Rent A Wreck/Transcript

The complete transcript for Rent A Wreck

Opening Scene
''{Red walks up to a cluttered worktable outside the lodge. He holds a wrench.}''

RED GREEN: If you're like me, you probably have a drawer full of odd socks somewhere. You don't know what to do with 'em. Oh, sure, you might have a pea-head like Old Man Sedgewick and he can use 'em as tuques. But for the rest of us...

{Red walks out in front of the camera, wearing a tool belt with socks hanging from it.}

RED GREEN: ...may I humbly suggest... the sock tool belt. {puts wrench in one sock} Huh? So simple, it's breathtaking.

''{Red turns and walks off, but the socks have holes in them and the tools in the socks fall out on the ground. Red doesn't notice, however.}''

Intro
''{Red enters the lodge, waving as the audience cheers. He holds a card in his hand. He raises his arms up in the air and slowly brings them down as if to reduce the audience's cheering.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much! Thank you. Appreciate it. Had kind of a life-changing experience last week. Bernice and I {jerks thumb behind him} went into town to get some nails, and I– I just started losing it. You know, I started yelling at every other car on the road, and that's when I was walking down the sidewalk. And then in the hardware store, I'm giving the clerk grief because he's forcing me to buy a whole box of nails when I only need {holds up three fingers} three! {jerks his thumb behind him} I go out in the parking lot and I start hassling some squeegee kid. You know, I just– I got real upset that he's pointing out dirt on my windshield when he hasn't had a bath since '93! {shakes head} So I just– I'm going crazy! Then I hop in the van and I peel rubber right out of the parking lot! I'm just– I'm blowing a gasket here, and Bernice is, "Settle down! Settle down!" {holds up card} She gives me this card to help people like me that have to improve their behavior. Kinda make you settle down, be nicer, you know, and this helps you. {points to card} If you look, it has tips on here... {looks at card, squinting as he tries to read} helping me be a kinder, gentler, more forgiving and more helpful friend {looks up} to all that I meet. Eh? {smiles} See, the idea is, you help people out, you be kind to people, {looks and points at card again} and then you receive an abundance of rewards, both spiritual and physical, right here on the card.

{The front door of the lodge opens and Winston walks in.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Hey, Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {tossing Red a set of keys} Finished with the Possum Van, thanks for lending it to me.

RED GREEN: {looks at card} Well, uh, no problem, Winston. If I can help you, I'm happy to do that.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {perplexed} Okay... I gotta tell ya, I can't believe how much that van holds. You know I got every one of my sewage pumps inside of it?

RED GREEN: {looks at card again} I'm glad it was to your liking.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Anyway, I'd suggest airing it out the next couple of days. {leans in close} There was some spinach.

RED GREEN: {disgusted} Oh, man! {looks at card} Treasure your friends? {looks up} You didn't leave any treasures in there–

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: No, no, no, no. {hands Red a dollar bill} And here's twenty bucks. Thanks for the trouble.

RED GREEN: {impressed; holds up the money} Oh, man, well, there's a physical and spiritual reward right there! I'm telling ya–

{The front door opens again and Mike enters.}

MIKE HAMAR: Mr. Green! Can I borrow the van 'til tomorrow?

RED GREEN: Oh, sure you can, Mike. {looks at card} You don't even have to ask.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, yes, I do, it sounds better in court.

RED GREEN: All right, uh, here you go. {hands Mike the set of keys} You might want to drive with the windows open for a while.

MIKE HAMAR: {taking the keys} Okay.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I just returned the van today. {softly} I borrowed it yesterday.

MIKE HAMAR: That's an interesting anecdote.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I gave Red twenty bucks to show my appreciation.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I don't appreciate things as much as you.

RED GREEN: {waving dismissively} You know something, Mike? Don't worry about that. I'm happy to help you out if I can. You don't have to pay me anything.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: The least you could do is pay for the gas.

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll, uh, I'll fill the gas tank up before I return it. How 'bout that?

