The Water Show/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

And I'm gonna build

a big rubber chair

for that special room

we all need.

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold: From the farthest

reaches of the north

to the farthest reaches

of the television audience,

a man who's really reaching,

my uncle, red green!

Whoo-hoo!

Thank you.

Thank you for tuning us in.

And, you know, harold,

that intro was actually

fairly prophetic.

Well, I liked it.

No, harold, I said, "prophetic."

not "pathetic."

but now

that you mention it...

Well, you know, maybe,

then, you should've used words

like, um, uh, "eclectic."

wa-a-a!

Something that means this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

oh, that would be "septic."

well, we had a top-level meeting

of the possum lodge brotherhood,

trying to figure out some way

we could generate

some cash flow around here.

Tourism --

that's the ticket.

We have to get

some americans up here,

'cause they spend money

like water.

And their money's

like real money, too.

We can make a fortune

just on boat gas.

'cause they use gallons. They

don't even know what a liter is.

That's right.

Well, actually, harold,

you hit it right on the nose.

And if you keep yammering,

I may do the same thing to you.

So now we got to figure out,

how the heck are we gonna get

tourists to come up here?

The three p's.

Not really looking

for any help here, harold.

Thanks anyway.

The three p's --

performance, production,

and, uh, uh...

Pencil -- no, not p--

uh, pamphlets?

It's, uh, promotion!

Promotion! Wa-a-a!

Promotion --

you got to see that.

Harold, you will personally

never see promotion.

So what we've decided to do

is to put on a water show

up here at possum lodge,

Tuesday nights

and Saturday afternoons.

What, you think maybe

that we could have, like,

better rooms

and safe drinking water?

That might be

a better gimmick.

Oh, no, harold.

No way, no way.

People won't even

think about that.

We figure that, uh,

we're gonna turn this thing

into the northern version

of cypress gardens.

Oh, yeah,

just like cypress gardens,

you know, except for the nice

weather and pretty girls.

We could have like, uh,

"black flies and bad rooms."

wa-a-a!

Oh, yeah,

there's a really good slogan.

Harold, when the people see

this water show,

they won't even think about

the minor inconveniences.

Matter of fact,

I was gonna ask you

if you wouldn't mind taking part

in the water show yourself.

Me?

Well...

Oh, no, I'd be very honored

to take part in the water show.

That'd be great.

Any capacity I can fit in,

I'm there. Wa-a-a!

You know, whatever

you need me to do, I'll do,

whether it's barefoot skiing

or kneeboarding

or slalom jumping

or bodysurfing.

Wa-a-a!

Oh, actually, we need

an anchor for the raft.

[ guitar playing ]

♪ the ant goes crawling

down the side of the road ♪

♪ straining

under his heavy load ♪

♪ just as he gets

his hill in sight ♪

♪ here comes my shoes,

right, left, right ♪

♪ his journey home

is now kaput ♪

♪ he only missed it

by a foot ♪

red: [ grunting ]

this week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

a few things that you can do

with all those tires you got

lying out on your front lawn.

Now, one festive idea is to

take, say, a wheelbarrow tire,

stack that on top

of a motorcycle tire

on top of a car tire

on top of a truck tire

on top of a tractor tire,

and what you have

is a very interesting-looking

rubber christmas tree.

That's an eye-catcher.

Of course, you can also do

the standard stuff, like,

you know, make a swing for the

kids out of a tire and so on.

But today I'm gonna show you

how to make a very unique

and extremely comfortable

one-of-a-kind easy chair.

Okay, now, you're gonna need,

uh, probably seven tires --

well, exactly seven tires

for this.

So if you only got,

say, three tires,

I suggest what you do

is you take your vehicle down

to the safety-inspection place,

and you may find that'll free up

at least four more.

Okay, step one.

[ grunts ]

you got to stack up

three tires.

One...

Two...

Three.

Now, uh, on the off chance

that you actually have

some tread on your tires,

you might want to

clean them out there,

because, uh, nothing will ruin

a relaxing evening

more than having maybe a bit of

roadkill or dog dirt in there,

especially if it's on the side

closest to the fire.

So just get in there

and clean that out real good.

A toothbrush works real well.

And, uh, when you're done,

you might want to clean that out

real good

before you put it back into

old man sedgwick's denture cup.

[ clatter ]

all right, uh, this becomes

your seat right here.

