It's A Wonderful Red Green Christmas/Transcript

Opening Scene
''{A message reads, "With thanks to CBC North and the people of Yellowknife, NWT". Then the camera fades in on Red, dressed in a jacket, snow boots and wearing skunk-pelt mittens. He shuffles into the scene holding a huge bundle of Christmas-themed lawn ornaments in his arms.}''

RED GREEN: You know, every year, I– I put these decorations out on the lawn at Christmas. This time, I thought I'd be a little more ambitious!

''{Red walks a few more inches, then slips and falls off the roof he was standing on. The ornaments all come crashing down on top of him.}''

Intro
{The Lodge is decorated for Christmas.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's a Wonderful Red Green Christmas! And now, here he is, of course, it's the guy who comes up your roof, my uncle, your host and hero, Red Green!

{Red enters the Lodge wearing a jacket and waves to the audience.}

HAROLD GREEN: All right! That's good!

RED GREEN: Thank you very, very much. Appreciate it, in all the best of the holiday season, to each and every one of you. This is our very first Christmas special. I'd like to apologize, first of all, for being so crass as to take advantage of the whole Christmas thing, and I'd also like to apologize for taking so darn long to think of it!

HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, I really don't think you have to apologize for being insensitive. People have come to expect that of you by now.

RED GREEN: {pointing out Harold} I'm sure you know my nephew, Harold, or as his parents call him, the Ghost of Christmas Past.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} I just think it's so cool! It's so cool, we're getting like a Christmas special! It's so cool! Not a lot of outdoor shows get a Christmas special.

RED GREEN: No, that's right, no. You know, the sports network did a couple: "Trolling for Presents". And the other one was "Frosty the Cold One".

HAROLD GREEN: Well, we're not here to talk about other people's mistakes, we've got lots of our own to show!

RED GREEN: That's right, so you just sit back and lower your standards. You'll have a happier Christmas, and it'll make this a better show!

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today, Mr. Mike Hamar gets to play for the opportunity to go to France! {Mike makes excited gestures} Yes! All expenses are paid. {puts on a sign around his neck, reading "FRANCE"} All you have to do is stick out your thumb. {poses like a hitchhiker} Oh, I know what you're thinking, and yes, the return ticket is included. {flips the sign over to read "HOME", and poses again with his other thumb} All right. Mr. Hamar... {picks up word sign} Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Hamar to say this word...

''{Harold turns the sign around. It displays on it the word "Giving".}''

HAROLD GREEN: "Giving". "Giving".

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {setting sign down on table} Okay, go!

RED GREEN: Uh, all right, Mike, uh, this is something people do at Christmas.

MIKE HAMAR: Argue?

RED GREEN: No, no, no. This is a happy thing, and people do it till it hurts.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, eat!

RED GREEN: Okay. Mike, this is better than just getting...

MIKE HAMAR: Getting... away?

RED GREEN: Okay, you know, they have a saying: "Christmas is the season for..."

MIKE HAMAR: ...lighter sentences.

RED GREEN: Okay, Mike! Okay, Mike. You wrap something up and you give it to somebody. What's that called?

MIKE HAMAR: {ashamed} Selling narcotics.

HAROLD GREEN: No! And it's almost out of time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Uh... Oh, I know! I know! There's an expression, okay? "Love is the gift that keeps on..."

MIKE HAMAR: ...requiring medication? My cell mate proved that. He was a very giving person.

RED GREEN: There we go! {rings the bell rapidly while Mike cheers}

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying (Hap Shaughnessy)
{Red walks out into the Lodge basement holding a roll of duct tape.}

RED GREEN: This is the repair shop part of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying." {walks over to a bench with a jumbled pile of Christmas lights on it} Joining us today, we got Hap Shaughnessy. What do you got for us there, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, it's my Christmas lights, Red.

RED GREEN: {looking concerned} Oh, boy. Is this an untangle job, or is this... find-that-one-darn-bulb-that's-burned-out job? 'Cause they're both killers.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Nope, nothin'. {holds up a shredded wire in the pile} A rat chewed the plug off.

RED GREEN: {taking wire; amused} Hap, you don't know how to put a plug on a piece of wire? {starts reaching into the pile}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, but every time I try it, the rat bites. {Something bites Red's hand.}

RED GREEN: {pulling his hand back} Ow! {shakes and holds his hand} Oh. Aw, Hap! He's still in there, that's the main problem.

