The complete transcript for Bear!!!
Intro[]
{"The Red Green Show" intro plays as the characters are introduced. After we introduce the characters, there are a few scenes from the show, followed by a stock footage of a bird flying through the sky at sunset, amid various gunshot sounds.}
{The camera pans through a cluttered hallway inside the lodge, on its way to the main lobby. During this time, Harold is heard introducing the show.}
HAROLD GREEN: Gather 'round your television sets, and make sure they're turned on, because this is the wildest wildlife show on the air! Bringing you thrills, chills, spills, and a really nice view of our hallway right around... now! {giggles} This is the show that dares to be different, only because we can't afford to be the same. And here he is, the man who's the most different of them all, the star of the show and, through a cruel twist of DNA fate, my uncle. Here he is, the legal owner of "The Red Green Show", ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Red Green!
{By now, the camera has reached the lobby. Red enters through the front door, waving to the audience, who applauds.}
RED GREEN: Thank you, Harold. Thank you, and, uh, welcome to Possum Lodge. Not fancy, but it's paid for. Uh, we got a good show for you this week. Uh, although, I have no idea what Harold meant by the "thrills, chills, and spills".
HAROLD GREEN: Gee, Uncle Red, I was referring to my directorial digitalizing. That's what gives the show its cutting-edge feel!
{Harold plays his switcher. A transparent shot of him is shown twisting around against a shot of the Possum Lake area at sunset.}
RED GREEN: Well, that makes me feel like cutting the edge of your digits, Harold.
HAROLD GREEN: {looking down at his switcher} This is state-of-the-art, Uncle Red!
RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, I don't know about art, but I know what I like, and that doesn't even come close. And don't you even come close, either. {to camera} Try to keep that nonsense to a minimum. {looks outside the window briefly} Got a bit of a situation going on at the lodge this week. Uh, we're kind of trapped in the lodge. Uh, nobody can go outside.
HAROLD GREEN: Are we being audited again?
RED GREEN: No, Harold, there's a– there's a bear outside.
HAROLD GREEN: {shocked} A bear?! Like, a real bear?! Like, with claws and fangs and stu– Like, a bear?! A bear?!? Like, what if the bear, like, breaks down the door, like, just mauls us to death for no reason?! We should shoot it! We should shoot it.
RED GREEN: {to Harold} Harold, Harold, Harold! You know, despite a lot of misconceptions, of which you are one, bears don't just randomly, you know, maul people and kill them, okay? If the bear comes in here and kills you, it'll be to eat you. But that's not gonna happen, Harold, 'cause it'll sniff you first. {to camera} Now, this all got started when our cook, Eddie, made some honey-raisin muffins, and he put them out on the back porch until they stopped burning.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, so, like, the bear was attracted by the smell of Eddie's cooking?
RED GREEN: No, no, no, no. Even bears aren't that hungry. No, I'll tell you what happened. Old Man Sedgewick and Buster Hadfield went down to the store to buy some bear repellant, and Dwayne, y'know, being Dwayne, sold them bear musk by mistake, okay? Now, to a bear, bear musk is like a Madonna video and the Sports Illustrated swimwear issue all rolled into one, okay? So, they came back here, and they sprayed that all over the place, and now what we have is a... is a pretty eager male bear, you know, kind of drooling around the lodge there.
HAROLD GREEN: Wait a second. If they sprayed, like, bear musk all around, he's not sniffing for food.
RED GREEN: Oh, you're probably right. And if he comes in here, {clears throat} he won't be hungry.
HAROLD GREEN: Well, what say we just get rolling with the show, and then we can barricade the door?
RED GREEN: Yeah, good idea, good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
{Red runs toward the door while Harold plays his switcher to trigger the next scene.}
In the Lodge[]
{Harold, Helmut and Bill stand behind a card table, staring at the front door. They listen as they hear the sound of the bear grunting.}
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: See the bear sniffing around Red's van there?
HAROLD GREEN: Uh-huh.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: You see the way he's sniffing the trailer hitch? It must be mating season.
