Maple Syrup/Transcript

The complete transcript for Maple Syrup

Title sequence
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, the scene cuts to a shot of Harold swinging a baseball bat around, trying to hit a radio, only to hit a lamp, smashing it.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Hi, this is Red Green. In today's show, Harold criticizes adults...

''{Cut to a shot of Bill holding up a flashlight, Red standing nearby. Bill turns on the flashlight and a blast of sparks shoot out of it. Red jumps back, startled.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Bill shows us camping lanterns...

{Cut to a shot of Red cutting a patio table with a chainsaw.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I turn a patio table into a windsurfer.

''{Cut to an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshots appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.}''

Intro
''{The camera moves through the Lodge from a back room, cluttered with various items, as it goes out into the main room of the Lodge. All the while, Harold introduces the show.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Here's the man who put the "out" in "outhouse". He's the greatest uncle I could ever have, unless, of course, I was adopted, but I wasn't, so no such luck for me. Anyway, here he is, Mr. Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much and thanks for tuning us in. {to Harold} Kind of an interesting introduction there, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know me: Mr. Showbiz!

''{Harold plays his switcher. A picture of him is seen flying around a flyover of Possum Lake. He laughs.}''

RED GREEN: Uh, actually, I was referring to that bit about you being adopted, you know. And if you'd been adopted, Harold, then, of course, you wouldn't be my nephew, and I wouldn't have had to give you this job.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but I don't think anybody would adopt me at this, y'know, advanced development stage that I'm in.

RED GREEN: Well, then, okay, we can do the Moses thing. We could duct-tape you into a kayak and float you down the Nile.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Yeah! Now I know you're just kidding, because there's no boats around this lodge that could float that far.

RED GREEN: {to audience} Well, he does have a point there. With the exception, of course, of Junior Singleton's boat.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Yeah, right! Junior Singleton, yeah! There's so many holes in that boat, no way Junior could fix all those holes. {to audience} No!

RED GREEN: Uh, no, Harold, he's not gonna fix the holes. Junior has upgraded his bilge pump. {to audience} What he did was, he went down to the army surplus store, and he bought – catch this – a used rocket fuel pump off a Russian intercontinental ballistic missile. I'll tell ya, the army surplus store sure has some interesting merchandise since the arms race ended.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, good! 'Cause I like that! You know, I'm in favor of beating swords into plowshares. Or– Or should I say, y'know, beating rocket fuel equipment into bilge pumps.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} How about beating you into a small, plaid lump? {smiles, bats his eyes; back to audience} Anyway, Junior got the big, huge pump all, uh, mounted inside, uh, inside his boat there, you know, and, uh, suddenly, he got a bit of a surprise when she dropped right through the hull, down to the bottom of the lake, and she was running at the time. This is what we call a setback. And, uh, but by golly, that is some kinda pump! It kept running down the bottom of the lake, and within fifteen minutes, it had pumped the whole Possum Lake totally dry!

HAROLD GREEN: {stunned} Possum Lake w– was pumped dry? Possum Lake is gone now?!

RED GREEN: Oh, no, no, no, what it did was, it temporarily transferred the lake up to the top of the hill. And then the pump ran out of gas and the water came back down again. But– But– But in the meanwhile, it gave us a chance to get out on the bottom of the dry lake, and we got some of our old boats back and a few of our appliances and so on, and... we could fix some of the divots from Moose Thompson doing cannonballs off the boathouse. And most importantly, we got Junior's great big pump back up there. {rubs his hands together} And we decided we're going to do something else with it: we're gonna use it to collect maple syrup.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} It's not maple syrup time.

RED GREEN: Harold, with a pump this size, any time is maple syrup time.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, okay, Uncle Red, you know, I'm not a tree expert or anything, but I don't think you can just get the sap to do whatever you want it to do. {laughs}

RED GREEN: Oh, sure you can, Harold. Get on with the show, will ya?

''{Harold plays his switcher. The show segues to the next segment.}''

RED GREEN: See?

