Let Me Count The Ways/Transcript

The complete transcript for Let Me Count The Ways

Intro
''{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! Haw! And now, here's a man who just doesn't flirt with disaster, he buys her a drink, your host, your hero, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

''{The front door of the lodge opens and Red enters, waving to the cheering audience. Harold plays his switcher, causing the phrase "RED GREEN RULES" to fly out, one word at a time.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Bit of disappointment up at the lodge this week. Uh, we had our annual "Man of the Year" award, which I kind of had my eye on there, but Flinty McClintock won it, and I come in second.

HAROLD GREEN: What did you win the award for? Most fermented beverages consumed at an indoor event? {laughs}

RED GREEN: No, Harold, this is an award for spending a lot of time up here.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red} Wow, I'm really surprised that Flinty beat you. I mean, you spend a lot of time here at the lodge, you know, doing... being here.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, Flinty was here 364 days last year.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow, that's every day but Christmas, I guess?

RED GREEN: {scratching cheek} Well, no, he was– he was here on Christmas, but his brandy stuffing exploded, and he spent 24 hours in the top of a tree, and the judges wouldn't let him count it.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, really? You kidding?

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: You know, actually, I'm kind of glad that Flinty won, you know. Maybe it will make up for the fact that his wife left him today.

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Yes! He doesn't even know yet. I guess he doesn't spend much time at home.

RED GREEN: Well, that's not very supportive. The guy wins Man of the Year, and she's not even there to congratulate him?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, what do you... Come on, what do you expect? He ignored her for over a year! {giggles} There's a lesson to be learned in there, Uncle Red. Haw! Flinty was first to lose his wife, but maybe you'll come in second.

RED GREEN: Oh, don't be crazy, Harold. Maybe I'll just, uh, go give Bernice a phone call, eh? {turns to leave, walking slowly, then stops and turns back to Harold} Harold? Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: 928–

RED GREEN: {interrupting, waving} Yeah, okay, okay. {leaves}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Red, who has cut up a city bus to make into a cigarette car.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Kind of a wingding of an episode this time around. A lot of engineering involved in this show.

''{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game, where Dougie has to say "Manners". He succeeds, and Red rings the bell to end the game.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I mean, we've got the other stuff, too, which is pretty much filler, I guess, you'd call it. But there's a lot of really good engineering...

{Cut to Bill, who is trying to lift himself off the ground with a bicycle.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and physical stuff, so stay tuned and learn.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * We love the words that weddings bring:
 * Love and honor and a beautiful ring,
 * Brides and grooms, maids and men,
 * Mum and dad, Barbie and Ken.
 * But one thing's true both near and far:
 * Two words that should never join are "cash" and "bar".

Handyman Corner
{Red walks along a field outside the lodge.}

RED GREEN: You know, this current recycling craze has made me feel a bit guilty about all those years I never recycled anything except beer and my own cooking. {walks up to Handyman Corner sign} So this week on Handyman Corner, I'm taking on a major recycling project. Now, I know you're supposed to separate out your pop cans and your newspapers and your plastics, but that's pretty wussy, small potatoes if you ask me. {rubs hands together} I wanna do something that's a little more impressive. I'm gonna do something big. I'm thinkin'...

''{Red walks up to a city bus parked in the field. Next to it is an acetylene torch. He laughs as he taps the bus.}''

RED GREEN: How about a city bus? Eh? Take a look at that! How many pop cans is this one worth? I got this unit for fifty bucks. Fifty bucks! I mean, oh, yeah, a lot of parts are missing, and it doesn't run too good, but fifty bucks? Boy, our society's values are all screwed up! {laughs} Now, you could make anything out of this. You could make a... {looks up at bus} Well, you're really only limited by your own imagination. {walks up to acetylene torch} Now, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna turn this thing into a cigarette car! Now, you know how they've got the cigarette boats {talks torch hose} where the driver sits at the very back and then the hood {reaches hand out} goes waaaay out in front of him? I'm gonna make the version of that for the road! Yeah, I've already got the backseat to drive from, and I've got the big, long hood... {looks down at bus} except right now it's a roof!

''{A montage begins as Red puts on some protective eyewear and takes the acetylene torch to the bus. He starts cutting up the bus with it. Later, he is seen cutting through the roof with the torch. Finally, he finishes cutting up the bus with a circular saw and is wearing bigger goggles for protection. The top of the bus has been cut off and is suspended in midair by a crane. The windows have been removed, too, along with the steering mechanism, all of which lie on the ground. He turns off the saw and turns to the camera, wiping his hands together as he does so.}''

RED GREEN: All right. Uh, I had to switch to the saws, awhile there, 'cause I cut through the torch, but I got her all set. She's pretty much– pretty much done now. Just got to cut, uh... cut down above the windows and then drop that whole roof down, and that's going to be my hood. Then I'm done. That's it. {looks at bus again} Well, no, I've got to hook up, uh... hook up the steering at the back and then... and then– and then the brake and the gas and the... and the clutch, standard, then the transmission and then the turn signals, get her safetied; that's a wrap.

