Guest Elephant/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold: ♪ if you go out

in the woods tonight ♪

♪ you're in for a big surprise ♪

♪ if you go out

in the woods tonight ♪

♪ you won't believe your eyes ♪

♪ because you'll see

"the red green show" ♪

...Starring canada's

favorite outdoorsman,

red green, obviously.

And now here's the host

of a happy circumstance --

well, you know,

at least for me --

my uncle, and here he is --

red green!

Thank you very much, harold.

Thank you.

Welcome to the show.

We, uh, got a real good show

for you tonight.

Not like last week's show.

I'm not blaming anyone.

That wasn't my fault!

Uh, this is harold.

He's, uh, producer

and director of the show.

Which means

I do a lot of this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ chuckles ]

that's in lieu

of content.

Uncle red, I don't think

you should blame me

for what happened.

Well, harold,

you're the one who decided

it'd be fun

and outdoorsy

to have a trained elephant

on the show.

[ clears throat ]

folks, that elephant

was not trained.

The lodge

looks good as new.

How about the smell, harold?

When does that go away?

I think we should discuss

something else.

Let's go

to another segment.

Do an intro. Go.

Now here's something else

that harold is responsible for.

Let's see

how it smells.

[ keyboard clacking ]

one mistake.

One little mistake.

There was more than one, harold,

and they weren't little.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ in the cool of the evening

when the sun goes down ♪

♪ that's when the bunch of us

can be found ♪

♪ down by the campfire

like so many elves ♪

♪ sittin' here, standin' there,

scratchin' ourselves ♪

♪ scratchin' ourselves,

scratchin' ourselves ♪

♪ alone or all in a bunch ♪

♪ scratchin' ourselves,

scratchin' ourselves ♪

♪ be sure and wash your hands

before lunch ♪

red: This week

in the "handyman corner,"

uh, we're gonna show you

how to solve the oil crisis.

A good start is to go

with a lightweight vehicle,

uh, such as this one.

Made entirely of wood, so she's

not gonna rust out on you.

And it's lightweight,

uh, practical, simple,

it's easy to park,

excellent visibility,

plus, it only takes one person,

which should save

a few marriages.

With this unit, you, uh,

steer it with your feet,

which leaves your hands free

to use as brakes.

Now, of course,

the next step on this one

was to figure out what kind

of a fuel-efficient engine

I could use on this unit,

and, uh, my first thought

was the jet-x cubes.

Those little cubes --

I used to use them on

my model cars and my model boats

and what have you.

But I phoned the jet-x people,

and they, uh, wouldn't sell it

to me in a 200-pound block,

so I had to come up

with the next best thing...

A fire extinguisher.

So, what I do here is, uh,

I can squeeze the trigger.

That fires the extinguisher,

and I'm holding the nozzle

out the back, and away I go.

I should be able to hit 30 or

40 mile an hour on a flat road,

uh, putting out fires as I go.

But as they say,

the proof of the pudding

is usually written on the label,

so let's give her a try.

[ air hissing ]

[ hissing stops ]

well, either I'm gonna

have to lose some weight,

or we're gonna have to up

the horsepower of the engine.

So, uh, what I've done

is I've attached four

fire extinguishers to the unit,

and I've, uh, used the

handyman's secret weapon here,

duct tape,

to position everything, and

I've put a scarf on, as well,

because, uh, this co2

gets pretty cold, and, uh...

I wouldn't want to be driving

down the highway,

78 mile an hour,

with a frozen head.

Anyway, I think we're all set,

and I think I'll be saying

goodbye now, just in case,

so until next time, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ exhales ]

3, 2, 1.

We'll be right back with more

of "the red green show,"

unless, of course,

harold has booked another

rampaging elephant this week.

I'll have to check.

Kidding.

"it is winter.

"what is that blowing sound,

"blowing long and hard

for months on end?

"is it the cruel north wind?

No, it's your kid's nose."

anyway, as I was saying,

if you missed last week's show,

you're a very fortunate person.

Had that elephant on.

God, that was fun,

wasn't it?

I mean, mind you,

we were planning to renovate

the lodge anyway.

We just didn't figure

we'd have to rebuild it

from the ground up.

This show is about life here

at the lodge, you know,

with our regular guests

and what have you, and...

And how we ever

ended up blindfolded

and walking an elephant

is beyond me.

It was

a seeing eye elephant.

I'm sorry.

I missed that.

A seeing eye elephant.

Like a seeing eye dog

for blind people.

Only this was

a seeing eye elephant.

He's the only one

in the whole wide world.

He's an endangered species.

You should talk.

Let's go to another clip.

Tv viewers don't like

to watch people talking.

They like clips and multiple

images and things like that.

Introduce the next segment,

uncle red.

All right, uh, here's one of my

favorite guests on the show.

