The Big Retreat/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know what this is?

It's called

a skeet thrower.

It's for hunters who only

like birds that fly in

a straight line.

This would have been real

handy when I had my

paper route.

But that's just my

creative side coming out,

bernice hates that.

But hey, I've got an even

better use for this thing,

every man's dream,

an automatic

beverage dispenser.

See when I'm out

on the lake fishing,

the drinks'll get

warm in the sun

but if keep the cooler

cool in the shade

I've got to bring

the boat back in

every time I need a drink.

So in an eight-hour day,

that's only going to leave

about 12 minutes for fishing

but this rig keeps them cold

and then when I feel

a thirst coming on,

I justl on

the trigger line

and the unit will deliver

the drinks right to me.

When mohammed can't come

to the mountain dew,

the mountain dew has

to come to mohammed.

See, I cut a hole in

the bottom of the cooler

and lay the

cans on their side

so they'll roll

out one at a time

and then I've got

this bungee cord

to reset the mechanism

after each toss.

And my trigger line

serves a dual purpose,

I ran it through an eyelet

on the front of the thrower

so as I move

around the lake,

the unit stays

aimed right at me.

You're probably as

impressed with me as I am.

Man, I'm getting thirsty,

oh... Waiter...

Perfect.

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Big, big week up at

the lodge this week.

You know they have those

companies that put on seminars

for people who like to spend

all their time figuring out

how come they never

get anything done?

Well, apparently

they're sending

a bunch of them up

here to possum lodge.

I mean, I always think

that self-help companies

are a waste of money

but it's fine if they're

going to waste it here.

Oh, uncle red,

this is so exciting!

[ cheers and applause ]

boy oh boy!

Aren't you excited?

This is so exciting!

These are very successful

people that are coming up

here, you know.

Yeah, these are

movers and shakers.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Movers and shakers,

losers and fakers,

harold.

Who cares as long as

the cheque clears?

Boy, these are the top

ceo's in the country.

I'll finally have

someone to talk to.

Well that'll be good

for all of us, harold.

Hey, you know, if

these are high rollers

maybe I should get in

a couple of kegs and

a bunch of cigars

and set a room full

of poker tables.

Oh, no, no, no, they're

here to explore nature.

Well, those things

are my nature, harold.

You know, I'm just thinking

that maybe I should spend

a fair whack of time

with these guys.

I mean, these guys

are winners, harold.

Around here, that's an

endangered species.

That's very true.

Red?

Yeah?

They're here.

The ceo's, the

movers and shakers?

Yeah, I guess.

Okay, well, go tell them

I'm going to crack

open the bar

and we'll go down and

have a skinny dip, okay?

Maybe you better

tell them.

[ laughter ]

they're women!

They're women!

Woo-hoo!

This is excellent!

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

today's winner receives

this coupon for a free visit

to crazy lu's super-competitive

discount save-a-torium.

Where the motto is,

if you can find a cheaper

price anywhere else,

we'll go over there and buy

it before you get a chance to

and then we'll sell it

to you for our price.

Okay, cover

your ears, winston.

Mr. Green, you have 30 seconds

to get winston rothschild

to say this word...

Yeah, all right.

All right, mike.

And go!

Okay, winston, what do you

think of when I say first?

Rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Okay, okay, okay,

try this: Number two.

Rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Okay, no, okay, okay.

What do you call the place

between first and third?

Pitcher's mound?

No, okay.

Remember dalton was

having a few problems

when he first

married anne-marie

and he came to you and said

he was having certain

kinds of thoughts?

Suicidal.

Okay, no.

If you got to

a lodge meeting

and somebody puts

a motion on the floor,

what's the next step?

I clean it up.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, no.

Your cousin is

your first cousin

but what's his son called?

Oh, uncle helen.

We're almost out

of time, mr. Green.

Yeah, okay,

let's go another way.

There are 60 of these

in every minute.

Septic overflows.

That's why I'm so busy.

I'm thinking about

getting a second truck.

There we go!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

You're the man!

Welcome to

talking to animals.

