Fire Brigade/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold: And now here's a man

who's been called

the greatest canadian cultural

icon since michael j. Fox,

the man who put the "wood"

in "hollywood,"

my uncle, your host --

red green!

Whoo! Whoo-whoo!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for tuning us in.

It's a lousy, rotten job,

but somebody's got to do it.

And speaking of a guy

who does a rotten job,

have you met

my producer/director, harold?

Hello, world.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

Well, I guess that would be

the second disaster

up at the lodge this week.

The first one happened

a few days ago.

A bunch of the guys decided

they would try

a little truck farming,

so they went out

and bought a little truck.

And they were gonna put

some vegetables in there,

and sure enough,

within about a half an hour,

stinky peterson

was caught up a tree,

buster hadfield

has electrocuted himself,

and moose thompson

set his hair on fire.

Golly, it's no wonder

so many young people

are leaving the farm.

Uncle red, is that what

all those sirens were about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Actually, they spaced

their actions out

about four hours apart,

so the fire trucks had to come

back and forth three times.

You know what?

I read somewhere

that if you call

the fire department too often,

they're gonna start

charging you for every call.

Yeah, well,

that's what they told us.

We got to pay them now

every time they come out.

Yeah! Exactly.

That's exactly what I read.

I read that somewhere.

I read that.

Now we said the same --

I read that somewhere.

I don't remember where

I read it, but I read that.

I did.

Shut up, harold.

Okay.

So, what we've decided to do

is to form our very own

volunteer fire department

up here,

and the guys are

pretty excited about it,

except for

the volunteer part.

You know where I read it?

You know where I read it?

On tv. Yeah.

That's why I couldn't remember

where I read it,

because I saw it on tv.

I didn't even read it.

[ laughs ]

it was in front of me,

that way. You know.

Would you mind

if I smacked you, harold?

You go right ahead.

I'll phone the fire department,

and it's gonna cost you.

Well, now, see, I would

consider that money well spent.

[ laughs nervously ]

♪ should've seen

old man sedgwick last night ♪

♪ dancing in the lodge

by the pale moonlight ♪

♪ he jumped on the table

and hopped through the stew ♪

♪ he leapt on the mantel and

yelled twice and threw a shoe ♪

♪ he jigged on the woodstove

and burned off his sock ♪

♪ he danced out the front door

and splashed off the dock ♪

♪ he bounced on the bottom,

going way down the lake ♪

♪ man, when he gets

a charley horse ♪

♪ it's a dandy ♪

this week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you something

fun you can do with a bed,

for those of you who are over 50

and are looking

for alternatives.

I got this idea when I was

stuck in a traffic jam

out on the highway.

They had one of them big

machines. It's a one-step deal.

It breaks up the asphalt

and pulls it into the thing,

and it melts it all down,

then it puts it back down

and rolls it flat.

And I thought to myself,

maybe we can do the same thing

for gardening --

a one-step machine.

I got this antique bed

that was left over from

old man sedgwick's honeymoon,

so I knew I wouldn't have to

worry about metal fatigue.

All right.

Now, step one.

What you want to do is get

yourself an outboard motor

and mount this

to the footboard --

or, as we call it,

the transom, okay?

And when you mount it, mount it

with the prop going forward,

because this here

is gonna be your cultivator.

Now, if you got the loam,

you might be able

to get by with, say,

oh, a 9.5 evinrude

set for trolling.

But if your yard

is full of clay and stones

and maybe a couple

of buried woodstoves,

you might have to move up

to a 300-horse mercruiser v-6

with trim tabs and power tilt.

Maybe get the prop

off a cessna 150.

But either way,

whatever engine you use,

you're gonna mount it

onto the bed

using exactly

the same technology.

The handyman's secret weapon --

duct tape.

Now, if you go

with a big motor on this,

you might want to use, say,

two or three rolls of duct tape

and then really secure her down,

maybe 100-pound test line

or even a couple coat hangers.

Now, I've used

the same technique

to attach these coatracks

to the sides of the footboard,

and we got a couple

of hot-water bottles hung here.

Really stripped down

old man sedgwick's room

for this project.

And then we got plant food

in this one,

and we got weed killer

in this one,

and then they come down

through these hoses.

It's a gravity feed,

kind of like moose thompson

on spaghetti night.

And the two chemicals are joined

together into this bedpan,

where they're turned

into fertilizer.

Kind of apropos, isn't it?

Now I've added a reading light

to the coatrack there.

I mean, what we'd ever need

a reading light at the lodge for

is beyond me.

But this allows us

to do our planting at night.

The hot-water bottles

are all set to go here.

And I've added an umbrella

for a little extra protection,

which is something

you want to think about

when you're near a bed.

