Water Tower/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold:

And now it's time for the man

who is known to millions

as my uncle,

the rustic star

of "the red green show" --

oh! There's a big hit there,

that one --

and a heck of a human being,

considering all he's been

through in his life,

with the car accidents.

Anyway, he's -- ladies

and gentlemen, boys and girls,

old people and siamese twins --

I think I pretty much

got everybody there --

please welcome red green!

Thank you very much, harold,

and, uh, thank you

for tuning us in.

We've got a heck of a show

for you this week.

Uh, well, actually,

it's probably within 5% or 10%

of last week's show,

but we certainly appreciate

your patience.

We, uh, got a heck of a set,

too, up at the lodge this week.

You gonna interrupt me?

Sorry.

Sorry, uncle red?

I was ju-- I was just making

mental crossword puzzles.

W-what's a three-letter word

for shoehorn?

H-he usually interrupts me.

Okay, anyhow, uh, the water pump

broke down at the lodge,

and none of us wanted to go

under the lodge and fix it,

so stinky peterson

got the idea we should --

we should build a water tower,

you know, and not just

a water tower on the roof,

but maybe up into the trees,

on the ridge,

so we can, you know,

really get a lot of, uh,

a lot of power and juice and a

lot of torque and pull and --

come on over here a minute,

harold.

I'm sorry, but harold,

he usually interrupts my stories

and throws me right off,

and he's got

this machine here...

[ keyboard clacking ]

...And it does

like that kind of thing

and takes us into

the next segment

and then just --

that really throws me off.

Well, not today,

uncle red.

Today I'm just your director

and your nephew.

I promise I'm not

gonna interrupt you.

I'm not gonna bother you.

I'm not gonna break the flow

from any part of you.

I'm not gonna bring up

film clips.

Nothing.

Wa-a-a-a!

Just be standing here

quietly.

Only if things

get really, really boring

would I ever

touch these buttons.

Oh, thank you, harold.

I appreciate that.

You're welcome.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ late in the evening

when the fire's almost out ♪

♪ the boys start comparing,

and you know what that's about ♪

♪ who's bigger

and who's stronger ♪

♪ and on and on it goes ♪

♪ to the biggest test of all --

who has the oldest clothes ♪

♪ who has

the oldest clothes? ♪

♪ who has

the oldest clothes? ♪

♪ can't tell with your eyes,

you can always use your nose ♪

♪ stinky has a pair of socks

older than his son ♪

♪ buster has a vest

he says he got ♪

♪ from the grave

of attila the hun ♪

♪ when people see our wardrobe,

they often wonder why ♪

♪ it's not that we like

old clothes so much ♪

♪ it's just

that we prefer wearing things ♪

♪ that our wives didn't buy ♪

this week on "handyman corner,"

I'm gonna show you

something that you can do

with your old car.

You know, this is an old car,

but, uh,

there's still something about it

that gets my heart pounding.

I think it's the lack of brakes.

You know, uh,

we all got to go sometime,

and -- and frankly,

I'd rather --

I'd rather go with some kind

of a head-on into the guardrail

rather than

spend my declining years

in a retirement home

or something.

I don't know

how I got off on that.

You know, that's the trouble.

I get started, and then I go off

on a crazy analogy.

And that's the way I am

with the car, too.

I got the car, and I just can't

leave well enough alone with it.

And what I wanted

to do today was, uh,

I wanted to turn this door

and the other door

into the gull wing.

You know the gull wing-door

type of style,

which they had

on the old mercedes, I believe,

and the bricklin had

the gull wing, and I think --

I believe gulls have them.

Not sure on that one.

Anyway,

first thing you got to do

is, uh,

you got to remove the door,

which is not as easy

as it sounds.

Uh, all right.

Well, what

I've done here is I've,

uh, poked a little hole

in the -- in the roof,

but, uh, I'm gonna need that

for later,

so that's actually a time-saver.

Okay.

By golly,

this is really on there.

Uh, there is a better way.

[ engine turns over ]

okay, where there's a van,

there's a way.

