No Church/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Here's the man who wears

his heart on his sleeve

next to his ketchup

and gravy stains,

your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

woo, woo,

woo!

Boy, harold, huh?

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Today I'm going to do

something I really enjoy.

Fishing,

uncle red?

No, I'm going to ross perot's

for a fondue party.

Of course I'm going fishing --

tried to go last Sunday.

There's so many fishermen,

I had to jump up and down

in the boat

just to get her

to touch the water.

That's because reverend frank

closed the church

and left town.

If he ran out of sinners

he can come to the lodge.

No, he went looking for

a bigger church.

I guess he's paid

on commission.

Church is closed and there's

no more Sunday services.

No church on Sunday?

We've got to do something

about that.

What do you care? --

You never went.

No, it's not for me,

it's for the other people.

They gotta be in church

with the fishers of men

so I can be on the lake

with the fishers of trout.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the message being,

for gosh sakes,

don't even think about

changing the channel.

You wanna make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

I thought we'd place an ad

for a reverend.

The want ads

don't have a classification

for religious leaders.

Maybe under

"business personals".

Maybe under "sales"

or "delivery services".

Why are you dressed like that?

Are the village people

hiring

roadies?

No -- my boy scout troop

is meeting here tonight.

Boy scouts coming to

possum lodge?

Is there a badge for that,

like "indoor survival"?

No --

normally we meet at the church.

But ever since reverend frank

took off,

the church is closed.

Possum lodge is here.

The boy scouts are there.

I figured, you know, whaa ah.

You can't bring

boy scouts to the lodge

just because the reverend

got the flock out of here.

I don't think you want to get

the boy scouts upset.

They have sharp knives

and they know a lot of knots.

I've got to get that church

back open.

Maybe a school bus

will come to town,

one with the flower power

and peace signs

and catch fire and melt.

How would that help?

That's how we got

reverend frank.

(red): Later in the show,

bill and harold are going to

pitch a tent and go camping.

Ooo.

They say two heads

are better than one.

Not those heads, I would say.

This is a little bit

of a preview here.

Harold's got the tent pegs

in there.

I was smart enough to

stay away from this adventure.

What's bill-- oh yeah, ok.

Got the big hammer there.

Harold, what do you think?

You going to hold--

good idea?

You going to hold the pegs?

You're fine, oh, you're fine.

Gosh, come on,

come on, come on.

Part of the ritual

of being a man,

you gotta hold the pegs

for bill.

Watch out.

Oh, you're fine, you're good.

Uh-oh --

oh no, you're fine.

More of that later.

♪ oh, the grass

is wet this morning ♪

♪ it glitters in the sun ♪

♪ it soaks my shoes

and makes me muse ♪

♪ as to whence

the moisture comes ♪

♪ I checked through

all the plumbing ♪

♪ and for leaks

in the watering can ♪

♪ but this h2o

seems to flow from ♪

♪ the hole in the rad

in my van ♪

ok, this is for

some of buster hatfield's chili

and a new set of seat covers.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Humphries

to say this word.

"teenager."

oh ha!

And go!

Less than 20 years old.

Good as new.

No, I'm talking about a person

who's less than 20 years old.

Punk.

(laughing)

younger than 20,

older than 12.

Shop-lifter?

(laughing)

this is a general term --

like your daughter.

She's a...

Burden,

a terrible, terrible burden.

(laughing)

she was an infant,

then she became a toddler,

then an adolescent,

and now she's a...

Demon, satan spawn,

devil worshipping--

yes, I know she acts that way.

But that's because

she became this...

Fat.

We're almost out of time.

All right... Dalton,

to you

this person

gets away with murder.

O.J. Simpson!

O.J. Simpson!

Right?!

(laughing and applause)

yeah, o.J.

This week on "handyman corner"

we're gonna do something

to make you feel young again --

because it's dangerous.

I don't mean dangerous

to build.

