The complete transcript for The Bad Check-Up
Intro[]
{"The Red Green Show" intro plays as the characters are introduced. After we introduce the characters, there are a few scenes from the show, followed by a stock footage of a bird flying through the sky at sunset, amid various gunshot sounds.}
{The camera pans through a cluttered hallway inside the lodge, on its way to the main lobby. During this time, Harold is heard introducing the show.}
HAROLD GREEN: Ever since man has first walked upright billions of years ago, he has been a hunter, a fisherman, and he's lived off the land. Okay, all right, well, not billions of years ago, because, you know, dinosaurs only went extinct about, you know, what, maybe about 65 million years ago? Oh, yeah, okay. Sometimes, in those science-fiction movies, you see like a Tyrannosaurus rex eating some cave guy. That couldn't happen. There's no way because, like, humanoids, they've only been around, like, for, I don't know, maybe a few million years, whereas, then real people have only been around, like, maybe a couple hundred thousand. Okay, and by real people, what I mean is, like, homos erectus.
{All the while, Red emerges, looking bored by his nephew's overly-long introduction.}
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay, I know you're laughing, but don't even, because this is a real term. These are the people who existed between, like, Neanderthals and, like, the Flintstones. Right in there, that special time? And they're the ones, they developed tools, like the Phillips and the Flint knife. And they used to throw bones in the air. {giggles} Like that movie 2001? Ever see that? Did not understand that movie whatsoever, I'll tell you that. It had, like, a black cartridge. It's like a Nintendo game cartridge. I had no idea–
RED GREEN: {interrupting, annoyed} Thank you, Harold!
HAROLD GREEN: So, here he is, the star of The Red Green Show Red Green.
{The audience applauds. Red glances into the camera with a look of annoyance.}
RED GREEN: Thank you. Welcome to Possum Lodge. {looks toward Harold briefly} Overstaying his welcome is, uh, Harold here. Harold is my producer and director, and due to an unfortunate family situation, he's also my nephew. Uh, Harold has eaten up most of our time with his stream of unconsciousness there.
HAROLD GREEN: I'm sorry, Uncle Red. Sometimes, I just get ideas and I can't stop it, so– Here comes an idea right now! Here it comes!
{Harold plays his switcher. A shot of him is shown swinging and twisting around against a shot of the Possum Lake area at sunset. He laughs.}
HAROLD GREEN: Was that cool and/or hip, or what?
RED GREEN: Well, that's eaten up even a little more time. Uh, so I'm gonna– I'm gonna have to keep things moving very quickly now. I'm running out of time; very little time left. I haven't got any... {looks at watch} You know, I sound exactly like Kreskin.
HAROLD GREEN: We like Kreskin. Kreskin was good. Wasn't he one of the better ones? I thought he was really something else. David Copperfield, he was good, too. He made the Statue of Liberty disappear. Haw! Where you gonna put that, your closet? I don't even think so. I'm sorry, Uncle Red. You go right ahead with what you're doing.
RED GREEN: {to Harold} Thank you, Harold. {to camera} Well, in the three seconds I have left, I thought I would mention that the lodge has gone for a new life insurance policy.
HAROLD GREEN: That– You should tell that story. That's a really good story, 'cause you know it better–
RED GREEN: Shut up, Harold.
HAROLD GREEN: I'll do that.
RED GREEN: So, we all had to have examinations, but the problem was that Glen Brachston flunked his exam. I mean, his physical was so bad. I think his cholesterol was 5,000 over something. And they ended up taking away his driver's license, which means he can't drive his beloved RV. Well, I'll tell you, Glen is not a happy camper. In fact, he's not a camper at all.
HAROLD GREEN: Did you see 2001? What was that? Who was HAL?
RED GREEN: {annoyed} Just do the next segment, would you, Harold?
HAROLD GREEN: Right, okay. {plays his switcher to trigger the next scene}
In the Lodge[]
(Harold sits at a card table, folding envelopes. Glen lies on the sofa, moping about the results of his check-up, while Bill sits behind the sofa, is fixing the bucksaw.)
GLEN BRACHSTON: Life stinks, and that's the whole deal. Life stinks.
HAROLD GREEN: (mumbling) Yeah, just ask your feet.
GLEN BRACHSTON: What's that, Harold?
HAROLD GREEN: Hmm? Oh, I said you should be up on your feet. You know, moving around, get the ol' circulation goin.
