The Stool Pigeons/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Stool Pigeons

Intro
''{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! And now, please help welcome a man who knows all the nuts and bolts, 'cause he's a bit of each himself, your host, your hero, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

{Red enters the lodge, waving, as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: By golly! {gesturing toward Harold} And this here is Harold, my producer and director and nephew.

''{Harold plays his switcher. The screen cuts back and forth between them to several transitional effects. In addition, the color changes briefly and the screen distorts briefly, too.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

HAROLD GREEN: I like to cut, wipe, dolly and zoom squeeze frame!

RED GREEN: Let's hope he's talking about television terms there. Kind of a quiet week up at the lodge this week.

HAROLD GREEN: No! No way, it wasn't! There's lots to talk about, like, crime! And plenty of it, too. Yeah! We got thieves among us, Uncle Red! A-A-And bullies.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, somebody steal your lunch again?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes! And I know who it was, too. Oh, I do, I do. It's Buster Hadfield's kid. What a punk!

RED GREEN: Buster Hadfield's kid? You mean Susie?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, her, she's a punk! Not fair at all!

RED GREEN: Harold, you don't even know it's her. Just because your lunch is missing out of your locker, doesn't mean Susie took it.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I know it was her. I'm walking through the cafeteria, right? And just walking along, and I'm looking for, you know, somebody to let me sit with them. And, all of a sudden, {holds hands out} I got my lunch hanging in my hands, and she walks right up and grabs it and keeps on walking. I mean, what can I do? I couldn't– You can't hit her.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no! Harold! You don't ever hit anyone, because they can hit you back, and you'd fold up like a deck chair.

HAROLD GREEN: I know that. Person's got to do something, though.

RED GREEN: Well...

HAROLD GREEN: Y'know, it's each individual's responsibility to stop crime. That's why I'm going to tell the principal. Haw!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, get an all-points bulletin going there.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah.

RED GREEN: What was in the lunch anyway?

HAROLD GREEN: Three sardine sandwiches and a pomegranate.

RED GREEN: {scratches neck} Well, you better tell the cops to treat her as armed and dangerous. {turns to leave as Harold plays switcher}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Red, who has accidentally set two refrigerators, duct-taped together, on fire. He runs off.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Got kind of an apocalyptic show for you this week. Uh, got a little bit of fire there.

{Cut to inside the lodge, as Harold enters wearing a different outfit: a Hawaiian shirt, shorts with different stripes on it, and a baseball cap with a stuffed pigeon on top.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} That would be pestilence, I would think, in a big way.

{Cut to Red, who is suddenly sprayed with silly string by Bill.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And we have an assault with a friendly weapon, so stay tuned.

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older types about modern art. Now, I know the artist is supposed to suffer for his art, but there's gotta be a limit here. I got dragged out to one of them modern art museums. I hung up my coat, and turns out the coat rack was actually a piece of art symbolizing man's dynamic symmetry. Now, I don't know how man's dynamic symmetry can be symbolized by a nail in a wall, but that apparently means I'm insensitive. They had this other thing, just blotches of paint on canvas. That was supposed to be art, too. They had a big statue made out of bird droppings. And they had a picture of a can of soup. Like, how are we supposed to know if it's good art if we don't even know if it's art? Here's a simple rule I use: if I can do it, it's not art. {nods} Oh, yeah. See, I can finger paint, so that's not art. I can chant, I can stand still, I can sneeze into a piece of paper. None of that stuff is art. So I'm warning you modern artists out there: either you stop doing stuff I can do, or I'll start doing stuff you can do. And then, believe me, everybody's gonna suffer from my art. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 5
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

An area like possum lake,

where everybody knows everybody.

You don't get a lot of adultery

when everybody is your cousin.

There's no

justice.

What?

No justice.

The system is completely

breaking down.

There's no protection

of individual rights.

Crime is running rampant.

O-o-w!

Okay, you know

what happens?

I go right into the

principal's office to

report my lunch theft.

While I'm in there, someone

steals my running shoes.

It's probably susie.

You need running shoes

when the sardines kick in.

Uncle red, you mock this, but

this is just the tip of the

iceberg, I'm telling you.

You know what? In the big

cities, right --

in the big cities, right --

the big cities, right,

they've got, like,

murders every time,

and then there's,

like, fires and arson

and gang wars going

on all over the place.

