Lunar Eclipse/Transcript

The complete transcript for Lunar Eclipse

Opening Scene
{Red is seen outside the lodge bending down to attach a worm-picker's pail onto his left foot with duct tape.}

RED GREEN: You know a man can get pretty hot walking around on a summer's day, especially if that man has a couple extra pounds on him and wears a lot of flannel. Here's a way to keep cool without having to wear sissy clothes. {finishes placing duct tape on the pail} Get yourself a worm-picker's pail, attach it to one foot. {stands up} Then what you need is a {grabs siphon hose} gas siphon hose like this one. You run the hose down inside the pail, up one pant leg, across, and down the other one, and you attach the pump of the siphon {points to his right foot, which is attached to one of the hose's pumps with duct tape} under your foot like that, so that every time you take a step, you're squeezing it. {squeezes the pump with his right foot} Then all you have to do is {grabs a large jug, filled with water and ice cubes, from a nearby worktable} fill up the worm pail with ice water.

{Red proceeds to pour the contents of the jug into the worm-picker's pail.}

RED GREEN: The more you walk, the cooler you feel.

{Red walks off towards the camera, with each step of his right foot squeezing the siphon hose's pump, causing it to squirt water, for a short distance before pausing.}

RED GREEN: {in high-pitched tone} Boy, that water's cold.

{Red resumes walking, turning to his left.}

Intro
''{Red enters the Lodge, waving. The audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Boy, it's pretty exciting up at the Lodge. We're having a lunar eclipse in a couple of days. Around here, that only happens about every 35 years, a little more often if there's a tire fire. Yeah, I want all the guys to get together and go up to Rock Reef Point and watch it from up there just like we did 35 years ago.

{Dalton and Mike excitedly walk into the lodge.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, that's a firm go, Red, we're all set.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, did you clear that up with Anne-Marie?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh ho ho. I don't have to clear it with Anne-Marie. If I say I'm going, I'm going!

MIKE HAMAR: Anne-Marie's at her mother's this week.

RED GREEN: I see. Well, ya know, you gotta be there, I'll tell ya. Only happens every 35 years. Junior's going, Buster's going, Moose is going. Old Man Sedgewick says no, he's already been to the last three.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {crosses arms} Is Stinky Peterson going?

RED GREEN: Well, probably. You know, it's hard to keep the stink man away from a party. That's gonna be great, it'll be fine. And you know something else? The eclipse doesn't happen till midnight, so I'm thinking, why don't we just camp overnight, just like we did 35 years back?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh geez, that was a long time ago. We were all back in high school then!

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, I was in French immersion reform school.

RED GREEN: Wow, did you learn any French there?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh yeah. {pauses} "Bonjour! C'est le seul le combination?" {pauses again} Uh, that means um, "Good day! Who can open the safe?"

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, I remember the bunch of us there that make pretty wet behind the years, eh?

RED GREEN: Once the rain started, we were pretty wet behind everything!

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, it was a while back, eh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh yeah. Boy, we sure didn't know much about life back then, huh? Certainly didn't understand women!

RED GREEN: Oh, then it could've been that long ago.

{Red, Mike and Dalton turn and leave the Lodge.}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
MIKE HAMAR: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

{The camera pulls back to reveal Mike standing behind the card table where Red and Ed are sitting.}

MIKE HAMAR: Today's winner will get to spend the whole day as the town mascot! {grabs a head costume of a cat from under the table, shows it off as Ed freaks out, then places it back under the table} Okay, cover your ears, Ed. {Ed does so} Mr. Green, you got 30 seconds to get Ed to say this word. {turns sign around to show audience; word is...} Nervous. Nervous!

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: {setting sign down on table} And go! {Ed uncovers his ears}

RED GREEN: Okay, Ed, how are you feeling?

ED FRID: Very relaxed, Red, thanks.

RED GREEN: Okay, but when you're not relaxed, you're...

ED FRID: ...easy prey?

RED GREEN: You know that {points towards the audience} when most people get on television like this, in front of a huge audience, you know, they feel very...

{Cut to Ed feeling speechless with his mouth open as he faces towards the audience.}

RED GREEN: Ed? Ed? Ed!

ED FRID: {startled} Oh, what?

RED GREEN: All right, all right, all right, just calm down. What do you call it when you get a dry mouth and you break out in a cold sweat?

ED FRID: A workday.

MIKE HAMAR: You're almost out of time, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Okay, Ed, suppose you're up a ladder, trying to get a raccoon off somebody's roof, and it turns and snarls at you, okay? That makes you...

