The Mayor Race/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Mayor Race

Opening Scene
{Red is standing out in a dirt area leaning against the front of the Possum Van.}

RED GREEN: Work is bad, eh? And digging post holes is the worst, unless you have the right tool. And of course, we do. {sprays an area of dirt with a garden hose, then sets a stick jack up under the front bumper of the van} Now all you have to do is jack squat. Get yourself a jack and squat. {starts operating the jack, which drives the post into the ground} And the heavier the vehicle and the wetter the hole, the deeper your post hole. Remember, any tool can be the right tool.

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The Red Green Show! And now, here's the man who turned television on its ear and got stuck up its nose, your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves while the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much! Thank you, appreciate it. Hey, you know what? It's election time here in the Possum Lake area. Looks like another shoo-in for our mayor, Wally Kibler. We call him Kickback Kibler.

HAROLD GREEN: I do not know how this guy keeps getting re-elected!

RED GREEN: Well, nobody runs against him. That helps. The guy is such a crook.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, see, that's it. Everybody just complains about him. You can't just complain about him. You gotta do something.

RED GREEN: Well, people like complaining, Harold. It feels good, it makes you feel important, and you don't have to do anything.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but it's not gonna get us a new mayor. That's what we need, is another candidate! Yeah! And I was actually thinking of throwing my own hat in the ring.

RED GREEN: You don't have a hat.

HAROLD GREEN: That's true, but... you do!

RED GREEN: {surprised} Oh! You think I might make a good mayor, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Absolutely! Yeah! You said it yourself, people love to complain. With you as mayor, they'd have a million reasons.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today, Mr. Mike Hamar is playing for ''one million dollars! Wa ha ha!''

{Mike cheers enthusiastically.}

HAROLD GREEN: {holds up a lottery ticket} Provided he scratches three identical symbols. Uncle Red!

''{Mike looks disappointed, then covers his ears. Harold picks up the word sign.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Mike Hamar to say this word: {turns the word sign around to the audience} Married. Married.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay. {sets the sign down} Go!

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, two people joined legally.

MIKE HAMAR: Cellmates?

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, you're at a wedding, all right? The bride and groom get...

MIKE HAMAR: Lucky!

RED GREEN: Okay, okay Mike, Bernice and I. We are...

MIKE HAMAR: Old?

RED GREEN: {points to his wedding ring} Hey, hey, hey, hey!

MIKE HAMAR: Home Shopping Network?

RED GREEN: Come on!

HAROLD GREEN: You're almost out of time, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: All right, all right, Mike, there's a song: "I'm Getting Something In the Morning".

MIKE HAMAR: You're getting something in the morning?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, that's unusual for a married guy.

''{Red starts ringing the bell. Mike looks confused for a moment, then cheers. Harold hands him the lottery ticket, and he starts scratching it off.}''

Plot Segment 2
''{Red and Harold walk into the Lodge. Harold is laughing.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, man. I don't know if that was such a great idea.

HAROLD GREEN: No, it's great! I am so very proud of you! Running for mayor? {laughs} That's great! You ever run for anything before?

RED GREEN: Cover.

HAROLD GREEN: No, this is– no, this is so different. This is gonna be different, because we're gonna run a good, clean campaign. We're gonna knock mayor Kibler right out of office!

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, you're my campaign manager, and I'm running, okay? That's two votes. Then we got Bernice, that's three.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah.

RED GREEN: If they get the same turnout they had last year, we're gonna need eight more votes to win.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but you're forgetting our major advantage.

RED GREEN: What's that?

HAROLD GREEN: You're a television star. {laughs} Okay, y'know, not a star, but, like, a personality!

RED GREEN: Personality, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: It's not a good personality, but... We need a slogan! That's what we need. We need a slogan.

RED GREEN: Oh, you know, I'm thinking, you know what? Jerry Springer, he was mayor of Cincinatti, wasn't he?

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} ...That's not going to help us right now. {starts looking around} A slogan...