RED GREEN: Sounds good to me.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {shrugs} Seems fair.

MIKE HAMAR: Deal?

RED GREEN: Okay.

MIKE HAMAR: Okay.

''{Mike walks over to a plastic gas can with a long hose wrapped around. He picks it up and runs out the door while Red and Winston look at the card, talking softly and inaudibly among themselves.}''

The Possum Lodge Word Game
''{At Ranger Gord's tower, Harold is seated behind a table which Gord sits next to. Red climbs up the stairs to the tower.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game! Haw! And today, we're on location in Ranger Gord's fire watchtower. {Gord salutes to the camera} And Ranger Gord, he's going to be playing for the grand prize of... the Possum calendar girl! {holds up a calendar with a sexy woman on it}

RANGER GORD: Can I see that?

HAROLD GREEN: {handing calendar to Gord} Yeah, of course.

{Gord takes the calendar and stares at it with wonder.}

RED GREEN: Uh, I'm glad you like the prize, Gord, but I... Are you gonna be able to concentrate on the game...? {points and makes circling motion with his hand} You gonna be all right with the game? Gord? Gord, you gonna be– {shakes calendar} Gord, we have a game.

RANGER GORD: {looks up at Red} What?

RED GREEN: {shakes calendar} We have to play the game. We got a game to play.

RANGER GORD: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. {stares at calendar} What are these called again?

RED GREEN: {he and Harold leaning in close} What are what called?

RANGER GORD: These beautiful things.

HAROLD GREEN: What?

RANGER GORD: {pointing to calendar} This and this and this and this...

HAROLD GREEN: The women?

RANGER GORD: {smiles} Women! Yes! {looks at calendar some more}

RED GREEN: Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: Can I take the calendar back and then we can just get on... {trying to take back calendar} Just gimme the cal– Gimme the–

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Gimme the calendar, gimme the calendar, gimme the calendar...

HAROLD GREEN: {grabs calendar and puts it down} You're gonna give me a paper cut. {looks up} Okay! Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Ranger Gord to say the following word...

''{Gord covers his ears. Harold turns the word sign around to show the audience. The word is...}''

HAROLD GREEN: Water. Water.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

{Harold sets the sign down and Gord uncovers his ears.}

HAROLD GREEN: Go!

RED GREEN: Uh, all right, Gord, uh... the body retains 90% of this...

RANGER GORD: Uh, lightning.

RED GREEN: Okay. This is something you drink.

RANGER GORD: Oh, uh, vinegar and sap.

RED GREEN: Okay, sorry, that's my fault. Um, not you. This is something normal people drink.

RANGER GORD: Oh, beer!

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay, okay. But this has no taste to it.

RANGER GORD: Oh, American beer?

HAROLD GREEN: Almost out of time, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Uh... alright, Gord, what– what is the most important weapon when you're fighting a forest fire? {smiles}

RANGER GORD: {scoffs} Spotting it before it spreads. Okay, I know that. {suddenly angry} You think I didn't know that? Huh? I was tired, all right? I haven't slept all winter, I dozed off, wake up; next thing I know, {gestures} fifty square miles on fire! You think I meant to leave the hot light on? Well, let me tell you something, all right? I put that all behind me now! All right?! That is water under the bridge, I don't care–

{Suddenly, Gord gets cut off by Red rapidly ringing a little bell to end the game.}

HAROLD GREEN: Water! {hands the calendar back to Gord, who stares at it again}

Harold at the Office
''{Harold moves his computer mouse across the mousepad on his desk, making little beeping sounds as he does. Red walks up, wearing a plaid sportcoat}''

RED GREEN: Hey, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {startled} Oh! {making typing motions on his computer keyboard}

RED GREEN: How's it goin', huh?

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at Red} Oh! Uncle Red, hi. It's goin'– {looks at Red's suit} Hey, you're all dressed up! You look sharp!

RED GREEN: Thank you very much.