Red's Campfire Song 1
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * My butterfly collection
 * Gives me so much pride.
 * My butterfly collection
 * Makes me warm inside.
 * The monarchs, blues and yellows,
 * These are beauties, man, oh, man,
 * Come and see my butterfly collection.
 * They're all wedged in the grill of my van.

Handyman Corner
''{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another part of the Lodge, where Red stands next to a worktable. Next to the table is a patio table with an umbrella in it.}''

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna show ya an interesting project that you can make {gestures toward patio table} with one of them patio umbrella tables. Now, I know the patio tables are supposed to be used out in your backyard for entertaining your neighbors, but I'd rather do something fun! I'd rather use it for windsurfing. All right, talk is cheap. Let's build. {pulls out umbrella from table} Step one: remove the umbrella. Put it away somewhere safe for later. {throws umbrella aside; it makes a clattering noise on landing} There we go. Now what you want to do is, {gestures toward table} you wanna draw out the design of your windsurfer on top of the table, so you can cut it out. {picks up a Black Magic Marker} And for that, you're gonna need some kind of a marker. {picks up a ruler} And, uh, get yourself a ruler, so you keep the edges nice and strai–

''{Red stops suddenly and notices that the ruler somehow twists around another way down the middle. He looks at it really closely.}''

RED GREEN: Boy, y'know, the bent must've been from the moss and the fungi up here. That's the amount of warpage up at the Lodge, so I'll just... {tosses ruler aside; takes marker} I'll just eyeball it.

''{Cut to an overhead shot of the table as Red draws out the design of the windsurfer on it with the marker, carefully as he can, although he deliberately wavers the lines a bit in areas. After drawing the design, he looks at the camera overhead.}''

RED GREEN: I eyeballed there pretty good, didn't I?

{Cut back to the regular perspective.}

RED GREEN: Okay, there we are, and now what we do is we cut along all those lines to cut out our surfboard. Now, you could use a handsaw for that, or if you got a real good eye, you can use an axe. But to me, this is a carving job. For a carving job, {picks up an electric knife off the worktable} I wanna use an electric knife.

''{Red suddenly looks at the knife very closely. He sniffs the blade and removes something from the tip of it on his finger and tastes it.}''

RED GREEN: That's either peanut butter or last year's turkey.

''{Red brings the knife over to the patio table and turns it on. He brings the knife down on the drawn lines, but it doesn't seem to be cutting through. It just sticks on the corner where he placed it. Wipe to a later scene. Red has his sleeves rolled up as he tries to cut the table with the knife, this time while lying on top of it on his hands and knees, but it still doesn't seem to be cutting through. Wipe to a later scene. Red stands up, his sleeves still rolled up. He has discarded the knife and is instead more easily cutting the table up with a long chainsaw. Wipe to a later scene. The now-cut-up pieces of the patio table are on the worktable. Red nods his head, satisfied.}''

RED GREEN: Now you wanna take all these pieces and turn this thing into the shape of a surfboard, {starts to form the pieces together into a surfboard shape} because if those college kids see you surfing on a patio table, you're gonna be the brunt of some insensitive comments, believe me. {puts the pieces together} This unit goes here and this goes here together here and this goes back here... {the table now looks like a surfboard, except for two smaller pieces, which Red takes and places together like a rudder} And then you take two pieces and you put those together to form yourself a rudder. Now, what you do is, you attach everything together using either the epoxy cement or, uh, maybe you like to use bolts and nuts and so on, or... whatever fastening technique you feel most confident with.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has attached the patio table pieces together into the surfboard shape, with its rudder, using duct tape. He is placing a last strip of tape on it from a roll.}''

RED GREEN: I prefer the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {looks up} Boy, that makes you feel like shootin' a curl, doesn't it? Man, look at all the cobwebs up there. Oh, well.

