Gladiator/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

If you like to fish,

but you don't have a boat,

you end up spending your

whole life casting from shore,

and you never get your

bait out in the middle

where the big ones live.

So here's what you do.

Get yourself an

old flintlock musket.

You get it from

a museum or an old guy

or you could probably make

one out of a bicycle

or something.

Then you just ram the powder

and the wadding in there

just like they used to back

in the old days, you know,

when killing something

was a real pain in the neck.

In this case the ball of lead

you drop in is actually

a sinker,

and it's hooked onto your

fishing lure

and the whole thing is

attached to your fishing line.

Then all you have to do

is just aim it where

the fish are at,

and you're in business.

[ applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you.

All right.

Appreciate it very much.

Just got back from the

plumbing store in town.

The place was jammed

to the eyeballs.

That's because the

plumbing store is also the

community theatre

and they're having

auditions this week

for another one of

their yawn fests.

I went in there for

piece of drain pipe,

but I ran out of time,

so just gonna re-install

this old one here.

It's still good.

[ breathing heavily ]

hey, red, do you

have a sweat -- sweat --

a sweatband,

like an extra --

an extra sweatband?

If I had an sweatband

at all, dalton,

it would be an extra

one, believe me.

What are you

trying to do?

Kill yourself so you

can collect the insurance?

No, no, trying to get in

shape for the community

theatre auditions.

I'm just about exhausted

from all this jogging.

Oh, yeah?

How far have you gone?

Oh, just from

the door to here.

Uphill, yeah.

It's all uphill!

I gotta get

in shape, red.

You know, they're doing a

stage version of the

movie "gladiator."

oh, yeah, no,

I saw that one.

That's where the guy fights

everybody to the death.

That's the part I want,

the lead.

That's gonna take

a fair bit of acting?

No, no,

I'll be ready, red.

And get this.

They've already cast

the love interest.

Oh, my gosh. Wow.

Flinty mclintock's wife.

That's a pretty good

looking woman

to be hanging out with

a guy like you, huh?

Well, that's

show business.

Oh, dalton, dalton,

I gotta go.

How does

anne marie feel

about you doing the hoochie

kootchie with flinty's wife?

I'll cross that bridge

when I come to it.

Dalton, you'd better be

under that bridge when

you come to it.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ applause ]

today's winner walks

away with a coupon

for two free bunnies

from possum lake's only

adoption agency for rabbits,

hare transplants.

Okay, red, you have 30 seconds

to get dwight --

yeah, cover your ears --

to say this word.

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And go!

Okay, dwight, when you see

someone working really hard

you say, boy,

that guy sure is...

An idiot.

Okay, this is a person who

does a whole lot of things,

just go, go, go

all the time.

You can see

that guy is...

Not from my family.

All right, when a guy

retires everybody says

the most important

thing is to stay...

Sober.

Okay, think of

an expression,

"as something as a bee."

I don't know

any bees, red.

Oh, come on, dwight.

This is darned easy.

What comes to your mind

when you think of bees?

Having to move.

Now, think, dwight.

They're called worker bees.

There's gotta be

a reason for that.

Not necessarily.

It could just be

a job title

that doesn't represent

what they really do,

like service manager.

You're just about

out of time here.

All right.

Okay, dwight,

you're at the marina,

you suddenly realize you

haven't done a darned

thing all day,

you think to yourself,

boy, I better get...

An assistant.

What?

Oh, yeah, I need one.

This is our busy season.

There we go!

[ applause ]

when it smells so bad

it curls your toes

and soon it gets into your

hair and your clothes,

don't stand out front

holding your nose.

Get me out back

holding my hose.

There we go.

Man, I sure get my

share of flat tires.

Must've picked up

a nail or something.

You know, the trouble

with having a flat tire

is the time you lose having to

pull over to the side of the

road and change them.

Wouldn't it be great if you

could change your tire

without stopping or

even slowing down?

'cause sometimes on the road

you get a soft shoulder there,

and jacking up a vehicle

can be very dangerous.

So today I'm going to show

you how you can make

your very own

mobile wheel changer.

Okay, the first thing you

need are a couple of ladders.

