Something In The Heir/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

I know it's great to be

reasonable and rational,

discuss things, try to arrive

at an acceptable compromise

that everybody

can live with.

But once in a while,

when you've had enough,

you've gotta take action.

You've made your point;

they understand your position;

and yet nothing changes.

And that moves you from

the arena of diplomatic

conciliation

into the area of a taste

of your own medicine.

[ distorted voice ]

[ distorted ]

[ distorted ]

[ distorted ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

Well, I'm afraid

I got no news for you.

That's because our local

paper, "the daily movement,"

is shut down for two weeks.

I figure people

are gonna miss it.

That's a long time to go

without a "daily movement."

hey, red,

there's no

paper this week.

No, no, the publisher,

the editor, the reporter,

the photographer,

the cartoonist and

the typesetter

have all gone

on vacation.

But don't worry.

He'll be back in

two weeks.

Okay, I wish somebody

woulda told me that

because now no one's

gonna see my ad.

You don't need to

run an ad, winston.

I mean, that truck of

yours is an excellent

marketing tool.

And that thing assaults

all five senses

every time you do

a drive-by.

Red, it's not an

ad for my business;

it's -- it's more of

a personal ad.

See, I'm lookin' for

a woman who'd be willing

to have my baby.

You know, I don't

think a local ad

is gonna work.

I think you need to

advertise where the

women don't know you.

Why this sudden urge

to be a father?

Red, I'm winston

rothschild iii.

See, it's taken three

generations to build

this septic

sucking dynasty,

and I can't let it

end with me.

And besides, I promised my dad

that I'd make sure this

company keeps going

as long as the

customers keep going.

Maybe you should be

using science on this.

They have this surrogate

mother thing now,

where they take a sample from

you and they implant it

into a woman and she delivers

a baby nine months later

for a fee.

You know what?

Dalton's daughter might be

interested in that.

Ah, no thanks, red.

I mean, what if the kid

inherited my height

and dalton's hair?

It'd be a troll.

No, I'm kinda leanin'

towards adoption.

You know what?

That makes a lot of sense,

genetically speaking.

'cause I think

there's gotta

be a future

winston rothschild iv

out there somewhere.

Actually, I've got an

appointment with the

adoption agency

in about a half

an hour,

and I was hoping you'd

tag along and, you know,

sort of vouch for me.

Oh, sure.

Sure, yeah.

So we're looking

for a baby

who could possibly be

in the sewage business?

Red, all babies are

in the sewage business.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

and today's winner will

receive this beautiful

monogrammed handkerchief.

I already have

a monogrammed

handkerchief.

Yeah, but this'll have your

initials on it.

Okay, cover your

ears, mike.

Red, you've got 30 seconds to

get mike to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

dalton.

And go!

Okay, mike,

at night it's dark,

so in the day it's...

Easier to get caught.

Okay, when a

room gets dark,

it's time to

turn on the...

Charm.

Okay, you see a guy,

and suddenly he

gets religion,

you figure he

must've seen the...

Electric chair.

Let's try this.

Which beer do

fat people drink?

The last one.

Yeah. Okay.

Time's almost up.

Okay, mike, if something's

not heavy, it's...

Easy to steal.

Oh, yeah, especially

if you're light fingered.

That's it!

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

[ loon calls ]

I was thinking about

regrets the other day.

Do you have any

regrets, mr. Green?

Not so far, but this

conversation has potential.

What about you,

mr. Humphrey?

I've got nothing

but regrets.

How about you, mike?

You must have a

tonne of regrets.

Well, only one...

Children.

I regret not

having any children.

Yeah, I feel

exactly the same way.

Oh, or did you say you regret

'not' having children?

You know, bernice and I

don't have any kids.

We tried for

a couple years.

Then my brother had harold,

and we took that as a warning.

Oh, I'd like to have

lots of children.

Your parents have

lots of kids, mike?

My mom did.

My dad didn't

have any kids.

I don't think

he was my dad.

Well, kids are a lotta

responsibility, mike.

You have a daughter,

don't you, dalton?

Yes, yes,

yes, I do.

Yes, I have a

daughter.

That's why I've been

wearing the same clothes

for the last

12 years.

But kids are so great!

