Exit Stag Right/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

I'm sure you've all seen

these fancy lawn torches

for outdoor parties

or for when the county

shuts off your electricity

or to use as a reading lamp

when you're sleeping outside,

and your wife has given

you a dr. Phil book.

But those things

cost money,

and they don't throw

much light.

So I'm thinking this is a

chance to do the same job

cheaper and better,

using something

you already have...

Like, say,

a bird bath.

You don't even have

to empty it first

because the gasoline will

float on top of the water,

and the best part is

when the party's over,

the gasoline will just

burn down to the water

and put itself out.

I don't

see a downside.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

Harold asked a girl

to marry him a while ago,

and she said yes

and we're all waiting

for her to change her mind --

you know, buyer's remorse.

Well, it doesn't seem

to be happening,

so I guess we're

going to have a wedding.

Audience: Whoo!

Yeah,

sad to see a girl

as desperate as harold.

But the bunch of us

are planning to have

a surprise

stag for him.

We've got a few

kegs on order,

a ton of fireworks

and about

400 cheap cigars.

We've even got a couple

of those lady dancers

that find every room

too warm for clothing.

Uncle red!

Uncle red!

What's going on?

Something's going on.

I know when

something's going on.

[ cheers and applause ]

yeah, I know when

something's going on, right?

What's going on?

Harold, nothing's

going on.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I knew it!

Are you going to do

something nice for me,

because that never

works out too well.

Let's just say that

I might be working

on a little something

that'll knock your

socks off.

[ shuddering ]

oh, uncle red,

this is crazy.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

I'm not kidding you,

harold.

It's a party.

It's a party,

isn't it?

It's a party.

Maybe.

Maybe.

So you're having like

a massive blowout stag

for me, uncle red?

My lips are sealed.

Get out!

Get out!

Oh, you're having

a party for me.

Is this going e

the best night

of my life?

Well, let's

hope not, harold,

you've got a

wedding coming up.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

and today's winner receives

5,000 gallons

of natural spring water

from mercury creek,

delivery and container

not included.

Okay, well cover

your ears, ed.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get ed frid to say

this word...

Yeah, all right,

dalton.

And go!

Okay, ed, as an animal

control officer,

this is something you always

want between yourself

and an animal...

Distance.

No, okay, no.

This is something you

and your pet share...

Oh, heartworm.

Okay, no.

No, okay, okay.

When you spend a lot

of time with your pet

you end up

with a permanent...

Scar.

All right, let's forget

about animals.

Let's think

about women.

Can you think about women?

Always.

Okay, okay.

This is something

you want.

It involves a woman

and it rhymes with pond...

Blonde.

No, no, no.

This is something you want

to do with a woman...

You can't think

of anything?

Well, nothing that

rhymes with pond.

Time's

almost up, red.

Okay, okay,

let's try this.

Shaken not stirred,

what does that

sound like?

My self-esteem.

Okay, uhh, no.

Okay, okay.

What do you think of

when I say double-o seven?

My net worth.

But that's what happens

when you buy junk bonds.

There we go!

There you go.

It's time for the experts

portion of the show,

where we examine those

three little words

men find so

hard to say...

Audience:

I don't know!

Those are the three.

Okay, here's our letter.

"dear experts,

"I recently suffered

a heart attack

"and am wondering what

I need to do

"to prevent another one.

Well, I would suggest

asking your doctor

rather than writing

into a show that

uses duct tape.

Doctors are idiots.

"my doctor says I need

to exercise and eat healthy."

there, see, "exercise

and eat healthy."

c'mon...

And this is from the

guy who's had five

heart attacks.

Well, no,

really just one, red,

the others

were false alarms.

The second one

was just angina

and the other three

were just onions.

See, diet

is important.

I mean, I think you're

supposed to eat

a lot of organic fruits

and vegetables

and oat bran

and roughage.

No, no, I would never eat

anything called roughage.

See, I had a

doctor that tried

to put me on that

high fibre stuff,

you know.