{Red picks up the surfboard from the worktable, carries it around in front of it, struggling to hold it steady, and places it on the floor.}

RED GREEN: All righty, there we go. {picks up umbrella, which has a wad of duct tape on the tip} I've already hoisted our sail now. I call it– I call it a sail now, 'cause it's unlucky to open an umbrella indoors. And I put a big wad of duct tape on here, so it doesn't go too far in, which is a handy thing to remember. Pop that in there... {sticks umbrella sail through umbrella hole} Looks like we got a pretty good breeze going out there, so, uh, why don't we, uh, try and catch the wind, as Donovan would say? {looks offscreen} Hey, Harold! Wanna open up the big door there?

''{The door opens and wind blows into the workshop. Bits of debris fly around Red.}''

RED GREEN: All right, so remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {moves the umbrella into a prone position} You'll find me out on the patio!

''{Red, on the surfboard with its sail, is blown forward by the wind. He moves offscreen on the surfboard. Offscreen, he crashes into something.}''

RED GREEN: Wipeout!

The Experts
{Harold stands in the Lodge basement beside a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now it's that part of the show where we expose those three little words that men find so difficult to say: "I don't know." {Red and Dougie emerge from behind a door in the back and enter into the room} And here to prove that point on the "Experts" portion of the show is my Uncle Red and his best friend in the whole world... {looks at them} Oh! {giggles} Okay. Mr. Dougie Franklin!

''{Red and Dougie wave. They all sit around the table. Harold picks up a letter.}''

HAROLD GREEN: All righty. {reads letter} "Dear Experts, my son has had several throat infections over the years, and our doctor is now saying he should have his tonsils out, which I thought was no longer a recommended procedure. What are your thoughts?"

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: My advice to this person is, get away from this doctor and every doctor as fast you can. Flee!

HAROLD GREEN: So you don't think this person should see a doctor, then?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: I don't think anybody should see a doctor. You know, the human body is nobody's business, you know? My daddy never saw a doctor a day in his life. Now, he– he smoked a pack and a half of cigarettes – plains – a day, and, uh, y'know... sure, once in a while, he might get a little coughing spell that might last, like, a weekend or something. But apart from that, he was as healthy as you or I.

RED GREEN: So you never been to a doctor, either, Doug?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Never been to a doctor, a dentist or a psychiatrist. I'm tellin' ya, the human body was not designed to be repaired from the outside. If the Good Lord had meant this to be, He would've put a hood on us somewhere. {makes car hood motions with his hand} Soon as you gotta slice through skin or start sawin' through bones, you gotta know you're dealin' with something that was designed to be maintenance-free! I tell ya, you get in there and you start tinkerin' with stuff, and you're gonna void your warranty with that master mechanic in the sky, I'll tell you that.

The Winter of Our Discount Tent
''{Red is sitting on a bench in the snow, dressed in a heavy parka. He opens a book and starts reading.}''

RED GREEN: It is winter. Cousin Jerry was lying in the snow, making snow angels. Along came the snowplow. Now Cousin Jerry is making real angels.

Visit With Buzz Sherwood
''{Buzz is working on his plane on a dock out on the lake, with its engine hood open. He is trying to fix something on it with a tool, but it slips out of his hand and falls into the lake.}''

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Aw, man! Not again!

''{Buzz picks up a net from on top of his plane and reaches down into the water with it to fish out the tool. Red walks up to the plane and Buzz.}''

RED GREEN: This thing ready to go, Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {putting net back on plane} Oh, yo, Red! Hey! No problemo!

''{Buzz playfully balls his hands into fists and shakes them in front of Red. He then turns to the camera.}''

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Hey, yo, Harold!

''{Buzz gestures the camera to come closer, which it does. Then Buzz butts it with his head, knocking it – and Harold, apparently – down on the dock floor. Buzz laughs.}''

RED GREEN: {looking down at camera} Oh, you're all right, Harold, get up. {camera doesn't pan back up} The plane's– The plane's okay to fly, huh?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {looking at plane hood} Aw, man, Norwegian wood, this bird has flown.

{Red looks back down, noticing the camera is still on the ground.}

RED GREEN: Harold, there's a dock spider going up your leg there. {camera springs back up}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: See, it needs a new carburetor, y'know? That's, like, a hundred bucks. And I don't wanna spend that kinda bread on a plane like this. {gestures to his left} Hand me the air...