They sell 'em now where

they have the wheels

on the one end

for climbing

walls or whatever.

Well, you wanna put wheels

on the other end as well.

I would suggest taking wheels

off an old baby carriage

because, at my age, a fully

functional baby carriage

is just a cruel reminder of

what once was, but is no more.

Okay, you got your ladder,

you got your wheels.

Now you need to take a

couple of these mini

hydraulic jacks

to attach the ladder safely

and securely to the vehicle.

Okay, as you can see I got the

ladder runnin' all the way

down the side there,

I've got the

jack at this end,

and I've extended the ladder

a fair ways out the back

where my emergency

wheels are there.

That'll keep me a

fair distance from the

disaster should that occur,

which is certainly well within

the realm of possibility.

All right,

let's give 'er a go.

[ tire blows ]

okay, here's a chance to

demonstrate our mobile

wheel changer.

That was lucky.

Step one...

Set the cruise control.

Okay, this is where you have

to be a little bit creative.

I got my jack handle here.

Work my way

down to the back.

Then instead of

jacking the car up,

I'm going to jack

the ladder down.

Whoa.

[ horn honking ]

tailgater!

Okay, this is where it

gets a little bit tricky.

I gotta get

the spare outta here

without losing my balance,

and I gotta get it

back onto the wheel

before we come to that

curve in the road.

You know,

I find today's cars

tend to be overbuilt

anyway, you know.

I'm sure

one nut is enough.

It is in my family.

And it's just that easy.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ tire blows ]

I got an idea I wanna run

by all you middle-aged

guys out there.

You know, when I was 19 the

legal drinking age was 21,

so me and my friends had to

get fake I.D. From wherever,

just so we could get

into the bars.

Now, that didn't

work real well for me.

That's because my fake I.D.

Said I was a 27-year-old

oriental woman.

Now, pretty soon I got my

56th birthday comin' up,

and nothin' special about it.

I'm lookin' back over my life.

I'd say I'm a

pretty average 56-year-old.

I mean, I look my age,

and I got about

the same faculties

as an average person.

And I know a lot of

56-year-old guys,

so I'm painfully aware

of just how depressing

those statements are.

So now my idea is I'm thinking

about using fake I.D. Again.

Now, you may look at me and

not be that impressed

that I'm 56,

but what if I could prove

to you that I was 73?

You'd think that was

pretty special,

all the energy, the not

completely addled brain,

the significant

hair retention.

I mean, I'd be the most

amazing 73-year-old

you ever saw,

other than tina turner.

And you know what?

We all win with this idea.

I feel good from

the compliments,

and you start lookin' forward

to being a senior citizen.

Remember I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in this together.

You know my personal self-help

guru anthony anthony?

He says that men don't

communicate very well

with each other, eh?

It's true.

No.

We should do

somethin' about that.

Red:

Well, he didn't mean us.

Well, sure he did, red.

Come on.

We sit in this

boat all day long,

and we barely say two

words to each other.

Red:

Well, I'm thinkin' of those

two words right now, winston.

Mike:

You know, maybe

he's right, mr. Green.

I mean, this would be a

perfect opportunity

to have interpersonal

communication.

Winston:

I'll tell you what.

Why don't each of us think

of something, you know,

about ourselves?

Something important.

Something that we

ordinarily wouldn't

share with each other.

Who wants

to go first?

Winston:

I'll go first.

Oh, boy.

With a woman.

I've never been

I hope you never

go to prison.

It's true.

In my whole life I've

never been with a woman.

And you know

somethin'?

Nobody

else knows that.

Well, the women

know it, winston.

Mike:

Oh, I got one.

Red:

Now, don't feel you have

to top him, all right?

Ah -- ah, once,

when I was in church,

I emptied the collection

plate into my pocket.

Oh, yeah?

[ chuckling ]

that was a

poor choice.

Yeah.

[ chuckling ]

well, what about

you, mr. Green?

What's your secret?

Well, this is a little

embarrassing,

but actually,

I have never changed the

oil in the possum van.

Gonna be sick.

I think I'm

come on, now.

