Celebrity/Transcript

The complete transcript for Celebrity

Intro
''{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! Haw! The television show that dares to ask, "Is there anything else on TV?" {giggles} And now, here he is, your host by choice, my uncle by birth, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

''{The front door of the lodge opens and Red enters, holding a ticket. Harold dances and grooves in place.}''

RED GREEN: All right, thank you. Boy, oh, boy! Welcome to Possum Lodge. Big, big, big, big, big week up at the lodge this week, I tell you. The kind of thing that happens maybe twice in a lifetime. {to Harold} Harold, do you think I should tell them, or do you think I should sort of build the suspense, like they do on those big cheesy network shows, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, no, no! You tell them now! Tell them right now! Tell them now, 'cause this is big, this is huge! This is big and huge! I don't think we could sit on this much longer!

RED GREEN: Harold, I don't think you should sit on anything right now.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red, laughing} Can I give them a clue? Let me give them a clue.

RED GREEN: All right, go ahead.

HAROLD GREEN: {to audience} Okay, I'm going to give you a clue: Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Sandra Bullock!

RED GREEN: {confused} What are you talking about, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: I'm talking about a big movie star buying a cottage right here at Possum Lake! What are you talking about?

RED GREEN: Bruno's butcher shop!

HAROLD GREEN: What?

RED GREEN: He's got a new bacon slicer. Yeah, his old bacon slicer got pregnant and moved to Port Asbestos. So, uh, Bruno has replaced her with an automated unit, {holds up ticket, which has the number "1" on it} and I'm determined to get the number-one side of bacon when I go up there.

HAROLD GREEN: What about Tom Hanks and Tom Cruise and Sandra Bullock?

RED GREEN: Well, they might be number one at the box office, but they're gonna be number two at Bruno's.

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to the Lodge Meeting about to take place.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here are a few scenes from this week's show, and...

{Cut to Red covering a police car in black electrical tape and white adhesive tape, creating stripes on it like a zebra.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...these are all fresh goodies. But none of this stuff...

''{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game about to start. Mike is the contestant, and the word is "Baby".}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...has ever been seen before on television. And you know, I'm guessing there's probably...

''{Cut to Ranger Gord at a meeting of Men Anonymous. He holds his arms out to everyone, asking for a hug, but everyone in the meeting runs away.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...a pretty good reason for that.

Plot Segment 2
{As Harold grooves in place, Red enters the lodge, holding a package of sliced bacon in his hand.}

RED GREEN: Well, for once, publicity and hype was not just exaggeration. Bruno's bacon slicer is incredible. {to Harold} You know what, Harold? It also shaves ham. Yeah, we can buy shaved ham now, which is good 'cause the ham that Bruno was selling had hair on it.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red? Uncle Red, nobody really cares, y'know, about a bacon slicer.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah? Well, how come everybody and their cousin is up there in the butcher shop?

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} They're not there for the bacon slicer. That's the overflow from the real estate agency next door. Yeah, nobody cares about how well you can slice bacon or shave ham.

RED GREEN: Really?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah!

RED GREEN: What a world!

HAROLD GREEN: It's been fantastic, a movie star right up here! You know what happened is... You know that, uh, cottage that Kevin Black built up on Bluff's Point?

RED GREEN: Yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: {singsong voice} A Hollywood star bought it...!

RED GREEN: Hollywood?! Like– Like, Hollywood?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, as in "Frederick's of..."!

RED GREEN: Wow!

HAROLD GREEN: It's fantastic, a Hollywood star right here in Possum Lake! And the rumor is, it's like Tom Hanks or Tom Cruise or Sandra Bullock!

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, come on, relax. They're just people, okay? Movie stars are no different than anybody else. I don't know why everybody has to treat them special. Like, if Sandra Bullock comes up to you on the street, what would you do, Harold?

{Suddenly, Harold freaks out and goes rigid, stammering.}

HAROLD GREEN: Well... {stammers} Girl meets boy. And, uh... Uh... She– And she– You know? {makes a female body shape with his hands while laughing nervously}

RED GREEN: See? That's good. You'd just be yourself.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by tapping two spoons on a metal pot.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, she worked at the local library,
 * So we had never met.
 * But I was out walking, it started to rain,
 * And I'd rather be bored than wet.
 * So I ducked inside the library door
 * And saw her stamping some books.
 * My decimals all got "Dewey"
 * When she gave me that literary look.
 * Oh, I pretended I liked reading books
 * As I asked her to the dance.
 * She classified me as "fiction"
 * And then later that moved to "romance".
 * You can't judge a book by its cover.
 * That librarian had me astounded.
 * She had both brains and beauty,
 * Not just well-read, but well-rounded.
 * Love is hard to read,
 * And librarians are often fickle.
 * I returned her home ten minutes late,
 * And she had the nerve to fine me a nickel!