{The bear growls. Suddenly, they hear the sound of a police siren.}
HAROLD GREEN: Oh! Here comes Noel in his fuzz mobile!
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Yeah? Does he know about the bear?
HAROLD GREEN: I don't think so. I sure hope he sees it. {laughs} I don't think he does!
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {laughs and points} He doesn't! He doesn't even know about it!
{Helmut and Harold both laugh. Just then, Red walks up behind them, holding a drink.}
RED GREEN: The bear still out there, guys?
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah. He's stalking Noel! Neat, eh?
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {amused} Noel doesn't even know it. Look at him dicking around with his siren.
{Harold giggles. The siren stops, and the bear is heard growling again. Suddenly, Noel screams, presumably at the sight of the bear.}
RED GREEN: Well, he knows about it now.
HAROLD GREEN: Whoa! {laughs} Wow, he sure can motor!
RED GREEN: Yeah.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: He moves pretty good for a dwarf! Where's he going?
RED GREEN: Tool shed?
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {straining for a good look} No, pump house. Oh, it's locked!
{Noel screams again as the bear growls, while the guys inside all laugh.}
RED GREEN: Y'know, I've never seen a man hurdle a barbecue before.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I gotta go get my camera! This is excellent! {runs into a corner of the lodge}
RED GREEN: {pointing out window} Oh, oh, oh, oh! Look, look! The boathouse is locked.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {laughs} I told him we didn't need all those locks.
RED GREEN: That's right.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Oh, the bear's gaining on him!
RED GREEN: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! {sees Noel run by the window} Here he comes! Here he comes! Here he comes! {waving Noel in} Come on, Noel! Come on! Come on!
{Noel runs through the front door, as everyone cheers him. He stops for breath and leans against the back of a couch for support.}
RED GREEN: Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel! {gives Noel a high-five} Yeah! Noel? {Noel grabs drink out of Red's hand and chugs it} Oh, yeah, sure. If you'd like a drink or anything, just help yourself there. I'll get more.
{Red walks off as Noel, panting for breath, takes out his police camcorder and speaks into it.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Starship entry, 167D. Investigate the sighting of a bear near the lodge. Light brown in color, approximately fourteen feet tall, definitely male.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {pointing outside} What are you gonna do about it, Noel?
NOEL CHRISTMAS: {stunned} Me?! I– Which– If you're referring– Nothing!
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Well, you're, uh, head of security there. That's why you're dressed like a fire truck, isn't it?
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Look, Helmut, when it starts breaking into a lodge member's car or... swiping cutlery, hey, I'm there for you, buddy.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: The bear's trespassing, Noel.
HAROLD GREEN: Well, actually, Helmut, he's not. We're the ones who are trespassing on his natural habitat. See, because bears were here a long time before us, and they will be here a long time afterwards.
HELMUT WINTEGARDEN: Not if Noel goes out and shoots him.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: {shocked} Wha– {sputters} I'm not allowed to carry a gun.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: You can borrow one of mine.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: I-I'm not even allowed to hold a gun.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Well, why don't you go out and do one of those karate tae-kwon-dork moves you're always talking about, then?
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Look, Helmut, {points outside} that bear's a maintenance problem. You're in charge of maintenance; you get rid of it.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Maintenance? What, is the bear clogging the drains? I must have missed that.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: No, but you are responsible for clearing the paths and the roadways so we can get to the vehicles.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Look, I shovel snow; I rake leaves. Anything that moves, you deal with. {looks aside} Right, Red?
RED GREEN: {holding another drink, standing up from sitting in chair} Oh, no, no. You two guys settle this. But whatever you do, settle it in a hurry, because sometime in the next two weeks, somebody's gonna have to use that outhouse.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {to Noel} You heard him. Go kill that bear, you coward.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: He didn't say that! And don't you call me a coward, mister! Or else, I'll, uh...
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Or else what?
RED GREEN: {pointing to Red after stumbling for words} ...He didn't say I had to kill the bear!