GLEN BRACHSTON: Why? Doctor just gave me a death sentence, Harold. That's what it is, ya know, a death sentence. She might as well pull out a shotgun, put it beside my head, and blown it off.
HAROLD GREEN: I don't think general practitioners can do that. {giggles} She only said that your outta shape. She didn't say you're gonna die, Glen!
GLEN BRACHSTON: She said I couldn't drive my RV anymore. I mean, it's– it's worse than dying! {scoffs} I mean, what else do I have in my life?
HAROLD GREEN: Well, you own and operate the only marina for twenty miles.
GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah, but it's something I like.
{The front door opens, and Noel rushes in, out of breath, holding something in a duffel bag. He shuts the door and glances toward Bill.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Bill, have you seen Glen Brachston?
{Bill points to Glen lying on the sofa and Noel spots him.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Oh! {jumps over sofa onto other side} Glen-O! Huh? {lightly punches Glen's upraised feet with his fists} Hey, up and at 'em! Hut, hut, hut! Let's go at it!
GLEN BRACHSTON: Drop dead, Noel. I'm about to.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Hey! Shape up, man. We're gonna get you back in the driver's seat! Look what I brought!
(Noel runs over to his duffel bag and takes out a long tube-like object. Harold spots the object and laughs.)
HAROLD GREEN: Whoa! I've heard about these diets. I'd rather stick your fingers down my throat.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: This happens to be a simple, portable muscle machine. Let me demonstrate.
(Noel puts his foot on the middle of the tube. He then takes the ends and pulls them upwards.)
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull!
(Suddenly, however, the tube slips out from under Noel's foot and hits him in the groin. He reacts in pain, breathing hard and stumbling as he does.)
GLEN BRACHSTON: So what? I gotta smack myself with a hose to get in shape, Noel?
NOEL CHRISTMAS: (still stumbling around) No. Ah! No, no, that was an accident. {pants for breath} But, uh, I can guarantee that in two week, you can have a body like mine! {flexes his muscles}
GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, great, he's gonna saw off my legs.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Oh, fine. Thank you very much. I'll have you know, mister, I'm in terrific shape.
GLEN BRACHSTON: Mm-hmm.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Harold! {gestures Harold over towards him} Come on over here. {strikes a fighting pose} Try to hurt me!
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no! No, no, no, no. No, I know this one. This is where, like, {reaches out with his hand} you tear out my heart and {squeezes hand in and out} show it to me before I die! I think enough girls done that to me in my lifetime already, thanks very much.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Smart lad.
{At that moment, Red enters and Noel spots him.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Red! {strikes fighting pose} Come on, try to hurt me!
RED GREEN: All right. Your short and you can't get a date.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: {drops arms} I meant physically.
RED GREEN: No, thanks. I'm gettin' a drink.
{Red walks away while Noel turns to Bill, striking the same fighting pose again.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Bill! Get over here! Come on, try to hurt me! Huh? C'mon!
(Bill strolls over and, in one swift movement, kicks Noel in the knee, then walks away. Noel yells in pain and stumbles around. Glen laughs.)
NOEL CHRISTMAS: {to Bill} I meant with your hands! Wow! {to Glen} I wasn't ready!
GLEN BRACHSTON: If you were gonna get mugged, they'd have to phone ahead and make a reservation.
{Eddie then enters the room, holding a tray full of butter tarts.}
EDDIE JOHNSON: Okay! Who'd like a butter tart?
{No one answers. Eddie looks around at everyone else while they pretend to ignore him. He sighs.}
EDDIE JOHNSON: Store-bought.
{Now everyone gets up to get them.}
HAROLD GREEN: Okay!
GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, yeah, sure! I'll have one.
{However, before anyone can get the tarts, Noel runs up.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Hi-ya!
{Noel kicks the tray right out of Eddie's hands, sending the tarts flying. Everyone looks up, noticing that the tarts have gone up so high that they stick to the ceiling.}
GLEN BRACHSTON: Whoa!
EDDIE CHRISTMAS: {angrily} ARE YOU CRAZY?!? {also looking up} HALF MY BUTTERTARTS ARE STUCK TO THE CEILING!
NOEL CHRISTMAS: {to Eddie, pointing to Glen} This man does not need a butter tart! Okay? You might as well have taken one of those things and jammed it right into his heart!
