Xmas In July/Transcript

The complete transcript for Xmas In July

Opening Scene
''{Red stands out in front of someone's house. He has his arm wrapped around a shovel, partially stuck in the ground. He hands a small box to another man who stands next to him.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} This guy is my neighbor, Bob Dinkins from up the road.

''{Bob takes the box and opens up the box. Inside is a gold watch.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Now, I've just given him a watch. He's pretty happy about that. {Bob is about to put watch on, but Red stops him} He thinks it's real nice to get a gift. I guess he doesn't know much about the Trojan War.

''{Bob turns and starts to walk off. Red waves.}''

RED GREEN: {calling after Bob} Remember, Bob, don't put it on 'til you get home.

''{Bob turns and leaves. Red then walks off in another direction, holding his shovel.}''

RED GREEN: You have a neighbor or relative who keeps dropping in unannounced and is always quick to tell you what you're doing, or you're an idiot, or he's gonna call the cops unless you give him a beer... {walks up to a hole in the ground; sticks shovel in ground} Well, here's what you do: get yourself one of those invisible fence units that you use to keep your dog inside your yard. {gestures toward hole} And you bury the wire around the perimeter of your property. {tosses shovel aside; pulls a dog collar out of pants pocket} Then you put a special collar onto your dog, and every time he gets near the buried wire, {shakes collar slightly} he gets zapped! {holds up collar, the workings of which have clearly been ripped out} Now, you may have noticed I've taken the zapper out of this collar. That's because I installed it into that watch {gestures off-camera with thumb} I just gave to my annoying neighbor. {puts collar back in pocket} I figure any system that can keep a dog in should be to keep a goof out. {walks up to power switch on a pole} Besides, this is way too cruel to use on an animal. {looks off-screen} Okay, he's off the property. I think we should arm the perimeter.

''{Red flips the switch up. A light on the pole lights up, accompanied by a loud humming noise. Red looks off-screen again.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, look, he's coming back! Probably wants to tell me something else I don't need to know.

''{Suddenly, he hears the sound of zapping, as apparently, Bob's watch with the collar's zapper unit in it, zaps him. The light on the pole, meanwhile, flickers slightly.}''

RED GREEN: {calling off-screen} Hey, Bob! Check your watch! Looks like it's payback time!

''{Red laughs. He then grabs the switch and starts to flip it back down. As he does so, however, he gets zapped as the power box on the switch suddenly explodes in a shower of sparks.}''

Intro
''{Red enters the lodge, waving to the camera and the cheering audience. He holds a piece of roof shingle in his hand, which he uses to fan himself, as if to cool himself off.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. I appreciate that. I gotta tell ya, we got a real hot one goin' on here today. I don't know the exact temperature, but, uh, the basement of the lodge is dry! And... that hasn't happened since... well, that's never happened, actually. {sniffs roof shingle and looks at it} Okay, I think I know which building this shingle came off of.

''{Red tosses the shingle aside. Suddenly, the front door opens. Harold runs into the lodge, holding some tinsel.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {excitedly} Merry Christmas, Uncle Red! {tosses tinsel in Red's disbelieving face} Merry Christmas! Christmas merry! Merry Christmas!

RED GREEN: I hope that's sunstroke, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} No! I'm just trying to get you in the spirit of our first annual {dramatically} Christmas in July celebration!

RED GREEN: And... why would this be a good thing, do you think?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, because it brings crowds, it brings visitors up to the lodge! They'll think, "Possum Lake is having Christmas in July? That's crazy, let's go!"

RED GREEN: What if they think, "That's crazy, let's stay away in droves"?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, then, we just gotta keep putting that out that Christmas cheer, don't we? {giggles} We're gonna get every cynic to join hand-in-hand and say, "I don't care if it is July, I wish everyone the best and merriest Christmas ever!"

RED GREEN: Boy, I hope your medical insurance is paid up, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to Red} I need your help! I need your help. Yeah, 'cause the lodge is a big part of Christmas around here, right? So, you know, how you put those lights around the lodge at Christmas time?

