The Stuck Truck Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

That makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

in today's show,

bill turns nature into art

doing some chainsaw sculpting...

Harold finally finds a job

suited

to his unique abilities...

Winston has lost

some of his enthusiasm

for the sewage-sucking

business...

I'm going to show you

how to make a car into a tank.

And now here's

the oldest human being

capable of hosting

his own television show,

at least, you know, at this

point in time and in this area,

my uncle, red green!

Right there.

Wa-a-a!

Whoo. Whoo.

Ha ha!

Thank you very much, and

here's the oldest human being

who's never had a date

in any area, my nephew, harold.

[ zip! ]

[ cymbal crashes ]

having a bit of trouble

right now

with stinky peterson's

trabant.

Well, he better get that looked

at because that could fester.

Harold, a trabant is a car,

not a body part.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay.

[ laughs ]

right. Right. No, I knew that.

I forgot.

You should explain that --

that a trabant

is an east german car.

It was made

in what was east germany

but what is now,

uh, eastern germany.

And not the greatest

automobile ever made.

One of the reasons

the berlin wall came down

was so they could get

the tow trucks through.

I guess the real good

communist scientists

were working on rockets

and tanks and women athletes.

Anyway, stinky had run the

battery way down on the trabant

from listening

to the radio

'cause those tubes really suck

the juice out of her, there.

And his girlfriend

wanted to go into town,

so he just gave her

a little push start

and sent her merrily

on her way.

But she didn't make it,

did she?

She was okay

till she got to the hill.

Uh, I think

if she'd have backed up it --

but anyway,

she stalled her,

and now we got to go down there

and restart it.

Well, I think

she's quite capable

of handling the situation

herself.

She does not need you

to go down there and rescue her.

She should just call

flinty mcclintock.

He's got that emergency

road service.

No, harold, it's

stinky's girlfriend that

caused the problem,

and stinky's got to solve it,

not flinty.

It's a guy thing.

That is just

stupid chauvinism.

Well, stupid chauvinism

is a guy thing, too.

He's twice as capable

of handling it than stinky is.

You know, plus, flinty's closer.

Face reality, uncle red.

She should

just call flinty.

Flinty charges 5 bucks.

Ohhhh!

[ clothesline squeaking ]

♪ oh, a bullet comes out

the end of a gun ♪

♪ like a rocket ship

hurtling through space ♪

♪ it travels much faster

than animals run ♪

♪ but it doesn't go

to mars ♪

♪ or a really far place

like that, you know ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ well, I prefer rockets

to bullets ♪

♪ bullets ♪

♪ 'cause they make a sound

that people can hear ♪

♪ bobsh! Bobsh! ♪

♪ and a rocket won't

ricochet off a boulder ♪

♪ do a u-turn

and take off your ear ♪

okay,

it's Saturday afternoon,

and you have spent

the last five minutes

aligning the lumps

in the couch

with the dents

in your reclining body,

as you settle down

for an afternoon

with the three "ahls" --

alcohol, cholesterol,

football.

Then the little missus comes in,

as rumpole would say,

"she who must

be okay'ed, eh?"

and she's got rearranging

the furniture on her mind,

which involves you

in a big way.

All right,

you might possibly

have a negative reaction

to this,

but I think

it might be time

to look at it

in a more mature way.

Yeah, like, you know,

you're probably gonna say,

"no, no,

the room looks fine, eh,"

when really you just want to

get back to watching the game.

So she leaves the room.

Okay. This is a trap.

It's real catch-23.

Yeah, yeah.

Because she knows

the room looks bad.

She was gonna try

and fix it the cheap way

by just rearranging

the junk you have

to cover the dents

and stains and holes.

But now

that you have refused,

she is legally entitled to go

out and buy new stuff, eh?

Yep.

So, suddenly,

this is gonna be

the most expensive football game

you never even went to.

Yeah, luckily,

you can solve the problem

with an ounce of prevention,

all right?

Take a few hours,

spend a few bucks,

put everything you own

on castors.

Oh, yeah, now you can whip

the stuff around there

real easily, real quickly,

in about the same duration

as, like, a halftime show, eh?

That's right -- you can

just move that crap around

for 20 years, and you won't

have to buy anything new.

One caution, though --

make sure the floor's level,

otherwise you go lay down

on that couch to watch tv,

you're gonna go rolling

right down the basement stairs

followed by the dinette set

and the entertainment center.

And your wife

may not even miss you.

But she will miss

the couch.

