New Yorkshire Pudding/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, all the great

chefs in the world are men.

There's the guy

with the hat

and the "bam" guy

and the funny guy.

So I would think that most

men would like to cook.

I mean, you get

to use lots of tools

and you can eat your mistakes

or at least your dog can

and you don't have to buy

any of those fancy

kitchen gadgets,

you can use the equipment

you already have.

Like why would

you need a mixer

if you already

have a drill?

You reload your nail gun

with toothpicks...

You're ready to make

hors d'oeuvres.

Where are you going,

you weiner?

And here's a dandy,

you know they advertise

these home vacuum-packing

systems for food on t.V.

And the salesman says if you

don't get one of these

for your wife,

you're almost like a --

like a war criminal.

But hey, I already have

a vacuum cleaner.

All I got to do

is suck the air out

of the bag.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you.

All right.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

No, no.

I appreciate that.

Thank you very much.

You know what this is?

These are called

yorkshire puddings.

I made these.

Don't worry, I haven't

crossed over or anything.

Just a little business

deal I'm working on.

Bernice and I were out at

a seafood restaurant

the other night

and wouldn't you know it,

they're out of steak.

So I got to take a walk

on the wild side

and order roast beef

and it comes with

one of these yorkshire

pudding deals on the side.

I thought a wasp nest had

dropped off of one of

the ceiling tiles.

You knit's kind

of doughy on the outside,

nothing on the inside

sort of like

a lodge member.

So that's when my

entrepreneurial mind kicks in.

You know, in our town,

we got four doughnut shops,

three muffin outlets

and a bagel factory,

but so far nobody's had

the smarts to open up

a yorkshire pudding

drive thru.

Uncle red?

Yeah?

Did you want

to see me?

Yeah, I need your

brain for something.

Ahh... Thank you

very much.

I figure you're

not using it so...

Harold, do you know

what that is?

Oh yeah, yeah.

I've been

to a horse farm.

Harold, I made

these myself.

You must eat

a lot of oats.

It's a yorkshire pudding,

harold, okay?

This is the next

big thing for me.

I've already got a retired

athlete as a spokesperson.

Oh, let me guess...

Seabiscuit?

Harold, I got

"gump" gorbachek.

Wow.

Wow, who's he?

He's a hockey --

he's a great

hockey player, harold.

He's the best left-handed,

one-legged defenseman

that ever played for the

port asbestos aspirators,

that's who he is.

Okay, I just thought

that a celebrity

was supposed

to be famous.

I never heard

of "gump" gorbachek.

Well, you probably

know him as bob.

They call him bob but

his real name's "gump."

bob?

I know that guy.

I know him.

Oh yeah, he's a big

hairy guy, no front teeth.

Yeah, they call

him "puckface."

well, close enough

and the missing

front teeth

is one of the things

I like about him

because his smile

makes it look like

our yorkshire puddings

are easy to chew.

Uncle red, you know

nothing about creating

a restaurant franchise.

I have a plan.

Oh really, and

what might that be?

My plan is to think

of something brilliant.

Never happen.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner receives

this coupon for a free jar

of farmer dan's

moisturizing cream

made entirely

out of pig fat.

For women who want

their face

to be as smooth

as a football.

All right, mike,

cover your ears.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get mike hamar

to say this word...

All right, winston.

And go!

Okay mike, when

you were a kid

your grandma

always needed a...

Breath mint.

Okay.

This is something

that your mother

would give you

to make you

feel better...

Rye.

Okay, no.

Okay.

What's it called when

one person wraps their arms

around another person

and holds on tight?

A citizen's arrest.

No, okay.

This is something a lot

of men would like to exchange,

but they feel

they just can't.

Wives?

All right.

Say one night you're

feeling romantic

and to get things started

you give your girlfriend a...

Twenty.

Almost out

of time here, red.

Okay, okay mike.

If you ever meet

your real dad,

you'll probably want

to give him one of these...

Oh, a paternity test.

Well you know,

just to be sure.

I mean the last

time I saw him

I was still

in huggies.

Yes!

You know, if you want

to invite friends

over to your house

but it's too small

or your friends

are too large,

you've got two options.

Move to a bigger place

or put an addition

on your current one.

Now, I don't know a lot

about buying real estate...

But I do have an idea for an

addition that's fast, easy,

and best of all,

requires no construction.

That's right,

we're talking "pre-fab."

now, "pre-fab" comes

from the latin phrase,

"prefabricatamus."

"pre" means "before"

and I believe "fabricatamus"

means "think things through."

so before you

think things through,

get yourself a few

rolls of duct tape

and a little imagination.

Oh yeah and a bus.

Hope you're not thinking

things through,

remember, "pre-fab."

now, this is probably not

the ideal seating

configuration for

your guests

unless it's the playoffs

so we're going to just

rearrange the seats.