EDDIE JOHNSON: I'd like to take one of those things and jam it down your throat! Those things took me two hours and nine pounds of flour!
GLEN BRACHSTON: I thought you said they were store-bought.
EDDIE JOHNSON: Well, you wouldn't have noticed the difference.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: I'll have you know, Glen has given up junk food!
GLEN BRACHSTON: Whoa! Whoa! Noel! Since when?
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Since you decided to lose twenty pounds and shape up, ya pathetic... blubber butt!
{Harold giggles. Glen turns to him.}
GLEN BRACHSTON: What are you laughing at, Tubby?
HAROLD GREEN: Huh? Who, me?
GLEN BRACHSTON: Look, you got a body like a sack of tapioca!
EDDIE JOHNSON: {laughing and pointing at Harold} Tapioca!
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah? You should talk, Eddie!
EDDIE JOHNSON: Who, me?
HAROLD GREEN: Yes, you! The government asks you to list your first three ingredients, you'd have to list "Fat, fat, fat!"
{Red laughs, which offends Eddie.}
EDDIE JOHNSON: {to Red} And what are you laughing at?!
RED GREEN: Who, me?
EDDIE JOHNSON: Yeah! I mean, you put on another five pounds, you'd have your own gravitational field!
{Eddie laughs and walks off. Bill also laughs with him.}
RED GREEN: What are you laughing at? Don't say "Who, me?" You wear those jeans out one more time, you'd have nine separate pieces of denim!
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Okay, okay, All right I think we established that you're all a little overweight. SO CAN WE GET STARTED?! Now, assume this position... {strikes fighting pose}
RED GREEN: Well, let's just assume I assumed it. And don't dent the floor, you guys. {walks off}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Okay, fine. Harold, Bill, Brachston! (Glen lies down on the sofa again) Are we not gonna turn our bodies into {poses again} lethal weapons?
Red's Campfire Song[]
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by tapping on a plastic gas can and blowing into the spout, trying to toot it.}
RED GREEN:
- At night you'll see the men sittin' out on the porch,
- Chewin' and spittin' in the light of a propane torch.
- They chew and they spit till the morning light.
- In the future, when they eat muskrat, they'll remember to marinade it first.
{Harold then toots the gas can harder and louder than ever. Red looks away in disgust, waving his hand.}
Handyman Corner[]
{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another area of the lodge, where Red is standing behind his worktable.}
RED GREEN: This week in, uh, Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you something festive and decorative that you can do to your patio. You know, the patio up here at the lodge has not been looking all that great since we did that experiment to find out whether or not, uh, hydrogen is flammable. But, you know, I think we can bring her right back up to snuff here by making our very own patio lanterns. And they're real easy to make and kind of fun. {picks up a string of Christmas lights} Uh, for– for starters, you have your Christmas lights, which are probably hanging up at your house all summer long anyhow. So why not double up with those? Uh, all you need is, uh, some of those plastic containers. You might find, uh, two or three in the garbage.
{Red looks away and bends down. He tosses various plastic bottles helter-skelter on the table.}
RED GREEN: Now, I just, uh, picked these out of today's garbage up here at the lodge. Uh, and they are a little dirty. Now, I would suggest you just let that mung just kind of dry on there and then pick it off with your thumbnail. I tried to clean one of them in the dishwasher.
{Red picks up a tiny bit of twisted plastic and shows it off to the camera.}
RED GREEN: You know, there's a heater in those dishwashers. And that thing just shriveled up there like a... well, you guys know what I'm talking about. {sets tiny bit of plastic down} Anyway, uh, what you want to do is, uh, pick out, uh, one of the containers that seems the appropriate size and shape to make a patio lantern out of. Um... {holds up empty motor oil container} Something like that, for example. And then you want to see... Well, let's see, which way would we hang that? {holds it upside-down} Well, I think kind of– that kind of a look is kind of like a big plastic teat on there. Outside the sun porch door there, that would look good. Then what you want to do is, you want to cut an X in the bottom. Uh, you can use a carpet knife for that. Now, I have a carpet knife in my pocket.
{Red feels around in his pocket, then reacts in pain as he finds it. Apparently, it had the blade open as he pulls it out and looks at it.}
RED GREEN: All right, someone didn't put the blade away before they put that in my pocket. {retracts blade} Uh, now what you want to do here is, you want to cut an X, and cut it about two inches. Or if you're– if you're dealing in centimeters... {looks up briefly} uh, you want to cut enough centimeters that it's, uh, two inches.