A special treat today is

local animal control officer

ed frid is bringing us

another interesting animal,

the cardboard box.

Completely wrong

as always, red.

No, I was

just being funny.

Wrong again.

Okay, okay.

This box contains a very

rare jumping frog from

the amazon jungle.

These frogs are

excellent jumpers.

You're a pretty good

jumper yourself, ed.

I think he's

just hungry.

I didn't want to

overfeed him

because there's holes

in the bottom of the box

and I just had

my truck cleaned.

Don't ever transport

a wild turkey

in the front seat

of your vehicle...

Especially around thanksgiving.

No, I can see that.

So what does a

jumping frog eat?

Oh, flies.

Yeah, yeah, I always

keep a few on me.

Oh, now you got something

to feed them to.

Rather than desperately

trying to be funny,

why don't you hold

the box for me.

Oh, yeah,

all right, sure.

All right,

careful, careful.

They love flies.

To this frog, each fly

is like a filet mignon.

Oh yeah, I never

had a filet mignon

but I love frog legs.

Wow!

Watch out! Easy, easy.

Put him down, put him down!

Okay, he's settling down.

Okay, he'll be okay

for a few moments.

Okay, boy, he's got some

strong let muscles that guy.

Oh yeah.

Then when they see a live

fly they go really nuts!

That's why I

only use dead ones.

[ buzzing ]

oh, they're not all dead.

I'll distract the frog,

you shoo the fly away.

Mr. Frog! Hello!

Look over here!

Oh!

Ooo, ooh!

Got him,

got him, got him!

Okay, hold him,

don't let go.

I don't think

he's in there, ed.

Well, where is he?

What?

[ frog croaking ]

shh, shh, shh.

I think he's

in your pants!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh!

Well, he said

they love flies.

When you're young

you can't sit still

because there's a great

big world out there

just waiting for you.

When you get older

you can't sit still either

but that's

just the hemorrhoids.

The point is, men don't like

to sit still for too long.

Like when you're

driving in the car

and all of a sudden

you get a charley-horse

and your leg flies up,

knocks your coffee over

spills into the

ignition wires,

you've got

yourself a car fire.

I wish I had a nickel for

every time that's happened.

So when you're on a

trip wouldn't it be great

to be able to stand up

once in a while?

The answer is yes.

Real men do lots

of things standing up.

What we need to do

is maximize the leg room

and then convert some of

that leg room into head room.

That's not going to do it.

I took the back seat out

and moved the driver's seat

away from the steering wheel.

The downside is, you now

have less room for passengers.

The upside is, you now

have less room for passengers.

That gives us enough floor

space for standing up

but we'll move

the seat forward

so that we can start from

the sitting position

and then just

slide her back

when the sciatica

starts acting up.

Okay, we have a couple

of choices here.

You could put blocks

on the pedals

like your dad did

with your tricycle

or you could hire

an ex-basketball player

as your chauffeur.

I'm going to go with plan a.

Now we need to

check the headroom.

You want the roof to be

at least six inches

above your head

especially if you

have potholes.

I'm going to need another

two-and-a-half feet

of headroom,

but here again, I only

need the extra height

when I'm standing up.

So what I need is some type

of retractable hydraulic lift.

Where am I going to find

something like that?

Oh wait...

Now I'll just

cut the roof off

and mount it on

those trunk lifts.

With a brain this big,

you need extra headroom.

Great, cordless saw.

Maybe I should have done

this with a convertible

but we're good to go.

I've got my roof mounted

on my trunk-raising mechanism

so now, when I get

tired of sitting,

I just slap her

into cruise control,

slide the seat back and press

the trunk release button,

which is my way of

raising the roof.

Then I just stand up until

the feeling comes back

into my legs.

Now, I was going to wear

sunglasses to keep the

bugs out of my eyes

but I put them in the trunk

and it doesn't

open anymore.

Other than that, we're

ready for a test drive.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I'm looking forward

to a long trip

but there was a time

I wouldn't stand for it.

[ applause ]

I need to talk to you

guys about a milestone

a lot of us have reached.

