The Network Deal

Harold convinces Red to let the show air on a major American television network, resulting in some drastic changes.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Red's Campfire Songs, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Handyman Corner, Adventures With Bill, The Experts

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 1

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: Once in a while, through the history of "The Red Green Show", we take an episode and we use it as a chance to say a lot of things that we feel about life and social stuff and TV in particular. And this is certainly one of the first ones. It was called "The Network Deal". It's the first time a woman ever appeared on the– on the show, so we had some chances to say something about that, but we also use it to say a lot of things about our view of network programming. If you read between the lines, or even on the lines, I'm sure you'll see what I mean.

Transcript
''{Text appears on screen: "Women appreciate creative input. Men appreciate silence." A man is heard snoring.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"The Network Deal" appears} And now, here's the man who changed the face of television by giving it a fat lip and a black eye, your host, my uncle, Red Green! {laughs}

''{Red enter the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He holds a tape measure, which he pulls in and out.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, appreciate it. Got some really good news this week up at the Lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I am so totally excited, Uncle Red! {giggles}

RED GREEN: Fine, that's fine, Harold. {to audience} Yep, yeah, this week, we're gonna have the very first ever Possum Lodge inflated hip wader contest.

HAROLD GREEN: What? What? No, no, I– I– I'm talking about the fact that, y'know, a big American television is mildly interested in our show!

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, oh, yes! How true, how true! One of the big three! Yeah, they might pick us up! You could be famous! The network executives think that you're very quirky! {points and waves finger at Red}

RED GREEN: I'm not quirky, Harold. {to audience} Anyway, the bunch of guys are gonna put on their hip waders, pack 'em full of dry ice. And as soon as the CO2 turns to a gas, y'know, they just start to... {mimics the sound of rubber inflation} Out they go. {opens up tape measure} And whoever gets the biggest diameter without blowin' 'em up wins! {back to Harold} See? I'm not quirky, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Right. Yeah, right.

Title sequence
''{The "The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red watching Buzz fly his plane by remote control.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Well, on this week's episode, we got a real surprise for ya. You think that's it?

''{Cut to a shot of a cluttered workshop with a mattress cut in half in it. Red gets out from under and looks around at the mess.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Well, you're wrong. You think that's it? No, that's not it, either.

{Cut to a shot of the Possum Lodge Word Game about to start; Red is the contestant, and the word is "Sex", to Harold's surprise.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We're getting close, but that's not it, either.

{Cut to a shot of a beautiful woman walking up close to Red.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell you what: I'll give you a great big hint.

Plot Segment 2
RED GREEN: {holding a pair of hip waders} Well, if I'm gonna win the first annual Possum Lodge inflated hip waders contest, I just gotta make sure I don't got any blisters. You don't want a weak spot in there, by golly. She lets go at full pressure, it'll blow you across the lake, I'll tell you that! {laughs} Yeah. Junior Singleton, he put his on, and to test them, he poured in a two-four of light beer, let 'er fizz around in there–

HAROLD GREEN: Excuse me, Uncle Red! Excuse me, it's just that, uh, "two-four" is local slang. You know, if we're gonna get a network deal, y'know, we just have to tailor the show a little bit that way, you know? So can you say, like, "case", instead of "two-four"?

RED GREEN: You told me I wouldn't have to change the show, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, no, no, not change. Never change. Oh, no, no, no. The network execs, they think you're quirky. Keep the quirk, keep the quirk, just, um... just– just tailor it that way. Tailor!

RED GREEN: {back to camera} Alright, alright, okay, so Junior poured a case of beer into his hip waders and it was really cold. It was almost freezing. It was like one or two degrees, you know, and it was really–

HAROLD GREEN: Excuse me, Uncle Red, excuse me, sorry. Is that like Celsius?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's just that one or two degrees Celsius might confuse our American viewers, y'know, 'cause they still use Fahrenheit, so can you use Fahrenheit? 'Cause Fahrenheit doesn't change the story, y'know? {pauses to think; looks up} Oh, no, see, it works for me!

