Mr. Clean/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ wipers squeaking and thumping,

motor whirring ]

don't you hate it when

windshield-washer technology

actually makes the windshield

harder to see out of?

You know,

there's an old expression

"never send a boy

on a man's job" --

or if you're a lodge member,

"never send harold on any job."

so if you want

a clean windshield,

you need a man-size

windshield washer.

You see this tiny, little,

puny thing here?

This is a standard

windshield-washer pump.

This is for little squirts.

We're gonna

take that up a notch.

This baby will really fire out

the water.

And speaking of fires,

we're also gonna biggie-size

our nozzle.

[ tape stretching ]

I got my pump

running off the fan belt,

and I'm using a water-cooler

bottle as my reservoir.

There were a whole pile of these

behind the 7-eleven.

Okay, I think we're ready

for a road test.

[ tape stretching ]

[ tires screech ]

[ motorcycle engine idling ]

uh, my windshield's dirty.

Thanks!

[ whoosh! ]

[ cheers and applause ]

captioning made possible by

acorn media

I appreciate that.

A bit of a setback this week

up at the lodge.

Stinky peterson

had come up with a new recipe

for pickled eggs au gratin.

Uh, but he was shut down by the

environmental protection agency.

Uncle red! Uncle red!

Red: Yeah?

Wa-a-a! We have to

clean up the lodge!

We did.

No, not just sort it

into heaps by smell.

Clean.

The ontario tourist board

is coming into this area.

They're gonna be inspecting

all the resorts, you know,

so they can rate them

for their brochure,

and we cannot afford

to have another rating

of "dangerous

to all life-forms."

what are you talking about,

harold?

Last year

we got three stars.

Those were x's!

We're the only xxx-rated lodge

in the entire province!

That's when we had so few people

here, you know,

and the ones who did come,

we didn't want.

Well, who cares, harold?

We get along fine up here

without all those

yuppie families coming up

with their kiwi suntan lotion

and their bottled water.

You know what? I feel like

they're from another planet.

Earth?

Red.

Yeah.

You ought to see

caribou lodge.

It's like the ritz!

The hotel

or the cracker?

The resort.

They've cleaned everything up.

There's no propane tanks

piled up everywhere.

There's no car engines

hanging from the trees.

There's no empties

on the roof.

Well, they're just trying to

suck up to the tourist board.

I know that,

and they told me to tell you

that they're gonna kick our butt

in the ratings.

Huh?

They're bragging that they're

gonna make possum lodge

look like a dump!

Well, don't you worry.

You beat them to that.

Harold, we beat them

to almost everything.

We hardly ever lose

a competition to caribou lodge.

Okay, well, then, you guys

better decide to pitch in,

clean up this place --

no, no, no, no.

We don't need to pitch in.

All we got to do

is hire

a cleaning --

a cleaning lady?

Is that what you were

really going to say?

I guess not.

Because that's demeaning,

sexist,

and politically incorrect.

Man, it's getting so hard

to be me.

Good.

[ groaning ] oh!

[ both laugh ]

it's time for

the possum lodge word game!

Today's winner

receives this coupon

for a complimentary treatment

at chang lee's

acupuncture palace.

"apply for

an acupuncture gold card

and get extra points."

all right, dalton.

Cover your ears.

Red, you got 30 seconds

to get dalton humphrey

to say this word --

"listen"!

"listen."

all right, winston.

And, go!

Okay, dalton, um...

Your wife talks,

and you...

Cringe.

No. Okay, no.

I mean, she speaks,

and then you...

Give in?

Okay. Okay.

What about your daughter?

When she tells you a story,

you...

Tune out.

All right, let's flip it

around the other way.

Let's say when you talk

to your wife, she has to...

Interrupt.

Okay, okay, say you pull up

to a railway crossing,

you stop, look, and...

Stall.

This is the opposite

of "talk."

[ sighs ] peace.

Sweet, sweet peace!

No, no, but -- no, but okay.

This is peaceful, okay?

You're in the forest,

you're standing by a tree,

and you're doing something.

It rhymes with "glisten."

I can't say that

on television. It's...

Yeah.

Almost out of time

here, red.

Uh, okay, okay.

Dalton, when your daughter

wears her headphones,

what's she doing?

Oh, that's easy --

trying not to listen to me.

[ bell dinging ]

red: How many fish

have we caught?

