The Suits/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Starring the old red green.

Here he is, possum lodge's

self-made man

with no warranty --

your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

thank you! Thank you very much!

Appreciate it -- thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Did you hurt your neck

or did you go

to don cherry's tailor?

I had

an accident on my bike.

I was riding down holler hill.

Junior singleton

pulled his vega over

to answer a call of nature.

Nature must have been yelling,

'cause he didn't see me.

I went wham! Into his door!

My insurance agency says

I should take legal action.

So I'm gonna sue

junior singleton

for everything he's worth!

$50,000!

Harold, that's everything

he's worth... Plus $50,000!

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

For those at home adjusting

the sound on your t.V.,

you heard right.

Harold is suing

junior singleton for $50,000.

Hope you haven't

hired a lawyer.

Ha-ha! No!

I'm representing myself.

I don't have a law degree

but I've read

every john grisham novel

so I'll be ok.

Abraham lincoln said

people who act

as their own lawyer

have a fool for a lawyer

and an ass for a client.

Our country's only as strong

as its legal system.

It's like a muscle.

If you don't use it,

it gets out of shape.

When you use it,

you get this humongous cramp.

You spend gym class

huddled around the toilet.

(audience laughing)

I don't know why

you're suing junior.

He doesn't have money.

I'll put a lien on his house.

Any more "lean"

and she'll fall over.

I'm proving

to the people of possum lake

that you can settle disputes

without throwing vegetables

or deflating tires

or leaving flaming bags

of manure on porches.

I said I was sorry.

Wrecked my best shoes.

Sue me!

Wahahh! I will!

(red): Here they are.

Each has a half

of moose thompson's halter top.

Oh, boy... Oh, man.

They're doing gliding.

Remember when you had

those gliders?

Had a lot of fun... Oh!

(laughing)

the fun you can have...

Oh, by golly.

Yeah, it's so simple,

sometimes,

the most enjoyable

things in life.

Fun, fun, fun, eh? Yeah!

(laughing)

boy, I'm enjoying this.

This is a step up.

These are the kind,

you wind up the prop.

What are you doing?

Got the elastic there.

I thought this was

high-tech stuff.

Electric drill, there,

and he's...

He's really been working out.

Either that, or the blade

is made of solder, perhaps.

That's gonna work great,

isn't it, eh?

Gonna work great.

We'll check on them later

after they smarten up!

♪ if you find yourself

lookin' for a family pet ♪

♪ I'd say

get yourself a hog ♪

♪ they're smart and friendly

and they won't run away ♪

♪ and they're easier to train

than a dog ♪

♪ and when the time comes

when a dog passes on ♪

♪ you'll find

your heart is achin' ♪

♪ but the pain of losin'

a hog is eased ♪

♪ by the bonus

of all that bacon ♪

(imitating

pig squealing)

welcome to the word game!

Tonight's prize is from

the we-poll-it

telephone solicitation company

who will phone you

at dinnertime

to ask you questions.

You have 30 seconds

to get mike hamar

to say this word.

"bed".

(laughing)

"bed."

(audience laughing)

all right, uh...

Mike.

At night, you sleep in a...

... Cell.

But you lie there in a...

... Cold sweat.

You lie on a...

... Cot.

Bunk...

Cement floor.

Your mattress fits on

a queen-sized...

... Cell-mate.

(audience laughing)

after you made parole,

you slept in

a warm, dry...

... Dumpster.

Ok, no, all right,

if you'd gone home,

your mom would let you sleep

inour...

... Dumpster.

We're almost out of time.

Ok, there's an

expression, ok?

You made

your something.

Now you have to

lay in it.

I get it -- "getaway"!

Ok, you tried your getaway but

the escape route was blocked

so you hid

under...

... Her bed.

Yeah!

(ringing bell)

this week on "handyman corner",

I'll talk about

winterizing your vehicle.

If you're anything like me --

and if you watch this show,

you are --

your vehicle is suffering

from what I call

receding tread-line.

(audience laughing)

male-pattern tire wear.

We got space-age technology,

put a man on the moon.

You should be able to get

a few hundred thousand miles

out of a tire.