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, okay! I got the camera figured out. All righty. Noel, go outside, and do exactly what you did before, okay? This time, I'm ready. {giggles; Noel visibly refuses} Go on!
{Suddenly, they hear the sound of another vehicle approaching, which gets their attention. They watch and listen intently.}
HAROLD GREEN: {excited} Oh! It's Murray and Dwayne! Oh, I gotta get my wide-angle lens for this one! {adjusts camera}
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Do they know about the bear?
HAROLD GREEN: {giggles; singsong voice} I don't think so...
{The bear is heard growling, and Murray and Dwayne are heard screaming.}
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Oh, they do now.
{Everyone laughs as Harold looks out through his camera to take pictures.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Oh, this is fun! Wow! Hey, was I that fast when I was running?
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Faster, {flaps his hands} only your arms weren't flapping. {Noel laughs}
Red's Campfire Song[]
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}
RED GREEN:
- As I was walking
- Through the woods one day,
- I came upon a swagman
- Jollying on his way.
- He said he was waltzing
- Matilda to a billabong,
- And he refused to speak English
- So I nailed him.
Handyman Corner[]
{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another area of the lodge, where Red is standing behind his worktable.}
RED GREEN: This week in Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you how you can, uh, scare off wild animals. For example, bears. You know, uh, bears hardly ever take a swipe at anybody. They're mostly noise and teeth, kinda like Harold. But you know, uh, what you gotta do is, you gotta find a way to scare him off, and what we're gonna make today is called a bear scarer. See, 'cause in the animal kingdom now, a lot of the fights are avoided by one of the animals {holding out both hands} making a big display. You'll see a cat {throws hands up} putting its fur up, you know, or a peacock {makes a whipping motion with his hand} will whip his tail out there, or dogs will snarl, you know, and show their teeth. And, uh, the idea is you make yourself look, uh, real vicious and mean. Or at least hard to swallow. {looks at various items on worktable} So you what you wanna do to-to make our bear scarer, you're gonna need some things. {holds up items, one by one} You're gonna need– You're gonna need some marbles, and you're gonna need some Hawaiian shirts. You're gonna need a backpack, some aluminum tent pegs, you're gonna need, uh, some eyebolts, some sash cord, and, uh, some rubber gloves. And if you're looking for those things, you may be able to find them all in Harold's closet. Now, the first thing I'm gonna show you is, um, {takes a can} how you make the counterweight, uh, noisemaker part of the deal. {holds up can} You take a small can like this, {takes bag of marbles} and you put the marbles into the can. {pours marbles into can, then takes a bigger can, big enough to cover over the smaller can} All right. And then you put the small can upside-down into the big can. {does so quickly, then takes a roll of duct tape} Okay, and then you just cover that over with the handyman's secret weapon. {takes a second big can, which had already been made into a noisemaker of this kind} You make two of those, and there are your noisemakers. {shakes can up and down, causing marbles inside to rattle} They work. Now we're gonna make our visual display. {takes backpack} To do that, we take our backpack, put it into the vice... {shoves tent pegs aside, revealing vice, which he opens to put backpack into it} And we're gonna stick on these eyebolts {takes eyebolts} in the top of the vertical supports.
{Red sticks one eyebolt into one support. He can't seem to find a second eyebolt, however, and he starts shoving the tent pegs aside trying to find it. Wipe to a later scene. The eyebolts have been attached to the backpack, with the PVC duct-taped to the sides.}
RED GREEN: Okay, so, once we got our eyebolts on here, we've added the... the pieces of PVC pipe to the side, and we really horsed her down there with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. And again, uh, be generous with the duct tape, you know? Spare the duct tape, spoil the job. All right, now we take, uh, one of our pieces of sash cord, run it through the eyebolt, okay, like this. {does so} The other end, we've again duct-taped to the bottom of one of our tent poles, {puts tent pole inside PVC pipe} and we drop that down inside... inside the PVC pipe. I've done the same thing on the other side. And when we pull the strings... {pulls on strings, causing tent poles in pipes to rise up} Well, I think you can see where we're going with this.
