Cyber Girl/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Almost had a little domestic

situation a few minutes ago.

See, I wanted to wash

one of my vehicles,

but my wife seemed to feel

that washing the dishes

was a better use of my

available time and talent.

It really wasn't

much of an argument,

because I gave in right away.

That's actually

an old trick

that every high mileage

married man knows.

But the beauty

of the solution is

thanks to this power washer

and a mesh laundry bag,

I can actually wash

the car and the dishes

at the same time.

[ cheers and applause ]

thanks very much.

Appreciate it.

Well, this weekend

it's the big possum lake

marsh gas festival.

I'll tell you the parade

and the dinner and the dance

are kind of boring,

but the fireworks

can blow the roof off --

at least they did last year.

Uncle red! Uncle red!

Uncle red!

You know what?

Guess what! Guess what!

What?!

I met a girl!

Wow! First the mars

sighting, now this.

I've asked her to accompany me

to the marsh gas blowout.

Well, what does

she look?

I mean, what's her --

how did you fool her?

I met her on

the internet.

I don't know

a lot about her,

but I know she's

very pretty,

and she's a

very fast typist.

Oh! And get this.

She just lives up

near port asbestos.

Oh, harold, she's

got the money, huh?

Harold, there's somebody

here to see you.

[ hysterical laugh ]

girl. Girl. Girl!

Can you talk to her

for a minute, please,

because I have to go

make myself look good.

We don't have that

kinda time, harold.

All right, dalton,

let her in.

[ dalton chuckling ]

man, oh, man.

C'mon in.

Good luck.

Yeah, thanks,

dalton.

Hello.

Hello, harold.

Pardon me?

You're even handsomer

than your picture.

Harold!

Okay, I'm all set.

Hello.

Hello.

Who's she?

Who's he?

Right, I know what's

happened here.

Harold, did you put

a picture of me on

your web page?

Ha! Ha -- yes.

And did you put a

picture of somebody

else on your web page?

Mmm --

yes!

I-I-I used

my niece's picture.

All right, here's

what we gotta do...

We gotta get your niece

together with harold --

the real harold,

not this harold.

And that'll solve

the problem.

What'll you and I do?

Well,

you'll go home,

and I'll pray my wife is

not surfin' the internet.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize is a coupon

for a free stray animal

and wall clock

from the possum lake

flea and tick market.

Okay, cover your

ears there, mike.

Red, you've got 30 seconds to

get mike to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, mike, this is something

that keeps you in a jail cell.

Crummy lawyers.

No, okay,

but crummy or not,

the lawyers

all passed the...

Buck.

Okay, okay,

if you know a

woman dancer,

she practises her leg

exercises with one of these.

Oh, fire pole.

Okay, no.

Okay, okay.

A person who mixes

drinks all night tends...

To get a hangover.

No, okay. Okay.

Um, this is the greatest

surprise you'll get

in a hotel room,

it has a mini...

Skirt.

Uh, almost

outta time, red.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Okay, mike, if somebody

wanted to make something

more difficult,

they raise the...

Bail.

$10,000 for a b&e.

Which I didn't do.

Only I forgot to wipe

my prints off the crowbar.

There we go!

Today on talking

animals,

local animal control

officer, ed frid,

is going to tell us

all about scorpions.

Not scorpions, red,

deadly scorpions.

Giant scorpions!

Giant, deadly,

desert, deadly scorpions.

They're big

and they're deadly

and they kill you.

Okay, ed, I think

we're gettin' that.

Uh, but scorpions aren't

native to this part of

the country, are they?

If they were,

would I live here?

All right.

Okay, good.

Um, I understand scorpions

are quite clean creatures.

Oh, good for them.

Uh, yeah, oh --

so, um, what do

scorpions eat, ed?

Each other.

And, uh, termites,

you know,

little termites.

So you drop

termites in there?

Yeah.

Well, ed, this is

a wooden box.

It's a wooden --

a wooden -- a wooden --

ahhhh! We're all

gonna die!

Harold!

You know, usually when a guy

comes up to me and says,

"you're the most creative

handyman I've ever seen,

"how do you come up

with all the great ideas?"

I give 'em my

stock answer...

Step away from the vehicle.

But this time

on handyman corner,

I'm gonna show you

how you can come up with

an endless list

of creative projects,

because when you've been

married as long as I have,

you're pretty much

out of ideas.

So I'm actually going

to convert these old bikes

into a machine that will

generate project ideas,

using only the laws

of random chance.

And if you don't believe

you can make something

by accident,

just ask harold's parents.

Now, what you wanna do is

replace the front wheels

with back wheels.

That way you can

run all four tires

from the one

set of pedals.

Sadly, this is the closest

most of us will ever get

to owning an

all-wheel-drive vehicle.

