Twinning/Transcript

The complete transcript for Twinning

Opening Scene
''{In a field outside the lodge, Red has inflated a beach ball with helium from a tank. The ball is tied by rope (from a barrel) to a tree stump on the ground. After inflating the ball, he releases it, and it floats into the air like a balloon, pulling the rope it's tied to along with it. The rope unwinds little by little as the ball floats up.}''

RED GREEN: You know, getting a stump like this outta your yard can be as tough as getting your wife's uncle outta your spare bedroom. But here's a solution. Get a great big beach ball, like the one I had a minute ago. Fill her up with helium, like I did a minute ago. Then wrap it up with, oh, say, 3,000 feet of rope. Then you tie the other end of the rope to the stump, {stoops down next to tree stump to emphasize position} way low down near the roots. Now, depending on where you live, you might use more rope; you might use less. But I use 3,000 because around here small planes fly at 2,500.

''{By now, the rope has fully unwound. Red looks up as a plane flies by overhead and catches on the rope in doing so. The rope pulls on the tree stump and uproots it from the ground. Red gives a thumbs-up to the camera.}''

Intro
''{Red walks into the lodge, holding some papers in his hand. He walks up close to the camera and waves to the cheering audience. He raises his hands to wave down the cheering. He laughs.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. I got kind of a special project going on at the lodge this week. You know they have this deal where you can twin your town or city with another town or city, even in another country? And then you do the switcheroo. You live in somebody else's home, and you see how they live and what their house smells like, you know? {chuckles} Well, we figured this would be a great way to promote the lodge, so we sent a letter, an invitation to every state in America to see if they had a town or a city that we'd twin with. I gotta tell you, their response so far has been a little negative. There's... {looks at papers and reads from them} "Over my dead body." "Yeah, that could happen." "Not right now, but call us back when Hell freezes over."

''{Suddenly, the front door opens again and Dalton Humphrey runs in, looking excited. He holds a folded piece of paper in his hand.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Red! Red, we got a winner!

RED GREEN: What?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Or should I say, a twinner!

RED GREEN: Wow!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {laughs} Yeah! {unfolds paper}

RED GREEN: You got a city that said yes?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, no, not just a city.

RED GREEN: Really?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Not just a town.

RED GREEN: What?

DALTON HUMPHREY: A whole state!

RED GREEN: What?!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah!

RED GREEN: Oh, my gosh!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Try and guess which one.

RED GREEN: {strokes chin} Well, it'd have to be a state like us. I'd say confusion.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {nods} Yes, pretty close. Pretty close. It's Iowa.

{The audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Wow! Oh, man! The whole state of Hawaii?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, Iowa. Iowa.

RED GREEN: (sounding disappointed) Oh, well, that's even better.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, the way they explained it to me is that they had a bunch of people they felt they could do without for a couple of weeks, and, uh... {Red nods} I told them there were fifty people who were doing– doing the exchange.

RED GREEN: Sure...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah...

RED GREEN: {turns to leave} Well, I'm gonna go get packed.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {stopping Red} Oh, no! No, no, I-I-I don't think you should go.

RED GREEN: Huh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, you're the lodge leader, and I think it's– it's your job to stay here and welcome these... What do you call people from Iowa?

RED GREEN: I.O.U.-ians?

DALTON HUMPRHEY: Well, whatever, but I– you know, you– you– you really need to show these people a good time while they're here.

RED GREEN: Oh...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Besides, I heard maybe someone had a little problem the last time they crossed the border.

RED GREEN: {feeling ashamed} Yeah, well, um... {clears throat} Yeah, the customs guy and I had a personality conflict. I had one, he didn't. And, uh, that led to an authority problem, where he had some and I didn't. {rubs hands together} So now I'm denied access to the U.S. for two years, so I've either gotta wait it out or shave my beard off.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looks at Red closely and nods} I'd wait it out. {turns to leave}

Handyman Corner
''{Wearing a jacket, Red walks up to a picnic table outside the lodge. He holds a hockey stick in one hand and a duffel bag in the other.}''

RED GREEN: I know a lot of you guys have an old bag at home that only gets out when you go play hockey. I'm talking about one of these, right? {puts duffel bag on table} And I bet the stuff inside hasn't seen the light of day in a while, has it, huh? If you're like me, the only time you hit the ice these days is when you tip your glass up too high. {opens up bag} So this week on– {coughs as something emerges from the bag} This week on Handyman Corner, {puts duffel bag aside and picks up hockey stick} I'm gonna show you how you can turn your old hockey equipment into state-of-the-art fishing gear. {reaches hand into bag and pulls out reel} All right, you start with the hockey stick itself, or as I call it now, the fishing rod. We're gonna attach the reel on here {takes out a roll of hockey tape} using the right-winger's secret weapon, hockey tape. A person is never too old to change.

