The Beer Project/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Beer Project

Intro
{Red stands fishing by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: If you do an anthropological study of civilizations through history, you'll find that men historically have five basic needs: food, shelter, clothing, sex, and alcoholic beverages. {the title "The Beer Project" is displayed} And sometimes, those last two are reversed. Alcohol is very ceremonial, for toasting at dinner parties, for communion at church, they even drink booze at treaty signings. And when you see the kind of mess the world is in, it's pretty obvious that alcohol is involved somewhere in the negotiations. It just seems that whenever you get men together, you get fermentation. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Buzz looking at a piece of paper while Red stands nearby.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} On today's show...

''{Cut to Red swinging a pickax at a refrigerator. He hits the door of the freezer, where the pickax sticks.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...we're gonna show you how to brew your own beer.

{Cut to Dougie standing in a corner of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We got Dougie Franklin driving his monster truck around.

{Cut to Dalton, smiling and waving.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We get up close and personal with Dalton Humphrey...

''{Cut to Bill, wearing a lot of padding and a face mask, swinging a lacrosse racquet to unstick a lacrosse ball in it, causing it to fly through the air. Red tries to catch the ball with his own lacrosse racquet, but it's too high for him. It hits one of the Possum Van's rear-view mirrors and knocks it off, much to Red's annoyance.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Bill is gonna take a look at lacrosse, which is Canada's national sport, which I'm not.

Plot Segment 1
''{The camera pans through the lodge to Harold. The audience applauds.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And here he is, your hero, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} my uncle, Red Green!

''{Red enters, waving to everyone. Harold applauds and howls.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much! Thank you. And now, here's your antihero, Mr. Anti-Everything, with the exception of ante up, {points to Harold} my nephew, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Don't be jealous.

''{Harold plays his switcher. A monster truck, looking like Dougie's, zooms across the switcher.}''

HAROLD GREEN: I'm an electric magician.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Good. {points to switcher} Saw that thing in half, will ya? {to camera} Bit of a setback this week. The beer store called up and said that if we would pay our tab, they could repave the parking lot and buy a new fleet of trucks. And we kinda twigged onto the idea that perhaps we're spending a little too much money on beer.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I agree. I think everyone should just cut back on their consumption around here.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Cut back? Oh, no, no, we're gonna brew our own beer, Harold. {back to camera} All we need is {holds out left hand and points to fingers with right index finger} pure water, brewer's yeast, hops, barley, sugar and containers to put the beer in. We got everything but the pure water.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, maybe you should start by brewing small amounts. That would limit the size of a potential explosion.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Well, Harold, that's just not the way we do things around here, all right? You know, the ancient Romans brewed beer, Harold. {repeatedly prods Harold with index finger} In fact, every great western civilization brewed beer. Did you know that?

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to himself repeatedly} Yes, I did. {Red nods} And did you know that at some point, every great civilization collapsed? {holds up hands} Connection, perhaps?

RED GREEN: Harold, if it's good enough for Julius Caesar, it's good enough for Possum Lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: Veni, vidi, vomiti. I came, I saw, I ralphed. {plays switcher}

Segue: Dougie Franklin
{Dougie stands in a corner of the lodge.}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: You're watching The Red Green Show, and nobody can stop you!

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by banging two empty beer cans together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, we're out here squashing beer cans
 * In the middle of the night.
 * They go off like tomatoes
 * If the man just hits 'em right.
 * Yes, we love to squash those beer cans,
 * Drive 'em into the ground.
 * We just squashed a can of Perrier.
 * We're obviously getting too close to town.

