The Splinter Lodge

Some of the Lodge members are so upset at Red's leadership that they branch out and form a lodge of their own.

Cast (in order of Appearance):, , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Adventures With Bill, Red's Advice To Teenagers, The Experts

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 6; The Red Green Show – 1997 Season

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: The guy who plays Dalton Humphrey, a gentleman named Bob Bainborough, a real funny guy, he does some of the writing for the show as well. And I notice a real pattern in his writing. He always writes about a guy going away and spending a lot of time alone in a small space. The Handyman Corner in this episode is the one where we turn a freezer into a den, written by Bob Bainborough. I can show you 25 scripts from Bob, all on the same theme. Scary, huh?

Transcript
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now here's the man who loves all life, but the feeling's mutual, your hero, your host, my uncle, {pointing to Lodge front door} Red Green!

''{Red enters the Lodge and waves to everyone. The audience applauds. Harold makes wave motions with his hands and grooves a bit.}''

RED GREEN: All right, big, big week up at the Lodge this week. We're gonna have our second annual swamp-skiing competition. Yeah, the way that works is, we got a guy water-skiing, we go down to the boggy end of the lake there, and we crank the boat around and the guy fires into the swamp area there. And we just see him coming out the other side.

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, Uncle Red. I don't think there's gonna be any swamp-skiing this year.

RED GREEN: Oh, really?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yes, yes. 'Cause you never go, do you? Oh, no, not you, you just sit in the back of the boat and laugh at everybody.

RED GREEN: {humored} C'mon, Harold, I just got a good sense of humor, that's all.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, no, no. The guys say they're not going unless you go. 'Cause last year, everybody got all dragged through this smelly bog, y'know, and they got all whipped in the face by these sticks and bushes and twigs and stuff, {Red grins} and they got snapped out the other end. They had a face full of mud and a mouth full of algae. Took two weeks for the fat guys to pry the bulrushes out of their belly button.

RED GREEN: {laughing} I don't– I don't care what the whiners say, Harold. The swamp-skiing competition is a go, we've decided.

HAROLD GREEN: What do you mean, "we decided"? You decided!

RED GREEN: Well, the Lodge, we, me, it's all the same.

HAROLD GREEN: No, see, that's just it. No, it's not all the same. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. See, you gotta be careful not to force people into things that you want to do. Sometimes, you gotta give in to a higher authority.

RED GREEN: Not at the Lodge, Harold. I only do that at home. {turns and leaves}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a scene inside the Lodge. Red, Harold and Hap are sitting around a table.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Today's episode is all about escaping. We got Hap here, who escapes into his imagination.

''{Cut to a shot of Red and Bill, who sits on a tree branch, next to a deck of boards nailed to the branch. Red tosses up a hammer to Bill. It hits Bill on the head, knocking him out. He falls down, head-first, on the branch and then falls out of the tree, landing on Red.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We got Bill, who escapes into a tree. Sometimes.

''{Cut to a shot of Red inside a freezer. He walks out of it and around to the side, where a water cooler and several tubes are mounted.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'm escaping into a little freezer den. More about that later on.

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the Lodge, holding a pair of waterskis and a clipboard with a piece of paper on it.}

RED GREEN: Well, the swamp-skiing preparation has officially started. Just gotta get the Lodge members to sign up, and then we'll set up a date once we know when there's gonna be a doctor vacationing in the area.

{The door opens and Harold enters in a hurry.}

RED GREEN: C'mon, Harold, we got a show to do here!

HAROLD GREEN: {running over to his switcher} Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, Uncle Red, sorry. I was just outside talking to Junior Singleton. {puts on switcher}

RED GREEN: All right.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, he's still pretty upset with you, y'know, 'cause of the way you have to run things around here. He's very upset about that. He wants to get together and talk.

RED GREEN: Well, bring him in right now. We'll talk here.

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} Oh, no! No, uh, I'm sorry, I didn't clarify that. Um, when he wants to get together and talk, uh, y'know, speak, {Red stares} y'know, the way they talk like that, is when he said we get together, he meant "we", not "we", like "me and he", not "you".