[ ducks quacking ]

you know, with, uh,

stinky peterson's girlfriend

getting the car stuck,

it kind of struck a nerve

'cause there is nothing

more embarrassing for a guy

than to have his vehicle

immobilized.

Well, there is one thing

more embarrassing,

but they tell me that's just

a normal part of getting older.

So, I thought I'd take

this week's "handyman corner"

and show you

how you can make your car

less vulnerable to sinkholes,

mudslides, avalanches,

and quicksand.

To be able to go

where angels fear to tread,

you need one hell of a tread --

a tank tread.

Here's an idea so simple,

you'll wonder

why you never thought of it.

I'm gonna show you how

to turn your car into a tank.

All right,

first thing you're gonna need

is a roll of snow fence,

some tin snips,

a normal metal tin box,

and an ax.

Step one -- you want to cut

the emergency-brake cables

on the left side of the vehicle.

[ grunts ] there we go.

All right,

now the emergency brake

is only gonna work the wheels

on the right side of the car,

so what we got to do now

is disconnect the brake lines

from the right side of the car,

and then, uh, when you step

on the brake pedal,

it'll only work the wheels

on the left side of the car.

I don't understand this part,

and it's a very bad sign.

All right, now, to do that,

you're gonna need a 7/16 wrench.

No, that's a ½-inch.

[ clanging ]

[ sniffs ] yeah, there we go.

All right, you disconnect them

right down

at the wheel cylinder.

[ grunts ]

[ squeaking ]

boy, these babies

are really on there.

Rust clumps

the size of horse buns.

[ clank! Boing! ]

okay.

I don't know why I'm being

so finicky here.

I mean, the goal is just

to disconnect the brake lines.

Nobody says we have to

unscrew them off there.

[ boing! ]

all right, now...

Uh, you got to have room

for the tank tread

to move freely around the car,

so what you got to do

is you got to cut off

the front half

of the front fender

and the back half

of the back fender.

And you can do that

with, uh, well,

just an ordinary hacksaw.

[ grunts ]

[ panting ]

I'll tell you --

they haven't invented the car

that I can't customize.

There we go.

Now you're ready

for your tank tread.

And for that, you're

going to need a tank tread,

which you can buy through

an army-surplus magazine

or you could make one

out of an escalator.

But if you're not made of money,

I suggest

you just go with a snow fence.

Now, the snow fence

is twice as wide as you need,

so you're gonna need

to cut her in half,

which you can do

with a normal household hacksaw.

Or an ax.

[ grunts ]

ohh.

Okay, see, the problem here --

I'm surprised you didn't think

of this earlier --

we need something

to use as guides

to keep the tread

up above the roof here.

Maybe there's something

in the trunk.

Let's take a look in here.

Ah. [ chuckles ]

won't have to go

to all that trouble, do I?

No, just an old set

of golf clubs.

Wait a minute.

I got an idea.

I always said my ideas

are way above par.

Well, she's ready to roll, huh?

When I want to turn left,

I just step on the brake pedal.

When I want to turn right,

I step on the emergency.

I don't even need

a map of where I'm going.

Alls I need is the coordinates.

[ chuckles ]

so remember -- if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ engine turns over ]

let's see how she handles.

Stay tuned

to see what happens to bill

when the chips hit the fan.

And then glen is gonna let me

help out at the marina.

Nice of him.

Want to talk

to all you middle-aged guys

about fading urges.

You know that sense

that you're maybe

not the passionate lover

you once were,

at least the way you tell it?

Okay, so, maybe you've changed

from being

a young stag, eager to rut,

into an old drag,

stuck in a rut.

Well, this is a good thing,

'cause there's less chance

that you'll be a father

at a time when you don't have

the patience, energy,

or brain power

to help with homework.

And there's another upside

to loss of your sex drive,

and that is that this means

once or twice a week,

for maybe two or three minutes

at a time,

you'll actually be able to

concentrate on something else,

like, say, your job.

Do you realize that most

of life's great discoveries

were done by guys who were old?

Like, uh, colonel sanders.

He was almost retired

before he got the inspiration

to dedicate his life

to fried chicken.

And what about that 70-year-old

television producer

aaron spelling?

I'll tell you,

nobody who was sexually active

would have come up with

a concept like "the love boat."

so I say just accept

your declining desires.

Your wife's probably

just as happy to read in bed,

and this way you get to see

the end of the hockey game

even if there's overtime.

Remember --

I'm pulling for you,

'cause we are all

in this together.

