The complete transcript The Sing Along Machine
Intro[]
{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, there are a few scenes from the show, followed by a stock footage of a bird flying through the sky at sunset, amid various gunshot sounds.}
{Open to a scene inside the Possum Lodge. Camera slowly pans forward.}
HAROLD GREEN: And now, it's time to prove that men do not need lives to find desperation, no way, they're loud. And we picked a loud man. Don't you think of the men of Possum Lodge generally? My uncle in particular? He's the leader of the Possum Lodge, and that's only because we weren't— you know, the discouraging lack of turnout on the election day. But anyway, here's the star of The Red Green Show, and that's due mainly to the fact that he has the same name. Anyway, here he is, Mr. Red Green!
RED GREEN: Thank you, Harold. Thank you, and welcome to the Possum Lodge. Please don't judge the show by anything Harold says, or does. He's only my producer and director, because first of all, he's my nephew, and secondly, this is black fly country which really teaches you to put up with just about anything.
HAROLD GREEN: And I'm here to put juice in the show, like this.
{Harold presses a button, which causes the screen to zoom out and spin around on a red background. Zooms back in.}
HAROLD GREEN: Hoo ha! Woo!
RED GREEN: We may let them watch a half hour of that. Anyway, things are really hopping up at the lodge this week. Eddie made a special stew. Tasted like a Hungarian galosh.
HAROLD GREEN: You know what I think the problem is. I think Eddie doesn't concentrate on— when he cooks.
RED GREEN: Well, that's it in a nutshell, Harold. And some of that shell. Eddie's mind is somewhere else.
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, Broadway. He wants to sing on Broadway.
RED GREEN: Oh, no. I think it's— it's more of the off-Broadway, isn't it Harold? I mean, when he sings it sounds off. I mean, way off Broadway. Maybe the Yukon.
HAROLD GREEN: Well, I think we should maybe just get on to the next segment, Uncle Red. Remember that "pacing" thing we talked about at the last production meeting?
RED GREEN: Yeah, okay. So anyway, a bunch of the guys, you know, managed to have a word with Eddie. You know, once the keg of PeptAid kicked in. They were kind of rough on him. Especially Moose Thomson, because Moose, he'd had a whole bag full of stew, and the thing with Moose is, he eats so darn fast, he really doesn't taste anything until he's into the third plateful.
HAROLD GREEN: We're going...
RED GREEN: Uh, yeah, so once Moose had finished, you know, talking to Eddie about his physical appearance, his religious practice, and his ethnic background, Eddie has decided to really back off on the cooking and focus his full attention on the show biz career.
HAROLD GREEN: {swinging back and forth} Woo! We're going!
RED GREEN: Yeah, I'm— I'm done, Harold, go ahead.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh. Oh, uh, uh, okay. All right. All right. {presses button, nothing happens} Didn't do nothing. Okay. {into headset} Larry, Larry, my manual up there? The— {loud, high-pitched noise} Yeah, oh, that's loud! Loud!
{screen zooms out to the Possum Lodge exterior}
HAROLD GREEN: There we go. Ah!
In The Lodge[]
EDDIE JOHNSON: Okay. Attach air raid siren to truck alternator.
BILL SMITH: Check.
EDDIE JOHNSON: And then, plug unit in.
BILL SMITH: All right.
EDDIE JOHNSON: Bill, you plug it in, and I'll pump up the volume.
HAROLD GREEN: An air raid siren? What— what is this thing, Eddie?
EDDIE JOHNSON: This is a karaoke machine, Harold. You see, you put the, uh, the tape, with just the music on it right in here, and then you sing along. Very ?
HAROLD GREEN: Wow, I— surprising. Hey, the Japanese workers are in the factories, singing songs, and they're making all those camcorders?
EDDIE: The Japanese are very powerful in the business. And there's no business like show business, and that's my business, and now I've got a machine that's gonna hone my skills.
{Red walks in behind Eddie.}
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you've got a cup on it.
EDDIE JOHNSON: I'm going to be on Broadway, Harold, and you are not going to rain on my parade. I'm going to be the next Bobbita
RED GREEN: What does this thing here cost, Eddie?
EDDIE JOHNSON: I–I-I-I got a real deal from Murray, see, he makes these in his basement. Oh, wait till you hear the sound on this thing, Red.
{Eddie stands up and takes the mic.}
EDDIE JOHNSON: Okay, Bill, there's a plug over there behind the stove. Wanna get it?
