Cart Blanche/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know,

when you get married

there are certain things

that your wife would

prefer you stop doing,

like starting

at other women,

scratching yourself

in church

and the big daddy

of them all,

owning a motorcycle.

To a woman a motorcycle

represents brain damage,

which she knows

you can't afford.

So here's the deal.

See, to a women,

cars are just cars.

You ask a guy what kind

of car he drives,

he'll give you the year,

make, model, horsepower

and serial number.

You ask a woman

like bernice,

she'll say,

a white one.

To most women,

car's are all the same.

So knowing that and having

an old refrigerator box

and a little

extra paint,

you can still get

your motorcycle.

[ cheers and applause ]

thanks very much.

No, no, appreciate it.

You know, it's funny how you

get feeling sorry for

yourself sometimes

and then you see

somebody else

who's really taking it

in the ear,

and it makes you

feel so much better, huh?

Like I was thinking,

you know,

we pay a lot for

gas in canada,

and then today, I'm looking

in the daily movement,

and I see

an article there

that says americans are

paying three bucks a

gallon for gas!

Wow, that's a shame!

Uncle red, uncle red!

Can I borrow

the possum van?

Well, well, well,

suddenly riding around

in the possum van

isn't such a bad way

to get around,

eh, harold?

Oh no, no,

it's still bad,

but I'm not

in a hurry so...

I was just

telling everybody

that americans are

paying three bucks

a gallon for gas.

Boy, that'd

be great, huh?

No, harold,

you don't understand

we only pay like

a buck a litre.

Yeah, and how many

litres are in a gallon?

Well, who cares?

Oh, you will

in a minute.

There's four and a half

litres in a gallon

so we're paying

around $4.50.

Harold, you don't

understand.

It doesn't matter what

it costs in gallons

if we're buying

it in litres.

Okay, okay, okay.

How much does it co-o-ost

to fill the possum van?

I don't kn-o-o-ow!

I never put more than

20 bucks worth in.

Okay, well, what does that

make the gas gauge

needle do?

Quiver a little.

Okay, but there was a time

that same amount of money

would make that

gas gauge go to full,

but yet today that

same 20 dollars

gives you a mere

five gallons.

That's the problem.

You know, harold, even if

that's right, it's not right.

I'm going to

see about this.

I'm going to look

into this, harold.

I'm going to do

something about it.

Okay, yes,

you should!

And while you're fighting

the petroleum industry

can I borrow

the possum van?

Not at these prices.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner will

receive this coupon

for a free lesson

in electrocution

from the messy-your-pants

school of pubic spanking.

Ah... Hahaha.

A free lesson in elocution

from the monsieur panee

school of public speaking.

Okay, dalton,

cover your ears.

Okay, mr. Green,

you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton humphreys

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

mike.

And go!

Okay, dalton, this is when

you jump up and down.

Uh... Never?

Okay, no.

Okay, when you were a kid

you got on a pogo stick and...

Groin injury.

Okay, okay.

Say a pretty girl in a car

comes up to you

on the street

instead of saying,

"get in,"

she might say...

Get lost?

Okay, no, no.

Okay, no.

This is a game that

kids play on the street,

something scotch.

Drinking scotch.

That's not it, no.

Oh, I know, I know.

This is something that

rabbits do all the time.

Rub it in,

why don't you, huh?

We're almost out

of time, mr. Green.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, dalton, we're

going way back here.

You and anne-marie

in high school,

let's go to the...

Clinic?

I'm talking about

the high school dance.

Oh, no, we never went

to the dances, no.

You would find us sitting

at home watching bonanza.

Anne-marie

loved hop sing --

there we go!

Oh, holy smokes!

Mike: What do you guys think

about same sex marriage?

Red: That's all

marriage is, mike,

the same sex

for 40 years.

[ laughing ]

same solo sex.

[ silence ]

you know what I mean.

There's been a lot

of debate lately about

changing the law

to allow same sex couples

to get married, eh?

