WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
[ gunshots ]
[ glass shatters ]
harold: And now
here's my personal hero,
a man who jests at windmills,
a real don "coyote,"
the man of "la munchies."
ladies and gentlemen,
mr. Red green!
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, and
thank you all for tuning us in.
I would like to say that
that intro you just heard
had absolutely nothing
to do with me.
Unfortunately, the guy
who said it does...
My nephew harold.
Wa-a-a!
[ keyboard clacking ]
wa-a-a!
I didn't ask you
to come over here, harold.
It's okay.
I guess you can see why I like
to keep a shovel handy.
Anyhow, uh, boy, things
have really been humming
up at the lodge this week,
and it's not just from the way
we rewired the water heater.
The local radio station
has made an announcement
that somewhere in the area
surrounding possum lake,
there's the largest
deposit of gold ever recorded.
Oh, yeah? Where --
where did you hear that?
I just said, harold,
on the radio.
Well, I don't think
you could believe
everything you hear
from that station.
The entire staff's
an alcoholic.
No, harold, this is not just
bernie hallucinating, okay?
This is a scientific study
done by the government,
and I don't think
the whole government
would all be hallucinating
at the same time...Again.
So, anyhow,
a bunch of us have decided
to dig ourselves
a gold mine,
and I even asked
old man sedgwick to pitch in
because I figure, you know,
he was probably
in the original gold rush.
You know, he's probably
gonna know where to dig.
That -- that was 1849.
The shovel?
No, it's 5 bucks.
Anyway, uh...
We're gonna get out there
and get at it as soon as we can,
but it's not gonna get
in the way of the show.
I'll keep you posted
on the gold-mine thing,
and I'll tell you what.
Even if we strike gold,
we're still gonna
finish the show.
It'll just have a lot more
of harold in the second half.
[ spoons and guitar playing ]
♪ oh,
how smart can you be? ♪
♪ you'll never know
till you try ♪
♪ never know till you try ♪
♪ how far can you go? ♪
♪ you'll never know
till you try ♪
♪ never know till you try ♪
♪ are you slow
or are you quick? ♪
♪ you'll never know ♪
♪ until you poke
a mountain lion with a stick ♪
this week on "handyman corner,"
we're gonna show you
something you can do
with an old,
broken-down barbecue.
Now, I've been saving
this beauty,
hoping that it would eventually
have value as an antique.
But, uh, apparently the market
for rusty metal appliances
covered with bits of burnt meat
has gone a little soft on us.
Now, I suppose a bunch of you
are saying, "hey, red.
Why don't you just throw
the darn thing in the lake?"
or, "who cares?"
or, "what else is on?"
that'll be your wife talking,
probably.
Well, the truth is, if you do
throw one of these in the lake,
within a couple of days,
you get all the grease and fat
coming up onshore there,
and then the propane tank
will cut loose
and shoot right up
through the bottom
of that old lap straight canoe
that's been up here at the lodge
since before I started coming.
Well, I should say,
"that's what could happen."
the funny thing is,
we are actually gonna throw
this barbecue into the lake,
but with ourselves
attached to it.
'cause we're gonna turn
this propane barbecue
into a full set of scuba gear.
All right, step one,
disassemble the unit
into its individual components.
Yeah.
Oxidation is a wonderful thing,
isn't it?
All right, step two,
disconnect the propane tank.
Now, the connector on these
units is left-hand thread,
so, uh, to loosen them,
you got to turn them
to the right.
You can loosen them
by turning them to the left...
If you're the size
of moose thompson.
But it won't ever
go back together again.
Once you get the hose
out of there,
you might just want to
abandon the project,
try something else --
maybe turn the propane tank
into, say, a party-size
cigarette lighter...
Or a propane-powered
lawn roller.
Or I know what would
be kind of fun.
You just throw the whole tank
into a smoldering campfire
for an exciting game of
"let's surprise the boy scouts."
but for our purposes,
we're gonna drain the gas
out of there
so we can use it
for our scuba gear.
