Car Pool/Transcript

The complete transcript for Car Pool

Title sequence
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, the scene cuts to a shot of Harold striking a defensive pose.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Hi, this is Red Green. In today's show, Harold's gonna show ya some bully-proofing...

{Cut to a shot of Bill holding an ax and a saw, standing in front of a stand of trees, while the Possum Van goes by behind him and comes to stop, knocking down one tree in the process.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Bill's gonna take down a tree...

{Cut to a shot of Red speaking through a funnel attached to a siphon hose sticking out of a toilet.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'm gonna build a really neat intercom system.

''{Cut to an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshots appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.}''

Intro
''{The camera pans through the Lodge, past various items strewn about, until it reaches the main room of the Lodge. All the while, Harold introduces the show.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Here's the main reason we call this "The Red Green Show", the man who pays the bills and sometimes the Harolds. {laughs} Here he is, the small medium, Mr. Lodge, Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you. Thank you very much, and thanks for tuning us in. {to Harold} Small medium? What was that, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know! Don't you get it? Small, medium, lodge! Y'know, it's like a– a– a– a dwarf psychic at a resort. Or you know what else? It could be like, um, uh, like clothing size. Small, medium, lodge! {laughs}

RED GREEN: Yeah, you know, I wish I had an extra lodge. I'd send you into it. {to audience} By golly, I'm looking face-to-face with the opportunity of a lifetime here this week. Buster Hadfield, about three months ago, bought himself a brand-new twelve-passenger van. And, of course, it got repoed, you know. Buster– uh, Buster has taken them to court on that one. He says, as far as he's concerned, the ad was very clear. It said, "No money down, no interest, no payments, ever", okay? And the judge says, "Yeah, there is a plan like that, but it's called grand theft auto."

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Uncle Red, that is like a really awesome van, too. Haw! You know, if we– if we had a van like that, you know, I could drive all the cheerleaders to every football game, you know? And who knows? Maybe one day, one of them might acknowledge my existence. Y'know, like in a positive way.

RED GREEN: Well, you know, Harold, I think I can get ourselves a real good deal on that unit. All's I have to do is take over the payments.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but Uncle Red, what if there's more owing on the van than what it's worth?

RED GREEN: Oh, come on now, Harold. You think a bank is gonna lend somebody more money than they can pay back?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes. They do it all the time, but it's, you know, it's for rich people and governments.

RED GREEN: Right. But this is Buster, okay? Now, the whole thing comes down to the art of negotiation, which happens to be my specialty, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, really? {giggles} And how much did you pay for the Possum Van?

RED GREEN: Nothin', Harold. That was a gift from my parents for graduating from public school. That way, I wouldn't have to borrow my dad's car to drive to junior high.

HAROLD GREEN: We're a bit of a slow learner there, were we? {laughs}

RED GREEN: Well, it was a different world then, Harold. You know, we had the chores and the harvest and... of course, billiards. 'Course, all of us were in the same boat at that time, you know. The youngest guy in my high school class was always the teacher.

HAROLD GREEN: You're truly amazing, Uncle Red. I mean, there you stand in this age of information, with virtually no education, no insight, no special abilities. Certainly no people skills. Basically, an IQ of about, y'know, room temperature. And there you stand, sir, and I say this to you, that you are a tribute to the television standard.

RED GREEN: Well, thank you, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {sarcastically} You're welcome.

''{Harold plays his switcher. The show segues to the next segment.}''

Red's Campfire Song 1
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Up at the Lodge, we have a special vittle.
 * We call it newborn chili.

HAROLD GREEN: {singing} Chili...

RED GREEN:
 * It's part rabbit, so there's a hare in your soup,
 * Part turnip, part cabbage, part Philly.
 * Oh, the mitts are all up, with a pound of kN.
 * That's newborn chili all right.
 * We call it "newborn", 'cause it's lovely on the bottom,
 * And it makes a racket in the middle of the night.

