The Painted Leaves Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

And they were talking about

these new artificial

fireplace logs

with the green and blue flame

and how fantastic they are.

You see, to men,

being real is easy.

Looking real

is a lot more special.

It's not smart or correct,

but it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

on today's show,

dougie franklin's

gonna tell all you guys

how to avoid going to church

on Sunday.

Bill and I

are gonna play croquet.

Guess I win.

I'm gonna show you how to make

furniture out of leaves.

And, unfortunately, mike bought

a little too much lumber.

And now here's the man

who knows one end of the hammer

from the other,

though he's quite handy

with both, my uncle, red green!

Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Thank you very much.

Thank you and please

put your hands together,

preferably one

on each side of his head,

for my nephew, harold.

[ engine sputters ]

real colorful week

up at the lodge this week.

Junior singleton

had about 200 cans of paint

explode out of his paint shop.

It says right on the can

"do not store near heat."

you think he'd know better

than try and prop up his stove

with them.

Yeah,

but to be fair, harold,

junior's not a great lover

of literature.

The only thing he's read cover

to cover is a matchbook.

Well, I bet he does now,

'cause, boy,

when that shed blew -- whoa! --

There was paint everywhere.

Ha ha!

All over everything.

It looked like

one of those psychedelic posters

from the '60s.

Yeah, I thought somebody

had blown up the smurfs.

But I'll tell you --

did you see that pine tree

out in the lane there,

kind of a frosty pink?

Nice-looking, looked good.

There is a lovely turquoise oak

in the laneway.

That's my favorite.

Although, there is also

a flake metal cherry-red elm --

very nice, very nice.

Well, up at the lodge,

we like to turn adversity

into perversity.

So what we're gonna do now

is paint every tree

in the forest --

or I should say

at least the leaves,

and that way,

we'll get autumn coming earlier,

and all the tourists

will come up to our place first

to see the fall colors.

[ engine sputtering ]

tomorrow is the first day

of the end of your life.

[ squeaking ]

♪ oh, don't mind the flies,

just close your eyes ♪

♪ you'll be in and out

toot sweet ♪

♪ to find where stuff goes,

just follow your nose ♪

♪ there's a hole

at the end of the seat ♪

♪ no need to blush,

there's nothing to flush ♪

♪ the gravity

feeds straight to hell ♪

♪ but just be sure

to double-check the brochure ♪

♪ 'cause this is definitely not

a five-star hotel ♪

okay.

You've just dropped

the wife and the kids off

at Sunday school,

and the wife turns to you

and says,

"hey, why don't you come

into the church with us?"

and you're gonna have to

come up with an excuse.

Oof! Amen, amen.

And it's gonna have to be

a hummer,

one that works that also

doesn't offend your wife.

Oof! Tall order there.

Right on.

Now, here's one I use

all the time.

"no, honey.

"whenever the minister starts

to wax eloquent about sin,

"it just plants bad ideas

in my head

that weren't there

in the first place."

or you can threaten to sing.

That works around my house.

Yep. Or there's this.

This is great.

Just bamboozle them

with scriptures,

something to the effect of,

"honey, romans 8:4 --

"'yea, verily,

it came to pass

"'the women and children

sought refuge in the temple,

while the men went forth

to hose down their vehicles.'"

[ ducks quacking ]

you know,

no matter how much paint

we put on the leaves

around possum lodge,

they're all gonna

fall out of the trees anyway,

'cause that's all part

of mother nature's plan,

and we know how irritating

she can be.

So I thought I'd take

"handyman corner" here

and show you

how you can say "goodbye"

to that rotten pile

of moldy leaves

and "hello,

brand-new living-room couch."

all right, first thing I'm gonna

need is a couple of table --

where the heck did I --

darn leaves must have

got piled on here.

Hmm.

[ zip! ]

nope.

[ zip! ]

[ quack! ]

darn kids.

[ clanging ]

here we go.

There's one.

There we go. All right.

So you need a couple of these,

uh, vinyl tablecloths,

which you can pick up

at a church picnic

during the closing prayers while

everybody has their eyes shut.

Okay, and you put

one down on there

and you put the other one

and lie it right down on top.

That happens a lot at picnics.

And then you want to seal up

three of the sides.

You can use a glue gun for that

or a soldering iron

or you could crimp

eaves troughings along there.

But I prefer to use the

handyman's secret weapon...

Duct tape.

And you want to really

lay the duct tape on there,

because this couch

is gonna have to withstand

thousands of pounds of pressure,

especially during the playoffs.

