The Double Date/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold:

Lights, camera, action.

Cue the credits.

Roll the audience.

Whatever they're supposed to do,

do that.

And, well, because it's time

for "the red green show,"

and 100,000 fingers

just pushed the "record" button.

And about 20 or 30 just

pushed the "pause" button,

but they won't even know

it's a mistake till tomorrow

when they try and play it back

and go, "hey, what's going on?"

anyway, speaking

of "pause" buttons,

here's the man

whom I like to call

"the man from u.N.C.L.E,"

because that's

basically what he is to me.

But he's also the star

of the show.

Here he is -- I'm, oh,

so confused at this point --

red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you, and, uh,

welcome to possum lodge.

Any of you who

just heard that introduction

will already have guessed that,

uh, harold is a relative,

and there's a huge favor

involved in his working

on the show here.

I don't consider this

a favor.

I enjoy like directing and

producing and doing this stuff.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

Don't worry --

as soon as his salary adds up

to what I owe his father,

he's out of here.

Been kind of an interesting week

up at the lodge, uh, this week.

Uh, there's something

strange going on

with helmut, our --

our maintenance man.

Now usually helmut spends his

days kind of tinkering around,

making adjustments

to the water pump

to the point

where it doesn't work at all.

But this week, he hasn't been

doing any maintenance.

So actually, everything's

working pretty good

up at the lodge.

It kind of proves that saying

that we always use on helmut,

which is "if it ain't broke

too bad, don't total it."

uncle red,

I think helmut's in l-o-v-e.

I know the signs.

And not just with his mother,

which, you know, is good.

We don't -- we don't

actually talk much about love

up here at the lodge.

Sex, yes. Love, no.

Love to us is kind of private

and potentially embarrassing,

whereas, uh, sex

is more or less public domain.

I think sex is every bit

as much private as love is,

maybe even more so.

It certainly isn't something

you want to share with a group.

Well, then, you've never been

to the lodge christmas party,

have you, harold?

Wa-a-a!

Don't start talking about

the christmas party to me.

Wa-a-a-a-a-a!

Ho ho ho!

Get that one,

remember? Ha.

"is there anything under

the christmas tree for me?"

wa-a-a!

"hey, it's the wrong size."

♪ la, la, la! ♪

shut up, harold.

All righty.

I'll take five.

Wa-a-a,

do you have a bad hand, too?

Yeah, all little ones --

four 2s and a 3.

Give me two, bill.

I am fine.

Three.

Hey,

what do you think?

I think bill should

make a decision.

No, my corsage.

Made it for my date tonight.

That's not a corsage.

That's a duck blind.

You really want to get

your date out of her dress,

pin that onto her --

let gravity do the rest.

[ laughs ]

okay, look, I raise.

Helmut, you have a date?

Yeah. Why?

Well, nothing. I just --

who knew a girl

would actually say...

You know

what I was thinking?

I was thinking to myself --

I was thinking, "what a lovely

corsage you made there."

I was thinking that,

and I said it to you.

You know what else

I was thinking?

How generous.

All right.

I'll raise.

So,

who's the lucky woman?

Let me guess --

lady wrestler?

[ laughs ]

rita frommer.

Rita frommer?

The pie lady?

Yeah.

Oh, man! She's hot!

She's about a nine.

Nine?

Yeah, it's german

for "no."

she's like suzanne somers

on "three's company,"

only she's brunette,

and she's shorter.

And okay,

she's like the other one

on "three's company."

yeah, yeah, john ritter.

Okay, look, I'll raise.

It's not that little cutie

with the bakery --

rita's bun house --

is it?

That's right.

Ooh!

You have a date

with her?

I've had my eye on her

for years.

How did you get her

to go out with you?

You know, I go in there

and buy danishes from her

just to see her

in that little apron thing.

How did you get her

to go out with you?

I-I asked her.

Oh, you asked her.

[ indistinct conversation ]

she insisted on bringing

her twin sister, though,

uh, you know,

as a chaperone.

Oh. Just in case you

accidentally sat on her, huh?

Okay, look, I call.

What have you got?

Mm-hmm, uh-huh.

