Bob's Birthday/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold: And now it's time

for the show

that everybody's

talking about --

in no uncertain terms --

and some of them even favorable.

A show that lives in the heart

of the heartland,

where it lives the livers

by the bladders of the gall--

what am I saying?

Wa-a! I have no idea what!

I should write some of this down

before the show actually --

anyway, here's the star

of "the red green show,"

my uncle -- red green.

Uncle red green.

Thank you, harold.

Thank you and, uh,

welcome to possum lodge.

Uh, I should advise you.

Just take harold

with a grain of salt.

In fact, side by side,

you can't tell them apart.

Although, you know,

he is my nephew,

and blood is thicker than water,

although nothing

is quite as thick as harold.

Well, I think

maybe the audience

can easily identify

intelligence, eh?

For example,

this takes intelligence.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

Operating

a digital effects unit.

The machine

has the intelligence.

The operator

is a support system.

I just don't like getting

surprised like that.

Not that I'm against surprises.

I mean, I've thrown

as many buckets of ice water

into a sleeping bag as anybody.

The trouble starts

when maybe a lodge member

can't differentiate

between a surprise and a prank.

Because, you know,

if something happens

that doesn't involve

loss of consciousness

or hospitalization,

it really is a surprise,

as opposed to a prank,

and doesn't really have a place

in lodge life,

as far as I'm concerned.

Whereas, like, a prank

that maims or kills

is everybody's favorite.

Well, as usual,

you're exaggerating, harold,

just like your father did

when he got me to hire you.

But any stunt that involves

either personal injury

or property damage

makes a heck of a lot more

interesting story

a couple years down the road,

when we're all

in our declining years

and doing a little more

reflecting than shining.

Well, I just want you to know

that I'm opposed

to any childish adventures or --

or irresponsible behavior.

Oh, harold, that wedgie

didn't hurt that much, did it?

Well...

Quite a bit,

especially if you hook

a person's underwear

to a power hoist.

All right.

Maybe we did go a little --

a little too far with that.

If you could've seen the look

on your face.

Hardy-har-har.

I took it like a man, didn't I?

But if my children

don't grow up

to be as tall as they should be,

I may sue.

It's a workday for me, too,

harold.

Yeah?

Yeah, today

I'll be testing soil density

for the department

of natural resources.

I just do it

on the golf course,

you know, to avoid boredom,

that sort of thing.

Keeps me sharp

and more effective

as a government official.

Wow.

That sounds --

I guess "incredible" is the word

for that, isn't it?

Well, harold [sighs]

you know, in a couple of days,

it'll be my birthday.

I'll be turning, uh...

A year older.

Be great if I shot par today,

though, huh?

Now, that would be

a good birthday present.

You've never shot par,

bob?

Well, I have on the scorecard.

Just never on the golf course.

Wish me luck, harold.

It'd be nice -- you know, you

don't even have to shoot par.

Just be great if you didn't wing

your clubs into the lake.

The wind did that.

I'll be on the golf course

all day.

You workaholic, you.

I think bob's patterned

his civil service career

after gerald ford.

Eddie, I told you not to buy

the bikini briefs.

I didn't want bob

to see me.

I think we should have a

surprise birthday party for bob.

I started on the cake.

That's the nose.

Whoa!

It's not a swimming party,

is it, ed?

Uncle red, I think a surprise

party is an excellent idea.

All right,

then you try the cake.

[ glass shatters, horn honks ]

I may have gone a bit too heavy

on the prunes.

I could prepare a special meal

around the campfire,

and then afterwards we could

all say things about bob.

And, you know,

he'd think

we were kidding.

And then we could --

we could divide into groups

and do vignettes from famous

broadway musicals, like...

♪ o-o-o-o-klahoma ♪

♪ where the wind comes swirling

'round the plain ♪

what do you think?

I think

that's the kind of plan

that could lead to some

fairly major violence.

That's what I think.

Red, as you know,

I am a gourmet cook

and a performer of some note.

