Dalton's Hot Gift/Transcript

The complete transcript for Dalton's Hot Gift

Opening Scene
{Outside the lodge, Red, wearing a big coat, walks past the Possum Van, dragging with him a caddy with a golf bag full of golf clubs on it.}

RED GREEN: You know, people are always surprised to find out that I enjoy a game of golf. I think it's the idea of being outdoors, with lots of wide open spaces and a bag full of assorted weapons. And when it's finally spring after a long, cold winter, well, {chuckles} the itch is pretty unbearable. And the same thing with golf. {walks up to a tarp, covered with junk, tied to a nearby fence} But of course, many of us who have chosen marital bliss as an alternate lifestyle are not free to go golfing until the yard is cleaned up of all the winter flotsam and jetsam.

''{Red takes out a golf club and a tee and stoops down next to the tarp. It has some rope tied to it, with a sock tied to the other end of the rope. He sticks the tee in the ground next to the sock.}''

RED GREEN: Meanwhile, my neighbor, {gestures toward other side of fence} who owns the property on the other side of that fence and is a less sensitive, more chauvinistic kind of a guy, has already teed off, in, oh, so many ways. Here's what I do. {laughs, then gestures toward fence again} Before the winter even came, I tied this tarp to that same fence, and I laid the tarp over my yard to catch all the winter crap. {holds up sock tied to rope} Then I tied this edge up to an old work sock here. {reaches into coat pocket and pulls out golf ball, which he then drops into sock} All I gotta do is drop a golf ball down inside the sock, get her all the way down to the toe. {puts golf ball in sock on tee} And then I just tee her up nice, {takes golf club and stands back up} and suddenly, my rough becomes my neighbor's fairway. {gets into position} Fore!

''{Red swings the golf club at the sock and hits it. The sock drags on the rope as the ball goes over the fence, taking the sock, the rope and the tarp with all the junk on it with it. The junk on the tarp is thrown over onto the other side of the fence. The tarp, now free of the junk, falls back down over Red's side of the fence, while his neighbor's property now has the junk. Smiling with satisfaction, Red walks off, taking his caddy with him.}''

Segue: Winston Rothschild
{Winston stands beside his truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: When the fumes have melted your patio chairs 'cause your lawn is a toxic spill, when your breathe it burns all your nostril hairs and makes your pet skunk ill, when your septics have you at the end of your rope, call us, the people with skill. With Rothschild's, you know you always have hope, 'cause we can take it, and we will!

{Winston holds up his business card.}

Midlife
RED GREEN: You know, a lot of us middle-aged guys are pretty rugged. Like, we don't complain if we nail a finger to the workbench, or maybe take a flying tire in the face, even shoot off the occasional toe. But if we get a cold or the flu, we go down like a cheap lawn chair. Now, believe it or not, this is part of the manly art of being manly. You see, most men like to pretend they're indestructible. And it stops them from saying things like, "I can't lift my end of the piano," or "I don't wanna go up on the roof," or "This is the first time I've used an arc welder." You see, it's men like me who can't ask for help that creates most of the problems. That's why we let a cold bring us to our knees. We know a cold is no big deal, but we figure if we can say, "Hey, I need help," when we don't really need help, then maybe we won't have to say, "Hey, I need help," when we really do need help. I'll tell you if middle-aged men could get help without asking for it, there'd be a lot more of us sitting at home feeling better about ourselves and a lot fewer of us sitting in the emergency room trying to come up with an explanation. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

thank you very much.

Well, I appreciate that.

Kind of a disturbing week up

at the lodge this week.

We've got a bit of a

crime wave going on up here.

Petty theft. Oddball stuff.

All of junior singleton's

lawn ornaments were stolen.

He's got a big collection of

those fat people bent over.

It's a real landmark up here.

So now junior and his wife

had to spend the whole day

bent over on their front lawn

just so people can find

their way around.

Mr. Green,

we're getting a

gift for dalton,

and I was wondering if you'd

be willing to chip in?

Well, what's the gift?

What's the gift for?

And how much is

it gonna cost me?

Answer the

last one first.

Five bucks.

All right,

go on.

Okay, well, dalton's got,

like, a big birthday

coming up,

and we thought we'd get

him, like, a special gift.

Only it's a surprise,

so we don't want

him to know about.

Yeah, I understand the

basic concept of a

surprise, mike.

Sure you can put me

down for five bucks.

Ah, gee,

thanks a lot, mr. Green.

I got this really great deal

on this real special barbecue.

If I get 20 guys to

cough up five bucks each,

then we're there.

Just you.

You got so far?

