A Very Merry Red Green Christmas/Transcript

Opening Scene
''{It is winter in the area, all covered in snow. Red sits across two chairs on Possum Lake, all frozen in ice. He holds a frozen, uncooked turkey in his lap. The turkey has a long strip of duct tape covering the middle.}''

RED GREEN: If you're anything like me, after Christmas dinner last year, you ended up stretched out on the sofa with your pants undone, moaning, "Why didn't somebody stop me?" Well, here's a low-fat alternative to eating all that turkey at Christmas that's gonna take the strain off your waistband and also get you out in the fresh air. {sits up straight} Okay, the first thing you wanna do is grab the frozen turkey. Get it out of the freezer before it defrosts. {holds a door handle, also covered in duct tape} Then what you wanna do is take the door handle off of the fridge. Very important. This way, you won't be able to get into the fridge so you can't sneak down in the middle of the night to eat another handful of jellied salad. {holds up turkey, which has another door handle duct-taped to the top of it} Now all you gotta do is attach the door handle to the turkey the way I've done here. {holds up turkey by door handle} And you can curl that bird to a leaner, healthier you.

''{Red gets up and walks across the ice with the turkey. He then stops and stoops down. He then tosses the turkey across the ice. It rolls end over end along the ice and then slides toward a makeshift, painted curling target, where other frozen turkeys, all with door handles duct-taped to them all lie in various positions on the target. The new turkey bumps into another turkey and knocks it aside.}''

Plot Segment 1
(The lodge is decorated for Christmas. Red and Harold enter the lodge, wearing coats. Red waves to the camera while Harold hangs up his coat on a cross in the corner)

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. (Harold walks up close to Red) Thank you. Yeah, we sure appreciate that. In all the best of you and yours from me and mine and his and hers and whatever else it says on the towels, uh, this here is our Christmas special. And as you can see, Harold is– (notices that Harold is dressed in a fancy outfit with a yellow shirt, green vest and dark slacks) Holy... That's quite an outfit you got there. You should not stand still; people put presents under you.

HAROLD GREEN: I thought you might appreciate it. It's my Christmas outfit.

RED GREEN: Yeah? Well, it's better than your birthday suit. Anyway, it's great to have you up here for the whole Christmas break, Harold. Appreciate it, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, I'm just here for the Christmas show.

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, the company asked me to work over Christmas and I said yes.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, you gotta learn to say no! It's not that hard. Just pretend you're your own girlfriend. Which I'm sure you are.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, I was kinda hoping you might knock it off with the insults, you know, being Christmas and everything.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, I'm kidding ya! When I insult you like that, that's because I like ya.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay! That's cool! Okay, alright, yeah. All right, well, thank you very much then, you fat, old, burned-out doofus! (both smile and nod)

Handyman Corner 1
''{Red stands in the dining room of someone's house behind a table filled with a Christmas dinner. He holds a turkey leg in his hand.}''

RED GREEN: You know, a big part of Christmas has to be the eating. Something comes over people, and they just start chowing down like they were stocking up a bomb shelter. But there's also a downside: messing up your house with all those people, and messing up your kitchen cooking all that food. But you know something? {puts turkey leg down on table} There's a better way.

''{Red leaves the dining room. Wipe to a later scene. Red walks out of the house and up to a car parked outside.}''

RED GREEN: All right, the first step is you call up your relatives and tell them that after 43 Christmases of mooching off everyone else, it's finally their turn to have Christmas dinner. {walks up to car's hood and opens it} Oh, sure, they'll probably balk at first. But then you give them the clincher: you'll bring the food. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wait a minute, Red. That still messes up your kitchen." Or "Hey, Red, I don't get it." Or "Boy, I wish I had a pair of pants like those." {holds up hand} But the key to the whole deal is, we're gonna cook Christmas dinner as we drive over there.

''{Red leans in toward the car's engine. Wipe to a later scene. A montage begins, with Red putting various food pieces on the car while explaining, in voiceover narration, what to do. For the purpose of this transcript and to avoid confusion, the script is provided by way of an "Adventures" setup:}''

''{Wipe to a later scene. The montage ends. Red is seen inside the house's dining room with the dinner all nicely set up on the table.}''

RED GREEN: And it's just that easy. {gestures toward the turkey} You know, if we cooked this turkey on an old van instead of a car, we could've called it "cuckold van". {picks up the mashed potatoes, still in the hubcap} You know what they say, the proof of the pudding is written on the label. {takes a fork and pulls out some of the potatoes with it} Let's see how these mashed potatoes taste. {takes a bite of the potatoes and somehow crunches down on it hard} Boy, that rock salt really enhances the flavor. {sets mashed potatoes back down and looks around} By golly, I forgot my knife. How am I gonna carve the turkey? {suddenly snaps fingers and picks up turkey} I got a better idea.

