Maxi Golf/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Here's the host with the most,

in terms of facial hair

and creditors, that is,

your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

hey, harold.

Appreciate it.

Thank you very much!

Well, by golly.

You've probably guessed,

today is our annual tournament

for those of us in the p.G.A.,

possum golf association.

The lodge members will be

thwacking their niblicks

and swinging their mashies.

You guys

belong on

the links, the missing links.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

The missing links!

I heard you guys were banned

from the golf course

for life without parole.

We played the way

the british play golf,

where they divide it up

into teams.

Polo.

They played polo

on a public golf course.

We weren't playing polo.

They're on horses.

We were on

all-terrain vehicles.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the message being,

don't think about

changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

Even though we've been banned

from the possum lake

golf and ski club,

we're going ahead

with our tournament.

We were thinking of using

the port asbestos institute

for the criminally insane.

They got that big grassy area.

But, the inmates

thought it would

interfere with their rehab.

We'll use a course by

the drive-in theatre.

What course is that?

There's that empty field

with old school buses in it.

Then there's city hall,

the go-kart track,

then there's the hospital.

After that--

ha! Ha-ha!

You're gonna have

your tournament

at pete's park and putt

mini golf!

Oh, yes!

Well, maybe it's not

the masters.

But it's flat, it's green,

it's got 18 holes.

Big whoop -- so does

moose thompson's underwear.

Big deal.

(red): Something special--

oh boy.

I was about to say

something special this week.

Gonna do some glass blowing.

He wanted a book

from the library.

I didn't realize

we had a library.

There we go.

"glass blowing made easy".

That's a book

that's about glass blowing.

Boy, it was a hot day.

I'm trying to give him a hint

as to how warm I...

Bill, I'm kinda warm.

If you had any kind of

a soft drink--

there we go.

Thank you very much.

I don't know

how cold that will be.

Well, that cooled me down

a little.

Mind you, I was hoping to

take it internally.

What's going on here, bill?

For gosh sakes,

he wants to use the bottles.

This is an ancient art.

You take any kind of glass.

I guess he wanted

the colour of the bottles.

(glass breaking)

(cow mooing)

oh boy.

I think he may have hit

elsie the cow

with a piece of glass.

Anyway, there's another source

of glass.

These are never problems,

they're opportunities.

He can get that window glass

in there with the bottles

and the various other glasses.

You want to break them up

into the tiny pieces.

And just, uh...

I'm starting to wonder about

bill's ability to grip things.

Oh.

Now he's added safety glass,

which is a good idea with bill.

Anyways,

hopefully,

he's got enough glass.

Now he can break that

into little pieces.

Just use the van

any way you want, bill.

That's absolutely fine.

And you can use

any kind of glass you want.

What's the matter?

Where's your glasses, bill?

(laughing)

(audience laughing)

♪ oh, all the men up here

knew her ♪

♪ they called her

the rose of the lodge ♪

♪ she had a face

of an angel ♪

♪ and the rear end

of a '53 dodge ♪

♪ oh, the rose of the lodge

they called her ♪

♪ and I'll tell you

the reason for that ♪

♪ her father was bud ♪

♪ her mom was a climber ♪

♪ and she had thorns

all over her back ♪

ok, today's contestants

are playing for

a oil, lube and fluid check

from stanley's fried chicken.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Humphrey to say

this word.

"imaginative."

and go!

All right,

dalton.

Creative.

Sneaky.

Someone with

original ideas is...

Trouble-maker.

Bad influence.

It's a foreigner.

(audience laughing)

no -- people who write books

and make movies and have art,

they're

very...

Rich.

People who see things

other people don't see.

Delusional.

Weird.

Sick

in the head.

Inventive.

Smart-alec.

Ingenious.

Not normal.

People buy that crap

in your store.

They think

you're ripping them off.

In your mind,

you're...

Imaginative.

There we go!

There you go.

This week I thought I'd take

old man sedgwick's coffee table

and restore it to

its original condition.

