WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
You know, nothing seems
to bother my wife more
than finding beard
trimmings in the sink.
These little guys are
harder to get rid of
than ants at a picnic.
They never all go
down the drain
and if you try
to wipe them up
you just end up
spreading them around.
This made me think
there must be a faster,
smarter way to deal
with the situation.
Well faster anyway.
So here's what you do,
before starting to
trim your beard
put on a good thick layer
of our old friend gunpowder.
You know in the old days
they used to powder wigs.
This is a lot
more practical.
Okay, step two,
just trim your
beard over the sink
the same way as usual
unless you're a chain smoker
in which case you should
probably be outside
'cause if you're
not you will be.
Don't hate me
because I'm beautiful.
And now with one
last easy step,
you'll not only
please your wife,
you'll whisk her away.
[ cheers and applause ]
[ cheers and applause ]
thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it.
Big, big week up at
the lodge this week.
A big hairy thing was spotted
up near rock reef point.
On no, no, no,
it was like a sasquatch
or a bigfoot --
that kind of thing.
But nobody got a
picture of it
so I'm going to try
and capture it on video.
I don't want to say
anything 'till I have proof
otherwise I could end
up with a big foot
in my big mouth.
Uncle red!
Uncle red!
Somebody stole
my video camera!
[ cheers and applause ]
my video camera --
somebody stole my video
camera which is very weird
because I hid it
like you told me to.
Yeah but you hid it
where I told you to.
Just give me that.
Do you want
the whole thing?
I'm going to need it
back though, harold
because I want to do
a little videotaping.
Have you ever
seen a sasquatch?
Not yeti.
Right? Right?
What?
What?
You're wasting your time.
There's no such
thing as a bigfoot.
Hey, I used to think
there was no such thing
as a big goof... And look.
Did you know
they're offering
a 20000 dollar prize
for anybody
that can catch
one of those
animals on camera?
Wow.
I figure if we
work together,
you know, we
could both win.
Wow, we would each
get 10000 dollars?
I was figuring
I'd get the 20,
you'd get the
camera back.
I guess, yeah.
Oh, I'm just
kidding, I guess.
Okay.
You know, everybody's
going to be looking
for that sasquatch,
you know.
I mean, you're going
to have to have a plan.
Well that's why we need
to be a team, harold,
because one-and-a-half heads
are better than one.
You and me a team,
uncle red?
A team, yeah.
Wow.
That's be great.
Yeah, I'll be
the cameraman.
Okay, what'll I be?
The bait.
[ applause ]
it's time for the
possum lodge word game!
[ cheers and applause ]
and today's winner
receives this coupon
for a weekend
with a grizzly bear.
It's a real,
live, grizzly bear
taken from the wilderness
and brought to your home
for two days and two nights
of non-stop excitement.
Warning: Do not wear
anything salmon coloured.
Okay, bonnie,
cover your ears.
Uncle red, you have 30 seconds
to get my fiancee bonnie
to say this word.
Yeah, all right, harold.
And go!
Okay, bonnie, this person
is the head of the household.
Mom!
No, okay, okay.
In the garden of eden,
what was adam?
Eve's assistant.
No, okay.
If one of the lodge members
does something incredible,
the other guys will say
you are a real...
Idiot!
No, no, no.
Okay, bonnie, what is
the opposite of woman?
Whiner.
Okay, okay.
A girl grows up
to be a woman.
A boy grows
up to be a?
Bigger boy.
No, okay, okay.
Oh, I know.
What has more muscles
than a women?
A seafood casserole.
[ both laughing ]
that's true a little bit.
I'm surrounded here.
Okay, bonnie, you're
going to marry harold
and you're going to make
a what out of him?
A lot of babies.
[ harold panting ]
uncle red, you're
almost out of time.
You should talk.
All right, bonnie.
What am I?
Well, okay...
But I hope you can
take this like a man.
Yes, that's it!
[ applause ]
you know, I saw
something the other day
and it made me
start to think
that maybe
I'm losing it.
What'd you see?
A full length mirror?
Thanks, red.
No, I guy I went to high
school with made the papers.
