Cross The Lake Race/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold:

And now here's a man whose name

is as colorful as his wardrobe.

A real fashion plate

with a side order of flannel.

A man who always makes the "it's

best if he's dressed" list.

Here he is, the star

of our show, mr. Red green.

Thank you very much,

and thank you for tuning us in.

We have an exciting

and enjoyable show,

and we also have

my nephew harold.

Ha!

Wa!

Okay, and back

to the enjoyable stuff.

All right, harold,

let's get on with the show.

Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tell 'em about

the big boat race we're having.

Tell 'em.

Oh, all right.

Yeah, we're having

a big boat race,

you know,

across possum lake.

And?

Go on. And?

[ laughs ]

that's about all there is,

harold.

Let's get on

with the show here.

No!

We're having a big boat race

across possum lake,

and the winner gets to be

the ferryboat captain,

'cause the ferryboat captain

is retiring,

so he gets the new job,

whoever wins the race.

[ laughs ]

tell 'em why people want

the job, though. Tell 'em that.

Well, harold, people

like to be gainfully employed.

[ laughs ]

not everybody

wants your job.

No, everybody wants to be

in the race

'cause every day,

the ferryboat --

it goes over

to sunshine island,

and over there,

there's a nudist camp.

Nudists that are nude.

Yes.

They're sun worshipers, harold.

That's all we know.

Oh, please!

Come on!

They're naked nudists

over there, uncle red.

The old ferryboat captain

only retired 'cause he

had a heart attack.

He's 27. There's some

kind of clue in there, I figure.

Well, everybody's

just kind of guessing on this.

You could sit out on a fishing

boat outside that nudist camp

and just pretend

you were --

I mean,

the sun-worshiper place --

and you could pretend

you were fishing.

You can stare

in there all day.

I don't care

how many times you peek,

you're not gonna see

one naked body,

and apparently,

there is some kind of a road

that goes in there

where you can see them,

but, by golly, I've never

been able to find it.

I agree.

It's totally disgusting,

you know, as far

as I'm concerned. Just saying.

Well, then, why did you bring

it up, harold? I didn't.

Well, because the people at home

want to know,

and it would probably boost

our ratings, you know?

But in my own

personal opinion,

I think it is immoral

and exploitive.

But you don't mind

making a buck

off something that you think

is a disgusting spectacle.

Yo, babe, this is tv.

That's the mark

of a professional.

[ laughs ]

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ skiing in the summer ♪

♪ out behind the lodge ♪

♪ downhill trick

and slalom ♪

♪ landing in the bog ♪

♪ it's almost

perfect skiing ♪

♪ though

it's 93 degrees ♪

♪ it's always

extremely slippery ♪

♪ since the government

declared ♪

♪ geese

an endangered species ♪

red: This week

on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

how to get better tv reception.

'course, one way is just to

switch to a different channel,

but we're thinking more

of one of them fancy

satellite dish/bowl things

that lets you get

a million stations

all carrying, you know,

stuff like "cheers" and "mash"

and "lucy"

and that kind of thing.

We were actually thinking

of buying ourselves a dish

at the lodge, and we went

down and looked at them,

and these things are $1,000 --

$1,000.

That's what we pay for houses.

I took a close look at it,

and I figured, "golly,

I can build one of those."

so all you're gonna need is,

uh, one of these patio tables,

including the umbrella,

and about 160 bags of chips --

potato chips, that is.

Make sure you get the kind

in the foil bag.

Step one --

[ clears throat ]

empty the bags.

[ crunching ]

42.

You know, maybe what

we should do is just, uh --

maybe pour these into a --

into a pail,

and then we can, you know,

eat them later

while we're watching tv.

[ coughs ]

wish I'd have thought of that

a little earlier.

Maybe I should have cleaned

the pail out first, huh?

I'll just tell the guys these

chips are sour cream and onion.

43.

Or was that 44?

I'll do an extra.

Oh, geez, that was my spleen.

And that's -- that's 100.

Oh, that's good enough.

[ sniffs ]

oh, this place

is starting to smell

like mr. Potato head's

honeymoon suite.

