WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
You know, whenever
I go to a tractor pull
or a monster truck rally,
or whatever,
my wife always tries to
balance it out by forcing me
to go to a play
or a ballet or something.
Oh, sure, I try
to weasel out of it,
but you can only pretend to
have appendicitis so many times
before they catch on.
And you know, I'd be fine if
I could just sit quietly
in my chair
and go to sleep while the guys
in the tights are flitting
around the stage
in their swan costumes.
But, man, she's
watching me like a hawk, eh?
To make sure I'm applauding
at all the right spots,
not just when
it's finally over.
So I have to pretend
I'm enjoying it.
And faking enjoyment
is not something men do.
So here's the answer...
Take the windshield wiper
assembly out of your car
during a dry spell.
Then you wanna thread the
wipers through the elbows
of your sports jacket.
Hook the motor up to one of
these clapper switches,
and power the whole unit from
this homemade battery belt.
Make sure you don't get a short
while you're wearing this,
or your goose is cooked
and so are your giblets.
Now, you can see
how natural this looks.
Now, believe it or not,
these are fake arms.
Yeah, they're attached to my
windshield wiper motor.
My real arms come out
through the elbow holes
and rest comfortably
in my pockets,
clutching my car keys.
I've got the
battery belt on
and everything is controlled
by this clapper switch
hanging around my neck.
Now I can just drop off
into a deep sleep
and dream about drag racing,
while romeo and juliet
take two and a half
hours to kill themselves.
And my wife'll think
I'm paying attention,
because any time anyone within
15 feet of me applauds,
so will I.
Here let me show you.
When it looks like I'm asleep,
you guys clap your hands.
[ snoring ]
[ light applause ]
[ cheers and applause ]
big, big week up
at the lodge this week.
Ranger gord has turned himself
in for psychiatric evaluation.
It's actually good for him
to be with people again.
Kinda tough on the people.
Meanwhile they've asked for
anybody who would take his place
up at the tower
until he comes back.
Who would be crazy enough
to take on that job?
I'm mean, you'd have to --
uncle red, guess what?
I'm subbing in
for ranger gord.
Harold, now, what would make
you decide to do something
like that?
Well, because...
Sometimes when people
are together for a long
period of time,
sometimes, one of those people
takes the other person
for granted.
Well, I don't mind
you taking me for
granted, harold.
You know, you get
up in that tower,
you're not gonna be
able to play any sports;
you're not gonna be
able to go on any dates;
actually,
you'll be fine.
Well, I do appreciate
you worrying about me.
I'm not worried --
okay, yeah, I always
worry about you, harold.
But that had more to do
with what you are than
where you are.
So it doesn't
matter where I am.
Well, no, I -- no.
I just think you should think
about what it's gonna be like
up there all alone
in the tower.
Well, you should think about
what it's gonna be like
all alone here
at the lodge.
You're absolutely right.
I'll give you a ride.
It's time for the
possum lodge word game!
[ cheers and applause ]
tonight's prize is dinner for
two at a new medieval
themed restaurant,
his majesty's blowout.
Eat with your hands in
torchlit dark ages splendour,
as horses relieve themselves
within arm's reach.
No cover,
no minimum.
Okay, red, you've got
30 seconds to get ed --
close your ears --
to say this word...
Yeah, all right,
dalton.
Okay... Go!
Uh, all right, ed,
when you go to a restaurant,
this is something
special you might order...
Curly fries.
No, no.
Think something á l'orange.
Juice?
Okay. Okay.
This is a bird that is very
popular for people to shoot.
Pigeon.
Ed, it's illegal
to shoot pigeons.
You didn't say "legal,"
you said "popular."
okay, okay, think
of the word "quack"
and a large bill.
Cosmetic surgeon.
Okay, oh, no, no.
This is an animated
character, real wacky.
Donald...
Trump.
No, okay, no.
This is something that you
yell out when you're scared.
It rhymes with "luck."
[ laughter ]
I may have to
disqualify myself.
Time's almost up, red!
Yeah, uh --
okay, ed, no.
This is a delicacy,
peking...
Oh, peking!
Red, I've never been to Spain.
