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The complete transcript for The Science Fair


HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! Ha-ha! And now, here's the man who left his body to science, his wardrobe to history, and his personality to chance, your hero, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

{Red enter the lodge amid the audience's cheering.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much, huh? By golly! All right! {raises his arms to tone down cheering} Save yourselves, you got a family, alright? {cheering ends} Well, you know, every time this year up at the lodge, the guys start making their own beer or making their own wine. Guess it's just their way of trying to give something back to the system. Now, this one fella has made a real interesting batch. Doesn't taste too bad.

HAROLD GREEN: Is it wine or is it beer?

RED GREEN: Kinda hard to tell, Harold. I'd say it's either a sparkling wine or a light beer.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, what does it say on the label?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Um, "American Standard". Yeah, well, it's still in the bathtub, right? Yeah. {back to camera} Actually, it's brewing away right now.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red} The bathtub?


HAROLD GREEN: The bath– Uncle Red, that's my science experiment for the school science fair.


HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I'm pickling pollywogs.

RED GREEN: Oh, come on, Harold, it tastes way too good for that. Besides, why would you put all those olives in there?

HAROLD GREEN: Those are the pollywogs.

{Red suddenly looks sick and keels over, holding his hands in his mouth.}

Title sequence[]

{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red, Harold and Hap seated at a table. They all start laughing. Hap slaps his hands on the table and points at Harold.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} What you're looking at now is a bunch of segments from this particular show.

{Cut to a shot of Red holding a telescope and Harold trying to weld some metal to a crystal radio he's making, only to accidentally burn his finger. Harold stumbles in pain, shaking his hand.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} The main message being, "For gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel."

{Cut to a shot of Red trying to cut a piece of wood in half with a table saw, the blade supposedly at a 45-degree angle. He is trying to create that angle in the wood. After cutting through the wood, he reshapes the wood into a 90-degree angle, but it's off too much.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell ya something, if you wanna make sense outta this program...

{Cut to a shot of Dalton talking in front of an audience during a meeting of Men Anonymous.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} gotta give it your undivided attention.

Plot Segment 2[]

{Red and Harold enter the lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: I can't believe you guys! You drank my entire science experiment right out of the tub! Moose– Moose licked the ring and ate the plug!

RED GREEN: Relax, Harold. You can just make something else.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Like– Like, it was a whole ecology of our wetlands, you know? Now I got twelve lodge members in a belching contest.

RED GREEN: If you were smart, you'd work that into the project. That's marsh gas. I'll tell you what, Harold, why don't you and I do a project together? You know, toxic wastes, the ozone layer or something?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, we could, but no, thanks. I had my heart set on winning this contest, so... {insistingly} Girls like guys who look like scientists. {smiles}

RED GREEN: Well, that could be, but you look more like an experiment, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly excitedly} Oh! I know what I can do! I know what I can do! I know what I can do! I know what I can do. I can do it. I'll do, like, astronomy. That's what I'll do. I'll, like, grind my own lenses, silver my own mirror, {pretends to look into a telescope with both hands} and I'll line the focal planes and make a telescope! Haw! Yeah.

RED GREEN: {excited} That sounds like fun! {runs toward door} I'll get some duct tape!

HAROLD GREEN: {stopping Red} No, no, no! No. No, see, adults aren't allowed to help. You either. {continues to pretend to look through a telescope}

RED GREEN: All right, Harold, you just grind your hovel to your heart's content, all right? {turns to leave}


RED GREEN: {leaving, then turning to face Harold} I'm gonna make my own telescope.

HAROLD GREEN: All right.

RED GREEN: {leaving, then again facing Harold} I think I can be a great astronomer, Harold. {reaches front door}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, he's always been good at staring off into space.

