Green Green/Transcript

The complete transcript for Green Green

Title sequence
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, the scene cuts to a shot of Harold holding up a sign reading "Teachers are People II" and pointing to his own head.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} This is Red Green. In today's show, Harold salutes his teachers...

{Cut to a shot of Bill looking down at something at his feet and not being able.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Bill gets stuck in the mud...

''{Cut to a shot of Red sitting in a lawn chair, the webbing of which he accidentally tore by sitting through with his rear now stuck in the seat. He struggles with the chair.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'm gonna give you the lowdown on how to fix your lawn chair.

''{Cut to an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshots appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.}''

Red's Campfire Song 1
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by tapping a plastic gas container.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, when I was a lad, my dad would take me
 * Down to Possum Lake.
 * We'd build a raft out of logs and empties,
 * Then we'd lie in the sun and bake.
 * We'd paddle out for a mile or more
 * Till the shore was starting to dim.
 * Then good old Dad would set the raft on fire,
 * And that's how he taught me how to swim.

Handyman Corner
''{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another part of the lodge, where Red stands next to a worktable. On the table is a lawn chair.}''

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you fine furniture restoration that will not only enhance the beauty, but will also add to the value {gestures toward chair} of this beautiful old antique aluminum lawn chair. {picks up chair and sets down on floor} Now, what happens with these units is, unless you're one of those purists that brings it in for the winter, is that they sit out there in the sun and the sleet and the rain and the hail and the icicles and the tornadoes and the thunderstorms and the monsoons, if you live near the coast. And what happens is, you get a chemical change in the webbing here where this soft, plastic, pliable, durable stuff turns into kind of a crystallized, crunchy, gray and white (?) substance, {sits down in chair} and, uh, next thing you know, your barbecue guests sit down and, uh... {accidentally sits through webbing; his backside is now stuck in chair} spill their hot dogs and beer all over their leisure suit. Not to mention the four-inch sliver from the deck that goes up through the seat of their pants in search of a new home. And before you know it, your dinner party goes from your backyard to small claims court. {struggles to get up, but is stuck; moves around} Now, this might look funny, and it is, but not if it happens to you. But instead of throwing the chair out in the garbage, or I should say, throwin' it in the garage with the idea that you're gonna fix it someday, for nine years or ten years or a hundred years, and then throwing it out, I'm gonna show you a way to restore this antique beauty back to as good as new. {struggles to get out of chair, but only moves chair around several inches} Oh boy! Glad I waxed the floor.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red had gotten out of the chair, which he has now placed on the worktable. He is using a saw to cut through the straps.}''

RED GREEN: All right, uh, once you got the straps, uh, cut through there, you just gotta {takes a pair of pliers} pop those metal clips off the top.

''{Red puts the pliers on one of the clips and tries to pull them out. But it doesn't budge. Instead, he manages only to shake the lawn chair around. He grunts with the effort.}''

RED GREEN: God! Those things are really on there!

''{Red then places the pliers on the chair again and then lifts it up into the air with them. He then swings the pliers around to get the metal clips off. However, with the pliers, he throws the chair across to the other end of the room. Off-screen, it lands somewhere with a crash. Red runs over to the chair. He is heard then again trying to pull off a metal clip. Again, he accidentally throws the chair across the room. Red runs after it again. Again, he tries to pull off a metal clip with the pliers, and again, he sends the chair flying across the room. Wipe to a later scene. Red throws the chair on the table. The lawn chair has finally gotten all the metal clips and the straps removed. All there is now is just the frame of the chair itself. Red walks up to the chair, holding the pliers, which has a piece of the strap in it.}''

RED GREEN: {groans} Oh boy! {coughs} All right, that's got her. {puts pliers on table, then picks up chair} Now what we have to do is put the webbing on there. {puts chair off to side} It's expensive stuff, I'll tell ya. Fifteen bucks a roll seems a little steep to fix a $2 lawn chair, don't you think? Luckily, I may not have money, but I have imagination. 'Course, I'd rather have money. {picks up a roll of ribbon on the table} So I suggest you use something else. Like maybe ribbon... {looks at ribbon closely} Although, now, the– the sides of that are pretty sharp, you know. You think a paper cut's bad? Try sliding your backside over that in your Speedo; that'll get your attention. Have your own checkerboard on there. {picks up a spool of lamp cord} Or you can use lamp cord. That'll work good. {examines the cord} That's not sharp on the edge at all. It comes in the brown, it comes in the white. It could be kind of attractive and... 'Course, I have a ton of this left over from that electric weaver's loom I made last year. {puts down cord and picks up some car seat belts} Or car seat belts, that would work. {examines seat belts} Well, you're sitting on them anyway. {shrugs} Might as well make it official. {picks up some skipping rope} Or you can even use a kid's skipping rope while they're at school. They don't mind you doing stuff like that. {drops the rope} Whatever it is you use, you want to attach it all on there {picks up a roll of duct tape} with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {pulls off a small bit of duct tape} Now, you can do it that. {pulls off some more duct tape} But I got a better idea.

''{Red starts to pull off a lot more duct tape. Wipe to a later scene. Red has covered the whole lawn chair in duct tape, all silvery and shiny.}''

RED GREEN: Look at that! Shiny silver frame, shiny silver webbing. Kinda looks like the Lone Ranger's lawn chair, doesn't it? And that shiny chrome look just, uh, just screams money as far as I'm concerned. Or maybe it just screams imagination. {puts chair on ground} And she is strong! I'll tell ya, your Aunt Orpha can sit in this baby. Let's try her out. {sits down in chair} Oh! Oh yeah! Oh, that's solid. That is solid. You got room for me in here and a fully-stocked cooler. And you know what you could do is you could, say, uh, make a patio umbrella and a hammock and– and even a garden trellis. Cover them all with duct tape; you get kind of a coordinated look. Can't beat that. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{Red waves and then stands up to get out of the chair. But the chair is stuck to him, the duct tape apparently having been put on sticky side up. He grunts while moving around, trying to pull the chair off of him.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, now, here's an added bonus: you can use the chair as a lint remover. {suddenly pushes chair off of him, making a popping sound; keels over and groans in pain} Or a hair remover! {walks away slowly, still keeled over} I forgot about the rip in those pants.

Endless Summer
''{Red is sitting on a bench on a hot summer day. He reads from a book.}''

RED GREEN: It is summer. A shotgun, a big hunting knife, leg hold traps, trip wires, pistols. You're armed and you're ready. And God help the neighbor who tries to use your pool.