The Girlfriend/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Now, here's the majordomo

of life in slo-mo,

your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

thank you.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

Things are out of whack

at my place this week.

One of bernice's relatives

is staying with us.

Bernice's sister's daughter.

She's 16 years old.

Hello? Hi? What?

Sixteen?

Like, a female type person?

You met her, harold,

at the church picnic.

She had the taco on her face --

with teenagers,

it's hard to tell.

I don't

remember her.

What's her name?

Um...

Alice, or... Alysha...

We just call her "horse".

Her?

Oh, I remember her.

She still wearing that bit?

I mean braces.

Yeah, she's

gonna

have them

awhile.

It will take a while

to corral those teeth.

She's got a smile

like stonehenge.

Say hello for me.

No, no, no, harold,

you say hello yourself.

No way!

Come on.

Aunt bernice says

you have a lot in common.

I don't even find her

attractive.

There's one thing right there.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

I introduced harold

to my wife's sister's daughter.

He didn't say two words.

Never seen him that quiet,

which meant he had to rely

on his looks.

(audience laughing)

try to imagine how that went.

Mind you, horse isn't so easy

on the eyes, herself.

(singing)

(audience laughing)

(giggling)

you ok,

harold?

Yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah!

Sorry you two

didn't hit it off.

Alysha

asked about me?

Did she say she likes

strong, silent types?

Did she say that?

I'm just saying, don't worry

that you two didn't talk.

Maybe she didn't want

to fill the air

with meaningless chatter.

Yeah... I don't want you

to take it personally.

She probably had broccoli

wedged into her braces.

No, no, no,

we did not have to speak,

for our eyes said it all.

(audience laughing)

that would be

quite a conversation.

They each have four of 'em.

Now... Now...

Are you saying

you actually liked her?

I'm gonna marry her!

For gosh sakes,

she's only 16 years old!

Well, we'll go

to mississippi.

No, come on, harold.

She's your cousin, all right?

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Make that alabama.

(laughing)

(red): Later on, bill's

gonna be trying his hand

at a little tarzan action.

You know, swinging

from tree to tree.

Right now,

he's gonna do a dry run.

Gonna swing from that ladder

to the other ladder.

Gonna swing...

Swing with the rope.

He's gonna throw

the rope up -- ow!

Throw the rope up,

try to get the top branch --

not bad!

That will pull him...

I guess it's strong... Ok.

Up he goes and then

he's gonna shorten the rope

and swing across.

I'm not sure that tree

is as strong

as it needs to be to hold

someone of bill's, uh...

How can I put this delicately?

Flab?

You know, with bill,

sometimes he doesn't focus

on what's important,

like, say, his balance.

He pulls the tree down,

hits the ladder-- ohhh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! And...

There's the tree.

Yeah, mm-hmm, yeah.

Bit of a dry run.

A few wrinkles in it, bill.

And I seem to have picked up

a bird's nest.

Now he's wanting me

to egg him on

but I say, "hey, bill,

the yolk's on you."

♪ oh, don't go

in the bushes ♪

♪ that's my warning to you ♪

♪ there are better places

than shrubs ♪

♪ to do what you wanna do ♪

♪ oh, don't go

in the bushes ♪

♪ that's not

the place to be ♪

♪ and if you get bitten

and badly stung ♪

♪ don't name it after me ♪

(laughing)

welcome to the possum lodge

word game!

Tonight's prize is two days

with a hooker,

from edna's house of rugs!

(audience laughing)

uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mike hamar

to say this word.

Criminal.

Criminal.

And go, eh?

Mike, someone

who breaks the law.

Cousin larry.

Bank robber.

Uncle edgar.

Car thief.

Auntie thelma.

I'm talking about

the general term

for law-breakers.

Ohhh! Family.

Ok, ok.

Someone goes to jail,

they are...

... Railroaded.

But they are...

Victims.

Innocent victims!

Let's say you're arrested.

I didn't

do it.

No, no, no,

the cops would call you...

Mike.

They all know me, right?

Almost out of time.