{Wipe again to a later scene. Red has put the gloves on top of the tent poles. He stuffs the Hawaiian shirts into the backpack.}
RED GREEN: Now we just finish packing in our, uh, plumage here. Now take the ends of the pull cords and attach them to our noisemakers.
{Red starts wrapping the cord around one of the noisemakers. Still later, Red now is wearing the backpack on his back. He smiles confidently.}
RED GREEN: Now I'm out walking through the woods, and I come across a bear or a wolf or Helmut, and I just do what the peacock does.
{He pulls on the cords, causing the noisemakers to rattle. It also causes the gloves to rise and the tent poles to stick out, revealing the Hawaiian shirts in the style of a peacock's plumage.}
RED GREEN: Now, if that doesn't get you to the outhouse safely, I don't know what will. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {hears a clicking sound as he turns around} I'm losing my marbles here. {shuffles around, kicking the noisemakers around; chanting} Ooga-chaka, ooga-chaka...
The Winter of Our Discount Tent[]
{Red walks up between two snow-covered trees, dressed in a heavy parka. He reads from a book.}
RED GREEN: It is winter. The bear sleeps. Not alone like me, but with many other bears in some dark den. I bet that doesn't smell too great.
Plot Segment 2[]
{Red enters the lodge, holding pieces of his bear scarer from earlier. He drops them on the floor as he walks up close to the camera, clearing his throat.}
RED GREEN: All right, uh, back to the drawing board. Noel, the security guard, now, he wants somebody else to go out there and shoot the bear, but that's illegal unless the bear is a danger. A-And actually, with the lodge members being all kind of trapped inside here and not being allowed to go on the lake or on the highways, the danger level is-is way down. So, then, Noel says that maybe Helmut should go out and argue with it, 'cause they both speak grunt. But Helmut doesn't want to do that; Helmut wants us all to dig a big tunnel like they did in that movie The Great Escape. Then there was a big argument about who was gonna be Steve McQueen. Then Moose Thompson out there tried to lasso the bear, ended up being trapped up in a pine tree.
HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, actually, you know, bears aren't that dangerous. I saw a movie downtown the other day, and there was, like, these two brown bears, and they were roaming around a national park. They didn't maul anybody or nothing. Actually, you know, they were more afraid of the people than the people were of them.
RED GREEN: And did they shoot the bears?
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no! No, no! See? No. Just Ranger Smith told Yogi and Boo-Boo {as Yogi Bear} to put back those pic-a-nic baskets! {giggles}
RED GREEN: Well, there you go, Harold, eh? Huh? Huh? But our bear isn't hungry, okay? He's smelling musk out there. He's not gonna be satisfied with dinner and a dance.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, he wants– {suggestively} he wants a lady friend.
RED GREEN: Well, we all want lady friends, Harold, but we don't go around drooling and rubbing our rumps up against a tree.
HAROLD GREEN: No. Even I know that one won't work. Well, you know, it might, but it's not the type of girls your parents would approve of.
RED GREEN: {to Harold} No. Right. {turns back to camera} So, anyway, Helmut says that the bear is so desperate for a mate that what we can do is duct-tape together a couple of air mattresses, cover them with some fun-fur seat covers, and then douse the whole thing with musk and throw her out there. That might buy us enough time; we can make a break for my van.
HAROLD GREEN: In the meantime, I'll take us to the next segment, and that'll give us just enough time that I can think of a brilliant plan. {plays his switcher to trigger the next scene}
RED GREEN: This must be a really long segment.
Visit With Murray Woolworth[]
{Red goes into Murray's Variety Store and meets Dwayne, who runs into the store room in the back.}
DWAYNE: I'll go into the store room and get the stuff!
RED GREEN: How much this gonna cost the lodge?
DWAYNE: Does $15 sound good?
RED GREEN: I'll give you twenty if you take a check.
DWAYNE: Sounds good. {runs back out, holding two items for Red, which he gives to him} Here's the tranquilizer, and here's the bear repellant.
