The Driving Lesson/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Driving Lesson

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, here's the reason God created no-fault insurance, the old fault guy, your hero, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

{Red enter the lodge amid the audience's cheering.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Well, she's a very, very big day for a special young man up here at Possum Lodge. {turns to Harold} Harold, you got a little announcement for us?

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} No.

RED GREEN: {waving Harold over} Oh, come on now. {turns back to camera} He's just a little bit shy there, you know? {chuckles} Yeah, Harold today has gotten his drivin' license, which means {holds up index finger} he's well on his way to becoming a man, because now he has a reason to get a vehicle. And once he gets that vehicle, he will in fact be a man. {beat} Unless it's, like, an '87 Sunbird.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red} Okay, okay, yeah, okay, y'know, yes, I took the driving test. Yes! {giggles} But I had, uh, y'know, some mishaps, some miscues, and property damage.

RED GREEN: {disappointed} Oh, you flunked again?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah.

RED GREEN: {nods} Wh-What happened?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I had the same driving examiner as last time.

RED GREEN: Sure.

HAROLD GREEN: There's only one driving examiner in the Possum Lake area. {exasperated} I should've expected that! She gave me the benefit of the doubt, and that was good, {makes a moving motion with his hand} until I ran over her foot. I didn't signal, you know?

RED GREEN: Yeah, I do know.

HAROLD GREEN: Same foot as last time. She was ticked! Ticked!

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, listen, you gotta get right back up on that horse, you got to go there tomorrow and take the test all over again.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs and shakes head} No! Oh, no! Oh, no. No, I can't do that.

RED GREEN: Why not?

HAROLD GREEN: Well... {holds up index finger} Well, number one... There's various reasons, but number one is that the test car doesn't come back from the auto body shop till next week. So that'll slow me up some. And... And she says I have to take lessons before I can retest.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Oh, Harold, man, nobody in their right mind would give you driving lessons.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} You will? Oh, thank you! Excellent!

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red duct-taping two dryers together. He runs around the two dryers, covering them in duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} What you're looking at now is a bunch of segments from this particular show.

{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress; Dougie is the contestant, and he has to say "Canada".}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} The main message being, "For gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel."

''{Cut to a shot of a car in the Lodge driving up close to the camera. Mike is driving the car. Red is seated beside him and Harold is in the back.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell ya something, if you wanna make sense outta this program...

''{Cut to a shot of Red, Harold and Dalton sitting around a table. Dalton tells Red something, and they both laugh, much to Harold's annoyance.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...you gotta give it your undivided attention.

Plot Segment 2
{Red and Harold enter the lodge, Red looking frustrated and Harold holding a driver's manual.}

RED GREEN: {looking into camera} If any of you out there are driving instructors, I'll tell you right now: you are all underpaid.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at manual} See, Uncle Red, it says right here in the driving manual: "Driver will come to a complete stop "four meters prior to the intersection, creep forward, come to another complete stop, prior to entering said intersection."

RED GREEN: {grabbing manual away from Harold} Harold, there are two kinds of people: those who do things, and those who write manuals. {tears manual pages in half and throws them down} A rolling stop is fine.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} "Rolling stop" doesn't mean "rolling over". {makes a circling motion with his finger} We were around that corner on two wheels!

RED GREEN: Well, the Possum Van only has two good wheels, Harold. Besides, there was nobody coming.

HAROLD GREEN: So you do stop when you see cars coming?

RED GREEN: Yeah... If it's got lights on the roof.

HAROLD GREEN: {shaking head} No, no, no, no, no, no, this isn't gonna work, Uncle Red. If you're gonna teach me to drive, it has to be by proper traffic rules.

RED GREEN: Harold, I've been driving for 35 years. I've never had a problem.

HAROLD GREEN: Ho! No, you haven't, but everyone else on the road with you sure has. Let me put it this way to you: do you want to be on the road driving with people who drive like you?

{Red stares at his nephew as he realizes what he brings up a good point, and then bends down to pick up the torn pieces of the manual.}

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I thought not!

