The Retirement Home/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Retirement Home

Title sequence
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, the scene cuts to a shot of Harold standing in another room of the lodge, standing behind a table with a sign on it reading "Guest For The Presidency".}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} This is Red Green. In today's show, Harold runs for student council...

''{Cut to a shot of Red opening up the hood of Bill's car, which is overheating. Sparks fly from the engine as he opens.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Bill runs for cover...

{Cut to a shot of Red dressing Harold's hair with the shell of a TV monitor and some batteries for curlers, which explode in small sparks.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'm gonna show you how to make a whole hairdressing salon.

''{Cut to an exterior shot of the lodge. Several gunshots appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.}''

Red's Campfire Song 1
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * I remember one morning,
 * I arose from my bunk.
 * Everybody thought
 * I'd been sprayed by a skunk.
 * They got the tomato juice
 * And scrubbed me to death.
 * But it turned out to be my breath.

The Experts
{Harold stands in the lodge basement beside a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now it's that part of the show where we get to expose those three little words that men find so difficult to say: "I don't know."

{Harold laughs, as "The Experts" title appears, and Red and Dougie emerge from behind a door in the back and enter into the room.}

HAROLD GREEN: And today, claiming to be experts are my Uncle Red and, of course, Mr. Dougie Franklin!

''{Red and Dougie wave. They all sit around the table. Harold picks up a letter.}''

HAROLD GREEN: "Dear Experts, I'm hoping you can answer a question which has been tearing my family apart and destroying my marriage. The question is this: what was the best car ever built?"

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Oh, boy. That is a tough one. You know, that really is, I think, one of the core questions of our time. That strikes deep into the human psyche. Boy, I don't know. Whoo! That's tough.

HAROLD GREEN: Which was the best car?

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, Harold. A person's choice of car is a window to their soul. Now, I have the Possum Van.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: I got my monster truck. Yeah.

RED GREEN: And you got your rollerblades. {Harold laughs}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Oh, yeah. You know, I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who really kind of best exemplified the existentialist view, ou know? Now, of course, he had one of them Renault kit cars, you know? The ones that you build yourself, you know; kind of an attempt to know the unknowable, you know? And it come with these instructions that had kind of a tautological-logic loop. So, you know, he never did finish the rear suspension on that baby. But, uh, you know, he did come to the conclusion that essence precedes existence. Therefore, you know, I mean, {makes "air quotes"} "best" is really what you'd have to say is a subjective measurement based on the observer's frame of reference.

''{Dougie nods towards Red, who stares in confusion, along with Harold. After a beat, they finally get what he's saying.}''

RED GREEN: Right.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Haw! Okay, well, so?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: So, the best vehicle for Red here would be the Possum Van. For me, it would be the monster truck. And for you, it would be them, uh, water wings.

HAROLD GREEN: Rollerblades?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Rollerblades.

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! But, you know, all you said kind of makes you wonder, y'know, something like, what would Plato drive? {giggles}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {shrugs} A Buick LeSabre.

Red's Campfire Song 2
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by tapping on a plastic gas container.}

RED GREEN:
 * We like burgers and beef ribs
 * And rump roast and steak.
 * We like sirloin and T-bone
 * That makes us go snake.
 * We also like leather,
 * Shoes and fur belts.
 * You always hurt the one you love.
 * We're obviously quite fond of cows
 * Or wouldn't be slaughtering them so bad.

{Harold tries to blow into the tube of the container, trying to make a tooting sound.}

Plot Segment 3
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

harold: And now here's the head

honcho and the stomach honcho,

the c.E.O. Of the I.P.B.,

if you like a man of letters,

not that he reads them,

my uncle, the star of the show,

red green!

Thank you very much.

Thanks for tuning us in.

Hello, harold.

Is there anything you'd like

to say before we get started?

Maybe an apology?

No, thank you.

I'll let my electronic

editorial effects machine

do all the talking.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

Amazing that he did that while

I'm holding a hammer, isn't it?

Big, big week up at the lodge

this week.

Old man sedgwick has announced

that he wants to get

back to nature,

and we're all in favor,

and the sooner the better.

Old man sedgwick

is leaving the lodge!

Ho! Ho!

That ought to bring the average

age down by about 90 years.

Yeah, and it'll have

the exact opposite effect

on the average I.Q.

But he'll still be around,

harold.

He's bought a cottage

up on rock reef point.

Wa-a-a!

Uncle red, there are no cottages

up on rock reef point.

There's just, like,

well, rocks and that reef

and that little point.

Just like your head,

harold.

No, he's having the cottage

built.

By who?

