Snowed In/Transcript

The complete transcript for Snowed In

Opening Scene
''{Outside the lodge, Red pushes a hand truck along. It has a tank full of helium duct-taped to it, so he's having some difficulty with it.}''

RED GREEN: You know, when I was twenty, I weighed 150 pounds in my shorts. Well, in anybody's shorts, really. And now that I'm... not twenty, my doctor gets a big kick out of weighing me every time I go in there, no matter what I went in for in the first place. {stops next to a worktable piled high will rolls of duct tape} Sore throat, Mr. Green? Step up up on the scale. Pulled muscle, Mr. Green? Up on the scale. Lawn dart through the foot? Up you go. Talk about adding insult to injury. And now he says he'd like me to lose fifteen pounds. Well, I'd like him to drop dead! Here's another option. It's not as violent, but it is dishonest, so it has that going for it. {holds up an ducky-themed inflatable pool ring} All's you got to do is hide one of these kids' inflatable swim ring things under your clothes. {takes pool ring over to helium tank} Then just full her up with a lighter-than-air gas like hydrogen, or in this case, {taps helium tank} helium, and bingo! You go from a heavyweight to a welterweight without even trying.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red's pants have bulged out as he has seemingly stuffed the pool ring under his pants. He feels around himself with satisafaction.}''

RED GREEN: There. Time to make my doctor look foolish for a change.

''{Red then steps on a weight scale. He then takes a hose from the helium tank and turns it on. The gas hisses out as the pool ring in his pants inflate. Meanwhile, Red's weight goes down. It started out at above 160 and drops to 150. He then turns off the gas with a look of satisfaction.}''

RED GREEN: Now, if you'll excuse me, {puts hose aside} I have an appointment to keep.

''{Red walks up to the Possum Van, his pants bulging from the helium he had just put in the pool ring underneath. He opens the door and tries to climb up into it. Unfortunately, he has some trouble getting in one leg at a time, so instead, he jumps in with both feet. He then struggles to sit down, his inflated body accidentally honking the horn on the steering wheel in the process. Once seated, he reaches out and closes the door. Unfortunately, he closes the door so hard that it causes the pool ring full of helium to explode and release all the helium out into the van.}''

RED GREEN: {high-pitched voice} Oh, the humanity! {hangs his head}

Handyman Corner
{Red stands in a small house outside the lodge, looking out the window.}

RED GREEN: You know, as people get older they tend to not like progress. That's because when somebody comes out with a new way of doing something you've been doing your whole life, it's really their way of saying, "Hey, you're a moron!"

{Cut inside the house, where it's revealed that Red is standing in the kitchen.}

RED GREEN: And that's why guys like me are always looking for ways to show these young bucks that we did it better in the old days. Let me give you an example. {points to a stove at one end of the kitchen} Here we have a stove that we used to do most of our cooking. {holds up hand hastily} Not all of our cooking, {looks out window again, seeing a propane-powered barbecue outside} because sometimes we like to barbeque. See, now, that's a man's way of helping out with dinner without actually ever having to set foot inside the kitchen. {looks toward sink in another area of the kitchen} Then when we're all done and it's time to do the dishes, we just turn on the hot water, {turns on sink, letting some water flow} and away we go. {turns off sink, then walks over to heater controls on the wall} And later on in the evening, the house can get pretty cool, especially if you were late coming home from work... or whatever. So all's we do is {turns on heater} crank up the furnace. {notices some papers on the counter} But wait a minute. What have I got here? {picks up and examines papers} I got a gas bill for the furnace and the stove, an electric bill for the hot water heater, and a propane bill for the barbecue. Separate bills for four things that do exactly the same thing: produce heat! How crazy is that, huh? Well, I think it's time to get back to the way our forefathers did things.

