It's A Wonderful Red Green Christmas/Transcript

This is the full transcript for It's A Wonderful Red Green Christmas. See also: Credits.

Opening Scene

{A message reads, "With thanks to CBC North and the people of Yellowknife, NWT". Then the camera fades in on Red, dressed in a jacket, snow boots and wearing skunk-pelt mittens. He shuffles into the scene holding a huge bundle of Christmas-themed lawn ornaments in his arms.}

RED GREEN: You know, every year, I– I put these decorations out on the lawn at Christmas. This time, I thought I'd be a little more ambitious!

{Red walks a few more inches, then slips and falls off the roof he was standing on. The ornaments all come crashing down on top of him.}

Intro

{The Lodge is decorated for Christmas.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's a Wonderful Red Green Christmas! And now, here he is, of course, it's the guy who comes up your roof, my uncle, your host and hero, Red Green!

{Red enters the Lodge wearing a jacket and waves to the audience.}

HAROLD GREEN: All right! That's good!

RED GREEN: Thank you very, very much. Appreciate it, in all the best of the holiday season, to each and every one of you. This is our very first Christmas special. I'd like to apologize, first of all, for being so crass as to take advantage of the whole Christmas thing, and I'd also like to apologize for taking so darn long to think of it!

HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, I really don't think you have to apologize for being insensitive. People have come to expect that of you by now.

RED GREEN: {pointing out Harold} I'm sure you know my nephew, Harold, or as his parents call him, the Ghost of Christmas Past.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} I just think it's so cool! It's so cool, we're getting like a Christmas special! It's so cool! Not a lot of outdoor shows get a Christmas special.

RED GREEN: No, that's right, no. You know, the sports network did a couple: "Trolling for Presents". And the other one was "Frosty the Cold One".

HAROLD GREEN: Well, we're not here to talk about other people's mistakes, we've got lots of our own to show!

RED GREEN: That's right, so you just sit back and lower your standards. You'll have a happier Christmas, and it'll make this a better show!

The Possum Lodge Word Game

HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today, Mr. Mike Hamar gets to play for the opportunity to go to France! {Mike makes excited gestures} Yes! All expenses are paid. {puts on a sign around his neck, reading "FRANCE"} All you have to do is stick out your thumb. {poses like a hitchhiker} Oh, I know what you're thinking, and yes, the return ticket is included. {flips the sign over to read "HOME", and poses again with his other thumb} All right. Mr. Hamar... {picks up word sign} Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Hamar to say this word...

{Harold turns the sign around. It displays on it the word "Giving".}

HAROLD GREEN: "Giving". "Giving".

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {setting sign down on table} Okay, go!

RED GREEN: Uh, all right, Mike, uh, this is something people do at Christmas.

MIKE HAMAR: Argue?

RED GREEN: No, no, no. This is a happy thing, and people do it till it hurts.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, eat!

RED GREEN: Okay. Mike, this is better than just getting...

MIKE HAMAR: Getting... away?

RED GREEN: Okay, you know, they have a saying: "Christmas is the season for..."

MIKE HAMAR: ...lighter sentences.

RED GREEN: Okay, Mike! Okay, Mike. You wrap something up and you give it to somebody. What's that called?

MIKE HAMAR: {ashamed} Selling narcotics.

HAROLD GREEN: {holds up index finger} No! And it's almost out of time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Uh... Oh, I know! I know! There's an expression, okay? "Love is the gift that keeps on..."

MIKE HAMAR: ...requiring medication? My cell mate proved that. He was a very giving person.

RED GREEN: There we go! {rings the bell rapidly while Mike cheers}

Christmas Is... 1

{Red walks along through a snowy environment, dragging a sled along behind him. He wanders through the woods and down a street past a row of small buildings.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is, at least where I come from, snow. Apparently, the Inuit people now had 23 different words for snow. They've invented names for every kind of snow you got. They've got building snow, drifting snow, first snow, salty snow, watery snow, even something called beating snow. This got me wondering, how many names for snow do I know? Let's see, there's packing snow, powder snow, slush, sleet, black ice, flurries, whiteouts, dumped on, buried, and boy, it's really coming down. And there's "it's like a skating rink out there, I don't think I'd better head out in this mess, have you got a spare bed and another eggnog handy?" type of snow. Okay, that's only eleven names for snow. I got plenty more, but I can't say them on television, even in Inuit language.

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying

{Red walks out into the Lodge basement holding a roll of duct tape.}

RED GREEN: This is the repair shop part of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying." {walks over to a bench with a jumbled pile of Christmas lights on it} Joining us today, we got Hap Shaughnessy. What do you got for us there, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, it's my Christmas lights, Red.

RED GREEN: {looking concerned} Oh, boy. Is this an untangle job, or is this... find-that-one-darn-bulb-that's-burned-out job? 'Cause they're both killers.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Nope, nothin'. {holds up a shredded wire in the pile} A rat chewed the plug off.

RED GREEN: {taking wire; amused} Hap, you don't know how to put a plug on a piece of wire? {starts reaching into the pile}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, but every time I try it, the rat bites. {something bites Red's hand.}

RED GREEN: {pulling his hand back} Ow! {shakes and holds his hand} Oh. Aw, Hap! He's still in there, that's the main problem.

{Red gingerly takes the pile of lights and moves it off the edge of the workbench. He shakes it over a trashcan under the workbench.}

RED GREEN: {shaking the lights} Geez, he's really hanging on there. {shakes some more} You may have to do without Christmas lights, Hap.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, no, can't do that. Gotta hang the lights. I invented them.

RED GREEN: {looking puzzled} You invented Christmas lights?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yep. I only tried to save my platoon. On Christmas Day, we were surrounded, out of ammo, and our sergeant, Sergeant... Pepper... He wanted to surrender, but we were holed up in a light bulb factory, so I got this idea of stringing a whole lot of bulbs together, see, and then plugging them in and out real quick. Flash, flash, flash! And from a distance, it looked as though that was the flash of rifles firing. So I kept flashing the lights, the Germans stayed away, and the very next day, General Montgomery decided to give me the Congressional Medal of Honor.

RED GREEN: Now, that's incredible, Hap. A Canadian soldier getting an American medal from a British general. {looks perplexed}

Christmas Is... 2

{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is white snow on the trees, and people decorate their stock with Christmas things, and your breath is... well, you can see it, you know, so it's cold. You know, uh... You know what I mean. Look, okay, I guess this isn't very poetic, but sometimes, y'know, it's good just to give out facts about Christmas without embellishment. Just even– even point out for 'em things that are related to Christmas, like trees and presents and snowmen. Older people need a straightforward kind of approach so they understand what's going on around them. It's also good for people who aren't familiar with Christmas, like the Australians. They just wanna know the facts. If you want the facts, come to me. If you want poetry, read a bumper sticker.

Harold's Christmas Countdown

HAROLD GREEN: You know what I hate about Christmastime even more than fruitcake? {pauses} Nothing. I hate fruitcake. I can't-- It gets stuck in your teeth. You know, like... {makes faces} Well, it's like Groundhog Day or something. But a close second– a close second would be, like, waiting for Christmas Day to come, right? 'Cause I love Christmas, {frustrated, jumping up and down} and it TAKES SO LOOONG! Like, for instance, I wish like today was tomorrow, because that would be, like, one day closer to Christmas, but, y'know, it's not gonna happen, 'cause I gotta wait for today to end, and that's gonna be tomorrow sometime, so I've missed it. So what you gotta do is effectively come up with ways to kill time prior to Christmas actually arriving.

