The Winter Carnival

To keep themselves and their wives up at Possum Lake during the winter, Red and his pals stage a winter-themed carnival.

Cast (in order of Appearance):, , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Handyman Corner, The Experts, Adventures With Bill, If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 2; The Red Green Show – 1997 Season

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: "The Winter Carnival" is one of the episodes out of our seventh season, actually. You can probably look at my beard and pretty much decide what season we're in. Couple things that stood out for me in this episode: well, one of my personal favorite Handymans of all time, making a Zamboni out of a K-car, the idea that you can sit on a bar stool on the hood of a car and kick out the windshield, and, uh... and– and– and– and drive it that way so that it's steering from behind, like a Zamboni. I don't know, it's just... very few people get a chance to do that, and so I feel very honored. And then the other segment was the Adventure, doing the– We did a Luge thing, but the trouble was, we weren't shooting 'til March. We used to have snow in Canada in March. I mean, now you don't know what you've got. So when you take a look at the Luge, if you take a look right at the edge of the frame, you'll see that... the only snow left in the world was in that ditch, and the rest– everybody else was in bathing suits. Part of the problem of global warming, I guess.

Transcript
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, here he is, a man who walks softly but leaves a big print, your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green!

''{Harold gestures toward the front door, through which Red enters, wearing a coat. Outside, it visibly white with snow. Red waves to the audience, who applauds. He then waves the noise to die down.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. It's, uh, kind of a rough week on the personal side there this week. Bernice and I, we have some friends that have retired and moved to Florida and Bernice is thinking that maybe we should do the same thing.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow, that's a bit of a challenge, Uncle Red. Huh! What're you gonna retire from?

RED GREEN: The thankless job of not hurting you, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: How come you don't wanna go down to Florida? It'd be great down there! Down there amongst the warmth and all the other old people and stuff.

RED GREEN: {stares} Other old people?

HAROLD GREEN: Did I say "old people"?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: You know what I meant? I meant "older people". 'Cause, y'know, I mean, you are older than some things, y'know, like trees...

RED GREEN: {shaking his head} No, I– No, I don't– I don't wanna go down there. I don't wanna go down south. It's like– It's like an elephant burial ground down there, you know? {pantomiming what he says} It's a gathering of people with great big ears and wrinkled skin and they... kinda lumber around the parks, you know? At least, with elephants, they don't forget everything.

HAROLD GREEN: They don't carry golf clubs in their trunks. {laughs out loud} Trunks, like... {mimics an elephant trumpeting while holding out his arm like a elephant's trunk} Elephants! Right? Because elephants, they have trunks! But you know what would happen if you did go... {struggles for words} would be, uh, you know, you might make all sorts of new friends. {Red looks uneasy} Okay, well, Aunt Bernice might make friends.

RED GREEN: No, no, no. No, I don't wanna go. In fact, what I'm doing is, every time there is an article in the paper of a plane crash, I cut it out and show it to Bernice so she won't wanna fly anywhere, you know? All I gotta do is, convince her that Possum Lake is a great place to be in the winter.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} How?

RED GREEN: Well, you know, if you would move to Florida, that would help me. {smiles}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red puncturing the radiator of a car with a pitchfork, causing it to leak.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few scenes from this week's show. I'm not gonna ruin that by describing it.

''{Cut to a shot of Red and Bill on top of a snow-covered hill. Bill is seated on a sled, about to slide down. Red pushes him and he goes sliding down. Bill races at a tree.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Uh, Bill's gonna try the Luge thing. There's a tree coming up, Bill. This may feel good.

''{Cut to a shot of Red and Harold inside the Lodge, covered in bits of snow, trying to get warm. They hear the sound of the "Squeal of the Possum" for meeting time.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Or not. And it gets very, very cold up at the Lodge. Oh, my gosh!

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: Okay! I got it! I got it! Bernice is gonna forget all about moving south. I got a way to make her want to stay in Possum Lake all winter.

HAROLD GREEN: Did you get her a boyfriend? {laughs}

RED GREEN: {grinning} Yeah. Very good. Very good.

HAROLD GREEN: {singsong} Ha-ha-ha, la-la-la!

RED GREEN: That's a... pretty nervy comment from somebody who obviously has extra teeth.