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk a little bit about mixed marriages. A morning person should never marry a night person. Believe me, it's going to cause nothing but trouble in the long run. First of all, at the crack of dawn, the morning person is all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, while the night person is bleary-eyed and bushy-tongued. And on the other hand, in the wee small hours, Mrs. Merry Morning is deep into hibernation on the couch, snoring so loud that Mr. Night Owl can barely hear his infomercials. See, burning the matrimonial candle at both ends? Well, that puts a strain on any kind of relationship. And no amount of coffee can turn a morning person into a night person or vice-versa. What you got here is an unnatural union, okay? And there's only one way to save it: you got to concentrate on the afternoon. That's the only time of the day when both of you are not too tired or too cranky. That's your window of opportunity, so draw a curtain over it and go for a little afternoon delight, okay? Just make sure you go home first. Unless you both work at the White House. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

all right. Thank you.

As you can see, we've

had another one of our

freak snow storms

up at the lodge.

You know I think

it's the pollution levels

in possum lake that do it.

'cause lakes are supposed to

freeze in the winter, right,

not congeal?

Harold:

Uncle red!

Uncle red, help!

Where are you, harold?

I'm stuck outside!

I can't get in!

Oh, okay.

Hang on. Hang on.

I'll help you.

Help!

Oh!

Okay, harold, look,

I'm going to hand the

ski in through the door.

Okay, you grab the

end and I'll pull you

inside, all right?

Okay. Good idea.

Oh, harold! You took

it right out of my hands.

Sorry!

Can we try it again?

All right.

Here comes the other one.

Okay.

Good. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

I'm sorry. My fault.

What am I going

to do now?

Put the skis on,

go to the back door.

Well, like I say, you know,

the roads are all closed.

The town's pretty

much shut down.

Even the police

aren't working today.

Hi.

I love this weather!

[ applause ]

I just sent harold

around the back way.

Did he make it?

Oh, yeah he made it.

He's just out digging

the snow out of his underwear.

You know, mr. Green,

I remember seeing

this movie once

where these people were

stranded in a snowstorm,

and, like, the only

way they could survive

is if they ate

one of them.

Ooh! Uncle red --

[ cheers and applause ]

I think we're stuck

here for the duration.

We should just curl up with

a good book or something.

What are you doing?

He's tender.

Would you like

a drink, harold?

Yes. Please.

I was outside and I got

all stuck outside.

What is that?

Marinade.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner

receives this coupon

from rothschild's sewage

and septic sucking services.

It's our new high-tech

computer rooter treatment.

Has a big download

clogged your line?

Does your hardware

make unnecessary backups?

Let us come and give your

system a little extra ram.

Okay. Cover your

ears, there, dalton.

Okay, red,

you have 30 seconds

to get dalton

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, dalton,

what do you do when

you're trying to

look thinner?

Stand farther back.

Okay, say you wanna

have a drink

but you're trying to lose

weight, so you don't

have a regular soda,

you have a...

A mini-soda.

Of course, it didn't  do

much for minnesota fats, huh?

Not even

close, there.

Okay, now, moose thompson

went to the doctor last week,

and the doctor saw he was

up way over 300 pounds, okay?

He put him on a...

Oh, a stronger chair.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

This is something that your

wife is on all the time.

[ sighs ]

the war path.

Red, you're almost

out of time here.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Dalton, imagine

that you're santa claus.

That'd never happen, red.

No, okay. Okay.

Imagine that you

look like santa claus.

You got the bowl full

of jelly belly thing

going on there.

What would you do

to improve your appearance?

If I had all that

white hair, I'd dye it.

Yeah!

Remember when your wife

drags you on that historical

tour of williamsburg, eh?

Remember the fireplace

they had there

that they cooked on

and heated water on

and heated the house with?

Well, see, now, I think

they had the right idea.

They just didn't

have the right technology.

Well, we have that now.

It's called a furnace, huh?

Okay, you see how they

have it all closed in?

That's so you can't see

what's going on in there.

And down here you have

the flame in this area.

And then above that is

the air chamber where

the air gets heated.

And then you have

the fan

that fires the warm

air up into the house.

And that's all it does.

What a waste

of engineering.

Well, I think we can do

a little better than that.

Okay, now we're cooking.

See I mounted

the oven door on here,

'cause this isn't

just a furnace anymore.

Now it's a --

it's a --

well, I don't

know what it is,

but it's not just a furnace.

That's for sure.

