The complete transcript for Trout Season
Opening Words[]
{Text appears on screen: "Women go forward. Men go fishing." The sound of a fishing reel unwinding and hitting water is heard, followed by the reel being pulled in.}
Intro[]
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"Trout Season" appears} Coming to you directly from Possum Lodge, where every day is like taking a vacation. From reality, that is. Here he is, the star of our show, my uncle, {pointing to front door} Red Green!
{Harold laughs. The door opens and Red enters. He holds some sticks of dynamite, floodlights and a satellite dish.}
RED GREEN: Thank you, thank you. This is a real exciting day up at the lodge: first day of trout season!
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I hate trout season! I hate that! Fishing shows make bad television.
RED GREEN: Harold, this is a fishing show.
HAROLD GREEN: It is?
RED GREEN: Yeah.
HAROLD GREEN: Well, that explains the ratings. {Red shakes his head in annoyance} Okay, well, you picture this, Uncle Red: you and a bunch of guys sitting in a canoe, waiting for a trout to bite a rubber minnow! Not exactly visual dynamic imagery.
RED GREEN: All right, Harold, picture this: you wearing a paper hat making French fries.
Title sequence[]
{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Red wearing a pair of hip waders, with a kiddie pool around his waist. He struggles to bend some aluminum siding into sections.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} On today's show, I'm gonna show you how to make a tackle box, one that you can...
{Cut to Red outside Ranger Gord's fire watchtower. Gord gestures toward some sandwiches on a small table and starts cutting one.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...actually wear. Ranger Gord has made sandwiches. I don't ask, I really don't want to know.
{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game about to begin. Mike is the contestant and the word is "Commitment".}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} And then Mike is gonna try to relate his prison experience to reality.
{Cut to Red and Dougie sitting on a couch together.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Dougie tells us how to get women. Another stretch.
Plot Segment 2[]
RED GREEN: {entering the lodge in frustration} Well, trout fishing season started at 6:00 this morning, and we've already had our first arrest! {puts hands on hips} Before the sun was even up, Bob Stuyvesant from the Ministry of Natural Resources fined Junior Singleton and confiscated his fishing equipment.
HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red} All of his equipment? Whoo! He traded a '78 Buick LeSabre for that stuff.
RED GREEN: No, no, no, not his fishing gear, just the aircraft lights.
HAROLD GREEN: {stunned} Aircraft lights?
RED GREEN: Yeah, Junior had mounted aircraft lights on the end of the boat pointing into the water. Is that illegal?
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah. It's called unfair advantage.
RED GREEN: Oh...
HAROLD GREEN: 'Cause bright lights attract fish.
RED GREEN: {scratches neck} And government agents. {nods}
HAROLD GREEN: So, is Junior in a lot of trouble?
RED GREEN: Well, now, that's between Junior and the Ministry of Natural Resources.
HAROLD GREEN: Well, where did he get the aircraft landing lights?
RED GREEN: That's between Junior and the Ministry of Transportation. Mind you, airplanes shouldn't fly at night, anyway. It's too dangerous.
HAROLD GREEN: Well, it is now. {giggles, then plays his switcher}
[]
| Action on screen | Red's voiceover |
|---|---|
| Standing behind the Possum Van, Red wears a raincoat and holds a fishing pole. At that moment, Bill comes up, also wearing a rain coat and holding various pieces of fishing gear, including a tacklebox, which accidentally drops open, spilling its contents on the ground. | Later on in the show, Bill and I are gonna do a little practice casting, getting ready for the big fishing– Oh, boy! |
| Bill bends down to pick up everything he dropped. As he does so, however, the hooks on the lures accidentally get caught on his fingers. He yells in pain, to Red's confusion. Bill hops away. | Dropped everything, Bill; your sinkers and everything. Look at this, pick 'em up. Oh, oh, Bill! Got all the lures snagged into you there. I guess you caught yourself! {laughs} I'm not gonna clean ya. {laughs again} |
The Possum Lodge Word Game[]
{Harold walks up to Red and Mike at the card table.}
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, this is the big one: for two hours with a wrecking ball from McClintock's Salvage! Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Hamar to say this word... {holds up a sign with the word "Commitment" on it and mouths the word; sets sign down} Thirty seconds. Begin.
