The Butter Man/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Butter Man

Opening Scene
''{Red stands in the living room of a house decked out for Christmas, holding a box of ornaments in his hands. Nearby is a bare Christmas tree with a stepladder next to it.}''

RED GREEN: You know, for a kid there's nothing more exciting than trimming the old Christmas tree. But after the holidays have gone by forty or fifty times, it's really hard to get up for it without large quantities of alcohol. {gets up on stepladder, holding box} But as every handyman knows, there are two ways to do anything: the right way and the quick way. {turns the fan blades around and puts an ornament on each one} Man, I am so clever.

''{Red continues to put the ornaments on the fan blades. Wipe to a later scene. Red has gotten down off the stepladder and is standing next to the fan controls on the wall.}''

RED GREEN: And now, quicker than you can say "O Tannenbaum", or ask somebody what the heck it means, you've decked your halls.

''{Red turns on the fan, which starts spinning, its blades throwing the ornaments neatly onto the tree. Red smiles in satisfaction.}''

RED GREEN: Ho, ho, ho. {suddenly reacts in alarm} Oh, oh, oh!

{Red ducks down as the ornaments are thrown at him, smashing against the wall.}

Intro
''{The lodge is decorated for Christmas. Red enters the lodge, holding a roll of duct tape in one hand and a GPS device in the other. He waves to the cheering audience as he walks up to a table with some wrapping paper and several rolls of duct tape on it.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah. Thanks very much. Appreciate that. All the best of the holiday season. Don't burn yourself on your credit card. I'm pretty excited 'cause I got a great Christmas gift for Harold here. Harold's not just hard to buy for. He's hard to want to buy for. {chuckles and holds up GPS device} But he's driving up to his parents' place, and he's so useless on directions that I got him one of these talking navigational systems, eh? I programmed in the destination. Listen to this...

''{Red pushes a button on the GPS. A robotic voice is heard on it.}''

GPS VOICE: Go north on #4 side road 12.7 kilometers...

''{Red pushes the button again, shutting it off, and laughs. He puts the device on the wrapping paper and tears some of it off to wrap.}''

RED GREEN: Isn't that great? I got a real deal on this baby. No box, no warranty, no store. I bought it from Mike. Yeah, the price was right. When the cops went by, he cut that in half. I can't wait to give this to Harold.

{At that moment, Harold runs in, holding a basket full of wrapped presents in his hands.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red! Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, Harold, you know what? I can't wait to give you this gift. {hands Harold the wrapped GPS} Here you go.

HAROLD GREEN: {taking present} Yeah, but it's not Christmas yet.

RED GREEN: I know, but this is something you can start using right now.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay! Okay, okay, okay. {sets basket down, takes another present out and gives it to Red} Well, here's your gift. It's something you can use right away as well.

RED GREEN: {taking present} Oh, great, fantastic!

{Red eagerly unwraps the present, revealing a very thick book.}

RED GREEN: Holy mackerel! {holds up book} Look at the size of the instruction manual.

''{Red then digs around through the torn-up wrapping paper as though looking for something to go with the book. But he becomes disappointed as he realizes that that's all there is to it.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, it's a book.

HAROLD GREEN: But not just any book. Look at the title.

RED GREEN: {pulling book away from himself to read; confused} "The Butter Man"?

HAROLD GREEN: "The Better Man".

RED GREEN: Oh...

HAROLD GREEN: It's to help you create stability in your life.

RED GREEN: Oh, great, great. Great.

{Harold unwraps his present and becomes excited when he sees it's a GPS.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh! Oh!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, lookit! I've wanted one of these for so long! Oh! {points to GPS curiously} What is that?

RED GREEN: Just push the red button, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: The red button?

''{Harold pushes the red button. The GPS voice is heard again.}''

GPS VOICE: Quack!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, that's nice.

RED GREEN: No, no, try it again.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh. {again pushes button}

GPS VOICE: Quack!

RED GREEN: {snatching GPS away} Gimme that.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

{Red pushes the red button, as if trying to make it sound different.}

GPS VOICE: Quack!

