The Tax Refund/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Tax Refund

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! Ha ha haaa! Remember, folks, {"The Tax Refund" appears} if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck and quacks like a duck and is carrying a seized-up chainsaw, you'd better duck, because it's probably your hero, my uncle, Red Green!

''{Red enters the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He holds an envelope.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Very exciting day up here at Possum Lodge. {holds up the envelope} I got this in the mail from the Income Tax Department. I think we're looking at a refund right here, ladies and gentlemen.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! Yeah! Yeah, right, Uncle Red. You have to, like, pay income tax before you can get a refund.

RED GREEN: Not if you got a good accountant, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, no, no, it doesn't matter like that. No, you're wrong. You gotta pay into the system before you get anything back. I think you're confusing the word "filing" with the word "cheating".

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Yeah? I think you're confusing the word "nephew" with the word "who cares?". {to audience} Stick around, folks, I'm gonna share this with you. The news, that is.

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red and Harold, who places the envelope on an upright log in the middle of the lodge while Red swings an axe on the log and the envelope to open it up.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} What you're looking at now is a bunch of segments from this particular show.

{Cut to a shot of Red using a sander to smooth down a tire on a boat trailer and spin it, then vainly tries to cut it with a screwdriver.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} The main message being, "For gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel."

{Cut to a shot of the Possum Lodge Word Game about to start; Mike is the contestant, and the word is "Address".}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell ya something, if you wanna make sense outta this program...

{Cut to a shot of Winston talking.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...you gotta give it your undivided attention.

Plot Segment 2
''{Harold places the envelope on a log standing upright. Red holds an axe.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, that's good, Harold.

''{Red swings the axe down and cuts the envelope open, wedging the axe into the log. He grabs the envelope.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at— {blows in the envelope to open it} Look at what we got here, huh? {pulls a check out of the envelope} There's a refund check! {waves the check around excitedly} That's a refund check! {shoves the check in Harold's face} Look at that, Harold! That's a refund check! Exactly as I predicted right there.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, Uncle Red, you gotta pay into income tax before you can expect a refund.

RED GREEN: Great country, isn't it, Harold, huh, eh? Let's see. {holds out the check at arm's length and squints at it} Let's see how great... Gimme a hand here, Harold.

{Harold takes the check and holds it out far away from Red's face.}

RED GREEN: There we go, there we go, there we go. Eleven dollars and 43 cents. Not bad. Not bad.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, there– that's a fly dropping there. {flicks something off the check and holds it out again} Try that again.

RED GREEN: {suddenly surprised} Eleven hundred and forty-three dollars?!

HAROLD GREEN: {shocked} What?! No, that's— {looks at check again}

RED GREEN: Oh, man!

HAROLD GREEN: {shouting over Red} WHOA!! THAT'S– Whoa! That's wrong! That's a mistake! That's a mist– That's a mistake!

RED GREEN: {overlapping} No! No, no, no, no! {snatches check from Harold}

HAROLD GREEN: No, we're phoning the Tax Department, 'cause that's a mistake! We're gonna get this straightened out.

RED GREEN: I'm not phoning anybody, Harold. You know, I'm just thinking now that I... I may have made some comments, you know, about the government, the Tax Department, about some pays due over the past—

HAROLD GREEN: Some comments?! {to camera} They were threats! I heard them! Right!

RED GREEN: Whatever, Harold, but you know, I'll tell you, you take a man who's barely making ends meet and therefore not ever able to generate enough income tax to actually pay the income tax, which is a privilege, you know; that's a privilege.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, we're one of the most privileged countries in the world, so...

RED GREEN: {grinning} Yeah. And you hand that man 1143 dollars! {turns and heads for the front door} I'm telling ya, this is a great government we got here, Harold! This is a good deal!

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, now looking in the campfire,
 * Tell me what you see.
 * A pile of logs and kindling?
 * The artist formerly known as tree?
 * Or do you see the spirit
 * Calling you like a brother?
 * But if that spirit looks like an aerosol can,
 * I suggest you run for cover.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to "The Possum Lodge Word Game"! Where tonight's grand prize is a year's supply of unmarked pharmaceuticals from the Crankhouse Pharmacy! {walks over to the card table where Red and Mike sit} Uncle Red! Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Mike Hamar to say this word... {holds up a sign that says "Address"} Address. Address. {in Red's ear, speaking loudly} Go!