Maybe not original condition,

but the condition it was in

before moose thompson

sat on it.

(blowing)

the problem here is the legs

are way too spindly on this,

as they are on

old man sedgwick.

So, I'm going to fix that up.

I guess a lot of people

would throw that out.

But, hey, I'm not

a lot of people.

I'm barely me.

I'm going to turn a new set

of legs for that table

with this electric lathe.

The electric lathe,

great for making round stuff,

like candlestick holders,

swimming pools, hats.

Take the wood stock--

well, not woodstock really.

And you just fire that

in there like that.

And you take one of

these tools, and shave off

anything that isn't round.

Like what you do in the shower.

Plug her in.

Fire her up.

(sparking)

did I mention to make sure

that you centre the wood

in the lathe?

Mark the centre of each end

of the piece of wood

using the most accurate device

in the handyman's repertoire,

your eye.

(lathe starting)

I'm thinking, hey,

if we're gonna make

round things out of wood,

why not start with

a round piece of wood?

Surprised you didn't

figure that out.

Let's have a serious moment

about safety.

That's a very powerful

industrial tool.

I'd recommend you get

a high-quality safety helmet,

some sort of eye shield,

safety-goggle type of unit.

And thick

industrial-strength gloves.

These things are important.

This is your health at stake.

There was one other thing.

Can't remember.

I guess it wasn't important.

Let's get lathing.

The tools are over there.

(ripping)

that was the thing

I forgot to mention.

Don't wear loose clothing.

Ok, let's make table legs.

(glass breaking)

wrong tool.

And, look at that!

You've made legs for your table

using your lathe.

Ha ha ha ha.

Just that simple.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Oh boy.

Stay tuned and relax.

Whatever this is,

we've got a lot more.

Welcome to "autobiography",

where members of possum lodge

talk about cars that have

some significance to them.

This week we have

winston rothschild

of rothschild sewage

and septic sucking services.

No tank too big,

no tank too small.

Teacup or cesspool,

we suck 'em all.

(audience laughing)

(applause)

are we there yet?

Winston, maybe you could

tell us about

your first car.

Great memory.

She was an old ford.

I'll never forget.

Country squire ranch wagon.

That's the one that had

the real

imitation-wood sides.

(audience laughing)

what a great car

those fords were.

The body, forget about it.

Rusts right off.

But the v-8 engine,

go forever.

You know, the new fords

don't rust like the old ones.

(audience laughing)

sort of miss that,

to be honest.

Yeah.

That wagon,

that was a big unit.

I ran my first business

out of that wagon.

I thought you just had

the septic business.

What were you doing then?

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh yeah.

I mounted the pump

in the passenger side

where you are.

Then I'd flip

the back seat down,

put a swimming pool liner

in there.

She'd hold 400 gallons.

So you're carrying

sewage in your car?

Until I got enough money

for the downpayment

on the truck --

but I was motivated

'cause that was

the hottest summer on record.

Here's what I did.

I would pop out

the front windshield,

and I'd stick my head

out the side.

And I'd go like a banshee,

and the wind

would knock all of that

into the back.

Although, I got to tell you,

I still break out into

a cold sweat

every time I see a stop sign.

(audience laughing)

(playing bagpipes)

oh!

(audience laughing)

(applause)

(cheering)

(cheering and whistling)

yeah,

yeah, yeah.

Well... Well, we had

our golf tournament at

pete's park and putt mini golf.

We carried on the proud

possum lodge tradition

of getting banned

from everywhere we go.

Yeah!

(whimpering)

I didn't know golf was

a full-contact sport.

It is, the way we play it.

In fairness,

the miniature golf thing

confused some of the guys.

We should have told them

not to use drivers.

Yeah, and their

electric golf carts.

Yeah.

Those guys are the worst sports

I've ever seen.

Golf's a frustrating game.

Especially that hole

where you putt

between the legs of snow white

and the seven dwarfs.

On his 9th try,

stinky lost his temper

and buried his pitching wedge

in sneezy's forehead.

Cleared his sinuses.