Oh, I've been in the
papers several times.
Yeah, in the "be on the
lookout for" section.
Any publicity
is good publicity.
They had a big article
about this guy.
Oh yeah, now
I hear you.
Nothing worse than
seeing a big picture
of someone you know
standing in front
of the opening
of their new
mercedes dealership.
No, this guy, he
graduated when I did.
He was in the
obituary section.
Oh my.
Yeah.
My first reaction was a deep,
sincere, cheerful laugh.
You blew it buddy!
Cigarettes don't look
so cool now do they
mr. School president.
Then it hit me
like a wild raccoon.
That guy was three
years younger than me.
Well you said he
graduated when you did.
Yeah and you never
failed a grade?
Anyway, it made me realize
I'm living on borrowed time.
Better than living
on prison time.
I could go just like that.
I could go at any time.
It's beyond my control.
I could just go and
that would be it.
Yeah, well when I feel like
that I take kaopectate.
Look at it this way,
the average person lives
to be 80 years old.
This guy that died
was probably around 40.
That means that you're
going to live to be 120
just to bring the
average up to 80, see?
Oh, yeah, so I am gonna
live to be 120 years old.
That's right.
Okay.
Yeah.
Wow.
I wonder what it'd be
like to be that old?
[ applause ]
you know, for
the past few years,
I've been taking
a lot of grief
about driving around
in a gas guzzler.
Now to me,
it was all talk
but then I filled up
the tank the other day
and it cost the
same as what
I paid for the vehicle
in the first place.
Of course, junior singleton
says look at the bright side,
a full tank of gas doubles
the value of the van.
But when I want
the bright side,
I don't go to junior.
So today on handyman corner,
I'm going to build
an energy-efficient car
that's going to
save me money
and make me look smart.
You know, the key to an
energy-efficient vehicle
is really the weight.
The lower the weight, the
less horsepower you need
which is really why you
never see a 200-pound jockey
and of course, the simplest
way to keep the weight down
is to keep the size down.
Which is way you never see a
six-foot-four jockey either.
Okay, well I've got
the weight down,
I've got the size down
but I've still got
to compromise.
Which is fine, most of the
lodge members welcome
comprising positions.
For example, I'm
running this vehicle
off a floor
polisher motor
powered by a car battery
running through an inverter.
The good news is,
I don't have to buy gas.
The bad news is
I don't have
enough power to
turn the wheels.
So I'm going to use
the chain and sprockets
from this 10-speed bike
to give myself a little
mechanical advantage.
You've seen those guys
riding up a steep hill
where their feet are going
like a hundred miles an hour
and the bike is
only going three
kind of like buster hatfield's
mouth compared to his brain.
Well that's how I'm going
to make this vehicle work.
That's the compromise.
I'm happy to give up speed
to make the vehicle
more efficient.
Am I turning into a dork?
[ laughing like harold ]
well it wasn't easy but
I got my 10-speed chain
drive hooked up,
wired to the car battery
which I mounted here
so this is almost one of
those fancy heated seats.
We're a little cramped
for space on this unit.
Next week I may add
a trailer hitch.
All right, let's take her for
a little test spin, shall we?
Maybe I'll go by
the gas station
and show them how my
thumb can touch my nose
while my fingers do the hula.
[ electrical buzzing ]
[ electrical sparks ]
had a bit of a re-think.
The battery was adding
too much weight
so I got it out of there
and I'm replacing it
with this solar panel.
Then I need somewhere
to mount it
so I got rid of
the car body,
stuck on a dog house.
Okay sure, maybe it's
not as aerodynamic
but at the speed I'm going,
it's not really going
to be an issue.
Bernice is going
to love this.
No more speeding tickets
and the solar panel means
I'll always have to
get home before dark.
So remember, if the women
don't find you handsome --
no, hey buddy, we traded.
[ dog barks ]
[ electrical buzzing ]
[ dog barking ]
I was watching a stand-up
comic on tv the other night
and I noticed a funny thing.
It wasn't his act.
Comedian's don't
tell jokes any more.
It's all observations now.
And here's the difference,
if someone says you
put on a few pounds,
that's an observation.
