Celebrity/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show!"

the television show that

dares to ask, "is there

anything else on t.V.?"

and now here he is,

your host by choice,

my uncle by birth,

red green!

All right, thank you.

Boy, oh, boy.

Welcome to possum lodge.

Big, big, big week up at the

lodge this week, I tell you.

The kind of thing that happens

maybe twice in a lifetime.

Harold, do you think

I should tell them,

or do you think I should sort of

build the suspense like they

do on those big cheesy

network shows?

No, no, no, you

tell them now.

Tell them now because

this is big; this is huge!

This is big and huge.

I don't think we could

sit on this much longer.

Harold, I don't think

you should sit on

anything right now.

Can I give them

a clue?

Let me give

them a clue.

Okay, I'm going

to give you a clue.

Tom hanks, tom cruise,

sandra bullock.

What are you talking

about, harold?

I'm talking about a big movie

star buying a cottage right

here at possum lake.

What are you

talking about?

Bruno's butcher shop.

What?

He's got a new

bacon slicer.

His old bacon slicer got

pregnant and moved to

port asbestos.

So bruno has replaced her with

an automated unit.

I'm determined to get the

number one side of bacon

when I go up there.

What about tom hanks and tom

cruise and sandra bullock?

Well, they might be number one

at the box office, but they'll

be number two at bruno's.

[ôôô]

here are a few scenes from

this week's show, and these

are all fresh goodies.

But none of this stuff has ever

been seen before on television.

You know, I'm guessing

there's probably a pretty

good reason for that.

Well, for once, publicity

and hype was not just

exaggeration.

Bruno's bacon slicer

is incredible.

You know what, harold?

It also shaves ham.

Yeah, we can buy shaved ham now,

which is good 'cause the ham

that bruno was selling

had hair on it.

Uncle red, nobody really cares

about a bacon slicer.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how come everybody and

their cousin is up there in

the butcher shop?

They're not there for

the bacon slicer.

That's the overflow from the

real estate agency next door.

Yeah, nobody cares about

how well you can slice

bacon or shave ham.

Really?

Yeah!

What a world!

It's been fantastic. A movie

star right up here.

You know what happened?

You know that cottage that

kevin black built up on

bluff's point?

Oh, yeah.

A hollywood star bought it.

Hollywood?

Like, hollywood?

Yeah, as in frederick's of...

Wow!

It's fantastic.

A hollywood star right

here in possum lake.

And the rumour is it's like

tom hanks or tom cruise or

sandra bullock.

Oh, harold,

come on, relax.

They're just

people, okay?

Movie stars are no different

than anybody else.

I don't know why everybody has

to treat them special.

Like, if sandra bullock comes

up to you on the street, what

would you do, harold?

Oh!

Well --

(speaking gibberish)

girl, me boy.

And she...

See? That's good.

You just

be yourself.

Ô oh, she worked at

the local library ô

ô so we had never met ô

ô but I was out walking

it started to rain ô

ô I'd rather be bored than wet ô

ô so I ducked inside

the library door ô

ô and saw her stamping

some books ô

ô my decimals all got

dewey when she gave me

that literary look ô

ô oh, I pretended I

liked reading books ô

ô as I asked her to the dance ô

ô she classified me as fiction ô

ô and then later this

moved to romance ô

ô you can't judge a

book by its cover ô

ô that librarian had

me astounded ô

ô she had both brains

and beauty ô

ô not just well-read,

but well-rounded ô

ô love is hard to read ô

ô and librarians are

often fickle ô

ô I returned her home

ten minutes late ô

ô and she had the nerve

to fine me a nickel ô

it's the possum lodge word game.

And we're playing for a very

special prize tonight.

Can you say million

dollar amethyst?

Well, now you'll be able to

spell it too with this brand new

dictionary from staples n' such.

Uncle red.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Mike hamar, today's

contestant, to say this word.

Baby.

Baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

30 seconds... Go!

All right, mike, when a woman is

pregnant, she's expecting her --

social worker.

Okay.

No.

No.

Okay.

She's a mother.

She has a --

problem.

Come on.

Okay.

Finish this song, okay?

Ô yes, sir, that's my -- ô

story.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

When a person is very young,

they talk, then they walk,

they're a --

oh, a stooly.

No.

Okay.

Think a little person,

cries in the night.

You go over to comfort them.

Bring them a bottle.

My cellmate.

Almost out of time, uncle red.

Okay.

Okay.

When you were young

you were --

shooting craps.

