The Movie Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Arved

for attention.

It's just that we have

such a huge appetite for it.

It's not smart or correct,

but it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

on today's show, buzz sherwood's

gonna do some renovations

to his bush plane,

I'm gonna show you some

safety tips using a power drill,

bill's gonna show you

how to have your kayak

and beat it, too,

and edgar k.B. Montrose is gonna

blow off a little steam.

And now here he is,

the biggest star of the great

outdoors since godzilla,

my uncle, red green!

Thank you very much,

and welcome to possum lodge,

where men are men

and harold is my nephew.

[ metallic whirring ]

hello, world.

Bye, earth.

Real exciting stuff this week.

Apparently, possum lake

is the site of a ufo invasion

with space creatures

landing right here.

[ laughs ] no.

That's just old man sedgwick

in his underwear.

No, harold.

Stinky rented some boats

to a couple of americans there,

and, uh, he figures

they're here

to track the ufo space alien

creatures coming into town.

They said

they were just fishing,

but, hey, they didn't have

any fishing equipment.

Well, that's okay.

Possum lake doesn't have

any fish.

Uncle red, okay,

maybe they're not here to fish,

but what would lead you

to suspect

the fact that

they're chasing aliens?

You guys have been

watching too many

episodes of the "x-files."

no, harold. They had

strange black luggage

and cases

with strange metal parts in it.

Stinky said he's never

seen anything like it,

so he figures it must be

an alien-life-form detector.

Why would it

have to be that?

Because stinky's never seen

an alien-life-form detector,

either,

so it kind of makes sense.

What's the matter?

Can't you understand

simple logic, harold?

Not that simple.

Uncle red, it could be

any number of things

stinky hasn't seen

before --

like a book, an opera,

a bar of soap.

[ laughs ]

[ engine sputtering ]

[ imitates engine whirring ]

oh, how's it going?

[ imitates engine whirring ]

[ squeaking ]

♪ oh, they're weighing the fish

at the fish weigh-in ♪

♪ down at mercury creek ♪

♪ first prize is a boat

and 1,000 bucks ♪

♪ for the biggest fish

of the week ♪

♪ I caught me

a nice little sunfish ♪

♪ it's gonna make me

a winner ♪

♪ not from the weight

of the fish itself ♪

♪ but from the ball bearings

I fed it for dinner ♪

[ clacking ]

all right, last night, you went

to a party with your wife

or your girlfriend

or your female companion.

Well, yeah, your significant

mother, eh?

Yeah.

And today

you're finding out

that you did not have

quite as good a time

as you thought you did.

This is because your partner

did not appreciate you

ignoring her totally, eh,

or flirting with other women

or doing

that old party trick.

You know that one you used to do

where you'd, uh --

you'd play

"god save the queen"

by making them loud,

wet sounds

with various parts

of your body?

Amazing how many people don't

appreciate live entertainment.

Yeah.

Anyway, you got yourself

into a bit of a jam,

and you need our help

to get out of the situation.

Whenever you can,

blame the booze, eh?

Absolutely.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Just say to your wife or

your significant mother there

that you were,

uh, overserved,

you know, and you just weren't

acting yourself.

Of course, now,

if you don't drink,

that's unfortunate,

because it forces you to lie.

You're gonna have to say,

"well, I'm sorry.

"I was upset about --

I don't know --

the death of a close friend"

or something.

Okay, but now, you know,

she's gonna say, "who died?"

and you're gonna be expected

to come up with a name, eh?

Well, just saying

"old what's-his-name"

probably not gonna cut it.

No, no.

What I like to do is

I like to, uh, name a friend

from the past

that I really don't care

if I ever see again.

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Or you could take

the tough route and just say,

"hey, that's the way

I am at parties,

and that'll be

the end of that."

yeah, but that'll also be

the end

of you ever going to parties

with her again

or anywhere

with her again

or anywhere

with anybody again.

Yeah, all right.

So, I guess --

I guess the best thing

is just to see her side of it

and stop acting like a wiener.

Unless, of course,

you're a heavy drinker,

which, as we say,

gets you off scotch-free, eh?

[ metallic whirring ]

well, with all this talk

of aliens spying on us,

I thought I'd take this week's

"handyman corner" --

show you how you can build

your very own telescope.

