Pardi Gras/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show!"

and now here's the

honouring joe with

the rusty jack,

your hero,

your host,

my uncle,

red gr-e-e-e-n!

(cheers and applause)

thank you.

Appreciate it.

Big, big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

The possum lake high school

music teacher has moved

into a smaller house

and had to give up his

whole tuba collection

so, by golly, possum lodge

is now the proud owner

of 137 tubas.

Why would the music teacher,

like, give us all those?

That's 137 tubas.

That's a lot.

Well, I think he's trying

to improve our health

because when you

play the tuba,

you're a lot more careful

about what you eat.

I know what we can do with them.

I know what we can do with them.

I know what we can do with them.

You and I, we can learn

to play 'em together.

That would be great because,

you know how you're always

looking for something for

me and you to do?

I am?

Well, you know, we never

do anything together,

so I just assumed you were

looking for something,

but if you weren't

that's okay --

no, no, no,

now, wait now.

Let's do this...

Every time you and

I are together,

why don't you

play the tuba?

Yes! Yes! That'd be so

great if we could do that

because I love that instrument.

It's just this beautiful thing.

You know, I'll practice

really hard, and I'll learn

a whole bunch of songs,

and when we're together, I'll

show you what I've learned.

And I'll even learn

songs that you like --

that'll be great --

like those military songs

that you like so much.

They won't sound so obscene

when you can't hear the words.

That'd be fantastic --

so much fun.

I'm really looking

forward to this.

Yeah, yeah.

Me too, harold,

'cause when you're playin'

the tuba, you can't talk.

Yeah.

[ôôô]

here's a few scenes

from this episode.

Now, I was going

to explain things

'cause I think I could

explain that,

and I might able

to explain this,

but I'll tell you

somethin' folks,

I'll never be able

to explain that.

(really bad tuba playing)

harold, you better

play a different tune.

The bulls over at arnie's

are getting kind of excited.

Listen to this.

Listen to this.

Listen to this.

Listen to this.

Listen to this.

(bad tuba playing)

(coughing)

(more bad tuba playing)

recognize it?

Yeah, the death scene

from "moby dick."

no!

"flight of

the bumble bee."

flight of

fantasy, harold.

Don't worry, we'll put you

right at the back of the parade.

Nobody'll even

hear you.

What parade?

Oh, I didn't

tell you.

We're gonna

have a parade...

Yeah, all tubas.

Oh, yeah,

137 tubas.

We're going to make kind of an

annual tourist attraction thing,

like mardi gras,

only more fun.

We're gonna call

it "pardi gras."

none of us play

the tuba.

Well, you see, one at a time,

that's a problem.

But you get 137

playing at once,

nobody'll ever know.

Boy, there's nothing more

frustrating than the cost

of something after

you've bought it.

I bought this car from

buster hadfield.

Now it's got two

flat front tires.

Now, I can buy tires, but a new

tire is gonna be about 85 bucks.

There's two of 'em,

that would be --

well over $100 with tax.

I only paid 50 bucks

for the whole car.

Anybody who would spend

100 bucks on a $50 car

doesn't belong at possum lodge,

they belong in

the government.

All right, so the first thing

you can do is check the trunk.

You might have a spare.

That'll save you one tire.

No.

Okay, so this week on handyman

corner, I'm going to show you

how to make your very own

inexpensive tires.

First thing you want to do...

Clean out your closet.

All right, the obvious

question is...

Why are you hanging on

to these clothes?

And don't tell me you're saving

them to wash your car with them.

People with  clothes like

this don't wash their cars.

So throw them away, or donate

them to clown college

or something.

And that leaves you

with your footwear.

You want to hang on to these

because these penny loafers

and disco boots are going

to become your new tires.

All right, the next thing you

need is a pretty long piece

of four-inch steel pipe,

which you can buy or,

nine times out of ten,

can dig up right in

your own backyard...

Or somebody's backyard.

Now you've got to cut the

pipe into 18-inch lengths.

There is an easier way around

making that many cuts,

but it involves you having a

stupid friend or a son,

and I'm not that lucky.

