The Fishing Derby (season 11 episode)/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, we get real cold

winters up at the lodge,

and the challenge is trying to

keep the place warm enough

to support human life.

But I've got

a better idea.

You know, instead of

cranking up the thermostat

or clear-cutting a forest

just so you can keep cosy,

the truth is you don't have

to heat the whole building.

You don't even have

to heat the whole room.

All you have to

heat is your own body.

That's what

the astronauts do.

So let's be like astronauts.

Get yourself one of

these big garment bags.

I don't need this.

I don't have clothes

I don't wear.

Then all you gotta do is cut

yourself a couple of arm

and leg holes.

Okay, we're all

systems go.

Now I just plug in my hair

dryer, which is set on high,

and I'll be laughing.

Don't you wish you were?

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate that.

Well, it's a big week

at the lodge this week.

Harold is putting

on a fishing derby.

He's putting a prize

fish into possum lake,

and whoever catches it

gets 1,000 bucks.

I mean, this'll be the biggest

influx of cash at the lodge

since we took

back our empties.

Uncle red!

Can you help me out?

I gotta tag the prize fish.

Wow!

That's her, eh?

Heavy!

What is it anyway?

Can you just tag it for me

so I can release it into

possum lake?

Harold, what kind of

jelly arms do you have?

Can't you just

hold it with one hand

and tag it

with the other?

Well, yeah -- no! No! No!

No, I can't.

Alex! Alex!

What do you want

me to do, harold?

I just want you to get the tag

and the crimping tool

out of my pocket.

Yes.

This pocket here?

Is that the tag?

No, that's my caramel

chewy candy.

Aren't they?

Those are good,

I like those.

You eat a fair number

of them, don't you?

Maybe up top.

Try up top.

Got it?

I got the tag, but there's

no crimping tool.

Oh, it's in my

pants pocket.

No, harold, harold.

I'll do it by hand.

Just bring the

fish over here.

Hold her still!

Hold her still!

He knows

you're coming!

[ both talking at once ]

ow! Ow! Ow!

Look what you did!

Look what you did!

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner receives

a coupon for a free

vegetable waxing

from inga's house

of rubbing.

Come on in and have

inga polish your turnip.

Winners must be

18 years of age or older.

Okay, dalton,

cover up your ears.

Red, you have 30 seconds to

get dalton humphrey to

say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And go!

Okay, dalton, when

you're really good,

you get to go here.

The bedroom.

Where do the saints go?

Marching in?

No, this starts with

"h," okay?

It's a movie.

Something can wait.

Husbands.

Okay, dalton, where do you

want to go when you die?

Florida.

Okay, red, you're

almost outta time.

Dalton, this is a place where

people get to spend eternity.

The senate.

No, no, no.

Where does god live?

Well, not in my

neighbourhood.

The whole area stinks

to high heaven.

There we go!

You did it!

[ ♪ ]

you know, in the last

few years a lot of people

have given up

on saving the world

or trying to be a successful

business person

or a good parent

and are concentrating

instead on trying to make

a decent cup of coffee.

You start with a blend

of coffee beans from the

south american mountains

that have picked up

a little extra flavour

from the sweat of

the donkey's back.

And then they grind them

all up in one of these

fancy noise makers.

What the heck?

Oh. Wondered where

that wrench got to.

Then they take the

ground up coffee beans,

put them into

this special pot,

add some water in there

and boil that all up.

Then they take one

of these plunger units

goes down inside there and you

squeeze all of the flavour

out of the coffee.

Odd to see a plunger

on the input side of the

equation, isn't it?

And then they have

their cup of coffee.

But maybe you can't afford all

of these special appliances.

Maybe you've already spent

your disposable income

on college tuition or bail.

You need a cheaper way

to make coffee.

All you need is a lawn mower

with a grass catcher on it.

Then what you do is you

take your coffee beans

and you make a pile of them on

some smooth, hard surface,

like a paved driveway

or a sidewalk

or the roof of your car.

Then you set the blade

as low as she'll go,

and give the beans

a quick buzz.

I'm sure they'll return

the favour later.

Okay, now we take

our coffee grounds,

pour them into

our coffee pot.

And then comes

the best part...

Plunging.

That's because we don't

have to do it by hand.