{Harold picks up a long chain made out of red and green construction paper.}

HAROLD GREEN: So each year, what I do is, each year, I create a red and green... {stops suddenly; laughs} Red and green, I said! I didn't even notice that before! That's so cool! {picks up one end of the chain, which has a cartoony reindeer head on it} What I do is this... a red and green, paper chain, reindeer, days left, wall-mounted calendar. And all you have to do is, every day that gets closer to Christmas, you just, y'know, tear off a link. {tears off a link at the other end of the chain} La-la, like that. You see? And now you've effectively killed, like, two seconds, right? It's gone, two seconds. Where'd it go? I don't know, it's gone. So now, all I gotta do is wait, like, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 58 seconds before I can tear off another one, kill some more time. {tears off another link} Just tear it right off like that.

{Harold pauses, looking alarmed.}

HAROLD GREEN: I tore off tomorrow. {pauses again, then gets frustrated again} I'm gonna have NOTHING TO DO tomorrow! {hastily starts reattaching the link with scotch tape} You know what? You know what? I can effectively kill time by putting it all back together, you see? That's what I-- That's how I'll effectively kill time the next little while. And you know what's really interesting about all this, is none of this would even matter if I had a girlfriend. {continues fixing the paper link}

Arnie's Christmas Song

{Arnie is playing a guitar with a splint on his middle finger. The camera slowly pans out to reveal Red blowing across the spout of a gas can and Harold clicking two spoons together.}

ARNIE DOGAN: {singing}

Mama's in the kitchen

Butterin' the hog.

Dad is in the study

Feedin' brandy to the dog.

RED AND HAROLD: Dog.

ARNIE DOGAN:

Grandma and her boyfriend

Are sleepin' kinda late.

Auntie's in the pantry

Puttin' on some weight.

{brief pause, then loudly} I–

EVERYONE: {wildly}

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

I LOVE...{scene ends abruptly}

The Experts

{Harold, Red, Mike and Dalton sit around a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Merry Christmas, and welcome to the Expert portion of the show. This is that part of the show we like to examine those three little words that men find so hard to say: {gestures toward the audience}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah! That's what it was exactly! Okay, joining my Uncle Red on the Expert portion of the show today is– {looks toward Mike and Dalton} Whoa! Two experts in the– Okay! Mr. Mike Hamar and Mr. Dalton Humphrey! {the audience cheers as Mike and Dalton wave; Red claps bemusedly} Wow, that's great! Three whole experts! {giggles} Not quite the Three Wise Men, but... {shrugs}

RED GREEN: {gestures toward Harold, who picks up a letter} Well, at least we still got the expectant virgin.

{Red laughs, and Harold suddenly stops and looks at the camera with a look of annoyance, likely towards his uncle. He then unfolds the letter.}

HAROLD GREEN: Today's letter goes as follows: {reads letter} "I am eight years old, and a lot of my friends have recently told me there's no such thing as a Santa Claus. Please tell me the truth. Is there a Santa Claus?"

DALTON HUMPHREY: Is there a Santa Claus? What kind of question is that? I mean, you might as well ask, "Does Moose Thompson exist?"

MIKE HAMAR: Or if Mr. Green's wife, Bernice, exists.

RED GREEN: Well, Bernice better exist. Otherwise, I've been letting her parents visit for no good reason.

{Red, Mike and Dalton look toward Harold. Harold looks perplexedly toward the camera.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, it'd be a terrible world to live in without Santa Claus.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, you know, I think this letter addresses a good point. I never got any presents from Santa when I was a kid, you know? So maybe he doesn't exist.

RED GREEN: Mike, you were a rotten kid. That's why Santa didn't bring you any presents.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {to Mike, accusingly} You stole my bicycle!

MIKE HAMAR: Well, how do you know it was me?

DALTON HUMPHREY: You used to ride back and forth in front of my house, riding it, {waves hand} waving and laughing.

MIKE HAMAR: {smiles} Oh yeah! {laughs}

RED GREEN: Well, to answer our viewer there, I just like to say that {gestures toward Harold} Harold here exists, so Santa Claus must exist. Otherwise, life isn't fair. {nods and smiles} I'll tell ya, {holds up one hand} Santa Claus exists as surely as Possum Lodge exists. {nods and smiles again}

HAROLD GREEN: I know sometimes it's hard to believe in a chubby guy with a beard, but you'll get used to it. {Red looks toward Harold perplexedly}

Christmas Is... 3

{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is, I guess, sharing, giving something of yourself. Sharing a gift, sharing a meal, sharing some good cheer, maybe even sharing some bad wine. Now, the real intention was probably to share with those less fortunate than me, but those people are always insulted that I think I'm more fortunate than them. Or fortunate at all. So I guess Christmas is the time of year that we feed and invite into our home people who don't need to be fed and have homes of their own. At least, that's what I do. I just focus my generosity on friends and family. That way, there's a better chance of a payback. Or as I call it, sharing.

Red's Christmas Countdown

{Red walks into the same part of the Lodge where Harold had been standing during his Christmas Countdown segment a while ago. On the table in front of him is a sign that reads "Christmas Countdown". Harold's paper chain is hanging next to the door.}

RED GREEN: I do a Christmas countdown thing. It's important to me when Christmas is, because the beer stores are closed. But, uh... {picks up part of Harold's paper chain} I don't like the thing that Harold did, the moose with the links and all that stuff. I'm more of a handyman than a crafty goof. I like the idea of the chain link though, so I say, {reaches under the table and picks up a large steel chain} let's use a real chain.

{Red sets the chain down on the table.}

RED GREEN: Sure, maybe it's heavy, and it's oily and dirty and so on. But you don't have to make it. It's already there. {picks up one end} You just hang that on the wall, {sets it down again and picks up a bolt cutter} and get your bolt cutter, and... {opens the bolt cutter and sets puts it on the end of the chain} Every time a day goes by, you just, uh... {starts trying to cut the chain, making no headway} You just, uh... You just--

{Red struggles with the cutter, then starts pulling down on the handle as hard as he can for a long moment, making faces in the process. The cutter doesn't budge.}

RED GREEN: {gasps, pauses} I'm finished having my family. {tries again to cut the chain with no success; giving up} All right, well, you get the idea on that. Y'know, when you go with the heavier chain, maybe it would be better if you just kinda let a few days go by. {holding up four links} See, if you let four days go by, then you just cut that link. {grabs the link in question} Then all the days-- That's what you do. Just cut every four days. Or... {picks up the other end of the chain} Y'know, what you could do is just hang it up, and wait for all the days to go by. Then on Christmas morning, first thing you do... {sweeps the chain onto the floor} Take the chain down! That's the handyman way! {walks to the exit}

Red's Poetry 1

{In a darkened corner of the lodge, Red and Harold sit together, reading from a book.}

RED GREEN:

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all around the lodge,

Not a vehicle was stirring, not even my Dodge.

HAROLD GREEN:

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In the hopes that they'd stink less if they'd gotten some air.

RED GREEN:

The lodge members were nestled collapsed on their beds,

While visions of hangovers knocked on their heads.

