WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
[ gunshots ]
[ bird squawks ]
harold: It's the show they said
that couldn't be done.
Here's the show they said
shouldn't be done.
Here's the show
they said wouldn't be done.
Ha ha!
Here we are, because
they were only obviously right
about the "shouldn't" part.
We're broadcasting
from the north,
the real far north,
where most people don't go.
You know, that really
hard place to get at,
like, on the middle of your back
where you try --
but you can't -- anyway,
that's where we're coming from.
And here's the star of the show,
the man who signs the checks
around here.
And he's in no danger
of getting writer's cramp,
believe me you.
Here he is, the star of the show
and my uncle by birth
and marriage -- in that order --
ladies and gentlemen,
mr. Red green!
Thank you, harold.
Thank you, and,
uh, welcome to possum lodge.
I'm gonna be your, uh, guide
for the mysteries of nature,
like the lodge pole pine tree,
the white-rumped antelope,
and, uh --
and my nephew harold here.
And when people get tired
of that real-nature stuff,
I can just throw in
a little pizzazz.
[ keyboard clacking ]
[ laughs ]
why do you do that,
harold?
Well, it's because it says
right on my résumé
that every show, I promise
to deliver a bunch of pizzazz.
I thought
it said "pizzas."
uncle red,
I'm a television producer.
What would I possibly know
about pizzas?
Try looking in the mirror
sometime, harold.
Anyway, we got
a real fun-filled, uh,
show for you this week.
I mean, it looks good on paper.
Then again,
so did harold's résumé.
Actually, we almost
didn't have a show at all
because a bunch of us, uh,
last night got playing "sorry!".
You know that game?
Oh, that's a good game.
I like the game of "sorry!".
That's a great board game,
that one.
I hope they put it out
on computer one day
'cause then
maybe I could play it, too.
No, no. This is
a different "sorry!".
This is
"possum lodge sorry!".
The way that this works is that,
uh, you got to get up
and do something
that you're gonna be sorry for
when you sober up.
Actually, uh,
buster hadfield won
with his, uh,
eggnog nostril shower.
I think what it is, is he takes
down two full bags of milk,
and he actually swallows
the eggs in the shells.
That's what makes it
such a consistent winner.
And once he won that,
we all, of course,
had to go down to the lake
and wash the bits of nog and egg
and the eggnog even
together off of ourselves.
And, well, once we'd finished
belly flopping
our clothes clean,
moose thompson started
a big fire in the den
so we could all get dried off.
In the den?
Uncle red,
there's no fireplace in the den.
No, no. That's --
that's why we almost
didn't have a show.
You set the floor
on fire?!
Is that what that, like,
smoky stench is in here today?
No, no, no. That's from
stinky peterson's long johns.
We used them to put out
the fire.
Stinky was pretty upset
about it.
I-I guess we should have taken
them off him first.
But other than stinky
being burnt to a crisp
and the den being totaled,
it's really no harm done.
So, without further ado,
let's get the show rolling,
harold.
[ keyboard clacking ]
gin. Again?
I hate cards.
You know, harold, golf would be
a perfect game for you.
I could teach you.
Yeah, I guess you got to carry
the 3 this time.
No. Thank you,
though, bob.
I can't throw the clubs
as far as you can.
That's not on purpose.
That's all accidental.
[ chuckles ]
besides,
if I was on the pro circuit,
I could afford better grips.
Well, actually, my time
is very limited right now.
Oh, my career's,
oh, so demanding.
I got to roll up cable,
burn myself on lights --
things to do.
You got 500.
You win again, bill.
You know, harold,
that's why I work for the
department of natural resources.
I'm able to combine my work
with my hobbies.
You know,
if you play your cards right,
I might be able to get you a job
with the department, too.
[ chuckles ]
and leave show business?
[ laughs ]
bob,
look what I caught today.
A basketball hoop?
Possum lake
is devoid of life.
Congratulations, bob.
While you
and your government buddies
were out duffing around
the back nine,
another lake rolled over.
What do you care, right?
Just another water hazard
as far as you're concerned.
You know, doc, you seem to be
carrying a lot of tension.
Maybe if you got outside
and got some fresh air,
maybe a little exercise,
it might do you
the world of good.
You know, harold, when I first
started fishing out here,
why, the fish would jump
right up out of the lake
and jump
at your bootlaces.
[ chuckles ]
you ever see two pickerel
arguing over
who gets caught first?
You know, some days,
we'd catch so many fish
we couldn't haul them all in.
