Underground Parking/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold: And now

here's my personal hero,

a man who jests at windmills,

a real don "coyote,"

the man of "la munchies."

ladies and gentlemen,

mr. Red green!

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, and

thank you all for tuning us in.

I would like to say that

that intro you just heard

had absolutely nothing

to do with me.

Unfortunately, the guy

who said it does...

My nephew harold.

Wa-a-a!

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

I didn't ask you

to come over here, harold.

It's okay.

I guess you can see why I like

to keep a shovel handy.

Anyhow, uh, boy, things

have really been humming

up at the lodge this week,

and it's not just from the way

we rewired the water heater.

The local radio station

has made an announcement

that somewhere in the area

surrounding possum lake,

there's the largest

deposit of gold ever recorded.

Oh, yeah? Where --

where did you hear that?

I just said, harold,

on the radio.

Well, I don't think

you could believe

everything you hear

from that station.

The entire staff's

an alcoholic.

No, harold, this is not just

bernie hallucinating, okay?

This is a scientific study

done by the government,

and I don't think

the whole government

would all be hallucinating

at the same time...Again.

So, anyhow,

a bunch of us have decided

to dig ourselves

a gold mine,

and I even asked

old man sedgwick to pitch in

because I figure, you know,

he was probably

in the original gold rush.

You know, he's probably

gonna know where to dig.

That -- that was 1849.

The shovel?

No, it's 5 bucks.

Anyway, uh...

We're gonna get out there

and get at it as soon as we can,

but it's not gonna get

in the way of the show.

I'll keep you posted

on the gold-mine thing,

and I'll tell you what.

Even if we strike gold,

we're still gonna

finish the show.

It'll just have a lot more

of harold in the second half.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ oh,

how smart can you be? ♪

♪ you'll never know

till you try ♪

♪ never know till you try ♪

♪ how far can you go? ♪

♪ you'll never know

till you try ♪

♪ never know till you try ♪

♪ are you slow

or are you quick? ♪

♪ you'll never know ♪

♪ until you poke

a mountain lion with a stick ♪

this week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

something you can do

with an old,

broken-down barbecue.

Now, I've been saving

this beauty,

hoping that it would eventually

have value as an antique.

But, uh, apparently the market

for rusty metal appliances

covered with bits of burnt meat

has gone a little soft on us.

Now, I suppose a bunch of you

are saying, "hey, red.

Why don't you just throw

the darn thing in the lake?"

or, "who cares?"

or, "what else is on?"

that'll be your wife talking,

probably.

Well, the truth is, if you do

throw one of these in the lake,

within a couple of days,

you get all the grease and fat

coming up onshore there,

and then the propane tank

will cut loose

and shoot right up

through the bottom

of that old lap straight canoe

that's been up here at the lodge

since before I started coming.

Well, I should say,

"that's what could happen."

the funny thing is,

we are actually gonna throw

this barbecue into the lake,

but with ourselves

attached to it.

'cause we're gonna turn

this propane barbecue

into a full set of scuba gear.

All right, step one,

disassemble the unit

into its individual components.

Yeah.

Oxidation is a wonderful thing,

isn't it?

All right, step two,

disconnect the propane tank.

Now, the connector on these

units is left-hand thread,

so, uh, to loosen them,

you got to turn them

to the right.

You can loosen them

by turning them to the left...

If you're the size

of moose thompson.

But it won't ever

go back together again.

Once you get the hose

out of there,

you might just want to

abandon the project,

try something else --

maybe turn the propane tank

into, say, a party-size

cigarette lighter...

Or a propane-powered

lawn roller.

Or I know what would

be kind of fun.

You just throw the whole tank

into a smoldering campfire

for an exciting game of

"let's surprise the boy scouts."

but for our purposes,

we're gonna drain the gas

out of there

so we can use it

for our scuba gear.

[ gas hissing ]

[ coughs ]

well, I'll just --

I'll just move this aside

till we get

all the gas out of her.

[ tank thuds ]

you don't want to be 20,000

major leagues under the sea

and suck in

a lungful of propane.

Instant headache there,

I'll tell you.

Now, you want to

save these grills

and make yourself

a dandy little shark cage --

not big enough

for your whole body,

but certainly big enough

to protect whatever it is

you care about.

The burner,

you don't really need.

Chuck that.

[ burner clanking ]

but you want to save the hose,

and you want to save

the heat controls

because these become

your air regulators --

one for you, one for your buddy.

And you got that fat jar

that hangs down

underneath the barbecue.

Hang on to that. That's gonna

become your diving mask.

Boy, you get a lot of fat out

of four strips of bacon, hey?

If you squeeze them right.

Anyway, I think that's

pretty well everything we need,

and sure as heck

don't need the spark ignitor.

Not gonna be able to start

a fire under water.

