Bernice's Birthday/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

What's red and green

and plaid all over?

I'll give you a hint.

Your hero, my uncle, red green!

Whoo!

(applause and cheering)

thank you very much.

By golly -- ok, beautiful.

This is a big day,

probably my favourite day,

next to christmas

and pancake Tuesday.

It's the best day,

the most fantastic day.

It's not just the gifts.

It's people's thoughtfulness,

the appreciation of people.

That's what it's about.

The balloons and the fancy cake

don't hurt at all, either.

We're not talking about

the same special day, harold.

What special day

are you talking about?

Asphalt day.

No, I'm talking about

aunt bernice's birthday.

What?

Aunt bernice.

Bernice? My wife?

Bingo!

What did

you get her?

(laughing)

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

Man! It really is

bernice's birthday.

Her birthday falls a week

after asphalt day.

That's how I remember it.

What is asphalt day?

Asphalt day,

harold.

You know,

asphalt day.

Every spring, the highway crews

fix the cracks

and pot-holes in the road.

They head to the main highway,

but before the asphalt cools,

we drive through the holes,

undercoat all our vehicles.

Then we scoop up

the loose asphalt,

take it home, and

fix our own driveways.

(audience laughing)

wow... Um...

I could see why

that's exciting, in your mind,

but I'm thinking, you know,

your wife's birthday,

maybe it's just slightly

more important

than a free bucket of pavement.

I know, harold, but all

the stores will be closed.

It's not even noon yet.

It's asphalt day --

nothing's open.

Oh, wait a minute.

Port asbestos --

I'll go up there.

It's not asphalt day there

till tomorrow.

That's 125 miles away.

By the time you arrive,

everything will be closed.

They're more cosmopolitan

up there.

The gas station's open

till 7:00.

(audience laughing)

(red): In the "adventures

with bill" segment,

we're gonna be

cooking some hot--

well, we're starting

to cook them now,

but, you know, by golly, just

takes you back, doesn't it?

And my lucky camping jacket,

when I was a kid --

I don't know why bill

felt he had to wave

with his wienie but...

Where did it go, bill?

Where did it go?

I think I can help you.

Even that takes me back

to the days at camp

when youngsters

would be maybe 9, 10...

Some of us were 17,

but that didn't matter.

We were in the same grade.

We'd be sitting around,

and get down by the camp-fire

and just...

We would use the sticks,

you know --

sticks on the hot dogs,

and everything,

but by golly,

it's just kinda nice...

Bill seems to carry hot dogs

in his pocket.

I don't know -- I guess

he's using it as gratuities

at the various hotels

he stays at, I suppose.

What are you doing, bill?

He needs the coat hanger.

Whoa!

Uh-oh!

♪ ohhhh ♪

♪ don't ever get

a snake bite ♪

♪ don't ever dare one

to strike ♪

♪ don't take a snake and

wrap it around your head ♪

♪ especially when

you're riding your bike ♪

♪ on the highway ♪

♪ ohh, don't ever get

a snake bite ♪

♪ 'cause, believe me,

that hurts plenty ♪

♪ and don't drop a rattler

into your shorts ♪

♪ but then, hindsight is

always 20-20 ♪

oh, yeah.

This is for the grand prize

of a recording

of nature sounds,

recorded at possum lodge,

when stinky peterson

accidentally hit

the record button on a date.

You have 30 seconds

to make mr. Hap shaughnessy

say this word...

"alien".

Na-na-na-na!

Ok, go.

All right,

in the movie "e.T.",

e.T. Was...

... My idea.

(audience laughing)

of course, spielberg never

gave me any credit... Again.

Yeah, ok,

ok, fine.

All right, uh...

Say an extraterrestrial

in a spaceship--

I'm sorry, red, no.

I can't talk about

that incident.

National security.

No, hap, a creature

from another planet.

Voldar.

Pardon me?

That's what he said

his name was.

I can't divulge more.

No, hap, I'm talking about

little green men from mars.

That's a...

... A myth -- they're blue.

Oh...

Oh, boy.

I may have said too much.

Well, we're

used to that.

I better get out of here.

National security.

"x-files" and all that,

you know.

The truth is out there.

Way out there.

(laughing)

this week on "handyman corner",

thought I'd give

the possum van a paint job.