Yeah, yeah, and what

did you yell?

Come on, baby!

There we go.

Isn't she a beauty?

You know, there's only two

things that come into

your life once...

True love and a good

used police car.

Oh, sure she might have

700,000 miles on her,

but it's all highway

high-speed car chases,

so you've got no carbon

buildup in there.

Unfortunately, now, there are

some people who don't see the

value in owning a secondhand

car full of bullet holes.

They don't appreciate

the history, the excitement,

the odour of the backseat.

So today on

handyman corner,

I thought I'd show you how

to turn your police car

into something your family

actually doesn't mind

riding around in.

We'll start by cleaning the

inside out a little bit.

There that's got most of it.

By golly, there were a fair

number of coffee cups and

doughnut boxes in there.

You know, this is going

to be such a thrill for

the lodge members.

Not so much riding in a police

car, but being in the front

seat for a change.

Now, there is one

downside here.

The law requires these guys

got to take the siren off

there and chuck that away.

But they leave the

wiring on there.

So what you need is to get

yourself a speaker --

maybe you got one of these

in your attic or get one

at a yard sale,

or maybe go down to your local

watering hole and pork one when

the band is on their break --

and you want to attach the

speaker to the roof rack,

using the handyman secret

weapon, duct tape.

All right. Once you get

the speaker wired up,

you can really start

to have some fun.

Hey, jerk, pull over!

Get out of the vehicle.

Spread 'em!

No, not those.

All right.

Sing something irish.

But, you know,

for the big fun,

you've got to get

yourself a siren.

See what this is here?

This is one of these little

dolls, and when you squeeze

it, it cries.

You'll have to go out

and buy one of these.

If you already have one,

you ought to be ashamed

of yourself.

(baby crying)

that will whip you

through traffic.

That could be a real lifesaver

when you realize that chocolate

bar was actually a laxative.

And you know what you can do?

You can actually wedge the

doll and the microphone

under the gas pedal,

and then when you floor it, the

siren will go on automatically.

There are a few other features

you get with a cop car.

For example, in the trunk there,

you've got the gun rack.

What a great place to carry

all of your garden tools.

Then if you get some of

this police tape,

super for marking off

your picnic area.

And you can play that

great party game

where everybody lies

down and you draw

around them with chalk.

Then if you're lucky

enough to get yourself

a couple of body bags,

make great ponchos

for the kids.

And speaking of kids, this

unit is ideal for families

because with the built-in

divider there, they can't

get at you.

And see, on the inside of the

back door there, there's

no door handle.

There's no window winder,

so she's extra safe.

And you don't have to worry

about the kids doing

damage back here.

This backseat has seen five

years of felons, and they can

jump around all they want.

Oh, boy!

Now, you know what

people say to me?

What do you do about

the weird paint job?

And I always say...

Nothing.

Looks fine to me, but if you

happen to be a whiner, you can

change the design real cheap

with a roll of white

adhesive tape and black

electrical tape.

Is it a mustang?

Is it a colt?

Nope, it's a zebra.

And with all of these stripes

on here, you look more like a

convict than a cop

which lets your friends know

you're still one of them.

So, remember, if the women don't

find you handsome, they should

at least find you handy.

You know, I'm feeling hungry,

and I think it's an emergency.

(baby crying)

I want to talk to you older

fellers out there.

You know who you are.

You guys who used to make split

decisions about buying or

selling, hiring or firing.

Now it takes you ten minutes

to figure out whether to pay

by cash or credit card.

Don't worry, you're not

losing your mind!

This sudden inability to make

decisions is actually kind of

a safety mechanism,

'cause your mind doesn't want to

make commitments that your

body can't keep.

When you were 21,

and your body said,

"race you to the corner,"

you wouldn't hesitate.

Now your mind forces you to, so

you don't have to be picking

up pieces of your hamstring

on the way back.

So if you find yourself at the

hardware store well into the

second hour of deciding

whether to buy an electric

lawn mower or a gas unit,

hey, let your son

make the choice.

It's only fair. He's the one

that will be pushing it!

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if it is sandra bullock who

bought that property up there,

I'm just going to go up

and see if she needs a

personal masseuse.

Or maybe, you know, just

a guy to stare at her.

I could do that.

Harold, harold, I found out who

bought the big cottage.

You're not going to believe it.

Hold on.

Hold on.

My uncle found out who bought

the big cottage. Hold on.

Was it sandra bullock?

No, no, no, think really,

really famous.

Sharon stone?

