WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
[ gunshots, glass shatters ]
harold:
Okay, all right, this is it.
We're starting now.
They laughed when we sat down
to play, but we made comedy.
And, boy,
they're not laughing now.
And here's the main reason
for that,
the star of our show and the
best uncle a person ever had --
I don't even care who they are,
he's the best --
the star
of "the red green show,"
mr. Red green!
Okay. It's okay, uncle red.
Come on in.
Uh, thank you, harold.
Especially thank you
to all the viewers
for tuning us in
when there's so much
mindless crap on television.
Speaking of mindless crap,
come on over here
a minute, harold.
Harold is not just
the announcer on the show.
He's also our producer
and director.
He went to school
for that.
What was the name of that
college you went to, harold?
I-I don't know.
I just sort of came in the mail.
But was it ever excellent!
I just wanted you
to know
the show was
in real good hands here.
And, well, harold, maybe you
should explain to the viewers
about this little gizmo
here.
They might think
it's something medical.
[ laughs ] no, no.
This is
a video-effects machine.
It's like
the edgar winter model.
Wa-a-a.
It creates visual effects.
[ keyboard clacking ]
well, harold tells me that
that's the kind of thing
that the, uh, modern viewer
goes for.
And, uh, harold here
knows television,
uh, don't you, harold?
Yeah. Okay.
How would you say
the show's going so far?
Dragging a bit,
in my opinion.
Well, these young people
today,
they're not afraid
to speak their minds.
I like that --
not all the time,
mind you,
like not now.
But, no,
I was gonna tell you
that last night
up at the lodge,
we were making chili,
and we found a running shoe
right in the chili,
which actually makes sense
when you think about it.
We figured it was probably
stinky peterson's shoe
because he likes to get
into the chili pot
and stomp
on the kidney beans.
Otherwise,
they give him gas.
So we don't say "no."
but it wasn't
stinky's, so --
uncle red, oh, sorry, we don't
have time for your story.
Yeah, sorry.
Just go to the next clip.
Just, you know,
go to the next clip.
Well, I think the people
want to find out
what happened
to the running shoe.
We'll tell them later
'cause right now it's boring.
I can hear people
changing their tv channels.
Click! Click! Click! Click!
Click! Click! Click! Click!
You better go
to the next segment.
Click! Click! Click!
Uh, I guess we'll get back
to the story later
and right now go to a film clip
of some kind.
[ keyboard clacking ]
what in the sam hill
was that?
Special effects.
Neat, eh?
[ spoons and guitar playing ]
♪ there once was a fella
that lived around here ♪
♪ he made his own clothes
and brewed his own beer ♪
♪ but the one thing about him
that filled us with dread ♪
♪ was the number of chemicals
he kept in his shed ♪
♪ pesticide bob ♪
♪ pesticide bob ♪
♪ he used whatever
was right for the job ♪
♪ weed killer, rat killer,
rose dust, and mace ♪
♪ he never wore gloves
or a mask on his face ♪
♪ his manner was distant ♪
♪ his outlook was drab ♪
♪ when he died, he smelled
like a chemistry lab ♪
♪ we buried him deep
and made sure they paid us ♪
♪ 'cause his corpse
killed all vegetation ♪
♪ within a 30-mile radius ♪
pesticide bob.
Uh, this week
on "handyman corner,"
I'm gonna take you outside
and show you
how to upgrade your vehicle.
Uh, you know, they just don't
make vans like this anymore.
And if any of you viewers
have one, well, you know why.
Now, I know that, you know,
you fix her up
by doing some bodywork
or maybe finally getting around
to do that ring-and-valve job.
But I think it's a lot more fun
and something you can talk about
at parties, too --
install your own
air conditioner.
[ clears throat ]
now, uh...
I got the idea
to put in air conditioning
when I found
this, uh, air conditioner,
uh, which was sitting on the
sidewalk in front of a house.
And whether it was out there
to go in the garbage
or maybe the people were moving
and just hadn't put it
in the truck yet,
uh, I don't really know.
