You've Got Oil/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

How many times has

this happened to you...

You think you've found the

perfect parking spot,

and turns out to be right in

front of a fire hydrant.

Well, doesn't have

to be a problem anymore.

Okay, it's summer, so...

There's the one.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Well, big, big week

up at the lodge this week.

They discovered oil

up by port asbestos,

and now they're

looking for a path

to run the oil pipeline.

See, they'll only use places

where there's no risk

of further

environmental damage.

And we're lookin'

real good.

Uncle red!

[ applause ]

spilled the coffee,

did you, harold?

This is not coffee;

this is oil!

I just fell in a big

pool of it out front.

Oh, no, that's just

a little test, harold.

They dug a little hole,

and then they put

oil in there

to see what

would happen.

And nothing happened.

This happened.

Well, that was your

fault, harold, okay.

Don't you blow

this thing, okay.

I'm making a deal

with the oil company.

They're gonna pay us

for the privilege of

runnin' the pipeline

through the

lodge property.

Well, I wished I'd known

so I could protest it.

I can be pretty

obnoxious you know.

No kiddin'.

Harold, listen,

a harmless little

pipeline

running through some

part of the lodge

is not going

to bother anybody.

And they're gonna

pay money, harold,

real money: Oil money.

Well, some of that

should be my money,

because I found the oil.

That would make me rich.

Oh, no, no, no.

You dropped in

the oil.

That makes you

a dipstick.

[ laughter / applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers / applause ]

today mike hamar will be

playing for dinner for two

at chuck's chip wagon.

At chuck's we have

a saying...

"when the

chips are down,

"they won't be for long."

okay, mike,

cover your ears.

Okay, red, you've

got 30 seconds

to mike hamar

to say this word...

All right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, mike, when you

do something bad,

that brings you shame;

but when you do something

good, that brings you...

Parole.

Um, esteem.

A kettle.

Okay, okay!

When you trust people

to pay for things

and you never check

up on them,

that's called the

"something" system.

The stupid system.

Uh, red,

almost outta time.

Yeah, okay.

Mike, remember a few

years ago you stole

a woman's purse?

That was because back then

you were a man without...

Money.

Okay, but then later

you took the purse and

returned it to her,

because you became

a man with...

An empty purse.

See, I thought her

money was in her purse,

but she had it on her.

There we go!

Men, as your lodge leader,

I have the power

to designate someone as a

lifetime charter member

of the lodge.

I can pick somebody

who has maybe

made a big impact

on lodge life,

or somebody that

nobody hates,

or somebody who may give us

money at some point in

the future.

So I'd like you to sit up

and show a little respect

and go so far as to pretend

that you're listening

to tonight's recipient

of this honour,

mr. Charlie farquharson!

[ cheers / applause ]

by golly, this is

quite a surprise.

It's my first time

at possum lodge.

I finally decided to see where

the smell was coming from.

I do have a family

connection to this area.

My mother's maiden

name was boyle,

and her mother's

maiden name was payne.

Well, there's my

second cousin george,

who everybody said was a

boyle on my mother's side,

but people who

knew him well

said he was more of

a payne than a boyle.

His son lance was

a little of each.

George almost made

the guinness book

of record in 1937

'cause when he moved from

parry sound to possum lake,

he raised the average

I.Q. Of both places.

George decided to be a

farmer when he got here

because he had

bought a farm,

and that's what they're for.

He had two wooden legs,

and I remember he used

to get slivers

every time he took

his pants off too fast,

which he did on a

regular basis.

You gotta expect a man with

wooden legs to be a little

knotty [ naughty ].

[ laughing ]

but then one night

george had a barn fire,

and he was burned

to the ground.

My wife and former

sweetheart valeeta and I

still live in parry sound

and we both owe you fellas

a big thank-you,

because you guys at the lodge

sure make everybody

in parry sound

feel better

about themselves.

But in closing I'd like to

thank you all for this honour.

I'm sure I'll appreciate it

a lot more in the future

than I will tomorrow

in the pasture.

[ laughing ]

I had a little problem

up at the lodge.

Nothing serious.

20,000 gallons of

some kind of toxic liquid

mysteriously gathered at

the low end of the

parking lot.

So the government

guys come down here,

and they're in the process

of pumping it into

these drums.

They're gonna go dump it

into the hudson river

or something.

But there's an upside.

See, they've all

gone off to the hospital

because one of the guys

spilled some of the stuff

down the front

of his pants.

And he immediately stopped

worrying about the ozone,

and started worrying

about the fun zone.

So now I'm left here with a

high-volume, gas-powered

water pump

and 200 feet of hose.

And I'm sure you're thinking

what I'm thinking...

Jet boat.