Oh, the spice girls.

Madonna.

No, no, no.

Think not a woman.

Rue paul.

A great actor.

Tom hanks.

Tom cruise!

No, somebody I think

is a great actor.

Oh, tom arnold.

No!

Flipper.

Yosemite sam.

Stop!

I will tell you who it is.

Okay.

Werner klemperer.

Werner klemperer right

here, harold.

Wow!

It's werner klimpner.

Werner klimpner bought a

cottage right here!

I don't know.

I'll ask him.

Who is he?

Oh, harold, you know

colonel klink.

You know.

Hogan! Nobody escapes

from stalag 13.

Boy, the guys are

going to go nuts.

Werner klemperer right here.

I've got to go tell them.

This is the biggest thing

since hugh beaumont went

fishing in mercury creek.

Doing a little golf.

Well, actually, the driving

range thing for adventures

with bill today.

Beautiful, beautiful day.

Oh, oh, oh. By golly.

Should have brought my

steel-toed golf shoes.

Easy now.

With the golfer, you get out --

oh, boy, bill has

a lot of balls.

You get out in the golf range

there, and you know you enjoy

the weather and --

oh, for gosh sakes.

Still hasn't fixed the hole

in that pocket, obviously.

Can we start now, bill?

Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

For you youngsters out

there, chew your food.

All right?

Oh, no, here he goes

with his tricks.

Oh, man.

I think bill really wanted to

be a vaudeville performer with

his little magic act and

everything.

This is his first

performance, I believe.

And there's his first review.

All right. So we've gone up

to the driving range and put

the balls up there.

That looks kind of neat like

synchronized swimming, except

without the nose plugs.

Oh. Oh, easy. Easy.

How is that leather

hip working out?

There you go.

Hit a beauty.

Oh, look at that, 200 yards

if you're metric,

that's as far as whatever

200 yards is.

Okay. And then, bill -- let her

go there, bill.

Boy, oh, boy.

Like I say, it's a

beautiful day.

And I guess you're done for

the day, are you, bill?

Oh, no. No, don't worry.

It was a rental.

All right, let her go.

Nice shot.

Oh, that's a beauty.

Behind you, bill.

Oh, he's got an idea. Oh.

If he hits the other way --

okay, going to hit

it the other way,

and then it will

come back and go forward.

You might want to move

the bucket of balls.

You might want to

move that bucket.

He didn't. Oh!

Thank you very much, bill.

Beautiful day.

Beautiful day out.

Don't let it bother you.

Don't let it bother you.

You've got to relax in golf.

You've got to stay within

yourself.

Another beauty.

Nothing to this game.

Hit the tree!

Oh! By golly.

Fore!

Head.

Fore head.

I love the game, really.

Oh, now he's challenging me.

Oh, I see, accuracy.

Accuracy, not just distance.

What's so funny?

I don't get that.

Oh, well.

I can hit the tree.

Watch this.

I'll nail this puppy.

Here we go.

There we go.

Oh! Oh, I see.

I don't know what he

had in mind there.

All right. Now bill wants

me to do it again.

Oh, a different tree.

Different tree.

Yeah, sure, I can do that.

I don't get this.

Oh, oh, he's going to put

the helmet on. Oh, okay.

Well, I'll really get it then.

Oh, gosh.

John daley.

Oh, off the van.

Oh, well.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, well, bill, you can adopt.

All right, it's started!

Colonel klink has

been -- sorry,

werner klemperer has been

spotted up at his new

property there.

You see, all the guys are up

there hiding in the bushes.

Got the binoculars, the

telescopes there.

Junior singleton, he said

colonel klink looks exactly

the same as he did on

"hogan's heroes,"

except he's a lot older and

doesn't have the nazi's

uniform on.

You know, uncle red,

I don't think he wants

to be disturbed.

He's got no trespassing signs

and big high fences and

electrical alarm system

and guard dogs.

Harold, he just wants the place

to look like stalag 13,

so everybody will know

where he lives.

That's all.

You want to come

up with us?

No!

Anybody who did one t.V. Series

long before I was born

is no celebrity to me.

Well, harold, he might have

some friends that you like.

Maybe bruce willis might be

up there or clint eastwood,

maybe arnold schwarzenegger.

Or sandra bullock?

Sure! Okay.

I'm coming.

Hang on.

Okay.

I'm ready.

I'm ready.

Whoa.

Whoa.

He won't autograph all that

many pieces of paper.

Autograph! You're

so naive.

You're like the naivest

of the naive.