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, my uncle has a dairy farm,
 * A man who likes to putter.
 * He slipped and fell off the roof one day,
 * And landed in the butter.
 * He flipped and flopped for an hour or more,
 * 'Til he was rescued by his wife.
 * She warned him that butter is bad for his health,
 * But he claimed it saved his life.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, this is for the big one! {walks over to the card table where Red and Dougie sit} It's for a water balloon launcher and forty air-sick bags! {Dougie covers his ears} Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get {points to Dougie} Mr. Dougie Franklin to say this word... {holds up sign with word on it} "Canada". "Canada". {Red sways his head in frustration as Harold steps back and points at table} And go! {Dougie takes his fingers out of his ears}

RED GREEN: All right, Dougie!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Yes, sir?

RED GREEN: A country...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {putting his hand over his heart proudly} The United States of America!

RED GREEN: No, this... Okay, okay, this is America's largest trading partner...

'''DOUGIE FRANKLIN: The Dallas Cowboys.

RED GREEN: No, no, I... Dougie, I'm talking about the second biggest country in the world...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Oh, it's gotta be Texas!

RED GREEN: No, no! Think country, okay?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: All right, all right, I'm thinking...

RED GREEN: This is a country directly north of America...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Alaska.

RED GREEN: The longest undefended border in the world is between the U.S.A. and...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: France, I believe. {Red hangs his head in frustration} Monsieur. {pronounces it "mon-sewer"}

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Dougie, I was born in this place! Eh?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Home for unwed mothers.

{The audience laughs.}

RED GREEN: I'm talking– I'm talking about where we are right now! {points to the surrounding area in frustration} Where are we, right here?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Oh, oh!

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Uh, Ontariari...

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Manitoulin...

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Um... Nova somethin'.

RED GREEN: {exasperated} No, no, no, those are provinces!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {equally exasperated} Oh, what's the difference?

HAROLD GREEN: We're out of time. Sorry. Ding-dong!

RED GREEN: {holding up sign reading "Canada" to Dougie} Way to go, Doug.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {pointing at sign, dumbfounded} Oh, that's still a country?!

{The audience laughs and applauds as Red looks around in confusion and Dougie shrugs.}

Handyman Corner
{The Handyman Corner sign is displayed in another area of the lodge as the camera pans past it toward Red, who stands next to a pair of clothes dryers.}

RED GREEN: This week on "Handyman Corner", we're gonna make a little project here that's gonna make you real popular with the kids, and that's for sure. We're gonna build our very own air hockey game! Yeah, you've got two basic principles on that. You got holes, and {makes a raising motion with his hand} you got wind going through them. We've all been there, haven't we? {walks over to the two dryers} All right, first thing you need for this is a couple of dryers. You can pick these up at a garage sale, or if you stay up late at night, you can hoist a couple out of a laundromat. But by golly now, I wouldn't advise that. Sure, the dryers are free, but the quarters to keep them running will eventually break ya. All right, now, what you gotta do with these units is you gotta plug up the exhaust on 'em so that the air will go where you want it to go. And, uh, the vent is in the back here. I would suggest that you plug her up with, say, a ball or a small houseplant. {bends down behind one dryer and comes up holding a huge wad of lint in his hand} Actually, these units already have a fair amount of lint buildup in there, and that'll do the job for us. {bends down again to stick the lint inside the vent, then becomes confused} Somebody must've dried a cat in there. Push these dryers together. {walks over to the other dryer} All right, now, you wanna push these dryers together, {pushes this dryer up against the other dryer} and then keep them together {picks up a roll of duct tape off of one of the dryers} using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Suddenly, Red notices that one of the dryers' doors is ajar. He looks down to notice a sock sticking out of the door.}''

RED GREEN: There's always one, isn't there?

''{Then suddenly, a thought comes to him as he goes over to the second dryer and opens up the door to look inside. He spots a second sock in there that matches the first one. He laughs with delight.}''

RED GREEN: So that's where they go!

