Red Green Does New Years/Transcript

Opening Scene
''{Red stands outside the lodge behind a worktable. He is screwing something into something else.}''

RED GREEN: I know we all want to celebrate New Year's, but when you're alone, there's a real danger of going over the line between harmless indiscretion and serious jail time. And that line is usually connected to the amount and frequency of your alcohol intake. 'Cause, see, when you're alone, you don't have an alcohol consumption consultant nearby, like, say, a policeman or a member of the clergy, or the ultimate authority, your own wife. {straightens out a cord} Here's something you can do to stop yourself from drinking too much. {holds up an opened-up clock radio} Open up your clock radio. Break into the snooze control circuit. Not hard to find. {points with index finger} Just keep touching wires and pushing the snooze button. You'll find the right ones in no time.

{Red takes the clock radio and walks over to a soda vending machine.}

RED GREEN: Now, the way a snooze alarm works normally is, {puts clock radio on top of vending machine} you press a button; it shuts the radio off for an hour. {opens up vending machine} But for our purposes, I'm gonna splice into the dispensing circuit on this pop machine...

''{Red tries to disconnect a wire on the circuit the machine. Suddenly, there is a big explosion of sparks from the circuit. Red recoils from the shock and finishes plugging the radio wire into the vending machine circuit.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, uh, you might wanna unplug her first, but I don't have that kind of time. {closes up vending machine} Okay, now what happens is, you take all the pop out of there, replace it with cans of your favorite fermented beverage. All right. Now it's New Year's. You feel like a brewskie? You press a button, which also activates the snooze control.

''{Red pushes a button on the vending machine. A can of beer comes out into the open compartment near the bottom. Red takes it.}''

RED GREEN: And now you can't have another beer for an hour! {looks at can of beer; suddenly looks disappointed} Happy New Year.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

''{The camera pulls back to reveal Winston standing behind the card table where Harold and Dalton Humphrey are seated. Harold applauds. Winston nods and holds up a flyer for some place.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Today's winner will receive a free tuxedo from Featherstone's Funeral Home. {looks at flyer} Tuxedo not available on Saturdays. {puts flyer down and picks up word sign} Okay, Dalton, cover your ears. {Dalton does so} Harold, you have thirty seconds to get Dalton Humphrey to say this word... {turns sign around to show audience; word is...} "Kiss". {puckers lips and makes kissing sound} "Kiss". {sets sign down}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, okay.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And go! {Dalton uncovers his ears}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, alright, Mr. Dalton! Um, this is something that you and your wife share on New Year's.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Cab fare.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, um, okay. It's New Year's Eve and you're dancing and it's midnight, and all you want is a...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...back pill.

HAROLD GREEN: All right, you know what? Let's forget New Year's. {Dalton waves dismissively} Forget New Year's! It's gone! Okay, all right, this morning, when you left the house, um, you gave your wife...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Ohhh! {laughs} Time to cool off! {laughs again}

HAROLD GREEN: {makes circling motion with hand} Further back! Let's go further back, a little further back. Um, okay, okay! When you said your wedding vows, the minister told you to...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...reconsider.

HAROLD GREEN: Reconsider? That's so bizarre.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {looking at his watch} Harold, you're running out of time!

HAROLD GREEN: Okay! All right! Okay, alright, um, Mr. Dalton, let's see... The last time you had a romantic evening with your wife, what did you do?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, I went to that new restaurant in Port Asbestos! {Harold groans} There's twenty bucks I can kiss goodbye.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh!

''{Harold rings the bell on the table to end the game. Winston points at Dalton and gives him the flyer.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, thanks!

New Year's Resolutions: Dwight Cardiff
''{Dwight sits in a reclining chair in a corner of the lodge. He holds a piece of paper.}''

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Red asked me to jot down a few of my New Year's resolutions and share 'em with ya. I'm gonna have to do some of these from memory; I wrote down a couple and I dropped the pen. {clears throat; glances at paper} On a personal side, I'm gonna focus more of my free time on art and literature. So I'm getting a satellite dish and some of those books-on-tape. {glances at paper again} I'm also planning to discontinue the service side of the marina. Dealing with people whose boats aren't working is just not an enjoyable way to make a living. A lot of them expect the boats to be fixed promptly and properly. They don't seem to realize it's my summer, too. So, starting this year, we're gonna specialize in sales only. If you want to buy a boat from me, it's cash up front and no test drives. We also don't honor any more factory warranties. They should build them better in the first place. {glances at paper again} And finally, I'm gonna try and cut down on my work hours. Last year, I tried that forty-hour thing, but that worked out to over three hours a month. {looks at his watch} Oh! It's nap time! {closes eyes and lies back in the chair, rocking}

