Never Send A Man/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Now, this may come as

a shock to a lot of you,

but, you know, progress

isn't always a bad thing.

For example, they have that

e-mail, on the internet now,

where you can keep in

touch with loved ones

without having to

blow 50 cents on a stamp.

And the best thing I

like about e-mail is that

you have a filter on there so

you can keep junk mail out.

So I'm thinking

wouldn't it be great

to have that kind of a

filter on your normal mail,

something that would allow

the government cheques

to come in,

but would filter

out the flyers

trying to sell me

a timeshare in afghanistan?

So here's what I've

come up with...

To help sort

the regular mail

I've got a belt sander

lying on its side.

It takes up a

fair bit of room,

which means all my incoming

mail has to stay vertical,

which is important,

because back here

I've made a second door,

but it's only as

high as your standard

letter-size envelope.

See, junk mail

tends to be larger.

I guess so they can put

pictures of big things on it,

like amphibious cars

or mobile homes

or ed mcmahon's head.

So now all I got to do

is turn on my belt sander

to receive my mail.

Incoming.

Okay, and now to get

rid of my junk mail,

all I got to do is hit the

reverse switch on the

belt sander.

Be sure to recycle.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you.

Appreciate that.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, you know,

as a matter of fact,

even the guys at the lodge

are real excited this week.

You can tell because

when you talk to them,

they don't fall

asleep as fast.

Harold has really

done it this time.

He's locked up a contract

with the u.S. Armed forces

to use possum lodge as part

of their training centre.

Apparently they

like coming to places

that are already

environmental disasters.

Uncle red!

[ cheers and applause ]

they'll like

anything, harold.

I got your gift.

Thank you very much.

Harold, it was the

least I could do.

I know.

What is it?

Well it's a

fishing lure.

It's for catching bass.

It's called a bass-ackwards.

It's got a lead sinker

right inside there.

You can catch anything

near the bottom with it.

Wow!

That's -- that's... Okay.

No problem.

Thank you.

So when are you

expecting the troops to

come rolling in, harold?

When do we see the tanks

and the anti-aircraft guns

come thundering down the --

[ laughing ]

what are you

talking about?

I'm talking about the

army camp from the states.

The thing you booked.

I didn't book any army

camp from the states.

I booked the boy scouts

from st. Catharines.

Boy scouts?

You mean we're not

getting colin powell's men?

No. We're getting

baden-powell's boys.

Why would boy scouts want

to come to possum lodge?

Well, they volunteered to

help clean up around here.

And you know what?

They've also volunteered

to help teach you guys to

survive in the outdoors,

'cause what you don't

know can hurt you.

What I do know

can hurt you, harold.

All right,

look here. Look here.

These are signal

flags, right?

So...

What does this mean?

The hockey game's on.

It's eight o'clock.

See, you got things to

learn, even at your age.

But anyway, thank you

very much for the lure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very kind of you.

Ah! Ow! Oh!

I told you it'd catch

anything near the

bottom, harold.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner receives

this coupon for a million...

Coupons.

But if you have a fireplace,

all the coupons are flammable.

And all the coupons

are staple free,

so they make an excellent

bathroom accessory.

Okay, cover your ears, mike.

Red, you have 30 seconds to

get mike to say this word...

Yeah, okay, winston.

And... Go!

All right, mike, this is kind

of an old-fashioned word.

People don't say

it anymore.

Please.

Okay. Okay.

What do you call

a really big piano?

Hard to steal.

No. Okay.

Something that's impressive,

imposing and substantial

is said to be...

Pamela anderson.

Okay, think of your

own family, okay?

In relation to you,

your father's father is...

Anybody's guess.

Okay, red, you're almost

out of time here.

I know. I know.

Okay, mike, this is

another word for $1,000.

A bribe.

But this is

not a bribe.

Well, that's what I said,

but the grand jury wouldn't

go along with it.

There you go!

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

announcer:

What happens when you

combine the raw power

of a 23-year-old

rusted out diesel engine

with a 3,500-gallon

sewage tank?

[ gagging ]

vroom, vroom.

♪ vroom, vroom, vroom ♪

♪ vroom, vroom, vroom ♪

♪ vroom, vroom,

vroom, vroom vroom ♪

♪ vroom, vroom,

vroom, vroom ♪

[ ♪♪ ]

my wife bernice bought

some new furniture,

but instead of getting

a full-size couch,

she got this love seat.

I'm not happy.

Oh, sure,

love seats are fine

for ladies sitting

there watching oprah.

But a man on a love seat

is kind of like

riding side saddle.

I need my space.

I need room to stretch out.

So I need to find a way to

have a love seat for bernice

that will also double as a

full-size couch for me.

And that's

today's project,

right here on

handyman corner.

Here's a small glimpse into

the world of inspiration

and how it can enter your

life if you're one

of the gifted.

See how this works?

This is an

extension ladder.

So I'm thinking, with this

second unit right here,

we can make an

extension love seat.

Okay, now, the extension

love seat works

on exactly the same principle

as the extension ladder,

except with

a lot less aluminum.

