The Drill/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Here's a man

who needs no introduction

but oftentimes an alibi...

Your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

all right.

Thanks very much!

Attaboy, harold.

(applause)

thank you.

We had a problem yesterday.

Junior got a new

rear-view mirror for his car.

He borrowed a cordless drill

from alfie dinkle

to install the thing.

This was a huge mirror.

It was from the space shuttle.

About four feet wide --

kind of a rear-view mirror

imax deal.

He got that mounted.

He can see everything

behind him.

Doesn't have to turn his head.

He sees everything

behind the car.

It's too bad

the blueberry stand

was in front of it.

He hit it head-on!

He wiped 'er out of there!

Nailed 'er -- oh, man!

It's ok, though --

nobody was hurt.

The blueberries acted

like a million little airbags.

Junior's car's

not white any more.

It's like a blueberry blue.

Yeah, but he's gonna take

that mirror off,

but he can't borrow

the cordless drill from alfie

because alfie was also the

owner of the blueberry stand.

He's a little ticked.

Ha! He's crushed.

(laughing)

so now, get this, get this.

Junior has given harold

100 bucks -- show 'em --

to buy him

a new cordless drill.

How about that, huh?

That's excellent!

Buying a power tool

makes you a man.

(audience laughing)

then you better make sure

you get it half-off.

(audience laughing)

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the message being, for

gosh sakes, don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

I hope harold can handle

the pressure

of buying this drill.

This could be a turning point.

Maybe the kids won't beat up

on him so bad.

When they see

that cordless unit,

might give them the idea

to drill him one!

Uncle red, I got it!

It's such a beautiful drill.

It's cordless, it's reversible.

It's got extra batteries

and a charger,

bits, carrying case,

top of the line, $97.

"yes, please, ring it through.

"have a rainbow day."

(laughing)

97 bucks, harold?

Boy, they saw you coming,

didn't they?

I got it at lenny's

electrical shop.

Don't buy from lenny's.

He hates us --

we owe him money.

If I only shopped places

you don't owe money to,

I'd have to go to France.

You don't want to buy stuff

from lenny.

He's just a middleman.

He's got overhead.

It's a shop he runs

out of his basement!

That can't be cheap.

The sump pump's always running.

That's crazy --

$97 is a fair price.

They're $94.50

at the hardware and such.

Yeah, ok, three bucks,

big deal.

You save three bucks a day

for a month,

how much have you got?

That depends on the month.

Well, no, it doesn't.

Three bucks is three bucks,

whether it's February or may!

These kids today,

they got no money sense.

I'll get a drill so cheap,

it will make your head spin.

If it made his head spin,

we wouldn't need a drill.

(audience laughing)

(red): Later, we'll have

the "adventures with bill".

What he'll be doing this week,

real exciting.

No, it's not

what you're thinking.

He's gonna do

some pole-vaulting.

Oh, yeah.

Oooh!

By golly!

For his first challenge,

he's gonna try

and vault over the van.

Gosh, I hope this goes well.

(bill): Eeeeeyah!

Ohhhh!

(red): Perfect!

♪ ohhhhh ♪

♪ happy, happy people

call me on the phone ♪

♪ to tell me about

some nut-bar product ♪

♪ they think I should own ♪

♪ if you look back

through history ♪

♪ at the cause

of every war ♪

♪ you'll find

happy, happy people ♪

♪ happy, happy people ♪

♪ and an army of guys

like me ♪

♪ who just couldn't take it

any more ♪

aooo!

We're playing

for the grand prize

of a turnip farm

and four tons of wax.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Buzz sherwood

to say this word...

Buzz? Excellent.

The word is...

"quiet".

"quiet".

Oh, we get it.

And go!

Ok, buzz.

Oh, cool!

A machine that isn't loud is...

Broken!

(audience laughing)

no, if you don't make

any noise, you're...

Oh, you're dead, man!

(laughing)

I'm not...

Peace and...

Carrots!

Not peas! Peace!

Oh, peace.

Peace and...

Love? Uh, come together?

Rash?

No, no, hold it.

People come up to possum lodge

for the peace

and...

