WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
[ gunshots, glass shatters /
harold: The excitement
is about to begin,
so get ready to be excited
because --
well, it's gonna happen.
That much I know for sure, so...
Because, believe me you,
I know excitement.
Here he is,
the world's greatest uncle!
Well, okay, well,
as far as I know, anyway.
I mean, as an employer,
he's always compared, but...
Anyway, here's the star
of "the red green show" --
mr. Red green!
Thank you, harold.
Uh, hello, thank you,
and welcome to the show,
and a very special hello
to all the security guards
out there
who've chosen to watch us
rather than the lobby monitor.
And, hey, should have been up
at the lodge here last night.
We had a little talent show --
you know, just a bunch of us.
Uh, stinky peterson
went first, actually.
What he did was he swallowed air
for about 12 or 13 minutes,
and then he turned around
and belched "macarthur park."
it seems fabulous now,
but we were kind of afraid
to ask for an encore.
Actually, harold and I here
even did a little --
oh, I'm sorry.
I haven't
introduced harold.
Harold,
come on in here a sec.
Harold is producer, director,
and announcer of the show,
plus, we're helping him
get through puberty
in case he loses the map
or anything, you know.
And don't forget this.
[ keys clacking ]
[ laughs ]
I do
all the special effects.
Yeah, harold, I was just telling
them about the talent show.
Yes, I was just reliving
those moments myself.
You know, and it gave me
the motivation and opportunity
to cue up
the next segment.
So, uncle red, why don't we just
skip right on over to that?
And then we can come back to you
dredging up the past later.
You know, I mean,
if there's time.
Well, harold, I wanted to
kind of continue
with what I was saying.
Oh, boy.
Uncle red,
I wish you'd told me that.
Oh, I --
oh, jeepers, I'm sorry.
[ spoons and guitar playing ]
♪ there's a funny
little ditty ♪
[ whistles ]
♪ it's called
"the humming song" ♪
[ whistles ]
♪ "the humming song"
is pretty ♪
[ whistles ]
but I don't know it.
This week on, uh,
"handyman corner,"
I'm gonna be talking about vcrs,
which stands for, uh...
Ah, that doesn't matter.
Before I purchased this unit,
uh, I read
all the magazines about it,
and I spoke
to the production personnel
here at "the red green show,"
and, uh, they advised me
to get one of these beta units.
And, uh, even the salesman
at the store said,
"boy, they don't make them
like this anymore."
so, I don't know about you,
but whenever I get a new car
or a lawn mower
or what have you,
I like to just take it apart,
check it out myself,
kind of tune it up for
my own particular requirements,
and I'm gonna do the same
with my beta unit here,
especially since my "rambo" tape
is jammed in there.
I can't seem to get it out.
So I've just got one more screw
to pop off here.
[ drill whirring ]
okay. Ah.
It's set for screwing in,
which doesn't help.
Anyway, this should
pop off of here now.
All right, okay.
Uh, let's see what we got here.
[ sniffs ]
yeah, oh, yeah.
Well, I think, uh...
I think that there is a wire.
And this seems to be some type
of a plastic.
And I guess to get
the actual cassette out,
I'm gonna need to, uh...
[ muttering ]
all right, um...
There seems to be some sort
of a malfunction here,
and I think the only way
to get the cassette out
is to cut it out, and, uh...
I think I have the perfect tool
for that.
[ chain saw buzzing ]
so, uh...
Now what we have
is a movie with an intermission.
But since I got the machine
apart anyway, uh...
Might as well take a --
just that one last look at it
and make sure that...
Everything's all -- yeah, yeah.
Everything...
Everything looks okay.
I don't know what that does,
so...
Might as well take
those out of there.
Keep it simple -- my motto.
And I'll just give her
just a little clean-out here.
[ clattering ]
all right.
That should do it.
It was no big deal, really.
No matter what they make,
a microwave oven or a hair
dryer, anything like that --
if men make it, men can fix it.
So until next time, remember --
if women
don't find you handsome,
they should
at least find you handy.