{Red opens the door, but turns and stares at Harold when he says that. Red holds the door open as he stares.}

Adventures With Bill Teaser[]

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Bill stands under a set of rings hanging from the frame of a swing set. Red walks up. Bill waves to the camera and to Red. Bill makes grabbing motions towards the rings above him. He sticks out his arms and then raises his arms. He makes motions down the front of himself. You know, one of the biggest dangers of having something on television is that people see things and they think they should try them. You know, like blowing up a van or doing something athletic, in Bill's case.
Bill picks up a gym bag and walks off-screen with it, while Red looks up at the rings above. Oh, he's gonna change his clothes there. I guess he saw this at the Olympics, where they have the rings, and you...
Suddenly, some articles of clothing fly past Red's face, getting his attention. He then gets hit in the face by the gym bag, which is thrown in his direction. He then looks and sees Bill, who is now wearing a white skintight tank-top and white skintight pants. He waves to the camera. However, there are is a lump on both sides of his pant legs. Uh-oh, what's happening? Oh, Bill, you don't have to change right– right– Oh, oh.
Red points out the two lumps to Bill. Bill feels around himself and then digs inside his shirt and then into his pants. He pulls out one shoe and holds it in front of Red's face, who recoils from the evident odor coming from. Billdrops the shoe and pulls out the other lump, which is his other shoe. He tries to put on this shoe, but then changes his mind, waving dismissively. He drops the shoe. Bill? He can't even that. That's... That's your personal, uh... That's your personal business under there, I would say. No... Oh, oh, oh, it's a shoe. All right, all right. Okay. No, that's fine. Wow, that's a bit of a Ponderosa.
Bill then walks towards the hanging rings. He reaches up and grabs the rings. He then strains to pull himself up off the ground, but he only gets a few inches up. He swings around, kicking his legs around wildly, without actually lifting up off the ground. Anyway... nice figure. Fine-looking man. And, uh, up he goes. I'll tell ya, uh, what he's finding out is that, you know, some things aren't as easy as they look. Things like being Bill's friend, for example.
Bill waves Red over. Bill gestures to his feet. Red bends down and puts his hands under one of Bill's feet to help lift him up. Bill takes a hold of the rings again and puts his legs on Red's back. Bill tries to lift himself off the ground again, but just starts swinging around again. Red takes one of Bill's legs in his arm, trying to hold him. They get tangled up together. Finally, Bill loses his grip on the rings, and he and Red fall down on the ground in a heap. They groan. So I come and give him... I'll give you a boost up there, Bill. I'm giving ya– It's a boost– a boost– Bill, it's a boost. I'm te– Aw, man!

The Possum Lodge Word Game[]

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to "The Possum Lodge Word Game"! Where tonight's grand prize is a weekend for two at the solitaire championships! {walks over to the card table where Red and Mike sit} Okay, Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Mike Hamar to say this word...

{Mike covers his ears while Harold holds up a sign that says the word, which is...}

HAROLD GREEN: Father. {starts to set sign down on table, but notices Mike uncovering his ears; Mike hastily recovers them} Father. {sets sign down on table; giggles} And go. {steps back}

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, your mother is married to...

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, her job. Exotic dancing's her life.

RED GREEN: Alright, okay, okay, I'm talking about, the man who take care of you when you were young was your...

MIKE HAMAR: {nodding perplexedly} ...truant officer.

RED GREEN: {looks up} No, this– this is a family member, Mike. The man who slept with your mother.

MIKE HAMAR: {stares} Could you be more specific?

RED GREEN: {looking away for a few seconds} Okay, growing up with just a mom, you knew you had a...

MIKE HAMAR: ...curfew.

RED GREEN: Another word for "daddy".


RED GREEN: {looks perplexed, then brightens up} Alright, alright, Mike, if your wife has kids, you'll be...

MIKE HAMAR: {shaking head} ...long gone.

RED GREEN: {looks disappointed, then brightens up again, shaking his finger} Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Just like your...

MIKE HAMAR: ...father.

RED GREEN: There we go!