[ chuckles ]

[ explosion, glass shatters ]

[ coughing ]

well, I guess that tank

will be empty now.

Wow, we got lucky there.

The propane tank landed in town,

which is where

I had to go anyway

to get her filled up with air

at the gas station.

Now, breathing this air

might make you a little sleepy

'cause it's "tire" air.

Always time for humor

at the lodge.

Now, you're gonna need something

to put on your feet

to help you move along

in the water.

How about this?

They're "flippers," aren't they?

It's "tire" air.

Okay, so what you got to do

is you got to put the tank

on your back,

the flippers on your feet,

and the jar on your fat face --

or the fat jar on your face.

And you're gonna do

all these jobs

using the handyman's

secret weapon...

...Duct tape.

Now, this is probably

gonna take me a while,

so why don't we

get on with the show?

And we can come back

when I got her all built.

Now it's my favorite part

of the show,

the part where we expose

those three little words

that men find so hard to say --

"I don't know."

wa-a-a!

And now here to prove that

once again is my uncle red

and his best friend

in the whole wide world.

Oh, okay -- mr. Glen braxton.

All righty, it says here --

we got, "dear experts.

"I am organizing a cookout

for all the gang at work,

"and I am wondering what type

of food to prepare and serve.

Would you have any hints

you would like to pass on?"

uh, I always find budget

is the main consideration.

Uh, you know, say, we have

something like a fish fry

up at the lodge, and then,

of course, nobody catches any,

and, uh, so we have to

augment the menu,

and it always forces us

over budget.

And then you get all the whiners

who want to know,

how do hot dogs and macaroni

qualify as fish fry?

I just tell the guys, "hey,

throw some worms in," you know?

Well, you sounded serious

at the time.

Oh, harold.

The most important thing is to

find the right man for the job.

For your chef,

you need to get a welder.

Welder?

Oh, yeah.

An acetylene torch will cook

a 12-pound roast

in under 4 minutes.

And if you got electricity,

you can arc-weld a whole pig

in less than a minute.

My brother found that out.

He was upping the voltage

around the pigpen at the farm.

And electricity adds

to the presentation of the meal.

'cause the little pig's tail

straightens right out.

And all the hair all over him

stands straight up.

But you got to make sure

all your guests are grounded,

because if they stick

their fork into them...

"it is winter,

"time to get your sled out

and swoosh down giant hills,

"to learn to hang on tight and

have those high-speed thrills.

"the good, old sled will show

you how to fly and soar and whiz

and teach you just how hard

a frozen elm tree really is."

well, there you have it --

your very own scuba.

Bottom of the lake, here I come.

[ sniffing ]

oh, this fat jar smells like

every grade of meat

I've ever eaten,

and then some.

Oh, remember -- if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Oh.

[ grunts ]

is this just heavy,

or am I getting the bends?

[ golf club swooshing ]

[ bob grunting ]

ugh!

Red: Bob.

Oh, red, I-I didn't see you

standing there.

I was just doing air-direction

tests for the department.

Better write that down

on my scorecard --

I mean my notebook.

You government guys

are pretty sophisticated.

Oh, yeah.

See, I would have thought

this was just an ordinary

golf ball here.

No, that's a...

Dimpled "ergonometer."

wow, and this is not

just a putter?

No, that sets the parameters

for the wind-speed indicator.

It's a recalibration

wrench.

No kidding.

And you don't just

call that a putt?

No,

I'd call that a birdie.

Red: Bob works for the

department of natural resources,

so you always know where to

find him during working hours.

I thought I'd go and ask him

about the gold thing

because with him being with

the government and everything,

I figure he'd know all about it.

Of course, all he wanted was

for me to play golf with him.

Well, uh,

no, thanks, bob.

I-I just wanted to come by

and ask you

about this gold thing.

What gold thing?

You mean like a golf trophy?

Oh. Didn't you hear about this

on the radio?

They say that there's

the largest deposit of gold ever

right around possum --

I can't believe you guys

in natural resources

don't know something

about natural resources.

I mean, what else is there

to the job, bob?

Red, I think your information

is a little off.

The report stated that

possum lake has the largest --

largest, uh, deposit of mold

ever recorded.

Mold?

Mm-hmm.

What the heck

are we gonna do with mold?

I don't know.

Guess you could turn

possum lodge

into a yogurt ranch.

[ laughs ]

listen, red, why don't you

join me for a game of golf?

It'll take your mind

off your disappointment.

I thought you were just

testing the wind here, bob.

Well, whatever.

Ugh!

[ water splashes ]

boy. Must be real windy

over there where you are.

Wow, this gold/mold thing

has been a bit of a setback.

We've never heard anyone

getting rich during a mold rush.

Well, you know, uncle red,

mold has its value,

too, you know.

'cause they use it, like,

you know,

to make bread

or penicillin.

