The Tax Refund

Red receives an unexpected yet instantly accepted tax refund. However, Harold has his doubts about the whole thing.

Cast (in order of appearance): Harold Green, Red Green, Bill Smith, Mike Hamar, Buzz Sherwood, Winston Rothschild

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Possum 911, Adventures With Bill, The Experts

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: Rick Green– not Red Green, Rick Green created "The Red Green Show" with me, and he plays Bill on the "Adventures With Bill" part like on our first seven or eight seasons; he was doing that. And the thing with Rick is, he likes to be a little bit odd, a little bit crazy, and then he'll go maybe, I don't know, 100 steps beyond that. And sometimes, when we were doing the Adventures With Bill, he would always do something that was so unbelievable that he was like daring the audience to question his– his part of his joy of working. So in this episode that you're about to see in this show, where he's crushing grapes, try to make his own wine, and there's a scene near the end where his arms are completely flat! Like, to me, it is so obvious that those are little pieces of white cardboard– {covers his mouth as he realizes what he says} Oh, I hope I haven't given it away, but... take a look. If you think that Rick went too far, please e-mail him immediately. And in fact, I'll give... I'll give ya his home number, 'cause I know he'd really like to talk to ya.

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! Ha ha haaa! Remember, folks, {"The Tax Refund" appears} if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck and acts like a duck and is carrying a seized-up chainsaw, you'd better duck, because it's probably your hero, my uncle, Red Green!

''{Red enter the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He holds an envelope.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Very exciting day up here at Possum Lodge. {holds up the envelope} I got this in the mail from the Income Tax Department. I think we're looking at a refund right here, ladies and gentlemen.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! Yeah! Yeah, right, Uncle Red. You have to, like, pay income tax before you can get a refund.

RED GREEN: Not if you got a good accountant, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, no, no, it doesn't matter like that. No, you're wrong. You gotta pay into the system before you get anything back. I think you're confusing the word "filing" with the word "cheating".

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Yeah? I think you're confusing the word "nephew" with the word "who cares?". {to audience} Stick around, folks, I'm gonna share this with you. The news, that is.

Title Sequence
''{The New Red Green Show intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red and Harold, who places the envelope on an upright log in the middle of the lodge while Red swings an axe on the log and the envelope to open it up}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} What you're looking at now is a bunch of segments from this particular show.

{Cut to a shot of Red using a sander to smooth down a tire on a boat trailer and spin it, then vainly tries to cut it with a screwdriver}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} The main message being, "For gosh sakes, don't even thinking about changing the channel."

{Cut to a shot of the Possum Lodge Word Game about to start; Mike is the contestant, and the word is "Address".}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell ya something, if you wanna make sense outta this program,

{Cut to a shot of Winston talking.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...you gotta give it your undivided attention.

Plot Segment 2
''{Harold places the envelope on a log standing upright. Red holds an axe.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, that's good, Harold. ''{Red swings the axe down on the log and the envelope placed on it. The axe wedges in the log and rips the envelope open. Red grabs the envelope.}'' Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at— {he blows on the envelope as he opens it.} Look at what we got here, huh? {he pulls out the contents of the envelope: a check.} There's a refund check! {he waves the check around.} That's a refund check! {he shoves the check in Harold's face.} Look at that, Harold! That's a refund check! Exactly as I predicted right there.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, Uncle Red, you gotta pay into income tax before you can expect a refund.

RED GREEN: Great country, isn't it, Harold, huh, eh? Let's see. {he holds out the check in front of his face.} Let's see how great... Gimme a hand here, Harold. {Harold takes the check from his uncle's hand and holds it out far away from his face.} There we go, there we go, there we go. Eleven dollars and 43 cents. Not bad. Not bad.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, there– that's a fly dropping there. {he flicks it off the check and holds it out again} Try that again.

RED GREEN: {shocked} Eleven hundred and forty-three dollars?!

HAROLD GREEN: What? No, that's— {looks at the check again and is aghast at the amount}

RED GREEN: Oh, man!

HAROLD GREEN: {shouting} WHOA!! THAT'S– Whoa! That's wrong! That's a mistake! That's a mist– That's a mistake!