They're so innocent;

they're so full of

hope for the future.

You know,

if I'd had kids,

I don't think I'd ever have

been in trouble with the law.

How old were you

on your first arrest?

Eleven.

That's a pretty

young father.

You might wanna think about

getting a life partner

before you leap right into

having a family, you know?

There still has to

be a woman involved

in having kids,

doesn't there?

You don't just download

it off the internet.

No, no, kids are great.

If you have a son

or a daughter,

it's kinda like a promise

that you're gonna raise

'em properly

and you're gonna take care

of 'em until they're

on their own.

(scoffs)

they'll never

be on their own.

Are you prepared

for that one, mike?

I just wanna have kids.

They'll learn

to be good people.

Well, they learn mainly

from your example.

Well, that's a

dumb system!

[ applause ]

you know, my dad

used to tell me

a man's home is his castle.

He also told me

to learn esperanto

and buy an amphibious car.

My dad was wrong.

The only time a man's

home is his castle

is when the queen

is out at the mall.

So today on handyman corner,

I'm here to prove that

although a man's home

is not his castle,

his car is his cottage.

Okay, as always, when you're

doing a major renovation,

the first thing you have to do

is gut the whole interior.

You wanna do this

as quickly as possible,

because if you take the

time to do it properly

you'll just get bored and

abandon the whole project.

That's what happens

when guys do things right.

Whenever you see

a half-painted boat

or a partly

converted school bus

in a guy's backyard,

that's the price of

being a perfectionist.

You wanna keep

the seats, though.

They make great couches

for your castle

maybe put 'em in

the servants' quarters.

Found a fair bit of food and

garbage under the seats

and what have you,

spilled drinks, taco juice,

that kind of thing.

Oh, man!

Look at all the coins.

Can't really call

it loose change.

Okay, once you've got

the space all cleared out,

you're ready for the most

important piece of furniture.

It's an old

barber's chair.

I mean, it's perfect...

It swivels, it reclines,

the footrest comes up.

And let's face it.

At our age we're not using

it as a barber's chair

nearly as often

as we used to.

[ grunting ]

you know, a one-seater car

makes a lot of sense to me.

It's a little harder to

reach the pedals,

but you don't need any of

those side air bags, eh?

And look where

you're sitting.

You're right in front of

the heater control and radio.

That's a lot more interesting

than watching the road.

Let me show you

the family room.

I've got my

microwave back there,

tv, mini fridge.

And with open

access to the trunk,

it's very private and

there's plenty of leg room.

Plus, I have two garbage

cans in the unit.

I believe they're

called windows.

Oh, yeah, we're a little shy

in the headroom back there.

All I do is use this boat

hook to get myself a

microwave popcorn

or the safety beverage

that goes with it.

No, a man's house

is not his castle;

but maybe his car is.

And with the sun roof

and this rope ladder

this castle even

has a turret.

Isn't this a

great set-up?

I can stand up here

in my turret

and survey my

entire kingdom.

I call it a turret,

but some people

call it widow's walk.

I have no idea why.

Oh, forgot my coffee.

No problem.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ music playing on radio ]

[ applause ]

]

I wanna take a moment to talk

about the parent problem.

Now, I don't mean

the parenting problem,

when your kids come

home with blue hair.

I'm talking about

the parent problem,

when your aging mom

and dad come home with --

well, with blue hair.

You know, it's a fact of life

that when senior citizens

can't take care of

themselves anymore,

they often move in with their

own middle-aged kids.

That can be real tough

on some of you late bloomers

who just moved outta their

house a couple of years ago.

But either way,

you and your parents

have different lifestyles.

So the watchword

here is patience.

You may not understand why

anyone needs to be up

for the day

at 4:00 in the morning.

But then you've never eaten

supper at 3:00 in

the afternoon

just to save a

buck and a half.

Likewise, try not

to get upset

when they start complaining

about your food

or the wallpaper

in their room

or the temperature

of the house.

It's just their way of

telling you they love you,

and that you know

nothing about anything.

Oh, yeah,

and there may be

some role reversal.

Remember how annoyed you used

to get when you were a kid

and they'd tell you

turn down the tv?

Well, you're gonna

understand how they felt

when you start

hearing andy rooney

at a 120 decibels.