New Year's Resolutions: Winston Rothschild
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {walking alongside sewage truck} New Year's resolutions? Yeah, I got a few. I've always got a few. {puts a pump extension on truck; picks up shovel} See, my mentor and personal guru, Anthony Anthony, {puts shovel on running board on truck} he's adamant about the importance of self-improvement, and he's made a lot of money making guys like me a better person. {takes out a pink paper and looks at it} Okay, this year, I wanna try and not be so judgmental. {folds up paper} Yeah. You know, sometimes, people are disrespectful of me, and I think it's because {gestures toward truck} they see the septic sucking business I have and the dried sewage encrusted on the hoses, {shrugs} and naturally, they're jealous! {walks back the other way past truck} See, not everyone can be an entrepreneur. Not everyone can be a success. Not everyone can suck cess. And I have to accept that. I have to be sensitive to their pain, in their boring office jobs with no future and not even a whiff of the kinda life I have. {turns off a valve on the truck} So, no matter what they call me, I will not retaliate. I'm gonna rise above it. And that's important, you know, 'cause in the sewage business, you have to be able to rise above it. Happy New Year! {climbs into truck}

Segue: Winston Rothschild 2
{Winston stands in front of his sewage truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: May your septics never cause you a tear.

''{Cut to another shot of Winston, from above, looking down towards him. He holds up his hands.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: May they handle your chili beans, bratwurst and beer.

''{Cut to a shot of Winston standing on one of the runners of his truck. He taps his truck.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: May your tank run on empty throughout the new year.

{Cut to another shot of Winston standing beside a different part of his truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: But if not, my pump and my hose are right here.

{Winston holds up his business card.}

New Year's Resolutions: Ed Frid
{Ed stands in the lodge basement behind a table, with a huge cotton patch over his right eye.}

ED FRID: Well then, I guess the time has come for me to make my New Year's resolution. I've decided to be a lot more specific this year. Usually, I promise myself something like, I'm going to lose weight or start my own business or have a conversation with my parents. But this year, I've decided to {makes pointing motion} zero right in on the problem. {raises his left hand} I solemnly swear {points toward audience} before all of these witnesses that for the next year and possibly longer, I will not eat peanut butter sandwiches. {shakes head} Period! Regardless of the circumstances, even in the case of an emergency. This is because peanut butter has a way of {pointing to his mouth} sticking to the roof of a person's mouth. That can be distracting and can also impede their ability to CALL FOR HELP. When they so desperately need it! {blinks his left eye repeatedly} Now, this may sound like an odd New Year's resolution to you, but you're not an animal control officer, are you? {shakes, then nods his head} No, you can probably spend most of your day sitting at your desk, drinking coffee or doing whatever was necessary to get the peanut butter off of the roof of your mouth! Well, whoopty-freakin'-doo! {nods; points to himself with thumb} I don't have that luxury! I don't work in an office! I work in the woods! I work in the woods with elk! Elk have horns! {gestures his hand at about the level of his eyes} Eye-level horns! {shifts his eye left and right repeatedly; suddenly calmer} So that is why I promise to never eat another peanut butter sandwich again. Ever. {salutes} Happy New Year. {walks to basement stairs and bumps into the railing before climbing}

Buddy System
{Dalton and Mike run down into the basement and walk up close to the camera.}

MIKE HAMAR: Your wife's all ready for New Year's! She's got her new dress, her new hairdo and her new queen-sized control-top pantyhose. {he and Dalton laugh}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Now you're about to break it to her...

MIKE HAMAR: You don't feel like going out this New Year's.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Now, for your own safety, try and let her down easy.

MIKE HAMAR: There's no point in pointing out what a good sport you were by going to all those Christmas parties with her. {shakes head}

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, especially when you got caught lying on the coats in the bedroom, reading fishing magazines.

MIKE HAMAR: It's gonna be pretty difficult to explain to her that you'd rather stay home with your favorite... funny... sports... bloopers videos.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You might wanna do a 180 on that.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, like changing your mind, sucking it up and going to the party after all.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah. Think about it this way: if she's having fun and you're not, you're still having way more fun than you would be if you're having fun and she's not.

MIKE HAMAR: {nods; holds up index finger} And just remember, New Year's Eve is just one cold night in January, but the garage is cold 24/7/365.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Think about it!

