The Network Deal

Harold convinces Red to let the show air on a major American television network, resulting in some drastic changes.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Red's Campfire Songs, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Handyman Corner, Adventures With Bill, The Experts

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 1

Transcript
''{Text appears on screen: "Women appreciate creative input. Men appreciate silence." A man is heard snoring.}''

Handyman Corner Part 1
{Red enters another part of the Lodge, carrying a suitcase.}

RED GREEN: You know, if this network deal comes through, I'm probably gonna have to do a lot of traveling: emotional trips, personal appearances, {puts suitcase on work table} avoiding relatives, that kind of thing. I tell ya one thing: I don't wanna be walkin' around carrying about 40 suitcases and a lot of weight on them and so on, so I thought I'd take this week at Handyman Corner to show you how the handy traveler packs a suitcase. {opens suitcase and pulls out a bag of toiletries} All right, first of all, you got your bag of toiletries. You know, you got your shampoo and your soap and your mouthwash and your deodorant and your foot powder and so on. Well... {tosses bag aside} you don't need that stuff, all right? You're a traveler, you're on the road. People expect you to smell a bit off.

{Red again digs into the suitcase and pulls out several different pairs of shoes.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, shoes. I mean, shoes are nice, but they're heavy and they take up a lot of space. {pulls out a pair of tin snips and starts cutting one shoe at the sole} So I say, get yourself tin snips, just cut the shoe right where the uppers are meetin' the sole. {looks at shoe} I don't know whose shoes these are, but I'm sure they'll thank me.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has finished cutting all the shoes off.}''

RED GREEN: Done! {places a pair of sandals on bench} All right, now all you have to do is just take one pair of sandals with ya, and then everyday, you can wear a different pair of shoes, or at least look like it by just putting the upper half over the sandals. {he places the top halves of all the shoes on the sandals} You got your formal, you got your running shoe, you have your Sunday casual, and probably the most popular, your casual. {picks up shoe soles} What it allows you to do, is to throw all the soles and heels away!

''{Red throws the soles aside. Wipe to a later scene. Red carries in various clothing articles and sets them on the table.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now you can start packing all your clothes. Your shirts, your pants, your jackets, whatever. And remember, one pair of socks and underwear for every week you're gonna be away. Now, I know hotels have their own towels, but they don't seem to dry as well as they should, so I like to bring my own. Same thing with sheets. I don't wanna be sleeping on something that 4,000 strangers have slept on or whatever. I feel the same way about hotel pillows. I just don't like them as much as my own. Don't know whether it's the smell or the feel, {picks up pillow} or maybe they're just not as sanitary as they need to be. {puts pillow on table} So I like to bring my own. And I can say the same thing about hotel mattresses; too flat, too smooth. I like to bring my own.

{Red leaves momentarily, then returns, struggling under the weight of a mattress.}

RED GREEN: But you know, Bernice is probably not gonna be coming with me on any of these trips, so actually, I only need half a mattress.

''{Red takes a chainsaw and uses it to cut the mattress in half. Wipe to a later scene. The mattress is completely cut in half.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, but how do we get the suitcase shut? Technology! {holds up some clamps} A few C-clamps, some other clamps, and a come-on. {puts clamps on bench} We'll get her all closed up. This is gonna take me a little while to horse this baby down, so why don't we get back to the show, and I'll call you when I'm ready.

Commercial bumper
''{Red and Buzz are seen together. Red is holding the shell of a model plane, the controls for which Buzz is holding. Buzz laughs maniacally.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned, Buzz is wired, but his plane isn't.

Handyman Corner Part 2
{Red forces closed the clamp-laden suitcase.}

RED GREEN: And put 'er in there! Close 'er up, close 'er up, close 'er up! Got it! And there we are. See? You can take whatever you want as long as you know how to pack it right. {removes the clamps} Now I all I got to do is just get these clamps off of here, and I got so much stuff with me that wherever I go, it'll be just like home. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {waves goodbye} So long!

''{Red tries to pick up the suitcase, but it's too heavy. He tries and fails a second time, groaning with the effort. The suitcase begins to creak and stretch, rocking back and forth on the workbench.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I may have put in a little too much stuff in there. I may have to re– repack... {looks at the suitcase, panicking} Uh-oh! I think she's gonna blow!

''{Red dives under the worktable. The suitcase explodes, sending all of its contents flying all over the workshop. Red stands up under the half-mattress and looks around, dumbfounded.}''

RED GREEN: {dryly} Yeah, looks just like home.

Segue: Buzz Sherwood
{Buzz Sherwood is sitting on a bench next to his plane at the dock, with a box of chocolates on his lap.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: My mama always said, "Buzz, life is like a box of chocolates. SO PIG OUT!!!!!" {laughs maniacally and stuffs chocolates into his mouth, showing it off to the camera.}

Trivia

 * Based on Red's comments, a total of 46 Possum Lodge members entered the inflated hip-waders contest.
 * This episode is the first time a female character has appeared on the show.

Real-World References

 * Buzz's scene with the box of chocolates is a reference to a scene in the movie Forrest Gump.

Fast Forward

 * In Swiss It Up, Red and Harold would again sell the show, this time to Switzerland.