Yeah.

Anyway, we figured out that

the problem with miniature golf

is not the golf.

It's the miniature.

We're gonna start again with

a new course, new equipment,

and a brand-new game

we call maxi golf.

Maxi golf?

Mini golf is out,

maxi golf is in.

Big holes, big clubs,

big balls.

(audience laughing)

(siren)

(siren stops)

possum 911 -- what's your

name and membership number?

Uh, my name's dave.

My number is 4--

oh, 5-6-7-9-2.

We'll insert that

into the possum lodge computer

to verify your membership.

Yeah.

Oh, dave, you're behind

in your dues, aren't you?

Uh...

It's in the mail.

Sounds good to me --

what's your problem?

I've got a real emergency

happening here.

We're looking to buy

a new vehicle

and she wants to buy --

oh, gosh -- a minivan.

Ohhh, man!

That's a tough one, dave.

A minivan, red --

what am I gonna do?

I really don't see the problem.

I think they're sporty

and sharp and fuel-efficient.

I wish I had one!

Yeah, see, red?

I don't want to end up

like harold.

I'm with you, there, dave.

A minivan may seem

on the feminine side

but you can dress 'em up.

You can get the masculine

accessories on that.

That's true.

Just be careful, you know?

Don't get bad stuff,

like those custom wheel covers.

They're gaudy, they really are.

Or those tacky mud-flaps with

silhouettes of naked ladies.

There's no respect

for the feminine personages

by doing that.

Or people put those neon lights

underneath the vehicle!

What's goin' on there?

That's a waste of energy.

A waste of en-er-gy!

If you're looking

at the ground,

you're not watching the road!

They got these air-horns --

sound like they stole them

off a diesel train

or something.

And those mufflers go...

(imitating loud muffler)

I think drummers

are coming at me.

I don't know what that's about.

They got these mud-flaps

and fender skirts

and running boards.

Running boards?

I tried running.

You can't get any speed.

Keep running off the thing.

And then you got those tailpipe

extensions -- come on!

Did you get all that?

What was the last one?

Tailpipe extensions.

Yes, uh, thanks.

I hope we can afford all this.

(laughing and applause)

(red): All right,

it's glass-blowing time,

"adventures with bill", here.

Put the glass into the--

put the glass--

that's not glass.

These are plastic items, bill.

What's goin' on?

I guess he decided

to abandon the glass thing.

He's gonna blow plastic.

That's kind of unusual.

All kinds of plastic--

wait, wait, wait, wait!

All right, all right.

Melt all the plastic together

and make a big goopy--

ohhh!

Make a big goopy thing, there.

Golly, take a good--

wow! I'm telling you!

Holy mackerel, that will

set you back a couple of years.

Holy jumpin'!

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

It's cheaper than

a case of beer.

Up she comes --

what the heck we got there?

Wow! He looks good with a pipe.

Whoa! And there we go,

and then, see,

that is just a piece

of copper piping.

Gets a ball of the goop

on the end.

He swirls that so it seals up.

Then he can blow it.

I guess this is the modern

version of glass blowing.

You're blowing the plastic.

Got all the carcinogens...

Bill, I think that might be...

Bill, think that might--

bill, I'm thinkin'-- bill!

Bill, I'm thinkin'...

I'm thinkin'

see you later, bill.

That's what I'm thinkin'.

By golly, wouldn't that be

eight feet across?

It's gonna go-- no, no, no, no!

(bill): Ohhhhhh!

Ahhhhhh!

Ohhhh!

(red): Told you.

There's bill,

a veneer of his former self.

Either that, or he's plastered.

You ok, bill?

Ahhhh!

(red): Here's a pair

of possum lodge binoculars

sent to us by a viewer.

We're ready to tee off

for the first possum lodge

maxi golf tournament.

You want to be

in my foursome,

harold?

Is that the trophy?

Who would want that?

It's not a trophy.

That's our golf tee.

(audience laughing)

if that's the tee,

how big is this maxi ball?

Pretty darned maxi.

