The Putter Attack/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: Welcome. Welcome, ladies

and gentlemen, boys and girls,

senior citizens,

viewers everywhere,

and all ships at sea

and dry-docked boats,

and boats sitting on concrete

blocks in marine museums.

It's time again for

the most exciting outdoor show

since "carnivorous carl's

forest frog."

bringing you the best

in entertainment,

a show involving trees.

It's the one and the lonely

"red green show,"

starring the man

who brought you,

like, the acting to the woods

and wood to his acting.

Here he is -- the bubbly

and irreferable red green.

Thank you, harold.

Thank you,

and welcome to possum lodge --

uh, the place that proves

that nature hates a vacuum.

We never use one.

And speaking of vacuums,

harold here

is our producer, director,

and all-around button pusher.

And not just any buttons.

This is my vertical flange,

and this is

my reverse pinwheel.

Ha ha!

It's called

an a.D.O. Machine.

A.D.O. -- That spells "ado,"

as in "much ado about nothing."

anyway, it's been kind of

a typical week up at the lodge.

Old man sedgwick woke up

the other day only to find out

that his pants had been stolen

while he was sleeping.

So, anyway, he crawled up

out of the ditch [clears throat]

dusted himself off, started

hitchhiking back to the lodge.

But, by golly, he was having

a tough time getting a ride

'cause people just are hesitant

to stop for a guy

who's got no pants on.

It's just the kind of world

that we live in now, you know?

People are so darn suspicious.

And then when a car would stop,

old man sedgwick

was a little suspicious.

I mean, who would stop

with a guy with no pants on?

Plus the fact that he was

a little bit confused

and he'd forgotten which finger

to use to hitchhike with.

Luckily, stinky peterson

was coming by,

and he -- he picked him up

and, uh, drove him up

to the lodge here.

But, by golly, old man sedgwick

was pretty upset about the loss

of his favorite red pants.

You know,

I-I think I might be

a little bit more upset

about waking up in a ditch

and not having any idea

as to how I got there.

Well, I'm sure he was, too,

the first time it happened.

Anyway, uh, old man sedgwick

says that we got to, you know,

tighten up lodge security now.

Well, I agree with him on that,

you know,

'cause it's terrible

around here, uncle red.

I'm afraid to leave

my valuable tv equipment.

There's no locks

in the doors.

There's no doorknobs

on the doors.

In some places,

there's no doors

where there's

supposed to be doors.

Well, uh, harold, up here,

we have an expression --

"if it ain't broke,

don't fix it.

And if it is broke,

don't fix it."

well, anyway, uh, noel christmas

is our head of security,

and, of course, old man sedgwick

has put a bug in his ear,

so he's gonna be

tightening everything up.

Hopefully it won't

get in the way

of the great, great, fabulous,

superduper extravaganza show

we got for you this week.

Take it away, harold.

You're talking about

this show?

Okay.

[ chuckles ]

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ groaning ]

is he dead?

If he's dead,

I'm in big trouble.

Oh, big trouble.

[ groans ]

oh, he's alive.

Okay, all right. All right.

He's alive.

Oh, no, he's alive.

How come helmut's

not sleeping in his cabin?

Uh, he's,

uh, unconscious.

Oh, okay, then.

All right.

It -- it seemed somebody bashed

him over the head

with this club

from that bag.

Ohh.

Oh, it was you, wasn't it?

[ laughs ]

oh, noel.

Oh, in my opinion, noel,

that was an error in judgment.

[ laughs ]

when he wakes up, he's gonna

grab you by the ankles

and make a wish.

[ laughs ]

it was his fault.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, everyone's

supposed to use a password.

Doesn't anybody get my memo?

Oh, yeah, we get your memos.

We just don't read them.

You know, maybe what you should

do is send out memos saying,

"hey, read my memo."

well,

that's not gonna work.

Wish I had something.

So, noel, you shoot

another lodge member here?

He brained helmut

with a golf club.

Oh, for gosh sake.

What is par

for helmut's head?

He -- he --

it was his fault.

He didn't use

the password.

You know,

I'm just gonna go get some ice,

because when he wakes up,

he's gonna be sore.

