The Auction Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

For something

that neither of us wants

just to prove that we can afford

to waste more money.

It's not smart or correct,

but it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

on today's show,

bill's gonna show you one way

to unroll a pipe down to a lake,

I'm gonna visit

braxton's marina,

where we find glen busy at work,

I'm gonna show you how to make

a neat revolving sign

out of a bed,

and mike's gonna refinish

some furniture for us.

And now here's the man

with the golden farm,

my uncle, red green!

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

As head of the international

possum brotherhood chapter 11,

it's my job to explain things

and to make sense

of what's going on up here,

but sometimes

that's just impossible.

For example, my nephew harold.

[ whirring ]

ow!

Old man sedgwick

had an unusual day.

It was garbage day there,

and he had his garbage out.

He had it separated

into the cans and the paper

and the rubber and the bottles

and the glass

and all the four

major food groups.

And he'd added to that

an old broken-down

two-legged milk stool

he didn't need anymore,

'cause there are no more

two-legged cows.

And the garbagemen

wouldn't take it, right?

'cause, like,

they don't take furniture.

I know that

'cause my parents tried

to throw out my bed

one time.

Let me guess --

while you were still in it?

No.

No, no, it's a really cool bed,

actually.

You know, it's a baby carriage,

and it's made out of plywood,

and it has these baby huey

stickers on it, you know.

But when I turned 14, they

thought it might affect me.

Yeah, no kidding.

Anyway, while old man sedgwick

was bawling out the garbageman,

a couple pulled over in one

of them cars from the city --

tourists, you know.

Oh, no, that's --

oh, old man sedgwick --

he's so rude to tourists.

Well, he figures

they're probably stopping

to ask for directions.

Before they can say anything,

he tells them where to go.

But in this case, they just

wanted to buy his milk stool.

They offered him

50 bucks for it.

$50 for that rotten piece

of little chair?

Oh! Wa-a-a!

He didn't take it, did he?

No, got them up to $75.

That -- that little milk stool,

it's just --

it's rotten,

and it's garbage.

No, it isn't, harold.

The garbagemen wouldn't take it.

[ zip! ]

if you see anything you like

on this show,

make me an offer.

[ triangle and guitar playing ]

♪ oh, it looks like

there's trouble brewing ♪

♪ at campsite number 10 ♪

♪ old man sedgwick

is grilling a fish ♪

♪ and his tent's

on fire again ♪

♪ ha ha ♪

♪ the couple at number 15 ♪

♪ their marriage

has gone kaput ♪

♪ I don't mind the shouting

and swearing ♪

♪ but their trailer

bounced right on my foot ♪

♪ there's gunfire

off in the distance ♪

♪ at campsite number 6 ♪

♪ which proves what we knew

all along ♪

♪ that relatives and hunting

don't mix ♪

♪ so I'm packing up

in the morning ♪

♪ if I stayed,

I'd be a lunatic ♪

♪ 'cause all this shouting,

swearing, and gunfire ♪

♪ has made me unbelievably,

incredibly homesick ♪

[ ducks quacking ]

well, with old man sedgwick

being able to sell that milk

stool for a bucketful of money,

I thought I'd use this week's

"handyman corner"

to show you

how you can make a fortune

from some of them

priceless heirlooms

you got sitting in your credenza

or maybe lying at the bottom

of a nearby ravine.

You'd be amazed at what

you can dig up, literally.

I found this old oil lamp

and, uh, this bear trap

and this old red cart here,

all of which

I'd be willing to part with

if the price was right --

like, say, more than zero.

What I need, though,

is something that's gonna catch

the eye of passing tourists,

something that's subtle

and tasteful

and can be seen

from miles around,

even in the bad weather.

So we're gonna build ourselves

a real fancy

city-style rotating sign

using these window boxes

and this old bed frame.

Now, the first thing

you're gonna need

is some pieces of pipe.

[ door creaks ]

[ metal clatters ]

[ hissing ]

all right, now,

what I've ended up doing

is actually taking these pieces

of pipe right out of the system,

but it doesn't matter.

We got the water turned off

most of the time of the year

around here anyhow.

Unless, uh...

Well, you don't suppose

these are gas pipes?

Hard to tell with our water.

[ hissing continues ]

oh, well.

We'll find out eventually.

All right. Now, what

you want to do is, uh,

drill a hole

in each end of your window box,

and you want to thread the pipe

down through like an axle.

