Stay Tuned/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

One of the things

I like doing best

is taking something

pretty normal

and then using

it in a way

that nobody's ever

thought of before.

Like, for example,

using a floor polisher

for a back massager

or a trolling motor

as a cuisinart

or a british car as a reliable

means of transportation.

I think the big

difference is

I don't see things

the way other people do.

See, like, normal people look

at this, and what do they see?

They see a sprinkler on

the end of a garden hose.

I'm not normal...

Thank goodness.

I don't see a sprinkler

on garden hose.

I see an instant

campfire.

[ cheers and applause ]

thanks very much.

Appreciate it.

Big, big news up at

the lodge this week.

The government has put a new

building across the lake

on top of duff's bluffs,

named after figgy duff,

a guy who used to get in

to arguments with his

dad all the time

and then threaten

to get a job.

Which is why they call it

duff's bluffs.

The problem is this building

is directly between us

and the tv satellite,

so now we don't

get any stations.

Well, the guys are trying to

raise the satellite dish up

by putting the tower

on top of the lodge,

stick her up about

30 feet or so.

But it's not easy.

It almost makes you wish

we'd watched some of

those how-to shows.

Uncle red,

what are you doing?

[ cheers and applause ]

I'm doing a

television show.

You know

what I mean.

That lumber was specifically

earmarked for a new dock,

a new dock that we

were supposed to build

by order of

the government.

I didn't see it

as an order.

I took it more as

a bureaucratic suggestion.

It was an order,

and I take orders

very seriously.

Yes, but you're

not married.

The government said our old

rotten dock was ruining

the environment.

Well, their new building

blocking our tv signals

is ruining

my environment.

We're fighting fire

with higher.

We can live without

television.

I'm going to pretend

I didn't hear that.

Hundreds of years ago,

people sat around at night

and had long

conversations.

Right, and the life

expectancy was 37.

That's not

a coincidence.

Listen we'll have plenty

of wood left over

after we build the

darned tower to

build the dock.

We're only going up

about 30 feet or so.

Are you sure you guys

know what you're doing?

What do you think,

harold?

[ loud cracking sound ]

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize is this coupon

for a round trip ticket

to port asbestos!

"... On a big orange

school bus.

"be prepared for

frequent stops."

all right, hap, you gotta

cover your ears.

Red, you have 30 seconds

to get hap shaughnessy

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, hap, hap!

What do you call it when

people stretch things?

Yoga.

Okay, no not their muscles.

When they stretch

the truth a little.

Oh, unicorn salesman.

No. Okay.

Um, when people make things

bigger than they really are,

what do you call that?

Breast implants.

Okay, hap, supposing I told you

I was abducted by aliens

and taken to saturn and

had dinner with elvis,

what would I be doing?

Reading my

autobiography.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, hap, like,

when you tell a story,

you always do this,

and I never do it.

Make it interesting.

Almost out

of time, red.

Okay, see, hap,

you do this.

It's not exactly lying,

but it's not tellin'

the truth either.

What's that called?

Politics.

Yes, and you'd be a great

politician because you...

... Are a kennedy.

Hap, you have to be the

biggest bafflegabber

the world has ever seen.

Oh, no,

not the biggest.

I think you exaggerate

a little there, red.

There we go!

[ snoring ]

red: Dalton,

you're snoring again.

Dalton: I am not

asleep, red.

Red:

Well, you're snoring.

I told you

I can't help it.

[ snores ] it's a

medical condition.

Can't you wear

nose plugs?

Can't you

wear ear plugs?

Can't we all

just get along?

Stop being

so immature.

Red: I'm not

the immature one.

Are so.

Am not.

Are so.

Am not.

Stop it!

That's enough "are so's"

for one day.

Dalton:

What'd he say?

Red: I dunno,

but I agree with him.

Let's talk about

something else.

I had this weird

dream last night,

where I was running

down the street naked

with a mob of people

chasing me.

Have either of you

ever experienced that?

My wife doesn't let

me watch that channel.

It's not tv,

it's a dream.

Don't you ever

have dreams?

I used to.

When I was single

I dreamt I was superman.

But then I married

kryptonite.

Dreams can tell

a lot about you.

There are people

that make their living

interpreting dreams.

Red: Yeah, they're

called bartenders, mike.

Mr. Green, I don't think

you should poo-poo dreams.

I'm not poo-pooing

anything.

I wasn't poo-pooing,

was I?

I hope not.

Mr. Green, you have a

tendency to be very negative

towards people whose

opinions you disagree with.

Red: Oh, put a sock

in it, mike.

Dreams are a

recognized indicator

of the

subconscious mind.

Red: Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Dreams can tell you a

lot about people's

brain activity.

Red: Really?

Well, I don't even

have dreams.

See?

That proves it.

These days you hear a lot of

hot air about saving gas.

There's only a couple

of ways to really save gas.

One, buy a

smaller vehicle...

Yeah right.

The other is to make your

vehicle more aerodynamic.