What he didn't take

into consideration,

I live in a house

with a wife,

seven daughters

and one bathroom.

Good thing we've got

a big back yard.

Call me.

[ applause ]

well, I think a little bit

of exercise is good.

I heard that somewhere.

Well, yeah, yeah.

I mean, as long

as you just don't go

overboard, you know.

I'll tell you

what I do.

When I go out

for breakfast,

I angle up when I

pull in to the

drive-thru

so I'm about

three feet away.

So what I got to do is

I got to stretch right

out way over like this,

and then I'm fully

extended before I can

grab the donuts, right.

So it's very good for your

cardiovascular health.

Okay, I think our viewer

needs to consult a

nutritionist

and a doctor...

And probably a psychiatrist

if you're going to take

advice from these guys.

If you have a heart attack

and you got to phone 911,

make sure you

ask for roger.

He's a great

ambulance driver, okay.

He's always got

a couple of jokes,

and if you ask,

he'll take off your oxygen

and let you

have a smoke.

[ applause ]

three dollars and

seventy-five cents.

Three dollars and

seventy-five cents.

I can buy a '74 dart

for less than that.

What ever

happened to value?

Oh sure, they call chocolate

"mocha dream" now,

that doesn't make it

worth $3.75.

This isn't right.

I can't just

eat a $3.75 cone.

I'm going to save it

for our anniversary.

Well, what can

the average person do

to fight crazy prices?

How would I know?

I'm not average.

You ever looked inside

an ice cream maker?

If you watch this show,

you probably have.

And you've noticed,

it looks exactly

like the inside

of a washing machine.

You have your automatic

mixing tool

and your freely standing

mixing chamber.

I figure at

$3.75 a cone,

I can churn up around

80 grand worth of ice cream.

That's a lot

of tutti-frutti.

Okay, step one...

Line the machine

with a layer of ice.

Correction,

line the machine with

a layer of chopped ice.

Okay, I've got all the tiny

chunks of ice wrapped

around the drum.

I used vanilla ice because

that's made for "rapping."

speaking of agitators,

it's time to put

this one back in.

It's important to keep

the ice cream stirred up;

otherwise, you could end up

with all the oily fat

at the bottom,

like moose thompson.

Next, you add the sugar

which, again, is real cheap.

In fact, if you're smart,

you can get

sugar for free.

Now you pour in whole milk

just the way it came out

of bossie.

You know what they say,

if you're getting

the milk for free...

$3.75 for

an ice cream cone.

Again, this is pure,

fresh milk

not homogenized

or pasteurized

or sanitized

or scrutinized,

the fresher the better.

I would have hung a cow

over the machine,

but I didn't trust

the ceiling joists.

Okay, now we just

add a dash of salt...

Okay, maybe more

than a dash.

That was kind of

a hundred-yard dash.

No problem.

Now, you just

pick a flavour.

My favourite flavour

is butter pecan,

but ve

raspberries.

This shouldn't take long,

you know what fruit's like.

[ timer rings ]

that dinging noise means

it's time to put the

flavouring in.

[ timer ringing ]

oh man,

that looks good.

I'm going to put

the ice cream

into these old

chicken buckets.

They're cardboard

so I couldn't wash them,

but I aired them out

pretty good.

If the flavour

does soak through

I'll call it

raspberry rooster.

$3.75.

$7.50.

More than $7.50.

Now, if you're watching

your weight,

eat the ice cream out

of a bowl instead of a cone.

That way there's

no carbs.

I was wondering where

that sock went to.

Well, I'll just

change the name

to raspberry sock-hopper

or footi-tutti.

Could have been worse,

could have

been jockey road.

I want to talk

to you older guys

about all those coins

you've been accumulating

over the last

50 years of so.

Anybody who says,

"men don't like change,"

has never reached in

to an old guy's pants.

The amount of silver

in a man's home

is directly proportional

to the amount of silver

in his hair.

Your change is everywhere,

isn't it, eh?

