Hot Water Bottle/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold:

And now it's time to meet the

man who makes this all possible,

that includes

signing the paychecks

but not going as far

to get t-shirts printed up

or anything like that.

Anyway, here he is, the star

of the show and -- and my uncle,

which is to say my father's

brother, and that part's true.

I-I should probably say that.

It's very much so true.

Here he is, the star

of the show -- mr. Red green!

Hello, and, uh,

thank you all for tuning in

when, uh, you know, there are

so many worthwhile things

you could be doing

with your life.

You know,

not everybody can say that.

Harold,

come on over here a minute.

Harold is

the announcer/producer/director

and the star's nephew

of the show here.

And, also, I get to, like,

control all the visual effects.

Watch this.

[ laughs ]

aren't kids something?

I don't have any myself.

Yeah, you should have been

up at the lodge yesterday.

Uh, buster hatfield

got all the guys

to take off

their socks and shoes

and have a game

of lawn darts.

You know,

he loves contact sports.

But, you know, we've been

all kind of safety-conscious

since we had

that methane explosion

when, uh, stinky peterson

dropped a cigarette

down the two-holer.

That scared the bunch of us,

especially stinky.

Luckily,

he was sitting down.

But, you know,

uh, buster loves danger.

I'd say danger's

his middle name.

It's ukrainian

or something.

Wow, that's a great story,

uncle red,

but, you know, let's move on

to the next segment.

[ laughs ]

well, I'm not finished

with the story, harold.

Oh, no?

Well, that's --

that's an excellent point,

but maybe just don't give it

all to the viewers right now.

Hold some back.

You know, that's all I'm saying.

Well,

you're the producer.

Yeah, and while they're awaiting

the conclusion of your story,

we'll show them something

that's not, like, so...Boring.

Stand back!

You know, harold,

you're gonna hurt yourself

on that thing one day.

Do you really think so?

I'm gonna make sure of it.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ there once was a girl

in my high school ♪

♪ the prettiest girl

in class ♪

♪ she had the nicest

auburn hair ♪

♪ but there's no way

that this line's gonna rhyme ♪

♪ I wanted so bad

to take her out ♪

♪ I thought my heart

would burst ♪

♪ but once I saw

her father's biceps ♪

♪ I was afraid

he'd take me out first ♪

this week

in the "handyman corner,"

we're gonna talk about something

unpleasant but necessary,

and I don't mean

kissing your grandmother.

If you're like me and you own

a full set of power tools,

you probably think about death

a lot,

and you know

them funeral parlors

can just charge

whatever they want.

And, I mean, they call

their customers stiffs.

The coffin alone's gonna

cost you $2,000 or $3,000,

or what you can do is pick up

a broken freezer cheap

and make your own.

If you're the romantic type, you

and the missus can go together

in one of them side-by-side

refrigerator/freezer units.

So, once you got your freezer,

then you just pick out

the finish that you want on it.

You can have oak or pine

or mahogany

or, in fact, uh, anything that's

available in the mactac line.

And for about 20 bucks worth,

it's gonna look just beautiful.

If you've never mactac'ed

before,

this is an ideal

learner's project,

because when people see it,

they're gonna be looking at it

through a veil of tears,

and then later,

it's gonna be six feet under.

So, open her up, and, uh --

open her up,

throw in a hunk of, uh, fun fur

for your lining...

And you're, uh, ready to put on

the coffin handles.

Just use a little bit

of the handyman's secret weapon

on that -- duct tape.

These are actually,

uh, towel racks,

and they're cheap,

but they look good,

and when you think about it,

there's kind of a subtle tie-in

to the occasion

because you are throwing in

the towel.

Now, what about a headstone?

Do you have to go the big dollar

for the marble or the granite?

Uh, I don't think so.

What about something like this?

Remember this

from a few weeks ago?

This is a toilet tank.

It was originally our ceramic,

portable beverage cooler.

But it makes a dandy

little headstone,

and we just put

these peel-and-stick letters on.

A lot cheaper than engraving.

And, uh, these are actually

designed for a mailbox,

but when you think about it,

this is your new address.

Anyway, you get the idea.

You can do something like this

that's cheap,

and it's just that easy.

So, until next time,

remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Harold,

I got something for you here.

Uh,

we're gonna take a break

for some commercial messages

right now,

but when we come back,

I'll finish the story

about the hot-water bottle.

Or you could just do the story

while we're at commercials.

That would work, too.

[ thunder crashes ]

"it is spring.

"at night, the air is clear.

"you can hear the distant howl

of wolves.

"the sound pierces the night,

"sends shivers up your spine,

puts nerves on edge.

"the language is different,

"but we woodsmen

know the message,

"the sad and lonely wail

that says,

'I haven't had sex all winter.'"

so, uh, as I was saying,

uh, buster hatfield

really likes dangerous games.

