The Possum Ponderosa/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, a lot of guys

my age drink way too

much coffee.

It's not hard

to figure out.

If you haven't had a good

night's sleep since 1991,

or if you hear something

humming and then you

realize it's you,

or if you can't afford

to be anywhere where they

don't have bathrooms or trees,

maybe it's time to cut down

on your coffee intake.

Now, my wife suggests that

I should drink tea instead.

Yeah, right.

Maybe I should take up dancing

lessons and learn how to knit.

No, no, the answer is

just to give up coffee,

but that could

be tough to do.

Anybody who's

tried to cut down

or lives with

someone who's tried,

knows that

a morning without coffee

is kind of like

a hockey game without a fight.

What you need is

some intermediate step

to take you from

too much coffee

over to no coffee at all.

So grab a strip off the old

handyman's secret rehab.

You want to lay that

down on your workbench,

or your dining room table

or what have you,

sticky side up.

Then you want to take some

of your favourite blend,

sprinkle that right on there.

Okay.

Now what you've done,

you've made a

caffeine patch, okay.

Stick that on your arm,

and now the caffeine will

be released from the

instant coffee

directly into your --

into your --

into your bloodstream.

And you're -- and you're well

on your way to being off

the stuff completely.

[ cheering and applause ]

[ whistles and cheering ]

all right, then.

My golly.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

You know harold and I

have been on kind of a

research project all week.

He wants us to find

something interesting in

the history of the lodge

that we can use to

attract tourists.

You know, I kind of hoped

that by this point,

we'd have built up a clientele

of regular customers,

but so far the only

repeat business we've had

is one guy who came back

with a search warrant

'cause he dropped his

ray bans down the two-holer.

Uncle red!

Oh! Uncle red!

Uncle red!

Look what I found!

Look what I found!

Look what I found!

Look what I found!

False teeth.

They're made out of wood.

I think they belong to

george washington.

These could be over,

like, 200 years old.

No, harold, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

Yeah.

Those are old

man sedgewick's teeth.

Ahh! Ahh! Ohh!

He has

wooden teeth?

Yeah, you know,

he says they're quieter.

He likes to eat corn chips

in the library.

What does he --

why does he leave

them at the lodge?

Well, you know,

it was mexican night

and the food

was so spicy,

he was afraid

they would burst

into flame on him.

'course nobody wants him

shooting his mouth off.

But don't

worry, harold.

There's your

tourist magnet

right there.

[ laughter ]

uncle red, you think

people are going to

come to the lodge

to see a paddle?

Well, it's not just

any paddle, harold.

Look at the

lines on there, see?

Age seven,

age seven and a half,

age eight,

age eight and a half,

age nine,

age --

age nine and a half,

yeah, okay, I get it.

Yes, yes, it's

a stick marking

some kid's height.

So what?

Not just any

kid, harold.

A famous member

of the green family.

Ever heard of

lorne greene?

Yeah.

Says lorne

up there.

And I figure he was

my grandpa green's

second cousin by

a previous marriage

and a prior

commitment.

[ laughter ]

so I figure

this paddle proves

that the famous

lorne greene is

a relative of ours

and stayed right here

at possum lodge.

Wow!

The real lorne greene?

Greene with the extra "e"

on the end of it?

Unlike the unfamous red green

who has no extra anything.

[ laughter ]

anywhere.

Harold, when people

go into show business

they change

their names.

He added an "e",

harold, okay.

So I figure that we can

change possum lodge

into an attraction

based on lorne greene,

just like dolly parton

did with "dollywood".

[ laughter ]

well, dolly parton has

two things you don't have.

[ laughter ]

brains and money.

[ laughter and applause ]

it's the possum

lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives a coupon

for a free oil change

and cheeseburger

from mchanic's.

Possum lake's first

drive-through

car repair shop

and fast food restaurant.

Home of the slogan

"do you want tires with that?"

okay, cover your --

oh, never mind.

Mr. Green, you've got

30 seconds

to get edgar

to say this word.

All right, mike.

And go.

Okay, edgar,

okay, if you work with c4,

this is what you

don't want to be...

In the same county.

That stuff'll blow

your clothes right off.

I've seen me running

back to your truck

with nothing but a little

plunger in front of me

and hoping that the

smoke would hold out.

