The Catfish Project/Transcript

Intro
{Red stands fishing by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: A lot of times, a new product will come on the market, and one of the guys will say, "Boy, that is so simple, why didn't we think of that?", which I choose to take as a compliment. Basically, we have no respect for the creative process. Our attitude is, "If somebody thought of it, anybody could've thought of it, including one of us. We were just too busy watching TV or eating or something." It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Bill spinning around in a circle as he winds up to throw a discus. After spinning around for several seconds, he releases his grip on the discus, and it flies through the air and hits one of the windshield wipers on the Possum Van, knocking it off.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} In today's show, Bill's gonna throw the discus... right into my windshield wiper. Thank you, Bill.

{Cut to Red and Dougie, the latter holding up his hands and pinching his index finger and thumb together.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Dougie, I guess, has picked up something off the carpet. I don't know what he's doing there.

{Cut to Red, who has cut a rowboat in half and adds a piece of a second cut rowboat into the first cut one to make it longer.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'm gonna actually show you how to make a stretch rowboat.

{Cut to Buzz trying clean off his plane with a broom.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Buzz is gonna dry-clean his plane.

Plot Segment 1
''{The camera pans through the lodge to Harold. The audience applauds.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And now, here's the man who proves where there's a will, there's a wilderness, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

{Red enters, waving to everyone.}

RED GREEN: Thank you. Thank you very much. {gestures toward Harold} And now, meet the guy who proves where there's a will, there's a won't, {points to Harold} my nephew and director by marriage, Harold.

''{Harold plays his switcher. A fish appears and "swims" across the screen. Harold laughs and whoops.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, man. Big stuff up at the lodge this week. One of the local churches is having their annual fishing fundraiser contest thing: the "Catch a Catfish For Confirmation" contest. And all the proceeds are gonna go to their "Bible In Every Motel Room" fund. So out in Possum Lake, we got to have five hundred fishermen out there, casting, throwing, whatever. Moose Thompson is so convinced he's gonna catch a great, big catfish that he took the winch off his truck, and he soldered it to {raises hand in the air} a great, big metal flagpole.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow! How many fish have we reeled in so far?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} None. {back to camera} In fact, if this keeps up, it might turn into the biggest bait contest. But I figure they got to catch a catfish eventually, 'cause catfish are bottom feeders, and you can't get more bottom than Possum Lake.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, there aren't any catfish in Possum Lake. They like fresh water.

RED GREEN: Oh, you're just whining 'cause the catfish are smarter than you, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: That's not true! I'm just not interested in fishing because I am a television producer.

RED GREEN: Oh, that's right. He's already a bottom feeder.

Segue: Buzz Sherwood
{Buzz is trying to clean the wings of his plane with a broom.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: And you know, these wings, they're really strong. You know, the other night, we were having a party. {gives a thumbs-up} I had seven people on this thing dancing! Great party! Good thing we didn't hit any air pockets. {shakes head around} Whoa! {cackles}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by running a stick up and down on a chain while holding a straw in his mouth, trying to hum through it.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Well, you can see the effect
 * Of the modeling school
 * In the way she walks and she sits,
 * But there simply is not
 * A ladylike way
 * To get rid of watermelon pits.
 * No, you can't really hide them,
 * There's nowhere to put them,
 * And eating them is really tough.
 * So I say you hock back
 * And spit them at the waiter
 * And eventually he'll stop serving the stuff.

Buddy System
{Red and Dougie run down into the lodge basement and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: Well, here it is: two days to go 'til the big weekend camping trip. No kids, no housework, no responsibilities... and no way you're gonna get to go. {shakes head}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Because you haven't told her yet. {Red shakes his head} And when you do, hoo! She's gonna blow a head gasket!

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Why is it that men leave everything to the last minute? I think we just try to cover our backsides by saying we like to be spontaneous. You know what I think it is? I think we're afraid of the women!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: No, no, Red, I disagree. I think it's just 'cause, well, we're really just kind of ashamed of ourselves.

RED GREEN: {nods} Anyway, we're gonna give you an excuse so you'll be able to go to the trip, all right? Like, you got to, say, come up with a dying relative or a friend.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Preferably one out of town.

RED GREEN: Yeah, one she's never heard of.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: And you're gonna say something to the effect of, uh, "He's gonna be on his death bed on Friday night. And, uh, I'll, of course, be taking my golf clubs and my fishing tackle just in case there's some weird music and a bolt of lightning comes down and he's up on his feet on Sunday, looking for something to do."

