Lake Regulations/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold: And now, here's a man

who cuts his own wood,

changes his own oil,

makes his own cheese,

and all at the same time --

my uncle, your host,

mr. Red green!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Thank you very much.

That's the kind of intro

you just dream up,

especially if you eat

a lot of garlic.

It's my way

of delivering the unexpected.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

Delivering the unexpected,

harold?

You'd have a hard time topping

your mother's obstetrician.

It's been kind of a bad week

up at possum lodge this week.

Started out Monday morning

with the breakfast challenge.

Oh, now,

the breakfast challenge.

That's where all you guys

all jump up from the breakfast

table, jump in your boats,

and roar around the lake

for like 10 minutes.

Yeah, yeah, the breakfast

challenge is that the last guy

to run out of gas

in his boat

has to do

all the breakfast dishes.

Got their engines wide open.

They're zooming around there.

Oh, it was terrible.

7:00 in the morning,

all that noise roaring.

[ chuckles ]

that's pleasant, isn't it?

Well,

nobody really minds.

There's nobody out there.

Maybe a few fishermen.

They don't mind at all.

In fact, I think fish

are easier to catch

when they're stampeding.

Unfortunately,

this Monday we met up

with a bunch of yuppies

out on a canoe trip.

I hope "met up"

doesn't mean "smashed into."

'cause, you know,

most yuppies are lawyers.

Well, they're sure not swimmers,

I can tell you that.

Took us over an hour to get

the water out of the fat guy.

And if anybody

should be suing anybody,

we should be suing them.

I mean, the cedar-strip canoes

aren't too bad

'cause they kind of splinter up

when you ram them.

You should see the damage

that an aluminum canoe

can do to a --

to a prop...

Especially when you're doing

full tilt in her there.

I'm not saying I'm a psychic

or anything here, uncle red.

I'm just gonna say what I think,

and I think that very shortly

someone is going to be handing

you a legal document

that's going to be changing

the quality of your life.

Well, you're wrong, harold.

It's already happened.

Aha!

This is a legal petition

that stinky peterson started,

and, uh, we're all

gonna sign it

and get all those wusses

and their canoes off the lake.

I-I don't think you should make

judgments like that, uncle red.

It's not a judgment, harold.

Just a statement of fact.

Well,

you did call them wusses.

Yeah, well,

that's what they are, harold.

A wuss is anybody

who diddles around in a canoe

and then whines when they're

t-boned by a lodge member.

That is your opinion.

Fine.

And that's what makes it a

judgment, and that's my opinion.

It's not a judgment, harold.

I don't judge people.

And anybody who says I do

is a cross-eyed, pencil-necked,

rubber-headed geek.

♪ when hunting season's over,

nobody's on a bender ♪

♪ we're too busy

with ropes and duct tape ♪

♪ tying carcasses

to fenders ♪

♪ a bowline

or a clove hitch ♪

♪ it's easy

to get it wrong ♪

♪ like one time a guy tied

a moose to his front wheel ♪

♪ looked pretty funny

spinning away out there ♪

♪ but it was safe until he tried

to pass a cyclist ♪

red: This week on,

uh, "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you how to turn

an old canoe into something

that will not only

get your neighbors talking,

it may eventually lead to a "for

sale" sign on their front lawn.

Now, I'm sure a bunch of you

have heard the joke about

what's the difference between

a canoe and a lodge member.

A canoe tips.

[ chuckles ]

well, actually,

canoes and lodge members

have a heck of a lot in common.

They both

are all full of dents and stuff,

and they [grunts]

oh.

And, uh...You just...

But other than that, there's --

there's quite a difference.

But, you know, people would look

at an old canoe like this,

and they'd just say, "well,

that's just a leaky, old boat --

more holes than anything else."

and, uh -- but the handyman,

he sees this as potential,

'cause you could turn this

into something.

You could make it a...

Well, you could make it

a really big dinner bell

or, uh -- or a firm hammock.

Or you know what else

you can make with one of these,

is a -- is a porch swing.

Yeah, yeah, a porch swing.

Okay, uh, step one --

you got to cut

one of the sides out --

port or starboard, whichever one

has the most dents in it.

Right about --

exactly right here.

[ grunts ]

by golly.

Once they get the fungus

into the fiberglass there,

it can be a real pig

to get a blade through,

I'll tell you that much.

Anyway, uh, once you got

the side cut out,

uh, what do you do next?

Oh, you're done.

That's it.

You're done, then,

and, uh, what you do

is you take your bow rope

and you take your, uh --

well, the rope

from the other end, you know.

