Love Is In The Air/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, the problem with

making a man-sized

submarine sandwich

is the mess you make

trying to eat it.

You bite into this baby

and you're going

to have more spillage

than the exxon valdez.

But as always,

where there's a will,

there's a handyman.

Get yourself an

old caulking tube.

Empty it first.

Okay, now instead of putting

the goodies into the sandwich,

you put them in here.

Okay, we're ready

for the next step.

Get yourself a drill bit

that's the same size

as the widest part

of the nozzle.

It doesn't matter what

kind of bit it is.

Wood, metal, even concrete,

this won't be hard to drill

and if you don't

have a vice,

just hold the bun

between your legs

and you'll find out how

a submarine sandwich

got it's name.

[ drilling sound ]

okay, make sure you don't

drill all the way through.

Anybody who's had the flu

knows it's impossible

to control both ends

at the same time.

And we're good to go.

Okay, we got her

all filled up.

Now comes the tricky part.

Getting the tube out

and plugging the hole

with a gherkin.

And it's just that easy.

No muss, no fuss and

she's real good eating.

[ sound of glass breaking ]

next time I'll

hold the pickle.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Appreciate it.

Well big, big week

up at the lodge this week.

Harold's been asked over

to his fiancee's house

to meet everybody

in the family.

So I made him a little

gift to take along

and help make a good

first impression.

Normally, the only

people that like harold

at first sight

are dentists.

You know uncle red --

yeah?

[ cheers and applause ]

I don't think I

should take a gift.

What?

I don't think I

should take a gift.

I think they should

accept me just as I am.

Well that's a lot

to ask, harold.

And you know, I've put a

lot of work into this gift.

I've wrapped it

and everything.

Oh my.

I wonder what it could be?

Well you know when

bonnie's family sees you

they'll probably say

exactly the same thing.

Why I'm just sure they already

have a barbeque, uncle red.

Oh no, not like

this one, harold.

It's remote controlled.

Oh, how does that work?

Pretty well.

So are you going to

take the gift or not?

Well I guess so.

Yeah, I mean, it's

certainly different.

You should talk.

I mean, I really like

the safety aspect of it.

I'm just worried they

may not get it to work.

I don't suppose

you wrote a manual?

Well harold, it's just

like unlocking your car.

Oh hey look,

it's suppertime.

Let's fire

up the barbeque.

[ explosion ]

[ cheers and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives this coupon

for one free anger

management class

at big bob's institute

of tough love.

You've tried the rest,

now sit down and shut up.

All right, cover your

ears there, mike.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get mike hammer

to say this word...

All right winston.

And go!

Okay, mike,

your father is?

One of three guys.

Okay, this is a person

who raises children.

Oh, detentions officer.

Okay, um, let's say

you're a kid

who wants to

go to a movie

that has sex and

violence in it.

You need to

bring along a?

Fake I.D.

No, okay, okay.

When some woman is

about to have your baby

that means soon you'll be?

Hiding out in mexico?

All right,

remember last year,

you were dating that woman

and you were nervous

about meeting her?

Husband.

No, uh, okay, okay.

Let's try this.

These are older people

that you loved when you

were growing up

but they're gone now.

Grand?

Oh, funk railroad.

Almost out of time, red.

Yeah, uh...

Okay mike, when you

think of your mother,

you think of a single?

Stuffed into

her g-string.

You know, everybody in

the world has two of these

and you can't come

up with the word?

Apparently not.

There we go!

[ bell ringing ]

yeah!

Well, I'm not getting any.

You know, there are so

many ways to take that.

And all of

them are correct.

You know what I'm

going to do?

What?

I'm going to read

the newspaper.

You know, I never get

to do it at home

because I'm always getting

interrupted by the wife

or the daughter

or the phone

or the crap

on television.

Hey, I catch

one lousy fish

and you go and

throw it back in.

Well, it's floating

there, scoop it up.

Fine.

There you go, mike.

Now you've

caught two fish.

Oh wow.

A woman in ohio gave

birth to a 90-pound dwarf

who brings a message

of world peace.

Really?

Yeah, it says

so right here.

Wow, no kidding, eh?

Yeah, here's a

political article too,

it says,

alabama town sheriff

is actually a beagle.

No kidding, eh?

I wondered what huckleberry

hound was doing.

It's true, red,

look, look.

They've got a

picture of the dog

in uniform right there.

That's fake, dalton.

What?

They'd never let

the ears stick out

through the

hat like that.

Every police dog I ever met

was always plainclothed.

Well it says here, the beagle

has a specially-adapted

squad car that

doesn't have a siren

because he can stick his

head out the window

and go arrooooo.

Dalton, you don't

believe that.

Why not?

It's in the paper.

Yeah, well instead of

looking at a tabloid,

try a real newspaper.

Okay, ambassador predicts

middle east peace.

The mayor promises

no new taxes.

Hollywood wants to make some

more family-friendly movies.

Here.

[ crash ]

[ crash ]

you know, there are two things

every man finds hard to do.

