Mailbox Wars/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Economists have a whole bunch of

theories to explain the

high cost of living.

But I'll tell you what it is:

Vehicle inspections.

See this little stone chip

on the windshield here?

Well, they'll

make me fix that.

Is that crazy or what?

I mean, what is the point

of being able to negotiate

an automobile

purchase of $25,

if I then gotta spend

100 bucks puttin' a new

windshield into her?

That's a recipe

for disaster.

Well, I have

a different recipe...

Add one large egg

to windshield,

using handheld

convection oven,

cook egg until

no longer runny.

And to really

fool the inspector,

stick one of these magnetic

signs onto the side of

the vehicle.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate that.

Yeah. I could

really use that.

I'm a little bit upset.

Look what happened

to my mailbox here.

I haven't been this mad

since that lap dancer

offered me the

senior's discount.

Uncle red?

Yeah?

See? You can use this

replace your mailbox.

Well, that's your

hamster cage.

It's all right.

He's safe.

I took him out and

put him in your

sock drawer.

You know, I wondered why that

one pair was so hard to unroll.

Audience: Ohhhhhhh!

Actually, that's

not gonna work as

a mailbox, harold,

because it lets

the rain in, eh,

and then anybody

walking by can

see my mail.

Oh yeah! All those

hemorrhoids pamphlets

and stuff.

Look, they go me too!

Oh man!

You know what it is?

It's the darn

teenagers, eh?

They hang out the

car window there,

they got

a baseball bat,

and they grand slam

our mailboxes into

the next county.

And they think

that's fun!

Okay, well, it is fun,

but not for us!

You don't know

it's teenagers!

It could be anybody.

You know, it could

be um... Um....

It could be roy

the mailman. Yeah!

Maybe roy went nuts,

and he did it.

Harold, who ever heard

of a postal worker

going nuts?

Why is it that today's teens

have to wreck everything?

Whatever happened

to sex and drinking?

Why would you be

asking him?!

Hey!

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize is a coupon

for a free pony

from the screaming pony

breeding centre.

Where every pony

is a little horse.

Okay, edgar,

cover your ears.

Edgar, co --

forget it.

Red, you've got 30 seconds to

edgar to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, edgar... Edgar!

This is a game where you try

to put the balls into

the pockets.

I don't play those

kinds of games, red.

Okay, okay, um,

you can swim at a fancy hotel

if it has one of these...

A flooded basement?

No, no, okay.

I got an idea.

Um... Say

"loop" backwards.

Loop.

All right, okay,

look, okay...

When a man and a woman

decide to have children,

their genes...

End up on the floor.

Almost outta time, red.

I know. I know.

Okay, I know.

When you have a bunch of

talented people together

what's that called?

Certainly

not this show!

Well, edgar,

you're on it, you know.

Well, one person doesn't

make a talent pool, red.

There we go!

[ ♪ ]

can you smell me now?

Yeah.

Good.

[ ♪ ]

can you still smell me?

Good.

[ ♪ ]

can you smell me now?

Good.

[ ♪ ]

can you smell me now?

Good.

Anncr: Rothschild's sewage

and septic sucking services.

Can you still smell me?

Good.

Anncr: We smell bad

so you don't have to.

You know, I'm a guy who likes

to eat a lot of hot dogs.

You can probably tell.

I cook them myself on one of

the barbeque grill units here,

and I always cook way too many,

but there's never any left over.

So my wife got me

this bike,

hoping if I ride this thing

that I would drop

a few pounds,

plus I'd be farther

from the food.

But I'm thinkin' there's

a way to ride this bike

that will actually enhance the

hot dog barbecuing experience.

Okay, first thing you wanna do

is remove the rear wheel.

Next you wanna get the

rim off of the wheel.

Now, I don't

mean the tire.

If I had meant the tire,

I woulda said the tire,

wouldn't I?

And there's lotsa ways of

getting that off there.

You could cut

that with a torch;

you could hack it off

with an axe;

you could just wail the

whole thing on a big rock

a few hundred times.

But the smart way is to take

a pair of side cutters

and cut the spoke right

where it meets the rim.

Now you just bend the spokes

away from the sprocket

side of the wheel.

They're easy to bend,

spikes are generally

soft-spoken.

And these aren't

just spokes anymore,

they're skewers.

Hot dogs taste

good any time,

but they're even better after

they got a few miles on them.

To me, nothin' says

class like rotisserie.

Sounds french, eh?

Like brassiere.

And to make

the rotisserie turn...

This is the part that

bernice is gonna love...

Coz I'll be

ridin' my bike.

Had to add a little

extra chain and brake cable,

but she's all

gonna pay off.

Coz I'm not just

gettin' exercise,

I'm "pedaling" my wares.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Now, at this point,

I like to add a little

barbeque sauce.

No problem.

Gettin' some

flame action?

Wanna throw a little

water on the fire?

Again, no problem.

Okay, if the water

doesn't put out the fire,

all's you gotta do is pick up

the pace a little.

Don't forget,

this is a 10-speed.

It's okay.

They were to go.

I have a little advice for

all you guys out there

with beards.

