The Butter Man/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Butter Man

Opening Scene
''{Red stands in the living room of a house decked out for Christmas, holding a box of ornaments in his hands. Nearby is a bare Christmas tree with a stepladder next to it.}''

RED GREEN: You know, for a kid there's nothing more exciting than trimming the old Christmas tree. But after the holidays have gone by forty or fifty times, it's really hard to get up for it without large quantities of alcohol. {gets up on stepladder, holding box} But as every handyman knows, there are two ways to do anything: the right way and the quick way. {turns the fan blades around and puts an ornament on each one} Man, I am so clever.

''{Red continues to put the ornaments on the fan blades. Wipe to a later scene. Red has gotten down off the stepladder and is standing next to the fan controls on the wall.}''

RED GREEN: And now, quicker than you can say "O Tannenbaum", or ask somebody what the heck it means, you've decked your halls.

''{Red turns on the fan, which starts spinning, its blades throwing the ornaments neatly onto the tree. Red smiles in satisfaction.}''

RED GREEN: Ho, ho, ho. {suddenly reacts in alarm} Oh, oh, oh!

{Red ducks down as the ornaments are thrown at him, smashing against the wall.}

Red's Christmas Song
{In the basement, Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * He comes down the chimney on Christmas Eve
 * After we've all gone to bed.
 * He's not all that nice or jolly
 * Until after he's been fed.
 * He's got beady eyes and yellow teeth
 * And his fur drops off when he molts.
 * His tail kinda wiggles and dances and jiggles
 * Like a snake takin' 300 volts!
 * He's Cheesy!

HAROLD GREEN: {singing} Cheesy!

RED GREEN:
 * The Christmas Rat!
 * Long and smelly and pretty darn fat.
 * Cheesy!

HAROLD GREEN: {singing} Cheesy!

RED GREEN:
 * The Christmas Rat!

Dropping a little surprise in your hat.
 * He comes with a gift! You don't have to beg!
 * He's here to give everyone bubonic plague!
 * Cheesy!

HAROLD GREEN: Cheesy!

RED GREEN:
 * The Christmas Rat!
 * And that's why everybody... should have a gun!

RED GREEN: Merry Christmas. {he and Harold nod toward each other}

Handyman Corner
{Red walks along outside the lodge, holding a wrapped present in his hands.}

RED GREEN: You know, Christmas is a time of peace on Earth and good will to men, but nothing wrecks that faster than getting surprised with a crappy gift. Okay, you expect a few crappy gifts. That's what grandparents are for. But it's the surprise that'll kill you. So in keeping with the Christmas spirit. I'm gonna show you how to identify the duds long before you open them. That gives you time to rehearse a big fake smile on the off chance that the gift is from a wealthy relative who senses your disappointment as you hurl it out the window, putting their nose out of joint, and your name outta the will.

''{Red walks up to his worktable. On it are a stethoscope to determine pulse and six sealed beam headlights. Off to the side is a weight scale and some car batteries with jumper cables hooked up to them.}''

RED GREEN: Now, I know you've all tried this one... {shakes present vigorously} Shaking is for amateurs. {sets present down} You're a professional. {puts on stethoscope} We have a gift emergency! Is there a doctor in the house? {puts flat part of stethoscope on present} Big breath and hold. {holds up present and listens for pulse, shaking briefly} Okay, if it doesn't shake at all, it's clothing; big trouble, because nobody ever buys you the right size. Mainly because you lie about your size. Even if it does shake, don't be fooled. {sets present down again} It could be a cardigan with a rock in the pocket. {removes stethoscope} Time to take her to the next level. Now, you wanna check the opaque, translucent transparency quotient of the item. Six sealed beam headlights at close range roughly approximates the intensity of the sun.

''{Red attaches the jumper cables between the headlights and the car batteries. They make a humming sound.}''

RED GREEN: What you're hopin' for is a dark shape in there. If it lets light through, it's a weave, and you know what that means: clothing. {raises index finger} Don't go halfway. Use your high beams.

