The High School Reunion/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Here's the man

who never changes...

... His shirt --

your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

thank you -- by golly!

Thank you very much.

A lot of excitement this week.

Possum lake high school

is having a huge reunion.

Again? They tried last summer

and hardly anybody showed up.

They put a stupid condition

on last year's reunion.

It was for graduates only.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

That's fine -- yes dear, yes.

Ah.

All right, bye, yeah,

bye... Bye, bye, bye, bye.

Bernice is really getting

carried away

with this high school reunion

I'll tell ya

she's getting her hair done

over at margot's house

because she's got the

flowbee

and she's even gonna get a new

dress -- a sleeveless number.

Ooo-ooo wants to show off her

figure, eh?

No, the sleeves cost more.

(audience laughing)

and she's not the only one

getting spiffed up

there's been a big run on

support hose and girdels --

the hardware store is completely

sold out.

Where you gonna get yours then

uncle red?

(laughing)

I don't need that stuff harold.

I accept myself the way I am

and I welcome others

to accept me the way I am.

Well that's very healthy

that's a very confident

attitude, healthy attitude

especially from a man who wears

hats to hide his bald spot.

It's not a bald spot.

It's a solar panel

for my electric personality.

Ohhh!

Bald spot.

You only have

so many male hormones.

If you want to use yours

to grow hair,

that's your business.

(audience laughing)

how would you like a bald spot

where your nose was?

As I was saying,

other than thinning hair,

I look exactly the way I did

when I graduated

from high school.

He should --

it was only six years ago.

(laughing)

(red): Got a real production

on "adventures with bill".

Got a three-parter

on weight-lifting.

Bill's gonna do a bench press.

He was just called to the bar.

I've been called to the bar--

you always want to have

a spotter

to get the weight up.

Bring that down

to your chest, bill.

Bring it down... No.

I wouldn't-- oh, my gosh.

Oh, boy.

You kids at home be careful.

When you drop a weight

on your chest...

What's going on?

Oh, for gosh sakes --

look, ma, no hands!

Ow!

♪ ohhhh ♪

♪ there are many fond memories

of growing up ♪

♪ talkin' and actin'

the fool ♪

♪ but my favourite days

were spent in bed ♪

♪ stayin' home from school ♪

♪ my mom would bring me

soup and games ♪

♪ she was the best mom

I ever had ♪

♪ I would have preferred

lyin' on the couch ♪

♪ but that was occupied

by my dad ♪

this is for the big one --

the grand prize

of seven accordions

and a box of matches!

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Dalton humphreys

to say this word.

"extra".

And go!

All right,

dalton.

If I buy

a dozen nails from you

and you give me 13,

that one is...

... Mistake.

No, it's also...

... Profit margin.

If you give someone

more than they ask for,

you give

a little...

... Bit of my dignity.

Let's try a different way.

Um... If you get someone

to pay more than they should,

you make...

... Me happy.

But you're charging them...

... Whatever

they're stupid enough to pay.

We're running out of time.

These are

the dumbesanswers.

I agreed to play

the stupid game.

Thinking will

cost you extra.

Yeah!

What?

Extra?

Ohhh!

This week on "handyman corner",

we'll do something practical --

show you how to improve

your gas mileage,

or how to improve

your car's gas mileage.

The secret is making

a few adjustments under here,

so let's pop the hood open.

Ohhh...

Man!

Green doughnuts.

Would that be mint?

(sniffing)

no!

(coughing)

oh I remember, yeah -- that time

we were working

on the boathouse at stinky's

and I got a soaker.

Should be another one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

No... There we go.

All right, let's get down

on the gas mileage.

Wait a sec.

Oh boy!

Oh my gosh!

Where the heck is that thing?

"prince charles marries diana."

hope that works out.

Oh, look here

always good to have chain

in the car.

Winter-time -- you never know,

you might need to be towed

or something.

All right, I'll just pop the

hood open here.

Oh, man!

Who would put a greasy rag

under the seat?

Wait, it's a map of manitoba.

Well for gosh sakes!

Ha!

Been looking for this

nine-iron all season.

If I can find a three-wood

for this one, I'm in business.

Well you know, gonna be

tuning up the car so...

We'll need some tools.

Might as well

get the snow tires out.

(grunting)

I put 'em on all four --

safety first.

(grunting)

no, wait, now.

This one's got a zing in 'er.

I'll put that aside.

Could do with a 5th tire...

Oh, for gosh sakes.

(grunting)

that's better.

(grunting)

these will come in handy

for changing the tires.

I'm glad I hung on to 'em.

We didn't get around

to adjusting the carburetor,

but we solved

the mileage problem

just by lowering the weight

we're carrying.

I thought I had to replace

the shocks,

but that straightened itself

out, too.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Man, I'm glad I didn't buy

a bigger car.

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

You teenagers seem confused

by banking machines.

They got 'em in malls,

department stores,

even in liquor stores,

which is begging for trouble.

You're under

the false impression

that whenever

your parents need money,

they walk up to a machine

with a bank card and get more.

Before you can take money out,

you gotta put money in

on a previous occasion.

