Stupid Cupid/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

If you're a

married man you know

there are certain times when

your wife wants you

to fall asleep

and certain times

when she doesn't.

In the bedroom,

for example,

falling asleep is

almost always encouraged.

But in the living room,

you know, when you're

watching oprah together,

or your wife's in

the middle of discussing

your much-needed

behavior modification,

falling asleep

is not so good.

So what I've done is

customized my favourite chair,

so it's gonna

help keep me awake

whenever I'm being criticized

or a relative drops over.

See, this here's

a car battery.

I've got that wired into

what was left of my

windshield wiper

after the carwash

got done with it.

Okay, so now I just

hook up the battery,

and I've got the whole

system wired through

this clothes peg,

kind of a deadman switch.

So as long as I'm awake,

I'm squeezing the peg --

so to speak --

and the whole unit

is shut off.

But as soon as I fall

asleep and start relaxing,

the windshield

wiper comes on,

and starts poking me

in the back and wakes me up.

Okay, let's have a little

demonstration here.

I'll just sit here

until I fall asleep.

Let's see.

What could make me drowsy?

Oh, I know.

Get the cameraman there

to talk about having

his colours done.

[ snoring ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Oh, I appreciate that.

Well, big, big week at

the lodge this week.

Yeah, we actually support

a local charity

that's looking for a cure

for male pattern baldness.

Last night they had

their annual charity dance.

It's called the hair ball.

I tell you, people

really cough up the cash.

Uncle red.

Okay, did you notice

last night at the party

I was the only

person without a date?

No, mike didn't

have a date.

That woman was

his parole officer.

Even still, you know,

everyone around here

either has a girlfriend

or a wife or something.

Except me.

What's wrong with me?

It's only a half-hour

show, harold.

Well, have you asked

any of the girls out

around here?

There's plenty of

them in the area.

Yes!

I asked everyone.

But you know what's weird?

On Friday nights

every girl in this area

either washes her hair

or does her laundry.

I'm very concerned

what all that soap run-off

is going to do

to the ecosystem.

Well, maybe you should

go to where you can

meet girls,

like go to the

laundromat or the

shampoo store.

Yeah, I've even got

a better idea than that.

Is that our local

yellow pages?

Yeah, both of 'em.

Look at this...

Video dating service.

Yeah, you make a

video tape of yourself,

talking about yourself,

and then you send it to this

company, right, videomate.

And that way,

your prospective date,

she gets to hear and see me

before she meets me.

Okay, but you're saying that

like it's a good thing.

[ laughter ]

don't be so negative.

Your generation didn't

have video dating,

and look at all the horrible

mistakes they made.

That's ridiculous.

Who told you that?

Aunt bernice.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

uh, tonight's winner will

receive this coupon

for two hours alone

with a finicky lawn mower

and a 10-pound

sledge hammer.

No questions asked.

Okay, cover your ears.

And now mr. Green

you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton

to say this word...

Yeah,

all right, mike.

And... Go!

Okay, dalton,

your clothes, your shoes,

the car you drive are all

part of your personal...

Commitment

to recycling.

No, no, no.

I'm talking about --

well, like your hair.

It looks that way because

of your special...

Uh, uh, vacuum

cleaner attachment!

No, okay.

Okay, okay.

Let's say you were gonna

take ann marie on a

world cruise.

So you bought a whole new

wardrobe of cruise wear.

You've got the best

state room on the

whole ship,

and you did everything

first class all the way.

People would say, dalton,

you're really going in...

Sane!

Almost outta

time, mr. Green.

Yeah, okay.

Dalton, ann marie likes

to go shopping all the time

because she wants

to stay in...

Debt.

The woman spends money like

it's goin' outta style.

There we go!

[ ♪ ]

hey! Red green!

What a big surprise!

You asked me to

come here, gord.

I know, but I like

making a big fuss

over my visitors.

That way they

might stay longer.

