Hoard Of The Flies/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, I like the

expression waste not, want not.

Or in harold's case,

want not, you not.

So I found a use for these

little slivers of soap

that are too small

to shower with.

These are a lot

like lodge members.

You always find one

at the end of a bar,

and it usually

gets thrown out.

But don't throw them out.

Instead, cut them

into little pieces

the same width as the legs

of your kitchen chairs.

And then stick them

on to the bottoms

with the handyman's

secret weapon.

See, these things

will stop the chairs

from scratching

your linoleum,

just as good as those felt

pads you can buy at

dalton's store,

if you're absolutely

made of money.

But that's not

all it can do...

Because the next time

your wife asks you to

wash the floor,

you don't even

have to get up.

[ crash! ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

All right.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week --

boy the flies are --

you want flies

with that?

Unbelievable.

They got one of those antique

road show type things in town,

where they invite people to

bring out your old,

useless junk

and they tell you

if it's worth anything.

Dalton's wife

took him over there.

She was hoping

he was worth 40 bucks,

and he was wearing

a $50 hat.

[ cheers and applause ]

you are so fly.

Yeah?

Well, you

are so bug.

Well, maybe you won't

feel that way about me

after I'm stinking rich.

Yes, I will,

I just won't mention it.

How are you going

to get rich, harold?

Are you going

to sue your parents?

Because I think you

have a case.

No, I have a treasure,

something priceless that

I've managed to hold onto

since childhood.

Can't be

what I'm thinkin'.

Oh, man!

What?

Well, do the words

hello, dolly,

mean anything to you?

It's not a doll, it's a

priceless porcelain figurine.

Yes, it is, and when

the appraisers see it,

they'll confirm

my suspicions.

Harold, seeing you

with a doll

confirms everyone's

suspicions.

I'll show you what

a treasure looks like.

Look at this baby

right here.

That's a genuine,

turn-of-the-century

antique fishing basket.

This is like a

family heirloom, harold.

This is my most

prized possession.

More so than

the possum van?

How can that be?

You know, sarcasm

is a dangerous tool.

Well, I've learned

from the best,

the dangerous

tool himself.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's prize

is a free, uh --

fang --

uh, fing shooi --

uh, sorry.

Uh, what does that say?

Coupon.

Cover your ears, dalton.

Red, you've got 30 seconds to

get dalton humphrey

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, dalton,

agatha christie

is what kind of writer?

Dead.

No, but before

that she was...

British.

Um, this is another

word for whodunit.

Paternity suit?

No, okay, okay,

something happens

and you think it

was an accident,

but it wasn't an accident,

that's called a...

Shotgun wedding.

Uh, almost

outta time, red.

Yeah.

Okay, dalton, this starts

with the letter "m",

it's got seven

letters in it,

and whenever you hear it,

you know some

poor guy is dead.

Married.

Dalton, why are you

so negative about marriage?

If you spent a little

more time with ann marie,

it wouldn't be

such a mystery.

There we go.

Joining us today

on harold's hobby house,

to tell us all

about his hobby

is urban legend

and rural myth,

mr. Hap shaughnessy.

[ cheers and applause ]

I have so many

hobbies, harold,

I could be your

guest every week.

Well, I think maybe

we should focus.

Well, exactly.

So I've zeroed in

on my love for art,

my ability to evaluate

great paintings.

Oh, okay, and you

can do that as a hobby?

Oh, sure.

It takes a keen eye

and a suspicious mind

to authenticate

a painting.

Now, you take these

two rembrandts.

Would you have guessed

that one of them

is worthless?

I would've guessed

more than that.

You know, you don't often see

black velvet paintings

done by the masters.

Okay, now,

that's very good.

And if you look

very closely,

you'll see that

this painting

has the same type of velvet

that was popular in France

in the late 1800s.

Yes, but rembrandt was in

holland in the 1600s.

Right.

And that's how we know that

this painting is a fake.

Now, then, the other one

is the true rembrandt.

Another clue is his signature

down here in the corner.

Yeah, that's not how

you spell rembrandt.

There's supposed

to be a "d".

That's a silent "d",

harold.

At that time all silent ds

were written with

invisible ink.

Whatever was

I thinking?

Well, don't feel bad.

You just haven't

done the research.

You don't know

the history.

As you get older,

harold,

you'll find that history

is the truth.

Oh, really?

Because when

I speak with you,

I oftentimes feel that

the truth is history.

[ applause ]

you know, every once

in a while the gods

smile on us.

It might be

a gapped-tooth smile,

but who's complaining?

See, we have this old,

rundown, outdated hospital

in port asbestos.

Well, last month

they closed it,

which they figure will save

thousands of lives.

They opened up a new modern

facility with real doctors,

who do things like

wear rubber gloves,

which would make

all the difference.

And the lucky part is

I managed to get my hands

on all this used

hospital gear.

Now, I'm not a doctor,

don't even play one

on television.

But I believe I can transform

this old medical equipment

into something

cheap and useful.

The exact opposite

of what it's been so far.

