Floating Church/Transcript

The complete transcript for Floating Church

Opening Words
''{Text appears on screen: "Women enjoy church. Men enjoy Sundays." The sound of a fishing reel unwinding and hitting water is heard, followed by the reel being pulled in, while a man is heard yawning.}''

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, plants shrivel up when you walk in the room.
 * People pull back when you're near.
 * Animals reel, fall down and go boom,
 * And the reason is perfectly clear.
 * You got halitosis.
 * It's not osmosis.
 * It ain't no bed of roses,
 * It's halitosis.
 * Eyes will water, friends will fall.
 * Halitosis is worse than having no breath at all.

Red's Handyman Tips
''{Red holds up a hammer. Several records are stacked on the worktable in front of him.}''

RED GREEN:' You know, there are so many uses for the common everyday hammer, you have to list them alphabetically.

{He holds the records and smashes them, one at a time, with his hammer, while saying...}

RED GREEN: "A" for "ABBA", "B" for "Bee Gees", "C" for "Captain and Tenille"...

Plot Segment 6
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

And whistling)

thank you very much.

Thank you, uh...

Had a bit of a close call

but we're okey-dokey now.

Stinky peterson and I

were just out fishing, there,

where the possum lodge

sewer outlet comes down.

Both of us looked away

at exactly the same moment

and eight million gallons

of whatever come down there

and knocked us out of the boat

into the lake.

We're ok now.

Wow! Were you killed?

(audience laughing)

do I look like I was killed?

Yeah.

I bet you were scared.

You must have screamed, like...

Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhh!

Did you scream like "ohhhh"?

Then you get water

and you go "ahhhh!"

did your life flash

before your eyes?

It is now!

(audience laughing)

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): I'm gonna make

a lifejacket out of jelly.

And ranger gord gets

some special badges.

Dalton looks for the missing

word around here: "job".

And harold tries...

Well, I guess that's rap.

There, that's better.

You must have been scared

when you saw that water

coming at you.

I screamed to stinky.

I said, "if god gets us

out of this one,

"I'll never miss church again."

this hand lifted me up

and I saw a tunnel

with a light at the end.

I was moving towards the light.

Wow! Uncle red, you had

an outer-body

near-death experience!

Yes! Oh, yes, yes!

I heard about these on jojo's

psychic alliance hotline.

Yeah! Oh!

You felt the hand of god.

You saw the gateway

to the afterlife.

I felt moose thompson's hand.

I saw possum lodge's sewer.

I walked out --

I'm fine, harold.

I can't wait to see you

at church.

What are you talking about?

You said if god saved you,

you'd go to church.

God didn't save me --

moose did.

Come on,

uncle red.

Moose was merely

god's tool.

Moose is everybody's tool,

harold.

No, no, no,

no, no, no.

You gotta go

to church.

You gotta go

to church.

If you don't,

you'll turn

into a pillar

of salt or something.

Harold, you do go to church.

Look what you turned into.

I'll take my chances.

(applause)

(red): Got a treat for you.

Away you go, bill, up and over.

Ohhhhh... Man!

Ow! Ow!

Later, we'll have

martial arts from bill,

but first,

there's a little teaser,

a little demonstration.

He's gonna do

a little forehead "fu", here,

I believe this is called.

It's kind of

lumber against lumber.

Unfortunately, bill's got

the soft wood.

Welcome to the expert portion.

This week, we have two experts,

one being uncle red

and his friend,

mr. Dalton humphrey.

(applause)

this week's letter

goes as follows:

"dear experts" -- wahhh! --

"my wife and I are going

through a divorce...

"from each other.

"how can we divide stuff

"when we only have

one good piece of furniture?"

well, the phrase "chainsaw"

comes to mind.

You know, that's

a tough problem.

I know, 'cause

about three weeks ago,

my wife and I decided

to divorce.

What?! You and anne-marie

are getting divorced, are you?

She wanted to wait

till our daughter was 20,

and that happened last month,

so after, uh...

After 14 years of marriage,

she moved out.

(audience laughing)

walked right out.

Sorry to hear that,

mr. Humphrey.

Don't worry

about it.

That is her loss.

You'll find out that you're

gonna be the lucky one now.