Okay, you've got your furnace

burner right down at

the bottom

so this is where you

do all your barbequing.

You might even throw a few

briquettes on the burner.

Think how good that's going

to make your house smell.

That's a nice

change, isn't it?

Okay, now, this cookie sheet

becomes the bottom

of my oven, see?

But because it's

so far above the flames,

I can actually bake

on the bottom of the oven.

I mean the efficiencies

just keep on coming.

I'd say these cookies will

be done in about 20 minutes.

Even sooner if

we have a cold snap.

Oh, yeah, and I'm using

this old gas can

as my hot water heater.

A couple of things

to remember here...

Number one, don't

use a plastic gas can.

Of course, hindsight

is always 20-20, isn't it?

And the other thing is

you want to be careful with

your overhead pipe joints.

As any plumber will tell

you they're tricky

to duct tape.

Oh, and here's

another bonus...

I'm using my

pull-out filter

as a pizza oven.

Okay,

let's fire her up.

Now, obviously the

standard furnace thermostat

is not going to give us

the kind of btu's we need,

so I replaced it with the

heat control out of the oven.

But you got to keep

an eye on this baby.

If you don't pay attention

you can get the house

up to 450 degrees.

That'll cost you a fortune.

I smell cookies.

[ fire alarm blasting ]

[ alarm stops ]

you always get

your septics pumped.

Your tank's as

clear as a bell.

But be sure your

neighbour gets his done too,

or you'll be a victim

of second hand smell.

We're having

a little problem.

The drinks and

the stocks are holding out,

but the tv reception

is terrible.

All we get is snow.

So we got harold

up on a ladder there,

hoping that he can turn the

aerial from inside the roof.

You know, mr. Green,

I could use some help here.

Harold's got

a lot of meat on him.

We're not going to

eat him, mike, okay?

[ harold screaming ]

what is it,

harold?

Harold:

There's a lot

of bats up here.

Can you reach the

aerial pole from

inside the roof?

Harold: No!

But there's a trap door.

Why would there be

a trap door in

our roof?

I put one in when

I was living up there.

But then the

charges were dropped.

Can you open

the door, harold?

[ door creaking ]

harold: Yes!

Well, can you reach

the aerial now, harold?

[ metal creaking ]

harold:

Not now, no.

Okay, so now we got

no tv reception at all.

What next?

Well, I'm hungry.

C'mon down, harold.

Stop it.

Stop.

Red:

Okay, now, don't panic.

It's just a

chili cook-off.

Walter and I were the

last two entrants in

the whole lodge,

and walter likes to do

everything kinda different.

He's got an apron.

What does, "I mash..."

well, I don't know

I don't understand.

I don't have an apron.

I don't have --

he's got the hat

and everything.

I'm happy -- no,

I like that hat I have.

Walter, I like

the hat I have.

The hat I have is fine.

It's fine.

I didn't realize the fire was

going and he couldn't see --

well, I helped him up.

At least his apron is

more accurate now...

I'm a moron.

So I'm just making

it in the normal pan.

Dump in some ground meat...

No, no, walter's got

to have the special

pressure cooker,

and he's got to start

with the big hunks of beef.

He puts them in there

and grinds them up.

It's a lot better if the

beef doesn't have bones

in it, walter.

You know, it's like

going to work.

You grind and grind,

and you eventually pull

yourself down into it.

Meanwhile,

I'm just carrying on.

I got the tomato paste --

you're fine.

Got a large jar of

tomato paste that I use,

but that's not good

enough for walter.

He's got to squash

his own tomatoes.

He's got one

of these power --

you know, I wish I'd

seen he was doing that.

I would have gotten out

of the way over there.

Oh!

Thank you, walter.

So I don't think he's going

to get anything real

usable out of that.

No. No. Okay.

And now we get into the real

competition with chili,

which is the amount of hot

stuff you can put into her.

I had the chili powder

going pretty good there.

So walter's got to kinda

one better me there.

He just dumps her right in,

and, boy, that's got

to be getting hot.

Now, I was not

impressed with that.

You know what?

Have a look at this, walter.

I can just sprinkle this

on my hand and just --

no problem, no problem,

no problem.

