Doc's Loan/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: For those of you who

have never seen our show before,

don't worry.

This is it, all right.

It's an eclectic mix

of reality television

with some introverted

self-awareness,

generally typical of the type

of show put together

by a group of underachievers

with a government grant.

And here's my uncle,

who happens to be

the real dynamo of the family,

which is hard for me

to admit in public.

But, anyway, here he is -- the

star of "the red green show" --

mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you,

and welcome to possum lodge.

I have the sound turned down

back there

so I can't hear harold's intro.

That's a trick

you might consider

for the next time

you tune us in.

Harold, uh, you got an effect

for us tonight, you know?

We might as well give them

one more way to turn off.

How about something

like this?

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ laughs ]

yeah, that ought to do it.

Uh, harold does those effects

because he can.

Anyway, there's something

kind of strange

going on in possum lodge

this week,

uh, especially with our medical

officer, doc render.

For some reason or other,

he's being nice to people,

even to the point

of driving into town

in a closed vehicle

with stinky peterson.

So we figure he must be

after something.

And a lot of the lodge members

have been complaining to me,

because when you get

one of the guys,

you know, sucking up

to everybody

and ingratiating themselves

and everything,

it just reminds them of work,

you know?

2 and 4,

and a double-double run is 20.

[ sniffing ]

what's that smell?

All right, all right.

So you skunked me, pinhead.

At least we weren't playing

for money.

I never play for money.

That would be gambling.

I never gamble.

That's why

I'm the lodge treasurer.

That's why you're not.

Well, uh, how about this?

What if, uh -- what if you

loan me, say, 500 bucks,

and then 90 days from now,

I pay you back $600, hmm?

That wouldn't be gambling,

huh?

Would it, dougie?

Listening to you

is gambling.

How about getting the money

from helmut?

Helmut's got lots of

money 'cause his mom's

got lots of money,

and she buys him stuff all the

time, so she's got the money.

She gives it to helmut,

and helmut can give it to you.

No, that wouldn't be right,

harold.

I wouldn't feel good

about that.

No, this -- this was strictly

an investment opportunity

that I wanted to share with

my good friend douglas here.

He's good with money,

you know?

You're a disaster

with money.

You're a one-man

stock-market crash, doc.

You see, you'll need a job

to get money,

and you'll need a skill

to get a job,

and you'll need training

to get a skill,

and you'll need a loan

to get training,

and you'll need a bloody miracle

to get a loan.

Case closed.

You know, doc,

I'd lend you the money,

but I'm a little strapped

on cash right now.

I still owe $67

to the home shopping network.

It's not so bad anymore.

They repossessed my tv,

you know,

so I'm working through it,

you know?

How about you, bill?

You got any money?

Uh, never mind.

You scrounging

for cash again, doc?

Oh, minor shortfall problem,

red.

That's all.

We're that close

to striking oil.

My stockbroker says it's a bad

time for me to sell, you know?

I suggest that maybe he could

hit helmut up for the money.

Uh, I'm sorry.

What I meant was

that he could present

an investment opportunity

to helmut.

Yeah, but, you know,

if you don't pay him back,

you know, he'll just rip you up

like a rag doll.

I one time saw him pull a guy

through a drainpipe by his lips.

Ow!

That's horrible.

[ chuckles ]

did you get it on film?

Hey, what about you, red?

You're fairly liquid.

Well,

a lot of the time, yeah,

but, you know,

my mom said to me once,

"never lend money to a friend.

You'll lose both."

well, no problem.

I'm not your friend.

I don't even like you.

Well, that's tempting,

you know,

but, uh, for me to lend you

money,

I'd have to go

borrow the money first

and probably have to clear that

with the wife.

Then there'd be the name-calling

and sleeping in the garage

and the seven years

in forced celibacy

and, well, I just don't think

I can make that work.

Well, thanks anyway, red.

Hey, hey, this is great.

Here comes helmut,

'cause you can ask him

for the money.

Helmut's got all sorts of money.

This is great.

Hey, helmut,

this is perfect,

'cause doc's got something

he wants to talk to you about.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Does he have

my 500 bucks yet?