The important thing is to pick

wheels with different sized

sprockets on 'em.

That's what gives

you the random results.

It's kinda like buying

a gift for your wife.

You pay your money;

you take your chances.

Okay, once we get

the chain all on there,

our bike wheels

are ready to become

our wheels of fortune.

And to do that, we need

something thick and sticky

that everybody

has in their home...

No, not pat sajak.

Now, on the first wheel,

I put all the days of

the coming week

when I might wanna busy

myself with a project.

Bernice's mother

is in town,

so I'm goin' with all seven.

Next, I went

through the garage,

lookin' at all the different

colours of paint I had

in the half-empty paint tins,

margarine tubs and

sample bottles.

Then I wrote down the

names of all those colours

and mounted them

on my second wheel.

Okay, on this one I wrote

all the raw material

I found lying around my yard

and the yards of my

neighbours who aren't home.

Oh, by the way.

I find if you write down

two or more pieces of junk

on each strip of tape,

it really increases

the challenge level.

And finally on

the fourth wheel,

I wrote down the names of a

few things that needed doing,

fixing, improving

around the house.

I got them from a list

my wife had given me.

I couldn't get all of her

suggestions on there.

Oh, and I almost forgot.

On each hub,

I've taped a pointer.

This is how we read the

results from each wheel.

Put them all together,

and what you have

is the handyman's

random project planner.

Let's give this

baby a spin.

Okay, let's see

what we got here.

On Tuesday, I'm going to build

a yellow, shag-carpeted

birdfeeder

out of a milk crate;

and on Wednesday I'm installing

purple kevlar storm shutters

into the tool shed;

and on Thursday,

it's a turquoise spice rack

made from hockey sticks

and a garden hose.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to figure out

a way to wax my car,

using scuba flippers and a

bunch of old ketchup packets.

[ applause ]

remember, when you

make enough deposits,

it's time for a withdrawal.

She's incredible!

She's awesome!

She's fantastic!

It's like she's made for me

or something, you know?

She even knows what

I'm thinkin'.

She even finishes my --

your sentences?

Yeah!

And no one does that.

No.

Does she have a

name at all, harold?

Bonnie.

Is that short

for something?

Yeah, bonneville.

Probably conceived

in a pontiac.

Well, I asked her

to the marsh gas blowout.

You'll never believe

what she said to me.

Leave out the

swear words, harold.

She said yes!

She said yes!

She said yes!

[ applause ]

I'm going with

a girl to a dance.

I still got problems.

Would you relax?

Would you please

just settle down,

because I got problems.

I told her I'd pick

her up at 7 o'clock,

but I don't have a car

or a driver's license.

Well, that's

not a problem.

I mean, your bicycle

has a crossbar, right?

Yes, but no, c'mon,

drive us, please.

Please just drive us

to the possum dance.

Please. Please. Please.

In the possum van?

After you've said those

hurtful things to us

for so many years?

Yes.

Well, okay, harold,

but there's only

two seats.

You're gonna have

to sit on the engine.

Oh, no problem.

Ever since puberty, I feel

like I've been sitting

on the engine.

[ applause ]

red: We went out

behind the lodge there

because walter had a

little photo thing set up,

and we wanted to --

it looks like he

started at 20 bucks,

and he's down to --

so I said, how's business?

He's got no

sense of humour, you know,

so I thought,

well, all right.

So I got a loonie

out there

and okay, take our pictures.

But he says, no, these

are novelty pictures.

You gotta put costumes on.

Aw, come on.

He says, you can be

like a soldier

or a marching guy

or a football -- you know.

And then dalton

doesn't wanna.

I said, come on.

Give the guy a break.

Get in there.

Get in there.

It's gonna be a nice

costume of some kind.

So he didn't have a lot of

selection on the costumes.

I got the kind of

an airline captain thing.

But I think winston

was the real winner.

And he didn't wanna take

the picture right there.

He wanted to go over

to another field.

I guess the light was

better or something.

So we go across the street.

So what he's sayin' is,

if you can't see the camera,

the camera can't see you.

So winston was the one having

the real problem there,

so he's sort of

jumping up and --

meanwhile, bill was

hunting rabbit,

and, uh, --

thought he spotted

the mother lode.

Well, that's not funny.

Bill, bill, come on!

What are you doing?

That's not a rabbit, bill.

It's not a rabbit.

Hi, bill.

I -- it -- oh.

Bill, it's not a rabbit.

Stop shooting.

Bill, stop it.

Bill, no!

Okay, great, yeah.

No, bill, bill, bill.

It's winston.

It's winston

in a rabbit suit.

And he's not

in the best mood ever.

So then we figure, well,

let's get bill to join us

for the group photo.

We have one more costume.

We think it'd be

a perfect costume for bill.

