The Butter Man/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, for a kid

there's nothing more exciting

than trimming

the old christmas tree.

But after the holidays

have gone by 40 or 50 times,

it's really hard

to get up for it

without large

quantities of alcohol.

But as every handyman knows,

there are two

ways to do anything...

The right way,

and the quick way.

Man, I am so clever.

And now, quicker than

you can say o, tannenbaum --

or ask somebody what

the heck it means,

you've decked your halls.

Ho, ho, ho.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ cheers and applause ]

yeah.

Thanks very much.

Appreciate that.

All the best

of the holiday season.

Don't burn yourself

on your credit card.

I'm pretty excited coz I got a

great christmas gift for harold.

Harold's not just

hard to buy for.

He's hard to want

to buy for.

[ chuckles ]

but he's driving up

to his parents' place,

and he's so useless

on directions

that I got him one of these

talking navigational systems.

I programmed in

the destination.

Listen to this...

Robotic voice:

Go north on #4 side road

12.7 kilometers --

[ chuckles ]

I got a real deal

on this baby.

No box, no warranty,

no store.

I bought it from mike.

Yeah, the price was right.

When the cops went by,

he cut that in half.

I can't wait to give

this to harold.

Uncle red! Uncle red!

Yeah, yeah, harold,

you know what?

I can't wait to give

you this gift.

Here you go.

Yeah, but it's

not christmas yet.

I know, but this

is something you can

start using right now.

Oh, okay!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Well,

here's your gift.

It's something you can

use right away as well.

Oh, great.

Fantastic!

Holy mackerel!

Look at the size of the

instruction manual.

[ unenthusiastic ]

oh, it's a book.

But not just

any book.

Look at the title.

"the butter man"?

"the better man."

oh.

It's to help you create

stability in your life.

Oh, great, great.

Great.

Oh! Oh!

Yeah.

Oh, lookit!

I've wanted one

of these for so long!

Oh -- what is that?

Just push the

red button, harold.

The red button?

Robotic voice:

Quack!

No, no,

try it again.

Oh.

Robotic voice:

Quack!

Gimme that.

Okay.

Robotic voice:

Quack!

Quack! Quack! Quack!

[ quacking continues ]

you might wanna start

with chapter 4...

[ laughter and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives this coupon

for a free box of

tinsel from tinsel town.

The only store that

sells only tinsel

all year round.

Don't forget

our tinsel slogan...

"how's it hangin'?"

okay, ed,

cover your ears.

Mr. Green, you've got

30 seconds to get ed frid

to say this word...

Yeah,

all right, mike.

And... Go!

Uh, okay, ed,

you find this under the tree.

Squirrel droppings.

No, no, no, you find this

under the christmas tree

on christmas morning.

Aunt helen.

No, okay, okay, ed,

what do you always

get at christmas?

Oh, hives.

Okay, no, um...

This is red and green

in colour and has a bow.

Robin hood?

No, uh -- okay,

when you go

shopping at the mall,

what do you get?

Bored.

Um, ed,

remember a year ago?

What was your girlfriend

hiding from you?

Her other boyfriends.

Ahem, we're almost

outta time, mr. Green.

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Ed, remember when you

were a kid at christmas?

All you wanted to know is,

when are we opening the...

Cages!

No, no, I mean you'd come down

on christmas morning,

your eyes would be

wide open and you'd say,

wow! Look at all the...

Rats!

From the cages.

And I could really yell.

My voice had a lot of presence.

There we go!

♪ comes down the chimney

on christmas eve ♪

♪ after we've

all gone to bed ♪

♪ he's not all that

nice or jolly ♪

♪ until after

he's been fed ♪

♪ he's got beady eyes

and yellow teeth ♪

♪ and his fur drops off

when he molts ♪

♪ his tail kinda wiggles

and dances and jiggles ♪

♪ like a snake

takin' 300 volts ♪

♪ he's cheesy ♪

♪ cheesy ♪

♪ the christmas rat ♪

♪ long and smelly

and pretty darned fat ♪

♪ cheesy ♪

♪ cheesy ♪

♪ the christmas rat ♪

♪ dropping a little

surprise in your hat ♪

♪ it comes with a gift,

you don't have to beg ♪

♪ he here to give everyone

bubonic plague ♪

♪ cheesy ♪

♪ cheesy ♪

♪ the christmas rat ♪

♪ and that's why everybody

should have a gun! ♪

merry christmas.

[ applause ]

you know, christmas is a

time of peace on earth

and goodwill to men,

but nothing wrecks

that faster

than getting surprised

with a crappy gift.

Okay, you expect

a few crappy gifts.

That's what

grandparents are for.

But it's the surprise

that'll kill you.

So in keeping with

the christmas spirit.

I'm gonna show you how

to identify the duds

long before you open them.

That gives you time to

rehearse a big fake smile

on the off chance that the gift

is from a wealthy relative

who senses your disappointment

as you hurl it out the window,

putting their nose

out of joint,

and your name

outta the will.

Now, I know you've

all tried this one...

Shaking is for amateurs;

you're a professional.