Have to tie them all together
in kind of a fish raft
and float the boat in
on the fish.
Wow!
Would that ever be neat
to believe.
Yeah.
You know, doc,
you may think
that there's no fish
in that lake,
but I find it's a lot
like life.
You know, people blame their
bad scores on the golf course.
You know, either
the greens are too rough
or the trees are too hard
or, "what idiot
put the first tee
so close
to the parking lot?"
bob, I've been catching fish
since I was 2 years old.
And if I don't reel in
a slew of trout,
it's 'cause
they're not there!
Possum lake's dead, red.
Bob killed it.
Look,
the lake is fine.
The problem is
that in the past 15 years,
the fish
have gotten smarter
and doc here
hasn't been able to keep pace.
Say, uh, what are you doing
today, uh, red?
Well,
he's not going golfing.
And neither are you,
mister --
not until you get out there
and fix the dead sea.
Yeah?
And who are you to tell me
how to spend my work day?
Oh. Well,
I'm a taxpayer, aren't I?
You are?
Sales tax.
Good enough.
Look, I got to be at work.
I've got a tee-off time.
Yeah, well,
don't be surprised
if your game gets interrupted
by a bunch of angry fishermen!
We can do a lot of damage
with 100 pounds of live bait
and an attitude.
Listen,
if you stop me from golfing,
you will be interfering
with government business!
Well, then I'll interfere away,
mister.
Don't you be touching me --
oh, hi, glen.
Hi, glen.
Listen, uh,
what are you doing today?
I got to go into town
with the rv.
Oh.
Well,
when you're in town,
why don't you buy doc
some fish --
something slow and stupid
that bites at anything.
Sure.
Slow and stupid.
Yeah,
y-you should talk, mister!
You should talk!
Oh, I should,
should I?
[ chuckles ] well, he doesn't
know what kind of a fight
I can put up
when he gets his hooks in me.
[ chuckles ]
you can quote me on that one,
bucko.
"slow and stupid."
so, who wants to go
on a shopping safari?
I got to get some tires.
All-season radials.
Well, we're, uh -- we're pretty
booked up today, uh, glen.
Oh. Are you sure?
I got to get six of them.
You know, I got
the double wheels on the back.
I am.
Yeah.
Might have to get a seventh,
actually.
I maybe need a new spare.
[ chuckles ]
well.
Somebody wants to come
with me,
I might be
able to be talked
into getting
that new seventh tire.
Well, uh, you know, glen,
I think harold might be up
for a tire trip.
Oh?
Yep, yep.
Harold!
Harold:
Yes -- yes, sir?
What are you doing,
son?
"solitaire," sir.
[ spoons and guitar playing ]
♪ my daddy
was a poor sharecropper ♪
he cropped things,
and then he shared them.
We were so poor
we couldn't afford windows,
but we had a door that opened
a few inches.
♪ I remember the day
my daddy died ♪
♪ he called me over to his side,
and he said ♪
"who the hell are you?"
that was a disappointment.
Red: This week, uh,
on the "handyman corner,"
I'm gonna show you how you can
turn an old piece of crap,
like this chair,
into a beautiful,
uh, recliner rocker.
You know, to me, anything
that's called a la-z-boy
sounds like my kind
of furniture.
All right, uh, first thing
we have to do is to disconnect,
uh, the back from the seat
right down here.
So we'll -- we'll flop her down.
I guess you could put this
in a vise if you're a purist.
You know,
and we'll just hack this off.
That saw's not very sharp.
We used that one to cut concrete
blocks when we made our wet bar.
I'll just, uh,
switch to the jigsaw.
[ saw whirring ]
there's nothing to it.
[ whirring stops ]
well, there's no --
no blade in that.
Oh, I remember now.
We -- we broke that blade
when we, uh,
made that architect's drafting
table out of an oil tank.
We got lots of power tools here.
No problem.
[ whirring ]
all right, uh, now we got
the back off of here.
Now, uh, why did I do that?
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
We're making
a recliner rocker, yeah.
So we now are gonna reattach,
uh, the back to the seat,
uh, with these hinges.
And done.
So, what we have now
is more of a collapser rocker.
And what we need to do is to,
uh, now install our footrest
that's gonna swing up.
Now, what you want here
is a real nice piece of wood,
something that matches the grain
and the same kind
of general quality
as the rest of the chair.
I couldn't find one.
Uh, so I'm gonna use
this barbecue grill.