Actually, maybe that's the bow.

And you just tie these up to the

beam across your front porch.

Remember a few weeks ago

we showed you

how to make a front porch

out of old ice-cream tubs?

Well, use a different porch.

Now, isn't that a beautiful

piece of americana?

And we'll just add

some life-jacket cushion-type

deals here for the seats.

It's also a good idea

in case the marine police

happen to cruise by.

And to me, if you're sitting

in a unit of this nature,

you're gonna want to have

your favorite beverage

within the vicinity

of your right hand,

so, uh, I would suggest

you stick the cooler

right up into the canoe.

It'll keep your drinks shaken,

not stirred.

Uh, all right.

Now, the question there is, uh,

did that rope break,

or did just the knot slip?

I think it was just the knot.

No, I guess it was the rope.

Well, I think I got her

knocked now.

I went with a heavier rope.

I took the drawstring

out of the flap

on moose thompson's pajamas.

That's one of the great things

about being up here

at the lodge.

If something breaks, you just

use something else instead.

That's the great thing

about the lodge.

When something breaks, you just

use something else instead.

Well...Time for me to get back

to the swinging '60s.

[ creaking ]

I'll tell you,

we are running out of

great things about the lodge.

Wa-a-a!

It's that part

of the show again

where we expose

those three little words

that men find so difficult

to say -- "I don't know."

and here to prove that point

just one more time

is my uncle red

and his good friends

mr. Glen braxton

and bob stuyvesant.

There's a christmas card.

All right.

"dear sirs,

I drive a van.

"it's a great vehicle, except

for one major design flaw --

"rear visibility.

"even with the extra-large side

mirrors and a rearview mirror,

"there's a blind spot

at the back of my van

"that's big enough

to hide a saint bernard.

"a dog could fall asleep

behind the van,

"and you'd never see it

until you pulled away.

"anyway,

my question is --

how do you tell a child

their pet is dead?"

well, I think your --

I think your best route there

is just to lie.

Just tell them that the dog has

run off and joined the circus.

He'll be back

in a few years.

You know, I lost a pet once

when I was 9.

Yeah.

The gardner

from our family estate

ran a lawn tractor

over fifi,

my...Miniature

french poodle.

I loved her.

But, you know,

my mother and my father,

they never said a word.

No,

they just went right out

and purchased

another purebred poodle.

It looked the same.

I just called him fifi.

Well,

that's living in denial.

It is?

Yes, it is.

That's called living in denial.

I didn't know that.

Okay, I guess then I would

recommend living in denial.

Mr. Braxton, how about yourself?

You have kids.

Well, what normally delores

and I do

is we bring the girls in

and --

when we've lost a pet --

and we sit them down

and we tell them that god's

come to our house

and, uh...Gone to a better place

for a greater purpose.

Boy,

that's real nice, glen.

Harold:

That's very nice.

Yeah, but now the girls

hate god, so...

...Can't win.

Okay, all righty,

uh, well, there you have it --

three experts

and three opinions.

But, you know, if you want

to know my opinion,

I'd say just honestly

is the best policy.

Oh, really, harold?

Well, remember that hamster

you had?

Yeah, did you -- yeah.

Ran off

to join the circus?

Oh, no!

Oh!

She fell off

the high wire?

"it is winter.

"I press the accelerator

to the floor and hold it

"as I wait for my spinning tires

"to melt their way down

to something hard.

"then a loud pop.

So that's where I left

the garden rake."

red:

Thought I'd take a few minutes

and go and see ranger gord,

'cause I worry about him

stuck up in that tower.

You okay, gord?

Sure.

You know, sometimes I feel like

I'm the --

I'm the luckiest guy

on the planet.

Oh, that's great.

[ voice breaking ]

but the only guy --

the only guy

in the universe.

All right.

There's still a world out there,

red.

People still fall in love

and have babies.

Huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Do they still watch tv

and play rubik's cube, huh?

Yeah.

Boy, I miss

"battlestar galactica"

and "starsky & hutch."

[ imitates engine revving ]

[ laughs ]

yeah.

Yeah.

Boy, oh, boy.

You know, when I get back

to civilization,

I've got this idea --

it's a patent.

Shh!

I'm gonna make this machine.

It's gonna be able

to tape-record tv shows.

Oh, yeah,

a videocassette recorder.

Yeah, like an 8-track

can -- can tape music.

But this is gonna tape

tv shows.

Yeah, it's

a videocassette recorder.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, a vcr.

