Big Guy Little Guy

Red tries to resist Harold's persuasion of him to join a "big guy little guy" club... until he learns that it will include a soapbox derby. So Harold tries to find Red a kid to partner with Red for the race.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Adventures With Bill, Red's Advice To Teenagers

DVD: The Red Green Show – 1997 Season

Transcript
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a scene in the lodge: Red is holding up a trophy while Harold stumbles around, covered bike pieces. Red waves dismissively.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few scenes from this week's show.

{Cut to Red at Sparky Hoover's radio tower.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We got the usual stuff. Got a new guy there! New guy for you to meet. And of course, you got the...

''{Cut to a butterfly perched on the ball hitch of the Possum Van. Bill brings a butterfly net down on it. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera, but the van then pulls away, with the net still on the hitch and dragging Bill along with it.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...Adventure film. That's usual, and, uh... Oh, don't worry. We're still spinning our wheels here.

{Cut to a car slightly tipped up and its back wheels spinning futilely as Red tries to drive it away.}

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, my Uncle Joe was a handsome man,
 * With his icy cold blue eyes.
 * But the thing that made him different,
 * My Uncle Joe was covered with flies.
 * Oh, Uncle Joe had lots of flies,
 * Zooming 'round his head.
 * I've seen other things with more flies on 'em,
 * But most of them were dead.
 * Oh, Uncle Joe was a wild, wild man.
 * He'd drink homemade beer by the dozen.
 * Does he act that way because of the flies,
 * Or is it Uncle Joe the one with the buzz on?

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Want to talk to you older guys about something that women do better than us, other than shave their legs, and that is talk. You know, when a guy gets mad, his vocabulary will shift down to the four-letter words: dang, shucks, gosh. You know, and it's even worse when kids aren't around. But when a woman gets ticked off, she comes up with expressions and phrases that would put Shakespeare to shame. Now, scientists tell us that women actually have more space in their brain for verbal skills. But guys, I got the great equalizer, two words that will stop any argument cold in its tracks: "Yes, dear". Oh, yeah, she says a sentence that kinda goes up at the end, two out of three times, "Yes, dear" is the perfect answer. Or you get a long pause... {pauses} in a conversation, you just drop "Yes, dear" right in there. But listen, never use "Yes, dear" if her sentence starts, "You know what your problem is?". {points at camera deliberately} Now, I know some guys prefer total silence as a response, but I don't recommend it, because to have total silence, you have to be all alone, and that's exactly what happens. So "Yes, dear" is bad enough in person. It's much worse over the phone and a lot more expensive through your lawyer. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Red's Advice To Teenagers
''{Red is outside the lodge, wearing a yellow slicker. He bends over a snowplow blade attached to a pickup truck in an open garage.}''

RED GREEN: {standing upright} I want to talk to you teenagers who've played the video games and the computer games, because you may be ready for the ultimate 3D experience. {holds up his arms} It's called reality. Huh? Reality comes with its own hardware. {taps pickup truck hood} And software. {taps snowplow; starts walking} And it's fully compatible with you. {wipes hands together; walks into garage} Now, see, the idea of the game is, {shakes hands around} you work yourself around this place called Earth, hoping that you don't screw up so bad that you embarrass yourself or your friends. Take it from me, it's a lot harder than it sounds. {looks at a green riding mower in garage} Anyway, I thought I'd give you a few tips, maybe help you get to the advanced levels, all right? {walks on} You know all those video characters in the video games, when they get blown to bits, they just kinda bounce right back? {holds up index finger} You don't want to be trying that in reality. {nods} Makes for a short game. {walks up to another snowplow blade attached to another pickup truck} And you know on the video games there, it's easy to recognize the bad guys? {picks up a crowbar} Well, see, now, in reality, sometimes, the bad guys are good and the good guys are bad. So don't be shooting, stabbing or laser-blasting anybody, because you might need their help before the game's over. And of course, now, you can– you can save the video games, can't ya? Try again. Reality doesn't have a save button. Although it does have a little wrinkle called consequences. {walks back over to first snowplow} Reality's a good game. You might want to try it sometime, {bends down in front of snowplow blade} but let me warn ya: it's expensive. {places crowbar over blade}