The Cult Visit/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Cult Visit

Opening Scene
{Red is leaning against the front of the Possum Van, which is parked in the grass near some trees.}

RED GREEN: Y'know, there's nothing worse than accidentally nailing an animal while you're out driving in your vehicle. Man, the grief you take from the wives and Greenpeacers. It's even worse if you got the kids on board. They're sobbing and you gotta make 'em feel better, you say "Don't worry, there's a special skunk heaven." {sniffs at the air} "And it smells like we're not in it." I tell ya, the worst part is scraping all the gunk off the front of your car. So I'm thinking, y'know, I pre-spray the barbecue before I cook dead animals. Why not do the same thing with the van? {starts spraying cooking spray on the front grille} Oh yeah. Even bugs slide right off here. I tell ya, you could T-bone a moose, and as long as you duck the antlers, you could keep right on truckin'.

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Red Green Show! Ha ha! And now, here's the man who has no qualms with using the word "qualm", your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks in holding a newspaper as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big news up at the Lodge this week. Actually, in the news! Yes sir! Possum Lodge made the front page of the Port Asbestos Daily Movement. Oh yeah, the reporter was here yesterday, y'know, kinda snooping around and snapping photos, doing interviews. It's pretty exciting stuff.

HAROLD GREEN: {stepping over to Red} Uh, actually, Uncle Red, I think you gotta learn the difference between good press and bad press. That reporter wasn't up here doing like a pleasant human interest story on us or anything.

RED GREEN: Oh no?

HAROLD GREEN: Whoa, no! He was asking Lodge members pretty tough questions, y'know, about the floating furniture out in the lake there, y'know, and all the petroleum stains in the ground. "Oh, why is that snowmobile pile smoldering like that?" See, you would know these things if you didn't lock yourself in the Possum Van.

RED GREEN: Oh, come on now.

HAROLD GREEN: You did!

RED GREEN: None of that stuff matters, Harold. As long as they spell our names right.

HAROLD GREEN: {takes the paper from Red} Did you even bother to read the article? Look at this, the town wants to demolish the Lodge!

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, that's– they do that. They put those sensational headlines in there, like, "Man Marries His Own Sister". Then you read the article and they guy's like a minister, and he married his sister to some other guy. Y'know? {points to something on the paper} See, lookit, look what they do. They try to make us look worse! See? Beside our article, they got a picture of a scrap yard there, for gosh sakes.

HAROLD GREEN: That's an aerial view of the Lodge. {Red leans in for a closer look}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
''{Harold, Red and Arnie are sitting around a card table. One of Arnie's arms is in a cast, and his middle finger is in a splint.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today, local roofer Mr. Arnie Dogan is playing for a fantastic prize of an ant farm. {laughs and holds up the ant farm, which appears to be empty} Yeah! {starts scratching himself while talking} And the best part about this ant farm is that it comes with a colony of ants! Inside. You can see them inside there. Well, you can't see them now, they must be hiding or camera-shy or something like that, y'know. {suddenly jumps and scratches himself harder} But they're all there!

''{Harold suddenly looks alarmed for a moment, then grins blankly before snapping back and setting the ant farm down. He picks up the word sign.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Arnie Dogan to say this word:

''{Arnie attempts to cover his face and ears with his good arm. Harold shows the sign to the audience.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Friend. Friend.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. {sets the sign down} Go!

RED GREEN: All right, Arnie, someone you see a lot.

ARNIE DOGAN: The ambulance driver.

RED GREEN: No, say, okay, okay, after work, you go out for a drink, you take a...

ARNIE DOGAN: Neck brace.

RED GREEN: No, no, I'm talking about the person you're with.

ARNIE DOGAN: Oh, my orthopedic surgeon.

RED GREEN: All right, this is a very special person in your life.

ARNIE DOGAN: Kidney donor?

RED GREEN: {annoyed} Never leaves your side, Arnie.

ARNIE DOGAN: My I.V. bag.

RED GREEN: Always there for you, buddy.

