Historic Site/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, nothing says status

like having two cars,

especially if they both run.

And wouldn't it be great

to have a place to store them,

even if all you had

was a single-car garage?

Well, all you need is a

couple of playground

slides like these

and two sections of those

roller conveyer things

they have at the beer store.

You just drive up so that

your outside wheels go

up the slides,

and let gravity

take care of the rest.

Oh, don't forget

to fasten your seat belt.

And you might want to stop and

let your wife get out first.

[ laughter and applause ]

[  cheering and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Got a bit of a problem

this week at the lodge.

This is today's paper, the

"possum lake daily movement."

[ laughter ]

lot of interesting

stuff in here.

Apparently the berlin wall

is down.

[ laughter ]

but listen to this.

Possum lake city council

has passed a new by-law

that says that it is unlawful

for any local club or

organization or lodge

to operate without a permit.

They won't -- they'll never

give us a permit.

I mean, this is the beginning

of the end right here.

We need to find somebody who

knows how to get a legal

loophole going for us.

[ laughter and applause ]

so perfect

timing, mike.

Did you happen to see page

four of today's paper?

Yeah, the possum lake

sunshine girl.

Whoa!

Oh, no, that's

an ornamental shrub.

Oh.

I'm talking about city

council passing

that by-law.

They're trying to

shut down possum lodge.

Well, how do you know that?

Well, it says

right there

"they're trying to shut

down possum lodge."

[ laughter ]

well, like, doesn't the

lodge have historical

value or anything?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, it's old.

It smells old.

You know, that may

be good enough.

It works for senators.

[ laughter ]

why?

What were you thinking?

Well, in the historic

erection provision,

subsection "c," part 14,

it says -- and I quote,

"consideration must be given

to erected structures,

edifices and buildings

"which have stood

for 150 years.

"each erection must

be assessed by a committee

"to assess its

historical value.

"sufficient significance

shall result

"in preservation

of said erection."

[ laughter and applause ]

okay, uh, so all we have

to do is prove the lodge

is at least

150 years old.

How do we do that?

Well, we could show them

the kitchen and bathroom.

[ laughter and applause ]

it's time for

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

the prize for today's

contest is...

A free neck waddle reduction

at possum lake's first and only

plastic surgery clinic,

tuck and roll.

[ laughter ]

red, you have

30 seconds to --

red, you have 30 seconds

to get dalton humphries to

say this word here...

And go.

All right, dalton, for a store

to be successful it has

to have good...

Security.

No, this is something

all your customers want.

Refunds.

[ laughter ]

no, no, somebody comes

into your store,

and they can't find

what they're looking for.

They need...

Their brain examined.

We have everything.

It's the everything store.

That's why it's called

humphries' everything store

because we

have everything.

All right, but you know,

I'm thinking maybe this is

one thing you don't have.

Repeat customers.

[ laughter ]

come on, guys.

Time, time, time.

Okay, you know, somebody

comes into your store,

even though they're not

buying anything,

and you give them...

A cold stare.

All right, dalton, what bugs

you the most about owning

the store?

All of it.

I hate all of it.

Well, why the heck did you

open the store in the

first place?

Because my dad left it

to me in his will.

Of course, I didn't find out

about it until the funeral

service, for crying out --

[ bell ringing ]

hi, winston rothschild here of

rothschild's sewage and septic

sucking services.

If it's burning your nose

and curling your toes

and changing the flame

on your candle,

you're not less of a man,

ask for a hand

'cause you've got more on

your plate than you can handle.

[ laughter and applause ]

you may have noticed that the

reel on this fishing rod

has had some

functionality problems

in the area of managing the

winding in and out of the

fishing line,

which really is the sole

purpose of its existence.

Now, a younger man might take

all that tangled line off there

and rewind it on properly,

but at my age,

I don't have the time

or the vocabulary

to get through that

much frustration.

But that doesn't mean this

fishing rod is useless.

If we threw things out just

because they no longer

did the job

they were originally

intended to do,

bernice would stick me out

at the end of the lane

on garbage day.

No, sir.

We're gonna give this

fishing rod a whole new life.

Taking our inspiration from the

technology of the weed whacker,

we're gonna make

a hedge whacker.

All's you need is a

fishing rod, a cordless drill

and a pair of roller blades

maybe your kids gave you to

speed up the inheritance.