{Red starts cutting the X in the motor oil container, but has some difficulty in doing so. Wipe to a later scene. Red finishes cutting the X in the container.}
RED GREEN: Okay, okay. Now we've got our X. And then you just put the bulb right in there, and it's kind of a friction fit. {sticks index finger into X cut, but can't get it out} And that's– that's really on there! That really...
{Red mutters incoherently as he struggles to pull his finger out of the cut. He strains with all his might and finally pulls his finger out with such force that it slaps him in the face, knocking his hat askew in the process. He readjusts his hat, then looks at his finger and the cut in the container.}
RED GREEN: All right, you just– uh, you just do that for all of them. Uh, the cutting thing, not the "slapping yourself in the face" thing. {puts container down} Unless, if you want to slap yourself in the face, I'm not– I would help you. {shakes hand} By golly, that smarts!
{Wipe to a later scene. Red is straining to cut another X in another container: a soap dispenser. He grunts with the effort and then finally exhales as he finishes cutting the container and putting it aside.}
RED GREEN: All right, that's two. {checks watch} It's taking a little longer than I thought. {clears throat} Well...
{Red coughs as he takes another container to cut an X in. He is about to cut when he accidentally cuts his finger instead. He yelps in pain and shakes and kisses his hand. In frustration, he throws the container aside.}
RED GREEN: All right, uh, there's actually an easier way, uh, than, uh... {retracts carpet knife blade} the carpet killer to punch the holes in these things. This would be with a, uh, with a power tool. {holds up a drill with a cutting bit in it} Let's see if this works a little better...
{Red takes another container and drills into it, this time with less effort than before. He then pulls out the drill and puts the container aside.}
RED GREEN: I think so, yeah. {takes a container of bleach} Get the old bleach bottle here...
{Red starts to drill into this bottle, but bleach suddenly starts to spill out through the hole and gets on Red's hands. With a yelp, Red drops the bleach bottle and quickly shuts off the drill. He tries to wipe the bleach off his hand.}
RED GREEN: Who threw that one out? {takes some margarine tubs and stacks them on top of each other} Another thing you can do with a power tool is, you can kind of... save a little bit of time.
{After making a sizable stack, Red then drills into the stack of margarine tubs. The drill bit gets caught, however, and causes the tub stack to spin around. Red quickly shuts off the drill and pulls it out of the stack of tubs. He then puts the drill down.}
RED GREEN: All righty. Uh... Well, we'll start to get a few more going here, and, uh, {tries to stick a Christmas light into one of the cut containers} the next step will be to take our containers and, uh, stick the Christmas lights through those.
{The light doesn't appear to going into the hole, however. Red drops the container.}
RED GREEN: I'll get to hammer and just tap those on. {struggles some more before finally succeeding in sticking the light in} And by the time I finish getting everything rigged, I think it's gonna be dark enough to show you how this really looks.
{Wipe to a later scene. It's night out. The lights have all been attached to the various plastic containers and are hanging over him, all lit up. Red is impressed by his handiwork.}
RED GREEN: Now, you tell me who wouldn't want to have that hanging around their house, huh? {looks offscreen} Harold, kill the lights there a minute.
{Offscreen, Harold shuts off the lights, plunging the room into darkness, save for the lights in the plastic containers.}
RED GREEN: Look at that! Good friend, good fun, good food, and, uh, margarine tubs. You know, I think this is the greatest recycling decorator's idea since, uh, cutting tires in half, painting them white, and putting them up beside your driveway. Oh, well. Until next time, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
{Red starts to walk off, but suddenly trips on something metallic on the floor, startling him.}
RED GREEN: Geez, I can't find anything! Harold, turn the lights back on, will you?
{Offscreen, Harold tries to turn the lights back on, but the lights in the plastic containers go off instead.}
RED GREEN: Oh, geez!
{Stumbling in the dark blindly, Red trips on several more metallic containers on the ground, causing an even bigger racket. Red looks offscreen again.}
RED GREEN: Thank you, Harold!
In the Lodge 2[]
{Glen is still lying on the couch, feeling sorry for himself. Bill meanwhile is staring up at the ceiling at the butter tarts stuck there.}
GLEN BRACHSTON: I don't know, maybe he's right, Bill. Maybe I should work out or something, get up. {strokes chin} I should watch what I eat.