Well, we don't want to hear

the note right now, eddie.

And I'd be perfectly willing

to stage this party.

But if someone

who doesn't know a petit four

from a pâté de foie gras

wants to make a suggestion,

well, I'm all ears.

Harold: Okay. How about this?

How about this, right?

We get, like, some music videos

happening, right?

We get a live music rap group

doing their thing in the corner.

They can be doing that.

And we get a laser light show

happening. That'd be cool.

And then we could order pizzas.

Have like 50 pizzas.

You could do that.

You want to do that?

We could do that

if you want to do that.

Want to do that?

Harold, uh, would you mind going

down to the lake for a minute?

W-what for?

To stick your head in it.

That was cruel.

Not compared to the other things

I thought of.

Do I have to stick my head

right in it?

Can I not, you know, just, like,

sit real close to the edge?

Well,

make it the far edge.

Wa-a-a! Excellent.

Wa-a-a!

[ door opens, closes ]

well, how about this

for a memorable party?

We all pile into the r.V.,

we hit the open road.

We go till the gas tank's empty

and the holding tank's full.

Oh, no, glen, I think we'd

have to be going somewhere.

Otherwise we wouldn't know

when we were lost.

Okay.

How about augusta, georgia,

home of the world-famous

masters golf tournament, huh?

Do you think bob would

maybe enjoy that at all?

That's not a party.

That's a prize

on "the dating game."

well, you don't have to go,

then.

I mean, you can stay here

and learn some more show tunes.

Well, I think we should

just celebrate the birthday

the way we celebrate

every birthday at the lodge.

We just ignore it.

I'll see you guys later.

Listen, the idea for a party

was my idea in the first place.

Well, let's have it in the r.V.

What's the difference?

Because there's no style

to that, no panache!

I mean, we'd look like a bunch

of itinerant worm pickers.

Whoa. Hey. Don't bring religion

into it, all right?

Worm picking

isn't a religion.

I meant "itinerant."

r.V. Guys like me

don't like to hear the use

of that kind of language.

You are so --

hello, harold.

Hi.

Mr. Miranda, I presume?

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ my favorite pants ♪

♪ I've had them for years ♪

♪ comfortable like

you wouldn't believe ♪

♪ $13.95 at sears ♪

♪ since I first got them ♪

♪ I've gained a few pounds ♪

♪ now my gut kind of

spills over top ♪

♪ and pushes them down ♪

♪ my wife says

they're too tight ♪

♪ so I just show her ♪

♪ they still fit me fine ♪

they're just

8 or 9 inches lower.

Ahh.

Red: This week

on, uh, "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

a fabulous, fabulous,

uh, lawn-and-garden

instrument -- the leaf blower.

Now, to me, the leaf blower

is the greatest invention

since the chain saw

or duct tape.

Well, not counting

twist-off caps.

Now, this is too long.

We only need a few feet of this,

so I'm gonna cut this

with some tin snips,

but I need to drill

a pilot hole first.

So I'll just snug her up

in the vise

and start the pilot hole here.

[ clears throat ]

maybe I can think

of a smarter way to do this.

[ sniffs ]

no.

I-I know what it is.

This is metal, and I'm using

a wood bit on this.

Gosh.

[ clears throat ]

I should be using a saw.

Okay. Now we're gonna need

something to...

To blow air.

Now, I would suggest

old man sedgwick,

but I do have the environment

to think of.

So instead, I recommend

one of these deals here.

This is one

of these hot-air dryers

that you see in a washroom

at a restaurant.

You know, I mean,

restaurants are always

going out of business.

You can pick one of these up

real cheap.

Or if you really want to save

a bundle,

you can go into a self-serve gas

station and just serve yourself.

And so, first thing

we got to do with this rig

before we can use it is,

we got to disconnect the heater.

Lift the cover off there.

Oh, boy,

it's like a computer in there.

Oh, no, this -- this would be

the heater connection here.

Yeah, that's good.