''{Red starts to attach the reel to the hockey stick with the hockey tape. Wipe to a later scene. Red has finished attaching the reel on. He has also attached several more rolls of tape along the stick, with the fishing line threaded through it.}''

RED GREEN: I know what you're thinking: "Get reel." Well, I did. I used the extra rolls of hockey tape to finish the job. {takes and holds up a goalie mask} What you might wanna do is, keep a goalie mask handy, too. You know, in case you're fishing out of season or maybe your rod has an illegal curve. Now, I guess we could just stop with what we've got so far, but hey, we have a lot more unused hockey gear still in the bag, so I say we take her up a notch or two and do our fishing from a boat. {takes a pair of hockey pants} I've already got a cooler, one leg for drinks, the other for bait.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has set up the hockey equipment all along the boat.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, I've attached the elbow pads and shin pads all along the sides of the boat here in case I come in here in a breakaway and hit the posts. Then I got all my fishing gear into the hockey bag, so I say it's time to go fishing.

''{He pushes on the edge of the lake, sending the boat drifting out into the middle of the water. He then takes a pair of hockey sticks and uses them as oars to row the boat out into the middle of the lake. Wipe to a later scene.}''

RED GREEN: You know, I found the seat a bit too hard in this unit, {stands up in boat, revealing that he's sitting on some goalie equipment} so I got out the goalie equipment and stacked the pads. That'll also save me from having any surprises in the five hole. Thought about using my protective cup as a bobber on that, but it brought back too many painful memories. {waves dismissively} All right, that's enough talk. {takes hockey stick-cum-fishing rod} Let's do some fishing. I'm sure I'll catch a fish in a couple of minutes. Two minutes, tops. {raises hockey stick up} Two minutes for high sticking.

''{Red sits there for a brief period of time, holding up the rod. He clears his throat briefly. After a moment of awkward silence, Red speaks again.}''

RED GREEN: You know, Gump Worsley's real name was Lorne. {another awkward pause} And it's just that easy. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

{Suddenly, a fish is heard catching on the reel.}

RED GREEN: Oh, man! Oh, I've got one! Oh, boy, she's a big one. She's a big one. Let me use the net! Gonna need the net on this!

''{He pulls on a rope and raises a hockey goal net in the back of the boat. He then pulls on the reel hard and brings in the fish. It lands on the hockey goal net behind him. A buzzer sounds while a red light flashes. Red stands up in the boat and does a little victory dance.}''

Midlife
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to you middle-aged guys for a minute. Remember when you were fourteen years old, and you went and told your parents in that real snotty voice you had that you were never gonna turn out like them? You were never going to be fat or have a boring job. And you were going to listen to Jimi Hendrix forever. Remember how surprised you were when they didn't get mad or try to get even? Well, take a look at yourself right now, driving that massive gut home from the bowling ball factory, with the radio playing Kenny G there. And when you get home your own kids are gonna tell you that you are absolutely, totally out of it. And just like your parents, you're not gonna say anything to them, because you know you don't have to. You now realize that parents don't need to get revenge. Mother Nature will do it for you. Oh, yeah. And I'll tell you something else: if she won't, the police will. So what you gotta concentrate on now is your own parents, who are probably about a million years old. I suggest you take the best care of them you can. Not so much because you want to, but because Mother Nature is watching, and so are your own kids. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

yesiree.

And today dwight cardiff's

gonna be playing

for a new pair of

running shoes!

Which should pretty

much last a lifetime.

Okay, red, you've 30 seconds to

get dwight to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

dalton.

And go!

Uh, okay, dwight,

use your imagination.

Okay?

If you ever worked hard you

would break out in a...

Rash.

No, no.

This is wet.

It comes out of your body

whenever you do hard

physical labour.

Oh, tears.

Let's say you see a guy

out in the noon day sun

pounding rocks.

And you say, "boy,

he's really working up a..."

cardiac infarction.

All right, let's say you've

got a real good friend asks

you for a favour

and you say, "hey, no..."

chance.

Dalton: Almost outta time, red.

What do you have on

there, dwight?

What's that called?

I dunno.

Activewear?

No, it's a suit.

It's a kind of suit.

Leisure suit?