RED GREEN: {voiceover; cutting off what Buzz is saying} What I was thinking was that if I got Buzz here to take me up in his airplane, and I could kinda get an aerial view of the trees around the Lodge and see which ones would be good for our syrup business. I wasn't sure about the plane, though.

''{As Red narrates, Buzz gestures to Red what he wants. Red looks around and then looks down at where Buzz is gesturing. But then Buzz waves dismissively and closes the hood.}''

RED GREEN: You sure we don't need that stuff, Buzz?

{They both head for the entrance into Buzz's plane.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, no, no, no, we'll be fine. I'm sure. Well, we'll soon find out. {laughs maniacally}

{Red climbs into the plane, followed by Buzz.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Buzz doesn't instill a lot of confidence in his passengers, but I still figure, this has gotta be the quickest, easiest way to identify all the maple trees around the Lodge.

{Buzz laughs.}

RED GREEN: Uh, Buzz, I'm– I'm– I'm– I'm just looking for maple trees, that's all.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Maple?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {looking around} I don't know if we got any maple around, y'know?

{Buzz looks down at his plane's legs, which has several branches tangled in it.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Let's see, we got, uh... we got the spruce and poplar and pine and aluminum... {sees a piece of bent metal on it; picks it up and looks at it} Aw, man, I hate those TV antennas! {throws metal piece down}

RED GREEN: {starting to climb out of plane} Buzz, I kinda... Y'know, I was gonna kinda look from the air, but I think maybe now a ground survey... I'll get my own...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Aw, man!

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Sorry.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {gently blocking Red's way} Keep the faith! You can't walk now, bro! No way! That's bad karma! {climbs into plane} You watch. You watch. {Red moves over to let Buzz in} I mean, if you walked away now, right, any money I'd start up the plane and something that could fly off, it would just sever your spine! {sits down in pilot's seat} Don't worry, don't worry, I got parachutes. {looks around inside plane} Somewhere. {laughs maniacally; points to something on dashboard} All right, see that red knob?

RED GREEN: Yeah?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: When I say "Now", turn it all the way to the right. Cool?

RED GREEN: Alright.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Alright. {pauses} Now!

''{Red turn the knob all the way over. Suddenly, loud rock music blasts from the plane radio.}''

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {loudly} Yeah!!

{Red is startled by the loud music and covers his ears, but Buzz suddenly starts dancing to the music in his seat.}

RED GREEN: {loudly, over the music} Man!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {loudly, over the music} Hey, look at this way: at least you won't hear the roar of the engine! {turns on engine; it sputters} Alright, c'mon, bring it on! Bring it on! And... {suddenly, the engine starts} Yeah!

''{Dust suddenly appears, kicked up by the plane and its propeller, and obscures the plane. Buzz yells over the racket as he starts up the plane.}''

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the Lodge, holding something in his hand.}

RED GREEN: Well, my idea of gathering syrup for our syrup business is really taking off. We got Junior's big pump all tuned up, and Moose is out there drilling holes in every tree he can find. Then we're gonna connect the trees to the intake manifold. Everybody has donated the brake lines from their cars. And pretty soon, we're gonna be sucking out a fortune worth of syrup.

HAROLD GREEN: Whoo! This is great! How did you clean all the brake fluid out of the lines?

RED GREEN: How do you mean?

HAROLD GREEN: The– The– The brake fluid. I– You know, you gotta clean the lines. I don't think people want to taste brake fluid with their maple syrup. {cringes slightly}

RED GREEN: Aw, c'mon, Harold, all food has chemicals in it. And besides, it's part of our slogan: "The syrup that puts the brakes on hunger". {back to audience} I'm telling ya, this is gonna be a real moneymaker for us. This is the big one, right here.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Yeah, I heard that one before. What about, y'know, the plywood car, or the– the peekaboo hip waders?

RED GREEN: Yeah, but that's different, Harold. This is the big one right here. We're already working on the marketing angle for Uncle Red's special syrup.