The piston and cylinder of an

internal combustion engine

uses exactly the

same mechanical principles

as a coffee plunger.

But wait a second.

Let me put my coffee mug

under the exhaust pipe first.

The coffee'll go through

this thing pretty fast.

We've all been there,

haven't we?

All right, now you just

pour the coffee into

the carburator.

Pour it slow.

If you stall this thing,

it's pig to get her

going again.

Another bonus of this is

you can say to your guests,

"who wants

'mower' coffee?"

get it?

Mower.

And here's

another bonus...

With the carbon monoxide

mixed in there,

this coffee won't

keep you awake.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ applause ]

♪ ]

you know, as I get older,

I find a lot things in life

kind of follow

a similar pattern.

For example, my wife and I

just come up to our

35th anniversary,

and it seems to me that

marriage is like

a long game of poker.

Some days you have the cards

and some days you don't.

So you gotta learn how

to be a good loser

and occasionally how

to be a gracious winner.

Mainly, you gotta

know how to bluff.

You gotta know

when to press your luck

and when to head

for the hills.

You know, it's like

that kenny rogers song.

Although, after

five or six marriages,

he's obviously better

at folding them

than he is at holding them.

But the main objective is

to keep putting your

ante in there

every hand, every day.

It's just a game after all,

and it will get better.

A full house usually starts

out as just a pair.

So you just hang in there.

Play the hand you're dealt.

You know that she's gonna

ultimately win the pot,

but you know, if you play

your cards right,

she may buy you

something frilly.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

well, we've been out there

fishing for four hours,

and nobody has caught

the prize fish.

In fact, nobody's

caught any fish.

I think the only thing living

in possum lake is our bait,

and I don't like its chances,

to be honest with you.

Uncle red, did you

wanna talk to me?

Yeah, harold, I was

looking at the rules,

and I have a couple

of questions for you.

Did you pay the

$10 entrance fee?

Harold, I just said

I have a question.

You don't respond

with another question.

That's very, very,

very disrespectful.

Sorry. Sorry.

So did you pay

the $10 entrance fee?

I'm good for it,

harold, okay?

When I catch the

$1,000 fish,

just give me

$990 of it.

Okay, now,

in the rules here

it doesn't limit

the fishermen to use

any special kind of bait or

fishing rod or anything.

No, we've left that up

to the individual

fishermen,

as long as he's paid

the $10 entrance fee.

Okay, so I can catch

this fish any way I want?

No, no,

not you.

As soon as you pay

the $10 entrance fee --

all right!

All right!

Then if you take

my ten bucks,

then any way I wanna

catch this fish

is fair game,

is that right?

Yeah, okay,

fine.

Okay, great.

Great. Great.

Now, harold, remember you had

that badminton tournament?

You had all those geeky kids

from the computer school?

Was that not great?

Was that not great?

We had 25 games of badminton

going on at the same time.

You wanna talk

exciting?

That was

badminton there.

Oh, yeah.

Everybody had a bird.

I'm just wondering

what you did

with the badminton

equipment when you

were done.

Oh, I just put it in the

attic of the boat house.

Great.

Thanks, harold.

You be careful

with those rackets.

They were expensive.

I'm not gonna use

the rackets.

The nets.

The nets!

Uncle red,

no, not nets!

Don't you hate it when you're

driving in heavy traffic

in the winter

and you run out of

windshield washer fluid?

The wipers won't do a thing

with no moisture on there.

So you end up tailgating

tractor trailers

trying to catch

their vapour trail.

I've been known to lean out

my window at 75 clicks

just to throw coffee

on my windshield.

Well, that's never going to

happen to me again,

because, friends,

you have just witnessed

the last refill I'm ever

going to have to make.

From now on, I'm going to

recycle my washer fluid.

That's what this

funnel's for.

"how's that gonna work?"

you're probably asking,

among other things.

Well, I'll tell you

how it's going to work.

Can you say eaves trough?

[ applause ]

hi, gord.

On your way to

a sanity hearing?

No, no.

Not yet.

But this is

perfect.

I found an old

book of magic tricks,

and I need a volunteer.

Sit down.

You're not gonna

tie me up, are you?

C'mon, red.

C'mon.

You know I'm not allowed

rope up here anymore.