RED GREEN: Yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: I need you to do that again right now, in July! Get the festive mood started!

RED GREEN: {turns around} Yeah, alright, sure, sure, that's fine, yeah. {walks toward corner of lodge}

HAROLD GREEN: Yes? No complaining, no arguing? That's it? You know, I asked you to put lights all around the lodge, you know. That's– And you're just doing that? You're gonna go along with it? That's so great, I really appreciate it.

RED GREEN: Well, it is a lot of work for me, but I figure, if I help you now, then you're gonna owe me one later, right?

HAROLD GREEN: Absolutely. Anything, anytime.

''{Red flips a switch in the corner of the lodge. Christmas lights hanging on the walls suddenly light up and flash. Red wipes his hands together.}''

RED GREEN: Done.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

''{Winston waves and applauds. The camera pulls back to reveal Winston standing behind the card table where Red and Mike are seated. Mike makes excited gyrations with his arms and rubs his hands together.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Today's contestant will be playing for the Possum Lodge Word Game home version! {Mike rubs his hands together again} Okay, Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mike Hamar... {looks towards Mike} Cover your ears. {back to Red} ...to say this word... {holds up word sign} "Respect". {different, more dramatic tone} "Respect"!

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Okay. {sets sign down; Mike uncovers ears} And go!

RED GREEN: Okay, Mike, uh, when you were a kid, you were taught to always give this to your parents.

MIKE HAMAR: My take.

RED GREEN: {looks away in thought momentarily} Okay, if you want to have a lasting relationship with a woman, you have to treat her with...

MIKE HAMAR: ...antidepressants.

RED GREEN: {thinks again} Okay, your mother probably told you, if you want to get ahead in life, you've got to show a little...

MIKE HAMAR: {shiftily} ...thigh.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {pointing to his watch} Red, you're almost out of time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay. {suddenly looks up excitedly; pointing at Mike} I got it! This was a big hit for Aretha Franklin in the '60s!

MIKE HAMAR: {surprised} You can remember something from the '60s? {looks away} Boy, you gotta respect that!

RED GREEN: There we go!

''{Red repeatedly rings the bell on the table to end the game. Winston hands a board game to Mike.}''

Handyman Corner
''{Red emerges from a shed outside the lodge. He walks up to a car with various stripes on it and no roof, holding a piece of paper.}''

RED GREEN: {holding up paper} I got a letter from our local environmental agency. {looks at letter} Apparently, one of our neighbors has registered a complaint about all the junk we have lying around the lodge. {taps car hood} Especially our unfinished projects. {bends down to open up hood} I know who it is, too. {struggles in vain to open hood} It's that new guy in the fancy A-frame. {walks around to driver's side} He's been giving us grief ever since he saw us cooking weenies over a tire fire. {tries to open car door} He says the lodge is keeping his property value down. {reaches inside door to unlock it} Well, sure it is! It always has. If it didn't, he wouldn't have been able to afford the place! {opens door and stoops down next to driver's seat} But now he's gone and got the government involved, and I gotta get the car outta here. {looks at letter} Actually, they say if I can just remove the engine and the gas tank, they're the biggest environmental hazards. {sniffs car seat} I guess they never smelled the upholstery.

''{Red gets up and closes the door. He walks around to the front of the car.}''

RED GREEN: Now, as always, I like to do two things at once, 'cause that means I can work slower. {holds up index finger} I have an idea that'll satisfy the government and increase the property value all at the same time! {opens car hood} Can you guess what it is? I'm gonna take out the engine and the gas tank, {leans against raised hood} and what do you suppose I'm gonna do with them? {points at camera after slight pause} Exactly right, an automatic lawn sprinkler system. You're good! {wipes hands together} Okay, now, to take out the engine and the gas tank, all you do is... {rubs hands together} take out the engine and the gas tank.

