Reality Television/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

As many of you know,

nothing pleases me more

than to take existing technology

and use it in an entirely

new application.

You know, to a lot of men,

this is the highest form

of creativity.

And it's probably the reason

we never read instructions.

This here's a

window blind, eh.

When you pull this down

you cover the window,

and she locks!

And then when you give

her a little tug,

up she goes.

See, there's a spring in there

that makes this unit into

a machine,

and I'm thinkin' just using

something like that to

cover a window

is a waste of machinery.

Isn't it a lot smarter to use

a blind as an automatic

table clearer?

See what I've done here?

I've actually attached a blind

to these two hockey sticks.

And then I pulled her down to

the end of the table

and locked her before

we had the picnic.

This goalie stick here is to

stop the garbage in its tracks

and then drop her

into the can.

No deflections,

no rebounds.

Then all I have to do is pull

on the end of the blind...

He shoots...

He scores.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

you've done this before.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

Actually, buster hadfield

had an accident.

He slipped and fell

onto the conveyor belt

down at the

soft drink factory.

The machinery hosed him down

with tonic water,

stuffed bottles

onto his toes,

and capped all his teeth.

What are you

doing here?

[ cheers and applause ]

I'm just observing.

Carry on.

Just observing, carry on,

just observing, carry on.

I was just telling them

about buster having

the accident

at work and so on.

Oh yeah!

So, anyways, we took him

over to the hospital,

and when we told the nurses

what had happened, they

all started laughing.

They got on the intercom,

they paged dr. Pepper.

[ laughter ]

that didn't happen.

Pardon me?

That didn't happen.

You're making that up.

Well... I'm

embellishing, harold.

Buster had an accident at

work and I'm just kinda

fleshing it out

for the show.

Oh! Oh, okay.

Oh, oh.

People don't

like that anymore.

What?

They don't.

You know what the latest fad is?

Know what the latest fad is?

Know what the latest fad is?

Justifiable homicide?

No. Reality television.

No made-up stories,

no exaggerations,

just the

raw truth, baby.

You can't handle

the raw truth, baby.

It's true,

everybody's --

no...

Red...

Yeah?

Harold tells me that you've

been saying ann marie and I

have a shaky marriage.

What?!

This is good.

It's good.

You have been saying

that ann marie and I

have a shaky marriage.

No, I haven't.

Well, then,

who's been saying it?

Because somebody's

been sayin' it!

You say it

all the time!

[ laughter ]

what are

you doing, harold?

The ratings are gonna

go through the roof.

You'll be right

behind them.

[ ♪ ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner receives this

coupon for a free session

at possum lake's

only oxygen bar,

"to air is human."

you and a friend are invited

for a full hour of

heavy breathing.

Okay, cover your ears,

there, dalton.

Okay, red, you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton humphrey to say

this word...

All right, winston.

And... Go!

Okay, uh, dalton, um,

blonde people have

this kind of hair.

Bleached.

No, no...

If somebody is reasonable,

rational, open-minded,

you would say

that they are...

Not married to me.

[ laughter ]

okay, okay, okay...

All right, if something is

not so good, not too bad,

just kinda tolerable,

you would call that...

Life?

Okay, okay, no.

Okay, no, you know,

if something is good,

like in the weather,

okay, the word for that is...

W-w-w-wait a second.

You're saying one word

means both good and

not good?

Yeah, actually,

yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, you know,

I don't use words with

two different meanings.

I leave that to my wife.

You guys are almost

outta time.

Yeah, um...

Well, let's go

another way.

This is a word that means,

like, trade exhibition

or a carnival...

Have you been listening

to the clues, red?!

I mean, come on!

Blonde, reasonable,

good, not good,

now carnival?

I mean, come on, if one word

means all that it's not fair!

Yes, it is!

[ ♪ ]

[ ♪ ]

you know what I've

been thinking about?

Never.

Life after death.

I've been thinking

a lot about it.

Sounds like his trial

got moved to texas.

Oh, come on.

