WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
I'm sure you've all seen
these fancy lawn torches
for outdoor parties
or for when the county
shuts off your electricity
or to use as a reading lamp
when you're sleeping outside,
and your wife has given
you a dr. Phil book.
But those things
cost money,
and they don't throw
much light.
So I'm thinking this is a
chance to do the same job
cheaper and better,
using something
you already have...
Like, say,
a bird bath.
You don't even have
to empty it first
because the gasoline will
float on top of the water,
and the best part is
when the party's over,
the gasoline will just
burn down to the water
and put itself out.
I don't
see a downside.
[ cheers and applause ]
thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
Big, big week up
at the lodge this week.
Harold asked a girl
to marry him a while ago,
and she said yes
and we're all waiting
for her to change her mind --
you know, buyer's remorse.
Well, it doesn't seem
to be happening,
so I guess we're
going to have a wedding.
Audience: Whoo!
Yeah,
sad to see a girl
as desperate as harold.
But the bunch of us
are planning to have
a surprise
stag for him.
We've got a few
kegs on order,
a ton of fireworks
and about
400 cheap cigars.
We've even got a couple
of those lady dancers
that find every room
too warm for clothing.
Uncle red!
Uncle red!
What's going on?
Something's going on.
I know when
something's going on.
[ cheers and applause ]
yeah, I know when
something's going on, right?
What's going on?
Harold, nothing's
going on.
I knew it.
I knew it.
I knew it!
Are you going to do
something nice for me,
because that never
works out too well.
Let's just say that
I might be working
on a little something
that'll knock your
socks off.
[ shuddering ]
oh, uncle red,
this is crazy.
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
I'm not kidding you,
harold.
It's a party.
It's a party,
isn't it?
It's a party.
Maybe.
Maybe.
So you're having like
a massive blowout stag
for me, uncle red?
My lips are sealed.
Get out!
Get out!
Oh, you're having
a party for me.
Is this going e
the best night
of my life?
Well, let's
hope not, harold,
you've got a
wedding coming up.
It's time for the
possum lodge word game!
[ cheers and applause ]
and today's winner receives
5,000 gallons
of natural spring water
from mercury creek,
delivery and container
not included.
Okay, well cover
your ears, ed.
Red, you've got 30 seconds
to get ed frid to say
this word...
Yeah, all right,
dalton.
And go!
Okay, ed, as an animal
control officer,
this is something you always
want between yourself
and an animal...
Distance.
No, okay, no.
This is something you
and your pet share...
Oh, heartworm.
Okay, no.
No, okay, okay.
When you spend a lot
of time with your pet
you end up
with a permanent...
Scar.
All right, let's forget
about animals.
Let's think
about women.
Can you think about women?
Always.
Okay, okay.
This is something
you want.
It involves a woman
and it rhymes with pond...
Blonde.
No, no, no.
This is something you want
to do with a woman...
You can't think
of anything?
Well, nothing that
rhymes with pond.
Time's
almost up, red.
Okay, okay,
let's try this.
Shaken not stirred,
what does that
sound like?
My self-esteem.
Okay, uhh, no.
Okay, okay.
What do you think of
when I say double-o seven?
My net worth.
But that's what happens
when you buy junk bonds.
There we go!
There you go.
It's time for the experts
portion of the show,
where we examine those
three little words
men find so
hard to say...
Audience:
I don't know!
Those are the three.
Okay, here's our letter.
"dear experts,
"I recently suffered
a heart attack
"and am wondering what
I need to do
"to prevent another one.
Well, I would suggest
asking your doctor
rather than writing
into a show that
uses duct tape.
Doctors are idiots.
"my doctor says I need
to exercise and eat healthy."
there, see, "exercise
and eat healthy."
c'mon...
And this is from the
guy who's had five
heart attacks.
Well, no,
really just one, red,
the others
were false alarms.
The second one
was just angina
and the other three
were just onions.
See, diet
is important.
I mean, I think you're
supposed to eat
a lot of organic fruits
and vegetables
and oat bran
and roughage.
No, no, I would never eat
anything called roughage.
See, I had a
doctor that tried
to put me on that
high fibre stuff,
you know.
