The Red Green Wiki
Advertisement

This is the full transcript for A Very Merry Red Green Christmas. See also: Credits.


Transcript[]

Opening Scene[]

{It is winter in the area, all covered in snow. Red sits across two chairs on Possum Lake, all frozen in ice. He holds a frozen, uncooked turkey in his lap. The turkey has a long strip of duct tape covering the middle.}

RED GREEN: If you're anything like me, after Christmas dinner last year, you ended up stretched out on the sofa with your pants undone, moaning, "Why didn't somebody stop me?" Well, here's a low-fat alternative to eating all that turkey at Christmas that's gonna take the strain off your waistband and also get you out in the fresh air. {sits up straight} Okay, the first thing you wanna do is grab the frozen turkey. Get it out of the freezer before it defrosts. {holds a door handle, also covered in duct tape} Then what you wanna do is take the door handle off of the fridge. Very important. This way, you won't be able to get into the fridge so you can't sneak down in the middle of the night to eat another handful of jellied salad. {holds up turkey, which has another door handle duct-taped to the top of it} Now all you gotta do is attach the door handle to the turkey the way I've done here. {holds up turkey by door handle} And you can curl that bird to a leaner, healthier you.

{Red gets up and walks across the ice with the turkey. He then stops and stoops down. He then tosses the turkey across the ice. It rolls end over end along the ice and then slides toward a makeshift, painted curling target, where other frozen turkeys, all with door handles duct-taped to them all lie in various positions on the target. The new turkey bumps into another turkey and knocks it aside.}

Plot Segment 1[]

(The lodge is decorated for Christmas. Red and Harold enter the lodge, wearing coats. Red waves to the camera while Harold hangs up his coat on a cross in the corner)

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. (Harold walks up close to Red) Thank you. Yeah, we sure appreciate that. In all the best of you and yours from me and mine and his and hers and whatever else it says on the towels, uh, this here is our Christmas special. And as you can see, Harold is– (notices that Harold is dressed in a fancy outfit with a yellow shirt, green vest and dark slacks) Holy... That's quite an outfit you got there. You should not stand still; people put presents under you.

HAROLD GREEN: I thought you might appreciate it. It's my Christmas outfit.

RED GREEN: Yeah? Well, it's better than your birthday suit. Anyway, it's great to have you up here for the whole Christmas break, Harold. Appreciate it, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, I'm just here for the Christmas show.

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, the company asked me to work over Christmas and I said yes.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, you gotta learn to say no! It's not that hard. Just pretend you're your own girlfriend. Which I'm sure you are.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, I was kinda hoping you might knock it off with the insults, you know, being Christmas and everything.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, I'm kidding ya! When I insult you like that, that's because I like ya.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay! That's cool! Okay, alright, yeah. All right, well, thank you very much then, you fat, old, burned-out doofus! (both smile and nod)

The Friendly Side of Dynamite[]

Handyman Corner 1[]

{Red stands in the dining room of someone's house behind a table filled with a Christmas dinner. He holds a turkey leg in his hand.}

RED GREEN: You know, a big part of Christmas has to be the eating. Something comes over people, and they just start chowing down like they were stocking up a bomb shelter. But there's also a downside: messing up your house with all those people, and messing up your kitchen cooking all that food. But you know something? {puts turkey leg down on table} There's a better way.

{Red leaves the dining room. Wipe to a later scene. Red walks out of the house and up to a car parked outside.}

RED GREEN: All right, the first step is you call up your relatives and tell them that after 43 Christmases of mooching off everyone else, it's finally their turn to have Christmas dinner. {walks up to car's hood and opens it} Oh, sure, they'll probably balk at first. But then you give them the clincher: you'll bring the food. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wait a minute, Red. That still messes up your kitchen." Or "Hey, Red, I don't get it." Or "Boy, I wish I had a pair of pants like those." {holds up hand} But the key to the whole deal is, we're gonna cook Christmas dinner as we drive over there.

{Red leans in toward the car's engine. Wipe to a later scene. A montage begins, with Red putting various food pieces on the car while explaining, in voiceover narration, what to do. For the purpose of this transcript and to avoid confusion, the script is provided by way of an "Adventures" setup:}

