The Firefly Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

And admire the glory

of the universe.

We figure we can improve it.

It's not smart or correct,

but it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ moose grunts ]

[ water splashes ]

on today's show,

I'm gonna turn a bedspring

into a bug zapper...

Ranger gord is having

his correspondence-school

class reunion...

Glen and I

are gonna pinstripe a boat...

And then bill is gonna take

an unexpected jog in the forest.

I'm gonna show you

how easy it is

to work with

the self-sticking floor tiles.

And now let's meet a man

who still looks

like his grade-six picture --

even though it was taken

almost seven years ago --

my uncle, mr. Red green!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

And here's a guy who looks

exactly like his x-rays --

my nephew, harold.

[ keyboard clacking,

bear growling ]

you see what happens

to teenagers

when they're not allowed

to use heavy equipment?

We had a big week this week

up at the lodge here.

A bunch of us took the roof

right off of buster's house.

Now, buster has had

some great ideas,

but this one

is really super.

Oh, yeah -- better

than his underwater pool?

[ laughs ]

better than his lightning trap?

Better than

his surface-to-air clothesline?

[ laughs ]

harold, buster has paid

his last lighting bill.

Took off all the shingles,

took out the ceilings

of his house,

replaced them all with glass --

100% natural lighting.

Excuse me, uncle red,

but what about at night?

Well, harold,

he's gonna fill the whole attic

with fireflies.

And at night,

when those little guys light up,

so will buster's house.

Well, perhaps he should remember

that ancient saying --

he who live in glass house

should not have bugs in roof.

And don't forget

that other ancient saying --

bug-eyed goof with glasses

not allowed in my house.

[ bear growls ]

hi. I'm ranger gord.

What year is it?

[ pulley squeaking ]

[ sticks and guitar playing ]

♪ jack went looking

for firewood ♪

♪ so hal

went looking for jack ♪

♪ stan went looking

an hour ago ♪

♪ and none of them

ever come back ♪

♪ so george went out

with a flare gun ♪

♪ stan went to see

where they are ♪

♪ this is one

of the complications ♪

♪ when you camp

right next door to a bar ♪

[ water splashes ]

well, you know, when you started

going out with her,

you were just separated

from your first wife.

You promised

that you'd marry her.

Then your divorce

came through.

You promised

you'd marry her.

So you started

living together.

You promised her

you'd marry her.

Now, you don't have to be

a white hat

to see a pattern

developing here.

You promised her

you'd marry her.

And to date you have not,

and I would say

that her anger in you is

what they would call justified.

Yeah, but we're not here

to sell you

on the virtues

of getting married.

No, we don't want to

talk you into something

you already

screwed up once.

We're here to help you stall

for more time.

'cause even if you propose

to her tonight,

and we hope you will,

there's still a lot

of speed bumps you can use

to kind of delay the process

to get you up the aisle there.

Like picking the ring --

now, that should take

two months' salary.

You don't know how much that is

till you get a job.

Then there's scheduling

the date.

There's so many things

to work around there --

all the sports playoffs.

And take,

uh, picking china.

I mean,

that could take months,

even if you are

being helpful.

And there's which church.

Oh, yeah, minister,

justice of the peace.

Guest list.

Flowers.

Cake.

Oh, you can

stretch this out

well into

the next millennium.

Oh, yeah,

you'll be pulling pension,

sitting in a wheelchair,

by the time they roll you

down the aisle.

And if you still need to stall

for more time,

you can rig the wheels

to fall off.

By that point,

I would imagine

the wheels would be falling off

pretty near everything.

[ quacking ]

while buster hadfield

is corralling all the fireflies

in the area,

I thought I'd show you

how to handle

some of the other bugs

that we get up here.

I'm assuming

you can still kill insects

without offending a lobby group

of some kind.

All right, for starters,

what you want to do

is to combine a couple

of flyswatters

with another common

household kitchen appliance --

the rat trap.

Now, don't worry.

This isn't occupied.

This is moose thompson's sock.

He probably got nailed

trying to raid the fridge.

All right,

the first thing you want to do

is to attach the flyswatters

to the rat trap,

using the handyman's

secret weapon -- duct tape.

All right,

now I got the flyswatters

attached to the rat trap,

and now I got to just bait it.

You know what they say

about honey attracts flies.

All right,

now I wait for a fly.

Harold says there's a fly

in this box over here.

Ah. I see.

All right.

That's my fault.

I'm the one who trusted harold.

All right,

so, the fly comes flying in.