I say you can -- look at this.

We're not out of rubber.

We're just out of tread.

Being a retread myself,

I say let's cut ourselves

a new groove.

Get yourself one of them

automotive magazines,

pick out a tread pattern

that suits your lifestyle.

Then plug in your router

and start routin'.

I get my kicks on "rout" 66.

(coughing)

man! Smells like I drove

the indy 500

with the emergency brake on.

I was having some problems

following the pattern.

Harder than

I thought it would be.

I've done

a total re-think on 'er.

(banging)

what I've got now

is something different.

You're gonna love this.

Personalized snow tires.

See that?

Not just a fashion statement.

It actually proves

where you were,

if the cops should ask.

Not just a tire --

it's an alibi...

Hopefully, an airtight alibi.

Or maybe you're the kind

of person who gets lost.

How about this unit?

Got arrows carved into 'er.

You mount these

so the arrows are backwards.

No matter where you go,

you'll find your way home.

Maybe you got a girlfriend

you're trying to impress.

Who isn't, huh?

Even some of you married guys.

How about this? "I love trudy".

Isn't that beautiful?

If you break up with trudy,

just peel rubber

for a few miles.

You'll erase her off

your radials and your life.

Here's something special

I'm working on for my wife.

A little surprise for her.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I'm gonna dot that "I".

I'll use that one as a spare.

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

The biggest problem

you kids got

is "who am I gonna ask

for advice?"

can't go to your dad --

he botches everything.

He bought that pacer, said

that was the car of the future.

Your mom's too nice.

She'll tell you

exactly what you want to hear.

Maybe you got an older brother,

but he's spent five years

on the couch,

so he has a different agenda.

If you ask me,

you want the relative

that drives your parents crazy.

Tell you something.

Nine times out of 10,

it's an uncle.

Uncles give great advice.

Go find that uncle, see?

He probably thinks

you're being raised by morons

so he's motivated

to give you great advice

and he wants you to do it well.

Not only will he get credit

for doing something good,

he'll drive your parents crazy.

You seek out that uncle.

He's smarter than he looks.

He's gotta be.

Yes, you can leave the room.

Put your

arm down.

Wahhhh!

What a mess this guy's created.

He's suing junior for $50,000.

$75,000! Ever since

the accident,

my arm's been tingly.

My upper body strength

isn't what it used to be.

It went up?

Man!

Junior's suing buster,

who had the party,

hereinafter referred to

as the party of the first part.

Buster is suing

"humphrey's everything store"

for selling him the coffee

that caused junior

to have to relieve himself

and caused the accident,

hereinafter referred to

as what that idiot harold did.

I don't think everybody

should be mad at me.

They're not mad at you.

They're gonna sue everybody

and use you as their lawyer.

Really? Oh, that's excellent!

I'd need a retainer.

You're wearing

a retainer.

Right, ok... I'm gonna need

a legal position on this.

I'm advising everybody

to plead insanity.

That can be difficult

to substantiate.

Picking you as a lawyer

is all the proof they need.

(laughing)

whoa! Oh!

Holy mackerel!

All right, we're fine.

Ok.

(laughing)

welcome to "auto biography",

where members of possum lodge

talk about remembrances

of cars gone by.

Got dougie franklin here.

How many vehicles

have you owned?

13, 14...

100.

That's quite a fleet.

You have a favourite

out of that pack?

I think my favourite

would have to be

my metal-flake blue

1968 dodge charger.

Metal-flake blue exterior...

Metal-flake blue interior...

Metal-flake blue

tinted windows.

Was a beautiful thing

to behold.

When you put your pedal

to the metal,

it would snap your neck

like a twig

and your hair would end up

in the back!

(laughing)

that's gotta reduce

the resale value.

Wahhh... Nothin'.

You could be drivin' down

the main street on a good night

and that engine, she'd...

She'd just be hummin'.

(burbling)

(sputtering)

racing cam.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Then I'd do that thing.

I'd put one foot on the brake

and the other one

on the accelerator...

Those back tires

would be screamin'!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Then I'd take my foot

off the brake

and she'd... Whoa!

First gear!