ED FRID: ...wet my pants.

RED GREEN: Oh, okay, okay. But what does it do to the guy holding the ladder?

ED FRID: Well, makes him pretty nervous, I tell ya.

RED GREEN: There we go! {rings bell to end game as Mike places the mask on Ed's head, causing Ed to look around in disbelief}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Remember when you were young and you used to see old men, out on the street, just standing there, staring at stuff, and now you find yourself doing it? Hey, don't worry. Staring at stuff is a natural thing that happens to middle-aged guys, and I'm not talking about stuff that everybody else looks like, like cyclones and house fires and topless women. I'm talking about those holes they cut in those board fences around the construction sites so you can look in there? The only guys looking in there are middle-aged guys. For some reason, women have no time to stick their head through a sheet of plywood to watch bulldozers push dirt into a pit. But I'll tell you, I'm there every chance that I get, and when I look over at the other holes, I see other guys just like me, with the same blank look and the same open schedule. You don't have to feel bad, you don't have to feel embarrassed. At our age, we know we've already heard ourselves enough. Now it's time to watch others. So don't feel bad if you suddenly realize you've been standing there, watching guys from the city fire tree branches through a wood-chipper for an hour and a half. Just smile, count your blessings, and count your fingers. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 2
{Red is standing in the lodge, as he finishes placing contents into a bag.}

RED GREEN: Well, we're pretty much ready for our all-niter up at Rock Reef Point to watch the lunar eclipse. We've got pretty good response, although some of the guys are afraid it's gonna make them go blind, but they've agreed to watch until they need glasses.

''{Dalton and Mike enter the lodge carrying luggage racks, backpacks, a portable refrigerator and other camping supplies. They are exhausted from the weight of each object.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Where do you want all this stuff?

RED GREEN: What is it?

DALTON HUMPHREY: It's all the stuff we need for the lunar eclipse. It's got food, beverages, blankets, pillows and change underwear.

RED GREEN: It's not that scary, Dalton. Like the eclipse will last about a minute and a half.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sounds like my love life.

RED GREEN: Including the 35-year wait. {points at Dalton and Mike's supplies} Just put that down wherever you want. {Mike looks around for a place to set down his supplies before doing so} Okay, that's good. And I'll tell ya, we can put that in the van when the time comes.

MIKE HAMAR: You know, I got a little surprise for everybody later on.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, does it involve the police?

MIKE HAMAR: {sternly} Why, what have you heard?

RED GREEN: Nothing.

MIKE HAMAR: Then no.

RED GREEN: All right, fine.

{Red, Mike and Dalton look at their watches.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, Winston said he's gonna bring a video camera to capture the lunar eclipse for posterity.

RED GREEN: Okay. {looks at his watch again} That'll be great, that'll be good, and according to that, you know the eclipse is about 10 after 12 and it happens... {looks at his watch once again} ...when did you guys wanna go up there?

MIKE HAMAR: I'd say by about 11 o'clock.

DALTON HUMPHREY: What about 10 o'clock? Might be heavy traffic.

RED GREEN: {looks at his watch once again} Yep, ya don't wanna get caught in Rock Reef Point rush hour, I'll tell ya.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looks at his watch again} What time should we go, huh?

RED GREEN: {looks at his watch once again} Well, 8:30, 9 o'clock I guess.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {excited} Let's go now!

''{Red and Dalton excitedly turn and run out of the lodge with some of the supplies. Mike turns and starts to follow them, but then notices that he has forgotten his supplies, so he stops.''

MIKE HAMAR: {shouting} Hey!

{Mike grabs his supplies and struggles to carry them as he walks back towards the lodge door.}

The Experts
{The camera zooms in on Dalton.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Welcome to that portion of the show {gestures toward audience} where we feature the three little words men find so hard to say:

''{Dalton is revealed to be sitting on a chair, with a table in front of it. Next to his chair, Red and Dwight are sitting on a car-themed couch.}''

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW! {headlights on car couch light up with each word}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {holds up letter} And, uh, this week's letter goes as follows: {reading} "Dear Experts, I hope you can help me with my sin." Oh, no, sorry, that says, {reading again} "help me with my son."

RED GREEN: Might be the same thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {continuing} "He doesn't do anything around the house, he's failing at school and he has the manners of a fig."

RED GREEN: It's probably "manners of a pig," Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, it says "fig." {continuing} "He has no sense of responsibility and no work ethic. My wife said it's just a phase he's going through, but I'm losing hope now that he's 37." Any suggestions? Boy, that sounds like the type of guy my daughter goes out with.

