Possum Lake Monster/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold: And now here's

the one and only

and therefore

the greatest tv sensation

to step out of the forest

since bigfoot,

our very own sag-squatch...

Our very own

abominable showman -- wa-a-a! --

Red green!

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

And thank you, harold,

for getting the show off

on the wrong bigfoot.

Absolutely no problemo,

uncle red. Boom.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

I will now cross over

to join the host.

Maybe you should cross over

and join the women's navy.

Well, now that harold has put

his bigfoot in his big mouth,

uh, we can get on

with the show.

And actually, uh,

harold has been a bit relevant,

just as a fluke here,

because this week,

uh, we've actually discovered

we have a monster

right here in possum lake,

which we've nicknamed...

Pessie.

[ laughs ]

pessie?

What kind of name is pessie?

What kind of name

is harold?

Well, I --

just, you know, it's a monster.

It should have a monster's name,

you know, like "gargle."

[ growls ]

like that.

You know, or "razormouth,"

or, you know,

"firebeater," you know?

Wa-a-a!

Something that sounds

like a video game, you know?

I don't know, harold.

I mean, uh, the loch ness

monster is named nessie,

so we figure

the loch possum monster

should be named pessie.

Uh, we thought about

calling it "possie,"

but that kind of implied

there was a whole bunch

of them, you know?

And then we, uh...

Then we went through

the other vowels.

Wa-a-a!

Decided we were safest

with "e."

yeah, I think so.

Anyway, uh, junior singleton

has, uh, already spotted pessie.

Uncle red,

need I remind you

that junior singleton bought a

used pontoon boat last weekend,

and he's been since touring the

lake offering tours to people.

Wa-a-a!

Coincidence and/or what?

Wa-a-a!

Yes, harold, but, you know,

you can't deny it.

Junior says he has spotted

the monster every day

for the last three days.

Yes, but I wish

he just had a paying customer

confirm that thought.

Well, harold, you know, I don't

think anyone with your looks

should be skeptical

about unusual life-forms.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ take time to read ♪

♪ take time to read ♪

♪ that's a good deed,

to read ♪

♪ go to the library

and get a book ♪

♪ they have two or three

that are worth a look ♪

♪ if I hadn't gone,

my mind would be bored ♪

♪ and how else could I have

found out so much ♪

♪ about curious george? ♪

red:

This week in "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you something

you can do

with some of those beer bottles

you got lying around the garage

or down in the basement

or whatever.

I found these bottles

in the cushions of the couch.

Now, uh, ordinarily,

I would just, uh,

throw these out

or take them back for a refund.

But, uh, I'm gonna show you

how you can make yourself

a darned interesting clock.

Now, the first thing

you're gonna need

is something big and flat

to hold all the mechanism

for the clock.

Excuse me a minute.

[ grunts ]

[ crash ]

[ bottles clanking ]

I suggest a fridge door

for the timeless look

of white enamel.

And you're also gonna need

an electric motor like this one

to feed the bottles

into the clock.

And you're gonna need

a work glove -- just one.

That's gonna help

feed the bottles as well.

So you're just using one.

You can sell the other one

to the neighbor's kid,

and he can go out

and be a rock star.

Now, you got to soak this thing

in a solution made up

of mercury, lacquer,

rubbing alcohol, gasoline,

and paint stripper --

or as we call it, possum lake.

There we go.

Once she's dry,

she's as hard as a brick.

And then you stick the glove,

uh, on to a 1x3 or a 2x2

or whatever size

piece of wood you find

when you were over

at neighbor's garage

selling his kid the other glove.

You know, that would make

a dandy little, uh...

Dandy little back scratcher.

Or lower, you know?

Or a panhandler could use this,

could work both sides

of the mall at the same time.

But we're gonna use it

to pick up the beer bottles

and roll them

in to the fridge door.

So what we got to do now

is connect this

to our electric motor.

Just stick it on there. You'll

have a little hole in there.

And you can just

drop a nail through,

and then, uh, bend her over.

Or I guess

you could use a cotter pin

if you're made of money.

And now what you do

is wind her up

so it's gonna go right

into the fridge door.

