The Boat Ramp/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know,

throughout history,

men have made some pretty

important statements...

Give me liberty or

give me death.

I regret that I have one

life to give for my country.

And the most famous,

nobody touches my stuff.

See, men are

territorial by nature,

and of all the things

in the natural world

that a man will

fight to hold onto,

nothing is more sacred

than the t.V. Remote.

We're watching t.V.,

we hold on to this thing like

a fat kid with a corn dog.

Every now and then you need

to have both hands free.

Like when you want

to pick up your beverage

and the snack bowl

at the same time.

And in that split second,

your wife steals the remote

and the next thing you know,

you're watching dr. Phil.

This is a good

time to remember

the second law of

marital dynamics...

She won't steal what

she can't use.

See, this remote doesn't

have any batteries

in it at all.

They're duct taped

to my wrist here,

and you see these wires.

They're connected to the rings

that I have on my fingers,

which just happen to line up

on the contacts on the back

of the remote.

Happy flipping.

Oh, never could

remember which finger

the wedding ring goes on.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Sorry I'm a little bit late.

We were trying

to launch my new boat.

Boy, she's a beauty.

Classic, wooden hull.

Got a little

bit of rot in her,

but it was only 30 bucks

including the air fresheners.

The problem is the

darn boat ramp.

We've got so many

sunken boats,

tow vehicles and

snowmobiles in there

you have to actually pry your

trailer through the shipwrecks.

[ applause ]

this is not funny.

Harold, I told you

to stay in the boat.

It sank to the bottom!

You said that wouldn't

happen again.

It's the darn

boat ramp, harold.

There's so much

sunken crap in there.

That's the problem.

Well, call the people

that left all their

stuff in there

to get them to

haul it out.

People can't be

bothered doing that.

How do you know?

Because it's my

stuff and I can't

be bothered doing that.

See, all we got to do is

build a new boat ramp

over the

old boat ramp.

Oh, what do you know about

building boat ramps?

Oh harold, it's

pretty darn simple.

It's like gravity,

like being a plumber.

All you got to remember

is that water goes

downhill

and payday's Friday.

No, it's not

like plumbing.

It's engineering.

Please, do me a favour.

Please!

Just build a scale model

of the boat ramp first.

Oh, harold.

Yeah, because if

it works in miniature,

it will work in

normal size.

All right.

All right, okay.

But I want you to think

about the plan that

I come up with

and see if it makes

sense in your mind.

I will be happy

to do that.

Good, because if

it works in miniature,

it'll work in normal size.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

yes, sir, and today's

prize is a coupon

to have your picture

taken with bobo,

the world's largest rabbit.

He stands four foot tall

at the shoulder

and each ear

weighs 50 pounds.

Oh, warning, do not

shout around bobo

or dress up as a carrot.

Okay, red --

cover your ears.

You got 30 seconds to get

winston to say this word...

Yeah, okay,

all right.

And... Go!

Ah, okay, winston,

if you know somebody

and you can reveal your

personal secrets to them

and they won't

tell anybody,

what kind of

friend is that?

An imaginary one.

Okay. No. No. No.

This is something people

do behind closed doors.

Hide?

Remember when harold got

mad because we all

read his diary?

That's because the things

that were written in

there were...

Hilarious.

Time's almost up, red.

Okay, winston,

you know I never talk about

bernice and I

and the things that

we do, you know,

like later on in the

evening at night, okay,

because it's...

Boring.

No, we're talking about

what bernice and I do

in the bedroom.

Oh, right.

Renovations.

You have no idea what goes on

in the bedroom, winston?

Well, I doubt there's

much going on between

you and bernice

if that's what you're

trying to intimate.

Yeah. That's it.

Welcome to the expert

portion of the show.

This is the part of the

program where we examine

those three little words that

men find so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

That's 'cause it's true.

Okay, here's

today's letter,

goes as follows...

"dear experts" --

la la la.

"I've been happily

married for 23 years,

"but lately an attractive

woman at my office

"has been making

passes at me.

"how can I tell her

that I'm not interested

"without hurting

her feelings?

