Ticket To Fame/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, the worst thing

about apple trees

is the apples.

There's too many of 'em.

Oh, sure, I know,

an apple a day keeps

the doctor away,

but 1,000 apples a day

keeps everybody away.

So what are

you supposed to do

with all the apples

that clutter up your yard?

Oh, I suppose you could wing

about 500 of 'em at your

neighbours' house.

But that's pretty immature.

Plus you end up

with your arm in a sling.

Well, I got a better way.

This here's a jai alai bat.

People in Spain use these

to throw wooden balls

at a 100 miles an hour.

Don't ever get

a spanish guy mad at you.

But instead of wooden balls,

I have granny smiths.

[ red chuckling ]

now, sure, I could scoop

them up by hand

and risk my other arm.

Am I going to do that?

It's "jai alai"

[highly] unlikely.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

No, no.

I appreciate that.

Been kind of a rough week

for the possum van.

I know you're supposed to change

the oil every 3,000 miles,

but I have a problem with

the metric conversion.

I thought 3,000 miles

was 450,000 kilometers.

I got fresh oil now

'cause it came

with the new engine.

Oh, uncle red!

Uncle red!

[ applause ]

my $50,

where's my $50?

What?

My $50!

This I.O.U.

It expires today.

It's your I.O.U.,

so you u.O.I,

50 big ones.

It's not a good week,

harold.

Okay, tell you what,

give me that.

Here you go,

we're fine now.

"I.O.U. $50 by next

Saturday, red."

no!

No, uncle red,

c'mon, please.

I need the money.

I'm going on a

date with bonnie.

Harold, if she charges you,

it's not a date.

Just hand

over the 50.

When do you

need the money?

Are you not

listening at all?

Today! Now!

I know,

but when today?

Well, okay, I'm getting

in the shower at 3:00,

get out at 5:00,

gotta do my hair.

That's gonna be an hour,

and get dressed -- 6:00.

All right, fine,

because at 5:00,

they're drawing the

winning lottery number.

I got two tickets,

but here.

I'll give you one,

I'll keep one for myself,

and at 5:00, harold,

the way my week

is going,

you're gonna probably win

3 million bucks.

You can take bonnie to

your own island in fiji.

A lottery ticket!

You know what

lottery tickets are?

A tax on the stupid.

Do you have any idea,

the vaguest notion at all,

of what the odds are

of me winning $3 million?

Harold, you found a girlfriend,

anything is possible.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives this coupon

for one free night's

accommodation

at possum lake's

hollywood hotel.

Check out our newly renovated

beverly hills cop suite,

featuring the

eddie murphy bed.

All right there, mike,

cover your ears.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get mike hamar to

say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Uh, all right, mike,

this creeps in through

an open window.

Me!

Okay, no, we'll go

a different way.

Let's say you wanna take

money out of somebody

else's account,

you need a bank...

And a gun.

No, okay.

If a writer is just

starting on a script,

he'll say,

this is my first...

Drink.

No, okay, okay,

when you were 18,

this was something

the american army had,

but ours didn't.

Bullets.

Uh, almost

outta time, red.

Uh, okay. Okay.

Okay, mike,

every young athlete

is hoping to get

picked up in the...

Sports bar.

No, no, no,

not picked up by women.

Oh, gay bar.

No, uh --

you know, mike, you're enough

to drive a man to drink.

Oh, okay, well,

I'll have a large draught.

There we go!

Okay, for a while now

we've been doing

a feature with

ed frid

called "talking animals."

uh, but,

apparently, uh --

why aren't we

doin' it anymore?

Uh, medical insurance

costs were getting

prohibitive.

Yeah, right.

So instead

we're gonna do --

what are we gonna do?

Wild beast roundup!

[ sarcastic ]

yeah, wild beast roundup.

Okay, here with me

is ed frid,

local dog catcher

and roadkill remover.

[ applause ]

actually, my official

title is

animal control officer.

