Mike Goes Straight/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Red green:

You know, there's

been a lot of talk about

men hating to

ask for directions.

That's not

really the point.

The real problem is

men love to drive.

And if you have

to ask for directions,

that means you don't

know where you're going,

and that means the passenger

seat is in your near future.

So when you're out with your

wife and you lose the argument

as you know you must,

and you end up asking

a guy for directions,

here's what to do to stop your

integrity from shrinking --

because size matters.

Make a little sign,

hide it under your sleeve,

attach a couple of

sinkers to the edge

so it'll unroll without

your wife seeing it.

And you want to

pick a married guy,

because he'll understand.

Okay, so pull over,

tell him where you're headed,

and as soon as you ask him

if you're going in the

right direction,

secretly release the sign.

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

Well, it's a big, big week at

the lodge this week.

We've got a horseshoe

tournament going on.

Mind you, I haven't been able

to find my horseshoes.

I figure they'll turn up

sooner or later.

Mike can you come up

here a minute, please?

Um, I didn't

steal it, mr. Green.

What?

Didn't steal what?

You'll have to be

more specific.

Well, I can't seem

to find my horseshoes.

Are they in there?

[ clunking sound ]

probably not.

I know the sound

of my own horseshoes.

Can I have

them back, please?

Oh! Ha-ha!

You shoulda told me

you put 'em in there.

Oh, right, yeah.

Thank you, mike.

Where'd you

get that pen?

Oh, I've always

had this pen.

That's my

pen, mike.

Oh, really?

Has it got your name on it?

Yeah.

Oh.

You know, mike, this

sticky fingers stuff

is gettin'

outta hand.

I'm sorry, mr. Green.

I just can't help myself.

All my life I've been taking

stuff that wasn't mine.

It's just been getting

worse and worse.

But don't send me back

to prison, please!

Please don't send me back

to prison, mr. Green.

I can't do it

anymore, I tell you!

I just can't do it!

Mike, mike, mike.

I'm not gonna send

you back to prison.

Great.

But you need to

do something, mike.

Why don't you go down and

see your parole officer

and offer to help

him out, eh?

I think you'd have a

whole different attitude

if you were looking

at law enforcement

from the other side.

That's a great

idea, mr. Green.

I'm gonna go right

down there and do that.

Can I catch a

ride with you?

Sure.

You know what?

I'd be glad to

do that.

Ah, geez,

thanks, mr. Green.

Here's the keys

to your van.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner will receive

three boxing lessons

from tucker's

manufacturing,

the makers of the finest

cardboard boxes.

Okay, uh, cover

your ears, there, ed.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get animal control

officer ed frid

to say this word...

Yeah, all right.

And go!

Okay, ed, this is something

almost all animals have.

Sharp teeth.

Okay, no, no.

This is what animals use

to find their way back to

somewhere they've been before.

Oh! Trail of blood.

No, no, no.

Okay, okay.

This is something animals

have that humans don't.

Uh, antlers?

Okay, ed, why do

salmon swim upstream?

Panic.

Yeah, did you ever

see their eyes?

Ed, ed, ed,

they're not afraid.

They swim up to

their spawning grounds,

they lay eggs and die.

Now, what characteristic

makes them do that?

Stupidity, I guess.

Uh, red, you guys are

runnin' short of time.

Okay, ed, you're an

animal control officer.

What's the difference

between you and the animals?

I can outrun them.

Yeah, but that's just my

survival instinct.

There we go!

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪ ]

if you're sittin' on

the dock of the bay,

watching the tide roll away,

and you don't live

anywhere near water,

call rothschild's sewage

and septic sucking services.

See, it's people like that

that have ruined it for

everybody.

My wife bernice sees them

with the slim waistline

and their low pulse rate,

she takes a look at me

and starts getting

all kinds of ideas.

See to me, you should keep

your pulse rate high, not low,

because eventually

it goes to zero,

and you want to keep it as far

away from that as you can.

So bernice gets me one of

these treadmill machines.

Tells me she wants me

to do three miles a day.

At the speed I walk,

that's a 24-hour commitment.

You never get anywhere.

The scenery

doesn't change.

It's useless and boring.

And those are two words that

I hear enough of in my life.

So I got a better idea.

See this is

the key right here.

This machine runs

on 12 volts dc,

just like a car.

That means you don't have to

plug it into a house current.

You can actually run this on

a couple of car batteries.

Now, you may be a little bit

confused at this point.