Witness relocation!

(audience laughing)

we're almost out of time.

I know --

I'm thinking...

Think movies, ok?

"all 'something'

on the western front".

"all 'something'

on the western front".

Um... Food stains!

(singing)

um... Chest hair?

I wish you'd just

be quiet for a second!

Whoa!

(applause)

there you go.

We're out of time.

One big difference between

my generation and harold's

is he never got to experience

those rear-engine,

rear-wheel-drive cars.

You know, the volkswagen

beetle, the corvair.

They say the corvair

was unsafe at any speed.

I'm sorry harold missed that.

So this week

on "handyman corner",

we're gonna take

a front-engine,

front-wheel-drive car

and turn it into a rear-engine,

rear-wheel-drive classic.

All you gotta do is just

take the engine out, move that.

You gotta move the rad

and the battery

and the windshield...

All right.

There's not enough duct tape

in the world for that job.

Now we're scuppered...

Unless...

You know, that just might work.

Even if it doesn't,

I don't care.

This is old man sedgwick's car.

To turn a front-engine

front-wheel-drive vehicle

into a rear-engine,

rear-wheel-drive vehicle

turn everything around.

Put the controls at the back.

Have the seats facing

the other way.

There you are --

it's that simple.

To get the front seat out,

all you need is

maybe some tools, some oil...

Or... Just some rust.

I mean, rust is

a natural process.

It's always good

to work with nature.

All right, then.

Once you got the seat removed,

and you've removed

the upholstery --

which you should replace

from time to time --

let 'er cool down,

and take the driver's seat

and put 'er

in the car backwards.

You want to secure that.

You can bolt it down,

you can weld it,

or you could do

what I like to do --

use the handyman's

secret weapon...

Duct tape.

You could use this

as your new upholstery.

If you put it on

sticky-side-out,

you wouldn't even need

seatbelts.

(sizzling)

once you got 'er all done,

you just mount 'er inside...

(grunting)

... With more of the same.

(grunting)

rather than take the controls

and mount them on the back,

get different controls

out of a boat...

Maybe a boat

you don't want,

or somebody doesn't want...

Or at least they won't,

as soon as they find out

the controls been ripped out.

Take the steering wheel

from the boat

and hook that up

to the car's steering wheel.

Your gas pedal, you hook up

to the hand throttle

from the boat,

and as far as the brakes go,

use your anchor rope.

(grunting)

(grunting)

I got our controls

all hooked up.

The only problem is, we got

the headlights at the back.

We got the tail-lights

at the front.

To correct that,

we gotta take those off...

Ok, it's a phillips

screwdriver.

You'll need

plastic flower-holders

and you can turn headlights

into tail-lights.

We got the controls all set up

and she's ready to go boating--

or, I should say, driving --

watch this.

(squeaking)

and start 'er up.

(engine whirring)

it's just that easy

to turn a front-wheel-drive,

front-engine car

into a rear-wheel-drive,

rear-engine car.

Just put everything in reverse.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

It's the best of both worlds.

She looks like a car,

drives like a boat...

"the titanic"!

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

Want to talk

to you ladies out there

so that you don't panic

when your husband

starts going a little wacky.

(audience laughing)

a man gets to a certain age,

he looks around and he realizes

he basically has nothing

to show for his life.

He may have spent the last

25 years sitting at a desk,

or maybe being on the phone

all that time,

and the only progress he's made

is building a huge gut

that protects his belt

from the sun.

(laughing and applause)

so...

(laughing)

you may find, at this point,

that your man will go out and

buy himself some power tools

and start disappearing

into the garage

for long periods of time.

There's nothing to worry about.

What he's doing is building

some huge, clumsy,

odd-looking piece of crap

that he's gonna leave behind

so people will remember him.

They won't be fond memories,

but he doesn't need

to know that now.

And I'll tell you something.

If his mother had kept

that 65-pound ashtray

he brought home in grade 5,

none of this

would have happened.

Here's something

for you moms to remember.

When your son comes home

with his first project,

you treasure it.

Leave it out on the counter

where everybody gets

to look at it all the time.

