Bingo Was His Name/Transcript

The complete transcript for Bingo Was His Name

Opening Scene
''{Red climbs up a ladder placed next to a house out beyond the lodge to some eaves troughs on the roof. The roof has both heating coils and Christmas lights cords hanging off the edges.}''

RED GREEN: Here's a little tip for those who live where there's lots of snow. And with El Nino, that's pretty much everybody. Now, to protect the eavestroughs from getting the ice in there, {gestures toward heating coil} you can get these, uh, expensive, kinda special coils, or heating coils, really. They go right onto the roof like that. {taps coil} But I say why bother when you already got Christmas lights up there, huh? After New Year's, get up there, take all your Christmas lights out...

''{Red takes out one light bulb and tosses it on the ground, where it shatters. He then takes out a penny from his pocket.}''

RED GREEN: ...and replace them with pennies. When these things heat up, it'll melt all the ice anyhow, huh? It saves you dollars and makes "cents" (pun on "sense"). You know, you might want to check the fine print on your fire insurance policy before you try this.

{Red starts to stick the penny into the empty light socket, but it zaps him as his body goes rigid from the shock.}

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The Red Green Show! Haw! And now, here's the man whose get-up-and-go got up and went, your host and hero, but my uncle, Red Green!

''{Harold points dramatically to the lodge's front door, which opens. Red walks in, holding a piece of paper. He waves to the camera.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Possum Lodge is about to be declared an official religion.

HAROLD GREEN: {stammering} A religion? Oh, pray tell!

RED GREEN: Oh, come on, Harold. {spreads arms out} Hey, it makes sense, doesn't it? We have weekly meetings, we have members, and we have certain unique beliefs that separate us from the rest of society.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up to Red} And society thanks you for that, but... why... why do you have to be a religion?

RED GREEN: Because that makes us a registered nonprofit organization. {smiles and nudges Harold} See, religions can do things that other clubs can't.

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! What? Perform weddings?

RED GREEN: {holds up index finger} Bingo!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no!

RED GREEN: {nods} Yeah!

HAROLD GREEN: No! Who would want to get married here?! What, you can't walk up the aisle without tripping over dead bears and oily car parts!

RED GREEN: {shakes head} No, no, no...

HAROLD GREEN: What? No, don't!

RED GREEN: Not weddings, Harold, {points finger at Harold} bingo! You know, bingo.

HAROLD GREEN: You're gonna play bingo?

RED GREEN: Bingo. We're gonna make a fortune here, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {still trying to figure it out} You'll charge people to come to Possum Lodge to play bingo?!

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Bingo. {to camera, gesturing toward Harold with thumb} And he thought I was stupid.

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing at Red} Bingo!

RED GREEN: {shakes head in annoyance} Oh, stop! {heads for front lodge door again}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
{Harold stands between Red and Kevin Black at the card table.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today's grand prize allows you to call the sexiest movie star you've ever seen. {giggles} And that grand prize? {holds it up} A shiny new quarter! And playing for this quarter with my uncle Red is Mr. Kevin Black, city slicker turned Possum Laker! Welcome! {picks up sign with word on it} Okay, Mr. Black, you have thirty seconds to get my uncle Red to say this word... {turns word sign around to audience, as Red covers his ears; the word is "Flip"} "Flip". "Flip".

KEVIN BLACK: All right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay. {sets sign down and steps back} And go! {Red uncovers his ears}

KEVIN BLACK: Okay, Mr. Green, uh... Let's say you buy a piece of real estate...

RED GREEN: Overpay.

KEVIN BLACK: No, you're going to sell it for more than you paid for it. Now, what is that called?

RED GREEN: A miracle.

KEVIN BLACK: No. No, all right, let's say you buy something, and then you sell it for a profit before you even have to pay for it. What's that?

RED GREEN: The '80s.

HAROLD GREEN: You're almost out of time, Mr. Black.

KEVIN BLACK: All right, all right, uh, uh... Mr. Green, let's say I buy something, then I immediately sell it for a profit. What have I done?

RED GREEN: Undermined the basic fabric of society.

KEVIN BLACK: {laughs} You're... You're quite hopeless, but I think you know that, and I do believe that quarter should be mine.

RED GREEN: Well, I'll flip you for it.

{Kevin leans forward and rings the bell, ending the game.}

HAROLD GREEN: Very good!