Overflowing out of that

pickle jar on the dresser,

trapped between the

crevices of the couch,

trapped between the crevices

of you lying on the couch.

Your pockets are so

weighed down by quarters,

nickels and dimes,

when you climb

into the car

you sound like a

slot machine paying out.

So I think it's time

for you to roll all

those coins up,

take them to the bank

and cash them in

for folding money.

It's lighter,

it's quieter

and it'll force you to make

much better decisions

when you don't have

a coin to flip.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

anncr: Sewage...

The final frontier.

Winston: Scotty, I need more

suction on this sewage tank.

Scotty: I canna give

her any more, captain,

she's gonna blow!

Anncr: To boldly go where

everyone has gone before...

[ applause ]

well, harold's stag

is really coming together.

We got the beer.

We got the pickled eggs.

We got the

exhaust fans.

Harold still hasn't

figured out exactly

what's happening

but once he sees those

dancers getting lighter

by the minute,

I think he'll catch on.

Uncle red.

Yeah?

I have to talk to you

about the stag.

Well, I don't think

this is a very good

time, harold, you know.

Oh no, it's okay.

Bonnie's on-side

with this whole thing.

Oh yeah, yeah,

I'm completely fine with

everything, mr. Green.

I think my pookie is

a very lucky man

to have an uncle

like you.

Family hug!

What?

This is like a meeting

of nerd's anonymous.

No, and knowing you

as well as I do,

I figure you haven't

invited anybody yet

so bonnie and I have a

list of suggested guests.

Hmm-mm, some of those

people never thought

I'd get married!

I went through kind of

an unattractive phase.

[ snort laughs ]

wait a sec.,

that says adele

on there.

Adele's a girl's

name, isn't it?

Oh, adele is my cousin,

she has to be there.

Yeah but a stag is only

for guys, see.

Really?

'cause I heard there

were going to be

women there.

You know, we were

so impressed with that.

We really were.

You know, we were very

impressed with that,

you know, you being

enlightened and all

that sort of stuff.

That was really great.

You're not doing

that cliché stuff,

you know booze

and strippers and...

Oh no, oh no,

no, no.

So we thought maybe

we could turn it into

a stag and doe.

Yeah, yeah and include

all of the people

we care about,

the great aunts and

uncles and all of

the grandparents

on both sides.

I have a huge family.

We're excellent breeders.

[ laughter ]

you know, there's

a problem here.

The lodge really isn't

big enough to handle

all these people.

Oh, all taken care of,

uncle red.

We've already rented

the basement of the

baptist church.

Party!

Party!

Red: The guys came down to

the beach looking for me.

We were all going to do

a little bit of sailing today.

Couldn't find me,

I was having a

little break,

and I had decided that we

could have a sailboat race

and they said,

"let's do that."

and I figured mike

could be my partner

and the other two

could work together.

And they did that thing,

I'm not really

a high-fiver, myself.

Winston had a sextant

in his pants,

I guess that's how

you pronounce it,

a centre board

and a couple of hats.

And I wouldn't

put that on my head,

but I'm not his partner.

And, you know, mike is --

here again I don't have

a lot of the camaraderie,

the team spirit thing.

So anyway, dalton and winston

go over to their boat,

and they're going to get

that thing ready.

Dalton has a balance

problem in every way.

Mike just throws

his shoes in,

and I just kind of

pass them on.

So I'm thinking mike could

just, kind of, push us off

and we're good.

The other two had more --

wanted to do things together

and... Go get your boat.

Meanwhile, mike is --

c'mon mike,

c'mon on.

Go to the side

and he's working

on her pretty good there

and meanwhile these guys

are tipping her over.

Now, when a sailboat goes

over, the mast'll come down

and mike can't quite

figure out what's going on

and then suddenly

he wasn't there anymore.

So I thought, well to heck

with it, you know,

he's just extra

weight anyway.

I'll go ahead and I can

probably one-man it.

So dalton and winston

get their sail all rigged

and the race is on.

I'm making --

I'm making headway,

they're not really

getting anywhere.

