The Grapes Of Wrath/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know,

I'm not a history buff --

in fact, I'm not

any kind of buff,

which is why I try

to stay out of the buff.

But I do like

to take old things,

figure out how they work

and then make

my own modern version.

For example, this antique

flintlock musket.

I've made a modern version

out of this piece of

eavestrough downspout.

See, my hammer

is this tack hammer.

And my triggering mechanism

is this fishing reel.

When I hit the release,

the point of the hammer

will slam down through

the window

and detonate my ammo.

Okay, so what are

we gonna use for ammo?

Well, if you're

fighting the enemy

and you wanna whip 'em,

you wanna cream 'em,

how about whipped cream?

And of course you

wanna jam that in there.

Pack her down,

just like davey crocket --

or betty crocket.

And our projectile,

we're gonna use an eggplant.

Not really a bullet,

but it'll go through

you like one.

Okay, let's see

if we're ready.

Yep.

With any luck

I'll hit a vegetarian.

You know what they say...

Don't shoot until you see

the whites of their eggs.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thanks very much.

Appreciate it.

You know, our next door

neighbour up here is

a pain in the neck.

Mind you, they could probably

say the same thing.

They got no fences and

they grow all these grapes,

which is fine,

but they taste awful.

There's nothing worse than

stealing something that

has no value.

It's like hot

wiring a k-car.

Uncle red!

I was just --

have you been

stealing grapes again?

Yeah, but I'm

not enjoying them.

I mean, they're

real sour, harold.

Well, they're not for eating.

Those are wine grapes.

So when something's

not good enough to eat

you drink it?

Ontario grapes

make some of the

finest wine in the world.

How come you know

everything, harold?

It's just an unconscious

reaction to seeing

what can happen

when you're the

exact opposite.

Was that

an insult?

Not if you

have to ask, no.

[ applause and laughter ]

okay, so,

you're saying

even if these grapes

taste like an armpit

they make great wine?

Yeah, things in life are

often much different

than they appear.

That's gotta be

good news for you.

So I'm thinking we

could make our own wine.

By stealing the

neighbours' grapes?

It's not stealing if

the grapes are on our

property, harold.

They've got no fence and

a lot of the vines are

over the lot line --

or at least they will

be once I tug on 'em

a little.

You don't know anything

about making wine!

I don't base my life on

knowledge, harold.

I base it on

courage and cunning.

And socialized medicine.

You know what,

I'll make the wine

without you.

And that's

sour grapes.

It's time for

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives this coupon

from mr. Guido's

barbershop

and craft emporium.

"you'll love our

homemade mittens

"made entirely

from nose hair!

"come on in

and pick yours today."

okay, glen,

cover your ears.

Okay, red,

you have 30 seconds

to get glen braxton

to say this word...

And... Go!

Okay, glen, this is something

people do for most

of their lives.

Age.

No, no, other than sleep,

people do this a lot.

Nap.

No, okay, you finish

your breakfast,

you say,

see you later, honey,

I'm going to...

Lie down.

No, I mean, like, to have

money to put food on the table

you go to...

The wife's purse.

Okay, glen, if you were, say,

a mechanic or a carpenter,

you'd make sure you

had a something bench.

Comfortable.

No, this is something

happy people do.

Whistle while you...

Red, uh, almost

outta time.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, glen,

you're retired now,

but what did you

used to do every week,

Monday to Friday?

Phone in sick.

No, no, glen, you're not

thinking about this.

This is a word for job,

where you go in every day,

put in your time,

and at the end of

the week you get paid.

I heard about this, red.

I could just never

make it work for me.

There we go!

Where has all

the fun gone?

Where has

all the joy gone?

Right here at

harold's hobby house!

[ cheers and applause ]

and joining me today

at harold's hobby house

is mr. Dalton humphrey

of the humphrey's

everything store.

And we call it that

because that store

has everything.

Well, not everything,

but it certainly

has a lot.

So, dalton, why don't

you tell us about

your hobby?

Well, you know, harold,

it's something I've been

doing for many years.

Coin collecting.

Ah! This is

fascinating.

Now, in these containers

are coins I've collected.

Pennies, nickels,

dimes,

quarters, loonies,

toonies.

It's a complete set.

Well, I can

certainly see that.

Now, which is the most

valuable coin you have?

The toonies!

Those are

worth two bucks.

But I'm always on the

lookout for what's

valuable.

Now, harold,

for example,

do you have any coins

in your pocket right now?

Why yes, I do.

Aha! Aha!

Great. Great.

37 cents!

Okay, this is great

because now I can show you

how this coin collection

really works.

Okay, this is good.

Okay, all right, we just

simply divide them into

the denominations

and place them...

In the correct jars.

[ applause ]

now, in this way,

I have increased the

value of this collection

by 37 cents!

37 cents.

Very good.

You know, there are lots of

things that men enjoy,

but the two main ones

are boats and beds.