Yeah, I know.

I keep forgetting that.

Maybe if ever there was an

animal that you actually

controlled --

do you want

the job, red, huh?

Do you want the job?

No, no, no.

Okay, I didn't

think so.

Okay, boys and girls,

today we're going to

learn all about

animal safety,

because,

as I always say,

animals can smell fear,

but they can

taste fingers.

That's why I always

wear safety gloves.

And running shoes.

Okay, boys and girls,

here it is...

The king of the jungle,

the savage maneater,

[ laughter ]

red:

The furry mitten.

This is leopold the lion.

Um, hi, leopold.

Ed as lion:

Oh, hello there, edward.

Edward?

Oh, yeah, lions always

use your full name.

Uh, leopold, this is

my friend, red.

Ed as leopold:

Oh, hello there, redward.

So you finally

figured out a way

to get on the show

without having

to face a real animal.

Ed as leopold:

What's he talking

about, edward?

Normal voice:

Don't you worry about him.

Here, why don't you read

this letter from a fan?

Here we go.

Just get that...

Into --

lions can read?

Yeah, the talking

ones can.

What are

you doing, ed?

Have you

changed medication?

I just want to teach

the kids a bit about

what it means to be

an animal control officer.

Well, you don't need

a stupid puppet

to do that.

Hey!

Red:

Just stop it.

We might have

some kids out there

who are actually interested

in becoming animal

control officers.

So just talk to them,

straight out.

Don't!

[ applause ]

it's funny sometimes how you

want something until

you get it.

Some of you married guys

know what I'm talking about.

And if you don't,

your wife probably does.

Like maybe you thought you

wanted fancy awnings

and a canopy

on your house,

but after you got 'em

you noticed how they stop

the light from getting in

and how birds nest in 'em.

How maybe it's pretentious

to have a canopy

on a house that

has outdoor plumbing.

So now what do you do?

You can't leave 'em

on the house;

you can't take 'em

back to the store.

I guess you could lie down

and have a good cry.

But I don't watch dr. Phil.

So instead, I'm gonna

use those things

to convert this

totally useless car

into an off-road ready,

homemade jeep.

First thing you wanna do,

take off

all the fenders.

You know, I was hoping

I might get lucky

and the doors would

fall off at the same time.

I should've used a pinto.

Man, those babies are

really rusted on there.

Excuse me, I'm gonna

need a bigger wrench.

[ applause ]

okay, next thing we wanna do

is raise the body

up a little bit.

To do that, gonna use a few of

these scissors jacks.

I don't know why they

call them scissor -- ow!

Okay, just stick these

things between the axles

and the frame,

and you can be like

an oil company...

Jack things up

as high as you want.

Does this say out

of africa to you?

Or out of resources,

or just out of

the loony bin.

But it sure doesn't say

out of imagination.

And it's just that easy to

make your very own,

homemade jeep.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Oh, check this out.

My windshield doesn't

just open and close,

it locks.

[ cheers and applause ]

lost my car keys

last week.

I don't mean misplaced;

I mean lost.

Lost lost.

Like you know in those movies

where teenagers find a door

into another dimension

and they throw in a nerdy kid,

and he never comes out?

Something like that.

Then yesterday I go

looking for the tv remote.

And she's gone.

Again, I'm not talking about

stuck in between the

couch cushions.

I mean vaporized.

I started to wonder

what this was about.

So I talked to

old man sedgwick,

and he said, "been there,

lost that."

well, I thought

about all this stuff,

and eventually

I had no choice

but to accept a simple

yet troubling truth --

you probably already

guessed what it is,

goblins.

Sometime after you

pass the age of 40,

and for no good reason

other than pure spite,

goblins start breakin'

into your house and doing stuff

to make you think

you're goin' nuts.

Like the cup of coffee

on the counter

that magically

drank itself.

Or the cap to the gas tank

that came off on the highway,

even though you

screwed it on tight.