Hey, okay. That's mine.

I'm good, eh?

I should

just close the store

and become

a professional gambler.

What about me?

Well, I'll close the store

with you in it.

So, rita the bun lady's

got a twin sister, huh?

Yeah, leslie.

Well, she said they're

not identical twins.

Leslie's blond.

Ooh!

Harold: Blond's good.

Well, uh, why don't

we make this a double date?

I don't know if leslie

would like that.

Well, I, uh -- I could go

as your chaperone.

Yeah.

Like, you know,

I'll bring the r.V.

I'll stop at the bank, get

some money at the drive-through.

Picnic lunch,

and maybe later,

we'll go to the drive-in,

watch a flick.

Well, I made

dinner reservations

at that new, uh,

chinese/italian place there,

chop louie's

bamboo pizzeria.

They got

a drive-through.

Well --

look, I think

you shouldn't show up with glen.

No, I think

you should take me there.

I can get you real corsages

from the store for free, huh?

No charge.

And I'll get you a nice suit.

All set up there

in a suit, yeah.

What's wrong

with what I'm wearing?

Well, nothing, if you plan

on taking her dancing

in an open-pit mine.

[ laughs ]

get your r.V. Ready,

glen.

It is.

Well, this evening's

got to be special.

Clean the tire treads

if you have to.

No problem.

Red, can I borrow

some of your clothes?

What, to clean

the tire treads with?

No, to wear.

Oh, well, then no. No.

But, hey, you guys have

a great time on your date.

Don't do anything

I'd do.

All right, you boys.

You might be interested

in trying some of these --

murray's own aphrodisiacs,

guaranteed to give you

power and stamina.

Murray,

these are nice girls.

Oh, oh. Oh, well.

P-e-z.

Yeah. That's --

that's french, you know?

Yeah, that's french

for "potent."

[ chuckles ]

let's roll, helmut.

Okay. Thought

we'd take them bowling.

Good idea.

Women love to go bowling.

You know, I think they got

a drive-through there.

Uh, you want to stop

at mr. Huge and get a tuxedo?

Maybe.

Good.

[ drums and guitar playing ]

♪ the rope that hangs

from the old oak tree ♪

♪ was once the noose

for arlo mcgee ♪

♪ he hanged

for three days ♪

♪ quite a long duration ♪

♪ the wind swung him around

like a bird-feeding station ♪

♪ and this is one

of the songs they sung ♪

♪ for a man who wasn't

well-groomed or well-behaved ♪

♪ but certainly well-hung ♪

red: This week on,

uh, "handyman corner,"

I'm gonna show you how

to turn your home into a castle

by using fancy decorative trim,

because, uh, almost every castle

that I've ever seen --

the pictures, you know --

have always had fancy trim

on the outside,

up the walls and across

the tops, and inside, as well.

And 90% of that fancy trim

is made with plaster,

and that's something that

peasants like you and me can do.

What I have here is a bag of,

uh, plaster of paris.

But the instructions are

in english, too, you know?

Not that any, uh --

not that any handyman I know

would ever, uh, sink to

reading instructions, you know?

But, uh, we'll mix that up,

and, uh, just goes in

with water, I think.

I suppose you could use t.R.P.S.

On this if you were in a hurry.

That seems --

that seems about right.

Nice and pour-- pourable.

Okay.

Now, uh, we're gonna need

something to use as a mold.

Uh, what I want to make here

is, uh, some sort of a round,

decorative,

maybe a flower design

or something like that,

to go on either side

of the fireplace.

I think it'll look real sharp.

So, something that maybe --

yeah, here we go.

Here we go.

[ clatters ]

uh, I like using hubcaps,

you know?

I particularly recommend,

uh, big three,

mid to late '60s, you know?

Uh, they're -- they're a real --

real sharp-looking unit.

Just put that down there,

and just, uh, put our plaster

right in there.

Oh.

Well, I...Guess

the plaster of paris, uh,

sets a little faster

than I thought it did, huh?

Well, maybe I'll just take

a look at those instructions,

and we'll whip up another batch.

Okay, well,

according to the box,

uh, once you mix it up,

uh, like this,

it, uh, sets

in about 10 minutes.

