Red Green Does New Years/Transcript

Opening Scene
''{Red stands outside the lodge behind a worktable. He is screwing something into something else.}''

RED GREEN: I know we all want to celebrate New Year's, but when you're alone, there's a real danger of going over the line between harmless indiscretion and serious jail time. And that line is usually connected to the amount and frequency of your alcohol intake. 'Cause, see, when you're alone, you don't have an alcohol consumption consultant nearby, like, say, a policeman or a member of the clergy, or the ultimate authority, your own wife. {straightens out a cord} Here's something you can do to stop yourself from drinking too much. {holds up an opened-up clock radio} Open up your clock radio. Break into the snooze control circuit. Not hard to find. {points with index finger} Just keep touching wires and pushing the snooze button. You'll find the right ones in no time.

{Red takes the clock radio and walks over to a soda vending machine.}

RED GREEN: Now, the way a snooze alarm works normally is, {puts clock radio on top of vending machine} you press a button; it shuts the radio off for an hour. {opens up vending machine} But for our purposes, I'm gonna splice into the dispensing circuit on this pop machine...

''{Red tries to disconnect a wire on the circuit the machine. Suddenly, there is a big explosion of sparks from the circuit. Red recoils from the shock and finishes plugging the radio wire into the vending machine circuit.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, uh, you might wanna unplug her first, but I don't have that kind of time. {closes up vending machine} Okay, now what happens is, you take all the pop out of there, replace it with cans of your favorite fermented beverage. All right. Now it's New Year's. You feel like a brewskie? You press a button, which also activates the snooze control.

''{Red pushes a button on the vending machine. A can of beer comes out into the open compartment near the bottom. Red takes it.}''

RED GREEN: And now you can't have another beer for an hour! {looks at can of beer; suddenly looks disappointed} Happy New Year.

Intro
''{The lodge is decked out for New Year's Eve. Red and Harold enter the lodge, waving to the audience. Harold is wearing a party hat and blowing a party streamer. They walk up a little closer to the camera, and Harold dances and grooves in place. Red tries to wave down the audience's applause.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. {Harold makes "raise-the-roof" motions with his hands} Thank you, by golly. All right now. {applause dies down} We, uh... We appreciate that. Welcome to our New Year's special. Never done a New Year's special before. I'm sure that'll become painfully obvious in the not-too-distant future.

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head} Don't listen to him! I don't. {giggles} We have a great show for you! It's just our way of helping you bring in the new year.

RED GREEN: Yeah, that's right. You know, and if there's anybody out there who's maybe over forty or you got a couple kids and you wanna kinda celebrate, y'know, New Year's early and be in bed sawing by the time midnight comes around... {laughs} Boy, I envy you!

{Harold blows the party streamer right in Red's ear to get his attention.}

HAROLD GREEN: There's that wet blanket thing again. {to camera} Listen, you just do whatever works for you, okay? We just wanna make sure that you look forward to a happy new year!

RED GREEN: Well, that's all I'm saying, 'cause they may have had a crappy old year. That's all– That's the only...

{Harold blows the party streamer in Red's ear again.}

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no. Uncle Red, this is– this is New Year's! It's a time of expectations and optimism, you know? Can we see a little enthusiasm and excitement, please? {looks nervous}

RED GREEN: No, I... You know, Harold, I don't like excitement, you know? Excitement ends up in the hospital. {nods} Sometimes the maternity ward. {moves arms around} But I think, you know, if we work together, we'll get through this just fine.

HAROLD GREEN: NOT gonna get through it!

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: We're going to celebrate it!

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right.

HAROLD GREEN: It's New Year's! We're gonna celebrate! {serious tone} I wanna see some enthusiasm right now!

RED GREEN: {hesitantly} Okay, all right. Uh... {to camera} Okay, um... All right, let's, uh... {holds up fist} let's whoop it up. Let's whoop it up, and, uh, let's... Hey, let's party. Let's party. There we go. Let's party. {looks at Harold}

HAROLD GREEN: That's it?

RED GREEN: That was it.

HAROLD GREEN: {mimicking Red's holding up fist} Whoop it up?

RED GREEN: Whoop it up.

HAROLD GREEN: Whoop? Oh, we're goin' nuts, huh? Whoop it up! Well, we gotta go! {dances, grooves and raps} C'mon, you gotta– let's go! Come on, it's time to par-tay, my peeps! {crosses arms in front of him as he still grooves} See? {Red stares} Come on! {continues to groove for a few more seconds, grins and nods head}

RED GREEN: Where did we go wrong with you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it was all those years of not getting the respect I deserved.

RED GREEN: You got what you deserved, it just wasn't respect, that's all.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

''{The camera pulls back to reveal Winston standing behind the card table where Harold and Dalton Humphrey are seated. Harold applauds. Winston nods and holds up a flyer for some place.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Today's winner receives a free tuxedo rental from Featherstone's Funeral Home. {looks at flyer} Tuxedo not available on Saturdays. {puts flyer down and picks up word sign} Okay, Dalton, cover your ears. {Dalton does so} Harold, you have thirty seconds to get Dalton Humphrey to say this word... {turns sign around to show audience; word is...} "Kiss". {puckers lips and makes kissing sound} "Kiss". {sets sign down}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, okay.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And go! {Dalton uncovers his ears}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, alright, Mr. Dalton! Um, this is something that you and your wife share on New Year's.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Cab fare.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, um, okay. It's New Year's Eve and you're dancing and it's midnight, and all you want is a...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...back pill.

