The full transcript for The Network Deal

Transcript Edit

{Text appears on screen: "Women appreciate creative input. Men appreciate silence." A man is heard snoring, then making a sputtering exhale noise.}


HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"The Network Deal" appears} And now, here's the man who changed the face of television, by giving it a fat lip and a black eye, your host, my uncle, Red Green! {laughs}

{Red enter the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He holds a tape measure, which he pulls in and out.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, appreciate it. Got some really good news this week up at the Lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I am so totally excited, Uncle Red! {giggles}

RED GREEN: Fine, that's fine, Harold. {to audience} Yep, yeah, this week, we're gonna have the very first ever Possum Lodge inflated hip wader contest.

HAROLD GREEN: What? What? No, no, I– I– I'm talking about the fact that, y'know, a big American television is mildly interested in our show!


HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, oh, yes! How true, how true! One of the big three! Yeah, they might pick us up! You could be famous! The network executives think that you're very quirky! {points and waves finger at Red}

RED GREEN: I'm not quirky, Harold. {to audience} Anyway, the bunch of guys are gonna put on their hip waders, pack 'em full of dry ice. And as soon as the CO2 turns to a gas, y'know, they just start to... {mimics the sound of rubber inflation} Out they go. {opens up tape measure to approximate width} And whoever gets the biggest diameter without blowin' 'em up wins! {back to Harold} See? I'm not quirky, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Right. Yeah, right.

Title sequenceEdit

{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red watching Buzz fly his plane by remote control.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Well, on this week's episode, we got a real surprise for ya. You think that's it?

{Cut to a shot of a cluttered workshop with a mattress cut in half in it. Red gets out from under and looks around at the mess.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Well, you're wrong. You think that's it? No, that's not it, either.

{Cut to a shot of the Possum Lodge Word Game about to start; Red is the contestant, and the word is "Sex", to Harold's surprise.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We're getting close, but that's not it, either.

{Cut to a shot of a beautiful woman walking up close to Red.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell you what: I'll give you a great big hint!

Plot Segment 2Edit

RED GREEN: {holding a pair of hip waders} Well, if I'm gonna win the first annual Possum Lodge inflated hip waders contest, I just gotta make sure I don't got any blisters. You don't want a weak spot in there, by golly. She lets go at full pressure, it'll blow you across the lake, I'll tell you that! {laughs} Yeah. Junior Singleton, he put his on, and to test them, he poured in a two-four of light beer, let 'er fizz around in there–

HAROLD GREEN: Excuse me, Uncle Red! Excuse me, it's just that, uh, "two-four" is local slang. You know, if we're gonna get a network deal, y'know, we just have to tailor the show a little bit that way, you know? So can you say, like, "case", instead of "two-four"?

RED GREEN: You told me I wouldn't have to change the show, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, no, no, not change. Never change. Oh, no, no, no. The network execs, they think you're quirky. Keep the quirk, keep the quirk, just, um... just– just tailor it that way. Tailor!

RED GREEN: {back to camera} Alright, alright, okay, so Junior poured a case of beer into his hip waders and it was really cold. It was almost freezing. It was like one or two degrees, you know, and it was really–

HAROLD GREEN: Excuse me, Uncle Red, excuse me, sorry. Is that like Celsius?


HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's just that one or two degrees Celsius might confuse our American viewers, y'know, 'cause they still use Fahrenheit, so can you use Fahrenheit? 'Cause Fahrenheit doesn't change the story, y'know? {pauses to think; looks up} Oh, no, see, it works for me!

RED GREEN: {shaking his head} Wait a second, Harold. It took me twelve years to change over. I'm not gonna change back.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, not change. Never change! No, no, no. Just say, uh, just say, "Fahrenheit". Just say, "Fahrenheit"!

RED GREEN: Lemme tell ya something, Harold, alright? I love the Americans. Like, I'm really happy the Americans are watching our show. But I'm not gonna change my tune now, okay? My tune happens to be "O Canada", okay?

