Barter Starter/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ horn honking ]

[ children laughing

honking continues ]

[ brakes squeaking

horn honking ]

you know, when I was a kid

playing street hockey

and a car came along,

we cleared out.

We didn't want to feel guilty

about holding up traffic.

Kids today don't feel

guilty about anything.

[ honking horn ]

I blame the

young offenders act.

But you know, there is

something you can do.

All you need is a goalie stick

and an old hockey net

and a little bit

of duct tape --

of course, that goes

without saying,

but I like to say it.

And oh, yeah, you gotta

customize the hockey

stuff a little bit.

[ children playing,

horn honking ]

[ screaming ]

[ applause ]

[ cheering and applause ]

all right. Easy, simba.

Yeah, thank you very much.

Appreciate that.

Got a bit of a problem

at the lodge this week.

Everybody's been using stuff

and not replacing it.

We're running out of junk.

You can't have a life

without junk.

I'm talking about a

certain kind of junk,

and a certain kind of life.

Hey, red, where's

all the oil drums?

Well, I locked

'em up, eh.

It's a sad case when you gotta

throw a padlock around your

trash, isn't it?

C'mon, red.

I just need one.

I wanna put all these

promotional flyers in it.

Well, just throw them in

the garbage can like

everybody else does.

You don't understand.

I'm gonna throw

'em out of an airplane.

Well, you don't need

an oil drum for that.

Just fire 'em

out the window.

Oh, no.

They'd spread too far

and then I'm gonna get calls

from the next county.

Here's what

I'm gonna do...

I'm gonna put an inner tube

around the oil drum, right,

and put a bunch

of leaflets in there.

And then I throw

the whole thing out

when we're flying

right over possum lake;

you know, where it's

safe to drop the drum.

Right, yeah.

As it falls,

the flyers will

waft on a gentle breeze

and land on the property

of all my potential

customers.

What do you

think of that?

I think sewage fumes

are bad for the human brain.

So can I

have the oil drum?

Oh, sure you can.

I just need a

security deposit.

Okay, tell you what,

you can use the septic truck

for the weekend.

Oh, I don't

think so, no.

I'll throw in the hard

hat and the waders,

but not the bow tie.

I don't

think so, no.

You know, you're standing in

the way of the entrepreneurial

spirit of this country!

That stinks.

Oh, man.

Your attitude sucks!

Well, your truck

does both of those.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

today -- playing today is our

local funeral director,

mr brian jacobs.

[ whistling and applause ]

brian's going

to be playing for

a really big piece

of delicious salt cod,

which can also be a

beautiful scented

wall hanging,

or a water-resistant

roof patch.

Uh, cover your ears,

mr jacobs.

Mr green, you've got 30

seconds to get mr jacobs to

say this word...

Yeah,

all right, mike.

And go!

All right, brian, this is a

word you hear a lot in

the funeral business.

Stiff.

No, no.

Creepy?

Um, okay, the people

that you work on,

what kind of condition

are they in?

Not good.

Yeah, I know.

I'm lookin' for

one word, brian.

Lethargic.

Lethargic?

They're diseased,

aren't they?

Oh, they have to be, red.

It's the law.

Uh, we're almost

outta time, mr green.

Yeah, okay,

remember last week,

there was a guy who

passed away unexpectedly?

He had a

something accident.

Ceiling fan.

It hit him at a

high speed.

We got him,

he was 5'11".

But we managed to piece him

together to 6'4" again.

No, okay, so that

was a ... Accident.

Oh, that was no accident.

Oh, nobody walks

into a ceiling fan.

His ex-girlfriend

set him up.

She snuck in and laid

down a thicker rug.

You know, that's

a good lesson.

Never let your

fans get too close.

She was a murderer.

A regular femme fatale.

There we go!

[ cheering and applause ]

you know, once in a while

somebody sends an

idea into us

that's so ridiculous you'd

think we thought of it

ourselves.

Today's handyman project

comes from a guy in

lakeside, oregon,

named david savage.

I think we should all be

glad that david decided to

use his mind for good

rather than evil.

In fact, david even included

a set of detailed

instructions.

