The Red Green Wiki

The complete transcript for The Petting Zoo


HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"The Petting Zoo" appears} And now, here's the man who put the "down" in "down-home" and "town" in "downtown", your hero, my uncle, Red Green! {giggles}

{Red enter the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you. {Harold howls} By golly, thank you very much. Lot of excitement up at the Lodge this week. Junior Singleton found a nest of raccoons under his porch. Stinky Peterson's got a bunch of skunks up in his attic. Been there two or three years, probably. And it looks like Old Man Sedgewick's got a mess of weasels in his bed.

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, weasels in his bed?

RED GREEN: No, but it looks like it. I'm thinking two words: {holds up two fingers} "laundry day", there. Now, you know, to a lot of people, animal infestation is a problem. But to Lodge members, it's an opportunity. {grins}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs; reproachful tone} Yeah, yeah, an opportunity to go hunting out of season!

RED GREEN: {cockily} No, Harold. Does the term "petting zoo" ring a bell?

HAROLD GREEN: {somewhat anxiously} No, but it does sound an alarm.

Title sequence[]

{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red, Harold and Hap all sitting around a table. Hap has his feet on the table. Harold tries to show Red and Hap a letter.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} What you're looking at here is a bunch of segments from this particular show.

{Cut to a shot of Red sticking his head up through an aquarium, glued to the top of a van for a skylight.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} The main message being, "For gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel."

{Cut to a shot of the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress; Buzz is the contestant, and the word is "Breakfast".}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell ya something, if you're gonna try and make sense outta this program...

{Cut to a shot of a car in the Lodge driving up close to the camera. Dalton is driving the car. Red is seated beside him and Harold is in the back.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} gotta give it your undivided attention.

Plot Segment 2[]

{Red enters the Lodge, holding a hammer, while Harold tunes his switcher.}

RED GREEN: Well, in about twenty minutes, the Possum Lodge petting zoo will be open for petting. The guys are putting the finishing touches on the animal pen. Buster Hadfield found a bunch of fence just standing in the middle of a field. It's amazing what people leave lying around their property. {grins}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, Uncle Red, y'know, maybe it's just me, maybe it's just me, y'know, but I don't think that raccoons, weasels and skunks are the best choice for a petting zoo. What if somebody gets bitten or sprayed?

RED GREEN: Doesn't matter, Harold, they pay in advance.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay! Okay, well, you remember, when the first accident happens and you get your first lawsuit, you remember it was me who said, "Accidents happen."

RED GREEN: I bet your parents taught you that one, didn't they, Harold? Nobody warned them, did they, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Well, I'll have you know my parents are very fond of me.

RED GREEN: Well, I'm sure they are, Harold, and that's exactly the human instinct we're tapping into with our petting zoo.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, nobody gets to pet me.

RED GREEN: Well, you just haven't met the right woman, Harold. {Harold laughs} Or the right species. {Harold stops laughing and looks shocked}

Adventures With Bill Teaser[]