{The audience applauds. Harold looks nervous. He twists his fingers in his hands and finally claps nervously.}

HAROLD GREEN: Yep, that's wonderful, that's fantastic! I just thought I might mention at this point in time and at this particular juncture that, uh, American TV stars get $50,000 an episode.

RED GREEN: ...Alright, well, my new tune is "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy".

Adventures With Bill TeaserEdit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Red stands next to a boxing ring in the middle of a field, wearing boxing gloves. Bill comes up, hopping about excitedly. He is wearing a white bathrobe. Harold follows behind, holding a stool, a bucket, a towel and a pair of boxing gloves. In honor of moving to the networks, we decided to add a little more violence to the show.
Bill, still hopping about, turns around to show the back of the robe, which has a message reading "The No-Tell Motel". So Bill's gonna do some boxing. He's sponsored by the No-Tell Motel. I think he actually took that as a free kind of a sample thing, you see. Anyway, we got ourselves into pretty good shape for the fight.
Red, Harold and Bill then climb up onto the platform. After a bit of struggling, Red and Harold crawl under the ropes into the ring, but Bill has difficulty crawling through the ropes. And, uh, I think we were ready, you know? I mean, not that I really do a lot of boxing, but we worked ourselves into...
Red and Harold stand up in the ring slowly, looking winded. They look around. They see Bill still struggling with the rope. He clings to it and then falls off on the ground, hitting the platform edge on the way down. Red puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head. You know, we had a pretty– pretty– pretty firm, pretty hard body. Okay, we're a little tired at this point. But you get a chance to rest. Where is he? Oh! Oh, boy. Careful there. Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy! All right, all right, all right. We'll be back when Bill learns the ropes, all right?

The Possum Lodge Word GameEdit

{Harold walks up to Red and Dalton Humphrey at the card table, holding the word sign. This time, Red sits in the contestant's seat and Dalton sits in what is traditionally Red's seat.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, this is the big one! The grand prize is for a truckload of stuff we've picked up at the side of the highway. {to Dalton} Mr. Humphrey, you have thirty seconds to get my uncle to say this–

{Harold whips up the sign, which displays the word "Sex". He glances and is suddenly unable to speak, instead freaking out and dancing around uncomfortably. Dalton pulls his head away, looking uneasy. Harold shakes the word as he stammers and continues acting uncomfortable. He points the sign out to Dalton, who coughs. Harold glances at the sign again, setting it down and stroking it like a pet, but still unable to speak. Dalton simply clears his throat several times in an exaggerated manner.}

RED GREEN: {dryly} Sex?

{Harold whoops loudly and slowly walks away from the table while Dalton sarcastically rings the bell on the table a few times.}

Red's Campfire SongEdit

{Red is playing guitar, Harold is clicking two spoons together.}


Oh, there's a guy named Jersey O'Brien,
Whose money was always spent.
He tried to buy whatever he could,
And whatever he couldn't, he'd rent.
The poor old guy went bankrupt so many times,
He was down to his very last cents,
When he got hired on by the government,
As adviser to the Department of Finance.

Handyman CornerEdit

{Red enters another part of the Lodge, carrying a suitcase.}

RED GREEN: You know, if this network deal comes through, I'm probably gonna have to do a lot of traveling: emotional trips, personal appearances, {puts suitcase on work table} avoiding relatives, that kind of thing. I tell ya one thing: I don't wanna be walkin' around carrying about forty suitcases and a lot of weight on them and so on, so I thought I'd take this week at Handyman Corner to show you how the handy traveler packs a suitcase. {opens suitcase and pulls out a bag of toiletries} All right, first of all, you got your bag of toiletries. You know, you got your shampoo and your soap and your mouthwash and your deodorant and your foot powder and so on. Well... {tosses bag aside} you don't need that stuff, all right? You're a traveler, you're on the road. People expect you to smell a bit off.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red has several different pairs of shoes on the table.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, shoes. I mean, shoes are nice, but they're heavy and they take up a lot of space. {pulls out a pair of tin snips and starts cutting one shoe at the sole} So I say get yourself tin snips, just cut the shoe right where the uppers are meetin' the sole. {looks at shoe} I don't know whose shoes these are, but I'm sure they'll thank me.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red has finished cutting all the shoes off.}