Now all I got to do is get this

unit up here, put her on here.

Now, what I...

What I have to do is create

a hinge now, uh, through our --

through our pre-drilled hole.

And I'm gonna use the handyman

secret weapon -- duct tape.

And you want to put on,

uh, two or three layers

of duct tape on this,

uh, just so you're street legal.

You know, you don't want

the cops pulling you over.

And, uh,

you want it secure there,

'cause there's

nothing more inconvenient

than having to pull

off the highway

and go back and get your door.

Anyway, I think that's,

uh, pretty secure there.

We got enough tape

for the other door,

so, uh, now I got to go

and hook up the mechanism

that will actually

open the gull wing door.

Getting exciting, isn't it?

Now, there you have it.

If that doesn't scream

"italian,"

then, uh,

you're not listening.

Uh, what I done was I got

a garage-door opener there,

and I got it from my neighbor's

place while they were out.

And I ran the chain

from the door opener --

it's mounted on the seat --

I ran the chain up through

and hooked her onto the door,

and the duct tape here

will just hold her,

and then I got

the wireless remote

for the garage-door opener.

I walk up to my car,

and I just feel like

marcello mastro-- mastru--

like the -- you know.

Uh, so anyway,

until next time, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Let's give our gull wing door

a shot.

[ motor whirring ]

[ metal screeching ]

we'll be right back with,

uh, more features

and more from

our regular guests.

And wait till you hear the

ending of the water-tower story.

Oh, we may not have time.

Oh, I'm the director.

You'll find time.

"it is autumn.

"the squirrel is fat

for the coming winter.

"the bears are plump

as they ready for hibernation.

"the muskrat, the porcupine,

the raccoon are roly-poly

"to see them through

their long winter sleep.

What's your excuse?"

so, uh, anyway,

we were getting into this --

building this water-tower thing,

and we didn't want to make it

out of wood or metal.

We thought we'd just get

a gigantic plastic bag

and then string it

between some of the trees,

and then it would funnel

the water down to the lodge.

And, uh, of course,

the problem is --

where are you gonna find

a plastic bag 90 feet by 90 feet

that'll hold 15 tons of water

without ripping?

Now, luckily, moose thompson

had one in his van.

You're gonna interrupt me,

aren't you?

No.

I want the people

to hear this story, uncle red.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

I really do.

Honest injuns.

Stamp on it.

Cherry on top.

Superman says so.

On a stack of bibles.

You think

the story is stupid.

You think what we did

was stupid.

That's true.

Then why do you want me

to tell the story?

Well -- well,

to be honest with you,

I've been getting

a lot of negative feedback

from our viewers.

Well, okay, mostly from men

from around here,

but they all say,

"how come --

"how come you always interrupt

red's stories

when he's telling a story?

How come you do that?"

and I'll say, "well,

uh, because. That's why."

and they say, "well,

let him finish one one time,

see if it's good."

I figure, o-o-okay.

You finish

one of your stories.

And then people will know

why I interrupt you.

You go ahead.

You go ahead.

You tell

one of your stories

about what you

and your friends did.

Go ahead. Right in there.

Tell them. [ laughs ]

what?

I didn't throw it.

Uh, I didn't even see it.

It was still rolling.

What are you

talking about?

Raccoons.

All over the place.

Uh, what can I do

for you, red?

You want to play through?

Is that it?

Oh, no, uh, bob, I cut down

a tree, uh, at the lodge,

and harold says the government's

gonna, you know, audit me,

rip out my fingernails or send

me to prison or something.

And I thought since you're with

the natural resources people

and you're a lodge member,

maybe you could kind of

straighten things out for me.

Well, that's okay.

Sure, red. I'll do that.

Except I'm working

right now.

Oh.

Yeah, t-this

is government work.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I'm, uh, I'm marking trees.

Oh, really?

Yeah, you see

that tree over there?

See that little mark

on there?

See that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I did that.

Oh.

That takes a lot of time

and concentration.

Yeah.

I find golf helps me

with that.