Well, how many do

what about

yourself?

Oh, sure,

I'll think about it.

Oh, gotta go.

Mum's the word.

Hey!

What's going on?

What?

Nothing.

It's not like it's

anybody's birthday

or anything.

I'm talking

about theft, red.

Yeah, somebody broke

into my store

and took the deluxe

barbecue out of the

window display.

Holy smokes, I don't

think I'm ever going

to get that back.

Well, now, you

just might, dalton.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

and today the

winner will get

12,000 gallons of

bunker "c" crude oil,

to be picked up at

your convenience.

The oil is currently floating

at the north end of

possum lake.

Good. Good.

Close your ears.

Harold, you have 30 seconds

to get your uncle red

to say this word...

And go!

Okay, okay, uncle red,

what do you call a person

who's never had any

form of sexual activity?

Harold.

Come on. Come on.

Here for this, you know!

I don't have to be

okay, all right.

No, it's not a name.

But it is a descriptive

word for someone who

doesn't have sex.

Ugly.

No. No. No.

This is a part of

someone's life

where they're not interested

in intimate contact.

Death?

No. No.

Okay, it's a decision

they make,

and they say, no sexual

activity for me,

because I'm...

Married.

No.

Okay, most religious

workers are this.

Tax exempt?

Tax exempt?

Why would you even

think tax exempt!?

Okay, okay.

Time's almost up.

Uncle red, what do you

do during trout season

to earn extra money?

Sell bait?

Oh, come on!

You know, one of the great

frustrations in life

is wanting things

you can't have.

Like, a cure for a fatal

disease or world peace

or having your own

automatic garage door opener.

Well, I've got great

news for you.

This time I'm gonna show you

how to build your own

garage door opener.

All you gotta do is take off

these big springs.

These springs hold

the door open,

but you don't want that.

You want the door

to stay closed.

Okay, good.

No, that's good.

All right, now, I've attached

one end of a chunk of rope

to the top of

my garage door.

So when the rope is pulled,

the door will open.

Okay, next we just need

a pulley of some kind.

Oh, there we go.

I'll just thread the

other end of the rope

through one of the rims

on my old bike.

See, that's the beauty of

never throwing anything out.

Never know when you're

going to need it again.

I bet bernice has tried a

million times to to get

rid of that bike.

She should see this.

Bernice!

Bernice.

Never mind.

Okay, now we're

getting there.

So as soon as anything

pulls on the rope,

the door opens.

Okay, now all we have to do

is run it around something

strong and smooth,

and I don't mean a glass

of single-malt whiskey.

I'm talking about a pole

or a fire hydrant

or an imbedded missile

of some kind.

Then you run the rope

across the driveway

at about

windshield height.

That oughta keep the

snowmobilers outta there.

All right, let's give

her a try.

Okay, now, you wanna get

yourself a car with a

power antenna.

If you don't have

one of those,

you probably live in a dump

that doesn't have a

garage anyway.

So remember if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Red: Bernice!

[ film projector running ]

oh, hi, everybody.

Ranger gord here.

Welcome to the educational

portion of the show

and the only segment

of this programme

that has any real lasting

value in the purest sense.

I'm pleased to present

another in my series

of animated shorts.

And you know, being alone

in the fire tower for as

long as I've been,

there's nothing I like

more than animated shorts.

[ laughter ]

trust me.

Anyway, today's film is

all about being ready.

So are you ready now?

No?

[ whistling ]

how about now?

Okay, here we go.

[ ♪♪ ]

today I'm going to teach

everyone in the world

about preparation.

Do you two know

what preparation is?

Sure, I believe it's that

medicine that comes in a tube.

You know, uncle red, not

everything ranger gord says

is just a set-up

for a cheap joke.

Harold is right.

This is no joke.

Preparation is the most

important thing in life.

Well, other than women

and dry underwear.

The boy scouts have a motto,

"be ready."

I think it's

"be prepared."

I think.

Who cares what

you think, harold?

Here, let me show you.

Are you ready?

Uh, I think so.

I wasn't taking to you.

[ laughs ]

see how that works?

Follow me.

You know, harold,

as a forest ranger,

I have to be ready at all

times for any emergency.

You know, I guess you could

say I'm a super el primo

boy scout.

Uh, no,

I couldn't say that.

I know you think forest

rangers are only here to

protect the environment.

But there's a lot more

to it than that.

Yeah, you have to also

be a weirdo.

No, that's not correct.

Being a weirdo is

completely optional.

But a forest ranger does

need to be ready

for anything.

Ah! Were you ready for

this, ranger gord?

Absolutely!

