Coup De Grass/Transcript

The complete transcript for Coup De Grass

Opening Scene
''{Red walks along outside the lodge, wearing sunglasses. The Possum Van is parked behind him. He walks up to a pickup truck parked nearby.}''

RED GREEN: You know, I was looking for some better way of putting window tinting on my vehicle, and I got thinking... {points to his sunglasses} sunglasses are like window tinting for humans: {leans on truck's driver's side rear-view mirror} make you intimidating, mysterious or just plain cool.

{The camera pulls back to reveal the truck's windshield mounted with racks of sunglasses.}

RED GREEN: If sunglasses can do that for people, why can't they also do it for my truck? {leans on side of truck} 'Cause you get those do-it-yourself homemade window tinting kits, and they never go on even. After a few weeks, it starts to look like Lawrence Welk night at the seniors' home, all bubbles and wrinkles. And then at night, there's not enough light to see where you're going. Whereas with the handyman's window tinting system, {smiles} you're in control! {flips up lenses on his sunglasses} You just flip up your tint for maximum visibility.

{Red turns to the truck and flips a switch on the windshield, flipping up all the lenses on the sunglasses mounted on it.}

Intro
''{Red enters the lodge, holding a full sack in one hand and a bucket with grass growing out of it in the other. He waves with his hand holding the sack as the audience cheers. He sets the sack down and waves his hand again.}''

RED GREEN: All right. Thank you very much. Yeah, I appreciate that. Thank you very much! I got big news. We had what they call a "horticultural breakthrough" up at the lodge this week. I've got a product that I think every homeowner is gonna want to buy. {holds up bucket full of grass} I got a new kind of grass seed here! {holds up sack} See? Look at that, huh? Actually, it was created by accident, but who wasn't, huh? Yeah, what happened was, I, uh, I knocked over a shelf in the tool shed. It was quite a while ago. Some of the grass seed mixed down with some of the paint and the chemicals and so on on the dirt floor. {waves dismissively} I didn't think anything of it. But six months later, look at this! {holds up bucket of grass and points to grass} The grass grew this high, and then it stopped growing! Huh? Isn't that perfect?

{The front door opens and Dalton enters.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Red, I had a look at those lawnmowers of yours, and they're not worth much.

RED GREEN: Oh...

DALTON HUMPHREY: You got the mismatched wheels and– and the broom handles. You're gonna have trouble selling those, Red. I've never seen a wrench used as a lawnmower blade before, either.

RED GREEN: {waves dismissively} Dalton, I don't care if you have to sell 'em by the pound. {points to bucket of grass} I don't need 'em anymore.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {surprised} Well, you're not getting a riding mower?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no! {eagerly holds up bucket again} Look at this, Dalton! I got a new kind of grass seed. {looks closely at grass} Imagine a lawn that only grows that high.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looks at grass} Oh, boy. What'd you put on that, shortening? {laughs}

RED GREEN: {shaking head and waving dismissively} All right, you know... Now– Now, personally, I could listen to that kind of humor all day, you know. But luckily, this isn't the day, so... I'm gonna take the grass seed and I'm gonna reseed the whole lodge property.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {suddenly intrigued} Red, if we got a grass that only grows a couple inches... we could be sitting on a gold mine, you know? We should put out a big announcement!

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay, but let's wait 'til we sell the lawnmowers. Huh?

''{Red gives a thumbs-up to Dalton and turns to leave, laughing. Dalton taps his nose, then turns and follows Red out of the lodge.}''

The Friendly Side of Dynamite
''{Edgar walks across a field outside the lodge. He holds a remote detonator in his hand. Behind him are a dresser, a computer table, a bookshelf, and a bed. He stands behind a bench with a boombox placed on it.}''

EDGAR MONTROSE: I'm here to give you some advice on doing your fireworks display this year. Now, my suggestion is to forget about the firecrackers, {throws up arms} and blow up some old furniture with dynamite! Now, if given your choice, would you rather see some pathetic little sparky light shooting up through the air and going pop – very quietly, I might add – or chunks of dirt and wood {throws up arms again} flying up into the air, accompanied by a thunderous explosion? {puts hand to ear, as if listening for a response, then nods} That's what I thought. Now, through the magic of television {holds up detonator} and this handy remote detonator, {holds up index finger} I'm going to let you watch my explosives display for this year. Now, what I've done for your viewing pleasure {puts down detonator} is, I've named each explosion, just like the different firecrackers are named according to their particular properties. {looks at dresser} Now, this one, I call the exploding dresser. {looks at computer table} And this one, I call the exploding computer table. {looks at bookshelf} And this one, the exploding bookshelf. {looks at bed} Uh, I haven't got a name for this one yet, but it's my favorite. And just like the real fireworks, I've set it to music.