Now, pick a card.

Don't show me

what it is.

Memorize it,

all right?

Okay, now put it

back in the deck.

Okay, done.

Now, I mix the

deck up a little bit.

Now, prepare to be amazed as

I turn over the next card

to reveal your

jack of spades.

No.

Well, then it's

a queen of diamonds.

No.

Community chest.

You have no idea,

do you gord?

C'mon, red, lighten up.

It's an old

magician's gag.

Make the audience believe you

don't know what you're doing.

Boy, does it

ever work.

Oh, well, have you seen

what's underneath my hat?

Okay, all right,

that's a rabbit.

Oh, is it, red?

Is it a rabbit?

Okay,

that's flowers.

Oh, flowers.

You think it's flowers?

That's annoying.

Oh, well, then allow me to

lend you my handkerchief.

Okay, gord, this is

not how it works.

You don't just keep

changing the trick.

You finish the trick

that you started with.

That's how the

whole deal works.

You're right.

Who am I kidding?

I'm not a magician.

I'm a loser.

My life is

just a big pile of

unfulfilled dreams,

missed opportunities

and the occasional

restraining order.

I don't blame you

for not liking me.

Well, no, it's not

that I don't like you.

It's just I wanted to

see my two of clubs.

Oh, well, you mean

this two of clubs?

Yeah!

Yeah, that's it!

Way to go.

Way to go.

There's more

where that came from.

Red: Mike and I met out on the

rink there behind the lodge

to have a little

game of curling,

and we brought our rocks,

as we always do.

And the brooms were like new

because they were for

cleaning the lodge.

And mike had brought

a gallon of paint.

He wanted me to

go up and --

in curling they

have something that's

called a house.

It's got a dot in the middle

and has rings around

the outside.

Sometimes it's tough to

figure out how to

paint a circle,

especially on the ice.

But luckily I had come with

an eaves trough nail

in my pocket.

So I punctured that

through the can of paint.

And flipped her over.

Flipper her over quick.

And there's your circle.

Okay, that's the

dot in the middle.

Now you gotta just

bring her out

and you start doing

the rings with it.

And around and

around she goes.

It's a pretty

effective way to --

and before you know it,

you think they put houses up

fast where you live,

I built that one

in about two seconds.

Okay, so now we're

ready to go,

so mike takes --

he plays lead.

But we have kind

of small teams.

You gotta do your

own sweeping,

and he's out there

and away he goes.

I wasn't paying as much

attention as I should have,

because mike doesn't

do everything by the

book, you know.

So now I gotta throw in

my takeout rock

and I'm pretty familiar with

takeout, as a general rule,

but I didn't quite get --

all right, I missed.

So now mike fires

another one in there

and he gets the

sweeper going.

And here again, uh, I think

I needed someone else

or some type of a referee

because mike is just getting

flagrant with the way

he's cheating,

as far as I'm concerned.

So I figure I gotta go

to the next level.

Forget the rock.

I'm gonna push my car.

That should take out --

this is actually my

takeout car.

Here we come.

Looking good.

That one's out.

And that one's gone.

Oh, baby!

Dead centre!

So then mike,

he fires his in.

He gives it a

little spin.

And he's gonna try

to curl her in there.

Oh, look out.

Look out!

Oh, baby!

And oh, my gosh.

You get the big

win there, mike.

Looks like your end

came through again.

How's your end

feeling anyway?

Not that good.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

this is the repair shop

part of the show

we call, if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

So, mike, what have

you got for us today?

It's a car radio

that doesn't work.

Well, I figured

that, mike.

You know, this is great

because with electronic

equipment,

there's actually a

step-by-step procedure

that a real handyman

goes through, okay?

Step one:

Turn her on.

Well, shouldn't it have a

power source or something?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

Step minus one:

Plug her in.

Well, it's a car radio.

It doesn't have a plug.

It kinda connects up

to the battery.

Yeah, of course.

I got one here.

You know what threw

me off, mike?

That's a very fancy radio.

I've never seen

one like that before.

Is that a

foreign unit?

It's made in texas.

Well,

there you go.

Oh, look.

The light came on.

Yeah, well, that's about

as far as I got too.

Did you try turning it off

then right back on again?

Yeah, I did that.

