The Four-Man Raft/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: And now it's time

for that show

that answers

the philosophical question,

"if a tree falls in the forest

and lands on a guy's head,

"and, you know, a bunch of bees

come out of the branches

and right into his pants,

does he make a sound?"

well, the answer's "yes."

believe me, I know.

Anyway, here's a man who has

a bunch of sounds of his own,

the star of

"the red green show,"

a man I like to call "uncle"

even when he doesn't have me

in the headlock,

here he is, mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you,

and welcome to possum lodge.

I'm red green,

head of this possum lodge,

which is chapter 11.

And you've already met

my nephew harold,

who's been sconned on the head

by his share of trees

falling in the forest.

Uh, harold is actually

the producer

and director of the show,

whatever that means.

It happens to mean

that when I push these buttons,

this happens.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ laughs ]

anyway, lots of stuff going on

up at the lodge this week.

We're getting

a brand-new four-man raft.

So there's probably gonna be

a lot of arguing

about which four guys are

gonna get to go in that first.

And besides, another thing

that was going on was --

a bunch of us like to just

kind of work on our own cars.

So we thought we'd build

one of them mechanic's pits

like they have

at the gas station.

So we thought

we just would dig it.

Then we all got

a bunch of shovels and picks

and hockey sticks,

and we went out there.

Actually, the way it worked

was that moose thompson

and helmut wintergarden

were the only ones

that were digging the trench.

And the rest of us kind of stood

there leaning on our tools.

So it looked like a real

professional government job.

But they got her dug --

they got her dug pretty fast

'cause the ground was real soft,

although hacking through

the waterline took some time.

But they got her all done there,

and it was long enough that

we could get six cars on that.

And we just would straddle

the ditch right up there.

Just 1, 2, 3,

bang, bang, bang, bang.

And then we all crawled

under our own vehicles

and started working on them.

Unfortunately, like I said,

the ground was a little soft.

And one side started to cave,

and then all the cars

started rolling over.

And they all

ended up right upside --

whoa, boy!

What happened to the guys

working under the cars?

Well, the cars

went so slow, you see,

that a guy could actually open

the driver's door

and climb up over the seat

and go right out

the passenger door.

So we ended up with six cars

lying there upside down.

Boy.

You don't see that every day.

No, no, not since moose

got fired

from that job

valet parking.

This is cool.

It's like that town

in texas

where they got

those six cadillacs

buried in the ground

and only their tails stick out.

It's really avant-garde

and très cool.

Oh, yeah, and it's

a major tourist attraction.

I guess they must have

dug their mechanic's pit

in the same kind of sandy soil

that we've got, eh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, let's get the show

rolling, harold.

Hopefully

not into the ground.

[ laughs ]

I -- so, all righty then.

[ keyboard clacking ]

oh, is that

raft here?

Yeah.

Where should I put it?

How about

inside a large tire?

Set it on the couch

there, duane.

That's a raft?

That's your idea

of a four-man raft?!

Yep.

Murray's own brand.

That's not a raft!

That's a piece

of homemade crap!

That's a kindergarten

science project!

Well, the duct tape

is a nice touch.

Well, enjoy it, douglas.

Let's go, duane.

Hold it, murray!

Hold it, duane.

I'm not paying

for this!

Oh, well,

you already have, remember?

I want a refund --

with interest!

Oh, that's good, douglas.

I like that.

But we have a policy

about returning items.

Oh? What's that?

We don't!

This is not a raft!

A raft

has a bow and a stern!

Well, this one

has lots of side.

How can you call this

a four-man raft?!

Well, maybe

it's out of a 4x4.

How do you put

the motor on?

Well, it hangs

in the middle there.

I'm real impressed,

murray.

Calling that a raft

takes lots of guts.

Murray, if you value

your reproductive abilities,

you will get this

out of here

and very quickly

give me back my money!

Your money?

[ laughs ]

it's the lodge's money,

douglas.

Let's go, duane.

Okay, murray.

Hold it, murray!

Forget it, douglas.

Let's go, duane.