What do you like

having for breakfast?

A conversation

with my wife.

Right. Okay.

Message taken.

Absolutely.

With ranger gord there's

no strings attached.

You're free to come

and go as you please.

Oh, please don't go!

[ weeping ]

okay. Okay.

Yeah, please.

Let's sit down.

What did you want to

talk to me about, gord?

Yeah, right.

About my new career.

That's what I wanted

to talk to you about.

Red, when you think

about me and my life,

what's the biggest mistake

you think I've made?

Well, there's so many

to choose from, gord.

No, being an

employee.

Okay, that's the big one,

but no more.

I've decided

to go freelance.

A freelance

forest ranger?

Oh, sure, sure.

Absolutely.

Forest fires can spoil

almost any social event,

weddings,

bar mitzvahs,

ever been a forest fire

at a bar mitzvah?

Not yet,

but why take the chance?

And there's plenty

of other opportunities...

Strip malls,

retirement villages.

I mean, come on, red,

old people with barbecues?

Whoo!

Here's my new

business card.

"ranger gord,

freelance forest ranger.

"where there's

smoke there's gord."

I was hoping you could

pass that out to everybody.

Well, do you have

any more of them?

I did,

but they burned.

Yeah, I was hoping you

could read the information

and then pass it on, kind of

like a chain business card.

But there's no phone

number on here, gord.

Yeah, red, I don't

have a phone.

Okay, uh, you know,

you may need to rethink

this whole thing.

Like, what is your

income right now?

Oh, gee, do you need

an exact amount?

No, just

ballpark it.

Okay, uh...

Zero.

Uh-huh. Okay.

So any additional freelance

income that you make

is gonna put you in

a higher tax bracket.

Right.

Okay, so I'm

getting from you

that you think I'm better off

if I stay in the tower.

Gord, you stay in the tower,

everybody's better off.

[ applause ]

you know, around here we get

our drinking water from

possum lake.

Years ago that

never bothered me.

But of course, back then you

could get a six-pack

for only $1.79.

So this time on

handyman corner,

I'm gonna show you how

you can make your own water.

Okay, we're gonna

start with rain water

coming right off the roof.

This is pure,

unpolluted water

coming straight

from heaven.

All we gotta do is

filter out the leaves

and the bird feathers

and the moldy chestnuts.

And boil her all up,

and we're beatin' the system.

Okay, first thing you wanna

do is take off your downspout.

Cut a slot in her,

down at the one end.

That's your first stage

filtration right there.

To catch the

finer stuff...

Pantyhose.

Not just for

hold-ups anymore.

Oh, I got a run.

Okay, now you would

just run your downpipe

just right off the end

of the building there,

but I put this

extension on ours,

because there's a

wet spot over there

and what looks like moose

thompson's footprints.

I just --

okay, what I'm gonna

do now then

is just jam this up in here.

And that takes care

of our filtration unit.

Now we need something that

will catch the water and

then distill it.

I wanted something

small and portable

that had the same

engineering sophistication

as those high end water

purification plants

they use in the larger

metropolis areas.

And I think I've done it.

[ chuckles ]

oh, yeah, metal container here

gonna catch my filtered

rain water;

barbecue makes it boil;

and the wagon

makes it portable.

Now I just need

it to rain.

[ thunder crashes ]

okay so I'm standing out in

front of the lodge

waiting for the

rain to stop

so I can test my

drinking water,

and this smart guy dropped

50 cents in my tin cup.

[ change jingling ]

people are so cheap.

Okay, let's see what

we've got here.

[ searing sound ]

oh, it's hot.

It's like a flavoured tea.

Kind of a shingle/pekoe.

I'm sure you can

get used to it.

But the main point is that

you're providing something

for yourself

and your family

that you know

is completely safe.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome --

(discouraged)

they should at least

find you handy.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

any of you guys with a full

healthy head of hair

might want to ignore

this part.

