WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
You know,
when you get married
there are certain things
that your wife would
prefer you stop doing,
like starting
at other women,
scratching yourself
in church
and the big daddy
of them all,
owning a motorcycle.
To a woman a motorcycle
represents brain damage,
which she knows
you can't afford.
So here's the deal.
See, to a women,
cars are just cars.
You ask a guy what kind
of car he drives,
he'll give you the year,
make, model, horsepower
and serial number.
You ask a woman
like bernice,
she'll say,
a white one.
To most women,
car's are all the same.
So knowing that and having
an old refrigerator box
and a little
extra paint,
you can still get
your motorcycle.
[ cheers and applause ]
thanks very much.
No, no, appreciate it.
You know, it's funny how you
get feeling sorry for
yourself sometimes
and then you see
somebody else
who's really taking it
in the ear,
and it makes you
feel so much better, huh?
Like I was thinking,
you know,
we pay a lot for
gas in canada,
and then today, I'm looking
in the daily movement,
and I see
an article there
that says americans are
paying three bucks a
gallon for gas!
Wow, that's a shame!
Uncle red, uncle red!
Can I borrow
the possum van?
Well, well, well,
suddenly riding around
in the possum van
isn't such a bad way
to get around,
eh, harold?
Oh no, no,
it's still bad,
but I'm not
in a hurry so...
I was just
telling everybody
that americans are
paying three bucks
a gallon for gas.
Boy, that'd
be great, huh?
No, harold,
you don't understand
we only pay like
a buck a litre.
Yeah, and how many
litres are in a gallon?
Well, who cares?
Oh, you will
in a minute.
There's four and a half
litres in a gallon
so we're paying
around $4.50.
Harold, you don't
understand.
It doesn't matter what
it costs in gallons
if we're buying
it in litres.
Okay, okay, okay.
How much does it co-o-ost
to fill the possum van?
I don't kn-o-o-ow!
I never put more than
20 bucks worth in.
Okay, well, what does that
make the gas gauge
needle do?
Quiver a little.
Okay, but there was a time
that same amount of money
would make that
gas gauge go to full,
but yet today that
same 20 dollars
gives you a mere
five gallons.
That's the problem.
You know, harold, even if
that's right, it's not right.
I'm going to
see about this.
I'm going to look
into this, harold.
I'm going to do
something about it.
Okay, yes,
you should!
And while you're fighting
the petroleum industry
can I borrow
the possum van?
Not at these prices.
It's time for the
possum lodge word game!
[ cheers and applause ]
today's winner will
receive this coupon
for a free lesson
in electrocution
from the messy-your-pants
school of pubic spanking.
Ah... Hahaha.
A free lesson in elocution
from the monsieur panee
school of public speaking.
Okay, dalton,
cover your ears.
Okay, mr. Green,
you've got 30 seconds
to get dalton humphreys
to say this word...
Yeah, all right,
mike.
And go!
Okay, dalton, this is when
you jump up and down.
Uh... Never?
Okay, no.
Okay, when you were a kid
you got on a pogo stick and...
Groin injury.
Okay, okay.
Say a pretty girl in a car
comes up to you
on the street
instead of saying,
"get in,"
she might say...
Get lost?
Okay, no, no.
Okay, no.
This is a game that
kids play on the street,
something scotch.
Drinking scotch.
That's not it, no.
Oh, I know, I know.
This is something that
rabbits do all the time.
Rub it in,
why don't you, huh?
We're almost out
of time, mr. Green.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, dalton, we're
going way back here.
You and anne-marie
in high school,
let's go to the...
Clinic?
I'm talking about
the high school dance.
Oh, no, we never went
to the dances, no.
You would find us sitting
at home watching bonanza.
Anne-marie
loved hop sing --
there we go!
Oh, holy smokes!
Mike: What do you guys think
about same sex marriage?
Red: That's all
marriage is, mike,
the same sex
for 40 years.
[ laughing ]
same solo sex.
[ silence ]
you know what I mean.
There's been a lot
of debate lately about
changing the law
to allow same sex couples
to get married, eh?
