Hurricane Doug/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, most golfers will

tell you the toughest

part of the game

is perfecting their swing.

My advice...

Do away with the

swing all together

with the red green hole-in-one,

swingless golf club.

All you do is attach the head

of your driver and a real

heavy duty fishing reel,

and to one of these chest

expander units

perhaps you gave to

a close personal friend,

only to have her throw the whole

thing right back in your face.

Then all you do is run some

100-pound test line

from the reel right down

to the head of the club.

And you're ready to play.

The more you reel it in,

the more power it delivers.

Just wind her in, 'til you

get it where you want it,

then lock it.

Then when you're ready,

let 'er rip.

[ cheering and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

The local bank's got a

big deal going on.

You open up an account,

and they give you one these

weather radios for free!

No charge. There's no charge.

It's free and they just give

it to you.

I mean, there's no charge.

I mean --

this is crazy, eh?

No wonder the banks

aren't doin' well.

Red, it looks like we're

in for some pretty

serious weather.

You been listening to

your weather radio?

No.

Well, you know,

you should

because we

got trouble!

Let me tell him.

That's right, red.

We got a

cyclone coming.

No, it's a hurricane.

Yeah, right,

a hurricane.

Right, it's a big

wind, and it's, like,

3,000-mile-per-hour winds!

150-kilometre-an-hour.

Right, with hail stones

the size of golf balls!

No, no hailstorm.

Just high wind,

lotta rain.

And we got a

tornado comin'!

No, it's a hurricane.

It's a big storm!

Okay --

no.

Dalton, we don't

get hurricanes here.

We're too far

from the ocean.

We get a fair

bit of wind,

but that's because we're

so close to port asbestos,

and it sucks.

Not this time, red.

We've got a force 5 hurricane.

Hurricane doug

is coming our way!

We gotta hunker down.

We gotta board up the windows.

Ration the water!

Save one bullet

for yourself!

It's time for

the possum lodge word game!

And today mr ed frid

is playing for

this special coupon,

which allows him to get 50% off

on all other coupons.

Mr green, you have 30 seconds to

get mr frid to say this word...

All right, mike.

Oh, okay.

And, go!

Okay, ed,

you take something wild,

and you feed it,

and you look after it,

and you get to the point

where you don't have to worry

about if it's going to

attack you anymore.

That wild animal is now...

Your teen-aged son.

No, no, no, no.

When the wild animal has

been trained to be with

people, it's...

Just waiting for its

chance to attack.

No, this animal is not

dangerous because it's...

Dead.

Okay, think about an animal.

You want a word that

rhymes with game.

Maim.

Almost outta time, mr green.

Ed, I'm talking about,

like, a pet for a kid,

a cuddly puppy

or a hamster --

whoa, no.

No, don't get a hamster.

They're evil.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they'll come into your

room while you're sleeping

and eat your eyes.

Oh, yeah, you can't

tame a hamster.

There we go!

[ applause ]

[ harold cawing ]

uncle red.

Oh, you're

breathing heavy.

This building was designed

by a moron, harold.

The elevator only goes

to the 19th floor.

Ha ha! You got on

the wrong elevator.

Some of them only go

to the 19th floor.

The others go

from 20 on up.

Well, I still say there's a

moron involved somewhere

in this situation.

Well, I won't argue

with you on that.

Pardon me, harold?

Would you like some

water for that?

We have distilled,

sparkling, reverse osmosis.

I prefer faucet.

Reverse faucet,

if you have it.

Perfect.

Just gonna use

the phone here.

Hello?

[ red's voice on intercom ]

hello!

Piece of crap!

What are you doing?

Well, I'm trying to

use the phone, harold.

It was invented

130 years ago.

I thought they'd

have it working by now.

Well, line six is the direct

line to our new york office.

Oh.

Yeah, seven and eight's

our toll free number;

eleven and twelve is

our I.S.D.N. Number

for data transfer;

and if you want

an outside line,

that's one through five;

you have to dial nine

to get out.

Do you hear yourself, harold?

I just wanna

make a phone call.

You're reciting four pages

out of the space shuttle

service manual.

What's going on,

harold?

Is it me?

Well, you know, you're

in the big city now.

You know, you have

to embrace technology.

You don't do

that very much.

I embrace aunt bernice.

