House Moving

Red and the guys try to move an old building by balancing it on a bunch of pickup trucks.

Cast (In order of Appearance):, ,

Transcript
{Red is standing outside next to the Possum Van, holding a can of paint.}

RED GREEN: Let's face it. Men and paint don't mix. Oh, you guys will promise to do the painting. You even go out and buy the paint. But by the time you're actually up the ladder with a brush in hand, everything settles to the bottom of the can. And same with the paint.

''{Cut to the side of the van. Red has duct-taped another can of paint to one of the wheels.}''

RED GREEN: Now stirring paint is messy, slow, and work. So here's a handy tip: Let your car be the mixer! Huh? {slaps the tire a couple of times} Just duct-tape your paint can to the center of your wheel, and then drive around, eh? I tell ya, after a couple of minutes, that baby will pour just like the day she came out of the store. Just make sure the tape is on there nice and tight.

{Cut to a wide shot of the van, which has large white paint streaks radiating outward from the rear wheel.}

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, make sure the lid is on nice and tight too.

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Red Green Show! Ha ha ha! And now here's the man who makes it all look so easy and so cheap and so messy and so, here he is, your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: All right, by gosh. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big big big big big week up here at the Lodge this week. Harold, you are gonna be so proud of me!

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I would welcome that.

RED GREEN: {pauses} Yeah, actually, what we're doing is we're building a little race track up here for our four-by-fours and our riding mowers, and whatever equipment the guys can sneak home from work, y'know? Stinky Peterson has a forklift that'll do seventy clicks. But now there's this old building right where we want to put the chicane.

HAROLD GREEN: Hey, that's the original Possum Lodge! That's an excellent example of really pioneer board and batten.

RED GREEN: Yeah, now ordinarily, we'd just flatten that with a backhoe or a wrecking ball or a Moose Thompson. But this time, we're gonna do the politically correct thing. Yeah, as a favor to the local Historical Society, we're actually gonna move the building to a safer spot. Huh? Huh?

HAROLD GREEN: {stepping closer to Red} Ohh, that is great news! That's fantastic! Would you like the name of a company that does that sort of thing? Y'know, that moves old pioneer buildings and things, because they have companies that actually do that sort of thing, y'know. They have the proper equipment and experience and– why do I even bother?

RED GREEN: Yeah, exactly. Harold, come on! You think we're gonna spend five hundred bucks to move a two-dollar building?

HAROLD GREEN: No, of course not. You're gonna spend a lot more than that if you include the medical bills.

RED GREEN: See, that's the thing, eh? You young guys try to solve all your problems by writing a check. Whereas the men of Possum Lodge, we take action with our own hands.

HAROLD GREEN: Ah. That explains the missing fingers.

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, sometimes one is enough. {walks toward the door}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game, and this week, Mr. Mike Hamar is playing for a truly fabulous prize, supplied by the Possum Lake Credit Union! Ha ha ha! The Credit Union's gonna tear up your mortgage free of charge! Repossession's never been so easy! No fees, no fuss, no house. Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds or so {Mike covers his eyes and ears} to get Mike Hamar to say this word: {holds up a sign, quietly} Beverage. Beverage.

RED GREEN: All right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {sets the sign down} Go. {Mike listens intently}

RED GREEN: Uh, Mike, when you have a beer, that's called...

MIKE HAMAR: Breakfast?

RED GREEN: Okay, let's say you're thirsty, you go down to the 7-Eleven for something cold, that's called...

MIKE HAMAR: Shoplifting?

RED GREEN: No no no, I'm saying, what would you call the drink?

MIKE HAMAR: Evidence.

RED GREEN: Um, I'm just talking about a term for a drink.

MIKE HAMAR: Whisky!

RED GREEN: No, I mean a generic, generic word for it.

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, potato skin wine.

RED GREEN: You know what generic means, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Cheap.

RED GREEN: Okay, all right, forget the alcohol. Forget alcohol, all right? What do you call a soft drink?

MIKE HAMAR: Mix.

HAROLD GREEN: Almost out of time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah... all right, Mike, in prison, when you get a meal, it always comes with a...

MIKE HAMAR: ...hair in it. Oh yeah, oh yeah. At least with the food, you can see what it is. But I mean, who knows what's floating around in the beverage.

RED GREEN: Ohhhh! {starts ringing the bell while Harold claps and Mike cheers}

Plot Segment 2
{Red and Harold walk back into the Lodge}

HAROLD GREEN: You can't tear that building down, it's gonna disintegrate! If you're going to move it, you have to move it all intact, in one big piece. Please, call a professional. They have the proper jacks, and they've got a vehicle with over forty wheels on it.

RED GREEN: Oh really? Well, guess what, Mr. Flaky-Specks-On-His-Lenses? {Harold tries to clean his glasses} We have a vehicle with fifty-two wheels.

HAROLD GREEN: Vehicle with fifty-two wheels.

RED GREEN: Yes.

HAROLD GREEN: You do not! What, no, lemme guess, you got the delivery truck from the tire company?

RED GREEN: No no no no no, go take a look in the parking lot.

HAROLD GREEN: {walks over to the window to look outside} Fifty-two wheels. What kind of vehicle has fifty-two wheels on it? Ha ha ha! I don't see anything with fifty-two wheels on it.

RED GREEN: Do you see thirteen pickup trucks?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah– {looks again out the window, then becomes distraught} Oh, no, no! No!

RED GREEN: Come on now, Harold, what we're gonna do is jack the building up with about a hundred car jacks, get 'er up higher than the beds on the pickup trucks, then we'll back seven trucks into the front end and we'll back six trucks into the back end, and we'll drop the building right down so she sits right on the beds. And then away you go. These guys in the front just steer and the guys in the back go in reverse. So... Probably gonna have to coordinate the drivers, so...

HAROLD GREEN: Your ideas... do they come to you in dreams?

RED GREEN: Harold, it's so simple, okay? We've got the pickups, we've got fifty-two wheels, and it's like a... it's like a...

HAROLD GREEN: Like a game of Fifty-Two Pickup?