The complete transcript for The Movie
Intro[]
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, here's the man who loves the great outdoors, because there's no doorknobs to bang your head on, my uncle, your hero and host, Red Green!
{Red walks into the lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He holds a video camera in his hand.}
RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. Appreciate it. Took my– Took my wife Bernice out for an anniversary dinner. {nods and smiles}
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah. I heard all about your kitchen fire.
RED GREEN: Well, I tried to surprise Bernice with some home cooking. I almost cooked our home! {upset} First of all, never flambe a whole goat. {shakes head} And you know what? I think it's the darn cookbooks now. {places index finger and thumb close together} The print– The print is so fine in them, you know? I thought for sure it said, "forty ounces of brandy". You know, I know now you need a much bigger oven to cook an– to cook an entire goat like that. And then the tail got hooked {moves finger around in a circle} into the rotisserie socket there. I wound up with a flaming goat carcass doing about {moves hand around in circle} thirty RPMs in the middle of the kitchen floor! {shakes head}
HAROLD GREEN: Well, I guess that's why all parties end up in the kitchen.
RED GREEN: {to Harold} Yeah, yeah. Boy, that was a mess, I'll tell ya. {back to camera} But anyway, I decided, to heck with that. I took Bernice out to a movie. What a disappointment! Last time I went, I went to see Chariots of Fire. You know, I expected that to be a remake of Ben-Hur with flamethrowers. And then, in this one here, it was– it was What Dinosaurs Would Do If They Were Around Today.
HAROLD GREEN: {giggles, walks up close to Red} I know! I know! I know what they'd do! I know what they'd do! {giggles again} They'd form a lodge and they'd all sit around and wonder why women don't understand them!
RED GREEN: {nods} That's so– There's nothing funny about that.
HAROLD GREEN: Okay. Well, they're dinosaurs.
RED GREEN: You know what's not funny about that? Eight bucks! Eight bucks, Harold! And– And the most likable character in the movie was made by a computer and bites peoples' heads off. I mean, how does that happen?
HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's simple, because Hollywood only cares about young people, because we actually go to the movies. The only time they get your eight bucks is when you set your house on fire with goats!
RED GREEN: You know what? Somebody needs to make a movie for people like me. {holds up camera} And I'm gonna do it myself! {smiles}
HAROLD GREEN: All right! Forrest Gump! {plays switcher while Red turns to leave}
Title sequence[]
{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress. Edgar is the contestant and the word is "Unsafe".}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few scenes from this week's episode. That's our game with Edgar.
{Cut to Red standing outside the lodge next to a radiator. He holds a coffee mug in his hand as he tries to fill it with hot water from the radiator, which is attached to a hot water heater.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I got a heavy-duty cappuccino espresso maker there, and, uh...
{Cut to Bill and Red holding a long, high-pressure water hose, which they use to wash a car. However, the water pressure knocks off small pieces of the car.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's something else that's really hard to do: a clean show under a lot of pressure.
Plot Segment 2[]
{Harold tunes his switcher as Red enters the lodge, holding several books in his hand.}
RED GREEN: Well, things are really starting to come together for my movie. No blood and gore, no special effects, no obscene language, and no nudity.
HAROLD GREEN: Well...
AUDIENCE: {sounding disappointed} Awww...
HAROLD GREEN: {to audience} No, no, no, no! I've seen the people around here; nudity would be counterproductive. {to Red} Y'know, Uncle Red, you're gonna need a script, and I myself have written over 38 different screenplays. Ha-ha-haw! Almost selling one to the community access channel. {cringes} Almost! Perhaps I could write your script?
RED GREEN: No, Harold, I don't need a script. {holds up books} That's why I got these. I can use one of these for my script.
HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, you can't do that. You have to, y'know, pay for the rights and stuff.
RED GREEN: No, I just {moves books around} changed the story a bit, y'know. {opens one book} Like, look at this one here. Like, for instance, take this one... {looks at book} Okay, you got a Southern belle named... {brief pause} Charlotte O'Hara. {Harold looks at book and slowly rolls eyes} She falls in love with... Brett Rutler... in the Civil War. And then Atlanta– no, no, Atlantis falls into the sea, and she makes a dress out of a Venetian blind.
