The Catfish Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

in today's show,

bill's gonna throw the discus

right into my windshield wiper.

Thank you, bill.

Dougie, I guess, has picked

up something off the carpet.

I don't know

what he's doing there.

I'm gonna actually show you

how to make a stretch rowboat.

And buzz is gonna

dry-clean his plane.

And now here's a man who's

proved where there's a will,

there's a wilderness,

my uncle red green!

Red: Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And now meet the guy

who proves where there's a will,

there's a won't, my nephew and

director by marriage, harold.

Wa-a-a!

Yee-hi!

Oh, man.

Big stuff

up at the lodge this week.

One of the local churches

is having their annual fishing

fundraiser contest thing --

the "catch a catfish

for confirmation" contest.

And all the proceeds

are gonna go to

their "bible

in every motel room" fund.

So out in possum lake we got to

have 500 fishermen out there,

casting, throwing, whatever.

Moose thompson is so convinced

he's gonna catch a great,

big catfish

that he took the winch

off his truck,

and he soldered it to a great,

big metal flagpole.

Wow. How many fish

have we reeled in so far?

None.

In fact, if this keeps up,

it might turn into

the biggest-bait contest.

But I figure they got to catch

a catfish eventually,

'cause catfish

are bottom feeders,

and you can't get more bottom

than possum lake.

Uncle red, there aren't

any catfish in possum lake.

They like freshwater.

Oh, you're just whining

'cause the catfish

are smarter than you, harold.

That's not true.

I'm just not interested

in fishing

because I am

a television producer.

Oh, that's right.

He's already a bottom feeder.

And, you know, these wings,

they're really strong.

You know, the other night,

we were having a party.

I had seven people

on this thing dancing.

Great party.

Good thing we didn't hit

any air pockets.

Whoa!

[ laughs ]

[ guitar playing ]

♪ well, you can see the effect

of the modeling school ♪

♪ in the way she walks

and she sits ♪

♪ but there simply is not

a ladylike way ♪

♪ to get rid of

watermelon pits ♪

♪ no, you can't

really hide them ♪

♪ there's nowhere

to put them ♪

♪ and eating them

is really tough ♪

♪ so I say you hock back

and spit them at the waiter ♪

♪ and eventually

he'll stop serving the stuff ♪

well, here it is.

Two days to go till

the big weekend camping trip.

No kids, no housework,

no responsibilities,

and no way

you're gonna get to go.

Because you haven't

told her yet.

And when you do, whoo,

she is gonna blow a head gasket.

Why is it that men leave

everything to the last minute?

I think we just try to

cover our backsides

by saying

we like to be spontaneous.

You know what

I think it is?

I think

we're afraid of the women.

No, no, red.

I disagree.

I think it's just

'cause, well,

we're really just kind of

ashamed of ourselves.

Anyway, we're gonna

give you an excuse

so you'll be able to

go to the trip, all right?

Like, you got to, say,

come up with a dying relative

or a friend.

Preferably one

out of town.

Yeah, one

she's never heard of.

And you're gonna say something

to the effect of, uh,

"he's gonna be on his death bed

on Friday night,

"and, uh,

I'll, of course,

"be taking my golf clubs

and my fishing tackle

"just in case

there's some weird music

"and a bolt of lightning

comes down

"and he's up on his feet

on Sunday,

looking for something

to do."

well, she's gonna see through

that like a screen door.

She'll know you're lying.

Well, and that's the trick

to bad lying.

I mean, you got to let

your loved one

think she figured it

all out for herself.

That way she'll get mad

and get it all blown off

in a big hurry

'cause you're just so pathetic

and stupid.

And then, of course, you can go

off with the guys for a while,

and, you know, she'll have a

couple of days to cool her jets,

maybe realize how much she

wants, needs, and misses you.

But don't stay away too long,

'cause she might realize

how much she really wants,

needs, and misses you.

"for sale. For sale.

"do-it-yourself mink coat,

"mink stole, mink jacket,

and mink hat.

"kit includes one male mink,

one female mink,

"there's a bag of mink food,

and one cage.

Some assembly required."

[ ducks quacking ]

you know, with everybody

out on possum lake

trying to catch themselves

a catfish,

I thought I would share with you

one of the secrets

of freshwater fishing.

