The Big Thing/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

(cheering)

thank you very much.

Very much.

Thank you very much.

Pretty exciting this week.

It appears that

a very important, big visitor

is driving through

the possum lake area.

Let me guess, let me guess,

let me guess!

Uh, supermodel

claudia schiffer.

No, it's not a person.

It's a thing.

Oh -- fabio.

(audience laughing)

no, no, no, no.

The road crew's

on the main highway.

They're widening her out

for a super-transport

carrying a big thing.

What's this

big thing called?

Had lots of q's and l's in it.

Doesn't matter --

it's not important.

What matters is,

it's a big thing.

This is an occasion

for any community.

This kind of thing

bonds a town,

brings us all together

for an event.

You're talking tailgate party?

A killer.

(audience laughing)

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): We got a great show

for you.

I'm pumped.

Mike will try to say

the word "remorse".

Speaking of sorry things,

ranger gord is with us.

There's a funny thing

near the end of the show.

And bring charcoal --

right, bye.

Junior singleton found out

that this big thing is coming

on a custom-built trailer.

That means it's special

and really big.

So... So what?

You'll be cooking up

your famous tailgate hot-dogs?

No, I want to do something

kind of special.

Buster hadfield thought

we could honour the big thing

by having big food.

Big food for big mouths.

No, big food is too obvious.

It's too on the nose.

And on the face and the chin

and the lap...

It's gonna be

quite a thing, harold.

Everybody's all revved up.

Everybody's excited, you know?

The barber shop's booked.

Women have bought

new track suits.

(audience laughing)

it's just a big thing.

Why turn everything into

such a...

... Big thing?

Yeah!

Have you ever considered

you shouldn't go out there?

Maybe it's full

of toxic chemicals.

That's the ticket!

I'll make my tailgate chili!

Ohhhh!

(applause)

(red): Bill and I will assemble

a high viewing stand

so he can sit

and watch the big thing.

He'd asked me to come over

and help him.

I thought the van

would come in handy.

Sorry, bill.

Hopefully, he has

another plan.

He needs a medical plan.

Ok, this is the big one!

For a pizza

with everything on it,

courtesy of the possum lake

petting zoo,

you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Hamar

to say this word.

There you go --

30 seconds and begin.

Uh, all right, mike.

When you feel sorry

for something,

that means you have...

... Been

caught.

No, uh...

Have you ever felt bad

about something?

Um... Patrol car...

Uh, holding cell...

Don't guess.

Handcuffs,

solitary...

Mike, you're getting

on my nerves.

Oh, I'm sorry, mr. Green.

You're sorry --

that's what I want.

When you're feeling sorry,

you go to the person

and you say you have...

... A plea bargain.

(audience laughing)

you're almost out of time.

I'm doing

my best.

No, it's really...

It's me.

I'm just useless --

I can't do this.

I'm a piece of garbage.

I-I-I'm embarrassed,

I'm so bad.

You know what? I'm so bad...

Mere words cannot express

the dissatisfaction I feel,

my dyspepsia...

(harold):

You're wrong.

It's all over.

My remorse.

(ringing bell)

aw, right on!

Oh, that was close!

(applause)

♪ oh, there's a happy

whistling in the air ♪

♪ everything's bright

and clear ♪

♪ you burned the hair

off both of your arms ♪

♪ and there's a piece missing

from the top of one ear ♪

♪ while you're waiting

for the ambulance ♪

♪ you review

the things you did ♪

♪ and the next time

you start to barbecue ♪

♪ you'll remember

to open the lid ♪

(making

explosion sounds)

with this big thing

coming through town

and everybody getting out there

to take a boo at it,

I'll use "handyman corner"

to show how you can rise

above the crowd... Literally.

When you go to public events

like a stock car race

or a mock lynching

or a post office fire,

you don't want to stand

for minutes at a time.

How do you get your chair

six feet off the ground?

You get yourself

some of these inner tubes,

lay one down on the floor,

lay another one on top,

and attach them,

using rubber cement

or elastic cord or --

that's right --

the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

Once you got the duct tape on,

take one of the inner tubes,

stick her right on top, there.

You wanna make sure

that you line the valves up.

Then you grab another one.

Put it right on there.

