Problem Outhouse/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold:

And now for the program

that dares to break all the

rules, but dares to be different

because it doesn't have

the budget that other shows do.

And I think that's particularly

unfair if you ask me.

Well, anyway, the point is,

it's "the red green show!"

and now it's time for the man

of the half-hour,

your host, my uncle,

everyone's favorite woodsman,

red green!

Go for it, uncle red.

Don't blow it, okay?

Well, thank you, harold.

Well, thank you.

Welcome to the show.

Uh, we've got a great show

for you this week.

We got -- what does that say?

"truckloads of fun,

"boatloads of guests,

and armloads of love for you."

that sounds

terrible, harold.

No, it sounded great.

That "armloads" thing

sounded fantastic --

very natural, very tv.

Harold here is producer

and director of the show,

and he's also my nephew.

Thank you

for that generous applause.

I didn't hear

any applause.

I was shaming them.

You shame everyone,

harold.

Harold's kind of hooked into

the modern technology here.

You could even say

he's wired. I do.

But, you know, he's not just

producer and director

just because

he's my nephew.

No, it's because

I can do this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ laughs ]

that's why

I'm producer and director.

No, that's not it,

harold.

It's because your father

put up 51% of the money

to do the show here.

That's not true.

You offered me a job

long before dad bailed you out

of that telefilm disaster.

Yeah,

but at that point,

your job description

was "key grip."

is he the guy who, like, works

with the lights and the cables?

Not in this case, harold --

this is the guy

that grips the keys to my truck

while I'm on camera

and keeps gripping them

until I want to go home.

Oh, yeah, I got 'em.

I got 'em.

It's not a problem.

I'm okay, there, uncle red.

Just I figured maybe we'd just

go right into the next segment,

if that's okay with you.

What about my story?

Oh, what about it?

Well, I was, uh, gonna tell

the people at the lodge here

about how we got

a new outhouse.

Oh, that's

an interesting segue.

That wasn't a segue,

harold.

They never are.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ he was short and mangy

and missing one ear ♪

♪ he ate mostly squirrels,

and he drank mostly beer ♪

♪ he looked like a rodent ♪

♪ he smelled like a bog ♪

♪ but he wasn't either,

he was my hunting dog ♪

♪ my hunting dog

was a wonderful friend ♪

♪ but with a slip

of my safety ♪

♪ he come to an end ♪

♪ he was the best companion

that I ever had ♪

♪ my good old dog... ♪

I can't remember his name

right now.

What was his name?

"king"?

I think it was "rex."

no, it wasn't "rex."

"dave"?

It was

"mister" something.

Mister --

or was it "missus"? "miss."

no, it was "mister."

was it "mister"?

He was "mister," believe me.

He was a "mister."

oh, yeah.

Remember that?

Yeah.

Oh, there was a weekend!

This week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you how to,

uh -- how to fix a lawn mower.

Uh, when you do fix

a lawn mower,

there is a certain order

that you check things in.

Now, this particular machine

has a seized engine.

So the first thing you check

is the price of a new one.

And then you check the I.Q.

Of the last person that used it.

And you'll find

only one of those is high.

Next thing you check

is the spark plug.

Disconnect the plug.

And, uh,

take out the spark plug.

[ sighs ]

adjust the gap.

And reinstall it.

And while you've got

the gas can open anyway,

you might as well check to see

if there's any excess gas

in there.

No, I guess not.

The next thing you might want

to take a look at

is the blade itself.

What you're checking for here

is nicks and bumps.

No, there's not

nearly enough of those.

That's about it.

I guess the last step

when you're checking

a lawn mower

with a seized engine

is to kill your nephew harold.

So, until next time,

remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Harold, can I talk to you

for a minute?

We'll be right back

with more of the show

and the story

of the outhouse.

But not, hopefully,

at the same time.

You know, I've been working

really hard on the show.

You probably noticed that,

with the directing

and the cutting-aways

and things like that.

