The Catfish Project/Transcript

Intro
{Red stands fishing by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: A lot of times, a new product will come on the market, and one of the guys will say, "Boy, that is so simple, why didn't we think of that?", which I choose to take as a compliment. Basically, we have no respect for the creative process. Our attitude is, "If somebody thought of it, anybody could've thought of it, including one of us. We were just too busy watching TV or eating or something." It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Bill spinning around in a circle as he winds up to throw a discus. After spinning around for several seconds, he releases his grip on the discus, and it flies through the air and hits one of the windshield wipers on the Possum Van, knocking it off.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} In today's show, Bill's gonna throw the discus... right into my windshield wiper. Thank you, Bill.

{Cut to Red and Dougie, the latter holding up his hands and pinching his index finger and thumb together.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Dougie, I guess, has picked up something off the carpet. I don't know what he's doing there.

{Cut to Red, who has cut a rowboat in half and adds a piece of a second cut rowboat into the first cut one to make it longer.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'm gonna actually show you how to make a stretch rowboat.

{Cut to Buzz trying clean off his plane with a broom.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Buzz is gonna dry-clean his plane.

Plot Segment 1
''{The camera pans through the lodge to Harold. The audience applauds.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And now, here's the man who proves where there's a will, there's a wilderness, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

{Red enters, waving to everyone.}

RED GREEN: Thank you. Thank you very much. {gestures toward Harold} And now, meet the guy who proves where there's a will, there's a won't, {points to Harold} my nephew and director by marriage, Harold.

''{Harold plays his switcher. A fish appears and "swims" across the screen. Harold laughs and whoops.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, man. Big stuff up at the lodge this week. One of the local churches is having their annual fishing fundraiser contest thing: the "Catch a Catfish For Confirmation" contest. And all the proceeds are gonna go to their "Bible In Every Motel Room" fund. So out in Possum Lake, we got to have five hundred fishermen out there, casting, throwing, whatever. Moose Thompson is so convinced he's gonna catch a great, big catfish that he took the winch off his truck, and he soldered it to {raises hand in the air} a great, big metal flagpole.'

HAROLD GREEN: Wow! How many fish have we reeled in so far?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} None. {back to camera} In fact, if this keeps up, it might turn into the biggest bait contest. But I figure they got to catch a catfish eventually, 'cause catfish are bottom feeders, and you can't get more bottom than Possum Lake.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, there aren't any catfish in Possum Lake. They like fresh water.

RED GREEN: Oh, you're just whining 'cause the catfish are smarter than you, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: That's not true! I'm just not interested in fishing because I am a television producer.

RED GREEN: Oh, that's right. He's already a bottom feeder.

Segue: Buzz Sherwood
{Buzz is trying to clean the wings of his plane with a broom.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: And you know, these wings, they're really strong. You know, the other night, we were having a party. {gives a thumbs-up} I had seven people on this thing dancing! Great party! Good thing we didn't hit any air pockets. {shakes head around} Whoa! {cackles}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by running a stick up and down on a chain while holding a straw in his mouth, trying to hum through it.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Well, you can see the effect
 * Of the modeling school
 * In the way she walks and she sits,
 * But there simply is not
 * A ladylike way
 * To get rid of watermelon pits.
 * No, you can't really hide them,
 * There's nowhere to put them,
 * And eating them is really tough.
 * So I say you hock back
 * And spit them at the waiter
 * And eventually he'll stop serving the stuff.

Buddy System
{Red and Dougie run down into the lodge basement and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: Well, here it is: two days to go 'til the big weekend camping trip. No kids, no housework, no responsibilities... and no way you're gonna get to go. {shakes head}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Because you haven't told her yet. {Red shakes his head} And when you do, hoo! She's gonna blow a head gasket!

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Why is it that men leave everything to the last minute? I think we just try to cover our backsides by saying we like to be spontaneous. You know what I think it is? I think we're afraid of the women!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: No, no, Red, I disagree. I think it's just 'cause, well, we're really just kind of ashamed of ourselves.

RED GREEN: {nods} Anyway, we're gonna give you an excuse so you'll be able to go to the trip, all right? Like, you got to, say, come up with a dying relative or a friend.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Preferably one out of town.

RED GREEN: Yeah, one she's never heard of.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: And you're gonna say something to the effect of, uh, "He's gonna be on his death bed on Friday night. And, uh, I'll, of course, be taking my golf clubs and my fishing tackle just in case there's some weird music and a bolt of lightning comes down and he's up on his feet on Sunday, looking for something to do."