''{Edgar turns on the boombox. Elevator music plays on it. Edgar leans down and listens briefly, looking perplexed.}''

EDGAR MONTROSE: This thing isn't working.

''{Edgar sits down on the bench and pushes another button on the boombox. Suddenly, behind him, the pieces of furniture all explode. The flash from the exploding briefly obscures the camera all white with smoke. When the smoke clears, the furniture is blown up, with only a few charred pieces remaining. Edgar picks up the detonator and examines it.}''

Talking Animals
{Red stands in the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Welcome to "Talking Animals". Local animal control officer Ed Frid will be in {looks behind him briefly} any minute now. I think he's gonna bring a bird of some kind. {holds up arms} I'm not sure what kind. He has so many types of birds that he brings.

''{The door behind Red opens and Ed enters, walking slowly and breathing vigorously. He has a falcon wearing a hood perched on his right wrist while wearing a huge glove on his left arm. Red notices.}''

RED GREEN: There he is. Oh, he's got a falcon! {to Ed} That's great, you got the falcon! That's terrific!

ED FRID: Shh! {softly} Not so loud, Red! What are you trying to do, make it mad or something? You trying to scare it into a frenzy or what?

''{Ed walks slowly up to Red. He holds his arm with the falcon perched on it as far out in front of him as possible.}''

RED GREEN: {stepping back nervously} Well, sorry. I mean, it's tame. It's tame, isn't it?

ED FRID: Well... you know, it used to be quite tame, but it's getting a little older now, and a little bitter. {pauses while nodding, then somewhat quickly} We're looking at a very violent bird here.

RED GREEN: Why did– didn't you bring a different falcon?

ED FRID: Well, I– I wanted to, but I couldn't get this one off my arm. {grimaces}

RED GREEN: {looks closely at falcon} Oh boy, he's dug right into your bare wrist there, Ed! {holds up right hand} Shouldn't you have one of those protective gloves on?

ED FRID: {holding up gloved left arm} You mean like this?

RED GREEN: Yeah!

ED FRID: {nods vigorously} Yes, I would definitely recommend that.

RED GREEN: Does that hurt at all?

ED FRID: {looking quite pained} Very much so.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

ED FRID: It's intensely painful.

RED GREEN: {looking at wrist falcon is on} You know, it's not bleeding.

ED FRID: No, no, no, but, uh, I think once the talons come out of my skin, some bandages would come in mighty handy. Maybe a few blood donors. I'm type-A.

RED GREEN: Alright, alright. {noticing falcon's hood} Ed, why don't you just take the little hood off and {looks up at ceiling and moves arm around} then he'll just fly around a little.

ED FRID: Yeah, are you out of your MIND?!

RED GREEN: No, I'm just thinking, you know, if he flies away, he'll let go of your arm.

ED FRID: Uh, well, maybe most of it, yeah! But I'm not in a big hurry to test that theory.

RED GREEN: Oh, oh...

ED FRID: It is a very dangerous bird.

RED GREEN: Boy, you know, he looks pretty calm to me.

ED FRID: Oh, that's what he wants you to think. Oh yeah. But all the while, he's sitting there, thinking up new techniques for attack. They kill! That's all these birds think about, is {jabs gloved hand out for emphasis} kill! Kill, kill! {pauses} ...Although, you may be right. Uh... he seems to have loosened his grip.

RED GREEN: Sure.

ED FRID: I think he's relaxing a little. Maybe if we just give him a couple more minutes...

RED GREEN: Well, how much more time do we have?

ED FRID: About two minutes, I think.

