The Ghost Of Possum Lodge/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Red green:

You know, as good as they're

getting at making cars

they still got

a few flaws in 'em.

For example,

headlight design.

Headlights only point in the

direction that you're going.

How are you supposed to

see street signs or house

numbers or hitchhikers?

What you need is some kind

of movable search light

that points wherever

you're looking.

I'm not one of those useless

drivers that needs to keep

his eyes on the road,

and with this rig

I can see everything.

I can even look behind me.

[ crash ]

did not see that coming.

[ cheering and applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you. Appreciate that.

[ whistling and applause ]

well, been kinda quiet

at the lodge this week.

Not the kind of quiet that

happens just before

the entire sioux nation

comes up over the ridge.

No, I'm talking about

a peaceful quiet;

you know, when you can just

lay back, close your eyes,

and bathe in

the sounds of nature.

Mr. Green!

Mr. Green!

Okay, that was more

of a sponge bath.

What is it,

mike?

Mr. Green, were you up

walking around late last

night in the lodge?

Oh, yeah, pretty late,

9:30, maybe 10:00.

I'm talking about

like 2:00 in the morning,

walking back and

forth in here.

Oh, no, if I was up

at 2:00 in the morning,

I was in a lot

smaller room than this.

I knew it!

We have a ghost.

I can always tell.

Well, you're familiar

with spirits, I know that.

No, no, I can sense the

presence of the supernatural.

I have been

touched by the gift.

Now, I know you

don't believe all that.

Well, I believe

the touched part.

Mr. Green, this is a ghost,

and he's here.

Have you ever felt the room

suddenly go cold?

Mike, every married

man in the world has

experienced that.

[ laughter and applause ]

we have all kinds of things

in the lodge that could

pass as ghosts.

We got mice in the walls;

there's squirrels in the --

there's some cheese downstairs

that'll stand up and

talk to you.

That's fine.

You can be skeptical.

But I'm telling you,

there is a ghost

somewhere in

possum lodge.

[ slam ]

he's out right now.

Would you care to

leave a message?

It's time for

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

today's winner receives this

deluxe tattoo removal kit.

Okay, dalton, cover up

the ol' side mirrors there.

Harold, you've got

30 seconds

to get dalton humphrey

to say this word...

Okay, okay.

Thank you, winston.

And go!

Okay, this is a pest

that comes around

and bothers people

when they're eating.

Richard simmons?

Birds and bees can do it.

Oh, sorry.

I used to know.

Okay, this is

something birds can do

and most people

wish they could.

Oh, oh, relieve themselves

whenever they want.

No, no.

That's not it.

This is something you would

find on the front

of your pants.

Soup stains.

You're almost outta time.

No!

It's him!

Tell him!

Okay, all right, um,

if you suddenly find

yourself up in the sky

above your house,

what would you be doing?

Lighting my barbecue.

Come on, dalton!

Have you ever heard of

a cartoon character

named dumbo?

Oh, he was so cute

with those big ears.

Okay, what could he do?

He could hear,

that's for sure!

Yes, he could hear, but he

could do something special.

To people.

He was nice

what?

That's not what

I'm looking for!

Well, nobody is.

They don't appreciate

a gentle soul like dumbo.

Wouldn't hurt a fly.

[ ringing bell ]

that's it.

When your septics go bad,

there's no one to blame.

No need to apologize

or cower in shame.

Call for a pump-out,

rothschild's the name.

It beats losing your home

in a huge purple flame.

Oh, man, a dent!

Don't you hate that?

You try to keep your

vehicle looking mint,

and then some

bonehead comes along

and nails you with his

door in a parking lot.

And of course

no note or anything.

Oh, no.

The guy doesn't even have the

guts to admit his mistake

and face it like a man.

I tell you something,

I've got an idea that might

just be crazy enough to work.

And I guarantee you this,

I'm at least crazy

enough to try it.

[ tires squealing ]

all right, this here

is an arc welder.

Oh, yeah,

there you are.

This is an arc welder here.

I just used it to fix

the frame on this bicycle.

You get a real strong

weld to this baby.

Look at this.

