The Water Park/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold: And now

here's a living legend,

a giant who even makes

paul bunyan look small...

In overseas television sales

anyway, you know?

Here he is, the star

of our show -- mr. Red green.

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Interesting intro there,

harold.

Never been compared

to paul bunyan before.

I guess that makes you

his pet ox, blue.

Well, can his pet ox, blue,

do this?

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ chuckles ]

yeah,

if he eats enough bran.

Well, yesterday,

we all got bored again,

so we figured possum lodge

could use a few improvements.

Kicked around the idea of making

a water-purification system

or maybe a compost or

some kind of a recycling unit,

and that struck us

as a bit of a yawn.

So we decided to make

a submarine pen.

A submarine pen?

What do we need

a submarine pen for?

We don't even have

a submarine.

Well,

we may have some day.

And most of our boats

are almost submarines.

Yeah, that's right.

That's true, yeah.

Old man sedgwick made a

submarine quite a few years ago,

back when he was known as

"middle-aged man sedgwick."

but, uh...Had

an engineering flaw in it.

He put a screen door on her,

and she sank.

But he ended up donating it

to the lodge.

Oh, is that why

the septic tank

has a conning tower

and a periscope?

Yeah, yeah.

So, the first step in building

our submarine pen

was to get stinky to fire up

his cement truck

and drop off

a load of concrete.

And we were all right in the

middle of pouring it, you know,

and then, well, we took a break

to go into the lodge

and watch

"gilligan's island."

and, uh, you know how men

kind of glaze over

when they're watching

television, you know?

Next thing you know,

it's 9:00 this morning

and the cement's hard

and solid as a rock.

So now what we've got

is a concrete truck

and 60 feet of pouring trough

cemented to the shoreline.

But junior singleton says

he can get

the whole mess out of there

with about

four feet of string.

How does that work?

That's a fuse for the dynamite,

harold.

Well, I'll be spending

the rest of the day in my room.

[ chuckles ]

golly, we should do this

more often.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ my great granddaddy

was the best of them all ♪

♪ tough as a tree stump

and damn near as tall ♪

♪ drank and he smoked

from the day he was born ♪

♪ caroused

and had below-average hygiene ♪

♪ plus he ate

a lot of junk food ♪

♪ but he was never sick

a day in his life ♪

♪ and he lived

to be almost 27 ♪

this week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show

you a few simple projects

that will make our highways

safer, at least for you.

You know, uh,

most men are defensive drivers.

Just ask them

about their driving

and see how defensive they get.

But the kind of driver

that really steams my clams, uh,

is the tailgater.

You know the guy --

he's usually got a little car,

usually a red one,

and it's about the size

of a shoe box

and smells around the same.

And he's always,

oh, 18 years old.

Sometimes they're 18 1/2.

But you very rarely seen anybody

over 25 tailgating

because, uh, they tend to have

real short careers.

And you know you can't reason

with the tailgaters

'cause they can't hear you

over that hole in their muffler.

Or else they got that stereo

thumping, pumping

with the superturbo bass

on there.

And the little, thin sheet metal

on the japanese cars

are just bumping and bumping

and grinding like that

and make you sick

to your stomach.

There is one thing

the tailgaters do understand --

fear.

Here's an idea

one of our viewers sent in.

Take a lunch pail...

Or, uh, a thermos...

Or even a briefcase...

Or all three if

you're absolutely made of money.

And you screw them

right to the roof of your car...

With these drywall screws.

[ drill whirring ]

all right, that's --

those are really on there.

They're not going anywhere.

Of course, now, uh, your

tailgater doesn't know that.

He figures

you just put these up here

while you, you know,

reached around in your pockets

for your car keys.

And then once you found them,

you just got in,

then you drove away,

and you forgot about them.

So, I'll tell ya, you're not

gonna get a tailgater

if you're doing 60 mile an hour

down the highway.

These people tend to stay back,

you know?

But I'll show ya --

I'll show ya another trick

that -- that works real well.

Uh, first step is you got

to remove your back bumper.

Now, that may take

a little longer

for those fussbudgets out there

who had the thing rustproofed.