You're probably asking,

"how come, red?

"she looks ok to me."

or "don't you need

one of them air compressors?"

or "what the hell

is this show?"

let me answer that

by telling you,

no, sir, I don't need

one of them air compressors...

Not when I got 60 pounds

per square inch in each tire.

Get yourself a funnel.

Put your finger over the end.

Put paint in 'er,

and then what you do is

you use the funnel

to put the paint into the tire.

Ok, apparently the air

does get in the way of that.

I've flattened all four tires.

For once, I did it on purpose.

I needed all four because I got

four different kinds of paint.

I have grey and black

and blue

and the little white highlights

on here.

Out of my four tires,

let's see.

One is old, one is new,

one is borrowed...

So this one, I'll make blue.

All right, I got paint

in all four tires.

Now all's I have to do

is just... Pump 'em up.

(grunting)

all right, now, you...

Want to make sure

you're in pretty decent

physical condition

before you... Pump up

four tires like that.

Just because you see...

You see me do it

doesn't mean it's something

you should just

automatically jump into.

I got the paint

in all four tires.

Now I just want to make sure

the paint is well mixed

all the way through

on them...

(coughing)

if you had a leaky valve,

you could paint the town red.

That came out wrong.

To get the paint onto the van,

you need these air hoses, here.

You get them

from your local gas station

after they close and maybe

they forgot to bring them in.

So I've got four of them,

one from each tire,

or, I should say,

one from each colour.

Then, to distribute

all the paint,

I run 'er through

one of these soft-drink

dispenser nozzle units.

I'm gonna use mainly blue,

so I made that "cola".

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I got some

van customizing to do.

(clicking)

ohhh!

Uh, all right,

I shouldn't have used

the quick-drying paint

on there.

I'll tell you one thing.

I'll never have a flat tire.

Wait, now, wait, now.

No, I think the nozzle's

just clogged.

I'm glad this is

a plaid shirt.

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

Want to talk to you guys

who are thinking

about getting married... Again.

Before you make the life-long

till-death-do-us-part

commitment thing

for the second or third time,

can I just ask you

one simple question?

What are you, nuts?

Why would you give up the one

thing that all men want?

Freedom.

I'm not just talking about

freedom to drive anywhere.

I'm talking about freedom

to drive anywhere...

The way you want.

(audience laughing)

freedom to stop at the bathroom

when you want to.

Freedom to go to the

drive-through when you want to.

The freedom to be able

to hold on to your low-browed,

narrow-minded,

short-sighted opinions

without ever having

to defend them.

(audience laughing)

why would you want

to give that up?

Because you'll have to.

Oh, yeah, oh, for sure.

Oh, yeah.

She's marrying you

for the exact opposite reason

that you're marrying her.

She thinks you'll change.

(laughing)

she thinks you'll change

for the better...

... Improve with age.

Hey, things don't improve

with age.

Look at your truck!

(laughing)

look at your roof!

Look in the mirror!

So for gosh sake,

before it's too late,

don't get married again!

And don't feel guilty.

I'm sure someone on

her side of the family

is giving her the same advice.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(laughing and applause)

ever get the feeling

that cruel fate is

playing you out like a bass?

Would that be

a large-mouth?

(laughing)

would that be

a suicide attempt?

(audience laughing)

I'm heading out to the highway

in the van.

Some moron took all the asphalt

out of the big pot-hole

by pie peak turn-off.

Man, I nailed 'er.

Bent a strut, broke a tie rod,

took a good shot

in one of my ball joints.

I didn't get to port asbestos

and couldn't get bernice

a birthday gift

at the gas station.

A very novel concept.

Interesting shopping venue,

uncle red --

a gas station.

You know, I guess you're after

that high-end stuff --

the fuzzy dice, the road maps,

key chains, things like that.

I was getting her glassware.

It's free with a fill-up, ok?

There's 12-ounce glasses.

They're unbreakable, and

the sunoco logo

matches our kitchen.

Oh! Well, then,

yes, of course.

What are you

gonna do now?

Plan "b", harold.

Sell me your gift.

I'd love to.

Thanks a lot.

But I can't.

That would

be wrong.

Aw, come on, harold.

It's important,

what I give her.

You're just a nephew.