RED GREEN: Well, she's gonna see through that like a screen door. She'll know you're lying.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {holding index finger and thumb together} Well, and that's the trick to bad lying. I mean, you got to let your loved one think she figured it all out for herself.

RED GREEN: That way, she'll get mad and get it all blown off in a big hurry 'cause you're just so pathetic and stupid.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: And then, of course, you can go off with the guys for a while. And, you know, she'll have a couple of days to cool her jets, maybe realize how much she wants, needs, and misses you.

RED GREEN: {holds up index finger} But don't stay away too long, {Dougie shakes his head} 'cause she might realize how much she really wants, needs, and misses you. {Dougie nods}

Harold's Announcements
''{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a clipboard.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {reading} "For sale–" {stumbles briefly} "For sale: do-it-yourself mink coat, mink stole, mink jacket, and mink hat. Kit includes one male mink, one female mink, there's a bag of mink food, and one cage. Some assembly required." {puts ad in trash can, which suddenly shakes around}

Handyman Corner
{Red drives up to a spot outside the lodge and parks the car.}

RED GREEN: You know, with everybody out on Possum Lake trying to catch themselves a catfish, I thought I would share with you one of the secrets of freshwater fishing. Just one word: "image". You gotta look like you're the expert. It doesn't catch you any more fish. But it sure intimidates the other fishermen, and fisherwomen, fisherkids, and so on. And it makes them lose their concentration, and they start doing stupid things. You know, sticking their hooks in their thumbs or trying to scale fish with the outboard motor or, even worse, they try to copy you! That pretty much guarantees failure. {walks behind van and sees two fishing boats back there} Now, I got a couple of fishing boats on a trailer here. {stops short as he notices no trailer at all} I did have them on a trailer. Well, it looked like a 1-7/8, but I guess that was a two-inch hitch. There's only two ways, really, to create an image. One is to lie, which has been pretty much overused since the Nixon era. {opens back doors of van} And the other one is to have real impressive-looking fishing equipment. {takes out a chainsaw} But that takes a lot of money. So today I'm gonna show you how you can use a real cheap method to look like a rich, successful fisherman. {walks up to one fishing boat} You've all seen a stretch limo. You heard of one of them DC-Stretch-8 airplanes. How about a stretch fishing boat? Alls you need is a chainsaw, and you can turn a pair of punts into a two-huller.

''{Red tries to start up the chainsaw, but it won't turn on. Wipe to a later scene. Red has turned on the chainsaw and is cutting through the boat, which is burning from the sparks caused by the chainsaw. Wipe again, as Red has put the chainsaw aside and is instead cutting up the boats with an axe. One boat is cut in half, while the other has a piece cut out of the middle.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. Now we got all our pieces to make ourselves a really big fishing boat. {tosses axe aside} Here's an extra bonus. {holds up chainsaw} We managed to make ourselves an anchor. That was lucky. All right, now what we got to do is separate our bow out from our stern here to start stretching her out. So let's get the bow out of the way. {pulls bow of boat with cut in middle away from the first boat, creating a huge gap} All righty. Just gonna try and line up the cuts there. That looks good. {runs back up to boat} All right, now we get the stern out through there. {pulls stern out to make gap even bigger} All right. Now all we gotta do is come in here and take our midship, move it back into our midship. {pulls cut-up midship from second boat into gap, grunting with effort, making a stretch boat} There we go. Now, of course, you just connect all these pieces together using, say, rivets or welding or, you guessed it, the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {gets into boat and takes oars out} Now, the paddles here have gotta go, 'cause you cannot be powering a craft of this nature and try to look affluent if you're driving along with paddles. {tosses oars out} So I would recommend you go with an outboard motor on there of some nature. Maybe 100 horsepower, maybe even more, depending on how bad your seams leak. {suddenly becomes concerned as he notices the cut-up pieces remaining} Oh, wow. All right, we, uh... we have a couple pieces left over here. We have a bow, and we have a stern. You know how I hate leftovers. {suddenly brightens up and snaps fingers} Got an idea.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the main pieces of the boat together, and the two smaller remaining pieces have been duct-taped together and put on top of the main boat as a Bimini top. An outboard motor has been added to the stern.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. What's better than a stretch fishing boat? How about a stretch fishing boat with a Bimini top? Huh? Keeps the sun off you and your cooler. Keeps the rain off. Talk about image! You'll look like Cleopatra barging her way down the Nile. {steps into boat to turn on outboard motor} So, until next time, happy fishing. And remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {looks up at Bimini top} Oh, here's another bonus: {shoves it off boat onto the ground} She doubles as a lifeboat. That's probably the most important feature of all.