[ chuckles ]

yeah, he's right.

If I was you, noel, I'd be out

of here when he wakes up.

Starship entry 222.

Uh, book a flight to rio

and a, uh --

and book a hospital room.

Remember to cancel one of them.

[ chuckles nervously ]

oh, what happened?

Someone forgot to yell

"fore"?

No, no, helmut forgot

to yell the password.

Oh, "password."

there's a fun game.

Not nearly as fun as golf,

though.

Well, I'm out of here.

Well, that's odd.

My bag

feels one club lighter.

The putter's missing,

by the sound of it.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

My fuzzy zoeller putter

is missing.

My autographed

fuzzy zoeller putter!

Oh!

My lucky autographed

fuzzy zoeller putter

has been stolen!

Oh!

My aluminum-headed lucky

autographed fuzzy zoeller putter

has been stolen

in broad daylight!

Do something!

Noel,

you're head of security.

Uh-huh.

Do something -- quick.

Uh, I-I did!

I implemented

a system of passwords.

Oh, good. Good, noel.

Oh, good old noel.

Good.

You fight them,

all right?

When you find them, let me just

have one minute with them alone.

That's all I need.

I will tear a divot out of their

hide the size of a throw rug!

I paid 500 bucks

for that club.

Who knows

what it's worth now?

Well, bob,

you'd be surprised.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ sometimes when

I'm sleeping outdoors at night ♪

♪ sometimes, sometimes ♪

♪ I count all the stars ♪

♪ and I can see

they're, you know, in sight ♪

♪ it takes a long, long, long,

long, long time ♪

♪ and it's pretty hard ♪

♪ h-a-r-d ♪

♪ and I start thinking ♪

♪ "hey, if I'm not the one

who started the argument ♪

♪ why am I sleeping

out in the yard?" ♪

this week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you what

you can do with an old fridge.

You know,

a fridge is kind of like a kid.

Even when they don't work,

you hate to throw them out.

They end up sitting out

on the back porch full of beer.

And the same thing happens

to fridges.

So, I say to myself, "what do

you do with an old fridge, eh?

"think I can make something

out of that?

"how about another appliance?

How about making it

into a dishwasher?"

okay, so, the first thing

you need to do

is to create a hole

for your water coming in.

So you go up to your fridge

and you measure down

about an arm, okay?

Now, uh, if you don't believe

that you have

a standard-size arm,

you could use half a leg.

All right, now you want

to just drill a hole in there.

[ clears throat ]

time is kind of

of the essence here.

All right, our water supply

will go in there.

Now, as far as the water goes,

just a normal garden hose

hooked up to your normal

garden-hose outlet.

We don't get fancy here.

We just get effective.

There we go.

That brings back a few memories.

All right.

Now you want to disperse the

water, uh, inside the fridge.

Uh, you know, dishwashers have

a lot of jets and so forth

that sprinkles water around.

Uh, how about staying

with our garden motif here

and installing a sprinkler?

What you do is just maybe

mount this up in here

and maybe put this one down

in the bottom.

You know,

it's pretty well wide open.

I don't like that style.

I like to be

a little more creative.

Take your hose.

Put a real good knot in there.

[ grunting ]

and then you want

to water-seal everything up,

so use duct tape

on the end of the hose,

and, uh, I would ever wrap

duct tape

around where the hose

goes actually into the unit.

Now, when you turn the water on,

the water's got nowhere to go.

So what you do is grab a small,

pointy screwdriver

and maybe just...

Sharpen her up a little

and just punch a few holes

right into the hose.

And now you're ready

to throw the dishes in there.

Yes, got it all loaded up there.

Cutlery can go right --

right nicely into the door.

And if you are upset about this

ugly-looking thing on the side,

you can put this side

of the fridge against the wall.

And now we'll just put

our detergent in there.

Throw that into the butter tray.

Okay.

Close her up.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna just throw a little

chunk of duct tape on there.

You know me -- mr. Safety.

Okay, now I'll just go out

and turn the hose on,

and we can start washing dishes.

[ water splashing ]

[ clattering ]

all right.

Should be done now, I guess.