I'll tell you something.

Most folks around here

never liked her.

(audience laughing)

you'd hear 'em saying,

"boy, how did he end up

with that one?"

"he'd be better off

without her.

"she's holding him back."

so don't you worry.

I had no idea

that folks felt that way.

They just couldn't stand

the sight of her.

When they find out

this thing has gone kaput,

there's gonna be

a big celebration.

I wonder how they'll feel

when they find out

that she's come back

after a week

and we reconciled,

decided we loved each other.

(audience laughing)

(applause)

well...

(clearing throat)

just off the top

of my head, I...

I would imagine

they'd be somewhat embarrassed

about some of the things

they'd said

and I would-- I would--

I would expect

that they would owe you

a fairly good-sized apology.

Who was it

was saying that stuff?

Uh, well, to be honest

with you,

it was mainly harold.

(laughing and applause)

when that water knocked me

out of the boat, I realized

that "life preserver"

is just a name,

rather than a description

of what something does,

especially if you leave these

in the weather for 20 years,

or use 'em as boat fenders.

(glass

breaking)

I'll show you

how to make yourself unsinkable

because boys will be boys

but that doesn't make them

buoy-- buoy--

boy, the things that...

That was so smart

when I thought of it.

What I got here is

a bowl of jelly

and a pail of water.

What am I gonna do with these?

Remember, this is

a family show.

All right, I'm gonna take

the jelly, ok?

Thought there was

a spoon around here.

Oh, well, never mind.

Oh, boy,

that brings back memories.

That was the worst summer job

I ever had.

I'll drop this into the water.

Watch what happens.

The jelly floats,

like the way fat people float.

Moose thompson floats so high,

he could get registered

as a cruise ship.

The point is, if you pack

yourself full of enough jelly,

you'll be a floater.

First, get into

one of these drysuits.

These things keep out

all water and moisture.

They also keep it in,

so drop in at the john

before you hop into this unit.

(rubber squeaking)

(panting)

wasn't too bad.

All right, all you gotta do is

put the man-sized wetsuit

over top.

(gasping)

oh, good.

(grunting)

(glass

breaking)

all right, forget the wetsuit.

I got a better idea.

A rainsuit is water-tight.

All you do is seal

the seams with duct tape,

the cuffs and so on,

and you're as good

as making it happen.

Now comes the fun part.

You want to get yourself

a whole whack of jelly powder.

Figure on one cup of powder for

every 10 pounds of body weight.

You want to pull the rainsuit

away from the drysuit

and then pour the powder

in between.

Try to pick a flavour of jelly

that matches your skin colour,

'cause there may be

some leakage here.

(coughing)

maybe I should have put that

in there

with an insulation blower,

but we're on a budget.

All's you do is add the water.

This is pretty

self-explanatory,

although it's hard to explain

to people passing by.

All right, all's you gotta do

is mix the water

with the jelly powder.

(water gurgling)

(rubber squeaking)

there you go.

You're set --

you're unsinkable.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

They'll find me fishing.

(jelly squeaking)

(laughing)

do I look sober?

You can tell a lot about people

from how they react to worms.

We're set to go fishing Sunday.

I got

great news--

no, no time for that.

Stick your hand out --

those are for you.

You save money

when you buy worms in bulk.

(screaming)

(shrieking)

all right, all right,

all right, all right.

Suit yourself --

I'll take 'em.

You can't go fishing Sunday --

you'll be in church.

Sorry, harold, but come Sunday,

you'll find me out on the lake.

That's part

of my exciting news.

We're having our first floating

church service this Sunday.

We're gonna meet,

tie the boats together,

and have a service

in the middle of the lake.

I wouldn't mind sitting

in a pew

if it had a 200-horsepower

outboard on the back.

So I will see you

in church on Sunday.

I won't need these, then.

Oh, no!

Don't give-- ahhh! Ahhh!

For those of you looking

for somebody

on the cutting edge of safety,

look no further

than buzz sherwood.

Hey, chubby red guy.

And harold!

All right, let's talk safety.

Let's talk to the guys

that think they're wimping out

when they're saying

they're hurt.

It's ok to say uncle.

My aunt taught me that.

