The Rustproofing Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's a killer to realize

that your car is middle-aged.

And it gets worse when

body parts start falling off

or fluid starts leaking.

It's not smart or correct,

but it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

on today's show,

glen's gonna show us

a little more

of how to run a business

without working,

dougie and I talk about

what to do

when your dog leaves a bit

of himself on the carpet,

bill and I are gonna take turns

being quarterback,

and I'm gonna show you

how to make a self-washing car.

And now here's the reason

the great outdoors

is still a dangerous place,

my uncle, red green!

Red: Thank you.

And here's the reason the

indoors is a dangerous place,

my nephew, harold.

[ sawing ]

boy, oh, boy.

Big challenge

up at the lodge this week.

Moose thompson took his truck in

to be repainted.

Now, usually, we just paint

the vehicles ourselves,

but, apparently,

the last time we did it,

we didn't clean up too well,

and -- and

all of the paint rollers

were stuck in the trees still.

Uncle red, nothing personal,

you know,

but painting vehicles

is a professional trade.

I mean, you guys leave

fingerprints all over the place.

You paint the windows,

you paint the mirrors.

You just can't do it right.

Well, harold "do-right,"

a professional paint job

costs 500 bucks.

We can do it for $30.

That means we can paint

our vehicles every season

and still come out ahead.

How do you paint a vehicle

for $30?

The paint

costs more than that.

Well, the 30 bucks

is for the beer.

We steal the paint.

Oh, I knew there was a reason

all the vehicles around here

are the same color

as the fire hall!

I knew it.

Anyway, when moose went to see

"the professionals,"

they found a lot of rust

in his truck.

A guy with a grinder --

he started working out there.

He fell in

through the front wheel well

and come out

through the tailgate.

That's 'cause of all the salt

they put on the highways

up here in the winter.

Yeah.

Yeah, and if table salt

can do that to a truck,

can you imagine what it does

to your body, a human body,

or even that body?

That's sodium chloride.

Highway crews

use calcium chloride,

which is anhydrous

and creates a liquid base

that actually has a freezing

point less than that of water.

Well, harold, we don't care

what's causing the problem.

We just want a solution.

Oh, well, well that would be

an aqueous solution.

Is there a retroactive abortion

available anywhere?

Anyway, the bunch of us

are gonna put our heads together

and figure out some way we can

rustproof all of our vehicles

for under 50 bucks.

Well, I think

I'll just stay out of the way.

That ought to give us

a good start.

[ zip! ]

it's not often

you'll find this kind of show

at these kind of prices.

[ chuckles ]

and there's a reason for that.

[ drumming, guitar plays ]

♪ there's no excuse,

but here comes moose ♪

♪ and he hasn't got

his shirt on ♪

♪ aah ♪

♪ like a kodiak

with his hairy back ♪

♪ and a week and a half

of dirt on ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ oh, there's a big roll of fat

holds his smokes and that ♪

♪ it's sure

not a sight to please ♪

♪ unh-unh ♪

♪ I'm also told

that one of his rolls ♪

♪ holds his wallet

and his snowmobile keys ♪

♪ oh, there's all his tattoos

out there to view ♪

♪ some of them

are really groovy ♪

♪ and it's really neat

when he walks down the street ♪

both: ♪ it's like being

at a drive-in movie ♪

[ creaking ]

well, she warned you

about that dog,

but you told her

time and time again,

"honey, relax.

The dog is housebroken."

and now there's a soft,

steaming treat

lying on her favorite

antique rug

that would tend to contradict

that statement.

Man, that's funny,

you know?

Them dogs always find the

most expensive bit of flooring

to do their business on.

I think it's like birds flying

south -- it's pure instinct.

Absolutely.

All right,

the first step --

you got to take

the modus operandi of the dog,

get that outside,

open up all the windows,

and, if you can,

salvage the rug.

Absolutely.

Now, if you can't

salvage the rug,

rearrange the furniture

a little bit

and, uh, try and cover

that tragedy up.

And don't skimp

on the air freshener.

Absolutely not.

Now, if, however,

she knows what's going on,

well, just tell her, "honey,

the dog is out in the truck.