Okay, no, no, no, no,

okay, okay.

Uh, when a guy

works with explosives

but he makes a

lot of mistakes,

what would

you call him?

Lefty.

Okay, edgar, when someone does

what you do for a living,

this is something they

can't afford to be...

Insured?

If somebody calls you

incompetent, dangerous

and reckless,

that means you're...

Back in front of the

licensing board again.

Okay, okay, okay.

When a man is

not careful, he's...

Married.

[ laughter ]

we're almost out of

time, mr green.

Yeah, well, you know, edgar,

I think this cheeseburger

is just flying

away on you here.

Oh, big deal.

With my cholesterol,

I could care less.

Yeah!

Yeah!

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

♪ his name is rothschild,

winston rothschild ♪

♪ when your tank goes bad

and starts to ooze ♪

♪ you need a man

with rubber shoes ♪

♪ call rothschild,

winston rothschild ♪

♪ he has real nice clothes ♪

♪ but he's hard on the nose ♪

♪ still he's the one

that we all chose ♪

♪ 'cause you know for sure

you'll never get hosed ♪

♪ with rothschild,

winston rothschild ♪

♪ when your line's

all blocked ♪

♪ and you know you're stuck ♪

♪ you need a guy

who's a world class suck ♪

♪ call rothschild,

winston rothschild ♪

♪ call rothschild,

winston rothschild ♪

♪ call rothschild,

winston rothschild ♪

[ grunting ]

oh, I'm kind of

going a different way

with the handyman

corner this time.

I thought I would take

a normal problem

and demonstrate how

the true handyman uses

ingenuity and persistence

to overcome any obstacles.

You know the same

approach would bring

success in your personal

or professional lives too,

but I find that stuff

pretty boring.

So what we have here

is a flat tire

with some pretty rusty

lugs on there.

Okay, now, I started

with brute force there,

'cause that's always

the shortest way home.

But when brute force fails,

what you have to do is

go with more brute force.

This time we're going to add

a little science in there,

the law of the lever,

which is not: "if you don't

love her, leave her."

[ laughter ]

I'm talking about

the extra torc you get

whenever you extend the

handle of your tool.

[ laughter ]

now, a lot of guys

would quit at this point,

but then they're not me.

And we all feel

pretty good about that.

We're gonna give up

on brute force,

we're gonna switch over

to technology.

This here is

an impact wrench.

It uses compressed air

to do the work for you.

Sorry you had to

see that back there.

You know, a handyman

losing his temper

is the reason

we have hospitals.

But look at how I haven't

let this thing beat me.

See I took the socket

off the impact wrench,

stuck it onto the wheel --

onto the wheel nut there,

and then I welded this end

of the pipe onto the socket.

And now to give me

the extra power

to loosen this baby off,

I attached the other end

of this pipe

to the drive shaft

of this car.

Now she's only

200 horse,

but I figure in reverse

she'll have enough power

to fire those

nuts off no problem.

And then when it comes time

to tighten them back on,

well, I can put

it in drive

and then I've got

three speeds to choose from.

The important

life lesson here is

you don't ever give up,

you don't ever give in

and most importantly,

you don't ever read

the owner's manual.

So remember...

If the women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ creaking ]

man, those nuts are

left-hand thread!

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪ ]

most men are not

naturally neat.

We can't help it;

it's genetic.

See, women have the

two "x" chromosomes,

that's a matched set, okay.

We have an "x" and a "y".

As far as we're concerned,

anything goes with anything.

[ laughter ]

in fact, making a mess

is how the human male

marks his territory.

And when you think about it,

it's -- it's a lot better than

the way we used to do it.

The point is all your life

you've thrived on chaos.

Remember your

first apartment?

Remember the first time

your mother dropped in

on your first apartment?

Remember how she fainted?

And her fall was broken

by those empty pizza boxes?

Enough said.

But lately you've had strange

stirrings, haven't you?

Unfamiliar yearnings like when

you're walking by the shed

you start thinking, you know,

I should clean that up.

Or you're thinking,

landscaping would make

this place a lot homier.

I know it's scary,

but don't panic.

It's a natural part

of the maturing process,

see, you've finally come to

the age where you've acquired

all the territory

you're gonna conquer.