RED GREEN: All right, Mike, uh... Promise.
MIKE HAMAR: Death threat?
RED GREEN: Dedication.
MIKE HAMAR: Habitual offender?
RED GREEN: Conviction.
MIKE HAMAR: Appeal?
RED GREEN: Um... Honor.
MIKE HAMAR: Amongst thieves.
RED GREEN: No, no. Now, Mike, when a man and woman pledge their loyalty, that's called making a...
MIKE HAMAR: Conjugal visit.
{Red shakes his head and massages his forehead.}
Red's Campfire Song[]
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by clicking two spoons together.}
RED GREEN:
- Oh, she had a rifle on her dresser,
- A shotgun on the floor,
- A pistol in her pillow
- And an uzi by the door.
- She had enough artillery
- To start a conflagration,
- And when she threw
- Her arms around you
- You were pretty much
- There for the duration.
Handyman Corner[]
{In another area of the lodge, Red stands behind his worktable, which is covered in various bits of fishing gear.}
RED GREEN: Well, this being the start of trout season, I got out my fishing gear. There's a lot of it, but, hey, I need it all! 'Cause when I go, I want to stay gone. I don't want to have to keep going home for another hook, or more bait, or another fishing rod, or magazines, or ice, or beverages, or sandwiches, or my 8-tracks, or, in fact, any of my fishing gear. So, I thought, this week on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you how we can make a pair of hip waders that will hold all of your fishing equipment. Hopefully, you'll never have to step on dry land again.
{Red walks around to the side of the worktable. A kiddie pool is lying off to the side there.}
RED GREEN: Now, the prime component in this system {wipes hands together} is one of these kids' wading pools. I got this one from Junior Singleton, 'cause there's a hole in it that happened during a particularly competitive game of lawn darts. {takes tape measure} All right, first thing you want to do is, you gotta cut a hole in the middle of the bottom, that's the same circumference you are {wraps tape measure around himself briefly} in the middle of your bottom. {suddenly concerned as he glances at the resultant measurements} That can't be right. {puts tape measure down} I'll just round it off.
{A montage begins, starting with Red taking a small saw to cut a hole in the pool. However, he only succeeds in poking at the pool. Next, after failing to make any headway, Red puts the small away and takes a bigger saw, but still makes no headway. Then he tosses the pool in the air and then tries to hit at the pool with a pickax, sending it flying across the room. Next, he tries to cut the pool open with a drill, still making no headway. Finally, he succeeds in getting a hole open in the pool. He stands in it, wearing a pair of hip waders. The pool has rolled-up strips of duct tape as straps.}
RED GREEN: All right, once you got the hole cut the size of you, then you duct tape some shoulder straps in there made of... duct tape. And just pull the unit up onto your shoulders. That's why they call them shoulder straps.
{Red lifts the kiddie pool up around his waist and puts the straps over his shoulders.}
RED GREEN: And... there we go. Now, we're gonna have to separate this, uh, whole pool thing into little compartments, and for that, I suggest a piece of the vinyl siding. You know... {someone reaches into frame with a piece of vinyl siding; Red takes it} You– You can get this... Uh, just peel it off of somebody's house, y'know, while something else loud is going on, like, say, an electrical storm. Just be sure to wear rubber-soled shoes. You want to bend this to fit inside here and make all the compartments. {tries to bend the siding, but not having much luck} I suppose you could measure this, but who has that kind of time?
