The complete transcript for Life Cycle
Opening Scene
{Red walks along outside the lodge, alongside the Possum Van.}
RED GREEN: You know, if you're as fed up scraping ice off your windshield in the winter as I am, well, then, you're pretty ticked. I mean, we can put a man on the moon– And don't give me that El Nino crap! {suddenly stops and holds up hand} Wait a minute. {walks backwards alongside the van back to its back} Lemme start again. {waves hand as he walks backwards} Just edit that, edit that. {starts walking along the van again} If you're as fed up scraping ice off your windshield in the winter as I am, well, try melting it off! How? {reaches driver's side door and opens it} Just top off your windshield washer fluid tank with gasoline!
{Red climbs into the van and closes the door. He then turns on the windshield washer, causing gasoline to spew out onto the windshield.}
RED GREEN: You might wanna use the unleaded gas on that, because fumes from the leaded gas can wreck your brain and affect your... {stops to think} something. And then, to ignite that stuff, just use your cigarette lighter.
{Red takes a cigarette lighter and lights it. He places it over the gas on the windshield, which suddenly bursts into flames. Red then gives a thumbs-up.}
Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's "The Red Green Show"! Ha ha ha! And now, here's the man who put on his pants one breath at a time, your host and hero, but he's my uncle, Red Green!
{Harold points dramatically to the lodge's front door, which opens. Red walks in, waving to the camera. Red nods.}
RED GREEN: Wow! {scratches ears} By golly! Thank you very much. Appreciate it. I didn't think I was gonna get here in time for the show, as a matter of fact. I was running so low on gas, {points behind him with his thumb} I've just been running on fumes in the Possum Van.
HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! Boy, if the Possum Van just ran on fumes, that thing could go forever. It stinks!
RED GREEN: {to Harold} I was trying– Harold, I was trying to stop for gas. {to camera} I thought I'd have time to do that, but I got behind these cycli– You seen the cyclists? {looks upset} They got their spandex long-johns on, {spreads arms out wide} they're taking up the whole lane, they're doing about eleven clicks! {drops arms} So I just plain ran outta time!
HAROLD GREEN: {walks up close to Red} Don't be picking on bike riders! What they do is good for the environment, it's good for their health.
RED GREEN: Not with my attitude, it isn't, Harold. I'm telling ya right now: those cyclists are a nuisance. They shouldn't even be on the road.
HAROLD GREEN: What, what?! Well, they can't ride on the sidewalks, there's no bike lanes. Where are they supposed to ride?
RED GREEN: How does England sound?
HAROLD GREEN: Bikes are way more efficient than cars. They're way more cheaper to run, and they run a lot further, too.
RED GREEN: {wipes nose} All right, all right. {points to Harold} Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? Or do you have that much money?
HAROLD GREEN: {stares} I'll bet you!
RED GREEN: All right, all right, this is good, because the Possum Van right now is completely empty of gas, so that's a good start, okay? So what we'll do is, we have ten dollars each to spend, okay?
HAROLD GREEN: Okay.
RED GREEN: I'll take the Possum Van, you get on your tricycle, all right? And we'll see who goes farthest in a 24-hour period, all right?
HAROLD GREEN: {smiles} Okay, yeah, deal!
RED GREEN: Deal.
HAROLD GREEN: Deal.
{They both shake hands. Harold laughs.}
RED GREEN: Oh, oh, oh. Can you lend me ten bucks?
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, su– {suddenly angry} No!
RED GREEN: All right. {turns and heads for front door as Harold plays switcher to trigger next scene}
The Possum Lodge Word Game
{Harold stands between Red and Mike Hamar at the card table.}
HAROLD GREEN: Time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and tonight's special guest is Mr. Mike Hamar. {Mike waves enthusiastically} Yeah. {picks up a package of beef} And Mike is playing for a special prize of five pounds of chopped beef! {opens lid and sees a note inside on the meat} Yeah! {takes note} It's supplied by Wally's butcher shop! Wally's included a little note here. {reads note} It reads, "If you come across a finger, you can keep it, but he would like the ring back." {slightly uneasy} Oh boy! {closes lid, puts package down and picks up word sign} ...Whoo! Okay! Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Mike Hamar to say this word. {turns word sign around to audience, as Mike covers his ears; word is...} "Shopping". "Shopping".
RED GREEN: All right, Harold, yeah.
{Harold sets the word sign down and steps back. Mike uncovers his ears.}
HAROLD GREEN: Go!
