The Sinkhole/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, guys aren't very

good at doing two things

at once.

That's why you'll never see us

simultaneously have dinner

and make conversation,

or drive and

look at a map,

or go shopping and smile.

When we sit down

in our favourite chair,

we're there for

one of two reasons...

Either to read the paper

or to watch television.

The problem is these

days the geniuses who

broadcast the shows

are always filling up

the bottom of the screen

with words to distract us.

Like weather warnings

and urgent news updates

and other stuff that has

absolutely nothing to do

with gilligan's chances of

getting off the island.

So here's what you do...

Get yourself one of

these old, top loading vcrs

and then duct tape a metal

ruler onto the tape

loading mechanism.

Now the next time my favourite

show is rudely interrupted

by reality,

I just hit the

eject button,

and I'm back

in fantasy land.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Take a look at

this baby, huh?

You ever see a bit that long?

I can drill holes in the wall

without even getting

out of my recliner.

Man, I love tools.

Hi, uncle red!

Well,

not all tools.

We've got a problem.

Yeah, we've got a problem.

'cause I was

out measuring,

you know,

with my spirit level,

and I realise now that

the lodge is out of plum.

Indoor plumb

or outdoor plum?

Both!

Yeah, the whole lodge

leans a little to

the left.

Harold,

this is canada.

Everything leans a

little to the left.

Yeah, okay, but I

think you really --

you gotta do

something, though,

before it turns

into a serious problem.

Oh, harold,

gee, you know,

stop lookin' for

things to worry about.

Well, you think if

you ignore problems,

they'll go away.

Well, it hasn't

worked so far.

Uncle red,

we are not level.

Well, that's because

of the way you're

holding the thing.

If you lie it down on

the floor, it'll be

perfect.

Oh, really?

Sure, it'll be fine.

Look. You look.

Look. Look. Look.

See?

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives this coupon

from super suck

installed vacuum systems

for their home

liposuction kit,

for your mat, your cat

and your excess fat.

Okay, cover your

thingies, dalton.

Uh, mr. Green, you have

30 seconds or one-half minute,

whichever comes first,

to get dalton humphrey

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

mike.

And... Go!

Okay, dalton, you tell somebody

you're gonna do something

and you can count on it,

that is a...

Lie.

Okay, remember we saw that

girl singer at the

amateur show?

We all said she

showed a lot of...

Cleavage.

Okay, this is something that

your parents always told you

to keep your...

Pants on.

No, okay. Okay.

When you and ann marie

exchanged marriage vows

that was a...

Horrible mistake.

No, okay, no, I'm saying

you married ann marie

because she

gave you her...

Ultimatum.

Almost outta

time, mr. Green.

No, dalton, ann marie vowed

to love, honour and obey,

and that was a...

Fantasy.

I promise you that.

There we go!

Welcome to the expert

portion of the show.

It's the part of the programme

where we examine

those three little words

men find so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

It's funny coz it's true.

Okay, today's letter

goes as follows...

"dear experts..."

la la la.

"my adult son recently

moved back home

"after quitting a series of

unrewarding jobs.

"my wife and I

are happy to see him

"and pleased to help him out.

"one question: How long do we

have to keep this act up?"

well, I figure that letter

took three or four days

to get here,

so I would say

your work is done.

Well, this fella's boy

sounds a bit like

my son orville.

Oh, yeah?

Orville has trouble

holding down a job?

Orville has trouble

holding down a sandwich.

He don't have what they

call your work "ethnic."

work is "obsoletely"

foreign to him.

A bit lazy,

is he, charlie?

He don't do enough

to be lazy.

He's more in the

comatose category.

Well, you know what I think?

You know what I think?

I think parents gotta

learn to be more patient,

you know, because sometimes

it takes a while

for a child

to find himself.

Orville's not even

lookin' for it.

Well, to me, it starts

with getting a job,

because once you

make an income,

the guy can start

to find his own way.

That's kinda what I did.

Really?

What job was that?

I don't remember

you ever having a job.

Well, I married

bernice, harold.

That's a vocation

with no vacation.

Well, I wouldn't mind

so much if the

young people

would at least help

out a little bit

after they move

back home.

I mean real help,

not what orville does,

sittin' around all day

in his underwear,

saying that's his way of

cutting down on the laundry.

Valeda's church group

finds it terribly distracting.

And it can't be good

for the house plants.

Oh! Oh!

I have an idea!

Why not send him

here to the lodge?

Yeah. Because there's

always things around here

that need fixing

and apologizing for.

Okay, charlie, I think

what harold means is

that if orville comes

here to the lodge,

then harold would

go and stay with you.

Are you familiar with the

expression fair exchange?

Are you familiar

with the expression,

not a snowball's

chance in hell?

Well, see,

there's your answer.

Make the best of

the orville you have,

because there could be a

harold right around

the corner.

You know, marriage

is a compromise.

