Survivor/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know how frustrating it is

when you're working on a project

and you get thirsty,

but you've just finished

off your favourite beverage,

and you really don't want to

break your concentration

and go back into the house to

get yourself another one?

Well, here's a simple solution.

All you need is an

assistant in the kitchen,

standing by the fridge

and a pretty good length

of eavestrough

and a belt sander.

Perfect.

Now all you do is put your

sander back on there,

facing the other way,

and you can send your empties

back in for recycling.

[ applause ]

[ cheering and appuse ]

[ inaudible ]

oh, oh, oh.

Sorry about that.

Got a bit of an emergency in the

area.

There's a toxic cloud around the

whole region.

They've identified the source.

Uh, stinky peterson set his

mattress on fire.

But until she dissipates now,

we've all gotta stay put with

our doors and windows locked.

So I've evacuated

the whole lodge,

and I had to cancel

tonight's meeting.

I'm kind of trapped

here for a couple of days.

Can't go home.

Nobody can come here.

Nobody to talk to.

Nobody to listen to.

Cable's all paid up.

She's gonna be rough,

I'll tell ya.

I thought I heard someone.

Oh, no.

What are you

doing here, dalton?

Well, the same

thing you are.

I can't go home.

I can't go to work.

It's hell.

[ laughing ]

you know, I was looking forward

to having the whole lodge

to myself.

Yeah, well,

you know, so was I.

Well, you screwed

that up, didn't you?

Well, so did you!

All right, we can

work this out.

Tell you what,

you get half the lodge,

I get the other half.

See that trunk there?

You get the part

there on that side.

I get the part over

here on this side.

That trunk's not

in the middle!

Oh, gosh.

Grab an end.

Holy mackerel.

[ grunting ]

hey!

[ laughter and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today, ranger gord

will be playing for a yo-yo.

How ironic is that?

Okay, gord, close --

uh, cover your ears there.

Okay, red, you have 30 seconds

to get ranger gord to

say this word...

And go!

Okay, gord, this is

something you sit on,

but it's not a chair.

A muskrat.

No, no, um --

okay, it's like a chair,

but it has three legs

instead of four.

A really tippy chair.

Okay, okay.

This is something that a lot of

people sit on in bars.

Sailors?

Okay, okay, say you've

got a guy who's

in the mafia,

and he's been asked to testify

against the godfather.

He's a blank pigeon.

Yeah, a carrier pigeon.

Carrier pigeon?

Extinct.

Oh, no, no, no.

Okay, gord, do you know

what a specimen is?

Yes, I a believe a specimen

is an italian astronaut.

(play on 'spaceman')

[ laughter and applause ]

you're almost

out of time, red.

I've got nothing.

My wits are no match

for his stupidity.

Come on, red.

It's a poor workman

that blames the stools.

I heard it in

there somewhere.

I heard it!

Come on, mike,

dinner's coming.

Stop fooling around.

I'm not fooling

around, mr green.

I'm video taping

our experience.

These reality shows are

very popular, you know.

Well, unless dalton starts

running around naked,

the first guy I vote off the

island is the cameraman.

You know, people

really love this stuff.

It's kind of like peeking in

your neighbour's window.

The last time I tried

that, I got six months

in the slammer.

Well, I hope you

learned your lesson, mike.

Yeah, if I'd have

done it with a camera,

I'd have had a hit series.

Well, I hope

you're hungry.

I'd have to be.

What was this originally?

Don't you start with me.

No, no, I need to

know what I'm eating.

I'm sure they'll

ask at the hospital.

You think this

is easy, huh?

Trying to decide what to make,

preparing it all and then

getting it together at

the same time?

No, I think you've

done real well.

She's pretty much

equally burned.

All right, fine, fine!

You don't wanna eat it,

that's fine with me!

I mean, why should I care?

I'll tell you what.

I'll eat as much as you do.

I'm not even hungry.

Well, you're lucky.

Men!

[ applause ]

you know, a lot of

young people

are asking me about the

entrepreneurial spirit.

They want to know what it is.

Well, it's not the kind of

spirit you find in a bottle.

Although, believe me,

many of us have looked.

No, the entrepreneurial spirit

is about taking a problem

and turning it

into an opportunity.

Now, you may have noticed

that I've got a couple of

flat tires on my 4x4.

Actually, there's two more just

like these on the other side.

I'm gonna take this problem

and turn it into an opportunity.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna

use this vehicle

to generate enough money to buy

me a whole new set of tires.

Sound impossible?

Hey, it's on tv;

it must be true.

And now, through the magic

of innovation and lack

of alternatives,

I've turned

my all-wheel-drive vehicle

into a four-station wood shop.

Oh, yeah, now I can make

products out of wood

that I can sell to people

and make enough money

to make myself a half-decent

set of retreads.

And then if I want, I can

continue on as a manufacturer,

maybe go public with

an I.P.O.,

make millions

of dollars in profits

and move on to my next

investment.

But I'll probably

just get the tires.

[ engine starting ]

now we come to the next

most important step of the

entrepreneurial process...

Deciding what to make.

