The complete transcript for The Winter Carnival
Intro[]
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, here he is, a man who walks softly but carries a big cramp, your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green!
{Harold gestures toward the front door, through which Red enters, wearing a coat. Outside, it visibly white with snow. Red waves to the audience, who applauds. He then waves the noise to die down.}
RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. It's, uh, kind of a rough week on the personal side there this week. Bernice and I, we have some friends that have retired and moved to Florida, and Bernice is thinking that maybe we should do the same thing.
HAROLD GREEN: Wow, that's a bit of a challenge, Uncle Red. Huh! What're you gonna retire from?
RED GREEN: The thankless job of not hurting you, Harold.
HAROLD GREEN: How come you don't wanna go down to Florida? It'd be great down there! Down there amongst the warmth and all the other old people and stuff.
RED GREEN: {stares} Other old people?
HAROLD GREEN: Did I say "old people"?
RED GREEN: Yeah.
HAROLD GREEN: You know what I meant? I meant "older people". 'Cause, y'know, I mean, you are older than some things, y'know, like trees and...
RED GREEN: {shaking his head} No, I– No, I don't– I don't wanna go down there. I don't wanna go down south. It's like– It's like an elephant burial ground down there, you know? {pantomiming what he says} It's a gathering of people with great big ears and wrinkled skin and they... kinda lumber around the parks, you know? At least, with elephants, they don't forget everything.
HAROLD GREEN: They don't carry golf clubs in their trunks. {laughs out loud} Trunks, like... {mimics an elephant trumpeting while holding out his arm like a elephant's trunk} Elephants! Right? Because elephants, they have trunks! But you know what would happen if you did go... {struggles for words} would be, uh, you know, you might make all sorts of new friends. {Red looks uneasy} Okay, well, Aunt Bernice might make friends.
RED GREEN: No, no, no. No, I don't wanna go. In fact, what I'm doing is, every time there's an article in the paper of a plane crash, I cut it out and show it to Bernice so she won't wanna fly anywhere, you know? All I gotta do is, convince her that Possum Lake is a great place to be in the winter.
HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} How?
RED GREEN: Well, you know, if you would move to Florida, that would help me. {smiles}
Title sequence[]
{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red puncturing the radiator of a car with a pitchfork, causing it to leak.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few scenes from this week's show. I'm not gonna ruin that by describing it.
{Cut to a shot of Red and Bill on top of a snow-covered hill. Bill is seated on a sled, about to slide down. Red pushes him and he goes sliding down. Bill races at a tree.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} Uh, Bill's gonna try the Luge thing. There's a tree coming up, Bill. This may feel good.
{Cut to a shot of Red and Harold inside the Lodge, covered in bits of snow, trying to get warm. They hear the sound of the "Squeal of the Possum" for meeting time.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} Or not. And it gets very, very cold up at the Lodge. Oh, my gosh!
Plot Segment 2[]
{Red enters the Lodge.}
RED GREEN: Okay! I got it! I got it! Bernice is gonna forget all about moving south. I got a way to make her want to stay in Possum Lake all winter.
HAROLD GREEN: Did you get her a boyfriend? {laughs}
RED GREEN: {grinning} Yeah. Very good. Very good.
HAROLD GREEN: {singsong} Ha-ha-ha, la-la-la!
RED GREEN: That's a... pretty nervy comment from somebody who obviously has extra teeth.
HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} It's just a joke! Just a joke! C'mon, you can t– take a joke, it's a joke!
RED GREEN: Harold, I've worked with a joke.
HAROLD GREEN: {laughing} That was a good one, that was good! You work!
RED GREEN: {back to camera} Now, like I said, I got this plan that's gonna make Bernice forget all about going down there. {eagerly} She's gonna wanna be up here all winter long! {to Harold} Harold, what do communities do when they want to attract tourists?
HAROLD GREEN: Uh, put in electricity!
RED GREEN: No.
HAROLD GREEN: No, no, they get cable TV!
RED GREEN: No.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I know what they do! I know what... They install co-ed bathing suit optional h–h–hot tubs!
RED GREEN: No.
HAROLD GREEN: {overlapping} Yeah!
RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no. They have a winter carnival.
HAROLD GREEN: A winter carnival?
RED GREEN: A winter carnival!
HAROLD GREEN: No! Uncle Red, you gotta have some kinda natural attraction for a winter carnival. Like, you know, like a beautiful mountain or a glacier or maybe a ski resort that has co-ed bathing suit optional hot tubs!
RED GREEN: No, no, no! {Harold struggles for words} No, you don't– No– No, you–
Red's Campfire Song[]
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}
RED GREEN:
- Oh, your hands are connected to your arms.
- Your arms are connected to your shoulders.
- Your shoulders' connected to your body.
- And your body's connected to your head.
- Well, your head is connected to... nothing,
- Which explains a lot.
The Possum Lodge Word Game[]
{Red and Winston sit at a table, and Harold stands behind them.}
HAROLD GREEN: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game, and how would you like a brand-new bass boat with 150 outboard motor and matching trailer?! {laughs} Yeah, well, everybody would love that, because you would look so cool when you go fishing with our brand-new grand prize of tonight: {bends down and picks up a plastic yellow bucket with the word "Bait" written on it} a bait bucket! {Red groans} Huh? {puts down bucket} And tonight's contestant is {points to Winston} Mr. Winston Rothschild, of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Rothschild to say this word... {looks toward Winston}
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh! {covers his ears}
HAROLD GREEN: {holding up word sign to show audience} Dead. Dead.
RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
HAROLD GREEN: {setting sign on table; stepping back} 'Kay, go!
RED GREEN: Okay, Winston, your body has the life sucked out of it. You are...
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...standing too close to the sewage pump.
RED GREEN: No, no... You're six feet under, so you're...
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...runnin' out of hose.
RED GREEN: {thinks} When animals become roadkill, they are...
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...bigger. {pauses} ...But thinner.
RED GREEN: Oh, no, no... You know... No, I know, there's an expression! Um, he's as something as a doornail.
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Short!
RED GREEN: No.
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Flat-headed!
RED GREEN: No, no, no.
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Pointy at one end!
HAROLD GREEN: Running out of time, Uncle Red!
RED GREEN: Alright, Winston, if all of us go on town sewers...
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, geez, I'd be dead.
RED GREEN: There we go!
{Red rapidly rings the bell to end the game while Winston cheers.}
HAROLD GREEN: {handing Winston the bucket} Congratulations!
Handyman Corner[]
{Red walks along a snow-covered area, past a garage full of winter-related vehicles.}
RED GREEN: You know, when you live in the colder climates, there are some vehicles that will attract a certain amount of attention. You know, you got the snowplow and the 4x4, snowmobile, you know, that kind of thing. But if you want to really grab attention, get yourself a Zamboni! For those of you who live down south, a Zamboni's not a pasta dish, it's a... {spreads his arms wide} Well, it's a big thing, big thing like that, and it's a... You know what? It's the thing they use to make ice on the rinks. Well, you'll see.
{Red walks past the Handyman Corner sign and up to a K-car.}
RED GREEN: Now, you gotta have pretty deep pockets to buy a Zamboni, so today on Handyman Corner, we're gonna build our own using, once again, our vehicle of choice, {taps car} the K-car. Now, you don't have to do the K-car. I suppose you could build an "Oldsmoboni". But we like the K-car because of the combination of availability, cost and a sense of revenge. Let's get started.
{Red takes a sledgehammer and whacks it against the windshield, smashing it and knocking the side frames off. Wipe to a later scene. Red picks up the shattered windshield.}
RED GREEN: All right, now, I took the windshield out of there for a couple of reasons. First of all, the fun. {Red drops the windshield} Ooh!
{Red climbs up on the car, which now has a seat and a steering wheel duct-taped to the front of the car.}
RED GREEN: And secondly, I needed to hook up my Zamboni steering wheel down to the actual car steering wheel. See, I put a pulley on there and a piece of rope, and here's how the deal works: when I turn the Zamboni wheel to the right...
