The Fishing Derby (season 9 episode)/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

All you fathers out

there know what it's like

when you try to get your

teenagers to do a bit

of yard work.

They can't trim the hedges

for more than five minutes

without takin' a break.

I'll tell you what,

I've come up with a way to

keep your teenagers in gear

without havin' to

keep an eye on 'em.

We've all seen these

motion detectors.

Well, I've wired

this one up backwards.

It's a lack

of motion detector.

See, as long

as there's motion,

the light goes off.

As soon as there's

no motion,

the light comes on.

Now, a light goin'

on or off

is gonna have no effect

on your teenager.

If they don't respond

to a sunrise,

a 60-watt bulb isn't

gonna impress 'em.

So what we're

gonna do is

we're gonna

unplug this lamp

and plug in a prerecorded

tape that plays on this

cassette player.

Then all you do is

aim the motion detector

at your teenager,

and as long as he's movin',

everything's fine.

But the minute he

stops ...

Hey what are you

doin' sittin' around?

Get back to work.

You call that effort?

Get off your duff.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Bit of a setback,

actually, this week.

This is the annual

possum lake fishing derby,

and so far, nobody's

caught any fish.

And I'll tell ya,

if that keeps up, uh,

we're not gonna be able

to give away the great prize.

Second prize is a bus

ticket to port asbestos.

And if you win

the first prize,

they make it round trip.

But, uh, so far, like I say,

there's been no winners.

So I think they should

change the rules.

I think they should give the

prize to the guy with the

biggest lure.

Red, red.

Look, look, look.

Look what I caught.

Wow.

Wow, that's

a beauty.

Is that

a blowfish?

17 pounds!

See, I think the fishin' derby

should be for the heaviest

thing you can catch.

Doesn't have

to be fish.

No.

Could be a snowmobile

or a stove.

I got a better idea,

mr. Green.

It should be a

living thing to win.

If can't be a fish,

it should be

something else alive.

Like a swimmer?

No, like a plant

or a tree.

Oh, man.

I snagged

this beauty

in mercury creek,

down by the bridge.

Yeah, that's when half

the santa claus parade

went off the bridge

and fell into the lake.

They call those

things floats.

[ laughter ]

oh, wait a second.

That's not living,

that's artificial, mike.

That won't work.

Well, we gotta come up

with a better way

to catch fish.

We could drag a big net

from one end of the lake

to the other, right.

Where we gonna get

a net that size?

The tennis club.

They don't lock

that gate.

No, look, the trouble

is there isn't any fish.

I think maybe we should

just test the water

in the lake.

You know what

we could do, eh?

We could drain

the whole thing, huh?

Hook all our cars

up there,

drop the rad hoses

in by the boat ramp,

start up the engines,

make that puppy

as dry as a martini

huh?

See, I think we should

test the water in the lake.

You know, I've heard that if

you fire off a big charge of

dynamite under water,

you can fish with

a pitchfork.

[ laughter ]

I'm gonna go test

the water in the lake.

Cleaning out your eavestroughs

is something you should do

on an annual basis.

No matter how many trees

I blow up, I still get

leaves in 'em.

And dirt and sticks,

little chunks

of my propane tank.

So here's an easy way

to clean em' out.

You borrow a hunk of hose

from a local building.

You might want to hose

down the building

for safety.

Then you attach

the nozzle

to the bottom part of the

downspout on your eavestrough

with the explosives

enthusiast's secret weapon,

duct tape.

You know, I think it was

sir isaac newton john who said,

whatever goes down

must go up,

if you got enough

water pressure.

[ cranking sound ]

oh, yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

I'll have those p & l

statements ready for the

audit, for you by about,

oh, three o'clock.

Noon?

Noon, yeah,

oh, noon's easy.

I can do noon, sure.

Yeah.

Gum?

Hm-mm, it's grape.

It's like bubbalicious,

but it's not.

You know what it is?

You know what it is?

Gone.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

It's gone.

It's gone, alrighty.

Yeah, I can do

that for you.

Noon's not a problem, sir.

Alrighty.

Okay, you bet --

you have a good day too.

Harold.

Ow!

Pressure gettin'

to ya, harold?

No, no.

Ah, no.

I love this job.

It's just the greatest.

Look at this,

uncle red.

I'm an assistant

account executive.

Oh, yeah, I see that.

An account executive, eh?

How many accounts

do you have, harold?

None.

So you're a no account

executive, huh.

Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, well,

don't you worry,

I'm gettin' there.

Everybody says I have what it

takes to be a financial advisor.