If they say that just picked
you out on a satellite map,
that's a joke.
But the sort of jokes I
really miss are the classics.
The ones that start
with something good like...
Two penguins walk into a bar
or elmer fudd and heather
locklear are fly-fishing
or a laywer and then pretty
much anything after that.
And a joke is supposed
to have a punchline
like, I've heard of
smoking your bratwurst
but this is ridiculous.
Or sweetheart, I was
talking to the duck
or that's not the canoe
but keep paddling.
Somewhere along the line,
jokes fell out of fashion
and I think it's high time
we brought them back.
And I'm not the only one
who feels that way.
Take my wife, please.
Remember, I'm
pulling for you,
we're all in this together.
[ cheers and applause ]
well, harold and I
are good to go
with our sasquatch hunt
even though we're really
getting razzed about it.
The guys are asking me,
are you going to walk
or ride a unicorn?
But you know, 30 seconds of
video makes a huge difference...
Ask paris hilton.
[ audience laughter ]
harold, are you dressed yet?
Harold: Coming!
Yeah, I'm just the cameraman,
harold's the star.
[ laughter and applause ]
this looks stupid!
Well sure it
looks stupid to us
because we're
not sasquatches.
It's like, normally,
you look goofy to me
but to other people --
okay, that's
a bad example.
[ sarcastically ]
ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Why are you
wearing camouflage?
Well I thought I would
blend into the forest.
I don't want to
spook the sasquatch.
Well maybe just take
your shirt off,
he'll think he's at
a family reunion.
No, no, harold,
you're the bait here.
Okay, you got the
female costume.
You're the attraction.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
Now let me see you walk
like a female bigfoot.
Oh, okay.
No, no, no, no, no.
Harold, harold.
You got to sell it.
You got to sell it.
You got to lead
with the hips.
You've got to
work it, harold,
work it, work it, work it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ cheers and applause ]
that's it, work it,
really work it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!
Back it off a notch,
you're a lady.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
That's good.
Now imaging I'm back over
here with the camera.
Okay.
And then the sasquatch
comes over, sees you.
He grunts a little bit.
Now, he may put his
arms around you
but I want to see
his face, right
so you want to
move him around.
Get him around like that?
Like that?
Right on the camera.
Okay.
[ cheers and applause ]
all right, this is
a bit of a typo.
It should say
we learn me good.
They were having indoor
soccer at the local school.
Luckily it's a
big parking lot.
A lot of time for
me to stop there
and the bunch of us
were going to go in
and take on whatever
team showed up.
We got some skills,
I think.
You know...
Don't judge it by dalton.
So in we go, go right
in to the gym there
and expecting
to see, you know,
a bunch of guys
like ourselves
and instead of that
it's the scrawnist,
most pathetic-looking
team of soccer players
you're ever going to see.
Look at these guys.
[ red laughing ]
but then, you know, they start
kind of moving the ball
and they're kind of --
hey, hey, hey,
these guys aren't --
dalton's going to show
them, this is our style.
Oh, oh...
So we dropped the ball
and got off to kind
of a slow start.
I thought, you know what,
somebody should play
goal don't you think?
I don't think
it should be me.
So winston says he's
going to take over
because he's had some
experience in goal
and yeah...
It was a much better
form missing and then...
So now it's three-nothing
and okay, now four-nothing
now dalton's going to --
no, you get out of there.
Dalton's going to take over.
Now it's five-nothing.
Six, seven, eight-nothing.
All right, so the bunch
of us all go in goal.
Nine-nothing.
Okay so now mike decides
he's going to stay in goal.
We're going to get the best
defense is a great offense
where's the ball?
Where's the ball?
There it is over there
and they take it around
but mike has a great
move, under the shirt.
No, what?
I don't see any ball?
Oh, oh, oh, oh boy.
So the ball comes free.
Winston kicks out to me,
I kick over to dalton.
Now put it in, dalton.
No, no, ohh....
So now we have to chase
the ball down the hall.
I take -- I think the
cafeteria's over this way
yeah, absolutely,
so we get in there.
