Trout Season/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Thank you, thank you.

This is an exciting day.

First day of trout season.

Oh, I hate trout season.

I hate that.

Fishing shows make

bad television.

This is a fishing show.

It is?

Yeah.

That explains the ratings.

Picture this, uncle red.

You and a bunch of guys

in a canoe waiting for a trout

to bite a rubber minnow.

Not dynamic imagery.

All right, harold,

picture this.

You wearing a paper hat

making french fries.

(audience laughing)

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

on today's show, I'll show you

how to make a tackle box.

Ranger gord has made sandwiches.

I don't ask.

Mike relates his

prison experience to reality.

Dougie tells us

how to get women.

Fishing season

started this morning.

We've had our first arrest.

Before the sun was even up,

bob stuyvesant from the

ministry of natural resources

fined junior singleton

and confiscated

his fishing equipment.

He traded a '78 buick lesabre

for

that stuff.

Not his fishing gear.

Just the aircraft lights.

Aircraft

lights?

Junior had lights on the boat

pointing into the water.

Is that illegal?

Yeah, it's called

unfair advantage.

Bright lights attract fish.

And government agents.

(laughing)

is junior in a lot of trouble?

That's between junior

and the ministry

of natural resources.

Where did he get

aircraft lights?

That's between junior and

the ministry of transportation.

Airplanes shouldn't fly

at night.

It's too dangerous.

Well, it is now.

(laughing)

(red): Later, we'll

practise casting

getting ready for --

oh, boy.

Dropped your sinkers

and everything.

Picking 'em up.

Oh, oh, bill, got all

the lures snagged into you.

I guess you caught yourself.

I'm not going to clean ya.

Ok, this is for

two hours with a wrecking ball

from mcclintock salvage.

You have 30 seconds

to get mr. Hamar

to say this word.

Thirty seconds.

Begin.

All right, mike,

uh, promise.

Death threat?

(laughing)

dedication.

Habitual offender?

Conviction.

Appeal?

(laughing)

um... Honour.

Amongst thieves.

(laughing)

now, mike, when a man and woman

pledge their loyalty,

that's called making a...

Conjugal visit.

(laughing)

♪ oh, she had a rifle

on her dresser ♪

♪ a shotgun on the floor ♪

♪ a pistol in her pillow

and an uzi by the door ♪

♪ she had enough artillery

to start a conflagration ♪

♪ and when she threw

her arms around you ♪

♪ you were pretty much

there for the duration ♪

with this being the start

of trout season,

I got out my fishing gear.

There's a lot, but, hey,

I need it all,

'cause when I go,

I want to stay gone.

I don't want to have to

keep going home

for another hook, or more bait

or another rod,

or magazines, or ice,

or sandwiches,

or my eight tracks,

or any of my fishing gear.

This week I'll show you

how we can make hip waders

that will hold

all of your fishing equipment.

Hopefully you'll never have to

step on dry land again.

The prime component

is one of these wading pools.

I got this one from

junior singleton.

There's a hole in it

from a game of lawn darts.

First, cut a hole

in the middle of the bottom,

that's the same circumference

you are

in the middle of your bottom.

That can't be right.

I'll round it off.

Once you got the hole cut

the size of you,

duct tape

some shoulder straps in there

made of... Duct tape.

And just pull the unit

up onto your shoulders.

That's why they call them

shoulder straps.

And there we go.

We'll have to separate

this pool into compartments.

For that, I suggest

a piece of vinyl siding.

Just peel it off of

somebody's house

while something else loud

is going on,

like, say, an electrical storm.

Just be sure to wear

rubber-soled shoes.

You want to bend this

to fit inside.

I suppose you could

measure this,

but who has that kind of time?

All right, I got her

separated into compartments.

I've got my favourite pop here.

I got the bait in this area.

Got some sandwiches.

And got some tools

in this area.

You never know

when you'll need 'em.

I've added signs

so you can tell what's what,

'cause on a hot day,

the sun beating down,

it's difficult to tell the bait

from the tuna casserole.

That was not a fun day.

No wonder the fish

weren't biting.

Around back, I've got

my first aid, my magazines--

all right,

I can't seem to access

the stuff in the back.

We have what we call

a design flaw.

This will take

a major re-think.

All right,

get yourself a hard hat.

Drive a spike up through that.

We've all done it the other way

a few times, haven't we?

Take a roll of duct tape.

Stick that on

as your bearing.

Probably you've noticed that

this is an army helmet.

I got it from the possum lodge

little theatre group

when "all quiet on

the western front" bombed.

"bombed" is a little strong.

"self-destructed"

is more accurate.

I added some strapping

so these are longer.

I got a hole

at the criss-cross.

Try to line her up with

the spike --

get that in there.

And there you go.

Huh, huh, huh, huh?

Look at that.

Huh, huh?

Now we're fishin'.

It's just like a lazy susan.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I'm going fishin'.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Ranger gord gives the tower

a coat of paint.

Bob stuyvesant

just arrested stinky peterson.

