Good Government/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's the new "red green show"!

And now here's the man

that everybody's talking about,

except the members of the jury,

of course,

my uncle, your hero --

red green!

Appreciate it.

Thank you. Thank you.

Sorry I'm a little bit late

here,

but the bridge is out again.

Man, I'm getting fed up

with this.

Every spring, the road washes

out between here and town,

and I'll tell you -- a lot of us

do not enjoy being cooped up

in the lodge...

For obvious reasons.

It's always dangerous

to drive in floodwaters.

Unless, of course, you know,

if you had an amphicar,

it'd be okay, you know.

I saw a guy

in an amphicar one time.

He was doing just fine till

he went over the waterfalls.

So, actually, you know,

yes, yes,

it's always dangerous

to drive in floodwaters.

[ laughs ]

even if you did have

an amphicar,

that's really

highly unlikely.

They stopped making them

like 30 years ago.

I bet you you could make one,

though,

you know, if you had, like,

a little duct tape

and lots of insurance,

you could make one.

[ sighs ]

like I say,

a lot of us get tired

of being cooped up in the lodge.

So we decided to get

the government to look after it.

What the heck? It's their road.

It's their problem.

All we got to do is get in touch

with our local representative...

Anonymously, of course,

'cause we want him

to think we're taxpayers.

Uncle red, who -- who is

our local representative?

I have no idea, harold.

Well, who'd you vote for

in the last election?

Oh, I abstained.

The playoffs were on.

Oh, right.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

captions made possible by

acorn media

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

what you're looking at here

is a bunch of segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

"for gosh sakes,

don't even think about

changing the channel."

I'll tell you something --

if you're gonna try and make

sense out of this program,

you got to give it

your undivided attention.

Well, got the scoop

on our government guy.

His name is jerome q. Partiger,

and he's been

our local representative

for the last nine years.

Jerome --

I never heard of him.

He's never kissed

any babies

or cut any ribbons

or anything like that.

No. Well, there's a reason

for that, harold.

He passed away

eight years ago.

Oh, so he's the late

jerome q. Partiger.

No, he's not late.

He's not coming.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

We had an election

like three years ago.

How did he run for that?

Very quiet campaign.

Actually, flinty mcclintock

ran against him.

What, flinty didn't think

to mention

that his opponent

was deceased?

Well, didn't seem to matter,

harold.

You know, people around here --

very conservative,

and, of course,

jerome was the incumbent.

He's recumbent!

Uncle red, he's dead!

You know...

[ gasps, coughs ]

well, harold, in politics,

if you're dead first,

it makes the other guy

dead last.

Well, later on, we get --

[ clatters ]

oh, there's bill there.

Yeah, we're gonna have an

adventure, of course, later on.

Come on out, bill.

Come on. Oh.

Used the fire exit on that.

[ chuckles ]

anyway, uh,

bill's got some darts here.

That's what we're gonna be doing

later on in the program.

We got some --

the dart thing, and --

one thing about aiming

at the ground --

he can hit it, usually.

So, bill's gonna get the door

back up there.

No, bill. Come on, bill.

[ screams ]

oh! [ laughs ]

oh, boy!

Oh, boy!

There's a good start to a day,

huh?

Boy, I always wondered why --

why bill's pants fit him

so well.

'cause he got all them darts

in them.

[ guitar playing ]

♪ oh, life

is a wonderful mystery ♪

♪ who'd guess we could do

what we've done? ♪

♪ but until you face

a pit bull in heat ♪

♪ you'll never know

how fast you can run ♪

[ bells jingling ]

stop that.

Okay,

this is for the big one.

The grand prize

is a 1983 cordoba --

unlicensed, uncertified,

and on fire.

Uncle red,

you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Bob stuyvesant

to say this word.

[ chuckles ]

[ humming ]

"church."

"church."

oh, come on.

[ humming continues ]

go!

All right, bob.

On Sunday morning,

you go to...

Play golf.

No. No, no. This --

this is where non-golfers go.

The driving range?

No, no.

This -- this is a place

where you kneel and pray.

The green

on the 9th hole?

No, bob.

Okay, okay. You've been married

four times, okay?

Oh, yeah.

Each time,

you got married in a...

Hurry.

But you were in a...

Fog.

