X Marks The Spot

Red and his pals search for buried treasure in the middle of Possum Lake.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , ,

Segments: The Experts, Red's Campfire Songs, Handyman Corner, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Buddy System, Adventures With Bill, Red's Handyman Tips

Transcript
''{Text appears on screen: "Women better themselves. Men better their friends." A crowd is heard cheering as the sound of punching is heard, followed by the sound of somebody falling over.}''

The Experts
''{Harold, Red and Dalton Humphrey sit in the lodge around a table. Harold sits in a recliner while Red and Dalton sit in a two-person couch.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! And on this week's Expert portion of the show, we have experts, my Uncle Red and his good friend, Dalton Humphrey!

''{The audience and Harold applaud. Red and Dalton wave. Harold picks up an envelope and opens it. He takes out a folded letter and unfolds it.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, good! That's fine. 'Kay, first question goes as follows: {reads letter} "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Dalton} La-la-laa! All righty. {resumes reading} "–How old–" {stops suddenly} Whoa! Excellent one, okay! {resumes reading} "How old should a child be before you explain the facts of life to them?" {giggles; looks toward Red}

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, this really depends on the maturity of the child. Some of them are ready at thirteen, others aren't ready until... Well, how old are you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Nineteen.

RED GREEN: Until they're 21. But I'll tell ya, this is one job that no parent wants to do. I'm really glad I won't have to explain the facts of life any. {looks toward Dalton} Well, well, Dalton? {Dalton looks at Red} Uh, how old was your daughter when you told her about the birds and the bees?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, that's a wife's job, Red.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. A dad tells a son what he tells a daughter. Kind of the natural order of things, {Red nods} and, uh... Well, you're dad taught you, right?

RED GREEN: Well, no, he just, uh, gave me a book by Mickey Spillane called "Kiss Me Deadly", and, uh, he said, "This is what married people do." I thought he meant shoot each other and have car chases. That's pretty much what his relatives did, you know.

HAROLD GREEN: Mr. Humphrey, how old was your daughter Tabitha when your wife told her about the facts– {laughs} about the, uh– the– the– y'know, the– {flaps his arms; looks behind him} about it? When– How old– How old was she when she heard about it?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, she hasn't yet! Tabitha's only twenty. There's no rush.

RED GREEN: But she has a boyfriend, though, doesn't she, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Huh! So? You know what? It's puppy love, Red; totally innocent.

RED GREEN: {shrugs} All right.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know what? I don't think they even kiss yet. {giggles}

RED GREEN: I just thought, y'know, 'cause they moved in together, so...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, yeah, but that– that– that doesn't... mean anything. He sleeps on the couch. {Harold laughs; suddenly impatient} Her mother will talk to her when the time's right, all right?!

RED GREEN: Well, I hope she can get her attention in the delivery room.

Trivia

 * As mentioned by Steve Smith on Red Green: Duct Tape Virtuoso, in terms of the lawn roller that Red makes for his handyman project, he goes through several rolls of duct tape to attach the duct works together before finally settling on adhesive tape. According to Smith, they used a hundred episodes to set up one joke.

Real-World References

 * During the Experts scene, Red mentions that his father gave him the book "Kiss Me Deadly", written by Mickey Spillane.