Missing/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold:

If all the world's a stage,

then we all must work

for wells fargo.

[ chuckles ]

get it? Wells f--

I don't work for them.

Well, I'm up here.

I'm producing and directing this

television show for my uncle,

and I love doing it

for a lot of reasons,

but I guess lack of alternatives

would be pretty close

to the top.

And speaking of "pretty close

to the top" and lack of it,

here's

my aforementioned uncle --

the star of

"the red green show" --

here he is -- mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you,

and welcome to possum lodge,

where men are men

and harold is understudying.

Show them what you can do

with your tasteless

gimmick machine there, harold.

Oh, you mean

my special-effects ax.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ laughs ]

just a little taste

of hollywood.

Hopefully, not a lethal dose.

Well, you should have been

up at the lodge last night.

A bunch of us were

sitting around the woodstove

talking about the differences

between people

and how irritating

that can be.

And we got some members here

who have a big conniption

over the least little thing,

and then, on the other end

of the spectrum,

you got somebody

like old man sedgwick,

who can stroll down to the dock

with his pants on fire

and check the temperature

of the water

before he jumps in the lake.

That's probably 'cause he uses

his pant cuffs as an ashtray.

Why does he do that?

Well, I think

on old man sedgwick,

the part from the ankles down

is the smoking section.

Anyway, we all have

a squashed butt in our pants

once in a while,

don't we?

But, you know,

it's -- it's kind of funny.

If you're gonna play a trick

on somebody,

you don't pick somebody

who isn't gonna get upset.

You know, you go to the guy

who's gonna give you

the biggest reaction.

So it's kind of strange

that the fellas

who are the ones who don't want

to be bothered at all

are the ones that get bothered

all the time.

That's ironic, isn't it?

It's mean.

Same thing, harold.

I guess, you know,

the two exceptions to that

would have to be

helmut wintergarden

and moose thompson,

'cause these guys are huge

and when they get upset,

they have a habit

of ripping your head off

and throwing it down

the two-holer.

Well, with -- with that visual

fresh in our minds,

why don't we just move on

to the next segment, you know?

Unless, of course,

you have a point to make.

Whereas when I get upset,

I fire people.

You know, you can always take

your time if you like.

Take us into the next segment,

there, would you, harold?

Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

Whatever you like, sir.

[ keyboard clacking ]

you know, harold,

I can remember the days

when we'd catch so many fish

on possum lake

that the water level

would drop six feet or better.

No way.

There's no possible way

that could happen.

'cause then the fish would be

in the boat with you,

causing him to displace

his own weight in water,

resulting in

a zero net change

in the perceived volume

of the lake.

What do you say about that, doc?

What do you say about that?

Well, all I know

is that the water level

went down eight feet.

You said six.

I was

just being conservative

in case you question me.

Now I say

the hell with it.

Anyway, the water level

was down at least...10 feet.

We came in on our boats,

and our prop cut

all the waterlines.

[ chuckles ]

and the fishing boat

went right underneath the dock.

Yep, all I got to show for it,

of course,

was a bump on the head

and a faceful of spiders,

which I killed by slapping them

with a speckled trout.

Sounds like quite a day.

Oh, golly.

[ sighs ]

my robert goulet albums

are...Missing.

All of them.

Even "the best of..."

well, that's good news.

[ chuckles ]

I'm just kidding, ed.

Bob goulet's

a friend of mine.

What did you do with them,

doc?

Me?

I wouldn't touch

old bobbo's albums.

Heck, the bob-meister and I --

we're like brothers.

[ laughs ]

I know it was you, doc.

Last month,

you took my special clipper

for -- for unsightly nose

and ear hairs,

and you've always put down me

and my --

my showbiz aspirations.

Oh!

My robert goulet albums are --

are missing.

They're -- they're gone.

They're just gone.

Oh!

Is that a problem?

What don't you

just get old doc there

to send down to his friend

bobby goulet?

Maybe he'll send him up a set,

huh?

The old bobbo-meister,

huh?

Before the level in here

sinks another eight feet.

So,

I hear there's been a theft.

My robert goulet albums.