ARNIE DOGAN: Oh! Bedpan.

HAROLD GREEN: Almost out of time, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Arnie, can you get your mind off of doctors and hospital equipment?

ARNIE DOGAN: Hey, Red, the medical profession's the best friend I ever had! {continues talking}

RED GREEN: There we go! {starts ringing the bell}

{Harold continues to scratch himself and rubs his back against the wall}

Plot Segment 2
RED GREEN: {walking into the Lodge} Man! Bad press will kill you, I'm telling ya. Now the town council's got a court order that if we don't clean up the Lodge, they're gonna tear it down! On top of that, I got this weird cult that has shown up because they looked at the picture and they see some sacred image or something that– {waves his arms} I don't know! I mean, they're– they're nuts! They wear these striped robes and they say they're from outer space, so I sent Harold out to talk to 'em.

{Harold runs into the Lodge dressed in a striped robe.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red! Uncle Red! Y'know what? Y'know what? I talked to 'em, I talked to 'em. {Red gestures at Harold's robe} What? Oh, yeah, I know what you're thinking, but no, I didn't join their cult or anything. I'm infiltrating them! {laughs} Yeah! Yeah! I'm gaining their confidence.

RED GREEN: Well, you're losing mine, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh no, they're really cool, actually, they say their ancestors came here from the planet Gorgon in a distant galaxy.

RED GREEN: You sure it wasn't in a Ford Galaxy, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: No, I believe 'em, though, I believe 'em! Yeah, they said their mothership's coming back for them real soon, y'know, and they believe that Possum Lodge is their departure lounge.

RED GREEN: Aw, Harold, come on. These are not rational people, Harold, all right? These are weirdos. These are losers, Harold. Now, go right back out there, and you tell them that the last bus for Gorgon left about three weeks ago, and maybe they should warp themselves out to Port Asbestos and get some dilithium crystals, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you go tell them that! Y'know, they call you the Grand Master.

RED GREEN: What? Pardon me?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! Yeah, they say because you're the Lodge leader, you must be all-knowing, all-powerful, all-seeing. Y'know, they'll do your bidding, you're the Grand Master.

RED GREEN: Shouldn't you be bowing when you speak to me?

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Yeah, oh okay, yeah. {sarcastically} Sorry, Grand Master! {bows deeply toward the camera}

RED GREEN: I'll go talk to them. {starts walking for the door, looks back} Harold, either do the back-up or put some pants on, for gosh sakes! {walks out}

Red's Campfire Song
RED GREEN:
 * Oh, the tortoise and the hare had a race one day
 * To see if slow could ever be fast
 * They were neck and neck 'til the truck went by
 * Then they both ended up dead last.

Handyman Corner
{Red is standing in a driveway trying to start a lawn mower.}

RED GREEN: {winded} All right, now this may look like fun to some of you youngsters out there, but as you get older, the idea of spending a Saturday trying to pull-start a little lawnmower {picks up the lawnmower} wears a little thin. {throws the lawnmower offscreen} I think the best solution, of course, is to get yourself one of those newfangled riding mowers there, with the electric start and the eight years on her and the big wide mower bed. {walks by the Handyman Corner sign} But those babies will cost you over a thousand bucks. How does that compare with picking up a previously enjoyed full-size automobile for... {walks up to a car with "$100" written in the back window} obviously around a hundred? Okay now, this Pontiac may not be street-legal, but hey! Neither is the riding mower!

