No Retreat/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

This here is a two-man saw,

and I'm only one man.

See the problem?

And I'm the kinda guy who'd

rather figure out a way

to do this by myself

than to ask somebody for help

and then owe them a favour

where I've gotta

lend 'em a tool

or find a blind date

for their sister.

So I've come up with

the red green

one-man two-man saw.

First of all,

on the one handle,

you wanna hook

a couple of bungee cords,

and then attach them

to something fixed,

not your cat.

Then on the other handle,

throw a hunk of

chain on there.

Now, you need a way to hook

this chain onto one of

your wheel nuts

so that it won't slip off.

See, no problem

for the creative handyman.

And that's pretty much

all there is to it.

Hey, if you have one of those

non-slip deferentials,

give me a call

before you try this.

I really enjoy a good laugh.

And like so many good

things in life,

it's better if you start slow

and then speed up later.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Yeah, appreciate that.

Big schamozzle up

at the lode this week.

Harold brought a bunch of

executive pencil necks

up from that company

he works for in the city.

They've been stayin'

at the lodge all week.

They're like accountants,

but without all

the personality.

Excuse me, uncle red.

I have to talk to you.

I gotta talk to you.

Did the masseuse drop

the cappuccino maker

in to the spa?

No, no, I just wondered.

What is that smell coming from

stinky peterson's cabin?

Stinky peterson.

Well, isn't that dangerous

or toxic or something?

Well, we monitor it

pretty closely, harold.

That's why we have the

canaries hanging by

the door there.

Plus, you know,

when he's not there,

the smell is gone.

Okay, okay, so it's

not the cabin itself?

No. No.

I think the aroma's

like a living organism

that is using

stinky as a host.

Pbs should get

him on nova.

A lot of my guys

are rather concerned.

Well, of course

they are, harold,

because they are

yuppie whiners.

N-no!

Don't even --

that's not fair.

You know we don't even

wanna be here either.

It's just that this is the only

resort that wasn't booked,

and, you know, I thought

you'd appreciate the money.

I don't mind

the money.

I just don't want to have

to do anything for it.

Excellent.

That's perfect.

That's exactly what my boss

was hoping you would say.

Uncle red, on behalf of

multi-corp international inc.,

I am authorized to extend

to you a very generous

cash offer

for possum lodge, all its

properties and buildings

excluding

vehicles and boats.

What?!

Yeah, they wanna turn this

whole place into, like,

a world class retreat,

you know, for their

corporate executives.

It's great.

It'll leave you

enough money to retire on.

Yeah, well,

what'll I do?

Nothin',

just like now.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

and today's great prize

is a brand new house...

Roof shingle.

And playing for

today's great prize

is the lucky contestant,

mr. Winston rothschild

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Mr. Green, you have 30 sec --

cover your ears.

You have 30 seconds to

get mr. Rothschild to

say this word...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

And go!

All right, winston,

this is a really bad thing.

Leaky hip waders?

No, no, no.

Okay.

Okay, when there's a flood,

what do you call that?

A chance to sell my boat.

Say the lodge burns down,

and I lose everything,

what would that be for me?

A fresh start.

No, no, no.

Okay, what do

you think of

when you think of hurricanes,

earthquakes, tornadoes?

Resort holiday!

No, I'm talkin' about

people hurt badly,

thrown out on the street.

Middle-aged guys

trying to roller blade.

The titanic hit

that iceberg, right?

They said that was the worst

something of all time.

Driving?

Almost outta time,

mr. Green.

Winston, you remember you

dated that aromatherapist?

Oh, disaster.

[ applause ]

this is the repair shop

part of the show we call

if it ain't broke,

you're not tryin'.

Joinin' us today is local

explosives enthusiast,

edgar k. B. Montrose.

What you got

for us, edgar?

Yeah, it is a

beautiful day,

but that's not

why I'm here.

I need you to fix my

explosives locator.

Oh, this thing finds

explosives, edgar?

Well, it will

after you fix it.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah.

It's a safety tool.

It helps me find explosives that

I might have left lying around,

or maybe just fell out of my

pocket when I was running away.

Well, it can't be good to be

losin' explosives, edgar.

Oh, that's for sure,

but I always lose 'em.

The bunch of us were having

a campfire cookout

the other night,

and, you know,

in the dark,

sticks of dynamite

look a lot like kindling.

That must've been

quite a campfire.

Oh, the dynamite got

it goin' pretty fast.

But it blew all our

weenies out into the lake.

I don't know much about

electronics, edgar.

Well, it's probably

just an adjustment.

You see, when you

push this button here,

this unit sends out a

weak electrical signal

uh-huh.

