Expropriation/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show!"

and now here's a man who's a

riddle wrapped in an enigma

wearing suspenders.

Your host,

your hero,

my uncle,

red gr-e-e-e-n!

(cheers and applause)

all right. Okay.

I think you should all

switch back to water.

Okay!

Big, big week up at

the lodge this week.

I'm thinking about making a

little real estate investment,

getting myself a little

piece of property.

I'm thinking about buying that

chunk of land that fuzzy norton

has for sale down by the

mercury creek bridge.

Uncle red,

that's not land.

Oh, no,

land is dry,

and land is often

times square.

That's triangular

and --

well, it's triangular

and it's wet.

It's like a big diaper.

Smells like one too.

You got to --

now, harold, don't

get excited here.

It's a free market.

Fuzzy wants to sell,

and I want to buy.

Why? You can't

build on it.

You can't even

park on it.

Anything over 200 pounds sinks

right to the bottom.

There goes 90% of the lodge

members right there.

And so...

Well, you know,

I guess then, harold,

either I have a

plan, or I'm an idiot.

Well, good. Okay.

Because usually you have a plan,

and you're an idiot.

But this way --

easy. Easy.

Easy. Easy.

You know what the word

"expropriation" means, harold?

Did you ever hear that one?

Yes, I heard of it,

and I do know

what it means.

What does it mean?

Oh, you want to know?

Oh, okay. It means --

well, it's, like, if the

government is going to buy

your property to, like,

put up a park or something

like that -- a park or

something like that.

How about for a

highway, harold?

Oh, yeah. Right. Like, the

government is going to build

a highway that's, like,

triangular and floods and sinks.

Well, something

like that, harold.

But, hey, you and I are the

only ones in the area

that know about it.

You know what

I mean?

Yeah.

Well, I'm willing to

forget it if you are.

[ôôô]

here's a few selected clips

from this week's show,

and these are the

highlights, folks.

Oh, boy, a little

bit of everything.

Something for the

whole family here.

I'm not sure I want

to meet that family.

It's a good show.

This is priceless!

Held this evening for

ce mr. Dave knight.

For anybody who can

remember who he is,

would you please attend and

express our deepest condolences?

Okay. Lost and found...

Okay. Harold, I'm getting real

close on this real estate deal.

I've got fuzzy down to $400.

Wow! How much

was he asking?

$400.

But, you know, I tell you, the

place has been for sale so long,

he was thinking of

raising the price.

Fuzzy's not too swift, you know?

Well, he was swift

enough to sell you

a sinkhole for $400.

Oh, not just me. I've got

partners, harold.

I really couldn't come

up with the $400

all on my own,

so there's 85 of us,

and we kicked

in $5 a piece.

There's 85, and you put

$5 in to make $400?

Boy, you're not very good at

math, uncle red.

Oh, no, no, harold.

They're not very

good at math.

I'm up $25.

(applause)

ô oh, having respect

for nature ô

ô is a sport that's

always in season ô

ô like when something

is called a stink bug ô

ô there's probably a

pretty good reason ô

ô when you step

on a stink bug ô

ô it's not like a

slug or snail ô

ô that's why my

eyes are watering ô

ô and that's why my

shoes are for sale ôô

it's time to play the

possum lodge word game!

Okay, this week's grand

prize is a real special one.

Picture this:  Two weeks aboard

a luxury cruise liner,

stopping in various ports

throughout the western

caribbean,

sunshine captured forever.

And where is all of those

wonderful memories going to go?

Inside today's grand prize,

a photo album

supplied by phyllis's

photos and flowers emporium.

Okay, uncle red, you have 30

seconds to get mr. Arnie

dogan to say this word.

Plug your ears!

Excellent.

The word is talent.

Talent.

And go!

All right, arnie...

Special ability.

Contortionist.

No, arnie, being a contortionist

is not a special ability.

I guess you've never made out

on a roof in that area, red.

(chuckling)

okay, we're running

out of time.

Okay, arnie --

oh, I know.

What do you need to

make it in show business?

Breast implants?

No, no, when people

find out you're a singer,

they say you

must have...

Thick skin.

You know the

grammy awards, okay?

They give awards to people

with the most...

Jewelry.

The clock is ticking;

clock's ticking.

Okay, arnie, you're

a pretty good roofer.

When people see your work,

they say you have real...

