Job Security/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: If you go out

in the woods today,

you're in for a big surprise --

wa-a-a! --

'cause you're gonna

smack your face

right into "the red green show"!

Broadcasting live

from the beautiful possum lodge.

High up in the hinterlands

is where we're coming from.

You know,

a small promotional fee

has been paid

by several companies

in order that

we do not mention their name.

And now, here he is,

the man who's mad about plaid,

the king of canvas.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to present a man

who really needs

no introduction whatsoever.

Go ahead, uncle red, you don't

need an introduction whatsoever.

Oh. Oh, all right.

Thank you, harold,

for not mentioning my name.

Thank you,

and welcome to possum lodge.

Harold here

is my producer and director,

which is a showbiz term

meaning "nephew."

and as my producer and director,

harold's job is, uh...

What is it

you do again, harold?

Oh, I do this.

This is my job.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a,

it's a living.

Well, harold,

you are a multitalented man.

Well, actually,

you're not a man yet,

and "talented" seems

a little strong.

Harold, you're a multi.

Big deal up at the lodge

this week.

We've had a theft.

Our lodge treasurer, douglas --

he had his pants stolen.

Not a pretty sight.

It sounds like

a crime of passion.

Don't think so, harold.

These were lime-green

polyester jobs.

Probably the work

of one of them bad-taste posses.

Now, I can make jokes,

but, uh, douglas

is pretty upset about it.

These were his favorite pants.

His mom gave them to him for

his 20th birthday back in 1975.

So, anyway, he contacted

our head of security, noel,

and then he put noel

on the case.

Our head of security

is quite a case.

He's so short

that he's a briefcase.

Wa-a-a-a!

Thank you, harold.

Anyway, noel is just

using this as an excuse

to get himself a whole bunch

of surveillance equipment.

Right now, he's about $5,000

over his level of comprehension.

But idiots with equipment

is something you see a lot of

up here at the lodge.

That was a cue, harold.

Oh, right.

Hey, noel,

how come you got cameras

stuffed up

inside this stuffed animal?

What's that,

like robo smurf or something?

No, that's for surveillance

at daycare centers.

Yeah, what is all this?

Paranoids 'r' us having a sale?

I'll have you know

that douglas asked me

to improve the security

of the lodge,

no matter of the cost.

Okay, bill,

the bunny is all wired in.

Plug that in, if you would,

and let's power up this system

and see if we get

any output.

Harold, watch that tv monitor.

See if you can see me.

Okay.

[ electricity buzzing ]

nothing yet.

I don't think

it's supposed to do that.

Noel!

What did you spend

$5,000 on?!

Where is he?! Noel!

Harold:

Behind door number 2.

Douglas, that hurt.

That's nothing!

What did you spend

$5,000 on?

Security system

for the lodge.

Got the deluxe model.

What?! Why?!

Well, you told me to.

You know, last week when your

polyester pants went missing.

You said, "tighten up

the security of the lodge,"

so, huh?

I meant a few latches

on the windows,

a lock on the door.

I didn't mean

for you to turn this lodge

into darth vader's

death star!

Now, I want you to return

this stuff right now, mister,

or I'll have

your badge!

Don't you threaten me.

I know 150 ways to kill a man

with a tuning fork.

That does it!

The only threat to security

around this lodge is you!

And bill.

No offense, bill.

Now, I'm invoking clause 333-g

of the lodge charter.

You can't --

I mean, that char--

red,

what's he talking about?

Oh, no, uh,

I just run the lodge.

I have no idea

how it works.

I'm replacing you

as head of security

and appointing

an interim head of security

pending

an internal investigation.

Neat,

a coup d'etat.

"I tawt I taw

a coup d'etat."

[ laughs ]

from the kids'...

I'm not giving up this job

without a fight!

You don't do anything

without a fight.

You brawl with your clothes

every morning.

Look at you!

You're a disaster!

This is

a head of security?