{Red turns the new steering wheel on the car to the right, which causes the actual car steering wheel, attached to the new wheel by a rope and pulley, to steer left.}
RED GREEN: ...it turns the car steering wheel to the left, okay? But we're going backwards, so we end up going to the right, so it all works out. Plus, we'll be driving on ice, and how dangerous can that be? And here's the third thing: because of where I got the pedals mounted there...
{Red puts his foot under some new pedals under the Zamboni steering wheel.}
RED GREEN: ...when I step on the gas or the brake, I actually got my feet right over the defroster vent there, and I'll tell ya, in the dead of winter, nothing brings a smile to your face like a draft whippin' through your pants. Now, I'm sure a bunch of ya are sayin', "Hey, you know what? That right there's enough fun for me." We're not done yet, oh, no, sir! {gets down off the Zamboni} 'Cause a real Zamboni is actually a fully functional ice maintenance machine, and that's where we're headin'. Yeah. 'Cause the real-life Zambonis, don't they have that hot water tanks there and the hot water goes down the ice and melts it and smooths it over? {picks up a pitchfork} Well, we don't have the hot water tanks, but the beauty of a K-car is it's not all that hard to get some kinda hot fluid leak in somewhere.
{Red jams the pitchfork through the car grill, which punctures the radiator and causes it to leak. Several streams of water spew from the freshly-made leaks onto the ground.}
RED GREEN: Perfect. {walks around behind K-car, holding sledgehammer} All right, now I just need something I can... {looks around} drag behind the unit to scrape the ice and kinda smooth out the water. {sees back bumper of K-car} Oh, this'll work.
{Red whacks the back bumper with the sledgehammer. The bumper falls off. Wipe to a later scene. Red is kneeling on the ground next to the car. He has duct-taped the back bumpers to the front of the car to drag along the ground.}
RED GREEN: Alright, I got the car bumper here to knock the big chunks off the ice. And I got the car floor mats to kinda smooth them out. {gets to his feet} One more step, and we're all done. You know, you're gonna be driving this unit around the arena. You're gonna be turnin' a few heads. Why not put it to good use? {picks up sign on the car} Every Zamboni has advertising on the side. Why should yours be any different?
{Red hangs the sign on the Zamboni's radio aerial. It reads, "HAROLD'S DATING SERVICE - ALL WEEKENDS AVAILABLE - CALL 555-DORK".}
RED GREEN: I sure hope he appreciates that. All right! {climbs up on the Zamboni seat} Let's give her a go! You know what they say: the proof of the pudding is in the Zamboni! {laughs} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {starts up the Zamboni} You can almost hear the organ music, can't ya? {starts to drive Zamboni away} Oh, boy!
{Red drives the Zamboni down the road, around a turn and out of sight, waving to the camera as he goes by.}
The Experts[]
{Harold, Red and Ranger Gord are seated around a table.}
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show, part of the show where we like to examine those three little words that men find oh-so-hard to say: {gestures toward audience}
AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!
HAROLD GREEN: {laughs and grooves} Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo! Joining my Uncle Red on this portion of the show is his good friend, Mr. Ranger Gord!
{The audience cheers and Gord salutes them.}
HAROLD GREEN: Hello, Ranger Gord! {picks up letter} Okay, um, letter reads as follows: "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Gord} Haw! "–I have just been bitten by a snake. I am not sure if it is a poisonous one, and I am hoping that you experts could tell me. The snake has long, yellow stripes and is sharp at one end. Please hurry, as I am in..." {looks at letter, confused}
RED GREEN: Is that it?
HAROLD GREEN: {showing letter to Red} Well, there's more, but it gets all scribbly...
RANGER GORD: Red and, uh, Harold, it's no use answering that letter. The venom from that particular breed of snake can drop even a full-grown birch. {pauses} The person that wrote it probably used up their last ounce of strength licking the stamp just to write that.
HAROLD GREEN: {stammers} Like a birch, as in "tree"?
RANGER GORD: Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Now, snakes and trees aren't natural enemies; they don't normally fight. {Red nods} But if the tree were to attack first... the snake will bite back and kill the tree.
RED GREEN: Even if the tree stands perfectly still?
