School Bus Blimp/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You notice how people drive

too fast through your

neighbourhood?

Maybe they're late for work

or out of beer,

or somebody's husband

came home early.

Whatever the reason,

it's dangerous,

and you got to find a way

to get 'em to slow down.

Here's what you do.

Get yourself a

light blue shirt,

some dark blue pants,

a captain's hat,

and a hair dryer.

And if a cop asks you,

you tell him you're not

impersonating an officer,

you're a retired

tug boat captain

trying to get

into hairdressing.

[ brakes screeching ]

thank you very much

appreciate it.

Big, big day up

at the lodge.

I'm coming home from town

with flinty mcclintok

in his school bus.

He's hoping to get

the contract for

the possum lake

public school.

Anyway, were driving along,

and all of the sudden, bang!

Transmission drops

right out of her,

rolls onto the lawn

of city hall there.

I figure, fair enough,

we'll give them

the gears for a change.

Well, it turns out the

school bus has bald tires,

no brakes, no muffler,

has 700,000 miles on her,

and flinty has no license.

So he offers me

the school bus.

For nothing!

I mean, a whole school bus.

I mean, can you

believe it?

A school bus.

A school bus!

Okay, we made it.

School bus is in

the parking lot, red.

Any trouble towing

it, or anything?

Oh, no, not with

the sewage truck.

No, it's used to

that kinda load.

Why did we bring

it here, mr. Green?

It's too big for the

garbage man to

take it away.

Come on, you guys.

All you see is a dead

school bus, right?

You gotta use

your imagination.

Well, I used to use

mine all the time.

That's how I ended

up in the slammer.

Okay, what are we

going to do with it?

Well, we'll put an

outboard motor on

the back bumper,

cover the holes in

the floor with

storm windows.

Can you say,

glass-bottom boat?

Can you say big,

yellow submarine?

It's time to play the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prizes

are provided by,

ellie's electrolysis emporium.

And the winner of today's game

will be awarded this coupon,

for a complete

bikini treatment

and a back hair

consultation.

Playing today

is mr. Ed frig.

[ applause ]

mr. Frig is a low-cal

animal control officer.

Local.

All right,

all right.

Well, okay, mr. Green,

you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Frig

to say this word.

Cover your ears.

The word is --

mike!

And go!

All right, ed,

uh, people fall in this.

Oh, quicksand.

No, no, no, no.

All you need is...

Thick gloves and

a tranquilizer gun?

Uh, okay.

This means never having

to say you're sorry...

Bumping into

a deaf guy?

No, no.

In tennis this

means nothing.

Oh, good manners.

All right,

all right.

Poets.

Poets write

about this.

A hermit named dave.

Okay, let's get back to

when you were a kid,

and you were acting kinda

goofy and your parents said,

don't worry,

it's only puppy --

worms.

All right, now, ed,

for you to be born your

parents had to make --

compromises.

Almost out of

time, mr. Green.

Romeo and juliet

were in --

oh, I got it.

A play!

Yes, I win.

I love this game.

There you go.

Yes, sir, absolutely.

That is the number one priority.

Absolutely, I got it.

Bye-bye.

Harold, I got those

sticky notes

you wanted.

Oh, thank you very much.

That's perfect.

Thank you,

thank you.

They're green!

I can't use these.

I need pink!

I can't work --

I can use these, though.

These will be fine.

You know what I'll do?

I'll use a pink highlighter,

and even though they are green,

I'll still know it's

number one priority

because it's

written in pink.

Seems simple

enough, harold.

Yeah, I have everything

prioritized by colour codes.

Now that you got stickys,

I can take that off my list.

This is great.

I'm making my

list smaller.

Get stickys,

get stickys,

get stickys --.

Ah, get stickys!

This is quite a

system you've got

going here, harold.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Problem is

I got so much on the go,

I need more room.

I need space.

I've even got stickys on

the back of my chair.

Oh, boy.

They're low priority

ones, though,

so it's okay if I don't

see them that often.

I even have stickys all

over my computer monitor.

I hate doing that.

I gotta do it.

I'm out of room.

So I'm gonna put a big

wall right in here, eh.

Stickys everywhere!

Harold, how are you going

to get any work done?

You got notes all

over everything.

Uncle red,

what am going to do?