But...
[ grunting ]
uh, the deal is there that
with an air conditioner now --
she runs 120 volts,
and the van runs 12 volts.
So, uh, what you need
is a step-up transformer,
which any idiot can make,
and I'll prove it.
Uh...
To make the transformer,
you need
one of these wheel rims.
We have a lot of these
up at the lodge
because the mice just eat
the rubber right off the tires.
And, you know, the droppings,
they'll bounce from here
to hollywood, you know?
Uh, so, what you need to do
is you got to go 12 volts,
120 volts.
So that's the ratio
on the transformer.
So you divide 12 by 20,
and that's, uh...
Uh...
120 divided by 12...
Uh, carry the 4...
[ sniffles ]
10!
10!
Okay, so,
now you got to wrap your wire
around on that ratio of 10.
So you'd put 30 -- uh, 30 coils
on one side and then 10 times...
30 times...Uh...
Damn it.
418.
All right, uh, that only took
a few hours.
Now we, uh, can hook her up
to our power supply.
We got the transformer.
I'll just go around
the front here and, uh...
Hoist this up, and --
oh, there we go.
Run these battery cables.
Uh, hook them onto the battery.
Now, just run the cable --
we'll keep them apart.
Run the cables around here.
You know, this is just
temporary, unless it works.
If you wanted to make
a real fancy installation,
I suppose you could, you know,
go in through the windows
and through the walls and so on.
But that would involve
a lot of hammering.
Okay, so, now what we do
is we hook her up
to the transformer.
This is going
on the small side here.
Oh, for gosh sake.
[ laughs ]
okay, hook that up there.
And we'll...
Oh, perfect, perfect.
Okay.
Now we need to hook
the other side
up to the air conditioner.
Where's the other wire here now?
Here we go.
Yeah, this is to step up
the transformer aspect of it.
Now, a lot of you safety nuts
would probably want to
tape these.
There we go.
Okay.
Now we should be
up to 120 volts.
Just a matter now
of just hoisting
the air conditioner
up into the --
just hoisting her up!
Just hoist her up!
There we go!
[ grunting ]
all right.
At least we're --
these are a heavy unit,
aren't they?
By golly.
Ohh.
Ohh!
Ohh! Ohh!
All right, that's
just got to get up
into the window there now.
[ sniffles ]
[ sighs ]
just wait
for all my body parts
to go back
into their normal shape.
And...
Up onto this.
Up on this.
[ panting ]
up onto this.
[ grunting ]
uhh!
I should have parked on a hill.
Uhh!
[ grunting ]
all right. There.
Now, this is not something
you're gonna be
taking in and out, you know,
on a regular basis.
[ panting ]
all right, now, I just --
ohh!
I didn't think I'd have to wear
the equipment today, but --
get the air conditioner
into the window.
Ohh!
Ohhh!
All right. All right.
A little farther.
It takes a little touch here,
a little --
now, just find the point
just where it balances.
Oh.
[ sniffles ]
all right, well,
ignore that part.
But, other than that,
a h-heck of an idea.
Okay, so, you get the idea.
Until next time,
if the women
don't find you handsome,
they should
at least find you handy.
You know, I got enough there
to make a heat pump for the van.
We'll be right back
with the rest of the story
about the mysterious
running shoe
right after
these messages.
And lots
of other things, too,
just in case
you weren't interested
in that running-shoe thing.
Just say.
"it is autumn.
"you see a pile of leaves
"right in the middle
of your front lawn.
"they weren't there yesterday.
"they won't be there tomorrow.
"and so you run and jump
headfirst into the pile.
"and then you remember
what was here yesterday
"and will be here tomorrow --
a fire hydrant."
so, as I was saying,
that wasn't stinky's
running shoe in the chili at all
because, uh, stinky wears
rubber boots
to squash the kidney beans,
and that way it cleans
the bait off of them.
Then we thought, well, maybe
it'd be moose thompson's.
But, no,
'cause the shoe had laces,
and moose does not have
the kind of figure
where he can reach his feet
without help.
