DNA All The Way/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Here's a tip that'll save you

a lot of time and energy

come lawn-cutting day --

or lawn-cutting week or

lawn-cutting month,

whatever your schedule is...

Instead of trying to pull

start your old lawn mower

and end up separating your

shoulder and most of

your will to live,

get yourself a household fan;

take the grill off of one side

and bend the blades up through

at a 45-degree angle.

Or a 47-degree angle,

or any angle, really.

Now you just throw your old,

worn out, hard-to-start

lawn mower on top,

and your days of pull

starting are over.

[ fan blades whirring ]

[ lawn mower starts ]

[ applause ]

[ cheering and applause ]

oh, yeah. All right.

Okay. All right.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate that.

Big surprise up at the

lodge this week.

Shaky farnsworth --

kind of an old --

he's an old town drunk,

really, is what he is.

He passed away.

That's not the

surprise, though.

Turns out the guy's

worth a fortune.

Nobody knew.

Apparently for

the last 60 years,

shaky has been making donations

to the sperm bank

for the cash.

I mean, it seems like an odd

way to make your fortune,

but I guess when you find

something you're good at...

Red! Red! Red!

You won't

believe it!

What?

The farnsworth estate.

I'm inheriting a piece of

yeah, that's right.

He has no direct relatives,

but the sperm bank says

he could be potentially

related to hundreds of

people around here.

Oh, yeah, well,

okay, but they're

all different mothers,

so how do you

prove anything?

Because they have a dna clinic

down at the lawyer's office.

They've got a chart of

shaky's dna pattern,

and I compared mine to it,

and it is identical!

Gosh, so you're saying your

father is not actually

your father?

Well, that's not

necessarily a

bad thing.

Well, how much of the cash

do you think you're going

to get, dalton?

Well, it depends on how

many people match up.

It could be hundreds,

you know.

You should go down there

and get tested yourself.

Now, why would

I do that?

My mother never went

out with shaky.

Yeah, you see, using a sperm

donor to be artificially

inseminated

isn't technically a date.

[ laughter ]

besides, you've got

nothing to lose.

I mean, there's a million

bucks up for grabs.

Let's go!

Well, all right.

What do I have to do?

You just have to

give a few drops

of blood.

No! No! No!

Come on.

It'll be fun.

It'll be fun.

[ applause ]

hi, winston rothschild here

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

If it's humming

through the hoses,

you're coming up pure roses.

If it's squirtin'

through the plaster,

you're flirtin'

with disaster.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

and today's prize is a

bottle of dr shott's

corn remover

and oven cleaner.

Okay, red,

you have got 30 seconds

to get mike to say

this word...

Yeah, all right,

dalton.

And go!

Okay, mike, what

is nature's most

perfect food?

A toasted western.

Um, all right,

think of an expression...

Don't cry over spilled...

Beans.

Okay, mike, homo...

[ laughter and applause ]

okay, never mind.

Never mind.

Think bedtime --

different subject.

Think bedtime.

What do you associate

with cookies?

Tossing 'em.

I know. I know.

What do you get from a cow?

Attitude.

Time's almost up, red.

All right, mike, what did your

mother give you to drink when

you were a little kid?

How little?

10 years old.

Well, at that age,

all she would give

me was a light beer.

Unless she was mad at me,

like when I discovered

her with the milkman.

There we go!

[ applause ]

hi, winston rothschild here.

I offer the best sewage and

septic sucking service

in the possum lake area.

But, hey, don't take

my word for it.

( staccato ) I would

not trust anyone

but winston with my sewage and

septic sucking service --

needs.

Winston's a real honest guy.

He'd never rip you off and

charge you for work

he didn't do.

He's weird like that.

So call now.

Any service over $100 will

receive a free roll

of my fashionable

bathroom tissue,

with my face on every square.

So next time you have

plumbing problems,

I'm easy to reach.

Here's looking at you.

[ applause ]

welcome to

'talking animals'

with local animal control

officer ed frid.

Ed has brought in kind of

an unusual animal today,

a tasmanian devil.

Come on up here.

No, no, come on.

It's fine.

Okay, okay, okay.

Um, yes, the tasmanian devil.

It's an exotic

kind of animal.

Um, it, uh, it spins around

wildly when disturbed.

