Running Of The Bulls/Transcript

The complete transcript for Running Of The Bulls

Intro
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! Ha-ha, ha! And now, here's the Julius Seizure of Possum Lodge. He came, he saw, he conked out. Your hero, my uncle, Red Green!

''{Red enters, carrying a sign. The audience applauds. Harold does a small dance and whoops with glee.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. Welcome to Possum Lodge. Boy, oh, boy, big, big week at the Lodge this week. Got a real special event planned: our very first ever {holds up the sign which reads: "Running of the Bulls This Saturday"} Running of the Bulls!

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, we all got a touch of the Pamplona.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I had that one time. Couple of spoonfuls of Imodium will keep your running shoes on.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, Uncle Red, Pamplona is a city in Spain where they have the real Running of the Bulls.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, I know, I know, but ours will be just as good, Harold. Boy, I'll tell ya, the idea of a bunch of bulls chasing our guys down the main streets got everybody pretty revved up around here!

HAROLD GREEN: Y'know, it sounds pretty dangerous to me. Y'know, if anybody gets hurt, your name is mud.

RED GREEN: Harold, when I'm being chased by an angry bull, I'll take any name but Gord!

Title sequence
''{The New Red Green Show intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red handing Dalton a broken tennis racquet.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here are a few clips from this episode. Harold tells me this is what...

{Cut to Harold entering the Lodge dressed as a matador.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...the big shows do now. Y'know, to get you to watch, kind of a preview, kind of a teaser thing. How do you like it? Let us know.

''{Cut to Red driving the Possum Van between two cars with their doors open. The van smashes the car doors off the hinges.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Just call 1-800-NICE-TRY.

Plot Segment 2
''{Red walks into the Lodge holding a pair of running shoes. Harold is adjusting the antennae on his audio switcher.}''

RED GREEN: Well, got about an hour to go until the test run of the Running of the Bulls. I guess you could it the Test Running of the Bulls.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, have you thought this through?

RED GREEN: How do you mean?

HAROLD GREEN: Nothing, never mind, stupid question.

RED GREEN: Well, we got our two bulls, and they're ready to go, so all we gotta do is throw on our running shoes and start yelling "Oy vey!"

HAROLD GREEN: I think you mean "Olé!"

RED GREEN: No, these bulls are kosher. And boy, they're big, you know, and, boy, they're mean-looking, Harold, and they look like they haven't been on a date in a while, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do.

HAROLD GREEN: Wa-ha-ha! Oh, Uncle Red, you're just gonna get so terribly hurt. Do you think you can actually outrun an angry, charging bull?

RED GREEN: I don't have to, Harold. All I have to do is outrun at least one Lodge member. {chuckles} Don't worry about me. I think you should be worrying about Old Man Sedgewick.

HAROLD GREEN: Or Buster Hadfield.

RED GREEN: Yeah, he's no Donald Bailey.

HAROLD GREEN: More like Beetle Bailey.

RED GREEN: And for sure I can outrun you, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: I'm not participating. This is a potentially dangerous event.

RED GREEN: I know it's not as fulfilling as sitting at the computer for six hours on the Internet arguing about whether Captain Kirk is better than Captain Picard.

HAROLD GREEN: Picard! Picard, Picard, Picard, Picard is.

RED GREEN: For the guys who are running with the bulls, Harold, this is a display of courage, manhood, and heart. {heads for the door}

HAROLD GREEN: And heart attacks.

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:


 * Oh, your kite got caught in the high-tension wire.
 * You thought you could get it down.
 * So you leaned your ladder up against the pole
 * And you heard a funny sound.
 * You climbed and you climbed way up to the top
 * Where the ladder touched the transformer.
 * You grabbed the wire to free your kite
 * And you noticed your hand getting warmer.

RED AND HAROLD:


 * Ohhhh....

RED GREEN:


 * Sparks flew out and away you went,
 * With one arm noticeably enlarged.
 * Now, normally, the cops would make an arrest,
 * But they can see you'd already been charged.

Handyman Corner
''{Red drives a car into the Handyman Corner sign, knocking it over. The car has a lot of scrapes and dents on its right side. He gets out.}''

RED GREEN: Got a real complicated Handyman project on this week's show. As you can see, this vehicle has had a little bit of unscheduled body work on her. Unsafe and ugly right now, which is a lot more acceptable in a person than it is in a car.