You might even be sitting

there with your mouth

wide open,

beer and chips are

going everywhere.

So let me explain

the mystery to you.

See, when they build

these machines,

they go to a lot of effort

to make sure this belt

never touches the ground.

Well, that's where they

make the big mistake.

Okay, I've got my

car batteries wired in.

I've got my belt sitting

flat on the ground.

All I gotta do is put my

feet on the side rails here,

and I'm ready to

start exercising.

Ah, ah, ah.

Wait a minute.

Let's play it

safe for a change.

Let's play it

really safe.

Okay, here's the

beauty of a dc motor...

To make the belt

go the other way,

all I had to do was switch

the battery terminals.

Don't you wish

people were dc?

All right, it's time

for my three-mile walk,

so remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ ♪ ]

do any of you have any ugly

pictures of yourself

sitting around?

No?

Didn't think so.

See, when most people find

an unflattering picture

of themselves,

they rip it up and burn it,

then go bury it

in the backyard.

I think that's a bad idea.

I know some people take a

fat picture of themselves

and they'll put

it on the fridge

as a deterrent to keep

them from snacking.

That doesn't really work.

It ends up as kind of a

territorial thing...

"this fridge and its contents

are the property of moose."

I tell you what I suggest.

Get the ugliest, fattest,

most disgusting

picture of yourself

ever taken,

and put it in a nice

frame and hang it

beside a

full-length mirror.

Make sure it's such

a horrible picture

there's almost no chance

you're ever gonna look

that bad again.

This means when you stand

in front of the mirror,

you're gonna see that

you look way better now

than you did back when

that picture was taken.

Then you start thinking

that as you get older,

you start looking better.

And that'll make

you look better still.

And if the day ever comes when

you actually look worse

than you do in the picture,

well, hey, time to

get out the camera.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

well, this is the experts'

portion of the show,

where we feature.

Those three little words

men find so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know.

And today's letter

reads as follows...

"dear experts: Our daughter's

about to marry a moron."

oh, geez.

"is there anything

we can do to stop her?

"if not, how do we

carry on with our lives

"once we have an

idiot in the family?"

okay, well, now,

as a father,

it's your responsibility

to point out that

this guy really

is stupid,

so what you wanna

do is invite him over

for the "trivial

pursuit" game.

Only instead of

a game piece,

you make him use your

daughter's engagement ring.

Every time he

gets one wrong,

you pry a diamond

outta there.

That is so wrong!

A marriage is based on

mutual respect, not iq.

If you have mutual respect,

you don't need anything else.

How many years

you been married, harold?

Okay, I haven't found

the right person yet,

but at least I know

what I'm looking for.

Yes, unfortunately,

so do they.

Except for this

guy's daughter,

who thinks she's looking

for a moron, I guess.

Yeah, well,

I'm in the same boat.

Yeah, my daughter's fiancé

is sure no brainiac.

It's so disappointing

when your daughter

starts going out

with a total idiot.

Well, be careful,

now, mr. Dalton.

They say girls are

attracted to men

who remind them

of their father.

Ah, harold,

come on, now.

That's ridiculous.

The fact that this guy notices

the boyfriend is stupid

means that he's

pretty smart.

'cause stupid people don't

think anything is stupid.

Whereas you think

everything is stupid.

Oh, harold, don't

be st -- stereotyping.

Don't be

stereotyping me.

Well, my advice to this viewer

is talk to another couple

whose daughter

married an idiot.

But there won't

be anybody like that

until you get engaged.

I was thinking more of

aunt bernice's parents.

[ dalton laughing ]

that's a good one.

Red: You're home, dalton.

You can get out now.

Dalton: I can't get

the paint off.

Yes!

Try the varsol?

Yes, red!

Gasoline?

Well, there's a

belt sander back there,

but nowhere to

plug it in.

I can think of

a place!

Now, don't get yourself all

wranged up here, dalton.

Ann marie probably

won't even notice.

Won't even notice?!

Look at me.

I look like

bozo the clown.

Well, that's not

a huge stretch for her.

I can't go in there.

Ann marie does not let

me go to paint ball.

If she sees the paint

all over my face,

she'll know I disobeyed

a direct order.

Ann marie a little on the

militant side, is she?

We are messing with

the wrong marine.

Well, you know,

you should've been wearing

one of those

protective masks.

You know, I was,

but it got knocked off

in the first shot.

Well, you couldn't have

had it on properly.

You see,

the problem was,

you shot me from

four feet away.

