The Network Deal

Harold convinces Red to let the show air on a major American television network, resulting in some drastic changes.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Red's Campfire Songs, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Handyman Corner, Adventures With Bill, The Experts

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 1

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: Once in a while, through the history of "The Red Green Show", we take an episode and we use it as a chance to say a lot of things that we feel about life and social stuff and TV in particular. And this is certainly one of the first ones. It was called "The Network Deal". It's the first time a woman ever appeared on the– on the show, so we had some chances to say something about that, but we also use it to say a lot of things about our view of network programming. If you read between the lines, or even on the lines, I'm sure you'll see what I mean.

Transcript
''{Text appears on screen: "Women appreciate creative input. Men appreciate silence." A man is heard snoring.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"The Network Deal" appears} And now, here's the man who changed the face of television giving it a fat lip and a black eye, your host, my uncle, Red Green! {laughs}

''{Red enter the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He holds a tape measure, which he pulls in and out.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, appreciate it. Got some really good news this week up at the Lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I am so totally excited, Uncle Red! {giggles}

RED GREEN: Fine, that's fine, Harold. {to audience} Yep, yeah, this week, we're gonna have the very first ever Possum Lodge inflated hip wader contest.

HAROLD GREEN: What? What? No, no, I– I– I'm talking about the fact that, y'know, a big American television is mildly interested in our show!

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, oh, yes! How true, how true! One of the big three! Yeah, they might pick us up! You could be famous! The network executives think that you're very quirky! {points and waves finger at Red}

RED GREEN: I'm not quirky, Harold. {to audience} Anyway, the bunch of guys are gonna put on their hip waders, pack 'em full of dry ice. And as soon as the CO2 turns to a gash, y'know, they just start to... {mimics the sound of rubber inflation} Out they go. {opens up tape measure} And whoever gets the biggest diameter without blowin' 'em up wins! {back to Harold} See? I'm not quirky, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Right. Yeah, right.

Title sequence
''{The "The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red watching Buzz fly his plane by remote control.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Well, on this week's episode, we got a real surprise for ya. You think that's it?

''{Cut to a shot of a cluttered workshop with a mattress cut in half in it. Red gets out from under and looks around at the mess.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Well, you're wrong. You think that's it? No, that's not it, either.

{Cut to a shot of the Possum Lodge Word Game about to start; Red is the contestant, and the word is "Sex", to Harold's surprise.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We're getting close, but that's not it, either.

{Cut to a shot of a beautiful woman walking up close to Red.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell you what: I'll give you a great big hint.

Plot Segment 2
RED GREEN: {holding a pair of hip waders} Well, if I'm gonna win the first annual Possum Lodge inflated hip waders contest, I just gotta make sure I don't got any blisters. You don't want a weak spot in there, by golly. She lets go at full pressure, it'll blow you across the lake, I'll tell you that! {laughs} Yeah. Junior Singleton, he put his on, and to test them, he poured in a two-four of light beer, let 'er fizz around in there–

HAROLD GREEN: Excuse me, Uncle Red! Excuse me, it's just that, uh, "two-four" is local slang. You know, if we're gonna get a network deal, y'know, we just have to tailor the show a little bit that way, you know? So can you say, like, "case", instead of "two-four"?

RED GREEN: You told me I wouldn't have to change the show, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, no, no, not change. Never change. Oh, no, no, no. The network execs, they think you're quirky. Keep the quirk, keep the quirk, just, um... just– just tailor it that way. Tailor!

RED GREEN: {back to camera} Alright, alright, okay, so Junior poured a case of beer into his hip waders and it was really cold. It was almost freezing. It was like one or two degrees, you know, and it was really–

HAROLD GREEN: Excuse me, Uncle Red, excuse me, sorry. Is that like Celsius?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's just that one or two degrees Celsius might confuse our American viewers, y'know, 'cause they still use Fahrenheit, so can you use Fahrenheit? 'Cause Fahrenheit doesn't change the story, y'know? {pauses to think; looks up} Oh, no, see, it works for me!

RED GREEN: {shaking his head} Wait a second, Harold. It took me twelve years to change over. I'm not gonna change back.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, not change. Never change! No, no, no. Just say, uh, just say, "Fahrenheit". Just say, "Fahrenheit"!

