Coup De Grass/Transcript

The complete transcript for Coup De Grass

Opening Scene
''{Red walks along outside the lodge, wearing sunglasses. The Possum Van is parked behind him. He walks up to a pickup truck parked nearby.}''

RED GREEN: You know, I was looking for some better way of putting window tinting on my vehicle. And I got thinking... {points to his sunglasses} sunglasses are like window tinting for humans: {leans on truck's driver's side rear-view mirror} make you intimidating, mysterious or just plain cool.

{The camera pulls back to reveal the truck's windshield mounted with racks of sunglasses.}

RED GREEN: If sunglasses can do that for people, why can't they also do it for my truck? {leans on side of truck} 'Cause you get those do-it-yourself homemade window tinting kits, and they never go on even. After a few weeks, it starts to look like Lawrence Welk night at the seniors' home: all bubbles and wrinkles. And then at night, there's not enough light to see where you're going. Whereas with the handyman's window tinting system, {smiles} you're in control! {flips up lenses on his sunglasses} You just flip up your tint for maximum visibility.

{Red turns to the truck and flips a switch on the windshield, flipping up all the lenses on the sunglasses mounted on it.}

Talking Animals
{Red stands in the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Welcome to "Talking Animals". Local animal control officer Ed Frid will be in {looks behind him briefly} any minute now. I think he's gonna bring a bird of some kind. {holds up arms} I'm not sure what kind. He has so many types of birds that he brings.

''{The door behind Red opens and Ed enters, walking slowly and breathing vigorously. He has a falcon wearing a hood perched on his right wrist while wearing a huge glove on his left arm. Red notices.}''

RED GREEN: There he is. Oh, he's got a falcon! {to Ed} That's great, you got the falcon! That's terrific!

ED FRID: Shh! {softly} Not so loud, Red! What are you trying to do, make it mad or something? You trying to scare it into a frenzy or what?

''{Ed walks slowly up to Red. He holds his arm with the falcon perched on it as far out in front of him as possible.}''

RED GREEN: {stepping back nervously} Well, sorry. I mean, it's tame. It's tame, isn't it?

ED FRID: Well... you know, it used to be quite tame, but it's getting a little older now, and a little bitter. {pauses while nodding, then somewhat quickly} We're looking at a very violent bird here.

RED GREEN: Why did– didn't you bring a different falcon?

ED FRID: Well, I– I wanted to, but I couldn't get this one off my arm. {grimaces}

RED GREEN: {looks closely at falcon} Oh boy, he's dug right into your bare wrist there, Ed! {holds up right hand} Shouldn't you have one of those protective gloves on?

ED FRID: {holding up gloved left arm} You mean like this?

RED GREEN: Yeah!

ED FRID: {nods vigorously} Yes, I would definitely recommend that.

RED GREEN: Does that hurt at all?

ED FRID: {looking quite pained} Very much so.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

ED FRID: Intensely painful.

RED GREEN: {looking at wrist falcon is on} You know, it's not bleeding.

ED FRID: No, no, no, but, uh, I think once the talons come out of my skin, some bandages would come in mighty handy. Maybe a few blood donors. I'm type-A.

RED GREEN: Alright, alright. {noticing falcon's hood} Ed, why don't you just take the little hood off and {looks up at ceiling and moves arm around} then he'll just fly around a little.

ED FRID: Yeah, are you out of your MIND?!

RED GREEN: No, I'm just thinking, you know, if he flies away, he'll let go of your arm.

ED FRID: Uh, well, maybe most of it, yeah! But I'm not in a big hurry to test that theory.

RED GREEN: Oh, oh...

ED FRID: It is a very dangerous bird.

RED GREEN: Boy, you know, he looks pretty calm to me.

ED FRID: Oh, that's what he wants you to think. Oh yeah. But all the while, he's sitting there, thinking up new techniques for attack. They kill! That's all these birds think about is {jabs gloved hand out for emphasis} kill! Kill, kill! {pauses} ...Although, you may be right. Uh... he seems to have loosened his grip.

