Lodge Luau/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

I asked five of my friends

to come out here

and give me a hand cutting

down this dead tree.

They all said sure.

Of course, none of

them showed up.

Makes me glad

I never showed up

when they asked me to help

them out with a chore.

Serves them right

in advance.

But now what I am

supposed to do?

I mean this this is a

two-man saw, right?

This thing wobbles more

than a politician

at a paternity test.

And I can't just hack

it up into a one-man saw,

it's mine.

Hmm.

I got it!

I may not have friends

and I may not have pants,

but I have imagination.

You've heard

of a belt sander?

Hey, I made

a saw-suspender.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

Harold wanted to

have a big theme weekend

to attract

tourists up here

so we thought we'd go

with a baffin island deal.

We're going to

have tusk carving,

and everybody gets a little

bag of blubber to chew on.

Moose thompson is doing

laps of possum lake

while people try

to harpoon him.

Uncle red!

You have to

clear all your

announcements through me.

I thought we settled

that after the

all you can eat

roadkill barbeque.

Well, that's

a dumb outfit for

the baffin island

festival, harold.

You're going to freeze

your clam diggers off.

No, no, not

the baffin island,

the big island.

What?

You mean alcatraz?

No, hawaii!

Hawaii?

Oh, hawaii!

Good and how are you?

What are the rules

for justifiable

homicide again,

harold?

Uncle red,

we're going to have

hula dancers

and surfers,

and we're going

to be serving poi.

Poi?

What's that,

pie from new jersey?

No, no, no,

no, no.

No, it's a

hawaiian dish.

People are going to

swear they're in waikiki.

Harold, convincing

tourists

that possum lake is

waikiki is impossible

unless it's nighttime

during a lunar eclipse

and they've got

no sense of smell.

No, uncle red,

we're having a

hawaiian-themed weekend,

and that's all

there is to it.

Please allow me to

present you with this lay.

Harold, you know,

there's something wrong

when two guys

are getting lays,

and one of them's married

and the other one's you.

It's time for

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize is one free

landscaping job

from the possum lake

correctional facility

gardening co-op.

Where we give gas-powered

lawn equipment

to hardened criminals

and turn them loose

in your backyard.

All right, cover your

ears there, edgar.

Edgar?

We're good.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Okay, red,

you've got 30 seconds

to get edgar montrose

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, edgar!

Edgar!

Town council

sent you a letter

telling you you're

making too much...

Road damage.

Okay, but up

around your place

I would imagine you

get a lot of traffic...

Well, not after

the road damage.

Okay, okay, no, okay.

This is a scary sound

coming from the

basement at night.

Grandpa?

No, okay.

This is something you're

not allowed to make

in the library.

Oh, bombs.

No, okay.

No, no.

In some monasteries

they vow not to make...

Whoopie?

Okay, edgar, you know

when people are startled,

they'll yell,

"what's that..."

man doing with

the high explosives?

Almost out of time, red.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Okay, edgar, whenever

you do a demolition job

the main complaint

you get is,

there's just

too much...

Collateral damage.

You know, that

really annoys me.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Red: So what do

you guys think

of those reality

television shows?

Dalton: Reality television,

what's that?

Mike: Weird, eh,

reality television?

Sounds like

an oxen-moray.

Dalton: An oxenmoray?

It means two things

that don't go together,

like oxen and

moray eels.

Dalton: Oh, I think you

mean oxymoron.

What's

an oxymoron?

Well, that's when

harold needs

his pimple cream

on his nose.

Reality tv!

People don't

want to see real.

They want to see

a bunch of

attractive,

smart, young people

wearing skimpy clothing.

I mean real

reality television

would show a bunch of ugly,

middle-aged guys in flannels

sitting around

complaining about stuff.

Who would want

to watch that?

Actually, I've been

on quite a lot

of reality television.

Crimestoppers and then

later on court tv.

No, I'm talking

about these shows

that take a

bunch of people

and put them

on a desert island,

and they get them

swinging from vines

and eating

raw spiders,

and then one of them

pretends to be a

millionaire,

but he's actually a

backhoe operator,

and so the bachelorettes

will face all their fears

and end up getting

hired by donald trump.

You know, reality.

Dalton:

That sounds good.

Mike:

I'll watch anything.