I got some cup hooks,
uh, mounted underneath
the chair there,
and it will just hang on there.
And, you know,
you might want to scrape,
uh, some of the mong and fat
and grizzle and feathers
off this thing
if you're gonna sit in this
chair in your good pants.
Okay, now what
we need to put on here
is the supports
for our armrests.
[ clears throat ]
these are -- I got a couple
of shelf brackets here.
We, uh, got a shelf
over in the workshop there,
had four brackets on it.
No shelf needs four brackets,
so I took these two off.
I figured they're not
doing anything anyway.
[ crashing ]
well, I guess I might as well
have taken all four.
Ah, don't worry about it.
Spilled paint dries fast.
Okay, now I'm gonna mount
these, uh, supports on here
using the handyman's
secret weapon, duct tape.
All right.
And now the next step,
uh, we add this, uh,
a.B.S. Drainpipe on here.
Kind of a mixed-media project
we got going
with the plastic, the wood,
and the metal,
and what have you,
and, not to mention, the tape.
And these go on here not only
to serve as armrests,
but also as guides
for the mechanism
that's gonna raise and lower
the foot pedal.
And again, we'll use the, uh,
handyman's secret weapon
to attach these, duct tape.
I'm not -- I'm not quite sure
how much of a secret
it is anymore.
Oh, well.
Well, how's it look?
I've run the sash cord
up through my armrest,
connected it to my seat,
uh, lifting leg lifter,
and then up into the,
uh, eyebolts
that I've hooked into the back
of the chair.
And it was just --
it's a fantastic thing.
When you lean back,
up she comes, as we say.
Just, uh, look at that.
Now the easy part --
upholstering her.
I suppose you could --
uh, you could attach this more
permanent with, uh, staples
or, uh, maybe you want to
duct-tape that on there
or maybe put a screw into it
or whatever.
But, uh, I suggest paperclips,
and that way, you can, you know,
take her off
every two or three years,
give her a shake, you know,
get some of the mong
out of it there.
By golly, she's comfortable,
isn't she?
And just, uh -- just think of
the money that you've saved --
money that would have gone
to a furniture company, huh?
Just lean back. Look at that.
Look at that, huh?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, money that -- money that can
now go to a chiropractor.
Uh, so remember --
if the women
don't find you handsome,
they should at least
find you lying down.
Got some, uh,
cream soda...
And a lovely
microwave bundt cake.
There you go.
Huh?
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Sure you want to.
Nope.
Come on.
No.
Right out the door.
Here we go.
"it is summer.
"I remember when you could
cruise on the river for free.
"last week, I went,
and it cost me $8,000.
"the river was dried up.
The 8 grand
was for boat repairs."
well, everybody's,
uh, pretty concerned
about the lack of marine life
in, uh, possum lake.
I mean, uh, we drink that water,
we bathe in that water,
so we would kind of like to know
what's killing the fish.
Well,
you did say you bathed in it.
[ chuckles ]
well, you know,
that's a thought.
That's all that is --
just a thought.
You know, one of those
cause-and-effect kind of things.
Harold, you know,
when we bathe in the lake,
it adds a whole bunch
of life-forms.
You know, without the stuff
that washes off us,
the algae would probably
starve to death.
Okay.
I-I never considered that.
I mean, who actually knew
that the lack
of personal hygiene
amongst the lodge members,
would, you know --
would be actually benefiting
the possum lake ecosystem?
Yeah.
That's exactly right, harold.
Anyway, uh, doc render wants bob
to join him in a survey
of the bottom of the lake.
And old man sedgwick has,
uh, turned his pickup truck
into a two-man submarine.
[ chuckles ]
how do you turn a pickup
into a submarine?
Well, you park it too close
to the lake.
Wa-a-a-a!
It rolled in, didn't it?
Yeah, it rolled in.
[ laughs ]
so, who's gonna drive --
bob or doc?
Well, they drew straws,
and the one who got the longest
straw used it as an air hose.
Personally, I don't think
they're gonna go.
Well, we have to go,
uncle red --
right into the next segment.
Dive, harold, dive.
Whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop!
How you doing, glen?
Hmm? Oh, hi, red.
How's the
marina business going?
Well, you know,
going nuts.
It's, uh,
busy time of the year.
All right.
Uh, glen, I want to talk to you
about the lake.
Take a look
at these tires, red.
Go on and have a good look,
though.
Get right in there.
They're brand-new tires.
Well, tread looks okay.
