Green Green/Transcript

The complete transcript for Green Green

Title sequence
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, the scene cuts to a shot of Harold holding up a sign reading "Teachers are People II" and pointing to his own head.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} This is Red Green. In today's show, Harold salutes his teachers...

{Cut to a shot of Bill looking down at something at his feet and not being able.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Bill gets stuck in the mud...

''{Cut to a shot of Red sitting in a lawn chair, the webbing of which he accidentally tore by sitting through with his rear now stuck in the seat. He struggles with the chair.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'm gonna give you the lowdown on how to fix your lawn chair.

''{Cut to an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshots appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.}''

Intro
{The camera walks out from a back room and looks at several items before arriving in the main lodge room, while Harold introduces the show.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now it's time for the show about the greatest Canadian folk hero since Uncle Joe on Petticoat Junction! {lower voice} Well, you know, of course, he wasn't Canadian, so that's not fair. Of course, no one even cares about my uncle of his complexion, {ecstatic again} so here he is, my uncle, Mr. Red Green!

''{Red walks into the lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He holds a manila envelope in his hand. Harold makes excited gyrations and cheers and whoops loudly. Red looks at Harold listlessly.}''

RED GREEN: {waving the audience's cheering down} Thank you very much. Thank you, and please {gestures toward Harold} take anything that Harold says with a grain of aspirin.

''{Harold laughs and plays his switcher. A shot of him stretching and getting distorted is shown flying over the lake. He whoops loudly.}''

RED GREEN: And a jar of gramal. Things have been kinda slow up at the lodge this week, so I ended up with some time on my hands, and I thought, well, maybe I'll clean out the boathouse or maybe drag some of the old car batteries out of the front hall. {looks at manila envelope} I decided instead to take a look at this month's mail.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red, eagerly} Oh, great! Oh, that's a great choice, because maybe my Star Trek stuff came! Did it come, my Star Trek stuff? Come?

RED GREEN: {somewhat annoyed} No, Mr. Spock, it did not. However, your report card did.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh... Well, good. {giggles} You didn't read it, by chance, did you, Uncle Red, did you?

RED GREEN: {looking at camera suspiciously} You know, I thought it was kind of odd that, uh, my nephew's report card'd come here to Possum Lodge rather than his home, where his parents are. {to Harold} Doesn't that seem unusual to you, Harold?

''{Harold looks nervous. He breathes in sharply as he tries to think.}''

RED GREEN: Huh?

HAROLD GREEN: No.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} No?

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles nervously} Can I have it, please? Can I?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, we'll talk about it later, I guess. {to camera} But on a happier note, {holds up piece of paper from envelope} I got this application form from the government, where they say if we can get ourselves classified as a recreational, uh, tourist attraction, they will give us a grant for upgrading and promotion.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} Government money?! {giggles; singsong voice} You'll lose your independence! {giggles again; dramatically, pointing down at floor} You're turning your back on the free market capitalist system that we have created for each and every individual in this fine, great, outstanding country of ours, {points up dramatically} sir!

RED GREEN: It's $50,000, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: I've been in there like a dirty shirt, don't get me wrong. It's not me, {points behind himself with thumb} it's– it's the others I'm thinking of.

RED GREEN: They're there, we should be there. 'Course, we don't need that much money. The whole lodge is only worth twenty. But I figure, gosh, I could get even 300 bucks, get myself half a dozen, uh, repoed boats or what have you. I mean, that'd be fine. But then I thought to myself, gee, I'm not sure if, you know, Possum Lodge would qualify. {Harold starts sneaking up behind Red} But then, by golly, you know, it would make the lodge more Canadian if– if the business was subsidized by the government. {Harold has gotten up behind Red} Don't touch that report card, Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: {recoiling} Oh...