''{Red gingerly takes the pile of lights and moves it off the edge of the workbench. He shakes it over a trashcan under the workbench.}''

RED GREEN: {shaking the lights} Geez, he's really hanging on there. {shakes some more} You may have to do without Christmas lights, Hap.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, no, can't do that. Gotta hang the lights. I invented them.

RED GREEN: {looking puzzled} You invented Christmas lights?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yep. I only tried to save my platoon. On Christmas Day, we were surrounded, out of ammo, and our sergeant, Sergeant... Pepper... He wanted to surrender, but we were holed up in a light bulb factory, so I got this idea of stringing a whole lot of bulbs together and then plugging them in and out real quick. Flash, flash, flash! And from a distance, it looked as though that was the flash of rifles firing. So I kept flashing the lights, the Germans stayed away, and the very next day, General Montgomery decided to give me the Congressional Medal of Honor.

RED GREEN: Now, that's incredible, Hap. A Canadian soldier getting an American medal from a British general. {looks perplexed}

Arnie Dogan on Christmas
''{Arnie is playing a guitar with a splint on his middle finger. The camera slowly pans out to reveal Red blowing across the spout of a gas can and Harold clicking two spoons together.}''

ARNIE DOGAN: {singing}
 * My ma's in the kitchen
 * Butterin' the hog.
 * Dad is in the study
 * Feedin' brandy to the dog.

RED AND HAROLD: Dog.

ARNIE DOGAN:
 * Grandma and her boyfriend
 * Are sleepin' kinda late.
 * Auntie's in the pantry
 * Puttin' on some weight.
 * {brief pause, then loudly} I–

EVERYONE: {wildly}
 * I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
 * I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
 * I LOVE...{scene ends abruptly}

Handyman Corner
''{Red is standing in a lot with several vehicles and a camper in it. He closes the door to a small SUV with a flat tire and walks toward the camera.}''

RED GREEN: Christmas is a great family time, isn't it? Really brings the relatives together. What a shame that nobody gets on your nerves faster than your loved ones. Somebody says the wrong thing or looks at somebody the wrong way. Next thing you know, everybody's going home with an eye socket full of mashed potatoes. {walks around a boat on a trailer} You know the best way to avoid that? Get yourself a project that gets you out of the house. Y'know, a handyman's Christmas special. How about making a one-horse open sleight from a one-hundred-horse open K? {gestures to a nearby car} K-car, that is. Y'know, the open sleigh was really a pioneer version of the convertible. So the first step is to get the roof right off the unit. Actually, I did that using my garage door.

''{Cut to a shot above the car. The entire top of the car has been sheared off and is sitting behind the car. The garage door behind it is open at about the same height and is visibly damaged.}''

RED GREEN: {opening the driver's door} Alright now, we're gonna put an old-fashioned high open sleigh driver's seat into this unit, so all I gotta do is, first of all, get the old seat outta there!

{Red starts pulling the seat out of the car, eventually tossing it aside}

RED GREEN: There we go. {looks down at the floor} Oh, uh, looks like some of the floor came up with the seat, there. {The camera points at a large hole under the steering wheel} That, no, that's a good thing, because we can see right down through the floor when we're driving. That's always handy. Y'know, if you run over somebody, you get a chance to apologize to them as they go by the hole.

{Red carries a tall bar chair to the car}

RED GREEN: We don't actually have any antique sleigh seats, but we do have a lot of tall bar stools. {sets the chair down in the car} The trick is finding an empty one! Especially this time of year. So I'm gonna stick the stool behind the hole, and I'm gonna snug her down there with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Wipe to a later scene. The bar stool has been attached firmly to the floor and the rear seat with several long strips of duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: Y'know, the K-car was never actually built for speed, but this unit has a few more ponies under the hood than we need for our sleigh. {walks around to the front of the car and lifts the hood} What we want is just to have a one-horse unit, so I think I'm gonna have to unharness a few. {pulls off a spark plug wire} A one-horse, {pulls a second wire} one-cylinder, {pulls a third wire, leaving just one attached} open sleigh. {laughs and shuts the hood} Gosh, I hope I'm using one of the culinders that still works.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is trying to light an acetylene torch.}''

RED GREEN: Of course, the kids are going to be bugging you. Y'know, "Where's the horse? Where's the horse?" And rather than make up some dumb politically correct story about some Christmas horse that goes off to university to avoid a life of manual labor, instead of that, we're gonna make a horse. {points to the top of the car, which is now leaning up against the garage door} Out of what's left of the roof. Should be a snap to cut a horse shape out of that.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red puts away the torch. Behind him, the car roof is now has a crude horse-shaped cutout in it.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, this turned out great. Look at this thing! {laughs and pulls the horse cutout out of the roof} Oh, baby, yeah! Oh, man, that's fantastic! {laughs some more}

''{The remains of the roof fall forward, revealing an identical outline that has been burned into the garage door. Red comes back to look at the door.}''

RED GREEN: Y'know, if I'd set the torch a little hotter, I could have cut out two horses. {takes the cutout to the front of the car, sets it down on the hood and picks up a pneumatic router} All right, now, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna cut a groove into the hood of the K-car so that I can mount the horse in there good and solid.