''{Red walks around to the front of the car. "AS IS 100.00" is written on the windshield.}''

RED GREEN: Now think about the features, eh? You got a roof over your head here, you got a radio, you got heat, you got air conditioning, and while you're cutting the lawn, you can even have some passengers. So long as they have a high boredom threshold. I'll tell you something: I'd rather spend a few bucks turning this baby into a riding mower than take one right off the lot. {walks over to a shed} All I have to add is some kind of rotating blade. {looks in the door for a moment} Oh, yeah. {walks inside and starts rummaging around, then comes back out holding a ceiling fan} How about a ceiling fan? And you don't have to buy one of these new, either. {sets the fan down on a workbench} Just wait 'til a tall guy has a garage sale. He'll be offloading one of these. And you'll be able to get a good deal on it, especially if he's wearing a head bandage. Now all we gotta do is customize these fan blades so they really are blades. {picks up a kitchen knife} What you wanna do is just attach some knives to the front edge of the blade, {picks up a roll of duct tape} using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {rummages through a pile of knives on the table} Boy, I think some of these knives are the kind you see on TV, where they cut the tomatoes and the tin cans? And that's great, because I have a lot of those on my lawn. {picks up the duct tape again}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is working under the car. One of the fan blades is sticking out next to him.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now you wanna attach this unit to the underside of your vehicle there. Might want to stay away from the drive shaft. No sense doing anything dangerous. {pulls himself out from under the car} And then what you gotta do is to cut the power. Now, the problem there is the fan is a 110-volt unit and the car is only a 12-volt. So what you're gonna need is a special little gizmo I've got inside here. Take a look at this. {stands up and pulls something out of the cabin} You ever seen one of these things? It's one of those power adapter things you use so you can run your CDs and your Walkmans and stuff inside your house. So what this does is it converts 110 volts into 12 volts. So, if you hook it up backwards, it's probably gonna turn 12 volts back into 110. Huh? That's the kind of thinking that makes me what I am. {stops to think for a moment}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is hooking up wires inside the car.}''

RED GREEN: And here's a nifty little wrinkle. I'm actually taking my power supply off the back of the brake light switch. So the fan doesn't get any power until the brakes are off, eh? Once you step on the brake pedal, the fan stops automatically. Talk about safety. {steps out of the car and leans against it} And now that you know that for less than 150 bucks, we have made a custom sized, climate-controlled, extra-wide, cut-riding lawn mower. Got headlights on her, even got windshield wipers. I mean, it could rain during an eclipse and we'd still get the lawn cut. And that, my friend, is how you turn a Pontiac into a Lawntiac. A Lawntiac! {chuckles haltingly, then gets into the car} All right! So remember, if the women don't find you handsome...

{Red turns the key and tries to start the car several times, cranking the engine and pumping the gas until it finally starts.}

RED GREEN: They should at least find you handy.

''{Red puts the car in gear. The fan starts spinning under the car. Red drives over a bunch of garbage, which gets knocked all over the driveway by the fan blades.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Wanna talk to you older guys who may notice the signs of aging when you go by the bathroom mirror, or maybe when your loved one says, "Boy, you've really let yourself go, haven't you?" That's when you tell yourself, "Boy, I gotta start eating right and I gotta start exercising." You know it's gonna be rough, but I guarantee you, you get on a healthy diet and a vigorous exercise program. By the end of three days, a week at the most, you'll realize that it's not worth it. But that's okay. You see, your body is your home. And if your home suits you, why renovate? So what if the foundation is settling? Or maybe the roof is sagging? Okay, the wiring blows a fuse every now and then, huh? Or maybe your pipes are clogged up, but as long as you get a good trickle, that's all you really need. You're not a broken down hovel! Why, you're a charming home with character and history. Oh, your wife may not love the creaks and groans every time the wind shifts, but as long as she can still light a fire and curl up in the warmth, she'll be fine. Yeah, yeah, she may drool over those new dream homes she sees in the magazines, but I'll bet she'll never move from that cozy little bungalow she married. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
''{Harold is still dressed in his striped robe. Red walks into the lodge wearing an open red robe over his regular clothes. He raises up his arms dramatically, then turns to Harold, puts his hands up in front of himself, extends his index and pinky fingers on both hands, raises them up over his head, then puts his hands down. Harold responds with what appear to be several dance moves, then flutters his hands next to his shoulders, ending with a short bow and pursing his lips.}''

RED GREEN: What is that, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: That was a semaphore for lighten up! You're taking this way too seriously.