You look like

a street performer!

You know what

a head of security looks like?

Like this!

Huh?

This is our new

head of security.

No chance!

No way. I-I'm too busy

being head of maintenance.

Helmut can't be

head of security.

That job

requires brains.

How would you like to

have your requirement

squeezed out

your head?

No offense, helmut.

I'm just suggesting possibly

y-you don't have the cunning

or maybe you're not quite

as quick as you could be.

Noel, I'm beginning

to understand

why you need to learn how

to defend yourself in a fight.

I'll tell you that much.

Well, I'll tell you,

I'm not giving up this job.

You can't have my badge!

Badges?! We don't need

no stinking badges!

Helmut,

raise your right hand.

Uh, okay,

your left one will do fine.

Now, do you swear

to uphold and enforce

the possum lodge rules?

Just fixed my ax.

I take that

as a yes.

All right,

I now officially proclaim you

as the temporary

head of security.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ if I had the wings

of an angel ♪

♪ angel ♪

♪ none of my clothes

would fit ♪

♪ no, they won't ♪

♪ so, instead, I'll have

the wings of a chicken ♪

♪ bwak! Bwak! ♪

♪ with medium sauce

and a large draft ♪

red: This week

in the "handyman corner,"

we're gonna talk about making

your very own fine,

highly crafted furniture,

which is something

everybody wants to do.

But then you build something,

and it turns out to be

a piece of crap

you couldn't give away

at a garage sale,

whereas building

a fine heirloom piece

is something --

take a little extra time

and is something that can be

done within your grasp.

I'm gonna show you how to do

something like that here today.

We're gonna take this canoe

we have here,

and we're gonna make it

into a grandfather clock.

Okay, now, the first thing

we have to do

is cut the end off here

because you want to stand it up,

and it's got to be flat,

something flat to sit on.

Now, you could cut it off

a lot of different ways.

You could use, I guess,

a hacksaw on that,

[ torch hissing ]

or you could use tin snips,

or you could use a circular saw.

You could chew that off

if you wanted to.

You could just smash it off

with a sledgehammer.

Just keep pounding on it.

You could back your van over it.

Personally, for me, I prefer

using an acetylene torch

'cause it just works

so much faster.

[ explosion, glass shatters ]

that acetylene torch really

does the job, doesn't it, huh?

Now what we need to do

is we need to bring this around,

flatten these out a bit.

So, it'll, uh...

Flatten our base.

That looks pretty good.

Now we stand her up

on our wooden base.

Okay. Whoa.

[ grunting ]

okay. Now we'll just nail her

into place here.

Uh, stinky peterson said

I could have just

thrown some paint cans,

piled them up in here,

and the weight of them

would have held it in place,

but I don't know.

That's not the way

I like to do things.

I'm more of a detail guy.

Okay.

Okeydokey.

[ grunts ]

now, you can fancy that up

with trim

or even do a bit of sanding,

you know,

depending on how valuable

an heirloom

you're trying to create.

Okay, now, now we need

the precision timepiece.

What I do is I just snarfed

the whole workings

out of the clock in the kitchen

at the lodge here.

It's got its own little

power pack on the back.

And to mount that on, we use a

universal clock-mounting device,

which you can find

in most closets.

And that goes on like so.

And then we just grab

a little galvanized nail.

We want this thing

to last a long time.

Make a little hole in the canoe,

pop that in there,

and then hang the clock

right on there.

12:00 high, huh?

Okay. Starting to take shape.

Now what we need to do

is to put in the chains

and the weights and the pendulum

and all that type of thing.

Uh, but the mechanism

is already on the clock,

so these things

are strictly cosmetic,

which is a decorator term

for "fake."

so, we use these chains,

and we need

some pieces of doweling.

Uh, but I don't have

pieces of doweling,

and I'm not interested

in buying pieces of doweling.

But I do have

an old paddle here.