{Red winces from Harold's shouting in his ear.}

RED GREEN: All right, uh, Mike, the place you call home.

MIKE HAMAR: The big house.

RED GREEN: Where you live.

MIKE HAMAR: In my car.

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, okay! You gotta park your car somewhere. The place you park it is called...

MIKE HAMAR: The liquor store.

RED GREEN: Let me try— Let me try another way with this... When you write to your mother, you send the letter to her...

MIKE HAMAR: Case worker.

RED GREEN: Okay, no, I'm talking about her house here, Mike. Picture the front door. This is either beside the door or maybe above the door, and it's called...

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, the red light.

RED GREEN: No, Mike, this is a number.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, 666.

RED GREEN: Okay, that's called...

MIKE HAMAR: Graffiti. I did it myself. It's for Mother's Day.

RED GREEN: Oh, I know! Remember that time they mentioned your name on the radio?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh.

RED GREEN: On the news, eh? They said, "The cops have arrested Mike Hamar of..."

MIKE HAMAR: {nodding} No fixed address.

{Red rapidly rings the bell while Harold makes cheerful gestures toward Mike.}

Handyman Corner
{Red walks out in front of the "Handyman Corner" sign.}

RED GREEN: You know, science has put a man on the moon, cured a bunch of diseases, and even defined the origin of the universe. But as yet, they have failed to solve the ultimate mystery: how to make a half-decent amphibious car. So today, on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna solve the question that has plagued mankind since... well, the late '50s, I guess. {shows off a boat on a trailer} See, anybody who's made an amphibious car has failed because they started with a car and tried to make it seaworthy. I'm gonna start with a boat and make it roadworthy. {climbs into the boat} I got this boat here. She already floats. Got a motor on her. All I need to make it into a car is a set of wheels. Wait a minute. The boat already has a set of wheels. {shows off the trailer} On the trailer! All I gotta do now is hook up the motor so that it'll drive the wheels. Sounds hard, right?

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is placing the boat's outboard motor on the side of the boat, above the trailer's wheel.}''

RED GREEN: Wrong! All you need is one more outboard motor so you got one for each side. {squats down beside the motor's propeller} Then all you do is remove the propeller. {examines the propeller} Caught a pin on here. {effortlessly removes the propeller} No, no. 'Course, you gotta remember now, outboard motors are water-cool, so we're gonna compensate for that by going really, really fast. Now all's you gotta do is, remount this so that this shaft rubs up against the tire, and you let friction do the rest.

''{Wipe to a later scene. The outboard motor is now positioned so that the shaft is rubbing against the tire. The outboard motor is attached to the boat with duct tape. Red pulls on the motor starter. The motor emits a big puff of smoke as it starts up.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. Now just drop her into gear...

{Red throws the motor into gear, only to see the shaft impale the tire, causing it to go flat.}

RED GREEN: Okay, I'm thinking belt drive.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is pumping the flat tire. He is then standing next to the boat trailer.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, for making the belt, I suggest something strong, flexible and waterproof: {holds up a roll of duct tape} the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has made a belt out of duct tape that runs between the shaft of the outboard motor and the tire.}''

RED GREEN: And... just lay that in there. Boy, that wouldn't be any more snug if I'd actually taken the time to measure it. {climbs into the boat} All right, let's give her a try. Just start up the motor.

{Red starts up the motor, only for the shaft to effortlessly tangle up the duct tape belt.}

RED GREEN: {over the motor's noise} All right, I did that to show you what happens when you don't cut a groove in the tire to hold the belt in. {stops the motor} You weren't thinking, were you?

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is trying to cut the tire with a hammer and chisel.}''

RED GREEN: You wanna be careful of this, 'cause rubber doesn't grow on trees. Well, all right, yeah, it does, but... just be careful when it does; be careful.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is now smoothing out the tire with a belt sander. He then vainly tries to cut it with a screwdriver. Then Red places another duct tape belt onto the tire and motor shaft where there is supposedly a groove cut in it now.}''

RED GREEN: All right, there's our groove done. We got our belt in it. You know, they say necessity is the mother of invention. Don't know who the father is. Probably remorse.