Action on screen Red's voiceover
An uncooked turkey has been placed on the edge of the car. Red is pulling parts out of the engine, including the air cleaner. He then places the turkey on the engine block Okay, first thing you wanna do, get the air cleaner off there. Put the turkey right on the engine block.
Red takes the engine thermostat control unit and places it inside the turkey. Now take the engine thermostat control unit and jam that up the rear end of the turkey.
Later, Red places a piece of duct tape on the temperature gauge in the car. He then writes, with a Black Magic Marker, "DONE" over the higher end of the temperature gauge. Now, that'll affect your temperature gauge. You gotta change that to show you when the turkey's done.
Red removes the cap and intake unit off the car's windshield washer tank. He then pours into a pot full of turkey gravy. He then places the cap and intake unit back on the tank. He then disconnects the windshield squirter and places it on top of the turkey. He places a piece of duct tape over it. And you wanna disconnect the windshield washer fluid. You wanna fill that up with the turkey gravy. Then you put the intake unit back in there. And now of course, you wanna– you don't want that all over your windshield, so you want to redirect the squirter to... Actually, put a piece of duct tape on there and aim her all over the turkey.
Red then sits in the car and turns the washer knob a few times. The gravy squirts out of the squirter and onto the turkey. And now, when you apply the windshield washer stuff, you're actually basting the bird.
Next, Red walks up to the engine holding a bag of frozen peas. He opens up the car's radiator and dumps the peas into it. Some of the peas land on the edge of the car, however. All right, next thing you wanna do is, you wanna fill the rad with frozen peas. Boy, I can almost taste those now.
Inside the car, a ticking sound is heard from a cigarette lighter. It suddenly pops out loose. Red pulls the lighter out and blows on it. It has a mushroom cap jammed inside it. It sizzles slightly as Red touches the lighter with his hand. He removes the mushroom cap from the lighter and drops it into a thermos in the cup holder. He then takes out another mushroom cap and places it into the lighter. He then puts the lighter back in the plug where it came out. Here's something new: take your lighter, put a mushroom cap on the end of it. You can cook them right out of the cigarette unit there. The input will take it. Put a new one on. Go into the thermos there to keep 'em warm. A nice treat for nonsmokers.
Now Red stoops down next to one wheel with the hubcap removed. The removed hubcap has several potatoes inside. He then sticks the hubcap back on the wheel and bangs his hand against the hubcap to make it stick on. He then gets back up. Here's how you make the mashed potatoes: just put them inside the hubcap.
Inside the car, Red turns on the car and puts the emergency brake on three clicks. Now, you need the wheel to be warm, so you put the emergency brake on three clicks.
Next, Red places a pumpkin pie inside the car's engine in behind the turkey, on the engine block. You put the pie in behind the turkey on the engine block.
Red now stoops down next to another wheel. The tire has been removed from the rim. Red fills the tire with cream. He then places the tire back on the rim, using a tire iron to put it in place. Now, you wanna make whipped cream? No problem. Stick that back on the rim. You're in business.
Red puts several ears of corn into a jar. He then screws the jar lid back on the jar. The lid has a spark plug attached to it, sticking into the jar itself. He then places the jar down inside the car. Put the corn on the cob into a jar. Take one of the spark plugs and attach that to the lid. Every eight bangs, you cook a corn on a cob.
Next, Red has placed several dough balls inside the air cleaner. Red closes the lid of the cleaner and places it back in the car where it once was. Red wipes his hands together and closes the car's hood. You put the dough, the little dough for making the little rolls into the air cleaner. Put that back on, they'll drop down through the carb, through the intake manifold, and come out the exhaust.
Red walks around to the back of the car, holding a bread basket and some duct tape. He stoops down behind the car and hangs the basket onto the car's exhaust pipe. He duct-tapes the hand of the basket to the pipe to hold it in place. But there's something you gotta do first: a little bread basket to grab them as they come out.
Red then sits back down in the car's driver seat and starts the car up. Two rolls pop out of the exhaust pipe and fall into the basket, followed by one bran roll that doesn't pop out but just falls out. Now you just start her up, and out they come. First, a couple of regular rolls, and then a bran one. Yeah!
Later, Red drives the car over to another house. He stops the car and gets out. He pops the hood as he gets out. He then runs over to the front of the car with the hood slightly open. All right, you drive over to wherever you're having your Christmas dinner, and by the time you get over there, everything should be pretty much ready. So you just pop the hood and let's just see how everything looks. Boy, it sure smells good when you're driving, too.
Red opens the hood and takes out the turkey, all nicely cooked. He removes the squirter from the turkey and gently picks it up. He pulls his hand back several times because the turkey is so hot. Finally, he picks it up fully and runs with it into the house in question, blowing on the turkey to cool it off. Oh, look at at that turkey! That's a beautiful thing. Oh, it's hot! Oh my gosh! Beautiful thing! Get that inside and come back out.
Next, Red tends to the jar full of corn on the cob. However, the spark plug has blackened all one end of all the corn. Red takes out the jar and pulls off the spark plug. He then blows on the jar and runs it into the house. Now the– Okay, the corn, not so good. Uh, the spark is all on the one end, like I was when I was a kid.
Then Red returns holding a crowbar. He runs up to the rear car wheel with the hubcap covering the mashed potatoes. However, when he pulls off the cap full of the potatoes, they aren't very well mashed and pretty dirty-looking, too. Now you wanna take the mashed potatoes off of there. I think it wasn't airtight. I think that was the problem there.
Next, Red returns to the car's engine, holding a spoon and a pot. He removes the cap off the radiator and tries to put the spoon inside. However, it does not go in at all. Red tries to push the spoon into the radiator. But when he fails to make any headway, he looks at the camera and shrugs. They'll be fine, though. Now, uh... Okay, I have no idea how to get the peas out...
Red walks over to the air cleaner and lifts it up, revealing the pumpkin pie, all nicely baked underneath. He takes the pie. All right, so there's your pie, and you take that, cooked to perfection, and then you wanna wheel that around.
He walks up to the front car wheel with the whipped cream in the tire, holding a tire hose. He sets the pie down and sticks the hose into the wheel. He then reverses the air pressure and sucks up some of the whipped cream. It sprays out of the hose and splatters all over the pumpkin pie. He continues to blow some of the tire air on the cream to spread it around on the pie. I believe it was the passenger wheel on that. You hook up the hose, the tire filler hose, and then you just reverse the pressure and... well, there you go!

{Wipe to a later scene. The montage ends. Red is seen inside the house's dining room with the dinner all nicely set up on the table.}

RED GREEN: And it's just that easy. {gestures toward the turkey} You know, if we cooked this turkey on an old van instead of a car, we could've called it "cuckold van". {picks up the mashed potatoes, still in the hubcap} You know what they say, the proof of the pudding is written on the label. {takes a fork and pulls out some of the potatoes with it} Let's see how these mashed potatoes taste. {takes a bite of the potatoes and somehow crunches down on it hard} Boy, that rock salt really enhances the flavor. {sets mashed potatoes back down and looks around} By golly, I forgot my knife. How am I gonna carve the turkey? {suddenly snaps fingers and picks up turkey} I got a better idea.

{Red runs off with the turkey. Wipe to a later scene. Red walks up to the car, its hood still open. He holds the turkey.}

RED GREEN: We got a 200-horsepower slicer right here! Or as somebody would call it, a fan blade. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. If you want any dark meat, just grab it on the way by.

{Red pushes the turkey against the fan blade. Chunks and shreds of turkey meat fly out across the car.}

Segue: Winston Rothschild[]

{The camera fades in on Winston, who is sitting in the basement on a sleigh full of Christmas presents.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If your stockings aren't the only things that got stuffed this Christmas, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. When there's no room at the inn.

Christmas Is... 1[]

{Red walks along through a snowy environment, dragging a sled along behind him. He wanders through the woods and down a street past a row of small buildings.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is the home fire, to get you through the darkest time of the year, January, when the visa bills come in. A fire to warm you through the cold of your father-in-law's questions concerning your employment status and overall solvency. So light a fire at Christmas to remind yourself that if you don't pay for the gas or electricity, this is basically what it comes down to. Light a fire in the stove and light a fire in the bedroom, if you can. And most of all, light a fire under your kid. You know, when the cavemen looked up at their night sky, they might have wanted their sun to come back after it left, but you don't want yours to.

Harold's Letter to Santa[]

The Possum Lodge Word Game[]

MIKE HAMAR: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game! {walks up towards the table excitedly} And today Mr. Edgar Montrose is playing for a {pulls out an eggplant from behind the word sign} giant eggplant from Bernie's Big and Tall Vegetables! This is just an eggplant seed. Uh, Mr. Green, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Montrose to say this word...

{Mike picks up the word sign and turns it around. It displays on it the word "Christmas".}

MIKE HAMAR: "Christmas"! "Christmas"! {puts the word sign down} And go!

RED GREEN: Alright, Edgar! This is most people's favorite holiday.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Firecracker day.

RED GREEN: No, no, people stay home from work and give each other things.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Flu season?

RED GREEN: It's an expression. You know, in French they say "Joyux" Noel. Uh, in English, they say Merry...

EDGAR MONTROSE: Queen of Scots.

RED GREEN: You know what? Edgar, you know this okay. This is– What do you call it when you get a treat in your stocking?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Leprosy.

MIKE HAMAR: Almost out of time, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Okay, Edgar, what do you call it when the fat jolly guy comes down your chimney?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, Dad lost his key again.

RED GREEN: Oh, come on, Edgar! You know, if you would concentrate, we could get this.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, if ifs and buts was candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.

RED GREEN: There you go! {rings the bell rapidly while Mike hands the eggplant "seed" to Edgar}

Hap Shaughnessy on Christmas[]

Talking Animals[]

Segue: Winston Rothschild 2[]

{The camera fades in on Winston, still sitting on the same sleigh.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If Jack Frost isn't the only thing nipping at your nose, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. {in a German accent} We're going to pump you out!

Plot Segment 2[]

RED GREEN: Here's something special you can do for the holiday season...