HAROLD GREEN: {somewhat annoyed} That's Gone With the Wind, and everybody's gonna know it!
RED GREEN: Alright, well, I'll tell you what. {holds up index finger} We'll just make a movie about ourselves, Harold: The Red Green Story. The little guy triumphing over very big odds.
HAROLD GREEN: {amused} Don't you mean "the big, odd guy triumphing over very little"?
RED GREEN: Uh, you know, Harold, I'm just thinking, I'm gonna be casting for the part of Harold later today. You might wanna be a little nicer to me.
HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} I got to audition to play myself?! Who– Who could possibly play me?
RED GREEN: You know Porky Lansford?
HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head} Porky Lansford looks nothing like me.
RED GREEN: No, but his wife is a dead-ringer. {smiles, then turns to leave}
Red's Campfire Song[]
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by tapping a plastic gas can.}
RED GREEN:
- Hey, kids, can you turn the music up?
- Can you play that song a bit louder?
- Can you pump up the bass and the treble,
- And increase the output power?
- Hey, kids, can you turn up the boombox?
- Can you find louder music to play?
- 'Cause I've just done a really stupid thing,
- And I'd rather not hear what my wife has to say.
The Possum Lodge Word Game[]
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game! {pull back to reveal Red and Edgar sitting at card table} And this week– this week's grand prize is a beauty. Oh yeah, you'll get a lot out of this. This week's grand prize is for a pair of brass handles and the coffin of your choice from Dempsey's Funeral Home! Dempsey's, where our motto is, "Good grief!" All right. {looks to Red} Uncle Red? Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get local explosives expert, {points to Edgar} this fella here, Mr. Edgar Montrose, {Edgar looks away} to say this word. Edgar, you gotta cover ears. {takes out word sign} Edgar, your ears have to be covered. {Edgar still looks away}
RED GREEN: I think we're okay.
HAROLD GREEN: You think so? All righty.
{Harold turns the word sign around. It displays on it the word "Unsafe".}
HAROLD GREEN: The word is... {looks briefly at sign} "Unsafe". "Unsafe".
RED GREEN: Alright, alright...
HAROLD GREEN: {sets sign down} Thirty seconds, and go!
RED GREEN: Okay, Edgar. {Edgar still looks away} Edgar?
HAROLD GREEN: {looks at watch} Go, go! Thirty seconds, go!
RED GREEN: {shakes Edgar's arm to get his attention} Edgar!
EDGAR MONTROSE: {looks at Red, startled} Oh, I'm all ears, Red! {puts hand to ear}
RED GREEN: Yeah, I know. Just no eardrums. Okay, you stand too close to an explosion. That's...
EDGAR MONTROSE: Uh, {looks at his clothes} hard on your clothing.
RED GREEN: No, no, no. Okay, if you just leave dynamite lying around, that would be...
EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, handy. {nods}
RED GREEN: Okay, yeah, no, alright. But let's say nutbars and lunatics get a hold of dynamite. Then that would be...
EDGAR MONTROSE: ...Texas.
RED GREEN: {shakes head} Okay. {looks up in thought briefly, then holds up index finger} All right. Try this one: you're juggling bottles of nitro. Your clothes are covered in gas. {Edgar nods} Then it's...
EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, the weekend!
HAROLD GREEN: No, no, it's almost out of time, Uncle Red.
RED GREEN: {holds up index finger} Okay, okay, okay, okay! I got seven sticks of lit dynamite in my mouth, my clothes are covered with gas, I'm roaring down the highway on the roof of a car. I would be...
EDGAR MONTROSE: {somewhat offended} ...a copycat! {nods while Red sways his head} Don't be stealing my party tricks, Red! Very unsafe!