{Red shows off the other side of the boat, where another outboard motor is placed exactly as the other side.}

RED GREEN: All right, now I've done the same thing on the other side. Got another outboard motor over there, got the groove in the tire and our belt on there. {gets into the boat} 'Course, I kept the original outboard motor on the back. She's got the prop on her and that's how we're gonna– that's how we're gonna drive our boat. Now, the way we steer this thing is the same way they steer the bulldozers and tanks, by speeding up one side or the other. So if you want her to turn left, {observing right-side motor} you speed up this motor. If you want her to turn right, {observing left-side motor} you speed up this motor. Keep 'em both going the same speed, you're going straight ahead. And the beauty of this is if you want to make a real sharp corner, just fire one of them into reverse! And here's something to think about: the boat floats, but the trailer doesn't, so you have to attach one to the other.

{The boat and trailer are attached together with lots of duct tape.}

RED GREEN: Spend a little extra and make her solid. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Let's go drivin' in our amphibious car!

''{Red starts up the right-side motor and it activates. The amphibious car moves in a leftward direction. Red next tries to start up the left-side motor, but it won't activate.}''

RED GREEN: C'mon, baby! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I may get seasick on dry land!

Commercial bumper
''{Red and Harold are listening to someone on Possum 911. Harold makes agitated running motions.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we got lots more of it.

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you guys about something that's going to happen to your wife that'll have a tremendous effect on you. You know, a woman gets into those middle years, and she has this brief, biological urge to have just the one-more child. I don't know why. Maybe it's because her babies are grown, or maybe she sees a younger woman expecting. Or maybe she realizes that once the kids move out, she'll only have you. But believe me, parenthood at your age is not a good idea. As you're slipping into your second childhood, you don't need somebody around you just starting their first. You don't want somebody else in the house who goes to the bathroom more often than you do. So here's what you do, okay? Borrow a baby just for the weekend. Find some new parents and babysit. You know, give them a little break. I'll tell ya, by the time you hit the 1 AM feeding, your wife will be having second thoughts. And then the 3 AM colic fits, she'll be asking you to phone the parents. And by the 4 AM diaper change, she'll be praying for hot flashes! So just let nature take its course. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the Lodge, holding a wad of money.}

RED GREEN: Yeah, it's all here. {chuckles; to Harold} Ya ever seen 1143 dollars in one place before, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yep. On Baywatch Nights. {Red hangs his head in annoyance} Yeah, they had these, like, they had these drug dealers, right? They were illegal drug dealers, you know? Not like pharmacists or something like that, these were illegal drug dealers, right? And they had these big illegal drug deals, they had all this money, right? And then they thought, "Well, let's go for a swim," you know, 'cause they're all hot. They got hair all over their faces, guys like that. So they go for a swim, and luckily, they had their Speedos under their drug dealer clothes, right? So they go out in the water, but they left the money in a bag between two cabana chairs up on the beach, when they're out there swimming. {mimics gasping} "Someone stole the money!" {mimics screaming} Right? So they're freaking out when they come back in, and they're blaming everybody, particularly the lifeguard, and... who else but Pamela Lee Anderson gets blamed, right? Ha-ha-ha! They wanted to frisk her and everything! Well, you can tell by the bathing suit she had on she didn't have lumps she wasn't supposed to have, right, y'know? The lumps she did have, though, were worth a lot more than eleven hundred dollars, though. Yeah!

RED GREEN: {dryly} Why do I ask? Anyway, I got the check made out here totally in cash. That way, it's untraceable and completely liquid. I've actually used part of it to buy something that was completely liquid.

HAROLD GREEN: No, actually, Uncle Red, this is dishonest. I don't know how I feel about it, but you're an honest person. You've always been honest with me.

RED GREEN: No, I– No, this isn't dishonest, Harold. The government sent me a check and I cashed it! End of story.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha-ha! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Middle of story, only end of happy part. The government finds their mistake; government nails Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: All right, Harold, uh, what would you do if you were me?

HAROLD GREEN: I would phone the Tax Department, inform them of their mistake, and then I'd return the money.

{Pause}

RED GREEN: So glad you're not me. {turns to leave}

HAROLD GREEN: Ditto!

Possum 911
''{The Possum 911 siren wails. Red and Harold hurries over to the switchboard where it is. Harold puts on a phone headband and turns the siren off and the intercom on.}''

HAROLD GREEN: 911! How can we help you?

''{A dog is heard growling over the phone line. Red and Harold both look alarmed.}''

HAROLD GREEN: What is that?!