{Red rapidly rings a bell on the table to end the game. Harold points to Mike, who smiles and makes excited gestures.}

Handyman Corner[]

{The camera pans through another part of the lodge, past the Handyman Corner sign, and reaches Red standing beside a table saw.}

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you how to make a very common joint that you use for building furniture, houses, even wooden cars. It's a 90-degree joint, and all's you need is a table saw, {shrugs} or a friend who has one. {tightens saw blade into place with fingers and then holds up a separate saw blade} Now, I've just switched the blade in this thing, because this one's a special blade {holds up a huge piece of metal} which is used for cuttin' metal. Does a heck of a job, doesn't it?

{Red tosses the metal piece aside. It lands with a clattering crash. He then goes back to tightening the second blade into the table saw with his fingers.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, you don't need to horse this thing down or anything. {straining to tighten blade in} Just finger-tight is fine. {finishes tightening in blade; wipes hands together} And then just start her up!

{Red bends down to flip a switch on the side of the table saw over and turn the machine on. Suddenly, the saw blade shoots out of the machine and up into the air. Red looks up at what's going on.}

RED GREEN: All right, I– I guess I shouldn't use the stronger finger. But there's a lesson to you youngsters out there: never compromise safety just because you can't find a wrench.

{Red feels around in his pants and then pulls out a wrench. Suddenly, he looks up to see the saw blade falling back down.}


{Red grabs and holds up a metal tub and uses it to catch the falling saw blade in it.}

RED GREEN: Boy, I wonder if it's still sharp?

{Red reaches his finger into the tub and then suddenly pulls it out, shaking and clutching at it. He stumbles around.}


{Red stumbles out of the room. Wipe to a later scene. Red is putting the new saw blade into the table saw machine. He is straining to bend the blade into a prone position with a wrench.}

RED GREEN: All right, I think we're ready to start cutting now. {flips switch and turns machine on; holds up hand, with fingers stretched out} Here's a little advice for ya: count your fingers before and after every cut, and then you'll know if you should be shifting through the sawdust. {picks up long plank} And just do this little cut here.

{Red slowly runs the wood over the spinning sawblade. The saw cuts through the wood. Red then holds up the wood. The blade did not actually cut through the whole wood, only along the lower part of the wood. Red doesn't notice at first, however. He turns off the machine.}

RED GREEN: And, uh, it's that easy, basically. She's, uh... {examines wood now} Alright, well, she didn't, uh, actually cut all the way through there, so... {raises hand up} I guess we'd have to set the blade a little bit higher, {lowers hand} or you can set the table a little bit lower. Your choice, really. {looks at wood} Oh, no, I know.

{Red slams the wood down on the machine, breaking off the cut piece of wood and splitting it in two. Wipe to a later scene. Red is feverishly turning a crank on the side of the machine to raise the sawblade a bit higher. He finally finishes.}

RED GREEN: That ought to do her. Now, here's something else that you can do with a table saw. When you want to cut along {moves left hand across in front of his chest} the length of a board, that's called ripping. {puts on safety gloves} You can rip things! Rip right through the board there! It's a lot easier than doing it by hand. {picks up another piece of wood} It's called ripping!

{Red uses the wood to turn on the table saw machine. He then places the end of the wood against the blade to cut through it, but suddenly, it slips out of his grasp and flies backwards behind him. Red looks on in surprise. The wood hits something with a crash.}

RED GREEN: You know how it just kinda went ripping out of there? {chuckles; turns off machine} Here's what I wanted to show you today. {picks two small, blocky pieces of wood} You know, when you join a couple of pieces, you know, in a right angle, a 90-degree angle, {puts two pieces of wood together, one end lying on top of another} sometimes you make a joint like that. That's called a butt joint, and frankly, it's kind of butt ugly. Some I'm gonna show you how to make another kind called a miter joint. Miter. That's a French word that means... {pauses to think} not butt. {drops wood; walks over to machine} Okay, so you're still gonna have your 90-degree angles, but you're gonna do it with {puts fingertips together in a 90-degree angle position} two 45s. If you wanna have the right angle, anything else is a wrong angle, which I have proven many times. {stoops down beside machine} So all you gotta do is set your saw to exactly 45 degrees.