{Wipe to a later scene, as Red attaches the two dryers together by wrapping them in duct tape, which he runs around the dryers several times.}

RED GREEN: 'Course, now, hockey is a real physical game, y'know, with the slap shots and the cross-checking, and of course the inevitable fist fights. So make sure you really horse these babies down.

''{Wipe again. The dryers are almost completely wrapped in duct tape together. Red climbs up on top of the dryers, holding a hammer and spike in his hands.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, now, I remembered that we plugged up all the exhaust vents on these. So now we gotta punch some holes in the top so the air will blow up. Not blow up, boom; blow up, pffft!

''{Red then places his spike over one area of a dryer and tries to hammer the spike into the dryer. But it doesn't appear to be making the hole he wants. He becomes confused.}''

RED GREEN: This could take a little longer than I thought.

''{A brief montage begins. First, Red continues to try to hammer the spike in, to no avail. Next, he tries to make holes using an electric drill. He is squatting on top of the dryer as he does this. But he is having no better luck and ends up falling off the dryer. Then he tries to puncture the dryers with a pickax. This time, he succeeds in creating holes, though he does have some difficulty pulling the pickax out after creating the holes. Finally, the dryers are covered with holes on the tops of both.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. {tosses pickax aside, then feels the holes on the surface} Boy, you know, that, uh... that's a little rougher than what I... {snaps fingers} I know what you do now, of course, is you add another layer on that.

{Red runs off briefly and returns, holding a pegboard covered with tools and the hooks holding them in place.}

RED GREEN: Okay, our new surface now will be a pegboard. You'll probably find a hunk of this over your work bench. {shakes off the tools and hooks} I never used it all that much anyhow. {puts pegboard on top of dryers with the smooth back side up} Actually, you know, I dated a girl named Peg Board. {rubs surface of pegboard} She ended up marrying a real tool. All right, when you put the pegboard on, make sure you've got the smooth side up. This is what they call "good one side". Come to think of it, so was the girl I dated.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the pegboard to the tops of the dryers. He has also raised up the sides of the pegboard so they won't stick out over the dryers. He has also cut holes the sides for the puck to go through. He then holds up two cereal bowls and a jar lid.}''

RED GREEN: All right, we got her all set here. I got a jar lid here. That's my puck. {puts lid down on pegboard, then holds up bowls} And I got a couple of cereal bowls to hit it with. So we're all ready to go. And the beauty of using a dryer, of course, is you've got the timer on here, so you got your official game time. You even get a buzzer that goes off when the game's over. And you know, you can be any team. Heck, if you want to be a European team, {gestures toward dryer controls} just set her on "delicate". So, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's hockey night in Canada!

''{He pushes a button on one of the dryers. It starts up. He then aims one of his bowls at the jar and hits it hard. The puck goes flying across and off the air hockey table and flies offscreen, crashing into something there.}''

RED GREEN: Wow, my first breakaway!

Commercial bumper
''{Red and Harold walk into the lodge. Red is holding a piece of paper in his hand while Harold makes driving motions with his hands.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we've got lots more of it.

Midlife
{Red is cutting a piece of pipe with a hacksaw when he sees he's on camera.}

RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older folks about a little secret that we all share. It's about something called wisdom. You know what? We may not have as much of it as the young people think we do. Now, I know we all know the fastest route to the cottage, and we know the best food and the best music and the best TV shows. That's more a sign of our minds narrowing, not deepening. When I was little, I thought all old people were wise, until they'd open their mouths and started spouting off. Then I'd realize, "What a stupid old coot." So as you get on in years, if you can learn anything, learn to fake wisdom, alright? With silence. If you don't have a knowing brain, fake it with a knowing smile. Because when you nod and smile, people will think, well... {nods and smiles a few times} Exactly. And in extreme cases, you can add a wink and a little chuckle. 'Cause you know wink and you chuckle, you know what that says? Well, that says... {winks and chuckles, while continuing to nod and smile} Remember, I'm pullin' for ya, because, well... {nods, smiles, winks and chuckles again, only to suddenly start coughing}

Plot Segment 3
{Red and Harold enter the lodge, Red looking at a clipboard and Harold gleefully making steering motions with his hands.}

RED GREEN: Well, that wasn't too bad, Harold. Old Lady Benkman yelled a lot, but I think those shrubs were already dead.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh-ho, that Possum Van's big, huh?

