WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
It's "the new red green show"!
Here's the man who wears
his heart on his sleeve
next to his ketchup
and gravy stains,
your hero, my uncle, red green!
(applause and cheering)
woo, woo,
woo!
Boy, harold, huh?
Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
Today I'm going to do
something I really enjoy.
Fishing,
uncle red?
No, I'm going to ross perot's
for a fondue party.
Of course I'm going fishing --
tried to go last Sunday.
There's so many fishermen,
I had to jump up and down
in the boat
just to get her
to touch the water.
That's because reverend frank
closed the church
and left town.
If he ran out of sinners
he can come to the lodge.
No, he went looking for
a bigger church.
I guess he's paid
on commission.
Church is closed and there's
no more Sunday services.
No church on Sunday?
We've got to do something
about that.
What do you care? --
You never went.
No, it's not for me,
it's for the other people.
They gotta be in church
with the fishers of men
so I can be on the lake
with the fishers of trout.
(horns honking)
(geese honking)
(quacking)
(red): You're lookin'
at segments
from this particular show,
the message being,
for gosh sakes,
don't even think about
changing the channel.
You wanna make sense
out of this programme,
you gotta give it
your undivided attention.
I thought we'd place an ad
for a reverend.
The want ads
don't have a classification
for religious leaders.
Maybe under
"business personals".
Maybe under "sales"
or "delivery services".
Why are you dressed like that?
Are the village people
hiring
roadies?
No -- my boy scout troop
is meeting here tonight.
Boy scouts coming to
possum lodge?
Is there a badge for that,
like "indoor survival"?
No --
normally we meet at the church.
But ever since reverend frank
took off,
the church is closed.
Possum lodge is here.
The boy scouts are there.
I figured, you know, whaa ah.
You can't bring
boy scouts to the lodge
just because the reverend
got the flock out of here.
I don't think you want to get
the boy scouts upset.
They have sharp knives
and they know a lot of knots.
I've got to get that church
back open.
Maybe a school bus
will come to town,
one with the flower power
and peace signs
and catch fire and melt.
How would that help?
That's how we got
reverend frank.
(red): Later in the show,
bill and harold are going to
pitch a tent and go camping.
Ooo.
They say two heads
are better than one.
Not those heads, I would say.
This is a little bit
of a preview here.
Harold's got the tent pegs
in there.
I was smart enough to
stay away from this adventure.
What's bill-- oh yeah, ok.
Got the big hammer there.
Harold, what do you think?
You going to hold--
good idea?
You going to hold the pegs?
You're fine, oh, you're fine.
Gosh, come on,
come on, come on.
Part of the ritual
of being a man,
you gotta hold the pegs
for bill.
Watch out.
Oh, you're fine, you're good.
Uh-oh --
oh no, you're fine.
More of that later.
♪ oh, the grass
is wet this morning ♪
♪ it glitters in the sun ♪
♪ it soaks my shoes
and makes me muse ♪
♪ as to whence
the moisture comes ♪
♪ I checked through
all the plumbing ♪
♪ and for leaks
in the watering can ♪
♪ but this h2o
seems to flow from ♪
♪ the hole in the rad
in my van ♪
ok, this is for
some of buster hatfield's chili
and a new set of seat covers.
Uncle red, you have 30 seconds
to get mr. Humphries
to say this word.
"teenager."
oh ha!
And go!
Less than 20 years old.
Good as new.
No, I'm talking about a person
who's less than 20 years old.
Punk.
(laughing)
younger than 20,
older than 12.
Shop-lifter?
(laughing)
this is a general term --
like your daughter.
She's a...
Burden,
a terrible, terrible burden.
(laughing)
she was an infant,
then she became a toddler,
then an adolescent,
and now she's a...
Demon, satan spawn,
devil worshipping--
yes, I know she acts that way.
But that's because
she became this...
Fat.
We're almost out of time.
All right... Dalton,
to you
this person
gets away with murder.
O.J. Simpson!
O.J. Simpson!
Right?!
(laughing and applause)
yeah, o.J.