Did you

jiggle it?

Uh-huh.

Did you try

hitting it?

Yep.

Did you try

turning it off

and letting it

just sit for ten minutes

and then every 20

seconds you went back

and did the same darned

routine all over again?

About a dozen

times, yeah.

Well, I think we're

scuppered here, mike.

The only other alternative

is to look at the manual,

and I'm not gonna

be going there.

We're done.

Well, shouldn't it have a

speaker attached to it?

Well, probably --

I was just --

I was just

coming to that.

We're going to hook the

speaker up to it now, mike.

That's the next --

that was --

okay, the speaker.

How many of you

were ahead of us on that?

Bull.

[ radio static ]

oh, we're getting

something.

Yeah.

Come in, rangoon.

[ radio stations changing ]

roger, sergeant.

We copy.

Sounds like

the cops.

Be on the lookout for a

suspect carrying a

police scanner.

Okay, thanks, mr. Green.

I gotta go.

You know, one of

the hazards of winter

is getting too much snow

built up on your roof.

You can have an avalanche

just coming out your own

front door.

And believe me, it's a

real shock to the system

to suddenly have 30 pounds of

snow show up in your

undershorts.

Now, for big mountains

like they have in switzerland

or on the waltons,

they control the

amount of snow build-up

by firing off a cannon.

The explosion breaks up

all the snow drifts

so they kinda roll

down the hill

without turning any

cross-country skiers

into frosted flakes.

They basically have a

bunch of small avalanches

to avoid having a big one,

like the way you have those

small daily disagreements

with your wife

to avoid having

the big one

where you end up

living in your car.

Now, unfortunately, I can't

fire a cannon to get the

snow off my roof

because the lodge cannon

apparently will not

be returning to us

until after the trial.

So instead I'm going to make

a cannon-like noise

by filling my engine

here with hairspray.

Guys my age don't

need hairspray anyway.

Unless there's paint in it.

All we do now

is start the engine

and let nature

take its course.

[ engine turning over ]

[ applause ]

boy, those badminton

nets work great.

I believe I caught

my limit.

It's disgusting.

It's supposed to

be a fishing derby

not a salvage

expedition.

Harold, when you're

in a contest,

you gotta use

your ingenuity.

I'm a creative guy.

You're a

destructive guy.

You ever hear of

sportsmanship?

Do you think this is what

the greeks had in mind

when they developed

the olympics?

Well, now,

harold, you know

the greeks used to

compete nude.

I don't think that would work

so good for a fishing derby.

Bad place

to snag a lure.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, don't do that!

You know what

I'm talking about.

You're trying

to win by cheating.

Yeah, well, thankfully

all you ended up doing

was cleaning

up the lake.

And since there

was no actual winner,

we're gonna take

the prize money,

and we're gonna re-stock

it with healthy fish.

Wait a sec.

What do you

mean no winner?

Take a look at this.

That's my caramel candy.

Thank you very much.

No, no, no.

This is what I meant.

Does that look

familiar?

Okay, well,

that's the tag,

but there's no actual

fish on there.

I knew you were

gonna say that.

Take a look at

that picture.

What do you

see there?

Where'd you

take that?

Up on the bridge.

The fish jumped

out of possum lake,

ran across the bridge,

and dove into mercury --

see that caribou?

He was stopping traffic.

So let's cough up

the thousand bucks, huh?

You don't get

the prize money.

You didn't bring

in the actual fish.

I brought in a

picture of the fish.

That's close enough.

Now, come on.

Okay. All right.

Okay, well,

congratulations.

No, no, harold.

I want my money.

Well, that's a picture

of a thousand bucks.

Close enough.

[ applause ]

[ possum squealing ]

oh, and it's

meeting time.

Okay, if my wife is watching,

I'll be straight home

after the meeting.

And somebody got

that saying wrong.

Okay, a picture's worth

1,000 words,

but they're

four-letter words.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ applause ]

come to order here.

Find your seats.

Everybody sit down.

Sit down, everybody.

Sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the men's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Okay, men, we managed to

dredge up an old snowmobile

out of possum lake.

Looks like it's been down

there a couple or seasons

or maybe more.

Is there anybody here who's

dropped a snowmobile

through the ice in the

last five years?

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com