WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
[ gunshots ]
[ bird squawks ]
harold: We invite you and yours
to join us and ours
for the next 30 minutes
on "the red green show"!
You know, time is money,
and this is only half an hour,
but it seems a lot longer,
you know,
so it's really a bargain.
And I love doing this show.
I couldn't do it
without my uncle.
And, well, because he's
the head honcho around here.
That is, until, of course,
he realizes
that he's actually past it,
and that's the day
that I get to take over.
Wa-a-a!
But until that time,
here's the head honcho,
the big guy
with the twinkle in his eye,
and in the twilight
of his career,
the current host
of "the red green show,"
mr. Red green!
Thank you, harold.
Thank you.
Welcome to possum lodge.
That intro made me
feel 20 years younger.
Well, I'm glad to hear
that you feel 50 again.
Wa-a-a!
You need me around here.
'cause without me,
you couldn't do this.
[ keyboard clacking ]
and if I could,
I wouldn't, harold.
Something going on
with bob stuyvesant
this week up at the lodge.
He's real excited
about something or other.
Well,
maybe it's his job.
You know, he works
for natural resources.
Well, what could be exciting
about that, harold,
other than
the government pension?
Well, maybe, just maybe,
he's, like, created
some new oversized vegetable.
No, harold, but I think
your parents may have.
Why are you being
so cruel to me?
What did I ever do to you?
Well, that introduction
comes to mind.
Fair enough.
No, there's only two things
that excite a man --
expensive toys
and real expensive toys.
Now, with bob, I'd say this toy
has something to do with golf
since he happens to be
a golfaholic-amaniac.
You think maybe he bought,
like, a golf course?
Well, if he did, harold,
I'm gonna go work
for natural resources.
Oh, yeah, right.
Too expensive, isn't it?
Well, maybe he bought
a golf ball, you know?
One of those orange ones
with the huge dimples on it.
Could be like that.
Or designer tees.
Maybe got designer tees.
They make designer tees?
They made designer tees,
he probably got those.
Or a megaphone.
Maybe he got a megaphone.
And then he could just yell
"fore" really loud.
You know, like, "fore!"
fore, fore, fore,
fore, fore!
'cause he got, like --
but, yeah, okay,
how is he gonna hold a megaphone
and his clubs?
Yeah.
You know what it could be?
Like, a customized
hat-mounted mini-megaphone
and it automatically dispenses
tees right into the ground!
Bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang!
It's one of those!
That's what he got!
That's so great!
[ laughs ]
harold, maybe you should just go
right into the next segment.
There's already
too much violence on television.
Yeah, okay.
That was good, uncle red,
the way you picked up on that
and kept things moving
and everything.
That's good, you know.
It shows you mellowed.
Shut up, harold.
You slipped back
a little bit there, though.
Hey, bob, that new set of clubs
came in today.
I brought them over.
Oh, that's great news,
murray!
[ chuckles ]
this might be the set
that helps me break par.
Yeah.
Or even break 100.
You've never broken 100?
Well, not on
nine consecutive holes, no.
Okay, bring them in,
dwayne!
Oh, great.
All right,
that'll be $200 plus tax,
and then there's
shipping and handling,
delivery charges from the store
over to here.
Let's just call that
an even $400, huh?
All right.
Will you take a check?
Hmm.
Oh, it's
a government check.
I'm buying these for the
department of natural resources.
Oh.
I use them at work,
you know,
for checking out nature
and stuff.
[ chuckles ]
cash.
Fine. I'm gonna need
a receipt.
Oh, right, yeah, yeah.
Come on, dw-- oh.
I love the smell
of new clubs.
Smells like victory.
Yeah.
All right, look.
Your receipt is in the pocket
with the tees, okay?
Happy hacking.
Let's go, dwayne.
Thanks, murray.
You're welcome.
Wait a minute.
Well,
these are all woods.
So?
Well,
where are the irons?
Well, who needs irons?
Oh, trust me.
These clubs are gonna bring
your score right down.
Well...
I can't golf
with all drivers.
Have you ever tried golfing
with just drivers?
No.
Huh?
Well, have you ever played
a good game of golf?
No.
Well, then what do you know?
Come on, just try them out.
One round, huh?
Th-- th-- they're all --
they're all drivers!
I mean, there's no irons,
there's not even a putter!
Oh, there's a putter
in here.
Oh, dwayne?
You left the putter
in the back of the truck.
Oh, sorry.
Get yourself another set
of golf clubs, did you, bob?
Bob: Yeah.
Murray's selling me
these miracle clubs.
They're supposed to reduce
my score by half.
Or even to par.
All that with
a money-back guarantee.
Oh, really?
You're actually guaranteeing
something you sell, murray?