Is that a complement,

you think?

Uncle red,

I know you mean well,

but I'm not coming

back to the lodge.

Oh, I'm not coming

back to the lodge.

I got this job,

I like it,

and I'm good at it.

Yeah, well, I just don't want

you to get hurt, that's all.

You insult me so

I won't get hurt?

Harold, this is the big city.

People will take

advantage of you,

harold, all right?

I want you to be

treated fairly.

Uncle red, I make

$1200 a week.

What do you mean

when you say a week.

Um-m-m, a week.

$1200 a week.

And they pay me

every week.

Harold -- harold, uh, this is

a big adjustment for me.

I think I'm going to

have to go home now, harold.

Oh, well, I understand.

Thank you very much for coming

to check up on me.

You drop by

any time you like.

Yeah, okay, harold.

Thanks.

Oh, harold I can't

move my foot.

Oh, no,

is it a stroke?

No, looks like gum.

Parking lots can be

frustrating, can't they?

Either you can't

find a spot at all,

or then you do get one, by the

time you get back to your car,

somebody has boxed you in.

Maybe the guy's spot you took.

Or maybe the parking lot owner

gettin' back at you for not

paying the last time.

Well, today, I'm going to show a

fast, cheap, unembarassing way

to get into or out of

a tight parking spot.

First thing you need...

Your spare.

Now, your spare might be flat.

Doesn't matter,

it'll work just as good.

And then you need a jack,

but you don't want

this kind of jack.

You want the hydraulic type.

They have a little

more lifting power.

'cause we're not just gonna be

lifting one end of the vehicle.

But, hey, I'm getting

way ahead of myself.

All right, I've got

two jacks,

that means I can open.

[ chuckling ]

next thing you wanna do

is horse the back seat

outta there.

[ grunting ]

all right.

Hit it.

Now, you may notice with

that particular method of

removing the seat,

there is a certain amount of

damage to the floor area,

but that gaping hole in

there is gonna come in

real handy later.

But I'm gettin' way

ahead of myself.

Okay, first thing

we gotta do now

is mount the jack to

the inside of the roof.

And for that I'm gonna use

the heavy-duty self-tapping

machine screws

rather than duct tape;

although, you could put duct

tape on the screws later,

you know, for appearances.

[ grunting ]

all right, now I wanna hang the

spare tire under the jack,

but right at

floor level, there.

The I'll be able --

guess those machine screws

are a little bit long.

Okay, I need something

to fill the gap

between the jack and where

the spare tire's gonna be.

I could use, I guess,

a 4x4 on that,

but I want something a lot

stronger that won't

twist and warp.

So I'm gonna use this

old car drive shaft here.

I've already measured

the length.

Now I'll just cut

'er to size.

[ huffing and puffing ]

okay, I decided to go with

the 4x4, after all, on that.

But she's all assembled.

We got the jack hangin'

from the roof,

and we got the spare hangin'

from the jack,

and the whole unit is positioned

over our big hole in the floor.

So now whenever we want to get

into or out of a real tight

parking spot,

all we do is jack

down the spare,

which will jack up the car.

Then we spin 'er around till

she's facin' the right way.

Then we jack up the spare,

which will jack down the car,

and we're outta there.

Funny how life's solutions are

usually so simple, isn't it?

Boy, my wife's gonna go nuts

when she sees this.

But I'm gettin'

way ahead of myself.

So remember,

if the women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

And now, if you'll

excuse me,

I'm gonna take

this baby for a spin.

[ creaking and grinding sounds ]

[ hydraulic sounds ]

I wanna talk to you

middle-aged guys out there.

How many times over

the last ten years

have you regretted

saying the words

"watch this"?

How many of your scars

or your missing fingers,

your faded memory

are a direct result

of saying the words,

"watch this"?

You know, maybe it's time to

replace the words "watch this"

with phrases that are more

suited to your current

physical condition.

Phrases like,

"where are my glasses?"

or, "where are

my other glasses?"

or the ever popular,

"honey, I swear it

must've been the dog."

you see, women aren't

the only ones

whose biological

clocks are ticking.

It's just that our clocks are

sayin' different things.

You know, women's

clocks are saying,

you're having hot flashes;

or, you know, I think screaming

will make everything better.

But our clocks are saying,

get off the roof, you fool;

or, put those roller

blades down now.

The important thing is

never say watch this.

Just accept the fact that you've

reached that point in your life

where there is nothing about

you that's worth watchin'.

Except, of course, your manners

and your cholesterol level.