And, now, these pillowcases

I mounted on the back here.

What I'm gonna do

is I filled the one.

I'll just top this baby up

with some flower seeds.

And then the seeds come out

the hole in the bottom,

planting flowers as we go.

I got some bulbs here,

and I'll just fill up my pockets

with the bulbs.

What I can do with them, see,

is just bounce them off the bed

as we're going along,

just like that, you know?

Oh, missed the bed.

We used to do that --

used to do that as kids.

'course, we used hamsters.

You know what would be, I think,

a real treat here

is why don't I go

and put my pajamas on,

just to kind of get in the

spirit of the whole rig here?

Hang on a sec.

I -- I forgot.

These are my pajamas.

Okay, well,

I think we're all set.

Just before we turn that

real ugly-looking piece of crap

into a real nice garden,

I'll just remind you that if the

women don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Now, I'll just start this up.

[ engine turns over ]

okay.

Umbrella up there.

And, uh, we're going gardening.

And now it's that part

of the show

where we expose

the three little words

men find so difficult

to say -- "I don't know."

and here to prove that point

on "the experts" portion

of the show,

of course, is my uncle red

and his good friend

mr. Hap shaughnessy.

All righty.

"dear experts,

I want to live a life

"filled with excitement

and adventure.

"I want to live on the edge,

"to gobble up the world

and spit it out.

"I want to plunge headfirst

into danger

"and shout at the devil,

but I don't have the nerve

"or even anything

remotely dangerous

"or different in my life to

even think about trying that.

"is there a secret that gives

the courageous people

the courage to do

adventurous adventures?"

well, yes, there is,

harold.

It's called

total lack of foresight.

I mean, if these idiots

could see what was coming,

they would never become

parachutists

or racecar drivers

or parents.

I'm gonna have to

contradict you on that, red.

I mean, taking risks,

that's an obligatory part

of the human experience.

Where would we be

if I hadn't taken risks?

There'd be no such thing

as insulin...

...No passenger-side

air bags...

No -- no united nations.

No lie-detector tests.

Excuse me. I think we're

just getting a little

bit off topic here.

Our viewer wants to know

if there's any hints

that you can give him

about developing courage.

Well, here's a trick

that I used

just before I jumped

the english channel.

I stared at myself

from top to toe in the mirror,

and I said,

"all right, all right.

"if this doesn't go well,

"well, then what's the worst

that can happen?

"you got two sets

of everything --

"eyes, ears, arms, legs.

That makes one of them

a spare."

"you got a 50% margin

for error."

hell, with fingers,

you can make nine mistakes

and still be able to dial 911.

Buzz, can I talk to you

for a minute?

Buzz?

[ humming ]

[ drill whirring ]

[ whirring stops ]

aw, man!

Stupid piece of crap!

Red!

How's it going, man?!

Whoa!

Ow!

Hey, harold, come here,

come here.

It'll be funny.

Aw, you wuss!

So, did you see that drill?

It just cut out for no reason.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, buzz, we're starting

a volunteer fire brigade

up here at the lodge.

I know! They asked me to be

the guy that sounds the alarm.

Get a load of this.

I got some stuff here.

Watch this.

Look at this.

Fire! Fire!

[ bell ringing,

air horn blowing ]

buzz, buzz, all I need is

for you to wind up the hoses.

Wind up the hoses?!

Yeah, that's it.

Aw, man!

Winding hoses?

That job's a total yawn.

That's wienie work!

Why don't you get harold

to do it, man?

You know what I'm doing?

I'm converting my plane

into a water bomber.

Yeah! I'm gonna fly

over the fire,

then I'm gonna dive bomb

and douse it with water.

You stay here. I'll dive bomb

you with some water.

Red: You know,

I think buzz means well,

but the problem is

he always gets carried away

with everything he tries to do.

And for the small fires,

you know what I got?

I got this

for the small fires.

Yeah, and if you

were a small fire...

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

...You'd be out by now.

You'd be put out.

I am put out.

Don't you sweat it, red.

With me around, if there's

a fire, you know I'll be there.

Yeah, I'm sure of it.

I'm sure of it.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Oh, uncle red?

Did you have

a little problem

with the volunteer

fire department?

Well, we got real lucky

out there.

I had just

finished forming

the whole volunteer

fire department,

and suddenly one of the vehicles

caught fire.

So,

talk about good timing.

Wasn't the possum van,

was it?

No, no, harold,

the possum van won't burn.

Believe me.

I've tried that

a thousand times.

Now, unfortunately,

we couldn't save the vehicle,

but we did prevent the fire

from spreading to anything else.

Wa-a-a!

It was the fire truck,

wasn't it?