Don't you ever

think about it?

Not me.

But if we're gonna focus on the

things I don't think about...

We're in for a long day.

Well, I think about

life after death,

every time ann marie

and I have an argument.

Well, I don't think

about it that often.

It's just that I can't believe

that this is all there is.

What is?

Well, this.

This pond, this day,

this boat.

It can't be

all there is.

You're not gonna steal a

bigger boat, are ya, mike?

No, that's my point!

We don't need our

rewards in this life.

Well, I do!

Well, I don't.

Well, good, then

I'll have yours too.

You see, that's what

the afterlife is for.

I think it's a place where

there are friendly people

who know your name

and think positive thoughts

and have sing songs.

Wow, hope I never die.

You know, mike,

it seems odd

that a known felon would

be thinking about this

kinda stuff.

I would think you'd be more

concerned with life

after theft.

Now, you see, that is

hurtful, mr. Green.

The afterlife will

not be judgmental.

Not the way I envision it.

Non-judgmental?

Nope.

Judgment day won't

be judgmental?

He's twisting my words.

I'm okay with it.

You know, mike, maybe

reincarnation's the answer.

Maybe we'll

all come back.

Maybe we've already

been here before.

Well, now, that's an

interesting concept!

You'd make an excellent

cell-mate, mr. Green.

Well, thanks.

Well, I still believe

in life after death.

That's fine.

I'm hopin' for

life after birth.

[ laughter and applause ]

my grandfather

had one of these babies.

It's called a push mower.

He used to cut

the grass every Saturday.

He'd usually wait

'til the afternoon

when his head had stopped

pounding and his vision

cleared up a bit.

Men can be very competitive

about their lawns.

And I'm sure you wouldn't

mind having the nicest

lawn on the street,

but if you're

a handyman like me,

you don't want

a push mower,

you wanna push less.

[ laughter ]

so to do that, we're gonna

need a few things.

First of all, three or four

of these units,

because mower is not less;

mower is definitely more.

And along with that you need a

couple of salt shakers,

a toy gun,

some liquid fertilizer

some grass seed,

some wildflower seed,

a little bit

of weed killer,

and of course

a few hockey sticks.

And naturally,

you're gonna need a k-car,

which these days are pretty

much restricted to

yard work anyway.

Okay, that takes care

of the grass cutting,

but we haven't begun

to scratch the surface

in terms of what we

can do to this lawn.

You know what's real good?

Aerating.

'course, the secret here

is not to let the screw

too far into the --

sorry, I got

distracted there.

But it's okay, because

I always have a can of

this tire sealant

right nearby.

Perfect.

[ laughter ]

oh, and I made a few other

alterations that I feel

awful good about.

Filled the trunk

with grass seed,

that'll just drop naturally

through the trunk floor

through what I call,

the miracle of rust.

Here's a nice touch.

Know everybody likes wildflowers

kinda spread randomly

through the yard?

So I filled these salt shakers

with wildflower seeds.

Safest way I know

to sow your wild oats.

Okay, here's

a fun thing now.

I filled the windshield washer

reservoir with weed killer,

and I ran the hose up

through this toy gun, see?

So now when I'm driving along

cutting the lawn,

and I see a weed like that

dandelion over there,

I just aim the gun,

line her up with my

antenna control,

and then hit the

windshield washer button.

The only tricky part was trying

to figure out how to spread

the fertilizer.

Something I don't usually

have a problem with.

And then I'm thinking,

hey, wait a second.

You know, they make

gasoline so good now

that you can afford

to dilute it a little bit.

So I figured,

heck, you know,

I'll just fire

this right in here

and let the engine

do the work.

I even added a

nozzle to my tailpipe

to give me a

little more coverage.

The fertilizer won't burn,

and the gas just

becomes a propellant.

Kinda like what kidney

beans do for chili.

[ laughter ]

so remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have work to do.

All the while listening

to my favourite song...

"the green,

green grass of home."