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Red drives the Possum Van over to a wooded area out beyond the Lodge. He stops the van and gets out. He looks around. Well, now, later on in the show, on the Adventures With Bill deal, we're gonna be doing some bungee jumping, but that's just a little bit of a preview here. I had driven up here. He told me to meet him here at the cliff...
Red sees Bill standing on top of a cliff several feet away from him. He waves for Bill to come over. Bill, in turn, waves for Red to come over. Red shakes his head and finally heads for the cliff. ...'cause, uh, that, uh... Oh, he'd already... No, Bill, come on down, come on. No, no, I don't– I don't wanna– No, I don't wanna– Bill, I don't wanna come. I don't– No, you come, you come, you come, you come, you come, you come. Alright, you know, if the mountain won't come to...
Cut to a later scene. Red struggles up to the top of the cliff. Once at the top, he struggles to his feet, feeling winded. He then looks around, trying to find Bill. But he is nowhere to be found. Red starts to walk away from the edge of the cliff, still looking around. He finally looks down at the edge of the cliff. He then puts his hands on his hips in annoyance. Well, you know. So I got up there. This is later that week. And, uh, I'm looking... Where the heck's Bill now? Bill? Bill? Probably had a nap. Probably went for a– Probably laying down behind a tree there, y'know? {chuckles} What? What?
Bill is standing at the bottom of the cliff by the Possum Van. He waves for Red to come down. Red responds by waving for Bill to come up to the top of the cliff where he is. Bill starts for the cliff. Oh, for gosh sakes! He went– He went– See– You know, communication is such a big deal– big deal– It's a– It's a– It's a– It's a– It's a– It's a–
Later, Bill is struggling over the edge of the cliff to the very top where Red is. Red grabs his arm and pulls him up the rest of the way. Bill gets to his feet and waves to the camera. He then feels a lump in his clothes. He digs out the source of the lump: a rock. Bill tosses the rock off the cliff. It falls down and hits the Possum Van below, knocking one of its rear-view mirrors off. Red and Bill cringe. Red looks at the camera with a look of annoyance while Bill just shrugs. So Bill got up there. And, uh, he got all set to go back up, and then he... He notices something, an extra lump in his– in his clothes, which is unusual for a man of his age. And, uh... That's a rock, Bill, that's a rock. I tell you not to look down.

Red's Campfire Song[]

{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}


Oh, hats off to my science teachers.
They were absolutely right, after all,
'Cause I just threw a fridge off my roof,
And cold air definitely falls.

The Possum Lodge Word Game[]

HAROLD GREEN: Today's grand prize is supplied by the Longshot family restaurant: potatoes, vegetables and a leg of fish! {walks over to the card table where Red and Buzz sit} Remember, if it's a good meal, it's a long shot! Okay. Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Buzz Sherwood to say this word... {looking at Buzz} Buzz? {Buzz puts on a pair of headphones} Okie-dokie. The word is... {holds up word sign} "Breakfast". {sets sign down on table, steps back} And go!

RED GREEN: Alright, Buzz. {Buzz removes his headphones} Okay, the first meal of the day is...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: ...lunch!

RED GREEN: No, y'know, I'm talking about, like, when you get up in the morning, y'know–

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Uh, I don't get up in the morning.

RED GREEN: Alright, well, when you get up, y'know, the first thing you eat is...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: ...chip 'n' dip!

RED GREEN: I'm talking bacon and eggs!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Folk singers!

RED GREEN: Folk singers?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yeah, I was in a duet with a girl. We called ourselves "Bacon and Eggs". I was Bacon and she was Eggs. {leans in close} Over easy! {laughs; Red shakes his head}

HAROLD GREEN: Time's almost up, time's almost up!

RED GREEN: Alright, alright, alright, Buzz, on your birthday, your girlfriend brings you something in bed.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {leans in close, surprised} You want me to say that?

RED GREEN: No, no! No, no, okay, alright, alright, alright. Um... {snaps his fingers repeatedly} Um... Um... Think movies! "Something At Tiffany's"...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Drug bust! Yeah, it was a grade-ten graduation, right? We had this great party; we went all night long, and then we said, "Hey, let's sit down and have some breakfast." Then the cops came in–

{Red rings the bell rapidly to end the game.}



Handyman Corner[]

{Red walks along outside the Lodge, past a white van with the "Handyman Corner" sign hanging from it.}

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you how to put a skylight in your van. It's gonna beautify the thing, it's gonna increase the value, and make it a lot more fun to drive. {walks up to a worktable covered in various tools} Heck, it's such a great idea, I'm almost tempted to try it on my own van. But who am I kidding? Let's get the bugs out first by doing it on Buster Hadfield's van. {looks at worktable} Okay, you're gonna need a variety of tools here and a pane... {sees a few shattered pieces of pane glass on the table; disappointed} ...of glass. {walks off} Need another pane, Harold!

{Wipe to a later scene. Red is back at the table. He holds up a long power saw. A big window pane lies on the table.}

RED GREEN: Okay, we got our tools and we got our glass. Let's get to work.