HAROLD GREEN: All right, you know what? Let's forget New Year's. {Dalton waves dismissively} Forget New Year's! It's gone! Okay, all right, this morning, when you left the house, um, you gave your wife...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Ohhh! {laughs} Time to cool off! {laughs again}

HAROLD GREEN: {makes circling motion with hand} Further back! Let's go further back, a little further back. Um, okay, okay! When you said your wedding vows, the minister told you to...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...reconsider.

HAROLD GREEN: Reconsider? That's so bizarre.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {looking at his watch} Harold, you're running out of time!

HAROLD GREEN: Okay! All right! Okay, alright, um, Mr. Dalton, let's see... The last time you had a romantic evening with your wife, what did you do?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, I went to that new restaurant in Port Asbestos! {Harold groans} There's twenty bucks I can kiss goodbye.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh!

''{Harold rings the bell on the table to end the game. Winston points at Dalton and gives him the flyer.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, thanks!

New Year's Resolutions: Dwight Cardiff
''{Dwight sits in a reclining chair in a corner of the lodge. He holds a piece of paper.}''

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Red asked me to jot down a few of my New Year's resolutions and share 'em with ya. I'm gonna have to do some of these from memory; I wrote down a couple and I dropped the pen. {clears throat; glances at paper} On a personal side, I'm gonna focus more of my free time on art and literature. So I'm getting a satellite dish and some of those books-on-tape. {glances at paper again} I'm also planning to discontinue the service side of the marina. Dealing with people whose boats aren't working is just not an enjoyable way to make a living. A lot of them expect the boats to be fixed promptly and properly. They don't seem to realize it's my summer, too. So, starting this year, we're gonna specialize in sales only. If you want to buy a boat from me, it's cash up front and no test drives. We also don't honor any more factory warranties. They should build them better in the first place. {glances at paper again} And finally, I'm gonna try and cut down on my work hours. Last year, I tried that forty-hour thing, but that worked out to over three hours a month. {looks at his watch} Oh! It's nap time! {closes eyes and lies back in the chair, rocking}

Handyman Corner
{Red pushes along a wheelbarrow overflowing with various junk, including some hockey sticks, a ladder, and a trombone.}

RED GREEN: I had a bit of a car accident this morning. You know, I used to be able to drive standard transmission, no problem. {shakes one leg} But now, with the trick knee...

''{Red shakes his head. He pushes the wheelbarrow up to a car lying on top of a playground roundabout. The handles have been smashed down because of the car. The front wheels are sticking out on the ground.}''

RED GREEN: This is one of those spinning playground rides. Luckily, there were no kids around. They'd already been on it for five minutes, so they were over in the bushes, barfing. {climbs up on roundabout and opens car door} Good thing Dalton wasn't with me. {climbs into car, closes door and starts it up} This is his car.

''{Red pushes down on the accelerator. The front wheels spin wildly and push the car around on the roundabout. But the car doesn't actually come off the roundabout. Red stops the car and gets out.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah, she's jammed on there pretty good. She spins around in a circle. But I'm thinking, "Hey, wait a minute. This is New Year's Eve." {gestures toward car} And this rotating car can be converted into a dandy noisemaker. {gestures toward wheelbarrow full of junk} I got everything right here. {picks up a stereo speaker from atop the pile} Anybody with half a brain can do this.

''{Red takes the speaker and is about to walk over to the car when he stops briefly and looks at the camera perplexedly. He then continues to walk up to the car. Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped to the roof of the car both the speaker and a stereo it connects to. Sitting nearby, an 8-track is plugged into the stereo.}''

RED GREEN: You gotta have music at midnight, so I hooked up this speaker to the 8-track, and right at the stroke of twelve, {holds up 8-track} we're gonna be listening to "Auld Lang Syne", played by Guy Linguini and His Royal Custodians. {sets 8-track back down} But mainly, what we need is noise. {gestures toward one front wheel, which has a tambourine duct-taped to it} So I've attached a tambourine to my drive wheel. {gestures toward car wipers which have maracas duct-taped to the tips} Meanwhile, I got maracas playing "Wipeout" on the windshield. {gestures toward tailpipe, which has trombone placed inside it and duct-taped to it} And as a special treat, I wedged a trombone into the tailpipe. Not often you see a car with a horn in the back. I guess it's a guy thing.

''{Red gets back into the car and starts it up again. The slide on the trombone in the tailpipe flies out of the trombone, making a trombone note as it does so. Red stops the car again and gets back out.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, that's a good start. But when it comes to being annoying, {closes door and wipes hands together} we've only begun to scratch the surface.

''{Red picks up the ladder, lying nearby. Wipe to a later scene. Red aims the ladder at the back seat doors of the car. He then throws it through like a spear. One of the back seat doors' windows, however, is closed. As the ladder shoots through, it shatters this window. The ladder is now sitting across the width of the back seat, sticking out on both sides. Red looks somewhat disappointed. Wipe again. Red duct-tapes a hockey stick to one end of the ladder. Wipe once more. Red now stands behind some snow fence, which surrounds his car-turned-noisemaker.}''

RED GREEN: Snow fence is the perfect addition to a New Year's party, because it's just like the guests. It stands around, looking goofy, and then when you need it, it falls over. {walks up to hockey stick sticking out of car and bumping up against fence} Hopefully, it'll be as noisy as the guests, too, especially once these hockey sticks start raking across it. {smiles} I think it's time for a test run. I got 'er in gear, {pulls remote starter out of pocket} and I hooked up this remote starter, so I don't even have to be in the car when it starts spinning. {nods} I pretty well thought of everything!