No, no. I'm talking about

the building you were in

when you said

you'd marry her.

Motel 6.

Whoa!

No, no, no. No.

This is it.

This is -- this is --

this is a special building.

Pointed roof.

Oh, the pro shop.

No. I'm talking

stained-glass windows.

Outhouse?

Oh. No.

Oh, no. I know.

I know, I know, I know.

All those things you got

in your golf bag --

yeah?

Plenty of words.

You got nibblets.

You got mashies.

What do you call

a bottle opener?

Church key!

There we go.

[ bell dings ]

there we go.

Red: This week

in "handyman corner,"

I thought I'd take you back

to a lost art

from an era where there were

a lot more tradesmen

and people

were really stinking cheap.

So, what I've got here --

I've got a bell

on a piece of thread here.

And that's as long as the thread

is, and it won't stretch.

Now watch what happens

when I add steam to it.

See, the steam drives the

moisture into the cotton thread

and adds elasticity.

Watch this.

[ thread creaking ]

[ grunting ]

whoa.

Oh, baby. [ laughs ]

[ bell jingles ]

see that?

See how that works?

You know, they used to do the

same thing with hats, like this.

And they'd add the steam

to them,

and they could bend them

to fit whoever was wearing them.

So, put the steam in there,

and they'd mold it

to the guy's head, you know?

It was called

getting your hat blocked,

and I guess people

who had it done were blockheads.

Of course, now they don't do

that anymore

because everybody's wearing

the baseball caps on backwards.

But I'm thinking to myself,

"why couldn't you get

your pants blocked

so they'll still fit you?"

you know, we've all seen

the passage of time in males

and what that can do to

a perfectly good pair of pants,

who are no longer up

to the challenge

of keeping up with the waistline

they were originally purchased

to circumnavigate.

Well, I'm saying why couldn't

you just add some steam in there

and then just stretch the pants

as big as you need them?

All right, now,

first thing you're gonna need

is some kind of a pant container

to hold them

while you're steaming them.

Well, here we go.

How about hip waders, huh?

That'll work just fine.

All's you got to do

is lay them out there

and then stuff the pants

right into them.

You want to get the cuffs

way down past the ankles

so they'll stick in there.

And, uh, if it's real old

hip waders,

they may just stick

all on their own, you know.

You know, I suggest you do this

with the blinds down.

No sense starting

unnecessary rumors.

And once you got the pants

in there,

you want to hang this whole unit

from the ceiling, upside down.

Now, you can see,

I put on the bottom here

duct-tape coils there,

sticky side out.

We'll just stick them right up

to the ceiling.

[ whistle! ]

all right, there we go.

Now all's we have to do

is add the steam to her.

[ coughing ]

well, you know,

in hindsight there,

I believe I would go

with a newer,

cleaner pair of hip waders

that didn't have the dried mung

hanging inside.

Well, anyway, the pants,

I would say,

now have a full head of steam,

and they're ready

for the blocking.

Now, for what you need for that,

uh, to stretch them out

real good,

you want to get yourself

some inner tubes --

maybe out of a truck

or out of a bus

or, you know,

whatever size you are.

If you're a real big boy,

might want to get a couple

off the landing gear

of the space shuttle.

Now, what you want to do

with these

is just stuff them up inside

the pant legs.

But, of course, first of all,

you got to get the pant legs

out of there.

Oh! Whoa, baby!

Talk about hot pants.

All right, you want to stuff

the inner tubes down in there.

And here, again, you might want

to close the blinds on this.

And if your wife yells down,

"what are you doing down there,"

just say you're blowing up

your pants,

and I can pretty much guarantee

she'll leave you alone

for the rest of the day.

[ grunting ]

[ air hissing ]

oh, oh, oh. Hold it.

Hold it.

Got a bit of a rip in the pants

there.

Have to fix that up.

[ air hissing ]

there we go.

Got them up about, uh, 19 sizes

now -- much like yourself, huh?

Now all's you got to do

is remove those inner tubes,

and you're all set.

We now need to kind of undo the

zipper and relieve the pressure.

We've done that before.

[ zipper unzips ]

[ air hissing ]

oh. Oh, boy.

Guess the zipper cut into

the inner tube there.

I got a bit of a leak.

What am I thinking about?

That doesn't matter.

