The Conveyor Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Or he'll start using it

for something

it was never intended to do.

Of course, then it breaks,

and it gets added

to that pile of junk

he's got out in the backyard,

which only serves to highlight

the stupidity

of the initial purchase.

It's not smart or correct,

but it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ moose grunts ]

[ water splashes ]

I'll tell you,

if you like conveyor belts,

you're gonna love today's show.

Plus, we got

dougie franklin here

giving us all kinds of advice

on nothing of value.

I'm gonna show you the wrong way

to make an entrance,

and I get to give bill

the run-around.

And now here's the man

that time tried to forget

but eventually just ignored,

my uncle, red green!

Ahh! Ah-ahh!

Ahh-ahh!

Red: Thank you.

That's very nice.

Thank you.

I feel that I know you all now.

So I'd like to share

a family embarrassment --

my nephew, harold.

[ keyboard clacking,

engine sputtering ]

wa-a.

Big week up at the lodge

this week.

Buster hadfield's brother,

who has had an ongoing struggle

to find gainful employment,

headed out west 'cause he heard

there was a big oil boom

going on out there.

He just went now?

I mean, the oil boom

has been over for 10 years.

He just went now?

No, no, he went 12 years ago.

He just got there now.

He walked.

He walked to alberta?

Uncle red, that's like 3,000

miles or 4,000 miles or --

how far is it?

Too far to walk.

See? Exactly.

Wa-a-a.

Did he get a job?

No, no,

way better, harold.

He went down

to that tarzan project.

Things were slow,

you know?

And they were selling

everything off --

industrial equipment

and clothing -- dirt cheap.

He didn't buy anything,

did he?

I mean,

if he doesn't have a job,

he shouldn't be thinking

about buying things.

Oh, yeah, well,

he couldn't resist.

He got himself a hard hat

and a 12-mile conveyor belt.

Now he's gonna bring that

back with him,

and he and buster are gonna go

into business of some kind.

He's asked a bunch of us to come

up with some ideas for it.

Well, I bet

you'll have lots of ideas.

Yeah, yeah,

something good, harold.

Well,

there's a long shot.

[ chain saw revving ]

sorry.

We're closed.

[ pulley squeaks ]

♪ he had cuts all over his chin

and his neck ♪

♪ and all the way down

to his waist ♪

♪ the doctor went through

nine spools of thread ♪

♪ just to put a smile

back on his face ♪

♪ he fought back the pain,

propped himself up, ♪

♪ ate some old cheese

on a cracker ♪

♪ and promised the doctor

never again ♪

♪ would he try shaving

with a weed whacker ♪

wa-a-a-a.

Today on "meet your member,"

I got my good friend

dougie franklin here

who's gonna tell us a little bit

about himself.

Thank you, red.

Well, I'm building a monster

truck from the frame up,

out of an old k-car,

actually.

And, now, there's

a bit of irony there,

you know, when you consider

the number of those babies

I've crushed

over the years.

I thought "k" stood

for "crush," actually.

Well, you know,

I kind of meant

maybe something

a little more personal

about yourself, you know?

Okay, okay.

Yeah,

uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, I got the brakes.

I got the assembly,

brake assembly ready to go.

I got

the four-wheel drive unit

just prepared to drop in there

and...

You want more personal stuff,

like my cab, maybe the interior?

Let's go a different way

on this, uh --

all right.

Maybe, doug --

uh, maybe you could tell us

a little bit about, uh --

about your family,

your family life,

that type of thing.

Well, I don't think

there's a person alive

that could have had a better

home life than I did, red.

I mean, you know, my daddy

used to drive me to school

every day

in his '57 chevy long box

pickup truck

with the

turbocharged 427...

...Ported and relieved.

He could lay a patch

of rubber

the entire length

of that teachers' parking lot.

All right, uh, well,

what about your mother, huh?

Tell us about your mother.

That would be good.

Not really much to say there,

not much to tell you.

I mean,

she was a lovely woman.

Yeah, yeah.

But, uh...

She didn't drive.

[ quacking ]

well, if buster hadfield

and his brother

are making

that big conveyor belt,

I thought I'd take

the "handyman corner"

and show you how to make

a small conveyor belt,

one that you can use

right inside your house,

whether it be to bring snacks

from the kitchen

all the way over

to your recliner rocker

so you don't have to get up

off your duff

and miss

your favorite commercials

or maybe to use to bring laundry

up from the basement

or even to haul yourself up

to bed on those odd occasions

when you're overserved in

the brewed-beverages department.