''{As Ed says this, he turns over his wrist with the falcon on it to check his watch. As this happens, the falcon tips down with the wrist but does not budge. Both Ed and Red look puzzled.}''

ED FRID: Oh dear... {taps falcon's head repeatedly}

RED GREEN: Oh, uh, boy, unless that was a mood swing, I think, uh, I think your falcon is, uh, deceased.

ED FRID: {flipping wrist and falcon on it back and forth} Yeah, uh... I gotta go get a bird removed.

RED GREEN: All right, let's hear it for Ed Frid! Thank you, Ed, thank you!

''{Red and Ed shake hands, Ed using his right hand with the falcon on it and shaking the falcon. He makes a saluting motion and heads for the door.}''

RED GREEN: All right.

ED FRID: See ya, Red! {leaves while they wave goodbye}

Handyman Corner
{Red walks along outside the lodge, holding a small TV set in his hands.}

RED GREEN: You know, watching television is kind of the birthright of all males, and the latest deal are these big-screen TVs with the surround sound that'll set you back a cool ten grand. {sets TV down on a table} Well, if you got that kind of money, you're probably not watching this kinda show. So today on Handyman Corner, {looks at TV} I'm gonna show you how to take a simple black-and-white, nine-inch TV, and turn it into a big-screen, surround-sound system that'll rock your world. {walks over to a reclining chair} Now, the first consideration is comfort. {sits down in chair} Get yourself comfortable and then decide where to put the TV. {gets into reclining position and sees the footrest out in front; points at it} I think I see a spot.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has gotten up from the chair, which is still in reclining position. He is attaching the TV to the footrest with duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, now we're ready to face our first problem, which is, how do you make a nine-inch screen look big? {picks up a pair of binoculars from the table} Well, the same way you make the horses at the track look big, or the neighbor in the bikini look big: with a pair of binoculars. Now we need a way to mount the binoculars onto the TV so that it's always in focus. {picks up a broom lying on the table} How about using a broom, huh? That would work great, especially during sweeps week.

''{Wipe to a later scene. The binoculars have been duct-taped to the broom handle. Red then holds up a pair of 3D glasses, the kind with red and blue lenses.}''

RED GREEN: I'll probably be recognized by the Academy for this next step. {holds up glasses} What do 3D glasses have that makes them work? That's right, color! {holds glasses over binocular eyepieces} So if I just duct-tape these 3D glasses to the eyepieces of my binoculars, eh, what effect is that gonna have on my black-and-white TV? {holds up two fingers} I'm gonna be getting two video effects in one! I smell an Emmy. {chuckles, puts down glasses; rubs hands together} That means I can now concentrate on the audio component of our home theater system. {bends down and rips out a speaker cone, grunting with effort} Now, with the– with the {makes circling motion with hand} surround sound speaker systems, that's no good, because you got speakers all over the place; there's no room for you. I say, why don't you go another way with it? {picks up a ceiling fan from worktable and places speaker under fan blade} Why don't you mount the speaker in such a way {moves fan blade with speaker on it back and forth} that the sound will come to you, huh?

''{Red walks off and sets the stuff down. It makes clattering sounds as that happens. Then Red returns and picks up a metal colander off the worktable. Wipe to a later scene. The ceiling fan is attached to a light pole. The fan has several speakers mounted to it. The colander is duct-taped to the back of the chair.}''

RED GREEN: The sound'll surround you all right, at any speed you want. {gestures toward colander} And to maximize my reception here, I added a satellite dish. {sits down in chair} Actually, this is one of those metal colanders you use to strain pasta. But I'd rather be straining my eyes than straining my fettuccine.

''{Red turns on the ceiling fan, which starts playing music as it spins, bringing the speakers around on the blades. Music starts playing as Red sits back in the chair.}''

RED GREEN: So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {looks at TV through speaker} Oh man, I'm aiming at the wrong satellite!