All right, that will give us

the reflective surface

for the satellite dish.

Now we need

the actual dish form,

and this is where

the patio umbrella comes in.

All right,

first step we got to do is,

uh, to gently remove

the umbrella from the stand.

There we go. Now we got

to invert her, flip her over,

and point her back out

into space.

I'll just aim her up through the

hole in the lodge roof there.

And now we'll secure it

on there

using the handyman's

secret weapon --

duct tape.

No problem.

I guess you wouldn't want to

give me a hand, eh, harold?

My hands are all greasy

from something.

Okay, now, I've really laid

the duct tape in there,

because, uh,

you got to allow for wind,

especially

after 44 bags of chips.

And what we've got here now is a

concave, uh, reflective surface.

At least, we will have once

we add the foil bags to her.

And what that does is it focuses

all the electromagnetic waves

from way out in space

right up here

into our --

into our receiver.

There.

Leave it there now.

Now, what I have to do

is I have to open up

all the bags like this

and attach them inside the dish,

and I could do that

with duct tape,

but it's gonna take

a whack of duct tape,

and that's gonna cost you

a fair coin.

So I got an idea that's free.

You know, uh,

all of them paint cans

that you've been keeping in the

garage or down in the basement,

you know, for years and years

'cause they got

a half-inch of paint in them

or something

and they're still good,

so you don't throw them out,

you just store them for a while

until they smell like old fish,

and then you throw them out?

Well, you don't need

to throw them out.

We can use them here

as an adhesive to stick the --

to stick the foil bags

right onto the umbrella.

[ hums ]

39.

You know, I'm using the paint

like wallpaper paste, like...

Actually,

I do have some wallpa--

oh, it doesn't matter.

This is gonna take a little bit

longer than I thought,

so why don't we just get on

with the show,

and when I get her all done,

I'll bring you right back,

we'll hook her up

and make her work?

Oh, that's 39...

And now here's the part

of the show where we expose

those three little words that

men find so difficult to say --

"I don't know."

and here to prove that point

once again

on "the expert" portion

of the show

is my uncle red

and mr. Dougie franklin.

Okay, here we go.

"dear experts" --

wa!

"there is a woman at our office

who I find very interesting,

and I would like very much

to marry her

and bear her children."

"however, before making

a lifelong commitment,

"I think

we should meet first.

"so far, she doesn't

even know that I'm alive.

Any ideas?"

well, I'm kind of with her

on this one, harold.

I don't think

the guy's alive, either.

Well, uncle red,

I don't think sarcasm

helps a shy person.

Believe me.

Well, harold, with me,

you either get sarcasm

or total silence.

Does he got

a stock exhaust system?

I don't know.

It's kind of hard to tell from

this picture of him he sent.

I just, uh,

was wondering.

Maybe he might want to

upgrade to a thrush, you know,

or, uh, get a little bodywork

done -- chop the front end down,

jack the back end up a little,

you know.

Oh, yeah.

No, that's a good point.

My mom had that done

after she stopped having kids.

Dougie's talking

about the guy's car, uh, harold.

Pardon me,

but how would an engine rebuild

get this fella closer

to the girl of his dreams?

Harold, your first drill,

if you want to be noticed,

is you got to make sure

your car makes a lot

of noise, you know?

Big thunder exhaust system,

and peel some rubber

out of the parking lot!

Well, I would agree with you

if this fella wanted to meet,

say, you know,

a policewoman.

I was just thinking,

you know, maybe he, uh...

He might want to drop

a racing cab in her

and get a holley carb,

maybe some mopar headers,

get that engine so she's just

idling real rough and tough,

you know, kind of like a...

[ imitates engine revving ]

you know?

[ imitates engine revving ]

yeah!

[ both imitating

engines revving ]

for those of you

who just tuned in,

this is not the german version

of the show.

"it is autumn.

"the leaves are burning.

"but not from the maple.

"not the leaves from the oak

or the old sycamore.

"these are the leaves

of the dining room table.

Last time we have fondue

in this house."

99.

Should be one more.

I thought I had 100.

Oh, well, that should do it.

So, there you are.

