WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
You know, car theft is a real
common thing these days,
and they got all kinds of
gadgets to lock your
steering wheel
or sound alarm
or set the car on fire.
It's all supposed
to stop the thief.
Well, it's not working.
I got a better idea.
Get yourself a pretty
good hunk of chain,
a signal light,
and a leg trap
of some kind,
and what you wanna do is set
a reasonable price for
each of these items.
Sell 'em all at
a garage sale.
I figure this
stuff is worth
35 bucks.
Then I take my 35 bills,
and I buy a car like this.
And car theft is
just not gonna happen.
[ cheering and applause ]
might be time for a decaf.
But I do appreciate that.
Look what I found, huh?
Actually the possum lake museum
was having some renovations done
because the building is
older than the exhibits.
So we offered to let them store
their stuff at the lodge.
That's where I got -- I think
this could come in real handy
for keeping guys away
from the beer fridge.
Ceiling fan kind of a --
oh, be careful, red!
What?
It is extremely dangerous
to touch old things
when you don't know
where they've been.
Oh, yeah, is that why
ann marie never holds
your hand?
Well, I am
telling you, red,
that there is a reason that
those artifacts are in museums.
They have sort of
a supernatural power
that transcends
the passage of time.
So does the
lodge chili, dalton.
I'm not
gonna worry --
that's not what
I'm talking about.
Look what I found!
The kids are
gonna love this.
A 2000-year-old
rapper.
[ laughter ]
I call him
mummy dearest.
You guys shouldn't
be foolin' around
with this,
I'm tellin' you.
Well, go ahead.
Tell us.
We're listening.
Yeah, and you've got
this guy's rapt
attention.
Okay, you guys fool around
as much as you want.
I guarantee that this will
come back to haunt you,
because, trust me,
every mummy
comes with a curse.
Wow, what's
his problem?
Unhappy childhood.
He was a mummy's boy.
[ laughter ]
it's time to play the
possum lodge word game.
[ cheers and applause ]
our contestant today
is mr. Mike hamar.
[ applause ]
and he's going to be playing
for this plastic frog
that croaks whenever
you walk in front of it.
[ frog croaking ]
okay, let's just
leave it there.
Okay, now, um,
hide your ears and
plug your eyes.
Okay, now, red.
Yep.
You've got 30 seconds
to get mike hamar
to say this word.
Yeah, all right, ed.
All right.
And go!
Okay, mike,
lawyers are
called to this.
The gates of hades,
to burn in the flames of
eternal damnation?
No.
Okay, let's say you go
into the united states,
and the customs officer
knows you've got a record.
Yeah.
So he won't let
you in.
He blanks your entry.
I wouldn't let him
anywhere near my entry.
Okay.
All right.
Now, mike, mike,
when you get up in the morning
and you look out your window,
what's the first
thing you see?
Bars.
No, no, no, that's not
exactly right.
It's close.
Okay, mike,
it's not bars, but --
gay bars?
No, no.
Gay kung fu bars?
You're almost
outta time, red.
Okay, mike,
when you were a kid,
your mother would
give you a treat.
She'd give you a
chocolate --
gun?
But I didn't
eat it, though.
I used it to rob
one of the big kids.
I got his
candy bar.
[ applause ]
harold.
Uncle red.
What are you doing in
the utility closet?
Checking out the cleaning
supplies, harold.
Uncle red,
that's stealing.
Oh, harold, this is
a big company.
They've got
lots of bucks.
They expect a certain
amount of shrinkage.
It's in the budget.
Well, it's also on
the security camera.
Oh, okay.
No, good.
You know, harold,
I couldn't sleep
at night.
I was worried you were
in a low security
building.
That's good
to know.
Yes, well, there's also a
camera in the closet.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, good.
Good -- good --
good, harold.
That's good to know.
I'm glad I checked
that out.
You know,
uncle red,
I think you
have a misconception
about the relationship
between the employee
and the employer.
I don't actually have
an employer, harold.
Well, that's no
big surprise.
You have your
arm around me.
Well, that's because
I'm trying to be
a friend,
and friends don't let
friends do bad things.
The arm, harold.
Oh, uh --
uncle red,
I work for this company.
This company's tied
to my future.
You know, if you steal
from the company,
well, you're
stealing from me.
What's this
about, harold?
I'm trying
to make a point.
Is this about
the pen set?
No,
the stapler.
Fine.
Thank you.
Did you steal
my pen set too?
This is the repair shop
part of the show
we call, if it ain't broke,
you're not trying.
Joining us today
is hap shaugnessy.
What have you got
for us there, hap?
