Exotic Dancer/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold:

And now it's time again

for the show

that asks the question,

"there must be more than one way

to skin a cat,

but they're all

against his will."

for those of you

who have seen the show before,

let's just say,

forgive and forget, okay?

It's "the red green show,"

starring

that oscar-winning rabbit,

your friend and my uncle --

and believe me,

there's a big difference --

mr. Red green!

Thank you very much.

Welcome to the show.

Thank you, harold,

for that warm and

heartfelt introduction.

Love ya, babe!

Let's do lunch. Wa-a-a.

No, let's do show,

harold.

All right.

Had a bit of a to-do

up at the lodge this week.

Uh, moose thompson

has been looking for work

ever since the paint factory

blew up,

even though

he did apologize...

And he sees an ad in

the newspaper for a male dancer.

Now, moose is

not much of a dancer,

but he more than makes up for it

in the male department.

Excuse me, uncle red.

Oh, I forgot

about you.

Uh, this here is

my producer and my director

and, by a cruel stroke

of fate, uh, my nephew.

Every time I start a story

and he thinks it's boring,

he just gets out of it

by flipping some things

on his flimflammer there.

It's a switcher

control box.

It allows me to go

from one segment of the show

into the next, you know?

In case I find it, uh,

boring or offensive

or something like that.

Also allows me

to do this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

pretty neat thing, huh?

Well, I want to

just continue my story

on the male-dancer thing.

Oh.

Nothing --

nothing offensive --

to be ashamed about

naked bodies or anything,

that's for sure.

Oh, no, no, not at all.

I got nothing

against naked bodies,

unless, of course,

it's like during dinner.

I mean, jeepers creepers,

a naked body's okay.

I'm as liberal

as the next guy.

You know, well, unless,

of course, you're the next guy.

Then I'm way

more liberal.

I enjoy a naked man

as much as the next person.

No!

I didn't mean that!

I didn't -- aah!

That was so wrong!

Uh...

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ there once

was a story ♪

♪ a long time ago ♪

♪ a legend

that only the possums know ♪

♪ possums are smart

and fun to throw ♪

♪ as long as you yell,

"look out below!" ♪

♪ with a whiff-enall ♪

♪ whiff that all ♪

♪ whiff it all ♪

♪ wombat ♪      ♪ wombat ♪

♪ whiff it all,

whiffin' ♪

♪ did you catch

a whiff of that? ♪

[ laughs ]

both: ♪ with a whiff it all,

whiff it all ♪

♪ whiff it all ♪

♪ wom-- ♪

wombat.

No, you don't say "wombat"

that time.

Oh.

This week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you how to take

something and improve on it.

Uh, what we're gonna do

is gonna show you how to make

a portable phone for under $40.

Sounds crazy, doesn't it?

Here's what you're gonna need --

uh, a wall-mounted phone,

uh, an old backpack...

A, uh, garden-hose spool...

And, uh, a bunch

of telephone cable.

Now, if you want to go get

that stuff, I'll just wait.

All right, now,

uh, the first step

is to, uh, remove the canvas,

um, from the backpack.

[ chain saw buzzing ]

and be careful how you do this.

You can end up

with enough canvas

to make yourself

a dandy little sun hat.

[ buzzing continues ]

all right, as you can see,

I'm, uh, just putting

the finishing touches

on attaching

the garden-hose reel

to the backpack using

the handyman's secret weapon --

duct tape.

Now what we do

is take our telephone wire

and begin winding it

onto the hose reel.

Now, the amount of wire you put

on here will be determined

by how portable

you want the phone to be.

If it's just

for around the house,

uh, 50 feet would probably do --

20 feet if you live

in a new subdivision.

Or if you want the run

of the whole neighborhood,

uh, I'd suggest you put on

a couple of hundred feet.

As you can see,

I'm just finishing

attaching the phone to my body

with the, uh, duct tape,

and, uh, we're done.

No more running to the phone,

because with this rig on,

believe me,

you don't want to be running.

[ telephone rings ]

I'll get it.

Uh, hello. Could you just hang

on a minute, please? Yeah.

This sounds like

an important call,

so until next time, remember --

if women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that was me.

I ordered the eight-slicer

with double pepperoni.

Yeah. I'm on my way over

to get it right now.

How's my voice sound?

I made this phone.

Yep, made it myself.

I'm not kidding.

[ wire creaking ]

[ crashing ]

hello, uh, 911?

Could you --

could you send an ambulance?

Just follow the wire.

We'll be right back

with more wildlife adventures

amongst the furry beasts

of the woods.

I think

he's back to the story

about moose thompson

being a nude dancer.

I was going through

the scrapbook last night,

and I found some pictures

of some old celebrities --

you know, guys that I had known

and worked with.

Oh, they'd have to be old.

Well, they were not old in

the sense of "old," but just...

