Jet Ski/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold: It's really hard

to think of something new to say

when you're introducing the same

person and the same show

about 800 times in a row.

But I guess that's what makes me

a professional,

as they say in the business.

So welcome the star

of "the red green show,"

and my uncle through some type

of relationship with my dad,

the man of the hour, even though

it's actually only 30 minutes,

including commercials and such,

ladies and gentlemen --

red green!

Thank you very much, and thank

you, and welcome to the show.

And, uh, why don't

I just start off

by introducing our

producer/director

and also my nephew

by some sort of a strange

relationship with my brother?

Come on over here,

harold.

Like I say, harold

is the producer and director.

And don't let

this fancy gizmo rig

hanging around harold's neck

fool you.

It's some sort of

a special-effects machine

that he uses to do kind of

bad things to the show, really.

That's true.

With this awesome piece

of personal hardware,

I can control

the speed of the show.

I can take us

to different segments

if it starts dragging

or something.

You know,

that can happen.

Just as long as I get

a little warning, right?

Oh, no problem, big guy.

[ laughs ]

uncle red. Sorry.

All right, so, anyway,

got talking

up at the lodge this week.

There's some new thing

on the market.

It's called a jet ski,

who I thought played

for los angeles,

but, uh, apparently this is

some other type of a jet ski

that, uh, goes on top

of the water,

which, uh, nobody has done

that I know of

in the last couple

thousand years.

So the bunch of us at lodge

decided to go down to the marina

and check it out.

What kind of a warning

was that?

You saw my hands

going for the controls.

Well?

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ listen to the words

of this very special song ♪

♪ da da da da da da da da da da

da da da da ♪

♪ listen very closely,

then you can sing along ♪

♪ da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da ♪

♪ pay close attention,

it's not as easy as it sounds ♪

♪ da da da da synchronization

da da da da incremental ♪

♪ da da da

thermonuclear quantum physics ♪

♪ da da da ♪

eight more times!

I don't think so.

All right.

This week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

how to use different tools,

uh, for different jobs.

And, uh, when I say that,

what I mean is

not necessarily a different tool

and a job.

I mean, a tool that's maybe used

in a different job,

but maybe not a different tool

with the job,

but it's maybe

a little different job

involved with the tool.

[ clears throat ]

and I hope that clears that up.

So let's say, for example,

you have, uh, a bunch of nails

that you want to hammer in,

but, uh, for some reason

or other,

your hammer is out

in the middle of a lake,

uh, through the result of some

sort of a domestic squabble.

So instead of a hammer, what you

use is a substitute hammer,

something like, say,

a pipe wrench.

Works good.

Or maybe you can't use

a pipe wrench

because it's in your car

holding the radiator on.

You might take a look at using,

uh, an ax or a hatchet,

something that has

a flat bottom.

But the thing here is I really

would be careful on the upswing.

Uh, I'm not sure

the kind of person

who wants the creases in your

forehead to run up and down.

Uh, another substitute hammer

is a flashlight.

Not everybody thinks of this,

but if you get one of these,

which holds three

or four batteries,

it's got some weight to it,

and the beauty, of course, of

this is you can do it at night

with the power off, and how many

things can you say that about?

So what you do is you shine

the flashlight on the nail,

and then...

Uh, you might want

to go a little easy for a while

with that one.

One of my favorite substitute

hammers is, of course, a level,

uh, because what you can do

is you can level up the wood,

make sure it's right

where you want it,

and then put it into place

with the same tool.

Uh, you can take the same

approach with screwing.

You don't have a screwdriver,

um, I can get you a screwdriver

for 10 cents.

It's a dime.

Fits into the slot, and, uh...

If you're not real fond

of the skin on your fingers,

this can be a dandy little tool.

If that's not good enough

for you, um, how about a chisel?

It's got the nice,

fine edge on it there.

Well, uh, what I do usually is,

uh, just take the hammer

and I just say to myself,

"these aren't really screws.

They're just, uh,

nails with threads."

and, uh, there you go.

That's how that works.