Oh, no,

not me, red.

The emergency room

fracture unit,

they're the ones

with the talent.

There you go!

(frantic bell ringing)

this week on handyman corner,

I was gonna show you how to

make a catapult out of one

of them hideaway beds

to help get your teenagers

up in the morning.

But on the way over here,

I was passed by a red

convertible sports car,

and the woman driving it

had the top down...

On the car.

And I said, man, would I

love to have one of those --

the convertible, that is.

Oh, yeah, love the feel

of wind in my hat.

But I hate to give up the

roominess and safety of a van

to ride around in something the

size of one of them kiddie

rides at the supermarket.

So instead, this week

on handyman corner,

I'm going to turn the possum

van into a convertible.

I'm not sure exactly

how I'm going to do it,

but I'll figure out a way.

Yeah, I could --

nope.

I was going to make a

convertible out of

the possum van,

just cut the roof

off or something.

Then I thought, "wait a sec,

"what if something goes

horribly wrong, and I ruin

my favourite vehicle?"

and then I got an idea,

a brainstorm.

It just hit me.

Hey, porky lansford has a van,

and he loves convertibles,

especially if he can

get one for free.

And you know what else?

It'll be a surprise.

What I've done here is

I've got this model.

This is one of

harold's, actually,

and I'll show you what

I've got in mind.

(mumbling)

and that should work great.

Now to do the cuttin',

I would suggest that you

need something heavier

than a hacksaw,

unless you recently retired and

are looking for some way

to fill up your days.

But I would say go

with a torch on that,

and if you don't

have a torch, well...

I'd say get one!

Just get it good and hot,

and start cutting.

All right. I made all the cuts.

Oh! Probably should have used

the hacksaw on this,

but it was just a test.

It'll work a lot

better on the van.

Almost.

Almost through.

All right. Now, if you

don't want the smoke,

clean the van out first.

All right. We got ourselves

a convertible now.

Just to turn it back

into a hardtop,

we've got to cut this up

a little bit more and put

some hinges on the side here.

You can put some regular

hinges on there,

but I would recommend the

handyman's secret weapon,

duct tape.

All right. We got our

sections all in place now.

Now we need some kind of

a mechanism to raise

and lower the roof.

And for that you

need three things...

A 2 x 4, a car jack

and grade 10 physics.

What you do is you take the

2 x 4 and you lay it on

the car jack, see?

And then what you do is you get

the thing near the centre

of the fulcrum --

or the position of the force,

and then when you jack up the

car, then you'll raise the roof.

Let's give her a try.

All right. It looks

like it's gonna rain

in another couple of weeks,

so why don't we just jack

it up and raise the roof?

Oh, look at that baby go!

Yep.

(breathing heavily)

so, remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

well, get a convertible.

I wonder when the

storm's gonna hit?

I guess it blew over.

I want to talk to you

older guys who have more

miles on your odometer

than you have left

on your warranty.

Maybe some of you are thinking

that one day soon,

well, you're going to go to

sleep and not snore...

Ever again.

Now, I'm talking about shuffling

off this mortal coil and taking

the big dirt nap.

And some of you

are probably thinking,

"you know, maybe I should start

going to church again."

you know, kind of build up your

credit and pay your entrance

fee into the pearly gates,

that kind of thing.

You used to go to church

all the time.

It's not your fault that the

best golfing and fishing

time is Sunday morning.

And now you're worried that

god, being all powerful

and all knowing,

maybe he's not going to let

you back into the flock

since you strayed for

five decades or so.

But that's the great

thing about god.

He'll forgive you.

It's never too late.

It is never too late.

So no rush to go back to church.

I say, wait until you're

too old to golf or fish.

It is never too late!

Personally, I'm planning

on a deathbed thing.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Now, I got the deed

all signed over,

so that land is officially ours.

Well, uncle red,

I heard there is

no highway coming through.

I heard that you dreamed

this whole thing up.

This big scheme of yours

is supposed to be what

happens to a person

after they have 50 years of

unattended head injuries.

No, harold, don't worry

about that rumour.

Doesn't bother me a bit.

You know why?

Why?

I started it, harold!

I'm just trying to cool off

my real estate partners.

Well, it worked.

I heard they were

going to sue you.

The only reason they backed off,

though, is because they thought,

you know, the legal fees could

cut into their $5 claim.

None of that matters,

harold, okay?