Come on!
I'm sorry.
I'm going to have
to duck this one.
This is the repair shop
part of the show we call,
if it ain't broke,
you're not trying.
Joining me today,
we've got local taxi
operator, hap shaughnessy.
What's the
problem, hap?
My dancing shoes.
I got a loose tap.
Yeah, that's always
been my feeling.
You ever see me do
any tap dancing, red?
Every time somebody
asks you a question.
I mean the
old days, m.G.M.
You ever hear of gene kelly
or donald o'connor?
Well, yeah.
I mean, they were real great.
Great and real.
That was all hype.
They were just moving
their feet around
a little.
I'm the one who recorded
all the actual tapping.
So... Made them
sound genuine.
Hap, you make
everyone sound genuine.
All right,
mr. Bojangles.
You're all set.
Let's see you do a
little tap dancing
there, huh?
[ chuckling ]
come on.
Let's see it.
Shoes feel
pretty good.
Just gonna loosen up
the old leg muscles a bit.
[ expert tapping sounds ]
[ applause begins ]
wait a sec.
No, no, no.
Put your foot
up there.
That one right there.
There's a cassette
player here.
Well,
of course it is.
Well, let's see
what's on it.
[ tap dancing sounds ]
well, isn't that the same
routine you just did?
Well, sure it is.
I just recorded it.
[ applause ]
just going over the lodge
expenses from last year.
Apparently we spent 84%
of our hospitality budget
on beer and the
rest on pizza.
I'm telling the guys we gotta
cut down on the cost of pizza.
You're probably thinking,
why don't we just make our own?
Well, that's
not that easy.
You get a bunch of lodge
members in the kitchen
cooking dinner,
now you got that element of
gender ambiguity
that makes a lot of us nervous
about sleeping in a
four-man tent.
So it's better if cook our
pizza in a non-kitchen
environment.
Right now on handyman corner
I'm gonna show you
how to do exactly that,
using something you already
got lying around your house...
I don't mean
your grandfather.
I'm talking about one
of these old record players.
[ coughing ]
one of these older models
with the long spindles
for stacking records on.
Next you need an album
to cook the pizza on that,
preferably something that's
used to lots of cheese.
That's why I went
with william shatner.
Okay, once you
get that on there,
all's you do is take
a pound of pizza dough,
stick that right down
over the spindle.
And you're set to roll.
Now, the beauty
of these old machines,
you get the
78 speed on there.
That way you can get captain
kirk doin' warp speed.
May the centrifugal
force be with you.
Okay, next we use
the same basic principle
to add our tomato sauce
and our pepperoni.
I've actually pre-loaded
the tomato sauce
into this squeezable
ketchup bottle here.
Okay, now, for
our pepperoni,
just take one of these
pepperoni sticks
and drop it down
an old cigar tube.
Now all we have
to do is slice it.
That's why I've got a cigar
cutter mounted on the
bottom end.
Okay, now here
comes the best part.
See, I've taken
this aerosol cheese here
and I've got her hooked up
to this feeder tube.
Now I just attach that to the
underside of my tone arm here,
where my record
needle used to be.
And then I just set
it down to 45 rpm
and let the cheese
play the pizza.
If you like double cheese,
just set her on 33 1/3.
Okay, we're almost
done here.
Now to turn this
baby into an oven,
just duct tape
some old toaster elements
to the underside
of the dust cover.
But if you're one of those
people who likes your
crust extra crispy,
maybe you wanna
go with a cd burner.
Oh, there's a
surefire hit.
And once we slice it,
we'll have
a hit single.
Remember, if the women
don't find you handsome,
they should at
least find you... Handy.
We haven't just
made a great pizza,
we've set a record.
You know, there's a
period in a man's life
when his body
is a dictatorship.
His brain is
the great dictator,
snapping off orders
and ruling his body
with an iron fist.
Oh, sure, there are
occasional uprisings,
but they don't last long.
Generally the body does
whatever the brain
tells it to do.
But then,
as in history,
the loyal subjects
eventually realise
their leader
doesn't have a clue.
And that brings the
great body rebellion --
or as it's also known,
middle age.
