The Gas Shortage/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

How you doing, harold?

Thank you.

I was walking around downtown.

Ralphie's gas station is gone.

It's been replaced

by a convenience store/

banking machine/video outlet.

Ralphie couldn't make money

in the gasoline business.

Wow, that's impossible,

uncle red.

Everything around here

runs on gas,

including most

of the lodge members.

Boy, he sold hundreds of

gallons to you guys every week.

To be honest, a lot of guys

were taking gas

from the self-serve

and not paying for it.

Ralphie's pumps

aren't self-serve.

They are

at 3:00

in the morning.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): Ranger gord is wound up

just a little too tight,

I'll grind a big hole

in the possum van,

garth harble's got something

in the attic,

but it's not worth much,

and winston rothschild

goes on and on and on...

Watch your allergies, harold.

I might have spilled gasoline

on myself.

Don't come near me!

Or the stove.

I'm particularly allergic

to human torches.

You try something,

where does it get you?

We wanted to run a pipeline

from the gas station

in port asbestos to the lodge.

It's downhill all the way.

The government steps in.

Says it's illegal to run

gasoline through eavestroughs.

I'm not sure how long the duct

tape would have held, anyway.

Well, maybe

I'm glad

we have a government.

(audience laughing)

I know I'm glad

we have a fire department.

I don't know what you heard,

but that was an accident.

Those bathtubs

were porcelain.

There wasn't a leaky one

in the bunch.

Whoa! What are you

talking about?

Oh, well, we had a bunch

of bathtubs on a flat-bed

up to port asbestos and

we filled them with gas and...

It didn't go real well.

Perhaps they were

a little too full?

Not after the first corner.

The real problem hit

when junior singleton

flicked his flaming butt

out the window...

And then his lit cigarette out.

No, no, no, I got those

in the wrong order.

(applause)

(red): Bill's solution

to being out of gas

is to find another mode

of transportation.

He's going back to

the old west, the old cowboy.

That's a real

lovely horse, bill,

but he's not a quality--

he's got a chaw of tobacco--

oh, he's gonna do

the spittoon thing.

Oh, by golly.

This is-- you know, bill--

oh, careful, there.

Oh, you're fine.

(laughing)

spring came early this year.

And he's gonna fire that

into the pail.

Ok, bill, get a big chaw.

Get a man-sized--

oh.

Oh, by golly.

Uh, bill?

No, no, you missed on that.

You'll find it over...

It's over in that area.

It's funny, eh?

He'll be back later.

She scrimped and saved

for two years to buy that car.

She did not give you permission

to drive it,

but you had to go behind her

back and take it for a drive.

You had to go

to the lumber yard

and you had to buy

two sheets of drywall

and you had to cram them

into that tiny hatchba.

And you had to rip

the upholstery in the roof.

Now what are you

gonna tell her?

You're not gonna tell her

anything, not yet.

First, you're gonna ditch

that drywall.

You get back in that car,

drive over to her nephews'.

You know the ones.

Those rotten little children

of satan.

You're gna take them out

and buy them ice cream

and chocolate and pop.

Especially chocolate.

And make sure they spend

at least an hour

inside the car.

When those three hyenas

are done,

your rip in the roof's gonna

look like an afterthought.

You're off the hook.

How can she blame you?

You were trying to be nice

to her nephews.

It's not your fault

they're rotten,

destructive sociopaths.

They're family.

Right!

(applause)

♪ lying on the boathouse,

starin' at the stars ♪

♪ no noise, no horn,

no exhaust ♪

♪ at least, none of it

from cars, right? ♪

♪ I don't let anyone

up here ♪

♪ it's my own

private little nest ♪

♪ but now that

I've thrown my back out ♪

♪ and I'm pretty much

paralysed ♪

♪ from the eyebrows down ♪

♪ I'm valuing privacy

less and less ♪

oh!

Don't believe what you read

in the newspapers.

The reason we have

a fuel shortage is

because our gas tanks

aren't big enough.

This week in "handyman corner",

I'm gonna put a man-size

gas tank into the possum van.

Originally, I was thinking

I'd pop in this unit,

but I don't think

this will do the job.

It won't hold enough gas

to cover off

the gas mileage problem

I have with the van.

I could change the plugs

and points,

but I don't want

to get into that.