''{Red pushes a button and the headlights turn on even brighter. He then holds up the present to the lights.}''

RED GREEN: Still don't know? It's time to do something to the gift that you would never do to yourself: weigh it. {turns off headlights and brings out scale} If it weighs a lot for its size, that's a really good sign. Nylon and Dacron aren't heavy. {lifts up present, which is somewhat heavy, and puts it on scale} But if it's got some heft to it, that's gotta be good news, which this gift does. This is getting exciting. {takes a magnet} Now we try the magnet. {sticks it against the present, where it sticks} That's another good sign. Unless it's a pair of pants with a really huge fly. But that's a whole different kind of compliment. {removes magnet} Now we have to test the resistance to compression. {puts present on vise at edge of worktable} See, a sports jacket can be squished into a beret. {starts tightening up vise} But a portable Magellan Roadmate 700? Rock solid. {puts his ear to the present, as if listening for something} What you're listening for is any kind of faint cracking or splintering. If you hear either one of those, you can be sure you've just made the gift very difficult to return.

''{As Red tightens up the present, it starts to crack before glass explodes out the side of the present. Red is startled by the noise. He looks inside the hole that he had made from the explosion and pulls out a memory stick.}''

RED GREEN: Man, it was a laptop! I don't want a laptop. Who would buy me a laptop? {reads tag on present} "To Harold"? {tosses memory stick aside} Boy, that was close.

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older fellas for a minute about your Christmas spirit. Remember when you had some? Back when you were a kid, Christmas was the best time of the year. No school, free stuff, and a fat guy falling down a chimney. What's not to like? But then as you got older, that excitement started to fade, didn't it, eh? You used to love watching It's a Wonderful Life. Then you just got sick of it. Then you started watching it again, except this time you found yourself rootin' for Old Man Potter. Of course, it's no surprise that Christmas gets less exciting for a middle-aged guy. By the end of the day, your wife is cranky from overwork, the tree is dry from under watering, and the kids are on a sugar buzz that won't let up 'til Groundhog Day. But here's the thing: just 'cause you're stressed out, that's no excuse for ruining everybody else's Christmas. So I want you to focus on the good stuff. Your family loves you, you've been blessed with safety and comfort, and most importantly, when you wake up tomorrow, you'll be as far away from next Christmas as you're gonna get all year. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together.

Segue: Winston Rothschild 1
{Winston stands on top of his sewage truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If something's coming down your chimney, and it ain't Santa, {makes a phone shape with his hand} call me.

{The screen blurs as the following words appear, spoken by Winston offscreen...}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

Dalton's Christmas Message
{Dalton walks into a garage that is all decorated for Christmas.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: I want to say a few words to the yuletide Pollyannas out there. {suddenly holds up hands defensively} Oh, now, don't get me wrong. You know, as a store owner, I'm a big fan of Christmas. {chuckles} I just have a slight problem with all those people who feel that everybody should put on a happy face. {shrugs in confusion} I don't have a happy face. It's not that I'm not happy. {smiles and laughs heartily} I'm coping! {laughs} You know, I didn't smile at my wedding. That didn't mean I was upset. I'm sure at the time marrying Anne-Marie seemed like a fine idea. So don't expect me to get all giddy just because it's– it's Christmas, you know. Those people with their big, phony happy faces are just extremely annoying, you know. And as far as I'm concerned, those carolers, they're just asking for it. So this Christmas, let's all just back off a notch, shall we? {waves} Merry Christmas. {turns to leave}

Plot Segment 3
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

yeah.

Thanks very much.

Appreciate that.

All the best

of the holiday season.

Don't burn yourself

on your credit card.

I'm pretty excited coz I got a

great christmas gift for harold.

Harold's not just

hard to buy for.

He's hard to want

to buy for.

[ chuckles ]

but he's driving up

to his parents' place,

and he's so useless

on directions

that I got him one of these

talking navigational systems.

I programmed in

the destination.

Listen to this...

Robotic voice:

Go north on #4 side road

12.7 kilometers --

[ chuckles ]

I got a real deal

on this baby.

No box, no warranty,

no store.

I bought it from mike.

Yeah, the price was right.

When the cops went by,

he cut that in half.

I can't wait to give

this to harold.

Uncle red! Uncle red!

Yeah, yeah, harold,

you know what?

I can't wait to give

you this gift.

Here you go.

Yeah, but it's

not christmas yet.

I know, but this

is something you can

start using right now.

Oh, okay!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Well,

here's your gift.

It's something you can

use right away as well.

Oh, great.

Fantastic!

Holy mackerel!

Look at the size of the

instruction manual.

[ unenthusiastic ]

oh, it's a book.