{A brief montage is shown. First, Red tries to bend the siding with his hand. Then, after successfully making some bends in the siding while holding it up awkwardly, he continues to make more bends. He puts the siding behind his head to bend it back there. Then he succeeds in doing so. He then tries to raise it back up over his head, knocking his hat askew in the process, to keep bending. Finally, he succeeds in breaking off all the pieces of siding and putting them into the kiddie pool as dividers. It now has various appropriately labeled signs on to show what goes where.}
RED GREEN: All right, I got her all separated into compartments here to keep everything kind of separate there. {points around} And as you can see, I've got my favorite pop here on ice. I got the bait in this area. Got myself some sandwiches, and, uh... {looks to his side} got some tools in this area. You never know when you're gonna need 'em. And you noticed I've added some signs so you can tell what's what, 'cause I'll tell ya, on a hot day, it maybe rains a little bit by the sun beating down there, it gets very difficult to tell the bait from the tuna casserole. I'll tell ya, that was not a fun day. No wonder the fish weren't biting. {looks around behind himself} And around the back here, I've got my first aid, my magazines...
{Red struggles to turn around to look behind himself, but he can't do it.}
RED GREEN: All right, I can't– I can't seem to access the stuff in the back, so we have what we call a design flaw. This is gonna take a major rethink.
{Red looks in back of himself again. Wipe to a later scene. He has removed the kiddie pool full of fishing supplies and is examining an old army helmet with a long spike in the top.}
RED GREEN: All right, get yourself a hard hat. Drive a spike up through that. {runs hand across spike a few times} We've all done it the other way a few times, haven't we? {chuckles, then takes a roll of duct tape} All right, then, uh, take a roll of duct tape. {puts roll over spike} Stick that on as your bearing. {puts on helmet} Probably a lot of you've noticed that, uh, this is not really a hard hat; this is an army helmet. I got it from the Possum Lodge Little Theatre Group when All Quiet On the Western Front bombed. Well, maybe "bombed" is a little strong. "Self-Destructed" is more accurate.
{It is revealed that the kiddie pool has longer strappings made of rolled-up duct tape, which he then pulls up over his head and over the spike in the helmet.}
RED GREEN: Then I added some strapping so these are a little bit longer. I got a hole right at the crisscross. Try to line her up with the– with the spike. Get that right in there.
{Red struggles to put the crisscrossed strip of duct tape over the spike, which he eventually succeeds in doing.}
RED GREEN: And there you go, huh?
{Red spins the kiddie pool full of fishing equipment around. It moves around effortlessly, revealing everything. He is quite impressed with his handiwork.}
RED GREEN: Huh, huh, huh? Look at that, huh, huh? {laughs} Now we're fishin'! It's just like a Lazy Susan. I haven't seen her since grade school. So, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I'm going fishin'!
{Red turns to leave the room.}
RED GREEN: Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
{As Red is about to go through the doorway, however, it's too big to fit through. Red can't go through.}
Commercial bumper[]
{Ranger Gord stands by the edge of the watchtower stairs. He kicks a bucket of paint on the edge down the stairs.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned, as Ranger Gord gives the tower a coat of paint.
Plot Segment 3[]
RED GREEN: Well, Bob Stuyvesant from the Ministry of Natural Resources has just arrested Stinky Peterson. It's the first day of trout season, and the only thing reeled in are Possum Lodge members!
HAROLD GREEN: Does Stinky qualify as a large-mouth or a sucker? {laughs}
RED GREEN: {to camera} Wall-eye, actually. Stinky was fishing at Rock Reef Point by chucking sticks of dynamite into the water. {to Harold} Apparently that's illegal, too, Harold.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, well, yeah, y'know. Oh, they're so strict about those kind of things, y'know. Yeah, seems you're not allowed to catch unarmed fish with, uh, y'know, explosives or nuclear weapons. Yeah. Y'know, it's put a damper on sport fishing everywhere. {shrugs}
RED GREEN: Is that sarcasm, Harold? Sounded like sarcasm. {grins}
HAROLD GREEN: Not if I have to explain it.
RED GREEN: Is it sarcasm or not?
HAROLD GREEN: {still grinning} Go fish. {plays switcher to trigger the next scene}
Visit With Ranger Gord[]
{Red and Gord stand outside the latter's fire watchtower.}
RANGER GORD: You know, Red, ladies and gentlemen, an important part of the forest ranger's job is rescuing lost campers and hikers. You know, the forest is our friend, but many people enter the forest unaware of its potential dangers.
RED GREEN: {nods} Babes in the woods, right, Gord?