Meet Your Member
''{Red is seated in a chair in another area of the lodge. Next to him is Dalton Humphrey. They are seated together around a table.}''

RED GREEN: Today on "Meet Your Member", we got the owner of Humphrey's Everything Store, Dalton Humphrey. {Dalton raises his hand briefly} Dalton is actually the only guy at the lodge who has a steady income.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, it's, uh, it's not what you make, it's what you spend there, Red. It's not what you pay, it's what you buy.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right. Maybe we'll just get away from that stuff, and you can tell us a little bit about, say, your family life, your background, growing up, y'know, that kinda thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, I, uh, I grew up dirt poor. Five kids in a one-room shack. And, uh, none of us had a stitch of clothing, 'cause drapes were cheaper.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh, sure, yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: And, uh, well, the eldest finally got some clothes, and, uh... 'course, I was the youngest, so all I got was hand-me-downs, and... I hated that. I hated it.

RED GREEN: Well, I had hand-me-downs; they're not that bad.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, all I had were sisters.

RED GREEN: Make it tough getting a date, I would think.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sure taught me the value of a dollar, I'll bet. Then, of course, I learned how to sew. And I married the girl who taught me how to sew.

RED GREEN: Oh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh yes. Of course, there was a nicer girl who lived across town. I liked her a lot better, but... well, not enough to justify the bus fare.

RED GREEN: Now, uh, now, your daughter. Tell us how she fits into the picture here. You haven't mentioned her yet.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, she's fine.

RED GREEN: Okay.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, she's– she's grown up now.

RED GREEN: Uh-huh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, she spends more on a dress than I spend on a car. Forty dollars on a dress! Can you believe that? Something...

RED GREEN: So she has money, then?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, she has my money.

RED GREEN: Oh!

Handyman Corner
{Red walks into his workshop, where a refrigerator stands.}

RED GREEN: Welcome to Handyman Corner. This week, with the brew-your-own-beer project going on, I thought I'd show you how to make a great addition to any bar, {leans against fridge} whether that bar be in your family room, your office, or your golf cart. You know, two things that you need at a bar is ice and water: water for mixing drinks, and ice to drop into people's shorts or into their hats, depending on where their hangover is. Now, you can buy one of them fancy fridges, got the ice and water dispenser built right in, but those babies are up to 200 bucks. {moves his hands over the fridge to approximate its size} Plus, they may not fit in the same space that you already got. {looks at fridge} For me, I'd have to clean out my fridge and take off all my messages, the phone numbers, the mortgage to my house, my will... So instead of that, I'm gonna show you how you can turn the fridge you got now into an ice-and-water-dispenser machine. All right, first thing you're gonna need for ice water is something for the cold water to flow through. {reaches over to take some garden hose lying behind him, knocking over a hubcap in the process} I'm thinking garden hose. "What's cold about a garden hose?" you're saying as you reach for the channel changer? Well, nothing, until you run it through the freezer. {taps freezer door with hose, then takes a pickax} All right, step one, drill a 3/4-inch hole right in the freezer for the hose to go through.

{Red swings the pickax at the freezer door, and it hits the door, puncturing it, and it sticks there.}

RED GREEN: Perfect.

''{He starts to struggle to pull the pickax off. Wipe to a later scene. The hose is now seen running through the hose, with duct tape covering up the hole around the hose. The fridge is heard humming. He is holding a huge beer glass labeled "BIG SWIG!"}''

RED GREEN: All right, I did the same thing at the back end there, so we got the garden hose going right through the freezer. {takes end of the hose, which has a nozzle on the end} Now, you're gonna want to control the flow and direction of your ice water, so I would say put the nozzle on there like that. Or, if you're a real fun guy, you can throw a sprinkler on there, you know, if your party guests are getting out of hand, like, maybe they want to play charades or something. All right, let's give her a try.

''{Red then squeezes, but nothing comes out, except for a small dribble. Red is perplexed.}''

RED GREEN: That's odd.

{He opens up the freezer door, revealing that the hose is a frozen white.}

RED GREEN: Oh, my gosh. All right, there's a problem: she's frozen up solid there. So what we got to do is we got to, uh, put some insulation, I guess, around that hose to stop it from freezing inside there. You can use Styrofoam or fiberglass, but I'm thinking work socks.