''{Red starts toward the fence to leave. Suddenly, however, he stops. He shakes the fence slightly.}''

RED GREEN: Hmm...

''{Red goes over to on one post attached to the fence. He climbs up on top of it and towards the top of the fence. Once at the top, he swings his leg over the fence and brings it down. He suddenly sits down on the fence, right on his groin. He winces in pain. Wipe to a later scene. Red has finally made entirely to the other side of the fence. He keels over in pain, but stands upright after a moment.}''

RED GREEN: All right. No, I'm fine. It's an embarrassing place to have a bruise, but after 35 years of marriage, sadly, no one's gonna notice. {suddenly cheerful} All right! Let's pretend it's midnight. Let's do the countdown together. Three, two, one. Happy New Year!

''{Red turns to his noisemaker and pushes his remote starter. The car starts up and the wheels start spinning. The instruments on the car, together with the 8-track in the speaker, all play "Auld Lang Syne". Meanwhile, as the wheels start spinning, the car on the roundabout spins as well. As it spins, the hockey sticks on the ladder runs across the snow fence, making clicking sounds as it does so. Red smiles at the camera and then looks at the car. He suddenly looks shocked. The car has run off the roundabout and drives off, driverless, taking the snow fence with it. Red runs after the car a few seconds, but as it drives off, he stops and throws the remote starter aside. He then slowly walks off, his hands in his pockets.}''

Talking Animals
''{Red and Ed Frid stand in the lodge, behind a table. There is a huge object covered in a cloth on the table.}''

RED GREEN: You know, in honor of New Year's, we decided to have a special presentation by local animal control officer Ed Frid. {to Ed} Ed, tell everybody what brought you here, eh?

ED FRID: Well, I was asked to make a presentation involving animals, one that would kick off the new year to a good start, and, uh... {nods hesitantly} I think I've done that.

RED GREEN: {somewhat concerned} You don't seem very enthused, Ed.

ED FRID: Well, Red, normally, this is my vacation time. A time to be away from animals. A time to reflect and review the results of my various medical tests.

RED GREEN: {twisting his fingers together} How did those medical tests go?

ED FRID: Well, the flea and tick thing turned out to be nothing. {Red nods} That's, uh... And the hoof-and-mouth came back negative. {Red nods again; voice breaks slightly} Rabies is the big one. We're all hoping for the best.

RED GREEN: {shrugs} To me, that's all the more reason to have a big celebration now, so... {gestures toward audience} tell us about it.

ED FRID: Okay. Well, I thought it would be a good omen to release a flock of doves to start off the new year. {Red smiles and nod} You see, the dove has been a symbol of peace since the days of Noah's Ark, when it returned to the ship with an olive branch {shapes hands like a bird's feet} in its claws. {nods}

RED GREEN: Yeah, actually, you know, you owe– you owe a lot to Noah, because his ark saved all the animals from being extinct.

ED FRID: {nods vigorously} I hate Noah!

RED GREEN: Okay, all right, okay, all right, you know what? {makes circling motion with hand} Let's– Let's not– Let's not dwell on the negative here, Ed. {Ed nods in agreement} Let's just get on with our presentation, eh? Is there anything I can do to help release the doves?

ED FRID: {reaches hand out toward back of room} I recommend you stand well back.

RED GREEN: Okay...

ED FRID: And cover your eyes with something.

RED GREEN: Okay...

ED FRID: Preferably something harder than a dove's beak. {Red steps back slightly} And once they get up in the air, you know, they get easily excited, so {looks up at ceiling} I wouldn't stand under them.

RED GREEN: {waving with both hands} Well, we're all ready, so... {throws arm up} let's release the doves!

ED FRID: {annoyed} Yeah, we don't go when you're ready; we go when I'm ready? Yeah? {nods}

RED GREEN: Okay, sorry, Ed, yeah.

ED FRID: Thought we had an understanding here, Red.

RED GREEN: {throws up arms again} Okay, no!

ED FRID: Okay.

RED GREEN: {holds hands out in front of him} Okay, we're good. We go when you're ready.

ED FRID: All right.

RED GREEN: {standing behind cloth on table} Let these doves mark the beginning of a peaceful and prosperous New Year!

''{Ed quickly pulls off the cloth. Underneath it is a huge bird cage. But there are no doves in it. Instead, there is a cat and some assorted bits of dove feathers. The cat looks around. Ed looks at the cat, surprised. Red walks away from the cage, but glances over his shoulder to look at it again}''

New Year's Resolutions: Winston Rothschild
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {walking alongside sewage truck} New Year's resolutions? Yeah, I got a few. I've always got a few. {puts a pump extension on truck; picks up shovel} See, my mentor and personal guru, Anthony Anthony, {puts shovel on running board on truck} he's adamant about the importance of self-improvement, and he's made a lot of money making guys like me a better person. {takes out a pink paper and looks at it} Okay, this year, I wanna try and not be so judgmental. {folds up paper} Yeah. You know, sometimes, people are disrespectful of me, and I think it's because {gestures toward truck} they see the septic sucking business I have and the dried sewage encrusted on the hoses, {shrugs} and naturally, they're jealous! {walks back the other way past truck} See, not everyone can be an entrepreneur. Not everyone can be a success. Not everyone can suck cess. And I have to accept that. I have to be sensitive to their pain, in their boring office jobs with no future and not even a whiff of the kinda life I have. {turns off a valve on the truck} So, no matter what they call me, I will not retaliate. I'm gonna rise above it. And that's important, you know, 'cause in the sewage business, you have to be able to rise above it. Happy New Year! {climbs into truck}

The Experts
{The camera slowly zooms in on Mike.}

MIKE HAMAR: We now come to that portion of the show where we address those three little words that men find so hard to say:

''{Mike is revealed to be sitting on a chair, with a table in front of it. Next to his chair, Red and Dalton are sitting on a car-themed couch.}''

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW! {headlights on car couch light up with each word}

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, uh, today's letter reads as follows: {reads letter} "Dear Experts: All my life, I've sung "Auld Lang Syne" every New Year's. It makes me very emotional. Often, I weep. My question is, what the heck is the song about?"