You're all tied right in now

to the international

satellite system,

part of the great

video-information network.

You got 1,000 channels

at your fingertips.

Uh, let's --

let's crank her up

and see

what we can pull in here.

[ theme from

"the red green show" plays ]

[ man speaking french ]

[ man speaking

foreign language ]

oh, man,

there's nothing on.

Oh, well.

If the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Oh, there we go.

Glen braxton

had a major problem --

keeping the bugs

off the front of his r.V.

Well, maybe you could put

some kind of a wax

or a teflon coating

on the front of there.

Oh, I tried that

last summer, red.

I put lard

all over the front of it.

I thought they'd skip off it.

It attracted them.

Oh, my.

And it really gummed up

the windshield, you know?

I had to replace the wipers

every couple hours.

And then it got real hot,

and they started to cook

the bugs on there.

Kids came running. They

thought it was a chip wagon.

Oh, man.

Just once, I'd like to go

to florida, down and back,

without a billion little

bug parts all over the front.

Well, uh, maybe you

can back it all the way.

You know,

that's not bad.

I'd need bigger mirrors, but --

no, couldn't do it, red.

No?

As I'm going back,

all the toll booths

would be on the wrong side.

Oh.

I thought you were on

to something there, red.

That was close.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, glen,

I was wondering

if you could maybe tune up

my v-8 marine engine for me.

Well, I-I don't think so, red.

I'm awful bus--

you know,

you could do it yourself.

I mean, just adjust

the needle valve on the carb.

It'd take you

10 minutes.

And you haven't got 10 minutes

to spare, glen?

Well, I'm awful busy

here, red.

And the paperwork would be --

you know.

Plus I got this bug thing

on my mind, red,

and I-I don't think I could

devote my full attention to you,

you know, so it

wouldn't be fair to you.

Man, how do you stay

in business, glen?

[ chuckles ]

I'm the only marina

on the lake, red.

Great.

Well, things are getting

pretty competitive

for this race

across possum lake.

You know,

it's kind of disappointing

to see, uh, the men trying

so hard to beat each other,

you know?

As if they have any chance

against my skiff.

Uncle red, are you sure

that you just don't want

to sneak a peek

at those naked sunbathers?

No, doesn't interest me

in the slightest, harold.

Well, I should hope not,

not at your age.

Not really an age thing,

harold.

Well, it should be.

Well, it's not.

I have my reputation

as lodge leader to think of,

and I have to win that race

even if it means, say,

dropping a 427 supercharged hemi

into a 12-foot canoe.

I think -- I think

that's gonna make the canoe

rather hard to navigate,

you know --

having a 700-horsepower engine

in there

instead of a paddle,

you know?

Well, I don't have to

steer it, harold.

I got forward and reverse --

straight over, straight back.

Whoo-hoo!

Well, you're certainly

gonna be more entertaining

than those nudists.

Sun worshipers, harold.

Sun worshipers.

Okay, okay.

You have insurance,

uncle red?

Now, why would I

need insurance?

Wa-a-a!

You'll see.

Do you have insurance,

harold?

Yes, I do.

That's very wise.

Thank you.

Oh, I -- oh, dear.

[ drumming, guitar playing ]

♪ she had big, brown eyes

and a nice personality ♪

♪ four great legs

and an attractive hide ♪

♪ I remember

how very, very sad we were ♪

♪ on the day she died ♪

♪ boohoo ♪

♪ but, by golly,

the burgers sure were good ♪

red: Well, this week

on "adventures with bill,"

bill told me

to meet him up behind the lodge,

and we'd try

a little duck hunting.

And -- whoa, whoa, whoa.

Bill does everything

possibly wrong with a gun.

But lookit,

he's got one of the old

davy crockett raccoon --

oh, that's not

the davy crockett style.

That -- by golly,

that actually is a raccoon.

Wow.

Bill, bill, let that thing --

let him go. Let him go.

No, no.

Bill, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Boy.

Duck hunting, bill.

Duck.

All right,

he brought his laundry hamper.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, I see.

Boy, he's got a lot of decoys.

Wow.

He must be

just made of money.