''{Wipe to a later scene. The entire roof has been duct-taped onto the front of the bus-turned-cigarette car. The steering mechanism has been put at the very back. Red sits here, ready to drive this new creation.}''

RED GREEN: And there you have it, the world's first cigarette car! Is she a beauty or what? Not much on seating, but you can't beat her for leg room. Kinda looks like a Batmobile or something, doesn't it? I could be a superhero! {briefly hums the Batman theme} Nana-nana-nana-nana, BUS BOY! Well, let's take her for a spin before they tighten up the transportation laws.

''{Red turns on the cigarette car and throws it into gear. It starts to drive off. The camera focuses on the rear of the cigarette car, which has a sign reading "FREQUENT STOPS". Red looks out the window toward the camera.}''

RED GREEN: This isn't a streetcar named Desire, it's a bus called Horse! {honks the bus horn}

Midlife
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to you older guys out there for a sec. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to replace that lawn mower and even that electric drill that you bought when you started doing your own dental work. And you know, you're at the age where these are probably the last ones of those you're gonna buy for the rest of your life. Hmm? Think about how long you've had that drill, and how many years that mower ran for you, eh? So what you're buying now are not power tools, they're future heirlooms. So if you want to be remembered as a great guy, get the best, huh? Don't just get an electric drill. Treat yourself to a variable speed cordless with the extra battery. And don't just get a lawn mower. Get a lawn tractor with the padded seat and the drink holder. Maybe even emboss your name across the front there, eh? {chuckles} Don't worry about the price. It's not your money, it's their inheritance! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 5
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Ah,resources has announcedl

that anyone catching fish

and then releasing them back

into the waters of possum lake

will be charged with

cruelty to animals.

Good to know.

Harold,

did aunt bernice say

anything to you about

going anywhere?

She's not at home.

I was just wondering.

No, not to me,

you know.

I mean, why would she

say anything to me?

Weren't you home last night?

Yeah, I was home, harold.

Did you have dinner

at home last night?

Of course

I did, harold.

Was aunt bernice

there then?

Yeah, yeah, she was home.

She made me turn the t.V. Off.

Well, did she say

anything at that time?

Yeah, yeah.

You know what? She was

talking about bosnia.

No, no, that was the

lady on the radio.

I'm not sure.

You don't even

know what's going on

around you, do you?

What was her day like?

What was she wearing?

Aunt bernice is supposed

to be the woman you love,

and you don't even know what

happened at the dinner

table last night.

Well, thank you, geraldo.

Well, as a matter of fact,

I do know what went on, okay?

We had stuffed pork chops;

we had baked potatoes, loaded;

we had candied carrots,

and we had apple pie

for dessert.

Uncle red, I'm talking about

what you remember in your

heart and your mind,

not just in

your stomach.

We all know that

has total recall.

it's time to play the

possum lodge word game,

and this week, we're playing

for fantastic prizes.

Mr. Dougie franklin has

an opportunity to win

a five-piece bedroom set which

includes a bedroll, a bedpan

and three magazines.

Okay. Uncle red --

uncle red has 30 seconds to

get  mr. Dougie franklin

to say this word --

cover your ears --

manners.

Manners.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

30 seconds, and go.

All right, dougie,

women like a

man who has...

A quiet

exhaust system.

No, no, no, no, no.

When a man is polite around

women, that's a sign  of...

Desperation.

Okay, okay, dougie, you have a

person who belches and picks

their teeth at the table...

Mom!

Let me finish here.

Sorry.

When someone belches at the

table, that's a sign  of bad ...

Burritos.

You're almost out

of time, uncle red.

All right dougie, when you belch

at the table, your mom says

mind your...

Spray.

Oh, disgusting.

Well, only if you

hit somebody.

Come on,

I got manners.

(frantic bell ringing)

Well, I'll tell you

one thing about men...

Once you get our attention,

there's no stopping us.

You say that like

it's a good thing.

Oh, it is, harold.

I mean, ever since flinty's

wife made a run for it,

a bunch of us lodge members

got talking and -- maybe --

hey, maybe we're taking

our wives for granted.

And we decided to have

a special lodge weekend,

have all the wives come up and

just do whatever they want.

What they will

want to do is leave.

I don't

think so, harold.

You know what I think?

I think they're going

to want to go fishing.

Why? They never did before.

You wanna

know why?

Because we never let them

decide what kind of fish

to fish for, see?

That's all

changed now.

We're sensitive now.

We're new men.

Well, then, you're

gonna need new fish

because there's none

in possum lake.

See, it's not

about fishing.

No?

Just sitting in the boat talking

about whatever they want

to talk about...

Cars, t.V. Shows, family.

I hope it's not

about family.

Don't worry, I think they'll

just want to talk about leaving.

No, harold.

No, no.

We're turning all our cabins

into honeymoon suites, harold.

It'll be fantas --

look at this,

I've got christmas lights,

all red bulbs.

And I'm putting these

curtains over the windows.

They're romantic and

cheaper than glass.

Why don't you just take aunt

bernice to a nice hotel?

Oh, harold, hotels don't

have what possum lodge has.

I know. If they did,

they'd be condemned.

All right. This here is kind

of the antique roadkill

show kind of deal,

where lodge members bring

in something of value,

and we got dalton humphrey,

who's  kinda an expert on

curios, collectibles and crap,

tell them what it's worth.

Take it away, dalton.

Thank you, red.

And with me today here is

bush pilot, buzz sherwood.

H-e-e-e-y! How's

it going, humpster?

How's it hanging?

A little looser now, thank you.

Did you bring us

anything today, buzz?

Oh, yeah.

It's like one of those

wind spinny things.

You know, you get them on the

roof of the barn, right?

A weather vane!

Okay, okay.

Well, well.

Where did you get this?

I found it...

Stuck to the pontoons

on my plane.

Do you know who made this?

Yeah, I think it'

a guy named swen.

Sven?

No, not sven... Swen.

S-w-e-n,

swen.

No, you see, buzz,

these are directions,

like "n" for north,

east, south, west,

like the compass in your plane,

you know, if your

plane had one.

Oh, okay sure.

So what do you think

it's worth, man?

It's like a bundle?

No, no, no, no.

Not much, no, no.

'cause, you know, it's damaged.

So, you know, I would

just give it to me,

then I won't be inclined to

want to tell anyone about

your little incident,

like the airplane police.

Oh, sure, man.

That's cool.

Hey, do you want

to buy some laundry?

No, not really,

not unless it's my size.

Well, it probably is because

it was your clothesline.

Heigh-ho, welcome to the expert

portion of the show

where we explore those three

little words that men find

so hard to say...

Audience:  I don't know.

Okay, joining me and uncle red

on the expert portion of

the show this week is

mr. Winston rothschild of

the rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Thank you.

Where our motto is...

If your eyes are stinging,

my phone should be ringing.

Okay.

Today's letter reads...

"dear experts, every summer

and fall, my wife makes

fruit preserves,

"they're pretty

much inevitable,"

or does that say "inedible?"

they're either

inevitable or inedible.

Probably both, harold.

"how can I show her I really

appreciate her preserves

without eating any?"

okay, all right.

I find the fruit preserves

are kind of like neckties,

it's something you

get at christmas

from people who either don't

like you, or are too cheap

to buy you a real gift.

Exactly.

For instance,

I give my mom's preserves to

customers who haven't paid.

Oh, yeah. It sends

a real message.

Oh, and if they eat 'em,

generates a lot more business.

Winston, you better

hope your mom's

not watching.

This show?

Not a chance.

You know, another thing

with the preserves, you know,

you guys could be donating

them to, like, food banks.

Oh, come on, harold, those

people have enough problems.

See, no one said preserves

had to be eaten, eh?

And my mom's preserves

make great paint.

Oh, yeah. They are colourful,

and they stick to anything.

I use it to undercoat

the honey wagon.

I think you guys are

missing the point here

'cause the operative words that

this fellow writes are...

"how can I show her I really

appreciate her efforts?"

oh, right. Okay.

Well, I think, you know,

maybe, like, you know,

tell her the truth.

Maybe you just don't

like her preserves,

but, you know, credit her for

things that you do really

appreciate about her.

Well, that's

a good point

'cause, you know, chances are,

she's fairly attractive.

Well preserved!

Oh, right.

Yeah, I get it!

All right, he's got the

chain back together and the

handyman's secret chain repair.

There now, he's all set

to go, and away you go,

bill, way you go.

I am real excited

because I'm not doing it.

Look at that, eh?

Look at that.

Up he goes.

Wow! He's slipping a little,

but he's getting there.

Third floor, lady's lingerie,

weird guys on kids' bikes.

They've got the whole

range in this store.

And when he wants to stop

all he's got to do is

jam on the breaks.

Jam 'em on.

Jam 'em on.

Jam 'em on.

Jam 'em on.

There, the chain broke.

Chain broke.

Chain broke.

Chain broke.

Going down.

Oh, boy.

Are you okay there, bill?

Now, you know, ultimately,

in the elevator business,

it's not the ups

and downs that get you,

it's the jerks.

The guys are all fixing up their

cabins for the wives coming up.

It's really starting to heat up.

We're actually making a little

competition out of it,

seeing who can be the most

thoughtful to their wife,

we're going to have a married

man of the year award,

and I got a real

good shot at it.