To start off you want to

attach the drill to one

of your roller blades,

using the handyman's

secret weapon,

duct tape.

Okay, that's our basic hedge

whacker configuration.

Now, the drill will spin

the fishing rod,

and the roller blades

will allow the whole unit

to run smoothly

along the ground.

Now what you wanna do is add

a chunk of fishing line

as your cutter.

You can use whatever

strength of line you want,

depending on the hedge

you're cutting.

I'd say with a chinese elm,

go with a 40-pound test.

And I'm using

a four-foot length

so I'll be able to

cut the whole hedge

in one pass.

Now, to get the

centrifugal force going,

you might wanna add a couple

of lead sinkers to one end

of the line.

I'd say really crimp

those babies on there,

'cause if they come off at

100 miles per hour,

you'll never find 'em.

Now you attach the other end of

the line to one of the guides

on the fishing rod.

You got several heights

to choose from,

depending on how high

you wanna cut your hedge.

You got low, you got medium.

I'm gonna go

with eyeball height.

I recommend

safety glasses first.

Okay, we're all set to go,

and here's a

little extra bonus.

I ran a long length

of fishing line

down to the far end

of the hedge.

Tied her off there.

And on this end

I've got a fish hook,

which I just put into

the lowest rod guide.

Now when the rod turns

inside the drill, see,

the line winds up, and

it pulls the whole unit

the whole length

of the hedge.

Is that great or what?

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Let's give her a try.

Just lock the drill

in the 'on' position,

and stand back,

stand well back.

I got a letter from a viewer.

Seemed like a nice fella.

Said he's never

missed an episode.

He wanted me to do one of these

talks about memory loss.

I didn't have

the heart to tell him

I've done three or four

of 'em already.

So here goes another one.

Apparently,

doing crossword puzzles

will prevent memory loss.

I heard that somewhere.

Can't remember where.

Anyway, I thought I'd

give it a try.

So last night, bernice was

gonna be home a bit late.

She asked me to put

the potatoes on to boil

before she got there.

So I did that, then I

went into the living room

and started on

a crossword puzzle.

Next thing you know, I'm kinda

gazing off thinking,

boy, I used to know that word.

Then I heard the smoke alarm

go off in the kitchen.

Then I realised that crosswords

don't prevent memory loss,

they confirm it.

So I say don't worry

about your memory.

As long as you have a

wallet and a tackle box,

anything you want you

can either buy or fish for.

And the only word

you need to remember

are the ones you use

to explain to your wife

how you burned her

best pot boiling potatoes.

And those words are,

"that's what you get

for asking me to cook."

and there's one other thing

you need to remember...

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

hi, winston rothschild here

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Call me when your business

isn't going down the drain.

Well, we're still trying

to prove the lodge

is old enough

to avoid the

wrecking ball.

Old man sedgwick offered

to help us out.

He says he remembers

coming to the lodge

when he was just

a little kid.

He's not very

convincing, though,

because he says at

the time he was

a little girl.

So instead, we're gonna

take some artifacts

down there.

I've got the original

possum lodge mail box.

I figure the dates

on some of these bills

might prove

she's kinda old.

I don't think they

go back far enough.

But this log

might do the trick.

I pulled it out

of the lodge foundation.

It goes

back a while.

Wow.

That's pretty spongy.

Yeah, it takes a long time

to get that rotten.

They used to say that

about my grandfather.

Wait a minute,

isn't there a kind of

ultra-violet scanner

they put on things to

tell how old they are?

Hey, that's right!

The local cops have got one.

I always wanted to try it

out on tina turner.

Why don't we just get

the oldest thing

at the lodge

and take it down there

and get it tested?

That's a great idea.

What's the oldest

part of the lodge?

Well, I would say

the front door.

Where's the front door?

It's at the back.

Oh.

Red! Red green!

Welcome.

You are welcome here, sir.

Yeah. All right.

I brought you

a newspaper.

Oh, for the

hamster cage, huh?

Well, thanks anyway,

but howard didn't

have a very good week.

Oh, no, you didn't

eat him, did you, gord?

No, I let him out

of his cage

so that he could

play around a bit.

Then I put him on

top of the railing

so he could see

the forest better,

and --

I guess he must

have slipped.

Hamsters can't fly,

can they?