I'm talking about

dangerous to use.

That's what gets

the juices going --

the adrenalin, the testosterone,

the hydrogen peroxide.

Most of you know

what these are.

With space-age plastic

and no-wax floors,

these units have become

a thing of the past.

You can get 'em real cheap

at a yard sale, even a dump.

You'll need two.

What are we gonna make?

How about

electric rollerblades?

You know young people

and the dumb things

they're doing?

We're one step ahead of them.

First, separate the head

of the unit from the handle.

Use one of

these lubricating sprays.

Very careful

where you put it.

Sometimes there's a hidden

nut or bolt in there.

This will dissolve the rust.

Loosen them to where

they'll come apart

that much easier.

There we go.

Remember a few winters ago

when you said "boy,

I need a winter activity"?

It was probably your wife

that said it, or your doctor.

So you got yourself

some cross-country skis.

Then you came to your senses

and bought a snowmobile.

Here's the good news.

You're going to be able to use

those cross-country skis,

'cause we want to take

the bindings off there

and the boots off there

and attach them to

our floor polishers.

Now, it's probably

a scandinavian bolt.

Could be any kind of thread.

All right, that's fine.

You don't have to feel bad

about doing that to the skis.

If you'd kept skiing,

you probably would have

done this yourself

and probably done

the same thing to your leg.

Tie that on to the top

of the floor polisher

using a bolt and a washer,

or, hey, whatever you like.

There we go.

Take a look at

how this works.

All right, see there?

See how it goes?

Oh!

Did you notice that the brushes

go in opposite directions?

That means the steering

and direction, it's sensitive.

If you wanna go backwards,

lean forward.

You wanna go left, lean right.

Go right, lean left.

Stand up, sit down,

fight, fight, fight.

If you wanna stop,

you would lean

all the way forward

into what I believe they call

a face plant.

We're all set.

Let's go rollerblading.

Oh.

You need a portable

source of electricity,

so I've gotten a bunch of

nine-volt batteries.

There isn't a walkman working

within 50 miles.

When you wire these up,

make sure you have

the same amount of electricity

going to each foot.

I'm ready to go.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

All right, there's a bit

of technique involved.

Guess I need

a little more polish.

(screaming)

ahhh!

Whatever this is,

we got lots more.

I want to talk to

you older guys

about diet and exercise,

'cause if you're like me,

you plan to start exercising

first thing tomorrow morning,

or next week or

the week after that,

but certainly by

the end of the summer.

Course, it's all talk

and no action.

Why is that? --

Because you got no motivation.

Some doctor studied guys

who have had heart attacks.

Usually, when a guy

has his first heart attack

he jumps up

and he starts exercising.

Unbelievable.

They get up there

and they get going.

There's no talk --

it's all action.

Why? -- He's motivated

at that point.

So don't beat yourself up

because you eat too much

or you smoke or drink

or whatever.

Once the old ticker

gives you the, you know,

or they find a lump,

or the doctor holds up

your x-ray and goes "uh-oh,"

then you'll have all

the motivation you need.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(applause)

I've already received

a couple of applications

for a new reverend

for possum lake.

This one's even got a picture.

"hi, I'm a sun worshipper.

"I believe that

god wants us all to be naked."

(audience laughing)

not you, he doesn't, sir.

Oh, sorry -- ma'am.

(laughing)

what's this one say?

"pope larry--"

(laughing)

(laughing and applause)

(cheering)

it's the high priest

of the incas.

No, it's me, harold.

No, we're having

our morris dance group

meeting here.

Oh, no, you're not.

Oh, yes, we are.

Not dressed like that --

there are laws.

Yes, there are laws,

and there's

a municipal by-law,

that leased you this land,

that stipulates you must

create space for the community.

Since when?

It's in the charter.

Nobody's ever come here before.

No kiddin'! If you had a choice

between the church and here,

where would you go?

Even the satanists

prefer the church.