Number one is parallel park.

Number two is explain to your

wife why you watch this show.

Now, I can only deal with

one problem at a time

so I'm going to focus

on the parallel parking.

The problem is pretty simple.

You need the car

to move sideways

but the wheels

don't point that way.

What if you add

a set of wheels?

Smaller wheels?

These are brand

new caster wheels.

They're too pricey for me

so dalton just

loaned me a bunch.

Or, at least, I'm sure

he would've if he was home.

Now I'm going to

mount those casters

on this heavy-duty

piece of marine plywood.

Okay, I'm not good with metric.

This is one-inch ply

but if you were buying it

from a canadian lumber store,

you got to switch

over to celsius

which I believe is

nine deca-heca-liter.

Okay, this first

thing you want to do

is you got to cut this thing

so it's the same length

as the distance between

the front and back wheels.

For once in my life,

everything's working

out perfect.

Okay, I got the board

mounted on there

with a jack in each corner.

Got the casters underneath

pointing sideways.

This looks like

a winner to me.

How can you lose

with four jacks?

The jacks are activated

by what were cordless drills

but I've got them running

off the cigarette lighter.

They're nine-volt drills

and the car is 12-volt

so that should save

me a lot of time.

And the beauty of dc is that

you can reverse the drills

by just switching the wires.

So I got one cigarette lighter

for lowering the unit

and I got another

one for raising it.

I'm done with

parallel parking.

I'm into

perpendicular parking.

[ sound of cordless drill ]

[ applause ]

then when I'm ready to go,

just roll the car out,

and drop the tires

back on to the road.

So remember, if the women

don't find you hand --

hand --

oh...

They should at least

find you creative.

[ car starting ]

[ applause ]

you know, a lot

of guys my age get upset

because they can't seem

to find a decent conversation.

They say nobody wants

to talk to me anymore.

When the truth is nobody wants

to listen to you anymore.

Conversation is an art

not an outlet, okay.

It's not a sporting event

where your goal is to dominate.

Think of the last conversation

you had with a friend.

Oh, I know, you rattled on for

15 minutes without breathing.

But what did they say?

What did you hear from them?

Was it phrases

like, oh really?

Well, well...

And I got to go?

Then no wonder you can't

find a conversation.

You don't need a friend,

you need a podium.

Try being on the receiving

end a little more often.

You know, even a sewage plant

has to take something in

before it spews anything out.

And you might want to

think before you talk.

Don't walk up to

the new neighbour

and start ragging on

about all the problems

with organized religion

only to find out

he's a lutheran minister.

And don't say

the word porker

until you've seen

the size of his wife.

Every time you shoot

your mouth off

you hit yourself

in the foot.

Try listening.

You've got one mouth

and two ears.

There's a reason for that.

I, on the other hand,

have a hat over mine.

Remember, I'm

pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ cheers and applause ]

there's a famous quote

that says,

you can never go home.

Well if this applies

to your house,

maybe it's time you

get your septics pumped.

Oh, there we go.

Yeah, dalton asked me

to find this bottle

of animal musk.

There's a female scent

in there that attracts

the male animals

when you spread it out

on bushes or whatever.

It's kind of like

sex appeal in a bottle.

It scares me to think

what dalton wants it for.

Oh boy.

How do I look?

Oh harold, don't

ask me that.

I'm not a good liar.

You see, I'm a

little bit nervous.

You know, I want bonnie's

parents to really like me.

I mean, I am marrying

their daughter.

Yeah, well, I'm thinking

they waited a while

so they probably lowered

their standards a bit.

Seriously, I look okay?

No, you look fine.

I smell okay?

You look fine.

This is that aftershave

they advertise on t.V.

It smells a lot

better on t.V.

Well I'm going to go

meet my new family.

I sure hope they're

not a bunch of dorks

or something

like that, eh?

[ applause ]

red, did you find

that bottle of musk?

Yeah, it's right here.

What do you want

it for, dalton?

Well you know, I

spread it around

the parking

lot of my store.

Customers see the animals

and they don't look

so closely at my prices.

Oh, that's good.

This isn't right.

This smells

like aftershave.

No, this is

aftershave, here.

No, no, red,

that is animal musk.

Harold!

Harold!

[ applause ]

bill and I are going to

spend the day on the lake

and he wanted to

use the canoe

but I just didn't feel

like going in the canoe.

Bill had a little more

sanding to do so I --

bill, no, do

something else.

I have a boat --

I had left a boat

up there in the woods

a couple of years back

and I knew exactly

where it was.

Sorry bill.

Yeah, she's down

in here somewhere.

Yeah, here we go.

The boat right here,

oh, oh, oh.

Watch out for the tongue

of the trailer there, bill.

Yeah so I figured I'd

go get the possum van,

clear some bush

out of there

and we'll just

haul her out.

It's got the hitch on

the back and everything.

So as I was going

back to the van

I noticed there was a

bit of the broken --

I thought maybe I'll

just cover that up.

