The Florida Trip/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: And now

it's time for the show

that answers the questions who,

what, where, when, and why.

"what?" you ask, and I'll say,

"the red green show."

"where?" you ask.

Well, right here. Where else?

And why?

Because we like you.

And, of course,

you know we need the money,

and the time slot was available.

And who?

Well, only

the greatest human being

who ever walked

through that door

at the back

of the lodge there --

you know, sort of to the left

by the snowshoes right there.

Here he is, the star of our show

and my uncle,

mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

You forgot "how?"

and "what the hell?"

thank you.

Welcome to possum lodge.

It's a pleasure

for me to be here.

That doesn't mean I wouldn't

be happier someplace else.

And speaking of someplace else,

you've already met my nephew --

and, on a more personal note,

my producer/director -- harold.

Hello, I'm the guy who makes the

buttons and the show do this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ chuckles ]

oh, sure,

blame it on the buttons.

The guys are pretty edgy

up at the lodge this week.

I don't know what it is, but,

I'll tell you, I don't like it.

You think maybe

it's just everybody's

starting to get

on each other's nerves.

Sometimes people do that.

They get on each other's nerves.

They start to bug other people.

Think that's what it could be?

What do you think,

uncle red?

Well, harold --

sometimes when that happens,

you can't even control the way

you feel about stuff.

It just starts to bug you,

and you don't even know why.

Yeah, I-I imagine --

'cause they grate on you, right?

That's what the big thing is.

It just grates and grates.

You know why?

People keep doing the same thing

again and again and again

and again and again and again

and again and again and again

and again and again and again

and again and again.

And then, you know what?

They do it again.

Oh, ho ho, that's --

well, that's a theory.

I may have to kill him someday.

Anyway, I think what

the guys need is a vacation.

I mean, I know they come up here

to get away from it all,

but sometimes they start

bringing it with them.

You know, like,

this morning,

I asked old man sedgwick

to pass me the salt, right?

Shut up, harold.

No -- okay, no, I'm sorry.

See, I didn't mean that.

I didn't mean that, harold.

I had a cup of coffee

about a week ago,

kind of jangled my nerves,

and I feel bad.

No, I didn't mean it.

Go ahead, go on. Go on, go on.

This morning, I asked old man

sedgwick, "pass me the salt."

he said, "oh, well,

what's in it for me?" I said --

shut up, harold.

I meant it that time.

Okay. Oh, sheesh.

Any of you fellas

see this month's edition

of humongous fish?

No.

No. No,

I haven't seen that, doc.

Well, now,

in the "get reel" column,

they say the marlin are biting

off the florida coast --

gulf side.

Oh, that's good fishing, boys,

I'll tell you.

I was there about 10 years back.

[ sniffs ]

did you catch anything?

He just did.

Well, as a matter of fact,

on my last day there,

the sun was just dipping down

below the horizon.

I was just coming back up

from the bathroom

after throwing up

my dramamine.

Soon as I sat down

on that chair -- bang! --

Something hit my bait,

and that line went up

from between my legs so fast,

you couldn't see it!

But you could hear that reel

squealing, though,

I'll tell you that much,

those ball bearings heating up.

She was

172,000 degrees kelvin.

Luckily, fear helped me

cool it down.

That's what happens when you get

your line caught in a prop, doc.

How about one of my

lardies in a blanket, hmm?

No. Thanks, though.

Okay, suit yourselves.

[ chuckles ]

yeah, she was

the biggest marlin you ever saw.

Took four men

and a small boy to land it.

17 tons of fish,

all of it muscle.

And how would you clean

something like that, now?

Hmm, well, we tossed it

on a boat trailer,

towed it

to the nearest car wash,

and went at it with a bucksaw.

Well, the manager refused

to honor our gas coupons.

Got some nice tumblers, though.

Anyway, I'm thinking about

mounting another expedition

to the sunshine state.

No way.

Oh, disney world?

Oh, come on,

we can't afford to go.

The airfares are too much,

and, besides,

you guys would all want to bring

your fish back as carryon.

Well, now, we happen to know

somebody who owns an r.V.

What? The r.V.?

You want to take the r.V.

To florida?

I was thinking how nice

that r.V. Would look

parked on a florida beach.

Oh, sure. Can you just see it?

I can see it. Huh?