Wa-a-a-a.

So, mold is not

a bad thing.

Would you pay 400 bucks an ounce

for it, harold?

If not, then it's a bad thing,

'cause that's how much

we spent digging the gold mine,

all right?

$400?

How did you manage

to spend $400

on like 12 volunteers

digging a hole in the ground?

Mainly refreshments.

Well, uh, you can build up

a thirst inhaling that mold,

I'll tell you.

What we found

is that brewer's yeast

is the best for handling

mold of that type.

Anyway, uh, we've decided

to convert the mine

into an underground

parking lot,

and we figure we can get

15 cars single file in there,

and the only trick is,

you have to park

in the reverse order

that you'd be leaving, though.

See?

Excuse me, uh, uncle red.

Have you thought

this plan through?

Because, you know, I don't

want to make judgments here,

you know,

but I'm just thinking

that I think

your plan's flawed...

Badly flawed,

like "rescue 911" flawed.

Well, now, harold,

if we're gonna get into

comparing things

with flaws in them,

I think you're not gonna have

a very nice day.

Well, I just mean,

you know,

like, say, just even one car

gets stuck in the mine,

then, you know,

everybody gets shafted.

Wa-a-a!

Uh, we have that covered,

harold.

See, when you back

the first car in,

you drive the next one back,

the next one drive the next one.

So they're all

bumper to bumper.

We give everybody

jumper cables.

Plus, we're gonna charge them

all three bucks a head.

Well, that's great.

So you'll get, like,

your $400 back in no time.

Well, it's $800 now.

We had to buy

the jumper cables,

and, of course, we all wanted,

you know, snazzy vests,

and then everybody

wanted a flashlight.

We bought

100 flashlights.

Well, that's -- that's okay,

too, because, you know,

you finally learned

that in order to make it big,

you got to spend big!

Wa-a-a!

I'm real glad to hear you

say that, harold,

'cause we took it

right out of your salary.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ the fish swam in

like horses ♪

♪ and jumped up

on the beach ♪

♪ they climbed

this thick-leafed maple ♪

♪ and each one

gave a speech ♪

♪ they sang a bunch

of show tunes ♪

♪ and jumped back

into the lake ♪

♪ it's amazing

what you see up here ♪

♪ after

you bang your head ♪

♪ really, really hard

on the dock ♪

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Attention, everybody.

Clear the area.

It's time

for "adventures with bill."

bill had asked me

to drop over, so I did,

and, uh, he wanted to do

some backpacking today,

so he's got these --

these are -- these are --

I -- we never

had these in the army.

Of course, I wasn't in the army,

but I'm sure we didn't --

wouldn't have had.

Oh, his has got a little bit

of a bend in there,

so, bill, very resourceful.

Just bend it over his knee

and just -- oh, oh.

Well, might have been

a bit of a --

it's not good enough

for bill now.

However, apparently,

it's good enough for me.

Now, bill, there's a couple

of straps for your arms.

Well, that's it. Get your arm

in the other one there.

No, bill. Bill, bill,

you're gonna get dizzy there.

Let me help you.

It's good to go backpacking

with someone else.

They can help you get

the arm hole through there,

and then you get it centered

on there, and then --

well, no, no.

Now, bill, bill.

Bill. Bill.

Well, we were kind of

chilling out, and there's...

There's -- I guess

that was the daily --

the daily log

that you keep in the woods.

Anyway, bill wanted me to load

him up, and this is a beauty.

These things are so light,

and they're perfectly balanced,

and it's amazing

how much stuff --

you know, if you got the little

attachments and so on --

how much stuff you can get

onto your backpack,

and then you're just free

to go through the woods

at your leisure.

You miss so much when you're,

say, going over the woods

in a concorde

or something of that nature.

This way you can see all the

trees and see the ground and...

Well, almost all the branches.

There we go.

Yeah, a little bit of limbo

there gives you an appreciation

for the caribbean

and all that they stand for.

And the beauty is,

if you do get tired, you just --

you can sit down and relax.

You are, in fact,

one with nature.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, well. Oh, well.

And you got -- you have

basically all your belongings.

You're self-sufficient at this

point with this type of a rig,

and then you can just --

when you get comfortable,

you take the thing off,

and -- oh.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, boy.

But, you know, resourcefulness

is the mark

of a good backpacker.

And bill is resourceful.

This next part of the show

is for all you young people

out there.

You deserve this.

Wa-a-a, hi.

And welcome, adventure seekers,

to the first edition ever of...

[ imitates "charge" fanfare ]

...Possum lodge cadets!

Okay, well, possum lodge cadets

are for those of us

who aren't, you know,

official members

of the real,

actual possum lodge.

But that's only because

we don't believe in the rules,

their attitudes, and, well,

okay, they won't let us join.

