WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
If you have cherry trees
in your area,
this is the time of year when
you wanna get over there
and start picking those babies.
The danger is maybe you
don't have a decent ladder --
or maybe you do,
but you loaned it to somebody,
or maybe you gave it
back to somebody.
Then you start thinking about
climbing the tree to get
at the cherries,
or worse yet, making
your own scaffolding.
Hi, mr green.
Hi, mike.
I wouldn't advise it,
unless you like hospital food.
No, no, here's a simple
one-step way to pick
your own cherries.
[ mike moaning ]
all you need is a friend
who has a convertible.
Probably better if it's
not a close friend.
[ applause ]
[ cheering and applause ]
all right, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, appreciate that.
You know, my wife bernice
was taking a hard look at the
possum van the other day,
and she's decided we need
a second vehicle,
something she would
actually ride in.
So I know a fair
bit about cars,
and I was looking at
one of my favourite magazines,
and, uh, saw an ad in there
where you can get an
army surplus jeep
for 75 bucks.
75 bucks!
Come on!
I called the number,
I placed my order.
The guy had kind
of a weird accent.
I don't care, I'm getting an
army jeep for 75 bucks!
Hey, red,
your jeep's in.
Really?
Where is it?
What?
It's in this crate.
What's all
this stuff?
Jeep parts.
There's another
15 crates out back.
Oh, great,
it's a kit!
Did they send
any instructions?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Bilingual.
Spanish and german.
Oh, that doesn't matter.
I know what a jeep looks like.
Oh, I don't have a
good feeling about this.
Oh, come on,
winston.
A jeep is the most
logical vehicle
ever made.
You just take one piece
and just go step by step.
Just takes a few
brains, that's all.
I don't have a good
feeling about this.
Winston, it's only
75 bucks, for
crying out --
listen, I've been working
around cars and trucks
all my life,
and I know a good
deal when I see it.
Yeah, well, I've been working
around sewage all my life,
and I know crap
when I see it!
[ laughter and applause ]
it's time for the
possum lodge word game!
[ cheering and applause ]
and today, dalton is going
to be playing for a free
dinner for two at
hoofers restaurant
and sports bar.
Ooh, la la.
At hoofers all the
waitresses have big feet.
Okay, mr green, you've got
30 seconds to get dalton
to say this word...
Yeah, yeah,
all right, mike.
And go!
Okay, dalton, this is
a mechanical device
that only your wife uses.
The remote control?
Okay, okay, but when anne
marie's watching television
what do you use
to clean the carpet?
Tweezers.
Okay.
Say you had a container
of some kind and it sucked
everything out of it, okay?
What's left inside is...
My life.
All right, okay, no.
This is something that has a
bag on the back and the
dog barks at it.
Oh, the postman!
Almost outta time,
mr green.
Okay, dalton, have you ever
seen your daughter's
boyfriend eat?
Oh, he's a vacuum!
There you go!
[ cheering and applause ]
hi, winston rothschild here
of rothschild's sewage and
septic sucking services.
If what you see
is what you did,
call me before
you close the lid.
Kind of going
off the beaten path on
today's handyman corner.
Gonna do something a little
more on the craft side.
For those of you who don't
appreciate sledgehammers
and chain saws,
and still have the time to sit
down and write a letter
to the network,
where they can start
putting pressure on me,
thank you very much.
So today we're gonna show
you how you can make pottery
using kitchen appliances.
And for those of you who
enjoy this kind of thing,
I would suggest that you
pay real close attention,
because this is a
one-time only situation,
believe me.
Right now I'm making up a
batch of quick-drying cement
that we're gonna use
to make our mold.
This is actually a recipe
from my grandmother for
sugar cookies.
Hard as nails.
Oh, yeah, my grandfather
could never eat 'em
until she made him a set of
teeth out of the same stuff.
We're gonna use this stuff to
make fridge magnets, yeah.
Gonna make fridge magnets
in the shape of...
Beer caps.
So all we gotta do is stick
the beer cap down into
the cookie mix
and get her
completely covered.
Get her well in there
and get her --
uh-oh.
I lost it.
It's gotta be down
there somewhere.
Oh, oh --
okay, uh, plan "b."
we're gonna make a fridge
magnet in the shape of
a wristwatch.
Okay, this is fun,
isn't it, ladies?
I've managed to remove
the watch from the mold.
Now what I do is pour
olive oil into her there
so that nothing
will stick to it.