But not just

any book.

Look at the title.

"the butter man"?

"the better man."

oh.

It's to help you create

stability in your life.

Oh, great, great.

Great.

Oh! Oh!

Yeah.

Oh, lookit!

I've wanted one

of these for so long!

Oh -- what is that?

Just push the

red button, harold.

The red button?

Robotic voice:

Quack!

No, no,

try it again.

Oh.

Robotic voice:

Quack!

Gimme that.

Okay.

Robotic voice:

Quack!

Quack! Quack! Quack!

[ quacking continues ]

you might wanna start

with chapter 4...

[ laughter and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives this coupon

for a free box of

tinsel from tinsel town.

The only store that

sells only tinsel

all year round.

Don't forget

our tinsel slogan...

"how's it hangin'?"

okay, ed,

cover your ears.

Mr. Green, you've got

30 seconds to get ed frid

to say this word...

Yeah,

all right, mike.

And... Go!

Uh, okay, ed,

you find this under the tree.

Squirrel droppings.

No, no, no, you find this

under the christmas tree

on christmas morning.

Aunt helen.

No, okay, okay, ed,

what do you always

get at christmas?

Oh, hives.

Okay, no, um...

This is red and green

in colour and has a bow.

Robin hood?

No, uh -- okay,

when you go

shopping at the mall,

what do you get?

Bored.

Um, ed,

remember a year ago?

What was your girlfriend

hiding from you?

Her other boyfriends.

Ahem, we're almost

outta time, mr. Green.

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Ed, remember when you

were a kid at christmas?

All you wanted to know is,

when are we opening the...

Cages!

No, no, I mean you'd come down

on christmas morning,

your eyes would be

wide open and you'd say,

wow! Look at all the...

Rats!

From the cages.

And I could really yell.

My voice had a lot of presence.

There we go!

If something's coming down

your chimney and it

ain't santa,

call me.

okay, I've got

harold's navigational

device working like a charm.

He must have been

pressing the wrong button.

Check this out.

Robotic voice: You are

approaching dead man's curve.

Uncle red!

Yep?

I found your book

in the outhouse.

Yeah, I know.

I thought that was

the perfect spot for it.

Oh no, you're right.

Staples.

You know, I don't think you

have the christmas spirit.

I sure do.

In fact, I'm offering you

the possum van to drive up

to your parents' place.

Oh, no, no, no, thanks.

I'm renting a car.

Yeah, but I'm trying

to save you a few

dollars here.

Yes, but I want

to get there.

And you will,

harold,

with the

navigational wizard.

Here. Press the red

button this time.

Robotic voice:

You are a dead man.

[ laughter and applause ]

red: Well, harold and walter

had put a nice little

christmas display

with the reindeer

and the sleigh.

Just waiting for bill to

come on and see what he

thought of it.

Hmm.

I don't think he noticed.

I don't think he did

that on purpose.

And when they pointed it out

to him he felt real bad.

Real -- oh my goodness.

You killed santa.

So he's an idea, though.

He hands him the extension

cord and he's gonna --

I think --

you know, bill's

not a bad guy.

He would try to --

try to replace what he'd --

he has a washing machine.

I don't quite under--

but bill's --

oh, there goes santa again.

So, uh, bill hops out,

and I don't quite know

what he's got in mind here.

Walter's pointing out

about the santa and so on.

Bill -- oh, I see.

He brought some

christmas lights.

They're a little tangled,

but uh, harold's very, very

good with untangling.

Wow. Unbelievable.

So that's a little heavier

than she looks there, bill.

I don't think

you're gonna --

no, no, bill,

don't be doing that.

And bill remembers he's

got the big string --

uh, the big spring on

the hood release and --

oh, look out!

Oh, oh!

So, santa took

the hit again.

Walter duct taped

santa together.

This is the third time he's

blown up santa

and he's getting

a little woozy

so he comes over

to the wa --

now, easy now.

Settle down, settle down.

Into the --

just into the --

oh, oh oh. Oh.

Duct tape.

There you go.

So harold goes over

to plug the lights in,

and he plugs them in there,

and look at that.

That looks great.

I don't know what

the other wire's for.

Hey that looks

real good, real good.

So now we go back to

finish the display.

I'm not sure that -- oh!

Okay, we're good.

