Winston's Wedding/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

This is a stationary bike.

Bernice bought two of these,

believe it or not.

Yeah, it was during

her "we need to do more

things together" phase.

Luckily I was on

my toes that day.

I told her I was way too shy

to exercise in the same

room as her.

So I brought my bike down

here to the basement.

She kept her's upstairs in

the kitchen right above me

so she can keep an eye

on the basement door.

Make sure I didn't sneak out.

Of course, then she was worried

I'd just be down here sortin'

screws or whatever,

so I showed her this.

"unit's got an

odometer on it,

"and I promise you I'll put

the same number of miles

on my bike

"that you put on yours."

oh, here's another

little trick.

I extended the chain

on my bicycle,

ran it up

through the floor,

hooked it up to the

sprocket of her bicycle!

[ laughing ]

oh, time for my workout.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much. All right.

[ applause continues ]

yeah, I really appreciate that.

Unfortunately, not too much news

this week.

Buster hadfield forgot to mix

oil with the gas

for the outboards again.

So kind of a quiet week

on the lake

once all the engines seized up.

Hey, red,

I got an invitation

for you

and a pretty

big announcement.

Oh, yeah?

You got a new

septic truck?

Almost as good.

I'm gettin' married

three weeks from Saturday!

Oh, my gosh.

[ cheers and applause ]

look at that, eh!

"winston rothschild..."

blah, blah, blah.

"septic sucking..."

blah, blah, blah

our lady of hose?

No, that should

say our lady of hope.

I guess that's a typo.

Wow, what brought

all this on, winston?

Well, I was listening to this

month's self-help tape

from anthony anthony,

and he says a man my age should

commit to a life partner

and realise all the richness

of a complete existence.

Couldn't just walk

on hot coals, eh?

I know it is

a little sudden, red.

Actually, I was

kinda wondering...

You're sort of my idol

in the marriage department.

And I was kind of

hoping you'd be my mentor

with this whole

wedding procedure.

Well, I'll do

what I can.

For starters, there,

I would take your ad

off of the invitation.

Nobody wants to see a

picture of a septic truck

beside the dinner

menu, there.

See that's good.

You know about this stuff.

And it doesn't specify

the bride anywhere on here.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's another area I'm

gonna need your help with.

Um, I don't

have one yet.

[ laughter ]

are you telling me

you booked the wedding

and you don't

even have a bride?

Yeah, I figured I'd

book the church first

because I've that it's harder

to get than most of the

women around here.

Now, wait a sec.

Wait a second here.

Are you telling me

you gotta find a wife

in the next three weeks?

Oh, don't

worry about that.

It's not like I'm

starting from scratch, red.

I've got a list

of potentials.

Winston, that's

the phone book.

Yeah, red.

Don't you know?

She's gotta have a phone,

because the girl I marry

is also going to be my

receptionist.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

today's prize is a

user-friendly, space effective,

ergonomically designed

desk side sortation unit.

Uh, mr green, you've got

30 seconds to get dalton

to say this word...

Yeah, yeah,

all right, mike.

Okay.

And go!

Okay, dalton,

just listen and say the

first thing that comes

into your mind.

Don't think about things.

That's when the trouble starts.

That's the exact opposite of

what anne marie tells me.

Okay, that's good,

because this word is the

exact opposite of anne marie.

Heaven?

Okay, okay.

If someone is happy

and up all the time,

we say that person

is very...

Inebriated.

I'm talking

about attitude.

If a person has an up

attitude, they must

be very...

Naive.

We're almost out of

time, mr green.

Think about jumper

cables, okay?

The black one is the...

Burnt end.

No, this was black

right from the start.

It has to do with the

polarity of the thing.

I think that's the red end of

the jumper cables, mr green.

You mean the black

one's negative?

Yes, it is.

You sure?

Positive.

There we go!

[ applause ]

I bet a lot of you out there

started life as children.

And I bet your parents read

you stories like "goldilocks

and the three bears."

well, I'm here to tell you,

you've grown to adulthood with

an awful lot of dangerous

misinformation.