''{Wipe to a later scene. A montage begins. First, Red is lying down on the ground underneath the car, struggling to work to get out the gas tank. He is kicking his legs around and hyperventilating with the effort. After that, Red stands back up again. The car's hood is still raised. He raises a sledgehammer to strike at the exposed engine. But as he does this, the head of the hammer flies off backwards and crashes into a pile of garbage beside a shed. Red notices what happened and then, after a brief pause, he uses the handle of the hammer to pry the engine out. Next, he feverishly raises the back end of the car with a car jack. The bumper it is attached to lifts off the ground, but the jack does not lift up the car. It only breaks the back bumper off. Red looks at the camera with disappointment. Still later, he has attached some wiring and pulley wheels together and attached them to the front end of the car. The wiring runs along a pair of ladders. He the feverishly operates the pulley system so that it raises the car way up into the air. The back end has already been raised up with an oil drum underneath it, with only the front end needing to be raised. Once the car is high up in the air enough, he locks the pulley system in place, suspending the car in midair. Then Red moves another oil drum underneath this end of the car. He then unlocks the pulley system. The car drops down onto the drums with a thud. The engine and the gas tank fall out of the car. Red sees where the engine and the gas tank had fallen out and looks at the camera with a satisfied look. The montage ends with Red in a boat on the water. The car engine is in the boat with him. The boat is moored to the shore by a rope. The intake hose is draped over the side of the boat into the lake.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, the rest of the job is pretty easy here. I got everything I need to make the engine go mounted inside the boat here. Now, I had to make a few minor alterations to the water pump to turn it into a sprinkler. {picks up intake hose} First of all, I quadrupled the size of the intake hose, so this baby'll pass some serious water. {drops hose back into water} Now I just drop that into the lake. {gestures toward a fire hose nozzle sticking out of outboard} Okay, now, to get my big spray, I took the nozzle off the lodge fire house and attached that to the output side of the water pump. {waves dismissively} I'm not really worried about the lodge catching fire. We keep it pretty damp. {holds up index finger} And here's an little extra piece of ingenuity: I attached the boat just to the one side of the boat.

''{Red pulls on a rope attached to the boat. The other end of the rope is tied to a sign on the shore. Red's pulling on the rope brings in the boat to shore.}''

RED GREEN: And that way, she'll kinda swing and sway with the wind and the waves, and I'll end up getting maximum coverage of my water spray. {climbs out of boat and walks onto shore; picks up a long pole} Oh, yeah. {holds up pole, which has an ignition key duct-taped to its end} And for safety's sake, I added a remote starter. {places key on pole into boat ignition keyhole} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{Red twists the boat, and the key with it, to the left, then pulls the pole and the key out. The boat starts up. Water sprays out of the fire hose, and the boat drifts away from the shore and out towards the middle of the lake. The rope mooring the boat to the sign unravels. The rope strains at the boat and finally snaps. The boat is no longer tied to shore, and, with the water still spraying, drifts out to the middle of the lake. Red watches what happens, still holding the pole. He drops the pole and, turning to the camera, takes out his letter from earlier. He tears it up and tosses it on the ground, then walks away.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you guys about succeeding and failing. Now, when you were growing up and going to school, they put a lot of emphasis on success. I don't agree with that. I don't think success is nearly as important as failure. {waves hand} I'm not talking about total failure where you lose everything and live in a cardboard box under a bridge. I'm talking about manageable failure. You know, like being temporarily unemployed or losing your car keys or buying something on television that's {makes finger quotes} "not available in stores". Now, don't get me wrong, success is good. But it doesn't happen to most of us. And if it did, {nods} they'd change it, believe me. So I figure, rather than spending your whole life feeling bad because you've never succeeded, I think, for us normal people, it's better to spend your whole life feeling confident that you can handle failure. {holds up both hands} So here's what you do: take some little, harmless challenge, and just fail at it! Right away! Just fail! Just flunk right out of that, okay? Then, get over it, and get on with your life. And just keep doing that over and over and over again. What'll happen is, you'll stop being afraid of failing, and you might even fluke a success! {nods and smiles} At the very least, you'll be a happy failure, and your friends will have a lot of laughs at your expense! Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