How would you describe

the cost

of bail?

Oh, criminal!

(laughing and applause)

this week on "handyman corner",

we're gonna do a project

that combines

two of my favourite

recreational activities --

sitting down and eating.

The other day, I was watching

t.V., which placed third

in my sitting-down-and-eating

sweepstakes.

Anyway, that doesn't matter.

I got hungry and I'm thinking,

"we got a kitchen

and in it is a fridge.

"that fridge is on wheels."

I'm thinking, "boy,

why can't I get that fridge

"to kinda roll towards me?"

moose thompson can do it

just by waiting,

'cause he tends to be

the low point in any room...

As he is in any conversation.

For me, I need

a mechanical advantage.

I'm thinking, "why not use

the one thing

"that has always put food

on my table?"

fishing, huh?

Deep-sea fishing.

First thing I gotta do is

anchor this thing

onto the chair somewhere.

I'm thinking right about...

... Right about there,

all right?

Now, to do that...

If you're made of money,

you could get

a proper deep-sea

fishing mount things

and put that on there,

or you could use one of these

wall-flange mounting units,

but that's gonna catch

in the cuff of your pants

and spoil the look

of the chair.

So, instead...

Keep it simple.

Oh...

Here we go, here we go.

You can mount the fishing rod

in the chair,

using some kind of clamp

or shackle.

You could weld that in there.

I prefer the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

I feel a snack comin' on!

You don't want to use big hooks

inside the home.

Even inside the lodge,

it's a bit iffy.

I'd recommend you go

with this type of lure.

They're left over

from that time

I tried to make

the human fly outfit

when I wanted to climb

the outside of the lodge.

All right, let's see

if the fridge are biting.

(thumping)

oh, that sounded good.

Oh, yeah, think we got one.

You gotta play these in

just right.

It's an appliance

you're dealing with.

If they want to run,

let them run!

Get 'er in here.

By golly, she's a hummer!

Oh, my god!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I guess aim is important, too.

Ok, so, don't forget,

catch and release.

(audience laughing)

here we go!

Oh, boy!

(grunting)

(grunting)

ahhhh!

There we go.

It's just that easy,

just that darn easy.

Get us a drink... Ahhh...

Never had to... Never had to

leave my chair.

I think this project

is really gonna catch on.

(thumping)

stinky peterson

wants his reclining chair back.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

If you got another lure,

we can hitch in to town!

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

Want to talk

to you middle-aged guys

who are maybe contemplating

signing up for baseball.

If you're one of these guys

who thinks

they can pick up a bat

after 25 years

of basic stillness,

and then slam a high fastball

over the third baseman's head,

stretching a double

into a triple,

well, think again.

(audience laughing)

don't be surprised if a hit

and making it to first base

happen in two different

at-bats...

Maybe even

in two different games.

You'll be lucky to stretch

a triple into a single,

and more likely, you'll stretch

your hamstring into a hospital.

The only thing in your favour

is that there's a guy out there

who looks like you,

the same weight and age,

he has to run, bend over,

pick up the ball,

and then throw it in.

He probably shouldn't

be playing, either.

It might be time to give it up.

Once you hit 40, think about

hanging up the cleats.

Just because you're on a slide

doesn't mean you should be

playing baseball.

You're not on deck.

You're not even

in the damn boat!

(audience laughing)

sit in the stands.

Watch your friends play.

You'll have a better view,

fresher hot dogs,

and you can drive them to

the hospital between innings.

Remember, I'm pulling for ya.

We're all in this together.

(applause)

well, horse -- sorry --

alysha is still staying

with bernice and I.

It's difficult getting used to

two women around the house.

Go in the bathroom,

you've got them waffle irons

for your hair.

When we watch t.V.

I'm only allowed to flick

between four channels.

That's all I get.

Uncle red, uncle red,

is this too much?!

No, it's not enough.

I can still see your face.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

It's not for me.

It's for alysha.

You know

why?

No.

No reason.

It's my way of saying,

"here's some flowers."

you'd better slow down.