And, uh, it's

a cute animal.

But it would just as soon

rip your skull off

as look at you.

Now, I understand they eat

fruit, don't they, ed?

When they're in a good

mood they eat fruit, yes.

When they're in a bad mood,

they eat whatever made

them that way.

All right, I've got

an apple here.

Why don't we give

him a treat?

Whoa! Whoa, red,

they don't like

yellow apples.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Geez, he's got

a pretty good arm.

Yeah, they're

all muscle.

This one's been scouted

by the blue jays.

Well, here, let's give

him a red one.

Maybe I'll just toss

this one in, eh?

Oh. Oh. Oh.

[ glass breaking ]

they don't like it when

you throw it to

them, red.

Well, he's gonna fit

right in with the jays.

Maybe you should

feed him one, ed.

You feed him one.

Yeah -- uh, what?

You seem to know

everything about them.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Okay, here I come.

Give him an apple.

Easy. Easy.

Here it comes.

Oh, it's fine.

No, I think he's okay.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

He's okay.

Yeah, he's okay.

[ tasmanian devil belches ]

oh, man.

Well, he seems to have

settled down a little, eh?

Yeah, I think

he's fine now.

Ahhh!

[ laughter ]

I hope that's

apple juice.

Every once in awhile it's good

to get off the beaten path.

Get out to the woods

to be by yourself

away from all the

stupid questions,

like from that guy from

the department of

highways yelling,

"hey, were do you think you're

going with that fence?"

so today on handyman corner,

I'm gonna turn this car into

an off-road bush buggy.

First thing we gotta do is

take off these sissy

street tires

and replace them with

these knobby bad boys.

[ cracking sound ]

now, for some people, putting

tires on like that

would be enough,

but some people aren't me.

Suits me fine;

suits them even better.

So instead, I'm gonna cut up

the chain link fence

and mount her on there like

a big tank tread.

I've got these heavy

duty tin snips.

Cut through this

stuff like butter.

[ grunting ]

frozen butter with

a titanium coating.

You know, we get the odd

comment about the lack

of safety on our show,

so I'm going to add a

little safety feature

right at this point

as my way of

pretending to care.

Sometimes when you're

bushwhacking, you'll

get projectiles

coming through

the windshield...

Rocks, trees, wildlife,

that kind of thing.

So what I'm going to do is

I'm going to wear this dog

kennel as a safety cage

while I'm driving.

It won't be the first time

I've been in the dog house.

Hold on, I got an idea.

All right. All right.

Now, I'm just gonna add a

little technology to the unit.

Something that will allow us

to pinpoint our location.

It'll be real helpful when

we're calling for the

rescue vehicles.

I'm gonna take this

large fire hose wheel

and I'm gonna mount that

on the roof of the car.

I actually swiped this

from the fire department,

but I don't think

they'll mind.

It's rainy season.

Plus, I left them the hose.

I don't need the hose.

Once I get this up there,

I'm gonna attach a whole

bunch of garden hoses

mounted end to end.

All right, I probably got

a couple dozen garden

hoses on there.

You could go with

three or four hun dred,

if you wanted to.

I just swiped these

from the neighbours,

but I don't think

they'll mind.

Like I say,

it's rainy season.

Just make sure you

only use 50-footers.

And you take a

big marker like this

and you number every one

of the connections.

Then as you're driving,

you just let her unwind,

and you'll always know

exactly where you are

within 50 feet.

I call it my g.P.S.,

garden positioning system.

( chuckling )

now we're just about ready

to go where no man has

gone before.

But let me show you something

that's really gonna clear

a path for me.

I've attached a chain saw

to one side of the car,

and I took a bunch of chains

and put them end to end

all the way through to that

clothesline pulley on

the other side.

I don't think that bernice will

mind that I stole here

clothesline,

'cause like I say --

well, you know.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

[ metal creaking,

chain saw whirring ]

[ applause ]

I wanna talk to you

middle-aged guys out there.

You know, by the time

you get to our age,

you've pretty much seen it,

done it, found it,

lost it, wrecked it,

fixed it, kissed it,

missed it,

bought it, shot it,

stopped it and dropped it.

At this point you're thinking,

"is that all there is?"

the smart answer is yes.

Because if you try to

make your life better now,

you're risking a

head-on collision

with the law

of diminishing returns.