{Red suddenly leans forward and rapidly rings the bell to end the game.}
HAROLD GREEN: Oh! {points at Edgar excitedly while Edgar gives a thumbs-up}
Handyman Corner[]
{Red walks along outside the lodge, holding a small coffee cup on a saucer in his hand.}
RED GREEN: You know, a lot of people these days are drinking the espresso coffee. {holds up small cup} Apparently, this is enough to fill some people up. Not lodge people. {sets cup and saucer down on table and picks up a huge beer mug} This is more what I had in mind. Impresso espresso! {walks up to Handyman Corner sign, holding mug} So this week on Handyman Corner, {walks up to a hot water heater standing nearby, knocking sign over in the process} we're gonna make a man-sized machine to make man-sized espresso out of this, uh, hot water heater here. See, the hot water heater is built to take lots of water and lots of pressure, sort of like the lodge on nickel beer night. {looks at a safety valve on heater} All right, now, you see there? You got a safety valve, right? {picks up hammer} Well, hey, if we were worried about safety, we wouldn't be drinking espresso. {whacks the valve off of heater with hammer} All right, now we just gotta plug up the bunghole there. {places a cork in the hole and taps it into place with hammer} Wow! {smiles} No safety valve! Getting the caffeine rush already. {stoops down next to thermostat on heater} All right, now, down here in this area, you got your thermostat. It's set on high, but {takes a pair of pliers and places them on the thermostat} I'm gonna see if I can't coax that a little bit farther. {squeezes pliers over thermostat and turns them clockwise; rubs hands together eagerly} Oh-ho-ho, baby! {gets back up} All right, while that's heating up now, I'll start working on the filter. We got that unit set for nuclear meltdown, and I'm thinking, paper filter's not gonna do it. {picks up a car radiator off of work table} I'd rather go with a car radiator. It can take the heat and the pressure. {looks at bleeder valve at base of radiator} And I got the bleeder valve here to dispense the coffee. You know what? I think I'm gonna call that a dispensing valve, 'cause when I'm working on a project, I really don't wanna hear the word "bleeder".
{Wipe to a later scene. The hot water heater is swaying slightly as the top bulges upward. Some tubing is connected from the heater to the car radiator.}
RED GREEN: {holding the beer mug from earlier} Now, if you like your milk steamed, just check out the tank. There's bound to be a pop rivet on there somewhere.
{Red reaches out and touches the heater. A sizzling sound is heard and Red quickly withdraws his hand, groaning and shaking it.}
RED GREEN: Oh! Yes sir, that is hot! All right, our work here is done. Let's, uh, let's have some coffee.
{Red stoops down next to the dispensing valve on the car radiator and turns it slightly, holding the mug under it. Some espresso pours out through the valve and into the mug.}
RED GREEN: {laughs} Oh boy! Yep! Oh-ho-ho! Espresso! Oh yeah! All I need now is Juan Valdez and his donkey here.
{Red then turns off the dispensing valve. He holds the espresso in the mug up to his mouth and takes a sip. He suddenly stops and looks away, gagging slightly.}
RED GREEN: No, I think the donkey's already been here. {looks at mug and sniffs it} Oh, for gosh– I forgot to put the coffee in! {laughs as he picks up a huge can of coffee} Forgot the coffee! All right, just get the rad tap off of here. {looks away from camera while pulling on tab on radiator, which is stuck} She's rusted on a bit. {strains to remove tab} Oh, here she comes!
{Suddenly, a blast of hot water spews from the radiator as Red continues to look away from the camera. The blast dies down as Red turns to face the camera, holding the tab in his hand. His face is now all red from the heat. He slowly opens his eyes.}
RED GREEN: Boy, uh, got a sting to her there! {sets tab town} All right, now, uh, {opens up coffee can and pours coffee into radiator} you could use the gourmet coffee on this, but I think you'll agree, what we're doing to it, you're better off to just go ahead with the cheap stuff. {stops pouring in coffee and puts tab back on radiator} Okay. There we go. {wipes hands together} Should be all set. Let's have some espresso. Got my cream and sugar.