Oh, I don't know.

Wa-a-a!

Doc!

Uhh! Sorry.

Was he here?

No, you know.

Does he have my money?

I gave him $400.

He said he'd give me $500.

You know --

you know where he's gone?

You know where he's gone,

helmut?

He went to get the money.

Yeah.

'cause he mentioned to me

that he was, like, you know,

that close to striking

his stockbroker.

Well, you tell him

I'd like to see him,

and he'd better come

bearing gifts.

I'm gonna go

sharpen my tools.

Oh!

Good choice, helmut.

That's great.

I'll mention that to him

if I see him --

about you and the, you know,

the sharpened-tool thing.

That's a -- whoo, you're gonna

get him with that one.

I am so glad helmut doesn't work

for the home shopping network.

Whoo!

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ it does a man good

to stop and look around ♪

♪ at the trees and the sky

and the water and the ground ♪

♪ the beasts on the land

and the birds in the air ♪

♪ it's gonna take a long time

for us to wreck this ♪

♪ but we're getting there ♪

this week on, uh,

"handyman corner,"

gonna show you how you can,

uh, make some furniture.

We need some, uh, chairs here

up at the lodge

because, uh,

some of our old furniture

is, uh, really killing us

in insurance.

We got a recliner rocker here

that's just unbelievable.

But, uh, rather than switch

to the, uh, no-fault system,

uh, what we thought we'd do

is -- is buy a couple of chairs.

Well, I went and looked at them.

Some of them were upwards

of $19.95, 20 bucks even.

That's what we pay for cars,

you know,

so I thought, "well, heck, let's

make our chairs, you know?"

and to do that,

all we would need is a lathe.

Now, a lathe is gonna cost you

600 or 700 bucks,

which we could get, uh, say,

a bus or a motor home for.

So instead of that,

I'm gonna show you

how you can make your own lathe.

All you need is a drill.

Take your power drill,

stick it into a vise.

This is gonna save you a heck

of a lot of money, believe me.

Okay, so, maybe you don't have

a vise, huh?

Or maybe you don't even have

a drill.

So you're saying,

"well, how much is this gonna

save me, you know?"

well, I'll tell you what.

A lathe is a lot cheaper

than a vise and a drill

put together.

Plus, with a drill, look at all

the things you can do with it.

You can, uh -- you can drill,

or you can -- you can screw.

You can mix, you can puree,

you can sand, you can grind.

You can just take a Sunday

morning and just sit at home

spinning things around

while the family's at church.

Whereas with a lathe, all you

can do is latheing, you know,

except, I guess, you can

stand on it as a platform

when you're

painting the ceiling.

So you put this in

pretty good here.

Whoa.

Oh, now, I-I may have --

[ clears throat ]

okay, okay.

But a lathe is still

gonna cost you more

than, say, a vise

and two drills.

Just tighten this up quickly

before, uh,

moose thompson notices

that his drill's missing.

Okay, now we can get our wood

that we're gonna do

our latheing on.

Uh, this is a beautiful piece

of, uh, teak.

We're gonna make a teak chair.

This is gonna be

one of the legs.

So what I got to do is, uh --

is put a nail in the top there

to hold her.

I need a hammer.

Well, well, let's use a bit

of that old drill.

Like I told you...

A drill

is a very versatile tool.

Oh, there they are.

All right. Now we, uh, put this

into our -- into our drill,

or should I say our lathe.

And tighten that up.

Oh, yeah.

See how you're getting a feel

for this now?

Now I just need the chuck key.

I go through chuck keys

like pencils and hammers.

Unbelievable.

I buy them by the gross,

you know?

This here will last me about,

uh, three months.

Okay.

All right,

now, for our speed control,

uh, I got this, uh --

I'm gonna put that in my pocket.

For our speed control,

uh, I got this, uh, thing

off my wife's sewing machine.

Never been used.

And this will, uh,

turn our, uh, drill

into not only a lathe,

but a variable speed lathe.

So plug the drill into the pedal

and plug the pedal up.