[ gas hissing ]
[ coughs ]
well, I'll just --
I'll just move this aside
till we get
all the gas out of her.
[ tank thuds ]
you don't want to be 20,000
major leagues under the sea
and suck in
a lungful of propane.
Instant headache there,
I'll tell you.
Now, you want to
save these grills
and make yourself
a dandy little shark cage --
not big enough
for your whole body,
but certainly big enough
to protect whatever it is
you care about.
The burner,
you don't really need.
Chuck that.
[ burner clanking ]
but you want to save the hose,
and you want to save
the heat controls
because these become
your air regulators --
one for you, one for your buddy.
And you got that fat jar
that hangs down
underneath the barbecue.
Hang on to that. That's gonna
become your diving mask.
Boy, you get a lot of fat out
of four strips of bacon, hey?
If you squeeze them right.
Anyway, I think that's
pretty well everything we need,
and sure as heck
don't need the spark ignitor.
Not gonna be able to start
a fire under water.
[ chuckles ]
[ explosion, glass shatters ]
[ coughing ]
well, I guess that tank
will be empty now.
Wow, we got lucky there.
The propane tank landed in town,
which is where
I had to go anyway
to get her filled up with air
at the gas station.
Now, breathing this air
might make you a little sleepy
'cause it's "tire" air.
Always time for humor
at the lodge.
Now, you're gonna need something
to put on your feet
to help you move along
in the water.
How about this?
They're "flippers," aren't they?
It's "tire" air.
Okay, so what you got to do
is you got to put the tank
on your back,
the flippers on your feet,
and the jar on your fat face --
or the fat jar on your face.
And you're gonna do
all these jobs
using the handyman's
secret weapon...
...Duct tape.
Now, this is probably
gonna take me a while,
so why don't we
get on with the show?
And we can come back
when I got her all built.
Now it's my favorite part
of the show,
the part where we expose
those three little words
that men find so hard to say --
"I don't know."
wa-a-a!
And now here to prove that
once again is my uncle red
and his best friend
in the whole wide world.
Oh, okay -- mr. Glen braxton.
All righty, it says here --
we got, "dear experts.
"I am organizing a cookout
for all the gang at work,
"and I am wondering what type
of food to prepare and serve.
Would you have any hints
you would like to pass on?"
uh, I always find budget
is the main consideration.
Uh, you know, say, we have
something like a fish fry
up at the lodge, and then,
of course, nobody catches any,
and, uh, so we have to
augment the menu,
and it always forces us
over budget.
And then you get all the whiners
who want to know,
how do hot dogs and macaroni
qualify as fish fry?
I just tell the guys, "hey,
throw some worms in," you know?
Well, you sounded serious
at the time.
Oh, harold.
The most important thing is to
find the right man for the job.
For your chef,
you need to get a welder.
Welder?
Oh, yeah.
An acetylene torch will cook
a 12-pound roast
in under 4 minutes.
And if you got electricity,
you can arc-weld a whole pig
in less than a minute.
My brother found that out.
He was upping the voltage
around the pigpen at the farm.
And electricity adds
to the presentation of the meal.
'cause the little pig's tail
straightens right out.
And all the hair all over him
stands straight up.
But you got to make sure
all your guests are grounded,
because if they stick
their fork into them...
"it is winter,
"time to get your sled out
and swoosh down giant hills,
"to learn to hang on tight and
have those high-speed thrills.
"the good, old sled will show
you how to fly and soar and whiz
and teach you just how hard
a frozen elm tree really is."
well, there you have it --
your very own scuba.
Bottom of the lake, here I come.
[ sniffing ]
oh, this fat jar smells like
every grade of meat
I've ever eaten,
and then some.
Oh, remember -- if the women
don't find you handsome,
they should
at least find you handy.
Oh.
[ grunts ]
is this just heavy,
or am I getting the bends?
[ golf club swooshing ]
[ bob grunting ]
ugh!