It takes a big man

to admit he needs help.

Take me, for example.

We're out on the water,

horsing around.

I've hurt myself --

I need to go to the hospital.

I'm not too proud to admit it.

My gosh! What were you doing?

We were trying

this new thing out.

We call it white-water

para-air-skiing.

Wow! Sounds dangerous, buzz.

We're starting

to think so, too.

You strap on a pair of skis

behind the plane.

Tows you out on the lake

and up 5,000 feet.

You pull this release

and you drop,

but not before you pull

your para-sail out,

and you glide around the lake

for a while

and then you release that

at 100 feet

and you fall

into mercury creek rapids.

I can't believe a person

could get hurt doing that.

Oh, go figure, huh?

I think it's when I banked

off the beaver dam.

That might have done it.

Starting to black out.

I need some x-rays,

so safety first.

Wait, wait, wait.

That might be part

of your problem.

Oh!

Oh, yeah!

You all right?

Red, I'm cured!

Hey, bill,

I'm gonna go again!

Safety first!

Yahoo!

Ok, this is the big one,

for the grand cash prize of...

... About 45 cents or so.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to make mr. Humphrey say

this word.

Go!

All right, this is something

that your daughter

does not have.

A clue?

Something she doesn't have.

Just think about it.

A life?

Money

of her own?

Ambition?

Decent friends,

a car?

I'm not gonna buy a car

for her!

How about some self-esteem?

How about the desire

to get off that couch?

How about a decent husband

instead of that neanderthal

she's dating?

How about one clue

about what to do

with the rest of her life?

How about a job?

There you go! Congratulations!

(applause and cheering)

here's the money.

(applause)

This floating church service

got everybody all excited.

Stinky peterson wants

to stick a canoe up

so we got a steeple thing

pointing out of the lake.

Junior singleton said

if we pour gasoline over all

the thing, you get the colours

like a stained glass...

Lake, really.

Who's the minister

at this widing,

harold?

The reverend garth --

very, very progressive.

The guy with three ex-wives

and the live-in girlfriend?

He's keeping up with the times.

He introduced all the new types

of music into the hymn sings.

Yeah, there's folk music he did

and heavy metal.

Remember the rap version

of "amazing grace"?

(making boombox sounds)

♪ amazing grace,

how sweet thou art ♪

♪ that s-s-s-saved

a wretch like me ♪

♪ yo, mama! ♪

(applause)

(cheering and whistling)

you like rap, harold?

Oh, yeah.

Stick your knuckles out.

Hey!

Oh, hey, man, safety first!

I'm buzz sherwood,

and if you fly your plane,

don't go chasing birds, ok?

You might think it's fun,

but it's dangerous!

Besides, if you hit one,

there's only enough

for, like, one serving.

(red): Back at the martial arts

demonstration,

bill's gonna try

a running attack

on the.. That's the rope.

It's all right, you're fine.

The running attack

on the board.

Kind of did the up-and-over

thing and-- oh, boy!

Oh, my gosh! Hey! Hey!

Well, he split the board.

He split the board,

which was real convenient

for what we had planned next.

Rest in peace, bill.

Of course, he's fine.

Ok, we got a karate thing

going on here, harold?

Karate -- that's... Oh...

What? Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my.

Ohhh!

All right, this is, uh...

My apologies

to sumo wrestlers everywhere.

Holy mackerel.

Oh, man! Is that

a tractor tire?

When I started doing

this programme, I really...

What I had in mind was

an outdoorsy kind of...

Something you could be proud of

when you want

to give people...

Oh, man.

Give people hints and tips

on how to do things

and how to be smarter

with their fellow man,

and then sometimes you...

You see the results

and you just-- oh!

This is not what I had in mind

when I was... Yeah, fine.

You're not gonna see that

on the educational channel --

what do you--

oh, oh, oh, oh!

All right, bill, I guess...

I guess we've seen

the last of bill, and...

Ok, harold, harold, harold,

you win.

(ringing

bell)

saved by the bell, there, bill.

It doesn't get any better.

Ranger gord gets

a bunch of medals.

Our church service is turning

into a big attraction.

Guess who's coming.

Who has made more north

american men turn to religion

than anybody else?