Don't tell me the super

el primo boy scout

can fly.

Nope,

don't need to.

Hey, that's not fair!

You're right.

What do we do now, gord?

Try this.

[ screaming ]

[ screaming ]

[ laughing ]

[ ♪ ]

[ applause ]

well, the crime

wave continues.

Moose thompson had his laundry

stolen right off his

clothesline.

Now, that's gotta

be vandalism.

There's nobody around here

big enough to wear

his clothes,

unless maybe the

circus is in town.

Hey, mr. Green!

Hey!

Have a look at

this barbecue we're

giving to dalton.

Oh, yeah.

Or what?

Is it a beauty

and get a load of

the price,

100 bucks.

How can you beat that?

Yeah, that's a

real steal.

Go ahead, open it up.

Take a look.

No, I don't wanna put my

fingerprints on it, mike.

Yeah, we gotta keep it

nice for dalton.

Can I hide it in here

until dalton's birthday?

He'd never think to look

in the lodge for anything.

You know, mike, I hate

to ask you this,

but is that

barbecue hot?

Oh, yeah, it goes

up to 500 degrees!

No, that's not

what I mean.

I mean did you steal

that barbecue?

Mr. Green, what must

you think of me?

We don't have

time for that, mike.

Did you steal

the barbecue?

Absolutely not,

and I'm disgusted that

you would even think

such a thing!

Well, I apologize.

It's just that when a guy

goes to jail 37 times

for theft,

well, a person can jump

to conclusions.

Hiya, dalton.

How you doin'?

Well, there's still no

sign of that missing

barbecue.

I phoned the police,

gave them a complete

description.

Yeah, it's got a nice hood

on it, enameled green.

A little shelf on each

side with a burner.

It's a

beautiful thing.

Yeah, I can almost

picture it.

$1200, red!

Boy, the guy that's got

that is going to spend

a long time in jail.

I don't know.

What's that?

It's not a barbecue if

that's what you're

thinking.

No, there's something

just weird,

not quite right.

What -- what --

you know what?

I cleaned.

I cleaned, dalton,

and I painted.

That's all wet paint.

You don't wanna get wet

paint on you, dalton.

It doesn't look wet.

It looks dusty.

That's the colour.

Dusty brown.

You know what it is?

It's the fumes,

the dusty brown

paint fumes.

Remember dusty springfield?

Wasn't she great, eh?

She's great.

Let's go.

I'm not a big fan

of small cars.

I know they're cheaper

on gas and easier to park,

but you feel like such

a weenie driving them.

And you can only run into

small things without

hurting yourself.

I'll tell you the worst

part about a small car,

the horn.

No intimidation

factor at all.

It sounds like somebody

stepping on a frog.

Here's a better idea.

Go down to your local auto

wreckers and pick out

as many working car horns

as you can get your hands on.

Then you mount 'em in any

open space under the hood.

And believe me, with an

engine the size of an

electric razor,

you're gonna have

plenty of room.

The other cars may

not see you coming;

they may not even care

if you're coming;

but I promise you one thing,

[ chuckles ]

they'll hear you coming.

Just be sure you start her

up before you honk the horn.

Otherwise, your battery

will die faster

than a blond joke at

the miss america pageant.

And it's just that easy.

Remember, honk if you

hate noise pollution.

[ honk! ]

[ applause ]

mike has put us in a

terrible position here.

I'm glad to get dalton

a birthday gift,

but boy, not worth going

to jail for, eh?

Not for a lousy

barbecue anyway.

Get ready.

He's here!

Winston's

bringing him in.

Where are the

exotic dancers?

Dalton, we brought you

here for a special

surprise.

Exotic dancers?

No, dalton.

We know it's

your birthday,

so we got you

a special present.

Well, even one exotic

dancer would be fine.

Dalton!

Mr. Green, would you

do the honours?

Dalton, we got together

and we got this for you.

And wanna wish you

a happy birthday.

Wow!

What is that?

I don't know.

Well, it's

a barbecue.

It's a

barbecue!

It's a yellow

barbecue.

Oh, that is so nice.

You know what?

I don't need a barbecue.

Remember the one that was

stolen from the window

of my store?

Yeah?

Well, it turns out

ann marie hid it

to give it to me

for my birthday.

[ laughs ]

boy, it's a

beaut too.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting

time.

Yeah, you guys

go ahead.

Okay.

Right down.

I'll be

so if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting,

and I was reminded tonight

of our dating years,

because mike was looking at

me exactly the way your

dad used to.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

winston

guys, guys, sit down.

Come to order.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

I'm sorry,

all right?

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