Well, this is
a lie detector, red.
It's supposed to light up
and buzz if anybody
tells a lie,
but it seems to go off
sporadically for no reason.
It's not me,
is it?
You not tellin'
the truth?
No, that's
impossible.
[ buzzer ]
seems to be
working fine, hap.
No, no, no,
it isn't.
Watch this.
Watch this.
My name is hap shaugnessy,
and I'm the first man
to swim under both poles,
climb mount fuji,
and land on the moon.
Well, I guess it's
all right now.
No, no, no, no!
I'll take a look
at it here.
Yeah, you might
as well.
Wouldn't hurt
to check it out.
I wish I'd done that with
the front suspension
when I set the
land speed record.
800 miles an hour,
straddling a 747 engine,
strapped to
a grocery cart.
Luckily I was in
the child seat,
so I was facing
backwards when she
went off the track.
You know how grocery carts
always have that
one shaky wheel?
Here's the problem.
You've got a
blown fuse here.
I think I've got
one of these.
I wonder how that
could've happened?
I was running it on
normal house power.
I built my own
thermonuclear generator,
but I'm not gonna start it up
until I'm sure I don't
want a family.
Well, it might've
been a bad fuse.
Maybe you've got a
spike in the line,
or something.
There we go.
There we go.
Give that a try.
Say something.
Say something.
What do you want
me to say?
I don't know what to say.
I never know what to say.
Right after the war,
eisenhower wanted me
to meet churchill.
I'm figuring,
oh, boy --
you know one thing that's
gotten real popular over
the last few years
is gardening.
I don't mean the ordinary
kind of gardening,
where you grow carrots
and tomatoes
and barley and hops.
I'm talking about
the fancy gardens.
You know, with the
exotic plants in them,
the waterfall and the sound
and lights and everything.
So today I'm going
to show you
how to make a cheap yet
impressive centrepiece
for your garden.
Now, I know you could just
wire speakers and lights
all over your yard,
but then the next
thing you know,
you've electrocuted
a groundhog,
and the greenpeacers
are all --
so we're gonna go
another way.
We're gonna use
wind power.
All's you need is
an old bike
and a set of drums.
You can get a full set of
drums pretty cheap.
All you gotta do is
hang around a music store,
until some parent comes in
and buys a set of drums
for their kid.
Just get their address,
wait about a month,
you'll be able to buy
the whole set back
for about ten cents
on the dollar.
All right, now,
the first step is
you wanna turn the bike
into a windmill stand.
You're pretty much on
your own there.
I don't believe
there's a manual for
that particular conversion.
Okay, step two now.
I just gotta mount the base drum
onto the windmill stand.
I've already attached the
unit to the bicycle wheel,
using the handyman's
secret weapon,
duct tape.
But I want you to
notice something here.
I've had to remove the struts
on this on this side
of the bicycle,
which means I've weakened the
structural integrity
of the bike itself,
so I have to
compensate for that
by really horsing down
the axle to the other side.
[ grunting ]
okay, we're just
about done here.
I've, uh, added
a couple of drum sticks.
They're actually hinged to
the rim of the drum.
So as she goes round,
they're gonna hit the
floor tom and then the snare,
and then on the top side,
they slam up against
the base drum.
So I get a down beat
on the base drum,
I get my back beat
on the snare,
I get a funky riff
happening on the floor tom,
all against a steady ride
on the cymbals.
This is not just
a garden ornament,
this is a happening.
So remember, if the women
don't find you handsome,
they should at least
find you handy.
Now all we gotta do
is wait for the wind.
[ drum solo playing ]
I wanna talk to you middle-aged
do-it-yourselfers out there.
I know you're the kind of guy
that, when something breaks,
you think it's your right
and your duty
to try to fix it.
Even if it doesn't break,
sometimes you want to just
take something apart to
see how it works
before you'll use it.
And a lot of times,
when you take it apart
to see how it works,
it doesn't.
Okay, I know this is a
key part of your behavior,
it might even be
how you define yourself,
but I'm tellin' you,
there are certain things
that you just shouldn't
fool around with...
A portable
dialysis machine;
somebody else's wife;
anything with one of those
radioactive stickers on it.
I know this is gonna
be hard to hear from me,
but I gotta tell you,
there are certain times
you just gotta say,
I can't fix this, okay?
Don't say it
out loud.
Just put all the parts
of the vcr or the computer
back to where they were --
or as close as you can get 'em.
Then what you say
real loud is,
boy, this is
a bad design.
I would never have put the
comstater so close to
the pulse regulator.
Then what you wanna do is
go over to the phone --
not the one you fixed,
the other one,
the one that works.