''{Red holds up what he was holding in his hand: a syrup dispenser done in his own likeness. Harold looks at it.}''

HAROLD GREEN: What, is that, like, a Ghostbuster action figure or something?

RED GREEN: No, that's the Uncle Red pancake syrup dispenser with the no-drip head.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs nervously} Whoo! {laughs again; gives a thumbs-up}

RED GREEN: A little twinge of jealousy there, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: No, it's more like a wave of nausea. Uncle Red, its très uncool, seeing you about six inches high, made of squeezable plastic stuff with maple syrup... {shudders}

RED GREEN: No, no, no, Harold, it's not maple syrup. We got Moose to drill holes in all kinds of trees. So we got oak syrup, pine syrup, spruce syrup, maple... Thirty-one flavors, Harold. We're gonna corner the syrup market.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah. I betcha that Aunt Jemima's just shaking in her starch.

{Harold plays his switcher to trigger the next scene.}

Red's Campfire Song 2
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * The wind came swirling out across the farm.
 * It blew all the hair off my granny's arm.
 * It blew the livestock down into the well.
 * Blew the clappers off the town hall bell.
 * It was a lesson we learned, and we learned it well:
 * There's one heck of a lot of turbulence when you push a barn over.

Harold's Segment
''{Harold stands next to a radio and in front of a TV in another room in the Lodge. The "Adventures With Bill" music continues to play from the previous scene, on the radio. Next to the radio is a lit lamp.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Harold tells me there's a lot of young people watching this show, and he wanted to do something just for you. Lucky you!

HAROLD GREEN: Ho! Hello, and welcome to– {glances toward radio} Welcome to– What is with that cheesy music?

''{Harold picks up a baseball bat and swings it around, trying to hit the radio, but accidentally hits the lamp instead, knocking it over. Harold watches.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {laughing} Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

''{Harold raises the bat above the radio and swings it down, but only taps the radio hard. The "Adventures With Bill" music stops.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to {a title appears, reading "WHAT'S WRONG WITH THOSE GOOFY ADULTS???"} "What's Wrong With Those Goofy Adults???".

''{Harold picks up a boombox and puts it on top of the radio. He turns it on. Funky music plays on it and Harold starts dancing slightly to it. He laughs.}''

HAROLD GREEN: This is the part of the show that's aimed at the younger generation. The cool people! This is the part of the show where we get to tell our parents and our teachers and those really smelly guys at the arcade what really ticks us off, you know? Things like cheesy music or– or homework or cauliflower or... getting a cardigan for your birthday or... uh, what else? Oh, you know– you know what's the worst? Where you gotta sit around the house and the whole family sits there and tries to figure out who you look like the most, right? Not being able to wear your clothes backwards, people saying how handsome you're gonna be when your skin clears up!

''{The door behind Harold suddenly opens and an irate Red storms in, his head looking down. He walks up to the boombox.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {not noticing Red} (?) We just hate that, right? So this is our opportunity to say, "Well, no more–"

''{Suddenly, he gets cut off by what is happening. He notices Red, who had just angrily taken the baseball bat and slammed it down on the boombox, turning off the music and knocking it over. Harold looks down at what just happened.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Or having your show canceled after the first episode. {laughs nervously; to Red, who is now about to leave} You still got that headache, do ya, Uncle Red? {Red stares at Harold and then turns to leave again} That's a yes.

{Red walks out the door, closing the door behind him.}

Visit With Reg Hunter
{Red is out in the woods with Reg Hunter.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I figured Reg Hunter could help us with the trees and the syrup, 'cause he's a vegetarian. {speaking to Red} Reg, I wanted to ask you: is the sap any good?

REG HUNTER: Oh, the sap's the best part! The sap is the blood of the tree. It's got everything good and it comes in a liquid concentrate. See, that's why trees can grow hundreds of feet high and people can't! They– {suddenly, he gets cut off by the sound of an animal making a strange howling noise} Shh. {the animal is heard howling again; aims his gun} Oh, yes... {fires guns} Sh. {they both listen for the noise; nothing happens; pumps his arm excitedly} Yes! {the animal is heard howling; Red shakes his head while Reg just shrugs} There must've been two of them.