RED GREEN: We need a phrase. You know, they have those posters and little buttons, and you see, the politicians, they go, and they get the Winnebagos, they drive–

{Harold drags a deer decoy over next to Red.}

RED GREEN: ...I would love that. A '37 Ferrari. I'd get in there, and I'd get the automatic, and the microwaves, and the– {Harold pulls Red's hand and sets it on the decoy's back} What's the– Harold, what's the decoy for? What's going on?

HAROLD GREEN: {goes to the edge of the room and takes out a camera} Well, I'm just gonna take a picture for the slogan.

RED GREEN: Slogan? What's our slogan?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, isn't it obvious? "The Buck Stops Here."

{Harold snaps a photo of Red, who's leaning on the decoy looking confused.}

Red's Campfire Song
RED GREEN:
 * If you're looking to marry later in life,
 * I know how you can find a good wife.
 * A woman who's savvy, who knows the score.
 * A woman who's seen it all before.
 * Oh, marry a widow. Someone who can't be fooled.
 * Listen, kiddo, you're the kind who needs to be ruled.
 * A widow will scare ya off, like nobody can,
 * Especially if she killed her first old man.
 * Especially if she killed her first old man.

Handyman Corner
{Red gets out of the Possum Van next to a shed and starts walking toward the camera.}

RED GREEN: Y'know, almost everybody in the world has a dream. Some dream about maybe traveling in space, or finding a cure for disease. Maybe finally having world peace. Me? I have a dream. Never actually told anybody this. I dream of not getting any electrical bills. {walks up next to the Handyman Corner sign} So this week, on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna make my dream come true. Now you know, the cheapest form of electricity is water falling through a turbine. They call that "hydro". Not "hydra". No no, Hydra is a mythical beast with nine heads that can't be killed. You don't want that. You want "hydro". Like Niagara Falls? Where the honeymooners go, y'know, to get the sparks flying.

{Red walks over to a workbench, which has a hamster cage sitting on it.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, how do you make a turbine? Well, a turbine is basically just a water wheel, {lifts up the cage and reaches inside - the mouse starts hissing at him} which is the same as one of those– get away– {continues reaching for the mouse wheel} one of those exercise– get away! Exercise wheels in a hamster–

''{The hamster bites Red's hand. He quickly grabs the wheel and closes the cage. The hamster can be heard chuckling.}''

RED GREEN: Vicious little fellow. See what happens when you get too much exercise? {holding up the exercise wheel} All right, so all we gotta do is mount this wheel on the shaft of a car alternator like that one, {indicates an alternator sitting on bench} and that's our hydro generator done! Now all we have to do is put the whole thing into some falling water. {goes the corner of the building} And what you can do is, you've got lots of options here. What you can do is go to one of your downspouts there, cut a slot in the side, {indicates a slot cut in the side of the downspout} and you'll mount the unit on there with the wheel inside, see? Then when the water falls off the roof, the wheel spins, cranks up the generator, and you've got electricity! {gets up and heads back to the bench} All right, the problem there is that you only get electricity when it rains, which is fine if you live in England or Vancouver. But for normal people, we need a more constant source of falling water. {picks up a drain pipe} So I suggest instead what you do is you get a piece of your normal household drain pipe, and you mount your turbine unit in that. {inserts the wheel into a slot cut out of the pipe} Cut a slot there, stick 'er right in there. And then you stick this into the main drain in the basement of your house, and that way all the water running down the drain from your sink or your bathtub, your washing machine, your shower or your toilet or whatever is gonna generate electricity. Heck, you get a couple dozen beer drinkers over there, you can light up a stadium. {sets the pipe down} But I'm getting ahead of myself. First thing we gotta do is mount the wheel onto our car alternator here.

{Red sets down the hamster wheel and picks up the alternator, which falls apart in his hands and dumps rust all over the bench.}

RED GREEN: All right, she's rusted out a little. That's a setback. But, you know, one of the great things about the Lodge is there's kind of an unlimited source of car alternators in various parts... {starts looking around} Oh, yeah! {walks over to a nearby car} Unfortunately, most of them are still in their original package.

{Red checks to see if anyone is watching, then lifts up the hood of the car.}

RED GREEN: Well, finders keepers.