Harold's Christmas Tips

{Harold sits behind a table inside the lodge. On the table is a present, wrapped in duct tape.}

HAROLD GREEN: I want to talk to you young people out there about one of the most important elements of Christmas: the gifts! And I'm not talking about the gifts you get. I'm talking about the ones you're supposed to give, okay? Like, you know, if you're on a limited budget, like I am, you know how difficult it is to spend the amount of money you actually have to the amount of people who are on your list, right? Haw! Yeah? That's hard! And plus, here's a quadrant for ya: how much– how are you gonna know if you spent the same amount of money on the person that you're buying for them that they spent on you? {shrugs and shakes head} You know the way to find out? Find out what they bought ya! {grins and raises eyebrows up and down} And how do you do this, you ask yourself? {giggles} The answer is simplicity itself: tear the house apart when everybody goes out. It's true! Okay, I recommend that you start in the back bedroom closet. Get in there and rifle around, okay? If it's a woman who hides the presents, you know what you do then? You go to rooms where men never go! That's where they hide 'em! These rooms being the laundry room, the pantry, the kitchen. This is excluding the fridge, naturally. {shrugs} Haw! And if you think you're brave enough, look under the kitchen sink. {suddenly looks nervous} Okay, now what happens if you find a present and it's unwrapped? Who's it for? You don't know. Wa-wa-wa! Maybe it's a gift that you kinda asked for and might be something you would want... It's probably yours. You know, 'cause adults have that way of never really grasping the proper present that you wanted. You know, like– like, for instance, you wanted a CD player, but you get, like, a one-slice toaster? You know? {waves hand near head} Adults! You know? Or particularly ugly costume kind of things. You know, like a shirt that's got, like, really puffy sleeves on it, you know, or a sweater with no sleeves? You know? {laughs; points at camera} That's yours. New level problem, okay? What if you find a gift and it's wrapped? {giggles} Okay, now, {puts present in front of him} what I've done is, I brought along an example. This is a gift that my Uncle Red will be giving me this Christmas. So, you get– What you do is you get yourself into a zen-like state, right, to figure it out.

{Harold slowly rolls his eyes upwards and then gets into a zen-like position and starts meditating.}

HAROLD GREEN: {meditating} Howwwww mmmmmmuch is it worth? And then, once you're in that state, you ask yourself a series of questions: can I see through the paper? {looks at present wrapping, all solid brown paper} No. Okay, will one of the seams lift up, that I can just peek in? {lifts up one seam and starts pulling at wrapping, tearing it} Oh! Why is the tape so nice? {paper starts tearing and unwrapping easily} Why does this paper tear so easily? {suddenly stops when he hears the sound of a car approaching and looks around nervously} Do I hear someone pulling up in the driveway? {car door is heard closing; cowers in fear, ducking down} Am I a dead man?!

RED GREEN: {entering the lodge} Harold!

{Red walks up to Harold, who tries to hide the partially-unwrapped present in his arms. Harold then looks up at his uncle innocently. Red looks around and puts his hands on his hips.}

RED GREEN: What are you doing?

HAROLD GREEN: Nothing.

RED GREEN: {scratches neck} Did you find...

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head} No! {shrugs with one hand while hiding present with the other}

RED GREEN: ...a gift?

HAROLD GREEN: No, I– No.

RED GREEN: Didn't find a gift?

HAROLD GREEN: No, I– No!

{Red bends down and picks some of the plain brown wrapping paper that Harold tore off the present. He shows it to Harold.}

RED GREEN: It was wrapped in this kind of paper.

HAROLD GREEN: {gasps, but quickly controls himself} Nope.

RED GREEN: Well, if you do find it, {points to Christmas tree in lodge} put it back under the tree, okay? It's for Bernice. She always peeks at the stuff I get her, {smiles} but I pulled a little trick this year. I put your name on the tag! {turns and leaves}

Handyman Corner

{Red is standing outside the lodge in a lot with several vehicles and a camper in it. He closes the door to a small SUV with a flat tire and walks toward the camera.}

RED GREEN: Christmas is a great family time, isn't it? Really brings the relatives together. What a shame that nobody gets on your nerves faster than your loved ones. Somebody says the wrong thing or looks at somebody the wrong way. Next thing you know, everybody's going home with an eye socket full of mashed potatoes. {walks around a boat on a trailer} You know the best way to avoid that? Get yourself a project that gets you out of the house. Y'know, a handyman's Christmas special. How about making a one-horse open sleigh from a one-hundred-horse open K? {gestures to a nearby car} K-car, that is. Y'know, the open sleigh really was a pioneer version of the convertible. So the first step is to get the roof right off the unit. Actually, I did that using my garage door.

{Cut to a shot above the car. The entire top of the car has been sheared off and is sitting behind the car. The garage door behind it is open at about the same height and is visibly damaged. Red walks up to the car.}

RED GREEN: It's not really as hard as it looks to do that. What you do is, you just come driving out of the garage and accidentally sit on the remote, down with the door, 'cause it just peels it right off... clean, but don't forget to duck. {opens the driver's door} Alright now, we're gonna put an old-fashioned high open sleigh driver's seat into this unit, so all I gotta do is, first of all, get the old seat outta there!

{Red starts pulling the seat out of the car. Wipe to a later scene. Red has succeeded in pulling the seat out of the car. He tosses it aside.}

RED GREEN: There we go. {looks down at the floor} Oh, uh, looks like some of the floor came up with the seat, there. {there is a large hole under the steering wheel} That– No, that's a good thing, because we can see right down through the floor when we're driving. That's always handy. Y'know, if you run over somebody, you get a chance to apologize to them as they go by the hole.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red carries a tall bar chair to the car.}

RED GREEN: We don't actually have any antique sleigh seats, but we do have a lot of tall bar stools. {sets the chair down in the car} The trick is finding an empty one! Especially this time of year. So I'm gonna stick the stool behind the hole, and I'm gonna snug her down there with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. I'll tell ya, the problem, though, is in the cold weather, the duct tape just doesn't stick very well, but here's a trick I learned from my friends up in the Elamites: {removes one hand from mitten} what you do is, you {gestures toward himself} keep the duct tape inside your clothes, next to your skin, and your body heat keeps it sticky. {feels around inside his coat; pulls out something unusual} What the heck is that?

{Wipe to a later scene. The bar stool has been attached firmly to the floor and the rear seat with several long strips of duct tape.}

RED GREEN: There, that's perfect. It took me a little while to find the duct tape, because I had forgotten I had changed my underwear. Y'know, the K-car was never actually built for speed, but even this unit has a few more ponies under the hood than we need for our sleigh. {walks around to the front of the car and lifts the hood} What we want is just to have a one-horse unit, so I think I'm gonna have to unharness a few. {pulls off a spark plug wire} We want a one-horse, {pulls a second wire} one-cylinder, {pulls a third wire, leaving just one attached} open sleigh. {laughs and shuts the hood} Gosh, I hope I'm using one of the cylinders that still works.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red is trying to light an acetylene torch.}

RED GREEN: 'Course, the kids are gonna be bugging ya. Y'know, "Where's the horse? Where's the horse?" And rather than make up some dumb politically correct story about some Christmas horse that goes off to university to avoid a life of manual labor, {laughs} instead of that, we're gonna make a horse. {points to the top of the car, which is now leaning up against the garage door} Out of what's left of the roof. Should be a snap to cut a horse shape out of that.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red puts away the torch. Behind him, the car roof is now has a crude horse-shaped cutout in it.}

RED GREEN: Oh, this turned out great. Look at this thing! {laughs and pulls the horse cutout out of the roof} Oh, baby, yeah! Oh man, that's fantastic!

{Red laughs some more. The remains of the roof fall forward, revealing an identical outline that has been burned into the garage door. Red comes back to look at the door.}

RED GREEN: Y'know, if I'd set the torch a little hotter, I could have cut out two horses. {takes the cutout to the front of the car and looks at it closely} You know, kids have great imaginations, don't they? They see castles in clouds, they see faces in turnips. {holds up cutout} They'll see a horse in that. {sets cutout down on the hood and picks up a pneumatic router} All right, now, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna cut a groove into the hood of the K-car so that I can mount the horse in there good and solid.