RED GREEN: Well, I have no idea, but it's Scottish, so it's probably "sad".

MIKE HAMAR: {holds up index finger} It's the bagpipes. Whenever I hear bagpipes, it brings me to tears.

RED GREEN: Yeah, me, too. I smile when they stop, though.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, it's obvious that you two know nothing about Scotland. For example, did you know that in Scotland, New Year's is more popular than Christmas?

MIKE HAMAR: Is that because they don't have to buy presents?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no, no, it's because New Year's in Scotland predates Christianity. It's not even called New Year's, it's called hogmanay. It means "the moon of the hag".

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I don't think the moon from a hag would be something I'd ever want to see.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, no, no. It refers to a date, Mike. It's kind of a superstitious thing. It's– It's bad luck to make a marriage proposal or to break glass or to spin flax or to carry out the rubbish.

RED GREEN: I feel that way every day.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, right at the stroke of midnight, they fling open the windows and doors to let out the old year and drive out the bad dogs of the underworld.

RED GREEN: Oh, so they tell the neighbors to go home?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no, and then much later, their bands of roving men called wassails {pronounces it "was-sales"} go from house to house, carrying a big bowl of alcohol and asking for money.

MIKE HAMAR: Wassails, I've heard of that.

RED GREEN: Well, sure you have. You know, Mike. {sticks tongue out towards Mike} "Was-saaaaales!"

MIKE HAMAR: {imitating Red} "Was-saaaaales!"

DALTON HUMPHREY: Come on! Stop that, I'm trying to educate you people here! Now, come on.

RED GREEN: {calming down} Sorry.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Are you guys going to be serious or are you gonna be goofballs?

RED GREEN: {shrugs} It's New Year's Eve, I'm going with goofballs.

{Mike and Red then resume sticking their tongues out towards both each other and Dalton and yelling, "Was-saaaaales!", much to Dalton's annoyance.}

New Year's Resolutions: Ranger Gord
''{Ranger Gord looks up toward the ceiling through a pair of binoculars he holds. He slowly looks toward the camera through them. He suddenly looks startled and pulls his binoculars away.}''

RANGER GORD: Oh, hi everybody, Ranger Gord here with my New Year's resolutions. Do you realize what an advantage it is to be a forest ranger when it comes to making New Year's resolutions? I mean, you people, when you make resolutions, you got friends and family and coworkers around you every day. If you happen to break one of yours, everybody knows, right? You poor, pathetic people. Now, look at the deal I've got. I can make any resolution I want, and I can break it. {snaps fingers} Just like that! You know why? Because nobody ever comes up here, that's why. I mean, uh, I can decide, okay, this year, I'm not going to bathe. Who would know? Just me. {suddenly sobs} And that's just the way I like it! {trying to recover but not having much success} I like being alone. I can do whatever I want. I can spend the whole day licking things. {holds up index finger} Friends don't let you do that. Believe me. I can stay up late, watching TV, watching whatever I want. Didn't know I had a TV, did you? Well, I do. {suddenly sobs again} And it'll work a lot better when I get electricity! {trying again to recover} Anyway, I'm not gonna make any New Year's resolutions, because I don't need any. I like things just the way they are. {sniffs} No nosy neighbors, no nosy bosses, nobody at all. {sobbing once more} Just me! I'm so lucky. Happy New Year.

Handyman Corner 2
{Red stands outside the lodge behind a worktable.}

RED GREEN: You know, bringing in the new year with a celebratory drink was an old custom. Goes way back to ancient times. I believe it was Julius Caesar who said, "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your beers." You know, on New Year's Eve, you're supposed to be drinking champagne. But that can be a problem, what with French wine being so expensive and you being so cheap. So here's what you do. {bends down and picks up a big jug} You make your own. You start with a good-sized jug. Quantity is an important factor. I find, with alcohol, people even like the bad stuff if there's plenty of it. So we're gonna make a magnum. Here again, "magnum" is a Latin word meaning "humungous". Okay, you know that champagne has a bit of a zing to it. {picks up a jug of vinegar} Even the smell tickles your nose. {pours some vinegar into the jug} Well, you can get the same effect with vinegar. {stops pouring and looks up} Ah, what the heck? {pours more vinegar into jug} It's New Year's. {finishes pouring; sets vinegar jug aside} Okay, now you fill up the rest of your magnum with your favorite beer. {picks up a bottle of beer and removes the bottle cap} Or whatever kind Dalton brought. He'll never notice. {pours beer into magnum jug} He'll be too busy chasing the shrimp ring. Okay, now we come to the fun part of champagne. I don't mean that tipsy feeling you get when you start doing your Jimmy Stewart impression all night. No, no, I'm talking about the bubbles. Now, in real champagne, the bubbles come from... {looks away to think} I don't know, grapes with air in 'em or something. {picks up a box of baking soda from the table} We're gonna make our bubbles by adding baking soda to the vinegar we already got in here. But here's the thing: we don't want those chemicals mixing too soon. {picks up a cold capsule off the table} So get yourself some of these cold capsules and empty them into a glass. {opens the capsule in a glass and empties the insides into it; holds up glass} All right, and save all that for later, 'cause someday you may have a cold, and then drink the whole thing all at once. Won't do anything for your cold, but it'll give you something the doctors can cure. {picks up baking soda again} Okay, now you wanna fill these capsules up with the baking soda. {pours baking soda into capsule shells; wipes hands together} Yeah, all right, well, actually, I've already done a few. {picks up jar of capsules} So we'll just pop them into the magnum. {pours some capsules into the magnum jug} Okay, we just gotta get the cork in there {takes a cork and a hammer} before those chemicals mix. {places cork over opening in jug and then uses hammer to tap it in secure, also uses his fingers to push it down}