This is, uh, virgin olive oil.
Well, it's never
been used for this before.
Now all I gotta do is
use more cement
and inject it into the mold
with this cake decorator.
This is also called
a forced piping bag.
Sounds scottish,
doesn't it?
All right, you lay
that in there,
and you just let her set
for about ten minutes.
Okay, now I have my
plaster watch,
which is an exact replica
of my original watch,
including, unfortunately,
the warranty.
Now, I'm just gonna
paint that up there
to make it look
even more lifelike.
Isn't that beautiful?
Doesn't matter what
time you paint it to,
it'll be right
twice a day.
Enjoy that one, ladies?
All right, what I'm gonna do
now to make it into a
fridge magnet
is to add a little piece
of magnet onto the back
of her there.
This is a real
powerful magnet.
It's made out of molybdenite
or plutonium or something.
I'm just gonna cut a little
chunk off the back of that.
Had a bit of a re-think
on the magnet thing.
Just gonna use a little piece
of duct tape stuck on
there instead.
All right, ladies,
we're almost finished.
You can go back to your
knitting any time now,
but you know, sometimes it's
those last couple of steps
that really make
the difference,
make it a professional
looking job.
Because, you know, yeah,
we got it painted,
but real pottery has that nice
smooth glaze on the outside,
so what I'm gonna do is
take my dishwasher here,
and take the intake hose --
see this can of lacquer?
I just stick the intake
hose into the lacquer,
and that'll spray
a nice finish on there.
A lot smoother than you
can do with, say, a brush
or a piece of paper towel.
[ sound of
dishwasher running ]
and now the last step, ladies.
Put the watch into
the toaster oven kiln
and cure the glaze.
At this point it's probably
looking pretty simple.
And you can use the control
between light and dark
to set the deepness
of your colour.
And it's just that easy.
[ timer bell ringing ]
oh, it's all done.
[ blowing ]
just what everybody needs...
A hot watch.
So remember, if the women
don't find you a craftsman,
they should at least
find you crafty.
[ cheering and applause ]
you know, when you get
to be a guy my age,
you really wanna sit back
and keep your mouth shut
as often as possible.
And there are certain times
when speaking your mind
is even more dangerous
than usual.
Well, like, say,
at the church picnic
when you suddenly remember the
joke that ex-marine told you.
Or any time your
wife is acting friendly.
Or if you happen to be
sitting in the passenger seat
the first time your teenager
drives the family car.
I know, you wanna scream out;
you wanna grab
the steering wheel;
you may even rip the arm rest
right off the door panel;
but you gotta just
kinda stay relaxed,
you gotta take the long view.
Cast your mind ahead
a couple of months
to where they've got
their driver's license
and your pulse has
returned to normal.
You know what?
Your life is gonna get
a lot better then.
You won't have to
chauffeur them around
every time they
want a new tattoo.
And they'll even
run errands for you.
So just kind of
cool it down, you know?
Just sit there and don't
let them see you cringe
every time they knock
over a stop sign.
And when they clip off a
mirror off a parked vehicle,
compliment them for missing
the rest of the cop car.
You just stay calm now,
and in a couple of months,
you'll be able to dangle
these car keys in front
of your teenager
and suddenly have that trump
card you so desperately need.
Remember, I'm pulling for you,
we're all in this together.
[ applause ]
well, we're getting the jeep
together bit by bit.
It's not easy,
but, hey, 75 bucks.
If I wasn't so bad with pliers
I'd have to pinch myself.
The only problem has been the
steering and the pedals.
They seem all kinda backwards.
But, I'll tell ya, you get
a big enough hammer and
lots of duct tape,
you can make anything work.
Yeah?
Hey, red.
I think I figured out why we
were having so much trouble
with the steering.
You see these decals?
You bought a j.D.F. Vehicle.
Yeah, okay,
that's fine, I guess.
Do you know
what j.D.F. Means?
Well, as long as it doesn't
mean "jeep doesn't function,"
I don't care.
It was 75 bucks.
It's probably worth
1,000 bucks.
It's probably worth
5,000 bucks.
Red, j.D.F. Stands for
jamaican defence force.
The jeep's
from jamaica!
Well, irie, mon.
And what does that have to
do with the steering being
all kind of weird?
Well, because in jamaica
they drive on the left
side of the road;
you know, like in England.
So this jeep's
a right-hand drive.
Well, not anymore.
Yeah, I know that.