We want to get the air

out of there anyway.

That's perfect.

So, you see, when

you're blocking your pants

up to a certain size,

I'll tell you --

the sky is the limit.

Remember -- if women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ whistle, clatter ]

stay tuned and relax.

Whatever this is,

we got a lot more of it.

I want to talk to you

older couples out there

who are saving your money

so that, after you retire,

you can travel.

And then when you do retire,

instead of a yearlong,

'round-the-world cruise,

you spend two nights

at a motel 6

because they got the early bird

dinner and clean washrooms.

See, I would tell you,

"do your traveling now."

'cause the older you get,

the less you like new stuff.

And I'll tell you something --

travel is nonstop new stuff --

new food, new beer,

new language, new money.

You know how it bugs you

that you can't understand

half the things your kids

are saying to you now?

How do you think

you're gonna enjoy

some italian yelling at you

'cause you forgot which side

of the street to drive on?

Oh, yeah,

those romance languages

can get pretty unromantic.

So I would say do

a little bit of traveling now.

Go away for a little short trip,

kind of get your feet wet.

You know, find out if you enjoy

standing in a french

railway station

trying to figure out

how to flush the toilet.

You know, and I'm not

just talking about traveling.

Whatever it is you plan to do

after you retire,

find out if you enjoy it first.

No sense spending 40 years

at a job you hate

only to retire to do something

else you can't stand.

Remember -- I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Oka--

sorry, harold.

As it turns out, you know, with

our deceased government rep,

they've been continuing

to deposit his paychecks

into a community account

in the possum lake bank

and video outlet.

Yeah, that's -- that's, like,

spooky or weird or something.

We should just inform

the government, you know?

'cause that money --

it's, like, foolish spending.

It could be used

to help reduce the deficit.

[ laughing ]

yeah, right.

You know, I think we should use

the money to fix the road.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You can't do that.

Why not?

It's not your money.

Well, whose money is it?

Not yours.

Well, the road's not mine.

I use that.

The money's not mine.

I'll use that, too.

Well, you know what?

I think, legally,

the money belongs

to the estate

of mr. Jerome q. Partiger.

Therefore, we should just notify

his next of kin.

Who's his next of kin?

No one's ever admitted

being related to him, harold.

Especially since

that town picnic there

where he was overserved

the special cider

during the dairy-princess

contest

and spent

most of the evening

under the sausage wagon

with miss congeniality.

So, I'm standing there,

and I'm ready to just, you know,

walk out like I always do.

And I thought, "no. No,

this is wrong. This is wrong."

so I went back in,

and I put that seat down.

All right!

Whoo!

[ sputters ]

maybe someone else would like

to share some emotions.

Dalton, you have something

you'd like to share

with the group, maybe?

Sure.

[ clears throat ]

oh, okay.

My name is dalton,

and I'm a man.

Hi, dalton. Hi, dalton.

Hi, dalton. Hi, dalton.

Hello, men.

And, uh, I guess

it's been two weeks

since I last acted like a guy.

And, um, fell off the wagon --

almost fell off the wagon

yesterday.

See, I went clothes shopping

with the wife,

and, uh, we went to that women's

store out in port asbestos.

You know the one?

It's across the street

from the hardware store.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, anyway...

You know,

I-I-I fought temptation

because I could have said,

you know,

"no, dear,

you go on along inside

"'cause I got

to pick up something

at the hardware store."

but that would have been acting

like a guy.

And I didn't.

I could have.

'cause they had that --

hardware store had the table

right out on the sidewalk,

you know?

The "everything on this table

is a dollar" table?

They had this rolled-up

window screen that --

and -- and -- and these cans

of dented car wax

and the screw nails and --

oh, oh, oh!

This brand-new barbecue

only had one leg missing.

Oh, my gosh.

A dollar?

Oh, geez,

I wanted that, boy!

I don't mind admitting it!

I just wanted that!

Well, okay,

I don't mind saying

that I could have killed

an hour at that table, easy!

But I didn't.

I went back in and went shopping

with my wife instead.

Good.

Of course, you know,

after I dropped her off,

I nipped back

and got that barbecue.

[ laughs ]

yeah, and I got this set

of four ratchets made in china.

Four for a buck!

Two still work!

Shiny, bright!

Shiny and bright.