Oh.

Yeah.

Now, the tree I cut,

it was a beech tree, bob,

and I swear it was no more

than 6 inches in diameter,

and it come down real easy,

you know, so...

Mm-hmm.

Well, I wouldn't

worry about it.

Oh.

No, you know,

the government,

they're not too concerned

with one tree.

Oh.

It's not like you, uh,

flattened a whole forest.

You didn't do that, did you,

flatten a whole forest?

No.

Well, there you go.

[ chuckles ]

see, that's the secret --

moderation.

All right.

It's much like golf.

Well, I-I play about, oh, four

or five rounds of golf a week.

Really?

Well, maybe -- maybe about eight

or nine rounds of golf a week.

But, you know,

if I don't watch it,

I could play

as much golf as I wanted,

and it could become

a real problem.

Sure.

Oh, yeah.

Or is it

10 or 12 rounds?

Well, I don't know.

I don't keep count.

Fore!

Oh!

[ water splashes ]

damn!

Head down!

That's the whole thing,

you know.

Head down!

This thing down!

It's all part of the game,

you know.

Went right into the --

right into the water there.

Did you see that?

Oh.

Yeah.

Geez.

Is that good?

No.

No, that's not good.

Well, it's good for the balls.

They wash them off.

But, uh, it's head down.

That's the whole thing,

you know?

Got to keep your head down.

It's important.

Got to do

some government work.

Oh.

I'm sorry about that.

No, it's all right.

Head down.

Are you all right, bob?

Hmm?

You all right?

Oh, I'm fine!

No problem.

Head down.

Seems a little bit

upset there.

No, are you kidding?

No.

Head down.

Bob.

Head down!

Bob.

Head down!

Bob.

Head down!

Bob.

Head down!

Bob.

Head down!

Bob.

Head down!

Bob.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ flies in the sugar bowl,

two by two ♪

♪ what an unusual

thing to do ♪

♪ not the flies,

but the two by two ♪

♪ you don't often see insects

in formation ♪

[ laughs ]

uncle red, we got some

fun letters today.

This one's great.

This is from

a viewer I think --

I think he's a real kidder,

you know? More like a teaser.

[ chuckles ]

just read the letter,

harold, all right?

I was born ready.

"dear red,

are there any explosives

"that can be made

from a cake mix?

"this is for

a surprise party,

"so please refer to me

by the name 'ralph,'

"rather than my real name,

which is also ralf,

but spelled with an 'f.'"

well, harold, as the

proctologist said to the jockey,

"we're getting into

a sensitive area here."

I'm really

kind of reluctant to, uh,

talk about explosives

on the air, you know.

No, uncle red, I don't think

the viewer meant it that way.

He just wants an explosive

effect from his cake, you know?

Something that you just won't

have to stir nitroglycerine

in with his recipe.

Something like that.

At least, that's how I read it.

Well, you know, okay, harold,

but there are

a lot of explosives

that can be made with things

you find right in your kitchen.

Our kitchen

or anybody's kitchen?

No, I mean

anybody's kitchen.

Oh, yeah?

I didn't know that.

Oh, yeah, it's just

a matter of, you know,

mixing the various baking goods

in a certain proportion.

I've seen a bran muffin

take out a whole septic system.

Well, maybe we should answer

this viewer by mail,

'cause we don't want

this information

getting into

the wrong hands,

you know, like

a terrorist baker or something.

Maybe what I should do

is just, uh,

invite him up here and get

old man sedgwick to show him.

Uh, he makes a birthday cake

that blows out its own candles.

Oh! That's great!

Would he charge the viewer

for that?

I wouldn't imagine it would be

too expensive or nothing.

No.

Might cost him

a couple of eyebrows.

That's not bad.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Beautiful day

up at the lodge,

and, uh, bill and I thought

we'd, uh, do a little fishing.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Anyway, bill had got

a new one of these,

uh, what they call

a trolling motor.