RED GREEN: Well, if he's got the manner of a fig, that could turn into a pretty heavy date.

{Dalton and Red chuckle.}

DWIGHT CARDIFF: This is nothing to joke about. Here, we got a guy who's 37 years old, and he's never worked a day in his life. You gotta respect that.

RED GREEN: Hey, hey, hey, this guy's a dud.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Think of the willpower to resist, uh, the pressure society puts on you to conform and get a job. You know how strong you have to be to sit at that dinner table with your parents for 37 years without buckling. That's not how I spell "dud," Red.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Let's not be too harsh now, maybe this guy's just a late bloomer.

RED GREEN: Oh no, he's not bloom and he's planted too deep.

DALTON HUMPHREY: I'm gonna have to agree on Red on this one. Ya know, I think you should get get a job and be as miserable as the rest of us.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: And make his parents watch him suffer? How could you do that to him?

RED GREEN: I'd get over it.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Look, we gotta have some kind of agreement here, we can't leave this viewer hanging.

RED GREEN: All right, uh, Dwight, what would you take for you to agree with me?

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Five bucks.

RED GREEN: Okay, done. There you go, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Thank you.

RED GREEN: You're welcome, now give him the five bucks.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {surprised} What?

{Dwight gestures towards Dalton, who proceeds to reach towards his left pocket to grab the money as Red turns and leaves the lodge.}

Plot Segment 3
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, a man can get pretty

hot walking around on a

summer's day.

Especially if that man has

got a couple of extra

pounds on him

and wears a lot of flannel.

Here's a way to keep cool

without having to wear

sissy clothes.

Get yourself a

worm picker's pail,

attach it to one foot.

Then what you need is a gas

siphon hose like this one.

You run the hose down

inside the pail,

up one pant leg,

across and down the other one.

Then you attach the pump of

the siphon under your

foot like that

so every time you take a step,

you're squeezing it.

[ crunching sound ]

now all you have to do is fill

up the worm pail with ice water,

and the more you walk,

the cooler you feel.

[ sound of water squirting ]

(in high-pitched voice)

boy, that water's cold.

[ applause ]

[ cheering and applause ]

thank you very much.

Boy, everybody's pretty excited

up at the lodge.

We're gonna have a lunar

eclipse in a couple of days.

Around here that only happens

every 35 years.

A little more often if there's

a tire fire.

I want all the guys to get

together

and go up to rock reef point

and watch it from there

just like we did

35 years ago.

Well, that's a firm go, red.

We're all set.

Oh, yeah, did you

clear that with

anne marie?

Oh-ho, I don't have to

clear it with anne marie.

If I say I'm going,

I'm going!

Anne marie's at

her mother's this week.

Well, you know, you gotta

be there, I'll tell ya.

It only happens

every 35 years.

Junior's going,

buster's going,

moose is going.

Old man sedgwick says no.

He's already been

to the last three.

Is stinky peterson going?

Well, probably.

You know, it's hard to

keep the stink man

away from a party.

Yeah, it's gonna be great.

It'll be fun.

And you know something else?

The eclipse doesn't

happen until midnight.

So I'm thinking, why don't we

just camp overnight,

just like we did

35 years back?

Oh, geez, that was

a long time ago.

We were all back in

high school then.

Yeah, I was in french

immersion reform school.

Wow! Did you learn

any french there?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, bonjour. Qu'est-ce que

c'est le combination?

That means, uh, good day.

Who can open the safe?

Boy, I remember the bunch

of us there that night.

Pretty wet behind

the ears, huh?

Once the rain started,

we were pretty wet

behind everything.

Boy, that was

a while back, eh?

Yeah, boy, we sure didn't know

much about life then, huh.

Certainly didn't

understand women.

( laughing )

well, then it

couldn't have

been that long ago.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

today's winner will get

to spend a whole day

as the town mascot.

Okay, cover your ears, ed.

Mr green, you've got 30 seconds

to get ed to say this word...

Yeah, all right, mike.

And go!

Okay, ed, how are

you feeling?

Fairly relaxed,

red, thanks.

Okay, okay, but when you're

not relaxed you're...

Easy prey?

No, no, okay, you know

when most people get on

television like this

in front of a huge audience,

you know, they feel very...

Ed?

Ed?

Ed!

All right,

just calm down.

Um, what do you call it

when you get a dry mouth

and you break out in

a cold sweat?

A work day.

