The Used Helicopter/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

red:

Hi. This is red green.

In today's show, harold's

gonna review some movies,

bill's gonna make

some camp alarms,

and I'm gonna turn a toaster

into a cd player.

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold:

And now here's the man

with the big ideas

but the small budget,

the high expectations

but the low standards,

the rising profile

but the fallen arches,

my uncle, your host,

red green.

Thank you very much,

and, uh, thank you, harold.

What an interesting introduction

filled with oxymoron,

which surprised me.

I've never seen you

do the "oxy" part before.

Well, you'd be surprised

what I can do.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

Not pleasantly surprised.

Big, big week

at the lodge this week.

Junior singleton took

all of his money out of the bank

and bought himself

a used helicopter.

Can't believe they would sell

somebody a used helicopter.

Yeah, especially junior.

He doesn't even have

a pilot's license.

No, but he has

a bank balance, harold.

And I believe the insurance

on a helicopter's a lot cheaper

if you never fly it.

Junior's real smart

with money like that.

Well, it would be great

if we can get

some aerial shots of the lodge

for the show.

Well, I think

you're gonna have to

get those

from the aerial.

'cause a couple

of days ago,

junior went down for his

helicopter-license test.

It wasn't good, harold.

He -- he flunked the oral test.

He flunked the written test.

He flunked the eye test.

He went in the wrong washroom

for the other test.

Well, you know, I'd look good

in a helicopter, huh?

Wouldn't I look good as a --

as a chopper pilot?

I see you more

as chopped liver, harold.

You better watch what you say

to me, uncle red. Wa-a-a.

You may need me someday

to come in my helicopter

and rescue you

from a mountaintop.

You know, if we were to get

a mountain around here someday.

Harold, if I go

to a mountaintop,

it'll be to jump off.

You won't jump.

Well, maybe not

if you went first.

♪ go down to the meadow

a little after dark ♪

♪ listen to the sound ♪

♪ of the golden-throated

ruby-crested lark ♪

♪ stand by the water with your

hand cupped on your ear ♪

♪ listen very closely,

and this is what you'll hear ♪

it's extinct.

This week on,

uh, "handyman corner,"

we've got something

for you audiophiles

who collect

the phonographic literature,

which is not what the rest

of you are thinking,

so save your money.

We're gonna make us a cd player

for this, the cd.

Uh, harold tells me

that these cds

have half the hiss of an lp

or a 45 or even an 8-track,

which I find hard to believe.

Unfortunately, the cds cost

about nine times as much.

In fact, by the time

you buy a couple of them cds,

you don't have any money left

to be able to

afford the cd player.

So we're gonna show you

how to make one

using your common

household toaster.

Now, the first thing you

have to do is gut the toaster --

just like gutting a fish.

And with this toaster,

pretty well munged up

with old melted cheese,

it's gonna smell

about the same, too.

Uh, that's not gonna --

this might loosen her off

a little.

Yeah.

All right, uh, once you get

the heating unit out of there,

just, uh, put it somewhere safe

for later.

'cause in a couple of weeks,

we're gonna turn a weed whacker

into a combination hair dryer

and sideburn trimmer.

All right,

get back to our cd player.

Uh, the inside of a cd player,

as I understand it,

is basically a laser

controlled by a computer chip

soldered to a circuit board.

So what I've done is

I just, uh, crazy-glued

a bunch of digital clocks, uh,

to a pie plate.

And, of course,

you're gonna need some kind

of a small electric motor to,

uh, work as a drive

to make the cd spin.

No problem.

We've got that covered.

And when it comes to the actual,

uh, laser itself,

uh, now, these are usually

a gallium arsenide

solid-state laser,

but if by chance you don't have

one of those in your tackle box,

uh, I think you can just go

with a pocket penlight.

It's basically

the same procedure,

and I think imagination

beats intimidation

any day of the week.

So once you've got

all that stuff,

the important thing here

is to get her in there,

get it lined up

absolutely perfect,

get her balanced

in there absolutely perfect.

And then, to make sure

nothing ever moves,

you want to mount it

using the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

All right, there we go.