Dalton: Well, you know,

I think marriage

should only be

for men and women

because you know

marriage is all about

having children.

Oh, oh,

I'm sorry, red.

I just meant that all

children should be

born in wedlock.

I'm sorry, mike!

No, I -- I --

what I mean is

that I don't think men

should marry other men.

You see, that's

just the kind

of closed-minded

attitude

that keeps our society

from growing and maturing.

Well, I think it's

for their own good.

Gay men are far too

sensitive to survive

a marriage.

Well, what if you were gay,

would that change things?

You'd have to do

something about your hair?

What about you,

mr. Green?

What do you think

about same sex marriage?

Mike, I don't like

to think about things.

It shows.

You've never thought

about the issue?

Oh yeah, sure,

for a while,

but then harold got

the girlfriend

and then I relaxed

after that.

But I know now that it's

just a religious right

battling ideals with

the liberalist left.

Bernice made me

read an article.

You know, I've often

wondered if...

Anne-marie was gay.

She wasn't before

you met her.

I know if I was gay,

I'd want to get married...

Not just live in sin.

Yeah, but you have

a high moral code,

mike.

But if my getaway driver

and I got married,

we wouldn't have to

testify against

each other.

[ applause ]

a lot of toy companies

have done real well

by taking things

from the real world

and then scaling

them down,

like cars...

Or people.

Boy, did he ever

get scaled down.

Whenever I see success,

I try to do the

exact opposite.

So I'm taking toys

and scaling them up

for the real world.

For example, I'm working

on a new way to climb

downstairs

using a coil of

1/2-inch copper tubing.

And I'm biggie-sizing

this nerf rocket

as my design for an affordable

satellite launching system.

I just need to build a

size 9000 shoe full

of concrete.

But my ultimate

project is to design

an energy

efficient vehicle

that will take 10 feet

of backwards motion

and turn it into a mile

of forward motion.

Okay, step one is to

get yourself all the parts

that you're

going to need,

like, for example,

well, you're going to need

a vehicle of some kind

and then you're

going to need --

well, I'm going to have

to take this apart

to see how it works.

Just uh --

okay, I'm going to

actually need

the greatest handyman

tool of all...

Socialized medicine.

The doctor wanted

to x-ray my hand,

so I put the toy truck in the

machine at the same time,

and I notice that there's

an elastic tube

running around

the axle.

So I had to get something

big and stretchy.

Not as easy

as it used to be.

I went with these

jumbo tire inner tubes.

You can get these

pretty cheap.

Just look for an abandoned

truck with a flat.

I added an extra

rim back here

so I'd have something

to attach the elastic to...

And 'cause it looks sharp.

Don't spare the

duct tape on this job.

You don't want to be

smacked by this baby.

It'll make that wet towel

in the boy's locker room

feel like a love tap...

Which I hope it wasn't.

Now we just back it up

10 feet or so

and then zoom

down the highway

without any

energy required.

You've heard of hybrid

gas-electrics?

This is a

hybrid gas-elastic.

Now you just put

her in neutral...

This isn't....

Gonna work.

I needed a way to let

the elastic slip off

when it gets to the end,

so I welded a bathtub

water spout on to thm

on a bit of

an angle here,

and then I attached

a shower ring

to the end

of my elastic.

Now when I back up,

it'll hold,

but when I go forward

and it's slack,

it'll just slide off.

And it's just that easy,

the farther you want

to go forward,

the farther

you go backwards.

And speaking

of marriage...

Remember, if women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

One thing my

father taught me

was the importance

of packaging.

Packaging can make

anything look attractive,

which explains

how he got mom.

Packaging is everything.

You know what else

is also everything?

Names.

Look at cars,

mustang, matrix,

infinity.

I'm not sure why they're

allowed to call a car

an infinity,

if you can see

both ends but...

Anyway, sounds good,

doesn't it, eh?

