Damn You Emu

Dalton has started a business raising emus and he persuades Red to help him.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Ranger Gord's Educational Films, Red's Handyman Tips, Meet Your Member

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 3; The Red Green Show – 2000 Season

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: Those of us who are lucky enough, honestly, to work on "The Red Green Show" manage to combine, I think, three things, three entertainment bits all in one. We're doing a television show, there's a bit of stand-up comedy to it, and it's also live theater. And all of those are happening simultaneously because we do them all in front of a live audience. And whenever those things all combine and kind of work, it's fun for everybody. And I think, in this show, if you look in the last scene, the closing, not the last scene of the show, but the closing scene where we're in the lobby and everything, and all those emus are at the window, you have to imagine all of our stagehand assistants here behind that window with at least one if not two emus on a stick in their hand, pecking the beaks against the window and then turning and facing Ranger Gord's tower and then eventually exiting. I mean, it may look funny the way we shot it, but it would've been way better if we had a camera back there with all these guys walking along. That's just, uh, part of the job experience right here at "The Red Green Show".

Transcript
''{Red stands on the roof of a house at night. This house has a metal chimney sticking out of the roof.}''

RED GREEN: You may not realize it, but if you have indoor plumbing, you got one of these breather pipes somewhere on your roof. It lets the air into the system, which allows the waste water to escape down the drain, but it also allows the sewer gases to escape up into the atmosphere, which pollutes our air, kills the surrounding trees, and disorients passing birds. The solution here is pretty simple, because, fortunately, these gases are flammable. So all it takes is a flick of your BIC to turn an environmental hazard into an Olympic torch, blazing forth in the night to remind us of what has gone before. And what better tribute to the continuum of the human spirit than an elevated stack of flaming methane?

''{Red takes out a lighter and holds it out over the breather. He lights the lighter. A fire spews from the top of the breather. Red makes a saluting motion.}''

Intro
{Red enters the Lodge and waves to the audience, who cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Kind of an odd situation up at the Lodge this week. There's a great big chicken on the loose up here. It stands about four feet tall and, man, very, very vicious. I'll tell ya, if Colonel Sanders had ever tangled with this baby, he'd be the one who'd end up finger-lickin' good.

{Dalton enters the Lodge.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {eagerly} Red, I got someone real special outside I want to introduce you to.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, I've met Anne-Marie a hundred times.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {shaking his head} Not Anne-Marie, she wouldn't come down to the Lodge. I'm talkin' about my emu!

RED GREEN: {shocked} Is that what that big chicken is, it's yours?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {annoyed} It's an emu, Red, and it ain't no chicken.

{An emu appears in the window, squawking.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {to emu} Okay, we'll be right there!

RED GREEN: I'm not going anywhere near that thing, Dalton. Now, what did you get an emu for, anyway?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Because I'm getting into the emu business, okay? Right now, I've just got one, but I'm gonna mate her right away.

RED GREEN: You know, you might wanna get another emu to do that for ya?

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, Red, I was kinda hoping we could work together on this, y'know? If you got a male, then we could be partners, and then we could split the chicks and then split the money, huh? You'd be making money within three months.

RED GREEN: Really?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, oh, yeah. {sotto} Apparently, they mate very, very quickly. {chuckles}

RED GREEN: I never realized that was a good thing... I tell you what, I'll try it once, okay, but if it doesn't work out, I'm selling my emu to the circus or something.

{At the window, the emu squawks and pecks its beak against the window.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {to Red} Thank you, Red. {to emu} Okay, I'll be right– {back to Red} I've gotta go right now, okay?

RED GREEN: All right.

{Dalton runs to the door, but then stops and looks at Red.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, listen, I gotta come up with a name for her. You got any suggestions?

RED GREEN: {looking at emu} Looks a bit like an Anne-Marie to me.

''{Dalton smiles and goes out the door. The emu leaves the window. The sounds of the emu squawking and Dalton yelling are heard. Red shakes his head.}''

The Possum Lodge Word Game
MIKE HAMAR: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

{The camera pulls back to reveal Mike standing behind the card table where Red and Edgar are seated.}

MIKE HAMAR: {holding up a gift certificate} Today's winner will receive this gift certificate to Big Al's Podiatry Clinic. This week, uh, get one bunion removed at the regular price and get the second one... {looks at other side of certificate; uncertain} half off... Um, okay, Edgar, uh, you gotta cover your ears, okay?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, I'll have a tall one, with ice.

''{Mike and Red look confused. Then Mike shrugs.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, uh, Mr. Green, you got thirty seconds to get Edgar to say this word: {holds up sign displaying the word} "Fuse"! "Fuse".

