The Possum Drop/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

I know it's important to have

your home nicely decorated,

especially if you want

your wife to continue

to live there.

I mean, a few dainty and

frilly decor items are fine,

here and there.

But you get too many

feminine touches in there

and the man starts to feel

disconnected from

his environment.

Whenever you see a guy move

a couch and beer fridge

into the garage

it's a pretty good bet that

his wife did all the

decorating.

You need some

masculine touches in

there somewhere, don't you?

For example:

A chandelier.

Flame-shaped light bulbs

and crystal baubles

is not gonna do it.

Instead, I suggest something

that's attractive

and practical

but still has y chromosome

stamped all over it.

Take a few rims off

of different sized bicycles,

put them together

with 40-pound fishing line

and then you wanna

hang some shiny lures,

bottle openers and mini

flashlights to the

outside edges.

This baby's

one of a kind.

The beauty of usin'

flashlights is

you'll have light

even if the power's off.

And you can set the mood

by the number of flashlights

that you have on.

See, this is not

just a chandelier,

it's a man-delier.

[ music plays ]

but you know the real beauty

is when dinner's over

you turn your dining room

into a disco.

Dinner and dancing without

ever leaving your house.

[ ♪ disco ]

cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

It's the start

of plum harvest.

But wait,

there's more.

Oh, yeah.

We always kick off

plum harvest

with a celebration

right here at the lodge.

Everybody meets

out in the parking lot,

and we tell our

favourite plum story.

Some of them are

more plum than others.

But the big finale

is the possum drop.

We drop a possum

down the flagpole.

Oh, my gosh,

unbelievable.

And we've got a

great big one this year,

so it's going

to be fantastic.

That guy galileo said

everything drops

at the same rate,

well, I'm guessin'

he never chucked a possum

out of his hotel window.

Uncle red!

Yeah?

I do not think I can

stand here any longer

and allow you to

get away with this.

Great,

where you goin'?

Nowhere!

And neither is that

defenceless little possum.

You cannot throw

an animal out of the sky

just for your

own entertainment.

[ sigh ]

he's not gonna

hit the ground.

It's a 40-foot drop,

the rope is only 39.

What's the point?

What does a falling possum

have to do with plum harvest?

Well...

It plummets.

You know, the origins

of the possum drop

are shrouded in

the mists of time.

And the haze

of alcohol.

Hey, red!

Yeah?

This fax just

came in for you.

And they agree

with you.

Fantastic.

Don't you wanna

know who it's from?

Not right away.

Let me enjoy

the moment.

It's a national

animal rights group.

Yeah, you asked them

for a court intervention

to stop the possum drop,

and they're doin' it!

What?

Yeah, why would

you do that?

Watchin' that

possum fall

is about the only fun

I have left in life.

I didn't know you

were the member of

an animal rights group.

Well, I'm not,

dalton.

Well, look, this a fax

is addressed to

mr. Green,

c/o possum lodge.

[ applause ]

it's time for

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives this coupon

for a free

physical evaluation

from port asbestos

piano movers.

Find out if you

can still carry a tune.

All right, cover you

ear hole things, dalton.

Mr. Green, you've

got 30 seconds

to get dalton

to say this word...

Yeah, yeah,

all right.

And... Go!

Uh, okay, dalton,

suggestion...

Stupid.

Um, clue...

Less.

Uh, okay, tip...

Don't get married.

Okay, s'posin' your

wife is upset with you,

but she doesn't wanna say

anything out loud.

Oh, ho, ho,

that'll be the day.

These things that

I've been sayin'

to help you guess

the word have all been...

Crap.

Oh, I know, I know.

This is an

expression you hear

when there's a whiff of

something in the air.

It wasn't me.

Uh, we're almost

outta time, mr. Green.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, supposing you come

home and anne marie's

waitin' there

in a skimpy outfit.

That would be a...

Miracle.

Trouble in paradise?