RED GREEN: Alright, Mike, you need something, so you go down to the store and you go...
MIKE HAMAR: ...case the joint?
RED GREEN: No. {rubs nose} Okay. You go in, you pick up what you want, you go to the cash register. Now you are...
MIKE HAMAR: ...running?
RED GREEN: {waves hand back and forth} You know, uh, you see people in the mall? {pretends to hold several things in arms} They've got their arms full of purchases? They are...
MIKE HAMAR: {smiling} ...marks.
RED GREEN: {making a motion across chest} Let's go a different way, Mike. {Harold mimics Red's motion} You know those carts they have out in front of the grocery stores? You see them in the rack there? What are they called?
MIKE HAMAR: Mobile homes?
RED GREEN: {looks up} Okay. This is something people see as fun. They go into a mall and they go...
MIKE HAMAR: {smiling} ...panhandling?
RED GREEN: Okay, okay! But once you've panhandled for a while, you take the money, you go into the mall, and you make a purchase. You are...
MIKE HAMAR: {eagerly} ...in a liquor store?!
HAROLD GREEN: Almost out of time, Uncle Red.
RED GREEN: Okay, Mike! Stores, okay? {holds up a hand and points to each finger on it} You're not browsing, you're not panhandling, you're not shoplifting, you're not casing the joint. You are...
MIKE HAMAR: ...in custody? {Red shakes his head in disappointment} You know what I do, Mr. Green? I say, "Hey, officer, I wasn't doin' nothin' wrong, I was just shoppin'!"
RED GREEN: There you go! {leans forward to ring bell on table}
HAROLD GREEN: Hey!
{Mike makes triumphant gyrations with his arms and cheers as he picks up the package of beef and hugs it close to him.}
Plot Segment 2
{Red walks into the lodge, chuckling and rubbing his hands together.}
RED GREEN: I got a hundred kilometers on my ten bucks worth of gas, and the Possum Van's just starting to sputter now. I'll tell ya, I got Harold beat eight ways to Sunday on this one.
{The front door opens again and Harold walks in. He wears a helmet, a white T-shirt that has a bicycle on it and the word "CYCLING" written on it, and tight biker shorts. He walks rather awkwardly on his tiptoes, making faces as he does so. He walks up close to Red, who puts his hand on his nephew's shoulder.}
RED GREEN: You know, I think you're supposed to leave the seat on the bicycle. {Harold nods slowly} How far have you gone anyway?
HAROLD GREEN: Um, 117 kilometers.
RED GREEN: {shocked} What?!
HAROLD GREEN: Haw! Yes, and I haven't even spent my ten dollars yet.
RED GREEN: {incredulously} You still got all the money?
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, yeah! They run out of lineament.
RED GREEN: {nods} Oh.
HAROLD GREEN: How're you doin'?
RED GREEN: Well, I– I'm– I'm getting there. I'm doin' fine. I'm just warmin' up, actually, Harold. Don't forget, we still got two hours left, {points behind himself with thumb} and I'm not out of gas.
HAROLD GREEN: Well, I pretty much am.
RED GREEN: {chuckles} Yeah, maybe. {holds up index finger} You know, I was thinking, {makes circling motion with both hands} maybe we should have a prize of some kind for this contest?
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, okay, yeah!
RED GREEN: Y'know, if I win, I would really like to have a trophy or something. {smiles}
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, and if I win, we'll, um... we'll exchange vehicles for a day. {Red shrugs} Haw! I'll get– I'll get the Possum Van and you get the bike.
RED GREEN: {shrugs again; smugly} Well, hey, that's fine with me, Harold, 'cause it will never, ever happen. {chuckles} Now, if you'll excuse me... I have a trophy to win.
{Red turns and heads for the lodge front door. Harold then turns slowly around and awkwardly walks to the front door with Red. His shorts and shirt are riding up his rear.}
Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}
RED GREEN: {singing}
- If you find yourself at the gates of Heaven,
- And there doesn't seem to be anyone around...
HAROLD GREEN: {singing in falsetto} Nowhere...
RED GREEN:
- It's probably just a final test to see if you're patient,
- So don't just walk in and sit down.
HAROLD GREEN: Ah-haaa!