Handyman Corner
''{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another part of the Lodge, where Red stands next to a worktable. On the table are a toilet and various pipes.}''

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you how to modernize your home, to make it not only more convenient for your family, but also easier to sell, when that day comes, which it will, when you can no longer motivate yourself to come up with the mortgage payment. {looks at toilet} All right, now, the first thing you're gonna need is about, uh, half a dozen of these previously-owned, personal, porcelain appliances. And I'll tell ya, you can pretty well name your own price on these units, because there is very little demand, surprisingly enough, for the used toilet. {picks up some pipes} Now, you're also gonna need a bunch of the ABS drain pipe {picks up a T-shaped pipe fitting} and a whole trunkload of fittings, y'know, the Ts and the elbows and what have you, so that you can connect all of this stuff into your existing drain system. Now, you can use epoxy cement on that, or you could use– you could use gum, or even pop rivets.

''{Red takes the fitting and attaches it to the pipe. Wipe to a later scene. Red has attached several fittings to the pipes and attached them all together with duct tape. One pipe sticks out of the bottom of the toilet.}''

RED GREEN: I prefer the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. Okay, now you put one of these units in each of the rooms that you use most often, and you hook 'em right into the drain system, like I've done here. Now, they say that a man's home is his castle. Well, now you can have a throne in every room. And put the unit right out in the middle of the room like this, because this is no longer a toilet. This is now a custom-made, room-to-room intercom system. A combination transmitter and receiver. {opens toilet seat lid} Or a transceiver, as we call it in the business. And the drain system becomes your distribution grid. {looking at pipe sticking out through the roof} And if you hook her into the roof breather, as I've done here, you now have a two-way public address system right out to your front door, so you can, y'know, greet your guests or tell the police that you're not home or whatever. {removes the inner workings of the toilet} Now, when you want to signal people on the second floor, instead of using a buzzer, take all the stuff out of the toilet {picks up a small bell} and get yourself a little bell like this. {rings bell} And then hook that right onto the flusher handle. {hooks bell onto flusher handle} And when you want to call somebody... {repeatedly pushes down on handle, ringing bell} Just like a phone. Now I imagine the bunch of ya's are asking, "Hey, Red, what about the smell?" Well, this is a question I've had to deal with throughout my life. And I must admit that you get one of these units into the dining room, the occasional puff of methane can put you off your dinner. And once she hits the candles, it'll put you off your seat. So the best way, the easiest way to keep yourself away from the odors of the underworld is to fire a little bit of water in there. {picks up a bucket of water} Not a whole bunch, just enough to fill the trap. {pours water into toilet bowl} Fumes? What fumes? Now, the only problem is, this also blocks the sound, creating what we call a breakdown in communication. {picks up a siphon hose} So what you do is you get yourself a gas siphon like this. This is the kind that you'd use at the mall while your wife's inside shopping. {sticks hose into toilet bowl into drain inside} And you stick this down into the water, 'cause you want to get all the way down and around into the drain pipe. {picks up funnel} And then you get yourself a funnel like this, which may be the kind you'd use, say, at a beer-drinking contest. {sticks funnel onto exposed end of funnel} And you stick that in the end. And this becomes your speaker microphone. Let's give her a try.

{Red rings the bell on the flusher handle and calls into the funnel to speak into the toilet.}

RED GREEN: Harold? {the sound of water tinkling is heard} Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: {speaking through toilet} Not right now, Uncle Red, I'm kinda busy. {audience laughs} Whoo!

RED GREEN: Well, she's as clear as a bell, isn't she? You know, we could actually use this to pump music all through the whole Lodge. Try to imagine the best of Boxcar Willy coming out of a john. Anyway, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {speaks into toilet again} I'm just gonna put you on hold there, Harold. {closes toilet lid} I'll get back to you. {walks off}

The Experts
{Harold stands in the Lodge basement beside a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now it's that part of the show where we expose the three little words that men find so difficult to say: "I don't know." {Red and Hap emerge from behind a door in the back and enter into the room} And here to prove that point on the "Experts" portion of the show is my Uncle Red and... Mr. Hap Shaughnessy.

''{Red and Hap wave. They all sit around the table, which has a weird black gizmo on it. Harold picks up a letter.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Here we go with our letter. Um... {points to black thing} our viewer sent this in, actually, for your professional analysis, so this ought to be interesting. It says, "Dear Experts, I found this doo-hickey while cleaning out my closet, and I'd like to know what it is and how it works. Please give me a clue. Signed, Clued Out."

{Pause}

RED GREEN: ...Is there any more information there, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: No. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, sorry, there is. It says, "I bet my wife twenty dollars that you guys will get this wrong."