{The camera pans out to reveal (from left to right) Dalton, Winston, Harold, Red, Mike, Edgar and Ed standing around an end table with a tape recorder and a telephone on it.}

RED GREEN: Record a Christmas message onto your answering machine. You might even put some Christmas music on there too.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Hey, hey, what is the Possum Lodge phone message?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I dunno, no one ever calls it. We're already here.

RED GREEN: Well, I'll play it.

{Red plays the cassette tape that is already in the tape recorder.}

HAROLD GREEN (on the tape): Ah, okay, thanks for calling Possum Lodge but nobody's around. It's probably because we're all celebrating the New Year, right? So we're downstairs dancing and stuff and no one can hear the phone. So leave a message. Happy New Year! Have a great 1988!

{The tape recorder makes a beeping sound and Red stops the cassette tape.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, why don't you tell the folks at home how they can play Christmas music in the background as they record their own message, tell them.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold. Actually we're going to go one step better than that. The guys here are gonna hum a Christmas tune, and I'm gonna put a message in, so, uh--okay, guys, and... {starts recording and the tape recorder beeps} go!

{Everyone except Red begins to hum various Christmas songs.}

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no, hold on. Okay. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {the men stop humming} Whoa! You can't sing different songs, all right. Pick one Christmas song and then go with it everybody.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, how about "Jingle Bells," Red? We all know that one.

{Everyone agrees with Edgar.}

RED GREEN: All right, "Jingle Bells." All right, and... {starts recording and the tape recorder beeps} go.

{Everyone except Red begins to hum "Jingle Bells".}

RED GREEN: Merry Christmas from everybody at Possum Lodge. Sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number after the "hey!"

EVERYONE (except Red): Hey!

{Red stops recording.}

Christmas Is... 2[]

{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is feeling good about going to church. That means looking up the address, just in case it moves since Easter three years ago. It's about showing up at eleven for the 9:30 AM service and wondering why the parking lot is empty and your wife is getting a ride home with the neighbors. It's about sitting in a quiet pew alone after everyone's gone, quietly counting your blessings. And it's about the janitor inviting you into the church hall for a free Christmas dinner with the rest of the homeless.

Mike Hamar on Christmas[]

{In another area of the lodge, Red is sitting at his desk, as Mike, wearing a Santa hat and holding a bell in his hand, sneaks into the room and picks up a fishbowl in the room}

RED GREEN: {not turning around} What are you doing with the goldfish bowl, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: {stopping suddenly} Oh! Uh, I didn't see you there, Mr. Green. Um... Well, I'm not doing anything. Okay, see ya! {turns to leave}

RED GREEN: Where are you going?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I thought I'd just go outside and stand in the snow for a while.

RED GREEN: With that hat on?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, sure. I mean, it's getting colder out there, you know.

RED GREEN: I see you got a bell there, too.

MIKE HAMAR: {noticing bell in his hand} Oh, yeah, this. Well, um, I thought I'd just, um, ring it once in a while, while I stood outside in the snow.

RED GREEN: That's it?

MIKE HAMAR: That's it.

RED GREEN: {reaching out to grab the fishbowl} Well, then, you don't need the goldfish bowl, do you?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I thought if people wanted to, they could, you know, like, drop, uh, gold...

RED GREEN: Goldfish into it?

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, actually... uh, actually, um, I was gonna, um, collect donations for charity.

RED GREEN: Oh, okay, that's great. Uh, which charity?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, no particular charity. {Red nods} Um... Um... More like, for all the needy in general.

RED GREEN: Boy, y'know, there's a lot of needy. You need to distribute that money all over the world; that's gonna take a lot of your time.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, that's absolutely right, Mr. Green. That's a good point. I mean, I don't have the resources for that, right?

RED GREEN: No.

MIKE HAMAR: I think what I'll do is, I'll collect money for, uh, the needy Possum Lodge members. Okay, thanks for the tip. {starts to leave}

RED GREEN: All right, and Mike, who do you think is the most needy Possum Lodge member?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I'd have to say the lodge member who hasn't paid his dues for the longest time would need the money the most, right?

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, that's you, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah! That's right! That is me, isn't it?

RED GREEN: You never paid your dues at all, I don't think.

MIKE HAMAR: Not in my recollection, no.

RED GREEN: No. I tell you what, Mike: I'm gonna give you a Christmas gift.

MIKE HAMAR: {excitedly} Really?!

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna waive all your dues. You got no debt at all at the lodge, all right? {Mike suddenly looks disappointed} How's that sound?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh...

RED GREEN: Yeah. {reaches out and takes away fishbowl} So you won't really need the fishbowl anymore, will you? {chuckles} But you know, going out there with the bell and the hat and spreading Christmas cheer, that's a great idea.

MIKE HAMAR: {depressed} Yeah, well, I guess I could still do that, I guess. Well, merry Christmas.

{Mike starts to leave, ringing the bell}

RED GREEN: Not in here, Mike, not in here. {Mike leaves, ringing the bell}

Handyman Corner 2[]

Red's Handyman Tips[]

Visit with Ranger Gord[]

Segue: Winston Rothschild 3[]

{Winston is still sitting on the same sleigh as the last two commercials.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Happy New Year from Winston Rothschild, reminding you if old acquaintances can't be forgot, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. We're Y2K compliant!

Christmas Is... 3[]

{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is recalling your own childhood memories, all for the sole purpose of telling your kids how much worse off you were than them. How you thought yourself lucky just to have a moldy potato in your stocking so the family could mash it for dinner. And the time you and their mother had to sell shoes just to buy each other warm socks. But most of all, Christmas is about the power of imagination: leaving milk and cookies for Santa, hearing reindeer hooves on the roof, and creating these stories about your pathetic childhood just so you can explain to your kids why they didn't get everything they wanted this year.

Ed's True Animal Facts[]

Adventures[]

Segue: Winston Rothschild 4[]

{The camera fades in on Winston, still sitting on the same sleigh.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: This is Winston Rothschild from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services reminding you, we'll take plenty of dough in before it starts snowing and Santa's ho ho hoing, 'cause we're sucking, not blowing.

Dalton's Christmas Story[]

Christmas Is... 4[]

{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is cutlery: special knives, odd spoons and more forks than the road to the lodge, plus all kinds of serving doodads that you haven't seen, let alone used, in almost a year. And of course, as the man, you are expected to surgically dissect the turkey with these tools, with a bunch of other tools heckling you. They hand you the fancy steel knife with the bone handle that's duller than a baseball bat, forcing you to ask your guests whether they want white pulp or dark pulp. But most of all, Christmas is finishing your meal with a half-dozen forks and spoons untouched while you lick the mashed potatoes off the palms of your hands.

Red's Handyman Tips 2[]

Dalton's Greeting Cards[]

Segue: Winston Rothschild 5[]

{Winston is still sitting on the same sleigh as the last four commercials.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If the ghosts of Christmas past won't leave the present, time to move into the future, with Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Discounts for vegetarians.

Plot Segment 3[]

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

If you're anything like me,

after christmas dinner

last year

you ended up stretched out

on the sofa with your

pants undone,

moaning, "why didn't

somebody stop me?"

well, here's a low-fat

alternative to eating all

that turkey at christmas

that's gonna take the

strain off your waistband

and also get you

out in the fresh air.

