School Demo/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

As you can see, I've got

a bunch of roof trusses here.

That's because sometimes

when you do a job

you over-estimate the amount of

materials you're gonna need,

and you end up with a

fair whack of it left over.

Not me, but that construction

site up the street sure does.

I mean, they roofed a whole

house and they had all

these left over.

You know, unless they're gonna

put a roof on the garage.

But who puts a regular

roof on a garage?

The point is

that a man my age

should be able to do something

creative with roof trusses.

We know a

little about roofs,

and most of us have had

experience with trusses.

The main thing to notice here

is all the triangles inside

one of these.

And we all know how

strong triangles are.

Remember your bicycle?

Remember how strong that

crossbar felt when the

chain broke?

See, it's the triangles

inside the trusses

that make them strong

enough to hold up a roof.

So I figure they gotta be

strong enough to hold up a car.

That's right,

you guessed it.

With the help of a little

middle-aged ingenuity,

and a roll or two of the

handyman's secret weapon,

I'm gonna show you

how to get two vehicles

into one parking space.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

Town council's decided to

demolish the old school

that we all went to,

and they're asking for local

tenders from anybody

who'd like to rip her down.

And guess who

got the contract?!

Serendipity do da day!

Boy, this has to be the

best day of my life,

mr. Green!

Being asked to

break and enter!

No more homework,

no more books,

the whole darned school's

gettin' the hook!

I'm gonna knock down every

corner they ever made

me stand in.

Actually, I blame my teachers

for my life of crime.

They flunked me

so many times,

when I finally made it

outta there, I was

tried as an adult.

Uncle red!

I just heard you guys

are gonna tear down

the old school.

Is that true, or did

my ears deceive me?

Well, they sure

don't flatter you.

No, I mean, you guys know

nothing about demolition.

Harold,

look around you.

Yeah, but I also heard

you're doing it for free.

Well, that was

the lowest tender.

Look, don't be a wet

blanket here, harold,

you've had enough

wet blankets in your life.

We've got a job to do,

and we're gonna go do it.

Lead on, mike.

You're tearing the

school down for nothing.

What kind of business

deal is that?

Pretty good one,

coz we were

willing to pay.

Okay, well...

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner receives this

coupon for a free burger

from marty's mystery

meat market,

where if you can guess the

animal you're eating,

we'll give you

a free otter.

Okay, cover your

ear things, winston.

Mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds

to get winston rothschild

to say this word...

Yeah, all right, mike.

And... Go!

Uh, okay, winston,

when you first started

high school,

you were encouraged

to pick a...

Desk near the front.

Okay, no no, okay,

your guidance counselor

helped you to find a...

Reason to hate

guidance counselors.

Okay, okay, to you now sewage

is not just a job it's a...

Privilege.

Okay, okay.

Let's say you have a job

that you will never lose

no matter how bad

you screw it up, okay.

We call that a...

Senate appointment.

Uh, we're almost

outta time, mr. Green.

Okay, winston,

your dad,

he's a real talker,

I want you to tell me

what your mom says about him,

but say it real slow.

She says he can

talk her ear off.

"tall career"!

I heard it. I heard it!

At rothschild's,

our motto is,

just do it...

Then call us.

You know, as a vehicle gets

older and you you don't

take care of it,

it will eventually get too

dangerous to put on the road.

Like this baby here.

No brakes left

on her at all,

which is a bad

idea in our area,

because we got lotsa hills

and at least one lawyer.

But the engine's

still good.

And it doesn't seem right to

throw out the whole thing

when one part still works.

That'd be a dangerous precedent

for any middle aged husband.

So instead, I'm gonna convert

this historic automobile

into a one-of-a-kind

gasoline-powered yard clock.

Step one...

Take off all the small

pieces of chrome trim.

Okay, now, you mount the

little pieces of chrome

around the hood, see?

That'll be the

numbers on your clock.

Make sure it's

a perfect circle.

Geometry is actually a big part

of today's handyman corner.

Next thing you wanna do

is drill a precision hole

exactly dead-centre

in your clock.

I did eventually

find the centre.

Kind of a process

of elimination.

Now, these

windshield wipers here,

they're my hour hand

and my minute hand.

And then I've used this radio

antenna as my second hand.

But I really coulda used

anything off the vehicle,

coz it's a

second-hand car.

[ laughter ]

okay, now, this is

the tricky part.

You gotta find a way

for the minute hand

to go 60 times slower

than the second hand,

and for the hour hand to go

60 times slower than

the minute hand.

Now, if I had to do

that in my head,

I know I'd be looking at a very

serious cranial implosion.

So instead, I took the

workings out of an old

grandfather clock

that bernice inherited,

and just used that.

Besides, we always forgot

to wind that old clock.

And now with

this gas-powered unit,

we don't even have to.

And to get the engine

to run the clock,

I spliced a couple of

fan belts together,

run them off the water pump and

around this clothes line pulley.

All right,

let's fire her up!

Oh, I might run the grandfather

clock outta harm's way.

Bernice gets a little weird

whenever I touch her stuff.