Oh, boy.

Isn't that something?

[ chuckles ]

uh...The cutlery's okay,

but, uh...The dishes

seem to have melted here.

Oh, no, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh.

All right,

maybe we made the knot

just a tad too hefty on this.

We might have -- maybe --

maybe the sprinklers

was a better way to go.

But it works.

I'm amazed.

So, remember -- if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

This would probably be better

for washing tools.

[ speaks indistinctly ]

uh, listen,

you're pretty handy.

Can you straighten

that thing out?

No, no, no!

"it is autumn.

"sitting in a duck blind,

shotgun raised.

"sighting down the barrel.

"a duck floats closer

and closer.

"boom.

"I blow its plastic head off.

"if you'd be squatting here

in the cold dampness

"since 6:00 this morning,

you'd be bored enough

to shoot your decoys, too."

red: Harold,

what's the password?

Well, just a sec.

Well, what -- what time is it?

2:30.

2:30.

2:30, okay.

That's between 2:00 and 3:00.

So that's -- that's --

this is tomorrow's list.

Okay. All right.

Hold on. Hold on.

Assassination.

Okay.

Assassination.

Oh, it's okay, uncle red.

Noel's not even here.

He's hiding

from bob and helmut.

Oh. Okay, good.

Well, helmut is up and about,

but, uh,

he can't remember his name

or what he should have been

wearing [clears throat]

which is the same thing --

helmet.

Kind of an unusual name,

isn't it?

You know, I used to think

his parents were german,

but it turns out they were in

a motorcycle gang.

Anyway, bob stuyvesant

is making everybody's life

a living hell around here,

looking for this, uh --

looking for this putter.

And what's the big deal?

It's only a putter.

I mean, it's not like it's a --

a lucky hat.

Anyway, uh, between, uh,

helmut's head

and bob's one-track mind,

noel's caught between

a rock and a hard place.

I'd sure hate to be noel

right around now.

Well, harold,

I'd hate to be you anytime.

So, bob has turned

the whole lodge upside down

looking for this putter.

Why is it a man gets so

emotional about their

possessions and cars,

and yet they treat their loved

ones with such indifference?

Oh, harold, give it a rest,

will you?

Take us into

the next segment.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Uncle red, though, before we --

I was just wondering, you know?

I didn't want to ask you

in front of the guys,

because I didn't want to

seem like sexually naive

or something, you know?

But I was wondering, um, what --

what is a fuzzy zoeller?

Oh, it's -- it's one

of those cover things

that golfers use on their clubs

to protect them.

Oh! Oh. Oh, yeah.

Well, they sell those

in the washroom at school.

[ chuckles ]

how's it going, douglas?

What can I do for you?

No, no, no.

It's red.

Oh, go jump in the water.

It'll cool down.

No, I'm red.

You called me douglas.

No, I didn't, glen.

Oh, all right.

All right.

Well, helmut,

do you have any idea

who or what hit you

on the head this morning?

Oh, I don't have time

for your head now.

I-I got a pump here that needs

servicing, young lady.

Oh, well, that's good,

'cause you're one guy

who can fix things, helmut.

You know, my -- my mom used

to hit me like that.

It helped me sleep.

You know,

a cup of warm milk and a 2x4.

Oh, well, well, helmut,

do you think --

you think you could

straighten up this, uh, putter?

I have no idea

how this happened.

Do you have a mother,

boyd?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah,

I have one of those.

You're not gonna call me harold,

are you?

Do you call her a lot --

your mother?

Well, now, "a lot"

is a funny expression, helmut.

If you mean more

than once a year, then no.

But -- but, you know,

if I called her more often,

I don't think

we'd be as close.

Why, I don't call my mom

as often as I should, either.

Uh, yeah, but, helmut,

you live with your mother.

Well,

that -- that's no excuse.

I-I could call.

I-I could make the time.

Doesn't she look like

mamie eisenhower?

Uh, all right.

Yeah.

Uh, you think you could --

you could straighten that out?

Bob would really appreciate it,

helmut.

Well, I don't know,

mamie.

Aluminum head.

The shaft might just snap

when I try to straighten it out.