I mean, it might
begin slow.
Maybe your stomach starts
refusing delivery
on those midnight
pepperoni pizzas.
Maybe your knees don't want
to go upstairs just now.
Maybe your libido is
mounting an initiative,
but can't find
any volunteers.
That's because you have
a new constitution.
You're not a
dictatorship anymore;
you're a wide open
democracy,
where every muscle, organ,
bone and sinew gets a vote.
Not only is your brain
no longer dictator for life,
but in a few years,
your body parts won't even
be able to agree on anything.
You know what
that leads to...
Bad government,
voter unrest
and saddest of all,
a hanging chad.
Remember
I'm pulling for you.
We're all in this together.
Harold?
Harold!
Uncle red!
What are you doin'?
You're not
gonna jump, are you?
No!
Here, help me up.
Ooh, soft hands.
You use moisturizer?
That's just weird.
You come in here.
You come in here.
Stop foolin'
around like that.
You're gonna go crazy.
I'm fine, really.
It's just --
but you worry about me?
Well, harold,
I come up here,
you're hanging off
the side of the tower.
No, I'm just adjusting
the television antenna.
This is the highest
point in the area.
I can get like 78 channels.
Well, you know, harold,
television is not --
78 channels?
Yeah, 78.
But harold, don't you miss,
like, human conversation,
someone to talk to?
Um, no, I'm pretty
comfortable.
I mean, there's plenty
of books to read
and lots of
food to eat.
Ranger gord said I could
have anything I want --
except the
canned beans.
He says he uses them
as his alarm clock.
You know what, that's not
normal, harold, okay.
I don't want you turning
out like that, okay?
I'm just fine.
I really am.
But if you miss
me that bad,
you know, you want
me back there,
you need me back there,
I am there.
Well, you know -- I'm just
saying that you're up here
in the tower, okay,
and you can start
losing it, you know.
Like, you could
forget what day it is.
What day is it?
It's Sunday.
No, it isn't.
It's Friday.
Okay, that was a bad example.
I think so.
Okay, what I'm saying is
your sanity's up for grabs
in a situation like this.
Well, I appreciate
your concern,
I really do,
but uncle red,
I am just fine.
All right.
All right. Okay.
Okay, that's all
I needed to hear.
Okay, away you go.
No, I stay here.
You go back down
to the lodge.
Yeah, okay. Yeah.
Harold, look,
promise me this,
if you find yourself
goin' bonkers,
you just come on home.
Okay.
Okay, great.
Okay.
Uncle red, you might
wanna take the stairs.
Yeah.
[ applause ]
red:
I was trying to recapture my
youth a little bit last week.
Decided to take
a football out.
It's that time of year.
Just toss the football
around the field,
so I fire one over
towards walter.
Never flinched, you know.
Come on, guys,
let's throw a ball around.
Let's throw a ball around.
C'mon, let's throw a ball.
C'mon, guys,
let's throw a ball.
But no, they got
this electric football deal
where the thing vibrates,
and the players --
how can you be more interested
in that than a real game?
Well, suddenly the
power went off on it.
They don't know
what happened there.
Trying the switch.
And, uh, somehow
the wire had got cut.
I had no idea.
No idea.
But I had a better idea.
Let's do something on
a bigger scale so we
can take part --
so here we have our
own electric football game,
using these gas powered
concrete tampers.
That'll give
you the vibration.
Okay, we'll duct tape you
right on to the unit.
And then, you know,
you pull --
now, this is really,
in all fairness --
don't do
this in the house.
But you can get movin' --
the idea is I'd be
the quarterback,
and they would
just kinda move --
okay, get yourselves --
okay, get an arm free.
Okay -- no, no.
Get away from each other.
Get away.
Get away.
Get away.
That's it. All right.
So it looks like
walter's gettin' open,
so I'm gonna
give walter --
okay, walter, okay.
Here it comes.
Here it comes, walter.
Here it -- oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
All right, bill.
Bill, bill, there we go.
No. No. Eh, no.
All right,
walter, here we go.
Walter, oh, oh, oh --
no. No.
Ah, all right, bill.
Here we go.
Bill. Bill.
