The Baseball Tryouts/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Now, here's the reason

that god made worms slow --

your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

thank you.

Thank you -- appreciate it.

(howling)

(cheering and whistling)

thank you very much.

We got a great show for you.

I gotta warm up

my batting arms.

Tonight is the tryout

for the possum lodge

men's baseball team.

Baseball's a fantastic sport.

It's america's

favourite pastime.

It was, before

"the jerry springer" show.

Harold, it's a game

you can play your whole life.

My hero is babe ruth.

Fat, smoked cigars,

ate like a pig,

drank like a fish,

and hit 50 home runs.

You got four out of five

covered.

(audience laughing)

no, harold, I'm sayin'

if you're a natural,

you can do it for a long time.

I could be

the next cal ripken jr.

Call me "the iron man".

How about the rust bucket?

(audience laughing)

you know,

I find it odd that no one's

invited me to try out.

That surprises

you, harold?

I can throw, I can run --

I should be allowed to try out.

Come on, you can try out

as back-catcher.

I don't have

any pads.

I know.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

Well, there's no joy

in mudville, I can tell you.

Just a

bad-luck day.

You'll do better

next season.

Can't believe

I didn't make the team.

Where did I go wrong?

You were a tad slow

against that fastball.

He was swinging when the other

team was coming off the field.

(laughing)

that was a really good attempt

at a bunt.

That wasn't

a bunt attempt.

I had cramps

from the chili dogs

and I just bent over

to let the pressure off.

When the ball

hit the bat, I bunted

and belched at the same time.

I didn't hear it hit...

The bunt, that is.

It was a close call.

Don't

you think?

Not at all.

Your slide was more of a flop.

I don't think going head-first

is a good idea.

You know, you shouldn't

start sliding

till you're half-way close

to the bag.

I tripped, harold, ok?

You weren't doin' so great

at catching -- I saw you!

Your throws to the pitcher

went into centre field.

Don't worry.

Looks like I'll sit in

the stands with you this year.

Oh, not with me.

I made the team.

What? Pardon me?

They said

they never saw anybody

with a right arm like mine.

They signed me up

as the pitcher.

(audience laughing)

you made the team?

I asked for $5 million

over three years,

with a $200,000 signing,

but, you know...

I settled for

the free shoe laces.

Uh... Well,

uh...

Good, good,

very good.

Uh, excellent.

They've really lowered

their standards

since the league expanded.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

If they lowered them any more,

maybe you would have got on.

(laughing)

(red): We're gonna have

"adventures with bill",

gonna do some go-karting...

Somethin' about men and cars.

I guess I should have

gotten out of the kart.

Bill's got the gas goin'

and I should have gone

with the self-serve.

I'm gettin' soaked, bill.

Gas all over everything.

We're all set to go.

Get the funnel out, bill.

Yeah, might be some gas

in there.

Might want to dry that off.

Don't just start 'er.

Gotta dry that off.

Don't just start it.

Bill, it's not safe.

Oh, it's fine?

(bill): Ahhhhh!

(red): ♪ ezekiel saw

a wheel a-rolling ♪

♪ way in the middle

of the air ♪

♪ ohhhhh ♪

♪ I like to go out

after dark ♪

♪ and fire my gun

just for a lark ♪

♪ it's a hobby most other

folks find strange ♪

♪ but I like

the mysterious thrill I got ♪

♪ never knowing

exactly what I shot ♪

♪ except for that time ♪

♪ I forgot to park my van

out of range ♪

this is for the big one!

Two hours of hydrotherapy

at ernie's car wash!

You have 30 seconds

to get mr. Winston rothschild

to say this word...

Suicide.

And go!

All right, uh...

Depression.

(ringing bell)

depression.

Septic hole.

Mmm... Sad.

Empty septic hole.

If you went down stinky

peterson's outhouse, that's...

... Fifty bucks, plus tip.

(laughing)

what's

that guy's name?

Um... Umm...

Kevorkian.

Self-help.

(laughing)

um, hara kiri.

Chicago cubs.

Not the

announcer.

What announcer?

Flying with buzz sherwood.

Oh, suicide.

(ringing bell)

yes!

(applause)

bet you never thought

you'd see me throwing out

old record albums.

Technology changes -- you gotta

keep up with the times.

