The Guard Dog Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

U don't let them sit

in your lap while you watch

"rescue 911" --

unless you want to be on it.

It's not smart or correct,

but it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

stay tuned for tips

on appliance repair,

and bill and I, unfortunately,

went out skeet shooting

and had a little accident.

Oh, boy.

Harold was very upset

to hear about that.

And edgar montrose is here to

show us some of the delicacies

of working with dynamite.

And now here's

the big kahuna of possum lodge,

the reason god created

the word "apologize"...

[ chuckles ]

...My uncle -- red green!

Give it up!

Red: Thank you.

And here's the main reason

I have to apologize --

my nephew, harold.

[ keyboard clacking ]

apology accepted.

[ giggles ]

bit of a major crime spree

over at buster hadfield's

house this week.

All of his lawn ornaments

were stolen.

All of them --

the fat lady bent over,

snow white

and the seven pink flamingoes,

the goat, the cow,

and bambi

with the ear shot off?!

Yep, and the oversized

mushrooms,

and the fiberglass

fluorescent santa claus,

and the motorized sheep,

and even the big

united way thermometer.

Wow -- mary

and her little plywood lamb,

the neon james dean,

the entire cast

of "the wizard of oz"?

Yep, but all the stuff

up on the walls

of the house, too, harold --

the butterflies,

the Halloween pumpkins,

and that nativity scene

with the three wise smurfs.

Wow! Whew!

So, what's buster

gonna do now?

Well, he's gonna need

a new lawn, for starters.

He's got nothing

but holes there now.

He ought to turn it

into a miniature-golf course.

That's what people

already thought it was.

No, harold.

He's gonna rent a guard dog.

That's the man's way --

revenge first, solutions later.

They're getting one of them

doberman pinschers.

You know, the kind

that "pinsch" a burglar

right in the doberman.

[ groans ] aah, ohh,

I don't like that idea.

Oh, they scare me,

those dogs.

They got big, ferocious teeth

and little short hair,

and they look weird

as anything.

[ chuckles, snarls ]

people in glass houses,

harold.

[ drumsticks tapping,

guitar plays ]

♪ oh, I often can guess

how long they've been wed ♪

♪ by the volume

at which they yell ♪

♪ the argument noise level

goes up every year ♪

♪ after 10 years,

you really can tell ♪

♪ he grunts and complains

and starts to fight ♪

♪ he bellows and roars

like a bear ♪

♪ and likely as not,

she'll sneak up in the night ♪

♪ to go have

a quiet affair ♪

this week

on "meet your member,"

we're gonna find out

a little bit more

about explosive expert

edgar k.B. Montrose.

[ coughs ]

well, uh...

Well, red, if we're gonna meet

our members,

and it sounded like

we were...

Well,

I just wanted to say

that I'm not really

an explosive expert.

I just watch a lot

of "road runner" cartoons.

All right, then maybe we'll talk

a little bit more personally,

you know -- your growing up,

your family life,

that type of thing.

Oh, sure, red. Okay.

Well, uh, I was born

in saskatchewan,

up near, uh, assiniboia.

I didn't really fit in

with those narrow-minded

nitpickers.

They're always saying

things like,

"shouldn't you have a license

to handle explosives?"

or, "shouldn't you be using

a longer wick?"

or -- or "where did

the schoolhouse go?"

you know,

that sort of thing.

You know,

that's the secret, red --

knowing where to place

your charges.

Well, I'm not great

at paying my bills,

but I would definitely not stiff

the guy with the dynamite.

Yeah, yeah.

Like you said, I got fed up.

So, uh...

I left civilian life, and I,

uh -- I joined the military.

But, uh, that only lasted

three weeks.

Dishonorable discharge?

Discharge?

I'll say so.

You could hear it and see it

for 20 miles

and all the way around.

Blew up

the officers' mess.

Turns out

they were just thinking

about building a new one.

Well, you know, edgar,

it sounds to me

like you have trouble making

friendships and relationships

last any length of time.

Well, yeah, red.

I-I don't really have

any friends,

and, uh, I've yet to meet

the kind of woman

who enjoys sitting on the back

porch on a Saturday night

while I blow

a full-grown douglas fir

right clean across

the lake.

[ ducks quacking ]

you know, with buster hadfield

being robbed and all,

I thought I would take

this week's "handyman corner"

and show you how you can make

your very own

home-security system

using common

household appliances.