''{Red starts cutting through the hood. A moment later, the radiator springs a leak and starts shooting coolant off to one side. Red hesitates, then leaves the tool running as he runs away. Wipe to a later scene. Red has mounted the horse cutout to the hood and attached a rope to it. He is tying the ends of the rope to the steering wheel. The engine is running, and Red is now wearing a Santa hat over his usual hat.}''

RED GREEN: Now these are obviously the reins here, which I'm gonna use to steer the unit. I gotta run them through the steering wheel so when I wanna turn, I just pull on the rein, and the steering wheel... It won't be a sharp turn, but I'm guessing people will get out of the way. {climbs up into the bar stool and closes the door} All right, now, what I've done is I cranked the idling way up on her there so I don't have to go near the gas pedal at all. {picks up an odd device made from a radio antenna} And I'm gonna use a riding crop to change gears. Well, it's not a real riding crop, this is a radio aerial, but it's a power unit. Look at this. {operates the device, extending and collapsing the antenna, chuckling} Huh? Isn't that beautiful? Actually, I wanted a real riding crop. I went into the store, I says to the guy, "Are the crops in?" Wouldn't even serve me! All right, so– Oh, I know! One other feature I've added to this thing: I added a couple of those little fake poly– uh, foam, polystyrene, plastic candy canes, I got 'em hanging down by the wheels. They look like runners, huh? Of course, now those are just fake runners, because right now, we're mainly going for looks. And I'll bet we get a few. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {gestures to the fake horse} On Donner! On Blitzen! On Aries!

''{Red starts whacking the hood with his "riding crop", then tosses it away and grabs at the gear shift, turning the turn signal on accidentally as the car starts moving forward. He struggles with the ropes as the car passes by the camera.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older guys about telling the truth. The truth about Santa. You know, some na&iuml;ve kid is going to ask you if you believe in Santa? Well, you gotta look him straight in the eye and say, "Yes, Harold." Of course you believe in Santa. What's not to believe? Y'know, Santa's a pretty normal, average guy. Spends 99% of his time squirreled away in his workshop, making stuff that's only good enough to give away. I know lots of guys like that. He's got all these little helpers that do all the work? We all have those. Then every Christmas, he loads up way too many gifts and drives all over Kingdom Come delivering them. That sound familiar to you at all? And everywhere he goes, he expects some snacks and a drink? So do I! And when it comes to the choice of doing things the easy way or the hard way, he chooses the hard way every time. Door versus chimney, need I say more? Hey, he's just one of us, eh? Plus he's fat, he's balding and he wears his long red underwear. That sounds like half the Lodge to me! So when a kid asks you if there's a Santa Claus, say "Heck, yeah! There's probably a couple in your own family!" Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Harold On Christmas
HAROLD GREEN: You know what I hate about Christmastime even more than fruitcake? {pauses} Nothing. I hate fruitcake. I can't-- It gets stuck in your teeth. You know, like... {makes faces} Well, it's like Groundhog Day or something. But a close second– a close second would be, like, waiting for Christmas Day to come, right? 'Cause I love Christmas, {frustrated, jumping up and down} and it TAKES SO LOOONG! Like, for instance, I wish like today was tomorrow, because that would be, like, one day closer to Christmas, but, y'know, it's not gonna happen, 'cause I gotta wait for today to end, and that's gonna be tomorrow sometime, so I've missed it. So what you gotta do is effectively come up with ways to kill time prior to Christmas actually arriving.

