The Sudsy Lake/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold:

It's time to head north,

up to the unspoiled woodlands

and unpolluted air

of places like this,

where people don't seem

to want to go.

But we're up here

on your behalf,

beaming back an action-packed,

fun-filled show

for you to appreciate --

even though the ratings

suggest otherwise.

And here's the probable cause

for all that,

the star of "the red green show"

and a close personal uncle

of mine,

ladies and gentlemen,

mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you,

and welcome to possum lodge.

I don't want to take

all the credit for the show.

Harold's got to share the blame

for at least his part.

Oh,

I guess you're talking

about my state-of-the-art

visual effects.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

Nothing like a little break

from content, I always say.

Actually,

we've had a little problem

up at the lodge this week.

You know, we like to think

of this as virgin territory.

Nothing personal, harold.

But, you know,

sometimes civilization

kind of encroaches here

and messes things up,

and we got to do some cleanup.

For example, we might have to

replant some trees

that we've driven over

or replace the topsoil

in the den.

Or sometimes on a Saturday,

we'll just shovel the empties

off the beach.

Yeah, remember that time

we had the big oil spill?

Yeah, well, that's why

we make stinky peterson

wear a bathing cap now.

Right.

Yeah, we have had

some environmental problems

in the past.

We used to get a lot

of gas leaks up here,

and then we realized

that the propane tanks

are left-hand thread.

After that, we could actually

tighten the coupling

rather than just wrap it

in the duct tape there.

Of course,

once we started doing that,

the campfires got

a lot more controllable

and managed to bring

the forest fire level down

a peg or two.

Pretty soon,

the geese and the loons

started coming back and nesting

on the lake again.

Then we could go out hunting.

So, what's the big emergency

this week, uncle re-e-ed?

We're getting a lot of buildup

of foam on possum lake.

Little bit of foam

is of no consequence.

Yeah, okay. I agree, but this is

real thick foam, harold.

You can't see the lake.

You can't see the dock.

You can't see the canoes.

I was out there this morning

in a motorboat,

and, boy, is it ever tough

whipping around

when you can't see the dock

or other boats or rafts

or the shore or barbecues

or people sunbathing

on the beach.

I thought

I heard screaming.

Yeah, well, anyway, we either

have a pollution problem here,

or possum lake is rabid.

Anyway, better get on

with the show there, harold.

Oh, yeah, right.

What are you guys

doing inside?

[ scoffs ] how can you justify

being in a lodge

on such a beautiful day?

Well, it's a glorious day

for a game of golf.

There's no snow.

There's no lightning.

I'd be up for another 18

if anybody's interested, huh?

Aren't you supposed to be

working today, bob?

I'm working, eddie.

In fact, I'm -- I'm in here

on ministry business.

Do you have any idea

what this is?

Well, it's too clean

to be a cookie.

Exactly.

I was on the 12th hole,

and I duck-hooked a 3-wood

into possum lake.

Of course,

it was on purpose.

It was a joke thing.

Well, you got it.

You got it.

So, naturally I didn't count

the stroke, but...

But I reached in

and I fished this out.

I looked at it

very closely,

and I noticed how clean

this ball really is.

So I looked at the end

of possum lake,

and I saw that it was covered

in foam.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's probably just

the whitecaps from the waves.

You know,

sometimes it gets like that,

you know, the whitecaps,

and they wave like that.

That could happen.

No, this stuff is 6 feet deep,

pink,

and smells like old fat.

Probably foam from some form

of low-grade detergent

or something like that.

You wouldn't know anything

about that, would you, eddie?

What kind of cheap shot

is that, bob?

Are you saying my food

makes toxic suds,

or are you gonna

make a joke

about me washing my hair

in the lake?

[ laughs ]

that's a good joke

you were thinking of.

[ laughs ]

you know, some people

might laugh at that,

you know, because humor is such

a subjective thing, isn't it?

You know, the way it...

[ laughs ]

I'm gonna go, uh, read

about the subjective humor

element of it all.

[ laughs ]

listen, eddie...

If I find out that sticky froth

on possum lake

is coming

from your kitchen,

well, I'm just

gonna have to inspect it

on behalf

of the department.

Now, that's my job.