This week on "handyman corner"
we're gonna do something
to make you feel young again --
because it's dangerous.
I don't mean dangerous
to build.
I'm talking about
dangerous to use.
That's what gets
the juices going --
the adrenalin, the testosterone,
the hydrogen peroxide.
Most of you know
what these are.
With space-age plastic
and no-wax floors,
these units have become
a thing of the past.
You can get 'em real cheap
at a yard sale, even a dump.
You'll need two.
What are we gonna make?
How about
electric rollerblades?
You know young people
and the dumb things
they're doing?
We're one step ahead of them.
First, separate the head
of the unit from the handle.
Use one of
these lubricating sprays.
Very careful
where you put it.
Sometimes there's a hidden
nut or bolt in there.
This will dissolve the rust.
Loosen them to where
they'll come apart
that much easier.
There we go.
Remember a few winters ago
when you said "boy,
I need a winter activity"?
It was probably your wife
that said it, or your doctor.
So you got yourself
some cross-country skis.
Then you came to your senses
and bought a snowmobile.
Here's the good news.
You're going to be able to use
those cross-country skis,
'cause we want to take
the bindings off there
and the boots off there
and attach them to
our floor polishers.
Now, it's probably
a scandinavian bolt.
Could be any kind of thread.
All right, that's fine.
You don't have to feel bad
about doing that to the skis.
If you'd kept skiing,
you probably would have
done this yourself
and probably done
the same thing to your leg.
Tie that on to the top
of the floor polisher
using a bolt and a washer,
or, hey, whatever you like.
There we go.
Take a look at
how this works.
All right, see there?
See how it goes?
Oh!
Did you notice that the brushes
go in opposite directions?
That means the steering
and direction, it's sensitive.
If you wanna go backwards,
lean forward.
You wanna go left, lean right.
Go right, lean left.
Stand up, sit down,
fight, fight, fight.
If you wanna stop,
you would lean
all the way forward
into what I believe they call
a face plant.
We're all set.
Let's go rollerblading.
Oh.
You need a portable
source of electricity,
so I've gotten a bunch of
nine-volt batteries.
There isn't a walkman working
within 50 miles.
When you wire these up,
make sure you have
the same amount of electricity
going to each foot.
I'm ready to go.
Remember, if the women
don't find you handsome,
they should at least
find you handy.
All right, there's a bit
of technique involved.
Guess I need
a little more polish.
(screaming)
ahhh!
Whatever this is,
we got lots more.
I want to talk to
you older guys
about diet and exercise,
'cause if you're like me,
you plan to start exercising
first thing tomorrow morning,
or next week or
the week after that,
but certainly by
the end of the summer.
Course, it's all talk
and no action.
Why is that? --
Because you got no motivation.
Some doctor studied guys
who have had heart attacks.
Usually, when a guy
has his first heart attack
he jumps up
and he starts exercising.
Unbelievable.
They get up there
and they get going.
There's no talk --
it's all action.
Why? -- He's motivated
at that point.
So don't beat yourself up
because you eat too much
or you smoke or drink
or whatever.
Once the old ticker
gives you the, you know,
or they find a lump,
or the doctor holds up
your x-ray and goes "uh-oh,"
then you'll have all
the motivation you need.
Remember, I'm pulling for you.
We're all in this together.
(applause)
I've already received
a couple of applications
for a new reverend
for possum lake.
This one's even got a picture.
"hi, I'm a sun worshipper.
"I believe that
god wants us all to be naked."
(audience laughing)
not you, he doesn't, sir.
Oh, sorry -- ma'am.
(laughing)
what's this one say?
"pope larry--"
(laughing)
(laughing and applause)
(cheering)
it's the high priest
of the incas.
No, it's me, harold.
No, we're having
our morris dance group
meeting here.
Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, we are.
Not dressed like that --
there are laws.
Yes, there are laws,
and there's
a municipal by-law,
that leased you this land,
that stipulates you must
create space for the community.
Since when?
It's in the charter.
Nobody's ever come here before.
No kiddin'! If you had a choice
between the church and here,
where would you go?
Even the satanists
prefer the church.