RED GREEN: Well, she's gonna see through that like a screen door. She'll know you're lying.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {holding index finger and thumb together} Well, and that's the trick to bad lying. I mean, you got to let your loved one think she figured it all out for herself.

RED GREEN: That way, she'll get mad and get it all blown off in a big hurry 'cause you're just so pathetic and stupid.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: And then, of course, you can go off with the guys for a while. And, you know, she'll have a couple of days to cool her jets, maybe realize how much she wants, needs, and misses you.

RED GREEN: {holds up index finger} But don't stay away too long, {Dougie shakes his head} 'cause she might realize how much she really wants, needs, and misses you. {Dougie nods}

Harold's Announcements
''{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a clipboard.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {reading} "For sale–" {stumbles briefly} "For sale: do-it-yourself mink coat, mink stole, mink jacket, and mink hat. Kit includes one male mink, one female mink, there's a bag of mink food, and one cage. Some assembly required." {puts ad in trash can, which suddenly shakes around}

Handyman Corner
{Red drives up to a spot outside the lodge and parks the car.}

RED GREEN: You know, with everybody out on Possum Lake trying to catch themselves a catfish, I thought I would share with you one of the secrets of freshwater fishing. Just one word: "image". You gotta look like you're the expert. It doesn't catch you any more fish. But it sure intimidates the other fishermen, and fisherwomen, fisherkids, and so on. And it makes them lose their concentration, and they start doing stupid things. You know, sticking their hooks in their thumbs or trying to scale fish with the outboard motor or, even worse, they try to copy you! That pretty much guarantees failure. {walks behind van and sees two fishing boats back there} Now, I got a couple of fishing boats on a trailer here. {stops short as he notices no trailer at all} I did have them on a trailer. Well, it looked like a 1-7/8, but I guess that was a two-inch hitch. There's only two ways, really, to create an image. One is to lie, which has been pretty much overused since the Nixon era. {opens back doors of van} And the other one is to have real impressive-looking fishing equipment. {takes out a chainsaw} But that takes a lot of money. So today I'm gonna show you how you can use a real cheap method to look like a rich, successful fisherman. {walks up to one fishing boat} You've all seen a stretch limo. You heard of one of them DC-Stretch-8 airplanes. How about a stretch fishing boat? Alls you need is a chainsaw, and you can turn a pair of punts into a two-huller.

''{Red tries to start up the chainsaw, but it won't turn on. Wipe to a later scene. Red has turned on the chainsaw and is cutting through the boat, which is burning from the sparks caused by the chainsaw. Wipe again, as Red has put the chainsaw aside and is instead cutting up the boats with an axe. One boat is cut in half, while the other has a piece cut out of the middle.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. Now we got all our pieces to make ourselves a really big fishing boat. {tosses axe aside} Here's an extra bonus. {holds up chainsaw} We managed to make ourselves an anchor. That was lucky. All right, now what we got to do is separate our bow out from our stern here to start stretching her out. So let's get the bow out of the way. {pulls bow of boat with cut in middle away from the first boat, creating a huge gap} All righty. Just gonna try and line up the cuts there. That looks good. {runs back up to boat} All right, now we get the stern out through there. {pulls stern out to make gap even bigger} All right. Now all we gotta do is come in here and take our midship, move it back into our midship. {pulls cut-up midship from second boat into gap, grunting with effort, making a stretch boat} There we go. Now, of course, you just connect all these pieces together using, say, rivets or welding or, you guessed it, the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {gets into boat and takes oars out} Now, the paddles here have gotta go, 'cause you cannot be powering a craft of this nature and try to look affluent if you're driving along with paddles. {tosses oars out} So I would recommend you go with an outboard motor on there of some nature. Maybe 100 horsepower, maybe even more, depending on how bad your seams leak. {suddenly becomes concerned as he notices the cut-up pieces remaining} Oh, wow. All right, we, uh... we have a couple pieces left over here. We have a bow, and we have a stern. You know how I hate leftovers. {suddenly brightens up and snaps fingers} Got an idea.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the main pieces of the boat together, and the two smaller remaining pieces have been duct-taped together and put on top of the main boat as a Bimini top. An outboard motor has been added to the stern.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. What's better than a stretch fishing boat? How about a stretch fishing boat with a Bimini top? Huh? Keeps the sun off you and your cooler. Keeps the rain off. Talk about image! You'll look like Cleopatra barging her way down the Nile. {steps into boat to turn on outboard motor} So, until next time, happy fishing. And remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {looks up at Bimini top} Oh, here's another bonus: {shoves it off boat onto the ground} She doubles as a lifeboat. That's probably the most important feature of all.