All right, now,

what you're gonna need

to finish this project

is a ball of twine of some kind

and a couple of old pens

and a roll of the handyman's

secret weapon -- duct tape.

All right,

now I've reattached the bumper

with these little pieces

of string,

which are actually stronger

than the old rust balls

that were holding it on

in the first place.

Now, these are all slipknots.

That's important.

You'll see why in a minute.

Now, to keep the strings

all separate,

we run them up here through

these old ballpoint pens.

You can get ballpoint pens

real cheap,

especially if you wait

till the guy who's going

and checking your oil

at the gas station.

You just take them.

They don't mind.

And then, uh,

take them all up here

and, uh, tie them in a knot,

and get down, hook them

right into your dashboard.

Okay, so,

now you're driving along.

Uh, you're doing maybe 40,

50 miles below the speed limit.

And before you know it,

some goofball's coming right up

to your back bumper.

I mean, just 'cause you're in

the passing lane, I guess.

And you're getting

a little ticked.

But you just wait.

Just wait.

I'm watching

the rearview mirror.

And when he gets up real close

and you can see the whites

of his eyes...Just pull.

And the bumper falls

right off there.

Usually, it gets into kind of

an end-over-end thing

and, uh, will get under his car

and puncture all of his tires

and probably rip off

his oil tank there

and get right through

the gasoline and that's gonna --

and then you'll really see

the whites of his eyes.

But, you know, if you want to

try a little more subtle tactic,

there's another thing

you can use.

You're gonna need a can

of spray paint,

uh, and a -- yeah?

Very good.

And you'll need some of

the handyman's secret weapon.

Put your glasses on, harold.

Uh, duct tape.

And we'll show you how that --

and you'll also need

an old piano.

Don't bother.

Uh, this is gonna take

a little while,

so why don't I just rig this up?

You go back to the show.

And when I get her all done,

I will have you back,

and I'll show you

something really neat.

Oh, for god's sake.

And now it's that part

of the show

where we expose

those three little words

that men find so difficult

to say --

"I don't know."

[ laughs ]

and here to prove

that point once again

on "the expert" portion

of the show

is my uncle red and his

good friend mr. Bob stuyvesant.

Wa-a-a!

All righty.

"dear, experts..."

wa-a-a.

"...At work --

at work, recently

"I punched out a colleague

over the last cup of coffee.

"when my boss suggested

I get my blood pressure checked,

"I headbutted him.

"then the court appointed

a psychiatrist to examine me,

"and he told the judge I was

overstressed and frustrated.

"this ticked me off so much that

I punched his lights out, too.

"now I realize that I really do

have to relax and unwind,

especially since I want

to make early parole."

well, you know, I've always

found it difficult

to relax myself.

I've always been

kind of a high-strung,

"go! Go! Go!"

kind of a guy.

You know, if you really want

to relax and unwind,

I find that humor

oftentimes works.

And that was an example,

say.

They say laughter

is the best medicine.

Mm-hmm.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Hillary clinton.

Golf!

That's relaxing.

When I want to unwind,

you know,

I think that a good game of golf

helps me relieve all my tension

and my frustration.

You finally played a good game

of golf, bob?

[ both laugh ]

remember that time you, like,

whiffed nine strokes in a row

on that same ball?

[ laughs ]

you attacked your golf cart

with the driver.

Wa-a-a!

Now, harold, you know, I mean,

there's a perfect example

of how you have

to let out your tension.

I think that, you know, hitting

my driver on the golf cart

was very cathartic.

It got out a lot

of pent-up emotion.

You know, it just made me feel

a little better.

That's all.

I mean, really, I mean --

I mean, what did it cost me?

A golf cart

and my favorite driver.

He never drove for you again,

did he?

No, he, uh -- he stopped

caddying altogether, actually.

You know what I think

is your problem, bob?

You're standing too close

to your ball after you hit it.

[ both laugh ]

pardon me!

But I think

I'm gonna go outside

and hit a bucket of balls

to kingdom come!

And nobody

better stop me!