Okay.

We'll pop that back on.

And we're ready

for our final assembly.

Just, uh, smooth it right down,

and there you have it.

You're ready for autumn.

You got your very own

one-of-a-kind,

homemade leaf blower.

And remember,

until next time --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ whirring ]

[ whirring stops ]

uh...

[ whirring resumes ]

[ whirring stops ]

what the heck?

[ grinding ]

[ spitting, coughing ]

"it is summer.

"sunbathers lolling

in two-piece bathing suits.

"the brunette wears hers

to get a tan.

"the blonde wears hers

to get a man.

"the redhead wears hers

to get whistles.

And the bald, fat guy wears his

for medical reasons."

so now everybody wants to give

bob a surprise birthday party.

But I'm kind of against it

because, you know, first of all,

if it's his birthday,

he's going to expect something.

That's not really gonna be

much of a surprise.

What I'd rather do is take

something like April fools' day

and make it a completely

different day

without telling anybody,

and then walk up behind them

and pull their pants down

on national television.

Now, that would be a surprise,

right, harold?

Right.

Yeah, or, say, you know,

buster hadfield has a date,

and what you do is

you put itching powder

all over the back seat

of his car, huh?

That's not only fun,

that's a life lesson.

If you keep your clothes on,

you don't end up scratching.

You know,

I might consider that

an invasion of privacy,

uncle red.

Oh, harold,

you think we should all behave

like we're all

on "the lawrence welk show."

if you were in charge,

nobody would ever be allowed

to yell, "pile on!"

that's boring, harold.

Well,

maybe I'd rather be boring

than to find plums

in the toes of my shoes.

Has anyone ever really stopped

to consider that?

Ah.

You're a wet blanket.

That's another thing.

I resented that wet blanket.

Oh, relax, harold.

Gasoline evaporates.

I'll take a prank

over a surprise any day.

Well,

I hope you feel the same way

after your lunch break today,

uncle red.

I'm not eating my lunch, harold.

I gave it to helmut.

Uh-oh!

You know, bob,

I-I think that maybe you --

I think maybe you need to unwind

a little bit,

you know, maybe get

some professional help.

Or what about taking

a year off?

Or if you can't do that, bob,

I got an idea.

How about a party?

What if we had a party

of some kind?

Let me tell you something,

red.

Yeah.

It's my birthday coming up

pretty soon.

Did -- did you know that?

Uh, no, no, I didn't even

realize you had a birthday.

Well, I wish I didn't.

You see,

when I was a little boy,

my -- my grandmother

used to stage

these surprise birthday parties

for me.

Well, that was awful nice

of her, wasn't it?

I hated them.

Everyone shrieking,

"surprise!"

looking at you,

staring right at you

to see what your reaction

would be.

"did we fool you?

Was it a surprise?"

and you had to be happy.

You had to pretend

you were happy all the time,

no matter how angry you felt,

and you got crappy gifts.

Why -- why didn't you just tell

your grandmother

you felt that way?

Oh, not my grandmother.

No way.

My grandmother could hurt you

if she wanted to.

Yeah, once I saw her bring

a postman to his knees

just with a pair

of salad tongs.

No, I stayed quiet --

and healthy.

I just pretended

I enjoyed myself.

That's why to this day

I hate surprises.

Just hate them.

That's why I took a job

with the government.

That's --

that's too bad, bob.

Yeah.

That's why I like golf,

you know?

If you do

everything right,

everything just goes

exactly as planned.

I suppose.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[ sneezes ]

[ water splashes ]

oh, my god!

It's gone into the water hole!

[ film projector clicking ]

red: This next portion

is brought to you

by the good people who make

bandages and splints and iodine.

"adventures with bill."

now, bill had made himself

a pair of stilts.

We're gonna try them out today.

So, he wanted to start

over here.

[ thud ]

ohh!

Maybe if he'd told me

he was gonna stop.

Aah.

So, a good start.