{Red takes the bear repellant and sprays himself with it before handing it back to Dwayne.}
RED GREEN: Let's go. {they both leave}
Adventures With Bill[]
| Action on screen | Red's voiceover |
|---|---|
| Red stands in the woods out beyond the lodge. Bill walks up to Red, holding a doll in one hand and a bunch of sticks in the other. He gets down on the ground and places the sticks together to form a small house. He then places the doll inside the makeshift shelter, then gives a thumbs-up to the camera. Bill then gets to his feet again and they walk off. | Got a real big project for you this week on "Adventures With Bill". You see those little sticks in there? What he's doing is he's actually gonna show you a little model of what it is that he wants us to build. Uh, he's got– he's gonna build a little shelter. You need a horizontal branch. And that's a little one of those little dolls. I didn't even ask about that. It's none of my business, but we're gonna try and build the full-size model of that, not including the doll, of course. |
| Bill and Red walk up to a chainsaw lying on the ground. Bill stoops down to pull on the chainsaw to start it up. He pulls on the string a few times before it turns on. It suddenly takes off, running across the ground, away from the area. | And so, what we need is, uh... Get the chainsaw going. We got to cut a vertical br– Uh, horizontal branch for the... What?! What?! What?! What?! What?! Hmm. Oh, well. |
| Bill holds up his index finger as he gets another idea. He then walks off while Red feels around a particularly slender sapling. Bill returns, holding an axe. He spits into his hand and wipes it on his overalls. Then he tries to cut the slender tree down, only to not only not even hurt the tree, but instead shatter the axe blade, which falls off the handle. Bill tosses the axe handle aside and waves dismissively. | Um... so, what we're gonna do is just, instead of cutting it, um... we'll just use an ax and just chop... You know, those are strong little trees. Uh, compared to, say, an axe. |
| Bill takes a hold of the tree with his bare hands and tries to bend it downward. Red takes the tree and tries to further pull it down. Bill climbs up on the tree, hoping to weigh it down and break it. But when Red lets go to let Bill's weigh finish the breaking process, it instead results in the tree springing back upright again and throwing Bill off. He flies through the air and land in the branches of another tree, way up high and out of reach. Bill smiles and gives a thumbs-up to show that he's fine. | So, uh, what do we do now, Bill? Just... Oh, all right. All right, pull it down. But, you know, this tree has lots of green, got a lot of spring, and a lot of... It's amazing the power. Oh, boy, oh, boy! Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh! Oh, he's way up there. He's up 70, 80 feet up there. You okay, Bill? You okay? Yeah? Yeah? All right, all right. |
| Red takes a hold of the tree with both of his hands and shakes it to get Bill down. The branches Bill is clinging to shake. A few branches fall down. Red shakes the tree some more, causing more branches to fall. In the tree, Bill shakes his head for Red to stop, and then he screams as he falls out of the tree and landing on the ground in a heap, covered in branches and leaves. | I figured if I shake the tree, that'll help him out a bit. He didn't seem to be enjoying that too much. Heads up. I didn't... Oh. Sorry, Bill. Oh, boy. Well... I got him down, you know. |
| He gets to his feet, waving to the camera and giving a thumbs-up as he gestures toward the pile of branches. He picks up a big handful of the branches as the chainsaw from earlier races past, much to Red and Bill's confusion. They then pick up all the branches and walk off with them. | And, uh, he's okay. And of course, the good thing is, now we have enough branches, uh, to make our shelter. So we pick these up and, uh... Hmm. Oh, well. Uh, pick these up and, uh, go over there and, uh, find just... |
| Bill and Red walk up to another tree, which conveniently has a sturdy twig propped up against the tree. They strategically lean the branches up against the propped-up twig as they did with the model. | Actually, we just found that thing just lying there. I wish we had noticed that. Well, what the heck. And we lean... uh, we lean the branches up against it just like the model. And then, uh... what Bill wanted to do here was, uh... |