Red:

No, no, but I'm saying

they call that

a reality show.

It doesn't sound like

reality to me.

Dalton:

Well, so what?

Anne marie and I,

we got reality.

It's bad enough to

watch it in person.

I certainly wouldn't want

to watch it on television.

Well, I think

you're wrong.

I think you

and anne marie

can do a great

reality show.

So do I.

Now, where would

that show run,

dalton,

on discovery or on

the nature channel?

You know, based on past

experience with anne-marie,

I'd have to go

with pay-per-view.

[ they chuckle ]

all right,

50 cents,

but that's my

final offer.

Bye.

Anything else?

You sure?

You know when

you were a kid

you were a

bit of a sucker

for any type

of sales pitch,

so you end up with

a whole bunch of stuff

you never use,

like life jackets

or hard hats

or a thighmaster

or these things

you're supposed to

stick on your

steering wheel.

Oh sure, you tried it

for a couple of weeks,

but then you realized

putting an anti-theft

device in your car

is like posting an

armed guard at the

city dump.

So now you're stuck

with all this stuff,

but what do you do?

You tried

the yard sale,

but unfortunately,

people today

are not as gullible

as you were.

Luckily,

on handyman corner,

we like to show

that useless things

can have a purpose too.

That's an important message

for your wife and kids.

For example, this tool box is

something I never use.

It's way too small

for the number

of tools I carry,

and the tool boxes

that are big enough,

I can't lift.

Instead, I just

let my tools

roll around in the back

of the possum van.

It's safe as long

as I don't stop too fast

and with the brakes

on that unit,

that's no worry.

But rather than throw

this tool box into the lake,

I keep it here

by the fireplace

full of all the

assembly directions

and instruction manuals

I don't have time

to sit down and read

and never will.

With these babies,

I can start a fire

in four

different languages.

Maybe you've got

a couple of kids

who are always stealing

food from each other

at the dinner table.

It's usually 'cause they're

sitting too close together.

So you need an anti-theft

device keeping them apart.

And did you notice

my tablecloth?

Just an old road map out

of the glove compartment.

It's cheap

but it looks good

and it encourages

dinner conversation.

Cause when you

look at the local towns

and recreation areas,

it reminds you of the

hilarious stories

and how you

avoided arrest.

And when it gets dirty,

you just crumple it up,

and it can hit

the road.

You know those smoke detectors

you have in the ceiling,

the ones where you haven't

changed the batteries

since the '80s?

Well, they make

dandy doorstops.

And you know how the kids

go out the screen door

and never close it?

Well, hey, that's what a

thighmaster's for.

[ applause ]

now, if you're the

kind of handyman I am,

you probably also

have a hard hat that

you never use,

because protecting

your head is, again,

like posting an armed

guard at the city dump.

Instead, fill it up

with water.

Makes a dandy bird bath.

And a pair of

safety goggles

makes a real

good bird feeder.

As for those life jackets

that never leave the

boathouse,

wrap them around

the cooler.

They add to

the insulation,

and if you ever get hit

with a flash flood,

at least the

beer'll be safe.

For me, nothing

says summer

like hearing a thighmaster

making my screen door slam,

while the birds are

swimming in my hard-hat

and I enjoy a brewski

lying safely in my hammock

made of seat belts.

[ applause ]

there comes a time in the

life of almost every guy

when he's gonna

need glasses.

He's usually the last one

to see it coming.

Along with the stop sign,

the elderly crossing guard

and the lawsuit.

You can tell if

you need glasses.

If you squint so often

your wife keeps asking

if you're constipated,

that's a clue.

And when it comes,

choose your frames wisely.

Some frames complement

your face,

others crack

a joke about it.

Very disappointing to

purchase a pair of bifocals

and the first thing

you can see clearly

is everybody

laughing at you.

Now, you can't tell

what's good and bad

until you see

them on you.

A big pair

of black frames

might make your buddy

look like henry kissinger,

but they make you look

like orville redenbacher.

Or those small,

round frames

make your brother

look like john lennon,

but make you

look like that granny

who carries

tweety bird around.

You want to choose the

frames based on the

shape of your head.

You may even need

a range of different styles

because maybe your

head changes shape,

after a compliment

or a party

or a skiing accident.

Only get frameless glasses

if you have a shapeless head.