''{Harold reaches his hand out to Kevin with the quarter in his hand. Kevin takes the quarter, while Red reaches his own hand out, asking to take it.}''

Plot Segment 2
''{As Harold sits at a desk, working on the registration form for the lodge's new religion, Red enters, holding a wad of billfolds in his hand. He is quite pleased with himself.}''

RED GREEN: Under the "B": Cash. Under the "I": I'm rich. Under the "N": {glances toward Harold smugly} "N" you thought I was stupid. Under the "G": {holds up money} Gee, look at all the money. And under the "O": Oh, yeah!

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} You made all that money from bingo?!

RED GREEN: Yeah, Harold. We only had two bingos called, so we get to keep the pot, see? Old Man Sedgwick jumped up and yelled, "Ognib!", but his card was upside down. So, how are you doing on the registration form there, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, pretty good, pretty good. {gets up and walks up to Red, holding form and pencil for writing in his hand} The government just has a few more questions about your new religion for their files.

RED GREEN: All right.

HAROLD GREEN: All righty. Uh, they want to know if you have a name for your new religion. I suggested, "God Help Us".

RED GREEN: I don't think so. How about the Sacred Church of the Possum?

HAROLD GREEN: {writing in form} "Sacred Church of the Possum", all right. Do you have a patron saint?

RED GREEN: Saint Bernard.

HAROLD GREEN: {writing again} Uh, how do you feel about life after death?

RED GREEN: Oh, I don't know, Harold. I'll tell you what, I believe in life before death. {chuckles, then points to form} So, you just– I don't care, you fill out any way you want. In fact, you can make yourself a sacrificial virgin, if you feel like it.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} No, I'm gonna be a deacon.

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah, 'cause I'm, you know, like a saintly presence.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: {sticks out pencil like a flashlight} Like an angel that shines a light for all to see. A beacon of hope for the– for the meek and the downtrodden.

RED GREEEN: That's good.

HAROLD GREEN: Haw!

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: I'm gonna call myself "Deacon Beacon".

RED GREEN: {an idea comes to him} Hey, you can answer the phone: {holds up hand like phone} "Don't be freakin', this is Geekin' Deacon Beacon speakin'." {points to Harold} Bingo! {walks off}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies Red by drumming his fingers on a plastic gas can.}

RED GREEN:
 * There's a dampness in the meadow
 * When the old red rooster calls.
 * There's a lot of condensation
 * Where the roof used to join the walls.
 * There's a wetness in my mattress
 * And puddles on the dresser.
 * The lesson here is don't make beer
 * If your tank can't hold the pressure.

Handyman Corner
{Red sits on an upside-down bucket as he skims with some delight through various ads for different cars.}

RED GREEN: Boy, you know, in his lifetime, my dad had a lot of pretty distinctive cars: the old DeSoto there with the big fins on her. {chuckles as he looks at another ad} Oh, gosh, yeah, the big heavy Studebaker. Remember them? Pointed at both ends. Just like Dad. {chuckles again as he looks at another ad} Oh, man, I loved the Corvair. It had the fancy trim on the side. Another dent on the roof every time you flipped her. On these things, the gas mileage was brutal on them there. {puts ads in pants pocket} And the body would rust out every three years on her, and, uh, any collision over ten miles an hour, of course, was fatal. But you just didn't care, you know? {chuckles as he gets to his feet and walks over to a car with its trunk lid open} 'Course, nowadays, the way they're making the cars, they all look the same. This is 'cause they got computers design them, eh, so they're aerodynamic and fuel efficient and all that stuff. {as he continues walking, it is revealed that the car has a canoe on the roof and oars lying against the side} But, hey, after you do a little bit of shopping or maybe pack for a trip or something, that theory goes right out the window. {pushes canoe off of car roof and walks toward car trunk} Of course, the fundamental problem with this is the message that all cars should be the same. How long is it gonna be before they start saying that all people should be the same, eh? {opens trunk lid and takes out a small stepladder} Then a lot of us are in trouble, especially me. {takes out an ironing board out of trunk} To me, people are distinctive individuals and their vehicles should reflect that. {takes Handyman Corner sign out of trunk next} So this week, on Handyman Corner, {walks around to front of car} I'm going to show you how you can customize your car, so that it'll stand out on the road, in the parking lot, and in the police compound. Let's start with the front end. {shows off some garden hose lying on car hood and front of car} See, I kind of got a piece of garden hose. This has been sitting on here, out in the sun, for about three days.