I mean, they've been

celebrities a long time.

Right, exactly.

Slim whitman.

King.

What can you say?

Awoo!

I say that 'cause he does that

when he sings. He yodels.

Oh, and you should see

the acrobatics he does

with his guitar

and everything.

He gets the hole

right in the center

and just --

it's unbelievable.

Getting between the strings

is the tough part.

Well, it's not easy.

No, no.

That's why

they call him "slim."

that's right.

And guy mitchell --

er, guy madison.

Oh.

You know, guy mitchell --

no, guy madison

and wild bill hickok.

Yeah.

Remember him?

Well, I knew the stories.

You knew him --

wild bill hickok?

Well, yeah.

Well, no, I knew guy madison.

Who played wild bill.

He had

his guns backwards.

He'd say, "shoot straight

and keep your guns backwards."

that's so he can shoot people

sneaking up on him.

Yeah, yeah.

He had a terrible

accident, though.

The darn things went off --

he blew his buns off

at the wrap party.

Ooh.

Fall on that, eh?

Yeah.

"it is winter.

The windows are frosted over.

"nothing can be seen

"through this white patchwork

of ice crystals.

"the entire winter world

is blocked from view.

"but don't worry.

You know this road

like the back of your hand."

well, anyway, uh,

moose goes down and applies

for this job as a male dancer.

It was at the, uh,

bamboo bam bam club.

Uh, he figured he'd be teaching

widows how to foxtrot.

So they told him to go home

and, uh, come back at 8:00

dressed up in a costume,

like an indian or a policeman

or one of the village people.

So moose figures

it's maybe some kind of

like a costume ball

or something.

So he's looking

around the lodge,

and he, uh, finds

an old moose decoy

that we used one time

to draw a moose out

during mating season.

That's another story.

So, anyway, he gets the front

half of the moose costume on,

but he needs somebody to be the

other, uh, half of the moose --

that's "moose" with a small "m,"

not a big "m."

and buster hadfield

says that he'd be the back end

of the moose.

Boy, talk about typecasting.

Uncle red, uh,

I just want to remind you

that some of our viewers

have children...

And taste.

And maybe they won't appreciate

this ribald adventure.

Well, I can't help that,

harold.

I can.

Jack!

Jack, come on up here.

I know

you're down there, jack.

What do you want?

Oh, nothing.

I just thought we'd drop by,

see how it's going, you know.

Oh, oh!

Oh, let me guess --

yeah.

Western civilization

has finally collapsed,

and now all the smug

know-it-alls

who laughed at me

for coming up here to live

want me to take them in

and give them shelter

and see them through

the coming dark ages.

Well, uh, no.

Uh, we were just on our way

to the go-karts on 89,

and we thought

we'd just drop by, that's all.

Oh. Okay.

Do you need anything, jack?

I have everything

I need, red.

I'm a survivor.

Okay.

I didn't just rush into this

in a blind panic.

Okay.

I'll tell you that much.

You know, I spent four weekends

planning this.

I even drew maps

and bought heavy shoes.

All right, all right.

But have you got

enough food?

I have everything

I need, okay?

Oh, I know

what you're saying.

Forget it. Forget it.

I have nothing

you would like.

You know what I'm saying?

I grow everything I need

to survive.

All right.

Except milk.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

What --

what do you grow?

Well...

Mushrooms, mostly.

But I've ordered some seeds,

and they should be here soon.

Yeah, they said to allow

6 to 8 weeks for delivery.

But, uh, I'm hoping the world

doesn't end before then

'cause I've ordered

enough seeds

to sustain a small colony

through the coming dark ages.

Wow, you've ordered

a lot of seeds then.

Oh, believe it.

Yeah.

I won a bicycle

and a slot-car racing set.

And you know what?

When your currency system

collapses,

see, I'm gonna take

those slot cars,

trade them for a cow,

and then I'll have

fresh meat and milk.

Well, all right.

Well, okay, jack.

If there's nothing

that you need, you know...

Nothing.

I don't need anything.

All right, all right.

Oh, well...

An extension cord.

An extension cord.

I think

I got one in the truck.

Uh, what's it for?

Nothing.

Something, but...

Survival!

I-I can't tell you.

All right, all right.

Fine, fine, fine.

Just tell me this --

will you be able to

give it back to us, you know,

after the currency thing,

uh, collapses?

Sure.

All right.

I mean, no!

Oh, darn.

Jack?

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ stop the whale hunt now ♪

♪ put your harpoons away

or else ♪

♪ stop hunting whales,

that's what you should do ♪

♪ and as soon as harold and I

catch one, we'll quit, too ♪

yeah.

Oh, uncle red, this is

so exciting. This is great.

We got something

really different

on the "male call" segment

today.

Just a little bit

of a spin on it,

something

just a tad different.