{Red starts cutting through the hood. A moment later, the radiator springs a leak and starts spewing coolant off to one side. Red hesitates, then leaves the tool running as he runs away. Wipe to a later scene. Red has mounted the horse cutout to the hood and attached a rope to it. He is tying the ends of the rope to the steering wheel. The engine is running, and Red is now wearing a Santa hat over his usual hat.}

RED GREEN: Now these are obviously the reins here, which I'm gonna use to steer the unit. I gotta run them through the steering wheel so when I wanna turn, I just pull on the rein, and the steering wheel... It won't be a sharp turn, but I'm guessing people will get out of the way. {climbs up into the bar stool and closes the door} All right, now, what I've done is I cranked the idling way up on her there so I don't have to go near the– near the gas pedal at all. {picks up an odd device made from a radio antenna} And I'm gonna use a riding crop to change gears. Well, it's not a real riding crop, this is a radio aerial, but it's a power unit. Look at this. {operates the device, extending and collapsing the antenna, chuckling} Huh? Isn't that beautiful? Actually, I wanted a real riding crop. I went into the store, I says to the guy, "Are the crops in?" Wouldn't even serve me! All right, so– Oh, I know! One other feature I've added to this thing: I added a couple of those little fake poly– uh, foam, polystyrene, plastic candy canes, got 'em hanging down by the wheels. They look like runners, huh? 'Course, now those are just fake runners, because right now, we're mainly going for looks. And I bet we get a few. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {gestures to the fake horse} On Donner! On Blitzen! On Aries!

{Red starts whacking the hood with his "riding crop", then tosses it away and grabs at the gear shift, turning the turn signal on accidentally as the car starts moving forward. He struggles with the ropes as the car passes by the camera.}

Ranger Gord's Christmas Countdown

{Red and Ranger Gord stand in the lodge behind the "Christmas Countdown" table. A calendar and a bowl are placed on the table.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, we're counting down the days until Christmas, and, uh... {gestures toward Gord} Ranger Gord here. {to Gord} Gord, I understand when you were up in the fire watchtower there for eighteen years...

RANGER GORD: Mm-hmm.

RED GREEN: ...I understand you did the advent calendars with the little tabs and the chocolates inside?

RANGER GORD: Absolutely.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: Well, not chocolate inside, but, uh, treats nonetheless. Forest treats.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah.

RANGER GORD: Yeah, treats out of creatures that dropped in the woods. {Red looks perplexed; to camera} You know, folks, I didn't just do the 25 days before Christmas. I did the entire year! Three hundred and eighty-eight days!

RED GREEN: No, Gord, there's only 365 days in a year.

RANGER GORD: {stares} Three hundred and sixty-five?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: {nods} Okay. All right. Yeah. All right, well, that would explain why, after a couple of years, it was hot and sunny at Christmas and cold and snowy in July.

RED GREEN: {nods} Well, that would explain part of it.

RANGER GORD: Well, anyways, folks, now that I'm back in civilization, I have developed a foolproof, extremely simple way of counting down the days before Christmas that make all other ways seem extremely complex by comparison. Now, all my method involves {picks up a permanent marker} is a simple permanent marker, {holds up calendar} a simple calendar, {gestures toward bowl} and a simple bowl filled with broken pieces of spaghetti and metal shavings, filled to the brim with hot, boiling water and stirred very rapidly until it makes a strange noise.

{Long pause as Red stares at Gord.}

RANGER GORD: {holds up index finger} You know what? {clears throat} Let's forget about the bowl right now, {Red nods} because it's not that important. {takes bowl and then pulls back hands} Ow! {shakes hand and then clutches it} Okay. {picks up marker and removes cap} All right, well, here's my method. You simply take the permanent marker, and you cross out all the days between now and Christmas. {crosses out all days on calendar, set on November} Okay? You with me so far? Okay. {sets marker down} Then {picks up eraser} you take the eraser, and you erase the days as they pass.

{Gord tries to erase the first X he made on the calendar. But the ink is permanent and doesn't budge. Gord rubs the eraser vigorously on the calendar, but it only slightly fades the X on it. The paper starts crumpling up. Gord stands back up suddenly.}

RANGER GORD: Okay. Now, as you've probably noticed, a permanent marker is extremely difficult to get out. {Red nods} So you have to rub very vigorously. {continues to rub vigorously, but accidentally tear the calendar page doing so}

RED GREEN: {runs up to stop Gord} Oh, oh, oh! {Gord pulls away; the calendar page is all torn up} All right, all right, so, uh... So now, after you've ripped the calendar, uh, then what?

RANGER GORD: {after a pause} All right, well, after you've ripped the calendar, you decide that you're going to rip out the date instead of using {holds up eraser} the eraser on the permanent marker. Simple, okay?

{Gord starts to rip out the dates on the calendar, one by one, but accidentally tears up the page even further, revealing the next month underneath.}

RED GREEN: {tries to stop Gord} No, okay!

RANGER GORD: {stops} Okay. All right, now that you've ripped out most of the dates, and you've exposed most of January underneath, which really confuses and frustrates you, you, um... {clears throat; suddenly pulls out a matchbook} You take out your matches and set the calendar on fire!

{Gord pulls out a match and leans in close to the calendar to light the match and burn the calendar. But Red leans in and stops Gord.}

RED GREEN: {grabs matches and pulls them away} No, no, no!

RANGER GORD: {throws calendar aside} Okay! Well, you get the idea. Have some fun, okay? {holds up index finger} And remember, only 422 more shopping days 'til Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Red's Poetry 2

{Red and Harold continue to read the story.}

HAROLD GREEN:

And I in my retainer, and Uncle Red in his cap,

Have just crashed on the couch for a post-turkey nap.

RED GREEN:

When out on the lawn, there arose such a smell,

I dashed to the window to see what the he–

HAROLD GREEN: Heck! Heck!

Away to the window, I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters, which fell off and would smash...

RED GREEN:

The moon on the crest of the new-fallen snow

Couldn't hide where the septics had all overflowed.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a minivan full of women and beer.

With a little old driver in vinyl and artificial fleece,

I knew in a flash it was my wife Bernice.

Midlife

RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older guys about telling the truth. The truth about Santa. You know, some naïve kid is going to ask you, "Should I believe in Santa?" Well, you gotta look him straight in the eye and say, "Yes, Harold." Of course you believe in Santa. What's not to believe? Y'know, Santa's a pretty normal, average guy. Spends 99% of his time squirreled away in his workshop, making stuff that's only good enough to give away. I know lots of guys like that. He's got all these little helpers that do all the work. We all have those. Then every Christmas, he loads up way too many gifts and drives all over Kingdom Come delivering them. That sound familiar to you at all? And everywhere he goes, he expects some snacks and a drink? So do I! And when it comes to the choice of doing things the easy way or the hard way, he chooses the hard way every time. Door versus chimney, need I say more? Hey, he's just one of us, eh? Plus he's fat, he's balding, and he wears his long red underwear. That sounds like half the Lodge to me! So when a kid asks you if there's a Santa Claus, say "Heck, yeah! There's probably a couple in your own family!" Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying 2

{Red walks out into the Lodge basement holding a roll of duct tape.}

RED GREEN: Joining me today, we got, uh, Edgar Montrose. {walks up to Edgar standing behind a bench with a snow cannon on it} Merry Christmas, Edgar! Yeah.

{The audience applauds as Red and Edgar wave.}

RED GREEN: So what do you got for us today?

EDGAR MONTROSE: {nodding} That's right, usually at this time of year. {Red looks perplexed} Well, first off, {hands Red a cylindrically-wrapped present} I have a gift for you, Red.

RED GREEN: {taking present} Sure.

EDGAR MONTROSE: It's a little something I call the Christmas cracker.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

EDGAR MONTROSE: My own idea.

RED GREEN: {examining gift} Oh. {laughs} No, no, no. Edgar, no offense, but, you know, lots of people have had firecrackers.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Yes, but do they use the mercury detonator?

RED GREEN: {suddenly nervously sets cracker on bench} No, that's, uh, that– that's all you. {Edgar nods} Yeah, yeah.

EDGAR MONTROSE: No, Red, I– I'm here {gestures toward snow cannon} because my snow cannon isn't working.

RED GREEN: {taking snow cannon} Snow cannon! Boy, that's, uh, that sounds cute. How's– How's that work?