Can I use that name?

Sure. Yeah.

Vcr.

Yeah.

Great. Yeah, exactly.

That's way better

than what I was gonna call it.

What were you

gonna call it?

Beta.

Wow, this canoe versus

powerboat thing

has turned into an all-out war.

I don't want to disappoint you,

uncle red,

but my conscience will not

allow me to sign that petition.

That's none of my business,

harold.

Whatever goes on in your mind

is between you

and your parapsychologist/pump

repairman.

And besides,

this is not even the petition.

This is an official notification

from the government

that possum lake

is being considered

as a nonpowerboat lake.

Wa-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Nonpowerboat?

Oh, how --

oh, that's so great.

[ chuckles ]

imagine possum lake

without any smoke and screaming,

dirty engines.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Man, that would be excellent.

Yeah, yeah, harold, that would

be real good, you know?

Except for a few

minor adjustments

like, for example, all of

our motors would be useless.

We'd have to get rid of 12,000

gallons of premium unleaded.

Everybody would quit the lodge,

and I'd be out of business.

But, hey, once we're over

those little speed bumps,

I think it would be,

as you say, excellent.

Uncle red,

you did bring this on yourself.

I mean, you could have sat down

and talked to those canoeists.

Harold,

we had a meeting with them

right out in the middle

of the lake.

Oh, yeah.

Who could even hear anything?

Junior's throttle

was just screaming there

like at 8 zillion rpms.

We did have a little linkage

jamming problem.

I'll admit that.

Linkage jamming?

How come it only got jammed

when they were speaking?

It seemed to settle right down

when you were spouting off.

I don't know why, harold.

I'm not a marine mechanic,

all right?

You were rude

and being counterproductive,

and now you're being punished

for it.

Wa-a-a.

Boy, harold, that sounds

kind of judgmental to me.

Oh, no, no,

no, no, no, no.

You see, I am not judgmental

nor am I temperamental.

Well, you're some kind

of mental.

It's not easy being me.

Who else would even try?

♪ oh, honey,

I'm very fond of you ♪

♪ honey,

don't you know it's true ♪

♪ honey on toast

or honeydew ♪

♪ but honey on the toilet seat

is tacky ♪

red: Bill told me to come out

and find him in his pup tent,

so that's what I did.

He said "pup tent,"

but I think he meant pop tart.

Anyway, bill got some kind of --

yeah, okay, bill, relax --

got some kind of adventure.

He's got a little hang glider

in his pants there.

Little kid's toy.

Oh, oh, oh.

I worry about bill sometimes.

Idea is he wants to go --

I guess he had a hang glider

in his tent.

So I look.

I don't see anything in there.

And he said, "no, no, no.

"there's not a hang glider

in the tent.

"the hang glider is the tent.

Just gonna convert this."

very strange, but I'm not gonna

do it, so I'm all for it.

So he piles -- piled her

a little high there, bill.

Gonna be a little difficult

to see just exact--

but it's a nice day for a walk.

And, oh, he's gonna come back

and get me.

Oh, well.

He's trying to guide me,

and, uh, I'm not sure

this was the most brilliant

thing we've done all day,

but that would be a challenge.

Oh!

I heard him go down,

and I give him one --

we had one of those tent poles,

so I just handed that to him.

And what I had forgotten

at first

was that it's kind of

a sectional thing.

By this point,

I thought he was just...

So I let go of the last bit.

And then hold the hand,

drag him up.

There we go.

Okay. Fine.

Now what we got to do

is start taking that tent

and converting that

into a hang glider.

And the first thing he does is

he gets the backpack section --

it's really just a frame

of a backpack.

Oh, putting some tape on.

Oh, oh.

Portions of "the red green show"

were taped earlier.

Aah!

Aahhh!

I really felt bad about that.

So he, uh, taped the tent poles

and reshaped them

and then put the canvas overtop

and what have you,

and you've got yourself --

oh! Oh! Oh!

He felt really bad about that.

We got kind of -- it's kind of

more or less a big kite,

and then bill puts

the backpack frame on there,

puts that on with a seat belt

type of rig,

and then I'm gonna hook the kite

onto the backpack,

and you can see it's starting

to take shape

and, uh, looking pretty good,

but it looks kind of dangerous,

especially when

you're standing anywhere --

ow. Ow.

Anyway, away she goes.

Bon voyage.

Happy flying, bill.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

[ groans ]

oh, my gosh.

Well, home is anywhere

you hang your glider.

This is the part of the show

where harold gets to talk to

the young people of our country.