You know, bob,

there's been something

I've wanted to tell you

for a long time.

Oh, yeah?

You're a crappy golfer!

That's it.

I'm gonna report you

to the ministry!

And if I don't get you on the --

on the suds thing,

I'm gonna get you

on your meat loaf!

There's nothing wrong

with my meat loaf!

Oh, come on, now, eddie.

Don't say things you don't mean.

Good thing it's tee-off time

right now.

I'd report you right now!

Why does he do that

to me?

He knows I hate

confrontation.

I'm an artist.

I wear my heart on my sleeve!

A-are you enjoying

the cookies?

Uh, no.

I have an eating disorder.

And, you know,

these could cure it.

[ door rattles ]

you want to get that, bill?

That would be noel.

[ rattling continues ]

[ hammer pounding ]

[ saw cutting ]

you don't ask

for a password?

You let just anybody

in here?

Well, I-I heard somebody

having trouble opening

an unlocked door.

I was pretty sure

it'd be you.

That matters not,

mister.

Poor security

is what you've got here.

Now, I'm sorry I had to come

down on you like that,

but that's

my responsibility.

Which reminds me,

I've got a report.

I just completed

an exhaustive surveillance

of the lake and surrounds,

and I'm happy to report

everything is code normal.

Well, what about the 6 feet

of foam down at the south end?

I missed that.

Guess that calls for a redo.

[ sniffs ]

starship entry 116-e.

Area surveillance

incomplete.

Reconnoiter a.S.A.P.

Don't you worry, red.

I'll find it, I.D. It,

finger the source.

Well, be sure to wash your hands

before supper, huh?

[ coughs ]

water!

You want to take some cookies

with you?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Wouldn't want

to go out there unarmed.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ up at the lodge ♪

♪ where the men

like to play ♪

♪ there's noogies and wedgies

at all times of day ♪

♪ booby traps, cow flaps,

short-sheeted beds ♪

♪ beds ♪

♪ but don't play

"outrun the bullet" ♪

♪ unless you're

a professional ♪

this week

on the "handyman corner,"

uh, we're gonna show you how to

turn a negative into a positive,

and I don't just mean

hiring him

as a producer/director.

I'm talking

about the frustrations

of what happens

when your lawn mower

meets your garden hose.

Uh, we've all experienced this,

some of us more than others.

You know,

I've never been involved

with any high-level

management meetings.

But if I'd have been there

when they were designing

the garden hose

and realizing it was gonna lie

on the lawn

and there was gonna be

a lawn mower going by,

I'm not sure

I would've picked green,

you know, as the ideal color.

But hey, I'm just a consumer,

and that carries

its own responsibilities.

But rather than just throw

all these little hoselets

into the lake or what have you,

I'm gonna show you today

how you can create

some interesting alternatives

of using these things.

The first one, for example,

is a little bit obvious.

But, uh, this would be

your high-volume,

long-range drinking straw

for those unfortunate times

when you're at a party

or what have you

and for whatever reason you just

can't pick up your beverage --

or you can't afford another one

but he's got one --

that kind of thing.

You know, something else --

sound travels in straight lines.

People don't know that.

It won't go around corners,

so you can't hear what they're

saying about you down the hall.

You have an ear trumpet

like this

with a flexible hose on it

like this.

You stand here,

you put this end to your ear,

and you put the other end...

[ water spurts ]

[ clears throat ]

well, sound travels underwater

real good, too,

so that's another bonus.

You ever notice

when you pick up a paint can,

the handle can just, uh,

rip right through your skin

and just take the bone right off

there if you're not careful.

You take a little piece

of your hose,

and you slit it up lengthwise.

You put that through the handle,

and, uh, look at that.

Just goes on there.

No problem.

And you pick it up.

Yeah. Oh. Oh.

Well, of course, the first thing

that you can do

you know,

with your hose couplings

is you can actually re-create

the whole hose

just by putting the pieces

together.

Except it'll be

about 3 feet shorter

'cause you got to cut up

one of the pieces for washers.

And another thing you can do,

which I think

is darn attractive,

is your own personal bike lock.

You would probably want to have

a bike worth locking,

for starters.

So wrap this around here.

Now, you would tighten that up

real good.