{Later, Red is seen covering the hose in covered in socks.}

RED GREEN: All right, uh, luckily, I had holes in the toes, so they just thread right on there. {closes freezer door} Now, to make the ice-maker part of our refrigerator renovation, you're gonna need {takes ice cube tray and cupboard door handle off fridge} an ice cube tray and a cupboard door handle. So, while you go and get those, let's get back to the show for a few minutes. Man, my feet are freezing!

Commercial bumper
{Gord starts coming down the stairs of his watchtower.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Coming up, we got Ranger Gord coming down...

{Red and Harold are seen inside the lodge, where the latter is dialing a number on the phone.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and Harold's gonna teach me the politically correct way to invite people over. Like that's important!

Red's Poetry
{Red is seen wearing a plaid coat as he sits out by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: "Tiny Shoots" by me:


 * Tiny shoots come out of the ground.
 * Crocus and tulips and daffodils rise
 * To a height of 2-1/2 inches and are frozen in time...
 * Not by a late frost, but by an early lawn mower.

{In frustration, then, Red starts swatting at bugs that swarm around him.}

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the lodge with a look of disgust on his face.}

RED GREEN: Blech! Hmm... Well, I don't know what we did wrong, but our first batch of homemade beer did not taste all that great.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, Uncle Red, did you, like, boil and sterilize all the beer vats and beer bottles?

RED GREEN: How do you mean?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you gotta boil everything to make sure all the germs have been removed.

RED GREEN: Well, we wipe them on our shirts. Our shirts are clean. {sniffs his shirt sleeve}

HAROLD GREEN: No, I mean, you gotta make sure the canisters are perfectly sterile.

RED GREEN: Harold, the only thing perfectly sterile up here is Old Man Sedgewick. Besides, how can you boil a hot tub?

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, but you know what happens when you get in one of those unwanted, nasty little germs and bacteria...

RED GREEN: Yeah, they end up producing your show.

Segue: Dougie Franklin 2
{Dougie stands in a corner of the lodge.}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {crossing arms} It's very seldom that people like us get a chance to do a television show, and, well, thank you.

Visit With Ranger Gord
{Red approaches Fire Watchtower 13, but Gord does not seem to be there.}

RED GREEN: Ranger Gord? Well, we're up here at Fire Tower 13, but, uh, Ranger Gord is obviously not around, so... let's go, Harold.

{He starts to turn and leave when he suddenly hears Gord's voice.}

RANGER GORD: Red! Red!

{Red looks up to spot Gord coming down the stairs from the tower.}

RANGER GORD: Red, I... I thought I missed you. Wait, wait, wait. Hi, Harold. All you young people out there, listen up! I'm gonna be starting, uh, a nature club up here for all the young people of Possum Lake. Gonna be called the Possum Pack. So every week, you guys are gonna come up here. We're gonna be learning about nature, and we're gonna have snacks and juice. Huh? And, uh, we're gonna teach you about the great outdoors, and you're gonna be able to earn badges for passing certain tests.

''{By this point, Gord finishes coming down the stairs to Red. He holds a clipboard in his hand.}''

RED GREEN: Well, I think that's a great idea, Gord. Any time you can pass your kid off on another adult, I say go for it. But actually, Gord, I wanted to ask you some questions here. What kind of a degree is it that you have?

RANGER GORD: Uh, general arts.

RED GREEN: Yeah. All right. Well, we're making our own beer, and we need to find a source of pure spring water.

RANGER GORD: Sure, finding water, there's something that the Possum Pack could earn a badge for.

RED GREEN: Oh, you're gonna have lots of badges, are you?

RANGER GORD: Oh, yeah.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: There's a solitaire badge if you learn how to play five different games of solitaire. There's a badge for taking a long hike on your own, then reflecting. There's a badge for cooking for one. Uh, shadow puppets. Huh? Uh, and there's one for learning how to have a meaningful conversation with your echo.

RED GREEN: Boy. What about fires, Gord? That would be a good badge there, because fires is gonna be a big part of their lives up here at Possum Lake.