So I researched around,

found out what local people

wanted and what they

could afford.

I've decided

to make duck calls,

mainly because I know what

a duck call looks like.

Plus, I'd be selling

mostly to men,

which I think is easier.

As long as something works,

men will buy it.

They don't care what it costs

or what colour it is.

Heck, even if it doesn't work,

men will buy it.

Take a look in your driveway.

Okay, first of all

I go to my cutting station.

I'm gonna cut this to roughly

the length that I want.

All right, now what we do

is we take her down to

our lathe area there.

We're gonna round off the

corners a bit.

Now, I've already mounted

a piece to kind of speed

up this demonstration.

Okay, once I get

the lathing done,

I've got my basic duck call.

But you know, this is

a little rough for today's

discerning customer,

so now I've got to go

to my sanding station.

It's just really a piece

of fine grain sandpaper

mounted onto a record

album as a backing.

Actually, I used

nat king cole on that

because he's extra smooth.

And then just do

your little sanding.

Perfect.

Now to turn it

into a real duck call,

I've got to drill a hole

into the darn thing,

and for that I'm gonna use

my drilling station here.

Just slowly --

you know, you may want to

wear safety goggles on this,

maybe even some

cast iron gloves.

And it's just that easy.

So you entrepreneurs remember

if the women don't find

you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ honking noise ]

I should also mention that

99% of new businesses fail

in their first year.

[ honking noise ]

[ geese honking ]

[ applause ]

you know something happens

to guys' major senses

when they approach

middle age?

They lose 'em.

But they lose 'em

in kind of an odd way.

The other day, bernice

was talking straight

to my face there,

and all I could hear was the

radio in the next room

because it was running

that ad for the boat show.

She was probably giving me the

details of some important plan,

but that's the kind

of information

that's better in the hands

of somebody competent,

somebody who has all

their faculties.

I'm losing mine like pocket

change in a laz-e-boy.

But, like I say,

you lose 'em kinda weird;

like, my eyes aren't good

enough to read the

street signs,

but I can tell if the beer store

is open six blocks away.

I can't watch two kids for half

an hour without a disaster,

but I can watch four ball

games and an indy race

simultaneously.

So, guys, look,

don't fight it.

It's natural.

Just kind of

keep a low profile.

Smile a lot, don't talk much,

and if you feel a draft,

check your fly.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

And what do you

think you're doing?

Well,

I'm going to bed.

Not after the way you

spoke to me at dinner,

you're not.

What are you

talking about, dalton?

This is my bed.

You get the heck

outta here.

I'm not going anywhere

because there is no bed

on my side of the lodge.

Well, go sleep

in the cabin.

You can hold your

breath that long.

Isn't that

a great idea?

Why don't you try it?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dalton?

Yes?

What is that?

[ laughter ]

what is what?

There's something

cold in the bed.

Oh, that's

my tire iron.

You expecting a flat?

It's for protection.

I don't find you that

attractive, dalton.

[ laughter and applause ]

it's protection against

burglars and arsonists.

Well, there won't be any

arson going on here.

[ laughter and applause ]

mm-hmm, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Girl, you know boys

are like that in their

first year of college.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, my god, for real?

I know.

I know.

Listen, I gotta get going.

No, no, nothing important.

I'm just at work.

Okay?

Bye.

Hi, mr green.

Thank you for

coming in.

Didn't realise I had

a choice, actually.

You know, I think it is so

cute how you wear your, um,

costumes to every

one of our meetings.

But really,

it's not necessary.

Costume?

Oh, no, no, these

are my lodge clothes.

Right. Right.

And you know, it's just

great to wear them in public.

It's wacky,

and a fantastic way to draw

attention to yourself.

But what we need

is for you to draw attention

to yourself while you're

on television.

The network is looking for a

little more shock value.

Well, I guess I could do a

little more electrical work.

[ giggling ]

no, that doesn't count.

You need a

younger demographic,

you know, maybe some more

swearing, more violence.

More...

Well, just more swearing

and violence for now.

I've written up some

words here

that are perfectly fine

for you to use during

your time slot.

I think you should give

some of them a try.

Well, I say this word quite a

bit during the handyman corner,

but we always edit it out.

Well, don't.

That's exactly

what we need.

You know, we might even move

your show to a later time slot

so you could say words like,

[ bleep ] or [ bleep ]

or [ bleep ]

wow, were you ever a

merchant marine?

Okay, I understand if

swearing is not your thing.

Okay, maybe

you could just, um,

punch one of the lodge

members in the face

once in a while.

Well, I don't think the

lodge members would go

for that one too much.

Well, you know,

you just fake it.

You don't really punch them.

It's fine to

fake things, you know?

Really?

It's perfectly fine.

Just say whatever

and do whatever,

and people will believe

anything you tell them.

Okay, well, then I'm telling

you that we are going to make

all these changes

for the very next show.

Perfect.

[ applause ]

red: Well, we had a

big day set out.

We had four oil drums.

Each guy put his name on one.

Of course, you know

what we're gonna do...

Roll 'em down a hill

with us inside, you know.