Now, harold always tells me

that gold is worth

a lot more than silver,

so I'm painting her gold.

That should be

about 18 karats' worth, huh?

Now I'll just wait

till it dries.

[ sniffs, clears throat ]

good enough.

Okay.

Now, we take this over,

and I put a hook in

behind the clock.

So, we hang the chain

from the hook.

One man's meat is another man's,

uh, hanging clock.

Uh, there we go.

Now what we need to do is

to add some sort of a pendulum.

What I've done is I took the

anchor out of the fishing boat.

I don't think

it's gonna drift too far.

The wind's not too bad today.

Current gets up later on,

but, oh, well.

Now, we hang this -- hang

this rig up in here, as well.

And there we've got our

whole phony-looking mechanism.

Now, to really top it off here,

uh, you can put

some plastic wrap across it.

Gives it kind of

a leaded-glass look.

Or you could just leave it open,

but at this point,

I'm not about to cheapen off.

First class all the way.

[ sighs ]

and there you have it.

Your very own beautiful

grandfather clock.

Little bit wrinkled,

but then again,

uh, so is grandfather.

And if you don't like

the aluminum look,

you could cover that

with a wood grain

or simulated leather

or whatever mack tack comes in.

And you can also get

some doorknobs

to put on the points

and the stuff sticking out.

It's up to you,

but I'll tell you one thing --

you've got a one-of-a-kind here.

So, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ chime rings ]

does that every hour,

on the hour.

So, that's the way

they want to play it.

Well, I'll go undercover.

That's right.

I'll spy on them.

I'm not going quietly!

[ hubcaps clattering ]

"it is spring.

"the river is raging.

"our gill nets

are strung across it.

"we wind them in

to examine our catch.

"three canoes, four lawn chairs,

"eight tool sheds, and a dock.

"you can make money

in this business

if you know where to fish."

well, I'll tell you,

things around here

have gone from bad to weird.

Noel is skulking around,

plotting revenge

and saying that everybody

is out to get him, you know,

and they took his strawberries.

And helmut has turned out to be

a worse security guard

than noel.

Helmut never was easygoing,

but now he's turned

into jason's evil brother.

Did you see the sign

in the dining room, harold?

I can only hope

he's out at a job interview.

Anyway, helmut put a sign up

in the dining room.

It says, "no shirt, no shoes,

no consciousness."

and he gave us

a whole list of rules.

Incredible --

stuff like "no picking

your teeth with cutlery."

since when did we get cutlery?

There's a whole bunch of rules

like that.

And if you look past

the spelling,

you can see douglas' simple mind

at work there.

So, I think what I have to do

is go down

and have a word with helmut.

So, harold, why don't you just

get on with the show here?

Harold?

Oh, right, right.

[ clears throat ]

oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh. Did I do that?

That was kind of neat.

Helmut, it's me -- red.

I wanted to talk to you about

this lodge security business.

Oh, douglas told me

not to discuss lodge security

with anybody.

Did you know that anyone

could just drive up here

and walk into the lodge,

even if they weren't members?

Yeah, well, nobody

ever does that, helmut --

not even members

of our own families.

You're right.

My mom's never been here.

Never even seen

the place.

You know she went

through 28 hours of labor

to give birth to me?

No, I didn't know that.

Yeah,

28 hours of screaming.

Well,

I'm not surprised.

You're so big, the doctors

probably had to make two trips.

What do you think?

Pretty handsome woman, eh?

Uh, all right.

Nice tattoo.

You should see her in color,

and someday you will.

As soon as this place

is clean and suitable for mom.

And douglas.

Yeah, helmut,

about all these new rules,

a lot of the guys

think that you're really

cramping our style here.

Well, we have to make

this place clean and suitable

for our moms to come up

and visit.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Wouldn't you love

to have your mom up here?

Maybe even

your mother-in-law?

Well, I'd spend a lot more time

at home, that's for sure.

Tell me something, helmut --

be honest here.

