Expropriation/Transcript

The complete transcript for Expropriation

Intro
''{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, here's the man who's a riddle wrapped in an enigma wearing suspenders, your host, your hero, my uncle, Red Green!

{Red enters the lodge, waving, as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: All right. Okay. I think you should all switch back to water. Okay! {laughs} Big, big week up at the lodge this week. I'm thinking about making a little real estate investment, getting myself a little piece of property. I'm thinking about buying that chunk of land that Fuzzy Norton has for sale down by the Mercury Creek bridge.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs, walks up to Red} Uncle Red, that's not land. No, no, land is dry. And land is often times square. That's triangular and... Well, it's triangular and it's wet. You know, it's... It's like a big diaper. Smells like one, too. You got to–

RED GREEN: Well, now, Harold, don't get excited here. It's a free market, okay? Fuzzy wants to sell, and I want to buy.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, why? You can't build on it. You can't even, like, y'know, park on it. Anything over 200 pounds sinks right to the bottom. There goes ninety percent of the lodge members right there. And so...

RED GREEN: Well, you know, I guess– I guess, then, Harold, either I have a plan, or I'm an idiot, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, good. Okay.

RED GREEN: Huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Because usually you have a plan, and you're an idiot. But this way...

RED GREEN: Easy, easy, easy, easy. You know what the word "expropriation" means, Harold? Did you ever hear that one?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes, I heard of it, and I do know what it means.

RED GREEN: Huh? What does it mean?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you want to know?

RED GREEN: Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay. It means... Well, it's, like, if the government is going to buy, y'know, your property to, like, put up a park or something like that. A park or something like that.

RED GREEN: How about for a highway, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah. Right. Like, the government is going to build a highway that's, like, triangular and floods and sinks.

RED GREEN: Well, something like that, Harold. But, hey, you and I are the only ones in the area that know about it. You know what I mean?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. Well, I'm willing to forget it if you are. {Red shakes his head while Harold plays switcher}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Red, who puts the cap of a Black Magic Marker in his mouth before drawing on a toy van.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few selected clips from this week's show, and... and these are the highlights, folks.

{Cut to Bill and Harold having a paintball war, with Bill peppering Harold with paint.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Boy, oh, boy, a little bit of everything. Something for the whole family here.

''{Cut to Red putting some duct tape on the frame of a painting provided by Hap for Red to fix. Hap, however, objects to Red using duct tape to fix it.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'm not sure I want to meet that family. It's a good show.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: This is priceless!

Plot Segment 2
{Harold reads from a clipboard in his hands.}

HAROLD GREEN: "A memorial service is being held this evening for Mr. Dave Knight. For anybody who can remember who he is, would you please attend and express our deepest condolences?" Okay.

{As Harold turns the page in the clipboard, behind him, the door opens and Red enters.}

HAROLD GREEN: "Lost and found–"

''{Red shuts the door, which gets Harold's attention. Red is pleased with himself.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, Harold, I'm getting real close on this real estate deal. I got Fuzzy down to 400 bucks.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow! How much was he asking?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Four hundred bucks. {to camera} But you know, I'll tell you, the place has been for sale so long, he was thinking of raising the price. {points to his own head} Fuzzy's not too swift, you know?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, he was swift enough to sell you a sinkhole for $400.

RED GREEN: Oh, not just me. I've got partners, Harold. I really couldn't come up with the $400 all on my own. So there's 85 of us. We kicked in... And we kicked in five bucks apiece.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles nervously} There's 85 of you, and you put five dollars in to make $400?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head} Boy, you're not very good at math, Uncle Red. {giggles}

RED GREEN: Oh, no, no, Harold. They're not very good at math. I'm up 25 bucks. {turns and leaves}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, having respect for nature
 * Is a sport that's always in season,
 * Like when something is called a stink bug,
 * There's probably a pretty good reason.
 * When you step on a stinkbug,
 * It's not like a slug or snail.
 * That's why my eyes are watering,
 * And that's why my shoes are for sale.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game! Haw! Okay, this week's grand prize is a real special one. Picture this: Two weeks aboard a luxury cruise liner, stopping in various ports throughout the Western Caribbean, sunshine captured forever. {pull back to reveal Red and Arnie sitting at card table} And where is all of those wonderful memories going to go? Inside today's grand prize: {holds up...} a photo album! Supplied by Phyllis' Photos and Flowers Emporium. All right, Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Arnie Dogan to say this word. {Arnie covers his ears} Plug your ears. {Harold notices} Excellent. {holds up word sign} The word is... {turns word sign around; it reads...} "Talent". "Talent". {sets sign down} And go!

