Power Struggle/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Remember these things, huh?

The paper shearer.

Teacher used to get me to trim

all her test papers

while the other kids

learned stuff.

I always took that

as a compliment,

didn't realise

she'd given up on me.

But if you ever see one of these

for sale at maybe a yard sale

or art auction or anything,

you pick it up.

And I'll tell you why.

Somewhere a man

is going hungry,

and it's all because he

finds himself alone in

a strange place...

A kitchen.

And in his confusion,

he can't separate the

precious, life-giving hotdog

from his frozen brothers.

Well, no more.

Heheheh.

And for dessert...

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

No, no, I appreciate that.

Well, big news at

the lodge this week --

actually, possum lodge has been

singled out for recognition

by the local town council.

Oh yeah.

Apparently we are the number 1

source of air pollution

in the entire possum lake area.

And they got the satellite

pictures to prove it.

We're number 1!

We're number 1!

Uncle red! Uncle red!

I got a solution to the

pollution problem.

Have you ever heard of

the kyoto protocol?

Is that like the

honda accord?

No, no, the kyoto protocol,

it's an international

agreement

to cut greenhouse

gas emissions.

Why would I care?

I don't have a

greenhouse.

Greenhouse gas emissions,

they're created by burning

fossil fuels,

you know, lawn mowers

and outboard motors

and leaf blowers and

snowblowers and possum vans.

Anything that burns gas.

I'm not shuttin' off

the possum van

when it takes me 45

minutes to get

it started.

Yeah, I know, that's

the good part, okay?

With the kyoto agreement

you're allowed to trade off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, so so...

What you do, if you have

a lot of pollution

in one area

you can balance that

by cutting pollution

in another area.

Ohhhhh!

Ohohoho!

And next to the lodge,

you know who the biggest

polluter is?

Gotta be stinky peterson.

No, no, no, it's not,

it's that coal-burning

electrical generating station

up at port asbestos.

So, you know how we're gonna

satisfy the kyoto protocol?

We plead insanity?

No! No!

We're gonna make a windmill!

We're gonna generate

our own power.

And if we build it

big enough,

we can generate enough

power for the whole town.

You mean to say

we'd get free power,

and be able to sell power

to the rest of the town,

and be able to make something

huge and dangerous all

at the same time?!

Yeah!

Well, I think you've

really done it this

time, harold!

Well, thank you

very much.

You may turn

into a man yet.

Don't spoil it.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner

receives this coupon

for two tickets to the possum

lake little theatre

production of...

The best little

warehouse in texas.

It's the story of a woman

and her rise to the top

and the forklift operator

who tried to put her there.

All right,

cover your ears, ed.

Okay, red, you've got

30 seconds to get ed frid

to say this word...

Yeah, all right, winston.

And... Go!

Okay, ed, if you get a call to

capture a ferocious bear

that's on the loose,

the first thing

you have to do is...

Give it a really

big head start.

Okay, no, no, no,

um, this is a word that stands

for what the bear leaves

behind on the ground.

I'm not saying that

word on television.

Yeah, I'm talkin'

about the paws.

Oh! Long.

Yeah, the bear takes quite

a long pause to make a

pile that big.

Almost outta time

here, red.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, ed, think train...

Attack.

What?

Yeah, most people train

their dogs to attack.

To attack me.

At least that's

been my track record.

There we go!!!

Welcome to the expert

portion of the show.

This is where we address

the three little words

that men find

so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

That's true, isn't it?

Okay, today's letter

goes as follows...

"dear experts..."

lalalala!

"lately my teenage son has

been hanging out at the mall,

"smoking cigarettes

and slacking off.

"my husband won't discipline

him because he does exactly

the same thing.

"is there some way I can

encourage my son to be

a better person?"

well, you know, teenagers are

kinda like firecrackers.

Your best bet is just to stand

way back and cover your eyes.

No, no, no, that's just

ignoring your responsibility.

Yes, it is.

Uncle red, you can't

just stop being a parent.

