Canoe Jousting/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold:

Okay, this is it.

We've done all the preparation,

all the planning,

and we've worked really,

really hard.

Well, you know, okay,

some people

didn't work as hard as others.

That's because they don't care

as much as I do.

Anyway,

we've done all we can do,

but not because everything

is perfect or anything,

just that we've pretty much

ran out of time.

So please welcome the star

of "the red green show,"

mr. Red green!

Thank you very much.

Thank you, harold,

and, uh, welcome to the show.

Yeah, we had a heck of a lot of

fun this week up at the lodge,

but -- oh, hey,

before I get to the fun aspect,

harold, come on over here

a minute.

Harold is, uh, producer

and director of the show,

and, uh, he has this fancy

little gizmo

that allows him to do

all kinds of special effects

that you'll be subjected to

throughout the half-hour.

Yeah, neat, weird stuff

like this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

See, that way, I can get

from a boring segment

into a real

interesting one.

For example,

I can do that.

You wouldn't have even

needed that gizmo up

here yesterday, harold.

We got into

a-a canoe-jousting contest.

This is where

you, uh, tie your laundry

to the end

of a canoe paddle,

and then you use that

and try to knock the other guy,

you know,

out of his canoe.

That sounds neat.

You got footage of that?

Can I see footage of that?

If you got footage of that,

I'd like to see footage

of it if you got some.

You got footage?

Well, no [clears throat]

I have the memory of it, harold,

and if I could just tell a story

about it, that's just as good.

Oh, yeah, that's great.

But first just let me go

to the next segment.

[ keyboard clacking ]

I have footage of that.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ blood on the saddle ♪

♪ blood on the ground ♪

♪ blood on the treetops

halfway to town ♪

♪ I admit I was careless,

but I've taken a pledge ♪

♪ never again

will I kill a mosquito ♪

♪ with a 16-pound sledge ♪

this week on "handyman corner,"

I'm gonna take you outside

and, uh, show you

something you can do

with, uh, something that

everybody has at least one of

in their backyard --

uh, an old junk car.

You know, maybe you found the

car or it come with the house

or you just got up one morning,

there it was,

dropped out of a plane

or something.

You can tell a lot about people,

what kind of car they have.

And, uh, maybe they

just hang on to it

for sentimental value,

or maybe it has no wheels.

But we want to show

you something

that you can do

with these things.

With a little bit of innovation,

you maybe can make a play fort

for the kids

or, in our case today,

a fabulous,

fabulous garden center.

Let me show you here.

[ clears throat ]

now, this is

the, uh, garden shed.

And in here, I keep all of my --

all my gardening tools

and my weed whacker,

my weed whipper,

my weed whipper whacker,

whack whipper,

and a whipping whacking weeder.

They're all in here,

and, uh, what is that?

That little fella

shouldn't be in there.

Now, in this area in the car,

you've always wanted

a greenhouse.

How about a greenhouse

with an a.M./f.M. Radio,

a heat-controlled defrost,

uh, side vents, uh, top vents?

We don't have a sunroof in this.

Maybe you'd like it

to have a sunroof.

And you could even have

an air conditioner.

You can adjust the, uh -- you

can adjust the air temperature

just by rolling up and down

the windows,

or you want to just blow

all the --

you want the plants

to all grow one way,

you just open and just blow.

It's a fabulous, fabulous thing.

And let me show you something

else we got over here.

Way over the other side here,

this is an interesting way

to grow tomatoes.

You hook them right

onto the radio aerial,

and then as the tomatoes

grow up, so does the aerial.

The radio waves will give you a

very unusual taste, kind of a --

well, you can set them

for heavy metal

or middle-of-the-road tomatoes,

whatever it is that you want.

Now, for your -- maybe

you've got some tropical plants

that require a little more

warmth, a little more humidity.

Here's your spot right here.

And these things will grow --

you only have to start her up

two or three times a day,

and these will just flourish

in here.

And, you know,

you think about, uh --

about watering your plants

and so forth,

and, uh, I say, you know,

why risk getting another hernia

carrying a watering can

or what have you

when, uh, you've got

the rad hose here?

You just, uh -- you might have

to put an extension on that.

Put another couple extra feet

on that.

But you take her

right back here.

I had the greenhouse locked.

And, uh, right in there,

you got the --

this is your --

we got full security here.

Get in here,

and then all you got to do

is, uh, start up your engine.

[ engine turns over ]

there we go, and I can just

hose her right down there.

[ engine shuts off ]

the thing with that deal

is you want to make sure

you got the car rust-proofed.

And, uh, if you want to make

your own weed whacker

or whip weeder, weedy whipper,

weedy weedy...

How about this?

[ grunts ]

it's a fan out of the heater.