Anyway, the idea,

he told me, here is

you spread the decoys out

in some kind of a formation

that ducks flying over

from the air will see these

and be attracted to them

in some way.

But I don't think "hi, ducks"

is gonna work all that well.

And then his plan was just to --

now, to me, I mean, aren't we

a little, sort of -- okay.

Ohh.

Might need to be

in some sort of a duck blind?

I was actually almost blind

myself at this point,

but, don't worry,

any of you out there.

Don't worry about ducks

or anything being shot.

They're real safe.

You see what I mean?

The only people that are

in danger when we go hunting

is the two of us.

Anyway, bill brought

some branches in.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Man, watch where

you're backing there, bill.

And he's gonna build us

a little blind, you know?

Ooh!

I'm sorry,

but that seems fair.

And he's gonna build us a blind

out of the br-- ow!

Oh, all right.

Anyway, we're gonna

build a blind up there

so that there's

some sort of cover.

Yeah, that's how it works.

Now we sit back down

and just wait for the ducks

to come by and...

Oop.

Not one of the better

duck blinds, uh, you'd ever --

shh, shh!

Anyway, we're not gonna worry

about that.

Bill's got a duck call.

Maybe that'll do it --

the little duck-honker thing.

I'm not even gonna speculate

as to what that was.

But here we go.

Here's the duck caller.

[ explosion ]

uh, oh, no.

No, that --

no, there again,

that would be a shotgun shell.

Well, third time lucky,

right, bill?

Yeah. Oh, this is --

check it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, the right end.

All right, I see.

Okay. Yeah-huh.

He's all set.

[ inhales sharply,

choking ]

oh, oh, he swall--

[ quacking ]

bill, you swall--

I didn't realize they work--

no, they don't work that way.

Oh. Oh, yes, they do.

Yeah, yeah.

And the ducks are starting

to come in.

Wow, now this is --

now, I'm starting to have fun.

[ gunshots ]

now, I don't actually --

wow, we're not getting anything,

but, boy,

we're making a lot of noise.

[ ducks quacking ]

another call,

then suddenly, I started...

[ quack! ]

...Enjoying duck hunting...

[ quack! ]

...More than I thought

I ever could.

[ quack! ]

thataboy, bill.

And now something

for the young people

that completely defies

explanation.

Here's harold.

Welcome to a brand-new feature

on "the red green show."

it's gonna be of interest

to anyone

who's under, you know,

the age of 60.

It's htv,

and I'm your emcee, harold,

counting down the video hits.

[ laughs ]

okay, here we go.

Number 60 -- "squeeze the beef,"

by moon me sideways.

Number 59

is debbie and the deep dishers

with "a river runs through me."

wa-a-a!

Holding at 58 -- "choke on this"

by meat cleaver.

It's a love song.

♪ oh, darling, choke on this ♪

57 -- it's a brand-new one

from air sickness bag,

and it's called

"be my thermometer."

lot of weddings using that song.

That's a good one.

And, of course, 56 is

wendy vapid with "just 'cause."

"just 'cause."

we got 55 checking in --

it's a good one, too.

It's "life sucks," by

helsinki jones and loofah lips.

You got to check that one out.

And, of course,

checking in at 54 --

"grunt," by groan.

Ha!

And checking out and 86'ed,

it's harold and "who cares?"

I woke up in the park

last Sunday morning,

and once I got

the newspapers off me there,

I couldn't help but notice

how many teenagers

were down there

throwing a ball around

or hanging out

or stripping cars

or what have you.

I thought to myself,

"why aren't these kids in church

like I was at their age?"

you know, sitting

in my Sunday-school class

in the circle there,

wearing them gray-flannel

hand-me-downs,

watching mrs. Pennington's

false teeth defy gravity,

along with the rest of her body.

I learned so many things there

that the teens of today

just aren't getting exposed to,

like, uh, how to pretend

you're listening,

how to sleep

with your eyes open,

how to make jokes

with your hands,

and how to sing hymn 435 while

everybody else is doing 342.

But the teens today,

they're just not getting in

on that at all.

I did that

till I was 16 years old,

and I never went back.

But that's not the point.