{Red walks over to a second car, which is virtually identical to the first except that it has the same sort of dents and scrapes on its left side.}

RED GREEN: Heh. And over here, if you'll see that we have an almost identical unit over here, and a different side done on this one. This was actually the result of a little test we ran up to see if Mercury Creek Ridge was wide enough for two cars. Well, I can't really talk about that any more until after the inquest. Anyway, I'm gonna show you what the creative handyman does when he's got two identical sideswiped vehicles. Actually, I got the idea watching some action movies. I really like the action movies because at my age, it's about all the action I'm gonna see. {opens driver's-side doors on the second car} I'm gonna show you how to make a Hummer. You know what a Hummer is? One of those things they use, like, on Desert Storm? I don't know why they call it a Hummer, but if you've got anything that's twelve feet wide, it's a hummer, believe me. {starts opening passenger doors on first car} You know who has them? The military and Hollywood celebrities. So that makes sense, because those are two groups that really spend money wisely, eh? So what we're gonna do is we're gonna connect these two here cars side-by-side. Of course, the first thing we have to do is get the doors off. {looks at hinges on one door} That a half-inch bolt? No, I think she's a 5/8ths.

''{Red walks off-screen and returns with a heavy sledgehammer. He starts swinging at the door, hitting it from the inside. Wipe to a later scene, where he takes another weak swing at the door, obviously very tired. Wipe again. Red drives the Possum Van in between the two cars, smashing the doors off of them. Wipe again. Red is now standing next to the second car, holding all four of the removed car doors.}''

RED GREEN: Kinda reminds you of a rock group, doesn't it? The Doors. {drops doors onto ground} They broke up. {gets into car} All right, now all you gotta do is drive this car up so the two cars are side-by-side. {starts car and drives it up to align it with other car, then turns it off and starts climbing through first car toward the camera} There we go. Now, we just gotta kinda join them together into one wide body. And of course, joining them up means you, y'know, you gotta be welding, or better still, or at least faster still, {holds up a roll of duct tape} use the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {holds up a roll of duct tape} But don't, uh, skimp on the duct tape, y'know, just to– just to save a buck or two, {gets out of car} 'cause at highway speeds, you'll be glad that you spent the big dollar.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is on top of the two cars and has stretched numerous strips of duct tape across the two of them. He applies another long strip.}''

RED GREEN: No wonder Hummers cost so much. It's all the duct tape!

''{Wipe again. Red climbs into the passenger side of the right-hand car.}''

RED GREEN: You're probably wondering how's this thing gonna work? Well, I'm gonna tell ya. First off, you start up this unit, {starts car} but leave her in neutral. {points to his head} Saves gas, eh? What about steering, you're thinking? Don't worry about it! I duct-taped the front wheels together. {climbs through to left-hand car} This is not just a Hummer, this is a Hummer-Dinger. Seats ten, got two separate heaters, two separate radios so you don't get into the arguments over which station you're listening to. {sits down in driver's seat} Anybody can have a stretch limo. We got a squat limo. I didn't stretch the budget. I didn't pay squat! Let's see how she handles. {closes door and starts left car} Remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {puts car in gear and winks at the camera} I'll be back.

{Red slowly drives the two cars away together.}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Wanna talk to you couples out there who may be a little bit confused as to why relationships are so difficult. You know, they say it's bad to generalize, but it's something I really enjoy. So... so here– here's the thing, okay? Men are interested in cars. Women are interested in gardening. Yeah. Think about that. I mean, not all men like cars. Some like motorcycles and trucks. But you gotta admit, you see more men at car shows and you see more women at gardening shows, eh? That's important. That'll help you understand why they see relationships so differently, see, 'cause women see a relationship like a garden, you know? You got to put a lot of work into it. You got to fuss over it. You got to churn over the ground, add more flowers, a little fertilizer... Whereas men see a relationship like a car: once they've made a commitment to have one, they really expect it to go at least five years without any serious maintenance. Oh, yeah! See, women enjoy working on a relationship. They see that as part of the fun. Men see that as a sign that there's some serious mechanical problem. And maybe that's why when there is a serious problem, women try to dig down deep and get to the roots. Whereas, unfortunately, a lot of men try to trade up! Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
RED GREEN: {walks into the Lodge, looking frustrated} Man! You take a simple idea like a couple of bulls chasing people down the main street, then you think to yourself, "What could possibly go wrong?"

''{Harold steps into the Lodge dressed in an elegant matador outfit, complete with white boots and a traditional cap. The audience applauds. He strikes several poses and dances briefly.}''

RED GREEN: You have no interest in girls, do you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: I'm not dressed like this to impress girls!

RED GREEN: Well, it's working, believe me.

HAROLD GREEN: I'm gonna be officiating the big event, {in a fake Spanish accent} the Running of the Bulls!

RED GREEN: No, Harold, there's not gonna be a running of the bulls. We had a few problems.

HAROLD GREEN: What kind of problems?

RED GREEN: Well, during the test run, we found out that Junior Singleton's starter pistol is not a starter pistol. So right away we're down to one bull. And, uh... We got 'er going, though, with the one bull. It was chasing everybody pretty good. And then Moose Thompson decided he wanted to double back for his lucky hat.