EDGAR MONTROSE: {bending down under bench} Well, normally, {about to push a button} when you push down here, it sends snow out and sprinkles across the yard.

{Edgar pushes the button. Suddenly, a blast of white smoke shoots out of the cannon. Red recoils from the shock, dropping the cannon on the table. Edgar looks surprised.}

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh! {looks offscreen, then down at cannon} Oh, gee, thanks, Red! That's a good repair! Uh, what did you do?

RED GREEN: {rubbing his nose} I made a little adjustment just right now.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, by golly, if there's anything I can do to return the favor...

RED GREEN: Oh, as a matter of fact, you can– I gotta decorate the tree here. {gestures toward a bare Christmas tree in the corner} I gotta decorate the tree, and that's long job. Can you help me out with that, Edgar?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, you're in luck, 'cause today, I got my Howitzer Holiday Special with me. {nods}

RED GREEN: Howitzer Holiday Special? {Edgar nods} That sounds interesting.

EDGAR MONTROSE: {picks up some tinfoil on the workbench} Boy, this baby can tinsel a tree faster than you can call 911. {puts tinfoil inside cannon} You just load it up with some tinfoil... {aims cannon in direction of tree} You take aim... {picks up button} And you fire!

{Edgar pushes the button. The cannon fires the tinfoil at the tree. The blast shreds the foil as it hits the tree. It is shredded now so that it looks tinsel. Red and Edgar look at the tinfoil-turned-tinsel adorning the Christmas tree.}

Christmas Is... 4

{Red continues to walk along, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is a yule log. Well, it used to be, anyway. Guys would chop down the biggest tree they can find and haul it home and burn it all through Christmas. That was okay if you had a fireplace the size of a Buick, but a real safety hazard if you convert it to natural gas, I'll tell ya. Today, of course, a yule log is an ice cream roll filled with candied fruit. As you tamp that sucker down on top of the five pounds of turkey, stuffing, potatoes and gravy you ate, and you'll definitely get a burn that'll last through Christmas. Plus, you might not have a choice about converting to natural gas. Just don't stand too close to the fireplace.

Ranger Gord's Christmas Story

{Gord sits in a rocking chair in a corner of the lodge. He has a blanket over his legs and a book in his lap. His shoes are off.}

RANGER GORD: Oh, hello, boys and girls. I'd like to share with you today a brand-new Christmas tradition. Now, this is an ancient Christmas story that I wrote just a few days ago. Now, you've probably never been to a fire watchtower like I've been for the past eighteen years, so you don't know what it's like to wake up Christmas morning, alone, all excited, and then run downstairs to unwrap your laundry, and find out most of it's not for you. Year after year. {slight pause, then suddenly picks up book} Anyway, here's the story. {opens book and clears throat} Are you ready? {starts reading} "Once upon a time... well, about 246 days ago, really, there was a tall rodent named Gord, who had a Christmas wish not to be hit by lightning. It had happened so many Christmases before. Gord would be celebrating Christmas and would be right in the middle of the second verse of 'Jingle Bell Rock', when ZING! Like a lightning bolt, came a lightning bolt. It didn't stay long, but it always ruined his Christmas. It singed Gord's eyelashes and forced him to spend Boxing Day with the smell of burnt hair. How Gord prayed this year would be different. Day in and day out, this slender and, in many ways, attractive rodent, Gord–" {stops reading briefly as the audience laughs, while he looks at them suggestively} "–would stand atop his tower eating nothing but canned creamed corn and slow-moving insects, as he waited for Christmas to arrive. Finally, right after Christmas Eve, it arrived. The wind came up and the storm began. But this time, little Gord was not hit by lightning. Instead, he was hit by his own tower. Like so many of us, he was downsized." {closes book} And a first, too. Merry Christmas. {salutes}

Segue: Arnie Dogan

{Arnie, Red and Harold continue to sing Arnie's song with him.}

EVERYONE: {singing wildly}

I LOVE CHRISTMAS! {scene ends abruptly}

The Experts 2

{Harold, Red and Dalton sit around a table. Harold takes out a letter.}

HAROLD GREEN: All right, on the Expert portion, joining us is Mr. Dalton Humphrey from the Humphrey Everything Store! {gestures toward Dalton}

{Dalton waves as the audience applauds. Harold opens up the letter.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, and our– and our letter goes as follows: {reads} "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Dalton} La-la-la! {resumes reading} "It's Christmastime once again. Every year, we hear about how Christmas has become too commercial, and we have lost sight of its true meaning. Can you tell me the best way to celebrate Christmas in order to remain true to what it's really all about? Signed, Bewildered."

DALTON HUMPHREY: {as Harold finishes} Okay! {holds up index finger} This one's mine. Sorry to jump in there...

HAROLD GREEN: {overlapping} Okay.

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...but this is something that I'm actually qualified to offer an opinion on.

RED GREEN: Oh boy, here's a first.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. You hate Christmas, Mr. Humphrey! What makes you an expert?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, Harold, you know, every year, I try to come up with excuses to avoid celebrating the darn thing, you know, and I've learned an awful lot about the traditions more than most people, you know, and I'm telling you some of the truths behind the things we do to celebrate Christmas that would curl your hair, Red!

HAROLD GREEN: Whatever that is, now.

RED GREEN: {turns to Harold sharply} Hey, hey, hey!

HAROLD GREEN: {covering his mouth} I'm sorry.

RED GREEN: {back to Dalton, waving hand} So you've been going through all the traditions of Christmas and looking for a loophole, eh, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, now, take your tree, for instance. We will have no tree at our house this year. And I've got a good reason for it.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, it's a sheer waste of trees and the land they're growing on, huh? {nods}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, worse than that, Harold! You know, the decorating of the pine tree didn't start in the Bible, my naive young friend! No, no, it was with the ancient Druids. {nods} Yes, those egg-toting, Stonehenge-building, tree-worshiping {suddenly shouts; leans in close to Red and Harold} PAGANS! {Harold looks slightly startled}

RED GREEN: So, no tree?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {raises hand} No! There was no Scotch pine, there was no extruded aluminum tree at the manger! At least in my holiday edition, it wasn't there.

RED GREEN: {scratches neck} So, um... {makes circling motion with hand} how's this whole theory sitting with the rest of the Humphrey clan?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, now, I expect there's gonna be some minor resistance to overcome, {Red nods} but, you know, I believe the common sense will prevail when I explain to them that I'm just trying to protect them from participating in pre-Christian voodoo. No Pagan rituals at our house. No little, red, fat man in a suit. There'll be no mutant reindeers with radioactive noses. You know, those people didn't have stockings. You don't need stocking stuffers!

RED GREEN: {rubs arm} You know, Dalton, I'm not a psychiatrist, but I think you finally have all four wheels off the road. {nods}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Now, now... Now, listen to this, Red. Did you know that the tradition of hanging mistletoe goes back to the ancient Druids, too?

HAROLD GREEN: Are you sure, Mr. Humphrey?

DALTON HUMPHREY: As sure as I am that great music starts fast, then slows down, then speeds up again. {Red nods slowly, then shakes head slightly} That's right! We will be celebrating the true elements of the original Christmas in our house: big turkey dinner with all the trimmings and that's it! {looks smug}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I think you might want to keep some of that mistletoe around. If you're not celebrating or buying anybody gifts, you can kiss your marriage goodbye.

Christmas Is... 5

{Red continues to walk along, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is no surprises. You know the toys will be open by 7AM, causing fights by 9 and broken by 10. You know the kids will be cranky by noon, the in-laws will arrive by 2, and you'll be hiding in the basement by 2:30. You know you'll get fifteen minutes of peace on earth before your brother-in-law finds you sulking behind the furnace. You know you'll have dinner at 4PM when no one's hungry, but they'll all still eat like a chain gang on a day pass. And you know by 10 you'll be reeking of Christmas cheer, shouting at the cops as you try to explain the gunshot holes in your neighbor's lawn ornaments.