All right, now,

all you got to do

is rake up your leaves

off your front lawn

and your back lawn and

start stuffing them in there.

Now, if you have a dog

or something,

you may want to

sift through the leaves,

uh, to avoid any surprises.

Or I suppose you could wear

a pair of gloves or something.

[ squish! ]

hope that was a pinecone.

And there we are --

a comfy leaf couch.

Couple little throw cushions

for accent pieces.

And, uh, how about a very

attractive leaf footstool?

Check out that one.

And the beauty of this is --

in five months, it'll be spring,

and all your furniture

will be full of compost.

So now you can start growing

real potatoes

instead of just couch ones.

So, enjoy your living-room set.

Remember -- if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Another bonus is -- when

you want to lie on the couch,

you can be a kid again

and jump in the leaves.

[ whoop! ]

stay tuned as bill and I have

a game of full-contact croquet.

And ranger gord tells us

everything he knows

about the forest.

It only takes a minute.

I want to talk to you

middle-aged guys

about job security.

I've had a few jobs myself

over the years,

and I know

the pink-slip warning signs.

Okay, first of all, you take a

day off work and nobody notices.

That's a bad sign, okay?

Or your boss keeps bringing

new employees into your office

and saying, "what about here?"

or you go on holidays

for a week,

and they replace you

with a 12-year-old kid

who doesn't speak english.

And then when you come back,

they have a going-away party

for him, and everybody cries

and the boss takes down

his home phone number.

Bad sign, bad.

So if this sounds familiar

to you,

luckily, there are

a few things you can do

to avoid the inevitable.

First one --

go out right now and

marry somebody who has a job.

Next thing you can do

is get on a first-name basis

with everybody down

at the unemployment office.

And the third one --

most important --

don't get down on yourself.

Try to look at the bright side

of being unemployed.

For one thing,

your time's your own, huh?

No traffic problems.

You wake up in the morning,

you're there.

I know, uh,

when I was out of work

from early June 1982

to late August...1989,

I never got down on myself.

I figured, "you know,

there's a lot of guys out there

"making a lot of money doing

something they hate -- work.

"whereas here am I making zip

doing something I love --

nothing."

so, remember,

I'm pulling for you,

'cause we're

all in this together.

Well, this idea

of painting all the leaves

to bring autumn here early

has gone over the dam

in a big way.

Everybody's

pretty darned excited

about having the seasons

changing that much sooner,

especially moose thompson now,

'cause his boss told him

he could have two weeks

off this fall,

and now he gets to take them

while he's still got

the good summer weather.

Old man sedgwick --

he likes the idea

'cause he says now

he can bring his dock in

while the water's still warm.

Wa-a-a-a!

Yeah, the only real downside

is that now we're hunting

when there's mosquitos

and black flies out.

So we're gonna delay the hunting

season closer to christmas,

which is gonna be in October,

and easter will fall

in December,

and then next summer's

gonna start in February,

which is gonna save everybody

a ton of money

in air-conditioning.

Uncle red,

I-I hope you're taking your time

and carefully choosing

these colors, you know?

I get nervous

when people in plaid

start choosing

color coordinates.

Well, we don't want to

take a lot of time choosing,

so we're not asking

the women to help.

Now, we were gonna go

with the glossy,

but that takes two coats,

so we're gonna go

with the satin finish on that.

And with the saplings, we're

gonna go with the mulberry,

and then every alternate leaf,

we'll have kind of

the beigey-brown-yellowy

kind of a putrid kind of

a look here mixed in,

possibly with a burgundy

and the lime green.

Uncle red, you think this idea

of yours is gonna work?

Don't you think

that people are gonna know

the trees are just painted?

You ever seen the people

that come up

and look at the fall colors,

harold?

Huh?

These are senior citizens.

The average age

is deceased, harold.

They're about 4 feet tall.

They're sitting there

in the bus.

They can hardly see over

the edge of the window there.

They got the bifocals happening,

tinted glass windows,

and the forest is going by

at 100 clicks an hour.

Uncle red, I don't think

you should talk like that.

Your father

will probably be

a passenger

on one of those busses.

No way.

He'll be driving.

Red: We're up here at

fire tower 13 with ranger gord,

a man who has spent

the last 16 years

day and night

up in that tower,

not able to have a wife,

not able to have a family.

I guess you could say, in a way,

he is wedded to the forest.

That's true, red.

In fact, we made it official

last week.