You know, I think it was,

uh, sigmund freud who said

if you don't go through some

developmental stages --

the stages of development

are in kind of an order

when you're a kid --

if you don't go through them

in the right order

or if you miss one,

then, uh, he's got to go

through it later in life.

And, of course, when he said it,

it wasn't quite that clear.

But, uh, I don't think bill ever

experienced stilts as a kid,

so he wanted to try them out

as an adult.

I think it's more

of a kid thing,

because I think

when you get to be --

you have too much weight,

and he's trying this technique,

and I was afraid he was gonna

back us all the way to town.

Then we tried this,

where I would hold the weight.

And, boy,

this is not only heavy,

but not the greatest view

you'd ever want to have.

But I got him up there.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

No, no, no, no.

But the thing with bill is,

he just doesn't give up

until he's really,

really hurt somebody.

He gets something to stand on,

and then he -- oh.

Well, that's -- that's good.

Thank you, bill.

Thank you.

There goes

our matching furniture.

Get that off him there.

Then we got some garbage cans.

Thought he could stand on them.

Maybe that would give him

a leg up, so to speak.

But he got one,

and he got kind of carried away,

and he ended up sticking

one of the legs of the stilts

right into the garbage can.

And then he --

trying to get that out,

and he didn't know

how he was gonna do that.

And then he'd only put one nail

in where the feet thing goes,

so instead of up there --

and then down -- oh, bill.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

And he wedged right in there,

and the inside was kind of wet,

so it kind of sealed off.

[ squeaking ]

[ pop! ]

yeah.

We got her off there.

Now he's putting

a few extra nails in,

just to be -- just to be safe.

And then --

oh, now, what he did here

was he added length to the --

to the stilts

with rope and duct tape.

I think he went up

about 12 feet.

He says to me,

"if you're gonna go up,

you might as well go up

in a big way,"

which I never really understood.

So he's gonna step onto these

from the van.

You know, whenever bill

gets around my van,

something bad happens.

I don't know what it is.

Kind of a karma thing.

[ glass shatters ]

or a truck-ma thing.

Thanks, bill.

He gets up

onto the stilts there,

and I'm sensing impending doom.

I leave the area.

But he's -- he's doing okay.

Bit by bit.

He's all right.

He's all right.

And unfortunately,

what happens a lot of times

when you get up

that kind of height...

Aaaaaah!

Ohh!

...Is the gravity takes over.

But, uh, he's all right.

He's okay.

He'll live to stilt another day.

Go lie down, bill.

"it is summer.

"a muscle-bound body builder

kicks sand in my face.

"I challenge him to a fight.

"later that day,

upon regaining consciousness,

I realize how smart gandhi was."

well, the guys have heard

that bob hates surprise parties,

so now they want to give him

one more than ever,

you know, since this is

unofficial April fools' day.

But I guess

at tonight's meeting,

I better let the cat

out of the bag.

Well, you did that last week.

Ha ha ha.

That was a badger, harold.

And I meant figuratively

this time.

So, I'll just --

I'll just announce

that we're not gonna have

a surprise party for bob,

and then the guys will know

that they're free and clear

to set his golf clubs on fire

or call his boss and tell him

how many rounds he plays

on company time --

and bob will remember that.

Uncle red, I mean,

if this is something you do

to a fellow lodge member,

how are you really any different

than his enemies?

You know,

that's what I don't understand.

Well, uh, the enemies would do

it with malice, harold.

I mean, there'd be a mean edge

to the laughter.

We're just kidding around.

[ screeching ]

oh, that's the call

to the meeting.

Oh, uncle red,

it's time to go.

I hope you know

what you're doing.

No problem, harold.

I'll just zip down there

and let everybody know

what's going on,

get everything back on track.

When the guys were trying to do

something nice for bob,

I'm sure they meant well.

They just lost sight

of their priorities.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise.

[ clears throat ]

all:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

The floor recognizes

glen braxton.

Thank you, red.