What he didn't take
into consideration,
I live in a house
with a wife,
seven daughters
and one bathroom.
Good thing we've got
a big back yard.
Call me.
[ applause ]
well, I think a little bit
of exercise is good.
I heard that somewhere.
Well, yeah, yeah.
I mean, as long
as you just don't go
overboard, you know.
I'll tell you
what I do.
When I go out
for breakfast,
I angle up when I
pull in to the
drive-thru
so I'm about
three feet away.
So what I got to do is
I got to stretch right
out way over like this,
and then I'm fully
extended before I can
grab the donuts, right.
So it's very good for your
cardiovascular health.
Okay, I think our viewer
needs to consult a
nutritionist
and a doctor...
And probably a psychiatrist
if you're going to take
advice from these guys.
If you have a heart attack
and you got to phone 911,
make sure you
ask for roger.
He's a great
ambulance driver, okay.
He's always got
a couple of jokes,
and if you ask,
he'll take off your oxygen
and let you
have a smoke.
[ applause ]
three dollars and
seventy-five cents.
Three dollars and
seventy-five cents.
I can buy a '74 dart
for less than that.
What ever
happened to value?
Oh sure, they call chocolate
"mocha dream" now,
that doesn't make it
worth $3.75.
This isn't right.
I can't just
eat a $3.75 cone.
I'm going to save it
for our anniversary.
Well, what can
the average person do
to fight crazy prices?
How would I know?
I'm not average.
You ever looked inside
an ice cream maker?
If you watch this show,
you probably have.
And you've noticed,
it looks exactly
like the inside
of a washing machine.
You have your automatic
mixing tool
and your freely standing
mixing chamber.
I figure at
$3.75 a cone,
I can churn up around
80 grand worth of ice cream.
That's a lot
of tutti-frutti.
Okay, step one...
Line the machine
with a layer of ice.
Correction,
line the machine with
a layer of chopped ice.
Okay, I've got all the tiny
chunks of ice wrapped
around the drum.
I used vanilla ice because
that's made for "rapping."
speaking of agitators,
it's time to put
this one back in.
It's important to keep
the ice cream stirred up;
otherwise, you could end up
with all the oily fat
at the bottom,
like moose thompson.
Next, you add the sugar
which, again, is real cheap.
In fact, if you're smart,
you can get
sugar for free.
Now you pour in whole milk
just the way it came out
of bossie.
You know what they say,
if you're getting
the milk for free...
$3.75 for
an ice cream cone.
Again, this is pure,
fresh milk
not homogenized
or pasteurized
or sanitized
or scrutinized,
the fresher the better.
I would have hung a cow
over the machine,
but I didn't trust
the ceiling joists.
Okay, now we just
add a dash of salt...
Okay, maybe more
than a dash.
That was kind of
a hundred-yard dash.
No problem.
Now, you just
pick a flavour.
My favourite flavour
is butter pecan,
but ve
raspberries.
This shouldn't take long,
you know what fruit's like.
[ timer rings ]
that dinging noise means
it's time to put the
flavouring in.
[ timer ringing ]
oh man,
that looks good.
I'm going to put
the ice cream
into these old
chicken buckets.
They're cardboard
so I couldn't wash them,
but I aired them out
pretty good.
If the flavour
does soak through
I'll call it
raspberry rooster.
$3.75.
$7.50.
More than $7.50.
Now, if you're watching
your weight,
eat the ice cream out
of a bowl instead of a cone.
That way there's
no carbs.
I was wondering where
that sock went to.
Well, I'll just
change the name
to raspberry sock-hopper
or footi-tutti.
Could have been worse,
could have
been jockey road.
I want to talk
to you older guys
about all those coins
you've been accumulating
over the last
50 years of so.
Anybody who says,
"men don't like change,"
has never reached in
to an old guy's pants.
The amount of silver
in a man's home
is directly proportional
to the amount of silver
in his hair.
Your change is everywhere,
isn't it, eh?
Overflowing out of that
pickle jar on the dresser,
trapped between the
crevices of the couch,
trapped between the crevices
of you lying on the couch.