"has this ever

happened to you?"

um --

dalton?

I'm still stuck on

the happily married part.

Oh, brother.

You guys.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

It's not like we haven't

had beautiful young women

pursuing us, harold.

Yeah, yeah,

that's right.

We're just trying to

remember what we did

in each individual

circumstance.

Maybe you woke up?

Any chance you'll ever

wake up, harold?

You know,

I remember now.

Once I was with pam stubbs

in port asbestos, you know.

And there we were all

alone in her office.

She reaches over

and she closes the door.

She starts asking

me a whole bunch of

personal questions.

She reaches over,

she starts

touching my knee.

She's an arthritis

specialist, dalton.

Okay. Well, okay.

I suppose all sorts of women

are interested in you.

Well, as a matter

of fact I do.

Yes, I do.

In fact I do.

And the other day, I heard

old man sedgwick's daughter

tell harold that she really

likes my furry beard.

She didn't say she

likes your furry beard.

No, she said she thought

you were very weird.

Well, I can see we need

someone here with some

personal experience,

which is me,

la la la.

This should be good.

Well, my advice

to this viewer

is that you simply take

this person aside,

in private,

and say, although someone as

wonderful as them is

very tempting,

it simply cannot be.

Actually,

that's not bad.

Yeah, but what

if it doesn't work?

Oh, then you got

to be firmer.

Yeah, you just say,

okay, I'm not interested

and I never could be.

You know, and you got to

stop hanging out in

front of my house,

and you got to stop telling

your friends that you're

going out with me,

and if you don't I'm going

to call the police on you,

harold green.

[ applause ]

you know, you try your

best to save the environment.

Switch to an

electric lawn mower,

where does it get you?

Back to the hardware store

for another 100 feet of

extension cord.

Don't worry, as usual,

I've got a better idea.

First thing we have to

do is take down this

chain link fence.

I'm sure some of you

have seen streetcars,

and if you're not

familiar with streetcars,

I'm sure you're

driven bumper cars,

and if you're not

familiar with bumper cars,

you're probably not

watching this show.

We're going to use

that same technology

to make our modified

electric lawn mower here.

See, you've got two wires

coming off the electric motor.

I attach one of them to

the frame of the mower,

and the other one I attach to

this fence post here.

Some of you may have

already noticed

that I've replaced the standard

issue rubber lawn mower tires

with these

clothesline pulleys

because they're metal and

they conduct electricity.

Not that you need to be metal

to conduct electricity,

as old man

sedgwick found out

when he relieved himself

onto a power transformer.

Okay, the only other

modification we need here

is to make a softer contact

point for my fence post.

Done.

Okay, so instead of

hooking the lawn mower up

direct with an extension cord,

which I've run over for

the third time this month,

only to find out that

the warranty covers

their mistakes,

not mine,

I've got a different way

to hook up the electricity.

Took one wire,

attached it to this spike

I've got in the ground, see,

and that connects to the metal

wheels on the lawn mower.

And then the other wire

I attached to this

electric grid

that I've made out of

the chain link fence.

Once the leaf rake connects

to that, you see,

that closes the circuit,

makes the lawn mower go.

Isn't that a lot safer

than lugging around a

dangerous extension cord?

So remember, if the

women don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

And now,

if you'll excuse me,

I've got to save

the environment.

I want to talk

to you older guys

about your good looks --

or more specifically,

where they went.

Now, you may think that your

handsome, youthful body

is behind you,

but the people standing back

there may not necessarily

agree with you.

You look bad,

but here's the good news...

You look way better

than you're going to look.

Unless, of course, you start

eating right and exercising.

Yeah!

Okay, sure, I'm suppose

you could start wearing

makeup and a girdle and have

some cosmetic surgery,

but you know what?

That's for guys who bake pies

and make their own curtains.

I got a better idea.

As your looks

start slipping,

so should your standards.

You don't have to look good.

You just have

to look good enough.

Don't get a facelift.

Just sit near a basset hound.

You'll look fine.

Don't make

any effort at all.

See, apathy is the key to

a youthful appearance.

I mean, teenagers don't

care about anything.