Uh, we're almost

out of time, mr green.

All right, okay.

Ed, supposing you're

up a ladder trying to get

a raccoon off somebody's roof

and it turns and

snarls at you, okay.

Now, that makes you...

Wet my pants.

Okay, okay.

But what does it do to

the guy holding the ladder?

Oh, makes him

pretty nervous, I tell you.

[ cheering and applause ]

one thing ends,

another begins.

You know, life

goes in cycles.

I'm going through

one of those right now.

This here's my new possum van.

I'm excited about that.

But it also means the end

of my old possum van,

which makes me kinda sad.

But you know with

every older vehicle

there comes a time

when you know it's over.

I won't bore you

with the details.

Let's just say this time

she's not playing possum.

You know, after everything

we've been through together,

I can't just throw her

out like one of donald

trump's girlfriends.

So as a last gesture of

friendship and service,

I'm gonna turn my old possum

van into an air boat.

Like the ones they

have in florida

that kind of whip

through the everglades.

They don't actually go in

the water; they kind of

gloss over it.

And glossing over things has

always been my preferred

lifestyle.

Now, ordinarily, having your

vehicle flipped upside down

would be a setback,

but not in this case.

All you do is trace the shape

of an air boat on the

outside of your van

and then cut away

the part you don't need.

No, wait.

Wait a minute.

On an air boat,

the motor's at the back.

[ sawing sound ]

[ sawing continues ]

okay, had a bit

of a snag there.

Had to turn the

engine upside down

so that it was right-side up

because when it was right-side

up, it was upside down.

'course, I had to find a

way to get the engine

to fit onto the motor mounts

from the other side,

but luckily, I have a

universal adapter for that.

Then we get rid of

the rad altogether.

I'll just extend these hoses.

We can suck water right

outta the lake.

Okay, now, the reason I had to

get the rad outta there,

I wanna make room

for a bigger fan blade.

And I know just the thing.

Ah, I could've sworn I saw --

oh, yeah!

Yep, yep, yep.

Here it is.

Now, for a final touch

on her there,

I recycled my

van doors as rudders.

Got 'em hooked up to the

steering wheel.

I know on the real air boats

they have a cage around

the fan blades,

but I figure as long as you

never go back there,

you should be fine.

[ fan blades whirring ]

so remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ cheering and applause ]

[ fan blades whirring

sound of engine ]

remember when you were young

and you used to see old

men out on the street

just standing there

staring at stuff?

And now you find

yourself doing it.

Hey, don't worry.

Staring at stuff is

a natural thing

that happens to

middle-aged guys.

I'm not talking about stuff

that everyone else looks at,

like cyclones, house fires

and topless women.

I'm talking about those holes

they cut in board fences

around the construction sites

so you can look in there.

The only guys that are looking

in there are middle-aged guys.

For some reason women have no

time to stick their head

through a sheet of plywood

to watch bulldozers push

dirt into a pit.

But I tell ya, I'm there

every chance I get.

And when I look over

at the other holes,

I see other guys

just like me.

With the same blank look

and the same open schedule.

You don't have to feel bad;

you don't have to feel

embarrassed.

At our age we already know

we've heard ourselves enough.

Now it's time to watch others.

So don't feel bad if you

suddenly realise

you've been standing there

watching guys from the city

fire tree branches through

a wood chipper for an

hour and a half.

Just smile,

count your blessings,

and count your fingers.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

well, we're pretty much ready

for our all-nighter up at

rock reef point

to watch the lunar eclipse.

We've had pretty good response;

although some of the guys

are afraid it's gonna

make them go blind,

but they agreed to watch until

they need glasses.

[ laughter and applause ]

where do you want

all this stuff?

What is it?

Well, it's all the stuff

we need for the

lunar eclipse.

It's got food, beverages,

blankets, pillows

and a change of underwear.

It's not that scary, dalton.

The eclipse lasts

about a minute and a half.

Sounds like my love life.

Including the

35-year wait.

Just put that down

wherever you want.

Yeah, okay,

that's good.

I'll tell you what,

we can put it in the

van when the time comes.

Yeah, I got a little surprise

for everybody later on.

Oh, yeah, does it

involve the police?

Why?

What have you heard?

Nothing.

Then, no.

All right.

Fine.

Well, you know,

winston said he's going

to bring the video camera.

Capture the lunar

eclipse for posterity.

Okay, that'll be great.

That'll be good.

Looking forward to that.

You know, the eclipse

is about 10 after 12.