RED GREEN: {looking at black thing} Well, I would say this is a piece of farm machinery of some kind. {leans in closer to feel it} If you look at the markings there–

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Don't touch it, Red! {shakes his head} What you have there is a top level, top secret explosive device.

HAROLD GREEN: Are you sure, Mr. Shaughnessy?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {sounding annoyed} Yes, Harold! {calmer} The Israelis use these, and the Turks. It's a kind of– kind of a plastic explosive, or "plastique". Only this one is metal, so it's called a... "metal-ique".

RED GREEN: {picks up thing} Well, Hap, I don't know what this is, either. I'll tell you one thing: we're not gonna waste any more time with it. Let's get on with the next letter.

''{Red tosses the thing aside. Suddenly, they hear an explosion that gets their attention. A few pieces of a bicycle fly through the air. Some land next to Harold, who picks them up.}''

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, somebody out there owes his wife twenty bucks. And somebody in here owes me an apology.

RED GREEN: It didn't explode, Hap, it landed on an aerosol paint can. So nobody owes anybody anything.

HAROLD GREEN: {holding up bike pieces} Somebody owes me a new bike...

The Winter of Our Discount Tent
''{Red is sitting on a bench in the snow, dressed in a heavy parka. He opens a book and starts reading.}''

RED GREEN: It is winter. The frozen rain turns the willow tree into a giant, shimmering chandelier. A million diamonds dance in its branches, or so it seems, as I look up through it. And to think I didn't even notice all this beauty until I slipped and fell flat on my back. This is my lucky day!

Visit With Glen Brachston
{Red walks up to Glen's R.V. He sees Glen sleeping underneath the R.V.}

RED GREEN: Glen? Glen! Oh, for gosh sakes!

''{Red climbs into the R.V. and cranks the starter motor. Glen startles awake and gets to his feet. He has a black spot on the center of his forehead. Red steps out of the R.V.}''

GLEN BRACHSTON: {panting} Oh! Oh, Red, it's you! Oh! I was having this dream I thought somebody was stealing my R.V. here.

RED GREEN: No kiddin'. What were you doin' under there?

GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, I was, uh– I was, uh, checkin' for an oil leak. {rubs his right eye} Didn't find anything, though.

RED GREEN: No? How long were you under there, Glen?

GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, not long. Um... {looks at his watch} Whoa! Is today Tuesday?

''{Glen taps his watch. Red looks under the R.V.}''

RED GREEN: I don't think she's leakin' too bad, but, uh... {rubs his finger on the spot on Glen's forehead and looks at it} Might be time to change the filter.

GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah, I was gonna get to that this afternoon. I was gonna do that today. But I got these customers squawkin' at me, y'know: "Fix my boat, fix my boat!" Like we're never gonna have another summer again.

{They suddenly hear the sound of a phone ringing.}

GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, excuse me, Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

''{Glen goes over to his garage, where the phone is heard ringing. He doesn't answer the phone, however, he picks up something and brings it over to the R.V.}''

RED GREEN: Glen, aren't you gonna answer that?

GLEN BRACHSTON: I just said I gotta put an oil filter in first, Red.

{Glen puts the filter by the R.V. as the phone rings a few more times, then stops abruptly.}

GLEN BRACHSTON: {noticing the phone not ringing anymore} There you go, Red. There's no such thing as patience anymore.

RED GREEN: You know, Glen, uh, we're trying to save a little money up at the Lodge. We thought we might, uh, start a car pool. You know, where you get all the guys traveling around in just the one vehicle.

GLEN BRACHSTON: {excited} Oh, that's a great idea, Red!

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah...

GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah, I got the eight-bucket recliners in here, I got the queen-sized bed, I got a fridge full of TV dinners, and both microwaves are fired up. Oh, Dolores and I can go at any second. We're on a 24-hour alert.

RED GREEN: Well, that's good, that's good, but actually, I was gonna use Buster Hadfield's twelve-passenger. You know, after I buy it.

GLEN BRACHSTON: {disappointed} Oh. Well, count me out, Red. {the phone rings again; suddenly furious} ALL RIGHT! Man! They buy a boat from me, I'd think they owned it!

RED GREEN: Uh, Glen, you know, it might be the guy from the R.V. place.

GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah, that's true. {walks to the garage} Phone's in on the table, Red. I appreciate it. {walks back to the R.V.}

RED GREEN: Oh, for gosh...! {storms toward the garage}

GLEN BRACHSTON: Now, if it's the R.V. guy...