{Bill holds out his hands as one of the tarts comes loose from the ceiling and falls into his outstretched hands. Glen notices as Bill is about to eat the tart.}
GLEN BRACHSTON: Are you– Are you gonna eat that whole...? {Bill stares at the tart} Give me half? {Bill does so} Thank you.
Endless Summer[]
{Red sits on a bench on a hot summer day. He reads from a book.}
RED GREEN: It is summer. Two men are arm-wrestling, locked in a draw for fifteen minutes, with their huge ham-like fists wrapped around the last beer in the house.
Plot Segment 2[]
{Red enters the lodge, holding the insurance policy.}
RED GREEN: Now, the, uh, final insurance policy arrived, and I got to go around and get everybody's signature. Let's hope, uh, nobody dies before they get to sign. That would be a real tragedy, wouldn't it?
HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, do I have to sign on the dotted line, too? I know I'm not, like, a lodge member, but, you know, I consider myself a keen observer.
RED GREEN: Try being a silent observer, Harold.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, right, right.
RED GREEN: Well, Glen's going around here feeling sorry for himself, which isn't that hard to do. I'll tell you, if, uh, moping burns calories, Glen's gonna drop about forty pounds by dinner. Noel's trying to get him into shape. When Glen's not looking, Noel goes out and moves the RV about forty feet down the laneway so Glen gets a little more exercise. And Noel also, uh, turned the broom closet into a sauna. Right now, there's eight guys in there sweating it out.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah? What are they using for heat?
RED GREEN: Eight guys.
HAROLD GREEN: {disgusted} Ew!
RED GREEN: Glen, uh... Glen is drinking beer out of a heavier mug now to kind of build up the biceps. And he licks the salt off the pretzels before he eats them.
HAROLD GREEN: Wow! Next stop, the Olympics. Haw!
RED GREEN: Yeah, I think the problem is, you know, you are what you eat, and Eddie keeps pumping us full of pancakes and doughnuts and, uh, French toast and muffins, and he deep fries all that stuff.
HAROLD GREEN: Hurry up, Uncle Red. I'm getting hungry.
RED GREEN: Yeah, me, too. {turns to leave}
Visit With Eddie Johnson[]
{Red walks up to Eddie in the lodge kitchen. Eddie has several plates piled high with fried potato slices. He is pouring salt on them.}
RED GREEN: Eddie, what are you making for lunch today?
EDDIE JOHNSON: What do you see here, Red?
RED GREEN: Four heart attacks, three strokes, and a hernia.
EDDIE JOHNSON: {pointing at Red} Don't you blame me because Glen's a 300-pound weakling. Who made the high-fiber ice cream? Who made the broccoli cheesecake? Who made the artichoke yogurt surprise, hmm?
RED GREEN: You did that on purpose?
EDDIE JOHNSON: Yesterday... Yesterday, I made garlic-and-onion doughnuts.
RED GREEN: Well, obviously, threats don't work with these guys. But, you know, Ed, uh, I think you should cut down on the salt and the cholesterol; take some of the grease off the salads.
EDDIE JOHNSON: {slams salt shaker down in frustration} I'm not Glen's mother, you know! {takes a ladle and pours a bit of sauce on it}
RED GREEN: No, I know, I know. Mind you, there is a strong resemblance. Yeah, well, something's got to be done, that's for sure. {reaches out to take a plate} Give me another whack of that on here, would you, Ed?
EDDIE JOHNSON: Sure. {pours some sauce on it} There you go, Red. {Red is about to take the plate, but Eddie stops him} Oh, wait now...