Now, I don't know

much about that stuff,

but I'd rather

learn something

than drive around

in a dinky toy.

So I looked up 'aerodynamic'

in the encyclopedia.

That took a while

until I realized

it started with an 'a'.

Now, they got a bunch of

diagrams and charts,

but the basic message,

it's all about wind

resistance.

Driving the possum van

is like pushing a cow

through a mud bath.

But what if, instead of

having to go around the van,

the air could just

shoot right through it?

Like the difference

between these two racquets.

See, this one has a lot

of air resistance,

so I can only

go like that.

But the tennis racquet lets

the air go right through,

so I can go like this.

Okay, it's the same,

but this is easier.

Okay, let's move on.

All we need is something that

takes the air that's

hitting the van

and lets it pass

right through the van.

In one end

and out the other.

I'm not sure where that

expression started,

but I'm guessing it was

during flu season.

See, so if we can get

enough of these hoses,

we can scoop the air that's

gonna smack into the

front of the van,

and re-route it

out the back

through the van.

Just gotta find

some openings

so I can put the hoses

straight through.

Okay, I figure I've

reduced the wind resistance

by about 30%

and improved the appearance

of the vehicle by...

Somewhat less than that.

So now the air flows

smoothly through the hoses,

instead of being stacked up

like dolly parton in

a halter top.

It comes out here and smacks

into the guy tailgating you.

[ chuckles ]

okay, it means I have to leave

the back doors open

all the time,

but I don't mind.

It's cheaper than

deodorizers.

Kinda looks like a rocket

launcher, doesn't it?

Hmmm.

Oh baby, this project

is a win-win.

We're saving gasoline by

reducing the wind resistance,

and we're saving gasoline by

adding this propane

auxiliary drive system.

Finally a hybrid

car I like.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've gotta go

save the environment.

Have you seen

all the nostalgia

that's popping up on tv

and the radio these days?

Nostalgia is fine,

but this is nostalgia

from the '80s.

I haven't had a chance

to miss the '80s yet,

and even if I had,

I wouldn't.

The clothes were neon,

the cars were gutless

and the music was either

made in a computer

or by something

called "wham".

But, see, that's the

way nostalgia works.

As things go sour

in the present,

we all start imagining they

were better in the past.

It's why we remember

the bee gees so fondly

and the captain and tenille

at all.

It's all about what

you're comparing stuff to.

So I go out of my way to

introduce my wife

to guys my own age who've

let themselves go mentally,

physically and socially.

I know that some day soon

that nostalgia factor

is gonna kick in,

and she's gonna start

seeing me

as better than

I've ever been.

And let me tell ya,

there'll be a

hootenanny that night!

Remember,

I'm pulling for ya.

We're all

in this together.

Call rothschild's,

because what goes down...

Shouldn't come up.

Well, we had a rethink

on the tv tower

and decided to build it

from the lodge floor up.

That way it would be

as solid as the lodge.

Take it easy there, mike.

Mike: (mumbling)

pardon me?

Mike: (mumbling)

take the nails

out of your mouth.

Mike:

I had nails in my mouth.

Uncle red,

I don't think you're going

to have enough lumber

left over

to build the new dock

that the government wants.

Yeah, but we got

the old dock out.

That was the

main issue.

Harold,

our boats sink.

They don't need to be

tied up to anything.

I don't think you guys

have any idea what you're

doing at all,

or the damage

it's gonna do to the

world as we know it.

If only someone had

said that to your parents.

I'm assuming you have

some plans to build

this tower with.

No, we don't

need plans.

We know a tower is

wide at the bottom

and comes to a

point at the top

so we're designing it

after moose thompson.

It doesn't look all

that straight to me.

This could end up being

the leaning tower of pbs.

Look at this!

It's not even secured

to the base.

The weight will

hold it here, harold.

We used the

water-logged dock boards

for the first platform.

That was

like 1200 pounds

not counting

the zebra mussels.

With that

much weight,

gravity will

hold it in place.

Gravity is our

friend, harold.

Red: Nothing

can be more relaxing

than being out fishing

with a bunch of buddies.

Actually, maybe

it's too relaxing.

Luckily we left

the motor going.

So we come in and take

our catch out of the boat.

I had a pretty good

stringer of fish there.

Not too bad at all.

A little sushi attack

at the end of the day,

but I was fine.

Walter had a fair number.

But they weren't huge.

It's okay,

we have crackers.

And bill -- I'm not

sure what bill got.

He seemed happy about it.

It's an umbrella or

a tv aerial, I dunno.

So we're getting set

to have our little cookout,

but harold wants

to take a picture,

you know, the way the

guys hold up the fish.

It's not that hard,

but with harold, sometimes,

it's just easier to go along,

get along...

I wish he would go along.

Watch out, there's a

flash on that, harold.

Be careful.

No, no, harold...

Great.

Why don't you

point the camera

at what you're trying

to take a picture of?

That's always a good --

harold?

Ah, stupid...

In for a long day.

Oh, no, it's good.

