The Bigger The Better/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, as I get older,

I find that my reflexes

are really

slowing down

and my reaction time to, say,

an approaching brick

or a propane fireball

is really too slow

to be effective.

So what was happening is

I'm getting a lot of

head injuries,

and I'm afraid it's going

to start ammenting me

fectally --

I mean, affect --

no, that's right,

ammenting me fectally.

Ow!

So here's a

cheap, easy way

to protect what just

recently has become

the most important

part of your body...

Your brain.

Get yourself one of these

inflatable kids' life rings.

You can just grab

this off any kid,

but don't be a bully,

make sure it's a kid

who can swim.

This life ring is going

to become my brain bag.

I'm just letting

the air out of it

so I can fill it with,

that's right,

shaving cream.

It's kind of

like an air bag

but I'm not an air head,

so I'm using shaving cream.

I mean you could

use whipped cream,

but I want to

survive close shaves.

I don't want to get

whipped or creamed.

See, I still got

my sense of humour.

It hasn't ammented

me fectally.

Okay, I've connected the

shaving cream to

the life ring

by going through this

motion detector.

Now, if anything

approaches my head,

the detector will fill the

life ring with shaving cream

and cushion my melon so

that nothing can bean me.

Here, let me know you.

Let's say I was putting

in a supporting wall

and some of the duct

tape let go...

Sorry, instinct.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

all right. All right.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

A bit of a setback up at

the lodge this week.

The town of port asbestos

has come up with a new

tourist attraction,

the world's

biggest marshmallow.

This thing is huge.

They've got it

mounted on display

on the top of a hill,

90 feet in the air.

I mean, you can

see it for miles.

So everybody's going there

instead of coming here.

Now, I know it

shouldn't bother us

because in canada everybody's

nice, you know.

I think some days I'm just

not that canadian.

[ cheers and applause ]

hello.

Care for a port asbestos

marshmallow?

No, and quit

helping the enemy!

They're not the enemy.

They created attraction

for the whole area.

See my cool shirt?

Yeah, harold, you do

have a soft spot,

but the sign

is two feet low.

You shouldn't

be jealous.

You should congratulate

them on a very successful

tourism campaign.

Well, okay,

I'll tell you what,

they've made the world's

biggest marshmallow,

we'll have the world's

biggest bonfire and toast 'em.

How's that?

[ giggling ]

hey, I think you just

said something smart.

Really?

Yeah I know, I'm as

shocked as you are but...

That's what we should do.

We should have the

world's biggest something.

Well, you're the world's

biggest something,

but nobody would

pay to see it.

Anyway, we don't have

anything here, harold,

and port asbestos

just lucked out,

finding that

huge marshmallow.

It's not a real

marshmallow, uncle red.

Did you not see

where they put it?

Well, yeah, on that hill

where the water tower

used to be.

It must have cost

a fortune to move

that, eh?

That is the water tower.

They just painted it to

look like a marshmallow.

Well, that's not

going to fool

anybody.

Uncle red, that's

what we need to do.

We need to paint our

water tower to look like

an attraction of some sort.

Like what?

I don't know maybe

something medical.

It looks like

a... Umm...

A suppository.

Oh, yeah, sure,

great idea.

The world's largest

suppository

and we live where

they stuck it.

Oh yeah.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner receives

a free savings account at

possum lake savings & loan,

where you don't get

any of our loans

and we get all

of your savings.

All right, dalton,

cover your ears.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton humphreys

to say this word...

All right,

winston.

And go!

All right, dalton,

you have your wallet,

your wife has her...

Hand out.

Okay, no, but she carries

her money in her...

Tight little fist.

No, no, this is

something your wife

always carries with her.

A grudge?

Okay, no.

This is something a woman

gets everything in.

A divorce!

Okay, no, okay, okay.

A french woman calls this

her porte monnaie,

but an english woman

calls it her...

No, no, no!

Okay, dalton,

a woman never goes to the

powder room without her...

Friend?

Okay, okay.

This is something that

women have, okay?