So, uh, I better

g-get right on that.

So I'll just put this

right into my hubcap.

Okay.

Boy, maybe I made

a little too much here.

I wish I had,

uh, all four hubcaps.

And I would have

if the guy had parked longer.

Uh, oh, wait. Here we go.

Don't have much time here.

[ clatters ]

I can sort

all that stuff out later.

What do I got left?

About 8 minutes, 8 1/2 minutes,

something like that?

All right. What else?

Excuse me.

[ rattling ]

all righty. I got a

garbage-can lid here and...

I don't know quite what that is.

Oh, that's a goalie's mask.

That'll be ideal.

Shovel. Army helmet.

Six minutes, five minutes.

What do I got left? Oh, okay.

[ humming ]

okay.

[ humming ]

[ grunts ]

oh. Five minutes?

Five minutes left?

Okay. I think

it should be dry about now.

Let's check it.

[ splat! ]

uh, no, I guess it could use

a few more minutes.

[ snoring ]

[ alarm beeping ]

oh. [ groans ]

okay.

Just put a little time in there,

waiting for the plaster to set.

[ groans ]

we should be in good shape now.

All right.

[ clears throat ]

all right. Uh...

Well, by golly.

[ coughs ]

I think we got her.

[ laughs ] look at this.

Look at this.

Just take that off there

real easy.

Is that attractive?

What does that say to you?

Does that say "money"?

Does that say

"rolling in money" to you?

Put that up on --

you know what that looks like?

One of those classic, uh,

drama things they have.

They have tragedy,

you know, with the...

And they got, uh --

no, tragedy's this way.

And the comedy.

And then you can put this one,

which would be "shutout."

or it could make a dandy clock.

Put the hands right on the nose.

And we got our --

oh, my god. Oh.

Take a look at that.

Be still my heart.

Isn't that a beauty?

Now, that --

that could also be a clock.

I would put that clock, uh --

I'd put that clock anywhere.

I'd put that right

on the front of my car.

That is a beautiful,

beautiful thing.

And, uh --

well, here's another --

here's another thing.

We're in the kind of

a clock motif here.

How about this?

That's a sundial. Huh?

Oh, and --

and another thing that's...

These here are more of a --

I guess they're more of a fun --

more of a training.

Not really something big enough

to make a clock out of.

A watch -- you could make

a watch out of these.

Maybe you want to make watches

for all of your friends.

Yeah. So, uh, this is obviously

the perfect kind of hobby

for anybody who cares

what time it is.

Remember -- till next time,

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

I hate this crap.

[ shatters ]

"it is autumn -- harvesttime.

"little seeds have grown

to bulbous pumpkins.

"the tiny flower buds

on the apple tree

"have ripened

into delicious fruit.

And the couch potatoes

have grown another chin."

well, by golly, this double date

is turning into a real big deal.

Uh, glen asked me to go down

to murray's store

and get a corsage or chocolates,

both of which he'll probably eat

on the way there.

And then, uh,

he and helmut went off

to make themselves

look presentable.

They went down to glen's marina,

'cause he's got the power tools

there that they're gonna need.

Now, though,

the whole south end of the lake

is, uh, covered with aftershave.

Buster said that he heard

some chain saws going,

so I figure they're probably

shaving their entire bodies

to make themselves look thinner.

I think it's excellent

that they're taking pride

in their appearance.

'cause after all,

clothes make the man.

Well, then,

say hello, mr. Doofus.

I-I dress like this

so the show has a look.

Well, it's not working, harold.

Nobody's looking.

Should I go change? I'll change

if it helps the show.

Well, yeah,

if we could do the show

while you were changing,

that would help, yeah.

You're kidding.

You're kidding.

Wa-a-a,

go on, go on.

'cause actually, people think

I'm quite a fashion plate.

Well, I think

you're quite a roasting pan.

You got me. You did it again.

Wa-a-a, that's a good one.

Roasting -- that's funny.

You're a nut ball. Wa-a-a.

Shut up, harold.

Got me again!

You're good.

Oh, hello, red.

What can I do to you today?