''{Red tries to remove the alternator with a wrench. The wrench slips, and he hops around in pain, then kicks the front of the car. He uses a long pole to try to lever the alternator out, then pounds on it with a sledgehammer. Wipe to a later scene - Red is standing back at the bench holding a power strip with numerous cords and attachments plugged into it.}''

RED GREEN: All right, if the mountain won't come to Mohammed, we'll just add a few extension cords. {plugs in another cord to the strip, then walks to the car} And also, we've gone to a different system, because it's a better system, and also because {slaps the engine} that alternator wasn't coming out of there without some kind of nuclear intervention. We're still going to get our power off the alternator, but we're gonna take it right out of the car. {gets into the car and holds up a cord attached to the cigarette lighter plug} Now we're cooking with gas. Well, actually, a cigarette lighter. {plugs the cord into the cigarette lighter} And you know, there's a lot of benefits to this, eh? It's safer than normal electricity, because it's only twelve volts, and it's gotta be cheaper because we're not going anywhere in the car! I don't really see a downside. Unless the owner shows up. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{Red starts the car, which immediately starts spewing steam and smoke. Cut to a shot of Dalton inside the Lodge solving a crossword. The lights start flickering around him, and he looks up, confused. Cut back to the car. The radiator cap pops off, sending a column of steam into the air for a second.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to you guys who, when you were a kid, really admired those tough TV heroes. You know the guys I mean. The ones that were outcasts, standing tall, alone, ready to take on anyone. And now that you're an adult, you've been there, haven't you? An outcast, standing tall, alone. Usually out in front of your own home. You might even have been tempted to draw a line in the driveway and make a stand. And it might have worked if anybody had looked out the living room window. But you're smart enough to realize that lying comfortably in your own bed is better than standing tall in the tool shed. Sure, sucking up and apologizing hurts. It hurts bad. I mean, the grovelling alone can feel like you're going to die. But you know what? You're tough. Married tough. And if you're not hurting, you're not trying. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
''{Harold is standing in the Lodge with his switcher. Red walks in.}''

RED GREEN: Well, I've been driving all over town in the Possum Van campaigning. Man, I love the smell of exhaust fumes in the morning. Smells like victory.

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, Uncle Red. Kickback Kibler has a lot of friends in the business community. I mean, the civil service, the PTA, y'know, all the church groups...

RED GREEN: Yeah? Who do we have?

HAROLD GREEN: Moose Thompson and Stinky Peterson. Old Man Sedgewick said he's leaning your way, but I think he was referring to his bad posture.

RED GREEN: Don't worry, Harold. My campaign promises are winning everybody over. {hands a pamphlet to Harold} Hi, I'm Red Green. Vote, for a change. I'm really getting into this.

HAROLD GREEN: {reads the pamphlet} Oh, these are good! "I promise not to raise taxes? I promise to increase spending on education?"

RED GREEN: Yeah, but not too much. They get too smart, they won't vote for me.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, don't you worry about that. "I promise full employment and more happiness? I promise good weather on every weekend?" How do you plan on keeping that one?

RED GREEN: Well, I'm going with a flexible work week on that, Harold. If it's a nice day, it's a Saturday.

HAROLD GREEN: I don't– Uncle Red, please, you gotta know there's no way you can keep these promises.

RED GREEN: Oh, I know. That's number twelve. Yeah, voters don't expect you to keep your promises, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you've got a debate in like two hours with your opponent. People are expecting good platforms and good ideas.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, they are not. I tried that and nobody liked it. Now I just give 'em what they want.

HAROLD GREEN: ha ha! False hope and lies?

RED GREEN: Yeah, and you thought I'd make a lousy politician. {laughs and walks to the door}

New Member Night
''{Red is standing in the basement in front of a group of gathered Lodge members. Next to him are Earl Battersby and an older man with a prominent beard.}''

RED GREEN: All right, guys, as you know, it's New Member Night, and Earl Battersby is here with a guy he's presenting for a new membership, and, uh... just don't judge a book by its cover, all right?