There's not some

money-printing press in there,

or a giant bin

that forks over cash

to anybody smart enough

to know their p.I.N. Number.

It's not a bottomless pit

of cash

that lets you spend

whatever you want.

For that, you need

one of these -- a credit card.

Well bad news

the high school reunion

committee

invited roger mugridge and

stephanie ven der shovel

these two did so well in school,

it makes you barf.

I'm talking valedictorians

and class president

and cheerleader

and captain

of the football team...

They didn't understand

what high school's about,

as far as I'm concerned.

When they graduated,

they were voted the couple

most likely to succeed,

and they moved away, which was

an excellent first step.

They're coming

to the reunion --

mr. And mrs. Perfect --

is that depressing enough?

Half the women said

they're not coming.

The others are trying

face-lifts with duct tape.

I couldn't care less.

(laughing)

you reading something funny

or did the medication kick in?

(audience laughing)

I'm reading a yearbook --

your yearbook.

I got to the picture of you

in high school.

Look, that's you.

You are completely gormless.

You are without gorm.

You, sir, are gorm-free.

(laughing)

no wonder you grew a beard

to hide that chin.

Look at the teeth on him!

You know who you look like?

What do I

lo like?

(audience laughing)

(whimpering)

no, don't!

I don't want to look like you!

You can grow the beard!

I don't want to

grow the beard!

(crying)

I said, "no, honey,

don'get up.

'll go get it."

you should have seen her face.

Mind you, I had no clue

where it was,

but it w worth it

to see her face.

Thank you, mr. Humphreys.

All righty, uncle red, would

you please approach the podium?

Harold.

All right, my name is red

and I'm a man.

(all): Hi, red!

Been about three weeks

since I did a guy thing

of any significance.

Went out shopping for furniture

with bernice,

something I don't

ordinarily do.

If I do go, I'm as miserable

as you can be.

This time, I tried

to improve my attitude.

We're looking for a couch.

I picked one, a brown one.

It had ducks all over it.

You can't get more comfortable

than sitting on something brown

that's covered with ducks.

It had a recliner

built right into the couch.

The piece of resistance

was a drink holder in the unit.

And by golly!

But I gotta tell you,

she was ugly, all right?

Big -- big and ugly.

So I just backed off.

I let bernice pick one.

She got a little thing

she called a love seat.

Not a speck of brown near it.

More of a peach, really,

but it will get browner

as it gets older.

And I'm making the best of it

on that unit.

I'm finding that

the cushions are sewn on,

so you don't lose

the t.V. Remote.

And I spilled a whole bottle

of taco sauce on there,

and here's the best part --

the stain looks

just like a duck.

(audience laughing)

(red): Part two of three

on "adventures with bill".

Doing the weight-lifting.

This is the "before" look --

I hope so.

I don't want to look

before, after, or during.

Oh, stop it!

All right, he's, uh...

I think you got

too much weight...

On both ends of the bar

and also around the middle

of yourself.

Take some weights off.

You want to start smaller.

You gotta crawl

before you walk and run.

Maybe you took too much off...

You took too much!

You took too much, uh...

Took too much weight off that.

Yeah... All right.

Out  what bill decides to do

now

is to check out

his muscle tone.

Uh...

Not great, not great.

Eats a lot of pasta, I think.

So bill gets into

almost a military approach.

You gotta get yourself

into some kind

of physical condition.

Don't start

trying to lift weights.

You'll hurt yourself badly.

So bill is doing...

Would these be called push-ups?

He gets into the sit-ups.

There's a whole regimen

of exercises you can do

and you get yourself

into fine physical condition.

You need to do the exercise

and get plenty of rest.

I'm doing half of it.

We'll come back when

bill's done the other half.

Come on, bill.

One chin-up! One chin-up!

A viewer sent this beverage

container for mixed drinks.

Our highschool reunion

has turned into a wake.

Now that roger and stephanie

are coming

nobody else wants to be here.

We're embarrassed about being

old and fat and hairless.

Generaly speaking,

nature's has not been kind

to the residents of

possum lake

and vice versa

what's with the big vegetables?

You mean moose thompson

and his sister?

No, the wheelbarrow

full of cabbages

bernice was supposed to make

enough cole-slaw for 60,

but now nobody's coming so...

I'll tell you why.

Because they're intimidated by

roger's and stephanie's looks.

Tanned, wrinkle-free, trim

bodies, excellent hair-cuts...

You think so?

Oh, yeahhhhh!

Success has a certain look,

you know?

Style -- can't compete

with that...

Not that you can't compete

with that.

If you were wealthy

and successful

and took care of yourself

and moved to

where there was an economy,

you'd be as well-groomed

as they are.

You're saying

we're losers here?

'cause you would know.

No, no, no.

I'm saying there's lots

to be proud of.

The people who stayed here

made a valid choice.

There's many things

that you guys have

that roger and stephanie

just don't.

Could you name one

of those many things?

(audience laughing)

yeah, I could!

I could show off.

You know which one

comes to mind?

No.

Either do I.

But I know...

You got really,

really great... Cabbages.

Ahhhhh!

(red): Here we are

for r final segment

of the "adventures with bill".

