X Marks The Spot/Transcript

The complete transcript for X Marks The Spot

Opening Words
''{Text appears on screen: "Women better themselves. Men better their friends." A crowd is heard cheering as the sound of punching is heard, followed by the sound of somebody falling over, after which a bell rings repeatedly.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"X Marks the Spot" appears} And now, here's the man who's (?) inside, every (?) before in his life, your host, my hero, {pointing to front door} Uncle REEEDDD Green! Ha-ha!

''{The front door of the lodge opens and Red enters, waving to the audience, who cheers. Red holds various objects in both hands.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much! Thank you very much. Well, it's spring trading day up at the lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: {frustrated} Oh! Uncle Red, why can't you guys do spring cleaning like everybody else? Just throw out junk.

RED GREEN: No, Harold, with spring trading, see, the thing is, you can get rid of all that stuff you've hoarded over the winter by trading it for something else, you know? The trick is, to make the best trades.

HAROLD GREEN: {stepping up close to Red} Aw, gee, okay! There we go! How come everything has to be a competition with you guys? There always has to be a winner and a loser, you know? You can't just cheer for your hockey team! Oh, no! You gotta pick out individuals, make a pool, go for that! Everybody cheers for everybody that way! Huh? {laughs} Then you go out and spend all that money on a sports lottery ticket. Nobody– Then you don't even care who wins the game that way. It's just stupid.

RED GREEN: You lost again, eh?

HAROLD GREEN: Twenty straight weeks in a row! {Red nods, then turns to leave}

Title sequence
''{The "The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red and Hap fishing on the latter's houseboat.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} In today's show, Hap tries to convince that he used to wrestle elephants.

{Cut to Red tossing various rolls of duct tape aside on a workbench.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'm gonna scour my workbench for a special kind of tape for duct work.

''{Cut to Red and Dalton sitting together on a couch. Dalton is saying something.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Dalton's gonna talk about the facts of life.

''{Cut to Red bringing something into the lodge. It is very big and very long and covered in brown paper, while Harold, who was looking at a newspaper, looks up and is surprised by what Red is holding.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'm gonna fish something off the bottom of Possum Lake that's not a stove or a snowmobile.

Plot Segment 2
RED GREEN: {as he and Harold sit over a couple of objects} Well, this has to be my worst spring trading ever. You know, I got there late. The only guy with stuff left to trade was Old Man Sedgewick. Look at this crap! Half a railing, {holds up a small orange object} bent hose clamp, {holds up something in his hand} a bunch of vanilla beans, I hope.

HAROLD GREEN: {holding a framed picture} Hey, look at this, Uncle Red! A picture of a possum! Haw! Hey! You know what? This could be, like, the Possum Lodge possum. {Red shakes his head} Yeah, yeah, yeah! No, it could be– yeah! This possum picture is like a piece of history! To a collector, it's worth, like, seventy, eighty cents!

RED GREEN: Harold, that's an aerial photo of Possum Lake, that's all that is.

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! No, that's the Possum Lodge possum. That X is his eye!

RED GREEN: Wouldn't the X be in the head, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, yeah, well, then what's this X?

RED GREEN: Well, I guess that's Old Man Sedgewick's signature.

HAROLD GREEN: {getting to his feet, still holding the picture} Haw, no. Treasure! It's treasure! Oh! Oh, yes! It could be valuable treasure! And that X marks the spot! Valuable treasure at the bottom of Possum Lake!

RED GREEN: {struggling to get to his feet} No, Harold. We thought of that– Whoa! We thought of that, Harold, but... {gets to his feet} what did Old Man Sedgewick have of value fifty years ago? Maybe his mind.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, do lodge members know about this picture?

RED GREEN: Well, they all know about it, and they don't care, Harold. We're too busy to be bothered with some supposed sunken treasure. We got important things to do.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah? Like what, specifically?

RED GREEN: Just things, that's all, Harold. Important things. Big things. You wouldn't understand. It's things men do.

HAROLD GREEN: Overeating, sleeping in, watching TV, drinking beer, fixing cars?

RED GREEN: Pretty much covers it, yeah. {nods}

The Experts
''{Harold, Red and Dalton Humphrey sit in the lodge around a table. Harold sits in a recliner while Red and Dalton sit in a two-person couch.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! And on this week's Expert portion of the show, we have experts, my Uncle Red and his good friend, Dalton Humphrey!