{Eddie pours more salt on this plate, humming softly as he does so.}
RED GREEN: Beauty. {leaves with the plate of fried potatoes}
Adventures With Bill[]
| Action on screen | Red's voiceover |
|---|---|
| On a dock out over the lake, Red stands, holding up some paddles. Bill comes up, holding a canoe over his head. It's big, heavy and awkward, however, and Bill can't see out. He stumbles around, trying to keep balance. Red lifts the canoe up and drops it down into the water. They reach out to pull the canoe up beside the dock, but Bill reaches too far out and falls into the canoe. Bill gets out and back on the dock, waving to the camera. | Well, uh, this week on "Adventures With Bill," uh, I guess this means we're gonna go canoeing. Bill's under there somewhere. In she goes. And you okay? Bill, Bill, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy! Yep, yep, yep, it's "Adventures With Bill" all right. All right, yeah, he's fine. |
| Red hands Bill the paddles, but Bill waves dismissively and tosses the paddles offscreen. They hit something offscreen, and a man is heard yelling, "Hey!" and tosses one paddle back in Bill's face. Bill then walks off, then returns, holding an outboard motor. | Okay, now, I thought we'd just go paddling, but Bill said, "No, don't want to use the paddles." Oh, sorry about that. Uh, so he wanted to show us some different ways of powering a canoe here rather than the normal, conventional use of a paddle. |
| Bill gives Red the outboard motor and steps into the canoe. | So, he's got a-a real nice, uh... nice little outboard. Uh, I wasn't exactly sure how he was gonna attach it on, and, uh... |
| Bill reaches out for the outboard, but when he takes it, Red winds up and tosses it toward the canoe. However, his aim is off, and it is thrown overboard and into the lake. Bill stands up in the canoe, with Red holding the side to keep it steady so Bill won't fall into the water as well. Bill glances down at the water briefly and gives a thumbs-up. | I wanted... I was gonna swing it out to him. Uh, it's kind of heavy, so I wanted to get– I was off. {clears throat} That was unfortunate. But, uh, no problem. |
| Later, Red approaches the dock again, holding another, bigger outboard motor. Bill stands in the canoe as Red hands him the outboard. Bill puts the outboard in the canoe. Bill proceeds to lift up the outboard to mount it to the side of the canoe, but it slips out of his hands and into the water. Bill loses his balance and he, too, falls into the water, turning the canoe upside down in the process. Bill pops his head out of the water, treading it to keep afloat. | You know, lots more outboards where that one come from. Uh, now, this one might... this one might be a little bigger than what the canoe is rated for, but we don't have to turn her up full. Oh, of course, I hadn't realized the weight of... Now, I don't know if bolting that onto the side is... To me, it would go on the end, but then... I'm not the expert like Bill. Anyway, uh, so, we kind of abandoned that. |
| Still later, Bill, now soaking, is one the dock again. He and Bill pull the canoe out of the water and onto the dock. They tip the canoe over to dump the water out. They then set the canoe back down. Bill gives a thumbs-up to the camera and walks off. Red watches him leave. | We were running short on the outboards, and we just got her up on the dock, dumped the water out of her. I wasn't quite sure, uh, what Bill had planned there. Uh, whether you just leave it on the dock and then you... What you do is, you tow the dock around. |
| Bill then returns a moment later, holding several paddles, some C-clamps and some rope in his arms. He drops them all into the boat. Red watches, perplexed. | No, he left me and he come back with a... Went up under the lodge there and got all the– all the paddles that we use, uh, on spaghetti night. Well, and anyway, uh, fifteen, sixteen paddles or so there, I guess. And, uh... didn't quite know what he had in mind. And, uh, he brung down a bunch of, uh, "c"-clamps and some rope there... |
| Bill starts placing the paddles on various sides of the canoe, upright, and securing them in place with the C-clamps. He then ties some rope to the mounted paddles. | ...and, uh, a little bit of this and that, started, uh, hookin' the paddles onto the sides, and up onto the gunnels and the sides, and where the gunnels meet the sides even... |
| Bill continues tying the paddles to the C-clamps. | ...and then, uh, up at the bow, and, uh, down at that other one, the other end... the, uh, I guess, uh, the assistant bow. The back, I think it's called. |
| The camera pulls back to reveal Bill's handiwork. He had created a makeshift sailboat with the paddles, C-clamps and rope. Bill walks around the canoe to show off his sailboat to Red. | Now, what he created here was, uh, basically the sailboat idea. There's your keel, there's your four paddles on the side, and there's your main mast and your mizzen and your halyard and your mainstay and your forestay and... Oh, no, that's okay, that's okay to say that. |