Do yourself a favour
and call a professional.
Remember,
I'm pullin' for you.
We're all in
this together.
Red, red,
you know, you shouldn't
be doin' that.
Your little mummy was
an egyptian prince
in 600 b.C.
It says his entire
family was strangled,
and he's vowed
to come back and
return the favour!
Yep.
I told you there was a curse.
This mummy's dangerous!
I've got him
under control, dalton.
Hold it right
there, bandage boy.
[ laughter ]
I give up.
Oh, you know, these people
who work in museums, eh?
They must have
a lot of laughs.
Oh, here's
sir lancelot.
This armour
is great.
I can handle anything
with this stuff on.
Except rain.
Oh, yeah, right.
Yeah, you know.
You know, it must've
been really neat,
sort of, living
in the olden days.
You know those days before
neighbourhood watch
and police radios
and stuff.
Mike, I'm just
thinking.
You know you're about
the same body style
as the mu --
you know we could
do a switch
and play a real
trick on dalton.
Huh? Huh?
Okay!
Yeah, but let's not
kill him or anything.
No, no.
No, all right.
No, no, no.
Tell you what.
You get that
armour off.
I've got some old bandages
down in the basement.
We'll just --
you know.
Okay, well, put him
on the workbench
downstairs.
I'm gonna get
me a drink.
Okay, but you can't
drink here.
You have to go to an
all-"knight" tavern.
[ laughter ]
did you like
that one?
[ applause ]
oh, oh, red green.
This is great.
I was wondering when
you'd get here.
Didn't you see me
get out of my van?
Well, yeah, but it's
a lot a steps
for somebody like
you with a --
well, it's great
to see you.
Oh, I've got some
exciting news.
I'm going to be
turning my watchtower
into a small educational
museum of the forest.
You gonna be one of
the exhibits, gord?
No, no, I'm going to be
the museum curator.
Do you know what
that means?
Not in this
case, no.
I'm going to be in charge
of all the exhibits.
Here's my first
museum piece here.
Can you figure out
what this is?
Yeah, that's
poison ivy.
That's right.
That's exactly
what that is.
Oh, here's
another one.
Can you tell me
what this is?
Well, yeah, that's
just a slice of a tree,
showing you the
tree rings there.
That's right.
Now, what can we learn from
this slice of tree,
as you call it?
That you have a chain saw,
which scares me, frankly.
Oh, no, we can learn
far more than that.
Allow me
to educate.
You see this outermost
ring here?
You mean the bark?
That's correct.
Now, I can tell by
looking at this ring
that this is exactly when
this tree was cut down.
Wow.
Oh, yeah.
Just by looking at it.
Now, let's move on
to the next five
outermost rings.
I can tell by
looking at these
that all of these years
had something in common.
The summers were
short, cool,
and very,
very lonely.
[ whimpering ]
and if you look
closer, okay,
you can see that there wasn't a
woman here or here or here...
All right, gord.
Ever!
Is it possible that you're
letting your personal
problems affect this?
No, no, I know there's
never been a woman here.
I should know,
I'm the museum curator.
Yeah, okay, gord,
gord, now, it's time
for you to make a
decision here.
If you want to
protect the forest,
you have to live here
in the fire tower;
if you wanna
meet a woman,
you're gonna have
to move into town and
get professional help.
So what's
it gonna be?
Girls or squirrels?
Squirrels.
Just don't let
them bury you, gord.
Red:
Just enjoying
a drink of pop,
waiting for a little help
to move a fridge.
Where are my helpers?
Oh, some golfers may
end up as my helpers,
whether they wanna
be or not.
Hey, dalton.
That's walter.
No, no, no,
not just yet.
I'll give you the ball back,
but you gotta help me.
Just gotta move the fridge,
just down a few steps.
Just a couple
of steps down --
you know, it looks
worse than it is.
I think once we get it --
hey, look, it's not --
we're not going up.
You know.
Everybody grab a corner.
It's not that bad.
Up she goes.
Push her up.
Come on, one, two --
everybody together --
two, three, up.
Everybody up.
Up, up.
Everybody up.
Okay, all right,
all right, all right.
Okay, okay --
yeah.
All right, no,
I should have emptied it.
Okay, all right.
Okay, fine.
Fine, fine, fine.
Don't make a big deal
out of it.
Just take
a minute here.
There we go.
Ah, okay.
That's it.
Away we go.
Everybody grab a corner.
Let's go.
Let's go.
One, two, three,
up she goes there.
And up, up.
Man, oh, man.
Okay, we're doin' good.
We're doin' fine.
Okay.
