Guinness World Records

Red and the guys try to find creative ways to get into the Guinness Book of World Records.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Harold at the Office, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Talking Animals, Adventures With Bill, Famous People In Possum Lake History

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: You know, people wonder how we develop the ideas. We have writers around the table, but it takes an unusual kind of writer to write for this show, because you have to have some kind of mechanical sense or engineering background– a brain doesn't hurt, either. And for this handyman tip in the show, the snow blocker thing, somebody had the idea that, you know, the snowplow goes by, puts snow back in your driveway, you had to have some way of– some device that would block the snowplow from putting snow in your driveway. So anyway, we all thought it was a good idea, but, uh, it was like a high level meeting of NASA, the bunch of us trying to figure out how could this mechanically work {he moves one hand in a horizontal motion to his left} when you've got something going this way {he flips his other hand} and try to make something go that way. And we made little models and pictures and everything... About an hour later, somebody wrote it up, and I was convinced that, okay, it'll work, and we shot it. {he puts his hands on his heads as if trying to visualize} And then I saw it, and you're gonna see it in this show, and it's... I'm still not sure that that works anywhere, even in a person's imagination, but... Doesn't matter, we did another show after it anyway.

Transcript
{Red is walking along in wintertime, dressed in a jacket, snow boots and wearing skunk-themed oven mitts on his hands.}

RED GREEN: Here's a way to get back at that darn snowplow driver. He always waits 'til you've shoveled out your whole driveway before he comes roaring down the street and fills you all back in. Well, no more.

''{He shows off a sheet of plywood lying in the snow, in front of two oil drums. A post sticks out of one of the post, which is attached by rope to the plywood. The other side of the rope is tied to a plank laying at a cockeyed angle.}''

RED GREEN: I call this the snow blocker. You get a barrel on each side of your driveway. You stick a post in one of the sides. Then you lay down a half a sheet of plywood on the road. Then you're gonna need about a... oh, about a ten-foot plank and a chunk of rope to tie the whole unit together. {He hears the sound of a snowplow coming.} Oh, here comes the snowplow. Let's see this baby in action.

''{The snowplow runs over the plank, which drops down, which in turn causes the rope tied to the plank to pull on the plywood on the road. The plywood rises up, making a little barrier against the snow being pushed by the snowplow. Once the plow passes by, the plank is raised back to its angled position and the plywood falls back down}''

Intro
{Red walks into the Lodge, holding a rolled-up newspaper, and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Appreciate it. Lot of excitement up at the Lodge this week. {holds up newspaper} According to the story in the local paper, "The Possum Lake Daily Movement", y'know who's coming to town? The Guinness people! Y'know, the Guinness world book of records there? They're all comin' here and seein' if anybody in the Possum Lake area can, uh, set a record, but in a good way for a change. 'Course, all the Possum Lodge members want to get into the book, you know? So I'm saying to them, "Take something that you do now and just expand it to world-class proportions." Like, Moose Thompson's trying to go the longest without eating a salad. So far, he's up to 47 years.

''{Dalton and Winston enter the Lodge. Dalton is moving very slowly, because he has a toilet plunger on his head, atop the handle of which he is balancing a plate. Winston is holding a coffee cup in one hand and a record book, occasionally sipping from the cup.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: What do you think, Red? Ever seen anyone do this?

RED GREEN: Not sober.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Don't you be snarky, just 'cause you've never tried anything like this.

RED GREEN: {to Dalton} Well, if I ever did, I'd probably go with a new plunger. {to Winston} What about you, Winston? Uh, you goin' for a world record or anything?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {holding up book} Oh, yeah, I plan on gettin' into this book, but in a much more subtle way.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, longest running good mood by anybody in the sewage business?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Nah. No, Red, I plan on drinking the most consecutive cups of coffee ever recorded in the history of coffee drinking. Yeah, I plan on consuming two cups an hour...

RED GREEN: Yeah...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...for 16 hours a day, seven days a week.