Ranger Gord's Educational Films
{Ranger Gord is sitting in his fire watchtower, with a film projector next to him.}

RANGER GORD: Oh, hi, everybody, Ranger Gord here. Well, it's the big night, isn't it? New Year's Eve, woo hoo! You know, forest rangers don't have big nights. We have long nights. Long, cold, lonely nights when you wake up in a cold sweat with your lips wrapped around a can of cream corn. You know, I think the Captain and Tenille say it best in their brand-new hit, "Muskrat Love". Betcha a forest ranger wrote "Muskrat Love". Anyway, it's a night of celebration and for that, I've created this brand new animated film for your amazement. It's all about New Year's Eve in the forest, but I've called it "Forest New Year's". Get it? Here we go!

''{Gord starts up the projector. The film starts. The cartoon Ranger Gord's hand pops in and writes out "Ranger Gord Presents". This title then changes to "Ranger Gord's Educational Films". The hand underlines "Educational". A picture of Gord appears in the title. The film then fades to Gord posing with the title "Starring me! Ranger Gord". Fade to a shot of a cartoon sky dotted with clouds. The title reads, "Today's episode..." and then "FOREST NEW YEAR'S". Cut to a snowy forest. Little Harold is eating berries in front of a table next to Little Red, about to take a sip of his coffee. A bunch of snowmen surround the table. Ranger Gord then appears on the left.}''

RANGER GORD: Today, I'm gonna teach everyone in the universe the tradition {points towards Little Harold and Little Red} of a forest New Year's.

{Cut to a closer view of Gord from another perspective.}

RANGER GORD: And I can hardly contain my excitement.

''{Cut to Red as he takes another sip. Harold and the tops of two snowmen appear behind him.}''

LITTLE RED: Well, you have a pretty small container.

{Cut briefly back to Gord, who turns his face towards Red, then cut back to him taking yet another sip out of his cup, with the same background as the previous scene featuring him.}

LITTLE HAROLD: {raises hand} Well, I meant just to learn anything more {puts hand down} concerning the forest and its many traditions.

{Gord runs over to Harold and pats him on the head.}

RANGER GORD: Good boy, Harold.

{Gord then pulls out a book and shows a page to Harold.}

RANGER GORD: "Forest New Year's" states that "in order to guarantee a happy New Year, {cut to a closeup of the book, with the left page showing a picture of a smiling rock with his tongue sticking out and a kiss mark with a "LUCKY ROCK" caption pointing toward him and the right page showing how to throw the rock over a small river over a moon} you have to hurl a lucky rock over the moon {points at moon on the right page} and across the river before the stroke of midnight." {points upward as a bell tolls}

LITTLE HAROLD: Fwa, {scratches head} I never heard of such a thing.

{Cut to Red.}

LITTLE RED: I'm familiar with hurling before midnight.

{Cut back to Gord, who then points towards the camera's right.}

RANGER GORD: You two grab that lucky rock and bring it down to the river! {cut to two rocks in front of Red and Harold, revealing that Gord is actually pointing towards one of them} It's the one on the left.

''{Cut to a transition scene with Gord's head zooming in and back out with swirls appearing in the background, then cut again to Red and Harold standing next to a rock. The two then try to pick it up, but both let go of it and the rock swings in the air and lands on Red as the two fall over.}''

RANGER GORD: Oh, my mistake, it's the one on the right.

''{Cut to the same transition scene with Gord's head, then cut again to Gord standing next to a small-sized maple tree next to a small, frozen river. Gord grabs the tree and tries to pull it down. Red and Harold then walk in, the two holding another rock. Then cut once more to a closeup of Gord.}''

RANGER GORD: Almost there. {cut briefly back to the previous scene, then cut again back to the closeup} To toss the rock, we're gonna use nature's own catapult, the pine tree.

{Cut to a closeup of Red holding the rock.}

LITTLE RED: That's a maple tree, Gord!

{Cut back to Gord.}

RANGER GORD: Oh. Oh, well, it, uh, it doesn't actually make any... {his sentence gets cut off as the tree falls over}

{Cut to reveal that Gord has ended up becoming trapped under the newly-fallen tree, then cut again to a closeup of Harold.}

LITTLE HAROLD: {points to his right} Oh, there's a pine tree, there, fwa.

{Harold walks off-screen, causing the rock to become unstable and fall on Red, then cut again to Harold arriving at a pine tree, who then jumps up and grabs a branch.}

RANGER GORD: Let me give you a hand there, Harold. {pulls the tree down enough for Harold to touch the snow on the ground} Okay, stick the lucky rock on there, Red.

{Red attempts to carry the rock towards the tree.}

LITTLE RED: Now I think the luck may have worn off this particular rock.

RANGER GORD: {points towards his left} Go give me a hand!