Your pockets are so
weighed down by quarters,
nickels and dimes,
when you climb
into the car
you sound like a
slot machine paying out.
So I think it's time
for you to roll all
those coins up,
take them to the bank
and cash them in
for folding money.
It's lighter,
it's quieter
and it'll force you to make
much better decisions
when you don't have
a coin to flip.
Remember,
I'm pulling for you.
We're all in
this together.
[ applause ]
anncr: Sewage...
The final frontier.
Winston: Scotty, I need more
suction on this sewage tank.
Scotty: I canna give
her any more, captain,
she's gonna blow!
Anncr: To boldly go where
everyone has gone before...
[ applause ]
well, harold's stag
is really coming together.
We got the beer.
We got the pickled eggs.
We got the
exhaust fans.
Harold still hasn't
figured out exactly
what's happening
but once he sees those
dancers getting lighter
by the minute,
I think he'll catch on.
Uncle red.
Yeah?
I have to talk to you
about the stag.
Well, I don't think
this is a very good
time, harold, you know.
Oh no, it's okay.
Bonnie's on-side
with this whole thing.
Oh yeah, yeah,
I'm completely fine with
everything, mr. Green.
I think my pookie is
a very lucky man
to have an uncle
like you.
Family hug!
What?
This is like a meeting
of nerd's anonymous.
No, and knowing you
as well as I do,
I figure you haven't
invited anybody yet
so bonnie and I have a
list of suggested guests.
Hmm-mm, some of those
people never thought
I'd get married!
I went through kind of
an unattractive phase.
[ snort laughs ]
wait a sec.,
that says adele
on there.
Adele's a girl's
name, isn't it?
Oh, adele is my cousin,
she has to be there.
Yeah but a stag is only
for guys, see.
Really?
'cause I heard there
were going to be
women there.
You know, we were
so impressed with that.
We really were.
You know, we were very
impressed with that,
you know, you being
enlightened and all
that sort of stuff.
That was really great.
You're not doing
that cliché stuff,
you know booze
and strippers and...
Oh no, oh no,
no, no.
So we thought maybe
we could turn it into
a stag and doe.
Yeah, yeah and include
all of the people
we care about,
the great aunts and
uncles and all of
the grandparents
on both sides.
I have a huge family.
We're excellent breeders.
[ laughter ]
you know, there's
a problem here.
The lodge really isn't
big enough to handle
all these people.
Oh, all taken care of,
uncle red.
We've already rented
the basement of the
baptist church.
Party!
Party!
Red: The guys came down to
the beach looking for me.
We were all going to do
a little bit of sailing today.
Couldn't find me,
I was having a
little break,
and I had decided that we
could have a sailboat race
and they said,
"let's do that."
and I figured mike
could be my partner
and the other two
could work together.
And they did that thing,
I'm not really
a high-fiver, myself.
Winston had a sextant
in his pants,
I guess that's how
you pronounce it,
a centre board
and a couple of hats.
And I wouldn't
put that on my head,
but I'm not his partner.
And, you know, mike is --
here again I don't have
a lot of the camaraderie,
the team spirit thing.
So anyway, dalton and winston
go over to their boat,
and they're going to get
that thing ready.
Dalton has a balance
problem in every way.
Mike just throws
his shoes in,
and I just kind of
pass them on.
So I'm thinking mike could
just, kind of, push us off
and we're good.
The other two had more --
wanted to do things together
and... Go get your boat.
Meanwhile, mike is --
c'mon mike,
c'mon on.
Go to the side
and he's working
on her pretty good there
and meanwhile these guys
are tipping her over.
Now, when a sailboat goes
over, the mast'll come down
and mike can't quite
figure out what's going on
and then suddenly
he wasn't there anymore.
So I thought, well to heck
with it, you know,
he's just extra
weight anyway.
I'll go ahead and I can
probably one-man it.
So dalton and winston
get their sail all rigged
and the race is on.
I'm making --
I'm making headway,
they're not really
getting anywhere.
So, I go up to the --
there's a marker buoy
at one end of the lake
and I go around
the marker buoy
because he was
just sitting still,
and I come
back the other way
and they still
haven't moved.