''{Red runs off with the turkey. Wipe to a later scene. Red walks up to the car, its hood still open. He holds the turkey.}''

RED GREEN: We got a 200-horsepower slicer right here! Or as somebody would call it, a fan blade. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. If you want any dark meat, just grab it on the way by.

''{Red pushes the turkey against the fan blade. Chunks and shreds of turkey meat fly out across the car.}''

Segue: Winston Rothschild
{The camera fades in on Winston, who is sitting in the basement on a sleigh full of Christmas presents.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If your stockings aren't the only things that got stuffed this Christmas, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. When there's no room at the inn.

Christmas Is... 1
''{Red walks along through a snowy environment, dragging a sled along behind him. He wanders through the woods and down a street past a row of small buildings.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is the home fire, to get you through the darkest time of the year, January, when the visa bills come in. A fire to warm you through the cold of your father-in-law's questions concerning your employment status and overall solvency. So light a fire at Christmas to remind yourself that if you don't pay for the gas or electricity, this is basically what it comes down to. Light a fire in the stove and light a fire in the bedroom, if you can. And most of all, light a fire under your kid. You know, when the cavemen looked up at their night sky, they might have wanted their sun to come back after it left, but you don't want yours to.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
MIKE HAMAR: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game! {walks up towards the table excitedly} And today Mr. Edgar Montrose is playing for a {pulls out an eggplant from behind the word sign} giant eggplant from Bernie's Big and Tall Vegetables! This is just an eggplant seed. Uh, Mr. Green, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Montrose to say this word...

''{Mike picks up the word sign and turns it around. It displays on it the word "Christmas".}''

MIKE HAMAR: "Christmas"! "Christmas"! {puts the word sign down} And go!

RED GREEN: Alright, Edgar! This is most people's favorite holiday.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Firecracker day.

RED GREEN: No, no, people stay home from work and give each other things.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Flu season?

RED GREEN: It's an expression. You know, in French they say "Joyux" Noel. Uh, in English, they say Merry...

EDGAR MONTROSE: Queen of Scots.

RED GREEN: You know what? Edgar, you know this okay. This is– What do you call it when you get a treat in your stocking?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Leprosy.

MIKE HAMAR: Almost out of time, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Okay, Edgar, what do you call it when the fat jolly guy comes down your chimney?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, Dad lost his key again.

RED GREEN: Oh, come on, Edgar! You know, if you would concentrate, we could get this.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, if ifs and buts was candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.

RED GREEN: There you go! {rings the bell rapidly while Mike hands the eggplant "seed" to Edgar}

Segue: Winston Rothschild 2
{The camera fades in on Winston, still sitting on the same sleigh.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If Jack Frost isn't the only thing nipping at your nose, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. {in a German accent} We're going to pump you out!

Plot Segment 2
RED GREEN: Here's something special you can do for the holiday season...

{The camera pans out to reveal (from left to right) Dalton, Winston, Harold, Red, Mike, Edgar and Ed standing around an end table with a tape recorder and a telephone on it.}

RED GREEN: Record a Christmas message onto your answering machine. You might even put some Christmas music on there too.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Hey, hey, what is the Possum Lodge phone message?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I dunno, no one ever calls it. We're already here.

RED GREEN: Well, I'll play it.

{Red plays the cassette tape that is already in the tape recorder.}

HAROLD GREEN (on the tape): Ah, okay, thanks for calling Possum Lodge but nobody's around. It's probably because we're all celebrating the New Year, right? So we're downstairs dancing and stuff and no one can hear the phone. So leave a message. Happy New Year! Have a great 1988!

{The tape recorder makes a beeping sound and Red stops the cassette tape.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, why don't you tell the folks at home how they can play Christmas music in the background as they record their own message, tell them.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold. Actually we're going to go one step better than that. The guys here are gonna hum a Christmas tune, and I'm gonna put a message in, so, uh--okay, guys, and... {starts recording and the tape recorder beeps} go!

{Everyone except Red begins to hum various Christmas songs.}

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no, hold on. Okay. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {the men stop humming} Whoa! You can't sing different songs, all right. Pick one Christmas song and then go with it everybody.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, how about "Jingle Bells," Red? We all know that one.

{Everyone agrees with Edgar.}

RED GREEN: All right, "Jingle Bells." All right, and... {starts recording and the tape recorder beeps} go.

{Everyone except Red begins to hum "Jingle Bells".}

RED GREEN: Merry Christmas from everybody at Possum Lodge. Sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number after the "hey!"

EVERYONE (except Red): Hey!

{Red stops recording.}

Christmas Is... 2
{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is feeling good about going to church. That means looking up the address, just in case it moves since Easter three years ago. It's about showing up at eleven for the 9:30 AM service and wondering why the parking lot is empty and your wife is getting a ride home with the neighbors. It's about sitting in a quiet pew alone after everyone's gone, quietly counting your blessings. And it's about the janitor inviting you into the church hall for a free Christmas dinner with the rest of the homeless.