And, besides,
moose has really not bent over
since his days in the army,
which we hope
is just a coincidence.
Just tell them
whose shoe it is, uncle red,
'cause we're losing them.
Hurry up! Go!
That's, you know,
my opinion.
Well, it was
old man sedgwick's shoe.
Okay, good.
Roll the next insert!
But old man sedgwick
hadn't put it in the chili.
So this is where
the mystery comes in.
I mean, it couldn't have just
crawled in there, or could it?
Ready to roll
the pre-taped insert?
Okay, great. Go.
Go. [ laughs ]
I love the sense of power.
I really do.
See, the thing was
that old man sedgwick
hadn't really seen
the running shoe
since about two years earlier
when he was at the united church
badminton tournament,
and he got into the punch
in a big way,
fell on his racquet, and come
home with a crushed bird.
Uncle red,
I'm not on you anymore.
We're into the next segment --
well into it.
We're out here,
uh, on location
on what they call
a location shoot.
And I got my good friend
dougie franklin here.
And, you know, dougie,
they always say you can judge
a man by the shine on his truck.
I appreciate that, red.
Thank you kindly.
You know, dougie here
has got quite a vehicle,
got a lot of special equipment
on it.
And, doug, I know
a lot of our viewers
would like to hear
about the special equipment.
So, maybe, doug,
you could tell us about
some of the special equipment.
I can do that
for you, red.
Well, we'll start right back
at the top there.
About the only original thing
on this
from the guy who built her
was the windshield.
And then he discovered women,
and that's --
it happens.
It does.
That's how I got the truck.
Yeah.
Anyway,
with the stock windshield --
she's gone now --
we've got beautiful,
heavy-duty suspension
all around, with a quad.
We got -- [ coughs ]
she's got your load levelers,
load lifters, load limiters.
This baby, she's fully loaded
with a quad.
Now, let's just have a quick boo
here at the power plant.
Yeah.
Get to the power plant.
Now, this is what they call
your blueprint big block.
Oh, yeah.
She's a big block
blueprint block...
With a quad.
Oh, yeah.
We got two fuel injectors
in her.
But, actually,
I ripped them out,
and I put in the predator
performance carburetors.
Oh.
And I want to tell you,
I've tuned those suckers up.
They come
with a quad, as well.
And she's had --
she's an aluminum block.
She's got your hemi
bored out to about 600 cube.
Now, I'll tell you, red.
You put your pedal to the metal
on this baby,
your face will whip back
on you there so tight,
you'll look like
one of them women
coming out of one of them
hollywood face-lift clinics.
I'll tell you.
She's got torque, this baby.
What about, uh, the engine?
Did you mention that?
Well, yeah, that was
the block business
with the carburetors.
I think I did, anyway.
Oh, no.
Well, you said the power plant.
Is that the engine?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, legally speaking,
your power plant
has to be your engine.
Oh.
Legally, legally.
But, oh, I'll tell you,
she is street legal as she sits.
Yeah, she'll -- except for,
like, on a one-lane bridge
or a private school,
something like that.
You wouldn't want to
take her in there.
But, oh, she'll move.
She'll do about a ton
in first gear.
Maybe you should
explain that, doug.
A lot of our viewers
maybe don't know what a ton is.
For you folks at home
that don't know what a ton
or never done a ton --
if there is such
a person out there --
a ton, of course,
is a 100 mile an hour.
Now, she'll do 100 mile an hour
in first gear.
Oh, my god.
You bump up to ethylene
or like an aircraft fuel,
this baby will move.
She'll probably do
a ton and a half in first gear.
Actually,
with the predator carburetor,
she'll -- you can actually run
this baby on testosterone.
But, you know, you can't get
the stations to stock it.
They just won't stock it.
Not even the unleaded.
Oh, for god's sake.
You got a lot of money
tied up here, uh, dougie.
Yeah, I do.
What would something
like this run?
Well, you know,
it's funny.
You look at it --
money, dollar signs
pop to your eyes.