Maybe you can do

some spying on the aliens

or scan the core of the center

of the galaxy

or check out the windows

in the houses in your area.

All right, now, for starters,

you're gonna need

a cement mixer,

which, actually,

you can get for free

if you have after-hours access

to your local construction site.

First thing

you want to do is, uh,

to make the inside of the cement

mixer a reflective surface.

You can do that by, uh,

putting a chrome plate in there

or maybe lining her

with tinfoil.

But I recommend the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

Just get in there --

[ echoing ] get right in

and stick her on the sides

and up into the back and get all

the corners and anything that --

where the light

is gonna possibly hit that.

All right,

you just basically line

the whole inside of her there.

Now we come to the really hard

part of the project.

You have to eat some salad.

Not because it's good for you,

but because

we need to use the bowl

as our primary lens

for the telescope.

[ drill whirring ]

now, the salad bowl lens there

will catch all the light,

fire it down inside the mixer,

where it bounces around

on the duct tape,

and then it will come out

this hole that I've drilled.

Well, I'm glad that wasn't

my drill bit.

All right, now,

to focus the light even more,

you get one of these drain traps

out of your kitchen sink

and you take the elbows apart.

And you want to put a little

mirror in each elbow.

Now, you're saying to yourself,

"where am I gonna find

a mirror that small?"

how about right in front

of your eyes?

[ pop! ]

stick that in,

one in each elbow at a 45-degree

angle facing each other,

and then you mount the whole rig

back into the hole that we made.

[ sizzling ]

I would wait

till she cools down first.

All right, you're all set to be

the peeping tom of the universe.

And the beauty

of the cement-mixer rig is

with all the gears and levers

and the way she's mounted here,

you can pretty much aim it

at whatever it is

you want to look at.

You can tune in mars or saturn

or even look up uranus.

Wow, the milky way

is all green and leafy.

Wait a minute.

Oh, for gosh sakes.

Piece of dried salad on there.

All right, let's try that again.

[ spits ]

[ zap! ]

whoa!

Sun is bright. Man.

I'll tell you, though --

telescope works great.

I can see a black hole...

Everywhere.

So, remember --

if women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

I'll tell you what --

this is more than a telescope.

It's also a great fire starter.

Stay tuned.

Bill and I are gonna have

a run-in out on possum lake,

and harold is either excited

about getting into the movies

or into the washroom.

Want to talk to any of you guys

who've been married to the same

woman for 20 years or more.

I know

what you're going through.

Bernice and I are in our

28th year of controlled bliss.

I know it takes a little extra

to keep her going that long.

You know, it seems that after

about 20 years of marriage,

uh, the marriage turns into

kind of like a routine,

sort of like being on a diet,

losing a whole bunch of weight,

then they put you on what

they call a maintenance diet.

Yeah, a lot of marriages

turn into a maintenance diet,

you know?

You can have a little nibble

every once in a while,

but there's a general embargo

on pigging out.

Well, seems to me

that this is all backwards,

you know,

'cause when you're young

and as good-looking

as you're gonna get,

you don't need anybody making

a fuss over you at that time,

'cause you got

lots of alternatives.

You can get anybody you want.

But when you've grown

a little older,

maybe put on a couple of hundred

pounds or so...

And your face looks like

nolan ryan's glove,

then you are pretty much

out of alternatives.

So, I say the longer

you've been married,

the more affectionate

you should be with each other.

Get off the maintenance diet

and go nuts...

But not

on the dining room table --

at least not till the kids

move out, all right?

I'm pulling for you, 'cause

we're all in this together.

[ metallic whirring ]

well, buster and stinky

have been, uh, spying

on these americans

posing as fishermen,

and they are definitely

tracking ufo space aliens.

And how do you know this?

Did you talk to them,

uncle red?

Oh, harold,

you don't talk to them.

They'll just deny

everything

and then force you to swallow

the cyanide capsules.

I figure these guys

are maybe with the cia

or perhaps a special branch

of the post office.

Everything's very,

very hush-hush, harold.

Well, then, why don't all you

guys just shut up about it?

[ laughs ]

nothing.

I didn't -- what?

I got proof here,

harold.

Look at this picture

buster took.

You tell me --

is that not an alien spacepad

landing support right there?

It's a tripod for a camera,

uncle red.