Instead, what I need is

a gas tank the same size

as the whole van.

Once I fill this unit up

with gasoline,

I need some way to get gas

into the real gas tank

to go up into the engine.

No problem --

hack a hole in the floor

and let gravity do the work.

Now, before we start throwing

a couple of thousand gallons

into this unit,

you want to plug up anywhere

that gasoline might seep out.

You don't want to be driving

with the gas

roaring out of her...

Not at today's prices.

I've gone down the dashboard,

covered up wherever I thought

gasoline might leak --

the headlights switch,

the windshield washers.

I've got the heater vent

closed up.

Do extra duct tape

around the dimmer switch.

I know the floor's

kind of rusty there.

But that should hold her,

and do it properly.

You know, that will take you

maybe 10 to 15 minutes

to do it right, you know?

Once you've done that,

you've gotta do the windows

and the doors

and all the rust holes.

All right.

That is one tight-sealed van.

All's I have to do is go

to the fill-up station

and load 'er up

with a year-and-a-half's supply

of gasoline.

So remember, if the women

don't find--

oh, golly.

All right, ok, re-think.

The mark of a true handyman is

his ability to adapt

to changing conditions.

Safety regulations,

that kind of thing.

What am I gonna do here?

Maybe a snorkel unit

of some kind or...

Maybe radio control...

I know!

You know the flying bridge,

like they have

on cabin cruisers?

Yeah, I'll move

the whole dashboard unit

up onto the roof and...

Ok, no, no, no.

Gonna need a whole new

dashboard unit.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

This has to be good news

for all you small-car owners

out there.

I've hooked everything up

to run the unit.

I duct-taped her on.

You might want to weld it.

I'd suggest you do your welding

before you fill the van

with gasoline.

Keep an eye out

for the maximum height

on the low bridges and so on.

(starting engine)

let's give her a test drive.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

(honking "shave and a haircut,

two bits")

(red): Ranger gord's pretending

he's a tree.

He's got to exaggerate

his I.Q.

Any day now,

you'll be shaving

or scraping pizza chunks

off your forehead.

You'll look in the mirror

and see that your face

is covered with wrinkles.

All around your mouth,

your eyes, up over your ears.

When you furrow your brow,

looks like a rump roast

made out of corduroy.

(audience laughing)

wrinkles is caused

by one thing only.

You got too much skin.

You go to a cosmetic surgeon,

they're happy

to cut the skin off for you,

or if you're on a budget,

I guess you could

duct-tape wires to the skin

and then tighten it

with a little winch

hidden in your hat.

Here's a simple way to get rid

of wrinkles -- put on weight.

(audience laughing)

oh, yeah, you just eat

and eat and eat

until you fill up

all that extra skin.

You see, mother nature

gave you that skin,

thinking you'd be

a lot fatter by now.

Don't let her down.

It's just that simple.

Fat is the safest

and simplest cure for wrinkles.

You ever see a wrinkled pig?

No, sir.

Fill your face every day,

and one day,

when your heart explodes,

and your friends are leaning

over your extra-wide coffin,

they'll comment

on how young you look.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(applause and cheering)

ranger gord is gonna teach us

how to avoid being attacked

by grizzly bears.

That's right, red.

In the 16 years I've been

manning firewatch tower 13,

I've never once been mauled

by a bear.

I've been attacked by foxes

and wolves and deer

and elk and badgers

and squirrels.

A hummingbird

will give a good nip.

Oh, and that chipmunk scar

is just starting to heal.

No, we don't need to see that.

I've never once -- not once --

been mauled by a bear.

Why do you think that is?

Good sense, I would say.

No.

No way.

No, camouflage, ok?

Now, bears like to eat fish

and grub,

so I never ever dress up

like a fish or a grub, ok?

As much as I'd like to

sometimes, I avoid it.

I dress up like a tree.

Now, these are ash branches,

and an ash looks like this.

See that?

Yeah.

I'm an ash.

Took the words

right out of my mouth.

You hold the branches

like this, like this,

or even as much as this,

you're not going to fool

a rabbit, let alone a bear.

The key to dressing up

like a tree is the shape.

All right, thank you, gord.

No, wait.

I have another one.

This is my favourite,

so if you'd hold that...

Yeah, all right.

Hold it in your fingers.

Here we go -- watch this.

Ok, ok, oh, yeah.