Commercial bumper
{Red is seen with Buzz taking stuff out of the latter's plane.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Coming up, we're gonna clean out Buzz's plane, and I'm gonna split some wood...

{Red stands out in the woods, cutting some wood while wearing a yellow slicker.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...while I talk with the teenagers, so it won't be a complete waste of time.

Red's Teen Talk
''{Red is seen in the woods outside the lodge in a yellow slicker. He is trying to split a log with an axe. Another axe is embedded in the log.}''

RED GREEN: I was in town the other day and saw a bunch of kids on those roller blades. You know what roller blades are? They're those little skates that have, uh, couch casters on them instead of blades. {puts down axe and holds up hands defensively} Now, look, I don't like to make judgments about you teenagers and your free time and how you waste it, {scowls} but are you guys crazy or what?! Skates are for ice, not for pavement. I mean, fall on ice skates, and... okay, you're gonna slide for a while. You might scawn your noggin on the goal post or something. But you'll get over it. You know, you'll be able to carry on a conversation, {takes axe again} perhaps have children of your own someday. Whereas if you fall on the roller blades on the pavement there, and you're gonna leave a trail of skin and flesh that's gonna make it real hard to identify the body at the end of the skid mark. You know, when the human form comes into glancing contact with a gritty surface like, say, cement or pavement, the coefficient to friction is really working against you there. So, for gosh sakes, take it easy. If you have to be on wheels... hotwire a car or something! {chops at another area of the log}

Harold's Announcements 2
''{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a clipboard.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {reading} "Wanted: any and all Kathie Lee Gifford albums. Will pay cash for your Kathie Lee Gifford records, including her 'Best of' album and 'Kathie Lee Sings Her Favorite Christmas Carols'." Haw! "Contact the Possum Lodge Lake Skeet Shooting Club." {becomes annoyed as he puts ad in trashcan} Oh, that's not even– {becomes startled as trashcan shakes around}

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, we just reeled in our first fish in the "Catch a Catfish for Confirmation" contest, and, man, it's a beauty: 47 feet long!

HAROLD GREEN: {stares} Forty-seven feet? One fish?

RED GREEN: {nods} Yep, 47-foot catfish. That would have to be a record, I would think, of some kind.

HAROLD GREEN: ''Haw! {walks up close to Red}'' That's not a record, that's some kind of mutant freak of nature, I would think! That's scary!

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, you would know, Harold. {back to camera} I tell ya, they reeled it up onto the beach here. They had to use Flinty McClintock's tow truck. First time a tow truck had been used to bring in a fish, as far as I would know.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow! Who managed to reel in and land a fish that size? Oh, don't tell me! Moose Thompson and his custom-made fishing rod, right? The one that has the winch soldered to the flagpole? {giggles}

RED GREEN: Nope, Old Man Sedgewick. Caught it on his anchor using Stinky Peterson as bait.

HAROLD GREEN: I'm guessing there's a story here.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} It's a normal fish story, Harold. {back to camera} Old Man Sedgewick throws the anchor over. Anchor chain tangles around Stinky's foot. Over he goes. Fish swallows Stinky, dies, floats to the surface. They tow the fish in, fish belches, out comes Stinky.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Unbelievable!

RED GREEN: Stinky said you should have seen the one that got away. Just a normal fish story.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, Captain "Aflab" and Moby "Doink"!

Visit With Buzz Sherwood
''{Red and Buzz stand out by the dock next to the latter's plane. Red has his arm around Buzz's shoulder.}''

RED GREEN: Here we are with Buzz Sherwood, our resident bush pilot and daredevil extraordinary.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Red, you know, you're only as young as you feel.

RED GREEN: That's true.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {playfully punching Red on the shoulder} Boom!

{Buzz cackles, while Red briefly winces in pain.}

RED GREEN: I'm gonna be going up in the plane with Buzz today, so, Buzz, tell us a bit about it. Is this, what, a Cessna 150, is it?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Actually, Red, this is a kit plane. I built it around an old Volkswagen Beetle I used to have. Actually, I had nine of them. Hey, hop on.