The best thing,

consult your wife.

You're going to get her

opinion anyway, right?

You get a lot more points

if you ask for it first.

But whatever you do,

don't get contact lenses.

I mean, at our age

the fingers aren't steady

enough to cut a bagel.

You really don't want to be

touching the eyeball.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

[ applause ]

wow, the big

hawaiian-themed weekend

is really starting

to take off.

We changed the name

of possum lake to

alottalakawata.

And tonight's

the big luau

where we cook a pig

in the ground there.

Picking the spot

is the tricky part

because most of the holes

on the lodge property

used to have an

outhouse over them.

Oh, uncle red,

yeah?

They brought

the pig over.

Yeah.

I mean, it's dead,

but it's got a

head and everything!

I mean everything.

It's got it all.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I think

it's going to sit up

and suddenly go,

[as porky pig ]

that's all, folks!

Everything!

Harold it's not

the lodge mascot,

it's dinner, okay?

The pig prefers

to be dead.

I wouldn't be surprised

if it committed suicide.

Well, that's

another thing,

you don't know

how to cook a luau pig.

I never missed

one episode of

hawaii five-o, harold.

You dig a hole.

You stick the

pig in there.

We're going to

drain the oil out

of buster's '74 aries,

crank her at full

throttle until the

motor blows up,

drop the red hot

engine parts in

the pork,

cover the whole

shebang with our

wet bathing suits.

What do you got

to say about that?

Book em, dan-o.

That reminds me,

junior singleton recommended

this hawaiian girl singer.

I think she's a distant

relative of don ho.

Remember that

hawaiian crooner?

♪ tiny bubbles,

in the bath ♪

remember that guy?

Oh, that'd great,

that'd great.

You know who I booked?

You know who I booked?

[shuddering]

I got a hula dancer.

Oh boy,

oh boy, oh boy.

Yeah, she's going

to be dancing

with the dancing stuff.

Harold, harold.

She's got all

the stuff --

harold, you're supposed

to watch the hands.

I know.

Yeah, I know.

I'm going to

videotape her dancing

so I can watch

the hands later.

All right, then.

Yup.

Harold, harold.

Yes?

Don't tell me

you're the surfer.

Girls love those guys.

Have you ever

surfed before, harold?

I surf the internet

all the time.

Okay, but don't

hit the dock,

or you'll be spam.

It's true.

Red: Pretty windy day

out behind the lodge, but --

watch your head.

Ooh!

Walter and bill are going

to do a little mini-putting.

We got the --

we got the one hole.

You do one hole 18 times,

it's a lot cheaper.

And I'm not sure if this

is going to work out.

I was just trying

to cut the lawn,

but I noticed the

grass is blowing away

as fast as

I was cutting her.

So walter's going

to give it a try

and just as

he putted up there,

a gust of wind came along,

blew up the end

of the mini-putt.

That was unfortunate.

So I guess now

it's bill's shot.

Just get him out

of the way there and --

so bill's going

to try her again,

and now he's kinda expecting

another gust of wind

might come along so he ducks

and thinking that was

a good move.

Not so.

So now the wind

is really coming up.

Tornado warning,

I'm thinking to myself,

are you serious?

Apparently, yes.

So I say to the guys,

hey guys, forget the game.

There's a tornado coming

and we got stuff everywhere.

We got to get the

yard all cleaned up,

and I think

the best thing --

walter, walter,

you clean up the yard.

Bill and I will go

and hide somewhere.

C'mon, bill.

So walter starts

picking --

now the wind

is really starting,

and you can feel it just

starting to twist and

turn a little bit.

Then --

watch out for the rake.

Oh, boy.

And he gets as much

as he can get,

and he's heading

for the shed,

and boy, it's getting

serious there now.

There it's coming

right across the field.

Wow!

And so bill and I are going

to go into the barn there --

bill is beating on the --

what's his problem?

I open the door

and let him in,

but he didn't seem

interested,

so to heck with it.

It's not locked, bill.

There we go.

And the wind just

took it right off.

That's gone.

And walter, he decided to

abandon the lawn chairs

and the barbeque

and everything

and just get inside the --

unfortunately,

with this shed,

it has a lock

on the outside only.

And the tornado's

getting real close now.

It's getting

pretty scary,

and you've never seen

anything like this.