''{Harold giggles and applauds. Red repeatedly smacks the button with the "Better Man" book, but it continues to make a quacking sound. Finally giving up, Red puts down the book in frustration and stares at the GPS, trying to figure out what's wrong with it.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to book} You might wanna start with chapter 4...

The Possum Lodge Word Game
MIKE HAMAR: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

''{Mike cheers excitedly while making exaggerated gestures. The camera pulls back to reveal Mike standing behind the card table where Red and Ed Frid are seated. Mike then picks up a gift certificate covered in tinsel.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Today's winner receives this coupon for a free box of tinsel from Tinsel Town, the only store that sells only tinsel all year 'round. Don't forget our tinsel slogan: "How's it hangin'?" Okay, Ed, cover your ears. {Ed does so as Mike puts certificate away} Mr. Green, you've got thirty seconds to get Ed Frid to say this word: {holds up sign displaying the word} "Presents"! "Presents"!

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: {sets sign down} And... Go!

{Ed uncovers his ears.}

RED GREEN: Uh, okay, Ed, you find this under the tree...

ED FRID: Squirrel droppings.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, you find this under the Christmas tree on Christmas morning.

ED FRID: {shakes head in disappointment} Aunt Helen.

RED GREEN: No. Okay, okay, Ed, what do you always get at Christmas?

ED FRID: Oh, hives. {scratches himself}

RED GREEN: Okay, no, um... This is red and green in color and has a bow.

ED FRID: Robin Hood?

RED GREEN: No, uh... Okay, when you go shopping at the mall, what do you get?

ED FRID: Bored.

RED GREEN: Um, Ed, remember a year ago? What was your girlfriend hiding from you?

ED FRID: Her other boyfriends.

MIKE HAMAR: {clears throat and taps watch} We're almost outta time, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Yeah. Okay. Okay. Ed, remember when you were a kid at Christmas? All you wanted to know is, "When are we opening the..."

ED FRID: {terrified} "Cages!" {looks around}

RED GREEN: No, no, I mean you'd come down on Christmas morning, your eyes would be wide open, and you'd say, "Wow! Look at all the..."

ED FRID: {even more terrified} "Rats! From the cages!" And I could really yell! My voice had a lot of presence.

RED GREEN: There we go!

{Red leans forward to ring the bell and end the game while Mike gives Ed the gift certificate.}

Red's Christmas Song
{In the basement, Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * He comes down the chimney on Christmas Eve
 * After we've all gone to bed.
 * He's not all that nice or jolly
 * Until after he's been fed.
 * He's got beady eyes and yellow teeth
 * And his fur drops off when he molts.
 * His tail kinda wiggles and dances and jiggles
 * Like a snake takin' 300 volts!
 * He's Cheesy!

HAROLD GREEN: {singing} Cheesy!

RED GREEN:
 * The Christmas Rat!
 * Long and smelly and pretty darn fat.
 * Cheesy!

HAROLD GREEN: {singing} Cheesy!

RED GREEN:
 * The Christmas Rat!

Dropping a little surprise in your hat.
 * He comes with a gift! You don't have to beg!
 * He's here to give everyone bubonic plague!
 * Cheesy!

HAROLD GREEN: Cheesy!

RED GREEN:
 * The Christmas Rat!
 * And that's why everybody... should have a gun!

RED GREEN: Merry Christmas. {he and Harold nod toward each other}

Handyman Corner
{Red walks along outside the lodge, holding a wrapped present in his hands.}

RED GREEN: You know, Christmas is a time of peace on Earth and good will to men, but nothing wrecks that faster than getting surprised with a crappy gift. Okay, you expect a few crappy gifts. That's what grandparents are for. But it's the surprise that'll kill you. So in keeping with the Christmas spirit. I'm gonna show you how to identify the duds long before you open them. That gives you time to rehearse a big fake smile on the off chance that the gift is from a wealthy relative who senses your disappointment as you hurl it out the window, putting their nose out of joint, and your name outta the will.