Are you really enjoying

this lodge security job?

No, not really.

I miss servicing my pump.

I haven't filled

her grease caps all day.

And, you know,

nobody wants to be the heavy.

I don't want to be

the heavy.

I don't think anybody

likes being the heavy.

Well, how come

you're going around

making everybody's life

so miserable, then?

Well, douglas told me

that if I fail

as head of security

at the lodge

that I'd bring shame

to my family and my mom,

and I want my mom

to be proud of me.

Well,

I don't want to come

between you

and your mother, helmut --

not without my pads on.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Now, here's a clue to this

week's "adventures with bill."

a great big pile of rocks.

Have you guessed it yet?

Think about it.

[ log creaking ]

we got a doghouse and a ladder,

and we got a kids' playpen

and a garbage can.

And what we're gonna do is,

of course, build a catapult.

Now, bill gets down there

with the garbage can,

and he's duct-taping that

onto one end of the ladder.

That's gonna be where he goes.

And on the other end,

I'm tying the kids' playpen.

It's one of those

old wooden ones.

Unless you had a kid

with a big head,

he's probably gonna kill himself

in that thing.

I'm tying that

onto the other end.

So, bill's got that

pretty well done there --

the handyman's secret weapon.

Now he takes a little piece

of rope and he ties this off.

And this is basically gonna be

the trigger of the catapult,

because as long as it's tied

around that heavy log

that's rooted

right into the forest there,

that's not gonna go.

So, he climbs

into the garbage can,

which seemed

extremely appropriate to me,

and I put the rocks in here.

What's happening is the ladder

is bending, bending way down,

till eventually

the whole playpen

is sitting right on the ground

with all the weight

and the ladder is bent

right around, almost double.

So, there's a lot of spring

in that thing,

and a lot of tension is

really pulling up on the rope.

Now, all I got to do

is I got to cut the rope.

We had brought an ax along

to cut the rope with.

I don't know where the ax is.

Oh.

I'm not gonna ask.

So, I cut the rope

and let her go.

Whoa!

Oh! Bill! Bill!

[ screams ]

oh, my god!

Bill! Bill!

Right back into the can!

And that launched the rocks up

from the other end.

[ rocks whistling ]

I noticed the rocks

a little bit before bill did.

[ screams ]

oh, by golly.

Ooh! Oh!

Oh, bill.

[ groaning ]

oh, bill.

But he's all right.

He's all right.

Just take some of the rocks

out of there.

He seems okay.

[ clears throat ]

although, uh,

he looks a little pale.

[pail]

[ sighs ]

well, I'll tell you --

things around here have gone

from worse to bratwurst.

They got rules about where you

can sit, where you can walk.

You can't talk too loud.

You can't whisper at anybody.

As far as I'm concerned,

everybody has been stripped

totally of all of their rights,

every last single one.

I'm back, uncle red,

and I'm ready to do my job.

Oh, uh, hi, harold.

Where's my ax?

My ax is gone.

Someone stole my ax!

You're wearing it!

You're wearing it!

Is it okay?!

What did you do?

Don't break it, okay?

It's fine, harold.

Watch this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

see? No problem.

Oh, you can do that now,

too, can you?

Well, I'm back, you know,

your producer/director.

Here to do my job.

No, no, no,

harold, harold,

we've been getting along fine

without you.

Anyway, as I was saying,

as far as I'm concerned,

possum lodge has turned

into orwell's "1984,"

marked down to $9.95.

Mind you,

the weather is real nice.

We have to say that,

even if there's a hurricane.

Can I give you a hand

with this?

No, I'm fine.

I'm fine, harold, really.

I figure that

there's gonna be a huge revolt

at tonight's lodge meeting

and probably gonna end up with

people getting their jobs back.

Everybody,

you know, here?

No, no, I figure

just noel and helmut.

[ screeching ]

oh, oh, there's the call

to meeting.

