The Driving Lesson/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Driving Lesson

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, my uncle has a dairy farm,
 * A man who likes to putter.
 * He slipped and fell off the roof one day,
 * And landed in the butter.
 * He flipped and flopped for an hour or more,
 * 'Til he was rescued by his wife.
 * She warned him that butter is bad for his health,
 * But he claimed it saved his life.

Commercial bumper
''{Red and Harold walk into the lodge. Red is holding a piece of paper in his hand while Harold makes driving motions with his hands.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we've got lots more of it.

Auto Biography
''{A car is seen driving through a garage in the lodge, with Mike in the driver's seat, Red seated beside him and Harold seated in the back seat. Mike drives up close to the camera, turning the steering wheel several times. Red braces for the car to crash. Mike stops the car, but not before it bumps into the camera, shaking it briefly. Everyone gets situated in their seats.}''

RED GREEN: All right, uh, welcome to "Auto Biography", where, uh, members of Possum Lodge get to have remembrances of cars gone by. Got Mike Hamar here. Mike's gonna tell us his favorite car of all time. {to Mike} Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Ah, that's easy, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Yeah...

MIKE HAMAR: Corvette Stingray.

RED GREEN: Oh boy.

MIKE HAMAR: What a set of wheels. Who could resist a 'vette? Not me.

RED GREEN: {chuckles} No. {nods} That was a beautiful car, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh yeah. I remember the first 'vette I took out for a spin. It was sitting there, parked in front of the convenience store there, and, uh, keys in the ignition there, idling... Man!

RED GREEN: So you didn't actually own the Corvette?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, no, but, uh, you know, for an hour, it was mine. And fast! I mean, she could run– outrun any police cruiser on the road, you know. I mean, that is one great car. Now, I knew guys who used to boost a 'vette, and then they'd sell it for parts. I mean, to me, that is criminal! It's criminal! Cutting up a 'vette, I mean, huh!

HAROLD GREEN: You know, uh, Mr. Hamar, you might wanna remind our viewers that, y'know, car theft of any kind is a bad thing to do. A bad thing to do.

MIKE HAMAR: {realizing} Oh! Oh yeah! Well, oh, yeah, for sure! Um, you know, I love 'vettes, but I now know that a few hours of fun is not worth two to five in minimum security. So I would say if you want a Corvette, buy one.

RED GREEN: Yeah, but they are expensive, though, are they not?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, yeah, they are expensive, yeah, but if you find the right bank, like on a Friday, when they've got a lot of cash...

RED GREEN: {sways head in annoyance, then holds up one hand} Mike, now, remember how that ended?

MIKE HAMAR: {realizing again} Oh yeah, that's right, that's right. Oh, yeah, you're right, Mr. Green. I don't do that no more.

RED GREEN: Oh, okay, good, Mike. Maybe what you need to do, you know, work hard, save your money, build up a credit rating, and you can get yourself your own Corvette. You know, one that you actually own.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, right, and then some loser comes along and swipes it for a joyride? No, thanks. {Red shrugs}

Commercial bumper: Fan contributions
{A slab of stone is displayed with an image of a grinning Harold carved into it.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Thanks to our buddy, Jim Jackson, for this carving of Harold.