That's a "yes."

well, the trouble started

when buster and stinky,

they bought one

of those old street cleaners

to use as a fire truck

'cause, I mean,

it carries water,

and we figured

with that sweeper in the front,

it ought to be good

for brush fires.

Of course, they brought her

up to the lodge.

She was bright yellow,

and so they painted her all red.

Then they found out

that the fire departments now

are painting theirs

bright yellow.

So they painted her

bright yellow.

Then they found out that

that's only the fire departments

in the city

and that the ones out in the

country are painting them red.

Shows up better or something.

But the yellow paint

hadn't dried yet,

and so that was the yellow

on the red on the yellow.

And so what they did was

they painted her again,

but this time with

a quick-drying red lacquer.

Excuse me, uncle red.

I would think that that

would make the paint run

like water, wouldn't it?

Oh, yeah, I would think so,

too, harold,

but then our brains aren't

clogged with paint fumes,

are they?

So, now what we had

was three paint jobs

sliding off the truck and

heading out towards the lake.

And I think they would've

made it, too,

but they crossed paths

with the barbecue.

Oh, that's when

the fire started, right?

Right around that time.

So, now the truck

is not really

yellow on red

or red on yellow.

It's more

of a basic black.

And the big question is,

what do you do with a useless,

burnt-out wreck?

Well, you could make him

host of his own show.

[ guitar playing ]

♪ oh, the elbow

is throbbing ♪

♪ from the strength

of the force ♪

♪ the shoulder

is separated ♪

♪ it may get a divorce ♪

♪ the wrist is all numb ♪

♪ the fingers are swollen ♪

♪ and if this outboard doesn't

start on the next pull ♪

♪ she's going

into the lake ♪

red: Well, look here,

bill's cooking lunch...

...To go.

No, bill,

the barbecue's gone there.

I felt bad about that.

I'm sorry, bill.

But it's time

for another adventure anyhow.

Hope I didn't

ruin things too bad

by kind of totaling the barb.

Oh, no, look.

Yeah, these are kind of

a simple unit, these barbecues.

You can't really

hurt them too bad.

We put her back together,

and I feel better about that.

There you go, bill.

Put that in there.

I wonder what he's

planning to cook today.

I was feeling a little hungry

about now.

There we go.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, boy.

Yow!

Yeah, matches will do that,

bill.

Well, now he says to me, "look,

okay, forget the barbecue.

We're gonna have to

make a campfire."

and the first thing we're gonna

do is clear all the leaves.

You know, when I think

of the number of things

bill has pulled out his pants

over the years...

Anyway, I start with the rake,

and I'm gonna...

But I guess it wasn't

fast enough for bill.

Oh, boy.

Boy, that just goes right

up your nose and in your ears.

He's gonna --

yeah, bill, this is great.

What a great idea.

That's bill. Super guy.

Yeah, it's all done, anyway,

and we're all set now.

We can start to build our camp--

what do you got now, bill?

Oh, for gosh sakes.

Wow.

I'd hate to do his laundry.

Now we're gonna go out

and split some wood.

I guess the idea here --

there's an old stump.

Boy, that stump is...

That's pretty...

That's pretty mushy stuff

there, bill.

But luckily there's just lumber

lying all around the lodge,

so grab a bit of that and a bit

of this, and away we go.

Yeah, yeah, looking good.

I put my load down.

I suppose I should've --

I probably -- sorry, bill.

Ohh!

Well, anyway, that's all --

he's all right.

We got all the stuff together.

You know,

the indian style of building,

like, a little tepee type

of a fire.

He's just gonna use

the same technique,

only a lot bigger but the same,

absolutely the same.

I think this is

kind of clever stuff.

If a design works miniature,

it should work bigger.

Then, you know, like --

and then, of course,

put the juice to her there.

That's the old barbecue starter.

I've never seen that before.

Look out, bill.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Boy, that's just the same design

as that barbecue was, isn't it?

That's kind of a nice look

for you, bill.

There we go.

He's all right now.

Now bill,

whenever he has a setback,

he just completely ignores it

and he starts going

right at her again.

So, I thought I just would

stand back and let the inventor

just kind of take care

of the whole thing.

And he built a campfire there

that was up, I'd say,

12, 13, 15, uh...

6, about 7, 8, 12.

It was a tall one.

Then he put the barbecue

really -- and he --

he had really soaked that

in there, and I thought,

"you know, bill, you might've

put a little too much."

but anyway, he's going in there.

We're gonna have a fire here.

And, uh, I hope

we're gonna get lunch.

Bill, what happens if this fire

really takes off?

Have you thought about that,

bill?

'cause it might.

Whoa!

And now here's that

special moment of the show

where younger viewers

get to say,

"you know, we have a guy

like that in our school."

well, it's a whole new week,

it's a whole new me,

and it's a whole new show.