I don't know what

I'm going to do.

All right.

All right.

Here's what you are

gonna do, okay?

You're going to abandon

this whole stupid system.

Get yourself a

calendar with a pencil

with a great

big eraser on it.

Calendar and a pencil

with a great big

eraser on it.

That's what

I'm gonna do.

Absolutely.

And that's a number

one priority now.

That's --.

Here.

Aw, thanks.

Gotta make a note that

there's a note there.

Red, do you find

me attractive?

I don't mean

physically.

Everyone finds me

physically attractive.

I mean magnetically.

Are you getting

enough sleep, hap?

Not really.

I think it goes back to

when I was in the war.

Korean.

The moo goo guy pan delta.

Bunch of us guys were

horsing around,

trying to kill

the boredom.

I put on my helmet,

not knowing there was

a live grenade inside it.

Then it went off.

That would be pretty

loud, I would think.

Caved in the whole

left side of my head.

We were miles away from

the nearest hospital,

so they took me to

the nearest restaurant,

where they had a chef put

a metal plate in my head.

A real metal plate.

It was hanging

above the stove.

I think, actually,

it was a strainer.

Yeah, I wish I had

one of those right now.

Somehow, over the years,

I think that

metal plate in my head

has become magnetized.

Hap, I don't think

that's possible.

Even in your world.

That so?

You think that's

magnetism holding

that on?

Yes, I do.

Hap, that's an

aluminum pop can.

Aluminum's

not magnetic.

It's a different

kind of magnetism.

Yeah,

I'm sure it is.

I believe it's

called gum.

Take a look.

I can't look

at it, red.

Why not?

My head only

points north.

This week on

handyman corner,

I'm going to give

you young people

a history lesson

and a life lesson;

unless you have stapled so

much jewellery to your head

that you can't hold it

high enough to see the tv.

This unit here is an old,

wringer-washer clothes

washing machine.

Technology hasn't really

changed all that much.

Still got an

agitator in there,

you put your detergent,

your water, and your clothes --.

I got a real good

feeling about this.

All right, now,

to empty the machine out,

what you would do is

take this hose and hook

it onto your laundry tub,

and then you push

this knob here.

Whoa.

Man.

All right, now,

this is where it

gets real interesting.

To squeeze the water

out of the clothes,

that's where the

wringer comes in.

You would just feed the

clothes through the wringer,

and you would get

enough water out,

you could then hang

them out on the line to dry.

The danger was that you lean in

so close to the ringer,

you might get your tie

or your nose hairs

caught in there.

So technology moved on.

Now my wife wants me to

throw this old thing out.

But if she had her way,

we also would've thrown out

those old oil drums sittin'

on the back porch.

Then where would we be

when we needed

an old oil drum?

That's where the

life lesson comes in.

Recycle.

Get creative.

Break new ground.

Use your noggin to find a

new way to use an old thing.

You married guys know

what I'm talking about.

I'm going to use the

agitator to mix up the

old cans of paint.

And the colour

doesn't really matter.

We're only painting the

fence, for crying out loud.

And you see what

I've done here?

I mounted these

shower heads

the same distance apart

as the fence boards.

See, then when I push in the

knob to drain the machine,

the paints going to spray

out these shower nozzles.

See what I've done?

I've turned a useless

old wringer-washer,

into a fence painter

that doesn't use a brush

and almost never

needs paint.

Now, here's a bonus.

If you tie a piece of rope to

the other end of the fence,

and you run it through

the ringer like that.

The whole unit

becomes self propelled.

So remember,

if the women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I want to talk

to you older guys

who at one time or

another may have said,

you know, I forgot what

I was going to say.

You may think that's

senility, but it is not.

It is very good health.

You know, you've got a

few stories you've told

a time or two over --

you know the kind

of stories I mean.

No, no, not that kind.

I mean the kind that --.

I'm talking about the kind

you would tell your wife.

You know when you --

you just get started

into the story,

and you look at your friends,

and they're looking at

their watch, eh.

And then they start checking

that their watch is working.

And they start using their watch

to check their own pulse.

You glance over to your

wife for some support,

and she's starring at you

like you're the source of

the bad smell in the fridge.

These people

aren't feeling well.

They have a disease

called boredom,

and at that moment,

you are the carrier.