Ah, red, you know,

heh-heh,

I spend all my

free time at the lodge.

Does that give

you a hint?

There we go!

[ dalton yawning ]

dalton, you can't

be bored.

You've only been

out here nine hours.

I didn't sleep

well last night.

Ann marie keep you

up all night, did she?

No, her jalepeño

lasagna did.

Ah, I only sleep well

in prison.

Not at home,

that's for sure.

I mean, my mom

slams the fridge door

and yells,

lights out!

But it's not the same.

I sleep like a log.

That's a weird expression,

isn't it?

Sleep like a log?

How do we know logs

are well rested?

I've never seen one yawn.

I can sleep

anywhere, any time.

Well, I hope you don't

have cruise control.

I haven't slept one good

night in my whole life.

Well, dalton, you just

gotta let your mind go blank

and then you can

sleep anywhere.

Oh, sure,

that's easy to say,

but I got stuff

I gotta worry about.

If I didn't worry

about everything,

the whole world would

go to hell in a handcart.

How can I let

my mind go blank?

Well, conversations like

this are a pretty

good start.

So you're saying that

we have trouble sleeping

because we think

too much?

That can't

be right.

It's not

the thinking,

it's the worrying.

My whole face is

covered in worry lines.

Yeah, but they make

a nice pattern with

the liver spots.

You just gotta change

your attitude, dalton.

If you can fix something,

fix it.

If you can't fix it,

forget it.

Either way, there's no

point in worrying about it.

Well, that doesn't

always work.

Like, I had this

speeding ticket once

that I couldn't fix,

and so I forgot about it,

and, um, I lost my

license for two years.

[ applause ]

in the human

digestive system,

the nutrition is

represented by two separate

yet equally

important groups...

The mouth and stomach

who ingesticate food,

and the large intestines

who redistribute the offenders.

These are their stories.

Red:

Beautiful, aren't they?

You know, nothing

gets a man more excited

than a customized car.

Well, okay, there

is one other thing,

but a car's a lot

easier to get ahold of.

Plus a car won't

get mad at you

when you check out

other models.

And trading up

is a lot cheaper.

Okay, I better stop

in case bernice is

actually watchin' this.

But maybe for a

guy on a budget,

you have to skip

the four on the floor

and go directly to

two on the sidewalk.

But maybe there's

another option.

And this is gonna sound

blasphemous comin' from me,

but what about a...

Bicycle?

Just because

you ride a bike

doesn't mean you have

to look like a dufus.

Don't go by harold.

Not if you take a page out

of those car magazines

and customize your ride.

So today on

handyman corner,

I'm gonna show you how

to make a cool lookin' bike.

A de-nerdicycle.

Okay, right away,

how can you look cool

on a seat like that?

It's like stickin' your

butt on a bundt cake.

You need something

that says mack-daddy.

Whatever the heck

mack-daddy is.

I'm thinkin'

old car wash mitt.

Or as I like

to call it,

fun fur upholstery.

Okay, now, a lot

of the great cars today

are customized

to ride lower.

Teenagers like

everything ridin' lower...

Their cars,

their pants,

their marks.

Not to mention the

lyrics to their rap songs.

Okay, we can't go that low,

but we can drop

the bike a few inches

by extending the

forks on the front.

Get yourself some

old metal tubing --

another reason to

finally get that dish.

Pretty slick, huh?

Now, you're gonna need a

couple extra pieces

of brake cable

for the added distance

you stuck on the front wheel.

Fortunately for me,

dalton has a 12-speed bike

that he doesn't care about.

Well, I'm assuming

he doesn't care about it.

He didn't lock it up.

You know, one of the

hot looks on any hot rod?

Fender skirts,

which you can make yourself

out of one of these

flying saucer sleds.

Or if you're on a budget,

you can use

a garbage can lid.

Now, that's sexy, huh?