And, uh, I think

we're looking pretty good.

Why don't we put a beer bottle

in the glove and give her a try?

There we go.

Now, as soon

as I plug the motor in,

that should just lay that bottle

in there as nice as you please.

[ whirring, glass shatters ]

uh, yeah. Okay. That works.

That works.

That works excellent.

It's just, uh,

maybe just a tad fast,

so we'll slow the electric motor

down, which is easy to do.

You just open them up, and you

can just start cutting windings

until your wrist gets tired.

Or, uh...Yeah.

Why don't we just hook her up to

one of these household dimmers?

Perfect.

All right, now, uh, you may have

to jimmy around with the dimmer

to get the motor down to exactly

one revolution per minute,

uh, greenwich time a.M.

But, uh, once you do,

by golly, you're all set up.

And here's how she works.

The glove, now, is gonna pick up

the beer bottle from the basin.

That's our supply.

And at exactly every minute,

right on the button,

she brings it over,

drops the beer bottle

right here onto our top shelf,

which is our minutes shelf,

and that carries on until

you get nine bottles on there.

On the 10th bottle,

the weight all changes,

and she swings down,

and nine of the bottles

drop into the eaves trough

and carry right on back into

the basin for a supply again.

But the 10th bottle goes

into the 10-minutes area,

so that's now 10 minutes,

and then that kind of

repeats itself.

And now what happens

is you build up until you have,

I guess eight on the t--

no, nine. 10!

10-minute on the 10 --

10 on the 10-minute,

and then into the hours

and down and around.

And just -- it's like clockwork.

And the beauty of this --

of this machine is that, uh,

whenever you want to know

what time it is,

you just take a look over at

your fridge beer-bottle clock,

and you add up the minutes.

Well, you got four there.

So that's four minutes,

plus you add up the 10s.

We got three 10s.

And then we got

one, two, three, four hours.

So, you put them all together,

and that means that it's, uh,

it's exactly...

[ sniffs, clears throat ]

...Time for a beer.

This would make a dandy

alarm clock, wouldn't it?

And now

it's that time in the show

where we expose the three little

words men find so hard to say --

"I don't know."

wa-a-a!

And here on "the experts"

section today,

of course, is my uncle red

and mr. Hap shaughnessy!

"dear experts...

"I do not consider myself

a stupid person,

"such as, say, my brother,

but try as I might,

I do not understand einstein's

theories of relativity."

well, you know, einstein said

there are only three people

who could understand

relativity.

Really?

Wonder who

the other one is.

You understand

relativity, hap?

Just the stuff

I worked on.

Oh, you worked

with einstein, did you?

Yeah, well,

when he started out,

I gave him a hand

with his relative-ity.

But einstein

worked on relativity

when he was really young.

[ laughing ]

yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I didn't mind

giving the kid a hand.

He had some good ideas.

They were rough, but good.

Excuse me, mr. Shaughnessy,

but I still don't understand

how it is that -- you know,

einstein is younger than you.

Was, harold. Was.

I worked a lot faster

than albert, that's all.

Much, much faster.

So we aged

at different rates, huh?

Well, that's possible.

I just all of a sudden felt a

little older myself right there.

Well, there you go, red.

You'd have to be

that third person

that albert

was talking about.

You'd understand

that, uh, time and space

is relate-ive

and subjective.

Yeah, and I'm learning

that so is the truth.

"it is summer.

"in the hot sun, your hair

went from dark to light.

"it went from straight to curly.

And eventually, it just went."

thought I'd drop in

on ranger gord,

see if he knew anything

about this possum lake monster.

Welcome, welcome.

Thank you, gordon.

I've got, uh,

water for six months,

lots of cots, extra cots...

Cream corn.

What do you need?

I was thinking maybe

a 10-minute visit, gord.

Okay. Okay.

That's good, too, yeah.

Uh, gosh, we all get

so busy these days, huh?

Uh, toothpick?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, gosh, you know, uh, you

know, you got a lodge to run.

I've got a forest

to manage.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Gosh, I can't tell you

how busy I get sometimes,

uh, inspecting a twig or

looking at a bug or something.

