Xmas In July/Transcript

The complete transcript for Xmas In July

Opening Scene
''{Red stands out in front of someone's house. He has his arm wrapped around a shovel, partially stuck in the ground. He hands a small box to another man who stands next to him.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} This guy is my neighbor, Bob Dinkins from up the road.

''{Bob takes the box and opens up the box. Inside is a gold watch.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Now, I've just given him a watch. He's pretty happy about that. {Bob is about to put watch on, but Red stops him} He thinks it's real nice to get a gift. I guess he doesn't know much about the Trojan War.

''{Bob turns and starts to walk off. Red waves.}''

RED GREEN: {calling after Bob} Remember, Bob, don't put it on 'til you get home.

''{Bob turns and leaves. Red then walks off in another direction, holding his shovel.}''

RED GREEN: You have a neighbor or relative who keeps dropping in unannounced and is always quick to tell you what you're doing, or you're an idiot, or he's gonna call the cops unless you give him a beer... {walks up to a hole in the ground; sticks shovel in ground} Well, here's what you do: get yourself one of those invisible fence units that you use to keep your dog inside your yard. {gestures toward hole} And you bury the wire around the perimeter of your property. {tosses shovel aside; pulls a dog collar out of pants pocket} Then you put a special collar onto your dog, and every time he gets near the buried wire, {shakes collar slightly} he gets zapped! {holds up collar, the workings of which have clearly been ripped out} Now, you may have noticed I've taken the zapper out of this collar. That's because I installed it into that watch {gestures off-camera with thumb} I just gave to my annoying neighbor. {puts collar back in pocket} I figure any system that can keep a dog in should be to keep a goof out. {walks up to power switch on a pole} Besides, this is way too cruel to use on an animal. {looks off-screen} Okay, he's off the property. I think we should arm the perimeter.

''{Red flips the switch up. A light on the pole lights up, accompanied by a loud humming noise. Red looks off-screen again.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, look, he's coming back! Probably wants to tell me something else I don't need to know.

''{Suddenly, he hears the sound of zapping, as apparently, Bob's watch with the collar's zapper unit in it, zaps him. The light on the pole, meanwhile, flickers slightly.}''

RED GREEN: {calling off-screen} Hey, Bob! Check your watch! Looks like it's payback time!

''{Red laughs. He then grabs the switch and starts to flip it back down. As he does so, however, he gets zapped as the power box on the switch suddenly explodes in a shower of sparks.}''

Intro
''{Red enters the lodge, waving to the camera and the cheering audience. He holds a piece of roof shingle in his hand, which he uses to fan himself, as if to cool himself off.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. I appreciate that. I gotta tell ya, we got a real hot one goin' on here today. I don't know the exact temperature, but, uh, the basement of the lodge is dry! And... that hasn't happened since... well, that's never happened, actually. {sniffs roof shingle and looks at it} Okay, I think I know which building this shingle came off of.

''{Red tosses the shingle aside. Suddenly, the front door opens. Harold runs into the lodge, holding some tinsel.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {excitedly} Merry Christmas, Uncle Red! {tosses tinsel in Red's disbelieving face} Merry Christmas! Christmas merry! Merry Christmas!

RED GREEN: I hope that's sunstroke, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} No! I'm just trying to get you in the spirit of our first annual {dramatically} Christmas in July celebration!

RED GREEN: And... why would this be a good thing, do you think?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, because it brings crowds, it brings visitors up to the lodge! They'll think, "Possum Lake is having Christmas in July? That's crazy, let's go!"

RED GREEN: What if they think, "That's crazy, let's stay away in droves"?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, then, we just gotta keep putting that out that Christmas cheer, don't we? {giggles} We're gonna get every cynic to join hand-in-hand and say, "I don't care if it is July, I wish everyone the best and merriest Christmas ever!"

RED GREEN: Boy, I hope your medical insurance is paid up, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to Red} I need your help! I need your help. Yeah, 'cause the lodge is a big part of Christmas around here, right? So, you know, how you put those lights around the lodge at Christmas time?

RED GREEN: Yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: I need you to do that again right now, in July! Get the festive mood started!

RED GREEN: {turns around} Yeah, alright, sure, sure, that's fine, yeah. {walks toward corner of lodge}

HAROLD GREEN: Yes? No complaining, no arguing? That's it? You know, I asked you to put lights all around the lodge, you know. That's– And you're just doing that? You're gonna go along with it? That's so great, I really appreciate it.

RED GREEN: Well, it is a lot of work for me, but I figure, if I help you now, then you're gonna owe me one later, right?

HAROLD GREEN: Absolutely. Anything, anytime.

''{Red flips a switch in the corner of the lodge. Christmas lights hanging on the walls suddenly light up and flash. Red wipes his hands together.}''

RED GREEN: Done.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

''{Winston waves and applauds. The camera pulls back to reveal Winston standing behind the card table where Red and Mike are seated. Mike makes excited gyrations with his arms and rubs his hands together.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Today's contestant will be playing for the Possum Lodge Word Game home version! {Mike rubs his hands together again} Okay, Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mike Hamar... {looks towards Mike} Cover your ears. {back to Red} ...to say this word... {holds up word sign} "Respect". {different, more dramatic tone} "Respect"!