RED GREEN: {shaking his head} Wait a second, Harold. It took me twelve years to change over. I'm not gonna change back.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, not change. Never change! No, no, no. Just say, uh, just say, "Fahrenheit". Just say, "Fahrenheit"!

RED GREEN: Lemme tell ya something, Harold, alright? I love the Americans. Like, I'm really happy the Americans are watching our show. But I'm not gonna change my tune now, okay? My tune happens to be "O Canada", okay?

''{The audience applauds. Harold looks nervous. He twists his fingers in his hands and finally claps nervously.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Yep, that's wonderful, that's fantastic! I just thought I might mention at this point in time and at this particular juncture that, uh, American TV stars get $50,000 an episode.

RED GREEN: ...Alright, well, my new tune is "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy".

The Possum Lodge Word Game
''{Harold walks up to Red and Dalton Humphrey at the card table, holding the word sign. This time, Red sits in the contestant's seat and Dalton sits in what is traditionally Red's seat.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, this is the big one! The grand prize is for a truckload of stuff we've picked up at the side of the highway. {to Dalton} Mr. Humphrey, you have thirty seconds to get my uncle to say this–

''{Harold whips up the sign, which displays the word "Sex". He glances and is suddenly unable to speak, laughing. Dalton pulls his head away, looking uneasy. Harold shakes the word as he stammers and laughs. He points the sign out to Dalton, who coughs. Harold glances at the sign again. Unable to speak, he laughs again and places the sign down on the card table and strokes it like a pet. Dalton, also unable to speak, simply clears his throat and coughs loudly.}''

RED GREEN: {dryly} Sex?

{Harold laughs loudly and slowly walks away from the table while Dalton rings the bell on the table a few times.}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red is playing guitar, Harold is clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, there's a guy named Jersey O'Brien,
 * Whose money was always spent.
 * He tried to buy whatever he could,
 * And whatever he couldn't, he'd rent.
 * The poor old guy went bankrupt so many times,
 * He was down to his very last cents,
 * When he got hard-on by the government,
 * As he advised to the Department of Finance.

Handyman Corner
{Red enters another part of the Lodge, carrying a suitcase.}

RED GREEN: You know, if this network deal comes through, I'm probably gonna have to do a lot of traveling: emotional trips, personal appearances, {puts suitcase on work table} avoiding relatives, that kind of thing. I tell ya one thing: I don't wanna be walkin' around carrying about 40 suitcases and a lot of weight on them and so on, so I thought I'd take this week at Handyman Corner to show you how the handy traveler packs a suitcase. {opens suitcase and pulls out a bag of toiletries} All right, first of all, you got your bag of toiletries. You know, you got your shampoo and your soap and your mouthwash and your deodorant and your foot powder and so on. Well... {tosses bag aside} you don't need that stuff, all right? You're a traveler, you're on the road. People expect you to smell a bit off.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has several different pairs of shoes on the table.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, shoes. I mean, shoes are nice, but they're heavy and they take up a lot of space. {pulls out a pair of tin snips and starts cutting one shoe at the sole} So I say get yourself tin snips, just cut the shoe right where the uppers are meetin' the sole. {looks at shoe} I don't know whose shoes these are, but I'm sure they'll thank me.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has finished cutting all the shoes off.}''

RED GREEN: Done! {places a pair of sandals on bench} All right, now all you have to do is just take one pair of sandals with ya, and then everyday, you can wear a different pair of shoes, or at least look like it by just putting the upper half over the sandals. {places the top halves of all the shoes on the sandals} So you got your formal, you got your running shoe, you have your Sunday casual, and probably the most popular, your casual. {picks up shoe soles} What it allows you to do, is to throw all the soles and heels away!

''{Red throws the soles aside. Wipe to a later scene. Red carries in various clothing articles and sets them on the table.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now you can start packing all your clothes. Your shirts, your pants, your jackets, whatever. And remember, one pair of socks and underwear for every week you're gonna be away. Now, I know hotels have their own towels, but they don't seem to dry as well as they should, so I like to bring my own. Same thing with sheets. I don't wanna be sleeping on something that 8,000 strangers have slept on or whatever. I feel the same way about hotel pillows. I just don't like them as much as my own. Don't know whether it's the smell or the feel, {picks up pillow} or maybe they're just not as sanitary as they need to be. {puts pillow on table} So I like to bring my own. And I can say the same thing about hotel mattresses; too flat, too smooth. I like to bring my own.