We got a letter from a kid.

This could be huge.

Just think about it.

Wouldn't that be great?

Oh, this is very exciting!

Just read the letter,

harold.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, that's what I meant.

I wasn't gonna change

a lot of things. Just...Huge.

I'll read the letter.

All righty.

"dear mr. Green, I like you.

You do funny things.

"I like you

when you hurt yourself

"and when bill smith

hurts himself

and when your nephew harold

hurts himself."

[ laughs ]

this is cute. Look at that.

He spelled "nephew"

with an "f."

just one.

That is cute.

"I want to be just like you

when I grow up.

Can I have your autograph?"

no, I'm sorry, harold.

I'm using it.

You want to be like me, eh?

Well, uh, you know,

it's not that easy hosting

your own television show.

If it was,

harold here would be doing it.

Boy, you got that right.

But you know, harold, even if

you have the right stuff,

uh, as you know,

you got to get your education.

I mean, I use

all those subjects every day --

adding, subtracting,

social studies,

uh, metal shop, gym.

You know, because you need

the letter "c"

or you can't read

the cue cards,

and then you have to rely

on your memory.

I guess that's --

that's about it.

Where was I?

Do you know?

You were talking

about education.

It was very exciting to see you

take a stand on that, uncle red.

We should also mention

to our viewers

about college

and university.

Well, I don't know

about that, harold.

Uh, I think

college education

is a drawback

for being a tv star.

Uh, makes you think

about things.

As for university, well,

that's just a bunch of eggheads

walking around

between the trees

saying things

like "hence" and "therefore."

oh, no, uncle red, if I might

just step back a step or two,

in my opinion,

education is very important.

We should be stressing

to our viewers

to go on to college,

learn as much as you can.

That's my opinion.

Well, how can we do that,

harold?

I didn't go to college,

and you didn't go to college.

Look at us.

We're self-made men.

Oh, sure, blame me.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: This week

on "adventures with bill,"

we're gonna deal with a problem

that a lot of people

have in the woods,

and that is mosquitoes.

Uh, they don't bother me.

Mind you,

I have flies on my pants.

As you can see,

bill has a real problem.

They seem to just --

there are people like this.

They just seem to go for them.

Quite a few of them going for

bill at this particular time.

So what we're trying to do

is show you

some of the various ways

that, uh, you can protect

yourself from the mosquitoes

or blackflies or gnats

or pterodactyls

or whatever it is

that comes after you.

This is taking

some, uh, vinyl screening

and just wrapping yourself up

in a screen,

like make yourself

into a porch, really.

[ clears throat ]

this is bill's own idea.

And, you know, if you wanted

to give that a real good tug,

you could probably start him up

like a lawn mower, you know?

I don't think this one

is very effective.

This is another --

this is a concoction

made up of lemon juice

and honey, I believe it is,

and according to

bill's grandmother,

I think she said

this works real well.

Come on, she was covered

with bee stings.

And you know what we discovered,

unfortunately,

was it is actually attractive

to the mosquitoes.

Well, it could have been worse.

It could have been on me.

And now this is, uh,

more of the unusual approach.

He's made himself

completely airtight,

just tape and a bug jacket.

But unfortunately, he has

a mosquito in there with him.

Now...

No, it's up the arm, up the arm.

No.

You can't see it, of course.

It's inside.

It's over here now.

It's in the jacket,

so I don't...

I thought I saw it

go by his face.

Oh.

I got it.

Now, this is

the conventional method.

These are the aerosol cans

with the cff -- cff --

cffs in them

that are punching a hole

over the antarctic.

Who cares, you know?

Anyway, I'm gonna be using

the double dose here on bill.

Aah!

You know, they say

it's a nerve gas or something,

that it can actually --

it can actually, uh...Completely

destroy the human mind,

uh, which I didn't realize

bill was equipped with.

That one looked cruel, I think,

on my part.

[ coughing ]

aah!

So, bill showed us

some of the other --

these are various hand lotions.

I think avon has one and so on.

They work real well

in the woods.

Apparently, they work

as well as any bug repellent.

Uh, and what you do is you

just hold out your hand there

and just put it on there and...

I don't know.

I don't know

how that happened, but...

I guess he had it set

for sprinkle or...

Anyway, I managed to clean

most of it off myself.

"it is winter.

"my skis swoosh under me,

my feet thrown left and right.

"I struggle to stay upright.

"I'm out of control,

going too fast, falling,

"slipping

on the edge of disaster.

I hate these t-bars."

all right, uh,

at this point in the show,

we like to have a feature

where you can kind of

get to know harold

and the young people of today

and the difference

between the two.

[ chuckles ]

progress -- friend or foe?

I don't think so.

Should things be expected

to get bigger every year?

Think about your aunt.

Oh.

[ chuckles ]

maybe things are okay.