You'll be doing his future wife

a huge favour.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(laughing and applause)

does it hurt

yet?

Cut it out, harold.

I found the same cordless drill

at the drill depot.

Instead of $97,

it was $86.99, harold.

Wow, that's like

a $10.01 savings.

But there was no case

and no drill bits.

So the one I got is ok.

No, because then I went to

power tools r us.

That's power tools rust --

the "t" fell off the sign.

Well, they had it for

eight bucks less.

So you got that one.

It didn't come with

a charger.

Then I went to number lumber.

I thought we weren't allowed

back in that store.

Well, I waited till

his wife left.

I promised to pay him cash.

That helps.

He had the drill, the case,

the charger, and drill bits,

80 bucks.

Excellent, ok.

But no stock.

So now I'm going to

bill's build-all in buildings.

What about

all your time and gas?

Harold, when you get to my age,

time and gas is

all you have left.

(applause)

all right, time for

"adventures with bill".

Bill's gonna do

some pole-vaulting.

That ground's pretty hard.

You're gonna break

every bone in your body.

He's got another idea.

He's got some type of padding

left from the disco era.

Boy oh boy.

Oh my gosh.

Holy mackerel!

That must have been

uncomfortable to sit on.

He's gonna use that as a...

That would be

the landing area there.

That makes sense.

Now what, bill?

All right.

I don't know quite

what he's got in mind,

but we'll see.

That can't be

all there is to it.

All right, uh...

Away he goes.

The hard ground.

She won't dig in.

There you go.

You're too close!

Oh boy.

You're too close.

So he needs to make

a spot there.

So, he's gonna have me...

I don't know

what I was thinking of here.

But he wanted to use my foot

as the back-stop

for the pole.

I'm getting a little...

So I just...

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Look out, look out.

Whoa!

Oh, hey, hey!

Hey, that's cold.

Make a wish.

All right,

he's got a better idea.

He's gonna plant a hole...

Ow!

... Right in my foot.

Thank you, bill.

There you go.

All right, there you go.

Back he goes.

Just back away.

And here he comes --

mr. Athlete.

And

there he goes!

You're gonna clear it.

It's gonna take a few minutes

to get bill's head out

from his shoulder blades.

We'll finish the adventure

a little later.

With my 12-step programme,

I can help you overcome

that biological imperative.

No more "sorry,

it's a guy thing."

I want to start by

calling on my uncle red.

Oh, man -- no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Never mind.

All right, uh...

My name is red and I'm a man.

Hi, red.

Let's do the

"men anonymous" pledge.

(all): I am a male,

but I can change

if I have to, I guess.

Ok.

Well done, well done.

Let's just open the meeting.

Let's get started.

Who wants to share

their feelings?

Ok, who wants to tell

a good story about themselves?

Oh, ok, great.

Um, dalton.

(clearing

throat)

all right,

uh...

My name's dalton.

(all): Hi, dalton.

I'm a man,

and I have been

ever since the age of 9.

(audience laughing)

I'm working on it,

and uh, you know,

one day at a time.

Anyway, I was out in the garage

the other day,

and I found this.

I don't know what it's for

and I don't know

what it does.

It's not worth much, obviously.

I can't think of a thing

to use it for,

so... I threw it out.

All right.

Very good.

Oh boy.

Uh, you know,

I know that someday

I'm going to be

working around the house,

and I'm gonna need it, but...

It will be the perfect thing.

I threw it out.

How come you still have it?

I thought of

what I could use it for,

so I pulled it

out of the garbage.

What are you going to

use it for?

Well...

Well, to bring to the meeting.

You know, to show, to show you.

To show my resolve.

I'm gonna keep this

as a reminder

of how strong I am

when I put my mind to it.

This is a trophy!

Yeah.

Yup.

(red): All right.

Here we are to finish off

"adventures with bill".

He's decided that one pole

isn't long enough.

That's why

he's not clearing the bar.

So we got a couple together.

Boy, that...

That looks safe and sturdy.

And so does the pole.

And he comes and he comes.

He plants that.

And then up, up, up, up.

Way you go.

Up, up.

This happens to a lot of men

bill's age.

