The Red Green Wiki


At any of our big

family dinners,

it's kind of like going

to a karaoke bar.

You never know whether

you're going to get

a turkey or a ham.

So I say, wouldn't it be great

if you could cook both?

Now you may think you need

to have two ovens to do that.

Man, are you ever wrong.

That's because you don't

realize there's a burner

in the bottom

of the dishwasher.

Now, it's there

to dry dishes,

but we're going to use it

to cook our turkey.

In fact, we're so close

to the burner,

we can actually make toast

at the same time.

Now, the other shelf

is for the potatoes.

We're going to have

a full slate of vegetables.

Don't worry about that.

And we can keep them

completely separate

in the silverware holder.

And here's a bonus

that no oven could ever do.

You know how your dishwasher

has a pump and a

sprinkler system,

to pick up the water

from the bottom

and then squirts it

all over the dishes?

Well, it'll do the

same thing with gravy.

Now all we do is set

the control to dry,

which turns on the element.

You know, some times

I even amaze myself.

Okay, everything's

done perfectly.

Now all's we do is run

the regular dishwashing cycle.

It's not just an oven,

it's self-cleaning.

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

No, no.

Appreciate it.

Big, big week up at

the lodge this week.

We just won the possum lake

fishing derby.

We've never

done that before.

Usually the guys

at caribou lodge beat us

with some

underhanded trick,

but they didn't do

so well this year

because none of

their outboards would run.

Yeah, I heard somebody poured

sugar into their gas tanks.

Victory is sweet.

Oh, uncle red,

wait until you hear this!

[ applause ]

what happened?

Did you get a scholarship

to ballet school?

No, I did not, no.

We've been challenged

to a fishing derby

by another lodge.

The grand prize

is 10,000 dollars.

Holy cow.

Boy, we could really

fix this place up with

10,000 bucks.

You could just tear it

down and start all over.

Well, harold,

and lose the history,

the memories

and the ambience?


Well, who's this lodge

that thinks they can

take us on, harold?

It's, um, badger lodge.

No, no!


No. No, yeah.


Badger lodge,

they're americans.

Well, what difference

does that make?

Well, the americans

are best at everything.

Says who?

They do.

You know, uncle red,

they spend more on

fishing gear

than we do on missiles.

Harold, you know,

they're just people.

They don't know

possum lake;

they don't know

canadian fish;

and they

don't know us.

We can't beat the odds.

I mean, california has the

same population as canada.

Yeah, but they're


You bring 'em up

here in February,

and it's game over.

No, uncle red,

americans are the --

they have

10 times everything...

10 times the population,

10 times the economy.

Everything we have,

they have 10 of.

Well, that means they've

got 10 harolds.

They're dead

in the water.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

yeah! Yeah!


Today's winner receives

cardboard box seats

to the port asbestos

theatre in the dark's

outdoor production

of a midsummer's nights

mosquito infestation.

This is just the ticket

if you're itching

for a night out.

Okay, cover your ears.

Okay, mr. Green, you've got

30 seconds to get winston

to say this word...


all right, mike.

And... Go!

Okay, winston.

You know, whenever we have

a wing-ding at the lodge

and the cops come over

because of the noise

we always say to them

hey, nobody's...


No, okay, okay.

When you see a woman

and she's the ultimate,

she's the best,

that means she's...


No, okay, no.

When anybody

sees your parents

they always think they're

something for each other.


for each other.

No, but you know

how your mother says

they never argue


everything is...

Dad's fault.

We're almost out of time,

mr. Green.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, I know.

Winston, remember last summer

we had that hurricane

and everybody's

septics backed up.

You had three months

of work out of it.

What did you call that?


the perfect storm.

Yeah! Yeah!

We're helping out

a lodge member, blair cobden,

and he's got his

snowmobile show

on the local port asbestos

t.V. Station.

I guess he's running

a little bit late.

He'll be here though.

Here he is.

[ crash ]

okay, blair.

How's the

snow machine running?


sticks a bit.


I can see that.

I think I hit

your doghouse.

He's long gone


So I thought we'd

talk a little bit

about the show.

We got some clips.

I thought

we'd run them

and then you can tell us

what's happening.

Fire it up.

All right.


I'm real excited,

I'm heading

to fish lake lodge,

a big trip.

You can see I'm excited.


You look excited

there, yeah.


There's brenda, my sled.


Brenda's a sled, okay.

That's good to know.

You, kind of, jazzed brenda

up a little bit, didn't you?

Blair: Yeah, you see,

fish lake lodge

is a real fancy place,

and I souped her up a bit

'cause I didn't want to

pull in there looking

like a goof.


Now, what's happening here?

Is this a setback

of some kind?


I failed to notice

that the brochure said,

"on tranquil

fish lake island."

red: Oh.

So the ferry boat wouldn't

take the snowmobile?


No ferry, red.

Just me, brenda

and the open water.


Wow. Holy cow.

Now, did you get enough

speed up there, blair?


Apparently not.