And it's just

a small, little thing,

uh, but, you know, uh,

they're kind of fun,

and they're ideal for trolling,

which is why they're called

a trolling motor,

and bill turned it on,

showed me how it worked,

and, by golly, you know, they

have a lot of torque to them.

Aaah!

A lot of power.

Look out for that, bill.

Look out, look out, look out!

Oh!

Well, he, uh,

yeah, he got lucky there.

He's okay.

So, first thing he wanted to do

was, uh, take off the outboard.

You don't need that,

'cause believe it or not,

that little trolling motor

will do almost the same job.

The cover's loose.

Oh, well.

That was when he stopped

the boat anyhow.

So, uh, bill hooks her on there,

and he told me to bring him

a half dozen

or eight or nine fishing poles,

and then he had these c-clamps,

and he starts c-clamping

the fishing poles

to the side of the boat,

and he had some --

not only duct tape,

but he had the black duct tape,

which is the big dollar.

Went the big dollar on this.

And, uh, he decided

this is the best way to fish.

He got basically,

uh, 10, 11, 12 --

quite a few rods in the water.

And now we're just going

on the trolling motor.

Well, let's see this.

It's got the power

to pull us along there.

Beautiful day.

Beautiful day.

It was still a beautiful --

haven't caught anything yet.

But, uh -- oh, wait, bill.

Wait, bill!

Bill, got one there.

Bill, you got one.

Got one, bill.

And it started to -- hang on.

This is the bad thing about

having all the fishing rods.

And I haven't -- honestly

haven't noticed that he had --

what I should have done

probably there was,

I probably should have

turned off the --

turned off the trolling motor

or unclipped the battery,

but, uh,

it just didn't occur to me

that the fish would be able

to pull bill quite that hard,

you know?

Aah!

But it did.

Anyway, uh, he was okay.

All of a sudden,

he started getting pulled.

Couldn't figure out

what was going on,

and then we realized that all

the fish hooks had got him.

So I just took out

the prop out of the water,

and that stopped the pulling,

and he was okay.

So we got over that emergency,

and then unfortunately

all the lines

wound around the prop

and started...

And I thought he was gonna,

you know, really --

so I tried to unhook,

and he's gonna hit the prop,

and it's in his face and worse,

and then I got it off,

and then he was fine,

so I just had to cut the wire

and let him go.

Beautiful day.

"it is summer.

"nine nut balls

race up the lake

"on those noisy boats

that look like snowmobiles.

"what do they call them --

"sea mobiles, water sleds,

surf skis?

"what are they called?

They need to know

for the coroner's report."

you're kidding me, aren't you,

harold? Inflatable shoes?

Yeah.

They're called pumps.

You got to --

you pump them up.

They're like --

they're like sneakers

or running shoes, you know.

They're for people

who like to play sports

or, you know, just

people who like to look

like they play sports.

You pump them up.

They don't get real big

or something, uncle red.

They're not like

air mattresses.

They just ensure a proper,

snug fit.

Why don't you just buy the right

size in the first place?

Well, that's --

I don't know.

You could -- well, see,

you could do that,

but where's the marketing scheme

in that?

You see, I mean,

whereas with these, "the pump."

it's just something new.

It's just something new.

That's all it is.

And, you know, they cost

twice as much as regular shoes.

Twice as much?!

Oh, yeah!

How come?

Well, you know,

inflation.

[ laughs ]

we're gonna come right back

and, uh,

finish off the show

with a lot of special stuff.

So stay tuned.

And stay tuned

for the exciting conclusion

of the water-tower story!

I forget it.

I don't.

If any of you, uh, have

any teenagers in the house,

you might want to

videotape this part

so that you can erase it later.

I'm gonna talk about

what they call, uh, free love.

Now, I'm not saying

what's right and what's wrong,

but, uh, golly, you know,

it's a -- it's a bad thing.

So, uh, all you teenage girls

there in particular,

whenever you get a request

from a boy of the opposite sex

along the free-love line,

I'm asking you to just say no.

That's only fair to those of us

from an older generation

who grew up when things

were real uptight and celibate

and celibacy and so on -- you

weren't allowed to do anything.