But I'll bet you that being

a possum lodge cadet

is even way more better.

Wa-a-a-a-a!

I bet you it is.

Okay, so, you want to

make a uniform, right?

No problemo.

Wa-a-a.

Cool.

Okay, okay, all right.

So, all you need for a uniform

is, like, um, clothes,

you know, and some scissors,

an official possum lodge hat,

you know, and a few incidentals,

and then, of course,

you're gonna want to

have a meeting.

So you have to have

at least one other person

to join the possum lodge cadets,

which, at this point,

I'm finding to be,

you know, the hardest part,

but if I do --

harold, I need

another bungee cord.

I put some lumber

on the roof rack there.

No, uncle red, no, no.

This is, like,

an official cadet tie now.

Well, fine.

You can leave it on if you like.

Cadets enjoy

action-filled danger

and moment-to-moment

excitement.

Wa-a-a.

I know you teenagers

watch a whole lot of television,

and you get kind of

a mixed-up idea

of what the world's really like.

The worst thing is,

tv makes crime look good,

where, actually, crime is bad.

First of all,

there's no such thing

as a criminal mastermind, okay?

The prison population

is not a brain trust.

If you ever skim

through the mug shots

down at the police station

there,

you know you're not looking

at the m.I.T. Graduating class.

And if you're a criminal,

one of these guys

is gonna be your roommate

for the next 20 years.

Also, if you get

into the criminal line of work,

you got to work a lot of nights,

there's zero benefits,

and nobody's gonna come

to your patio party

'cause they're afraid there's

gonna be a drive-by shooting.

Despite what you see

on television,

most criminals either

get caught or killed

or they have to change

their identity

and move to a country where

there's nothing worth stealing.

So I'm asking you to just say no

to assault, break and enter,

arson, murder,

theft, drug trafficking,

and, oh, yeah,

real-estate sales.

Joshua two feathers

is a real-estate developer

on the reserve

next door to the lodge,

and I thought

he might have some advice

about the underground

parking lot.

This was handed down to me

by my father.

Wow. It's like an indian legend

or something.

This is

a geological survey

of the water table's

drainage patterns.

Now, you see here --

how the water comes

close to ground level?

Yeah.

You couldn't dig a basement

for a townhouse

without hitting water.

Forget the underground

parking lot, red,

unless you can convert it

to a car wash.

Oh, you sure the chart

is accurate, joshua?

I mean, I hate to change

all our plans

just because of some old piece

of paper and what it has to say.

Careful what you say,

red.

I won't let you

dishonor my father.

He had a phd

in urban planning.

Well...

Just like I told them --

the darn parking lot

all flooded there,

14 cars up to their door handles

in well water.

I'll tell you, by the time

those seats get saturated,

there'll be more mold

around here

than in a bachelor's fridge.

Excuse me, uncle red.

What about the possum van?

You weren't crazy enough

to park the possum van

in there, were you?

No, no, no, harold.

Tried to.

But, uh, it's just

a little tad high there,

and she kind of wedged

into the entrance, you know?

So, that was a lifesaver,

but, uh, unfortunately,

this, of course,

prevented the others

from getting in

and getting their cars,

and I never would have guessed

the short tempers

on some of these -- some of

these lodge members, you know.

But it'll work out okay.

Then we got the idea that,

uh, you know,

if we could raise

the water pressure,

maybe we could just

pop the van out of there.

So we started thinking

about the water table and so on.

We figured we'd get

moose thompson

to cannonball

down the well.

And, uh, I think

it would have worked, harold.

But, uh, well, we forgot

to take the bucket out first,

and I think we should have

greased the sides

'cause he seized up

about 30 feet down.

We'll get him out.

We'll just pour some bacon fat

down the walls over there

and winch him up

on the rope,

but he's gonna have to take

those splinters out on his own.

Maybe, you know, you've got

that parking-problem story.

You might want to just,

you know, stick to that.

Wa-a-a.

Yeah. Yeah, I think

we'll be all right.

I mean,

worse comes to worse,

we'll just wait for the winter,

'cause the van will be cold.

She'll shrink a bit,

and the entrance will freeze up,

and I think she'll just

pop right out of there.

Okay, but, um,

well, consider this.

Maybe the other cars will,

like, freeze where they are.

They'll get stuck

in there.

Well, if that happens,

we'll give them

their 3 bucks back.

[ screeching ]

oh, that's the squeal

of the possum.

That's meeting time, uncle red.

You better get going.

Okay. You go ahead, harold.

I'll be right down.

Okay, all right.

Uh,

if my wife is watching, uh,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and, uh, I'm sorry I didn't --

I didn't strike gold this week,

but I didn't strike harold,

either,

so you got to be proud of me.

And, uh, to all the rest of you,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

uh, thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching ]

all rise!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.