Who else has dibs

on this place?

Anyone who used the church --

floor hockey league, bingo...

I gotta find

a reverend.

The a.A. Group,

the hymn and howl group,

all sorts of things.

We're gonna have the--

whoo!

What the heck

is this?

Man,

that's loud!

(laughing)

whoa!

(applause and cheering)

the irish dancers will be here.

We got also the...

There's gonna be

the wine and cheese club.

Ohhh!

(laughing and applause)

did I mention

the model airplane club?

No, you didn't!

The model airplane club.

Today we'll hear

from mr. Buzz sherwood.

Buzz?

(clearing throat)

uh, hey, my name's buzz.

(all): Hi, buzz.

And, uh...

I went two weeks

without acting like a guy.

All right!

But it's

hard, eh?

'cause, you know, it's,

you know, seat up before,

put the seat down

when you're done...

But, um...

Last Sunday I had a setback.

I was in the backyard, putting

this gas barbecue together.

Everything was goin' great

but I couldn't figure out

how to attach the burner

to the main unit,

and I just started acting

like a guy.

I said, "there must be

parts missing."

I got more tools

and I got duct tape

and I thought,

"I'll just jerry-rig this

and make it work!"

I thought, "I'll throw it

in the garbage

"and make one

with my bare hands!"

and then the woman

that loves me, she said...

She saved me

with three little words.

"read the instructions."

(audience laughing)

the instructions --

these are like

the extra cards you get

in a new deck.

You throw them out!

It's like the paper

you get in new jeans

that says "inspected

by number 47."

what was I talkin' about?

The instructions.

Oh, right, yeah,

the instructions!

So I read them, right?

And I was doing it wrong.

And then I realized...

This piece of paper

has... Made me realize

I was a failure, and then...

I thought, "no, man,

you're not a failure.

"you would have figured it out

eventually.

"you didn't need

the stupid instructions.

"you would have got it."

then I thought, "well,

reading instructions,

"you're not askin' for help.

"you're cheating."

(laughing)

so I'm not a loser!

I'm a cheater!

And I felt a lot better!

Ohhh!

(red): Back at the tent pegs,

we'll finish up

"adventures with bill".

They're workin' on...

(glass

breaking)

... Workin' on the windows

around the lodge.

It's a new kind of tent

they'll put up.

It's one that's got kind of...

Progress isn't always good.

I don't know

what they call 'em --

umbrella tent or something.

The frame's on the outside.

It's got a lot of spring to it.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Night fell.

Anyway, in they go.

It's one of the great things

about camping.

You don't want too big a tent

because part of the experience

is the bonding feeling you get

by being in a confined--

you don't need--

there are things you take

you really don't need.

The point being

that when you get

into them smaller tents,

maybe a one-man tent

with two men inside,

you don't need as many things

as you might think you do.

Boy, oh, boy -- you find that

you get into a thing where,

you know,

you talk about things

and just...

Oh, my gosh!

What the heck?

What have you got, boys?

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

It's a boy!

All right, then they can

just lay back.

And they can talk about things

and just have that camaraderie

that goes hand in hand

with camping.

(snoring)

now, this-- ok, all right, ok.

All right, harold,

there's a problem.

What you have is

what we like to call a snorer,

also known as "a fist magnet".

In this case, harold's gonna

shine a light in his eyes...

And boy, oh, boy.

One thing about bill, you know?

When he's asleep, he is asleep,

and when he's awake,

he's too much awake, too.

What he's gonna do now...

One thing they've thrown out

is the snorkel-and-mask set,

so he grabs the mask.

Putting that--

sometimes, apparently--

what's that there?

Oh, boy, that would be...

Sort of a mississauga rattler.

Anyway, if you interrupt

the breathing pattern...

There we go.

See, there's a problem--

(snoring)

oh, well, ok, all right.

Not perfect, not perfect.

Harold realizes

that he's got the snorkel.