It's the first day

of trout season

and the only thing reeled in

are possum lodge members.

Does stinky qualify as

a large-mouth or a sucker?

Wall-eye actually.

Stinky was fishing at

rock reef point

by chucking sticks of

dynamite into the water.

Apparently that's illegal, too.

They're so strict

about those kind of things.

You're not allowed

to catch unarmed fish

with explosives

or nuclear weapons.

It's put a damper on

sport fishing everywhere.

Is that sarcasm, harold?

Not if I have to explain it.

Is it sarcasm

or not?

Go fish.

(laughing)

an important part of

the forest ranger's job

is rescuing lost campers

and hikers.

The forest is our friend.

But many people enter the forest

unaware of

its potential dangers.

Babes in the woods, right?

Babes?

There's babes here?

Babes, whoa, whoa!

Ow, ow, whoo!

Babes, babes, babes!

Where?

It's just an expression.

Getting back to

your earlier statement.

You've been up here 16 years.

How many people have you

rescued from the woods?

Uh, you mean altogether,

in a bunch?

How many, roughly?

All totalled up?

I don't think the numbers

are important.

So it's none.

Yeah, but I'm ready.

For example, I have

a light sandwich table.

It's light because somebody's

been lost for weeks

and you give them a heavy meal,

you know what happens.

(gagging)

all right, we understand.

I'm even going to

cut the crusts off

to make them even more

digestible.

They look great.

Thanks.

I have a nice punch

for a bit of a mixer.

We'll pass out name tags,

get to know each other,

where you're from,

what you do,

how many people in your party

presumed dead,

how many people

you know personally,

like really know?

Then it's time for

ranger gord's chilli,

and all I can say is

thank goodness we're outside

for that one.

(laughing)

then it's time for tea

and dessert.

Then, to help them assimilate

back into civilization,

we'll play charades.

Charades, gord?

Gord, gord, gord,

you got people in the woods.

They haven't had food

or shelter for a while.

They could have

medical problems.

There could be dehydration,

hypothermia.

It might take them a week

to get back on their feet.

A week?

Yeah, a week.

Wow.

A week out here.

Oh geez,

we could have campfires,

make gimp bracelets,

sing songs, panty raids.

Oh, come on, gord.

Who am I kidding?

Nobody ever gets lost

around here.

I don't know, gord.

You seem pretty much out there

to me.

Welcome to

harold's handicrafts

where crafty hands

make handi-crafts.

Today we'll be making

a country kitchen clock.

Wa-ha-ha-ha.

All right.

First, as always, step one,

gather up some scraps of wood.

That would be these.

Nail them together

and you get

a lovely housing

for the clock mechanism.

Take a couple

and nail them together.

That will be the clock housing.

We won't use that one.

That's gonna -- ah!

Ok,

there.

Isn't that attractive?

(laughing)

(applause)

and it's sturdy, too.

We'll let that glue dry.

And now it's time to work on

the clock mechanism.

For that,

you'll have to buy a kit.

That's in here.

There's everything in here.

You've got the windings.

There's a dark thing.

And stuff.

Look at all this stuff.

And that's exactly

what you need.

Wo-ho-ho-ho.

Ok, there's everything

you're going to

possibly need in here.

Except the instructions.

But that's ok.

That's ok because we can

only hope that it's logical.

There you have it.

A lovely country clock face.

Of course,

you have the mechanisms.

That's intricate.

We won't get into that

this week.

Then you simply insert

the clock mechanism

into the previously-constructed

housing.

All righty.

There you have it.

You're very own country clock.

(laughing)

and you know, the best part is

you made it yourself.

Every year come spring,

it's time to paint

the old watch-tower.

A lot of people might say

"that sounds like a lot of work

painting all those stairs."

but, it's not that bad.

Here, let me show you.

We'll start with a primer coat.

(paint sloshing)

and once that's done,

we'll start with

the first coat.

(paint sloshing)

yup.

And it looks like we need

a second coat here.

(paint sloshing)

there we go.

The job's done.

Oh gee, sorry, red,

I didn't see you

coming up there.

Geez.

Two more lodge members were

arrested for illegal fishing.

This red tape

is killing the sport.

Everybody's ticked off.

The guys on the spanish trawler

are thinking of leaving.

(laughing)

the cops picked up

moose thompson

for poisoning fish.

Who wants to eat poison fish?

He uses benzene, harold.

So it all burns off

when you cook it.

It tastes like the fish

was cooked in australian wine.

Why don't you guys

just fish the normal way?

Well, buster hadfield

was fined and arrested,

and he was fishing with

a hook and a line.

A grappling hook

and a high-tension power line!

Anybody using a metal lure

had most of their body hair

burned off.

People pay to have

their body hair removed.

What happens if

I lose my eyebrows

and they don't grow back?

You could be

a female impersonator

instead of a male impersonator.

(laughing and applause)

meanwhile, back at

the casting contest --

that's a heck of a lure

you got on there, bill.

Bill and I are

warming up our skills.