I just want to happily report

that the r.V. Has been serviced.

It's all ready to roll

on our celebration

that we discussed.

If my brother possums will vote

on my suggestion,

uh, you know,

as per, uh...

Yes, well, uh,

I too am prepared.

Things have been cooked,

plans have been planned,

and I have some supporters

out there,

who I'm sure will go along

with my I--

uh, c-celebration

ideas.

I think I'd better announce

to everybody out there --

just for your information,

and especially to a couple

or three guys up here --

that the proposed gathering

has been ix-nayed.

[ all grumbling ]

gatherings?

Celebrations?

What are we talking

about here, huh?

What are you guys up to?

You're not planning a surprise

birthday party for me, are you?

Really?

Well, I hate surprise

birthday parties.

I told you that,

didn't I, red?

Yes, you did, bob, and that's

why we're not having one.

[ all shouting ]

oh.

Oh. Well, all right, then.

[ chuckles ]

it's not like I was expecting

one or anything like that.

Well, they're always

a disappointment, you know...

I would imagine.

Uh...

I lied

about my grandmother.

That's right, red.

I've -- I've never had a party.

Oh, boy.

Never had

a grandmother.

But -- but I can imagine

what they're like --

uh, the parties,

I mean.

You know,

stupid balloons,

some crummy clowns,

lousy magicians,

that sort

of thing.

Oh, no!

Never, ever had

the corner piece of cake --

you know, the one

with the extra icing on it.

My -- my father used to say

that parties weren't dignified.

That only middle-class people

had birthdays.

And then my mother,

you know,

she hated the idea

of growing older,

so she just

drank heavily.

I've never pinned the tail

on anything!

[ sobs ]

well, bob,

I wanted to throw you a party,

and so did eddie!

Yeah.

But red said no.

Yeah. Red --

red -- red killed it.

[ all shouting ]

all right, all right.

Just a minute.

Hold on, hold on.

Now, bob?

[ sobbing ]

yeah?

Were you or were you not

expecting a surprise party?

And be honest.

Be honest.

No!

Well, okay.

Yeah, a little one.

Just because you were asking me

all about the parties

and everything, red.

And everyone else

out there

was wondering what size

golf shoes I wore

and stuff like that,

so it was a bit of a giveaway.

I thought, you know,

there'd be a little thing.

All right, then.

All right, then.

So, not having a surprise party

would be a surprise,

wouldn't it?

Well, I-I guess.

Okay!

So that's a surprise.

So, all those in favor

of giving bob a surprise

on his birthday, say, "aye."

aye! Aye!

Aye! Aye!

Well, there you go, huh?

No party it is. Eh?

All together now.

Surprise! Surprise!

Surprise! Surprise!

[ laughter and applause ]

I see.

You're kidding me, right?

That's very funny.

That's very good.

No, no.

No, no, no.

No, we're not kidding.

We're not kidding.

That's it.

That's it.

Any other -- any other business

on the agenda there, bill?

No?

Oh, okay.

So, why don't we

call on eddie here

to supply the evening's

entertainment?

And congratulations, bob.

That's great.

Okay, eddie.

Here we go.

Eddie!

Shh!

Eddie's up, eddie's up.

Please.

Eddie's up.

Shh!

Well, live and learn.

Live and learn.

The guys thought they could,

uh, pull a prank on bob

by having a party for him

that would make him feel awkward

and embarrass him.

I managed to do all that

just by telling him

there was gonna be a party.

Just with a few simple words,

I reduced a grown man to tears.

Now, that's a prank.

And you know, I-I guess

the ability to understand people

and what makes them tick

is the mark of a true leader.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And please don't have any

surprises for me in bed tonight.

Or pranks.

I certainly don't have any

for you.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

♪ I saw her walking

down the meadow ♪

♪ her little dress on

and an attitude ♪

♪ and I said, "hey, baby ♪

♪ "hey, baby, it's you ♪

♪ "it's you ♪

♪ hey, baby, it's you" ♪