Daredevil/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Oh, don't worry.

I'm just faking this.

Pullin' the chute,

I think they call it.

I just wanted to show you

what a great tool these

adjustable canes are

for any of you travelling

handymen out there.

For starters, when the

attendant at the gate says,

"now boarding all

first class passengers

"and those

needing assistance,"

that means you.

First class treatment

on a third class ticket.

And once you get

inside the plane,

this baby really

kicks into high gear.

Use it to stuff

your bags under the seat;

or turn your light on;

or turn the other

guy's light off;

or flip her around and bring

the refreshment cart a

little bit closer.

Okay, here's the

best part...

Once you get your

seat the way you like it,

just adjust the cane so it

jams up against the next

guy's headrest.

That way, when he's

inclined to recline,

you'll be able to decline.

So if any of you have got any

air travel coming up,

I suggest you take

along one of these babies.

In fact, you can take mine.

Apparently, I'm not allowed to

go on airplanes for a while.

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

All right. Okay.

Well, it's a big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

You know part of harold's job

is to put on these

special events

to attract tourists

into the area here.

Boy, he's come up

with a dandy this time...

He's hired local daredevil,

psycho ernie,

to jump over the lodge

on a motorcycle.

If he makes it,

he breaks a record;

and if he doesn't,

he breaks 'something.'

either way, it's a

huge crowd pleaser.

Uncle red!

[ cheers and applause ]

problem?

We have a

we have a problem.

Yes! Psycho ernie

backed out.

I was just talking

to him yesterday.

He was all

excited about it.

Even more so when he

found out we're the

same blood type

and I've got

two kidneys.

I have no idea what you

two were talking about,

but when you finished

talking, he found god.

All I said was: "after the

jump I'll see you on

the other side."

I meant the other

side of the lodge.

Yeah, well, now that

he's found out about hell,

he's very concerned

about dying.

Well, maybe you can

reason with him.

Ha! You reason with a

guy named psycho.

Well, harold, I guess

we'll have to cancel.

No!

No, we can't.

We're expecting people

from all over the

tri-county area.

And I sold a lot of tickets

to the senior community.

I'm not about to tell

those dear, sweet

old grandparents

they're not gonna see

any blood on Sunday.

Well, then we're gonna

lacement.

But who do we know that

would be stupid enough

to try to jump

over the lodge?

[ laughter and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize is

this grab bag

of previously

enjoyed footwear

gathered from the

roads in our area.

Who knows? There might

be a matching pair

in here.

Uh, mr. Green,

you got 30 seconds

to get winston --

yeah, that's right.

Cover your ears.

-- To say this word...

All right.

Okay.

And go!

Okay, winston,

this is an event.

You have music and

fat people singing.

Last year's

christmas party?

No, no.

There's a phrase...

Phantom of the...

Underpants.

Okay, this is something that

italian people enjoy.

Sausage.

No, this is something

that's really loud.

You're sure it's

not sausage?

Almost outta time,

mr. Green.

What does the name

pavarotti mean to you?

I believe it's a

type of cheese.

Now, winston,

you know this one.

Why are you answering

the wrong answers every time?

Are you doing

that on purpose?

Red, it's just a game.

Don't turn it into

a soap opera.

[ ♪ ]

okay, today on

talking animals,

local animal control

officer ed frid

is gonna tell us a little bit

about the snapping turtle.

Come on up

here, ed.

Come on, now, ed.

I mean, the turtle

is just lying there.

Well, sure, he's moving

pretty slowly now,

but he could strike

at any time.

Sounds like an

auto worker.

[ laughter and applause ]

hey, I'm not

joking here, red.

He could sit

there for hours,

just laying in wait.

And then when you're not

looking... Ambush!

Okay. Okay.

Ar! Ar! Ar!

You know, ed, this thing

looks pretty harmless to me.

[ shushing ]

you wanna get

him mad?

He's got ears,

you know?

He doesn't have ears.

Well, no,

but they

can read lips.

What do you feed a

snapping turtle,

anyway, ed?

Well, almost anything

you find in the water.

I stocked this tank with

crayfish, snails,

fish stuff.

I don't see

anything in here.

Why don't you bring one

of those out to show to us?

Well, I can think of

a few reasons why not.