RED GREEN: All right. {starts to get on the plane}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Age before beauty. {cackles}

RED GREEN: {stops as he spots some junk in the way} Uh, you got a bit of stuff here, Buzz.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, well, throw it out, throw it out.

RED GREEN: All right.

''{Red takes the stuff out and hands them to Buzz, who takes them and tosses them aside. They include a plastic gas can and a yellow bucket.}''

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yeah, after today I'm gonna sell Beauty, and I'm gonna buy a submarine.

RED GREEN: {surprised} What? Where you gonna find a submarine?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Down on Possum Lake. {takes and tosses a box that Red hands him} I was doing some, uh, low-level trolling this morning, you know, in the "Catch a Catfish for Confirmation" contest.

RED GREEN: {handing Buzz the next thing: a grappling hook} You go trolling from an airplane?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {takes grappling} Yeah, with this. Scares the bejesus out of the contestants! {cackles} Anyway, I see someone's beached their submarine over on Rock Reef Point. I even took a picture of it. {holds up a small photograph to Red} See?

RED GREEN: That's not a submarine. That's the big catfish Old Man Sedgewick caught.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Wow! {puts on a pair of glasses to see} No kidding!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Whoa! Well, keep the Geiger counter in there, man. We gotta check this mutant out!

RED GREEN: All righty.

''{They get in the plane together. Wipe to a later scene. The plane has landed again and Buzz gets out.}''

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Whoa! That was the greatest! Man, Harold, you missed some great stunts. I mean, technically, these planes are incapable of doing those kind of maneuvers, but the people that write the technical manuals, they're a bunch of WIMPS! {cackles}

''{Red crawls out of the plane, feeling disoriented from the flight. He clings to one of the metal poles of the plane for support, hanging upside-down.}''

RED GREEN: Well, thanks, Buzz. I really, really enjoyed that ride, and, uh, very educational.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yeah! It was educational for me, too! I had no idea he knew those kinda words. {laughs}

Harold's Announcements 3
''{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a clipboard.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {reading} "For sale: used barbecue. It's a gas barbecue that's for sale. The tank is rusted, burners are rusted, the hoses are ruptured, glass is cracked, and the wheels are broken. $300 or best offer." {puts letter in trashcan, which shakes}

Red's Poetry
''{The surrounding area is covered in snow. Red walks up, wearing a heavy parka. He opens a book and reads from it.}''

RED GREEN: "Winter Warmth" by me:


 * We all scarf down seven bowls of lodge chili.
 * Then we're off to sit in the ice-fishing hut,
 * Where it's minus-10 degrees, windchill factor minus-30.

Male Call
''{Red and Harold are seated in two chairs in an isolated, somewhat darkened area of the lodge. They each hold a letter.}''

RED GREEN: It's "Male Call"!

''{Harold picks up a large bell and rings it wildly. He laughs as Red shakes his head listlessly.}''

RED GREEN: Got a letter here from, uh, Vincent Kuhm. Uh, Vincent has drawn a picture of you and I, Harold. Boy, he sure got you right, didn't he?

HAROLD GREEN: {looking closely at letter} Yeah. Made you a little thin, though. {holds up his own letter} See, I got a letter here from Matthew Babee from Edmonton. Matthew is one of our younger viewers. And Matthew writes, {reads} "Sometimes, my siblings say that The Red Green Show is for idiots."

RED GREEN: Oh, I don't think so. Does your family watch the show, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Nope.

RED GREEN: See? {smiles}

HAROLD GREEN: All righty. {takes a second letter} There's a letter here fr– {stops abruptly, offended} Hey, wait a second! {Red waves} Here's a letter here from Karen in Au Train, Michigan. And she says, {reads} "Your show is just like what is happening here in Au Train with us and our neighbors."

RED GREEN: Well, Karen, I would suggest you move. Say, Beirut or somewhere safe.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Good advice. {looks at letter again} Oh, Uncle Red, listen to this! Listen to this! Listen to this! Sounds just like the Possum Van. {reads some more} "P.S., one person up here actually buried an old van and used it for a septic tank." Haw!