Oh, let me show you

something else.

[ buzzing ]

now, back here, uh,

I don't think you can do this.

You just leave the car running,

and the exhaust gases --

'cause plants work

on carbon dioxide.

Well, there's carbon dioxide

in there,

and there's something else

called carbon monoxide,

which is, I think, exactly

the same thing.

There's lead and there's pewter,

I believe.

I think there's also oat bran

in car exhaust.

Not sure about that.

It usually makes me have to go

to the bathroom.

Anyway, another thing

I wanted to show you,

this is a fabulous,

fabulous invention.

This is a hose reel.

I mean, how many times did I run

over the hose with a lawn mower

before I got this baby, eh?

17.

But, uh, I've got a better way

of making a hose reel out of --

out of this garden center, uh,

which will save you a few bucks.

Let me show you how that works.

All right.

[ clears throat ]

so, what we're looking at here

is a 200-horsepower,

uh, hose reel.

And, uh, that saves you

a heck of a lot of time

and a heck of a lot of energy.

And all I got to do

is, uh, start up the car

and drop her into reverse,

but before I do,

I'd just like to say,

until next time, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ engine turns over ]

we'll be right back with more

of the canoe-jousting story.

And soon it'll be seared

into your memory, too.

[ thunder crashes ]

"it is spring.

"young couples

return from the woods

"with stars in their eyes

and love in their hearts

and mosquito bites that can't be

scratched in public."

well, as I was saying,

uh, we got into

this canoe-jousting thing,

and the guys all went down

to the dock,

and we brought our laundry

and our canoes

and our paddles and everything.

But, you know, we needed some

kind of a handicapping system.

And it didn't seem fair

that stinky peterson

would have to go head-to-head

against moose thompson,

when stinky weighs about

the same as moose's tongue.

So to give stinky

a fair advantage there,

we, uh, let him use the paddle

that had old man sedgwick's

laundry on it.

I mean, it wasn't even tied on.

It just stuck.

Then we ran a safety wire

from the laundry

up to the roof of the boathouse

so that if there was a problem

at all,

it wouldn't fall into the lake

and kill the fish.

Well, uh, the fight

got going there,

and stinky

was doing pretty well,

keeping his balance

and everything.

But, geez, all of a sudden,

moose thompson bends way over

and just bit the bottom right

out of stinky's canoe, you know,

which, uh, that put stinky

into the sandbar

and put moose

into the semifinals.

Excuse me, uncle red,

I just got to say

there's nobody in television

who tells a story like you do.

Well, thank you, harold.

I think there's a reason

for that.

[ keyboard clacking ]

morning, glen.

Hi, red.

How'd you like to go for a ride

in the rv?

Oh, where to?

Oh, I don't know.

How about the grand canyon?

Oh, golly, glen,

that's got to be 3,000 miles

south of here, isn't it?

I can shut the marina down, red.

I've done it before.

Yeah, but you're gonna need

a lot of extra food and clothes

and maps and so on.

She's all loaded up, red.

I keep delores fully loaded

for all times.

Wow.

Delores?

Yeah, she's my four-wheeled

freedom machine here, red.

Yep, with auto-cruise

on this baby,

we could get down

to the grand canyon in 83 hours.

Well, actually, glen,

I just need some outboard motor

oil for the lodge runabout.

That's why I'm here.

Red, we could be sitting

in the grand canyon,

sucking on microwave chili.

Can you imagine?

Well, actually, the echo

would scare me to death.

No, I just need three quarts

of oil

for the 9 1/2

we got up at the lodge.

Yeah, sure.

So do you have any oil,

glen?

Why should I help you?

Well, you're the only marina

within 100 miles.

You're a lodge member.

I'm a lodge owner.

You sold me the motor.

Stop me if I make a point here.

All right, okay. Sure.

Uh, help yourself.

Oh, all right.

Where you keep the oil?

Uh...

Glen?

I'm thinking, red.

You know, maybe you could

microwave me a cup of coffee.

I always think better

with that.

Why don't I just look

in the workshop here?

Oh, I think the coffee

would be faster.

All right.

You know, uh, there's some

frozen layer cakes in there.

Yeah.

You know, they got

tons of layers,

just like the grand canyon.

Probably the same age.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ tougher than iron ♪

♪ not one ounce of fat ♪

♪ all sinew and muscle

and blacker than black ♪

♪ I guess I burned

the steaks again ♪

♪ mmm ♪

oh, great, uncle red,

come on in.

Grab a seat.

I dipped in the old mailbag,

grabbed a couple letters.

And they both have to deal

with etiquette.

[ clears throat ]

yeah, well, go ahead.

Okay, well, first one says,

"dear red,

what do you serve with red wine

and with white wine?"

well, it's a little outside

my area of expertise, harold,

but, uh, here's what I do.