First of all,

bears do not eat porridge.

Not when it's hot or cold

or even if it's just right.

I did once see a

bear eat baked beans.

That was out of

a pot on a camp stove.

Then he ate the pot...

And then the stove.

But no porridge.

Second, bears do not

sit on chairs.

Bears don't sit on anything

they don't plan on eating.

And just forget

about those bears

you've seen riding

motorcycles in the circus.

They're not real.

They're just little desperate

men in hairy suits.

Third, bears do

not sleep in beds.

In fact, when they're

not hibernating,

they almost never sleep.

I was up a tree once

looking down at a bear

for 28 hours.

He never slept.

Didn't even get sleepy.

No, a sleepy thing doesn't

push your jeep over

and chew the tires off.

And I don't care

what goldilocks says.

Pretending to sleep

will not get rid of bears.

Neither will screaming

hysterically

or soiling yourself.

At least that's

been my experience.

Nope, the only thing that

could've saved goldilocks

would have been several

large park rangers

with nets and

tranquilizer guns.

So be careful of the fairy tale

lies you tell your children.

And remember, the next time

you hear the call of the wild,

let somebody else

answer it, huh?

[ applause ]

you know back when

I was growing up,

trucks were trucks

and vans were vans.

Now, instead of man-size vans

with the shag lining,

we've got these

mini-van/s.U.V. Deals.

And instead of

pick-up trucks,

we've got these

hiccup trucks.

We've lost all the strength

and power and rampant waste

that was the whole

point of trucks.

What's an old-fashioned guy

supposed to do?

I was hoping you'd ask.

I believe it's

called customizing.

What we're gonna do is

cut up all the units,

and then just put 'em back

together using the parts

that we want.

Kind of like

transplant surgery.

Just make sure you have

enough medical coverage.

Oh, one other thing.

You might wanna use the

front-wheel drive

units on this;

otherwise,

it's a lot of hard work,

and the results may not be

completely satisfying.

[ groaning ]

[ sound of shearing metal ]

okay,

that's the hard part done --

or at least it better be.

All right, all we do now is

join the big pieces together.

Yeah, it's a big job,

but luckily,

I planned ahead.

Really starting to

take shape, isn't she?

And look at the bonus I got from

the piece that's left over.

[ chuckling ]

oh, baby!

[ applause ]

I just use that

for short trips.

Now, this is one of those

strange deals

where a stupid project turned

out actually better than

you hoped.

This is way too special a

vehicle to use as a

utility truck.

I'm thinking more a

mobile luxury condo,

complete with hot tub!

Hi, mike.

Close the door.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Oh, yeah, here's something else

every luxury condo has...

A beautiful balcony.

Mmm.

Mission accomplished.

When people see this thing

comin' down the street,

they'll know there's

a man driving.

Remember, if the women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Dear lord, what man

has brought together,

let no pothole rend asunder.

[ applause ]

I wanna talk to some

of you older

technilogical illiterates

out there.

I'm sure you know

who you are.

The ones who think a palm pilot

is a derogatory term

for a guy who spends too

much time in the shower.

Yeah, technology is scary.

I don't blame you for being

suspicious of it.

But what kind of

world would this be

if we didn't have all

the gizmos and doo-dads

that we take for granted,

like, say, a toaster?

You know, without a toaster,

bread doesn't turn into toast.

It just gets real dry.

Now, I suppose you could toast

it over a campfire,

or take a magnifying glass

outside on a sunny day

and do her one spot at a time,

but that would take a while,

and may not be very hygienic,

but then, I'm not a doctor,

so don't quote me on that.

The point is,

like it or not,

technology's not

gonna go away.

And I'm not telling

you to embrace it

or marry a robot or anything.

But I think us middle-aged guys

need to master technology,

or technology's

gonna master us.

So do what I did...

Change the batteries

in your remote;

go set the clock on the vcr;

step up to the clerk behind the

counter and say,

"I wanna buy a

200 megahertz c.P.U.