RED GREEN: Yeah?

GLEN BRACHSTON: ...see if he's got that inflatable, rubber satellite dish for me.

RED GREEN: All right.

GLEN BRACHSTON: And if it's not... If it's not him, then just say, "No par-lez ang-lays," and hang up the phone.

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the Lodge, holding some rope.}

RED GREEN: Well, as I was said, negotiation is the key to most things in life, and I think I've come up with a little plan here that's gonna be able to justify me getting that brand-new twelve-passenger van.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I don't know, Uncle Red. That's not what I heard. Y'know, I mean, if you're talking about that car pool thing, 'cause all the people I talked to, they said they want to drive their own car. Y'know, it's like a control thing, you know. Men can be awfully finicky when it comes to their radio dials, you know? Guys get pretty picky when it comes to volume knobs!

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, thank you, Mr. Knob. {to audience} What Harold doesn't realize is that in my plan, all the guys will be in their own cars, 'cause what I'm gonna do is duct-tape all the vehicles together and then run this rope up to my twelve-passenger and tow the whole bunch of 'em. That's gonna be better for the environment, too.

HAROLD GREEN: Excuse me, Uncle Red, how do you figure that's better for the environment? Am I missing something?

RED GREEN: Well, you're missing so many things, Harold. But what I was referring to is that we only got one engine running, you see. And then I get all the guys to chip in for gas, so it's got some savings there. I mean, it's a terrific– I mean, I know there's gonna be a few wrinkles in it, but, uh, what the difference is, the guy that's got the best brakes, he'll got at the end. But, uh, we're gonna work it out. I feel that I got– This is smart. This is smart. Don't you think it's a smart plan, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {hesitating} Well... Well, have you actually paid for the van yet?

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, and are you gonna get a chance to actually, y'know, try this convoy-caravan-armada idea of yours, you know, before you do pay for it?

RED GREEN: Oh, sure, yeah, mm-hmm.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, okay, then, I guess I don't see a problem.

RED GREEN: Great, great. Thank you very much, Harold.

Red's Campfire Song 2
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Hoeing every hay field
 * And putting them in bales.
 * Picking all the pea pods
 * And putting them in pails.
 * It's time to reap the harvest.
 * We're going as fast as we can,
 * Trying to get the crops in
 * Before the farmer that owns this place comes out and starts shooting at us.

HAROLD GREEN: {singing} Again.

Harold's Segment
{Harold stands in front of a TV in another room in the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Now here's something for the young people, or as we call it, filler.

HAROLD GREEN: Ho! Hi! Well, welcome to the first-ever edition of...

{Harold gestures to a bicycle in the room, which has letter blocks on the seat placed to form the words BULLY PROOFING.}

HAROLD GREEN: ..."Bully Proofing".

{Harold karate-chops the blocks, causing some of them to fall off the seat and on the floor.}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} That's so great! {mimics the chop motion} Okay, alright, so maybe you had a similar high school experience where, y'know, like, a big kid comes along, right, and he knocks the books out of your hands and then he {makes a punching motion} punches ya, right? And he stands in your lip as he eats your lunch. Yeah, well, okay, it's not so bad the first few times, but eventually, you're eventually gonna want to know the art of... bully proofing!

''{Again, Harold karate-chops the letter blocks. More of them fall down. Harold winces in pain and shakes his hand.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Ah... Looks soft, doesn't it? Looks soft! But, there's numerous proofing techniques that– Looks soft! There's numerous proofing techniques throughout the times. Like, for instance... Oh, one of the good ones, right? Fleeing quickly. Oftentimes, a good one. Another one, the deadly garlic diet. {giggles; nods} Or perhaps the famous and Oriental technique of nunchuck. Ah, that's a good one, too. That's where you throw up on a person. But whatever you choose, the point is, you gotta stand up for yourself! So–

{Suddenly, the door behind Harold flings open and Red stands in it, looking angry.}

RED GREEN: {shouting} Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: {startled} WHAT IS IT?! {knocks the bike over} Uncle Red, what?

RED GREEN: Stop fooling around with all that stuff! {leaves, shutting the door behind him}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all right! {strikes a defensive pose} I don't even think so, buddy!

