Pay It Forward/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Seems like everywhere

you go lately

you see more and more of

these bobble head dolls.

Oh, sure, it was fine with

hockey players

and baseball players and

important guys like that.

But now that everybody's

trying to make a quick buck,

this thing has really

gotten outta control.

On the other hand

they do make a nice gift.

Of course, like any

good handyman,

I like to take existing ideas

and make them bigger, better

and potentially

more disturbing.

A lot of people, you know,

carry these mannequins around

in their car

to discourage stalkers.

Also lets them

use the car pool lane.

But I'm thinkin' we could

make this unit a lot

more life like

by using an old car spring

to turn this baby into a

full-size bobble head.

Let's hope nobody

just tuned in.

I'm a pretty

good driver, aren't I?

[ cheers and applause ]

wow! Thank you very much.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

This is our annual

softball tournament.

We've got a pretty

good team this year...

Buster hadfield is shortstop;

moose thompson is wide stop;

and old man sedgwick

is third base --

he's not playing third base,

he is third base.

Uncle red,

we've got a problem.

Just a second.

Grab the bat.

Right there on

the table.

Now, think fast.

Go for it.

Wow! A digger, huh?

Yeah, baseball's

not my sport.

Yeah, I would imagine

your "not my sport" list

is pretty extensive.

I'm not sports oriented.

I'm not sports oriented.

Those who can do;

those who can't ump.

You know what our

problem is though?

Hardly any guys on

our team can afford

the $20 entry fee.

Oh, I know that.

That's because the

government cut off all

their unemployment cheques.

They do that if you don't

have any work for

a while, see?

The only way to get paid

for doin' nothing ever

is to actually work for

the government.

Well, it's a shame the team

won't have any representation

at the tournament

this year.

Is there anything

I can do?

Not usually.

You know, if the guys could

find work even for a week,

see, that would trigger their

pogey to start up again.

I heard down at the

amusement park they're

hiring people

to hose off the

whirl 'n' hurl.

We don't need

real jobs.

We just need

fake jobs, you know,

like, one guy could get

the second guy to

do something,

and then pretend

to pay him.

And then the third guy

could do work for

the second guy,

and the fourth guy

for the third guy,

and eventually the

money would come all

the way around.

Okay, but where does

that money come from?

Well, that's

a great idea.

You could lend

it to us.

Yeah.

Me!?

Well, you just asked me

if there was anything

you could do.

And you'll get

the money back, harold.

I will, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, all right.

If you say so.

Then okay, all right.

You know what, though?

I just don't

see it.

Oh, harold.

Harold, you know,

of course,

you don't see it.

You're an umpire.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize

is this coupon

for a shampoo and hairstyle

from the exclusive hair salon

fabio of port asbestos.

If you're bald,

he'll do your dog.

Okay, cover

your ears, dalton.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton to say

this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Uh, all right, dalton,

you see a guy,

he's got a glazed

look on his face

he's been a

victim of this.

Too many doughnuts.

No, no, okay.

No. No.

Um, this is like

an obsession,

something about a person

that means you can't stop

thinking about them.

They owe me money.

No, okay.

No. No.

This is something that

really holds your interest.

A bank.

No, dalton.

Get off that, okay.

This is personal, okay,

like something really

special about a girl.

I mean, she may not be the

most beautiful woman

in the world,

but you know

she can...

Afford to pay

for dinner.

Uh, red, you're

almost outta time.

I know. I know.

Okay, dalton, remember

back in high school

bernice broke up with me?

I was real sad.

I put on about 40 pounds.

That's because she had

this power over me.

Power?

Come on, red!

That's because of all

the salt and fat you ate.

There we go!

This is the repair shop

part of the show

we call, if it ain't broke

you're not trying.

Joining me today is local

demolition expert

and explosives enthusiast,

edgar montrose.

What have you got

for us today, edgar?

Oh, never on

an empty stomach, red.

But that's not

why I'm here.

I'm having trouble

getting these jars open.