"with a power v.R. Second

generation graphics processor."

and you watch

his jaw drop,

especially if you're

in a bakery!

Remember I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

boy, red,

this whole bride hunt thing's

a lot harder than I thought.

The only women showing any

interest are already married.

Did you check all

the hot spots in town?

Yep.

Singles bar?

Yep.

What about the

bus depot?

The bus depot is

the singles bar.

Red, I don't think there's

a woman in town

I haven't hit on.

Well, there is one

who may have made

it under the radar.

Bernice suggested her.

She's not

much of a looker,

but I guess if you come

home late enough at night,

it wouldn't be

too bad.

I've got her phone

number here for you.

Well, looks aren't that

important to me, red.

Yeah, anthony anthony

warns about

judging people by

their outward appearance.

Oh, yeah.

Have you seen him?

Hey, do you know where

I can get some flowers?

Uh, try the cenotaph.

Oh, okay.

Well, I sure hope

this works, red,

because I've been striking

out big time lately.

Well, maybe it's your

technique, winston.

Show me what you do.

Pretend I'm the woman.

Oh, okay, okay.

Yeah.

Okay, um, hi,

I'm winston.

I'm getting married

in a couple of weeks.

Wanna be the bride?

[ laughter ]

see, now, that's

too quick, see?

You gotta go slower.

You gotta say hello.

And compliment the woman,

something about herself.

Let her know that you're

interested in her,

you wanna know a

little more about her.

That kind of thing.

Okay.

Try again?

Sure.

Okay.

Hi, I'm winston.

And I couldn't help noticing

that you were sitting here

all by yourself.

You have

beautiful eyes.

I was wondering if

maybe some time

you and I could

go for dinner,

just the two of us.

[ door closing ]

[ applause ]

[ van brakes squealing ]

we can't sit here

all night, dalton.

I'm thinking.

Well, that won't

speed anything up.

I gotta come up with story

to tell anne marie.

I can't just waltz in there

and tell her I got a boat.

Oh, come on, dalton,

you wanted a boat,

you found one,

you bought it,

end of story.

Be a man,

for gosh sakes.

Besides, if I go

home with this boat,

bernice will kill me.

You think I could

take the boat back?

Not tonight.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

Well, you could wrap

yourself in blankets

and lie down in the boat.

I could set you adrift

in the bull rushes.

Then you'd become

king of egypt,

and you could have

all the boats you wanted.

I've got an idea.

Come on, red.

You help me get

the boat off the van.

Get the coiled

rope from the back.

What are you

gonna do?

I'm gonna hide

the boat

on the roof!

Anne marie never looks

up on the roof.

All I have to do is slide it

down when I want to use it,

and put it back up

when I'm done.

I may never have to

tell her about it.

Okay.

All right.

[ sound of metal scraping ]

anne marie: Dalton?

What's all that noise about?

Uh, I was just checking

that out, dear.

It doesn't seem to

be anything.

Go back to bed,

sweetheart.

Anne marie: Yeah.

Who's there with you?

Uh, red,

red green.

Anne marie: Oh.

Dalton?

Yes, honey.

Anne marie:

Did you buy a boat?

[ crash! ]

hi, winston rothschild here

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Lots of people

can dish it out,

but we can take it.

Red: Walter had me come up

behind the lodge.

He had some kind

of a target game.

I always like a

new kind of game,

especially if the

rules are fairly simple

and I sensed right

away this was gonna

be pretty easy to grasp.

So walter went off

into the garden

and he picked

himself a tomato.

And apparently it's not

a fruit or a vegetable,

it's a projectile.

Now, he's trying to hit the

centre of the bull's-eye.

Let's see how he does.

And right into van,

which is always nice.

He wants to step it up a bit.

Is that a butternut squash

or something?

I'm referring

to the melon, of course.

Yeah, let's just

readjust this,

aim it away from the van

a little bit.

Yeah, that's better.

All right.

Give this one a go, walter.