You know, I would have

to agree with harold on

this point, mr. Green.

And as you know, it hurts

me deeply to say that.

You have to involve your

parents if you're

a teenager.

Like, I remember

when I was a teenager,

it would've been so great

to be able to talk to

any one of my dads.

Yes, yes, mike is

absolutely right.

You have to keep open

the lines of communication.

Yes, and you have to be very

aware of who your son is

hanging out with.

Especially his girlfriend.

Well, you never had that

problem, did you, harold?

My girlfriends were

a bad influence on me,

you know that?

My life would've been

totally different if

I'd dated nuns.

So would theirs,

I'm thinkin'.

You know, I think parents have

more influence over their

kids than they think.

Because if parents

respected their kids

the kids wouldn't have

anything to rebel against

and they wouldn't be

hanging out with the

wrong crowd.

Yeah, see, my life went

downhill coz I hung out

with the wrong crowd

when I was a teenager.

And then later

when I went to prison,

my social circle continued

to be uninspiring.

Really?

But that's my point.

That's my point, though.

See? Nobody ever gets anywhere

by hanging out with a

bunch of losers.

Oh yeah?

It got me a television show.

[ laughter,

cheers and applause ]

let me show you what happened

to me the other night.

Batteries went dead

in my tv remote.

That happens to me a lot,

especially during the playoffs.

When I popped out

one of the batteries,

it flew through the air --

again, this is just

a reenactment,

and dropped right into a can of

root beer that I was forcing

myself to drink

coz there was nothing

else in the fridge.

Imagine my surprise

at what happened next.

And when I touched the can,

I got a shock!

Yes, very similar to what just

happened in our reenactment.

So then I thought, hey,

why don't I hook up my

test light

and see what happens, huh?

[ buzzing ]

well, now I started

to get pretty excited.

Especially after the feeling

came back into my hand.

So I figured I have a source

of pretty cheap energy.

And all I need is a

bunch of dead batteries.

I looked the whole thing up in

the encyclopedi-odiotica

and what had happened was the

acid from the pop

was acting as an electrolyte,

and that was dissolving the

chemicals in the battery,

generating an

electrical charge.

So today

on handyman corner,

I'm gonna use this

new knowledge --

accidental knowledge, really,

as most of mine is,

to make myself

an environmentally

friendly electric truck.

Okay, my first step was to

install a kiddy pool,

slide and all,

into the bed of my pick-up.

I got her filled up

with water,

now all I have to do

is add the acid.

I'm gonna go with vinegar --

or as we call it around here,

buster hadfield's

homemade wine.

But you know, that's not

gonna give us enough juice,

so I'm gonna throw in

a little caustic soda.

That's drain cleaner

to you and me.

Tax write-off to winston.

So he'll never

miss this.

[ coughing ]

okay, I took the motor out of

bernice's washing machine.

Use that as

my power plant.

Luckily the original gas

engine had dropped out

when I slammed over the speed

bump outside the seniors' home.

So one of these cables

becomes my ground wire,

and the other one here,

that's my live wire.

Now, for my speed control

I wired the motor into

this dimmer switch

off the dining room

chandelier.

This is the future you're

lookin' at right here, folks.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ applause ]

you know, whenever you

see a married couple

telling a story together

to a third party,

there's gonna be trouble.

The one person

telling the story,

usually the wife,

she kinda becomes

like the prosecutor.

And the one who

the story's about,

always the husband,

well, now, he becomes kind of

like the defence attorney.

And the listener, usually

a friend or a neighbour,

well, that person becomes

the judge and the jury.

And these trials

have no rules.

You don't have

to present evidence

or provide witnesses

or even tell the truth.

I mean, the two

fake lawyers --

first of all, they

start with their summations.

And then they just kinda

interrupt each other

whenever they want,

trying to get the judge

to see it their way.

And the poor judge has got no

hard evidence to go on,

so they just end up siding

with whoever they like better.

Then their friendship

goes out the window.