Still, technically,

it is theft.

Can you describe

those stolen items?

Red: I can. I can.

They're round, had a hole

in the center, didn't they?

Just slightly off-center --

a lot like eddie here.

Do you have any suspects?

There's your man!

Eddie thinks

I took the albums.

We all know

it was elvis who did it.

[ laughs ]

well, nobody's gonna treat me

like a fool.

[ chuckles ]

I-I would think

of offering a reward

if the recipient were willing

to donate the money

to the possum lake

little theater group,

which I would start

as soon as I receive the money.

Hey, are you gonna need

a bodyguard

or some sort

of personal protection?

I don't think so.

He will if he goes ahead

with that little theater thing.

[ sighs ]

[ drums and guitar playing ]

♪ I love seeing lipstick

in various shades ♪

♪ from ruby red

through purple ♪

♪ into that light pink

stuff ♪

♪ that joey heatherton wore

in her earlier days ♪

♪ the sight of lipstick

makes my libido take action ♪

♪ reminds you of when uncle bob

wears lipstick ♪

♪ and I almost always have a

completely different reaction ♪

♪ but still... ♪

this week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

what you can do

with all those old

hot-water heaters

you got sitting out

on your front porch.

I know it's kind of fun

just to watch them rust out

as the seasons come and go,

but maybe there's something

better that you could do

for yourself, for your neighbor,

for all of mankind,

or just for yourself.

Have you ever -- you ever

looked at a hot-water heater?

I mean, really looked at one?

Because when I look at this,

I don't see a hot-water heater.

I see a 12,000-cup coffee maker.

I see the world's

most private phone booth.

I see a lawn roller.

I see a beer cooler.

I see a dandy place

to keep magnets.

But more importantly,

I see a project.

Now, you're gonna need

an eggbeater, an aquarium,

an oxygen tank, and a very

understanding insurance agent.

So, I guess they're not laughing

now, are they?

We've built ourselves

a one-man sub.

Now, I-I left the top part off

here.

What you do now is take

that aquarium that I mentioned

and invert that, turn it over,

and put her on here,

and make it sealed off

with, say, silicone caulking

or even duct tape,

as long as it's watertight.

And if you don't have

an aquarium,

you could use one of those pyrex

roasting pans.

It's your choice, really.

So there you are,

floating along, way down the --

the bottom of the ocean floor.

And you can propel yourself

forward with manual power.

Take a look at this.

All right,

and then once in a while,

you'll go, "up, periscope."

I never really understood

a periscope.

And then when you want

to rise to the surface,

you just drop your ballast.

And up you go.

It's that simple.

And I've got her mounted here

on the launching ramp.

You just slide this down

into the water,

but, of course,

it's not gonna go anywhere now

'cause I got the wedges

in place.

But it's just that simple,

and it's a lot of fun.

I think you're gonna really

enjoy your hot-water heater.

So, remember -- if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

I did remember to put

those wedges in, didn't I?

"it is summer.

"I shall never see a sky

so blue.

"I shall never see a cloud

so white.

"I shall never see

another day like it

because I looked into the sun

with binoculars."

wow, now we got eddie in a real

flap over his missing albums.

And then with doc as a suspect,

you never really know

where you stand.

It's not that doc lies so much.

It's just that he embellishes

the truth

to the point

where it's unrecognizable,

kind of like buying

a hyundai pony fully loaded.

Mind you,

you should never buy anything

when you're fully loaded.

Well, not to worry, uncle red,

'cause noel's on the case.

He's got all

the private-detective equipment

he's gonna need.

He got it from the back

of a comic-book ad.

Noel is from the back

of a comic-book ad, harold.

Anyway, uh, noel's another guy

who gets real upset,

so adding him to the mix

is kind of fun, too, you know.

Old man sedgwick, now, he says

he never touched the l.P.S,

but he's offered a reward

to anybody who steals

the rest of them.

And stinky peterson says

he doesn't think the records

are gonna turn up,

but just to be on the safe side,

he smashed the record player.

So, of course, all these things

are just bugging

the crap out of eddie,

so I'm -- I'm more or less

in favor of them.