Bottom line: One part's

gotta fit inside the other.

So what I'm going

to do is lop off

the right side of

bernice's love seat here.

Well, actually it's my left;

it's your right.

It's stage left --

camera ---

okay, this end right here.

Okay, now, to make

this work right,

you gotta haul

most of the stuffing

out of the back and the

seat of the main unit.

Okay.

Really starting

to take shape, isn't she?

Now my smaller love seat can

slide into and out of

the existing unit.

The big question is,

how do we get it to slide?

And the big answer

right over here.

You know, you can get these

carts at any grocery store.

They only

cost a quarter.

I don't know how they can

afford to stay in business.

Okay, I got the

grocery cart wheels

mounted on the bottom of

my second love seat,

and I rolled

her into place.

I tell you, bernice is going

to flip out when she

sees this baby.

You see, now it's

a love seat,

where she can sit and

do her needlepoint

and tell me what

a great guy her dad is.

But when it's my turn,

I get to put my feet up

and stretch out.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

a man's got to do

what a man's got to do.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

you probably heard them say

that to err is human,

but to really mess up

you need a computer.

I'm actually old enough to

remember the years b.C...

Before computers.

Back then the only use for

silicon we knew about

was from looking at

pictures of pin-up girls,

which was also

our introduction to the

concept of virtual reality.

Life was a lot simpler

when "boot up" and "log on"

was something you did when

you wanted to warm your

feet by the fire.

See, computers were

in their infancy then,

and, like all infants, they

eventually grow up to

be teenagers

and then take

over your life.

And in the

last few decades,

computers have

slowly but surely

taken over every

aspect of our existence.

And there have been

a bunch of us

who have fought it

every step of the way

from punch cards to p.C.S.

Well, I salute the effort,

but I'm here to tell you

the battle is over

and we lost, baby.

We lost big time.

The palm pilots

have landed.

Lay down your arms and get

carpel-tunnel syndrome

like everybody else.

The enemy is

at the gates.

Heck, the enemy may

even be named gates.

Remember, I pulling for you.

We're all in

this together.

If you've got a septic

that sputters and sprays;

if it smells like cattle

that've been round to graze;

rothschild's will find your

house through the haze.

We come in a truck

and leave in a daze.

Well, the boy scouts

are all here.

About 100 of them wandering

around the lodge,

telling us everything

we're doing wrong.

It's a dream come true.

[ whistles and applause ]

you all set?

Yeah,

I think so.

Okay!

Okay!

C'mon in, bobby.

This is your

table right here.

Okay, if the contestants

are all set and ready

to play --

get on with it,

harold.

Okay. Okay.

All right.

Memory is a very important

survival tool, all right?

So our first event will be

a memory challenge.

All right,

uncle red, bobby,

you have ten seconds to

memorize everything

on this board.

Time's up.

Okay. Uncle

red, you go first.

All right, uh,

I believe there was a

picture of a young lady.

And, uh...

A bikini.

And then there was...

A pink bikini,

I think it was.

Very good.

Very impressive.

Bobby.

A compass,

a fishing lure,

a pair of scissors, a knife,

a comb, a whistle

and a girl

in a bathing suit,

and I think her name

was jennifer England.

Yes!

Oh, very good!

Yes. The score now is

five points for bobby,

one for uncle red.

No, no, no,

I should get two,

because I got the model

and the bikini.

All right.

One.

All right, our next event,

what I would like you to do,

you've got two pieces of

rope on your table.

Please tie them

into a reef knot.

And go.

[ harold hums

theme to jeopardy ]

oh, excellent!

Yes. Very good.

All right.

Bobby has a reef knot

and six points.

Uncle red?

[ laughter and applause ]

uncle red has one point

and a ball of twine.

All right, our next

event will be,

I want you

to start a fire,

but only using the wood

that is on your table.

And begin!

[ applause begins ]

no. No. No. No. No!

Just wait a minute.

This is red green.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, harold, this is

not important anyway.

If you want

a real competition,

let's have it out in the

bush where it counts, okay?

The men of

possum lodge

challenge you boys scouts

to a race, okay,

from the lodge up to

rock reef point and back.

No boats,

no vehicles,

no shooting guys

out of cannons.

Just, you know, compasses

and a pocket knife.

That's it!

All right.

That's fine.

Then we accept

your challenge.

Bobby, go tell

the others.

We're going to beat

you so bad.

Which was is

rock reef point?

Just follow us,

harold.

Red:

Walter and I needed

to split up some wood.

The weather was getting

a little colder, so --

we just had the one axe,

so we'd kind of take

turns on there.

So I said,

I'll go first.

This is how you do it.

You just come down,

there's your split.

And now walter's turn.

Walter, he's a muscular

young fellow.

But he didn't notice this

one had a few extra

knots in there.

So when it went in, boy,

she stuck right in there.

And couldn't get it out,

and now what do you do?

And he's trying

to horse her out

and I'm thinking, there's

two ways to go with an axe...

If it won't come out, you got

to drive it farther in.

So I get the sledge hammer.