Well...

Ran into a snag trying to

jump-start stinky's trabant.

Went down there to stinky's

truck, and the battery,

that thing's no great

shakes, either, 'cause

it had a crack in it,

and he kept topping it up

with vinegar.

So, then he figures

if he gets the truck real close,

that'll work,

'cause the electricity

won't have to travel as far.

That won't make

any difference.

Well, I know that, harold,

but, then, I'm not stupid

and nobody calls me "stinky,"

do they?

If you say so.

So, stinky...

Stinky drove his truck around

the other side of the trabant,

and he got the rear wheel

stuck in a sinkhole,

like, one of them mud baths

that rich people go to

to see what it feels like

to be dirty.

Wa-a-a! So now he's got

his car and his truck

stuck at the side of the road?

Oh ho ho!

Have you got flinty's

emergency phone number?

'cause I'll lend you

the $5.

Not the money, harold.

Not totally.

We're men. We have pride.

Stinky's girlfriend

caused the problem.

It's up to stinky

to solve it.

Is she still stuck

at the side of the road?

Well, actually, no,

she got a ride into town

with a passing vehicle.

Flinty's

road-emergency thing.

Wa-a-a!

Well, this is good.

So now he's lost his car,

his truck,

and his girlfriend.

Yeah, but he's still

got his pride.

Winston rothschild here

of rothschild sewage

and septic sucking services.

Call me if you...

Gotta gusher

and can't flush 'er.

1-800-555-suck.

Now, here we are

at braxton's marina

with owner/operator

glen braxton.

How are you today, glen?

Oh, on the road

to recovery, red.

Feeling better than I did

before the heart attacks.

Great.

Cut way back on the drinking,

quit smoking, you know?

Yeah, and I guess

the chocolate eclairs

with the double whipped cream

on top

are pretty much a thing

of the past, are they not?

Well, it's one step

at a time, red.

All right, all right,

all right.

Well, today

we're going to learn

how to pull a boat

out of the water.

All righty.

What we got to do is

we got to hook this boat winch

onto that little ring

there on the bow.

Yeah.

Here you go, red.

Me?

Oh, yeah.

Since the heart attack, red,

I can't get too close

to the water.

Oh. All right.

Yeah.

Boy, it sure is odd

to look at the boat ramp there

and not see your old r.V.

Sitting in it, I'll tell you.

Yeah. Well, life

is full of choices, red.

I had the business,

had the family...

Had the r.V.

You know,

couldn't keep them all.

Other people do.

Oh, I guess.

But other people

don't have seven daughters

that never wear

hand-me-downs ever.

Got her.

Great.

You can crank her up, red.

[ clears throat ]

tell you one thing,

though, glen.

I think these hard times

have been good for you.

Oh, "absotutely," red.

My priorities are back in line.

Never mind the fact that,

you know,

my entrepreneurial opportunities

here on the lake.

Yeah.

I'm the only marina.

Yeah.

Keeps the margin in line.

Sure.

You know, I'm wondering

if this boat winch

would be strong enough

to pull, say,

a couple of trucks

out of the mud.

Oh, I got a 3-ton block and

tackle out behind the house,

red, that you can --

I can rent it to you, or you can

borrow it for money.

Whatever you like.

Yeah, well,

we'll work something out.

All right, that's got her.

Should we have done something

to make sure

the boat's on there straight,

do you think?

Oh, no, red. No, you don't

have to worry about that.

If it's not,

you just drop her back in

and you try it

all over again.

Uh, it's only 25 bucks a shot

for the ramp, so...

Fine.

Thanks a lot for your help

there, glen.

My pleasure to be

of service, red.

Yeah.

Oh, red,

by the way, uh...

How are we going to, uh,

pay for this?

Well, why don't you lend me

the block and tackle,

and we'll just

call it even?

[ spraying ]

uncle red, why do you think

kids go bad?

Well, maybe when they're

left out in the sun too long.

No, I mean, like,

you know, do you subscribe

to the nature

or nurture theory?

Oh, you mean, uh,

do I blame the kids' parents

or just all parents

everywhere?

Yeah, exac-- well, sort of

what I mean, yeah.

Because, like,

nature says

we are what we inherit

from our parents,

whereas nurture says we're

shaped by social factors.

So, if a kid's bad,

they say it's nature,

or, if a kid's bad,

they say it's nurture.

Well, I kind of go with

the theory of "notcher."

"notcher"?