''{Red takes a boat oar and digs it into the ground. He turns the chair around in another direction as static is heard. The music is replaced by the sound of someone talking on the TV. Red gives a thumbs-up.}''

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older guys who get in trouble when you try to help. I'm talking about when you see your wife or your kids struggling to do something, and you butt in and say, "Here, give me that!" They think you're kind of a showoff, be a know-it-all, trying to inflate your ego. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Your ego is under so much pressure, the last thing you want to do is inflate it. {holds up one hand, smiling} And of course, your wife has that ego pin that she keeps handy. No, no, when you say, "Here, give me that," you're trying to save them from that painful learning curve you've gone through. You know that when something's stuck or doesn't fit or isn't straight, you just haven't hit it hard enough yet. At our age, there's almost nothing that we haven't dropped, hammered, rolled, driven through, smashed, cut too short, or burned. We have this vast knowledge to share, and we want to save our loved ones from the pain and injury. You see, on them, a cut or a bruise is an unsightly blemish. On us, it's just one more knothole on an already very blemished tree. So just tell your family the next time you say, "Here, give me that," you're not trying to be the star. You're just offering to take one for the team. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 2
''{Red walks into the lodge rather unevenly, his shoes making sloshing and squishing sounds with each step. He looks puzzled.}''

RED GREEN: Man, I don't get it! The same grass that grew only two inches long in the shed is a foot long out in the yard! And it hasn't even rained since we planted. Mind you, the grass is kinda wet and sticky all the time.

''{Red walks over to the bucket full of grass, which has significantly grown since it was seen last. He reaches out and pulls off a piece of grass. He holds it close to himself.}''

RED GREEN: Eh! {sniffs grass} Smells like paint or kerosene or... nuclear waste, I think. Odd thing.

{The front door opens again and Dalton enters, also walking unevenly and his shoes sloshing and squishing with each step.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Good news, Red! I sold all the lawnmowers.

RED GREEN: Aw, man, Dalton, that's too bad. I'm gonna have to get 'em all back.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, no, no, you can't do that! Look, look. {holds up a wad of money} Got a hundred bucks for 'em! {giggles}

RED GREEN: {looking at money, impressed} Oh yeah! {points at money} Who gave you that much for those units?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Some moron from the city! {both laugh}

RED GREEN: {waves dismissively} Ah, no, no, no. You got his phone number?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {pulls card out of coat pocket} Yeah, yeah.

RED GREEN: {points to phone in corner} You're gonna have to call him and tell him the deal's off. Sorry. {wipes hands together}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {disappointed} What?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {walks over to phone} All right, if you think you know what you're doing...

RED GREEN: Yeah, I know what I'm doing.

''{Dalton picks up the phone and starts dialing a number. The front door opens once more, and Winston enters, also walking unevenly and his shoes squishing and sloshing with each step. He walks up close to Red.}''

RED GREEN: {seeing Winston} Boy, it's rough, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I know.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Nice lawn!

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: What, you guys put in new septics and didn't even give me a chance to bid on 'em?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! We put in a whole new lawn!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: 'Cause I'll tell ya, business has been pretty slow for me lately because of the drought. {suddenly points to Red} And to top it all off, the county gave some other guy the pumping job to clean out their septics. {points to himself} I never even got a sniff!

RED GREEN: {puzzled} What is good news in your business? {Winston shrugs}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looking away from phone} Red, I– I got the guy on the phone. He says we can have the lawnmowers, but he wants his hundred bucks back, plus another... fifty! {cringes}

RED GREEN: All right, no, that's fine, that's fine. Tell him we got a deal. Tell him that's fine.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {worried} Red, Red, Red! We'll be down fifty bucks!

RED GREEN: Not if he takes a check.

''{Red, Dalton and Winston all laugh, Dalton pointing at Red and giving him a thumbs-up. They then turn for the front door and slowly walk toward it unevenly.}''

Ranger Gord's Educational Films
{Red climbs into Fire Watchtower 13 where Ranger Gord is adjusting his film projector.}

RANGER GORD: Oh! Red Green, this is great! You're just in time for my second animated feature. Did you get my notice?

RED GREEN: Well, I'm here, so no.

RANGER GORD: {sitting down next to projector} This one's much better.

RED GREEN: Yeah?

RANGER GORD: I've improved the drawings. I think I've captured the character voices much better, too. Yeah, very reminiscent of Walt Disney's early progress, I think.

RED GREEN: Yeah? More goofy, a little less Mickey Mouse?

RANGER GORD: No, it's more educational.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh.