RANGER GORD: Babes?
RED GREEN: Yeah.
RANGER GORD: There's babes here?
RED GREEN: No, no...
RANGER GORD: {excited} Babes!
RED GREEN: No, no...
RANGER GORD: Whoo, whoo, whoo! {pumps arms} Ow, ow! WHOO-HOO! Babes, babes, babes! {laughs} Where?
RED GREEN: No, Gord, it's just an expression, actually. You know, getting back to your– your earlier statement there, you've been up here sixteen years. Exactly how many people have you rescued from the woods in that time?
RANGER GORD: Uh, you mean altogether? Uh, in a– in a bunch? Altogether?
{Gord and Red start walking.}
RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, how many, roughly, you know?
RANGER GORD: Uh, totaled– All totaled up?
RED GREEN: Yeah, all totaled.
RED GREEN: Uh, well, I don't think the numbers are important, Red.
RED GREEN: So it's– So it's none, is it?
{Gord and Red walk up to a small table, which has a bunch of sandwiches on it.}
RANGER GORD: Yeah, but I'm ready. Um, like, here, for example, I have a nice light sandwich table, okay?
RED GREEN: Oh...
RANGER GORD: And it's light because, y'know, somebody's been lost in the woods for weeks on end, and you give them a heavy meal, an empty stomach, and you know what happens?
RED GREEN: What?
{Gord makes gagging sounds while pretending to throw up, doubling over and looking away as he does so. Red recoils.}
RED GREEN: All right, all right, Gord! All right, we understand. Gord? Okay.
RANGER GORD: {taking a knife and cutting off the crusts} Now, I'm even going to cut the crusts off here...
RED GREEN: Watch your fingers there...
RANGER GORD: Yeah. ...to make them even more digestible.
RED GREEN: Oh, they look great.
RANGER GORD: Yeah, thanks. {walks up to and gestures toward a large bucket on the ground next to the table} Now, over here, I have a nice punch, uh, for a bit of a mixer.
RED GREEN: {looking at bucket} Wow.
RANGER GORD: Like, we'll pass out the nametags, get to know each other, where you're from, what you do for a living... uh, how many people in your party presumed dead, uh.... how many people you know personally. Like, really know how many. {chuckles} Uh, and then of course, it's time for Ranger Gord's chili, and all I can say is thank goodness we're outside for that one. {laughs} Then it's, uh, time for tea and dessert. Uh, and then, to help them assimilate back into civilization, we'll play a little charade. It's a comforting game, you know? {scratches ear}
RED GREEN: Charade, Gord?
RANGER GORD: Yeah.
RED GREEN: No, Gord, Gord, Gord, you got– {Gord ignores him as he fantasizes about his plan} Gord, Gord! You got people out there in the woods. They haven't had food or any shelter or anything for a long while. They could have medical problems, Gord. There could be dehydration there, hypothermia. It might take them a full week just to get back on their feet!
RANGER GORD: A week?
RED GREEN: Yeah, a week, that's what I'm saying.
RANGER GORD: {intrigued} Wow! {breathes heavily} A week out here? Whoa, geez, we could, uh... we could have campfires, make gimp bracelets, sing songs, uh... panty raids.
RED GREEN: {sways head in frustration} Oh, come on, Gord!
{Suddenly, Gord becomes upset and slaps his hand down on the table.}
RANGER GORD: Who am I kidding? Nobody ever gets lost around here! {sobs}
RED GREEN: Oh, I don't know, Gord. You seem pretty much out there to me.
Harold's Handy Crafts[]
{In another area of the lodge, Harold stands behind a worktable with several pieces of wood on it.}
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to Harold's Handy Crafts, where crafty hands make handy crafts! Haw! Okay, today, we're gonna be making a-a-a handsome country kitchen clock. {giggles} All right, well, first, as always, step one: you gather up, y'know, some scraps of wood. {takes wood pile} Like, that– that'll be these. And then, uh... And you nail them together, and you get yourself a lovely housing for the clock mechanism. {takes some of the wood pieces} All righty, so you just– you... Well, you take a couple, and you– you're gonna nail them together, and that'll be the actual clock. {accidentally drops one piece of wood on the floor} We won't use that one.