Commercial bumper
{Red is seen with Buzz taking stuff out of the latter's plane.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Coming up, we're gonna clean out Buzz's plane, and I'm gonna split some wood...

{Red stands out in the woods, cutting some wood while wearing a yellow slicker.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...while I talk with the teenagers, so it won't be a complete waste of time.

Red's Teen Talk
''{Red is seen in the woods outside the lodge in a yellow slicker. He is trying to split a log with an axe. Another axe is embedded in the log.}''

RED GREEN: I was in town the other day and saw a bunch of kids on those roller blades. You know what roller blades are? They're those little skates that have, uh, couch casters on them instead of blades. {puts down axe and holds up hands defensively} Now, look, I don't like to make judgments about you teenagers and your free time and how you waste it, {scowls} but are you guys crazy or what?! Skates are for ice, not for pavement. I mean, fall on ice skates, and... okay, you're gonna slide for a while. You might scawn your noggin on the goal post or something. But you'll get over it. You know, you'll be able to carry on a conversation, {takes axe again} perhaps have children of your own someday. Whereas if you fall on the roller blades on the pavement there, and you're gonna leave a trail of skin and flesh that's gonna make it real hard to identify the body at the end of the skid mark. You know, when the human form comes into glancing contact with a gritty surface like, say, cement or pavement, the coefficient to friction is really working against you there. So, for gosh sakes, take it easy. If you have to be on wheels... hotwire a car or something! {chops at another area of the log}

Harold's Announcements 2
''{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a clipboard.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {reading} "Wanted: any and all Kathie Lee Gifford albums. Will pay cash for your Kathie Lee Gifford records, including her 'Best of' album and 'Kathie Lee Sings Her Favorite Christmas Carols'." Haw! "Contact the Possum Lodge Lake Skeet Shooting Club." {becomes annoyed as he puts ad in trashcan} Oh, that's not even– {becomes startled as trashcan shakes around}

Harold's Announcements 3
''{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a clipboard.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {reading} "For sale: used barbecue. It's a gas barbecue that's for sale. The tank is rusted, burners are rusted, the hoses are ruptured, glass is cracked, and the wheels are broken. $300 or best offer." {puts letter in trashcan, which shakes}

Commercial bumper
{Red is seen talking to Winston next to his sewage truck.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned. Winston Rothschild will be here to pump you out.

{Red stands in the lodge, covered in white fish guts.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And you'll want to be close by when the catfish explodes.

Harold's Announcements 4
''{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a clipboard.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Next– Next: {reads} "Would the owner of an '85 Le Sabre with a blue door, primer-red trunk, gray-primer fender, missing rear left fender, white hood, and a rusted roof, would you please buy a new car, for Pete's sake?" {puts letter in trashcan, which shakes, startling Harold}

Plot Segment 4
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

well, we just reeled in

our first fish

in the "catch a catfish

for confirmation" contest,

and, man, it's a beauty.

47 feet long.

47 feet?

One fish?

Yep, 47-foot catfish.

That would have to be a record,

I would think, of some kind.

Wa-a-a!

That's not a record.

That's some kind of mutant

freak of nature, I would think.

That's scary.

Well, you would know,

harold.

I'll tell you, they reeled it

up onto the beach here.

They had to use

flinty mcclintock's tow truck.

First time a tow truck

had been used to bring in a fish

as far as I would know.

Wow. Who managed to reel in

and land a fish that size?

Oh, don't tell me.

Moose thompson and his

custom-made fishing rod, right?

The one that has the winch

soldered to the flagpole.

[ chuckles ]

no. Old man sedgwick.

Caught it on his anchor

using stinky peterson as bait.

I'm guessing

there's a story here.

It's a normal fish story,

harold.

Old man sedgwick throws

the anchor over.

Anchor chain tangles around

stinky's foot. Over he goes.

Fish swallows stinky, dies,

floats to the surface.

They tow the fish in,

fish belches, out comes stinky.

[ laughs ]

unbelievable.

Stinky said you should have

seen the one that got away.