{Harold picks up a long chain made out of red and green construction paper.}

HAROLD GREEN: So each year, what I do is, each year, I create a red and green... {stops suddenly; laughs} Red and green, I said! I didn't even notice that before! That's so cool! {picks up one end of the chain, which has a cartoony reindeer head on it} What I do is this... a red and green, paper chain, reindeer, days left, wall-mounted calendar. And all you have to do is, every day that gets closer to Christmas, you just, y'know, tear off a link. {tears off a link at the other end of the chain} La-la, like that. You see? And now you've effectively killed, like, two seconds, right? It's gone, two seconds. Where'd it go? I don't know, it's gone. So now, all I gotta do is wait, like, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 58 seconds before I can tear off another one, kill some more time. {tears off another link} Just tear it right off like that.

{Harold pauses, looking alarmed.}

HAROLD GREEN: I tore off tomorrow. {pauses again, then frustrated} I'm gonna have NOTHING TO DO tomorrow! {hastily starts reattaching the link with scotch tape} You know what? You know what? I can effectively kill time by putting it all back together, you see? That's what I-- That's how I'll effectively kill time the next little while. And you know what's really interesting about all this, is none of this would even matter if I had a girlfriend. {continues fixing the paper link}

Red On Christmas
''{Red walks into the same part of the Lodge where Harold had been standing in the previous scene. On the table in front of him is a sign that reads "Christmas Countdown". Harold's paper chain is hanging next to the door.}''

RED GREEN: I do a Christmas countdown thing. It's important to me when Christmas is, because the beer stores are closed. But, uh... {picks up part of Harold's paper chain} I don't like the thing that Harold did, the moose with the links and all that stuff. I'm more of a handyman than a crafty goof. I like the idea of the chain link though, so I say, {reaches under the table and picks up a large steel chain} let's use a real chain.

{Red sets the chain down on the table.}

RED GREEN: Sure, maybe it's heavy, and it's oily and dirty and so on. But you don't have to make it. It's already there. {picks up one end} You just hang that on the wall, {sets it down again and picks up a bolt cutter} and get your bolt cutter, and... {opens the bolt cutter and sets puts it on the end of the chain} Every time a day goes by, you just, uh... {starts trying to cut the chain, making no headway} You just, uh... You just--

''{Red struggles with the cutter, then starts pulling down on the handle as hard as he can for a long moment, making faces in the process. The cutter doesn't budge.}''

RED GREEN: {gasps, pauses} I'm finished having my family. {tries again to cut the chain with no success; giving up} All right, well, you get the idea on that. Y'know, when you go with the heavier chain, maybe it would be better if you just kinda let a few days go by. {holding up four links} See, if you let four days go by, then you just cut that link. {grabs the link in question} Then all the days-- That's what you do. Just cut every four days. Or... {picks up the other end of the chain} Y'know, what you could do is just hang it up, and wait for all the days to go by. Then on Christmas morning, first thing you do... {sweeps the chain onto the floor} Take the chain down! That's the handyman way! {walks to the exit}

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying (Edgar Montrose)
{Red walks out into the Lodge basement holding a roll of duct tape.}

RED GREEN: Joining me today, we got, uh, Edgar Montrose. {walks up to Edgar standing behind a bench with a snow cannon on it} Merry Christmas, Edgar! Yeah.

{The audience applauds as Red and Edgar wave.}

RED GREEN: So what do you got for us today?

EDGAR MONTROSE: {nodding} That's right, usually at this time of year. {Red looks perplexed} Well, first off, {hands Red a cylindrically-wrapped present} I have a gift for you, Red.

RED GREEN: {taking present} Sure.

EDGAR MONTROSE: It's a little something I call the Christmas cracker.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

EDGAR MONTROSE: My own idea.

RED GREEN: {examining gift} Oh. {laughs} No, no, no. Edgar, no offense, but, you know, lots of people have had firecrackers.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Yes, but do they use the mercury detonator?

RED GREEN: {suddenly nervously sets cracker on bench} No, that's, uh, that– that's all you. {Edgar nods} Yeah, yeah.

EDGAR MONTROSE: No, Red, I– I'm here {gestures toward snow cannon} because my snow cannon isn't working.

RED GREEN: {taking snow cannon} Snow cannon! Boy, that's, uh, that sounds cute. How's– How's that work?

EDGAR MONTROSE: {bending down under bench} Well, normally, {about to push a button} when you push down here, it sends snow out and sprinkles across the yard.

''{Edgar pushes the button. Suddenly, a blast of white smoke shoots out of the cannon. Red recoils from the shock, dropping the cannon on the table. Edgar looks surprised.}''

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh! {looks offscreen, then down at cannon} Oh, gee, thanks, Red! That's a good repair! Uh, what did you do?

RED GREEN: {scratching his nose} I made a little adjustment just right now.