RED GREEN: All right, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: {putting sign on table} And go!

RED GREEN: All right, Edgar, what do you call the thing that catches on fire just before the dynamite explodes?

EDGAR MONTROSE: My truck!

RED GREEN: Okay, you can always tell when somebody has a quick temper, because they have a very short...

EDGAR MONTROSE: ...brother?

RED GREEN: No, Edgar... Okay, candles have wicks, right? But with dynamite, it's different.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, yeah, with dynamite, you don't have to cut the birthday cake after.

MIKE HAMAR: You're almost out of time, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay, Mike. Edgar, if I was gonna light a stick of dynamite, what would I be looking for?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Your running shoes.

RED GREEN: Okay, let's try a scientific thing. If you forcibly join two things together, that's called...

EDGAR MONTROSE: ...a shotgun wedding! {laughs silently; Red is perplexed} Well, it's kinda like an offer you can't refuse!

RED GREEN: There we go! {rings bell to end game as Mike gives Edgar the certificate}

Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services
''{Winston runs out of an apartment in a city. He wears sunglasses and holds a cell phone and a briefcase.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {speaking into cell phone} I'm on my way.

''{Winston runs off. A red car, driven by a woman, pulls up to the curb. The woman also wears sunglasses. Winston gets in.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} A lot of people walk out of their house each and every morning with no real direction. They get up, get ready and go to work without ever really knowing why.

{The woman drives the car off.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} It's just something they think they're supposed to do.

{Cut to Winston and the woman walking along a crowded city sidewalk.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} So, like sheep, they do it without questioning the reason. It's an aimless pursuit of nothing...

{Winston and the woman walk through the revolving doors of an office building.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} ...a robotic existence that does little more than put food on the table. That's where I'm different.

''{Winston and the woman get onto an elevator. The woman pushes a button to go to a floor. They are standing with a bunch of other people in the elevator. The elevator doors close.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} Every morning, I wake up with purpose. I know where I'm going when I get there. And I know...

{On the elevator, Winston and the woman glance at each other and nod.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} ...that as an individual, I can make a difference.

{Cut to Winston and the woman walking through a typical office full of cubicles.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} When you call me, you know you're getting a man who knows his business as well as he knows yours.

''{Winston and the woman walk into a hallway and stop. Winston holds up his briefcase. The woman opens it. Inside are the individual pieces of a toilet plunger.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} Quality workmanship. It's what I do.

{Winston takes out the pieces and puts them together.}

ANNOUNCER: Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

{Winston now stands inside a bathroom in the office.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: When doody calls.

''{Winston walks into a stall. The toilet inside is heard flushing.}''

Handyman Corner
''{Red walks around a car sitting outside the Lodge. He wears a coat and holds a brush.}''

RED GREEN: Well, winter's coming. Days are getting colder, nights are getting longer. {holds up brush} Gotta get one of these units out, 'cause we got a whole season of scrapin' ice and snow off your car. You think to yourself, is this the way rich people live? Well, no, sir, they don't. They have one of those fancy remote car starter units where they can start the car from inside their house. They don't even go near until she's all warmed up and all the ice and snow has melted right off her. Well, why can't you have something like that, huh? Do you have to be rich or know somebody? Well, no, you don't have to be rich, and you do know somebody: me!

''{Red throws the brush aside and walks into a shed near the Lodge, its door open. Inside the shed is a chair. On it are some extension cords, a drill and a tire iron. Leaning against the chair is a broom.}''

RED GREEN: All you need is an electric drill, a tire iron and a broom. {picks up everything off the chair} I'm gonna show you how it all works, but I'm sure you've already figured it out.

''{Red walks out of the shed, holding all of the items. Wipe to a later scene. Red is inside the car. The drill is mounted on the door. One end of the tire iron is jammed into the open hole of the drill. The other end is duct-taped to the ignition key area. The broom is also duct-taped to the back of the iron and placed against the gas pedal.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I got one end of the tire iron tightened into the chuck of my drill. And then I got the whole unit duct-taped to the ignition key here. Then what I do is I duct-tape the broom onto the tire iron itself. I got the butt end of the broom resting on the gas pedal. So I can now start the car from inside my home with the butt end of myself resting on the recliner.