So, I go up to the --

there's a marker buoy

at one end of the lake

and I go around

the marker buoy

because he was

just sitting still,

and I come

back the other way

and they still

haven't moved.

They can't quite figure out

what's going --

what they're doing is they're

looking for the wind,

and they're looking down

and everything,

but if they would just

take a moment out of

their busy day

and look up

they'd get a sense

of why the boat is not

catching as much air

as it should be.

So now they've

got the problem

of how they're going

to get mike off there.

Winston gets an idea.

He figures if

he tips it over

just as my boat's coming by,

they could drop mike

right into my boat

and somehow

win the race.

So they time it

and over he goes.

And right

through the hull.

Thank you, mike.

Lunch is now being served

on the poop deck.

Last year, bernice's mother

stayed with us for a

couple of weeks.

Then when she left,

as a thank-you,

she gave us one of these

grilling machines.

They're supposed to

help you lose weight.

I didn't think

it would work

but then she left

so in a way,

I lost 165 pounds

of unsightly fat

right then and there.

But for the lodge I need

something with a little

more surface area

'cause the guys have

a lot more surface area.

Lucky for me the dry cleaners

down the street went

out of business

and left this old

steam press machine behind.

Now, I don't want

to press the clothes,

I want to

press the flesh.

Now, the trick to these grills

that reduce fat content,

if that's what

you're in to,

is for the unit

to slant forward

so that the juices

will run off.

All's you got to do there

is prop the back up.

I recommend using a

vegetarian cookbook.

It's not just

for hiding anymore.

Okay, next you're going

to want some kind of trough

to catch the

fat in front here.

I suggest something with

little more capacity

than this.

Oh, there we go.

Now, this is a grill

and to any real man,

you can't have a grill

without a hood ornament.

Now, you can actually eat

the same brand you drive.

Put the hot cars

in the middle

and the cool, rare ones

close to the outside edges.

[ sizzling ]

oh, I almost forgot.

I got this trough slanted

so that the stuff doesn't

actually go to waste,

it goes into

this steam iron.

That'll come in real handy

if you want to give your

meat that final touch up.

You know,

a little extra juice.

Oh my...

What was that,

telling people

to go home?

You don't tell people

to go home when you're

hosting a party.

I didn't tell people

to go home.

You grabbed the

microphone and said,

"well, that's enough

of that, drive safely."

what was that, a public

service announcement?

It was getting late.

8:30, 8:30's late?

Well, harold,

in a baptist church,

8:30 is like midnight.

We were

all having fun.

We were not,

harold!

You were over in

the corner with

bonnie's family

talking over

childhood memories

and playing,

"who am I."

the rest of us were sitting

at the bar drinking

shirley temples

and playing,

"why are we here?"

okay, all right,

I acknowledge that,

you know, stags were

different in your day.

Yes, they were, harold.

You know, you had

strippers and gambling

and the groom would

end up in the hospital

with alcohol poisoning.

Were you at my stag?

No!

Uncle red, this may be

a shock to you,

but bonnie and I,

we don't see that as fun.

No, no, I know.

I'm mainly upset about having

to cancel those strippers.

You know, I'm just worried

about those beautiful women,

you know, they're intelligent

and they had great bodies,

you know, and --

just try not

to think about them.

I can't help

myself, harold.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead,

I'll be right down.

Okay.

Oh, if my wife

is watching,

you may have

heard something

that you weren't

supposed to hear.

So let me just say

that my stag was way

more fun than harold's

because right after it,

I got to marry you.

Was that good enough or

should I pick up some flowers?

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, guys, come on in.

Everybody sit down.

Sit down.

Grab a seat.

Down in the back, there.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change

if I have to...

I guess.

All right, men, harold's stag

is a clear message

that things

have changed.

It's a new reality and

it's right and it's fair

and we've all just got

to accept it.

But it also means that

the stags we had

were better than

they'll ever be again.

[ cheer ]

now, if we could only

remember them.

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