Hi, red.

How's it going, man?

Really slow.

Things are going great.

Business is booming.

Now, what can I sell you, red?

We're very busy here.

Well,

I'm just here for glen.

I was gonna get him

some chocolates or some flowers,

you know, for that big date

of his tonight.

We're out

of chocolates.

We have plenty

of chocolates.

You ate the last box

during the all-night

"mod squad" reruns.

Well, they were awful,

you know?

I find boxed chocolates

are so inferior.

Luckily, I still have

some canned chocolates.

Canned chocolates?

Canned chocolates?

They're in the storeroom

on the second shelf on the back.

Okay.

Glen's date will

really go for these.

I mean, they're

a little more expensive,

but who can put a price

on love, huh?

Well, I imagine you could,

murray.

I can't find them.

For the love of mike,

they're right there on

the second shelf at the back!

There they are,

right in front of your face.

These are baked beans.

Well,

they're labeled wrong!

I'll take 30% off --

no, 20%.

10%.

I'll take 10% off.

Well, maybe we should,

you know, crack them open,

make sure

they're chocolates.

And lose

the freshness?

Oh, man, that's the whole point

behind canned chocolates.

You know, murray,

I think we're gonna

just forget about chocolates

and even forget

about flowers.

I think glen will do better

if he has -- has some perfume.

Right. Will that be

chanel no. 5 or obsession?

[ film projector clicking ]

red:

And speaking of obsession,

it's time

for "adventures with bill."

bill brought a lot of gear here.

He's gonna top a tree.

Gonna take that top bit out.

Just put the ax up.

Oh.

Not -- not that log, uh, bill.

Put it, uh -- put it down in --

just pull that out of there.

Get that out of there, bill.

That handle looks a bit loose.

[ screams ]

no, no.

I guess it's all right.

Uh, bill's got,

uh, all the gear there.

These are called --

I'm not sure what these are.

[ smack! ]

oh, bill.

Oh, yeah. I know.

These are called "horns."

they're horns.

You put them on,

and they dig into the tree.

Uh, bill got all this gear off,

uh, one of them telephone trucks

that was parked

outside a doughnut shop.

That's some kind of a protector

or something.

I threw that away.

I figured "golly."

I don't know

what those protectors

are on there for anyway.

There's nothing to protect.

The things go point down.

They're not pointing at you

or anything.

Anyway, he's all set up,

and now he just, uh, goes over.

Oh, I see what the protectors

are for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

'cause otherwise,

you pick up pieces of driftwood

and any small animals

you might step on.

Anyway, he's got

the hard hat there,

and, uh, now we're gonna put

this belt around the tree,

which I thought had to be

as snug as you could it.

[ groans ]

I've never done this, uh,

kind of work before, you know?

I must admit, I was guessing.

[ screams ]

all right. I loosened her up.

Now we got her.

Okay, I see, I see.

You need a little bit

of slack in there.

And then, uh, up he goes.

Dig that in, and then the other.

And golly, I got to admit,

I was --

at this point,

I was pretty impressed

'cause, uh, bill was

getting up the tree there.

And a lot of times,

bill tries things,

and they just don't --

I don't know.

They just don't seem

to come together just the way --

but this was --

this was really --

well, well,

I was speechless.

And he's getting up there,

oh, god, 50, 60, 62 feet,

way up there.

And then the idea

is he's gonna just cut the top,

uh, right off the tree

'cause I guess she was getting

dangerous there, what have you.

I don't know why they do it.

But what had happened

was lightning had already,

uh, hit this tree,

and the top was completely gone.

Bill hadn't noticed, and

I'm trying to get his attention.

But he's -- you know, kind of

like, "bill, the top's missing."

bill?

Uh-oh.

[ screaming ]

oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy.

Oh, boy.

[ groaning ]

lightning struck twice

the same place.

But he's okay.

And he's inviting me

to share his joy.

Well, it should be a pretty

quiet lodge meeting tonight

with glen and helmut out,

painting the town plaid.

Should have seen them

leaving in the r.V.

Glen had maps spread

all over the windshield,

and helmut was folding the table

down into a bed.