You know, I mean, he's --

he's not happy

unless he's risking his life.

Actually,

with his clumsiness and all,

uh, he's happy most of the time,

but, uh, you know what

he wanted us to do?

He wanted all the guys

to try to blow up

one of them hot-water bottles

until it exploded.

He'd seen a wrestler do it

on one of

them educational programs.

So, anyway, we gave her a try.

We made stinky peterson go last,

'cause nobody wanted

to put their lips on it

after stinky had, you know.

Uh, old man sedgwick went first,

and, god, he was blowing

and blowing and blowing,

and nothing was happening,

and then he turned to the side,

and we could see that his lung

was coming right out

his ear there.

Uncle red, some viewers

have a sensitive stomach.

Yeah, that was moose thompson's

problem.

You're getting ahead of me

there, harold.

Uncle red, why don't we

just cue up the next segment?

We can listen to some more

stories about your friends

inflating their organs

at a later date.

Cue up things

in three, two, one...

Go!

I've lost control

of my own show.

Bob.

Shh!

Fore!

I'm sorry.

I was distracting you.

Sorry, bob.

You're right.

I won't count that, uh, stroke.

Yeah.

Okay, well, uh, bob,

I have a question for you.

I know it's your day off

and everything.

[ scoffs ]

day off?

[ laughs ]

I wish.

No, today's a workday

like any other day, red.

Well, you know,

I just saw you golfing here,

and I didn't realize the

department of natural resources

paid people to play golf,

you know.

Oh. Oh, this.

No, no, no.

I'm doing government work.

I'm, uh...

I'm measuring trees.

Uh, yeah.

They've got me

out measuring,

uh, you know, birches, maples,

stuff like that.

It's, uh, just to check

their, uh, growth rate,

you know,

for, uh, future planning.

Oh, yeah.

Let's see.

That was, uh, 35 centimeters.

35 centimeters.

I did about a 40

on that last hole.

Makes the trees

five over par.

What is par

on the course here?

Red maple.

Oh.

Well, uh, anyway,

uh, bob,

we, uh -- we had a -- we had a

little problem up at the lodge,

and I wanted to talk to you

about it if you got a minute.

You know,

I'd just like to...

Yeah, yeah.

What? Oh, yeah.

[ clears throat ]

[ bird chirping ]

what the hell

was that?

That was a bird,

wasn't it?

Fore!

I missed it again!

Yeah, well, I'm in there again.

I think I was distracting you.

I think that's --

I would chalk that one up to...

Yeah, I would-- I wouldn't count

that shot, either.

No, absolutely not.

Uh, anyway, what I want --

what happened was we had --

got into a truck

and tractor pull

kind of by accident

up at the lodge.

Like, what happened was

that stinky peterson

and moose thompson

got their vehicles -- the truck

and the tra-- locked together,

'cause he backed up,

and then they hitch-caught,

and they started

going like so,

and then, before you knew it,

they cleared a lot of trees out.

Shh!

[ crow caws ]

shh!

Fore!

I missed it again!

[ laughs ]

can you believe that?

Three whiffers in a row!

Yeah.

Three of --

I've never seen that.

Have you seen that?

Oh, that's funny.

That is really funny.

[ laughs ]

oh, wait till the guys

in the lodge hear that.

They'll -- they'll laugh!

Because that is a riot!

They will laugh!

Yeah, yeah.

Unless, of course,

nobody tells them.

Oh, uh, well, again, here,

I just --

I think --

I think I'm throwing you off.

I would just not --

I would just not count that.

You're right.

Yeah, I won't count that.

Yeah, fair is fair.

Yeah, yeah.

So, anyway, I thought,

you know,

since we've got this whole

underbrush gone behind the lodge

and you being

with natural resources

and you being

a lodge member,

you could get us

some seedlings or --

shh!

Fore!

Oh.

Yes!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

Yeah.

[ sighs ]

I guess that tree there is

the next one I'm gonna measure.

Yeah.

What about the seedlings?

I could use ferns or --

oh, yeah. No problem.

Okay, great.

Appreciate it.

I really appreciate it.

[ grunting ]

one!

[ grunting ]

two!

Is 200 enough?

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ Saturday night,

when the sun goes down ♪

♪ that's when the boys

all gather around ♪

♪ they come and ask me,

as nice as you please ♪

♪ if I'll entertain them

with my old trick knees ♪

♪ I snap them,

I pop them ♪

♪ they crunch

and they crack ♪

♪ I slip off the caps

and slide them 'round the back ♪

♪ all the boys,

they just love it ♪

♪ I feel 10 feet tall ♪

♪ you know,

if it wasn't for my arthritis ♪

♪ we wouldn't have any fun

at all ♪

oh, uncle red,

you better hurry up.