Use vise grips or a wrench

or a pipe wrench --

whatever you have -- on there,

because nobody can steal

your bike that way

unless they have pliers.

And criminals just don't

think ahead like that.

But I think the best application

of this

is what I'm wearing right here.

You see this? You catching this?

Are you getting this on camera?

These are suspenders.

They go down through

my belt loops and up and over

with the couplings attached

and everything.

And the beauty of these

is in the winter,

you can fill them with some sort

of a hearty soup,

you know, to keep you warm.

I would suggest

a cream of mushroom

or possibly even a beef barley

or soup du jour,

if you just want to fly

by the seat of your pants.

But I think these are dandy.

And, you know, I'm even thinking

of patenting these.

I'm gonna call them

"panty hose."

anyway,

until the next time, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ water spraying ]

oh, got a leak here.

[ wind howling ]

"it is winter.

"animals lie in a deep sleep,

"hidden away from air

and light

in a place called the senate."

so, anyway,

bob has been accusing eddie

of polluting the lake

with his cooking.

And eddie doesn't take

criticism well,

even with all the practice

he's had.

Uncle red, excuse me,

but noel asked me to tell you

to drop by his place, okay?

So I told you, so there.

What does he want,

harold?

Power, I think.

You mean now.

I'm sorry.

I have -- I have no idea.

Well,

that would've been my guess.

Funny what people choose to be

defensive about, isn't it?

I mean, eddie with his cooking

and moose with his weight

and bob with his golfing.

And you, harold,

you with your complexion

and your teeth

and your eyesight

and the way you walk

and the way you talk

and your hair

and your school marks.

Okay, uncle red,

thanks very much. Thank you.

I was wondering,

you know, uh,

did bob ever find out

what those pink bubbles were?

You know, he works for the

ministry of the environment.

I think pink bubbles

would pretty much

fall into government

jurisdiction, wouldn't it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it does.

Actually, what he did was

he sent bill out in a canoe

right into the foam,

and bill just disappeared.

Never seen from since.

So then bob teed up

some balls

and started just driving

golf balls into the foam.

I think he was testing

the texture

or the cohesiveness

or something.

Hasn't learned anything,

but he has located

bill's head twice.

Oh, well,

that's important, too.

Okay, well, we should get

on with the show, actually, now.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

I'll just go see what noel's

got on his mind.

Shouldn't take long.

Wa-a-a! Okay.

Now, I'm this close

to a discovery,

a breakthrough

on the frothy foam case.

You mean the suds

on the lake?

Shh!

You have almost no muscle tone

at all.

J-e-l-l-o.

I don't know

where you find the energy

to pull your pants up.

Well, the suspenders help.

Feel that.

Oh, I don't want to feel.

Give it a feel.

I don't want to.

Come on.

Granite?

Yeah. Congratulations.

Can I kick

your tires now?

I can bench-press

250 pounds.

Three sets of 12.

Boom! Boom! Boom!

Is that something you do

for work,

or is that,

like, a party piece?

It's something I do

for life.

Oh.

I'm tough, red --

physically, mentally.

Kind of like chuck norris.

That guy

on "love connection"?

I pity you, red.

One of these days,

you're gonna wake up dead,

and you won't know what hit you.

That's why I got to solve

the sudsy lake case,

and I am this close

to discovering the perps.

[ sniffs ]

the perps?

Tech talk.

Okay.

I observed some...

Suspicious activity.

Yeah?

Some around the large cedar

prefab cottage

down on the far end

of possum lake.

Oh, yeah.

That is

a beautiful cottage.

Nice cottage.

Oh, center hall plan,

three oversized bedrooms.

And that living room, you could

play handball in it, anyway.

Yeah.

On the evening prior

to the mysterious appearance

of that diaphanous

detergent residue --

what?

That crap on the lake.

Oh, yeah.

I was engaged in some

security surveillance

on the main road.

I was in the ditch.

Oh, yeah.

I observed a truck approaching

said cottage at 1:15, 3:27,

and then later on.

Yeah.

I-I can't really be exact

on that time

because at 3:27, the truck

ran over my, uh, watch.

Oh.

Yeah.

I can tell you that the vehicle

had studded tires.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, sure.