Is this a great

idea or what?

It's light, it's strong

and it's shock absorbent.

Always an asset when you

dock a boat the way I do.

Now, I sealed off the

other end of the hose

with the handyman's

secret weapon.

But I want to stick some

kind of removable plug

in this end,

because this going

to be a fishing boat,

and I'm planning on using

the hose as a live well.

I just need to find something

the right size and shape.

Now, I know people are

going to be impressed

with this boat,

but I want it

to be in a good way.

So I need to add some kind

of a cabin or a bridge

to the unit.

And like all the

great boat builders,

thor heyerdahl,

robinson crusoe,

huckleberry finn,

I'm going to make it out of

materials I have at hand.

And there's my bridge.

Even got a

little windshield.

Cleanest windshield

you'll ever see.

And that's how you take

a bunch of leftover junk

and turn it into something

useful and attractive.

Exact opposite of what

the government does.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to get up to the

yacht club for the sailpast.

I wanna talk to you older

guys about watching

your language.

Now, I don't mean

those words you use

when you hit a thumb

with your hammer

or a tree with your hummer,

I'm talking about those

times when you say

things like...

"you know, I remember when

you could get a haircut

for two bucks."

that just makes

you sound old.

Sentences like that are

basically verbal

carbon dating.

They tell the person

you're talking to

just exactly what

kind of fossil you are.

And that ruins everything.

Heck, I've seen a guy go to

all the trouble of dyeing

his hair black,

sucking his gut in and

pretending to like rap music,

only to blow it by

leaning back in his chair

and going into

a ten-minute monologue

that starts with,

"back in my day..."

you know, "back in my day"

just means today is

not your day,

and tomorrow's a long shot.

So my advice is

just keep quiet.

You only have to do it

for a couple more years,

and by then you'll

be so darned old

nobody will pay attention

to anything you say.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

Announcer:

Announcing a

motion picture event

of unprecedented scope

and unparalleled

septic significance.

Winston rothschild iii

in his first dramatic role

as john toad,

a poor itinerant sewage and

septic sucking technician.

I'll be around...

Wherever you look,

wherever there's a fight

where some plumber's

cheating some poor guy,

I'll be there.

I'll be there in the way a

guy reaches to raise the seat

or jiggle the handle.

Wherever people flush

without thinking

or walk through their yards

without finding

that soft, mushy spot,

or enjoy the smell of a sweet

summer breeze instead of...

Something else.

I'll be there.

Announcer: Coming this summer

to a theatre near you.

Well, they got a lot of the

pipeline put in place,

and I don't what everybody's

got their clams all

steamed about.

As far as I'm concerned,

the thing's barely noticeable.

Oh, uncle red!

Uncle red --

[ red laughing ]

that's the fourth

time I've done that.

That's okay.

It's still funny.

Oh, I good news

from the oil company.

Yeah, they're not

gonna use the pipeline.

They're gonna use

oil trucks instead.

They can't do that,

harold!

Oh, yes, they can,

and I'm glad they can,

and I'm so glad

they did.

This pipeline was wreaking

havoc with the entire area.

Oh, come off it,

harold.

This area was reeking

long before they

got here.

Well, what do

we do now?

You just take it down.

That's what you do.

It doesn't do anything.

It doesn't go anywhere.

Sounds like a

lodge member.

It's not like

it's something fun

like a waterslide

or something.

Waterslide!

No!

It's your idea.

Come on.

Waterslide!

Still funny.

Red: Now, bill and walter

were putting in a fence

behind the lodge.

I went to see

what was going on,

and what I saw didn't

please me all that much.

To me -- don't you have

to dig a hole first

before you try and just

a drive a post right

into the clay?

Then they went

with the --

yeah, lookin' better.

Push me, pull you

kind of deal.

Oh! All right.

Um, this is maybe a poor

wood choice at this point.

Then bill asked

for the sledge hammer,

there you go --

and -- oh!

Well, that's unfortunate.

Meanwhile,

walter had pounded

the top of that

one pretty round,

so I finally showed --

there's all you need

to do, boys.

And they're a little

embarrassed,

but that's because they

hadn't had a whole

lot of success.

But they had a decent one

about every six.

So we figured,

it's all you really need.

As long as you've got

three to attach it to,

you just --

so we got the

coiled fence there.

They're just going

to unwind that.

She's got some

spring to her.

And I'm just gonna staple

it to the middle pole.

No, no. Hang on.

Hang on. Hang on.

Okay, away you go.

So the same guys

who did the poles

also did the measuring,

which -- yeah, well,

you see what happened there.

Okay, that's not

gonna work, bill.

No, I think you

either need more fence

or less -- no.

Okay, now we're --

yeah, okay.