[ imitates buzzing ]

lands on the trap.

Boom.

Ho! By golly!

That is great.

Might want to stand

well back on that.

Now for those of you

who like to kill bugs,

say, a hundred at a time or so,

I'm gonna show you how to make

a gigantic fly strip.

And what you're gonna need

are some of these, uh,

peel-and-stick floor tiles

that you got left over

from that kitchen project

where you measured wrong,

multiplied wrong,

converted to metric wrong,

and then didn't let your wife

choose the pattern.

All right, now,

you're gonna need something

to stick these things onto

to become your fly strip --

something big.

I'm thinking window.

[ glass shatters ]

all right, no, no.

I'm thinking door.

Here we go.

This thing will catch the bugs

on their way in

or on their way out,

depending on how clean

you keep your house.

All right,

this becomes your fly strip,

and now what you got to do

to make that all work

is, uh, put the, uh, floor tiles

on, sticky side out,

using a staple gun.

[ grunts ]

boy, these things really stick.

This is gonna work great.

[ grunts ]

oh, man.

[ grunts ]

it's always a good idea to have

extra tools and extra clothes

on this project.

Or, you know,

what you could do is

to staple all the tiles on first

and then peel the backing off.

Yeah. Yeah, that would work.

Learn from my mistakes.

Somebody should.

Another tip -- you might

want to leave the sticky stuff

off the bottom couple

of feet of the door

if you have a dog or

a little kid or something.

Now, this thing will work great

and everything,

but it's a little passive

for my taste.

I like something

that uses power,

so I'm thinking

electric bug zapper, huh?

And what you're gonna need for

this is one of these old beds,

'cause you want the metal spring

out of the bottom,

and you're gonna need yourself

a roll of chicken wire.

Now, I've wrapped

the chicken wire

all around the old,

metal bedspring

so that none of the bugs will be

able to slip through the cracks.

What you want to do is

to hook this whole rig up

to the biggest power box

you got in your home.

[ chuckles ]

I'll tell you, the neighbors

will have something

to talk about here...

If they can hear themselves

over the sound of bugs frying.

Remember -- if women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Let's see if we got

any flying pests around here.

[ electricity crackling ]

boy, that works great.

Kind of an odd smell, though.

I could open up

one of them cajun restaurants --

mosquito cooking.

Stay tuned.

Coming up, I'm gonna do

something to bill

that I always wanted to.

And harold,

like so many teenagers,

had a little something extra

in his pants.

Well,

the guys have installed

the glass roof

in buster's house.

It's looking real good --

one giant skylight.

Wa-a!

From the top of the hill

looking down, it looks like

a giant sandwich container

with a see-through lid.

It's tight, it's dry,

and it's ready

for the fireflies.

Buster figures a couple

of hundred thousand

will give him

enough light at night

and then privacy

during the daytime.

Mrs. Hadfield

is a lovely woman,

but you just don't

want to see a lot of her

before 10:00 in the morning,

I'll tell you.

Well, where's buster gonna get

all these fireflies from?

He's paying for them, harold --

a penny apiece.

I figure I'm gonna make a few

bucks with this jar right here.

[ laughs ]

uncle red, when it comes

to catching bugs,

I am the champ.

Yeah, that's true.

They're drawn to you like flies

to something or other.

Maybe when the bugs

see you,

they think it's

a family reunion, harold.

Or maybe it's because

I'm an ichthyologist.

Boy, there's a fancy word

for "doofus."

[ engine revs ]

portions of this show

would have been brought to you

by braxton's marina,

but we're having an off year.

Ah, okay, oh, it's a good one.

"lost -- a large european

lycosa taran-tula."

wa-a-a!

That sounds interesting.

Wa-a-a! Wa-a-a! "also known

as the tarantula spider."

ah. Okay.

"it escaped from a cage,

likes dark, warm places.

"contact stinky if you see him

or if you suddenly feel

a painful, sharp bite."

that rules me out.

Wa-a-a.

[ animal sniffing ]

what's that?

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

[ shrieking ]

[ chomp! ]

ow. Don't bite there.

Don't bite there.

Oh, I'm young.

Don't bite that.

Ah. Oh.

Mm, uncle red, help!

[ chomp! ]

[ screams ]

[ bear growls ]

ranger gord.

Red!

Yeah?

Red, come on in.

Come on in.

You too, harold.

Come on. Please.

You're just in time.

What's going on here,

gord?

Well, my correspondence school

is having a reunion today.