And, you know,

you haven't felt excitement

until you've been eating

a foil-wrapped potato

and lightning

hits the tower.

Poof!

Burned all my nose hairs

on the last one.

Wow. For gosh sakes.

That's good, yeah.

Tell me something, gord.

Uh, you know anything

about dinosaurs in this area?

Uh, dinosaurs, no, no.

Not anymore.

Uh...

Although, last week,

I thought I heard a noise.

No.

But, uh...Not really.

Millions and millions

and millions of years ago,

before I came here, yeah.

Yeah, I feel sorry

for the dinosaur, don't you?

Not really, no.

Big animal,

looking out over the...

[ sniffles ]

[ voice breaking ]

...Over the forest.

Trying to protect people,

looking out for forest fires.

You'd think he'd get

some thanks sometimes

or at least an award or...

[ sniffles ]

...Paycheck or something.

[ sobbing ]

the poor dinosaur!

Well, now, gord,

you know, I --

now, I don't know about him,

but, by golly,

you've done a heck of a job

up here for all of us.

Really?

Oh, gosh, yeah.

Well, I mean, how many

forest fires have there been

since you've come up here?

Uh, six.

Six, and you spotted

all of them, did you not?

No.

Oh. Oh.

All right, all right,

but you spotted --

I know you spotted one of them

for sure, didn't you?

Yeah, but how could

I have missed it?

It burned the tower down.

Well, uh, junior singleton

has convinced a lot of skeptics

by offering a $10,000 reward

to anybody who spots pessie,

the possum lake monster.

Personally,

I'd be a lot more convinced

if junior offered

a $40 reward...

'cause I know he has $40.

You know, uh, uncle red,

it's true, though, you know.

Maybe there is a dinosaur fish

in the water.

Could have survived

up here, you know,

if it was cut off

from evolution,

like everyone else was

up here.

Yeah, well, you know, he's got

moose thompson convinced.

Uh, moose took all the nets

off the tennis courts

and went skin-diving

to capture pessie --

mano a monstero.

I think the whole concept of

a large, small-brained dinosaur

kind of strikes a nerve

with moose.

Wouldn't be surprised

if there was a brontosaurus

in his family tree.

Uh, now, see, excuse me

right there, uncle red.

Now, if there is a dinosaur

in possum lake,

it will not

be a brontosaurus.

No, no, no, no. Perhaps it'll

be the long-neck plesiosaur.

Hmm?

Or perhaps it'll be like the

famed duck-billed ichthyosaurus.

Well, I don't know, harold,

but so far,

the only people

who have spotted this thing

are all in the local

tourist business.

Oh, no, no.

See, that's not even true.

That's not even true,

'cause old man sedgwick,

he said he saw

a thing in the lake,

and it was, like, all

gray-skinned with a humped back

and these big watery

fish eyes, you know?

And it had, like, no nose

and this gaping toothless mouth.

Wa-a-a!

What do you think that could be?

His reflection.

♪ come on, bus driver,

speed up a little bit ♪

♪ speed up

a little bit ♪

♪ speed up a little bit ♪

♪ come on, bus driver,

speed up a little bit ♪

♪ the cops are really

gainin' on us ♪

red: Got something special

for all you campers

on this adventure

of "adventures with bill,"

the "adventure with bill" part

of the bill adventure.

Now, what we pointed out here

was bill had left his food

just lying around.

This is what happens when

you're camping and so forth.

You get a lot of the animals

get in there, and...

Oh, boy, oh, boy,

oh, boy, oh, boy.

And then they got into the bacon

and tied her into

a wreath knot there, I guess.

So bill's thinking --

get that out of there.

Thanks for tidying

that up, bill, and --

hey, hey, hey!

That's my shirt.

So, uh,

he's got some burlap there,

and he's gonna

put the food in here.

We're gonna try to show you

a safe way to store things.

You put everything in about

the middle of the, uh, burlap.

And then you need some sort

of a waterproof fabric

to go over the burlap --

you bring that up.

We were looking

for some waterproof stuff,

and I kind of spotted bill's,

you know --

so we put that over the bag,

and then we tied her on there.

And then what you do,

you've got something there.