If you've had your beard

for five years or more,

that's a commitment.

Do not under any

circumstances shave it off.

You may think that

as time has passed

you've changed from

walter mathau to cary grant,

but I doubt it.

It's a beard,

it's not a cocoon.

You're not a

butterfly now,

you're just an

old caterpillar.

As time has gone by,

the part of your face

that's under that beard

has become a lost world

of sags, bags, crags,

wrinkles, crinkles,

wattles and warts.

Much better for

you and your wife

to remember you

the way you were then

rather than to see

the way you are now.

It's like watching an

old tv series on cable

and catching

the reunion show

and seeing how rough

the old actors look today.

It's bad enough

to watch that on tv;

you don't wanna see it

in your own mirror.

Toss that razor back

into the drawer.

You're way to old

to survive a close shave.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you,

we're all

in this together.

[ applause ]

how do you guys

feel about the way

leading men are presented

in today's movies?

Well, I haven't

seen any of 'em,

but I'm sure

they're all crap.

Well, I think there's

a problem there,

you know?

Women get one look

at these hollywood

fancy boys

and all of a sudden

their own husbands

seem somehow lacking.

I agree with that.

You know, guys

like brad pitt and

leonardo di caprio

make it very hard

for middle aged

career criminals

to get the all-important

second date.

You know, I've been

wondering a lot

lately if, uh,

ann marie still

finds me attractive.

Boy, that's crazy talk.

She never found

you attractive!

I'm serious!

I got into bed last night,

I was feeling amorous,

she completely

ignored me.

Well, it might help

if you slept in

the same room.

You know, maybe we

should work on our

appearances.

What if we worked out?

I tried the

stairmaster once.

Did it work?

Nope.

Stared at it

for half an hour.

You know what, though,

we're missing a big

detail here, see?

The leading hollywood men,

you know who they

hang out with?

The leading

hollywood women!

They're not cruising

up here to possum lake

to try to steal our wives.

Yeah. You know what it's like?

It's like my business.

I might not have the

best store in the country,

but I got the best

store in possum lake.

You got the only st --

let's not nitpick, okay!

Okay, but that's

a good point here.

See, the easiest way

to be the best man

in a woman's life

is to be the only

man in her life.

Exactly! Exactly!

Okay, here's the deal.

I need to be the only

man in ann marie's life.

So I want you two

to promise

that you won't steal

ann marie away from me.

Oh, you got my

word on that one.

Uncle red.

I've got a way to

catch our mailbox vandal.

You know

what these are?

Iron filings!

You been grinding

your teeth?

No, iron filings.

I put them inside the

mailbox, right,

and then whoever smashes it

all I gotta do

is take my handy dandy

metal detector here, right,

I just gotta --

harold!

We're tryin' to catch

a criminal, okay?

If I wanna science lesson,

I'll clean out the fridge.

Well, we can't just

keep buying new mailboxes.

I know, dalton's store

is almost sold out of 'em.

That's why I made

this baby.

Grab that baseball bat,

harold, I wanna show

you something.

'kay. Yeah, bring

that over here,

and just pretend

that you're the vandal.

Smash my new mailbox.

But what if it goes flying

off and smashes something

beautiful like...

Just hit the

mailbox!

Yeah, okay.

Oh! Ah ah ah ah ah...

Heheheheheh.

Harold... Cement.

Yeah, so's the

mailbox!

Red: Well, the plan was

we were gonna have

a little fishing trip

in the canoe,

and winston loves to fish

more than he loves to help.

So he just goes out

to the end of the dock --

had all the stuff there,

you know, I had the cooler,

and then, uh, walter kinda

showin' off, the way he does,

to launch the canoe.

Being more brawn than brain

he forgot to actually

put a rope on the canoe.

So you know I have really

just the one question...

What were you thinking?

So I get the anchor rope,

there, and I figure,

maybe if I could

just hook into that.

It's a metal canoe,

shouldn't be a problem.

That's a nice shot.

And then just start

pulling her in,

but there was kind of

a sandbar there

and it had some

foliage on it.

Next think you know the

canoe is all wedged on

there real good.

Do you mind, winston?

Do you mind?

I hate to interrupt

your fishin',

but if you could

just help us --

you notice whenever you get

two or more men doing something

a lot of 'em are helping,

but there's always gonna be

one guy who --

how can I put this?

Well, he's

fakin' it, really.

So I figure I'll switch from

manpower to horsepower.

Hook her up to

the possum van,

and I was just gonna

haul her away there,

but I thought if the guys

could get some waves goin'...

So I'm going, you know,

jump up and down.

It's a floating dock.

Jump up and down,

just get a few ripples,

something going on.

There we go.

That's it, that's it.

That's the idea.

And the possum van's got the

318-8 in her,

so I've got a lotta

jam so...

Probably was a little

over-aggressive in that.

Lotta loose rocks and stones

and what have you

well, we got our wave!

And, uh, watch your

head there, walter.

Okay, so I could see walter

swimmin' over to the dock.

I wasn't quite sure

where winston was.

And I got walter

up there.