''{Red walks up to his worktable. On it are a stethoscope to determine pulse and six sealed beam headlights. Off to the side is a weight scale and some car batteries with jumper cables hooked up to them.}''

RED GREEN: Now, I know you've all tried this one... {shakes present vigorously} Shaking is for amateurs. {sets present down} You're a professional. {puts on stethoscope} We have a gift emergency! Is there a doctor in the house? {puts flat part of stethoscope on present} Big breath and hold. {holds up present and listens for pulse, shaking briefly} Okay, if it doesn't shake at all, it's clothing; big trouble, because nobody ever buys you the right size. Mainly because you lie about your size. Even if it does shake, don't be fooled. {sets present down again} It could be a cardigan with a rock in the pocket. {removes stethoscope} Time to take her to the next level. Now, you wanna check the opaque, translucent transparency quotient of the item. Six sealed beam headlights at close range roughly approximates the intensity of the sun.

''{Red attaches the jumper cables between the headlights and the car batteries. They make a humming sound.}''

RED GREEN: What you're hopin' for is a dark shape in there. If it lets light through, it's a weave, and you know what that means: clothing. {raises index finger} Don't go halfway. Use your high beams.

''{Red pushes a button and the headlights turn on even brighter. He then holds up the present to the lights.}''

RED GREEN: Still don't know? It's time to do something to the gift that you would never do to yourself: weigh it. {turns off headlights and brings out scale} If it weighs a lot for its size, that's a really good sign. Nylon and Dacron aren't heavy. {lifts up present, which is somewhat heavy, and puts it on scale} But if it's got some heft to it, that's gotta be good news, which this gift does. This is getting exciting. {takes a magnet} Now we try the magnet. {sticks it against the present, where it sticks} That's another good sign. Unless it's a pair of pants with a really huge fly. But that's a whole different kind of compliment. {removes magnet} Now we have to test the resistance to compression. {puts present on vise at edge of worktable} See, a sports jacket can be squished into a beret. {starts tightening up vise} But a portable Magellan Roadmate 700? Rock solid. {puts his ear to the present, as if listening for something} What you're listening for is any kind of faint cracking or splintering. If you hear either one of those, you can be sure you've just made the gift very difficult to return.

''{As Red tightens up the present, it starts to crack before glass explodes out the side of the present. Red is startled by the noise. He looks inside the hole that he had made from the explosion and pulls out a memory stick.}''

RED GREEN: Man, it was a laptop! I don't want a laptop. Who would buy me a laptop? {reads tag on present} "To Harold"? {tosses memory stick aside} Boy, that was close.

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older fellas for a minute about your Christmas spirit. Remember when you had some? Back when you were a kid, Christmas was the best time of the year. No school, free stuff, and a fat guy falling down a chimney. What's not to like? But then as you got older, that excitement started to fade, didn't it, eh? You used to love watching It's a Wonderful Life. Then you just got sick of it. Then you started watching it again, except this time you found yourself rootin' for Old Man Potter. Of course, it's no surprise that Christmas gets less exciting for a middle-aged guy. By the end of the day, your wife is cranky from overwork, the tree is dry from underwatering, and the kids are on a sugar buzz that won't let up 'til Groundhog Day. But here's the thing: just 'cause you're stressed out, that's no excuse for ruining everybody else's Christmas. So I want you to focus on the good stuff. Your family loves you, you've been blessed with safety and comfort, and most importantly, when you wake up tomorrow, you'll be as far away from next Christmas as you're gonna get all year. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together.

Segue: Winston Rothschild 1
{Winston stands on top of his sewage truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If something's coming down your chimney, and it ain't Santa, {makes a phone shape with his hand} call me.