''{Red gets out of the car, closing the door as he goes. He goes over to the shed, dragging the extension cord along with him. He sits down in the chair and plugs in the plug for the drill. Inside the car, the tire iron twists with the drill and the broom pushes down. The gas pumps and engine turns over several times, but the car does not start. Frustrated, Red unplugs the plug and then re-plugs it, trying vainly to start the car. Still, it won't work. Finally, Red unplugs the plugs and goes over to the car to investigate. Wipe to a later scene. Red stands over the now-open hood of the car. He looks inside.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, we've run into a bit of a snag here. The choke stick's on this car. {looks at butterfly valve in the car engine} I need some way of opening up this butterfly valve on the carburetor or this unit will never start. I hope you young people are noticing out there that I'm not gonna quit on something just because it got difficult. You'll learn that as you get older. As soon as you quit on what you've set out to accomplish, your wife will come up with a hundred other ways to wreck your weekend. {looks at chain hanging under hood and hooks it onto the valve} So instead, I'm running this little chain down from the inside of the hood, I'm gonna hook that onto the butterfly valve, and that way, as soon as the hood opens, that'll unstick my choke. How am I gonna open the hood? {closes hood, which has a rope tied to the hood ornament on the front} Can you say, "garage door opener"? See what happens when you doubt a person?

''{Red turns and leaves the car, but then stops and goes back to it. He reaches into the grill and unlatches the hood. He looks to the camera and taps his head with his finger. He then leaves again. He goes back to the shed and sits down once again.}''

RED GREEN: All right, uh, step one: we want to pump the gas a couple times.

''{Red plugs in the cords. The car's gas pumps and the engine turns over a few times like before. Red then unplugs the plugs. Red then picks up a garage door opener.}''

RED GREEN: Step two: unstick the choke.

{Red pushes a button on the starter, and the hood of the car opens up, unsticking the choke in the engine.}

RED GREEN: And step three, the easiest one of all: start the car.

''{Red plugs in the cords again. The gas pumps a few more times. The car finally starts. Red gives a thumbs-up and unplugs the cord again. Suddenly, the drill twists down and the tire iron pushes down on the broom, which, in turn, pushes down on the gas pedal hard. The car, with the hood still open, takes off, driver-less, down the road, dragging the drill's cord behind it. Red chases after it a short distance, then stops. He turns and walks away.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: You know, guys don't like to ask anybody for help. Women think it's because it makes us look weak, but that's not it. No, guys hate asking friends for help on a project because it means selling yourself into slavery. It's called payback work. If I ask a friend to help me do something smart, like build a winterized garage for my snowmobile, then I'd have go help him do something stupid, like pour a cement pad for his rocket launcher. And why would I want to do that? If I've already finished my project, I don't want to do any more work. But that payback work thing is nagging away in the back of your mind. Just like that relative living in the guest room. No matter what you say or what you do, it will not leave. So you want my advice? You need something that needs to be fixed, hire a professional. If it's not bad enough to need a professional, fix it yourself and it will be. But believe me, you're better paying in cash once than paying in payback work the rest of your life. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, it's been three weeks since Dalton and I got our emus. I don't know if they've mated yet or not, but judging by the way they're fighting with each other all the time, I would say yes. {looks perplexed}

{Red suddenly looks over his shoulder to hear the sounds of Dalton shouting, the emus squawking and the door opening.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, no! Ow! Get out! {backs through the door into the Lodge, the emus pecking at him} Back off! Back off! Back! Go on, back! Back! Back! {forcing the door shut} Back, back, go on, you, back!

''{Dalton finally pushes the door shut, breathing hard. The emus peck against the door and then go around to the window. Dalton smiles and gives Red a thumbs-up.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little henpecked, are you, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {waves dismissively} No, no, I'm fine. No, no. {digs into pocket} Hey, Red?

RED GREEN: Yeah?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Take a look at this, huh? {pulls out a huge green-colored egg and shows it to Red} What does that look like to you?

RED GREEN: {looking at egg} The big boy breakfast.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {shakes his head} It's not a meal, Red, it's a meal ticket!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah?

DALTON HUMPHREY: We're gonna make some real money from this. {laughs}

RED GREEN: Yeah? How many emus do you figure are in there?

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, I was gonna talk to you about that, you know, because I think we got to be a little more aggressive in our approach. I think we have to get ourselves some more emus.

RED GREEN: {shocked} More emus?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Mm-hmm.

RED GREEN: You know, only a married person would have an appetite for that much abuse, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No pain, no gain, Red.

RED GREEN: Well, an emu's only funny 'til somebody loses an eye. That's how I feel about it. Anyway, who's gonna pay for more emus?

DALTON HUMPHREY: I got that covered, okay? There are a bunch of emus at Port Asbestos, and the owners have offered to give us those emus for a share of the upside. So it's gonna cost us nothing.

RED GREEN: That sounds high to me.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {frustrated} Red, I'm not asking you for more money! I'm gonna do the work! Now, come on, what do you say?