Red: Bob.
Oh, red, I-I didn't see you
standing there.
I was just doing air-direction
tests for the department.
Better write that down
on my scorecard --
I mean my notebook.
You government guys
are pretty sophisticated.
Oh, yeah.
See, I would have thought
this was just an ordinary
golf ball here.
No, that's a...
Dimpled "ergonometer."
wow, and this is not
just a putter?
No, that sets the parameters
for the wind-speed indicator.
It's a recalibration
wrench.
No kidding.
And you don't just
call that a putt?
No,
I'd call that a birdie.
Red: Bob works for the
department of natural resources,
so you always know where to
find him during working hours.
I thought I'd go and ask him
about the gold thing
because with him being with
the government and everything,
I figure he'd know all about it.
Of course, all he wanted was
for me to play golf with him.
Well, uh,
no, thanks, bob.
I-I just wanted to come by
and ask you
about this gold thing.
What gold thing?
You mean like a golf trophy?
Oh. Didn't you hear about this
on the radio?
They say that there's
the largest deposit of gold ever
right around possum --
I can't believe you guys
in natural resources
don't know something
about natural resources.
I mean, what else is there
to the job, bob?
Red, I think your information
is a little off.
The report stated that
possum lake has the largest --
largest, uh, deposit of mold
ever recorded.
Mold?
Mm-hmm.
What the heck
are we gonna do with mold?
I don't know.
Guess you could turn
possum lodge
into a yogurt ranch.
[ laughs ]
listen, red, why don't you
join me for a game of golf?
It'll take your mind
off your disappointment.
I thought you were just
testing the wind here, bob.
Well, whatever.
Ugh!
[ water splashes ]
boy. Must be real windy
over there where you are.
Wow, this gold/mold thing
has been a bit of a setback.
We've never heard anyone
getting rich during a mold rush.
Well, you know, uncle red,
mold has its value,
too, you know.
'cause they use it, like,
you know,
to make bread
or penicillin.
Wa-a-a-a.
So, mold is not
a bad thing.
Would you pay 400 bucks an ounce
for it, harold?
If not, then it's a bad thing,
'cause that's how much
we spent digging the gold mine,
all right?
$400?
How did you manage
to spend $400
on like 12 volunteers
digging a hole in the ground?
Mainly refreshments.
Well, uh, you can build up
a thirst inhaling that mold,
I'll tell you.
What we found
is that brewer's yeast
is the best for handling
mold of that type.
Anyway, uh, we've decided
to convert the mine
into an underground
parking lot,
and we figure we can get
15 cars single file in there,
and the only trick is,
you have to park
in the reverse order
that you'd be leaving, though.
See?
Excuse me, uh, uncle red.
Have you thought
this plan through?
Because, you know, I don't
want to make judgments here,
you know,
but I'm just thinking
that I think
your plan's flawed...
Badly flawed,
like "rescue 911" flawed.
Well, now, harold,
if we're gonna get into
comparing things
with flaws in them,
I think you're not gonna have
a very nice day.
Well, I just mean,
you know,
like, say, just even one car
gets stuck in the mine,
then, you know,
everybody gets shafted.
Wa-a-a!
Uh, we have that covered,
harold.
See, when you back
the first car in,
you drive the next one back,
the next one drive the next one.
So they're all
bumper to bumper.
We give everybody
jumper cables.
Plus, we're gonna charge them
all three bucks a head.
Well, that's great.
So you'll get, like,
your $400 back in no time.
Well, it's $800 now.
We had to buy
the jumper cables,
and, of course, we all wanted,
you know, snazzy vests,
and then everybody
wanted a flashlight.
We bought
100 flashlights.
Well, that's -- that's okay,
too, because, you know,
you finally learned
that in order to make it big,
you got to spend big!
Wa-a-a!
I'm real glad to hear you
say that, harold,
'cause we took it
right out of your salary.