[ engine struggles

to turn over ]

[ laughter ]

[ laughter and applause ]

[ ♪ ]

I wanna talk about cellular

phones for a minute.

You know, in the old days,

you see a guy walking

down the street

yabbering away into thin air,

you would never think of

the word "phone,"

just the word "cell."

now we got all these nuts

driving around talking

on the phone,

only one hand on the wheel.

Oh, sure, I know,

in a fit of road rage,

you'd often take one hand off

the wheel to communicate

with another driver,

but that was a totally

different kind of

digital signal.

And you know,

these cell phones,

they don't even ring,

they play little tunes

or jingles or something.

And they always go off

at the wrong time,

like at church.

I mean, it's not

even your phone,

but everybody turns around

to see where the sound's

coming from,

and there you are,

sitting there sound asleep.

See, now, to me,

a cell phone is just a leash,

and if you don't come

when you're called,

you're not gonna

be top dog for long.

Whenever I see

a person on a cell phone,

they're always talkin'

to somebody,

but they're walkin' around

the room, trying to get

a clear signal.

If you want a clear signal,

go over to the person's house

for cryin' out loud.

Cell phones are great for

emergencies or something,

but if you're using it

to communicate with your

friends or loved ones,

you're gonna eventually

be disconnected.

And that'll ruin

your entire weekend,

no matter how many

free minutes you get.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for ya.

We're all

in this together.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

hello?

Dad?

Tim!

Hey.

How are you?

I'm good, yeah.

How's mom?

She's fine.

We're both fine.

So you comin' home

for the holidays?

Well, things are pretty busy

over here, dad.

I see.

I just...

Yeah?

Well, I was just calling to say

I really miss you guys.

Thanks, son.

It sure is good to hear you.

[ whirring noises ]

what the --

oh for --

it's everywhere!

Hello?

Dad? Hello?

Some calls can wait;

some can't.

I don't understand why

we have to do this at all.

Because it gets people

up to possum lodge.

And the best way to do that is

through the television show,

but if nobody's watching the

television show then lalala!

Well, we have people

like me watching;

we just don't have

people like you watching.

I've always been

proud of that.

Uncle red, I checked

with the neilson people,

and our ratings -- when you

were arguing with dalton,

our ratings were way up

in that first segment.

We're definitely on

the right track here.

Boy, I don't

think so, harold.

Okay...

What? What?

We are walkin'.

Well, you could

use the exercise.

No, he means we're

walkin' from the show.

We don't like the tension,

we don't like the animosity.

It's too much like

being at work.

Too much like

being at home.

Well, I'm sorry,

you're both under contract.

You can leave.

Yeah? Well, you know where

you can stick your contract.

Give me a call if you

need some help getting

it back out.

C'mon, winston!

Oh, uncle red,

this is great television!

Yeah? Well, you'll

love this next part.

I'm with them.

[ laughter and applause ]

red: Walter was driving

out by port asbestos.

He had a big load on the trailer

and he just had the

little k-car,

not as reliant

as the name sometimes.

So it just started

to overheat a little bit,

so he pulled over,

didn't really get too

far off the road,

and he decide -- I don't know

why men feel they need

to open the hood

whenever they see something

bad happening, but...

A lot of smoke

and steam there.

And dalton was coming

along up the road

and then the smoke just

come up the wrong way there

and he kinda lost walter

in the haze and the next --

just uh...

So walter -- or I should say

dalton was feeling a

little guilty,

so he thought he should just

tow the whole shebang there.

So he tied that up there

and got walter in there,

and then a little bit more

powerful car,

but he gave a couple of good

revs and popped the clutch

and what have you,

but as luck would have it,

he ended up doing the same

thing to his engine...

They both thought they'd open

the hood and have a look

at what was going on.

They got even more smoke.

Now I was coming along

and of course similar --

had the wipers on,

thinking that might help,

but no...

And that was unfortunate.

So now, uh, my unit's a little

newer, a little more power,

I figure maybe I can pull both

of them plus the trailer.

Should be good.