Get the old lead out,

'cause we got lots of mail

to answer today.

There sure is

a whole bunch of them.

We better just jump right in

and answer them right away,

you know,

get right in at it.

Maybe I'll just do that.

I can read them first,

and then you can answer them.

That will work.

I'll just do that. Okay.

"dear red, is it just me

or has the whole world

gone screwy?"

it's both.

Interesting.

"dear red, as a feminist,

"I wonder

if you feel that men

"will be able to overcome

their baser instincts

"and their

social preprogramming

"and treat women

as equals as human beings

"and as whether the sexes

can, in fact, cooperate

"and respect

each other's differences

"while avoiding prejus--

"pre-- pre-- prejudging

the other's talents

and/or abilities."

yeah.

Okay.

"dear red, what kind of lure

do you use for picarel?"

all right, I use a spinner,

mepps number 7,

if I'm, uh, trolling in daylight

with the sun and no cloud.

If you have cloud,

then I go with a number 3

or sometimes a number 4, 'cause

you can go deep with those,

and they still pick up

enough light

to give that natural shimmer

that the picarel really go for.

If it's night trolling

that we're talking about,

uh, I go with a number 1

with double hooks on it,

which I had actually

custom-made for myself

by a jeweler

right here in town.

Uh, last weekend in may,

maybe two years ago,

I was picarel fishing

on lake scugog,

and I, uh --

I hooked into a beauty.

It was about 14 pounds,

21 inches of fish,

and I got her in there

with, uh, I think it was

a 40-pound test line

with a metal leader on it.

[ laughs ]

we certainly hit a nerve there.

Okay, final letter,

uncle red.

"dear red, I like fishing,

but I cannot abide hunting.

"my wife, on the other hand,

sees no difference between them

"and says that both

are a form of murder

"and that we as a civilization

will have to leave them behind

"if we are to survive

as a species ourselves.

"I think

her neo-buddhist theories

"are simply untenable and

oversimplistic in the extreme.

Do you agree?"

yeah.

That's it?

Yeah.

Well, we -- we have time

if you want to expand

on your answers, uncle red.

Well, all right.

Uh, that day

that I caught the picarel,

I'd been fishing deep

all day,

two, three feet

off the bottom.

I was ready

to pack it in...

Red: Bill had invited me

to come out behind the lodge,

and we were gonna fool around,

do a little bit of archery.

Uh, I think maybe, you know,

he should have waited

until I got there,

but, uh, on the other hand,

uh...

You know,

all things being considered,

I'm kind of glad

that I didn't walk back there.

Yeah, that's a nice treat.

Thank you, bill.

And, uh, he hit the rad

real good there.

Uh, I believe that was actually

a new hole.

I wasn't too happy.

But he was fine.

He got his arrow back.

Anyway,

uh, he sticks a target up,

and, uh, the idea is

this is what we're gonna try

and hit, the two of us.

Now, bill's a bit of an expert

on, uh, bow and arrow,

and I've -- I've never --

never done anything with that,

but he told me,

"now, you put this thing on.

It's called a quiver,"

which is something that you do

when you're around bill

and he has a bow and arrow,

believe me.

And he showed me how to hold it

and everything,

and I think a lot of times

it's easier to, uh --

maybe to do something

than to show somebody, you know.

And then you get the arrow

out of there.

And, you know,

I'm kind of a robin hood.

Now, bill was having

a few problems.

Uh, bill?

Bill?

So, I just, uh...

Bill?

Bill, you want to just, uh...

Yeah.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

All right, so, uh,

we're all set up there,

and -- oh, no.

Uh, that was good of him

to show me

some of the things

that can go wrong when you're --

oh, look at that, now.

And then they seem to have

a mind of their own,

some of these arrows, I guess.

Me, just being a beginner,

I didn't have these problems.

That wasn't a bad shot.

And we were pretty darn --

pretty darn proud of ourselves.

That's, uh --

that's not bad, you know.

[ clears throat ]

oh, bill.

Bill took a --

bill took a hit here.

Golly.

Golly, that -- ohh.

And that shirt, uh --

that shirt will never --

oh, look out.

Oh.

That is so dangerous.

Um,

I don't know what you call that.

And then this -- oh.

This is what happens to a lot

of middle-aged men, apparently.

Some sort of --

oh, that won't work, bill.

Now, just as we were -- he's

gonna show me a practical ap--

there goes a --

and he can just --

he showed me how to hunt

with one of these,

and he's just following

the flight of the bird, kind of.

And now, this, to me --

this was a mistake.

I don't care what bill says.

He was more interested

in the bird.

I was watching that arrow,

'cause it went straight up,

and then, of course,

what it did then

was come, uh,

pretty well straight down.

[ clears throat ]

oh, boy.

We got her out of there.

He was fine.