You're ready to go --

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

You're ready to go

and hang that now

over the branch of a tree,

you see?

The idea being

this is gonna make it hard

for the animals to get at.

Bill doesn't have

a lot of motor skills

when it comes

to swinging things around

and throwing them at parties.

Yeah, you know --

oh, no, no, no, no, no, bill.

Now, I don't like to butt in

'cause bill is the expert

on the outdoor stuff.

But it seemed to me

that things would go

probably a little bit better

if you threw

the end of the rope over

rather than throw the bag over,

you know?

Yeah, then it's just a simple

task of pulling that up.

It should go.

Ooh! [ grunts ]

well, bill has a way

of making things

a little more complicated,

and then you got to --

bill, stop, stop, stop!

Ohh.

All right,

you can pull that up too far.

But anyway,

he's got her up there.

Now he's got the bag

hanging there, and it's safe.

And I don't know why,

but bill felt

he needed to check that.

Aah!

All right, he made a bad choice

on that branch.

And now he's got

another branch and --

no, bill, bill, no, no.

Just leave it. It's fine.

Now we can go

and do whatever we want.

Yeah, all right,

we'll do a little fishing,

so you don't have to

worry about that.

The animals can't get at that,

and, uh...

Hmm.

How far south are we?

All right,

so, we fished for a while,

and I got myself a couple

of nice little trout and so on,

and bill got, uh,

an 8 1/2 and a 7

and I think

an 11eee there.

So, he's gonna go over, and just

now we can take the food down.

It should be

in pretty good shape.

Got that?

Ohh. Ohh.

Eggs are hard.

Now we take her back,

and I'd be a little --

I think that if you were

to do this,

you might want

to be a little gentler

with the way you handle

the food,

'cause this really is not

any better than it was before.

But at least you know

it's your own mess.

You can always live

with your own mess.

Bill's wife does.

And now here's something

for all you youngsters.

Enjoy.

Yo, check it out!

What's up? Wa-a-a!

Welcome to the very first

episode of my brand-new show...

"cool hair."

wa-a-a!

Okay, cool hair -- what is it?

Who has it?

Who wants it?

Who really needs it?

How do you build it?

How do you maintain it?

How do you train it?

How do you get it

to sit up on all fours

and beg for a biscuit like that?

And when you throw it one,

it rolls all over the rug

and it looks so --

I forgot what

I was talking about.

Oh, okay, okay, yeah, okay.

Cool hair. Huh.

The first factor

to fab follicles is your diet.

It's true, because whatever you

eat goes directly to your hair.

Like, when you're eating

those long spaghettis,

you know,

and you suck those up.

[ slurping ]

like that, right?

And then it comes, and it just

snaps you in the head, right?

And it wraps around your nose

and stuff.

Wa-a-a!

But you know what?

Also, a bad diet can lead

to, like, a receding hairline.

Then you get like my uncle red,

and you get one of those

great big bald spots.

It looks like a bird

dropped a -- hi, uncle red!

Uncle red!

Harold,

you seen my combs?

Is bill washing

his dog again?

No.

Harold, what have

you done here?

You glued all my combs

on here.

No, no, I didn't.

They j-- they stuck.

That's the graphic

to my new show.

That's the opening

of my new show,

and without those combs,

I cannot do my new show.

Oh, well,

that's great, then.

We hear a lot of talk these days

about, uh, junk food.

Somebody will say, uh,

"too much cholesterol"

or, "that's high

in unsaturated fat"

or, "get that bag of chips

out of this bed."

well, I say the whole thing

is a crock.

You put a bag of cheezies down

beside a plate

of sausages and eggs,

and the meal

you're supposed to eat

is made of pigs' intestines

and premature chicken babies.

And they say you're

supposed to watch out,

don't have too much salt.

Well, I'm telling you,

the giant sea turtle --

he gets to be 4,000 years old,

and he lives in salt.

So it's not the salt

or the cholesterol

or the junk food

that will kill you.

It's worrying about it.

That's what does you in.