Isn't this fun?

Oh, my gosh!

Watch this.

This must be my favourite.

It must be.

There, ok?

Yeah.

What am I?

Don't ask me questions

like that, gord.

I'm a white birchbark.

You see that?

You didn't recognize me.

No.

What were you thinking?

About the same as always.

Oh, yeah?

Gas fumes getting to you,

are they, harold?

Well... That was clean

when I put it on.

The whole town's going

that way.

People wearing disguises

so they can steal gas

from each other,

and people hoarding

their gas supply.

A gallon of premium unleaded is

30 bucks on the black market.

If you buy 10 gallons, you get

a free black-market car wash.

We got a real energy crisis.

It's like the '70's,

but we don't get the fun

of blaming foreigners.

One guy ordered a pizza.

When the driver went

to get the money,

someone siphoned gas

from his car.

(audience laughing)

really?

Boy, that's bad.

People are putting

locking gas caps

on their lawn mowers.

I bought five gallons of gas

from flinty mcclintock.

Turned out to be apple cider.

Mind you, the van

still ran pretty good.

The exhaust smelled

like a waldorf salad.

(audience laughing)

welcome to the expert portion.

This week, we have two experts:

My uncle red

and winston rothschild!

(applause and cheering)

here's our first letter

and it goes as follows:

"dear experts, my dad says

I should stay in school

"and get an education.

"I want to get out

and get my dream job now.

"what do you think?"

that's no contest --

get out and get the job.

A degree's just

a piece of paper.

Just a second, now.

The road to a higher education

is not a one-way street.

Take me, for example.

I took an alternative route.

After I quit high school

and started rothschild's sewage

and septic sucking services,

it was after that

that I got my college degrees,

in my spare time.

There are a number of great

learning institutions

for anybody

who can read a matchbook cover.

(audience laughing)

right now,

I'm working on a degree

from m.I.T.

Not the massachusetts institute

of technology.

No, murray's school of tennis.

The way

I see it,

if I get my, uh, ph.B.

From murray's,

that will be nine in total.

Oh, yeah --

nine.

That's right.

Winston rothschild, ph.B.,

ll.X., s.O.L., I.O.U.,

d.O.A., v.C.R., p.D.Q., q.T.,

and, of course, t. & a.

(audience laughing)

look what you're doing.

You're running

a sewage business.

Education's not worth it --

just go for the job.

You don't have any education.

All you're doing

is hosting this show.

You're no better than me.

You're saying we're both

in the sewage business?

(audience laughing)

well, yeah,

but I take it away.

(laughing and applause)

(cheering)

(red): Meanwhile, back

with buffalo bill...

I mean...

Ow, ow.

... "buffalo" in the sense of

he's gonna need wings

at some point.

Bill's got--

look out, look out.

Oh, boy.

One thing about going

to a playground

with a fellow like bill,

you don't need to get involved.

Kids, you stay well back,

you see a man like this.

Oh, boy.

Oh, for gosh--

I'm standing there,

trying to figure out

what he has in mind,

thinking that

it must be something.

What is it?

Oh, yeah, teeter-totter.

What are you doing?

Oh, funny --

that's very funny.

I get, as usual, the short end

of the stick.

I'll show you

who's got the short end

of the whatever -- oh!

Sorry, bill -- I feel terrible.

(laughing)

oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oooh, that smarts,

you know?

He gets off it.

(laughing)

all right.

Ohhh!

These playgrounds are fun,

aren't they?

We got that unit apart

and I got bill's horse.

He mounts the whole unit

on the old wagon we had.

Stole something from

the handyman work bench, bill?

What are we doing here?

How's this work, bill?

You're gonna sit on...

All right, he's gonna sit

on that end.

The spring's attached there,

so... Yeah, ok.

The pipe goes down here and...

Oh, I know, I know.

The old railroad car thing.

If you can get this pumping,

you don't need gas.

You can just pump up and down

and that will drive

the car forward, but...

It's gonna be hard

to get her started, bill.

You can't just... What?

Oh, I'll give it a push.

All right, fair enough.

Oh, for gosh sakes.

These kids that don't

clean up their room.

Oh, it's the horse.

The horse can drive.

Back I go and give her

a little push.

He'll be able to...

(squeaking)

some grease might have been

an idea.

Slowly up and down.