Handyman Corner
{Red walks through a house. In one hand, he holds a small box piled high with peppers of all colors. In his other hand, he holds a bag of onions. He walks up to a table, with the Handyman Corner sign next to him.}
RED GREEN: You know, women never get tired of hearing men say those three little words... {puts box of peppers on table; pile collapses and peppers fall everywhere; puts bag of onions on table} "I'll make dinner". {wipes hands together} Especially if the kids have been wailing and fighting all day and the dog's trying to fireproof the furniture. {takes a pot from off the Handyman Corner sign} So today on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you a simple recipe to make the beautiful {sniffs pan} Possum Lodge Fire Engine Chili. {puts pot on table} You know, all chilies pretty much have the same ingredients there, so that's not really the secret of them. {bends down under table and picks up a pile of canned food} The secret... {puts pile of cans on table, but can pile also collapses; some fall on the floor} ...is to make everything in... {bends down to pick up a second pile of canned food, puts it on table, but this pile, too, collapses} ...big batches. Now, it's a lot cheaper. {bends down once again and picks up a tray piled high with ground beef} And, uh, you get to heat the leftovers, which is real handy when you get relatives dropping over unexpectedly. {puts tray on table} You'll want to serve them something that'll convince them they should really leave. {wipes hands together; picks up and stares at pot} You know, I think I'm gonna need a bigger pot.
{Wipe to a later scene. Red has moved the project outdoors. One machine has a can of chili on it, shaking it about. The rest of the chili ingredients are on a worktable behind Red. A pile of peppers is piled high, while a bunch of cans are also stacked high. The ground beef is also piled up, too. Red is cutting through a pepper with a saw. A bunch of other peppers have already been cut into slices.}
RED GREEN: You know, the beauty of this recipe is, if you make enough, you can actually move the whole project outside. That way, you can be more comfortable with your surroundings and your equipment. {piles all the pepper slices onto one end of the saw blade} And you just fire that up on there... {carries the blade over to a pot with steam spewing out} There we go. {pours the peppers into the pot} Get that in. {holds up one index finger} Now for the onions. {starts to saw through an onion, but stops himself} Oh, no, wait a minute. {puts on a pair of safety goggles} Safety first, eh? It's bad enough the guys see you cookin', you don't want 'em to see that you're cryin', too.
{Red starts to cut the onion with the saw. Wipe to a later scene. Red walks up to the pot, holding a paint mixing tool.}
RED GREEN: All right, once you got all the stuff in there, just let her simmer so the ingredients can marry each other. Don't try to talk them out of it. If you didn't listen, neither will they. {puts mixer in pot and turns on mixer to stir up the chili in the pot; then turns it off, leaving mixer in pot} Oh, this is gonna be a good batch.
{Red rubs his hands together. Wipe to a later scene. Red stands next to a huge metal bucket labeled "CHILI POWER".}
RED GREEN: Now, you know there's a wide variety of seasonings that you can use in your chili, just to your own personal taste. {picks up bucket} But I always like to start with the red-hot chili powder. I mean, this is called chili, huh? {shakes bucket over pot of chili, causing a small bit of chili powder to pour out into pot} All right, that's good. Now, what else? Let's see... {looks around, then back to pot of chili} Well, I'll put it a little more in there. {pours more chili powder into pot} Okay, what else we got? {looks around some more, then looks back at pot} Well, {chuckles} it is called chili, huh?
{Red continues to pour a lot more chili powder into the pot of chili. Suddenly, however, he accidentally drops the bucket into the pot. Red recoils slightly, startled.}
RED GREEN: Whoa! {looks into pot; wipes hands together} I'm not going in there. That's– That's fiber. {bends down under work table and picks up a metal container of kerosene} All right, now for my secret ingredient, huh? Kerosene! {the audience voices some concern} Yes. {chuckles and nods, then shakes head} Oh, no, I know what, you're thinking it's poison, right? Well, you know what? The poison part burns off. I'm pretty sure. And it gives the chili a real kick to her, eh? Besides, a little bit of kerosene in a batch this size isn't gonna hurt anybody.
{Red pours some kerosene into the pot of chili, but he accidentally pours too much and accidentally drops the whole container into the pot. Red recoils in shock and wipes his hands together.}
RED GREEN: Oh, this is gonna hurt everybody.
{Wipe to a later scene. Red is using a wood scraper to grate cheese over a bowl of chili.}
RED GREEN: Remember now, presentation is everything. So I suggest you serve the chili in a bowl, {puts cheese down} rather than have the bunch of you just standing in a circle, eating it straight out of the pot. {pushes grated cheese off wood scraper into bowl} Oh! Man! {wipes hands together and picks up bowl} Your wife's gonna love you for this, eh? Nothing says, "My heart burns for you," like Possum Lodge chili.