Well, I'll give

it a try.

Why do you want the

lids off anyway, edgar?

Well, I got a

hot date tonight,

and I think one of these

jars definitely has

mouthwash in it.

Yeah, and what's

in the other one?

Nitroglycerin.

Well, quit jumpin'

around, red.

You're makin'

me nervous.

I still need

the mouthwash.

I got a date

in 10 minutes.

Okay, yeah, you wrap your

hands around the jar, okay.

Hold her real

solid, okay.

It might help if that

finger wasn't missing.

Oh, it's not

missing, red.

I know exactly

where it is.

It's up at the quarry,

still pointing at the

no smoking sign.

Okay, there you go.

Check that.

Ewie-pewie!

That's the nitro!

All right --

no, no!

Put her down

toward the edge --

not too close to the edge.

Just put her

down over there.

Okay, that's good.

Okay.

Okay, now I'll just pop

this one open for you.

We should be good.

There you go.

Everybody can

breathe easier now.

Ah, thanks, red.

Bottoms up.

[ gulping ]

good idea.

What? What?

Well, I guess

they're both nitro.

Well, edgar, you

better cancel that date.

Oh, no.

Women like hot men, red.

Or is that

"red hot men"?

Wait'll she sees this...

You know, when you look back

over the history of man

since the

beginning of time,

you see an evolution

from a pathetic creature

who spent most of

his time on all fours --

sometimes called a husband,

to a homo erectus,

which is latin,

but still scares me.

And finally to the ultimate

stage of a middle aged

man's development...

Full recline.

This is the perfect position

for a man to watch

television

or read the newspaper,

or receive his behaviour

modification therapy.

It's well known.

We've all heard of

the 'recline' of the

american empire.

Well, if full recline is the

perfect position for the

middle aged man,

doesn't it make sense to allow

him to be in that position

as often as possible?

Not just for things

he does once a year,

like go to church,

or to work.

I'm talking about

reclining on a daily basis,

like when you're

driving your car.

I could reach the pedals

from the prone position,

so I didn't need

to do anything about those,

but I figure I may need

to steer at some point.

So I took the drive assembly

off this ten speed bike...

Added some chain to her,

and made myself a

remote steering wheel.

Thanks to the simple

technology of chain

and sprockets,

I can now drive flat out.

Big wheel keep on turning,

rubber just

a-keeps on burning.

And if my arms get tired

from driving straight,

like, say, going across

saskatchewan,

I just put her

in cruise control.

Now, of course,

seein' where you're going

is almost as important

as being comfortable.

So I need to look up

through the roof.

It would be helpful

if this car had a sunroof,

but I'm not gonna

complain about that.

When I look around at all

the riches that I do have --

[ siren blaring ]

okay, thanks.

Thanks very much.

Yeah, I got a

tip for you...

You know there's some type

of foam insulation in

the roof of a car,

and it's very flammable.

A lot of you may

not know that.

Okay, I mounted

a full-length mirror

at just the right angle

so that I'll be

able to see the road

while I'm lying down.

This mirror is actually

mounted on our bathroom door,

so I just took

the whole thing.

Of course, now with

no bathroom door

that means we

can't have company.

So it's a win-win.

Some of you probably already

realise that that mirror

is gonna make things

look upside down to me.

You see, that's the same

thing that happens with

binocular lenses.

So what I did was I took

the lenses out of this,

made myself a pair of glasses

that'll make the reflection

right side up.

I'm a lot smarter

than I look.

Okay, don't put the glasses on

until you're actually

driving the car.

You'll get a real

bad headache.

So remember: If the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Okay, time to prove that a

la-z-boy is not just a chair,

it's a way of life.

I read in the paper

that more and more men

are taking off

all of their body hair...

With razors, lasers

and, yes, even duct tape.

Let me just say

this about that...

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

And apparently some guys are

even having the bikini waxing

so they can wear a thong.

Audience: Ewwww!

Please don't do that.

No guy looks good

in a thong.