RANGER GORD: Absolutely. Absolutely, Red. I've seen a lot of strange things during my 18 years up at Fire Watchtower 13. {Harold giggles} But when you first see a tree and a snake battle to the death, you think you're– think you're seeing things. You know, you think it's a trick of lights or... maybe one of those strange mushrooms you just ate. {another pause; the audience laughs} But when it happens every day, day after day, or if a tree were to come after you... you better believe it's real, buddy. I just wish I had a camera when it was happening. Or even a pencil.
RED GREEN: {nods} Or a girlfriend.
HAROLD GREEN: You know, actually, Ranger Gord, by the description of this snake, it just sounds like a typical garter snake.
RED GREEN: Yeah...
HAROLD GREEN: You know what? I don't think there's anything to worry about. It's probably just a joke, you know. {laughs}
RANGER GORD: {stares at Harold} And what about the birch, Harold? What about {suddenly yelling} THE BIRCH?!?
HAROLD GREEN: Hmm?
RED GREEN: Yeah, Harold.
RANGER GORD: {looking directly into camera} Red, Harold, everyone, this is an excellent lesson. Think of a snake as a rope. A rope without legs and not available in hardware stores. A lot of people have died at the end of a rope, and a lot of people have died at the end of a snake. Think about it. I did. For five months one winter. Oh, yeah.
RED GREEN: Remember, folks, snakes are just as afraid of you as we are of Ranger Gord.
Plot Segment 3[]
{Red enters the Lodge, rubbing his hands together, trying to keep warm.}
RED GREEN: Okay, the winter carnival's comin' along real good. {blows on his hands; to Harold} Boy, she's a little nippy out there, Harold.
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah. I was listening to my weather radio last night. You know, I was gonna watch X Files, but it was a rerun. Y'know, it's that slime sewer guy one. {mimics monster noises} I saw it before, so I didn't watch it, right? And I finished all my homework, 'cause I sat out of gym class. I didn't even have time to finish all of Billy's homework. So I was just sitting there and I was listening to the weather radio, right? {pantomimes what he says with his hands} And they said that there's a low-pressure over upper state New York, you know, and it's causing this, like, inverted thermal air flow, and it's drawing all the warm air from the south and it's pushing out over the Atlantic Ocean, which is drawing down the frigid air from the Arctic, right? And that's right into our region! That's comin' into our region! That's why you feel so nippy as you do right now. Yeah, yeah!
RED GREEN: You know, Harold, I kinda wish you'd gone to gym class. We'd have better weather, and it'd be your thermals that were inverted. {to camera} Anyway, we're all set for the carnival there. We got refreshment booths and the events all set up. I think it's gonna be a real hoot.
HAROLD GREEN: What kind of events do you got? 'Cause events make or break these kinds of things, you know. Remember last summer's fair? Stinky Peterson set up that running shoe trade-in booth out there in the hot summer sun? {laughs} Completely destroyed food sales!
RED GREEN: No, no, no, we got– No, we got great stuff. We got snowmobile races, we got 4x4 races, we got snowplow races, we got Zamboni races...
HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, no! No, none of that stuff! Aunt Bernice won't like that, it's too loud! You gotta have nice, peaceful, nice, quiet sporting events, like, um... like, um, cross-country skiing!
RED GREEN: Oh, yeah! No, I forgot to mention that: when we do the snowmobile slalom, we're gonna use cross-country skiers as pylons.
HAROLD GREEN: {uncertain} Yeah, like that. That's what I meant, like that. You know, you gotta have stuff for kids, too. Kids are gonna be there. Like, they have– You know, kids like... they like tobogganing and hot chocolate and makin' snowmen and ice sculptures– {suddenly excited; shouting} ICE SCULPTURES! I can make ice sculptures! {quickly} Lemme make an ice sculpture! I can do that for the winter carnival! I can make an ice sculpture, I can do one!
RED GREEN: Well, all right, but nothing wussy or in poor taste. I don't want, like, a 12-foot-high naked lady or something.
HAROLD GREEN: {gasping; struggling for words} Well... no, me, no–
RED GREEN: Good, 'cause you'd probably melt it.