We'll be right back,

and I'll get on with the rest

of the jet-ski story.

I'll give you all

a warning.

"it is summer.

"we have had no rain.

"there is no water, no fruit,

no vegetables,

"not a drop for our crops

or our livestock.

If it wasn't for the brewery,

this could be serious."

so, anyway, uh, the bunch of us

went down to the marina

and checked out

this jet-ski thing.

Well, it, uh, zooms along

on top of the water.

You know,

it kind of looks like somebody

made it a pontoon

and a motorcycle,

which, uh, would have been

a heck of a racket

if you were in the next room

at the motel, I'll tell you.

Anyway, moose thompson

takes a look at it,

and he says he can build

something like that

out of a snowmobile.

Well, that sounded like

a real dumb idea to us,

but, then again, our --

our snowmobile's worthless,

so we said fine

and sold it to him.

Uncle red?

Warning time.

3, 2, 1.

I was just getting to

the interesting part, harold.

Yeah, I know.

We're in it now.

Morning, glen.

Hi, red.

Just on my way to disney world.

Want to come with me?

You're going

to disney world?

Who's gonna run

the marina?

It's the middle

of the high tourist season here.

Well, uh...You're here.

You can do it.

Yeah, the keys

are in the cash register.

I got a lodge to run,

glen.

I can't --

I can't run your -- your marina.

You can't fly off

to disney world.

This is crazy.

Well, red,

I got to ramble.

I'm a rambling guy.

I'll see you in five weeks.

Well, what about my engine,

glen?

You told me you'd have my engine

fixed three weeks ago.

Where is it?

Well,

it's right there, red.

Oh, my god.

What'd you do to her?

Well, I had to replace...

The coupling and the shaft,

the prop.

Yeah, she's fine now,

though.

She'll run like a fine

swiss outboard.

I don't believe it.

You actually fixed something?

You actually repaired something

that you sold somebody?

It's a big day here.

Did I pack

that cream soda?

Glen? Glen?

Glen, what is this?

Well, red, I couldn't match

the paint exactly.

I mean, it's a --

they stopped making these

just after the war,

the first war, I think.

No, no, it's not the color,

glen.

I-it's the size.

That -- that lower unit,

that come off a battleship

or something.

There's no way this motor's

gonna drive that prop.

Well, that's where you're wrong,

red.

I-I tested it

myself already.

That's really good

for slow-speed trolling.

I'll see you when I get back,

red.

No, glen, wait.

No, glen!

Glen! Glen!

Glen,

this -- this is no good, glen!

The trans is gonna rip right off

my boat.

Glen.

Glen.

Glen.

Glen.

[ engine turns over ]

[ horn honks ]

red, you almost dented

my bumpers!

What are you, the kind of man

who'll dent a man's bumpers?!

But the motor's

just no good, glen.

This is not gonna work.

Red, it's fine.

I tested it, okay?

But it's not the same engine.

This is not correct.

I know that!

They stopped

making that engine

when they discovered steel,

red!

Look,

I'm a great mechanic.

When a great mechanic

takes something into a shop,

he pulls something out,

all right?

Have I ever done anything less

than perfect for you before?

Well, who knows, glen?

Every time I come here,

you make me fix my own stuff.

Look...

This is where I'm staying

at disney world, all right?

The polynesian

tropical jungle-theme inn.

Put your room number

on there.

All right, I'll be parked

at the happy tahitian wing.

You got any troubles,

call me, okay?

Only if you got trouble.

That's a parking-spot number.

I'll have you paged

at fantasyland!

[ groans ]

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ there once was

a magic workhorse ♪

♪ an enchanted clydesdale

named garth ♪

♪ he frolicked

in the autumn mist ♪

♪ in a land

called shimkil ♪

♪ he had three wishes ♪

♪ and he left them

on the road ♪

♪ I stepped in one,

and believe me ♪

♪ it's not always good

when your wishes come true ♪

thank you very much.

I could talk about some other,

uh, substitute tools now.

Let's say, uh, you've got

a piece of wood like this.