| Bill then reaches out and tugs on Red's shirt, trying to pull it off, but Red pulls back and slaps him away. He gestures toward the rope. | Now what he needed was some cloth to put on. He wanted to take my shirt. I said, "No way, I'm not gonna give you... You take your own. You hang your own clothes on." |
| Bill and Red look away from each other, Bill taking off his overalls and Red starting to take off his pants. A hand reaches into the frame to cover up what is going on. | Anyway, so, I pretended that I'd take mine off if he took his off. And, uh, you know, we didn't want anybody to see this at home, so... I wish the cameraman had fatter fingers. |
| Later, Bill has stripped down completely naked as he uses all of his clothes for sails in his makeshift sailboat. | Anyway, uh, Bill stripped right down there, and, uh, which was a real treat for the bugs. But he started attaching his clothing and what have you. And, uh, God, he loves these things, doesn't he? |
| Still later, Bill is now seated in his new sailboat on the dock, ready to be put in the water to set sail. Red pushes the bow of the boat into the lake, followed by the stern, where Bill is seated. Unfortunately, it doesn't go in properly; it falls in sideways, spilling Bill into the water again. Bill treads water to stay afloat while Red goes over to another outboard motor lying on the side and tosses it in toward Bill. He misses, and it sinks into the water. | And there he's got his pants on the front. Now he said to me all I had to do was... Kind of looked like a Viking... I thought of the Vik– oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Hmm. Well, I figured maybe he could try the motor again. |
Plot Segment 3[]
{As night falls, Red enters the now-darkened lodge again, still holding the insurance policy.}
RED GREEN: Well, just a few signatures to go, and every lodge member will be covered for death or dismemberment. You know that a hand is worth more than a foot? That surprised me. I mean, I can understand an eye being worth more than an ear, but I would think you'd rather walk somewhere with one hand than hop there with two. And you know, there's something kind of warm about the guys asking mehow to spell their names. Had to use their real names there; no nicknames, except for Nick. Hey, Harold, you know what Junior Singleton's real name is?
HAROLD GREEN: Larry? David? Or, uh, Doug? Uh, Vladimir? Vance? Valerie? Peg? No–
RED GREEN: Shut up, Harold.
HAROLD GREEN: All right.
{Harold closes his mouth and pretends to lock it with a key, while Red makes a cutting motion across his throat.}
RED GREEN: {to Harold} It's Brutus. {Harold reacts in disappointment as Red turns back to camera} Et tu, Brutus. Et tu, Popeye. And Old Man Sedgewick's real name is "Old Man". No wonder he couldn't wait to grow up. Stinky Peterson, his first name is actually George. Actually, Stinky looks like a George, but he has the hair of a Stinky. Oh, I'll get the rest of the signatures at tonight's meeting.
{At that moment, the "Squeal of the Possum" sounds out.}
HAROLD GREEN: That's the cry of the wild possum, Uncle Red. It's time for the meeting. We better get down there. We have to convince Glen that his life really is worth living.
RED GREEN: Well, maybe you can describe your life. That'll make him feel better.
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, okay. {goes down basement stairs, taking switcher with him}
RED GREEN: You know, I think if the insurance company was aware of Harold's personality, uh, they might not give us a policy. Hey, uh, excuse me a minute.
{Red goes down into the basement. Down there, Harold, Noel, Eddie, Glen and Bill are all gathering around with Noel looking at something and arguing with it. Red comes down the stairs and everyone takes their places at the front of the meeting, with Noel hurrying over to his spot. Then Harold stands up again before Noel can sit down.}
HAROLD GREEN: All rise.
{Everyone gets up, except Glen, who remains sitting.}
HAROLD GREEN: Shh! Come on, Glen, you, too.
GLEN BRACHSTON: My heart won't take it.
{Everyone except Glen crosses their arms over their chests.}
EVERYONE EXCEPT GLEN AND BILL: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.
{Everyone sits back down, but then Red remembers something and reaches into his back pocket to take out the insurance form.}
RED GREEN: Oh, uh, Bill, Bill, I need your signature on this insurance form.
{Red passes the form from Harold to Eddie to Bill, who in turn hands Red a message bearing Red's name.}
RED GREEN: What's that? Message for me?
{Bill points to the message and nods. Noel raises his hand, which Red notices.}
RED GREEN: Oh, all right, all right, the floor recognizes Noel Christmas.
{Everyone groans as Noel stands up.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Thank you, Red. {clears throat, then gestures toward Glen, who shakes his head} I'd just like to show you what my athlete has learned in just one day. Come on, Glen. {gestures Glen to stand up} Show them.
GLEN BRACHSTON: Well, I can show you how I can strangle Noel.