Now, this unit

is called a gurney,

which is a medical expression

for horizontal wedgie.

The beauty

of this baby

is the adjustable height.

I'm gonna take her down

as far as she'll go

because that gives us

the lowest centre of gravity

and when the horizontal

wedgie kicks in,

I won't have

as far to fall.

Now, the reason for the

low centre of gravity

is because I'm

actually building

a self-propelled

vehicle out of this junk.

If you already

figured that out,

you're startin'

to think like me,

and you might wanna

warn your loved ones.

Now, of course,

using the gurney tires

as drive wheels

would be stupid.

So instead I'm going

with these high precision,

oversized rim

wheelchair racing tires.

Mount the wheelchair backwards

on one end of the gurney.

And make sure she's

on there good and solid.

Not only able

to handle high speeds,

but also high speed

accidents.

Okay, got my drive

train all hooked up.

A couple of

cordless drills

mounted on some I.V. Stands

did the trick.

But I need a

little extra speed,

because if people see those

I.V. Stands put-putting along

they'll start calling me

a slow drip.

See, the beauty of going

with electric drive

is that it's real easy

to amp up the horsepower.

The drills have got

18 volt motors in them,

but these emergency hospital

batteries are 24 volts each.

Now, you may call

that too much juice,

I call it a good start.

I'm hooking the

batteries up in series

so I'm actually

going to have 72 volts

running through the drills.

They'll go like stink,

but not for long,

which is fine with me.

It's the same prognosis

my doctor gave me.

Now, for those

safety nuts out there,

I've got this anchor attached

to a chunk of surgical tubing.

That'll give me a soft

but effective braking system.

I call it abs,

a big stretch.

My wife just calls it bs.

You can blow up a bunch

of surgical gloves

and use 'em as air bags.

And when they're

not in use,

of course, you'll keep 'em

in the glove compartment.

Okay, we're just about

ready for our test drive.

I thought the

doctor's outfit

would fit in nice with

the medical motif.

At my age, you don't get

to play doctor all that often.

Plus I figure if

things don't work out,

the emergency room doctors

will probably give me

better treatment,

if they think

I'm one of them.

Speaking of hospitals now,

it occurred to me

that brakes are fine,

but steering might

also be a nice touch.

So I wired up this

cardiac defibrillator

to control the amount of juice

going to each of my drills.

And I took off the voltage

regulator knob

and replaced it

with a steering wheel.

So now when I turn right,

most of the electricity

goes to the right-side

defibrillator paddle

and makes that drill

go faster, so I turn right --

no, that would be left.

Okay, no, turn left.

All right, okay,

the steering's backwards,

but I can remember that.

Our roads are

pretty straight anyway.

And that's how you make

an exciting vehicle

out of a bunch of

old hospital junk.

The beauty

of this car is

if you do get

into an accident,

you can actually treat

yourself until the

medics arrive.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Clear!

We have a few father and son

businesses in our area.

You know, like

jones and son heating.

It's always

someone and son.

Of course,

the someone has a name,

the son is just a son.

You never see

dad and jones.

And when you're

the father

it's probably natural

to want your son

to follow you

into business.

It's one of the many

downsides of success.

But you should remember

that there are

about 10 million different

careers out there,

and they keep

inventing more...

Mp3 driver repairman,

reality tv host,

gay bar bouncer.

Maybe your kid would

rather be one of those.

You may think

he's like you,

but if he doesn't

share your taste

in music, tv, movies,

food or tattoos,

is he gonna share

your taste in jobs?

Or maybe you just

want him to be like you.

Check with his mother.

That may not be

such a hot idea.

Instead, let the kid

decide for himself.

Think of how

many times a year

you go and

visit your dad.

How would like

to see him every day

on the other side

of your desk?

You'd be even lazier

than you are now.

It's one of the

laws of nature

that when the father rises

the son sets.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

[ applause ]

[ fly buzzing ]

well, I just got back

from visiting

those antique experts.

They don't know what

they're talkin' about.

They told me my fishing

basket was a piece of crap.

I told them it dates

back to the early orient,

but they said

"made in taiwan"

doesn't add value.

And the flies

are just brutal.

The windshield

of the possum van

looks like harold's

graduation picture.

♪ la la la la la ♪

♪ la-la la! ♪

okay, that's it,

harold,

step away

from the doll.

No, no, I do not think

I will be letting

this doll out of my sight

very soon at all.

Don't tell me it's

actually worth something.

$3,500!

Holy dina!

Well, you need to put

that somewhere safe.

Somewhere where

nobody but you goes.

How about

your bedroom?

No, I gotta

put it somewhere

where people won't

think to look.

I have to put the

doll inside something

completely worthless,

which shouldn't

be too difficult.

Oh! Oh!

Your fishing basket.

That's perfect.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, harold,

but I hope you'll

remember this

when you eventually

sell the doll

in terms of

sharing the upside

with the person that

helped you keep it safe.

Oh, yeah, okay, whatever.

Oh! How brilliant is that!