Glen: You mean all of us

altogether?

Uh, you know, a grand total

including what we released?

Yeah.

Uh, none.

And how many bites

have we had?

None. Zero, zilch, nada!

You know why?

Because there are no fish

in this lake --

sorry --

this chemical vat.

You don't know that,

harold.

Yes.

Yes, I do, uncle red.

Fish cannot swim

under floating garbage.

This lake has the same ph

as a truck battery.

We've been fishing this lake

our whole lives, harold.

Harold: Yes, and you've

been throwing stoves

and outboard motors

and snowmobiles in this lake

all your lives, too.

The fish would have to

evolve into titanium rhinos

to survive what

you've done to them.

Red: That's just

not right, harold.

We still catch fish here,

don't we, glen?

Yeah, yeah,

uh, buster hadfield

caught something here

just a couple weeks ago.

Yes, he fell in

and caught diphtheria.

There are no fish

in this lake!

There are fish here,

harold.

Know what we should do?

Know what we should do?

Know what we should do?

Is we go get fish in another

lake and then dip them in here

to preserve them.

Red: Oh, yeah?

Well, what do you think

about this, harold, eh?

Ha ha ha ha!

See what happens

when you have skills

and you use

the right bait?

Wow.

Now, do you want

to throw that back,

or you want

to try and clean it?

It's a fish.

[ saw buzzing ]

you know, I think it was

winston churchill who said,

"never stand when you can sit...

"never sit

when you can lie down...

And never lie down

without the remote."

sounds like my kind of guy,

but I'm guessing he never

had to cut his own lawn,

what, with him being

king of ireland

or whatever it was.

So this time I'm gonna show you

how you can cut your lawn

without using any energy --

well, not any

of your own energy.

First thing you want to do --

get yourself one of these

self-propelled

electric lawn mowers.

I got this from mike. He's good

for getting stuff cheap

if you don't ask

too many questions.

You know what they say --

a good fence

makes a good neighbor.

Now, the electric units

are not as good as the gas jobs,

but they're quieter,

and I find it hard to sleep

in the same yard

as an unmanned self-propelled

gasoline mower.

Now, there's a bit

of complicated math involved

with this project.

The lawn mower's gonna

wind around a wheel rim, eh,

and move itself across the lawn.

But to prevent you

from missing a spot,

the circumference

of the wheel rim

has to be the same

as the width of the lawn mower.

The actual formula,

I believe,

is 2 pi "r"

equals coup de grass.

Perfect.

[ tape stretching ]

to calculate pi,

just get yourself a pie plate.

[ tape stretching ]

okay, here's the easy part.

Just plug the lawn mower

into the extension cord...

And then tie it off

to the front of the mower.

The first time

you cut the lawn, now,

you'll have a few obstacles

you might have to get through,

so mount an electric chain saw

on the front of the unit,

and you want

to plug that in, too.

Then you just

turn them both on...

And you're good to go.

Might want to move the dog

inside first.

Okay, this pretty much

looks like the center

of the yard to me.

Even if isn't, it will be.

[ tape stretching ]

just wind the extension

around the rim,

and then go plug her in.

You want to keep the cord

good and high, though.

Otherwise

your automatic lawn mower

will have the same history

as america --

just one revolution.

Other than that,

it's just like a computer --

plug and play...

Sure hope it doesn't crash.

[ electricity crackles ]

[ lawn mower whirring,

chain saw buzzing ]

[ tape stretching ]

[ whirring and buzzing stops ]

I want to talk to you older guys

who have been married for

as long as you can remember...

...Or are allowed to remember.

You know, it never hurts to

surprise your significant other,

maybe buy her something

or make her something.

I suggest buy her something.

Your wife knows

how good a handyman you are.

Heck, she's the one

who drives you to the hospital.

So buy her something.

In fact, buy her flowers.

Now, most men think

flowers are dumb,

but get this -- women don't.

Bernice actually likes flowers.

A bunch of flowers to her

is like, I don't know,

a '68 orange dodge charger

with a racing cam

and a hurst shifter.

So, I buy bernice flowers.

Most guys don't think that way.

They get their sweetheart

something they like themselves.

You ladies who receive

belt sanders for christmas

know what I'm talking about.

So if you want

to make your partner happy,

give her something

she may actually want.

And she may give you something

you actually want...

Something that used to happen

in the backseat

of that '68 charger!

