The Ski & Golf Project/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Ski & Golf Project

Intro
{Red stands fishing by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: We're moving towards becoming a non-violent society, and that's a good thing, especially for lawyers, 'cause now we do all our fighting in court. {the title "The Ski & Golf Project" is displayed} Lawsuits are not as immediate or cost-effective as punching your neighbor in the head, but I think it's better to lose money and have to go earn more than to spend the rest of your life with a permanently-bent face. Well, now, we've got so much maturity and non-violence that we've turned into a bunch of guys who will sue anybody about anything. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequence
''{The "The New Red Green Show" title sequence plays. Cut to Red trying to unwind some elastic string from what seems to be his underwear.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Comin' up on today's show, I'm gonna take all the elastic out of my underwear, for no reason, really.

{Cut to Red holding up a hacksaw and using it to saw something between his legs.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Then I gotta do a little bit of... Looks like I'm sawing something there.

''{Cut to Red standing near Glen in a boat on a trailer. Red holds a piece of wood between his legs and uses an old drill to try and drill a hole in it.}''

RED GREEN: Then I'll do a bit of... Actually, how to use your legs as a vice, I think, this week.

{Cut to Red ducking down behind Bill, who is using a very long golf club to swing at a golf ball.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Bill's going for a long drive.

Plot Segment 1
''{The camera pans through the lodge past Harold. The audience applauds.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And now, let's have a big hand for the handiest handyman with the hand-handed hands that you have to hand it to handily, {giggles} my uncle, {points to front door} Red Green!

''{Red enters the lodge, waving. The audience cheers. Harold applauds.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. {gestures toward Harold} How 'bout a big fist for my nephew, Harold?

''{Harold plays his switcher. The screen is temporarily plastered onto a crate, which is then crushed by a giant golf ball.}''

HAROLD GREEN: The camera doesn't stand there and talk.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Big week for Moose Thompson, he finds out today whether or not he's a millionaire. See, last winter, Moose went over to the Possum Precipice Ski Resort and Golf Club. And what happens with that is that in the summer, it's about the hilliest golf course you've ever seen, and during the winter, it's kind of a lame ski resort. Anyway, Moose was over there last February, collecting worms for fishing.

HAROLD GREEN: I never really understood, why was he collecting worms in the winter?

RED GREEN: Ice fishing.

HAROLD GREEN: {stares, then nods} That's our Moose.

RED GREEN: Yeah. So he was leaning down there, you know, digging around for the– for the– for the worms there at the bottom of the giant slalom downhill, which is also a par two during the summer. And a skier comes down and nailed him right in the head.

HAROLD GREEN: {grimaces} Ooh! Lucky it wasn't his foot or something he uses.

RED GREEN: Well, Moose is now suing the owners 'cause he said they should've had a sign there saying don't lean down and stick your head in there, because your ear will freeze in the ice and then a skier will come down and hit you right in the head.

HAROLD GREEN: And he's suing for a million dollars in damages?

RED GREEN: Yeah, he says the collision affected his thinking.

HAROLD GREEN: He proved it?

RED GREEN: {nods} Exactly, and now it's harder to find a girl or be happy or get a decent job.

HAROLD GREEN: How did he figure that?

RED GREEN: Well, apparently, his lawyer is using you as a legal precedent.

{Harold starts to nod, but then becomes nervous as he plays his switcher.}

Segue: Dalton Humphrey
{Dalton sits inside his store.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You are watching The Red Green Show! {laughing} People will buy anything, won't they?

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by tapping on a plastic gas can.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Well, if you ever need to prove you're a man,
 * Here's something you should try.

HAROLD GREEN: Should try!

RED GREEN:
 * See if you can climb up Tucker's Mountain
 * When the sun is hot and high.

HAROLD GREEN: And high!

RED GREEN:
 * It's three hundred feet, and it's all straight up,
 * And it feels like it's gonna collapse.
 * Tucker built the whole mountain himself,
 * And believe me, that's a lot of beer bottle caps.

{Harold repeatedly taps the gas can as if trying to do a solo, but he accidentally drops it.}

RED GREEN: Not the fire. {Harold looks nervous}

Buddy System
{Red and Winston run down into the Lodge basement and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, there are certain things that the woman in your life is gonna ask you, and you're not gonna have time to think of an answer.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And the worst one of these is, "Am I fat?"