| Later, having placed all the branches where there wanted, Bill and Red take some rope and tie the branches together to keep them secure. However, Bill gets a little carried away with his knot-tying, as he gets his thumb caught in the rope and has difficulty trying to free himself. Then, he ties another branch together and gets his whole hand caught. He struggles to get free and points out his predicament to Red. | ...some way of securing the branches right on there, and this is when, uh, y'know, a lot of your training with the– with the Cub Scouts or what have you, or maybe you did some sailing with Captain High Liner or whatever it was. Uh, you can, uh... you learn how to tie some really interesting knots, 'cause you got trees and branches coming at a... Oh, oh. Bill, you... Bill's tied one limb too many on... |
| Later, Bill and Red finished setting up the branches to make their shelter, which also has a makeshift door made out of sticks and twigs. There is a "for sale" sign attached to the door as well. Bill gives a thumbs-up to the camera. He waves goodbye and goes into the shelter, closing the door behind him. | Anyway, we got her all done. And by golly, she's looking good, and put the "for sale" sign up and everything. So Bill goes inside, got the gate on it. |
| Suddenly, however, the chainsaw from earlier, still on the loose, runs into the partially-open door of the shelter. Bill freaks out, causing the shelter to shake violently and ultimately collapse as Bill runs away, screaming. Red looks on in confusion. | What?! What?! Look out! Bill, Bill, look out! Bill! Bill! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Ah, well, no place like home. |
Conversations With Harold[]
{Outside the lodge, Red is working on the engine of the Possum Van, and Harold is helping him by providing tools. He gives Red a wrench.}
RED GREEN: How's school going this year, Harold?
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, great! Excellent! Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Best year ever. Oh, yeah, yeah. Football team's even winning. Sure.
RED GREEN: Oh, great. Sounds like you're doing pretty well, then, eh?
HAROLD GREEN: Me? Oh, no. Me, I'm just barely getting by. The school's doing good, though. I thought you were asking about the school. School's doing good. I'm just, you know, struggling by, as always.
RED GREEN: Well, Harold, I would think you'd be real good in school, you know, 'cause you got the glasses, and you're a real Gomer at sports and stuff.
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I know. You'd figure, you know. But I'm doing okay in computers and geography. It's my television class.
RED GREEN: Oh.
HAROLD GREEN: You know? We're supposed to make a TV show, right, so we each got a $100 budget. So, I made an episode of "The Red Green Show". Remember that extra one we made last fall? That one.
RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, how'd you do on that, anyway?
HAROLD GREEN: I got a "D"! A "D"! The teacher wanted to know where I spent the other $90.
RED GREEN: And where did you spend it?
HAROLD GREEN: I got this really cool computer game, "Zortex". So cool! So cool! Haw!
Plot Segment 3[]
{The lodge members all stand with their backs to one another, all carrying weapons of some kind, to protect themselves from the bear. Bill is wearing a hockey helmet and holding a set of ski poles for weapons. Dwayne backs into the group, holding a patio umbrella.}
DWAYNE: Okay, I'm ready!
NOEL CHRISTMAS: {holding a snowshoe for a weapon; seeing umbrella} How are you gonna stop a bear with that?
DWAYNE: I stick it down his throat, then open it!
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: {holding a tennis racquet; sarcastically} Oh, yeah, and while the bear's laughing at that, we can all go to the bathroom.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {wearing a pot for a helmet; holding a baseball bat and a trashcan lid for a shield} Just don't open that in here; it's bad luck.
HAROLD GREEN: {wearing a pith helmet; holding a butterfly net and a fly swatter} Oh, well, please hurry, or we're gonna have even more bad luck!
RED GREEN: {holding a hockey stick and a trashcan lid for a shield} Yeah, he's right. Nature's calling. Who's ready to answer? {everyone cheers} Okay, let's go.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Red, I-I'm head of security. I-I should say "Let's go." {beat} Okay, let's go!
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Wait, wait, wait! I-I forgot something! {runs off}
RED GREEN: {groans in frustration} Where's he going?
DWAYNE: He said he forgot something. You guys don't listen.
{Murray then returns, holding a magazine.}
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Reading material!
