Father and Son Banquet

The Lodge holds its annual father-son banquet.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Red's Campfire Songs, The Friendly Side of Dynamite, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, That's What Friends Are For, Red's Handyman Tips, Adventures With Bill

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 5

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: We have a cottage country up near where I live, in Ontario, and, uh, a lot of times, you have a lot of people who live there all year 'round, and they end up with a fair amount of time on their hands, and they start doing things they wouldn't otherwise do. Um, for instance, tire art, um, making bird shapes and swings and... driveway liners out of tires. Um, occurred to us it's something we should have some fun with, so we took it to the next step in this show. We made an entire set of girls' bedroom furniture out of tires.

Transcript
''{Text appears on screen: "Women can bear children. Men can't." A music box tune plays on the first line, followed by a baby crying on the second.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"Father and Son Banquet" appears} And now, here's the man who is most likely to have a TV show based in a lodge named after a possum, your host, my uncle, Red Green! {laughs}

''{Red enter the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He holds several wrapped presents, topped with bows and ribbons.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah! {waves to Harold} Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I got no time for yakking this week, we gotta get busy on annual Possum Lodge father and son banquet.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, excuse me, Uncle Red, excuse me, times have changed! I think the father and son banquet should include, y'know, like, mums and sons and fathers and daughters...

RED GREEN: All right, that's fair enough, Harold. Okay, let me correct myself. We're having the Possum Lodge father and son, father and daughter, mum and son, mum and daughter banquet, everything except uncles and nephews. The guy's very clear on that. Sorry, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: That's okay. That's okay, 'cause my dad's coming, but, y'know, thanks for asking.

RED GREEN: No, I wasn't asking.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, you were.

RED GREEN: {overlapping} No. No, I wasn't asking.

HAROLD GREEN: {overlapping} The way you asked. And I just said just then. And you just said no. {louder} Well, I could, but I can't! Stop asking! Stop asking!

RED GREEN: {overlapping; also getting loud} I wasn't. I wasn't asking! I'm not asking! I'm not asking!

HAROLD GREEN: {overlapping} You're not asking! You're not asking! You're not asking! You're not?

RED GREEN: {frustrated} I'm not asking! I'm not!

HAROLD GREEN: Are you getting mad?

RED GREEN: I am!

{Harold giggles.}

Title sequence
''{The "The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red and Winston in close to the camera. Red covers his mouth as he yawns. Winston notices.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} On today's episode, I get a little tired.

{Cut to Red reclining on a bed made entirely out of tires.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} So I make a bed out of little tires. Segue is my middle name.

''{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress. Mike is the contestant and the word is "Friend".}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Mike gets out of prison long enough to have a game of Two On a Match with us.

''{Cut to Red and Edgar standing next to a barbecue grill. Edgar pushes down on a garage door opener. The grill blasts smoke out of it and the lid flies off.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Edgar Montrose shows you the quick way to barbecue.

Plot Segment 2
RED GREEN: So you're sure, you're positive your father's coming to the father and son banquet, right, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, won't that be great, Uncle Red? And we can enter races together, walk around, do father and son stuff.

RED GREEN: Yeah, maybe he can flash his identification at some people and they'll stop calling you that name.

HAROLD GREEN: {crossing his fingers} Here's hoping! So, what's this year's theme?

RED GREEN: Well, the father and son committee had a meeting last night.

HAROLD GREEN: The father and son committee? Who's on that?

RED GREEN: Me.

HAROLD GREEN: You're not a father.

RED GREEN: Well, I'm a son, you know, and around here, 50% is a quorum. So we decided to make this year's theme... tires! All kinds of tires, Harold. Steel belts, all-weather radials, biased supply, off-road, the whole deal.

HAROLD GREEN: {rolling his eyes} What can you do with tires at a father and son banquet?

RED GREEN: Just you wait and see. It'll be way better than last year's theme, I'll tell ya that.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha-ha! Oh, yeah, big whoop! Salute to engine coolant! That was gross!

RED GREEN: We were doing okay 'til we used it for bobbing for apples.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
{Harold walks up to Red and Mike Hamar at the card table, holding a stopwatch.}

HAROLD GREEN: Ha-ha! Okay, this is the big one! All righty, this week's grand prize has been donated by Junior Singleton: a promise to return half the tools he's borrowed from you over the years. All righty. Uncle Red, you have 30 seconds to make Mr. Hamar say this word... {holds up a sign that says "Friend" and mouths the word} Thirty seconds, and begin!

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, uh, buddy.

MIKE HAMAR: Gang member.

RED GREEN: Close buddy.

MIKE HAMAR: Cellmate.

RED GREEN: Uh, someone who talks about stuff...

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, informer? Stoolie? Squealie? Uh, dead meat?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, I'm– I'm thinking someone you can trust...

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, boy, uh... prison chaplain?