{Harold giggles as Red turns to leave the Lodge.}
Adventures With Bill[]
| Action on screen | Red's voiceover |
|---|---|
| Red stands on a snow-covered hill in wintertime, holding up a long toboggan. Bill walks up to Red and taps him on the shoulder to get his attention, then turns to the camera and waves. Bill unzips his jacket, revealing a sled inside it. He pulls it out. He then walks off, Red following. | Well, I'm supposed to be doing a little tobogganing with Bill today. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Where's your toboggan, Bill? Where's your toboggan? You need the jacket for a toboggan? What the– Oh, for gosh sakes! It's a little, uh, kind of a Lu– Luge... |
| Bill places his sled at the edge of the hill. Red walks up with his long toboggan and Bill waves to him. He then lowers himself down on the sled. Suddenly, it slides out from under him. Bill lands on his rear end and then falls flat on his back. | Kind of a Luge– little Luge sled– little Luge there. Okay, Bill, get on it, get on it, get on it! Bill, get on it, get on it! Too late. |
| The sled slides down the hill. Cut to a shot of the parked Possum Van. The sled suddenly flies through the air and hits the van, knocking off its left rear-view mirror. | Isn't there a jump at the end? A little jump there somewhere? Yeah! |
| Later, Bill is struggling up the hill, holding his sled. Red is waiting at the top. Red takes Bill's sled and places it at the edge of the hill. Red helps Bill as he sits down on top of the sled. Once Bill is seated on his sled, Red pushes his sled down the hill. | Um, yeah. Yeah, there's a jump there, yeah. All right, let's try it again, eh? Re-Luge, I guess you'd call this. Time to re-Luge, men! {chuckles} Get away from me. All right, get on there. All right. All right. And away we go! Away we go! There we go, there we go! |
| Bill screams as he races down the hill on the sled. He is racing at a tree in his path. Bill's sled hits the tree. Bill slams his head against the tree. The sled somehow turns around the tree with Bill still on it, to slide backwards down the hill. Suddenly, the sled hits the jump again and again crashes into the parked van, this time with Bill in tow. After a beat, a dazed Bill gets to his feet. He stumbles around and bumps into the van. He then stumbles off. | Now you're movin', now you're goin', now you're goin'! Oh, there's a tree there! There's a tree, Bill! There's a tree! Yeah, that's the one. Oh, goin' backwards. Isn't there a jump there, still? Yep! Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Uh-huh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lucky the mirror wasn't there, eh, Bill? Watch for the van there, watch for the van. You got it. |
| Later still, Bill is seated on his sled on another downhill slide in a ditch. Red stands behind him. He makes motions with his hands about sliding down and then gives a thumbs-up to the camera. Once he's seated, Red pushes Bill on the sled down the ditch slide. | So he's got a great idea here. He's got her down the ditch, eh? It's kind of beveled out there, so he won't get off track. It's a lot safer, he says. It's a lot safer. So I get him goin' as fast as I can... |
| Bill slides down the hill. He slides right through a stack of three baskets, which gets caught on him. He tosses the baskets aside. He suddenly sees that he's sliding right at the opening of a sewer drain. He screams. He slides into the end of the pipe, causing it to slide down with him. | ...so he won't come back, and, uh... Lookin' good, lookin' good. Baskets, baskets, baskets! Alright. And– Uh-oh, uh-oh! Drainpipe, sewer drain, sewer drain! Ooh! Oh, oh, oh! |
| Bill, with the drainpipe attached to him, continues down the hill, right at a rock. The other end of the pipe catches on the rock, which causes the pipe with Bill on it to be launched into the air. They land on the snowy ground with a crash. Red runs up to see the pipe sticking out of the snowdrift. He pulls the pipe off, revealing a dazed Bill in the snow. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera. | Oh, oh, oh, oh! Golly, Bill looks good with a pipe. How are you, Bill? He's a little drained. |
Plot Segment 4[]
{Red and Harold enter the Lodge. Harold has on a really long scarf that is wrapped around his whole head, with only his nose sticking.}
RED GREEN: {trying to warm his hands} Man, is it ever cold out there! You know, I– I don't– I don't think it's gonna ruin the winter carnival, though, because people, when they want to have fun, they don't notice the cold. So if you look at an NFL game, or the Green Bay or what have you there... I mean, people in the crowd, you know they're freezing, but they're fine! {beside him, Harold unwraps the long scarf from his head} I mean, half of them have their shirts off. Mind you, alcohol doesn't freeze, so I think... But I'm– You know, I– I just think that the people get the spirit up and will have a good time, and I think Bernice is actually gonna thank me for not flying her down to Florida, because she'd have to miss all the good times here!