Yes, thank you, dalton.

Red: Well, meanwhile,

back at "adventures with bill,"

we're all set

for our big dart game.

Bill's just gonna put the nail

in the door there,

and, uh, we're gonna hang

the dart board on the --

[ thud ]

oh.

Bill, uh, bill,

bill, that wo--

bill, that won't work.

Bill, bill,

there's nothing to hang it on.

Bill. Bill.

No, bill, that can't work.

That's impossible.

Ow! Ohh!

See what I mean?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Okay. No, no. You're fine,

you're fine, you're fine.

You're fine, you're fine.

Oh, come on. You're fine.

So, we get the door

all straightened around there

and everything.

We're all set, and, uh,

you know, the dart, uh...

Oh, boy.

The dart, uh --

the dart tradition, I believe,

goes back, uh, hundreds

and hundreds of years there

to when they had, uh, I guess,

things to throw darts at --

just passing animals

or whatever.

That -- that line's

not good enough, bill.

No. This is the manly dirt line,

eh?

You know, if you can see the

dart board, you're too close.

Look at that, eh?

I still got it, huh?

Still got the touch.

Not bad.

[ laughs ]

go ahead, bill. Go ahead.

Go on.

There you go.

There you go. There you go.

No, that's my dart.

What?

Where's your dart?

Where did your dart go?

[ bill crying ]

boy, this is a --

where the heck is it?

Oh, there it is.

[ laughs ]

oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Wow. What?

No, no, bill,

I'll just take another shot.

Boy, you know, once --

here we go.

No, that's my dart.

Where's your dart?

Up, up, up, up -- way up.

There we go.

Nice shot, bill.

I'm glad we don't have

a smaller shed.

Now -- [ grunts ]

[ metal clanks ]

nice shot.

[ clatters ]

we're gonna be here a while,

I think, on this one.

[ grunts ]

should I move the van?

[ air hisses ]

that's bill's bike.

[ dog whimpers ]

oh, oh, oh. Oh.

Oh, boy.

I hope he's okay.

Oh, man.

All right, so, bill's --

he's done something.

I'm not quite sure what,

but I guess maybe he must have

been practicing.

Ho! Hey! Hey!

All right!

Yeah. All right.

No, no. Don't. Come on, now.

Take it easy.

What?

Oh, yeah.

This should go well.

Oh, my god. What?

[ stammering ]

now, how -- what?

How's this working here?

Bill, what's going on?

Yeah!

Well, by golly, he's -- he's

done something to his dart game.

That's -- that's incredible.

That's just, uh...

What you gonna do now, bill?

Oh, ohh!

Oh, it's a trick.

Oh, I see.

Okay. Now we're getting

into the circus stuff.

Well, it was only a matter

of time with bill.

You gonna shoot that

blindfolded?

There you go, bill.

[ laughs ]

just checking the blindfold.

That's all.

All right, okay, I'm convinced.

He can't see.

All right.

There's your darts, bill.

And, uh, fire away.

Not -- no, not at me.

Not at me. Not at me.

There we go.

Fire that way. Fire that way.

Good luck.

As if.

[ chuckles ]

what? What?

[ grunts ]

say what?

How's that work?

What's going on here?

Oh, there's some strange force

at work here, folks.

This is not normal.

Yeah!

I'm beginning to suspect --

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

The door swings --

what do we got here?

What do we got here,

bill? Bill? Huh?

What's that?

What's that, bill?

Oh, for gosh sakes,

it's a magnet.

Here's a couple of ties

sent by a viewer

for formal night at the lodge.

Well, we're almost there

with the legal work there

to free up the, uh,

money in the account

of our government

representative,

the late jerome q. Partiger.

Then we'll be able to fix up

the bridge there.

Might even call it

the "jerome q. Partiger

memorial bridge."

or just

"dead jerry's bridge."

come on over here,

harold.

I need you to witness

my signature on this thing here.

What is it? I'm not gonna sign

anything that's in bad taste

or on the fringe

of being illegal.

I'm not asking you

to join the lodge, harold.

Just sign after I do,

okay?

Just sign there.

Right there.

You're the witness, now,

okay?

Don't read it. Don't read it.

Just sign.

No, I'm not gonna sign anything

unless I read it.

Well, okay, what is this?