Come on, bill, give it up.

So what he decided he needs

is more speed.

That's where the van...

It's sir vault-a-lot.

Up he goes.

And away you go over the bar.

Hey, that's three points.

Ow!... Ohh!

I think that we've finally got

this thing finished off,

don't we, bill?

Yeah, he's finished off.

Special thanks

to a viewer

for these

band-aids

made from

duct tape.

There is nothing

like getting bargains

to make you feel good.

Then, with the money you save,

you can buy more bargains.

How much was

the cordless drill?

Oh -- we almost bought one

up in port asbestos.

You went all the way

to port asbestos

to save a few bucks?

To save an extra dollar,

you gotta go an extra mile.

An extra 125 miles?!

Did you save an extra $125?

'cause if you did,

that means you spent

minus $28 on the drill.

They had one at

the shoppers club, $72.50.

Mind you, you had to be there

for the special,

clip the coupon,

cash in your air miles,

then you had

to scratch-and-save

and mail in the rebate.

So how much did you pay?

Well, nothing, harold.

There was

so many other bargains.

Cheese, they had 25 pounds

of cheese for 10 bucks.

And it looked great.

Really orangey.

And then you get

that much cheese,

you gotta go with the crackers.

A huge bucket of cracker,

23 bucks.

Old man sedgwick got

a big barrel of lego.

How much to join this club?

Only 45 bucks.

You see why we didn't have

money to buy a cordless--

now we're going to go

where the real bargains are,

across the border.

No.

Oh, yeah.

Duty-free perfume, beer.

Cheap shoes, cheap shirts,

cheap drills.

God bless america.

God save america.

Want to talk to you young kids,

if any of you are watching.

I feel sorry for you guys.

Gotta be tough

being a kid these days.

As soon as you find

something cool to wear or do,

some dorky parent

does the same thing

'cause it makes them

feel young.

Maybe it's wearing

your cap backwards

or your pants inside-out,

or maybe that mosh-pit thing.

It doesn't matter

what it is.

Parents get into it

and that makes it uncool.

How must you feel when

a senior citizen

can do it better than you?

You know what I say?

You got to get into

weirder and weirder music,

wearing wilder

and wilder clothes,

and doing stranger

and stranger behaviour.

Eventually you'll be

so far out there

that no adult in

their right mind will try it.

But don't get your hopes up.

Adults in their right mind

are a minority.

(grunting)

ow, ow.

Is that you, uncle red,

or the path of the tornado?

Harold, you missed out on

some great bargains.

How did you get

across the border?

I thought you were allowed

$300 worth of stuff?

We never got to the border.

Oh, the lawn sales.

Man!

Unbelievable.

That would explain the wheel.

I got three more like it

for 20 bucks.

Think of the stuff

we can make.

Coffee table, coat rack,

lazy susan, you know.

Where have you seen

a lawn chair for five bucks.

Oh, boy, there you go.

This is just me thinking.

I'm thinking there.

Did you happen to pick up

a cordless drill

for junior singleton?

Think back.

I got one for 10 bucks.

Look at that.

Cordless, variable speed,

reversible,

and never needs charging.

Ok, fine,

but I'm keeping this one.

I love this.

I've been drilling.

Sanding and boring all day.

Harold, you've been boring

all your life.

A-ha-ha.

(imitating john wayne):

I've fixed 9,000 things

with this today.

Ha ha ha.

I would have fixed more, but

I ran out of screws.

I know where

we can get 'em cheap.

Don't even think about it!

Don't you do that!

(possum

squeal)

it's time for the meeting.

I'll see you downstairs then,

mr. Bargoon.

I'll be right there,

mr. Total-goon.

(laughing)

if my wife is watching,

I'll be home after the meeting,

unless I go by a yard sale

or a garage sale...

Or a dump.

Thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(red): Get off there, harold.

(harold): Everybody

to their seats.

He'll get grouchy

if you're not in your seats.

You don't wanna see that.

His beard all foamy

and crumbs--

oh, he's here.

All rise.

What are you sitting down?

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down.

All these years

I've been waiting

to drill harold.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!