Well, no, I mean I've changed

the filter once, you know.

Well, you started this.

Ah, I'm appalled.

Well, maybe so, but you

went way over the line.

I feel violated.

Well, I got my new

piece of drain pipe.

I got it from --

well, it doesn't

matter where I got it.

I just gotta hide

it for a few days.

That should be fine.

There we go.

[ laughter, cheering

and applause ]

hail caesar!

What the 'hail'

are you doin'?

I'm trying to get into

character for the audition.

What do you think, huh?

Do pantyhose

come in kryptonite?

Red, this is the way that

gladiators looked, all right?

We're not supposed

to be pretty boys.

We're fierce warriors!

Ahhhhhhhh!

Hey! Hey! Take it easy!

Take it easy!

That was pretty good.

I was acting.

You were acting stupid

is what you were doing.

What?

Listen, red.

I am going

to get the part.

I'm gonna live the life

of a powerful man.

'cause I've

never done that.

And I'm gonna have flinty

mclintock's wife right

by my side.

There's just one

thing missing.

A suicide note?

No, I need an agent.

I want you to be

my agent, red.

Yeah, all you have to do

is stand there with

your arms crossed

and say no

to everything.

You know, bernice might

be a better choice.

Red, I will give you

ten percent of my paycheque.

Can we make it 15?

See, you're good!

You are good.

And you are gonna

make me a star.

Easy. Easy.

Ahhhhhhh!

Careful. Careful.

Die!

Die, caesar!

[ metal clanging ]

oh! Oh!

[ chuckling ]

I had no idea.

I don't know.

Red:

So mike had asked us to meet

him behind the lodge

with an

extension ladder.

He was bringing a bicycle

with a bad brake, apparently.

And that went --

that went --

well, we couldn't quite

figure out what he

had in mind.

He said he wanted us to help

him build somethin'.

It was a sailboat.

He wanted us to help him

build a sailboat.

Well, okay, that's fine.

We couldn't figure out the

connection between the

bike and the ladders,

but with mike it's better

not to ask questions.

You end up in court as

a character witness.

So he said he had everything

to build a sailboat around

the corner,

so we brought

the stuff 'round.

And, you know, the mystery

really wasn't solved just

by seeing wha --

I just -- it was a --

something under a tarp

that did not look

sailboat-like to me.

But, yeah, we don't get it.

What is it?

So he's, okay --

off comes the tarp.

And, no that's a --

that would be a van.

I don't understand how

that could possibly be --

oh, is the stuff inside?

Oh, the stuff's --

well, the door had

rusted kinda shut.

Give 'er a good --

you build up your strength

in prison, apparently,

and you can really --

if you set your mind to it.

He's a powerful guy,

that mike.

Okay, I still wasn't sure

how this could become

a sailboat,

but mike seemed

pleased about it.

Now, putting the hat on is

maybe not enough, mike,

but then he showed us the

wheels could attach to

the steering wheel,

and walter had the bicycle

there to pull the sail in.

And my job was to attach the

extension ladder to the

rear of the van,

which is now the front

of the boat, apparently.

And then mike says,

just hoist the mizzenmast,

or whatever it is,

and up she goes.

And we got the

tarp as a sail,

and, by golly, by the time

walter wheeled her in,

hey, we were underway.

And, uh, kinda different.

What mike hadn't --

that was unfortunate.

What he hadn't realized

was that there's

a kind of a low bridge

between the lodge

and the town,

lower than,

say, the mast.

And so walter

and I bailed out,

but mike, he took the

hit for the team,

and of course the

problem now is

that mike really can't

see where he's going,

and, of course, there

is the quarry there.

His version of the

"perfect storm,"

but I think mike is

finished with sailing.

Another power boater

in the making.

This is the

portion of the show

we feature those three

little words men find

so hard to say...

Audience!

I don't know!

Okay, today's letter

reads as follows...

"dear experts, I have a

rather unusual problem.

"I'm a happily married man,

"yet I have fallen in

love with another woman."

oh, geez, read another

letter, winston.

Get somethin' on

time travel or puttin'

a barbeque together.

No, no, no, no, this is

exactly the type of letter

that we should

be answering.