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game, and we're playing for a very special prize tonight!

{Harold laughs as he walks up to the card table, where Red and Mike Hamar are sitting.}

HAROLD GREEN: Can you say "million dollar amethyst"? {Mike reacts in surprise} Well, now you'll be able to spell it, too, {holds up a dictionary} with this brand-new dictionary from Staples n' Such. {Red and Mike react in disappointment, Red waving dismissively} Uncle Red? Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Mike Hamar, {Mike covers his eyes as well as his ears} today's contestant, to say this word... {takes word sign and holds it up} "Baby". "Baby".

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

{Harold sets the sign down on the table and Mike uncovers his eyes and ears.}

HAROLD GREEN: Thirty seconds... Go!

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, when a woman is pregnant, she's expecting her...

MIKE HAMAR: Social worker?

RED GREEN: Okay. No, no. Okay, she's a mother. She has a...

MIKE HAMAR: Problem.

RED GREEN: Come on. Okay, finish this song, okay? "Yes, sir, that's my..."

MIKE HAMAR: "...story."

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, okay, okay. When a person is very young, they talk, then they walk; they're a...

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, a stoolie!

RED GREEN: No. No, okay. Think a little person, cries in the night. You go over to comfort them, bring them a bottle, huh?

MIKE HAMR: {sweetly} My cellmate.

HAROLD GREEN: Almost out of time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Okay, okay. When you were young, you were...

MIKE HAMAR: Shooting craps.

RED GREEN: {suddenly excited} Yeah, yeah, yeah! And what did you yell?

MIKE HAMAR: "Come on, baby!"

RED GREEN: There we go!

{Red rapidly rings the bell on the table to end the game, and Harold gives Mike the dictionary.}

Handyman Corner
''{Outside the lodge, a police car drives up to the Handyman Corner sign and stops there. The door opens, revealing Red in the driver's seat. The door knocks the sign over as Red gets out, wearing a coat. He laughs as he taps the car.}''

RED GREEN: Isn't she a beauty? {walks around in front of car} You know, there's only two things that come into your life once: true love and {raps on hood with his fist} a good used police car. Oh, sure she might have 700,000 miles on her, but it's all highway... {walks around to other side of police car} high-speed car chases, and so you've got no carbon buildup in there. Unfortunately, now, there are some people who don't see the value in owning a secondhand car full of bullet holes. They just don't appreciate the history, the excitement, {leans inside police car, whose window is open and takes a whiff} the odor of the backseat. {removes a black plastic bag from coat pocket} So today on Handyman Corner, I thought I'd show you how to turn your police car into something your family actually doesn't mind riding around in. We'll start by cleaning the inside out a little bit.

''{Red opens the door, and a bunch of trash spills out of the car onto the ground. Red bends down to put the trash in the black plastic bag. Wipe to a later scene. Red finishes filling up the bag of trash. The car is now clean.}''

RED GREEN: There, that's got most of it. By golly, there were a fair number of coffee cups and doughnut boxes in there, I'll tell ya.

''{Red tosses the bag of trash aside. It lands on a huge pile of other full trash bags, all from the police car.}''

RED GREEN: You know, this is going to be such a thrill for the lodge members. Not so much riding in a police car, but being in the front seat for a change. {walks around to other side of car} Now, there is one downside here: the law requires these guys got to take the siren off there and chuck that away. But they leave the wiring on there. So what you need is to get yourself a speaker. {bends down and picks up a speaker} Maybe you got one of these in your attic or {puts it on car roof} get one at a yard sale, or maybe go down to your local watering hole and pork one when the band is on their break. {takes a roll of duct tape} And you want to attach the speaker to the roof rack, using the handyman secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Red starts to move the speaker into position. Wipe to a later scene. Red has attached the speaker to the wiring in the car and then duct-taped it to the roof.}''

RED GREEN: All right, once you get the speaker wired up, you can really start to have some fun. {speaks into car microphone} Hey, jerk, pull over! Get out of the vehicle! Spread 'em! No, not those. {laughs} All right, sing something Irish! {holds up index finger} But, you know, for the big fun, you've got to get yourself a siren. {picks up a doll sitting in car} See what this is here? This is one of these little dolls, and when you squeeze it, it cries. You'll have to go out and buy one of these. If you already have one, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

''{He holds the microphone up to the doll and squeezes it. It makes a crying sound like a baby, made louder by the microphone.}''

RED GREEN: See how that works? See, that'll whip you through traffic, eh? That could be a real lifesaver when you realize that chocolate bar was actually a laxative. {chuckles} And you know what you can do, is you can actually wedge the doll {doll stops crying} and the microphone under the gas pedal, and then when you floor it, the siren will go on automatically! {walks around to trunk} There are a few other features you get with a cop car. For example, in the trunk there, you've got the gun rack.