{Harold puts a small piece of wood on top of another, bigger, thinner piece of wood and then starts to hammer. However, he accidentally hits his hand in the process.}
HAROLD GREEN: That's gonna– Ah!
{Cut to a later scene. Harold is finishing up the clock housing, which is painted green with a huge hole for the clock face to go into.}
HAROLD GREEN: There. {holds up clock housing} Isn't that attractive? And it's sturdy, too. Well, we're just gonna let that glue dry. {sets clock housing down} And, uh, now it's time to work on the clock mechanism, and for that, you're gonna have to buy a kit. {picks up a white bucket} That's in here. {removes lid from bucket} And there's– Oh, there's everything in here. These things are great! Look at that! {takes out some windings} You've got the windings. {digs inside bucket again} There's, uh... some, uh... {takes out windup key} a-a dark thing. And... {pours out more clock mechanism pieces into hand} Stuff! Look at all this stuff. And that's exactly what you need. You have to buy these. So...
{Harold looks at the pieces in his hand and then giggles nervously as he looks inside again.}
HAROLD GREEN: Okay. There's everything you're gonna possibly need in here. {digs inside bucket, looking for something; becomes frustrated} Except the instructions! {feels around, trying to figure out what to do} But that's okay! That's okay, because we can only hope that it's logical.
{Cut to a later scene. Harold is finishing up painting the clock face.}
HAROLD GREEN: And there you have it: a lovely country clock face. {turns clock face around to show mechanisms duct-taped on} And of course, there's the– you have all the mechanisms. That's intricate; we won't get into that this week. All righty, and then you simply insert the clock mechanism into {takes clock housing} the previously-constructed housing.
{Harold starts to put the clock face into the housing, but right away appears to be having difficulty. Cut to a later scene. Harold holds up the finished country clock – which is actually an electric clock radio.}
HAROLD GREEN: All righty. And there you have it: your very own country clock. {turns it around to show camera} And you know, {holds up index finger} the best part is, you made it yourself.
Segue: Ranger Gord[]
{Gord stands at the edge of the stairs at the top of his watchtower. Several buckets of paint are placed on the edge.}
RANGER GORD: Hi, Ranger Gord again. You know, every year come spring, it comes time to paint the old watchtower, and a lot of people might say, "That sounds like a lot of work painting all those stairs," but in fact, it's not that bad. {holds up index finger} Here, let me show you. First, we'll start with a primer coat.
{Gord kicks one bucket of paint, the primer, off the edge of the stairs. He then watches as it falls down the stairs, though it's not actually seen. It makes sloshing noises and leaving trails of spilled primer (not seen) as it does so.}
RANGER GORD: Great, and once that's done, we'll start with the first coat.
{Gord then kicks the second bucket of paint down the stairs. It too makes sloshing noises, presumably spilling paint as it does.}
RANGER GORD: Yep. And, well, it looks like we need a second coat here.
{Gord kicks the last bucket of paint down the stairs. Again, it makes sloshing noises and spills paint as it falls down the stairs. Gord whistles briefly. The paint then makes a loud splotching sound.}
RANGER GORD: There we go, job's done. {suddenly looks down again and becomes worried} Oh, gee, sorry, Red, I didn't see you coming up there. {nervously steps away from the stairs}
Plot Segment 4[]
{Red enters the lodge, more frustrated than ever.}
RED GREEN: Well, two more lodge members were arrested for illegal fishing. I mean, I'm all for law and order, but this red tape is killing the sport. Everybody's ticked off. Even the guys on the Spanish trawler are thinking of leaving. {Harold nods} The cops picked up Moose Thompson for poisoning fish!
HAROLD GREEN: Poisoning fish? Why would he do that? Who wants to eat poisoned fish?!
RED GREEN: Well, he uses benzene, Harold, so it kind of all burns off when you cook it, y'know? It tastes like the fish was cooked in wine, Australian wine.