So I thought "emmy."

we're gonna get one for sure.

What?

You mean an award?

An award.

We're the most outstanding

production in the woods.

Is that a category?

That's my problem. I don't know.

I don't think there'd be

too many in the category.

What about "best foreign

feature-film-length,

"30-minute

docu-quasi-comedy...

And --

and, uh, sport show."

well, there's a lot

in that category.

I think "l.A. Law's"

in that category.

Is it?

Yeah. It's tough competition.

They got more people than us.

We could be

"best musical/comedy variety

series in a wooded area."

that has a ring to it.

Yeah.

And there's not a lot

in that.

Now that "yogi bear's"

been canceled,

we're pretty much

a shoo-in.

"yogi bear's"

been canceled?

Heartbreaker,

isn't it?

"it is winter.

"outside,

the snow is piled deep.

"the north wind blows all night.

"but here, inside,

you're snuggled warm,

"your face bathed

in orange light

from the cigarette lighter

as you wait for the tow truck."

so, uh, anyways, I was

trying to tell you the story

about how the lodge

got a -- got a new outhouse.

And, uh, well, it starts

with a missing stick of dynamite

and, uh, old man sedgwick

needing a candle

for one of his late-night

visits to the woods.

Uncle red,

I don't really think

this is a good story

to be telling.

I mean, it was already

all over the local news

and in the papers.

"tnt turns toilet trip

to terror."

well, but they didn't get

all of it, harold.

They didn't give it

the full coverage.

Yeah, well, it wasn't

exactly the kind of story

that lent itself

to pictures.

I mean, that old man standing

there in his singed nightgown,

just standing there

smoldering away, going,

"dorothy, was that you?"

not even moving!

It was horrible.

Tv needs action,

uncle red, like this.

You're ruining the story,

harold.

We both are.

[ sniffs ] boy, the air

sure smells good today, hap.

Is that new lid on the bait

bucket doing that?

I haven't smelled

air this fresh

since I worked

on the railroad.

You worked

on the railroad?

All the livelong day.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, I'd gone west,

you know,

just to get

the lay of the land,

did a little

railroad work.

We were trying to find

a new route through the rockies.

Geez, hap, I always heard

that, uh, work on the railroad

was pretty tough stuff.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's too hard

for most of the men.

You didn't bother

having an expensive breakfast

or you'd throw it up

and try to get your money back.

I'll tell you

the worst of it, though.

The lay of the land,

I'll bet.

The lay of the land.

See, the massive power

of the rockies was so strong

that it magnetizes the rails,

makes them all move north.

Well, we were halfway to alaska

before we noticed.

Magnetic rails, hap?

Must have been hard

on your watch.

Pull the loose change

right out of the bottoms

of your pockets.

One fellow lost all the fillings

up in his teeth.

What were you then, hap?

A gandy dancer?

[ birds chirping ]

a what?

A gandy dancer, hap.

My cousin's a gandy dancer

for cp rail --

are you telling me

you worked for the railroad

and you don't know

what a gandy dancer is?

Sure, I know.

I just don't want to

talk about it, that's all.

Can't you tell that?

Did you come here

to fish or talk?

Sorry, hap.

Just trying to get

the lay of the land.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ when my life is over

and I've fired my last round ♪

♪ take all my lures

and pass them around ♪

♪ have yourself a cold beer

for the good times we had ♪

♪ and drop me

into the water-supply tank ♪

♪ right next to dad ♪

uncle red, great.

It's letter-reading time.

This is fantastic.

I'm all set

when you are, c.B.

[ laughs ]

all right,

you give me a signal,

and then I'll know

you're ready, too, okay?

Like we could use

like a secret word or phrase

or something like that.

That'd be cool, eh?

Just read the letter,

harold.

Oh, verbal cue.

Excellent choice of technique.

That's fantastic.

Okay, letter number one.

"dear red...

