Twinning/Transcript

The complete transcript for Twinning

Opening Scene
''{In a field outside the lodge, Red has inflated a beach ball with helium from a tank. The ball is tied by rope (from a barrel) to a tree stump on the ground. After inflating the ball, he releases it, and it floats into the air like a balloon, pulling the rope it's tied to along with it. The rope unwinds little by little as the ball floats up.}''

RED GREEN: You know, getting a stump like this outta your yard can be as tough as getting your wife's uncle outta your spare bedroom. But here's a solution. Get a great big beach ball, like the one I had a minute ago. Fill her up with helium, like I did a minute ago. Then wrap it up with, oh, say, 3,000 feet of rope. Then you tie the other end of the rope to the stump, {stoops down next to tree stump to emphasize position} way low down near the roots. Now, depending on where you live, you might use more rope; you might use less. But I use 3,000 because around here small planes fly at 2,500.

''{By now, the rope has fully unwound. Red looks up as a plane flies by overhead and catches on the rope in doing so. The rope pulls on the tree stump and uproots it from the ground. Red gives a thumbs-up to the camera.}''

Intro
''{Red walks into the lodge, holding some papers in his hand. He walks up close to the camera and waves to the cheering audience. He raises his hands to wave down the cheering. He laughs.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. I got kind of a special project going on at the lodge this week. You know they have this deal where you can twin your town or city with another town or city, even in another country? And then you do the switcheroo. You live in somebody else's home, and you see how they live and what their house smells like, you know? {chuckles} Well, we figured this would be a great way to promote the lodge, so we sent a letter, an invitation to every state in America to see if they had a town or a city that we'd twin with. I gotta tell you, their response so far has been a little negative. There's... {looks at papers and reads from them} "Over my dead body." "Yeah, that could happen." "Not right now, but call us back when Hell freezes over."

''{Suddenly, the front door opens again and Dalton Humphrey runs in, looking excited. He holds a folded piece of paper in his hand.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Red! Red, we got a winner!

RED GREEN: What?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Or should I say, a twinner!

RED GREEN: Wow!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {laughs} Yeah! {unfolds paper}

RED GREEN: You got a city that said yes?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, no, not just a city.

RED GREEN: Really?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Not just a town.

RED GREEN: What?

DALTON HUMPHREY: A whole state!

RED GREEN: What?!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah!

RED GREEN: Oh, my gosh!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Try and guess which one.

RED GREEN: {strokes chin} Well, it'd have to be a state like us. I'd say confusion.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {nods} Yes, pretty close. Pretty close. It's Iowa.

{The audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Wow! Oh, man! The whole state of Hawaii?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, Iowa. Iowa.

RED GREEN: (sounding disappointed) Oh, well, that's even better.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, the way they explained it to me is that they had a bunch of people they felt they could do without for a couple of weeks, and, uh... {Red nods} I told them there were fifty people who were doing– doing the exchange.

RED GREEN: Sure...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah...

RED GREEN: {turns to leave} Well, I'm gonna go get packed.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {stopping Red} Oh, no! No, no, I-I-I don't think you should go.

RED GREEN: Huh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, you're the lodge leader, and I think it's– it's your job to stay here and welcome these... What do you call people from Iowa?

RED GREEN: I.O.U.-ians?

DALTON HUMPRHEY: Well, whatever, but I– you know, you– you– you really need to show these people a good time while they're here.

RED GREEN: Oh...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Besides, I heard maybe someone had a little problem the last time they crossed the border.

RED GREEN: {feeling ashamed} Yeah, well, um... {clears throat} Yeah, the customs guy and I had a personality conflict. I had one, he didn't. And, uh, that led to an authority problem, where he had some and I didn't. {rubs hands together} So now I'm denied access to the U.S. for two years, so I've either gotta wait it out or shave my beard off.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looks at Red closely and nods} I'd wait it out. {turns to leave}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
DALTON HUMPHREY: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

{The camera pulls back to reveal Dalton standing behind the card table where Red and Dwight are seated.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yes siree! And today, Dwight Cardiff's gonna be playing for {holds up a pair of running shoes tied together by their laces} a new pair of running shoes! {laughs} Which should pretty much last a lifetime. {sets shoes down and picks up word sign while Dwight covers his ears} Okay, Red, you've thirty seconds to get Dwight to say this word... {turns sign around to show audience} "Sweat". "Sweat"!