No, no. Look at that.

That's an alien-life-form

detector if I ever saw one.

No, that's --

that's a movie camera.

Well, how about this

ufo radar unit?

What's that, then?

Movie light.

Oh.

Oh, I see. I see.

Okay, all right.

They're shooting film footage

of the space aliens.

I can't believe you guys.

You let your imaginations

run wild

and you extrapolate nothing

into something ridiculous.

Two guys show up with a movie

camera, and all of a sudden,

they're like aliens and you're

spreading rumors about ufos.

Wa-a-a-a!

Maybe they're just up here,

you know,

shooting a nature film,

you know, or shooting shots

for a tv commercial

or scouting locations for some

major hollywood production,

some big-budget film

that's gonna be shooting here

at possum lodge in a couple

of months, you know,

some $50 million

special-effects extravaganza

based on

a number-one best seller

and has tom cruise

and harrison ford

and jamie lee curtis as my love

interest and special sidekick.

We're gonna be

movie stars!

You guys!

[ film projector whirs ]

here's one.

How many forest rangers does

it take to change a light bulb?

Just one.

[ laughs ]

if you had a light bulb,

of course.

[ laughs ]

they still have light bulbs?

[ engine puttering ]

throughout the world,

you will not find a small plane

being as big a part of history

as it is in the canadian north,

and so, in a certain way,

buzz sherwood here

is part of a long

aviation tradition.

Oh, on a wing and a prayer --

that's me, red,

especially if there's

supposed to be two wings.

[ laughs ]

that's true.

Yeah,

you got to have a --

you got to have a love, got to

feel the romance of flying, red.

I mean, women love it.

I suppose.

Really?

That's what they tell me.

And, you know, you've got to be

a risk taker, right?

Because, you know, you get old

and comfortable like you --

no, this is a game

for the young kids,

because us young kids --

we take all the risks.

We know how to be

self-reliant

with what's at hand,

you know?

Like this.

Look at this handiwork, huh?

What is this thing --

a wind vane of some kind?

No, it's a new propeller

for my plane.

Oh.

See, I figure four paddles

will give me more lift,

'cause I got a lot of deliveries

to make, you know?

I got to get all this stuff up

to a couple of guys fishing,

and there's two more miners

up there.

They're waiting

for that box.

And then what else

do we got here?

Look at this stuff.

There's a mining company that

wants that first-aid kit.

I got some smoke jumpers,

natural resources,

a boy scout crew, and two people

up in tuckahaw inlet.

Do you know

where tuckahaw inlet is?

Uh, just this side of the inlet,

I believe.

Oh, well, there you go.

And, uh, then those two guys

up here filming --

they want some stuff.

Oh, man, I'm gonna need eight

paddles to get this stuff up.

The two guys filming -- now,

when you were flying in,

did they say exactly what it is

they're filming?

No, no. They just spent

the whole time

talking into

the air-sickness bag...

[ imitating retching ]

if you know what I mean.

[ both laugh ]

yeah, 'cause harold here

thinks they're from hollywood.

Hollywood?

Really, harold?

Far out.

'cause, you know,

they might need, like,

some stunt-flying shots,

and those guys make a ton of

dough when you do stunt flying.

Whoa! I'm out of here.

See you later, red.

Now you see how it works, kids?

If you want to be a bush pilot,

all it takes

is a little self-reliance,

a love of romance.

A pilot's license

might be a nice touch.

[ engine turns over ]

uh, buzz, what about

all the stuff on the sides?

[ propeller whirs ]

[ tires screech ]

"wanted -- thingy you put

on the end of a doohickey,

"one of the old ones

they don't make anymore

"that has that whatsit

on the main part.

Contact occupant."

I may have one of those.

[ explosion ]

red: Kind of a historical thing

this week with the kayaking.

Oh, there's bill.

Oh! Oh!

There's bill and his kayak,

so I thought I'd just,

uh, do the right thing

and help him into the water.

There you go.

[ zip! ]

[ zing! ]

eh, he's all right.

All right, now,

the thing with a kayak is

they're a very historical

vessel.

Long before the white man,

you know, there was the inuit

and the eskimos, whatever it is,

and they had the kayaks.

And -- what's the matter, bill?

Oh, I think he's got himself

a little wedged in there.

Hard to get into a kayak.