{Red takes a fork and uses it to stir the chili in the bowl. He then takes a bit of the chili and eats it. He savors it in his mouth. Suddenly, there is the sound of a sizzling. Red stands there.}
RED GREEN: All right, uh, I'm thinking, next time on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you how to turn a Shop-Vac into a stomach pump. {pours chili from bowl back into pot} Until then, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
{Suddenly, the pot of chili starts shaking violently.}
RED GREEN: {calling out} Anybody want any chili? {suddenly, the chili blasts out of the pot like a shot out of a cannon} To go?
Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to take a few minutes to show you middle-aged guys something. {holds up a pair of glasses} When you get too old to memorize the eye chart, it's a lead pipe cinch you're gonna be issued a pair of these. These are called eyeglasses. They're given to people like us so we won't be a safety hazard to the general public. Remember a long time ago you said you'd do it 'til you need glasses? {smiles and nods} Well, guess what? That time has come. So, off you go with your prescription down to the optician there, and besides the fact that you need glasses to see how you look in glasses, you're gonna go crazy trying to find a pair that don't make you look like a geek. Well, I can save you a little bit of time there: all glasses make you look like a geek. But here's the good part: once you're out of the store, it's not your problem, because you're on the inside looking out. So if you need glasses, get 'em! Remember what Dorothy Parker said: "Men who need glasses sometimes make passes at women who are already their wives." Hey, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.
Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the lodge.}
RED GREEN: {laughs} Oh man! {holds up both arms} I am so smart, my brain should be registered in that, uh... {shakes arms as he struggles for words} that place, you know? {scratches side of head; shakes index finger back and forth} You know, they have that, uh... They have that place where they have the things? {holds up one hand} Oh, I had enough gas to just get to the top of Rock Reef Point. Then when the Possum Van stalled, {makes turning motion with hands} I turned her around, and I coasted all the way down! Never went near the brake! I mean, it was a hairy ride, but I added another 37 kilometers to my total! {pounds hand into fist} I'm gonna beat Harold so bad! {pounds hand into fist again}
{The front door opens again. Harold, still wearing his biking outfit from earlier, runs in, awkwardly holding the back bumper of the Possum Van. He walks up to Red.}
RED GREEN: Where have you been?
HAROLD GREEN: Rock Reef Point. {holds up bumper} Here's your back bumper. {they both set down bumper}
RED GREEN: {incredulously} You were on your bicycle, hanging onto my back bumper?!
HAROLD GREEN: Whoo!
RED GREEN: That's cheating, buddy!
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, no, it's not cheating! That was– What I was doing was not– {stammers momentarily} I was monitoring {points at Red} you cheating.
RED GREEN: {shakes head} No, no, no, you slowed me down. I want credit for that.
HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, we landed at the bottom at the same time. That still gives me my seventeen-mile lead. {holds out hand} Therefore, you owe me the keys to the Possum Van, si'l vous plait.
{The audience applauds. Red begrudgingly reaches his hand into his pocket and pulls out his set of car keys. He holds them up to the camera and then gives them to Harold.}
RED GREEN: Treat her nice, Harold.
HAROLD GREEN: 'Kay. {reaches into his sock; pulls out a key from there} Here's the key to my bike. {Red takes the key} That's for the saddlebag. There's a sandwich in there; you can have that. {looks over Red's set of keys} Boy, it's gonna be a real adjustment for you, huh? You haven't been on two wheels in a long time.
RED GREEN: {shrugs} Every time I turn a corner. {turns and leaves}
Men Anonymous
{The Men Anonymous meeting is about to start. Harold stands up at the podium at the head of the meeting. Red is on his left side, Winston Rothschild on his right.}
HAROLD GREEN: Well, welcome to the Men Anonymous, and, uh, as always, I'd like to ask my Uncle Red to come up here and lead us in the Men Anonymous pledge. Uncle Red?
{Harold steps aside as Red takes his place at the podium.}
EVERYONE EXCEPT HAROLD: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.
{Red steps away from the podium. Harold returns to his position there.}
HAROLD GREEN: {holding up both arms} Ooh! All righty, now, uh, just a reminder at Men Anon– Y'know, there will be no names, no last names, no middle names, no nicknames, nothing. Privacy is the utmost, all righty? Okay, tonight's guest speaker, Mr. Winston Rothschild?