RED GREEN: Oh. So... so you're gonna be meeting with Junior?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes. Just Junior and me, just Junior and me.

RED GREEN: Alright.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, five other of the Lodge members, maybe ten.

RED GREEN: What's this about, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {frustrated} Well, you always gotta say what goes on around here! You know, a lot of people got some ideas! They're some pretty darn good ones sometimes, but you always gotta say no, right?

RED GREEN: No...

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing at Red accusingly} See?! See?! See?! Just like that! What about that time we wanted to get lodge jackets, and you said no! What about that time all the guys wanted to go to Port Asbestos and see the new asphalt spreader? You said no! {Red cringes, embarrassed} What about that time we wanted to get snacks with better expiring dates? You said no! Well, Junior got thinkin', he's tired of hearing no, and maybe he has an idea that Junior had... It's really– This is more Junior speaking than me; it's just... I'm channeling at this point. And he's thinking of starting a rival lodge. And a lot of the Possum Lodge members are gonna go with him.

RED GREEN: {pauses} Well, good for Junior.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} Really?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Well! {giggles} Can we have our first meeting here?

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by banging on a metal bucket.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, you got your book, you hear the knock,
 * But you don't care, the door is locked.
 * Let them pound and yell and scream and shout.
 * You got what they want, you got what they need,
 * But you got there first with something to read,
 * And they'll just have to learn to do without.
 * The john is the only place where a man
 * Can put up his feet and turn on the fan
 * And read a book and know what it's actually about.
 * Oh, but don't let it go to the bitter end,
 * 'Cause every five minutes, you lose another friend,
 * And they'll be all be waiting to kill you when you finally come out.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game, {pull back to reveal Red and Mike sitting at the card table} and this week, Mr. Mike Hamar is playing for the grand prize of having his charges commuted to thirty days of community service! {Mike makes excited gesticulations}

RED GREEN: Oh, my God! Yeah!

HAROLD GREEN: Good luck, Mike!

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

HAROLD GREEN: All righty. Mike, you have thirty seconds to guess this word...

''{Mike covers his eyes, as well as his ears. But as Harold picks up a sign displaying the word, which is "Investment", he sees Mike lift up one finger off his ears.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And the– You're peeking! Don't be peeking! {Mike leans away, still lifting one finger off his ear}

RED GREEN: All right.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah. Okay, alright. The word is... {sees Mike} He's looking! Haw! Okay, okay. {sarcastically} You know what? The word is "Cheater". "Cheater". {sets sign down on table and steps back; Mike removes his hands from his head} Go! Thirty seconds, go!

RED GREEN: Alright, Mike, this is something–

MIKE HAMAR: Cheater?

{Mike looks at Harold, who covers his mouth in mock shock.}

RED GREEN: {shaking his head and waving dismissively} All right. Okay, Mike, you put a lot of time and work into this, but it pays off money in the long run.

MIKE HAMAR: A bank robbery?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, Mike, you already have money.

MIKE HAMAR: No, I don't.

RED GREEN: Well, just imagine that you do.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, okay.

RED GREEN: Okay. So you need to make a...

MIKE HAMAR: ...quick getaway.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no. Mike, this isn't money from a robbery, you earned it.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, like a reward when you squeal on a guy.

RED GREEN: Yeah. Alright, alright. So you wanna make sure you have that money when you get older, so you need to find a good...

MIKE HAMAR: ...handgun.

RED GREEN: {seriously} Mike, you're on parole, okay? You can't use a handgun.

MIKE HAMAR: No, no, I wouldn't use it, Mr. Green, it's sort of an investment.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

''{Red rapidly rings the bell on the table to end the game while Harold applauds. Mike looks around, confused, then cheers.}''

Handyman Corner
''{Red peeks through a gap in a tractor outside the Lodge. It is slightly snowy out, and Red is wearing a coat and gloves.}''