It gives all of us a chance

to show our sensitivity

and compassion.

All right, all right.

Go ahead, winston.

Harold will answer it.

Okay.

"whenever I see her,

my heart beats faster,

"I get a lump in my throat,

and I break out in

a cold sweat."

okay,

could be love.

Could be malaria.

My guess is if it lasts,

it's probably malaria.

You said I could

answer this one.

All right,

I'm sorry.

All right.

Well, lemme answer it.

All right.

Lemme answer it.

All right.

Lemme answer it.

Go ahead, winston.

Oh, yes he is.

"I'm not a nut or anything."

oh, yeah,  whenever they

say they're not a nut,

he's not a nut!

They're a nut, believe me.

He's a person with a problem,

and we are going to

help him solve it.

Read on, winston.

"I'm in love with

queen elizabeth"

[ laughter ]

"should I tell my wife now

or wait until I'm king?"

signed,

"on the throne."

okay, I'm going

to need a minute.

Well, I'm not.

Don't tell your wife a thing

until you become king.

That way, if she gives

you any grief at all,

you can have her

locked up in scotland.

That's not how

you become king.

For instance, what's the name

of the husband of queen

elizabeth right now?

Prince philip.

Prince philip.

Exactly.

Not "king" philip.

See, marrying the queen

doesn't automatically

make you king.

Geez, I never noticed

that before.

See, I think this fella's

gonna have to re-think

his whole plan.

I don't think the answer is

marrying queen elizabeth.

Oh, I agree.

That'd be weird bein'

married to the queen,

havin' her face on

all your money.

[ laughter ]

instead of just havin'

her hands on your money.

[ laughter ]

oh, I'm just kiddin',

bernice.

Now, my advice

to this person is

if you want to be

married to a queen,

then you could practice by

treating the wife you

have like one now.

Audience:

A-a-a-a-ah.

You know what?

That is sound advice

for any married man.

You guys have no idea what

you're talking about.

If you come to sit

down to dinner

and there's a nine-inch

flame on your candle,

you better get your

septics pumped out,

or you'll have more on your

plate than you can handle.

Well, I just came back

from the auditions.

I'll tell you,

it's no fun bein' an agent.

I just made a couple of

very simple demands

regarding rate of pay and

dressing room beverages,

and the next thing you know

they kicked me out of

the theatre

and told me never

to come back.

And that's the only plumbing

store in the tri-county area!

[ cheering and applause ]

dalton, that was

not my fault.

Okay, those morons

don't know talent.

I tell you what,

I'm going to get you

out of community theatre

into the big money.

Advertising.

How do you feel about

wearing a chicken suit

and handing out flyers?

Listen, red.

Listen to me.

Oh, I knew you would.

I got the part.

There's just

a small problem.

Well, I'm a

problem-solver, dalton.

That's why you pay

me the 25 percent.

I thought it

was 20 percent!

He's right.

I am good.

Well, flinty

mclintock's wife cancelled.

She's not gonna

play the empress.

She's off to do

a one-woman show

for the port asbestos

seedless fruit festival.

And the producers pulled

the old switcheroo on me.

Hey, wait a minute.

They can't do that.

You won that part.

You are maximus.

You won it

fairus and squarus.

And I won't

let them "shaftus."

they didn't switch me.

They switched the

leading lady!

Yes!

What?

[ laughter and applause ]

you are rome,

and I belong to rome.

Take me.

Red, we have to play

a love scene!

It's very tasteful.

Well, we'll sure find

out if you can act.

[ possum squealing ]

yeah, you guys go ahead.

Meeting time.

I'll be down in

a minute.

Oh!

Carry me?

Away you go.

[ applause ]

so if my wife is watching,

I'll be comin' straight

home after the meeting,

and I had another

life lesson today.

I learned that it's better

to die by the sword

than to have a same sex love

scene with an ex-con.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

Winston:

Everybody sit.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red:

Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change.

If I have to,

I guess.

All right, guys, dalton's

just informed me

that he's bowing out

of the play,

so the role of maximus

is up for grabs.

Who wants it?

I get to pick!

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