RED GREEN: Done! {places a pair of sandals on bench} All right, now all you have to do is just take one pair of sandals with ya, and then everyday, you can wear a different pair of shoes, or at least look like it by just putting the upper half over the sandals. {places the top halves of all the shoes on the sandals} So you got your formal, you got your running shoe, you have your Sunday casual, and probably the most popular, your casual. {picks up shoe soles} What it allows you to do, is to throw all the soles and heels away!

{Red throws the soles aside. Wipe to a later scene. Red carries in various clothing articles and sets them on the table.}

RED GREEN: All right, now you can start packing all your clothes. Your shirts, your pants, your jackets, whatever. And remember, one pair of socks and underwear for every week you're gonna be away. Now, I know hotels have their own towels, but they don't seem to dry as well as they should, so I like to bring my own. Same thing with sheets. I don't wanna be sleeping on something that 8,000 strangers have slept on or whatever. I feel the same way about hotel pillows. I just don't like them as much as my own. Don't know whether it's the smell or the feel. {picks up pillow} Or maybe they're just not as sanitary as they need to be. {puts pillow on table} So I like to bring my own. And I can say the same thing about hotel mattresses; too flat, too smooth. I like to bring my own.

{Red leaves momentarily, then returns, struggling under the weight of a mattress.}

RED GREEN: But you know, Bernice is probably not gonna be coming with me on any of these trips, so actually, I only need half a mattress.

{Red takes a chainsaw and uses it to cut the mattress in half. Wipe to a later scene. The mattress is completely cut in half.}

RED GREEN: Okay, but how do we get the suitcase shut? Technology! {holds up some clamps} A few C-clamps, some other clamps, and a come-on. {puts clamps on bench} We'll get her all closed up. This is gonna take me a little while to horse this baby down, so why don't we get back to the show, and I'll call you when I'm ready.

Commercial bumperEdit

{Red and Buzz are seen together. Red is holding the shell of a model plane, the controls for which Buzz is holding. Buzz laughs maniacally.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned, Buzz is wired, but his plane isn't.

Plot Segment 3Edit

{Harold stands behind a keyboard.}

HAROLD GREEN: {in an exaggerated tone of voice} And now, let's return to the mirth and mayhem of those wa-ha-ha-ha-cky guys up at Possum Lodge {cut to a shaky camera} with my uncle, your host, Red Green! {points to front door}

{Harold plays a tune on the keyboard. Red enters, wearing his hip waders. The shaky camera runs up and zooms in close to him, and he tries to wave it off, looking annoyed while the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Geez, get away, get away, get away! Go on, get out! Go on, go on, beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it! {to Harold} Harold! What the heck is that all about?!

HAROLD GREEN: It's not me, Uncle Red, it's the network! You know, they– If we want an American audience, we gotta keep this thing moving; some pace! You know, neat, eh? Haw!

RED GREEN: I don't care about that stuff, Harold! I wanna– {stops; puts his head on his hand} Oh, you made me forget what I was gonna talk about!

HAROLD GREEN: That's okay, relax. We got cue cards!

RED GREEN: Cue cards? Since when?

HAROLD GREEN: Since now! I mean, you can't just come out here and blab! It's gotta be tightly scripted and network-approved!

{A chair with a cue card on it is pushed in front of Red. Harold motions for it to be pushed closer. Red looks at Harold and shrugs, then looks at the cue card.}

RED GREEN: All right, uh... {reads card} "When the gods are impaling their hog woofers..." {the card is pushed closer; leans in more closely} "While the gays are informing their hip wafers..." {the card is pushed right in Red's face; he bends down to look at it} All right. "While the guys are inflating their hip waders, let's have a little visit from our special guest, George Clooney, star of the network series, E.R., aboard his fishing yacht. Talk about luxury!" {looks up; to Harold, much annoyed} Oh, Harold, I don't wanna do this!