Let her rip.

There we go.

This looks better.

Okay.

Okay.

Ha ha ha.

Not even close.

No, no, no.

Never send a boy.

All right.

Okay.

Now, there's a melon.

Yep, yep, yep.

Set that on there and

check this out, walter.

Stand back.

You could get hurt,

little fella.

Oh, I love it,

love it, love it.

And oh, boy!

Oh, yeah.

But the old competitive

spirit comes out in walter.

He's gotta 140,

150 pounder he's got there.

Oh, my gosh,

that's gonna take a --

put her in front

of the handle there.

There we go.

All right, give her a go.

Good luck to you.

Oh, gosh,

that's not right.

Get the barrel up there.

Get up on the barrel.

And then jump on it.

Get up on top,

then jump down.

Okay, give it all

you got, walter.

Way you go.

Give her a go.

Oh, it's comin' --

look out, look out!

It's comin' --

o-o-oh!

Oh!

Bull's-eye!

[ cheers and applause ]

don't you hate

this time of year

the bugs start kamikazeing

on your windshield?

Sometimes it's

like a biblical plague.

I'm glad I totalled

my chopper.

I don't know what these

darned bugs are made of,

but the windshield wipers

just spread the problem

to point you can't even see

where you're going.

You think to yourself,

there's gotta be a better way.

Well, there is.

I got this roller rig

off an old city bus,

where they wind the crank to

the change the display of

where they're going.

Only instead of destinations,

I loaded up my rollers

with plastic food wrap.

Then I just drive along,

and when it gets so bad

I can't see the road,

I just pull over

and crank my winder.

[ applause ]

winston rothschild here

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services

reminding you if

your place is reeking,

something's probably leaking.

Well, winston's out with the

future mrs rothschild.

It's kind of the last

chance for both of them,

so I don't expect

to see him any time soon.

Oh!

What happened?

You two didn't

hit it off?

She hit it off.

I didn't.

Love stinks!

Well,

you would know.

She turned me

down flat, red.

Doesn't wanna marry me.

She's got a "career."

she did say that she would live

with me for a while, though.

Well, that's

something right there.

No, I don't

love her, red.

You don't shack up with

somebody you don't love.

But it's okay

to marry them?

Sure!

Because you get so much

time to just get used

to each other.

You know that concept of

being more attracted

to somebody

after you've been married

to them for a while

is a bit of a

stretch for me.

Why don't you just

find somebody you like,

then just take it

from there?

Hm, that's not the way

anthony anthony says

to do it.

He married?

Eight times!

And I can't even

get married once.

Oh, well.

I went by the church and

I canceled everything.

They're gonna let

me off the hook,

but the reception hall is

gonna keep my down payment.

Well, I know what to do.

Just switch from

having a reception

to just having a party.

You can have dancing

and whatnot there.

You might even

meet somebody.

Hey, that's

a great idea!

Yeah, I can use it

as a business promotion.

And if I'm not losing

my down payment,

that's also good

for business.

Because you know

at rothschild sewage,

we've never

lost a deposit.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time.

Hey, hey, winston,

are you all right with this.

Oh, yeah, red.

I'm fine.

Don't worry about me.

I mean, I've got my

whole life in front of me.

My business

is humming;

my options are open.

I'll bet you I'm the

envy of every guy here.

Don't bet much.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

After what I've seen today,

I'm feeling lucky

to be married to you.

Feeling lucky to have

the life that I have.

And I'm hoping this lucky

streak will continue

long after people our age are

supposed to be asleep.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ applause and cheering ]

sit down.

Come on, guys, sit down.

Sit down.

Everybody sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men,

bow your heads for

the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Red: All right, guys,

listen up.

Winston has a brief

announcement.

Winston.

Winston: Uh, yeah, guys,

thanks to red,

I'm not getting married.

Dalton: Okay, okay,

don't say anything more!

I just want you to know that

I have told everybody in the

lodge about you two.

And, well, it's okay by us.

[ applause ]

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