The Town Mall/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show!"

and here he is now,

a man who once yelled...

"waiter, there's a

fly in my pants."

your host,

my hero,

uncle red,

uncle red green.

(cheers and applause)

thank you very much.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

Boy, I had a rough day

at the lodge yesterday.

Buster and I were dragged up

to this new mall by our wives.

New mall?

Yeah.

You were up at

the new mall?

Yeah.

You went to the new mall?

The one at port asbestos?

That new mall?

That is supposed to be

so cool up there.

They've got, like,

a music store.

They've even got a gap.

Well, harold, everybody

at possum lodge has

a gap somewhere.

I tell you, every mall has

three things the same...

Clothes, stores

and benches for

the husbands to sit on.

I wish I knew you

were going to the mall.

I really  wish --

can I go with you

next time you go?

Well, there's not going

to be a next time, harold.

Yeah, buster and I

were banned from the mall.

What did he

do this time?

Well, I don't blame

him so much.

We were bored,

we were tired,

and they should never serve beer

anywhere there's a fountain.

I'll tell you though, harold,

I don't even care about that

because that mall has

no hardware store,

no car dealership.

There's nothing

I want there.

Well, you can buy

that kind of stuff

downtown possum lake.

But downtown possum lake

doesn't have a mall.

See, the ladies like

to go to a mall.

Wait a sec.

What?

We can turn downtown

possum lake into a mall.

Well...

Yeah, yeah.

It looks like it's

already been mauled so --

how are you going to take

a bunch of randomly located

shops and stores and hovels

and turn them into

a hi-tech enclosed mall?

Well, I don't know, harold,

but that doesn't stop

me from trying.

No, but it stops you

from succeeding.

[ôôô]

red green:

On this week's show bill

is going to try skating,

going to go well I'm guessing.

I'm going to convert the

possum van to run on propane,

for a while.

Harold's got a double-barreled

slingshot there by the

look of 'er,

and arnie has

a medical problem.

Possum lake into a mall is

dreally taking shape.

Merchants are all

excited about it.

I guess they

have wives too.

Uncle red, what are you going

to do, like, put a dome over

the entire downtown area?

You've got to remember, like,

you guys aren't architects or

builders or engineers.

You're more like the --

you guys are more like the

people who hold things...

For the guy who

knows what he's doing.

And this guy

ain't coming.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Don't worry, harold,

this plan is fool proof.

Tell me this.

What is the most appealing

part of an indoor mall?

The stores.

No, flavoured popcorn.

No, babes.

Babes,

babes,

babes,

no.

Oh, yeah!

No, no.

Yes, yes.

The convenience, harold,

the ability to go from store to

store without going outside.

You've got to have a fountain.

You've got to have a fountain.

'cause that's where all

the teenagers hang out

where there's babes.

I'll be getting

right on that, harold.

So the question is how do you

attach the stores together

when you're working with a

limited budget?

Duct tape?

No, no.

Oh, good.

Harold, you're going

to love this.

The stores are already

attached together.

Huh?

Through the storm sewers.

Storm sewers.

I knew you'd like it.

Oh, yeah, I'm loving it.

I'm loving it.

You go into a store,

you go down into the basement,

you drop into the sewer and you

stroll along in concrete-lined

comfort to the next shop.

The mall is pre-built.

That's the beauty of it.

Well, if that's

the beauty of it,

I don't want to

know the ugly part.

Ô oh, have you ever had a

dream you were falling ô

ô falling ô

ô well chances are you

weren't really falling ô

ô falling ô

ô unless you fell

asleep skydiviing ô

ô skydiving ô

ô and that's not really

recommended ô

ô if you'd read

the instructions

you'd know that ôô

you know what?

It's time to play the

possum lodge word game!

And this week the grand prize is

for anyone who has ever dreamed

of visiting the eiffel tower,

the leaning tower of pisa,

the tower of london.

This week's grand prize,

a road map of europe!

You can find anything.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Dalton humphrey

to say this word.

"accident."

"accident."

okay, go!

Okay, dalton,

mistake...?

Marrying young.

Disaster...?

Marrying later

in life.

All right, remember a

couple of days ago,

your daughter bumped

into your piggy bank,

smashed it

on the floor.

That was an...?

Omen.

Okay, two years back now,

remember your daughter's in

the back seat of that car.

She had that terrible...?

Marriage proposal.

No, five years --

five years back.

Remember she

crashed your pinto.

Insurance fraud.

They never proved that!

They never proved that!

Almost out of time.

Just keep going

to save yourself.

All right your daughter

24 years ago...?

Oh, an accident.

(frantic bell ringing)

there was nothing

on tv last night,

at least nothing

that I wanted to watch,

so I ended up at the

kitchen table trying

to pay a few bills.