''{The audience and Harold applaud. Red and Dalton wave. Harold picks up an envelope and opens it. He takes out a folded letter and unfolds it.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, good! That's fine. 'Kay, first question goes as follows: {reads letter} "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Dalton} La-la-laa! All righty. {resumes reading} "–How old–" {stops suddenly} Whoa! Excellent one, okay! {resumes reading} "How old should a child be before you explain the facts of life to them?" {giggles; looks toward Red}

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, this really depends on the maturity of the child. Some of them are ready at thirteen, others aren't ready until... Well, how old are you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Nineteen.

RED GREEN: Until they're 21. But I'll tell ya, this is one job that no parent wants to do. I'm really glad I won't have to explain the facts of life any. {looks toward Dalton} Well, well, Dalton? {Dalton looks at Red} Uh, how old was your daughter when you told her about the birds and the bees?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, that's a wife's job, Red.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. A dad tells a son what he tells a daughter. Kind of the natural order of things, {Red nods} and, uh... Well, you're dad taught you, right?

RED GREEN: Well, no, he just, uh, gave me a book by Mickey Spillane called "Kiss Me Deadly", and, uh, he said, "This is what married people do." I thought he meant shoot each other and have car chases. That's pretty much what his relatives did, you know.

HAROLD GREEN: Mr. Humphrey, how old was your daughter Tabitha when your wife told her about the facts– {laughs} about the, uh– the– the– y'know, the– {flaps his arms; looks behind him} about it? When– How old– How old was she when she heard about it?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, she hasn't yet! Tabitha's only twenty. There's no rush.

RED GREEN: But she has a boyfriend, though, doesn't she, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Huh! So? You know what? It's puppy love, Red; totally innocent.

RED GREEN: {shrugs} All right.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know what? I don't think they even kiss yet. {giggles}

RED GREEN: I just thought, y'know, 'cause they moved in together, so...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, yeah, but that– that– that doesn't... mean anything. He sleeps on the couch. {Harold laughs; suddenly impatient} Her mother will talk to her when the time's right, all right?!

RED GREEN: Well, I hope she can get her attention in the delivery room.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * I ask lots of men, what's the thing they like most?
 * Hunting or fishing or peanut butter on toast?
 * The most popular answer from each time I've asked
 * Is, whatever I'm doing, I like to go fast.

HAROLD GREEN: {singing} He likes to go fast!

RED GREEN:
 * Driving a car or riding a bike,
 * Eating my dinner or taking a hike.
 * Speed is the thrill that makes all men glad,
 * Except when we've fallen off the roof, in which case, we'd like gravity to just ease off on the throttle a tad.

Handyman Corner
{Red enters another section of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: All right, maybe I didn't have too much luck at this year's spring trading, but I'll tell ya something: the true handyman makes his own luck. And often, his own bandages.

{Red walks up to two clothes dryers and a bicycle leaning on one of them.}

RED GREEN: All right, I couldn't get rid of these two clothes dryers and this bicycle. {pulls bike in front of him} So I guess you could say I'm stuck with 'em. Well then, why not turn them into something useful? I think it was Shakespeare who said, {struggles to pull one dryer closer to the other} you can't make a silk ear out of a sow's purse. {struggles to align this dryer up perfectly with the other} No, maybe that was Sir Francis Bacon. {struggles some more} But didn't he also say, you can make an electric lawn roller out of just about anything. And it's dead easy!

''{Red struggles to push the dryer up behind the bike. Wipe to a later scene. Wearing goggles, Red is cutting one of the dryers with an electric saw.}''

RED GREEN: First step, you gotta chop 'em down a little bit... {cuts some more} ...so that the drum will sit right there on the ground.

''{Red gets up from this dryer. He gestures toward the other dryer, which has had its outer base cut out, revealing the drum underneath, lying on the ground.}''

RED GREEN: See here? This is how they look when they're chopped and channeled with the chrome lifters and the (?) shifters on them. Kind of a beautiful-looking unit, don't you think? Coupla laps on your yard and this thing is... {taps dryer} Your grass'll be smooth enough to golf on. {gestures back toward other dryer} All right, once I get that one done, I need something to connect the two, so... {picks up bike and places it between the two dryers} I'm gonna use this bike. Kinda stick her in here. I could attach it with, uh, spot welding or stove bolts or... {picks up a roll of duct tape} Hey, how about the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape?

''{Red starts to pull out some duct tape. Wipe to a later scene. Red has finished putting duct tape on the bike seat. The camera pulls back to reveal the bike now mounted by duct tape onto the two dryers, with the wheels inside the dryers' drums.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, now I got the bicycle mounted onto my dryers here, and, uh, here's a word of caution. Actually, a little mistake that I made. Make sure you get a comfortable seat. {feels bike seats} Not one of these darn racing seats. We're looking at a major wedgie in my near future right here. The reason they call them banana seats is because they have to peel you off of them. Another thing you want to think about is that the dryers... the exhaust of them gives off a lot of the fabric softener fumes. You don't wanna be breathing that in. So what I'm gonna do is... {picks up a dryer exhaust pipe behind him} I'm gonna mount a couple of exhaust pipes using some of the standard, uh, {holds up a duct pipe} duct work from the dryer here. {starts looking around} And I just need something to tape the duct work together... {looks around behind him} Uh, some kind of a tape for duct work...