And it's for teenagers,

and it's called

"dating above your station."

and, no, it's not for people

who live above a subway.

Okay.

It's for teenagers --

say, guys --

who want to date girls who are

really, really attractive

or maybe they're older than him

or they get just way better

marks in school than him.

But that's only because

he doesn't want to date

girls his own level

because they're immature,

they're shy,

and they all claim

to be washing their hair

for the next nine years.

So, anyway, okay.

You got that particular girl

picked out, right?

So, you look up her phone

number, and you give her a call.

But you got to do it

in a different way.

5-1-5...

You got to do it in a way

that she'll think

it's somebody else, basically.

And then that way, she won't

hang up on you right away.

So, what you do is you act cool

and calm and collected

and just pretend

you're really good-looking,

like maybe a movie star

or something.

You know,

like kevin costner...

Ernest.

[ haughty english accent ]

hello?

Yes, hello, andrea.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's harold green here.

Yes, very good, thank you.

And you?

I have some primo tickets to the

nirvana concert this weekend,

and I had my car

completely reserviced,

so I thought it might be fun

if we got together,

you know, got better acquainted,

that sort of thing.

What? Oh.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'll pick you up around 8:00.

How does that sound?

Ah, very, very good.

Harold,

what are you doing?

That phone won't be in order

for another two weeks.

[ normal voice ] I was

just practicing, you know.

[ chuckles ]

[ haughty english accent ]

no problem, then.

I'll call you back

when the phone's

actually hooked up

that way,

you could respond.

"it is winter.

He stands by the chimney.

"his cheeks and nose

are rosy red.

"his whiskers

are edged in white.

"smoke curls from his mouth.

"his suit is tinged

with black soot.

"I warned him to connect

the ground wire

before he plugged in

the christmas lights."

well, with us starting

our own fire department,

we're concerned

about forest fires,

so I went and asked ranger gord

if he could describe

the condition the woods are in.

Green. Green.

Green and leafy.

No, I meant about

the fire-danger level.

Oh, oh, oh, it's low.

Low.

Yeah, I keep track of it

on my graph paper here.

Uh...

Some days it's, uh, high.

Some days...

Some days

it's medium-high.

Some days it's...Medium.

Some days

it's medium-low.

And...

Some days it's low.

Yeah, right, right.

In fact, it's almost time

to take a reading,

if you'd like

to watch me.

What time is it?

It's almost

exactly 4:00.

12:30.

No, not time yet.

Well, all right.

You know, gord, we've been

having a couple of fires

up at the lodge lately,

and we know

how dangerous fire can be.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And your

worst hazard is lightning.

Lightning?

Yeah.

Luckily, though,

my roof is made of metal,

so the lightning

will strike my tower

before it strikes

the trees.

Oh.

That used to really,

really bother me.

But now, you know, I figure

fire prevention is my job.

Yeah, yeah. So, you've been

nailed a few times, have you?

17.

And the lightning stays

in your body, but that's okay,

because at night,

if you don't wear pajamas,

you've got

a night-light.

Well, I guess we'll be going

before it gets dark, then, gord.

Don't have to.

Well, you know,

it's not too often

we have a happy ending to our

stories up here at the lodge.

Usually,

the best we can hope for

is that the disasters

kind of cancel each other out...

Or, if there is

any kind of personal injury,

nobody gets blamed.

Yeah, right,

'cause usually I get blamed.

Oh, now, harold,

do I detect a twinge

of bitterness there?

Yes! How can you call this

a happy ending?

The guys almost

killed themselves.

Spent a lot of money

on a fire truck

because it caught on fire.

All the heat made

the garage roof all buckle.

Well, harold, I think

it's just the age-old optimist

versus

the pessimist thing.

You take a half

a glass of whiskey,

and the one guy

says it's half-full.

That's the optimist.

The other guy

says it's half-empty.

That's the pessimist.

And if it's milk.

That's a baptist.

[ screeching ]

it's meeting time, uncle red.

We got to go to the meeting.

You go ahead, harold.

I'll be right down there.

Boy, the kids today have such

pie-in-the-sky expectations,

don't they?

Anyway, this is

the real happy ending,

'cause first of all,

it's the ending.

And secondly, I'm real happy

because it's getting

to the end of the day

and not much more

bad stuff can happen.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I'm gonna be bringing home

about 50 or 60

fire extinguishers.

It's just a little extra

safety precaution.

It's not a reflection

on your cooking in any way.

And to the rest of you,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

all rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

All right,

a couple of quick announcements.

Apparently if all the equipment

is returned by noon tomorrow,

the local fire department will

drop all charges against us.