Last clue, red.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, what do athletes do

in that kind of outfit?

Commercials.

Look, red, I don't

really want the shoes.

Don't sweat it.

There you go.

You got it!

[ cheering and applause ]

it's time for that

portion of the show

where we feature

those three little words

men find so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

And our letter

reads as follows...

"dear experts...

"I have to deliver the eulogy at

an uncle's funeral next week,

"and I don't know what to say.

"he never came to

any family gatherings,

"and none of us

really knew him.

"still, I feel

we owe him something

"because when he died,

he left us each a pretty

good chunk of change.

"any suggestions?"

signed "in the black."

well, I would say you

can say whatever you want.

The guy's not gonna

argue with you.

You know, red, I don't think

you're the right person to

answer this question.

Funerals are a time

for forgiveness

and serious reflection.

Isn't that the way you

do it at the funeral

home, brian?

Not if I can help it.

Planting people

is a tough business.

I mean, all day long you've

got to be straight faced

and sober and serious.

Sober's the hardest.

I guess you gotta just

grab your laughs where

you can get 'em.

Oh, you said it.

We have this one organist,

likes to slip in other songs in

between regular funeral music.

Oh, it is hard to

keep a straight face

when he starts playing

hit the road, jack.

[ laughter ]

you morticians

kill me.

No, that's doctors.

We're just

the clean-up crew.

[ laughter and applause ]

if our um --

if our viewer is

still watching, um --

listen, I don't think you're

gonna get anywhere with

the eulogy.

I think you're on your --

I think you're on your own.

And that's a good thing.

Whoa, no,

I'm sorry.

I got carried away.

Okay,

the eulogy thing.

Well, if you don't know

the guy that well,

it's best to go with our

standard send-off speech,

which, by the way,

is available on our

new gravesite website.

Www.Dead.Com

"ashes to ashes,

dust to dust.

"some guys wear out,

others just rust.

"this one was quiet,

not much to say,

"and he's looking more

laid back than ever today.

"but don't waste

your tears

"it's no time

to grieve.

"we all prefer guests

who know when to leave.

"if he's gone to heaven,

he won't have it so rough.

"and if he's gone

straight to hell,

"you'll meet

again soon enough."

well, our visitors from iowa

started arriving today.

I understand they have

a bit of an accent.

They say 'out' and 'about'

kinda weird.

Other than that, I hope

they're just like the

guys at the lodge;

you know, normal.

Heck, there's only 50 of 'em.

I can keep 50 people

entertained for half an hour.

I've got the ratings

to prove it.

Oh --

oh, dalton I see the

people from iowa are here.

Oh, yeah,

that's them.

They seem fine.

How come they're looking

up in the sky there?

[ laughing ]

I -- I told them the lodge

was named after a possum

that arcs through the sky

every year about this time.

They're watching for it.

[ laughter ]

they're gonna fit

in great up here.

Oh, yeah.

I, uh --

I have some --

something I have

to tell you, red.

Is this personal?

No.

Okay, go ahead.

Uh, this is just

the first wave.

There's 500 of 'em.

What?!

[ laughter ]

they said that if

we send down 50,

that america's got

ten times more people,

so they're gonna

send up 500.

Okay, okay, okay.

That's a load off.

Hey!

Dalton, get back here!

Well, I gotta go.

I'm leaving for

iowa in an hour.

You can't leave me

here with 500 of 'em.

Oh, they won't

bother you.

They're very self-sufficient.

They'll bother me!

I'm the lodge leader.

They'll come to me.

Oh, no, they won't.

These are americans, red.

No, they pay no attention

at all to their leaders.

[ laughter and applause ]

winston rothschild here

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Space, the final frontier;

sewage, the final back tier.

[ applause ]

oh, hey, there,

boys and girls.

I'm just about set with

a brand new animated film.

Hey, I think that my drawings

and characterizations

are getting better and better

all the time, don't you?

Well, heck, if you do, why don't

you write a letter to your local

tv station and tell them?

You know, you might want

to go as far as to say that

ranger gord's animated films are

by far the best part of the

red green show,

and should be a separate and

better show all on their own.

Remember only you can

write a letter like that.

I apparently can't write

a letter like that to

a tv station,

because they always call me

and say they recognize

my handwriting.

Anyway, I'm just

about set here.

Remember, be real.

It's not necessary that you

say the rest of "the red

green show" sucks,

unless you really want to.

Okay, here we go.

Here's your favourite

part of the show.

[ ♪♪ ]

[ ♪ ]

question for you...

Who would win

a race to the moon?

