The Electrical Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

on today's show, buzz sherwood

says hello

in his own special way...

I'm gonna turn a bicycle into an

electric-generating station...

Trouble on the couch --

explain that later...

And I'm gonna show you

the in-depth dangers

of smoking on the job.

The host of the show and

the uncle to me, mr. Red green!

Wa-a-a!

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

If your, uh, tv picture kind of

goes kind of nuts at home there,

please don't adjust

your set.

'cause it's just

the high-tech trickery

of the producer/director/nephew,

harold. Wa-a-a!

[ squish! Squeak! ]

[ whistle! ]

no. I was referring to another

minor inconvenience.

The electric system's all out

of whack here up at possum lake.

Yeah. It's moose thompson's

homemade fence, isn't it?

His electric homemade fence,

isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Well, he didn't insulate

it very well, harold.

He didn't insulate it

at all!

It's just

a bunch of bare wires

running

from branch to branch.

Every time there's the slightest

breeze, a tree explodes.

Yeah.

Apparently, it's affecting

the whole power system, too.

Every time moose's dog leaves

his mark on a tree,

it blows out a circuit breaker

in ottawa.

So, they've told us, either we

disconnect that electric fence

or they're gonna cut off

our electric power,

and we're gonna have to build

our own generating station.

Wow. Doesn't leave you

much choice.

Certainly doesn't,

so we start working

on the generating station

tomorrow, I figure.

What?

Oh, yeah.

I hate being pushed around

by those public utilities,

harold.

Now all's we got to decide

is whether we're gonna be

oil-fired, coal-fired,

or build a dam.

Well, I figure

you'll be all fired,

and no one

will give a damn.

[ laughs ]

winston rothschild here

of rothschild sewage

and septic sucking services

reminding you,

no reason to blush

if your toilet won't flush.

Call 1-800-555-suck!

[ clothesline squeaking ]

♪ oh, he was

a real big dog ♪

♪ his name was kong ♪

♪ he must have weighed

300 pounds ♪

♪ one eye was blue,

and the other was gone ♪

♪ and he tended to do things

in mounds ♪

♪ there wasn't a job

that dog couldn't do ♪

♪ if you gave him the plans,

he'd build it ♪

♪ until he darted across

the road one night ♪

♪ ran over a suzuki sidekick

and killed it ♪

[ kazoo plays ]

well, you are in the soup now,

my son.

Goose is cooked.

Fox is in the henhouse.

You went

to your wife's company party.

You sat in the corner,

rude and acting bored

the whole evening.

You figured, roomful of jerks,

who could blame you?

Well, your wife.

That's who.

You can't slough

this one off with,

"must have been

something I ate."

no, you're gonna have to eat

some crow

and surprise the wife.

What you have to do

is invite over to your house

the most obnoxious couple

you met at the company party.

Bite the bullet.

Restitution.

Calm the waters.

We're gonna show you

a couple of pointers

to help ease the pain.

Yeah.

Do it when it's nice out

so you won't be stuck

in the house.

Yeah.

Maybe play horseshoes.

That way you're gonna be

30 feet away from them.

Don't even have to

talk to them.

Might even be able to

beat them.

Or nail them

with a horseshoe.

[ laughs ]

well,

acc-- accidental-like.

All right.

Have a barbecue.

That way you can cook their meat

blacker than a mole's armpit.

Or invite them

when the bugs are biting

so they might react and swell up

and have to rush home early.

Worst-case scenario,

you're looking at two hours,

and they're out of there.

Your wife's talking to you

again,

and your life's back

the way you want it.

Till

the next company party.

[ quacking ]

well, with everybody

trying to think of ways

to generate electricity

this week,

I thought we'd get

"handyman corner" into the act

with this old bicycle here.

Now, these things had

a little unit on the back,

a little generator that worked

by the rotation

of the tire here,

and the power would go up

the wire

and around -- around

the crossfire.

You got to be careful of that.

And then would go up

into the headlight here.

The only problem

with these things

is that they require

a fair amount of speed.

You got to be going

at a pretty good clip

in order to get some light

coming out of this thing.

So, you'll be riding along

at night,

and you think you see something

up ahead.

Could be a brick wall

or a train wreck or whatever.

You actually have to speed up

to see it,

and by the time you do,

you're going too fast to stop.