Okay, the first thing you wanna

do is grab the frozen turkey,

get it out of the freezer

before it defrosts.

Then what you wanna do is take

the door handle off the fridge.

Very important.

This way you won't be able to

get into the fridge,

so you can't sneak down

in the middle of the night

to eat another handful

of jellied salad.

Now all you gotta do

is attach the door handle

to the turkey

the way I've done here,

and you can curl that bird

to a lean and healthier you.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪♪ ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you.

Yeah, we sure

appreciate that.

And all the best to you

and yours from me and mine

and his and hers and whatever

else it says on the towels.

This here's our

christmas special,

and as you can see,

harold come --

oh, that's quite

an outfit you got --

you should not

stand still.

People'll put

presents under you.

I thought you

might appreciate it.

It's my christmas outfit.

It's better than

your birthday suit.

Anyway, it's great to have

you up here for the whole

christmas break.

Appreciate it, yeah.

No, no, I'm just here

for the christmas show.

What?

Yeah, the company asked me

to work over christmas,

and I said yes.

Ah, harold, you gotta

learn to say no.

It's not that hard.

Just pretend you're

your own girlfriend...

Which I'm sure

you are.

You know, I was kinda hopin'

you'd knock it off with

the insults,

you know, it being

christmas and everything.

Oh, harold,

I'm kiddin' you.

When I insult you like that,

that's because I like you.

Oh! Oh, okay.

That's cool!

Okay!

Well, thank you very much,

you fat, old, burned out dufus.

[ cheers and applause ]

I'm here with local explosives

enthusiast, edgar montrose.

Edgar, I understand you

had a special christmas

display for us.

Oh, not for me,

thanks, red.

But I will have a slice

of that pumpkin pie later.

That's not why

I'm here though.

Right.

I have a christmas musical

display I wanna show you.

Do you know what

resonance is, red?

Yeah, that's where

something vibrates loud.

Not even close.

It's where something

vibrates loud.

And you almost get kind

of a musical note.

The smaller the

container it resonates,

the higher the musical

note that you'll get.

Oh, so each one of

these containers makes

a different musical note.

You need to pay a

little better

attention,

coz each one of

these containers makes

a different musical note.

Now, listen up.

This is the important part.

I put a charge of

dynamite in each can,

and I hooked it up

to my keyboard, see?

I call it my

pipe bomb organ.

Would you like to hear a

little christmas music, red?

I think I'll just listen

from back I-I-in this area.

You go ahead though.

This is my favourite

christmas carol.

Feel free to sing along.

A little something I like

to call "silent night."

♪ si-lent ni-ight ♪

♪ ho-oly ni-ight ♪

♪ all! ♪

you know, a big part of

christmas has to be the eating.

Something just

comes over people.

They start chowing down like

they were stocking up

a bomb shelter.

But there's also

a down side...

Messin' up your house

with all those people,

and messin' up your kitchen,

cookin' all that food.

But you know something?

There's a better way.

All right, the first step

is you call up one of

your relatives

and tell them that after 43

christmases of mooching

off everyone else,

it's finally their turn

to have christmas dinner.

Oh, sure, they'll

probably balk at first,

but then you give

'em the clincher...

You'll bring the food.

Now, I know what

you're thinkin'...

"wait a minute, red, that

still messes up your kitchen."

or, "hey, red,

I don't get it."

or, "boy, I wish I had

a pair of pants like those."

but the key to

the whole deal is,

we're going to cook

christmas dinner

as we drive over there.

Okay, the first thing you

wanna do is get the air

cleaner off there

and put the turkey right

on top of the engine box.

Now take the engine

thermostat control unit

and jam that up the

rear end of the turkey.

Now back up at your temperature

gauge, you gotta change --

show you when

the turkey's done.

Then you wanna disconnect

your windshield washer fluid,

and you wanna fill that up

with the turkey gravy.

Then you put the intake

unit back in there,

and now of course you don't

want that all over your

windshield,

so you wanna redirect the

squirter to --

actually put a piece

of duct tape on there

and aim her all

over the turkey.

And now when you apply the

windshield washer stuff,

you're actually

basting the bird.

All right, the next

thing you wanna do

is you wanna fill

the rad with frozen peas.

Boy, I can almost

taste those now.

Here's something new...

Take your lighter, put a

mushroom cap on the end of it,

you can cook them right out

of the cigarette lighter

unit there.

Take that off,

put the new one on.

Goin' into the thermos

there to keep them warm.

A nice treat

for non-smokers.

Here's how you make

the mashed potatoes...

Just put them

inside the hub cap.

Now, you need the

wheel to be warm,

so you put the emergency

brake on three clicks.

And put the pie in behind the

turkey on the engine block.

Now, you wanna

make whipped cream?

No problem.

Stick that back on the rim,

you're in business.

Corn on the cob

into a jar,

get one of the spark plugs,

attach that to the lid.

Every eight bangs,

you cook a 'corn of cob.'

you put the dough

for making little rolls

into the air cleaner,

put that back on.

They'll drop back

through the carb,

through the intake manifold

and come out the exhaust.

But there's something

you gotta do first...

A little bread basket to grab

them as they come out.

Now you just start her up,

and out they come.

First a couple

of regular rolls,

and then a brown one.

Yeah!

All right, you drive over to

wherever you're having your

christmas dinner,

and by the time you get there,

everything should be

pretty much ready.

So you just pop the hood,

and let's just see how

everything looks.

Boy, it sure smells good

when you're driving too.

Oh, look at that turkey.

That's a beautiful thing.

Oh! It's hot!

Oh, my gosh.

A beautiful thing.

Get that inside.

Come back out and --

okay the corn not so good.

The spark's all

at the one end,

like I was

when I was a kid.

Now you wanna take the

mashed potatoes off there.

I think it wasn't airtight.

I think that was the problem.

I know they'll be fine.

Now, uh --

okay, I have no idea

how to get the peas --

all right so,

there's your pie.

I think cooked

to perfection.

And you wanna wheel

that around --

I believe that was

the passenger wheel on that.

You hook up the hose --

the tire filler hose,

and you just reverse

the pressure and...

Oh, there you go.

And it's just that easy.

You know, if we cooked this

turkey on an old van

instead of a car,

we could've called it

"coq old van."

you know what they say,

the proof of the pudding is

written on the label.

Let's see how how

these mashed potatoes taste.

[ crunching ]

boy, that rock salt really

enhances the flavour.

Oh, golly, I forgot

my knife.

How am I gonna

carve the turkey?

Oh, I got a better idea.

We got a 200-horsepower

slicer right here.

Or as some people call it,

a fan blade.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

If you want any dark meat,

just grab it on the way by.

[ ♪ ]

ockings aren't

the only things that got

stuffed this christmas,

call rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

When there's

no room at the inn.

[ ♪ ]

red: Christmas is

the home fire,

to get you through the

darkest time of the year,

January, when the

visa bills come in,

a fire to warm you

through the cold of your

father-in-law's questions

concerning your employment

status and overall solvency.

So light a fire at

christmas to remind yourself

that if you don't pay

the gas or electricity

this is what it

basically comes down to.