Where is everybody?

Well, it's a correspondence

school, red.

Everybody's where they've

always been -- at home.

That's where we went

to school, see?

And, I must say, I think

I've held out pretty well.

I still have

all my own hair.

Did you see that?

Yeah, all right.

My good sports jacket

still fits me.

Uh-huh.

Oh, there's my old

pen-and-pencil set.

That brings back

some memories.

Oh, for gosh sakes.

You know, if -- if I was at

a real school with real people,

I-I bet they'd tease

the heck out of me

in how I never let

anybody borrow these.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

For sure.

Uh, gord, before we get

too far into this,

what can you tell me

about catching fireflies?

Not too much, red.

Oh.

But I know somebody who does.

I know somebody who does.

Wait.

Yeah.

There he is -- harry wells.

He majored in entomology.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

There's his address,

if you want.

Yeah. Yeah.

[ laughs ]

he was the class clown,

I remember.

Oh, what a character!

Whoa!

[ laughs ]

uh, gord -- gord,

you never met this guy.

No, no.

But in my mind -- in my mind,

I-I imagine that he was.

Hmm.

There's

joanna armstrong.

Oh, I had -- I had a crush

on her something fierce.

Why don't you go tell her

at the reunion, you know?

The address is right there.

Look, there we go.

No, that's just the address

of the correspondence school.

Yeah, where everybody's meeting

today for the reunion.

You know?

Read what it says.

What?

Yeah.

Oh.

No!

No.

No, I couldn't.

I mean, that would be

dereliction of duty.

I-I couldn't leave here.

Oh, sure.

I'll tell you what.

Tell you what.

I'll cover for you for a day.

Won't you, harold?

No! No.

It's my duty.

It makes me who I am.

Yeah, that's for sure,

gord.

Want some punch?

Harold, want some punch?

[ tires screech, crash ]

[ high-pitched voice ]

oh, uncle red.

Harold, you seen

my bait box anywhere?

Oh, uncle red, I have

a tarantula in my pants.

Uh, no, thanks.

I'm gonna use dew worms.

Help me.

Help me, please.

Ohh, help me.

What?

Speak up, harold.

I have a huge killer tarantula

in my pants!

Wa-a-a!

What is with

you young people?

First you got the earrings.

Then you got the nose rings.

Now you're putting

killer spiders in your pants.

"lycosa tarantula.

Warm, dark places.

Sharp, painful bite."

well, why is it

in your pants, harold?

Don't they feed

those things?

All right.

Don't worry about it.

I'll get it.

Where is it?

In the back, left side.

Ohh!

All right.

Hold still. Hold still.

Hold still.

Hold still now.

Wait, wait.

All right,

hang on, hang on, hang on.

Hang on, hang on,

hang on, hang on.

[ squeak! Pop! ]

there. Got it.

[ shuddering ]

do you want to see it?

No, that's fine.

Shall I just take it outside

and dispose of it?

All right,

but you owe me one.

No, no. We're even.

[ explosion ]

red: Well, it's time

for "adventures with bill,"

and what do you got

for us today, bill?

I don't wear hats --

not that kind of --

oh, oh, I see.

Oh, it's a bee keep--

oh, a bee keep-- oh, boy.

I don't know.

You're gonna be

a bee keeper, bill?

I don't know.

I don't -- I'm always

kind of leery about bees.

Oh, my gosh.

Look at that hive.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Stay back,

stay back, stay back.

I'm not allergic or anything,

but I don't want -- oh, man.

Now, apparently they don't go

far from the hive,

so you're really not in

as much danger as, you know --

but it's right on

the end of the --

bill, you -- bill, you hung --

bill, you hung your stuff

right on the end

of the branch --

of the -- the same hive --

well, all right, all right.

I wouldn't shake that.

I'd be a little careful

of that, bill.

Now, apparently,

these bees -- bill.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh.

Apparently these outfits are

made of some kind of material

that the bee stinger won't go --

I'm putting the hat on, yeah.

I don't -- I --

the flannel is fine.

Bill, don't pull.

Bill, don't -- bill. Bill. Bill.

No, I wouldn't pull too hard.

Oh, oh, oh.

Well, don't have to worry

about that anymore.

Now, actually, I feel like

I'm a kindergarten teacher,

trying to help him get his

little coveralls on there.

What was that?

What was that?

I think something

went by there, bill.

Did you see or hear

something go by?

No? Oh, well.

I guess we're okay.

Now he's gonna collect honey.