Now, to attach your axle

and make it spin,

you're gonna need

four of them pulleys

with a cable to run around them.

Not as hard to find

as you might think.

[ grunting ]

[ squeaking ]

couple of clothes lines,

and you're there.

All right, now,

you want to attach the pulleys

to your pipes,

and you want to attach the end

of the pipes to the bed frame.

Now, I would recommend

that you weld them on there

for strength and safety.

Of course, the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape,

works good, too.

All right. Now what

you want to do is, uh,

put the bed up on its side...

[ creaking ]

[ grunts ]

...With the pulleys on top.

I forgot to put the pulleys on.

I'll get that later.

You know what else you can do?

Is cut pieces of plywood

or cardboard or what have you

and attach them on

so you close off the open side.

Then you got four different

signs that you can make.

I'm happy enough

with the three-sided version.

I'll tell you what --

the drivers will be so amazed,

they'll veer off into the ditch,

and then you can charge them

for a service call.

All right, let's paint.

Or you can use

a felt-tip marker.

All right,

I got my pulleys attached,

I got my clothesline

threaded all through,

and I got all my signs

painted on.

So now when you want to display

your different signs,

you just pull on the ends

of the clotheslines.

Telling you, it's like

drawing flies to a ship.

[ creaking ]

there's your "oil lamp."

there's your "bear trap."

there's your "red cart."

[ creaking ]

hang on. I'll get it.

I'll get it.

There we go. There we go.

Now, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

And remember

about truth in advertising.

Stay tuned.

Bill's gonna combine plumbing

with finger exercises,

and we got a few more words

from our resident ding-dong.

[ grunts ]

I want to talk to you teenagers

about the way you dress.

Let's make this clear.

Plaid shirts and baggy pants

are not grunge wear.

They're lodge wear.

We've been dressing like this

since the invention of clothes,

and we'll continue

to dress like this

long after you've abandoned it

for some new fashion fad.

And this brings me

to my next point.

You people are supposed to be

rebelling

against our generation,

not copying it.

Go get your own look --

tin-foil underwear or chicken

wire or latex paint or whatever.

I mean, it's embarrassing when

a 40-year-old lodge member

is mistaken

for a 15-year-old girl --

embarrassing and dangerous.

It's also a sad commentary

on what today's 15-year-old

girls are looking like.

So I say

get out of the flannel clothes

and get

into some sharp stuff now

while you still got your youth

and your looks.

There's no point in dressing

like a laundry hamper

until you got the face

and the body to go with it.

I'll tell you,

old man sedgwick getting

75 bucks for that milk stool's

got us all thinking

about how we've undervalued

our possessions.

I think we can sell them.

You're not thinking

of selling that, are you?

What, this? No, no.

I wouldn't part with that,

harold.

Mind you, if somebody

offered me 300 bucks,

I might change my mind.

I figure $850 for this unit,

and, uh, this guy's got to be

worth at least $1,000,

don't you think?

Hey, hey, come on. This is just

crass commercialism!

You ought to be ashamed!

And 5 cents

will take this off my hands.

You can't do that!

You can't turn this place

into an overpriced tourist trap.

That'll ruin one of the main

attractions of possum lake.

Oh, harold,

you're just jealous

'cause you don't have

any worthless junk.

All your stuff

is new and valuable.

I'm telling you, I'm gonna

sell this for 300 bucks.

You shouldn't be

selling it at all.

Yeah, you're right.

Give me $200,

I'll take it off the market.

[ zip! ]

well, probably have

a busy day today.

Here we are

for this week's boating tip

with glen braxton

of braxton's marina.

Thank you, red.

This week's boating tip

will be how to properly remove

an outboard motor from a boat.

So, uh, hop in, red.

All righty.

Where you going?

Well,

two guys in a boat, red,

no life jackets --

I don't think so.

Not with my health.

Okay, now, the first thing

you got to do, red,

is you got to turn off the gas

and unhook the tank.

All right.

There you go.

Okay. Now what you

got to do next, red,

is you got to loosen off

those little clamps there,

but, uh,

don't worry about that,

'cause I already did that

in between dizzy spells.

Oh, you must be

exhausted, glen.

Oh, you got to pace

yourself, red.

That's what I found out

after having a heart attack.

I'll tell you that.

Uh-huh.