{Red leaves momentarily, then returns, struggling under the weight of a mattress.}

RED GREEN: But you know, Bernice is probably not gonna be coming with me on any of these trips, so actually, I only need half a mattress.

''{Red takes a chainsaw and uses it to cut the mattress in half. Wipe to a later scene. The mattress is completely cut in half.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, but how do we get the suitcase shut? Technology! {holds up some clamps} A few C-clamps, some other clamps, and a come-on. {puts clamps on bench} We'll get her all closed up. This is gonna take me a little while to horse this baby down, so why don't we get back to the show, and I'll call you when I'm ready.

Commercial bumper
''{Red and Buzz are seen together. Red is holding the shell of a model plane, the controls for which Buzz is holding. Buzz laughs maniacally.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned, Buzz is wired, but his plane isn't.

Plot Segment 3
{Harold stands behind a keyboard.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now, let's return to the mirth and mayhem of those wa-ha-ha-ha-cky guys up at Possum Lodge with my uncle, your host, Red Green! {points to front door}

''{Harold plays a tune on the keyboard. Red enters, wearing his hip waders. He looks annoyed. The audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: {walking up close to camera, making dismissive motions with his hands} Geez, get away, get away, get away! Go on, get out! Go on, go on, beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it! {to Harold} Harold! What the heck is that all about?!

HAROLD GREEN: It's not me, Uncle Red, it's the networks! You know, they– If we want an American audience, we gotta keep this thing moving; some pace! You know, neat, eh? Haw!

RED GREEN: I don't care about that stuff, Harold! I wanna– {stops; puts his head on his hand} Oh, you made me forget what I was gonna talk about!

HAROLD GREEN: That's okay, relax. We got cue cards!

RED GREEN: Cue cards? Since when?

HAROLD GREEN: Since now! I mean, you can't just come out here and blab! It's gotta be tightly scripted and network-approved!

''{A chair with a cue card on it is pushed in front of Red. Harold motions for it to be pushed closer. Red looks at Harold and shrugs. He looks at the cue card.}''

RED GREEN: All right, uh... {reads card} "When the gods are impaling their hog woofers..." {the card is pushed closer; looks even more closely} "While the gays are informing their hip wafers..." {the card is pushed right in Red's face; bends down to look at it} All right. "While the guys are inflating their hip waders, let's have a little visit from our special guest, George Clooney, star of the network series, E.R., aboard his fishing yacht, Talk About Luxury." {looks up; to Harold, much annoyed} Oh, Harold, I don't wanna do this!

HAROLD GREEN: What?

RED GREEN: I got the hip-wading contest going on out there!

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's just, you know, it's the networks. You know, they think, you know, that the hip-wading contest isn't what you'd call, um... {pauses to think}

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: Entertaining. So...

RED GREEN: Harold, are you kidding me? I got 20 guys out there packing their shirts full of dry ice! If that's not entertainment, I don't know what it is!

HAROLD GREEN: The polite term is quirky.

Visit With Buzz Sherwood
''{Red and Buzz Sherwood stand out on the dock. Buzz holds a remote control.}''

RED GREEN: Uh, kind of a special feature with, uh, Buzz here this week. Uh, kind of a hobby thing he's got goin'.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: You betcha, Red! Model airplane flying is, like, sweeping the nation! And is it any wonder, right? 'Cause, I mean, even if your license is {sourly} under suspension, {cheerfully again} you can still get out and enjoy the thrill of aviation! {suddenly turns around and looks out at lake} Whoa! Look at that!

RED GREEN: Boy, oh, boy! Now, how far can you get one of these things to go, Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: You know, I don't know. It's in the instructions; I didn't read them. Whoa!