RED GREEN: I got the hip-wading contest going on out there!

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's just, you know, it's the network. You know, they think, you know, that the hip-wading contest isn't what you'd call, um... {pauses to think}


HAROLD GREEN: Entertaining. So...

RED GREEN: Harold, are you kidding me? I got twenty guys out there packing their shorts full of dry ice! If that's not entertainment, I don't know what it is!

HAROLD GREEN: The polite term is quirky.

Visit With Buzz SherwoodEdit

{Red and Buzz Sherwood stand out on the dock. Buzz holds a remote control.}

RED GREEN: Uh, kind of a special feature with, uh, Buzz here this week. Uh, kind of a hobby thing he's got goin'.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: You betcha, Red! Model airplane flying is, like, sweeping the nation! And is it any wonder, right? 'Cause, I mean, even if your license is {sourly} under suspension, {cheerfully again} you can still get out and enjoy the thrill of aviation! {suddenly turns around and looks out at lake} Whoa! Look at that!

RED GREEN: Boy, oh, boy! Now, how far can you get one of these things to go, Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: You know, I don't know. It's in the instructions; I didn't read them. Whoa!

{Red bends down and picks up the shell of a model airplane, which has some papers in them.}

RED GREEN: Uh, whos– whose plane is this?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: That's mine.


BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yeah, but it's a little wussy for me, don't you think? So, like, I ripped the guts out of it and I put it in my plane, Beauty.

RED GREEN: {shocked} You mean you're flying a full-sized plane with radio controls?!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {laughs maniacally} Oh! Here she comes!

{In the distance, they see Buzz's plane flying by. It curves slightly as it goes past them.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Whoa, look at that Beauty!


BUZZ SHERWOOD: Man, look at that turn!

RED GREEN: That's nice.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Isn't that cool?

RED GREEN: Flies better without you in it, Buzz.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: It does, doesn't it? {Red laughs} Man!

RED GREEN: Wow, that is big!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Flyin' straight!


BUZZ SHERWOOD: Watch me say hi. See if I can say hello. Isn't that cool? {laughs maniacally}

RED GREEN: How do you slow her down for landing, Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: You know, I have no idea. I didn't read up on that part. {tucks the remote under his arm and takes the papers out of the } Gimme that a second.

{Buzz tries to look at the papers. Red, meanwhile, suddenly becomes nervous.}

RED GREEN: Oh, oh, Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Um... {reading} Connect...


BUZZ SHERWOOD: {overlapping} light 4, 8...

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Buzz? Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: channel 5... Oh, great, so how's that gonna help me land it?

RED GREEN: {alarmed} Uh, Buzz, you got– you got a problem here!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Not now, Red, I'm trying to figure out how to bring the plane down!

RED GREEN: {ducking down behind Buzz} I don't think you have to worry about that anymore!

{Suddenly, they hear the sound of the plane crashing into something, accompanied by a bright flash. Buzz looks over towards it and cringes.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Ohhh, cool!

Handyman Corner 2Edit

{Red forces closed the clamp-laden suitcase.}

RED GREEN: And put 'er in there! Close 'er up, close 'er up, close 'er up! Got it! And there we are. See? You can take whatever you want as long as you know how to pack it right. {removes the clamps} Now I all I got to do is just get these clamps off of here, and I got so much stuff with me that wherever I go, it'll be just like home. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {waves goodbye} So long!

{Red tries to pick up the suitcase, but it's too heavy. He tries and fails a second time, groaning with the effort. The suitcase begins to creak and stretch, rocking back and forth on the workbench.}

RED GREEN: All right, I may have put in a little too much stuff in there. I may have to re– repack... {looks at the suitcase, panicking} Uh-oh! I think she's gonna blow!

{Red dives under the worktable. The suitcase explodes, sending all of its contents flying all over the workshop. Red stands up under the half-mattress and looks around, dumbfounded.}

RED GREEN: {dryly} Yeah, looks just like home.