So, I think the safest thing

to do with these units

is to take them

right off the road

and turn them into a stationary

power generator/exer-cycle.

Now, to do that, you're gonna

need a whack of wire like this

and a real sturdy saw...

Horse.

Okay. Now I got

the bike generator

hooked up to the wire

that I showed you.

Electricity will go

'round, 'round there,

and I got it hooked up

to this normal lightbulb,

and I'm gonna show you

how we can use the bike

to generate

household electricity.

I also got her

up on the sawhorse there

so the bike won't go anywhere.

And the idea is, you just keep

pedaling till it's bedtime,

and then

your lights will go out.

Actually, mine may go out

long before that.

It's not very bright.

Hmm.

[ buzzing ]

all right.

Let's try a plan that doesn't

involve cardiac care.

A lot of people don't know this,

but every electric motor

can be used as a generator.

All's you do is wire it up

backwards

and then put a magnetic field

in there

and turn the armature.

In layman's terms, that means

the old guy rides the bike,

and the light goes on.

[ grunting ]

[ grunting loudly ]

[ buzzing ]

[ zap! ]

well, I'm glad

that wasn't the stove.

All right,

the problem we have now

is that we've got so much power,

we have to regulate it,

and to do that, you're gonna

need some vehicle batteries.

Now, if you have a problem

getting ahold

of vehicle batteries,

just go over

to a mall parking lot

with a crowbar

and a 9/16 wrench.

[ grunts ]

all right.

Now, using the motor

as a generator,

I have just pumped up

a huge wad of electricity

that I'm storing in all these

batteries that I have mounted

on the handyman's collapsible

vertical shelving unit,

and now, when I want to use

any electricity,

like to turn this light on,

all I have to do

is flick this switch.

It's that easy.

So, remember -- if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Let's give it a try.

[ buzzing ]

[ whirring ]

[ zoom! ]

well, uh,

th-- there's a lesson for you.

A generator can also turn back

into a motor,

and a bicycle can turn

into an electric motorcycle.

[ crash ]

and an electric motorcycle

can turn into an outhouse.

Hey, buster!

Don't get up!

Stay tuned.

Bill goes riding on one

of those waverider things,

and harold proves

that not everybody

should be out in the woods.

I want to talk to you

middle-aged guys out there now.

I know this may be a little hard

to take,

but I got to say it anyway.

When you get to be

as old as we are,

and I know it's hot outside,

but you got to stop

going topless.

Please, for god's sakes,

wear a t-shirt at all times.

Yeah, I know.

20 years ago,

I didn't look so bad either

in nothing but shorts

and a pair of running shoes,

but even I'm giving my neighbors

a break now.

I mean, we used to look like

hard washboards.

Now we look like sea cows.

Some of us have breasts

and are scaring the kids

and confusing the babies.

And that's a lot of hair

to look at.

Strange clumps on the back

and on the side,

coming out the nose

and the ears,

and none on the head.

It's like your skin

got too tired

to hold your hair up that high.

So wear a shirt, okay?

'cause when a shirt flaps

and wrinkles in the breeze,

it doesn't look too bad.

When skin does that,

that is not pretty.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ rattling ]

well, the possum lodge power

plant's all set to go online.

We're gonna be

totally self-reliant.

Oh, in terms of electricity.

Our wives still have to dress us

in the morning, you know.

You guys built a power dam

that quickly, huh?

No. We gave up

on that one, harold.

Beavers can make dams.

We had a real problem with it.

Oh, d-did you use

big enough trees?

You know, 'cause beavers

use pretty big trees.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we used huge trees.

In fact, old man sedgwick

even chewed a couple down,

you know,

until his dentures

wedged into a birch bark there,

yeah.

I'll tell you, there is nothing

so odd-looking

as a tree

with a big toothy grin.

[ laughs ]

all right.

I stand corrected.

And, uh, you know, then we --

then we thought

of using

the solar-powered lights,

like buster hadfield has.

Oh, you mean

the holes in his roof?

Yeah, yeah. But junior singleton

had a great idea.

He's got some cars around

the back of his house,

like we all do,

and we went around there,

took out the alternators, okay?

'cause every alternator

gives you 12 volts.

So, you get 10 of them in a row,

there's your 120.

What are you gonna use

to power the alternators?

Well, electric motors.

He took the starting motors

out of the same cars,

so you got the starting

motor to the alternator.