Thanks a lot, dave.

I'm sure you've all seen

those glass elevators

they have on the

outside of hotels

and tourist attractions

and nudist camps.

Well, today I'm gonna show

you how you can put a

glass elevator

on the outside

of your own home.

[ laughter ]

get yourself a phone booth.

You back your pick-up truck

at the right speed and

the right angle

to one of these babies,

it'll just jump

right in there.

I suppose you could buy

one from the phone company,

but they're pretty pricey,

so you might want

to reverse the charges.

So basically, this here

is my glass elevator.

Now all I gotta do is attach

the ballast mechanism.

I've mounted a couple

of valves on here.

Just gonna attach my

garden hose to one of 'em.

This is my

intake valve, see?

When I open that up,

the water goes through

comes up another hose,

which comes all around here,

all the way over here,

and fills up this

hot water tank.

The more water goes in,

the heavier she gets.

It's a 50-gallon tank,

water weighs ten

pounds a gallon,

so when she's full,

she weighs...

Moose thompson.

Oh, here's another tip,

you wanna drill a hole in

the top of the tank

to let the air come out.

I would say go with

an electric drill with a

half-inch chuck on there

and a 3/8 metal bit.

Or whatever.

Okay, I'm also gonna

need another hose

to let the water

come out.

See, this one

comes out here, eh.

Comes all the way over here

and hooks up here.

This is my exhaust hose,

which I control with

the exhaust valve

from the comfort and

safety of my elevator.

So all I have to do is

open up this valve,

that empties the water tank,

runs down this hose, which

is hooked up to my water

sprinkler.

So every time

I use the elevator,

I'm watering my lawn.

Now, of course,

my final step

is to connect my elevator

to my ballast.

So what I've done here is

I've run a heavy rope

up here from the water heater,

across a couple of pulleys,

and of course,

I've emptied the tank,

so all I've gotta do is lift

her up as high as she'll go,

and tie off the other

end to my elevator.

Okay, we're all set to go.

I think we should have

a dry run without me in it,

so does my

insurance company.

All I have to do is

open the intake valve,

and let the water go

into the tank.

[ sound of water

filling tank ]

[ pulley squeaking ]

now I just shut her off.

[ pulley squeaking ]

[ applause ]

okay, now to send

her back down,

I just open up

the exhaust valve

drain the water

out of the tank.

[ water spraying,

pulleys squeaking ]

and it's just that easy.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

And now if you'll

excuse me,

I have nowhere to go but up.

[ applause ]

[ crash ]

[ dialing ]

hello, 9-1-1?

[ cheering and applause ]

I've noticed with

us middle-aged guys,

that as our normal

faculties decrease,

we pick up superpowers

to compensate.

Now, I'm not talking about

mega-strength, x-ray vision

or rubber body parts;

although, we do get better

at stretching things.

No, our superpowers are a

lot more subtle than that.

First of all,

we have invisible guy,

the ability to disappear just

before the work starts,

or right after supper

or whenever a relative

pulls into the driveway.

Then we have snooze-man,

the guy who has the

powers of concentration,

where he can fall

asleep on the couch,

even though his kids are

having a food fight

in the next room.

But the most powerful weapon

we wield is something I call

super-innocent face.

This is a look that

says you had nothing to do

with whatever went wrong.

Now, don't confuse

that with idiot face.

Idiot face is

a look that says

you have no idea what

your wife is talking about.

That's not a superpower,

that's a natural phenomenon.

Now, here's

the deal, though.

The super-innocent

face, okay,

that's going to fool even

the smartest accuser,

but it only works

for five seconds.

And during that five seconds

you've got to come up with

some kind of dandy excuse.

If you don't, you turn

into a super anti-hero,

who finds his dinner in the

fridge and sleeps alone

on the porch,

a guy we call

cold butt boy.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ cheering and applause ]

well, I've been pretty

stingy with the stuff

around the lodge.

Now everybody hates me,

a whole lot of

grumbling going on.

It's not easy being the dad;

it must be even

worse being the mom.

Red! Red!

We've got it

all figured out.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Where do you think you're

going with that oil drum?

