Lodge Visitor/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold:

Okay, everybody, it's showtime.

So smoke 'em if you got 'em,

chew 'em if you have to,

and put your feet up

in the old easy chair,

but don't get too comfortable

because it's time

for "the red green show,"

starring my uncle and my boss,

which is more than coincidence,

unless, of course,

I've missed my guess.

But here he is, the start

of our show, mr. Red green!

Wa-a-a.

Star of our show.

Sorry. I said "start."

[ laughs ]

like that one.

Oh, here he is.

Thank you, and, uh,

welcome to the show.

Keep it moving.

What?

Keep it moving.

I haven't even started yet,

harold.

Well, exactly.

Okay. We had a heck of a day

up at the lodge yesterday.

Uh, a bear come wandering

in here right in broad daylight.

A bear

come right into the lodge.

None of us even noticed.

Uh, of course there was

the smell and everything,

but we thought somebody

just stirred up the pond.

Uncle red,

don't tell that story.

Why not? It happened.

Yeah, well,

just 'cause it happened

doesn't make it

interesting.

Everything that happens

isn't interesting.

Well, hi.

I'm harold green.

I'm uncle red's producer

and director and nephew,

and I make the picture

do this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ laughs ]

neat, eh?

Uncle red, my advice

is that you just drop

this whole bear-story thing,

get right on to the next segment

tout de suite.

We're losing viewers.

Well, that's because

you keep wandering in here

and interrupting the flow.

Oh, yeah. Click, click,

click, click, click.

I hear them changing channels

right now.

You should get on

to the next segment.

I think it's more interesting

than this. This is boring.

This is as bad

as a pbs subscription drive.

That's how bad this is.

The next segment's

interesting, though.

Well, all right.

We'll get back

to the bear story later,

and, uh, I guess we'll just go

to our film clip now.

What is it, anyway?

I don't know.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ I have a little story,

a sad one to tell ♪

♪ a fella

selling sandwiches ♪

♪ more or less accidentally

dropped down the well ♪

♪ on his way down,

he must have kicked the bucket ♪

♪ we asked the neighbors

for help ♪

♪ but they just said

"who cares?" ♪

♪ he spent about an hour

swimming 'round and 'round ♪

♪ that was getting a bit

annoying, and then he drowned ♪

♪ and that's how the salesman,

he found his watery grave ♪

♪ but all's well

that ends well ♪

♪ the sandwiches

were saved ♪

uh, this week

on "handyman corner,"

uh, I thought

I'd take you outdoors

and show you how to build

one of them outdoor

entertainment centers,

vis-à-vis a basketball hoop --

uh, you know,

something that the youngsters

can enjoy playing with

and also the old man

can partake of

when relatives drop over

unexpectedly.

Now, uh...

The first thing

that we're gonna need is a pole.

[ ax thudding ]

[ wood cracking ]

[ clears throat ]

all right.

Now what we want to do

is, uh, we want to dig a hole

for the pole.

Uh, okay. No.

The first thing we want to do

is we want to dig a hole

for the shovel.

Uh, all right.

Uh, if at first

you don't succeed,

switch to power tools.

Uh, okay, now.

This is called a gas-powered

posthole digger,

and the way it works

is the gas goes in here,

and the hole comes out

down there.

Uh, so, I'm just gonna

start her up, and away we go.

[ motor starts ]

[ motor revs ]

okay, uh, we got

our pole up there now.

I guess I could have just used

this tree right where it was,

but, uh, oh, well.

It's here now.

Now we need something to use

as a backboard.

[ banging ]

[ grunts ] okay.

Took this off the back

of stinky's pickup truck,

but, uh, what we'll do

is we'll just let the air

out of the front tires,

and she'll dip,

then nothing will roll.

Fine. All right.

We need, uh, now something

to use for the net.

For the basketball

to go into the net.

[ clanging ]

uh, I think

this'll be perfect.

It's got the hoop in it there.

I found this in the van after

old man sedgwick borrowed it.

He was, uh, dating one

of the daughters of the empire.

Anyway, now we'll attach

the backboard to the pole,

and we'll attach the, uh, hoop

to the backboard

using the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

So, uh, there you have it.

Kind of looks like

the harlot globetrotters,

don't it?

Anyway, uh, until next time,

remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ rip ]

we'll be right back

with more of the show

and the exciting conclusion

to the bear story

right after this.

Exciting conclusion?

Must be a new story

about the bear.

"it is winter.

"a blanket of snow outside.

"you shuffle out

in the morning darkness

"to the row of cars

on the street,

"shovel away the drifts

around the tires,

"sweep the snow

piled on the car,

"scrape the crust of hard ice

from the windows.

Damn it, that's not your car!"

as I was saying, uh,

a bear just came wandering

right into the lodge --

big, ugly, stinky bear

that we all just figured

was moose thompson.