You know, I'm thinking this

is gonna be the key component

in my parking lot criminal

identification device.

I'm gonna need a

better name before

I go national with this.

But my first and

only real problem is

coming up with enough

portable electricity

to power the unit.

You know, there are

a lot of great advantages

to having vehicles lying

around your property.

You can use 'em as tool sheds,

bus shelters for the kids,

and guest cabins

for your wife's relatives.

Here's a bonus

that I tapped into.

Every one of those vehicles

has got a battery in it,

so I can hook them all up

to run my arc welder.

I'm gonna hook them up

in uneven series here.

[ zap! ]

okay, we're good to go here.

Gotta set my trap.

First thing you wanna do

is take the ground wire

of the arc welder

and attach that

to the ground.

Okay, now you wanna

take the live end

and attach that

directly to the van.

I would suggest you

do that kinda quick.

Okay, and you're

good to go.

Now if someone should come

along and happen to

touch the van

with, say, their door,

well, they get to learn just

a little big more about

electricity.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ chuckling ]

hey, buddy,

you lookin' for someone?

Uh, I think the owner

of the van is in

the store.

Have a great day.

[ cheering and applause ]

.

Men have trouble

communicating.

They say we don't

talk very much.

You older guys know

what I mean.

Remember 20 years ago when you

asked your wife to marry you

and she's been waiting for

a half decent follow-up

question ever since?

And it's not, "are you gonna

finish that sandwich?"

but I find that

as men get older

they actually talk more

than they did when

they were young.

The only problem is they're

the only ones in the room.

You've all been

there, haven't you?

Wandering around the house,

looking for your car keys.

Pretty soon you're muttering

away like that weird guy

in the park

who thinks your

dog is a communist.

Oh, sure, sometimes

we try to cover

by talking to

the tv or the radio,

but I think we all know that

deep down that the guy

selling speed stick

can't hear you telling

where to speed stick it.

But in my opinion, talking to

yourself is nothing to

be ashamed of.

I mean, you have things

that need to be said,

and you don't

wanna offend anybody.

You know, by saying them to

yourself when you're alone

you're probably saving

your job, your marriage,

maybe even your life.

So ladies, when you see us

talking to ourselves,

just leave us alone.

You'll know when we're ready

to have a conversation

because we'll clam up.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

yeah! Yeah!

( waking up )

hey, red, you in there?

Well, you finally

made it, huh, winston?

Yeah, well, I'm in

a bit of a hurry,

so if you have

anything to tell me,

you better fire away.

Oh, okay, well, I know

you don't go on dates

very often, winston,

and I just wanted to

give you a few tips.

For example, picking

her up on foot

is never particularly

impressive, all right?

Oh, in know that.

I'm just parked

down the road.

Anything else?

Is there

oh.

Yeah, well, okay.

Well, for starters,

your wardrobe choice

doesn't exactly

scream romance.

Hey, I'm presenting myself

as a successful

entrepreneur.

I don't care if she knows

I'm in the sewage business.

Well, she'd be able

to figure that out

no matter what

you were wearing.

Oh, man, are you picking

her up in your

septic truck?

Hey, this is a

$90,000 vehicle.

It's like being picked

up in a mercedes.

Besides, it's gonna

be dark by then,

and this baby looks

pretty sharp at night.

You know, winston,

darkness doesn't

hide aroma.

If you were married,

you'd know that.

Oh, I got her

these flowers.

Geez, what

happened to 'em?

Over fertilized?

I guess so.

Anyway, I gotta

get going.

I gotta pick her

up at 8:30.

Oh, I meant to ask you,

I got a call for

a pump-out at 9:00.

And I was thinking I could

just do it on the way

to the drive-in.

You know, give her a chance

to sort of see me in action.

Or should I just

cancel the pump-out?

No, don't cancel.

If you're picking

her up at 8:30,

I figure the date'll

be over by nine.

Great!

[ coughing ]

well, mike's got

everybody stirred up

about this

lodge ghost thing.

He's the only

one who's seen it.

But now the other guys are

saying stuff is being moved,

and the lodge

is all messed up.

I haven't noticed anything.

I think I know

who the ghost is.