Well, why not?
You know, if it doesn't
work out, I'll take them back.
If it does, I've unloaded
a set of left-handed clubs.
What?
Lefts?!
Well, these are all lefts!
I golf right-handed, murray!
Well, just try it once.
I can't golf backwards!
How could I do this
and expect a half-decent score?!
Have you ever
golfed backwards?
No.
Have you ever had
a half-decent score?
No.
All right.
I guess I'll try them.
I've tried
just about everything else.
That's great.
What could possibly go wrong,
I guess?
That's right.
So, what?
So you take 200 strokes
in 9 holes, huh?
Yeah, well, at least it's
a step in the right direction.
All right,
I'll give them a try.
Good.
When no one else is around.
I don't know.
Might be just crazy enough
to do the trick.
Here's the putter.
Red: Oh, boy.
[ guitar and drums playing ]
♪ they say on the river
where a long time ago ♪
♪ the paddle wheelers would come
steaming to and fro ♪
♪ they'd wave
and they'd whistle ♪
♪ as they headed
for the locks ♪
♪ and they'd plow over
a bunch of swimmers ♪
♪ and wipe out
all the docks ♪
♪ they'd leave arms and legs
and deck chairs in their wake ♪
♪ with that much polluting ♪
♪ no wonder they're banned
from the lake ♪
♪ a long time ago,
in the rivers and... ♪
♪ and the paddle wheelers
and come... ♪
red: This week
in the "handyman corner,"
we're gonna show you
how you can make
your own cheap transportation.
You know, what with the price
of cars getting up there
where it's,
I believe, well over $500 now,
and even a motorcycle's
gonna cost you $90, eh?
So I say, why not do
what the handyman does?
[ clears throat ]
build yourself a moped.
I picked up this bike
for about 5 bucks
down at the police auction.
If that's too much for you,
you can get one for free
over at the public schools
during nap time,
or as they call it,
history class.
Now...
All you need
is some extra chain,
a couple of rolls of
the handyman's secret weapon,
duct tape,
and something to use as a motor.
I'm gonna use a chain saw,
but you could use
an outboard motor.
Or, if you don't care
about going real slow,
you could use
one of them garage-door openers.
Okay, now, first step is
you got to get the pedals
and the chain --
[ straining ] oh, boy --
off the bike.
[ clears throat ]
okay, now, there's a --
there's a trick to this.
Okay, I don't think
that's the trick.
All righty.
You know, there might be
some kind of a wrench
or something you use on these.
Well...
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Nope.
[ sighs ]
this is gonna have
a lot of miles on it
by the time I'm done.
All right, don't try sawing
that off with a hacksaw.
You'll just ruin
a perfectly good hacksaw blade.
Harold had the right wrench
in his bike kit.
Get that off.
Save these pedals, though,
'cause next week
we're gonna show you
how to make a foot-powered
egg slicer.
[ clanging ]
all right.
Uh, next step is
to get the chain off the saw.
[ groans ]
now, uh,
you'll find there's a...
There's one special link
on the chain
that just comes apart.
And can you pry that open
or you can cut it off with snips
or, uh, if you have
a heavy vehicle at all,
just back right over
the darn thing.
[ cat yowls ]
okay, now we're ready to mount
the engine right onto the bike.
Now...
I was gonna bolt this
onto the frame of the bike,
but I'm not sure
how that would work.
And at this point, I have
no idea what I was thinking of.
So I think what I'll do is
I'll use a few c-clamps
and a little bit more of
the handyman's secret weapon --
duct tape.
And when you put it on,
make sure you snug her up
real good.
You don't want this thing
whipping off between your legs
at 50 miles an hour.
Or maybe you do.
You know.
Duct tape is great stuff,
isn't it?
You can build a house
with this stuff.
Just make sure
you smooth her down good.
Nothing says poor craftsman
like lumpy tape.
Another word of caution to you.
You want to put a little bit
of slack in the chain,
but not too much,
'cause you don't want
that chain flopping around,
whapping into whatever
you've got flopping around.
Okay. It's a real eye-catcher,
isn't it?
Can you imagine driving
through the park in this?
They're gonna see you.
Well, let's give her a go.
[ engine turns over ]
there you have it.
Nothing to it, nothing.
I got nothing.
I forgot to tell you
to be sitting on the bike
when you start it.
Anyway, remember,
till next time --
if the women
don't find you handsome,
they should
at least find you handy.
Oh, by golly,
the texas moped massacre.
[ engine humming ]
"it is winter.
"I shovel my driveway.
The snowplow passes.
"the driver smiles
a wintry smile
"and waves a hand
"as he fills my driveway
with snow again.
I wave back with my finger."
hi, red.
Bob.