HAROLD GREEN: What is the matter with you guys?! Why don't you guys just fish the normal way?
RED GREEN: Oh, really? Well, Buster Hadfield was fined and arrested, and he was fishing with a hook and a line! A hook and a line was all he had.
HAROLD GREEN: A grappling hook and a high-tension power line! {Red shrugs} Anybody using a metal lure had most of their body hair burned off.
RED GREEN: Well, so what? People pay good money to have their body hair removed.
HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Not me! What happens if I lose my eyebrows and they don't grow back?
RED GREEN: Well, then, you could be a female impersonator instead of a male impersonator.
{Harold stares, then walks off, playing his switcher to transition to the next scene.}
Adventures With Bill[]
| Action on screen | Red's voiceover |
|---|---|
| Red and Bill hold up their fishing rods. Bill has a huge lure on the end of his line. Red becomes surprised at this and steps back briefly. | Meanwhile, back at the casting contest, Bill and I are getting– Well, that's a heck of a lure you got on there, Bill. Bill and I are getting ready to just kinda warm up our skills and everything. |
| Red casts his line out toward a bucket used for practice. The line lands next to the bucket. Red reels his line back in. Bill hooks his finger. | We had a little, uh, bucket there. Well, it was close. It was close. Pretty close. Yeah, it was close. It was close. |
| Bill throws his rod backward, sending the line flying backwards into a flowerpot. Bill brings his line forward again, but the lure snags on the flowerpot, throwing at Bill's head. It hits him on the head and knocks him down, sprawling. | You give it a try there, big mouth. No, not that way. Oh, what are you doing? There's an unusual technique, eh? |
| Later, Bill casts his line again, while Red looks away, tending to his rod. The lure lands perfectly inside the bucket. | So he tries her again. Right in! Beautiful job, beautiful job... |
| Bill then pulls the rod back, but the lure is caught on the edge of the bucket, which flies toward them. Bill ducks down, and the bucket hits Red on the head, sending him sprawling. Bill gets back up again. | No, Bill, no! Ohhh... You know, this is something you really should do on your own, I think. |
| Still later, Bill starts to cast his rod again, but the reel gets jammed. He is confused, but then gets an idea. He hands his rod to Red and then walks off. | Especially when you're with Bill. Now, of course, his reel's all jammed up 'cause he bought the rod and reel for 99 cents, brand new. So he got an idea. |
| Bill walks up to the Possum Van, holding a wrench. He opens up the hood of the van and looks inside the engine. He then uses the wrench to start tinkering with the engine, much to Red's confusion as he glances into the camera. | What are you doing? Going to get something else? What are you doing? Well, there's nothing in there. There's no fishing gear in there. That's, uh... That's the van! There's no fishing gear in there, you dumb, big... What are you doing? What's going on? What are you doing there? That's a wrench. What do you got a wrench in there? |
| Bill continues to tinker with the engine. He finally pulls back away from the van, holding the starting motor. Bill shuts the hood and holds up the starting motor to the camera proudly. | What are you doing? What are you doing? What have you got there? What do you got? That's my starting motor. |
| Bill walks back up to Red, holding the starting motor. Bill throws the wrench and takes his fishing rod back from Red. He then starts to attach the motor to the rod. | What are you doing with my starting motor? What's the plan? |
| Later, Bill has fully attached the starting motor to the fishing reel with duct tape. Red stands beside him, holding a net. Bill hands Red the duct tape. They are now wearing their normal clothes instead of their coats. Bill then leans and casts his line, which goes very far. Bill exclaims, "Whoa!" Red is impressed, too. Bill watches to see where the line lands. | Oh, he's gonna– He's gonna use that as a fishing reel. Later that day, the sun came out and everything, and he's gonna... Oh, my gosh! He got a hold of that one, didn't he? Look at that baby go! Holy mackerel! |
| The line, flying through the air, starts to come down and land on some powerline wires, which zaps the line. It also causes the starter motor to smoke, spark and shake violently, giving Bill a shake-up. Red steps back nervously. | Oh, look out for the wires there, Bill! Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! {laughs} Oh, he's got the steel line on there, too, eh? How's that feel? {laughs} |