RED GREEN: Well, I'm not planning on doing that with the Possum Van, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I know, not you, but I thought maybe the guy who sold it to you did that, you know? {Red looks perplexed}

Commercial bumper
{Red is seen talking to Winston next to his sewage truck.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned. Winston Rothschild will be here to pump you out.

{Red stands in the lodge, covered in white fish guts.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And you'll want to be close by when the catfish explodes.

Red's Poetry 2
{Red is seen wearing a plaid coat as he sits out by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: "The Mating Season" by me:


 * Spring, the mating season, the courting ritual.
 * The primping and preening by the male.
 * The teasing and eventual consenting by the female.
 * The decision as to who pays for the room.

Harold's Announcements 4
''{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a clipboard.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Next– Next: {reads} "Would the owner of an '85 Le Sabre with a blue door, primer-red trunk, gray-primer fender, missing rear left fender, white hood, and a rusted roof, would you please buy a new car, for Pete's sake?" Oh, okay. {puts letter in trashcan, which shakes, startling Harold}

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, that huge dead catfish that Old Man Sedgewick reeled up onto the beach has turned into a real attraction here.

HAROLD GREEN: I cannot believe people don't have anything better to do than stand around and look at a dead fish.

RED GREEN: Just like Old Man Sedgewick looking in the mirror, Harold. You know what he's gonna do with it?

HAROLD GREEN: Feed Africa for a year?

RED GREEN: {shakes head} No, Harold, he wants to make money with the thing.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you cannot make money off a dead catfish!

RED GREEN: {to Harold, pointing} Now, Harold, that's exactly the reason your generation can't find jobs. {back to camera} What we're gonna do is, we were thinking maybe cover it up with sheet metal, make it a tourist attraction: Carl the Chrome Catfish. But that was before we got the fish oil idea.

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! Excuse me? Fish oil?

RED GREEN: Yeah, fish oil. You know, like you have cod liver oil. Why not Sedgewick's catfish gallbladder oil? It'll be a medicine.

HAROLD GREEN: {scoffs} Who's gonna prescribe it, Dr. Kevorkian? {giggles}

RED GREEN: No, Harold, we're gonna get rich here. You know, whale oil, they use that for cosmetics and perfume. Why can't there be catfish cosmetics?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, you could call it "Fish Face"! {laughs}

RED GREEN: Laugh if you want, Harold. You won't be laughing when you see our colognes in every store. {holds up a bottle of cologne}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh...

RED GREEN: Catfish perfume: it'll reel in the suckers. I tell you, Harold, that fish is a windfall.

''{Red sprays the cologne in Harold's face. Harold recoils in disgust, sputtering.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but only if you're upwind.

Visit With Winston Rothschild
''{Red walks up to Winston sucking up sewage out of a hole and into his truck with his hose. Red holds his cologne bottle from earlier.}''

RED GREEN: Since we're coming out with our new line of catfish colognes and fish fragrances, thought I'd talk to local entrepreneur, Winston Rothschild.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If your septic overflows, just call Winston with his hose.

{Red covers his mouth and nose with a cloth to avoid breathing in the horrid stench.}

RED GREEN: Uh, Winston, you've made a real successful business here, have you not?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Red, I like to think I've gone from, uh, effluence to affluence. {hose slurps as it catches something}

RED GREEN: So, uh, Winston, we're starting a new thing here. What do you think's the most important thing when you're going into business? Is it, uh, reliability of the service? The dependability? The honesty? What is it? What is the real secret to this thing?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: No, no, the secret is having a catchy, flashy name that folks can remember, eh?

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah?

WINSTON ROTSHCHILD: Yeah. I learned that from a course I once took called, uh, "The Ultimate Super Success Story – In One Easy Step To Riches, Fame, and Glory". {hose slurps again} Whoa!

RED GREEN: {recoiling} Oh!

''{Cut to later. Winston has taken his hose apart and put the pieces on the back of his truck.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I was gonna call my company Tidy Toidy, eh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had this little animated character called Mr. Tidy Toidy, and he'd be sitting there, holding a big hunk of hose in two feet of sewage, eh? But it was too, uh, well, you know, uh...

RED GREEN: Yeah...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {finally coming up with the right word} Cute. {walks off, taking one last piece of hose}

RED GREEN: {glancing toward camera, confused} Yeah, cute.