She couldn't care less

about you.

(audience): Awww!

That's not even true!

I know she likes me!

I like her and

she knows I like her

because I have never forgotten

her birthday.

Wahhh.

(audience laughing)

tell you what you could do.

Ask your friends if they have

any useless gifts

they gave their wives

but the wives knew

it was useless,

so it's laying around.

So you're suggesting I get

a useless gift for bernice?

It's not like we'll break

tradition here, uncle red.

(audience laughing)

uh, hello, my name's dalton.

I am a man.

(all): Hi, dalton!

Hello, men.

The other night,

I was watching t.V.

I had the remote control

in my hand.

My wife was there

and my daughter was there

and I was flippin' through

the channels like always,

'cause there was nothing on,

which is so damn typical!

Anyway, I was flippin'

and flippin'

and flippin' and flippin'

and, uh, you know...

I knew I was doing wrong

because the t.V. Guide

was there.

The t.V. Guide, you can never

trust what it says

because the descriptions

are never very helpful!

The other night, they had

this show called "friends".

I turned it on and there was

none of my friends on then.

Anyway, I was flippin'

and flippin'

and flippin' and flippin'

and suddenly I hear this voice.

It's right in my head.

It was right there!

Turned out it was my wife

beside me on the couch.

Scared me anyway, though!

She said, "dalton,

give me that remote!"

you know what?

Right then and there...

I stopped flippin'...

And I turned over

and I handed the remote to her

and I said, "honey...

"you... Choose."

(gasping)

wow!

Big stuff!

That made me feel

so sick to my stomach,

but I did it!

I let my wife choose

the programme she wanted.

She wanted to see

"martha stewart living".

We watched it

for quite a while.

I don't think

martha stewart is living.

I think that was some kind of

robot thing on there.

We watched it for hours.

It was the worst night

of my life.

We must have watched

four or five shows

on home decorating,

all of them filled

with ideas and information.

I didn't want to see

ideas and information.

I wanted to watch television!

(red): Meanwhile, back at

"adventures with bill",

we got all...

Got the wieners cooked

and they're ready to put...

Gotta back up a little.

Drop the wieners into the buns.

This brings me back.

Remember "the ed sullivan show"

where the guys spin plates?

Get one going, then the other

would almost fall...

Then the other one,

then they get--

then he'd add another one

and then, all of a sudden...

They're gone.

Where's-- what are you

doing, bill?

They gotta go into the buns.

Hold them there?

Uh-oh, bill has a plan.

On the hat, down the shoulders,

and...

Oh, by golly.

Perfect! Oh, by gosh, yeah.

All right, we're ready--

they're warm, they smell great.

Just gonna-- what?

No?

Oh, bill's gotta put the...

Oh, man.

Just a bit of that, bill.

I'm not that fussy

on the...

Ohhh...

Yeah, just put

a little bit on there.

I'll say when.

Ok, when.

When.

When.

Ohhhhh!

When!

Thank you, bill.

Want to check the hearing aid.

A little bit of relish.

Need something to kill

the taste of the ketchup.

Just a little bit.

When.

Whoa! Whoa!

Yeah, that should do it.

Boy, oh, boy.

Oooh!

Bill's just gonna put

some mustard on his.

I decided not to have

the mustard.

What are you doing?

He couldn't get 'er out.

Ok, all right, yeah, ok.

You want me to hold--

you did the ketchup,

the relish.

You want me to hold

the hot dog--

no, no, no!

Uh-uh, mm-mmm.

Let's try a switch.... Ohhh!

Ohhh!

A thought went through

my mind, but... No.

We have to do another show

next week... So, uh,

stand back, bill.

There you go.

Jeez, I may have missed that.

I could go again, I suppose.

Bill, I could go again,

if you want.

Huh?

There's something you don't see

very often...

An arm with a hot dog

on each end.

No, thanks, bill.

Mmm!

(red): Here's a combination

fishing rod and bait pail,

sent by a viewer.

I gotta go home soon.

I have nothing for bernice.

You were right

about lodge members

and stuff they've bought

for their wives.

The selection was there,

wasn't it?

You should have

seen the stuff.

Crepe makers,

hot-air popcorn poppers,

individual grilled-cheese

sandwich waffle-iron things,

a bread maker, electric wiener

warmer... Unbelievable.