That's what happens when you

have socialized medicine.

But we have to have

a test pilot, someone

to run her first.

Walter seemed like

the prime suspect.

He'll heal faster;

he's younger.

He's in there.

We just have to cap that up.

Get that on there

good and firm.

It's okay now.

And let's just give him

a little push and

get him going.

Okay --

bon voyage!

Uh-oh!

Oh, boy!

Okay, now we --

okay --

mike bring me a

stick or something.

We gotta just pop

the lid on that.

Anything on the

junk pile there?

Yeah, there you go.

Get one of those long roller

extension handle things.

No, no, not the stick.

All right, just pop

that lid off.

All right, here he comes.

All right, he's good.

Walter had noticed that

he couldn't see where

he was going.

If we cut a window in her,

then you could --

by leaning you could

steer it and everything.

So I got the torch.

And I'm cutting

a little window.

You better get

outta there, walter.

And we put the

rubber around each one.

I didn't go for the window.

I'd rather not

see what's coming.

Now we just get 'em rocking,

and, uh, all right,

here we go.

There we go.

Oh, man.

Oh, boy.

[ screaming ]

[ screaming ]

wahoo!

Oh, boy.

There's mike.

Okay, he's good.

There's winston, I think.

Mike, winston's coming in.

There we go.

And here comes walter.

Oh!

And here's our tribute

to the aboriginal peoples.

[ cheering and applause ]

[ barking ]

playing fetch is a great

way to exercise your dog

and dislocate your shoulder.

That popping sound

is called fetch-itis.

Wouldn't it be great

if there was a better way?

Well, there is.

[ grunting ]

all you need is a bucket seat,

a soup ladle and a little

bit of the handyman's

secret weapon.

You'll find this

a little bit easier.

[ applause ]

just waiting on local animal

control officer, ed frid.

I guess he's running a bit

behind schedule today.

Sorry I'm late, red.

Oh, man.

You okay, ed?

Not really.

Did you bring the kitten

like you promised?

Had a little

trouble with the kitten.

Yeah, but you said you

were gonna bring --

things got a little

outta hand, okay!

Are you telling me a

kitten did all of this?

Oh, no, no, no.

There were two of 'em.

One distracted me;

the other jumped

me from behind.

Got my ear.

It's been a pretty rough week.

Been to the hospital

a few times, have you, ed?

Well, they gave me my own

parking spot, yeah.

Monday morning --

yeah.

Mountain lion.

Okay.

Or it might have

been a snake bite.

It's a little blurry.

That usually

means snake bite.

Okay, probably.

Yep.

Then on Tuesday

afternoon,

I banged my knee on stinky

peterson's porch.

He's got a bunch of

skunks under there,

and they're creating

quite a problem.

Yeah, probably the

smell is bothering them.

[ laughing ]

no kidding.

But the hole was too small

for me to get a trap

under there.

So I tried to lure them out

and into the woods

by smearing bacon fat

all over my body.

That's when the

bear got me.

He mauled you, ed?

No, but he gave me

a pretty good licking.

You know, I got

things to do, ed.

I can't --

no, wait.

I need you to

do me a favour here.

Yeah, take a

look at this.

I sat on a porcupine.

Yeah, I can see that, ed.

Well, how do you

think it looks?

I don't really have

a reference point here.

Do you have a before

picture or anything?

You see, I'm worried

about an infection, eh.

I'm worried about people

who just tuned in.

Oh!

[ applause and laughter ]

[ cheering and applause ]

thank you.

Yep.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Sorry we couldn't let

you in here earlier,

but the air's finally clear,

and we're free to move

about the community,

which means that dalton

and mike can go home

so the danger is over.

Mr green,

I think you have something

that belongs to me.

I do?

My videotape of our

last two days here.

And nights.

What do you mean

specifically, mike?

My videotape of your

relationship with dalton,

including the sleepovers.

I'm gonna show it

at the meeting tonight

and use all the lodge members

as a focus group for

my tv pilot.

Well, I think that's

a great idea.

Here you go, mike.

Oh.

What's this on the

side here?

Well,

that's a magnet.

That's a horseshoe

magnet for good luck.

I put that on

the side for you.

Oh, gee,

thank you.

Yeah, it's always good

to have something on

the side, mike.

[ possum squealing ]

oh,

it's meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead.

I'll be right down.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

These last couple of days

have been a real learning

experience for me;

the main thing being that

after 34 years of marriage,

I'd rather be with

you on your worst day

than anybody else

on their best day.

And around here the

difference between those two

is extremely marginal.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

come on, guys.

To order. To order.

Come on, let's go.

Sit down.

Sit down.

There we go.

Okay, all rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Dalton: Oh, sure,

you say you will,

but you never do.

Red: All right, men and dalton,

we have a special

treat for you.

I know it's been kind of a

crisis this week,

but, uh, mike here has

filmed the whole thing,

and he wants to show you a

little tv pilot right now.

Mike: Actually, mr green, I

looked at the tape,

and there was nothing on it.

No content.

Red: Sounds like a hit!

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