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {sets sign down} And go! {Dwight uncovers his ears}

RED GREEN: Uh, okay, Dwight, use your imagination, okay? If you ever worked hard, you would break out in a...

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Rash.

RED GREEN: No, no. This is wet. It comes out of your body whenever you do hard physical labor.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Oh, tears.

RED GREEN: Let's say you see a guy out in the noonday sun, pounding rocks. And you say, "Boy, he's really working up a..."

DWIGHT CARDIFF: "...cardiac infarction."

RED GREEN: {nods} Okay... {snaps fingers} All right, let's say you've got a real good friend asks you for a favor and you say, "Hey, no..."

DWIGHT CARDIFF: {shakes head} "...chance."

DALTON HUMPHREY: Almost outta time, Red.

''{Red massages his forehead in frustration briefly. He then points to what Dwight is wearing: a T-shirt and gray sweatpants.}''

RED GREEN: What do– What do you have on there, Dwight? What's that called?

DWIGHT CARDIFF: {looking down at where Red is pointing} I dunno. Activewear?

RED GREEN: No, it's, uh... It's a suit. It's a kind of suit.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Leisure suit?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Last clue, Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay, uh... {rubs chin} Okay, what do athletes do in that kind of outfit?

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Commercials. {Red groans and facepalms himself} Look, Red, I don't even really want the shoes. Don't sweat it.

RED GREEN: There you go! {rings bell rapidly to end the game}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You got it!

{Dalton puts the running shoes on the table for Dwight, who stares in confusion.}

The Experts
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for that portion of the show where we feature those three little words men find so hard to say...

''{Winston is revealed to be sitting on a chair, with a table in front of it. Next to his chair, Red and Brian are sitting on a car-themed couch.}''

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW! {headlights on car couch light up with each word}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {looks at letter} And our letter reads as follows: {reads} "Dear Experts, I have to deliver the eulogy at an uncle's funeral next week, and I don't know what to say. He never came to any family gatherings, and none of us really knew him. Still, I feel we owe him something, because when he died, he left us each a pretty good chunk of change. Any suggestions? Signed, In the Black."

RED GREEN: Well, I would say you can say whatever you want. The guy's not gonna argue with you, huh?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You know, Red, I don't think you're the right person to answer this question. You know, funerals are a time for forgiveness and serious reflection. Isn't that the way you do it at the funeral home, Brian?

BRIAN JACOBS: {shakes head} Not if I can help it. Planting people is a tough business. I mean, all day long, you've got to be straight-faced and sober and serious. Sober's the hardest.

RED GREEN: {amused} I guess you gotta just grab your laughs where you can get 'em, eh, Brian?

BRIAN JACOBS: Oh, you said it.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

BRIAN JACOBS: We have this one organist...

RED GREEN: Uh-huh...

BRIAN JACOBS: ...likes to slip in other songs in between regular funeral music. Oh, it is hard to keep a straight face when he starts playing "Hit the Road, Jack".

RED GREEN: {laughs} You know, you morticians kill me, you know.

BRIAN JACOBS: {amused} No, that's doctors. We're just the clean-up crew.

{Red and Brian both laugh, while Winston stares, somewhat less amused.}

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If our, um... If our viewer is still watching, um... Listen, I-I don't think you're gonna get anywhere with the eulogy. I think you're on your– I think you're on your own. And that's a good thing.

BRIAN JACOBS: {holds up hands defensively} Whoa! No, I'm sorry. I got carried away. Okay, the eulogy thing. Well, if you don't know the guy that well, {takes a piece of paper out of coat pocket} it's best to go with our standard send-off speech, which, by the way, is available on our new gravesite website: www.dead.com. {reads paper} "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Some guys wear out, others just rust. This one was quiet, not much to say, and he's looking more laid-back than ever today. But don't waste your tears, it's no time to grieve. We all prefer guests who know when to leave. If he's gone to Heaven, he won't have it so rough. And if he's gone straight to Hell, you'll meet again soon enough."