Now, hold her loose, walter,

don't hold it tight.

That's gotta --

there's a lot of --

those are not good

vibrations.

So I thought if you can't

get the axe off the log,

why don't you pull

the log off the axe.

So I duct taped the axe

handle to the tree,

and I wrapped the

chain around the log.

So the idea, just put that

around the hitch there,

and I could just

pull her  off --

pull the log right

off the axe.

Unfortunately, I probably

should have tied the

knot on the hitch,

and walter noticed that the

chain was actually

starting to slip

now on the ball.

And he ran out

to kind of fix that

so it wouldn't just come

ight off and go loose.

And he got her snugged up

just in time and

and what happened there --

I couldn't believe it --

the duct tape let go.

And coming right

at me -- oh!

And by golly, he's away.

So I turn around and

I spot him, but too late.

He did a kind of

crack the whip thing,

and he went

right up a tree.

So I figure I'd pull him

down with the chain,

but just the chain

came down.

Oh, there he is.

Okay. All right.

And now, of course,

the axe is starting to

come out of the log

and... Oh, boy.

That's gotta hurt.

And here comes the log,

and we got her split!

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

conventional wisdom

these days

says that size

doesn't matter.

Well, if there's two

words I don't relate to,

it's conventional

and wisdom.

So for guys like me,

size does matter,

in cars, houses,

televisions

and yes, even waffles.

... Five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

Okay.

All we need to add

now is the maple syrup.

For our climate,

I recommend...

10-w-30.

It's time for the experts

portion of the show,

where we explore

those three little words

men find so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

That's right.

All right.

Today's letter reads

as follows...

"dear experts,

"I am really bugged

by my neighbours.

"they make noise

night and day,

"and they're always

having loud arguments.

"they don't clean their yard

or even cut the grass

"and now they're selling car

parts on the front lawn.

"what can I do?"

well, I think we've got to

ask ourselves two questions.

First of all, what exactly

are the car parts?

And what does the guy

want for them?

He doesn't say.

Well, I don't know what

you can do about

the noise,

and as for the arguments,

you know, I say

let them be.

Sure, arguments

can be therapeutic.

Arguing is about the only

communication I have

with ann marie.

You know, except for

the apologizing

and then the begging

and the talking to

myself in the garage.

You know, I think our

letter writer needs to

take a mature approach

and just simply call the

neighbour and ask him nicely

if he would mind being a

little more thoughtful.

Well, I don't agree with you

guys at all on this one.

I think a man fights

fire with fire on that.

I mean, if he's letting his

lawn go for three weeks,

you let yours go

for six weeks.

If he's got

chain saws running,

you rent a pile driver.

If he's parking

on his lawn,

get yourself a school bus

with the kids still in it.

I don't know about

that, red.

You know, sometimes

you can be a little

confrontational.

Everyone gets

their back up.

I'm in the sewage business,

and I know what a backup is.

It's like a septic tank.

You want to relieve

the pressure,

not increase the pressure,

'cause one day she'll blow,

and then everybody's got

egg on their face.

You know, it depends

who you talk to.

Some people are reasonable

and open to change.

I've never met him.

Sounds like this

guy's neighbour

could be pretty

set in his ways.

I'll tell you

what I would do.

I would get some of

those green garbage bags,

and I would put all

of my junk into them,

all my garbage

and everything.

And I'd go up on the

roof of my place

and just pitch 'em right

through the windows of

that guy's place.

That'd wake him up.

Red, the guy'd probably

go to jail for that.

And he ain't gonna like

his neighbours there.

Well, you know, winston,

maybe so in the city,

but in the country you'd

probably get away with it.

Where does the

guy live, anyway?

Oh, there's

no return address.

Local postmark,

though.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ applause ]

oh, yes! Oh, yes!

I guess you can tell who won

the race to rock reef point.

I'm good, harold.

Don't worry about me.

You brought this on

yourself, uncle red.

Hey, I got lucky.

They kept with other guys

there for observation.

I'll tell you

something, harold.

You know, technically,

we won the race.

We were back to the lodge

before you guys were.

You were in an

ambulance.

You guys are just too

old and out of shape

to be climbing

rock reef point.

Rock reef point

wasn't a problem.

It was mercury creek.

Our man-made bridge

collapsed.

We had too

little support

and too much

moose thompson.

Well, I hoped you

learned something.

I did. I did.

I learned that duct tape

doesn't stick to bark.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, okay, har --

how can me have a meeting

if all the guys are

in the hospital?

I invited

the boy scouts.

Oh, great.

Yeah, okay.

I'll be down

eventually.

Okay, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And harold's right.

I did actually learn a

couple of things today.

Number one, you can't teach

an old dog new tricks,

and number two, you really

can't tell the difference

between hardwood

and softwood trees

when you land on them at

about 100 miles an hour.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

here he comes.

Don't laugh.

He worked hard.

Sit down. Sit down.

[ stifling a laugh ]

all rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right... Men,

bow your heads for

the... Scouts' prayer.

I'm a scout,

but I can lighten up,

if I have to, I guess.

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