Red Green Does New Years/Transcript

New Year's Resolutions: Dwight Cardiff
''{Dwight sits in a reclining chair in a corner of the lodge. He holds a piece of paper.}''

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Red asked me to jot down a few of my New Year's resolutions and share 'em with ya. I'm gonna have to do some of these from memory; I wrote down a couple and I dropped the pen. {clears throat; glances at paper} On a personal side, I'm gonna focus more of my free time on art and literature. So I'm getting a satellite dish and some of those books-on-tape. {glances at paper again} I'm also planning to discontinue the service side of the marina. Dealing with people whose boats aren't working is just not an enjoyable way to make a living. A lot of them expect the boats to be fixed promptly and properly. They don't seem to realize it's my summer, too. So, starting this year, we're gonna specialize in sales only. If you want to buy a boat from me, it's cash up front and no test drives. We also don't honor any more factory warranties. They should build them better in the first place. {glances at paper again} And finally, I'm gonna try and cut down on my work hours. Last year, I tried that forty-hour thing, but that worked out to over three hours a month. {looks at his watch} Oh! It's nap time! {closes eyes and lies back in the chair, rocking}

New Year's Resolutions: Ed Frid
{Ed stands in the lodge basement behind a table, with a huge cotton patch over his right eye.}

ED FRID: Well then, I guess the time has come for me to make my New Year's resolution. I've decided to be a lot more specific this year. Usually, I promise myself something like, I'm going to lose weight or start my own business or have a conversation with my parents. But this year, I've decided to {makes pointing motion} zero right in on the problem. {raises his left hand} I solemnly swear {points toward audience} before all of these witnesses that for the next year and possibly longer, I will not eat peanut butter sandwiches. {shakes head} Period! Regardless of the circumstances, even in the case of an emergency. This is because peanut butter has a way of {pointing to his mouth} sticking to the roof of a person's mouth. That can be distracting and can also impede their ability to CALL FOR HELP. When they so desperately need it! {blinks his left eye repeatedly} Now, this may sound like an odd New Year's resolution to you, but you're not an animal control officer, are you? {shakes, then nods his head} No, you can probably spend most of your day sitting at your desk, drinking coffee or doing whatever was necessary to get the peanut butter off of the roof of your mouth! Well, whoopty-freakin'-doo! {nods; points to himself with thumb} I don't have that luxury! I don't work in an office! I work in the woods! I work in the woods with elk! Elk have horns! {gestures his hand at about the level of his eyes} Eye-level horns! {shifts his eye left and right repeatedly; suddenly calmer} So that is why I promise to never eat another peanut butter sandwich again. Ever. {salutes} Happy New Year. {walks to basement stairs and bumps into the railing before climbing}

Buddy System
{Dalton and Mike run down into the basement and walk up close to the camera.}

MIKE HAMAR: Your wife's all ready for New Year's! She's got her new dress, her new hairdo and her new queen-sized control-top pantyhose. {he and Dalton laugh}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Now you're about to break it to her...

MIKE HAMAR: You don't feel like going out this New Year's.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Now, for your own safety, try and let her down easy.

MIKE HAMAR: There's no point in pointing out what a good sport you were by going to all those Christmas parties with her. {shakes head}

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, especially when you got caught lying on the coats in the bedroom, reading fishing magazines.

MIKE HAMAR: It's gonna be pretty difficult to explain to her that you'd rather stay home with your favorite... funny... sports... bloopers videos.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You might wanna do a 180 on that.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, like changing your mind, sucking it up and going to the party after all.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah. Think about it this way: if she's having fun and you're not, you're still having way more fun than you would be if you're having fun and she's not.

MIKE HAMAR: {nods; holds up index finger} And just remember, New Year's Eve is just one cold night in January, but the garage is cold 24/7/365.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Think about it!

MIKE HAMAR: We know you'll do the right thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Or at least the safe thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY, MIKE HAMAR: {waving} Happy New Year!

{They turn and go back upstairs.}