Don't worry about it.

Take it easy.

You'll get your

security deposit.

Tell him, dalton.

Okay, sure.

Now, winston's going to

drop the flyers out of

this oil drum

from a plane, right?

And in return he's agreed

to allow me the once

in a lifetime

thrill of driving around

in the septic truck for

the weekend!

I can go anywhere

I want.

Well, you'll be

by yourself, dalton.

I know!

Winston, maybe you

can tell me

how dalton driving

pole position at

the windy 500

equates to me getting

a security deposit.

Well, dalton's agreed

to let you have anything

from the everything store,

any item you want.

Just for the weekend.

All right, I'll have that

grandfather clock you have

sitting in your front window.

Oh, come on!

Relax, dalton.

It's just for

the weekend.

Then I return

the oil drum;

you'll return

the septic truck;

and red here returns

the grandfather clock.

There's the keys

to the septic truck.

Yep.

Tank full?

But it'll need

some gas.

[ laughter ]

could you grab the

stern line there, dwight?

Pretty busy here, red.

Oh, man.

I see you got yourself

a new boat there, red.

Yeah, got her

second hand.

She's in pretty

good shape.

That's quite

the name, though.

Suits you.

Well, that's why

I came in here.

You gotta get that off

of there for me, dwight.

Oh, sure thing,

red.

You leave it with me.

I'll have it done

after lunch.

Great!

All right.

See you after

lunch then.

After lunch

on Tuesday.

What?

I'm up to my

eyeballs here, red.

Why don't you stand up?

Your eyeballs would be higher.

See you Tuesday.

Oh, man.

Well, dwight, still

hard at it I see.

Boat's all done, red.

That'll be

100 bucks, cash.

I'll need a receipt.

Never mind.

I'll just add it

to your account.

That's what I figured.

What's the cardboard

on there for, dwight?

Oh, just covering up the

adhesive residue for

a couple of days

'til it all dries up.

The cardboard

will just fall off.

Don't worry about

bringing it back.

You got the letters of

there for sure, huh, dwight?

Oh, yeah.

Pretty much.

Well, as long as it doesn't

say thelma's tinkerbell,

I'm a happy guy.

[ applause ]

red: Walter and

I are bringing  a heavy load

back from the  hardware store

sent him ahead to open

the door to the lodge there.

But unfortunately I didn't

realise that we had

locked that,

and walter didn't

have a key.

I wish he'd mentioned this

before I picked the box up.

All right, here's the keys.

Nice catch.

All right, so --

what now?

Yeah, the key --

you missed --

all right.

So we go and look in there.

Probably over on

the lawn somewhere.

[ lawn mower starting ]

whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, he's gonna cut

the grass and find them.

[ sound of metal

hitting blades ]

oh, there they are.

Uh, very helpful.

So now we're looking in

the longer grass.

Walter's got an

even better idea.

One of those big magnets.

I guess the idea is that

we turn the juice up,

and the keys will just jump

right up out of the lawn.

[ magnetic buzzing ]

yeah, okay.

If it works,

I'm all for it.

Nothing so far.

What do you want?

Turn her up a bit?

All right.

[ stronger magnetic buzzing ]

this looks better.

Whoa!

It's got some power

to it, doesn't it?

Oh, look at this.

Look at that.

[ red chuckling ]

just having a little fun.

Yeah, up to high.

Snap her in there.

What I didn't realise,

there's so many metal

things around the lodge.

Oh, boy, that thing's

got some juice to it.

Uh-oh!

Incoming!

There we go.

But still no --

still no keys on her there.

So we're no further ahead.

The lodge is cleaner.

Why don't I give her

just a little bit more?

There we go.

There we go.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my golly.

Oh, wait a second!

Hey, that's good

enough for me!

Grab the box, walter.

[ applause ]

men, a day of

reckoning is coming,

a day when you're going to

have to give in to your

wife, your neighbours

and the local bi-laws.

You're gonna have

to clean up all that

junk in your backyard.

Don't worry.

I'm here for you.

Let me show you what I did.

What you really need is

a way to clean up your yard

without having to throw

any of your junk away.