I'm looking at my

credit card statement.

I couldn't believe how

much I spend on gasoline.

I blame it on two things...

The gas mileage

of the possum van,

and the fact that all the

other lodge members have

locking gas caps.

So this week on

handyman corner,

I'm going to convert

the possum van

(crash!)

to run on propane.

You kit's cleaner,aper,

and it's much more

readily available

because so far, they

haven't figured out how to put

a locking gas cap on a barbeque.

First thing you want to do

is mount the propane tanks

on your vehicle.

I say just put them on

there like saddlebags.

I mean, this here is my horse,

200 horse actually.

You'll need

a lot of saddlebags,

sort of like moose thompson.

What you want to do is get a

hunk of chain, put a propane

tank on each end

and then just drape

that over your vehicle.

(explosion)

easy, big fella.

You might want

to get a few tanks.

You may go through some.

All right, once you get

the tanks on there,

you could connect the propane to

the engine using the proper

fittings and couplings,

if you're made of money...

But, heck, if you're that rich

you might as well be running

on gasoline and forget

the whole deal.

So I recommend you go

with regular garden hose.

All right, now, probably some of

you might be getting a little

skeptical at this point.

Like, my dad used to say,

"you know, you can't mix

right-hand and left-hand

thread connectors."

he never knew about

the handyman secret adaptor!

So just take off as much of

garden hose as you need

to connect --

oh, geez, frozen here.

That's a start I guess.

All right, now, we're hmm --

okay, we're about

ready to go here.

Got all the hoses running right

down into the carburetor.

And then I take this

barbeque starter,

jam that in through the grill,

and when I fire that up

the whole unit should go.

Okay, all I've got to do now

is open all the valves on

the propane tanks,

and we should be ready

to hit the road.

Rusty here.

You know, for safety sake there,

you might want to leave one

of the valves closed.

You know, if you run out

of propane you'll have

a little extra,

you know, if you're

conservative.

Mind you, if you're

that conservative,

probably don't want to do

this project in the first place.

Damn, smell that propane.

If you're a smoker now you might

want to extinguish your butt

while you still have one.

Okay, they're all wide open.

Let's just fire it up.

Man, I must have

left 'er in gear.

So remember, if women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

(explosion)

I want to take a minute and talk

to you older fellows out there.

There is a new trend

going on now for men.

It's called

"share your feelings."

especially "share your feelings

with your partner for life,"

and I don't mean

your beer gut.

That sounds like a

great idea, doesn't it?

Sharing your feelings,

make your

relationship stronger,

maybe make the two of

you get closer together.

But I'd just like to put

the brakes on that

right here,

right now.

You know how you feel

about certain things

she says and does,

and you know what you'd

like to tell her.

Okay, these are feelings

that should not be shared.

When she asks you

what you're feeling,

for gosh sake,

don't listen to yourself.

Just put your head down,

tell her what she needs to hear.

If you have other feelings that

need to be expressed to some

living creature,

hey, that's what

dogs are for.

Now, I'm not asking

you to lie,

just pick and choose.

'cause if you tell her how you

feel about what she does,

there's a real danger she's

going to do the same

thing back to you,

and you're just not

strong enough for that.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Well, operation indoor mall

is really picking up speed.

We did have the one setback.

Moose thompson got wedged

down in the sewer there

halfway between the bagel shop

and the kielbasa cottage.

And we went down to

look for him there,

and he lit a match

to show us where he was,

and the methane went off

like an a-bomb down there.

Methane in

a storm sewer?

How did that

get down there?

Moose panicked.

Anyway, I'll tell you,

by gosh, the sewer really

opened up there.

You can actually stand up in it,

and that's got to be a big

appeal for a lot of shoppers.

And we've got a

brand new slogan.

We've got one of the few

malls that's rat-free now too.

I can help out too.

Know what I can do?

Know what I can do?

Know what I can do?

I can do like displays

because displays downtown,

they've got --

out of it, right?

But I can make up these

modern cool ones, you know,

because I'll be

honest with you,

leisure suits sold by the pound

is not a drawing card.

I'm just saying --

well, you know, it might be

good to have a younger

perspective, harold.

You know, our market

research has told us

that it's the young people

that have the disposable income.

You did market research?

Well, somebody saw

flinty mcclintock's

daughter with a 20.

I'm hopin' it wasn'

your 20, harold.

I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding you.

You don't have to be

sensitive about everything.

This mall thing is

a big opportunity,

waving right in

front of your face.

You know, the best part is the

underground passage portion

because you know, we can have

all these special item displays

there, you know.

Cheese samples.

Cheese.