I'm just a little concerned
about converting a vehicle
from right-hand drive
to left-hand drive
by beating the living
daylights out of all
the linkage pieces.
Well, okay, so it's not
going to be perfect,
you know.
No! It's going to be a hazard
to every person in the vehicle
and every other vehicle
on the road.
This jeep's a death trap!
I know, but it
was only 75 bucks!
Anyway, as long
as the brakes work,
there's no
real problem.
Who's hooking
up the brakes?
Well, I am.
I don't have a good
feeling about this.
Winston, when have I ever
built something that
didn't work?
All right, fine.
When I get my
deathtrap together,
you don't get
to ride in it!
Oh, come on!
No, no, if you're
gonna be critical,
you don't get the
fun of risking
your life.
No!
Just kidding.
No, I was
no, no, no.
Aw, come on.
[ applause ]
today on talking animals,
local animal control
officer, ed frid,
is here to teach us a little
bit about chameleons.
Come on.
Come on up, ed.
It's only a chameleon,
for crying out loud.
Chameleons are
cold-blooded, red.
That means
they're indifferent
to death and killing.
No, it doesn't.
It just means they have no
tolerance for winter.
They're like seniors.
[ laughter ]
red, chameleons have
tongues longer than
their whole bodies!
They're total
freak shows.
And their eyes,
they move independently,
like this...
How can you trust
anything like this?
Stop doing
that, ed.
Get the chameleon
out here.
I don't think we
should do that.
Oh, for gosh sakes.
No, red,
don't do that!
If the chameleon feels
its space is being invaded,
it'll shoot its tongue
right up your nose.
And then it will pull out
a piece of your brain.
I don't think there's even a
chameleon in there, ed.
The chameleons
change colours to
match their surroundings.
He's coloured himself
to look like a chunk
of wood.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
[ laughter ]
he doesn't actually turn
into a chunk of wood,
does he, ed?
Huh? Huh?
No, uh --
watch your nose.
Well, if that's just wood,
where's the chameleon?
Don't make any
sudden movements, red.
( gasps )
[ laughter and applause ]
he could be
anywhere.
Oh, uh, ed,
you know what?
Maybe you
should go home.
You might've
left him there.
Yeah, I probably did.
Yeah, thanks.
That's probably where he is.
[ laughter and applause ]
red: Well, we're all meeting
up there on the hill.
Walter had his
little soapbox going
and I brought mine in,
the road hog.
Boy, winston has --
he's got money, you can tell.
And then dalton --
oh, look at this.
Look at this rig.
Check this one out.
Oh, man.
Oh, baby.
Two, three, go!
And winston gets
off like a rocket.
I don't have the -- the --
I'm coming.
I'm gaining.
I'm gaining.
I'm gaining.
I'm gaining.
Dalton's got some problems.
Start your engines,
there, dalton.
Winston's doing all right.
Oh, log! Log!
Oh!
Now we're sliding good.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Okay, so winston won that.
Walter came in second.
And I was, uh --
oh, oh, that's
gotta hurt.
( chuckling )
okay, I got my deal.
Let's have a rematch here.
That's not fair.
You had the expensive cart.
We had an idea.
It'll be winston against
the whole bunch of us.
So he's got his, and we
kinda took all our carts
and put them together
into a beauty.
Look at that.
Now you're talking.
All right, smart guy,
you ready?
Here we go.
One, two, three,
and we're off!
Heave ho.
There we go.
Let go of the oars.
Okay, now, it takes a while.
We've got a little
more weight,
but once we get --
turn this --
no, no, no --
okay, that's --
no, no, no!
Too much.
Too much.
Too much.
Log! Log!
Oh, no!
Oh, boy.
And right up and
over winston,
and...
Hey, we got him!
All right.
[ cheering and applause ]
you know, I always love it when
you can combine nature and
technology.
Like they do on a sun dial
or water wheel
or a drive-in theatre.
Now, for my part of nature,
I'm gonna use this sunflower.
It turns to face the sun
as the day goes by.
And for my technology,
I've got this satellite dish
that's controlled by
this joy stick.
I figure there's gotta be
a way to get these two
working together.
Well, I did it.
I hooked the joy stick
up to the sunflower,
so the sunflower's going
to keep this satellite dish
pointing at the sun
all day long.
Give me a week, I'll look
like george hamilton,
or maybe george burns.
[ applause ]
you know, some people
have looks;
some have brains;
some have talent.
Then there was
delmore clumpstead.
