The Spawning Grounds/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold: Here's the man

who has all the friends,

and he knows how to use them.

He's so diplomatic,

his favorite color is plaid.

Wa-a-a!

Here's my uncle, mr. Red green!

By golly.

Thank you very much.

And, uh, thank you, harold,

for that intro.

Those were compliments,

were they?

You got that one right,

big fella. Boom.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

Well, he means well.

Wouldn't it be great

if he did well?

Or was well?

Anyway, we've had

a real catastrophe

up here at the lodge

with one of the rocks.

It's a rock, uncle red.

What can go wrong with a rock?

It's a rock.

Well, actually,

it wasn't so much the rock.

It was what happened

to the backhoe

after the rock

was moved.

Oh, it rolled

into the van?

No.

R-rolled into a tree?

No, no.

Uh, harold, think about

a large body of lukewarm fluid.

Rolled

into moose thompson.

Possum lake, harold!

Oh! Oh, that!

Rolled into possum lake!

Yeah, I should have --

oh, that's --

boy, you make

a lot of mistakes!

Yes, I do.

But I don't blame them

on rocks.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ this was

my granddaddy's farm ♪

♪ a hundred years ago ♪

♪ he won it in a card game ♪

♪ everyone else

had the sense to fold ♪

♪ the ground

is as hard as... ♪

♪ really, really hard

material ♪

♪ the water

tastes like eggs ♪

♪ but luckily,

the government stepped in ♪

♪ and paid him

not to grow stuff ♪

♪ which was more or less

his specialty ♪

this week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

how to build something

that'll help you build

everything you ever build.

'cause the one biggest danger

that faces every handyman

is not hitting your thumb

with a hammer

or cutting off your finger

at the knuckle

or even catching your nose hairs

in the lathe.

It's losing your tools.

It just seems that, uh,

you know, you put a tool down,

say a pair of pliers,

you know, or a -- or a hammer,

and two or three seconds later,

you go and look for it...

And you can't find it.

You end up...

Rooting through everything.

And after a couple hours,

you find it out

in the trunk of your car,

and you have no idea

how it got there.

This is because

when you're not watching tools,

they'll get up,

and they'll walk away on you,

just like kids.

So, uh, anyway, I'll tell you

what happened last week.

Bill did some bungee jumping

off the roof of the lodge,

and, uh, I got an idea.

Actually -- actually,

it gave me two ideas,

the first one being

don't ever bungee-jump

by tying a bunch

of old jock straps together,

especially when somebody's

going by in a lawn tractor.

And secondly, I got the idea,

why don't we make a bungee belt

to hold all our tools?

Okay, well, the first thing

you got to do

is gather up all your tools.

These are a few

that I found around the bench

and on the floor,

in my pockets,

and up the chimney.

Okay, now you're gonna need

a big, wide belt,

like the kind

the lumberjacks use

or the telephone repairmen

or, actually, maybe you have

one of these yourself

if when you went to the disco

in, say, '73,

"Saturday night fever"

kind of a thing.

I use this one to hold the

muffler onto the possum van.

Okay, now you need

some stretchy cords.

Anything will do, really.

Uh, these are real good.

Uh, this is a phone cable.

Hard to come by, though,

'cause they've switched to that,

uh, metal flexible stuff

in the pay phones.

And then, of course,

you've got your bungee cords.

You've got some lap cord

in here.

There's the rubber hose

from the lodge sick room.

And we got a slinky,

an old slingshot.

Step one, attach all this stuff

to your belt.

And there you have it.

I've turned myself

into a more efficient handyman

or a hula dancer.

Now all I got to do

is attach the tools to the end.

♪ I go back to my workbench ♪

[ singing indistinctly ]

okay, now, say I have to install

a jacuzzi or unclog a drain,

and all I need

is my pipe wrench,

so just grab my pipe wrench --

uh...

Um...

All right, I-I need to

organize this a little bit.

What I need is to --

to mark e-each cord

so I know what's on it,

so I'll just get my pencil.

My pencil, my pencil...

Oh, there's the pipe wrench.

Okay, well, this whole thing

needs to be organized.

Hang on.

Hang on a minute.

Okay, now,

I got everything labeled

and in alphabetical order,

from "a.B.S. Cement"

right around to "zinc sulfate."

so, I want to find

my pipe wrench.

Here we are.

"level," "mallet," "nails,"

"oil stone,"

"paintbrush,"

"paint scraper," "pipe."

here we go. "pipe --

pipe cutter," "pliers."

oh, no, no.

I labeled it under "wrench" --

"w," "wrench."

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, here we are. Here we are.

"wrench, adjustable."

"wrench, monkey."

"wrench, pipe."

here we are.

[ glass shatters ]

uh, you want to make sure those

are really snugged down there,

and maybe to do that,

you could use the handyman's

secret weapon --

uh, duct tape.