Unfortunately, we're often

disappointed in our boats.

There's no disappointment

in bed --

at least not for me.

I can sleep

anywhere at any time,

which should explain what

happened to this boat.

But rather than dwell on the

negative aspects

of property damage

and pending legal action,

instead I'm gonna do a project

that combines two of my

favourite things.

Men like doing

stuff like that,

taking two enjoyable

activities and combining them.

Like french fries

and gravy

or beer and football

or beer

and women wrestling.

Okay, that's three.

Anyway, I'm gonna

join up a bed and a boat

and make a bed boat.

Or a boat bed.

I'll decide what

to call it later.

Now, the first step in making

your own boat bed

is to get yourself

a bed frame.

I prefer the

wooden boats.

More character,

more history,

and they can survive

the biggest ocean swells.

I bet this baby

has seen some dandy swells.

You wanna use air

mattresses for this job.

Regular mattresses don't work

too well when they're wet.

Just ask harold.

Now with the help of the

handyman's secret weapon,

the bed frame becomes

your boat's keel,

and the mattresses

become your hull.

And there's

your boat bed --

or bunk boat.

I'll worry about

what to call it later.

This design was originated

by a european boat

building company.

Winken, blinken and nod.

I adapted her a little,

you know, with the

air mattress technology.

And I hacked up a garden hose,

connected them together

so I can blow up all the

air mattresses at once.

I mean, the bad news is that

I wrecked the garden hose,

but hey,

I hate gardening.

Okay, let's blow up

our bunk boat,

or our water bed

or water-borne bed.

I'll figure out

what to call it later.

Okay, that was a bit

of a logic test there.

When you look at the size

of all those air mattresses

and then measure that

against my lung capacity,

that was just a lack of

consciousness waiting

to happen.

Never send a man

on a machine's job.

Okay, we're good

to go here.

See the way this mattress goes

right around the motor?

Kinda makes it

like an inboard.

Pure class.

Oh, and you might wanna go with

a small prop on the motor too;

otherwise, you're gonna be

putting notches into

the bedpost,

and if you're a married guy,

that's dangerous.

So let's go cruisin'

in our boat bed --

or bed --

okay, I don't know

what I'm gonna call it.

But I do know, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ motor rumbling ]

[ motor sputtering ]

okay, you may not wanna

put a mattress,

you know, that close

to the prop.

And don't link all the

mattresses together to inflate

because they're still linked

together to deflate.

Okay, I think I may have

a name for this thing,

but I'm gonna wait until the

camera's not running.

[ foghorn blasts ]

the other day my wife sent

me out to buy a new

shower curtain.

But when I got home

she told me it was all wrong.

How could a shower curtain

be all wrong?

Okay, if I brought home

a gas powered weed whacker

that would be --

it's like the time I bought

the wrong paper clips,

the wrong tea cozy,

or the wrong thyroid medic --

okay, that one...

Okay, that was a mistake.

But you see

where I'm going here.

And later I realised

it's all about expectations.

Women actually have them.

Women have been planning the

exact look and colour scheme

of their lives

since they were kids.

There are plans in their heads

that are more detailed

than those space flight

simulators nasa uses.

Women spend hours on their

buying decisions.

Men don't plan;

they haggle.

If that shower curtain

is 5% off,

because it's got paint

splatters on it

and it's made of asbestos,

that's our new shower curtain.

Anyway, my wife returned

the "all-wrong" curtain

and got the

completely perfect one.

And yes, it is

slightly bluer.

Oh, sure, I could sit around

and complain that my wife

is picky,

but the way I see it,

she's already settled for a

pretty big ticket item

that doesn't look anything

like what she had in mind.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you,

we're all in this together.

[ grunting ]

okay, we've got

the grapes all stomped.

I knew we'd use that bathtub

for something eventually.

I tell you, it's gonna

be a great year for wine,

in terms of quantity.

Yeah, we made

1,000 gallons.

Well, there's 50 of us.

And if it's any good,

well, we'll make more.

Uncle red! Uncle red!

Look, look.

I found this book

about wine making.

You know, I thought

maybe you might wanna

take a look at it

or perhaps read it

or have someone

read it to you.

Harold, there are

two kinds of people.

The kind that

make things happen,

and the kind that read

about things that happen.

Yes, in tomorrow's

newspaper.

So to avoid yet another

embarrassment,

it might behoove you

to educate yourself

a little.

A lot of irritating things in

that statement, harold,

starting with

the word "behoove."

uncle red, do you

know anything about

bottling wine?

I know you should put

a cork in it, harold.

I'm telling you,

not just any idiot

can make wine.

Well, I'm gonna

prove you wrong.

[ laughter and applause ]

harold, it's a

simple process.

You squash the grapes;

you throw in some sugar,

a little bit of yeast;

you let it stand in a

jug at room temperature

with a cork

in the top.

What?!