Everybody figured delmore
would have a tough life
because the village
had downsized
and no longer needed an idiot.
Delmore clumpstead was maybe
the dumbest guy ever
at possum lake.
Now, just take a moment
to truly appreciate
that benchmark.
He was so dumb he didn't
even know how dumb he was.
But that was his
greatest asset.
Yeah, it gave him all kinds
of confidence in himself
and so much disdain
for other people.
We thought he had
a future in politics.
Delmore had no
interest in school,
and the feeling was mutual.
He didn't like it when people
would say things to him
that he didn't understand.
He wanted to do
that himself.
So he formed a business where
he would give advice
to strangers.
They were supposed to
come into his office,
and he would tell them
what was wrong with them
and how much smarter he was.
It was kind of like
talking to your dad,
except you had
to pay for it.
Well, it shocked the
heck out of everyone
when delmore's advice
thing took off.
People came from
all over the place
to give delmore 10 bucks
to tell them what
was wrong with them.
Wasn't long before he
published a whole series
of self-help books.
"you know what the
trouble with you is?"
"you're wrong
and I'll tell you why."
oh, and his real
money maker...
"stop whining and
write me a cheque."
I knew a lot of guys in prison
who were way smarter than
delmore clumpstead.
But you know, it's tough being
a successful criminal
if you've got
a lot of brains.
People realise you're smart,
then they get suspicious.
Delmore, he never
had that problem.
Looking into his eyes was like
looking into outer space;
except it was more vacuum.
[ siren wailing ]
I gotta go.
I'm bringing back a
ladder for a friend.
Oh, delmore was
a one-man show.
Nobody worked for him.
(chuckling)
I remember he came to see
my dad in the early '50s,
looking to buy a monkey.
My dad asked him
what he wanted it for.
Delmore said he wanted
to have a monkey as
his vice president.
Maybe that's where
george bush got the idea.
( screaming )
delmore could never sustain
his early success,
but he did prove a couple
of things in his lifetime.
He proved that you can never
go broke underestimating
the self-esteem of the
north american public,
and if you wanna
make it real big,
you need more
than one idiot.
That last one became
the mission statement
of possum lodge.
We thank you for that,
delmore clumpstead.
[ applause ]
uh, okay, uh --
had our first
test drive in the jeep.
We got a few bugs we
gotta work on her there.
Problems?
Uh, no, everything's
uh, under control.
Okay, a little tip for you
handymen out there...
If you're ever working on a
right-hand drive vehicle,
the nut that holds the
wheel on is, in fact,
left-hand thread.
No matter how much you turn
it to the right, it will
not tighten,
and, in fact, the wheel
will eventually come
off in your hand.
Everything okay,
there, winston?
Whew!
Well, the fire's out.
But now it sort of smells
like three-day-old
jerk pork.
Well,
you would know.
Oh, by the way,
if you get the jeep
back on the road again,
I'm calling
the cops myself!
Gee, you know, I don't
think it went that bad.
Not that bad?
When you turned left,
it went right.
When you hit the brakes,
it went faster.
That can't be okay.
Okay, but this is what
happens in history, right.
Some people persevere,
others quit just when
they're close to success.
Well, you're close
to something,
but it isn't success.
So you're saying I
should abandon the jeep?
Oh, yeah!
What if I let
you drive?
I don't think so.
No, no.
Oh, man, winston,
it's so hard for me
to admit I was wrong.
Well, I'll mention
that at the funeral.
[ possum squealing ]
oh, meeting time,
there, mr knievel.
You go ahead, winston.
I'll be right down.
Okay, if my wife is watching,
honey, uh, I think you should
go out and get yourself
whatever car you want.
But I'm bringing home kind of
an interesting lawn sculpture.
It's kind of an
automotive charcoal theme.
It only cost me 75 bucks,
but I bet it's worth 5,000.
And to the rest of you,
thanks for watching.
On behalf of myself and
the whole gang up here
at possum lodge,
keep your stick on the ice.
[ cheering and applause ]
take a seat, everyone.
Sit down, everyone.
Sit down.
Sit down, please.
Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.
All rise.
Quando omni flunkus moritati.
Red: Sit down.
All right, men, bow your heads
for the man's prayer.
All: I'm a man,
but I can change,
if I have to, I guess.
Red: Okay, first of all,
I wanna thank all you guys
for helping me put
that jeep together.
I know this is going
to disappoint you,
but I decided to take her
off the road permanently.
[ cheering and applause ]
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