Handyman Corner
''{Wearing a jacket, Red walks up to a picnic table outside the lodge. He holds a hockey stick in one hand and a duffel bag in the other.}''

RED GREEN: I know a lot of you guys have an old bag at home that only gets out when you go play hockey. I'm talking about one of these, right? {puts duffel bag on table} And I bet the stuff inside hasn't seen the light of day in a while, has it, huh? If you're like me, the only time you hit the ice these days is when you tip your glass up too high. {opens up bag} So this week on– {coughs as something emerges from the bag} This week on Handyman Corner, {puts duffel bag aside and picks up hockey stick} I'm gonna show you how you can turn your old hockey equipment into state-of-the-art fishing gear. {reaches hand into bag and pulls out reel} All right, you start with the hockey stick itself, or as I call it now, the fishing rod. We're gonna attach the reel on here {takes out a roll of hockey tape} using the right-winger's secret weapon, hockey tape. A person is never too old to change.

''{Red starts to attach the reel to the hockey stick with the hockey tape. Wipe to a later scene. Red has finished attaching the reel on. He has also attached several more rolls of tape along the stick, with the fishing line threaded through it.}''

RED GREEN: I know what you're thinking: "Get reel." Well, I did. I used the extra rolls of hockey tape to finish the job. {takes and holds up a goalie mask} What you might wanna do is, keep a goalie mask handy, too. You know, in case you're fishing out of season or maybe your rod has an illegal curve. Now, I guess we could just stop with what we've got so far, but hey, we have a lot more unused hockey gear still in the bag, so I say we take her up a notch or two and do our fishing from a boat. {takes a pair of hockey pants} I've already got a cooler, one leg for drinks, the other for bait.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has set up the hockey equipment all along the boat.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, I've attached the elbow pads and shin pads all along the sides of the boat here in case I come in here in a breakaway and hit the posts. Then I got all my fishing gear into the hockey bag, so I say it's time to go fishing.

''{He pushes on the edge of the lake, sending the boat drifting out into the middle of the water. He then takes a pair of hockey sticks and uses them as oars to row the boat out into the middle of the lake. Wipe to a later scene.}''

RED GREEN: You know, I found the seat a bit too hard in this unit, {stands up in boat, revealing that he's sitting on some goalie equipment} so I got out the goalie equipment and stacked the pads. That'll also save me from having any surprises in the five hole. Thought about using my protective cup as a bobber on that, but it brought back too many painful memories. {waves dismissively} All right, that's enough talk. {takes hockey stick-cum-fishing rod} Let's do some fishing. I'm sure I'll catch a fish in a couple of minutes. Two minutes, tops. {raises hockey stick up} Two minutes for high sticking.

''{Red sits there for a brief period of time, holding up the rod. He clears his throat briefly. After a moment of awkward silence, Red speaks again.}''

RED GREEN: You know, Gump Worsley's real name was Lorne. {another awkward pause} And it's just that easy. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

{Suddenly, a fish is heard catching on the reel.}

RED GREEN: Oh, man! Oh, I've got one! Oh, boy, she's a big one. She's a big one. Let me use the net! Gonna need the net on this!

''{He pulls on a rope and raises a hockey goal net in the back of the boat. He then pulls on the reel hard and brings in the fish. It lands on the hockey goal net behind him. A buzzer sounds while a red light flashes. Red stands up in the boat and does a little victory dance.}''

Midlife
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to you middle-aged guys for a minute. Remember when you were fourteen years old, and you went and told your parents in that real snotty voice you had that you were never gonna turn out like them? You were never going to be fat or have a boring job. And you were going to listen to Jimi Hendrix forever. Remember how surprised you were when they didn't get mad or try to get even? Well, take a look at yourself right now, driving that massive gut home from the bowling ball factory, with the radio playing Kenny G there. And when you get home your own kids are gonna tell you that you are absolutely, totally out of it. And just like your parents, you're not gonna say anything to them, because you know you don't have to. You now realize that parents don't need to get revenge. Mother Nature will do it for you. Oh, yeah. And I'll tell you something else: if she won't, the police will. So what you gotta concentrate on now is your own parents, who are probably about a million years old. I suggest you take the best care of them you can. Not so much because you want to, but because Mother Nature is watching, and so are your own kids. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, our visitors from Iowa started arriving today. I understand they have a bit of an accent. They say "out and about" kinda weird. Other than that, I hope they're just like the guys at the lodge; you know, normal.

''{As Red stands there, outside, through the windows behind him, Dalton is leading the crowd of visitors from Iowa toward the front door. Blissfully unaware, Red laughs.}''

RED GREEN: Heck, there's only fifty of 'em. I can– I can, uh, keep fifty people entertained for half an hour. I've got the ratings to prove it.