That beats reverse osmosis,

I'll tell you.

I'll trust you

on that one.

But you know,

here where I work,

we have to

embrace technology

'cause if we don't,

technology will

pass us by.

Yeah, but what

about life, harold, huh?

What about life passing you by?

What about the thrill of

making something with

your own hands?

Where does that fit

into your world?

Remember that

fishing boat I made,

using all those heating ducts

and the recliner,

do you remember that?

How would your downtown buddies

pull that one off, huh?

They'd buy a boat.

That's what I'm saying.

Well, that's what

I'm saying.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Okay, we got our next two items

up for auction here.

Mike, why don't

you start us off?

Uh, okay.

Thank you, mr green.

As you can see, gentlemen,

uh, this is an authentic

drive-in movie speaker

that dates all the way

back to the '50s.

Where'd you

get that, mike?

At the possum lake

drive-in theatre.

You got that in

the '50s?

No, I got it on

Saturday night.

Uh, but it is old,

yeah.

And there was a movie from the

'50s playing at the time,

uh, the ten commandments.

I guess you left before they got

to "thou shalt not steal."

look, I know we all kid

about my criminal record,

but, mr green, I'm actually

a little hurt.

I did not steal

this speaker.

I just had to leave

in a hurry,

and I forgot that it was

still stuck in the window.

Honest.

What was the

big rush?

Well, the car's owner came

back from the snack bar.

All right, well, we'll get

to that item in a minute.

Now let's see what

hap brought for us.

Thank you, red.

I figure what this

auction needs is a

touch of celebrity.

So I brought

along something just

a little bit special.

Oh, man!

That's a dazzler.

That looks like something

elvis would wear, huh?

In his dreams,

maybe.

No, I mean, who was

the celebrity?

I was.

Huh?

I wore it to

front my band

in the late '50s,

hap hornet and

the rockin' drones.

Oh, yeah, we had

our own sound.

I'm guessin'

puget sound.

No, no, no.

We were very big.

We had a gold record in '58,

"gotta lotta hotta watta"

(got a lot of hot water).

We toured all over the states.

Did you ever

meet the king?

Who's that?

Elvis?

Elvis.

Elvis, nah.

Well, I met him,

but we hardly spoke.

He opened for me in fresno.

I would've been the king myself,

but I was canadian,

so they called me the prime

minister of rock and roll.

[ applause ]

so this was

your jacket?

Yeah, fans would go

nuts when they saw

me in that.

I remember telling ann-margret

I was too busy to see her.

Broke her heart.

To cheer her up, I suggested she

go and show elvis the ropes.

I didn't mean literally.

Boy, hap,

I dunno.

You as a rock star?

I'm having trouble

believing this.

What do you think, mike?

Well, I think you should

show a little more

respect, mr green.

Oh,

thanks, mike.

Take it from me.

You can't toss off a

whopper like that and

keep a straight face, man.

That's really hard.

Look, I don't care whether

you guys believe me or not.

I'm tellin' you,

I was a rock star.

Why else would a heterosexual

guy wear a thing like that?

So how's it

going, dale?

I'm all done

here, mr green.

Do you still have

the washroom key?

No, I gave it back

to you, didn't I?

I don't think so.

Oh, no,

there it is.

Wow, I was afraid

I'd lost it again.

I, uh, put a drop of oil

in your horn relay.

Your horn was sticking.

Yeah, I know.

I like it sticking.

That way I can let morons

know what I think of them

and still keep both

hands on the wheel.

Your generation is so

confrontational.

No, we're not!

Well, I mean, doesn't

your generation ever lean

on the horn once in a while?

No, mostly I just

use it to say hi;

you know, beep beep,

how's it goin', buddy?

Dale, a horn is not

for saying hello.

It's for saying, get the

hell outta the way.

Like this...

[ honking horn ]

you're holding it for

two whole notes, mr green.

See, if you just play

two quarter notes,

[ honking horn ]

it sounds cheerful.

You should try it.

It'll be cool.

Oh, well, I definitely

wanna be cool.

That's a top

priority with me.

Well, give it

a try, mr green.

You never know.

You might surprise yourself.

Yeah, why don't I

just do that, dale?

And you have yourself

a rainbow day.