I'm guessing you probably don't

have an infrared motion sensor

and a silent alarm sitting there

in your sock drawer,

but I bet a bunch of youse

have, say, a toaster

and possibly even, uh,

one of these dart-board units.

And you can combine these things

to make a, uh, foot-activated,

uh, antitheft pain device.

[ buzzing ]

burglar steps on this...

[ ricochet! ]

...He's toast.

The only problem is, uh, bernice

and I are such heavy sleepers

that a burglar's

gonna have to come, actually,

right up into the bedroom

and take our pillowcases

or our pajamas or our sheets

or some of those devices that

bernice keeps in the end table

before we'll ever notice

that he's there.

So, I'm gonna show you how to

make an antitheft alarm device

that will be triggered anytime

a burglar jimmies open

a door or even a window.

But to do that,

you're gonna need

some of the larger

household appliances...

A stove, a fridge,

and a television set.

All right, first of all,

from the stove, we need this --

the buzzer from the cake timer.

Now, that's not loud enough yet

to scare a burglar,

but it will be

once we hook it up to the

speaker from the television set.

And from the refrigerator,

we need this --

the pressure-sensitive light

switch that activates the light.

All right, now you want to

remove each of those things

from each

of the three appliances.

All right, uh,

getting these parts out

is gonna take a little longer

than I thought.

So why don't you get back

to the show,

and I'll just kind of get them

out of here?

Stay tuned as bill and I go...

Skeet shooting. Hmm.

And ranger gord pretends to be

in better shape than I'm in.

Last week, my wife found

some pictures of me

when I was a teenager.

Yes, they had photography

back then.

Should have seen the way

I dressed,

the way I combed my hair, and

my shoes -- pretty scary stuff.

Didn't look nearly as sharp

as I do now.

But you know what made me feel

better was thinking

about the teenagers of today

and how they're gonna be

humiliated

looking back at how they looked

15 or 20 years down the road.

I mean, imagine some

future vice president of ibm

passing around pictures of

himself with a purple mohawk,

cutlery for earrings, a dragon

tattooed on his exposed stomach,

and jeans so baggy in the crotch

you got room

for a family of groundhogs.

So, if you got a kid at home

that looks like an extra

from "road warrior,"

take lots of pictures

of him now.

Then when he wises up

and gets respectable,

you can sell them back to him,

one picture at a time.

Sure beats saving your own money

for retirement, doesn't it?

Well, we've had

a couple of problems

with buster's guard dog,

brutus.

You know, maybe

he shouldn't have rented

the most ferocious dog

in the kennel.

The attack dog got away?

Brutus is on the loose?!

Uncle red,

they can smell fear.

Now, don't worry,

harold.

Brutus is free to go anywhere

he wants, but for some reason,

he's just staying there,

patrolling buster's front lawn.

[ chuckles ] well, buster

won't be getting any mail.

Or any visitors.

Yeah, that's the upside.

The downside being

that buster is actually trapped

in his own house.

[ chuckles ]

trapped? Oh, no.

Imagine the irony --

hiring an animal

to protect your interests

and then he turns on you.

[ chuckles ]

yeah, I can imagine that,

mr. Producer/director.

Well, what are you guys

gonna do?

Well, we've come up

with a plan

that we call

"cowering indoors."

other than that, we're gonna run

back and forth

between our vehicles, throwing

wienies over our shoulders

to distract brutus.

Well, there is a lesson

to be learned here, uncle red.

Buster should have phoned

the police

as soon as his lawn ornaments

were stolen.

But, instead,

he chose the route of revenge.

And now, like a prisoner,

he is trapped in his own home.

Wa-a-a!

I hope you are learning

from his mistake.

Yes, we are, harold.

We're all

gonna get guard dogs

'cause that guard dog's

on the loose,

and our guard dogs will protect

us from that guard dog.

Everyone at possum lake

is getting a guard dog?

Yes, sir. Not everybody's

getting a doberman, though.

Stinky's got a cougar

on his front lawn.

A live cougar?!

Well, it runs.

It's a '74.

Got the plywood spoiler

on there...The moon rims.

He painted her up

like a rainbow trout.

Okay, yeah.

That is scary.

Hey, nobody's ever stolen

anything from stinky.

No.

Too easy to trace.

[ duck quacking ]

[ metal clanking ]

[ thud ]

nope.