Or take soap: Doesn't

zest sound way better

than animal fat

and chemicals?

Names are everything.

If they called

bermuda shorts

exposures of pasty,

hairy legs, who'd buy them?

And bathroom tissue

sounds much classier

than its job.

So what's good enough

for the advertising agencies

is good enough for you.

Don't defend

your faults,

rename them.

You're not cheap,

you're cautious.

You aren't lazy,

you're ergonomic.

You aren't shallow,

you're living in the moment.

It's not what it is,

it's what you call it.

Master that and you'll

be rich, admired

and possibly president...

For two terms.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

When the conditions

are right

for swimming in your

backyard pool,

call your friends.

When the conditions

are right

for swimming

in your backyard,

call me.

[ crash / brakes squeal ]

boy.

Yeah.

[ applause ]

hey.

Talk about being in the

right place at the

right time.

We've got an

oil crisis going on,

and we've come up

with an alternative.

The port asbestos

golf club,

they've been losing money

since day one.

They were hoping to get

the canadian open,

but they hadn't made

all the conditions

like lockers,

running water

and more than six holes.

Well, of course,

they went under

so we went over.

Picked up nine

electric carts.

It's fun driving

an electric car

because when you come

home late at night,

nobody can hear you

pulling up the driveway.

Uncle red?

Yeah?

You know, I didn't

hear you pull up,

you know,

but sensing by

the property damage,

I knew you were around.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what, we don't

care about the price of

gas anymore, harold.

The lodge is

going electric.

How do you plan

to get anywhere

in a golf cart that has

a range of about

12 kilometres

before it needs

to be recharged?

You just don't

think the way I do,

do you, harold?

I hope not.

Okay, look,

we've got nine carts

and nine locations

that have outside

electric outlets.

We call these

locations depots.

So you just drive your cart

to the nearest depot

be it the liquor store,

be it the beer store,

be it the wine store.

Uh-huh.

Then you just plug it in

and leave it for the

next guy.

Okay, all right, so

all the lodge members

have keys to these carts?

No, no, no, just the

ones who coughed up

the 50 bucks

to help pay for the carts

and join the elite ranks

of the golf cart

blanche plan.

Harold, membership

has its privileges.

Okay, so all right,

all the other lodge members,

the ones who didn't pay,

we'll call them

the smart ones.

They don't get to use

the carts.

Well no, they don't

have a key, harold.

Here's the beauty of it.

No matter where you are

within the town limits

of possum lake,

you're never more

than a 17-mile walk

from a golf cart.

When's the last time

you walked 17 miles?

Hey hey,

I sit in the cart.

Bernice walks

to the mall, okay,

and she also has

to walk back so she

doesn't buy much.

It's a win-win.

Red: Bill and I

were going fishing.

Look at the size

of that sucker

and look at

what he's eating.

He stuck the thing

right to his face,

and bill, I'd really like

to get fishing today sometime

if you don't mind.

[ sighs ]

no, no.

No thank you, bill.

So we're on our way

and we go past one of

these wishing wells.

And you know, fishing is kind

of a luck thing anyway,

so I'm thinking,

any kind of luck I can get

is certainly worth

a quarter to me.

So I'm imagining a few fish

that I would catch

and fire that quarter

into the wishing well.

Bill pulls out a quarter

and he's imagining

world peace

and, okay, a car.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, bill, stop!

You're thinking too much.

But the quarter is

stuck to the goo,

and, of course, his

watch comes right off

and goes down the well.

So then he wants me

to try to fish it out

with the fishing rod

and try to hook it.

And I said, that's a

pretty tall order

to get that down there.

Okay, plan b, plan b,

I've got to hold

the handles.

All right, I see,

yes, okay, he's going

to at least get in

the bucket if not kick it,

and...

He grabs on to the rope

and, of course,

unfortunately the handle,

at this point,

kind of let go on me

and it just broke

right off and...

She's a long

way down there.

Oh...