RED GREEN: Oh, well, I've got a lot of responsibility here, Harold, hey. I've gotta get my people back to Gorgon, and I gotta prevent the Lodge from being demolished. But if you say I'm taking it too seriously...

HAROLD GREEN: C'mon, you're not going back to the planet Gorgon! They know that! You're just taking advantage of these people.

RED GREEN: Well, that's why I'm the Grand Master and you're just a guy in a striped bag. I told them to clear the whole area around the Lodge to use as a launching pad to the mother ship. I tell ya, they're gonna have the Lodge cleaned up and the town off my back in no time.

HAROLD GREEN: {sarcastically} Well, don't you think you are just so clever!

RED GREEN: Oh, you know, I don't think the Grand Master appreciates that tone. Wait a second! Shouldn't you be outside with the other Gorgonites pitching in, cleaning up here?

HAROLD GREEN: I'm not a Gorgonite and I'm not a slave! You know what? I quit! Ha ha ha! Yeah? I- I- I don't have to do any of that stuff because I'm an individual and I can think for myself! If that's okay with everybody, y'know...

New Member Night
{Red, Edgar and an older man with a large beard are standing in the basement in front of a group of gathered Lodge members.}

RED GREEN: Well, as you know, it's New Member Night, and Edgar Montrose has brought a fellow he wants to present as a new member. Looks like another float in a parade of wanna-bes. {steps away from the podium}

EDGAR MONTROSE: {awkwardly} Uh, thanks, Red. Men, this guy I'm presenting for your consideration is a real good guy. A friend of mine, my pal, uh, Stan... uh, Something-or-other. {Stan glances skeptically at Edgar} I was up at, uh, Stan's place doing a little dynamite work on a rusted-out old Lincoln that was taking a little too long to evaporate. Oh, by the way, if any of you ever try to launch a town car into the lake, the trunk lid on those things can fly open, exposing the gas tank, and it catches the brunt of the explosion. And what you've got is a two-ton out-of-control surface-to-air-and-back-to-the-surface incendiary device. {looks at Stan} Which brings me to how I met Stan. Stan lives in that cedar log house at the north end of the lake. ... Well, it's not so much cedar log anymore, but it's still a place! And it's easy to find because it's still smoldering. {pauses} Okay, the short version. We let Stan join the club, we help him rebuild his house, he drops the charges and I get my truck back.

RED GREEN: All those in favor? {nobody raises their hand}

EDGAR MONTROSE: Anybody who votes "Yes" can help themselves to some very nice cedar kindling.

{The men cheer and raise their hands.}

Plot Segment 4
{Red is standing in the Lodge, still dressed in his robe.}

RED GREEN: I tell ya, these cult members are a lot easier to deal with than normal people. They do anything I want! {chuckles} Good to be king.

{Harold walks into the Lodge, dressed normally.}

HAROLD GREEN: Wow! The grounds are spotless out there! Why, there's no garbage, no piles of tires. There's no old rusty water heaters! Boy, it's so tidy out there, I could barely find the front door. Look in, all the way through. So what are the Gorgonites gonna do with all those old cars and appliances and stuff anyway?

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, what I did was, I told them was that the mother ship had actually crashed here several years ago, and that those were the parts. And all they gotta do is get them back together somehow, and they get the whole unit up onto a flat-bed, tow 'er up to Port Asbestos for a safety inspection, and they're back in business.

HAROLD GREEN: So you're lying to them just to get them to do what you want.

RED GREEN: {laughs} Yep, I'm a born leader, Harold. {laughs again} Oh yeah.

The Experts
{Harold, Red and Hap are sitting around a table in the Lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Experts portion of the show. That part of the show where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say:

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha, ha! That was great! Okay! {picks up a letter} Joining my Uncle Red on the Expert portion of the show today is his best friend in the whole wide room, water taxi captain, Mr. Hap Shaughnessy! {Hap acknowledges the audience} Okay, our letter is from Maryland! Ah, excellent. All right, "Dear Experts," la la la! "My doctor has ordered me to get some exercise, but I'm not really into sports." {warbles} "Is there something simple I could start with to build up my stamina and muscle strength before I attempt a more rugged sport like hackey-sack?" {pauses} Actually, that's a very good question. Perhaps you'd like to maybe go on the same fitness program as my Uncle Red. Unless of course you're allergic to beer. {laughs}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I would... I would suggest this viewer get one of those exercise machines. Uh, what do you call them? The one with the handles and you sit on 'em.