(screaming)

second gear!

(screaming)

then I'd... Look out!

Pedestrians!

(screaming)

then I'd hit the brake!

(screaming)

(applause)

(siren)

possum 911 --

how can we help you?

I've fallen and I can't get up!

That you,

dalton?

It's me, dalton humphrey.

Any broken

bones?

Can you get to a phone?

(audience laughing)

(moaning)

I'm feeling faint.

I... I can't breathe!

I got a piano on my chest!

Well, there's

your problem.

Yeah, try an accordion on

your chest -- they're lighter.

No, red, my wife

was gonna hire movers

to drag the piano upstairs,

and, you know...

I don't pay people

to move furniture.

Let me guess --

your wife went out,

you figured you could move

the piano yourself.

Well, yeah... Ugh!

Ohhhh! I got it

as far as the first landing.

It didn't fit

around the corner.

Sort of lost my momentum and...

Oooh! And, uh...

Well, we came back down again.

Now I'm pinned and

I can't reach the phone book.

We got a phone

book here.

I could look

something up.

I could phone

somebody for you.

Oh, thanks, harold.

Call five different piano

movers and get estimates.

And then call back

the second cheapest

and say the cheapest

will do it for less.

"can you beat his price?"

then call the cheapest and say

"can you give me a break?"

and keep arguing 'em down.

Then tell the cheapest

to rush over

and get this piano

off my chest!

You should call an ambulance

or the fire department!

The fire department -- they're

big fellas, aren't they?

Pretty big,

some of them.

And I pay taxes --

they'll move this for nothin'!

(red): Meanwhile, the boys

are still winding their...

... Elastics.

Bill likes to crank 'er up.

(laughing)

oh, bill.

Come on, bill, come on.

Come on!

You'll go blind.

What the heck...?

Oh, yeah, that will work great.

You know what, bill?

I would suggest

just a couple more.

One more? All right.

Just one more -- that's right.

You can always get one more.

(laughing)

boy, there's a surprise.

Now... Oh! That's nice.

You take your friend's --

beautiful.

He's gonna crank that up.

Now he's prepared

to launch that.

These things are so realistic.

Sets 'er down and...

The flight's already delayed.

It's so realistic.

Oh, you're cleared

for take-off!

You can shave with that.

Oh, harold! Oh, harold!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Easy, boys, easy!

Easy, easy, easy, easy!

See what happens now?

Some of these men, they panic.

Come on, that's not fair.

Ohhhh!

You killed-- uh-oh!

Uh-oh!

Revenge is a dark thing.

Suddenly, gliders are coming

from everywhere.

I don't like the look of this.

I don't like the feel of this.

I'm glad I'm not there.

Guys? Guys, you all right?

What's that? What is it?

(bill): Whoa!!

(red): Suddenly

we're in the middle

of some horror movie

or something, aren't we?

Shh!

What are you gonna do?

Oh, they're gonna escape!

They're following you!

Run like the wind!

Run! Oh, by golly!

Whoa!!

(gliders squeaking)

hope they don't have

a balsa allergy.

Get in! Close that door!

(gliders squeaking)

oh, that will help --

the wipers.

Bill, where are you gonna go?

Bill's going into the barn!

They're still after him!

My gosh!

(gliders squeaking)

(red): This is scary.

Whoa! Ohhhh!

(red): Oh!

(screaming)

(red): Ohhh...

Finally, it's over.

You're all right, harold.

You're all right.

Everything's all right.

The gliders have all spent

their elastics.

Bill ok in the barn?

Ohhhh!

Careful, harold, careful!

Careful, careful!

Ohhh! Ahhhh! Ohhhh!

Ohhh...

Oh, no, he's fine.

Speaking of voodoo,

here's dolls

made by a friend

in london, ontario.

"a poem by

robert frost bite green.

"when the wind works

against us in the dark

"and pelts with snow

"the lowly chamber window

on the east,

"and whispers with

a sort of stifled bark,

"'hey, genius,

are you still glad

"'you didn't buy

that condo in port charlotte?'"

ever since harold

had his bike accident--

are you auditioning

for "the mummy's curse"?