As I say,

get those valves aligned,

and grab another one.

Same deal, same

"nothing new here".

Push that down.

And now you take your chair...

Put that right on top.

Seal that up.

All right.

Sit down and start pumping.

You'll get

a whole new perspective.

Now...

(grunting)

all right.

That's got her.

We'll just disconnect

that one...

And hook the hose

onto the next...

(air escaping)

I could probably

stand up and do this.

No, there, we got her.

Pump up the next tube.

(grunting)

ok, ok, yeah, ok.

You should have

thought of this.

See what's wrong here?

You should have started pumping

the bottom inner tube first.

What are you gonna do?

You're gonna take the air out,

start all over again.

(grunting)

and done!

What do you think?

I'll be able to see everything.

Nothing's gonna get in my way.

I'm looking over

people's heads.

I'll see for miles.

I'm up here, comfy as heck.

Can even peel a snack

while I'm waiting

for the big thing.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Oh!

Uh-oh!

Ooh!

Ohhhh!

There's nothing to see here.

Keep moving... Ohhhh!

Stay tuned -- I prove

there's nothing funny

about being afraid of spiders.

Junior singleton heard

that the big thing

is less than 24 hours away.

The best view will be

from lovers' leap.

That's what everybody thought.

Half the town's up there.

The weight was so much,

the cliff collapsed.

(audience laughing)

lovers' leap

is now lovers' lump.

I'll go to that hill just to

the west of dalton's place.

You know the... The...

The cemetery.

No, that's packed, too.

Instead of a tailgate party, it

looks like a tombstone party.

Looks like the dead have risen

and are picnicking.

There's still room

by the mausoleum.

Fine, I may not have

the best view,

but I'll have

the best tailgate party.

Did you buy tickets

for the big-thing pool?

What can you bet on?

How many people

will get food poisoning

before the big thing arrives?

No, harold, we're betting

on the number of tires.

I understand it weighs

30,000 pounds.

A normal tire's

30 pounds pressure.

I'm guessing a thousand tires.

Excellent reasoning.

I'm gonna make money.

Well, I definitely will.

I'm gonna videotape it.

It's gonna be

a commemorative video.

It's gonna be

the ultimate souvenir.

You said the big thing

was stupid

and meaningless and irrelevant.

It is -- it's perfect

for television.

(audience laughing)

hi, ranger gord again.

People don't know

that a forest fire

is a natural part

of a forest's evolution.

It clears the underbrush,

and is the only way

many coniferous trees

can start to grow.

My job as a forest ranger is

to prevent forest fires.

For the life of me,

I can't remember why.

(chuckling)

it's "male call"!

(applause and cheering)

(whooping)

ok, here's our first letter,

from allan bertha in alberta.

"dear red green,

we absolutely love your show.

"everyone we've turned on

to the show

"has raved about

how great it is.

"they're all rabid fans.

"what a fine, fine programme."

waaa-haw-haw!

"the show is clever,

thoughtful, and informative.

"you're really a wonder

"in canadian television.

"long live

'the new red and green show.'"

well, actually, it's not

"the new red and green show".

It's just

"the new red green show".

There's no "and".

I may change my middle name

to "and".

Oh, look, ok.

"my son's favourite part

is when you race your boat."

race your boat?

I know what he means.

Remember the water skiing,

"adventures with bill"?

Oh, that's, like,

three seasons ago.

Well, that's-- all righty.

"we also like

when you and your band sing."

(audience laughing)

no, they're talking

about the campfire songs.

Yeah, the

campfire songs.

I'm in a band!

All right, um...

"my dad's favourite part is the

sports bloopers" -- ok, what?

(audience laughing)

all right, I--

uh, yes, yes.

There is a part

with sports bloopers on.

I can't remember it right now.

Thanks, I appreciate that.

The important thing is

that they like the show.

"and when you and your wife

and daughter

"sing your closing song,

we get a tear in our eyes."

(audience laughing)

"keep up the good work, or,

as red and green always say,

"'make hay

while the sun shines.'"

(audience laughing)

uh, all right, all right.

Well, uh, thanks very much,

you know.

Probably be

more sports bloopers

coming up in the future.

We're gonna back off on

singing with the daughters.

I should tell you that.