{Bill plugs the machine in. Sparks start to fly, and Eddie shakes frantically.}
HAROLD GREEN: Whoo-hoo-hoo! There's a light show, too!
{Bill claps.}
RED GREEN: Bill, Bill, Bill. ? Looks like Eddie took a big jolt there.
HAROLD GREEN: Why? Was he standing in water?
RED GREEN: No, but I am.
{Murray and Dwayne Woolworth walk in.}
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Hey, Eddie, we got that songbook list for you. What's the matter with him? Singing falsetto?
RED GREEN: No, er, he just got some feedback from your Kamikaze machine there.
DWAYNE: We brought you the ? tracks to Funny Girl, Annie Get Your Gun, and South Pacific. Except for I'm Going To Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair. Murray and I didn't think you wanted that one anyway.
{Two guys walk in.}
DOC RENDOR: Well, you don't have to decide right now. Better get away from him, Dwayne. Might be a goner.
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
Or is this his version
of "silent night"?
[ laughter ]
"silent night."
well, I got
my rubber-soled shoes on,
so I guess
I'll discharge him.
Bill, you want to ground that
on the stove?
You know,
with a touch more wire,
we could use him to jump-start
the lawn tractor out back.
All right.
Let her rip.
[ groans ]
♪ don't cry for me,
argentina ♪
[ groans ]
you karaoked me!
[ groans ]
♪ hey, big spender ♪
[ groans ]
I was standing
right there,
and all of a sudden...
[ groans ]
♪ 76 trombones
led the big parade ♪
[ groans ]
...I got
this incredible shock.
Huh? Well, maybe you
hooked it up wrong.
I didn't hook it up wrong.
[ groans ]
♪ how do you solve a problem
like maria? ♪
[ groans ]
you built it wrong.
And you are just darn lucky
that I wasn't hurt or...
[ groans ]
♪ when you're a jet,
you're a jet ♪
[ groans ]
...And suffered
permanent damage.
Are you feeling okay,
eddie?
Yes, red. I'm fine.
[ groans ]
♪ mine ♪
[ groans ]
doc?
Very unusual, red.
Entertaining as hell,
though.
We're just lucky there wasn't a
polka tape in that damn machine.
Amen.
Well, murray,
I think you'd better give eddie
his money back here.
Hey, no. No way.
I --
[ groans ]
♪ I could have danced
all night ♪
♪ I could have danced
all -- ♪
[ groans ]
I don't want my money back.
I just -- I just want
this machine fixed.
I need it
for my career.
Eddie, I-I think,
uh, a cash refund is
enough of a long shot.
Well, see, it --
it wasn't my --
[ groans ]
♪ give me down to there, hair,
shoulder length or longer ♪
[ groans ]
...Money. I kind of borrowed it
from the, uh --
the lodge, uh,
entertainment fund.
Well, you guys better
work this out between you,
but whatever you come up with,
it's got to be entertaining
or -- or profitable
or kill one of you.
You know, with that
electric-shock thing there,
eddie, I thought it was
really entertaining.
You know what? Maybe we could
sell this to alice cooper.
Uh, well, maybe so,
but she better not touch it
till it's fixed.
[ groans ]
♪ chicago, chicago
is my kind of town ♪
♪ is my kind of town ♪
[ groans ]
what?
[ drums and guitar playing ]
♪ don't stick your face
in a hollow log ♪
♪ don't squat on your haunches
in a toxic bog ♪
♪ don't lie faceup
in a cattle field ♪
♪ and don't ever date
a woman named crusher ♪
this week
on "handyman corner,"
we're gonna show you
how to do some rust-proofing
on your car.
Uh, you know, uh, these days,
uh, with the government putting
so much salt on the roads,
you know,
they end up retaining water,
and then your car
rusts out on you.
So you end up having to do
some bodywork
or some sort
of a defensive mechanism.
Uh, a lot of people
are using fiberglass,
put the fiberglass on the car.
But, uh, that's hard to do,
it's expensive, it smells funny,
and, uh, you can't even
put a fridge magnet
and leave a message for anybody
on your car after that.
Uh, now, moose thompson --
what he done
was he, uh, completely encased
his truck in cement,
uh, which was
kind of a novel approach.
It really cut
into his gas mileage,
but if he's ever in an accident,
he wins.
But, uh, I want to take kind of
a -- kind of a new approach.
I want you to think about this.
Linoleum.
Try putting some linoleum
right on your car.
It's -- it's fairly inexpensive.
It's lightweight. It's durable.