Or the lights

that went off

in spite of the fact that you

almost quite definitely

paid the electric bill.

The good news is

I came up with a solution

to teach the

goblins who's boss.

The bad news is,

I wrote it down

and now can't find it.

And I think we all know

who's to blame for that.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

[ applause ]

if you're getting flushed

because your toilet isn't,

call me.

[ applause ]

well, I wrote down

the winning lottery number,

and I got my

ticket right here,

I don't like

to check right away.

I think it makes

you look greedy.

♪ oh, uncle red ♪

yeah. Yeah.

Wow.

I'm all set for my date.

Where is my $50?

Well, I gave you a

lottery ticket, harold.

I'll give it back to you.

I don't want that.

C'mon, just

give me the $50.

Just a minute,

harold, okay.

I'm about to become a

multi-millionaire.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy!

Oh, boy... Man!

I missed it by

one number!

Yeah, well,

there you go.

Too bad you didn't

buy two tickets, huh?

Exactly.

That's mine!

That's me!

I got the ticket!

I got the ticket!

I got the ticket!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

I got the ticket!

I got the ticket!

I got the ticket!

I got the ticket!

I got the ticket!

[ applause ]

is that right,

what harold just said?

What'd he say?

Imitating harold:

I got the ticket!

I got the ticket!

Yeah. Yeah.

I gave him the

lottery ticket

right next to mine.

And it's a winner.

I mean, harold's

a millionaire.

This is unheard of.

A millionaire nerd

who didn't start an

internet company.

Congratulations,

harold.

Well, thank you.

Now, I know you haven't

decided what to do

with the money,

but when you do,

you come on down

to my store.

I will take

good care of you.

Well, thank you,

dalton.

I don't think I'll

be shopping locally,

but thank you.

You know, I gave you

that ticket to cover my debt,

so really 50 bucks

of it is yours,

and the rest

should really be...

You gave me that ticket,

and possession is 9/10

of the law.

Where is the ticket?

You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

Oh, I got it.

I put it aside

because --

okay, whoever finds

the ticket, though,

there' s a reward.

Wait a second.

You just said possession

is 9/10 of the law.

Whoever finds the ticket

gets the ticket.

[ applause ]

red: Harold asked us to come

down to the used office

furniture place

he had bought a desk and a

chair and a bulletin board

for his little

computer room there.

Walter was backin' up

the possum van

and to me,

the person who's walking

needs to watch

where they're goin'.

There's an example

of that right there.

You know, it's

just a small desk,

but boy, she had

some weight to her.

You know, I wouldn't be

surprised if that unit

was maybe 40 pounds,

you know.

Then I noticed

it had the wheels,

had the casters

on the bottom.

Why don't we just --

I'll use the bulletin

board as a ramp,

and then we can just roll

her up right into the van.

And that makes

a lot more sense.

But, uh -- so walter

started up there,

but he had the heavy end.

So he gets her up there,

but of course what happens is,

it's the law of the lever,

there's a fulcrum effect,

and when you get the

weight over the edge there

she's gonna teeter --

and, uh, well, harold learned

something that day,

eventually.

So I fired the

chair in there,

and we're pretty

much ready to go.

Thanks for

all your help, harold.

And, uh, away we go.

So harold closes her up,

and of course, but the time

he gets up to the front,

walter's listening

to his music.

He's in the

passenger seat.

We're a little

short on seating, harold.

Maybe in the --

just in the back there.

I'm sure there's

a chair there somewhere.

How about the chair

you just bought?

There he is.

He's all set up.

Lookin' good.

You're good, harold, eh?

Okay, so I probably peeled

out a little faster than

I should have.

Then I slowed her down

probably a little faster.

Harold, thanks for

dropping by.

Then I peeled out again --

this time the back door is --

and of course

everything's on casters,

so he's rolling along there

and a stop sign goes by.

And walter notices

that harold's back there.

And harold's

taking a note.

What's he saying?

Stop!!