But for the rest of us,

I wanna talk a little

bit about bald spots.

You can never be fully

prepared for a bald spot.

They kinda creep

up on you.

And they come

up from behind,

so you're usually the

last one to even find out.

And I believe

that a bald spot

is some alien life form

of some type.

It's a lot more sensitive

than the rest of your skin.

I mean, it sunburns

real easy.

It's the first thing

that feels cold or rain.

It's the first thing to

sweat if you're in trouble

or eating mexican food

or both.

I think it's because it's a

lot younger than the rest

of your skin.

I mean, everything else

is maybe 50 years old,

but your bald spot's only been

around for the last three.

That's why it's

so smooth and perky.

So instead of thinking

of a bald spot

as an embarrassing

sign of

old age and

rampant decay.

Why don't you

think of it as sexy?

They say hair loss is from

having too much testosterone,

so that's a

pretty good start.

I've already established

that it's smooth and

real sensitive.

So I'm suggesting

that a bald spot

is the ultimate

erogenous zone,

a powerful love badge

that's only given

to the most manly of men.

There.

Now do you feel

better about your bald spot?

Me neither.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in

this together.

When the air at your

place gives you the bends;

when you've lost all contact

with family and friends;

I have a truck that

pumps as it mends.

'cause this is where

the food chain ends.

Okay, I'm ready for

my close-up, people.

Let's go!

This is the only tape

I could find, harold.

That camera's some kind of

discontinued, one-off format.

"theta-max

videotape.

"made in

portuguese macau."

okay, well,

all you've gotta do

is provide the

lights and the camera,

and I'll provide

the act-shun!

Here we go.

Red: Okay.

And... Camera's on.

Action, harold.

I said,

action, harold. Go!

I am going.

This pause is part

of my video.

Not a good

idea, harold.

You're giving her

time to change her mind.

[ affected british accent ]

oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't hear

you come in.

Well, I just came in.

I was just talking to you.

I just came upstairs --

not you!

My date!

[ affected british accent ]

please, please forgive my

technical assistant.

Non-union.

Allow me to

introduce myself.

I'm harold green.

And might I say you look

lovely this evening

and/or day.

That it?

Harold: No! Shh!

I'm listening to what

the young, lovely,

fun-loving, non-smoking

lady has to say.

[ affected british accent ]

hm, oh, you want

to come closer?

Uh, got a bad

wheel here, harold.

Hang on.

Okay,

there we go.

[ affected accent ]

oh, closer? Well!

Certainly, come closer.

Oh, I don't know,

harold.

I'm not sure the camera

can grab all those teeth.

Closer! Closer!

Harold, we're getting a lot

of light off those molars.

We're pinning

the needle here.

Call me! Call me!

Call me!

Call 911 !

Red: Needed to put a

signpost up behind the lodge.

So we agreed to all

meet around there.

A few extra

things in the van.

But then the signpost

was in there.

Dalton, he grabbed

he pickaxe.

We needed that to

kind of dig the hole.

And I grabbed the post, and

she was snagged on something,

so I asked dalton to

maybe give me a hand there.

Let's horse her outta there.

So I'm not sure what it was

caught on at that point.

Then I realised it was

actually caught on walter.

And winston was

supposed to be --

but he had fallen asleep at

the switch, so to speak,

so winston's just got a --

it's just a matter of

waking him up.

You don't get much sleep

in the sewage business.

So he just clips that on.

And then you know the ground

around the lodge is very odd.

There's hard spots,

and there's soft spots,

and there's kind of in

between kind of clay stuff.

So you know, you just

kind of take your chances.

So winston picked a spot,

and he got into it,

but he'd get it down

to a certain point,

but he couldn't get

it all the way in,

so walter gave him

a little hand on that.

So I'm thinking,

you know what?

Let's just try

another spot.

Maybe there's a

softer spot here.

Okay, that's a

little too hard.

Then dalton figures he

would try a pickaxe.