Sometimes they have

shoulder straps

and they can be bulky,

it might be made of leather,

or it might even bulge

out at the seams.

It's called a...

Halter top.

No, no, no.

Red, almost out

of time, here.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, dalton,

where does your wife

keep her credit cards?

She hides them where

she knows I won't look.

And where is that?

On her person.

Yes? Yes! Yes!

Dalton:

You know the great

thing about fishing?

It's the sounds.

Red: Amen.

Nobody talking

at you, you know,

jabbering on and on

complaining about

everything

the way my daughter

does as if, you know,

whatever happened there's

always a kerfuffle

about it.

You know, it's like

the end of the world

because she dropped

her mascara in the toilet

and now she has to go

a whole day without

painting those

count dracula lines

around her eyes.

Forget that maybe there

are bigger issues

in the world

than, you know,

her eyelashes!

Of course, she's been

so spoiled and catered

to all her life,

dalton! Dalton!

I just get sick --

dalton!

What!?

What's so great

about fishing?

Oh.

Yeah, right.

Mike: Besides, you should

be saying this

to your daughter

not to us.

Dalton:

I can't talk to her,

she won't listen to me.

You don't talk to her,

she doesn't need to.

You know,

parenting is one of

the most difficult

things you'll ever do.

It's next to

unlocking an atm.

My parents were great.

I should call

them sometimes.

Well, my parents

lied to me.

They pretended they

had a happy marriage,

so I wanted to try it.

Thanks a lot.

Well, I had quite

a few dads

so I saw a lot of

different parenting

approaches.

Ignoring me was the

most common one.

But there were

a few of them

who took the

time to pass on

life skills.

I think it's called

aiding and abetting.

Well, my parents were

pretty strict, you know.

I was a pretty

miserable child,

not the happy-go-lucky

guy you know.

Red:

Boy, my parents weren't.

They let me do

anything I wanted.

Mike: Well, that just

goes to show you,

parents can do anything

and they'll screw it up.

Yeah, I think

the truth is

nobody knows how to

be a good parent.

You just try to let your

kid know that you care

about them,

and do the best you can.

You know, that might

be the wisest thing

you've ever said.

Gimme five.

Ha!

Who's your daddy?

I have no idea.

[ applause ]

you know, one of

the worst problems

you can have on a car

is lousy brakes.

A brake job is expensive

so naturally,

I have a better idea.

We had some relatives stay

with us last weekend.

I'll spare you the

grisly details,

but I did end up taking

them to the airport

nine hours before

their flight,

and they didn't mind.

But I noticed that when

the planes come in

they have these

flaps that they use

to help slow them down

when they're landing.

Like junior singleton does

with his ears when he's skiing.

They're big flaps that kind

of pop out of the body

and slow the plane down.

Old man sedgwick had

something pop out of his body,

sure slowed him down.

But that got me thinking,

can we add big

flaps to a car?

How would we do that?

If flaps are good enough

for an f-18 or a f-16,

they're good enough

for a f-o-r-d.

But we need more than

just the hood to open

so hook up a couple of

clothes line pulleys

and run a rope from the

hood ornament

down to each of your doors

and even the trunk lid.

Okay, are there any more

flaps on this car?

Too bad it doesn't

have a sunroof.

Hmm...

[ chuckles ]

okay, my new air brakes

are going to bring the car

to a screeching halt.

Okay, well maybe not

screeching because it's air,

but I'll be

able to stop

to the sound of

the wind I've made.

That's not right.

Anyway, you can see how easy

it is to make your own, fancy,

environmentally-friendly way

to stop your car.

When it comes to making

your own brakes,

don't let anybody

stop ya'.

Whatever...

Remember, if women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Now if you'll excuse me,

it's time for my lunch

or I should say,

my lunch brake.

[ cheers and applause ]

men have a reputation for

not being very good

communicators,

but you'll never

hear us say that.

Oh sure, we're not always

too good at expressing

our feelings.

But if we're planning

to actually do something,

you always

hear about it.

For instance, when a guy

gets up from the table

to go to the bathroom,

he never just quietly

excuses himself.