Not the tread, red,
the nubs!
You know, the tire nubs,
the little things that stick out
when you get them brand-new
on the side there.
They're like whiskers
or something.
Yeah, yeah.
They're falling off
like I can't believe.
Well, what are you gonna do,
glen?
Go down
to the r.V. Dealership
and cut the nubs off
brand-new tires
and come back here
and glue them onto your tires
every time you want to go
for a ride?
[ laughs ]
what kind of glue would you use
for that, red?
No, I-I'm joking, glen.
How do you mean?
Glen, uh, do you think
there's any fish left
in the lake here?
What, possum lake?
Yeah.
Oh, there's tons of fish
out there still, yeah.
Hmm.
You know, airplane glue.
Airplane glue would do it.
You know, now, doc says
that there's no fish left
in the lake at all.
What is it
with doc and fish?
He's got a fish fixation!
That's not healthy.
No, sir.
You want to go for a ride,
red?
I got to get
some airplane glue.
Uh, no, no.
No, no.
I got to see about getting
the lake restocked with fish.
Well, we'll go to, uh,
the lake-restocking fish place.
Yeah,
where they sell the fish.
Where's that?
I don't know.
But we'll cruise around
till we find one.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
I got to make a couple
of calls first.
I'll --
I'll see you later, glen.
Okay, red, sure.
Yeah.
Whoa, hey.
Tires are made of rubber.
Rubber cement.
Way to go, glen.
Red: And speaking of things
made of rubber,
it's time
for "adventures with bill."
uh, bill had smashed his car
into glen's holding tank there,
and so he was gonna use this to
pretend that his car is on fire
and stuck on the side
of the road
and the various safety --
hmm.
The various, uh,
safety things that you can do
when your car is stuck
on the side of the road.
So he's gonna --
he wants me to pretend
that I've been in an accident
and I'm injured.
You stick your tongue out
when you're injured, apparently.
I didn't know that.
And then he's going to, uh --
he's got some gear here.
He had a bag of something
and a fire extinguisher.
He's gonna take the van
and pretend that, you know,
he's just driving along
and he sees me,
uh, lying there injured.
First thing bill
has to realize...
[ tires screech ]
...Is that "reverse"
starts with an "r."
okay, so,
I'm lying there wondering,
and I look back, and he's coming
30, 40 miles an hour,
and the fire extinguisher
falls down.
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Now he can't se--
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
I'm gonna lie down.
[ coughs ]
well, that gets rid
of the door problem.
[ tires screech ]
then, uh,
things eventually clear up.
And, uh...
I don't think
this is part of the plan,
but you never know with bill.
[ hollow clanging ]
well, that's working well.
So, uh, plan "b."
what we do now is he gets out
his little bag and, uh --
I don't look too impressed
there, do I?
Anyway, he gets -- what he's got
there are some flares.
And you set these flares up
all around your car
so that people
can see them going,
you know, if it's at night.
I had noticed something
about the flares that he had.
They had a word on there that --
I didn't like the look of that
in a big way.
And it suddenly occurred to bill
that maybe these weren't flares.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
[ groans ]
by golly.
Well,
people will notice you there.
And, uh, looks like the car
has gone to a safer place.
So, anyway, bob and doc
kind of chickened out
on the two-man-sub idea,
but they still wanted to inspect
the bottom of possum lake,
so what they did
was they popped a skylight
into the roof of the toolshed
and then flipped it over
into the lake
to use as a glass-bottom boat.
Old man sedgwick went with them
for luck -- bad.
They got out there
about a half a mile,
and they had so many slugs
and leeches
on the underside
of the skylight,
they couldn't see through it.
So bob and doc got down there,
started tapping
on the plexiglas,
trying to knock those things
off there.
Well, old man sedgwick thought
somebody was knocking
on the door,
so he opened it,
and the whole thing sank.
They managed to swim into shore,
so there was
really no harm done,
other than the fact that
old man sedgwick's pickup truck
now has a toolshed in the back.
You know, uncle red,
I heard that bob and doc --
they're still arguing about
the condition of the lake,
and that bob --
he's got conclusive evidence
that he's gonna bring
to the lodge meeting tonight.
Well,
I hope it's not his wife.
Which one?
He had about five.
Wa-a-a!
I hope it's not one
through four.
[ screeching ]
oh, there's the call
of the wild possum.
Come on, uncle red,
let's go lance this boil.
Ha ha!
Harold has the touch of a poet,
doesn't he?