So I tell you what...

Whenever you and your wife

have a story to tell,

never tell it together.

Let her tell it

her way to her friends

and you tell it your way

to your friends.

Neither one of ya is

telling the story the way

it actually happened anyway.

So it doesn't really matter.

And if you ever get into a

situation where by accident

you end up telling the story

together to somebody,

ask for a recess,

take your wife aside,

settle out of court.

Remember,

I'm pulling for ya;

we're all in this together.

When the air around your place

is so green it glows,

and your once friendly

neighbours have all

become foes,

call me and I'll be there,

quick with my hose,

no need for directions,

I'll just follow my nose.

Well, we got our

windmill up and runnin'.

And most of the town of possum

lake is using our power.

Good thing we had

all those jumper cables.

Of course, when you switch

from coal to wind power,

you know, you get

the odd dip.

It's all right.

What? All right.

There's not much of a

breeze today, uncle red.

Harold, just relax.

Nobody can push us

around anymore.

Wanna know why?

Because we're the

electric company

now, harold.

We got power.

We got problems.

[ phone ringing ]

how come the

phone still works?

Because we're

not the phone company?

Hello, possum lodge

power company,

what can I do for you?

Okay, yeah, did you

check the fuse box?

Well, maybe you'd think

about checking that

before you just automatically

blame the power company!

All right. Yeah,

you have one too, bye.

[ phone ringing ]

as automated voice:

You have reached the possum

lodge power company.

For service in english,

please hand up.

Red, the power's been out

at my store for four hours!

Traffic lights are out,

my cash register

stopped working.

Moose thomson's

stuck on the escalator.

You can't get stuck

on an escalator.

You just walk down.

Not when you're

moose thomson.

He's got his butt wedged

between the hand rails.

Plus my freezer's off,

so all the ice cream's melted!

I'm giving it away!

Oh wow! Excellent!

I'm giving it away

at 10% off.

I owe ya.

You know what the problem is?

It's not the windmill,

coz the mill part works

fine as long as the

wind is going.

See, the problem is

as soon as the wind

dies off,

we got no power.

Take it easy on

the ice cream, harold.

You're gonna get yourself

a brain freeze.

No, it's good.

I like ice cream

and I got some ice cream.

It's good, good,

so I'm eatin' it.

Hey, I just got an --

is your car here?

No, I walked.

That was close.

I thought he did.

Okay, here's

what we do...

We hook up your car

and my possum van

and any other

vehicles we can find,

we hook the drive wheels

onto the windmill,

and we get her

spinning that way.

That's how we

generate the power.

All in favour

say "aye."

aye.

Aye.

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Red: We don't have a casino

in the possum lake area,

so we just sometimes hook up

a game of bingo ourselves.

I thought the three

of them were all playing,

but it was actually

just walter and mike

because dalton

had a crossword.

I didn't realise that was a

crossword he had going.

And I was offering

a pretty fancy prize...

A fishing vest with everything

you'd ever want on it,

and the boys are pretty

excited over that.

And we have to make

everything ourselves.

We had a leaf blower

blowing the --

we got ping pong

balls there.

Anyway, the number comes down,

and I pick her up there,

and it's g-53.

So I just mark her on the

board and then the boys

check their cards.

Well, walter and mike

check their cards.

I've got another

one here: B-12.

All right, mark that up on

the -- it's like a vitamin.

But then mike doesn't have it,

he sees walter --

he's gonna --

and then bang!

So now of course the

bingo balls are everywhere,

so I got an idea.

You guys go find the balls,

and any ball you find

I'll register the number,

and if you've got that number,

then -- so we can

carry on with our game.

That way I didn't

have to do anything.

So mike's out there looking,

and he sees a bingo ball,

he picks it up

all excited,

he realises it's not a number

he has on any of his

bingo cards,

but then he remembers

he does have something...

A marker.

So I-30 suddenly

becomes...

N-38.

N-38!