Apparently, if you just stick a

knife in the bottom of the hive,

the honey will just drip

out of there,

just like jimmie rodgers

was singing a song about it.

So that's my job, I guess.

Like heck it is.

I'm not going anywhere

near them.

Well, where's the hive?

Where did it go?

Where did the hive go?

Wait a minute.

I hope that's a hive.

I got a knife here,

so just stand still, bill.

This will be perfectly safe,

I think.

I'm pretty sure.

[ pop! ]

oh, maybe not.

[ bees buzzing ]

wow. Wow.

Look at that.

Looks like one of those,

uh, tap dancers, you know,

those singing-and-dancing guys.

Maybe you should be in one

of those "b" movies.

Coming up,

harold's gonna use his face

to prove that bugs

will eat anything.

And our home-reno expert, mike,

is gonna do some wiring for us.

Uh, if a little knowledge

is a dangerous thing,

possum lodge has got to be the

most dangerous place on earth.

I don't remember

catching fireflies

ever being

life-threatening.

I could be flirting

with malaria.

Well, if it works

like your other flirting,

you got nothing

to worry about.

So, how many fireflies

have you caught so far?

Roughly none.

Ha ha ha!

Good, we're tied.

Well, I stopped trying,

harold,

until buster gets

the fire put out.

He had a fire?

Yeah, something to do

with the angle of the sun

hitting the pitch

of the roof.

And then when they put

the glass in,

they kind of crimped her,

so she's a bit bent,

and it made like a laser beam

into his house.

Wow, that's cool.

Yeah, that's like

when you take a magnifying glass

and you hold it just so,

you know,

so you can burn the legs

off ants.

Well, this

actually burned the legs

off of buster's

dining-room suite.

And then as the day went by,

with the sun moving,

that beam scorched a straight

line across the rug,

cut the couch in half,

bisected the coffee table,

melted the fridge,

and cooked the kissing gouramis

in his aquarium.

Wow.

What's he gonna do now?

A rain dance,

I would think.

Yeah.

[ keyboard clacking,

bear growls ]

you know what the hardest part

of this job is?

Leap years.

Man!

This week, in our dream-home

renovation segment,

we're gonna do some work

on the lodge itself,

'cause you know that old saying,

charity begins at home --

of course, not my home.

Well, you know, to me, the mark

of a truly wonderful house

is the number

of electrical outlets it has.

You can't have enough

of those babies.

So I've asked mike here to put

another electrical outlet

up into my bedroom,

right above us here.

And please welcome

our contractor, mike.

Hi, mr. Green.

Well, here it is --

the plug to your bedroom,

just like you asked for.

Uh, mike, it looks like you took

a wire from the basement,

come up through the floor,

and gone straight up

through the ceiling there.

Yeah,

and I'll tell you why.

You got a plug

in the middle of your room.

Yeah.

You can plug into anything you

want in the whole wide room.

It's convenient.

Yeah, yeah.

See, I'm applying myself,

mr. Green...

Yeah.

...Just like you and the prison

chaplain told me to.

No, no, no,

that's -- that's good.

I just -- you know,

I just don't know how I feel

about this cable hanging

right through the center

of the living room here.

Well,

nobody will notice.

No, I-I think

they might, mike.

You know, it kind of catches

your eye there.

God, I knew it wouldn't work.

I mean, I'm useless.

I'm just a piece of garbage,

you know, just useless.

Now, mike, don't get

down on yourself.

You tried something.

It just didn't fly, that's all.

Hey, I got a great idea.

We build a wall,

cover up the wire, right,

right down

the middle here, right?

You separate your living room

into two rooms.

You got two living rooms,

right?

Well,

two half living rooms.

Okay, okay.

Then you build a wall

just up to here,

like a half wall, right?

If you want to talk,

you can say, "hello, hello."

hello, hello.

See? Yeah?

That would be nice.

I like it.

I like it.

Like a dutch --

a dutch wall.

A dutch wall, yeah.

All right.

And then what would you do

with the cable

that goes from there

on up?

Aw, geez.

Oh!

I'm a piece

of human farm manure.

That's what I am,

nothing better than that.

You know, just send me back,

lock me up, take me away.

I'm a piece of uselessness.

That's what I am.

Got a thought.

Got a thought.

What?

You see that

vertical beam there?

Why don't we bring that

over here,

put the wire

up inside it?

Nobody's gonna see it.

Nobody's gonna be any the wiser.

Well, that's a supporting beam,

isn't it?