And if you get
into a fender bender, you know,
if you got a decent
cushion floor on there,
it could save your life.
What you do is, uh, take her out
and cut her out in roughly
the shape of the car.
Stick it on with the handyman's
secret weapon -- duct tape.
Oh, this will take you
three or four hours
on a -- on a Saturday or --
or really any -- any day.
I mean, that part's up to you.
But, uh, I think you'll be
quite surprised
and -- and
to a certain extent amazed,
uh, at how it turns out.
Now, I'm, uh, kind of
on a limited budget,
so I did this all with, uh --
with the samples.
But, uh, I suppose
if money's no object,
you would get, you know,
the whole roll of linoleum
in 9x12 or whatever it comes in,
and do it all.
Actually,
I kind of like this look.
And I'm sure
there's people out there,
maybe yuppies or what have you,
that would, uh --
that would want
to do it all in parquet
or, uh, terrazzo tile
of some kind.
But this is just fine for me.
It's, uh -- it's easy as heck
to keep clean, too,
because it's a --
it's a no-wax finish.
You just damp-mop that down,
especially if there's eggs
or what have you on it.
Comes right up,
looks real good.
Myself, personally, I'm gonna --
I'm gonna polish this up.
But that's just a --
that's a pride thing.
That's just something
that I have.
But, uh, if any of you want
to do this with anything,
it's the same technique.
As long as you got the duct tape
and the time,
you can have something
that looks like this
sitting in your driveway.
So, until next time,
remember --
if the women
don't find you handsome,
they should
at least find you handy.
Beautiful, beautiful thing,
is it not?
"it is autumn.
"one last ride in the boat,
"one last day at the cottage,
"one last drive in the car
through the hills,
and then the repo man
takes it all away."
so, anyway, eddie the cook
wants us to keep
that karaoke machine
since it was bought
with lodge money,
but, you know, it's awful hard
to follow the argument
when he keeps breaking
into rodgers and hammerstein.
I can understand good value
for the money,
but "I am 16, going on 17"?
Anyway, the bunch of us
went down to murray's store
to try to get a refund.
We didn't know whether
to use brute force
or perhaps something
more subtle, like, say,
closing all the windows
and getting stinky peterson
to negotiate a settlement.
Gee, you know, uncle red,
dwayne and murray,
they're both lodge members.
You know,
I really can't see them
intentionally ripping
other lodge members off.
Well, no, no.
I agree with that.
But just to be on the safe side,
moose and helmut
took down a couple of pickaxes
and a zamboni.
That'll get murray's
attention, you know.
Oh, wait a minute.
That's violence.
No, no, that's using violence
as a tool,
and I cannot adhere
to violence in any form.
Oh, harold, if I had
your personality,
I'd be against violence
myself.
Exactly, and I'll bet you
that violence
didn't get you anywhere,
either, did it?
Well, it sort of did.
Well, murray gave you
your money back?
Not yet,
but I'll tell you --
we got an unbelievable price
on work socks.
Wa! Wa-a-a!
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay. All right.
Wa-a-a!
Yeah, good deal.
Way to go.
Good work there,
uncle red.
[ chuckles ]
anyway, we may have to go
to binding arbitration
to settle this thing.
What's that?
Well, that's where we tie
murray and dwayne into a chair
and take their teeth out.
That's fair.
Well, doc, I really appreciate
what you did for eddie there.
Took a heck of a jolt,
didn't he, huh?
I'll bet that shows up
on this month's electric bill.
Well, I've seen my share
of electrocutions, red.
Really?
I'd say -- I'd say he took
a peak voltage
of 12 million amps
of r.C.
Wow.
Not a curly hair
left on his body.
Oh? Gee, that seems like
a lot of power, doc.
That seems a little high to me,
12 million amps.
I mean, wouldn't that
kill a man?
Well, no, no, no,
not if you got both feet
on dry ground, red.
Oh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
as long as the part of you
touching the ground
is larger than the surface area
of your own forehead,
you're okay, yeah.
Yeah, I learned that
when I was working
at the generating station.
Oh, yeah, like an
electricity-generating station?
Well, that's the only kind
I ever heard of.
Oh.
Course,
I don't know everything.
I'm kidding.
Yeah, we were the biggest
generating station
in the hemisphere,
yeah --
86 megawatts per day.
Wow.
Yep.
Wow.
[ chuckles ]
you know, I remember
at lunchtime,
some of the fellas and I,
we'd, uh...Bungee-jump
off the transformer towers.
Oh, my god.