Rolling, there,

harold?

All right, we're up here

at fire tower 13

with ranger gord,

who's gonna tell us

all about outdoor security.

Thank, red. Let me show you

my security system.

Now, I don't actually have

electricity for an alarm,

and I used to have

a guard dog,

but he, uh...Couldn't take

the loneliness.

So, you have no security system

at all, gord?

Well, that's not

entirely true, red.

You see, I live in this 100-foot

tower atop a 200-foot hill.

Now, I-I don't know much about

the criminal mind, of course,

but the, uh, criminal body

tends not to be

in the best physical condition.

So, the fact is, red,

that not a lot of criminals

can make it to the top

of my tower to steal my stuff.

Plus, you don't

have all that much stuff

that's worth stealing,

do you gord?

Oh, that's not entirely true,

either, red.

You see, I've got all sorts

of things up here.

In fact, well, there's my

grandmother's silverware set

right over by your foot,

harold.

Be careful. Be careful.

Harold, be careful!

[ whistle! ]

n-o-o-o-o!

[ metal clangs ]

was that the camera?

No, that's next.

[ chain saw buzzing ]

nope.

Something a little more

sophisticated this week

on "adventures with bill" --

some skeet shooting,

you know, with the merkels, too.

And I was a little late

arriving

'cause I didn't

have anything to wear.

Bill had apparently started

without me.

And he follows the skeet --

there. There it is, there.

Now, bill, bill,

bill, bill, bill...

Thank you, bill.

Yeah, yeah, you got it.

You should be darn proud

of yourself.

Anyway, this is kind of

a neat little rig,

kind of a skeet thrower.

And I wasn't --

oh, sorry. Yeah.

All right. Don't worry --

don't worry about that.

Okay, so,

what it does is he mounts

the little, uh, clay --

clay skeets --

"clay skeets," good name

for a country/western singer.

He mounts them

into the skeet thrower,

and then the idea

is that there's apparently

a trigger thing,

which I had never -- oh.

Oh...I see how that works.

You all right, there, bill?

I remember bill as being taller.

But I can get the skeet.

[ gunshot ]

that's 100 points, I believe.

All right, now, I was gonna take

a chance at this myself.

I'd never done

any skeet shooting,

but I really felt

that garbage can was kind of --

that he wouldn't

be able to pull back

and he was gonna walk into that

when he -- but unfortunately,

he had just anchored her

on the one side,

which, so, as he's moving,

he's kind of changing --

[ clank! ]

I don't remember what happened

over the next few minutes.

I don't know why that is.

[ groans ]

and then, uh, suddenly,

you know -- all of a sudden,

I was kind of aware that, uh,

I was skeet shooting with bill.

What happened there?

All right, well,

he must have blanked out there.

All right, so, we're gonna give

her another try, here.

So he sets it up,

and I'm just waiting to shoot,

and I just -- I don't

want to take my eye off,

but apparently, he's forgotten

to cock the, uh, skeet thrower.

And there he goes.

There he goes.

So, and then he noticed

his shoelace was undone,

which is always dangerous, kids,

for you kids out there.

Never go out into the woods

with a skeet shooter

and a loaded rifle

with your shoelaces un--

whoops!

Then I blanked out again.

Well...Funny how that happens.

Maybe I'm getting older.

[ gunshot ]

hmm. No, I missed him.

All right, we're all set.

There we go.

I'm a little fed up now,

and I'm starting to realize

the best future for me and

skeet shooting is right here.

[ gunshot ]

there we go. Dead.

See you later, bill.

There's your gun back.

Oh, and here's your skeet.

[ clunk! ]

coming up, we're gonna visit

dalton's store/landfill site,

and harold decides to face

the guard dog like a man.

Well, as so often happens

up here at the lodge,

this guard-dog thing has gotten

into a bit of a competition.

Flinty mcclintock got himself

a german shepherd --

east german, I think.

Artie kaye went

with the great dane.

Old man sedgwick

got a chihuahua,

but he's got her

on steroids.

And, uh, now, junior singleton

went the other way.

He got himself a cat.

You know, actually,

that's not so unusual.

The chinese used to use siamese

cats to protect their palaces.

Yeah, well, this is

a mountain lion, harold.

Yeah, it escaped

from the lion safari early,

so that's what junior's

gonna tell them

when they notice

it's missing.