RANGER GORD: Great idea. {sits on the stairs and writes in clipboard}

RED GREEN: Yeah. We could have... You could have putting out fires in cars...

RANGER GORD: Okay.

RED GREEN: Uh, putting out fires in boats...

RANGER GORD: All right.

RED GREEN: Putting out fires on rivers....

RANGER GORD: All right. {suddenly looks up in confusion} Rivers?

RED GREEN: Remember last year? Stinky Peterson's leaky boat tank? Gasoline all over the river, wall of flame a hundred feet high, two miles long? You must have seen that.

RANGER GORD: No.

RED GREEN: Oh.

RANGER GORD: No, I missed it.

RED GREEN: Oh. {nods and shakes head}

RANGER GORD: Of course, it wasn't technically a forest fire.

Harold's Segment
{In another corner of the lodge, Harold stands next to two telephones on a table, one being a cell phone and the other a regular dial phone.}

HAROLD GREEN: You know, it'll come as no surprise to most of us that many men in the '90s do not know how to communicate.

{Red enters the room through a back door.}

HAROLD GREEN: {seeing Red} Oh, Uncle Red! Okay, please come in. We're just about to demonstrate the correct way to graciously invite someone over to your house for dinner.

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, when a guy wants to invite somebody over graciously, he gets his wife to do it.

HAROLD GREEN: Yes, but we're gonna change all that. Uncle Red, would you call me and invite me over to your house Saturday night? {sits down next to cell phone}

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: Why not?

RED GREEN: Well, you might come.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, okay. We're pretending, we're pretending.

''{Red groans in frustration and sits down next to the dial-up phone. He dials Harold's number on the cell phone, which starts ringing. Harold sits in silence, not doing anything. Red becomes even more frustrated.}''

RED GREEN: Well, aren't you gonna answer it?

HAROLD GREEN: I never answer the phone on the first ring. {Red sways his head in annoyance as the phone continues ringing} Okay, now I'm getting up, and I'm walking across. {makes a walking motion with his fingers across the table to the cell phone and answers it} Hello?

RED GREEN: {on phone} Harold, you doing anything Saturday night?

HAROLD GREEN: Saturday night? I don't think so.

RED GREEN: Fine, come on over for dinner around 7:00.

HAROLD GREEN: Excellent! Can I bring something–

RED GREEN: {interrupting} Bye! And remember, we're just pretending.

''{Red then hangs up with a slam and there is the sound of a dial tone on Harold's phone. Embarrassed, he hangs up. Red smiles and Harold nods.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Good. Very good. That's what we'll call the completely wrong way. He didn't even say who was calling.

RED GREEN: He could see I was talking to him.

HAROLD GREEN: You still have to tell a person who is calling. And he didn't say, you know, is it a special occasion? Is it a party? Is it an anniversary?

RED GREEN: It's Saturday night, and the game will be on TV.

HAROLD GREEN: Didn't mention that to me.

RED GREEN: The game's always on TV Saturday night.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, but he didn't say if I had to bring anything like, y'know, a dessert or a gift, or who's gonna be there. Casual? Formal? Haw! Now I will demonstrate the correct procedure for phoning someone.

''{He dials Red's number on his cell phone. The dial-up phone buzzes and Red answers it with resignation.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: {holding up cell phone to ear} Hello, Uncle Red! It is I, your nephew, Harold Green.

RED GREEN: Who gave you my number?

HAROLD GREEN: Very good, thank you, and how are you today?

RED GREEN: Busy.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, isn't that just wonderful? Yes, it is a lovely day, isn't it?

RED GREEN: Not really, no.

HAROLD GREEN: The reason I'm calling, Uncle Red, is to invite you over to dinner.

RED GREEN: When?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I thought we'd just have some mutual friends.

RED GREEN: When?

HAROLD GREEEN: Nothing fancy, of course. You know, just, like, some potluck dinner kind of thing.

RED GREEN: When?

HAROLD GREEN: And we'll all sit around. We'll watch some old slides of my bus trip to Brantford.