He did for a little while.

All right.

Okay, gord.

Okay, well, cheer up.

Actually, that's not

what the newspaper's for.

No?

No. No.

Uh, do you know what

personal ads are, gord?

Oh, boy, yeah.

Whoa!

I didn't think so.

Okay --

personal ads are a

way to use the newspaper

to meet women.

I'm loving this already.

See what it says there?

"single women

seeking single men."

how do I meet

these women?

Well, no, you don't want

to meet just any woman.

Oh, yes, I do.

You wanna find that one

special woman to bond with.

Bond!

Is that what they're

calling it nowadays?

Guess I've been

out of touch, huh?

Well, yeah, you have.

But you've gotta think

about what kind of

woman do you like?

Oh, well, let me see.

Uh, age is important.

She has to be over 21

and under 100.

Uh, oh, she can't

be afraid of heights.

And, uh, no,

I guess that's about it.

So how do I

meet these women?

Well, I guess you just phone

up the ones who put their

numbers on their ads.

Really?

Yeah.

I'd talk to a real,

live woman,

not a recording?

I'd say, hello,

this is ranger gord.

I was just wondering if we

could get married some time.

Um, you might want to

let them do the talking.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Play hard to get, huh?

I'm not sure I want to get

married and settle down anyways.

Next thing you know, they'd be

asking me to get rid of my

imaginary girlfriends.

Oh, like, as if.

Uh, you know, gord, this might

be a better ad for you.

"hamster, free to good home."

what's the number?

Give me the number.

Red: Winston and walter

called me out to the

baseball diamond.

I didn't know what they wanted

they were gonna set up

a home run contest

between the two of 'em.

Pretty ambitious schedule,

I would say,

if you're gonna get

that many home runs.

I gotta be home by christmas.

They wanted me to be the judge

stand out by the fence.

Catch any

errant balls, I guess.

Oh, they're gonna flip a coin

winston wanted to flip a coin

and see who would go first.

So I said, "fine."

walter goes first.

Take the sign out with me.

All right, winston,

you're pitching.

Out you go.

And I get myself

set up by the fence there.

It's just a normal reasonable

sized ball diamond.

And I'm all set.

And let's get her going.

All right, winston,

fire him the first pitch.

Let's get this going.

He's out there on the mound,

looking for the sign,

of which there is none.

Can we pick this

up a bit, boys?

All right, let's go.

He looks ready.

Not yet.

All right, he's ready.

No!

All right, okay, okay.

No, just a minute.

All right.

Okay, time out.

Time out.

What have you got in there?

Sensing your life is going by

just a bit too slowly?

All right, here we go.

Fire it in there, winston.

Fire it in.

Fire it in.

Throw the ball.

Fire it in.

All right, he's ready.

Fire it in.

Fire it in.

Oh, the ol' spitball.

Man, this could get ugly.

All right, fire it in.

Fire it in.

Here she comes.

Here she comes.

And --

oh, too much spit.

You do what you

gotta do, you know?

This is gonna be a while.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

An-n-nd...

There it is.

Oh, hiya!

And a little bit

late on that one.

That's one out.

Yeah, okay.

He gets the three outs

on this, I believe.

And he --

what's that?

Oh, he doesn't like --

oh, it's the bat.

The bat's too heavy.

Get a lighter bat.

Speed him up a bit.

Is that one good?

That's good.

All right, here we go.

He's ready.

Let's go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

He's ready.

Let's go.

Okay, throw it in.

Okay, he's ready.

He's ready.

He's ready.

Let her rip.

Check first.

There's nobody there!

Would you just throw the --

there we go, and, oh!

That's gotta hurt.

[ red chuckling ]

that's right.

Two out.

Two out,

one more to go.

No home runs for walter.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, who could blame me?

Oh, a little

different approach.

That should cover the entire

strike zone, I would think.

Yes, he got it.

He got it!

It's goin' --

that could be --

that could be --

no.

Okay, I believe

that is the third,

and you're outta there.

Now, winston, let's see

what you can do with it.

Okay, walter, grab the ball.

Fire it in at him.

[ snoring ]

I had lost all my interest in

what they were doing here.

Winston's all set, and he's

a strong little fella.

So let's see --

oh, boy.

And, and --

oh!

Man, he got --

oh, that --

it could be.

It could be.