{Red tries vainly to set the saw blade to a 45-degree angle, but it is quite stubborn. Wipe to a later scene. The saw blade had apparently been set to the right angle and the table saw machine has been activated. Red cuts a piece of wood through the angled blade, so that the cut is at that same angle.}

RED GREEN: There we go! {turns off machine} All right, so, uh... now we got our two 45-degree angles. {holds up both pieces of wood} You put those together exactly right. {turns one piece of wood around} Put that one over there.

{Red sets up the angled wood, but the angle is way off from 90 degrees, although he doesn't know this yet.}

RED GREEN: And then, what you're gonna find here, once it all goes together exactly right, is you've got a perfect 90-degree angle. {looks at wood now, noticing the angle is off} Yeah. Um... {tosses wood pieces aside and walks back over to table saw} What we gotta... We haven't got the angle set just... {tries aggressively to angle table saw, but again, it remains stubborn; table saw jumps around} Go get 'er! {still tries to angle blade} By golly, she's sensitive!

{Wipe to a later scene. The table saw has been turned on once again. Once again, Red is trying to saw a piece of wood in half, with an angled cut. This piece of wood, however, is much smaller. When Red finishes cutting through this wood (this time not bothering to turn off the saw), he holds up the two angled ends and notices that the wood is still not angled properly.}


{All this time, Red has still been tipping the table saw forward and propping up wood pieces underneath. Suddenly, the table saw falls forward onto the floor with a crash. Red recoils from the shock, as the table saw, still running, runs along the floor and out of the room.}

RED GREEN: {no longer shouting} And they're portable! Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {looks off-screen and calls out} Hey, Buster! I'm done with your table saw! {pointing} Here it comes back to ya! {smiles}

Commercial bumper[]

{Red holds up a huge crystal radio. Harold runs over and reaches his hand out to touch it, but Red snatches it away and Harold hastily pulls back his hand.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we got lots more of it.


RED GREEN: Need to talk to you ladies to help you understand why we men do some of the things we do. For example, not stopping for directions when we're lost. Okay, primarily, it's a pride thing: we're out there in our own vehicles, burnin' gas, got the sunglasses on, lookin' good, you know? People see us going by would never guess that we have no idea where we are. And we're not real excited about sharing that information. {nods} A man does not embrace the concept of going up to total strangers and saying, "You may not know this, but I'm a moron." Whereas the woman that he's with is only too happy to share that information. I think it helps to ease her burden a little. See, to a woman, getting lost when you're on a trip is just a blameless act of nature. But to a man, it's a sign of personal failure. He knew where he was when he left; he doesn't know where he is now. All right, somewhere along the way, he crossed the line between the world he knows and the world he doesn't know. That's exactly the way he feels about when he got married {pauses} and when he had kids. So if he admits he's lost in his car, he's gonna have to admit he's lost in those other areas as well. {nods again, shakes head} That's way too much to ask. So just sit there, bite your tongue, circle the block a coupla times. Men aren't lost, they just take the long way. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3[]

{Red walks into the lodge, holding a very long telescope. Harold, meanwhile, has a solder over the workings of something electronic.}

RED GREEN: Harold, I think you're gonna win first prize at the school science fair.

HAROLD GREEN: {not looking at Red} Uh, thanks, Uncle Red. I just got a little more. I'm gonna hook this to the thing...

RED GREEN: {holding up telescope} Yeah, you can't lose with this one, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly looking over shoulder at telescope} Where'd you get that, from an elephant's proctologist?