RED GREEN: {impatiently} When?

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, when? Well, that's Saturday night.

RED GREEN: Oh, nope, can't do it. I just invited somebody over for dinner Saturday night. Bye.

{Smugly, Red hangs up, and a dial tone is heard on Harold's phone.}

Commercial bumper
{Dougie is shown, saying something.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Coming up, we got Dougie Franklin with a personal question...

{Red is seen standing on the dock, holding up some papers in his hand to Buzz, who is taking off in his plane, whose propellers blows the papers out of Red's hand.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and Buzz Sherwood says "The answer is blowin' in the wind!"

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the lodge with his sleeve covering his mouth, gagging in disgust.}

RED GREEN: Blech! Well, our second batch of beer didn't really work out any better than the first. Can't understand how the Romans could brew beer and we can't. Maybe we should have a toga party.

HAROLD GREEN: Did you add enough sugar? I mean, did you let the beer brew and ferment for two weeks?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Two weeks? Who has that kind of time?

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you got to do it.

RED GREEN: Well, don't they have, like, a minute beer?

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! No, I'm sorry, you cannot make a fine-quality lager with, like, you know, Kool-Aid technology.

RED GREEN: {turning back to camera} All right, all right, well, we'll try it again. Actually, this time, we have a real proper vat to brew the beer in. {smiles}

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up to Red} A real beer vat? One where you can let the beer brew and ferment for two weeks?

RED GREEN: {turning back to Harold again} Okay, not a real proper vat, no, but... {gestures behind himself with thumb} there's a starch factory up on Backbend Road. They got a water tower there full to the brim with pure rainwater. We can mix the beer in there.

HAROLD GREEN: And to heat it up?

RED GREEN: Oh, this is the beauty: the starch plant has been condemned! {back to camera} So we can torch it, boil the beer. I'll tell you something: {holds up two fingers} in two weeks, {points to camera repeatedly} we're gonna have 15,000 gallons of beer! We're gonna call it "Arson Ale"!

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head in frustration} Oh, Uncle Red, that's a– th-that's a really big factory! What if the fire gets out of control and starts to spread? How are you gonna get the fire out? Haw!

RED GREEN: {pauses briefly} With the beer.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, well, how are you gonna get the beer from the tower to where the fire is?

RED GREEN: We'll drink it and use our bodies as fire trucks.

HAROLD GREEN: {stares in confusion} ...All right, but watch out for backdrafts.

Segue: Dougie Franklin 3
{Dougie stands in a corner of the lodge.}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: If there's any eligible women out there, I'm available. And, uh, I'm happy to announce that I have the only monster truck, and the biggest one in the Possum Lake area. I prefer who are petite, blonde, and, uh, kind of on the slim side, and aren't afraid of loud noises.

Handyman Corner 2
{Red stands next to the fridge again, holding an ice cube tray and a door handle.}

RED GREEN: Welcome back. All right, we're gonna continue on with the ice-making part of our refrigeration renovation thing here, and like I said before, you need an ice cube tray and a cupboard door handle. Now, you take the cupboard door handle, and you mount that to the inside of the top of the freezer. {reaches door handle into the freezer, at the back, and holding it against the ceiling} Way at the back, though, all right? Then you hang your ice cube tray onto the door handle with the hook {mounts door handle on hook} right like that. Exactly, absolutely, exactly like that.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has attached the door handle to the ceiling of the freezer. The ice cube tray has some duct tape strips on the bottom of it.}''