Red's Campfire Song 1
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by tapping a plastic gas container.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, when I was a lad, my dad would take me
 * Down to Possum Lake.
 * We'd build a raft out of logs and empties,
 * Then we'd lie in the sun and bake.
 * We'd paddle out for a mile or more
 * Till the shore was starting to dim.
 * Then good old Dad would set the raft on fire,
 * And that's how he taught me how to swim.

Handyman Corner
''{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another part of the lodge, where Red stands next to a worktable. On the table is a lawn chair.}''

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you some fine furniture restoration that will not only enhance the beauty, but will also add to the value {gestures toward chair} of this beautiful old antique aluminum lawn chair. {picks up chair and sets down on floor} Now, what happens with these units is, unless you're one of those purists that brings 'em in for the winter, is that they sit out there in the sun and the sleet and the rain and the hail and the icicles and the tornadoes and the thunderstorms and the monsoons, if you live near the coast. And what happens is, you get a chemical change in the webbing here where this soft, plastic, pliable, durable stuff turns into kind of a crystallized, crunchy, gray and white (?) substance, {sits down in chair} and, uh, next thing you know, your barbecue guests sit down and, uh... {accidentally sits through webbing; his backside is now stuck in chair} spill their hot dogs and beer all over their leisure suit. Not to mention the four-inch sliver from the deck that goes up through the seat of their pants in search of a new home. And before you know it, your dinner party goes from your backyard to small claims court. {struggles to get up, but is stuck; moves around} Now, this might look funny, and it is, but not if it happens to you. But instead of throwing the chair out in the garbage, or I should say, throwin' it in the garage with the idea that you're gonna fix it someday, for nine years or ten years or a hundred years, and then throwing it out, I'm gonna show you a way to restore this antique beauty back to as good as new. {struggles to get out of chair, but only moves chair around several inches} Oh boy! Glad I waxed the floor.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red had gotten out of the chair, which he has now placed on the worktable. He is using a saw to cut through the straps.}''

RED GREEN: All right, uh, once you got the straps, uh, cut through there, you just gotta {takes a pair of pliers} pop those metal clips off the top.

''{Red puts the pliers on one of the clips and tries to pull them out. But it doesn't budge. Instead, he manages only to shake the lawn chair around. He grunts with the effort.}''

RED GREEN: God! Those things are really on there!

''{Red then places the pliers on the chair again and then lifts it up into the air with them. He then swings the pliers around to get the metal clips off. However, with the pliers, he throws the chair across to the other end of the room. Off-screen, it lands somewhere with a crash. Red runs over to the chair. He is heard then again trying to pull off a metal clip. Again, he accidentally throws the chair across the room. Red runs after it again. Again, he tries to pull off a metal clip with the pliers, and again, he sends the chair flying across the room. Wipe to a later scene. Red throws the chair on the table. The lawn chair has finally gotten all the metal clips and the straps removed. All there is now is just the frame of the chair itself. Red walks up to the chair, holding the pliers, which has a piece of the strap in it.}''

RED GREEN: {groans} Oh boy! {coughs} All right, that's got her. {puts pliers on table, then picks up chair} Now what we have to do is put the webbing on there. {puts chair off to side} It's expensive stuff, I'll tell ya. Fifteen bucks a roll seems a little steep to fix a $2 lawn chair, don't you think? Luckily, I may not have money, but I have imagination. 'Course, I'd rather have money. {picks up a roll of ribbon on the table} So I suggest you use something else. Like maybe ribbon... {looks at ribbon closely} Although, now, the– the sides of that are pretty sharp, you know. You think a paper cut's bad? Try sliding your backside over that in your Speedo; that'll get your attention. Have your own checkerboard on there. {picks up a spool of lamp cord} Or you can use lamp cord. That'll work good. {examines the cord} That's not sharp on the edge at all. It comes in the brown, it comes in the white. It could be kind of attractive and... 'Course, I have a ton of this left over from that electric weaver's loom I made last year. {puts down cord and picks up some car seat belts} Or car seat belts, that would work. {examines seat belts} Well, you're sitting on them anyway. {shrugs} Might as well make it official. {picks up some skipping rope} Or you can even use a kid's skipping rope while they're at school. They don't mind you doing stuff like that. {drops the rope} Whatever it is you use, you want to attach it all on there {picks up a roll of duct tape} with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {pulls off a small bit of duct tape} Now, you can do it that. {pulls off some more duct tape} But I got a better idea.