Okay, so you'll

be all right.

No, he wants me

to pull him up,

and I'll give it a chance

but there's a lot of weight

and I've got no leverage.

You've got to get a

hand-over-hand combat thing

coming right up the...

Bill's in pretty good

shape for an older man.

I was pretty

impressed with this

'cause he got

up right close --

I should probably,

thinking back at it now,

I probably should have

tightened that knot up

a little more.

Okay, now plan c.

I'm going to drop

a rope down there.

Now, bill, I'm saying,

tie that rope onto

the other rope

and then I'll

pull you out.

And I was thinking,

getting some mechanical

advantage through leverage

and a little help

from the possum van.

And now, the trouble

with the possum van

is that she doesn't idle

all that smooth.

So you're either

not moving at all

or you're doing

in and around 80.

So that kind of got --

a little fast,

but he's okay.

He's okay, you know.

Kind of looks like

oktoberfest, doesn't it?

But the fishing rod starts

jumping, which means --

it's very rare to see

a fish in a well,

but I pull it up.

Not only is it a fish

but it's wearing

his watch.

So he takes the watch.

Throw the fish back in.

Throw the fish back in, bill.

Throw it in.

No, not your watch.

Bill, you threw the watch.

You're supposed to...

Oh...

That's a slice

of my day.

So he drops

the fish back in

and now what, bill?

You going back in?

Let me help you

with that.

You ever notice

how some people

just can't follow

instructions?

I am so

tired of that.

Are you tired

of that, harold?

[ mutters ]

you all right,

harold?

Yeah.

Just that last hill...

Pretty steep.

You're telling me.

I was afraid we were

going to roll back down.

Good thing I kept

my foot on the brake.

And you know, none of

this should have

happened.

The system was

working fine.

Guys just drive their

cart to a station,

plug it in for

the next guy.

I mean, it works

well on paper.

So does a puppy.

So harold and I,

we grab a cart.

We're going to

go down to the

hardware store.

No problem...

No! No problem!

He pulls onto

the highway.

We're doing like... 12.

Well, golf carts

have the right of way,

they're like

sailboats.

So we get to

the hardware store.

We plug it in,

we go inside,

pick up a couple

of things.

When we come out,

one of the other guys

had taken the cart,

which is fine.

That's not what you

said at the time.

All right, my initial

reaction may have been

a bit negative.

I never heard so many

swear words in a row...

And they

were all verbs.

Well, like I say,

there was no problem.

We just go over

to the beer store,

pick up another cart,

unplug it and

away we go.

Yeah, yeah,

mr. Wizard here

doesn't pay any

attention to the fact

that there's an electric

frying pan plugged

in there too.

Yeah, apparently

moose thompson

had cooked a little snack

before he went shopping.

It was no big deal.

It was a very dig deal!

It blew a fuse.

The cart didn't get

a chance to recharge.

No, so we didn't

have enough juice.

We only made

it halfway back.

[ whimpers ]

he made me get

out and push.

Well, harold, you were

extra weight.

If I hadn't taken

you with me

I could have made it

all the way home.

If you hadn't taken

me with you,

you'd still be at the

bottom of that hill

giving mouth to mouth

to those batteries.

Well, it doesn't

matter, harold,

I'm giving up on electric.

I'm going back to gas.

You'll pay more than

four  dollars for a

gallon of gas?

No, but I paid less that

three dollars for a

siphon hose.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time,

robin hood.

Yeah, you go ahead.

I'll be down after

I use the little john.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

I'll be driving

the possum van

and in order to maximize

my gas mileage,

I'll be coasting

as often as I can...

But then, coasting

is what I do best.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your

stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

have a seat now.

Sit down.

Sit down now.

Time to sit down.

Sit down. Sit down.

Everybody sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Okay, sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

Ah, men, I have nine

golf carts available

if anybody's interested.

No charge.

Harold: He means there's

no electrical charge.

The carts are

100 dollars each.

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