You want to do some sort of

a fancy daedal cut in it,

but, uh, your chisel

is all bunged up

because somebody used it

as a screwdriver.

Well, what you do is

tit for tat, as we say.

Put the screwdriver and use

your screwdriver as a chisel.

Then just take it out

and go...

All right, well,

we'll get back to that later.

All right, for example, uh...

Your level is not working

too well anymore

because someone used it, say,

as a hammer, say.

Uh, what we can use

is a pencil crayon.

Uh, you put it on the --

on the table.

If it stops rolling,

that's level.

Another, uh, substitute tool,

let's say you want to cut

a piece of wood,

and your saw is, uh,

who knows where,

stuck in someone's tire,

perhaps.

Uh, take an x-acto knife, uh,

score the wood on both sides.

Here again,

I should caution you --

never hold wood

between your knees

while you're cutting it

with an x-acto knife.

Unless your favorite song is

"the first cut is the deepest."

okay, you got her scored

on both sides.

Proper her up against -- against

the side of your workbench

or -- or your wife's car,

and, uh, get what I call

the substitute saw,

uh, the sledgehammer.

All right, now [clears throat]

it does give a bit of a --

a bit of a rough finish.

But I think a little sandpaper

on that [clears throat]

and it'll come out nice.

And if you don't have sandpaper,

of course, you can --

you can use a brick.

A brick also will substitute

as a hammer.

And if you have 50 bricks,

you can make a vise.

Just remember that, uh, a

handyman never blames his tools.

He just grabs something else.

So, until next time,

keep this in mind --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Oh, excellent timing,

uncle red.

It's time for "male call."

time to answer

some letters.

Time to tie on the old feedback,

if you will.

[ laughs ]

you want to read

the first letter,

or do you want me

to read it?

That way, we can just keep

things clicking along.

Yeah, that'll be fine,

harold,

but don't get

all excited there.

I'm not nearly as excited

as you think.

All right.

"dear mr. Green,

"I've been watching your show

for a whole episode now,

"and I really think it's

the greatest thing to hit tv

"since 'wrestlemania.'

"I like wrestling.

I used to like hockey.

"but now I think

it's too violent.

"now I like wrestling,

but my wife says it's just fake.

What do you say?

Is wrestling faked or what?"

[ chuckles ]

excellent question.

Well, harold, you know

we've had this complaint before

about the wrestling

being fake,

and, uh, let me just straighten

this out.

Wrestling is a sport.

It goes way back.

It's real old.

It goes all the way back

to the greeks.

And they're really old,

you know?

In fact, the first olympics

was nothing but wrestling.

Of course, now, in those days,

they were naked.

Really?

Oh, yeah. Buck-naked.

[ laughs ]

you can't fake that.

No, and it made

for some excellent holds.

But they have excellent holds

now today,

and let me just assure

this viewer

that he

is absolutely right.

Uh, wrestling could not possibly

be fake.

Well, in my opinion, wrestling

is, like, hugely faked.

Well, the viewer didn't write

a letter to you,

now, did he, harold?

Good point.

And he never will,

believe me.

Well, his wife might.

[ chuckles ]

I have another letter here,

uncle red.

Um, it says,

"I really like your truck.

Where'd you get it?"

signed,

"wondering in wawa."

wawa --

that's a great little town.

They have enormous goose

up there, harold.

If you ever want

enormous goose,

uh, you know,

you got to wawa.

Yeah, uncle red,

they asked about your truck.

Oh, yeah,

well, the truck.

Now,

that's an interesting story.

You know, I didn't actually buy

that truck.

Uh, I traded a guy

for a 12-pound pickerel.

And I thought I got

a good deal,

but, uh, then when I pulled

into the garage,

the darn brakes failed.

You have brakes

in your garage?

No, the brakes on the truck,

harold.

Well, you misplaced

your modifier.

Well, I always sit like this.

It's comfortable.

Well, if we're ready to go

to the next segment,

well, let her roll.

You made

a grammatical error.

That wasn't me, harold.

It was the chair.

[ film projector clicking ]

yooooow!