They can't quite figure out
what's going --
what they're doing is they're
looking for the wind,
and they're looking down
and everything,
but if they would just
take a moment out of
their busy day
and look up
they'd get a sense
of why the boat is not
catching as much air
as it should be.
So now they've
got the problem
of how they're going
to get mike off there.
Winston gets an idea.
He figures if
he tips it over
just as my boat's coming by,
they could drop mike
right into my boat
and somehow
win the race.
So they time it
and over he goes.
And right
through the hull.
Thank you, mike.
Lunch is now being served
on the poop deck.
Last year, bernice's mother
stayed with us for a
couple of weeks.
Then when she left,
as a thank-you,
she gave us one of these
grilling machines.
They're supposed to
help you lose weight.
I didn't think
it would work
but then she left
so in a way,
I lost 165 pounds
of unsightly fat
right then and there.
But for the lodge I need
something with a little
more surface area
'cause the guys have
a lot more surface area.
Lucky for me the dry cleaners
down the street went
out of business
and left this old
steam press machine behind.
Now, I don't want
to press the clothes,
I want to
press the flesh.
Now, the trick to these grills
that reduce fat content,
if that's what
you're in to,
is for the unit
to slant forward
so that the juices
will run off.
All's you got to do there
is prop the back up.
I recommend using a
vegetarian cookbook.
It's not just
for hiding anymore.
Okay, next you're going
to want some kind of trough
to catch the
fat in front here.
I suggest something with
little more capacity
than this.
Oh, there we go.
Now, this is a grill
and to any real man,
you can't have a grill
without a hood ornament.
Now, you can actually eat
the same brand you drive.
Put the hot cars
in the middle
and the cool, rare ones
close to the outside edges.
[ sizzling ]
oh, I almost forgot.
I got this trough slanted
so that the stuff doesn't
actually go to waste,
it goes into
this steam iron.
That'll come in real handy
if you want to give your
meat that final touch up.
You know,
a little extra juice.
Oh my...
What was that,
telling people
to go home?
You don't tell people
to go home when you're
hosting a party.
I didn't tell people
to go home.
You grabbed the
microphone and said,
"well, that's enough
of that, drive safely."
what was that, a public
service announcement?
It was getting late.
8:30, 8:30's late?
Well, harold,
in a baptist church,
8:30 is like midnight.
We were
all having fun.
We were not,
harold!
You were over in
the corner with
bonnie's family
talking over
childhood memories
and playing,
"who am I."
the rest of us were sitting
at the bar drinking
shirley temples
and playing,
"why are we here?"
okay, all right,
I acknowledge that,
you know, stags were
different in your day.
Yes, they were, harold.
You know, you had
strippers and gambling
and the groom would
end up in the hospital
with alcohol poisoning.
Were you at my stag?
No!
Uncle red, this may be
a shock to you,
but bonnie and I,
we don't see that as fun.
No, no, I know.
I'm mainly upset about having
to cancel those strippers.
You know, I'm just worried
about those beautiful women,
you know, they're intelligent
and they had great bodies,
you know, and --
just try not
to think about them.
I can't help
myself, harold.
[ possum squealing ]
meeting time.
Yeah, you go ahead,
I'll be right down.
Okay.
Oh, if my wife
is watching,
you may have
heard something
that you weren't
supposed to hear.
So let me just say
that my stag was way
more fun than harold's
because right after it,
I got to marry you.
Was that good enough or
should I pick up some flowers?
And to the rest of you,
thanks for watching.
On behalf of myself
and harold
and the whole gang up here
at possum lodge,
keep your stick on the ice.
[ cheers and applause ]
okay, guys, come on in.
Everybody sit down.
Sit down.
Grab a seat.
Down in the back, there.
All rise!
Quando omni flunkus moritati.
Red: Sit down.
Bow your heads
for the man's prayer.
I'm a man,
but I can change
if I have to...
I guess.
All right, men, harold's stag
is a clear message
that things
have changed.
It's a new reality and
it's right and it's fair
and we've all just got
to accept it.
But it also means that
the stags we had
were better than
they'll ever be again.
[ cheer ]
now, if we could only
remember them.
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