Now, uh, if you got

the hemorrhoids or anything,

you might want to go with

a soft-walled radial.

And you try and find yourself

a pail

that's the same diameter as

the inside diameter of the tire.

You just pop that

right in there.

Now you got a bucket seat.

Now, what this becomes

is, uh, your compartment

for holding, uh, snacks or your

favorite beverages or whatever,

'cause nothing

is more irritating

than trying to watch tv

and having to get up every

three hours to go to the fridge.

Of course, this serves

an entirely different purpose

during flu season.

All right, now,

you need a couple more tires

that become the, uh,

the arms of your chair.

You can make these

as decorative as you like.

Can put the studs on there

or the chains.

Uh, you can even

go hollywood on it --

you know, the hollywood style,

where they get their name carved

in the sidewalk and everything.

Well, you can have the name

right in the side of your tire,

uh, as long as your name's

bfgoodrich.

And, of course, nothing

says money like hubcaps.

Uh, especially if you can get

those, uh, simulated-spoke jobs.

They're beautiful, aren't they?

You pop them in there, and, uh,

don't worry if you have

a little rot in the hubcaps

because, uh, antique furniture

is actually worth more.

All right, now,

we need the back of our chair,

and that requires two tires.

Not that one, though.

[ clatter, crash ]

all right,

these two will be fine.

What we do

is we put them end to end.

And we got to attach them

to each other,

and we got to attach them to the

arms and to the chair itself.

Now, when you attach them

together there,

you can do that with glue

or a staple gun.

Or you could even use

an acetylene torch,

but that does tend to stink

to a certain extent.

So I recommend the handyman's

secret weapon -- duct tape.

And get that tape

nice and smooth on there.

Smooth tape is the sign

of a fine craftsman.

Now, I've mounted my picture

in the back there,

just so everybody knows

that this is my chair,

you know, in case

bfgoodrich ever drops by.

But you can put

a bumper sticker in there

or a steering wheel or even one

of those round italian loaves.

Now, uh,

the real ambitious handyman

would also make himself this,

uh, matching side table here.

It's just a wheel on an axle

and mounted

on a christmas-tree stand.

I did this with a volvo

'cause my wife really likes

the scandinavian furniture.

[ clatter ]

imports.

Well, let's give her a try.

Fools rush in where

angels fear the tread, huh?

Hope this doesn't put

another skid mark on my pants.

Oh, by golly, this is great.

Well, maybe --

[ clatter ]

good idea!

I'll see what's on tv.

Hey, stock-car racing's on.

This will be

just like sitting in the pits.

Isn't this the pits?

Great.

Well, maybe I'll have myself

a little snack,

something to eat, huh?

[ grunts ]

remember -- if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Tastes like a highway.

And now it's that part

of the show where we expose

the three little words

that men find so hard to say --

"I don't know."

wa-a-a!

And here to prove that point

on "the experts" portion

of the show, of course,

is my uncle red

and mr. Bob stuyvesant.

All right, here we go.

Uh, letter number one.

Well, yeah, it's the only one,

but anyway, okay, um...

"dear experts, I've been

married for nine years,

"and we are starting

to have some problems --

"little things like bickering

over who pays for pizza,

"and suddenly the bank account

is $8,000 overdrawn.

"and then the other day,

I couldn't help but notice

she had filed for divorce."

wa-a-a!

"do you have any suggestions?"

la-la-la.

Absolutely.

Take up golf.

Well, now, bob,

I think before we advise the guy

to run away from his problems,

maybe he should at least try for

a reconciliation of some kind.

Listen, red, I think I've been

down this road a time or two.

You know, what,

with my five messy divorces,

I think I know

what I'm talking about.

Golf.

All the world's problems

seem to diminish to nothing

when you're playing

a game of golf.

Wow, mr. Stuyvesant,

I didn't know you were

married five times.

Yep, harold, you know, and

it all starts off peachy keen,

and then they start

asking questions.

Like, you know, "I called you

at work the other day.

And you weren't there.

How come?"

or "are you coming home

for the weekend

to help with the move?"

or the one

I really like is,

"can't you get

an earlier tee-off time?

I mean,

it is our anniversary."

next thing you know, you're

talking through your lawyers.

Well, I think if our viewer

is listening closely

to what bob is saying here,

there's a pretty good clue

in there

as to maybe how you can patch up

your own marriage.