The trouble with that is you

don't know what's down there.

And I'm guessing some

kind of buried cable.

And, yeah.

Absolutely right.

So then we've gotta

get that outta there.

I'm telling winston,

go back and get

the possum van.

We'll pull it

out with that.

So winston noticed

the breaker had tripped,

so he just --

uh, not the best idea.

But he did get

the van there,

and we hooked that up

to the end of the cable.

And the idea is we were

just gonna pull her

right out of the ground that

way, using the possum van.

So, uh, I went and got in the

van there, and just --

I don't like to

look back in life.

That was unfortunate.

So then I thought,

if I back up and take

a run at it,

as I do with most

things in my life,

I thought perhaps that

would work a little better.

But what happened there

was all I was doing there

was actually pulling on the

cable instead of --

and it was pulling the hydro

pole down into the ground

and then up through hole that

the cable come up through.

And of course the guys were

noticing and trying

to stop me

before we got into

any real kind of trouble.

Now, I say you can always

find a positive side

to everything.

I'm thinking,

wait a second.

We don't need

to put up a signpost.

We've already got the post.

Just take the sign

off that one,

stick her on the hydro pole,

and it really serves

the purpose which is...

"call before you dig."

[ ♪ ]

we've all seen these

motion detector units

that turn the lights

on when you come home

after dark so you can see

where your kid left his bike.

The problem is they do the

same thing for burglars.

They turn the lights on

when they're sneaking

around after dark.

So they get to see where

your kid left his bike.

Then of course,

some people overreact

by getting bear

traps or land mines

or some kind of

homemade nuclear device.

I guess the sensible thing

would be to get a guard dog.

But then you gotta feed it

and take care of it

and make sure it

knows who you are.

Well, I got a better idea.

I got one of these

high-pitched whistles

that can only be heard by

dogs and unmarried librarians,

and I attached it

to an air compressor.

Now, instead of just

the light coming on, see,

every time a

burglar goes by,

this is gonna kick

on the compressor,

which will wake up every dog

in the tri-county area.

Huh? See?

You don't need money,

as long as you have --

[ dogs barking ]

when the grass in the back's

growing higher and higher;

when the smoke alarm's

screaming,

but there's nothing on fire;

send me an e-mail,

a card or a wire.

I'm quick

and I'm dirty,

but I'm always for hire.

Well, I didn't have much

luck fixing harold's tape

for the video tape

dating ser --

I think he should

just submit it like that.

It pretty much represents

his personality.

Hello, uncle red.

I hope those flowers

aren't for me, harold.

No, they're

for my date.

I went with a computer

dating service instead.

Yeah, it's called

love is blind.

Yeah. Yeah.

So you just give a

short bio of yourself,

and then they match you up

with someone with similar

interests.

I think it's

way better.

Video doesn't

flatter me.

No, life doesn't

flatter you, harold.

So shouldn't you

be leaving?

No, no, no.

They're sending my

date here to the lodge.

Get this description.

Listen to this.

"attractive,

"self-employed,

ambitious, creative..."

[ knock at door ]

early.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

Don't freak out,

harold, okay?

Freak out, harold.

[ cheers and applause ]

winston?

Harold?

I don't understand.

That computer was supposed

to set me up with my

perfect match.

[ together ]

"my ideal date...

"nice dinner,

"a good movie,

"and a little stimulating

conversation."

well, you guys

better get going,

if you're hoping to

catch the early movie.

You are so

buying the popcorn.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time, uncle red.

Yeah, thanks,

harold.

You go

have fun, eh?

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And harold is right.

Love is blind.

By the time he

gets finished with it,

it will have lost

all its faculties.

Speaking of which I don't

think I've ever felt

so wide awake.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down, everybody.

Sit down, everyone.

Have a seat there.

That's the way.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

That was kind of

a short date.

Yeah, winston had to leave

for an emergency call.

So he left you for

a younger load.

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