With that tire tread,

I can run a trace on those.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, so what?

With the appearance of the foam

the very next day,

I think we can come

to the conclusion

that those people

are responsible

for releasing illegal and

toxic chemicals into the lake.

Or they're running some sort

of carpet cleaning business.

I'm not sure --

we're still at the theory stage.

Yeah. Uh, all right.

Well, I'll tell you what, noel.

Why don't you go up there

and check that out,

because that way you won't be

here, talking to me,

and you might be able to get

an imprint of their front grille

maybe on your forehead.

I knew you'd back me up

on this.

I'm gonna head

up there now.

Okay.

Listen, uh, red,

why don't you jog or something?

Well, maybe after lunch, eh?

I'll see you later.

10-4.

Yeah.

Oh, and, red?

Yeah?

I probably wouldn't tell anybody

about this.

Oh, don't worry.

[ siren wailing ]

I hate this.

[ film projector clicking ]

red:

It's hockey night in canada.

Bill and I went down

to possum arena,

took a bucketful of pucks.

And bill got his skates

on there.

He's got kind of weak ankles,

which actually extend right up

to the top of his tuque.

And we're gonna do a little bit

of hockey practice.

Bill's, uh, stuck.

Looks like bill spent most

of his career on the bench.

Or under the bench.

Bill's basically a goaltender,

so, uh, he is gonna get

in net there --

literally in net.

Oh, hang on.

Hang on.

He's all right.

But he's got all the padding.

He's got the stick

and he's got the gloves.

I've never seen anybody

put on padding before,

but this didn't strike me --

and then he had to balance

on his skates,

and I thought,

"why don't we put him on the ice

and just kind of kneel

into them," you know?

But, uh, when you're trying to

think of a system that'll work,

uh, it's tough to do with bill.

But eventually he got everything

on there,

and I went out around

the blue line

and had all the pucks

and sort of spread them out,

uh, put them in line.

And the idea is I'm gonna start

firing shots at him.

I can really whip that --

oh, oh, oh!

Nice save.

Then he got himself regrouped,

and now I'm gonna mix up

the shots --

a slapper and a wrist shot

and then an overhand slider

and, you know, a kind of

sideways, submarine curve shot.

And by golly, I just started

getting lucky there.

I'm catching the top corner

and putting a few

into the 5 hole --

or I think

it's 4.8, metric, hole.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, bill.

So bill said,

"hold everything," he says.

He wants to try

a different approach.

And he really -- he felt the

padding was holding him back.

So this is very strange.

He starts taking

all the padding off,

just throwing her down

on the ice there.

And I didn't know how far

he was gonna go with this --

you know, going down to the bare

skiff on the ice or whatever.

But no, he just got rid

of all the padding

and figured he'd be more mobile.

And, of course,

now I'm motivated

to really rip the puck in there.

That's fun, that's fun.

For me, that's fun.

I call that fun.

Call me crazy.

And I rip her in there,

and here we go.

Nice save. Boy.

This guy, he's right.

Oh, oh, oh -- yes!

I don't think

that was going in anyway, but...

Oh, man!

Bill's got great --

look at this, look at this.

And...Got it! Wow!

Bill has really got some --

look, look, look.

Oh!

Gosh, what a ballet save.

Beautiful work, bill, beautiful.

Well, I don't know.

I think this possum lake

foam thing

is just part

of a natural cycle --

freezing, thawing, rising,

falling,

scumming over with pink foam.

I remember one time we had

thousands of splinters of wood,

naugahyde, and plastic

out there.

That turned out to be nothing.

You mean when the old marina

blew up?

That wasn't nothing.

Well, no, I meant nothing

that had any environmental

side effects.

Nobody cares

what you blow up

as long as it doesn't release

any chemicals.

We've dumped a lot worse

into possum lake over the years,

including each other.

If people could see the bottom,

they wouldn't be concerned

about a little bit of pink foam

on the top, I'll tell you that.

There's a hundred years

of garbage down there,

plus four stoves,

a combination washer/dryer,

a dozen old boats,

nine car batteries,

plus the cars they come out of,

and a full set

of patio furniture,

including mosquito coils.