EARL BATTERSBY: Thank you, Red. Gentlemen, tonight I want you to open your minds to the possibility of other realities. That maybe some people are not like you. For example, take Elmo Ray Thornton here. Elmo's an unusual human being. Sure, he appears slow-witted. He's boring to talk to. He may be a little standoffish, and maybe he doesn't bathe as often as you or me or– or a cat, but that's what happens when people are abducted by aliens! Yes, I have concrete evidence that Elmo was kidnapped by extraterrestrials early last summer. And he has interesting markings on the lower back side of his body he would be happy to show any skeptic. But if that's not enough proof for you, take a close look at him. {reaches over and holds Elmo's beard} Recognize him? Hmm? Maybe you remember him as Ellie May Thornton! That's right, again, prior to the alien abduction! And he came back with a whole new handle. This man has suffered enough. Please make him a new member of the Possum Lodge, so he can take that first step on the path of a normal life. Thank you.

RED GREEN: {standing up} All right, uh, all those in favor? {nobody raises their hands}

EARL BATTERSBY: Well, if you're not convinced, we can show you the markings on his backside if you'd like.

''{Red urgently raises his hand high. The rest of the men follow suit.}''

RED GREEN: {shakes Elmo's hand} Congratulations, Elmo, you're in the club.

ELMO: Thanks.

Plot Segment 4
''{Dalton and Red are standing at separate podiums in the Lodge basement in front of a gathered group of people. The people are all talking amongst themselves.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Welcome to the candidates' debate. {taps his podium} People, would you just settle down, please, come on now. Will you just sit– The sooner we get started, the sooner we can finish and the sooner we can get to the free beer and sandwiches. {everyone suddenly goes quiet and watches attentively} Okay. Welcome everyone to the candidates' debate for the mayor of Possum Lake. I'm Dalton Humphrey, I'm your moderator, and it is my pleasure to introduce the candidates. Gives you some idea of how little pleasure there is in my life. {sighs} Not that I blame anyone but myself, I was the one who told my daughter she could move back to home after getting expelled from manicurist college. I just nailed my foot to the floor. I should have used better judgment, but I–

RED GREEN: {leans in, interrupting} Dalton... {sits down again}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sorry. Now, our first man up has lived all his life in Possum Lake. Red Green.

RED GREEN: {stands up} Thank you very much. Vote for me, and it will be a–

DALTON HUMPHREY: Red, I'll ask you just to wait until I've introduced all the other candidates?

RED GREEN: All right. Vote for me.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yes. Our ne– Thank you, Red. Our next candidate is the incompetent– {rolls his eyes in irritation} The incumbent... Who rewrote this?

RED GREEN: I took a run at it.

DALTON HUMPHREY: The incumbent, Wally Kickback– {gasps in irritation again} Wally Kibler.

RED GREEN: {looks at an empty podium next to him} Look at that. He didn't even have the guts to show up.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, it's not like him to miss free beer and sandwiches. Well, anyway, our third candidate {Red looks surprised and a little worried} is a man who just announced his candidacy perhaps less than an hour ago, Harold Green.

RED GREEN: What?!

{Harold stands up from the crowd and puts on a candidate's hat that reads "Vote for Harold".}

HAROLD GREEN: Thank you, thank you very much, thank you. Thank you. {makes finger-kissing motions to the crowd}

RED GREEN: Hey, wait a sec, wait!

HAROLD GREEN: What? I can do it!

RED GREEN: I can't believe this, Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: What's that?

RED GREEN: Well, if I knew you were taking part, I would never have told Kibler it was cancelled. {looks back at Dalton}

''{Harold and Dalton both point at Red. Harold laughs at him.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, Red, if you prevented another candidate from attending, I might have to take disciplinary action.

RED GREEN: No, don't worry about that. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm withdrawing from the mayor race right now.

HAROLD GREEN: What? What are you doing that for?

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, I don't mind mud-slinging strangers. I don't wanna be doing it with family.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, that's a good idea. Because I know way too much about you.

RED GREEN: And how long could I go without saying the phrase "bed-wetting"? Besides, Harold, if you and I are going after the same thing, I must have made a horrible mistake somewhere. {puts his arm around Harold} So I'm telling you right now, I'm throwing my support behind Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I hope you washed it first.