Manhole!
Bill, manhole!
Okay, that's pretty
good coverage.
All right -- no, no, walter.
Okay, over here.
Over here.
Garbage can.
Garbage can!
Okay, all right.
Okay, go long.
Go long.
Go long!
Go really long.
Go long.
Okay, not that long.
Ah, serves the cop right
for parkin' there.
And he gets up
onto the shed roof.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Put your arm up.
Put your arm up.
Here it comes.
Here it comes.
Oh, man, look at
the arm on that guy.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, lookin' good.
What?
Oh, it's a little weak.
Oh!
And, uh,
here comes the ball.
Are you okay?
Everything okay, walter?
Yeah, he's got her.
He's got her.
Okay, you know what?
We'll give you seven points.
Hey, bill.
Too late, bill.
Bill, bill.
Bill, bill, game over.
Game over.
Bill, game over.
Game over.
You know, it's human nature
to put up barriers
between ourselves
and others.
That's why they have these
little dividers
on the checkout belt
at the supermarket.
'cause I'll tell you,
there is nothing more
embarrassing
than when a tub of cottage
cheese gets mixed in
with a bag of pork fat.
I mean, seriously,
who eats cottage cheese?
Wouldn't it be great if you
could do the same thing
on the highway,
separate yourself from
those moron tailgaters?
Well, you can.
All you have to do
is get yourself
a couple of these
old security gates.
I got these through
the miracle of bad brakes.
And you attach them
to your back bumper,
using the handyman's
secret weapon.
Put a giant grocery
divider between 'em, see.
And you run a rope
over the roof,
down through
the skylight,
so you can control the whole
unit from the driver's seat.
That way the next time the guy
behind you gets too close,
you can just drop your
man-sized grocery divider
to separate the top sirloin
from the hot dogs.
[ horn honking ]
well, harold hasn't been here
for about a week by now,
and I figure he must be going
right 'round the bend,
right 'round it.
Right 'round --
I bet he's round --
I bet he's r-r-round --
you know, I kinda
miss the goof.
I mean, the weird thing is
junior singleton come over,
and I started talkin' to him
the way I talk to harold.
I thought he was
gonna smack me one.
Harold:
Fire! Fire!
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Oh, here we go.
Yeah, c'mon in,
harold.
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Fire. Fire.
Ow. Hot. Hot.
Harold, that
was my dinner.
Smoked turkey.
Well, you should
be more careful.
[deep voice] only you can
prevent turkey fires.
See?
You've gone loopy.
You need to come back
here to the lodge
where you belong.
Pardon me?
I'm saying you need to
get out of that fire
watchtower --
no, no.
You said I needed
to be back at the lodge...
Where I belong!
Oh, no.
I belong!
That's the nicest
thing you've ever
said to me.
But who's gonna take
my job at the fire
watchtower?
See, this is it, eh.
Buster hadfield bought a
truck off of me without
tellin' his wife,
so he needs a place
to go for a little while.
Oh, boy!
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, you wanted me back
here the whole time,
didn't you?
That's why you
burnt the turkey!
Well, you don't
have a phone, harold.
[ possum squealing ]
meeting time,
uncle red.
Yeah, all right.
Please don't touch me.
Well, it's just
the nicest thing.
Please don't.
No.
A little bit.
A little touch?
A good touch?
An aura touch.
[ applause ]
if my wife watchin',
I'm really hopin' you
didn't see any of that.
We'll check our
auras later on tonight.
And to the rest of you,
thanks for watchin'.
On behalf of myself and loopy
and the rest of the
gang up here at possum lodge,
keep your stick on the ice.
[ cheers and applause ]
okay, everybody,
sit down.
The meeting's coming to order.
Gotta sit down.
All rise.
Quando omni flunkus moritati.
Red: Sit down.
Okay, bow your heads
for the man's prayer.
I'm a man, but I can change,
if I have to,
I guess.
All right, men, I got
good news and I
got bad news.
Uh, harold is back
from the fire tower,
and he hasn't
changed a bit.
Actually, I can't
remember the good news.
Closed captioning performed
by intercaption canada
www.Intercaption.Com