Okay, fine, then

bring the turtle out.

That'll be fine.

Okay, I'll get

you a snail.

But that's it, okay?

Just don't startle

him or nothing.

Just get the --

got a few in here.

What?

Oh! Oh!

( sigh of relief.)

you go.

Oh, there

[ applause ]

that wasn't so

bad, eh, ed?

Didn't you

have a watch on?

Oh, my watch!

[ chomp! ]

[ screaming ]

ed! Ed! Ed!

Ed! Ed!

Take him down

to the lake.

He'll swim away!

Put him in the lake!

Put him in the lake!

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

He's just taking

him down to the lake.

He'll put him in there,

and he'll swim away.

[ splash ]

there.

He's gonna be fine.

[ chomp! ]

[ ed screaming ]

uh, it wasn't fine.

[ screaming ]

you know, gardening is

a lot of work.

I know because I often zap

by the gardening channel

between games.

But you know the thing I

don't like about gardening?

Well, there are so many,

but the main one

is that you're totally at

the whim of the weather.

Well, no more.

I can drive this portable

garden to get the

weather I want.

I can drive it

into the sun

or sneak it

under my neighbour's

sprinkler for watering.

Heck, if there's a

risk of frost,

I can park my whole

garden in the garage.

Now, I know some people

grow stuff for salads

and casseroles,

but they eat vegetables.

I got a way

better idea.

Take a bucket of water.

Throw a little sugar in --

actually,

a lot of sugar.

Then you add

some brewer's yeast.

Okay, mix that stuff

real good in there.

Then what you wanna do is pour

that into your gas tank.

That's gonna become the

base of your alternate fuel.

Now all we do is add some corn

from our portable garden here.

So first of all,

get rid of your gas cap.

Replace that with a battery

powered garburator,

and you're in business.

Okay, just let that ferment

in there for a while,

as you do with all the truly

good things in life.

And then you're

good to go.

I'll tell you,

that's the cheapest

fuel you'll ever find.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ engine won't turn over ]

it might be a

little hard to start,

and actually, when it

does get going,

it smells like

a giant tortilla.

[ engine starts ]

make sure you don't

sit in the unit too long.

You could get root rot.

[ applause ]

]

I wanna talk to

you middle-aged guys

who think it's

too late for you...

Too late for

a new career;

too late for success;

too late to apologize for

what you did in the hot tub.

And now you're thinking about

quittin' your job

and opening a brand new

fast food restaurant.

All your friends

say you're crazy...

You're gonna just say

good-bye to your pension,

and you're gonna lose

all your seniority,

plus the good ideas only

come from young people.

Are they right?

Probably.

But you need to know

that ray crock was 65

before he started

mcdonald's.

And colonel sanders

was into his 70s

before kentucky fried chicken

started showing a profit.

The moral:

Fast food is good for you.

And I figure those guys are

a lot older than you

are right now.

So I say go for it.

People have proven

that they love salt and fat,

and you look like

a winner to me!

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

You know, people don't realise

how scientific motorcycle

jumping is.

You've gotta take

into account

the balance of the bike,

the approach angle,

and the thickness

of the rider's head.

But I think we're good

to go, right, mike?

I don't know about this.

Now, mike, you've got

absolutely nothing

to worry about.

Harold and I have

got it all figured out,

don't you, harold?

Well, here's how

I see it.

Mike, you and the motorcycle

have a combined weight

of 317 pounds.

Now, with our limited

given approach,

the motorcycle will reach a

maximum speed of 42.7

kilometres per hour.

Allow me to show you

what will happen.

Watch this, mike.

You'll feel a lot

better about this.

Mike, let's assume this is

you on the motorcycle.

And your goal is to

leap over the lodge.

There's the

lodge there.

We'll take this back to

47.2 kilometres per hour,

and here's what

will happen...

I don't know about this.

See, that's why

I was looking at

the motorcycle book.

We can soup up the

engine and give it

a lot more power.

When I get done with it

what will happen is

we're gonna get

her up to 85 mph.

That's like a zillion over

those kilometre things he

was talking about.

So this is more

how she's gonna go...

See like that.

Oh! Oh!

Okay, too much.

We'll back up.

It's gonna be fine,

right, harold?