RED GREEN: {slightly puzzled; looks at telescope} No, Harold. I made this. This is your telescope. {Harold stares} You know, I helped you a little bit with it. Like, I did the building part of it. But it was your idea. Well, it was Galileo's idea, but he's dead.

HAROLD GREEN: {insistingly} No, no, sorry, Uncle Red, you can't help me on this! It's against science fair rules! Besides, I wanna win.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold! Come on, you'll win. {points at mirror on side} Look! Take a look! Take a look in that far side mirror. {Harold leans in close to mirror} See? That's out of a Ford Galaxy. {points to reflective at end of telescope} That one down there's out a Comet. See the one inside? That's out of a Saturn, eh? Very spacey. {Harold looks at mirror} What do you see, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Wha! Okay, tha– that's amazing!


HAROLD GREEN: {examining mirror again} What's it say there? {reading something on mirror} "Caution: Universes may seem closer than they appear." What? {looks back up abruptly; annoyed} No! {Red shrugs} No, you can't help me! I'm doing this by myself! {walks back over to electronic model}

RED GREEN: {following Harold} Aw, come on, Harold! My dad helped me with homework.

HAROLD GREEN: {holding solder} Well, that's because you guys were in the same grade! {stoops back down beside project} I'm just gonna– I'm not even doing, like, a telescope anymore. I'm doing a crystal radio set. I just got a little more soldering to do.

{Harold turns on the solder and puts it down next to his radio set. Suddenly, it slips and his finger catches on the tip. It burns his finger and he freaks out in pain. He stumbles around, clutching at his hand in pain.}

RED GREEN: {pointing} See? See? See? {walks over to radio set} I'll get it. I'll get it.

HAROLD GREEN: {sarcastically} Yeah!

{Red touches the solder, but it burns his hand, too.}



{Red now stumbles around. He and Harold both speak towards each other indistinctly. Harold gestures toward the radio set.}

HAROLD GREEN: You see! You did it!

{Harold shakes his hand. Red blows on his hand.}

Red's Campfire Song[]

{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}


Oh, if you see a big fat dog
Waddling down the road,
Don't you be too critical
Of his extra-wide load.
If you've ever tasted dog food,
You gotta tip your hat
To an animal who could actually overeat
On a diet of crap like that.

Men Anonymous[]

{Dalton stands up at the podium at the head of the Men Anonymous meeting. Harold stands by his right side and Red sits in a chair next to Harold.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: My name is, uh, Dalton Humphrey.

{Harold turns toward the audience and makes gestures toward them.}

EVERYONE: {responding to Harold's motions} Hi, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Uh, it's been two weeks since I last acted like a guy. Uh, this week, uh... {leans head down, then looks up again, smiling} This week, I did something I'm pretty proud of. As a first for me, I did laundry.

HAROLD GREEN: {impressed} Whoa! {everyone applauds}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Washing, drying, the whole nine yards! You know what I realized? Is– Is that– It w– It was– {points to his head} The problem was in my head, you know? It was– It was– It was my attitude. You know, if you... If you change your attitude, you know, you can change the whole world.

{Harold points to Dalton, who points back.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: So– Exa– So, you know, I didn't– I didn't think about it like as if it was washing clothes. I thought about it like it was restoring clothes. See, refinishing a shirt. Renovating a pair of pants. And see, it wasn't a chore. This was a project.


DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, and– and– and I– I– I didn't even call it a washer and a dryer, you know, because these were my– my tools! These were my power tools! My big power tools! So I called them a dirt stripper! And a heat turbine! Stand back, kids, Dad's using the heat turbine! {laughs} You know what? There is no rule that says a washer and a dryer have to be white. Why don't they make them black or brown, you know, like a radial arm saw or a jointer, for heaven sakes? You know what the upside of all this is? My wife was thrilled. Two loads of laundry! She's– She's happy, she's– she was friendly!