RANGER GORD: Yeah, this one's all about sun protection.

RED GREEN: Oh.

RANGER GORD: Here we go. {about to start up projector, but then stops himself} Oh, would you like some popcorn before we start?

RED GREEN: Yeah, sure.

{Gord picks up a bowl and offers it to Red, who looks at it with concern.}

RED GREEN: I like it after it's popped.

RANGER GORD: {shrugs} Suit yourself. {puts bowl aside} Oh, you wanna use the bathroom before we start?

RED GREEN: {starting to get up} No, but I wouldn't mind using the exit.

RANGER GORD: {stopping Red} No, no, sh! Down in front! No talking, here we go. {starts projector}

''{The film starts, displaying the titles: "Ranger Gord's Educational Films" and "Written & Directed by Ranger Gord". The film fades to Ranger Gord posing with the title "Starring Ranger Gord". The film fades again to a picture of a smiling sun in front of a rainbow. The title reads, "This week's episode...", then "SUN PROTECTION". The scene then fades to show Gord standing near Little Red and Little Harold.}''

RANGER GORD: Ladies and gentlemen, {holds up index finger} sun safety is important. Know that {holds up other index finger} the sun is your enemy, and you must protect yourself against its {pounds fist into hand} harmful death rays. {points to Red and Harold} Do either of you know how we can destroy the sun once and for all?

LITTLE RED: Uh, I really don't think we need to destroy the sun, Ranger Gord, I think, uh...

RANGER GORD: {running up in Red's face and pointing at him} Think again! Some people would have you believe that the sun is simply a big, harmless ball of burning wood and dead leaves. {waves dismissively} Well, they're wrong. {points up at sun in the sky} The sun is a living being, {clenches hand into fist} set on destroying mankind! So, we must abolish the sun from the sky. {pulls out a pair of shotguns with flashlights and batteries attached to it} Here, take these ray guns.

''{Gord tosses the two ray guns to Red and Harold. Red catches it easily, but when Harold catches his, it knocks him down on the ground.}''

RANGER GORD: {with a look of determination} We'll show that sun! {produces a ray gun of his own} With these ray guns, we can give as good as we get!

LITTLE RED: {dropping his gun} Uh, Gord, I don't think we need to blast the sun. {Harold gets back up} It's, uh, crazy. {holds up a bottle of sunblock labeled "Handyman's Sun Block For Possums"} I'll just put on some sunblock lotion and, uh, well, I'll be fine.

RANGER GORD: {grabbing Red's sunblock bottle} Well, that's just peachy, Little Red. {squeezes bottle over Red's body, causing a lot of pink liquid to pour out and cover Red, then throws bottle in Red's face} You can just sit back, covered in your fancy lotion, and play defense for the rest of your life, never once standing up to the sun. {pats Harold on the head} Meanwhile, Little Harold and I will fight the sun. {poses dramatically} To the death, if we have to! {salutes} Save mankind!

LITTLE HAROLD: {looking quite apprehensive, gulps} To the death?

LITTLE RED: You're not right in the head, Gord.

''{Suddenly, a bolt of lightning appears and zaps Red, reducing him to a pile of ashes. Gord looks up toward the sky. The bolt actually came from another ray gun, held by the sun itself. The sun looks toward Gord and Harold menacingly as it holds its ray gun, which is smoking slightly.}''

RANGER GORD: Oh no! The sun has been eavesdropping on us. It knows what we're up to! There's no time, we must destroy it now!!

''{Gord and Harold fire their ray guns at the sun, but the sun simply dodges the ray blasts. The sun then fires its own ray gun. The blast hits Harold and reduces him to ashes, like Red before him.}''

SUN: Ranger Gord, you fool! Your incredible superhuman powers and godlike body are no match for me! And your pathetic little friends can't help you, either! {laughs evilly}

RANGER GORD: {laughs mockingly, then points at sun} The joke's on you! They were pathetic and little, yes, but they weren't my friends!

''{Gord jumps up into the sky with his arm stretched out in front of him and balled into a fist. He reaches the sun and wraps his arm around it in an arm lock.}''

RANGER GORD: C'mon! Drop it! Drop your gun!