That'll happen, you know?

Mental fatigue.

Well, if it happens,

it happens.

Uh, we got nothing to lose

at this point, helmut.

Okay.

Well, I was afraid

that would happen.

Yeah, they just don't make them

like they used to, huh?

I'll tell you, that's one sturdy

pump you got there, though.

Thanks.

Do you mind if I go call

my mother?

No, you go ahead.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Say -- say hi to red for me.

Yeah, right, and -- and you

say hello to your mother.

Right.

Hey, mom!

Dad says hello!

[ film projector clicking ]

red:

Uh, bill told me to meet him

at the top of the cliff there.

He was gonna do

a little rappelling,

so I thought

he would be climbing up,

but he was coming up --

oh!

He scared the --

well, you know,

he scared me, you know.

Anyway, bill had all the ropes,

and, uh, this is a real

interesting kind of sport.

It's, uh --

I'm not sure how old this is.

What you do is

you take a piece of rope,

and there's a --

there's a technique.

And, of course, bill --

you throw that down.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And it's the way you wind

the rope around, uh, your body.

It's got to wind --

okay, under both legs. Yeah.

And it goes around, under,

and then up and through.

Yeah, up and through.

Up and through.

Put that tight.

Oh. Oh.

No, he's all right.

He's all right.

Okay, you got to tell --

communication is a big part of

the -- a big part of the game,

as it is -- as it is --

as it is with --- yeah.

So you can --

then he winds that around,

and now you drop --

now he's ready to go,

but, you know, bill started

to think there's something --

he thought there was something

he hadn't done, and --

and couldn't --

but what it was

is he'd forgotten to tie the end

to the tree.

Unfortunate.

Aah!

Ohh!

I think he could have got down

there a little faster.

And then he wanted --

wanted me to throw him

some kind of a grappling hook so

he could hook it onto the rope

and then throw the rope back up

and we could sort of start over.

So he --

I didn't have a grappling hook.

All I had, of course,

was -- was an anchor.

Yikes!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Can't believe I missed him.

So, he, uh --

he picked up the anchor,

and then he -- what he's gonna

do is tie that onto the rope.

And then this way he can,

uh, throw me the rope back up,

and then I'd have --

then I'd have the --

yeah, I'd have the rope.

And then -- so I-I was wondering

about throwing this up,

but, you know, bill -- he's --

he's confident, you know?

With no reason to be, really.

And he'd give her another try.

Up she goes.

And this time, he's gonna

really -- there we go.

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Boy, that was lucky.

So, you know,

that's enough of that.

He asked me to throw him down

another rope,

which --

which, of course, I did.

Uh, but, here again, I-I hadn't

really tied it to a tree,

but I was gonna hold it

and kind of balance him out,

but, uh, one way or another,

we were gonna get -- gonna

get bill back up the cliff.

Once he started

with the bouncing and so on,

uh, it -- it started

to go a little better

and he started to really make

some progress.

And pretty soon,

he was right -- right up on top.

And -- and one thing

about bill --

if he doesn't get it right

the first time,

uh, he just, uh -- he just

doesn't have the brains to quit.

So, anyway, up he comes,

and he's got a little bit

of foliage there, but --

just something to start a

conversation at a party, really.

Another rope.

Now here we go.

Now we're going.

First, step one, eh, bill --

tie her to the tree.

We're not gonna make

that mistake twice.

Bill never makes

the same mistake twice.

Yeah, he's only been married

the one time.

Now he comes back,

and he's got the r--

he's even got it

wound around correctly

and, uh -- I take that off.

I didn't figure

he'd want to bring in

any television stations

on his way down.

Throw that over the side there,

bill, and, uh, he's all set.

He's all set.

Got her tied to the tree,

and, you know, of course,

now he's sensitive.

He's got a real --

real good tree there.

Look at this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, looks good.

Looks good.

And away -- but, you know, the

thing with trees is, you can --

you can never tell

by looking at a tree

just exactly how heal--

aaahh!

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, and there goes the --

oh, oh, oh, oh.

Boy, that w-- that was

unfortunate, wasn't it?