So as long as you don't listen

to your crazy doctor

or the nutritionist

that he sends you to

or the heart specialist that

the nutritionist sends you to

or that clinical specialist

on circulatory systems

they bring in 'cause they've

never seen a case this bad

in their entire history --

as long as you

don't listen to them,

you're gonna live

a long, long time.

I plan to.

Hello, glen.

Drop another ping-pong table

off the roof rack?

No, red, just doing a little

customizing on the r.V.

You ever seen those indy cars

with the front spoilers?

I think

they call them aprons.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, keeps the front wheels

on the ground

even if they're going

150 miles an hour.

Wow.

You put a new engine or five

into the r.V., did you?

No, I wish, red. No.

Grab that other end there.

I'll show you.

See, there you go.

Oh, yeah.

Indy car

with a front spoiler.

Uh-huh, or a freight train

with a cowcatcher.

Makes it safer, sportier,

and sharper, red.

Well, what's

the other one for here?

In case you can take

a stupid idea and do it twice?

[ laughing ]

no, red.

This goes up on the back

at the top here.

This is an airfoil.

Oh.

Well, that's great.

Oh, oh, oh.

There you go, red.

This is great, then.

You got this at the back

to scrape the icicles

off the bridge,

and you got the front

for plowing snow.

Well, red, actually,

it's for mileage.

It helps out the mileage

quite a bit.

Really? How much?

Well, I don't know exactly,

but I know it's quite a bit.

Uh-huh.

You know what I bet?

I bet you go

100,000 miles,

and you'll save enough gas money

to maybe pay for the plywood.

Oh, red, there's no need

to be nasty, okay?

I mean,

I'm not hurting you any.

No, you're right.

Gee whiz.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

None of my business

how people want to waste

their money, I guess.

Right here is fine, red.

All right.

You know

what I figure?

Uh-huh?

I'll finish this,

and I'll get it all painted up,

and you'll be first in line

to go for a ride

right through

the middle of town.

Yeah,

you're probably right.

I do enjoy

watching people laugh.

You must.

I was kidding, glen.

Me too.

Hey, what's this weird

trailer here for?

Is that for carrying

extra spoilers?

No, it's the research guys

from the university there.

They had a submarine

on this, red.

Yeah, you should have seen

this thing.

It was painted up

like a prehistoric animal.

Ah.

Man, it was ugly.

Yeah, well, you seem to get

a lot of ugly things

up this end of the lake.

[ sighs ]

well, the mystery of pessie,

the possum lake monster,

has kind of been cleared up.

I should have guessed

it was a submarine

when one description said

the tail was a chrome propeller.

Pessie's a submarine?

Well, it was...

Until moose thompson

chased it up on shore,

and it wedged between the dock

and the boathouse.

So now it's

a submarine sandwich?

[ laughing ]

[ snorts, laughs ]

because it was, like, there,

and it was squished, right?

Because it was --

wa-a-a! Sandwich!

That's -- you said

it's a submarine,

but I said

sandwich submarine,

but you just go right ahead.

I'm not here.

That's the future of our country

you're looking at right there.

So I would recommend

"play hard, die young"

as the best policy.

Uncle red, what --

what was the submarine doing

in possum lake anyway?

Well, apparently, it was some

kind of a marine survey

to find out why there's no fish

in possum lake, which is crazy.

That's just our tax dollars

at work, isn't it, harold?

There's plenty of fish

in possum lake.

They're just down

at the bottom, you know,

under all them appliances

and school buses and those --

half a dozen power transformers

down there.

There's a few in there,

for sure.

[ screeching ]

that's the squeal

of the possum.

We got to go

to the meeting now.

Yeah, you go ahead, harold.

Then I'll -- I'll be right down.

Well, that's about it

for this show,

but one thing

I think we've proven

is that, uh, something

can be 65 million years old

and still be an attraction.

So, if my wife is watching,

your dinosaur will be coming

home right after the meeting,

and I sure hope I don't walk you

to the ice age.

And to the rest of you,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching continues ]

all rise! All rise!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Couple of quick announcements.

If anybody finds a horse

that looks like

it might belong to the mounties,

would you please return it

to junior singleton

in the next 24 hours?

This is serious.

Otherwise, the musical ride

will be missing a "b" flat.