[ voice breaking ]

"I could not forgive fido

"for doing that unforgivable

thing on your favorite carpet.

"so I have no alternative

but to drive him down myself...

And have him

put to sleep."

now, this is a tactic

can only be used

by a professional, all right?

We call this "puppy poker,"

all right?

Of course you're bluffing,

but you got to play the hand.

And if you really want

to up the ante, tell the kids.

Now, this might seem like

emotional blackmail,

but we are talking about a dog

here -- man's best friend.

The stakes are as high

as you can get!

Hopefully, she'll fold,

she'll throw her arms around

fido, pull him off of death row.

But if she calls

your bluff,

you stand a chance

to lose your self-respect

and your favorite

frisbee fetcher.

Well, this is where plan "b"

kicks in.

You zip into town,

buy her a dog,

one of them soft, cuddly ones,

looks like mop.

You know the ones.

Kind of like a cat

in a dog suit?

Those are the guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let her experience the joy

of owning her own pet,

the unbridled companionship,

the undeniable affection.

Yeah, and hopefully when there's

another mess in the house,

there's a 50% chance

her dog done it.

[ ducks quacking ]

well, with everybody

painting their car

up at the lodge this week,

I thought

I'd take "handyman corner"

and show you how you can prevent

your car from aging, weathering,

rusting, and generally

looking filthy all the time

by showing you how to build

a self-contained

automatic power washer

that'll keep your car

continuously clean.

All right. Now, the first thing

you're gonna need

to make this unit

are some sprinklers.

I would recommend

you use sprinklers.

And, you know, you can get

sprinklers pretty cheap

from your neighbors' lawn

while they're in bed.

Now what you want to do is to

mount these various sprinklers

right onto the vehicle.

You can use rivets for that,

or you can weld them on there.

Or if you work

for the government,

you probably have time

to sit and magnetize them.

But I'm gonna use the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

[ duct tape creaking ]

now, you're gonna need

a source of water,

one that moves

along with the car,

because it is a mobile wash,

isn't it?

And, you know, we have a source

just like that right here...

The water pump and radiator.

Now if we could just think

of a way to tap into them...

There we go. All right.

Let's give our mobile car wash

a try.

[ door creaks ]

[ engine turns over ]

[ engine revs ]

uh, all right,

all right, all right.

See, okay, okay.

[ laughs ]

we don't have an unlimited

supply of water here.

You didn't think of that,

did you, you know?

So, uh, what we have to do is

we have to, of course,

recycle the water in the system

by, uh -- by recycling it.

And, uh, here's what you

have to do to solve that one.

You got to measure the exact

perimeter of the whole car,

and then you get exactly that

same length in eaves troughing.

1, 2, 3, 4...

...26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32.

Perfect.

[ straining ] real glad

I didn't use rivets or bolts

when I put this up last year.

Now we'll get this down

and we'll hook this

all up to the car,

right around

the whole outside of her,

using rivets or bolts

or...That's right.

Nothing lasts forever,

except an italian wedding.

Now, this might take me a while

to get her all down

and hooked up,

so why don't we get back

to the show

and I'll come and find you

when I got her all done?

Stay tuned.

I got some advice

for you middle-aged guys

about playing cards,

and then bill's gonna go long --

probably too long.

I want to talk

to you middle-aged guys

about something

that's gonna happen to you.

Now, you may try denial

for a while, you know,

buying a toupee or two-sided

tape or a two-seater car.

But no matter what you do,

sooner or later,

it's gonna happen,

and when it does, you'll know

you're over the hill.

Now, it may happen next week

or next month,

but eventually --

that's right --

someone's gonna invite you over

to play bridge.

I know.

I know. Don't be alarmed.

Playing bridge is a natural part

of the aging process.

Your parents

had to deal with it,

and now that you're old,

you have to face it.

Don't fight it.

Just go with it.

Bridge is not that bad

of a game.

There's no loud music,

and you don't have any kids

whining at you

for their allowance

or the car keys.

Plus, you're playing

with people your own age,

so they'll be just as bored

as you are.

And you don't want to be alone

at our age.