Okay, murray.

Hold it, duane!

Okay, douglas.

Ignore him, duane.

Okay, murray.

No one move!

[ air hissing ]

both: Pretty to look at,

lovely to hold.

But if you break it,

consider it sold.

That's our creed,

you know?

[ both laugh ]

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ you can learn

a lot at parties ♪

♪ as we did last night ♪

♪ we learned that fat people

aren't always jolly ♪

♪ and you should

never dare someone ♪

♪ to throw bullets

in the fire ♪

we learned

from that one.

♪ we learned that alcohol

and power tools don't mix ♪

♪ and we learned

that the fire department ♪

♪ doesn't always arrive

soon enough ♪

♪ to make any tangible

difference ♪

[ hammering ]

this week

on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

some things you can do

with all of those oil drums

that you have lying around

your house, like everybody does.

Now, we're not too bad here

up at the lodge

because we can use them

for flotation for the dock

or maybe make a couple ashtrays

out of them, you know?

But maybe some of you

want to be more stylish

'cause you're actually concerned

with what other people think.

So I suggest

you do something like this.

You take a cold chisel

and a persuader of some kind.

And you just drive a hole

in the end of the drum.

What you have there

is just an ideal piggy bank

for the youngsters.

[ coins clang ]

that's enough.

What you can do there, too,

is just weld

a hunk of chain on here

and just hang it

over the little fellow's neck,

and he can go out on Halloween

and collect for unicef.

And once he gets filled up,

of course,

you can drop her on her side,

and you can use it

to roll the lawn.

Or you can just knock the lid

off the thing,

and there's

your college education paid for,

if that's the way

you care to spend your money.

Another thing you can do

is be getting a little chisel

or a screwdriver

and pry the lid off.

Or you could use whatever you

got in you pockets, you know?

Your car keys

or a bottle opener...

Or a business card or whatever.

[ banging ]

just comes off

as easy as pie, too.

Okay, once you've done that,

you can use the lid

as a serving tray,

and you can cover it all

with crackers.

And then you fill

your oil drum with pâté.

Or, if you're on a budget,

just use peanut butter

with anchovies in it.

The guest can take

a cracker...

Scoop it into the -- oh, boy.

Oh, that looks great,

doesn't it?

Okay, maybe we should have

rinsed the oil

out of there first.

But if you're having a party

and you got 3,000 guests or so

coming, I'm telling you,

an oil drum full of pâté

is gonna just serve everybody.

You're gonna run out of crackers

way before you run out of pâté.

And the beauty of it is

with this system,

that when the party's over,

just pop the lid back on there

and run a bead of silicone

caulking around the outside,

and that'll keep indefinitely

without refrigeration.

We've had this particular pâté

since, uh...

That was in the '40s, I think.

And if you're good

with a cutting torch, you know,

you can really go to town

on these units.

You can cut up

the oil drums

into all kinds

of different things.

[ torch hissing ]

love seats or patio furniture

or some kind

of a decorative awning --

just all kinds of things.

You know, another idea

is a bird-feeding station.

You know, with one of these,

you're talking about a 50-gallon

bird-feeding station.

You only have to fill

that sucker once a year.

[ explosion ]

okay, so, there you got yourself

a dandy bird feeder.

And, you know, just as a joke,

you can fill that thing up

with oat bran.

The birds will eat that, and

they'll wish they'd gone south.

But you're gonna have

the best lawn on the street.

Here's something else

you can do with an oil drum.

You can build yourself

a doorbell

that you can hear from any room

in the house.

You just get a pretty heavy,

little persuader such as this,

and you hang it

from one of your rafters

or the doorknob of your bedroom,

whatever.

And you have that hanging down.

You line it up with an oil drum.

And then you put the hammer

over the door.

And then when anyone arrives,

it swings in,

and you can really hear --

I'll show you how it works.

This is gonna be the sound

you're gonna hear

when your guests arrive.

[ air whistling ]

[ clattering, glass shattering ]

okay, you got to watch

for the type of knot

that you use on that.