Light a fire in the stove,

and light a fire in

the bedroom if you can.

And most of all,

light a fire under your kid.

You know, when the cave men

looked up at their night sky

they might have wanted their

sun to come back after it left,

but you don't

want yours to.

"dear santa...

"now that I'm out on my own

"and holding down an important

executive position in

the big city,

"this will probably be

the last letter I send you.

"writing letters to santa

is no longer considered

"appropriate behaviour

for an entry-level manager

"such as myself.

"however, I'd sure like

to draw your attention

"to my enclosed annual

employee evaluation report

"that quite clearly indicates

that I've been a good secretary

"to the vice president of

mergers and acquisitions

this year.

"consequently, and as a result

of the the communications we've

had in the past years

"I would appreciate your

considering my request for...

"a batman mouse pad,

"an electric

pencil sharpener,

"and a cell phone.

"oh! Oh! Oh!

And one of those things

with the silver balls

"that swing back and forth

and really important people

have on their desks

"and tells everyone they're far

too important to do anything

"other than play with this fun

little toy that gets really

boring after a while

"but it's way better

than doing work.

[ ♪ ]

"your cooperation in this

matter would be greatly

appreciated.

"signed your friend always,

harold green.

"p.S. Santa, I would like to

redirect your attention to my

opening paragraph

"wherein I stated that I would

probably no longer be sending

you letters.

"that's 'probably'

as in probably.

"thanks again, harold."

it's the possum lodge

word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

and today mr. Edgar montrose is

playing for a giant eggplant

from bernie's

big and tall vegetables.

This is just

an eggplant seed.

Uh, mr. Green, you have 30

seconds to get mr. Montrose

to say this word...

And go!

Okay, edgar!

This is most people's

favourite holiday.

Firecracker day.

No, people stay home from work

and give each other things.

Flu season?

It's an expression.

You know, in french

they say 'joyux' noel.

Uh, in english

they say merry...

Queen of scots.

Edgar, you know this okay.

What do you call it when

you get a treat in

your stocking?

Leprosy.

Almost outta time,

mr. Green.

Okay, edgar,

what do you call it

when the fat jolly guy

comes down your chimney?

Oh, dad lost his key again.

Come on, edgar!

You know, if you would

concentrate,

we could get this.

Well, if ifs and buts

was candy and nuts,

we'd all have

a merry christmas.

There you go!

[ cheers and applause ]

have you seen a decent

winter hat in here, red?

You're kinda gettin' in the

christmas spirit this year,

aren't you, hap?

No, not especially.

Well, hap, you're

wearing a santa costume.

Oh, this is not a costume.

This is my winter coat.

I got it for

last christmas.

Sure looks like

a santa coat to me.

Yeah, it's a

santa coat,

but it's not a santa costume.

There's the difference.

This is santa's

actual coat.

He wore it

last christmas.

He always leaves it at

the last house he was at,

and that just happens

to be my place.

Okay, so he went from

your house all the way

back to the north pole

without a coat on.

Yeah.

Kinda chilly,

wasn't it?

Well, for the last

part of the trip,

he wears this big brown

snowmobile suit thing.

What's sticking outta

your sleeve there, hap?

I dunno.

Huh. Seems to be

a list of some kind.

I can't believe

this stuff, hap.

Come on.

Oh, I know.

Doubting people

is a common flaw.

Some people don't

even believe in santa claus.

That's why I feel

so much for the man.

So you wear

his coat?

Red!

I'd gladly give up

all of my world records,

all the medals, all the

scientific breakthroughs,

all the inventions

and the fame, everything,

I'd give it all up --

other than the women,

of course,

if I could convince people

there is a santa claus.

That's why I'm wearing

this coat all winter,

so people will accept that

santa's in their hearts

all year round.

Oh, here it is.

Here it is.

No, no, no.

I got a better hat.

Look, easter bunny

left it for you.

[ laughter and applause ]

you know, around

christmas time,

a lot of people like

to buy pets for

their kids,

so I thought I'd get local

animal control officer

ed frid

to give us some tips

on what to get.

Come on up here, ed.

Sure. Okay.

Okay. Sure.

So, uh, ed, what gift would

you recommend for, say,

a nine- or

a 10-year-old?

A book.

No, I mean what kind

of animal would

you recommend?

Like, say, like mice here.

Would that be good?

Oh, no, not mice.

No, they're rodents.

Oh, yeah,

they carry disease,

and they can gnaw

right through your skull.

Well, maybe if you had

cheese for brains, eh?

Don't ever joke

around the mice, red.

All right, so mice

are too serious.

Well, how about this guy

here, this bunny rabbit,

is that a good idea, eh?

Well, sure, but you know,

rabbits, you know,

there's something

they like to do a lot

that maybe you don't

want your kids watching.

They eat with

their hands.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yeah, but I mean,

look how cute and

fluffy they are, eh?

Well, yeah, but do you

have any idea

how sharp those

front teeth are?

Yeah, and look at

those hind legs, red.

Do you see the size

of those thigh muscles?

A full grown rabbit could

like kick in your

bedroom door!

Yeah! He'd March

right in, eh.

And gnaw right

through your skull.

That's what he'd do!

Okay, no mice,

no rabbits.

Surely goldfish

are okay, aren't they?

No, fish are

brain food, red.

What does that

tell you?

That nobody

I know eats fish.

No...

That they're smart.

Too smart.

Always thinking...

Always scheming...

"how do we

kill the humans?

"and flush them

down the toilet!

"yeah! That's it.

"we'll plug the drains

with their bodies.

"we'll flood the world."

and look at

their mouths, eh.

They're talkin'

all right.

They're taunting,

chiding,

[ drawling ]

"you're all gonna dwown!"

okay, uh,

maybe not as informative

as I'd hoped,

but at least now

you know who not to ask.

If you'll excuse me,

it's feeding time.

[ ♪ ]

if jack frost isn't the only

thing nippin' at your nose,

call rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

[ german accent ]

ve're going to pump you out.

Here's something special

you can do for the

holiday season...

Record a christmas message

onto your answering machine.

You might even put some

christmas music on there too.

Hey, what is the

possum lodge phone message?

I dunno.

No one ever calls it.

We're already here.

Well, I'll play it.

Harold's voice: Ah, okay,

thanks for calling possum lodge

but nobody's around.

It's probably because we're

all celebrating the

new year, right?

So we're downstairs dancing

and stuff and no one

can hear the phone.

So leave a message.

Happy new year!

Have a great 1988!

[ beep ]

uncle red, why don't you tell

the folks at home how they

can play christmas music

in the background as they

record their own message.

Tell them.

Uh, yeah.

All right, harold.

Actually we're going to go

one step better than that.

The guys here are gonna

hum a christmas tune,

and I'm gonna put

a message in, so --

okay, guys, and...

[ beep ]

[ guys humming tunes ]

no, no, no.

Hold on.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

You can't sing different

songs, all right.

Pick one christmas song

and go with it everybody.

Well, how about

"jingle bells," red?

We all know that one.

[ all agreeing ]

all right,

"jingle bells."

all right, and... Go.

[ guys humming jingle bells ]

merry christmas from everybody

at possum lodge.