RED GREEN: Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Ooh, that's got some power there, I'll tell ya!

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah. Actually, I meant to tell you, it will go faster than seven miles an hour.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but you know, I just was trying to maintain a safe speed limit. {makes more steering motions}

RED GREEN: Well, it's not a golf cart, Harold, you know. When you stop for a hitchhiker and they say, "No, thanks, I'm in a hurry," that's a clue. As a matter of fact, any time you can smell your own exhaust, that's nature saying, "Pick up the pace."

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, that's good, okay. I can pick up the pace, I can do that. How were the turns?

RED GREEN: Uh, interesting. I don't think you're letting go of the steering wheel soon enough, you know? Unless you meant to make the u-turn in the tunnel.

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head} No, okay, again, a good point. Okay, I'll try to remember that. {points to his right-hand fingers with his left index finger} All right, so, like, I gotta pick up the pace, I gotta work on the turns...

RED GREEN: Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: I got brakes down cold, though.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy! Huh? You really slapped the binders on there, huh? Yeah. The windshield's hard, isn't it? {Harold nods as Red writes on the clipboard} How's your head?

HAROLD GREEN: I'm gonna have a lump, yeah.

RED GREEN: Ohhh!

Auto Biography
''{A car is seen driving through a garage in the lodge, with Mike in the driver's seat, Red seated beside him and Harold seated in the back seat. Mike drives up close to the camera, turning the steering wheel several times. Red braces for the car to crash. Mike stops the car, but not before it bumps into the camera, shaking it briefly. Everyone gets situated in their seats.}''

RED GREEN: All right, uh, welcome to "Auto Biography", where, uh, members of Possum Lodge get to have remembrances of cars gone by. Got Mike Hamar here. Mike's gonna tell us his favorite car of all time. {to Mike} Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Ah, that's easy, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Yeah...

MIKE HAMAR: Corvette Stingray.

RED GREEN: Oh boy.

MIKE HAMAR: What a set of wheels. Who could resist a 'vette? Not me.

RED GREEN: {chuckles} No. {nods} That was a beautiful car, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh yeah. I remember the first 'vette I took out for a spin. It was sitting there, parked in front of the convenience store there, and, uh, keys in the ignition there, idling... Man!

RED GREEN: So you didn't actually own the Corvette?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, no, but, uh, you know, for an hour, it was mine. And fast! I mean, she could run– outrun any police cruiser on the road, you know. I mean, that is one great car. Now, I knew guys who used to boost a 'vette, and then they'd sell it for parts. I mean, to me, that is criminal! It's criminal! Cutting up a 'vette, I mean, huh!

HAROLD GREEN: You know, uh, Mr. Hamar, you might wanna remind our viewers that, y'know, car theft of any kind is a bad thing to do. A bad thing to do.

MIKE HAMAR: {realizing} Oh! Oh yeah! Well, oh, yeah, for sure! Um, you know, I love 'vettes, but I now know that a few hours of fun is not worth two to five in minimum security. So I would say if you want a Corvette, buy one.

RED GREEN: Yeah, but they are expensive, though, are they not?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, yeah, they are expensive, yeah, but if you find the right bank, like on a Friday, when they've got a lot of cash...

RED GREEN: {sways head in annoyance, then holds up one hand} Mike, now, remember how that ended?

MIKE HAMAR: {realizing again} Oh yeah, that's right, that's right. Oh, yeah, you're right, Mr. Green. I don't do that no more.

RED GREEN: Oh, okay, good, Mike. Maybe what you need to do, you know, work hard, save your money, build up a credit rating, and you can get yourself your own Corvette. You know, one that you actually own.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, right, and then some loser comes along and swipes it for a joyride? No, thanks. {Red shrugs}

Commercial bumper: Fan contributions
{A slab of stone is displayed with an image of a grinning Harold carved into it.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Thanks to our buddy, Jim Jackson, for this carving of Harold.