[ giggles ]

can you do anything

about my lawn?"

well, is there any more

information than that, harold?

Oh, yeah,

okay, all right.

"can you do anything

about my lawn?

Name withheld."

uh, you know, difficult

to be specific in this case.

Uh, you know, generally,

lawn problems range

anything from weed spray

to shooting your neighbor's dog.

Oh, you mean "shooing"

the neighbor's dog, right?

Well, you can give that a try

first, I guess.

For me, personally, now,

I have an attitude

of survival of the fittest.

If the weeds win,

hey, they deserve it.

Oh, but nobody likes a lawn

full of dandelions, uncle red.

Or is that just me?

I have no problem

with dandelions.

You can make wine

from dandelions, harold.

Can't make wine

from sod.

I hear you can make

a sod from wine.

Look at

old man sedgwick.

[ laughs ] you never thought

like that before.

You always had a nice lawn,

I thought.

Yeah, but that was before

somebody seized up my lawn mower

and didn't even tell me.

Oh, yeah, well --

well, maybe, maybe,

uncle red,

like, the oil-filler cap

is impossible to find

on that model.

Ever think of that?

Maybe that's why, huh?

Well, harold,

there is no oil-filler cap.

You mix the oil right in

with the gas on that one.

Really?

Oh, well, whoever did it,

I'm sure I'm sorry.

[ film projector clicking ]

red:

Today on "adventures with bill,"

bill has a whole tableful

of knives there.

He's gonna show something

real special tonight.

[ tires screeching ]

oh! Oh!

I got to get those --

I got to get those brakes

looked at on the van there.

I don't like stopping

all that much anyway.

I like going. I'm more of a goer

than a stopper, I guess.

Anyway, well, as I say,

bill had the knives,

and we got the table all set up.

And we got the knives

kind of jammed into her there.

That's the way

he likes to keep them.

He goes through a lot of tables.

And you don't want to have

dinner on that table afterwards.

Your soup keeps

getting lost down to your legs,

which can happen.

Uh, but he's got

quite a collection of knives.

And what?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, okay.

Boy, oh, boy,

he's a dangerous man, that bill.

And he put

these leather strops --

here, he can sharpen -- what?

It's very --

very bizarre

about that, uh, strop.

Like I say,

bill has his own techniques,

and I don't question them...

'cause once I started,

I'd be there forever.

Now he's gonna

put the target up.

[ clears throat ]

this could be a knife

he saw advertised on tv maybe.

I don't know.

He's got her up there...

And...Backs off

exactly eight steps.

Oh!

Well, I guess

he'll make it five.

Yeah, five. Five steps.

And he's all set.

He gets his first knife,

and, uh, watch the way

he handles this.

It's really something.

Like that.

And...

He calls that a perfect hit.

And that was either a high five

or he's drying his deodorant.

I'm not sure.

They're both essential.

And here he goes.

Looks good. Looks good.

Oh!

Yeah, that close.

Yeah, right, right.

But he's just finding the range.

He's actually very, very good

with knives.

[ knife clatters,

cow moos ]

oh, boy.

Lookit! Oh!

Nice catch.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,

oh, boy.

I think bill was with the circus

for quite a while.

And, you know, h-he should think

about going back.

Uh, now I think he's gonna --

oh, nope.

Close? Nope. Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Ooh!

Oh, I thought he had that one.

So, uh, he wanted me

to give it a try.

Not bad.

Another high five there.

I showed him how to do it,

so he thought he'd try

an underhand.

Beauty.

Beauty. Beauty. Beauty.

Super shot.

This is a stunt

using the mirror.

You look until you find

the target in the mirror

and then throw the --

but bill gets sometimes confused

in his motor skills.

That -- oh!

And uh-oh.

Oh! Oh!

[ glass breaking ]

uh, well, I'd already shaved

this year anyway.

And then -- and, and...

And...

And where is it?

Now, this was a real mystery

for a while.