''{Harold lets go of the tree and goes flying high over the river and in front of the moon, landing in a snow pile, creating a hole in the pile shaped like him. Then cut again to the same tree as it flings the rock into the air, landing on Harold, who is recovering from his hard fall. Then cut once again to Gord, who is cheering.}''

RANGER GORD: We did it! It's gonna be a happy New Year!

LITTLE RED: Well, it looks like Harold's gonna miss the first few weeks of it, so I think you might be right.

''{Gord grabs Red and kisses him, then starts laughing. Wipe to a snowman with the moon appearing in the background. Gord's hand comes into frame, holding a "The End" sign, placing it next to the moon. The film ends. Cut back to the real-live Gord, who applauds enthusiastically and gives a thumbs-up.}''

Segue: Winston Rothschild 2
{Winston stands in front of his sewage truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: May your septics never cause you a tear.

''{Cut to another shot of Winston, from above, looking down towards him. He holds up his hands.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: May they handle your chili beans, bratwurst and beer.

''{Cut to a shot of Winston standing on one of the runners of his truck. He taps his truck.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: May your tank run on empty throughout the new year.

{Cut to another shot of Winston standing beside a different part of his truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: But if not, my pump and my hose are right here.

{Winston holds up his business card.}

New Year's Resolutions: Ed Frid
{Ed stands in the lodge basement behind a table, with a huge cotton patch over his right eye.}

ED FRID: Well then, I guess the time has come for me to make my New Year's resolution. And I've decided to be a lot more specific this year. Usually, I promise myself something like, I'm going to lose weight or start my own business or have a conversation with my parents. But this year, I've decided to {makes pointing motion} zero right in on the problem. {raises his left hand} I solemnly swear {points toward audience} before all of these witnesses that for the next year and possibly longer, I will not eat peanut butter sandwiches. {shakes head} Period! Regardless of the circumstances, even in the case of an emergency. This is because peanut butter has a way of {pointing to his mouth} sticking to the roof of a person's mouth. That can be distracting and can also impede their ability to CALL FOR HELP. When they so desperately need it! {blinks his left eye repeatedly} Now, this may sound like an odd New Year's resolution to you, but you're not an animal control officer, are you? {shakes, then nods his head} No, you can probably spend most of your day sitting at your desk, drinking coffee or doing whatever was necessary to get the peanut butter off of the roof of your mouth! Well, whoop-de-freakin'-doo! {nods; points to himself with thumb} I don't have that luxury! I don't work in an office! I work in the woods! I work in the woods with elk! Elk have horns! {gestures his hand at about the level of his eyes} Eye-level horns! {shifts his eye left and right repeatedly; suddenly calmer} So that is why I promise to never eat another peanut butter sandwich again. Ever. {salutes} Happy New Year. {walks to basement stairs and bumps into the railing before climbing}

Red's Handyman Tips
''{Red is in another room in the Lodge, with many beer bottles and a pizza box in front of him. He moves a few of the bottles.}''

RED GREEN: You know, it's great to have a New Year's party where your friends can enjoy themselves, but the last thing you want is somebody trying to drive a car after they've been over-served. So here's what you do. {gestures toward the beer bottles} Stack a bunch of dead soldiers in the middle of the room, then lay an empty pizza box on top. That's gonna be a step stool that your friends can use to retrieve their car keys before they drive home. The reason they need a step stool is that when they arrived at the party, you took their keys and hung them from the ceiling fan. Now each of your guests has to be sober enough to balance on the step stool or they don't get their keys. And to make it a better test, I've wired the fan into a motion detector, so as they approach the unit, {the motion detector activates} it gets a little trickier to grab their keys.

''{Red climbs onto the pizza box. He reaches for the ceiling fan to grab a key. He then scares himself as the key comes swinging his way on the fan and falls off-screen onto the floor as the fan continues to move.}''

RED GREEN: {low voice} I need a drink.

New Year's Resolutions: Harold Green
''{Harold walks into another section of the lodge, with a desk in the corner in it where Red sits. Harold holds a piece of paper in his hand.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, can I talk to you a minute? {Red looks up} I was just working on my New Year's resolution, you know, and I thought it might be a good idea to get some input from someone I spend a lot of time with, you know, to make sure that I'm making worthwhile changes.

RED GREEN: Well, I think that's a great idea, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {excited} Oh, okay, great, great, good! {looks around} Okay, good. Is there another chair around I can use? A chair?

RED GREEN: {looking off to his side; picks up footstool} I got a footstool here. {sets footstool down next to him}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay, good, that'd be great!

''{Harold sits down on the footstool, but it is very low to the ground, so that when Harold sits down, he is seated somewhat lower than Red's chair. Harold looks around, perplexed.}''

HAROLD GREEN: ...Thank you, okay. Um... Well, {gestures toward paper in hand} I have my list out. Perhaps you'd like to take yours out?

RED GREEN: Why would I do that?

HAROLD GREEN: {stares at Red before speaking} Well, you know, I was just saying, you know, that when two people who spend a lot of time with each other that New Year's is probably a real good time to sit down and figure out how to make the relationship better. Haw!

RED GREEN: Yeah, I know, I agree with you, so why don't you go through the changes you're gonna make because I can really help you out there.

{Pause}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all right, we'll start with mine, then. Okay, well, {looks at paper} I resolve to limit how much I talk about computers...

RED GREEN: Mm-hmm...

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, how long I'm on the Internet... {giggles and gestures toward Red; speaks quickly and quietly} find a girlfriend, {slightly slower and louder again} and to once again not to take up smoking.