"signature of family member."

since when are you a member

of the partiger family?

Well, we're all family,

harold --

a family of man, right?

Doesn't mean

I'm directly rela--

it's just legalese.

Just sign that, will you?

[ chuckles ]

ha.

Okay, yeah. Since when?

All right,

whose name is that?

Red partiger?

No, it's red green.

[ chuckles ]

yeah, right.

Since when does your name

have a "p" in it?

Harold, at my age, everything

I do has a "p" in it.

Welcome to the expert portion

of the show,

where we explore

those three little words

that men find,

oh, so difficult to say.

All: "I don't know!"

[ chuckles ]

anyway, joining my uncle red on

the expert portion of the show

is the brand-new lodge person

up here,

moved-in kind of guy --

kevin black.

All righty rooski,

our view writes, "dear experts,

"the drinking water

at our new cottage tastes rusty,

"like I just had a tooth pulled.

Is there anything I can do?"

yeah, all right, uh,

that rusty flavor is iron,

and you got two choices on that.

You can get used to it...

Or you can stop drinking it.

Hey, if god wanted us

to drink water,

he wouldn't have invented beer.

I'm, uh -- I'm actually

just building a place of my own

up here.

Now, we haven't, uh,

got our water piped in yet,

but I know the law.

Now, that rusty flavor --

that is actually the

municipality's responsibility.

They are obligated to provide

we, the taxpayer,

with good,

clean drinking water.

No, they're not.

Nobody up here has town water,

mr. Black.

What?

Well, what are we

supposed to do,

bring in bottled water?

That would --

that would cost a fortune.

No, we dig a well.

[ laughs ]

what?

They still have those?

Well,

almost everyone does.

You're gonna have to get one,

too, there, kevin.

Kevin has just built

a modest little

400,000-square-foot cottage...

That overlooks the lake,

and it also overlooks

what he had to do to afford it.

He bought all of blood point.

Uh,

it's called "bluff point."

yeah, well,

we call it blood point,

but then we know mosquitoes.

The bluff part doesn't kick in

till he tries to sell it.

"sell"? [ chuckles ]

no. I'll never sell it.

No kidding.

[ laughs ]

won't be selling that.

[ chuckles ]

[ mumbling ]

no, I think you're gonna

have to go with the well

on that one there, kevin.

No. Okay, well, I-I will --

I will have a well dug.

Now, how does one go about

getting that done?

Well, one picks up a little unit

we like to call a shovel.

[ laughs ]

[ laughing ]

no, seriously.

Who do I hire? How about

one of your lodge members?

Oh, I don't think

you have that much time.

Or insurance.

Well, I-I'm sure

I will find somebody.

And, boy, golly gosh, I hope

I have good, clean water.

Well, uh, you know

what rotten eggs smell like?

Not really.

You will.

Oop!

Well, I am pleased to say

that thanks

to the jerome q. Partiger

memorial fund,

set up by the late, great

jerome q. Partiger --

here and after

called "the stiff" --

to care for and maintain

the possum lake area

in lieu of salary,

since his expenses went way down

after his death --

thanks to all that

plus the innovative way

we got to get our hands

on that money,

the bridge is fixed and the road

is now open to town.

[ chuckles ]

I cannot believe

the government

continues to pay politicians

after they die.

Well, it's so hard for them

to tell, harold.

And, uh, we even kind of covered

that off.

We had a snap election,

and we've elected

jerome q. Partiger

to a life term.

[ chuckles ]

I really wouldn't call it

a life term.

Well, now,

we changed that, too.

We ruled that the politician

is not legally dead

as long as his bank account

is alive and well.

[ screeching ]

oh, meeting time,

uncle red.

You go ahead, harold.

I'll be right down.

Don't eat all those now,

all right?

If my wife is watching, by

golly, I've had quite a day --

got my van out of the river,

had my name changed over

and back,

spent some government money,

and got a dead guy

elected for life...

And I'm still not tired.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

Captioning made possible by

acorn media

[ indistinct conversations ]

harold:

All rise! All rise up!

All rise up!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Red: Harold, you got any

entertainment for us tonight?

Well, um...

To join possum lodge

or to get yourself

some possum lodge merchandise,

call 1-800-ypossum.

Or if you're a techno geek,

check out harold's home page

on the internet.