{Later, Red and Winston stoop down next to the latter's truck, putting the final piece of hose under the truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Then I was gonna call it McDrainage, eh? {becomes annoyed} But some major fast food chain threatened to sue me. {rolls eyes}

RED GREEN: Oh, sure. Oh, I see. What you're saying is, the secret to success is for us to find ourselves a catchy name.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Exactly!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Youse guys are looking for a name for perfume, right?

RED GREEN: Uh-huh.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: So it's got to be a hot name that suggests romance. I'm thinking, uh, "sin". Or, uh, "fling". Ooh! Or how about this? "Butt naked and drunk". What do you think?

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Anyway, listen, there's a whale of a stench down by the beach right now. I believe someone's in need of my services. {gets into his truck}

RED GREEN: Oh, no, no, no. That's just the big catfish Old Man Sedgewick caught. That thing's been lying out in the sun all afternoon.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Really?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {sniffs} Hey, that gives me a good idea for the name of your perfume, eh?

RED GREEN: Great.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: How about "Swoon"? {closes door}

Plot Segment 4
{Red enters the lodge, covered in fish guts and his clothes messed up, with part of his plaid shirt untucked.}

RED GREEN: {deliriously} Well, that's it for this fish, so thanks for watching. On behalf of the fish and {raises hand slowly to wave} keep your fish on the...

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red? Uncle Red? {walks up close to Red} Uncle Red, what happened to the fish in the– {suddenly recoils in surprise} Huh? Whoa! Hello! {waves something away, presumably a bad smell on Red} Whoo! There's a fish on that– Are you... What happened?

RED GREEN: Catfish. {glances toward Harold} Oh, hi, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: What? The 47-foot fish, Uncle Red. What happened?

RED GREEN: Gone.

HAROLD GREEN: Gone?

RED GREEN: Gone. {shakes head}

HAROLD GREEN: A-Are you– Are you all right?

RED GREEN: Yeah. A little dizzy from the concussion, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Con-Concussion?

RED GREEN: Bottom feeder, Harold, catfish. Moose soldering, propane. Got the tank going. Still going. Falls into the lake. Still going. Did I say it's still going?

HAROLD GREEN: Still going? Still going.

RED GREEN: And catfish comes along, and... a big catfish.

HAROLD GREEN: Forty-seven feet?

RED GREEN: Three feet.

HAROLD GREEN: Three feet.

RED GREEN: Good one. Swallows the propane, still going. Inflates, Harold, really big.

HAROLD GREEN: Forty-seven feet.

RED GREEN: All propane, Harold. Moose cutting it with a chainsaw. Spark. Boom, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Boom, boom. Yeah. Boom.

RED GREEN: Rained fish for thirty, forty minutes, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Ew.

RED GREEN: I'm fine. I kept my clothes, but Moose... The chainsaw, the overalls, the body hair... his future family, gone...

{Suddenly, the "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, that was the cry of the possum. It's meeting time, okay?

RED GREEN: {not paying attention} It was horrible, Harold. Raining fish.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, well, we'll just get you cleaned up, and then we'll go to the meeting, okay?

RED GREEN: Yeah. Boom, and then fish. Fish as far as you can see, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking into camera} Well, if my Aunt Bernice is watching, Uncle Red will be okay in a few minutes. {to audience} And, uh, for the rest of you, on behalf of myself and Uncle Red and everyone else up here at Possum Lodge, thanks for watching, and... {waves} Haw! ...keep your stick on the ice, okay?

''{Harold turns to Red and gestures him to come downstairs, but Red continues to ramble on. Finally, after much prodding, Red slowly follows his nephew toward the basement stairs. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. The men are all speaking inaudibly. Red and Harold make their way to the front of the meeting. The men are all holding their noses at the stench on Red. The one exception is Winston Rothschild, also up at the front of the meeting. Red and Harold take their places at the front of the meeting. Everyone briefly takes their hands away from their noses to cross their arms over their chests.}''

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritadi.

RED GREEN: {nasally, while holding his nose} Sit down. {everyone does so; speaks nasally while holding his nose} Oh, man! All right, we don't know what it is. But hopefully someday it'll be on its way, and we won't have to worry about it. Harold, can you explain this at all?

HAROLD GREEN: {slaps his hand down} WHOO!

{Cut to the show information, showing the phone number and website URL of www.redgreen.com.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} To find out more about Possum Lodge merchandise, call 1-800-YPOSSUM, or check out Harold's home page on the Internet at www.redgreen.com.