Just one word -- "image."

you got to look

like you're the expert.

It doesn't catch you

any more fish.

But it sure intimidates the

other fishermen and fisherwomen,

fisherkids and so on.

And it makes them

lose their concentration,

and they start

doing stupid things --

you know, sticking

their hooks in their thumbs

or trying to scale fish

with the outboard motor

or, even worse,

they try to copy you.

And that pretty much

guarantees failure.

Now, I got a couple of fishing

boats on a trailer here.

I did have them on a trailer.

Well, it looked like a 1 7/8,

but I guess that was

a 2-inch hitch.

There's only two ways, really,

to create an image.

One is to lie,

which has been pretty much

overused since the nixon era.

And the other one is to have

real impressive-looking

fishing equipment.

But that takes a lot of money.

So today I'm gonna show you how

you can use a real cheap method

to look like a rich,

successful fisherman.

You've all seen a stretch limo.

You heard of one of them

dc-stretch-8 airplanes.

How about a stretch

fishing boat?

Alls you need is a chainsaw,

and you can turn a pair of punts

into a two-huller.

[ chainsaw whirring,

fire crackling ]

there we go.

Now we got all our pieces

to make ourselves

a really big fishing boat.

Here's an extra bonus.

We managed to make ourselves

an anchor. That was lucky.

All right,

now what we got to do

is separate our bow out

from our stern here

to start stretching her out.

So let's get the bow

out of the way.

All righty.

Just gonna try

and line up the cuts there.

That looks good.

All right, now we get the stern

out through there.

[ grunts ]

[ grunts ]

all right.

Now all we got to do

is come in here

and take our midship,

move it back into our midship.

[ grunting ]

there we go.

Now, of course, you just connect

all these pieces together

using, say, rivets

or welding

or, you guessed it,

the handyman's secret weapon,

duct tape.

Now, the paddles here

have got to go.

'cause you cannot be powering

a craft of this nature

and try to look affluent

if you're driving along

with paddles.

So I would recommend you go

with an outboard motor on there

of some nature --

maybe 100 horsepower,

maybe even more, depending

on how bad your seams leak.

Oh, wow.

All right, we, uh -- we have

a couple pieces left over here.

We have a bow,

and we have a stern.

You know how I hate leftovers.

Got an idea.

There we go.

What's better

than a stretch fishing boat?

How about a stretch fishing boat

with a bimini top?

Huh? Keeps the sun off you

and your cooler.

Keeps the rain off.

Talk about image.

You'll look like cleopatra

barging her way down the nile.

So, until next time,

happy fishing.

And remember -- if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Oh, here's another bonus.

[ grunts ]

she doubles as a lifeboat.

That's probably the most

important feature of all.

Coming up, we're gonna

clean out buzz's plane,

and I'm gonna split some wood

while I talk with the teenagers,

so it won't be

a complete waste of time.

I was in town the other day

and saw a bunch of kids

on those roller blades.

You know what

roller blades are?

They're those little skates

that have, uh,

couch casters on them

instead of blades.

Now, look,

I don't like to make judgments

about you teenagers

and your free time

and how you waste it,

but are you guys crazy or what?

Skates are for ice,

not for pavement.

I mean, fall on ice skates,

and, okay,

you're gonna slide for a while.

You might slog your noggin

on the goal post or something.

But you'll get over it.

You know, you'll be able to

carry on a conversation,

perhaps have children

of your own someday.

Whereas you fall on the roller

blades on the pavement there,

and you're gonna leave

a trail of skin and flesh.

That's gonna make it real hard

to identify the body

at the end of the skid mark.

You know, when the human form

comes into glancing contact

with a gritty surface

like, say, cement or pavement,

the coefficient to friction

is really

working against you there.

So for gosh sakes, take it easy.

If you have to be on wheels...

Hot-wire a car or something.

"wanted -- any and all

kathie lee gifford albums.

"will pay cash for your

kathie lee gifford records,

"including her 'best of' album

and 'kathie lee sings

her favorite christmas carols.'"

[ chuckles ]

"contact the possum lodge lake

skeet-shooting club."

oh, that's not even --

well, we just reeled in

our first fish

in the "catch a catfish

for confirmation" contest,

and, man, it's a beauty.

47 feet long.