{The screen blurs as the following words appear, spoken by Winston offscreen...}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

Dalton's Christmas Message
{Dalton walks into a garage that is all decorated for Christmas.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: I want to say a few words to the yuletide Pollyannas out there. {suddenly holds up hands defensively} Oh, now, don't get me wrong. You know, as a store owner, I'm a big fan of Christmas. {chuckles} I just have a slight problem with all those people who feel that everybody should put on a happy face. {shrugs in confusion} I don't have a happy face. It's not that I'm not happy. {smiles and laughs heartily} I'm coping! {laughs} You know, I didn't smile at my wedding. That didn't mean I was upset. I'm sure at the time marrying Anne-Marie seemed like a fine idea. So don't expect me to get all giddy just because it's– it's Christmas, you know. Those people with their big, phony happy faces are just extremely annoying, you know. And as far as I'm concerned, those carolers, they're just asking for it. So this Christmas, let's all just back off a notch, shall we? {waves} Merry Christmas. {turns to leave}

Plot Segment 2
''{Red is seen tinkering with the GPS device for Harold. A toolbox, some tools, and several rolls of duct tape are on the worktable in the middle of the room he's at.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, I've got Harold's navigational device working like a charm. He must have been pressing the wrong button.

''{Red removes the toolbox and puts it on the floor. It was apparently supporting the table, however, as one of the legs is not level. The table tips down, spilling the tools onto the floor. He holds up the GPS.}''

RED GREEN: Check this out. {pushes button on device}

GPS VOICE: You are approaching Dead Man's Curve.

''{Red pushes the button again, shutting it off and chuckling. Then the door opens and Harold comes in, holding the "Better Man" book for Red. He is quite disgusted}''

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Yep?

HAROLD GREEN: {holds up book to Red} I found your book in the outhouse.

RED GREEN: {taking book} Yeah, I know. I thought that was the perfect spot for it. {opens book and looks inside} Oh, no, you're right. Staples.

HAROLD GREEN: {feeling ashamed of his uncle} You know, I don't think you have the Christmas spirit.

RED GREEN: {offended} I sure do, Harold! I sure do! In fact, I'm offering you the Possum Van to drive up to your parents' place.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, no, thanks. I'm renting a car.

RED GREEN: Yeah, but I'm trying to save you a few dollars here.

HAROLD GREEN: Yes, but I want to get there.

RED GREEN: And you will, Harold, with the navigational wizard. {hands GPS to Harold} Here. {Harold takes it} Press the red button this time.

{Harold presses the red button.}

GPS VOICE: You are a dead man.

{Without saying a word, Harold hands the GPS back to Red and walks off, while Red continues to tinker with it.}

Red's Handyman Tips
''{Red stands in the living room of a house. It is decorated from top to bottom for Christmas, and there's a fire in the fireplace going. The floor is a mess, however. Red throws a wadded-up piece of torn-up wrapping paper on the floor.}''

RED GREEN: Look familiar? My wife hates this mess we always get after we open our Christmas presents. She says that every time she crosses the room, she's got to worry about breaking something I gave her, and then she can't return it. {walks up to a vacuum cleaner, stepping over the mess carefully} Now, sure, I could pick this stuff up by hand and recycle it I guess. But, hey, {taps vacuum} I got a vacuum cleaner for Christmas, not a work ethic. {opens up vacuum and removes bag} Now, you're supposed to put a bag in the canister of the unit, but for this job, we're going to let the bag out of the vac. {puts cover back on vacuum} The only other thing you have to do is, position it a little bit better in your room {moves vacuum closer to fireplace} so that the output is pointing right at the fireplace. {takes vacuum hose} Then laying your fingers upon your new hose just aim at the crap, and up the chimney she goes.

''{Red turns on the vacuum. It sucks up some of the wrapping paper and sends it into the fireplace to burn up.}''

RED GREEN: {loudly over the noise of the vacuum} By the way, this idea's also great for making certain other things disappear. {gestures towards a blue sweater lying on the couch} Like, say, that sweater Harold bought me.

''{Red sucks up the sweater with the vacuum, and it too goes into the fireplace. However, it doesn't burn up.}''

RED GREEN: {disappointed} Acrylic. {shrugs}

Mike's Christmas Message
''{Mike walks into the same garage as Dalton a while ago. He has his arms behind his back.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Christmas is my favorite day of the year. It's a time for renewal and forgiveness, a time for reflection, to think about all the things you've done in your past, you want to go back and change some of them, so you won't get caught next time. But you can't undo the past, so you must learn from it. For example, you can learn that security cameras are often hooked up to more than one machine at the same time. So when you pull the tape out and then you start making faces and making rude gestures at the camera, it's not always a prudent behavioral choice. But mainly, Christmas is about people. It's not about the presents you get and then you offer to give back for a reduced sentence. It's about good friends spending time together in a safe, warm place. And that's what a wish for each and every one of you, to spend the time of Christmas together.