Who else has dibs
on this place?
Anyone who used the church --
floor hockey league, bingo...
I gotta find
a reverend.
The a.A. Group,
the hymn and howl group,
all sorts of things.
We're gonna have the--
whoo!
What the heck
is this?
Man,
that's loud!
(laughing)
whoa!
(applause and cheering)
the irish dancers will be here.
We got also the...
There's gonna be
the wine and cheese club.
Ohhh!
(laughing and applause)
did I mention
the model airplane club?
No, you didn't!
The model airplane club.
Today we'll hear
from mr. Buzz sherwood.
Buzz?
(clearing throat)
uh, hey, my name's buzz.
(all): Hi, buzz.
And, uh...
I went two weeks
without acting like a guy.
All right!
But it's
hard, eh?
'cause, you know, it's,
you know, seat up before,
put the seat down
when you're done...
But, um...
Last Sunday I had a setback.
I was in the backyard, putting
this gas barbecue together.
Everything was goin' great
but I couldn't figure out
how to attach the burner
to the main unit,
and I just started acting
like a guy.
I said, "there must be
parts missing."
I got more tools
and I got duct tape
and I thought,
"I'll just jerry-rig this
and make it work!"
I thought, "I'll throw it
in the garbage
"and make one
with my bare hands!"
and then the woman
that loves me, she said...
She saved me
with three little words.
"read the instructions."
(audience laughing)
the instructions --
these are like
the extra cards you get
in a new deck.
You throw them out!
It's like the paper
you get in new jeans
that says "inspected
by number 47."
what was I talkin' about?
The instructions.
Oh, right, yeah,
the instructions!
So I read them, right?
And I was doing it wrong.
And then I realized...
This piece of paper
has... Made me realize
I was a failure, and then...
I thought, "no, man,
you're not a failure.
"you would have figured it out
eventually.
"you didn't need
the stupid instructions.
"you would have got it."
then I thought, "well,
reading instructions,
"you're not askin' for help.
"you're cheating."
(laughing)
so I'm not a loser!
I'm a cheater!
And I felt a lot better!
Ohhh!
(red): Back at the tent pegs,
we'll finish up
"adventures with bill".
They're workin' on...
(glass
breaking)
... Workin' on the windows
around the lodge.
It's a new kind of tent
they'll put up.
It's one that's got kind of...
Progress isn't always good.
I don't know
what they call 'em --
umbrella tent or something.
The frame's on the outside.
It's got a lot of spring to it.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Night fell.
Anyway, in they go.
It's one of the great things
about camping.
You don't want too big a tent
because part of the experience
is the bonding feeling you get
by being in a confined--
you don't need--
there are things you take
you really don't need.
The point being
that when you get
into them smaller tents,
maybe a one-man tent
with two men inside,
you don't need as many things
as you might think you do.
Boy, oh, boy -- you find that
you get into a thing where,
you know,
you talk about things
and just...
Oh, my gosh!
What the heck?
What have you got, boys?
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
It's a boy!
All right, then they can
just lay back.
And they can talk about things
and just have that camaraderie
that goes hand in hand
with camping.
(snoring)
now, this-- ok, all right, ok.
All right, harold,
there's a problem.
What you have is
what we like to call a snorer,
also known as "a fist magnet".
In this case, harold's gonna
shine a light in his eyes...
And boy, oh, boy.
One thing about bill, you know?
When he's asleep, he is asleep,
and when he's awake,
he's too much awake, too.
What he's gonna do now...
One thing they've thrown out
is the snorkel-and-mask set,
so he grabs the mask.
Putting that--
sometimes, apparently--
what's that there?
Oh, boy, that would be...
Sort of a mississauga rattler.
Anyway, if you interrupt
the breathing pattern...
There we go.
See, there's a problem--
(snoring)
oh, well, ok, all right.
Not perfect, not perfect.
Harold realizes
that he's got the snorkel.
Put the snorkel in the mouth.
He doesn't grab the snorkel --
he grabs
the assistant snorkel --
in this case, a snake.
Harold, that's a snake.
Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.
See you later, harold.
