WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
Ever notice how most
dogs don't understand
the concept "full"?
They just keep eatin'
until they finish
whatever it is
you put in front of them.
That's because the average
canine in dog years
is about the same age
as a middle aged man --
or as we call them:
The buffet years.
Come on, fella.
The question is,
wouldn't it be great
if you could put out a whole
week's worth of dog food
without having to refill
the bowl every day?
The answer's obvious.
Get yourself an old car
with a retractable sunroof.
You can pick these up pretty
cheap from a middle aged
bald guy
with a sunburn
where his hair used to be.
All you need is the roof.
The rest you can
sell as a convertible,
maybe to the
bald guy's wife.
She's probably
lookin' to trade up.
Just dish out a
week's worth of dog food
into that giant salad bowl you
got as a wedding present
and never used.
Once rover's done with it,
you never will.
Just slide the dish
under the sunroof
so the dog can't get at
the food unless the
unit is open.
And sure, yeah, I could
open the sunroof manually,
but I got a better idea.
I've hooked up the on/off
mechanism to this solar
powered calculator.
Oh sure, the solar panel's
pretty small on this unit,
but that's okay,
because once I place her
in this window sill,
she's only gonna
catch the sun from, say,
10:00 to roughly 10:02.
[ applause ]
[ cheers and applause ]
all right!
Oh, ho, ho!
Okay, thanks very much.
Appreciate it.
Oh, yeah.
Okay then.
You know how we all have
sentences that you never
thought you'd say?
Things like, I'll have
the vegetarian lasagna;
or, it was my fault;
or, not tonight.
Well, here's
another one...
Harold's having
girl problems.
[ audience reacts ]
yeah. Yeah.
Well, harold's got this
girlfriend, bonnie --
you know harold.
He always goes overboard.
And if he goes
overboard with bonnie,
I just wanna make sure he's
wearing a life jacket.
[ cheers and applause ]
what a beautiful day.
Uh-huh, you and bonnie
been necking, harold?
I do not
kiss and tell.
Your face does.
Yeah, you guys should
leave your glassed on
when you're smoochin'.
You could
lose an eye.
Bonnie kisses way better
than any other woman.
How many women
have you kissed?
My mom.
See, that's what
bothers me, harold.
You don't have enough
experience with women.
It bothers me too,
believe me.
See, it's because
you're focussed too
much on bonnie.
You should be
dating other girls.
Ha! That sounds
crazy to me.
You should be
dating other girls,
you never heard
that before?
Yeah, but only from
other girls I've asked out.
No, no, see,
harold,
if you spend
too much time
too soon with bonnie,
well, something
could happen.
You know what
I'm talkin' about?
Every time I'm with her,
I do get a big hint.
Okay. Okay.
All right.
That means you
agree with me.
You guys should
kinda cool it for
a little while.
Now, you wanna
tell her,
or do you want me
to tell her?
No, no, no!
Not you. Not you.
I'll tell her.
I can tell her.
I'll simply say,
bonnie...
I'll tell her.
No, I'll tell her.
I can tell her.
I can tell her.
It's not that big a --
what am
I telling her?
[ applause ]
it's time for
the possum lodge word game.
[ cheers and applause ]
tonight's prize is this coupon
for a romantic dinner for two
at the drive-thru window
of the burger barrel.
You'll enjoy
a four-course meal...
Burgers, fries,
onion rings,
and pepto-bismol.
All right, dalton,
cover your ears.
Red, you've got 30 seconds to
get dalton to say this word...
Yeah, all right,
winston.
And... Go!
Uh, okay, dalton,
you got a ring
and you got two people
fightin' like crazy.
Marriage.
No, uh, no, no.
These are pros,
okay,
and they have gloves,
and they have mouth guards,
and people pay to watch 'em
punch each other out.
Hockey players.
No, no.
Okay, no.
Okay, you got
two guys doin' this.
Two guys goin' like this.
Maraca players?
Almost outta time,
here, red.
Yeah, uh...
Okay, okay.
Dalton, some men
wear briefs;
other men wear...
Well, how would I know?
Wait, how do you know?!
Come on, dalton,
you know this one.
This is like
baggy underwear.
You know, not the
tighty whities you and I wear.
I mean, these are shorts.
Wh-wh --
you mean trunks?
Only boxers
wear trunks!
There we go.
[ applause ]
announcer: A bold new reality
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Twelve lucky women
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a chance to live
in the lap of luxury
with the man
of their dreams.
A once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity
to embrace the good life.
This fall 12 women
will compete to win
the ultimate bachelor.
Handsome, connected,
heir to a
multi-million-dollar fortune.
Winston rothschild is...
Because reality sucks.
You know every man has a
mountain of some kind
to face in his life.
If he's a single guy,
the mountain is
probably laundry.
But with the single load
capacity of these machines,
this is an all-day job.
And "all day" and "job"
are two things
I never like to see
in the same sentence.