Okay, for this next thing now,

you're gonna need

a picnic table.

You can buy a picnic table

or you can build your own

or if you have

a decent chain cutter,

you can get one free

from a conservation area.

And another thing

you're gonna need

is a couple of these steel rods.

These are what

they call reinforcing rods

they use

for the construction crews.

But, you know, you can horse

them right out of the concrete

if you get there before it sets.

That's how I learned

all my italian swear words.

And the next thing you're gonna

need is what we call a hole saw.

And to use that --

you're gonna punch some holes

in each end of the oil drums

and also into the picnic table.

[ saw buzzing ]

so, what you have is an

industrial-strength "t" wagon.

You're right, harold.

You know, it does look

like fred flintstone's car.

Anyway, why don't we put

our pâté up here?

Whoa!

[ grunting ]

and we're all set

to go serve our guests.

Uh, so, remember --

until next time,

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ clears throat ]

yabba-dabba-doo!

[ grunting ]

[ crashing ]

well, I guess

we'll just eat here.

[ dog barking ]

hey, you get away from there!

Get away from there!

Get away! Get away from there!

[ thunder rumbling ]

"it is spring.

"I plucked the petals

from a flower.

"she loves me.

She loves me not.

"she loves me.

She loves me not.

"I pluck another flower.

"she loves me.

She loves me not.

"I pluck another flower.

She loves me not.

"another flower, and another,

until there was one flower left.

"she loves me.

She loves me not.

"she loves me.

"oh, good. She loves me.

The gardener, on the other hand,

hates my guts."

well, the situation

with the lodge members' cars

is still up in the air --

or, I should say,

down in the ground.

And the four-man raft has caused

some unpleasant feelings, too.

Actually, I should say

there's some unpleasant smell.

I mean, that rubbery odor --

boy, it's like old gym socks.

The only time we get that smell

is thanksgiving

when eddie makes

one of his pumpkin pies.

Yeah, it's been going "pbht!"

for about 20 minutes now.

The thing's scaring me.

Why doesn't douglas just,

you know, write it off?

What's 60 bucks?

Well, my van was 60 bucks,

harold.

Yeah, and you were able to

write off that loss, you know?

Why can't douglas

do the same?

Well, harold, you know,

it's tough for a man

to admit that he's made

a mistake, you know?

The whole point

of being a man

is just to tough

these things through,

see them through,

you know, take a stand.

Show some leadership

and others will follow.

Well, that way,

you have six cars upside down

instead of just one.

Basically, yes.

But that way, you end up

looking equally stupid

with everybody else,

you see?

And that's okay.

It's a male-pride thing,

you know,

something that you'll understand

when you're older...

And male.

Oh. Okay.

[ air hissing ]

this is not a boat, red.

I've worked this marina

all my life.

I've seen skiffs, ketches,

everything -- you know, kayaks.

This is not a boat.

So it doesn't have

a lot of trade-in value then.

Well, if you brought me

something in

that was

more boatlike, red.

You know,

like an old apple crate

or an old bathtub

or something.

Nope, I haven't got

anything like that.

Well, I can give you

a buck for it.

Douglas paid 1,200.

1,200 what -- dollars?

Oh, yeah.

I can't see

this particular item

being worth 1,200 bucks

anywhere, red.

Unless there's a $1,000 bill

in that tackle box or something.

[ hissing continues ]

you know,

it boggles my mind

when I look at the size

of this tire,

to imagine the r.V.

That this would fit,

this tire here.

It has to be 100 feet long

and 30 feet wide...

Easy.

Yeah, well,

douglas was wondering --

maybe you could just kind of

trade us even for a wooden punt.

Oh, yeah, right.

[ laughs ]

well, an r.V. That big,

you could have

a spiral staircase in there.

[ hissing continues ]

yeah, well, I'll go tell

douglas the bad news, glen.

I mean, it would sit

so high off the ground

that you could have

a basement...

An actual basement.

Well, uh, thanks

for your time, glen.

I got to get back

to work.

All right, red.

Imagine trying to back up

an r.V. That big.