{Red takes the power saw and starts to walk off, but its cord catches on the glass and knocks it on the ground. It shatters. Frustrated, Red puts the tool back on the table and walks off.}

RED GREEN: Need another pane, Harold.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red holds up a storm window.}

RED GREEN: Alright, got myself a storm window here. This'll do just fine. What we gotta do is get the putty outta there to get the– {suddenly, two hands reach into frame and pull the window away} Aw, c'mon, Junior! Winter's five months away! {wipes his hands together} Alright, well, we won't worry about the glass right now. We'll punch a hole for our skylight.

{Red walks off. Wipe to a later scene. Red is now on top of the white van, in the vicinity of the driver's seat area. He has the saw with him.}

RED GREEN: Alright, I would put the skylight right here over the driver's seat, and of course, before we can use the saw, we're gonna need a pilot hole. {takes a Black Magic Marker and makes a mark on the roof} I would... say put 'er right about there.

{Red puts the marker down and then stands up on the roof. He picks up a pickax, also on the roof with him, and swings down on the mark on the roof. But he misses the mark and instead punctures another part of the roof with the pick. He removes the pick from the roof.}

RED GREEN: {looking at newly-made hole} Or there.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red is cutting a hole in the roof of the van for the skylight with the saw he has with him. He stops sawing and looks up.}

RED GREEN: Just double-checking to make sure I'm working on the right van. {looks behind him; sees Possum Van several feet away} Yep, it's not mine.

{Red resumes sawing. Wipe to a later scene. The hole has been completely cut out. Red now has a caulking gun and uses it to run some caulk around the hole.}

RED GREEN: Alright, there's the hole for our skylight. I'm just laying in a bead of caulking there. You don't want rain dripping down the back of your neck.

{Red stops laying on the caulk and looks down into the hole, still holding the caulking gun. A few drops of caulk drip off the gun and onto the driver's seat below.}

RED GREEN: 'Course, guess it won't bother you so much if you first had caulking dripping down the back of your neck. Alright, let's get the glass!

{Red moves over to the edge of the van roof with his legs dangling over the end.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, the difference between a handyman and a hobbyist is the – {pushes himself off edge and falls} Whoa! {lands on the ground} – the ability to take someone's hobby and turn it into something handy. {walks over to worktable, which now has an empty aquarium on it} The handy thing is a van skylight. The hobby thing is an aquarium. So find yourself an empty aquarium. Or empty yourself a found aquarium.

{Red picks up the aquarium. Wipe to a later scene. Red is back on the van roof, with the aquarium. He places it on top of the hole with the caulking around it.}

RED GREEN: And you know these aquariums come in a bunch of different sizes, so if you got a real fat head, you might want to step up to a 45 gallon.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red falls off the van again and gets up.}

RED GREEN: And there you have it! Sure, the inside of the van might smell a little fishy, but... it just goes with the upholstery. {climbs into van's driver seat} And the beauty of having a unit like this is, y'know, if you... {stands up in seat so his head is inside aquarium skylight} if you get lost or something, you can just pop right up here and you can look around, or... when you go to the drive-in, you're gonna be up above everybody else. Balcony seating! {gets back down and walks through van} And you know how you always have the kids in the back saying, "Geeze, are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

{Red makes his way to the back seat of the van, where a second aquarium skylight is duct-taped to the side. Red sticks his head through it.}

RED GREEN: Well, heck, why not put in a skylight for him, too? Then he can see for himself if he's there yet.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red climbs into the van.}

RED GREEN: Can't wait to show this to Buster! {laughs; closes door and starts motor} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

{Red puts the van into reverse. The van backs up. But the Possum Van is now positioned directly next to the van, way too closely. As the van passes by the Possum Van backwards, the side skylight gets smashed by it. Red stops the van suddenly and looks at his own van, then at the camera with a wry look on his face.}

Commercial bumper[]

{Bill is cracking several eggs, which contain pantyhose, and dumping them out on a frying pan held by Red.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we got a lot more of it.