Anyway,
I'll just nip down there --
it should only take a minute --
and I'll either relieve
somebody's embarrassment
or add to it -- whatever seems
in order -- or more fun.
That's what being a leader
is all about.
[ screeching continues ]
[ indistinct conversations ]
all rise!
All:
Quando omni flunkus, moritati.
Uh, the floor recognizes
bob stuyvesant.
Thank you, red.
Well, I've been running
a battery of tests
on the lake water.
I was down at the ministry lab
all afternoon,
and I found that --
uh, well, I was happy to find
that all the water
in possum lake
is fresh, clean, and pure.
[ cheering ]
what in the heck could have
caused that, bob?
Well, nothing, red.
The test that I was doing
shows that the, uh -- the lake
is brimming with marine life.
Yeah, then if people
can't catch fish,
it's because people
can't catch fish.
Well, I took the liberty
of hiring a private laboratory
to run some checks
on the lake myself.
[ chuckles ]
somebody that knows
what they're doing --
a non-golfer.
Possum lake
is totally sterile.
[ murmuring ]
nothing can go
in that water --
not fish, not worms,
not algae.
And what's more,
there are highly toxic levels
of arsenic, palladium,
and mercury.
Oh, yeah?
Let me see this.
Hey, that's the same stuff
I put in my tire wash.
Your what?
My tire wash --
yeah, I-I used it
to get all the germs
and stuff off my tires.
Yeah,
it cleans them right away.
It --
it sterilizes the rubber.
Yeah, it's stuff
I invented myself.
You wouldn't believe some
of the stuff on the road
gets stuck on your tire,
you know?
Are you saying you wash your
tires with this stuff, glen?
Yep.
And then you just rinse it
right into the lake?
Where else, red?
How do you read
this thing?
So possum lake died so you could
have clean whitewalls,
is that it?
Oh, blame me.
Tell me something, bob.
Hmm?
How long do you think
it would take possum lake
to -- to regenerate all the fish
life and everything again?
Well, uh, let's see, uh...
Arsenic, palla-dee-um --
"palladium."
the -- the worst kind.
The mercury -- well,
they're all fairly heavy,
you know, so if the fish
have soaked up
all that stuff and then died,
they've probably gone
to the bottom of the lake.
So it should recover
fairly quickly.
I'd say that the lake will
probably be brimming again
with marine life
in about...Oh, 3,000 years.
Wait, wait, 3,000 years?
That's a long -- 3,000 years?
Well,
that's not very long.
Well, it might not be long
for bob.
He works
for the government.
Now, now, now,
just relax.
The guy that I spoke to
said that, uh,
by seeding the lake
with fingerlings
and plants,
and various bacteria,
well, we could see
the fish coming back
in a couple of months.
[ cheering ]
really?
Yeah.
How does that work?
Now, where do I fish
in the meantime?
Well, I -- I could take you
to where the fish are, doc,
in my r.V.
Oh, yeah?
Like, uh, maybe over
to lake morris, huh?
Well, how about, uh,
the yukon for some salmon?
The yukon! I like the ring
of that! [ laughs ]
I won't even wash the tires
till we get back.
Red: What? What?
Oh, I'm just kidding,
red.
All right, uh, well,
if there's no other
lodge business...
Okay, then I'm gonna call
on glen here
to give us
the evening's entertainment.
[ cheering ]
glen, do you want me to hit
the lights for you?
Yeah, could you get those
on the way out there, red?
Thank you.
"palladium" --
right there.
Harold: These are slides,
are they, glen?
Yes, sir.
Well, I'm sure possum lake
will restock itself gradually.
We'll encourage people to flush
minnows down the toilet,
so that should get
things started.
It's the least we can do,
which is more or less
our specialty.
Anyway, uh,
if my wife is watching,
I'll be coming straight home
after the meeting,
so you might want to set the
electric blanket on "defrost."
so, until next time,
on behalf of myself and harold
and the whole gang up here
at possum lodge,
keep your stick on the ice.
that's the 95 south
right there.
So, uh, where are you
on your way to there?
I'm just going south.
Red, come on, grab a seat.
You didn't miss anything,
red.
This is the 95 south
right here, red.
Going in new England.
I cut out
the other sign there.
Over here?
Yeah, I cut her out.
It was leaning way out,
and I had just one end.
I had to keep
the gas pedal down.
Oh, I'd say 60, 65.
There's a different speed limit
down there, you know.
Harold:
You were breaking the law.