Just couldn't find the knife.

Checked the whole area.

Uh, checked in

behind the shed even.

[ air hissing ]

checked each other.

Bill -- yeah,

I think if it was in my back,

I might have known.

We heard that --

oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, there's the knife.

Yeah, that close, bill.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, here's a high five.

"it is winter.

"on a chilly, cold

new year's day,

"as I walk through the snow

out behind the house,

"I make a new year's resolution.

This year,

we're getting indoor plumbing."

yeah? Okay.

All right,

at this point in the show,

we give harold

a chance to say a few words.

Remember, life

doesn't always make sense.

Go ahead.

Public speaking.

The number-one fear of fears

is -- is speaking in public.

Yeah, well, not like

public speaking to you.

It's like, you know,

you speaking to the public.

Like that.

That's the difference.

Okay, fine.

Well, I got a little trick

for you

that oftentimes

public-speaking people use.

They picture

their audience naked.

[ giggles ]

bare naked!

[ giggles ]

you know, I do that sometimes

even when I'm not

speaking in public.

And you know what --

if you're really good at it,

you can picture

yourself naked, too.

Neat, huh?

And that helps you get rid

of all the nervousness,

and then you just forget

everything,

including

what you're supposed to say.

So what you do is another trick.

You write down all the words

on little 3x5 cards,

and you won't forget.

And they're right there,

but here's a hint --

don't write down exactly

what you want to say because...

Oh, oh.

[ giggles ] oops.

I-I wasn't gonna talk

about public speaking.

I was supposed to talk

about buying a car.

[ giggles ]

we do aim a lot of the material

on this show

towards today's teenagers

because our sponsors regard them

as the future of the country.

That's pretty scary, isn't it?

Now, I'm not

a prejudiced person.

So I'd just like to talk

to any of you teenagers

who are not, you know,

too drugged up or boozed out

or in a juvenile

detention center.

I believe

in "live and let live,"

but what is with those haircuts?

Shaved halfway up the side

or maybe a long piece

hanging down

or you got the initials

carved in up there

or this side up.

I mean, what is that?

I'm not saying

what's right and what's wrong,

but that looks stupid, okay?

And it looks violent.

I saw a kid the other day,

he looked so violent,

I wanted to just...

Smack him one!

I know what you're doing.

You're making a statement about

how you don't approve of adults.

Well, so what?

Maybe you should learn

to be more tolerant.

And smarten up!

Otherwise you're just gonna end

up in the army.

We'll be right back with a lot

more of our special guests

and more

of our regular features

and the exciting conclusion

of the outhouse story.

That might be

one item too many.

That was a really good lunch

you made, uncle red.

Thank you.

Thank you, harold.

What was that orange stuff

on my sandwich?

Well, that's cheese.

That's not cheese.

That's some kind

of cheese.

I've never seen cheese

like that, either.

What is cheese?

Well,

that's a good question.

I -- it's from a cow,

isn't it?

It is.

I think maybe it's like

old, old pats of butter.

And you put them

all together,

and you leave them on the

counter for a couple weeks,

and it turns into cheese.

Well, where's the butter

come from?

That might --

maybe from milk.

You have to leave milk out

for a couple weeks.

So, cheese is just, you're

saying, milk with patience.

Exactly.

And it'll have penicillin,

and patients need penicillin.

Perfect.

Yeah.

I always thought cheese

was kind of a urine product.

Or maybe

that's cheez whiz.

Jack!

Jack!

Come on up here!

I know

you're down there, jack!

What do you want?

Oh, nothing.

We're just, you know --

we thought we'd drop in,

see how it's going, that's all.

I'm fine.

I'm doing fine.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I'm strong.

Yeah.

My body's strong.

My spirits are strong.

And my mind is strong,

jack.

No, no, you're jack.

I'm red.

Okay, sure, fine.

Yeah, well, just --

well, what do you want?

