The Chainsaw Races/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Chainsaw Races

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

{The camera pulls back to reveal Winston, holding a book, standing behind the card table where Red and Dalton are seated.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Tonight's winner gets a copy of my brand new book. Now, this is for people who find the For Dummies book a little too complicated.

''{Winston pulls out the book. The cover reads "DRESSING YOURSELF... FOR UTTER MORONS" and shows a drawing of a man in a blue shirt sitting on a man in an orange shirt.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: "Dressing Yourself for Utter Morons."

{Winston opens the book and shows off a page in it, which reads "#4 SHOES LAST" and features a drawing of a red shoe.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Number four: shoes last. {closes book} Okay Dalton, cover your ears. {Dalton does so} Red, you have 30 seconds to get Dalton to say this word: {picks up word sign and turns it around} "Early!" "Early!"

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {puts down word sign} And go!

RED GREEN: Okay Dalton, you set your alarm clock 'cause you want to wake up...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Irritable.

RED GREEN: Okay, If you're not late, you're...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Still alive!

RED GREEN: Oh no, oh no. Okay, which bird gets the worm?

DALTON HUMPHREY: The big-name one?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Almost out of time, guys.

RED GREEN: All right, um, um, {snaps fingers} okay. Dalton, what makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Do I look like I know?

RED GREEN: No no. But but but, you know. Something to bed, something to rise.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {thinking} Oh...

RED GREEN: No no, no no no. Okay. No no no, no no. You know that when you go to a party and when you get there before you should, you are...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Alone.

RED GREEN: Why did you figure alone?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Because if I take Anne-Marie, I never get anywhere early.

RED GREEN: There it is! {rings bell rapidly}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You won! {hands his book to Dalton}

Side Segment
''{The Possum Van is pulled over by a police car on a dirt road. Red drives the Possum Van with Dalton and Mike as his passengers.}''

RED GREEN: And...what's this about?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, were you speeding?

RED GREEN: Speeding? In the Possum Van, Dalton? Well, I left my wallet at home. I got no driver's license. Quick, Dalton, switch places with me!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Okay, all right, okay.

{Red and Dalton try to squeeze through to exchange seats, with Dalton now in the driver's seat.}

RED GREEN: All right, all right, all right, sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay, we're good, we're good. There we go. Yeah.

MIKE HAMAR: Is that a good idea? I think Dalton's been drinking.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, I have not, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Really? He acts this way all the time?

RED GREEN: Yeah. {to Dalton} Just get your license out, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No problem.

RED GREEN: The cop will be up here any second.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yes.

RED GREEN: What's taking him so long anyway?

MIKE HAMAR: He's probably running the check on the license plates.

RED GREEN: No, I don't think so. {pulls out the Possum Van's license plate and shows it to Mike}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Hey, what's today's date?

RED GREEN: Uh, it's the 14th.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, I think my license has expired, unless it's still 1997.

RED GREEN: No, that was years ago, Dalton.

MIKE HAMAR: Although your wardrobe implies 1962.

RED GREEN: Well, what do we do now, guys?

MIKE HAMAR: Hey, I got a license, let me drive!

RED GREEN: All right.

''{Mike, Red and Dalton all squeeze through and utter words of pain to exchange seats again. This time, Mike takes the driver's seat.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, we're fine, we're fine.

MIKE HAMAR: It'll be smooth sailing from here on. Just let me do the talking, okay?

RED GREEN: Let me see your license, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, sure. {hands license to Red}

RED GREEN: "Haisuz Rodriguez?"

MIKE HAMAR: It was my maiden name.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {calls on cell phone} Oh, hello, police? I would like to report a robbery in progress at the main intersection in Port Asbestos. Uh, huh, my name? Um... {Red shows Mike's license to Dalton} Haisuz Rodriguez.

{Dalton puts the phone back as the police car heads off.}