{Arnie uncovers his ears.}

RED GREEN: All right, Arnie... A special ability...

ARNIE DOGAN: Contortionist.

RED GREEN: No, Arnie, being a contortionist is not a special ability.

ARNIE DOGAN: I guess&dnash; I guess you've never made out on a roofing ladder, eh, Red?

{Red and Arnie both laugh.}

ARNIE DOGAN: Eh? No problem.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, we're running out of time. {makes a twirling "hurry up" motion with his hand} C'mon, go!

RED GREEN: Okay, Arnie... Oh, I know. What do you need to make it in show business?

ARNIE DOGAN: Breast implants?

RED GREEN: No, no. When people find out you're a singer, they say you must have...

ARNIE DOGAN: Thick skin.

RED GREEN: You know the Grammy Awards, okay? They give awards to people with the most...

ARNIE DOGAN: Jewelry.

HAROLD GREEN: The clock is ticking, the clock's ticking!

RED GREEN: Okay, Arnie, you're a pretty good roofer. When people see your work, they say you have real...

ARNIE DOGAN: Oh, no, not me, Red. The emergency room fracture unit, they're the ones with the talent.

RED GREEN: All right!

{Red frantically rings a bell on the table to end the game.}

HAROLD GREEN: {handing Arnie the photo album} Here you go!

Handyman Corner
''{Red drives the Possum Van into the Handyman Corner sign, knocking it over. He gets out and leans against the van.}''

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, I was gonna show you how to make a catapult out of one of them hideaway beds to help get your teenagers up in the morning. But on the way over here, I was passed by a red convertible sports car, and the woman driving it had the top down. {beat} On the car. And I said, "Man, would I love to have one of those." The convertible, that is. Oh, yeah, love the feel of wind in my hat. But you know, I hate to give up {taps van hood} the roominess and safety of a van to ride around in something the size of one of them kiddie rides at the supermarket. So instead, this week on Handyman Corner, I'm going to turn the Possum Van into a convertible. {walks alongside van} I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to do it, but I'll– I'll figure out a way.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red strokes his beard and then points up to the roof of the van, trying to figure out what to do.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah, I could, uh... {shakes head} No, no...

''{Wipe again to still later. Red walks away from the Possum Van, pushing a dolly cart with an acetylene torch and propane tank on it.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I was gonna make a convertible out of the Possum Van. You know, just... {pushes dolly cart with some effort over some rougher road} cut the roof off or something. Then I thought, "Wait a sec! What if something goes horribly wrong, and I ruin my favorite vehicle?" {walks up to another van} Then I got an idea. A brainstorm! It just hit me. Hey! {taps van with fist} Porky Lansford has a van, and he loves convertibles, eh? Especially if he can get one for free. {pushes dolly cart up to driver's side door} And you know what else? It'll be a surprise. {picks up a toy van} What I've done here is, I've got this model. This is one of Harold's, actually. And I'll show you what I've got in mind.

''{He takes out a Black Magic Marker and puts the cap in his mouth. He continues his lecture, but with the cap in his mouth, he's mumbling, and it's impossible to make out. He draws the shape of a convertible roof on the toy van while continuing to mumble incoherently. He scribbles a bit on the newly-drawn roof and then takes the marker cap out of his mouth.}''

RED GREEN: ...and that should work great. {takes acetylene torch hose} Now, to do the cuttin', uh, I would suggest that you need something heavier than, uh... than a hacksaw, unless you recently retired and are looking for some way to fill up your days. But I would say go with a torch on that, and... if you don't have a torch, well... {lights up acetylene torch} I'd say get one! {chuckles; lowers torch flame over toy van} Just get it good and hot, and... {adjusts torch settings} start cuttin'!

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is wearing protective goggles to shield himself from the torch flame. He shuts the torch off. Unfortunately, the torch did not cut up the toy van as he had expected. Instead, it completely melted the van.}''

RED GREEN: All right. I made all the cuts. {reaches out to pick up toy van, but recoils, as it's too hot to touch} Oh, boy! Oh! Probably– Probably should've used the hacksaw on this, but... {hastily} it was just a test. It'll work a lot better on the van.