47 feet?

One fish?

Yep, 47-foot catfish.

That would have to be a record,

I would think, of some kind.

Wa-a-a!

That's not a record.

That's some kind of mutant

freak of nature, I would think.

That's scary.

Well, you would know,

harold.

I'll tell you, they reeled it

up onto the beach here.

They had to use

flinty mcclintock's tow truck.

First time a tow truck

had been used to bring in a fish

as far as I would know.

Wow. Who managed to reel in

and land a fish that size?

Oh, don't tell me.

Moose thompson and his

custom-made fishing rod, right?

The one that has the winch

soldered to the flagpole.

[ chuckles ]

no. Old man sedgwick.

Caught it on his anchor

using stinky peterson as bait.

I'm guessing

there's a story here.

It's a normal fish story,

harold.

Old man sedgwick throws

the anchor over.

Anchor chain tangles around

stinky's foot. Over he goes.

Fish swallows stinky, dies,

floats to the surface.

They tow the fish in,

fish belches, out comes stinky.

[ laughs ]

unbelievable.

Stinky said you should have

seen the one that got away.

Just a normal fish story.

Oh, yeah, captain "aflab"

and moby "doink."

here we are

with buzz sherwood,

our resident bush pilot

and daredevil extraordinary.

Red, you know, you're only

as young as you feel.

That's true.

Boom!

[ laughs ]

I'm gonna be going up

in the plane with buzz today,

so, buzz,

tell us a bit about it.

Is this, what,

a cessna 150, is it?

Actually, red,

this is kit plane.

I built it around

an old volkswagen beetle

I used to have.

Actually,

I had nine of them.

Hey, hop on.

All right.

Age before beauty.

[ laughs ]

ah, you got

a bit of stuff here, buzz.

Oh, well, throw it out.

Throw it out.

All right.

Yeah, after today

I'm gonna sell beauty,

and I'm gonna buy

a submarine.

What? Where you

gonna find a submarine?

Down on possum lake.

I was doing some, uh, low-level

trolling this morning, you know,

in the "catch a catfish

for confirmation" contest.

You go trolling

from an airplane?

Yeah, with this.

Scares the bejesus

out of the contestants.

[ laughs ]

anyway, I see someone's

beached their submarine

over on rock reef point.

I even took a picture of it.

See?

That's not a submarine.

That's the big catfish

old man sedgwick caught.

Wow! No kidding!

Yeah.

Whoa. Well, keep the

geiger counter in there, man.

We got to

check this mutant out.

All righty.

Whoa!

That was the greatest!

Man, harold,

you missed some great stunts.

I mean, technically,

these planes aren't capable of

doing those kind of maneuvers,

but the people that write

the technical manuals,

they're a bunch of wimps!

[ laughs ]

well, thanks, buzz.

I really,

really enjoyed that ride,

and, uh, very educational.

Yeah!

It was educational for me, too!

I had no idea

he knew those kind of words.

[ laughs ]

"for sale -- used barbecue."

it's a gas barbecue

that's for sale.

"the tank is rusted,

burners are rusted,

"the hoses are ruptured,

glass is cracked,

"and the wheels are broken.

$300 or best offer."

"winter warmth," by me.

We all scarf down

seven bowls of lodge chili.

Then we're off to sit

in the ice-fishing hut,

where it's minus-10 degrees,

windchill factor minus-30.

It's "male call."

[ bell rings ]

wa-a-a!

Got a letter here from,

uh, vincent kuhm.

Vincent has drawn a picture

of you and I, harold.

Boy, he sure got you right,

didn't he?

Yeah.

Made you

a little thin, though.

See, I got a letter here from

matthew babee from edmonton.

Matthew is one of

our younger viewers.

And matthew writes,

"sometimes my siblings

say that 'the red green show'

is for idiots."

oh, I don't think so.

Does your family

watch the show, harold?

Nope.

See?

All righty.

There's a letter here fr--

hey, wait a second!

Here's a letter here from karen

in au train, michigan.

And she says,

"your show is just like

"what is happening here

in au train

with us and our neighbors."

well, karen,

I would suggest you move...

Say beirut

or somewhere safe.

Wa-a-a!

Good advice.

Oh, uncle red, listen to this.

Listen to this. Listen to this.