| Suddenly, the starting motor on the rod starts winding itself up, being pulled toward the wires, dragging Bill along with it. | Oh, boy! And of course, what happens now is, unfortunately, I guess, the starting motor started up, started winding the line in, and, uh... and Bill's gone! |
| Bill is dragged along with the fishing rod. He runs into some boxes, which he knocks over. He is then dragged across some knocked-over oil drums. He then collides with a lawn chair, some traffic cones, and the side of a parked car. | He's not winding the line in, actually. He's winding Bill up to the line. Oh, by golly! Look out, look out, look out, look out, look out, Bill! Look out! Bill! Bill! Ooh! Oh! |
| The wires are still sparking, still causing the motor to reel in the line and drag Bill along behind. The rod finally reaches the line hanging from the wire and Bill is raised into the air toward it. | {laughs} Golly! Gosh, that was... And up he... {laughs} And up he goes! But, uh... |
| Cut to Red standing proudly as he reaches his hand out, as if holding a recently-caught fish. The camera pulls back to reveal his pretending to hold Bill hanging in midair from the line in the wires. | Hey, all's well that ends well. Look at that. Should have seen the one that got away. |
Commercial bumper[]
{In the lodge, Red slams a fish finder against a chair, trying to fix it.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned while I make a few adjustments to my fish finder.
Plot Segment 5[]
{Red enters the lodge, more frustrated than ever.}
RED GREEN: Well, I've had it! Bob Stuyvesant just confiscated all my fishing equipment right out of my boat! {points to his fingers while speaking} My rod, my reels, my line, my hooks, my lures, the whole shebang! {to Harold} What would give him the right to come over there and take my stuff?!
HAROLD GREEN: It's his stuff. You borrowed it from him last year.
RED GREEN: {back to camera} Oh, yeah, yeah, all right. Okay, okay, I'll tell you this: if the government had their way, you know what fishing would be? Sitting in a boat with a rod, a reel and a lure, waiting for some fish to come along and bite it. That's not a sport, that's gambling!
HAROLD GREEN: Why don't you guys use, like, legal fishing equipment? You know, like a fish finder?
RED GREEN: You know what I'm gonna do?
HAROLD GREEN: Use a fish finder?
RED GREEN: Use a fish finder, sure. I should've thought of this before. {points to Harold} You know why I didn't?
HAROLD GREEN: Because I didn't mention it?
RED GREEN: Because I wasted all my time arguing with you all day. I'm not gonna do that anymore, Harold. {turns to leave}
HAROLD GREEN: Haw! Excellent. {plays his switcher to transition to the next scene}
The Experts[]
{Harold, Red and Dougie Franklin sit in the lodge around a table. Harold sits in a recliner while Red and Dalton sit in a two-person couch.}
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show. And on this week's portion of "The Experts", we have experts, my uncle, Red, and, of course, his friend, Mr. Dougie Franklin!
{The audience applauds, while Red and Dougie smile. The latter makes an A-OK sign with his fingers. Harold then picks up a letter to read it.}
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, here we go. First letter goes as follows: "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Dougie again} Haw! Haw! "–I find a certain woman very attractive, and she seems nice. But whenever I talk to her, she makes a face like something is burning, and then jumps into a taxi. What's the deal? Signed, Mr. Lonely."
RED GREEN: Well, not much to go on there, Harold. Mr. Lonely could be Mr. Loser. {shrugs} Or maybe the woman is just playing hard to get.
DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Well, no, Red. It's been my experience, women don't play hard to get. They are hard to get. You don't just walk up to a woman and start a conversation. You drive up. There's a hint, bold as brass in that letter. "She got into a taxi." Hint, hint: get yourself a set of wheels.
HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} What, l-like– like your monster truck, Mr. Franklin? {giggles} 'Cause I... You know, personally, I find that completely inappropriate.
DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Well, don't you go kidding yourself, Harold. Women love a monster truck. They love the power. They love the size. Women love all that rubber.