RED GREEN: That's a– That's a bear! That's a rabid bear! That's a rabid bear in heat!

HAROLD GREEN: Sounds like a wolf with a wedgie! What is that?!

RED GREEN: Man, Harold! I don't know, but I'm glad I'm not in the room with that darn thing!

HAROLD GREEN: Well, somebody's gotta be in there! How else did they make the call?

RED GREEN: Oh, boy! Houston, we have a problem! All right, we gotta calm the dog down, Harold. We gotta talk to it! Talk to it!

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. Well, we gotta find out the dog's name. What should we name a dog? It's sounds like...

RED GREEN: Uh, Killer! Killer!

{The dog keeps growling.}

HAROLD GREEN: Terminator! Term...

RED GREEN: Uh, Deadbeat! Force!

HAROLD GREEN: Merv! Clark! Fluffy! Fluffy, Fluffy, Fluffy! Fluffy!

RED GREEN: Fluffy?!

HAROLD GREEN: It could be Fluffy. It's the '90s! You don't know this dog. I mean, it sounds so familiar! I know this sound! I can picture myself hearing it! I'm running down the street and I'm running and I'm running! {makes running motions with his arms and legs} Call after, dog! Mr. Winslow! It's the Winslow dog, Jason!

RED GREEN: Jason! Jason! Jason! Jason.

{The dog is heard no longer growling and instead whimpers and pants.}

RED GREEN: Ah, good boy. Calm down. Good dog, good dog. Nice dog.

HAROLD GREEN: You can say that now; wait till he's chasing you someday.

RED GREEN: Uh, Mr. Winslow? Mrs. Winslow? Anybody there? Hello? Hello?

CALLER WHO SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE BUZZ SHERWOOD: H-hello? Oh, thank you! Thank you, guys!

RED GREEN: All right.

CALLER: The dog was stopping me from taking out the television set!

RED GREEN: Oh, boy.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, that's okay, Mr. Winslow.

RED GREEN: Well, why were you taking out the TV set?

CALLER: 'Cause I'm not Mr. Winslow!

{Red looks into the camera with a suspicious look on his face.}

Commercial bumper: Fan contributions
{A framed plaque displaying the Possum Lodge oath ("Quando omni flunkus moritadia"), written in an Old English font, is displayed.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's something sent to us by a viewer. It's the Possum Lodge oath, all done in Old English and beautifully framed.

Plot Segment 4
{Red enters the Lodge, looking upset.}

RED GREEN: {to Harold} All right, Honest Abe, maybe this'll make you happy. {to audience} I figured, okay, maybe I did make a mistake on that thing, and I'm gonna give my tax refund back, by dividing it up in months of twenty guys who have been to the most lodge meetings in the last five years! Each guy gets 57 dollars.

HAROLD GREEN: What, and you call giving that back?

RED GREEN: These guys aren't savers, Harold, okay? The money'll be back in the economy in a couple of days, and once it's back in the economy, it's only a matter of time 'til the government gets their paws on it. Anyway, if it turns out you're right about this, I won't be the only one going to jail! There'll be twenty other guys that I know there.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I'm sure they already are. {insistingly} Oh, come on, Uncle Red, just phone the Tax Department! Tell them they made a mistake, all right? You don't even have to give them your name!

RED GREEN: They'll trace the call, Harold! They'll track me down like a dog, they'll probably accidentally say something I'm not supposed to hear, and then they'll have to kill me 'cause I know too much!

{Red starts walking toward the door.}

HAROLD GREEN: {thoughtfully} Uncle Red knowing too much... {starts laughing at the camera}

''{Red turns and glares at Harold. Harold attempts to look serious.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Nothin'.

The Experts
HAROLD GREEN: And now it's that part of the program where we focus on the three little words that men find so difficult to say... {turns to the audience}

HAROLD GREEN, AUDIENCE: {in unison} I DON'T KNOW!

{Harold is revealed to be seated at a table with Red and Winston Rothschild.}

HAROLD GREEN: Ha-ha! Okay, excellent! All right, now, to join my Uncle Red in the Experts portion of the show, is his best friend and the president of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, Mr. Winston Rothschild! {shows off Winston} Uh, this week's letter comes from a lady in Cincinnati, Ohio! Hoo-hoo-ha-ha! {reads letter} "Dear Experts, I have been trying to start my own car rental business, and it's been a disaster! I only rented one car last year and the guy never brought it back. So technically, I guess that's car theft! What can I do to save my business? Signed, The Number Two Car Rental Company. We're not number two, but we feel like it."