Until then, keep watching

and, uh...

Make hay while the sun shines.

(applause)

garth harble here,

animal control.

This week

we're featuring insects.

Come on in here, red.

Something happen to

your hands there, garth?

Ok, all right.

That's a good tip

for you young people.

If you're out in the woods

and a beehive,

or, for that matter,

a hornets' nest

should fall out of the trees,

don't try to catch it.

How many stings

did you take, garth?

Gee, I'd say 30, 40, 50,

something like that.

Had blurred vision

for a couple of days.

Boss wouldn't let me

take any time off,

just wouldn't let me

drive the truck.

I love that truck.

So, is that your tip

for this week?

Huh?

Your tip?

Oh, no -- today

we're talking about spiders.

Don't like spiders.

I know, I know.

Arachnophobia.

It's a common fear.

But there's no reason for it,

because 99% of

the world's spiders

are a valuable, harmless part

of the ecological chain.

It's just that most people

don't want them around

their house.

So here's a tip.

Take a piece of bread --

could be rye, pumpernickel,

and soak that

in water and sugar.

Put that in a jar

and keep the top off.

Oh, gee, that doesn't want to

come off.

Give me a hand with it.

How many, uh,

how many you got in there?

Oh, gee, I'd say, 1, 2,

I'd say 600 or 700.

Don't like spiders.

Help me with it.

Go on, go on, go on.

Oh, catch it!

Oh, oh, no!

Oh, there he goes.

They look angry.

He's up that way.

(laughing)

another super day.

Oops, there he goes.

Right up there.

(laughing)

well, less than 12 hours

until the big thing

comes through on the highway.

Speculation

is going crazy around here.

Nuclear reactor, space shuttle,

pipeline.

Maybe it's just all the copies

to kevin costner's "waterworld".

Uncle red, uncle red!

The town's empty.

The cemetery's empty --

everybody's gone.

It's like that movie

"brain suckers from mars",

except our town's dumpier.

There's a rumour

that the big thing

is too big for the highway,

so they're bringing it up

on the rail line.

Let's go there.

No -- everybody's gone.

So we can go to the highway

and get a good spot

for our tailgate party.

You started that rumour.

That's dirty!

I have no idea what

you're talking about.

Grab the bag.

You told a fib to get

a better parking spot.

I don't like line-ups.

How do you feel about

police line-ups?

How do you feel

about mug shots?

Wouldn't mind taking

a shot at yours.

(audience laughing)

hi, there --

ranger gord again.

In the 16 years I've been

manning fire watchtower 13

I've observed all manner of

exotic animal behaviour.

But there's three things

I still don't understand.

First, why do foxes

circle twice

before they lie down?

Why do deer stop and stare

if you shine a light

in their eyes?

The third thing is,

why do bears

always scratch themselves

against tree--

oh.

Ooh.

Well, maybe there's

only two things

I don't understand.

(red): Meanwhile,

I'm back with bill

trying to make this scaffold,

raised-up-thing.

This is a three-legged ladder.

It's used for picking things

out of trees.

Bill should have picked

a better ladder.

Then he gets an idea.

Tie that off like a tether,

like they do with a horse,

a three-legged horse.

They tether them off

apparently.

We'll use a third ladder

as scaffolding.

Kind of working in threes.

It's a scaffold

manege a trois.

The ladder was, unfortunately,

a little long.

Rather than take the time

to move the ladders,

bill decided he'd

horse her in there.

What happened was --

whoa, whoa, whoa.

Out come the legs.

Out come the tethers.

Don't watch this, kids.

This gets violent.

Boy, that's gotta hurt.

This part here's

no fun either.

So we regroup and get

that ladder tied up there.

I'm getting out of there.

Bill decides he's gonna...

Boy, oh, boy.

Amazing, isn't it?

Don't try this at home,

if you happen to have

some three-legged ladders.

He gets himself up there.

He says he's got

a good perspective

to watch the big thing go by.

What do you want?

Huh?

Oh, my gosh.

He's gonna sit

in a lawn chair.

He's got his thermos.

What's in there, bill?

Intelligence?

Look at him sitting there.

Mind you, he'd added

a lot of weight.

Bill, do you notice something

going terribly wrong?