Been on the course,
have you?
The course?
Yeah.
Oh, yes, the course.
Yeah, I went out
for a quick 18.
How did your new
left-handed woods work out?
Oh, well, better
than I expected, you know.
Ask me how much better.
All right,
how much better?
Six under par.
Wa-a-a! No way!
Yeah, 18 holes,
66 strokes.
Whoo!
How did you
manage that?
Well, two birdies, an eagle,
and a hole-in-one on the 5th.
On the dogleg?
On the dogleg.
No one has ever done that
on the course! No one!
Oh, I was great!
Ha ha!
I was great!
You should have seen me!
One stroke, bang,
right onto the green.
I sank a 20-foot putt.
With, you know,
a goalie stick.
By the 12th hole,
I had 40 guys following me
around and applauding.
Applauding me!
An eagle!
Can you believe this?!
Oh, man, oh, man!
Way to go, bob! That's great!
Congratulations!
Those are some miracle clubs
there, bob.
Well, it's not just
the clubs, red.
It was magic.
Serendipity.
It was the greatest day
of my life.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
You'll never have
another game like that again.
I know. I know.
This was the greatest day
of my life.
You know, I could play golf
for another hundred years
and never have a game
like that again, ever.
I mean, this was
the greatest day of my life!
This was it!
It happened!
From now on, it's all...
It's all downhill.
I'll never play a game
like that ever again.
I did it.
I had a dream, and...
Now it's over.
I have nothing left
to live for, do I?
Sure you do, bob,
sure you do.
Well, how can you beat
six under par?
Seven under par?
Sorry.
Sure,
seven under par.
I used to take seven strokes
just for one hole!
I mean, I may improve
just a bit more,
but never like I did today.
Oh, it's all over!
[ crying ]
what am I gonna do now?
Well, you can grab your putter
and take up hockey.
Red: Last week
on "adventures with bill,"
bill said he wanted to do
some fishing.
So I took
the fishing and line down,
but he had something else
totally in mind.
I've never seen one of these.
I heard about them.
It's a kind of a rig that you
don't need a boat to go fishing.
You put these big, huge --
they don't call 'em flippers,
but they look like flippers.
But if they called them
flippers,
they couldn't charge as much.
Put them on your feet,
and then you put the rig
in there.
And he's just showing --
they go on just --
oh, oh.
Well, I guess they don't go on
quite as easy as flippers.
But they come off a lot easier.
Anyway, he's gonna have one
engine instead of two, I guess.
And what you do is,
almost like a diaper thing,
you step into the rig
and it's basically a portable
fishing boat kind of...
No.
Well, oh...
Boy, you don't want to be a fish
looking up at that point.
Okay.
Oh, well, we know where
we're going with this, don't we?
Yeah.
And he lost his tube.
And it's called a float tube.
That's why I say that.
Now, this time,
go in from the ladder
where it's a little bit lower,
and get the one foot in there,
and then try to get the other --
try to put the other foot
in there, too.
No, that's only one.
Bill, that's just one.
Whoa!
No, no, no.
It's amazing you still
want to go fishing after --
now he's gonna just put it on
on the dock
and then just jump in.
But the flipper,
it hooked in between the boards.
He didn't notice that.
I tried to point it out to him,
but he just...
Whoa!
[ gurgling ]
you know,
you pay for not listening.
Anyway, he finally got
into it there,
and he wanted some help,
'cause he had --
you know, something handy around
the dock, like a boat hook,
is such a handy thing.
You never know
what you're gonna use it for.
Now, what I want to do
is hand him all --
'cause there's compartments
in the float tube.
You can put your tackle box
in there and your thermos
and a flashlight.
'cause you don't know how long
he's gonna be out there.
And the bait,
I just kind of threw in there.
I thought it might
keep him awake, you know.
And the fishing rod.
And he's ready to rip.
There's a little apron
on the front
that goes up
to keep everything dry.
And even with the one flipper,
he could get out
to where he wanted to fish,
and hey, look there.
So I thought
I'd just take the boat out
and kind of go out and join him,
you know.
It looked like kind of fun.
Plus, I had brought
my fishing rod, as I said.
And if he caught --
what do you do
with a real big one, anyway?
He wanted me to come on over,
but you know, by golly,
when you get
the 9.9 opened up there,
it kind of raises the bow
a certain extent.
And she wasn't running
real good.
It seemed to me
she was running rich,
and I'm trying to adjust
the mixture on that.
'cause you're running rich,
you're gonna burn a lot of gas.
And...
Ugh!
And -- oh, oh -- the thing was,
I never did see bill.
And I went way up the lake.
I hope he's okay.
Well, buster hadfield and I
went down to the store
to ask murray
about the stolen clubs.