Oh, wait,
there's an eject button.
I didn't see that.
We'll be right back
after these messages,
and I'll finish my story.
Count on it.
Unless I get
another attack on ennui.
I don't think you will,
not on payday.
Good point.
You know, uh, harold,
I was reading there,
they got, uh,
these atomic bombs now.
Well, they've had them
for a while.
I was gonna
mention that, yeah.
They won't sell me one.
Well, you got no place
to keep it.
You got to have
an atomic warehouse.
I wouldn't have it
long.
It's not like I could store it
over a winter or anything.
But I'm just trying to
figure out, you know,
exactly
how the bomb works.
Now, an atom,
apparently it's quite small,
and when you break it up,
it goes up big.
Is that it?
Exactly.
It explodes because it gets
away from itself really quick.
It's sort of like
a family reunion.
A family reunion.
Exactly.
Everyone just goes,
"thank you. Bye-bye."
and they leave really quick,
and there's a big
internal combustion.
Okay, but, now,
there's a neutron
and a proton
and an electron.
The electron, I believe,
is ionizing
around the nucleus,
and uh...
Is that it?
Exactly.
That's what I thought.
And then I think
the electron comes in to the --
comes in to the neutron on,
say, like, a Friday night.
Yeah.
And there's a collision there,
and the proton...
Says he didn't see
a thing.
No. Exactly.
He's not gonna say
he saw it.
And now the neutron
is excited.
Yeah.
And, of course,
what happens next is censored.
[ both laugh ]
"it is winter.
"a car drives past,
rushing to somewhere.
"the people inside do not feel
the glow of the winter sun.
"they do not feel the snow
on their tongue
"or the gentle breeze
on their cheeks
"or the huge wave of slush
that covers me from head to foot
"as their car drives past,
on its way to an accident,
if there's any justice."
now, as I was saying,
we're, uh, having a real hoot
with the talent-show thing.
You know, uh, moose thompson did
his version of "dirty dancing"
with a couple of truck tires
and a grease gun,
and then old man sedgwick
played his musical saw,
but he got a little carried away
during the
"flight of the bumblebee"
and ended up cutting the crotch
out of his hip waders.
He wasn't hurt, though.
Close, but no cigar.
Is that it, uncle red?
Is that the end
of the talent-show story?
'cause if it is, we can
just go on to the next segment.
I mean, you know,
if that's it.
No, that's not it, harold. I'll
tell you when it's finished.
Uh-oh.
Jeepers,
I wish you'd told me that
before I pushed this button.
Which button?
Just a sec.
That one.
You did that
on purpose, harold.
Sorry.
I had an attack of ennui.
Gord: Hi, red. [ laughs ]
I thought it was you.
Yeah.
I recognized the sound of
your truck coming up the lane.
Oh, yeah.
I'm just making some tea.
You want some?
Orange pekoe, rabbit's foot,
tree bark, or moose patty?
Well, I think I'll stick
with the orange pekoe.
Okay, great.
I'll give you a hand there.
I'll hold this for you.
This is great.
I'm making tea.
Making tea
for me and red green.
Yeah.
I haven't made tea
in 38 days.
For gosh sake.
Well, you know,
just wanted to have you
tell us
about fire safety,
'cause you're kind of
the expert in that area.
Well, I should be.
I've been up here for 13 years.
Oh, yeah.
13 long, lonely years.
[ sobbing ]
no, no, no, no.
Here.
[ voice breaking ] you know
[sniffles] it wouldn't be so bad
if there was a fire
now and then, you know?
Anything -- a small fire,
a controlled burn,
an unofficial
fireplace log.[]
I don't care!
Anything!
Oh, you can't mean that,
gord.
[ normal voice ]
no, I guess not.
Oh.
You kidder, huh?
Yeah. [ laughs ]
not when it's been as dry
as it has been, you know.
It hasn't been this dry in the
whole time I've been up here.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's very, very dry.
Do you get a lot
of lightning up here?
Uh, I was wondering about that.
You know, lightning.
Well, uh, yeah,
but it only hits my tower.