Anybody with a tool.

Yeah, he bought one of them

"pre-flab" kit cottages.

The cottage company

come up there,

and they dumped off a whole load

of lumber and insulation

and shingles and a little bag

of silica gel

with a note saying,

"some assembly required."

that's great!

Oh, this is great,

you know?

'cause we could have like

a barn-raising thing,

you know, the way the quakers

used to do?

[ giggles ]

only without porridge.

Yeah.

Yeah, actually, we figured

we'd get all the guys up there.

We'd get the cottage up

in maybe less than a day.

And we invited the wives to come

up and bake pies, you know?

But, of course,

they're all away in las vegas

at a networking seminar.

I hope you read the instructions

this time.

Junior singleton still has

the scars from the hot-tub kit.

Aw, harold,

the instructions are a book.

At old man sedgwick's age,

he doesn't have

that kind of time.

We'd end up

just building one closet

and then burying him

in it.

I don't know, uncle red.

We end up with nothing

but trouble

when you guys do things

by the seat of your pants...

Or in the seat

of your pants.

Ah, you worry too much,

harold.

In a couple hours,

there's gonna be a cottage

up on rock reef point

that'll knock your eye out.

I'm sure it'll knock

several people's eyes out.

[ hammering ]

this week on "handyman corner,"

got something

a little bit different for you.

I got an anniversary coming up,

and I want to get

something special.

So I thought we'd create

some special gifts

that you could give,

say, to your wife

or maybe your girlfriend

or even that very special woman

in your life

or all three, you know?

So, I'm thinking to myself,

"well, for starters,

maybe we could create our own

special kind of lady shaver."

come on in here a minute,

harold, will ya?

And I'm thinking

to myself,

"why don't we just use duct tape

to, say, shave a leg?"

'cause it takes a long time to

shave a leg, doesn't it, harold?

Just kidding you.

All right, so, you get

a piece of duct tape,

and then, all of a sudden,

you got no cream to worry about,

no sharp blades,

and no messy clean up.

You just stick her on there

and just snap it right off.

Like this.

That didn't hurt, did it?

No.

Boy,

looks like a throw rug.

Ow!

[ screaming and whimpering ]

oh, well.

How about making yourself

a professional

salon-style hair dryer?

All you need is an old tv set.

But you got to get the picture

tube out of her there.

And you need a screwdriver.

Unscrew it at the back.

[ glass shattering ]

done.

[ grunting ]

all right.

Save all the electronic

components there because...

[ rattling ]

...Next week we're gonna build

a laptop computer.

And you're also gonna need

an old toaster,

but all you need

is the stuff out of the inside.

Keep the case 'cause

when we build the computer,

this'll be

our dual floppy drive.

All right, once we get

the heater and the timer

out of the toaster,

get them mounted

inside the tv set,

we put that whole deal onto

this fancy-looking desk lamp.

And what we have there is a very

professional-looking hair dryer,

that thing you see in those

real super-duper salons

that smell kind of funny.

So I'm just gonna go ahead

and keep working on this.

You guys get back to the show.

And when we come back in here,

maybe we'll try this whole rig

out on harold.

I think it'll be

"vidal bassoon, look out."

[ rattling ]

"it is autumn.

"we walk hand in hand,

my wife and I.

"our love is like music.

"now and then, a string breaks.

"and what were once sharps

are now flats.

"our love

is like a fretless bass.

"we've been playing it so long,

we know exactly

where to put our fingers."

all right, it's time

to make beautiful hair.

Now, I've used some of the old

9-volt batteries here as --

they make dandy hair curlers.

And I put them on

with duct tape,

but you could use, say,

hairpins or a glue gun

or screws, you know?

Is your hair wet there,

harold?

No, it is not.

No, I didn't think so.

Now, just imagine that was

a $50 cut, cream rinse, and set.

Uncle red,

my head's tingling.

Were those batteries dead?

Don't worry about it,

harold.

I'm gonna set the heat

on the toaster now.

[ toaster clicks ]

and pump her down.

[ toaster humming ]

there we go.

Now, easy now, harold.

Easy, easy, easy.

Set her right in there.

Beauty. Beauty.

Now all we have to do, harold,

is wait.

You want your legs shaved

while we're waiting?

No!

Thank you.

[ air whistles ]

okay, you're done.

All right, okay, harold.

Good.

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa, there, harold.

Wa-a-a! How do I look?

I look okay, right?

Well, let me just put

a little mousse on that.

What did you do that for?!

Well, I was frosting your tips

there, harold. That's all.

Well, there you have it.

So, remember -- if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Is that water

still dripping?