And remember,

I'm pullin' for you;

we're all in

this together.

Well, dalton took a sample

of possum lake water in

to be tested,

but I just don't

think that's the problem.

So I'm gonna put

a little on the plants,

maybe let the dogs drink it.

And that'll prove there's

nothin' wrong with it.

Okay, red, I got the

report on possum lake.

Does not look good.

Oh, did the government sissy

boys find something wrong

with our water?

According to this possum lake

is no longer classified as

a body of water.

No, it says suspension of

manganese and sulphate

particulate

in a 40 percent solution

of methyl alcohol.

Are you sayin'

possum lake is

a singapore sling?

No.

Methyl alcohol is --

well, it's

like gasoline.

It's no wonder there's

not fish in the lake.

Yeah, we've got a highly toxic

and corrosive mixture there.

Oh, well,

that's crazy.

Here, hold

this plant.

I'm gonna show

you something.

Watch this.

[ laughter ]

holy mackerel!

The water took the

bottom right out

of this pail.

It'll do the

same thing to you.

[ laughter ]

well, what are

we gonna do?

Well, the report

says we should install

a water purification system

to clean the lake.

Yeah, what's that

gonna cost?

Seven million dollars.

That sounds

high to me.

Wait a minute.

Water filtration, that's just

filters and chemicals.

We'll just throw some weed

killer into the lake,

and then just filter the

whole deal through some

old mattresses.

You know, it's just

crazy enough that

it might work.

Ha ha.

Yeah, right.

Red:

Real special adventure

this time round.

We're gonna make kind

of a cenotaph unit

out there behind the lodge.

We had one of those --

the power augur

and a couple of bushes.

And, uh, we'd had

a flag sent to us by

some friends in moose jaw.

Winston's getting the

flag pole outta the van.

Hard to get a pole that big

into one of the smaller vans.

But we had -- watch out.

Careful now.

Careful now.

Oh, oh.

By golly.

All right, okay, well,

we got everything,

that's the main thing.

So now I'm tellin' the boys

we gotta dig some holes.

We gotta -- first of all,

we gotta a dig a hole

for the flag pole.

When you got a

20-, 30-foot pole,

it's gotta go down at

least four inches, I believe.

So, uh, get the power augur -

pick that up, boys.

Pick 'er up.

Push 'er up there.

C'mon, push 'er up.

Pick 'er up.

Get 'er goin'.

Okay, all right.

All right.

Now, the thing with these

power augurs, they're fine

till they hit a rock.

Then, uh, you know --

so then I figured, no, okay,

that's four horsepower,

you know.

So then we went back

to the manual style,

and we had a windshield scrape

and a tire iron

'cause we actually needed

a hole for the flag pole

and one for each

of the bushes.

But, uh --

we can kinda see the cenotaph

startin' to take place now.

We're gonna --

first thing we do,

we're gonna put the bushes in

bring 'em over, boys.

Bring 'em over.

Haul 'em over.

Get 'em over.

Now, we gotta put the flag pol

up in the middle thing there -

kinda looks like

iwo jima, doesn't it?

There goes mikey.

There we go.

Got her in.

Beautiful, we'r all set.

Got the pole up there

great and everything.

And now is a very,

very important moment

in our lives...

Gettin' out this special

flag sent to us by our

friends in moose jaw.

Look at that.

That's the possum cre --

okay, all right.

All right. All right.

Take things pretty seriously

up here at the lodge.

All I had to do, just run 'er

up the flag pole, as they say

in the board rooms.

And we're about as bored as

you could get at this point.

We got 'er up there,

and wouldn't you know it,

I hung the darned

thing upside down.

'course, I get a lot of

cooperation out of my

friends here.

Oh, man, now look

what they do.

Ah, come on, guys.

That's not funny.

So I'm tryin' to get 'er down

and she's jammed up there.

Now I gotta take

the whole pole down.

Maybe we can just shake it,

and maybe she'll come down.

Thanks for all the help.

Finally got the pole down.

Put 'er up straight

and everything.

I thought we were

in real good shape.

I think we may have weakened

the hole a little bit

by shakin' it

'cause, you know --

but you know when life,

sometimes things don't

go your way?

You gotta adapt.

Huh?

Huh?

Still not right.

Still not right.

There we go.

[ cheering and applause ]

oh, red!

Red green.

What a great

surprise.

Well, it shouldn't really

be a surprise, gord.

I told you

I was comin'.

Yeah, I know,

but I forced

myself to forget.

Oh.