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} It's just a joke! Just a joke! C'mon, you can t– take a joke, it's a joke!

RED GREEN: Harold, I've worked with a joke.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughing} That was a good one, that was good! You work!

RED GREEN: {back to camera} Now, like I said, I got this plan that's gonna make Bernice forget all about going down there. {eagerly} She's gonna wanna be up here all winter long! {to Harold} Harold, what do communities do when they want to attract tourists?

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, put in electricity!

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, they get cable TV!

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I know what they do! I know what... They install hallway bathing suit optional h–h–hot tubs!

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: {overlapping} Yeah!

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no. They have a winter carnival.

HAROLD GREEN: A winter carnival?

RED GREEN: A winter carnival!

HAROLD GREEN: No! Uncle Red, you gotta have some kinda natural attraction for a winter carnival. Like, you know, like a beautiful mountain or a glacier or maybe a ski resort that has co-ed bathing suit optional hot tubs!

RED GREEN: No, no, no! {Harold struggles for words} No, you don't– No– No, you–

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, your hands are connected to your arms.
 * Your arms are connected to your shoulders.
 * Your shoulders' connected to your body.
 * And your body's connected to your head.
 * Well, your head is connected to... nothing,
 * Which explains a lot.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
{Red and Winston sit at a table, and Harold stands behind them.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game, and how would you like a brand-new bass boat with 150 outboard motor and matching trailer?! {laughs} Yeah, well, everybody would love that, because you would look so cool when you go fishing with our brand-new grand prize of tonight: {bends down and picks up a plastic yellow bucket with the word "Bait" written on it} a bait bucket! {Red groans} Huh? {puts down bucket} And tonight's contestant is {points to Winston} Mr. Winston Rothschild, of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Rothschild to say this word... {looks toward Winston}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh! {covers his ears}

HAROLD GREEN: {holding up word sign to show audience} Dead. Dead.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: {setting sign on table; stepping back} 'Kay, go!

RED GREEN: Okay, Winston, your body has the life sucked out of it. You are...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...standing too close to the sewage pump.

RED GREEN: No, no... You're six feet under, so you're...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...runnin' out of hose.

RED GREEN: {thinks} When animals become roadkill, they are...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...bigger. {pauses} ...But thinner.

RED GREEN: Oh, no, no... You know... No, I know, there's an expression! Um, he's as something as a doornail.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Short!

RED GREEN: No.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Flat-headed!

RED GREEN: No, no, no.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Pointy at one end!

HAROLD GREEN: Running out of time, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Alright, Winston, if all of us go on town sewers...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, geez, I'd be dead.

RED GREEN: There we go!

{Red rapidly rings the bell to end the game while Winston cheers.}

HAROLD GREEN: {handing Winston the bucket} Congratulations!

Handyman Corner
{Red walks along a snow-covered area, past a garage full of winter-related vehicles.}

RED GREEN: You know, when you live in the colder climates, there are some vehicles that will attract a certain amount of attention. You know, you got the snowplow and the 4x4, snowmobile, you know, that kind of thing. But if you want to really grab attention, get yourself a Zamboni! For those of you who live down south, a Zamboni's not a pasta dish, it's a... {spreads his arms wide} Well, it's a big thing, big thing like that, and it's a... You know what? It's the thing they use to make ice on the rinks. Well, you'll see.

{Red walks past the Handyman Corner sign and up to a K-car.}

RED GREEN: Now, you gotta have pretty deep pockets to buy a Zamboni, so today on Handyman Corner, we're gonna build our own using, once again, our vehicle of choice, {taps car} the K-car. Now, you don't have to do the K-car. I suppose you could build an "Oldsmoboni". But we like the K-car because of the combination of availability, cost and a sense of revenge. Let's get started.

''{Red takes a sledgehammer and whacks it against the windshield, smashing it and knocking the side frames off. Wipe to a later scene. Red picks up the shattered windshield.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, I took the windshield out of there for a couple of reasons. First of all, the fun. {Red drops the windshield} Ooh!

{Red climbs up on the car, which now has a seat and a steering wheel duct-taped to the front of the car.}

RED GREEN: And secondly, I needed to hook up my Zamboni steering wheel down to the actual car steering wheel. See, I put a pulley on there and a piece of rope, and here's how the deal works: when I turn the Zamboni wheel to the right...