I got her set to

1,000 rpm for starters,

and I can just adjust from

there if it's the wrong speed.

And I added a couple

extra doo-dads.

I put a couple of switches

at 12 o'clock and the

6 o'clock position,

then wired them

into the horn relay.

So you get a signal

on the hour

and on the half hour.

[ horn honking ]

and then I put another

movable switch in there

that you can stick

anywhere you want.

I put it right beside

the 9 o'clock there.

That's the alarm.

I got it wired

into the car radio.

[ music playing ]

so remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you --

oh yeah, one other thing.

If the radio's not strong

enough to get you up,

I added another

little feature.

Mounted a little teeter-totter

there beside the hour that I

wanted to get up at

and then I just balance a

little shotgun shell on there.

You'll notice I've taken

the air cleaner off

the carburetor.

There's a reason for that.

This'll either wake you up,

or put you to sleep forever.

[ ♪ ]

you know, with all the special

effects hollywood has

these days,

they can make things happen

in movies that would never

happen in life.

Like, say, a young,

good-looking woman

falls for a fat, bald,

middle aged guy.

That's a fantasy

right there.

It's a fantasy you just can't

get in the real world.

Well, okay, maybe

you can get it,

but it tends

to be expensive.

And usually leads

to a couple of arrests...

One police, one cardiac.

Now, I'm not saying that there

aren't any young women

who are attracted

to us middle aged guys.

But if you walk around sucking

your gut in until you find one,

you're gonna wind up

hunch-backed.

The younger women

tend to like younger men.

That's because they can

still sculpt and mold them.

It's hard enough to wait

until the guy's mother

is done with him;

it's impossible if they wait

until mother nature

has taken him

into the late rounds.

Coz a woman sees a man

not as a man,

but as a do-it-yourself

man kit.

And nobody wants

to play with a kit

after somebody else

has glued it together.

Especially if they

lost the directions

and wrecked the

most important parts.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for ya;

we're all

in this together.

[ applause ]

rothschild sewage

is just what you need...

You bite, we suck,

everybody's happy.

Heheheh.

Well, the town council gave

us four weeks to tear

down the school.

We did her in 27 minutes.

I'll tell ya, first time I

enjoyed going to the

principal's office.

Uncle red!

Yeah?

That was awful!

Oh boy.

You weren't supposed to

pulverize everything.

The bricks coulda

been recycled.

Well, they still can,

harold,

just add water to the

powder, you got clay.

Hahaha! Whoa!

I feel like a man again!

That was great!

Way better than

marriage counselling.

Mike,

you feelin' okay?

Yep.

No headache

or anything?

No.

I do not

get you guys.

You just tore down

a whole part of your life.

You're not the least

bit upset about it.

Can you not see that that

school was a part of

each of you?!

Well, I can see it

was a part of mike.

I mean the place represents

a time in your life

when you were young

and full of hope

and promise.

This is not a happy day;

this is a sad day.

If you had any

sensitivity at all,

you'd be full of

regret right now.

Harold, every time I see you,

I'm full of regret.

Don't you regret

things in life that

didn't turn out?

You know, like marriage

or career or...

Things you said?

Things you didn't say.

Things you shoulda

said but didn't

because you're a man

and you just sucked it up

so missed the opportunity

to tell your dad how

much admired him,

and you missed the chance for

him to tell you how proud

of you he is of you.

Things like that.

Harold...

I just wanted

to be hugged.

But no, I had to settle

for what I could get!

Wasn't good

enough for daddy!

[ sobbing ]

I just wanted

a little affection.

He said I'd go blind!

Red: When you're a man,

there is nothing better than

having a big steak barbeque.

Bill had brought the barbeque

and mike was there,

and there's walter

behind the coolers.

You gotta have the

beverages, you know.

Actually, I think

the meat was in there.

So bill's -- oh the --

okay, the barbeque is not

in pristine condition.

But, uh, no problem,

get that lid off one way.

There we go.

Now, wait, wait, no,

you don't need charcoal.

This is a propane unit.

You know, it's not new,

but it's still good.

No, I'm wrong.

It is a charcoal barbeque.

So bill -- and then the bottom

comes out -- oh boy!

Bottom come

right out of her.

All right, no,

that's good, that's good.

And meanwhile, just set

those down on --

table doesn't look --

doesn't look

strong enough to me.

But I get the barbeque

starter from mike.

I probably should've

put this on myself,

but foolishly I --

bill likes to take over.

And he likes to -- he likes

to put things in --

and he probably

overdid her a little.

So I'm just steppin' back.

Meanwhile, walter and mike

are getting out the steak.

Got some beautiful

steaks there.

And they kinda go up --

we got the small,

we got the medium,

and they eventually

get to the large,

which may look like

that picture in health

of a couple

of sets of lungs.

Man, that looks good.

Meanwhile, he's put

the -- oh!

Okay, bill, I'm not sure --

there's a lotta gas --

bill, there's a lotta gas,

I think maybe you

should just --

oh, yeah.

He's not worried.

Okay, he thinks that's fine,

but you know what,

he's not looking at the

origin, actually, of the flame.