That's how that works.

What are you gonna use to power

the power motors?

The alternators, harold!

Yeah, I know. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.

What are you gonna --

like, if you have that --

okay, no.

Never mind.

Okay, good.

Yeah, yeah.

Just -- just let me know

if it works.

Wa-a-a!

Well,

why shouldn't it work?

[ buzzing ]

okay, okay.

Sounds like

the whole system's

all set to come online here,

harold.

Here we go!

[ whoosh! ]

[ crack! ]

everything you're watching

is for sale.

Aunt bernice showed me

a picture of you

when you were a teenager.

You were

with your first studebaker.

You were

much thinner then.

Well, that's an optical

"collusion," harold.

Cars were a lot bigger

in those days.

No, no.

You were majorly thin.

You were, like,

normal size.

Actually, I no-- I noticed

a lot of the guys

up here at the lodge

are on that beefy, hefty,

you know...

Corpulent side.

Well, that's a metabolism thing,

harold.

You know, as you get older,

you don't need as much food

to maintain

the same body weight.

Well, that's not gonna happen

to me.

I'm gonna stay in shape.

What?

That shape there?

Yes.

Well, I-I guess you get

a bit of exercise

running away

from girls, bullies, dogs.

Dogs.

A lot of dogs.

That, with any luck,

may maintain

right through

your adult life there.

Well, I think,

by the time you're my age,

you'll be going around

400 pounds

and lying in a hammock

somewhere

with your arm wrapped

around an oxygen tank.

Ha! Not gonna be me,

'cause I'm gonna watch

my weight,

I'm gonna eat right,

and I'm gonna stay in shape.

Well, you better start now,

harold.

Aw,

come on, please.

I just want to take five.

Well, all right.

You want to grow up

looking like me.

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

Thanks very much.

Oh!

Wind's coming up,

harold.

Just burn

the whole thing?

Yeah.

[ squish! ]

with a bunch of us

on the brink

of generating

our own electricity up here,

I thought it'd be a good time

to talk about the opportunities

of the north,

and what better guy to talk to

than winston rothschild

of rothschild sewage

and septic sucking services?

Where our motto is

"no job too humble,

no customer too stuck up."

that's a dandy.

Winston, I think maybe

a lot of our urban viewers

are thinking about moving

up here and starting over.

Oh, yeah. You know, that reminds

me a lot of my dad, eh?

He was forever, you know,

starting over and moving up.

Uh-huh.

You know, for instance,

I got 12 stepbrothers,

9 stepmoms,

and 3 step-friends.

Yeah. His motto always was,

"the grass

is always greener

on the other side

of the door."

oh, I just about forgot.

You know what happened?

No.

I haven't told you this yet,

have I?

What? No.

Well, some pinhead

stole the alternator

and starter

out of the honeywagon.

Can you believe that?

People are scum,

you know?

Oh, they are.

Yeah, they are.

You know what else,

is the people from the city,

they think we're technologically

behind the times up here.

Oh, well, that's

your "inflammation"

superhighway there.

I got a computer

for my operation.

Oh, yeah?

Which operation --

the gall bladder

or the...You know?

No, no, no, no, no.

My sewage business.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Come on and see it.

All right.

You know something, red?

I got my entire life

on one of these.

It's what they call

a "flabby" disk, eh?

Yeah. Let me show you

how it works,

'cause

it's really exciting.

Okay. You plug it in,

and then you push a couple

of buttons on the machine.

And you see that?

Yeah.

That's all the people

whose tanks I've sucked.

Wow.

Right.

And then you push

a couple more buttons.

You see that?

Uh-huh.

That's all the people

whose tanks need sucking.

Yeah. I can see that.

Yeah.

And then you can get

into your bookkeeping.

See? There's accounts

"deceivable" and so on.

Uh-huh. Wow.

So, it's really streamlined

the operation, eh?

Yeah.

It's made it

more hands-on.

Is that a good idea in

this line of work, do you think?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

So, listen.

If you're thinking of coming out

here, don't worry about it,

'cause you can use

the same tools

you would

in a real urban center, eh?

Boy, when I think

of how my life would be

without the computer

and the modem

and the cellphone

and the fax,

well, geez,

I'd just be another guy

with an odd-smelling truck.