No, red, I mean,

whether we like it or not,

there's just some people

that aren't cut out

for the marriage thing.

I mean,

between this guy and me,

we've met six women

who fall into that category.

"it is autumn.

"the lake will soon freeze

hard as a rock,

"so get the boats

up on the dock,

"pull out the rowboat

and canoe...

"the runabout and sailboat, too.

"the big power boat

with the big gas tank.

One boat too many --

the dock just sank."

[ snap ]

hi, hap.

Going fishing?

I can't, red.

Some idiot broke

my fishing rod.

Yeah, I saw.

Hap, uh, is this boat

of yours strong enough

to tow water-skiers,

you think?

This boat will do anything

for a fee.

Will it run reliably?

I'm not sure

you have that much money.

Old man sedgwick said something

about a water show?

Yeah, well, that's what I need

the boat for, you know --

to pull the water-skiers.

Heck yeah. That's a bit lame,

isn't it, red?

I mean, water-skiers?

Why don't I wrestle a shark?

That's always

a good crowd-pleaser,

you know, me against

a great white shark.

We could call it

"the fearless fisherman."

yeah.

Or "the feeding frenzy."

no, no. I'm used to sharks.

I like sharks.

Well, sure, but they'll

swallow anything, right?

You know, hap, uh

I don't think sharks

can survive in freshwater.

Not that possum lake

is all that fresh.

Too bad -- jack cousteau

said my shark-fighting act

had to be seen

to be believed.

Well, I'd be with jacko

on that one.

I got it --

I'll ride bareback

on moby-dick --

the great white hunter

against the great white whale.

Oh, no, wait.

Whale's are saltwater

creatures, too.

Yeah, if you could just,

you know, pull the water-skiers.

No, I'll do

my high-diving act, then.

I jumped 400 feet into

a really damp face cloth.

Did I ever tell you

that story, red?

It's never been necessary.

And besides, we don't have

a 400-foot tower.

Oh.

Well, that's too bad.

All right.

I'll pull

the little water-skiers.

Great.

Thank you very much, hap.

That's too bad.

I can see me wrestling

the great white shark

or riding the great white whale.

Yeah, or telling

the great white lie.

Well, the possum lodge water

show is shaping up real good.

Uh, junior singleton was doing

timed laps in his speedboat,

and, uh, he stood up to wave

to the imaginary crowd

and t-boned the water-ski ramp.

Wa-a-a!

His prop came right through

my bedroom window -- twang!

Well, once we all

stopped laughing, you know,

and junior regained

consciousness...

We decided to have that

in every show, you know,

as the big finale.

So a bunch of the guys

are making spare ramps.

Uncle red, that's not how

a water show works, you know.

It's supposed to be a

demonstration of style and grace

and, you know,

athletic abilities.

I don't think

people go to cypress gardens

to see a demolition derby.

Well, we're pushing the envelope

a little bit here, harold.

And besides, we got

all the sissy stuff, too.

Like, uh, stinky peterson's

gonna slalom-ski on one ski,

which is good,

'cause we have one ski.

And a bunch of the guys

are gonna do a formation

while being towed around

the lake on the boathouse door.

Oh, really? That's great.

Oh, they're gonna do a pyramid.

Well, no, no.

The rehearsal I saw

looked more like stonehenge.

And, uh, moose thompson's

real keen to do something,

but if we get water skis long

enough to suit his body weight,

we'll have to move

to a bigger lake.

Well, maybe he can just, like,

bodysurf behind the bass boat.

Yeah, but we'd have to shave

his back before every show.

Yeah.

That's true.

You don't want a hairline

on the shoreline.

Wa-a-a!

Remember when all the trout

were coughing up hair balls?

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ I often think back

to my younger days ♪

♪ I sat in school

in a total daze ♪

♪ I remember when I showed

my dad my reports ♪

♪ he hoisted the jug

and horsed back a snort ♪

♪ it was the first time

I'd ever gotten all a's ♪

♪ unfortunately,

the marks were out of 100 ♪

♪ "a" stood for "absent" ♪

red: So, there I was,

out in the woods,

minding my own business,

not bothering anybody,

forgetting that it was time

for "adventures with bill."

bill is dressed

a little unusually, I felt,

for the weather --

kind of one of them

wet-suit snorkeling idea

things there.

