The Funniest Video/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold:

A poet once wrote,

"a man's reach

should exceed his grasp,

or what's a heaven for?"

well, here's a man from the

farthest reaches of the north

on his last grasp, my uncle,

your host, red green.

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Yes!

Thank you very much,

and thank you, harold,

for that little bit

of literature.

Reminded me

of why I hated school.

No problemo.

Here's a little poetry in motion

for you.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ laughing ]

been kind of a good-news,

bad-news week

up here at possum lodge.

Now, for me, it's been

good news, not bad news,

but for some of the others, it's

been bad news, not good news.

Excuse me, uncle red.

You want to get on with it

before it's old news?

[ laughs ]

all right.

Uh, first the good news.

Harold, you're laid off.

What? Why?

Well, that's not fair.

And now the bad news --

he's not gonna go quietly.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry

about breaking your radio.

What?

What's wrong with my radio?

Nothing. Why?

Who said anything

about your rad-- what?

What?

Well, actually, uh,

I'm not laying harold off

for any of

his incompetence here.

It has to do with finances,

that's all.

We're a little short

on money,

and we're just gonna make

some cutbacks.

That's all there is to it.

Oh, okay, well, you know,

if that's what it is,

you know, there's a local

tv show, you know, uncle red?

And it's like

a "funniest home videos," right?

And what they do

is they show,

you know,

funny home videos, right?

So -- and if you win,

first prize is $1,000.

Wa-a-a! Right?

Just think

of all the funny things

that happen right here

in the lodge day in, day out.

We could, you know...

Like what things?

Like what?

Okay, okay. All right.

How about -- how about the time

that you parked the van

too close to the septic tank,

and then you stepped out, and...

Or, you know,

there was the time --

wa-a-a!

Junior singleton, right?

He borrowed uncle red's

brand-new radial arm band saw,

and he gets it, right, but his

suspender gets caught in there,

and he just blew out

the motor,

and it was --

but that's not funny.

That's the thing.

You know.

There's so many others

to choose from,

like --

oh, okay, you want it?

This is the one.

Wa-a-a! Okay.

Uncle red fell on the roof.

They're fixing the antenna.

A storm comes.

[ laughs ]

probably a bad example,

actually.

How about something

where someone else gets hurt,

you know, like me?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

[ laughs ]

oh, that was a good one.

You like that?

[ laughing ]

okay, all right, well,

we can make money on that.

Yes, we can make money on that,

uncle red.

'cause I could get the lodge

video camera, you know,

and I could just shoot

all the funny, humorous things

that happen around here.

We'll win first prize --

$1,000.

We'll be solvent again

[chuckles]

and I can keep my job,

you know.

Well, you know, other than you

keeping your job,

I really like

the sound of it, you know?

Mind you, at some point,

probably

the whole thing's

gonna blow up in my face.

Well, that's excellent.

I could film that, too.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ I spied a young lady

walking down the street ♪

♪ a pretty, young thing

that I chanced to meet ♪

♪ she wiggled her hips

and batted her eyes ♪

♪ can you begin to imagine

my surprise ♪

♪ when it turned out,

it came to my attention ♪

♪ it occurred to me

she wasn't young or pretty ♪

♪ she was a middle-aged guy

in show business ♪

this week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you how to

build a framing wall,

which is the first step

in, uh, turning

that dark, danky, stinky, musty

swamp of a cellar of yours

into a bright, uh, warm, modern,

uh, friendly, spacious

family room

where the kids can go

and do stuff

they don't want you

to know about.

Or you could put, say,

a decorator wall in upstairs

or perhaps you and your spouse

are going through one of those

low points in a marriage

where just a partition

in the bedroom

would keep you

legally living together

without creating

out-and-out warfare.

So, uh, the first thing

you're gonna need to do

is, uh, a few of the 2x4s

and some of the --

some of the 3½-inch nails.

Get the sharp ones.

And one of these babies

right here -- a power hammer.

What's a power hammer,

you're asking?