Bridge is a lot better

than solitaire.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ metal creaking ]

well, uh,

the rustproofing scheme

is more or less moving forward.

You know,

we always turn to nature

when we're looking

for inspiration,

and old man sedgwick pointed out

that beehives don't rust,

so we've all covered

our vehicles with honey.

Um, excuse me, uncle red.

There's no metal

in beehives.

That's why

they don't rust.

Well, where were you,

harold?

That could have made

a difference.

Uncle red, are you telling me

that the possum van

is covered in honey now?

No, it's covered

in flies now.

Oh, well, that should make

for an interesting look.

Usually they're just

all over the grill.

Well, consider this --

you're no longer just

leader of the possum lodge.

You're lord of the flies.

Wa-a-a-a!

Yeah?

Well, harold,

you're lord of the flaws.

Give me a hand here,

will you?

Okay.

So, how are you gonna get

all the honey off the van?

Well, I thought I'd just

drive it out into the woods

and let the bears

lick it off.

But then moose thompson

offered to do it for me.

The driving

or the licking?

Well, he didn't ask

for the keys.

[ creaking ]

and I got our whole

mobile-car-wash unit

all hooked up here.

It looks pretty good, I think.

I got the eaves trough

running right around

the whole outside of the car,

which collects all the water.

And then I got this pipe here

to suck her up

and take her back

into the water pump.

So, she is now

100% self-contained.

And here's another little rig

I added all on my own.

It's a hose running up

over the top here.

Got some holes cut in there,

'cause I'm saying to myself,

"heck, you're washing your car

anyway.

Why not give her a hot wax?"

got the hot exhaust coming out

of the pipe here

into the jar of car wax,

and then she's sucked up

this pipe,

goes up over the car,

comes out the little holes

in a fine mist all over the car,

protecting the finish.

Let's give her a try.

Oh.

[ grunts ]

[ engine turns over ]

all right, sprinklers off.

Hot wax on.

[ wax sloshing ]

now, remember -- if women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Here's this week's boating tip

with glen braxton.

Thank you, red.

Uh, first of all,

I'd like to say hi

to everybody down

at the cardiac care unit.

It's been 17 days

and no problems.

Wow. You had a heart attack

17 days ago?

Oh, no, red, no, no.

Uh, 17 days ago,

I ate a dozen burritos

and had chest pains

for a couple weeks,

and then, boom,

they were gone,

which is kind of

a historical moment.

Yeah.

Anyway, that brings me

to today's, uh, boating tip,

which is, in fact,

some boating history, red.

Uh-huh.

Uh...Inside the bucket.

Water?

Well, possum lake water,

which comes close.

And?

Oh, yeah, there's a golf ball

in there.

Yeah.

See, down at the possum

ski and country club,

they have, uh, water traps,

and the water traps are full

of perfectly preserved

golf balls.

Well, now, there's a great

boating tip.

Thank you, glen.

No, red.

The water protects them

from the elements.

The water

preserves the golf balls

and keeps it perfect

under the water.

Oh.

That's what the sailors

used to do

in, uh, hudson bay

in the winter.

Went golfing?

No, red.

No, they --

they'd sink their boats

and then they'd refloat them

in the spring,

and when they came up,

they were in better shape

than they were

if they had been exposed

to the elements all winter.

Oh. So, you're saying

we should all sink our boats

to stop them

from getting wrecked.

No, red.

If your boat gets wrecked,

right, and it sinks...

Yeah.

...Chances are you're gonna

find a better one

in better shape free

at the bottom of the lake.

Right. Well, now, that is

an excellent boating tip.

Thank you,

glen braxton.

You know, maybe we should

do that with our vehicles --

uh, drop them to the bottom

of the lake

and, uh, stop them

from rusting, huh?

Yeah, go ahead.

Uh, just don't put them

near the marina.

No. People wouldn't be able

to tell them from your boats.

Another bit of a football

feature on the show this week.

Bill's gonna -- somebody told me

bill didn't have the balls

to play football,

but that is obviously

not correct.

And this week,

he thought he'd concentrate,

uh, on the quarterbacking,

the -- the throwing,

so what he's done there is

he's hung a tire

from the goalpost,

and the idea

is to step back a few feet

and try and throw the ball, uh,

through the hole in the tire,

which, uh, sounds a lot,

uh, easier than it --

hmm.