Oh, man.

All right.

Take your piece of pipe now,

and attach that to the rim.

That's gonna make a

pretty big shoe tire there.

What you can do is shorten --

no, I'm not going to --

no, okay.

All right.

You can just cut out the fender

here a little bit, make room

for our big shoe tire.

Oh, yeah, this'll --

no problem.

All right, that's one.

Well, the tire took

a few hits there.

But, you know, you've got to get

that tire off the rim anyway,

so I must've meant that.

All right.

All right, now you want

to attach the pipes to

the rim there.

You can weld them on there,

but I'll tell you, they got

this new glue now that

dries instantly,

and it's as strong as a weld.

Harold, this stuff's crap.

All right, now, this is the

basic structure of your tire.

All that's missing

is the shoes.

You put the lefts on the left

side, rights on the right side.

That's all there is to it.

I'll tell you the beauty

of this system,

you can match your footwear

to the weather conditions.

You've got your rubber boots for

the rain, kodiaks for the snow,

running shoes when

you're in a hurry.

I would say hush puppies

for normal driving

and for special occasions,

those fluffy pink slippers.

I've got a kind

of mix on there,

so it's more or less

an all-weather tire.

Drop her down,

and I'm all set to go.

And the beauty of it is,

if I do have a flat tire,

I'm carrying two

spares with me,

plus all those extra shoes you

find along the side of the

road for some reason.

Maybe I'm not the first

one to try this idea.

No, no, no, no.

I'm probably the first one.

All right, so remember, if women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I gotta make tracks.

Hit my shoe horn.

(horn honking)

shoe tires,

just do it.

I want to talk to you

older guys out there.

You know, there's

gonna come a day,

one of these days you're gonna

go into work, and you're

gonna have a new boss.

And chances are that boss is

gonna be younger than you,

maybe a lot younger,

maybe younger than your kids,

and that can be

kind of awkward.

You know, there's a bit

of adjustment there,

'cause they get these new young

guys, they come out of school,

and they've got some kind of

education, and they feel they

gotta make an impression,

and they start upsetting

the routine, moving the coffee

machine, that kind of thing.

So here's what to do.

Just keep your head down;

stay out of the way.

Oh, yeah. A couple of

years down the road,

that young boss'll get married,

have kids, get himself a house,

and he'll be as frustrated

with life as you are,

and work'll get right

back to normal.

So look, don't do anything.

It's worked great

for you so far.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Ow!

(really bad tuba playing)

(blowing)

try emptying the spit

valve there, harold.

Oh, yeah, right.

(laughter)

too bad I've got

such a long name.

Man, is that a

tuba or a scuba?

No, no, I left it

out in the rain.

Scary.

Well, things are really coming

together, though, for our pardi

gras parade, I'll tell you that.

You know what, uncle red,

I was doing some reading,

and mardi gras

means fat Tuesday,

which already sounds

like a lodge event.

I think the parade is really

going to be something,

we're having a

nautical theme

'cause you don't have to

have a floating boat to

make a boating float.

And we got costumes,

and we got clowns,

and we got rubber things

to throw at the crowd.

You know what else you need?

You know what else you need?

You know what else you need?

You need, like,

a figurehead.

You know, a figurehead like

santa claus, or the easter

bunny or spiderman or

something like that.

And then what you do is, you put

him right on the last float

right at the end.

That way they become the

focus of the entire parade.

Like the prince of

pardi gras kind of thing?

Excellent choice.

Oh, yeah, you put him,

you know, in some kind

of a really cool costume,

you know, somebody who captures

the spirit of pardi gras

and, of course, looks

good in a sea of tubas.

Harold, you're right.

You'd be great at that.

No, no way.

No, I don't wanna because

it will be embarrassing.

I don't like being

embarrassed.

Oh, harold,

you must.

This is kind of a, sort of,

antique roadkill show

kind of a deal,

where lodge members come in

and see if they're sitting

on the family jewels or

just a cheap imitation.