I guess the inuit were a little

slimmer than the bill-uit.

Here we go.

[ pop! ]

and, uh, oh,

we got him in there.

Got to get the feet

in there first.

That's it.

You leave the butt till later.

And, uh, get the helmet.

You want the helmet on there,

bill?

Bill.

Whoa!

Bill needs two helmets,

one to be wearing while

he's getting the other helmet.

And now he's off on his way.

See the paddle?

Got the double end.

That's a very unique design.

Works well to clear things

out of the way.

And out he goes

out into the water.

Now, the thing with a kayak is

it's very, very maneuverable.

Look at this. Look at --

it's like a helicopter on water.

Look, he can back up there

and he can just --

he can turn on a dime.

And you know the other thing

they do?

They do what they call the

eskimo roll, where they --

yeah, they -- all right,

that's half an eskimo roll,

but look at the maneuverability.

Look at how he can steer it

and paddle it,

even like I'm --

I'm not sure they can --

[ gurgling ]

not sure -- look at him.

Look at that.

And bill looks he would be

good at things, you know?

And then -- wait.

Now, this doesn't --

this doesn't look --

no, this doesn't -- I think --

well, it's starting

to dawn on me

that bill may be having

a little difficulty,

so I fire up the, uh,

big inboard.

Boy, she sounds rough.

And out we go to get him.

You know what?

The kayak's got

the low profile there,

and the boat sits up

high in the water.

You can't always see them,

unfortunately.

Oh, oh, oh!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,

sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,

sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,

sorry, sorry.

[ birds chirping ]

bill? Bill?

Oh, he's all right.

Turned his kayak

into a four-wheel-drive --

very impressive.

Stay tuned as harold re-enacts

the gunfight at hokey corral

and ranger gord

shows us the quick way

to get down from the tower.

[ whip! Whip! Whip! ]

[ honk! ]

[ whip! ]

[ whip! ]

[ rapid gunshots ]

bad news, harold.

They're not shooting

"lonesome dork."

no? Aw!

Oh, well, okay.

Well,

personally, you know,

I'm hoping they're doing

a comedy, you know?

'cause I'd love to be

in a teenage sex farce.

Wa-a-a-a!

Harold,

you are a teenage sex farce.

Old man sedgwick's hoping

it's gonna be a sci-fi,

so he's running around

telling everybody

that he's an okie

from kenoki.

Uncle red, I think he means

obi-wan kenobi.

Yeah, he keeps saying,

"luke, feel the fork."

and he -- he tries

to get you to fight him

with a roll

of life savers.

That's lightsaber.

In the movie "star wars,"

they use the lightsabers.

[ imitates

lightsaber buzzing ]

what is --

what is with everybody?

We already have

a television show.

Why would we want

to be in the movies?

Well, uncle red, movies are way

more better than television.

Look at

all the classic films

that have just been released

lately, okay?

Like "beverly hillbillies,"

"addams family,"

"flintstones,"

"star trek."

harold,

those are television shows.

Okay, right, yes.

Next thing you know,

they're gonna do a feature film

out of "wheel of fortune."

it'll be pat sajak

and sissy spacek

in "a vowel

runs through it."

[ bear growls ]

here we are

up at fire tower 13,

50 miles from the nearest

person, 100 miles from town,

completely isolated,

cut off from everything.

Mr. Isolation himself,

ranger gord.

Hi, folks.

That's him.

Cut off and isolated, are you

not, up here, ranger gord?

Oh, absolutely.

No way to get word in or out.

No.

By the way, I hear there's a

movie crew over at possum lodge.

I hope they're doing a comedy,

'cause I love slapstick.

[ laughs ]

well, how did you

hear about that

when you're cut off

and isolated?

Oh, well, uh,

harold told me

when we were waiting

for mr. Huff and puff

to climb the stairs.

Right, harold?

Yeah, all right.

Well, tell our viewers,

ranger gord --

what do you do up here

when you need a medical

professional of some kind?

Well, usually, I just go talk

to a special big rock I know.

Best psychiatrist

I ever had.

Strictly jungian,

by the way.

No, no, no.

I'm talking a medical emergency,

you know, like injuries.

Like, where do you keep

your first-aid kit?

Oh, it's at the bottom

of the stairs.