''{Red starts to pull off a lot more duct tape. Wipe to a later scene. Red has covered the whole lawn chair in duct tape, all silvery and shiny.}''

RED GREEN: Look at that! Shiny silver frame, shiny silver webbing. Kinda looks like the Lone Ranger's lawn chair, doesn't it? And that shiny chrome look just, uh, just screams money as far as I'm concerned. Or maybe it just screams imagination. {puts chair on ground} And she is strong! I'll tell ya, your Aunt Orpha can sit in this baby. Let's try her out. {sits down in chair} Oh! Oh yeah! Oh, that's solid. That is solid. You got room for me in here and a fully-stocked cooler. And you know what you could do is you could, say, uh, make a patio umbrella and a hammock and– and even a garden trellis. Cover them all with duct tape; you get kind of a coordinated look. Can't beat that. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{Red waves and then stands up to get out of the chair. But the chair is stuck to him, the duct tape apparently having been put on sticky side up. He grunts while moving around, trying to pull the chair off of him.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, now, here's an added bonus: you can use the chair as a lint remover. {suddenly pushes chair off of him, making a popping sound; keels over and groans in pain} Or a hair remover! {walks away slowly, still keeled over} I forgot about the rip in those pants.

The Experts
{Harold stands in the lodge basement beside a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! This is the part of the show that I love as we expose the three little words that men find so difficult to say: "I don't know." {Red and Dougie emerge from behind a door in the back and enter into the room} And here to prove that point once again is my Uncle Red and his best friend in the whole wide world! {looks at them briefly} Today, it's Mr. Dougie Franklin!

''{Red and Dougie wave. They all sit around the table. Harold picks up a letter.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Here's the letter: {reads} "Dear Experts, I'm thinking of taking the family on a vacation this winter. Are there any places you would recommend?"

RED GREEN: Well, by golly, there are just so many of them, you know. Beautiful spots... {looks down to think} Uh... {looks up again} Moose Lake... {Dougie takes off one of his boots and feels around inside it} Uh, Moose Jaw... Uh, Moose Factory is nice. Uh... {Dougie puts his boot back on} Moosonee this time of year...

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, I think the viewer would like, uh, less Moose and more fun.

RED GREEN: Oh, all right.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {after adjusting his boot} You know, you got your Bahamas... you know you got the Barbados, you got your, uh, Bimini Island, your Bikini Atoll, (?), you know. But I would recommend to anybody, if you're looking into a tropical paradigm, {holds up three fingers} remember these three words, folks, three words: {holds up left thumb} food, {holds up left index finger} weather, {holds up left middle finger} medical care. You can't tell me the best doctors are working at resort circuits.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, uh, is there a place that you would recommend, Mr. Franklin?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Well, sir, I would think, before I'd sign on the dotted line for any one of those tropical tours, I'd take a good, hard look at a '65 or a '66 Mustang, Harold.

RED GREEN: Dougie, I don't think that is technically a resort, um... even if you turn the heater up full on that one.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Well, that's my point, though, Red. I mean, you know, {holds up both hands} why blow your brains out on two weeks of sunstroke and diarrhea, you know, when, for the same price, you could invest, okay, in a mint, boss 302 convertible? Instead of fun in the sun, you can have it made in the shade.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but I still don't think you could really equate, y'know, uh, seeing another country, another culture, even, with buying a used car.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Harold, the amount of money I spend on my monster truck... I coulda been around the world three, maybe four times, and what would I have to show for it? {both he and Red look at Harold}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, uh, adventure, knowledge, memories...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {scoffs} You cannot crush cars with memories.