[ applause ]

you hear a lot of talk

about global warming,

which is melting

the polar ice cap,

which will lead to

world-wide flooding

and mass extinctions

and so on.

But what really bugs me

is how hot the summers

are getting.

Oh sure, you can put one of

these windows shakers

into your home

if things are getting

too hot in the bedroom.

Nice problem.

What if your car doesn't

have air conditioning?

Okay, you can keep cool

through evaporation,

where you open

all the car windows,

get naked and douse

yourself with alcohol.

But the cops never

believe that story.

Mind you, you do end up

in the cooler.

So to avoid jail,

I suggest a

different technology.

You want to

put out the heat,

try a fire extinguisher.

Make sure you get the kind

that shoots out co2,

not the kind

that shoots out foam.

They're for shaving

while you're waiting

for the fire truck.

These co2 units

put out stuff

that's about

3000 degrees below zero.

Watch how this cools

something down.

You won't believe

how the temperature drops.

Now, the real problem

in a vehicle

is the sun beating down

on the upholstery

until it gets hot enough

to fry eggs on.

And if you've ever

fried your eggs,

you know how

painful that is.

You don't have to cool

the whole car,

just the seats.

Mount one full

fire extinguisher

on each side

of the back seat.

I'm guessing you don't use

your back seat anymore either.

Wow, I'm finally using

the seat belts on this car.

Okay, that went well.

This is the

emergency brake --

sorry, this was

the emergency brake.

Now, I know that's going

to alarm a bunch of you

nervous nellies,

but when

I think about it,

how often do I use

my emergency brake?

Once, maybe twice a month.

Whereas I burn myself

on the upholstery

three or four

times a day.

You tell me which

is the real emergency.

Now, with my custom

carbon dioxide-powered

air conditioners,

I can drive all day without

being in the hot seat.

Not until

I get home anyway.

Now, you want to attach

the other end of the cable

around the nozzles

of the fire extinguishers.

If your brake cable

is too short,

use some of the wiring

from the tail lights.

If other drivers can see

that your tail lights

aren't working,

hey, they're

following too close.

Okay, and the tanks

are all hooked up.

Now let's just imagine that

the car's just sitting

out for hours,

and the upholstery's

hotter than stink.

And stink can be

very, very hot.

But watch this.

Oh, baby.

How cool is that, eh?

I'm good to go.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome --

[shivering] they should

at least find you handy.



I want to talk

to any couples

who have been married

for a while.

When I was a young man,

there were

three kinds of cars.

First, there was

the clunker.

I'm talking about the beater,

the piece of crap,

the car that

looked worthless

and performed down

to that standard.

Then there was

the hot car.

The corvette, the mustang,

you know,

the sports car.

It looked good

and delivered on the promise.

Then there

was my favourite,

the sleeper.

The car that looked

like a clunker,

but performed

like a hot rod.

Now, I know that

on your wedding day,

you thought each other

looked like a pretty

sporty model.

And when you look

at each other now,

you look like a couple

of clunkers,

with a bad shimmy

in the rear end.

But that's all attitude.

Maybe you can't be

a sports car,

but you don't need

to be a clunker,

you can be a sleeper.

Sure, your tires are bald

and your fenders are wrinkled,

but you might still have

a surprise or two

under the hood.

'cause when

I say sleeper,

I'm only talking


If you're a sleeper,


your marriage is

in serious trouble.

You got to keep your end up,

figuratively and literally.


I'm pulling for you.

We're all in

this together.


You've seen him on the road.

You've had him in your yard.

You've whiffed him

on the breeze.

Now, let world-renowned sewage

sucker, winston rothschild

into your heart

and onto your turntable

with his first ever

long playing album.

Yes, it's winston rothchild's

the sounds of sucking.

24 of the greatest songs

ever written

sung and interpreted

as only a man with no

professional training can.

You'll get...

The population

of a country

doesn't make any

difference, harold.

You only have five guys

on a fishing team.

If they've got

300 million more,

they all have to sit

on the bench.

Yes, but, see, we make up

our team by picking

five out of,

say, oh, 100.

They make up

their team by picking

five out of,

say, oh, 10,000.

I'm sure you see

the difference.

Yeah, it'll take

them forever.

Harold, we got

the best team.

I don't care if this

lodge is from mars.

We're going to

win this thing.

You seem

so confident.

Well, you got

to be, harold.

Fishing's a

mental game.

It's all about

what you've got

in your noggin.

Okay, fine, but I still

need the cheque today.

What cheque?

The $5,000 cheque,

the wager.

You told me there was

a $10,000 prize.

Yeah, you put up five,

they put up five,

that's 10.

Oh, I'm thinking

of putting up five, harold.

Well, don't blame me.

You signed the agreement.

You accepted

the challenge.

Harold, how could you

let this happen?

Don't you read documents

before I sign them?

[ applause ]


So bill came by.

We heard he had

a case of shingles.

We misunderstood.

So he and walter had planned

to re-shingle the shed.

And so, yeah, no problem.

The shingles are there

and he brought a ladder

careful, ooh.

And oh, oh.