Okay, I panicked,

all right?

I saw the enemy;

I did what I had to do.

I was on your

team, red!

Well, who could tell

with that mask on?

All right,

I got an idea.

I've got a gallon

of paint here.

Take the lid off there.

Hold onto that, all right?

Now, you take this

into the house,

and you tell ann marie

you were gonna paint

the front hall,

but you slipped and

your face went right

into the can.

Oh, oh,

that's a good one.

You can tell you're a

married man, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, hey, no, no.

This colour won't match.

Oh, no problem.

[ applause ]

well, we sure got a different

mike in town, I tell you.

His parole officer

gave him a job

as assistant bylaw

enforcement officer.

And the crime rate

has just dropped.

That's because mike is

too busy to steal stuff.

Red! Red!

Mike is

out of control!

You give a guy

a goofy uniform,

and he sure thinks

he is something.

[ laughter ]

you know, he nailed me

twice today for parking

violations?

I didn't have my car.

I was just sitting

on the curb.

That's not parking.

That would be either

loitering or littering.

Oh, red,

he's gone fanatical.

He just sneaks up from

behind and nails you.

He's like a wedgie.

Come on.

Just go easy on him

for crying out --

he's trying to

become a better person.

Well,

it's not working.

I liked him more when

I couldn't trust him.

Well, you know what,

we've gotta give him a chance.

He's got a bad

self-image.

He sees himself as a low-life,

two-bit criminal.

He is a low-life,

two-bit criminal!

Well, I know, but we're

giving him an opportunity

to be something better.

What? A pain-in-the-butt

bylaw enforcement officer?

Okay, okay,

maybe at first.

But once he settles into

the job and cools off

a little bit,

then we'll have a

guy on the inside.

What do you mean?

Well,

I'm telling you.

Once he tries all these

powers and everything,

then suddenly he'll

remember who his

friends are,

and we'll be able to

do whatever we want...

We can speed; we can park

wherever we feel like.

Go through

red lights!

Walk around topless!

[ laughter ]

red: Had a special project.

Instead of

building something

we were gonna tear

down the shed.

And walter drove

over in his car.

I just figured get a sledge

hammer and just start

wailing away.

Something was bound to

give sooner or later,

hopefully not my own back.

But walter came

and said, no, no.

He wanted to stop me.

He had a better idea.

He's figurin' we

could use our pole there.

And if we hoisted up, say,

a -- one of the oil drums,

they have a lot of weight,

we could make our

own wrecking ball.

Always wanted to

have a wrecking ball.

I like the idea of that,

so we tied her up

to the line

and we filled her

with all the --

boy, we're so lucky

having all those car

batteries around.

Luckily, none of

them were too juiced up,

and neither were

we at this point

so we could get most of

them into the barrel.

So we hoisted

her up on the pole.

It was a metal pole,

so a lot of strength.

And just wind her up there.

And she's ready to go.

Then we just take her back,

swing her back.

This is gonna be great.

You know, unfortunately,

we hit the pole.

All right.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, so, uh,

so now what?

Well, walter's

got another idea.

He says we'll just load her

up with the batteries again.

And instead of sticking

the pole back in the ground.

What we'll do is

mount the whole pole

somewhere else, like, say,

the possum van.

Now, he said to me,

'just drive her up closer

'to the shed,

and watch me.

'I'll tell you

when to stop.'

but he wasn't lookin',

and all of a sudden --

I slammed on the brakes,

so it swings back towards me.

Thank you

very much, walter.

What's your next idea?

So then he gets me

to park her sideways,

put the batteries all in,

and away we go again.

But he figures maybe we

can just hoist her up

by getting on

a ladder or whatever,

and get enough

height on her

that we can swing her up.

We're still gonna try to make

this wrecking ball work.

I thought this was

a little too high,

but he seemed to

feel good about it.

You know, I think the

one thing we forgot to do

was to check the

knot on the rope.

And, uh --

so walter tied a little

tougher knot this time.

And now we're ready to go,

and he wants to

do her again,

so back up the

ladder he goes.

Unfortunately, when you

tie a bigger knot,

it uses more rope.

So what happened here

was that she was just

a little too short

to actually hit the shed,

so she, uh, swung up

in the pendulum style,

so famous for newton.

And it came up.

Then it just came

right back.

Now it's nailing walter,

so I gotta move

him away from the shed.

So I get him into the --

and he kinda went

into the trees there.

I think he's all right.