Yeah, but we'll move it

really fast.

[ laughs ]

huh? Huh? Huh?

Mr. Green!

I know.

You're a genius,

you know?

And here we are at braxton's

marina with glen braxton here.

I understand business

is booming, glen.

Oh, ain't that right?

Last year,

we lost $50,000.

Yeah.

This year, only halfway

through the season,

we're only down $12,000.

So we're pretty excited.

Well, that is a big success

story right there, yeah.

Oh, things will

turn around, red,

what with free trade

and interest rates

and that insurance claim.

[ laughs ]

that's good.

Yeah, and this year

we're offering

better service

to our customers, too.

Oh, I would think

service would be a huge

growth area for you.

Oh, and we changed hours,

so now we're open

during the season.

Right.

Yeah, and, you know,

we jacked prices way up, too.

Oh, right, and, of course,

you're doing

the boat-care demonstration

as part of our show.

Exactly, which brings us

to today's, uh, boating tip.

It's how to make your boat

look better.

Uh-huh.

So, if it doesn't run good,

that doesn't mean

it can't look good.

No, I-I guess

with a boat like this,

we go see edgar,

get some dynamite,

and blow this pup--

no, no, red.

What? What?

The insurance company

won't buy that twice.

Oh.

[ both chuckle ]

so, anyway, red, pinstriping --

that's the key.

Oh, gosh.

Here you go.

I can't do it, red.

I get dizzy

when I bend over.

Oh. All right. Now, what kind

of tape is this, glen?

Uh, gore-tex, vortex --

I can't --

but a salesman told me

they used it

on the hubble

space telescope.

No kidding.

Yeah,

it's waterproof, fireproof,

non-fading,

and meteor-resistant.

Wow, you know, buster should

run a strip of this

right across

his living-room floor.

It'll block

that sunbeam thing.

Oh, he could --

sure, he could do that. Yeah.

You know, he could put it

right across a hardwood floor,

'cause it's made

for a lapstrake wood boat.

For gosh sakes.

Yeah, you're only limited

by your imagination, red.

Well, let's see

if I can catch my limit.

[ humming ]

glen, you got

any more tape there?

No. That was all

the free samples, red.

You save enough

for the name?

Well, yeah, as long as

the boat's called hyphen.

I don't think

it's gonna matter, red.

No?

No, you only use a name

to identify a boat.

I-I think we got

that covered.

Okay.

Well, buster hadfield's

firefly skylight

is going into the possum lodge

record books --

the first project that did not

cause serious injury

and almost worked.

Almost?

I thought it looked great

last night --

all those fireflies all over

the place in the ceiling --

looked like shooting stars.

Yeah, he had his own planetarium

for a while there,

but buster didn't take

into account the bats.

I mean, the bats saw

all them fireflies,

looked at them like one of them

all-you-can-eat bug buffets.

They started

dive-bombing the house.

Oh, no. Splat?

Yeah, but not that splat.

They pulled out of the dive

'cause their radar detected

the glass.

But the bat droppings, harold --

holy mackerel.

Blocked out the sun.

So, to scrape them off,

buster had to hook up

a gigantic windshield wiper.

Excuse me, uncle red,

but what did he use?

Well, he went and ripped off

one of them flashing arms

from the railroad crossing.

Oh, that is illegal

and dangerous.

Oh, no. It worked great.

Oh, you mean the train crash?

Well, harold, nobody can prove

that that arm

would have stopped the cow from

going on the tracks, anyway.

You know, you don't realize how

many parts there are in a cow

till you see one broken down

into its components like that.

Oh, boy.

[ chuckles ]

where's the beef?

All over buster's roof,

actually.

So he's going back

to regular shingles,

but the good news is

he's gonna have a barbecue

and invite us all over

as soon as he scrapes

all the hamburger

out of

the eaves troughs.

[ screeching ]

don't mention that

at the meeting tonight.

No, no.

I'll be down in a little

while -- a half-hour or so.

Okay.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming, uh,

straight home after the meeting,

and I'm bringing us

a little -- a little pet --

a little firefly named sparky.

I figure we can keep him

down at the foot of the bed.

And that way,

maybe I won't stub my toe

when I get up

in the middle of the night.

Mind you, the bed has to be

shaken for him to work.

And to the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching,

and until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

harold:

All rise! All rise!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right.

To find out more about

possum lodge merchandise,

call 1-800-ypossum

or check out harold's home page

on the internet,

www.Redgreen.Com.