Oh, well.

Now, you know, uh,

one of the biggest commodities

you have in your life,

of course, is your time.

You know how they say

that one year in a dog's life

is equivalent to, I believe,

seven years

in the life of a human?

Well, I can tell you

one hour with bill

is like seven years

of a dog's life.

So, I'm standing there

watching my life go by

while my dogs are killing me.

And bill has no chance

of doing what's right.

[ boing! ]

getting closer.

Maybe, uh --

maybe I should give this a try.

What do you think, bill?

Bill? No? All right.

What do you want me to do?

Okay, I'm gonna --

oh, okay, okay.

Do a bit of a pass play here.

I'm gonna sn--

what are you doing?

What are you doing, bill?

What is that? What is that?

Oh, a towel -- a towel.

He wants -- oh, my gosh.

He's seen those games

where they have the --

oh, the center has the towel

so he can wipe --

oh, bill, bill, bill, bill.

Can we go, bill?

Can we go now?

Give me that. Give me that.

[ whistle! ]

your hands are fine.

All right,

snap the ball up to bill

and, uh, head out

on my pattern.

Kind of -- oh, oh.

[ groans ]

sorry, bill.

Let me snap again.

Snap again. Oh.

Bill, you got to --

bill, you -- oh.

[ groans ]

oh, my goodness.

I'm in the 2-minute warning.

I'm on the pass play.

I'm on the -- come on, bill.

Toss it.

Come on, I'm wide open.

Bill, I'm wide open.

I smell touchdown.

Can't you grab the ball, bill?

Soft hands.

You got soft hands.

Well, you got soft --

soft something.

Oh, my gosh.

Whoa-oa-oa!

Too late, bill.

Too late. Too late.

Forget it. I'm back.

What are you gonna do now?

No, no, no, not a hand-off.

You -- all right, bill,

you crouch down.

My turn.

I'll be the quarterback.

I'll show you how it's done.

What's going on?

I don't need this stupid towel.

[ whistle! ]

I got something else

I'll dry my hands on.

There we go, there we go, there

we go, there we go, there we go.

Get tough, get tough.

Come on, bill.

There we go.

Hands are all kind of moist now.

And out he goes.

[ squeak! Squeak! Squeak! ]

and...Take her --

go deep, go deep.

God, that's a sight to be seen,

isn't it?

You look good in a skirt, bill.

[ pop! ]

there you go. That's better.

Turn around.

Let me drill at you.

I got a good arm.

Here it comes like a bullet,

like a shotgun, like a rifle.

Ooh! Oh, my gosh.

Oh, he ducked. All right.

All right.

And then a little

wedgie adjustment,

and I think we'll get bill

back to as normal...

[ pop! ]

...As he gets.

There you go.

That's my man.

[ squeak! Squeak! Squeak! ]

coming up, I can prove

that if you eat enough salt,

you will actually rust.

And dalton tries

to keep a straight face

giving you a price.

[ sloshing ]

well, this "submerging

the vehicles for the

winter" thing --

I don't think

it's gonna work out, so...

You know, uncle red,

you do not have to take every

suggestion somebody gives you.

You can say no, too.

Harold, if I took

every suggestion,

you wouldn't be here,

believe me.

Anyway,

we tried the sinking thing

with stinky peterson's

trabant.

We got her down there,

and a lot of the stuff floated

out from under the seats

and, ugh,

made our eyes water,

killed

half a dozen rock bass.

You cannot leave

his car down there!

It's an environmental hazard.

Whereas you're just

a mental hazard.

We're gonna get the car

out of there.

That's what the jumper cables

are for.

[ laughs ]

uncle red, it's not gonna start

underwater.

Why don't you just pull it out

with a chain?

Did you also consider,

you know,

you can lighten the car's load

if you wind up all the windows

and fill it full of air

from a bicycle pump?

Yep, that's exactly

what we're doing here.

It won't work.

[ laughs ]

'cause stinky's sunroof

is stuck open.

You do not take enough time

to think things through.