Winston's Christmas Tips

{Winston stands behind a table in the lodge basement. On the table are a baby rattle, a toy car, and a shovel.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Winston Rothschild here from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, where our new motto is, "Whenever you call it, I'll up and haul it." Yeah, that officially replaces our old motto, "We do it all so you can, too." You know, with the holidays upon us, uh, I'd just like to take some time to remind you that the gift you give a kid is so important. It's almost as important as the other stuff people give you. You know, I'll never forget when I was seven at Christmas. I got three gifts: {points to all three objects, one by one} a toy rattle, a toy car, and a shovel. {picks up rattle} Now, the rattle was given to me by my Aunt Yeardley. You know, I'll never really understand what a person is doing giving a rattle to a seven-year-old. You know, I know was short for my age, but I mean, geeze, {points to mouth} I had a full rack of teeth, and I could belch louder than my dad, eh? {looks annoyed} But in fairness to dear auntie, I don't think she knew how old I was anyway. She lived way out of town, and {looks puzzled} she was on this special medication that she'd make from potatoes. {shakes head} Weird. {picks up car} Now, the toy car was given to me by my friend next door, eh? And I really liked it at first, but, uh, after a month or so, I just kinda stopped playing with it and decided to go back to school. {puts down car and picks up shovel} The best gift of all was this shovel my parents gave me. Yeah. I used to dig and dig for hours with this shovel. Until they finally kicked me out to the backyard, eh? And that's where I found out what a septic system's all about, eh? {looks somewhat ashamed} And what happened to our dog Lucky. {hangs head briefly, then brightens up again} Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is, when you're getting a gift for a kid, {holds up rattle} don't get him something that suited him yesterday. {holds up car} Don't even get him something that'll suited him today. {holds up shovel} Get him something that'll suit him for tomorrow! Thanks, Dad, 'cause you know something? Every time I hear that final {mimics sucking sound} when I'm pumping out a tank, {points at camera} I think of you!

Segue: Arnie Dogan

{Arnie, Red and Harold continue to sing Arnie's song with him.}

EVERYONE: {singing wildly}

I LOVE CHRISTMAS! {scene ends abruptly}

Red's Poetry 3

{Red and Harold continue to read the story.}

HAROLD GREEN:

One old lady had her mouth drawn up like a bow,

And the hair on her mole was as white as the snow.

RED GREEN:

Another was hammered, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when she belched, in spite of myself.

HAROLD GREEN:

They spoke a few words and went straight to the kitchen,

While the guys started waking up, scratchin' and itchin'.

RED GREEN:

They brought turkey and sausages, kippers and trout.

HAROLD GREEN:

They said, "Have fun, boys, 'cause tonight is ladies' night out!"

RED GREEN:

They sprang to the magic wagon, to the horn gave a honk,

And away they putt-puttered to go out and get staunt.

HAROLD GREEN:

And I heard them exclaim as they drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all!"

RED AND HAROLD: {in unison}

"Be home early tonight!"

Adventures With Bill

Action on screen	Red's voiceover
Red walks up to Bill, who is holding a toboggan next to a car and is wearing snow shoes. Bill points at the toboggan, then waves at Red and the camera. He points at his foot and tries to pick it up. The snow shoe is caught under a tire.	Something a little bit special for this show. A Christmas adventure with Bill. Yeah, Bill, how ya doin'? What's the problem, huh? Oh, he's got the car parked on the snow shoe.
Bill keeps trying to free his foot. Both men look at the camera. Bill smiles and points at his head, tosses down the toboggan, then tries to lift the wheel. Red opens the driver's door and gets into the car.	Why don't you just move the car, Bill? I'll move the car? What have you got? ... Oh, don't lift, don't lift that. Just move it, that's easy, just move it. {laughs} Bill always wants to do things the hard way.
Red starts the car and backs it up off Bill's snow shoe, causing Bill to snap off the panel he was holding on to. Bill looks oddly at the panel while Red puts the car in park and gets out again. Bill tosses the panel down onto Red's foot, and Red walks around in pain for a moment.	Yeah. That's good Bill. Augh! {makes pained noises}
Cut to a later scene: Red walks in front of a set of trees. Bill follows him with his toboggan, walking awkwardly in his snow shoes. Red turns to look at the trees, and Bill turns to do the same but hits Red in the butt with the sled. He acts as though he doesn't know what happened, then looks upward. The camera points to the top of a very tall tree.	All right, what we're out to do, actually, is to get ourselves a Christmas tree. A big one, a big tree for the lodge. Now these are– Oh! And that's what the toboggan's all about. We're gonna haul her home there, and, well... No, Bill, that's too, that's too big. That's too big.
Bill tries to toss the sled away and falls backward. Red moves to help him up, but Bill kicks his leg outward and his snow shoe hits Red in the face, knocking him backward.	We'll never get that. We'll never get that up in the lodge. Oh! Got a little bit of gravit– Ooo!
Cut to a later scene: Bill has taken off his snow shoes and pulls an axe out of his jacket. Red leans out of the way until Bill hands the axe to him. He struggles with his jacket for a bit, then pulls out a second, double-bladed axe. Bill looks smug and grins at the camera.	It's gonna be a long day, I think. Oh, he's... got an axe in his pants. I guess that's better than having an accident in your pants. He's got two... Oh my golly, that's a... Size matters, huh, Bill?
Bill runs up to the tree and takes a wild swing at it, whacking the handle against the tree. The axe blade breaks off and flies straight at Red. Red ducks and the axe head embeds itself into a nearby tree. Red stands up again, glances at the camera and then the tree, then back to the camera, looking bewildered.	Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh! Bill! Axe head! Axe head! Incoming! Oh... y'know, that coulda hurt.
Bill looks at his broken axe handle and looks around for the blade. Red walks up and gets his attention, then points to the tree where the blade went. Bill looks sheepish, then has an idea. He hands the handle to Red and moves to climb the tree. Red winds up a swing at Bill's rear, then decides against it.	So Bill? You almost killed me. Just thought you should know. ...Well, I accept your apology. Oh, he's got an idea, and so do I. No no, can't do that. Not in front of the cameras.
Bill climbs the tree.	And Jack climbed and climbed, and his mother wondered what he had done with the money. Up he goes to see the giant. {chuckles} Well, that's another adventure.
Red looks worried as Bill reaches the top of the tree. Bill looks nervous as he begins swaying side to side. He snaps off the very top of the tree, then starts leaning further to one side. He thrusts the tree top the opposite direction, then starts swaying that way. He sways back and forth like this several times, then finally the whole tree falls over to one side, bending over quite a bit.	Hey now, Bill! Got right up at the top there. Looks a little thin at this point. And Bill certainly isn't. There ya go. All your way up there. Hang on, hang on! Hang on! Now, just kinda rock it. Maybe you can snap it off at the trunk or something. Or you can just... Oh, I see. Look at this, kids eh? You can use your balance to... moving your weight, keeping the tree nice and... I don't think Bill is actually all that balanced. No matter what you do– Oh!
Bill ends up hanging upside-down from the tree just a few feet off the ground. He falls down and lets go, causing the tree to spring back upright. Bill is still holding the top. He cheers at the camera and holds the top proudly, then hands it to Red and walks offscreen.	By golly. Right around the tree, upside down there. ...Well, there's your tree.
Bill returns with the toboggan. He stops in front of Red, then grabs the "tree" and places it delicately on the sled. He says "Bye bye!" and drags the sled offscreen. Red just stares blankly at the camera.	That won't take long to decorate. Yeah, Bill. Have yourself a great Christmas.