Had a little ceremony

and everything.

How do you mean, gord?

I got married

to the forest.

Made it official.

I mean, after 16 years

of not being married,

you know,

it wasn't fair.

Yeah, I, uh, ordered a ring

and everything.

Cost me two months' salary.

I think he means

two months' sanity.

Anyway, we're all

painting leaves, as you know,

so I thought

I'd get ranger gord

to teach us

all about leaves this week.

Yeah, I mean, I wanted to talk

about how bears mate,

but apparently red didn't think

that would be a good idea.

No, it's not a good idea.

We're gonna

talk about leaves, gord.

I'm not sure what I'm gonna do

with all the bear costumes.

We're gonna talk

about the leaves.

All right,

so here are some leaves.

Uh, here is an oak leaf...

Yep.

...A maple leaf,

and, of course, a birch leaf.

Now, what sort of differences

do you notice,

mr. No-bear-mating green?

Well, the oak leaf

is certainly rounder.

And, uh, the maple leaf's

got all the points going there.

And then the birch is smaller

with a serrated edge on it.

Sure.

Yeah.

What else?

Hmm?

What about

their moods?

Their moods?

Yeah.

See, the oak leaf is happy,

happy and contented, see?

And the maple leaf is angry,

upset about something.

[ growls ]

and the birch leaf is tense,

holding it all in.

Yeah.

But I married her

for better or worse.

[ laughs ]

all right, gord,

well, you know,

thank you so much,

appreciate it.

But the guys are painting,

and I really should go

help them, you know?

Okay, and make sure you use

a latex paint,

because some

of the oil-based paints

have fumes

that could damage the brain.

No kidding?

It's mail call.

Harold: [ laughs ]

okay,

bob from caledonia writes,

"how can you figure out

whether a woman finds

you handsome or just handy?"

that's a good question,

'cause there's nothing worse

than thinking she said,

you know, "come on up

for a nice light dinner,"

and what

she actually said was,

"come on up

and fix my light dimmer."

whole family stands around

and watches you

almost electrocute yourself.

Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah!

Well, that would explain

a few things, harold.

Uh, bob,

I would say it's this way.

If a woman invites you up

for a nightcap,

that means

she finds you handsome.

Whereas if she invites you up

to bait her mousetraps,

well,

she finds you handy.

If she invites you up

to show you her new bedroom,

you're handsome.

Whereas if she invites you up

for an estimate

to fix her new bathroom,

well, you'd be handy.

If she says,

"coffee, tea, or me,"

she finds you handsome.

If she says, "latex,

oil, or semi-gloss,"

you're handy.

But if you can find a woman

who says "I do," you're in luck,

'cause that means she finds you

handsome and handy.

Ha ha.

That's for sure. "I do."

[ laughs ]

oh, that's

the one right there -- "I do."

[ laughs ]

I do what?

You don't, harold.

Not yet.

Not ever.

Okay.

Well, bill had called me

out to the field

out behind the lodge there

'cause he had set up

a croquet set,

and, uh, apparently

he had set up an unusual...

I don't remember seeing that

many sticks on there before.

Anyway, I took a shot.

I always loved croquet.

Yeah, there we go.

Perfect.

That's the way you do it, bill.

Yeah.

You know that croquet -- I think

of it as kind of an english --

the royal family thing.

Oh, I guess "croquet" is,

uh, kind of a french word,

and, uh...

There's a little body english

from bill there.

You got to hit the ball.

I think it's part of the game

there, bill.

Aah! Ugh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Aha!

No. No, no, no.

No, no, that's --

no, that's --

no, you're supposed to be

going through --

you got to go through the hoops

in a cer--

but, uh, I think

it was probably a game

that, uh, probably dates back

to the time when -- no, no.

...Dates back to the time -- no.

...When people -- no.

Later that week...

...Probably dates back

to the time

when I guess people

had a lot more time.

Aah!

Bill, this is not -- nice, easy.

Oh, oh, oh.

I think that's a different game.

[ buzz! ]

what's that?

Oh, it's one

of those radio-controlled, uh --

it's a radio-controlled car.

That's harold's

radio-controlled car there.

What's going on?

Drilling a hole.

What's -- he trying

to lighten the ball?

Took the radio-control unit

out of the -- what?

Oh, that's

from the unplugged album.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Oh, he's got

a radio-controlled croquet ball.

Look at that thing.

Look at that. Look at that.

Through there. Oh, look at him

rack up the points.