You ever done that?

I'll try it right

after I leave.

[ chuckling ]

what's this,

gord?

Oh, yeah, that's my new

watchtower guest book.

From now on, everybody

that visits the tower

will sign the guest book.

Yeah, I know.

I gave you this

book four years ago.

Don't you remember?

I was the the first

one to sign it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm the only one

that signed it, gord.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, you could

sign it again.

Yeah, all right.

Okay, sure,

I'll sign it again.

Here you go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh,

except this time,

could you sign it from

shirley or angela?

And write something

mushy, like a poem.

No, gord, I'm not

really comfortable

writing to you

from a woman.

You know,

it bothers me.

Really?

Yeah.

Maybe you should see

somebody about that.

[ laughter ]

gord doesn't it

seem unusual

that you've been here

for four years,

and you haven't

had any visitors?

Is that what you think?

I've had plenty of

visitors up here, red.

Hundreds every week.

Oh, oh.

You don't know much about

mosquitoes, do you?

I'm thinking real visitors,

human visitors, gord.

Who do you think

shirley and angela are?

They're human!

Oh, boy,

are they human.

[ growling ]

except they only

come when I'm asleep.

But they come often.

If it wasn't for them,

I'd probably go crazy.

All right.

All right.

Tell you what.

I'll sign one

to you from angela.

How's that?

Uh, better make it shirley.

Angela's left-handed.

[ laughter ]

[ ticking ]

you know,

there's nothing

like sports

to teach kids what

life's all about.

And what better place to learn

about winning and losing

and good sportsmanship

and patience

than the old

ball park, huh?

Today, I'm teachin'

the young one here

about patience.

You know what

I'm talkin' about;

good things come

to those who wait.

It's an important lesson.

Oh, no, no, no.

You don't want that.

This is full of nitrates,

animal by-products.

Ew.

Oh, see over there where

that pitcher's mound is?

There's the

batter's box.

When a major league

pitcher winds up,

that ball's goin' 90 miles

an hour across that plate.

That's what makes

this game so great.

He loves this.

This is just

about perfect too.

Get a kid,

grab a hot dog,

come to the ball park,

spend some quality

time together.

It'll be something that'll

reward the both of you.

When's the ball game start?

Thursday.

[ ringing ]

[ laughter ]

well, uh,

we're gettin' there,

you know.

The lake still has bits of

stuff floatin' around in it.

I think all the

explosive toxins

have been removed.

Thanks to mike.

Mike, is there anything you

wanted to say to the kids

watchin' out there?

Uh, yes, mr. Green.

Uh, smoking cigarettes

is hazardous to your health,

especially if you're standing

in a lake of gasoline.

It's actually a good thing

that we don't have any

fish in there.

Possum lake would be

chowder at this point.

But, you know,

on the bright side,

there was some

good news.

According to the

report, anyway.

Read it to them,

dalton.

Ouch!

What?

What?

Uh, "once the methyl alcohol

contaminants have been removed,

"the remaining impurities

are non-toxic

"and can be removed

by filtration."

so all we gotta do now

is filter the water,

and possum lake'll

be healthy again.

So what we have to do

is come up with a

cost-effective, efficient

filtration system.

And this is where the

brilliance comes in.

Well, I don't think

it's so brilliant.

No, no, but then,

you didn't think

of it, did you?

All you could

think of was

I think I'll light

up a cigarette,

and now none of

us have eyebrows.

So what we have

is the best filter system

anyone could ever devise.

You know what

I'm talkin' about?

The human body.

Just let nature

take its course.

The miracle of

the human kidney.

That's the thing

right there.

I figured out that if

every possum lodge

member drinks --

45 gallons.

45 gallons of

possum lake water --

a week.

45 gallons of

possum lake a week --

for 27 weeks.

For 27 weeks,

and we'll have the lake

crystal clear again.

The only problem is

nobody can leave town,

or the water level

will be down.

I don't think I can drink

that much water, mr. Green.

Mike, if you can smoke,

you can drink.

Yes, mr. Green.

[ possum squeal ]

oh, geez, there's

the meeting.

Let's go tell

the others.

You guys go ahead;

I'll be down in

a minute.

If my wife is watchin',

I'll be comin' straight home

after the meetin',

and I'd really appreciate it

if you'd use a little extra

salt in your cooking

because I'm going to need to be

a little extra thirsty for the

next little while.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com

take your seats.

All rise!

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Okay, bow your heads, and

join me in the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Bring it in, mike.

It's just water.

45 gallons a week, guys.

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