Yeah?

What are you gonna do?

That'd be tobasco.

A little dab of that

on your tongue, walter.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

You're going to pay.

Undaunted I get

out a real hot pepper

and just bite

the end off of there.

Hey, try that.

Try that, if you're a man.

Oh, my gosh.

Now the heat of the moment

is starting to set in,

and we're both

feeling the effects.

We look over to the side

and what do we see but

a rain barrel.

And I'm thinking, just

excuse me a minute, walter.

So I grab the pail --

just hang on a minute let

me just get a drink.

You can have the

pail in a second.

But of course, walter

can't wait for that.

He's got a problem.

He can really drink, walter.

Boy, oh, boy.

Of course, what we forgot

was the pressure cooker

sitting on the fire,

and she was really

starting to build up.

Oh, boy.

And the pressure

release is gone on her,

and I just duck down behind

waiting for the explosion,

and but walter wanted

to get her somewhere safe.

No, walter, no.

I sure wish I'd

seen him do that

but he thinks he's --

okay, okay.

Yeah, your

problems are over.

I'm taking my chili,

and I figure I won

by default.

His chili's gone.

I didn't know where it was.

But as I head to the van,

walter suddenly realizes

that I'm going to go home

in the same vehicle

I arrived in.

And he's saying --

he's trying to --

I guess he was

trying to stop me,

but at this point I kind

got myself set off on

my way home.

I get in there and don't

know anything about the

chili in the back

and... Oh, boy.

Chili will do that.

[ ♪ ]

[ red chuckling ]

busted.

You married guys

know the situation.

You promised your wife you'd

be home from poker night

at 11:00,

and the only way

you can possible make it

is if you preset all the

clocks in the house to

honolulu time.

Now, what you want is a

way to get your vehicle

up the driveway safely

without waking anybody inside.

See, that's what

this power winch is for.

I attach my boat trailer

to the rear wall of my garage.

She's not going anywhere.

I used eye bolts,

which make sense.

'cause every time my wife

asks me, what's that for,

I bolt.

Next, I got myself

extra-long winch cable.

And a little extension wiring

for my electrical hookup.

Now when I plug in

my electrical hookup,

the winch'll be running

off the van battery,

and it'll pull the van

slowly up the driveway,

whisper quiet, eh, without

having to put the

headlights on.

So sweet dreams.

[ metal creaking ]

oh, man,

the emergency brake.

[ metal scraping ]

boy, it's getting pretty

desperate around here.

We got no food.

We got no water.

And worst of all,

we got no tv.

I mean, it's

starting to get ugly.

Uncle red!

Uncle red!

You know what we can do now?

Know what we can do now?

Now we can play, like,

another round of who am I?

Who am I?

You don't want to know

who you are, harold.

I got a better idea.

Why don't you go

hide somewhere?

I'll count to 100

and then have a nap.

[ knocking ]

someone's at

the door!

We're saved!

We're saved!

We're saved!

It's dalton!

It's dalton.

We're saved!

Oh, dalton.

Thank you.

They were going

to eat me.

Harold,

get away from me.

Red, I tunnelled all the way

over here from my house.

Just so I could

be at the lodge.

You mean you didn't

come here to save us?

No. No.

I came here to save me.

Come on, now.

We got no food.

We got no water.

We got no t.V.

We'd be way better

off at your place.

C'mon, harold.

Let's go.

Okay, red, but you are

going to be there all alone

with my wife ann marie

and my daughter.

They're trying

on dresses.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Sorry, harold.

You go ahead --

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the snow plows.

And don't worry,

I know how to get home.

I have a lot

of fun at the lodge,

but none of these guys

have what you got.

And if they ever get it,

I'm quitting.

For the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

Oh behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

we've got a

meeting happening.

Sit down. Sit down.

Here he comes.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red:

Sit down.

All right, men,

bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Okay, men, we have

a pretty serious charge

in front of us

here tonight.

Harold claims that

during our current

crisis,

mike assaulted him.

Oh, no, no.

Not assaulted.

Salted.

He salted me.

Over and over.

I'm well marbled.

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