All right, now, the first thing

that you're gonna need

to make a conveyor belt

is a piece of a conveyor belt.

And where you get that is you

cut a piece off a conveyor belt.

Now, if you don't happen

to have a conveyor belt,

I'll tell you what --

they use a lot of these

at the construction sites,

and, uh, here's another clue --

they don't usually work

on a Sunday

'cause there's no traffic

to block.

Now, you're gonna need something

to put the conveyor belt on.

It's got to slide

over something.

So, you get one

of these old wooden ladders

with the round rungs so the belt

can slide over easily,

just like you slide her

down easily

when you come down by surprise.

It'll work perfectly.

Now, we'll need something

to actually drive the belt.

I would suggest you use

one of the old ringers.

Remember the old wringer washer?

On a Saturday morning, mom would

be down in the basement there,

running your dad's shirt

and your dad's personality

through the wringer

all at the same time.

Now, of course, you got to have

an electric motor in there.

To drive that wool ring,

you could use

the normal electric motor

off the machine itself

if you're a wuss.

But if you're a real man...

...How about one

of those babies, huh?

This here is the electric motor

off the swing bridge in town,

or at least

it used to be until, uh --

well, until

they weren't looking.

Sometimes

when you're a handyman,

you have to make

executive decisions.

Anyway, with the swing bridge

not working,

that just means there's

no sailboats on possum lake,

so it's good for the community.

All right, talk is cheap.

Let's build.

All right,

I got the conveyor belts

all laid out

around the ladder here,

and I got her up

and through my wringer,

and then I got

the wringer hooked up

with the drive belt

down to my biggie, super-duper,

hunkasaurus electric motor.

Now, I wasn't quite sure

how fast this motor would go

'cause I know she develops

20 horsepower at 1750 rpm.

And then the belt, of course,

is 18 feet long,

so you figure

and then multiply...

Turns out to be

pretty darn fast.

So, I thought

I would hook her up

to a 250-watt light dimmer here.

Sure, it cost 5 bucks,

but I don't scrimp on safety...

Unless it's like 10 bucks.

Now, another problem I had

is that the motor runs

on 550 volts,

whereas at the lodge here

we only have 110 volts

on the good days,

which is only 1/5.

But I solved that one

easy enough.

I just added five plugs onto

the -- two, three, four --

there we are,

the fifth plug here --

and five plugs onto the motor,

and that way she all works out.

[ electricity crackling ]

now, let's say

I wanted to take this box

of candies and jelly doughnuts

and assorted things that I like

to snack on -- whoa --

and I wanted to move this

into another room.

All's I have to do

is stick her on my conveyor

and, uh, grab my dimmer

and just, uh, turn it on,

give her a shot.

[ engine humming,

metal rattling ]

I guess she needs

a little more juice.

Maybe those jelly doughnuts

are heavier

than I thought they were.

Why don't we open her wide open?

Oh, no, wait a sec.

There's the problem.

The belt's caught

in the wringer here.

Whoa!

Well, that -- that worked great.

Did I say "conveyor belt"?

I meant "catapult."

remember -- if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ crash ]

I hope the neighbors

enjoy those treats.

Stay tuned.

Bill's gonna stretch himself

to the limit,

and glen and I

are gonna show you

why fat guys shouldn't do stuff.

You know, a lot of people my age

don't like rap music.

They say rap music isn't music,

not even poetry.

Just a bunch of people taking

revenge on the english language

by turning it

into a set of drums.

And the rappers have

kind of strange names,

you know, like ice bucket

or zap zipper.

But I like rap music

'cause you don't need

any talent, you see?

This is something I could do.

I could make those, uh,

finger motions at the camera

while I'm chanting dirty

limericks to some metronome.

And I can hire

the under-dressed groupies

slithering away

in the background there,

feeling their bodies

like they're checking for moles.

I could even change my name,

call myself ice green

or master red def jam

or xcuse-e-me.

I could be huge --

not good, but huge.

[ chain clicking ]

well, we got

buster's big conveyor belt

all put together.

And you should have seen

how dirty some of the guys got.

Uncle red, you have no idea

what you're doing.

