X Marks The Spot/Transcript

The complete transcript for X Marks The Spot

Opening Words
''{Text appears on screen: "Women better themselves. Men better their friends." A crowd is heard cheering as the sound of punching is heard, followed by the sound of somebody falling over, after which a bell rings repeatedly.}''

The Experts
''{Harold, Red and Dalton Humphrey sit in the lodge around a table. Harold sits in a recliner while Red and Dalton sit in a two-person couch.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! And on this week's Expert portion of the show, we have experts, my Uncle Red and his good friend, Dalton Humphrey!

''{The audience and Harold applaud. Red and Dalton wave. Harold picks up an envelope and opens it. He takes out a folded letter and unfolds it.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, good! That's fine. 'Kay, first question goes as follows: {reads letter} "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Dalton} La-la-laa! All righty. {resumes reading} "–How old–" {stops suddenly} Whoa! Excellent one, okay! {resumes reading} "How old should a child be before you explain the facts of life to them?" {giggles; looks toward Red}

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, this really depends on the maturity of the child. Some of them are ready at thirteen, others aren't ready until... Well, how old are you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Nineteen.

RED GREEN: Until they're 21. But I'll tell ya, this is one job that no parent wants to do. I'm really glad I won't have to explain the facts of life any. {looks toward Dalton} Well, well, Dalton? {Dalton looks at Red} Uh, how old was your daughter when you told her about the birds and the bees?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, that's a wife's job, Red.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. A dad tells a son what he tells a daughter. Kind of the natural order of things, {Red nods} and, uh... Well, you're dad taught you, right?

RED GREEN: Well, no, he just, uh, gave me a book by Mickey Spillane called "Kiss Me Deadly", and, uh, he said, "This is what married people do." I thought he meant shoot each other and have car chases. That's pretty much what his relatives did, you know.

HAROLD GREEN: Mr. Humphrey, how old was your daughter Tabitha when your wife told her about the facts– {laughs} about the, uh– the– the– y'know, the– {flaps his arms; looks behind him} about it? When– How old– How old was she when she heard about it?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, she hasn't yet! Tabitha's only twenty. There's no rush.

RED GREEN: But she has a boyfriend, though, doesn't she, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Huh! So? You know what? It's puppy love, Red; totally innocent.

RED GREEN: {shrugs} All right.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know what? I don't think they even kiss yet. {giggles}

RED GREEN: I just thought, y'know, 'cause they moved in together, so...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, yeah, but that– that– that doesn't... mean anything. He sleeps on the couch. {Harold laughs; suddenly impatient} Her mother will talk to her when the time's right, all right?!

RED GREEN: Well, I hope she can get her attention in the delivery room.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * I ask lots of men, what's the thing they like most?
 * Hunting or fishing or peanut butter on toast?
 * The most popular answer from each time I've asked
 * Is, whatever I'm doing, I like to go fast.

HAROLD GREEN: {singing} He likes to go fast!

RED GREEN:
 * Driving a car or riding a bike,
 * Eating my dinner or taking a hike.
 * Speed is the thrill that makes all men glad,
 * Except when we've fallen off the roof, in which case, we'd like gravity to just ease off on the throttle a tad.