{Red removes the hose from the hood, revealing that it was lying on the hood for so long that it has taken on the shape of the car.}

RED GREEN: And it has actually taken on the shape of the front end of the car, eh? So, now this becomes our pattern, eh? Our jig. So we can cut something out, make a little piece of trim that will go right on and fit perfectly onto the front end of the car. What are we going to use? {sees the canoe he had knocked over and drags it out} Don't get ahead of me now.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the hose to one side of the canoe. He has drawn the car shape from the hose onto the canoe as well.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I got my pattern all traced out on the canoe now. All I have to do is cut her off. {pulls hose off of canoe and then picks up a coping saw} And for that, I'm going to use one of these fancy little coping saws. It's just ideal for cutting curvy lines.

''{Red then starts to cut the line with the coping saw. But it's not cutting at all. He tries to hack at the line vigorously, glancing at the camera in frustration as he does so, but to no avail. Eventually, he gives up and tosses the coping saw aside.}''

RED GREEN: All right, the saw seems to be coping a little better than I am.

''{Red walks off briefly and returns holding a chainsaw. He starts it up and more successfully starts cutting through the line in the canoe. Wipe to a later scene. The canoe is all cut up and the front end is duct-taped on the front of the car. In addition, there are cut-up pieces of buckets duct-taped to the front of the car, covering over the headlights.}''

RED GREEN: Well, she's really starting to take shape, isn't she? {glances toward buckets} And how about this little nifty feature, huh? Hideaway headlights! Actually, these are just pails. Yeah, you cut them out and leave the bottom in there. See, so under normal conditions, the headlight is hidden. But, uh, as you get going, {lifts up bucket, revealing headlight underneath} the wind grabs here and just lifts this baby right up and exposes the headlight, see? So the faster you go, the better you can see, huh? So if you're driving at night and the visibility is not too good, just speed up! {gestures toward duct tape attached to buckets} By the way, these hinges are 100% duct tape. It's called a Himmelman hinge. Uh, Himmelman is actually a lodge member. He was actually by the lodge the other day, but his artificial knees have not worked out so well. In the hot weather, they stick to the inside of his pant legs. {walks toward back of car again} Anyway, speaking of Himmelman, let's do something with the back end.

''{Red takes the stepladder and puts it on the trunk of the car. Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the stepladder to the back of the car and put the ironing board on top, making something of a racecar spoiler.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, this is actually just an ironing board, but I'm using it as a spoiler, eh? {chuckles} I feel spoiled. Well, something's spoiled, that's for sure. {tosses duct tape onto trunk, then points to the oars, which have been duct-taped to the sides of the car} And you see these fins? Canoe paddles! {chuckles} That's all this is. {walks up toward front of car, which has a kid's swing duct-taped across the middle as a rollbar} How about this? See my rollbar here? You know what this is? {looks to his left and right briefly} It's a kid's swing, huh? It's amazing what a person can do. You know something that bugs me too about the new cars? They come with no chrome on them, huh? Fully loaded! No chrome! None. I don't go for that. So I'm going to add some chrome to this baby. {reaches into car and takes some shiny strips of Mylar} And you can get a tape like it's kind of a Mylar or... I'm not exactly sure what it's called, but it's like duct tape, only silverier. {turns to car with Mylar} Just lay it down...

''{Red starts putting the Mylar onto the car. Wipe to a later scene. Red is seated in the driver's seat of the car. The Mylar has been cut up into small strips and placed all along the sides of the car, with the sunlight reflecting off of it onto the camera.}''

RED GREEN: Boy, there's nothing like chrome to create an image, eh? I bet this is burning a pretty good image into that TV camera. And that's just how easy it is to let people know that you're different. You're not one of them. It'll make you feel good, and it'll make them feel even better. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome... {turns the key in the ignition; engine sputters briefly before finally starting} they should at least find you handy. {drives off in his new, customized car}

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you guys who are going to face a problem when you get older. I'm not talking about extra ear and nose hair. {shakes head} I'm talking about the inability to remember special occasions. The day will come when suddenly you realize that last year you forgot her birthday, your anniversary, Valentine's Day, and Christmas. {holds up both hands} Now, I know, nobody remembers your special occasions, do they, eh? Opening day of bass season? Anybody buy you a bag of worms? {shakes head} You can live with their insensitivity, but they can't handle yours. And right now you're thinking, wasn't it about a year ago you got into trouble for something or other? {nods} You know what that means? You got a special occasion coming up, don't you? And you have no idea what it is, do you? {shakes head} Well, neither do I. {holds up index finger} But here's what you do: go out now and buy a gift, now, all right? Wrap it up, hide it in the garage, now. Get a flowery card that just says "I love you" on it, all right? {folds hands together} Now, just wait around for the day in question. You'll be able to tell because she'll be ticked off with you. She'll get into the sighing, tapping her foot on the floor, saying stuff like, "You know, I could have married any of your friends!" What you do then, go get the gift, bring it out, just yell, "Surprise!" "Surprise," like that. It will make you look like a hero; you might even get to sleep in your own bed. And maybe not right away! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{Red stands nervously, rubbing his nose as he does, while Harold, who is talking on the phone, hangs up and walks up to his uncle, pointing at him accusingly.}

HAROLD GREEN: You are in such trouble, mister!