I'm not sure that filling

the santa with propane

was plan "a",

but all right.

Oh, okay, so the

washing machine is the sleigh.

I see. I see.

All right.

And what are these?

Jumper cables, these --

for what reason do we have

jumper cables here?

Maybe -- oh, okay.

These are the reins.

These are the reins

for the reindeer.

Wait a minute.

You got it on your

terminal there, bill.

Okay, so now --

but where are the reindeer?

You can't have

reins without reindeer.

Okay, okay, so the garden

gnomes are the reindeer.

All right, okay.

I got you.

Okay, so we --

all right --

boy, I tell you, are they

going to pay attention.

Okay, so -- okay, I got it.

Santa's got the reins.

Okay, looking good.

And harold's got

to plug in the lights.

And she's looking good.

Now that is a good-looking --

then he picks up the --

now that's the agitator

plug, harold.

I don't think --

harold, I don't think --

harold. Harold?

Oh, oh.

Oh, boy.

Well, you better not pout,

you better not cry,

santa claus is

coming to town.

[ applause ]

look familiar?

My wife hates

this mess we always get

after we open our

christmas presents.

She says that every time

she crosses the room,

she's got to worry about

breaking something I gave her,

and then she

can't return it.

Now, sure, I could pick

this stuff up by hand

and recycle it

I guess.

But, hey, I got a

vacuum cleaner for christmas,

not a work ethic.

Now, you're supposed to put

a bag in the canister

of the unit,

but for this job,

we're going to let

the bag out of the vac.

The only other thing

you have to do

is position it a little bit

better in your room

so that the output

is pointing right

at the fireplace.

Then laying your fingers

upon your new hose

just aim at the crap,

and up the

chimney she goes.

By the way,

this idea's also great

for making certain

other things disappear.

Like, say, that sweater

harold bought me.

Acrylic.

[ applause ]

christmas is my favourite

day of the year.

It's a time for renewal

and forgiveness,

a time for reflection,

to think about all the things

you've done in your past,

you want to go back

and change some of them,

you won't get

caught next time.

But you can't undo the past,

so you must learn from it.

For example, you can learn

that security cameras

are often hooked up to more

than one machine at

the same time.

So when you

pull the tape out

and then you start

making faces

and making rude gestures

at the camera,

it's not always a prudent

behavioral choice.

But mainly christmas

is about people.

It's not about

the presents you get

and then you offer to give

back for a reduced sentence.

It's about good friends

spending time together

in a safe, warm place.

And that's what a wish for

each and every one of you,

to spend the time

of christmas together.

It's just like the song says...

"for the holidays,

"you just can't beat

home sweet home."

merry christmas.

[ applause ]

looking for that last-minute

stocking stuffer?

How about sewage?

Introducing a gift certificate

for one free pump-out

for your favourite loved one.

It's the gift

that keeps on sucking.

Trying to fix the wiring in

harold's navigational

unit here.

It's a little tricky

when you've got no manual,

no wiring diagram

and no formal training

of any kind.

But it seems to me a bad

connection in the power supply

to this circuit board here.

Well, you're

easy to find.

Where there's smoke,

there's uncle red.

Uh, harold, uh,

is there anything else you

wanted for christmas?

Oh, no.

No, that's lots.

How about yourself?

Would you like something

other than the book?

No, no, no.

The book is great.

Really?

Oh yeah.

It's brought stability

to my life.

You're welcome.

I tell you what,

harold.

I'm offering to drive

up with you to your

parents' place,

and I'll make

sure you get there.

Well, actually,

I'm taking bonnie with me.

I want her to meet

my parents, you know.

And she's good with maps,

and she's not bossy,

and she smells good.

You know, but the best part

is that you offered.

No, the best part is

I don't have to go.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead, harold.

I'll be right down.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And I don't need any

navigational system

to find my way.

I'm a homer.

And I'm hoping

to hit a homer.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

Oh behalf of myself, harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

have a great christmas

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ whistles and applause ]

sit down.

Have a seat.

Sit down. Sit down.

There you go.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

Okay men, I want you to enjoy

the holiday season,

but I'm asking you to use

a little restraint.

Don't be making

a fool of yourself

by eating too much or drinking

way too much at christmas.

That's what the

superbowl is for!

Merry christmas, guys.

Merry christmas.

Mike: Merry christmas,

everybody.

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com