{As Mike speaks, a policeman enters the garage and walks up behind him, arms crossed.}

MIKE HAMAR: It's just like the song says: "For the holidays, you just can't beat home sweet home."

''{Mike spots the cop and nods toward him. The cop nods back.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Merry Christmas.

{Mike turns to leave with the cop, revealing the reason his hands were behind his back: they've been handcuffed together.}

Segue: Winston Rothschild 2
{Winston walks around beside his sewage truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Looking for that last-minute stocking stuffer? How about sewage? {holds up a gift certificate} Introducing a gift certificate for one free pump-out for your favorite loved one! It's the gift that keeps on sucking.

{The screen blurs as the following words appear, spoken by Winston offscreen...}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

Plot Segment 3
{Red is still trying to fix Harold's GPS, but apparently isn't having much luck.}

RED GREEN: Trying to fix the wiring in Harold's navigational unit here. It's a little tricky when you've got no manual, no wiring diagram and no formal training of any kind. But it seems to me a bad connection in the power supply to this circuit board here.

''{Red reaches out to touch the power supply with a wire. The minute he makes contact, however, the GPS explodes in a shower of sparks and smoke, which causes Red to recoil from the shock. At that moment, the front door opens and Harold enters. He looks disgusted with his uncle as he waves away the smoke.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you're easy to find. Where there's smoke, there's Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Uh, Harold, uh, is there anything else you wanted for Christmas?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no! No, that– that's– that's lots. How about yourself? Would you like something other than the book?

RED GREEN: No, no, no. The book is great.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} Really?

RED GREEN: Yeah, oh, yeah. It's brought stability to my life.

''{Red shakes the table slightly, which doesn't move around too much. He looks down. It is revealed that the Better Man book is being used to support the shorter table leg. Red shrugs.}''

HAROLD GREEN: You're welcome, yes.

RED GREEN: I tell you what, Harold. I'm offering to drive up with you to your parents' place, and I'll make sure you get there.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, actually, I'm taking Bonnie with me.

RED GREEN: Oh...

HAROLD GREEN: I want her to meet my parents, you know. And she's good with maps, and she's not bossy, and she smells good. You know, but the best part is that you offered.

RED GREEN: No, the best part is, I don't have to go.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. I'll be right down. All right. All right.

''{Harold runs to the door leading down into the basement. Red turns toward the camera.}''

RED GREEN: If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I don't need any navigational system to find my way; I'm a homer. And I'm hoping to hit a homer. {to camera} And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, have a great Christmas {waves} and keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red waves and walks toward the basement stairs. Wipe to the Lodge Basement. Harold, Dalton, Winston and Mike are all seated at the front of the meeting. Red walks down the stairs and heads toward the front of the meeting. Everyone is standing around.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Sit down.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Have a seat. Sit down.

MIKE HAMAR: Sit down.

DALTON HUMPHREY: There you go.

{Everyone sits down as Red takes his place at the front of the meeting.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {suddenly getting back up} All rise!

{Everyone rises to their feet and puts their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down.

{Everyone sits back down.}

RED GREEN: Bow your heads for the Man's Prayer.

{Everyone bows their heads, except Harold, who makes a praying motion with his hands.}

EVERYONE: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

{Everyone raises their heads again.}

RED GREEN: Okay, men, I want you to enjoy the holiday season, but I'm asking you to use a little restraint. Don't be making a fool of yourself by eating too much or drinking way too much at Christmas. That's what the Super Bowl is for! {stands up, waving} Merry Christmas, guys! Merry Christmas!

{Everyone else also stands up, waving.}

MIKE HAMAR: Merry Christmas, everybody!

{Everyone walks up to shake Red and the others' hands.}