''{Reg walks along and Red follows. Reg puts his hand to his mouth and mimics the strange howling noise that the animal in question had made, but Red suddenly interrupts him.}''

RED GREEN: Reg?

''{Red's interrupting Reg startles the latter and he accidentally fires his gun in the air. The bullet knocks a branch off of one tree and it falls down on them. They duck down to try to avoid it. They then get up, Red keeping behind Reg.}''

RED GREEN: Reg, I think I'm just gonna stay behind ya here. {they continue to walk on} Wh– What exactly are we, uh, hunting today? You know, just so our– so our viewers will know.

REG HUNTER: Oh, uh, we're hunting an animal that makes this sound... {puts hand to mouth and mimics the strange howling} Something like that.

RED GREEN: I've no idea what that is, Reg.

REG HUNTER: Well, neither do I, but I bet I can put a bullet in it.

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, it was unfortunate. The shivering-off didn't– didn't really go so well.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs; sarcastically} There's a major understatement. {laughs again}

RED GREEN: Well, the first part went okay. We hooked Junior's pump up to about fifty trees and then we switched it on. In about fifteen seconds, it sucked them all dry. Forty-foot oak trees imploding!

HAROLD GREEN: {laughing} Shoulda seen it! Shoulda seen it! You know what it looked like? {removes switcher from around himself} You know, it's so, so cool! You know what it looked like? It looked like the Wicked Witch of the West in "The Wizard of Oz"! You know, {high-pitched; pantomimes while speaking} "I'm melting! I'm melting! I'll get you and your little dog, too!" {cackles; falls down on the floor, screaming and then groaning}

RED GREEN: {looking down at Harold, then back at camera; singsong voice} If he only had a brain... {normal voice} Anyway, it was really something to see. Full-grown birch trees shrinking right back down to saplings and even the– even the leaves were kinda curling up and rolling up the branches. But the worst part–

HAROLD GREEN: {getting back up} Oh, no! No, let me say it! You know what the worst part was? The– {laughs} The worst part– worst part was, like, the noise! It was amazing! Sounded like God flushed every toilet in Heaven all at once!

RED GREEN: Now, how would you know that, Harold? Have you ever heard all the toilets in Heaven flush at the same time?

HAROLD GREEN: No.

RED GREEN: Well, if you keep interrupting, you will.

HAROLD GREEN: Sorry.

RED GREEN: All right. As I was saying, the worst part was the sound. It sounded like... a big noise of some kind. {pauses} The heavenly toilet thing, I guess. And, uh, and then the roots– the roots– the roots came up, right through the ground and they shriveled up and they started rolling up and they went down through the hoses and into the pump. I'll tell ya, we would've been real scared if we weren't laughing so hard. {smiles}

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's the cry of the Possum. That's meeting time, so I'm gonna go. {turns to leave}

RED GREEN: {stopping Harold} Uh, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes?

RED GREEN: Tell the guys that the pancake brunch is on hold.

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} I would think so. {leaves}

RED GREEN: {to camera} Well, y'know, I think we have all learned a life lesson this week, which is, uh, "Never connect a used Russian rocket fuel pump up to a large deciduous tree." And, uh, if my wife is watching, maybe we should embroider that little snippet of wisdom onto one of them samplers, and we'll hang that in the (?) there, that kind of thing, so... I'll be coming home straight after the meeting, and I can help you spell "deciduous". There's at least one J in it. {to audience} And to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, thanks for watching, keep your stick on the ice. {waves and heads for the stairs}

''{Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Bob Stuyvesant walks over to the front of the room, followed moments later by Red. Bob stands next to Harold, while next to Red are Hap Shaughnessy and Glen Brachston.}''

HAROLD GREEN: All rise.

{Everyone stands and puts their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits back down, except Red, who remains standing and picks up a clipboard} Before we get started with the meeting, we're gonna need everybody's help here to rebuild the forest, all right?