So...Let's see.

"calipers," "cleaver,"

"dadoes," "drill,"

"drill bit," "duct tape."

yeah, there we go.

Uh, so we got this,

and I've got another idea.

My screwdrivers

and the smaller tools

don't fit on the belt real well.

I need a couple of belts

over the shoulders,

and I'll attach that

with this stuff.

And this is gonna take

a little bit of time,

so why don't we get on

with the show?

And I'll get her all built,

and we'll come right back.

And now it's

that part of the show

where we expose

the three little words

that men find so difficult

to say -- "I don't know."

and here to prove that point

is my uncle red

and, of course, his best friend,

mr. Hap shaughnessy.

Okay.

Here's today's letter.

"dear experts, last fall,

my brother went deer-hunting

"and gave me

some venison steaks,

"but I forgot

to refrigerate them.

"this spring,

after the snow thawed,

"I noticed the meat was still

sitting on the back-porch rail

"where I left it

last November.

Do you think the meat

is still safe to eat?"

wa-a-a!

I don't think we need an expert

to answer this one.

[ chuckles ]

that's right, harold.

Uh, the meat will be just fine.

Isn't that right, hap?

Yeah,

one winter's nothing.

I remember when I, uh,

led a group of archaeolo--

uh, diggers

from the university of tel aviv

on an expedition

to greenland,

and we came across

this dinosaur

that was frozen and buried

in the glacial tundra,

and I thawed it out,

and the meat was delicious.

So you ate brontosaurus,

hap?

No, not bronto.

No, this was strato.

Stratocumulusaurus.

It had fallen

into an ice crevasse,

and it was

perfectly preserved,

all except

the tip of the tail.

That was a bit rancid.

Well, he's the expert

on rancid tales.

So, tell everybody,

how'd the dinosaur taste?

Dinosaur is a bit gamier

than anaconda

but not quite as fatty

as, say, uh, killer whale.

There's a lot more meat

on the stratocumulusaurus.

Yeah,

it was a big fellow.

Right up to the clouds,

I bet, huh?

Yep.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I was gonna bring

back all the extra flesh

and maybe try to market

my own brand of dinosaur meat,

you know?

And I, uh -- I registered

my own, uh, trademark,

brand name.

Hap's dino dogs?

Nope.

Jurassic pork.

"it is winter.

"the animals are warmly

tucked away in their dens...

With a case of two-four

and the remote controller."

okay. There we go.

I can go anywhere

and fix anything at any time.

I need a curved plane?

Got it.

Compass saw?

Got it.

Screw-mate drill bit?

What do you think?

Now, what else could I use?

Well, it's always nice to have

a little extra light on a job.

Or, say, a-a third hand

would come in handy.

And a lot of the guys

at the lodge

say that I could use

a little head protection.

Well, why not combine all three?

That's handyman thinking.

Okay, so there it is.

I can now go anywhere

at any time and fix anything,

although I wouldn't advise

going out into the woods

when the moose are in heat.

And I have added another,

uh, safety element here

with a little yogurt tub

full of baking soda.

So if I'm soldering or welding

or what have you

and, uh, suddenly

the whole workbench

and most of the furniture's

on fire,

I can just, uh,

lean forward quickly,

and, uh, hopefully,

the fire goes out fast,

'cause I actually have my face,

uh, right -- right into

the flames at that point.

So, it's really, uh --

it's a wearable workshop.

Uh, kind of

a neat-looking unit.

Uh, it's a fashion statement,

really, that says,

"hey, world, I'm a tool."

so, until next time,

remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

I think I'll just go and, uh,

change the oil in the furnace.

[ boing! Boing! Boing! ]

[ squeak! ]

don't worry.

I can fix that.

Dougie!

Yo!

Getting up in the world,

are you?

Well, actually, not as up

as I may appear to be, red.

I'll tell you,

you ever in your life

get a chance

to drive over a taxi,

I would suggest

you remove that little sign

from the roof first.

Caused you some damage,

did it?

Well, sir, I tell you,

those suckers are made out

of kryptonite or something.

That ripped right through

my oil pan

like a bumper

through a bus shelter.

Dougie, do you think

this, uh, monster truck here

could pull my backhoe

out of possum lake?

Well, not till I scavenge me

a new oil pan, it won't.

Besides, you know,

if I were you...

I'd, uh -- I'd recommend

that you, uh...

...Just leave

that backhoe down there,

if I were you.

Well, that'd be a little hard

on the lake, wouldn't it?

Make the water

taste like backfill.

Au contraire, mon frère.

Actually,

it's quite good for the lake.

Here we go.

Yeah, apparently, uh,

them little fish --

they need a place to grow in,

a place to grow up.

They call them -- they call them

fingerlings, I think.