When did you guys

wanna go up there?

Oh, I'd say

about 11 o'clock.

Well, what about 10 o'clock?

There might be heavy traffic.

Yep, don't want to get caught

in rock creek reef rush hour,

I'll tell you.

Well, what time

should we go, huh?

Well, 8:30, 9:00,

I guess.

Yeah, all right!

Well, let's go now!

Hey!

[ grunting ]

[ cheering and applause ]

welcome to that portion of the

show where we feature

those three little words

men find so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

And this week's letter

goes as follows...

"dear experts,

"I'm hoping you can

help me with my sin."

oh, sorry, that says

"help me with my son."

might be the

same thing.

"he doesn't do anything

around the house.

"he's failing at school,

and he has the manners

of a fig."

that's probably "manners

of a pig," dalton.

No, it says fig.

All right.

Yep.

"he has no sense of

responsibility

"and no work ethic.

"my wife says it's just a phase

he's going through,

"but I'm losing hope

now that he's 37.

"any suggestions?"

boy, it sounds like the

type of guy my daughter

goes out with.

Well, if he's got

the manners of a fig,

that could turn into a

pretty heavy date.

( laughing )

this is nothing

to joke about.

Here we've got a guy

who's 37 years old

and he's never worked

a day in his life.

You gotta respect that.

Hey, hey, hey.

This guy is a dud.

Think of the willpower

to resist the pressure

society puts on you

to conform and get a job.

You know how strong you

have to be to sit at

that dinner table

with your parents

for 37 years

without buckling?

That's not how

I spell dud, red.

Let's not be

too harsh now.

Maybe the guy's

just a late bloomer.

No, no, no.

He's not blooming.

He's planted too deep.

You know, I'm gonna have to

agree with red on this one.

I think he

should get a job

and be as miserable

as the rest of us.

[ applause ]

and make his parents

watch him suffer?

How do you do

that to 'em?

I'd get over it.

Look, we've got to find some

kind of agreement here.

We can't leave

this viewer hanging.

Well, all right, uh,

dwight, what'll it take

for you to agree with me?

Five bucks.

Okay, done.

There you go, dalton.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Now give him

the five bucks.

[ red chuckling ]

what?

[ applause ]

red: That's the

possum lake drive-in,

but, um, dalton had an idea

to use it during the day.

You could switch it over

to a golf driving range.

Kind of the same

kind of setup there.

The elevated tee --

just one.

Just one.

It's five bucks,

and you get --

apparently you get a

full bucket of balls

and a club

for the five bucks.

Just hand it over --

hey! Hey! Hey!

Okay, well, mike,

mike's gonna get some balls.

Mike just has

the one as well.

Because he has the lower

vehicle he has problems

getting that.

Now you go out to where

you meet to watch the movie,

and of course, you have the

stand for the speaker there.

Well, you hang your bucket of

balls right on there.

But dalton, well, dalton

knows mike a little too well.

He's thinking maybe

one didn't completely cover

the entire turnout that mike

had presented to dalton

earlier at the booth.

It's just one of those

embarrassing moments in life

when you --

quite a gang in

there, actually.

Now, you see you got 200 --

this is all marked

on the screen.

And the one on the bottom

is arms like a girl,

if you can't hit it

any farther than that.

Where you hit it on

the screen is how far it is.

Of course, dalton's got to giv

us a million instructions.

We understand, dalton.

You hit the ball --

we know.

Dalton, life is too short.

Boys, tee 'em up.

Tee 'em up.

All right, we're ready

to hit now, dalton.

Excuse us.

Excuse us.

Excuse us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You go back to the booth.

There you go.

There you go.

Okay, now we can get

down to some serious --

hold it, guys,

some kids!

Hang on.

Hang on.

Kids using the playground.

Oh, dalton, we see --

we see them!

Dalton.

Boys, tee 'em up.

Tee 'em up.

Away you go.

Away you go.

All right.

Away you go.

All right, there go the kids.

We can get back to golfin'.

Enjoy ourselves.

Now, dalton's a little --

oh, yeah, that's it.

We gotta leave.

It's our fault.

Everything's our fault.

Ah, geez.

All right, boys,

do whatever I say.

You know what I'm thinking?

Tee 'em up, boys!

Tee 'em up.

Tee 'em up.

Tee 'em up.

Good shot!

Good shot!

Good shot!

Good shot!

( chuckling )

thank you very much, dalton.

You have a rainbow day.

Oh, my.

[ applause ]

bernice gave me a

cell phone for christmas.