I offered to give the

guys their money back,

and they accepted, okay?

So from now on,

the property,

and the profit

when I sell it,

will be all mine.

Well, how come if you can

afford to pay them all back,

why didn't you just buy the land

on your own the first time?

Because I've got to pay

for the land today.

The refunds to the

guys can be deferred.

That's high finance, harold.

That's beyond you.

Oh, yeah, I think

I got it.

You want to sit around and do

nothing and make money,

but you didn't want anybody

else hoarding in on it.

Yeah, that's pretty

much it. Yep.

Hey, where did you get

so smart about money?

I watch that

show "traders."

(cheers and applause)

I'm totally ashamed of your

greed -- I'm just saying.

Well, fine, harold.

Give me $200, and I'll cut you

in for half the profit.

No, thank you!

There's going to be no highway;

therefore, there will

be no profit.

Well, then how can that

possibly make me greedy?

You're amazing, uncle red.

You're taking selfishness to

the point where it actually

helps people.

I want to talk to you teenagers

about setting a good example.

That's what you're doing.

Oh, yeah. You're setting

an example for a very

impressionable and

vulnerable group

who want to dress

like you and act like you;

namely, adults.

Now, see, adults can't admit

they're over the hill.

They want to be young again.

Because they realize how

badly they blew it the

first time around,

they want a second chance.

They figure as long as they

dress like teenagers and

act like teenagers,

nobody'll notice that they're

old and wrinkled and out of it.

You guys started wearing the

spandex; so did adults.

Yesterday, I saw a 250-pound

jogger look like a 3-d neon map

of the former yugoslavia,

and bosnia was

infringing on serbia.

You teenagers started wearing

the platform shoes and the

polyester clothes,

now the adults are getting out

their old flower power t-shirts

and bell bottom jeans.

And at this point, the bottoms

are a lot bigger than the bells.

So before you do

or wear anything,

take a minute, and think about

how your parents are going

to look doing and wearing

the same thing.

And if nudity ever

becomes a teenage trend,

we're in for one ugly summer.

Well, this week on adventures

with bill, harold and bill --

look out.

Look out.

Look out, harold!

I guess bill was trying

to paint him!

They're out in one of those

paint ball units we got

out near the lodge.

And I don't know whether this

crosses over from a sport into

an argument or eventual war.

Anyway, they're getting their

coveralls on there.

(gunshots)

oh. Oh!

Bill, you've got the gun --

oh, man!

There's something for

you youngsters...

Don't ever fire a gun

inside your coveralls.

All right, they're going over

to the practice range there.

They had the dummies of the

men -- you know, the cutouts.

They're shooting away.

Look at them go!

Look at them go!

Oh, my gosh.

I hope there's never another

war because we won't win.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just relax.

Go see how you did.

Go check the targets.

Away you go.

How do you think this went?

Harold, you've got

them surrounded.

How did you do, bill?

Well, it's a murder/suicide.

So then they go out there and

they have these war games.

Oh, look at that.

Bill has got the telescope

looking for harold.

And -- where is he?

Oh, it's bond.

Plyobond.

Oh, how'd that go,

would you say, out of ten?

So bill is wandering around.

Strange thing happens now.

He has a little

discussion with a tree.

Oh! And bill had a complete

personality change there.

And, unfortunately and

surprisingly, it was worse.

He got very violent and started

really arming himself for a

huge armageddon --

a paint armageddon.

He got the paint spray cans

there on the -- you know

what I'm saying.

Oh, my gosh,

it's not rambo,

it's hambo.

And there he goes

chasing harold.

Oh, my gosh, harold,

run. Run.

Run like the wind.

Look at the nipples

on that thing.

There goes a little

hand grenade.

Watch out, harold! Watch out!

Oh, my gosh.

You all right?

Oh, boy, they're coming

thick and fast.

Oh, my gosh! Oh, it's the

bombing of britain.

Oh, boy. Oh he's got

the paintbrush darts.

Look out.

Look out.

Oh, my gosh, one inch

or two inch?

Harold. Harold.

No, no, harold, come back!

Come back!

He's not a bad little dancer.

Oh, oh! And then bill

banged his head,

and, unfortunately,

he's back to normal.

Yeah, peace loving bill and

coming back apologizing

to harold.

Everything okay, harold?

Yeah. No harm done, eh?

No harm; no foul.