So we don't enjoy you being

allowed to enjoy things

that we weren't allowed

to enjoy.

It's just --

it's not enjoyable.

I think just to say no in the

interest of fo-- fair play.

I know.

I can't tell you what to do.

All right, you do

whatever you want to do,

but I'll tell you one thing.

Up at the lodge, our attitude

towards free love is...

[ clears throat ]

...You get what you pay for.

Ohhh!

Okay, it's just a game!

It's just a game!

Right, red? Is it a game?!

Uh, yeah.

Breathe deep.

Breathe deep, bob, put down.

Bob?

Huh?

Uh, so this, uh, the thing with

the tree and the government,

so I'm not gonna be

in any kind of trouble there

with the tree thing?

Oh, right.

No. No.

You, uh, you play golf,

red, or --

no, I'm --

I'm pretty relaxed already.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Well, you should try it.

It's a great game.

Yeah, well --

yes, sirree. Great game.

I don't know

if I'd be --

you know what?

Why don't you take a shot?

No, no.

No, thank you. No.

It's, uh, no, no.

No, it's easy!

Go on, take a shot.

I got to get back

to the lodge,

you know,

and the guys will be waiting.

Take a shot.

Yeah, all right.

No problem.

Just go ahead?

Oh, yeah.

Now you're having fun, huh?

You having fun, buddy?

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah,

keep your head down.

Fore!

So, uh, I'm not

in any trouble at all, then, eh?

So, just --

I'm not gonna worry about it.

I say harold's

blowing smoke,

and everything's

gonna be just fine.

Look at that!

Would you look at that?

Yeah.

Your head was down.

That was the whole key.

Okay.

I -- you know, red,

I would love to play

a few rounds of golf with you.

Well, golf's not really my game,

you know, bob.

I don't think.

Oh, it's not?

I don't think so. No.

Gee, that's too bad.

So, tell me

something, red.

How old was that tree

that you cut down?

Didn't have a mark on it,

did it?

It was a mark

for cutting?

You didn't get, uh,

you didn't get approval to --

well, you know, it's funny --

you're just talking there,

and it suddenly

occurred to me

I think I could free up

next Tuesday

if you wanted to have

a game of golf.

Wonderful. Great.

Well, we tee off at 6:30

in the morning

and 1:00 in the afternoon.

6:30 and 1:00.

Mm-hmm.

Two rounds.

Oh, yeah.

Well,

I'm gonna go rest up.

All right, and I'm gonna

get another club.

I'll see you on Tuesday.

On Tuesday! You bet!

Don't worry.

I've got lots of these clubs,

lots of these babies.

Enough for me?

For both of us.

All right.

All right, see you then!

Okay.

Fabulous.

[ chuckles ]

fore!

Ohh!

Well, anyway,

that just about does it

for this, uh, this week.

So, uh, if my wife is watching,

I'm coming

straight home tonight,

and I'll warm my toes

before I get into bed.

And as for the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching,

and on behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang here

at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

Uncle red, what about

the water-tower story?

Finish

the water-tower story.

Well, we don't have time

for that this week, harold.

Wa-a-a. You folks

should have seen. It was great.

They got this huge, black,

giant plastic bag, right?

And they put it up

between two trees.

You know what happened then?

It started to rain.

Just, like, it poured for, like,

two or three days, right.

And the bag fills up.

And you know what?

The trees started

to bend like this.

They were all hunched over

worse than old man sedgwick.

[ laughs ]

and then you know

what happened then -- nothing.

No water was coming out

the bottom or nothing

like they had planned.

You know why?

Wa-a-a-a!

They forgot to put

a hose in it!

Yeah.

So stinky peterson -- he's the

brains of the group, right --

he gets this idea.

He figures, hey,

let's throw a lawn dart at it!

[ laughs ]

now, for those of you

who don't know the word "flood,"

this is what happened.

We lost all the trees,

four outbuildings,

and 3 inches of topsoil.

[ laughs ]

see, uncle red,

it was a good story.