{Everyone encourages Glen to stand up and show what he learned, applauding as they do.}
HAROLD GREEN: Go for it, huh? Go for it!
{Glen stands up.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Show them what you learned, huh?
{After a moment's hesitation, Glen raises his arms in the air.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Go, go!
{Straining, Glen tries to bend down to touch his toes, but only makes it to his knees. Everyone cheers and applauds.}
GLEN BRACHSTON: Well, that's a big day for me. {sits back down}
HAROLD GREEN: Whoo!
RED GREEN: {suddenly holding up one hand} Hold it! Hold everything, guys! Hold everything. The doctor, uh, made– a mistake on these reports for the insurance, uh, investigation here. It's not Glen that has the high cholesterol. It's Noel!
{Everyone laughs and points at Noel, who is shocked at this news.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: What?! Me?!
RED GREEN: {looking at report} Oh, yeah. And you got high blood pressure, too, Noel.
HAROLD GREEN: Whoo!
RED GREEN: It says, Glen, you're fine.
GLEN BRACHSTON: Great, so I can drive my RV again?
RED GREEN: Yes, you can, sir. {Glen laughs} They say you're so relaxed, you should never need any sleep.
GLEN BRACHSTON: {laughs} I'm with that.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Well, how can I be unhealthy? I mean, why is it me?! Why me?!
HAROLD GREEN: {to everyone else} Well, maybe it's the way he handles stress, huh?
RED GREEN: Yeah!
{Everyone laughs and points at Noel.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: {pointing at Eddie} It's your cooking, Eddie! That's right! You've been poisoning me with your lard-filled, vein-clogging fat feast! That's what it was!
EDDIE JOHNSON: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! You're the only one with high cholesterol around here! Everybody else is fine. And calm down! I'll put more grapefruit in your stupid diet.
GLEN BRACHSTON: Hey, I got an idea: let's jump in the RV, go to Florida, get some fresh grapefruit, huh?
{Everyone laughs again.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: I'm dying. I'm dying.
RED GREEN: Well, uh, while Noel is getting over the good news here, uh... unless there's some other business? {Bill hands his document with his signature back to Red} No, nothing going on. I'm gonna call on our old buddy, Glen, who's in perfect health, to give us the evening's entertainment. {gets to his feet}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Oh, Red, I mean, h-how do I look to you?
RED GREEN: {looking at Noel} Short.
{Red then leaves the basement, taking off his lodge vest as he does so.}
GLEN BRACHSTON: {standing up} Okay, I was gonna read my last will and testament, but I think I can scare up a few slides for you guys, huh? {audience groans} Bill, can you get the lights?
{Bill gets up and walks off briefly while Glen retrieves a projector screen from the corner of the room. Bill then returns, holding a rifle.}
GLEN BRACHSTON: All righty.
{Bill aims his gun toward the ceiling and fires off several rounds into the lights, shattering them and dimming the room a little at a time. Soon, the room is dark.}
GLEN BRACHSTON: Thanks, Bill.
{Meanwhile, Red walks up the basement stairs, back into the main lodge lobby. He walks up in front of the camera.}
RED GREEN: Well, who would have thought that Noel would be the one with the health problem? I mean, he's always after us to eat better and get in shape, and here it is that he's the reject. How can you not believe in God when stuff like that happens? Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and apparently, I'm in a lot better shape than I look, so I'd like to go back to not wearing any pajamas. Unless there's a downside. {to audience} So, until next time, on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice.
{Red waves and heads for the basement again. Down there, the film projector is turned on and Glen is showing a picture of a steel ball on it.}
GLEN BRACHSTON: It's a ball made out of steel. It's just all– It's a big ball.
EDDIE JOHNSON: A steel ball?
GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah, a steel ball.
HAROLD GREEN: Can you throw it?
{Red comes down the stairs again. He sits with everyone else and looks at the policy.}
GLEN BRACHSTON: No, it's really big. Like, see, there's my head. That's, like, just on the camera here.
HAROLD GREEN: Perspective.
GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah.
HAROLD GREEN: I know about perspective.
GLEN BRACHSTON: Actually, that's out of the front window of the RV. If I put– If I put, like, myself over there, I'd be– I'd be dwarfed by the thing.
HAROLD GREEN: Must be huge then.
GLEN BRACHSTON: Huge. It's a huge steel ball. Unbelievable.