We didn't even notice that

the bear's ears were too small.

Kind of funny that a guy

who looked like a bear

would be named "moose."

indians were a lot better

at naming people than we are.

You know, when they call

a guy "eagle beak,"

you had a pretty good chance

of spotting him in a crowd.

Great story, uncle red.

Go to the next segment.

Well, the story's

not finished, harold.

I think

it pretty much peaked.

And three, two, one.

Cue.

Don't ever let an indian

name you, harold.

Okay.

How you doing, glen?

Hello, red.

How'd you like to take off

and go camping?

I got the rv all washed up,

gassed up, oiled up,

window-washered up,

battery-acid up.

[ laughs ] I even flushed out

the holding tank.

You could eat a casserole

out of there, red.

Well, no thanks, glen.

Not today.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I could shut down

the marina.

I've done it before.

We can just be two vagabonds

on the open road, red.

Well, actually, glen,

I just need you to fix

this outboard motor for me.

Oh, well, uh,

I'm kind of busy, red.

Well, glen, you know,

uh, when you think about it,

you are the only marina

within 100 miles,

and you are

a lodge member,

and you sold me

this outboard motor.

All right, red.

All right.

Just leave it.

I'll take a look at it later.

Oh. Thanks, glen.

Really appreciate it.

Really appreciate it.

Uh, where do you want me

to put it?

Just put it right there.

Right here?

Right there's fine.

Watch the rv.

Yeah. Uh, no problem.

So, do you want me to tell you

what the problem is?

No. I can fix anything, red.

I'll be fine, thanks.

All right.

Uh, can you snap that on

for me?

Yeah.

Can I offer you

a beverage, red?

Got the cooler right there.

I got ginger ale, cream soda.

Even got some root beer

in there.

No, nothing for me.

Thanks.

I'll have a root beer.

You want me

to get it for you?

Well, red, I'm gonna be

looking at your motor.

All right.

Right, right, right.

Just toss her over, red.

It'll save yourself a few steps.

Is that some corn chips?

Can you hum them over, too,

red, please?

Red, can you pop the sprinkler

on top of the rv?

That's how I like

to wash her.

Yeah.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ I've crossed

the mighty desert ♪

♪ I've climbed

the highest peaks ♪

♪ I've hunted in the jungle ♪

♪ I've worn

my brother's breeks ♪

♪ I've seen a lot of life ♪

♪ from the highest

to the dregs ♪

♪ but the greatest danger

I ever faced ♪

♪ was sharing a tent

with a guy ♪

♪ who ate pickled eggs ♪

[ laughs ] hold on to your socks

today, uncle red,

'cause this is so exciting.

The letters,

they have celebrity status

and international overtones.

If I was asked to give a brief

evaluation of today's segment,

that's how

I would describe it.

Well, you won't be,

harold.

Oh. Okay.

But that's how I'd describe it.

If I was asked at a later date,

I would describe it as such,

but I wasn't, so I won't.

Anyway,

here's the first letter.

This is the international one.

"dear 'ocoupant.'"

that's french.

That's "occupant."

oh, yeah.

Okay, well -- well, the

content's still international.

It is so.

Anyway, he goes, um,

"how much would you give

for a world free of war,

fear, hunger, and want?"

280 bucks.

That's fair.

That's more than fair.

That's very fair.

Okay. Next letter.

This is the celebrity one.

Get this. Get this.

It's from ed mcmahon.

You know everybody, uncle red.

That's so great.

Ed mcmahon, you know him.

This is great --

a personalized letter to you.

"dear mr. Green...

You may have already won a

million dollars cash, tax-free."

oh, excellent!

You're a millionaire!

Oh, that's ex-- that is so

fantastic! This is great.

Ed goes on to say,

"would you be interested

in receiving magazines

at a tremendous discount?"

why, harold, uh, I think

you're gonna have to tell ed

that, uh, now

that I'm a millionaire,

I want to pay full price,

so I'm not really interested

in the magazines.

In fact, I might be willing

to go up to, say, 500 bucks

to, uh, put an end

to world fear, hunger, and want.

That is excellent.

That is fantastic.

You millionaires

sure know how to live.

Uncle red, um, now that you

are a millionaire and all,

can I borrow $2?

Well, of course you can,

harold,

but you're gonna have to wait

till ed's check clears.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: So, we tried something

kind of exciting this week.

We thought, uh, bill would show

us how to go scuba diving.

So, he brought all the gear,

and what he wanted to show me

was this fancy watch he's got

with, uh -- shows you your depth

and how much time you got left

in your tank,

and I didn't really want him

to take it off, you know.

He just -- he gets in this --

[ splash ]

and that's why.

Gone.