It's just a matter of time

before it's here in

possum lake.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a pressure cooker out

there, I'm telling you,

and when it blows... Boom!

Beans everywhere.

I will not stand for it,

uncle red, I will not.

You know, harold,

you should just kind

of relax a little bit.

This might just kind of be

a hormone build-up

that teenagers get

when they don't date.

Yeah?

Boy, you've got

a good memory.

You know, the sad thing is

your generation doesn't

have a war

where they can go off to a

foreign country and blow

off some steam.

I'm telling you --

I am telling you,

it starts with stealing

lunches and stealing shoes,

and then there's car stealing

and the running numbers.

Well, we're not going

to take it anymore.

We're starting a

neighbourhood watch.

Yeah -- yeah --

yeah -- yeah.

And we're setting up

a snitch line,

so you can phone in,

and you can snitch

on people.

Yup, we're going to March

up and down the streets,

making sure that law and order

is preserved in our community.

Who is this "we"?

The "we."

who is "we"?

Me and tommy dougal.

Yeah, you know tommy.

He's got the bad skin

and the motor scooter.

Tommy.

And chubby dickson,

him too.

The three of us.

There's safety

in numbers.

Those are pretty

odd numbers.

Welcome to the

possum lodge word game.

And what's this week's

grand prize?

Well, if you've ever thought of

owning your very own ford

convertible mustang,

well, then you probably have a

lot of sales brochures,

and now you can keep those sales

brochures organized in these

five free file folders.

File folders made available by

the home dezpot, your home

and office supplier.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Dalton humphrey to

say this word... Hand.

Hand.

Go.

All right. Dalton, this is

something you have two of...

Okay, no, no, all right.

Okay, okay, you go out for

a walk with your wife,

and you hold...

My temper.

Okay, okay, your wife

is feeling affectionate.

She reaches over

and takes your...

Wallet.

All right, let's say your wife

is planning a fancy dinner...

K.F.C.

Let's go another way.

When somebody gets

angry with somebody,

they will hit him

with a firm...

Paternity suit.

And you're running

out of time, uncle red.

Five fingers...

Five angry drivers.

Dalton, what's this?

Liver spots.

Come on.

Hammer injury.

Right. And why do I

have a hammer injury?

One hand doesn't know

what the other

one is doing.

There you go.

(frantic bell ringing)

this week on handyman corner,

I thought I'd show you how your

kitchen can almost be as much

fun as your workshop.

You know, a lot of the

famous chefs are men.

You know, you see them on tv.

You know that guy?

Well, the fat guy.

And that other fella...

The loud one, the loud guy.

And there's the drunk guy.

Now, think of all the fat,

loud, drunk guys you know.

They could be chefs.

And if you like the tools,

well, they could double

as kitchen utensils...

Spatula,

garlic press,

electric food slicer,

walnut crusher,

bottle opener,

stubborn bottle opener,

meat skewers,

meat tenderizer,

and so on.

If you're going to use the

same tools in the kitchen

as you do in the garage,

you might want to

clean them off first.

You don't want

food on your car.

And if you like power tools,

why not have power

kitchen appliances?

Look what I've done here.

See what this is?

This is my old beta max.

Now, I didn't just throw it

in the garbage or give it to my

grandma, like most of you do.

No, I hooked her up

to the microwave.

Why?

Well, I'll show you.

When I want to heat up,

say, a bowl of my soup here,

I just put her

into the microwave,

close her up,

and I just press "play"

for a few seconds.

That should get her.

A new kind of tv dinner

I've got going here.

That looks good, doesn't it?

Maybe some of you like to have

your soup even hotter than that.

Put her back in,

close her up,

and hit the "fast

forward" on that.

You know, if you have food

allergies, you might want to get

a head cleaner tape in there.

And that should get her.

All right. Oh, why,

that's hot!

Well, no problem.

We'll just leave it in

there and just hit "rewind,"

cool her down a little bit.

That should do it.

Oh, all right, I may have

cooled that a little too much.

But you get the

general idea.

Tell you another beauty

of this unit here.

When you want to get the

stuff out of the oven,

you just hit the

"eject" button.

Soup's on, harold.

Actually, soup is on harold.

Okay, this brings me to

the next thing for the

handyman's kitchen.

Your oven cleaner/freezer

defroster.