So we get him all --

and I think he's lookin'

pretty spectacular,

don't you?

So now we're all set.

But this is takin'

so darned long

that walter says

he's losin' light.

He needs to get some kind of a

flash unit for the camera.

He's got an older camera,

so it's got the

older style of flash.

You know, they've got

the magnesium flash

powder on there.

So he puts that

into the tray.

Meanwhile, he's left us

a little too long in the sun,

and tempers are startin'

to flare a little bit.

So walter comes out

to sort that out.

And winston figures,

you know, it'd be kinda funny

to put a little more flash

powder into the tray.

So he goes back and

things are settling down.

So you know,

dalton goes back,

and dalton's figuring,

you know what would be funny?

If I put a little more flash

powder into the tray.

And then dalton

comes back to join.

Now we're all set,

but then wouldn't you know it,

bill slips off.

And bill's thinkin',

yeah, you guessed it.

The whole jar.

Okay, so then bill

gets back into the --

why don't you skip?

There you go.

And now we're all set.

Probably some of you amateur

photographers have always

wondered what it'd be like

if you used way too much

flash powder.

Well, we're going to

solve that mystery

for you right now.

[ applause ]

let rothschild's take care

of your septic system,

because your waste is

a terrible thing to mind.

Ladies and gentlemen, we

interrupt the red green show

so that I may bring you

the following important

environmental message.

Greetings campers.

Ranger gord here with another

one of my patented...

How many times have you been

out on a one-horse open sleigh

with a load of props from

your old animated cartoon

when this happens?

Ah! Gord! Gord! Gord!

Look! Gord! Gord! Gord!

Well, I don't really

have to look, litle red.

I know that we are being

pursued by a pack of

ravenous wolves.

And unless we

lighten the sleigh,

they're going to be all

over us like cougars

at closing time.

Ah! Hurry up,

ranger gord!

They're gaining on us.

Hm. I don't know.

I'm going to need

all this stuff.

Hm. I don't know

what I can spare.

Ah, gee,

I don't know.

How about these

for starters?

Those? Those were

my mom's, little red.

Listen,

boys and girls,

it's never a good idea

to make important decisions

when you're under

a lot of stress.

Luckily, I earlier made

a list of all the cargo

in order of importance,

from most to least.

[ little harold and

little red screaming ]

so remember, kids,

you don't have

to outrun a wolf.

Just drop something the wolf

will find interesting enough

to stop and smell.

Little harold: Ah, uncle red,

he's not going to eat me.

Or simply mark

as their territory.

[ wolves howling

and urinating ]

little harold:

Hey! Cut that out!

[ hearty chuckle ]

come on, harold.

We're ready to go here.

Harold: Coming!

Man, I gave up waiting

for harold there.

He's been in the

shower for seven hours.

We either need a second

bathroom or a closer tree.

So I said

the heck with it.

I went up in the possum van and

picked up bonnie on my own.

So as soon as harold's ready,

we're good to go.

Oh, boy.

[ applause ]

okay, I'm all set.

Should we go pick up bonnie?

I've already

done that, harold.

I can certainly see

what you like about her.

She's out there waiting

in the possum van right now.

What?!

Yeah.

How rude is that?

We have something we

would like to ask

you together.

All right, fine.

Oh, bonnie, sweetheart!

Can you come

in here a minute, please?

You have no idea how

to treat a lady, do you?

This is a mistake,

harold.

[ applause ]

so, uh,

how do we look?

Like a perfect

couple.

You're going to save

a fortune on mirrors,

harold.

I'm pretty excited.

Know why? Know why? Know why?

Just had your

first coffee?

No!

This is my first date.

Um, bonnie.

Uh, this is for you.

Oh, harold,

it's beautiful.

You pin it on me.

Uh, perhaps, bonnie,

you would like to

do it for yourself.

Okay,

we're good to go.

What time do you want

me to pick you guys up?

I usually am

asleep by ten.

Mr. Green.

Yeah?

Harold and I were wondering

if maybe we could drive

ourselves?

I've got my license.

Well, I dunno.

The possum van is

a pretty big rig.

Uncle red, bonnie is

a licensed commercial

truck driver.

Yeah, she drives an

18-wheeler for port

asbestos cartage.

Well, hey, great.

Hey, go for it.

I almost saw up

your skirt.

[ talking at once ]

okay?

All right,

you go have fun.

Don't do anything

I wouldn't do.

[ possum squealing ]

[ applause ]

well, if my

wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

Harold has a girlfriend.

I don't know how

serious they are,

but if they ever

get married and have kids,

it's the end of

the world as we know it.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and lover boy,

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

meeting's coming to order.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right men, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Well, men, we've all

heard the story

that there's a man for

every woman in this world

and vice versa.

And today we have proved that

beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I don't miss him either.

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