So I revved her up

pretty good and everything,

but I think I was

underestimating the load,

and then wouldn't you know it,

as luck would have it,

she, uh, started overheating,

and then, uh...

We all opened the hood

to take a look inside there.

And we're gettin' a

lotta smoke here.

And mike come along in a police

cruiser he had borrowed

temporarily,

and, uh, well,

you know the rest...

That was unfortunate.

Now we're thinking, you know,

with the police cruiser,

we may actually have a shot

pullin' three --

now we've got three cars

and a trailer.

But they got the big 8,

and they got the racing

cam in them,

and you think a cop car

usually's got the power,

but here again,

you know,

as luck would have it,

he ended up...

And we were like, no, mike!

Gotta stop him, gotta stop him.

Bad things happen

when you open the --

here comes winston

in the sewage truck.

We're thinking, okay, okay,

we got a better idea.

This whole towing

thing ain't working.

Here's a better way to go,

and so there goes mike

and he's pulling up on me,

and right behind me,

we got dalton,

and then of course we've got

walter with the trailer.

And we're all on

our merry way.

We learned a

life lesson here.

Doesn't matter

how much pull you have,

sometimes

you need a push.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

you know, one of the problems

with living up in the

northern region --

I mean, aside from the

blackflies and the mosquitoes,

and the lousy services,

and the bone-numbing cold...

Is the shortness

of the season.

Yeah, especially the spring.

So every year, my wife

bernice gets me to get

her seeds started

in these little trays,

you know, with the light

shining down over top.

But I tell ya, by the time

they're ready to be planted,

so am I.

So I figure if I put a car

windshield on there

that'll kind of

magnify the light

and give the seeds a

turbo boost of ultra violet.

You know, I'm just

speeding up nature a bit.

Sort of like what

alcohol does at a wedding.

Okay, but that's

just the beginning.

Sure, we can

magnify the light,

but, hey, let's start

with a bigger light.

Now, I'm not gonna say

where I got that light,

but if you're planning to

land a plane at port

asbestos airport,

well, I suggest you

arrive during the day.

All right, let's give

mother nature a kickstart, huh?

[ laughter ]

[ applause ]

everybody welcome back

to the most exciting,

controversial segment

of the harold green show!

Ohhhh.... Uh...

Thank you. Thank you!

Welcome back to the finale

of my reality-based show.

We've had a lot of tension

up at the lodge this week,

and that's good,

because tension is good.

It's entertaining,

and, uh, it's what

people wanna see.

There's nothing like

the tension between the

characters on a show,

you know, the...

[ laughter ]

b-b-big week up

at the lodge this week...

Um, buster hadfield fell

on a conveyor belt

at the soft drink factory and

got his skull capped --

harold.

Yes?

We can't let

you do this.

Me neither.

The ratings don't

matter, harold,

you can't force

people to change.

We liked it the

way it was before!

Me too.

You know, when you're

in the sewage business,

you learn that everybody

has their bad side.

I'm with you 100%,

I really am.

You know, harold, it doesn't

make for much of an argument

if you don't disagree.

People might

stop watching.

Well, I don't care!

I know I was wrong,

and I admit that, okay?!

I would even say it to

uncle red, but I have

no idea where he is.

Apology accepted, harold.

Oh, uncle red!

It's uncle red!

I missed you.

I missed you so much!

No, no, no...

I started talking --

that's fine, fine.

[ possum squealing ]

it's meeting time.

Yes, it is, harold.

No!

It's a real meeting,

and real people!

Yes, you should

be real gone.

Okay, so if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting,

and today we learned that

reality is overrated.

'course, you knew that

or you would'na married me.

And to the rest of ya,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

come on. Sit down.

Sit down, everybody.

Sit down. Sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to... I guess.

Okay, junior singleton's got a

school bus to get rid of.

She's all rusted out

and doesn't run or anything.

Got one half-decent tire,

but the windows are out of it.

But it's free to anybody who'd

like to go over there

and pick it up.

There's a little

reality check for

you, harold.