[ explosion ]

red: Well, bill's got a new toy

today on "adventures with bill."

it's one

of these waverider things,

and this thing's here

called a kill switch.

What this does, it clips

in here, and then the --

you know, it would

actually start for you,

and once you got it running, and

say you fall off or something,

then this thing springs out,

and it stops.

Bill's -- bill's real proud

of that kill-switch unit

and the springiness of it

and so on.

Waa!

[ splash ]

maybe a little less proud of it

now than he was.

What do you mean, "no problem"?

Well, you're not gonna go out

there without the --

what are you doing?

Oh, my gosh.

[ sproing! ]

that's -- oh, that's

the ignition wires, bill.

What are you --

oh, he's gonna by--

this is -- this is clever.

[ zap! ]

yeah.

Yeah, that's how that works.

And right near the water.

That's real smart.

[ zap! ]

oh!

What -- what did you expect

would happen, bill?

All right.

I got to go save him.

Luckily, I keep the boat running

at all times.

Naylor, naylor.

Beautiful.

Runs like it was brand-new.

And out I go, and --

hang on, bill. I'm coming.

I think if I can get

the boat hook there

and hook it down in between

the wires, pull the wires apart,

and that'll kill the motor

and just it'll get the --

hold still, bill.

Hold still.

I gotcha, I gotcha, I gotcha.

Oh, my gosh.

I got him.

Oh, sorry, bill.

Then I get the wires

and hook them there.

Yeah. There we go.

There we go.

And then I hook that hook

on there.

But unfortunately,

it's stopped now,

so it pulls me right out

of my seat over the back.

Oh, my god.

Oh, that water is so cold.

Oh, my gosh.

Now the boat's going,

full-throttle, no driver.

Interesting.

Help, bill, help.

Bill has taken

the ambulance course

where they teach you

how to save somebody's hat.

Thank you, bill.

You know,

there's a time for humor,

and there's a time for bill.

The time for bill is not

gonna be during my life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh-oh!

Oh, the boat's heading

right towards --

bill, bill, we got to go,

got to go, got to go!

[ crash ]

stay tuned for dougie and dalton

in a discussion

you won't want to miss,

and buzz sherwood shows you

why he came in last

on the debating team.

Well, the possum lodge

power plant

is really going online

this time.

You guys fixed all those

alternators and electric motors?

Oh, harold,

that idea couldn't work.

Any idiot knows that.

No, no, no.

We've decided to switch over

to nuclear power.

I'm sorry?

Yeah.

Good, old-fashioned,

clean, safe nuclear power.

Got ourselves

a "can-do" reactor, harold.

A candu reactor?

You mean

a real canadian deuterium

heavy-water fission reactor?

No, no, no.

This is just a reactor

built by a bunch

of can-do guys.

Oh.

Junior singleton

got all the plans

out of a book his son had

called "the how and why

big book of electricity."

the only tough part was finding

the radioactive fuel.

So, what we did was,

we scraped all of the radium

off those glow-in-the-dark

watches.

I'll tell you, harold,

where else but at possum lodge

could you do something

this great, huh?

Chernobyl

springs to mind.

[ airplane sputtering ]

now, here we are

with our resident bush pilot,

buzz sherwood.

How you doing today, buzz?

Hey, red!

Whoo!

Harold!

[ grunts ]

[ laughs ]

uh, buzz, I was hoping today

you could teach us

how to land a plane

on the water.

No can do, red.

Not today.

Today I'm gonna lead

the people,

and we are going to protest

the nuclear power plant.

Well, I think

you should wait

till there's something

worth protesting, don't you?

Hey, hey. You can't deny me

my freedom of speech here, man.

You know, protesting

nuclear power plants

is what formed

this country.

Buzz, you got to stop reading

history books

written by joan baez.

Oh, come on, man!

It'll be great to get out there

and March again

and chant and protest,

and you start thinking,

"I'm making a difference!"

and all along, you know,

you start thinking, "well, no.

"it's a total waste of time,

and I'm useless,

but I might meet

some like-minded women."

but you got to wait

till after the arrests.

That's when they're

more receptive.

Nobody around here wants to

get arrested, all right?

Oh, they've just forgotten

how much fun it can be, red.

That's why I've started

my civil-disobedience

refresher course.

I call it riot 101.

Look at this.

First thing you got to get

is your signs, right?

Here,

you take that one.