{Red turns the new steering wheel on the car to the right, which causes the actual car steering wheel, attached to the new wheel by a rope and pulley, to steer left.}

RED GREEN: ...it turns the car steering wheel to the left, okay? But we're going backwards, so we end up going to the right, so it all works out. Plus, we'll be driving on ice, and how dangerous can that be? And here's the third thing: because of where I got the pedals mounted there...

{Red puts his foot under some new pedals under the Zamboni steering wheel.}

RED GREEN: ...when I step on the gas or the brake, I actually got my feet right over the defroster vent there, and I'll tell ya, in the dead of winter, nothing brings a smile to your face like a draft whippin' through your pants. Now, I'm sure a bunch of ya are sayin', "Hey, you know what? That right there's enough fun for me." We're not done yet, oh, no, sir! {gets down off the Zamboni} 'Cause a real Zamboni is actually a fully functional ice maintenance machine, and that's where we're headin'. Yeah. 'Cause the real-life Zambonis, don't they have that hot water tanks there and the hot water goes down the ice and melts it and smooths it over? {picks up a pitchfork} Well, we don't have the hot water tanks, but the beauty of a K-car is it's not all that hard to get some kinda hot fluid leak in somewhere.

''{Red jams the pitchfork through the car grill, which punctures the radiator and causes it to leak. Several streams of water spew from the freshly-made leaks onto the ground.}''

RED GREEN: Perfect. {walks around behind K-car, holding sledgehammer} All right, now I just need something I can... {looks around} drag behind the unit to scrape the ice and kinda smooth out the water. {sees back bumper of K-car} Oh, this'll work.

''{Red whacks the back bumper with the sledgehammer. The bumper falls off. Wipe to a later scene. Red is kneeling on the ground next to the car. He has duct-taped the back bumpers to the front of the car to drag along the ground.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, I got the car bumper here to knock the big chunks off the ice. And I got the car floor mats to kinda smooth them out. {gets to his feet} One more step, and we're all done. You know, you're gonna be driving this unit around the arena. You're gonna be turnin' a few heads. Why not put it to good use? {picks up sign on the car} Every Zamboni has advertising on the side. Why should yours be any different?

''{Red hangs the sign on the Zamboni's radio aerial. It reads, "HAROLD'S DATING SERVICE - ALL WEEKENDS AVAILABLE - CALL 555-DORK".}''

RED GREEN: I sure hope he appreciates that. All right! {climbs up on the Zamboni seat} Let's give her a go! You know what they say: the proof of the pudding is in the Zamboni! {laughs} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {starts up the Zamboni} You can almost hear the organ music, can't ya? {starts to drive Zamboni away} Oh, boy!

{Red drives the Zamboni down the road, around a turn and out of sight, waving to the camera as he goes by.}

The Experts
{Harold, Red and Ranger Gord are seated around a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show, part of the show where we like to examine those three little words that men find oh-so-hard to say: {gestures toward audience}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs and grooves} Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo! Joining my uncle Red on this portion of the show is his good friend, Mr. Ranger Gord!

{The audience cheers and Gord salutes them.}

HAROLD GREEN: Hello, Ranger Gord! {picks up letter} Okay, um, letter reads as follows: "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Gord} Haw! "–I have just been bitten by a snake. I am not sure if it is a poisonous one, and I am hoping that you experts could tell me. The snake has long, yellow stripes and is sharp at one end. Please hurry, as I am in..." {looks at letter, confused}

RED GREEN: Is that it?

HAROLD GREEN: {showing letter to Red} Well, there's more, but it gets all scribbly...

RANGER GORD: Red and, uh, Harold, it's no use answering that letter. The venom from that particular breed of snake can drop even a full-grown birch. {pauses} The person that wrote it probably used up their last ounce of strength licking the stamp just to write that.

HAROLD GREEN: {stammers} Like a birch, as in "tree"?

RANGER GORD: Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Now, snakes and trees aren't natural enemies; they don't normally fight. {Red nods} But if the tree were to attack first... the snake will bite back and kill the tree.

RED GREEN: Even if the tree stands perfectly still?

