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It's "the new red green show"!

Here's the man

who looks both ways

after he crosses the street,

your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

thank you!

Nice outfit, harold.

Thank you very much.

This is quite a day.

Our chests are so puffed out

with pride, they stick out

almost past our stomachs.

You'll never guess

what happened today.

The possum lodge

peewee hockey team

won the regional finals!

(cheering and whistling)

how about

that, huh?

I gotta tell you,

it was classic hockey.

Hitting, cross-checking,

elbowing, lots of blood...

That was just the parents.

I sure hope

they don't start a food fight

at the hockey banquet.

The parents are having

a banquet?

Excellent!

Oh, no, no, we are.

We sponsored the team and

they're going to the finals.

It's up to us to have a banquet

for them -- it's tradition.

We'll be breaking

that tradition.

No, you can't -- it's expected.

The kids expect it,

and more importantly,

the parents expect it.

You don't want to upset them.

Surely the lodge can throw

a little hockey banquet.

Well, let's see.

The lodge has

about 23 bucks, harold.

We can't use all that

'cause the lodge

has to pick up milk and bread.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

Looks like we'll go ahead

with this banquet

'cause the team we sponsored

won the darn regional finals.

Price of success, I guess.

They got the parents coming in.

They want us to clean

the lodge a bit.

(audience laughing)

probably needed it anyway.

Uncle red!

Uncle red, I got the trophies

for the banquet.

I got 'em all -- the m.V.P.,

the m.V.P., the m.V.P.,

the m.V.P., m.V.P.,

and the m.M.V.V.P.P.

(audience laughing)

you got five

most valuable player trophies?

No, no, let's see -- got, um...

That's, uh,

most volatile player...

(laughing)

most verbal profanity...

(laughing)

most vulgar player...

Moving violation with a puck...

(laughing)

and what about

the m.M.V.V.P.P.?

Major maiming of a vulnerable

victim's private parts.

(laughing and applause)

(cheering)

wow.

I didn't get

a most valuable player trophy.

What about

this brass cup?

This is the thumbston cup.

That's

a beauty.

Donated by dr. Thumbston,

the dentist.

Teeth in there, harold?

Whatever player loses the most

teeth, they go in here.

He makes them into an upper

or lower plate, your choice.

That's really neat.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Speaking of chewing, how's

the planning of food going?

It's all under control.

Have a little faith.

I have faith,

the team has faith.

What they're really gonna want

is food!

(audience laughing)

(red): Here's a teaser

for the adventure with bill...

Hi, bill.

... The adventure with bill,

coming up later.

Bill and harold are gonna work

on this one.

They got a do-it-yourself...

It's a do-it-yourself

log cabin kit.

Quite a big unit.

And, uh... May not go

that well,

I'm thinking at this point.

If you get injured

just opening the box,

that's a sign from god

to buy one already built.

Kind of an unusual kit.

I'll tell you one thing.

The company's into packaging

in a big way.

What have you got?

There's your

do-it-yourself kit --

a couple of axes... Oh, boy.

A couple of axes,

and a couple of-- ohhh!

Don't be doing that, harold.

If you're not having kids,

maybe it's a good idea.

Ohhh! I would think

that would hurt,

but with harold,

you just never know.

Oh, I see -- all right.

This is important

for you youngsters watching

who want to do things.

You really are never

any sharper than your tools.

You can see these are two guys

in big trouble.

Maybe this one's all right.

No? Oh, yeah,

that one's fine, that's fine.

Bill always questions

everything, don't you?

Ahhh!

It's a good policy.

There they are -- they're fine.

They've got the grinder going.

Ohhhh!

We're down to one axe, are we?

Just down to one axe now?

No, ok, he brought 'er back.

He's gonna sharpen that,

'cause the other one was sharp.

Watch out for the sparks...

And there's some sparks.

That could...

That's the kind of sparks

that could ignite clothing.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Oh, by golly.

All right, get something.

Harold, get something.

Never mind, it's fine,

we're fine.

Ohhhh! Ohhh!

Oh, boy.

We'll come back once we buy

some more insurance.

♪ ohhhh...

Pizza in the kitchen ♪

♪ pizza in the hall ♪

♪ pizza on the carpet

and halfway up the wall ♪

♪ pizza in the parlour ♪

♪ pizza on the floor ♪

♪ it's not actually pizza ♪

♪ we just forgot to put the

lid on the food processor ♪

this is the big one!