{Red bends down and picks up the shell of a model airplane, which has some papers in them.}

RED GREEN: Uh, whos– whose plane is this?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: That's mine.

RED GREEN: Yeah...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yeah, but it's a little wussy for me, don't you think? So, like, I ripped the guts out of it and I put it in my plane, Beauty.

RED GREEN: {shocked} You mean you're flying a full-sized plane with radio controls?!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {laughs maniacally} Oh! Here she comes!

''{In the distance, they see Buzz's plane flying by. It curves slightly as it goes past them.}''

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Whoa, look at that Beauty!

RED GREEN: Wow!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Man, look at that turn!

RED GREEN: That's nice.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Isn't that cool?

RED GREEN: Flies better without you in it, Buzz.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: It does, doesn't it? {Red laughs} Man!

RED GREEN: Wow, that is big!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Flyin' straight!

RED GREEN: Wow!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Watch me say hi. See if I can say hello. Isn't that cool? {laughs maniacally}

RED GREEN: How do you slow her down for landing, Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: You know, I have no idea. I didn't read up on that part. {takes papers from model plane} Gimme that a second.

''{Buzz tries to look at the papers. Red, meanwhile, suddenly becomes nervous.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, oh, Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Um... {reads instructions} Connect...

RED GREEN: Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {overlapping} ...solar light 4, 8...

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Buzz? Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: ...at channel 5... Oh, great, so how's that gonna help me land it?

RED GREEN: {alarmed} Uh, Buzz, you– you got a problem here!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Not now, Red, I'm trying to figure out how to bring the plane down.

RED GREEN: {ducking his head} I don't think you have to worry about that anymore!

''{Suddenly, they hear the sound of the plane crashing into something, accompanied by a bright flash. Buzz looks over towards it and cringes.}''

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Ah! Oh...

Handyman Corner 2
{Red forces closed the clamp-laden suitcase.}

RED GREEN: And put 'er in there! Close 'er up, close 'er up, close 'er up! Got it! And there we are. See? You can take whatever you want as long as you know how to pack it right. {removes the clamps} Now I all I got to do is just get these clamps off of here, and I got so much stuff with me that wherever I go, it'll be just like home. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {waves goodbye} So long!

''{Red tries to pick up the suitcase, but it's too heavy. He tries and fails a second time, groaning with the effort. The suitcase begins to creak and stretch, rocking back and forth on the workbench.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I may have put in a little too much stuff in there. I may have to re– repack... {looks at the suitcase, panicking} Uh-oh! I think she's gonna blow!

''{Red dives under the worktable. The suitcase explodes, sending all of its contents flying all over the workshop. Red stands up under the half-mattress and looks around, dumbfounded.}''

RED GREEN: {dryly} Yeah, looks just like home.

Segue: Buzz Sherwood
{Buzz Sherwood is sitting on a bench next to his plane at the dock, with a box of chocolates on his lap.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: My mama always said, "Buzz, life is like a box of chocolates. SO PIG OUT!!!!!" {laughs maniacally and stuffs chocolates into his mouth, showing it off to the camera}

Plot Segment 4
''{Harold stands behind his keyboard, wearing a new, fancier suit. Red enters the Lodge, wearing his hip waders.}''

RED GREEN: Well, the Possum Lodge inflated hip wader contest has begun, and already, {holds up five fingers} five guys are out of the running.

{Suddenly, he hears the off-screen sound of rubber snapping, followed by a voice screaming.}

RED GREEN: {holds up six fingers} Six guys. Six guys out of the running. Man. And I'll tell ya, when those hip waders go, the rubber leaves a wealthy and light (?) on. {chuckles; looks to Harold, shocked} Harold! What is with you?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, what do you mean?

RED GREEN: {looking at Harold's suit} You're dressed funny!

HAROLD GREEN: I'm just trying to look nice for the network.

RED GREEN: Well, that's too bad, Harold, 'cause, you know, there's only 40 guys now left in the contest. {suddenly, the sound of rubber snapping and another voice screaming are heard} Thirty-nine. {to camera} You know, it's the hip waders. Some of them are real garbage. There's this one brand–

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Uncle Red, whoa, whoa! Excuse me, don't mention which brand name is the cheapest, please, because you might be offending a potential network sponsor.