It went right

across like that.

Come on back here.

Come on.

Take the bike,

okay?

Take her down to the garage.

We'll work on it together.

We'll get her

working fine.

Come on.

Just get her --

away you go.

We're gonna be good.

We got her good.

We're gonna be good.

Everything's gonna

be great.

Okay -- no!

Hey, that's smart.

Make the bike lighter.

I don't know

about this!

Oh, mike, come on.

Nothing to worry

about at all.

Come on,

help me out.

Is there anything

I can do to make

you feel better?

You could try

the jump first!

Red: Dalton and I were gonna

have a game of badminton

out behind the lodge.

Walter was there,

more as a spectator.

He had the lounge there,

and he was gonna lie back.

Couldn't get comfortable.

Needed some type

of a pillow;

decided to use

his own shoes.

I don't know

how comfy they were,

but they sure put

him to sleep.

And I have a problem

with badminton.

I seem to always hit the bird

just a little too hard.

I don't know what it is.

Look at that!

The shoes came

back and -- oh!

This was an odd thing,

because walter was hurting,

yet everything seemed

exactly the way it was

before anything

happened to him.

Life's like that

when you get older.

So I tried to

tone it down a bit,

but I see that bird,

and, bam! I just gotta --

and it went right

up into the --

okay, okay, now, it's the

only bird we've got,

and it's up in the tree.

Well, that's where a bird

belongs if you think

about it.

I'm saying, don't worry.

Just relax.

I'll get the racket.

Down she'll come.

And... Uh-oh!

All right, give me yours.

Well, fine. Okay. All right.

You know better.

You go ahead,

mr. Smarty pants.

So dalton shows us

how easy this really is.

Just that simple, really.

So then I come back.

I've got walter's lounge.

Don't worry.

Everything's gonna

come down here.

What could

possibly go wrong?

Stand back, guys.

All gonna come down now.

I can't believe this.

Okay, we've got

two choices...

Either play badminton

up in the tree,

or get somebody to go up

there and bring it down.

So walter's the

lightest one,

so we have a little --

just stop.

Grab my arms!

Stop fooling around.

All right.

Up you go, walter.

Away you go.

Up you go.

Up you go.

Watch where you step.

Watch -- look out.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, boy!

Wow!

Ow! Ow! Ooh!

So walter gets up there,

starts shinnying out

to the end of the branch

and and all he's

gotta do is grab the --

grab the rackets and --

oh, there's one racket.

And it sticks

right into the ground.

And then he --

oh! There goes the lounge.

Wow!

Okay, we're getting there.

There goes the

other racket.

They're all set up.

Just gotta get

the bird now.

Reach out -- oh!

Easy, easy, easy!

Oh! Oh!

Well, walter,

you didn't get the bird.

Oh, here it comes.

And... There we go.

[ ♪ ]

hi, everybody.

Ranger gord here.

You know, prejudice

is a terrible thing.

I don't think it's

right for people to make

judgments on other people,

especially when they

don't know those people.

Now, I get very

upset when somebody

who doesn't even know me

calls me an idiot.

If someone I know

calls me an idiot,

that doesn't bother

me at all.

Why?

Because they're

all morons, that's why.

Which reminds me,

today's animated

educational feature

is all about lumberjacks.

So sit back,

enjoy it.

I hope you learn

something from it.

But remember,

don't call me an idiot,

unless you know me first.

Here we go.

[ ♪♪ ]

today, I'm going to teach

everyone on the planet

about being a

lumberjack,

because not everybody

is lucky enough

to be an accountant or a

freelance proctologist.

Oh, well,

looky here.

Here's the late

red green.

I see it tired you out

dragging your axe all

the way out here, huh?

You see, harold,

we have here a tree

that is dead and dangerous

to everyone who passes by.

Now, let me show you what

a real lumberjack does

to a tree like this.

Hand me the axe,

please, red.

No, it's okay, gord.

I'll get

this baby down.

You know, a real lumberjack

would see this isn't a

tree at all.

It's a steel pole!

[ hearty laugh ]

you know, you could've

mentioned that, gord.

No! Experience is the best

teacher, harold.

Come on.

Climbing trees is a big part

of being a lumberjack.

Hey, let's have a little race,

shall we, harold?