RED GREEN: All right, we got the, uh, door handle mounted in there, and I'm gonna hang the ice cube tray on that, and I've, uh, put some duct tape on here, sticky side up, so that I can {reaches ice cube tray into freezer onto door handle and attaches it to the freezer ceiling} actually stick the tray to the inside of the ceiling of the freezer. You know, the Possum Lodge members up at Rankin Inlet tell me that, uh, {finishes and turns around to look at camera} duct tape won't stick when it's frozen. Well, that's good. {gestures toward ice cube tray} Because what it means is when the ice cubes are all frozen, the duct tape's gonna let go, and {makes a swinging motion with his hand} the tray will fall back and rest against the inside of the back of the freezer. {walks around beside fridge and picks up a boat paddle} Now, on the outside of the back of the freezer, right where that tray's gonna be, we mount this paddle. And we just, uh, mount it at the bottom so it's nice and springy. When you want an ice cube, {pulls back on paddle} you just pull back on the paddle and let her go. {lets go of paddle, thrusting it forward} Thwack! There we are. {puts down ice cube tray} 'Course, the ice cube's gotta get out of the freezer somehow, so what you gotta do is {closes freezer door} put a hole in the front door, right directly in front of where that tray is hanging. {picks up a pickax} You can cut that with tin snips, of course, but first of all, you're gonna need a pilot hole. {swings pickax at freezer door, and it sticks through it} Right tool for the right job.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has cut open the new hole with tin snips.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. {puts tin snips down} Let's test drive a cocktail. ''{picks up a bottle of alcohol and the "BIG SWIG!" mug} I took the liberty of, uh, filling the ice cube tray up {pours alcohol into the mug}'' with water there, and I duct-taped her to the inside of the ceiling of the freezer, so ice cubes are forming as we speak. All righty, now add a little bit of water. {picks up the hose in the freezer and sprays a bit of water into the mug, then stops abruptly} Oh, don't wanna drown it. Okay, the ice may take a few minutes here. So while we're waiting, I want you to remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {suddenly, he hears the sound of ice cubes clattering} Oh, there we go! The iceman cometh!

''{Red pulls on the paddle, which is attached to the back of the freezer and lets it go. It launches an ice cube out of the freezer through the hole. The ice cube ricochets around the room, before landing in the mug. Red holds up the mug proudly to the camera, then takes a sip of the alcohol.}''

RED GREEN: Perfect.

Visit With Buzz Sherwood
{Red stands out on the lake dock where Buzz's plane is usually parked, but it's gone.}

RED GREEN: Well, we're supposed to be here to see Buzz Sherwood and get some air safety tips, but I have no idea where he is.

''{He suddenly hears the sound of Buzz's plane. He looks around in confusion, first to his right.}''

RED GREEN: No...

{He then looks to his left to spot Buzz's plane coming in for a landing.}

RED GREEN: Whoa!

''{He drops down onto the floor as the plane passes by over him. Moments later, the plane gets tethered to the dock and Buzz gets out, covered in white dust (either chalk or flour).}''

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yo, Red man! What are you doing here?!

RED GREEN: {standing up} Well, buzz, you're supposed to be talking to the viewers about air safety.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, relax, Red! {takes some papers out of his back pants pocket} You know me, I always fly by the seat of my pants! {looks at papers} This is my schedule. I guess it's why I'm always a little behind. {laughs maniacally as he looks at papers} Yeah, I got nothing on here about air safety. I got, uh, plane maintenance, and people I have to pick up, {drops one piece of paper} uh, and supplies I gotta deliver. {Red sees the fallen paper and bends down to pick it up before handing it to Buzz} Oh, yeah, great. Thanks. {Buzz takes the paper} I got nothing on here about air safety. I would have written it down. {suddenly looks at papers more closely} What the... {spits into a pair of reading glasses hanging on his neck and puts them on} What's that? {holds out papers} I can't– I can't read it. Hold that out for me, hold that out for me. {Red takes the papers and holds them out to Buzz} There, what's that– what's that say? It says...

RED GREEN: I got binoculars in the van.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {reading} "Pick up geologist on far-flung lake". Oh, I should have done that yesterday. {laughs} And, uh, "fuel up the plane"... Yeah, yeah. And "talk to Red about..."

RED AND BUZZ: "...air safety"!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Whoa! I totally forgot! {takes off glasses} But you know, you got me working so hard water-bombing that starch plant, right?