This isn't gonna get

lots of speed,

but there you go.

There you are, that's working.

I don't know what he does

at a hill, but you know,

we left the key turned on

and by golly

if she didn't start up.

(laughing)

that picked things up

a little bit.

With the bouncing, the horse

fell on the gas pedal

and that really

picked things up, right, bill?

Oh, boy, oh, boy!

We lost one!

Man overboard!

Bill, the car, the car--

bill, the car.

Oh, oh, oh... Ooooh!

Wow! Ohhh!

Boy!

He looks good

with a pipe, doesn't he?

You all right, bill?

Wow.

Stay tuned for garth.

He's been attacked

by a porcupine.

I like the way guys are dealing

with the gasoline shortage.

We're making vehicles burn

less gas.

Taking the passenger seat

won't save any weight.

No passenger seat

means no passenger.

Without you there beside me,

not only will I get

where I'm going,

I'll arrive in a better mood.

(audience laughing)

that would make

a dandy recliner

once I wash the dr. Pepper out.

It's good you guys are using

less fossil fuel.

I couldn't believe the extra

weight you were carrying.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh!

I meant your vehicle.

Yeah... Oh!

You know, the bunch of us

have made a wager

to see who can go the farthest

on the least gas,

so we're cutting the weight

down on our vehicles.

Just take out the duplication.

All's you need on any car

is one headlight,

one mirror, one window,

one seat, one door...

One accident.

(audience laughing)

hey, handyman, here's a tip.

You know all the different

glues on the market?

It doesn't matter

what kind you use.

If you spill it, make sure

you clean it up right away,

even if it doesn't say

"quick-drying" on the can.

Garth harble here,

animal control,

with another important tip

on how you can control

your animals.

Come on in here, red.

What happened

to your arm?

There you go, red.

You have to point it out.

No one would notice if you

didn't make a thing about it.

I think they'd notice.

What is it, anyway?

Well, porcupine.

I didn't think a porcupine

could throw his quills.

He can't --

a bear can throw a porcupine.

Yes, well...

Kids, if you love animals,

and you want to make

a living at it,

make sure you don't know

anything about anything at all.

Then go to

the animal control centre

and they'll make you a boss.

Try to avoid having

any personality whatsoever.

Garth, you have

a feature for us on squirrels?

Huh?

Something about squirrels.

What?

Squirrels.

Oh, yeah, yes, squirrels.

If you're gonna try

to catch squirrels, make sure

you don't have anything edible

in your pockets.

Don't ask how I know that.

Got another tip

about squirrels.

Don't try to catch them at all.

They're not nice animals.

They're just rats

with a hairdo.

I got a nest of squirrels

in my attic,

so what I've done is

I've stuffed

all the attic holes

with this screen right here,

so that should take care

of the problem.

How did you chase

the squirrels out

before you put the screen up?

How do you mean?

Oh, boy.

You've probably trapped

those squirrels in there.

(squirrels chittering)

I'll take the screen down

for you.

Yeah, ok, well, make sure

you don't have anything edible

in your pockets.

All right.

Well, another super day.

Sorry.

I hope that was a coin

or something.

Nice work, harold.

Well, good night,

everybody.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, sir.

We're gonna tell 'em

what happened.

Our most-fuel-efficient

vehicle thing, that went fine.

Then mr. Conscience figures

he'll stick his nose in.

I only said

honesty's the best policy.

You forced us to go

to ralphie's

and admit

we'd been stealing gas

and offer to pay what we owed

if he went back to being

a gas station.

A suggestion,

that's all it was.

Well, here's the kicker.

He'd never not been

a gas station.

He expanded to be

a convenience store, too.

The gas pumps were there,

behind the chips, maps,

key fobs, and carpeting.

How come gas stations

have to be department stores?

You should be happy

that the gas shortage is over.

You made us tell the truth

for nothing.

That's a cardinal sin.

You'd understand

if you were married.

(possum squeal)

it's meeting time,

uncle red.

You go ahead, harold.

The men are waiting for you.

Oh, ok.

Ohhhh!

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming home

after the meeting.

I'll gas up the weed-whacker.

You'll see out

the windows again.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(harold): All rise!

All rise!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down.

Excuse me for interrupting.

Who ran over my hat?

Next time, wait

till I'm out of it!

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Boy, this is too much!