And I'm not completely sure

that he had the headgear on

absolutely the way

they would recommend

down at the snorkeling place.

But I can understand them

not wanting to talk to bill.

Now he's checking

the water temperature,

and possum lake gets very,

very cold very early.

Any time from July 15th on,

by golly, she's real cold there.

So he's frozen his finger

right in there,

but I'm only too willing

to help him out on that.

Aah!

There you go.

Good as new.

Oh, oh, oh.

Won't be able to hitchhike

till I fix that.

No problem, bill.

And now he's got

this little, uh, bag

he's gonna catch all his

treasures in when he dives.

He puts them in the bag,

and it's got, like, the mesh,

and the water just flows out,

and the treasure stay in.

Now he's just gonna

get very, uh --

I think he has to

clean off the mask.

Well, he got his face in the --

face in the --

now, you know, a lot of guys,

when their finger froze, they --

yeah, exactly.

Well, what did you expect, bill?

But, uh, luckily, the, uh, same

solution will work on the face

that works on a finger,

because, uh, what I did was

I picked just a bigger rock --

what I call a face-size rock.

Hang on. Just stay still.

Stay still.

There he goes.

Get the ice out of there,

and, yeah, you're all right.

You're fine. You're fine. Yeah.

Now, uh,

what was happening at this point

was bill had had his plan,

but he was starting to adapt

as to what exactly --

he's just thinking to himself,

"boy, do I really want to

go into that?"

and I'm thinking to myself "no."

now, I would never have guessed

what bill was gonna do

as an alternative.

He handed me his glasses,

puts on the mask.

Now, there's no water around,

but he dives,

believe it or not, folks...

Into the leaves.

Once in a while,

bill goes over that line,

and I really don't quite

understand what's going on.

Strange noises -- and I feel

like I'm one of the extras

on "sea hunt" at this point.

And I saw

a bit of movement there.

You can't really look

for the bubbles coming up,

not with bill.

And, of course, you don't want

the bubbles coming up.

There he is. There he is.

There he is.

Cleaning out his snorkel.

Oh, patoohey!

You, uh, you got a little bit

of leaves in the mask there.

Then down he goes again,

back into the dive.

Boy, oh, boy -- catching things

and getting treasures

and just having an adventure

of a lifetime, I would think.

And certainly nothing

that's ever been done before

in the history of man.

Boy, what I'd give

for a depth charge right now.

Come on, bill.

Here he comes. Here he comes.

He's gonna surface, captain!

Avast the ballast or something.

I don't know.

And up he comes, and, uh,

none the worse for wear.

He didn't start out that great,

actually.

A little leaves

in the hat there, bill.

Anyway, he did get --

oh, the treasures.

He'd been getting all the nuts.

But one of the squirrels

wasn't too pleased

about him stealing his nuts,

and I don't blame him.

[ chomp ]

oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, that hurts.

Hey, bill!

Oh, and he takes

all his nuts back.

Well, that's what you get.

Oh, no, no, no, he took

all his nuts back except one.

What are you gonna do

with that, bill?

Oh, look -- I got another rock.

I can help you out, you know,

the same technique.

Come on, bill. Come on.

Come on, bill.

I don't blame you.

These days, a lot of the young

people are demanding equal time,

so here's harold,

which should pretty well

put an end to those demands.

Oh, hi!

Well, today's show

is aimed at those of you

who are too young to vote

but, you know,

too old to use the same phone

as the rest of the family,

so here we go.

Today's topic is...

[ keyboard clacking ]

...Safe sex.

Wa-a-a!

Okay.

All right, um...

I want to get serious

for a few minutes, if I could,

and t-talk about,

uh, you know, uh...

S-safe sex.

Wa-a-a!

All righty.

Um...

Harold?

Yeah?

Aren't we supposed to be

watching "handyman corner"

or "adventures with bill"

or a dead tree

or something interesting?

Yeah, uncle red, I was --

I was gonna talk about safe sex

on, uh, on, uh,

"teen talk" today.

Oh. Well, all right.

Go ahead, harold.

Really?

Yeah, go ahead.

You want me to go on?

All right. Um, okay, uh...

Safe sex.

Well, it's when -- when --

you know, it's like -- wa-a-a!

It's safe, you know,

because, when you do it --

wa-a-a!

