Lunar Eclipse/Transcript

The complete transcript for Lunar Eclipse

Opening Scene
{Red is seen outside the lodge bending down to attach a worm-picker's pail onto his left foot with duct tape.}

RED GREEN: You know a man can get pretty hot walking around on a summer's day, especially if that man has a couple extra pounds on him and wears a lot of flannel. Here's a way to keep cool without having to wear sissy clothes. {finishes placing duct tape on the pail} Get yourself a worm-picker's pail, attach it to one foot. {stands up} Then what you need is a {grabs siphon hose} gas siphon hose like this one. You run the hose down inside the pail, up one pant leg, across, and down the other one, and you attach the pump of the siphon {points to his right foot, which is attached to one of the hose's pumps with duct tape} under your foot like that, so that every time you take a step, you're squeezing it. {squeezes the pump with his right foot} Then all you have to do is {grabs a large jug, filled with water and ice cubes, from a nearby worktable} fill up the worm pail with ice water.

{Red proceeds to pour the contents of the jug into the worm-picker's pail.}

RED GREEN: The more you walk, the cooler you feel.

{Red walks off towards the camera, with each step of his right foot squeezing the siphon hose's pump, causing it to squirt water, for a short distance before pausing.}

RED GREEN: {in high-pitched tone} Boy, that water's cold.

{Red resumes walking, turning to his left.}

Intro
''{Red enters the Lodge, waving. The audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Boy, it's pretty exciting up at the Lodge. We're having a lunar eclipse in a couple of days. Around here, that only happens about every 35 years, a little more often if there's a tire fire. Yeah, I want all the guys to get together and go up to Rock Reef Point and watch it from up there just like we did 35 years ago.

{Dalton and Mike excitedly walk into the lodge.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, that's a firm go, Red, we're all set.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, did you clear that up with Anne-Marie?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh ho ho. I don't have to clear it with Anne-Marie. If I say I'm going, I'm going!

MIKE HAMAR: Anne-Marie's at her mother's this week.

RED GREEN: I see. Well, ya know, you gotta be there, I'll tell ya. Only happens every 35 years. Junior's going, Buster's going, Moose is going. Old Man Sedgewick says no, he's already been to the last three.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {crosses arms} Is Stinky Peterson going?

RED GREEN: Well, probably. You know, it's hard to keep the stink man away from a party. That's gonna be great, it'll be fine. And you know something else? The eclipse doesn't happen till midnight, so I'm thinking, why don't we just camp overnight, just like we did 35 years back?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh geez, that was a long time ago. We were all back in high school then!

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, I was in French immersion reform school.

RED GREEN: Wow, did you learn any French there?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh yeah. {pauses} "Bonjour! C'est le seul le combination?" {pauses again} Uh, that means um, "Good day! Who can open the safe?"

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, I remember the bunch of us there that make pretty wet behind the years, eh?

RED GREEN: Once the rain started, we were pretty wet behind everything!

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, it was a while back, eh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh yeah. Boy, we sure didn't know much about life back then, huh? Certainly didn't understand women!

RED GREEN: Oh, then it could've been that long ago.

{Red, Mike and Dalton turn and leave the Lodge.}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
MIKE HAMAR: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

{The camera pulls back to reveal Mike standing behind the card table where Red and Ed are sitting.}

MIKE HAMAR: Today's winner will get to spend the whole day as the town mascot! {grabs a head costume of a cat from under the table, shows it off as Ed freaks out, then places it back under the table} Okay, cover your ears, Ed. {Ed does so} Mr. Green, you got 30 seconds to get Ed to say this word. {turns sign around to show audience; word is...} Nervous. Nervous!

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: {setting sign down on table} And go! {Ed uncovers his ears}

RED GREEN: Okay, Ed, how are you feeling?

ED FRID: Very relaxed, Red, thanks.

RED GREEN: Okay, but when you're not relaxed, you're...

ED FRID: ...easy prey?

RED GREEN: You know that {points towards the audience} when most people get on television like this, in front of a huge audience, you know, they feel very...

{Cut to Ed feeling speechless with his mouth open as he faces towards the audience.}

RED GREEN: Ed? Ed? Ed!

ED FRID: {startled} Oh, what?

RED GREEN: All right, all right, all right, just calm down. What do you call it when you get a dry mouth and you break out in a cold sweat?

ED FRID: A workday.

MIKE HAMAR: You're almost out of time, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Okay, Ed, suppose you're up a ladder, trying to get a raccoon off somebody's roof, and it turns and snarls at you, okay? That makes you...

ED FRID: ...wet my pants.

RED GREEN: Oh, okay, okay. But what does it do to the guy holding the ladder?

ED FRID: Well, makes him pretty nervous, I tell ya.