RED GREEN: Oh, all right, go ahead. I don't wanna spoil your fun, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Okay! {laughs} You won't regret it. It's a great opportunity! {heads for the front door}

RED GREEN: I think I hear opportunity knocking there.

''{Dalton laughs and opens the doors. The emus instantly appear in the door, squawking.}''

RED GREEN: Look out, look out, look out! Look out!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Back! Back! Back! Go on, back!

''{Dalton walks out the door and closes. Red glances at the camera and heads for the door.}''

Segue: Winston Rothschild
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: When you get the news that your septics have the ooze, and it's giving you the blues and getting on you shoes, call me, Winston, and I'll put her back in cruise.

{Winston holds up his business card.}

Ranger Gord's Educational Films
{Ranger Gord is seated in his fire watchtower, next to a film projector.}

RANGER GORD: Hi, folks. You know, I've been working in film for quite some time now, and I function completely on my own without any outside influence whatsoever. Oh, sure, every once in a while, {picks up a packet of papers} I'll pick up and read my psychological evaluation that headquarters did on me, but it's complete garbage. {displays first page of packet} It's entitled "Sociopath of the Forest". It's nonsense. I've been on every trail and path in this woods and there's no such thing. {puts packet down} You know, working as I do, alone, with only limited resources, my films are, by necessity, avant-garde, and, as such, have never been reviewed by any mainstream film critic. If they did, I can just imagine what they'd say: "Yes, bears do go in the woods, and this is what they leave." Well, that's because they don't understand the subtleties that are so much a part of this medium. And that's why I'd rather just let you see them, and if you don't like them, well, fine, that's the end of it. But if you like them, well, heck, why don't you come up here and stay for a year or two, and we can watch them over and over and over and over and over and over and over... Oh, that'd be great. Anyway, here's this week's film. I hope you love it. {starts the projector}

''{The film starts, displaying the titles: "Ranger Gord's Educational Films" and "Written and Directed and Animated and Voices by: Ranger Gord". The film fades to Ranger Gord posing with the title "Starring Ranger Gord! (Me)". The film fades again to a shot of a mountain. The title reads, "Today's episode.....", then "BEFORE THE FIRE". The scene then fades to show Gord standing in front of a gray sky.}''

RANGER GORD: Folks, I hope everyone out there realizes that the best way to fight forest fires is to prevent them from happening in the first place. {shows off gray-covered mountain} That's how I plan to save this forest!

''{The camera pulls away to reveal that the forest is burnt to the ground. Only the charred remains of a few trees remain. Next to Gord are Little Red and Little Harold.}''

LITTLE HAROLD: Fwaaa, this forest has already burnt to the ground, Ranger Gord.

LITTLE RED: That's right. You can't save it now. {Gord looks sad, shedding a tear} Unless you got a time machine or something. {chuckles}

RANGER GORD: Well, you've convinced me, Red. In the future, {looks at his watch} I'm working on a time machine and will bring it back here to the present.

''{Suddenly, there is an explosion that knocks Red and Harold off their feet and onto the ground. When the smoke clears, there is an outhouse in front of them. The outhouse is covered in Christmas lights. Over the door is the word "toilet", which has been crossed out and replaced by "time machine". The door opens. Inside, in addition to a toilet seat and a roll of toilet paper, there is a clock. Sitting inside is another Ranger Gord, wearing a spacesuit. He climbs out.}''

FUTURE GORD: Hello, everyone! I'm Future Gord! I've finished a time machine, so let's take a trip into the past and prevent this disaster from ever happening.

LITTLE HAROLD: Fwaaa, two Ranger Gords! Oh!

LITTLE RED: {annoyed} Oh, just what the world needs.

{Future Gord runs into the time machine.}

RANGER GORD: {to Red and Harold} Well, c'mon, you two! You wanna make history or not?

''{Gord kicks Red and Harold into the time machine and then runs in himself. Inside, Future Gord sets the clock to PAST. Other times include the usual numbers, plus NOW, NOON, FUTURE and LATER. He then pulls off a piece of toilet paper off the roll. The time machine disappears. Cut to a shot of a forest. Gord's hand comes into view, holding a card reading, "Earlier". The time machine appears in a green, pristine forest. Ranger Gord runs up, wearing a different suit and a pendant on his neck.}''

PAST GORD: What's this? Looks like some kind of machine from the future.

{The door opens and everyone emerges.}

RANGER GORD: Hello, Ranger Gord of the past. I'm Gord of the present, {shows off Future Gord} and this is Gord of the future.

FUTURE GORD: We've come back in time to prevent this magnificent forest from burning to the ground.

PAST GORD: I see. Well, I hope I can be of assistance.