''{Red opens the trunk lid, revealing the gun rack. However, instead of guns, the rack is adorned with gardening tools.}''

RED GREEN: What a great place to carry all of your garden tools. {takes out a roll of police tape from trunk} Then if you get some of this police tape, it's super, you know, for marking off your picnic area. And you can play that great party game where everybody lies down and you draw around them with chalk. {takes out some body bags} Then if you're lucky enough to get yourself a couple of body bags, make great ponchos for the kids!

{Red closes the trunk and walks around to the back seat of the police car.}

RED GREEN: And speaking of kids, this unit is ideal for families because {opens door} with the built-in divider there, they can't get at ya! {looks at inside of door, which has no handle or window winder} And see how on the inside of the back door there, there's no door handle, there's no window winder, so she's extra safe. {gets inside car} And you don't have to worry about the kids doing damage back here. This back seat has seen five years of felons, and they can jump around all they want!

''{Red laughs and jumps up and down in his seat. Suddenly, however, the door slams shut, trapping Red inside. He reacts in alarm.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, boy...!

''{Red looks out the window and hits it a few times with his shoulder. He then repeatedly pounds on it with his fist. Wipe to a later scene. Shards of broken glass lie on the ground. Red is now outside the car again, his right hand heavily bandaged. The window has been shattered. Evidently, he had successfully broken through the glass with his fist and crawled out through the broken window. He holds up a roll of white adhesive tape in his unhurt left hand and a roll of black electrical tape in his bandaged right hand.}''

RED GREEN: Now, you know what people say to me? What do you do about the weird paint job? And I always say... {looks toward the black-and-white of the car} Nothing, looks fine to me. {walks up to front of car} But if you happen to be a whiner, you can change the design real cheap {holds up both rolls of tape} with a roll of white adhesive tape and black electrical tape.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has covered the whole car in the rolls of adhesive and electrical tapes, making something of a black-and-white-striped design.}''

RED GREEN: Is it a Mustang? Is it a Colt? {looks at car's new design} Nope, it's a Zebra! And with all of these stripes on here, you look more like a convict than a cop, which lets your friends know you're still one of them. {chuckles as he gets into driver's seat} So, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, {turns on engine} they should at least find you handy. You know, I'm feeling hungry, and I think it's an emergency!

''{Red puts the striped police car in drive and floors it out of the area, the crying doll, placed under the gas pedal, acting as the wailing siren. The car passes by the Possum Lodge as it leaves.}''

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older fellas out there. You know who you are. Eh? You guys who used to make split decisions about buying or selling, hiring or firing. Now it takes you ten minutes to figure out whether to pay by cash or credit card. {chuckles} Don't worry, you're not losing your mind. This sudden inability to make decisions is actually kind of a safety mechanism. 'Cause, see, your mind doesn't want to make commitments that your body can't keep. When you were 21 and your body said, "Race you to the corner," you wouldn't hesitate. Now your mind forces you to, so you don't have to be picking up pieces of your hamstring on the way back. So if you find yourself at the hardware store well into the second hour of deciding whether to buy an electric lawn mower or a gas unit, hey, let your son make the choice. It's only fair, he's the one that will be pushing it! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
''{Harold is seen talking on the phone. He laughs.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah! And if it is Sandra Bullock who bought that property up there, I was just going to go up and see if she needs a personal masseuse. Yeah. Or maybe– Maybe you know, just a guy to stare at her. I could do that.

{The front door opens and Red enters excitedly.}

RED GREEN: Harold, Harold! I found out who bought the big cottage! You're not going to believe it!

HAROLD GREEN: {on phone} Oh, hold on! Hold on! My uncle found out who bought the big cottage! Hold on, hold on!

RED GREEN: Yeah!

HAROLD GREEN: {to Red} Was it Sandra Bullock?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no. Think "really, really famous".

HAROLD GREEN: Um, uh, Sharon Stone? {Red makes a waving motion} Oh, all the Spice Girls?!

RED GREEN: No...

HAROLD GREEN: Madonna?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no. Harold, think "not a woman".

HAROLD GREEN: RuPaul?

RED GREEN: No. A great actor...