Oop.
Oh, oh, oh.
O-o-oh!
Oh, geez.
Oh, oh.
Oh, man.
Oh, oh, geez.
Now, walter's a young fella,
doesn't have a girlfriend,
so he has power.
There we go.
All right, look at this.
Take her up.
Take her up.
Sometimes it's easier for one
man to do a job, you know --
he can balance it
and, you know --
he's got what they call
a balanced load.
None of the rest
of us have that.
Take her up.
Get her up where --
okay, okay, now, walter,
set her down on your head.
Set her down right
on your head,
that flat part there.
Well, it'll be flat
in a minute.
There we go.
There we go.
Now bal -- bal --
easy, easy.
Easy, easy, easy.
Use the hand railings.
That's what they're there for
there you go.
There you go.
Hey, where's
my can of pop?
Man, I could really --
anybody seen my pop?
Oh, there it is.
Oh, oh!
All right, now, don't
try this at home, kids.
He's --
watch out --
oh!
O-o-oh!
Oh, my gosh.
Holy cow.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, my --
don't worry,
we're comin', walter.
We're comin'.
Oh, oh, oh --
oh!
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Ah, wow.
Well, we got her
down there.
Okay, I'll just
plug that in,
and we can go up and
get the groceries.
And I don't know
where walter got to,
but anyway --
oh, there he is.
Well, you seem
a little chilly.
All right, there's
your golf ball back.
You've earned it.
Thanks, walter.
Oh, hi.
Hey, how are you?
Oh, right, um --
welcome to
mike's teen talk.
Today I wanna talk about
blaming your parents.
It's important
not to do that.
You know, I never blamed
my mom or any of my dads.
They were too busy living
their own lives, you know,
trying to make ends meet
and comin' up with a
believable alibi.
Maybe it's time you grew up
a little bit, eh?
Maybe it's time
you became an adult.
And to do that, you gotta stop
blamin' your parents
and put the blame where it
really belongs...
On the system.
The system
really sucks.
Like, say you pilfer a little
money from your parents.
They might ground
you for a few nights
in your little home, right?
Well, you pilfer some
money from a bank,
and they'll ground you for a
few years in their big house!
Or say you're fed up
with your parents
because they won't let you
borrow their only car.
General motors has
millions of cars,
and they get really upset
if you borrow their's!
And talk about
your parents' rules.
Have you ever seen
the penal code?
Talk about strict!
So I'd stick with
my parents, if I were you.
Sure they're tough,
but at least with
your parents,
you're eligible for
parole when you're 18.
That's it.
Oh, great, eh?
You found
the bandages?
Man, you look
terrific.
You're gonna scare
the crap outta dalton.
This is great.
This is great.
He's comin' now,
so just have some
fun with it.
Red, you wanted
to see me?
Yeah, you know,
dalton,
I've been thinking about
this curse of the
mummy thing.
I think there might
be something to that.
Why?
What --
did something
bad happen?
No, no, no,
nothing happened,
but you know,
you just never know.
Red!
Why take chances?
Red!
What? What?
I think I saw
that mummy move!
See, dalton,
you know,
you get
so carried away.
Why can't you just
go along with --
ah! Red!
Mummy!
The mummy!
You see, this is why
nobody believes you,
because you
overreact.
No don't.
It's alive!
It's alive, red!
What are you
talkin' about?
Ah! Dalton,
do something.
Do something.
All right.
All right.
That's enough, mike.
Go take the
bandages off.
That's all right.
That's good.
Ah!
Dalton, come on.
It's not the mummy.
It's only mike.
Come on,
it's only mike.
We played a
joke on you.
It's only mike.
It's just mike.
That's all it is.
Hey, mike!
Mike!
Yes, mr. Green?
[ applause and laughter ]
[ possum squealing ]
oh, meeting time.
Yeah.
Come on, dalton.
Um, if my wife
is watchin',
uh, I'll be comin' straight
home after the meeting.
I'm hoping you can explain
what just happened here,
unless you think it's better
that I don't know,
like that way you handled the
whole childbirth thing.
Uh, the rest of you,
thanks for watchin'.
On behalf of myself and
the whole gang up here
at possum lodge,
keep your mummy on the ice.
[ cheers and applause ]
closed captioning performed
by intercaption canada
www.Intercaption.Com
okay, we gotta start
the meeting.
Sit down.
Everybody sit down.
Sit down.
Sit down.
All rise!
Quando omni flunkus moritati.
Sit down.
All right, men,
bow your heads for
the man's prayer.
I'm a man,
but I can change,
if I have to,
I guess.
Closed captioning provided by