RED GREEN: What about the eye contact, though, Dougie? You know, you're up in the monster truck there, you know? Don't you need something shorter, like a van or pickup truck? Make you have that eye-to-eye thing that they recommend in those magazines that Bernice buys?
DOUGIE FRANKLIN: You're onto something there, Red.
RED GREEN: Yeah...
DOUGIE FRANKLIN: If you take that thought just a little bit farther, it might behoove you, when you go to buy your vehicle, to get one that puts you at eye level of whatever it is you want to be looking at, you know, while you're talking to it. Catch my drift? And another thing, power windows! Power windows! Women love a man that can drive up smooth as can be, raise and lower his windows without cranking and wheezing. {Red shakes his head} You know why? It makes 'em think you're good with your hands. {gives a thumbs-up}
Plot Segment 6[]
{Red enters, staring at his fish finder incredulously.}
HAROLD GREEN: Problem, Uncle Red?
RED GREEN: This fish finder's useless, Harold.
HAROLD GREEN: Maybe it's just a loose wire. Is it covered by warranty?
{Red repeatedly bangs the fish finder against a chair, breaking the shell off.}
HAROLD GREEN: Was it covered by warranty?
RED GREEN: I told everybody that fish finders were legal. So everybody goes and buys a fish finder, or... borrowed one or stole one or whatever. But... we monitored every cubic inch of Possum Lake. We would see every fish in the lake. Nobody saw anything, nothing, completely blank screens. And Stinky Peterson told us what was going on: Bob Stuyvesant and the Ministry of Natural Resources must have been sending out some kind of jamming signal; they weren't getting anything.
HAROLD GREEN: So... So, Uncle Red, maybe just let me get this straight: not one fish finder was registering fish?
RED GREEN: No, sir.
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, now, before they had their dynamite and poison and high-voltage lines confiscated, did even– even one lodge member catch a fish?
RED GREEN: No. What's your point?
HAROLD GREEN: There are no fish in Possum Lake! Possum Lake is fishless!
RED GREEN: {suddenly smiling} Golly, that's a relief, huh?
HAROLD GREEN: {incredulously} A relief? No, no, Possum Lake is completely lifeless, Uncle Red!
RED GREEN: Boy, here, I thought my fish finder was broken. {looks at it again} Well, all right, it is broken, but, I mean, y'know, it makes me feel better about having the equipment confiscated, I'll tell ya that. {laughs} And actually, when you think about it, it's kind of a joke on– Bob Stuyvesant. He took away all our stuff to protect the fish, and there aren't any! {laughs} What an idiot!
{Red laughs some more. Then the "Squeal of the Possum" sounds out.}
RED GREEN: Oh, man!
HAROLD GREEN: It's meeting time, Uncle Red.
RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, {gestures toward basement stairs} you go ahead, Harold, okay? Don't tell the other guys about the no-fish. I want to give them the good news.
HAROLD GREEN: Ohh! {goes downstairs}
RED GREEN: {looking into camera, still laughing} Oh, boy, I love trout season! If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I won't be bringing a big mess of fish or anything, but I tell you what I will do: I'll stop off at the takeout place there, you know, and that way, we don't have to cut the heads off or cut the tails off or pull all the guts out unless I go to the cheap place. {to audience} Okay, and, uh, to the the rest of you, thanks for watching, and on behalf of Harold and myself and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, except for the fish, {waves with fish finder} thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice.
{Red waves and gives a thumbs-up. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Red and Harold are at the front of the meeting.}
HAROLD GREEN: All rise!
{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}
EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.
{Red gestures everyone to sit back down. They do so.}
HAROLD GREEN: I just found out that I intercepted a message: the Ministry of Transportation is coming up here and he's gonna do a surprise inspection. So if anybody– If he asks anybody, that thing on the side of the steering wheel, it's called an indicator. Just say it with me: indicator.
{Cut to the show information, showing the phone number and website URL of www.redgreen.com.}
ANNOUNCER: {voiceover} For more information on Red Green and Possum Lodge merchandise, call 1-800-YPOSSUM, or find us on the Internet at www.redgreen.com.