The Beef Project

One of the local farmers passes away and Junior Singleton inherits from him a prized steer that the men promptly offer to butcher for him.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, That's What Friends Are For, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Visit With Ranger Gord, Adventures With Bill, The Experts, Visit With Winston Rothschild

DVD: Red Green Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 1

Intro
{Red is seen fishing on a pier early in the morning.}

RED GREEN: One of the differences between men and women is that men feel they have to dominate things. It's not enough to enjoy nature or a job or even a conversation. Man has to dominate! I think that's why we eat so much meat. I mean, there's domination for you: man against animal; who's gonna eat who. Most men think "vegetarian" is an Indian word meaning "lousy hunter". It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequence
''{The "The New Red Green Show" title sequence plays. Cut to a charred-looking Red holding two burned cords. Smoke is forming in the background.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here are a few scenes from this week's show. Harold tells me all...

''{Cut to Ranger Gord standing outside his fire watchtower. He smiles, then lets out a sob.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...the big shows do this. Y'know, shows like "Laugh-In" or "Carol Burnett".

{Cut to Winston holding up a card advertising his business card.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I know Perkins does this kinda thing.

{Cut to Ben trying to honk a bicycle horn.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I should also mention that we got special guests here, Dave Thomas...

{Cut to Edgar shouting something.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and Graham Greene.

{Cut to Bill ecstatically jumping up and down on a trampoline.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Bill's gonna jump up and down till he hurts himself.

Segue: Ranger Gord
{Ranger Gord is standing outside his tower.}

RANGER GORD: Hi, you're watching The Red Green Show. {he suddenly chokes up and sobs} You're lucky!

Red's Campfire Song
RED GREEN:


 * Oh, there's a hole in my tent,
 * And the water's coming in.
 * It's rainin' on my hat,
 * And it's drippin' on my chin.
 * Always remember camping lesson number one:
 * If there's bugs in your tent, don't shoot 'em with a gun!

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I want to talk to all you older guys out there now. I want you to know that you're not alone. I'm one of you. And every week, more and more of us are coming out of the tool room and admitting it. Admitting that we have nothing to say, to anyone, about anything. I know that feeling. Your wife probably understands. You've said it all to her before. You're still with her. You have nothing to add. That's all right. Unfortunately, there are some guys who have nothing to say, but keep talking. If you find yourself ranting about how people are parking their cars on your street, you have nothing to say, stop talking. If you find yourself going on and on about how Jeopardy! is way better than Wheel of Fortune, or how hard these new orange juice cans are to open, or the high price of hammers, you have nothing to say! If you find yourself telling a hilarious story that you read in Reader's Digest, stop talking! No one is listening to you. The person you're talking to has glazed over and is nodding their head, while they make out a grocery list, or plan their winter vacation, or vow never to get as old and boring as you are! So don't just keep talking until you think of something. You may not! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Segue: Winston Rothschild
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Hi, Winston Rothschild here from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, reminding you... {he holds up his business card on which the slogan and the phone number is displayed} "Don't get hosed somewhere else." Call 1-800-555-SUCK!

Commercial bumper
{Red is wearing an apron and a helmet and holding a saw.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned. You won't wanna miss what we got planned for the cow.

{Cut to a shot of Edgar talking.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Or our special guest, Graham Greene!

Plot Segment 3
''{Red walks into the Lodge wearing an apron and a helmet with a goggle attachment and holding a jigsaw. Harold is eating an apple.}''

RED GREEN: Well, as soon as Junior gets here with Wanda the Wonder Cow, we'll be up to our rump roasts in steak.

HAROLD GREEN: {disgusted} Oh! Oh, now I feel like K.D. Lang!

RED GREEN: Harold, you look like K.D. Lang. {to audience} Anyway, Stinky's bringing the cow over in the back seat of his '69 Cadillac. He's got twice as much leg room there, which is good, 'cause the cow's got twice as much legs.

HAROLD GREEN: Stinky's putting a farm animal in the back of his Cadillac?! What about the smell?

RED GREEN: The cow didn't seem to mind. {to audience} Anyway, all the guys are bringing different power tools over depending on what kind of meat we're cutting. {holds up jigsaw} I'm using this baby for the delmonicos. We've got a skill saw for the ribs. And we're using a rotor on the filet mignons.

HAROLD GREEN: {disgusted} Oh! Oh! I don't even wanna hear about the hamburger!

RED GREEN: Buster's bringing a rototiller.

HAROLD GREEN: I heard! I heard! Now I know why people become vegetarians!

RED GREEN: Harold, the cow is not an animal in the wild. It's like a crop. {points to Harold's apple} It's like that apple, all right? This is harvest time, that's all.

HAROLD GREEN: There is no comparison! I mean, I have to murder this apple first before I eat it.

RED GREEN: No, with the steaks, we're doing the humane thing and killing the cow first. {points to Harold's apple} You're eating that apple alive!

{Harold gets a sickly expression and pulls the apple away from him, whimpering.}

Plot Segment 4
{Red enters the Lodge, feeling depressed.}

RED GREEN: Harold, if the people of this community ever find out what we did in the parking lot to that cow, I will never be able to hold my head up high again.

HAROLD GREEN: {shocked} You actually did it, Uncle Red? You did the whole Texas Chainsaw Massacre thing to that poor little defenseless milk maker?

RED GREEN: We chickened out, Harold, every last one of us. {to audience} There wasn't one guy who could look into those big brown eyes and then nail her with a sledgehammer. {Harold smiles.} Guys were sobbing, they got misty-eyed. At one point, Moose Thompson asked the cow to marry him! This is a dark day for the image of Possum Lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I, for one, am very proud of you, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Don't make it worse, Harold. {to audience} I don't know how many vegetarians there are in this country, but I bet most of them work in slaughterhouses. You know, eating meat is like having kids. The less you know about it, the more likely you are to go ahead.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I hope you apologize to Wanda, 'cause that cow's had a very stressful day.

RED GREEN: Oh, you can tell that by the back seat of Stinky's Cadillac.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

Trivia

 * This episode marks the first appearances of Dalton Humphrey, Winston Rothschild, Ben Franklin and Edgar K.B. Montrose.

Real-World References

 * Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune are both famous television game shows that were both created by Merv Griffin.