Don't wear one and especially

don't shave to do it.

Men, god gave you body hair

to hide the ugly parts.

It's really his

way of saying, yikes!

So don't go against

that whole thing.

Keep the body hair.

Go one step farther...

Wear clothes,

lots of clothes.

The more clothes you have on,

the more attractive you are.

That's actually true

with 99% of people.

That's why the birthrate is

so low at nudists camps.

Don't take my word for it.

Go ahead, ask your wife.

She'll tell you.

She wants you to wear as many

clothes as possible,

as often as possible,

and the only thing she wants

you to shave is your face.

And it's not just because

she's the one who has to

clean out the bathtub.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

[ applause ]

if you eat something,

set it free.

If it comes back to you,

call me.

Well, our fake-work/make-work

project is going great.

Mike just has to pay me

for pretending to stack

his firewood,

then we're done.

See, I got the

200 bucks from harold,

and then I hired junior

singleton to give me stock

market investment advice,

which was, don't.

Then he hired stinky

to do a little feng shui

around his outhouse.

And then stinky hired buster

to pretend to be a

male escort.

And then buster paid

mike not to rob him.

So...

Uncle red, I need

that $200 back now.

Well, no,

not yet, harold,

because actually

when I get that money

we need that to pay our

entrance fee into the

softball tournament.

Okay, but when

do I get my money?

Well, you know,

it's gonna be a while,

because the guys

are all going down

to the government

office this afternoon.

They're gonna report

their recent employment.

Then that's gonna

trigger the benefits

to start up again.

So it's --

it's actually, harold,

a little complicated.

Don't try to

understand it.

Oh, here we go now.

Mike, you got

my 200 bucks for me?

Well, yeah, I'd like

to pay you, mr. Green,

but I just had a

look at the wood pile,

and I'm not happy.

Well, don't look at it.

Just give me

the money, will you?

An honest day's pay

for an honest day's work.

Shame on you,

mr. Green.

It was fake work, mike!

I was just pretending

to stack the firewood.

Well, fine, I'll just

pretend to pay you.

I got an idea.

I got an idea.

Since it's my

money anyway,

why don't you

just give it to me,

and I'll be happy to

stack your wood, mike.

Okay!

You see, that's

what friends do.

It's pretty complicated,

uncle red.

Don't try to

understand it.

[ applause and cheers ]

red: Bill and walter were

having a game of foosball

out behind the lodge.

Not the kind of game I like.

I like to something

more active.

These feel like --

almost like video games.

I tried to take

part in it, but...

Walter's very defensive,

and thought maybe I'd join --

they don't like

you to join, these two,

so I'm just standing

there watching.

And what am I

supposed to do?

Watch?

That's no fun.

So, uh, they come over to see

if I'm okay, I thought.

But it was really just

to retrieve the ball.

But, uh, yeah, it didn't

hurt that bad,

so I figured

one more -- no.

All right,

but I'm a quick learner.

Um, give 'em a little --

a little gap never

hurt anybody.

Now, walter, he's athletic,

and he's young,

and he's got

the quick moves.

He's got the feet going.

Got everything going.

Uh, bill is, uh --

what can I say that's

not insensitive.

Uh, yeah, that

really says it for me.

And bill got his

clothes caught in the --

and walter's not noticing

as he spins that handle.

Startin' to --

bill's trying to get --

get himself

unhooked from that.

And then he starts

to have other problems.

His pant leg

gets caught in there

and then -- oh!

Boy, that is --

that has gotta --

and walter is just in his

own world there, really.

Oh, boy,

that can't be good.

So I'm pointing out

to walter we got a

problem here.

And bill's really

jammed up good.

So I figure if I turn

this one counterclockwise,

and that'll --

just a little bit...

No! No!

That's not gonna --

okay, now, walter figures,

it's the third one over.

With a good hard

clockwise spin

and he's -- okay, yeah.

No -- I think

we're gettin' it.

We're gettin' it.