{By now, Harold has completely freed himself from the scarf. He looks around at the Lodge.}
HAROLD GREEN: {breathless} Oh! Oh, thank goodness! Thought I was outside, still!
RED GREEN: No, no. {looks at Harold's scarf} Boy, that's, uh, that's quite a scarf you got there, Harold.
HAROLD GREEN: Well, thank you very much.
RED GREEN: Yeah.
HAROLD GREEN: I knitted it myself.
RED GREEN: Uh-huh...
HAROLD GREEN: I was waiting for a girl to return my call.
{Harold picks up the long scarf into a big wad. The audience applauds.}
RED GREEN: {looking at scarf} I'm actually surprised it's that short.
HAROLD GREEN: I got four of 'em.
RED GREEN: Oh, yeah. You know, I was looking at your ice sculpture. Uh, what exactly is that?
HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} What do you think it is?
RED GREEN: A waste of ice? I don't know. I mean, it could be a goose, a bear... I'd say a male bear, judging by that one icicle.
HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, it's not an animal at all, it's something you sit on.
RED GREEN: A hemorrhoid?
HAROLD GREEN: No! It's a throne! It's the ice throne of the Possum Lake winter carnival! Where the snow queen will sit and rule over her loyal subjects.
RED GREEN: Well, whatever it is, Harold, it better be done by tonight, because the winter carnival starts first thing tomorrow morning, 9 AM! Bernice is coming up with her girlfriends, and I want everything to be perfect.
HAROLD GREEN: {giggles; suddenly seriously} Oh, boy, there's a tall order.
RED GREEN: Well, Harold, when you've been married as long as Bernice and I have, the concept of "perfect" slides a little. {makes sliding motions with his hands}
HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Perfect!
{Red and Harold turn and leave the Lodge.}
If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying[]
{Red walks out into the Lodge basement from a corner, holding a roll of duct tape. He heads over to a workbench where Mike Hamar stands.}
RED GREEN: This is the repair shop part of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying." Today, we got joining us Mr. Mike Hamar. {Mike waves} What brings you to the repair shop today, Mike?
MIKE HAMAR: {clears throat} Well, actually, it's a condition of my parole. The jail was full.
RED GREEN: Oh. All right, did you bring something for us to fix?
MIKE HAMAR: {picks up a stethoscope} Uh, yeah, my stethoscope, Mr. Green. It's broken.
RED GREEN: {taking stethoscope} Stethoscope? How'd you break this, Mike?
MIKE HAMAR: I dropped it when I was running away. I mean, when I was running... around the block. I like to check my heartbeat when I'm jogging away from things. I think it's the part that you don't put in your ear that's broken. The flat part there is cracked.
RED GREEN: {looking at stethoscope} Oh, yeah, the surface has got a... You're gonna need something. You got any laboratory grade medical latex sheeting?
MIKE HAMAR: {stares} I got a thing in my wallet.
RED GREEN: {shakes his head} No. {picks up duct tape} I think we're gonna go with the duct tape on that, Mike. If I can pull that tight enough on there, it'll pick up the vibrations.
MIKE HAMAR: Great!
RED GREEN: {putting duct tape on stethoscope} What're you doing with a stethoscope, Mike?
MIKE HAMAR: Oh, well, uh, I thought I'd like to improve my life and get a job and... I thought maybe I could be a doctor, like a neurologist or something, you know? So I thought I'd get the stethoscope and some tongue depressors and, uh, maybe some prescriptions, and see how I liked it. {Red nods} And I've been doing some reading, you know, and I know all about the, uh... {makes motions around his chest with his hands} circular system.
RED GREEN: Oh, yeah...
MIKE HAMAR: And, uh, and how the heart pumps blood down through your tiny little "artilleries" and, uh, oh, bones, and, uh, oh, and of course, uh, muscles.