No! No! No!

No, not a cork.

Not a cork.

It is a

fermentation trap.

Same diff.

No, not same diff!

Big diff!

A fermentation trap

allows the gasses

to escape safely.

We should make lodge

members wear them.

Just relax,

harold, okay.

It's not

rocket science.

Okay, maybe it is

rocket science.

Red: Never been exactly sure

what repointing is.

We were replacing

the whole --

well, that's an inukshuk,

I know that.

It's actually

more shook than inuk.

And walter's

tasting the mortar.

How is it?

Need salt?

No, it's good.

So we had built a ramp to

bring the mortar up

to the, uh --

up to the chimney.

We had to replace

the whole thing,

liner and everything,

and, uh, I was just

knocking the old bricks down.

I didn't see bill there.

Maybe I should've looked.

Sorry. Sorry.

But bringing the unit up

was pretty heavy,

so I let walter

do it on his own.

And uh -- oh!

Okay, maybe that's

repointing, I dunno.

Anyway, we get the

bricks up there,

and I'm still taking the old

liner out and so forth.

Bill's coming up the --

sorry, didn't

see you there.

Then the liner

is these tubes --

unfortunately

they got rolling,

and suddenly you

got super mario brothers.

Pretty good -- oh, you

made it to the next level.

Now, bill had his

trowel in his pants.

Don't ask.

And -- but it broke off.

So he just grabs

walter's trowel.

Walter's not

happy with that,

so he tries

to grab it back

and the next thing you know

he's covered in mortar,

and bill finds that

funny for a second.

[ chuckles ]

and I find that

funny for a second.

Well, it spirals

downhill from there,

and eventually

right down the ramp.

This is -- I don't recommend

you try this at home --

or anybody's home really.

He gets down, and he thought

he could grab the --

but there's the cement

and the water.

Then we thought if we threw

the skid it would break --

the brake stopped

part of hit.

So we come down to

make sure walter's okay,

and not only is he okay,

he's -- where's he going?

Hey, hey, wait a second!

It should be our turn!

[ applause ]

there have been a lot of

disturbing trends over

the years,

from four-cylinder cars

to vegetarian pizza.

But one of the worst has gotta

be "one size fits all."

anyone who believes that has

never seen wrestling...

Or wrestling fans.

One size fits all is really

the manufacturer saying,

one size suits us.

Even with ice cubes.

They're too big

for the sissy drinks,

okay for your regular,

but way too small to get

the job done on a

man-sized thirst

or a

wrestling-fan-sized thirst.

See, the problem is

the ice cube tray.

The compartments are

all standardized.

One size fits all.

That's why I don't

use ice cube trays,

not when I have

another kind of tray

that has plenty of different

sized compartments.

Can you say tackle box?

[ chuckling ]

now I have ice

for any size drink

or any size bruise.

[ chuckling ]

yeah, that's more like it.

See, kids, you can

look cool and be cool

at the same time.

Oh! Ow! Ow!

Well, we're all set for the

first tasting of our

homemade wine.

Threw in some

charcoal briquettes

and some

possum lake water.

Don't know if it's a

"carbonnay" or "beaujolake."

uncle red, I made

you a surprise.

Oh, what's that?

I made you a sign.

Oh, harold,

I like that.

And I used

magnetic letters.

That way we can reuse it when

you go out of business.

You know, harold,

I think $2.50 a bottle

is a little low.

Well, let's wait till

somebody tastes it.

You wanted

to see me, red?

Oh, yeah, yeah,

dalton, great.

We need you to

test our wine,

because you're

the only guy with

medical insurance.

Offer him a piece

of cheese there,

harold.

Wine and cheese,

very popular with

our target demographic.

You want me to sniff

the cork there, red?

Nah, it dissolved

for some reason.

Is this red or

white wine?

I dunno.

Kind of a blue.

You know, it looks

a little cloudy.

Yeah, it's supposed

to clear up this

afternoon.

Is it good?

Is it the cheese?

That can't

be good.

No, no, wine tasters

always spit out the wine.

Not violently.

Hey, red,

look at this!

The wine cleaned the glass.

Here, harold,

try it on your

glasses.

Take 'em off first!

No, don't it in your eye!

Okay!

Holy man!

This is amazing.

You have a beard?

[ laughter and applause ]

you know what we need?

A little marketing

expertise.

Just because we can't

sell it as wine

doesn't mean we

can't sell it.

I'm ahead of you,

uncle red.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you guys

go ahead.

I'll be right down

with the good news.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And I'm hoping you're gonna be

in a romantic mood

for a romantic evening.

You put out the candles,

I'll supply the wine,

and we'll clean all

the mirrors in the bedroom.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your

stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Okay, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

All right, men,

after careful consideration

and one mouthful,

we've decided to market

our wine as window washer.

So we'll have a lot

fewer drunk drivers

and they'll have

clean windshields.

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com