That the explosive

reacts to.

Then the machine

can sense that

and find it for you.

Well, there's a thing here,

it's at one and a half,

and the dial goes

all the way to ten.

How high do you

want me to set that?

Eleven.

All right.

Okay, there you go.

You wanna give 'er a try?

Well, let me just aim

her down toward

the boathouse.

I think I might've

dropped a few charges

when I fell

off the roof.

But this'll help

me find 'em.

All right.

Okay, here goes

nothin'.

I found 'em.

Thanks, red.

[ applause ]

you know, I've been

hauling this garbage can

in and out of the driveway

every week for

the last 30 years.

And I've always

had to do it myself

because cruel fate has

denied us the blessing

of having a teenager

around the house.

I'm thinking to myself,

you know, there has

to be a better way,

a way of replacing wasted energy

with innovation and engineering.

And then it came to me.

How about a mechanical hoist

coming off the possum van

that would do the work for me?

If those scientist guys

can make a canadarm,

why can't I make a

garbage canadarm?

Here's what I

figure you need...

Some p.V.C. Pipe,

couple of 45-degree elbows,

heavy duty fishing rod,

couple of desk lamps,

couple of coat hooks,

and a trumpet.

Okay, so first thing you wanna

do is cut the p.V.C. Pipe

so you get an arm coming off

the middle of the roof

of the van,

swinging out over the side.

And then you glue the whole

schamozzle together

with this special

p.V.C. Cement.

♪ eight miles high -- ♪

you really wanna have

proper ventilation

when you're working with

the plastic cement.

I could've lost a few brain

cells there, I tell you.

What year is this?

Oh, well.

Anyway, we got the arm part.

Now we need to add the

engineering to it.

So what you wanna

do first of all is

duct tape the coat hooks to the

ends of the desk lamps,

like I've done here.

And this is in keeping with

nasau's specifications.

These hooks are designed to

engage the handles of

the garbage can,

even in a

zero-gravity situation.

Mind you, if we get

zero gravity here on earth,

I'm not sure taking out the

garbage would be a top priority.

Anyway, then what you do is

you duct tape the

desk lamps themselves

to the ends of the pipe.

And make sure you hook up

the lamp parts, eh.

That way you'll be able

to see at night

because there's certain

kinds of garbage

you really only wanna

take out after dark.

Now we need something that will

separate the desk lamps out

and also serve as a guide

for our fishing line.

Now, that's where

the trumpet comes in.

We don't need

the whole thing,

just the loud part.

Okay, there's our

guide mounted in place,

and now all we have to do is

run the fishing lines up

from the reel,

up through the pipe,

out through the bell

of the trumpet,

and then hook one onto each

of these desk lamps.

That way, we can kind of

control the opening and

closing of our claw.

Now all we gotta do

is take this unit

and mount it onto

the roof of the van.

Boy, if only we had some

kind of rotating mount

that would give us some

flexibility

so that we could sort of

swing the arm around --

oh, there we go.

Okay, there's our 360°

floating mount,

and I've mounted the

fishing reel onto there

with the lines running

down to the desk lamps.

So we're pretty well

ready to go.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Mount the unit

on there loosely

so that you can raise

the arm up and down

just by leaning

on the handle.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Now let's try out

our garbage canadarm.

When you're talking

wasted space,

think of me.

I read an article

in a magazine

about what men can expect from

their bodies at the age of 45.

Apparently not much.

About now, our bodies

are like our tires...

Bald, soft, and leaky.

Most of us have put on

a fair amount of weight.

We're even kind of a different

shape than we used to be.

Sometimes you look

at your shadow

and you gotta move something

just to make sure it's you.

Now, you're gonna be under

a lot of pressure to get fit,

but I say,

don't be doing that.

This is not the time to go

out for a ten-mile run

followed by two hours

of weight lifting.

That train left

many years ago,

and, buddy,

you weren't on it.

You were in the departure lounge

eating fries and gravy.

So I say just relax.

Don't panic.

Yeah, sure, your body's

gettin' bigger

while your brain's

gettin' smaller,

but the two of them have gotten

along for almost half a century

by not expecting too

much of each other.

Don't wreck it.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Now, men, I don't even

wanna waste your time

with this one,

but you're lodge members,

and unfortunately,

it's a democracy,

so you get to

vote on this,

even though we all know

this one's going

down the dumper.

It's just a question of

how hard it's gonna hit.

Harold.

Well, thank you

for that impartial

introduction, uncle red.

Well, maybe you've heard,

but multi-corp has made a very

generous offer to purchase

possum lodge

and all its buildings

and properties.

It's a cash offer with only

a couple conditions...