But those handle bars

still look a little dorky,

so I'm gonna go

with a leather cover

like they have on the steering

wheel of a 'maserooti'

I have a pair of moose

thompson's pants here

that I will never return,

because they could

be his only pair,

and I never wanna

see him like that.

Gonna take out the belt

and wind that around

the handle bars.

I may be able to

do the whole frame.

As the masseuse

said to the client,

it's all about

the little touches.

You know how those sharp cars

have the ground effects?

You know, those

crazy neon lights

down under the vehicle?

Well, I've done

the same thing

by just moving

the bike headlight

down under the unit.

I mean, a bike headlight

is useless anyway.

And now when she

says you gotta go home,

you can say,

I can't,

I've got no headlight.

And then, well,

you know.

She'll drive you home.

Now, for most

lodge members,

the volume of their exhaust

is a point of pride.

Every kid knows you can make a

bike sound like a motorcycle

by just having a

couple of playing cards

flicking against

the spokes.

But I've added a couple

of jokers to the deck

with these megaphones.

Speaking of which,

I replaced the bell with a

couple of truck air horns.

[ loud honk ]

because when you're involved

in a road rage confrontation,

you don't wanna be

the one doing the tinkling.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Now, we'll just get rid

of these dinky streamers,

and I'm gonna go

cruise the main drag.

[ honking ]

I wanna talk to all you guys

who have been married

for a while

and are spending almost

every minute of every day

with your wife.

Now, if I was the

head of the national

relationship security,

I'd be puttin' you

on elevated alert.

You are in a crisis

situation, my friend.

But I have the solution.

You need to find

a girlfriend.

Not for yourself.

You need to find a

girlfriend for your wife.

See, your wife has a lot of

interests that you don't,

and she needs to talk

about them to somebody,

somebody who cares about what

purse goes with what shoes.

Or whether some actor's

got botox injections.

Or anything, really.

If she doesn't

have a girlfriend,

that leaves you.

And she's even more upset

about that than you are.

Now, the first place to look

is the wives of your friends.

Because if your friends

are anything like you,

they're probably

in the same boat.

But even if it's a guy

you think is a real dink,

if your wife

likes his wife,

you're gonna have to

take one for the team.

Because if you're the only

friend your wife has,

your life will

become a living hell.

So go out there and

find her a girlfriend.

If you don't, she may go out

and find herself a boyfriend.

And that's bad news

for everybody,

including him.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all

in this together.

At rothschild's,

you don't pay a cent

until you smell one.

Boy, it's funny how things

have a way of working out.

Okay, we're not allowed

to drop the possum,

but we've come up

with a substitute

that everybody

is pretty happy with --

well, almost everybody.

[ laughter and applause ]

is this really

necessary?

You volunteered to

replace the possum.

Well, sometimes

when you get excited,

you say things

you regret later.

I know, those are called

marriage proposals.

So you really think

I should do this?

Yeah, you'll be safe

with it, harold.

In fact, I phoned

the animal rights people,

and once they found out

you were replacing the possum,

they were fine with it.

I might feel a little

better about this

if I thought I was

going to survive.

You're going

to be okay.

We beefed up the flagpole,

we got a heavier rope,

hey, I know.

Why don't you put a couple

of tires around you,

you know,

like that guy did

that went over

niagara falls.

I bet his honeymoon

was doing good, huh?

That way, even if

you hit something,

you'll probably just

bounce, like this.

See? See?

Okay, yeah, okay.

This might be fun.

Yeah!

Red: Okay, so four losers

had washed up on the beach.

And harold, when he

gets into a comic,

he gets into a comic.

They're just

sittin' there,

and they didn't notice

the two young girls --

well, I think bill

maybe didn't notice,

and walter for

sure didn't notice.

Very, very impressive.

Now he notices.

So all of a sudden

they're trying to make a --

oh, they have one of

those beach volleyballs.

I guess they wanna

play beach volleyball.