That's really not --

this is not the attitude

that gets us anywhere.

Meanwhile, I'm trying --

and the thing's going

zig-zag,

and I can't get a --

and of course,

now it gets personal.

So I figure the only way

that I can stop this

is by getting a staple in

there while she's goin' by,

and that starts

the coils all going.

And this was just a --

I didn't even see that.

That was a

pure accident.

I didn't even see

these fellas comin' in,

and I was just in the wrong

place at the wrong time.

And so now we're --

steady, boys, steady.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

So then I say, well,

if you could just roll --

that's not -- boy, that's

really hard on the ears.

So finally they

got separated a bit.

I think the only way

out of this mess

is to sort of unroll them

like a cabbage roll.

So I'm thinkin'

I'll get bill unrolled,

and then we'll come back

and do walter in a minute.

So we got her

goin' there,

and I think we were gettin'

awful close to the cliff,

with the water and

everything there.

Luckily we ran

out of fence.

And we were all set

to go back and get walter,

and one look over --

that's bad.

And walter's already

headin' our way.

You know, I think

we meant to stop him,

but I dunno, in the heat

of the moment --

oh! Oh!

Oh.

Well, I got

things to do.

[ applause ]

you know,

throughout a man's life,

you will have good days,

and you will have bad days.

And if you're lucky

enough to be married,

your wife will often point

out which ones are which.

But the one thing that all

the bad days have in common

is the element

of rejection...

Being denied access

to the local tavern,

or the the women's dorm,

or the exit door

at the playstation.

These are setbacks.

But the biggest

disappointment in

a man's life

has to be the day his

driver's license is revoked.

Happens to most

of us as we get older.

Maybe you can't

pass the eye test,

or your neck won't turn

around far enough for

you to back up.

Or maybe you've been doin'

30 in the passing lane

with your turn signal

on since 1997.

But don't worry.

Where there's a handyman

there's a way.

Just because you

can't drive a car

doesn't mean you

can't drive.

So I lifted the body

off of this convertable,

which you need

a license for,

and put it onto something

you don't need a license for,

a riding mower.

Okay, it's not as

good as a real car.

You can't pick up

girls in it

or reach the

drive-thru window.

And takin' this baby

onto the highway,

that's pretty much

a suicide attempt.

But hey, at least

you're not walkin'.

Oh, sure, they can

take away my license,

but they can't

take away my dignity.

[ applause ]

well, harold's all set

for his trial run

of our pipeline

waterslide.

We were thinkin' of sending

a dog down there first,

you know, as kind of

a pre-test run,

but we thought,

no, that's cruel.

All right, dalton,

give harold the signal.

Harold,

we're good to go!

Come on down!

You might wanna

try head first

so you don't

hurt yourself.

Oh, here he comes.

[ harold screeching ]

[ sound stops ]

'scuse me.

'scuse me, uncle red.

Yeah, harold,

what is it?

Well, um, it seems

I'm stuck in the pipe!

Okay, okay,

don't panic, harold.

Dalton, give me

the cordless drill

out of the there, will you?

What!?

Where exactly are

you in there, harold?

Ow!

Back a little bit.

That's very loud,

you know!

What do you want

the drill for?

I'm gonna drill a

hole in the pipe.

What!?

Is that safe?

You're right.

You better hold

the chair.

I think he's talking

about my safety!

Well, if you feel a drill bit,

just yell out, harold.

Ow!

What!?

What, harold?

There's a spider!

Dalton, get me that --

see that coffee pot?

It's got oil in it

bring that over.

What are you doin'?

What are you doin'?

Harold, we have a

blockage in the pipe.

We need an enema.

I dunno ab --

[ harold gurgling ]

harold, just keep

your mouth shut

and wiggle around

a little bit.

Grab the bat, dalton,

and give him

a little love tape.

[ harold screeching and

clunking through pipe ]

[ dalton laughing ]

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time, red.

Yeah, you go ahead, dalton.

I'll be right down.

I'm sure he's fine.

It's meeting time.

Meeting time.

Away you go.

Away you go.

[ applause ]

uh, so if my

wife is watching,

I'll be comin' straight

home after the meeting.

And don't worry,

just because we got

a waterslide at the lodge

doesn't mean I'm gonna be

spending more time up here.

I still know where the

real amusement park is.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers / applause ]

okay, guys.

Everyone have a seat.

Sit down now.

Take your seats.

Sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

All:

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to... I guess.

Okay, men, harold tells

me that the waterslide

is just way too dangerous.

It's pitch black inside,

there's metal shards

in every seam,

and she's covered with oil

residue on the inside.

So we are going

to have to tear her down,

but before we do,

is anyone interested

in going for one last ride?

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com