I'm switchin' to that new

audio system -- eight-tracks.

I threw out the covers,

not the albums.

This week on "handyman corner",

I'm gonna show you

what you can do

with your old records.

Throwin' anything out

because it's old and won't play

is a dangerous precedent

for anybody over 40.

Instead, I'm gonna show you

how you can turn music records

into olympic records,

and not just for discus.

(glass

breaking)

jefferson airplane

could really fly.

Drill the centre out

and you can use 'em

for lifting weights.

You slide them down

the end of your bar

and, actually,

if you're really out of shape,

you might want to start

with the 45's.

Then you just pick them up.

(grunting)

these are heavy

when they're all together...

Kind of like relatives.

(grunting)

must be some heavy metal

in there.

(grunting)

boy, it's ironic, eh?

The music that made

your parents sick

is gonna make you healthy.

(grunting)

oh, for gosh sakes.

"james last and his orchestra."

boy, we knew how to party.

(grunting)

seems a shame to be

throwin' out good plastic

when you could be using it

to give your car

a second chance

and another 100,000 miles.

I'll tell you,

albums don't rust,

no matter what neil young says.

You want to make sure

you're not burning up

a collector's item.

This could be worth

a fair amount of money.

"pat boone --

shake, shimmy and roll."

no, we're safe.

The best use of albums

is on the roof.

They're thick,

they're waterproof,

they're the same size,

and best of all,

you only need one nail.

Look what I got here.

Ed ames...

Doris day, "easter a-go-go"...

"sounds of rio '68"...

"frampton live"...

Man, there's enough of them

around to re-do a subdivision.

A roof like this is gonna last

more than a few years.

Might even break a record.

When these wear out,

flip 'em to the "b" side.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

"moms and dads"...

"moby grape"...

"the hollyridge strings

do the beatles"...

Wow, the soundtrack

from "love story".

Bernice must have bought

that one.

"accordion favourites"!

That baby deserves

an extra nail.

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

I wanted to ask you guys

about your friends.

Have you noticed how

they're startin' to look old?

I know they're the same age

as you,

but you still have

your youthful vitality, whereas

they've started sagging,

dragging, and saddle-bagging.

(laughing)

now, you're probably wondering

if you should tell them

that they look like

death eating a cracker.

You know, I wouldn't.

Sure, you look terrific

and you have some authority

in that area,

but you'll find that

even your best friends,

confronted with an ugly truth,

can be ungrateful.

They may mention

your grey hair.

It's not as grey as theirs

and when you comb it

over your bald spot,

you look as young as anybody

who combs it

over their bald spot.

Instead, compliment

your friends

on how good they look.

I'm bettin' they'll do

the same thing to you.

Nobody needs to know that

at least one of you is lying...

Especially you.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(applause)

well, harold had

his first baseball game.

Man, that was hard to watch.

♪ na-na, na-na-na-na ♪

♪ hey-y-y-y ♪

♪ good riddance ♪

(audience laughing)

nice game,

harold.

Yeah, I felt comfortable

out there today!

I had the good stuff, huh?

I had real movement

on the fastball

and I was gettin'

the breaking-ball over.

Even when I was behind

in the count... Ahhh!

I never had a no-hitter before.

I never

had one.

Not technically

a no-hitter, harold.

You beaned four guys.

No, no, no, that was

the manager's fault.

He sent me in

without my glasses.

Wasn't easy on me, either.

I wasted five

of my best pitches

throwing to the shortstop.

Well, harold, you know,

I gotta--

you won-- I gotta hand it--

good, that was good.

Well done, that's good.

Nothing wrong with that --

that's good.

(audience laughing)

do you miss

not playing?

Not at all, harold.

I wouldn't have time

to play baseball.

I was out of my mind.

I won't have time to come

to games to even watch.

No, I don't

think so.

Ok, I'll tell the guy

not to make as many hot dogs.

We'll probably get

more families showing up

with you not being there,

using all that trash-talk

and throwing wrappers

on the field.

I can do that anywhere.

True.

Just remember, now.

If anybody calls you

a no-good bum, don't forget...

I told you first.

(laughing)

you can see, in those terms,

why, to women,

movies have to have more

than guys machine-gunning

each other.

Ok, who else would like

to share with the group?