You know, uncle red,

I find this all incredibly

childish and irresponsible.

That's my opinion.

Well, harold,

if you can't stay young,

you can

at least stay immature.

You know, I wonder

if I'm ever gonna be able

to continue taking part

in this lodge.

Don't tease me, harold.

Boy, it's always so much

colder up this end of the lake.

Noel: Who goes there?

Uh, it's me, noel.

Uh, do I order fries

through this thing, too?

Do you have three pieces

of identification?

Well, I have my body.

How many does that count for?

Please step four paces

back from the door.

Oh, for god's sake.

Oh.

Hi, red.

Just a second.

[ thudding ]

ow.

[ thudding continues ]

expecting relatives?

Well,

there has been a theft.

Ow. Ohh.

There's been a theft,

which means a thief

walks amongst us.

A little extra security would be

a prudent response for everyone

except for said thief,

would it not?

Well, I can take my chances,

noel, okay?

That is

a victim mentality.

No wonder

your life's a disaster.

Me, if I'm confronted

by a thief,

that would make my day.

You know, red...

I have

the strength and training

to reach

right into a man's chest,

rip his heart out, and hand it

back to him before he dies.

Oh, my god.

Oh.

Can you imagine that?

Oh!

It'd be sick.

Oh!

Gooshing in your hand.

I'd wear a glove, I guess.

Starship entry

number 406a.

Reminder -- wear a glove

when you're doing

that heart-ripping thing.

Well, I'm ready for them.

What's your plan?

Well, my plan is I don't have

anything worth stealing.

Kind of an "ounce of prevention"

thing I do.

Ever see "double impact"?

No, no.

Good flick.

Great flick.

The theater was crowded,

was it, noel?

Look, I come by 'cause I want

you to see if you could,

uh, find what happened

to eddie's records, you know?

You'll, like, search around

in garbage and stuff.

Light-years ahead of you,

red.

Item "a" -- a letter...

To doc render

from a certain lady friend.

Where'd you find that?

I opened his mail.

Oh,

so you also have the training

to reach into a man's mailbox

and take his letter.

I had a warrant.

Where is it?

Well,

it's in my good pants.

But I wrote the warrant myself.

I have the authority.

It's in the charter.

Well, I think you better give

that back to doc render.

All in good time.

This is potential evidence.

There are several

overt references

to the golden era

of musical comedy.

I got a theory here, red.

Doc stole those records,

and he sent them as a gift to

his pen pal in the philippines.

You want me

to run that one down?

No, not really. No.

You're a sack of fat,

right?

You're soft

mentally and physically,

especially physically.

Me -- I'm a rock.

Strong, free like a rock.

Great album.

Well, I'll do the tough thing,

and I'll phone that woman,

and I'll find out

your answer,

and you probably

won't even thank me.

Well, you got that right,

noel.

That's why they say

there's 1,000 fred macmurrays

for every one

clint eastwood.

[ clicks tongue ]

well, from the neck up,

anyway.

Oh.

Oh, great.

[ alarm blaring ]

security.

All stations.

Security.

All stations.

[ film projector clicking ]

red:

Thank you, bill.

Uh, this week,

we're gonna build a campfire.

And, uh, one thing

you should know

is we're doing it where there

have been a lot of pesticides.

That didn't really occur to us

at the moment.

Oh, oh.

Thank you again.

But, uh...

Pesticides have been sleeked

into the ground

pretty heavy there over the last

60, 70, 80 years or so,

and it seemed like a good place

for us to build a campfire.

Not gonna burn any brush

or anything,

so we're just trying to get

some kindling together here.

Bill's using the saw.

I kind of -- I don't have time

for things like saws.

I-I kind of like a real good --

a real good ax.

Look out there, bill.

Okay.

Breaks up the kindling

and burns a lot better

and it's just nice

to lash at the ground.

Kind of a fun thing that I do.

Oh, oh, oh.

There she goes again.

It's hard to stick anything

into the ground

'cause there's so much chemical

in there.

There's very little soil.

So, anyway, we got the, uh --

the big logs.

Bill's gonna light her up there,

and --

get the match going.