Well, uh, jack, you know,

people are --

they really respect

what you're doing here,

living in the cave,

you know?

But, um, we're kind of wondering

why you're doing this.

Well, the end

of western civilization

is upon us.

I mean, look at all the nut bars

running around.

You know, it's coming.

Yeah.

And I know when.

Well, jack,

if you know when,

why -- why did you

come up here so early?

What?

How -- how do you mean?

Is this a trick?

Don't make me

use this, red!

No, no.

Take it easy, jack.

I'm just saying

that if you knew

exactly when the world

was gonna end,

then why would you come up here

a year and a half early,

you know, to live in a --

in a dark, dingy, wet cave?

It just doesn't make

any sense to me.

Well...

Why would you

do that, hmm?

[ clears throat ]

I know...

I know roughly when --

roughly.

Yeah.

And I wanted

to get settled in.

All right.

You know?

All right, I'll buy that.

I'll buy that.

So, what exactly

is your plan, jack?

Plan?

Yeah, well,

you must have a plan.

I mean, a guy doesn't leave

his home and his family

and walk away from a good-paying

job in an advertising agency,

walk away from everything

he owns and everything he knows

to come

and live in a cave.

And he doesn't do that

unless he has a really good

plan, you know?

[ coughs ]

he doesn't?

Does he?

Does he?

Uh...No.

No.

No, he doesn't.

No, I know.

No, no.

It's crazy to do that.

Right.

So, what's your plan?

Well...

You know, this and that.

I'm playing it by ear.

Oh.

A-a plan isn't gonna be

much good

when the world comes to an end,

if you know what I'm saying.

And it's coming.

You know?

The cold war, the bombs,

the pollution, the taxes.

Oh, uh, actually, jack,

the cold war is over.

And they got rid

of a lot of the bombs.

A lot of the countries

are disarming now.

And I think just about

everybody is working

on the environment,

getting rid

of all that pollution.

Oh?

Yeah.

So, western civilization...

Isn't coming to an end?

I don't think so, no.

Sorry.

Wow.

I guess the world

as we know it isn't...

The world as we know it,

jack.

No, no, no. You're jack.

I'm red.

I'm talking to myself.

Oh.

You know what, jack?

Maybe when everybody heard you

were living up here in the cave,

it brought them all

to their senses.

You know, it's possible.

It might have happened.

Yeah?

Yeah, it could have.

Could?

Yeah.

It could have?

Yeah.

[ laughs ]

well, that's what happened.

That was my plan!

It was?

Don't you s--

well, how could you see?

[ laughs ]

don't feel bad.

The plan was so clever,

it fooled the greatest minds

of our time.

Oh, my gosh.

See, I knew they would end

the cold war.

All right.

You know?

I knew they'd disarm.

I knew they'd start

to clean up the environment.

I knew they'd get rid

of the taxes.

Oh, uh, no, no, jack.

They still have taxes.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, darn!

Ah, the man's a genius.

All right, so, anyways,

just wanted to finish up

the story

about the outhouse blowing up.

Uh, well, old man sedgwick had

been stuffing himself all day

with prunes and beets.

Uncle red,

I mean -- okay,

I know it's your show

and everything,

but I think the outhouse story

is just a cheap laugh.

I mean, I'm thinking

about our audience, you know?

I mean, before

they completely evaporate,

maybe we should just consider

them for a moment.

What about -- what about the

more modern, intelligent viewer?

They're mature.

You know, they're getting

back to earth these days.

Yourself,

weren't you working on

like, a compost-humus

distribution system?

Yeah, well, that was

the "outhouse blowing up" story.

Thanks for ruining it.

All right, well,

if my wife is watching,

I'm gonna come straight home

after the show.

But we're not gonna be able to

put the wallpaper up tonight

'cause moose thompson

ate the paste.

Anyway, until next time,

thank you for watching.

And on behalf of myself

and, um...

Harold.

...And my nephew,

uh, and all the regulars

up here at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.