As you can see,

I painted her up a little bit,

gave her the flat-black,

kind of a sporty look,

and I've added some, uh,

control knobs here

to give me control

over the volume

and, uh, treble and the balance

and the melted cheese,

what I call

colby noise reduction.

And speaking of things that are

old and kind of smell funny,

I have hooked her

up to my own nordmende there

as an amplifier.

Of course, this has got

the tubes in it.

And I was concerned

about the tubes.

But, uh, I took them down

to the variety store here,

'cause they got a tube tester

in there.

And I was trying to test

the darn tubes,

having a heck of a time with it,

and I finally went to the guy.

I said, "how come the tube

tester doesn't work?"

and he says, "because

it's a banking machine."

now, that's progress for you.

So then I needed some speakers.

Well, I decided to go

with the homemade style.

And I got the wireless hookup

on those.

I figure

if I turn her up loud enough,

the sound will get

into the speakers.

And, uh, actually, I started

with pricing them out

down at the stereo store,

one of those places

where they got carpeting

across the floor and up the wall

and across the window

and over the guy's forehead

and so forth.

And, uh, boy,

they got speakers in there.

They had one speaker

that had to be 6 feet high.

It looked like a coffin.

And it would have been

once my check bounced.

So I just go

with the homemade style.

I've got her all hooked up.

I think everything's

looking good.

Why don't we just

pop the cd in there

and, uh, see how she goes?

[ explosion ]

[ sizzling ]

hmm.

[ electronic warbling ]

I got her.

Well, that's side "a" done.

Uh, if you really like music,

you can do the same thing

with a four-slicer,

and, uh, your songs will play

right up to when

the fire truck arrives.

Next week, we're gonna show you

how to turn a waffle iron

into a close-and-play

record player.

But until then, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Wonder what raisin bread

sounds like.

You know, if it's california

raisins, they might even sing.

And now it's that time

in the show

where we expose

the three words

that men find

most difficult to say --

"I don't know."

[ chuckles ]

and now here to prove that point

is my uncle red

and his best friend

in the whole wide world...

Mr. Dougie franklin.

Letter number one.

"dear experts,

for the past 10 years,

"I spent evenings

and weekends

"restoring a '68 camaro

to mint condition.

"I invested thousands of hours

and many dollars

getting it perfect."

wow, that's a --

that's a beautiful car, harold.

That fella ought

to be mighty proud.

You know,

that is a dandy -- dandy.

"when I was finished,

"I was overwhelmed

by a great feeling --

a great feeling

of emptiness."

huh!

"suddenly, I realized

that I had wasted

"an entire decade of my life

on a stupid car.

"10 precious years gone.

My family were gone.

"what a selfish,

blind fool I had been.

"how can I find meaning

in life again?

Signed, despondent."

hmm.

Does he say if

he wants to sell the car?

I -- I don't know.

I think what we're having here

with our viewer

is what we call

mid-car crisis.

This fella needs

a little guidance.

And one great place to find

some words of comfort and advice

is in your fortune cookies.

So I would suggest you get down

to the bulk-food store there

with, say, a 10-gallon pail

and just load her right up,

and sit down in front

of one of your favorite soaps

and just pig out

and get all kinds of words

of wisdom all at the same time.

Well, you know, red, there is

another source of wisdom

and one, I might add, that has

a little bit less msg.

You want to know

how to live your life?

Live by the 10 commandments.

I do.

Yeah.

Yeah, I -- I guess I do,

too, dougie.

Yeah.

Well, so do I.

I do, too.

"thou shall not kill."

[ chuckles ]

I never, never kill.

No, and, uh, of course,

there's "thou shalt not

commit adultery."

[ scoffs ]

well, that, of course,

is for, you know,

you married types, you know.

Then again, there's

"thou shalt not steal."

that's good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

that's a good one.

And, uh, there's, uh...

The others.

How many did we get?

Three.

Well, there was, uh, killing,

adultery, and stealing.

And then there's,

uh...

Yeah, yeah.

Isn't there one

about the sabbath?

There is. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, "honor thy mother

and father." that's one.

"honor thy mother

and father."

yeah, unless they're anything

like my father.