He's not gray,

he doesn't have a trunk,

and he knows

what a bathroom is for.

You'll never forgive me,

will you?

I'll forgive you

when the smell disappears.

You'll never forgive me,

will you?

Now, I'm out here on location

again with dougie franklin,

my good buddy,

and his monster truck.

And, dougie, this is one big,

beautiful machine.

Well, I'll tell you, red,

it's got to be big.

You know, for competition,

if you're gonna crush cars,

you need a big truck.

But it's a sport.

It's like any other sport.

Like, uh...Tennis.

Like jai alai,

baseball, demolition derbies.

You know,

I'm a finely tuned athlete,

as is my machine,

and she's got to be big,

and you never -- the thrill

of competition is wonderful.

You know what I mean?

You just wonder

how many cars you're gonna crush

on a given day.

It's a fabulous feeling.

It's very now.

It's very the '90s, actually.

Yeah, and I think we should

point out here, dougie,

that, uh, we are not talking

about a bunch of lunatics

tearing around

a shopping mall parking lot,

flattening

family sedans here.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You'd have a hard time

getting insurance

for that

kind of thing, red.

And, you know,

a lot of families leave

their pets in their vehicles

when they go in to shop.

Yeah.

And it's a sad thing

when you see a kitty

stuck in the back window of

one of them yuppie volvo wagons,

just sweating

on a hot day.

Yeah.

We don't want

none of that.

Also, it'd be very difficult

charging admission

to something like that.

Yeah, I can see that.

Now, it's because

of this very --

I'm glad you brought

this point up, red,

because the international

truck and tractor association,

in cooperation

with your fire department

and, I believe,

the spca was in there,

they came up

with the set of rules --

that's a good idea.

Sure.

I got a copy of it

right here.

You got the rules

right here?

I do.

There they are there, now.

That's it, doug?

These are all the rules?

Well, yeah,

and then on the back, there,

we got miss truck

and tractor pull 1991,

with an entire list of all

the events for the year.

My god.

Yep, there's

a lot of events.

Doesn't seem like

many rules.

Well, I mean,

I do have the rules memorized,

if you want to

go into this interview

a little more in depth.

Uh, would you care

to do that?

All right, yeah.

All right, well,

rule number one...

Red, there's

your rule number one.

Everybody in this sport

has got to wear a helmet.

We're talking the drivers,

we're talking the mechanics,

and actually, we distribute

helmets to the audience.

The entire audience

are all completely helmeted.

Now, we also encourage

the use of helmets at home

for the viewers, as well.

Now, rule number two --

very important rule, actually --

is no running over the people

in the audience.

You abuse that rule

and people will quit coming.

Actually, that sounds

kind of vague.

You know, that's more

of a guideline to me.

Well, red,

it has to be...

It has to be able

to encompass monster trucks.

They're not exact tools,

in the sense of that meaning,

because one of these babies

goes over a big line

of 1964 strato chiefs,

you never know how one of these

guys is gonna fall.

See, it could tilt off

to the side.

Sure, yeah.

She could flip right over,

which is why you got these

suckers here over your head.

Or she could just roll up

near some people

and just blow up

into a million pieces.

And I'll tell you,

if something like that happened,

you'd be mighty glad

you was wearing your helmet.

Yeah.

So you just have

the two rules?

Oh, no, there's

rule number three, actually,

which is,

if you kill anybody,

you got to stick around

till the police show up.

There's a big story

behind that one.

Yeah.

But, you know, if I could be

serious just for a minute...

Red, since

I've been in this sport,

I have met probably

some of the finest human beings

I've ever come across,

and some of their trucks

are even better.

Maybe you monster-truckers

have got it made, eh, doug?

I tell you,

right off the bat, red,

I can't think of anything

that would be more fun.

Well, you're a bachelor,

aren't you, doug?

Yeah.

Okay, well, that's

dougie franklin

and his monster truck,

proving that size does matter,

to some guys, anyway.

What's wrong

with that bachelor business?

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

hoo hoo!

♪ I remember the day

when the railroad was king ♪

♪ the big wheels

made rolling thunder ♪

♪ we were treated like freight

and arriving seven hours late ♪

♪ I'm personally glad

they're all going under ♪

oh, uncle red,

how excellent.

I was just about

to tell the viewers

that you were

gonna answer their mail

in your own

inimitable way.

My what?

Your own inimitable way.

What does that mean?

What does that mean?

You've never heard of the word

"inimitable"?

You never

heard that before?

Well, I've heard it before.

I just never knew what it meant.

Aren't you at all curious

what it meant?

Didn't you think to go

look it up in a dictionary?

You don't know what it means,

either, do you?

Yes, I do.

I looked it up.

It means...

Recherche.

Okay?

Our first letter today

asks for some advice from you,

uncle red.