Oh, yeah, harold,

you're a genius.

Yes, I am.

Gimme five!

[ laughter and applause ]

red: Bill and walter decided

to do a little skateboarding,

and bill couldn't

even get out the door.

That's a good sign.

Kind of a

dangerous sport for --

well, there you're

through now.

And there's the skateboards.

So walter comes out and

bill catches the downspout.

They say most accidents

happen out home.

That explains both of them.

So walter's lookin'

at the clogged drainpipe.

He's gonna blow it out.

Oh!

She seems clear

as a bell now.

So he apologizes to bill

and gets cleaned up.

And walter notices

the entire eavestrough

is just covered with leaves

and twigs and what have you

from many, many seasons.

So they're thinking maybe

they should clean out

the eavestroughs,

and they can probably

combine the hobby

with the job.

Use the skateboards

on a ladder.

So they can roll

the ladder along

and they can clean out the

eavestrough as they go,

but walter misunderstood

and put it on his end, so --

now you've got what we

like to call a double ender.

And so get her up

towards the roof there.

And easy now,

bill, easy, easy.

Easy, easy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Probably just as well

he doesn't have kids anyway.

So he gets it in place

yeah, you're good,

you're great.

Yeah, we understand,

we get it.

We get it, boys.

Oh, isn't that

just peachy?

Okay, so walter goes

up the ladder and the idea is

if he takes one of those

small little garden shovels

he can stick that

in the eavestrough.

And bill will just

slide the unit along,

and it'll clean out the

eavestrough as they go.

And it's working

real good.

But then, uh,

walter drops the shovel.

Bill doesn't see it,

and he trips on it,

and he pushes the ladder.

The next thing you know,

walter's pickin' up

speed here.

This could be dangerous.

No, you're good.

You're good.

You're okay, walter.

It's okay, there's

a kiddie park there.

That'll slow you down.

You should be fine.

Oh, no, not the swings!

Not the swings.

Okay, take a breath.

Oh, no, you're good --

oh, whoa!

Okay, all right.

So that's what the the

skateboard was for.

Into the clothesline,

back the other way.

Okay, is it all comin'

back to you now, walter?

Oh, boy!

And, uh, I'll be

home in a minute.

And okay, we said

clean out the eavestroughs,

not clean 'em off.

Okay, so you

remember that, kids.

Skateboarding

is very dangerous.

[ applause ]

you know, when you

live in our climate,

guys have to

make a tough decision.

Do you try to impress the

ladies with a sporty

convertible,

or do you get a

vehicle that can survive

the other 11½ months

of the year?

I mean, this baby won't

get stuck in the mud

or avalanches,

but it's not exactly

a chick magnet.

They call it

a pick-up,

but that's

false advertising.

But I'm gonna show you

how you can have

the best of both worlds

using everyday items you find

in your own bedroom closet...

Chain cutters, crowbar,

hockey stick,

crutches and a garden claw.

When the cold weather

starts in late August,

you put everything

back where it was,

but until then,

you get the fun and glamour

of a convertible.

And as far as

the girls go,

I think the main thing

is to get attention.

And believe me,

you'll get attention.

[ applause ]

[ flies buzzing ]

well, the antique roadshow

hit the road

and we've got

nothing to show for it.

Other than harold,

the only guy who did okay

was old man sedgwick,

because he had these shoes

that dated back to

the mid-1800s.

They said they

were worth five grand,

but he wouldn't sell because

he's still wearing them.

Hey, red.

Yeah?

Have you

seen harold?

Yeah, he's downstairs

hanging strips

of flypaper.

I hear he's getting into the

collectibles business now.

I've got a doll

to sell him.

Dalton,

that's a g.I. Joe.

Yes, but it's valuable.

I'd like $3,500.

But you know, I'm prepared

to let it go for 17 bucks.

I'll tell him

you're here.

Hey, harold, come on

up here for a minute.

Harold: I can't!

I'm stuck

in the fly paper.

Oh, man.

Dalton, no!!

What?

What have you done?

I-it was

an accident.

You swung a

bowling ball at a fly.

What did you think

was going to happen?

A seven-ten split?

Did I just hear

something unfortunate?

My figurine is ruined!

Dalton smashed the basket.

Oh, now,

calm down, harold.

I was worried about

the thing lying in there,

so I moved it

somewhere safe.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Whoo! Whoo!

Where'd you put it?

Uh, oh, I put it

in that bowling bag.

What? What?

It's in there.

It's fine.

I'm sure

it's fine.

What's wrong?

Audience: Awwww!

Uh, well, dalton,

I think you should

give harold you g.I. Joe.

G.I. Joe?

Okay. Okay.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you guys

go ahead.

I'll be right down.

Oh, boy.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

We all learned an

important lesson today.

That the only value

in something is in using it.

Get it?

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself,

harold,

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down.

Meeting's coming to order.

Everybody sit down.

Sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

Okay, great news, men.

Now that we've proven that

everything in the lodge

is worthless crap,

we qualify for

cheaper insurance.

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