Our expert dalton humphrey is

gonna tell 'em which one it is.

Dalton.

Well, thank you, red,

and I'm here with mike hamar

who is here thanks to

the parole board.

Thanks dalton.

I got this here

thing to show you.

Yeah, my mom won

this in 1966

when she was crowned

miss nude america.

And this was the first place

trophy, was it, mike?

Yeah.

This cup with the religious

inscriptions all over it?

Latin engraving of

the life of

st. Ignatius?

Yeah, well, it was

donated by the pope.

Oh, the pope.

Well, not 'the' pope,

but, like, a pope,

uh-huh.

Kinda like an

assistant pope.

The archbishop?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, he donated

it to the contest

because, you know, he thought

the contest was sinful,

and he hoped, like, a

beautiful religious thing

would make everyone reject sin

and 'prostate' themselves

before their maker

and, you know,

beg forgiveness,

kind of like a heavenly

parole hearing.

And the archbishop that

donated this, do you

remember his name?

Ah, dave.

Dave.

Well, now, archbishop dave

had excellent taste

because this is a lovely

silver and gold piece,

and it is exactly like

the one in st. Michael's

church in port asbestos.

No kidding.

Yes.

It's a silver and gold cup

that is used to hold

holy water, mike;

a cup that was originally

worth $2,000.

That was in 1937,

so this is a cup

that is worth now

perhaps over $50,000.

Yes, it's a cup that

the good parishioners of the

church saved for many, many

years to be able to buy.

It's a cup that has been at that

church and been a source of

faith and pride for well

over half a century.

This is a cup that

they would really

like to get back!

(weeping)

mike,

mike, you're crying.

Yeah.

Mike, why are

you crying?

'cause I'm

gonna be rich.

I was a little late arriving

for my adventure with bill

this week.

Anyway, okay, he's good.

How you doing bill?

What's going on today?

Bill's got a bit of a

carnival planned, I heard.

I thought only women had

darts in their clothes.

All right. I can throw a dart.

Oh, my gosh, used to do

this down at the old

sideshow there,

my mom used to work there.

There you go,

three for three.

Give it a try bill.

Are they sharp darts, bill?

I don't think so.

No, try another one.

Oh, boy! Oh!

Oh, my gosh.

I don't know

what that was.

All right, the old

wooden milk bottles.

This is a lot of fun.

Take a softball and fire them

at the milk bottles, and they

all come crashing down.

Not bad.

That's half a prize.

You have a go, bill.

I guess those were real --

well, what else we got?

Got any more

events there, bill?

Oh, oh, I know

what this is.

This is the strong man

and the hammer and --

sledge hammer.

See you in a minute.

I don't know about bill and

ladders. I don't think he

understands the concept.

He's got a little ring there.

He's got that welded on there,

and it sits on the 4x4,

and when you slam on the

end of the 4x4,

the chain rushes up the pole...

Well, you figure it out!

Okay, give 'er a go.

Want me to try?

Oh, yeah, look at that.

I want a bit of that again.

That was fun.

Look out, bill.

I'm gonna do it again.

I'm goin' again.

Bill, I'm goin' again.

All right. All right.

You go. You go.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

A-w-w-w, that's too bad.

He doesn't have the

sort of arm strength.

That's a shame.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh! Ow! Geesh!

Okay. No, I'm fine.

That's fine.

That's good. It's good.

Okay, bill, give it a try.

I'll stand back a bit.

My gosh, look at this.

He's going for it.

He's going for it.

Look at that, and he's got it.

What prize have we

got for him?

Oh, a mirror.

Oh, what a fun day.

A-a-a-h!

(tuba playing)

(applause)

thank you very much.

(tuba continues playing)

hey, hey, hey!

Ow!

Kind of an odd echo

in this part of the lodge.

Anyway, things are really

comin' together with our

pardi gras parade thing.

We got our figurehead.

Got our pamplemousse,

the prince of the

pardi gras parade.

Come on, pamplemousse.

Come on in.

Harold:  No!

Come on,

pamplemousse.

Harold:  No!