This baby's worth probably
somewhere in the neighborhood
of about $765.26 a month.
You know, that's the monthly
payments, dougie.
I was interested in the actual
full price of the vehicle.
Uh...
Well, you'd have to speak
to the bank about that one.
What I done was I told them
it was a motor home,
and I took out
a 25-year mortgage on her.
And, you know,
by the year 2010, though,
quite a reasonable buyout
on this baby.
Wow, golly, she's almost
big enough to be a motor home.
Yeah, she is.
If she had a toilet,
you know --
oh, she's got a toilet --
back there in the quads, yeah.
The guy who built her
put one in there.
For gosh sake.
Yeah.
Well, I'll stay
up at this end.
Yeah.
Okay.
And, doug, hey, thank you.
Thank you for your time.
Red, god love you.
All right.
Okay, harold.
Hit your buttons.
[ spoons and guitar playing ]
♪ my beard is a treasure
I wear on my face ♪
♪ if I need to hide things ♪
♪ it's a pretty good place ♪
♪ if you think having a beard
is a disgrace ♪
♪ then what about lincoln ♪
♪ or santa
or steven spielberg? ♪
♪ not to mention the fact ♪
♪ that I don't have to
get up early to shave ♪
♪ which means
that in my lifetime ♪
♪ I've had about 4,000 hours
more sleep ♪
♪ than most men my age ♪
♪ mmm ♪
oh, uncle red.
This is great.
Answering the letters
this week
is gonna be so easy
and so much fun.
These are the most exciting
and best letters we've ever had.
This is fantastic. This is
really, really good letters.
If I'm any judge
of letters,
which I am,
this is a good letter.
Just read the good letter,
would you, harold?
It's a great letter
I'm gonna read. Okay.
"dear red, congratulations
on your great show.
"the production
and direction is wonderful --
very bergmanesque."
bergmanesque?
We don't have strippers.
No, no, no, uncle red.
Bergmanesque.
That's like ingmar bergman.
He was in "casablanca."
our viewers
don't know that.
Let me see that letter
for a sec.
No. It's all right.
It's okay.
That's your handwriting,
harold.
Why would we be answering
letters written by you, harold?
Have we sunk to that?
Well, we...
We didn't get any mail
this week, uncle red.
Unless you got a letter.
Did you get a letter
or a phone call or anything?
Not that I recall, no.
Oh.
Did you get faxed lately?
Well, I don't think
we have to talk about that
on television, harold.
Boy, they didn't use language
like that in my day.
What's the world coming to?
This whole
"answering the mail" thing
has gone
down the toilet.
Foul language
and fake letters.
Well, I think
answering fake letters
is better than answering
no letters at all.
There's no sense having
an "answering the mail" segment
of a show
if there's no mail to answer.
Wa-a-a.
Why not?
We tell hunting
and fishing stories,
and we never shoot
or catch anything.
Shh!
[ film projector clicking ]
red: This week
on "adventures with bill,"
he wanted to go orienteering,
which is, you know, kind of
walking around with a map.
And I wasn't real interested
in it, you know?
My first reaction was "no."
first of all,
he had the map upside down,
which took away a certain amount
of my confidence.
And, uh, anyway, I just don't
really enjoy that type of thing.
But...I went along with it,
you know?
Whoa!
I decided not to do that.
But, you know, bill seemed
to know what he was doing.
He's got that confidence...
Aah!
...And an air about him
where he seems to be in control
of everything.
Aah!
It kind of makes you want a gun.
Now, what he wanted to do
was he wanted to mark the tree
with a hatchet here
so he'd know where he was.
But the map blew up,
and then, well...
I guess it's okay.
And he's gonna try and take
the hatchet out of the tree.
But...
Well, then he decided that's
a pretty good marker itself,
the head of the ax there.
So then we just started
heading out.
And bill had the canteen.
He had all the equipment
and everything.
He offered me
a little drink of that.
It wasn't bad, either.
The map was getting
a little worse for wear.
But he had that feeling,
and he had the binoculars there.