HAROLD GREEN: Tom Hanks? Tom Cruise!

RED GREEN: No, no, no, somebody I think is a great actor.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Tom Arnold.

RED GREEN: {exasperated} No!

HAROLD GREEN: {desperately} Flipper! Flipper?! Yosemite Sam?!?

RED GREEN: Stop! I'll tell you who it is.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

RED GREEN: Werner Klemperer. {points to floor} Werner Klemperer right here, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow!

RED GREEN: Yep.

HAROLD GREEN: {talking on phone again} It's Werner Klemperer! Werner Klemperer bought a cottage right here! I don't know, I'll ask him! {to Red} Who is he?

RED GREEN: {somewhat annoyed} Well, Harold, you know, Colonel Klink. You know... {shakes finger} "Hogan! Nobody escapes from Stalag 13!" Boy, the guys are gonna go nuts! Werner Klemperer right here. I've gotta go tell them. This is the biggest thing since Hugh Beaumont went fishing in Mercury Creek. {turns to leave}

Plot Segment 4
''{As Harold tunes his switcher, Red enters the lodge, wearing several cameras on his neck. He holds another one in his hand.}''

RED GREEN: All right, it's started! Colonel Klink has been– Sorry, Werner Klemperer has been spotted up at his new property there. You see, all the guys are up there hiding in the bushes. Got the binoculars, the telescopes there. Junior Singleton, now, he said Colonel Klink looks exactly the same as he did on Hogan's Heroes, except he's a lot older and doesn't have the Nazi uniform on.

HAROLD GREEN: {walks up to Red} You know, Uncle Red, I don't think he wants to be disturbed, you know? I mean, he's got "no trespassing" signs and big high fences and electrical alarm system and guard dogs.

RED GREEN: Harold, he just wants the place to look like Stalag 13, so everybody will know where he lives, that's all. You want to come up with us?

HAROLD GREEN: No! Anybody who got in one TV series long before I was born is no celebrity to me.

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, he might have some friends that you like, you know. Like, maybe Bruce Willis might be up there or Clint Eastwood, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger.

HAROLD GREEN: Or Sandra Bullock?

RED GREEN: {shrugs} Sure.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, I'm coming!

{Harold removes his switcher and then grabs a stack of papers.}

HAROLD GREEN: Hang on... Okay, I'm ready, I'm ready!

RED GREEN: {seeing stack of papers in Harold's hands} Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! He's not gonna autograph all that many pieces of paper.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Autograph?! Haw! No! You're so naive, you're like the naivest of the naive! ''Haw! {points to papers}'' No, this is my screenplay. I'm going to show it to him.

{Red takes the screenplay and looks at the front page in confusion.}

RED GREEN: Harold in Bikiniland?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah.

{Red rolls his head in annoyance as he hands the screenplay back to Harold, who flips through the pages.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's a romantic comedy. Could be my big break.

RED GREEN: Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: Sandra Bullock's, too.

{Red groans and turns to leave.}

Red's Teen Talk
''{Red stands outside the lodge, wearing a yellow slicker. He briefly peeks at the camera through a piece of pipe.}''

RED GREEN: I want to talk to you younger viewers who are still in your teens and still have a chance to save your life. You hear a lot of kids today saying they want to be famous. Now, I'm not a career counselor or anything, {takes a handsaw} but that sounds like a goal that's dangerously vague. {nods} There's a guy who is famous now, even got his picture in the Guinness Book of World Records, because he weighs over a thousand pounds. I'm guessing, when he was fifteen and said, "Someday I'm going to be famous," he wasn't picturing himself spread over a couch with a chin the size of a pillow. Actually, most people that are famous are truly infamous, eh? You look down through the famous people in history, you got a lot of dictators and despots in there. And even the well-known athletes now are usually famous for some scandal involving steroids or fists or lingerie. {leans in close to camera} I tell you something, fame is not an honorable goal. You gotta aim a little higher. {looks around and speaks softly} Go for the money. {nods}

Men Anonymous
''{The Men Anonymous meeting is about to start. Harold stands up at the podium at the head of the meeting. Red is on his left side, Dougie Franklin on his right. The Men Anonymous sign descends down behind them.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to this week's installment of Men Anonymous. {everyone applauds as Red waves} Great! As usual... As usual, at this time, I'd like to invite my Uncle Red up here to lead us all in the Men Anonymous pledge. Uncle Red?

{Harold steps aside as Red takes his place at the podium.}

EVERYONE EXCEPT HAROLD: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

''{Red steps away from the podium. Harold returns to his position there.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, um... To start us off this week, I have an old friend that hasn't been at the lodge in seventeen years! Haw!

