Red Green Insurance/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, as you get older

you're faced with

two choices...

Either take down your

full-length mirror,

or buy a fitness machine.

See, the beauty

of a treadmill is

when you get

tired of walking,

you don't have to worry about

making it back home.

You just stop walking.

And start snacking.

But after a

week or so now,

your wife and you have

given up on lookin' good

and you're stuck

with the unit.

Can't even give it away,

because everyone you know

already has one they're

trying to unload.

That's why they advertise it

as "stores under the bed,"

because that's all you

ever do with it...

Unless, of course, you can

turn it into something useful.

First thing you have to

do is remove the handle.

Okay, next you

wanna cover the belt

with the handyman's secret

weapon, duct tape,

but you put it on

sticky side out,

so it's more like the

handyman's secret flypaper.

Oh, and get yourself one of

these sand-filled ashtrays.

They're kinda

hard to come by

with all the anti-smoking

legislation.

But you can usually find a

couple of them

in the hospital

waiting room.

Or maybe if you

live near the beach

you can get some

sand from there.

It'll probably have more

cigarette butts in it.

And there

you have it...

Your very own

industrial-sized belt sander.

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

Bit of a situation this

week up at the lodge.

The flagpole fell down.

Well, okay,

it was knocked down.

Well, okay,

I knocked it down.

But she went down easy.

I mean, I couldn't have

been doin' over 50.

Anyway, the pole flies across

the lake like a javelin,

and it hits

old man sedgwick's car,

which, ironically,

is also a javelin,

and the flag wraps

around him like a diaper.

Or, I should say,

like another diaper.

So what I've done is

I've made a claim

on the insurance company

for a new flagpole.

It was like 37 bucks!

Which would use up

the whole lodge kitty,

plus we'd have to

borrow another 30.

Uncle red!

Yeah?

I just got the response

from the insurance

company.

Doesn't look like

a cheque, harold.

No.

They're not going

to pay the $37,

because it doesn't

exceed our deductible.

Well, what is

our deductible?

$10,000.

$10,000

deductible!?

Well, what's

the lodge worth?

Well, the land's worth

about $100,000,

you know --

wow!

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Then we've got the lodge

and all the out buildings,

and of course plus all the

work that you've put

in around here.

And that brings it down

to about $9500.

Well, why would

we have $10,000 deductible,

on something that's

only worth $9,500?

Well, it's the only

way we could get

insurance.

Well, we're not gonna

do that anymore,

harold.

Oh, no, no, no!

Don't tell me we're

getting out of the

insurance business.

No, I'm gonna get into

the insurance business.

I'm gonna start my

own insurance company.

Yes, I'll insure

the lodge.

What the heck, eh,

$10,000 deductible,

I'll be making

a fortune.

And I'll tell

you what else...

I'll charge 10% less

than the insurance

company does now,

so everybody's

a winner.

Wow!

I'm a winner!

No, no, no.

No, you're

the deductible.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize

is this coupon

for a hot air

balloon ride

over the port asbestos

archery range.

"duration of

ride varies with...

"competence of archers."

all right, blair,

cover our ears there.

Red, you've

got 30 seconds

to get local snowmobile

aficionado, blair cobden,

to say this word...

All right,

winston.

And... Go!

Uh, okay, blair, remember

you did that stunt

where you took your

snowmobile over the

edge of rock reef point,

caught the upside

of the boathouse

and landed

on the toolshed,

and everybody who saw it

wanted to know, who's...

Next.

No, no, no, no.

But you didn't try

to blame anybody else.

You said you

were completely...

Loaded.

No, okay, no, but

the machine was wrecked,

the boathouse

was on fire,

but you went right up to that

cop and you said, "I am..."

canadian.

[ laughter ]

okay, okay, but...

But you were accountable,

you did it.

You were...

The man.

All right,

let's go another way.

Let's say your girlfriend

announces that she's pregnant.

But you do

the right thing.

You go right to her dad

and you tell him

that you are...

Gay.

[ laughter ]

almost outta time,

here, red.

Yeah.

Okay, blair, when you

train new snowmobilers,

you teach 'em

to be smart and...

Plan your escape route.

That way when

you smash stuff,

no one knows

who's responsible.

There we go!

Before we tried it,

our lives

were a mess.

The idea of even

having company over

sent me into a panic.

I was so anxious

I had to use the

bathroom all the time.

But I couldn't.

It was hurting

our marriage.

It was hurting us!

Both: Thank you,

winston rothschild.

Now we entertain,

barbecues.

Even chili!

It's been

pointed out to me

that for one

reason or another,

a lot of the viewers

are not exactly like me.

Seems they don't have the

wherewithal or the desire

to do projects like making a

reclining chair out

of a stove.

Does that make

them useless drones

who have no

reason to live?

Well, according to our

public relations people,

it's not for me to say.

So this time on

handyman corner,

we're not gonna build

something from scratch,

'cause apparently some of you

aren't that itchy.

Instead, we're gonna

show you how to assemble

a beautiful coffee table.