Heads up!

Glad that

wasn't my chain saw.

Fore!

Okay, after you carefully

remove the bolts

you can start

rearranging the seats.

For example, if your guests

want to stay overnight,

you need to give them

somewhere to sleep.

Oh sure, they could just

sleep on the seats,

but with a touch

of creativity,

we can give them something

a little more comfortable.

And the built-in bedsides

prevent them from falling out

and prevent you

from seeing something

you're not supposed to.

And of course, this unit

has an ensuite bathroom.

But here again

a couple of seats

placed just right

are going to give your

guests a little privacy

and prevent you

from seeing something

you really

don't want to.

Okay, as you can see,

I've put up some

classical pieces of art here,

instead of all the ads

'cause you don't

need people selling you

stuff in your own home.

Unless it's on tv,

which I fully support.

I also recommend you keep

a couple of these chrome poles

just in case an

exotic dancer drops by.

Who am I kidding?

Turn them into pole lamps.

Of course, the key

to the whole design

is to have the bus door

line up with the house door.

It makes them

separate yet together,

kind of like

canada and quebec.

I guess that makes

these french doors.

Oh, here's

another bonus...

Your dog can

let himself out.

And the dining area

is really spectacular.

Well, maybe not spectacular,

rectangular probably

a better word.

Here again, we just move

a bus seat here or there

line them up just so,

throw a folding table into

the centre of the configuration

and suddenly, it's not

just a dining table,

it's a booth.

And the nice thing about

eating here

is you don't have to shout

yourself hoarse calling

everybody to dinner.

Next stop, supper.

But you got to admit

this "pre-fab" addition

has a lot of

attractive features.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

And here's the best part,

if you have guests arrive

who aren't particularly welcome,

you just hit the gas

and turn this addition

into a subtraction.

[ applause ]

there's a poker craze

going on tv right now

that brings out

mixed emotions for me.

On the one hand, knowing

that millions of people

are willing to watch

six ugly, fat guys

gives me renewed hope

for the success of our show.

On the other hand,

a lot of these people

who are watching are women

and they're getting to see

something very dangerous,

men bluffing.

Pretty soon they'll

become experts

because that's

what women do.

They'll become experts

on figuring out when

men are bluffing.

And not just any man,

I'm talking about you and me.

Once our women can spot

when we're bluffing,

life as we know it

will be over.

They'll know stuff like

when we're right we

just quiet down

and let them talk themselves

into our little trap

but when we have nothing,

that's when we come out

with guns blazing.

And you can forget the tricks

you see on those poker shows.

Pulling your cowboy hat

down over your face

or wearing glasses with

eyeballs painted on them

isn't going to fool

that certain lady.

She'll read you

like a book

and book you

like a repeat offender.

Women have no sympathy

for a bluffer, so don't bluff.

I suggest you fold 'em

or you'll never

get to hold 'em.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

think you're too busy

to have your septic

system serviced?

Maybe it's time to stop...

[ sniffs ]

and smell the hoses.

[ applause ]

oh, ho, ho, ho, ho...

Ha!

Hey, don't eat any more

of those yorkshire

puddings, harold!

Deal.

They're not ready yet.

I've got to put the

chocolate glaze on them.

Oh, okay.

So how did the

press conference go?

Not real well.

That gump sure

swears a lot.

Mind you, you know,

with the teeth missing

it's hard to tell.

But it gut so bad I had

to use the "f" word

on him.

Fired.

Well, that's too bad.

Oh boy because gump's

yorkshire puddings

had such a natural ring

to it, too, didn't it?

I can see --

I can just see the logo, too.

It'd be like gump's

big scar-ridden face

with a yorkshire pudding

jammed in the gap

of his smile.

Well, harold, we got

something even better now.

You know, how they

have new york fries,

new york sirloin?

How about new yorkshire

puddings, huh?

Gives the product kind

of a new york, new york

kind of feel.

Oh yeah, if you

can eat 'em here,

you can eat

'em anywhere.

Red, red, there's

a real bad smell

coming from the lodge.

It's like

hot sneakers or...

Well, you're right

about the hot part.

It's my new chocolate-glazed

yorkshire puddings.

Do you want

to try one?

Huh? Huh?

Yeah, no, yeah!

Here let me put a little

more chocolate on

that for you.

There you go,

try that?

Mmm? Yeah?

Not bad 'eh?

Not bad.

The boys have decided

to do a little

bird watching

out in the...

Oh, easy, easy, easy.

Tripods and bill are

not compatible.

So bill and winston had

the fancy camera gear

and ed was a little

more lowbrow.

So they start assembling

their camera.

They're going to go off

and find the --

ed just wanted to stay --

let's just stay here

and let the birds come to us

but no, that

wasn't in the works.

So, yeah, go, go.