Oh boy, oh boy,

oh boy, oh boy, oh, oh.

I told him

this wouldn't work.

Wait now.

Wait a second.

Yeah, this does give me

a better view of the parade.

Find out how hap got into

"the guiness book of records".

My uncle red

can't be here right now.

He's at the highway

waiting for the big thing.

That's where everybody is.

They've got everything

down there.

There's hot-dog stands

and chip wagons.

Pony rides,

they got pony rides.

They got phone booths

and portable toilets.

It's like woodstock,

but instead of having

the best music,

they've got...

A really big thing.

I wasn't the only one

who had an idea about

selling stuff.

Dalton humphrey has got these.

"I saw the big thing."

and there's, uh...

"big thing on board".

It's for uncle red.

"my folks went to see

the big thing

"and all I got was

this little thing."

harold, where were ya?!

You missed the big contraption

coming down the road,

taking out poles,

taking out trees,

taking out lines.

The big

thing came?!

No, no, no,

moose thompson.

He nailed five picnic tables

to his truck for his party.

He's barrelling into town.

By the time he got there

it was covered with

laundry and pieces of birds.

Yeah,

oh, yeah.

We gotta go.

Bernice is holding our space.

You folks watch this.

Come on, harold.

Here we are

with hap shaughnessy.

What are we fishing for?

Speckled trout.

The conditions are good.

I think I'm gonna

hook a big one.

Might get into "the guiness

book of world records".

No, not again.

Let someone else

have a turn.

You're telling me

that you're in

"the guiness book

of world records"?

Yeah, a few times.

Have a category for b.S.,

do they?

Probably.

I'm in it for

the world's longest kiss,

the world's strongest man,

and the world's fattest man:

972 pounds.

And I set the record for

the most weight ever lost

by one person: 801 pounds,

and the longest bungee jump.

Those last two records

were set the same day.

You'll never guess

what I found, hap.

"the guiness book

of world records".

What page did you say

you were on?

All my records

have been broken by now.

Especially

the world's fattest man.

I guess this new guy

just wanted it more.

Without any proof, hap,

it makes a lot of the things

you say hard to believe.

I don't care whether

you believe me or not.

I'm not out to set

any records.

I don't know, hap.

Some of the stories you tell,

you've got to be getting

pretty close.

Yeah, I guess he's right.

Hey, handyman,

here's a tip for ya.

If you're trying to pull-start

a lawn mower

and it doesn't go

on the first 117 tries,

give it up.

Otherwise you're gonna

pull ligaments

through this area,

right up into the shoulder.

And don't ever kick a machine

with soft-soled shoes on.

(engine starts)

hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, you!

Come back here.

The big thing was

a big bust.

Didn't even show up.

I think that road crew

was having us on.

What are you

talking about?

The big thing came by at 9:25.

I didn't see it, harold.

None of the lodge members

saw it.

Of course not!

You were in the mini-putt thing

all day.

The rest of the guys were

line dancing,

riding the ferris wheel,

in the beer garden.

Was it big?

Huge.

What was it, harold?

You can find out

for merely $10, v.H.S.

Or $12, beta.

(audience laughing)

I had to climb over brambles

and rock in mercury creek

to get these shots.

I hung by a tree by my feet.

But I am going to be rich,

because I am the only one

with footage of...

The big thing.

Everybody's gonna

want one copy.

Oh no, they're not, harold.

Everybody's talking about

the big thing for days.

Not the big thing --

going to the big thing.

Going on rides,

playing bingo,

eating barbecue,

having the beer tent.

That was the fun.

Course, you missed that,

but that's normal.

But I'm the one who saw

the thing that was carrying

the big thing,

I know how many tires it had --

59.

Great, I win.

No way --

you said 1,000!

Didn't have to get right on --

I'm the closest.

(possum

squeal)

meeting

time.

Away you go, harold.

Oh, cheer up.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be home after the meeting.

I'd like to give you

my prize

because you are the big thing

in my life.

I hope that makes up for

what I yelled

on the roller coaster.

I was using an expression.

I wasn't referring to

your mother.

Thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the gang at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(possum squeal)

(snoring)

(harold): All rise.

(red and harold): Quando omni

flunkus, moritati.

Closed captions

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Boy, this it too much!