Of course,
murray denied everything
before we'd even asked.
Dwayne nodded a lot
and then he sold buster
a fishing hat
that he'd made out of a guitar.
Buster has trouble finding hats.
But that small,
round head of his
fit perfectly
into the sound hole.
The neck kind of going
straight out here,
and three strings
under each ear.
He looked like somebody who'd
stood too close to the stage
during a pete townshend
guitar solo.
On the way back to the lodge,
he was doing barre chords
with his comb,
and he got caught
in a crosswind that produced
about the loudest "e" minor 7th
I've ever heard.
Oh, uncle red, excuse me,
but this has very little
or nothing, actually, to do
with bob's midlife crisis
and his golf clubs.
I think your mind
is kind of wandering there.
Well, my mind may wander,
harold,
but at least
it gets out once in a while.
Okay, so, where was I?
Oh, yeah.
The two "e" pegs kind of shot up
buster's nose there --
[ screeching ]
oh, saved by the possum!
It's meeting time.
Come on, uncle red.
Let's get downstairs
and see what's going on.
Yeah, okay, well, I'll just head
down to the lodge meeting here.
We're gonna try and find
a new hobby for bob.
I wonder if he'd like
harold's job.
Excuse me a minute.
[ screeching ]
[ indistinct conversations ]
harold: All rise.
Wa-a-a!
All:
Quando omni flunkus, moritati.
Red: Sit down.
Would all members
please remove their hats?
[ guitar strings plucking ]
thank you, buster.
The floor recognizes
noel christmas.
Thank you, red.
Red...
I've got proof
that bob's new clubs are hot.
Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh!
I'm sorry, bob.
I-I couldn't have known.
But remember,
caveat emptor.
Oh, I don't care.
Well, bob, I'm gonna have to
impound those as evidence
and take them down
to the station.
Sorry.
All right, here.
[ indistinct murmuring ]
I want my money back,
though, murray.
Oh, sorry,
no can do, bob.
The goods have been confiscated,
you see.
One more point.
Bob, murray, dwayne,
you're all under arrest
for dealing in stolen goods.
Oh!
What?!
Are you accusing us of knowingly
dealing with stolen goods?!
Wait a minute, I didn't even
know that they were stolen!
Yeah,
he wasn't even there
when the guy who swiped them
came to the store.
I-I mean,
we don't know anything.
We don't know anything.
All right, bob,
you can go free. Go on.
Murray, dwayne,
you're under arrest.
We didn't know
they were stolen!
Now, this guy
just came into the store,
he said he was gonna become
a missionary and work in africa,
and he wanted to sell off his
collection of left-handed clubs
to finance
his missionary work.
And buy a new hat.
He went to africa.
Yeah, he got
a missionary position.
You got any proof?
Huh?
I mean, can anybody here
corroborate this story?
[ indistinct talking ]
well, I think a refund might
refresh my memory, murray.
Oh, huh, well,
how about a half a refund
and a game of golf
with divot brain here?
Well, noel, I was there.
It's all true.
This guy
was going to africa
to convert heathens
and stuff like that.
And murray bought his clubs,
just to help him out.
That's your story.
Well, it is
at this point, yeah.
Fine.
I'll be watching you.
I will be watching you.
Oh, no --
[ crash ]
well, if there's
no other lodge business...
...Then I, uh, call on bob here
to give us
the meeting's entertainment.
I think you got kind of
a new lease on life here, bob.
[ applause ]
well...
Thank you very much, red.
Well, I...
I guess I'm a man
with a purpose again.
I realize
that it was those clubs.
I mean, anyone could get
a six under par score
with those clubs.
Well, I think everybody learned
a little something tonight,
and the beauty of it is
it'll be totally lost on them
by tomorrow morning.
Bob will go back
to being bob.
Murray will go back
to being murray.
Harold will
go back to being harold.
But I'll fix them.
I'll go back to being me.
Anyway, if my wife is watching,
I'll be coming straight home
after the meeting tonight,
and buster hadfield
is gonna serenade us
outside the bedroom window
with his hat.
So be sure and have
a few potted plants ready.
So, until next time,
on behalf of myself and harold
and the whole gang
up here at possum lodge,
keep your stick on the ice.
right at the first hole,
I stepped up to the tee,
the first tee,
but I hit this ball,
and I just felt
that right at that moment,
this was not going to be
a regular golf game.
So I had
the ball down there,
and I could feel the energy
coming from the ball,
going right up through my club.
So when I pulled back,
it's not like
I was even playing golf at all.
It was more like I was --
oh, I don't know --
flying or something.
It just seemed much,
much more natural to me.
Anyway, that ball just took off
and arched perfectly
just perpendicular to my body,
arched right...