Wind-Powered Boat

Red and his pals construct a boat that runs on wind power, using a windmill instead of a sail.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, Handyman Corner, Red's Poetry, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Male Call, Adventures With Bill, Red and Harold On Life

DVD: Red Green Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 1

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold clinks two spoons together}

RED GREEN:


 * Strongman Jack was a hell of a man.
 * If anyone can lift something, Strongman can.
 * I remember one day, just for a prank,
 * Jack tried to lift the holding tank.
 * He strained and he pulled with all his might.
 * Then there was a loud pop and his spleen coming out one of his body orifices and it damn near killed the guy.

Handyman Corner
''{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. Red is standing in front of a red car with the Possum Van behind it, holding a screwdriver in one hand.}''

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna show ya how to change a headlight. Now, I know, I know what you're saying, that everyone knows how to. Well, they don't, 'cause a lot of people don't know how to change a headlight. It's something you can do yourself, and not only do you save money, but it gives you a feeling of self-reliance, 'cause, y'know, you can't trust anyone. {turning to the car} Now, this here is Bill Smith's car, and he told me he's got a headlight burned out, and so I thought I'd just, you know, kinda do him a favor and change the headlight. I might charge him five bucks, y'know?

{Red tries to stick the screwdriver in behind the left headlight socket, but it doesn't go in very far.}

RED GREEN: Ah, so... Now, I'm not... The screwdriver's not big enough. {puts the screwdriver down and picks up a long, flat tool} Uh, screwdrivers on these– Uh, I should say, the screws on these are way back in there. {tries to push the tool back behind the headlight} But you know, who the heck designs these things? Probably mechanics. {pulls the tool back out} I can't see if the screw is a flathead, or a Robertson or, uh... I can't see what kind it is. So, uh...

{Red puts the tool down and picks up a crowbar.}

RED GREEN: Okay, we'll just try another method here. {places the crowbar on one edge of the headlight} I think this'll just– I think this'll just pop right off here. {tries to pry the headlight out, to no avail} It's dug in there! {places the bar on the other side} Maybe the other side. {pries on the headlight, shattering it in the process} Ah. All right, all right, um... {puts down the crowbar and picks up a bent coat hanger} What we're gonna do now is, uh... Some wiring, I guess, is catching in there. We'll just use the, uh... This is a special tool that I keep in my closet.

{Red sticks the wire into the socket behind the headlight, then starts pulling it back out.}

RED GREEN: This is some metal or something back here. {pulls out a length of wire} Oh, let's see here... {picks up a pair of wire clippers} All right, you know, I think the wiring is the thing that's messin' this up, so we'll just clip that outta there. {clips the wires} Y'know, these new cars, they got so much wiring on there, y'know, it's just that, the more things go wrong. You know, it was just occurring to me, I think, this is one of these modern cars. This is the type where the hood– the headlight comes out from behind, like from the back. So what you need to do is open the hood.

{Red opens the door of the car and gets in, then turns the car's accessories on.}

RED GREEN: Uh, try this...

{Red pulls a lever, and the car rolls backwards off its stands and smashes into the Possum Van.}

RED GREEN: Uh, that's not it.

{Red pulls another lever, and the hood unlocks.}

RED GREEN: All right.

''{Red gets out the car, closing the door behind him as he goes. He returns to the headlight.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, now, I think things will go a little better now. {tries to open the hood, but it won't budge} Oh, for God sake! {picks up the crowbar and attempts to pry the hood open} Oh, safety! {reaches under the front of the hood and unlatches it, then lifts it up} Yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay. {props the hood up with its rod and sniffs at the engine compartment} All right, yeah, I can– I can get her out from the inside here, but I'm gonna– I'm gonna have to take a few things out {the message "Stay Tuned" appears on the screen momentarily} to get at her there. {picks up a tool and reaches into the hood}

Red's Poetry: Summer 1
{Red is seen sitting on a bench on a hot summer day.}

RED GREEN: It is summer. You run down the beach and embrace the surf. The ocean responds with a huge wave that removes your trunks. It's your first brush with summer love. And crayfish.

Handyman Corner 2
''{Red is on the car's engine. He pulls out the car battery.}''

RED GREEN: All right, get that out of the way.

''{He drops the battery on the ground and then climbs down off the car. He then reaches into the engine and pulls out the windshield washer.}''

RED GREEN: Windshield washer.

''{He takes a sledgehammer and uses it to repeatedly bang against the engine. He then pulls out the radiator.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, as long as we remember what order the stuff comes out, we'll be fine. {he looks inside the engine} Nope, still can't get her. Hmm.

''{Red clears his throat and walks offscreen momentarily. He returns holding a buzzsaw.}''

RED GREEN: Now, you know the saying we got at the Lodge: "If at first you don't succeed, switch to power tools."

''{He activates the saw and it cuts through around the headlight socket. Wipe to a later scene. Red finishes cutting and picks up the crowbar.}''

RED GREEN: I'll tell ya something, I'll charge Bill ten bucks. {he pries the headlight socket area with it and it moves} She's comin'! She's comin'! She's comin'! She's comin'! Yep, she's comin'! She's comin'! Oh, yeah. Almost got her there! Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's comin', she's comin'. All right. No problem.

{Red finally repeatedly pounds the headlight socket area with the crowbar until it's finally sunk into the car bumper, totally smashed and exposing the plug.}

RED GREEN: All right, what we've done here is, we've freed up the plug. So I'll just get the replacement bulb... {he takes out a replacement bulb and attaches it} ...pop that in... {he attaches the bulb firmly in place} We're all set. Okay, let's give that a try and see how it looks.

''{Red turns on the headlights. The replacement bulb lights up, but the other one doesn't. Red gets out and looks at the new bulb.}''

RED GREEN: Perfect. {he now looks at the other bulb, which was the real one burned out} Oh... Oh, I guess– I guess this was the burned-out headlight. Well, it won't take as long now, 'cause we know how to do it. I'll charge Bill, I think, two or 300 bucks for this. Anyway, until next time, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

{Red takes the crowbar and starts pounding on the other headlight socket area.}

Red's Poetry: Summer 2
{Red is seen sitting on a bench on a hot summer day.}

RED GREEN: It is summer. You've eaten so many salads, you're tuning into a rabbit. It was your wife's idea.

Commercial bumper
{Red and Harold stand in the Lodge, looking directly into the camera.}

RED GREEN: We'll be right back with, uh, lots more.

HAROLD GREEN: And the more the merrier. They say that sometimes about things when there's more of it.

Red's Poetry: Summer 3
{Red is seen sitting on a bench on a hot summer day.}

RED GREEN: It is summer. In the shade of an apple tree, you relax with a mint julep or nine. Summer is no time for stress. You casually forget your aunt's birthday. She thanks you.