The Ski & Golf Project/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Ski & Golf Project

Intro
{Red stands fishing by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: We're moving towards becoming a non-violent society, and that's a good thing, especially for lawyers, 'cause now we do all our fighting in court. {the title "The Ski & Golf Project" is displayed} Lawsuits are not as immediate or cost-effective as punching your neighbor in the head, but I think it's better to lose money and have to go earn more than to spend the rest of your life with a permanently-bent face. Well, now, we've got so much maturity and non-violence that we've turned into a bunch of guys who will sue anybody about anything. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequence
''{The "The New Red Green Show" title sequence plays. Cut to Red trying to unwind some elastic string from what seems to be his underwear.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Comin' up on today's show, I'm gonna take all the elastic out of my underwear, for no reason, really.

{Cut to Red holding up a hacksaw and using it to saw something between his legs.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Then I gotta do a little bit of... Looks like I'm sawing something there.

''{Cut to Red standing near Glen in a boat on a trailer. Red holds a piece of wood between his legs and uses an old drill to try and drill a hole in it.}''

RED GREEN: Then I'll do a bit of... Actually, how to use your legs as a vice, I think, this week.

{Cut to Red ducking down behind Bill, who is using a very long golf club to swing at a golf ball.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Bill's going for a long drive.

Plot Segment 1
''{The camera pans through the lodge past Harold. The audience applauds.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And now, let's have a big hand for the handiest handyman with the hand-handed hands that you have to hand it to handily, {giggles} my uncle, {points to front door} Red Green!

''{Red enters the lodge, waving. The audience cheers. Harold applauds.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. {gestures toward Harold} How 'bout a big fist for my nephew, Harold?

''{Harold plays his switcher. The screen is temporarily plastered onto a crate, which is then crushed by a giant golf ball.}''

HAROLD GREEN: The camera doesn't stand there and talk.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Big week for Moose Thompson, he finds out today whether or not he's a millionaire. See, last winter, Moose went over to the Possum Precipice Ski Resort and Golf Club. And what happens with that is that in the summer, it's about the hilliest golf course you've ever seen, and during the winter, it's kind of a lame ski resort. Anyway, Moose was over there last February, collecting worms for fishing.

HAROLD GREEN: I never really understood, why was he collecting worms in the winter?

RED GREEN: Ice fishing.

HAROLD GREEN: {stares, then nods} That's our Moose.

RED GREEN: Yeah. So he was leaning down there, you know, digging around for the– for the– for the worms there at the bottom of the giant slalom downhill, which is also a par two during the summer. And a skier comes down and nailed him right in the head.

HAROLD GREEN: {grimaces} Ooh! Lucky it wasn't his foot or something he uses.

RED GREEN: Well, Moose is now suing the owners 'cause he said they should've had a sign there saying don't lean down and stick your head in there, because your ear will freeze in the ice and then a skier will come down and hit you right in the head.

HAROLD GREEN: And he's suing for a million dollars in damages?

RED GREEN: Yeah, he says the collision affected his thinking.

HAROLD GREEN: He proved it?

RED GREEN: {nods} Exactly, and now it's harder to find a girl or be happy or get a decent job.

HAROLD GREEN: How did he figure that?

RED GREEN: Well, apparently, his lawyer is using you as a legal precedent.

{Harold starts to nod, but then becomes nervous as he plays his switcher.}

Segue: Dalton Humphrey
{Dalton sits inside his store.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You are watching The Red Green Show! {laughing} People will buy anything, won't they?

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by tapping on a plastic gas can.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Well, if you ever need to prove you're a man,
 * Here's something you should try.

HAROLD GREEN: Should try!

RED GREEN:
 * See if you can climb up Tucker's Mountain
 * When the sun is hot and high.

HAROLD GREEN: And high!

RED GREEN:
 * It's three hundred feet, and it's all straight up,
 * And it feels like it's gonna collapse.
 * Tucker built the whole mountain himself,
 * And believe me, that's a lot of beer bottle caps.

{Harold repeatedly taps the gas can as if trying to do a solo, but he accidentally drops it.}

RED GREEN: Not the fire. {Harold looks nervous}

Buddy System
{Red and Winston run down into the Lodge basement and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, there are certain things that the woman in your life is gonna ask you, and you're not gonna have time to think of an answer.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And the worst one of these is, "Am I fat?"

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Now, for sure, you're not gonna say yes, eh, unless you got a death wish, eh? {Red nods} But you even gotta say no the right way, or this conversation's going into triple overtime!

RED GREEN: Just say no right away! Just no! Don't think about it, don't pause, just say no! Don't say, "Well... no, not really."

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: But you know something? You dare shouldn't go too far the other way, neither, eh? Like, for instance, you can't go: {scoffs} "Why, you, fat?! Tell me another one! Get serious! What, are you outta your mind? Oh, sure, all your friends are fat, and both your sisters. And your mom. But you?! You're like an underfed chicken, eh? It's scary how skinny you are!" As the great Wilbur Shakespeare once said, "Methinks the lady doth process too much." {Red stares} What?

RED GREEN: Just say no, and then– and then right away, invite her out for dinner, huh? That way, you're gonna look like a hero, and she's obviously thinking about her waist; she's probably not even gonna take you up on it!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's a win-win!

RED GREEN: Yeah! {leans in close to Winston; softly} Am I fat?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, yeah.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Want to talk to all you middle-aged guys out there, 'cause I know what you're going through. I know what it's like to wake up two hours before your body does. Or to watch a full head of old hair swirl down the shower drain, while a bushel of new hair spreads out of your nose and your ears. And at our age, you never know if the call of nature is gonna be a shout, a whine or a whisper. Y'know, going to a washroom is like going to a fireworks display: you stand there waiting for an hour and a half waiting for something to start. And then, once she gets going, there's a lot of oohs and aahs. But you're never really completely sure of when it's over. And having a big hearty meal with spicy food is either gonna be a suicide attempt or a murder suicide, depending on whether or not you're alone in the car. But, that's all just part of getting older. I think it was Oscar Wilde who said, "Youth is wasted on the young." Well, I'll tell ya, pretty much everything is wasted on me. But I'm gonna be hanging in there. I don't like getting old, but it's a lot better than the alternative. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Segue: Winston Rothschild
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Winston Rothschild here from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Remember... {holds up his business card on which the slogan and the phone number are displayed} "We'll take that smell off your hands!"