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay, that's good, Harold, but you know what else, Harold? You shouldn't give your opinion all the time. I find that annoying.

HAROLD GREEN: {looks away, upset} That's not a valid criticism.

RED GREEN: That's exactly what I'm talking about.

''{Harold stammers in protest, but stops. He holds up an index finger toward Red and giggles. Harold nods.}''

HAROLD GREEN: That's food for thought.

RED GREEN: All right.

HAROLD GREEN: All right, okay. So all righty, that's mine. That's my list; why don't you take yours out and read from yours now?

RED GREEN: No, I'm actually not making any resolutions this year, Harold.

{Harold looks up slowly at his uncle.}

HAROLD GREEN: Really?

RED GREEN: No. Well, every year, I make New Year's resolutions and then I break them one by one before the year is gone.

HAROLD GREEN: You break 'em one by one before the hangover is gone.

RED GREEN: {shrugs} I kinda hit the glass ceiling, Harold. You know, this is as about as good as I'm going to get and I'm gonna stop fighting it, really. {shrugs again}

HAROLD GREEN: Is this as good as you get?

''{Harold stares at Red. Red stares back.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah. Is that a problem?

HAROLD GREEN: No, I'm just trying to grasp the concept of being satisfied with that level of performance. {blinks eyes and looks away}

RED GREEN: Gee, I sure hope I haven't upset you, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking back at Red} Hmm? Oh, no, no, no, no! Y'know, most men my age would be intimidated by the... y'know, the proficiency and accomplishments of their elders, but actually... {smiles} you've spared me all that. {gives a thumbs-up to Red}

Buddy System
{Dalton and Mike run down into the basement and walk up close to the camera.}

MIKE HAMAR: Your wife's all ready for New Year's! She's got her new dress, her new hairdo and her new queen-sized control-top pantyhose. {he and Dalton laugh}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Now you're about to break it to her...

MIKE HAMAR: You don't feel like going out this New Year's.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Now, for your own safety, try and let her down easy.

MIKE HAMAR: There's no point in pointing out what a good sport you were by going to all those Christmas parties with her. {shakes head}

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, especially when you got caught lying on the coats in the bedroom, reading fishing magazines.

MIKE HAMAR: It's gonna be pretty difficult to explain to her that you'd rather stay home with your favorite... funny... sports... bloopers videos.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, you might wanna do a 180 on that.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, like changing your mind, sucking it up and going to the party after all.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah. Think about it this way: if she's having fun and you're not, you're still having way more fun than you would be when you're having fun and she's not!

MIKE HAMAR: {nods; holds up index finger} And just remember, New Year's Eve is just one cold night in January, but the garage is cold 24/7, 365.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Think about it!

MIKE HAMAR: We know you'll do the right thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Or at least the safe thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY, MIKE HAMAR: {waving} Happy New Year!

{They turn and go back upstairs.}

Handyman Corner 3
{Red is walking outside the lodge, carrying a toaster.}

RED GREEN: You know, a lot of people like to commemorate New Year's Eve by having some type of audiovisual presentation in their backyard. Maybe firecrackers or a light show is their way of celebrating the beginning of a new year and also surprising the neighbors that they actually know what day it is. Now I know what you're thinking, where would you find the money to do something like that or, my wife won't let me have firecrackers or, what the heck are you talkin' about, Red? Well, take it easy. With my idea, you won't need money or fireworks. All you need is a toaster, or, actually, a few toasters.

''{Red opens the rear right cargo door of the Possum Van. Dozens of toasters then fall out of the van onto the ground.}''

RED GREEN: That it?

''{Several more toasters then fall out of the van. Wipe to Red at a worktable, which has several toasters on it.}''

RED GREEN: And you don't even need the whole toaster, just the elements from inside. Then they're perfect for our display, 'cause you can bend them into shapes and they glow when they're hot. Don't you wish more things in your life were that simple? {throws a toaster onto the ground}

''{Wipe to a later scene. A montage begins, with Red trying to take several toasters apart, first with a handsaw, then with an ax. At one point, one of the toasters get stuck with the ax and frustrated, Red throws both onto the ground. The montage ends with a wipe to another later scene. Red is standing next to an exterior wall of the lodge, duct-taped to it is a toaster element bended into the shape of a "T".}''

RED GREEN: Boy, I'm exhausted. That was a lot of swearing. Oh, okay, now we got the easy part, we just form the elements into the letters for our New Year's Eve sign. See this here? This is the letter "T". Today's Handyman Corner is brought to you by the letter "T", 'cause now, if it doesn't work, it would be the letter "B", 'cause if she doesn't work, let her be. Okay. Now we just form the rest of the letters and then join all the elements together, making a sign that's not only bright, but also toasty warm.

{Wipe to a later scene, where Red is holding a white wire that's duct-taped to the element "T".}

RED GREEN: Okay, our sign's all done, and I've got the elements hooked up to these wires, and then to supply the electricity, I've got the other end hooked into the power supply of one of my toasters. Now, when I push down this little leaf, we're gonna have an impressive display. But I've gotta wait for night, {sets control on toaster to "dark"} 'cause I got the control set on "dark".

''{Wipe to a scene at night. Red illuminates his face with a flashlight.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, we're all set, so let's send our lit New Year's message out to the world.

''{Red pushes down the lever on the toaster, which illuminates the sign, which reads "TOAST YOURSELF AT NEW YEARS EVE". Red then walks in front of the sign.}''

RED GREEN: Just a little something from all of us to each of you.