HAROLD GREEN: You goin' to court?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, Harold, no. It's your day today, huh? Wasn't there some kind of special event? Maybe... I'd say about nineteen years ago, eh? Wonder what that event could be? Huh?

HAROLD GREEN: My ninth birthday.

RED GREEN: You mean you're older than nineteen, Harold? {Harold looks guilty} You're nineteen plus nine?

HAROLD GREEN: Twenty-eight.

RED GREEN: Twenty-eight!

HAROLD GREEN: Twenty-eight.

RED GREEN: Twenty-eight? You mean it was 28 years ago today, I went over to the hospital to help your parents through the disappointment? Huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, they were happy to have me.

RED GREEN: Well, they didn't have any more; what does that tell you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {amused; giggles} I know you're teasing! I know you're teasing! I appreciate it, too.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: I really appreciate your getting dressed up, because when you show up in lodge wear, I get very embarrassed.

RED GREEN: {bending down to pick something up} Oh, I almost forgot something, Harold: a gift for ya. Got a gift for ya.

''{Red puts the gift on the desk. It's wrapped in a canvas sheet. Harold's switcher from the show is sticking out of it.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {excited} A gift? A gift? Thank you very much!

RED GREEN: Check it out.

HAROLD GREEN: {unwrapping the gift} For me? I love gifts! I love gifts when they're for me, 'cause they're– {sees the gift} It's my video effects switcher from the show!

RED GREEN: Yeah!

HAROLD GREEN: I do not know what to say.

RED GREEN: {holds up index finger} Don't say anything, Harold. Hit the audio button.

''{Harold pushes a button on his switcher. A fanfare plays on it. Red turns and waves off-camera.}''

RED GREEN: Wait 'til you hear this, Harold.

{Red chuckles as Winston, Mike and Dalton all run up.}

RED GREEN: Okay...

''{They all start singing "Happy Birthday" towards Harold, holding several notes for extended periods of time. Harold, naturally embarrassed, picks up the phone on his desk and holds it to his ear.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {talking into phone} Security. Security, desk four. Desk four, security, please! {hangs up phone}

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
''{Red walks out into the lodge basement from a corner, holding a roll of duct tape. He heads over to a workbench where Dalton stands.}''

RED GREEN: This is the repair shop part of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying". Joining us today is Dalton Humphrey. {to Dalton} What do you got for us, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know anything about electronics, Red?

RED GREEN: Oh, sure, yeah, with the transistors and the diodes and the printed circuit boards with the microchips there...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yep, yeah, I don't, either.

RED GREEN: {swaying head in annoyance} Oh! C'mon, gimme a chance, I might fluke one, you know.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, all right, yeah, okay, well, I brought in my remote control. {puts a rusty pail on workbench; Red reaches his hand in; Dalton waves} No, no, don't take it out of the pail there, Red! No, don't do that!

RED GREEN: How come?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, it won't turn off. You know, it's sending out a signal all the time. It's got all the garage doors in the neighborhood opening, turning all the microwave ovens on. Guy across the street's got a pacemaker; I haven't seen him in a coupla days. {shakes head} As long as it stays in the metal pail, it's safe.

RED GREEN: We'll just take the batteries out of her, and that'll shut the whole unit down. {reaches hands into pail} How did this happen, anyway?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, I was in the living room, watching TV, and Anne-Marie was in the kitchen, making dinner, and I was watching Masterpiece Theater and the monster truck pull and the three ball games and the WWF, just... {holds hands out in front of him; making button-pushing motions with thumbs}

RED GREEN: Yeah, you had that remote humming, did you, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {excitedly} Oh, boy, I was working that baby!

RED GREEN: Yeah!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {laughs; then seriously} Yeah, 'til Anne-Marie yelled, "Pick one and watch it!"

RED GREEN: Boy, I know that! What did you say to that?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well... Now, this is where the discrepancy comes in, Red, because I believe that I said, "Okay, sorry, honey." But apparently, uh, what she heard was, "Mind your own business!"

RED GREEN: {nods} I see.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. And that's when she came in and {makes grabbing motion} grabbed the remote and... took it.