Talking Animals
{Red walks into the Lodge, leaving the door open behind him, and walks up to where Ed Frid is standing behind a large cage.}

RED GREEN: This is a special feature of the show called "You and Your Animal", hosted by local animal control officer Ed Frid. Welcome, Ed. {Ed looks uncomfortable and nods to the audience} You know, probably some of our viewers remember Garth Harble. He was another animal control offi– Garth worked with you, did he, Ed?

ED FRID: Yeah.

RED GREEN: Is he still down there?

ED FRID: {shaking his head up and down} No. Got bitten by a toad, he retired. Medical reasons, terrible.

RED GREEN: Boy, I never would have thought a toad bite was that serious.

ED FRID: It can be. Can be, yeah. And Garth lost his nerve. Yeah, yeah, once you lose your nerve in this business, you're gone. It's over. You're dead, you're meat! You're red meat! You're dead, red meat!

RED GREEN: Okay, uh, okay Ed. So what did you bring for us today?

ED FRID: Oh! Uh, muskrat! Like a beaver, but smaller. Skinnier tail, and the muskrat is, well, it's more rat.

''{The muskrat suddenly squirts Ed twice with a yellowish liquid. He tries to shake off the liquid and wrinkles his nose. Red holds his nose and looks unpleasant.}''

ED FRID: And more musk!

RED GREEN: Yeah. Hoo...

ED FRID: Here, I'll show you. {opens the cage}

RED GREEN: Oh, oh, Ed, is this a good idea?

ED FRID: Probably not. {pulls up his sleeves} Okay, here we go. {reaches into the cage} C'mere, little guy! Come on, come on! Oh! Oh!

{Ed grabs the muskrat, which becomes very agitated and tries to attack him.}

ED FRID: Whoawhoa, easy, easy! Oh! I got him, whoa, whoa, I got him, I got him! Whoa!

{Ed holds up the muskrat for a moment, then it slips out of his hands and runs out the door.}

RED GREEN: He's out the door! {hands Ed a canoe paddle} Here, take the paddle. Go get him!

''{Ed chases the muskrat out the door and off to one side, then runs across the door the other way. He comes back thrusting the paddle at the muskrat, then watches as the animal runs off into the distance.}''

ED FRID: {stumbles back into the Lodge} And that's what a muskrat looks like. {wipes his chest} And smells like. {holds up the paddle, which has several large bites taken out of it} and bites like.

RED GREEN: Thank you, Ed.

Plot Segment 5
{Red walks into the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, kinda looks like Kibler's gonna win the election there, but... won't know until for sure until Harold gets here with the final results.

''{Harold stumbles into the Lodge carrying a life-size dummy of himself. The dummy is dressed identically to Harold and has a paper bag for a head. The dummy's clothes are singed. Harold walks up next to Red. Harold's hat has been busted open.}''

RED GREEN: {long pause} How'd it go?

HAROLD GREEN: Not great. Kibler got re-elected and then tried to burn me in effigy! Well, I don't care, I gave it my best shot. I'm not gonna change who I am just to get elected.

RED GREEN: And you'd have to, believe me, buddy.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. I'll be right down, all right?

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. {heads for the stairs, still carrying his dummy}

RED GREEN: {to the camera} If my wife is watching, I've given up on being mayor. But I'm hoping to have another shot at being stallion. {to the audience} And thanks to the rest of ya for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. {waves and heads for the stairs}

{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh! Take your seats, take your seats! Here he comes! Sit down. He likes it when everyone's sitting down, so can you get to your seats, get comfortable, everyone's sitting. {Red stands next to Harold} Okay, all rise!

{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone but Harold sits}

HAROLD GREEN: Um, our newly re-elected mayor Kibler would like me to extend his thanks for your continued support of him as mayor. And he'd like to ask me to ask you for your continued support for his continued support of Possum Lodge. So... {takes off his hat and holds it upside-down in front of Red} Uncle Red, if you'd like to start the gratuities...

RED GREEN: Oh man... {reaches for his wallet} Oh...

HAROLD GREEN: Come on, put it in. It's better than paying taxes!