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ thump! ]

have your septic

pumped out regularly.

An ounce of prevention...

Is worth a ton of manure.

[ machine whirring ]

[ vacuum whirring ]

I'll be right with you!

[ vacuum stops ]

well, uh, as you can see,

getting the lodge cleaned up

a little,

getting ready for the tourist

board readings inspection.

We looked in to getting

a cleaning l-- person.

Uh...

But, you know, we found it

demeaning, uh, for us.

We couldn't come up

with 150 bucks.

Uncle red. Wow!

Red: Yeah? Yeah.

You're really cleaning up

in here!

Yeah. Have you cleaned up

your room, harold?

'cause if the tourist board sees

those ken and barbie dolls,

they'll rate us

as a daycare center.

Those are "star wars"

collectibles figurines,

thank you very much!

And my room

is always neat and tidy.

Well, that's 'cause nothing

ever happens in it.

Okay, red.

Yeah?

Got the basement

all cleaned up.

Okay.

Oh, by the way, can we get rid

of all these animal heads?

They are just impossible

to dust.

[ blows ]

[ coughs ]

we -- we -- we can talk

about it, dalton.

Okay.

Yeah.

Say, you know what?

You look good.

Oh? Well.

Is that --

is that a new shirt?

No, you know,

I just washed it,

but I'm using

a new fabric softener.

I think it really makes

a difference.

Yeah, you know what?

It -- it's real nice.

Yeah.

Really brings out

the color of your eyes, yeah.

Would you two

like to be alone?

You know, you started this,

harold.

No, no, no, no, no,

I just wanted the lodge

to have a better tourist rating

so we attract better tourists.

We want to beat

caribou lodge!

Caribou lodge

is not the point.

If we all get

good ratings,

then there's enough business

for everybody.

Well, we know that,

harold.

But it just kind of fosters

the competitive spirit

if we can beat the crap

out of those morons.

[ both laugh ]

no! It's not about that!

It has nothing to do with us

beating caribou lodge.

There is no competition.

Okay.

[ both chuckle ]

I'm serious, guys!

There is no competition.

Fine, fine.

That's good. We're good.

Besides, caribou lodge

just put in a hot tub.

Holy mack!

They can't do that!

It's not

a competition.

Red:

We were gonna have a sleep-out

just out under the stars,

and, uh, the sky was looking

a little rough there.

Heard some thunder.

It looked like

maybe she might rain,

so mike had the idea of maybe

putting up some kind of a tarp.

He had a small tarp in his --

what I thought

was a small tarp in his bag.

But it's funny

how these things --

you know, as you unfold them,

you realize, you know,

how huge something like that --

and it seemed little heavier

than a normal tarp.

Of course, that's 'cause

there was a frying pan

stuck in the middle.

[ fry pan whistling ]

we got that out of there,

and then mike just tied up

the one corner to a tree.

I would look out -- there we go.

[ thud! ]

so, later that day, we got mike

up higher in the tree

standing on winston's shoulders,

who was, unfortunately,

standing on my shoulders,

but, you know, we did that okay

leaning against the tree,

but when it came time to move,

it was very hard to balance.

And these guys are not --

it's not cirque du soleil

we got here, you know?

[ tweet! ]

but, anyway,

we did get the tarp up,

and we got under it

in our sleeping bags.

She was raining down there

pretty good, and, uh --

but it was just

an overnight thing.

By the next morning --

beautiful day, beautiful day,

and we were dry as a bone,

but we were looking up

and thinking, "oh, boy."

we collected some rainwater

overnight...

And a certain amount of debris

that comes with --

with any kind of a rain.

So we're trying to head --

but mike said,

"no, no, come on back."

he's got an idea. This is how

you use what nature gives you.

He takes out his knife

and he drops it, and then he --

not s--

not too sharp there, uh, mike.

[ plink! ]

ah.

So, mike's not too sharp,

either, so...

What he's doing is making

a little camp shower.

So, he's showering away,

and then the water --

the water stopped there.

Something's plugging it, mike,

something --

oh, it's a pinecone.

[ pop! ]

he takes that out, and away

he goes again, and, uh --

and she plugs up again,

and this time it's a pop can,

and mike's had enough.

So, winston steps up, and he --

his hat was dirty, so he's gonna

wash that, and, uh...

We got -- oh.

That's a very large snake,

uh, indigenous to the area.