Till he got a big -- now, he

wanted me to light this arrow,

and we just couldn't

quite coordinate.

I think I was --

that didn't strike --

no, that was wrong.

That was definitely wrong.

So I thought I'd light it first,

and we may have put the stuff

on a little heavy, you know.

We just -- of course, this

is retrospect again, you know.

And then -- well, that's not --

thank you, bill.

I don't --

I think he went to get some w--

yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, you missed it, bill.

Uh, so, now we're starting to

light the lodge field on fire,

and, uh, bill picks it up.

Now, his solution

is the stick in the bucket,

which I think had water in it,

and then he just throws it

in the --

well, that was great.

Thank you, bill. Thank you.

"it is summer.

"you hear the pure joy in their

laughter outside your window.

"you watch them out on the lawn,

"running through

your sprinkler --

"a half dozen middle-aged men,

naked.

It must be happy hour

at the legion."

uncle red,

when -- when you were in school,

did you have gym class?

I think so.

Those seven years

are a little blurry.

Why?

Well, I don't get

the point of it.

I mean, other than

to give people an opportunity

to flick naked flesh

with a towel --

an opportunity

that does not come up

in math or history class --

who needs gym?

That's, uh, part of

your education, harold.

You know, it, uh, prepares you

for life.

Oh, pbht, what does gym class

really prepare you for?

You show me

one chief executive officer

who got to the position

he's in

because he was good

at dodgeball.

Where would we be?

Where would be if henry ford

decided to play field hockey

and eventually went

into coaching

and finally

into broadcasting?

Where would we be?

Oh, yes. Okay, I know what

you're thinking, uncle red.

There's a lot

of good russian gymnasts.

But have you ever driven

a lada?

What's your point,

harold?

Well, I was hoping maybe you

wouldn't mind phoning my dad

and getting me excused from gym

for the rest of the year,

especially before we have

that dance class

with the girls next week.

Think about it,

you know.

We'll be right back

with, uh, more of the same.

Even more so, and good.

Red: Yeah, it's a great day

for fishing, hap,

and that's why we are.

Mind you, we got no way of

telling if the fish are biting.

Not unless we were in

a submarine.

Well, that's gonna be

a tough one, hap.

I don't think the launch ramp

at the marina

could take the weight.

No,

this is freshwater.

When I was in the navy,

we stayed in saltwater oceans.

[ sighs ]

the deepest parts --

chasms and the trenches.

I didn't know

you were in the navy, hap.

What year was that?

Oh, that's classified.

Military secret.

It was at the height

of the cold war

I joined

the undersea service.

Submarines, or,

as we used to call them, subs.

Six months

without seeing sunlight,

undersea

in a nuclear sub,

playing cat and mouse

with the russkies.

I didn't think

there were any nuclear subs

in the canadian navy,

hap.

That's why I joined

the american navy.

That's where

the action was.

Nuclear subs,

long as three football fields.

Would that be american football

fields or canadian?

Oh, that's --

that's classified.

I used to work

in the engine room.

I was a stoker,

stoking that nuclear fuel.

Well, you know, hap, I-I think

they just use the stokers

on those

coal-powered ships.

[ laughs ]

red, you can't --

you can't burn coal underwater.

The water would come down the

chimney and put the fire out.

No, this was nuclear fuel --

uranium 287.

I'd fling open the door

on that nuclear furnace

and shovel in a heap of uranium,

close the door.

You mean to say, hap,

you just had piles of uranium

lying around and you just

would scoop that up?

Well,

didn't have to use a lot.

One shovelful would power a sub

for...Two months.

And I wore lead pants.

I had 400-pound trousers.

They had

to weld the fly shut.

Well, what happened when

you had to go to the bathroom?

See, that's --

that's top secret.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Yeah,

we had to be cleared.

I'll tell you,

we had a few casualties.

Well, you know, hap,

they say that, in war,

the first casualty

is the truth.

Yeah.

Well, uh,

buster finally got his chance

to blow up the hot-water bottle,

and, god, you know,

he did real well.

But he got it inflated

to the point

where it had filled up the den

and it was actually spilling out

into the lobby here.

He had his arms and his legs

wrapped around it there,

and, yeah, he was determined

he was gonna explode the thing,

you know,

but it never got that far

because it unfortunately

caught on one of the antlers

which punctured a little hole

in there,

and, god,

the air come out some fast

that the whole rig blew out

the side door

and skipped down the lake with

buster hanging on for dear life.

You know, it's not every day

you get to see a man

riding a 15-foot rubber bladder.

No harm done, though,

'cause, I mean, it petered out

way before it got to the falls.

Buster just swam back.

But now the whole area

smells like buster's breath.

Anyway, uh,

if my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home

tonight,

and, yes, I am bringing

the tv guide.

So, uh, thanks to all of you

for tuning us in,

and until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.