Segue: Buzz SherwoodEdit

{Buzz is sitting on a bench next to his plane at the dock, with a box of chocolates on his lap.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: My mama always said, "Buzz, life is like a box of chocolates. SO PIG OUT!!!!!" {laughs maniacally and stuffs chocolates into his mouth, showing it off to the camera}

Plot Segment 4Edit

{Harold stands behind his keyboard wearing a new, fancier suit. Red enters the Lodge, wearing his hip waders.}

RED GREEN: Well, the Possum Lodge inflated hip wader contest has begun, and already, {holds up five fingers} five guys are out of the running.

{Outside, sound of rubber snapping and a man screaming.}

RED GREEN: {holds up six fingers} Six guys. Six guys out of the running. Man. And I'll tell ya, when those hip waders go, the rubber leaves a welt you can light a match on. {chuckles; looks to Harold, shocked} Harold! What is with you?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, what do you mean?

RED GREEN: {looking at Harold's suit} You're dressed funny!

HAROLD GREEN: I'm just trying to look nice for the network.

RED GREEN: That's too bad, Harold, you know, 'cause there's only 40 guys now left in the contest. {another pair of hip waders explodes outside, accompanied by another scream} Thirty-nine. {to camera} You know, it's the hip waders. Some of them are real garbage. There's this one brand–

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Uncle Red, whoa, whoa! Excuse me, don't mention which brand name is the cheapest, please, because you might be offending a potential network sponsor.

RED GREEN: Harold, I don't think that many hip wader companies, y'know, advertise on network television.

HAROLD GREEN: Better safe than sorry.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, the safer we get, the sorrier we sound.

HAROLD GREEN: {anxious} Uncle Red, please, this network deal's a big thing! What about Michael J. Fox? He's a Canadian who made it big in Hollywood. And so is Jason Priestly, and what about Keanu Reeves? {laughs} I could be the next Keanu Reeves!

RED GREEN: Well, what about me?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you, too! You could be, uh... Mary Pickford!

{Harold smiles at his uncle and to the camera.}

Adventures With Bill 2Edit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
On the ring, Harold is trying to force one of Bill's boxing gloves on Bill's hand. Bill jerks his hand up and down as Harold tries to put it on. He then accidentally punches Harold from under the chin. Harold falls down, then gets back up and tightens up the strings on the gloves. Bill shoots his boxing glove up again, punching Harold. Again, Harold falls down. Meanwhile, back at the boxing ring, Harold's helping Bill– Oh, boy! Harold's helping Bill get his gloves on and everything over the big squared circle, you know? Oh, boy!
Red stands on an opposite side of the ring in his gloves. He holds up a harmonica and plays it. Oh, boy, this is taking a little bit of time, but luckily, I brought some way of filling in the, uh, the patient wait there. Very nice.
Harold is trying to put a helmet on Bill's head. He tries to tighten the straps to his chin. He finally tries to force the helmet down Bill's head by punching it. Bill falls down, the helmet falling off. Okay, so getting the helmet on there... Boxing's a– Boxing's a lot safer than it used to be, you know, but still...
Red is lying on the floor of the ring, playing solitaire, several cards already in the various piles. In his boxing-glove-clad hands, he holds a pack of other cards. He puts a six card over a seven card. He then picks up a nine card and places it over a ten card. ...still not totally safe. And, uh... oh, that nine– that red– that nine will go on the, uh... Yeah. Over there, over there, on the ten, on the ten, on the ten, on the ten, on the ten. That's good.
Back to Bill (now with the helmet on good) and Harold, who holds up a mouth guard. He brings it over to Bill, who covers his mouth with his helmet strap to hide it from the guard. He finally opens his mouth and Harold pushes the mouth guard into his mouth, through the strap. Bill has a hold of his teeth in his boxing gloves, which Harold nervously takes, disgusted. Harold holds the teeth and the bucket in his fingers and takes it over to a post in the corner. He places the bucket over it, upside-down, and places Bill's teeth on top of it. They chatter. And now, with the safety thing... They got the mouth guard and everything, so you don't have to worry about your teeth getting damaged or driven down your throat or up into your nose. Oh, boy! All right. Or you don't have to worry about your gums getting badly bruised, I guess, in Bill's case. All right, is that– All right, and Harold, just get the– Eww, eww, yuck! Harold, just get rid of those, 'cause Bill... All right, all right. Nice teeth!
Red, meanwhile, is still playing solitaire. And, but you know, I think of the– Okay, just hang on a minute.
Harold helps Bill off with his bathrobe. But, at the sleeves, Bill's hands are stuck because of the gloves. He dances around as Harold vainly tries to pull off the robe. Bill swings around as Harold hangs on for dear life. Bill finally shakes loose out of Harold's reach and pulls the robe over his own head. He then flails around as Harold tries to grab the robe. Bill bends down to pull off the robe and Harold also bends down to help the robe off, only to just fall on the floor. We'll be ready. You think of the tradition of boxing, you know, there's a lot of dignity to this sport, a lot of tradition and a lot of pomp and circumstance, and you think of the greatest. You know, the Muhammad Alis and the Joe Louises, and, you know, you're just– you're just proud, proud to be a sport of this sport, of this box– so much honor to a great many athletic people and it's just... I don't know...
Red is sitting in the corner of the ring in a chaise lounge, taking a nap. ...if there's something almost spiritual about it. You know, it's– it's boring, you know, at times. But you stay tuned, because the main bout is coming up later!