Oh! Oh!

That's a home run!

Well, winston, you win.

You know anybody who commutes

to work on a regular basis

knows just how great it

would be if you could get

just a little more sleep.

Even an extra 10 or 15

minutes of shut-eye

would mean that you

wouldn't have to do

so much of your sleeping

while you were

in traffic or at work.

Think about this.

Instead of having to get

up early to make your

coffee at home,

or allowing time to stop

at the busy drive-thru,

I'm gonna show you how you

can make your own coffee

while you're on

your way to work.

You take an old kettle,

and you mount a spark

plug in the side

and a thermostat and a spout

in the bottom of her there,

and you hang the whole

unit from your sun visor.

Then you pull one of the

ignition wires off your engine.

You run that up

to the spark plug.

Oh, sure, she'll run

a bit rough,

but you get used to it.

And now what happens is the

spark plug heats up the water,

and once the

water gets hot enough,

that'll open the thermostat.

Let's the hot water flow down

into this oil funnel,

which is lined with

a number 10 coffee filter.

Now you just fill her up with

your favourite blend,

by golly, you're on your way.

And you'll see I've got the

other end of the funnel

positioned over my coffee mug,

which is mounted

in the handyman's

secret weapon cup holder.

Of course, you have all this

pre-set the night before

so you can sleep in that extra

little bit in the morning.

You come in and you pull

out of the driveway,

and as soon as

the engine warms up --

you can wake up

to the smell of coffee.

And a couple

of minutes later,

you'll be enjoying

a fresh cup of joe.

[ applause ]

hi, winston rothschild here

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

We want your business,

and we'll come right to your

backyard to get it.

You've done something

really stupid.

Could be the worst

stunt you've ever pulled.

And you know that because

it's so quiet at home

you can hear your stuff

being tossed out onto

the cedar hedge.

You're in trouble,

all right.

Trouble is,

you don't know why.

The information you so

desperately seek

is being doled out on a

need-to-know basis.

And it goes

something like this.

"wrong? What makes you

think anything is wrong?"

or "if you need to ask,

I'm not gonna tell you!"

see, you

just can't ask.

Well,

that'd be suicide

because you're

already supposed to know.

So what are you gonna do?

You are a guerrilla

in a border skirmish

that's been going on

since you got married,

so you do what

a soldier does best.

You wait.

You stand loosely

at attention

and pray that the big artillery

doesn't reach the front.

Show no fear!

Maintain a

non-aggressive stance.

Do not, under any

circumstances,

question

the commander.

You'll be issued

new orders soon.

Until then,

be prepared

to surrender

and stand at ease

until further notice.

And do not think

about an attack.

Your rear flank

is far too exposed.

Don't thank us.

That's what friends

are for.

[ applause ]

you know, you should

never lose faith.

Whenever the lord

closes a window,

he'll often blow off

a front door.

Well, we had the

door analysed,

hoping we could save

the lodge from being

torn down.

Yeah, had a complete

chemical evaluation.

Turns out the door

only dates back to 1952.

They didn't even get

that from the test.

The price tag

was still on the door.

Said possum lake lumber, 1952.

I phoned over to

make sure that was the date

not just the price.

It was the date.

Yeah, we still

owe them the price.

But here's

the good news.

The chemical analysis showed

that the lodge is full of

asbestos

and p.C.B.S and carcinogens they

hadn't even thought of yet.

If they tear the lodge down,

all that stuff

goes into the ground.

It'll be an

environmental disaster.

So city council ruled to

preserve the lodge

because it'd be too

dangerous to wreck it.

Is this our

lucky day, or what?

[ applause ]

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time,

mr green.

You go ahead, mike.

I'll be right down.

Should I take

this as a door prize?

No. No.

Well, that's it for

our show --

don't slam the door.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And I kind of learned that

we have to take care of

the old things.

We've got to

treasure our antiques,

especially if

they're each other,

so I'll be coming home tonight

with the furniture oil.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and the

whole gang up here at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

everybody sit down.

Sit down.

Sit. Sit. Sit.

Sit. Sit.

Everyone sit.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Red: All right, men, you know

how we've always wondered

what year old man

sedgwick was born?

Well, we took him down,

and we had him tested

on this special

piece of equipment.

And they've

narrowed it down to

some time during

the mesozoic era.

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