And he handed them --
no, bill. Bill, bill.
Give me the binoc-- yeah.
And then he got back to the map.
And I must admit, I was starting
to lose my confidence.
Then when he asked us
to get our compasses out
and compare them,
they were completely different.
Now I'm starting to really
wonder what I'm in for here.
And so, what we decided to do
is just take half the map each.
And I'd already decided,
uh, what I was gonna do
with the map
and the whole idea really.
I figured I could just find
my way with the compass
and the canteen
and the binoculars and so on.
But bill was going,
I guess, the right way.
And, you know, the funny thing
is, I didn't want to do this.
But, you know,
once I got into it...
Yow!
I guess bill was enjoying
himself, too, you know?
And the compass
was working fine.
And I was making good time.
[ grunting ]
I found the walking
quite pleasant actually.
Nice day, sunny,
and no real underbrush
or anything to worry about.
I was wondering what bill
was doing about this time.
Hyah!
I wasn't real concerned.
I just was -- I was just
curious, that's all.
And I could just take my time.
And, you know, actually, I was
enjoying nature a little bit.
I found out later that bill
was having some problems.
But, you know,
he's a very resilient, you know,
inventive, resourceful
kind of guy.
So it won't bother bill.
And, boy,
it was a nice day there.
The binoculars -- I could
just see where I wanted to go.
Bill was okay.
Yow!
I believe he had
a telescope with him.
So I didn't leave him
completely high and dry.
Yeah, there it is there.
Looks a bit
like a thermos anyway.
But -- ohh!
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Okay, well, lucky
it wasn't his good eye.
I stopped and had a drink,
and, you know, I was really
kind of glad
that I had gone along with it.
I was hoping bill
had something to drink.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh!
Oh, well, bill's not having
a good day, I guess.
But, golly, I was.
I really was.
And that's really
all that mattered at that point.
[ panting ]
bill was starting
to circle a little bit,
which, apparently, is indicative
of someone
pretending to be lost.
You know, he's funny that way.
You know,
if I'd have seen him there,
of course I would have
straightened him out.
But, you know,
a place like that, sometimes --
now, we're starting
to make progress here
'cause bill
eventually comes back to that.
And lucky thing that he'd left
that marking there.
He didn't seem real pleased,
but, to me, it meant
he was at least getting back
where he started,
which is where I was
and just waiting for bill
'cause I wanted to thank him.
I had a heck of a good day.
It's just unfortunate,
but maybe his compass wasn't
up to the quality of mine.
Maybe he didn't pay
the full value for it
or what have you,
bought it used maybe.
But he's just gonna --
no, chuck it away.
Chuck it away.
Throw it away. Toss it.
Gone. Okay.
And something was hurting bill.
There was something he'd sat on.
So I was helping --
well, for goodness sake.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was the problem.
So, you might as well just --
I say just have
a little rest, bill.
You deserve it.
Big day.
We'll be right back,
and I'm not even gonna mention
the running shoe in the chili.
[ laughs ]
excellent choice.
So, anyway, after dinner,
a woman come over to the lodge
and told us she's the one
who'd accidentally dropped
the running shoe into the chili.
Apparently, she'd been carrying
the shoe around
for a couple of years
and trying it on every man
she met,
hoping to find a guy
who'd had his hands all over her
at the badminton tournament
and then they'd be able to live
happily ever after.
Well, uh, we knew it
was old man sedgwick's shoe,
so, yeah, we were surprised
as heck when he tried it on
and it didn't fit.
He told us later
that was because
there was a piece of celery
stuck in the toe of his sock.
Uh, see, old man sedgwick
doesn't want to get married.
He wants to just play the field
until they plow him under,
which is fine with us.
I mean, he looks
like a scarecrow anyway.
Anyway, if my wife is watching,
I'm gonna come straight home
after the show,
so I'd like you to leave the
light on over the garbage bags.
I don't want to do that again.
So, anyway, thanks very much
for watching,
and on behalf of myself
and harold
and the whole gang
up here at the lodge,
keep your stick on the ice.