{The door opens again and Dalton enters excitedly.}

RED GREEN: Oh! Oh, Dalton I see the people from Iowa are here.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, yeah, yeah! That's them.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: They seem fine! {shrugs}

RED GREEN: {seeing the crowd looking up at the sky} How come, uh... How come they're looking up in the sky there?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {laughing} Okay... I– I told them the lodge was named after a possum that arcs through the sky every year about this time, and... {laughs} they're watching for it!

RED GREEN: They're gonna fit in great up here.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {laughs} Oh, yeah. {suddenly becomes a bit uncomfortable} Uh... I, uh... {clears throat} I have some– something I have– {clears throat again and adjusts sweater} something I have to tell you, Red.

RED GREEN: {concerned} Is this personal?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No.

RED GREEN: Okay, go ahead.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Uh... {gestures outside with thumb; softly} This is just the first wave.

RED GREEN: What?

DALTON HUMPHREY: There's five hundred of them.

RED GREEN: {incredulously} What?!

DALTON HUMPHREY: They said that if we send down fifty, that America's got ten times more people, so they're gonna send up five hundred. {Red looks away, looking quite uncomfortable at this revelation} Okay, okay, okay. {turns to leave} That's a load off.

RED GREEN: HEY, HEY, HEY! {waves Dalton back over} DALTON! GET BACK HERE!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, I gotta go! I'm leaving for Iowa in an hour.

RED GREEN: You can't leave me here with five hundred of 'em!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, oh, they won't bother you. They're very self-sufficient.

RED GREEN: They'll bother me! Dalton, I'm the lodge leader! They'll come to me!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, no, they won't. No, no, these are Americans, Red. No, they– they pay no attention at all to their leaders.

{Dalton leaves while Red stands there, nodding, as though Dalton does have a point.}

Segue: Winston Rothschild
{Winston stands behind his truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Winston Rothschild here of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Space, the final frontier. Sewage, the final back-tier.

{Winston holds up his business card.}

Ranger Gord's Educational Films
{Ranger Gord is seated in his fire watchtower, next to a film projector.}

RANGER GORD: Oh, hey, there, boys and girls. I'm just about set with a brand new animated film. Hey, I think that my drawings and characterizations are getting better and better all the time, don't you? Well, heck, if you do, why don't you write a letter to your local TV station and tell them? {takes a piece of paper} You know, you might want to go as far as to say that Ranger Gord's animated films are by far the best part of The Red Green Show and should be a separate and better show all on their own. Remember, only you can write a letter like that. {becomes uncomfortable} I apparently can't write a letter like that to a TV station, {looks at letter} because they always call me and say they recognize my handwriting. {suddenly becomes upset briefly as he crumples up the piece of paper and throws them down} Anyway, I'm just about set here. Remember, be real. It's not necessary that you say the rest of The Red Green Show sucks, unless you really want to. Okay, here we go. Here's your favorite part of the show. {starts the projector}

''{The film starts, displaying the titles: "Ranger Gord's Educational Films" and "Written and Directed and Animated and Voices by: Ranger Gord". The film fades to Ranger Gord posing with the title "Starring Ranger Gord! (Me)". The film fades again to a shot of the moon with the Earth in the distance. The title reads, "Today's episode.....", then "ALIEN ASSUMPTIONS". The scene then fades to show Gord, Little Red and Little Harold sitting around a campfire at night. Little Harold is toasting a marshmallow.}''

RANGER GORD: Question for you: Who would win a race to the moon? A space alien in a flying saucer or myself sitting in my watchtower?

LITTLE HAROLD: ''Fwa! {Little Red facepalms himself}'' Is this a trick question, Ranger Gord?

LITTLE RED: Gord, are you nuts?

{Suddenly, a strange light shines down on Little Red, and he feels himself being pulled up off the ground.}

LITTLE RED: Hey! Hey, what's going on here?!

''{The beam of light is revealed to be coming from a flying saucer. It's a tractor beam, which has caught Red and pulls him into the saucer.}''

LITTLE RED: Hey, put me down! {screams}

RANGER GORD: Whoa! What are the chances of that happening?

{Harold takes out a calculator to answer that question, but Gord smacks his hand in front of Harold's face, knocking the calculator down.}

RANGER GORD: No time for math, Harold. To the watchtower!