Wow. That -- that would be

a little insensitive thinking.

I mean, that would be

a major turnoff

for any woman to walk right in

there and see a bed there.

Oh, no, harold.

He's gonna turn it

back into the table

by the time they get there.

It's just that the tux

that helmut rented

was only an

extra-extra-extra-large,

and it's a tad snug,

so he can't get the pants on

unless he's lying down.

I was wondering why helmut had

no trousers on when I saw him.

I thought to myself, "well,

he's confident, isn't he?"

wa-a-a!

No, no.

It's just the pants.

They're so darned tight

on him

that he's afraid

that if he creases them,

it'll create a weak spot,

and then the pants

will rupture,

and his whole body

will explode outwards.

So once he's got them on,

glen's gonna open the sunroof

so helmut can stand up

for the trip.

[ screeching ]

oh. There's the cry

of the wild possum, uncle red.

Time for the lodge meeting.

Better get down there.

Yeah. This -- this probably

won't take too long.

And the only business

I know of

is that murray's gonna try

and sell us something.

So we're just gonna

let him talk for a minute,

then we'll say no,

and then that's the end of it.

So I'll be right back.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise! Shh!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Sit down.

Kind of a quiet night

tonight, boys.

Okay, the floor recognizes

murray woolworth.

Yeah, okay, well,

I just want everyone to know

that Thursday is gonna be

ladies' night down at the store,

and the ladies

can expect a 10% discount.

[ all cheering ]

I'll tell my wife

about that.

This only applies

to single ladies.

Harold: Good for me.

[ footsteps clunking ]

well, if that's

all the business tonight,

then I'm going to call on, um --

oh, wait a minute.

What's this? What's this?

Wa-a-a!

You guys are back

a little bit early, aren't you?

So, how did it go?

How did it go?

The double date --

how did it go?

You were on a double date

tonight with each other and --

how did it go,

the double date?

Fine.

Where's the tux?

I broke it.

Come on.

How was the date?

Double your pleasure,

double your fun, huh?

Whoo! Whoo!

Fine. It was great.

It was awesome.

Did like -- did leslie

look like, um --

like betty jo

from "petticoat junction"?

[ murmuring ]

no, more like billy the kid

from "gunsmoke."

did she have

a nice personality?

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Hold the phone.

I just thought

of something.

Leslie is

a boy's name, too, right?

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Bingo.

[ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

I just assumed

that they were identical twins,

and they're not.

I tell you, leslie was

just as disappointed, though,

because he thought

that glen was a girl.

[ laughter ]

really?

Yeah, you know,

like glenn close.

Well, he was in

for a real letdown, wasn't he?

[ laughter ]

leslie actually thought glen

was a good-looking girl.

Man, I thought

I was desperate.

Wa-a-a, he didn't believe

you were a guy?

No. I shouldn't have shaved

my whole body.

He -- he asked for proof,

so glen whipped out his, uh --

what did you whip out?

My driver's license.

And then, uh,

l-leslie said

that, uh, a driver's license

could be faked.

So, uh, t-then

he grabbed the --

forget the details.

Suffice it to say

I punched the guy's lights out,

and we can't go back

to that restaurant again.

That's it.

End of story.

Well, glen, maybe you and leslie

can still be friends, though.

No. No.

That -- that never

works out, red.

All right, well, uh,

if that's it for lodge business,

uh, I'm gonna call

on bill here

to supply the evening's

entertainment.

[ cheers and applause ]

this is

a great one.

Yeah,

I love this trick.

[ vacuum whirs ]

okay.

Nothing

up his sleeve.

There he goes!

Well, there's a dream date

they'll remember for a while.

Or at least until

they work up the courage

to go on another one.

It's amazing to me with so many

eligible bachelors up here

why they have so much trouble

meeting women.

I think it's because the women

have gotten smarter.

It's too bad.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I'll be bringing

a box of chocolates,

minus the chocolates,

'cause I know you're on a diet.

And I should be, especially now.

So until next time, on behalf

of myself, uh, and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ vacuum whirring ]

oh, look at that!

Oh!

Bill, that's great!

[ indistinct shouting ]