''{Red walks away to his right. The elements then start burning out in a shower of sparks, word-by-word, with the remaining illuminated elements reading "YOU FAT ARSE".}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Wanna talk to all you guys who are out celebrating New Year's this year. You know, it's never too soon to start thinking about the midnight kiss. {shakes head} You don't wanna screw it up again, now, do you, okay? There's only one thing to remember, really: kiss your wife first. {nods} Excuses won't work. {shakes head again} Like, "I thought I was kissing you," "I tried to, but somebody else's lips got in the way," or worse still, "Aw, come on, honey, it's New Year's! I'm supposed to be having fun!" Okay, mainly, you gotta be able to find your wife at midnight. That means you really wanna stay sober, okay? If you can't see, you're not gonna be able to find her. And braille is not an option. And when you do find her and you are kissing your own beauty queen, don't try to make eye contact with Miss Congeniality. Having a split focus at that crucial moment can lead to other splits: {rubs hands together} split lips, splitting headache, splitting wife. And don't be using New Year's as a way to hook up with some of your ex-girlfriends. {shakes head} Should old acquaintance be forgot? Absolutely. Especially if she's attractive and she's at the party and she's carrying around a picture of a twelve-year-old boy who looks {points at camera} exactly like you. So just cool it, have a happy new year, and remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
RED GREEN: {walking out from behind the basement stairs, holding a roll of duct tape} This is the repair shop part of our New Year's special we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying". {walks over to a workbench with a deflated pool chair sitting on it and Mike standing behind it} So what do you got for us here, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, this is an inflatable chair, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Oh.

MIKE HAMAR: Ruefully, it has several holes in it, due to an unfortunate misunderstanding.

{Red examines the chair and notices a label on it that reads, "Property of Shady Acres".}

RED GREEN: I notice it's from the Shady Acres rest home.

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, that's correct. I borrowed it from them.

RED GREEN: You tell them you were borrowing it, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: {pauses} I may have. But you know what old folks are like. {smiles}

RED GREEN: And, uh, how come it's got all the holes in it?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, one of the residents had a pellet gun.

RED GREEN: {removing a bit of duct tape from the roll} Well, I can fix the holes with the handyman's secret weapon, but there's no real hurry. It's gonna be several months before you're gonna get this thing into the pool.

MIKE HAMAR: I need it now, right, 'cause I– I wanna make it fly. See, if you can patch up the holes in it and put some kind of a gas in it, then I'll have myself a blimp. You think hydrogen would work?

RED GREEN: {with uncertainty} Yeah, that would be a nonsmoking flight. {removes a strip of duct tape and puts it on a hole} So... where are you planning to go in the chair once you get it flying?

MIKE HAMAR: Around the world.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh, yeah.

MIKE HAMAR: See, I wanna make up for all the New Year's Eves that I've missed out on when I was in the slammer, see?

RED GREEN: Oh...

MIKE HAMAR: Now, the earth has 24 different timezones, and I want to celebrate New Year's in each and every one of them.

RED GREEN: Okay, no, I understand how the chair's gonna get up in the air, but what's gonna make it fly?

MIKE HAMAR: {ecstatic} Nothin'! That's the beauty of a rotating earth! You see, it'll just spin by underneath me, and– and, like, I'll just drop down in every timezone, and I'll have myself a quick beer and kiss somebody's wife!

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, Mike, there's two problems with your plan, okay? It won't work, and you'll die. So forget about the chair. Go up to that airport bar. {gestures thumb behind him} Y'know, by Port Asbestos there? {Mike nods} They got all the clocks from everywhere, all around the world everywhere. Every time one of them hits midnight, have yourself a glass of bubbly.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, okay, that might be kinda fun, but I'd like someone to go along with me.

RED GREEN: Well, take one of the guys from Shady Acres. I mean, I find old people really enjoy celebrating New Year's. They're so shocked that they made it, you know?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I don't know if I want to spend New Year's with a boring old senior citizen.

RED GREEN: Well, take the guy with the pellet gun! Eh? He knows how to party! Huh?

MIKE HAMAR: {ecstatic} That's a great idea!

RED GREEN: All right, yeah!

MIKE HAMAR: You know, the only sad part is that I won't be able to spend any time with all my buddies. They're all still in jail.

RED GREEN: Well, you know, if you're gonna be at a 24-hour bar, and your drinking partner is an armed senior, I think the chances of you and your jail buddies getting back together is real good.

MIKE HAMAR: {excited} Great! {runs up stairs while Red unrolls some more duct tape}

Outro
{Red and Harold stand in the part of the lodge that's decorated for New Year's Eve}.

RED GREEN: Well, that's it for our New Year's special and we hope you enjoyed it and, but if you happened to fall asleep on the couch, well, that's good too, 'cause you're now able to stay awake till midnight.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha, and for all the younger people out there, we wish you the best New Year's ever and we hope the next year's just a safe and happy one too.

RED GREEN: Yeah, and, and, and, the older guys out there, let's hope we can all survive any hair-brain thing the young people throw at us over the next twelve months, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: {blows party streamer} Oh, oh Red, that reminds me. I like to thank you for all the opportunities you give me for personal growth and professional development over the past years. I hope we get to spend many, many more years together!

RED GREEN: How many? How many more?

HAROLD GREEN: Many, many more!

{Dalton, Mike, Ed and Winston walk into the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Okay, I think it's time to open the bar, so, on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge:

RED AND HAROLD GREEN: Happy New Year!

{Everyone starts waving at the audience, blowing their party streamers and wishing each other a happy New Year as black and white balloons start falling from the ceiling.}