''{Red drops the toy and takes the torch, turning toward the full-sized van with it. Wipe to a later scene. Red is laying on top of the van, cutting up the roof with his torch. Wipe again. Red is still cutting up the roof.}''

RED GREEN: Almost... Almost through...

''{Suddenly, the roof collapses under him as he had succeeded in cutting up the roof. He falls into the van. Wipe again. Red is now standing next to the van, still cutting with the torch. The inside of the van has smoke billowing out.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, if you don't want the smoke, clean the van out first.

''{Wipe again. The sides and roof of the van have been cut off completely, except for a small bit on the front and very back of the van. There are torch burns where Red had cut. He shuts off the acetylene torch.}''

RED GREEN: All right. We got ourselves a convertible now. {taps van with fist} Just to turn it back into a hardtop, we've gotta cut this up a little bit more and put some hinges on the side here. Now, you could, uh, put some regular hinges on there, but I would recommend the handyman's secret weapon, {removes protective goggles} duct tape.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has opened the back doors of the van and attached duct tape to the pieces of the roof to use as hinges.}''

RED GREEN: All right, we got our sections all in place now. Now we need some kind of a mechanism to raise and lower the roof. And for that you need three things: a 2x4, a car jack, and grade 10 physics. {walks over to a 2x4 and a car jack} What you do is, you take the 2x4 and you lay it on the car jack, see? And then what you do is, you get the thing near the center of the fulcrum... or the position of the force. And then when you jack up the car, {makes a raising motion with his hand} then you're gonna raise the roof. {takes 2x4 and car jack} Let's give her a try.

''{Wipe to a later scene. The handle of the car jack is sticking out of the back of the van, with the 2x4 inside, placed under the pieces of the roof. Red wipes his hands together in satisfaction. He then looks up at the sky.}''

RED GREEN: All right, uh... You know, it looks like it's gonna rain... in another couple of weeks, so why don't we just jack it up and raise the roof! {starts jacking up the 2x4, raising the van roof pieces} Oh, look at that baby go! Yep.

''{A brief montage is shown, as Red vigorously raises the car roof, breathing heavily with the effort. Eventually, the van roof pieces, attached to the van by duct tape, start to rise to their proper places. Finally, with one last push on the jack, Red finishes, with the van roof pieces fully upright. He then walks around to the side of the van.}''

RED GREEN: All right. So, remember, if the women don't find you handsome... {gestures toward van} well, get a convertible. {chuckles, then looks up at the sky} I wonder when the storm's gonna hit. {suddenly, the van roof pieces fall over into the van, catching Red's attention} I guess it blew over. {tries to open the driver's side door, which appears to either be jammed or locked}

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older guys who have more miles on your odometer than you have left on your warranty. Maybe some of you are thinking that one day soon, well, you're going to go to sleep and not snore. {beat} Ever again. Yeah, I'm talking about shuffling off this mortal coil and taking the big dirt nap. And some of you are probably thinking, "You know, maybe I should start going to church again." You know, kind of build up your credit and pay your entrance fee into the Pearly Gates, that kind of thing. You used to go to church all the time. It's not your fault that the best golfing and fishing time is Sunday morning. And now you're worried that, God being all powerful and all knowing, maybe He's not going to let you back into the flock since you strayed for five decades or so. But that's the great thing about God. He'll forgive you. It's never too late. It is never too late. So, no rush to go back to church. I say wait until you're too old to golf or fish, huh? It is never too late! Personally, I'm planning on a deathbed thing. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the lodge, holding a long sheet of paper in his hand.}

RED GREEN: Well, I got the deed all signed over, so that land is officially ours.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up to Red} Oh, Uncle Red, {shakes head} I heard there is no highway coming through. I heard that you dreamed this whole thing up. Haw! Yeah, this big scheme of yours is supposed to be what happens to a person after they have fifty years of unattended head injuries.

RED GREEN: No, Harold, don't worry about that rumor. Doesn't bother me a bit. You wanna know why?

HAROLD GREEN: Why?

RED GREEN: I started it, Harold, okay? I'm just trying to cool off my real estate partners.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Well, it worked. I heard they were going to sue you. The only reason they backed off, though, is because they thought, you know, the legal fees would cut into their five-dollar claim.