See how young they look?

And don't worry about people

saying you let yourself go.

They've already been saying

that about you for 10 years.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

I guess I'm just lucky.

Well, some people go through

their entire lives

without ever really knowing

their true purpose.

But for me ever since

I was a young boy,

I've known that I was put on

this earth to suck sewage.

Oh, sure, yeah, the kids

used to tease me a bit.

They'd say, winston

likes to suck sewage

or, there goes winston

the sewage sucker.

Or I also remember

them saying,

hey, winston, why don't

you go suck some sewage?

You know,

that type of thing.

But where are

those kids now?

Okay, well, actually,

a lot of them have done

pretty well for themselves,

but that's not

the point, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I think when folks call me

they know they're

getting a real person.

Yeah, sure, you could call

one of those big,

faceless multinational

sewage sucking companies,

but, you know,

it's not always about

who has the

biggest truck, right?

It's about --

it's about people,

people with, uh,

septic tanks.

If you're having a problem,

call me.

We'll talk.

I'm here to

lighten your load.

[ applause ]

I don't know what it is

about a middle-aged guy

and the sound

of running water.

If I was deaf,

I would've had

this done an hour ago.

Uncle red, here's the

board that you wanted.

No, no, no.

It's not a board.

That's my model

boat ramp.

See, I'm doing what

you said, harold.

I'm building the whole

thing in miniature,

see, 'cause arguing is

just a waste of time

and energy.

Now, that sounds

like a mature man.

No, it sounds like a

married man, harold.

Now you see

this tub here?

That represents

possum lake.

Well, that can't be.

This is water.

And you see all

this scrap here?

That represents the various

boats and towing vehicles

that have come to

an untimely demise

during the

launching process.

Now, is this to scale?

It's a little low,

but I ran out of

broken toys.

And now, of course,

what we have here

is the tow vehicle,

and we got the boat

that we're actually

trying to launch.

That is so cute!

All right.

All right!

I'll be sure to tell

ken and barbie that

you liked it.

Now, we just --

see, we just put our boat

ramp into place just

like that, see?

Ah!

Yeah. Yeah.

How do you

get on to it?

Oh, no, okay, you see,

you drag her back

just past the halfway point

and she slips down this way.

Then you take your unit

and as you do it,

simple as this,

you back her up,

back her up, back her up,

then once you get past

the halfway point, see --

red: We had a problem.

We had kind of

a flash flood,

and we knew that the water

was going to come up

in possum lake

because moose thompson had

done a cannonball up near

port asbestos.

And it was

coming up over,

and we knew we had to do

something and do it quick.

And we had this

boat out the back,

and she wasn't

in the best shape,

and we thought if we could

get her out of the way,

move her out,

because she doesn't float.

And unfortunately, she's

pretty heavy and kind of

rotted into the ground,

so we thought, you know,

rather than trying to

move the boat

what we can do is to

build kind of a dyke,

a wall around it.

Just needed a

couple of shovels.

Okay, this is the down side

of never cleaning

out your van.

I'm not saying you have

to clean out your van.

Just that if you're not going

to clean out your van

and you're trying to get

a shovel out of her,

you got to be

pretty creative.

So now the idea is we're

going to dig up some sand

and we're gonna

make some sandbags.

So I'm telling

dalton and walter

to go to get us some bags.

Any kind of

bags you can get.

So dalton sees

a garbage can there

and figures he'll just

use those garbage bags.

So we got a fair

amount of sand there,

and then walter shows up,

and I was impressed

that he had emptied

the garbage bags first.

And I asked him, where did

you empty them exactly?

And then.

I definitely got

to clean out that van

one day soon.

So we started making

the sandbags

and did kind of like

a bucket brigade unit there.

I mean, they're heavy.

They are heavy.

And you just sort of

move one guy down to

the next and so on.

The water was starting to come

up but we're getting there.

You just start slow

and watch out for

the shovel there, dalton.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy...

No, we're good.

So get that out of there.

I didn't realize it had

actually cut the bag,

and this one wasn't quite as

heavy as the other one.

And I don't know quite what

you're going to do with

that one, dalton.