Bill's all pumped up.

Look at the weight.

Got a couple of tire rims on.

He's gotta psych himself up.

Bill, you're-- oh, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's... That's macho.

If I was those weights,

I'd be so... Yeah... Bored.

Come on, bill, up she comes!

Come on, bring 'er up!

Up she comes!

Come on, you clean jerk!

Get it up there! There we go!

All right, easy, easy!

Take it easy! Come on!

Hey! Hey!

Can you hold 'er

for 30 seconds?

Come on, bill -- that's two.

Ok, that's, uh, three.

That's three--

no, I said three.

Oh! Bill, she's starting to go!

Oh, my gosh! He did that

the first time in grade 4.

The whole class had to go home.

Bill, something's popped out.

You gotta wear the belt, kids.

I'll push that back...

Well... Ok.

Bill, we need everything

pushed in.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Have to wear bigger shirts.

He's getting 'er...

Ok, he's getting himself...

She's coming out the back.

Bill, she's coming

out the back.

I'll push it in.

If we could only get--

well, look at this!

Maybe he's not so dumb

after all.

The thing with muscles,

once you get 'em started,

you pump, pump and...

We're gonna pump you up,

eh, bill?

Come on, pump up!

Wow! Wow! Holy smoke!

(laughing)

boy, bill, you're pumped!

Can he take the pressure?

No!

Welcome to the expert portio

where we examine

those three words

that men find

so difficulto say...

(audience):

"I don't know!"

joining my uncle red

is his best friend in the room,

septic sewage sucker

winston

rothschild!

(applause and cheering)

if it's burpin'

instead of slurpin',

call winston

to get 'er chirpin'.

Whoo! All righty!

"dear experts, how can I get

the job of my dreams?"

oh good an easy one

dream small.

Once you get tho

expectations low enough,

life is a bowl of cherries.

Well, red, I think

that's good advice,

except for the advice part.

I think your viewer

needs to be referred

to a person I refer to

all the time,

and that is self-help guru

and real estate millionaire

anthony anthony.

Anthony anthony's latest set

of motivational tapes,

"how to get rich

selling audio cassettes",

is living proof that

if you go out there

and get your career,

nothing can stop you.

I can't believe you ended up

in the sewage

and septic sucking business

I just followed my dream.

(audience laughing)

you dreamt that?

(laughing and applause)

I'm glad I don't have to

make his bed.

I'm just saying...

(laughing and applause)

harold, it's not like I dream

while I'm sleeping.

This is a daydream thing.

I do it in the day and...

... At night and...

Well, in the evening, mainly.

Because,

as anthony says so succinctly

on side "b" of cassette 14,

series 2,

he says...

Life is like

a journey in a car.

If you visualize your route,

you don't waste gas

and end up in pittsburgh.

I've heard of this --

many sports athletes use it.

Visualize, visualize --

many professional bowlers

and jai alai players use it.

(audience laughing)

I visualize my career

all the time.

I imagine myself

knee-deep in success.

(audience laughing)

that's what's on

the hip-waders, is it, winston?

That's the sweet smell

of success stinging my eyes?

Here's the thing, though.

Once you visualize your vision,

then you gotta go out there

and get after it.

Because... Well,

take anthony anthony.

He visualized he'd make lots of

money off audio cassettes.

Who were the people

responsible?

You and people like you.

I want

to buy a set.

There's the sorry truth

right there.

(laughing and applause)

(laughing and cheering)

well...

(cheering and whistling)

I had a great time

at the high school reunion.

Turns out, roger and stephanie

weren't that intimidating.

They were as old and fat

and wrinkled as us.

Uncle red, you look different.

Younger, do you think?

Do you mean like immature?

Well, harold, I think,

generally,

people were impressed

at how successful I look.

Did they actually say that?

No, but there was

lots of staring.

I could hear the whispers.

(audience laughing)

maybe I'm not

all that successful

but at least I accept myself

the way I am,

and I'm proud of that.

Your hat's fitting funny.

No, my hat's

fine.

You know what--

what?

Leave me alone.

You're wearing a toupee!

Wearing a toupee!

Wearing a toupee!

Look, it's a toupee!

(laughing and applause)

that's definitely a toupee!

Oh! A ghost!

Ahhhh! Ahhhh!

That's so great!

Aunt bernice can run

her fingers through your hair

without you being there!

(possum squeal)

meeting time.

Away you go.

I'm gonna "rug" along--

run along!

(laughing)

(laughing)

well...

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home

after the meeting.

While I was at the high school,

I looked at my locker.

Our initials inside the heart

were rubbed off,

but still smelled

like egg sandwiches

and the bullet holes

were there.

The rest of you,

on behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

thanks for watching and

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(possum squeal)

(harold): Meeting time!

Take your seats!

Take your seats!

Stand up!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): What you got, harold?

(harold): It's been announced

that the fun fair's on,

but we're making some changes.

Doc martin suggested we tie off

one end of the bungee cord.

We have another book

coming out --

"red green talks cars:

A love story."

it's available

through possum lodge

and through

your local book reiler.

Closed captions

premier subtitli inc.

Boy, this is too much!