For the grand prize

of an electric hammer and glue,

you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Dalton humphreys

of humphreys' everything store

to say this word.

Charity.

Charity.

And go!

All right,

dalton.

In the bible, it says

this begins at home.

Arguments.

When you give money to a good

cause, you donate to a...

... A mutual

fund.

You're not expecting

money back.

It's a...

... Savings account.

Ok, united way is a...

... Nuisance!

We're almost out of time.

Family comes into your store.

They have no money, five kids.

You got crappy used toys.

Woman comes and says,

"if I buy four toys, can I have

the 5th toy for nothing?"

what do you think I'm running?

A charity?

(laughing and applause)

that's it?

This week on "handyman corner",

I want to show you

how you can do

a vehicle upgrade

that I've always wanted to do,

but couldn't afford,

until harold explained

that anything on this show

is a tax write-off.

Harold's on the show

and he's a complete write-off.

He must be right.

I do a lot of off-track

driving in this vehicle,

not necessarily on purpose.

The steering and brakes are...

Well, that doesn't matter.

Up till now, I've been

like that blanche dubois.

I've relied on the kindness

of strangers.

I won't have to do that

any more.

I'll pull myself out of ditches

from now on.

Look what I got in here!

Huh? A one-ton winch.

I just gotta hook that up

to the front bumper

and bob's your aunt --

it's the '90's.

(grunting)

all right, no sense

getting my condition flared up.

I'll get a tool to help me.

The right tool for the job.

That's what I say

when things go wrong.

I say that a lot.

Try that under there.

(grunting)

by golly, she's...

She's a heavy unit.

I'll just push that out

with my feet.

Always had strong legs.

Real proud of that.

All right, stand back.

(grunting)

well, um...

I need a lever

of some kind to...

I got a better idea.

Why don't we let the tool

do the work?

All I gotta do...

Hook the chain

onto the front bumper,

turn on the winch

and let it pull itself.

I'll go hook 'er up.

Man, dark down here.

Is that shock absorber leaking?

Maybe it's the differential...

It's both!

I keep catching the pants

on everything.

Good place for a party.

That rad's leaking...

So's the transmission,

the engine...

It's like it's raining here.

(grunting)

man!

Ohhh...

Not too bad.

We just take this,

hook 'er onto the bumper,

and then let the winch

pull itself.

Let the tool do the job.

That's what I said

when I made harold producer.

All right, I got my chain

around the grille

and man, she is solid.

The grille isn't,

but the chain sure as heck is.

I've got cables hooked up

to take electricity

from the battery

to the winch --

she's hooked right--

yeah! Lots of power.

We're all set

and I just flick 'er on

and just flick a switch

and stand back

and let the winch do the work.

My kind of project.

Hope I got

enough power cable on there.

There she goes again.

Must be more than I thought.

Golly, that's not

supposed to happen.

I'll turn that winch off.

She's way up there now.

This is a good thing

'cause I can use

this opportunity

to check the entire

electrical system.

That light bulb's burnt out.

Never would have seen that.

Look at those spark plugs.

They need to be gapped.

Yeah, by golly,

that needs repair.

The winch is

a fabulous thing.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I should pull

the engine out, too.

Oh, here it comes now.

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

Want to talk to you guys

about a disturbing fad.

Self-help books --

you seen these things?

Yeah, they're in the bookstore.

Odd titles, things like

"diapering your inner child."

(laughing)

"women are from venus,

men are in the basement."

"the seven devious habits

of successful people."

I don't know about you,

but the last thing I want

is an inner child from venus

who's more successful

than I am.

We should all back off

on the self-help thing.

We need another kind of book

to help men, with titles like,

"hey, men are pretty much

perfect the way they are."

or "everything I need to know

about life,

"I learned

in the hardware store."

I know one.

"self-esteem through

absent-minded scratching."

that would probably be a movie.

We should ease off

on the self-help

because it could be dangerous.

You could end up

being over-improved

for the neighbourhood

in which you live,

if you catch my drift.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(applause)

the parents and kids

and everything,

the hockey players,

they're down in the basement,

getting ready for the banquet.

Things are cranking up

pretty good.

Harold's entertaining them.