We're gettin' it.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

And I think -- yeah.

Yeah, we got him.

Good.

All right, now, what

happened was bill gets up,

and it turns out the

whole thing was a ruse.

He was just faking it,

because he had a

move in mind

that comes right about now.

Scores the winning goal,

gets into the big

celebratory dance,

but like so

often in life,

you don't always have

the last laugh when

you expect it.

Oh!

[ red chuckles ]

bernice went out and

bought one of these fancy

stainless steel fridges.

Oh, I know they look

great from a distance,

but who wants to be

lookin' at their reflection

as they're reaching

for a cold bowl of gravy?

Fortunately, I have two

things at my disposal...

A screwdriver

and my imagination.

And they're about

the same size.

Ever been to

those fun houses?

Remember how they

had those magic mirrors

that make you look skinny?

Well, those mirrors

are kind of like magicians.

They're not actually magic,

they're just a little bent.

[ applause ]

ladies and gentlemen,

we interrupt the

red green show

so that I may bring you the

following important

environmental message.

Greetings, campers.

Ranger gord here with

another one of my patented...

Say, now, here's

a bucolic scene.

A couple of amateur

orthodontists

out for a leisurely

afternoon of bird-watching.

Ohh! Keep your voice

down, ranger gord.

We're watching those

woodpeckers up there.

Gord:

Hm-mm, well,

fine specimens too.

But unfortunately, what you

birdbrain bird watchers

don't know

is that when a woodpecker

senses an intruder

he's liable

to feel threatened.

That's why it's always

safer to disguise yourself

as a tree

or a shrubbery.

Here we go.

There.

All safe now,

mr. And mrs. Woodpecker.

Ranger gord:

Oops, I forgot.

There's nothing woodpeckers

love more than dead wood.

[ laughing ]

you didn't have

to say anything, harold.

We were doing okay.

You weren't

telling the truth.

When is that okay?

Man, I wish you

were married.

Don't give me that.

Lying is never right.

Those are the rules.

So anyway, we go down

to the government office

to get the guys' unemployment

insurance reinstated,

and reported that each

one of them had just had

$200 in gainful

employment, see?

Which is not true.

Well, so what, okay?

But here's what

they said...

They can't collect

any of the pogey

until they pay,

each one of them,

50 bucks in income tax and

another four bucks in u.I.C.

Which is true!

This great country of ours

cannot continue to survive

if each and every person

is not willing to pay

their fair share.

I can't believe you

still have all

those teeth.

But, see, our ace

in the hole was

we had never

identified ourselves.

We were just gonna

walk out scot free.

But, oh no!

George washington here

has to jump out of

the cherry tree

and gives 'em all our

names and addresses.

It's the way I saw it,

so I called it.

Well, it was

the wrong call.

It was the

right call!

It was a stupid,

stinkin', wrong call.

You watch yourself,

mister!

If they took all the

stupid, stinkin'

wrong calls

in the history of stupid,

stinkin' wrong calls

and put 'em in

a stinkin' pile

and it was stinkin',

you could still smell

your stinkin' call!

That's it!

You're outta here!

[ applause ]

[ possum squealing ]

I'm just kiddin'

you, harold.

It's meeting time.

Everybody's outta here.

Yeah. Yeah.

Just kiddin' you.

Just kiddin' you.

Yeah, you good?

You good?

[ chuckling ]

[ stops ]

so if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

I had no runs, no hits,

couple of errors,

but I'm still hopin' to get

home on a fielder's choice.

Might even go

into extra innings,

but I doubt it.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of harold

and myself

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

dalton: Have a seat.

There we go.

Mike: All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Well, guys, we are officially

out of the softball

tournament,

and, uh, I think

this is a time for us

to show a little maturity.

Restrain ourselves.

Grow up a little bit.

Suck it up.

Don't worry about it.

It's no big deal.

Nobody's fault.

All is forgiven.

That kind of thing.

Just let it --

just let it go.

It was such a

stupid call.

You're outta here!

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