Well, I'm thinking to myself,

"hey, you got

a radio-controlled car.

Why can't I have

a radio-controlled plane?"

[ boing! Boing! ]

[ chuckles ]

boy, I love a challenge.

Watch this, bill.

How about that, huh?

Watch this.

"star trek."

I got mine drifting through,

floating in, touching the post.

Boink. There we go.

On to the next hoop.

Oh, fantastic.

There goes bill there.

I'm right behind him.

I'm right behind him.

I'm gonna win. I'm gonna win.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh!

Ah! I got to get him!

Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him! Get him! Get him!

Out of my house! Oh! Oh.

Ah!

Oh, man.

Now, remember this, kids.

Don't be a sore winner.

It can cause you problems.

[ plonk! ]

oh!

See what I mean?

Do your bragging

when no one can see you.

Stay tuned. Buzz sherwood

has a whole new personality.

And harold and I

have a whole new wardrobe.

Well, I'll tell you, sir,

we have new respect

for mother nature

and how she can whip up

those colors in the forest.

I'll tell you that.

You know what I-I think

is holding us up,

is taking the time

to take those newspapers

and wrap them

around the trunks of the trees.

No, harold, it's wrestling

the darn scaffolding

through the forest.

You know, you're either

shoring up one end

or the other to the ground.

I'll tell you

something else --

putting a primer coat on those

birch trees is a waste of time.

Oh, hey, hey, uncle red!

Here's an idea.

How about getting buzz

to drop a bunch of pails

of paint from his plane?

Oh, yeah, he can cover

more acreage

in a couple flybys

than you can in a week.

Wa-a-a!

Harold, you should

circle this date.

You're gonna want

to remember it.

Why?

Because right now,

and until we try this idea,

you are a genius.

Wa-a-a!

[ engine sputters ]

up in the north,

many people have come to rely

on the bush pilot.

In our area, many people have

come to blame the bush pilot.

That's because

it's buzz sherwood.

Hey, buzz.

Buzz?

Red green,

my good friend!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How are you?

No, don't hurt me.

Don't hurt me. Don't hurt --

I'm so glad you're here.

And harold. How are

my fellow travelers today?

Well, we're -- we're fine.

Good, good, good.

What are you

doing here, buzz?

Well, I'm assessing

the condition of my aircraft

and its maintenance level,

and I fear it is

unflightworthy and dangerous.

Are you feeling okay?

Red, I've never felt better.

I've met a woman.

Oh, man.

She belongs

to a very special church.

We talked --

well, we didn't talk

so much as --

as we shared an experience,

and I have decided

to embrace their ways.

[ gasps ]

I'm so glad I did.

She's taught me

how to tame the beast within.

Well, she's not here

right now,

so maybe you could let the beast

out the one more time.

I need a bit of a favor.

Yeah.

Can you fly for me, buzz?

Oh, no more flying, red.

Only my spirit flies now.

Would you be interested in

buying some of my possessions?

All monies raised

go to the greater oneness.

Well, I don't think your clothes

would fit me.

I'm kind of a greater oneness

myself.

My albums.

You'd enjoy some of my albums.

No, they wouldn't

fit me, either.

Never been

a big moby grape fan.

Ah, moby grape.

The old buzz.

Yeah.

Now the new buzz has focus.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.

I-I have to close the circle

within now

and become as one with it.

Well, it's too bad, buzz,

you know?

I mean, I-I-I certainly

respect your decision,

but, you know, I -- what I was

planning on getting you to do

is to get up

in the plane there

and, uh, take some buckets

of paint and open the doors --

well, that won't

be necessary --

and just take the lids off

and throw the paint out there

and they'd catch in the wind

and fall down

and paint all the leaves

on all the trees

in the forest, you know?

And the colors that we picked

the old buzz would have liked.

They would have been,

uh, purple and yellow

and, uh, kind of

an orangey-rusty magenta.

Psychedelic?!

Yeah!

Far out!

Yeah!

This is great! I'm freaky!

I'm in! I'm in!

All right!

That sounds

like a great idea!

All right!

That oneness thing

we'll leave till later.

Oh, yeah, sure.

This thing, we can --

we can do this another day.

All right.

This painting a forest

sounds way better!

All right, all right.

Yeah!

Great! I'm in!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Didn't you say

the plane was unsafe?

Oh, yeah, but it's okay,

'cause I'm at one with it.

[ both laugh ]

well, I'm not.

We're back here again

at our dream-home,

uh, renovation project,

and unfortunately, we have run

into one of the snags

that a lot of renovations

run into.