The young people today

haven't earned the right

not to go to church.

Well, we're all getting ready

for the boat race here,

so I thought

I'd come out and visit

one of my best friends

of all time, buzz sherwood.

Buzz, how's my favorite pilot

today, huh?

Hey, red, man!

Give me five!

All right, all right.

Ooh!

[ laughs ]

hey, harold, my man,

how are you?

Come here, harold,

I want you -- ohh!

[ laughs ]

that's funny, harold.

That's funny.

[ laughs ]

so, buzz, uh, how is your

beautiful plane running today?

Oh, not you, too, man.

Listen, I'm not taking anybody

on any flights

over that nudist camp.

Just forget it, man.

I never said anything

about a nudist camp.

Oh, come on, man.

Like, none of the guys around

here seen a naked woman before?

I mean, like, was I

the only one at woodstock?

All day long,

it's been, "hey, buzz,

I want to go up

and test my home-video camera."

"hey, buzz, how low and slow

can your plane fly?"

"hey, buzz, I want to overcome

my fear of heights

and break in

my telephoto lens."

[ imitates buzzer ]

no way, man.

Forget it.

Harold, I don't like

the low-angle shots.

Get up.

Look, look, I'm really sorry

to bum you out, man,

but right now,

I got to get her ready

for the big boat race,

you know what I'm saying?

You're entering

your seaplane?

No, I'm entering

my airboat.

Oh, no, no, buzz.

That -- that thing

does not qualify as a boat.

This thing does not qualify

as an airplane.

[ laughs ]

hey, you know what?

I was just gonna take my ferry

out for a shakedown cruise

and see if it's shipshape.

Why don't you come along

with me?

You can be like the ensign

or the purser or something.

Well, uh --

come on, come on,

step onto my bridge.

Go on, go on, huh?

This might be as close as I get

to the love boat, huh?

You scare me sometimes,

red.

All right, here we go.

Preparing to cast off.

Yeah, all right.

Um, what do they do?

Engines on, one-third.

Come on, baby.

Yeah!

All right, we need

a little cruise music.

Yeah!

[ heavy-metal music plays ]

[ explosion ]

all right, batten down

all hatches and portholes.

Uh, I think

they abandoned ship, sir.

Oh, apparently, they have.

All right,

let's rock 'n' roll!

[ laughs ]

well, sorry to say

I didn't win the big boat race.

Moose thompson lucked out.

I cannot believe

that moose thompson

beat that canoe of yours.

The whole thing was rigged,

harold.

I took his gas can,

and I poured about five pounds

of sugar in there.

Then just before the race,

he cheated

and switched cans with me.

I think I'm gonna put in

a grievance.

Sure is expensive.

So, what you're telling me

then is, like,

that moose thompson

is the new ferryboat captain?

Yep.

Reported for work

right after the race.

Hoo-hoo!

Boy, what's

the pay situation?

Uh, I believe

it's $15 a trip plus expenses,

but I think moose would have

paid twice that much...

Until he found out

the sun worshipers

really are sun worshipers.

A bunch of old, fat guys

sitting around in robes,

chanting up at the sun.

They're like mayans

or aztecs or something.

Wa-a-a!

Well, there you go.

I hope you learned a lesson.

That's a lesson

just for you.

Shut up, harold.

That's a lesson

just for me.

[ screeching ]

oh, there's the possum.

Time for another meeting.

Yeah, you -- you go ahead.

I'll be down in a second.

You know, I always like a show

with a point to it,

and I think the point here

is mind your own business,

and, hopefully,

that hasn't been lost

on anybody who's been watching,

like, say, for example,

my wife's parents.

Just kidding.

Just kidding.

Uh, if my wife is watching,

I'm gonna be coming home

the long way,

'cause I'm gonna need

some time to figure out

how I got involved

with this whole thing tonight.

But I'm pretty sure I can come

up with a way of blaming harold.

And everybody else,

on behalf of harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge

and, of course, myself,

thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

harold: All rise.

All: Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

All right,

I got one announcement

before we get started here.

The senior citizens

are having a dance

at the end of the lake

on Saturday night.