DALTON HUMPHREY: That's right, and I'm gonna surprise her. I'm surprising her right now, by washing all of her woolen sweaters. I can't wait to see the look on her face when I pull those babies outta the dryer! {laughs} It'll be something!

{Everyone applauds, Harold doing so nervously.}

Adventures With Bill[]

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Bill has got a hold of the two hanging Olympic rings, but he lets go of them to wave to the camera. Next to him is a bag of flour. Red stands beside. Well, here we are, back with Adventures With Bill. Got the warmup a little later and he's ready to go there..
Bill bends down, picks up the bag of flour and gives it to Red, who holds it out. Bill digs both hands into the bag of flour and pulls out two handfuls of flour. He then slaps his hands together, spilling out all the flour all over himself. He coughs. Some of it gets on Red, too, who looks away and stoops down. Got the chalk. Well, it's not chalk, really, it's just flour, and... You don't need a lot of that, Bill. You don't need a lot. For instance, you don't need that much.
Later, Bill is standing wobbly on top of an oil drum under the rings. Red is trying to hold the drum steady, while Bill tries to hold on Red's shoulder for support. Bill then slowly reaches his hands up to the Olympic rings and takes a hold of them. Once Bill has the rings, Red removes the drum under Bill's feet. Now Bill is holding onto the rings in midair, flailing around and kicking his feet as he struggles to stay up. Anyway, I'm not gonna try and boost him up again. He's gonna go up there on the oil drum and pull himself up into the... This is gonna take a lot of... lot of strength.
Slowly, Bill pushes down hard on the rings and lifts himself up into the air. His arms shake as he tries to stay up there in the air. He looks over his shoulder to the camera with a smile on his face. Wow! Boy, oh, boy, I'm impressed with that! You know, sometimes I think... Yeah, he is, too, by the look of it. I mean, Bill's an idiot, but he can do anything.
Suddenly, Bill, still holding onto the rings in midair, flips upside-down. Again, Bill uses the rings to slowly strain himself aloft. Then I realize I'm wrong, he's just an idiot. Well, there he is, upside-down. What? Look! Look at the power there, folks! There's something, huh? You don't see that every day in the week, and I think it's a good thing, especially around mealtime.
Bill drops back down again and then pulls himself back up again. He does this a few more times. Each time, the ropes holding the rings creak as he strains himself. He then twists his body, first to the right, then to the left. Red looks on wryly. All right, and back down he goes. Oh my gosh! Look at those noises! I don't think Bill's back is used... Kind of an Egyptian, kind of an upside-down... Oh, boy, this is... I'm getting a display here, and so are you, and...
Bill, still hanging upside-down, suddenly removes his right hand free from one of the rings and puts it back on there. A drumroll is heard in the background while this is happening. After a pause, Bill then removes his left hand from the other ring. His right arm shaking and straining to maintain a grip on the other ring, he then removes his right hand from the ring. Now, suspended in midair, upside-down, Bill proudly crosses his arms together. Suddenly, he falls down on the ground. What? What now, Bill? What, what? Oh my gosh! Let's hear it for the boy! What, the other arm? Oh my gosh, he's ambi-ring-strous! Well, by golly! It's gotta be hard in the arm, isn't it, Bill? Gotta be hard on the arm! Uh-oh! And now Bill learns about gravity.
Red walks up to Bill, looking down at him. Bill slowly gets back up to his feet. His head is buried partially in his white shirt. Oh! My gosh! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Lord of the Rings!

Commercial bumper: Fan contributions[]

{A sign is displayed. Some letters that together spell "R-E-D (colored red) G-R-E-E-N (colored green)" is being pulled by strings into the sign.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a Red Green sign, sent to us by a viewer. We're not the only crazy ones.

Plot Segment 4[]

{Harold is filling one glass full of some kind of brownish liquid from another glass full of another, lighter brownish liquid. Red walks into the lodge, holding a completed crystal radio set, which is quite huge.}

RED GREEN: Good news, Harold! {Harold looks at Red} This crystal radio's gonna win you first prize at the science fair. Congratulations and good work.