RED GREEN: Harold, I don't think that many hip wader companies, y'know, advertise on network television.

HAROLD GREEN: Better safe than sorry.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, the safer we get, the sorrier we sound.

HAROLD GREEN: {anxious} Uncle Red, please, this network deal's a big thing! What about Michael J. Fox? He's a Canadian who made it big in Hollywood. And so it's Jason Priestly, and what about Keanu Reeves? {laughs} I could be the next Keanu Reeves!

RED GREEN: Well, what about me?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you, too! You could be, uh... Mary Pickford!

{Harold smiles at his uncle and to the camera.}

The Experts
''{Harold, Red and Hap Shaughnessy are sitting in the Lodge around a table. Harold sits in a recliner while Red and Hap sit in a two-person couch.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! On this week's Experts portion of the show, we have two experts, one being my uncle Red and, of course, the other being water taxi captain, Mr. Hap Shaughnessy!

{The audience applauds and Red and Hap wave to them.}

HAROLD GREEN: {taking out letter} This week's letter goes as follows: {reads letter} Uh, ba-dum-bum-bum– "Dear Experts, what is the greatest rock 'n' roll band ever?" Easy, R.E.M. {holds up fist} Ah!

RED GREEN: No, no, no, Harold, I'll tell you, the greatest band ever, Canadian band, The Guess Who.

HAROLD GREEN: I dunno, who?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, personally, I'd have picked The Rolling Stones, but since I was once part of their band... I guess– I guess the Stones shouldn't count.

HAROLD GREEN: What part of the band would you do? Chauffeur them around once or...

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, no, no, I played lead guitar for a few months, when Keith Richards was too ill, you know, with his... {mimics downing liquor from a glass}

HAROLD GREEN: Didn't the age difference get in the way at all, Mr. Shaughnessy?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, they won't that much older than me. Then afterwards, when Keith would go up to his room, I'd have to take care of all those women who wanted to meet him, the gropies. It was a good job, though; 350 bucks a night. I tell you, I would've paid them twice that much.

''{Hap taps Red on the arm. Red looks down to his side.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, wait a minute, what have we got here? {pulls out a guitar} Oh, for gosh sakes, guitar! {Harold puts his hands on his cheeks in mock shock; Red hands Hap the guitar} Here you go, Hap. Play us a little Rolling Stones music.

{Harold laughs.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Are you trying to embarrass me in front of my fans, Red?

RED GREEN: No, just trying to get a little satisfaction.

Explanations

 * The term "two-four" is a slang term meaning "a case of 24 beers".
 * One degree Celsius translates to 33.8 degrees Fahrenheit, and two degrees Celsius means 35.6 degrees Fahrenheit. So based on Red and Harold's remarks, the beer in Junior's hip waders would be about 33 to 35 degrees in there.

Trivia

 * Based on Red's comments, a total of 46 Possum Lodge members entered the inflated hip waders contest.
 * This episode is the first time a female character has appeared on the show.

Real-World References

 * Harold's quote about one of the American big three networks interested in the show refers to the Big Three networks, ABC, CBS and NBC.
 * Red mentions that his old tune is "O Canada" and his new one is "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy".
 * Buzz's scene with the box of chocolates is a reference to a scene in the movie Forrest Gump.

Famous People

 * At one point, Harold mentions to Red several Canadian-born people who made it big in Hollywood, including Michael J. Fox, Jason Priestley, Keanu Reeves and Mary Pickford.
 * Hap's favorite band is revealed to be The Rolling Stones, since he performed in it once, substituting once for Keith Richards.
 * Red's remark about "trying to get a little satisfaction" is a reference to the band's song, "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction", released in 1965.
 * In addition to The Rolling Stones, Harold and Red also think the best rock bands ever are R.E.M. and The Guess Who, respectively.

Fast Forward

 * In Swiss It Up, Red and Harold would again sell the show, this time to Switzerland.