[ laughs ]

you're right, harold.

I'm gonna take

two hours right now.

I'm gonna plan

every detail on this.

Excellent.

I'll be lying

on your bed.

[ tires screech, crashing ]

[ horn honks ]

red: You know how they say

there's a place for everything

and everything in its place?

And here we are out by the main

highway at the everything place,

dalton humphries' store.

Dalton, people might

drive by this place

and assume

that it was a junkyard.

Well, you know, red,

one man's junk

is another man's objet d'art.

[ laughs ]

now, what do you think

this is, huh?

I would call that

"scrap metal."

yeah, yeah,

to you and me, maybe,

but to someone

from the city,

that's a precious little

decorator accent

that just oozes

charm and history --

30 bucks' worth

of charm and history.

No kidding.

Yeah.

Imagine what you'd get if

you fixed it and painted her.

Hey, why don't you drop this

by the lodge later on.

We'll slap a coat of paint on

that while we're doing our cars.

It's a lot of work there,

you know?

You just can't paint metal.

You got to scrape

all the rust off.

You want to do that

with your cars, too.

Otherwise, the rust

just comes right through.

Oh, man,

that's a lot of work.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, see, I'm not gonna

do it to that piece,

'cause that would ruin

its value.

It has to be

in unrestored condition.

This is how dalton

gets people from the city

to come up here and give him

all kinds of money for junk.

You know, I know every item

in my inventory.

I know what it costs.

I know where it is.

When a customer asks,

I know what to show them,

what to charge for them,

and how to keep a straight face.

[ laughs ]

you know, you're trying

to sell a guy a broken shovel

for 60 bucks.

I mean, you try not to laugh.

[ laughs ]

pick something out outside.

I'll show you.

[ laughs ]

oh, here we go,

here we go.

There. How about that?

Well, sir, you certainly

have an eye for quality.

This is, uh, an antique handmade

wooden sled, grade one.

Made in, um, stoke-on-trent,

England, in 1890-'91

and imported by

the smithersby toy company

of winnipeg.

This is, uh -- this is

the deluxe model, I believe,

very rare and much admired

by the cognoscenti.

Well, where --

where are the runners?

Where's the handle?

Where's the back?

Where's the -- the sled?

This is in original,

unrestored condition,

and at an auction, this would

fetch upwards of...$5,000.

I'm willing to let it go,

for you, for $3,000.

$3,000?

Yeah,

I should have said...

[ laughs ]

[ laughing ] I'm laughing.

Let me try this...

[ laughs ]

let me try it again.

$3,000.

[ creaking ]

[ creaking ]

harold: Wa-a-a-a!

See what happens

when you try to do things right?

A bunch of us got out the steel

brushes and the sandpaper there

and tried to get the rust

off of stinky's car.

Well, it looks like

you got most of it.

[ creaks ]

we got all of it, harold.

[ creaks ]

the only problem is

when the rust dust cleared,

there was nothing there

but a windshield,

four tires, and a fan belt.

Well, you should have

known stinky's car

was pretty far gone.

Remember that time

he took it through

the airport metal detector?

Didn't even beep.

Wa-a-a!

[ creaks ]

well, I don't know

what else to do with it.

I mean, even stinky took the

trabant there, got an idea,

and put it in one of them

giant garbage bags.

The garbagemen

took it away.

That's when it hit us.

[ creaks ]

[ ding! ]

we're spending 100 bucks

to rustproof a car worth $50,

so the heck with it.

[ creaks ]

[ screeching ]

meeting time, uncle red.

Yeah, you go ahead, harold.

I got to get all this stuff off.

I need a magnet or something,

I think.

And if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I'm hoping to find you

in a romantic mood,

as I'm sure I'll be

once I get the rust off.

[ creaks ]

and to the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching.

On behalf of myself and...

[ creaks ]

...Harold and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

until next time,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ creaking ]

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

harold: Hey, all rise.

All rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Red, uh...

Seeing as you've got hemorrhoids

the size of basketballs...

Red: If you'd like to become

a member of possum lodge

and you got 3 bucks to blow,

you can either mail it to

the address here on the screen

or dial 1-800-ypossum.