Okay. So, now, uh, you know,

haul her up out of there, red.

You're not gonna help me?

With my back?

I don't care what you use.

Quit your whining, red.

One guy can lift

a motor that size.

Well, why does it have to be

this guy?

'cause you're here.

Oh, for pete's sake.

Okay.

Now just be care-- oh.

[ chuckles ]

I told you --

I was watching for that, red.

See, there's a safety chain

on there.

That's so the motor

don't fall in the water.

You've got to watch that, red.

You've got to -- that's it.

Unhook it. Okay.

Okay. Now just lift her up.

[ grunts ]

oh, be careful.

That's big --

be careful, red.

Don't scuff her.

Don't scuff it up.

Okay, that's good.

Quit your whining, red.

Exercise is a good thing,

not a bad thing.

Yeah.

You stand still, I'll drop

this right on your foot.

Oh, no thanks.

I just, uh --

what we got to do,

got to get it up to the --

to my pickup.

What?

Well, yeah, it's my contribution

to the big sale.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Geez, I hope you get lots

of people up here, too.

Lots of people

mean lots of money.

Well, how are we gonna get

lots of people up here?

Advertise, red --

flyers.

And once you get them up here,

better treat them right.

That's the key.

Treat them right, red.

So, get going.

Hurry up. Come on.

Get up there.

That's it. Come on.

[ grunts ]

it's not that heavy, red.

Come on.

It's "male call."

[ bell ringing ]

got a letter here from

kevin from coeur d'alene, idaho,

and kevin is writing from

a correctional facility.

Ah, cool!

Okay, and, uh,

he says, oh,

"I've had to convert

a lot of people

"so that I could watch

your show,

and not an easy feat

for a Friday night."

[ chuckles ]

well, kevin, uh, we appreciate

your enthusiasm,

but let me remind you

that it's very dangerous to be

forcing convicted criminals

to be watching our program,

all right?

Uncle red,

these aren't animals.

These are just people

who have made mistakes

and are paying

their debt to society.

Yes, I know that, harold.

And we don't want

to interfere with that

by putting these guys

into a situation

where violence becomes

the only alternative.

Huh?

You read the letter.

I mean,

our other viewers,

when the show comes on,

they have choices.

They can turn it off.

They can switch the channel.

They can throw their television

set into a ravine

if they care to do so.

These guys are locked in a room

with a tv set

and an armed security guard,

harold.

Think about this show, eh?

We're asking for trouble,

don't you think?

Yeah, but, I mean,

if they like the show,

they can continue watching it,

right?

Well, if they admit that,

it's gonna delay their parole.

Time to interfere

with the laws of nature.

Time for "adventures with bill."

you okay there, bill?

All right, that's the first one.

That would momentum and inertia,

um, equal and opposite

reactions.

Now, one of the laws of nature

is that water

will not go uphill,

and bill wants

to work against that

using some sort of an electrical

pump there and a pressure tank,

and this is the inlet hose.

He has me hook that up there,

and he's gonna take

the other end down to the lake.

Now, apparently here,

if the hose runs over a tree

or over a ridge or something,

the water doesn't run properly,

so you got to keep her smooth

and I guess

get the rocks out of the way.

Maybe be a little more careful

where you put the rocks.

Well, I let go of the hose,

and I helped bill

all the way down to the lake.

Bill: Aah!

Come on, now. Oh, my.

There you go.

You're gonna be

in the lake soon, bill.

There you go.

You're on the right track.

Hold on.

That worked out real well.

The other end's supposed to be

still hooked up to the pump,

so we come back, we redo that,

and I don't use any clamps

or anything.

I use the handyman's

secret weapon on that,

much tighter and waterproof.

And bill's gonna tie

the foot valve on to a big --

bill, you've tied it

to your wrist.

That's gonna keep it

on the bottom.

So, bill's gonna be on the

bottom for a few minutes, but --

so, there we go,

and now we're about rea-- ooh.

[ birds chirping ]

take a little break there

from my work.

And we're all set

to kind of plug her in now,

'cause we got

the outside hooked up,

and I just got to --

once I finish my break,

we'll get right back to working.

All right, thank you, bill.

Change is good as a rest,

I guess.

Now we're going to, uh --

when we plug this thing in,

the pump will start, the water

will come up from the lake,

go through the hose, and up into

that big pressure tank there,

and, uh, it goes

out of the pressure tank

into the garden hose.