RED GREEN: {overlapping} No! No, no, no, no! {snatches the check from Harold}

HAROLD GREEN: No, we're phoning the Tax Department, 'cause that's a mistake! We're gonna get this straightened out.

RED GREEN: I'm not phoning anybody, Harold. You know, I'm just thinking now that I... I may have made some comments, you know, about the government, the Tax Department, about some pays due over the past—

HAROLD GREEN: Some comments?! {to audience} They were threats! I heard them! Right!

RED GREEN: Whatever, Harold, but you know, I'll tell you, you take a man who's barely making ends meet and therefore not ever able to generate enough income tax to actually pay the income tax, which is a privilege, you know; that's a privilege.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, we're one of the most privileged countries in the world, so...

RED GREEN: {grinning} Yeah. And you hand that man eleven hundred and forty-three dollars! {he turns and heads for the front door} I'm telling ya, this is a great government we got here, Harold! This is a good deal!

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, now looking in the campfire,
 * tell me what you see.
 * A pile of logs and kindling?
 * The artist formerly known as tree?
 * Or do you see the spirit
 * calling you like a brother?
 * But if that spirit looks like an aerosol can,
 * I suggest you run for cover.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to "The Possum Lodge Word Game"! Where tonight's grand prize is a year's supply of unmarked pharmaceutical from the Crankhouse Pharmacy! Uncle Red! Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Mike Hamar to say this word... {holds up a sign that says "Address"} Address. Address. {in Red's ear, speaking loudly} Go!

{Red winces from Harold's shouting in his ear.}

RED GREEN: All right, uh, Mike, the place you call home.

MIKE HAMAR: The big house?

RED GREEN: Where you live.

MIKE HAMAR: In my car?

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, okay! You gotta park your car somewhere. The place you park it is called...

MIKE HAMAR: The liquor store?

RED GREEN: Let me try&mdash; Let me try another way with this... When you write to your mother, you send the letter to her...

MIKE HAMAR: Case worker?

RED GREEN: Okay, no, I'm talking about her house here, Mike. Picture the front door. This is either beside the door, or maybe above the door, and it's called...

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, the red light?

RED GREEN: No, Mike, this is a number.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, 666.

RED GREEN: Okay, that's called...

MIKE HAMAR: Graffiti. I did it myself. It's for Mother's Day.

RED GREEN: Oh, I know! Remember that time they mentioned your name on the radio?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh.

RED GREEN: On the news, eh? They said, "The cops have arrested Mike Hamar of..."

MIKE HAMAR: {nodding} No fixed address.

{Red rapidly rings the bell while Harold makes cheerful gestures toward Mike.}

Plot Segment 4
{Red enters the Lodge, looking upset.}

RED GREEN: {to Harold} All right, Honest Abe, maybe this'll make you happy. {to audience} I figured, okay, maybe I did make a mistake on that thing, and I'm gonna give my tax refund back, by dividing it up in months of 20 guys who have been to the most lodge meetings in the last five years! Each guy gets 57 dollars.

HAROLD GREEN: What, and you call giving that back?

RED GREEN: These guys aren't savers, Harold, okay? The money'll be back in the economy in a couple of days, and once it's back in the economy, it's only a matter of time 'til the government gets their paws on it! Anyway, if it turns out you're right about this, I won't be the only one going to jail! There'll be 20 other guys that I know there.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I'm sure they already are. {insisting voice} Oh, come on, Uncle Red, just phone the Tax Department! Tell them they made a mistake, all right? You don't even have to give them your name!

RED GREEN: They'll trace the call, Harold! They'll track me down like a dog, they'll probably accidentally say something I'm not supposed to hear, and then they'll have to kill me 'cause I know too much!

{Red walks toward the front door of the Lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: {thinking} Uncle Red knowing too much...

''{Harold laughs. Red hears, then turns and glares at Harold, who looks serious.}''

Explanations

 * In the Word Game, Mike mentions the number 666, which is traditionally referred to as the Number of the Beast.

Famous People

 * The part of Red's song on "the artist formerly known as tree" refers to Prince, who for a time was called "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince".
 * Harold mentions the TV show Baywatch Nights, and one of its guest stars, Pamela Lee Anderson.
 * "Honest Abe" was a nickname for former U.S. President Abraham Lincoln.