RED GREEN: You know, every man needs a place where he can go to in his own home. {gets up} Kind of a refuge where he can be alone to do what he enjoys the most and what he does the best: nothing. {walks away from tractor} No talking, no sharing, no moving, no thinking. {walks toward a nearby barn} Now, some guys, they have a den or maybe a basement workshop. Some guys have a garage or even a barn they can go to. {walks up to "Handyman Corner" sign} But this week, on Handyman Corner, I got a project for the man who has absolutely no space at all. {walks into barn} You ever notice how lazy people live in small houses? {picks up a tape measure} That's because you don't need much space when you're not doing anything. You don't need a whole room to go to. {walks over to a freezer lying on its back} All you need is an old freezer, huh? {opens lid for a few seconds} Wouldn't that be a great spot to go to cool off? {closes lid} You get enough accessories in there, and you could turn this unit into the den of your dreams. You know, {pulls out tape on measure} carpenters have a very important saying: "Measured twice, cut once". {puts back tape} That's a good theory, isn't it? {laughs} You never actually done it, have you? Well, this is no time to start, {taps freezer} because this is an airtight freezer here. If all of your cuts are accurate and your measurement is correct, it could kill you, so throw that stuff away.

''{Red tosses the tape measure aside and walks around to the other side of the freezer. He squats down beside it.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, what you want to do is, you want to cut a hole, {holds up his hands in square shapes} yea by yea, {holds hands up vertically, then sideways} maybe a little more yea this way than that.

''{Red taps the freezer and gets up. Wipe to a later scene. Red stands up, holding a drill.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, the first thing you want to do is, drill a hole in the side of the freezer, so you can cut out where the TV's gonna go.

''{Red squats down by the freezer and starts to drill a hole in it. Suddenly, sparks fly from the freezer and it explodes in a plume of smoke. Red quickly stops drilling and gets back up.}''

RED GREEN: No. No, no, that's the second thing. The first thing you want to do is unplug the freezer.

''{Red walks around to the other side of the freezer. Wipe to a later scene. Red is lying on top of the freezer, which has now been moved over on its other side. A square hole has been cut out in the side. Red is trying to position a TV over the hole. Next to them is a roll of duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: There we go, that's a perfect fit. Remember, {places his finger near gap in hole above TV} no gap, no air. {picks up duct tape and puts some of it over TV} You want to hold it securely in place there, using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. If you drop your TV into your freezer, it's not covered by either warranty.

''{Red pulls some more duct tape over the TV. Wipe to a later scene. Red is now standing on the ground, next to the freezer, which has now been placed upright. Red is finishing up duct-taping the TV to the side of the freezer. The TV is now covered in duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: All right, once you got your TV mounted on there, {taps TV and places duct tape on freezer top} you gotta start thinking about beverages and snacks. {picks up a water cooler} So get yourself one of these units here, {picks up a huge duct} something to go on this line. {leans duct against freezer} What you want to do is mount that to the side of your freezer {places cooler against freezer} so it'll feed down into the den area.

''{Red picks up the duct tape again. Wipe to a later scene. The cooler and the duct have been duct-taped to the side of the freezer, as has some long plastic tubing.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, once those are mounted on there, you put your favorite beverage in the cooler and it goes down the tube, you put your favorite snacks into the duct and it goes down the chute.

{Red looks into the freezer, where a dustpan is mounted to the side.}

RED GREEN: Now, we got this old dustpan here to control the snacks, {holds up tube} and we got the clothes peg on there to get the drinks coming and going.

{Red walks over to several rolled-up foam and carpets in the corner of the barn.}

RED GREEN: Now, for that extra touch of luxury, I'm gonna line my den with the foam here and then cover all that with the shag carpeting. {carries both over to freezer in each hand} So it'll kinda be like a van, but no women. So it'll be like my van.

''{Wipe to a later scene. The freezer-turned-den has the foam and the carpeting covering its inside. Red is seated inside the freezer, holding a hammer. He has put the foam and carpeting on the den with duct tape. He rubs a final strip of tape into place.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, that's got her. Now I just gotta make an adjustment to the door switch here. {hits switch with hammer, causing it to fall off} That way, when I retire to my den, I'll close the door and the light'll stay on. {climbs out of den} Alright, here's another little rig that I've added to her. {walks around behind freezer, which has two makeshift legs duct-taped to the back} I've put these legs on the back here, and this allows the whole unit to recline. I'll show you how that works in a minute. {suddenly checks his watch} Oh, my gosh, wrestling's on! {goes back into freezer den} Okay. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {closes door} Now, recline!