Plot Segment 4
{Harold reads the driver's manual as Red enters the lodge with a look of frustration on his face.}

RED GREEN: All right, Harold, we got the van down off the gazebo. We can go again if you're sure which pedal is which now.

HAROLD GREEN: {annoyed} I panicked! I panicked, okay? Well, it's your fault! You told me, "alphabetical order".

RED GREEN: Right! {holds up right and left hands, in that order} Brakes, gas – alphabetical order!

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I thought you meant {holds up left and right hands, in that order} "accelerator, brakes"!

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Well, even if it is "accelerator", "E" comes after "B"! Come on, let's go. {starts heading for the door}

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, no, no. No more driving for me. Forget that. {looks at manual} I'm just gonna concentrate on the manual.

RED GREEN: Well, your test is in two hours there, young man.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I know. {turns pages in manual} So help me with this one. Help me with this one, okay? {reads from manual} "Two drivers approach an unmarked intersection at the same time. Who has the right of way?"

RED GREEN: The guy in the big truck.

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head and points to manual page} No, no, the guy on the right always has the right of way.

RED GREEN: Unless the other guy has the big truck.

HAROLD GREEN: {holding up manual to Red} Uncle Red, check the manual.

RED GREEN: Harold, check the cemetery.

Red's Teen Talk
{Red walks around outside the lodge, wearing a yellow slicker and holding an old hand drill.}

RED GREEN: I see a lot of you kids are lookin' for part-time work. I think that's great. Get yourself a little extra money, buy something your parents think is stupid. Unfortunately, you're gonna come face-to-face with a sad fact of life: minimum wage. You're expected to give up all your Friday nights and weekends for a paper hat, French fry basket, and four bucks an hour. If it was up to me, I'd give you five times that much for wearing the dorky uniform. But it's not up to me. Minimum wage is just one of those things life throws at you. It's a door we all pass through. It may be the only door you pass through. So work hard, tough it out. In no time, you'll find you're making twenty, thirty, maybe even forty cents above minimum wage. You'll be on Easy Street!

The Experts
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to my favorite portion of the show, that part where we examine those words men find so hard to say... {gestures toward audience}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: {giving a double thumbs-up, laughing} Excellent! Way to go! Okay, now, on the Experts portion this week, joining my Uncle Red Green, of course, is his best friend in the whole wide room, {gestures toward the one who has joined Red...} Mr. Dalton Humphrey!

''{The audience applauds and cheers. Red and Dalton smile, and Red waves.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, our first letter goes as follows: {reads letter} "Dear Experts, I want to cook vegetarian, but meat is all my husband will eat. How can I get him to eat a balanced diet?" {holds up index finger} Ahhhh!

RED GREEN: Well, I think you gotta remember here, there are– there are {holds up two fingers} two major food groups. There's meat and there's salt. So your husband's already halfway there.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Haven't you forgotten, like, you know, dairy and– and, uh, fruits and vegetables and grains?

RED GREEN: Well, no, we haven't forgotten them, Harold, we just figure that if you can't say anything good about something...

DALTON HUMPHREY: {points} Amen.

RED GREEN: Yeah. {Harold rolls his eyes}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, for a... for a healthy, balanced, uh, male diet, you want to vary your kinds of meat. Variety of cuts, variety of grades, variety of barbecue sauce... You know, around our home, we will have as many as seventeen different kinds of meat in a week.

HAROLD GREEN: Seventeen different kinds of meat?! {laughs} What butcher shop are you goin' to, Mr. Humphrey?

DALTON HUMPHREY: I don't need a butcher shop, Harold, when you live near the highway.

{The audience laughs again.}

HAROLD GREEN: {disgusted} Ohhh... {shakes head} No, no!

RED GREEN: So, uh, you're eatin' the roadkill, are you there, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: We're eating all-natural, organically-raised, free-range, automotively-processed food products.