''{Red pulls his hands out of the pail. He holds a remote control, but it's covered in some kind of thick, chunky, white liquid, and the battery chamber is empty. Red looks at it closely.}''

RED GREEN: Seems to have a fair bit of goo... in here.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Anne-Marie's special clam chowder.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Think you can fix that, Red?

RED GREEN: {puts remote back in pail} No. Uh, you know, I think maybe you should get Anne-Marie to change the channels for you from now. I'm guessing, at this point, she's a little remote. {he and Dalton both laugh} Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't tell her I said that.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {amused} Don't tell her I laughed! {they laugh some more}

Handyman Corner
{Red walks up to the camera, holding a piece of fruit leather.}

RED GREEN: You know, when I was a kid, we ate chocolate bars, candy, bubble gum, that kind of thing. When you ate that stuff, you knew it was bad for you, and that was mostly peel. {holds up fruit leather} Well, now, they're making candy like this, out of fruit! Fruit! Fruit isn't bad for you. Where's the fun in that? {walks up to several containers piled high with apples} But there is something interesting here, the way they make this stuff. I figure all they do is, squish the living daylights out of fruit, {holds up fruit leather} turn it into a vinyl-like sheet. Very similar to prehistoric times, where the dinosaurs would sit on coal with so much pressure, they turn it into diamonds. {nods} Dinosaurs actually had a fascination with diamonds, which is why so many old people wear all the jewelry. So it's only logical that if I could just squish some fruit, like, {bends down to take a hold of a tub full of apples} say, these apples with enough force, I could pave my driveway.

''{Red tips over the tub and dumps out all the apples on the ground. Wipe to a later scene. Red has removed several oil drums from the trunk of the Possum Van.}''

RED GREEN: They tell me it takes about a billion tons of pressure to turn coal into diamonds. {pulls another drum out of van} I actually haven't experienced that much pressure since I met my wife's parents. I do have an oil drum here. In fact, I got five of them. {puts drum on ground with all the others} They're 45 gallons each. I fill them up with water, I figure that's five hundred pounds apiece, but there's five of them. And then, of course, the weight is concentrated on the small part of the edge that touches the ground, so you take the total weight, divide it by the cosign of the tangent... {looks up} Uh, you do the math. I have no idea.

''{Wipe to a later scene. The apples are all on the ground. Red has mounted four of the five oil drums to the sides of the Possum Van with duct tape. The fifth is attached to the front of the van by way of a handle taped between the front bumper and the sides of the drum, so that it looks like a steamroller. Red is seated on this drum.}''

RED GREEN: Now, I needed a handle to attach to {taps drum} this oil drum to the front bumper, so I just ripped the one off my lawn mower. Spread her out a little bit. It means I can't cut the lawn now, but I'll get over it. Then I just duct-taped the whole unit to the bumper. {gets up and walks over to driver-side door on van} Actually, that was the hard part. The other oil drums were a lot easier to mount. {opens van door, gets into van, closes door, leans head out open window} And I've already filled them up with water, so we're pretty well ready to go. You may want to use low gear on this, because you've added about seven tons of the gross vehicle weight. {nods} Actually, with that much weight, you can turn any fruit into asphalt. Bananas might be, you know, a little slippery, but, y'know, with the peaches, you're gonna get kind of a cobblestone effect. I decided to go with apples, because I have apples. And in a minute, I'm gonna turn them into applesauce you can drive on. {starts up van} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {puts van into gear} And now, as the British used to say when they rode into Scotland, "Let's go crush some Macintoshes!"