You should not be putting

that thing together.

Well, harold,

if your parents

had any idea

what they were doing,

they wouldn't have put you

together either.

Anyway, buster and his brother

have now established

a 12-mile strip of moving rubber

right down the middle

of possum county.

What an eyesore.

And around here,

that's saying something.

Harold, one man's eyesore

is another man's monorail.

Monorail?

The hadfield rubber rocket.

They're gonna use it

to replace the school bus.

Everybody just throws their kids

on the belt, and off they go.

Their problem is there's

no reverse on the motor,

so the kids will have to

walk home.

Unless you make it part of

the physical-fitness training,

you know, 'cause I bet

it would be good exercise

for the kids

to try and walk home

against a treadmill

going the other way

'cause that's how they train

astronauts and stuff, you know,

so they're okay in malls

and that.

Well, I suppose if they got

the motor going slow enough

so the kids

could make headway

without burning the bottoms

out of their pf flyers.

'cause, you know,

if they slip off,

they're going

right back to school.

Tell me about it.

I was in grade 4

three years in a row.

[ chain saw revving ]

and here we are at braxton's

marina with glen braxton.

How are you today, glen?

I'm fine, red.

Great.

That was

just a false alarm,

just a little touch

of angina.

So, officially, I've still only

had two heart attacks.

Well,

today's boating tip --

today we're going to preserve

the finish on the boat.

So, what you need is a

high-quality polymer/resin/wax

and a damp, clean cloth...

More damp than clean.

So, we got to, um,

hop up here, red.

[ grunts ]

[ grunts ]

okay.

Uh, now, what we got to do

is we got to get a little

of the rosin on the clean here.

And --

well, there you go, red.

Maybe you'd like to do it

so you can learn by doing.

No, it's okay.

I don't learn by doing.

You go ahead, now.

Okay, sure,

I guess I can do it.

Maybe you could run out

and grab my nitro pills for me

in the boathouse.

All right.

So, what you need to do is some

nice big circular motions.

And when it dries,

then you take it off

with a clean rag --

uh, cleaner rag.

How did you learn

about this stuff, glen?

Not by doing,

obviously.

Oh, no.

By watching, red.

I only wish I could learn

by doing,

but my health

prevents that.

I find my lot in life is just

giving advice, you know?

Like you guys with your conveyor

school-bus rig there.

You know, I think you guys

might want to try that out

on yourselves

before you get

any of my kids on there.

Oh, yeah, we don't want

all seven of your daughters

on there at the one time,

anyway.

I'll tell you that.

Was that some sort

of fat shot, red?

They're heavy, or...

Oh, no, no.

No, no, no, I --

what I meant was,

we don't want you

all stressed-out,

you know, having

all your kids at risk.

Okay, I think

that's pretty well got her.

That was great.

That's a great demonstration.

Thank you very much,

glen.

Oh, red, uh, uh, y-you need

to finish it up, red.

I promised a guy

I'd have it done by 2:00.

You don't mind, do you?

Yeah, I do mind.

I got things to do.

Sorry, glen.

Well, ok--

well, sure, I guess

I-I can do it myself.

Uh, I just hope it's not

the last thing I ever do.

Oh, all right.

Can I get you a doughnut

or something, red?

It's mail call.

[ bell rings ]

wa-a-a-a!

This week we got

a really neat letter in.

Look at this one,

uncle red.

It's all art on there

and some designs and stuff.

It's neat.

Oh, boy, boy.

You know, harold,

I wanted to be

a struggling artist

at one time,

but I just couldn't put up

with the bahamian lifestyle.

That's bohemian lifestyle,

uncle red.

It's bohemian.

Whatever, you know,

I-I wanted to do that,

but, uh, boy, you see

the way they live in the --

the filth, you know,

and the bugs and the rats

and nothing to wear,

penniless, hungry

all the time -- no, thank you.

Well,

that's how you live now.

No, harold, I'm not hungry

all the time, you know.

I was real serious

about being an artist.

I got a beret and a whole --

but, again, as I say,

I couldn't put up

with the bulgarian lifestyle.

Bohemian.

Yeah, well, whatever.

I settled down and

got myself married, harold.

Well, I was gonna be

an artist, too.

Yeah, I took one

of those life drawing classes,

you know,

where you draw life.

Ha ha. You know?