RANGER GORD: Absolutely. Absolutely, Red. I've seen a lot of strange things during my 18 years up at Fire Watchtower 13. {Harold giggles} But when you first see a tree and a snake battle to the death, you think you're– think you're seeing things. You know, you think it's a trick of lights or... maybe one of those strange mushrooms you just ate. {another pause; the audience laughs} But when it happens every day, day after day, or if a tree were to come after you... you better believe it's real, buddy. I just wish I had a camera when it was happening. Or even a pencil.

RED GREEN: {nods} Or a girlfriend.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, actually, Ranger Gord, by the description of this snake, it just sounds like a typical garter snake.

RED GREEN: Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: You know what? I don't think there's anything to worry about. It's probably just a joke, you know. {laughs}

RANGER GORD: {stares at Harold} And what about the birch, Harold? What about {suddenly yelling} THE BIRCH?!?

HAROLD GREEN: Hmm?

RED GREEN: Yeah, Harold.

RANGER GORD: {looking directly into camera} Red, Harold, everyone, this is an excellent lesson. Think of a snake as a rope. A rope without legs and not available in hardware stores. A lot of people have died at the end of a rope, and a lot of people have died at the end of a snake. Think about it. I did. For five months one winter. Oh, yeah.

RED GREEN: Remember, folks, snakes are just as afraid of you as we are of Ranger Gord.

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the Lodge, rubbing his hands together, trying to keep warm.}

RED GREEN: Okay, the winter carnival's comin' along real good. {blows on his hands; to Harold} Boy, she's a little nippy out there, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah. I was listening to my weather radio last night. You know, I was gonna watch X Files, but it was a rerun. Y'know, it's that slime sewer guy one. {mimics monster noises} I saw it before, so I didn't watch it, right? And I finished all my homework, 'cause I sat out of gym class. I didn't even have time to finish all of Billy's homework. So I was just sitting there and I was listening to the weather radio, right? {pantomimes what he says with his hands} And they said that there's a low-pressure over upper state New York, you know, and it's causing this, like, inverted thermal air flow, and it's drawing all the warm air from the south and it's pushing out over the Atlantic Ocean, which is drawing down the frigid air from the Arctic, right? And that's right into our region! That's comin' into our region! That's why you feel so nippy as you do right now. Yeah, yeah!

RED GREEN: You know, Harold, I kinda wish you'd gone to gym class. We'd have better weather, and it'd be your thermals that we're inverted. {to camera} Anyway, we're all set for the carnival there. We got refreshment booths and the events all set up. I think it's gonna be a real hoot.

HAROLD GREEN: What kind of events do you got? 'Cause events make or break these kinds of things, you know. Remember last summer's fair? Stinky Peterson set up that running shoe trade-in booth out there in the hot summer sun? {laughs} Completely destroyed food sales!

RED GREEN: No, no, no, we got– No, we got great stuff. We got snowmobile races, we got 4x4 races, we got snowplow races, we got Zamboni races...

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, no! No, none of that stuff! Aunt Bernice won't like that, it's too loud! You gotta have nice, peaceful, nice, quiet sporting events, like, um... like, um, cross-country skiing!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah! No, I forgot to mention that: when we do the snowmobile slalom, we're gonna use cross-country skiers as pylons.

HAROLD GREEN: {uncertain} Yeah, like that. That's what I meant, like that. You know, you gotta have stuff for kids, too. Kids are gonna be there. Like, they have– You know, kids like... they like tobogganing and hot chocolate and makin' snowmen and ice sculptures– {suddenly excited; shouting} ICE SCULPTURES! I can make ice sculptures! {quickly} Lemme make an ice sculpture! I can do that for the winter carnival! I can make an ice sculpture, I can do one!

RED GREEN: Well, all right, but nothing wussy or in poor taste. I don't want, like, a 12-foot-high naked lady or something.

HAROLD GREEN: {gasping; struggling for words} Well... no, me, no–

RED GREEN: Good, 'cause you'd probably melt it.

{Harold giggles as Red turns to leave the Lodge.}

Inside References

 * Bill pulls his sled out of his pants.
 * Bill's sled, after flying through the air after the jump, knocks the left rear-view mirror off the Possum Van.

Fast Forward

 * In House Moving, during Handyman Corner, Red comments on making a Zamboni out of a K-car.