SUN: {dropping gun and looking pained from the arm lock, gasping for breath} Hey! Ow! Come on! Stop it! Stop it, Gord! Ah! Please don't destroy me!

RANGER GORD: Do you promise not to shoot death rays at people anymore?

SUN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: Say it!

SUN: I promise not to shoot death rays at people anymore.

RANGER GORD: {releasing his grip on sun} It's a deal! {shakes hands with sun, now smiling} Well, folks, you heard the sun. Thanks to me, we no longer live in fear of the sun's harmful death rays.

SUN: I sure learned my lesson.

RANGER GORD: Now everyone can spend hours and hours in the sun without a care in the world. {looks down at ash piles that were Red and Harold} Well, everyone but those two.

''{Red and Harold's eyes on the piles blink repeatedly while Gord laughs heartily. A title reads "The End", and the film ends. Cut back to the real Ranger Gord and Red. Gord claps enthusiastically and turns off the projector, while Red keeps staring straight forward.}''

RANGER GORD: Well? Isn't that great? {chuckles}

Mike's Teen Talk
''{Mike stands in the lodge basement behind a table. Harold stands next to him. An attache case is placed on the table.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, welcome to "Mike's Teen Talk", and, uh, as you can see, I have a guest on the show today. Well, {shrugs} it's not really a guest, {gestures toward Harold} it's just Harold, but I can explain that, okay? Uh, today, we're, uh, celebrating Career Day, so naturally, we needed, uh, somebody with a career on this show, but around here, that's not so easy to find, {looks to Harold} so that's where you come in, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Thank you, Mike. Haw! All right, well, I don't really know if it's much of a career yet. You know, I'm still trying to– to learn and grow and be better at my job, and reap the rewards that come when you take responsibility for yourself.

MIKE HAMAR: {to camera, smiling} See, he's weird like that. It's great. {back to Harold} So, what's the difference between a job and a career?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay. Well, to me, you know, personally, um... a job is something that's temporary. You know, you stick at it for a little while until you quit or get fired.

MIKE HAMAR: Or escape?

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} Or escape, yes. Yes, all right. Um, but on the other hand, a career is something that you plan on sticking at for a long time, you know, and you climb up that ladder until you retire.

MIKE HAMAR: So, like, uh, a job is like drawing one to two, and a career is, like, basically a life sentence?

HAROLD GREEN: Similar.

MIKE HAMAR: So, tell me about your job, Harold. Um, what does your lawyer get ya?

HAROLD GREEN: Um, well, I'm an assistant account executive at Multicorp International, Incorporated.

MIKE HAMAR: And what do they do?

HAROLD GREEN: {looks slightly nervous} They're, um... Well, Mike... {giggles} They're very big. They're huge. They're huge, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Good enough, and what do you do in it?

HAROLD GREEN: I work with files. And a filing cabinet. I didn't bring mine along today for show-and-tell or nothin', because one guy tried that one time and he got fired.

MIKE HAMAR: {looks at camera, puzzled and shaking head} It's dog eat dog out there.

HAROLD GREEN: {nods vigorously} Yeah! Yeah, no, no, you're right, it is, because, like, when I do have work to take home on the weekend or something like that, I got, like, a mini filing cabinet. {holds up attache case} It's called an attache case! {giggles} And my boss, if he ever wants to get in touch me, {holds up a cellular phone} he gave me this cellular phone. {opens up phone}

MIKE HAMAR: So, like, you work all alone, all day, in a windowless cubicle, and then you take more work home with you at night, and then, if your boss has any other ideas, he can call you up whenever he wants?

HAROLD GREEN: {eagerly} Yeah, it's my job!

MIKE HAMAR: And you're looking at doing this for life? {Harold crosses his fingers while giggling} Do they give you three squares a day?

HAROLD GREEN: No.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I have learned so much today. I used to think a job was pretty bad, {looks disgusted} but a career really sucks, doesn't it?! {calmer; back to Harold} Thanks for coming on the show, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: No, I– You know, I think you missed the idea of the whole concept. You know, the– {suddenly, his phone rings} Oh, excuse me. {picks up phone and opens it up to answer}

MIKE HAMAR: It's probably the warden.