Commercial bumperEdit

{Red and a beautiful woman stand in the Lodge. A man runs over and buries his head in Red's body, sobbing.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And don't forget, we got a surprise... and obviously, a disappointment.

Plot Segment 5Edit

{Harold, now wearing a yellow shirt, plays the keyboard. Red enters the Lodge, still in his hip waders. They have swelled up significantly and have some bits of duct tape in certain areas. He walks slowly, his hip waders creaking. The audience applauds.}

RED GREEN: Yep, by golly! {Harold stares} Well, as you can see, the Possum Lodge inflated hip wader contest is into the home stretch, and I do mean "stretch". We're down to the final four guys!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, oh, excuse me, Uncle Red! People. Final four people. You know, it's just that the network feels that, y'know, referring to the guys as guys is a little bit – Haw! – sexist.

RED GREEN: Well, they are guys, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, can't you just call them "people"?

RED GREEN: Not with a straight face, no.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know, it's just that we don't want to offend all the women out there; we don't want them to feel excluded, you know. So maybe just not be so sexist.

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, nobody's excluded here. Possum Lodge is open to all races, colors, creeds and sexes. It's just, for some reason, women don't seem to enjoy doing things like inflatin' hip waders, you know? That's just the way it is, and what we get is guys.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, no, see, now, that is sexist!

RED GREEN: No, that is reality.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's just– Okay, network television is not reality... {looks to side door} Is it, Aunt Bernice?

RED GREEN: {confused} What?

{Suddenly, a tall, slim, blond-haired woman walks out from the stairs. She is dressed in a form-fitting outfit that closely resembles Red's normal clothes, but wearing a pair of khaki shorts and with her plaid shirt tied up just above her midriff. She sashays over to Red accompanied by a short drum-and-whistle intro.}

NETWORK BERNICE: Stay tuned to "The Red Green Show" for more great fun.

RED GREEN: Who are you?


RED GREEN: {to Harold} That's my wife's name, Harold. {Harold laughs and nods enthusiastically} She's Bernice?!

NETWORK BERNICE: Yes. I am. {reaches out and gently tugs on Red's beard} And we're gonna have lots of zany adventures, aren't we, dear?