Oh, yeah, I get it.

Okay, I got you.

But the ramp,

the bulletin board come out,

and then I slowed down,

and of course harold --

okay, thank goodness.

Then he realises the ramp is

right in front of him.

Of course the desk goes up,

and so does harold.

And we come around.

Now, where is he?

Where is he?

He's inside

doin' a donald trump.

I can't be fired.

I just quit.

You know, watching tv

used to be easy.

You just plopped the thing

down on any old cabinet

or crate or empty two-four

and you're done.

But of course these days

you can't just have a tv.

You've gotta have an

"entertainment centre."

that's because now

you've got your cable box,

you home theatre amplifier,

your descrambler,

your dvds, your cds,

your vcrs.

Not to mention all

the I.O.U.S and c.O.D.S

that leave you s.O.L.

My wife wants me

to buy one of those

expensive wall units,

with all doors and drawers

that hide everything away.

But at this point,

I'm lookin' to save

a few bucks.

I call it my

refriger-tainment centre.

It gives cold storage

a whole new meaning.

Step one: Give the unit a nice

woodgrain mahogany finish.

Very nice.

Now, your average tv will fit

nicely into the freezer

compartment.

But hey, that's

just the beginning.

Down here in

the fridge area,

I got plenty of room

for everything.

Vcr, dvd player.

And I don't have to go hunting

for my various remotes.

I keep 'em all

in the dairy compartment.

Now, down below here,

where I usually have

my drinks and snacks,

I have my drinks and snacks.

Hey, if it

ain't broke...

Oh, and another thing,

to really help

clean up the mess,

I put all my movies into

these crisper drawers.

Vhs on the left,

dvd on the right.

Beta in the deep freeze.

[ sniffs ]

boy, something

stinks in here.

Oh.

I was afraid it was

duct tape forever.

[ applause ]

still lookin' for harold's

winning lottery ticket.

Not going too good,

but found a tv remote

and this piece of pizza

from the lodge picnic.

No, I think

that's cherry pie.

Harold:

I found it!

I found it!

I got it,

got it, got it!

Coupon for

preparation h.

I'll take it.

Harold, what were you

doing when you had

the ticket last?

Well, I was standing there

and thinking,

okay, I gotta get

some flowers for bonnie.

And I thought, what kind of

flowers would she like?

She likes flowers.

I know she likes flowers.

You know what's

interesting though,

a lot of people aren't

named after flowers.

I thought

that to myself.

I said, harold,

what about pete rose?

That's true, pete rose

is named after a flower.

Daisy mae is.

You know who else is?

Fred rhododendron.

Your back pocket!

Your back pocket.

Check your back pocket!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

There it is!

You got it?

You got it?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait, wait.

Eight.

Eight.

Two.

Two.

Three.

Three.

Five.

Five.

Six.

Six.

Seven.

Nine.

What? No! No!

Nine.

Oh, harold, you had

the ticket before me,

not the ticket after.

See, this is why

I hate lotteries.

You can't win

a lottery!

But harold, you had the

first six numbers right.

That's worth

50 bucks.

[ applause ]

see, that was

repaying my debt,

so I guess we're even.

Well, that's not fair!

I mean, I don't mind

losing $3 million,

but really need that 50.

All right,

I'll tell you what.

I had the first six

numbers right too.

Here, you take my ticket,

and now we're even.

[ no audio ]

thank you.

Thank you!

That's fine.

No!

[ possum squealing ]

it's meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead,

harold.

I'll be right down.

No!

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And I'm hoping we can

go to bed early tonight.

All day I've been this

close to getting lucky,

why stop now?

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

hurry up and sit down.

Sit down everybody.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

Well, as you may have heard,

harold did not

win the lottery,

but on the plus side,

harold did not win

the lottery.

You know, they say that your

chances of winning a lottery

are less than your chances of

being hit by lightning.

How many of you guys

been hit by lightning?

So this lodge is full

of nothing but winners.

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