Yeah, and, uh...

Okay, so we take

this metal bracket

and, uh, I put a nail

in this end of the wood now.

And we just line that up there.

Fit that through there.

And that'll hold her steady.

Now we want that bracket

held on to the bench,

so just use

my power screwdriver here,

and you want to really

horse this down good,

because, uh, you don't want

this thing coming off

at 3,000 rpms

going through your skull.

No chair is worth that...

Unless it w--

no, no, not even then.

Okay.

That's good.

That looks good.

Now I just, uh,

check this other end here.

Tighten that up good.

Now, where's that chuck key?

Hmm?

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Who put that in there?

All right.

[ grunting ]

all right.

And that'll work.

And just one last thing -- just

a comment on eye protection.

You know,

you only have two eyes.

Take care of them.

Okay.

It's ready to go, so let's make

some fine furniture.

[ motor whirring ]

all right. All right.

So, uh, now we would --

we'd -- we'd carve that down

while it was spinning next time.

And then you'd make three more

just like it,

and then another time --

maybe next week or whatever --

we'll, uh --

we'll make ourselves

the seat for this thing.

Anyway, uh, until next time,

uh, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ motor whirring ]

[ thunder crashes ]

"it is spring, baseball season.

"your son is pitching.

"the game is called on account

of darkness in the first inning

"after your boy walked

37 consecutive batters.

But he was pleased --

his first no-hitter."

well, uh, doc has hit on

just about everybody here,

looking for money,

while he's all the time

trying to hide from helmut.

In fact, he even disguised

himself as a shrub,

which was an unfortunate choice

for the dog days of summer.

And then after that,

he just plain disappeared,

but he told me

that if he could afford it,

he'd have a complete

facial reconstruction

and even a --

even a sex-change operation.

I figure if, uh -- if helmut

gets his hands on him,

he'll get both of those

for free.

Ah, so helmut wants his pound

of flesh, does he?

No, I think he just wants

to pound doc's flesh.

No, no.

Uncle red,

the "pound of flesh,"

from

"the merchant of venus."

shylock wanted

his pound of flesh.

[ chuckles ]

so he took her arms?

No! No.

See, his daughter

dressed up as a lawyer

and had the case thrown out,

based on the fact that,

in the 15th century,

they didn't have the proper

equipment for weighing meat.

English teachers

have the highest suicide rate,

don't they, harold?

No.

There are none so lonely

as those of intellect.

[ keyboard clacking ]

and I did want

to talk to you,

you know,

with this financial problem

that doc render

is having --

no, no, no.

That man is a complete liar

and a fraud.

Well, uh, he's also

the lodge doctor, you know.

Correction --

he claims to be a doctor.

Yeah, but he -- but he's got

all that doctoring equipment.

He's got, uh,

tongue depressors and, uh --

red, one box of coffee stir

sticks does not a doctor make.

You know, doc render

once took my temperature

with an indoor/outdoor

thermometer.

He told me

that was a rectal/oral.

So -- so you're saying

you -- you --

you -- you don't think

he's a doctor?

Well, if he was,

would he need money?

Now, if he needs cash,

well, let him go perform

a gallbladder operation

on somebody.

What does he need the money for,

anyway?

Well,

it depends who you ask.

Some people he tells

he's collecting money

for a polar expedition,

and he told harold

that he needed the money

to make an alimony payment

to madonna.

Well, as credible and worthwhile

as both those causes sound,

we have no money

in the kitty.

Well, that's -- that's just

temporary, isn't it, douglas?

I mean, when -- when do the

members pay their dues next?

Same time every month --

never.

In fact,

doc render is the worst.

If I enforced

the lodge charter --

he hasn't been a member

since 1965.

He's not good for it.

He's a bad risk.

He doesn't deserve

a red cent.

I am not a bank manager,

red.

Well, you sound a lot like

my bank manager.

If I were to lend him money,

where would it end?

Soon everybody

would be bothering me --

bothering me for money

that I don't have to lend.

If he needs money,

he can just go out and earn it.