{Red places his coffee mug under the dispensing valve and turns it on. A blast of hot water and coffee spew out into the mug. He then turns the valve off and pulls the mug away quickly.}
RED GREEN: Oh-ho-ho, man! Well, if that isn't the best coffee you ever tasted, then my name is... Mud. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {takes a sip of his coffee, then suddenly looks around; quickly} I'm gonna paint the shed brown. {throws coffee out of mug behind him, hitting the shed wall}
Midlife[]
RED GREEN: Wanna talk to you older guys about your busy schedule. I'm guessing you're spending a big part of your day yelling at teenagers to turn the darn music down. Huh? I bet you can't believe it, eh, 'cause twenty, thirty years ago, remember, you used to love to have your music loud, eh? And now, all of a sudden, you can't stand their music that loud. And when you realize your hearing's off forty percent, imagine how loud it really is, huh? {chuckles} But let's be honest here: volume is not the problem. You like some things loud: your car exhaust, Matlock, young women saying how good you look for a man with your lifestyle, eh? {chuckles} The truth is, you don't like the new music loud, 'cause you don't like the new music, period! So stop yelling at the kids to turn the music down. Start yelling at them to turn the darn stuff off! Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this togeth– {suddenly shouting} I SAID, REMEMBER, I'M PULLING FOR YA! WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!
Plot Segment 3[]
{Red stands in the lodge, holding a movie clapperboard.}
RED GREEN: Auditions, Behind the Beard: The Red Green Story, take one.
{Red brings the clapstick down hard on the slate. As it makes the clap sound, the slate falls off the clapperboard and on the floor. Red bends down to pick it up. Cut to Harold, posing proudly.}
HAROLD GREEN: I'm Harold Green, and I'm auditioning for the part of Harold Green.
RED GREEN: Next!
{Annoyed, Harold leaves. Red, having reassembled his clapperboard, brings down the clapstick again, this time holding the slate in his hand. Cut to Dalton, holding Harold's switcher.}
DALTON HUMPHREY: I'm Dalton Humphrey, and I'm auditioning for the part of Harold Green. {puts on a pair of glasses, then pretends to play the switcher; talking like Harold} Hey, Uncle Red! Watch out! That– Another wild bear's chargin' ya! I'd help, but... I'm a coward! {whoops loudly}
RED GREEN: Next.
{Dalton gives a thumbs-up. Red brings down the clapstick on the clapperboard slate again. Cut to Winston, wearing a hat like Red's and a fake beard, which is wrapped around his head in an elastic band.}
RED GREEN: State your name.
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Winston Rothschild, and I'm auditioning for the part of Red Green.
{Winston lets go of the beard he is holding, which snaps against his face. He adjusts his beard briefly, makes a sign of the cross, and then holds up a paper.}
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {reading paper, talking like Red} "Don't worry, ma'am, saving a hundred orphans is all in a day's work for me. The bashful bachelor of Possum Lake..."
RED GREEN: Next.
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {overlapping; still talking like Red} "...Red–"
{Winston learns that he needs to stop, and he walks off. Red brings down the clapstick on the clapperboard slate again. Cut to Buzz, wearing Red's hat and the fake beard.}
BUZZ SHERWOOD: {talking like Red} And, uh, you orphans, remember, uh, when you grow up, uh, keep your stick on the ice. {laughs maniacally}
RED GREEN: Next!
BUZZ SHERWOOD: {shocked} What?! What?!
{Buzz walks off. Red brings down the clapstick on the clapperboard slate again. Cut to Hap, wearing Red's hat and the fake beard.}
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I'm Hap Shaugnessy, and I'm auditioning for the part of Red. {reads from piece of paper in hand} "Don't worry." Uh... {clears throat, then speaks like Red} "Don't worry." Uh... "The pack of rabid wolves are dead." {pauses, perplexed} "It would have been easier if I had had some kind of weapon, but what are a few scars compared to knowing you saved a busload... of orphans?" {stops, perplexed} Oh, come on! Dialog should be believable! It's like when I was with Meryl Streep!
RED GREEN: {quickly} Next!
{Hap leaves. Red brings down the clapstick on the clapperboard slate again. Cut to Edgar.}
EDGAR MONTROSE: Huh? Oh, I'm Edgar Montrose, and I'm auditioning for the part of Bernice!
RED GREEN: Next.
{Perplexed, Edgar walks off. Red brings down the clapstick on the clapperboard slate again. Cut to a crowd of men all standing around.}
ONE MAN IN CROWD: We're auditioning for the crowd scene!
RED GREEN: Next.