He tries to keep everybody

up to speed by saying,

a gotta take a wiz.

Loud enough to be heard

by everyone at the table

and ideally the

entire restaurant.

Now, he doesn't have to

do this, no one asked him to,

but he does it out

of common courtesy

just in case you think he's

leaving to invade

turkmanistan.

However, one area of

communication men excel at

is letting you know

how they feel.

Not emotionally

of course,

let's be real,

you know.

I'm talking about how

we're feeling physically,

especially if it's bad.

If a guy has a bad back,

bad cramps, bad ache

or bad gas...

You're going

to hear about it.

We're good communicators.

We're just really

bad listeners.

They should criticize

us for that,

or maybe they did.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in

this together.

At rothschild's,

we take full responsibility

for your septic system.

The suck stops here.

Well, we've all been

wracking our brains

trying to think of

something we could make

that would be the biggest

one in the world.

Possum lake qualifies as

the world's largest

stagnant pond,

not too many merchandising

opportunities there...

Maybe mosquito repellent

or something.

Now, harold's working on

the world's largest

roll of duct tape

but that's a

man's project

so I'm sure he's

having problems.

Uncle red?

Oh, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

I'm losing all the

hair on my knuckles.

Oh yeah, how

about your palms?

[ chuckles ]

I don't think it's

a very good idea.

No, no, although if

tourists do come up here,

they'll never leave.

The world's

largest fly strip.

Don't worry

about it, harold,

I've got the answer.

This is a scale model

of the kind of silos

we have all around

the area here.

We just paint these up

and call it like,

the world's largest

nail or something.

Oh, I know.

I've got an idea.

The ladies

will love this.

What?

The world's

biggest lipstick.

Well, yeah, yeah,

and you could stand

beside it

and we'd have the

world's biggest lipstick

and the world's

biggest dipstick.

Uncle red, you know we have

these creative sessions.

You're supposed to

be sensitive to the

feelings of others.

Oh yeah?

Okay, here's what

we're doing, harold.

I'm thinking we paint all

the silos all different

colours, okay,

and we call them the

world's biggest

crayons, eh?

The kids'll love it,

the parents'll love it.

What about seniors?

Well, they hate

everything.

They'll just come up

and complain, you know.

Hey, gramps, c'mon up and

see another stupid waste

of money

that would've never

been allowed in

your day.

You know,

that kind of thing.

I think you're onto a real

winner of an idea here.

Pardon me?

Wow, that was weird.

Yeah, that's very weird.

I like your idea.

Oh, boy.

I think we should

do what you say.

Wow.

I know, that's...

Okay, well...

Let's go, I guess.

Am I losing it?

You never had it,

harold.

[ applause ]

red:

Mike had invited bill

to come out a play squash.

Bill had never

played squash before

and was not familiar

with the game,

but he had the sweatsuit on

so mike got down

to his shorts and...

I'm not sure the bill

knows how to get down

to his --

that's not what we mean by --

that's unfortunate,

there must have been

a gravity spot there.

Anyway, mike's got

the outfit on.

Bill, what are

you wearing?

Bill, what is that?

No, that's not.

There's something --

that's just wrong, you know.

So, of course, mike has

the regular squash racket.

Bill doesn't know what

a regular squash racket is

so he apparently

had brought a banjo.

No, that's not...

So he puts that aside

for the moment.

He did actually have

a real squash racket.

Now, mike puts

the goggles on.

Bill has -- what have you

got there in your hand?

It's an... Owww...

That's an odd

place to carry --

no, that's not where

the racket goes, bill.

Not at all, no.

Now, again, when bill

heard the word squash,

he thought that you played

with a real squash,

which he had

brought with him.

No bill, no, that's not --

you play with a little,

round...

There, it's a little,

round squash ball.

Okay, so now they got to

decide who's going to serve.

Apparently what they do

is they've got the label

on one side and nothing

on the other

so you spin it and

somebody picks it.

Mike picked

the label side.

So bill spins the racket

and away it fli --

and uhh...

And mike just kicks

it over, finally.