RED GREEN: None of that matters, Harold, okay? I offered to give the guys all their money back, and they accepted, okay? So from now on, the property, and the profit when I sell it, will be all mine.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, how come if you can afford to pay them all back, why didn't you just buy the land on your own the first time?

RED GREEN: Oh, because I've got to pay for the land today. The refunds to the guys can be deferred. But that's– that's high finance, Harold. {pats Harold on the shoulder} That's beyond you, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I got it. You just want to sit around and do nothing and make money, but you didn't want anybody else hoarding in on it.

RED GREEN: Yeah, that's pretty much it, yep. Hey, where did you get so smart about money?

HAROLD GREEN: I watch that show Traders. (the audience applauds) I'm-I'm totally ashamed of your greed, I'm just saying.

RED GREEN: Well, fine, Harold. Give me $200, and I'll cut you in for half the profit.

HAROLD GREEN: No, thank you! There's going to be no highway; therefore, there will be no profit.

RED GREEN: Well, then, how can that possibly make me greedy?

HAROLD GREEN: {stares} You're amazing, Uncle Red! You're taking selfishness to the point where it actually helps people.

Red's Teen Talk
{A door in a travel trailer outside the lodge opens and Red steps out, wearing a yellow slicker.}

RED GREEN: I want to talk to you teenagers about setting a good example. That's what you're doing. {closes door} Oh, yeah. You're setting an example for a very impressionable and vulnerable group who want to dress like you and act like you: namely, adults. {walks around trailer, stopping often to look under it} Yeah, see, adults can't admit they're over the hill. They want to be young again. Because they realize how badly they blew it the first time around, they want a second chance. They figure as long as they dress like teenagers and act like teenagers, nobody'll notice that they're old and wrinkled and out of it. You guys started wearing the spandex; so did adults. Yesterday, I saw a 250-pound jogger look like a 3D neon map of the former Yugoslavia. And Bosnia was infringing on Serbia. You teenagers started wearing the platform shoes and the polyester clothes. Now the adults are getting out their old flower power t-shirts and bellbottom jeans. And at this point, the bottoms are a lot bigger than the bells. So before you do or wear anything, take a minute, and think about how your parents are gonna look doing and wearing the same thing. And if nudity ever becomes a teenage trend, we're in for one ugly summer. {goes back inside trailer}

Plot Segment 4
''{Harold enters the lodge while Red writes on the deed, attached to a clipboard. Harold walks up to Red, holding a piece of cable in his hand.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Well, Uncle Red, it seems I owe you an apology.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you always do, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you were absolutely right. They're building a brand-new highway. {laughs} Yep, it's gonna go from Mortonville to Dinkleberg, right up to Mount Walter and {reaches arm out in a waving motion} straight into Port Asbestos! Haw! Therefore, yes, it will be crossing your brand-new property. Whoo! {straightens out cable}

RED GREEN: Why are you talking so weird? You been eatin' a lot of plums, have you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, I'm just saying that you were right. I was wrong. You right; me wrong.

RED GREEN: {gesturing toward cable} What's the hunk of wire you got there?

HAROLD GREEN: Wire? Oh, no, it's cable. This is a stretch of the new highway.

RED GREEN: What? Pardon me?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, our new information highway. Fiber optic cable. Yeah, seems they're going to string it from telephone pole to telephone pole {straightens out cable and holds it out in front of him} all the way into Port Asbestos!

RED GREEN: {puts his hands on his hips} So you're saying the new highway is an information highway, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yes, for your information, Mr. W-w-w-dot-greedy-dot-com!

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
{Red walks into the basement workshop, holding a roll of duct tape.}

RED GREEN: Welcome to the repair shop part of the show we call "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying". {walks up to a worktable where Hap is} Hap Shaughnessy has brought something from his house for me to fix. Right, Hap?

{Hap holds up a framed painting, but the frame is separating and the painting is hanging off the back.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, this picture frame needs repairing, Red. But it's not from the house. It's from the Louvre.

RED GREEN: {taking painting} Oh, yeah? You, uh, you got this hung in your bathroom, do you?

''{Hap stares in frustration and then looks away for a few seconds. He even steps away from the worktable briefly with his hands on his hips before returning.}''

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Not the loo, Red! The Louvre, in Paris!