{The crowd all laugh. Red brings down the clapstick on the clapperboard slate again. Cut to a man and a woman standing together.}
RED GREEN: Oh– {gets cut off by the sound of a cuckoo}
Adventures With Bill[]
| Action on screen | Red's voiceover |
|---|---|
| Outside the lodge, Red drives the Possum Van up to a sign reading "Charity Car Wash.... pay what you can". He doesn't stop the van until he hits the sign and knocks it down. He then stops the van and gets out. Another car is parked in front of the van. Bill walks out, holding a variety of washing supplies. | This week on "Adventures With Bill", he has set up kind of a charity car wash thing. And Junior Singleton had left his car as the first we were gonna wash– were gonna wash. |
| Bill accidentally drops his washing items and bends down to try and pick them all back up. He places all of the items in a trash can placed there. He jams all the items down into the can and stomps it down with his feet, one of which gets stuck in a metal pail. He waves to the camera and gestures around. | Bill has quite a few, uh, quite a few items... Maybe too many items, is what comes to my mind. Must be getting paid by the hour here rather than by the– by the... And he's putting... Brings all the stuff, puts it in the garbage. Oh, that makes a lot of sense. Bill, why would you– why would you throw... Yeah, yeah, yeah, hello. Why would you throw all that stuff in the garbage? |
| Cut to a later scene. Bill brings out a power sprayer on wheels. Red rubs his hands together eagerly. He then walks up close to the sprayer, but Bill flails his arms at Red, who steps back. Bill starts pulling on the starter cord, but it doesn't turn on. He puts his foot on the sprayer mechanism and starts pulling vigorously, to no avail. | Oh! Oh, my! Oh, all right. Oh yeah, he's got one of those&ndahs; You seen these things? It's a power sprayer. I'll start– No, okay, all right, all right. Bill doesn't like advice; he likes to just start things on his own. Give her a pull there, Bill. |
| Later, Bill is still trying to pull on the cord, still making no headway. Red inches over to Bill, but Bill pushes him away. | Give her another one. Give her another one. Bill, I'll just– No, all right, all right. All right, all right. |
| Still later, Bill is kneeling on the ground, still trying vainly to turn on the sprayer, while Red leans against the Possum Van, looking bored. | {sighs} |
| Later still, Bill is still trying to turn on the sprayer, to no avail. On one pull, it slips out of his hands, which go rocketing backward to smack him in the face and knock him down in a tangle of hose. He gets back up. | Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe that's called "Nemesis". |
| Red spots a button on the sprayer, which is labeled "Choke". He pushes it, then pulls on the machine a few more times, before finally turning it on. | Bill, just give him that... There's a little adjustment on the machine, it's, uh, the "choké". It's a French word. Push that, and, uh, look at that. See that? See that? There you go. Yeah, yeah. |
| Cut to a later scene. Bill holds up the nozzle of the sprayer, ready to wash. He aims the sprayer at Junior's car and squeezes the trigger. Suddenly, however, Bill and the sprayer disappear, much to Red's confusion. He looks around for Bill and the sprayer. | Yeah, great. All right, away we go. These things can put up to three, 400 pounds of of pressure. Where is... Uh, I don't... Where's, uh... Where– Where's Bill? Where's the sprayer? What happened? What's going on? Where is he? |
| At last, Red spots Bill, who has been knocked backwards, past the Possum Van, by the blast of the sprayer. He is struggling to hold the hose as it sprays all over the place. | Bill? Bill?! Oh! Oh! Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Hang on, Bill, hang on! Hold 'er! Hold 'er, hold 'er, hold 'er, hold 'er! |
| Later still, Bill has gotten control of the sprayer, with Red's help. Bill gives a thumbs-up enthusiastically. They both spray in the direction of Junior's car. | Okay, okay. All right, there we go, there we go. That's a two-man unit right there. And now we're really spraying. |
| However, the blast of the spray rips pieces of the car right off, one by one: a back panel, a hubcap, the frame around one open window, the rubber on the door, a rearview mirror, and the frame around the windshield. At last, after Red calls Bill out, Bill turns off the sprayer. | Oh! By golly! Oh, oh! Uh, can we– can we maybe, uh, turn the pressure down– Bill, Bill, do you think– Bill, I think maybe we should– I think we should turn the– I think we should turn the– turn– turn the– turn the pressure down a bit! |
| Red points out the wreck they made of Junior's car, which now has been filled up with water through the open window, which Red also points out to Bill. | Well, we haven't just washed his car, I think we've increased his gas mileage because she's about 500 pounds lighter. Maybe closing the windows might have been a plan. I just thought it was really clean. |
| Bill and Red open the car door, and all the sprayer water flow out from the car onto the ground. Red dances around to avoid getting his shoes wet, not that it does him much good anyway. He finally tries lifting himself up on the side of the car to avoid the flow of water. When the flow stops, Bill and Red stare at the camera for a few seconds, and then Bill gives a thumbs-up to the camera and then points to the car in approval. | Um... gee, I-I hope Junior paid to have the inside done, too. {giggles} What do we do now, Bill? Yeah, yeah, we're gonna bluff. |
Plot Segment 4[]
{Red stands in the lodge, holding up a movie camera toward the front door.}
RED GREEN: All right, Harold, come on in. You're the returning hero.