Red's Teen Talk[]

{Red is dressed in a yellow rain slicker and feels around a pile of junk outside the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: {peeking through junk} You know, I want to talk to you kids about something I was thinking about the other day. You know how you're always gettin' your parents to get you this or get you that or buy ya something, pay for a broken window, put up bail, that kind of thing? {walks around to side of pile} You know, that money that you're getting them to spend is not really theirs. It's yours. Or at least it will be one day. It's a little word, it's called inheritance. {grabs a dryer hose} You know that word? That means that someday, when your parents are gone, you're gonna get everything they got: the house, the car, the money. {pulls down hose; wipes hands together} Now, here's the way it works. There's another little phrase. It's called "compounded annually", see? And the way that works is, the bank actually pays your parents not to spend their money. So think about that one. Huh? That way, the money can just sit there and kinda grow and build and everything. How old are your parents? I'm guessing they're old, eh? Forty-five, fifty? See, that's old. {walks away from junk pile} So what I'm suggesting is, you kinda pick up the slack now, pay for some things yourself, and let that thing grow and grow and grow, and then, when your parents are gone, you're gonna be up to your neck in cash. {starts walking off, passing by a shed} And then next time, maybe I'll talk to you about a magic piece of paper that explains why you should be nice to your parents. It's called a will.

Plot Segment 3[]

{Harold tunes his switcher as Red enters the Lodge, his right hand completely wrapped in heavy bandages. He walks unevenly, panting as he walks.}

HAROLD GREEN: {amused} So, Uncle Red, how's the petting zoo going?

RED GREEN: Good, fine. We learned a lot.

HAROLD GREEN: What sort of things, for example? Because you're never too old to learn, obviously. {Red stares} And what was today's lesson in the twilight years of your productive era?

RED GREEN: {turns back to camera} Alright, well, first of all, let's recognize how difficult it is to be an entrepreneur when you've got things to deal with like an informed consumer, a truckload of regulations, and wild animals with attitude.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red} Uncle Red, y'know, really, you should have that hand looked at, 'cause wild animal bites, they can lead to all sorts of complications.

RED GREEN: {looks at his bandaged hand} No, it's not a bite, Harold, I slammed it into the van. I was being chased by one of the animals.

HAROLD GREEN: I saw that, I did! It was a squirrel, was it not? A little tiny one? {softly} Just a baby?

RED GREEN: It had a lot of spunk, Harold. I was afraid it was gonna grab part of my anatomy and bury it for the winter.

HAROLD GREEN: {shaking his head} I warned you, I warned you, I warned you, but you guys never take me seriously.

RED GREEN: No, we don't, Harold. It's saving your life. {back to camera} Anyway, we had a rethink on this. We let all the animals go since they'd escaped through the hole in the fence. So now we got a whole new strategy: the world's first drive-thru petting zoo.

HAROLD GREEN: {stammering} Dri– Drive– Drive-thru?

RED GREEN: Absolutely. We set up a row of mailboxes, got a dog in each one... {Harold nods} You drive up, you flip the lid up, you rub it... {makes motions with his left hand of opening a mailbox lid and making a rubbing motion for several seconds, mumbling as he does so} Just like that.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh. And– And you– And you believe this is gonna be a huge success?

RED GREEN: Well, it'll give the mailman an interesting day!

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! {plays his switcher to trigger the next scene}

Auto Biography[]

{A car is seen driving through a garage in the Lodge, with Dalton in the driver's seat, Red seated beside him and Harold seated in the back seat. Dalton drives up close to the camera, turning the steering wheel several times. Red ducks down as it drives up real close, pulling his hat over his head. Dalton stops the car, but not before it bumps into the camera. Dalton cringes and Red rubs his nose.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, lord! {wipes brow}

RED GREEN: Alright, uh, we're fine now. {to camera} Welcome to "Auto Biography", where Possum Lodge members get to talk about a very significant automobile in their life. And Dalton Humphrey is here. Dalton's gonna talk about his very first car. {to Dalton} Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah, it was a Chevy 2, Red.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy.