Well, have you ever seen

those miniature villages?

You know those places

where they have famous sites

from all over the world,

but smaller than life size?

You can do that too.

The eiffel tv tower.

[ laughter ]

the leaning tires of pisa.

[ laughter ]

san francisco's

broken gate bridge.

Toronto skydump,

complete with

retractable roof.

Oh, look, it's a

willie nelson concert.

And while in egypt,

why not pause and wonder

at the ancient

riddle of the sinks.

Finally, top off your

journey with a visit to

the ancient pyramids

of cash your empties.

[ applause ]

well, she told you

to stop for gas.

At least 30 times.

Yeah, and you

would've too.

If she hadn't

used that

voice.

Yeah, the voice that turns you

into the stubborn petulant

nine-year-old

who won't stop for gas

until the needle's on

the other side of "e"

and you're on the other

side of a 12-lane highway!

Now, technically,

you're in the wrong.

Yes, but emotionally,

spiritually,

psychologically, by all

the rules of manhood,

you're 100% right!

Now, you could

try sprinting across

those 12 lanes of death

to get to

the gas station.

Yeah, but are you gonna feel

any better as a mac truck

hood ornament?

No, so here's

what you do.

You open the hood.

It's the international

men's symbol for

"I screwed up."

right.

Then you just stand

there and look sort

of sheepish.

Yeah, sooner or later,

a husband who knows

the code will stop.

And he's got an

extra can of gas

because his wife has

made it clear that

once was enough.

So when you're

gassed up,

get back in the car and

apologize to your wife.

Yeah, I know,

it's gonna hurt,

but you can do it

'cause you know

you're right!

Not technically right.

No, no, no.

But in every way that

all men will understand.

Yeah, then when you get a

chance, get some extra gas,

put it in the

trunk of your car.

Yeah, that way you

can help out another guy.

Yeah, there are millions

out there just like you.

That's what friends are for.

Don't thank us.

[ applause ]

boy, this grandfather clock

is a beauty, isn't it?

It's been for sale in

dalton's store for as

long as I can remember.

I've always liked it.

Mind you, winston's bringing

back the oil drum,

which I like too.

When that gets here,

I'll give him back the clock,

or if he doesn't bring it

back, I get to keep the clock.

So I got a lot of

mixed emotions going

on here, I tell you.

( sighing )

now, that is

a man's truck.

Just me, the road

and 10,000 gallons

of sewage.

Dalton, you know the big

valve is leaking on the

back of that unit, eh?

Yeah, no, tailgaters.

( laughing )

[ applause ]

say, did winston

make his fly-by?

You know,

today is the day?

Well, that may

be him right there.

Oh, geez.

Hey, let's

wave at him, huh!

You might wanna wash

that hand first, dalton.

Oh, he's trying to push

the oil drum out of

the back door.

Yeah.

He's having a

little trouble there.

It's the inner tube.

It makes it too wide.

He's having trouble

getting it through the --

push, winston!

Push!

Push!

Push! Push!

Push! Push! Push!

There it goes!

Push! Push!

Oh, look,

it's a buoy.

Perfect,

right over the lake.

Way to go, winston!

[ airplane zooming by ]

yeah.

Hey, dalton?

You think the wind is maybe

blowing that oil drum off

course a little bit?

Where'd it go?

[ applause ]

well, uh, I got

my drum back,

so you can

have the clock.

[ possum squealing ]

yeah.

Meeting time.

You go ahead, dalton.

I'll be right down.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting,

and I learned a

life lesson today...

If you want

the grandfather clock,

um, filling a drum with sewage

flyers and throwing them

out of a plane

is not a good way to get it.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and the

whole gang up here at

possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

sit down, everybody.

Sit down.

Sit down. Sit down.

You gotta sit down.

Sit down, everybody.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Okay, guys, I understand

dalton has something he

would like to sell.

Dalton.

Yeah, okay, I'm open

to offers on this one.

It's a bunch of kindling.

It's walnut with a little

bit of inlaid mahogany.

And it's old,

so it'll burn real well,

and it keeps excellent time.

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