RED GREEN: Well... {shrugs} If you can clear it with my real wife, I'm willing to give it a try! {smiles nervously}

Adventures With Bill 3Edit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
In the middle of the ring, Harold throws down his arm to signal the bout to start. Bill starts waving his arms in front of his face and dancing around. Red simply just holds up his gloved hands in front of him. Bill dances closer to Red, jerking his arms out in front of him. All right, we finally got this boxing match underway, and... I have a little different technique than Bill has, as you can see. He's more into the bob-and-weave and... bob-and-weave and bob-bob-bob-bob-bob-and-weave-weave.
Bill finally gets up close in Red's face. He shoots his left boxing glove-clad hand forward. Red blocks it by simply raising his arm without otherwise moving. The process repeats a few times from one arm to the other. At one point, Bill tries to punch Red with both arms at once. But again, Red blocks the blows. I just kinda... He telegraphs a lot of his punches, Bill, and... Actually, he can mail 'em to ya...
Cut to a later scene. Bill still dances and weaves about. He finally kicks Red between the legs. Red grasps his groin in pain. He makes a T sign with his hands to call a time out. Harold also forms his hands like a T. Red then punches Bill in the head, knocking him out. Red and Harold then make the T sign again. ...if they can get there, they're so slow. What is all this? Bill, what're you doing? Oh! Hey, wait! Hey, hey! Time out! Time out! Time out! Except for you. I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'. All right, all right, relax.
Later, Red puts his boxing gloves on Harold's hands instead. Bill hops up and down nearby. Red grabs Bill's glasses from off of his face. He places the glasses on the teeth (no longer chattering) on top of the bucket in the corner. I figure Harold– Oh, Harold, you'll be fine. Harold'll fight Bill. No glasses, Bill, that's too dangerous. You can't have a guy fighting with glasses. You never hit a guy with glasses, and I want to make sure Bill gets it...
Red returns to the middle of the ring and throws down his arm to start the match. Bill is squinting all the while. Harold timidly swats his arm at Bill, who wanders around the ring, unable to see. Harold hides behind his uncle. So I put them over there. I thought that was safe enough, but... Okay, away you go, boys! Away you go! Oh, Harold, come on! Oh, ya big wuss!
Bill blindly stumbles over to the corner of the ring with the bucket on it, topped by the teeth and glasses. From his blurry perspective, he sees what looks like a grinning Harold and finally delivers an uppercut to the bucket, sending it flying into the air. Oh, Bill's... Uh, Bill– I– What I'm realizing now is that Bill really does have a vision problem. What're you doing over there, Bill? Bill, that's not– Oh, I see. No, no, that's not Harold. That's not Harold! That's not– That's just a pail, for gosh sakes! Oh, my.
Red and Harold watch the bucket flying up while Bill hops around, victorious. Suddenly, the bucket comes flying back down, hits one of the ring ropes and is flung at Bill. The bucket hits Bill on the head, knocking him out. Red raises Harold's arm in victory. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so he's the big winner, huh? You're the big winner, huh? Uh-huh. Ever heard of a knockout before? There's one. Way to go, Harold.

The ExpertsEdit

{Harold, Red and Hap Shaughnessy are sitting in the Lodge around a table. Harold sits in a recliner while Red and Hap sit in a two-person couch.}

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! On this week's Experts portion of the show, we have two experts, one being my Uncle Red and, of course, the other being water taxi captain, Mr. Hap Shaughnessy!

{The audience applauds and Red and Hap wave to them.}

HAROLD GREEN: {taking out letter} This week's letter goes as follows: {reads letter} Uh, ba-dum-bum-bum– "Dear Experts, what is the greatest rock 'n' roll band ever?" Easy, R.E.M. {holds up fist} Ah!

RED GREEN: No, no, no, Harold, I'll tell you, the greatest band ever, Canadian band, The Guess Who.

HAROLD GREEN: I dunno, who?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, personally, I'd have picked The Rolling Stones, but since I was once part of their band... I guess– I guess the Stones shouldn't count.

HAROLD GREEN: What part of the band would you do? Chauffeur them around once or...