Come on, everyone

loves a pamplemousse

come on.

Come on.

Here we go.

(cheers and applause)

give 'em the speech.

Give 'em the speech.

Say it.

Say it.

Say it.

I am proud to wear the

ceremonial costume of

the great pamplemousse,

protector of all

pardi grassers.

Very good.

Very good.

Now, harold, the way I

understand the legend,

to wear a ceremonial

garb like that,

you have to be a virgin.

You may be overqualified.

Don't worry about it.

I'll be okay.

It's all right.

I'm guessing you'll be able

to wear that for the rest

of your life.

Anyway, I got my horn,

I got my pamplemousse,

and I'm ready to rock.

Let's go, harold.

I forgot to go to the bathroom

before I put the costume on.

Oh, harold, harold, harold,

there's 137 tubas,

you'll think

of somethin'.

This is the repair shop

part of the show we call,

"if it ain't broke,

you're not trying."

buzz sherwood is here with

something for us to fix.

Whoa!! Red,

man, whoa!

You know, buzz, I didn't

hear your plane land here.

Did you drive to

the lodge today?

No, man, I flew,

but I had to land

without the propeller

'cause I ran out

of gas, right?

Yeah, so I had to um --

what's that when you land the

plane without the propeller?

I do it all

the time.

Glide?

Crash!

So, right, I got you

a toaster here

'cause, like,

it's stuck.

You got some bread

stuck in there?

Oh, man, all my

bread's in there.

What the heck is

that in there?

My wallet.

All my bread's

in there, man.

I mean, I can't even go

out and buy a new toaster.

All right, well,

let's plug her in.

Cool.

How did you get your wallet

stuck in the toaster, buzz?

I have no idea.

All right.

You know, sometimes with these

older toasters there's a little

adjustment you can make --

no, that's right.

It's the other side.

Whoa, flashbacks!

(laughter and applause)

yeah.

You know, buzz, sometimes in

life, you have to make a choice.

Sure, sure.

You can have the toaster,

or you can have the wallet.

You can't have both.

Wallet.

Good choice.

Oh, man, my wallet.

It's -- it's --

it's toast.

All right. I hate to

be a pardi gras pooper,

but that was bad.

How ironic that mardi gras is

pancake day, and harold was

the one to get pancaked.

Let me start by saying

it's very easy to underestimate

the steepness of a hill.

And, in fairness, floats were

never made to reach those

kinds of speeds.

Now, luckily the impact

didn't hurt harold

because, of course,

he was airborne by then.

And I think if I had had a

little more time to think,

I could've caught him rather

than just shield myself

with my tuba like that.

This was all I could save.

I tell you, it broke my heart

to see harold all wrapped

up in that tuba,

somersaulting down the

main street like that.

And I never really

meant to hurt him.

This is a sad, sad day.

(applause)

I'm so sorry, harold.

You?!

It's all right.

I forgive you.

Really?

Yeah.

You know, that takes

a lot of brass.

Just a warning...

Don't open my spit valve.

Harold, I think it's only

right that you have this.

Thank you.

Okay.

(possum call)

was that me?

No, no, no.

It was the meeting.

Oh, it's

meeting time?

You go ahead, harold. I'll be

down in a  minute, all right?

Okay.

Are you all right there?

We'll know

more tomorrow.

(sour tuba note)

that was me.

(applause)

if my wife is watching,

I'll be comin' straight

home after the meeting.

I'm gonna be

bringing harold home.

If we can't cure him,

at least we can get him tuned.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself, harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

[captions performed by

caption resource center]

harold:  Okay, here he comes!

Take your seats.

Here he comes.

All rise!

Everyone:

Quando omni

flunkus moritati.

Red:  Sit down.

Harold:  Okay, we just got the

one announcement this week.

Um, buster hadfield's

dog has run away again.

It's the 47th time this year,

there's no

description available.

Buster says the dog's

run away so many times,

he's forgotten what it

looks like from the front.

It's funny how people

get to resemble their

pets, isn't it?

Oh, I thought I'd found him.