It's from one of

those stores

where they make you

do most of the work

and then charge you

for the privilege.

I think it's

from the same guy

that invented

self-serve gas.

But it's a simple job,

because all the

pieces and hardware

come in the one box.

Maybe two or three boxes would

have been a better move.

Okay, now don't

get upset

if the furniture gets a few

nicks and scratches

during the

unpacking process.

Distressed furniture

is very popular.

Like I said, though,

this is a simple project,

because all the

pieces come pre-cut

and pre-drilled.

You even get all

the necessary hardware.

Heck, it comes with

detailed instructions.

I believe this will be a

swedish-style coffee table

because it was

a swedish store.

I don't know why

all the swedish stores

sell their stuff

in kit form,

rather than

make it for you.

Maybe with the free love,

the swedish furniture

makers all go home early?

Okay, we're ready

to start assembling it.

Just check the pre-drilled

holes in the pre-fab pieces

until you get

a few to match up.

There, that's better.

Okay, now, just make

sure that the screw

isn't longer than

the hole it's going into.

Otherwise, the point will

come out the other side,

and that can

be a real pain,

especially if you're

building a loveseat.

Once you get the first

two pieces together,

just keep adding on

until you run out of parts.

If you run out

of hardware,

that's never a problem.

Well, I got nothing

to worry about.

I got hardware left over.

You know,

that happens to me

every time I put

furniture together.

But I got the coffee table

put together no problem.

Kind of an

odd looking unit.

It's that modern style

of furniture

that swedish

people go for.

Not really my taste,

but then,

I don't drive a volvo.

And it's just that easy.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you put together.

Oh!

And if you ever

need spare parts

or have any problems.

They usually put the company

phone number and address

on the bottom of

the instruction sheet.

Huh!

Says here this is

a bunk bed.

[ applause ]

the other day I went

to the mall with bernice.

Let's just say

I lost a bet

and leave it at that.

Anyway, we're walkin'

by this store

and I see a pair

of jeans for sale

that were already

faded and dirty

and runnin' ragged

at the cuff.

And this wasn't a

used clothing store,

you understand.

These were 100 bucks

worth of brand new.

I couldn't

figure this out.

I mean, imagine

buying a new car

with rust and dents

and bullet holes in it --

that'd be kinda cool...

Anyway.

So I stopped the

first teenager I saw,

and I asked her

to explain it.

Well, I learned

two things...

Number 1: Kids in malls

talk like merchant marines;

number 2: These same kids

will pay more for stuff

that has that

"lived-in" look,

because lookin'

"lived in" is cool.

Well, that made me

feel real good.

I realised, hey,

I'm not out, I'm in.

Here's all of us

middle aged guys

checking out these teenagers

with their smooth skin

and full heads

of purple hair

and feeling jealous,

when they should

be jealous of us.

We're the ones with

that lived-in look.

And we don't even need to

wearin' clothes to

pull it off!

Heck, most of us are

so lived in we're worn out.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

call rothschild's when

you have the right stuff...

In the wrong place.

[ applause ]

well, it's all done.

I'm officially the

insurer of the lodge.

"red green insurance...

"you're in

calloused hands with rgi."

uncle red!

Yeah?

Are you sure you've

thought this through?

No time for that

at my age, harold.

You know,

the $10,000 deductible

will only save you from

paying property damage.

You know, there's personal

injury and accidental death

that you're gonna

have to worry about.

Oh, no, harold,

when a guy makes a

decision to join

the lodge,

he's already an

accident.

If somebody dies,

they're not gonna come

lookin' for a cheque.

No, no, they won't,

but their lawyers will.

That's why insurance

is so expensive.

Well, I don't have

to worry about that.

Oh, no?

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, uncle red,

lawyers are smarter

than you.

Yeah, okay, well,

when you're not smart

enough to be a lawyer,

you become a judge.

And my judgment was

to get all the guys

to sign this waiver

that guarantees they

will never take

legal action

against me

or the lodge.

I need you to

sign this too.

You mind if

I read it first?

It never ends with you,

does it, harold?

Mr. Green, uh, I have

an insurance claim.

Oh, yeah?

The outhouse door slammed

against my knee.

Well, that's

what you get for

sittin' down.

Look, this is a

serious accident here.

I can't even

do this, look.

What's that worth?

A little smile.

Here it comes.

[ applause ]

red: It was a

beautiful sunny day,

so harold and walter

had decided to

take a little trip

to the beach,

get that tan

thing goin' there.

No problem with the u.V.,

but harold was socking

the old cream on there

pretty good.

And then, uh, walter

hit a bump or something,

and, uh --

that was unfortunate.

It was actually -- I believe

that was a beach umbrella,

which they had forgotten

to put in the trunk.

And, uh, walter was upset,

a little bit angry.

Harold,

he's never angry,

but sometimes

he pretends to be.

Then he pays the price.

So walter opens

the trunk,

and there's a lot

of stuff in there.

So he starts chucking --

easy.

Look out, harold.

Look out. Look out.

Look out, harold.

Harold... Incoming!

There you go.