"do unto others as you'd have

them do -- do unto you."

and, uh, I think

that's number 4.

And number 10 is, uh,

"have a nice day."

yeah.

That's a cheerful one.

That's, you know, nice.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, now, I believe --

I believe number 9 is,

"if you love something,

set it free.

If it comes back to you,

go for it."

and, uh, number 3 is, uh,

"finders keepers."

oh. Words to live by.

Words to live by.

How many are we up to, now?

Uh, nine.

There's just like one more.

Yeah.

It's number 2.

What is that?

What is that one?

Got it, got it.

"it ain't over

till the fat lady sings."

yeah, there you go.

That's it.

Okay, well, I hope

that our viewer

can get some help out of these

great words of wisdom.

Yeah, and if you're

gonna sell that camaro,

give us a buzz,

will you?

"it is summer.

"you have lost your son

at the amusement park.

"he's wearing neon orange,

lime green, and bright purple,

allowing him to disappear

into the crowd."

this is beautiful.

Oh, this is first-class.

New toy, there, reg?

[ grunts ]

oh! Oh, boy!

I'm sorry, red.

This new telescopic lens

is so powerful,

I couldn't even see you.

Oh, here, take a look.

What do you see?

Great big eyeball.

Oh, no,

that's a chipmunk.

You know, reg, this might be

a little too strong

for it to be of any real use

to you, you know?

Well, I bought it to hunt

from junior's helicopter.

Can't ignore

technology, red.

No, sir.

Now, watch this.

See that acorn

on the one, two, three,

four, fifth branch

on the top of that oak tree

over there?

Watch this.

Did I get it?

Probably, eh?

I bet I did.

I bet I did, I bet.

Okay, now,

see that rock?

[ gunshot ]

well, the guys have been

having a lot of fun

with junior's

used helicopter,

but they couldn't find

a big enough landing space

between any of the trees

around the lodge,

so they

got out the big chain saw,

lopped about 6 feet

off each end

of the helicopter's

rotor blade.

I-I think that would

dramatically alter

the flying characteristics,

wouldn't it, uncle red?

I mean, you know, according

to my little bobby hobby book

on how to be an astronaut --

I'm just saying, you know,

such a modification would --

you know, it would

significantly just,

you know,

decrease the lift.

Was that just a lucky guess,

or did you hear the crash?

Landed right beside my window.

Wa-a-a!

I almost got circumvented

by the tail rotor.

That would be no damage at all,

I don't think.

So, now the guys

had to figure out

whether they should decrease

the weight of the unit

or increase the speed

of the blade

and regain

the original push.

That's lift.

That's vertical lift.

No, no, no,

not in this case.

It's more of

a horizontal push, harold.

They fired her up, and the blade

was going faster than ever,

but the whole helicopter

was doing

actually more of a sideways

than an up.

So now the whole forest

on the east side of the lodge

is exactly 6 feet tall.

Wow! Wa-a-a!

Well, I guess we got a lot more

firewood, then, huh?

Yeah, and a view.

The question is

who wants a lawn mower

that cuts your grass to 6 feet

and runs on aviation fuel?

And that's

a dangerous unit --

I mean, came right

through the bunch of us.

Luckily, none of the guys

is over 6 feet tall...

At least not anymore.

Yeah, I thought

I noticed moose thompson

had lost a little hair.

And a little forehead.

But, then,

a long forehead on moose

is just false advertising

anyway.

So, now the guys are gonna

maybe convert the thing.

They're thinking it over,

maybe make a hovercraft

out of her or a fan boat

or perhaps

a four-man cuisinart.

Wa-a-a, you guys are scary

when you get together.

Well, harold, you're scary

all by yourself.

♪ I've had

too much coffee ♪

♪ too much coffee ♪

♪ way too much

coffee ♪

♪ and that's why

I'm watching tv ♪

♪ in the middle of the night

in the bathroom ♪

♪ it's any

of your business ♪

well, big trouble out

at the campsite this week

for our "adventures with bill."

bill brought me up to show me

what was going on.

He held up

the old paddle there,

and you can see

the big teeth --

the big bite marks

out of that

from a bear or what have you,

one of those italian loaves

that have badly treated

by something very hungry,

and he had a can of --

some kind of can

of something

that had been bitten.