Well, I'd be glad to pay him

to come out here

and sweep up

and bundle all these leaves.

Well, I, uh --

I could mention it him,

but I-I don't think

he's gonna go for it.

You know, doctors kind of like

to protect their hands.

Well,

he has to realize, red,

that money

doesn't grow on trees.

Well [clears throat]

not when you get

through with him, anyway.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Bill told me to meet him

down at the dock.

Hmm.

Yeah, I think that's bill.

Oh, yeah, because he wanted

to talk about,

uh, various, uh, water-safety

and life-preserver-type,

uh, equipment.

So he can --

now, this is a -- this is a --

that's a life --

life preserver.

And you got the ropes there,

and, uh, quite a few ropes

there.

I didn't --

now, to me, I guess --

I guess that's where they go.

I figure

you got to have her tight.

Ugh!

You know, I really wasn't aware

when I was -- but he --

well, to me, if it's not tight,

uh, it's really not gonna do you

any good.

So we horsed her

right down there,

and now he's ready to --

ready to go.

He kind of looks like

one of them little munchkins,

doesn't he?

It's kind of cute.

Like a decoy.

And there's another type.

This one -- bill knows --

but I --

okay, you got the strap

to tie it in the front there,

but I would have thought

that, uh --

I would have thought the arms

had to go through

those arm holes.

Yeah, yeah.

I think they do.

I'm pretty sure they do.

Oh, well.

Uh, now this -- this here

is a -- is a boot hook,

and when someone's drowning

or whatever, you can just, uh --

it's kind of like extending your

arm, and they hang onto that,

and -- and there we go.

There we go.

Now, bill's, uh --

bill's gonna pretend he's --

pretend he's drowning.

And, uh, I'll hand him

the boat hook

and just -- just pull him in.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

And now he's pretending

he's drowning again.

I-I think he is.

Oh, well.

Yeah, he must have been.

And now this is a --

this is a life ring.

I think the key here

is check the size of it

before you -- you know,

because --

[ clears throat ]

exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So bill got

a little smaller one,

and also he thought

he'd widen himself out a bit

when he jumped onto this baby,

and, uh --

I think that was a mistake,

but I think he got enough pieces

left to build a new one.

You okay, bill?

You know, uncle red, it's

not easy being a teenager --

all the fears and worries

and pressures from kids

to do things

that you know you really

shouldn't do, you know?

Well, it doesn't concern me

all that much, harold.

Well, believe me,

there's a lot of pressure

to experiment with

illicit pleasures, you know?

They say things like,

"oh, go ahead.

Just try it.

Go for it."

well, you know, harold,

drugs will fry your brain,

and you can't afford that.

Drugs?

I was talking about sex.

Carnival knowledge.

All righty-roo.

And there's a lot of pressure

to have sex.

Ha! Constantly.

Well, I say give in,

harold.

No, no.

I'm gonna wait till I'm married.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Stinky peterson's married.

He's still waiting.

Yeah, see, I figure

if I wait till I get married,

then there's a better likelihood

that a girl will be involved.

Well, at this point, I think doc

has pretty well exhausted

any hope he had

of, uh, coming up with the money

for helmut.

Uh, he did try to take back

the cases of empties

that we got stacked

under the porch

and, uh, in the kitchen

and in the basement

and over by the wood pile

and, I guess,

almost 90% of the boathouse

and all the way down the dock.

By the time he got all them

onto the stake truck,

it blew all the tires

and bent the frame.

And then he thought he would,

uh, go on a lecture tour,

but that didn't sell well

because, uh, people don't like

listening to his bull,

even for free.

So, at this point,

I would say doc is toast.

It's gonna make for an

interesting meeting tonight,

I'll tell you.

And by "interesting,"

I mean "violent."

well, be nor borrower,

nor lender be.

Oh, yeah.

Is that

from that same book

where skylark tried to pound

somebody in the flesh?

No.

It's william shakespeare --

the poet, the playwright.

You know what he'd

say to doc render

in a case like this?

"to thine own self

be true."

[ screeching in distance ]

oh, it's meeting time,

uncle red.