But so far we go no winston,

we got no canoe.

But he pointed out

that winston was fishing.

Welcome to the experts

portion of the show.

This is where we examine

those three little words

that men find

so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

Ha! It's so true,

isn't it?

Okay, today's letter

goes as follows...

"dear experts..."

lalala!

"last night I dreamt I was

driving my car up a steep hill

"when the engine died

and it started to

roll backwards

"faster and faster until

I woke up in a cold sweat.

"what does this mean?"

well, it sounds like he

popped the clutch too fast.

No, no, uncle red,

I think this man wants us

to help interpret the

hidden meaning of his dream.

You're gonna have to go

into the world of the

unconscious mind!

And you're gonna need

to come out of it.

You know, I think this

dream is all about

anxiety.

Oh, well,

okay, okay, okay.

I get it, this guy's

afraid of hills.

No! No no,

this guy has a

fear of failure.

That's why he can't

climb the hill.

He's afraid if he stops

he'll slide

backwards again,

so he has to keep moving

forward and moving on.

Well, if he's afraid of hills,

he should move to saskatchewan!

You know, I had this

really weird dream once.

I was in my

jail cell, right?

And there was this

dwarf in the corner.

He was singing

the fulsom prison blues.

And my mother was sitting

in the cell next to mine.

That is so spooky.

I haven't got to the

part where I fell

asleep yet.

Okay, you know what?

I think we've -- thanks.

You know what else is cool?

Know what else is cool?

You know what else is cool?

You know what else is cool?

Those dreams

where you can fly.

Yeah!

Sometimes in those dreams

I have superpowers

that allow me to do things

that I can't do in real life

you know, harold,

getting a date

is not technically

superpower.

Um, what kind of dreams

do you have, mr. Green?

Oh, I don't have

dreams, mike.

You don't dream?!

Well, no, its sounds like

if you hafta have dreams

it's because you're

afraid of something,

or you want something

you can't have, so...

Wow, that's really

enlightened, uncle red.

Well, you know...

It takes

a lot of character

to be happy with where

you are and what you have.

Boy... Especially considering

your circumstances!

You know, it almost

makes me think

maybe I should just

hang around you forever!

I didn't say I don't have

nightmares, harold.

You ever notice how

when a man makes his bed

that his wife will

usually come back in

and make the whole

darned thing over again?

I've seen bernice come back in

here and tuck this thing in

tighter than

joan rivers' face.

So it's not really worth if for

a man to put a lot of effort

into making the bed.

And when it comes to the

business of not making

an effort,

I'm the president and ceo.

What we have here

is a bed that makes itself.

See this string?

Got this attached to all four

corners of my bedclothes.

Then they run down

through these eye-bolts

that are attached to all

four corners of the bed.

And they all meet up here.

This is one of those

retractable dog leashes.

So at night I let her

out a few feet,

so that bernice and I have

enough lead to roam

around a little

and then in the morning,

I just press the button.

Heel!

This mail box is

a little too heavy for me.

I figure as the cement

cures it'll get lighter.

Oh, uncle red!

Uncle red!

We just got a phone call

from junior singleton.

They think they caught the

guy who's been smashing

the mail boxes.

Yeah, mike and dalton are

bringing him over right now

so I can scan him.

You know, harold,

I don't understand

what you're saying,

and, gee,

I wish I cared.

The iron filings, I put

them in junior's mail box.

So whoever smashed it

is covered in the filings.

Yeah, filings that can

be picked up by this

metal detector.

See, it works

just like this...

[ beeeep! ]

ahhh! Ah! Ah! Ah!

It's the can.

It's the can.

We got him,

mr. Green!

He was hanging around

downtown outside the

recreation centre!

And he was carrying

a baseball bat!

Well, that's good

enough for me

right there.

Oh, no no no no.

We need more proof than that.

I gotta scan him!

Step forward.

[ no sound ]

maybe the metal detector's

not working, harold.

Oh, yeah.

[ beeeeeep! ]

ahhhhhhhh!

[ possum squealing ]

oh, it's

meeting time!

Well, what do

we do now?

Well, you guys might

as well go to

the meeting.

And the young fella here is

obviously not the bad guy.

You can either stay or go.

Whatever you want.

I should go.

I'm on deck.

Dalton, hang on a

minute there, will ya.

Yeah, sure,

what is it?

Just curious

about something.

Yeah?

[ beeping ]

pretty good year for

mail box sales,

is it, dalton?

You know, red, a man has

to make a living, you know.

I-I-I was hoping we could

kinda keep this our

little secret.

Well, what say you pay

everybody's lodge dues

this year, eh?

We'll let it

go at that.

Everybody's lodge dues!

That's not fair!

Man's got to make

a living, dalton.

Right!

Heheheheh.

I'll see you

at the meeting.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting,

and I'm hoping to put the

"male" back into mail man.

I might even have

a package just for you.

And to the rest of ya,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

All right, men,

I have some good news.

Dalton humphrey has offered

to cover everyone's dues

for the whole year.

That's would

probably mean more

if any of you were actually

planning on paying your dues.

[ ♪ ]