''{Red starts digging through several rolls full of duct tape on a table behind him, tossing them all helter-skeleter as he does so. The audience laughs. He suddenly pulls out a roll of white adhesive tape.}''

RED GREEN: Here we go. Adhesive tape, that'll be perfect. {picks up dryer exhaust pipe and squats down behind dryer} Just mount these on here. Boy, look at that, eh? Nothing says power like dual exhaust. Just screams, {points exhaust pipe at camera} "Eat my lint!"

''{Red starts taping the pipe to the dryer with the adhesive tape. Wipe to a later scene. The two pairs of duct and exhaust pipes have been taped to the back of the dryer attached to the rear wheel of the bike. The pipes are sticking out of the open door of this dryer.}''

RED GREEN: There we go! Got her all mounted up there. Now, I'm gonna be rolling a lawn, so I got her set on permanent press, but when I get to the garden beds, I'll flip her over to the delicate cycle. {starts walking around lawn roller, crawling under pipes doing so} Another thing you know, inside the dryer, you got a lotta air blowing around in there. {squats down next to a lint filter and a bag of grass seed} And you got one of these lint filters. {fills filter up with seeds} That's an ideal opportunity to throw some grass seed in there. {puts lint filter full of seeds inside dryer} Pop that baby in there, and you can actually be rolling and seeding all at the same time. {holds up some extension cords lying on dryer} And I got her hardwired into the house with plenty of cord for maneuverability. {stands next to lawn roller} She's a beauty, isn't she? Also make a dandy little steam roller, even a leaf press. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome... {slowly climbs up on bike seat from the right, swinging his left leg around to left as he does so} Ah! {sits down on seat, leaning on handlebars} ...they should at least find you handy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get rolling!

''{Red pushes the starter button on the front roller. The dryers start humming and the drums start rolling. The lawn roller starts moving off-screen. Suddenly, just as the two duct pipes mounted on the back of the roller leave the screen, the roller topples over on its side.}''

RED GREEN: {as the roller topples over} Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! {after the roller falls over} Well, she rolled.

Commercial bumper
''{Red stands in Ranger Gord's fire watchtower. He looks out over the forest while Gord makes motions with his hand.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned to find out about Ranger Gord's imaginary friend. Yikes!

Plot Segment 3
{Harold tunes his switcher as Red enters the lodge, holding the framed picture.}

RED GREEN: Well, this aerial photo with the X in it has got everybody convinced there's something valuable at the bottom of Possum Lake.

HAROLD GREEN: Hey, you said the guys weren't interested in it!

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, no, they weren't, until they found out that you were, Harold. {to camera} The competition thing kicks in, you know. It's not that they think they'll really find treasure. They just can't stand the thought that somebody else might. {shakes head}

HAROLD GREEN: {walks up close to Red} No way! They had their chance. No way. You said they weren't interested.

RED GREEN: {nods} Well, no, they just don't want to look like idiots.

HAROLD GREEN: Really? Ho! Well...

RED GREEN: So now there's a big competition to see who can dive the deepest to find the treasure.

HAROLD GREEN: That deep? I swam out there. My feet touched the bottom.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, your feet might've touched, but that wasn't the bottom; that was just, y'know, stuff.

HAROLD GREEN: {disgusted} Oh, oh, ohhh! Well, okay! Well, fine, then. I'll just lower my brand-new video camera down there. {giggles}

RED GREEN: No, I tried that, Harold, and all I got was just darkness. Shows what you know.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! Okay, well, maybe you just had the– the– the waterproof case on backwards.

RED GREEN: {holds up a video camera} Waterproof case? Where's that?

''{Water pours out of Red's video camera through the lens area. He and Harold look puzzled while the latter plays his switcher to trigger the next scene.}''

Visit With Ranger Gord
{Red and Ranger Gord stand in the latter's fire watchtower.}

RANGER GORD: Well, you know, Red, for all the forest beauty, it can be one of the most dangerous places on the face of the earth.

RED GREEN: Well, then, I'm just thinking maybe we stop here, hold everything here, and you give people the people here some of the rules about being in the forest. {looks into camera} Maybe some of you folks at home might wanna jot a few of these down.