And we can invite soap opera

stars to come up and shake

hands with you.

(in deep voice)

I'm jake.

I've got so

many ideas, you know?

I could help out.

All right, we can

use the input.

How do you feel

about rejection?

I'm getting

used to it.

Okay.

This is the repair part

of the show we call,

"if it ain't broke,

you're not trying."

joining me today is local

roofer arnie dogan.

(applause)

thanks.

Yeah, yeah.

It's good

to be here.

You know, my real career is as

a country and western singer.

Country music is

in my blood.

Whereas with roofing

it's just the opposite.

You know, red, falling

off high places,

that's an integral part of

your roofing business.

I suppose.

That's why I'm here

with my broken arm.

Oh, man, you don't want

me to fix your arm, do you?

Oh, no, no, the doctor

set it in a cast.

Then I went up on

george drinkwater's roof.

He's got the

high-pitched roof.

Yeah.

I would have thought you'd have

a high-pitched voice by now.

Yeah, I didn't fall

off all the way.

Oh, I was lucky enough

to catch the cast coming

down on the drain breather.

I did about four or five

doughnuts before the cast broke.

So I was wondering, red, maybe

you could repair that for me.

Doesn't that hurt

a little bit, arnie?

She stings a

little bit, red.

Yeah. Yeah.

Especially when

I'm jogging.

Oh, sure.

On the way over stinky

peterson's dog grabbed

ahold of the fingers,

just wouldn't let go,

'til I got a sort of windmill

thing going, you know?

Couldn't get him

off of there.

Man, oh man.

Yeah, well, you know,

I think you should go

back to the doctor with that.

Oh, no, oh, no.

See, I still owe him for the

leg splints and back surgery.

Maybe if you could just join up

the cast I think I'll be fine.

Well, I don't really

have any plaster.

Oh, geez.

Oh, wait a minute.

Yeah, I can --

all right,

let's try this.

Oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh!

How about

back this way?

Is that all right?

Yeah, that's good.

All right, boy, this is a

little unusual, arnie.

I appreciate this, red.

Boy, oh, boy.

I don't think we've ever

seen this particular

technique before.

That will fix

'er up nice.

You think so?

You know, there will

be an upside to this;

you'll be able to play the

guitar behind your back.

Red, what's good

about that?

Won't be as loud.

All right, buddy,

you're done.

All right, geez.

Thanks red,

I owe you one.

Yeah, okay.

Take it easy.

Red green:

Bill, and I are going

to go skating this week.

Get up.

Up you get.

Up you get.

All right,

I'll get down.

Then we can both get up.

And laid out a little track

of pylons there.

We've got a little race --

race around there, yeah.

How many laps we going to go?

We don't know yet.

That's unfortunate.

You know, something about

a frozen pond to me,

just sums up winter in

our part of the country

and it's just --

you know, I know they have

the arenas and what-have-you,

but to me there's

no comparison.

It's just the kind of skating

you do when you're on a pond

and, you know, to be with a

friend and just kind of

enjoying the day

and getting the fresh air

there in your face.

And, my gosh, you can

have a lot of fun,

especially if you're with that

one special person that you

can do things to,

like that.

It makes all the difference.

And, you know,

a little competition

doesn't hurt either.

Now, we've tried --

the race didn't go so well,

so now we're going

to compete at stopping.

The idea, bill wants

me to shoot up there.

Look, it's

rocket richard there.

Stop on a dime.

There you go.

There you go.

I can back up even.

And bill's going to come --

bill, bill, a little

more acceleration.

Oh-oh!

All right, well, he did

eventually stop,

but that was the tree.

Now what are

you doing now, bill?

What are you doing?

What's going on?

You've got the rope.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you going to do?

Oh, now this is

exciting, isn't it?

Bills's trying an old trick.

It's called crack the whip.

And get the other guy going,

and you whip him around

and crack the whip.

This is me cracking

the whip, right.

Here's how you do it.

Here's how you do it.

You've got to get

some juice going.

Crack that baby.

Get him on the ice there and

whip him around and let him go.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Hang on, bill.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Hang on.

I'll help you.

I'll help you.

There you go.

There you go.

Oh, there,

I got you down.

You're fine.

Want to go skating again, bill?

You want to go back to --

oh, bill, actually maybe you're

going to need your skates

I think to...

What do we do now?

Oh, boy.

Well, we're all set for

our big mall opening here.

It's awesome.

It's awesome.

It is so cool.

It's so incredibly awesome.

The sewer walls all have

teen posters on them,

and there's

black lights.

There's even

a video game.

Okay, it's pong,

but still...

Yeah, yeah.

I was thinking you guys should

have picked a better anchor

store for the mall

because usually it's a

major-name department store

of some sort,

not just the gasket shop.