Then he got an idea.

[ ding! ]

hmm.

It wasn't as much of an idea

as it looked right there.

That's actually a little

portable lamp that he brings

to all his campsites

in case there's hydro.

Anyway, he's got

some washers there.

I mean, what's going on here?

Now, he says, you drop

the washers into some --

into some tin cans.

What he's trying to do

is make some kind

of a noisemaker-type deal.

[ splat! ]

hmm.

That sounded odd.

Oh, that's why that happened.

All right,

now he strings all the cans

with the washers in them,

you see.

And you string it across like

a -- I guess like a trip wire.

And he gets around the tree

with that

and, uh, pulled her tight.

But I don't think you should use

a jerking motion with those.

I think you should just tighten

that gradually, bill.

Don't -- don't --

bill, bill, bill -- no!

Well, now the -- now the washers

are kind of like, uh,

almost like a bullet

at this point.

Oh, he's fine, yeah, yeah.

[ gunfire ]

okay -- no! Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, the end

of another good idea.

Anyway, we put the washers

back in.

See how that works?

Any kind of an animal

will hear that.

And then he had

another rig there

with a little bunch of curb

feelers off the old --

oh, no, this is

the jingle-bell one first.

Yeah, they -- they --

I love that.

It's like -- sounds like

santa's coming to town, huh?

And then he had the --

these are the curb feelers

off the old studebaker --

the studebaker lark.

That makes -- oh, maybe those

are those sparkler things.

I'm not sure.

Anyway, the same idea --

the animal trips over that.

And so now bill can

just get back into the tent

and, uh, lie down.

You know what?

He's gonna take his paddle.

He likes to cuddle up

with a paddle,

ever since

that canoeing accident.

And he just,

uh, pretends he's asleep.

[ snoring ]

just pretends

he's asleep, fella.

He's a bit -- actually, well,

if he can pretend he's asleep,

I'll pretend I'm an animal.

Time to ring your bells,

there, bill.

Up he comes.

Step one --

get out of the tent.

Out of the tent!

Get out of there, bill!

Get out of there!

Get out of there!

Get out of there.

Now, go and get that bear.

That's it -- whoa, whoa!

Then back the other way, and --

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh! Oh!

Now, see, in the old days,

he wouldn't know

there was an animal.

And it would be eating

all his food.

That's progress, eh, bill?

And now, with my apologies

to young people everywhere,

here's harold.

Wa-a-a!

It's time now for teens

to tune into that

techno-pop-hip-hop-talk part

of the other show.

Wa-a-a, it's...

Okay, uh, today, I'm gonna be

reviewing that classic film

"gone with the wind."

p.U.!

This thing

was like four hours long!

That's like, you know,

two video cassettes.

Okay, enough's enough, even.

"gone with the wind"?

It should have been called,

like, "gone for lunch"

or -- or, like,

"gone fishing for a plot"

or something like that.

Four hours?

You know, I don't know.

Maybe audiences had more time

on their hands

when this movie was made

back in the 1800s or something.

I don't know.

But I'm telling you,

today's audiences --

harold!

What?

I really like

"gone with the wind," okay?

Four hours of fires,

war, horses.

And at the end there,

clark gable swore a little.

You know, I'd look a little bit

like clark gable

if I had a mustache.

Harold, if you had a mustache,

you'd look like your mother.

Well, thank you.

[ chuckles ]

she's not gonna be happy

to hear it.

I know a lot of you teenagers

go to the movies

because, uh, I'm the guy

that sits behind you

and tells you to shut up

and reminds you

that girl you're with

is the daughter

of a friend of mine.

So I know that you're getting

exposed to a lot of violence,

especially if you keep rattling

that cellophane bag of jujubes.

But the movies today,

oh, my god.

Seems like somebody's always

getting their head blown off

or you get the slice-and-dice

or you got rambo turning

everybody into spambo.

I wouldn't do to fish

what the people do to each other

in some of these movies.

And I'm concerned

that the youngsters

start accepting

that level of violence

as part of their

normal daily lives.

This could be bad news

for crossing guards.