{The freezer tips over into a reclining position and then continues to tip and suddenly topples over on its side with a crash, with the side with the TV and snack and beverage dispenser buried.}

RED GREEN: Wow, it's like I'm in the wrestling ring!

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Wanna talk to you older guys about something you haven't done in a while: change. Eh? People say you're out of it, because, for the last twenty years, you've been dressing the same way, talking the same way, and thinking the same way. I say good for you! You stick with it! Somebody's gotta stand up for tradition. And hold firm, 'cause too much is changing! The phone rings weird now. Running shoes look like spaceships. Even the continents are shifting, but not you! You stick to your guns! You keep wearing those short-sleeve polyester dress shirts. You keep spouting your opinions to anyone who'll listen. Somebody's gotta preserve what's normal and sensible in this world. And who knows? Polyester might come back. Maybe your opinions'll catch on. People will think you're a genius. But so far, no change. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
''{Harold tunes his switcher as Red enters the Lodge holding a clipboard. He looks confused.}''

RED GREEN: Well, the swamp-skiing's off to a slow start. I got the boat gassed up and I got the tow rope on there, ready to yank somebody into the quagmire down at the far end of the lake. But so far, I got no customers. I can't figure it out.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, I think I know why you're not gonna have anybody for the swamp skiing.

RED GREEN: The guys' wives all find out about it?

HAROLD GREEN: No. No, no. It's Junior Singleton. All the guys are listening to him now. Haw! Irish loyalty for you, huh? Haw!

RED GREEN: Has Junior Singleton started another lodge, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, very much so, yeah, yeah! It's really cool. And he says if we join– If we join, we can get lodge jackets! {laughs} Y'know, like– like maybe the ones the baseball players wear and those silk ones the rock 'n' roll stars wear! Haw! I mean, great! And we're gonna get membership cards!

RED GREEN: Oh, we have membership cards now.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but cheapy, plastic ones. These are gonna be like nickel alloy with my picture in the hologram.

RED GREEN: Harold, your head is already a hologram.

HAROLD GREEN: See? See, Junior wouldn't insult me like that. He says that's the Possum way. That's so Possum. Salamanders are gonna do things differently. {suddenly cringes as if aware of what he just said}

RED GREEN: {amused} Salamanders? Salamanders, that's the lodge, called "Salamanders"?

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} Yeah, well, salamanders are cool, too. But y'know, I'm just gonna go to that first meeting and check it out, that's all. I'm just gonna, y'know, check it out.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah? What is Junior offering you to join, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: A digital editing suite, and it is SO BEAUTIFUL! I'LL HAVE EVERYTHING!

RED GREEN: Harold, he's only trying to buy your support.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I know. Do you wanna make a counteroffer? I'm a free agent.

RED GREEN: Harold, you're a Free Willy. {turns and leaves}

Red's Advice To Teenagers
{Red walks around between two small wooden buildings outside the Lodge, wearing a yellow rain slicker.}

RED GREEN: I want to talk to you teenagers, because I know your parents are after you again to clean up your room. Huh? They're {makes "finger quotes"} "in your face", eh, as you would say. 'Cause that pile of laundry and junk food wrappers and comic books in the center of your room just developed a heartbeat. Or maybe a pair of your gym socks got together and had pups. {walks past a tree} Your dad, of course, is warning ya that that room proves you're headed for a life of total failure. And you're thinking, he would know. Hey, kids, instead of arguing with your parents, out-think them. It's a lot easier. Oh, yeah, tell them that the hottest field of science today is your chaos theory, and you're on your way to a Ph.D. Those aren't dust bunnies under the bed. Those are your prototypes of fuzzy logic and scuzzy drives. And that smell coming out of the closet? Why, that's your alternative fuel project, huh? It might save the ozone layer. Maybe not the earth's ozone layer, but at least the part over your laundry hamper. And the new antibiotics, they don't come from mold. So you're not a pig, you're a creative genius. I should know, I'm a regular Einstein myself. {walks off}