Why didn't you

buy her one?

Bernice already

has all those.

Right, ok, yeah.

You know what you could do?

Get her a romantic intangible.

That's a good idea --

are they electric?

(audience laughing)

no... No, no, no.

It's like, one time...

One time, right?

I had this crush on a girl

so I gave her a poem.

Well, I wrote one.

When it came time

to give it to her,

I panicked and swallowed it.

I didn't think she wanted it

after that.

A poem won't work, harold.

Nothing rhymes with "bernice".

I know what I'll do.

I'll build her something,

all by myself,

right in the workshop.

Yeah, mm-hmm, yeah.

Nothing says "I like you"

like good one-side plywood.

Welcome to the expert portion,

where we explore

those three words

that men find

so difficult to say.

(audience):

"I don't know!"

now, joining my uncle red is

the new person

to the possum lake area,

mr. Kevin black!

(applause and cheering)

the letter goes as follows --

"dear experts,

"last year, my wife and I

"heated our cottage

with electricity.

"when the bill came,

"I had to cash in

a savings bond

"and get a second job.

"is there a cheaper way

to heat a country home?"

yeah, there is.

It's a special substance

we have up here

in the non-city areas.

It's called wood, all right?

It grows on trees up here.

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

no,

he's kidding.

Go with gas.

I'm building a place here and

I'm putting in a gas furnace.

It is clean and inexpensive.

This will be interesting.

I thought you had to hook

a gas furnace up to something.

You know, uh...

I believe they call them

gas pipelines.

Nobody has gas

up here.

Ok.

Ok, well, then, the...

Uh, that...

... Tree thing would be

the way to go.

All right, yeah.

It might be kind of fun,

rolling up the sleeves,

swinging an axe.

No, we use chainsaws up here.

I came here for the quiet.

Chainsaws are awful noisy.

I think you'd rather listen

to a chainsaw for a week

than listen to an axe

for five months.

All right,

well,

I'll hire a local.

There must be guys

willing to work

for 80, 90 cents an hour.

What about

you, red?

You need some

extra pin money?

No, thanks, I have enough pins.

Don't think you want me

swinging an axe

up at blood point.

It's called bluff point.

Not when uncle red's through

with it.

No, thank you,

I got my own wood to chop.

You know, I don't mean

to be rude,

but I don't think you grasp the

concept of business management.

We don't, and we really

appreciate the compliment.

See, uh,

how it works is

if I chop your firewood,

I gotta hire somebody

to chop mine.

He's gotta hire somebody,

and so on.

We think it's easier if

everybody does their own work

and nobody has to spend money

they don't have.

Then you have no local economy.

No, but we have this thing

called a local reality.

Well, that may...

That may be all right

for the boonies,

but I would hate to see

what the city would look like

if we operated that way.

You'd have more trees

and less gas.

(laughing and applause)

this is the one, harold.

Get off there, you gol-darned

son of a gun.

I got 'er this time!

Can you imagine

what bernice is--

I come home -- look at this!

What do you think, huh?

A desk set, harold.

That's a gas-powered

pencil sharpener.

We got a one-ton hole punch.

Huh? Eh? Huh?

What do

you think?

Ahhh!

Ohhhh! Ash tray.

She don't

smoke.

I'll buy her cigarettes.

(audience laughing)

come on, sell me your present.

No can do,

no can do.

I worked hard

on it.

It's sentimental.

It means

so much.

Fifty bucks.

Sold.

All right, good.

Let's get this

frou-frou stuff off

so she knows it's from me.

What is this, a cushion?

It's needlepoint!

I worked really hard on that.

"to aunt bernice.

"with love,

your nephew harold."

(possum squeal)

meeting time, uncle red.

I'll see you there in a minute.

You'll be down in a minute?

Actually, you look down

already.

(laughing)

well... If my wife is...

Oh, my gosh.

Are you watching, bernice?

Well, uh...

I guess I'll be sleeping

on the porch tonight

but don't worry about me.

I'll have this cushion and...

Hey, happy birthday,

and remember,

you're not getting older.

You're getting...

... More forgiving, I'm hoping.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and the needlepoint maniac,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down.

If anybody's talking

to buster hadfield, I want

to have a word with them.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!