RED GREEN: Alright, and you can trust him because he's...

MIKE HAMAR: An ex-con himself.

RED GREEN: {pauses to think} Lemme go another way with this, all right? I'm not just the guy who signed you out on a parole, I'm also your buddy, your pal, your...

MIKE HAMAR: ...warden?

HAROLD GREEN: {singsong voice} You're runnin' out of time!

RED GREEN: Alright, alright, alright. Okay, Mike, Mike! There must be somebody you can trust.

MIKE HAMAR: Um, Bambi Bazooms the feather dancer.

RED GREEN: All right, fair enough. So Bambi is your...

MIKE HAMAR: ...mum.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * People thought I was line-dancing
 * When I jumped up and spun on the chair.
 * So they joined in and did what I did,
 * Kicking one foot in the air.
 * We danced in a line out the front door
 * And down by the cedar grove.
 * It turned out I wasn't line-dancing at all.
 * I had just stubbed my toe on the stove.

The Friendly Side of Dynamite
''{Red and Edgar Montrose stand next to a barbecue grill outside the Lodge. Next to the grill is a huge mound of raw hamburger meat and some sticks of dynamite.}''

RED GREEN: All right, it's time for this week's segment of The Friendly Side of Dynamite. {to Edgar} Edgar?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Okay, Red, today, this week, we're gonna show you how to use {holds up a stick of dynamite} dynamite for home renovations. Now, the trick here is to get the dynamite into the shape that will fit the job. A lot of guys use the expensive plastic explosives, but they got more money than me, plus they got the proper license and permits. So what I do is just... {bends stick of dynamite, breaking it in half} ...crack the stick open... {picks up a chunk of burger meat and sprinkles dynamite powder on it} ...mix it with some hamburger meat... That's TNT instead of MSG, Red.

''{Edgar jams one of the halves of dynamite stick into the mound of meat. He then molds in his hands the smaller chunk of smaller meat with the powder.}''

EDGAR MONTROSE: Y'know, the English got their bangers and mash.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

EDGAR MONTROSE: {holds up meat chunk} This is both. {points behind him} Now, I got this door over here that's been stickin', and I need to give it a little attention. {walks off} C'mon with me, Red!

RED GREEN: Alright.

''{Red follows Edgar over to a closed door. Edgar still molds the burger meat and dynamite powder together.}''

RED GREEN: Couldn't you just plane a bit off the door or sand some off the frame or something there?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, I know I could, but I prefer to blow it to kingdom come and start all over again. I'm fussy that way. {jams the burger meat into hinge on door} Now you lay your burger into the hinge, and that should be enough to lift her right off her pins and blow her halfway across the lake. {walks off}

RED GREEN: What're ya gonna use to set off the charge? {aside to camera} Barbecue starter? {follows}

EDGAR MONTROSE: {walking back over to barbecue and picking up a garage door opener} Ultrasonic waves, Red. This baby sends 'em off and touches off the dynamite.

RED GREEN: {looking at opener} Looks like your garage door opener.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, today, it's a shed door opener.

''{Red ducks out of Edgar's way as he aims the opener at the burger meat mixed with powder jammed in the door hinge and pushes a button on it. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing.}''

EDGAR MONTROSE: Hmm.

''{Edgar pushes the button again. Suddenly, an explosion occurs from the barbecue as smoke shoots out of it and sends the lid flying into the air. Red and Edgar duck and cover their heads as the lid then lands on the grill and falls off, knocking the dynamite on the ground. Red and Edgar also cover their heads as powder falls down on them. Red and Edgar cough.}''

Handyman Corner
{Red stands inside another room of the Lodge, which is full of tires.}

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, I thought I'd carry on the theme of our father-son, father-daughter, mother-son, mother-daughter picnic-banquet thing: namely, tires! You know, the young girls of today, they're growin' up, they're concerned with the ecology. They want to make a difference. {walks around to the pile of tires} So what do you say we make an entire girl's bedroom suite completely out of recycled tires? {picks up one tire inexplicably rolling toward him} Girls like pretty things, {turns tire around to show it has a white accent on it} so I suggest you go with the whitewall on that. {places tire on table} First thing we can build, is, uh, is a vanity mirror. Yeah, you got the– you already got the ebony frame on there with the decorator white accent. {reaches down on ground} And then, for your mirror, {holds up a shiny, angled hubcap} I suggest you go with the moon disc on there. It's an attractive unit, and it's got the curve on her there, and it makes women look slimmer than they really are. They really appreciate that, especially those 13-year-old girls going through that chunky stage. All right, now why don't we build a– a dresser for the girl's bedroom?

{Red drops the tire and the hubcap on the ground and walks over to a stack of tires in the corner of the room.}

RED GREEN: For that one, all you do is stack up a bunch of tires and then cut a four-inch hole in each one, {picks up carpet knife} uh, using a carpet knife.