RED GREEN: {amused} So, uh, Dalton, like, uh... How do you cook, you know, the roadkill thing?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, it's not hard, you know. Most of it's already grilled.

''{Dalton laughs, and after a moment, Red laughs, too. He nudges Harold on the shoulder in the process. Harold remains poker-faced.}''

RED GREEN: But– But it's got– That's gotta be tough. That's some tough meat there.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, yeah, some of it's already been pounded to pemmican, but you know, at the point of impact, it's always pretty tender. And what you want to do is presentation, because there's nothing like presentation...

RED GREEN: Oh, that's true.

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...to enhance the flavor.

RED GREEN: Yeah...

DALTON HUMPHREY: So what we'll do, we'll paint a white line down the center of the dining room table. And we'll serve our meal sometimes on a hubcap.

RED GREEN: {amused} Oh, yeah! I can just picture your whole family, eh, bowin' their heads for grace. {they both bow their heads and fold their hands together in prayer} "Look both ways before you cross." Eh? {they laugh again} Yeah, I think so.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah, and you know, sometimes we'll sing a couple of verses: "I got my kicks on Route 66"! {they both laugh again}

HAROLD GREEN: {very much disturbed by what's going on} Well, I hope you two clowns just remember: {points at them} you are what you eat! {laughs}

RED GREEN: Well, you know, that– that's true, Harold. Tell us more about your vegetables.

Plot Segment 5
{Red enters the lodge, holding a shovel.}

RED GREEN: Well, Harold went down for his drivin' test there, so I would think the examiner will be submitting her resignation any moment now.

''{The front door opens and Harold enters, holding something in his hand. He is quite excited as he jumps up and down. He then runs up to this uncle.}''

HAROLD GREEN: I GOT IT!!! I GOT IT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT! {dances around in front of Red} I got it, I got it! What's that?! It! I got it, it, it, it! {he waves what he's holding in his hand in Red's face}

RED GREEN: ...How'd it go?

HAROLD GREEN: I got it! {Red nods} I got 61% on the written test, which made up for the driving part, which started out bad in the eye exam, but I was looking into the copy machine, so...

RED GREEN: Can't believe you got your license, Harold. Congratulations.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Thank you, yeah! And you know? You're a big part of this. I have you to thank for.

RED GREEN: Well, I guess having a good teacher can make all the difference. I know my third year in grade nine was a whole new world.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's not that. The head driving examiner, he figured if I got my license, I'd be driving everywhere instead of you! {laughs} Said it was the lesser of two evils, and I got it!

{Suddenly, the "Squeal of the Possum" is heard.}

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time, meeting time! {holds up driver's license} I can't wait to show the guys. {laughs and runs to the basement stairs} I GOT IT!

RED GREEN: {looking into camera} Well, if my wife is watching, I'll be, uh, coming straight home after the meeting. {points offscreen} I think I'm gonna let Harold there drive me home, so you might wanna duct-tape some tires to the front of the house and wait under the basement stairs 'til they give me the all-clear. {to audience} And to the rest of you, thanks for watching, and on behalf of myself and {gestures behind himself} Mr. Unsafe-At-Any-Speed, and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, {waves} keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red turns and heads for the basement, taking his shovel with him. Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Red comes down the stairs, while Harold already stands at the front of the meeting.}''

HAROLD GREEN: I got my license. I got a license. I got a license. I'll be driving, now that I got a license, you know? Anybody needs a ride somewhere?

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Harold, what are you doing?

HAROLD GREEN: I got my license. I got one of those.

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Harold! Harold! Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: It's no big deal.

{Everyone takes their places in the meeting.}

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time! Meeting time! Meeting time! You need a license to have a meeting.

RED GREEN: Shut up, Harold!

{Everyone crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni...

{Cut to the show information, showing the phone number and website URL of www.redgreen.com.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} To join Possum Lodge or to get yourself some Possum Lodge merchandise, call 1-800-YPOSSUM. Or if you're a techno-geek, check out Harold's home page on the Internet.