Now, uh, I've adapted this,

of course,

to our current political

situation,

but, uh, I think

they still work.

You know, red, if you feel it

in your heart,

you got to live it

in your life.

What do you think?

Well, I think making them

out of combustible materials

was a good plan.

And do you know why?

'cause television

loves a good fire.

And you know what else

television likes?

You got to talk

in those sound bites, right?

So it goes like this.

You go, "it's a disaster

waiting to happen!"

that's a good one.

Or "would you raise

your children next to that?"

I like that one.

Or there's this one.

"you shut up!"

"no, you shut up!"

"shut up!

"you're a liar!"

"shut up!

"no, you shut up!"

no, you shut up!

This is the '90s.

Nobody cares

about anything anymore.

That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm going to protest

apathy.

I'm gonna rid the world

of apathy.

And when are you gonna

do that?

What's it to you?

That's true.

[ chain saw buzzing ]

joining my uncle red

on "the experts" portion

of the show this week

is mr. Dougie franklin

and mr. Dalton humphrey.

[ applause ]

harold, harold,

read this one.

No. I got a letter

way more better --

way more better.

This is great.

Okay. Wa-a-a!

"dear experts..."

wa-a-a!

"...Should gay people be allowed

to serve in the military?"

oh, oh, oh!

Oh!

Harold, I wanted you to read

this from this guy here.

He wants to know what's

the best kind of sandwich --

peanut butter and banana

or corned beef

and cheese spread?

No, no, you see? Because this

is ratings week, uncle red.

We got to be controversial.

We got to hit

those hot topics, you know.

The biz.

[ laughs ]

all right.

We'll answer it.

Dougie? Dalton?

Well, to be honest, red, I'd

sort of prepared a little bit

to go with that peanut butter

and banana business.

Oh, sure.

I-I was pushing the corned beef

and cheese spread.

I don't really have

much of an opinion

on gays

in the military.

You do now.

Okay.

Uh, all right.

Let's go back

to the ancient greeks,

who had a lot

of gay soldiers.

They were a pretty impressive

military machine.

You know, they would run

a marathon.

They'd have plenty of strength

left to fight a big battle,

because they ate a lot of

red meat and dairy products,

like corned beef

and processed cheese.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

Your normal people,

I believe,

much prefer

the delicious combination

of peanut butter

and banana.

I believe your perverts

are into your corned beef

and cheese business,

which, to me,

is just totally unnatural.

Corned beef and --

and -- and cheese spread

is just as normal as

peanut butter and bananas.

It's a matter

of personal choice!

Well, all I'm saying is,

should your corned beef

and cheese types

be allowed to mingle

with, you know,

your peanut butter

and banana people?

My answer to that question

is, no, sir, they should not,

because it will lower morale

and it's just

a matter of time

before somebody's gonna get

their crusts cut off.

There are plenty of gays

already in the military,

and it's just

as natural

as rye bread

with a pickle on the side.

Fine, fine.

All I'm saying is,

hold the pickle.

All right,

all right.

Harold, this has gotten

completely out of control.

Well, it's at a stalemate,

uncle red.

You have to break the tie.

All right.

Actually, I'm kind of hungry

with all this.

I'll tell you what.

I'll give you

an opinion

right after I make myself

a sandwich.

What kind?

What kind?

Ham.

Straight ham.

[ crackling ]

[ coughing ]

are you okay?

Don't ever stand near

a nuclear reactor --

or, in fact,

any tall metal device --

during

a severe thunderstorm.

You got hit

by lightning?

Oh, man.

Nuclear reactor got nuked,

harold.

So we're back to buying

our power

from the utilities again.

What about

that electric fence

all around moose thompson's

house

to keep

the trespassers out?

Oh, good news there.

It shorted out again.

Burnt moose's house

to the ground.

So, all's well

that ends well.

[ screeching ]

oh, okay.

It's meeting time, uncle red.

Yeah.

You go ahead, harold.

I'm gonna get cleaned up.

I'll be down soon.

Okay, yeah.

And if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I'm kind of in the mood

to get grounded,

if you know what I mean.

And to the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching,

and, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

okay. All rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Red:

Sit down, guys.

All right, harold.

Presentation's made

by the insurance people.

To find out more about

possum lodge merchandise,

call 1-800-ypossum

or check out harold's home page

on the internet,

www.Redgreen.Com.