Dalton: Well, you know,
I think marriage
should only be
for men and women
because you know
marriage is all about
having children.
Oh, oh,
I'm sorry, red.
I just meant that all
children should be
born in wedlock.
I'm sorry, mike!
No, I -- I --
what I mean is
that I don't think men
should marry other men.
You see, that's
just the kind
of closed-minded
attitude
that keeps our society
from growing and maturing.
Well, I think it's
for their own good.
Gay men are far too
sensitive to survive
a marriage.
Well, what if you were gay,
would that change things?
You'd have to do
something about your hair?
What about you,
mr. Green?
What do you think
about same sex marriage?
Mike, I don't like
to think about things.
It shows.
You've never thought
about the issue?
Oh yeah, sure,
for a while,
but then harold got
the girlfriend
and then I relaxed
after that.
But I know now that it's
just a religious right
battling ideals with
the liberalist left.
Bernice made me
read an article.
You know, I've often
wondered if...
Anne-marie was gay.
She wasn't before
you met her.
I know if I was gay,
I'd want to get married...
Not just live in sin.
Yeah, but you have
a high moral code,
mike.
But if my getaway driver
and I got married,
we wouldn't have to
testify against
each other.
[ applause ]
a lot of toy companies
have done real well
by taking things
from the real world
and then scaling
them down,
like cars...
Or people.
Boy, did he ever
get scaled down.
Whenever I see success,
I try to do the
exact opposite.
So I'm taking toys
and scaling them up
for the real world.
For example, I'm working
on a new way to climb
downstairs
using a coil of
1/2-inch copper tubing.
And I'm biggie-sizing
this nerf rocket
as my design for an affordable
satellite launching system.
I just need to build a
size 9000 shoe full
of concrete.
But my ultimate
project is to design
an energy
efficient vehicle
that will take 10 feet
of backwards motion
and turn it into a mile
of forward motion.
Okay, step one is to
get yourself all the parts
that you're
going to need,
like, for example,
well, you're going to need
a vehicle of some kind
and then you're
going to need --
well, I'm going to have
to take this apart
to see how it works.
Just uh --
okay, I'm going to
actually need
the greatest handyman
tool of all...
Socialized medicine.
The doctor wanted
to x-ray my hand,
so I put the toy truck in the
machine at the same time,
and I notice that there's
an elastic tube
running around
the axle.
So I had to get something
big and stretchy.
Not as easy
as it used to be.
I went with these
jumbo tire inner tubes.
You can get these
pretty cheap.
Just look for an abandoned
truck with a flat.
I added an extra
rim back here
so I'd have something
to attach the elastic to...
And 'cause it looks sharp.
Don't spare the
duct tape on this job.
You don't want to be
smacked by this baby.
It'll make that wet towel
in the boy's locker room
feel like a love tap...
Which I hope it wasn't.
Now we just back it up
10 feet or so
and then zoom
down the highway
without any
energy required.
You've heard of hybrid
gas-electrics?
This is a
hybrid gas-elastic.
Now you just put
her in neutral...
This isn't....
Gonna work.
I needed a way to let
the elastic slip off
when it gets to the end,
so I welded a bathtub
water spout on to thm
on a bit of
an angle here,
and then I attached
a shower ring
to the end
of my elastic.
Now when I back up,
it'll hold,
but when I go forward
and it's slack,
it'll just slide off.
And it's just that easy,
the farther you want
to go forward,
the farther
you go backwards.
And speaking
of marriage...
Remember, if women
don't find you handsome,
they should at least
find you handy.
One thing my
father taught me
was the importance
of packaging.
Packaging can make
anything look attractive,
which explains
how he got mom.
Packaging is everything.
You know what else
is also everything?
Names.
Look at cars,
mustang, matrix,
infinity.
I'm not sure why they're
allowed to call a car
an infinity,
if you can see
both ends but...
Anyway, sounds good,
doesn't it, eh?
Or take soap: Doesn't
zest sound way better
than animal fat
and chemicals?
Names are everything.
If they called
bermuda shorts
exposures of pasty,
hairy legs, who'd buy them?