Red: Bill was in the area, so he

decided to swing by the lodge.

Uh, he had a little something

special in his pants today.

Uh, it was something,

I believe, from south america.

They're, uh --

they're called, uh --

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

All right. He's all right.

They're called, uh, bolos,

and it's like a stone, some type

of a rock they tie on a string.

And then they use this actually

as a weapon.

They swing it around there.

Look out, bill. Look out.

Swing it around.

I like it.

It's kind of --

you know, it's almost like

a boomerang-type thing.

I got it to go pretty good.

Look at bill.

Oh, bill.

Aah!

Oh.

Well, uh, it takes

a little getting used to.

Bill was -- I guess, was showing

me some of the things

that can go wrong with them.

Now he got it a little clear

and he went this way with it.

And a little different approach,

you know, the vertical rather

than the horizontal throw.

And we suddenly realized that

the stones had come right off.

Couldn't figure where they --

and then I heard -- and then --

bill, look out, we got to --

bill, we -- we got to go.

We got to -- we --

bill, bill, got to go.

Got to go. Oh.

We got lucky there.

Now, bill decided to set up

a little target with some glass.

Ugh!

And then he decided

to set it up again.

And, uh, I was gonna take --

take the first shot

and see if I could swing out

and -- and hit the --

hit the jars or whatever.

And I tried a little

different approach.

I tried the bounce technique.

And it worked real good,

I thought.

And now bill's turn.

I think bill had a little bit

of, you know, control -- oh.

Thank you, bill.

And I'll try her again,

and, no, it's close.

It's close.

I should have skipped it again.

Bill's --

I think he has trouble knowing,

you know, what direction -- oh.

That was our backhoe.

Oh, oh, oh.

Boy.

Oh, the cameraman was okay.

So, bill tried this,

and he -- he got some sort of

a strange thing going on.

He started to rise up almost

like a helicopter, I guess,

with the things spinning around.

I couldn't believe -- hardly

believe this is happening.

But I was there,

and it must have been happening.

I was there.

And he's going way,

way up there.

Gee, I couldn't believe it,

you know.

Hey, he was --

he was enjoying it, though.

He was enjoying it,

having a good time.

So, you know, I-I probably

shouldn't have waved at him,

because he thought

he'd wave back, and then...

Uh-oh.

That wasn't so smart.

Aah!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, and then I could hear

the bolos coming down.

Uh, bill.

Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill.

Oh.

Oh, boy.

But, uh, I really did enjoy

working with the bolos,

and I -- I took them with me.

I might play with them

another day.

"it is winter.

"the fun of throwing snowballs

at old people.

"the joy of writing your name

in a snowbank in yellow.

"more dangerous from the ice,

yet safer

"'cause you can see

everyone's breath

and avoid walking into it."

uncle red?

Yeah?

What was it like

when you were my age?

Mentally or physically?

I don't get that.

Okay, so physically.

Well, uh,

it was different.

You know, I mean,

when I was a teenager,

my after-school job

was pinboy.

Wow! Really?

That sounds great.

Pinboy!

What was that,

like a superhero or something?

No, harold, I was a pinboy

in a bowling alley.

Oh.

Yeah, I had to work six hours

just to earn enough money

to buy myself a soda

and a bag of chips.

What flavor?

Uh,

usually an orange soda.

No, no.

No, uncle red,

what -- what flavor chips?

Oh, we didn't have

flavored chips.

Just -- just plain chips.

What?!

You didn't have

flavored chips?

[ chuckles ]

your life must have been sad.

You didn't have, like --

you didn't have ketchup

or sour cream and onion,

dill pickle, salt and vinegar,

rancho cool?!

[ laughs ]

life without flavored chips.

You didn't have

any flavors?

Is rancid a flavor?

You must have been living

in the stone age.

Well, how come?

What is it, like,

they just didn't have,

like, the technology

or something?

Or was it shortages

after the war?

I mean, how come?

Maybe -- maybe somebody

just didn't think of it?

They had to wait for someone

to walk along and have a dream?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, harold.