Mike's Christmas Tips

{In another corner of the lodge, Mike is seen rummaging around through a desk. He looks up to the camera with a look of shock.}

MIKE HAMAR: Oh! Uh, okay. Uh, I, uh... I, uh... I want to talk to you parents about Christmas. {sits down at desk} The kids really look up to you to make Christmas a special time. And I mean that in a good way. Christmas can be upsetting to the kids. For example, you dads out there, don't come home on Christmas Eve in the back of a squad car. Christmas is a time for family and love. I mean, if you can't afford presents for the kids, they'll understand. Don't go out in the garage and fire off a shotgun and then try to convince the kids that Santa committed suicide. And don't give them a bike that you stole from the kid across the street. You know? You just gotta try and be together at Christmas and try not to get on each other's nerves. Maybe avoid sensitive topics like politics and religion and who owes who money. And even if you're not having a fancy Christmas dinner, you can at least take the pizza out of the box. And dress up festive! Maybe put a shirt on. And put some pants on. You know, that's a gift that keeps on giving. You gotta take this special day to be with your family and your friends and let them know how much you care. Talk to them! Find out about their lives. Really share! I mean, what have you got to lose? There's nothing good on television 'til Boxing Day. Think about it.

Christmas Is... 6

{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is a time to slow down a little, a time to sit down and think back over the year and assess your accomplishments. You may realize that you've accomplished diddly-squat, that a year of your life is gone forever, and what the heck were you thinking? In that case, think about what others have accomplished and feel good for them. Think about people who have done real impressive things over the last year, people who didn't waste a year of their– Okay, okay, you know what? I know, I know. Sit down and watch a lot of Christmas specials on television and don't think at all. The same ones you watched last year. And the year before. And bask in the warm glow of knowing Charlie Brown and Frosty the Snowman and the Grinch who stole Christmas didn't do anything new either.

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying 3

{Red walks out into the Lodge basement holding a roll of duct tape. He walks up to Dalton, who is standing in a box labeled "Xmas lights" and is covered in Christmas.}

RED GREEN: Joining me today, we got, uh, Dalton Humphrey. {looks at Dalton} Or maybe I should say, Dalton Tannenbaum. {chuckles} You here for Christmas or Halloween, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, Red, I thought maybe today we could repair these Christmas lights.

RED GREEN: Christmas lights? I didn't– I didn't think you were celebrating Christmas. Didn't you just tell us it was a Pagan ritual and you were only having part of it? Eh? What made you change your mind?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {slight pause} My wife Anne-Marie.

RED GREEN: {nods} All right. How'd you get all tangled up like this, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, I didn't want to get out the stepladder for just a little job like this, so I got out the kitchen chairs and a couple phone books, and I was up there with the stapler, putting on the lights, and of course, then the Yellow Pages slip out, and I fall right off and I roll over and over and over down the hill in front of my house!

RED GREEN: {shakes head; holds up arms} Dalton, phone books and kitchen chairs? You're asking for trouble. It's gotta be encyclopedias and end tables. {looks at lights while Dalton nods} Man, I– I know you sell antiques, {touches one light} but these babies are prehistoric.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, come on now, you only use these a week out of the year. Why would you spend money on something you hardly use?

RED GREEN: You feel that way about combs, do ya? Do these lights work, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, they– I– when I tested them before I tried to hang them up, you know... nothing!

RED GREEN: Oh, man, you seem to be using the old kind. Like, one goes out, none of 'em work.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You're saying it's impossible. Yeah, I'll just tell Anne-Marie Red Green says no Christmas lights this year! {Red sways head in annoyance; melodramatically} Yep, the king of the handyman can't save a family's Christmas!

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright! {walks over to a trash can and takes out an extension cord} Come over here.

DALTON HUMPHREY: What?

RED GREEN: I got an extension cord. {Dalton comes over, hopping with his feet still in the box} Alright, stand still.

{Red plugs the Christmas lights into the extension cord. The lights remain off, but suddenly Dalton's body starts shaking as he feels electrical jolts in his body through the wires of the lights. He sputters. Red walks around to Dalton's left side.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh! Oh, geeze, Red! I'm getting shocked! Thousands of fingers tickling me all over my body! {continues to sputter}

RED GREEN: Yeah. Sorry abut that, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, it's okay, I don't mind! {whoops loudly}

RED GREEN: Is there any part of your body that's not tingling?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {leaning to his left} The left knee! The left knee!

RED GREEN: {bends down to Dalton's knee} Well, that'll be the bad bulb. {flicks at bulb in question while Dalton keeps getting shocked} There we go. C'mon, c'mon, there we go...

{Red flicks the bulb one more time. Suddenly, Dalton stops shaking as the electrical surges stop and the lights on his body flash on and off.}

RED GREEN: There we go! {laughs while picking up a red helmet} You know what? I'm getting some ideas here. {puts helmet on Dalton's head} I don't think we need a tree this year. {turns on headlight on helmet; Dalton looks around in confusion}

Red's Handyman Tips

{Red emerges from a shed outside the lodge.}

RED GREEN: You know, around Christmastime, people like to put out a display of some kind out on their lawn. Usually, it's got the colored lights on it or maybe Santa on his sleigh or something. You know what? I prefer something that reflects the true meaning of Christmas: keep it cheap. {walks up to a bunch of appliances} I'm thinking, get a bunch of appliances and make yourself a nativity scene. {shows off a stove} The stove here? Well, that will be the Virgin Mary. Get one from a priest, for obvious reasons. {walks up to a refrigerator} And then the fridge, of course, that's Joseph; kinda tall and quiet and cool. {walks up to three computers piled on top of one another} Get yourself three computers. That's your Wise Men. {walks up to a boombox} And look at this. I even got the Little Drummer Boy.

{Red pushes the play button on the boombox. A drum solo is heard on it. Red dances to it slightly. He then hears a dog, a German shepherd, barking. He then turns off the boombox and pets the dog.}

RED GREEN: Oh, and here's an extra bonus: a shepherd.

Red and Harold's Christmas Tips

{Red and Harold stand behind a table in the lodge. Several wrapped presents are placed next to it.}

RED GREEN: You know, we got a lot of kids watching this Christmas special, 'cause your parents are sitting right there and you can't zap over to the crap on that rock video station, can ya? So, Harold and I thought we'd give you kids a tip.

HAROLD GREEN: {excited} Yeah, yeah, you know how you always look under the Christmas tree and there's some presents and they got tags with your name on it? {makes shaking motions} You can't help but grab 'em and shake 'em to find out what's in 'em, right? Right? Uncle Red, would you grab me a gift?

RED GREEN: Yeah, sure. {bends over to side to pick up a present}

HAROLD GREEN: Y'know, you can tell a lot about the weight of these gifts, you know? {Red holds up present} You can find out if it's solid, y'know, or if it moves around in the box.

RED GREEN: {examines present} Yeah, I'd say this one's kind of about, I'd say, average weight, {looks at present again} but it's pretty solid, so it's not gonna shake around too much. {shakes present slightly} Mainly, it's not clothes, so that's a good part.

HAROLD GREEN: {taking present from Red} Real important test, though, is to shake it.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: You gotta really shake it, 'cause it helps you decide if it's liquid or if it's a solid, or perhaps there's two gifts in there. Haw! {shakes present vigorously} But don't be afraid to shake it! Really give her a go when you're shaking it!

{Suddenly, Harold shakes the present so hard that it slips out of his hands and is thrown behind. It lands on the ground, making a shattering sound as it does so. Red goes over and picks up the present.}

RED GREEN: Oh, oh, oh! {shakes present, which now makes the sound of rattling glass} Yeah. And that's how you learn. {looks at and shakes present again} We know now that this gift is made of glass, and there's some assembly required.

{Red shakes the present a few more times and then sets it back down. During this time, Harold sets another present on the table, this one much bigger than the first one.}

HAROLD GREEN: I forgot to mention, when shaking any gift, always get a grip.