Oh, you'd be okay.
It was till you got close
to the ground.
Then there'd be
this flash of lightning
arc across
from your sinus cavities
right into
the metal tool shed.
Oh, my god.
Yeah, then
it would rain.
[ film projector clicking ]
red: Uh, this week, bill told me
to come out into the woods.
We were gonna talk
about first aid,
how to look after injuries,
which is a good thing.
Now, he's got
about an 80-, 90-pound bag
of first aid
medical equipment there,
so he's really well-equipped.
This is the surgical tape,
and -- oh.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, oh, god, oh, the pain.
You know, the pain goes right
up -- right up your leg.
It goes right
into your back there,
gets into your
central nervous system.
But luckily bill had the
surgical tape right out there.
You want to wrap her up,
and did kind of a nice job.
Little bit of the handyman's
secret weapon
sneaking into another part
of the show here.
Did a nice job,
but the unfortunate part is,
of course, you know,
it was the wrong foot.
Yeah, no, it's not --
it's that.
Ow!
And not only up the backbone,
but the pain gets
right up into your brain,
the cranial section.
Anyway, he got the other foot,
the correct foot,
all wrapped up.
Oh, oh.
Golly.
And, uh...
Now just get me up
into the standing position.
You know, we were gonna pretend.
Oh, gee. You know, the arms
come up there.
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, bill.
Sorry. I didn't mean
any of that, you know.
But I was darn glad it happened.
[ bones cracking ]
oh, god!
Don't stand on my foot, bill!
Anyway, if you can get me up
into the --
now this is kind of
the cantilever,
seesaw kind of a --
and I came up,
but, unfortunately,
bill went down.
You know, I really couldn't put
any weight at all on the ankle,
so, uh, bill says to me,
"what you need is some sort
of a crutch there,"
you know, and I didn't have
a crutch in his bag.
But, uh,
he's gonna take a saw --
he's gonna cut me -- he's gonna
try and cut something to --
gonna get a big -- get a branch
or what have you
and maybe -- no, not --
no, bill, that's a little --
that's too -- that's not --
you're not gonna make a --
that's a --
no, that's too --
it's heavy, and it's too big.
No, it's not gonna work.
No, bill.
Ohh! Ooh!
[ grunts ]
all right, so now this required
a little more surgical tape.
Now the pain was running
from my brain down into my foot.
So off -- he comes back
with another branch
he's gonna make into a crutch
'cause it had that little
fork thing,
and that's
what you need there.
And a little high, though.
I don't think manute bol
has a sprained ankle.
Now, bill, don't watch us, bill.
Don't look at the camera.
Bill -- oh.
You know, well, I tried.
Okay, so now I'm using
the surgical tape on his hand.
And now he's got the crutch.
You think I'm gonna try this?
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
Show us how it works, bill.
Ugh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
So now I can just --
oh, sorry.
I'll just tighten --
tighten that up.
That was a sling, again,
out of the bag.
So he's got a hand
and kind of a busted-up arm,
and I've got the head
and the foot thing.
And now we'll get him up here,
just get him up standing now.
You know, bill doesn't look
all that heavy,
but when he starts to rock --
oh, oh, oh, oh!
Sorry. Sorry, bill.
So I got a little more of
the surgical tape, and, uh...
This was turning
into quite a day, really.
We hadn't felt this bad
since new year's day.
So I've become now, you see,
a bit woozy, so I thought I'd...
You know,
this is the fireman's lift,
but, you know,
gravity's a funny thing.
It can shift --
oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh, my back.
Oh, golly.
So, this is something I found
that's darn interesting.
If you get a couple of poles
and you get a couple
of old shirts
out of your laundry hamper,
you can -- what you do is you
put the sleeves on the poles,
over the --
the sleeves of the shirts --
[ chuckles ]
well, I have
a head injury there.
Over the poles,
and what you can make
is you make a stretcher
because once you get the sleeves
on there,
you do up the buttons,
and you got yourself --
you got yourself a stretcher.
But, I'll tell you,
at this point,
I've had enough of bill.
I'm hurting, I'm tired,
I'm hungry.
Ohh!
Well, things happen,
you know.
It's time to go, bill.
He can try some first aid
on himself.
I'm out of here.
And over.
Well, by golly, it's been --
it's been quite a day.
You know, after a few trips
to murray's store,
we had about as many work socks
as we were ever gonna need.
At that price, who could say no,
even if they were singles?
So you've pretty much
given up
on this refund
for the karaoke thing?