If you're married,

you're compromised.

So you end up making deals.

You know, trade-offs.

Like in my case, for every

ten vehicles I bring home,

my wife is allowed

to renovate the kitchen.

On the plus side, bernice says

I can use all this old stuff

to build anything I want,

as long as you can't

see it from the street.

So I'm thinkin' if I could use

the discarded appliances

and what have you

to customize one of the

vehicles that caused the

problem in the first place,

hey, that's the closest a guy

like me ever gets to winning.

And the best part about

renovating your vehicle

with kitchen fixtures

is you're only limited

by your own imagination.

[ snoring ]

okay, let's say you need to

replace the old hood ornament

because the original one was

stolen, or maybe it broke off.

Maybe when you went for

supper at bozo's fast

food drive-thru

and you caught the hood

ornament in one of the

clown's nostrils.

Who hasn't done that?

Okay, so if you're

a buick man,

you might wanna go with

something tall and thin,

like this meat thermometer.

Personally, I've always

wanted to drive a jag.

So I stuck the old kitchen

faucet on there,

because if I ever

do buy a jag,

I'll be tapped out.

Of course, now,

the faucet doesn't run.

But hey, it's a jaguar.

Next I wanna jazz up

my old rims

with something stylish,

something unique.

I'm thinkin'

stove top elements.

The only way this

baby'll ever burn rubber.

Now, at the back of the car

you've got a couple

of options.

If you're a young, rich kid,

you're probably spoiled.

You're gonna

wanna have a spoiler.

How about the

oven hood, huh?

The beauty there is,

if your car burns oil,

you can always turn on

the exhaust fan.

Or maybe you're into the

whole retro nostalgia craze.

Well, then maybe you

need a rumble seat.

Okay, you might wanna

test these first

with some kind of balust

to make sure they don't

fall off at high speed.

Harold!

I've gone ahead

and replaced

the door that sticks

on my glove compartment.

In fact I replaced

the whole compartment

with this easy

to open bread box.

I've also expanded my car's

beverage holding capacity

with this tray

from my dishwasher.

How many doughnuts can you

get in your cup holder?

And that's not a euphemism.

Oh, and one more thing...

The next time

you get pulled over,

and you will

get pulled over,

no more fumbling

around in your wallet

for you license

and registration.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should --

oh, I almost forgot.

You ever wanted

a tinted window?

Well, guess what?

If you've got an oven door,

you got one.

Looks pretty hot,

doesn't it?

Not the first time

I've driven a hot car.

Wanna talk to you older guys

about not being the center

of attention anymore,

not at work,

not at home,

not even at

the police station.

And we were right there,

weren't we, huh?

I mean, music, tv,

movies, literature,

it all revolved

around us,

because we were the baby

boomers, huh?

Well, baby,

we boomed.

And it's a tough adjustment

when the advertisers

don't care

about you anymore.

Especially after

we did our part,

buying the pet rocks

and the patty stackers

and all those abba albums.

Well, I'm bettin' you can

hear the drums, fernando,

'cause there are

50 million new kids in town

and we're hanging on by

the skin of our dentures.

Okay, so pop culture

has passed us by.

So what?

We're not old;

we're classic.

We're retro.

We're so out we're in.

Let madison avenue

just barrel on outta sight.

They've moved on to

the next generation,

well, so have we.

Now that our kids have kids,

we have something

better than pop culture,

we got grandpop culture.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

you know, there are a

lot of ways to get rich,

but most of them involve

hard work and perseverance.

Where's the fun in that?

But if you're

lazy enough,

you can find

another path to wealth.

What if you could get one

appliance to do the job of two?

Huh? Wouldn't

that save you money?

Which is the same

as being rich...

Sort of.

Okay, here we have

a fresh load of laundry,

which is now supposed to

go into an expensive dryer.

But I'm not gonna do that.

I'm gonna put it

into this old fish net.

Oh, sure,

it's not strong enough

to hold perch

or pickerel anymore,

but I think it can

handle a load of frillies.

Now watch and learn how the

experienced fisherman

can turn a washer

into a dryer.

[ applause ]

[ red huffing and

puffing ]

well, the lodge

is sinking fast.

People have been

saying that for years.

I tell you, it's really

cutting into the beer

consumption

because you get

the glass half full,

she starts spilling

right over the side.

Uncle red. Uncle red.

You okay?

You all right?

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

There we go.

I got the quote from

flinty mcclintock.

He says he can jack

the lodge back up

for $37,000.

$37,000!

He's jackin' up

more than the lodge!

Well, what do

you wanna do?

Oh, man, harold.

You know, it's not

that bad.

You take off one shoe,

you lean a little.

You know,

it's not bad.

All these years,

I thought that

bear was dead.

How did this

happen, harold?

Well, obviously the

land under the lodge

is too soft to support

the lodge itself.

Well, is that

the lodge's fault,

or is that the

ground's fault?