I mean,

imagine trying to back up

something 100 feet long

into a parking spot at the mall.

I mean, you'd need those big,

huge side mirrors, you know?

What -- what am I thinking?

Something that big would have to

come with that standard on it.

You would have everything

standard equipment

on that thing!

There would be no options.

That would be a dreamboat.

Well, sorry, dolores.

It's just that

"pie in the sky" stuff, honey.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Well, call 911.

It's time

for "adventures with bill."

uh, bill said

we're gonna do some archery,

so I brought a bow

and a couple of arrows.

But that's not the way

he had in mind.

He just chucked those

out of there.

This, I thought,

was a little presumptuous.

Man: Hey!

That was a fitting response,

I felt.

What he wanted to do was

he wanted to go into the woods

and make our own bows and arrows

just from whatever

we could find in the woods.

So, it's amazing

how fast you can find stuff

when you're filming.

And I came out with what

I thought was a good stick.

And bill's gonna make that

into some type of a bow.

I mean, I don't ask because

bill, he knows what he's doing.

I'm just kind of, you know,

poking my way along.

I'm using the logic

and common sense.

He's using a lot of book reading

in his stuff.

Anyway, I got my bow done,

and he got his done.

A little different.

His is more of a repeater,

I guess was the thought there.

I didn't question it, though.

Now he wanted to go find

some little sticks

to use for the shafts

of the arrows.

So I saw something lying there

I thought would be adequate.

But, bill, you know,

he's a bit of a perfectionist.

He just wants just -- now,

to me, that tree seemed dead.

But I guess he just wanted it

out of the --

I think he wanted just to

get that out of the way.

There -- well, but then bill's

really the woodsman.

But he did find

something there. Yeah.

He could have just got that

and then -- oh, I see.

Do a little plowing.

And now he's back, and --

thank you, bill.

Now we're gonna carve out

the shafts of the --

again here

with the arrow shafts,

he picked one

that I thought was a little --

well, I lost my temper.

Anyway, we tied stones

onto the shafts of the arrows,

so that would be --

well, that would be

the arrowhead.

And bill's was pretty generous.

Then we snip off the string.

That's the little leaves

we use for the feathers.

And it was kind of fun.

And bill put a target

up on the tree,

and it started to feel

like day camp.

You know, there's mine,

and there's bill's.

So I loaded mine up,

and I gave her a try.

How's that, robin hood?

And now bill's gonna probably

split that arrow with his.

It could happen, I guess.

[ sloop! ]

not too likely.

So we abandoned -- look at this.

Now, you see, bill is...

He whips that out,

and the bang almost --

yikes!

Now we've got enough

to make bows and arrows

for the whole lodge.

Well, that four-man raft

has really come in handy

for getting the cars

out of the ditch.

What we do is we slide

the deflated tube

in underneath the cars,

and then we start pumping it up,

and it presses up

against the roof of the car.

And when she gets up to 60,

70 pounds,

the car just pops

right out of there

and lands right on its wheels.

But, of course,

murray and douglas

are still

at each others' throats.

Douglas hired a skywriter

to go up and fly over the store

and say,

"do not shop at murray's."

wa-a-a!

Is that ever neat --

exposing a guy

with letters 500 feet high.

Yeah, but, unfortunately,

the pilot bought the smoke

canister at murray's store.

So, you know, it misfired.

And what he ended up writing

was, "donut shop at murray's."

so murray and duane are making

a fortune selling donuts.

And, of course,

douglas won't admit

he made a mistake,

you know?

Oh, yeah. Well, it's that

male-pride thing, right? Yeah.

See, you're lucky

you don't suffer

from that,

like, male-ego thing.

No, no, not really, no.

Geez, it's too bad more men

can't be like you --

you know,

having nothing to be proud of.

[ screeching ]

is that that inner-tube thing

going again?

Nope, that's the call

of the wild possum.

The meeting

is about to come to order.

Come on, uncle red.

Let's get down there

and find out

what's going on.

Yeah, okay, harold.