We have a gift emergency!

Is there a doctor

in the house?

Big breath and hold.

Okay, if it doesn't shake

at all, it's clothing.

Big trouble because nobody

ever buys you the right size.

Mainly because you lie

about your size.

Even if it does shake,

don't be fooled.

It could be a cardigan

with a rock in the pocket.

Time to take her

to the next level.

Now you wanna check the opaque,

translucent transparency

quotient of the item.

Six sealed beam headlights

at close range

roughly approximates the

intensity of the sun.

What you're hopin' for

is a dark shape in there.

If it lets light through

it's a weave,

and you know what

that means...

Clothing.

Don't go halfway.

Use your high beams.

Still don't know?

It's time to do

something to the gift

that you would

never do to yourself...

Weigh it.

If it weighs a lot

for its size,

that's a really good sign.

Nylon and dacron

aren't heavy.

But if it's got

some heft to it,

that's gotta

be good news,

which this gift does.

This is getting exciting.

Now we try the magnet.

That's another good sign.

Unless it's a pair of pants

with a really huge fly.

But that's a whole different

kind of compliment.

Now we have to test the

resistance to compression.

See, a sports jacket can be

squished into a beret.

But a portable

magellan roadmate 700...

Rock solid.

What you're listening for

is any kind of faint

cracking or splintering.

If you hear either

one of those,

you can be sure

you've just made the gift

very difficult to return.

Man, it was a laptop!

I don't want

a laptop.

Who would buy

me a laptop?

"to harold"?

Boy, that was close.

[ applause ]

I wanna talk to you

older fellas for a minute

about your christmas spirit.

Remember when

you had some?

Back when you were a kid,

christmas was the

best time of the year.

No school, free stuff

and a fat guy falling

down a chimney.

What's not to like?

But then as you got older,

that excitement started

to fade, didn't it?

You used to love watching

"it's a wonderful life."

then you

just got sick of it.

Then you started

watching it again,

except this time you found

yourself rootin' for

old man potter.

Of course it's no surprise

that christmas gets

less exciting for a

middle aged guy.

By the end of the day

your wife is cranky

from over work;

the tree is dry

from under watering;

and the kids

are on a sugar buzz

that won't let up

'til groundhog day.

Here's the thing...

Just coz you're

stressed out,

that's no excuse for ruining

everybody else's christmas.

So I want you to

focus on the good stuff...

Your family loves you;

you've been blessed

with safety and comfort;

and most importantly,

when you wake up tomorrow,

you'll be as far away

from next christmas

as you're gonna

get all year.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in this together.

If something's coming down

your chimney and it

ain't santa,

call me.

[ applause ]

I want to say a few words to

the yuletide pollyanna's

out there.

Oh, now don't get me wrong.

You know, as a store owner

I'm a big fan of christmas.

I just have a slight problem

with all those people

who feel that everybody should

put on a happy face.

I don't have a happy face.

It's not that

I'm not happy.

I'm coping.

You know, I didn't

smile at my wedding.

That didn't mean

I was upset.

I'm sure at the time

marrying anne marie

seemed like a fine idea.

So don't expect me

to get all giddy

just because it's -- it's

christmas, you know.

Those people with their big,

phony happy faces

are just

extremely annoying.

You know, and as far as I'm

concerned, those carolers,

they're just

asking for it.

So this christmas,

let's all just

back off a notch, shall we?

Merry christmas.

[ applause ]

okay, I've got

harold's navigational

device working like a charm.

He must have been

pressing the wrong button.

Check this out.

Robotic voice: You are

approaching dead man's curve.

Uncle red!

Yep?

I found your book

in the outhouse.

Yeah, I know.

I thought that was

the perfect spot for it.

Oh no, you're right.

Staples.

You know, I don't think you

have the christmas spirit.

I sure do.

In fact, I'm offering you

the possum van to drive up

to your parents' place.

Oh, no, no, no, thanks.

I'm renting a car.

Yeah, but I'm trying

to save you a few

dollars here.

Yes, but I want

to get there.

And you will,

harold,

with the

navigational wizard.

Here. Press the red

button this time.

Robotic voice:

You are a dead man.

[ laughter and applause ]

red: Well, harold and walter

had put a nice little

christmas display

with the reindeer

and the sleigh.

Just waiting for bill to

come on and see what he

thought of it.

Hmm.

I don't think he noticed.

I don't think he did

that on purpose.

And when they pointed it out

to him he felt real bad.

Real -- oh my goodness.

You killed santa.

So he's an idea, though.

He hands him the extension

cord and he's gonna --

I think --

you know, bill's

not a bad guy.

He would try to --

try to replace what he'd --

he has a washing machine.

I don't quite under--

but bill's --

oh, there goes santa again.

So, uh, bill hops out,

and I don't quite know

what he's got in mind here.

Walter's pointing out

about the santa and so on.

Bill -- oh, I see.

He brought some

christmas lights.

They're a little tangled,

but uh, harold's very, very

good with untangling.

Wow. Unbelievable.

So that's a little heavier

than she looks there, bill.