This is my screenplay. I'm

going to show it to him.

"harold in bikini land."

it's a romantic comedy.

Could be my big break.

Sandra bullock's too!

I want to talk to you younger

viewers who are still in your

teens and still have a chance

to save your life.

You hear a lot of kids today

saying they want to be famous.

Now, I'm not a career

counselor or anything,

but that sounds like a goal

that's dangerously vague.

There's a guy who is famous now,

even got his picture

in the guinness book

of world records

because he weighs over

a thousand pounds.

I'm guessing when he was

15 and said some day I'm

going to be famous,

he wasn't picturing himself

spread over a couch with a

chin the size of a pillow.

Actually, most people that are

famous are truly infamous.

You look down through the

famous people in history.

You've got a lot of dictators

and desk pots in there.

And even the well-known

athletes now are usually

famous for some scandal

involving steroids or

fists or lingerie.

I tell you something, fame

is not an honourable goal.

You've got to aim

a little higher.

Go for the money.

Welcome to this week's

installment of men's anonymous.

As usual, at this time, I'd like

to invite my uncle red up here

to lead us all in the men

anonymous pledge.

Uncle red.

I'm a man, but I can change

if I have to, I guess.

Okay. To start us off this week,

I have an old friend that hasn't

been at the lodge in 17 years.

Hi, everybody. My name

is ranger gord.

Wait. Ho, hey,

no last names.

Hi, everybody. My

name is ranger.

As you know, I've spent the last

18 years up at fire watchtower

13 looking out for fires.

Until, of course,

I ate the tower.

During that time, I did

something that I'm very

ashamed of,

especially during my

last few years.

You see, being up there alone

for as long as I've been,

without any visitors --

well, except, of course,

for you, red.

I do thank you for that.

It was great.

I mean, they were really,

really helpful.

But let's be honest, red.

You're not a woman.

You're not. You never were,

and that's nobody's fault.

The thing is, when I was up

there, I made a vow to be

true to my dream girl,

julie kotter.

Gabe kotter's wife from "welcome

back kotter," the hit t.V. Show.

Oh, I wanted to be her

sweat hog, I tell you.

I mean, she was my dream

girl, you know.

Anyway, one night, and I'm --

I'm not very proud of this.

One night, I had a dream

about marcia brady.

And then night after night,

it was marcia, marcia, marcia.

And then I get back here -- I

get back here and I see that

marcia brady is incredibly

famous and julie kotter is gone!

She's gone, not even

doing dinner theatre.

And naturally I blame myself

because I dreamt about marcia,

not just julie.

I can't help thinking

it's all my fault!

I ruined julie's life!

Let's show a little

bit of support, guys.

(applause)

I love you guys.

Well, possum lake is no longer

hollywood north.

Werner klemperer is gone!

Oh, god, no one escapes

from possum lake.

How was that?

I know!

I know!

I guess there's just not

enough excitement up here

for a big star, harold.

Excitement?

That's what he came up

here for is to get away

from the excitement.

You guys ruined it for him.

Oh, how did we ruin it?

By asking for his autograph.

Well, big stars are used to --

when he was in the shower.

Asking him how come he didn't

do any good work after

"hogan's heroes."

are you really a nazi

in real life?

Everybody stealing bits

of chrome off his car

for souvenirs.

Harold, we were just trying to

show him that he was one of us.

I even said that to him,

"you're one of us."

that hurt him deeply.

You could see that.

You know, you're the one who

made him angry, harold.

Me?

Yeah, asked him if he

knew sandra bullock,

or if he could get you a date

with her -- or with anyone.

(possum call)

well, it's meeting

time, uncle red.

I'm going to go and

tell the guys that

werner klemperer has

left.

All right.

Unless you want

to do it.

I know nothing!

Yeah, I know, but do you want

to tell the guys --

if my wife is watching, I'll

be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And I'm going to bring

you some sliced bacon.

But if you're looking for some

shaved ham, I'm sorry, the

beard stays.

For the rest of you, thanks

for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here at

possum lodge,

you keep your stick on the ice.

[captions performed by

caption resource center]

the vest. Okay.

Everybody sit down.

Everybody sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Okay. We've got some

announcements.

This is first announcement.

Tyler and tyler insurance

brokers want to remind

everyone that

due to the extensive fire

damage, they will not be

able to handle all of your

insurance needs until they find

a new location and somebody to

insure it.

Tyler and tyler insurance, and

their new slogan is, hey, it

can happen.