What we need is a washer
and dryer large enough
to handle all
the laundry at once,
assuming we won't care about
mixing our whites in
with our colours,
and that's a pretty
safe assumption.
That's why today
I'm going to build
a multi-load
washer dryer.
My laundry's
like cargo,
but I'm gonna use a car
that doesn't go.
Actually, I recommend
a hatchback.
Hey, look, it's the
hatchback of notre dame.
Okay, first thing you wanna do
is remove all the seats
from the vehicle,
using whatever tool
you have handy.
I guess that's me.
You wanna get an even
distribution of water
throughout the wash cycle,
so cover the interior with as
many of these lawn sprinklers
as you can find.
My neighbours all water
their lawns at night,
so getting these sprinklers
is pretty easy.
That's not funny, harold!
Now, this vehicle
has a sunroof.
So she makes an excellent
top loading model.
Just jam all your
clothes in here.
Don't worry about
overloading the machine.
You know, I once saw
15 clowns get out of
a vehicle this size.
Sadly, 16 had gotten in.
But they dedicated
the world record to him.
Why do clown stories
always involve death?
Okay, sock the laundry
detergent in there.
Hey, these things really do
let the 'sunlight' in.
Remember the fab four?
Well, this is
what the fab's for.
Oh, tide's comin' in.
In fact, I'll just --
all right, harold.
All right!
Okay, we got our
sprinklers runnin' there,
and I hooked the hatchback
up to the possum van
with a tow bar.
Then I stuck a concrete block
behind the rear wheel.
That'll allow me
to do a little agitatin'.
I've always been
good at that.
If my van is rockin',
I'm probably bleachin'
my underwear.
Okay, now we have
to drain the washer
before turning it
into a dryer.
That's where the
hatchback comes in handy.
Done.
This floor mat is my
sheet of fabric softener.
Okay, now, for the drying,
I really need to
generate some hot air.
So I turned the
heater on full,
and then I drained the rad.
Then you just
start her up.
And it's just that easy.
So remember, if the women
don't find you handsome,
they should at least
find you handy.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's time for
the spin cycle.
"dry clean only."
[ applause ]
the other day I'm driving down
the highway there,
and I see a guy nearly
miss his exit.
So he cuts across
five lanes of traffic
to make it to
the other side.
I thought I was going to
end up on the other side too.
The final other side.
The one with
the pearly gates
and my old dog porky,
who got crushed by a
runaway wheel of cheese.
This guy couldn't take
the next exit and come back,
because an extra four minutes
out of his day
was apparently worth more
than the rest of my life.
Then yesterday, I'm at the
express checkout lane
at the supermarket,
and the old guy in front
of me with 97 items
realises he's forgotten
to buy a watermelon.
So he disappears
back into the store
while I stand there thinking
about what he can do
with that watermelon
when he gets back.
The common theme here
is that some of us
seem to have forgotten an
important concept.
And it can be summed up
in two words...
Too late.
Don't ever be afraid
to tell yourself
it's too late
to do something.
Too late is your friend,
because you never know when
your selfishness
might tick off
the wrong person.
Someone with
anger management issues
and a firearm.
Then it could be you in
front of those pearly gates
playing fetch with porky.
Oh, sure, by that
point you're sorry.
Guess what?
Too late.
Remember,
I'm pullin' for you.
We're all
in this together.
[ applause ]
you need a sewage guy
you can grow old with,
because remember,
your sense of smell
is the last thing to go.
Okay, it's been four hours
since harold went over
to tell bonnie
that they're seein'
too much of each other.
By this point they're
probably seein' all
of each other.
Boy, there's
a scary visual.
Come right in.
Come right in.
[ muttering
to each other ]
the two of you might
wanna cut back
on the sugar intake.
Hello, mr. Green.
Hello, bonnie.
Harold and I had
a little talk.
Well, I'm glad
to hear that.
And harold said you have
something you wanted
to tell me.
Let's say I wanna
buy a car,
and the only dealership
in the area is a yugo
dealership.
That means that I'm
gonna end up with
a yugo, right?
I love yugos!
Me too!
I love yugos!
No, no, no.
No, that's
not the point.
You gotta make an
informed decision,
which means you gotta
look at all your
options.
Mm-hmm.
I love yugos!
Bonnie, I think my uncle's
trying to help us
avoid making a mistake.
He's saying maybe we stop
seeing each other for
a little while --
just a little while.
See how it works out.
See if we really
care about each other.
Exactly.
Well, if you say so,
harold.
I mean,
we could try it.
We could stop seeing
each other for like...
An hour.
A day.
A month.
A week.
All right.
Because we don't want
to get together just
out of convenience.
I guess not.
No, because that's what
my aunt bernice did, and...
Red: The boys are out
on a summer's day,
looking for a
different beach.
And they were
just cruisin' along,
and bill was feeding harold,
keeping him happy
in the back seat there.