Well, what if you have an

accident up here in this area?

Oh, I never do, red.

Only one kind of medical

emergency happens at my tower,

and I have everything I need

right there.

Let me show you.

No, no,

wait, wait, wait.

What is the one kind

of emergency?

Oh, well, sometimes

I don't look where I'm going

and I'll trip

and I'll fall!

[ thudding ]

ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow!

[ thudding stops ]

[ groans ]

he's all right.

Whoa-oa-oa!

[ thudding resumes ]

ow! Oh! Ow, ow, ow!

Well, maybe not.

[ thudding continues ]

ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Well...

Where the heck is...

[ thudding continues ]

oh, boy.

Oh, for gosh sakes.

Yeah, you see,

red, I --

I have everything I need

right over there --

splints and ice packs

and stuff --

stuff like that,

you know?

You okay, gord?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah,

I love slapstick.

[ buzzing ]

okay. This week on "the experts"

portion of the show,

joining my uncle red

is mr. Edgar k.B. Montrose.

Okay.

Here goes a letter,

and it's from helen

in helena, montana.

[ laughs ]

helen of helena.

[ laughs ]

isn't that --

that's cool, eh?

Because -- all righty,

I'll just read.

Um..."dear experts,

I'm driving a 6-year-old car

"which is needing

more and more repairs,

"but I'm sure all the local

mechanics are cheating me

"because I'm a woman.

How can I get

fair service?"

uh, okay, just get your husband

to take it into the shop.

That'll fix that.

Well, now,

if this helena's from helen,

and it sounds like

she is...

Yeah.

...You know, that -- that's not

solving her problem, red.

Uh, well,

what I recommend

is something I call "four on

the floor and one in the tank."

one what in the tank?

Stick of dynamite.

You put four sticks of dynamite

on the floor

and one stick of dynamite

in the tank

and...Kaboom!

[ clattering ]

no more

expensive car repairs.

Excuse me,

but I think blowing up cars

is kind of

missing the point.

This woman just wants

to be treated fairly.

All right, just go on

into the shop there

and tell them that your husband

is the government inspector

who gives

the auto mechanics license

and the service stations

inspections

and all kind of stuff

and tell them that he's the one

that wants the car fixed.

You wouldn't believe the service

I get in restaurants

when I pretend

I'm the health inspector.

Well, no, you --

you just don't get it, red.

What the woman wants

is to be able to walk

into any gas station,

look the mechanic

right square in the eye,

explain the problem,

and get treated fairly.

Exactly. You are so sensitive,

mr. Montrose.

Now, okay.

Now, I've got another plan,

what I call "four in the pockets

and one taped to your head."

now, believe me --

nobody gets better service

or more respect

than a human bomb.

[ clattering ]

well, we got the mystery

about the movie,

and it's not a movie mystery.

We've got her

all straightened out.

[ cabaret music plays ]

ha ha ha!

Hello, tiffany.

Don't even laugh.

I just heard

that the film crews here --

they're gonna film a remake

of "some like it hot."

that's the comedy where

the two guys get dressed up,

and then one of them did get

to sleep with marilyn monroe.

[ shudders ]

that's being played

by demi moore.

And I heard this rumor

comes straight from the top.

Yeah, it does, harold.

I started it.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

[ chuckles ] no.

Because it's called

"some like it hot," so --

yeah, it's called

"some like it hot."

it's a documentary

on global warming.

This is

totally embarrassing, then.

You should see old man sedgwick

in that pink chiffon number.

He looks like

a cocktail prune.

Turns out the guys

looking at the aliens

were actually doing

an environmental picture

on a total environmental

collapse up here.

Well, that means they're gonna

shut down possum lodge.

No, it's okay.

I blamed all the pollution

on big business.

They love that.

That really is your color,

you know, harold.

[ screeching ]

oh.

There's the possum call.

I can't wait

to get to the meeting

and see

the rest of the rockettes.

I'm gonna change first.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I won't be wearing

women's clothing,

so please don't confuse me

with your sister.

And to the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching.

On behalf of myself

and whatever we call that

and the whole rest of the gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Might as well sit down, I guess.

Okay, guys, come on out now.

To find out more

about possum lodge merchandise,

call 1-800-ypossum

or check out harold's home page

on the internet,

www.Redgreen.Com.