The Ski & Golf Project/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Ski & Golf Project

Intro
{Red stands fishing by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: We're moving towards becoming a non-violent society, and that's a good thing, especially for lawyers, 'cause now we do all our fighting in court. {the title "The Ski & Golf Project" is displayed} Lawsuits are not as immediate or cost-effective as punching your neighbor in the head, but I think it's better to lose money and have to go earn more than to spend the rest of your life with a permanently-bent face. Well, now, we've got so much maturity and non-violence that we've turned into a bunch of guys who will sue anybody about anything. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequence
''{The "The New Red Green Show" title sequence plays. Cut to Red trying to unwind some elastic string from what seems to be his underwear.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Comin' up on today's show, I'm gonna take all the elastic out of my underwear, for no reason, really.

{Cut to Red holding up a hacksaw and using it to saw something between his legs.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Then I gotta do a little bit of... Looks like I'm sawing something there.

''{Cut to Red standing near Glen in a boat on a trailer. Red holds a piece of wood between his legs and uses an old drill to try and drill a hole in it.}''

RED GREEN: Then I'll do a bit of... Actually, how to use your legs as a vice, I think, this week.

{Cut to Red ducking down behind Bill, who is using a very long golf club to swing at a golf ball.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Bill's going for a long drive.

Segue: Dalton Humphrey
{Dalton sits inside his store.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You are watching The Red Green Show! {laughing} People will buy anything, won't they?

Buddy System
{Red and Winston run down into the Lodge basement and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, there are certain things that the woman in your life is gonna ask you, and you're not gonna have time to think of an answer.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And the worst one of these is, "Am I fat?"

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Now, for sure, you're not gonna say "Yes", eh, unless you got a death wish, eh? {Red nods} But you even gotta say "No" the right way, or this conversation's going into triple overtime!

RED GREEN: Just say no right away! Just no! Don't think about it, don't pause, just say no! Don't say, "Well... no, not really."

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: But you know something? You dare shouldn't go too far the other way, neither, eh? Like, for instance, you can't go: {scoffs} "Why, you, fat?! Tell me another one! Get serious! What, are you outta your mind? Oh, sure, all your friends are fat, and both your sisters. And your mom. But you?! You're like an underfed chicken, eh? It's scary how skinny you are!" As the great William Shakespeare once said, "Methinks the lady doth process too much." {Red stares} What?

RED GREEN: Just say no, and then– and then right away, invite her out for dinner, huh? That way, you're gonna look like a hero, and she's obviously thinking about her waist; she's probably not even gonna take you up on it!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's a win-win!

RED GREEN: Yeah! {leans in close to Winston; softly} Am I fat?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, yeah.