You know that big brass ball

they got painted like jupiter,

over the entrance

of the jupiter drive-in?

It's not there any more.

That thing's, like,

six feet across.

You'll need, like,

holes 7 feet across,

10 feet deep.

Where will you find

18 of those?

The pot-holes on the road

in to town.

Oh, yeah,

he's right.

You could

do that.

What are you

gonna use

to hit 'em with?

It's not a regular golf ball.

It's like a... A planet!

My big blue eight-iron, harold.

The possum van.

Ohhh!

Big, blue, it's a v-8

and it's made of iron.

And a huge sweet spot --

the whole front grille.

Talk about driving the ball,

eh, harold?

(audience laughing)

welcome to the expert portion,

where we examine

those three words

that men find

so difficult to say....

(audience):

"I don't know!"

neither do they!

On this week's expert portion,

we have guests.

My uncle red, natch,

and his best friend

in the whole room,

pilot buzz sherwood!

(applause and cheering)

ok.

(cheering and whistling)

this viewer writes,

"dear experts,

"I'm fed up with crime.

"I'm thinking of moving

to possum lake.

"is there much crime

where you are?"

ahhh -- good question.

There's no crime up here,

unless borrowing something

and never giving it back

is called theft.

(buzz): Well...

Some of the wardrobe choices

up here border on the criminal.

(laughing)

yeah, your outfit could get

a ticket for littering.

Yeah, well, yours would get one

for... Loitering!

(laughing)

about this lady's question,

though...

Let's just say, ma'am,

that nobody here would be on

"america's most wanted".

Maybe "america's most wasted".

"america's"...

Uh, "america's

most" what?

Wanted.

"america's

most wanted".

You don't watch television,

mr. Sherwood?

Not since "the mod squad", man.

(audience laughing)

"america's most wanted",

it's a television show.

It shows unsolved crimes from

5, 10, even 20 years ago.

Actors play the criminals,

which isn't a stretch.

20 million bucks

for "cable guy"? Please!

They show suspects' pictures.

They look like moose thompson's

driver's licence photo.

Looks like moose thompson's

driver's licence photo.

Robert stack's the host.

He did "the untouchables"

and nothing since.

He says, "do you recognize

this face?

"does this person

look familiar?

"if so, phone in now."

everybody at home goes,

"my god, I know him!"

"that guy's beside me at work."

they phone and say,

"robert stack?

"the guy's here --

come and get him!"

(audience laughing)

(applause)

that's "america's

most wanted".

You never seen that?

What? What?

What? What? What?

(audience laughing)

should we phone

robert stack?

(laughing)

(whimpering)

ahhhh!

Excuse me, harold.

Well, gotta tell ya,

our game of maxi golf

was a big, big hit.

I got hit

by the ball!

Yeah, big, big hit.

You shouldn't have been

on the fairway.

I was in the middle

of the road!

I was walking

ahead of you guys.

We were playing through,

harold.

This makes you look

like a real golfer.

You got a dog-leg left.

You should have yelled "fore!"

it was a chrysler --

I should have yelled "dodge!"

(laughing)

yeah, by golly.

What a great game, boy!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(laughing)

man, oh, man, the bunch of us,

driving our cars,

bashing into that ball.

Junior singleton needs

a front-end alignment.

He whiffed on one shot, rolled

his truck into the ravine.

(laughing)

talk about

your bad lies.

Wait till he tells his wife!

(possum squeal)

meeting time,

uncle red.

Squeal

of the possum.

Away you go, harold.

Oh, boy.

(audience laughing)

well...

(laughing and applause)

(laughing)

(applause)

if my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home

after the meeting.

You've never been

a big fan of golf,

but I was hoping maybe later

we could play "a round"...

Unless you're teed off!

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and mr. Niblick

and the gang at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down, guys.

(harold): We got

a flash bulletin today.

Moose thompson's making

some of his world-famous chili.

If you know anyone

who lives south of us,

you might want to start

sending out smoke signals,

whatever you can think of.

Save a life!

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!