Sorry we can't come

to the phone right now.

Leave your name and

number after the "hey!"

all: Hey!

[ applause ]

red: Christmas is about feeling

good about going to church.

That means looking up

the address,

just in case it moved since

easter three years ago.

It's about showing up at

11 for the 9:30 a.M. Service

and wondering why the

parking lot is emptying

and your wife is getting a

ride home with the neighbours.

It's about sitting

in a quiet pew alone

after everyone's gone,

quietly counting your blessings

and it's about the janitor

inviting you into the

church hall

for a free christmas dinner

with the rest of the homeless.

What you doin' with

the goldfish bowl, mike?

Ah, gee, I didn't see

you there, mr. Green.

Um, well, I'm not

doing anything.

Okay, see you.

Where you goin'?

Well, I thought

I'd just go outside

and stand in the

snow for a while.

With that hat on?

Well, sure,

I mean, it's gettin' colder

out there, you know.

I see you got

a bell there too.

Oh, yeah, this.

Well, um, I thought

I'd just, um,

ring it once in a while,

while I stood outside

in the snow.

And that's it?

That's it.

Well, then you don't need

the goldfish bowl,

do you?

Well, I thought that

if people wanted to,

they could, you know,

like, drop, uh, oh --

goldfish into it?

Okay, actually --

actually I was gonna collect

donations for charity.

Oh, okay.

That's great.

Which charity?

Well, no particular

charity.

Um, more like for all

the needy in general.

Boy, you know,

there's a lot of needy.

To distribute that money

all over the world,

that's gonna take

a lot of your time.

Well, that's absolutely

right, mr. Green.

That's a good point.

I mean, I don't have the

resources for that, right?

I think what I'll do

is I'll collect money

for the, uh, needy

possum lodge members.

Thanks for the tip.

Mike, who do you think is the

most needy possum lodge member?

Well, I'd have

to say that, uh,

the lodge member that

hasn't paid his dues

for the longest time

would need the money

the most, right?

Yeah, well,

that's you, mike.

Yeah, right!

That is me, isn't it?

You've never paid your

dues at all, I don't think.

Not in my

recollection, no.

I'll tell

you what, mike.

I'm gonna give you

a christmas gift.

Really!

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna waive

all your dues.

You've got no debt at

the lodge at all,

all right.

How's that sound?

Oh...

So you won't really need

the fish bowl anymore,

but you know, going out

there with the bell

and the hat

and spreading

christmas cheer,

that's a great idea.

Yeah, I guess I could

still do that, I guess.

[ unenthusiastic ]

well, merry christmas.

[ ringing bell ]

not in here, mike.

You know, I like to spread

the christmas cheer.

I used to do the

christmas caroling,

but my friends

made me sound bad.

And of course

they'd blame me.

They'd say, you have

no control over your voice.

You just the pa rum pa pum pums

in the background.

Instead of that,

I've got a better way

to spread music and joy

to your neighbours

without going door to door

into the biting cold there.

I'm gonna turn

the possum van

into a christmas-song-

broadcasting vehicle.

I can probably come up with

a better name than that.

No.

All right, all's you

need is christmas music

playing on your

car tape deck

and a couple of speakers

mounted on the roof.

Don't have to be

expensive speakers now,

because they're gonna

be out in the open.

There's usually

one guy in every town

who sells cheap speakers,

as long as you

don't need a receipt.

Hey, mike!

No, mike, mike.

It's just me, red.

Ah, gee,

mr. Green.

Hey, good to see you.

Sorry about yelling

at you there, mike.

Oh, that's okay,

mr. Green.

I know you don't have

that much control

over your voice.

Yeah. Right.

Mike, remember last

summer you had that job

where you were selling

speakers out of the

back of a truck?

Oh, yeah! Yeah.

Yeah, that was sort of

like a job, yeah.

Well, sure, I made some

money from doing it.

Yeah, that job.

Yeah.

Well, I wondering, do you

have any of those speakers

left over at all?

Well, I only got a

couple of speakers left.

The cops took most of them.

I tell you I'd have

to charge a good price

for those last

two speakers,

coz it took me three days to

file the serial numbers

off of them.

Well, I could give

you 20 bucks for 'em.

Uh, yeah, I guess I could

let you have 'em for

20 bucks.

Uh, they're

in the shed.

Uh, mike, what about

the television set here?

Oh, sure.

Make me an offer.

Okay, now all I gotta do

is mount these speakers

on the roof

so I'll be able

to broadcast music

throughout

the neighbourhood.

Actually, it's smart

to put 'em on the roof.

The stuff you buy from mike

should never be at eye level.

Better idea.

I'm gonna go mono.

Yeah, the mono thing

is really coming back.

You know how fads

kinda go in cycles?

Well, young people are really

into the mono music now.

What I'll do is I'll mount this

facing onto the right side,

and I'll go up

the street one way,

then I'll turn around

come back the other way

and do the other side.

These wires are from

under my dashboard.

They're my radio

speaker wires,

which I've disconnected and

have rerouted up here

to the speaker.

Wasn't easy, believe me.

There are a lot of wires under

a dash -- [ horn blasting ]

hey, dalton.

Red.

I didn't know you

were open sundays.

Shhh! Anne marie finds out,

I'm a dead man.

She thinks being open on

sundays breaks one of

the commandments.

I dunno which one.

Judging by your prices,

it's probably

'thou shalt not steal.'

speaking of which,

did you hear I gave

mike hamar a tv set?

It was broke,

and he didn't even know.

Well, he knows now, dalton.

Well, you know, I just wanted

to get it off my back

so I told him he won it

because he was my

one millionth customer.

What, you've had

a million customers?

Well, I will eventually.

I'm just not

counting in order.

Can I help you, red?

Well, dalton, I was hoping you

had an audio cassette tape

I could borrow.

Yeah, okay.

There you go.

Take your pick.

No, see,

dalton, um,

I was hoping you had

one of the newer style,

like this one here in

your answering machine.

No, you can't have

that tape, red.

I'm expecting a call.

Well, can't you just

answer the phone?

Red, I'm expecting a

call from ranger gord.

I need this

answering machine.

He's gonna warn me if

he sees anne marie

heading this way.

I got an idea.

Look.

Let me take

the tape, okay.

Then when you

answer the phone,

you just pretend you're

an answering machine.

You say, "hello, I'm not in.

Leave a message."

oh, come on, red.

Ranger gord would have to be a

complete idiot to believe --

it might just work.

Recorded a bunch of christmas

songs right off the radio

onto dalton's answering

machine tape here.

I even took the time to

edit out the commercials.

Nobody wants

to hear advertising

blaring off

the top of my van.

Actually could've made

a little money there, eh,

selling commercials

in between the songs.

Actually, I could

have visual advertising

on the side of

the van here.

Maybe have a

few sponsors, eh?

Oh, no, that's not in the

spirit of christmas at all.

Nope, I'm just gonna drive

up and down the street

giving off nothing but

cheerful christmas music.

[ ♪ "jingle bells" ]

[ music cuts out ]

dalton: Hello, this is

humphrey's everything store.

Unfortunately, we're not

available to take your

call right now...