Oh, buzz!

Hi, I'm buzz, and I'm a man.

(all): Hi, buzz!

I think I had

a breakthrough last night.

I was sitting at home,

watching television.

The swamp buggy races were on.

I was mindin' my own business

and she comes home.

I know right away

something's wrong

'cause she's sighing

and she's stomping.

You know,

the stomp-stomp-stomp...

(sighing)

stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp...

(sighing)

so, eventually, I sat up,

I muted the t.V.,

and I said, "what?"

(red): Yeah.

(harold): Very good!

All right!

So then she starts unloading

on me about her family

and her sister's so-called

dancing career, right?

I'm thinkin',

"I gotta book some talent

"'cause we've got

a hockey banquet comin' up!"

(audience laughing)

and then I realized, you know?

While they're talking to you,

you can be thinking

about other stuff!

They don't know!

So she's talkin'

and I'm thinkin',

"I gotta fill those holes

on the plane."

then I played the entire first

side of "led zeppelin 3".

I'm sittin' on the couch

and I'm noddin' my head.

She thinks I'm agreeing

with her but I'm not!

I'm jammin' with jimmy

on "the immigrant song"!

(imitating rock music)

♪ ahhhhhh ♪

(imitating rock music)

hey, hey, hey!

Yeah, yeah, hey, hey!

(laughing and applause)

so she's done

all this talking, right?

She feels better,

and I've figured out

how to re-wire the basement.

I've remembered

where my baseball glove was,

and I named all the bradys.

Bobby -- that's the one

we couldn't remember.

So I can hardly wait

till she wants to talk again.

Then I'll get

my best thinking done!

Thank you.

Thank you, buzz.

(red): Well, hang on

to your testosterone.

Today on "adventures

with bill",

we're going go-karting.

I don't think

you ever outgrow that.

We're making it safer.

We got the truck tires.

We needed a few more tires.

These are smaller

but they'll work fine, bill.

We needed four more.

Where did you get these, bill?

Where did you get these?

Where did you get these tires?

Ohhhh!

Great.

No, that's great.

We thought we'd make it

a race...

Something about us guys

who like competition.

Bill's waving the green flag.

I might as well go.

A little advantage --

what the heck, eh?

He's got the faster kart --

that's only fair.

Your mind goes back

to when you were a kid

on the sidewalk

on your big wheel,

runnin' over small animals.

I'm way ahead, there.

I go into the hairpin turn.

Bill sort of goes

into the hairpin turn

but he turns it

into a bobby-pin turn...

Look at that -- that's not...

Bill, that's not acceptable.

For me, it explained that

we can lift some rules on this.

If I want to go one way,

if I want to knock him

another way,

if I want to do

whatever I have to do...

It's not if you win

or you lose...

It's if you win!

Oh, there you go.

All right,

he's catching up again.

Hey, how about

a little more of the same?

Eh, bill? Huh?

It's not dangerous,

by golly -- these cars

never flip over.

You got those tires,

some nice tires to protect you.

Look out, now, bill.

Be careful, young fella.

By gosh, he's losing control --

what a shame.

I'm doing well now --

hang on, bill!

You're gonna--

you may hit this wall.

Yeah, don't think

I'll see much of him.

Boy, he looks tired.

All right!

If that's how

you want to play...

Up to the finish line.

The race isn't over till

the fat guy waves the flag.

Not yet -- there's your winner!

There's your winner.

That makes you a loser, bill.

Why don't you prove it?

Perfect!

Here's a nifty red green

"bored" game

sent to us by our pal,

chucky morgan.

Thanks, chucky.

Sorry, harold.

It's ok!

You all right?

Good news -- they need you back

on the baseball team!

Really, harold? Really?

You didn't beg them

to get me on?

No... No, not really.

I don't want you begging

on my behalf.

You'll need all your begging

for your own purposes.

No, there was

an injury.

I suggested you and they said,

"he's a natural."

all right, well,

I may have lost a step or two.

If you use me right, eh?

We're gonna!

All right,

designated hitter, maybe?

Nothing like that, but come on!

Your uniform's in the van!

First base?

No! No!

Second base?

Noooo!

Shortstop?

No, no, no!

Right field?

No!

I'm on the field?

Ok, yeah! Ok!