So he gets over there

and by now bill and winston

are starting to

assemble these telescopic

telephoto lens-type things

and ed is, I say, going

a little lower-end on his

and they start making fun

of his but of course,

you know,

he has the flash.

So the two pros head off

into the woods

and mister amateur

falls along behind

with his disposable --

and also with his camera.

He can't see

where they're --

the trouble is they're

looking through the cameras.

They can't always see

where they're going.

Look down,

look down, ed.

And they went right over

the edge of the cliff.

Now, ed is planning

to help them but first,

this is a kodak

moment, is it not?

So later that day,

bill and winston

are working hard and

choreographing all their moves

and all of a sudden both

of them together spot

the same bird.

Which, at this point, I

guess is a spotted owl

would it not be?

Yes, indeed.

Oh, they were pretty close.

And it's rarely seen

except for k-mart.

So now they got a big

laugh out of it

and try the bird calls.

And he's --

no, he's getting an answer.

He's getting an --

what is that, ohhh...

Gosh.

Oh I see where

the answer is --

you're talking

to each other, bird boys.

Yeah,

that's the problem.

Meanwhile, ed goes

back to plan a.

He just drops the

birdseed down there.

Might as well

give her the --

yeah, go for it.

And he's got

the binoculars.

He's just gonna stay focused

on where he expects to

see some birds.

So now, they're

trying the duck calls

and they're getting

a response from --

it's like a mallard

or something.

Oh no, it's just

another duck decoy.

Meanwhile, ed has been gazing

in the sun too long.

He's asleep and they

spend the whole day

and do not see

one bird.

You know, one of

the downsides of the

home shopping channel

is that a lot of people

are baking their own

bread these days.

Oh sure, the bread machines

can knead the dough

and bake the bread,

but can they slice it?

No.

And just ripping

the loaf in half

or biting the end off

is not acceptable if

you have company.

So what do you do?

Well, I say

don't have company,

but bernice says otherwise.

So you do what

your ancestors did...

You get out your autoharp.

Now, the autoharp is

a traditional instrument,

very popular for the first

two weeks of August in 1963.

It looks like somebody mated

a banjo and a washboard

but it sounds like they

mated a couple of cats.

Okay, for my purposes,

I hacked the back out

of this unit.

You might wonder how I could do

that to a valuable instrument

but hey, it's harold's.

Anyway, we don't

need an instrument,

we need a tool.

You might say this is the

greatest thing since...

Man, don't you hate

when that happens?

And for my next number,

here's a little

thing by bread.

♪ if the women don't

find you handsome ♪

♪ they should at least

find you handy ♪

well, that's it

for today's show.

Oh no you don't!

No, no, no!

You explain to them

what happened!

You tell them.

Go, go, go!

Nobody cares, harold.

No, of course not but no,

I think you have to go

through the experience

of confessing --

well, explaining

what went wrong

so we can all learn

from your mistakes.

Okay, well maybe not all.

I mean everybody but you.

All right, the new

yorkshire puddings

were not a hit.

Okay, even though we

had a great slogan,

"a taste of new york."

which was true, you know,

if you include the east river.

He made like

a thousand of these.

I said that was too

much for a test run.

I said that was too

much for a test run.

Well, you got to prepare

for success, harold.

Not around here,

you don't.

So, you know,

by four o'clock

we'd roughly sold...

None.

So we went

to "plan b."

tell them what "plan b" was.

Tell them what "plan b" was.

We sold them

as animal feed.

To what kind

of animals?

Horses.

Horses, yes!

And how did that go?

Not great.

No.

The problem was

a pile of fresh ones

look identical to

a pile of eaten ones.

This is not

helping, harold.

It's helping me.

Anyway, we're just getting

to the good part --

getting to the good part.

The good part?

We dumped them all

into the possum lake.

Yeah... And?

And they floated?

Yes!

Well, don't be shy.

The yorkshire puddings,

they absorbed the dangerous

layer of toxins

that have been forming

atop of possum lake

since shortly after

the lodge opened.

Really?

I mean, yeah?

You know what,

yeah, of course,

that was my plan,

always my plan.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Well, see your greedy little

plan to make yourself rich

resulted in you helping

clean up the environment.

That's right, harold

and you got nothing

to be critical about.

I see nothing

to criticize.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time, harold.

Meeting time.

Away you go.

Okay, if my

wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting

and I keep getting the same

lesson over and over

in my life...

I look for the fast

and the easy

and I end up coming

home to you.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay guys,

everybody c'mon in.

Sit down.

Everybody sit down.

C'mon guys, take your seats.

Sit down in the back there.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man

but I can change

if I have to

I guess.

All right, men, due to some

recent developments

I am now selling my new

yorkshire puddings

as an environmental

cleanup initiative.

You just buy 'em

and you thrown them out.

They're only $4.95 a dozen

and I'm urging you

to think green.

I know I am.

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