Now, what you need for that is

a can of oven cleaner,

roll of duct tape,

a dirty oven and

a frosty freezer.

Okay, first thing, make sure

they're all facing up.

Okay, now what you want to do

is put your oven cleaner

into the freezer.

That's right,

into the freezer.

That's what I said.

You heard me right.

Soak her real good.

Now, what you want to do is to

get your freezer up on top

of your dirty oven.

(grunting)

who makes these things

so darn heavy?

Hey, this is a very

important point,

make sure that the door is open

on the freezer and on the oven.

Man...

There we go.

It kind of looks like

they're mating, doesn't it?

I guess that's where

microwave ovens come from.

All right. This is where

the duct tape comes in.

Have you ever seen

duct tape this size?

That's the relaxed fit.

Okay, what you want to do

is make this completely

airtight here.

You wanna have a perfect seal.

That's why I put the oven

cleaner inside the freezer.

I didn't want to

hurt the seal...

I'll have the greenpeace

people after me.

Seal... Greenpeace...

Who needs writers?

A cautious handyman always uses

ten times as much tape as

he thinks is necessary.

That's funny, eh?

Sometimes you look at something,

and you can't believe you built

that with your own hands.

Your parents will know

what I'm talking about.

All you have to do is turn

the oven on high,

and that's all there

is to it, really.

Now, the way the rig works is

the heat of the oven goes up and

melts the ice in the freezer,

and then the melted ice --

or, water, as I like

to call it --

mixes with the oven cleaner,

and it just flows right

down into the oven.

Oh!

Okay, duct tape --

okay, don't panic.

Just stay calm there.

Just get the duct tape on it.

Usually I would say "if the

women don't find you handsome,

they should find at least

find you handy,"

but this week I'm

going to say,

if you can't stand the kitchen,

get out of the heat.

Hello, possum snitch line.

Do you want to snitch

on someone?

Ha, excellent. Excellent.

All right, who? Who?

I do not!

No, I do not.

No, no, no, my mom says I

haven't done that since

I was nine years old.

Well, she would know.

She does the laundry.

Okay, and by the way,

it's not a crime,

it's a condition.

Well, harold, I see your

snitch line is bringing

out the best in people.

We got some calls.

We got some calls.

We got one from old lady

bankman. Her cat has

been missing...

Since 1983.

Moose thompson called.

Someone stole his gremlin.

Yeah, he said if

anyone returns it,

he'll have them arrested.

Here's an interesting one.

Flinty mcclintock called.

Someone stole

his toolbox.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

You know, harold, I thought you

were going to be walking the

streets with this,

not by the phone here, like

jo-jo's sidekick alliance

or something or other.

Oh, yeah,

we are.

We are.

We are.

It's just that chubby's mom

is still working on our crime

fighting outfits, you know.

I'm hoping they're going to

use those big drapes in

their front window.

They're so cool.

If she uses the drapes, then

I can walk up and use our

slogan and say,

"it's curtains

for criminals."

I'll tell you what,

don't say it out loud unless

you're tired of those teeth.

I was going to go over there

now for a fitting, you know.

Whilst I am on my way over,

maybe I can return that

toolbox to flinty for you.

Oh, this?

Oh, is this flinty's?

You know,

I think so.

Oh.

Yeah, you know, harold,

thank you, harold.

Appreciate it.

Appreciate it.

You should be

ashamed of yourself.

Well, I used to be,

but since I had you as a

nephew, nothing bothers me.

Hello, flinty?

Yeah, I think harold's

got your toolbox.

I heard that.

Chubby are out there

ll, roaming the streets...

Amateurs and immatures.

I call them the

three dorkateers.

They got the uniforms

and everything.

It's pretty sad,

I've got to tell you.

You've got to see --

that's -- that's

quite a look, harold.

The bird head

is a nice touch.

I'm guessing that's the only

chick you'll get close to.

It's not just any

bird either.

It's a pigeon.

We call our crime fighting

squadron, "the stool pigeons."

the stool pigeon, that's a

medical term, isn't it, harold?

It reminds people to phone

the authorities in the event

of a criminal act.

Yeah, we're really

reducing crime.

I don't know, harold.

I look at you, I want

to commit one.

Do you know why?

Do you know why?

Because you were brought

up in a violent society,

and you're going to have

to learn to fight that.