Yeah, I've got the only metal
for 50 square miles around,
so any lightning that comes down
will go through me.
Right here.
Yeah.
I can't tell you
the number of times
I've had my eyebrows
blown off.
I can't remember anything
before the age of 14.
It's the lightning
that did it, I think.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, could you give our viewers
just kind of a safety thing?
Like, let's say
incident lightning storm.
Is there any kind
of safety thing?
Where should they go
in a lightning storm,
say, for example?
Well, anywhere
but this tower.
Oh, yeah.
And another good
safety tip is,
when you're lighting
a campfire,
make sure you unplug
the electric charcoal starter.
Yeah, yeah.
That's very good.
Okay. Well, uh,
we got to get going, gord,
so, uh, we'll see you
next time around, eh.
You're not going already,
are you?
Come on!
I really have to.
You can't go if you haven't had
your orange pekoe.
I haven't had
my moose patty.
No. Well, maybe
some other time, eh?
Oh, you can't go yet!
Come on!
Well, "where's the fire?"
as we say.
[ laughs ]
[ spoons and guitar playing ]
♪ what do you see
when you look at a tree? ♪
♪ are you scared of the bark
or the way it's all dark? ♪
♪ what do you see
when you look at a tree? ♪
♪ if you see me
standing up to a tree ♪
♪ don't make a sound
till I'm done ♪
uncle red, this is
my favorite part of the show,
where you answer
the viewers' mail,
'cause I get to brush up
on my reading skills,
and it's an inexpensive
production filler.
[ laughs ]
letter number one.
"dear red, we're going moose
hunting soon, and I wondered,
"'how do you treat
a gunshot wound
in an emergency
situation?'"
well,
that's interesting.
I would have thought
any gunshot wound
is an emergency
situation.
Unless maybe you're, uh,
shot by a doctor in a hospital.
Why -- why would a doctor
shoot a patient?
I don't know.
Maybe some kind
of a make-work project.
Let's assume that the gunshot
wound happened in an open field,
if I might interpolate to that
of which the viewer has alluded.
All right,
uh, well, uh, first off,
you have to determine
where the gunshot wound is.
Uh, if it's in the duck
or the deer or the moose,
well,
you don't treat it all,
'cause that's where
it's supposed to be.
But if it's in
one of your hunting companions,
then first thing you have to do
is stanch the flow.
Oh, stanch the flow?
That sounds neat. What's that?
Uh, stop the bleeding.
And then you have to determine,
uh, how bad the wound is.
So, you might say, like,
"how do you feel?" or something?
Yeah, yeah. That's right.
And if he screams, "I'm dying,"
this is not good.
If me mumbles, "I'm dying,"
that's actually worse.
So, next thing
you try to do
is move the patient
if he can be moved.
But if you move him and the leg
doesn't move with the body,
um, then you really
have to rethink
the transportation method.
Right, right.
So, the person and the leg
should move together.
That would be good. I mean,
that would be better, right?
That's much better.
And then what you do is you get
the guy to a hospital,
and then you go right back
to hunting,
because otherwise
you'll lose your nerve.
Oh, lose your nerve for hunting
altogether, you mean?
Give it up.
Yeah.
Yeah. I've seen it
happen to guys.
Oh, that would be tragic.
Well, it's the downside
of getting shot.
[ film projector clicking ]
red: Uh, this week
on "adventures with bill,"
uh, he's gonna show you
how to erect, uh...
That's a tent, I guess it is.
You never know when bill reaches
into his pants what he'll find.
[ metal pegs clatter ]
now, this to me is not --
is not a technique that I think
he thought through totally,
'cause those pegs
and everything went --
they went all over the place,
and we were there
for a good two, three days
just finding
the little attachments
that go on the end
of the whirligigs there.
Anyway, I'm holding the peg,
and he's gonna hammer it in,
and I think...
That hammer looks...
Yeah.
Uh, I think bill underestimated
the softness of the ground
at this time of year,
and he drilled that baby down
a foot and a half, two feet.