Yeah.

I'm really sorry, mr. Green.

I'm really, really sorry.

Yeah. All right.

A lot of you

probably remember mike.

Mike, of course --

it's no secret,

especially in this neighborhood,

mike is a convicted felon

out on parole.

I get that right, mike?

That's right, mr. Green.

Yeah, and, mike, uh, now that

you're out and unsupervised,

tell the people at home --

what is the one thing

that keeps you

on the straight and narrow?

Oh, urinalysis.

All right, okay. As I say --

all right, all right.

As I say, we got into a bit

of a problem here.

Mike went

a little overboard

and he went out

and bought way too much

of the paneling

and the 2x4s

for our, uh, rec-room

renovation there.

Way -- way, way too much.

I'm really sorry,

mr. Green.

Well, uh, you know,

it's always a good thing

to have a little extra,

you know,

'cause you got to allow

for breakage and mistakes

and the occasional

house fire.

Now, rather than

take these 2x4s

and burn them in a barrel

over on a picket line somewhere

or take the paneling and shred

her down through an arborator,

what I'm gonna do is

I'm gonna take these 2x4s

and this extra paneling

and show you

how to make something

a lot nicer

than a crappy rec room.

Really so sorry, mr. Green.

[ hammering ]

I'm sorry, mr. Green.

Yeah. Okay, mike.

Well, you know,

a lot of people say

they'd like to have

the cedar shakes on their house,

but they're just not prepared

to go the big dollar.

Well, I bet everybody has

enough money for panel shakes.

They look nice, mr. Green.

Yeah, and correct me

if I'm wrong,

but to me, nothing says money

and taste like an awning.

Magnificent.

Yeah, now,

if you have a dream home

that happens

to have a fireplace in it,

for sure, for darn sure,

you're gonna want to have one

of these babies right here.

Well, I don't have a house

or even a fireplace,

but I want one

of these already.

What is it?

Well, mike, this is a chute

for firewood.

Kind of a time-saving

shortcut device

that allows you to put the wood

right down into the basement.

Right. Like this?

[ glass shatters ]

well, you'd -- you'd probably

want to make sure

that the window was open

before you did that, you know.

So sorry about this.

All right.

Well, there you have it,

huh?

We had a frown,

we turned it upside down,

and now...

...We're sitting pretty.

[ chuckles ]

yeah, wish they'd taught me

something like this in prison.

Oh, sure, mike.

I guess this must be a bit

of a life lesson for you, huh?

Wow.

Huh?

You made a big mistake,

but, uh, we worked it out,

and nobody had

to go back to prison.

Guess now would be

a good time

to tell you

about the 10 extra bathtubs.

[ creak! ]

I'll tell you, there is nothing

more frustrating

than to see a good idea

go right down the drain.

Literally, figuratively,

and really.

Buzz did a good job.

He flew over

in the plane there,

dropped a great big hunk

of blue paint.

That come down, mixed with

the purple he'd already dropped,

and that kind of blended in

with the dusty salmon,

and by the time he was done,

the whole area around

possum lake looked unbelievable,

like one of them carnivals

from rio de January.

You know, but we should mention

at this time

that we used

a water-based paint.

That way, none of the wildlife

would get hurt.

Yeah, right, water-based paint.

Isn't that great stuff?

Until it rains!

Well, I think

you were asking for it.

I mean, that's why the storm

was so big, you know.

You can't go around playing

tricks on mother nature.

Wa-a-a!

Really, harold?

I think your parents did.

So, our whole kaleidoscope

of paint

washed off all the leaves

down into the rivers,

and all ended up

down in possum lake.

So now the forest

is back green as usual,

and possum lake

is the color of dirt.

As usual.

Wa-a-a!

[ screeching ]

oh, meeting time,

uncle red.

Yeah, you go ahead.

I'll be down

in a little while, harold.

Okay.

Well, there's a lesson

for all you guys out there.

Be it mother nature

or any woman, for that matter,

don't try to improve

on a woman's handiwork.

You'll just get dumped on.

And if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

If you're still looking

for a color for the living room,

I have a sierra gold

going down my leg

which might be just perfect.

And to the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching,

and until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

out here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise!

All rise!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

That's good. Good.

The thing -- last night,

this meteor went flying

through the sky...

Red: If you'd like to become

a member of possum lodge

and you got 3 bucks to blow,

you can either mail it to

the address here on the screen

or dial 1-800-ypossum.