It says, "dear red,

"I'm in the market

for a new car, or new to me.

"I like used cars.

I guess I'm a bit

of a fishy auto."

[aficionado]

"fishy auto"?

[ chuckles ]

what does that mean?

It means you can't afford

a new car.

Oh, well,

how recherche.

"any tips

for the potential car buyer?"

all right,

this is a good one, harold.

I think when

you're buying a used car,

intimidation is the key.

Oh.

Don't just walk around the car

kicking the tires, okay?

Kick the fenders,

kick the door panels,

kick the headlights in,

kick the dashboard.

What? What are you doing

when you do that?

Well, you're trying to get

the cost of the car down,

and a car with kick marks

all over it

has got to be overpriced.

Oh, so I guess

we can assume then

the proper footwear

is required.

Absolutely.

I'd say that proper footwear

is a key,

as the intimidation is.

And another thing is

you want to ask

if you can take it

for a test-drive.

If they say no,

I'd wonder about that.

And they have tricks,

harold.

I know

when I bought my truck,

they had scotch-taped

a couple of extra spark plugs

onto the engine

to try to convince me

that the v-6 was a v-8.

But I caught onto it.

Oh, yeah?

How'd you do that?

Well, they fell off

when I kicked the engine.

Oh. So kicking

is important.

Well, it shows

that you knows cars.

You can even kick the salesman

if you have to.

Oh, no, no. I think you've

gone over the top on that one.

We do not want to

advocate violence.

[ chuckles ]

yeah, well, all right,

all right.

Then don't kick the salesman.

You know, but...

You might want to check

the instrument panel.

If you look at the odometer

and you see a bunch of marks

from a claw hammer

and it's a 10-year-old car with,

say, 19 miles on it,

I'd question that.

Yeah, that's

really good advice.

That's something

to remember.

Yeah.

Uncle red, I was --

is there, like, a good time

or a bad time to buy a car?

Yeah. Never buy a car

at 3:00 in the morning.

All right.

How about north american cars

versus domestic cars.

No, I mean --

[ laughs ]

I mean, japanese cars

versus imported --

no, that's --

all right, I got it.

With the japanese cars,

you get more features,

but with the american cars,

you get more metal.

And when you think about it,

we're all gonna have

head-on collisions now and then,

so you're better to give up

the power sunroof

and go with

a little more momentum.

I hope that answers

all our viewer's questions.

Yeah, and don't forget

to kick everything.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: We have our outdoor expert

bill with us this week.

Oh.

And, uh, gonna teach us about --

I think he's just

fooling around there.

...Gonna teach us about canoeing

and the various techniques

to use for the beginning canoer.

'cause you know, in these days,

when the cost of gas there

and the cast of gos

and all that stuff is so high.

Now, this is a paddle

measurement technique.

You want the paddle

to come up to about your chin.

So, one's too short

and one's too tall,

so, uh, bill comes up

with a solution to that problem.

Uh, maybe not

the ideal solution,

but a solution, nonetheless.

And...That one was fine anyway.

So, it all worked out.

We have lots of paddles.

And now he's gonna show you

how to get into a canoe.

Now, I think a lot

of what bill does

is he shows you,

you know, the wrong...

The wrong way to do things.

Uh, I think he knew

that was coming, but he's okay.

No problem.

And then, what he wants --

now he's showing you

how to get in from the side.

That was the end shot.

This is the side shot.

But, uh, here, again, I don't --

I think bill -- yeah, yeah.

I'm pretty sure he meant to --

he meant to do that.

He just looked like

he was panicking.

That's all there.

It was just all for effect,

I think.

And now bill's gonna show you

an interesting way to get in,

which is the running-start,

kind of reminiscent

of wild bill hickok, you know?

And that way,

you're on your way.

Unfortunately,

he forgot to take a paddle.

But I'm there.

I can -- well...

[ clears throat ]

I mean, I was doing my best.

It's hard to estimate,

'cause he's moving.

You know, it's tough.

I got a bit closer

with this one.

Oh. Oh, my gosh.

Anyway, he brings

the canoe back in,

and we now have a week's supply

of drinking water.

And, well,

we'll clean that up later on.

Don't worry about that.

So now bill's gonna show us the

various paddling techniques now,

and what you want to do -- you

stick your right arm out there,

and then grip it right where

it gets fat, you know?

Reminds me of a date

I was on one time, but anyway --

and then put the other hand

over the end, and...

No, no,

there's something wrong here.

No, that doesn't --

no, that doesn't look right,

either.

Turnabout's fair play.

And now he's just using the dock

to show you just a prac--

oh.

Oh, my gosh.

We do go through

a lot of paddles in a season.

But eventually, it gets to

the point where the student,

you know, has to have

his first solo flight,

and I was pretty excited

about this one.