Well, a power hammer's basically

a gun that fires nails.

[ clicks ]

you got to love a tool that uses

gunpowder, don't you?

All right, let's start

by, uh, cutting up the 2x4s.

I love the smell of fresh pine.

You want to make sure you

get them all to the same length.

And here we go.

Oh, for crying out loud.

[ electricity crackles,

motor whirs ]

there we go.

And cut.

And there we go.

Boy, that smells good,

doesn't it? Huh?

Now, uh...

Golly, maybe I should have

measured those first, you know?

Why did I -- why did I cut those

again at a --

all right.

All right, let's start again.

Let's start again.

Okay, this time,

even up the ends

'cause you want them all

to be exactly the same length.

That's the whole point

of the...

I, uh -- I guess they were

the same length.

Oh, well.

Uh, we'll just build

a shorter wall now.

That's okay because the walls

in the basement

are real short anyway.

Oh.

[ motor whirs ]

okay, now,

these are your uprights,

or, at least, they will be

when they're upright.

And you cut these so that

they're exactly the same height

as your ceiling,

minus 3 inches.

Okay, uh,

just like harold's career,

we're gonna start

at the bottom --

the only difference being

we're going somewhere.

Okay, this here

is what I call the footer.

Actually, it's a 3-footer.

Uh, and we're gonna anchor this

to the floor

using, uh, the power hammer.

You know, actually, uh, these

units use the same cartridge

as a .22-caliber rifle.

You could go hunting with one of

these power hammers, you know?

You could get yourself a deer

and tack his hide to the tree

all in the one go.

All right, that'll be enough.

And you pop these

in the back here...

And then you just, uh,

put her in place,

push her down, and let her go.

[ gunshot echoes ]

did I mention ear protection

at all?

You really want to use

ear protection with this.

Ear protection's

pretty well a must.

So, uh,

this is gonna take a while,

so why don't you go back

to the show?

I'll keep building, and we'll

come back when I'm all done.

Somebody want to get that phone?

It's that time once again

where we expose

those three little words

that men have

such difficulty saying --

"I don't know."

and here to prove that point

is my uncle red

and his best friend

in the whole wide world.

Okay.

Mr. Dougie franklin.

"dear experts, I consider myself

to be an above-average driver.

"however, the judge

who took my license away

"suggests that I may not be

as good as I think I am.

Exactly how do you tell

if you're a bad driver or not?"

well, dougie, this sounds like

it'd be right dead center

in your area of expertise.

No kidding, red.

I mean, you want to know

something about bad drivers,

I am your man.

I must run into one or two

of those suckers

head on

once a month.

But listen, let's start

at the very, very beginning

where the problem lies.

I blame it on

your driver-education system.

I'm with you there, doug.

I agree 100%.

Absolutely.

I mean, you know,

a kid spends four years

in school

learning how to control

a pencil,

which has no moving parts,

goes about one mile an hour

and is not known to burst

into flames when she rolls.

What I'm saying here is we're

not teaching our kids right.

And how can we, you know?

I mean, these teachers

are talking theory.

You want to know

how to do something,

go to somebody

who's been there.

Go to hell and back

and tell the story.

Like my family.

We have had every type

of accident imaginable.

We have had your head-on,

your rear-ender,

your side swipe,

your rollover,

your rollover

with a convertible.

You name it.

We have done them all.

We should be teaching the kids.

You put me, my brother,

and my daddy

in front of a classroom,

and I guarantee you

you will bring down the number

of bad drivers on the road.

Yep, by three.

What you got to do is, uh,

attach this part of the wall,

uh, to the footer

by nailing nails up --

up through from underneath.

All right, if you're doing this,

I would suggest that you nail

this part onto the footer

before you attach it

to the floor.

That's an excellent tip.

Anyway, you get the idea.

So, until next time, remember,

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

You know,

what I could do with this

is just go down in the basement

and just keep firing nails

till I hit the wall.

[ gunshot ]

sorry, harold.