And the bumper stickers,

huh?

"I visited disney world,"

busch gardens.

"we saw seaworld"?

That's the one.

[ chuckles ]

man, I can just see it.

I can just see it.

So, the, uh --

the r.V.'s going to florida?

Abso-tutely.

[ laughter ]

oh, this is so

totally awesome!

Oh, busch gardens,

disney world,

the girls on the beaches,

you know,

with their teeny-weeny,

microscopic bikinis.

You know, I got my binoculars,

you know, and my suntan lotion,

you know, a real high number,

too, you know,

'cause

you can use those...

And, of course, you know,

fishing for marvin.

For marlin.

Marlin, you know,

whoever is around.

Well, I'm up for it.

[ chuckles ]

I'm in.

You, eddie?

You hate fishing.

Well, I'm going.

All right, bill?

Okay, that's it, all right.

I'll go out to the r.V.

I got all the new maps.

I just got them from

the r.V. Gypsy road club.

Oh, yeah, they got

all these little symbols

where they marked out where you

can get, like, fat parking spots

and you get

cheap gas, huh?

And we can just

jump on that I-75

and right through

tennessee!

Oh, boy, you know,

I'd be up for it, too,

you know, if anybody asked me.

Or not.

Red, how about one?

Oh, no, thanks, eddie,

not if doc here

is gonna be out of town.

And I think you boys

should realize something.

You know, uh,

glen likes going places,

and he likes coming back, but he

really doesn't like being there.

Well, that's 'cause nobody

likes him being there.

Well, how are we gonna

get to florida

if we don't take

glen's r.V.?

I mean how are you guys gonna

get to florida without his r.V.?

Is what I meant.

Well, we have glen's r.V.

I never said anything

about glen.

Oh, boy.

Holdy-holdy-hold it

right there.

No, that's -- that's subversive,

that's manipulative.

No way. Count me out.

That is wrong. No. Unh-unh.

Of course, if you chip in

for gas, harold,

we could see our way clear

to dropping you off

at disney world.

Okay, I'm in.

Oh, boy, I -- I got a real bad

feeling about this,

even though it would do

harold here a world of good

to meet the real goofy.

It'll be a piece of cake.

Not your cake, of course.

Okay.

Say, uh, glen-o, uh,

you feeling all right?

You look

a little peaked there.

You're not, uh, coming down

with anything, are you?

No.

Oh, I don't think

I can watch this.

See you guys later.

Hey, this will be great,

huh, glen?

Be good

for the r.V., too,

to get on a nice, long run

like this under its belt.

Sure,

do it a world of good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it'd be great.

Yeah, I can see

the r.V. Now,

parked underneath those

swaying palm trees, huh?

[ chuckles ]

yes, sir, lawn chairs

out front, huh?

I'm in the hammock.

Eddie's at the barbecue.

I can't see the barbecue,

of course.

[ laughter ]

harold's out front,

throwing his frisbee.

Harold?

Oh, the kid's got his heart set

on shaking pluto's paw.

Oh, okay, sure, harold.

I can't ask you not to go.

It's the trip

of a lifetime, huh?

Oh, yeah.

And the sun's

beaming down,

and bill's

gathering up coconuts.

What am I doing, doc?

Running your marina.

I can't run my marina

from florida.

Well, we'll send you

a postcard, then, huh, fellas?

Doc, uh,

it's my r.V., see?

The thing --

I go where the r.V. Goes.

Well, now -- now, glen,

there's not room enough

for all of us.

Well, then,

one of you can't go.

Well, now [chuckles] that's not

the way it works, glen-o.

You see, with all of us --

it's all of us or none of us.

Well, grab a chair, then, doc,

'cause nobody's going then, huh?

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ a-winnie-hoo, away-away ♪

♪ a-humba-gumba-ah ♪

♪ that's the song you sing

with a hornet in your shorts ♪

[ birds chirping ]

[ hammering ]

red: This week on, uh,

"handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you what

you can do with all that crap

your wife makes you bring in

every winter.

You know, first of all,

there's the picnic table.

She doesn't want that

in the backyard,

'cause she wants to get it

out of the weather,

and also

it stops the snowmobilers

from running

into the clothesline.

And then you have

the lawn edging.

[ clattering ]

she wants you to bring that in.

You know, it goes between

the garden and the lawn.