{Harold shushes Mike while he pushes some buttons and raises the aerial before holding it up to his ear.}

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, thanks for being on the show, and please, don't let this happen to you. {leaves while Harold talks on his phone}

Plot Segment 3
(The grass outside the lodge is now halfway up the windows. Red enters the lodge. The grass is seen sticking into the lodge through the door. He stumbles around and his clothes covered in green stains. He holds a lawnmower handle in his hand, which he angrily throws aside. He then walks up closer to the camera unevenly, his shoes still squishing and sloshing.}

RED GREEN: Well, we had a couple of setbacks. The grass is five feet high. The lawnmowers won't cut it. The toxic fumes make you lightheaded. And the darn stuff turns everything green! {scratches neck} You know, I'm starting to think that this new grass seed wasn't such a great idea.

{Suddenly, he hears the sound of crashing outside, accompanied by the sound of Winston yelling in pain.}

RED GREEN: {hearing commotion} What the heck? {walks to door} What's going on?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {outside door} Red, is that you? {crashes again}

RED GREEN: {opens door} Winston, the door is over here, to your left! {Winston enters, walking unevenly, shoes squishing and sloshing, his clothes covered in grass stains} Here you go. There you go. Yeah. Oh man!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I was getting claustrophobic out there! You can't see the buildings or any of the scrap hot water heaters or anything.

RED GREEN: No. Actually, the lodge never looked better, huh?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You know what's weird, though? Everybody else's grass is dead because there's been no rain.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: But we got blades in spades!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

''{The front door opens again and Dalton enters, walking unevenly, his shoes sloshing and squishing, and his clothes covered in grass stains. He looks nervous.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Trouble, Red, trouble!

RED GREEN: What? What, what?

DALTON HUMPHREY: It looks like rain! Look how dark it is outside!

RED GREEN: Holy smoke, we better get up on the roof! The grass might grow thirty feet high!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Well, I mean, if it grows that high, it'll just fall over, won't it?

RED GREEN: Well, you never know. Some things can defy gravity. Remember Tammy Ferguson's hairdo? {Dalton shudders} Oh boy!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Well, I wanna know what's gonna happen if it rains, 'cause I'll tell ya, in the sewage business, one thing you learn to hate, and that's surprises. {walks over to watering can in corner}

RED GREEN: What're you gonna do?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {picks up watering can and pours water into bucket containing sample grass patch, now really high} Well, I'm just gonna throw some water on this– this sample patch of lawn here and see what happens.

RED GREEN: Hope the roof holds.

''{Suddenly, a spew of steam emerges from the bucket as the grass reacts to the water. However, instead of growing still higher, it actually sinks into the bucket. It is dissolving.}''

RED GREEN: What? What?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: This grass doesn't grow in water, it dissolves in water! {realizes} That's why it did so well during the drought!

RED GREEN: {snaps fingers; impressed} That's right!

''{Suddenly, they see lightning flashing and thunder crashing. They look around and then hear the sound of rain pouring.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: {pointing outside} Look at that, will ya! {the rain is melting the grass away} Boy, that grass is disappearing faster than breath mints at a singles' bar!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Look at that toxic runoff! It's heading right into the lake! What're we gonna do about that?

RED GREEN: Ah! {they all wave dismissively}

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, meeting time.

RED GREEN: {pointing to door to basement stairs at back} Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll be right down. {Dalton and Winston walk slowly and unevenly to basement door} Don't let the grass grow... Never mind. {to camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I learned one thing today: you just let nature take its course. And when I get home tonight, I hope you're gonna be awake. I'm hoping to show you what I'm talking about. {to audience} And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red waves and walks toward the basement stairs. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Dalton, Winston and Mike all stand at the front of the meeting. Dalton waves the men down to sit down as Red comes down the stairs.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sit down. Sit 'er down. Sit 'er down.

{Everyone takes their seats as Red takes his place at the front of the meeting, between Dalton and Winston.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh! {waves everyone up} All rise, all rise!

''{The men all stand up. They all cross their arms over their chests.}''

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone does so} All right, uh, men, bow your heads for the Man's Prayer. {they all bow their heads}

EVERYONE: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. {everyone raises their heads again}

RED GREEN: Remember, guys, the grass is always greener in the middle of the lake.