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Well, your problem here is clear, it's market position, okay? I mean, well, you gotta be first, and you gotta be best. If you can't be best, you better be first, because if you can't be first, it's not gonna be enough to be best.

RED GREEN: Now, is that true also in romance? 'Cause these days, it's awfully hard to be first.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {chuckling} Yeah.

{Harold chuckles.}

RED GREEN: Harold's havin' trouble just gettin' in line!

{Harold gets offended and glares at them.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: See, this lady in Cincinnati, she was not the first to get into the car rental business, so she should've picked a different business to get into. You know, something a little more... unique, you know? I personally would lean towards sewage.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it might be a little difficult. Cincinnati's a big city and, you know, maybe it doesn't run on septic tanks.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Well, you know, that's too bad, 'cause it's a gross business, you know? But when you think about it, it's the last thing people stop doing.

Plot Segment 5
{Red enters the Lodge, holding a small wad of cash.}

RED GREEN: Well, it's all done. Twenty guys shared in my income tax refund. The reaction was pretty consistent: big, big smile and then the creeping realization that now they owed me big time.

HAROLD GREEN: {smiling} Uncle Red, I phoned the Tax Department.

RED GREEN: Pardon me, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: That's good news! It's good news! It's okay, it's good, good news. Get this, you're gonna love this.

RED GREEN: All right.

HAROLD GREEN: It's so good. It's great. Over the years... Over the past few years... It's so good, you're gonna love it... Over the years, right, you've exceeded the maximum limit to your personal medical expenses, right? So now you're entitled to a rebate of 1143 dollars! Ha ha ha! Isn't that great?

RED GREEN: Are you telling me my tax refund was okay, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no! No, no, no, no, no.

RED GREEN: All right.

HAROLD GREEN: It's not a refund, it's a rebate. The money was all yours. Yeah, it was all yours, that's not a problem, but the way they phrase things up there, eh? Woohoo! Those guys... {Red looks stunned} Those guys...

RED GREEN: Harold? Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: What?

RED GREEN: You made me give my refund away to all the guys!

HAROLD GREEN: No! No, no, no, no, no, no...

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Yes! Yes!

HAROLD GREEN: {insulted} No, I did not! No! You chose to do that! I suggested that we phone the Tax Department and get this whole thing straightened out, but oh, no, you chose to give the money away. I would never choose to do such a thing. Personally, I would say that's stupid.

RED GREEN: {choking up} Harold, you know how sometimes people need time alone?

HAROLD GREEN: {putting his arm on Red's shoulder} Yes, Uncle Red, I understand you need some time alone.

RED GREEN: No, no, not me, not me. You need time alone. Away from me, it's important. {pause} Now, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, yes, all right, point taken. Yes, I understood. I'm receiving what you sending, and I'm gonna–

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's the meeting, so... I'll just meet you down at the meeting. {heads toward the basement}

RED GREEN: No, no, you'll be in your room, I think.

HAROLD GREEN: {leaving the Lodge} You know what? I'll be in my room. That's where I'll go. That's better for me to be away.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: In my room.

RED GREEN: {to the camera; choking up} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and, uh, I'm not really gonna hurt Harold, but as you always say, it's the thought that counts. And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching... and on behalf of myself... and Harold... and everybody here... keep your... stick on the ice... {nervously waves and heads for the stairs}

''{Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Red gets up the front of the room.}''

RED GREEN: All right, take your seat now, everybody. I got no Harold here. Everybody stand up. Harold's gone, he's not coming to the meeting.

{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {the men sit down, except for Red, who remains standing} Now, you've probably heard the commotion over at the park today. We're having a game of sunfish baseball. Those of you who don't know what that is, it's just like baseball except that you use a sunfish. And, uh, they've now had an official ruling on that big hit by Moose Thompson has been ruled as a homer, a grounder, and a foul ball...

{Cut to the show information, showing the phone number and website URL of www.redgreen.com.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} To join Possum Lodge or to get yourself some Possum Lodge merchandise, call 1-800-YPOSSUM. Or if you're a techno-geek, check out Harold's home page on the Internet.