HAROLD GREEN: {incredulously} Good work?!


HAROLD GREEN: You built the whole thing!

{Harold reaches his hand out to touch the crystal radio, but Red snatches it away.}

RED GREEN: Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't!

HAROLD GREEN: {hastily pulling back hand} What?

RED GREEN: Don't touch it!

HAROLD GREEN: {his hand reaching for it again, then pulling away again} I won't.

RED GREEN: You don't know how it works, okay? Just leave it alone! {Harold tries to look casual} Leave it alone! Get to the school. I'll explain everything about it, okay? There's a good boy. {smiles}

HAROLD GREEN: {frustrated} I cannot enter something in the science fair that you built! Or have you not been listening the first nine times I said that to ya? I'm gonna do my own project. {walks over to the two glasses on a table and picks them up; giggles} It's about sex! {giggles again as he resumes pouring from glass to glass}

RED GREEN: {uneasily} Oh, Harold? Harold? {shakes head} Sex? I can't help you there. You're on your own. 'Course, you're used to that, aren't ya?

HAROLD GREEN: {putting some drops from one glass into the other} I'm gonna do a frank and explicit look at the germination of soy beans. {examines glass; insistingly} Without the meddling of an adult.

RED GREEN: Okay, Harold, but you should know that Buster Hadfield is helping his son making an atom-smashing nuclear accelerator cyclotron out of an old TV set and a weed whacker.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking nervous, then insisting again} Well, I don't care, I don't care! I'm gonna do things my way!

RED GREEN: {turning to leave the lodge, holding the radio set} Well, fine. I'm gonna enter this crystal radio in the science fair myself.

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! Okay, but Uncle Red, the science fair is only open to high school students.

RED GREEN: I never graduated. {leaves}

The Experts[]

HAROLD GREEN: It's now time to feature those three little words that men find so hard to say... {turns to audience}


{Harold is revealed to be seated at a table with Red and Hap Shaughnessy.}

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Okay! Now, to join my Uncle Red on the Experts portion of the program, is his best friend in the whole wide room, {points to Hap} Mr. Hap Shaughnessy!

{The audience applauds. Red waves and Harold applauds.}

HAROLD GREEN: {takes out and reads letter} "Dear Experts, is it true that basketball was invented by a Canadian?"

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah. That's definitely true. Basketball was invented by a Canadian, but {holds up index finger} he was living in the United States at the time.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {looks up} Oh, yeah. {nodding} Yeah, I was in the States. {Red and Harold stare at him} But I didn't give up my Canadian citizenship. No, I was down there doing some hush-hush work for the C.I.A. That was known then as Teddy's Rough Riders. {Red and Harold look at each other} They wanted me to come up with some sort of cover story as to what I did for a living, and I said "sports inventor". {Red and Harold continue to stare; Red nods slightly} And to make, uh, to make– to make the cover a bit more, uh, convincing, of course, wouldn't you know...

RED GREEN: {softly} Yeah...

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I had to invent a sport. {somewhat ashamed} I sure didn't expect that darn game to catch on.

RED GREEN: Uh, Hap, you don't expect us to believe that, do you?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {suddenly smiling} Well...


{Suddenly, Hap starts laughing. Red and Harold join in. Hap slaps his hand on the table.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {laughing and pointing at Red} You got me there, Red!

RED GREEN: {laughing} Yeah.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {trying to regain control of himself} No, no, no, that wasn't true. No, I sure– I sure did expect that darn game to catch on. {Red and Harold stare at him again}

HAROLD GREEN: Mr. Shaughnessy, out of all the history books I've ever read, all of them, they say the Canadian was Mr. James Naesmith.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: James Naesmith. {nodding} Yeah, that was my C.I.A. cover name.