''{Gord grabs Harold and runs to his watchtower. It turns into a spaceship and takes off after the saucer. Cut to a transition scene with Gord's head zooming in and back out with swirls appearing in the background, then cut again to the saucer (which has a bumper sticker on the back reading "I [heart] Earth") and Gord's watchtower/spaceship catching up with it. Gord, wearing a space helmet, is steering the ship, with Harold at his side.}''

RANGER GORD: Engage the sirens, Harold.

''{Harold nervously pushes several buttons. A police siren appears on top of the spaceship, lighting up and making siren noises. Gord leans out of the tower to address the saucer.}''

RANGER GORD: {gesturing behind himself with thumb} Pull over!

''{The saucer lands on the moon, with Gord's spaceship landing as well with a crash. Cut to the same transition scene with Gord's head, then cut again to Gord and Harold standing over the saucer. Gord knocks on the bubble window of the saucer. It opens, revealing an alien inside.}''

RANGER GORD: Do you realize how fast you were going? {the alien shakes its head}

LITTLE HAROLD: {pointing at alien} You were approaching the speed of light, my friend. And school is out. Haw!

''{The alien zaps a blue energy beam from its eyes at Harold, disorienting him briefly. It then holds up a card to Gord.}''

RANGER GORD: What's this? {takes card and looks at it} Well! Harold, looks like this guy has a license to travel at any speed. {the alien hands Gord another card} And a license to abduct small woodland creatures. {holds up Harold} You realize you've missed one? {Harold becomes visibly} Pop your trunk there, buddy.

''{The alien obliges. Little Red is seen inside all tied up. Gord throws Harold in as well.}''

RANGER GORD: Don't worry, guys. Getting an implant in your neck is a small price to pay for a trip into deep space. You two are very fortunate.

''{Gord shuts the trunk. Red and Harold are heard crying out from inside. Gord pays no attention as he waves to the alien, who waves back before shutting the bubble window. The saucer takes off, while Gord salutes.}''

RANGER GORD: You know, folks, I just assumed that alien was doing something wrong, and that's not right. Never judge a book by its cover, or an alien by what it's doing.

''{All the while that Gord is speaking, however, behind him, the saucer winds up crashing into Saturn, blowing itself and the planet up. Gord is blissfully unaware as he laughs heartily.}''

RANGER GORD: Bye-bye.

''{The film ends with the word "Fin" inside the moon over the nighttime forest. Cut back to the real Ranger Gord in his tower, who applauds for a moment and gives a double thumbs-up before turning off the projector.}''

Red's Handyman Tips
''{Red walks up to a worktable outside the lodge next to a shed. He holds a plug-in timer in each hand. The table has a TV set and a tape recorder on it.}''

RED GREEN: Here's a tip that will keep your wife happy if you're late at a lodge meeting or a sporting event or a police lineup, and you know you're not going to make it home by curfew. {holds up timers} You know these plug-in timers have been around for a few years, but they've never really reached their full potential until now. Let's say on Friday night coming up your wife's gonna expect you home at 10:00, and you know there's no way you're gonna get there before midnight. No problem. First of all, one day when she's not home, {picks up tape recorder from worktable} take one of these tape machines, and record the sound of your own back door opening and closing.

''{He pushes "play" on the recorder. The sound of a door opening and closing is heard on it.}''

RED GREEN: Now, you rewind the tape; you unplug her. {holds up a power strip with a huge load of plugs and extensions in it and unplugs one plug} You plug it into one of these timers. {plugs this plug into one timer} You set the unit for {turns dial} 10:00 PM. You plug her back in. {plugs timer into overloaded strip} Because you know by 10:00, your wife's gonna be lying in bed just listening for the sound of that door. Now, how many married guys go straight to bed when they get home? Not counting newlyweds, I'd say zero. So the next sound she's listening for {tapes TV} is the TV coming on. Well, that's where your second timer comes in. {turns on TV and sets a channel} Turn her on there, set the channel, and you set the timer for a minute later. {plugs TV into timer} Just make sure you've got the TV set for one of the sports channels. {plugs this timer into power strip} If Terms of Endearment comes on there, it's all over. Otherwise, it's just that easy. {holds up index finger} But remember, this is just for an occasional emergency. You do this once too often, your wife's liable to catch on.