{Red slowly drives the Possum Van, mounted with oil drums full of water on the front and wheels, over the apples, crushing them and leaving behind a pink, seed-covered surface where they once were.}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to you older guys out there. You know, as the years go by, you end up looking into the bathroom mirror like you're looking under the hood of a used car. {nods} You see a lot of old parts, loose joints... {shakes head} and a tired power planet that uses an awful lot of fuel for what you get out of it. Now, most guys just put lower-watt bulbs into the bathroom, but some guys are actually going out and getting a facelift. {shakes head again} Please, please, think twice about that. You're only fooling yourself. No matter how many wrinkles you take out of the body work, you won't stop the transmission from slipping. Plus, you're messing with a good thing. See, the world does not expect much from us middle-aged guys. As long as we can sit up at the table, take out the garbage, maybe show up at work every once in a while, we pretty much carry our own weight. Once you start looking 25, people are gonna expect things from you that you can't deliver. Things like energy, ambition or any kind of a clue about anything. So I say just let the wrinkles and the jowls and the eye bags come, 'cause when you look like a basset hound, everybody will leave you alone! {nods and smiles} And let's be honest, that's all we really want. {nods again} If you wanna look younger, try smiling! It's cheap and it'll lift a lot more than your face! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Famous People In Possum Lake History
{Red walks into another room in the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Back in the 1930s, multiple births were rare. Everybody knew about the Dionne quintuplets and the cash cow that had been. So it was no surprise that our local town council tried to drum up interest in the birth of the Manning triplets.

{Cut to a photograph of three small children.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Born to Carlotta and Max Manning on August 24, 1932 was a set of triplets, the Manning triplets, all identical, especially in looks. They were all boys. They were named Snap, Crackle and Pop. That was the winning entry in a contest sponsored by our local paper, the Possum Lake Daily Movement.

{Cut to another photograph, this one of a house.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} The town built an addition on the family home to house the new arrivals and to seat 150 paying customers on bleachers inside the house.

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: The family got the home and the town got all the gate receipts, plus all the merchandising rights and future considerations if the parents were crazy enough to try this stunt again. {smiles}

{Cut to Dalton in his store.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, it was a disaster! Nobody came. I mean, who'd come to see three identical boys when you could drive a few hours more and gawk at five identical girls, plus get a chance to see what French people look like? Then the story came out that Mr. Manning had been in Europe when the boys were born. Plus, he'd been abroad for the entire year before that, you know? And it took the heartwarming luster of innocence off the story, {taps his nose with his finger} if you get my drift.

{Cut to a photograph of a man in a suit.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} When Mayor Dennis Flaherty was named by Mrs. Manning as the boys' father, he confessed and immediately sued for half the gate receipts.

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: He was turfed out of office later that day. Many years from then, a broken man, his dying words were, "Bad things come in threes."

{Cut to Mike sitting in the back of a police car with the door next to him open.}

MIKE HAMAR: Growing up, those Manning triplets did all kinds of sports, and they always did them together.

{Cut to a photograph of a baseball team.}

MIKE HAMAR: {voiceover} Started with baseball. They played first, second and third base for the Possum Lake Marker Boys.

{The photo dims, except for a circle over three of the teammates, all the same height and standing together, presumably the Manning triplets.}

MIKE HAMAR: {voiceover} Even got their names in the records books as the only triplets to turn a triple play in a night game at home on natural grass prior to the fifth inning.

{Cut to Hap Shaughnessy on his boat.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, all the trouble started in Turkey. The three Manning brothers and I went down and enlisted in the Possum County Light Dragoon Highlanders of Foot Rifles. But they never saw any combat action since they were pretty green. And funnily enough, our country wasn't involved in the Turkish war in any way.

{Cut to a photograph of three men with mustaches all dressed in military attire.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {voiceover} Ironically, they wound up in the Army Postal Corps, sorting overflow mail for the Dionne quints. 'Course, that involved a lot of heavy lifting. All three brothers injured their backs and had to be (?) out of the service.

{Cut back to Hap.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: This led to the famous Manning rule: they would never again allow members of the same family to sort mail in the same unit.

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: Using their honorable medical discharges, all three brothers went to work for the post office where they went immediately on compensation until their retirement in 1987. The Manning triplets are still alive today. They're working on three separate volumes of their autobiography called "Is This a Great Country or What?".

{Red turns and leaves the room.}