Hey, you guys better be careful

with an animal like that.

They're not used to seeing

people, you know,

unless they're in cars,

you know, snapping pictures

and trying to sneak snack food

out little cracks of windows.

Well, I wouldn't worry,

harold.

I'm sure if the mountain lion

is upset in any way,

he'll let us know.

So, now moose

is looking to rent a bear,

and stinky's gonna try

and bring an alligator in.

I just think the competition

is so childish.

That's because

you always lose.

So, I'm thinking of going

high-tech with mine.

I'm gonna build myself a

radio-controlled electronic dog.

Oh, boy.

A robo-rottweiler.

Yep. I've already got the radio

controller right here.

What frequency

is that on?

107.3.

Hey, that's the same

as my video-effects machine.

[ keyboard clacking ]

that didn't look

so hard.

[ knob clicking ]

hey, hey, hey, hey,

get out of my house, buddy.

You want competition,

I'll give you competition.

[ duck quacking ]

all right, I, uh --

I finally got the components

out of the, uh,

three appliances.

It would have been a lot easier

if somebody hadn't stolen

my screwdriver.

Anyway, now I can show you how

to assemble these three things

into your very own

home-security system.

All right, now, I'm just using

this chest and the lid of it

as kind of an example

of how you'd rig up a door.

I got the pressure-sensitive

switch from the fridge,

down here, hooked into

where the door closes.

And that wiring goes up

through the, uh, stove buzzer,

which is now wired into

our television, uh, speaker.

So, when a burglar comes in,

say, a door or a window --

whatever you got rigged like

this -- all of a sudden --

[ alarm blaring ]

whoa!

You're gonna hear that!

That'll wake up the dead,

that one,

and then you call 911

or sic your dog on there

or go down there

and start throwing baseball bats

at the guy --

whatever you want to do.

And that way, you get to protect

your jewels...

Or your -- I guess that's

a fridge and a stove,

a television set -- whatever.

So, remember, if women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ blaring continues ]

man!

[ blaring stops ]

it's "male call."

[ bell rings ]

[ chuckles ]

no question too big,

no answer too small.

[ chuckles ]

our first letter

is from brinkman hoffner,

and it's from, uh,

oh, acme, missouri.

Oh, look,

he's made us some artwork.

Isn't that nice?

Look at that.

"mission:

In possumville."

[ both laugh ]

I don't get that.

Well, harold, you know,

you have "mission: Impossible."

uh-huh.

"mission:

In possumville."

oh! [ laughs ]

whoo!

You still don't get it,

do you, harold?

Nope. Not really.

Look, here's another one.

Okay, this is from kim

from flat rock, michigan.

She writes,

"dear red, how old are you?"

oh, boy.

That's a tough one, kim,

uh, because we tape

the show three days

before it goes on the air

so that we have time to go home

and figure out

how the vcrs work.

So, if I said I was 44 and

then my birthday was tomorrow,

then that would go on the air

saying I was 44,

but I'd be 45 by then.

And, uh, then

if you didn't see that show,

it would be six months later

for the rerun.

And then, I'd be six months off

on the age thing.

And then, of course, if it --

if it got into a lot reruns --

some of these shows

goes on for years.

They just stay there forever

like a bad smell.

What do you call that,

harold?

Syndication.

Yeah, syndication.

You know, but, of course,

that's where the big bucks are,

really, you know.

I hope our show

goes into syndication.

Yeah, yeah.

What we need's, like,

a much better show, then...

I think we're close

to having a much better one.

Better believe it.

So, I think the safest answer,

kim, there, is that, uh,

when you see this show,

I'm 10 years, 6 months,

and 3 days younger

than I look right now.

So, you're

in your early 60s, then?

Thank you, harold.

Ooh, "mission: In possumville"!

[ laughs ]

you still don't get it,

do you, harold?

Not a thing.

We're out here

by the main highway

at humphries everything store

to learn a little bit more

about antiques, collectibles,

and curios

from store owner

dalton humphries.

Now, dalton,

what is the difference between

antique, collectible,

a curio,

or just a piece

of kitschy crapola?

About $500 profit

for me.

[ laughs ]

let's have a look.

[ laughs ]

now, this radio is

a classic addison, circa 1930.

And at auction,

this would fetch $2,500.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, yeah.

How much would it get if it

wasn't all baffed up like that?