Oh, no,

that's battery acid, harold.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Red: I went to ask joshua

for help,

but he was all tied up

on some land deal.

Well, I guess that means

you're gonna be too busy

to help old man sedgwick.

He's building a cottage up

on rock reef point, you know?

Rock reef point

is not zoned for cottage, red.

It's a bird sanctuary.

What? Are you sure?

Yeah.

I tried to buy it once

for a landfill site.

The lawyers

were all over me.

If he tries to build anything

up there,

the eco-freaks will just

make him tear it down.

Oh, golly,

I better go tell him.

Mm-hmm.

How do I get out of here?

[ sighs ]

[ groans ]

oh, I'll help you.

Man,

I need a secretary real bad.

Well,

before I could stop him,

old man sedgwick and the guys

had the whole cottage built,

even had a roof on her.

It wasn't on the top,

but it was on there somewhere.

[ laughs ]

what a mess, too!

Boy, there was a chimney

that all zigzagged

out the door a way.

And there was wires

on the bottom of the tub,

which was

out on the front porch,

which was in the basement.

[ giggles ]

how's a guy supposed to close

the window

with all the plumbing coming

out of it like that?

Well, they're just not all that

good at reading a blueprint.

Well,

maybe if they looked at it.

It might be

a good first step.

I think the real problem came,

though,

was when they divided the guys

into two teams

and made a race out of it.

[ giggles ]

boy, that's when they really

started cutting corners there.

You know,

I think that's why

so many of the rooms

are triangular.

Don't forget,

these are volunteers, harold.

But in the long run,

volunteers are

the most expensive workers

you'll ever have.

So, anyway, after they installed

the shower...

In the kitchen...

In the attic,

they wanted to fire up

the gas water heater.

And when they turned

everything on,

water was coming

out the gas line

but nothing was coming

out the water line.

So junior singleton went

down into the basement

to see who had hooked up

the gas,

and as soon as they hit

the switch

remembered the answer

was "nobody"

as the whole place

exploded.

Is that what that was?

Ha!

I thought they were blasting

in the quarry again.

Of course, you know,

I did wonder when I looked up

and I saw that cottage

in the sky.

Yeah,

you don't see that too often.

Well, it's only the second time

this year.

But there's a good side

because now old man sedgwick

doesn't have to tear

the cottage apart

just to comply

with the zoning bylaw.

Although they may charge him

with littering.

Poor old guy.

I guess he's really upset, huh?

Well, he's not a quitter,

harold.

If he was, he would have died

long ago...

During the war of 1812.

But as he was sitting there

in that big pile

of splintered wood

with little tufts of pink

insulation around him...

Blowing pieces of shingle

out of his nose,

a big blue heron flew over

and dropped a wake-up call

on his bald spot.

And he got an idea.

He's thinking,

okay, if rock reef point

has been made

into a bird sanctuary,

what he'll build as a home

is a great big nest.

Now, he gets in there,

and he starts her up.

[ engine turns over ]

and she's running real good.

Well, two of the cylinders are,

anyway.

And the engine's getting

real good and hot.

And I open her up, whoa!

It's movie time!

And, by golly, we have been

spotted from the air.

[ airplane buzzing ]

and all this time,

I thought bill had no idea

what he was doing.

You're a genius, bill.

You are a genius.

This next part of the show

is for the young people

who apparently can stomach

this kind of thing.

Here's harold.

Wa-a-a!

Good evening!

And welcome to the first episode

of a 52-part series entitled...

"quest for the presidency"!

[ imitating trumpet

playing fanfare ]

wa-a-a!

Okay, yes, I know it says,

"guest for the presidency,"

but, you know, I couldn't find

a "q," so I had to use a "g."

okay? Don't.

Okay.

Well, I mean,

"guest for the presidency"

would be pretty stupid, right?

So, okay.

Okay, well, then.

Join me!

Over the next 52 weeks,

as I will be throwing my hat

into the ring --

well, if I had a hat,

I would throw it into the ring,

and at that time, I'll be

running for the presidency

of my very own high school.

Wa-a-a!

And perhaps

you more advanced students

will be able to learn

from my mistakes.

As I run through the primaries,

which will include

junior kindergarten,

right up to the stump

on the election day,

where I will convince

the electorate

that I am truly

the only candidate

with enough blanks

on my social calendar

to handle

such a high, high office.

Wa-a-a!

So, let me say this about --

harold?

You'll never make it

with your marks, okay?

Presidents have to have

a high education.

Wa-a-a!

What about abe lincoln?

He wasn't much of

an educated guy.

He was assassinated,

harold.