Is that
what you're doing?
Well, you're getting a little
ahead of me here, harold.
Well, that's not
too hard to do.
Think you can see
why nepotism
is the main cause
of heart attacks.
So, murray told dwayne
to fix the machine,
problem there being
that dwayne is not exactly
a rocket scientist.
He's more of a nose cone.
So anyway,
dwayne fixed the machine,
then he plugged it in,
and he ended up getting zapped
worse than eddie.
Wa-a-a! Worse?
Like what?
Is he singing, like,
broadway show tunes, too?
Well, no, harold.
Dwayne had a different tape
in there.
It was lorne greene reading
robert service poetry.
So it's a nice change,
you know,
but I think
we're gonna be able
to straighten up
this refund situation
at tonight's
lodge meeting.
[ screeching ]
oh, there it is.
That's the call of the meeting,
uncle red.
Come on, we got to go.
Well, uh, if you'll just excuse
me for a few minutes here,
I just got to go
down to the meeting,
straighten the whole deal up,
and it won't take too long.
While I'm gone, why don't you
just sit quietly
and discuss your favorite part
of the show so far?
[ indistinct conversations ]
helmut --
everybody sit down.
Shh! Shh!
Sit down.
All right, all rise!
All:
Quando omni flunkus, moritati.
The floor recognizes
murray woolworth.
Thank you, red.
Well, as you know,
we at murray's pride ourselves
on having the lowest prices
around.
But that also means that refunds
and exchanges
are a long shot, at best.
[ audience murmurs ]
well, even so --
even so --
we have done everything
in our power
to satisfy eddie here,
which led
to an unfortunate injury
sustained by my assistant,
dwayne.
Now, there may even be
brain damage,
but who can tell?
Don't worry about me.
I'm fine now.
[ groans ]
there are
strange things done
'neath the midnight sun
by the men
who moil for gold.
[ groans ]
dwayne has nothing to do
with this.
I want my...
[ groans ]
♪ happy talk, keep talking,
happy talk ♪
[ groans ]
...Money back!
Don't you listen?
Are you hard of hearing?
Aren't you listening?
Don't you listen?
Can you not hear me?
You are not going
to get your...
[ groans ]
on the marge
of lake lebarge,
I cremated
sam mcgee.
[ groans ]
...Money back!
Oh, is that...
[ groans ]
♪ I enjoy being
a girl ♪
[ groans ]
...So!
Look, if you think
that you can...
[ groans ]
sam mcgee came
from tennessee,
where the cotton --
[ groans ]
...Tell me what to do,
well, then let me tell you --
[ indistinct shouting,
electricity crackles ]
[ chuckles nervously ]
well, dwayne.
Well.
All right, sor--
sorry I'm late.
Well, you two have
anything else to say, then?
Uh, no.
No, me neither,
no thoughts.
What?
No thoughts from dwayne?
Well, this day is full
of surprises, isn't it?
What do you suppose
just happened there, doc?
Well, red,
they've either created
what's called
a spark capacitor
and discharged ions
of opposite charges,
which neutralizes the electrical
imbalances of the brain,
or -- or it's real love.
It's too soon to tell,
really.
Well, hope for the best
on that.
Uh, any other
lodge business, bill?
Okay, then I'm
gonna call on doc
to give us
the evening's entertainment.
[ cheers and applause ]
okay, fellas!
Well, now, I don't think
I told all you guys
about the time that me
and morey amsterdam
were fly-fishing
on the dead sea.
Yeah, twice.
Well, as we say
up at the lodge,
we don't care how it ends,
as long as it does.
We didn't get our money back,
but any machine
that can electrocute our cook
has to be worth something.
And, you know, seeing eddie
and dwayne perform together,
you get a sense
of why vaudeville died.
Anyway, if my wife is watching,
I'll be coming straight home
after the meeting,
and I'm in the mood
for something dangerous,
so you might want to invite
your folks over.
Well, anyway, till next time,
on behalf of myself and harold
and the whole gang
up here at possum lodge,
keep your stick on the ice.
and, luckily, I was wearing
an aqualung at the time
so I could breathe down there.
I was down there about 40 feet,
cruising along the bottom,
water crystal clear
as far as you can see.
Way up ahead of me,
I noticed there's no fish,
but there was some kind
of a weird kind
of human-shaped thing.
And it's paddling
and kicking.
I look behind me,
and there's more coming
straight at me, as well!
I can see he's got --
hang on there!
Finish this story.
Not a word of it's a lie.