Lorena bobbitt?

(audience laughing)

harold, for gosh sakes!

The guy at the sporting events!

The guy that holds up

the sign, says "john 11:13".

The sign guy's coming?

Will he have

a striped wig and everything?

This is gonna be

the biggest thing

that ever hit possum lake --

wait till the fireworks.

Noah's ark, all done

in pinwheels.

Whoa, whoa,

uncle red.

You guys are

missing the point.

Religion's not about

putting on a show.

That's why they get

the lousy turn-out, harold.

You add a couple of miracles

and a little pizzazz,

you can turn a money-losing

venture into a cash cow

with international

franchise potential!

Is this you speaking

in tongues, uncle red?

I got religion, harold.

Oh, heaven, help us.

Red green!

(laughing)

and harold!

Guess what.

I got a big promotion.

Promotion, gord?

Yes, sir.

After 16 years of being

a forest ranger grade 3,

I'm now being promoted

to forest ranger grade 2.

Well, congratulations

to you, gord!

Thanks very much.

You sure paid your dues.

Sixteen years up here,

all alone.

Where will you be working now?

Here.

Oh, but I guess you're getting

a big raise in pay.

I haven't had a paycheque

in over 10 years.

Anyway, the thing is,

I get to decorate my uniform

with these medals.

The forestry department

must have dropped them off.

I found them

in a pile over there.

Uh, those are

beer bottle caps, gord.

(laughing)

red, everybody knows

you're not allowed

to drink beer in the forest.

Oh, yeah, what was I thinking?

I don't know.

Now, this one says "bud".

That's for

"buddy of the forest".

Oh, for gosh sakes.

This one says "50".

That's for "50 years--"

oh... Oh...

"50 months of service".

Ok, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I get four of these.

All right!

Two, three, four.

This one says "lager".

Yeah.

That's for my work protecting

the forest against loggers.

That will be it.

Thought "logger" was spelled

with an "o".

Doesn't matter.

Can you stick around

for the presentation ceremony?

We wouldn't miss it

for the world!

Okey-dokey.

Ranger...

Quk March!

(mimicking drum sounds)

ranger... Small jump!

Forward... March!

(mimicking drum sounds)

ranger...

Big jump!

Quick... March!

(mimicking drum sounds)

ranger gord, for service above

and beyond the call of duty...

And nature...

And certainly sanity...

Congratulations to you, sir.

(whispering): Thank you.

Left... Turn!

Quick... March!

(mimicking drum sounds)

I think I deserve a medal

for keeping a straight face.

It's "male call"!

Oh, harold.

(applause)

ow.

Here's our letter this week,

from larry in michigan,

and larry writes:

"dear red, does everyone

in canada speak french?"

well, uh, yeah, a little,

you know,

or as the french would say,

un "poo".

(audience laughing)

we all try to speak

a little french.

Try to keep

the country together.

So far, it's not going

all that well.

(audience laughing)

I wonder why.

(speaking french badly):

Oui, ce est un gros dommage,

un et un mysterio

pour "moo-ah".

N'est-ce pas-que?

Yeah.

(audience laughing)

we had a little rehearsal

for our church service.

Didn't go just exactly

as planned, you know.

It was

a judgment!

It was an accident, harold.

A lightning bolt

on a clear day?

I take that as a warning.

It wasn't a lightning bolt.

It was too many boats

too close together

with too few bilge pumps

and too many leaky gas lines.

But the candles --

that was stupid.

That was stupid.

We did have a miracle.

Nobody was killed.

And the explosion

parted possum lake...

Just for a second.

I caught a glimpse

of your snowmobile.

(possum squeal)

meeting time.

You go ahead, harold.

I'll be down in a minute.

It's over there, harold.

If my wife is watching,

I've gained a new respect

for religion.

I was hoping you could join me.

We'd go to church

and renew our vows,

and go to the motel,

renew our honeymoon,

providing I can renew

my medical insurance.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and the reverend harold

and the whole gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(cheering and whistling)

(possum squeal)

(harold): All rise, all rise!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

Stinky peterson

will be having

a family reunion

again.

(audience

groaning)

he said, "don't worry,

you'll know where."

closed captions

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Boy, this is too much!