Bill was shocked.

Shocked to the point that he

brought his video camera out

and got a little footage.

And it picked up

the lawn mower

and dropped it right

down on the lawn

and started cutting the

lawn as if there was --

it was just spooky.

And then suddenly

it was quiet,

which I didn't

mind actually.

We come out round

looking for walter.

Where's walter?

Then we realize,

he's in the shed

and bill wanted

to let him --

and I said hang on

a minute, wait, wait.

Hold it, bill.

Wait, wait.

Hold it, whoa, yeah.

We got - the lawn's

been cut up here.

Let me try

this golf ball.

Let's see if I can

undo it with a golf ball.

Oh, look at that,

unbelievable.

So we're all safe.

We think

everything is good.

But we had forgotten

about the lawn mower.

Excuse us a minute.

[ applause ]

reminds me of that time

I parked in moosejaw.

You know, defrosting

your freezer

is like picking spaghetti

off the ceiling.

The longer you leave it,

the harder it gets.

You single guys know

what I'm talking about.

What we need here

is a solution

that's just like the

girls you dream about...

Quick and easy.

I'm just kidding,

bernice.

Because at my age,

the only thing I find

that's quick and easy

is a microwave oven.

You get yourself one

of these smaller units.

Oh.

And then just gently

remove the door.

Next you want

to jam something

into the locking

mechanism

on the front

of the unit

so the machine will think

the door is actually closed.

Ah, here we go.

I suggest you use

something plastic, eh?

We want this

to be safe.

Okay, I set the

timer for five minutes

and plugged her in,

that's all you --

oh, by the way, remember

a couple of weeks ago

I tried to make

a tanning bed

by putting a microwave

into a freezer?

Doesn't work,

she won't brown.

[ bell rings ]

oh, mission accomplished.

[ applause ]

you know, when you try

new things you

learn stuff.

For example,

I never realized that

a pig was that

flammable.

Of course, all those

engine parts

covered in transmission

fluid didn't help,

and that old oak tree

took a lot of fire damage.

Oh, no,

it's fine, harold.

Shouldn't you

be out surfing?

I'm not leaving

until that fire's out.

What do you care?

You're on possum lake.

That's what's

on fire!

No, harold,

I put it out.

You're fine.

Way you go.

Yeah?

They're waiting for you.

They love you.

The girls love

that, harold.

Oh, boy.

Meanwhile, our luau pig

was a bit of a burn out.

Once she cools down,

I figure we'll have

700 pounds of pork rinds.

Hopefully we had

better luck with

the entertainment.

Our clientele has

no appreciation of art.

What happened to the

real hula dancer,

mike?

Well, there was

a contract dispute.

She wanted one.

I bet the

audience was a

little disappointed.

Yeah!

They all boo'ed

and hissed me,

and then one smart guy

came at me with a weed whacker.

Oh, boy.

I hope you didn't

let him get away

with that.

Oh no, I sent him a

very clear message.

But in keeping with

the hawaiian motif,

I said it all

with my hands.

Very good.

Actually it was

just one finger.

Okay, okay.

All right.

Away you go,

away you go.

Away you go down

to the meeting.

Away you go.

Away you go.

Better get that off,

it's crab grass season.

More trouble, red.

What?

You had a misunderstanding

with the girl singer.

The one related

to don ho?

Yeah, no.

That was only your

interpretation.

The message

said she's a ho.

[ creaking sound ]

oh, I think

that big oak's going

to fall in the lake.

Ah, doesn't matter.

It won't hurt anybody.

Except harold.

He's still out there

on that surfboard!

Yeah, but the tree's

not going to hit him.

No, but the

tidal wave might!

[ huge crash and splashing ]

oh, man!

Surf's up!

So's the surfer!

[ screaming ]

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, I think harold's

already down there.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I'm going to try and

keep the luau going.

I'm hoping you'll have

a little milkshake,

or as they call it in hawaii,

a tiny muu-muu.

And to the rest of

you thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

guys, c'mon in. Sit down.

Everybody, meeting's

coming to order.

Everybody, sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your head

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change

if I have to...

I guess.

Okay, men.

We're going to abandon the

hawaiian thing

and we're going for

a jamaican theme,

because we got the pork,

and we got the jerk.

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