You just -- there's like

life figures, and you draw them.

Nudes, harold?

Exactly -- wa-a-a!

They had

a nude model come in.

Oh -- naked.

I got so nervous I sharpened

my crayon right down to a nub,

and I swallowed my eraser.

The model had to come

running over

and gave me a heimlich

maneuver -- saved my life.

And did this nude model

give you mouth-to-mouth

resuscitation?

Well, he wanted to.

[ explosion ]

red: It's time

for "adventures with bill."

bill had something kind of

modern on his mind today --

gonna get himself into shape.

There's a lot of people

who are doing this these days,

and we're gonna show you

it doesn't take $1,000

and an arm and a leg and --

well, it might take an arm

and a leg,

but it won't take the --

he wanted me to put the gas cans

a certain way there.

That was one was full,

and this one was --

had very little in it at all,

which seemed odd to me.

But, you know,

I don't question him.

Bill's the expert.

And he puts the bar

through there,

a little piece of angle iron.

Then he gets them good

and chalked-down.

That's not chalk, bill.

Bill, that's not -- bill --

[ wheezes ]

that's not chalk.

This is what I thought

would happen.

That was lucky.

Good thinking, bill.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, great.

Bill, that's on -- bill, it's

on -- bill, there's a flame.

Bill -- bill --

[ explosion ]

[ bill screams ]

ah, he'll be back in a minute,

I guess.

Part of him, and there he is.

That'll be quite a bit

later now.

Yeah, he's fine.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Bill's getting all kinds

of exercise today.

Now he takes a -- this is

our mineral spreader here.

He's got the little --

looks like surgical tubing,

the kind of stuff they use to

replace things inside your body

that look like that,

and he's -- ohh, ohh.

Ohh.

You know, sometimes in life

you can look around,

and you can see an accident

about to happen.

You just know

there's gonna be trouble.

You don't know exactly when,

but you certainly know what

it's gonna be, don't you?

[ bill groaning ]

red: Yeah,

that's the one I pictured.

There you go, bill.

Everything gets exercised

with bill.

Look where he's wearing the

hard hat now. He's no dummy.

Oh, no,

I shouldn't say that.

And he's getting everything

exercised all at once.

Then he's got this kind of

a boxing thing,

which I thought was

kind of neat,

like the muhammad ali/

george frazier type of thing.

He's gonna lean against it

and throw the punches.

That's a great --

but the doorknob

maybe is not

as attached quite as well.

Some of the things at the lodge

are really not up to spec,

I don't think,

compared to what --

uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

That's my van, bill.

[ groans ]

nobody messes with my van.

You said you wanted exercise,

right?

Well, I have good news.

I can help you with that.

[ tires screech ]

watch yourself

on the building there.

Stay tuned.

Harold's got a couple more

stupid things to say.

And dalton humphries

gets excited,

so you know

there's money involved.

[ spits ]

well, we had a little trouble

with buster hadfield's

moving-conveyor-belt thing.

Oh, really?

Ha ha ha!

Everything was fine.

You know, the bunch of us were

sitting on there, ready to go,

and moose thompson

throws the power switch,

and then he decides

he wants to get on it, too.

I'm guessing...

Bad decision?

[ laughs ]

well, it wouldn't have been

too bad if he just climbed on,

but, oh, no, not moose.

He's got to do one

of these flying-somersault

cannonball things.

A half gainer.

No, total loser.

The whole conveyor belt

crashes to the ground

and changes

from a moving conveyor

into kind of like a tank tread.

But without the tank.

Ha ha ha ha.

Well, we had moose,

you know?

So, now you got

a 12-mile black elastic band

covered with humanity,

powered by a diesel engine,

heading south.

South -- now, south -- that --

I can't picture that.

What is that towards?

Well, this door...

And the barn around it.

That's

farmer nash's sheep barn.

A-are the sheep okay?

Oh, the sheep are fine.

They headed north.

But you might want to air out

your room.

They were pretty scared.

[ zip! Swirl! ]

we're out here

by the main highway,

at humphries everything store,

to learn a little bit more

about collectibles

and antiques

from the store owner,

dalton humphries.

You can actually make money with

this stuff, can you, dalton?

Well, you know, red,

if you --

if you know the marketplace

and what's hot,

you can -- you can do

quite well on antiques.

[ laughs ]

all right.