RED GREEN: Oh, the Louvre! Oh, yeah, it's like an art gallery or museum or something like that.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, you might say that, yeah. {points to painting} Well, I donated this Impressionist painting when I was living on the West Bank there. And this... this week they shipped it back because the frame is falling apart.

RED GREEN: {examines painting closely} What is this now? Is this a Van Gogh or a Monet? {takes another look} A Hap? {incredulously} It's a Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: One of my better ones.

RED GREEN: Yeah. You painted this, did you, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, it's from the Green period.

RED GREEN: {feels painting} Boy, you know, it sure seems like one of those printed posters.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Careful, Red!

RED GREEN: Huh?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: It took hundreds of hours to get the paint to lie flat like that. {Red shakes his head, puts painting down and takes roll of duct tape} Now, about the frame, what about the frame?

RED GREEN: {about to remove some duct tape} Yeah, yeah, I'll fix the frame. Don't worry about the frame.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {panicked} Oh, don't, don't! No! You can't use duct tape!

RED GREEN: {removing a strip} Oh, sure.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: This is priceless!

RED GREEN: No, Hap, you're priceless! {puts duct tape on back of frame so it will stay in place} I'll put the tape on the back. How is that? {sticks duct tape in place securely and holds painting up to Hap} There you go, she's fixed.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {taking painting and looking at it} In the art world, we say "restored".

RED GREEN: Right, right. And you know what? It's as good as new. Or, as you say in the art world, {looks into camera} "fake"! {smiles}

Plot Segment 5
{As Harold tunes his switcher, Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: You know something? This whole highway expropriation project has taught me a very valuable lesson. {puts hands on hips}

HAROLD GREEN: When trying to cheat your friends, make sure you do all your homework?

RED GREEN: No, Harold. The lesson is, life rewards the risk takers.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Yeah, right! {walks up to Red} Haw! You're out four hundred bucks and you own a piece of swamp!

RED GREEN: {scratches nose} Well, you see, Harold, none of that is true.

HAROLD GREEN: Did I miss something?

RED GREEN: Well, you're missing so many things, actually, Harold. You know, for starters, the guy I bought the property from, Fuzzy Norton, he passed away in his sleep during the sermon in church.

HAROLD GREEN: That's terrible!

RED GREEN: Yeah, it's unfortunate, especially for him. {holds up index finger} But, in his will, he left the $400 to the lodge, and the lodge decided to use that money to buy my property.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, really?

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. When was this decided?

RED GREEN: At an emergency meeting with an open bar. I managed to convince everybody the value of owning a bog when so many of us have the old appliances and the cars and so on. I figure that real wet spot will suck down a four-burner stove in less than a minute.

HAROLD GREEN: {impressed} It's a real win/win situation!

RED GREEN: I think so.

HAROLD GREEN: Unless, of course, you're the planet Earth.

{Suddenly, the "Squeal of the Possum" is heard.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's meeting time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. {scratches cheek}

HAROLD GREEN: You want to come down? Maybe you can sell more mistakes to your friends. {giggles; turns to leave}

RED GREEN: Well, no, but your parents might want to give it a try. {Harold stops briefly and looks uncomfortable before going down basement stairs; turns to camera} Uh, didn't have quite the profit margin we'd hoped for on the real estate deal, so we're gonna have to put off the investment into those black velvet paintings of Elvis, but hopefully, {crosses fingers} the price won't go up! {to audience} To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, {waves} keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red heads down the basement stairs. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold is at the front of the meeting, with everyone standing up. Red comes down the stairs.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {seeing Red} Oh, sit down! Sit down! Here he is! Sit down! Take a seat!

{Everyone sits down as Red takes his place at the front of the meeting.}

HAROLD GREEN: All rise.

{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando omni flunkus moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits back down}

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at a clipboard in his hands} Okay, I've got some announcements. Okay, first of all, uh, with the information highway coming into the Possum Lake area, a lot of the lodge members have been asking questions and concerns. So, first of all, no, you cannot catch a computer virus. Uh, second, the World Wide Web is not a tool of Satan or any attempt to impose world government on you. Uh, third, the Internet won't make you sterile. {pauses awkwardly} Okay... And finally, yes, yes, I do know there is offensive material on the Internet. And for for ten dollars, I'll show you how to find it. Okay?