$200.

You see, what you call

"baffed up"

is what a customer calls

"character."

oh, I see.

You see, before a guy

plops down $2,500,

he wants to know a little bit

about the radio.

So,

I would point out to him

the beautiful green

of this tortoiseshell case,

the classic three-tube

electronics inside,

the lovely dial here,

which is extremely rare,

and enameled-on copper,

the bakelike knobs, which are

inlaid with mother of pearl --

very rare

and very good quality --

and these

pseudo-ceramic bars,

which were handcrafted

by a ceramicist by

the name of john reynolds.

All in all,

an incredible piece of history.

Wow!

You made that whole thing up,

didn't you?

Every last word, red.

[ both laugh ]

quite a performance.

Yeah, well,

I'd say it was worth $2,500.

How about this radio right here

I kind of got my eye on?

Describe that one there

for us.

It's junk. Yeah.

Oh?

It's not old, it works,

and it's not ugly.

2 bucks, tops.

Sold.

I'll break this open

and use the parts for

my radio-controlled guard dog.

Yeah, well, can I have

the broken case pieces, please?

It'll be all smashed up.

Exactly. Could be worth

quite a bit.

"looking for shoes

at a bargain price?

"why not come by

"stinky peterson's roadside

shoe roundup?

"we have one-of-a-kind shoes,

all singles,

"all found along

the side of the road...

"...Lefts and rights, no pairs,

single oxfords, single boots,

"even a single pair

of large, furry slippers,

which may actually be

a dead raccoon, I'm not sure."

well, god bless

the entrepreneurial spirit

of the small-business man.

[ chuckles ]

[ metal creaks ]

well, we got that, uh, guard-dog

doberman pinscher, brutus,

there, kind of settled down,

but, boy --

thanks to my, uh --

my remote-controlled robo-dog,

as a matter of fact.

Strangest thing, though.

I turned the thing on,

and it just goes nuts --

goes right after my leg,

there,

runs around spraying machine oil

on all the fire hydrants.

And then it scared away the dog.

It ran off.

We were all okay,

but the strangest thing

was I have no idea

why that happened.

Why would it go

ballistic?

I didn't even have

the radio controller turned on.

That's

the strangest thing.

[ alarm blaring ]

I understand that you solved the

robbery of the lawn ornaments.

Why don't you tell me

all about that?

Yeah, I did.

Harold, were you working on

that thing about 20 minutes ago?

[ chuckles nervously ]

no, uh, I was --

you should tell me about how

you solved that big robbery

because -- and tell them

because they want to know --

they're watching.

You better tell them.

All right, well,

it turns out --

[ alarm blares ]

it turns out buster hadfield's

wife had donated

all of the ornaments

to the st. Vincent de

paul bunyan center for kindling.

I guess she didn't

like the lawn decor

as much as buster did,

huh?

Well, he got the last laugh,

harold,

because all the time

he was trapped in the house,

he built a huge

guard-dog lawn ornament.

9 feet long, green and orange

with neon eyes, motorized tail.

And he put a car alarm in it

so nobody can steal it.

Well, I don't think

that will be a problem.

[ growling ]

what's that?

Oh, I forgot to tell you --

I got a guard dog for the lodge.

Aah, really? Why?

Yeah, I'll bring him in.

You stand back.

Oh, n-no!

No, it's all right.

All right. All right.

Dog. Dog.

Killer. Killer.

Killer? Good name.

Killer, come on, boy.

Down, boy. Down, boy. Easy, boy.

Come here. There we go.

There we are. There we are.

That's a guard dog?

Don't make a false move, harold.

He can go at the drop of a hat.

[ screeching ]

oh, that's the cry

of the possum.

I guess...I'm going.

Yeah, you go ahead.

I'm gonna try and settle killer

down before I come down.

Okay.

Easy, boy.

Easy, easy.

If my wife is watching,

uh, I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I was kind of hoping

we could turn killer here

into a hunting dog.

The theory being that

we get the moose laughing,

then it's all over.

Or maybe we could make him

a pet.

And to the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

until next time,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

okay. All rise.

Oh, sorry. You are.

All right. Okay.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Sit down, I guess.

When did this happen?

This is, uh...

Red: If you'd like to become

a member of possum lodge

and you got 3 bucks to blow,

you can either mail it to

the address here on the screen

or dial 1-800-ypossum.