Come on, bill.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Hurry up. Hurry up.

Hurry up. Hurry up.

Bill, hurry up.

And he still didn't get her

going.

But, you know, we could --

we could feel heat

coming off the -- off the fire,

and it wasn't even going yet.

And that's --

that's very peculiar.

But here again,

I guess what was happening

was that, uh, gosh,

some of those, uh --

some of those pesticides

and what have you

apparently were --

were flammable.

And, uh, we were -- we were

very confused at this point,

'cause we could --

we could feel the heat

and we could smell smoke,

but there wasn't any fire.

Oh, yes, there was.

Yes, there was a fire there.

Oh, I see.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But, you know, bill always looks

at the bright side,

and then he figures

this is gonna save him

a lot of money in matches.

Just at that.

And then he thought maybe

he should just put it out.

You know, he's -- he's

a trained, uh, firefighter --

bill is.

I don't think that's how you put

out a chemical fire, though.

I didn't --

and then he got a good idea.

If you can't get your wood

to get on fire,

you move your wood over

to where the fire is.

[ chuckles ]

so, harold,

I was going up and down

the, uh, tv channels

the other day

and saw that music video one

they got there.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Have you ever seen that before?

Well, uh, yeah,

I've seen it before,

but, you know, I always

thought there was

something wrong with it.

I mean, the picture changes

about 48 times a second.

I thought maybe you needed

a descrambler, you know?

No, uncle red, that's the way

music videos are --

fast-cutting,

lots of images.

What do you mean?

How do you mean?

I mean, what do you mean?

I mean -- I mean, what's

the point of it, you know?

Well, it's an art form,

isn't it?

You know, I directed

my best friend's music video

for his band --

the slugs of attila.

That's the band's name,

right?

They used to be called

gaping chest wound,

but that guy left the group,

right?

Harold, harold,

don't explain that to me, okay?

Oh, okay.

All right.

But see, music videos

have lots of images, right?

See, that way,

they contrast the lyrics,

thusly adding hidden meanings

and poignancy

and women in underwear.

That's a very important

motif.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You know, well, I watched

for about 20 minutes,

and, uh, I can't remember

one thing that I saw.

You know,

it looked like the camera

was attached

to one of them machines

they use to shake up your paint

at the hardware store.

Well, it's very easy

to remember.

Music videos

only have three elements --

one --

women with huge cleavages.

Two -- a guy standing

in a pile of rubble singing.

Or three --

it would be --

and probably the most popular

of all -- people fighting.

That's all you got to remember

is those three,

unless, of course,

it's a country and western.

Then there's gonna be, like,

a guy on a horse

and a woman sitting on a fence,

you know.

If it's heavy metal,

there's gonna be, like, a guy

in a burned-out factory

singing.

That's where

they do those.

And, of course,

if it's rap,

it's gonna be, like, in front of

a brick wall -- a guy yelling.

That's how you tell

the difference.

Well, uh, the one I saw

didn't have any horses,

didn't have

any shaking camera,

didn't have any factories,

okay?

Had the women

with the big cleavages,

and, uh, it had a lot of men

shouting and fighting.

Well, yeah, see, that --

that's an opera.

Oh!

So, uh, eddie's torn

the whole lodge apart,

you know, looking for

these missing albums,

or at least I've been told.

I don't see any difference.

I guess there's no harm done

with this missing-album

business,

but it has drawn a lot

of attention to bob goulet,

and that bothers me a little.

Hopefully we'll get the whole

mess, uh, straightened out

at -- at tonight's

lodge meeting.

We -- we'd all hate to think

we had a thief among us.

We know we have a womanizer,

a liar,

three con artists, two bullies,

and a tightwad.

I don't think

that's a very respectful way

to talk about

your fellow lodge members.

Oh, yeah,

and a socially challenged idiot.

Thanks for reminding me,

harold.

But, you know, a thief is --

is something else

and surprising,

considering we have nothing of

any value up here at the lodge,

I mean, other

than the intangibles --

you know, friendships

and, uh, petty jealousies,

and, uh, I guess

the arm wrestling.