We're still working on

these funniest home videos,

so I thought

I'd go see ranger gord.

You know, gord,

I was thinking.

You're up here, and you've

been able to see, you know,

40 miles in every direction.

Uh, I guess you must see a lot

of funny things happen, do you?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

My life

is nonstop comedy and fun.

Oh.

You see a lot of funny things

over the course of 6,000 days.

Yeah, well, you know,

if we can get some of those

funny things on tape,

we can win a prize

on a television show.

Really?

What show, "real people"?

I don't believe

that one's on anymore.

This is, uh -- I believe

it's called "a funny home video"

or something like that.

You know what a great show is?

"vega$."

don't remember that one.

Oh, yeah,

I'm sure it's still on.

Dan tanna and his sexy, old,

vintage t-bird,

and his real sexy assistant,

beatrice.

[ laughs ]

oh, yeah, yeah.

They -- well, anyway, uh, gord,

what kind of funny things

do you see, you know,

the tourists doing up here?

Tourists?

Yeah.

Tourists.

No, tourists, uh,

don't come this far north.

Oh.

But once -- once there were

these two pine trees

growing right out there.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the two trees are growing,

and one tree

starts to grow

a little faster

than the other one.

Oh, for gosh sake.

And, uh, so it's taller.

But one night,

there's a windstorm,

and it blows the top branches

off the tall tree.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So all of a sudden, the

tall tree is actually shorter.

[ laughs ]

can you imagine

how the tall tree felt

being shorter?

You know, gord,

that may not play all that well

on television.

Well, uh, this idea of raising

money with a funny home video

was turning into kind of

a good-news, bad-news thing.

The good news is

we're getting lots

of suggestions from the guys.

The bad news is

none of them are any good.

Like buster hadfield claims

he gets big laughs

at his family functions

by putting underwear

on his head.

Should give you an idea

of how his family functions.

How we doing on

the technical end there, harold?

[ chuckles ]

oh, well,

just let me start by saying

it's totally my fault.

Well, that'll save

a little time.

Well, this is one

of these situations

where you wish you had

a video camera with you,

because [laughs]

it's really quite funny.

You know -- you know how you

need a battery

to make the camera

actually functionable?

You know the battery thing --

the battery?

You know that --

the battery?

The battery.

That's the one --

the battery, yeah.

So, it's cute, actually,

'cause in the biz --

you know,

the technical "showbiz,"

you know, the parlance

for such a term as a battery

is a chocolate bar, right?

You know that.

It's a chocolate bar,

'cause it looks like

a chocolate bar, you know.

But actually, it tastes

more like nickel and

cadmium, you know?

But anyway, anyway, you know,

it's funny,

because, you know,

being the cameraman,

when the battery dies, you would

turn to your assistant,

in this case, bill,

and I would say, you know,

"assistant, put in another

chocolate bar," you know?

[ laughs ]

and it's so funny,

because I thought

he was gonna put in

another battery, you know?

There's chocolate

in the camera?

Exactly!

[ laughs ]

everywhere, you know.

But -- but the funny part is --

funny part is

you can't get

the nuts or the raisins out.

Oh.

So we have no camera.

At this time, no.

On today's

"adventures with bill,"

bill is gonna teach me how to do

a little downhill skiing,

something I've never done.

And, uh, I think bill

is primarily a teacher.

Now, this was interesting.

In order to save time,

he had actually put his skis on

before he come out in my van

to do the skiing.

I thought it was interesting.

I guess it does

take quite a while

to get the skis on

and what have you,

but, you know,

I'm not really sure exactly

how much time this saved

in this particular case.

Anyways -- there he goes.

All right, all right.

But, you know --

I mean, with a teacher,

you teach your students,

and then they have --

I guess they have the choice

of either doing what you say

or picking a better way.

I might -- I might go

with a different way on this,

but -- but, again,

I'm receptive.

Bill knows what he's doing here.

And down we go, and then --

no, just caught --

now, there's another thing,

you see?