Don't know what came over me.

Harold is very,

very forgiving.

Just rolled right off him,

right, harold?

Hey! Well, it does now.

Well, uncle red, it seems

I owe you an apology.

Yeah, you always

do, harold.

Well, you were

absolutely right.

They're building

a brand new highway.

Yep, it's gonna go from

mortonville to dinkleburg,

right up to mount walter and

straight into port asbestos;

therefore, yes, it will

be crossing your brand

new property.

Why are you

talking so weird?

You been eatin' a lot of

plums, have you, harold?

No, no, no, I'm just

saying that you were right.

I was wrong.

You right; me wrong.

What's the hunk of

wire you got there?

Wire? Oh, it's cable.

This is a stretch

of the new highway.

Pardon me?

Our new information highway.

Fibre optic cable.

Yeah, seems they're going to

string it from telephone

pole to telephone pole

all the way into

port asbestos.

So you're saying the new

highway is an information

highway, harold?

Oh, yes, for your information,

mr. Www.Greedy.Com.

Welcome to the repair shop

part of the show we call

"if it ain't broke,

you're not trying."

hap shaugnessy has brought

something from his house for

me to fix, right, hap?

This picture frame

needs repairing,

but it's not

from the house.

It's from the louvre.

Oh, yeah?

You got this hung

in your bathroom, do you?

Not the loo, red,

the louvre, in paris.

Oh, the louvre.

Oh, yes, it's like an art

gallery or museum or

something like that.

Yeah, you might

say that. Yeah!

Well, I donated this

impressionist painting

when I was living on

the west bank there.

And this week they shipped

it back because the frame

is falling apart.

What is this now?

Is this a van gogh

or a monet?

A hap?

It's a hap?

One of my

better ones.

Yeah.

You painted this,

did you, hap?

It's from the

green period.

Boy, you know, it sure seems

like one of those printed

posters.

Careful, red.

It took hundreds of hours to get

the paint to lie flat like that.

Now about the frame --

what about the frame?

Yeah, yeah, I'll fix the frame.

No, no, you can't

use duct tape.

Oh, sure.

This is priceless!

No, hap,

you're priceless!

I'll put the tape on the back.

How is that?

There you go, she's fixed.

In the art world,

we say restored.

Right.

Right.

And you know what?

It's as good as new or, as

you say in the art world,

fake!

You know something? This whole

highway expropriation project

has taught me a very

valuable lesson.

When trying to cheat your

friends, make sure you do

all of your homework?

No, harold. The lesson is life

rewards the risk takers.

Yeah, right. You're out

$400, and you own a

piece of swamp.

You know, harold,

none of that is true.

Did I miss something?

Well, you're missing so many

things, actually, harold.

You know, for starters,

the guy I bought the

property from,

fuzzy norton,

he passed away

in his sleep during

the sermon in church.

That's terrible.

It's unfortunate,

especially for him.

But in his will,

he left the $400

to the lodge,

and the lodge decided to use

that money to buy my property.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

When was this decided?

At an emergency meeting

with an open bar.

I managed to convince everybody

the value of owning a bog

when so many of us have

the old appliances and

the cars and so on.

I figure that real wet spot will

suck down a four-burner stove

in less than a minute.

It's a real win/win situation.

I think so.

Unless, of course,

you're the planet earth.

(possum call)

it's meeting time,

uncle red.

Yeah, you go

ahead, harold.

You want to come down?

Maybe you can sell more

mistakes to your friends.

Well, no, but your parents

might want to give it a try.

If my wife is watching,

didn't have quite the profit

margin we had hoped for on

the real estate deal,

so we'll have to put off the

investment into those black

velvet paintings of elvis.

But hopefully the

price won't go up.

For the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up

here at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(cheers and applause)

[captions performed by

caption resource center]

harold:  Sit down. Sit down.

Here he is. Take a seat.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati

red: Sit down.

Harold:  I've got

some announcements.

First of all, with the

information highway coming

into possum lake area,

a lot of the lodge members

have been asking questions

and concerns.

And first of all, no, you cannot

catch a computer virus.

Second, the worldwide web

is not a tool of satan

or any attempt to impose

world government on you.

Third, the internet won't

make you sterile.

It's okay.

And finally, yes --

yes, I do know there is

offensive material on

the internet,

and for $10 I will show you

how to find it. Okay?