[ grunting ]
but, uh, you know,
bill solves his own problems...
Oh, yep.
...And solves them
in his own way.
But, now, what's the deal?
Oh, yeah.
He wanted me to put this tent
up, but it wouldn't reach.
I was just gonna
stretch it up there,
but bill had another plan,
and he's resourceful.
You got to give him that.
[ grunting ]
bill's a lot stronger
than he smells.
Uh, I don't know
what exactly that accomplished,
but it seemed
to make bill happy.
And then the two of us
kind of got into --
and this is not always good,
to be working
at opposite ends of a tent.
[ grunts ]
you need kind of
a communication thing happening.
He's fine. He's fine.
Uh, bill, here --
I got a little suspicious.
This didn't look like
a normal kind of a tent looked,
and I was trying to
do my best to help.
You know, I'm there
as a supporter, really --
and literally, actually,
in this case.
And then --
well, that can happen.
That can happen.
And he's wrestling around
in there,
and, of course, what do you
suppose he comes out with?
[ clears throat ]
the instructions.
And I'm under the --
I'm under the --
I'm under the tent there, bill.
Oh, great, great.
That'll work well.
Bill can get scary on you.
You know, you got to --
oh, he's a happy guy, isn't he?
So, now, since the pole
got a little bent,
he decides he's gonna tie her
to a tree
and kind of prop her up
that way and --
[ crack ]
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Well, I do appreciate that,
bill.
Thank you very, very much.
Thank you for including me
in your life.
This is an old indian technique
that bill finally resorted to
for putting up tents.
It's a little tricky,
and you got to smoke a really --
smoke a really weird pipe
before you can do this,
but, uh, you know, I've seen
bill do this a few times,
and I've never been totally
able to figure out, uh,
how the heck he does it,
'cause you have to walk funny
to make it work real well.
Uh, but, uh, this one now.
He said he was gonna do
a real whoop-dee-whooper here,
and look --
throws the lines out.
And if you watch him, he kind of
flops her in the air a bit.
Yeah. Just the belly --
it's kind of a belly flop.
It looks like a big bowl
of jello tent there.
But by golly, she works,
doesn't she?
And, yeah, he's proud of it.
Nice work, bill.
So, he's all set there,
and, uh, got her all set up.
Of course, well, it's time for
me to head back to the lodge,
so I had to say goodbye
to bill there
and "see you next time."
oh, oh, oh, oh.
Sorry, bill.
"it is winter.
"a little rum in your coffee,
"a little whiskey in your tea,
"a little alcohol in the car
windshield-washer fluid --
that should keep everyone
wiped."
you know, we've, uh,
had some, uh, comments
that the show doesn't have
much of an edge to it.
Well, here's somebody edgy.
[ laughs ]
okay. Yeah. Hoo.
I wonder -- I wonder what the
plural to "grilled cheese" is.
Anyway, um, household chores.
Household chores.
The other day, my mom asked me
to clean up my room.
[ laughs ]
yeah. So, anyway, she says,
"harold, go clean up
your room," right?
And I said, "mom, how can you
expect me to clean up my room
"when it was your generation
that destroyed the environment,
"created millions of h-bombs
and m-bombs and a-bombs, huh?
"how about that?
"and drugs
and open manhole covers
"and hatred and greed
and intolerance --
"something which
I personally cannot stand.
"huh, mom?
How can you do that?
You're not seeing any
inconsistencies in this at all?"
[ laughs ]
you know what?
I learned something that day.
Actions speak louder than words.
'cause she just, like,
clouted me, right?
So I raced up to my room, and I
swept everything under the bed.
[ laughs ]
which is okay, 'cause
that's where I keep stuff.
Grilled chews.
Oh, that's neat --
grilled chews. That'd be plural.
Okay. Sorry I was wrong
about that talent-show story.
I know how all excited we are
to hear the end of it,
so come on back
right after these messages.
Can I have
my paycheck now?
Thanks.
It's not signed.
Sorry.
I was having
an attack of ennui.
You know, so many times,
once you get to be an adult,
you forget what it was like
to be, uh...