You show the example

of what could go wrong.

I think that's valuable.

Oh!

Yeah, that, for example, there.

Taking the end off the ski

is probably not something

you'd choose to do,

but if he shows it

to the students,

that's the mark

of an excellent teacher.

Anyways, we got lots more skis

out in the van.

A lot of poles.

Oh! Oh!

Now, this is -- that was

a safety lesson, you know,

and it's one that I'll remember

for quite -- quite a while.

Bill really is good that way.

And now, you got an awful lot

of poles there, bill.

Uh, yeah, I'll take that,

and then just -- and when -- oh.

Well, I guess he knows

what he's doing.

Now he puts them down like

jean-claude killy, you know.

Yeah, yeah, all right.

All right.

No tipping.

[ chuckles ]

anyway,

he's obviously showing me

how to get the -- the shoes

have the holes in them.

The pins line up with the holes

and the special

cross-country ski things,

and then he clips that --

now, there again,

he's showing us

what can go wrong.

Actually, I wasn't paying that

much attention at this point.

I was just kind of using logic

and common sense.

Oh. Oh. Ohh.

I was getting mine on all right.

I guess maybe the --

you know, that is

an effective way to teach you.

He shows you the wrong way,

and then you kind of --

you know,

you feel good about it.

And I was --

yeah, you're doing fine.

And I was feeling real --

real good, and I thought,

"this might be

an interesting way

to meet swedish women, too,

you know?"

and he's moving along there.

I'm not quite sure

what this was about.

I guess he was just kind of

marking his path

or what have you.

But this --

I guess this would explain

why all the poles were there.

As I said, I was looking more

for the swedes.

[ chuckles ]

anyway, these steep hills --

boy, there's a challenge.

That's a tough one.

He was using the poles to --

now, again,

I think as a teacher,

he was showing us all

that things can go wrong.

I thought he was gonna slide

all the way back

to the beginning of the course,

but, no, he got lucky there.

He's so smart.

And then I'm going,

and, all of a sudden,

I hear a noise.

I'm thinking, "what's

the teacher showing us?"

well, for gosh sakes, huh? Huh?

The teacher's

got a sense of humor.

But, bill, the van.

The van.

Bill, the van!

Oh!

Oh.

Well, I -- I learned

a great deal there,

and thank you, bill.

Actually, it's a great sport.

I'm having a good time,

and I actually missed him there,

so I'm getting better

than I used to be.

As far as the teacher's

concerned,

uh, well...

Looks to me like

it's, uh, class dismissed,

right, bill?

Ha ha!

Here's a part of the show

that's dedicated

and produced by teenagers.

Wa-a-a.

[ keyboard clacking ]

dork!

Doofus!

Geek!

Wa-a-a!

These names hurt.

Tell me about it.

Well, how do you stop people

from verbally belittling you?

Well, if it's your parents,

you got to be tactful.

If it's bullies,

don't say things like,

"sticks and stones

will break my bones,

but names will never hurt me."

wa-a-a!

Because they'll go

right to the sticks and stones

part, you know?

But cool people --

they're the toughest,

because what do you say to them?

I mean, they'll call you, like,

"hey, toolhead!"

and then you say to them...

There's nothing to say to them.

There's no -- nothing, right?

So what I've done

is I developed

a list of nasty names

to get true revenge

of the nerds.

Wa-a-a!

Okay, get ready.

Try some of these on for size

next time

you're getting belittled.

How about "dreb"?

Wa-a-a!

Or for the guy

who's really into clothes,

"hey, fashionoid!"

[ chuckles ]

for the handsome man --

"clefto."

for the pretty girl -- "plasty."

and here's just a group

of random ones.

These are just for fun.

Niner, spoon mouth,

goofball, whizbang!

[ laughs ]

"hey, lunkhead!"

what you got there, harold,

your family tree?

[ laughing ]

cool.

In there, harold?