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Now, for sure, you're not gonna say yes, eh, unless you got a death wish, eh? {Red nods} But you even gotta say no the right way, or this conversation's going into triple overtime!

RED GREEN: Just say no right away! Just no! Don't think about it, don't pause, just say no! Don't say, "Well... no, not really."

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: But you know something? You dare shouldn't go too far the other way, neither, eh? Like, for instance, you can't go: {scoffs} "Why, you, fat?! Tell me another one! Get serious! What, are you outta your mind? Oh, sure, all your friends are fat, and both your sisters. And your mom. But you?! You're like an underfed chicken, eh? It's scary how skinny you are!" As the great Wilbur Shakespeare once said, "Methinks the lady doth process too much." {Red stares} What?

RED GREEN: Just say no, and then– and then right away, invite her out for dinner, huh? That way, you're gonna look like a hero, and she's obviously thinking about her waist; she's probably not even gonna take you up on it!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's a win-win!

RED GREEN: Yeah! {leans in close to Winston; softly} Am I fat?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, yeah.

Handyman Corner
{Red stands in his workshop in another area of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, with Moose Thompson going after the ski and golf resort, it got me thinking about some way you could be golfing year 'round without having to phone in sick to the office from Florida all winter. 'Course, this would mean, you'd have to be golfing indoors. And for that, of course, you're gonna need a pretty big house. Probably a hundred forty million square feet, {gestures with both arms wide open} maybe go with that– one of them open concept things, and the high ceilings, 'cause you're gonna need some mature trees in there and maybe a bathtub water hazard. A dog leg in at least three of the rooms. {points to camera} I'll tell you what you can do: you can have an indoor driving range. {picks up a golf ball} All's you need is one of these old-fashioned golf balls, the kind that inside is all elastic, {moves hand around ball repeatedly} wound around and around and around and around and around. You gotta unwind all that. I'll tell ya, when I was a teenager, oftentimes, we'd spend an entire summer just unwinding the one golf ball. We made it four miles long. That's the kind of fun with rubber we had when we were kids. Times have changed, haven't they? {sets golf ball on table} All right, so step one is, you gotta get the outer casing off the ball. {goes over to a set of clubs in the corner} Club selection's important. {pulls out an axe} I'll go with my tree wood. {walks back over to golf ball} All right, here we go.

''{Red raises his axe in the air and brings it down on the golf ball. It flies off the table and onto the flies.}''

RED GREEN: Floor! {looks around} Uh, okay. {sets axe down; picks up another golf ball} Plan B.

''{Red picks up a chainsaw and turns it on. He brings it down gently on top of the golf ball, but when it touches the ball, it, too, flies off the table on the floor. Red raises his hand in frustration.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, what am I thinking of? {picks up a third golf ball and a hacksaw} Safety first, huh?

''{Red places the golf ball between his knees and starts sawing feverishly. Wipe to a later scene. Red shakes his hand in pain. His pants have strips of duct tape covering them. He looks at the golf ball in his hand, which had been cut in half.}''

RED GREEN: All right, well, I got it all taken apart here. {puts ball on table} And I got the elastic unwound, but... {holds up elastic, which looks shredded} I may have cut it a little deep, uh, just about everything there, so, uh... {puts shredded elastic aside} Handyman has to be able to adapt, so... {feels around in his pants} Another source of elastic. Y'know, got the elastic in the underwear waistband, y'know? {starts pulling out elastic thread from inside his pants} And I'll just– {starts unwinding elastic from his underwear and putting it on the table} I'll be right with you on this.