[ honking horn ]

you know sometimes

you go into town,

you got a list

of things to do...

Maybe, pick up some

groceries for the family;

go to the post office.

And the bad part is when

you get the groceries first,

they gotta sit in the van while

you're waiting for service

at the post office.

Especially if you got ice cream.

And don't think your can trick

your kids by refreezing

ice cream.

Believe me,

something changes.

So today we're gonna turn a van

into a mobile

refrigeration unit.

So you'll never be in a rush

to get home with those

darned groceries.

And the beauty of

this project is

you don't need to know anything

about refrigeration.

We're not reinventing

the wheel here.

We're just stealing

fridge technology.

So all you gotta do

is get the door off of

just an ordinary kitchen

refrigerator like this one.

That should be no problem.

I believe it's just

a lift and tug thing.

Maybe this one's more of

a yank and swing deal.

No, no, I think this is actually

the hyperextend mechanism

on this one.

Nope.

All right, once you've got

the door off the fridge,

what you gotta do is make an

opening in the side of the van

big enough for the back of

the fridge to stick out of.

And if you're a real handyman

and you got a good eye,

you don't even have to measure.

All right, now, I've attached

the fridge on there,

as you can see, with the

handyman's secret weapon,

duct tape.

But you know what I'm thinking?

This van isn't really airtight.

I need a little

extra cooling power.

So I added a couple of fridges

onto the back here.

Actually, moose thompson

gave me the fridges.

He actually used to have one in

every room in his house,

but now he's upgraded to a

walk-in meat locker.

Oh, and watch the light go on

when I open the door.

See, just like a fridge.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

One other thing I

wanna show you.

I've wired all the fridges up to

this cigarette adapter here.

I actually did that myself.

Oh, yeah, I know as much about

electronics as I do about

refrigeration.

All right, time to

pick up the groceries

and do the ice cream test.

Talk about air conditioning.

I'd say, if anything,

the ice cream actually

got harder this time.

So remember if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

That's probably

gonna hurt later.

I wanna talk to you

older married guys

about something they

don't teach you in school.

There's a lot of talk these

days about standing up

for your rights

and speaking up for yourself.

This does not apply to any

successful marriage.

Any idiot knows when to speak up

and shoot his mouth off,

but a real wise man knows when

to just put a lid on it.

Oh, yeah, there are certain

times in any marriage

when it's better

to just say nothing;

for example, when you

do something wrong,

you break something,

or you lose something,

or you forget something,

or you drink something.

Just keep very, very quiet.

I know honesty

is a great policy,

so is insurance.

The trick is not use either one

until you absolutely have to.

You know, life has a way of

getting you into trouble.

You don't need to help it.

So when you screw up,

shut up.

Another time

you wanna keep quiet

is when you do something right;

like, your way was

the right way,

and your idea

was the right idea,

your plan was the right plan.

No one that you're married to

wants to hear that.

Nothing good ever

follows the phrase,

I told you so.

So whenever you

do something wrong,

or whenever you

do something right,

try just keeping your trap shut.

And if it works,

well, I --

remember I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ sound of hammering ]

ow!

Oh, geez.

Uh, okay, girls.

Got the windows

all boarded up.

Are you gonna be okay,

or do you want a

teddy bear to hug?

You better

take cover, red.

They're expecting

hurricane doug to hit

our area any second!

Oh, boy, a hurricane.

Gosh, where am

I gonna hide?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, there's

gonna be rain.

There's gonna be wind.

Oh, boy.

I guess I'll warn the others.

Better warn the others.

Look out, everybody.

Oh, look out.

Look out.

[ birds chirping ]

boy, it's very, very

sunny out here.

Birds -- little birdies,

there's a hurricane coming.

Hurricane.

Oh, look, there's

a place I can hide.

I'll go sit

in the canoe.

[ clock ticking ]

kids just like

to get involved in

something with you, you know,

just a simple backyard game or

an interesting conversation.

And that is the type of thing

that won't cost you

anything but time.

You don't have to go out

and buy a whole bunch of

expensive sports equipment

or video games

or all that stuff.

But here's the thing,

don't be selfish about it.

Just a second.

Don't be selfish.

Don't just do things

that you wanna do.

You see you have to be --

just a second.

You have to be able

to read a kid.

And suggest things you

figure he'd like to do.