You can spend time and money

and this might not be

going anywhere.

She might be allergic.

Don't worry.

I made sure that my deposit on

the wedding ring is refundable.

Oh, man, harold, harold, whoa.

Before you get engaged,

maybe you might want to

go out with her one time.

You want to find out

if you like her?

Take her to something

you don't want to go,

an opera or ballet

or anything with mimes.

Oh, I

hate mimes.

If you have a good time,

you'll know

she's the woman for you.

You're saying,

when men and women date,

you only go places

that she enjoys.

Yup --

just till you're married.

(audience laughing)

then you don't go anywhere.

Uh, my name is dalton humphrey,

and I'm a man.

(all): Hi, dalton.

Hello, men.

It's been less than 24 hours

since I acted like a guy.

It happened like this.

I was, um,

well, the dishwasher

needed a little repairing.

You know how the food trap

will need cleaning out.

All I really needed

was a phillips screwdriver,

but I went to the basement

and I got my

big, big, big tool-box.

Oh boy.

And in full view of my family...

I pulled out

every tool I had.

Every one.

I had them on the counter,

the floor, all over the place.

And I'll be honest with you,

men, I had so many tools out,

I couldn't even work.

And then I looked--

I looked up...

Into the faces of my family,

my wife and my daughter

standing there,

and I will never forget

that look in my life.

I was--

get your hands off me, harold.

I was so ashamed...

To be seen there

squattin' amongst my tools.

I guess I must have come to

my senses at some point.

I said to my wife,

"honey...

"I've got way

too many tools out here.

"I only really needed

a phillips screwdriver."

then I put all my tools...

Back in the box.

All right!

Yeah!

(sobbing)

well, I guess we learned

you only carry the tools

that you need,

and only buy the tools

that you can use.

No, what we learned is

you don't try fixin' stuff

when your family

is watching ya.

(applause)

all right, it's

"adventures with bill".

That's tarzan bill there.

That's a loin cloth,

but he's got a lot to loin.

Oh, that's very tasteful.

Thank you.

Look,

there's another rope there.

Anyway, he's gonna

swing off the top of the van.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, shakey start,

but there he goes.

Grab the other rope.

Uh-oh.

Oh, for gosh sakes.

All right, uh...

I'm thinkin' that may not be

what he had planned.

My mistake.

Way you go --

grab that rope.

He grabbed it higher

so he could get...

He's cleared the van.

You're way up there.

Come on down.

Oh boy.

Hot on the hands, bill?

Oh, that would burn

the callouses off.

You all right?

I got a fan in the truck.

There you go.

That feel better?

Hey, temper, temper!

That's my fan!

Right over a tree.

All right,

so practise makes pain.

We got three ropes.

That's the extension cord.

That's the extension cord

from the fan.

Grab that -- oh, nice.

That's the extension cord!

Bill, that's the--

oh, oh, oh!

Here comes one of your fans,

bill.

Oh boy.

Here's a quilt of possum lodge

made by a nice woman

from wyoming.

All these years having

harold around convinced me

that I don't regret

not having a son.

Alysha has only been with us

a week,

and I already feel that way

about not having a daughter.

Bernice has me

on my best behaviour.

Got to wear pants at breakfast,

cutting food with a knife

rather than my thumb nail.

Oh, yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Who de man? -- I'm de man.

You de man?

You can't be de man

'cause I'm de man!

I'm smokin'!

Ow!

Ha ha ha!

Hoo hoo ha... Ha.

Got yourself a date,

do you, harold?

Yes, I does!

I took your advice,

except I was cool.

I said "the possum lake players

"are doing

a dinner theatre."

that's where you get

a show and food.

Last week they did

"rigoletto" and rigatoni.

That's a good show right there.

So, this week they're doing

"carmen" and crab.

I thought "that's great."

I said "since I hate opera,

do you wanna go?"

she went "uh-huh."

(giggling)

well, gosh, you know,

if you can sit through that,

there may be

a twinge of love in the midst

of this pathetic desperation.