Welcome to the expert portion,

where we examine

those three little words

that men find

so difficult to say.

(audience):

"I don't know!"

♪ ahhhh ♪

joining my uncle red

on the expert portion

is his best friend--

oh, ok -- instead,

it's mr. Arnie dogan!

(applause)

all

righty-roosky!

Today's letter goes as follows.

"dear experts, my mother

is an exotic dancer,

"as is my grandmother

and my aunts.

"there's pressure on me

to become an exotic dancer

"and carry on

the family business.

"I'm not sure I want to --

signed, bob."

(laughing)

all right, uh... Bob.

I haven't seen a picture

of you, nor do I want to.

But, uh...

I would advise you

to abstain from exotic dancing

as hard as you can.

I would advise

you get into folk-dancing

or tap-dancing or...

I'm even thinking

nuclear medicine at this point.

If you don't mind me saying,

I think there's a lot

to be said

for going into

the family business.

My grandpa started

dogan and sons roofing,

and my dad works there

and so do I.

I hope maybe someday,

my son will, too.

I didn't know you had a son.

Not yet -- one day, hopefully.

After the cast comes off,

the doctors will tell me

if I still have a chance

of having children.

Jeez!

More than

I needed to know.

Can't believe this, arnie.

You've had more injuries

than a roller derby rap party.

And, uh...

You're still advising people

to get into a family business.

There's a lot of pluses, red.

By being family,

we share a lot.

You know, uh... Same attitude,

same work habits,

same rare blood type --

that's come in handy.

You get to know the people.

The roofing suppliers,

the tradesmen,

the ambulance drivers...

It's like they all become

part of the family.

You're not one to talk,

uncle red.

You brought me

into the family business.

You on his side or my side?

You know,

you really need a country song

to describe

how you feel.

No, you don't!

I think you do.

Here's one that I wrote

while a team of doctors

were trying to remove

parts of a chinese elm

from my large intestine.

(audience laughing)

why does he

do that?

It will be a high one.

(audience laughing)

♪ my daddy was a roofer ♪

♪ just like his daddy was ♪

♪ and I'm a roofer too ♪

same as my daddy, but taller.

♪ we work all day

together on the roof ♪

♪ roofing all the day ♪

♪ it's hard work ♪

♪ and it doesn't pay

worth a damn ♪

♪ but my daddy could never ♪

♪ fire me ♪

♪ because my mom-m-m-m-m ♪

♪ would kill him ♪

(applause)

I have never been so humiliated

in all my life!

Uncle red, come in

and tell them what you did!

You go ahead, harold.

You wrap up the show.

No, I don't think so!

Come out and tell them

what you did!

(laughing and cheering)

tell 'em.

(applause and cheering)

tell them what you did!

I don't feel like it.

You want me to tell them?

All right, well...

Being the mascot

was the last thing on my mind

so I didn't start off

in a great mood.

I get you on the team

and this is the thanks I get.

The other mascot started it.

You heard what he called you?

You call me that!

I'm family, all right?

I was defending

the team's honour.

I didn't realize it was

a papier mache head.

Think of the message

you're sending

to those young fans out there.

A giant bear and a parrot,

leg-wrestling

at the pitcher's mound!

It was the players' idea

to join in!

Well, it doesn't matter

because the season's over.

Not until doctors remove the

baseball from buster hadfield.

No, I mean me --

it's all over, anyway.

It's all violence

and animals fighting...

I got scared --

I don't want to play.

If it means anything,

as far as I'm concerned,

you're a real babe ruth.

Awwww!

Thank you.

I mean the chocolate bar,

harold.

You're soft and gooey

and half-nuts.

(possum squeal)

meeting time.

(laughing)

you go ahead, harold --

I'll be down in a minute.

(laughing)

if my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home

after the meeting.

I'm thinking maybe it's time

for me to put away my cleats...

And your pyjamas.

Hey, I'm not giving up

all contact sports!

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and old harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(red): All right.

(harold): All rise!

All rise!

(red): All right.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down --

harold, you got, uh...

(harold): The branigan

food drive went well.

They say thanks

for the supplies.

Although they realize

their kids are brats,

they didn't think

the paint chips and salsa

was a good idea.

To join

possum lodge

oro get

ssum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!