Everything's fine.

We're good.


Oh, don't worry about it.

Don't worry about that.

And bill takes the ladder

over and sets up.

They're going to actually

put the shingles

on the little shed

on the left there.

And bills knows he

should always hold the ladder,

but you're better to hold it

from the side, bill.

And then --

careful, careful, careful.


And they're not even

on the roof yet.

Okay, they finally

get up there,

and they start nailing

the shingles on.

The head comes off

the hammer and --

well, you got two windows

that match now.

Okay, never mind,

never mind.

So away they go.

Start hammering in,

and walter set up

his shingles there

and he must have set it up

over a knot or something.

It was real hard,

and he couldn't get

the nail to go in properly

because it's starting to

bend over and everything.

So he did the

normal male response,

just hit her

a little bit harder.

Like that.

Okay, is he all right?


Yeah, he's good.

Okay, later that day they

decided to work together

rather than independently,

so I get walter to --

you know, this doesn't look

like the best idea ever to me.

You know, I just --

there we go.

Okay, that's good.


Why don't you fall in

backwards this time?

A little change of pace.

Still later that day

they're finally getting

the things on there,

but bill decides we've got

to up the technology here.

We've got one of these

nail gun units

with the compressed air.

Take her up

to 60-70 pounds.

There... Oops.

Well, you shouldn't

have parked there.

Okay, so bill says --

no, no, no,

no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Okay, okay.

So walter's going

to just nail a nail in

while bill, kind of holds

the shingle in place.

This should work --

this should work just fine.

He's got some power now.

But bill's saying

no, c'mon on,

this is not nearly

the kind of speed we need.

So he takes her,

amps her up a little bit more,

takes her up to 100 pounds,

what are you, 110?

That's getting pretty high

we're almost up to --

oh boy, oh boy.

So bill starts --

it's got some real kick

to her now

and all of a sudden

he starts losing it.

We're losing it.

Careful, bill, careful.

Oh, down the hole,

he starts firing inside

and shooting shingles

all over the place.

So bill heads down

and walter, get down!

Get down the ladder!

Save yourself!


It's like a war movie.

And down he comes.

Okay, okay.

You know, you got to look

at the bright side.

Okay, fine.

The shed didn't

get shingled.

No, the shed --

but look at the bright side,

your car did.

Look at that.

[ applause ]

remember these,

mr. Microphone?

The ones you

used to talk into

that made your voice

come out the radio?

Back in the old days,

dumb single guys

used to use these

to amplify their voices

over their car stereo

in hopes of picking up

women on the street.

[on the radio ]

hey, there, mama.

You're looking good.

It didn't work,

but it did teach me

that our town does have

plainclothes policewomen.

Isn't it great

when old technology

finds a completely

new application?

Like storing your hockey pucks

in a patty stacker

or cutting your hair

with a flymo.

See, there's a big wrestling

smackdown on t.V.

This afternoon,

but bernice wants me to go

with her to the mall.

I set up the t.V. In a hidden

corner of the basement,

but I'll tell you

I could never pull this off

without the help

of mr. Microphone.

Got to keep the sound off

for the wrestling,

but that's okay,

I've got closed captioning

so I can follow the plot.

I've got to be quiet

so I can hear

bernice calling me.

Bernice: Okay, come on.

Let's go.

I can't honey.

[ over radio ]

got to fix the transmission.

Coming dear.

[ applause ]

well, the fishing derby

results are in.

I don't want to give

anything away.

But let's just say

that the theory

that canadians

are somehow inferior

has been blown right out

of the water.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

It was great!

Oh my goodness!

Yeah! Yeah!

That's right,

we tied.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, I feel so good

about myself.

You know,

on days like this

I think I can

tie anybody.

That's right.

Just like I

told you, harold,

you've got to believe

in yourself.

It's all about what

happens up here.

Male pattern baldness.

No, no, no.

You know what's good

about tieing,

when we were talking

about tieing?

You know what's good

about that?

You don't have the

embarrassment of losing.

And nobody's mad at you

for winning,

and they don't threaten

to give you a wedgie

in front of

mary-ellen carmichael.

You like everybody

to be happy,

don't you?

Yeah. Yeah.

I bruise easily.

Okay, so we didn't win

the 10,000 dollars,

but neither did they.

You know, so we just get

our cheque back.

Well, no, no, no.

Not exactly, no.

They got ours

and we got theirs.

Oh, yeah, well,

same dif.

No, no, theirs

is in american.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead.

I'll be right down.

You all right?


Okay, if my wife

is watching

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting,

and I'm thinking our

marriage is kind of a tie,

but we like to call it

a win-win

because neither of us is

interested in a stalemate.

Huh? Huh?

And the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your cheque

on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]


take your seats.

Come on, sit down,

sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

All right, men,

I think we should all be proud

of our performance

in the fishing derby.

Maybe everybody

coming out even

is kind of a

canadian thing.

Otherwise we get into

a big discussion

about winners and losers

and the next

thing you know

harold's having

another bad day.

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada