Let Me Count The Ways/Transcript

The complete transcript for Let Me Count The Ways

Intro
''{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! Haw! And now, here's a man who just doesn't flirt with disaster, he buys her a drink, your host, your hero, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

''{The front door of the lodge opens and Red enters, waving to the cheering audience. Harold plays his switcher, causing the phrase "RED GREEN RULES" to fly out, one word at a time.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Bit of disappointment up at the lodge this week. Uh, we had our annual "Man of the Year" award, which I kind of had my eye on there, but Flinty McClintock won it, and I come in second.

HAROLD GREEN: What did you win the award for? Most fermented beverages consumed at an indoor event? {laughs}

RED GREEN: No, Harold, this is an award for spending a lot of time up here.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red} Wow, I'm really surprised that Flinty beat you. I mean, you spend a lot of time here at the lodge, you know, doing... being here.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, Flinty was here 364 days last year.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow, that's every day but Christmas, I guess?

RED GREEN: {scratching cheek} Well, no, he was– he was here on Christmas, but his brandy stuffing exploded, and he spent 24 hours in the top of a tree, and the judges wouldn't let him count it.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, really? You kidding?

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: You know, actually, I'm kind of glad that Flinty won, you know. Maybe it will make up for the fact that his wife left him today.

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Yes! He doesn't even know yet. I guess he doesn't spend much time at home.

RED GREEN: Well, that's not very supportive. The guy wins Man of the Year, and she's not even there to congratulate him?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, what do you... Come on, what do you expect? He ignored her for over a year! {giggles} There's a lesson to be learned in there, Uncle Red. Haw! Flinty was first to lose his wife, but maybe you'll come in second.

RED GREEN: Oh, don't be crazy, Harold. Maybe I'll just, uh, go give Bernice a phone call, eh? {turns to leave, walking slowly, then stops and turns back to Harold} Harold? Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: 928–

RED GREEN: {interrupting, waving} Yeah, okay, okay. {leaves}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Red, who has cut up a city bus to make into a cigarette car.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Kind of a wingding of an episode this time around. A lot of engineering involved in this show.

''{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game, where Dougie has to say "Manners". He succeeds, and Red rings the bell to end the game.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I mean, we've got the other stuff, too, which is pretty much filler, I guess, you'd call it. But there's a lot of really good engineering...

{Cut to Bill, who is trying to lift himself off the ground with a bicycle.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and physical stuff, so stay tuned and learn.

Plot Segment 2
{Harold stands in the lodge, reading from a clipboard.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, the Ministry of Natural Resources has announced that anyone catching fish and then releasing them back into the waters of Possum Lake will be charged with cruelty to animals. {looks up} Good to know.

{Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Uh, Harold, did, uh, Aunt Bernice say anything to you about going anywhere? I mean, she's not– she's not at home. I was just wondering.

HAROLD GREEN: No, not to me.

RED GREEN: All right.

HAROLD GREEN: I mean, why would she say anything to me? Weren't you home last night?

RED GREEN: Yeah, I was home, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Did you have dinner at home last night?

RED GREEN: {annoyed} Of course I did, Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: Was Aunt Bernice there then?

''{Red suddenly stops and looks up in awkward confusion. The audience laughs.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, she was home. She made me turn the TV off.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, did she say anything at that time?

''{Another awkward pause. Harold sways his head in annoyance.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah. You know what? {points to Harold} She was talking about Bosnia. No, no, that was the lady on the radio. {strokes beard} I'm not sure.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh! You don't even know what's going on around you, do you? What was her day like? What was she wearing? Haw! Aunt Bernice is supposed to be the woman you love, and you don't even know what happened at the dinner table last night!

RED GREEN: Well, thank you, Geraldo. But as a matter of fact, I do know what went on, okay? We had stuffed pork chops; we had baked potatoes, loaded; we had candied carrots, and we had apple pie for dessert.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, I'm talking about what you remember in your heart and your mind, not just in your stomach. We all know that has total recall. {giggles}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * We love the words that weddings bring:
 * Love and honor and a beautiful ring,
 * Brides and grooms, maids and men,
 * Mum and dad, Barbie and Ken.
 * But one thing's true both near and far:
 * Two words that should never join are "cash" and "bar".

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game!

{The camera pulls back to reveal Red and Dougie sitting at the card table.}

HAROLD GREEN: And this week, we're playing for a fantastic prize: Mr. Dougie Franklin has an opportunity to win a five-piece bedroom set, which includes a bedroll, a bedpan and three magazines. Okay. {Red shakes his head} Uncle Red– Uncle Red has thirty seconds to get Mr. Dougie Franklin to say this word... {to Dougie} Cover your ears...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: All right...

''{Dougie covers his ears, while Harold, giggling, takes out the word sign. He turns it around to show the audience.}''

HAROLD GREEN: "Manners". "Manners".

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

{Harold sets the sign down and steps back.}

HAROLD GREEN: Thirty seconds, and go!

{Dougie uncovers his ears.}

RED GREEN: All right, Dougie, women like a man who has...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: A quiet exhaust system.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no. Um... When– When a man is polite around women, that's a sign of...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Desperation.

RED GREEN: No. Okay, okay, Dougie, you got a person who belches and picks their teeth at the table–

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {interrupting} Mom!

RED GREEN: No, let me finish here.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Sorry.

RED GREEN: When someone belches at the table, that's a sign of bad...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Burritos.

HAROLD GREEN: You're almost out of time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: All right Dougie, when you belch at the table, your mum says, "Mind your..."

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: "...spray."

RED GREEN: Oh!

{Red and Harold recoil in disgust at Dougie's choice of words.}

HAROLD GREEN: That's gross!

RED GREEN: That's disgusting!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Oh, only if you hit somebody! Come on, I got manners.

RED GREEN: Oh!

''{Red leans forward to rapidly ring the bell on the table to end the game. He then gives Dougie a high-five.}''

Handyman Corner
{Red walks along a field outside the lodge.}

RED GREEN: You know, this current recycling craze has made me feel a bit guilty about all those years I never recycled anything except beer and my own cooking. {walks up to Handyman Corner sign} So this week on Handyman Corner, I'm taking on a major recycling project. Now, I know you're supposed to separate out your pop cans and your newspapers and your plastics, but that's pretty wussy, small potatoes if you ask me. {rubs hands together} I wanna do something that's a little more impressive. I'm gonna do something big. I'm thinkin'...

''{Red walks up to a city bus parked in the field. Next to it is an acetylene torch. He laughs as he taps the bus.}''

RED GREEN: How about a city bus? Eh? Take a look at that! How many pop cans is this one worth? I got this unit for fifty bucks. Fifty bucks! I mean, oh, yeah, a lot of parts are missing, and it doesn't run too good, but fifty bucks? Boy, our society's values are all screwed up! {laughs} Now, you could make anything out of this. You could make a... {looks up at bus} Well, you're really only limited by your own imagination. {walks up to acetylene torch} Now, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna turn this thing into a cigarette car! Now, you know how they've got the cigarette boats {talks torch hose} where the driver sits at the very back and then the hood {reaches hand out} goes waaaay out in front of him? I'm gonna make the version of that for the road! Yeah, I've already got the backseat to drive from, and I've got the big, long hood... {looks down at bus} except right now it's a roof!

''{A montage begins as Red puts on some protective eyewear and takes the acetylene torch to the bus. He starts cutting up the bus with it. Later, he is seen cutting through the roof with the torch. Finally, he finishes cutting up the bus with a circular saw and is wearing bigger goggles for protection. The top of the bus has been cut off and is suspended in midair by a crane. The windows have been removed, too, along with the steering mechanism, all of which lie on the ground. He turns off the saw and turns to the camera, wiping his hands together as he does so.}''

RED GREEN: All right. Uh, I had to switch to the saws, awhile there, 'cause I cut through the torch, but I got her all set. She's pretty much– pretty much done now. Just got to cut, uh... cut down above the windows and then drop that whole roof down, and that's going to be my hood. Then I'm done. That's it. {looks at bus again} Well, no, I've got to hook up, uh... hook up the steering at the back and then... and then– and then the brake and the gas and the... and the clutch, standard, then the transmission and then the turn signals, get her safetied; that's a wrap.

''{Wipe to a later scene. The entire roof has been duct-taped onto the front of the bus-turned-cigarette car. The steering mechanism has been put at the very back. Red sits here, ready to drive this new creation.}''

RED GREEN: And there you have it, the world's first cigarette car! Is she a beauty or what? Not much on seating, but you can't beat her for leg room. Kinda looks like a Batmobile or something, doesn't it? I could be a superhero! {briefly hums the Batman theme} Nana-nana-nana-nana, BUS BOY! Well, let's take her for a spin before they tighten up the transportation laws.

''{Red turns on the cigarette car and throws it into gear. It starts to drive off. The camera focuses on the rear of the cigarette car, which has a sign reading "FREQUENT STOPS". Red looks out the window toward the camera.}''

RED GREEN: This isn't a streetcar named Desire, it's a bus called Horse! {honks the bus horn}

Midlife
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to you older guys out there for a sec. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to replace that lawn mower and even that electric drill that you bought when you started doing your own dental work. And you know, you're at the age where these are probably the last ones of those you're gonna buy for the rest of your life. Hmm? Think about how long you've had that drill, and how many years that mower ran for you, eh? So what you're buying now are not power tools, they're future heirlooms. So if you want to be remembered as a great guy, get the best, huh? Don't just get an electric drill. Treat yourself to a variable speed cordless with the extra battery. And don't just get a lawn mower. Get a lawn tractor with the padded seat and the drink holder. Maybe even emboss your name across the front there, eh? {chuckles} Don't worry about the price. It's not your money, it's their inheritance! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{While Harold tunes his switcher, Red enters the lodge, holding a curtain on a rod in one hand and some Christmas lights wrapped around his shoulder.}

RED GREEN: Well, I'll tell you one thing about men: once you get our attention, there's no stopping us.

HAROLD GREEN: You say that like it's a good thing.

RED GREEN: Oh, it is, Harold. I mean, ever since Flinty's wife made a run for it, a bunch of us lodge members got talking and, maybe, hey, maybe we're taking our wives for granted a little bit, and we decided to have a special lodge weekend, have all the wives come up, and just do whatever they want.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha! {walks up to Red} What they will want to do is leave.

RED GREEN: No...

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah!

RED GREEN: I don't think so, Harold. You know what I think? I think they're going to want to go fishing.

HAROLD GREEN: Why? They never did before.

RED GREEN: Well, you know why? Because we never let them decide what kind of fish to fish for, see? That's all changed now. We're sensitive now. We're new men.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, then, you're gonna need new fish because there's none in Possum Lake.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} See, it's not about fishing, all right?

HAROLD GREEN: No?

RED GREEN: Just sitting in the boat talkin about whatever they want to talk about: cars, TV shows, family. I hope it's not about family.

HAROLD GREEN: Don't worry, I think they'll just want to talk about leaving.

RED GREEN: No, Harold. No, no. We're turning all our cabins into honeymoon suites, Harold. It'll be fantas– Look at this, I've got Christmas lights, all red bulbs, see? {holds up curtain} And I'm putting these curtains over the windows. They're romantic and cheaper than glass.

HAROLD GREEN: Why don't you just take Aunt Bernice to a nice hotel?

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, hotels don't have what Possum Lodge has, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: I know. If they did, they'd be condemned.

Antiques Appraisal
{In another area of the lodge, Red stands in front of a table that Dalton and Buzz are seated at.}

RED GREEN: All right, this here is kind of the Antique Roadkill Show kind of deal, where lodge members bring in something of value, and we got Dalton Humphrey, who's kind of an expert on curios, collectibles and crap, tell them what it's worth. Take it away, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Thank you, Red. And with me today here is bush pilot, Buzz Sherwood. Hey, Buzz.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Heeey! How's it going, Humphster? {playfully punches Dalton on the shoulder and laughs maniacally; Dalton winces in pain} How's it hanging?

DALTON HUMPHREY: A little looser now, thank you. Did you bring us any– Did you bring us anything today, Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, yeah. {makes a spinning motion with his hand} It's like one of those wind spinny things. {Dalton stares} You know, you get them on the roof of the barn, right?

{Buzz takes out what he's describing: a weathervane with a rooster on it, which is bent in the middle.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, a weathervane!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Okay, okay.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {taking weathervane} Well, well. Where did you get this?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Uh, I found it... um, stuck to the pontoons on my plane.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You– Do you, uh... You know who made this?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Uh, yeah, I think it's a guy named Swen.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sven?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: No, not Sven... Swen. {points to the letters on the weathervane} S-W-E-N, Swen.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, you see, Buzz, these are directions, {points to letters} like "N" for "North", "East", "South", "West", like the compass in your plane, you know. {Buzz stares} If your plane had one.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, okay, sure. So, what do you think it's worth, man? Is it like a bundle?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no, no, no. Not much, no, no. It's 'cause, well, you know, it's damaged. So, you know, I would just give it to me, {pulls weathervane away} and then I won't be inclined to want to tell anyone about your little incident, you know, like the airplane police.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, sure, man. That's cool. Oh, hey, you want to buy some laundry?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, not really, no, not unless it's my size.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Well, it probably is, 'cause it was your clothesline.

{Buzz laughs maniacally while Dalton stares in confusion.}

The Experts
HAROLD GREEN: Hey-ho! Welcome to the Expert portion of the show, where we explore those three little words that men find so hard to say...

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, joining me and Uncle Red on the Expert portion of the show this week is Mr. Winston Rothschild of the Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Thank you. Where our motto is: "If your eyes are stingin', my phone should be ringin'."

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. ''Haw! {looks at letter} Today's letter reads, um: {reads letter}'' "Dear Experts, every summer and fall, my wife makes fruit preserves. They're pretty much inevitable." {looks at letter closely} Or does that say "inedible"? They're either "inevitable" or "inedible".

RED GREEN: Probably both, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {continues reading} "How can I show her I really appreciate her preserves without eating any?"

RED GREEN: Okay, all right. I find the fruit preserves are kind of like neckties: it's something you get at Christmas from people who either don't like you or are too cheap to buy you a real gift.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Exactly.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Like, for instance, I give my mum's preserves to, uh, customers who haven't paid. {Red nods} Oh, yeah, it sends a real message.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, and if they eat 'em, generates a lot more business!

RED GREEN: {laughs} Boy, Winston, you better hope your mum's not watching.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: This show? Not a chance.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} That's a good one! Boy! You know what? Another thing, though, with the preserves is, you know, you guys could be donating them to, like, food banks.

RED GREEN: Oh, come on, Harold, those people have enough problems, don't they? {shakes head}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: See, no one said that, uh, preserves had to be eaten, eh? And my mum's preserves make great paint. Oh, yeah, they are colorful and they stick to anything. I use it to undercoat the honey wagon.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

HAROLD GREEN: I think you guys are missing the point here, 'cause the operative words that this fellow writes are, {looks at letter again} "How can I show her I really appreciate her efforts?"

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, right. Okay. {pauses awkwardly}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I think, you know, maybe, like, you know, tell her the truth. Maybe you just don't like her preserves, but, you know, credit her for things that you do really appreciate about her.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, that's a good point, 'cause, you know, chances are, she's fairly attractive.

RED GREEN: Well-preserved! {slaps Harold on the knee as he and Winston laugh} Huh? Huh?

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly getting it} Oh, right. Yeah, I get it!

Plot Segment 4
{As Harold tunes his switcher, Red enters the lodge, holding a box full of items.}

RED GREEN: Man, the guys all fixing up their cabins for the wives coming up is really starting to heat up. We're actually making a little competition out of it, seeing who can be the most thoughtful to their wife. We're going to have a married man of the year award, and I got a real good shot at it. You should see my cabin. Looks like something out of Architectural Digest.

HAROLD GREEN: Or, Architectural Indigest. {laughs}

RED GREEN: Oh, come on, now, Harold, it's unbelievable. I threw twinkle lights up over the rhino head. I got a... Oh, yeah. I got a couple of lamps that actually have shades. And since Bernice and I don't smoke, I'm turning the ashtrays into snack bowls.

HAROLD GREEN: {walks up close to Red} Well, you're going to have to go some to beat Buster Hadfield. Haw! Yeah, he's got like Shag carpeting and covered organ speakers and a lawn jockey that holds incense. Yeah. He's got the whole cabin done up, like, y'know, in that zebra-striped fun fur stuff. Haw! Yeah! Looks so cool! Looks like the inside of Siegfried and Roy's dressing room. It's great!

RED GREEN: See, now, that's too much, Harold. See, women don't go for that, especially married women. They like the subtlety. That's why I've got just a single rose in a shot glass on that old hall stand made out of a cow's leg. And you know, Harold, I've got a real cozy fire going in there.

HAROLD GREEN: Your cabin doesn't have a fireplace.

RED GREEN: Well, I'm– I'm– I'm being careful. I'm being careful now, Harold. You know, uh... you know, Aunt Bernice likes that singer, that Julio Icicles guy?

HAROLD GREEN: Julio Iglesias?

RED GREEN: What did I say?

HAROLD GREEN: Haw.

RED GREEN: All right. Yeah, okay, well, I'm thinking, I can get a poster, maybe a couple of his tapes.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no! Just be yourself, Uncle Red. Yeah, be the man that Aunt Bernice married. Or, you know, that she thought she married. Or that she wishes she married, you know? Actually, you're right. Be the other guy. Go for the other guy. Does Aunt Bernice know you're preparing this love nest?

RED GREEN: No. Actually, I was just going to give her a call now, unless you think maybe I should make it a surprise. What do you think?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, if you want her to come, you're definitely going to have to make it a surprise.

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
{Red walks into the basement workshop, holding a roll of duct tape.}

RED GREEN: This is the repair shop part of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying". {walks up to a worktable where Edgar is} My buddy Edgar Montrose here has brought in something for us to fix. {to Edgar} What have you got there, Edgar?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, hi, Red. I'm fine, thank you. {holds up bent car steering wheel} Oh, today I brought in this steering wheel from my car.

RED GREEN: {takes steering wheel} Wow, had a bit of a car accident, did ya?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Yep, and that's the bit of the car that's left.

{With a chuckle, Red puts the steering wheel in a vice to straighten it out.}

RED GREEN: What happened to the other car?

EDGAR MONTROSE: {looks around} What other car?

RED GREEN: No, no, I mean the...

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, oh. No, it was just my car, Red. You see, I was experimenting with alternative energies. I was trying to harness the energy of the sun.

RED GREEN: Oh, gee, that's unusual. Solar power's usually pretty safe.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Not solar power, nuclear (pronounces it "nucular") fusion. You see, I was reading somewhere that the center of the sun is millions of degrees, and the pressure is so great that it just forces hydrogen atoms together. It fuses them! That's where you get your energy from.

RED GREEN: So you were trying to recreate the center of the sun in your garage?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, that was the theory. I didn't have any hydrogen, so I had to use dynamite. The hardest thing was {makes a prodding motion with his hands} forcing them sticks down into the gas tank.

{Red finally straightens out the steering wheel in the vice.}

RED GREEN: So did you get her up to the millions of degrees in there, do you think?

EDGAR MONTROSE: I don't know. My thermometer only went up to 130, and then it just went! {throws arms up; Red nods} You know, I don't think I got it quite right, 'cause it was a lot brighter than the sun. And a lot louder.

''{Red nods and takes the now-fixed steering wheel out of the vice. He then gives it back to Edgar.}''

RED GREEN: Well, there you go, Edgar. {Edgar takes steering wheel} Back to the drawing board.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, no, my drawing board got blown half way to Port Asbestos.

RED GREEN: {nods} All right. {waves and leaves}

Plot Segment 5
{Red and Harold enter the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, this is just not fair. I mean, the rules of the contest were set out right from the beginning.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I don't know, Uncle Red. These days, you have to accommodate alternative lifestyles.

RED GREEN: Man, everybody– everybody wants to take part in this married man of the year competition, even the guys who are single. Old Man Sedgewick and Moose Thompson want to marry each other just for the contest.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but, you know, they're going to get the marriage annulled on Monday.

RED GREEN: Not according to Old Man Sedgewick. And he says he wants to have a family. But it doesn't matter. I'm all set. I've got my cabin all ready for the judges. I got the lighting, I got the music. As soon as I figure out what kind of wine goes with licorice, I'm done.

{Suddenly, the "Squeal of the Possum" is heard.}

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. I'll be down in a minute, all right?

HAROLD GREEN: Absolutely.

RED GREEN: There you go then.

''{Harold turns and runs down the basement stairs. Red turns to the camera.}''

RED GREEN: And, uh, Bernice, if you're watching there, I'm going to come home straight after the meeting. I'm gonna just pick you up, bring you right back up to the lodge; I've got a big surprise for you in my cabin. Don't get excited, it's only decorations. {to audience} And to the rest of you, thanks for watching, and on behalf of myself, Harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, {waves} you keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red heads down the basement stairs. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold is at the front of the meeting, with everyone standing up. Red comes down the stairs. Harold sees him.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Oh! Take your seats, everybody! Sit down! Sit down, it's imperative.

{Everyone sits down as Red takes his place at the front of the meeting.}

HAROLD GREEN: All rise.

{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando omni flunkus moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down.

{Everyone except Harold sits back down.}

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at a clipboard in his hands} Okay, uh, we only got the one announcement tonight. Um, well, it seems that someone has stolen all of the stuff out of my cabin and replaced it with a bunch of junk furniture. Now, y'know, I'm talkin' about, like, my video games are missing, and my ThighMaster and my retainer. Now, I want– you can keep the Chia Pet, that's okay. But I want everything else returned to cabin 42 immediately!

RED GREEN: Harold, you're in cabin 43.

{Harold stares at his uncle in awkward confusion, then stares at his clipboard.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, so there's no announcements tonight.