But there is a bit of

a wrinkle in the plan though.

She's not allowed to go on

unchaperoned dates.

Aunt bernice said that

you and her would be happy

to join us.

Forget it.

No way, no.

Bernice dragged me to

one of them things.

It was "the sound of music"

with baked beans.

(audience laughing)

yeah, I heard that.

It was all over town.

But it's too late.

I got four tickets

right up front.

You know the best part?

Aunt bernice paid for them.

Ahhh, geez!

Welcome to "autobiography"

where members of possum lodge

have remembrances

of cars gone by.

Got arnie dogan here.

Arnie, tell us about

the first car you ever had.

A volvo, '74.

Very safe.

Built like a tank.

Excellent for

the roofin' business.

You could get 10 cases

of shingles in the trunk.

I got a case of shingles

in a hot tub once.

Boy, a volvo, arnie.

I would have thought

you'd have something sportier.

When you're fallin'

off a roof three times a day,

you're not looking for

excitement.

No, no.

What would it be like, arnie,

a teenager in a volvo?

I'm thinkin' dates.

Oh, a lot of dates.

No kiddin', huh?

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they'd carry my crutches

and change my bandages.

On a clear night, we'd cruise

right on up to rock reef point

and just gaze out

over those roof-tops

tryin' to spot where

dad and I left the ladder.

So you never married then,

huh, mr. Dogan.

No, not yet, harold.

I'm married to my work.

Just a crusty roofer

in a beat-up volvo.

More like a beat-up roofer

in a rusty volvo.

Yeah, yeah.

You know I wrote a country song

about that car.

Would you like to hear it?

We're a little

short of...

Tolerance.

Gimme that, harold.

You brought

the guitar.

Good move,

harold.

I was hiding the guitar.

This is a special one.

Here we go.

♪ she was made of steel

and naugahyde ♪

♪ with five wheels

countin' the spare ♪

♪ you never knew

where you were goin' ♪

♪ you were pretty sure ♪

♪ you'd be able to

thumb a ride back ♪

♪ I remember the night

of the accident ♪

♪ nothin' was left

but the radio aerial ♪

♪ the doctors

couldn't remove it ♪

♪ so now I walk

with a limp ♪

♪ but I get

over 200 stations ♪

(audience laughing)

(applause)

well, I'm sorry,

but that is too much to ask

of any human being.

The most embarrassing night

of my life.

"carmen" is a famous opera.

It was stupid of you to go

"which one's the karmann ghia?"

it was a joke, for gosh sake.

Opera viewers,

they're such uptight people.

The women with

the zirconium hanging off them,

the guys in the sports jackets,

all to watch

a bunch of fat guys overact.

Hey, hey, hey, easy there.

It sounds a bit like our show.

(audience laughing)

I'm telling you,

that whole evening

was a total disaster.

Not for me -- especially

after you got thrown out.

Why were you singing

"the toreador song"?

They had the words all wrong.

They left out the "don't spit

on the floorie" part.

How did the date turn out

with horse?

Still

in love?

Don't call her horse!

I won't tolerate

your insolence any more.

Don't even do it.

All right, harold.

I wasn't really insulting her

by calling her horse.

I just meant, uh...

She's a stable girl.

(audience laughing)

I really like her.

But we've decided

we're gonna wait,

see what we feel like

in a few years.

Well, that's great.

You kiss her good night?

Ha, ha.

Gentlemen don't tell.

So no.

Not even close.

I think she wasn't sure

if her insurance for her braces

covered lip punctures.

So...

But I'm hopeful --

it's like they say in opera.

"it's not over till the fat guy

in the plaid shirt

"gets thrown out by the ushers."

(squealing)

I'll be down in a minute.

If my wife is watching,

now that we've had

our night at the opera

I was hoping we could have

our day at the races.

Thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(harold): Ok, he's here.

Sit down.

Ok, stand up.

(red): All right.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(harold): The people who

organize the strawberry social

want to change

the order of events this year.

They'd like to have the dance

and then the street brawl.

So, something to think about.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!