Well, for instance,

take this toaster.

Now, stinky peterson

sold this to me for a nickel.

A nickel, yeah, yeah.

To him, it was just a dirty,

old, rusted-out, old toaster.

But, you know,

to a collector of old toasters,

someone who -- who knows

the history of the manufacturer,

has scoured the marketplace

for antique toasters --

yeah, yeah.

Well, you guess what

that would be worth to them.

Well, by gosh,

it must be worth

50 bucks at least,

I would think.

No, a quarter.

Stinky peterson sold this to me

for 5 cents.

That's 400% markup.

[ chuckles ]

do you have any really, really

valuable items here, dalton,

like, say,

something over a buck?

Oh, well,

I got a huge conveyor system

from buster hadfield --

you know, the metal part.

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Ah, the rubber-conveyor-belt

market

has gone soft,

you know?

Some collector

in nova scotia

decided he was gonna flood

the market,

but I had two collectors

locked in a bidding war

for, you know,

the middle part.

Yeah.

A european bidder

has offered me $8.

And there's a woman

in california

who said she might go

as high as $10.

Yeah.

Well, now, if I were you,

I would just sell that

to the scrap-metal dealer.

What's he gonna give me

for it -- a buck?

Oh, no, dalton, you got a lot

of steel in that, you know?

You got the nickel axles

in there.

Must be 5 or 6 miles

of copper wire.

You're probably looking

at $9,000 or $10,000.

Dollars?

Yeah, yeah, I would say.

$9,000 or $10,000, yeah.

[ drill whirring ]

okay, here we go.

"attention, fellow possums."

mm-hmm!

"I, moose thompson,

have figured out

how to get my vcr to stop

flashing 12:00, 12:00, 12:00."

oh, great. Okay.

"unplug it

when you're not using it."

thanks, moose.

[ tires screech ]

10 -- [ clears throat ]

$10,000?

Maybe a little more.

Probably $10,000, though.

Canadian?

Canadian dollars,

sure, yeah.

10,000 canadian dollars?

10,000 -- yeah.

[ tires screech,

glass shattering ]

"for sale -- waffle iron,

popcorn maker,

"deep fryer, french-fry machine.

"will trade for rowing machine.

Seller is very motivated.

Just had third heart attack."

[ tires screech ]

that's a one...

Yeah.

...And then a zero

and then a zero and a zero

and a zero and a dot

and two more zeros.

Well, if that's 10,000 --

ten thou--

yeah, that's it, yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying to you.

That's better than a buck,

isn't it?

Excuse me.

[ laughs excitedly ]

[ engine turns over, revs ]

that was not a highlight.

[ metal clanking ]

[ gasps ]

why does it smell like oil

in here, batman?

Wa-a-a!

Well, you know.

Don't pretend

you're not jealous

of my conveyor-belt raincoat,

harold.

Oh, does it show?

They haven't invented

the storm

that can get through

this baby.

I'll tell you that.

You know, buster will make you

one, harold,

if you give him your size.

Oh, okay. 10w-30?

[ laughs ]

you look like piece

of licorice candy or something.

Well, laugh if you want,

harold.

But since we've cut up

the conveyor belt,

there's all kinds of things

that we can make --

floor mats,

kitchen mats,

car mats,

welcome mats, bath mats,

r.V. Mats...

Mats.

Uncle red.

Uncle red, I think

maybe you should just stick

with the raincoat idea.

I bet you're

as dry as can be in that.

Well, I was

for the first few minutes.

I guess she's a lot cooler

when it's raining, huh?

It must be the wool lining

from the sheep we hit.

[ screeching ]

oh, it's meeting time,

uncle red.

Yeah, you go ahead,

harold.

I'll be down

in an hour or so.

And, harold, hit that power

switch when I tell you to.

Okay!

Yep. Yep.

So, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I am bringing enough

black rubber to last a lifetime.

All right, harold,

hit the switch.

No, harold.

Hit the other switch.

[ clicking, engine humming ]

and to the rest of you,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at the lodge,

till next time,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ metal rattling ]

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all right, settle down.

Harold: Okay, all rise.

All: Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

I'd like to propose

a toast.

Wow.

To find out more about

possum lodge merchandise,

call 1-800-ypossum

or check out harold's homepage

on the internet,

www.Redgreen.Com.