I serve red wine

with vinegar-flavored chips,

onion rings, those little

hickory sticks, and licorice.

Whereas white wine, I chill that

for, oh, almost a full minute,

and I serve that

with ketchup-flavored chips,

uh, cheese balls, peanuts,

uh, popcorn,

and, uh,

the pepperoni sticks.

Oh, well, that should

certainly help our viewer

plan that wedding reception.

Wa-a-a!

Well, we got another letter

here, uncle red.

And it says, "dear red,

"recently I dined

at a real fancy restaurant

"where everyone had like two or

three forks, a couple of knives,

and more spoons than we have

in our whole house."

[ chuckles ]

"what's the big idea?"

well, uh, this happens a lot,

okay?

Uh, you know, it has to do

with the type of restaurant.

Now, you might be having

a fancy meal at the restaurant.

You'll be having,

uh, let's say crab

or steak alaska

or "fillet mig-non."

oh, no,

that's "filet mignon."

filly?

What is it, a horse meat?

Waa!

No, it's french!

The french eat horse,

don't they?

No!

The french word for horse

is "chapeau."

oh.

Well, anyway, uh, they give you

all these cutlery things

because, uh, they have a

different, uh, piece of cutlery

for every different course.

'cause in a fancy restaurant,

the waiter's never going to say,

uh, "save your forks

'cause there's pie."

uh, it's --

it's too, um, uh...

Gauche.

What?

It's french.

And fancy restaurants use,

like, a lot of french,

you know, like pie a la mode,

au gratin, maître d'.

Yeah, okay.

So like when you're in a french

restaurant and you belch,

you don't say, "excuse me,"

you say, "pardon my french."

au gratin, monsieur.

You're starting

to get on my nerves, harold.

Well, let's go to the next

segment, then, by all means.

Where'd all this french stuff

come from, anyway?

School.

Yeah, might have known.

[ film projector clicking ]

red:

This is another, uh, segment

of our "adventures with bill,"

where we are gonna deal with

survivalism,

surviving, survivalists,

uh...Staying alive, basically.

And I think you can see

where we're going with this.

Uh...He's out of water.

And, uh, we're gonna show you

how you can find water

in nature.

I don't -- I don't mind bill

doing these.

I just -- I just don't like,

you know, having to do them

with him.

Anyway, out come--

out comes his ax.

Bill's got his ax.

This is something that,

uh, you may not be aware of,

but if you can chop a branch

off a tree...

[ slurps ]

...Sometimes you can hook

right into the sap

or the watery stuff

that comes out there.

[ slurps ]

no, no. Nothing yet.

You know what they say --

third time lucky.

[ gurgling ]

I don't know quite what kind of

a tree that was there.

Anyway, another thing you can do

is low-lying branches,

give them a -- and they got --

water comes flying off those

or even a higher branch --

you can see

that he's got a big stick now.

I don't think bill realized

there was a beehive up there.

Aah, aah, aah.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, boy.

Oh, yeah.

The good thing was he was

keeping the bees off me.

And then he, uh --

he made one of these little,

uh, divining rods

or witching rods or I don't know

what you call these things.

It's almost like

a folk-art kind of thing.

They say that -- I don't know

what's happening there exactly,

but they say

they can find water,

you know, by the spirit

of the tree or something.

So, anyway, he says

there's water right there,

so I grab the shovel and,

well, I can hardly believe it.

I can hardly -- 'cause

I don't really buy into --

but what he'd done is hit

the underground hose there.

Thank you, bill.

Ah, well.

He meant well, I'm sure.

But who cares?

Now we're just moving along.

He's looking for another spot

with water in it,

and, you know, when

you're walking along with bill,

it seems that strange things

happen.

I-I-I don't ask.

In fact, I'd rather not know

most of the time.

He was moving through, and he

was starting to get something.

He was starting to twitch,

and so was the rod.

And, uh, you know,

he was looking back and forth,

and -- and -- and he said,

"do what I do,"

so I tried to do

the best I could.

And all of a sudden,

he seemed to be centering in,

and, of course,

guess where the water was.

Right under the rock.

He wants me to move the rock

for him.

Oh, yeah, that could happen,

so I decide to smash the rod.

No, I couldn't believe it,

either.

Water would be hard,

wouldn't it?

This is another technique.

This is really to catch rain.

Yeah, you strap a tarpaulin

between a few trees,

and it wasn't raining

this particular day,

so bill just went

to get a hose,

and he's not real good

with the hoses,

so I decided

to kind of take over.

And we just pretend that that's

just like it's raining in there.

He gets his canteen back,

and he goes underneath it,

and what he does

is he waits for the rain

to build up in the tarp,

which it was.