I found this old obituary

column from the '50s.

Did you ever hear of a lodge

member by the name of

henry thorkelson?

Oh, sure,

the possum lake wiggler.

Did he have

a nervous twitch?

No, he invented a lure.

He called it

the possum lake wiggler.

He only made one of 'em.

Well, you know,

a lot of the time,

ghosts are people

who died unexpectedly,

and it says in

this column here

that henry thorkelson was

in a boating accident.

No, no, not really.

He jumped on the main dock

and the board come up,

hit him on the head

and knocked him into

the spinning prop

of the float plane.

So it was really

more of a plane crash.

Were they able

to save him?

Well, they saved

a fair bit of him.

Audience: O-o-h!

You know the sad thing

was he never got to

use that lure.

He was so proud

of that thing.

Odd looking.

It was yellow

and orange.

It had a rubber

wing on it,

and the eyes looked like

they were jewels, you know.

It's around the

lodge somewhere.

Uh -- well -- no.

I actually believe

that that lure

somehow found its way

to my place.

Now, I don't know how

that could've happened.

I mean, it's not like I

slipped it home in my toolbox

after last week's

meeting or anything.

I think I'll just go

back home -- nip back home

and I'll bring the

lure back here, okay?

Make the ghost

more satisfied,

happy, and --

yeah, you know, mike,

I think that's a

great idea.

I mean, it's no

big deal, right?

I mean, you said yourself

it was a lousy lure.

I mean, it never

caught anything.

Not until now, no.

Red: Uh, once a year

we go out the back

and try to clean up lodge.

I hate that day.

Dalton said he'd help,

and he had some kind

of a plan.

He was gonna

bring a machine.

I wasn't quite sure

what he was gonna do.

We had a dumpster

all set there.

There's dalton now.

He's got the truck.

He's got something in the

back he's gonna use for

the clean-up he said.

I didn't know --

by golly, I believe that's

a jet engine, isn't it?

First thing we gotta do,

we gotta get her outta the --

they're heavy.

Those units are heavy.

I don't know how they fly.

Then dalton gets an idea.

It's a jet engine.

It'll get itself

outta the truck.

There we go.

So now what we're gonna do

is use the jet engine

as basically a

vacuum cleaner.

So we duct taped her to

the side of the dumpster.

Then we ran a hose

off the intake side.

Then dalton said --

I'll fire it up,

and let's see

how she's goes.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my gosh!

That things got a lot --

holy cow!

There's the

garden hose even.

Wow!

Look at that thing go!

That's got a lot --

oh, my goodness.

Lotta suction.

Yeah, it works on

dry stuff, dalton.

But how does she fare

with the wet stuff, huh?

That's what I

always wanna know.

Oh, my golly,

pretty darned good.

Look at that.

Oh, ho-ho.

Oh, boy.

And there's our whole yard

cleaned up in about

five minutes.

Fantastic job.

Well, I just --

that's enough for me.

I wanna just -- I'll go in

and watch the game now.

But, dalton, he wants to --

I don't wanna --

dalton, I don't care.

No, I know it works.

It's fine.

All right.

All right, fine.

I've seen a dumpster

full of garbage before.

What?

Well, this one isn't.

Where the heck?

Oh, dalton.

I think you misjudged where

you placed the jet engine.

All right, well, now he

gets to drive it away.

[ applause ]

today on the talking

animals portion

of our show,

local animal

control officer, ed frid,

is gonna tell us

all about foxes.

Yeah.

That's right, red.

Or as they're known in the

scientific community,

vulpes vulpes.

Wow!

What does vulpes mean?

Fox.

So the scientific

name is fox fox?

Seem a little

redundant to you?

Well, not if you

got one chasin' you.

You know,

fox! Fox! Fox!

Okay.

Yeah, all right.

Fox! Fox! Fox!

I understand.

Okay.

Well, why don't you

bring him out here?

Yeah.

Okay, uh --

actually, red, you know,

it's a she,

and you're supposed to refer

to the females as vixens.

I'm not doing that,

thanks, anyway, ed.

Just get the fox

for us, will you?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Right.

Uh, you know what?