[ spoons and guitar playing ]
♪ the fish swam in
like horses ♪
♪ and jumped up
on the beach ♪
♪ they climbed
this thick-leafed maple ♪
♪ and each one
gave a speech ♪
♪ they sang a bunch
of show tunes ♪
♪ and jumped back
into the lake ♪
♪ it's amazing
what you see up here ♪
♪ after
you bang your head ♪
♪ really, really hard
on the dock ♪
[ film projector clicking ]
red: Attention, everybody.
Clear the area.
It's time
for "adventures with bill."
bill had asked me
to drop over, so I did,
and, uh, he wanted to do
some backpacking today,
so he's got these --
these are -- these are --
I -- we never
had these in the army.
Of course, I wasn't in the army,
but I'm sure we didn't --
wouldn't have had.
Oh, his has got a little bit
of a bend in there,
so, bill, very resourceful.
Just bend it over his knee
and just -- oh, oh.
Well, might have been
a bit of a --
it's not good enough
for bill now.
However, apparently,
it's good enough for me.
Now, bill, there's a couple
of straps for your arms.
Well, that's it. Get your arm
in the other one there.
No, bill. Bill, bill,
you're gonna get dizzy there.
Let me help you.
It's good to go backpacking
with someone else.
They can help you get
the arm hole through there,
and then you get it centered
on there, and then --
well, no, no.
Now, bill, bill.
Bill. Bill.
Well, we were kind of
chilling out, and there's...
There's -- I guess
that was the daily --
the daily log
that you keep in the woods.
Anyway, bill wanted me to load
him up, and this is a beauty.
These things are so light,
and they're perfectly balanced,
and it's amazing
how much stuff --
you know, if you got the little
attachments and so on --
how much stuff you can get
onto your backpack,
and then you're just free
to go through the woods
at your leisure.
You miss so much when you're,
say, going over the woods
in a concorde
or something of that nature.
This way you can see all the
trees and see the ground and...
Well, almost all the branches.
There we go.
Yeah, a little bit of limbo
there gives you an appreciation
for the caribbean
and all that they stand for.
And the beauty is,
if you do get tired, you just --
you can sit down and relax.
You are, in fact,
one with nature.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, well. Oh, well.
And you got -- you have
basically all your belongings.
You're self-sufficient at this
point with this type of a rig,
and then you can just --
when you get comfortable,
you take the thing off,
and -- oh.
Oh. Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, boy.
But, you know, resourcefulness
is the mark
of a good backpacker.
And bill is resourceful.
This next part of the show
is for all you young people
out there.
You deserve this.
Wa-a-a, hi.
And welcome, adventure seekers,
to the first edition ever of...
[ imitates "charge" fanfare ]
...Possum lodge cadets!
Okay, well, possum lodge cadets
are for those of us
who aren't, you know,
official members
of the real,
actual possum lodge.
But that's only because
we don't believe in the rules,
their attitudes, and, well,
okay, they won't let us join.
But I'll bet you that being
a possum lodge cadet
is even way more better.
Wa-a-a-a-a!
I bet you it is.
Okay, so, you want to
make a uniform, right?
No problemo.
Wa-a-a.
Cool.
Okay, okay, all right.
So, all you need for a uniform
is, like, um, clothes,
you know, and some scissors,
an official possum lodge hat,
you know, and a few incidentals,
and then, of course,
you're gonna want to
have a meeting.
So you have to have
at least one other person
to join the possum lodge cadets,
which, at this point,
I'm finding to be,
you know, the hardest part,
but if I do --
harold, I need
another bungee cord.
I put some lumber
on the roof rack there.
No, uncle red, no, no.
This is, like,
an official cadet tie now.
Well, fine.
You can leave it on if you like.
Cadets enjoy
action-filled danger
and moment-to-moment
excitement.
Wa-a-a.
I know you teenagers
watch a whole lot of television,
and you get kind of
a mixed-up idea
of what the world's really like.
The worst thing is,
tv makes crime look good,
where, actually, crime is bad.