A space alien in

a flying saucer

or myself sitting in

my watchtower?

Is this a trick

question, ranger gord?

Gord, are you nuts?

Red: What's going on here?

Hey, put me down!

Whoa, what are the chances

of that happening?

No time for

math, harold.

To the watchtower!

[ "flying" sounds ]

[ high tech flying sounds ]

engage the sirens,

harold.

[ electronic beeps ]

[ police siren screaming ]

pull over!

Do you realise how

fast you were going?

You were approaching

the speed of light,

my friend.

And school is out.

Aah!

What's this?

Well, harold, looks like this

guy has a license to travel

at any speed

and a license to abduct

small woodland creatures.

You realise you missed one?

Oh, ahh.

Pop your trunk there, buddy.

Don't worry, guys.

Getting an implant in your neck

is a small price to pay

for a trip into

deep space.

You two are

very fortunate.

[ muffled cries from

harold and red ]

[ muffled cries continue ]

you know, folks, I just

assumed that alien was

doing something wrong,

and that's not right.

Never judge a book

by its cover,

or an alien by

what it's doing.

Ha ha ha.

Bye bye.

[ applause ]

[ no audio ]

here's a tip that

will keep your wife happy

if you're late

at a lodge meeting

or a sporting event

or a police lineup

and you know you're not going

to make it home by curfew.

You know these plug-in timers

have been around for

a few years,

but they've never really

reached their full potential

until now.

Let's say on Friday night coming

up your wife's gonna expect

you home at 10:00,

and you know there's no way

you're gonna get there

before midnight.

No problem.

First of all, one day

when she's not home,

take one of these

tape machines,

and record the sound of your

own back door opening

and closing.

[ sound of door opening

and closing ]

now, you rewind the tape;

you unplug her.

You plug it into one

of these timers.

You set the unit

for 10:00 p.M.

You plug her back in.

Because you know by 10:00,

your wife's gonna be lying

in bed just listening for

the sound of that door.

Now, how many married guys

go straight to bed when

they get home?

Not counting newlyweds,

I'd say zero.

So the next sound she's

listening for

is the tv coming on.

Well, that's where your

second timer comes in.

Turn her on there,

set the channel,

and you set the timer

for a minute later.

Just make sure you've got

the tv set for one of

the sports channels.

If terms of endearment

comes on there,

it's all over.

Otherwise,

it's just that easy.

But remember, this is just for

an occasional emergency.

You do this once too often,

your wife's liable to catch on.

Woman on tape:

Honey, is that you?

[ laughter ]

man, I feel like a

stranger in my own town

with all these iowa

people roaming around.

Mind you, they don't

ask for much,

and we got plenty of that.

[ laughter ]

I kind of like having them

around here, to be

honest with you.

I'm actually not missing

the guys all that much.

I -- I'm not

missing them at all.

Actually, I think I might

even prefer it this way.

[ cheering and applause ]

am I having

an hallucination

of some kind here?

Hello, red.

We'd like to

introduce ourselves.

I'm douglas hudson of the

hudson's everything store,

ames, iowa.

Hi, douglas.

How you doing?

[ applause and laughter ]

and this is mark.

Mark, how are you?

Hello, mr green.

Hey, hey, hey!

And this is hector.

Hey?!

And this is vincent of

the oskaloosa sewage and

septic sucking services.

When you play

poker with me,

a flush beats a

full house.

[ cheering and applause ]

now,

this is spooky.

We really enjoy

your television show.

Oh, well,

thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

You guys from iowa

like comedy, do you?

It's comedy?

[ possum squealing ]

all right,

that's the meeting.

Way you go.

You guys go ahead.

I need a moment here.

Oh, my gosh.

[ cheering and applause ]

no! Go! Go!

[ laughter and applause ]

[ whistling and applause ]

okay, if my wife is watching,

that man is not me!

If I hop into bed tonight,

you better check my

personal I.D.,

and I think you know

what I mean by that!

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

real or fake,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

sit, sit.

Sit down.

Red look-alike: All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Real red: Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Okay, guys, I've got

some great news for you.

I know you're supposed to be

going back to iowa today,

but I know you've already

enjoyed yourselves here.

I've decided to extend

the hospitality.

You're all allowed to stay for

another couple of weeks.

[ silence ]

I'm extending that invitation to

each and every one of you.

Now, if for some oddball reason

somebody does need to get back,

you should probably excuse

yourself from the meeting now

and go upstairs before

the buses leave.

Hey, wait, wait wait, wait!

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