Okay, ready,

on your mark --

you see,

harold,

it's not just my superior

knowledge and athleticism.

Equipment is a

big part of it.

You see, I have these special

cleats on my boots

that dig right

into the tree trunk.

Do you have

those, harold?

Uh, no.

[ harold screaming ]

[ harold and red screaming ]

the lesson here,

boys and girls,

is never underestimate

job skills.

You know, just because

you're a lumberjack,

or even a forest ranger,

for that matter,

that doesn't necessarily mean

you're a hopeless loser

with no chance of

ever meeting women.

Well, it does in

some cases.

[ hearty laugh ]

that's lumberjack

humour, isn't it?

[ hearty laugh ]

[ ♪ ]

[ applause ]

I got some great

news for you.

Cordless telephones are not

just for the super

rich anymore.

Oh, no.

Now you can have that same

freedom and luxury

no matter what level

of poverty or squalor

you're wallowing in.

All you need is just

a normal telephone,

a couple of these

construction safety cones

and of course, a rat.

Okay, now, you take

the handset off the phone

and mount that on the wall.

And then you attach the

other safety cone to

the listening end.

Okay, now you put a little

teeter-totter over

the phone here.

And this is where you

put your cheese on here,

and then you have the rat you

take out of your pocket,

and you put him on there.

When he eats the cheese

and the weight puts

the plunger down,

and you're ready

to receive calls.

Now, I've arranged

for winston to call

and give us a little

demonstration.

Watch what happens

when the phone rings.

[ ring ]

hello!

Winston: Hey, red, how's

this comin' through?

Loud and clear.

Great.

Well, gotta go.

Septic emergency.

Yeah, okay, winston.

[ disconnects

dial tone ]

[ applause ]

well, it's all

systems go.

Mike'll be jumping over

the lodge any minute now.

The seniors have been a

bit of a problem in

the crowd there.

They complained they were

so close they were

gonna get killed.

When we

moved them back,

they complained they

were too far from

the bathrooms.

But all in all,

it's pretty exciting,

isn't it, harold?

I don't know

about this.

Well, now

don't you start.

This is your event!

Oh, no!

It's not my event!

My event was psycho ernie

leaping over the lodge --

a professional cycle jumper,

with no second thoughts.

Ernie doesn't

have first thoughts.

Exactly.

But this is mike,

our friend,

a lodge member.

What is the worst

that could happen?

Mike screaming to his death

in an exploding ball of fire.

You are so negative,

you know that?

Well, I wanted

to cancel this.

I should'a canceled this!

You talked me

out of it.

Harold, everything's

gonna be fine.

Mike is ready.

We overhauled

the motorcycle.

The engine's got

plenty of power.

I give you my

word as a mechanic

that everything is

going to be great.

[ motorcycle motor revving ]

I'm canceling!

You're too late.

He's already on his way!

Look!

Oh! Oh!

Look at him go!

What did you do

to that motorcycle?

Well, we burrowed

out the cylinders,

put in oversized

pistons, racing cam.

I figure we quadrupled the

horsepower on that baby.

It's like a rocket!

Did you put a bigger

gas tank on it?

Why would we do

that, harold?

Well, when you increase

the displacement,

you increase the

fuel consumption.

Mike could run

out of gas.

[ engine sputtering ]

I think.

You should cancel.

Mike!

Mike, are you okay?

Mike: I'm fine.

I'm on the roof!

Harold, harold,

get the ladder.

It's okay, mike.

We'll get you down.

Okay, you know,

there's a lesson to you

youngsters watching

out there...

Don't ever jump a building

with a motorized vehicle,

unless you have a

really huge gas tank.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time!

Meeting time!

Meeting time, everybody!

Uncle red!

Uncle red.

It's meeting time.

Shouldn't you

be holding the

ladder for mike?

Yes.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

We made a little

mistake today.

Harold and I thought that mike

could be an entertainer,

but you know, he didn't

go over all that well.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and the

whole gang at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ applause ]

come in, guys.

Come in.

Sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the men's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Okay, men, now that we

know what we did wrong,

would anybody here

like to volunteer

to jump the lodge next year?

Dalton, you wanna

jump the lodge?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you said

'junk' the lodge.

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