But now a 5-cent bag of chips

costs you a buck-69.

Yes, that is true,

but your breath smells like

you had an entire meal.

Don't go away.

I think you'll enjoy

the end of the jet-ski story.

Well, at least it'll all be over

and done with,

and that part is enjoyable,

so I agree.

♪ he was built like a pear,

kind of stocky and short ♪

♪ his real name was leonard,

but we just called him wart ♪

♪ nobody liked him,

and he was extremely obnoxious ♪

♪ but he was kind of fun

to slap ♪

♪ and he always lost big

at poker, so we let him stay ♪

"it is autumn.

"yesterday, the sky overhead

was alive with geese.

"today, the ducks circle

overhead in growing flocks.

"tomorrow, the sky will be dark

with blackbirds,

"the next day,

robins or perhaps crows.

I think I need to find a

different place to park my car."

red:

Boy, that water is cold.

Wouldn't want to go

skinny-dipping here.

That'll shrink your levis.

Hap: Yeah,

you'd get used to it.

When I worked up

in the yukon,

we'd go spearfishing

under the ice.

Oh, you mean ice fishing,

where you cut a hole

and fish through it?

No, that's kids stuff.

No, we'd cut a hole

and dive through.

Sometimes your heart would stop

for a few minutes.

But it was a lot of fun.

Are you telling me that you swam

around in ice-cold water,

chasing fish

with a spear gun?

You know, I had

this ceremonial headdress

covered in worms

to attract the fish.

And the fish

would come around,

and you would spear them and

slip them into your underwear.

When your skivvies

were filled with cod,

you would come up for air.

I once had a whole pantload

of fish itching to get out.

Came up for air,

my hole had frozen over.

I'm not surprised.

What did you do?

The only thing I could do.

Hooked those fish

onto my belt loops,

and they towed me

into open water.

Are you saying you had belt

loops on your underwear, hap?

[ chuckles ]

if you were ever up

in the arctic, you, uh --

you'd know better than to ask

a question like that, red.

That wasn't a bad question.

I was just curious.

That's all.

No.

Story's over.

When you start to nitpick

on the details,

takes the fun

out of the telling.

Well, so, anyway, moose thompson

made his own little

homemade jet ski

out of our, uh, snowmobile

and about nine life jackets

and had the thing sitting down

on the dock,

just revving there, you know.

And he was ready for a long run,

so he had about nine unwrapped

ketchup sandwiches

kind of jammed and rammed them

into the glove compartment.

And he had his hip waders

full of extra gas,

which is nothing new, you know?

So anyway, moose gets on there,

and he hits the throttle,

and off she goes, and by god, he

slams so hard down on the lake

that the sandwiches all fly out

of the glove compartment

and the seat jams

so far up the hip waders

that he can't get off, right?

Well, golly,

he starts circling around

'cause he soon realizes that

the only way he can stay afloat

is -- is to keep her

wide open, you know,

and meanwhile, the fish

are eating his lunch

and turning belly-up.

Well, golly, every time

he goes by the dock,

he yells something

at us, but we're, of

course, laughing so hard,

we can't hear him, you know.

'round and 'round he goes, and,

of course, from shore, you know,

he's kicking up about,

oh, I'd say a 12-foot wake.

All we're seeing

is like a huge swell

with moose's head on the top,

which is actually a pretty good

description of moose

even on dry land.

But, you know, he said to us

that he was gonna make it

all the way across the lake,

and we got to give him credit.

He was half right.

Anyway, uh [clears throat]

if my wife is watching,

I'm gonna be coming

straight home after the show,

and, uh, maybe I'll, uh, bring

a bottle of wine.

We can fry up some bacon

or something.

Well, thank you all

for watching.

Hope you enjoyed the show.

And until next time, on behalf

of myself and, uh, harold there

and, uh, the rest of the gang

up at the lodge here,

keep your stick on the ice.

"it is spring and time for me

to face the reality

"that I am as old

as the lodge roof.

"we have a lot in common,

that roof and I.

"we both leak,

we both have shingles,

and we both end in the gutter."