Good point.

Well, maybe I could be

guest for the president.

I guess it must be

pretty confusing

to be a teenage boy

in this day and age,

with all the tv ads saying,

"sex, sex, sex,"

and your friends saying,

"sex, sex, sex,"

and the music videos saying,

"sex, sex, sex,"

and your parents saying,

"how was school today?"

a lot different in my day.

You know, in my day, the girls

wore skirts and dresses,

and if your girlfriend said

the "f" word, it was "fiancé."

we put girls up on a pedestal,

and it wasn't just to look up

their dresses.

But I guess we were wrong,

'cause in the last 20 years,

the women have gone

for the equality thing,

and they've almost worked

their way down to our level.

Almost.

Although I have yet to see

a woman

actually scratch herself

at the table.

I don't get it, though.

Because being equal to, say,

a member of possum lodge

is pretty much an insult.

But I don't understand it.

Then, again,

if I understood women,

I wouldn't be where I am today.

Thought I'd drop in

on ranger gord

and ask him

about this nest business

and make sure

that he didn't panic

when he saw old man sedgwick's

cottage blow up this morning.

What did you think when old man

sedgwick's place exploded

up at rock reef point

this morning?

Exploded?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Didn't you see the flame

and the smoke?

It burned

for over an hour.

Can't catch 'em all.

No, no, I guess not.

Anyway,

on this nest thing,

you know that bird,

the blue heron there --

now, what do they do

to their nest

to get it ready

for the winter?

Well, most birds will only be

in the nest

in the springtime

for mating.

Can I say "mating" on tv?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, if the nest

is only for mating,

I don't think old man sedgwick

needs one of them.

No, no, no.

I don't see him having a woman

in his little nest.

I can't see him dating

a real, live woman.

No, he's out there alone.

Alone.

Staring at the clouds.

Till every cloud reminds him

of a woman named gretchen.

Oh, gretchen!

All right, gord,

all right, all right.

[ crying ]

gretchen.

All right.

Who could have shared his nest

and laid his eggs

and hatched his chicks.

All right, never mind,

go...

All right, gordon.

Don't worry about --

okay, gord, thanks very much.

That was very helpful.

And, listen,

we'll see you again soon.

How soon?!

Soon.

When exactly?!

Soon, that's all.

Sooner than never.

How's that?

Okay.

I can live with that.

All right, good.

I'll see myself down.

Yeah.

Don't follow me, gord.

I'll watch you go.

Well, old man sedgwick has run

into a few problems

building his big nest.

He's been studying the heron and

trying to imitate them exactly,

but he's found

that his false teeth

make it real hard to pick up

some of the bigger 2x4s.

Did he not think to use

his hands?

Does this not occur

to him?

Well, he's a bit of a purist,

you know, harold.

He wants his nest

to be authentic --

you know,

for resale value.

And if the heron is building his

with a beak

and about

the same size brain,

he should be able to do it,

too.

So,

he took the false teeth out

to get himself a better grip

with his gums,

and the heron swooped down,

picked the teeth up,

and flew off.

And, golly,

there is nothing so unnerving

as seeing a large water bird

flying over the lodge

with a big, toothy grin.

You know, uncle red,

I heard that old man sedgwick

came to his senses

and he's completely abandoned

this nest idea.

Well, you're half right.

He abandoned the idea.

But he's gonna build himself

a whole new different

type of home.

Gonna be all-season,

all year 'round.

And still keeping

the back-to-nature theme...

He's gonna build

a great big beehive.

Ha.

Well, why doesn't that

surprise me? [ laughs ]

and if that doesn't

work out,

he's gonna get 90 miles of yarn

and spin a cocoon.

Or he may end up digging

an anthill.

[ chuckles ]

man, oh, man.

Let's just hope he's never heard

of the dung beetle.

[ screeching ]

there's the call to meeting,

uncle red.

Yeah, you go ahead, harold.

I'll be right down.

Well, on a personal note,

if my wife is watching,

you know, I take a look

at old man sedgwick

and I have to think

how lucky I am to be married

and to have a real nice home

and not to be anything like him,

and I really feel that I have

you to thank for that.

And I want to just show

my appreciation,

so right after the meeting,

I'm gonna come straight home,

and I'm gonna build,

just for you,

a combination garden shed

and bird feeder out of waffles.

Don't mention it.

Okay, so, the rest of you,

thanks very much for watching.

On behalf of harold and myself

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

all rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Welcome to the meeting.

I'd like to tell you that don

and gord and claude and barry

have finished

completely rewiring

the basement of the lodge.

Let's hear it.