Yeah, if there's a problem

with a kid,

you say

it's "notcher" kid.

No, uncle red,

I was hoping you'd take it

a little more seriously

than that.

Well, it's

"notcher" problem.

It is if I want to discuss

matters of importance.

It's "notcher" show.

Okay. Good point.

[ explosion ]

aaaaaah!

Oh!

Red: Time for

"adventures with bill."

bill had been up a tree

with a chainsaw,

which is, uh, apparently

one of his hobbies.

How are you doing, there, bill?

Yep. About the same, I guess.

And, uh,

what he's gonna show us today

is how to do something

that's a kind of a "mixing art

with the handyman thing,"

or an outdoorsman or

a lumberjack -- what have you.

And this is, uh, actually

sculpting using a chainsaw.

He's got a -- I'm not sure

leaving a lit oil lamp

out in the woods

is the greatest...

[ clang! Tweet! ]

all right, now --

now, here's a safety tip.

When -- you got to put your foot

on top of a chainsaw

when you start it.

You know, that's

an important safety tip,

especially for the guy

standing behind you.

Another thing is --

watch out.

Don't -- don't -- oh.

Well, there's so many

safety tips there today.

It's really hard

to identify all of them

without boring ourselves

beyond human belief.

Anyway, bill comes back,

got the chainsaw running.

Now he's using the artistic

"leonardo da 'vinky'"

approach there.

He's kind of thumbing it up,

as we say -- thumbing it up.

Yeah, bill.

And then he's gonna try and...

Seems like an awful thing to do

to a tree, but, uh, anyway...

Bill's gonna try

and make that --

maybe I'm standing

a little too close myself --

another safety tip there.

And there's -- oh, I guess

that would be an oil lamp.

Boy.

That'll burn for

a while there --

pretty good-sized stump.

Now bill asked me to take

the oil lamp, put her down.

He's got a little, uh --

kind of a little toy parrot

thing there that --

sit up on there.

And I guess he's gonna

now try to carve us,

uh, something that looks

like -- is that a parrot?

Yeah, that's a parrot.

That tree doesn't look

much like a parrot to me,

but he's thumbing her up again.

When it comes to thumbing

things up, bill is...

About average.

Lot of extra twigs in there,

made it a little special.

And there's...

Whoa!

I'm an art critic myself.

Yep. Perfect.

Now he's got something

real special.

He wants me to do

one of my manly poses

that I was gonna do in the

"mr. Outdoor universe" contest

if I ever look good.

And he's trying to pick a tree

that he thinks --

no, for some reason or other,

he didn't think that tree

was, uh, was gonna do it.

I don't know

what it was about the tree.

It looked perfectly fine to me,

but, uh, I guess he felt,

uh, this tree here

might be a little bit better.

I don't know.

Ha ha!

Something about it.

Oh. I see. All right.

So, anyway,

he's cutting away there, and...

Guess he started -- I think

he started the torso on that.

Boy, you can generate quite

a few wood shavings and smoke.

Sometimes

when you oil the chainsaws,

they don't heat up quite so bad.

There he goes.

Got her all done, and, uh...

I believe

that's just the shavings,

and now he's --

yeah, yeah, yeah.

He wants to show me what he's

done. Let's have a look at this.

That's -- that's a pretty

aggressive, ambitious --

holy mackerel!

Well, congratulations,

bill!

No, no. I can't fool you.

This isn't the sculpture.

This is wayne fraser,

winner of the very first

red green look-a-like contest.

Stay tuned.

Winston's got one of his darned

self-help tapes for you,

and the boys and I are going to

try and hoist a few.

"winter surprise" by me.

"I toboggan in the winter cold

the whole afternoon,

"and I stagger indoors

to the warmth of the fire.

"as I peel off

my parka and boots,

"a white frozen lump

falls out of my tuque

"and skitters across the floor.

"is it a snowball,

a lump of ice, a pinecone?

"golly, no.

It's my left ear.

"I feel I should

go paint something...

Perhaps a shed."

ah, the earth is

an amazing thing, isn't it?

Out there in the forest

is a patch of mud can't

be more than 5 feet across,

and we've got 17 vehicles,

9 power tools,

and a mule stuck in it.

And counting.

[ laughs ]

no, no, harold.

We're getting serious now.

We're gonna take this

power winch out there,

hook her up

to the big oak tree

on the other side

of the street,

and just winch everything

out of there.

Uncle red, that is such

a false economy.