I wasn't that excited

because to me a cell phone is

just an electronic leash.

Now, this one has

a switch on it

where you can turn

off the ringer

and the unit will vibrate

when you're getting a call.

Now, coincidentally, I had

pulled a muscle in the

small of my back,

trying to do up my belt

after a buffet dinner.

So what I do is I just taped

the cell phone right over

the sore spot.

Now all I have to do

is call myself.

Oh, that feels --

[ vibrating sound ]

oh!

[ vibrating sound ]

and as long as

I don't answer it,

the call is free!

Oh!

[ vibrating sound ]

I was starting to

get some crazy ideas.

It was the roaring '20s.

The century had just

come out of its teens,

but it wasn't ready to settle

down and have children just yet.

People were trying

all kinds of nutbar stunts

just to get attention.

They were riding

on the high wire,

and walking on airplane wings,

swallowing goldfish.

Around here, we had

our own guy...

Possum lodge's own daredevil,

walt gorgovich.

My father would

scare us silly

telling us stories about some

of walt's goofier stunts.

Apparently, walt would gather a

bunch of boys into the kitchen

to watch him stand in

front of a hot stove

and fry a pound of bacon

with no shirt on!

He was one of the first guys

to find out that bacon

was bad for you.

Yeah, his stunts kept

getting weirder.

He used to swallow stuff...

Golf balls, door handles,

every once in a while

a small appliance.

Then there was this

abandoned steam engine

outside of port asbestos.

So one day,

walt says to my father,

"I'm gonna eat that train."

walt's plan to ingest an

entire steam engine

was a threat to some people.

My great uncle was living in

one of the boxcars at the time,

and he was afraid that walt

was gonna eat him out of

house and home.

One day he saw walt tapping on

the train real nervous like.

So my uncle asks walt

what's he doing,

and walt says he's

looking for a soft spot.

Walt was crazy to try

to eat that train.

I had an uncle who

tried to do stuff like that.

Nothing that big.

Oh, he'd eaten a

small bicycle or two

and a buick convertible.

But when walt bit

into that train,

his teeth exploded like a

balloon full of chiclets.

Every one of his teeth

had to be filled.

It broke his spirit, you know.

It really did.

His daredevil days were over.

Yeah, maybe at a party

he'd chew on a ball

of aluminum foil,

but that was about it.

[ animal growling ]

when walt gorgovich

was lying on his death bed,

a group of people came in

and told him that

they had declared

steam engines obsolete.

He closed his eyes

and he smiled,

and he said what were,

thankfully, his last words...

"never bite off

"more than you

can chew chew."

[ applause ]

now, that was a nightmare.

20 of us showed up at rock

cliff point to watch

the lunar eclipse.

Just a bunch of aimless guys

with no alternatives,

just like old times.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ cheering and applause ]

I don't ever wanna

do that again!

How did that

go so wrong so fast?

Well, you were part

of the problem,

bringing

that motorhome.

Well, I was just trying to make

the guys more comfortable.

Well, I know,

but once they saw that,

they didn't want

to go back out to

watch the eclipse.

Well, winston said he'd hook up

his video camera to the tv

so we could all

watch from inside.

Yeah, well, that

lasted three minutes.

Everybody starts yellin',

"what else is on"!

Well, we put on

the baseball game,

and everyone got

tired and went to bed.

And the bad news is

it was only 10:30.

Well, we had to get up early

because I had to get the

motorhome back

before the dealership opened.

You know, I was only trying

to recapture a moment

from our youth.

The whole thing

was a disaster.

You can't

go back, red.

Oh, yeah,

I think you can.

No, the conservation authority

was quite clear.

We can't go back.

Gee, I'm sorry,

mr green.

I'm sorry I missed

the lunar eclipse.

Well, it's all right.

When moose thompson

dropped his pants,

that was enough moon

to last me a lifetime.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead, guys.

I'll be right down.

Uh, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And I think I learned that you

can't go backwards;

you need to go forward.

When I come home tonight I'm

hoping to go forward,

unless you think

that's too forward,

in which case you go into

backward with your lights on

and beep twice.

Okay!

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

sit down. Sit down now.

Have a seat.

Sit down. Everybody sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

All right, guys, now, I'm sorry

we all missed the lunar

eclipse last night.

But apparently winston taped the

whole deal on his video camera.

He's gonna play that tape

back for us right now.

Go ahead, winston.

Winston: Is that a

lunar eclipse?

Red: No, I believe that's

a lens cap eclipse.

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com