But what he doesn't

find is a jack,

so -- well, he's got a pretty

heavy duty suitcase here.

Maybe the suitcase could

actually support

the weight of the car.

So he asked harold if

he would lift up the car,

and walter will slide

the trunk underneath.

So harold is

pretty strong --

uh, stronger than

his pants, for example.

So now walter decides

to change jobs.

Oh, there's

the problem there.

Heh-heh, girly arms.

So walter's gonna

pick up the car,

and harold will slide the

suitcase under --

no, harold --

okay, no, okay.

Harold, harold,

he's holding the car up.

It doesn't matter

about the clo --

you don't need

to fold them, harold!

Just get --

harold, get the suit --

harold, the suitcase!

Get the suitcase!

Okay, they've got

the suitcase in there,

and oh, it's on his foot.

Oh, it's okay.

Of course, harold

wants to apologize.

Just get the suitcase

under the car!

Okay, but not there.

Not there.

All right, okay.

Up on its end.

There we go.

Lookin' good.

Lookin' good, yep.

Now just set the

car down on the suitcase,

should be good,

should be good.

Down she goes,

down, down, down.

And good.

Now, of course,

the problem is,

what are we gonna

use for a spare?

Harold has a suggestion...

Hmm.

I don't think so.

Okay, what can

they use as a spare?

Gotta improvise.

And he remembers there was a

fire hose there on the wall

and maybe if he took

the whole reel and

everything off,

that would probably

fit right on there.

Uh, harold's not used to

stealin' stuff.

So they got it on there

and now all you gotta do is

fill the hose with water

that'll actually

create the tire,

but you wanna turn that

nozzle off there, harold.

Okay, there's a lot

of pressure there.

Easy now,

easy, easy, easy.

Heh-heh, great

to be young, isn't it?

So he gets that on there,

full of water,

gets her all secured.

And walter says, okay,

just push her off the jack,

and away we'll go.

So harold's all set.

And then give her a push.

Oh!

Okay, yeah.

Away you go, harold

away you go.

Catch up to him.

You can catch him.

Away you go.

Away you go.

Enjoy your day.

[ applause ]

you know, one mark of

a real creative person

is the ability to take an

unfortunate mistake

and turn it into an

incredible opportunity.

Your wife knows

what I'm talkin' about.

So today I'm gonna

show you how a handyman

can turn a minor mishap

into something

the whole family

can enjoy.

Now, I know what

you're asking.

What mistake could

you possibly have made?

Drivin' without

your glasses, right?

Nope, I don't even

wear glasses.

The problem was

building the garage

ten feet too far forward.

Okay, first step in

creating an opportunity...

Start up the car.

Now you just drain the rad

into the water gun here,

and then just

wait a few minutes

for the engine

to overheat.

I don't see a mistake;

I see your

very own home sauna.

It would be even better

if it was a swedish car.

Then we'd have a

real saab [sob] story.

[ engine revving ]

[ applause ]

yes, I did!

I did!

I told you something

like this would happen.

But oh, no!

You know everything

about insurance.

You're like

mutual of brouhaha.

Just find me the

lodge charter, okay.

I got this covered.

Ha!

You have nothing covered,

from the lodge

to your own butt.

Well, you can't

buy butt insurance.

Tell them.

Go ahead, tell them.

Okay, apparently

an insurance claim

has been launched

against the lodge.

And you personally.

And me personally.

For $11,000.

We had some kind of

barbecuing mishap apparently.

Yeah, the lodge propane

safety sticker,

it expired in 1973.

I thought you

wanted me to tell this.

Well, it's too big a

story for just one

narrator.

So mr. Insurance

underwriter

is about to become

mr. Under arrest.

You're gonna

need a lawyer.

No, I don't!

I don't need any more

legal mumbo jumbo, dumbo.

All I gotta do is find

out who's behind this

and then I can

deal with them.

Oh, okay.

Dalton: Hey, red!

How's the insurance claim

coming, huh?

You know what, I bet that guy

would settle out of court

for $10,000.

Uh-huh.

How would you

know that?

My lawyer --

um, um, um --

a lawyer.

I talked to somebody.

You know, I watch

"law and order."

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time!

We'll settle this

in a minute, dalton.

I'll be right down.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I have an insurance claim

against me,

so I'm liable

to do anything,

but I'll certainly

check your policy first.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down, take your seat.

Meeting's coming to order.

Everybody sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

Okay, men, I was looking up

in the lodge charter

on this insurance

claim business,

and apparently whenever the

lodge has a financial problem

like this $11,000,

each member is personally

responsible to pay it.

But the way it works is it's

pro-rated to your net worth.

And the guy with the

most net worth around here

is dalton.

So dalton, you're actually

responsible for 95%

of the 11 grand.

And then there's

an additional $1500

for my company to

do all the paperwork,

so I'm thinking it might

be in your best interest

to find out who's

behind this

and make this go away.

I'll talk to ann marie.

Uh --

I mean, I'll talk to

whoever it is.

Great. Great.

Thank you.

Where does it

say that?

Never mind.

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