HAROLD GREEN: Excellent.


RED GREEN: Oh, boy.

DALTON HUMPHREY: The– The new blue that Smarties come in.

RED GREEN: Oh, fantastic.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, and boy, that car was loaded. It had the AM radio, the heater, and the spare tire. Whoa-ho, man! Still smell that leatherette dashboard. {Red nods} Yeah, that was before, you know, they had the airbags, Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, sure.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, when you hit something, {suddenly slaps hand against steering wheel} BANG! Your head would hit that dashboard like a melon! Whoa!


DALTON HUMPHREY: {crossing arms} Yeah.


DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. Dad got that car used, you know.

RED GREEN: Oh, he did?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah, and then when he got the new used car, the Strato Chief, he let me have the Chevy 2. Got it at a good price.

RED GREEN: That's excellent.


RED GREEN: Yeah. You know, that's must've charged you too much on that. So, you're an antique dealer. I guess you would say the car was previously enjoyed, then. Is that what you're saying?





DALTON HUMPHREY: No, that, uh, that car was used.

RED GREEN: Oh, I see. {nods}

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, Dad didn't believe in enjoying anything.

RED GREEN: Alright.

DALTON HUMPHREY: He figured, if you enjoyed it, that it would probably have a better chance of getting damaged or worn out and that'd decrease its resale value.

RED GREEN: Oh, I see.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You see? Yeah. Dad would... {suddenly laughs; amused} Dad would sell anything.

RED GREEN: Really?

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know... Oh, it was fun, you know?


DALTON HUMPHREY: We would come home from school and the fridge would be gone. Or the– Or the couch or our clothes or... my toys would be all gone. {laughs}

RED GREEN: Oh, boy, he sold your clothes?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah! Sure!

HAROLD GREEN: He sold your toys?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, well, you know, it was a good way of teaching kids to look after stuff, because, you know, Dad'd sell the shirt off your back.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sure, yeah, you know, and, uh, taught me that things are just things.


DALTON HUMPHREY: If you get too attached to them, by gosh, y'know, you'd be crying your entire childhood, wouldn't ya? {laughs}

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, well, that's a good take you're taking on that.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know what? It taught me not to be materialistic.

RED GREEN: Alright.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Not to get attached to furniture or, y'know, books and family photographs... Things just aren't that important, Red.

RED GREEN: Oh, that's right.

HAROLD GREEN: Absolutely. Life lesson right there.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know what? It's the money you make selling things that's important. {nods}

Adventures With Bill[]