And, you know,

water is quite heavy,

and we didn't notice the knot

starting to slip off one corner.

So then all he has to do

is take a little knife

and jam it in the bottom,

and it'll, uh...

And he got the water.

He even managed to eventually

to get the canteen filled up.

"it is summer.

"the days are long.

"relatives on vacation

come to stay with you.

"the days get longer.

"they brought mom.

Infinity."

well, you see,

uncle red,

it's not that I have anything

against hockey.

It's just that soccer

is a better sport.

I just happen to prefer soccer.

That's all.

You know, more kids

are enrolling in soccer school

than they are

in hockey school.

It's true.

Because it's a better sport.

It's a trend.

It's a wave.

That's all.

You know, okay, okay, okay.

For instance,

in -- in -- in soccer,

you don't have to buy

those great, big, hard pads

that eventually pinch you,

you know.

And there's no ice to fall down

and crack your skull on.

There's no boards

to ram your face into.

I for one prefer that.

Soccer is not a real sport,

harold, okay?

For me, for a real sport,

you got to have bloodshed,

you got to have

serious physical injury.

Soccer has all that...

Up in the stands.

Fights?

Oh, gang wars.

That bad, eh?

Oh, yeah, you know what parents

can be like.

Any thoughts coming to you,

glen, at all?

Yeah.

Do you remember

where you left the oil?

No, I was thinking about

the grand canyon, red.

Well, I think I'll just

poke around,

see if I can find it

myself.

Man, oh, man, red.

Just think of it --

the grand canyon.

We could be sitting

in the bottom of that baby,

looking right up at all of

that rock and shale and stuff.

Every sediment

tells a story.

Yeah.

You could look at all

that gray stuff, that rock,

and just think

that they used to be dinosaurs

and prehistoric trees

and foliage and stuff.

You could reach up and bust

a piece of that stuff off.

Man, we just hold it in our hand

and just look at it

and then throw it

at each other

then...Into the lake

or the river

or whatever's at the bottom

of that canyon.

Okay, glen.

I found the oil I was looking

for, so, uh, thanks a lot.

Just, uh,

put it on my bill, huh?

I know why you can't go,

red.

It's your wife, isn't it?

She won't let you go.

You see, red,

I'm a free man.

Yeah, right, glen.

I am.

I can do anything I'd like.

I can go anywhere

and come as I please.

I'll go to the grand canyon,

red.

You just wait.

You just watch me.

Oh, by the way,

that's the wrong oil.

We'll be back

with lots more stuff,

and let's not forget

the phrase "canoe jousting."

let's not forget the phrase

"boring out of a tree."

let's not forget that,

either.

♪ there's a grass fire

blazing ♪

♪ in the back

of the house ♪

♪ the black smoke smells

like a toasted mouse ♪

♪ we do this every year 'cause

it helps with the growing ♪

♪ and more importantly ♪

♪ it's a hell of a lot easier

than mowing ♪

hey!

Hi.

I know a lot of you teenagers

out there are rebelling,

and, uh, you don't

really know why.

Maybe you're torching

school buses

or knocking over variety stores.

It doesn't matter.

What does matter is that

this is just a natural part

of the maturing process.

It's just your way of saying,

"hey, I am not like my parents.

"I'm me.

"and if that means taking

a flamethrower to the mall,

then so be it."

the important thing to remember

is that if you're gonna

be rebellious,

have some fun with it.

You know, they say the teenage

years are the best years.

And you should remember that

and enjoy them.

Because you're probably gonna

spend the rest of your life

behind bars.

So, uh, when we got down

to the absolute final matchup

in the canoe-jousting

competition,

it turned out to be

moose thompson

against, uh, buster hadfield.

Now, uh, what buster lacked

in size and speed,

uh, he also lacked in strength

and cunning.

But, you know, he surprised us.

Before the fight began,

what buster did

was he swing his paddle

right around,

and he catches moose

right square between the eyes.

You know, of course, this gets

moose laughing, you know.

And then buster

unties the laundry

and loops an old pair

of work pants

upside down over moose's head.

Well, I mean,

how is moose supposed to fight

looking out the fly

of a pair of work pants

while he's having a major fit

of the giggles?

So naturally it ended in a draw.

But, uh, golly,

it was a great day,

and, uh, you know, after

we returned the broken canoes

to the scout camp,

uh, we all had our picture taken

with moose's forehead lump.

And, uh, boy, I'll tell you,

a good time was had by some.

So, anyway,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home,

and I'm bringing

everybody's laundry.

I-I knew you'd understand.

Okay, so thank you

for watching the show,

and on behalf of myself

and, uh, harold,

uh, and the rest of the gang

up here at the lodge,

uh, keep your stick on the ice.