RANGER GORD: Excellent idea.

RED GREEN: Thank you very much.

RANGER GORD: Now, ladies and gentlemen, there's really only one rule that'll save your life when your in the forest: never come out alone. Always have a buddy with you, okay?

RED GREEN: Okay, just in case something goes wrong or something happens or whatever...

RANGER GORD: Right, that's right, your buddy will help you out, or at least you'll have somebody to blame the problem on. {Red laughs} No, I'm serious.

RED GREEN: {nods} You know what? I'm thinking some of the viewers will be saying, "Wait a second here, this is ironic! Ranger Gord can't even take his own advice." {looks at Gord} You don't have a buddy, do you?

RANGER GORD: Oh...

RED GREEN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: I see what you're thinking, and in fact, {holds up index finger} I do. {walks across tower} Come on over here. I'll show you my buddy.

RED GREEN: {following Gord} Wow!

{Gord and Red walk over to the edge of the watchtower.}

RANGER GORD: {pointing out across forest} Yep, right over there on the horizon.

RED GREEN: {looking out} Yeah.

RANGER GORD: See it? The Port Asbestos lookout. {looks at camera} That's my buddy. {looks at Red} That's Ranger Vince. Every night, for the past twelve years, Ranger Vince and I have been turning on each other's lights. I'll turn on my lights, he turns on his lights. And it's just the two rangers saying, {pointing} "Hey, buddy! I've never met ya, but I'm there for ya."

RED GREEN: Uh, Gord?

RANGER GORD: You know, I've never met Ranger Vince, but I feel I know him. {Red tries to say something, but Gord interrupts} He's my buddy. Ranger Vince.

RED GREEN: Um, uh, uh, there's something I need to tell you about that, Gord. Uh, Ranger Vince is... He's actually not– He's, uh, actually not, uh– He's not actually in there. He left that tower twelve, I think maybe thirteen years ago. The loneliness, y'know, he wasn't like you. He couldn't take it, and {stammers} I think it's a radio transmitter at this point.

RANGER GORD: {interrupting} No, you see, that's not true, because every night, I see him turn on his lights.

RED GREEN: Uh, okay, okay, fair enough. Okay, fair enough. Fair enough.

RANGER GORD: {crossing his arms} So...

RED GREEN: {interrupting} But there again, I think that'd be a remote control unit. They just clicked the lights on from somewhere else just so the planes won't smack into the tower as much as they used to. That's all that is. Vince is gone. He's– He's– He's toast. He's taillights, he's in the wind. He's gone, he's outta there.

RANGER GORD: {disappointed} No Vince?

RED GREEN: There's no Vince over there, as far as I know.

RANGER GORD: {calling out from watchtower} VINCE!

RED GREEN: No, no.

RANGER GORD: {sadly} I've been alone for twelve years.

RED GREEN: No, you're doing great. You're doing great. No, you're doing {Gord starts sobbing} really well.

RANGER GORD: {sobbing} Somebody please hug me!

RED GREEN: Okay... {Gord continues to sob} No, no...

RANGER GORD: {walking towards Red} I feel alone!

RED GREEN: {trying to back away from Gord} Hey, I know! I know! I know! {points toward camera} My buddy, Harold! Away you go there. {Gord walks off, still sobbing} Sorry, Harold. {shakes head}

Buddy System
{Red and Winston enter the room and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: Well, you're in the soup this time, aren't ya?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You've agreed to meet her at a certain time and a certain place, and you forgot!

RED GREEN: You remembered, eh, an hour after the fact! But by then, you were over at the other side of town, halfway through a hamburger.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And she's standing out there, stomping around, getting mad, knee-high in the snow, and you're in deep sleet, buddy.

RED GREEN: All right, here's what you do: go to your vehicle and give yourself a flat tire.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Slash it!

RED GREEN: Poke it.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Shoot it!

RED GREEN: Whatever.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Whatever it takes.

RED GREEN: Whatever.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Exactly.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And if you got a perfectly inflated, unused spare tire, flatten that as well!

RED GREEN: Just let it go, just like that! What this does is, it makes your situation more miserable than hers. {rubs hands together}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And that just gives her all the power to be forgiving, which gets you off the hook.

RED GREEN: {pointing at camera} By the time you get home, you'll be the one getting the sympathy!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, sure, you're gonna have to call a tow truck guy and get towed off to the garage.

RED GREEN: Hey, wait a minute. {looks at Winston} That's fun!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {looking at Red, then back at camera} Oh, yeah, but don't tell her that!

RED GREEN: {giving a thumbs-up} Right!

{Red and Winston then turn and both leave the room.}