Hopefully, they won't listen.

Good evening,

and welcome to dr. Harold's

teen phone-in sex show,

where teenagers can phone in

and ask questions

and get answers from someone

just like themselves.

So, if, you know,

you're a teenager or whatever

or cool or whatever,

it doesn't matter.

Just phone in and talk to me --

dr. Harold.

Wa-a-a.

The number here is 222 --

sorry. Ha!

The number here is 555-5555.

I'll give you a minute

to jot that down,

and then just call in,

and we'll speak openly

and frankly about...Sex.

[ chuckles ]

lines are open, so...

You want to phone in,

just feel free.

It's 555-5555.

Please.

[ coughs ]

[ gags ]

phone in.

I'm here to talk to.

[ telephone rings ]

yes, hello!

Hi.

No, go ahead. Talk to me.

Oh, hi, moose.

Hey, it's moose thompson.

[ chuckles ]

oh, no, sorry, sorry.

Anonymous. Anonymous.

No, go ahead.

Just talk to me, 'cause,

you know, I'm a professional.

Go.

No way.

[ laughs ]

yeah?

[ laughing ]

no way! No way!

Yeah.

Yeah?

Get out!

No, you don't!

You sh--

no, that's good.

A lot of people do that.

That -- well, I do.

That's -- yeah, we're like --

that's -- no, that's fine.

You'd be surprised.

Yeah, well, I don't know.

Is it vhs or beta?

Depends.

Whatever you want to use.

I just --

[ chuckles ]

well, well, well.

Somebody has a problem

with s-e-x.

[ chuckles ]

[ sobbing ]

red:

The quickest way for me

to get to those yuppie canoeists

was by water,

which, unfortunately, meant

I had to use hap's water taxi.

But I had some messages that

I wanted to deliver to them.

Oh, yeah?

Some kind of injunction, is it?

Unh-unh. No way.

Anonymous threats.

Now, red,

if there's anything I learned

in my years

on the supreme court,

it's that most conflicts

can be avoided

by a little dose

of compromise.

Supreme court, hap?

Yeah.

I was third on the right.

That black woman?

Yeah.

Originally,

I was court clerk,

but a judge died,

so I stepped in.

A court clerk, hap?

I can't picture you asking

anyone to tell the truth,

nothing but the truth.

There was one

very controversial case --

mcenroe vs. Connors.

I got both parties

to sit down,

got them to compromise

a wee bit.

And, you know,

after that,

quebec decided to stay part

of canada.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

And then I was mahatma gandhi's

right-hand man.

I taught him

the art of compromise.

Taught him to calm down.

Taught him humility.

Taught him modesty.

Well, those are

important lessons, hap.

But if you want

a real demonstration

of the power of compromise,

let me tell you about

how I got nixon to go quietly.

Hap, is there any chance

we could go quietly?

Well, this, uh, compromise thing

seems to be working out

pretty well.

The canoeists have agreed

to allow us

to have outboard motors,

as long as they're limited

to 10 horsepower.

That's a pretty small motor.

Yeah, but you can get four

or five of them across the back.

In fact, moose thompson

bolted a bunch of park benches

to the end of his boat there,

and he's got about six of them

on each bench,

so I believe he has

about 30 motors on there.

Wa-a-a!

That doesn't sound very safe.

Oh, it's safer, harold.

He can have 29 motors conk out

and still make it home.

Hey, he's got a lot of power

there.

Mind you, by the time

he pull-starts them all,

he's so cramped up,

he can't steer.

Uncle red,

that's cheating.

That's violating

the spirit of the agreement.

Well, harold, that's all the art

of negotiating, you know?

And they came out okay, too,

all right?

'cause we agreed to fix

all the canoes and the paddles,

and we're gonna buy one of

those yuppies a new shirt.

I guess

the alligator drowned.

[ screeching ]

oh, meeting time.

Yeah.

You go ahead, harold.

I'll be right down.

Okay.

So, this is a situation I guess

you could say everybody wins.

We got our motors back,

and we're back in business,

and the canoes

are gonna be better than new,

because they're gonna look great

with that shiny silver duct tape

all over them.

So, if my wife is watching,

I learned a lot about judging

and compromise tonight,

and I'm gonna be coming home

straight after the meeting,

and I was kind of looking

forward to a romantic evening

in a compromising position

in a nonjudgmental setting.

And, everybody else,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching ]

all rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

All right, uh,

before we get started,

old man sedgwick told me

that, uh, he has nothing to say.