{Harold enters the room wearing a cowboy outfit and white facepaint on his face. He walks in with a bit of a swagger. Red films this.}
RED GREEN: Come on over. {Harold walks around} Okay. Wait. Wait, wait. {Harold stops and poses proudly} Okay, all right. That's good. {Harold dances around in a silly manner} Wave goodbye to the sheriff. {Harold makes a waving motion} All right, blow a kiss to the sheriff's daughter. {Harold does so} Yeah, yeah. Show her your love, Harold. {Harold makes a disgusted expression and turns to walk off} No, no, good call, good call. {Harold stops and returns} All right, all right. Okay, now look around for your uncle, Red. {Harold looks around in an exaggerated manner} Eh? You can't see him. Where is he? {Harold shrugs} You realize, he must've been killed during the food fight. {Harold mouths, "He must've been killed during the food fight." Yes, exactly. Suddenly, you're very sad. Put your hat over your heart. {Harold does so} A couple of tears, Harold, wouldn't hurt. {Harold struggles to make a sad expression} More tears. {Harold slaps himself on the cheek and tries to make himself cry} No, no, no. Crying, crying, crying, crying. {Harold whimpers} You realize, Harold, you've lost the greatest man whoever lived. {holds up hand} And cut! And cut! All right, I think we've got enough. Beautiful.
HAROLD GREEN: We've got enough?
RED GREEN: {nods} Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good work. That was good. It was fine.
HAROLD GREEN: We did enough? We only shot an hour's worth of film.
RED GREEN: That's another thing, Harold: I think the movies today are way too long. I mean, haven't these moviemakers heard of kidney stones, for gosh sake?
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but you left the lens cap on for the first fifteen minutes.
RED GREEN: {looking at camera} I was just establishing the mood, Harold. Plus, we can't shoot any more because I invited a distributor to come and look at this.
HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} You invited a movie distributor up here?! Oh! {becomes nervous}
RED GREEN: Well, no, well, he's an auto parts distributor, but he knows some people. {runs toward the door, Harold following after a brief pause}
The Experts[]
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show, the part of the show where we explore those three little words that men find so hard to say... {gestures toward audience}
AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!
{Harold is revealed to be seated at a table with Red and Ranger Gord.}
HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Tres excellent! {opens letter} Okay, joining my Uncle Red in the Expert portion of the show this week is a man who's been in the forest for over eighteen years, {points toward Gord} Ranger Gord!
{Gord smiles as the audience applauds and cheers.}
RANGER GORD: {waves} Hi, everyone. I missed you.
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all right. {looks at letter} Okay, uh, our first letter goes as follows: {reads} "Dear Experts: My husband and I like to go camping, especially since the recession. I notice that the campgrounds... I notice that the campgrounds are getting destroyed from thoughtless campers whom I have never seen once at our church. What are your feelings on this matter?"
RED GREEN: All right, uh, well, the thing with garbage is you don't want it all concentrated in the one spot. So what I do is I just put it all up on the roof of the van. And then... And I make sure I leave my campsite at night.
HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, that's– that's thoughtless. That's criminal! It's an assault on Mother Nature.
RED GREEN: Well, I'm just trying to get even for what she did to you.