The Experts
{The camera slowly zooms in on Winston.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Welcome to the Experts portion of the show, where we explore those {holds up three fingers} three little words men find so hard to say:

''{Winston is revealed to be sitting on a chair, with a table in front of it. Next to his chair, Red and Mike are sitting on a car-themed couch.}''

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW! {headlights on car couch light up with each word}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yes! Those are the words. Okay. {holds up letter} Today's letter reads as follows: {briefly gestures towards Red and Mike, then starts reading} "Dear Experts, a guy at work has owed me a hundred dollars for over a year. Yesterday, I found his wallet in a locker room. The wallet had approximately $187.13 in it. Should I keep some of it, all of it, or none of it?" {looks up} Red?

RED GREEN: Well, I have an answer, {somewhat smugly} but I just can't wait to hear what Mike has to say. {looks toward Mike}

MIKE HAMAR: {stares briefly} Oh, okay, sure. Uh, well, um, I would return the wallet to its proper owner, complete with all the person's money. {nods}

RED GREEN: That's your answer?

MIKE HAMAR: {nods again} That's my answer for television. {smiles}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yeah, I agree, I would return the wallet, but, uh, I'd take out the hundred bucks the guy owed me.

RED GREEN: Okay, now, I'd kinda agree with both of you. I certainly wouldn't keep the wallet. I'd chuck it into a dumpster after I hoisted the 180 bucks out of her.

MIKE HAMAR: {looks at Red disappointingly} That is very disappointing.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You notice the difference between our answer and yours?

RED GREEN: Yeah, I didn't lie.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Red, you can't steal a man's wallet!

RED GREEN: Well, I didn't steal the wallet, he just left it lying around, eh? It was fair game.

MIKE HAAMAR: {holds up index finger} You know, I think Mr. Green might be right.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {shaking head} No, no, he's not right.

RED GREEN: Oh, sure I am! {points at Winston} And I'll tell you the problem, baggy pants. {points at Winston's pants} Baggy pants! Eh? {smiles and feels around his own pants} I like to wear mine a little tight. That way, I can always feel my wallet.

''{Red suddenly feels in his back pockets, but feels that something is missing. Mike then pulls a wallet out of his own pants.}''

MIKE HAMAR: {showing Red wallet} You looking for this?

RED GREEN: {looks at wallet} Where'd you get my wallet?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {sarcastically} Maybe you just left it {waves hand around} "lying around"!

RED GREEN: Stop! {to Mike} Gimme the wallet, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, okay. {opens up wallet and takes out some money} But first, I'm gonna take out the twenty bucks you owe me. {gives wallet to Red}

RED GREEN: I don't owe you twenty bucks, you owe me twenty bucks.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh. {hands Red money} Okay, well, then, here you go. Now we're even.

RED GREEN: {looks at money, then becomes exasperated} We're not even, Mike. This is my money. {puts money back in wallet}

MIKE HAMAR: {holds up hands} Okay, okay, fine. Um... {clears throat; pulls another wallet out of pants pocket, then pulls out some money to give to Red} Well, here's the twenty bucks I owe ya. {Red snatches money away} Great.

RED GREEN: Thank you.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {shocked, pointing at wallet} Hey, that's my wallet! {Mike gives Winston wallet; Red chuckles}

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, Mr. Green?

RED GREEN: Yeah?

MIKE HAMAR: {pointing to Winston} You owe Winston twenty bucks.