It's not gonna

get any bigger,

maybe you can

get it organized.

It's not because your wife

has finally managed

to take over your mind

while you were sleeping.

Now, if you're smart,

you'll accept that

now you're a neater person.

And if you're really smart,

you'll let your wife think

you're doing it for her.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you;

we're all

in this together.

[ applause ]

when a strong blast from

methane burns the hair

from your nose,

when it weakens your knees

and buckles your toes,

when there's a rising damp

on your lawn and your clothes,

you'll wish that

rothschild sewage

had been the

sucker you chose.

This lorne greene idea

is really starting

to take shape.

All the years we've struggled

to build our own popularity

and all we had to do

was steal somebody else's.

[ laughter ]

and in order to cash in

on lorne greene's success,

possum lodge is now

know as possum ponderosa.

[ laughter ]

and I'll tell you,

it's not just a money maker,

it's a "bonanza".

[ laughter and applause ]

[ cheers and whistles ]

you all remember

the village people.

[ laughter ]

we're just trying

to enhance the lorne

greene experience

by dressing up like

characters from the show.

I didn't know ben cartwright

had two jackasses.

[ laughter ]

we're his sons.

Dalton is hoss.

You're hoss?

Yeah, very much so, yes.

He always had an

air of quiet dignity.

[ laughter ]

well, you have an air

of loud embarrassment.

[ laughter ]

and who are you

supposed to be,

liberace cartwright?

[ laughter ]

no, I'm little joe.

Oh, little joke,

maybe.

You should see moose thompson.

He's hop sing.

[ laughter ]

a little light on the sing,

a little heavy on the hop.

Maybe this was

a bad idea.

Oh, no, no, no,

uncle red.

We already have

60 guests booked

for the first

possum ponderosa weekend.

We've got to

make it look good.

You get to be

ben cartwright.

Well, now

you're talking.

Okay, okay,

okay, okay.

Red (voice over):

You know every year at

the start of football season,

the big question is...

What do you do with the

people who weren't picked?

So I thought we'd

have a bit of

a football

competition, there.

And we had six footballs,

and I put a couple of

initials on each one

so there was

two with a "d",

two with a "w",

two with an "m".

And so take the

two with the "d", no "w",

and give those to winston.

Winston --

he's gonna throw.

He's gonna be the passer.

Then I take the two with

the "d"s on them

and I give them to dalton.

Dalton's gonna be

the punter.

The kicker, the punter,

the punter, the kicker --

give it a try there, dalton.

How is the back anyway?

Not good,

not good, okay.

And now mike's challenge --

he's going to do

the place kicking.

I'm not sure mike

really grasps

the whole concept of how

that whole kicker stance --

not, not --

so anyway, so winston's

gonna go first.

So he does the

y.A. Tittle thing

and then had to

change his pants

and then he came out

and threw the football.

And not a bad --

no, not a bad toss.

Not bad,

not bad.

Okay, there's the "w".

Now, dalton, your chall --

see if you can kick it

farther than winston

threw it.

Okay, okay.

Careful on the back,

now, dalton, careful.

Here we go,

here we go.

Back okay?

Looks all right.

No, no.

Okay and -- okay, now,

that's good.

That's good, it's not

that much farther, dalton.

Mike, he puts his

on the tee there,

and he's gonna --

oh, boy -- oh.

A little something

he learned in prison.

And okay, so,

they're all pretty happy,

but to me, I was

a little disappointed

in the overall quality

of the competition.

It's not like these

were that far down the field.

So okay, so I'm saying you

guys get one more ball each.

Let's put a little

extra into it.

I'll get rid of this.

Okay so winston

has a ramp

and down he comes

and just really let's her go.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, boy, oh!

We don't wanna --

we don't want to see that.

Winston, I can't even

look at that.

No, no, put that away.

Put that away.

Oh, I gotta get

fish this Friday.

And then dalton

tapes a sledgehammer

to the side of his leg.

I'm not sure this is

not completely legal.

Give him a little

extra oomph.

This is like

the tungsten ejected

titanium golf club,

audience: O-o-o-h!

Red (voice over):

So mike decides that

he's just gonna maybe

overinflate the ball

a little bit.

He cranks the compressor up

well past the safe zone,

and I don't know how big --

oh, they go pretty big.