Harold, it's not just

a gasket shop,

it's custom gaskets.

O-o-o-h!

While you wait, folks,

you go in there,

you take your flange,

your housing, whatever,

then bingo, bango, bongo

there's your gasket.

You're out, and you're on your

way to the ice cream store.

Well, I never thought

of it that way.

What I was thinking though,

I think you should change

it to a yogurt shop

because yogurt's

good for you.

Well, I don't like things

that are good for me.

Well, I do.

I love things that

are good for me.

I only do good things

that are good for me.

I always do things

that are good for me.

Then stop talking.

Okay.

Welcome to the expert

portion of the show,

where we explore those three

little words that men find

so hard to say...

Audience:

I don't know.

They don't either.

They talk and

they don't know nothing.

Joining my uncle red

is mr. Buzz sherwood,

and he's our local bush pilot.

And buzz, you've

been flying since --

uh, since my very first

iron butterfly concert.

Today's letter

goes as follows.

It says...

"dear experts --"

la-la-la.

Last year --

oh, this is from

redding, pennsylvania.

That's far away.

Gotto keep the stamp.

"dear experts: Last year our

son turned 15 and began

to really change,

"losing interest in school,

"ignoring his appearance,

"avoiding his family,

"acting weirdly and generally

turning into a rotten kid.

"what did we do wrong?"

well, I'll tell you,

if I had a 15-year-old kid,

I'd get him a car with

a full tank of gas,

point him toward the town

where nobody knows me,

and whatever happens happens.

Uncle red, you have to

be 16 to drive a car.

Whatever happens happens.

No way, red!

You can't put kids down.

Us kids, we're the hope

of the future generation.

We?

You're still a kid,

buzz, are you?

Well, yeah, basically,

because I'm

only 25-9

35, 39, 44 --

oh, man, I'm 46!

Man, what happened?

I think you smoked

the calendar.

I mean, these parents they ought

to just back off on the kid

a little and chill,

you know, like let him

go through this phase.

He's just rebelling a little.

He'll grow out of it.

Twhen?

I don't know.

When he's 29, 34, 40 --

how old are you?

47.

You're 56.

I'm 52.

Got you!

(laughter)

I just have the

one question really.

Why are fireworks legal?

And what kind of mind would

use them at a mall opening,

an indoor mall opening?

I was in murray's store

when they went off.

Ball rockets

going everywhere.

A couple of cannon-crackers

ripped through the

get-well cards.

I saw two pinwheels going

on a lingerie mannequin.

(laughter)

actually that brought

back a few memories.

But there was

no real danger

because they got the sprinkler

system there and that went off.

By gosh, those units can

really pump out the water,

just everything.

Unfortunately the

water went all down

and completely flooded out

the entire storm sewer,

and I think there were

some shoppers down there.

(harold's shoes sloshing)

oh, oh, oh.

Were all the

stores flooded?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah!

Bookstore,

bakery,

toy store.

Oh, harold.

Oh, yeah

what? What? What?

Even the big ladies' underwear

store got flooded out.

Either that or buster's wife

is going to catch her

death of cold.

You shouldn't be

making jokes.

Don't make me laugh!

Don't.

You shouldn't.

I hope you learned

something today.

I did, harold.

I learned that no matter

how much planning you do,

there's always one idiot

who'll mess things up.

I accept that

as an apology.

I hope you learned

something too, harold.

Yes, I did actually.

Oh, I learned

so many things...

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

First thing I learned

that I can swim,

which is a very good thing to

know at times like that.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

And I learned while

swimming in a sewer,

I can hold my breath

for ten minutes.

Well, that's very,

very good.

Oh, it's very good.

Unfortunately I was

in there for an hour!

(possum call)

it's meeting time,

uncle red. Yeah.

Is it safe to

go downstairs?

You'll be fine.

Away you go.

I'll be down

in a minute.

All right.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

I'd like to apologize for

the mall opening and closing.

But I think that's the end

of fireworks for one day,

unless you're awake

when I come home.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

you keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

[captions performed by

caption resource center]

harold:

Oh, here he is.

Take your seats.

Take your seats please.

Take your seats.

All rise.

Everyone:

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red green:

Sit down.

Harold:

Okay, I just have

the one announcement.

It's from baker's funeral home.

During the funeral procession

for moose thompson's grandfather

the other day,

they burned out the

clutch on the hearse.

So for the next two weeks only,

mr. Baker is forced to use

his son's stratochief wagon

as a hearse.

You all know that one.

It's the bright yellow one with

the flames across the hood.

It says "satan's choice"

on the tailgate.

He says if you like it,

we can keep using it.

Seems no one's

complaining so far.