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Bill and Red stand near the edge of the cliff. Bill stands closest to the edge, looking down the cliff, while Red keeps some distance back. Bill then stands up straight and waves to the camera. He then digs into his overalls and pulls out a frying pan. Well, meanwhile, back at the bungee hill, it's time for Adventures With Bill, and, uh, Bill had, uh... well, interesting.
Bill gives the pan to a perplexed Red. Bill then digs into his pants again and pulls out what looks like a big egg. Red holds out the pan while Bill cracks the egg open and drops out onto the pan the contents: a pair of pantyhose. He then tosses the shells aside and pulls out another egg, which he also cracks over the pan. It, too, holds a pair of pantyhose. A lot of people carry fry pans in their coveralls, apparently. It's the gas shortage, I guess. He had one of those eggs that... Oh, I see. Oh, I remember those! Yeah, they had the– they got the...
Red looks perplexed by what is going on. He stares at the pan, which is full of pantyhose. Bill continues to crack more eggs full of pantyhose over the pan and dump them out onto the pan. ...the pantyhose in them. Unusual– Unusual hobbies Bill has. He carries pantyhose in his– inside his coveralls, right next to the fry pan. That's, uh, that's something for you young people to stay away from, I would say, on a regular basis. Anyway, what he lacks in brains, he makes up for in quantity. And he just put a few of those units in there and, uh, they just seem to, y'know, keep on... as I said, keep on... yeah, yeah, they keep on coming.
Bill then digs into his pants again, this time pulling out several more pantyhose and putting them all over the pan. Red, still holding the pan, looks away, disgusted, while Bill tries to pile the pantyhose onto the pan. He then gives a thumbs-up and then pulls out one pantyhose, stretching it out full length. He then takes another hose and ties one of the legs to the first hose. He takes a third hose and ties it to the first two. He then ties another hose to the rest. What you– Oh, boy! He may be into his personal collection at this point. And I guess you're probably getting the idea here. You're saying, "What the heck? I thought they were bungee-jumping." But this is the deal. See, what he's got here... Rather than spending a hundred bucks on a bungee cord, Bill would rather buy a hundred pairs of two-dollar pantyhose. That's the kind of logic– Of course, he's using my money, so he couldn't... There you go, you're gonna tie them all together. One knot. There's a real good test of your knots.
Later, Red holds up the bungee cord made out of pantyhose. Bill walks up holding the cord in a big wad and wadding the pantyhose together. He takes the pantyhose Red has in his hand. Bill gives a thumbs-up. Red holds up one end of the pantyhose and looks and points down the edge of the cliff. Bill gives a thumbs-up to him. That's a wreath knot. We got (?), and, uh... So he's tied to 150 pairs or so, a hundred pairs or something together, and now I got the end in. He wants me to tie up– yeah, tie that around the ankles. See, that's– that's a very important part.
Red takes the pantyhose and gets down on his knees and ties the pantyhose around Bill's ankles. Bill holds up the pantyhose and tugs on it. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera. He then gives the wad of pantyhose to Red and directs him into the woods behind them. Red walks off, leaving the pantyhose tied around Bill's ankles to straighten out. And this is where you really need a decent knot, here, is that... Wrap it around there and, uh... I was a little bit worried, but not nearly as much as I would've been if it had been me going over the edge. And I hope they're– I hope they're rated, about 180 pound test, those units, and, uh, one-size-jumps-all kind of a deal.
Bill turns to face the edge of the cliff and takes small hops toward it. He gets close to the edge, but doesn't realize that the edge is kind of unstable. Bill suddenly wobbles on the edge. He flails his arms around as if trying to regain balance. Then, with a scream, he falls over the edge and starts plummeting. So while I'm going there to tie that thing to a tree, he jumps– he gets– Bill is kinda hyperactive. He's gonna move himself closer to the edge. Be careful there, Bill, it's not completely level. It's– It's not comp– There's– There's kind of a– There's an angle. See that? Yeah, there, that's right. That's my– my fault. How do you do that? All right.
Meanwhile, Red is still holding the wad of pantyhose as he walks through the woods, looking for a tree to tie the pantyhose to. Suddenly, although he doesn't recognize this at first, the pantyhose wad starts to unravel. Red looks perplexed at this and then he realizes what is happening. He grabs the pantyhose and tries to pull it back. But then, he gets dragged across the woods by the pantyhose cord, while Bill continues to plummet down the cliff. Of course, I didn't notice this right off. I thought, well, it's odd that the cord's going out, but I'm not gonna pay that much... All of a sudden, boy, she really started flying out there. And then I grab it, because I gotta stop it. For me, I know what's going on! And boy, he's blowing the forest!
Red continues to be dragged across the forest by the pantyhose cord he is holding while Bill continues to plunge. The pantyhose's path goes between two trees close together, which Red crashes into. The pantyhose cord stops moving. Meanwhile, Bill suddenly springs up in the air. Red pulls away from the tree with relief as the pantyhose rises in the air slightly, but then suddenly falls back down as Bill plunges again. Again, Red is smacked into the trees. Again, the pantyhose cord stops short and Bill bounces back up, tangled in the pantyhose. Suddenly, he falls back down again, smacking Red again into the trees and bouncing Bill back up once again. Oh, my gosh, he's a heavy fellow! Something's gotta stop me! There we go. And then he bounces back up. I get a good break. But of course, what I didn't realize, uh, you know, he kinda goes back down again on that. And, uh, I'm gonna try to be a patient person, but you can– you know, you get...
Red gets frustrated and grabs the cord. He then starts running backward, jerking the pantyhose cord along with him. Bill is dragged up the cliff, upside-down, but then starts bouncing up and down. He flails around. ...tired of a hobby in a– in a big hurry. And, uh, I'm thinking I'll just start pulling him up, y'know, so I start and, uh, a little bit of this. There's a lot of weight on him. You got the leverage and the mechanical advantage on him, well...
Red starts running through the woods, dragging the cord with him. The cord, with Bill tied to it, flies up the cliff, back to the top. He flies over the edge of the cliff and into the woods. Red stands, smiling to the camera and wiping his hands together. Suddenly, Bill flies through the air and hits him on the head, knocking both of them to the ground. And, uh, finally, my anger really kicks in, and boy, I really get one! Up you go! {laughs} That's a reverse bungee! That feels good! Oh!
Red and Bill get to their feet again, the latter tangled in the pantyhose cord. Bill struggles to free himself from the pantyhose while Red walks off, carrying the wad of pantyhose with him. The pantyhose cord stretches as Bill struggles mightily with the cord. Bill is suddenly thrown forward by the cord, past the camera. Oh, it didn't feel good. Well, that, uh, that's pretty much how the end of the day came. Maybe one more jump, eh, Bill? What do you say? One more. C'mon, pal!