You know, a lot of people want

to have a white christmas,

no matter what mother nature

has to say about it.

So I'm gonna show

you how to make a pretty

half-decent snow maker

out of stuff you

find around the home.

So I've taken this outboard

motor off a toboggan --

boy, there was an idea.

Anyway, what I'm gonna do is

attach it to the inside

of a basin.

I'm using one of these old

clawfoot bathtubs.

Nobody wants these

things anymore.

This is now

your snow maker.

All you do is just

add ice in there.

But you don't wanna have to

be going into the house

every ten minutes

for more ice.

So I'm just gonna hook it

up to the lodge icemaker

with a piece of dryer hose.

Now all I gotta do

is just start her up,

and in no time flat,

I'll be walking in a two-cycle,

9.9 horse

winter wonderland.

Oh, red green!

Merry christmas!

Yeah, merry christmas,

gord.

Listen, I'm sorry I don't

have a present for you.

Hope you don't mind.

No, it's a

relief, gord.

Uh, you gave me that dead

muskrat last year.

Threw me off a little.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, that was a little

oopsie on my part,

forgetting to put the

airholes in the top

of the box.

Good eatin' though.

No. No. No.

You better

sit down, red.

I have a miracle

to tell you about.

A miracle?

Yeah.

You've met a girl?

No. No, I mean a

christmas miracle.

The one that let's

animals speak.

Oh, yeah, I know

what you mean.

That christmas legend thing,

where farm animals

get the gift of speech

just for christmas eve.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Although it's

not such a miracle

that farm animals

can speak.

I mean, parrots do it

all year round.

No, what I'm

more interested in

no, no, no, it's not a

conversation, gord.

The way I understand it,

they just get down on

their knees

and they do, I think it's a

short christmas prayer.

Yes, that's what

I used to think,

until I snuck into a

barn last christmas eve

just before midnight

and took some notes.

You went into

somebody's barn?

Yeah,

door was open.

Anyway, this is an

actual conversation

that took place between

the farmyard animals.

Oh, boy.

The first to

speak was the cow.

Cow: Mooo!

Then the horse:

Hey, guys,

it must be christmas eve.

I can talk.

Oh, yeah.

Cow: It stinks

in this barn.

There are

too many flies.

Goat:

I want more food.

Cow:

Hey, guys, look.

Over in the corner,

there's a man hiding.

He has a notebook.

Horse:

Everybody shut up!

And after that the

animals were just quiet.

So no prayer.

Not a sausage.

The animals were extremely

whiny and self-centred.

I think what we all

have to realise, red,

is just because somebody

has the gift of speech,

doesn't mean it's going

to say anything of

any value.

You've proven

that, gord.

Thanks, red.

Happy new year

from winston rothschild,

reminding you if old

acquaintances can't be forgot,

call rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

We're y2k compliant!

[ applause ]

red: Christmas is recalling

your own childhood memories,

all for the sole purpose

of telling your kids

how much worse off

you were than them,

how you thought

yourself lucky

just to have a mouldy potato

in your stocking

so the family could

mash it for dinner.

And the time

you and their mother

had to sell

your own shoes

just to buy each

other warm socks.

But most of all,

christmas is about

the power of imagination,

leaving milk and cookies

for santa,

hearing reindeer

hooves on the roof,

and creating these stories

about your pathetic childhood

just so you can

explain to your kids,

why they didn't get everything

they wanted this year.

Well, I know all

you youngsters out there

hear a lot about rudolf

the red-nosed reindeer

at christmas time.

I know it sounds kind

of cute and friendly,

but I just wanna

remind you children that

reindeer can kill!

I mean, normal

reindeer can kill.

How much mayhem a flying

reindeer could create

I don't even

wanna think about,

especially one

with a red nose!

Yeah, coz in the animal world,

red is a dangerous colour.

Yeah, I work with

animals all the time,

and, uh, they hate red.

Well, that's why

my uniform isn't red.

My truck isn't red.

My bandages aren't red.

Well, not at

first anyway.

You see, in th

animal kingdom,

red means irritated.

And take it from

someone who's been there,

you do not want an irritated

animal in your home...

Especially at christmas.

You'd be surprised how easy

something could go wrong.

For example, you go to leave

a carrot for rudolf on

a red napkin,

it turns into

a yuletide tragedy!

So don't be fooled

by the nice songs.

I know. I know.

It's a good thing if an animal

has a very shiny nose.

That could even

look cool.

But you know what,

if it's gone so far

that you would

even say it "glows,"

I think we're

talkin' rabies here!

Or maybe some kind of nuclear

thing's goin' on there.

I don't know.

It just takes

one vicious attack

by one rabid, deranged,

radioactive beast

and your christmas

party's ruined.

Well, unless it's a, you know,

office christmas party.

Red: Now, we thought for

christmas it would be

just perfect

to make a snowman.

And yeah,

walter come up there,

and he brought the hat and --

yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he had a carrot

for the nose and everything.

So he's all set.

We're just gonna start

with a couple of snowballs

and just roll 'em.

That's how you do it.

They've been doin' this way

since the beginning of time.

You might as well

come my way.

Why don't we stay together?

Yeah, that's better.

Since time immemorial,

just rolling.

If you get the right snow,

if it's packing.

And I'm getting there.

The thing is you gotta figure

out how big you wanna make

each one,

because you need a -- I think

you need three, don't you?

Or two or three.

One for the body,

one for the middle,

and one for the other part.

And mine's comin'

along pretty good,

but, now, walter,

his snowball's not

getting any bigger.

Why would that be,

I wonder?

Oh.

Okay, now, that

would be a softball.

Uh... Okay, good.

Thank you very much.

All right, so walter's

got the good idea.

He's gonna start again.

Now he's gonna

hand me that one.

He's gonna take

over my snowball.

I see.

All right. All right.

So again, walter's

a little younger,

and this is something for the

young folks to enjoy.

And I'm gonna let him decide

how big I should make mine.

Mine's gettin' there.

Keep goin'. Keep goin'.

And walter's coming

along pretty good there.

That's a pretty good one.

Yeah. Yeah.

And now mine's

startin' to --

boy, walter, that's

gettin' pretty, uh --

that's getting pretty

ambitious there, walter.

We gotta -- you know, we gotta

pick these up at some point.

That may be -- walter,

that may be enough.

Mine's getting.

You know, I think we're --

I think --

oh, walter!

Holy mackerel.

Holy jumpin'.

Now he can't even --

now you see?

You can't even

push it up the hill.

No, don't, don't --

don't leave it.

Look out, it'll come.

Don't leave it.

You can't leave it.

Too much?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy!

Get outta the way!

Oh, boy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Jump to the side, walter.

It's comin' after you.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, no, he's fine.

He's good. He's good.

Oh, she's headin'

for the ramp!

Get out of the way!

Walter get out of the way!

Uh-oh.

Oh-h-h-h!

That's comin' --

incoming!

And there's mine and...

Oh! Hey!

There's our snowman.

Nston rothschild

from rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services

reminding you, we'll take

plenty of dough in

before it starts snowin'

and santa's ho ho hoin',

coz we're sucking

not blowing.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ dalton muttering

under his breath ]

oh!