RED GREEN: Wow!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yep. That's a staggering total of 224 cups of coffee in a row.

RED GREEN: Holy smoke. Y'know, it may not take you a whole week, 'cause after the third day, you won't have to stop for sleep!

{Winston nods.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: What about you, Red? Isn't there anything you can do to set a world record?

RED GREEN: Well, I could, but that's kind of... between Bernice and I. I'm pretty sure they don't have that category.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {looking at record book} Oh, no, snoring's in here.

{Dalton and Winston turn to leave the Lodge.}

Harold at the Office
{Harold is talking on the phone.}

HAROLD GREEN: {softly} Yes, I understand. Yes, it's all very hush-hush, I realize. {moves phone from one ear to the other} I know. I– all righty. What? Two o'clock is a good time. If I'm there, I'm there.

{Red walks up.}

RED GREEN: What's goin' on, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {startled} What?! Nothing!

''{Harold accidentally knocks several of the desk papers everywhere and drops the phone. He feverishly picks it back up.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {talking on phone} Yes. Okay, bye, Dave. Joe! Joe! I said Joe! Yeah. No, you misheard me!

{Harold puts the phone back on the cradle and looks at Red.}

HAROLD GREEN: Hi, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Calling the C.I.A., Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {whispering} No, no! That was an invitation to have lunch with a headhunter!

RED GREEN: {loudly} What the heck's a headhunter?

HAROLD GREEN: {covering his uncle's mouth} Hush! A headhunter is a person whose job it is to lure employees away from their company and go work at another company. {eagerly} I might get an offer to work at a rival company!

RED GREEN: Oh, man, Harold! If we got companies fighting over guys like you, we're in big trouble!

{Red picks up an empty rolling chair from an empty office cubicle next to Harold's, pulls it over beside Harold and sits down.}

HAROLD GREEN: {rolls his eyes} I'm going to go. I love working here. They always make me feel so special. It's a wonderful place.

RED GREEN: Right...

{Suddenly, a male voice speaks over the P.A. system, grabbing the attention of everyone in the room.}

MAN'S VOICE ON P.A.: Attention, please, employees of Multicorp, Inc., and its subsidiaries. Today, a cherished employee...

COMPUTER VOICE ON P.A.: Kolompar, Emile, G., is retiring after 25 years with the company.

MAN'S VOICE ON P.A.: I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say to you...

COMPUTER VOICE ON P.A.: Kolompar, Emile, G.

MAN'S VOICE ON P.A.: Thanks. That is all.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, I might go talk to those headhunters just for a little while.

''{Harold runs off and almost runs into a female coworker as he does so. Red watches him leave.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to all you older guys out there for a minute. You know the expression, "Don't get mad, get even"? Sounds simple enough, doesn't it? But actually, the difference between getting mad and getting even is about 25 years. I don't just mean in prison time. I mean in age, 'cause when you're young, you get mad at everything: school, your parents, your team, your car, everybody else's car. You're spending all your time getting mad; you've got no time to get even. Then when you get older, you got the time to get even, you haven't got the energy to get mad. So here's what I say you do: you older guys, you've had the time to get mad. Now you should focus on getting even. Now, as you get older, eh, maybe some young punk flips you the bird for driving too slow. You can get even by going 100 miles with your left turn signal on. Oh, yeah. Or you can get even by ignoring concepts like "Do Not Enter" or "First Come, First Serve". {softly, to himself, looking away from the camera} Yeah, boy, that day's coming, too, isn't it? The bunch of us, we're all up there in years, and we all show at the buffet at the same time with the walkers and the oxygen tanks and the I.V. things... {normal voice, back to the camera} That's another way to get even, your mind drift, you know? I'll tell you, if you get old enough, you get even just by being alive. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all getting even together.

Real-World References

 * The two "Guinness" companies mentioned in this episode are the Guinness World Records and St. James's Gate Brewery, the makers of Guinness Draught.