We had a bucket.

It was close.

Yeah, it's close.

You give it a try,

big mouth.

No, not that way.

What are you doing?

There's an unusual technique.

So he tries her again.

Right in.

No, bill, no -- oh.

You know, this is something

you should do on your own,

especially when

you're with bill.

His reel's all jammed up

'cause he bought

the rod and reel for 99 cents,

brand new.

What are you doing?

There's no fishing gear

in there.

There's no fishing gear

in there, you dumb, big...

What's going on?

That's a wrench.

What are you doing?

What have you got there?

That's my starting motor.

What are you doing with

my starting motor?

What's the plan?

He'll use that

as a fishing reel.

Later that day

the sun came out.

He got a hold of that one,

didn't he?

Look at that baby go.

Look out for the wires.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

He's got the steel line

on there, too.

How does that feel?

What happens now is,

unfortunately, I guess,

the starting motor

started winding the line in,

and bill's gone.

He's not winding the line in.

He's winding bill

up to the line.

Look out, bill!

Oh, oh.

Gosh, that was--

(laughing)

and up he goes.

But, hey,

all's well that ends well.

Should have seen

the one that got away.

Stay tuned while I adjust

my fish finder.

Well, I've had it.

Bob stuyvesant just confiscated

all my fishing equipment

right out of my boat.

What would give him the right

to take my stuff?

It's his stuff --

you borrowed it last year.

Oh yeah, o

if the government

had their way,

you know what fishing

would be?

Sitting in a boat

with a rod, a reel and a lure,

waiting for some fish

to bite it.

That's not a sport --

that's gambling.

Why don't you use

legal equipment,

like a fish finder?

You know what I'll do?

Use a fish

finder? Use a fish

finder.

You know why

I didn't think of this?

I waste time arguing with you.

I won't do that any more.

Excellent.

Welcome to the expert portion

of the show.

On this week's portion

we have my uncle red

and his friend,

mr. Dougie franklin.

(applause)

ok, here we go.

First letter goes as follows:

"dear experts"

"I find a certain woman

very attractive,

"and she seems nice.

"whenever I talk to her

"she makes a face

like something is burning,

"then jumps into a taxi.

"what's

the deal?

"mr. Lonely."

not much to go on there.

Mr. Lonely could be

mr. Loser.

Or maybe the woman

is just playing hard to get.

Well, no, red --

it's been my experience,

women don't play

hard to get.

They are hard to get.

(laughing)

you don't walk up to a woman

and start a conversation.

You drive up.

There's a hint,

bold as brass

in that letter.

"she got into a taxi."

hint, hint.

Get yourself a set of wheels.

What, like your monster truck,

mr. Franklin?

'cause personally I find that

completely inappropriate.

Well, don't you go

kidding yourself, harold.

Women love a monster truck.

They love the power.

They love the size.

Women love all that rubber.

You're up in the truck.

Don't you need

something shorter

to make that eye-to-eye thing

that they recommend

in those magazines

that bernice buys?

You're onto something, red.

If you take that thought

a little farther,

it might behove you

when you buy your vehicle

to get one that puts you

at eye level

of whatever it is

you want to be looking at

while you're talking to it.

Catch my drift?

And another thing,

power windows.

Women love a man that can

drive up smooth as can be,

raise and lower his windows

without cranking and wheezing.

You know why?

It makes 'em think

you're good with your hands.

(laughing)

problem,

uncle red?

This fish finder's useless.

Maybe it's a loose wire.

Is it covered by warranty?

Was it covered by warranty?

I told everybody that

fish finders were legal.

So everybody goes

and buys a fish finder,

or borrowed one or stole one.

We monitored every cubic inch

of possum lake.

We'd see every fish in the lake.

Nobody saw anything.

Completely blank screens.

Stinky peterson told us that

bob stuyvesant and the ministry

of natural resources

must have sent out

a jamming signal.

Let me get this straight.

Not one fish finder

registered fish?

No, sir.

Before they had

their dynamite, poison

and high-voltage lines

confiscated,

did one member catch a fish?

No -- what's your point?

There are no fish

in possum lake!

Possum lake is fishless!

Golly, that's a relief.

A relief?

No, possum lake is

completely lifeless.

Here I thought

my fish finder was broken.

All right, it is broken.

But it makes me feel better

about having

the equipment confiscated.

Actually, it's a joke

on bob stuyvesant.

He took away all our stuff

to protect the fish,

and there aren't any.

What an idiot!

(laughing)

(squealing)

it's meeting time.

You go ahead.

Don't tell the guys

about the no-fish.

I want to give them

the good news.

If my wife is watching,

I won't be bringing

a mess of fish.

I'll stop at

the take-out place.

That way we don't have to

cut the heads off

or pull the guts out,

unless I go to the cheap place.

For the rest of you,

on behalf of harold and myself

and the gang at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(possum squeal)

(harold): All rise.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(harold): I intercepted

a message.

The ministry of transportation

is doing a surprise inspection.

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Boy, this too much.