''{Red continues to unwind the elastic from his underwear. Wipe to a later scene. Red finishes unwinding the underwear elastic, which ends with a snap.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. Alright, now... {picks up one end of the elastic} take the end of that, {picks up golf ball} and you just attach that to the ball using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Red puts the elastic and the ball between his fingers in one hand and starts feeling around in his pants with the other. Wipe to a later scene. Red holds up a ball, different than the golf ball, attached to the elastic with duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, you would do this, of course, with a golf ball, but, uh, Harold had me use something a little bit bigger, so we got a croquet ball here. Harold says that reads better on television, which is kinda confusing to me. I thought people watched television so they didn't have to read. {picks up tee} Then the other end of the elastic you would attach to a normal golf tee here, and... Gosh, I would put a real good knot on that, if I were you. You don't have to use a tee, in fact. You could use a candle or a beer bottle. But with my medical insurance, I thought I'd go with a tee. {gets down on hands and knees beside a cribbage board on floor} And you can set the whole unit up here on a... on a cribbage board, {puts tee in hole in board} and that way, you put the tee into the cribbage board, and you don't actually have to drill a hole in the floor of your family room. {puts duct tape-covered ball on tee} Although I'm not sure they'd enjoy stuff like that. {gets up} All right, and when you pick your area, {pulls out a golf club from golf bag} try to make sure that it's, uh, you know, away from some furniture that you have some value in. The china cabinets or a chandelier, that type of thing. {gestures off-screen} And the target now should be somewhere out there. Maybe one of them big double sliding doors. Get them opened up, or at least hit it into a room you don't care about. {prepares to hit the duct tape-covered ball with club} Remember... keep your head still.

''{Red swings the club at the ball and hits it. The ball flies off-screen. The elastic unravels and stretches out as far as possible. The ball crashes into something and the elastic creaks.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, boy! That was a beauty! Felt good. I got that one. And the beauty of this system is, the elastic will bring the ball right back to ya.

''{Suddenly, Red ducks down as the elastic snaps back toward him. The ball flies over his head. It ricochets against various objects behind him. Red sits up.}''

RED GREEN: And, uh, you get a chance to rest between shots. {nods; holds up index finger} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{Red gets back to his feet. The ball comes flying back at him. It hits him on the back. He leans and stumbles forward slightly in pain and looks over his shoulder with frustration at the ball.}''

Commercial bumper
{Glen stands in a boat, handing Red a long piece of wood.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned. Glen's gonna stand there; I'm gonna do stuff.

{Cut to Harold in the lodge, making crazy dancing motions with his body.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Harold's hearing voices again, except for mine.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Want to talk to all you middle-aged guys out there, 'cause I know what you're going through. I know what it's like to wake up two hours before your body does. Or to watch a full head of old hair swirl down the shower drain, while a bushel of new hair spreads out of your nose and your ears. And at our age, you never know if the call of nature is gonna be a shout, a whine or a whisper. Y'know, going to a washroom is like going to a fireworks display: you stand there waiting for an hour and a half waiting for something to start. And then, once she gets going, there's a lot of oohs and aahs. But you're never really completely sure of when it's over. And having a big hearty meal with spicy food is either gonna be a suicide attempt or a murder suicide, depending on whether or not you're alone in the car. But, that's all just part of getting older. I think it was Oscar Wilde who said, "Youth is wasted on the young." Well, I'll tell ya, pretty much everything is wasted on me. But I'm gonna be hanging in there. I don't like getting old, but it's a lot better than the alternative. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the lodge while Harold tunes his switcher.}

RED GREEN: Well... {throws up his arms} Moose Thompson won the settlement! {drops arms} And now he's the richest guy in the area, at least on paper.

HAROLD GREEN: {ecstatic} Oh, he's a millionaire?! Oh, this is great! You think he'd like to finance my first feature film? "Bikini Madness"! {makes surfing motions with his body and hums surf music}

RED GREEN: {suddenly sober} Calm down, Fellini. {back to camera} The judge awarded Moose 72 dollars, plus an additional thousand dollars in salary, but that went to Moose's parents. Now, unfortunately, the Possum Precipice Ski and Golf Club couldn't pay up, so they had to declare bankruptcy, and now Moose gets all their ski equipment and all their golf equipment. So he's got himself {points to fingers on his hand with other index finger} a chairlift, a ski jump, an electric golf cart that doubles as a snow-making machine, a combination lawnmower and snowplow, eighty pounds of ski wax, and a ball washer.

Segue: Winston Rothschild
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Winston Rothschild here from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Remember... {holds up his business card on which the slogan and the phone number are displayed} "We'll take that smell off your hands!"