Sausage Envy/Transcript

The complete transcript for Sausage Envy

Opening Scene
{Red is seen walking along outside the lodge, eating a bowl of popcorn.}

RED GREEN: I like popcorn. I like it a lot. I've seen movies where the popcorn is the best part. Now, of course, I'm married, we don't go to the movies. We don't go out at all, in fact, unless there's a grease fire. {walks up to a worktable and sets bowl of popcorn down on it} So I just– I just make my own popcorn at home. {picks up a measuring cup full of popcorn kernels} What I do is, I'll take a cup of kernels like this, put 'em into a pot, {shakes hand back and forth} shake her on the stove until my arm falls off, {holds up bowl of popcorn} and that'll make me a bowl of popcorn like that. {holds up index finger} But when friends or maybe Moose Thompson drops over, well, I need to make a bigger batch.

''{Red pours the popcorn kernels from the measuring cup into a bucket on the ground, full up with more kernels. He then picks up the bucket.}''

RED GREEN: You know, I'm thinking, I need a machine to do the work for me. {walking along with bucket} Y'know, that's exactly what happened in the Industrial Revolution. I need something industrial that has revolutions. I'm thinking clothes dryer.

''{Red walks into a shed where a clothes dryer is. He opens the door and pours the kernels into the dryer. He then picks up a stick of butter sitting on top of the dryer.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now we just pop a stick of butter in the lint filter. {puts butter inside dryer with kernels, then closes door} And it's showtime!

''{Red starts up the dryer, which starts to shake and hum. Wipe to a later scene. The dryer is still shaking and humming, but now, smoke is also starting to waft out of the dryer. Suddenly, the dryer dings and it stops shaking and humming. Red then walks up, holding a small tub. He places it under the door, which he then opens. The dryer is full of freshly-popped popcorn, which pours out into the tub. Red looks at the camera and gives a thumbs-up.}''

Visit With Kelly Cook
''{Kelly Cook is seated at her desk in an office in the city. She is drinking some blue punch from a thermos and looking in a magazine.}''

MAN'S VOICE ON PHONE: Miss Cook, Mr. Green here to see you.

KELLY COOK: {pressing button on phone} Cool. Send him in.

''{Kelly puts the magazine and the thermos away. Red walks into the office. He looks around as he enters.}''

KELLY COOK: Mr. Green?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

{Red reaches his hand out as he and Kelly shake hands.}

KELLY COOK: Thank you for coming in. I'm Kelly Cook.

RED GREEN: All right.

KELLY COOK: You know, you are a lot older than I had been expecting.

RED GREEN: What is this, a school day? Huh? {laughs}

KELLY COOK: I'm a new programmer here at the network.

RED GREEN: Oh.

KELLY COOK: {gestures toward chair in front of desk} Please, have a seat.

RED GREEN: All right. {they both sit down}

KELLY COOK: Now, I have a few suggestions for your show. {Red nods} And by "suggestions", I do mean "instructions", okay?

RED GREEN: You've seen my show?

KELLY COOK: {shrugging} Not all the way through. Let's see. First of all, the Lodge itself...

RED GREEN: Okay...

KELLY COOK: {looking down in thought} How should I put this? {looking up again} It's gross. {Red looks away momentarily} It needs to be cleaned up.

RED GREEN: {nodding} Okay...

KELLY COOK: Okay, or destroyed. It's up to you.

RED GREEN: {nodding} All right...

KELLY COOK: Okay. Secondly, {puts left hand on table} let's say over here is political correctness...

RED GREEN: {nodding} All right...

KELLY COOK: {puts right hand on table} And this over here is political incorrectness...

RED GREEN: {nodding} Gotcha...

KELLY COOK: You're about... {pointing to wall on her right} ...beyond that wall over there. {Red stares at wall} Okay? Mr. Green, um, shouldn't you be writing this down?

RED GREEN: {shaking head} Well, actually, I– I can't read my writing very well. {blinks eyes}

KELLY COOK: Okay, well, it'll be in the next memo anyway.

RED GREEN: {nods} All right.

KELLY COOK: I'm also looking for some increased safety awareness on your, um, hobby fix-it thing. {Red nods} A man like you holding a power tool is not a comforting image for our audience.