It's your fault.

Possum lodge

has like 100 years

of environmental

infractions against it.

You know, finally it's

caused a big pocket

of air or gas

or something

underneath the lodge,

and now, you know,

it's sinking.

Harold, you know,

when I ask you

a question,

I wanna hear good news,

not the truth.

No, no!

I'm not giving up.

I'm gonna find some way

to straighten the lodge.

What are you gonna

do with that?

I dunno.

I just think better

when I'm drillin' holes.

[ applause ]

red: We were cleanin' up some

leaves out behind the lodge.

You know, just kinda fillin'

in on a Saturday there.

And the thing

with leaves is

you gotta pick your spot.

And dalton was

over in my area,

so I pushed him

away a bit,

and then he decided

to move into winston's area,

and winston thought instead of

raking them off the lawn

he'd skip the middle man

and go right into the

tree for the leaves.

And he hooked onto an old

beehive there.

Down she comes,

and we're --

we hear a buzz,

but you know, I'm thinkin',

that buzz is not comin'

from the bee --

that beehive is dead.

There's a buzz comin'

from somewhere else.

And then we

realise what it is.

It's walter with one

of those gas powered

leaf blower things.

And he goes over

to the hive.

It flies through

the air, right in --

well, now we get

an idea, see.

Something like broom ball,

except called

"vroom" ball.

Get the gas powered

leaf blowers.

Got a goal at each end.

And walter and dalton

are on the one team,

winston and I

are on the other team.

So it's vroom ball

night in canada

and drop the hive

and away we go.

And walter, a little

questionable play there.

He takes off and

he's headin' for --

winston's there and --

defence, defence, defence.

Illegal!

That's high sticking.

And down he goes.

And then dalton

and I are takin' --

what I noticed,

I had the deluxe unit,

which had not only the

blow setting on it,

but also had

the suck setting,

so it's great for defence.

And.. It just...

Now I switch

her over to blow

and fire away off

winston's hat.

We got a goal!

[ chuckling ]

hey, hey, hey.

That's

unsportsmanlike conduct.

Two minutes.

Oh, boy.

Ah, you ol' blowhard.

[ applause ]

you know, painting

the outside of your house

is a job that can

ruin your summer

or your marriage

or both.

Eats up your free time

and it requires

a lot of work.

And if you're like me,

you like to have a

lot of the first

and pretty much

none of the second.

Oh, sure, I suppose you

could pay somebody to

paint your house.

But if you're

watchin' this show,

you're probably more of a

self-serve gas kind of guy.

So here are a few ways to

actually make this job

enjoyable.

Just don't let your wife know

you're having a good time.

If she wanted

you to have fun,

she would never

have married you.

[ applause ]

well, I was out drilling

holes in the big pine tree

out behind

the lodge there,

and that's when it hit me.

I mean, we're trying to

jack up the lodge from

underneath,

but we could also pull

it up from on top.

So I look up and

I see a great big branch

coming off

that very same tree,

I mean, that goes right

over the peak of the roof.

I remember my Sunday school

teacher saying,

you always look for

signs from up above,

and so far it had only

been pigeon droppings.

Okay, uncle red,

I got it --

you all right?

Not a problem.

Easy. Easy. Easy.

I got the rope all tied

around the tree branch.

Now, if I knew what

you were doing,

would I like it

any better?

Probably not,

harold.

Okay, I don't wanna know

what you're doing then.

Well, see, I've got

a heavy duty boat

winch here

attached to the main

post that holds up

the lodge here.

I don't wanna know!

♪ la-la-la-la ♪

then I ran the rope up

around the tree branch

and so I can actually

pull the lodge up

just by turning

the crank.

And you think that post is

gonna take all that stress?

[ chuckling ]

couldn 't resist putti''

your two cents in,

eh, harold?

You may be a man yet,

you know that?

Harold, this post has been

holding the lodge up

for a lot of years.

It's not goin'

anywhere.

I don't think

it's strong enough.

No, I think

it's good.

I think it's fine,

harold.

Well, I say no.

Thank you, harold.

No, I'm still

saying no, uncle red.

No, I think

it's good.

That post is

gonna break!

I don't think so,

harold.

See?

You're dead wrong.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead,

harold.

I'll be right down.

Um, if my wife is watchin',

um, I'll be comin'

home a bit later tonight.

You know how you always wanted

someone to level the lodge?

Well, as always,

I think I'm your man.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down now.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change

if I have to,

I guess.

Now, men, I've been thinkin'.

Men: Uh-oh!

No, no, see the problem here is

the reason the lodge is slanted

is because we got some

trapped air or gas

under the one side.

And that of course

is the high side.

We're trying to jack up the low

side to match the high side.

Well, that's dumb.

I figure if we can

drill a hole in the floor,

we can relieve

the pressure, see,

and that'll drop the high side

right down to the low side

and we'll be golden.

[ men coughing ]

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