{The tape recorder turns on.}

WOMAN ON TAPE: Honey, is that you?

''{The tape turns off. Red stares in awkward confusion.}''

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the lodge, while the people from Iowa are standing around outside.}

RED GREEN: Man, I feel like a stranger in my own town with all these Iowa people roaming around. Mind you, they don't ask for much, and we got plenty of that. I kind of like having them around here, to be honest with you. I'm actually not missing the guys all that much, actually. Not missing them at all. Actually, I think I might even prefer it this way.

''{Suddenly, four of the Iowa visitors enter, dressed like Winston, Edgar, Dalton and Mike. Red spots them and does a double take. He clutches at his own face as he tries to make sense of it all.}''

RED GREEN: Am I having an hallucination of some kind here?

MAN WHO IS DRESSED LIKE DALTON: Hello, Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah?

MAN WHO IS DRESSED LIKE DALTON: We'd like to introduce ourselves. I'm Douglas Hudson of the Hudson's Everything Store, Ames, Iowa.

{He reaches out his hand to Red, who shakes it.}

RED GREEN: Hi, Douglas. How you doing?

DOUGLAS: {gesturing toward man dressed like Mike} And this is Mark.

RED GREEN: {shaking hands with Mark} Mark, how are you?

MARK: Hi, Mr. Green.

{As he shakes Red's hand, however, he reaches into Red's back pocket and pulls out his wallet.}

RED GREEN: {seeing what Mark is doing} Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

{He snatches his wallet back and puts it in his other back pocket.}

DOUGLAS: {gesturing toward man dressed like Edgar} And this is Hector.

HECTOR: {putting his hand to his ear, as if having trouble hearing} Eh?!

DOUGLAS: {gesturing toward man dressed like Winston} And this is Vincent of the Oskaloosa Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

VINCENT: {giving Red his business card} When you play poker with me, a flush beats a full house.

{Utterly dumbfounded, Red looks at Vincent's business card and shakes his head, while the audience cheers and applauds.}

RED GREEN: Now, this is spooky.

DOUGLAS: We really enjoy your television show.

RED GREEN: Oh, well, thank you very much. I appreciate that. You guys from Iowa really like comedy, do you?

DOUGLAS: It's comedy?

{At that moment, the "Squeal of the Possum" is heard.}

RED GREEN: All right, that's the meeting. Way you go. {the newcomers head for the door to the basement at the back} You guys go ahead. I need a moment here.

{Red clutches at his forehead, trying to make sense of all that is going on.}

RED GREEN: Oh, my gosh.

''{Just then, the front door opens again, and another Iowan appears, dressed like Red himself. He walks up to the real Red, who can't take it anymore.}''

RED GREEN: No, no! {points toward basement stairs} Go! Go!

{The man dressed like Red walks down the basement stairs while the real Red is more than a little annoyed.}

RED GREEN: {looking into camera} Okay, if my wife is watching, that man is NOT me! When I hop into bed tonight, you better check my personal ID, and I think you know what I mean by that! {to audience} To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, real or fake, {waves} keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red turns and goes down into the lodge basement. Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Douglas, Mark, Hector, Vincent and the Red lookalike are all up at the front of the meeting, waving the other men to take their seats and sit down as the real Red comes down the stairs.}''

DOUGLAS: Sit, sit. Sit down.

''{By now, the real Red has taken his place at the front of the meeting, between the lookalike Red and Mark. Everyone else has sat down, while both Reds remain standing.}''

RED LOOKALIKE: All rise.

{Everyone else gets to their feet and puts their arms in front of their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits back down} All right, uh, bow your heads for the Man's Prayer.

{Everyone bows their heads.}

EVERYONE: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

{Everyone raise their heads back up.}

RED GREEN: Okay, guys, I've got some great news for you. I know you're supposed to be going back to Iowa today, but I know you've already enjoyed yourselves here. I've decided to extend the hospitality. You're all allowed to stay for another couple of weeks.

{No one answers; they stare in awkward silence.}

RED GREEN: And I'm– I'm– I'm extending that invitation to each and every one of you. Now, if for some oddball reason somebody does need to get back, you should probably excuse yourself from the meeting now and go upstairs before the buses leave.

{Suddenly, everyone jumps up from their seats and rushes for the basement stairs at once.}

RED GREEN: Hey, wait, wait wait, wait!