Maybe things should just stay

the same or get a little worse.

Hear me out.

Okay, hear me out.

Hear me out.

Okay.

Implying that things

should get better every year

says that maybe something

was bad.

Well, maybe it wasn't bad.

Maybe it was good.

Maybe it was so good

that it could only get bad.

That could happen, right?

That could happen, sure.

And I've learned to accept that.

I don't think that the older

generation has, though.

No, I don't think that at all.

And if you agree with me

that that could happen,

that that could happen

in this lifetime,

would you please phone

my parents

and tell them that d-minus

is not technically failing

a course?

Please?

Don't go away. We'll be

right back with more features,

more guests, and the

spine-tingling conclusion

of the story

of moose thompson, dancing buff.

That's short

for "buffoon."

if any of you have a teenager

in your house,

I'd like to have a word

with you...

Unless you're jerry lee lewis.

There's only one thing

that you need to remember

with a teenager,

and that is that every one

of them needs a shower.

Some of them actually need

a cold shower.

Some of them

should be dipped in ice.

You want to keep your kid clean,

and you want to keep them

at home.

If you want to keep your kid

out of trouble with the police,

the dermatologist,

and the obstetrician,

keep them in the shower

as much as you can.

And make sure they're alone.

We're out here

on location

with my good buddy

dougie franklin

and what has to be

more truck

than I ever thought

possible, doug.

Well, red, you got to have

yourself a big truck

if you're gonna be

crushing cars,

and, uh, you know,

crushing cars, it's fulfilling.

It's a fulfilling job, but you

got to take it in perspective.

It's only one small facet

of the truly --

the truly --

balanced existence.

And it should be treated

as such.

Well, now, this is

an excellent message

to the young people

of today, uh, dougie.

Uh, driving

a monster truck

is just not

the be-all and end-all.

No, oh, you can

say that again, red.

I mean,

there's, uh, polishing her --

uh, polishing her up.

There's, uh,

adding stuff to her,

like them lights up there.

They didn't come stock.

I put those on myself.

Oh, all right.

And, you know,

then there's, uh...

There's paying for it, too.

That's a challenge.

And the young folks, they need

a challenge today, red.

Yeah, yeah, they do.

You just know so darn much

about trucks.

Well, you know,

you take her apart so many times

and put her back together,

and it's only

a matter of time

before you figure

what them extra parts is

you got left over,

and, of course,

you got to take her

all apart again.

And after a while,

you know all about it.

That does make sense.

It does make sense.

Are you gonna

start her up for us?

I thought

you were gonna say that.

I was gonna say it.

I'd love you

to do that.

There's a vibration going on

here today, isn't there?

It's like you're picking up

on my beat.

Love you, big guy.

I love you, too, red.

Now, look, I'm gonna start

her up, and I'll just tell you,

as I start her and go through

the operation of her, okay?

Well, that sounds great.

Been looking forward to this.

Doug's gonna

start her up for us.

All righty.

We got ignition.

All right, go ahead.

[ engine turns over ]

all right, now, red...

[ engine revving ]

[ speaking indistinctly ]

[ engine shuts off ]

well, that's about her

in a nutshell, red.

Really, I don't think

you need to know any more

to take this baby out.

No.

No, I don't think so.

Dougie franklin,

a man of few words.

I think maybe I should --

I heard

when she was going there --

I shut her down,

I was hearing a bit of a tick.

I think I'll just start her up

one more time.

Start her up again?

You don't have to.

I mean, we've had --

if you don't want to --

well, it's for my own

edification.

You carry on

with what you're doing.

[ engine sputtering ]

the battery.

The battery's going on me.

Oh, that's too bad.

There is a god.

So, anyway,

I just wanted to finish off

about moose and buster

down at the bam bam club

in the moose costume.

They're down there,

and they come out on stage

in front of about 400

revved-up women

who've paid 20 bucks each,

and it isn't to see costumes.

The stereo's pumping away there,

and the two of them are

staggering around on the stage,

and suddenly, uh, moose's foot

catches the costume,

rips a big hole in it.

Wow.

The women go wild,

and they're trying to see

why they call him "moose"

with a big "m."

and, golly,

they're going nuts in there,

and they're holding up $10 bills

and yelling, "take it off,"

and suddenly, buster and moose

realize what's going on

because they were sitting in

those same seats a week earlier

holding up $5 bills

when it was ladies' night.

It suddenly struck them

that this form of entertainment

was tawdry and exploitive

and darn profitable.

Well, golly, the two of them

come home from there,

and they had their underwear

full of money,

which no bank will touch.

But, anyway,

it was a great time,

and if my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home,

and there is nothing

in my underwear

that wasn't there

when I left this morning.

So, on behalf of myself

and, uh...

Harold.

That says it all for me --

and the rest of us up here

at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.