I went to the town hall

to fill out the writ

of habeus corpus

against junior singleton.

I tripped going up the stairs.

On the way down,

I got my feet caught

in the bandage

my mom put around my leg.

I'm suing the township

for $500,000

and my mom for $1 million!

Hi, mom.

That figures --

everybody's suing everybody.

Moose thompson is suing

stinky peterson

for air quality violations

resulting in loss of appetite.

Old man sedgwick's got

a class-action going

'cause nobody warned him

to take care of his teeth.

People are suing me 'cause

there's no fish in the lake,

89 counts

of reckless endangerment,

so I'm counter-suing

the whole shebang --

what the heck, eh?

We got each person

suing each other person

for hundreds of thousands

of dollars!

Wow! Uncle red!

You know what this means?

I sure do --

we're all gonna be rich!

(laughing)

welcome to the portion

where we examine

those three words

that men find so hard to say...

(audience):

"I don't know!"

excellent! "I don't know!"

on the expert portion,

joining my uncle red,

his best friend in the room,

mr. Ferryboat captain himself,

hap shaughnessy!

(applause and cheering)

all right!

A lady viewer writes,

"dear red" -- ha-ha-ha!

"when I grow up,

I want to be famous.

"what is it like to be famous?"

well, you know, it's--

"and do you know anyone

who actually is famous?"

(audience laughing)

I think I am famous

in this area.

I certainly have a reputation.

I don't think she's talking

about collection agencies.

(audience laughing)

fame!

Ahhh!

Rather than love,

than money, than fame...

... Give me truth.

(audience laughing)

well, once in hollywood,

you can be

the toast of the town --

star of comedies, westerns,

action films.

The next minute, you're running

a ferryboat service

in some godforsaken town

in northern ontario.

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

you're not talking

about yourself, are you, hap?

(laughing)

30 films,

an oscar

nomination,

and who

remembers?

No one on this planet!

So, mr.

Shaughnessy,

you were

in movies?

You break my heart when you

have to even ask that question.

It's not easy

for me, either.

I played the farmer in "shane".

I played the mad bomber

in "airport".

Wait a sec, wait a sec.

I saw those movies

and that actor...

Well, it wasn't

hap shaughnessy,

I'll tell you that.

The studio publicist

called me "van heflin".

(audience laughing)

van heflin?

Yeah.

You were taller then,

weren't you?

If I remember right,

you had a different... Face.

Just part of my craft, harold.

I don't want to brag,

but no less an actor

than charlton heston told me

that I could really act.

He said that

with a straight face,

so I'm convinced.

(audience laughing)

everyone settled their cases

out of court, which is good,

'cause we couldn't afford

to build a court.

I was suing moose thompson

for 30 grand.

We solved that --

he gave me back my fish finder.

Stinky gave me back my drill

and I gave him his good boots.

I won my suit against buster.

What suit is that?

My bathing suit --

I wondered where that went.

So everybody's happy.

Law and order

has been restored.

But what about my lawsuit

against the township

and junior and my mom?

Good news -- I got back your

dip net and the video game.

Ok, excellent -- good work.

This suing was a lot of fun.

Maybe I'll be a lawyer, 'cause

everybody hates me already.

That would be ok.

Maybe I can get on

one of those big firms,

like on "l.A. Law"

or "perry masonry"

or I could be

a cool corporate lawyer

like in that show "traders".

(laughing and applause)

that's cool.

(possum squeal)

squeal

of the possum!

It's meeting

time, uncle red.

You go ahead --

I'll be right down.

Away you go.

Ohhh!

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming home

after the meeting.

All this legal stuff

got me thinking.

Later, if you present me

with your briefs,

I'll probably recommend

a merger.

The rest of you,

on behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(possum squeal)

(harold): Oh, ok.

Stand up -- he's in the room!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down.

I have a serious announcement.

Last night at the banquet,

a bunch of us went through

400 gallons of beer.

This morning, when we emptied

the holding tank,

there was 500 gallons in there.

We have another book

coming out --

"red green talks cars:

A love story."

it's available

through possum lodge

and through

your local book retailer.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!