FUTURE GORD: {holding up an abacus} According to my calculations, this forest will be ignited by a bolt of lightning, {throws abacus aside} which will strike somewhere in this vicinity very shortly.

LITTLE RED: {looking up at sky, which is clear and blue} Well, I doubt it, Future Gord. {points up} There isn't a cloud in the sky.

''{Suddenly, a bolt of lightning appears and zaps Red and Harold, burning them up and reducing them to burning two piles of ashes. All that remain of them are their eyes, Harold's glasses and Red's hat. Gord points at the two burning piles of ashes.}''

RANGER GORD: Aha! There's the troubled spot.

''{The three Gords all run up and stomp on the flaming piles of ashes to put out the fire. The fire stops.}''

RANGER GORD: We've done it! We've saved the trees!

FUTURE GORD: Let's all travel into the future and celebrate!

PAST GORD: {pointing at the piles of ashes that used to be Little Red and Little Harold} Wait, what about those two?

FUTURE GORD: Hmm? {looks at ashes} Well, don't worry about them. They never had much of a future anyway.

''{The three Gords all laugh and run into the time machine. It disappears. The blast of its disappearance creates a small fire that spreads across the forest. The fire surrounds the ashes of Red and Harold. The fire soon engulfs the forest, and it looks just as it did at the beginning of the cartoon. The word "Fin" appears. The film ends. Cut back to the real-live Gord in his tower. He applauds and turns off the projector.}''

Meet Your Member
{Red and Mike sit in chairs in another area of the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: You know, these "Up Close and Personal" deals are popular with the television audience, and of course, we're always looking for filler. So right now, we're gonna find out a little more about the man we've come to know as Mike Hamar.

MIKE HAMAR: You're not gonna make me cry, you know that?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, I'm fine with that. Mike, you've had a colorful life. Why don't you tell us about the early years of your childhood?

MIKE HAMAR: Okay. Well, we've had a pretty normal family. Uh, mum was an exotic dancer. And I had somewhere between three and seven dads, depending on how much bail money we could come up with.

RED GREEN: And which one of those guys was your biological father?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, mum was never really sure about that.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah.

MIKE HAMAR: 'Cause, see, she's a heavy sleeper.

{Pause}

RED GREEN: Now, was it just you, Mike, or did you have any brothers and sisters?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, sure! Yeah, there were seven of us, all under seven. I was the youngest. Mum used to blame me for losing her job, because, you know, like, uh, when she was carrying me, she gained a lot of weight, y'know, and she got bigger than some of the table she was dancing on. But actually, it was quite a happy family environment.

RED GREEN: Yeah. So would you say your house was full of love?

MIKE HAMAR: It was on Saturday nights, yeah.

RED GREEN: No, I mean, y'know, you weren't lacking in anything, you know? You had the normal stuff: toys and bikes, that kind of thing?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah, sure, I had the same kind of toys as the neighborhood kids. In fact, I had theirs. See, my family believed in sharing. So if a stranger had something, we thought they should share it with us.

RED GREEN: Oh, I see. Yeah. You had a communal attitude towards possession?

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah! See, we weren't hung up about possessions, right? But, oh, boy, those cops sure were. Oh, man! That's all they'd ever talk about, right? Possession, trafficking...

RED GREEN: Okay, I see. Alright, I see where we're going with this. Well, Mike, y'know, I'd like to talk to you a lot more, but so much of this is still before the courts, uh, and we're running a little short of time, so maybe what you can do is, just in the last few seconds, sum up and look right out there into the audience and give the youngsters a little advice on life, if you would.

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, okay, life, yeah, sure, okay. {looking directly into camera} Um... it's not that bad. They call it life, but, really, it's only 25 years.

Segue: Winston Rothschild 2
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Hi, I'm Winston. Love means never having to see your sewage. Call Rothschild's!

{Winston holds up his business card.}

Remarks

 * Mike claims to be the youngest of seven children in his family. But in The Good Old Hockey Game, he claims to have had a younger brother, who was 23 years old when their parents had their eighth anniversary.

Inside References

 * Mike was previously featured in a "Meet Your Member" segment in The Owl Project.

Real-World References

 * In the opening scene, Red makes multiple references to fast-food franchise Kentucky Fried Chicken, which uses Colonel Sanders as its mascot.
 * Edgar's response in the Word Game in which he successfully says the word ("It's kinda like an offer you can't refuse!") is a reference to a famous, almost-identical line from the movie, The Godfather.
 * Winston's second slogan is a parody of the quote, "Love means never having to say you're sorry," from the novel and 1970 movie, Love Story.