You wouldn't the thief

to mess any of that up.

I don't get it,

uncle red.

How come, like,

you know, you guys

are always borrowing stuff

from each other,

then wrecking it,

then returning it, you know?

What's the big difference,

really?

A big difference, harold.

I mean, number one -- you get it

back when it's totaled.

And number two --- you can then

borrow something from that guy

and mangle it, especially

if you know it'll upset him.

Ha.

There's so much

to being a man

that I have yet

to really understand.

[ screeching in distance ]

oh, there it is.

That's the call to the meeting.

Come on, uncle red --

the day or reckoning.

Let's get down there

and find out what's going on.

Yeah, okay, harold.

Uh, well,

we'll be able to probably

straighten this album thing out

pretty quickly,

and then we can all get back

to our normal lives,

with the exception of harold,

for obvious reasons.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Sit down.

Wow, simon and theodore

seem pretty anxious here.

So, eddie, find your albums?

That's not funny.

We can prove

that doc stole them.

I didn't take them.

You took them,

mister.

I didn't take them!

Give it a rest.

What about this lady friend

in the philippines?

I don't have any lady friend

in the philippines,

and I didn't take

the stupid albums, huh?

I thought you'd say

something like that.

Yeah.

Maybe, uh -- maybe red

would like to make a comment

about that letter I showed you

earlier today.

I-I sure would.

Uh, that letter was none

of noel's damn business.

Hey, hey, hey!

What's sauce for the goose, red.

Noel took that letter

because doc took my albums.

I did not.

Several lodge members

saw you take that stuff out of

eddie's room last night, huh?

I was borrowing

a pillow.

Can't you understand?

Are you not listening, huh?

Read my lips.

I did not take the albums.

We found an album cover

under your bed.

All right, you're right.

I took them, sure.

I took them.

Yes, I did.

And I even know

why you took them.

You took them 'cause you wanted

to make a gift.

I did not.

I say you did.

Well, I didn't.

I say you did.

All right, I did.

Sure, you got me there.

All right, uh, yeah,

I took them

'cause I wanted to make a gift,

uh, for eddie!

[ indistinct shouting ]

yeah, I wanted to make something

for you

out of the albums, ed.

Oh, sure.

Well, where is it?

Oh, well,

I'm not exactly sure

where the darn thing's

gone to.

Actually,

it's right back here.

Oh! Hey!

It's, uh --

it's an hors d'oeuvre tray, ed.

I-I-I-I-I --

it's -- it's beautiful.

I-I-I don't know

what to say.

Thank you.

Yeah, I think that goes

for all of us, doc.

I thought we could have

a bob goulet theme dinner

one night, you know?

Maybe fill the tray

with chunks of ham.

We could all wear album covers

as hats.

[ cries ]

that's so thoughtful

of you.

I forgive you!

Bob would have wanted

to go this way...

Well, just before

I lose my entire meal,

maybe we should turn

to the man of the hour here.

Uh, doc, why don't you get up

and entertain us

with one of your jokes, eh?

Well, okay.

Yay!

Tell that funny one.

Well, now, it seems there was

this, uh, traveling salesman.

[ laughs ]

well, now, that's one of

the reasons I never lose faith

in man's ability

to solve his own problems.

It's gonna be a long time

before eddie realizes

that was more of a gift to us

than it was to him.

Anyway, uh,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I think I figured out

what it was I said

at that party last week

that got you so upset,

and I'd like to take

my third guess tonight.

If I'm wrong,

I'm gonna have to go

with a blanket apology

covering the last 30 years,

which I know you're getting

real tired of hearing.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

anyway, he was putting

the indoor/outdoor

into the yakacon palace.

Kind of a gift,

I guess, whatever.

And I don't know what it was,

trying whacked carpet nails

into the solid...

[ laughs ]

well, that was a long,

long trip, boy.

45 days.

Nothing but curried beef.

Wow!

[ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

anyway, this traveling

salesman's out in the country,

and he's tired

and a little sleepy,

and he sees this farmhouse

off in the distance.

[ laughs ]

one of those lovely,

you know, amish jobs.

Kind of a hip roof.