Something else I

just remembered

is foxes really

aren't all that sly.

That's just

a myth.

I find that their

intentions are very clear.

Get the fox, ed.

You got it.

You got it.

You know, red,

um, I think most

people already know

what a fox looks like.

Ed, you're doin' a segment

on my show about foxes.

Of course do.

To see a fox.

I think we need

all right, for those of you

here in the studio audience,

I would caution you,

do not make any sudden moves,

or cross your legs in

such a way that the animal

could mistake you

for a chicken.

Oh, boy.

Easy. Easy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Easy. Okay, easy.

All right, we're good.

Don't anybody panic.

Okay, there you go.

[ laughter ]

that's a dog, ed.

It's a member of

the canine family, yes.

This is a

fox terrier.

Well, let's not argue

about semantics, red.

You told me you were

bringing a fox,

and you bring me

a fox terrier?

Well, this should

be good enough.

I mean, it's got

the word fox in it.

Just use your imagination.

I'm paying you 100 bucks,

and you bring in

a fox terrier?

No, you're payin'

me 200 bucks.

No, I'm payin' you 100 bucks.

Just use your imagination.

The smart handyman knows

that your best projects

are done alone.

That way there's nobody

there trying to tell you

how stupid or

impossible they are.

Unfortunately...

It means you have to do all

the heavy lifting by yourself.

When you wanna take

the project indoors

to, say, the dining

room table,

there's no one there to

hold the door open for you.

Well, here's a

simple solution.

Mount a rope from the door

into the chuck of your

electric drill.

Then plug the drill

into a motion detector.

That's the part that'll open

the door when it sees

you coming.

Now, to close the door,

take that old thigh master

from the bottom of

your wife's to do list,

and hook that on there as your

spring loaded door return.

And she works like a charm.

As soon as I get

past the threshold,

the motion detector

shuts the drill off,

and the thigh master

closes the door.

Oh, man.

[ applause ]

we at rothschild's sewage

and septic sucking services

would like to remind you

it's cabbage season.

Time to put us on

speed dial.

Where do you want me to put

this, mr. Ghostbuster?

Right in the

middle of the room.

Ghosts always like to be

right in the middle

of the room

so they can see

all the exits.

Can't they float

through walls?

Uh, well, yeah,

sometimes.

I mean, there's different

levels of ghost, you see.

They're called

different levels.

Different levels?

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Like, some ghosts

can walk through walls;

and some ghosts

can go through --

menopause?

Are you gonna be

serious about this?

You know, it doesn't seem

to be going that way, no.

Open the trunk.

All right.

You gonna get

in there, mike?

No, no.

I'm gonna drop the possum

lake wiggler in there.

Then when our

guest comes along,

he'll go inside there.

I flip the lid shut.

We got him.

I mean, what better lure

to catch the ghost of

henry thorkelson

than the one

he invented himself?

That's pretty

good detective work.

Of course, you've

met so many of them,

haven't you, mike?

Okay, you gotta be quiet.

Go turn out the light,

and find somewhere to

sit and wait, okay?

Why do I have

to be quiet?

It's impossible

to spook a ghost.

We don't want him

to notice us.

Notice us?

How stupid is this guy?

Well, he was a

lodge member.

All right, fair enough.

Boy, it's getting cold

in here, isn't it?

Here it is!

Oh, boy.

Audience: Oooh!

Where's he going?

Where's he going?

Oh, there he is!

Over to the trunk!

Go get him!

Get him! Get him!

Get him!

Get him!

Got him!

Way to go, mike.

[ screaming ]

get off!

[ possum squealing ]

not without me!

Meeting time.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And I don't care whatever

I've said in the past,

I like all of your relatives

that have ever been born

since the

beginning of time.

And to the

rest of you,

thanks very much

for watching.

On behalf of myself

and henry thorkelson

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

come on in here and sit down.

Come on.

Come on in.

Have a seat.

Meeting coming

to order here.

Sit down.

Everybody sit down.

Sit down.

Sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Okay, men, I'm real

pleased to announce

that the late

henry thorkelson

is no longer late.

He's not coming.

[ applause ]

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