RED GREEN: {nods} Got you there, Harold.

Endless Summer
''{Red is sitting on a bench on a hot summer day. He reads from a book.}''

RED GREEN: It is summer. A shotgun, a big hunting knife, leg hold traps, trip wires, pistols. You're armed and you're ready. And God help the neighbor who tries to use your pool.

Visit With Ranger Gord
{Red is at Fire Watchtower 13.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I took the application form to Ranger Gord, but he was all excited about something else.

RANGER GORD: {excited, standing up} Oh, I wanna show you something! Come here. {points out of tower as Red stands up} Look out there. You notice anything?

RED GREEN: {staring at where Gord is pointing} Forest?

RANGER GORD: No. {pointing again} A new tree. There's a new little tree.

RED GREEN: {looking at where Gord is pointing} What color is it?

RANGER GORD: {smiling} It's green. It's a green one. {shrugs} Cute, huh? I don't know what I'm gonna call him yet. {picks up a pair of binoculars and looks out through them} Oh, no, it's a her.

RED GREEN: {looking into camera} Thirty-one hundred days, folks.

RANGER GORD: Yep. Best attendance record in the province. Mr. Reliable, that's what they called me. That's why H.Q. sent me to this tower; this is the toughest tower they've got. {voice suddenly wavers} I moved up this ridge. {sobs softly}

RED GREEN: That's all right. {pulls out grant application} Uh, I'll tell you what, Gord. Gord, one thing you could help me with here, uh, I got this grant application from the government. I thought maybe you could point out any problems that you think you might have or whatever, you know?

RANGER GORD: {suddenly cheerful again, taking application} Sure! Sure, I'm with the clerical side of things, too, so if H.Q. has a cushy desk job available, I'm ready.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, we're trying to upgrade Possum Lodge.

RANGER GORD: Oh, yeah. {examining application} Yeah, you'll be fine, as long as you don't have any pollution problems. It says you'll have to clean up any environmental infractions.

RED GREEN: {taking back application} Oh. Yeah, all right, we can do that. Y'know, we got the septic system now. {puts application in back pocket}

RANGER GORD: Oh, yeah. But you know, you're gonna have to hook it up.

RED GREEN: Oh, right. Okay, well, thank you, Gord. That's terrific. Thanks. {gets up and starts heading for stairs}

RANGER GORD: {getting up} Don't go, don't go, don't go!

RED GREEN: {waving} I gotta–

RANGER GORD: No! Please, look! {holds up a metal bucket} I made a huge salad! {Red waves and starts walking down the stairs}

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, we're getting there with the cleanup. Stinky Peterson says that he can find the lid to the septic tank, because he knows what part of the lake it dropped into when it blew off during Mexican night. And now Buster Hadfield's out with a snow shovel, skimming the scum off of Possum Bay. And Moose Thompson is converting the barbecue to run on propane instead of old furniture.

HAROLD GREEN: That's wonderful, Uncle Red, but, y'know, all this cleanup and conversion, it costs money, and who's gonna pay for that?

RED GREEN: Well, the lodge is, Harold, out of the grant money.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles and walks up close to Red} Oh, yeah, that's all well and good, but what if it doesn't add up, right? What if all the expenses, once subtracted from the grant, actually equal a debit, {Red takes out Harold's report card and examines it} which is oftentimes, uh, you know, created and symbolized by that of a negative integer?

RED GREEN: {looking at Harold's report card} That's an interesting concept from a guy who got 43 in math.