"the lamb shall lie down
with the lion
"and the bill shall lie down
with the rattler."
here's a love letter to harold
from a lady viewer.
Nice stationery.
We explore the three words
that men find so difficult
to say...
(audience):
"I don't know!"
so true.
Wah, wah!
Joining my uncle red
in the expert portion
is a brand-new person
in the area,
building a cottage here --
successful businessman
mr. Kevin black!
(applause and cheering)
yeah! Welcome.
All righty.
Yeah --
no, no.
I chose this letter
especially for you.
"dear experts, I'm an executive
in a metropolitan area.
"I'm thinking about buying
a cottage around possum lake.
"how could I make a purchase?"
hang on one second.
We should probably
take that to bed,
see how it creases the sheets,
ok, babe?
All right.
(laughing)
guys, right up front,
what I'd like to say is
I think a summer property
is a fantastic idea.
I love this area.
I'll get used to the people.
I recently purchased
1,000 acres of waterfront.
Yeah, kevin here bought
blood point.
It's called bluff point
on the real estate survey map.
The guy who did the map
never lived there.
How are the mosquitoes, kevin?
Oh, they're
fine, fine.
I'm told, of course,
they're not always this bad.
No, they're worse
in the spring.
(harold):
Don't you listen.
It's a beautiful spot.
Nice cottage you're buildin'
and everything.
Is that a swimming pool
you're puttin' in?
No, harold, it's not.
It's a tennis court.
I'm building it
in a stand of cedar trees.
That's a great idea.
You know what
you might want to do?
Just a suggestion, of course.
Put up a real fine mesh
on the fence,
or maybe a sign saying
"no mosquitoes".
(laughing)
that wouldn't work, would it?
(laughing)
I think mr. Black is saying,
"by all means,
come to possum lake
"and buy up the property.
"there's bargain prices
here for you."
let me give you a suggestion.
Don't buy vacant property.
The community's been here
150 years.
If land hasn't been built on,
there's usually a good reason.
(laughing)
here's what you do.
Find the oldest building
in the area,
'cause they had every location
to choose from.
That's the place
on the best spot.
Put an offer in on that one.
Surprisingly, that's
darned good information!
Yes, and you
know what?
I'm interested in this.
I have some investors.
We could have
a limited partnership.
What did you say
was the oldest
building?
Well, the lodge.
(laughing)
well.
(laughing and applause)
good news -- just got off
the phone with reverend frank.
I figured he had a problem
'cause he called collect.
He couldn't get another job.
The churches, they're cuttin'
back with financial things.
They figure it's cheaper
to let everybody go to hell.
Reverend frank is comin' back.
The church--
(barking
and screaming)
(laughing)
what the heck?
Man!
What happened?
Bad reviews?
It wasn't bad reviews!
We were in the basement,
rehearsing
our andrew lloyd webber
version of "cats".
Reow, reow!
Bunch of lodge members
thought it would be funny
to let their dogs
down in there.
They went wild, you know?
The way dogs do -- wild!
I know what
you're sayin'.
We can't do "cats" any more.
We'll have to do
"les miserables".
Well, everything you actors do
is pretty miserable.
(possum squeal)
there's the meeting, harold.
Change your clothes.
I'll be down soon.
You want to clean up your
kitty litter, harold?
Ahhh...
If my wife is watching,
I'm coming straight home
after the meeting.
In keeping with
this religious theme,
if you're in the mood
to guide a lost soul to
a heavenly body, I'm your man.
The rest of you,
thanks for watching.
On behalf of harold
and myself and the gang,
including rum-dum-tigger,
keep your stick on the ice.
(applause and cheering)
(possum squeal)
(harold): All rise.
(possum squeal)
(all): Quando omni flunkus,
moritati.
(red): Sit down.
Harold, start it off.
(harold): The person who stole
the duct tape from my bedroom,
please raise their hand.
The person who taped me
to the bed, raise their hand.
To join
possum lodge
or to get
possum lodge
merchandise,
call...
Or
check out
harold's
home page
on the
internet.
Closed captions
premier subtitling inc.
Boy, this is too much!