''{Reluctantly, Red hands the money to Winston, who snatches the money away. Mike shrugs.}''

Red's Handyman Tips
''{A toy train runs along the floor of the room of a house, tooting its whistle. It bumps into a roll of duct tape on the floor, then turns in another direction. It bumps into something else and continues to move around. It then moves backwards.}''

RED GREEN: Have you seen these toy trains where, when they run into something, they just turn around and head off in another direction? Kind of like a politician at a press conference? {walks up to toy train and picks it up} I'll bet if I let this thing go, it'd cover the whole floor. In fact, I'm countin' on it. {sits down in a chair with train in his lap; picks up a vacuum hose} Now, you're probably wondering why I would have a toy like this. {removes a strip of duct tape from a roll} I don't have any kids. I don't really enjoy a toy running around underfoot and making annoying noises. {uses tape to attach hose to train} You probably couldn't guess why I have this toy if I gave you a month of Sundays. {gets up from chair and walks over to vacuum the hose was attached to} But then again, you don't know that I promised Bernice that I'd vacuum this room.

''{Red puts the train with the hose attached to it on the floor. He then picks up the vacuum cleaner itself and hangs it from a chandelier above. The vacuum weighs down the chandelier. He then turns on the vacuum. The toy train, tooting its whistle, moves back and forth around the floor with the hose attached to it, sucking up things like a hose usually does. Red smiles and gives a thumbs-up.}''

Plot Segment 2
{Red walks into the lodge with a look of disgust on his face.}

RED GREEN: Well, Harold's still trying to convince everybody to celebrate Christmas in July. He's all dressed up like a Christmas angel. {shakes head; points behind him with thumb} He's got this booth downtown where he's selling Christmas cookies and pumpkin pies. And he's singing Christmas carols! What is it with singing voices? You notice how the bad ones are always loud? Nobody wants to hark when they hear this "Harold" angel sing!

''{The front door opens and Harold walks in slowly. He is indeed dressed as an angel. His face and glasses are covered in pie cream. Red looks amused.}''

RED GREEN: Man! {chuckles} You okay? You look a little pie-eyed. {laughs again}

HAROLD GREEN: May I have a towel, please?

RED GREEN: {looks around, then picks up a piece of curtain in corner} Just use a curtain.

HAROLD GREEN: {wiping face with curtain} Well, this has been a learning experience.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, never to sing when there's pies around?

HAROLD GREEN: {somewhat agitated} No, that this town needs a little Christmas right this very minute!

RED GREEN: Oh...

HAROLD GREEN: {points out of lodge with thumb} There's hardly any spirit of human kindness out there at all!

RED GREEN: Harold, give it up, okay? A pumpkin pie in the face is no harm done. You're not gonna get off so lucky when the corn cobs come out.

HAROLD GREEN: I do not quit, Uncle Red! I already spoken to some of the lodge members, and they agreed to join me in a very special Christmas parade. {front door opens again}

RED GREEN: {frustrated} Oh, no!

''{Dalton and Mike walk into the lodge. Dalton is wearing a snowman costume and holding the snowman head in his hand. Mike is dressed as a reindeer, with antlers and a red nose over his actual nose.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: {annoyed} Harold, this Frosty the Snowman costume's ridiculous! It's hot, it's itchy, I'm melting in here!

RED GREEN: Oh, now, there's a jolly, happy soul.

MIKE HAMAR: How do you like my red nose, Mr. Green?

RED GREEN: You wearing a red nose? {stares at Mike}

HAROLD GREEN: I think you guys look great. I need your help, too, though, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I need you to drive the float.

RED GREEN: Oh, alright. Yeah, sure. What is it anyway?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's a soft drink delivery truck. {nods}

RED GREEN: Oh yeah? What– What– What kind of soft drink?

HAROLD GREEN: Root beer.

RED GREEN: Oh, so it's a root beer float. {laughs}

HAROLD GREEN: Am I supposed to laugh at that?

RED GREEN: Well, it's Christmas, Harold, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: It's parade time, Uncle Red, huh?

RED GREEN: All right. {turns and heads for front door}

MIKE HAMAR: Hey, what costume are you wearing, Mr. Green?

RED GREEN: {looking at lodge outfit} I'm going like this. I'm going as the smart one. I think I can pull that off.

{After a moment's pause, the others follow him.}

HAROLD GREEN: {to camera while following others} It should work when he doesn't talk.