You are the typhoid mary of

monotony, I'll tell you.

And I'll tell you the

most dangerous thing,

you run the risk of

boring yourself to death.

You're subconscious

knows that, see.

So what it does is

you get into one

of those stories,

it raises the draw bridge

between that story,

and your mouth.

Shuts the whole thing down,

just like the teamsters.

And if you need

some proof,

next time you blurt out,

"I forgot what I

was going to say,"

just look at the looks

of joy and relief

on the faces of

your friends and family,

and in the deep recesses

of your own mind.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

Well, forgot what I

was gonna say.

Everybody these days wants an

interlocking brick driveway.

Sets the place

off real nice.

And it doesn't

just say money,

it says interlocking money.

So here's a cheap way to have

yourself an interlocking

brick driveway.

Before you

pour your cement,

you lay down a tight gridwork of

primer cord inside the area.

I would recommend not smoking

while you're doing this.

You will be smoking long

after you are done.

And then,

you just spread it

smoothly over the grid.

You know, we have a saying

in the demolitions business,

what doesn't kill me,

makes me hard of hearing.

But that doesn't mean we

have no common sense.

Maybe we better take cover

behind this protective barrier.

[ applause ]

[ sound of fire extinguisher ]

okay, um --

well, we're getting there,

you know, uh --

actually, when we welded the

storm doors onto the floor

of the school bus,

we forgot to allow

for the flammability

of all the stuff the kids

have dropped under the seats

over the last 30 years.

There was lunch bags,

exploding pens,

portable nuclear devices.

It was a mess --

okay, mr. Green,

it's still smokin',

but the really bad smell is

starting to die down now.

You know, red, I think you're

gonna have to give this whole

boat thing a re-think.

I'm way past

the boat idea.

Now, did you guys

notice what happened,

when the floor caught

on fire in the bus?

Yeah, you mean the way the fire

department refused to come?

No, no, no.

I mean, did you

notice the whole bus

kinda rose up

a little bit.

No.

You know, it was okay for

you to smell the smoke.

I just don't think you

should have inhaled.

No, all the hot air,

all the hot gases

trapped inside

the roof.

Hot air rises, that's why

they have hot air balloons.

And, of course,

the school bus is

made out of aluminum.

She's got no engine,

no transmission,

so she's kinda light,

and up she comes.

See where I'm

going with this?

Yeah, the prison hospital.

No, no, if we can

lighten the school

bus even more,

take the wheels off,

take the bumpers off,

start a fire inside,

hey,

what do we have?

A great big

aluminum hot thing?

No, no.

No, no!

We'll have an orange

aluminum air ship.

It'll be like

the goodyear blimp,

but it will

be a school bus.

Is that good?

Well, yeah!

'cause we'll have

all those seats.

We can all ride

around in there.

We can control the

altitude by how hot

we make the fire.

You know, I'm just tryin'

to figure out, um --

what's wrong

with this idea.

Oh, yeah.

I remember now.

We'll all be killed!

No, I'll tell

you what we'll do.

We'll just float

around, maybe a few

feet above the ground,

just to be sure

we're safe.

Well, what about other

aircraft bumping into us?

That would

be inconvenient.

It's a school bus!

When we see 'em coming,

we'll just flick on

the flashing lights.

They'll have to stop.

Red:

So we're gonna play golf.

Just waitin' for mike.

Oh, boy.

Okay, we're all

set to tee up.

I got all of that.

All right.

Hey, give me five.

All right, mike.

Give 'er a go.

Give 'er a go.

He's little, but he's got

quite an unusual swing.

I think he picked

it up in prison.

All right, mike.

Give --

oh, there we go.

Okay, give 'er a go.

We don't count that.

There it goes.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, that's a sh --

no, good.

It was good.

All right.

Here's the tandem pairs.

Don't see this too often.

We were playin'

a little slow, so --

a couple of beauties!

Couple of beauties.

I think one of them

actually outdrove me.

So we pick up our gear.

Mike's gonna go in the cart.

No, this way, mike.

This way.

So we're gonna walk down to ou

drives for our second shot.

Who's away?

Who's away.

Mike goes to get his ball.

Mike that's not --

that's not --

not really in the rule --

not really --

hi, mike!

Yes, that's exactly right.