Bill's gonna use this to water

the plants and so on

that we may have at some point

around the lodge.

Yeah, bill.

Okay, we understand.

It comes out

the end of the hose.

Oh, man.

All right, we're all set to go.

I just plug her in.

Didn't bother with a switch

or anything.

We're not made of money.

I wouldn't look down there

if I were you, bill.

Water's gonna come up here,

I think. Oh, no. Oh, no.

No.

No, I'm wrong about that.

Bit of a hole

in the pressure tank, I guess.

I wouldn't --

that's hydro there, bill.

Bill?

I -- oh, oh!

What was I thinking?

My golly.

Oh!

Little after-kick

with that stunt.

Now he changed the plan totally

and tried to work with nature

rather than against it.

Not gonna use electricity

or a pump.

We're gonna get water

coming out the hose

using one of the original

forces of power -- gravity.

Don't have to worry about

running no electricity.

Just got to worry

about running out of gas.

Stay tuned.

Mike's gonna show us

a new use for chains,

and dalton donates

a bunch of stuff

that I would call "priceless."

well, we're moving ahead

with the great possum lake sale

of collectibles and other stuff

the garbagemen wouldn't take.

You know,

you never really know people

until you see what

they're willing to sell

and for how much.

And to whom.

They're people from the city,

harold -- people with money,

people who see value

in the things we have up here.

There's basically nothing

but junk up here.

One man's junk is another man's

antique, harold.

And if someone thinks rust

and dust turns trash into cash,

who am I to argue?

These people are a lot smarter

than we are.

So, you mean they have

a lot more money than you do.

Well, that's about to change,

harold.

Yeah.

We sent out 10,000

of these invitations,

and we're about to have

the biggest auction

possum lake has ever seen.

10,000 people

are coming here?

Wa-a-a!

All loaded with disposable

income, harold,

just looking

for that little nicknack

that we probably got propping

open the outhouse door.

If there's 10,000 people

coming here,

the door's gonna be

right off the outhouse.

Ah, harold, it'll be

a one-hour event.

Get them in, get the money,

get them out.

The love of money

is the root of all evil.

The lack of money

is the root of most problems.

How much do you think I'd get

for my baby huey bed?

25 bucks.

Really?

$50 if they don't know

it's yours.

[ zip! ]

we're out here

by the main highway

at humphries everything store

to talk to the man

who knows everything there is

to know about auctions,

dalton humphries.

And dalton has kindly agreed

to donate for the auction

a whole busload

full of his finest wares.

Oh, and a bus.

Oh, yeah, take that, too.

Take it all.

It's yours.

Oh, my gosh.

Well, this will have to be our

featured item at the auction.

It was gonna be moose thompson's

box spring and mattress,

but not now.

Well, you know, I hate to give

away anything for free.

[ laughs ]

no kidding.

And this whole bus

is just chockablock

full of valuable items.

You know,

you might be interested

in bidding on it

yourself, red.

Oh, no thank you,

dalton.

I'm gonna be sitting

at the back of the room,

counting the money.

[ both laugh ]

well, you know,

that old barber chair that I had

that you liked and you wanted to

put it on the roof of your van

'cause you wanted

a flying bridge?

Is that in there?

Oh, no, no, but there's

a whole box of cranks

that go on the side handle

are in there.

You know,

they're -- holy smoke!

What?

Oh, well, there --

see, there --

there's a whole box

full of, uh,

must be nigh onto 50 brand-new

paint-can lids in there

that I wanted

to hold on to

'cause I thought

I might need sometime.

They're right in --

you want them,

take them back?

Would you think less

of me?

No.

I don't think

that'd be possible.

You know, I hope I'm doing

the right thing, red,

giving away

all these cherished items.

Well, if you're worried

about it, dalton,

why don't you do what they do

at the big, fancy auctions?

Huh?

Put a reserve bid

in on this.

So if I don't get

what I think it's worth...

The whole busload

comes back to you.

There you go.

You just tell me the minimum

amount of money

you'd be willing to take to get

all this stuff off your hands.

$5.

Well, we can try it.

[ tires screech ]

this Saturday,

the possum lake nudist club

is holding its dinner dance.

Dress is black tie only.

Music -- oh, music

by buck and the skin tones.

"due to mishaps last year,

"we will not be having the limbo

dance or serving fondue.