RED GREEN: Funny you never mentioned that, Hap. You know, it's not like you to hold back.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, I know, Red, but all my spy work was top secret, you know. The only reason I can mention this now is because Franco is dead. And, uh... And– And Spain is no longer a threat to world peace.

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} I'm finding this very hard to believe.

RED GREEN: That's because you're listening.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {insistingly} I'm telling ya, I invented basketball!

HAROLD GREEN: {holding up his arms} Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! {puts arms down} Hoop Dreams.

RED GREEN: {holds up left hand} No, no, no, maybe– maybe Hap's right. Remember that time he was up on the drunk and disorderly? Huh? Dribbling all over the court?

{Red and Harold both laugh. Hap looks away.}

Plot Segment 5[]

{The front door of the lodge opens. Smoke billows in through the door as Red and Harold enter, walking unevenly. They both look very blackened and burned with their clothes tattered. Harold's hair is all messy. Actually, only the left sides of them are like this; their right sides are both intact. They both walk up close to the camera as the audience applauds.}

RED GREEN: Science fair was, uh... was fun! {turns to Harold} Uh, whose project, uh, exploded there, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at Red; loudly} I can't hear you over the ringing!

RED GREEN: I'm saying, whose project exploded?

HAROLD GREEN: You mean the first time?

RED GREEN: {nodding} Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: The one beside us.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah. {both he and Harold shake their left hands} This side! Yeah. {shakes head} By golly. Sorry you didn't win, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: That's okay. I escaped with my life. That's the main thing.

RED GREEN: Yeah. Who won the first prize anyway?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, Stinky Peterson has the trophy.

RED GREEN: {nodding} Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Doctors say they can get that removed, though. {Red nods again} The actual winner– The actual winner was Andrea McClintock. The judges said her entry on fire extinguishers was rather timely!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah. But– But Harold, I– I heard your project made it to the finals over in Port Asbestos.

HAROLD GREEN: No. That's just where most of the pieces landed.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: {looking around} I don't know if I can hear it, but it's gotta be time for the lodge meeting.

RED GREEN: {looking behind him} Harold, I think it's probably time for the lodge meeting. {Harold stares at him} Why don't you go ahead?


RED GREEN: {holding up arms} Um, maybe just some fries. {gestures toward basement behind them} Why don't you go to the lodge meeting?

HAROLD GREEN: {gesturing towards basement behind him} I'm just gonna go to the lodge meeting!

RED GREEN: Oh, I couldn't care less where you go.

{Harold walks unevenly towards the basement, but stops by the stuffed bear near the door.}

RED GREEN: Lodge meeting.

HAROLD GREEN: {stooping down next to bear and yelling at it} LODGE MEETING! {audience laughs} Oh, Uncle Red! {walks down into basement}

RED GREEN: {to camera} Well, if my wife is watching, I learned today that there are some things that a man should not know. I'm hoping you're not one of them. I'll be coming straight home after the meeting as soon as the smoldering goes down in my pants. {to audience} And to the rest of ya, on behalf of myself and... {gestures behind him} I guess he's gone to the lodge meeting... Harold, thanks for watching and until next time, keep your stick on the ice. {waves, then walks toward basement, stopping by stuffed bear and stooping down} Lodge meeting! Lodge meeting!

{Red continues to walk toward the basement door. Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Harold, now cleaned up and clothes intact, is already standing up at the front of the meeting. Everyone is scrambling around, trying to get to their sears as Red, also cleaned up, makes his way down the stairs and toward the front of the room.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. Okay, sit down! Sit down! Sit down, sit down, sit down! {everyone sits down as Red takes his place at the front of the meeting beside Harold} Okay, all rise!

{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests. Cut to the show information, showing the phone number and website URL of}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} To join Possum Lodge or to get yourself some Possum Lodge merchandise, call 1-800-YPOSSUM. Or if you're a techno-geek, check out Harold's home page on the Internet.