But, uh, he's okay,

and, uh, one thing about bill --

he lives to rappel one more day.

Red: Bazooka!

Enter!

Man, what is it with these

violent passwords, harold?

"decapitation,"

"bazooka."

before that,

it was "napalm," "gelignite."

well, I think, see,

it's all in noel's vocabulary.

It reflects his personality.

You can tell

a lot about a person

by their v-- by their

vocabulary, you know?

Oh, harold,

don't be such a --

you know, a guy

who knows stuff -- a smart guy.

Anyway, this golf-club situation

is coming to a head --

an aluminum head.

Noel's skulking around all day

with bob's putter

between his legs,

but he says he's gonna have

everything straightened out

by tonight's meeting.

What you should do

is tell the truth

and let the chips fall

where they may.

Yeah, but these chips

may be bits of noel.

[ screeching in distance ]

it's meeting time,

uncle red.

That's the call

of the wild possum.

Let's get down there,

'cause maybe, like, noel's gonna

be dragged off to jail

or maybe beaten up or something

like that, you know?

I don't

want that to happen,

but, you know, if it does,

I don't want to miss it.

Boy, you know, uh,

every once in a while

I get a glimpse that there

may be hope for that boy.

Excuse me a minute.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Red:

Sit down, everybody.

[ clears throat ]

the floor recognizes

bob stuyvesant.

Thank you, red.

Someone -- someone here...

Has taken my putter...

[ all murmuring ]

...And done, uh,

god knows what with it.

Something sick,

I'm sure.

Now,

I've asked for help,

and no one

has helped me.

No one except noel.

When I needed him,

he was there.

That's right.

Set up security checks

and passwords.

Well, unfortunately,

no one cares the way noel does.

So I've decided

to offer a $400 reward

for the name of the criminal

who swiped my lucky putter.

Noel! It's noel!

Shut up, stinky!

I said that first!

[ all shouting ]

order! Order! Order!

Settle down! Settle down!

Settle down! Hey!

Noel says he can explain it.

Sure.

Uh...No problem.

[ chuckles ]

I-I did it

for bob's own good,

I did, uh, because, well, uh,

here I have some scorecards

from golf games

you played last week,

and this was not

a lucky putter.

Uh, this --

this is a cursed putter.

And -- and -- and that autograph

was not fuzzy zoeller's.

It -- it was forged.

I-I checked it.

Uh, forged by satan.

Whoa! Wow!

Just like a metallica video.

So, bob,

you know, I was just,

uh, you know,

helping you out there.

You just take

your reward money

and buy yourself

a real lucky putter,

not like that other one.

You know,

[chuckles] on a lighter moment,

uh, I would just like to,

you know --

I went to smash that thing

against the wall,

and it was so inaccurate,

it missed and hit helmut

right in the head.

What?!

W-what did I come over here for,

douglas?

Douglas?

Oh, uh, helmut, you were

just gonna do your impression

of mamie eisenhower.

I was?

Y-yeah. Yeah.

And -- and you were gonna

dedicate it to your mom.

Oh, mom.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, so if there's no --

no further business, bill?

No, okay, then, I'm gonna now

turn it over to helmut

to supply

the evening's entertainment.

All right, helmut!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Uh, but first I would like

to dedicate this to my mom,

and I would like to do

my rendition of mamie eisenhower

welcoming dwight

back from the war.

"hi, dwight.

It's me -- mamie."

whoo-hoo!

I'm, uh, glad to see noel,

uh, standing up

and taking responsibilities

for his lies.

I certainly hope

it's not a precedent

for the rest of us, though.

Anyway, uh,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I'll be bringing

your anniversary gift,

uh, depending on, you know,

which stores are open.

I know the 25th is silver,

and the 50th is gold,

and this is our 29th,

which I believe is doughnuts.

So I'll be bringing, uh,

29 honey-glazed doughnuts

or thereabouts,

depending on traffic.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your putter in your bag

and, oh, yeah,

keep your stick on the ice.

"ooh, where did you get

those medals?

"they look very impressive.

What is that one for?

"oh, really?

You courageous man.

"and what's that one for?

Oh, you did, single-handedly?

Oh, very nice."