And the barbecue grills

will be at chest height."

as you know, we're well into our

dream-home renovation project,

and, uh, now it's time

to start looking at furniture.

And that's where

mike here comes in.

Well, you know, everybody likes

antiques, mr. Green, right?

But to fill a house

full of antiques,

I mean, you need a major

bankroll, right?

Yeah.

Unless you know

where to get stuff cheap,

but, uh, I don't hang out with

those guys anymore, you know?

Oh, I know.

Good for you, mike.

That's a condition

of my parole.

Yeah.

So, uh -- so today we're gonna

be distressing furniture.

All right,

distressing furniture.

This is where you --

you refinish, uh, antiquing

using -- what is it?

Chains,

uh, rocks, hammers.

You know,

abusing this furniture

is gonna make it look older

and more valuable.

Boy, furniture up here at the

lodge must be worth a fortune.

Now, uh,

you take this table here.

You see, if it was new,

it'd probably cost you

about 100 bucks, right?

This looks like

your prison lunch table here.

Well, yes,

it is, actually.

But, you see,

it's already got character

in it already, you see.

It's probably

because of that.

See, you got the scuff marks

on the legs,

and you got your coffee rings

here and there.

There's a nice coffee ring

there.

Oh, yeah.

So, like, uh, people

are gonna be wondering --

you know,

it makes people wonder

who put those marks

on there, right?

Well,

I'm guessing you did.

Possibly.

Possibly.

But, you see, now,

uh, with the character

and age and beauty

that it's already amassed,

it's probably worth about

150 bucks as-is right now.

Wow. You know, and I'll

bet there's some gum

underneath there, too.

Oh, yeah, it's about the size

of a beehive down here. Wow.

Boy, you sure got an eye

for antiques, mr. Green.

Now, we're gonna put some

more history and age into it

to make it

really worth something.

Well, look out now, okay?

Okay.

Boy, this brings back

memories.

Mike! Mike! Mike!

Mike! Mike! Mike!

Mike! Mike!

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Well, it's probably worth about

$250 now, wouldn't you say?

Boy, if he improves it

much more,

I'm not gonna be able

to afford the insurance.

Yeah. Now, one more blow

ought to make it priceless.

Well, uh...

I'm really sorry,

mr. Green.

Oh, yeah.

What would it be worth now,

mike, would you say?

Uh, about 25 bucks

a cord.

So much for auctions.

So, how was the turnout?

I-it looked to be

less than 10,000.

It was --

it was half of 10,000.

Oh, 5,000.

The first half

of 10,000.

10?

Yeah.

Disaster, harold --

disaster.

Ha ha!

First item to come up

was a cast-iron merry-go-round.

Some goof bid

5 cents delivered.

And he lived

in scotland.

I heard junior singleton got

in the spirit of things, though.

He bit $4 on an old, rusty card

table that he donated himself.

[ laughs ]

yeah, that's true.

And buster hadfield

had all those antique plates.

He was hoping to get $5,000

from a collector.

He got a dime

from the skeet-shooting club.

The feature item

sold well, though.

It was a busload of dalton's,

you know, "collectibles."

[ laughs ]

well, the bid

was six bucks, harold,

but the guy withdrew it

when he saw there was a scratch

on the back bumper.

I'll tell you,

people are so cheap.

I think they're just

being careful with

their money, you know --

a lesson you could learn.

Yeah, well,

I'll keep that in mind

on your next payday,

harold.

Well -- well, basically,

then, you did all that work

and you sent all those flyers,

and yet you sold --

ah! -- Nothing.

Well, no,

that's not true.

The guy that bought

the two-legged milk stool

from old man sedgwick --

he brought it with him.

He got up.

He auctioned it off for $150.

You see? These guys

from the city -- they

know what they're doing.

You can't compete

with that.

[ screeching ]

oh, it's meeting time,

uncle red.

Yeah, you go ahead, harold.

I'll be down in a while.

[ screeching continues ]

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I'm bringing

a little treat --

an antique

two-legged milk stool.

It was expensive,

but if people from the city

can have nice things, so can we.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

Until next time,

on behalf of harold and myself

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise! All rise!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Now I must make --

don't look.

I have a presentation for red...

Red: If you'd like to become

a member of possum lodge

and you got three bucks to blow,

you can either mail it to the

address here on the screen

or dial 1-800-ypossum.