I mean, for 5 bucks,

flinty would have come

and started stinky's car,

and the whole thing

would have been done with.

But instead, look at all

the money you've squandered.

We have squandered zero,

harold.

Everybody provided

their own vehicles,

and we all own the tools,

and the mule was stolen.

Where's the false economy?

[ laughs ] okay.

Well, all right.

What about all the gas

you burned?

And what about your time?

What is your time worth?

What does a professional

incompetent charge?

Zero, harold.

We don't charge people

for having fun.

That's a much older profession

than any of ours.

But still, but still,

stinky could have had

the trabant going for 5 bucks.

Stinky can replace the trabant

for 5 bucks.

No, no, no, no, no.

You cannot buy

a new trabant for $5.

You can buy stinky's

as is, where is, how is.

No chance-is.

[ chuckles ]

well, then, fine.

Excuse me.

I got an appointment

with a big oak tree.

Uncle red, that's what

the bathroom's for.

I'll tell you, winston,

with the power of this rig,

we'll have everybody out of

the ditch and home for supper.

Let's go.

Red, I -- I can't.

What, you lose the keys?

Don't worry about it.

I know how

to hot-wire these things.

Red, we can't use the truck.

I'll tell you why.

When I broke in to the

sludge-sucking business, red,

I made myself

one promise.

Do you know what

that promise was?

Always wash your hands

before lunch?

No.

I just made a promise

to myself

to only use this truck

to make money.

You may find this

hard to believe,

but, uh, I've never once

used this truck for pleasure,

just business.

So you won't help

a friend in need?

Uh, you know what

anthony anthony says

about that, eh?

Oh, man, not that

"succeed through success" bozo

on tv at night.

Hey, wait a minute, red.

Anthony anthony just happens

to be financial advisor

to florence henderson,

gavin macleod,

and a host of other

important hollywood celebrities

who just love to pop in on

his infomercials and say hello.

You know what he says, eh?

He's says that, uh, "a friend

in need is a customer."

you got to hear it.

It's really good.

I'm not gonna listen

to that.

[ sloop! Crash! ]

so, what does anthony anthony

have to say

about public relations

and community involvement?

I don't know. It was on

the other side of that tape.

Uh, I was gonna listen

to it tonight.

Whoa!

Well, I got to tell you --

a block and tackle

is one powerful tool.

Whoo! Did you get all

the vehicles out of the mud?

Don't get ahead of me,

harold.

Well, we hooked everything up

to the big oak tree

the other side

of the road, there.

And we started winching,

and we winched,

and we winched, and we winched,

and not one vehicle moved.

Well, that's not possible.

Something had to have moved.

You're right, harold.

The oak tree

come right across the road.

Root ball and all.

So then we figured, "gee,

if we had enough extra chain,

"we could probably hook

the whole rig

up to buster hadfield's

house."

wait, wait, wait, wait,

'cause buster hadfield's house

is quite a distance

from that forest.

Not anymore.

No, by the time

we got done with her,

his house was right

in the middle of the vehicles.

Looked good, too.

Kind of the cars --

cars and trucks are kind of

like lawn ornaments, there.

Of course he had the big oak,

which is nice.

Uncle red, it's okay

to damage your own junk,

but you got to replace

everything else.

Yeah, well, we got flinty's

emergency crane coming in there,

gonna lift everything back

to where it's supposed to go.

Aha!

Well, isn't it lucky that

you didn't phone earlier.

He would have made a mere $5

removing just the one vehicle.

Yeah, I figure he's gonna

make enough money

to pay for the wedding.

Wedding?

[ laughs ]

he's gonna marry

stinky's girlfriend, right?

Well, we don't call her

"stinky's girlfriend" anymore.

We call her --

we call her

"flinty's fiancée" now.

So, let me just see, then.

So, what stinky has to show

for his foolish pride

is merely a mud-covered,

broken-down trabant.

No, not even that. He's

giving her that for

a wedding present,

so he's getting some revenge

in there.

Oh.

[ screeching ]

oh, it's meeting time,

uncle red.

Yeah, you go ahead,

harold.

I'll be down after

I get cleaned up.

Okay.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And you know how you always

wanted that mud room?

Well, I think

tonight's your lucky night.

Hopefully, it'll be mine, too.

And to the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching.

On behalf of harold and myself,

until next time around,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all right!

All rise!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Red: If you'd like to become

a member of possum lodge

and you got 3 bucks to blow,

you can either mail it to

the address here on the screen

or dial 1-800-ypossum.