[ laughs ]

whoo!

[ giggles ]

whoo!

Well, usually, humor,

you know, releases tension.

Absolutely.

See what happens when

you don't have a sense of humor?

Knock, knock.

Great idea.

Okay, I got her

all rigged up here.

And once again, let's imagine

that I'm cruising down

the highway

just minding my own business,

kind of drifting

from lane to lane,

you know, with my mood swings

and so on.

And suddenly, all of a sudden,

I got myself a tailgater.

Well, what I've got here is,

up on the dashboard --

I've got these piano keys

connected to the, uh -- to

some old emergency-brake cables.

Who used them in the spring?

And they go down to the back

and hook into the piano hammers.

But they're not playing strings

anymore,

they's planning cans

of spray paint, okay?

So now I say, "pick a color."

well, white key -- white paint.

[ note plays ]

or I could actually play

a whole symphony of colors.

[ notes playing ]

if I could do, say, four bars of

"the flight of the bumblebee,"

I can change his red sports car

into one of them

psychedelic vans from woodstock.

But, I'll tell ya, the real

pièce de résistance here --

I undo my rope in here 'cause

I have some tailgater graffiti.

[ drumroll ]

huh?

I drop my handy-dandy stencil

in there,

and now the spray paint's going

right through there

and leaving a real colorful

message on the front of his car.

We know he can't drive,

but, uh, he can probably read.

And so can everybody else.

Okay, okay,

I know you can't really do

all this stuff

that I'm talking about

because it's -- well,

it's dangerous and it's illegal

and it's probably gonna, you

know, result in a loss of life.

And you know what wives

are like.

But, uh, you know,

if you did want to try,

say, the bumper thing,

you know, just be real careful

the tailgater doesn't have

the flashing lights on the tops.

'cause those guys

have no sense of humor.

They pull you right over, take

your license right on the stop.

That's $125 fine.

You only get 14 days to pay.

Or, I mean, I-I would imagine

it'd be something in that --

in that area, kind of.

Anyway, until next time,

remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

I got to go borrow some money.

You know, my grandmother

on my mother's side

once said to me that every

problem is an opportunity.

Like when my grandfather was

having a problem in the bedroom,

she took the opportunity

to run off with the postman.

So I say our

cement-truck-and-trough mess

is not a problem.

It's an opportunity,

an opportunity

to build a waterslide.

Oh, boy.

And that'll be

just the beginning

of the possum lodge

water theme park.

Wa-a-a!

Whoa!

[ laughs ]

excuse me, uncle red,

but I don't think you can have

a theme park with just

like one attraction there.

Well, we know that,

harold.

We're gonna do

all kinds of things.

We're painting the snowmobiles

in bright summer colors

so they'll float.

And, uh, old man sedgwick

is building a plywood beach.

And, you know, every water

theme park has to have a mascot.

Wait till you see

willy whale.

Willy whale?

Yep.

Moose thompson's

gonna be willy whale.

Saves us buying a costume.

And once

the people arrive,

moose is gonna waddle out

into possum bay,

start doing deep knee bends,

and we got an instant wave pool.

It's gonna be big, harold.

The people are gonna be

just rushing in

to willy whale's

water wonderland.

Wa-a-a!

Absolutely!

Doctors, policemen,

firemen, ambulance crews!

As long as they pay to get in,

harold.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ the Sunday-school picnic's

a gala affair ♪

♪ everyone treats it

with pride ♪

♪ with bright, shiny faces

and three-legged races ♪

♪ and nowhere the devil

can hide ♪

♪ we got ants in the coleslaw,

bugs in the meatloaf ♪

♪ and a big crunch

when two kids collide ♪

crunch!

Yep, yep.

♪ with games that injury us

and food that bacteria us ♪

♪ it's a good thing

the lord's on their side ♪

red: Well, I got

a kind of interesting

"adventures with bill"

for you this week.

This is the time of the year

where everybody

kind of gets their boat ready

to put away for the winter,

and bill's no exception.

He's scraping his boat there,

and we got to climb --

whoa!