So now we got

a little thing going.

This is our approach shot

into the green.

Winston's the first one up,

and he hits

a real nice shot here.

Now he's one of those guys

hits one good shot,

and look at that, eh.

Now he's all mr. Big.

He digs out his wallet,

and he says,

"hey, guys, I got 10 bucks say

that's closest to the pin."

oh, fella back there

cuttin' the lawn.

Ten bucks, okay.

Yeah, we got it.

Big deal.

Okay.

All right, I'm in.

I'm always in.

Mike's got a pretty good

wad of cash there.

Must've been payday.

Oh!

Yeah, dalton's wallet hasn't

been opened in a while.

But good to see he's

in for the ten.

All right, who's up?

Who's up next?

I don't wanna go right now.

Someone else go.

Mike, you go.

Give 'er a go.

That was a good one.

That's a nice one.

That's a nice one.

Okay!

Winston's outta the money.

That's good.

All right, dalton.

Oh, man.

Holy smokes.

All right, dalton.

Loosen up that swing.

Let 'er rip.

Oh, hey.

Not bad.

Not bad.

Oh, boy, this is

gonna be tough.

This is gonna be tough.

All right, I gotta really

think about this one.

Oh, oh, straight up.

Skied it.

Skied it.

Look out, guys.

Look out.

Get away from

the money, dalton.

Incoming!

Incoming!

Look out!

Look out!

Oh, boy.

Oh, oh, oh.

What's he doing?

Oh, look out.

Oh.

All right!

There we go.

Okay.

[ clock ticking ]

you know, spending

quality time with

the youngster

doesn't mean you always

have to be risking lives and

destroying the environment.

Teach them some

gentle skills,

like how to build

and fly a kite.

You know what?

This kite's gonna

go a mile high.

Yeah, you'll see.

You know, I remember

watchin' my dad build kites.

That was something.

I guess that's where

I learned most of

my swear words.

That way,

dad's always with me,

instead of in a

condo in florida.

You know what?

You're gonna

remember this day

for a long,

long, long time.

You see, it's not what

you do with the child --

ah! Ah!

We don't need that.

We don't need that.

That's okay.

That's okay.

There you go.

That'll still fly.

That'll still fly.

Go on, now.

Not gonna fly

if you just stand there.

You gotta run!

You gotta run!

Go on, run!

Move, move, move!

There he goes.

What a little guy, huh?

Some day he'll have

a boy of his own,

and he'll take him

out kite flying,

and he'll remember

this day.

Go on.

You're runnin' like a girl.

Run!

[ bell ringing ]

oh,

the humanity!

We were so close.

So close.

Mind you, we're not

blaming anybody.

No, if god had meant

for man to fly,

he would never have

given us school buses.

We had 17 barbecues

hooked up to

the frame.

We had them runnin'

real good,

really pumpin' the

heat outta there.

And after the first hour,

we had lift-off.

You know, it was kinda spooky

when we cleared the trees.

Scared the heck outta

old man sedgwick,

didn't it?

Sure did.

You know, when we buzzed

over him, he thought we

were a bunch of aliens.

He yelled up,

"you f.O.!"

yeah,

that was amazing.

Nobody's been up that high in a

school bus since the '60s.

We had all the hot air

trapped inside the bus.

If we wanted to

adjust the height,

we just turned up

the old barbecues.

Boy, we could've floated

like that forever,

but, like I say,

we're not

blaming anybody.

Okay, look.

I'm sorry, okay.

I'm sorry.

It was instinct, you know.

I mean, I saw the railroad

crossing coming up --

we're in a school bus.

I just hit the brakes

and opened the door.

We dropped

like a stone.

[ possum squealing ]

meetin' time.

Yeah,

you guys go ahead.

I'll be right down.

Save me

a seat, mike.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I thought we could play

a little game tonight,

I'll show you some bruises,

and you guess how I got 'em.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com

everybody sit down.

Sit down, now.

Sit down.

Sit down, everybody.

Everyone take a seat.

Everyone get themselves --

all rise!

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right, guys,

bow your heads for

the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

First order of business.

We need a show of hands

of guys who are willing

to drive the kids to school.

Okay, well, that means you're

gonna have to stay home

and look after them all day.

Okay.

Keep 'em up.

Closed captioning provided by