RED GREEN: Sure.

ED FRID: I think he's relaxing a little. Maybe if we just give him a couple more minutes...

RED GREEN: Well, how much more time do we have?

ED FRID: About two minutes, I think.

''{As Ed says this, he turns over his wrist with the falcon on it to check his watch. As this happens, the falcon tips down with the wrist but does not budge. Both Ed and Red look puzzled.}''

ED FRID: Oh dear... {taps falcon's head repeatedly}

RED GREEN: Oh, uh, boy, unless that was a mood swing, I think, uh, I think your falcon is, uh, deceased.

ED FRID: {flipping wrist and falcon on it back and forth} Yeah, uh... I gotta go get a bird removed.

RED GREEN: All right, let's hear it for Ed Frid! Thank you, Ed, thank you!

''{Red and Ed shake hands, Ed using his right hand with the falcon on it and shaking the falcon. He makes a saluting motion and heads for the door.}''

RED GREEN: All right.

ED FRID: See ya, Red! {leaves while they wave goodbye}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older guys who get in trouble when you try to help. I'm talking about when you see your wife or your kids struggling to do something, and you butt in and say, "Here, give me that!" They think you're kind of a showoff, be a know-it-all, trying to inflate your ego. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Your ego is under so much pressure, the last thing you want to do is inflate it. {holds up one hand, smiling} And of course, your wife has that ego pin that she keeps handy. No, no, when you say, "Here, give me that," you're trying to save them from that painful learning curve you've gone through. You know that when something's stuck or doesn't fit or isn't straight, you just haven't hit it hard enough yet. At our age, there's almost nothing that we haven't dropped, hammered, rolled, driven through, smashed, cut too short, or burned. We have this vast knowledge to share, and we want to save our loved ones from the pain and injury. You see, on them, a cut or a bruise is an unsightly blemish. On us, it's just one more knothole on an already very blemished tree. So just tell your family the next time you say, "Here, give me that," you're not trying to be the star. You're just offering to take one for the team. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Ranger Gord's Educational Films
{Red climbs into Fire Watchtower 13 where Ranger Gord is adjusting his film projector.}

RANGER GORD: Oh! Red Green, this is great! You're just in time for my second animated feature. Did you get my notice?

RED GREEN: Well, I'm here, so no.

RANGER GORD: {sitting down next to projector} This one's much better.

RED GREEN: Yeah?

RANGER GORD: I've improved the drawings. I think I've captured the character voices much better, too. Yeah, very reminiscent of Walt Disney's early progress, I think.

RED GREEN: Yeah? More goofy, a little less Mickey Mouse?

RANGER GORD: No, it's more educational.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh.

RANGER GORD: Yeah, this one's all about sun protection.

RED GREEN: Oh.

RANGER GORD: Here we go. {about to start up projector, but then stops himself} Oh, would you like some popcorn before we start?

RED GREEN: Yeah, sure.

{Gord picks up a bowl and offers it to Red, who looks at it with concern.}

RED GREEN: I like it after it's popped.

RANGER GORD: {shrugs} Suit yourself. {puts bowl aside} Oh, you wanna use the bathroom before we start?

RED GREEN: {starting to get up} No, but I wouldn't mind using the exit.

RANGER GORD: {stopping Red} No, no, sh! Down in front! No talking, here we go. {starts projector}

''{The film starts, displaying the titles: "Ranger Gord's Educational Films" and "Written & Directed by Ranger Gord". The film fades to Ranger Gord posing with the title "Starring Ranger Gord". The film fades again to a picture of a smiling sun in front of a rainbow. The title reads, "This week's episode...", then "SUN PROTECTION". The scene then fades to show Gord standing near Little Red and Little Harold.}''

RANGER GORD: Ladies and gentlemen, {holds up index finger} sun safety is important. Know that {holds up other index finger} the sun is your enemy, and you must protect yourself against its {pounds fist into hand} harmful death rays. {points to Red and Harold} Do either of you know how we can destroy the sun once and for all?