{Harold steps away from the podium as Gord takes his place there.}

RANGER GORD: Hi, everybody, my name is Ranger Gord–

HAROLD GREEN: {stepping up, interrupting} Wait! Ho! Hey! No^ndash; No last names.

{Harold steps back again as Gord stares in awkward silence briefly.}

RANGER GORD: Hi, everybody, my name is Ranger. As you know, I've spent the last eighteen years up at Fire Watchtower 13, looking out for fires. Until, of course, I ate the tower. During that time, I did something that I'm... very ashamed of, especially during my last few years. You see, being up there alone for as long as I've been, without any visitors... {abruptly turns to Red} Well, except, of course, for you, Red. {Red waves} I do thank you for that. It was great. I mean, they were really, really helpful. {laughs, then inhales} But let's be honest, Red. You're not a woman. You're not. You never were, and that's nobody's fault. The thing is, when I was up there, I made a vow to be true to my dream girl, Julie Kotter, Gabe Kotter's wife from Welcome Back, Kotter, the hit TV show. Oh, I wanted to be her sweat hog, I tell you. I mean, she was my dream girl, you know. {grins suggestively} Anyway, one night, and I'm– I'm not very proud of this. One night, I had a dream about... Marcia Brady. And then night after night, it was "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" And then I get back here... I get back here, and I see that Marcia Brady is incredibly famous and Julie Kotter is gone! She's gone, not even doing dinner theatre! {starts tearing up} And naturally, I blame myself because I dreamt about Marcia, not just Julie. {crying} I can't help thinking it's all my fault! I ruined Julie's life!

RED GREEN: {running up to the podium} Uh, let's show a little bit of support, guys.

''{Red applauds, then everyone else joins in applauding. Touched, Gord walks out toward the audience with his hands out, presumably to hug them.}''

RANGER GORD: {tearing up} I love you guys!

{Everyone suddenly runs away as Gord has his hands out.}

Plot Segment 5
{Red and Harold enter the lodge, Red looking disappointed.}

RED GREEN: Well, Possum Lake is no longer Hollywood North. Werner Klemperer is gone.

HAROLD GREEN: {imitating Col. Klink} Hogan! No one escapes from Possum Lake. {giggles; normal} How was that? {Red nods and smiles} How was that? {as Col. Klink} Hogan! Hogan!

RED GREEN: I know, I know. I guess there's just not enough excitement up here for a big star, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Excitement? Well, that's what he came up here for, is to get away from the excitement. You guys ruined it for him.

RED GREEN: Oh, how did we ruin it?

HAROLD GREEN: By asking for his autograph.

RED GREEN: Well, big stars are used to–

HAROLD GREEN: When he was in the shower. Asking him how come he didn't do any good work after Hogan's Heroes. "Are you really a Nazi in real life?" Everybody stealing bits of chrome off his car for souvenirs.

RED GREEN: Harold, we were just trying to show him that he was one of us. I even said that to him: "You're one of us."

HAROLD GREEN: That hurt him deeply. You could see that.

RED GREEN: {pointing at Harold} You know, you're the one who made him angry, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to himself} Me?!

RED GREEN: You asked him if he knew Sandra Bullock, or if he could get you a date with her, y'know? {Harold giggles} Or with anyone.

{Suddenly, the "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's meeting time, Uncle Red. I'm going to go and tell the guys that Werner Klemperer has left.

RED GREEN: All right.

HAROLD GREEN: Unless– Unless you want to do it.

RED GREEN: {as Sgt. Schulz} I know nothing!

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I know, but do you want to tell the guys?

RED GREEN: {gesturing toward basement stairs} Just go!

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. {heads for basement stairs}

RED GREEN: {looking into camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'm gonna bring you some sliced bacon, but if you're looking for some shaved ham, I'm sorry, the beard stays! {to audience} For the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, {waves} you keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red heads down the basement stairs. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold is at the front of the meeting, speaking inaudibly, with everyone standing up. Red comes down the stairs.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {seeing Red} Okay, everybody sit down, everybody sit down!

{Everyone sits down as Red takes his place at the front of the meeting.}

HAROLD GREEN: All rise.

{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando omni flunkus moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits back down}

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at clipboard} Okay. We've got some announcements, all right. This is the first announcement: Tyler and Tyler Insurance Brokers want to remind everyone that due to the extensive fire damage, they will not be able to handle all of your insurance needs until they find a new location and somebody to insure it. That's Tyler and Tyler Insurance, and their new slogan is, "Hey, it can happen."