RED GREEN: {to Harold, holding both hands} Just stay calm, Harold, all right? {to camera, wringing hands togehter} We had a little technicality on the lodge being an organized religion. Probably need to be a bit more organized, I guess.

HAROLD GREEN: {incredulously} Y-Yeah?! Government says you're not even a religion! Says you're not even a pagan ritual! And you gotta have a gaming license to run a bingo. {sadly} Now we all got to go jail and eat bland food and marry our own gender! {groans, while Red scratches his ear}

RED GREEN: No, no, no...

HAROLD GREEN: {overlapping} Yes, yes!

RED GREEN: Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: What?!

RED GREEN: Don't panic, okay? We're not done yet. {Harold whimpers} I had... I had a meeting with the church elders. We sacrificed a couple of beers. And, uh, we came up with a plan, what we call our holy doctrine.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, okay, okay...

RED GREEN: The government boys are coming tonight to look at our bingo game. All we gotta do is convince them that it's actually a church service.

HAROLD GREEN: {grimaces} Oh! How're ya gonna do that?

RED GREEN: Well, uh we got sinners; that's a good start.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, we got those.

RED GREEN: We figure we'll have some confessions. You know how the guys love to brag. All we need now is just a sermon to top that off, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you're not telling your story about the bird and the manure again, are you?

RED GREEN: Oh, no, no, not me, Harold. You're the deacon; you'll be doing the ceremony.

HAROLD GREEN: {shocked} ME?!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: No way!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: No!

RED GREEN: Yes.

HAROLD GREEN: Uh-uh! No, no, no!

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Yes, yes, yes.

HAROLD GREEN: I've excommunicated myself from this cult!

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, you should have thought of that before you took your vows, young man. {puts his hand on Harold's shoulder and walks with him to the door} Don't worry, I can help you. We'll be fine.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Uncle Red, we're gonna be able to fake out these government people!

RED GREEN: Sure we are, Harold. They're from the tax department; they've never been to church either.

{Red opens the door and they both walk out.}

The Experts
{Harold, Red and Ranger Gord are sitting around a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show. This is the part of the program where we like to examine those three little words that men find hard to say: {gestures toward audience}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} That's good! {takes envelope} And joining my uncle today is {gestures toward Gord} Ranger Gord.

''{Gord salutes the audience as they applaud. He then crosses his fingers. Harold takes the letter out of the envelope.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, here we go, letter number one: {reads} "Dear Experts, Ranger Gord is the best person on your show. He is down to earth, yet uncommonly brilliant." {looks up, somewhat confused, while Gord looks on smugly} "All the women in Possum Lake must be crazy for him."

RED GREEN: Oh, {shakes head} Gord doesn't need anybody to be crazy for him.

RANGER GORD: I think there's more there, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, uh... {resumes reading} "There is no one better than Ranger Gord on the show, is there?"

RANGER GORD: No, I don't think so. Uh, I doubt it. Um... Red, what's you're feeling on that?

RED GREEN: {suspiciously} Who wrote that letter, Harold?

{Harold hands the letter to Red, who looks at it closely.}

RED GREEN: Okay, not really the perfect crime, Gord. Maybe you shouldn't have signed it. {hands letter back to Harold}

RANGER GORD: {twiddles thumbs} You know, that's not necessarily my letter, Red. Some deranged person may have wrote it and put my name to it.

RED GREEN: That's exactly what I'm saying.

Talking Animals
{Red walks into the lodge, leaving the door open behind him, and walks up to where Ed Frid is standing behind a wicker basket.}

RED GREEN: This is a special feature of the show we call "You and Your Animal", hosted by local animal control officer Ed Frid. {turns to Ed} Welcome, Ed.

ED FRID: {nodding toward Red} Red. {nods nervously}

RED GREEN: I'll tell you, the, uh, the youngsters love these animals segments. So, what did you bring for us today?