I don't think

you're gonna --

no, no, bill,

don't be doing that.

And bill remembers he's

got the big string --

uh, the big spring on

the hood release and --

oh, look out!

Oh, oh!

So, santa took

the hit again.

Walter duct taped

santa together.

This is the third time he's

blown up santa

and he's getting

a little woozy

so he comes over

to the wa --

now, easy now.

Settle down, settle down.

Into the --

just into the --

oh, oh oh. Oh.

Duct tape.

There you go.

So harold goes over

to plug the lights in,

and he plugs them in there,

and look at that.

That looks great.

I don't know what

the other wire's for.

Hey that looks

real good, real good.

So now we go back to

finish the display.

I'm not sure that -- oh!

Okay, we're good.

I'm not sure that filling

the santa with propane

was plan "a",

but all right.

Oh, okay, so the

washing machine is the sleigh.

I see. I see.

All right.

And what are these?

Jumper cables, these --

for what reason do we have

jumper cables here?

Maybe -- oh, okay.

These are the reins.

These are the reins

for the reindeer.

Wait a minute.

You got it on your

terminal there, bill.

Okay, so now --

but where are the reindeer?

You can't have

reins without reindeer.

Okay, okay, so the garden

gnomes are the reindeer.

All right, okay.

I got you.

Okay, so we --

all right --

boy, I tell you, are they

going to pay attention.

Okay, so -- okay, I got it.

Santa's got the reins.

Okay, looking good.

And harold's got

to plug in the lights.

And she's looking good.

Now that is a good-looking --

then he picks up the --

now that's the agitator

plug, harold.

I don't think --

harold, I don't think --

harold. Harold?

Oh, oh.

Oh, boy.

Well, you better not pout,

you better not cry,

santa claus is

coming to town.

[ applause ]

look familiar?

My wife hates

this mess we always get

after we open our

christmas presents.

She says that every time

she crosses the room,

she's got to worry about

breaking something I gave her,

and then she

can't return it.

Now, sure, I could pick

this stuff up by hand

and recycle it

I guess.

But, hey, I got a

vacuum cleaner for christmas,

not a work ethic.

Now, you're supposed to put

a bag in the canister

of the unit,

but for this job,

we're going to let

the bag out of the vac.

The only other thing

you have to do

is position it a little bit

better in your room

so that the output

is pointing right

at the fireplace.

Then laying your fingers

upon your new hose

just aim at the crap,

and up the

chimney she goes.

By the way,

this idea's also great

for making certain

other things disappear.

Like, say, that sweater

harold bought me.

Acrylic.

[ applause ]

christmas is my favourite

day of the year.

It's a time for renewal

and forgiveness,

a time for reflection,

to think about all the things

you've done in your past,

you want to go back

and change some of them,

you won't get

caught next time.

But you can't undo the past,

so you must learn from it.

For example, you can learn

that security cameras

are often hooked up to more

than one machine at

the same time.

So when you

pull the tape out

and then you start

making faces

and making rude gestures

at the camera,

it's not always a prudent

behavioral choice.

But mainly christmas

is about people.

It's not about

the presents you get

and then you offer to give

back for a reduced sentence.

It's about good friends

spending time together

in a safe, warm place.

And that's what a wish for

each and every one of you,

to spend the time

of christmas together.

It's just like the song says...

"for the holidays,

"you just can't beat

home sweet home."

merry christmas.

[ applause ]

looking for that last-minute

stocking stuffer?

How about sewage?

Introducing a gift certificate

for one free pump-out

for your favourite loved one.

It's the gift

that keeps on sucking.

Trying to fix the wiring in

harold's navigational

unit here.

It's a little tricky

when you've got no manual,

no wiring diagram

and no formal training

of any kind.

But it seems to me a bad

connection in the power supply

to this circuit board here.

Well, you're

easy to find.

Where there's smoke,

there's uncle red.

Uh, harold, uh,

is there anything else you

wanted for christmas?

Oh, no.

No, that's lots.

How about yourself?

Would you like something

other than the book?

No, no, no.

The book is great.

Really?

Oh yeah.

It's brought stability

to my life.

You're welcome.

I tell you what,

harold.

I'm offering to drive

up with you to your

parents' place,

and I'll make

sure you get there.

Well, actually,

I'm taking bonnie with me.

I want her to meet

my parents, you know.

And she's good with maps,

and she's not bossy,

and she smells good.

You know, but the best part

is that you offered.

No, the best part is

I don't have to go.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead, harold.

I'll be right down.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And I don't need any

navigational system

to find my way.

I'm a homer.

And I'm hoping

to hit a homer.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

Oh behalf of myself, harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

have a great christmas

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ whistles and applause ]

sit down.

Have a seat.

Sit down. Sit down.

There you go.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

Okay men, I want you to enjoy

the holiday season,

but I'm asking you to use

a little restraint.

Don't be making

a fool of yourself

by eating too much or drinking

way too much at christmas.

That's what the

superbowl is for!

Merry christmas, guys.

Merry christmas.

Mike: Merry christmas,

everybody.

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