{Harold rolls his eyes. Red nods while the audience applauds.}
RANGER GORD: No, Red, Harold is right. {looking into camera} Folks, when you're camping, you're living in some animal's home. You know, it could be a squirrel, it could be a chipmunk's. You know, and they have personalities and feelings. {grimaces} Whoo! Especially the chipmunk. Anyway, no, so you can't just dump garbage in their home. Oh, and you can't eat a chipmunk, because it'll be months before the other chipmunks will forgive ya.
{There is an awkward pause as the audience laughs.}
HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's certainly good advice.
RED GREEN: I know.
RANGER GORD: Yeah. So when you leave a campsite, you have to make sure that you leave it exactly the way you found it. Exactly! You know, pick up any bottles or napkins. If you've dropped any breadcrumbs, pick them all up. And, of course, uh, you have to douse the fire properly. And after it's doused, you pick up all the little pieces of wood, you put them together, you form them into a log and rebuild the tree.
RED GREEN: How the heck does that work, Gord? Because the logs, most of them, are burned away at that point.
RANGER GORD: Right, of course, you have to use filler, and the filler is made out of pine cones, spruce needles, and muskrat milk.
{The audience laughs again.}
HAROLD GREEN: More good advice. Um, maybe next time, when Ranger Gord's here, he can actually tell us how you milk a muskrat. {everyone nods}
RANGER GORD: Well, certainly not on a first date. Yeah. I'll never do that again.
Plot Segment 5[]
{The front door of the lodge opens and Red and Harold enter. Red is visibly upset as he slams the door shut. He is covered in tomato splotches. He holds up a tomato.}
RED GREEN: Who brings tomatoes to a movie theatre?
HAROLD GREEN: {shrugs and shakes head} I wouldn't call that a movie theater; that was a vegetable barn, that was. Just be thankful it wasn't watermelon season. {giggles} You brought it on yourself! {wags finger at Red} You did, you did, you did, with all those credits in the movie: "Written by Red Green", "Conceived by Red Green", "Starring Red Green", "Directed by Red Green", "Key Grip: Red Green", get a grip, Red Green!
{The audience applauds as Red looks down at his tomato sadly.}
HAROLD GREEN: But you know...
RED GREEN: {sadly} They didn't... They didn't even give that movie a chance, Harold.
AUDIENCE: Awww...
HAROLD GREEN: {nods} Well, I know.
RED GREEN: I know.
HAROLD GREEN: I know. Criticism can be hurtful.
RED GREEN: It can be, yes.
HAROLD GREEN: Tell me about it.
{The audience laughs, and suddenly, Red brightens up and he laughs, too.}
RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
HAROLD GREEN: Glad I could snap you out of it. You could learn something from it sometimes, too.
RED GREEN: Yeah, I did. I learned... I learned something. I learned you don't have to be a Hollywood hotshot, spending millions of dollars, to make a bad movie. I can do it right here for next to nothin'! {chuckles}
HAROLD GREEN: Well! Maybe next time somebody wants to make a really bad movie, maybe they'll call ya.
RED GREEN: Yeah, all right.
{Suddenly, the "Squeal of the Possum" is heard.}
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, meeting time, Uncle Red.
RED GREEN: Yeah, away you go, Harold.
{Harold goes down the basement stairs in the back as Red looks to the camera.}
RED GREEN: If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meetin'. And, uh, sorry about the mess on my clothes. I tried to make a Spaghetti Western; ended up with a face full of tomato sauce. {to audience} The rest of you, thanks for watching, and on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, {waves} keep your stick on the ice.
{He tosses the tomato toward the audience and then heads for the basement stairs, waving. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold is at the front of the meeting, with everyone standing up. Red comes down the stairs.}
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, here he comes, here he comes! Everybody take their seat! Sit down. Have a seat.
{Everyone sits down as Red takes his place at the front of the meeting.}
HAROLD GREEN: All rise.
{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}
EVERYONE: Quando omni flunkus moritati.
RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits back down}
HAROLD GREEN: {looking at a clipboard} Okey-dokey, we just have, uh, the one announcement tonight. It's from, uh, Winston Rothschild of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Uh, he wants to remind all of us that with corn-on-the-cob season here and the high temperatures, make sure your holding tanks are well-vented. {suddenly becomes disgusted} Why do I read these?! That's disgusting! Someone's gotta proofread these before I start doing it! {calmer} But it's good advice, though, you know. It is a high season, so to speak.