♪ dun dun-dun-dun ♪

[ chuckles ]

come on. Let's go.

I'll meet you down there, okay?

Yeah, all right, harold.

Uh, I don't think this

is gonna take too long,

because, uh, I'll let the others

drive doc to the hospital.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

And get down.

Uh, the floor recognizes

helmut wintergarden.

Doc render

owes me 500 bucks,

and I would appreciate it

if anybody here

could tell me where he is.

We made an agreement of

an interest rate of 48 points,

which is better than I can do

with g.I.C.S

or on the bond market.

But if he tries to stiff me, I'm

not gonna reward bad behavior.

First,

I'll rip his ears off.

All right, all right.

Hold your horses.

I'm here.

Sorry I'm late.

Hi, guys.

Hi, helmut.

Where's my cash?

Helmut,

have I got good news for you.

In fact, I got good news

for everybody.

What, did you bring

a lie detector?

[ laughs ]

you know what the main problem

around here is?

Nobody has any confidence

in the other guys.

But that's okay.

You don't think

that king fazai fazort fazufu

would let that king of thing

stand in his way, do you?

You know who he is,

don't you, helmut?

Where's my 500 bucks?!

King fazufu

is the world's richest man.

He makes $126 billion an hour,

and then there's overtime.

The guy does well.

Doc, uh, is any of this gonna

tie in to the real world

at any time in the near future,

do you think?

Well, red, it's all part

of my new investment scheme.

You see,

about six months ago,

I started by borrowing $100

from stinky peterson.

Right, stink?

Yeah.

And then the next month,

I borrowed $200

from moose thompson. Hmm? Yeah.

Out of which,

I paid stinky $150.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

What happened to the other $50?

If you're gonna start

nickel-and-diming me,

we're gonna lose

the whole concept.

Anyway, my plan's

been going just great.

I keep on attracting

new investors,

and with each

new refinancing,

I get closer and closer

to the final payoff,

which is when I go to

king fazufu and get $6 trillion,

which oil sheikhs

like him --

well, they spend

as a tax write-off.

And what happens

to all the profits, doc?

To be shared equally

amongst all the investors.

And now, the dividends, however,

cannot be realized

unless I get another $500

in new cash

to pump into the system...

Or unless helmut there

wants to defer his shares.

How'd you like to defer

your pulse?

You know, helmut, I, uh,

made this for your mother.

It took quite a bit of time,

of course --

time that I could have used

to get your money back,

but, uh, well,

I felt it was more important.

I think a lot of your mother,

helmut.

Thank you.

She likes these.

She wears them

in her hair.

Okay.

You got another 24 hours.

Well, thank you, helmut.

[ chuckles ]

at least somebody can show

a little confidence around here.

[ indistinct shouting ]

well, if there's

no other business, bill?

No.

Well, then, I call on douglas

here for a little entertainment.

Good night, men.

Good night, men.

Thank you, red.

Keep it hopping.

Keep it hopping.

I will. Thank you.

How about a few jokes there,

dougster?

Uh, this was

an unfortunate chapter

that, uh, will never be

repeated.

And now, boys,

I've got something

very special for you today --

how to clean your fingernails.

Well, hopefully,

doc has learned his lesson.

You know, for a guy

who needs money all the time,

you'd think he might hang out

with some people who have some.

I don't know why, uh, doc

chooses to spend time with us

rather than the rich and famous.

Or maybe the rich and famous

have kind of told him,

"this is the way

it's got to be."

anyway, uh,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I-I'm bringing doc,

so, uh, would you leave $500

in small bills

on the kitchen table?

Now, now, now, it's --

it's -- it's not a loan.

It's an investment.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

and the first thing that you do

is take a little emery board and

you start your filing like this.

And you start very carefully,

like this, you see?

You got to make sure that you

cut off the cuticle too much.

And you file very gently

like that.

There you go.

And there you go.

Like that, you see?

And voilà, I've got very nice

clean fingernails.

Now, the other thing that

I've brought with me here...

Oh, yeah, I dare you to hit me!

I dare you!