She doesn't want you to run over

that with a snowblower...

[ clears throat ]

...Again.

Now, this I can understand.

The croquet set. Okay, fine.

You don't want to

be playing croquet

when the balls are all frozen

and split like cooked peas.

On the other hand,

the indoor-outdoor carpeting

is a bit of a stretch,

because, to me, uh...

The word "outdoor" is right

in the name, you know --

along with "odor," I guess,

is part of "outdoor."

and shouldn't this

be outdoors with --

apparently not.

And, finally, uh, my work socks,

which have been out on the line

since around lent.

But, you know,

rather than accept this

as a storage problem,

the true handyman accepts this

as a challenge.

And I happen to be packing

my staple gun.

And when

I'm packing my staple gun,

I'm ready for any challenge.

[ click, pop ]

oh. Sorry, harold.

[ click, pop ]

all right,

step one is to, uh...

Put everything off the table

except for the, uh...

The carpeting.

And we want to

attach the carpeting,

and then we're going to attach

the lawn edging to the table,

using the staple gun,

just like reupholstering

a chair.

[ clicking ]

comme ci, comme ça.

And now all we do is, uh,

put the croquet hoops

in where the gaps are

and then cover them over

with the work socks,

using the handyman's

secret weapon...

[ sniffs ]

...Duct tape.

So, there you have it.

Let the winter stay

as long as it wants.

I'll be inside here,

playing croquet pool.

And, you know,

if you wanted to build

some sort of

a ball-return system here,

you could use the downspouts

from your eavesdropping

or even your toilet drainpipes.

Now, okay.

Yellow ball in the side pocket.

Oh, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ clattering ]

nice break.

"it is winter.

"the snow is plowed and piled

deep at the side of the road.

"here and there, sticking out

of the giant mounds,

the hands or feet

of slow pedestrians."

so, red, what did you do

when you left school?

[ tool clanks ]

well, harold,

usually, I'd go home

and empty the pigsties,

you know, except thursdays.

Thursdays,

I hosed down the horses.

I hated thursdays.

No, no, uncle red, I mean, like,

after you graduated school.

What did you do then?

Well, uh, after grade 7,

I went right into the army.

They take them --

they take you into the army

from grade 7?

Well, they do

if you're 19 years old.

Now, why don't you

join the army, harold,

earn a career, huh?

[ laughing ] no!

No, I don't think so.

I don't think marching in step

is a big plus

on anybody's résumé anymore,

uncle red.

[ laughs ]

join the army? No way.

You got to get up early,

go marching around,

wear uniforms,

live in spartan quarters,

eat lousy food,

carry guns,

get killed, be killed,

who knows?

[ chuckles ]

all for minimum wage?

I can do that here.

Well, there's no life

like it.

Well, I'll tell you,

this florida trip

has been on and off again

more times than

old man sedgwick's toupee.

Now glen says he's gonna

make it a solo run --

32 hours of thunder,

straight down there.

40 hours, actually,

if he sticks to the speed limit.

But the guys are holding fast

with that "all for one

and one size fits all" thing --

at least they've been publicly.

I have a feeling a few of them

are trying to cut side deals --

you know, on-the-side deals.

It's funny, isn't it?

For a guy nobody likes,

glen has sure gained

a lot of popularity.

Well, you know, uncle red,

he's got the power.

You know what they say --

power and person of popularity,

they go hand in hand.

Oh, yeah, well, how come nobody

can stand the guy

who produces and directs

this show?

Well, they're jealous,

aren't they?

Oh, that must be it.

Well, anyway, everybody's

kind of looking forward

to going to down to florida,

even harold here.

I think he's dying

to go down to disney world

and ride on one of them

big huge teacups.

That would be so neat.

[ chuckles ]

do you think it's like

you sit in a big tea bag?

Like I say, everybody's got

their own reasons for going.

Except eddie.

I don't know why he's going.

And, of course, myself.

There's nothing for me there.

Oh, yes, there is. What about

the fountain of youth?

You know, you remind me

of ponce de león.

You got the beard, and

you can never find anything.

Just take us into

the next segment, harold.

[ laughs ]

I struck a nerve.

No, but I'm going to.

O-kay.

[ birds chirping ]

[ humming ]

ed, you okay?

Oh, red. Red, look,

I'm glad you're here.