So I'm asking you --

you teenagers particularly --

to just to put the violence

on the back burner.

Start concentrating on sex.

That's where you should have

your mind,

because the libido only lasts

a certain length of time,

whereas the urge to smack

somebody in the melon

goes right to the grave

and beyond.

I heard that, uh,

junior singleton

was, uh, fooling around with his

helicopter down by the docks,

so I went down to see

hap shaughnessy

and see if he'd seen him

and had any idea

what was going on.

You seen

junior singleton?

I heard he was

down at the dock here.

Probably down

at the boathouse dock, red.

Climb on.

I'll give you a ride over.

Oh, I don't want to

cause any inconvenience.

No inconvenience to me,

red.

Yeah, I know.

What's junior singleton doing

down at the boathouse dock?

I don't really know,

but it involves whatever's

left of his helicopter.

Ah, he was asking for trouble,

flying without a license.

Why didn't he ask me?

I never crashed once

in vietnam or korea

or operation desert,

uh, song,

falklands or toledo.

I was a helicopter

traffic reporter.

In toledo?

No, vietnam.

In toledo, I was loni anderson's

private pilot.

But I never,

ever crashed a helicopter.

No, me either.

You don't fly helicopters.

Yeah, me either.

Now, hang on.

I know everything there is

to know about helicopters.

Last time

I was in the andes,

this plane crashed

into a mountain pass.

The only way to rescue

the survivors was by helicopter,

but the big choppers couldn't

hover in the thin mountain air.

So I eliminated everything

but the engine, the throttle,

and gripping tightly

onto the exhaust,

I flew up there,

and I got those people.

Hell, they made a book

and a movie about it.

Oh, yeah,

"the great imposter."

no. No, this was

called "alive."

harrison ford

played my part.

But he was cut

out of the final version.

It's too bad, too.

He gave a very convincing and

a very believable performance.

Oh, so he changed

the character completely.

Well,

this used helicopter

has turned

into a real challenge.

I suggested junior

return it

and at least get some

of his money back.

But he said that his wife

already found out

that he bought it,

so there's really no safe way

out of this at this point.

You know, if people thought

these things through,

maybe we wouldn't have

these kind of problems.

How many times

have I wished

that your parents had thought

things through, harold?

But we make the best of it,

and that's exactly

what junior has done.

He took the motor and the blade

off the helicopter,

and he mounted them sideways

on the boathouse

like a huge nuclear fan.

And then he took what was left

of the helicopter,

added a couple of canoes to it,

and made himself a glider.

Wow, so,

how does this work now?

Like, does the nuclear fan just

kind of blow the glider away?

No, no, buster hadfield

tied a rope to the glider

and anchored it

to the dock.

So junior kind of floats

over the lake just like that.

He can fly in a straight line

for five or six hours

and never be more than 89 feet

from the lodge.

And he doesn't need

a license,

'cause it's not really

an airplane.

It's classified

as a manned kite.

Or maybe a manned

lightning rod -- we'll see.

Whatever it is,

it sounds cool!

Wa-a-a!

I'd love to try that!

You think I could trust you guys

not to cut the rope?

Not a chance.

[ screeching ]

oh, it's meeting time.

I'm gonna go

down to the meeting,

and I'm gonna

get those guys

to swear they're not

gonna cut the rope.

Well, you usually get the guys

to swear, harold,

but it generally lacks focus.

Go give it a try,

and I'll be down in a minute.

Okay. Yeah.

Well, I guess the helicopter

thing wasn't a total disaster.

I mean, junior got

a new toy out of it.

And now we're guaranteed

a breeze on possum lake,

even if it drowns out

all conversation

and shreds the occasional duck.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I hope you notice

what happened here tonight.

Junior went out and spent

a whole lot of money

on a helicopter,

and they're still married.

So surely I should be

able to buy a fishing rod

without calling in a marriage

counselor, wouldn't you think?

And to the rest of you,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching ]

harold: All rise!

All: Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

All right, I know a lot of you

were disappointed

in how the helicopter thing

turned out.

[ indistinct conversations ]

but we can't get away

from the reality

that we have leveled

over 200 acres of bush.