Anyway, time went by

and we eventually

got all the bags made up.

And dalton's wondering

how high the water is

at this point.

She was coming up

pretty good.

So walter, get

a boost up there,

reach over the side,

and see how high the water is.

You can actually feel it.

Water's pretty close --

oh, my gosh.

Look out. Look out. Look out.

Oh, oh!

It's your wake-up call.

And put that back

where it belongs.

There you go.

Look at the water,

it's right up there.

Suddenly, I remember,

the possum van.

Oh, my gosh.

It's caught out there.

So walter says

he'll go and get it.

He's gonna put the

life thing on,

and he's gonna use the

rope from the boat to

anchor himself

so he can control

the flood and so on,

because we're pretty much

at the height over there.

She's startin'

to come down a little bit.

What he didn't realize is

that there's a fair bit

of current going there

and it's starting

to pull on him real hard

and he actually ended up

pulling the boat

up and over

the wall of dyke.

And by then, of course,

the water had run away

and there's walter.

Okay, everything's good.

Well, look at this.

I did get the

possum van cleaned out.

You know, one of the

important differences

between canada and the

states is that up here

we get a $2.40 refund for

a case of empty beer bottles.

Oh, sure, up here,

a case of beer costs $20 more,

but that only

matters if you're buying.

See, but the problem is

our american friends

end up with all these

empty cases of beer,

and they're looking for

suggestions on what

to do with them.

Well, here's a natural...

An outdoor urinal.

Kinda completes

the circle, doesn't it?

And in keeping with

the beer case motif,

I cut up a refrigerator box

and made flaps for

the top of the unit

so that it closes up,

just like the real thing.

And the beauty

of this design,

in the good weather,

you can just push up on the

roof, make yourself a skylight.

Mind you, you know, it's not

all that dark in here

'cause I added a few

beer bottle windows.

They let the light in,

but they still

maintain your privacy.

And it's your

choice on those.

You can go with the

standard brown longnecks,

or, for a little

taste of mexico,

try the clear bottles,

and if you really want to

impress the neighbours,

go with the green imports.

Now, the toilet itself

is an empty keg.

Just crack the lid up,

and you're in business.

Oh, sure, it's a

little cramped,

but as I say,

this is a men's urinal...

Standing room only.

My mother always said

it's not good for your

health to sit in a draft.

It was a good idea

to build a model.

You know, harold was right.

Boy, that's hard to say.

But we got her

all figured out.

We actually got the real thing

out for a trial run there.

Mike's actually going

to be our test pilot.

Okay, mr. Green, I'm all

set to drive the possum van.

Have you got

the keys?

No, I think

they're in it.

Not a problem.

But mike, what if

they're not in it?

Not a problem.

Hey, uncle red.

Harold, we've had a bit

of a breakthrough here.

We don't actually have

to get the possum van

over the scrap,

we just got to get the

boat to go over the scrap.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah.

So what we did was we

moved the marina

outhouse --

'cause nobody

uses it anyway,

unless there are

women there,

and then that becomes

the fulcrum for

our boat ramp.

Right.

But where we were

going wrong is that

the teeter-totter thing

didn't have enough

oomph to her.

So I duct-taped a couple of

hockey sticks together

to hold the ramp up.

Then I firmed up the hitch

on the possum van,

so now when the

possum van comes up,

it hits the

hockey sticks and...

[ applause ]

all right, harold.

Let's see how it works

in the normal world, huh?

Yeah, but you don't live

in the normal world.

Okay, mike,

let her go.

[ engine starts ]

keep your eye on the lake,

watch for the splash.

[ crash ]

oh, no!

[ cheers and applause ]

[ possum squealing ]

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Followed by

question period.

Okay,

you go ahead,

I'll be right down,

harold.

Okay, uh,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and as hugh hefner once said,

you eventually get too old

to be fooling around

with models.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself, harold

and the whole gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

All right, men,

I need a show of hands,

anybody who's willing

to help clean up the

crap out of the boat ramp.

Okay, okay, I'll

sweeten the deal.

You get to keep whatever

you haul out of there.

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