''{Red opens the door again. Harold nervously starts dancing after his defensive pose.}''

RED GREEN: And clean up all those blocks you knocked over!

HAROLD GREEN: Okay! All righty! {Red stands there, staring at him} Okay!

{Red steps back, shutting the door, but reopens it, staring at Harold, who whistles.}

HAROLD GREEN: {quietly} I should've vomited.

Visit With Dougie Franklin
''{Red is speaking with Dougie Franklin, who stands next to his monster truck. Dougie holds something. He walks over to the side of his truck and sticks to it what he was holding: a yellow sign reading STAY BACK.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I dropped in on Dougie Franklin because he was saying that he should be pulling the cars in the car pool with his monster truck instead of me in the twelve-passenger van.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: It's a matter of driving skills.

RED GREEN: Driving skills?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: I'm not saying you're a bad driver, I'm just saying, well... I've been in every type of automobile emergency imaginable, and, well, to you... I mean, uh... well, to you, a multi-vehicle smash-up is some kinda vague concept.

''{Dougie picks up another sign and sticks it on the back of his truck. It reads VEHICLES IN TOW.}''

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: But to me, well, it's a familiar experience. {shows off the junkyard area, which is full of wrecked cars} My drivin' record is here for all to see. This is not some sorta airy-fairy textbook knowledge you're looking at here, this is hands-on, head-on experience. I mean, I know everything there is to know about, uh, well... {points to different cars while saying:} head-on collision there, wrong way up a one-way street, whackin' a big guy at a crosswalk, tryin' to pass on a curve, you name it.

RED GREEN: Wow, that is, uh, quite an impressive record you got here, Doug.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: So... So I gotta drive, Red. I mean, truth be known, I'm a bit of a nervous passenger.

RED GREEN: Well, Dougie, all of a sudden, so am I. I'm sorry, but the van's gotta be up front.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Well, sure, okay, fine, I can sit this one out. Uh, no hard feelings, I guess.

RED GREEN: Oh, no, no. No, no. None. Believe me.

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the Lodge, holding various papers.}

RED GREEN: Well, the car pool idea was not an unqualified success.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Quelle surprise, sir! You got yourself a string of barely roadworthy vehicles all duct-taped together up to a twelve-passenger van! Moose Thompson up there on the roof, doing hand signals! {makes bizarre motions with his arms} Yeah, that's good. And I heard you got four traffic tickets!

RED GREEN: Well, you're dead wrong, Harold, it was five. And it would've been six, but luckily, Moose was licensed for an 18-wheeler.

HAROLD GREEN: Eighteen? How do you get 18 from five vehicles?

RED GREEN: Well, Junior Singleton had his motorcycle in there, so it was four fours and a two.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay.

RED GREEN: We were doing– We were actually doing real well 'til we got to the center of town, and, you know, uh, in hindsight, now, I think we should've decided ahead of time which way we were gonna turn at the intersection. The worst of it was Junior Singleton, because he had his ignition key turned off, which locked his steering.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, explain this to me. You got nailed for, like, crossing a median in both shoulders. You got failing to stop at two stops signs at the same time, you know? And then, uh, driving a train without a track. And, uh, what were the other two?

RED GREEN: {examining papers} Uh, having a parade without a permit, and, uh, passing on a hill.

HAROLD GREEN: So what happened? Are we buying the van?

RED GREEN: Oh, no, I'm not buying the van, not for that test drive. I mean, just the slightest load and that transmission overheats like you wouldn't believe it.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Squeal of the Possum. That's meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold, I'll be right down.

HAROLD GREEN: Okie-doke. {takes off his switcher and goes down into basement}

RED GREEN: {to camera} Well, uh, that's about it for this show, so if my wife is watching, uh... I'm just wondering if your brother-in-law is still with the traffic violation section of the police station down there, and if he is, what do you say we invite him and that zingo wife of his and then those four bratty kids over for, say, a barbecue tomorrow night? That'd be fun, wouldn't it? And to the rest of you, on behalf of Harold and myself and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, thanks for watching and keep your stick on the ice. {waves and heads for the stairs}

''{Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Bob Stuyvesant walks over to the front of the room, followed moments later by Red. Bob stands next to Harold, while next to Red are Hap and Glen.}''

HAROLD GREEN: All rise.

{Everyone stands and puts their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down.

{Everyone sits back down and Red picks up a clipboard and reads from it.}