Okay, so it's the other side

so I guess that means

bill's going to serve.

So bill gets up,

goes up there, comes back,

mike volleys, no ball.

Where's the ball?

Where's the ball?

It's in his racket.

Okay.

All right.

Easy, easy easy.

Okay, now it's

mike's serve.

He fires it up, high,

comes down bounces below

going up into his shorts.

No, I hope that's

not an injury.

No, he's okay.

Mike's going to hit it.

Bill says no.

Okay, the mark is still --

I'm not going to ask.

It's none of my business.

No, no, no, no.

Moving right along.

Okay, so where

they go again.

Nice couple of

volleys here.

Up and she goes and then

mike volleys her back and --

on this one, got a little

too close to the wall.

Okay, now what.

Oh, I know, the banjo.

So he gets the banjo out.

He serves her up there

and then --

when mike swings,

he hits the light switch.

Okay, so now they're

playing squash --

okay, now this is --

now, you know, you know.

Okay, okay, this is wrong.

This is -- ohh....

So bill comes over,

flips the light on.

Oh boy...

And that see through outfit

is not working for him at all.

There's the ball and that's

how squash got it's name.

Remember when you got your

vcr so you could tape

all those shows you

didn't have time to watch

only to realize that you

didn't have time to watch

the tapes either?

Of course now you've

got a dvd.

So what do you do

with all your old tapes?

Well, you could mail

them to a friend.

Just drop them into a bag

and then seal them up with

your new string dispenser.

Or how about this one,

a cassette clock?

Just mount a clock motor

on to one of the reels

and then mark off the

seconds, minutes and hours

onto the tape

with a white pen.

The clock motor runs so slow

that a 180-minute tape

takes exactly 12 hours

to get to the end,

so then you just take

the motor off one

and move it over to

the other reel

and wind the

whole thing back.

I mean the numbers are

going by outside-down

but I'm sure you

get used to it.

Here's another one,

here's a hint for you.

You know, every cassette has

a ratchet inside

that stops the tape from

slipping back the other way.

Well, there's a button

way down deep inside.

If you can push that with

something like a golf tee,

it lets the tape

come out freely.

Have you figured

it out yet?

That's right...

Okay, now for reeling

her back in,

use the window winder

from the driver's side

of a '62 chev belair.

If you can't get a belair

you could substitute

a pontiac strato chief.

Newer models

might work too,

if I owned one,

I'd know for sure.

Oh, I got one!

Now, if you're left-handed

you could just flip

the rod over

but you'd have to

reel the other way

so you'd need the window

winder from the passenger side.

Oh man, I've caught

this fish before.

It's a re-run.

[ applause ]

this brain storm of mine

is going to put possum lake

on the michelin guide.

We're going to be the top

tourist destination

in the world.

Oh sure, you can go to rome

if you want to see

the eiffel tower,

but it you want to see

the world's biggest crayons,

you're going to have

to come right here.

Uncle red?

Yeah?

I'm here

with bad news.

Harold, you here

is bad news.

Well, you know this idea

of painting the silo,

how I couldn't think of

anything that might

go wrong?

Yes.

Well, I thought

of something.

Well it's too late,

harold,

the silos are

all painted.

See, that's the problem.

Yeah, 'cause silos,

they're usually silver

to reflect the sun's heat,

but now that since

you've painted them

and I'm guessing

not white, right?

Well, uh, no, green

and brown and purple

and flat black.

Oh, flat black...

Can you imagine the heat

that's building up

inside that silo?

Well, so what?

I mean,

what's in them?

Corn!

[ explosions ]

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you know, you

should get a head start.

You may need

extra butter.

Wow.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

I tried making the world's

biggest crayons,

and I came this close to

being the world's

biggest dufus.

Thank goodness

for harold.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge...

Keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down. Sit down.

Sit down back there.

Meeting's coming

to order, guys.

Everybody's got to sit down.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change

if I have to...

I guess.

Okay men,

the bad news is

that until all the explosions

have stopped,

we're going to have to stay

down here in the basement.

The good news is,

it's movie night.

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