I think I was doing

a heck of a job.

I didn't hit the dock.

I got moving pretty good there,

you know?

I was quite proud.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

You know, in retrospect,

I think bill

should have taught me

how to turn this thing around,

too.

Oh, well. He's fine.

"it is winter.

"your breath forms huge clouds

"that billow out

and block your face.

"hot air, thick and swirling.

That's what you get

for eating skunk."

uh, every week, we have harold

here come up with a viewpoint,

give you some insight on what

the young people of today

are thinking about, and...

That's probably

not the worst thing

you'll ever see on television.

Okay, okay. Ha.

Pixy stix.

I remember one time,

when I was a little boy, right,

I read in the back

of a comic book

you could order

all these pixy stix.

You know what

they are, right?

They're like --

okay, pixy stix are like straws,

and they're closed at both ends,

but they're filled with powdered

sugar and flavor crystals,

and you just go -- [slurps] --

you just suck all the powder

out of them, right?

They're excellent. They really

are. They're really good.

And I read in a book

that you could order like

1,000 of them for 10 bucks.

Great deal, right?

So I get my best friend --

well, okay, I get

my only friend, larry gorman --

so, him and I, we get together,

right, and we figure,

"hey, what a perfect cause

to dedicate our lives to

while waiting to mature."

so we do this.

And then we save all our money.

Oh, wait a sec. Wait.

No, we had money.

We just ordered them.

Oh, yeah.

We just ordered them.

And about a month later, we got

this box from racine, wisconsin.

We open it up -- w-a-a! --

1,000 pixy stix!

Ah! Bonus day or what, right?

So we start eating

all these things.

We're just -- [slurps] --

sucking all the sugar

out of them, like,

our faces are all puckered

and everything.

It was great.

We kept doing this

until I got sick,

and he hyperventilated an entire

lung of powdered sugar.

What a great day.

[ chuckles ]

well, there's no real point

to the story.

I just wanted to

relate that to you.

I probably should have sung

or something, eh?

Dumbo and I

will be right back.

He only calls me that

'cause I work for peanuts.

[ laughs ]

lighten up.

You know, I got the outboard

overhauled the other day,

and when I went to pick

it up, a young fella,

he had an earring.

Oh, yeah, I know him.

Guy with a little stud

or a jewel or something.

I don't mean him.

I mean the earring.

Yeah.

What is with that?

That's fashion.

That's the best.

Is that a sexual-orientation

thing, or...?

I think not.

It just says you're really cool

and above stereotyping.

It's wonderful.

Pirates used to wear them,

and would you confront

a pirate in a dark alley?

Pirates had earrings?

Oh, yes.

Some of them --

but most of them

were clip-ons because, you know,

you'd have to go out

on the weekend,

you don't want everybody

to see the hole in your ear.

Well, that's it.

What do you do when you have

to go to a family event

like a funeral

or something?

Well, you put a fancy one in.

You wouldn't wear just anything.

You'd have to wear diamonds to

go with the suit or a pearl.

You mean

that you're telling me

that an earring

is not a female, uh...

Not necessarily, no.

I was thinking

of getting one.

Really?

Yeah, I was playing with your

stud setter the other day.

And I pierced my finger.

I thought, "well,

wouldn't that look silly --

an earring on my finger."

well, you sure don't need

another hole in your head.

Well, anyway, I really hate

to drag family arguments

into my television show,

but I'm sorry.

We just, uh, have somebody here

who has to be taught a lesson.

Harold, come on over here.

Now, harold,

I know that you think

I'm making a real big to-do

out of this elephant thing

and that you think

I'm mean

and I'm just doing it

to ridicule you,

make you cry on television,

that kind of thing.

And I know you think I should

just lighten up and maybe --

maybe what you did wrong --

and believe me,

there was plenty of it --

maybe you thought you were doing

the best thing for the show.

Maybe what you did was out

of maybe caring about your work.

And, uh,

I know that you like me.

I know you're very

fond of me, harold,

and I know

that you look up to me

and you really respect,

uh, my judgment.

So I've decided

to kind of just let it go

as a warning at this point,

harold.

But I want you to remember

what happened here,

and from now on,

I want you to come to me before

you make these big decisions,

all right?

I will, yeah.

Thanks very much, uncle red.

Okay, now I'm

only doing this

because you promised me

that you weren't the ones

who gave the laxatives

to the elephant, right?

That's right!

That's right!

Wasn't me.

That's right.

All right, so,

if my wife is watching,

uh, thank you

for taping the show tonight,

and when I come home,

I'm gonna stay up a bit late,

and I'm going to watch

this part back,

and if I see harold laughing

behind me, he is dead meat.

So, on behalf of myself

and what is

probably harold's last show

and the whole gang up

here at the lodge,

until next time,

keep your stick on the ice.