He's getting a sing-song going.

(harold): Owww!

Owww!

Stop that!

Stop it!

That's not funny!

Someone's gonna get hurt

and there's gonna be trouble!

All right, that's serious!

That-- ok, ok, that's it!

Ha-ha!

No more games!

(shouting)

all right,

something's gonna break!

(glass

breaking)

(laughing)

uncle red! Where's the food?

They're going crazy --

it's like a riot!

Can't the parents

control them?

Those are the parents!

The kids are outside,

playing basketball!

We gotta get food!

Then they'll put down

their weapons.

All right, you tell 'em

pizza's on the way.

Pizza's

on the way!

You tell them, harold.

I'm going

back in!

All right, all right!

Ohhh! Ok!

I saw you! I know who that is!

I'm gonna tell

your children!

Come on, come on...

Hello, pizza shack?

This is red green

at possum lodge.

I want 20 large pizzas,

everything on 'em.

Yeah, I'll pay cash.

If they're not here

in 30 minutes, they're free?

Yeah, all right, bye.

Junior, tell the guys.

Put nails on the road,

burn the van, block the bridge,

shoot out the porch light,

switch the street signs.

(applause and cheering)

(siren)

possum 911, can we help you?

Uh, red?

Yes, sir!

Is that red?

Right here.

That's red right there.

That's not red.

I'm harold -- that's red.

Would you put red on?

Red's right here!

I'm here!

Uh, red? Is that you?

Yeah!

Talk to me, red!

Is that you, really?

He's right here,

if you want to talk!!

Who's that, now?

That was

harold.

I'm red -- go ahead.

That you, red?

Did you say "fred" or "red"?

Red's here -- I'm harold --

you're talking to red.

Could you get a message to red?

I'll do my best!

Uh... Are you there, red?

Time to put a door

on the microwave, all right?

I am the leader

of possum lodge!

You're actually talking to me

but it won't last forever,

if you get my drift!

I am the actual red green!

Red green?

Yeah.

Oh... Honey, we got

the wrong number.

Ohhhh!

(red): Meanwhile,

back at the ranch...

Ohhh...

Must be dinnertime.

The brain trust of possum lodge

is working on the log cabin.

What?

Boy, that's an odd thing.

That would be a haunted log.

They're looking for logs

to make their log cabin.

There's one --

that's a pretty good one.

Bill wants it a certain length

and tells harold

where he wants-- oh, by golly!

(laughing)

hey! You know, here's a lesson.

It's a good idea

to bring a pencil.

This is not-- oh, boy!

This is not the way to do it.

So far, you're just lucky.

You're not gonna be lucky--

that's what I'm saying.

Oh, boy... Oh, boy... Oh, boy.

Ohhh! Just cut the watch.

(laughing)

just in the nick of time,

we call that.

All right... Oh, this is good.

Harold holds the log.

Ok, good, ok.

That makes perfect sense to me.

Uh... Kids?

Don't try this anywhere,

all right?

There goes the log again.

♪ rollin', rollin',

rollin' ♪

they're gonna go

something heavier...

Looks like you guys

are a bit stumped, huh?

That's too much juice.

That's not gonna work.

Oh, by gosh.

Let's skip this part.

Don't be lookin' at that.

Read a book for a second.

We'll get back to you.

Ok, bill's got an idea.

That should work -- right.

Oh, this is interesting.

We're going back

to the pioneer days

before they even had livestock.

And they would run ropes

around things

and get the bigger women

to pull on that.

Look at that -- look at the...

Ohhh! Ohhh! Ohhh!

Careful, guys!

Ok, they're gonna--

ok, they fixed 'er up.

Got a better knot and

got 'er wound round more times.

Wrap that around your neck.

Pull the same way, harold.

The thing with this is,

you gotta have both guys

of equal strength.

I think maybe harold's

a little weak in that area.

Actually, harold's weak

in every area.

Bill, pulling

as hard as he can,

doesn't realize that

he's wrapped harold

in around the...

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

You've cut off his... You know,

that thing that he has.

You cut that off --

it's completely cut off.

Bill, you might want to

get that out.

I don't think he's faking.

Here's the thing-- oh, boy!

I wouldn't recommend-- oh, boy!

I would not recommend this

as a way

of removing...

Oh, all right, ok.