And, uh, you know,

without that place to grow,

them little suckers --

oh, if they didn't have

a place to hide,

they'd stand

about as much chance

as a honda civic in one of them

monster-truck crush-a-ramas.

So, what you're saying

is the backhoe sort of acts

like a daycare center

for the little fishies.

That's it.

That's it exactly.

I mean -- ooh!

Oh, geez!

Got to watch your head

with this baby.

I'll tell you,

I had a friend of mine --

he rolled a semi

right over the third line bridge

into mercury creek.

Well, you know,

I would have thought that bridge

was too narrow

for a big truck.

Well, it is, but that's why

it was up on two wheels.

And he would have made it

right across there, too,

if this gust of wind

hadn't come along

and just dumped him

right over there

like a turtle on his back.

But you know what?

He left that sucker there,

gets a check

from the government,

said he created

an artificial reef

for fingerling

conservation.

If you had half a brain,

you could cash in on that

yourself, red.

Golly.

The government is paying you

to throw wrecks into the lake?

You're sitting

on a gold mine here, doug.

Red, red, I'm not in this

for the money.

All this stuff

you're looking at here --

this is

my joie de vivre.

This is my hobby.

This is for my friends.

This -- this ain't some

get-rich-quick scheme, red.

You're looking

at my life here.

Never seen anybody's life

rust out quite this bad, doug.

Beautiful, ain't it?

You got to love it.

Well, you can imagine

the excitement around here

when the word got out that

the government was paying people

to throw crap in the lake.

I'll tell you, it pretty well,

uh, emptied the parking lot

at the yugo dealership.

Uncle red, you know,

I don't think it's gonna work

unless you alter the ph.

What's that, harold?

You sound like

a shampoo commercial.

No. You have to alter the ph,

you know?

You can't catch fish

if the ph is too low,

so you have to raise the ph,

make it more alkaline.

Wa-a!

What, are you gonna

throw batteries in there?

That's gonna cost

a lot of money, harold.

No, no. Limestone.

You have to dissolve limestone

into the lake. Wa!

Limestone?

Limestone won't work.

Limestone will kill

all the fish.

No, it helps!

It's limestone.

Really, that's what you need --

limestone.

Well, all right.

Let's do a little test, harold.

I'll get a little piece

of limestone.

I'll put it in your eye,

and you tell me

if it helps or hurts.

[ laughs ]

I don't think that threats

are gonna solve anything here.

Well,

neither is limestone.

Okay, okay.

So, we'll get in touch

with the right people,

and we'll find out what to use

and how to use it

and more importantly,

how to get our hands on

that government money,

or as we call it,

our "change."

what are you doing,

harold?

[ laughing ]

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ when it comes to the men,

the men of the lodge ♪

♪ our friendship lasts longer

than the warranty on a dodge ♪

♪ I need them and trust them,

and I'm always on their side ♪

♪ unless the situation

involves money ♪

♪ or an attractive woman

or preferably both ♪

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Kind of a winter

"adventures with bill" today,

so I drove over there

and -- oops!

[ whip! Whip! Whip! ]

bill: Uh-oh!

[ whistle! ]

I was gonna drive close

to the curb, I thought.

What is that? Oh, there's --

I think there's one more --

let's see --

one more ski to come yet.

Aah!

Ah, there it is.

Okay.

Now, bill wanted to try

some, uh, downhill skiing,

and, uh, he had gotten

all the equipment together.

And, uh, actually,

two of the skis were mine,

so I picked them up,

and, uh, he had the pole.

Looked like we were --

and it was a good day

to just get...

You know, there's something

about bill that...

Makes you want to go home

as soon as you get there.

Anyway, uh, he picked out

a heck of a hill.

This thing is

practically straight down.

It was so steep,

I could hardly keep my pants up.

But, uh, look, I don't enjoy

this part of skiing,

you know, where you got to

walk all the way.

Of course, we don't have the --

the towrope things

at possum lodge.

Anyway, I'm up there,

and bill -- he's --

he's pretty bagged.

You know, he's --

he's an older fella, you know?

[ honk! ]

oh, oh, oh.

And now I'm feeling

about the same as him.

But he jams the skis in there,

and he's got this, uh --

apparently this ski wax --

real slippery stuff.

But it gives you a little extra

spin when you're going.

[ whip! ]

oh, oh.

Thank you, bill.

And he puts that

all over the skis,

and they're just --

well, you get the idea.

So he puts my skis down

to show -- well, bill.

Bill, the skis seem --

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Goodbye.

Oh, man.

Down he goes.

Aah!

Starting to enjoy this now.

Oh, not quite so much.

But...

Enjoyed that.

So, I walk all the way down,

see what the heck's going on,

'cause those are my skis

down there.

And so far,

I'm enjoying myself real well.

Bill's okay.

That's good news, I guess.

The skis didn't fare

quite so well.