{Harold gestures toward Winston, then steps away from the podium as Winston takes his place there.}
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Thank you. Hi, guys.
EVERYONE EXCEPT HAROLD: Hi, Mr. Rothschild.
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Well, as most of you know, I have a sewage and septic-sucking business. Our motto is, "We make sure bygones are bygones." But I had a real breakthrough last week, guys. I was on a flight from Port Asbestos to Hogan's Hump, and, uh, {gestures toward his left} I had a young lady sitting next to me. Now, ordinarily, when I meet a stranger, especially a lady, I just go on and on and on about my line of work, eh? 'Cause I find my career so fascinating! {shrugs} And, I usually have a few humorous anecdotes about the septic-sucking business as a whole. {holds up index finger} Which reminds me: have I told you the one about the boot? You know, up the tube there? {the other men agree excitedly} With the shredding and the... You know, and the pressure pipe comes down and sucks the boot up? {makes a sucking sound, while he and everyone else waves their hand upward} It goes up there, just a-flapping away like... like that? Well, anyway, the point is, I managed to go the entire flight without talking about my business, which, as you know, is other people's business. And no siree, {gestures toward his left} I... I, uh, I asked her questions about herself, and I, uh, I gave her some helpful hints in the event of a plane crash. {holds up index finger} Oh, it was hard, but I'll ya: not once did I even mention the concept of sewage. Even when they brought us our meals!
HAROLD GREEN: All right! {shakes Winston's hand} Congratulations!
Adventures With Bill
| Action on screen | Red's voiceover |
|---|---|
| Bill is straining to pull an ax out of a stump, but to no avail. Red walks up behind Bill. Bill's grip on the ax slips and he stumbles backward into Red. He waves to Red and says, "Hi, Red." Suddenly, the ax mysteriously flies out of the ax and crashes into something off-screen. A cow is heard mooing. | Bill was trying to get an ax out of the stump before I... Just give her a good yank there, Bill. Oh well. Later, maybe. Yeah. Told ya later! |
| Bill waves to the camera and then puts his hands in his overalls. He feels around in his overalls and then slowly pulls out a rope. He removes his hands from his pants and starts pulling out the rope with both hands. A lot of rope comes out. He suddenly jerks out a bit of rope that has a knot on it and then continues pulling. He finally removes the last of the rope from his pants and holds it up proudly. | All right, uh, what are we doing? What's going– What's– Uh-oh, I don't like it when he puts his hands in his pants, but... Better than putting his hands in my pants, I guess. What are you doing? Watch out, easy, easy! Oh! {chuckles} Watch the knots! {laughs} Oh boy, that's a lot of rope for an older gentleman. |
| Bill stretches the rope out taut and holds it up to Red. With a look of uncertainty, Red takes the rope. Bill makes gestures to Red about pulling the rope. Red tugs on his end of the rope and Bill does the same with his end. Bill then pulls very hard on his end, bringing Red forward. Red collides with Bill and they both fall down on the ground. | What do you got in mind here? What're we doing? What're we doing, Bill? What're we doing? Oh, oh, oh! |
| Red and Bill return a moment later. Bill holds up his end of the rope and pretends to pull on it like a tug of war. Red nods and picks up his end of the rope off the ground. He then gestures Bill to go off-screen with his end of the rope. Bill smiles and leaves. Red then runs off the other way. The rope starts unraveling. | I don't think I completely understand or enjoy the game, but thanks for– What? What? Oh, a tug of war! Oh, you want a tug of war, huh? Away you go. You go off. You go that way. You go that way. Don't look back, all right? {chuckles} |
| Red runs up to a parked car while Bill continues to walk off. Red takes some extra rope on his end and drapes it over the car. Red then runs around to the other end of the car and bends down to pick up the rope there. | I got a little plan I'm working on here. {chuckles again} Just a little helper for my end of the rope. Oh boy. Just take a little extra slack and go around the car. Even a K-car, I think, would be better than this. Around there and chuck that under, and... |
| Bill keeps walking with his end of the rope. Suddenly, he accidentally steps in a metal bucket. | ...what I can do is... Yeah. Oh, oh! Oh. Oh. Oh boy. |