Boy, uncle red,

you have an amazing memory

for stuff like that.

Well, it's been

a memorable summer, harold.

[ screeching ]

oh, that's the call

of the meeting!

Come on, uncle red.

Let's go.

Maybe bob and noel

have some answers for us.

Well, that would be

worth seeing.

Anyway, this should go

pretty quickly.

We don't spend a lot of time

on environmental issues...

Which you probably

already guessed.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

stinky, get a chair.

Hurry up.

All right. Put the pens away.

Get a chair.

Okay, all rise!

Get up, get up!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

[ clears throat ]

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eddie wants me

to tell you

that he's got a tray of cookies

here if anybody's hungry.

[ all murmuring ]

not just now.

Thank you very much.

Uh, the floor recognizes

bob stuyvesant.

Thank you, red.

Well, I ran a battery of tests

on the lake water,

and I think I've been able

to pinpoint

the source

of the pink foam.

[ cheering ]

thank you.

My goodness.

Look at that.

Oh, look -- I was only

6 over par on that one hole.

How about the foam, bob?

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, the foam --

the foam is 260 parts

per million of pine scrub.

It's a common

dish detergent.

Well, I guess

that lets me off the hook.

I don't use

liquid detergent.

Well, it's not liquid.

It's a fine powder.

It's used for dishwashers.

Looks a lot like flour.

And what are you insinuating --

that -- that I'm using --

that I'm using detergent

instead of flour?

Is that it?!

Oh, get real!

Look at bill.

I mean, come on, eddie.

It's obvious you're using

detergent in your baking.

No wonder the cake pans

were so easy to clean.

[ laughs ]

I-I'll tell you

whose fault it is!

It's murray's fault and those

damn bulk food containers!

I mean, who'd have thought the

labeling would be right on it,

for heaven's sake?

Well, don't worry.

The department of natural

resources is on the job.

I've ordered a water bomber

to drop a load of acid

on the lake.

It should neutralize the ph

and melt the foam down.

All right.

That's real good.

Thank you.

Hey, noel,

a little bit late, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, red.

I got -- I got some great news,

everybody.

[ chuckles ]

I called, uh, the producers

of "60 minutes,"

see if they wanted

to investigate

that mystery cottage

up at the far end of the lake.

You know, the a-frame

with the wind chime.

Well, they weren't too keen

on that idea,

but they got real excited

about that pink foam.

They're coming up here

to do a big story

on pink possum pond!

[ cheering ]

they're gonna treat

it like some sort of

miracle or something.

Whoa!

Anyway, we're gonna have

tourists by the millions.

We're all gonna be rich!

[ cheering ]

hold on, hold on,

hold on.

You got to back me

on one thing, though.

I might've led them

to believe that, uh,

well, the pink foam cures

sick people and bald people.

Eddie, you're gonna have to stay

out of sight on this one.

Anyway, they bought it, and, uh,

we're all gonna be rich!

[ cheering ]

[ airplane approaching ]

good idea I had.

I can just see it.

Yeah, we can probably -- what?

What?

Never mind, noel.

I'll explain it to you later.

Thank you very much, bob.

Excellent work, as usual.

And how about we reward bob

by having him entertain us

this evening?

[ groaning ]

here's bob.

Do whatever you want to him.

[ cheering ]

thank you, red.

[ clears throat ]

well, I just want to talk

to you about golf,

you know,

just for a change.

Well, there you go.

You learn something every day,

don't you?

Granted,

it's usually the same thing

that you learned the day before

and the day before that.

But if repetition wasn't a good

thing, who'd get married?

Speaking of which,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And if the bedroom light is on,

I'll take that to mean that

you're environmentally friendly.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

well,

then there's your 3-iron.

Oh, boy, I'll tell you.

She's a whimsy.

Oh, yeah.

What a character.

Uh, quick, sassy.

Always lively, though.

Oh, and then your 5.

This is the dark club

of the bag.

Really moody,

unpredictable.

Sometimes she's there

for you,

and sometimes

she just pouts.

I can tell you something,

though.

If you find a 5-iron

that stands by you,

take good care of her.

Well, now you've got

your drivers --

you know, your woods.

That's what you play most

of the time, isn't it?

[ clears throat ]