And when you got a sailboat,

they're kind of high

because of the keel and so on,

so you got to climb up

on top of them to --

and bill had --

well, I'm just gonna step --

"okay, just step

on my foot there."

oh.

Hmm?

Bill, I guess, had stepped into

something that was -- yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, anyway, okay,

now we got the other shoe.

Yeah, the other one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, he didn't step in it

in both feet.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ohh!

Boy.

Well, so, we're gonna have

a little extra maintenance

to do on the boat this year

by the look of her, but, uh --

so, we got to get up,

and you got to get in.

You got to get into the cockpit

and get all the water

out of the bilge.

And you got to get into the

cabin there and the fore and aft

and the gunnels and

the forestays and the backstays.

And so bill's gonna use

the rope.

He'll throw a rope over to me,

and then I'll pull him up.

But he just -- swinging a rope

is not all that, uh --

not all that easy.

[ grunting ]

it wasn't going real well,

but bill didn't seem to notice.

But, uh, now the thing is,

what do you do?

Do you go and take over,

or do you just --

I've heard

in management training,

the thing is, you let a guy

learn by his mistakes.

And we let --

and when it comes to mistakes...

Bill is pretty well

the expert there.

You forgot to hang onto

the end there, bill.

So I guess we got to sort of --

sometimes, you got

to take charge and say,

"now here's how you do it."

you go stand over there.

I'll hold the end.

See how it works?

Now I throw it --

now grab it, bill.

Grab it. Grab it.

Bill.

Now what he wants to do is --

bill, you got to tie that

to something solid

so that when you pull

against it --

yeah,

the old possum van is...

Ohh.

...Pretty solid, I guess.

Now I'll take up the slack here,

and then you can pull down

on that and just --

meanwhile, what I didn't -- oh.

Use the slack -- yeah.

What I didn't realize is

that there was a film festival

going on, of all cartoons,

down at the possum theater.

And harold wanted to go,

so he'd hidden in the van,

and he drove off.

And what I didn't realize is,

uh,

I guess bill had decided

to go with him.

Now, uh, you boys

have a good time at the show!

I'll see you later.

And now here's harold with

something for all you teenagers.

My advice is --

might as well go for a soda.

[ chuckles ]

welcome to the teen show to talk

to teens about teen...Stuff.

And, well, today's topic is...

[ keyboard clacking ]

ooh! Wa-a-a!

Okay, well, the oldest sex myth

around here is my uncle red.

[ laughs ]

tagged him.

[ laughs ]

okay, well...

Hi. Hi.

Did you just hear

what I said?

No. Why?

What did you just say?

Oh, oh, nothing.

Oh, you know, nothing.

Wa-a-a!

Actually, the oldest sex myth

is that the male sex

is the dominant one

of the human species.

Harold.

Yes?

Did you just say

that I was the oldest sex myth?

[ laughs ]

a little, yeah.

Anyway, um, you know,

it's not true that the male

has to be the dominant one

in any relationship.

No, no, no, no.

Because some men are very

sensitive, you know, and shy.

And in such a case, therefore,

it would be

you know, perfectly acceptable

and sensible

and, you know, more often

than not, necessary

for the female

to ask him out.

That would be a very '90s,

up-front thing for ladies to do.

It would.

Wa-a-a!

Harold, don't beg.

It shows, does it?

Oh, yeah.

[ keyboard clacking ]

I know a lot of you teenagers

are enjoying your dating years,

going out with different boys

and girls,

depending on who you're in love

with at that moment

or who has a car

or who has mcdonald's coupons.

I know it's fun sowing

your wild oats or wheat or bran

or whatever your orientation is.

But, you know, eventually,

that fun's gonna have

to come to an end.

It will be time to get

married...Or leave town.

I suggest you get married,

not that marriage is perfect.

But at least it gives you

one less to worry about

as you lose your looks.

So my point is that while you're

dating, be really careful.

'cause nobody's gonna want

to marry you

if you're flat broke

or in prison

or if you have some kind of

unidentified rash...

Or if you're harold.

Hey, glen, good news.

I got some business for you.

Oh. [ laughs ]

I got some better news, red.