So I mark that

down on the chart,

and then walter's carrying on

there, and he sees a ball,

and he picks it up,

but there are no num --

for some reason the numbers

must have come off when it --

I don't know why it --

oh, yeah, I see.

Right.

And dalton is still

working on the crossword.

Meanwhile, there were still

a couple of balls still

flying along

and they roll down a hole,

and mike's hot on the trail.

He's all excited.

And then he's

somewhat less excited.

That can happen.

And walter saw another ball,

kind of had mud all over it,

and it turns out it wasn't

actually a ball,

it was the tip of something.

Some kind of sign...

"danger quicksand."

that's not a good sign.

Anyway, we got walter

out of there and back

to the table,

and I was just recounting

on all the numbers,

going through them all,

and they were checking

them all off.

But nobody was

getting a winner.

Meanwhile,

dalton was working --

he was looking for

a 5-letter word for "victory."

he went over it in his mind,

then he comes up with it.

And he yells out: Bingo!

And of course these guys just

rip up their cards,

they figured they'd lost.

They crunch them all up

and walk away in disgust.

So dalton comes over,

shows me he was actually

doing a crossword.

So what I said

to him was,

please, help me on

with my prize.

[ applause ]

you know, my wife's real good

about letting me have a few

buddies over

to watch the football game

or go for the indoor

pizza-eating record

or whatever,

one of the things she asks

is that I get them

to use coasters.

And believe me, these are guys

who can't afford another

strike against them.

So I tried using some

of these thick coasters,

just spreading them around

the table in kind of

a random order.

But then the guys kinda get

their glasses half on, half off.

Next thing you know,

you got a tidal wave of beer

coming off the coffee table,

intoxicating the dog.

Then I tried a deal where I

glued my old irish rover albums

to the bottom of

a few glasses.

Problem there was, every

time the guys took a drink

they thought they

were going blind.

Then I got the idea of cutting

the lids out of tin cans

coz they're not too big,

but they're nice and thin.

But still I needed a way to

make sure they're always

under the glasses.

So I glued a fridge magnet to

the inside of the bottom.

Idiot proof --

or even better...

Idiot ready.

Oh, and one more thing.

You know, people who

don't use coasters

are the same kind of people

who tend to leave stuff

lying around

when they're gone.

Well, you know

what they say...

The best ideas are the ones

that pay for themselves.

Okay, we're all set to fire up

our motorized windmill.

We've got about seven vehicles

powering the unit.

We had to lay a couple of the

suvs on their sides,

but they're

used to that.

Now, harold insisted that we

hook all the engines up

to this remote starter.

That way nobody has

to stand too close,

which saves you having to be

called as a witness later.

We good to go

there, harold?

Harold, are we

good to go?

Good to go,

uncle red!

[ engines starting ]

[ wind blowing ]

shut it off! Shut it off!

Harold, it's fine.

It's absolutely fine.

This is how we should've

generated the power

in the first place.

We don't need wind,

we don't need storage

batteries.

We're completely

self-sufficient.

We're gettin' power

for free!

Oh! Are we getting

gasoline for free too?

Well, what does gasoline

have to do with it?

[ engines sputtering ]

why is there

always a catch?!

Hey, red, good news!

What?

City hall says we have the

best air quality in 10 years!

The lodge is back

in the good books!

All right!

How can that be?

You're polluting

more than ever!

Oh, I know why.

It's coz of the

windmill.

We've blown all our

pollution up to

port asbestos!

You know, harold, you never

wanna be down wind

of a big polluter.

And you'd know that

if you'd ever gone

on a canoe trip.

[ possum lodge ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you guys

go ahead.

I'll be right down.

Oh man.

All right, if my wife is

watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I'm outta power

and low on gas,

but I'm hopin' you'll wait up,

coz I'm lookin' for a

spark or two

still left somewhere

in my life!

And to the rest of you

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

take a seat, sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to... I guess.

All right, I have some

terrible news for you...

I'm washing my hands of the

whole windmill project.

We've gone back to

paying for our electricity.