Yeah, I was supposed to give

this programme some class

by reading

a christmas story,

but, ah, I lost

the stupid book.

Anyway, I'll have to do it

from whatever memory

I have left.

Okay, the story is

the "gift of the magee."

it's written by a guy whose

name reminds me of a

chocolate bar,

baby ruth or peter paul mounds

or something.

Anyway, quite a while ago

there was this man and this

woman that were married.

You know, which means they

weren't shacked up with

her father,

like my daughter and her

do-nothing boyfriend.

Anyway, this man and

this woman, this couple

were very much in love.

They kept it

to themselves, you know,

so you didn't have to watch

them making out on the couch

when you're trying

to clip your toenails.

Anyway, this couple was broke,

and they didn't know what to

get each other for christmas,

so at least, you know,

they had the decency

not to go to her father

and try to mooch for a loan,

which I'll

never get back!

But on the other hand,

they weren't that bright.

She cuts off all her hair here,

to buy her guy a watch chain,

and he sells his watch

to get her a doodad

for the hair she

doesn't have anymore.

The end.

Isn't that just about the most

dumb and pathetic story

you ever heard?

Oh, sure, I know it's supposed

to make you feel all

gooey inside

and remind you of the true

spirit of christmas,

which is, you know, spending

a lot of time and money

getting gifts for people

that they don't need

and you can't afford.

Well, at least that sums up

the festive spirit around

our house.

Anyway, merry christmas

and I hope this story

has taught you something,

like, you know, go out and

buy yourself something nice,

because you never know when

you're gonna go broke

and lose your hair and

have to sell your watch.

[ applause ]

red: Christmas is cutlery...

Special knives, odd spoons,

and more forks than

the road to the lodge,

plus all kinds of serving

doodads that you haven't seen,

let alone used

in almost a year.

And of course, as the man,

you're expected

to surgically dissect

the turkey with these tools,

with a bunch of other

tools heckling you.

They hand you the fancy steel

knife with the bone handle

that's duller

than a baseball bat,

forcing you to ask your guests

whether they want

white pulp or dark pulp.

But most of all, christmas is

finishing your meal

with a half-dozen forks

and spoons untouched

while you lick the mashed

potatoes off the palms

of your hands.

You know, at christmas time

my heart kinda goes out

to the less fortunate.

I'm talkin' about people who

don't like fruitcake.

And I'm one of 'em.

But you know,

if you look at fruitcake

and the weight of it

and the size of it

and the dimensions of it,

if you can get

past the gag reflex,

there are a lot of

things that you can do

that are practical applications

of this unit right here.

Let me show you a couple...

Here's something

dalton does.

He saves up all

of his fruitcakes,

and he gives 'em

out at Halloween.

It's a lot easier than just

turning the lights off,

like he used to do.

Away you go.

Ranger gord,

on christmas eve

he uses his

fruitcake as a pillow.

Fruitcake on a fruitcake.

And here's gord

on christmas day.

Now, winston uses his

fruitcake as goalie pads.

I hope he's also

wearing a fruit cup.

Here's something

you can do.

Use a fruitcake as a

poor man's cruise control.

You can do about 80 klicks

with that unit on there.

There's dalton again,

switching santa's normal treat

for a big wad of fruitcake.

And here's

dalton's stocking,

showing santa getting even.

You know, fruitcake has

the same properties as wood,

including taste.

You can keep a

stove going for hours.

Here's something.

Use a piece of fruitcake as a

lovely parking brake.

Use fruitcake

as a boat anchor.

It doesn't float.

And here's the

best one yet

you can lift fruitcake

to get your arms pumped up,

rather than eating and getting

your stomach pumped out.

Or hide your

extra key under a --

nobody's gonna look

under a fruitcake.

Christmas is such a great

season, you know.

People are

actually friendlier

because it doesn't

seem the right time

to tell other people

what you think of them.

Oh, red, boy,

I'm glad I caught you,

coz I'm handing out

all my christmas cards

to the lodge

members this year.

Saving money on stamps,

eh, dalton?

Yep.

And envelopes.

Oh, man.

Just give me a minute.

I gotta find which

one is yours.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

There it is.

Thank you, dalton.

Kinda stuck

together here.

Yeah, you know

what that is?

No.

That's whiteout.

Yeah, I had to make a

few corrections on it.

There you go.

"to red from dalton."

how'd you mess that up?

No, I had to correct

the rest of it, red,

because it used to say

"to dalton from anne marie."

and then there was a

kind of a mushy love poem

on the other side

there, you know.

I kinda had to

wipe that out.

You know, you are the

cheapest man I know,

I think.

You know,

I'm recycling!

Whiteout isn't cheap.

You know, if people

would only learn

to do their cards

with pencil...

Oh, mr. Humphrey, there you are.

I was looking for you.

I wanted to

thank you very much

for sending me this card.

Oh, no problem

there, harold.

It's not my birthday,

but I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

It's not a birthday card,

it's a christmas card.

Look, see there where I've

crossed out "birthday"

and written in "christmas"

just beneath it?

"happy christmas."

yes, that's what

the english say!

"to the birthday boy."

well, christmas is

somebody's birthday,

isn't it?

[ applause ]

merry christmas,

harold.

Gee, thanks.

If the ghosts

of christmas past

won't leave the present,

time to move

into the future,

with rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Discounts for vegetarians.

Okay, well, that's it

for our christmas special.

I hope you enjoyed it --

or part of it anyway.

And harold, can I just

say what a --

I guess treat would

be the fair word --

uh, to have you here.

Oh, thank you

very much for that.

Uncle red, at this moment,

I'd like to present to

you a little gift.

Oh, well, thank you,

harold.

I got something

for you too.

Hang on.

Here you go.

Oh! Oh!

No, wait, wait!

I'll open mine first.

We don't wanna end

on a low note.

What we got here,

harold?

It seems to be a -- looks like

a timepiece of some kind.

Yeah! Yeah!

It's an alarm clock.

You know, to help

you get up.

Yeah, well, I don't

really have anything

to get up for,

but you know, good to have.

Good to have.

Well, you know, I know

how you hate sleeping

through dinner.

Yeah, all right.

Well, open yours up,

harold.

This is exciting.

This will show you

that I finally see

that you are a man --

or as close as you're

gonna get, I think.

Yeah, pretty exciting.

Take a look at this.

Look at this.

You're gonna love this.

Look at this.

You wrap it yourself?

Yeah!

Wow! Oh, a key.

He gave me a key.

Wow!

I bet you that's to

like a brand new car.

No, it's a key

to the lodge.

Isn't that great?

Huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.

You can come up to the

lodge any time you want,

especially when

I'm not here.

Well, actually, I only like

coming up when you are here.

Well, don't

you get it?

No, no, no.

I'm kiddin' you.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Well, we gotta go,

so have yourself a

great holiday season,

and on behalf of everybody

out there who has

maybe a harold

in their life --

or worse yet, those of you

who have an uncle red

in your life --

merry christmas!

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com

when I insult you

that means I like you.

Oh! Oh, okay.

That's cool.

That's cool.

Well, thank you

very much,

you fat, old,

dried up bast -- oops!

Advertisement