HAROLD GREEN: He ran straight into the bull?

RED GREEN: No, he went around the side street there, but he still nailed the bull pretty good.

HAROLD GREEN: {cringing} Like, head on?

RED GREEN: More like a T-bone, I think. Actually, 40 T-bones, a monster rump roast and 900 pounds of hamburger.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking like he's going to cry} Oh, that's awful! Poor little big bull! That's awful!

RED GREEN: Yeah. Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: {calmly} Well, the good news, there's an upside. This whole silly event has to be canceled.

RED GREEN: Oh, no, nope, nope, nope, nope. We're not gonna cancel it. We're just gonna find something else to run from, that's all. We're gonna have the running of the Moose. I'm gonna go tell Moose about it right now, he'll be conscious by now. {starts walking for the door}

HAROLD GREEN: How can you tell?

RED GREEN: I'll tell him you said that, Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: {running after Red} Don't tell him I said it! Don't!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah!

The Experts
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show, where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say: {gestures to the audience}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: {gives thumbs-ups to the audience} Ha-ha! Excellent. Okay, on this week's portion of the Experts, um, we have joining my Uncle Red is his best friend in the whole wide room, Mr. Hap Shaughnessy!

{The audience cheers, and Hap waves.}

HAROLD GREEN: {taking out a letter from the table} Okay. This week's letter goes as follows: "Dear Experts–" {gestures to Red and Hap} Haw! "Some people believe in life after death and some people don't. Who's right? I've seen your show and I figure you guys must know what happens after you die."

RED GREEN: Well, I don't think anybody in their right mind could answer that question.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I can.

{Red gestures toward Hap and shrugs.}

HAROLD GREEN: You died, Mr. Shaughnessy? When did that happen?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: At the Seoul Olympics, in '88. I ran the marathon representing the nation of Sierra Leone. During the marathon, I died of a heart attack at the 52-mile marker.

HAROLD GREEN: Marathons are only 26 miles.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No one told me that. I thought you had to run there and back. So just as I reached what I thought was the finish line, which turned out to be the starting line again, I collapsed of a heart attack and I died.

RED GREEN: {nods} Well, I say we have a funeral immediately.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, Red. My spirit, or my soul, or whatever you want to call it, was floating. I could see I was lying there.

RED GREEN: Oh, everybody could see you were lying there.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: But I remembered a beautiful woman, and I was working on some pottery, and I remembered a door and a penny sliding on the door. And that's all I remember about the afterlife. Then a doctor revived me, and I was back on Earth, in Korea. I was so excited, I treated everyone to a banquet of dog. That's a Korean delicacy, it tastes a lot like wolf.

HAROLD GREEN: {rolling his eyes} Just going back a little bit to your memories of the afterlife.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Uh-huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Y'know, that pretty woman with the pottery?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: And there's that bit about the penny on the door?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah? {adjusts his hat}

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, those are both scenes out of the movie Ghost!

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {thinks for a moment} I was a technical adviser on that movie. {Harold and Red both shake their heads dismissively} 'Cause they wanted it– 'cause they wanted it to be accurate. So in answer to this letter, I would say yes, there is an afterlife waiting for us, and it's full.

RED GREEN: Yeah, unfortunately, it's full of the same stuff this one is.

Plot Segment 4
{Harold walks into the Lodge still dressed in his matador costume.}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughing} Okay, okay, okay, so they had their Test Running of the Bulls, right? Ha ha! Now, you got this guy named Moose, and for good reason, right? And he's chasing all the other men right down the center of town, right? So... okay, that's all you really need to know. {laughs, to the door} Uncle Red, come on in here! Come on in here, Uncle Red!

{Red walks into the Lodge covered in yellow splotches.}

HAROLD GREEN: {amused} Tell them what happened.

RED GREEN: Moose does not corner well.

HAROLD GREEN: That's true, because they were chugging along pretty well in the straightaway.

RED GREEN: And then we hit the sharp curve in the middle of town there.

HAROLD GREEN: Right in front of the yogurt stand.

RED GREEN: {looks down at himself} All the way home, I was afraid some health nut was gonna start licking me.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, the good news is, y'know, this crazy event of yours is mercifully a lost cause.

RED GREEN: Oh, no, oh, no. It's not over until I quit, and I'm not quittin'. We're gonna do the whole running thing all over again, only this time we're gonna use a lion.

HAROLD GREEN: {dismissively} A lion.

RED GREEN: A lion.

HAROLD GREEN: {startled} A lion?! A lion, like what, like, a ten-foot, razor-fanged, man-eating lion?

RED GREEN: Well, sort of. We're gonna use the lion from Flinty McClintock's African Lion Safari.