And then he had the oxygen tank,

wanted to show me.

Ooh!

Okay. So, uh,

we're not going with plan "a."

we're going with plan "b,"

which is snorkeling

rather than scuba diving,

but a lot of the gear

is the same.

The mask

and this little air-hose deal.

First thing, you want to get

a real good seal

between your skin and the mask,

and then, again, just stick

one end in your mouth,

and bill's showing you

the air goes in here,

and he was inhaling

and then got a hand in there,

and I didn't realize

that bill was having a problem

breathing there.

But, uh, I-I-I saved his life,

really.

Aaah!

There we go.

Uh, he's okay.

Now he puts

the big flippers out.

Now, I've never done this

before, so I'm just an amateur.

I just sat down, put them on,

but apparently

there is a technique

where you just step in to them,

like bill's showing you there,

but I guess, you know,

with me not knowing,

I was, uh, kind of making

a fool out of myself.

Uh, I'm not even gonna

worry about that.

You know, bill's the expert.

I never claimed to know

what I'm doing, you know?

And this seemed

unusual to me, um...

But, um, it didn't seem

to bother bill that much, so...

I guess he's just gonna

make a right-hand turn.

Anyway, this is a diving cage,

and this is bill in a wet suit,

which you don't want to see

on a full stomach,

uh, and in he goes.

I think with bill,

he should have maybe

have tightened the mask up

just a bit there.

But he's okay.

So, he decides he's gonna this

time, instead of jumping in,

maybe climb down the ladder,

which is tricky

'cause you got the one --

he only has the one flipper

to worry about,

which is an advantage,

I suppose,

but, also, you should...

Uh, really check how tight

the bolts are, you know.

And he just blew water

right out of his tube

uh, into my face,

which made my day.

Look out, bill.

That's all right.

He thought that was an accident.

Now, that's a diving cage.

Down he goes,

and whatever he finds,

he puts in the cage.

Then he pulls on the rope,

and I haul it up.

That's the idea of it.

He was down there

the better part of --

oh, well, not more than

five hours, I wouldn't think.

Well, maybe.

But then, eventually,

he pulled on the rope,

and, uh,

I started hauling him up,

and he comes up, and, of course,

the first thing he wants to do

is to clear out his tube again,

you know.

Thank you, bill.

It's refreshing,

but scary at the same time.

Anyway, up comes -- up comes --

up comes the cage,

and look what he's got here.

First deal he's got --

his watch.

So, I mean,

I was impressed by it.

And he had

the scuba tank in there,

and there was the ladder,

and he even had the flipper.

Uh, so, it was a great day,

but, uh, he didn't do a lot

for his upper-body strength.

"it is summer,

the ice-cream season.

By late August, everyone

in your family is cone-shaped."

[ laughs ]

uncle red, did you have fun

at grandma green's picnic?

Well, you know me,

harold.

As long as there's a lizard

and a punch bowl,

I can make my own fun.

[ cat yowls ]

I had a horrible time.

I really couldn't stand all

those relatives coming up to me,

saying, "oh, my,

how you've grown.

"oh, my, hasn't

your complexion cleared up."

it makes me want to be even

more obnoxious than they are.

Well, I think that's

within your reach, harold.

Oh, yeah. I know.

I mean, I could

say things mean, too.

I could say things like, "oh,

I haven't grown. You've shrunk."

or, "last time I saw you, your

belly was only half that size,"

or, like, "hey, look!

Hey, grandma's still alive!"

[ laughs ]

I don't want to,

but I will if I have to.

Man: Hey! Watch it!

You know, harold,

there's an old saying --

you can pick your friends

and you can pick your nose...

What's that got to do

with anything?

Took your mind

off the problem, didn't it?

Yeah.

[ splash ]

so, glen, uh, figure out

what was wrong with the motor?

What?

Uh, I don't know, red.

You know, I thought

it might be the carburetor.

Could be.

You should see

the carburetor on the rv.

Got a throat on it

the size of a toilet bowl, red.

Think about that next time

you're gonna buy some gas.

You know, I saw this tube

on the side hanging down here.

I thought maybe that should be

attached to the carburetor.

Could be.

You think I should take it

back to the lodge and try it?

I would. Sure.

Okay.

Well, thanks a lot, glen.

What do I owe you?

Uh, how about a little something

for the rv, red?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that could happen.

We'll be right back

after these messages.

Well, give them more reason.

You know, like they're guests.

Oh, okay.

We'll be right back,

and I'll tell you about the bear

who wandered into the lodge.

He was a guest.

[ thunder crashes ]

"it is spring.

"we walk amongst the flowers,

"bending close to smell

their fragrance,

"pressing our nostrils

to their pistils and stamens.

"how would you like it

if someone stuck their nose

"into your reproductive organs?

Sorry I asked."