RED GREEN: Ah, the Nautilus machine.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, no no no. The one with the wheels and the chain, y'know... the, the... uhhh... the motorcycle. You should try motorcycle jumping. They start you out easy enough by only exercising your wrists. Then you learn to develop your sense of balance. {gestures as though riding a motorcycle} And if anything goes wrong, it gives your whole body a relaxing asphalt massage. {gestures in a tumbling motion}

HAROLD GREEN: So you were a motorcycle stunt jumper, then, were you, Mr. Shaughnessy?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: You never heard of "Odyssey Shaughnessy"? I had a 1200-horsepower Norton. It had seven gears.

RED GREEN: And he's giving us all of them right now.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, I was the best. I was all set to jump over the fountain at Caesars Palace. This was long before Evel Knievel. I had the networks all lined up to cover it, but I backed out at the last few minutes, on the insistence of the girlfriend.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I'm sure she was just, y'know, afraid for you.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Ahh, more for herself, Harold. She was in the sidecar.

Plot Segment 5
''{Red and Harold walk into the Lodge, waving back out the door. They are both dressed normally.}''

RED AND HAROLD: Goodbye!

RED GREEN: {laughs} Well, that's the end of that. The old cult is on their way there into the promised land.

HAROLD GREEN: Promised la– how do you figure that Port Asbestos is the promised land?

RED GREEN: Because a guy there promised me that when they show up with the spaceship, he's gonna outlaw it.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, it's weird, but I'm gonna miss them.

RED GREEN: Oh come on, Harold, don't do that. Cults are full of followers. They have no independent thought, they go to these pointless meetings, they have meaningless chants, Harold. I mean, it's just unbelievable. You know what? They all dress the same!

{Red and Harold laugh, then make a mocking sign with their fingers against their foreheads.}

HAROLD GREEN: I didn't think, though, the Gorgonites are gonna respond well when they find out that flying saucer of theirs doesn't even fly.

RED GREEN: Well, I guess the folks at Gorgon are gonna have to send 'em down a loaner!

''{The ground begins to shake and a droning noise can be heard from outside. The Lodge becomes bathed in red light}''

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, meeting time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: That's not the Possum Squeal, Harold. {looks around confused}

HAROLD GREEN: What is it?

{Red and Harold walk to a window and look outside.}

HAROLD GREEN: Holy mackerel!

{There is the sound of a jet flying by, then the shaking stops and the lighting returns to normal.}

HAROLD GREEN: {worried} Did I just see a '53 Buick with a washer and dryer duct-taped to the sides shoot into outer space?

RED GREEN: {pauses} No, no.

HAROLD GREEN: {relieved} Oh, thank heavens!

RED GREEN: That was a '54 Buick.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: That was the Possum, though. Yeah!

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead Harold. I'll be right down.

''{Harold walks to the stairs. Red looks around nervously for a moment.}''

RED GREEN: {to the camera} Uh, if my wife is watching, um, I'll be coming home straight after the meeting, and, uh, there's a chance I could be abducted by aliens later tonight, so if you have any romantic plans, we'd better get an early start. {to the audience} And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, and Harold, and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice, now. {waves and walks to the stairs}

''{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Next to Red and Harold is a man dressed up in a bizarre sci-fi costume.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all rise.

{The men all stand up and cross their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone except Harold sits down.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, just got some good news. That weird cult is finally gone. Yeah, and they're headed back to the planet Gorgon in their '54 Buick.

{There is a loud crash from outside.}

HAROLD GREEN: ...a vehicle not known for its great gas mileage.