Commercial bumper: Fan contributions[]

{A teddy bear dressed like Red Green, complete with beard, is displayed.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Special thanks to a lady in Madison, Wisconsin, who sent us this Red Green teddy bear.

Plot Segment 4[]

{Red enters the Lodge, carrying a burlap sack with strips of duct tape down the side.}

RED GREEN: Well, I'll tell you, that drive-thru petting zoo attracted a huge crowd. We were amazed.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Oh, yeah! Huge crowd! Tell 'em what kind of crowd, Uncle Red! Tell 'em what kind!

RED GREEN: I did, Harold. {back to audience} It was huge. It was a huge crowd. There was hundreds of people, very excited.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, right! {laughs; holds up hand and points to fingers while saying:} There was angry dog owners, angry postal workers... {looks up} let's see... there was the Humane Society, animal rights groups–

RED GREEN: {interrupting; annoyed} All right, Harold! The point is, it proved that we were right: people love animals. So we're gonna give this petting zoo one last shot. We're switching to horses. Farmer Nash has already thrown in his horses. We're gonna let people into the corral where they can kinda... mingle with the herd.

HAROLD GREEN: The herd? Uncle Red, he only has two horses.

RED GREEN: {opening up burlap sack} Yeah, I know that, Harold, but Buster Hadfield got a bunch of horse costumes from the Possum Lake Little Theater group. Remember last summer, they staged "A Horse Called Manny"?

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} Oh, yeah, yeah.

RED GREEN: Yeah, that's good. {digs into sack} So we're all just gonna dress up as horses and kinda fill out the ranks. {pulls out head of horse costume}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Oh, yeah, right! Making foals of yourself again! {laughs; Red stares} I get to be the front half!

RED GREEN: {digging into sack again} No, Harold, stick to what you know.

Red's Poetry[]

{Red sits by a stream on a tree stump as he reads from a piece of paper.}

RED GREEN: A poem by T.S. Eliot and R.S. Green:

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
Because, my friend, life is short,
And how many times do you get the chance to drive a snowmobile through a mall?

The Experts[]

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, it's that time of the show where we examine the three little words that men find so hard to say... {turns to the audience}


{Harold is revealed to be seated at a table with Red and Hap Shaughnessy.}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Excellent! Okay... Oh, this week, joining us on the Expert part of the show is my Uncle Red and, of course, his best friend, Mr. Hap Shaughnessy. {the audience applauds} Alright. {picks up letter} Today's letter goes as follows: "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Hap} Haw! "–My husband is a nice enough guy in his own way. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be in anyone else's way. Now he's just in the way. When I look at my children, I wonder, how much of a person's appearance, personality and destiny is inherited in their genes?" {looks up}


HAROLD GREEN: No, none whatsoever. It's a myth.