''{Red cuts into one of the tires on the stack. Wipe to a later scene. Red is still cutting through the tires, this time with a drill. He pulls it out of the stack. The tires all have tire patches duct-taped to the holes, save for the top one.}''

RED GREEN: Perfect! Then, once you got the holes cut, you want to stick patches on there... {picks up tire patch and places it near drilled hole} to cover up the holes, kinda like your little doorways into the different compartments. {reaches hand into tire stack} So I put a wheel disc between every tire, so you got, like, little shelving in there. When you put the flaps on, you need some kind of a hinge. You can use metal hinges on that. You could glue some fabric on that. Or if you like to look at silver, {picks up a roll of duct tape} I suggest the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {removes a piece of tape} Then once you got your flaps on there, of course, {sticks his hand into top hole} you can just reach in, get your various articles of clothing. {pulls out T-shirt} Maybe you keep your T-shirts there and... {reaches into second hole and pulls out a pair of underwear; shocked, hastily puts it back} None of my business... {reaches into third hole} And you got your, maybe... What do you got in here? {pulls out a sock} Socks. All right. Look at that, how neat and tidy-lookin' that is. And that's just the beginning.

''{Red walks over to a desk lamp with tires stacked on top of each other as table legs. On the desk are a phone, some papers and a lamp covered in tires.}''

RED GREEN: You can also build a very attractive and useful girl's desk. Isn't that a beauty? {looks at lamp} And how about this? This is a nice little touch: a beautiful desk lamp. {turns on lamp; light shines through tires} You won't believe this, but this is made out of tires. {walks away from desk} And we can also make ourselves a dandy little girl's bed. What do we use for a mattress? {picks up an inner tube} Inner tubes make sense, don't they? And why don't we add a little bit of romance, a little bit of excitement? How about one of those Victorian, Renaissance, turn-of-the-century, four-poster beds, eh? Girls love that kind of stuff. What can we use for the posts?

{Red goes over to a corner of the room and pulls out a piece of car axle with the tires on it.}

RED GREEN: How about one of these rear-end units, which you can get out of passing vehicles if you dig a big enough pothole.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has made a bed out of tires, inner tubes and the car axles, plus one of the support beams of the room. He has covered the whole thing in flags.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. So now, when your teenage gets tired, she can just retire to her tires. Let's see if it's comfortable. {climbs onto bed} Fools rush in where angels fear the tread. {lies down on bed} Ooh, boy! {groans} Gosh! Now, that is beautiful. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And to think we made this out of old rear ends. Actually, you can tell.

Commercial bumper
''{Edgar sits on the roof of a house. Someone falls past him out of the sky.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Comin' up, Edagr shows you that the explosive business has its ups and downs.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to all you guys out there, 'cause I know what you're going through. You get up on a Saturday morning, swing open the closet door, and you're face-to-face with clothes you have never seen before in your life. Men's clothes! So you run over to the bed to see if your wife's havin' an affair. But no. {shakes his head} It's worse than that. She has bought you new clothes! Collared golf shirts and those jeans they have for fat guys so you can't tell how big their butt really is. Now, ordinarily, you would never wear clothes like that, but she's also thrown out your old clothes! You know that sweatshirt you got when you were 14 at Camp Cappawiggamuggawedgie? And those jeans you've been wearing for ten years, even though you gotta hang from the ceiling to get your gut into them? Well, I say don't fight it, go along with it, use your head. A guy wearing new clothes can't cut the grass or wash the car or take out the garbage. {nods} Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
''{Harold looks sad. Red enters the Lodge, holding a tire in each hand.}''

RED GREEN: {to Harold} You'll never guess what we found, Harold. Down the road, behind Lucky Ballerson's place: tire dump! {to audience} Had to be five acres of tires. No wonder they call him Lucky. {Harold is uninterested} Got enough tires to make a global village. We're gonna have the Yokohamas from Japan, Pirellis from Italy, and Frisk tires from K-Mart. {back to Harold; noticing his mood} What's the matter with you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's... my dad called. Can't come to the father-and-son banquet.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy...

AUDIENCE: Awwww...

HAROLD GREEN: I may have to cancel, Uncle Red... Have to go, y'know, can't go, I guess or somethin'... Have to find someone else, Uncle Red... Someone in my family, some other relative, y'know, I don't know, Uncle Red... Someone...

RED GREEN: You know, Harold, as you're talkin' there, it strikes me funny that dads are so much like tires, you know? Even when they get old and bald and got the bulges in the side, they're still good for something, you know? And I'm thinking, maybe what we'll do is teach the kids about tire maintenance, y'know, at the father-son banquet.

HAROLD GREEN: {uninterested} Sounds great, yeah, good, sure, great...