This law says that for things

to be better the second

time around,

you gotta work way harder

than you did the first time.

Does that make sense to you,

for a man in your physical

and mental condition,

to have to work 10 times

harder to make your

life 5% better?

Of course not.

Don't rock the boat.

Maybe you got

a 40-year mortgage

and a 30-year marriage,

and you're barely meeting your

obligations on each of them.

Maybe you've got a car that's

as old as your adult son,

but at least it works.

Hey, maybe you'll

never be president,

but on the bright side,

you'll never be president.

So don't mess with the law

of diminishing returns.

The divorce courts and the

cardiac care units

are full of guys just

like you and me,

except they fought the

law and the law won.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

well, I had the

dna test done.

That was no fun.

This nurse comes at me with

a needle the size of a

caulking gun.

I tried to get out of there,

but she chased after me.

She wrestled me to the ground;

she puts me in a half-nelson.

She didn't look that strong,

but a lot of those

seniors are wiry.

What?

Hey, red!

Good news, your dna

was a match.

You're in the

money too!

Well, how does this --

let me see yours again.

These are kinda similar.

Oh, my gosh.

Similar?

They're exactly

the same, dalton!

That means you

and I must be --

identical twins!

Hey, guys!

I'm a farnsworth.

Oh, no.

Wait a second.

This has gotten

way outta hand.

If everyone in

the possum lake

area has the same dna,

and we've all been

marrying each other --

actually, that

explains a lot.

You know, I don't care,

as long as I get my

chunk of the million.

Oh, well,

some chunk.

We're each gonna

get 10 bucks,

and the dna

test cost 15.

Yeah, well, I'll get more

because I have two shares.

Mike, getting tested

twice doesn't count.

I didn't.

This is my dog's chart.

[ red muttering ]

hi, winston rothschild here

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

When the affair is over

the last thing you want

is a lingering good-bye.

You're out in

your backyard, right,

repairing your fence.

And those cute little

jones kids from next door

gather around

to have a look.

It's pretty well right out

of a norman rockwell

painting.

Yeah, or at least it was,

until you hammered

your thumb about an

inch into that fence post.

And that's when

you treated those cute

little pre-school jones kids

to the rich tapestry and

diversity that is the

english language.

Yes, and your pithy

references to acts that

are anatomically impossible

and illegal everywhere

except california.

Yeah, those little

jones kids were pretty

impressed all right.

Maybe even impressed

enough to try out some

of those words

back at the jones' home.

And that's gonna lead

to a visit from their father,

the reverend jones.

He is going to ask some

very difficult questions.

But don't worry.

Here's the plan.

You go down to the playground

where the jones kids and

their friends hang out.

And you take a

tape recorder, right.

Then you hide behind a tree

and record what the kids

say to each other

when there's

no adults around.

You will capture phrases

that would blanche

a kumquat.

And when the reverend comes

by to confront you with

the gutter language

that his little angels have

learned from you --

yeah!

The tape.

You play him

he'll recognize

the voices.

Oh, yeah, he'll hear

the call all right.

Perhaps those little jones

boys will be confined to

home for a few days.

Yeah, and then you can get

back to slamming your fingers

and exploring

the dictionary.

But don't thank us.

That's what

friends are for!

[ applause ]

red: Young walter and mike

had asked me come --

they're gonna

have a contest

to see who is the

world's strongest man.

Just against the two of them,

but I had a plaque made up.

Looks pretty good.

And they're filling the oil

drums with water there.

And they gotta hold them

up over there head.

Whoever can hold it

up the longest wins.

It's a two-parter.

This is the first part.

There's a second part.

I figure these things

weigh about 500 pounds.

And, like, walter's

in pretty good shape,

mike is --

he's just there, basically.

His ring can slip off

his finger either way.

Up they go,

and look at this.

I couldn't believe it.

Couldn't believe my eyes.

And then he

starts showing off.

Oh, my gosh.

Must be a lot of --

[ walter groaning ]

no problem.

So mike --

I don't know how he did it.

Oh, yes, I do.

Now, the second part.

The big killer.

And mike is actually putting

some extra bar on his,

but they gotta pull

the cars by hand.

He put the second bar on

there, just adds weight.

Kind of stupid.

One, two, three

and away you go.