RED GREEN: Lemme tell ya something, Harold, alright? I love the Americans. Like, I'm really happy the Americans are watching our show. But I'm not gonna change my tune now, okay? My tune happens to be "O Canada", okay?

''{The audience applauds. Harold looks nervous. He twists his fingers in his hands and finally claps nervously.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Yep, that's wonderful, that's fantastic! I just thought I might mention at this point in time and at this particular juncture that, uh, American TV stars get $50,000 an episode.

RED GREEN: ...Alright, well, my new tune is "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy".

Red's Campfire Song
{Red is playing guitar, Harold is clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, there's a guy named Jersey O'Brien.
 * He thought he was always spent.
 * He tried to buy whatever he could,
 * And whatever he couldn't, he'd rent.
 * The poor old guy went bankrupt so many times,
 * He was down to his very last cents,
 * When he got hard-on by the government,
 * As he advised to the Department of Finance.

Handyman Corner
{Red enters another part of the Lodge, carrying a suitcase.}

RED GREEN: You know, if this network deal comes through, I'm probably gonna have to do a lot of traveling: emotional trips, personal appearances, {puts suitcase on work table} avoiding relatives, that kind of thing. I tell ya one thing: I don't wanna be walkin' around carrying about 40 suitcases and a lot of weight on them and so on, so I thought I'd take this week at Handyman Corner to show you how the handy traveler packs a suitcase. {opens suitcase and pulls out a bag of toiletries} All right, first of all, you got your bag of toiletries. You know, you got your shampoo and your soap and your mouthwash and your deodorant and your foot powder and so on. Well... {tosses bag aside} you don't need that stuff, all right? You're a traveler, you're on the road. People expect you to smell a bit off.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has several different pairs of shoes on the table.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, shoes. I mean, shoes are nice, but they're heavy and they take up a lot of space. {pulls out a pair of tin snips and starts cutting one shoe at the sole} So I say get yourself tin snips, just cut the shoe right where the uppers are meetin' the sole. {looks at shoe} I don't know whose shoes these are, but I'm sure they'll thank me.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has finished cutting all the shoes off.}''

RED GREEN: Done! {places a pair of sandals on bench} All right, now all you have to do is just take one pair of sandals with ya, and then everyday, you can wear a different pair of shoes, or at least look like it by just putting the upper half over the sandals. {places the top halves of all the shoes on the sandals} So you got your formal, you got your running shoe, you have your Sunday casual, and probably the most popular, your casual. {picks up shoe soles} What it allows you to do, is to throw all the soles and heels away!

''{Red throws the soles aside. Wipe to a later scene. Red carries in various clothing articles and sets them on the table.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now you can start packing all your clothes. Your shirts, your pants, your jackets, whatever. And remember, one pair of socks and underwear for every week you're gonna be away. Now, I know hotels have their own towels, but they don't seem to dry as well as they should, so I like to bring my own. Same thing with sheets. I don't wanna be sleeping on something that 8,000 strangers have slept on or whatever. I feel the same way about hotel pillows. I just don't like them as much as my own. Don't know whether it's the smell or the feel, {picks up pillow} or maybe they're just not as sanitary as they need to be. {puts pillow on table} So I like to bring my own. And I can say the same thing about hotel mattresses; too flat, too smooth. I like to bring my own.

{Red leaves momentarily, then returns, struggling under the weight of a mattress.}

RED GREEN: But you know, Bernice is probably not gonna be coming with me on any of these trips, so actually, I only need half a mattress.

''{Red takes a chainsaw and uses it to cut the mattress in half. Wipe to a later scene. The mattress is completely cut in half.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, but how do we get the suitcase shut? Technology! {holds up some clamps} A few C-clamps, some other clamps, and a come-on. {puts clamps on bench} We'll get her all closed up. This is gonna take me a little while to horse this baby down, so why don't we get back to the show, and I'll call you when I'm ready.

Commercial bumper
''{Red and Buzz are seen together. Red is holding the shell of a model plane, the controls for which Buzz is holding. Buzz laughs maniacally.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned, Buzz is wired, but his plane isn't.