Just a normal fish story.

Oh, yeah, captain "aflab"

and moby "doink."

here we are

with buzz sherwood,

our resident bush pilot

and daredevil extraordinary.

Red, you know, you're only

as young as you feel.

That's true.

Boom!

[ laughs ]

I'm gonna be going up

in the plane with buzz today,

so, buzz,

tell us a bit about it.

Is this, what,

a cessna 150, is it?

Actually, red,

this is kit plane.

I built it around

an old volkswagen beetle

I used to have.

Actually,

I had nine of them.

Hey, hop on.

All right.

Age before beauty.

[ laughs ]

ah, you got

a bit of stuff here, buzz.

Oh, well, throw it out.

Throw it out.

All right.

Yeah, after today

I'm gonna sell beauty,

and I'm gonna buy

a submarine.

What? Where you

gonna find a submarine?

Down on possum lake.

I was doing some, uh, low-level

trolling this morning, you know,

in the "catch a catfish

for confirmation" contest.

You go trolling

from an airplane?

Yeah, with this.

Scares the bejesus

out of the contestants.

[ laughs ]

anyway, I see someone's

beached their submarine

over on rock reef point.

I even took a picture of it.

See?

That's not a submarine.

That's the big catfish

old man sedgwick caught.

Wow! No kidding!

Yeah.

Whoa. Well, keep the

geiger counter in there, man.

We got to

check this mutant out.

All righty.

Whoa!

That was the greatest!

Man, harold,

you missed some great stunts.

I mean, technically,

these planes aren't capable of

doing those kind of maneuvers,

but the people that write

the technical manuals,

they're a bunch of wimps!

[ laughs ]

well, thanks, buzz.

I really,

really enjoyed that ride,

and, uh, very educational.

Yeah!

It was educational for me, too!

I had no idea

he knew those kind of words.

[ laughs ]

"winter warmth," by me.

We all scarf down

seven bowls of lodge chili.

Then we're off to sit

in the ice-fishing hut,

where it's minus-10 degrees,

windchill factor minus-30.

It's "male call."

[ bell rings ]

wa-a-a!

Got a letter here from,

uh, vincent kuhm.

Vincent has drawn a picture

of you and I, harold.

Boy, he sure got you right,

didn't he?

Yeah.

Made you

a little thin, though.

See, I got a letter here from

matthew babee from edmonton.

Matthew is one of

our younger viewers.

And matthew writes,

"sometimes my siblings

say that 'the red green show'

is for idiots."

oh, I don't think so.

Does your family

watch the show, harold?

Nope.

See?

All righty.

There's a letter here fr--

hey, wait a second!

Here's a letter here from karen

in au train, michigan.

And she says,

"your show is just like

"what is happening here

in au train

with us and our neighbors."

well, karen,

I would suggest you move...

Say beirut

or somewhere safe.

Wa-a-a!

Good advice.

Oh, uncle red, listen to this.

Listen to this. Listen to this.

Sounds just like

the possum van.

"p.S., one person up here

actually buried an old van

and used it

for a septic tank."

wa-a-a!

Well, I'm not planning

on doing that

with the possum van,

harold.

Well, I know not you,

but I thought maybe the guy

who sold it to you did that,

you know.

"the mating season," by me.

Spring, the mating season,

the courting ritual.

The primping and preening

by the male.

The teasing and eventual

consenting by the female.

The decision as to who pays

for the room.

oh, okay.

[ rattling ]

[ water splashes ]

well, that huge dead catfish

that old man sedgwick

reeled up onto the beach

has turned into

a real attraction here.

I cannot believe people

don't have anything better to do

than stand around

and look at a dead fish.

Just like old man sedgwick

looking in the mirror, harold.

You know what

he's gonna do with it?

Feed africa for a year?

No, harold, he wants to

make money with the thing.

Uncle red, you cannot make money

off a dead catfish.

Now, harold,

that's exactly the reason

your generation

can't find jobs.

What we're gonna do

is we were thinking maybe

cover it up with sheet metal,

make it a tourist attraction --

carl the chrome catfish.

But that was before we got

the fish-oil idea.

Excuse me? Fish oil?

Yeah, fish oil.

You know, like you have

cod-liver oil.

Why not sedgwick's catfish

gall-bladder oil?

It'll be a medicine.

Who's gonna prescribe it,

dr. Kevorkian?

Wa-a-a!