Then walter decides

since it's a photo op

he's gonna -- maybe hold it a

little closer to the camera

it'll look a

little larger.

That was an

odd lookin' thing,

and it didn't

smell all that great.

Take her over

to the other side.

There we go.

Okay, so harold's

gettin' set now.

I guess he didn't

tighten her up enough.

Now, he's -- and we're

trying to stay with it.

Then the one leg

starts to go,

and we gotta

kinda lean over.

Eventually gravity

took over.

So this is just not --

harold, watch out for the --

so this is not

working out at all.

We need a

different approach,

so walter decides he's gonna

take over as photographer.

And harold -- away you go.

Away you go.

No, just go.

You're gonna get one.

Here it comes.

Away you go.

All right so

harold comes over.

Now we have to

get ourselves --

who's gonna

be in the middle?

Harold's taller, so maybe

he should be in the middle.

I didn't care, but bill

wanted to be in the middle.

Okay, later that day...

We're finally set to go

and walter got --

I thought it

was all right.

But he said our

eyes were closed.

Yeah, I know.

Okay. Okay.

The fish eyes we can't do

anything about walter, so...

Now we're starting

to take pictures,

and we got a

couple of good poses.

Sometimes when you're taking a

picture you're focussed on --

you don't see what's

happening in the background.

And, uh...

Apparently, uh...

We were having

a visitor of some --

now, bill spotted him.

And he was

trying to react.

And then harold saw him,

and, uh...

Of course,

then they're gone.

Now I'm alone,

and, uh, suddenly

my fish are gone.

And that was really the

first time I noticed

something was up.

So I say, hey, hey, hey,

my fish are gone.

And they're goin,

"hey, it wasn't me."

and then we all

spotted the bear.

And then the bear spots us,

and then we go home.

[ applause ]

nothing can pack it in

like a garbage truck.

Except maybe moose thompson

at a buffet.

The secret is compression.

And what works for

that garbage truck

can also work

for you.

It's not about squeezing the

crap out of something.

It's about squeezing the

crap into something.

If you're like me,

you like to keep

things in your car,

things that probably should

have gone in that truck

that just left.

But you don't want

to throw something out

that you might

need next week.

Well, here's how you

can keep everything.

First, consolidate.

Okay, now all you need is

an extra rim attached

to your drive wheel

and a piece of chain.

Make sure you leave

the key in the trunk,

just like taxis do.

And just hook the, uh --

oh, darn.

Okay, just hook the

chain onto something.

There we go.

Then run her across.

Then you just

hook the other end

onto maybe another rust hole

or a door knob.

Oh, here we go.

That looks safer.

And this is how

you turn a mid-size

into a compact.

We're getting there.

She just needs

a little more power.

[ applause ]

[ wind blowing,

wood creaking ]

okay, we got the

tower finished,

got the dish

mounted on top,

and we're back in business.

And we got it all done

before the playoffs.

Uncle red, this tower

is over 100 feet tall!

Who authorized that?

Luck.

A lumber truck dropped its

load at dead man's curve.

We took it

as a windfall.

Oh! You almost had

another windfall going.

Every time

the tower sways

we go through a bunch

of channels on the tv.

But I figure it's gonna

save on batteries for

the remote.

I also noticed there's no

lightning rod on top

of this thing.

Do you think that wise?

He asked pointlessly.

Harold, the tower's

made of wood.

Lightning doesn't

hit wood.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay, well...

Well, let's just remember

that tree that was out

by the parking lot,

remember that?

And last year it exploded

in the electrical storm?

Remember that?

If I'm not mistaken,

it, too, was made of wood!

Harold, that

was ironwood.

Oh! Oh! Harold,

gimme a hand.

Ah! Ah!

Spider! Spider!

Never mind, spiderman,

just grab the darned tower!

[ wood cracking ]

was that my back?

No I think the tower's

breaking apart.

Maybe we shouldn't have

used the old dock boards.

I told you that!

Come on over to this

side and help me, harold.

Sure.

Do you think

that's gonna work?

No, but you'll get a

better view of it falling.

[ wood cracking ]

[ loud bang ]

[ applause ]

well, that was totally

stupid and unnecessary.

Now, don't blame

yourself, harold.

A lot of good is gonna

come out of this.

Really? Like what?

Well, of course, you were

all wrapped up in yourself

and didn't notice that

as the tower was falling,

we got about 40 channels

we don't even pay for.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

You go ahead.

I some time to put

a positive spin

on all this.

So you're gonna

be a while.

Um... Okay,

if my wife is watching,

uh, the tower fell over,

our dish is in the lake

and our tv set blew up,

but I'm hoping I'll get

a lot better reception

when I get home.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching

and on behalf

of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on your ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down, everybody.

Take a seat.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

Okay, great news, men.

As a result of our tv tower

falling into the lake,

we now have

a brand new dock

with a covered walkway

all the way up to the lodge.

And here's the best part...

I found out today our next

door neighbour has cable.

And by tomorrow,

so will we.

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