Sounds just like

the possum van.

"p.S., one person up here

actually buried an old van

and used it

for a septic tank."

wa-a-a!

Well, I'm not planning

on doing that

with the possum van,

harold.

Well, I know not you,

but I thought maybe the guy

who sold it to you did that,

you know.

Well, something a little bit

special this week.

Bill is having

his very own version

of the possum lodge

olympic games.

Got the torch here --

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, watch yourself there,

bill.

Little haircut coming.

[ chuckles ]

you got to love the -- anyway,

he had the various events,

like the decath-- that's

a hammer -- hammer throw.

Is it the pentathlon?

What the heck is that, anyway?

You swing that around.

The idea is I guess

it's the centrifugal force,

they call this.

And you let that go, and then

whatever goes the farthest,

you measure the dis--

no, no, the other way, bill.

The other way.

Back over towards...

Yeah, towards --

towards the van.

Oh. Oh.

All right, now,

this is another event

that the greeks

made very famous,

as they did

with so many of their habits.

This was the discus.

I think bill may slip one.

It's in your other hand there,

bill.

Yeah.

Uh, bill is not greek.

That's pretty obvious

by especially that pose there.

And he spins around

and is gonna let her --

okay, bill,

stay inside the circle.

Up she comes and is coming --

bill, bill, bill, bill, bill,

bill, bill!

Oh.

Strike two.

And, uh, what's this?

Oh, the sho-- oh, the shot put.

Shot put. Very hea-- oh.

Oh.

These are very heavy

little balls,

and you try and throw them

as far as you can.

Olympics seem to be

kind of a theme here.

You just pick up stuff

and throw it as far as you can.

Those greeks must have had

trouble with their neighbors.

You know, I'm thinking

of picking up something

and throwing it

as far as I can, too.

It's standing beside --

no, you don't.

No, you don't.

No, no, no.

No means no. No.

[ groans ]

oh, try the underhanded,

like taking your kid bowling

or something.

Oh, boy.

Thank you, bill.

And, uh, what's this now?

Oh, the javelin.

Oh, now, I love this.

I love this.

This is certainly -- oh.

And -- oh.

I love the idea of being

able to go out and hunt

with an actual, uh,

sporting equip-- oh.

Well, he's caught himself

something there.

Yep.

You all right there, bill?

I'm trying not to laugh

at this point.

Now, let me help you.

I'll stand on your foot.

Here we go.

Pull it on out of there.

[ grunting ]

there you go.

Now you can carry the -- oh.

So bill has decided

that he came in number one.

The judges rule otherwise.

So bill is number two.

And speaking of number two,

stay tuned.

Winston rothschild

will be here to pump you out.

And you want to be close by

when the catfish explodes.

"the mating season," by me.

Spring, the mating season,

the courting ritual.

The primping and preening

by the male.

The teasing and eventual

consenting by the female.

The decision as to who pays

for the room.

Next. Next.

"would the owner of an '85

le sabre with a blue door,

"primer-red trunk,

gray-primer fender,

"missing rear left fender,

white hood, and a rusted roof,

would you please buy a new car,

for pete's sake?"

oh, okay.

[ rattling ]

[ water splashes ]

well, that huge dead catfish

that old man sedgwick

reeled up onto the beach

has turned into

a real attraction here.

I cannot believe people

don't have anything better to do

than stand around

and look at a dead fish.

Just like old man sedgwick

looking in the mirror, harold.

You know what

he's gonna do with it?

Feed africa for a year?

No, harold, he wants to

make money with the thing.

Uncle red, you cannot make money

off a dead catfish.

Now, harold,

that's exactly the reason

your generation

can't find jobs.

What we're gonna do

is we were thinking maybe

cover it up with sheet metal,

make it a tourist attraction --

carl the chrome catfish.

But that was before we got

the fish-oil idea.

Excuse me? Fish oil?

Yeah, fish oil.

You know, like you have

cod-liver oil.

Why not sedgwick's catfish

gall-bladder oil?

It'll be a medicine.

Who's gonna prescribe it,

dr. Kevorkian?

Wa-a-a!

No, harold,

we're gonna get rich here.

You know, whale oil, they use

that for cosmetics and perfume.

Why can't there be

catfish cosmetics?