So the guys are

suddenly interested and --

get the magazine

off your face.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're

lookin' good.

Well, this is the advantage

of being in a small town.

There's not

a lot of choice.

They go over there.

Harold's a little

stand-offish,

which is usually

in his best interest.

Yes, harold,

uncle sam wants you.

So yeah, I guess those are

technically called shorts,

but I'm not sure.

So they decide they're going

to have harold on their team.

It's the first time harold's

been picked first

for anything in

his entire life.

So he's all excited

and over he comes.

I don't think

he was expecting

the girls to toss him

the ball in all fairness,

because he's usually a little

more coordinated than that.

Of course, the other

three are thinking,

we're looking good,

gonna win --

you know, harold's not looking

so dumb right now, is he?

Okay, let's get going.

Let's get

the game started.

So the first thing

that's gonna happen

is harold's gonna serve.

Yeah, you guys

are ready.

And harold's not as

athletic as he looks.

Oh!

Okay, that's unfortunate.

It's very tough to get

injured playing volleyball.

But I'm sure harold

can find a way.

And walter fires it

over the net to him.

Oh... Oh...

Oh, yeah.

All right, later that day

the girls are

winning majorly.

Oh.

Guess you can see

where this going.

And it gets to point where

it's getting pretty

ridiculous.

Harold's making

a sand castle,

and the girls are

spiking everything.

I think that was an attempt

to jump over the net

to congratulate them.

I don't know.

But harold comes

over and scorns them

like he was the one who

won the whole darned game.

Couldn't figure out why the

girls were so good,

and then when you looked at

their sports bag,

there was a bit

of a clue on there.

Apparently there was

some kind of national team.

[ applause ]

sometimes when

you have a beard,

you get accused of looking

scruffy all the time.

Here's some advice...

Don't take that

as a compliment.

The woman who's

making those accusations

is someone who can shave

you while you're asleep.

Just like delilah

did to samsonite.

Your wife might

even suggest

you shave your

beard right off.

Just show her a picture

of your clean shaven

grandfather.

That'll probably make

her come to her senses.

So instead of throwing out the

beard with the bath water,

just trim your beard

so the whiskers all

exactly the same length.

For example, I like my beard

to be 3/8 of an inch long.

Which happens to be the same

diameter as red licorice.

[ applause ]

well, the plum harvest

kick-off is going great.

Harold's all set for

his big possum drop there.

He's got a couple

of tires around him,

he'll be fine.

I think it's gotta

be the first time

he's worn rubber

for protection.

But I wanna make it

extra safe,

so I'm getting him an extra

layer of underwear,

because that costume

is a rental.

It's time!

C'mon red, he's goin!

No, no, it's safer

to watch him in

here, dalton.

Those tires can smash

into a million pieces.

Harold: Geronimo!

Boy, harold falls

faster than that possum.

I think it's the extra

weight of all that rubber.

I think he's gonna

hit the ground!

Holy cow!

He bounced!

He bounced again!

[ cheers and applause ]

he's headed

for the lake!

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah.

Uh... Okay,

if my wife is watching,

um, probably won't be coming

straight home after

the meeting.

Harold may have

a couple of injuries,

but I'm sure

he'll bounce back.

Now, now, now.

Come on.

You're good.

You're fine.

I'm fine?!

I'm fine?!

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't you

start whining.

You got off lucky.

Compared to what?!

Well, all the

other possums with

a tread mark on them.

Here you'll need this.

Oh, yeah.

And to the rest of you,

on behalf of myself

and whoever that was

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

come on, sit down.

Guys, come on in

and take your seats.

Hurry up, meeting's

coming to order.

Everybody sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

All right, harold,

I wonder if you

might mind

standing up just

for a minute?

Harold, on behalf

of the lodge,

I just wanted

to thank you

for doing a terrific

possum drop,

and we're wondering

if you'd mind doing

it one more time?

Not a chance!

What's the matter?

Too tired?

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