And bathroom tissue
sounds much classier
than its job.
So what's good enough
for the advertising agencies
is good enough for you.
Don't defend
your faults,
rename them.
You're not cheap,
you're cautious.
You aren't lazy,
you're ergonomic.
You aren't shallow,
you're living in the moment.
It's not what it is,
it's what you call it.
Master that and you'll
be rich, admired
and possibly president...
For two terms.
Remember,
I'm pulling for you.
We're all
in this together.
When the conditions
are right
for swimming in your
backyard pool,
call your friends.
When the conditions
are right
for swimming
in your backyard,
call me.
[ crash / brakes squeal ]
boy.
Yeah.
[ applause ]
hey.
Talk about being in the
right place at the
right time.
We've got an
oil crisis going on,
and we've come up
with an alternative.
The port asbestos
golf club,
they've been losing money
since day one.
They were hoping to get
the canadian open,
but they hadn't made
all the conditions
like lockers,
running water
and more than six holes.
Well, of course,
they went under
so we went over.
Picked up nine
electric carts.
It's fun driving
an electric car
because when you come
home late at night,
nobody can hear you
pulling up the driveway.
Uncle red?
Yeah?
You know, I didn't
hear you pull up,
you know,
but sensing by
the property damage,
I knew you were around.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what, we don't
care about the price of
gas anymore, harold.
The lodge is
going electric.
How do you plan
to get anywhere
in a golf cart that has
a range of about
12 kilometres
before it needs
to be recharged?
You just don't
think the way I do,
do you, harold?
I hope not.
Okay, look,
we've got nine carts
and nine locations
that have outside
electric outlets.
We call these
locations depots.
So you just drive your cart
to the nearest depot
be it the liquor store,
be it the beer store,
be it the wine store.
Uh-huh.
Then you just plug it in
and leave it for the
next guy.
Okay, all right, so
all the lodge members
have keys to these carts?
No, no, no, just the
ones who coughed up
the 50 bucks
to help pay for the carts
and join the elite ranks
of the golf cart
blanche plan.
Harold, membership
has its privileges.
Okay, so all right,
all the other lodge members,
the ones who didn't pay,
we'll call them
the smart ones.
They don't get to use
the carts.
Well no, they don't
have a key, harold.
Here's the beauty of it.
No matter where you are
within the town limits
of possum lake,
you're never more
than a 17-mile walk
from a golf cart.
When's the last time
you walked 17 miles?
Hey hey,
I sit in the cart.
Bernice walks
to the mall, okay,
and she also has
to walk back so she
doesn't buy much.
It's a win-win.
Red: Bill and I
were going fishing.
Look at the size
of that sucker
and look at
what he's eating.
He stuck the thing
right to his face,
and bill, I'd really like
to get fishing today sometime
if you don't mind.
[ sighs ]
no, no.
No thank you, bill.
So we're on our way
and we go past one of
these wishing wells.
And you know, fishing is kind
of a luck thing anyway,
so I'm thinking,
any kind of luck I can get
is certainly worth
a quarter to me.
So I'm imagining a few fish
that I would catch
and fire that quarter
into the wishing well.
Bill pulls out a quarter
and he's imagining
world peace
and, okay, a car.
Uh-oh, uh-oh, bill, stop!
You're thinking too much.
But the quarter is
stuck to the goo,
and, of course, his
watch comes right off
and goes down the well.
So then he wants me
to try to fish it out
with the fishing rod
and try to hook it.
And I said, that's a
pretty tall order
to get that down there.
Okay, plan b, plan b,
I've got to hold
the handles.
All right, I see,
yes, okay, he's going
to at least get in
the bucket if not kick it,
and...
He grabs on to the rope
and, of course,
unfortunately the handle,
at this point,
kind of let go on me
and it just broke
right off and...
She's a long
way down there.
Oh...
Okay, so you'll
be all right.
No, he wants me
to pull him up,
and I'll give it a chance
but there's a lot of weight
and I've got no leverage.
You've got to get a
hand-over-hand combat thing
coming right up the...
Bill's in pretty good
shape for an older man.