To be a kid.
And you really should, I think,
take a little bit of time,
spend some time with a child.
Good for you, good for the kid,
whether it's a neighbor's kid
or maybe a nephew
that's not like harold
or, uh, maybe, you know,
just through a stroke
of bad luck,
you have a kid of your own.
Anyway, today I'm gonna spend
a little bit of time
with one of my good, uh,
childish friends here, uh...
Max.
Max.
Uh, max and I are gonna do
a little one-on-one
on the old basketball,
the old hoops,
the old hitting the slats,
up on the boards,
on the...
Pretty bad-looking asphalt.
So, max, uh...
What we're gonna start with
here is, uh --
see, 'cause I like
to just teach them, too.
I don't want to
just fool around.
This has got
some educational, uh --
maxie, you try
to defend me there,
and now what I'm gonna do
is I'm gonna show you
some of my moves.
Okay, and I'm gonna come in
and go for the basket.
Are you ready?
You ready? Okay.
Okay, okay. Ready?
Time out. Time out.
Yeah.
I'm still out.
Time's still out.
Someone
didn't center this hoop.
Probably harold.
There we go.
All right. All right.
Time's back in.
Okay. Now you try it.
See if you can get by me.
Okay, come on.
Come on. Let's go.
Give it a good shot.
Hey, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Having a good time?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, come on.
Come on in.
Come on. Come on.
Now, see, if there was a ref,
see, that would be illegal.
Get the ball,
will you, max?
You know, the thing is, I can't
tell you how much fun they have.
I just wanted to get max
out of here for a sec
because, you know,
they enjoy it so much,
and they go home,
and they tell all their friends
that they spent some time
with a --
you know, with a television,
uh, personality,
I guess you'd call it.
You want to get that, max?
And to me, it just kind of
makes their day.
Throw it in here.
Throw it in here.
Throw it in here.
No, no. Max.
Uh, put it in my hands, okay?
And they get some exercise.
They're out in the sunshine.
Put it right in here.
Yeah, that's it.
No, no, no.
You're getting closer.
And the young leagues --
max, I'm kind of tired.
One more. Okay.
All right. All right.
Oh.
Go get that.
Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up.
I've got things to do.
But if any of you would like
to spend some time with a child,
go find one, you know?
God bless you.
Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.
Time out.
[ man clears throat ]
was that sarcasm there?
Well, you know,
I don't like to brag,
no matter how many opportunities
I get to do just that,
but I do have to say that
the highlight of the talent show
had to be harold and I
doing our song,
and I thought it would be
an ideal way
to finish off tonight's show,
to just do a kind of
a repeat performance.
Harold, come on over here.
Do you have a pen?
Yeah. Get over here.
So, uh, thanks a lot
for watching,
and on behalf of harold
and myself
and the whole gang
up at the lodge,
keep your stick on the ice.
And if my wife
is watching,
uh, you might want to fire
the vcr on and catch this.
Put it on that cassette that
I'm building up for dick clark.
Okay. Now,
you got to picture this.
We were about halfway
through the talent show.
Stinky peterson just finished
juggling bowling balls
and he was on his way
to the hospital
and everybody's fighting
over potato chips
and, suddenly,
the music begins.
Both: ♪ mm ♪
♪ I'm coming home,
I've done my time ♪
♪ and I want to know
if my pet ape is fine ♪
♪ it's all in my letter ♪
♪ da da da da, ennui ♪
♪ simple, little words,
all I need to set me free ♪
♪ that I wrote
and told her please ♪
listen to this part.
Listen to this part.
♪ tie a yellow gibbon
around the old oak tree ♪
♪ it's been three long years ♪
♪ how's my pet monkey? ♪
♪ if I don't see
that yellow gibbon ♪
♪ 'round the old oak tree ♪
♪ I'll stay on the truck
and say... ♪
careful here, harold.
Oh, yeah.
♪ and put the blame on me ♪
♪ if I don't see
a yellow gibbon ♪
♪ 'round the old oak tree ♪
/kids cheering/