No, harold,

we're gonna get rich here.

You know, whale oil, they use

that for cosmetics and perfume.

Why can't there be

catfish cosmetics?

Yeah, you could call it

"fish face."

[ laughs ]

laugh if you want, harold.

You won't be laughing when you

see our colognes in every store.

Oh.

Catfish perfume --

it'll reel in the suckers.

I tell you, harold,

that fish is a windfall.

[ spraying ]

whoo-hoo.

Yeah, but only if you're upwind.

Since we're coming out

with our new line

of catfish colognes

and fish fragrances,

thought I'd talk to local

entrepreneur winston rothschild.

If your septic overflows,

just call winston with his hose.

Yeah, winston, you've made

a real successful business here,

have you not?

Red, I like to think I've gone

from effluence to affluence.

[ slurping ]

so, uh, winston,

we're starting a new thing here.

What do you think's

the most important thing

when you're going

into business?

Is it, uh, reliability

of the service,

the dependability,

the honesty?

What is it? What is

the real secret to this thing?

No, no, the secret is having

a catchy, flashy name

that folks

can remember, eh.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I learned that from a course

I once took called, uh,

"the ultimate

super success story --

in one easy step to riches,

fame, and glory."

[ slurping ]

oh!

I was gonna call my company

tidy toidy, eh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had this little animated

character called mr. Tidy toidy,

and he'd be sitting there,

holding a big hunk of hose

in two feet of sewage, eh.

But it was too, uh, well,

you know, uh...

Yeah.

Cute.

Yeah. Cute.

Then I was gonna call it

mcdrainage, eh.

But some major fast-food chain

threatened to sue me.

Oh, sure.

Oh, I see.

What you're saying is

the secret to success

is for us to find ourselves

a catchy name.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Youse guys are looking for

a name for perfume, right?

Uh-huh.

So it's got to be a hot name

that suggests romance.

I'm thinking, uh, "sin."

oh, uh, "fling."

ooh. Or how about this --

"buck naked and drunk."

what do you think?

Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, listen,

there's a whale of a stench

down by the beach right now.

I believe someone's

in need of my services.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's just the big catfish

old man sedgwick caught.

That thing's been lying out

in the sun all afternoon.

Really?

Yeah.

[ sniffs ]

hey, that gives me

a good idea

for the name

of your perfume, eh.

Great.

How about "swoon"?

Well, that's it for this fish,

so thanks for watching.

On behalf of the fish

and keep your fish on the...

Uncle red? Uncle red?

Uncle red, what happened to

the fish in the -- ho! Hello!

Whoo! There's a fish on that --

are you -- what happened?

Catfish.

Oh, hi, harold.

What -- the 47-foot fish,

uncle red. What happened?

Gone.

Gone?

Gone.

A-are you all right?

Yeah. A little dizzy

from the concussion, harold.

The concussion?

Bottom feeder, harold,

catfish.

Moose soldering, propane.

Left the tank going.

Still going.

Falls into the lake.

Still going.

Did I say --

still going.

Still going.

And catfish comes along,

and a big catfish.

47 feet.

3 feet.

3 feet. Good one.

Swallows the propane.

Still going.

Inflates, harold.

Really big.

47 feet.

All propane, harold.

Moose cutting it

with a chainsaw.

Spark.

Boom, harold.

Boom. Boom. Yeah.

Boom.

Rained fish for 30,

40 minutes, harold.

Ew.

I'm fine. I kept my clothes,

but moose --

the chainsaw, the overalls,

the body hair...

...His future family gone.

[ screeching ]

uncle red,

that was the cry of the possum.

It's meeting time, okay?

It was horrible, harold.

Raining fish.

Okay, well,

we'll just get you cleaned up,

and then we'll go

to the meeting, okay?

Yeah. Boom,

and then fish.

Fish as far

as you can see, harold.

Well, if my aunt bernice

is watching,

uncle red will be okay

in a few minutes.

And, uh,

for the rest of you,

on behalf of myself

and uncle red

and everyone else

up here at possum lodge,

thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice,

okay?

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all: Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

Red:

[ nasally ] oh, man!

All right,

we don't know what it is.

But hopefully

someday it'll be on its way

and we won't

have to worry about it.

Harold,

can you explain this at all?

Whoo!

What?

To find out more about

possum lodge merchandise,

call 1-800-ypossum

or check out harold's home page

on the internet,

www.Redgreen.Com.