You know, milestones

are like kidney stones.

You just got to close your

eyes, bite your lip

and let them pass.

I'm guessing that by now

you're getting a little

long in the tooth

and chances are,

it's not even your tooth.

At this time in our

lives, like it or not,

we have to start

looking dapper.

We have to wear nice clothes

and we have to keep

them clean and pressed.

You no longer look good

in a baggy sweatshirt.

That's because you are

a baggy sweatshirt.

Those folds and

flaps are you.

So now your clothes have

got to always be neat

and completely

wrinkle-free.

Beauticians say that your

full-length fully-clothed

appearance

should never contain

more than 150 wrinkles.

Your forehead covers that.

So get a hat to

cover your forehead.

The sad truth is that

old guys have to dress

better than young guys.

Just accept it.

I suggest you wear a

shirt and tie at breakfast,

a three-piece suit when

you're washing the car

and a tuxedo when

you go to church.

Look at the bright side,

every day you're getting

a little closer to

your own funeral.

It'll save

the kids a bundle

if you're already

dressed for it.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

if you need to get

your septic bed moved,

call me soon.

If you need to get your

septic bed to stop moving,

call me now.

Yeah but I don't know why

they can't just leave

things the way they are.

Well, around here,

the way things are

doesn't mean that's

the way they should be.

Boy, everybody

tries to change me.

Take that as a hint.

So we've got these women

senior managers up here

and it's

driving me crazy.

I mean, I spend all day

restocking the fridge

with bottled water

and then going around to

make sure all the toilet

seats are down.

I think there's

a connection.

Well, they're very friendly

and they're polite.

You know, they've made

a huge difference to

the whole lodge.

They cleaned up all the car

parts off the front porch.

I didn't know we had

a view of the lake.

But they're not

supposed to be here

to wreck my world, harold.

I mean, this is a retreat.

Yes, it is and

you should retreat.

No, I just need to

re-group, that's all.

I'm going to get a chance

to do that this afternoon

'cause dalton

has rented a bus.

He's going to take

the ladies on a tour

of the area.

Oh, that'll

be very nice.

I think it'll

work all right.

[ cheers and applause ]

can I help you?

I think it's dalton!

Yes, it is.

I cleaned out my car

and I found my comb.

Boy, these woman are

changing you, aren't they?

Yes, they are.

You know and

I kind of like it.

I enjoy having them around.

It makes me feel

almost bubbly.

You don't seem

yourself at all.

Yes, I know.

Yes, anne-marie

noticed that too.

She gave me kind of a

funny look at breakfast

this morning

so I'm going to save

my energy all day

just in case.

Well, see you

boys later.

Where are you taking

the ladies, mr. Humphrey?

To my store.

I've got a free

gift and a corsage

for anyone who

spends over $200.

You know, some

of the ladies say

I look a little bit

like jack nicholson.

Boy, they're really

getting to you,

aren't they?

Red, they make me want

to be a better salesman.

Red: Bill had decided to

spend a day out on the lake

in a little home-made

boat that he made.

He tied her up not

only to the dock

but apparently

to his own leg.

Away you go, all right.

And a little picnic

area we have

down near the edge

of the water there.

Bill was taking all of it.

Bill doesn't like to

make a lot of trips

so he likes to try to

take everything at once.

I mean that's the plan.

It doesn't all make it

to the destination.

Bill hasn't grasped the

concept of gravity just yet.

So by the time he gets

down to the dock

there's not too much left

but at least he can go

fishing, you know.

So he jumps into the boat

and he's going to get

ready to paddle off

and he notices the oars --

the oars are gone, bill.

No oars.

Doesn't quite know

what happened there

but don't

worry about it.

Just go get a paddle.

Go on get a paddle,

all right.

Away you go.

You know, sometimes you can

be looking for something

and you can't see it and it

jumps straight up

and bites you.

Okay, there's your paddle.

Now he goes back.

Now at least you can get

going, get your day

of fishing in.

And he sits down.

Now he's got no seat

in the boat.