RED GREEN: {nods} That would be a convenient truth for me, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {picks up other present} Well, this particular gift doesn't feel as heavy.

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: No. The edges seem soft. It's definitely liquid-filled. But now, the shake test. {laughs} This will determine all.

{Harold shakes this present vigorously. The sound of rattling is heard inside, accompanied by the sound of a puppy whimpering. Red and Harold stand there frozen, while the puppy continues to whimper. Harold thrusts the present in Red's face, but Red puts up his hand in refusal. Harold breathes in sharply and suddenly bends down to unwrap the present.}

RED GREEN: All right now, uh, the important thing is... {suddenly, Harold is heard screaming} never shake a gift that's breathing.

HAROLD GREEN: {getting back up, screaming} Oh, he's a killer! He's a killer, he's a killer, I tell ya! {looks sick}

{Red bends down and picks up that which was in the present: a little black-and-white-and-tan puppy. He holds the puppy in his arms.}

AUDIENCE: Awwww!

RED GREEN: {petting the puppy} Yeah, he's...

Dalton and Gord's Christmas Tips

{Dalton and Ranger Gord stand behind a table in the lodge basement. On the table is a wrapped present and a poinsettia in a pot.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Hello, everyone, I'm Dalton Humphrey, and {gestures toward Gord} right next to me is Ranger Gord, {Gord salutes to the camera} and we have some advice for the Christmas season. Now, {waves hand} my advice will be mostly focused on saving money, whereas Gord's advice here won't be likely focused on anything at all.

RANGER GORD: Hi, everybody, my name is Ranger Gord, and standing next to me is Dalton Humphrey, and we're gonna have some advice–

DALTON HUMPHREY: {holds up index finger, interrupting Gord} Gord? Gord? See, I've already done the introduction. We don't need to do them two times.

RANGER GORD: Good idea.

DALTON HUMPHREY: So...

RANGER GORD: Saves some time.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {picks up present} Yes, and we don't have a lot of time, so let's move right along, and what we have here is a typical–

RANGER GORD: {raises index finger} You go ahead, I'll go second.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Thank you very much, Gord, yes. {back to camera} What we have here is a typical gift wrapped in a typical Christmas fashion for a typical kid.

RANGER GORD: {looking at Dalton} Weird.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, it's– it's– it's typical. It's not weird, there's nothing weird about this, it's just, uh...

RANGER GORD: No, I'm talking about your hair. {pause} Carry on.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yes, thank you. Now, the point I would like to make is to portray a typical kid ripping into a typical Christmas gift on Christmas morning. {takes a hold of present} And this is the way it would go, something like this: {ecstatically} Oh boy, is this for me? Is this for me?! {grabs present and starts ripping apart the wrapping} Oh boy, I can't wait! I can't wait! I gotta get this open! {unwraps present} Oh boy, look what Santa brought me! Look what Santa brought me! {completely unwraps present} Wow, this is fantastic! Look what I got! WOW! {laughs} Look at that! {laughs again} Wow!

RANGER GORD: Wow. {chuckles} You really cut loose there, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, come to think of it, I sure did. I never opened a gift that way before. Boy, it took me back to the way I used to feel as a kid. Of course, I never really meant to feel like that as a kid, 'cause my dad said if I did, I'd grow up funny, but, uh... {Gord nods} Yeah.

RANGER GORD: Your dad's still alive?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, probably. {back to camera} My point is this: what a waste of wrapping paper. Now, what we have to do is, teach our children how to do this: {bends down and picks up another wrapped present} how to take the tape off the paper so that we save it and use it year after year. This is the way my father taught me. {reaches towards seams of wrapping} Place your finger under the lip of the gift...

RANGER GORD: {interrupting} Uh, Dalton, before you go on, let me just add something to your last point. {clears throat; to camera} Folks, if you happen to get a goldfish for Christmas and the goldfish dies, you can flush it. {holds up potted poinsettia} But if you get a poinsettia and the poinsettia dies, don't flush it, all right? Bad mistake. {pause} Thank you.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Gord? That doesn't add to my point. That doesn't add to any point. Now, listen, it's not your turn yet, 'cause– 'cause I'm not finished. So when it is your turn, then you can do your safety tip, okay?

RANGER GORD: No, it's okay, I've already done it. {salutes to the camera} Thank you. I'm done.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Okay.

RANGER GORD: Oh, that's all the time we have. {waves to camera} Good night, everybody! {walks off}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {holding the wrapped present in his hand} No, wait, stop! What was the point of bringing this stuff? It's a waste! It's a waste!

RANGER GORD: {returns and takes Dalton's present} Here, I'll flush it for you.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No! No! {runs after Gord} Gord!

Christmas Is... 7

{Red continues to walk along, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is the sound of bells. Bells on the children's mittens as they throw snowballs at senior citizens. Bells in the church steeple that make you feel even more guilty than usual. Bells on the little brown pony as they tow it in for service. Bells on the street corner charities prying loose change out of tight fists. Bells on your door that ring when unexpected guests bring unexpected gifts and unexpected appetites. Bells on the police dogs as they search my car. Bells on the strip tease dancer as she gives Harold the Christmas to remember. Bells on the ambulance that comes to get him. Bells from the kitchen saying, "Come and get it," and "Will I be there? Oh yeah, with bells on."

Closing

{Red and Harold walk into the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Yeah. That was fun, wasn't it? That, uh, that's pretty much it for our Christmas special. We hope you enjoyed it or some of it, or at least didn't get hurt or didn't get hurt bad anyway.

HAROLD GREEN: I also want to remind people that Christmas is a time of peace and forgiveness. A time to forget about all your petty differences with people and be kind to those {looks toward Red} who are hurtful to you all year long. {back to camera} A time to open up your hearts and express an element of hope and through a gesture of generosity and spirit. And with that in mind, {puts his hand in his coat pocket} Uncle Red, I got you a gift. {pulls out gift and gives it to Red}

RED GREEN: {looking at gift} Oh. Oh, well, thank you, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: You're welcome.

RED GREEN: I appreciate it.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

RED GREEN: {feels around in his coat pocket} Wait a minute. {puts hand in pocket} I got something in my pocket. {pulls out gift of his own} Oh, by golly, it's a gift of some kind, I think, Harold. I wonder who this is for. {shows Harold tag on the gift} What does this say on the tag there?

HAROLD GREEN: {reading} "No refund without sales slip".

RED GREEN: No. {opens up tag} What does that say?

HAROLD GREEN: {reading; suddenly excited} Oh, "To Harold, from Uncle Red"!

RED GREEN: {giving Harold gift} Here you go.

HAROLD GREEN: Thank you!

RED GREEN: {laughs} No problem.

{Red unwraps his present from Harold. It's an electronic organizer.}

HAROLD GREEN: {excitedly} You know what it is? You know what it is? You know what it is?

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: It's an electronic organizer! It's really cool! It's like an electric computer, you know? You put all your messages and phone numbers and stuff in there, and it'll electronically remind you.

RED GREEN: {with uncertainty} That's great, Harold. Thank you very much.

HAROLD GREEN: {unwrapping his present from Red} You're welcome very much.

{Harold completely unwraps his present from Red. It's a roll of duct tape. Red smiles. The audience cheers. Harold looks somewhat perplexed. They both look at Harold's gift.}

RED GREEN: You know what it is?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

RED GREEN: You're welcome, Harold.

{Red and Harold stare at each other, at the camera, at their presents and then back at the camera. After a pause, they then quickly give each other their respective gifts.}

RED GREEN: {waving} Merry Christmas!

HAROLD GREEN: {waving} Merry Christmas, everyone!

RED GREEN: Merry Christmas!

HAROLD GREEN: Merry Christmas!

{Various people start coming out into the Lodge from the basement and all crowd around Red and Harold. They shake hands with the people and wish them all a merry Christmas.}