RED GREEN: {shaking head} Well, I was just having a little fun, you know.

KELLY COOK: You're too old to be having fun, Mr. Green. {Red nods} Oh, and one more thing, there seems to be this grayish silvery tape...

RED GREEN: {nodding eagerly} Yeah...

KELLY COOK: ...all over everything on your show.

RED GREEN: {still nodding} Yeah.

KELLY COOK: {giggles} Yeah. {seriously} It's disgusting. {Red sobers up} If you need us to fire some of your technical people, we will.

RED GREEN: {nods} Okay, okay, so no duct tape, no Handyman Corners, no Lodge?

KELLY COOK: Perfect.

RED GREEN: Well, that shouldn't be a problem.

KELLY COOK: Great.

RED GREEN: {standing up} Say, have you seen that hip-hop mosh rap jam thing with the Britney Spears over on channel 97?

KELLY COOK: {excited} No way!

RED GREEN: Yeah!

KELLY COOK: What time is that on? {reaches out to get a piece of paper}

RED GREEN: Well, it's– it's on in my time slot! They're running against my show!

KELLY COOK: Oh, and when is that again?

RED GREEN: At 20:30, Friday night.

KELLY COOK: {writing in paper} Excellent. That sounds excellent. {Red turns and leaves, shaking his head}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

''{The camera pulls back to reveal Winston standing behind the card table where Red and Mike are seated. Winston holds the word sign in his hands.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Today's prize is from Mercury Creek Bait and Tackle. {reaches one hand under table} It's a complete ice-fishing kit! {whips up a handsaw, proudly shows it off, then sets it on table} And playing for this much-sought-after prize, {gestures toward Mike} Mr. Mike Hamar! {Mike makes excited gesticulations with arms} Close your... {Mike covers his ears} Okay, Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mike to say this word. {turns sign around to show audience; word is...} Buy. Buy.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {sets sign down} Bye-bye! {Mike uncovers his ears} And go!

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, when one of your dads would leave home to go to work, you'd say, "Good..."

MIKE HAMAR: "...riddance."

RED GREEN: Okay, in the Olympics, when a competitor is automatically put into the finals, the officials say they got a...

MIKE HAMAR: ...bribe?

RED GREEN: {thinks for a minute; struggles for words} Okay, okay, now, think about this. There are people who can be intimate with both men and women. All right? And we say they are blank-sexual.

MIKE HAMAR: {stares} Very.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {pointing to watch} Runnin' out of time, runnin' out of time!

RED GREEN: Alright, alright. Alright, Mike, if you see something for sale in a store, and it's cheaper than it should be, you say, "That's a real..."

MIKE HAMAR: {smiles} "...steal!"

RED GREEN: {holding out hand} No! {waves hand} You don't steal it, all right? What do you do? What do you do?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I pretend I forgot the thing was in my pocket. {shrugs} Sometimes the cops buy it.

RED GREEN: {lunging at bell on table} There we go!

''{Red rapidly rings the bell to end the game, while Winston excitedly points at Mike and hands him the handsaw. Mike makes excited gesticulations again as he takes the saw and examines it.}''

Segue: Winston Rothschild
{Winston stands in front of his truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Hi, Winston Rothschild of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. If you're down in the dumps, 'cause your lawn is full of lumps, call me, Winston, and I'll be there with my pumps.

{Winston holds up his business card.}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Any guy who has waited in his car while his wife goes into a store just for a minute knows the difference between the ways men and women shop. See, a man is sorta like a planner: long before he goes to the store, he knows exactly what he wants and he knows exactly where to get it. The last thing he wants is to get stuck in some embarrassing corner of the store where they have underwear or curtains. 'Cause when a guy goes shopping, he wants to... he wants to look cool, you know, like the shopping experience is {waves dismissively} no stress to him whatsoever. His wife, however, tends to be a little looser. She'll go to a store with no idea what it is that she needs. She'll figure out what it is she desperately wants after she gets there. She's more open and she's more receptive. She's nicer. She'll read all the labels from six different kinds of toothpaste. She'll try every size-eight shoe in the store. She'll listen to the entire gastrointestinal history of the salesperson's dog. Centuries from now, I figure archaeologists are gonna uncover some guy still sitting in his car by the curb, waiting for his wife who went into the store just for a minute. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.