Mike Hamar on Christmas
{In another area of the lodge, Red is sitting at his desk, as Mike, wearing a Santa hat and holding a bell in his hand, sneaks into the room and picks up a fishbowl in the room}

RED GREEN: {not turning around} What are you doing with the goldfish bowl, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: {stopping suddenly} Oh! Uh, I didn't see you there, Mr. Green. Um... Well, I'm not doing anything. Okay, see ya! {turns to leave}

RED GREEN: Where are you going?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I thought I'd just go outside and stand in the snow for a while.

RED GREEN: With that hat on?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, sure. I mean, it's getting colder out there, you know.

RED GREEN: I see you got a bell there, too.

MIKE HAMAR: {noticing bell in his hand} Oh, yeah, this. Well, um, I thought I'd just, um, ring it once in a while, while I stood outside in the snow.

RED GREEN: That's it?

MIKE HAMAR: That's it.

RED GREEN: {reaching out to grab the fishbowl} Well, then, you don't need the goldfish bowl, do you?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I thought if people wanted to, they could, you know, like, drop, uh, gold...

RED GREEN: Goldfish into it?

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, actually... uh, actually, um, I was gonna, um, collect donations for charity.

RED GREEN: Oh, okay, that's great. Uh, which charity?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, no particular charity. {Red nods} Um... Um... More like, for all the needy in general.

RED GREEN: Boy, y'know, there's a lot of needy. You need to distribute that money all over the world; that's gonna take a lot of your time.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, that's absolutely right, Mr. Green. That's a good point. I mean, I don't have the resources for that, right?

RED GREEN: No.

MIKE HAMAR: I think what I'll do is, I'll collect money for, uh, the needy Possum Lodge members. Okay, thanks for the tip. {starts to leave}

RED GREEN: All right, and Mike, who do you think is the most needy Possum Lodge member?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I'd have to say the lodge member who hasn't paid his dues for the longest time would need the money the most, right?

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, that's you, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah! That's right! That is me, isn't it?

RED GREEN: You never paid your dues at all, I don't think.

MIKE HAMAR: Not in my recollection, no.

RED GREEN: No. I tell you what, Mike: I'm gonna give you a Christmas gift.

MIKE HAMAR: {excitedly} Really?!

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna waive all your dues. You got no debt at all at the lodge, all right? {Mike suddenly looks disappointed} How's that sound?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh...

RED GREEN: Yeah. {reaches out and takes away fishbowl} So you won't really need the fishbowl anymore, will you? {chuckles} But you know, going out there with the bell and the hat and spreading Christmas cheer, that's a great idea.

MIKE HAMAR: {depressed} Yeah, well, I guess I could still do that, I guess. Well, merry Christmas.

{Mike starts to leave, ringing the bell}

RED GREEN: Not in here, Mike, not in here. {Mike leaves, ringing the bell}

Segue: Winston Rothschild 3
{Winston is still sitting on the same sleigh as the last two commercials.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Happy New Year from Winston Rothschild, reminding you if old acquaintances can't be forgot, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. We're Y2K compliant!

Christmas Is... 3
{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is recalling your own childhood memories, all for the sole purpose of telling your kids how much worse off you were than them. How you thought yourself lucky just to have a moldy potato in your stocking so the family could mash it for dinner. And the time you and their mother had to sell shoes just to buy each other warm socks. But most of all, Christmas is about the power of imagination: leaving milk and cookies for Santa, hearing reindeer hooves on the roof, and creating these stories about your pathetic childhood just so you can explain to your kids why they didn't get everything they wanted this year.

Segue: Winston Rothschild 4
{The camera fades in on Winston, still sitting on the same sleigh.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: This is Winston Rothschild from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services reminding you, we'll take plenty of dough in before it starts snowing and Santa's ho ho hoing, 'cause we're sucking, not blowing.

Christmas Is... 4
{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is cutlery: special knives, odd spoons and more forks than the road to the lodge, plus all kinds of serving doodads that you haven't seen, let alone used, in almost a year. And of course, as the man, you are expected to surgically dissect the turkey with these tools, with a bunch of other tools heckling you. They hand you the fancy steel knife with the bone handle that's duller than a baseball bat, forcing you to ask your guests whether they want white pulp or dark pulp. But most of all, Christmas is finishing your meal with a half-dozen forks and spoons untouched while you lick the mashed potatoes off the palms of your hands.

Segue: Winston Rothschild 5
{Winston is still sitting on the same sleigh as the last four commercials.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If the ghosts of Christmas past won't leave the present, time to move into the future, with Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Discounts for vegetarians.