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, all right.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Now, I did the hops. I dumped some hops in the water tower, and, uh, and now I'm gonna... {taps some plastic drums behind him} I'm gonna do the yeast.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: So we're laughing.

RED GREEN: Okay, no, that's fine, that's fine, but Buzz... {holds up paper again}

RED AND BUZZ: Air safety.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Right, right, okay. {turns to camera} Air safety.

RED GREEN: All right.

{Buzz takes a breath and dusts off some of the powder off his shirt and coughs.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {holds up index finger} Rule number one about flying...

RED GREEN: Yeah.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {shakes finger} Never, ever... {Red shakes his head} fly into a tornado... {pauses awkwardly after that}

RED GREEN: Yeah?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {turning to Red with a shrug} That's it.

RED GREEN: All right, uh, there you have it. Uh, thank you so much, Buzz, for putting the time and effort into that presentation. Very much appreciate it, thank you.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Hey, no sweat, man! Good to see you! Bye!

{Laughing maniacally, Buzz gets back into his plane and starts it up, the engine turning over.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {yelling over the noise} ROCK 'N' ROLL! AHH!

RED GREEN: There you have it, Buzz Sherwood, bush pilot. {suddenly remembers he's still holding the papers in his hand, which he holds} Hey, you forgot your papers! Buzz, you forgot your–

{The wind kicked up by the propeller blows the papers out of Red's hand, as well as blows his hat off his head.}

Plot Segment 4
''{Red enters the room, sopping wet, with liquid dripping off him. He groans. Harold looks on, amused.}''

RED GREEN: Well... the homemade beer project was, I guess, a blowout.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggling} I thought you were trying to make a dry beer. I heard it was raining beer foam all over Rock Reef Point!

RED GREEN: Well, it started out okay. I mean, Junior Singleton mixed everything up in a wheelbarrow, and then Buzz flew over in a plane, dropped her down into the water tower, and then we sealed her up snug and tight down there. We started the plant on fire. Everything was going great. And then she turned into what I believe they call an inferno.

HAROLD GREEN: {amused} I knew something was wrong when I saw the sides of the tower bulging out into a sphere.

RED GREEN: And then she blew, big time. Old Man Sedgewick went kind of strange on us. He got up, and he said, "I am Death, destroyer of worlds." And there was a big shockwave, knocked us all flat, shattered all the empties. When we woke up, it was real strange: we all stunk like beer, but nobody was singing Irish songs.

HAROLD GREEN: Too bad you missed it, Uncle Red. The best part: the beer actually put the fire out. It was so cool. You know, but the liquid– I mean, it instantaneously vaporized, right? But there was this huge cloud of beer gas wafting over the forest. Haw!

RED GREEN: Yeah, Buster said the animals were acting real weird.

HAROLD GREEN: Birds were falling out of trees. Rabbits were having {holds up fist} fistfights. Bears were belching trees {makes a swinging motion with his hand} flat!

{Harold giggles, and then the "Squeal of the Possum" sound is heard.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's meeting time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, {gestures toward back stairs} you go, I'll be a little while, Harold. My underwear would set off a breathalyzer machine.

HAROLD GREEN: Right. {takes off switcher and heads for back stairs}

RED GREEN: {into camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I'll tell you something, honey, I am off beer until... probably this time tomorrow. {to audience} And for the rest of you, thanks so much for watching. Until next time, on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, {waves} keep your stick on the ice. {smiles and waves some more}

''{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold is making his way to the front of the meeting, followed closely by Red. Several other men are walking into the meeting as well to take their seats. Some are throwing paper airplanes at each other. Winston Rothschild is also up at the front of the meeting. Red takes his place at the front of the meeting.}''

HAROLD GREEN: All rise! All rise! Attention!

{Everybody stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritadi.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone does so}

HAROLD GREEN: Got big news. {brings out a new structure} We found a satellite in the back. Gonna bring it here. Set it up. Set it up. The satellite. {Harold tries to set up the satellite with Winston's help} Don't pull it.