We get back to the campfire,

and -- and water stops again.

Winston thinks it's like a twig

or something,

but, of course,

it's really not the twig.

It's the, uh --

it's the actual snake,

and then we hear him yell,

and...

I'm not sure

how this part happened.

[ rattling ]

you might want to take the kids

out of the room

for this next part.

Finally we get --

finally we think we got it

'cause he says, "no, it's okay.

Okay, it's dead."

good. We're good.

This is not something

I like to do.

No, definitely not, but...

Now, mike's been in prison,

so no problem.

And apparently it wasn't dead.

It was just stunned.

[ rattling ]

and, of course, so was mike.

[ mike screaming ]

[ splat! ]

every man knows that

finding evidence of a leak

on your garage floor

is a bad sign,

especially

if you don't own a car.

Now, I can't help you

with that problem,

but if you do have a car

that leaks oil like mine does,

here's what you do.

Get yourself a kitty-litter box

and grab your old

high-school gym bag.

[ sniffs ] whoa.

Been a while.

Okay, you reach in there.

Rubber glove

might have been a thought.

Grab one of your old

sweaty gym socks.

I sure hope that's a sock.

I sure hope this is my gym bag.

Okay, you stand the sock

straight up

in the middle

of the kitty litter,

and then you slide

the whole unit

under the leaky car.

The kitty litter

would probably work better

if this was a jaguar.

[ tape stretching ]

and there you have it.

Not only have you solved

your leaking problem,

you've also made

your very own scented candle.

That'll burn for months.

Remember kuwait?

[ sniffs ]

wow.

Smells like the indy 500.

Your garage smells good,

and you got yourself

a dandy night-light.

[ cat meows ]

[ whistle! Boing! ]

well, we're done.

We got the lodge

looking mighty fine,

we had the inspection,

and the new tourist brochure

came out today.

And the winner is...

Wa-a-a!

I always wanted to say that --

"winner is!"

I said it. Great.

Hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey.

You raised in a barn?

Oh, sorry.

Wow! It looks great! Boy!

You know what?

It doesn't matter what it says

in this brochure.

You did an excellent job

cleaning up the lobby

and everything else.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was nothing.

Where'd you put

everything?

Doesn't matter.

How'd we do, anyway?

Okay, let's see. Okay.

Here we go. Here we go.

"ashley's place."

yeah.

"bobby's bunks."

"cathy's cabin."

wa-a-a!

Harold, harold.

Go to "p."

I already went.

No, in the brochure.

Oh, oh, okay.

All right, yeah, okay.

When you said --

I thought -- okay.

I know.

"possum lodge"!

Here we go! Wa-a-a!

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay. Yeah.

Two stars! That's not bad!

Way to go! [ chuckles ]

not bad?

Two stars after

we kill ourselves?!

H-how did

caribou lodge do?

That's really

not important.

No, I need to know!

How did caribou lodge do?

I need to know.

[ shuddering ]

all right. Um, let's see.

We got, um...

Oh, there's "edna's eats."

yeah.

"dewdrop inn."

yeah.

That's a nice place --

dewdrop inn.

Yeah?

Oh, "caribou lodge"!

Here we are.

Yeah? Yeah?

One star?

Ha ha ha ha!

Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby.

How did we beat them?!

I have no idea, harold.

I don't know.

"nice place, but watch out

for the stuffed animal heads

floating in the hot tub."

[ screeching ]

oh, there's the meeting, harold.

Away you go.

Away you go, then.

Away you go.

Away you go.

[ laughs ]

I'll be down in a minute.

I'm just gonna get this place

back to normal.

[ laughs ]

so, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I learned a lot this week.

Oh, sure, it's satisfying

to work and improve yourself,

but it's more satisfying to

just point out somebody worse.

[ laughs ]

which is how I stole you

from your boyfriend. Huh?

And, the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

Captioning made possible by

acorn media

[ screeching ]

come on, guys. Sit down, now.

Guys, come on in.

Have a seat, everybody.

Have a seat.

Come on, guys. Sit down.

Meeting's coming to order.

Sit down. All rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

All: I'm a man...

But I can change...

If I have to...

I guess.

All right, men, as you know,

we got a new policy here

trying to clean up the lodge,

so I'm looking for your

permission to order a swiffer.

Uh, all those in favor?

Okay, I said, "order a swiffer,"

not "order a stripper."