HAROLD GREEN: Flinty's lion?! That's a mangy old, what, arthritic, dyspeptic, senile, toothless, half-blind lion, that thing is. Actually, I heard it was a deformed pig. That's what I heard! You'd have to put it on a skateboard and wheel it through town! {laughs} Flinty's not gonna lend it to you anyway. He gives you that lion, his whole Lion Safari is just gonna be a whole bunch of snow fences holding back chickens.

RED GREEN: How about that mink ranch outside of town?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, that place with the little wee corrals?

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah! Hey, have the Running of the Minks! Doesn't that say class to you?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! Third.

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
{Red walks out into the Lodge basement from a corner and heads over to a workbench.}

RED GREEN: This is the repair part of the show that we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying." Dalton Humphrey brought something in for us to fix. What'd you bring us there, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {holds up a smashed tennis racquet} Well, Red, you know, today I was hoping you fix my tennis racquet here. Just got that last week.

RED GREEN: {takes the racquet and looks it over} John McEnroe have a garage sale, did he?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no, no, that's brand new, Red. Can you fix it?

RED GREEN: Oh, I don't know.

DALTON HUMPHREY: See, this is titanium graphite, and those strings are made from snow leopard gut.

RED GREEN: Y'know, it almost looks like it's been bent around a post or something.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah, no, my wife did that. Did it right around her knee.

RED GREEN: Wow.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah, y'know, Anne-Marie's a smallish woman, but boy, when those hormones kick in, y'know, she's got a... just a power to her. Yeah, yeah.

RED GREEN: So did she break the strings, too?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no, we did that together. {gestures for the racquet} Uh, may I?

RED GREEN: {hands the racquet to Dalton} Oh, sure, yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {puts the racquet over his head and around his neck} It was this kind of look.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: See, she just had, just an impressive overhand smash. And she just really got all of it.

RED GREEN: Yeah. Are you, um... you havin' problems at home of any kind?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {laughs} Oh, no, nothing serious, Red. Y'know, we recently had our twentieth wedding anniversary, {seriously} which I forgot. {pulls the racquet over his head} Tried to pass off this tennis racquet as an anniversary gift. {laughs} Apparently, Anne-Marie is not a big tennis fan.

RED GREEN: Oh, that's too bad, Dalton. But congratulations on the twentieth anniversary. That's, uh, that's silver, isn't it?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Y'know, I don't know what it is. But I'll tell you what it's not. It's not titanium graphite, that's for sure.

Plot Segment 5
{Red and Harold walk slowly into the Lodge, both looking very dirty.}

RED GREEN: Well, the Running of the Mink was not an unqualified success.

HAROLD GREEN: {stumbling for a moment, gesticulating wildly} Dozens of casualties! There was, like, guys were trampled and stomped and bitten. One woman pulled a muscle laughing so hard.

RED GREEN: Yeah, Harold, what I couldn't figure out was how come the minks all went up inside of Junior's pants like that?

HAROLD GREEN: That's because he keeps food in his pockets all the time. Those minks just whizzed right up there.

RED GREEN: Yeah. So did Junior.

HAROLD GREEN: Boy, oh, boy, he went crazy, didn't he? It became the Running of the Junior. Boy, he was knocking things over and smashing into people and trompling all over 'em. Boy, oh, boy, I had no idea Junior could move so fast.

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, y'know, you get a dozen mink in your shorts, and you get the adrenaline running, and... But you know, I think people got their money's worth.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, tickets were free, so I think so too.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: {panicking} Mink! Mink! Mink! Mink! {jerks around, gets into a defense posture}

RED GREEN: No, no, Harold, Harold, Harold, Harold! It's the meeting. Just the meeting, just the meeting.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah, well, yeah, I was just doing that {strikes the defensive pose again briefly} just, y'know, for your own sake– {abruptly turns for the stairs} I'm going downstairs.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right. Don't wanna get the mink laughing. {to the camera} Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. Y'know how you've always said you'd like to have the experience of the feel of real mink? You might want to check with Junior on that. {to the audience} And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. {waves and heads for the stairs}

{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting.}

HAROLD GREEN: Sit down, he's coming. Here he comes, you gotta sit down, because he gets real grumpy when you're standing. Hi, how are you? Oh, it's nothing.

RED GREEN: {stands next to Harold} Get 'em up, Harold, get 'em up.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all rise.

{Everyone stands up and puts their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits}

HAROLD GREEN: {standing up again, reading from a clipboard} Okay, I've got this week's first announcement. It's– whoa-ho! It's a computer for sale. Twenty-two megabytes with 25 quad, big hard drive, lots of bytes, big output, compatible with most male-to-male-to-female– Oh, I'm sorry, this is a personal ad. I'm sorry, that's– I'm sorry, that's...