HAROLD GREEN: {annoyed} Don't! That's personal and private property! {points at report card which Red pulls away} You shouldn't even be looking or nothin' at it! {reaches out to grab report card}

RED GREEN: Well, I–

''{Red pulls the report card away from Harold. Harold then sneaks up behind his uncle and tries to repeatedly to grab the report card from behind. But Harold's every attempt to grab it is thwarted by Red pulling it away repeatedly.}''

RED GREEN: {while Harold tries vainly to reach for report card} I don't think Harold has the strength or coordination to take this off me, if his gym mark is any indication. {Harold gives up in frustration}

Red's Campfire Song 2
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Ohhh...
 * There once was a guy from the city named Dave,
 * Who came up here to camp.
 * Well, Dave never wore pajamas,
 * And he said that was really camp.
 * When it came time to go to bed,
 * We heard a horrible yip.

HAROLD GREEN: Yip!

RED GREEN:
 * While zipping up his bedroll,
 * Dave had made a painful slip.
 * Well, we all had a real good laugh,
 * With the exception of Dave,
 * Who now wears pajamas to cover a scar that looks like a little wee windbreaker,
 * Which is what it is.

Harold's Segment
''{The camera pans left to where Harold stands in front of a TV set in a room of the lodge. He has on his switcher. Harold's segment music plays briefly.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And now, for all you young kids who don't mind wasting time, here's Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Get ready, because here's the part of the show for anyone who's in school! Oh, wait a sec, I don't, y'know, mean anyone who's in school, like, right now, 'cause if you're in school right now, how're you watching this show? {laughs} Got ya, eh? Okay, so we should call it, for anyone who attends school, all righty? That's what... Okay, anyway, this week's segment is called...

{Harold whips out a piece of green construction paper, on which is displayed a phrase "Teachers Are People II".}

HAROLD GREEN: {dramatically} "Teachers Are People II"! {grins} Haw! Cool, huh? Okay, see how I made, like, the Roman numeral II? Très cool! Almost a metaphor; creates the suggestion of a sequel, implying previous success... {giggles; points to head} Always thinking! Okay, alright, the bottom line is respect, okay? And respect, my friendlies, is a two-way street, alright? You have to respect the teacher, and the teacher {points at camera} has to respect you! Only, you know, you've gotta go first. And the best way I've found to earn the respect is once a month, you {points to hand} wash, wax and vacuum their car. Now, this creates a spirit of cooperation, yes, although it may not necessarily increase your marks any. But, you know, okay, say, like, in math, you got, like, you know, a 43, okay? {looks anxious} And you just need those nine more marks to get that 55! Oh, so you're just begging and you're bleeding and everything, {the door behind Harold opens and Red comes in, walking up beside Harold} and the teacher says, "Well, I'll get back to you, won't I?" Right there, you see, that's better than a flat "no", like last time. {giggles} You know, you may have to wait a while, you know, up to a month, say, you know, for some kind of an iota of an idea that they're gonna get back to you, you know. Just say...

RED GREEN: Harold? {Harold looks toward Red} Your math teacher's on the phone.

HAROLD GREEN: {gyrating excitedly} Oh! Oh, this is so cool! 'Cause I only need nine more math marks!

''{Giggling excitedly, Harold runs out of the room, carrying his switcher with him. Red watches him leave. But Harold doesn't know that the switcher is plugged in, and as he runs out, the cord stretches out taut. Off-screen, there is a crash. The whole time, Red watches.}''

RED GREEN: Or nine more feet of cable.

Red's Advice To Teenagers
''{Red walks by some bleachers at the edge of the woods. He is wearing a yellow slicker.}''

RED GREEN: I know you teenagers are mainly interested in one thing: sex and violence. So I think what the school should do is kinda stress the, say, the sex part of something like... uh, something like Shakespeare. You know, you got Hamlet there; he's always talking about his bare bodkin. And he says "Ophelia" right to his girlfriend. And how perverted would you have to be to be called King Lear? What about Othello? You got interracial sex and murder and suicide. And if you're really into the kinky stuff, you got "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" and "As You Like It". {starts to walk off} So I suggest you teenagers drop the rap music and the Madonna videos, and take a look at this Shakespeare stuff. Just don't tell your parents.