Handyman Corner 2
{Red forces closed the clamp-laden suitcase.}

RED GREEN: And put 'er in there! Close 'er up, close 'er up, close 'er up! Got it! And there we are. See? You can take whatever you want as long as you know how to pack it right. {removes the clamps} Now I all I got to do is just get these clamps off of here, and I got so much stuff with me that wherever I go, it'll be just like home. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {waves goodbye} So long!

''{Red tries to pick up the suitcase, but it's too heavy. He tries and fails a second time, groaning with the effort. The suitcase begins to creak and stretch, rocking back and forth on the workbench.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I may have put in a little too much stuff in there. I may have to re– repack... {looks at the suitcase, panicking} Uh-oh! I think she's gonna blow!

''{Red dives under the worktable. The suitcase explodes, sending all of its contents flying all over the workshop. Red stands up under the half-mattress and looks around, dumbfounded.}''

RED GREEN: {dryly} Yeah, looks just like home.

Segue: Buzz Sherwood
{Buzz Sherwood is sitting on a bench next to his plane at the dock, with a box of chocolates on his lap.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: My mama always said, "Buzz, life is like a box of chocolates. SO PIG OUT!!!!!" {laughs maniacally and stuffs chocolates into his mouth, showing it off to the camera}

The Experts
''{Harold, Red and Hap Shaughnessy are sitting in the Lodge around a table. Harold sits in a recliner while Red and Hap sit in a two-person couch.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! On this week's Experts portion of the show, we have two experts, one being my uncle Red and, of course, the other being water taxi captain, Mr. Hap Shaughnessy!

{The audience applauds and Red and Hap wave to them.}

HAROLD GREEN: {taking out letter} This week's letter goes as follows: {reads letter} Uh, ba-dum-bum-bum– "Dear Experts, what is the greatest rock 'n' roll band ever?" Easy, R.E.M. {holds up fist} Ah!

RED GREEN: No, no, no, Harold, I'll tell you, the greatest band ever, Canadian band, The Guess Who.

HAROLD GREEN: I dunno, who?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, personally, I'd have picked The Rolling Stones, but since I was once part of their band... I guess– I guess the Stones shouldn't count.

HAROLD GREEN: What part of the band would you do? Chauffeur them around once or...

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, no, no, I played lead guitar for a few months, when Keith Richards was too ill, you know, with his... {mimics downing liquor from a glass}

HAROLD GREEN: Didn't the age difference get in the way at all, Mr. Shaughnessy?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, they won't that much older than me. Then afterwards, when Keith would go up to his room, I'd have to take care of all those women who wanted to meet him, the gropies. It was a good job, though; 350 bucks a night. I tell you, I would've paid them twice that much.

''{Hap taps Red on the arm. Red looks down to his side.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, wait a minute, what have we got here? {pulls out a guitar} Oh, for gosh sakes, guitar! {Harold puts his hands on his cheeks in mock shock; Red hands Hap the guitar} Here you go, Hap. Play us a little Rolling Stones music.

{Harold laughs}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Are you trying to embarrass me in front of my fans, Red?

RED GREEN: No, just trying to get a little satisfaction.

Trivia

 * Based on Red's comments, a total of 46 Possum Lodge members entered the inflated hip waders contest.
 * This episode is the first time a female character has appeared on the show.
 * One degree Celsius translates to 33.8 degrees Fahrenheit, and two degrees Celsius means 35.6 degrees Fahrenheit. So based on Red and Harold's remarks, the beer in Junior's hip waders would be about 33 to 35 degrees in there.

Real-World References

 * Harold's quote about one of the American big three networks interested in the show refers to the Big Three networks, ABC, CBS and NBC.
 * The term "two-four" is a slang term meaning "a case of 24 beers".
 * Red mentions that his old tune is "O Canada" and his new one is "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy".
 * Buzz's scene with the box of chocolates is a reference to a scene in the movie Forrest Gump.
 * Hap's favorite band is revealed to be The Rolling Stones, since he performed in it once, substituting once for Keith Richards.
 * Red's remark about "trying to get a little satisfaction" is a reference to the band's song, "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction", released in 1965.
 * In addition to The Rolling Stones, Harold and Red also think the best rock bands ever are R.E.M. and The Guess Who, respectively.

Fast Forward

 * In Swiss It Up, Red and Harold would again sell the show, this time to Switzerland.