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, no, no, I played lead guitar for a few months, when Keith Richards was too ill, you know, with his... {mimics downing liquor from a glass}

HAROLD GREEN: Didn't the age difference get in the way at all, Mr. Shaughnessy?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, they weren't that much older than me. Then afterwards, when Keith would go up to his room, I'd have to take care of all those women who wanted to meet him, the gropies. It was a good job, though; 350 bucks a night. I tell you, I would've paid them twice that much.

{Hap taps Red on the arm. Red looks down to his side.}

RED GREEN: Oh, wait a minute, what have we got here? {pulls out a guitar} Oh, for gosh sakes, guitar! {Harold puts his hands on his cheeks in mock shock; Red hands Hap the guitar} Here you go, Hap. Play us a little Rolling Stones music.

{Harold laughs.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Are you trying to embarrass me in front of my fans, Red?

RED GREEN: No, just trying to get a little satisfaction.

Plot Segment 6Edit

{Red enters the Lodge with Network Bernice holding his arm. His hip waders are now shredded, revealing his pants underneath.}

RED GREEN: Well, as you can see, we have a winner in the inflated hip wader contest, and obviously, it isn't me. {looks down at his hip waders} I got her up to full pressure and then I made the mistake of sitting on my car keys. Now all I got is this rubber kilt.

{Cut to a man dressed in a business suit, standing in Harold's position behind the keyboards.}

NETWORK HAROLD: {laughs exaggeratedly} That's great, Uncle Red! So, what did we learn from this week's episode?

RED GREEN: Who the heck are you?

NETWORK HAROLD: I'm Harold! {Red stares} Your nephew? Your network-approved nephew!

RED GREEN: Oh, well, golly, maybe this is working out all right after all. Yeah, alright, Harold, here's what I learned: Never hold an inflated hip wader contest right next to a game of lawn darts.

NETWORK HAROLD: {laughs again, then looks at the camera seriously} And I've learned that if you tell a lie, the only person you hurt is yourself.

{Harold rushes over to Red and hugs him around the waist. He hugs Red, who looks frustrated.}

NETWORK HAROLD: And you know? Uncle Red, it's the worst kind of hurt.

RED GREEN: Oh, no, it isn't.

{Suddenly, the real Harold runs out from offstage, dressed in his Lodge clothes and wearing a headset.}

HAROLD GREEN: Cut! Cut! Whoa, hey, cut! Whoa, that's not working, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: I'm not making any more changes to the show, Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, don't worry, there won't be any more changes. The network isn't interested in you anymore.

RED GREEN: Why not?

HAROLD GREEN: They finally watched an episode, so...


NETWORK BERNICE: I'm history, too. Come on.

{The network stand-ins hook their arms and walk out of the Lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, okay, Uncle Red, maybe you don't get a network time-slot, but you get me back! {laughs}

RED GREEN: Kind of a good news-bad news thing, is that what you're saying?

HAROLD GREEN: One of those being good news and one being bad news?

RED GREEN: That's the way I see it, yeah.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold, I'll be right down.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, yeah. {goes down into the basement}

RED GREEN: What a day! {to camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'll tell you one thing: that wife that the network gave wasn't half the woman that you are. In age or weight! {grins; rubs hands together} Your sense of humor, right, Bernice? Laugh it up! {to audience} To the rest of ya, thanks so much for watching, and on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole non-network gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice. {waves}

{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting in the basement. Red walks down the stairs, where the men are all throwing things around. Red heads for the front of the meeting, where Harold stands.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, okay, all rise! All rise!

{The men all stop throwing things around and stand as Red takes his place at the front of the meeting. The men all cross their arms over the chest.}

HAROLD GREEN: Guantanamera, Guajira Guantanamera

EVERYONE ELSE: {overlapping} Quando Omni Flunkus Moritadi.

{Red looks at Harold. The men all sit down. Cut to the show information, showing the phone number and website URL of}

ANNOUNCER: {voiceover} For more information on Red Green and Possum Lodge merchandise, call 1-800-YPOSSUM, or find us on the Internet at

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