That's what you

wanna be able to do.

Whoa! You snuck right up

on me there, didn't you?

You're getting pretty good

at this game, huh?

Okay, well, I'll do

the counting now,

and you run

along and hide.

You run off and hide,

and I'll do the counting.

I'm not looking.

Don't worry, I'm counting.

I'm not looking here at all.

You know, I never used to play

hide and seek when I was a kid.

Oh, no, no, I had the friends.

No, I did.

But we'd always get together at

the parents' house, you know,

and there was never

any place to hide.

Dad had pretty much blown

everything flat, you know.

Had to go a mile to find

a door to hide behind.

Or just dig a hole in the

ground and lie down in it.

But you know what,

I like hide and seek.

Because you don't

have to run.

You just take your time.

You're looking around casually.

It's not like tag.

God, I hate tag.

[ applause ]

[ bell ringing ]

red:

Walter and I are out in the

back behind the lodge there,

just painting the shed.

That's a good way

to spend a Saturday --

or even better,

like, a Wednesday.

Walter's just younger.

He's got no patience.

It's not dry yet, walter.

It's not dry.

It's not dry!

We just painted it.

No, don't blow on it.

That's not gonna help.

That makes no difference.

That's gonna make

you look foolish.

It's not dry.

Just relax.

Take it easy.

The sun'll dry it.

The breeze will --

no, not --

you gonna fan --

he's gonna fan --

okay, walter, okay.

If you wanna use a fan,

use a fan.

One of the great

things about the lodge,

we got so much equipment

lying around that hasn't

been found yet.

Look at this, eh?

Now, this baby was a little

heavier than what I --

also was bolted the ground.

Yeah, you go ahead, walter,

and I'll be along in a minute

we got her on the lawn mower.

Seemed like a good idea to me

now we'll just crank --

this baby's got about

700 horse, I think.

Look at her just --

whoa! Wait a minute.

Come on back.

Come on back.

No, no, up against the shed -

oh, the pepper mill.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Okay, oh, boy.

Here's two of the dwarves,

sneezy and dopey.

Oh, boy.

Oh, and it's killing

the paint job.

All right, walter you try --

why did they put the on/off

switch on the front of the fan

I mean, how do you --

I'll tell you what.

I'll try and kill

the main switch;

you work towards it, walter.

Attaboy.

Lean into it.

Lean into it.

There you go.

Lean into her there.

Is that the breaker?

No, no.

No, she's still going.

Yeah, you're almost there.

Get up to that switch.

Now, I couldn't really hear -

I thought this might be --

but I couldn't hear that

it stopped,

so I just turned it back on.

Oh, you know, okay.

That was my fault.

All right.

Okay.

Hey, walter, good news.

Good news.

The paint's dry.

Okay, time for the second coat

away you go.

Oh, hi.

Oh, yeah, welcome

to mike's teen talk.

Here's the number one lesson

you can learn in your life,

whether it's as you're

hanging out at the mall

or, perish the thought, at work.

Always look busy,

especially when

you're doing nothing.

Looking busy is the next best

thing to doing something,

only it's a heck of

a lot easier.

But looking busy

is a hard thing to learn.

I'll tell you.

You know, one of my dads

worked at the post office,

and, uh, he had this rule

that he would never stand around

looking out the window

in the morning

because then he wouldn't have

anything to do in the afternoon.

So that's what I'm saying.

Learn how to look busy.

'cause if it's

worth doing nothing,

it's worth doing nothing well.

That's it.

[ applause ]

[ thunder crashing ]

[ huffing and puffing ]

how's the weather?

I think it's

gonna rain.

Are we all gonna die?

Eventually, yeah.

Uh, any news on

your weather radios?

A miniature twister tore up

the the animal shelter,

and it was raining

cats and dogs for a while.

How are those

boards holding up?

Oh, the boards are good.

I chained all the hot water

heaters to the trees.

All of our loose junk blew onto

the neighbour's property,

so there's a bonus, actually.

You know, I didn't bother

putting the canoe away.

I'm sure it'll be all right.

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

I'm gettin'

outta here!

If my wife is watchin',

see you later.

Uh, keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, guys, you don't have to

stand up if you don't want to.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Whoa!

All right, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Oh, I said I'll change!

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