And that's what we do,

we stool pigeons.

We offer people a remedy for,

you know, for changing things

and getting out there and

having a non-violent way

of remedying

and keeping peace

in the society.

Wow, harold, do you

mind a little advice?

Not at all.

Unlike yourself,

I embrace change.

Good, go change.

No, I can't because me and the

other stool pigeons have got

to patrol the streets.

Yeah, we're going to swoop

down from the skies and

get a drop on crime.

Don't get any droppings

on your shoes.

Welcome to the expert

portion of the show.

That part of the show that we

examine those three little words

that men find so hard to say,

audience:  "I don't know."

way excellent!

Okay, all right. Joining me and

uncle red on the expert portion

of the show this week is

mr. Winston rothschild of

the rotshchild sewage and

septic sucking services.

Where are motto is:

"if your cup overflows,

"I'll be there

with my hose."

okeydokey.

Okay, this is our

first letter.

It's from edna kay, and

it goes as follows...

"dear experts: I want to

go on a grand vacation.

"should I travel across the sea

or somewhere in north america?"

all right, edna, I would say

stay with north america

because you want to

be able to drive home.

I'll tell you, get into your

third week of czechoslovakian

cheeseburgers,

you're going to want to slide

into the van and head west.

Oh, no, I have gotta

beg to differentiate

with you, red.

Europe is where

you want to go.

That's where all

the history is.

That's where she

all began.

Where what all began?

Western civilization.

Or, more specifically,

sewage systems.

Oh, yeah, you can still go see

and visit the ancient roman

sewage system.

The famous

'cloaca maxima'.

Oh, yeah, I'll tell you,

when you're looking down

a toilet drain that was

built in 580 b.C.,

it's almost like you're looking

up the back end of your

family tree.

Well, you know, maybe our

viewer would like to

go to europe

to visit museums and castles and

see the sites, you know, where

the turning points of history

actually occurred.

Well, you know, if that's

your thing, you know.

But how does that compare with

seeing the home of englishman

sir john herrington,

who in 1596 had the only water

closet in the entire

british empire?

Well, I bet he had

a lineup, huh?

Well, edna, I advise you go to

europe and go out and see things

that aren't around here.

Oh, for sure.

Oh, France, you've got

to go to France.

Oh, yeah, you've got to see --

you've got to see the bathroom

graffiti in versailles.

Oh, yeah, that's where, in marie

antoinette's own handwriting, it

says, "let them eat cake,

"but go easy on

the bran muffins."

you know, harold, sometimes your

ideas border on a death wish.

You know that, eh?

No, no, those kids

didn't mean any harm.

They were just having fun.

What were you stool pigeons

doing up by the main

highway anyhow?

Well, we got this phone call

that old man sedgewick was up

there kicking stones at

passing cars,

so we went to

check it out.

What was that about?

Old man sedgewick was up there

kicking stones at passing cars.

But then these tough guys came

along and said they were going

to beat us up,

and chubby speaks right up and

he says, "well, yeah, well you

guys are just all talk."

which we now know

was a mistake to say.

Yeah. Yeah.

But then you know

what happened then?

Susie came by and she says,

"you toughs, don't be hitting

harold as hard as the others."

I think she loves me.

Love hurts,

doesn't it, harold?

Today, yes.

But you know what's great?

I think she just took

my lunch to get my attention.

She stole it to

take my attention,

and then she

stole my heart.

Oh, boy.

Well, if she likes sardines,

you might have a chance.

(possum call)

it's meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead, harold.

I'll be down in a minute.

Away you go.

Take it easy for now.

If my wife is watching, I'll be

coming straight home after

the meeting.

It looks like harold may

have found a little bit

of puppy love.

And if it goes any

farther than that,

I'm going to tell

you right now,

I don't want any of the pups.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

And on behalf of myself and

harold and the whole gang up

here at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

[captions performed by

caption resource center]

harold:  Here he comes.

Take your seats.

He's here.

He's here.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red:  Sit down.

Harold:  Okay, we just have

one announcement tonight.

Actually, it's a warning.

If you're boating at night,

watch out for the

water ski jump.

No, seriously, because stinky

peterson, he's going to be okay,

but he's going to need help

getting his boat off the

church steeple.

So any volunteers? You've

got to go really fast...