RED GREEN: Mm-hmm...
MIKE HAMAR: Did you know that you got more than 3,000 bones in your hand? Or something like that? Actually, I'm more concentrating on the brain; I'm not all that up on hand bones.
RED GREEN: Mike, did you know that a stethoscope could be used to crack the combination of a safe?
MIKE HAMAR: {stares} Really?
RED GREEN: Yeah.
MIKE HAMAR: Oh, boy, oh, boy, Mr. Green, that sure is good to know. But for me, really, I use– I like to use the stethoscope to listen to the inside of a person.
RED GREEN: Yeah. You know, honesty is a big part of life, Mike, especially if you're gonna be a neurologist.
MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, that's right.
RED GREEN: Yeah.
MIKE HAMAR: You're right.
RED GREEN: Yeah.
MIKE HAMAR: That's right. Um, well, you know, that's a good point, Mr. Green. Actually, I– I mostly use the stethoscope to listen to my own heart.
RED GREEN: Do you really?
MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, yeah...
{Mike takes the stethoscope and places the bell of it on the right side of his chest.}
RED GREEN: And how does your heart sound?
MIKE HAMAR: It's perfect.
RED GREEN: Uh-huh. Your heart's on the other side, Mike.
MIKE HAMAR: {laughs} Oh, yeah!
{Mike places the bell of the stethoscope on his back. He nods. Red smiles and shakes his head dismissively.}
Plot Segment 5[]
{Red and Harold enter the Lodge, both looking cold as they are covered in bits of snow and walking very slowly. Red's hat has icicles hanging from the brim. Harold's long scarf sticks out, frozen. The lenses of his glasses are fogged up and icicles hang from the rims. Red ducks his head to avoid getting hit by the frozen scarf.}
RED GREEN: I gotta tell ya, that– that's the coldest event I've been at since I told Bernice's parents we were getting married.
HAROLD GREEN: {loudly} It's minus 60 degrees! With a wind chill factor, minus 73!
RED GREEN: Is that Celsius or Fahrenheit?
HAROLD GREEN: {exasperated} Who cares?!
RED GREEN: Yeah. No, no, no. Oh, the winter carnival was a disaster. None of the snowmobiles would start, and the hot chocolate all froze over, and... people's breaths was so thick, you had to stop talking before you could see who it was.
HAROLD GREEN: Did Aunt Bernice enjoy herself?
RED GREEN: Ah, yeah, I think she– I would– I was a little disappointed she didn't get out of the car. But they seemed to be having fun in there. They had the radio on, and they were playing gin rummy. They had the thermos of gin and rummy, you know?
{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}
HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time, Uncle Red.
RED GREEN: {leaning away to avoid Harold's frozen scarf} You go ahead, Harold, all right? I'll be right down. {ducks as Harold swings his scarf around as he turns} Might wanna think about gettin' cable.
{Harold slowly trudges to the basement at the back of the Lodge.}
RED GREEN: {looking into camera} So if my wife is watchin', I'll be comin' straight home after the meeting. Bernice, I was hoping that maybe tonight, you get all those brochures of those retirement places down south, and we'll have ourselves the biggest fire you ever saw. I'm not dead, honey, I'm just cold! To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, {gestures a shaky, cold hand toward the back of the Lodge} H– Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, {waving his shaky hand} keep your stick on the ice.
{Red slowly trudges toward the basement. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold is down there, still covered in snow and ice. Red walks toward the front of the meeting, also still cold.}
HAROLD GREEN: Everybody, take your seat, here he comes! You can smell him when he's close. You can– Don't tell him I said that, but...
{Red and Harold take their places at the head of the meeting as the men all sit down.}
HAROLD GREEN: Okay. Take your seats. All rise.
{Everyone stands up and puts their arms over their chests.}
EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.
RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits}
HAROLD GREEN: {remaining standing} Just got one quick announcement: until further notice, there will be no ice fishing on Possum Lake. Due to the extreme cold, the lake is completely frozen solid from top to bottom! So don't be trying to carve a hole in there, 'cause you'll just be, like, wreckin' all the snowmobiles and 4x4s and appliances that are down there.