{Red stares at his nephew for a few seconds, then finally gets a frustrated look.}

RED GREEN: Oh, for gosh sakes! Tell you what: I'll think it over.

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly overjoyed; speaking quickly} Oh, excellent! Okay, excellent! Okay, good! {laughs; Red looks annoyed} So good! It's great! That'd be perfect, that'd be fun! And I'll– And I'll be good! I'll be really– I'll be quiet and everything! I'll– I'll, y'know, make sure that I'm a good guy and everything! And I'll make you proud to be with me! And I'll be calm! I'll be, oh, so calm! {laughs} And I won't eat a lot, and I won't drink my– I'll drink my pop really slow this year! 'Cause, last year, I had this really big belch and I embarrassed everybody, but this year, I won't do that! 'Cause I know you wouldn't do anything half that gross! {laughs} And I won't talk! I won't talk a lot! Sometimes, people say I talk a lot, but I won't talk a lot this year! I'm gonna do really– And when I do talk, I'm gonna make sure it's specific topics that are in the interest of everybody within earshot! Not just myself, y'know, not like topics like {suddenly wavers} girls! Or, you know, like the candy floss I can get in my mouth before it comes out my nose! I won't even talk about things like that! Have you thought about it yet?

{Red stares.}

Segue: Edgar Montrose
''{Edgar lies awkwardly on the roof of a house. He slowly sits up, groaning and coughing.}''

EDGAR MONTROSE: Hi, this is Edgar Montrose with a safety tip: whenever you're setting up explosive charges with your partner, always work out your hand signals before you light the fuse.

{Edgar suddenly sees someone fall out of the sky and land on the ground by the house.}

EDGAR MONTROSE: {raising right hand, which is a finger short} I told ya five! Not– {looks at hand} My mistake. {holds up left hand} This is five. {holds up right hand} That's four. All right, let's set it up again.

{Edgar falls back down on his back.}

That's What Friends Are For
{Red and Winston enter the room and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: Now, what did you go and do that for?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Of all the insensitive things you've ever done!

RED GREEN: She's talking to you about the relationship, pursuing dreams...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: She's talking about the future, about being together, but being scared. You know, she's basically pouring her heart out to ya.

RED GREEN: And you had to go and yawn! {he and Winston both shake their heads} The worst thing you could ever do.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Never, ever, ever, ever yawn at your wife!

RED GREEN: As in "never".

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Exactly. I mean, couldn't you have left the room? One of the most personal moments in your relationship and you yawn?!

RED GREEN: Alright, this is a biggie, so we're gonna show you a couple of ways, maybe you can undo the damage.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Watch and learn. Now, first of all, you tell her it wasn't a yawn at all.

RED GREEN: No.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: No, no, no, it was her revelations that left you slack-jawed and amazed. Y'know, sort of like... {opens his mouth wide, as if in surprise}

RED GREEN: Yup, or go to the doctor and convince him you've got a sleeping disorder, all right? Once she hears that, she'll be forgiving.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, there's nothing like a little neurological blackmail to get you back in the good books.

RED GREEN: That's probably right. And then what you wanna do is, you're gonna need a little plan. We actually saved the best one for last. {to Winston} Tell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: This is– This is– This is– Me?

RED GREEN: Tell 'em.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Now?

RED GREEN: Tell 'em.

WINSTON ROTHSCIHLD: Okay...

RED GREEN: Yeah...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You wait 'til she's really tired.

RED GREEN: Big time.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I mean zonked.

RED GREEN: Yes, sir.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And ready to go to bed. And then you call her aside and you say to her, "Honey, I have some very important things to discuss with you." Then you sit her down, and you just start spieling! You just shoot the breeze about anything!

RED GREEN: Talk about the boat, talk about your new wrench, just talk about the dock...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Good one!

RED GREEN: Doesn't matter what it is, just keep yakking, okay?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yeah...

RED GREEN: Eventually, she's gonna yawn.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Eventually? With you going, she'll be yawning in seconds.

RED GREEN: So much the better. As soon as she yawns, you blurt out something really personal, then you can turn the tables on her!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Exactly! {seriously} But don't blow it, {Red covers his mouth, as if yawning himself} because, remember, this is the most important moment of the rest of your married... {sees Red covering his mouth} What are you doing?

RED GREEN: No, no, Winston, it was just...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I was doing the thing! {Red stammers, trying to explain himself} It was a complete yawn!

RED GREEN: No, I was staring in amazement in...

{They turn and leave.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It was a yawn!

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no...

Inside References

 * Bill pulls some rope and a box cutter out of his pants.
 * In trying to throw the pipe-wrench-tied rope up to the tree branch, Bill accidentally rips the driver's side door off the Possum Van.

Real-World References

 * Bangers and mash is a traditional English dish made of mashed potatoes and sausages, the latter of which may be one of a variety of flavored sausage made of pork or beef or a Cumberland sausage.