You should see my cabin.

Looks like something out of

architectural digest.

Or, architectural

indigest.

Oh, come on, now, harold,

it's unbelievable.

I threw twinkle lights

up over the rhino head.

Oh, yeah.

I got a couple of lamps that

actually have shades,

and since bernice

and I don't smoke,

I'm turning the ashtrays

into snack bowls.

Well, you're going to have to go

some to beat buster hadfield.

Yeah, he's got like shag

carpeting and covered

organ speakers

and a lawn jockey

that holds incense.

Yeah.

He's got the whole cabin

done up, like, in that

zebra-striped fun fur stuff.

Gee, looks so cool.

Looks like the inside of

siegfried and roy's

dressing room.

See, now, that's

too much, harold.

See, women don't go for that,

especially married women.

They like the subtlety.

That's why I've got just a

single rose in a shot glass

on that old hall stand

made out of a cow's leg.

You know, harold, I've got a

real cozy fire going in there.

Your cabin doesn't

have a fireplace.

Well, I'm being careful.

You know, aunt bernice

likes that singer,

that jewleo icicles guy?

Julio iglesias?

What did I say?

All right. Well, okay, I'm

thinking I can get a poster,

maybe a couple

of his tapes.

No, no, just be

yourself, uncle red.

Yeah, be the man that

aunt bernice married

or, you know, that she

thought she married,

or that she wishes

she married.

Actually, you're right.

Be the other guy.

Go for the other guy.

Does aunt bernice know you're

preparing this love nest?

Actually, I was just going

to give her a call now,

unless you think maybe

I should make it a surprise.

What do you think?

Well, if you want her to come,

you're definitely going to

have to make it a surprise.

This is the repair shop

part of the show we call,

if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

My buddy edgar montrose, here,

has brought in something

for us to fix.

What have you

got there, edgar?

Oh, hi, red.

I'm fine.

Thank you.

Oh, today I brought in this

steering wheel from my car.

Wow, had a bit of

a car accident, did ya?

Yep, and that's the bit

of the car that's left.

What happened to

the other car?

What other car?

No, no, I mean the --

oh, oh. No, it was

just my car, red.

You see, I was experimenting

with alternative energies.

I was trying to harness

the energy of the sun.

That's unusual.

Solar power's usually

pretty safe.

Not solar power,

nuclear fusion.

You see, I was  reading

somewhere that the centre of

the sun is millions of degrees

and the pressure is so great

that it just forces hydrogen

atoms together, fuses them.

That's where you get

your energy from.

So you were trying to recreate

the centre of the sun

in your garage?

Well, that was the theory.

I didn't have any hydrogen,

so I had to use dynamite.

The hardest thing was forcing

them sticks down into

the gas tank.

So did you get her up to the

millions of degrees in there,

do you think?

I dunno.

My thermometer only went up to

130, and then it just went.

You know, I don't think

I got it quite right.

'cause it was a lot

brighter than the sun

and a lot louder.

Well, there you go, edgar.

Back to the drawing board.

Oh, no, my drawing board got

blown half way to port asbestos.

Well, harold, it's

just not fair.

I mean, the rules of

the contest were set out

right from the beginning.

Well, I don't know,

uncle red.

These days you have to

accommodate alternative

lifestyles.

Everybody wants to take part

in this married man of the

year competition,

even the guys

that are single.

Old man sedgewick and moose

thompson want to marry each

other just for the contest.

Yeah, but, you know, they're

going to get the marriage

annulled on Monday.

Not according to

old man sedgewick.

He says he wants

to have a family.

It doesn't matter, I'm all set.

I've got my cabin

all ready for the judges.

I got the lighting,

I got the music.

As soon as I figure out what

kind of wine goes with

licorice, I'm done.

(possum call)

meeting time, uncle red.

Yeah, you go ahead, harold.

I'll be down in a minute.

There you go then.

And, bernice, if you're watching

this, I'm going to come home

straight after the meeting,

I'm going to just pick you up

and bring you up to the lodge.

I've got a big surprise waiting

for you in the cabin.

Don't get excited,

it's only decorations.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself, harold

and the whole gang up here

at the lodge,

you keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

[captions performed by

caption resource center]

harold:  Everyone

take you seats!

All rise.

Everyone:

Quando omni

flunkus moritati.

Red:  Sit down.

Harold:  Okay, we only got

the one announcement tonight.

Well, it seems that someone has

stolen all of the stuff out

of my cabin

and replaced it with

a bunch of junk furniture.

Now, I'm talkin' about, like,

my video games are missing

and my thigh master

and my retainer.

Now, you can keep the chia pet.

That's okay.

But I want everything else

returned to cabin 42

immediately.

Red:  Harold,

you're in cabin 43.

Harold:  Okay, so there's

no announcements tonight.