I-I need your advice.

Yeah, you do.

Do you know

what's in florida?

[ sniffing ]

swamp?

[ sighs ]

disney world.

Do you know

what's in disney world?

Mgm studios.

And now they've got

backstage studio tours.

When I see mr. Spielberg,

I'm gonna leap from the bus,

I'm gonna jump

up on that stage,

and I'm gonna sing and dance

my way into his heart.

I'm gonna get noticed,

red.

Well, by the security guards,

at the very least.

You got something

in the oven there, eddie?

[ sighs ]

everything is under control.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Ow, ow!

Fine.

W-what do you think

I should do?

Should I -- should I sing

and play clarinet,

tap-dance with a mannequin,

juggle telephones

and tell jokes?

What's really popular?

Talent.

I'm gonna knock

their socks off, red.

I got what they need.

Well, unless

they need a cook.

Eddie, have you got raw,

unpeeled potatoes

sitting right

on the heat there?

[ sighs ]

it doesn't matter.

This is my career!

Yeah, you're right.

Those are large potatoes.

This is my moment, red.

And I'm gonna seize my moment.

♪ sha-boom, sha-boom ♪

[ loud popping ]

[ screaming ]

ugh.

Everyone's a critic.

Red: Got a real --

oh, oh, oh.

Uh, what I wanted to say

was we got a real special

adventure will bill today.

It's going out to all

our friends down in australia.

Uh, first of all,

this table's for sale.

And what

we wanted to do today was,

bill had an idea

to do something on boomerangs.

He had bought this boomerang

down at, uh, mack's --

mack's, uh...Mack's boomerangs,

I think it's called.

Anyway -- oh, gosh,

there goes the wrapper.

Look at that. Look at that.

Holy mackerel.

Yeah, I guess, they --

look out!

Bill, bill, bill, bill!

Got her. Nice catch.

I don't know how that worked,

but, by golly,

bill's got the touch.

So, he gets the boomerang,

and the idea is, you know,

that you're trying to

use this as a we--

[ sloop ]

maybe he didn't quite get the

grip just -- just right on that.

And give her another go.

Give her another --

all right. I'll try her, bill.

I'll try her.

I've never done this before.

I think I did it the other way.

Oh, by golly,

I can't believe this.

Curving right around by the barn

and coming up.

Oh! Nice catch!

I'm kind of

proud of myself there.

So, now bill says, okay,

before you go hunting

or whatever with a boomerang,

you got to sort of

do a little target practice.

So, luckily,

I had these empty bottles

in the back of the van --

purely coincidental, I'm sure.

[ grunts ]

oh, gonna take a little bit

longer to set those up

than what we'd planned,

but we got nothing but time

here on "the red green show."

and I'll give her a try.

Not bad, not bad, not bad.

Bill will give her a shot.

Let's see how this goes.

[ whack ]

uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

[ screams ]

yeah. Yeah.

Wow, that would hurt.

Ohh. I told him

to have that bunion removed.

Get that out of there.

[ pop ]

ohh!

Oh, my gosh.

Ew. That's gonna

affect the flight.

[ slooping ]

just a little outside.

Uh-oh.

Thank you, bill.

All right,

we're gonna try her again.

This one, he fires and just --

up she goes.

And you're looking

up into the sun there, and --

oh, you can't see it.

Well, just forget

about that one.

Bill's got -- bill's got

a couple more, so...

[ whooshing ]

I hear it coming, though.

Ow!

All right,

let her go. Let her go.

[ whooshing, smack ]

oh, oh, my lucky hat.

Oh, my gosh.

Bill, what have you done

to my hat?

I don't care how it happened.

You did it.

All right, all right,

settle down, settle down,

settle down, settle down.

Look at that. Look at that.

Oh, my gosh.

This is for bringing down

big game

like elephants or --

or even, I would say, humans.

Ow!

Oh, she's out of control there.

Went up, turned the other way,

started heading back.

Get out!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Nice shot, bill.

Well, by golly,

this florida trip

has gotten real complicated.

Now glen is charging

everybody $500

to go to florida in his r.V.

I mean,

that's more than the airfare.

But, then, you can't have

beer parties and food fights

on an airplane.

So it looks like everybody's

gonna go except glen,

which means no one's gonna go

except glen.