In this one instance,

it worked fine,

but don't forget --

we can edit.

All right, they're all set,

and, uh, bill...

(glass

breaking)

the van was close by.

Bill has another idea --

two saws.

How are you gonna make

a log cabin?

(sawing)

oh, for gosh sakes!

Eh? There's the kit!

(laughing)

you guys have no chance.

Oh!

What a waste of time.

Look at this "chain saw",

sent by a viewer.

My favourite part of the show,

where we examine the words

men find so hard to say...

(audience):

"I don't know!"

(laughing)

I love that part.

Joining my uncle red

on the expert part

is mr. Winston rothschild

of rothschild sewage

and septic sucking services.

Ladies and gentlemen,

winston rothschild.

(applause and cheering)

thank you.

I'm a good guy to know when

you can't go with the flow.

(laughing)

charming... All righty.

Letter goes as follows...

"dear experts, I never had

a strong fashion sense.

"I don't have a girlfriend

to shop with me

"so I'm not sure how wide

a stripe to get on a shirt

"to complement my

green-and-yellow plaid pants."

wahhh!

Boy! Says he doesn't have

a girlfriend.

Go figure, huh?

But hey, guy, I know

where you're comin' from.

Hopefully,

somewhere dark.

(red): Come on,

now, harold.

I'm saying that

a lot of men hate

to go shopping for clothes.

Huh! Speak

for yourself,

captain flannel.

I just love

shopping for snappy new outfits

for myself.

Sure, I think of myself

as the calvin klein of sewage.

As a great man once said,

he said, uh,

"you are what you wear."

I thought it's

"you are what you eat".

I spill stuff on my shirt

so they're all covered.

What you need to do is

hook in to world-famous

self-help guru anthony anthony,

author of the book

"don't have a crappy life".

(audience laughing)

anthony anthony says that

what we wear

says a lot about ourselves.

See, red, your outfit,

it basically says,

"I'm laid-back, sloppy,

and really really married."

(laughing)

whereas harold over here,

that just screams

"I'm energetic, I'm nervous,

and inexperienced with girls."

(audience laughing)

two very opposite looks, two

very opposite personalities.

Winston, we are wearing

exactly the same unit, here.

You are?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Because you have more

of the...

No, no, not really.

But harold doesn't have

half as much...

No, no, it's the same, uh...

Maybe it's not

so much what you wear.

It's how you wear it.

(laughing)

you put your foot in it,

didn't you, mr. Rothschild?

That's why he has hip-waders.

(laughing and applause)

29 minutes and

still no pizza delivery!

(shouting)

we're 60 seconds away

from a free banquet.

I hope those obstacles

don't stop the guy completely.

If those pizzas are late...

Those hockey parents

will level this place.

30 seconds to go!

(car door closing)

pizza's here!

What?!

Oh, no!!!

Yeah, what?

You won't believe this.

After you ordered, I went out

to make sure

the porch light was on

so he could find us.

You know what?

What?

It was shot out!

Ohhh, harold!

It was weird, 'cause

when I turned it on,

I saw smoke coming

from mercury creek bridge.

Know what I saw?

(together): A van on fire!

Yeah, just on fire!

I told the pizza guy

to take the short way.

What short way?

Across the lake in a boat.

Ohhhh,

my gosh!

Lucky I saw flames --

he might have been an hour.

Gosh, that

was lucky!

Here's the bill.

There's the bill

right there -- $315.75.

Oh, my...

I'll take these down,

if you'll pay him.

All right, harold.

Harold, you know,

you are an m.V.P.

Well, thank you very much.

Don't forget to tip him.

(audience laughing)

I'm coming! I'm coming, you...!

If my wife is watching,

I'm not gonna be

coming home for a while.

I'm going to the pizza shack.

I'll be washing pans

for a certain amount of time.

Probably be painting the place

and tuning up

their delivery trucks.

(crying)

I'm not really hungry

anyway, so...

Everybody else...

See ya.

(laughing and applause)

(possum squeal)

everybody want pizza?

(shouting)

there's some over there!

There's pepperoni here!

The double-cheese is--

no, double-cheese is there!

Now, somebody wanted

no-anchovies!

No-anchovies is...

This is no-anchovies.

That's no-pizza, really.

You know, there's high fibre

in the box!

Don't negate the box!

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!