First of all,
there's no such thing
as a criminal mastermind, okay?
The prison population
is not a brain trust.
If you ever skim
through the mug shots
down at the police station
there,
you know you're not looking
at the m.I.T. Graduating class.
And if you're a criminal,
one of these guys
is gonna be your roommate
for the next 20 years.
Also, if you get
into the criminal line of work,
you got to work a lot of nights,
there's zero benefits,
and nobody's gonna come
to your patio party
'cause they're afraid there's
gonna be a drive-by shooting.
Despite what you see
on television,
most criminals either
get caught or killed
or they have to change
their identity
and move to a country where
there's nothing worth stealing.
So I'm asking you to just say no
to assault, break and enter,
arson, murder,
theft, drug trafficking,
and, oh, yeah,
real-estate sales.
Joshua two feathers
is a real-estate developer
on the reserve
next door to the lodge,
and I thought
he might have some advice
about the underground
parking lot.
This was handed down to me
by my father.
Wow. It's like an indian legend
or something.
This is
a geological survey
of the water table's
drainage patterns.
Now, you see here --
how the water comes
close to ground level?
Yeah.
You couldn't dig a basement
for a townhouse
without hitting water.
Forget the underground
parking lot, red,
unless you can convert it
to a car wash.
Oh, you sure the chart
is accurate, joshua?
I mean, I hate to change
all our plans
just because of some old piece
of paper and what it has to say.
Careful what you say,
red.
I won't let you
dishonor my father.
He had a phd
in urban planning.
Well...
Just like I told them --
the darn parking lot
all flooded there,
14 cars up to their door handles
in well water.
I'll tell you, by the time
those seats get saturated,
there'll be more mold
around here
than in a bachelor's fridge.
Excuse me, uncle red.
What about the possum van?
You weren't crazy enough
to park the possum van
in there, were you?
No, no, no, harold.
Tried to.
But, uh, it's just
a little tad high there,
and she kind of wedged
into the entrance, you know?
So, that was a lifesaver,
but, uh, unfortunately,
this, of course,
prevented the others
from getting in
and getting their cars,
and I never would have guessed
the short tempers
on some of these -- some of
these lodge members, you know.
But it'll work out okay.
Then we got the idea that,
uh, you know,
if we could raise
the water pressure,
maybe we could just
pop the van out of there.
So we started thinking
about the water table and so on.
We figured we'd get
moose thompson
to cannonball
down the well.
And, uh, I think
it would have worked, harold.
But, uh, well, we forgot
to take the bucket out first,
and I think we should have
greased the sides
'cause he seized up
about 30 feet down.
We'll get him out.
We'll just pour some bacon fat
down the walls over there
and winch him up
on the rope,
but he's gonna have to take
those splinters out on his own.
Maybe, you know, you've got
that parking-problem story.
You might want to just,
you know, stick to that.
Wa-a-a.
Yeah. Yeah, I think
we'll be all right.
I mean,
worse comes to worse,
we'll just wait for the winter,
'cause the van will be cold.
She'll shrink a bit,
and the entrance will freeze up,
and I think she'll just
pop right out of there.
Okay, but, um,
well, consider this.
Maybe the other cars will,
like, freeze where they are.
They'll get stuck
in there.
Well, if that happens,
we'll give them
their 3 bucks back.
[ screeching ]
oh, that's the squeal
of the possum.
That's meeting time, uncle red.
You better get going.
Okay. You go ahead, harold.
I'll be right down.
Okay, all right.
Uh,
if my wife is watching, uh,
I'll be coming straight home
after the meeting,
and, uh, I'm sorry I didn't --
I didn't strike gold this week,
but I didn't strike harold,
either,
so you got to be proud of me.
And, uh, to all the rest of you,
on behalf of myself and harold
and the whole gang
up here at possum lodge,
uh, thanks for watching,
and keep your stick on the ice.
[ indistinct conversations ]
[ screeching ]
all rise!
All:
Quando omni flunkus, moritati.