I was pretty
impressed with this
'cause he got
up right close --
I should probably,
thinking back at it now,
I probably should have
tightened that knot up
a little more.
Okay, now plan c.
I'm going to drop
a rope down there.
Now, bill, I'm saying,
tie that rope onto
the other rope
and then I'll
pull you out.
And I was thinking,
getting some mechanical
advantage through leverage
and a little help
from the possum van.
And now, the trouble
with the possum van
is that she doesn't idle
all that smooth.
So you're either
not moving at all
or you're doing
in and around 80.
So that kind of got --
a little fast,
but he's okay.
He's okay, you know.
Kind of looks like
oktoberfest, doesn't it?
But the fishing rod starts
jumping, which means --
it's very rare to see
a fish in a well,
but I pull it up.
Not only is it a fish
but it's wearing
his watch.
So he takes the watch.
Throw the fish back in.
Throw the fish back in, bill.
Throw it in.
No, not your watch.
Bill, you threw the watch.
You're supposed to...
Oh...
That's a slice
of my day.
So he drops
the fish back in
and now what, bill?
You going back in?
Let me help you
with that.
You ever notice
how some people
just can't follow
instructions?
I am so
tired of that.
Are you tired
of that, harold?
[ mutters ]
you all right,
harold?
Yeah.
Just that last hill...
Pretty steep.
You're telling me.
I was afraid we were
going to roll back down.
Good thing I kept
my foot on the brake.
And you know, none of
this should have
happened.
The system was
working fine.
Guys just drive their
cart to a station,
plug it in for
the next guy.
I mean, it works
well on paper.
So does a puppy.
So harold and I,
we grab a cart.
We're going to
go down to the
hardware store.
No problem...
No! No problem!
He pulls onto
the highway.
We're doing like... 12.
Well, golf carts
have the right of way,
they're like
sailboats.
So we get to
the hardware store.
We plug it in,
we go inside,
pick up a couple
of things.
When we come out,
one of the other guys
had taken the cart,
which is fine.
That's not what you
said at the time.
All right, my initial
reaction may have been
a bit negative.
I never heard so many
swear words in a row...
And they
were all verbs.
Well, like I say,
there was no problem.
We just go over
to the beer store,
pick up another cart,
unplug it and
away we go.
Yeah, yeah,
mr. Wizard here
doesn't pay any
attention to the fact
that there's an electric
frying pan plugged
in there too.
Yeah, apparently
moose thompson
had cooked a little snack
before he went shopping.
It was no big deal.
It was a very dig deal!
It blew a fuse.
The cart didn't get
a chance to recharge.
No, so we didn't
have enough juice.
We only made
it halfway back.
[ whimpers ]
he made me get
out and push.
Well, harold, you were
extra weight.
If I hadn't taken
you with me
I could have made it
all the way home.
If you hadn't taken
me with you,
you'd still be at the
bottom of that hill
giving mouth to mouth
to those batteries.
Well, it doesn't
matter, harold,
I'm giving up on electric.
I'm going back to gas.
You'll pay more than
four dollars for a
gallon of gas?
No, but I paid less that
three dollars for a
siphon hose.
[ possum squealing ]
meeting time,
robin hood.
Yeah, you go ahead.
I'll be down after
I use the little john.
Okay, if my wife
is watching,
I'll be coming straight
home after the meeting.
I'll be driving
the possum van
and in order to maximize
my gas mileage,
I'll be coasting
as often as I can...
But then, coasting
is what I do best.
And to the rest of you,
thanks for watching.
On behalf of myself
and harold
and the whole gang up here
at possum lodge,
keep your
stick on the ice.
[ cheers and applause ]
have a seat now.
Sit down.
Sit down now.
Time to sit down.
Sit down. Sit down.
Everybody sit down.
All rise.
Quando omni flunkus moritati.
Red: Okay, sit down.
Bow your heads
for the man's prayer.
I'm a man,
but I can change,
if I have to...
I guess.
Ah, men, I have nine
golf carts available
if anybody's interested.
No charge.
Harold: He means there's
no electrical charge.
The carts are
100 dollars each.
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