So he's starting to think,

what the heck is going

on around here?

Things are like,

disappearing like crazy.

Well, you got a lawn chair,

go get a lawn chair.

You got to adapt in life.

You've got to go with the flow.

Oh, oh, oh...

All right, that'll be fine.

You can sit on that.

You've got your paddle.

You should be fine.

So he jumps in the boat and...

Now we've got no

floor in the boat

so now he goes back,

gets the cooler

and now when he comes

down to the dock,

he sees that the sides

and the transom are

missing from the boat

and he's so struck with that

that he doesn't notice the

whole dock is also missing.

Something very, very

strange is going on.

So he's just got to --

bill -- bill just sit down,

take a deep breath

and re-group.

I'm not sure that's

a complete chair, bill.

Boy oh boy,

this is starting to

feel a bit like the

twilight zone for bill

and he takes the cooler up

and that's not a

complete table either

and now he's starting

to really panic.

Like something

weird is going on.

There's the barrel,

what happened there?

And the picket fence is gone

and this is just very odd.

So he decides just to go

home and just maybe

have a little sleep

and maybe this was all

a dream of some kind.

And he gets there and he sees

that his mailbox is okay

but there's no post

and this is very odd.

And then he pulls up

in front of the house,

and the house is okay

but the dog house

doesn't look quite right.

I don't think it's a

complete dog house.

You know, this was just

a complete misunderstanding

as it turns out.

In the old days, now,

I know they used to call

this vandalism

but since about '97, I

believe it's called recycling.

[ applause ]

could someone please

explain to me

why a bag of snacks

has to be welded shut?

During the playoffs a

man could starve to death.

Luckily, I have

an easy solution.

Remember in science class,

there was a thing

called a bell jar?

Me neither.

But apparently they

would put a ringing bell

inside a glass jar

and then suck all the

air out of the space,

kind of what harold does

during a conversation.

Once the air was out of

there, you had a vacuum,

you couldn't hear

the bell anymore.

No such luck with harold.

But I figure we can use

that same technology

to open our bag of snacks,

because inside here

we've got air pressure,

and as soon as it

goes into a vacuum,

something's gotta give.

You don't need a

bell jar either,

just something air tight

and I don't mean an alibi,

I'm thinking diving helmet.

And you set the whole unit

down on a rubber car floormat,

smooth side up so

you get a good seal.

Okay, then you hook up a

heavy-duty industrial

vacuum cleaner to

the breather pipe

and that snack bag

ll burst open

like the seam on moose

thompson's Sunday pants.

[ cheers and applause ]

well, you know,

having those women

ceo's up here

hasn't been too bad.

It's given us a break

from each other, anyhow.

They're nice, they're

bright and they smell good.

I am so proud

of you, uncle red.

That always

scares me, harold.

Hey, I spend 95%

of my time with men

so this is a new

experience for me.

Yeah, but things seemed

to go a little better

once you started

talking to them.

Yeah, I suppose.

You know, when you

don't talk to men,

they appreciate that.

Yeah but see, then you don't

know what they're thinking

you know and they can't help

you with your problems.

I know, it's great.

Well, I'm still

very proud of you.

You know, the way

you interacted

with those women

head honchos like that

'cause I know, you're not

comfortable around people

who have, like, an

education or teeth or --

don't ruin it, harold.

Well, the point is, men

and women, pretty much,

we're all the same.

Well, that's certainly

true in your case.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead,

harold.

Tell the ladies

I'll be right down.

Oh, they'll

be so excited.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting

and I've been thinking, hey,

I'm the ceo of the lodge,

you're the ceo of our home,

what say we have

a high-level meeting,

maybe consider a merger.

[ laughter ]

to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge...

Keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay everybody,

c'mon hurry up and sit down.

Sit down please.

Please would you sit down.

Thank you.

C'mon you guys, sit down.

Sit down.

All rise, please.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right-y, bow your heads

for the woman's prayer.

I am woman,

hear me roar,

I'm in charge,

get over it.

[ cheers and applause ]

closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com