I'm on vacation.

Yep, I'm off to one of

the biggest amusement parks

in all of florida --

elmer's eel world.

Yep, they got trained eels

there, red.

They got marvin

the magnificent moray

who can play the xylophone

all by himself.

[ laughs ]

it's great.

But, glen,

it's high season.

Oh, that's okay 'cause elmer's

is never, ever busy.

No, no, no.

I mean it's high season here.

What about your customers?

Oh, well, uh, geez, I could take

maybe eight of them.

But no whiners,

no smokers,

and certainly nobody

with a small bladder.

No, no, no, glen.

No, I mean, customers

at your marina here.

How are you gonna be able

to sell boats

if you're not even here?

Well, I don't need to,

red.

I've already met my quota

for the year.

Oh, yeah?

Who set your quota?

I did.

Are you telling me that you've

already made enough money

for the whole season?

Well,

no, not exactly, red.

What I've done

is I've made enough

to borrow against

next year's quota.

It gives me

a better tax situation.

Well, I'm sorry, glen,

but I have to buy a boat

for our water park.

Oh, that's a problem, red,

see, because I've already done

my books for the whole year.

So if I make another sale,

that throws off my balance sheet

real bad.

What I could do, though,

is I could sell you a boat now,

and you could take delivery

next summer.

Oh, no, no, no,

that won't work.

Maybe you could rent me

a boat.

Uh, I could do that, sure,

except they're all broken.

Well, you're gonna have

to fix one of them, glen.

Oh, I can't do that, red.

No, no.

What I could do is

I could rent you a boat as is,

and I could rent you

some tools.

And you could help yourself.

You see, I'm gone today.

Don't you get it?

I'm gone.

I'm going home.

I'm gonna pick up

my lovely wife,

my seven

beautiful daughters,

and I'm gonna surprise them with

a trip to elmer's eel world.

♪ eel world ♪

♪ it's the real world ♪

♪ it's the squealy really

real world ♪

red, I'll see you

in a couple weeks.

Uh-huh.

It could be a tad shorter

than that, glen.

Well, willy whale's water

wonderland was a washout.

Try to do something nice

for people

and all you get is complaints.

I don't know, uncle red.

I think those people

on the waterslide

were absolutely right.

I don't see any fun myself

being, you know, rolled around

inside of a cement truck

and then dumped out

onto a concrete trough.

And, of course,

moose thompson's knee goes out,

so that's the end

of our wave machine.

Then he tries to make do

by duct-taping the barn door

to the pile driver

and thumping that

into the water,

which was a certain amount

of overkill,

not to mention what

the barn door did to the lake.

You should have

smelled that!

Wa-a-a!

Whoo!

[ laughs ]

it was like an old horse

on a humid day.

Harold,

I said, "not to mention."

wa-a-a.

Well, that was one great wave

machine, I'll tell you that.

That was

a tidal-wave machine.

What do you call a wave

that size, harold?

Tsunami.

Gesundheit.

Well, anyway, we've decided

to take the problem

of the personal-injury

and property-damage lawsuits

and turn them

into the opportunity

of closing

the water theme park forever.

Oh, yeah, okay,

well, what about the fact

that you've soaked

the entire possum lake area?

Well, that's good because

it means the risk of forest fire

is down to zero.

So is the water level

in possum lake.

Good.

We'll get the snowmobiles back.

[ screeching ]

oh, call of the meeting.

I'm gonna go down.

Yeah.

All right, harold, you go ahead.

I'll be right there.

K.O.

Well, that wasn't an

unparalleled success, I guess,

but all other things

being considered, we did okay.

And if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And my clothes

are all soaked here,

so I'm just gonna throw them

in the dryer,

and they could really use

a quick tumble.

Come to think of it,

I'm soaking wet myself.

And to the rest of you,

on behalf of harold and myself

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching ]

all rise!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

I'd like to kind of keep

the meeting moving along tonight

because I'm a little

uncomfortable here.

I got -- I got water

in some very special places,

and I'd like to get home

and kind of reverse

that whole process, so...