LITTLE RED: Uh, I really don't think we need to destroy the sun, Ranger Gord, I think, uh...

RANGER GORD: {running up in Red's face and pointing at him} Think again! Some people would have you believe that the sun is simply a big, harmless ball of burning wood and dead leaves. {waves dismissively} Well, they're wrong. {points up at sun in the sky} The sun is a living being, {clenches hand into fist} set on destroying mankind! So, we must abolish the sun from the sky. {pulls out a pair of shotguns with flashlights and batteries attached to it} Here, take these ray guns.

''{Gord tosses the two ray guns to Red and Harold. Red catches it easily, but when Harold catches his, it knocks him down on the ground.}''

RANGER GORD: {with a look of determination} We'll show that sun! {produces a ray gun of his own} With these ray guns, we can give as good as we get!

LITTLE RED: {dropping his gun} Uh, Gord, I don't think we need to blast the sun. {Harold gets back up} It's, uh, crazy. {holds up a bottle of sunblock labeled "Handyman's Sun Block For Possums"} I'll just put on some sunblock lotion and, uh, well, I'll be fine.

RANGER GORD: {grabbing Red's sunblock bottle} Well, that's just peachy, Little Red. {squeezes bottle over Red's body, causing a lot of pink liquid to pour out and cover Red, then throws bottle in Red's face} You can just sit back, covered in your fancy lotion, and play defense for the rest of your life, never once standing up to the sun. {pats Harold on the head} Meanwhile, Little Harold and I will fight the sun. {poses dramatically} To the death, if we have to! {salutes} Save mankind!

LITTLE HAROLD: {looking quite apprehensive, gulps} To the death?

LITTLE RED: You're not right in the head, Gord.

''{Suddenly, a bolt of lightning appears and zaps Red, reducing him to a pile of ashes. Gord looks up toward the sky. The bolt actually came from another ray gun, held by the sun itself. The sun looks toward Gord and Harold menacingly as it holds its ray gun, which is smoking slightly.}''

RANGER GORD: Oh no! The sun has been eavesdropping on us. It knows what we're up to! There's no time, we must destroy it now!!

''{Gord and Harold fire their ray guns at the sun, but the sun simply dodges the ray blasts. The sun then fires its own ray gun. The blast hits Harold and reduces him to ashes, like Red before him.}''

SUN: Ranger Gord, you fool! Your incredible superhuman powers and godlike body are no match for me! And your pathetic little friends can't help you, either! {laughs evilly}

RANGER GORD: {laughs mockingly, then points at sun} The joke's on you! They were pathetic and little, yes, but they weren't my friends!

''{Gord jumps up into the sky with his arm stretched out in front of him and balled into a fist. He reaches the sun and wraps his arm around it in an arm lock.}''

RANGER GORD: C'mon! Drop it! Drop your gun!

SUN: {dropping gun and looking pained from the arm lock, gasping for breath} Hey! Ow! Come on! Stop it! Stop it, Gord! Ah! Please don't destroy me!

RANGER GORD: Do you promise not to shoot death rays at people anymore?

SUN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: Say it!

SUN: I promise not to shoot death rays at people anymore.

RANGER GORD: {releasing his grip on sun} It's a deal! {shakes hands with sun, now smiling} Well, folks, you heard the sun. Thanks to me, we no longer live in fear of the sun's harmful death rays.

SUN: I sure learned my lesson.

RANGER GORD: Now everyone can spend hours and hours in the sun without a care in the world. {looks down at ash piles that were Red and Harold} Well, everyone but those two.

''{Red and Harold's eyes on the piles blink repeatedly while Gord laughs heartily. A title reads "The End", and the film ends. Cut back to the real Ranger Gord and Red. Gord claps enthusiastically and turns off the projector, while Red keeps staring straight forward.}''