{Everyone else groans and nod their head.}
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Now, remember, guys, animals can smell fear.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Yeah, they're not the only one.
RED GREEN: Okay, when we get there, alphabetical order.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Okay.
{Everyone starts walking toward the front door together, everyone's backs to one another.}
RED GREEN: My name's Albert.
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: {holding up racquet} Brian!
RED GREEN: And Allen.
{The group reaches the front door and open it to go out, groaning from the need to relieve themselves. Cut to the outside of the lodge as the bear is heard growling. Everyone screams and runs back into the lodge, dropping their weapons as they do. Harold is the last to run in, and he closes the door behind him. He whoops in surprise as he clutches at his rear.}
Plot Segment 4[]
{As night falls, Red enters the now-darkened lodge again.}
RED GREEN: Well, the can of bear repellant was a big disappointment. Dwayne pointed it the wrong way and sprayed himself in the face, dropped the can, and the bear ate it. {scratches rear} At least now the bear won't eat Dwayne's face, although I might. We tried a tranquilizer gun, but our aim was off, and we ended up hitting Moose Thompson up in the pine tree.
HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, how long does it take for the tranquilizer to take effect?
RED GREEN: Just a little bit longer than it takes a bear to maul a person from head to toe.
HAROLD GREEN: Is that just a guess, Uncle Red, or is that what it says in the instructions?
RED GREEN: We can't go on like this much longer. I mean, the washroom situation is getting brutal around here. A lot of the guys have been taking potted plants up to their room. Somebody's gonna have to show a little bravery.
HAROLD GREEN: Or stupidity.
RED GREEN: Is that you volunteering?
{Suddenly, the "Squeal of the Possum" is heard.}
RED GREEN: Boy, that bear really is in heat.
HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, no. That's the sound of the wild possum. The lodge meeting's about to begin.
RED GREEN: Oh. Well, we'll just see who's the lucky lodge member who gets to sedate Winnie the Pooh.
HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} I'm sure glad I'm not a lodge member.
RED GREEN: Aren't we all? {Harold goes down into the basement, taking his switcher with him} Well, they say that a hero is just a sandwich. Let's go see who gets to hold the pickle.
{Red goes down into the basement. Down there, Harold, Helmut, Noel, Murray, Dwayne and Bill are all gathering around. Red comes down the stairs and everyone takes their places at the front of the meeting. They all sit down as he joins them. Then Harold stands up again.}
HAROLD GREEN: All rise.
{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests. Dwayne takes longer to do so, until Murray irritably gestures for him to do so.}
EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.
{Dwayne doesn't speak, instead making hand gestures, presumably sign language.}
RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits down again, then Helmut raises his hand} The floor recognizes Helmut Wintergarden.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: I would like to know why Noel hasn't done anything about the bear yet.
{Everyone voices their agreement on the question.}
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! {turns to Noel} Why, Noel?
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Me?!
HAROLD GREEN: Yes!
NOEL CHRISTMAS: {standing up} Well, uh, I'm not in charge of pest control. My job is to prevent thefts. {holds up hands in defense and sits back down}
HAROLD GREEN: Good point, yeah.
HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Well, if you ask me, the bear's stolen your courage, Noel.
EVERYONE: Ooh!
NOEL CHRISTMASN: Oh, yeah?! Why don't you go out and talk to it? You might find out it's your uncle or something.
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: {standing up and holding up hands in defense} All right, hold on, hold on! Look, it's a well-known fact that bears are only in heat for two weeks. I think we can hold out that long. {sits back down}
RED GREEN: Speak for yourself there, Murray. Right?
HAROLD GREEN: Question, question. What– What does, uh, "in heat" mean?
RED GREEN: Right, well, Harold, uh, "in heat" means the bear has more than Georgia on its mind.
{Everyone laughs, including Harold, who also slaps his knees.}
RED GREEN: Don't even pretend to get that.
HAROLD GREEN: Not a clue.
RED GREEN: {nods} Right. See, harold, animals only get in the mood to mate for a short period of time once a year.