The main thing is don't

look at this as a crisis;

think of it as a

learning opportunity.

Here's a chance

to show your own kids

what's gonna happen to them

if they don't get smart

and start saving for your

retirement home in florida

right now.

Remember, I'm pulling

for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

well, winston and I went

down to the adoption agency.

We were hoping to

find him a child

so his family septic business

wouldn't go down the drain.

Well, it didn't

go real well.

Hey, red,

good news!

They wanna see us

down at city hall.

Yeah, some big

announcement or something.

There'll be a whole bunch of

us who are lookin' to adopt.

Well, I don't think you

have a chance, winston.

Well, that's

negative, red.

I thought our interview

went really well.

No, no, no.

Good interviews go more than

three minutes, winston.

We weren't in there long

enough to boil an egg.

Well, maybe not,

but you sure

scrambled a few.

Well, I couldn't

lie to them.

Well, no,

not lie.

Never lie.

Embellish,

maybe.

Put a nice

spin on some of

the answers perhaps.

Winston, you're

a 35-year-old bachelor

who spends 18 hours a

day in your sewage truck.

I'd hire a nanny.

I told them that.

You told them

I was the nanny!

I can't relate

to babies.

Oh, sure

you can, red.

Don't sell

yourself short.

You've got a lot

in common with a baby...

Soft head,

take a lot of naps.

I'm the leader

of possum lodge.

I've got all the

children I can handle.

Look, red, just come down

with me for the big

announcement.

There's a whole bunch

of us who got turned down,

and we just wanna

stage a little protest

and maybe they'll

change their mind.

And look,

if this doesn't work,

I promise it's

the end of it.

Well, sounds like a

waste of time to me.

I've been married

35 years.

Protests don't work.

Look, I'll do the yelling.

You just come along

for moral support.

Come on,

what do you say?

All right.

Red, look, I gotta

have this baby.

I need an heir.

You have an air;

what you need

is a shower.

Red: We decided to

have a little basketball

shooting competition

between mike and walter,

and I was putting down the

three-point line

down at the basketball

court in town there.

Of course, walter had

the full gear on,

so mike's trying to adapt

his outfit to match --

wow! He's got the

tear-away pants.

Mike doesn't have --

oh, yes, he does.

Those legs are pretty

darned white over there.

So I was explaining I had

done the three-point

according to the official

rule book of pro basketball.

So walter's gonna go first.

We're gonna give two

points a piece for these.

That's a little short.

Little short there, walter.

Let's see how mike can do.

Obviously he doesn't have any

friction to hold him back.

Okay, very similar

type of shot,

so that'd be

zero-zero so far.

So I'm thinking let's

make this a little easier.

Instead of going

with pro basketball,

let's go with the college

basketball handbook.

Got a little closer line.

So again walter goes.

This should go

a lot better.

I'm feeling really

good about this.

Okay, away you go.

Shoot her up there.

Nope.

No better.

So now mike tries

a different approach,

the underhand, girlie

approach he learned in prison

and you see,

he shot it back -- oh!

All right, so he took

the ariel off the van,

and he wrecked the ball.

Now walter's figuring he

should win by default,

because there can

be no more competition

because we don't

have a ball.

Mike says, wait a sec.

I'll get another ball.

Don't you worry.

So he sees -- there's some

poor little kid playing

tether ball,

and not bothering anybody.

And mike comes in,

and this is called barter

for those of you who

are new to the country.

And takes that,

and he's gone.

So he comes back.

Now I'm abandoning the

college line.

We're going toddlers -- the

toddlers three-point line.

Oh!

Here's mike.

Mike's all set.

And up and...

And it's good!

Yeah, two points.

All right.

So walter, no problem.

Let's see how he does.

He's gonna show off

a little bit.

Instead of doing a jump shot,

he's gonna do the kareem

abdul-jabbar hook job.

Perfect!

There's two.

Well, we're all

tied up at two points.

Oh, no, we don't need that.

Don't need any of that.

There's no need for

that kind of thing.

So mike's got a plan.

He goes -- thank you.

Thank you very much, mike.

What are you gonna do?

Oh, it's some kind of

a trick shot, I'm thinking.