And they saw a sign that
they had never seen before.
'course they didn't realise
the sign had a little more
to it than that.
So now we're operating
under what we call
false pretenses,
which pretty well describes
their entire lives.
So walter and bill just can't
get out of the car fast enough.
Scramble up and see
what's going on
at the nude beach.
And harold has a little
more common sense
and, you know, fair play.
He says, hey, guys.
Hey, hey, hey.
You gotta be one
to see one.
So now they gotta
make a decision.
Are you gonna or not
or not...
Or... Okay, they're
gonna go for it.
All right.
Decided to pay the price.
Harold has a great idea.
They've got some
toys and so on
they can use to cover up some
of the embarrassing bits.
And the rubber duckie and even
using the cooler there.
And there was one of those
pop-out pup tent things.
And, uh, so walter
grabs a cooler,
and he takes the
bottom out of her
it'll be just
like shorts really.
And bill's got the
rubber duck unit there,
which I believe he
got on prescription.
And of course harold, then,
is left with the tent,
which is one of
these spring jobs.
I think it's going to be large
enough to cover
everything harold's
embarrassed about.
So now next thing you know,
over the hill comes
the three musketeers.
And about now
they realise,
hey wait a minute, this isn't
a nude beach at all.
Those are families.
There's one kid
playin' catch,
and he kinda takes offence
to way they're not dressed,
so he fires -- oh!
Firing rocks at 'em, boy.
Oh, boy!
Oh! There goes another one.
So harold decides to
high-tail it out of there.
Of course, by this time,
the car has been illegally
parked for a while
and has attracted a cop.
Once she sees the way
they're not dressed,
uh, the ticket takes on
a whole new level.
This is not just
gonna be a fine.
This one's gonna involve taki''
a little trip downtown,
because it's gonna have
to be appearing in court.
Says right on there.
See: "summons
to appear in court."
so bill doesn't doesn't take
this as seriously
as he should have.
He just kinda uses it
as his bathing suit.
And once she got
a glimpse of that,
she changed it to read:
"small claims"!
[ applause ]
[ car chugging ]
you hear that?
That's called run-on.
Old cars do that a lot.
So do old guys.
At both ends.
I've tried everything
to fix it.
Well, everything free,
that is.
But now I've decided to turn
the run-on from a liability
into an asset.
See, when I shut the car off,
it runs for exactly...
[ car stops chugging ]
23 seconds.
I figure that should be
just about perfect.
Okay, got my tent
all rolled up
and mounted on
the roof of the car.
When I pull this rope,
that tent'll drop faster
than the canadian dollar
during a quebec election.
First, I'll shut
the car off,
which means she'll run for
exactly 23 seconds
which is just about
the right amount of time
to inflate my tent.
Or as I call it,
my inflatable garage.
Okay, we're into the fourth
day of bonnie withdrawal.
It's goin' okay.
I mean, it's a one day
at a time thing.
But it's goin' okay.
It's not easy,
believe me.
Okay, uncle red!
Come on, we gotta go!
You said you were going
to take me to the
botanical gardens
so we can see the
forsythia in bloom.
Then we have to go down
to the electronics store,
because I wanna get
a new mp3 player, right.
It's not easy,
believe me.
And of course we have
to go to the library,
but we have to hurry,
because that
closes at 8:00.
We're not going to
the library, harold.
That's all the way
up in port asbestos.
No, we'll go to the
library in possum lake.
We have a library?
Where's that?
Right next to
the liquor store.
No kidding.
Harold!
What's wrong?
I'm not supposed
to see you, bonnie.
What's goin' on?
It's only
four days.
I got a message
from pookie.
He said it was
an emergency.
I thought you
were sick.
Your voice sounded
all scratchy.
No!
Well, I don't know
what that's all about.
Since you're
here anyway,
you two might as well
get back together.
Ah!
[ stammering ]
kisses! Kisses!
Kisses!
[ possum squealing ]
I can't.
I gotta go
to the meeting.
No, no, harold.
You go with bonnie.
Really?
Oh, yes!
Oh, yes, harold.
We'll go to the botanical
gardens first...
I'll get the door.
I'll get the door.
I'll get the door.
[ applause ]
okay, if my wife
is watching,
I'll be coming straight home
after the meeting
and I hope I'll find you
in an affectionate mood.
[ as harold ]
'cause it's an emergency!
[ nerdy laugh ]
to the rest of you,
thanks for watching.
On behalf of myself
and pookie
and the whole gang up here
at possum lodge,
keep your stick on the ice.
[ cheers and applause ]
everybody sit down.
Sit down, everybody.
You gotta sit down.
Hurry up. Sit down.
All rise.
Quando omni flunkus moritati.
Red: Sit down.
Bow your heads
for the man's prayer.
I'm a man, but I can change,
if I have to...
I guess.
All right, harold's not
at the meeting tonight,
because I think he's in love.
So let's have
two minutes silence.
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