It's kind of

a little recycling

and I don't want

bill to see that.

You know, that was a

complete accident

as far as I'm concerned.

So we get the possum van

hooked up to the boat trailer

and attached her real good

is that the trees had kind of

grown up around the boat

there was no way I could get it

cleared out of there, so...

There was no way of

getting the boat out

unless we knock

some of those --

do we need to take

some of those trees down?

That's the only way --

bill's got an idea.

He's got an axe.

Oh... Okay.

That's not really what

I had in mind, bill.

I noticed that the head

is now missing on his axe

and we're looking

around for that.

Can't figure out

quite where that went.

So I got a hole

in my boat now

and there's only one thing

worse than a hole in your boat

and that would be two

holes in your boat.

Now where's the

head of the axe?

There it is,

yeah, okay.

All right, so, yeah.

Luckily bill gets back

working on the boat.

You know, I'll tell

you one thing,

the trees are safe.

I take the --

okay, let's

get the axe --

now let's try something

a little safer than that.

All right, this is --

same problem.

All right, think of

something else, bill.

Must be something else.

Bill?

Okay, got an idea.

Okay, now do not ever fill

your chainsaw up like --

I'm thinking to myself,

this is going to be interesting.

And it is.

Get the --

no, no, no, no.

So he gets her going and I

think he had the mix off

on the oil and gas

cause she was

smoking real good.

It got the point like I

couldn't see what he was doing.

That didn't matter.

The big problem was he couldn't

see what he was doing

but the trees

were coming down.

So I thought okay,

benefit of the doubt,

we'll get the boat out

but I'm not sure it was

technically even a boat

any more at this point.

Okay, bill, now what?

Well good ol' bill always

has another plan.

So he starts pulling

the logs together

and I realize

what he's up to.

Down to the boat ramp.

We got the outboard mounted

on the back of a log ramp

with the boat windshield

and the canoe front.

[ applause ]

remember when you used to

have these electric blankets

with the dual controls

so your wife could simmer

on her own side of the bed.

Then, once the

hot flashes started,

you replaced this baby with

a 40-horsepower ceiling fan.

Well today, we're going

to turn this unit into

something useful.

Okay, first you want to cut --

no, first... Unplug it.

Second, cut the one side

into strips about a foot wide.

Now you're probably

going to snip through

a few wires as you go

but just reconnect them later

with the handyman's

secret solder.

Okay now you just attach

those strips to the edge

of the other half

of the blanket

and that way the dual

controls will allow us

to set one temperature

for the centre

and a different temperature

for the outside.

Have you figured out where

I'm going with this?

Me neither.

Oh yeah, I know.

Now I never have to worry

about dinner getting cold again

because on the outside edge

I've got her set on warm

because that's where

my dinner plates are

and then for the serving

dishes in the middle,

I've got her cranked

to the max.

Now, if you're serving

something cold like salad,

well... Don't.

Nobody likes salad,

serve hot dishes.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I see by my electric blanket

that it's time

for me to tuck in.

[ electrical arcing ]

wow, harold's been over at

bonnie's place for a while

and I haven't heard

any emergencies

on the police band radio.

So... I guess

everything's okay.

It was an accident that

he covered himself

with animal musk.

It's probably

worn off by now.

[ harold screaming ]

there's a wolf!

A wolf!

He chased me all

the way home.

What does he want?

Probably just

your phone number.

I got an idea.

Take the jacket off

and'll splash some

animal musk on it.

I thought that

was aftershave.

Yeah, I made a mistake.

It turns out old spice

is young moose.

Oh, but I

like this jacket.

Not as much as

mister wolf does.

Get it off there.

Why can't I have

a normal life?

You don't want

to know, harold.

Okay, give me the jacket.

Take this.

On boy.

We shouldn't be

watching this.

No.

They're in love!

Oh, I know, I know.

Boy this is all happening

on the first date, huh?

Do you know what,

I'm going to give

him a little privacy.

What should I do.

Wait a couple of minutes

and then toss the

wolf a cigarette.

Boy, this musk stuff

is pretty powerful.

Well you know

it's nature.

Nature's the

powerful stuff.

Oh, I know.

So how'd it go over

at bonnie's place?

Was the musk a problem?

No not really.

Her mother was a

little threatened

but her father kept

putting his arm around me.

The dog really liked me.

He proposed to my leg.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time.

Yeah, you go

ahead, harold.

I'll be right down.

Okay.

Be careful with that.

Oh boy.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting

and I hope you're going

to put on that scent

that drives me crazy...

Honey-garlic.

And the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

harold and the wolf

and everybody else up

here at possum lodge...

Keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down!

Sit down, now.

Sit down.

Come on, sit down.

You guys in the back there.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Bow your heads for

the man's prayer.

I'm a man

but I can change

if I have to

I guess.

Okay men, we had a bit

of a labelling mix up

on the musk that

you've been using.

So, we need you

to stop spreading that

over all the trees

and bushes and everything

'cause the whole forest