Yeah, you could call it

"fish face."

[ laughs ]

laugh if you want, harold.

You won't be laughing when you

see our colognes in every store.

Oh.

Catfish perfume --

it'll reel in the suckers.

I tell you, harold,

that fish is a windfall.

[ spraying ]

whoo-hoo.

Yeah, but only if you're upwind.

Since we're coming out

with our new line

of catfish colognes

and fish fragrances,

thought I'd talk to local

entrepreneur winston rothschild.

If your septic overflows,

just call winston with his hose.

Yeah, winston, you've made

a real successful business here,

have you not?

Red, I like to think I've gone

from effluence to affluence.

[ slurping ]

so, uh, winston,

we're starting a new thing here.

What do you think's

the most important thing

when you're going

into business?

Is it, uh, reliability

of the service,

the dependability,

the honesty?

What is it? What is

the real secret to this thing?

No, no, the secret is having

a catchy, flashy name

that folks

can remember, eh.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I learned that from a course

I once took called, uh,

"the ultimate

super success story --

in one easy step to riches,

fame, and glory."

[ slurping ]

oh!

I was gonna call my company

tidy toidy, eh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had this little animated

character called mr. Tidy toidy,

and he'd be sitting there,

holding a big hunk of hose

in two feet of sewage, eh.

But it was too, uh, well,

you know, uh...

Yeah.

Cute.

Yeah. Cute.

Then I was gonna call it

mcdrainage, eh.

But some major fast-food chain

threatened to sue me.

Oh, sure.

Oh, I see.

What you're saying is

the secret to success

is for us to find ourselves

a catchy name.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Youse guys are looking for

a name for perfume, right?

Uh-huh.

So it's got to be a hot name

that suggests romance.

I'm thinking, uh, "sin."

oh, uh, "fling."

ooh. Or how about this --

"buck naked and drunk."

what do you think?

Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, listen,

there's a whale of a stench

down by the beach right now.

I believe someone's

in need of my services.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's just the big catfish

old man sedgwick caught.

That thing's been lying out

in the sun all afternoon.

Really?

Yeah.

[ sniffs ]

hey, that gives me

a good idea

for the name

of your perfume, eh.

Great.

How about "swoon"?

Well, that's it for this fish,

so thanks for watching.

On behalf of the fish

and keep your fish on the...

Uncle red? Uncle red?

Uncle red, what happened to

the fish in the -- ho! Hello!

Whoo! There's a fish on that --

are you -- what happened?

Catfish.

Oh, hi, harold.

What -- the 47-foot fish,

uncle red. What happened?

Gone.

Gone?

Gone.

A-are you all right?

Yeah. A little dizzy

from the concussion, harold.

The concussion?

Bottom feeder, harold,

catfish.

Moose soldering, propane.

Left the tank going.

Still going.

Falls into the lake.

Still going.

Did I say --

still going.

Still going.

And catfish comes along,

and a big catfish.

47 feet.

3 feet.

3 feet. Good one.

Swallows the propane.

Still going.

Inflates, harold.

Really big.

47 feet.

All propane, harold.

Moose cutting it

with a chainsaw.

Spark.

Boom, harold.

Boom. Boom. Yeah.

Boom.

Rained fish for 30,

40 minutes, harold.

Ew.

I'm fine. I kept my clothes,

but moose --

the chainsaw, the overalls,

the body hair...

...His future family gone.

[ screeching ]

uncle red,

that was the cry of the possum.

It's meeting time, okay?

It was horrible, harold.

Raining fish.

Okay, well,

we'll just get you cleaned up,

and then we'll go

to the meeting, okay?

Yeah. Boom,

and then fish.

Fish as far

as you can see, harold.

Well, if my aunt bernice

is watching,

uncle red will be okay

in a few minutes.

And, uh,

for the rest of you,

on behalf of myself

and uncle red

and everyone else

up here at possum lodge,

thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice,

okay?

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all: Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

Red:

[ nasally ] oh, man!

All right,

we don't know what it is.

But hopefully

someday it'll be on its way

and we won't

have to worry about it.

Harold,

can you explain this at all?

Whoo!

What?

To find out more about

possum lodge merchandise,

call 1-800-ypossum

or check out harold's home page

on the internet,

www.Redgreen.Com.