What are we gonna do now,

bill?

He goes back skiing.

I'm finished for the day.

So, up he goes,

and boredom is setting in

pretty deep for me now.

Sticks the poles in there.

He's -- he's kind of frozen.

I think he melted a bit

into the snow, but then --

oh, he's got no poles.

No poles.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh! Oh! Ohh!

Oh, the heck with this.

I've had enough.

Skiing with bill

is a total drag.

And now here's something

for you young people,

because you're young,

and you're strong,

and you'll eventually

recover from this.

[ music playing ]

for the first time anywhere,

here is the harold news network,

with harold green

bringing you all the news

that'll be of interest

to teenagers.

Chh, chh, chh, chh, chh,

chh, chh, chh, chh, chh.

[ laughs ]

okay. All right.

Uh, I'm harold green, and here's

our top stories for tonight.

Um, the older generation

continues to ruin the world

and destroy

the earth's ecosystem.

Old people started

three more world wars

that we young people

are gonna go have to fight in.

On the economic front,

old people hold all the jobs

that we young people could

probably do way more better

if we're given, like,

half a chance even maybe, huh?

New scientist evidence

have just shown

that people over the age of 20

lose some 10,000 brain cells

a day.

Scientists believe

this can account for

the world's problems,

from global warming

to cafeteria food.

Spunky -- oh.

This just handed in to me,

this late-breaking news.

Police may soon be investigating

the mysterious disappearance

of a 17-year-old boy

named harold.

[ laughs ]

and that's all the news there is

from the harold news network.

I'm harold green

saying good night.

Wa-a! Goodbye.

[ film projector clicking ]

now, I know

a lot of you teenagers

don't like to hear advice,

but communication is

an important part of life.

And besides,

who cares what you think?

There's a lot of stuff

that you don't know.

And I'm guessing

that there's one,

maybe even two experts

right there in your own home.

This, of course,

is your parents.

So, if you're wondering

what it's like to be

really, really intoxicated

or, say, caught naked

in a public place,

why not ask the people who've

been there -- mom and dad?

Especially mom.

Bob, uh, with these fish

and so on, is there --

is there some kind

of a chemical that we can add --

add to the lake that'll help

with the acidity and so on?

Limestone.

Limestone?

Yeah.

No, I knew that.

Uh, what I wanted to know,

was there --

was there some other chemical

that would work?

No.

Oh.

All right, all right.

Is there -- is there

another name for limestone

that, say, somebody like harold

or somebody wouldn't know?

Calcium carbonate.

Calcium carbonate.

Yes.

Great. All right.

Thanks, bob.

I'll get back now.

And -- and good luck

with your land-slope testing.

All right. Thanks.

[ boing! ]

uncle red, is that you?

[ laughs ]

what?

I just said, "is that you?"

oh, I thought

you said "statue."

anyway,

this, uh, limestone mess

turned out to be

a real disaster.

Wa-a! Pardon me.

Did you say "limestone"?

[ laughs ]

I meant

calcium carbonate.

What?

Calcium carbonate, harold.

I asked an expert.

I asked him

about the limestone,

and he said,

"use calcium carbonate."

uncle red, calcium carbonate

is limestone.

Don't push it, harold,

all right?

So, we sot four tons

of limestone into the lake,

which cost us 280 bucks,

and then we got a check

from the government for $102,

so it's just like

income-tax time again

as far as I'm concerned.

Well, think --

think of it this way.

You did something good

for the fish, and who knows?

Maybe you'll retrieve

the backhoe.

Oh, no, no.

When the lime--

when the calcium carbonate

hit the backhoe,

it just kind of disintegrated

into a cloud of rust.

Kind of a low rumble,

bad smell,

and then the tires

popped to the surface.

Well, there you go.

The -- the tires.

The tires are probably

worth something.

They popped

through the boathouse.

Then they just popped.

Then they sank,

taking my new canoe with them.

[ chuckles ]

well, hey, you -- you tried

your best, young fella.

Don't blame yourself.

I don't, harold.

I blame you.

Why? What did I do?!

I didn't do anything.

You're the guy

that was using the rock

as the emergency brake

for the backhoe, weren't you?

I-I...Didn't do that.

Wa-a!

And anyway, let's just remember

who used the backhoe last.

Wa!

All right, well,

I'll blame the rock.

It's what I wanted to do

in the first place, anyway.

[ screeching ]

oh, okay.

Forget that, uncle red,

because it's meeting time.

That's the possum squeal.

All right, harold.

You -- you go ahead.

I'll be --

I'll be right down.

Well, uh, that's --

that's about it for this show.

And if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

unless it rains and I harden.

And, uh, to the rest of you,

on behalf of myself

and, uh, rock head

and the whole bunch of us

here up

at the possum lake lodge,

thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

all rise.

All: Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.