ED FRID: A couple creatures.

RED GREEN: All right, yeah.

ED FRID: Uh... Uh, first, uh, a snake.

RED GREEN: Wow! Hey, I'm impressed, Ed. I thought you were afraid of snakes.

ED FRID: Oh, yeah.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

ED FRID: But I don't let on, eh. Okay, so this is the largest snake we get in North America, okay? This is an indigo snake. And, boy... {timidly removes lid from basket while whimpering} Have we got a big specimen. {slowly raises his hands to reach into basket} Wait till you see the size of this baby.

''{Ed reaches both of his hands into the basket and feels around for the snake inside. Red tries look over Ed's shoulder to see what's going on. But Ed feels nothing. Confused, he peeks into the basket and holds it upside-down, still feeling around inside. He looks somewhat relieved.}''

ED FRID: Well, I guess I forgot to bring him.

{Suddenly, Red notices with concern something unusual in Ed's clothing.}

RED GREEN: Ed, there's, uh... something– something moving under your shirt, there. {points} Is there any chance the snake got inside your shirt at all?

''{Ed opens his shirt slightly as Red leans in for a closer look. They both react in shock when Ed notices that sure enough, the snake is on Ed's body underneath his shirt. Ed has a look of both disgust and alarm.}''

ED FRID: {raising arms} I don't like the way this is going!

RED GREEN: All right, all right. You know what, you know what? We'll use a little bit of bait. Uh, what do they eat?

ED FRID: Mice! Little, furry, warm mice.

RED GREEN: {holding up a small piece of cheese} Okay, I got a piece of cheese. {puts it on the floor} I'll put that down. Now, look, we'll get him to go down out... Just stay still. Can you stand still?

ED FRID: Yeah! Oh, yeah. {freezes, eyes widened}

RED GREEN: I can't believe you didn't notice you had a snake in your shirt, Ed!

ED FRID: Well, you know, you get busy. I can't be checking my clothes for snakes every five minutes, but... but I think I might start.

{Red bends down and manages to grab the snake.}

RED GREEN: I got him, I got him! Oh, god! I got him!

''{Red runs out the open door with the snake in his hand, while Ed sputters and shudders from the whole ordeal. Then Red comes back in, closing the door as he does so.}''

RED GREEN: All right, uh... I guess, uh... I guess that's the end of that segment, is it?

ED FRID: {holding up a glass jar} I brought a tarantula.

''{Ed holds up the jar to Red, who notices that it's completely empty. Ed is confused at first. Suddenly, he starts jerking around again as he feels, presumably, the tarantula crawling around on him. He kicks his leg out trying to shake the tarantula off.}''

Plot Segment 4
''{Red and Harold enter the lodge, looking upset. Harold is wearing his deacon outfit, which is in tatters.}''

RED GREEN: Man, that was religious persecution, there's no question about it. Unbelievable.

HAROLD GREEN: {anguished} I can't believe the god-fearing lodge members attacked a man of the cloth!

RED GREEN: Well, your sermon didn't help, Harold. You know, you don't warm up a congregation by calling them "the Spawn of Satan"!

HAROLD GREEN: You didn't help matters either with your phony commandments: "Thou shalt not tip"!

RED GREEN: I...I just thought the bingo thing was a great idea.

HAROLD GREEN: {scoffs} Under the "R": Wrong!

RED GREEN: {holds out hand} All right, Harold. I was out of line, but you have to forgive me.

HAROLD GREEN: {stammers} Why?!

RED GREEN: It's your job; you're the freakin' deacon! {laughs}

''{Red laughs and Harold reacts in disgust. Then the "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time

RED GREEN: {pointing to the basement door} Yeah, you go ahead, Your Worship. I'll be right down.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. {goes down into the basement}

RED GREEN: {looking into camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I– I think I'm in need of a miracle. Perhaps a laying-on of hands. {to audience} And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red waves and walks toward the basement stairs. Wipe to the Lodge Basement. Red walks down the stairs and heads toward the front of the meeting, where Harold is. Everyone is standing around.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, he's here! Sit down! Sit down. {everyone sits down} He likes it best when everybody's sitting for the meeting. {Red takes his place at the front of the meeting} All rise.

{Everyone rises to their feet and puts their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down.

{Everyone except Harold sits back down.}

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at clipboard} Okay, we just got a quick announcement here, okay? Now that we're no longer a religion– Haw! –you must cease and desist on the practice of taking every Friday and Monday off as religious holidays. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays are still on, though. {everyone applauds}