Put the snorkel in the mouth.

He doesn't grab the snorkel --

he grabs

the assistant snorkel --

in this case, a snake.

Harold, that's a snake.

Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.

See you later, harold.

"the lamb shall lie down

with the lion

"and the bill shall lie down

with the rattler."

here's a love letter to harold

from a lady viewer.

Nice stationery.

We explore the three words

that men find so difficult

to say...

(audience):

"I don't know!"

so true.

Wah, wah!

Joining my uncle red

in the expert portion

is a brand-new person

in the area,

building a cottage here --

successful businessman

mr. Kevin black!

(applause and cheering)

yeah! Welcome.

All righty.

Yeah --

no, no.

I chose this letter

especially for you.

"dear experts, I'm an executive

in a metropolitan area.

"I'm thinking about buying

a cottage around possum lake.

"how could I make a purchase?"

hang on one second.

We should probably

take that to bed,

see how it creases the sheets,

ok, babe?

All right.

(laughing)

guys, right up front,

what I'd like to say is

I think a summer property

is a fantastic idea.

I love this area.

I'll get used to the people.

I recently purchased

1,000 acres of waterfront.

Yeah, kevin here bought

blood point.

It's called bluff point

on the real estate survey map.

The guy who did the map

never lived there.

How are the mosquitoes, kevin?

Oh, they're

fine, fine.

I'm told, of course,

they're not always this bad.

No, they're worse

in the spring.

(harold):

Don't you listen.

It's a beautiful spot.

Nice cottage you're buildin'

and everything.

Is that a swimming pool

you're puttin' in?

No, harold, it's not.

It's a tennis court.

I'm building it

in a stand of cedar trees.

That's a great idea.

You know what

you might want to do?

Just a suggestion, of course.

Put up a real fine mesh

on the fence,

or maybe a sign saying

"no mosquitoes".

(laughing)

that wouldn't work, would it?

(laughing)

I think mr. Black is saying,

"by all means,

come to possum lake

"and buy up the property.

"there's bargain prices

here for you."

let me give you a suggestion.

Don't buy vacant property.

The community's been here

150 years.

If land hasn't been built on,

there's usually a good reason.

(laughing)

here's what you do.

Find the oldest building

in the area,

'cause they had every location

to choose from.

That's the place

on the best spot.

Put an offer in on that one.

Surprisingly, that's

darned good information!

Yes, and you

know what?

I'm interested in this.

I have some investors.

We could have

a limited partnership.

What did you say

was the oldest

building?

Well, the lodge.

(laughing)

well.

(laughing and applause)

good news -- just got off

the phone with reverend frank.

I figured he had a problem

'cause he called collect.

He couldn't get another job.

The churches, they're cuttin'

back with financial things.

They figure it's cheaper

to let everybody go to hell.

Reverend frank is comin' back.

The church--

(barking

and screaming)

(laughing)

what the heck?

Man!

What happened?

Bad reviews?

It wasn't bad reviews!

We were in the basement,

rehearsing

our andrew lloyd webber

version of "cats".

Reow, reow!

Bunch of lodge members

thought it would be funny

to let their dogs

down in there.

They went wild, you know?

The way dogs do -- wild!

I know what

you're sayin'.

We can't do "cats" any more.

We'll have to do

"les miserables".

Well, everything you actors do

is pretty miserable.

(possum squeal)

there's the meeting, harold.

Change your clothes.

I'll be down soon.

You want to clean up your

kitty litter, harold?

Ahhh...

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home

after the meeting.

In keeping with

this religious theme,

if you're in the mood

to guide a lost soul to

a heavenly body, I'm your man.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of harold

and myself and the gang,

including rum-dum-tigger,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(harold): All rise.

(possum squeal)

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down.

Harold, start it off.

(harold): The person who stole

the duct tape from my bedroom,

please raise their hand.

The person who taped me

to the bed, raise their hand.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!