So, how you been getting along

without me? How you coping?

It's good.

Can I give you a hand

with that?

No, I'm fine.

I don't mind helping

with that.

No, no,

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Harold, harold, we got to go

to the meeting, okay?

We got to get

brainwashed.

Brainwashed?!

Do you a world of good.

[ screeching ]

[ whimpers ]

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise.

I-I-I'm sorry, red.

I-I'm invoking the emergency

clause of the lodge charter,

which means

I'll be running this meeting.

Right, helmut?

Right.

Fine.

[ clears throat ]

all:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Did I say

you may sit?!

Yeah, you did --

right after "did I say."

oh. All right.

Okay.

Well, let's not beat

around the bush today, fellas.

Our first order of business --

noel christmas,

our former head of security,

spent $5,000 of lodge money

on a surveillance system

which randomly explodes,

showering us all with singed

teddy-bear stuffing.

[ cheers and applause ]

way to go.

Now, I feel very strongly

that noel should pay for it

and/or be expelled

from the lodge.

All those in favor?

Now, hold on there,

bucko.

I think we've got a bigger issue

than that to vote on.

Now, I've collected

an extensive list of complaints

against helmut,

lodge security.

Some of them

aren't even mine.

So, I say we vote

to return things

back to the way they were.

Yes. Yeah.

Back to the way they were.

I think that's a great idea.

It is. It is so.

That's including my job, too,

yeah. I second that motion.

You know, if I had a vote,

I would do that,

because

I don't have a vote.

[ all clamoring ]

just a minute.

Just a minute!

Helmut, do something.

Shut up!

[ silence ]

thank you.

Now, there will be no vote,

and there will be no discussion,

and no one will leave this place

until I get my pants back.

They're lime-green polyester,

and they're very difficult

to replace.

Try the rag bin

at the car wash.

Harold: Wa-a-a-a!

Lime green, eh?

I took those pants home.

Douglas: What?

Yeah, I thought

they were ladies slacks,

so I gave them to my mom.

But they didn't

really fit her

until she let

the crotch out on them,

and now they look

quite good.

You gave my birthday pants

to your mother?

Oh, calm down.

I can bring them back.

I don't want them now that

your mother has worn them.

What's wrong

with my mother?

Harold: Ooh!

Are you saying there's something

wrong with my mother?!

N-noel, protect me.

In your dreams!

Get up.

Ooh!

[ whimpers ]

see that?

All those in favor

of reinstating me

as head of lodge security,

say "aye."

aye! Aye!

Aye! Aye!

Thank you very much.

Oh, and all those in favor

of reinstating red

as leader of possum lodge,

say "aye."

aye! Aye!

Aye! Aye!

Welcome back, red.

Thank you, noel.

And all those in favor

of reinstating me

as the special-effects

technician

on "the red green show,"

say "aye."

[ jeering ]

you can say it.

You can say it out loud,

if you want.

All those in favor

of reinstating me

as head of lodge maintenance,

say "aye."

aye! Aye!

Aye! Aye!

Thank god. I was really getting

tired of playing the heavy.

Well, since there's

nobody left to reinstate,

I call on douglas to supply

the evening's entertainment.

Douglas?

[ meekly ]

thank you, red.

Man: Get on with it!

Well, f-fellas,

m-my topic for today

is knowing

your own limitations.

Well, there you see it --

democracy in action.

Well, I should say

"noel in action."

actions speak louder than words,

and take a heck

of a lot less horsepower.

Anyway,

douglas is not too happy,

but the people have spoken,

albeit rather incoherently.

But we're all going back now

to being free men,

although you really are

never truly free, are you?

And speaking of which,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting tonight,

and I'm really glad that

our marriage is a democracy...

Even if you do have nine votes.

So, until next time, on behalf

of myself and possibly harold

and the rest of the gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ chuckles ]

oh, did the mean man hurt you,

my precious baby, huh?

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!