Well, so far today,

we've had a car tune-up

turn into an auto graveyard,

and we've had a four-man raft

turn into a whoopee cushion.

Let's see what

the lodge meeting turns into.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

grab that chair.

He wants to start right away.

Helmut, sit down.

Hurry, before he gets here.

Here we go.

All rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Sit down.

The floor recognizes

douglas hendrychuck.

That man has no scruples!

Well, that's probably

from that hunting accident.

I mean

he has no ethics, red.

He sold us a four-man raft

that turned out to be

a donut with gas.

Well, you could have come down

and looked at it first,

but all you cared about

was the price.

See that? See that?

That's the last thing

you worry about

when you buy something

from me -- the price.

I am ordering

all the possum lodge members

to boycott murray's store

until I get a full refund

for the raft and the skywriter.

He can afford it

out of donut sales.

Well,

that is just fine!

All I ever get from you is,

"why is that so expensive?"

or "we can't afford that"

or "why does all your stock have

all these burn marks on them?"

well, you are not

getting a refund,

and I do not care if you ever

walk into my store again!

Your business

isn't worth keeping!

You are a crook!

Well, I'd rather be a crook

than a skinflint!

I admire people who make

definite career choices.

You know, ordinarily,

I'd put this to a vote.

But this is

a special problem

and it requires

a special solution.

A duel!

[ cheers and applause ]

get the fire extinguishers!

[ indistinct shouting ]

now, hold it!

Hold it!

You two guys

are gonna need seconds.

Duane, you like seconds.

You be murray's second.

Glen,

you be douglas' second.

Wa-a-a!

Oh, man.

Uh, douglas, be strong.

Be brave. Be brave.

All right, guys.

Assume the position.

Come on. Come on.

Back to back.

Belly to belly.

That's it.

Take the fire extinguishers.

Now, here's how it works.

You take three paces,

you turn, you fire.

You got it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right,

here we go!

Here we go!

One...

[ cheers and applause ]

oh, wow!

That ought to cool them off

for a while, huh?

Bill, harold,

get them into their seats.

All right, now I call

on their seconds

to work out

some kind of a compromise.

Well, uh...

If duane can cough up

that $60 refund,

I think I can find

another raft for 40 bucks.

How does that sound?

We can only give you $50

'cause the other $10

was the cost on that item.

Hmm.

I'll tell you what,

I'll give you 10 bucks

for the old inner tube,

and I'll throw that in,

and then we're there, right?

Done.

Done.

[ both laugh ]

all right, great.

What we're proposing --

just put that down, bill.

What we're proposing

is that murray's store

is gonna give us 50 bucks back

on the raft.

I'm gonna throw in

a sawbuck.

We're gonna get another $40

from the lodge kitty,

we can buy a new

four-man raft off glen.

All in favor?

[ muffled grumbling ]

[ muffled grumbling ]

[ extinguisher hisses ]

[ grumbling stops ]

all in favor, say "aye."

aye! Aye!

Aye! Aye!

Motioned carried.

Since there's

no other lodge business, right,

I'm gonna call on glen here

to give us a little

evening's entertainment.

[ cheering ]

wait a minute.

I'll get the lights

for you.

Thanks, red.

Where's that screen?

I got to get my screen there.

You're gonna like this one,

I think, douglas.

Well, it's nice to see

murray and duane

get what's coming to them.

None of their customers

ever have.

And douglas has learned

that you get what you pay for.

It's like my uncle clydesdale

used to say,

"if you buy the best,

you'll never regret it.

"but if you steal the best,

you'll never regret it and still

have money for a nice dinner."

and that's the philosophy

he maintained

throughout his prison term.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And I'm bringing the inner tube

so we can pop your mother

out of the bathtub.

Until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

glen: And that's the history

of the overpass.

First one right there.

Oh, right, this one --

can you see her?

The focusing --

this is a gelding farm.

For horses?

Yeah.

They just raise geldings.

That's all they do, yeah.

You got to plant them

pretty deep, don't you?

They're horses.

They're smart enough to go to

the r.V., I'll tell you that.