MIKE HAMAR: We know you'll do the right thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Or at least the safe thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY, MIKE HAMAR: {waving} Happy New Year!

{They turn and go back upstairs.}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Wanna talk to all you guys who are out celebrating New Year's this year. You know, it's never too soon to start thinking about the midnight kiss. {shakes head} You don't wanna screw it up again, now, do you, okay? There's only one thing to remember, really: kiss your wife first. {nods} Excuses won't work. {shakes head again} Like, "I thought I was kissing you," "I tried to, but somebody else's lips got in the way," or worse still, "Aw, come on, honey, it's New Year's! I'm supposed to be having fun!" Okay, mainly, you gotta be able to find your wife at midnight. That means you really wanna stay sober, okay? If you can't see, you're not gonna be able to find her. And braille is not an option. And when you do find her and you are kissing your own beauty queen, don't try to make eye contact with Miss Congeniality. Having a split focus at that crucial moment can lead to other splits: {rubs hands together} split lips, splitting headache, splitting wife. And don't be using New Year's as a way to hook up with some of your ex-girlfriends. {shakes head} Should old acquaintance be forgot? Absolutely. Especially if she's attractive and she's at the party and she's carrying around a picture of a twelve-year-old boy who looks {points at camera} exactly like you. So just cool it, have a happy new year, and remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
RED GREEN: {walking out from behind the basement stairs, holding a roll of duct tape} This is the repair shop part of our New Year's special we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying". {walks over to a workbench with a deflated pool chair sitting on it and Mike standing behind it} So what do you got for us here, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, this is an inflatable chair, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Oh.

MIKE HAMAR: Ruefully, it has several holes in it, due to an unfortunate misunderstanding.

{Red examines the chair and notices a label on it that reads, "Property of Shady Acres".}

RED GREEN: I notice it's from the Shady Acres rest home.

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, that's correct. I borrowed it from them.

RED GREEN: You tell them you were borrowing it, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: {pauses} I may have. But you know what old folks are like. {smiles}

RED GREEN: And, uh, how come it's got all the holes in it?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, one of the residents had a pellet gun.

RED GREEN: {removing a bit of duct tape from the roll} Well, I can fix the holes with the handyman's secret weapon, but there's no real hurry. It's gonna be several months before you're gonna get this thing into the pool.

MIKE HAMAR: I need it now, right, 'cause I– I wanna make it fly. See, if you can patch up the holes in it and put some kind of a gas in it, then I'll have myself a blimp. You think hydrogen would work?

RED GREEN: {with uncertainty} Yeah, that would be a nonsmoking flight. {removes a strip of duct tape and puts it on a hole} So... where are you planning to go in the chair once you get it flying?

MIKE HAMAR: Around the world.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh, yeah.

MIKE HAMAR: See, I wanna make up for all the New Year's Eves that I've missed out on when I was in the slammer, see?

RED GREEN: Oh...

MIKE HAMAR: Now, the earth has 24 different timezones, and I want to celebrate New Year's in each and every one of them.

RED GREEN: Okay, no, I understand how the chair's gonna get up in the air, but what's gonna make it fly?

MIKE HAMAR: {ecstatic} Nothin'! That's the beauty of a rotating earth! You see, it'll just spin by underneath me, and– and, like, I'll just drop down in every timezone, and I'll have myself a quick beer and kiss somebody's wife!

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, Mike, there's two problems with your plan, okay? It won't work, and you'll die. So forget about the chair. Go up to that airport bar. {gestures thumb behind him} Y'know, by Port Asbestos there? {Mike nods} They got all the clocks from everywhere, all around the world everywhere. Every time one of them hits midnight, have yourself a glass of bubbly.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, okay, that might be kinda fun, but I'd like someone to go along with me.

RED GREEN: Well, take one of the guys from Shady Acres. I mean, I find old people really enjoy celebrating New Year's. They're so shocked that they made it, you know?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I don't know if I want to spend New Year's with a boring old senior citizen.

RED GREEN: Well, take the guy with the pellet gun! Eh? He knows how to party! Huh?

MIKE HAMAR: {ecstatic} That's a great idea!

RED GREEN: All right, yeah!

MIKE HAMAR: You know, the only sad part is that I won't be able to spend any time with all my buddies. They're all still in jail.

RED GREEN: Well, you know, if you're gonna be at a 24-hour bar, and your drinking partner is an armed senior, I think the chances of you and your jail buddies getting back together is real good.

MIKE HAMAR: {excited} Great! {runs up stairs while Red unrolls some more duct tape}