All right, uh, getting

ready to do our funny

home-video stuff,

so we thought I'd visit

our pal here, buzz sherwood,

'cause he's always laughing.

[ laughs ]

how you doing, buzz?

Pretty good, red!

Ow!

[ laughs ]

that's not funny.

Hey, harold, how are you?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Hey, is that thing on?

Really?

Yeah.

Hey, look at this.

Look at this.

I've been working on stuff.

Watch this.

Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy.

My grandmother did that

in vaudeville!

[ laughs ]

no, that's not --

no, no, no, no.

I got an idea.

Here, here.

You take this.

Yeah.

Smash it over my head

really hard.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Oh, no.

No, I -- no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'll get a chair, and I'll

fall out of the chair.

That'll be funny.

[ laughs ]

no, that's not funny.

That's not funny.

What else you got?

Tools! Tools!

I can juggle tools.

Watch this. Ready?

You got this on there?

Ready to catch it, harold?

Whoa!

Whoa!

Did you get that, harold?

[ laughs ]

buzz. Buzz.

What?

Is there maybe some kind of

a cute, little stunt

or a trick

or something you can do?

A cute stunt?

Yeah, something cute.

You mean like a loop-de-loop

into a hammerhead stall

into an uncontrolled dive?

Yeah, yeah.

Can you do that?

Well, sure.

That's what happened

to my last plane, remember?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

I was gonna take this up

in the plane

and drop it on old man sedgwick,

but I got a better idea.

Hold that.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Throw it in the propeller!

Oh, no, I don't think

I want to do that, buzz.

Man, you're such a wussy.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

Give me the water--

give it to me.

Give me this.

My plane!

My plane, red!

My plane!

I got to --

[ boom ]

hey! Hey, come back!

Come back!

You getting this, harold?

This is great stuff.

Well, there's even more

good news and bad news

about the funniest home video

contest.

We won, didn't we? Yes! We won!

I knew we'd win!

I knew, I knew, I knew!

I said we'd win, and we won!

I get to keep my job.

[ laughs ]

wa-a-a-a!

So, you can tell me

the good news.

Tell me.

[ chuckles ]

the good news is that the, uh,

television people down there

took a look at our tape and have

decided not to press charges.

Plus, they have promised

not to say anything

to the authorities

or the humane society.

We didn't win, did we?

We didn't win.

The bad news is that

when the tape came back,

old man sedgwick took it out

for processing.

So now we got no tape,

we got nothing to sell,

no way to raise money,

and I guess we're not gonna have

a show next week.

Processing?

He took it in for processing?

What?

You process film.

You don't process videotape.

I mean, any idiot knows that.

Well, I know you do,

harold.

Old man sedgwick

is not up to speed

on these newfangled gizmos.

You know,

like the vcr or the wheel.

So now all we got

is this old tape here

with just all the mistakes and

outtakes and screw-ups we did.

Oh, idea -- maybe we just put,

like, credits

on the front of it

and on the back,

and it could be

next week's episode.

Well, harold, maybe there is

room for you around here, huh?

[ laughs ]

anything to keep my job.

[ screeching ]

oh, meeting time.

Yeah.

Uh, harold, you take this

and set up the vcr.

Oh, okay.

Okay, great.

Boy, next week's show is gonna

be a real hummer, isn't it?

[ crash ]

harold:

Oh ho ho ho ho!

Well, that's just my luck.

He hurts himself,

I don't have a camera.

Anyway, uh,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and maybe we can dig up

that old, uh, film we've got

of your dad.

Remember

when he went parasailing

in that electrical storm,

you know?

And if we can't find it,

maybe we can just shoot

a new one.

I mean, he's back in the pink

since the open-heart surgery.

Tell him there'll be 500 bucks

in it for him.

And to the rest of you,

on behalf of myself

and what's left of harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

man: All rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

All right, uh, before we start

the meeting tonight,

uh, harold,

pop that tape in the vcr.

We're gonna take a look

at what will become

next week's show.

If I can just direct

your attention over to the...