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Okay. {sets sign down; Mike uncovers ears} And go!

RED GREEN: Okay, Mike, uh, when you were a kid, you were taught to always give this to your parents.

MIKE HAMAR: My take.

RED GREEN: {looks away in thought momentarily} Okay, if you want to have a lasting relationship with a woman, you have to treat her with...

MIKE HAMAR: ...antidepressants.

RED GREEN: {thinks again} Okay, your mother probably told you, if you want to get ahead in life, you've got to show a little...

MIKE HAMAR: {shiftily} ...thigh.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {pointing to his watch} Red, you're almost out of time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay. {suddenly looks up excitedly; pointing at Mike} I got it! This was a big hit for Aretha Franklin in the '60s!

MIKE HAMAR: {surprised} You can remember something from the '60s? {looks away} Boy, you gotta respect that!

RED GREEN: There we go!

''{Red repeatedly rings the bell on the table to end the game. Winston hands a board game to Mike.}''

Handyman Corner
''{Red emerges from a shed outside the lodge. He walks up to a car with various stripes on it and no roof, holding a piece of paper.}''

RED GREEN: {holding up paper} I got a letter from our local environmental agency. {looks at letter} Apparently, one of our neighbors has registered a complaint about all the junk we have lying around the lodge. {taps car hood} Especially our unfinished projects. {bends down to open up hood} I know who it is, too. {struggles in vain to open hood} It's that new guy in the fancy A-frame. {walks around to driver's side} He's been giving us grief ever since he saw us cooking weenies over a tire fire. {tries to open car door} He says the lodge is keeping his property value down. {reaches inside door to unlock it} Well, sure it is. It always has. If it didn't, he wouldn't have been able to afford the place! {opens door and stoops down next to driver's seat} But now he's gone and got the government involved, and I gotta get the car outta here. {looks at letter} Actually, they say if I can just remove the engine and the gas tank, they're the biggest environmental hazards. {sniffs car seat} I guess they never smelled the upholstery.

''{Red gets up and closes the door. He walks around to the front of the car.}''

RED GREEN: Now, as always, I like to do two things at once, 'cause that means I can work slower. {holds up index finger} I have an idea that'll satisfy the government and increase the property value all at the same time! {opens car hood} Can you guess what it is? I'm gonna take out the engine and the gas tank, {leans against raised hood} and what do you suppose I'm gonna do with them? {points at camera after slight pause} Exactly right, an automatic lawn sprinkler system. You're good! {wipes hands together} Okay, now, to take out the engine and the gas tank, all you do is... {rubs hands together} take out the engine and the gas tank.

''{Wipe to a later scene. A montage begins. First, Red is lying down on the ground underneath the car, struggling to work to get out the gas tank. He is kicking his legs around and hyperventilating with the effort. After that, Red stands back up again. The car's hood is still raised. He raises a sledgehammer to strike at the exposed engine. But as he does this, the head of the hammer flies off backwards and crashes into a pile of garbage beside a shed. Red notices what happened and then, after a brief pause, he uses the handle of the hammer to pry the engine out. Next, he feverishly raises the back end of the car with a car jack. The bumper it is attached to lifts off the ground, but the jack does not lift up the car. It only breaks the back bumper off. Red looks at the camera with disappointment. Still later, he has attached some wiring and pulley wheels together and attached them to the front end of the car. The wiring runs along a pair of ladders. He the feverishly operates the pulley system so that it raises the car way up into the air. The back end has already been raised up with an oil drum underneath it, with only the front end needing to be raised. Once the car is high up in the air enough, he locks the pulley system in place, suspending the car in midair. Then Red moves another oil drum underneath this end of the car. He then unlocks the pulley system. The car drops down onto the drums with a thud. The engine and the gas tank fall out of the car. Red sees where the engine and the gas tank had fallen out and looks at the camera with a satisfied look. The montage ends with Red in a boat on the water. The car engine is in the boat with him. The boat is moored to the shore by a rope.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, the rest of the job is pretty easy here. I got everything I need to make the engine go mounted inside the boat here.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you guys about succeeding and failing. Now, when you were growing up and going to school, they put a lot of emphasis on success. I don't agree with that. I don't think success is nearly as important as failure. {waves hand} I'm not talking about total failure where you lose everything and live in a cardboard box under a bridge. I'm talking about manageable failure. You know, like being temporarily unemployed or losing your car keys or buying something on television that's {makes finger quotes} "not available in store". Now, don't get me wrong, success is good. But it doesn't happen to most of us. And if it did, {nods} they'd change it, believe me. So I figure, rather than spending your whole life feeling bad because you've never succeeded, I think, for us normal people, it's better to spend your whole life feeling confident that you can handle failure. {holds up both hands} So here's what you do: take some little, harmless challenge, and just fail at it! Right away! Just fail! Just flunk right out of that, okay? Then, get over it, and get on with your life. And just keep doing that over and over and over again. What'll happen is, you'll stop being afraid of failing, and you might even fluke a success! {nods and smiles} At the very least, you'll be a happy failure, and your friends will have a lot of laughs at your expense! Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.