No, he's good.

He's good.

He's good -- oh!

And, uh -- oh!

No, no, he's fine.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

this is the repair shop

part of the show we call,

if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

So what have you got

for us today, winston?

Well, red,

I was hoping

you could fix

my mailbox.

Boy, what

happened there?

My neighbour

had a slight

"altercation" with it.

All right, well,

I can't fix that.

So why don't you just trade

mailboxes with the guy?

Well, see, that's

not really an option.

Well, what

happened here?

Well, he claims that I

hit his mailbox with

my sewage truck.

And that's when he came and

danced all over my mailbox

with his persuader.

Okay, but this

didn't happen?

No, I wasn't even

in town!

I was in port asbestos

from the 12th to the 17th

at the prune festival.

Yeah, red, those folks were

going day and night.

Boy, it's not like you

to back down from

an argument.

What convinced you?

The guy's

6'7", red.

Well, that

doesn't matter.

Right is right.

If we can prove

that this happened

while you were at

the prune festival,

you're a free man.

Well, how are

you gonna do that?

Well, there's a

letter in there.

If the letter is

postmarked after the 12th,

you're in the clear.

You're a genius!

Oh, no, winston.

Just because someone

is smarter than you

doesn't mean

they're a genius.

There we go.

Look at the that, the 15th.

I'm in the clear!

Hey, did you know this guy

worked for the government?

Yeah. Yeah.

He's an income

tax auditor.

Really?

You know, winston,

maybe you should just buy

yourself a new mailbox.

Maybe I should buy

him a new mailbox.

Let's both buy him

a new mailbox!

[ applause ]

you know how everybody likes

those fancy new tvs,

they're about an inch thick

and they hang on the wall?

Those things cost $25,000,

which seems high to me

by about $24,900.

Still, there is nothing more

embarrassing in life

than having an old-fashioned

television set.

So here's a cheap easy way to

convert your old floor model

into a state-of-the-art

wall hanging job.

First thing you wanna do is

hang a mirror on your wall

about the same size as

the television screen.

Then you just cut

a hole in the floor,

and drop your tv

set down in there

with the screen facing up.

And then you put a hinge trap

door over top like this one.

And on the inside

of the trap door,

you mount another mirror.

Now, when your

amish friends drop over

for an apple or whatever,

you can just close

the trap door.

But on the other hand,

when you're ready

to watch some hi-tech,

cutting edge stuff like

wrestling or tractor pulls,

you just turn

on the tv set.

And then you just

line up the mirrors.

You know, there's

an expression...

"the apple doesn't fall

too far from the tree."

okay, in human

terms that means,

"like father, like son."

well, I think we

got the problem

with mike's police

job all sorted out.

You know, sometimes he's

a little too thorough.

Same way when he

was a crook.

You know, if he had

a piece of chain,

he'd steal two cars

and tow one of them.

[ laughter ]

mr. Green, I just wanted

to say, thanks again.

You know, this is the

first job I've really

been good at?

You know, mike,

you can actually

be too good at a job?

I feel I'm really making a

difference out there.

You know, I'm making

the streets safe for

ordinary citizens.

And I'm ridding the world

of hardened criminals.

[ laughter and applause ]

dalton: This is all

your fault, red.

Yeah: "we'll have a

guy on the inside."

all right, stop it.

Now it looks like you're

gonna have two guys

on the inside.

What are you

doing here, mike?

These are your

friends.

These aren't

criminals.

Jay walking is

a serious offence!

You can't arrest

them for that.

Well, boy,

mr. Green,

first you say one thing,

and then you say another

totally opposite thing.

It's just like

when both my dads

explained the

facts of life.

Well, okay, look,

I made a mistake when

I told you to become a cop,

but we gotta put things

back the way they were,

where everybody knew

where they stood...

Us on one side

of the one-way glass,

and you in

the line-up.

Yeah, you're right.

Okay, boys, one of these

keys will open your locks.

What's the other one?

It's a key to

your store.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Come on, boys.

You better move along now.

Come on!

Move along!

Get the lead out.

Come on!

Come on.

Move on!

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I think it

was abraham lincoln

who said the

law's an ass.

I guess he knew mike.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and the

whole gang at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down.

Meeting's coming to order.

Mike: Sit down!

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

All right, men,

I'm very pleased to announce

that mike here

has resigned as

assistant bylaw

enforcement officer.

He's going back

to just normal now,

so I suggest you

all change your locks.

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com