HAROLD GREEN: It's a myth, is what it is.

RED GREEN: No, no.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, sure, you can– you can inherit your appearance, but not your destiny. If that can be inherited, why aren't I the king of Russia?

HAROLD GREEN: Absolutely. {shows Hap the letter} I mean, this letter is not written by your wife, is it, Mr. Shaughnessy?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {dismissively} No! You're talking about inheriting my family business as tsar of Russia. C'mon, Red! You've met my mother.

RED GREEN: Yeah, I met her once. She was running a chip wagon in Port Asbestos.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {making a circling motion with his hand} Before that, she was... sole surviving daughter of the Romanov family! Her name was Ann. Ann, short for Anastasia.

HAROLD GREEN: {excited} Oh, oh! We learned this in school! Oh, yeah, yeah! When the Russians came in, y'know, the– the– the Communists, they just took over and they killed the Russian family. The royal family and everything, and they said maybe there's even one daughter still surviving.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: That's right. Tsar Nicholas, or as I used to call him, Grandpa Nick, he hid my mom... in a large Faberge egg. And, uh, a good member– a good member of the family, a good friend of the family, Rasputin, he mailed– he mailed her to France. Eh? And she was brought up in Paris. She even had a short fling with Ernest Hemingway.

HAROLD GREEN: The writer Ernest Hemingway?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {nods} So, pregnant with me, she immigrated to Canada, and she started up a chip wagon in Port Asbestos. {Red looks uncertain} And then she died. She couldn't stand to have Russian dressing on her salad. Brought back too many– too many painful memories.

RED GREEN: Your mother tell you that story, did she, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, every word of it.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, there you are, Harold. Some personality traits are inherited.

Plot Segment 5[]

{Red and Harold enter the Lodge, wearing their pieces of the horse costume, Red the front half and Harold the rear half. But it looks all tattered and ruined.}

RED GREEN: Well, I'll tell ya, this Possum Lodge petting zoo was a real learning experience for us. Uh, we learned, first of all, don't ever start a petting zoo. And secondly, don't ever have guys dressed up as horses in with real horses. Or– Or– Or if you do, make sure they're geldings.

HAROLD GREEN: The horses or the guys?

RED GREEN: Either one, Harold. {removes horse head from his head} By golly, that one chestnut stallion was frisky, wasn't he?

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know why they call this fun fur.

RED GREEN: I thought you liked petting zoos.

HAROLD GREEN: I do, but not heavy petting zoos!

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds. Harold panics.}

HAROLD GREEN: {flailing his arms around} Get out, get away! Get away!

RED GREEN: Harold, Harold, Harold, Harold, Harold! {Harold calms down} It's just the possum squeal. It's time for the meeting.


RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, alright?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. {removes the horse costume wrapped around his neck}

RED GREEN: Join the other Horsemen of the Apocalypse. {Harold turns to leave, wearing the back legs of the horse costume, while Red still wears the front legs, plus a hoof on his right hand} I'll be down in a minute. {to camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and, uh, if I yell out, "Black Beauty!" in my sleep tonight, it's not what you think. {to audience} To the rest of you, thanks for watching, and on behalf of myself and {points behind him} Northern Dancer over there and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, {waves with hoof-covered hand} keep your hoof on the ice. {turns to head for the basement}

{Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Red and Harold stand at the front of the room, no longer wearing the horse costume at all.}

HAROLD GREEN: All rise! All rise!

{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits, except for Red and Harold} Sit down, Harold. {Harold sits down} Now, I was just down at the Possum Lake, uh, movie theater there, and there's a little difference on their admission price. They're going up to three thousand bucks now to see a movie.

{Cut to the show information, showing the phone number and website URL of}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} To join Possum Lodge or to get yourself some Possum Lodge merchandise, call 1-800-YPOSSUM. Or if you're a techno-geek, check out Harold's home page on the Internet.