| Meanwhile, Red finishes tying his end of the rope around and under the car. He ties it to the door handle and pulls on it to keep it snug. He then walks off, with his hand running along the rope. | Tie her off of the door handle there, and... we're all set. |
| Bill keeps kicking around his foot stuck in the bucket. He finally kicks his foot out so hard that it flies off. It crashes into a window off-screen, which shatters. At the same time, someone is heard crying out in pain. | I think I'm gonna do fine. Get rid of the pail. It's unfortunate. |
| Red continues to feel along his rope and stops, holding his end and looking at the camera briefly with a smile on his face. Bill waves to Red and holds up his end of the end and starts pulling with all his might. The rope, however, doesn't appear to budge. He strains with all his might, running in place as he does so. Red, meanwhile, only pretends to strain and pull on his end of the rope. | All right, Bill, I'm all set. I'm all set. Pull away there, I'm ready. Let 'er go, I'm ready. Oh, I'm ready. Let 'er go, let 'er go. Go ahead, give 'er a yank. Oh. Oh boy. Oh. Oh, oh, ohh! Oh, oh. Here's a grip. |
| Bill continues to strain and pull on his end of the rope as suddenly Harold stumbles up, with the bucket from moments earlier over his head. Bill taps him on the shoulder. Harold, with the bucket over his head, looks toward Bill. Bill removes the bucket from Harold's head and says, "Hi, Harold, how you doing?" Bill waves to him. He gestures him over to his end of the rope. | Oh, oh! Harold? Harold? All right. Harold? Harold, he wants you to– Harold, he wants you to– No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. |
| Red waves to Harold and lets go of his rope to make silly gestures toward him. | Hi, Harold! {laughs} Look at this! {laughs again} Oh boy! |
| Harold takes a hold of Bill's end of the rope with him and they both start tugging with all their might. As they pull, Red notices that they are pulling so hard that the rope, tied to the car, is starting to tip over on its side. | Yeah, yeah. Bring it on, bring it on! Hey, hey! Take it easy, guys! Guys, take it easy! Take it easy now! Take it easy! Guys, take it easy! |
| Harold and Bill discuss something and then, facing the opposite direction, they back up a few inches and then, running hard, both tug on their end of the rope. The rope, tied to Red's car, finally tips over completely, turning upside-down. | Take it easy! C'mon now! Whoa, whoa, whoa! |
| Bill and Harold keep hauling their end of the rope along. The car again starts tipping over, turning right-side-up again. | Whoa, whoa, whoa! Man, oh, man! Oh, oh! Ohh! |
| Suddenly, the car door the rope is tied to breaks off the car and flies through the air. It flies past Red, who watches as the car door crashes into Bill and Harold, who are pinned in the door to a tree, the rope tangled around them. They look out the window of the car door, looking somewhat disheveled. They both give a thumbs-up. Bill says, "We're fine." Harold adds, "Okay, the window is open." | Ohhh, oh! Whoa! You want fries with that? |
Visit With Ranger Gord
{Ranger Gord stands in the lodge basement. Red and Harold stand beside him.}
RANGER GORD: Oh, hi, everybody, I'm Ranger Gord. I'm Mother Nature's best friend. But I'm actually hoping that one day we can be more than just friends. {winks; holds up a cardboard sign reading "FACTS ON FIRE"} I'm here today because Red's asked me to do a scientific demonstration for you. I'm here to rid the world of an old wives' tale. You know, if there's {holds up index finger} one thing I know everything there is to know about, it's about... {stops and looks at sign} Oh yeah, facts on fire! I'm sure Red and Harold can back me up on that one. {Red and Harold discreetly shake their heads} You know, you don't spend up at a fire watchtower without learning one thing, and whatever that one thing is that you've learned, {long pause; somewhat sadly} it's all you've got to cling to. {cheerful again} Anyway, we've all heard the expression, "Fight fire with fire." Well, I am here today to tell you that that does not work, okay? All you get when you fight fire with fire is extra fire. {Harold looks nervous} Now, to prove this point...
{Gord takes out a plastic gas container and pours gasoline all over the sign, much to Red and Harold's alarm.}
RED GREEN: Oh, Gord!
HAROLD GREEN: Oh boy!
RANGER GORD: I'm gonna set this sign on fire, okay? {sets gas container down and picks up flamethrower} And I'm gonna fight this fire by using this flamethrower.
{Gord starts to light up the flamethrower, but Red cuts in a bit close to him. Harold waves his hands nervously.}
RED GREEN: No, uh, Gord, Gord, Gord! Gord, Gord, Gord, Gord, no, you can't!