Away they go,

and walter's off.

Mike's not moving an inch.

Oh, I see.

I got it, yeah.

I see.

All right.

Oh, okay.

Now he's got a problem.

But look,

he's got more rope!

And he's the winner --

[ crash ]

but I thought I needed to

alter the plaque a

little bit

and change the

"o" to an "a"

because that's the world's

strangest man right there.

Remember when

you were a kid

and you used to go

everywhere on your bike?

Now maybe as an adult you'd

like to do the same thing.

Save a few dollars,

or maybe your license

has been suspended.

The problem is that you're not

as suited to bike riding

as you used to be.

After 20 years of marriage,

you've lost a lot of balance.

And now maybe your

posterior has exceeded

the design limitations

of the bicycle seat.

[ pop ]

it's a boy.

I know I could go on a diet

and start working out

and whatever.

I prefer it when

reality adapts to me

rather than the

other way around.

So get yourself a couple of

bikes, a few hockey sticks

and a park bench

and do a little customizing.

[ ringing bicycle bell ]

[ applause ]

we now come to that

portion of the show

where we address those three

little words that men find

so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

And, uh, today's

letter reads...

"dear experts, I am in my

second year of high school

"and will probably be

graduating in a decade or so.

"I was wondering if you have

any suggestions

"as to what line of work

I should get into.

"signed, no big rush."

okay, well, I would recommend

that you run a lodge up north.

Nobody puts any

expectations on you,

and you sure can't

beat the dress code.

Can you make a

living at that?

Oh, yeah, as long as

your wife has a good job.

See, I've been in the

funeral business for

the last 15 years,

and it's a hoot.

And good coin too,

not just in the pockets.

Well, you know, it's not

just about money, you know.

I think that it's

important that you

do something you enjoy.

Oh, so petty theft was a

career choice for you, was it?

Oh, I'm not recommending

it as a lifestyle.

That was one of the

conditions of my parole.

Crime doesn't pay,

right, mike?

Well, it does,

but it's not steady.

Okay, well, I recommend that

this guy gets himself into

one of the

growth industries.

That's what I liked

about the lodge

because we get more

customers every year.

Well, so do we.

Yeah, but not really

repeat customers,

except for

shirley maclaine.

Well, how's your

balance sheet look?

Oh, we're doing

pretty good.

Well, we have an operating

capital that's completely

self-financed.

We have an overall year

over year increase

in net income,

17% after taxes.

And our capital investment has

increased the equity quotient

of our portfolio holders

up to 23% a share.

We're doing pretty good.

Well, like I say, all I have

to do is look at,

say, the retirement rate,

and I know all those people

are gonna come up to the lodge

for a couple of weeks,

you know, this summer.

Well, all I do is check

the birthrate about

75 years ago.

Let's me know what kind

of year I'm gonna have.

Well, maybe this kid should

combine the two businesses.

Have a combination lodge

and funeral home.

And then you get people

coming and going.

Well, the mystery

has been solved.

Shaky farnsworth is

not the founding father

we were afraid

he might be.

There was a problem

with the dna testing.

Not really the testing.

It was the containers

that had the problem.

Somebody stole all

the test tubes,

which was just

a senseless theft.

They're almost

impossible to fence.

[ laughter ]

so instead of

test tubes,

they used lids off

of mason jars

from the big-boy

pickle factory.

And I'm talking the extra

spicy with mega-crunch.

So the deal is that what

we ended up testing

was the chemical

evaluation of pickle juice.

And that's why all the

tests came out the same.

And the fact that shaky was

always pickled himself.

But the good news is

that we got ourselves

all re-tested.

And we are, in fact,

different people.

[ applause ]

[ possum squealing ]

yeah, you guys go ahead.

Meeting time.

Okay.

I'll be right down.

Um, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And I learned today that if

you go fathering children

all over town,

you're gonna end

up in a pickle,

and I'm talking the

extra spicy with mega-crunch.

And the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and whole

gang at possum lodge,

you keep your

stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

everybody sit down.

Sit, sit, sit.

Sit down. Sit down.

Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

All: I'm a man,

but I can change,

if have to, I guess.

Red: All right, men, we've all

had the dna testing done now,

and I would just like to say

that anyone who can prove

that they're

not related to me,

is welcome at

my house any time.

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