RED GREEN: There we go! {rings bell to end game as Mike places the mask on Ed's head, causing Ed to look around in disbelief}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Remember when you were young and you used to see old men, out on the street, just standing there, staring at stuff, and now you find yourself doing it? Hey, don't worry. Staring at stuff is a natural thing that happens to middle-aged guys, and I'm not talking about stuff that everybody else looks like, like cyclones and house fires and topless women. I'm talking about those holes they cut in those board fences around the construction sites so you can look in there? The only guys looking in there are middle-aged guys. For some reason, women have no time to stick their head through a sheet of plywood to watch bulldozers push dirt into a pit. But I'll tell you, I'm there every chance that I get, and when I look over at the other holes, I see other guys just like me, with the same blank look and the same open schedule. You don't have to feel bad, you don't have to feel embarrassed. At our age, we know we've already heard ourselves enough. Now it's time to watch others. So don't feel bad if you suddenly realize you've been standing there, watching guys from the city fire tree branches through a wood-chipper for an hour and a half. Just smile, count your blessings, and count your fingers. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 2
{Red is standing in the lodge, as he finishes placing contents into a bag.}

RED GREEN: Well, we're pretty much ready for our all-niter up at Rock Reef Point to watch the lunar eclipse. We've got pretty good response, although some of the guys are afraid it's gonna make them go blind, but they've agreed to watch until they need glasses.

''{Dalton and Mike enter the lodge carrying luggage racks, backpacks, a portable refrigerator and other camping supplies. They are exhausted from the weight of each object.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Where do you want all this stuff?

RED GREEN: What is it?

DALTON HUMPHREY: It's all the stuff we need for the lunar eclipse. It's got food, beverages, blankets, pillows and change underwear.

RED GREEN: It's not that scary, Dalton. Like the eclipse will last about a minute and a half.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sounds like my love life.

RED GREEN: Including the 35-year wait. {points at Dalton and Mike's supplies} Just put that down wherever you want. {Mike looks around for a place to set down his supplies before doing so} Okay, that's good. And I'll tell ya, we can put that in the van when the time comes.

MIKE HAMAR: You know, I got a little surprise for everybody later on.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, does it involve the police?

MIKE HAMAR: {sternly} Why, what have you heard?

RED GREEN: Nothing.

MIKE HAMAR: Then no.

RED GREEN: All right, fine.

{Red, Mike and Dalton look at their watches.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, Winston said he's gonna bring a video camera to capture the lunar eclipse for posterity.

RED GREEN: Okay. {looks at his watch again} That'll be great, that'll be good, and according to that, you know the eclipse is about 10 after 12 and it happens... {looks at his watch once again} ...when did you guys wanna go up there?

MIKE HAMAR: I'd say by about 11 o'clock.

DALTON HUMPHREY: What about 10 o'clock? Might be heavy traffic.

RED GREEN: {looks at his watch once again} Yep, ya don't wanna get caught in Rock Reef Point rush hour, I'll tell ya.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looks at his watch again} What time should we go, huh?

RED GREEN: {looks at his watch once again} Well, 8:30, 9 o'clock I guess.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {excited} Let's go now!

''{Red and Dalton excitedly turn and run out of the lodge with some of the supplies. Mike turns and starts to follow them, but then notices that he has forgotten his supplies, so he stops.''

MIKE HAMAR: {shouting} Hey!

{Mike grabs his supplies and struggles to carry them as he walks back towards the lodge door.}

The Experts
{The camera zooms in on Dalton.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Welcome to that portion of the show {gestures toward audience} where we feature the three little words men find so hard to say:

''{Dalton is revealed to be sitting on a chair, with a table in front of it. Next to his chair, Red and Dwight are sitting on a car-themed couch.}''

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW! {headlights on car couch light up with each word}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {holds up letter} And, uh, this week's letter goes as follows: {reading} "Dear Experts, I hope you can help me with my sin." Oh, no, sorry, that says, {reading again} "help me with my son."

RED GREEN: Might be the same thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {continuing} "He doesn't do anything around the house, he's failing at school and he has the manners of a fig."

RED GREEN: It's probably "manners of a pig," Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, it says "fig." {continuing} "He has no sense of responsibility and no work ethic. My wife said it's just a phase he's going through, but I'm losing hope now that he's 37." Any suggestions? Boy, that sounds like the type of guy my daughter goes out with.

RED GREEN: Well, if he's got the manner of a fig, that could turn into a pretty heavy date.

{Dalton and Red chuckle.}

DWIGHT CARDIFF: This is nothing to joke about. Here, we got a guy who's 37 years old, and he's never worked a day in his life. You gotta respect that.

RED GREEN: Hey, hey, hey, this guy's a dud.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Think of the willpower to resist, uh, the pressure society puts on you to conform and get a job. You know how strong you have to be to sit at that dinner table with your parents for 37 years without buckling. That's not how I spell "dud," Red.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Let's not be too harsh now, maybe this guy's just a late bloomer.

RED GREEN: Oh no, he's not bloom and he's planted too deep.

DALTON HUMPHREY: I'm gonna have to agree on Red on this one. Ya know, I think you should get get a job and be as miserable as the rest of us.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: And make his parents watch him suffer? How could you do that to him?

RED GREEN: I'd get over it.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Look, we gotta have some kind of agreement here, we can't leave this viewer hanging.

RED GREEN: All right, uh, Dwight, what would you take for you to agree with me?

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Five bucks.

RED GREEN: Okay, done. There you go, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Thank you.

RED GREEN: You're welcome, now give him the five bucks.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {surprised} What?

{Dwight gestures towards Dalton, who proceeds to reach towards his left pocket to grab the money as Red turns and leaves the lodge.}