Yeah, they go pretty big.

So now I guess the idea is

when he makes contact with

that, she should take off.

Yeah, okay, okay,

all right, all right, good.

All right, let 'er go,

let 'er go.

And -- oh, boy,

oh, boy.

And I think --

that's the whole length --

that's a --

there's a field goal.

Well, there's your --

now, shake hands,

shake hands

with everybody.

C'mon, mike, be a good

sport and shake hands --

don't shake --

no, no, no, no, no.

Well, then just --

well, maybe --

no, no, no,

maybe not,

all right,

okay.

Don't worry, dalton.

We'll fix this.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪ ]

yeah, I know I got it.

Pepperoni, ground beef

ground pork and extra cheese.

You want a double

bypass with that?

Yeah, yeah,

it's coming right up.

Remember that game you used

to play when you were a kid?

No, not that game.

The other one where

you and a friend

would see who could

skip a stone

the farthest out

across the lake?

Well, hold that thought.

This is stinky

peterson's island.

They say no man

is an island,

but in stinky's case we're

prepared to make an exception.

Actually stinky's away

for a couple of weeks.

He asked me to look after

his business for him,

a pizza delivery business.

And stinky's got

a real unique way

of getting them out to you.

He sits them in between

a couple of old wheel discs.

And then he fires them out

to you across the lake,

using that skeet thrower.

He can only deliver, you know,

to houses on the lake,

but that prevents

his business from getting

so big he can't handle it.

This pizza here is

for dalton's daughter,

so I've just gotta

aim it at his place.

[ laughter and applause ]

there we go.

You know, stinky

calls it a pizzeria

but it could just as easily

be called a skeet-zeria.

And every pizza comes

with a guarantee...

No more than 30 skips,

or it's free.

And... Pull.

[ discs hitting water ]

[ cheers and applause ]

you've made

yourself successful,

so many friends to thank.

It's good to have

a life that's full,

but not a septic tank.

Come on in,

come on in.

Well --

[ cheers and applause ]

you all right,

harold?

It's been that kind

of a weekend.

We hit a few snags

with our ponderosa thing.

It turns out our lorne greene

wasn't the real lorne greene.

We all got caught with

our chaps down on that one.

But I find that whenever you

pretend to be something

that you're not,

you get yourself

into trouble

unless your company

is publicly traded.

[ laughter ]

but it's okay,

it's okay.

Everything's fine now.

They dropped the charges.

Harold, I can't believe

all those people

were relatives

of lorne greene.

Oh, no, they weren't.

No, a lot of them

were litigators.

Yeah, we had some

copyright infringement issues,

some licensing

violations.

Of course, there's that

whole kafuffle about

whether or not livestock

should be allowed in

the restaurant.

That was something

we got to learn.

You know, I felt that

after I spoke to them

things kind

of settled down.

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

Once they heard

you speak, boy,

they realized

we were doing it

out of ignorance.

Yeah, they were just

trying to protect

the reputation of

lorne greene, that's all.

And we did not mention

battlestar galactica.

They really

appreciated that.

That helped.

Well, harold,

what now?

I mean, how are we going

to promote the lodge

if we can't lie?

Well, how about we

base the campaign

on the lodge's natural

beauty and serenity

and of course the

majesty of possum lake.

We're so dead.

So dead.

We're finished.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead,

harold, okay.

Okay.

I'll be right down.

So if my wife

is watching,

this old cowpoke will be

blazing a trail straight home

after the meeting.

Today I tried

to be lorne greene,

but I found out how tough

it is to be a star.

That's not going

to happen to me;

I'm staying in canada.

[ laughter and applause ]

and to the rest of you,

thanks for watching

on behalf of myself, harold

and the gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

oh, here we are, okay,

take your seats, please.

Sit down, sit down.

The meeting's about to begin.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right, men,

bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Okay, guys, now that the

possum lodge ponderosa thing

has been cancelled, we got a

chuckwagon to give away

if anybody's interested.

Anybody?

Okay, okay, it's not

actually a chuckwagon,

it's a '79 k-car.

Okay, and we've taken

the shocks out of her,

so it's really more of

an upchuck wagon.

(shouting)

bob, you want to turn on

your hearing aid?

Closed captioning performed

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