You know, okay,

all right, okay.

If you got -- wa-a-a!

You're saying I can do it,

right?

Okay, it's safe, right?

So -- wa-a-a!

Wa-a-a!

Harold. Harold.

I want to do it!

I want to do it!

Harold.

What?

This is something you'll

never have to worry about.

[ door slams, clatter ]

that's not safe.

When I see you young teenagers

of today, you know,

hanging out at the video arcade

or driving around in one of them

four-wheel stereos,

I can't help but think

that you're missing

a big part of teenage life.

And that is having

a darned interesting hobby --

hunting or fishing or camping

or hiking or whittling --

that kind of thing.

You know,

a hobby is an important part

of your development,

and it helps fill in the time

while you're waiting to turn

into something worthwhile.

And make sure

you pick a real one.

You know, skipping stones

across store windows at the mall

is not a hobby,

and neither is auto theft.

And you may think getting along

with girls is a hobby now,

but after you get married,

that turns into a job.

And nothing kills a hobby faster

than turning it

into a full-time thing.

I'm officially

out of the ambulance business.

Well, okay, then,

how'd you like to be in the

water-show business, dougie?

'cause we're thinking

of having our own kind

of water-aqua-rama show

up at the lodge --

kind of attract tourists,

you know?

You got permission?

You got insurance?

You got liability coverage?

You got licenses to sell food

and beverages?

No.

Uh, we have boats.

Red, red.

[ chuckles ]

don't you remember, my friend,

a couple of years back,

I was gonna do my own

automobile thrill show?

I mean,

it was you that said

I was kind of

a natural hell driver.

Not quite the way

I worded it.

I had all my cars

lined up in rows,

had the whole place

all fixed up,

well, much like

you see it right now.

Yep, it was gonna be

"the dougie franklin

automobile theme park

and wreck-o-rama."

oh, right. That never opened

to the public, did it, doug?

No, sir. Killed by paperwork

and red tape.

But you know, dougie,

I was thinking,

maybe we get the people

to sign some kind of a --

forget it, red.

Forget it.

I mean, unless you got

everything in triplicate,

the government ain't gonna

let you crush a single thing.

I mean, we tried

to get somebody --

a volunteer from the audience,

for pete's sake, a volunteer --

just to get on

that motorcycle

and ride through

the wall of death.

We had a waiver for him to sign

and everything.

Unbelievable.

I'm telling you.

I used to believe

this here was a free country.

Well, no, sir.

No, sirree, bob.

No.

You're right, dougie.

Paperwork and red tape

is killing the initiative

of the small-business man.

Truer words have never

been spoken, my friend.

Well, looks like

the possum lodge water show

is out of business.

I'll tell you,

the government sure knows how

to take the fun

out of risking lives.

I'm telling you, I'm glad

they shut you guys down.

I think you went way over

the top in some of these events.

Waterskiing on a chain saw?

"old man sedgwick

and his trained crayfish."

and that bit where all the boats

crashed into a ball of fire.

Come on! Wa-a-a!

That's a fire hazard there.

It's not a fire hazard,

harold.

It was all taking place

out on the water.

That's not water.

That's possum lake.

Yeah, he's right about that.

Well, we're gonna do

the water show once, anyway,

'cause the guys have put

a lot of work into it,

and, you know,

they're all kind of keyed up.

Everybody's boats

are running real good.

And old man sedgwick had rented

the ballerina costume

for the crayfish.

So we're gonna wind her up,

and we're gonna let it go.

And moose has even got a routine

that he's gonna do for us.

A bucking bronco

on an outboard?

I thought you cut that.

Well, he had his heart

set on it, harold.

And this time, he's promised

to fly into a smaller tree.

[ screeching ]

oh, that's meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead, harold.

I'll -- I'll be right down.

Well, uh, that's about it

for this time.

So, if my wife is watching, uh,

I'm probably gonna be

a little bit late tonight

because after the meeting, uh,

we're gonna have the water show.

And I would think

that would be followed

by about, oh, 45 minutes of cpr.

By the time the fire trucks

and ambulances are out here,

it's gonna be sundown or later.

So, for the rest of you,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

thanks so much for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching continues ]

harold: All rise!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

I know you're all pretty excited

about the water ski show

that we're gonna put on

right after the meeting.

[ cheers and applause ]