[ splash ]

ohhh!

Red: Hey, bob.

Hi, bob.

Oh! Hi, red.

I didn't even

hear you coming,

I'm so caught up

working, you know.

Water-testing

for the ministry.

What's the golf cart for?

My clubs.

Oh, uh,

it's also a cover.

It fools the polluters.

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes

they see you coming,

and they try to clean up

a lake real quickly.

Mm-hmm.

You know,

speaking of which,

we got to get

possum lake restocked,

and I thought, with your job

with the ministry

of resources there

and being a lodge member,

you could get the government

to kind of chip in on that.

Oh. Uh, possum lake's

all fished out, is it?

It's at the point now

where fishing's

just a waste of dynamite.

Well, why don't the guys

play some golf instead?

Well, I don't think the guys

would want to, you know, get --

well, you know,

golf's a real sport.

It's the only sport

that was invented in scotland.

Now, that tells you

something.

Yeah.

Well...

Well, water looks fine.

I-I don't think

the guys --

you know, they'd have to get

golf clubs.

You know,

they don't have any of those.

Oh, well, I've got enough

to outfit everybody.

[ splash ]

bob, but there's like 40 guys

in the lodge, you know.

No problem.

No, but these guys,

well, they're not golfers

at heart, eh -- not like you.

Oh, well, come on.

Red, everyone's a golfer

at heart.

Also do the guys some good

to get out, get some fresh air,

even if it's just

for one game.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Am I in your way here

at all?

No, I don't think so.

I won't hurt you.

Okay.

I've been doing this

for a long time.

Yeah, yeah.

Fore!

Oh, look at that.

Nice shot, nice shot, nice shot.

Yes!

[ laughs ]

oh, oh, oh.

[ splash ]

no!

Oh, boy.

Oh, well,

that doesn't matter.

I've got to check

all the water hazards anyway.

Okay.

So, about

stocking the lake...

You know, you've got to keep

your head down -- head down.

That's the problem,

you know?

Yeah, yeah.

You know,

I can't believe those guys

are not in for a game

of golf, you know?

Get out there.

Get some fresh air.

I just can't believe that.

They don't like to have fun?

Is that it?

Well, no.

You know

what they're like.

They just don't like

joining things, that's all.

What are you talking

about? They joined

the lodge, didn't they?

Besides, with golf,

there's no fish guts

to clean out.

Well,

they really enjoy that.

Well, they don't really know

what they're missing.

No, no.

Fore!

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

[ splash ]

oh!

Okay. All right.

All right.

Ohh!

Bob, take it easy, now.

[ sighs ]

I can't bel--

so, what do you say we get

a little tourney going, huh,

between the guys --

a little tournament?

Well,

I don't think so, uh, bob.

You know, I mean,

they don't have any golf shoes.

I guess they could use

flip-flops,

but they'd have to pay

their green fees,

and then balls and tees.

That's gonna set them back

a fair bit of change there,

you know.

Well, that's cheaper

than paying a private company

to restock the lake

with fish.

Well, you know,

if I put it to them that way,

I think

they may sign up for it.

There you go.

Have our own tournament.

That's right!

The possum open.

And the guys could catch

dew worms while they're golfing.

Well, there you go.

So, what do we say,

Saturday at 6:30?

6:30 in the morning?

Well, sure.

The early bird gets the worm.

The worm gets the fish.

Well, all right.

6:30 it is.

Okay.

See you then, bob.

Looking forward to it.

Yep.

It'll be fun, red!

Yeah.

Yep.

Fore!

[ kerplunk ]

ohhh!

So, anyway, uh, to make

a long story, uh, fairly long,

uh, the bear that wandered

into the lodge

spent a couple of days here

before stinky peterson realized

that it wasn't moose thompson.

It was during a poker game,

'cause the bear was winning.

And, besides, it was getting

honey all over the cards.

But, uh, stinky's still thinking

it was moose, you know,

and he accused him of cheating

by, like, uh, hiding cards

up his sleeve.

So, he gets up,

and when he tries to rip

the fur coat off of moose,

it turned out that he was trying

to rip the hide off the bear,

and that's when we figured out

it was a grizzly,

and that sort of explained

why moose had licked down

nine jars of peanut butter

for supper.

I look up from my cards.

I says, "hey, what's wild?"

and they said, "the bear."

had us going for a while there.

We thought

he was gonna hurt us real bad,

but, uh, luckily, he got a whiff

of old man sedgwick's breath

and hightailed it off

into the woods.

So, anyhow,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

tonight,

and try to leave

the garage door open,

and that way I'll be able to see

if your car's already in there

and then hopefully

avoid it this time.

You know, I only drive

with my headlights off

so I won't wake you.

Anyway, uh, thanks, everybody,

for tuning in,

and until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.