HAROLD GREEN: {softly, but high-pitched} No fire, no!
RED GREEN: You can't have a fire going on the table!
HAROLD GREEN: No fire, no!
RANGER GORD: {after a brief pause} Okay, well, then, {hands the sign to Harold} Harold can hold the sign–
RED GREEN: No, no, no!
{Harold stammers silently and ducks his head down, behind the sign.}
RED GREEN: Gord, Gord, Gord! {snaps fingers} I got an idea! I got an idea. {Harold lifts his head up} Why don't you prove that you can't fight fire with fire with fire with fire?
RANGER GORD: {stares at Red briefly, then nods} Oh! Okay, I got ya. {sets flamethrower down} All right.
RED GREEN: Really?
RANGER GORD: Yep. {looking into camera} Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is obviously not gonna work out, but I wanna rid the world of another outdoorsman myth: the odds of killing two birds with one stone is astronomical, okay? {holds up index finger} One stone per bird, people. One stone per bird. Thank you.
{Red applauds sarcastically.}
Plot Segment 4
{Harold enters the lodge wearing a cap, a leather jacket and sunglasses. The audience cheers.}
HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah! Yeah. Yeah, just cruisin' the streets of Possum Lake. The ol' van-meister and me checking the girls, chicks– {suddenly stammers} babes, honking the horn, {waves hand} waving, and... them yelling things back at me. It was great! {giggles} I wonder how Uncle Red's doing on the bike? He's been gone forever! Maybe I should've left the monster wheel– training wheels on it. {suddenly hears an offscreen beeping} Oh, excuse me. {walks up to front door and opens it} Yeah?
{Suddenly, Red comes in through the door, riding a motorcycle. He seems quite elated. Harold is quite shocked.}
HAROLD GREEN: What're you–?! Hey! What– You can't be in here with that! {Red tries to turn the motorcycle around} That's not a– Don't! {Red laughs as he moves toward bearskin rug on floor} You're gonna get the bear! {Red bumps rug with bike} You hit the bear! {Red rides his bike up close to the camera, laughing} Uncle Red!
{The audience applauds as Red turns off the motorcycle and looks at Harold.}
RED GREEN: {excited} I love it, Harold, I love it! Huh?
HAROLD GREEN: No, that's not– {to audience} No, don't even do that! Don't encourage him! That's not my bike!
RED GREEN: {shakes his head in frustration} It's a bike, Harold, huh? {gestures toward motorcycle} It's a two-wheeler, that was the deal.
HAROLD GREEN: {agitated} No, you're supposed to be, like, getting in shape and protecting the ozone!
RED GREEN: Harold, this thing gets about a thousand miles to the gallon!
HAROLD GREEN: You are missing the point.
RED GREEN: I don't like points.
HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know what? Maybe I'll just keep the Possum Van.
RED GREEN: {turning motorcycle towards Harold} Maybe I'll just run over your foot.
HAROLD GREEN: {jumping back} No!
{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}
HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time, it's meeting time! {runs toward basement stairs}
RED GREEN: {turning his bike toward stairs} Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. I'll be– I'll be right down there, comin' down to get ya!
HAROLD GREEN: {from basement doorway} You won't get me back here!
RED GREEN: {struggling to turn motorcycle around towards basement} I'll get you, I'll get you. {to camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I'm hoping you'll be my biker chick in my new motorcycle gang, Satan's Second Choice! {to audience} And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, you keep your stick on the ice.
{Red waves and rides his motorcycle toward basement stairs. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Red has come down the stairs on his bike and drives it toward the front of the meeting.}
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, take your seats. Everybody have a– Sit down.
{Red rides his bike up between two aisles of men in the room and brings it up to a stop alongside Harold at the front. Red laughs and holds up his fist in the air triumphantly. The audience cheers.}
RED GREEN: All right, get 'em up, Harold!
HAROLD GREEN: All rise! All rise.
{Everyone stands up, except Red, who remains seated on his motorcycle, and puts their arms over their chests.}
EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.
RED GREEN: Sit down.
{Everyone sits back down, except for Harold, who remains standing.}
HAROLD GREEN: So what do you think? Is it pretty obvious that someone is going through a midlife crisis?
RED GREEN: Who wants to go next?
{The men all raise their hands eagerly and crowd toward Red.}
RED GREEN: All right.