This is like having 20
more chairs on your team.
So we get it out of there
and it goes down the hall
and we go this way
and I think there's a wall
at that end of the hall.
Yeah, there is.
And we get her going
and then winston lifts one,
hits the ventilating pipe,
knocks it, bounces off
and then down the pipe.
Now we got to follow
the ball all the way down
still it's in our
possession, though
and it takes us all the
way back into the gym.
Looking good, knocks
the vent off that end.
Oh, it's a back
door shot off mike.
11-nothing, wow.
[ cheers and applause ]
there's always a big
premium on waterfront property.
You know, the cottage
right on the beach
will be, like, 40 grand
but you can buy the one
across the street
for 500 bucks.
I'm just talking about real
estate values in our area.
Yours may not be that high.
Of course, what you're paying
for is access to the lake
so you can go fishing
anytime you want.
But what if there was a way
you could still go fishing
even though you were
a fair ways back
from the water?
I've just
converted my flagpole
into an intercontinental,
ballistic fishing rod.
Now I can fish right over
my neighbour's property.
You've heard of the
one that got away?
This'll be the one
from a block away.
I ran the deep
sea fishing line
up through the eyelets
of the flagpole,
hooked the lure
onto the possum van.
Now I just need
to add a little tension.
Bernice always says
I'm good at that.
[ slingshot sound ]
got one!
Drag it right past those
rich, lakeside cottagers.
Drag my fish right past
their snooty noses.
[ red laughing ]
I forgot, they have cats.
Well that was ridiculous.
What a complete moron he is.
No, I don't think you should
judge people, uncle red.
Oh yes you should.
You should judge
people, harold.
If you don't, you end up
spending your whole life
hanging around with idiots.
Yes but so do they.
So we're out in the woods
right in the deep spot
right where the sasquatch
was seen before
and I got the
camera all set up.
Harold's sitting
on a log
and honestly, harold,
you looked good.
Well, you know,
I tried.
Did you like the
way I was sitting?
You know I was sitting --
I was really sitting good.
I tried to be a little coy,
a little naive, you know.
I'm a little available
but not, you know.
You've been practicing
your whole life, harold
so that helps.
And then -- and then --
and then, all of a
sudden out of nowhere
comes the sasquatch.
Well all I can think is,
I hope I can work the camera.
And all I can think of is
I hope it's not mating season.
And he comes over and
he embraces harold
like we rehearsed.
I didn't let him
touch me, uncle red.
Good girl, okay.
And then harold works
him around so I can
get a full frontal
and what do I see?
It's not a bigfoot!
It's not a sasquatch!
It's buster hatfield
in a hairy costume!
Hairy costume!
Making harold and I think
we can pick up an easy 20 g's.
All we got was a
handful of fun fur.
Yeah, you should
have seen him.
He looked really stupid.
He looked goofy is what
he looked like, that guy.
Harold, don't ever
move into a glass house.
Okay.
[ possum squealing ]
oh, meeting time.
Yeah, you go ahead harold.
I'll be right down.
Away you go.
Work it, work it,
work it.
[ cheering and applause ]
so if my wife is watching,
I'll be coming straight
home after the meeting
and you'd think after
spending the whole day
with harold in that costume,
I'd be tired of
seeing a lady bear
but apparently I'm not.
And to the rest of you,
thanks for watching.
On behalf of myself and
harold and the whole gang
up here at possum lodge,
keep your stick on the ice.
[ cheers and applause ]
sit down.
You've got to sit down now.
Sit down.
Sit down in the back.
All rise.
Quando omni flunkus moritati.
Sit down.
Bow your heads
for the man's prayer.
I'm a man
but I can change
if I have to
I guess.
Okay, buster hatfield,
I see you back there.
Stand up, stand up.
All right, buster's
going to give us
a big apology
in a minute
but before he does that
I think we all have to
be mature enough to admit
there is no such thing
as a sasquatch.
Okay, I mean, it's a
figment of our imagination.
It has nothing to do
with any type of reality
and I think it's part
of growing up
and when you're a kid, fine,
there's things like fairies
and there are fairies
but a sasquatch... No.