So what do you

do now, bill? Hmm?

Mr. Smarty? Oh!

All right, good,

no, that works.

Okay, meanwhile we got

all the meat laying out...

Well, you know, once you

heat up the barbeque,

you might as well

cook for the whole season.

And an odd thing

about having meat.

It seems to draw the flies,

and I dunno...

It just -- out there for two

minutes and suddenly you got

the flies all over it.

We have a lot of

flies in our area.

It's actually

the provincial bird.

So we get the

flies outta there,

and then bill slaps --

that was a mistake there.

And mike, he had been a drummer

with trooper in the early days.

So he got -- and then

again he -- oh boy.

Snagged one there.

And then walter had the bug --

actually that's gonna

affect the taste,

and he goes, yeah, it is.

So luckily, bill had

brought the bug light,

which apparently

attracts the flies.

He plugged it in,

and the flies just start

migrating over there,

which is good, but you

know with those bug lights,

they can only handle

so many flies,

and then they --

so that was a problem,

now the flies are all

coming back.

So they're starting to

get on our bodies and stuff,

so mike grabs a chop

and starts choppin',

I guess you could say.

The thing about flies,

you know individually

they're not that strong.

When you get a

group of them together

they have a fair

amount of lift on them.

They can actually take a steak

right out of your hand.

Hang on there.

You're losing him.

You're losing him!

Oh man.

And what happened next,

I really can't describe.

I just -- I cannot

erase the memory

of all of our great steaks

levitating in front

of our very eyes.

If you see these flying

over your house,

please call the lodge.

[ applause ]

you know, one of the

strongest bonds in life

is between the man

and his vehicle.

It's almost like you know

what each other is thinking.

Unfortunately, there are

people in this world

who don't appreciate that quiet

and intimate understanding.

You know who

I'm talking about.

People who sit over

in this area here

and tell you everything

you're doing wrong.

"hey, slow down!"

"that was a

stop sign, you know."

"where are we?"

that kinda thing.

But the biggest

dividing point comes

when this little light

by the fuel gauge goes on.

The passenger starts goin'

squirrely on ya,

but you know you've

got 50 or 60 miles

before there's

any real problem.

Well, here's a way

to keep everybody happy.

When that light goes on,

it just means there's

not enough gas

in the part of the gas tank

where the switch is.

So all you gotta do is loosen

off the gas tank straps

and then just tip

the tank a little.

The trick is, we need a way

to tilt the tank from

the driver's seat.

And it's gotta be something

subtle that the passenger

won't notice.

Now, sure, you know, if you

were a government engineer

you'd probably build some

type of hydraulic lift,

but I don't have the kind of

free time those guys do.

So let's see what we can make

with the materials that

are available.

I guess you could call this rig

public enema number 1.

I ran the tube

up inside the car,

and I got it to the

driver's seat,

but now I need something that

will inflate the rubber bottle

and tilt the tank.

And look what I've found.

A whoopi cushion.

Is this my

lucky day, or what?

All I gotta do is

blow this baby up,

and then slip it over

the end of my feeder tube,

and I'm in business.

Okay, I've got my

whoopi cushion hooked up,

and in place and completely

under my control.

So I'm driving along

and I look down and...

Oh, my goodness!

The fuel light is on.

And the passenger starts

screaming...

As a woman: Hey, stupid,

you're outta gas.

Outta gas?

I don't think so.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ blubbering ]

well, this is great.

Harold's got half

the lodge cryin'.

Bit of a kleenex

shortage going on here.

What exactly is dalton's

problem, harold?

Well, it seems when he was a

boy, his father gave

him a chicken.

But it was supposed

to be a rooster!

I waited for it to say

cockledoodledo till

I was 11!

[ both sobbing ]

there was no

cockledoodledo!

What's wrong

with them?

Well, they got the

cryin' flu,

and typhoid harold

is the carrier.

Geez, I was so happy

when we flattened

the school.

Now I'm disquieted.

Just as long as

you don't start crying.

Oh, don't worry,

mr. Green.

I've been

in the slammer.

I've seen it all.

Nothing makes me cry.

No.

That's what I vowed

to myself.

Yeah. Yeah.

That first night.

Oh.

When the cell door closed.

Oh, boy!

Mike?

All right.

That was good.

[ laughing turns

to sobbing ]

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Meeting time.

[ wailing ]

okay, if my wife

is watching,

I will definitely be coming

straight home after the meeting.

I gotta get outta here.

I haven't seen

this many men crying

since they

cancelled baywatch.

And to the rest of ya,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole sobbing gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

meeting come to order.

Sit down. Sit down, everybody.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to... I guess.

All right, men, we had a

little incident here today.

We knocked the school down

and there was a lotta dust.

And it got into the eyes and

some guys got teary-eyed.

Dalton here got teary-eyed.

And I'm wondering, did anybody

else get teary-eyed?

Anybody?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

It was just the dust.

That's all it was,

it was just dust.

So from now on, whenever

we do a job like this,

we're gonna wear

safety goggles.

My dad had a pair like that!

[ everybody sobbing ]

[ ♪ ]