HAROLD GREEN: Whoo-hoo! Boy, that'd make it easy, wouldn't it? Boy, way more time for Nintendo, right? Yeah. Huh? Huh? {everyone stares} What?
RED GREEN: Shut up, Harold. Anyway, uh, I think we all agree that it's up to Noel or Helmut to do something about the bear, right? {everyone else agrees} Yeah, yeah. So why don't we put it to a vote: Noel or Helmut?
HAROLD GREEN: Sure.
NOEL CHRISTMAS: Uh, excuse me! Uh, Red, since you're the lodge leader, {looks toward everyone else and gestures toward Red} I think maybe Red should do something about the, uh, bear.
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! Okay, sure. Somebody should, yep.
RED GREEN: Well, I am doing something about it. {gesturing towards Noel} All those in favor of Noel taking care of the bear, say "Aye."
EVERYONE EXCEPT NOEL: {raising their hands} Aye!
RED GREEN: {gesturing toward Helmut} All of those in favor of Helmut taking care of the bear, say "Aye."
EVERYONE EXCEPT HELMUT: {raising their hands} Aye!
HAROLD GREEN: Well, there you go, then, don'tcha? {giggles} I-I-it's a tie. All righty. You know what we're gonna do? {pointing to Red} Uncle Red will have to make the deciding vote.
{Everyone else except Red applauds.}
RED GREEN: Well, I'm gonna need some time to think this over, so, uh... so while I'm deciding, uh... uh, why don't we get Murray and Dwayne to come up here and give us the evening's entertainment, huh?
{Everyone applauds. Then Red, Murray and Dwayne all stand up. Red leaves the basement and goes back upstairs.}
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Well, what we're gonna do for you this week, boys, we're gonna tell you the story of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears", all right?
HAROLD GREEN: All right!
{Dwayne bends down to pick up a bearskin rug on the floor. Meanwhile, Red walks up the basement stairs, back into the main lodge lobby. He walks up in front of the camera.}
RED GREEN: Boy, it's funny how one scruffy bear who's looking for love in all the wrong places can disrupt so many lives. {suddenly hears the bear growling; looks around, trying to listen} What's that? {hears and realizes} Well! Love, exciting and new, come aboard, we're expecting you. Seems our bear has found himself a lady friend. I think we're gonna be able to go back outside again real soon. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I should be able to get to my van and, uh, come home in about, uh... two minutes. Just a guess. Maybe you can check to see if you can find our bearskin rug. {to audience} So, until next time, on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge and the bear and his lady friend, keep your stick on the ice.
{Red waves and heads for the basement again. Down there, Dwayne is wearing the bearskin rug on him.}
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Yes! Dwayne, we're not doing the bear stuff yet. Goldilocks. You're Goldilocks.
DWAYNE: I want to be the bear.
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: I know you want to be the bear, but you'll be the bear later.
HAROLD GREEN: Let him be the bear!
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: All right, be the bear! We'll turn it around! Okay, the bear is in the forest and tired and comes up to this Goldenlock family's house, okay? So, anyway, goes up to the door and knocks on the door...
{Red comes back down into the basement.}
DWAYNE: The bear knocks on the door? What are you talking about?
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: It's a fairy tale, and bears can do anything they want.
HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to Dwayne} Go outside!
RED GREEN: {to Dwayne} How come you're the bear? Shouldn't you be Goldilocks?
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Well, he wants to be the bear. He's an idiot, and he wants to be the bear. That's the way he is.
RED GREEN: {gesturing upstairs} There's a friend of yours waiting outside.
HAROLD GREEN: Very attractive.
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: There you go, Dwayne!
{Everyone speaks enthusiastically as Dwayne starts to walk off, taking the bearskin rug with him.}
RED GREEN: {waving Dwayne away} Away you go! Away you go!
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Wag your tail around at him!
RED GREEN: {waving} Away you go. Away you go.
HAROLD GREEN: Can I have his job at the store?
MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Most definitely you can, yes.
RED GREEN: Can I have one of the pups?