Oh, I know, he's gonna

look in the mirror.

Oh, yeah.

Look in the mirror.

Over the shoulder.

My gosh.

This should be good.

This should be good.

And... Beautiful!

Beautiful.

Right through.

There's four points.

So that's a challenge to --

all right, we don't

need that.

We don't need

that attitude.

Now a challenge to walter.

So he takes the challenge

and runs with it.

He takes the rope

right off there.

And he's gonna use

the mirror.

No, he's not.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, walter.

Totally without looking,

and she's in!

We got a four-point tie.

Now we move on to

the lay-up section.

And -- boy, beautiful.

Beautiful.

Boy, he's got great --

well, he takes the

net with him.

It'll be tough for

mike to top this one,

but he's got a plan.

He goes down

to the boat house

and gets one of the

canoe paddles.

He's got an old

bungee on there,

and he ties the tether ball

onto the bungee cord.

Don't know what he's

got in mind there.

And he goes down

over the back and --

oh, it's a paddle ball!

And he's racking 'em up!

Oh, my gosh!

It's all over, folks.

[ applause ]

♪ ]

this is the part of the show

where we feature

those three little words

men find so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

And today's letter

reads as follows...

"dear experts, I pride

myself in keeping up

"with current trends and fads,

no matter how fleeting

they might be.

"recently I read in the paper

about something called

"the internet.

"what's that?"

what's the internet?

Boy, that must've been

some kind of coma, huh?

All right, well,

the internet is something

that connects to

your computer

so that you can contact

everybody in the world

who wants to sell

you something.

No, that's not necessarily

true, uncle red.

No, the internet is probably

the most important innovation

for communication, education,

since the movable type.

I spend hours on

the internet.

I didn't even know you

had a computer, dalton.

Oh, gosh, yes.

I just find there is so much

fascinating information

on the internet.

Absolutely, yes.

The unfortunate aspect is how

much pornography's on there.

Well, you know, some people,

that's all they use it for.

[ laughter ]

what are you

lookin' at me for?

I don't do any of that.

Well, at least,

not intentionally.

Not very often.

Look, okay, okay, okay.

Ann marie wanted to

re-model the kitchen, right?

So I did a search for

"pantries."

but there was as typo.

That's not what the

internet's for,

mr. Dalton.

Look, it was an

accident, all right?

And besides, it's private.

Who's gonna know?

Well, anybody who has

access to the computer.

Stored somewhere in your

computer is every website

you've ever visited.

Harold: Every one.

Every one?

How long have you had

a computer, dalton?

Um, I-it's ann marie's.

I gotta go!

You better call rothschild's

sewage today,

'cause that soggy mess

is here to stay.

Whatever goes up

comes down, they say.

But whatever goes down,

doesn't always go away.

Okay, I would suggest that

if any of you ever go

to a protest

that you find out what

the protest is about

before you get there.

It was about the

right to adopt a child.

Yeah, okay, and

I was fine with that.

I just was a little

surprised when I realised

that wasn't the main agenda.

Well, that oughta

keep him outta my tent.

You know, we're all

just people, red.

You know, I thought it

was good to show our

solidarity.

Yeah, I was fine

with that.

But did you

have to put your

arm around me, winston?

Red, I was upset.

It was obvious that they

weren't gonna let me adopt.

They were discriminating

against my

entrepreneurial lifestyle.

No, they were not.

They were protecting

an innocent child.

They wanted the child to be

raised in a loving atmosphere.

You love your job.

And your atmosphere

is toxic.

Well, now what am

I gonna do

with the family business

and no child to take it on?

I mean, septic sucking

is not something

you just fall into, red.

Well, you know what?

If you wanna

immortalize yourself,

why don't you add your face to

the logo of the company?

You know, like

colonel sanders.

You could become the

colonel sanders of

septic sucking.

That's a pretty

good idea, red.

Every time people

saw your face,

they'd think of sewage.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

You go ahead.

I'll be down in a minute.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

Let me re-phrase that.

I'll be coming straight

after the meeting.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and the

whole gang at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ applause ]

[ general din ]

everybody sit down.

Sit down.

Everybody sit.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the men's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

These flowers

came for you, mr. Green.

They're from

an admirer.

Thanks, doug.

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