Apparently,

that all gets explained

at tonight's lodge meeting.

I think it'd be simpler

if florida came here.

Oh, yeah,

wouldn't that be great?

We could sure use

some fresh orange juice here.

Can you not just picture me

lying in the white sand?

Yeah, you'd blend right in,

harold.

[ screeching ]

oh, that's the cry

of the wild possum.

It's meeting time --

now we get to find out

who gets to go to the sunshine

state and who doesn't.

Yeah, I'm beginning

to understand

why there's so many old people

in florida.

Takes your whole life

to make the travel arrangements.

I'll be right back.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise.

[ conversations stop ]

[ sighs ]

all:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

The floor recognizes

doc render.

Thank you, red. Now, then,

gentlemen, about this florida --

forget it!

Oh, now, no, you see, glen-o,

we all want to go with you.

Huh, guys? See?

Everybody, yeah.

Yeah, look,

we feel really bad, glen.

We want you to go.

We really do.

It wouldn't be any fun

without you.

What's the catch? I'm supposed

to fly down or something?

No, no, no.

Together, you see?

Together?

Yeah.

Huh?

All right.

[ laughs ]

aah!

Sure. Look, okay,

yeah, all right.

Florida, here we come,

huh?

[ cheering ]

the nine amigos

are florida-bound.

Hold it. There's only room

for eight on the r.V.

Yes, but we're

towing a boat.

I mean, someone

can just ride in the back.

Ooh, well.

You mean, somebody's

gonna ride in that boat

all the way to florida?

Yeah, it'll be summer.

It's like riding

in a convertible.

[ chuckles ]

now, then, we're gonna draw

to see who goes in the boat.

All right, now,

we've all put our names

on these little pieces

of paper here, glen.

So, bill, give him a piece

of paper, pencil. Good.

And just fill your name out

there, drop her in the bucket.

[ laughs ]

and now we'll commence

with our unlucky draw.

[ clattering ]

pump! Pump!

Red: Watch yourself,

there, harold.

Thanks, uncle red.

Red, why don't you

do the drawing,

seeing how you're

uninvolved and unbiased?

And uninterested.

Okay,

our lucky loser is...

[ sniffs ]

...Glen braxton.

Oh, man!

Loser!

What are the odds,

huh?

Well, I'm guessing,

uh, one in nine.

Oh, boy.

Well, I'll get

to see the r.V.

Rolling down the highway

full steam, you know?

Well, I better

go pack a windbreaker.

We leave at dawn.

Yeah!

Gas fumes -- I don't know

about those gas fumes.

Whoo!

What a guy!

This is kind of interesting.

Harold, look how much

glen braxton's handwriting

looks like yours.

Isn't that weird?

[ indistinct conversations ]

and he spelled

his last name wrong.

That's unusual,

isn't it?

Well, he was nervous, red.

You know, you never can tell.

Bill spelled

"glen braxton" right.

Oh!

Moose got it wrong.

[ laughs ]

"braxton"...

"glen braxton"...

"braxton."

you, uh -- you won't tell him,

will you, red?

And give up two weeks

of peace and quiet?

You out of your mind?

[ laughter ]

all right, any more

lodge business, bill?

Pbht!

Okay, I'm gonna call

on eddie here.

Eddie, get up,

give us a little entertainment.

Hello, hello.

Yes, well, I'd like to do

the audition piece

that I plan to use

at the mgm studio

when we arrive there

at the epcot center there --

that special thing.

Uh, it's a mime piece.

It's a mime piece.

And I have entitled it

quite simply...

"man in the wind,

in a box that's shrinking,

while doing a tug-of-war,

smiling."

well, glen has to be about

the saddest, most desperate guy

I've ever met,

and around here, that's going

something, I'll tell you.

Still, the boat's

got a windshield,

so he won't be too bad off.

He can take off

a couple of his coats

after they hit north carolina.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And I thought maybe

we could have our very own

stay-at-home vacation.

I'll bring a quart

of orange juice and a sunlamp,

and, uh, maybe

we can go to adventureland,

unless the roller coaster

is closed.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

sounds like.

It's a book. It's a movie?

Watch your

truss there, ed.

Am I missing

something here?

I don't know.

Should we help him?

Lardies in a blanket.

Oh, uh-oh.

Now, easy, fellas.

Come on.