The deal's set to close in,

like, 30 days, right;

and even after all the back

taxes, environmental costs

have been paid,

each lodge member

can walk away with

over $25,000!

All in favour.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Put the hands down.

Put 'em down.

Put the hands down.

Put 'em down.

I'm the lodge

leader, harold.

I'm the only one who

can call for a vote.

I'm sorry.

Yes, you're

absolutely --

he's right.

Okay, you go ahead

and call for the vote.

I will.

In a minute.

In a minute.

Put 'em down.

Why don't you tell 'em about

those conditions first?

Oh, okay, well,

the deal can't close

until that tire fire

is put out

in the north end

of the property.

That thing's been

burnin' since, like --

I dunno when.

That's a landmark,

harold.

Are you asking us to turn

our backs on our heritage?

Well, if your heritage is

black smoke and toxic fumes,

yes.

All right.

Tell 'em about

the other condition.

Tell 'em.

Well, this one's

kinda obvious,

but since

multi-corp is actually

purchasing the land

and doing all

the renovations,

they're going to turn

this place into a retreat

for their corporate

executives from all

over the world.

So it won't be

open to the public.

Yeah, but the public

never comes here anyway.

Yeah, but that's because

it doesn't want to,

not because it can't.

Let's get it all

out here, harold, eh.

Will any of us be able to

go to this fancy new place?

Ha! No!

Well, no, I shouldn't

say that.

Unless, of course, you're

hired to be an executive

at multi-corp,

and I'm takin' a guess here

that that's a long shot.

All right, guys.

So there you have it.

They wanna take

over the lodge,

yuppie it up like

there's no tomorrow,

erase everything

we've ever done here,

and on top of that,

they expect us to put

out the tire fire

when we're barely halfway

through the pile.

Boo.

Boo.

Boo.

Absolutely.

I mean, who can believe it?

And all this for a

lousy 25 grand a piece.

I mean, is anybody

in favour?

Oh, oh, red green.

Perfect timing.

I'm just about to show

my new educational film.

That's the kind of

day I've been having.

Hey, I hope these films are

helping out with your show.

I hear they're very popular

with people who don't

watch television.

Yeah, I suppose

that's true.

Why don't you get a

professional animator, gord?

You know, even a clever

six-year-old would help

on these things.

Oh, no.

No, no, it's much better

if I do all the drawings,

all the voices.

One voice,

one vision.

One brain cell.

This particular one is

all about tree species,

types of trees.

You know the old expression,

you can't see the forest

for the types of trees.

That's not quite right,

you know?

Doesn't matter.

Oh.

Acorn?

Uh, not right now,

but maybe I'll stuff

my cheeks before I go.

Suit yourself.

Okay, here we go.

Shh!

[ ♪ ]

hi, everyone.

Tapping trees

takes a lot of patience

and talent.

That is

correct, red.

A telephone pole is

still a tree, you know?

Just because it has no leaves or

bark and grows next to a road

doesn't mean it

isn't a tree.

Wow, really?

I didn't know that telephone

poles were a species of tree.

Well, they aren't, harold,

and telephone poles

do not grow next to roads.

Well, not until you plant

them there they don't.

Dig a hole, red.

Harold, I want you

to plant this cell phone.

Now, boys,

let us celebrate the

birth of this new tree

with a drink!

Ah, yucky.

Yuck, this isn't

maple sap.

Of course not.

Maple sap comes

from a maple tree.

Oh, gord, what kind

of liquid

comes out of a

telephone pole?

Nitro glycerine.

Nitro glycerine?

Nitro glycerine!

Yep.

Oh, yeah.

You learn something

new every day.

Until you drink

nitro glycerine, that is.

Ha ha ha ha.

[ applause ]

oh, hey.

Oh, right, uh, welcome

to mike's teen talk.

A lot of you teens are trying

to get a tough reputation

for yourselves

by packing weapons, right,

even if you can only

afford a dill pickle

that's sharpened at one end

and wrapped in tinfoil.

Well, I got a tip

for you guys

about the most sophisticated

weapon you can pack,

and it won't even

cost you a cent.

I'm talking about stupidity.

People think

you're an idiot,

your life gets

a whole lot simpler.

The teachers don't pay

any attention to you.

Nobody borrows your notes.

Even your parents will

back off a little, right.

But, I mean,

if you're a brainer,

you got no life at all.

They want you to answer

all their questions,

and they want

you cure diseases,

and they want you

to invent stuff,

like the weightless potato.

You're way better off with

a room temperature I.Q.

Especially when something goes

wrong and someone shouts,

all right,

who's the smart guy?

You don't want 'em

pointing at you, right?

I mean, even in prison --

even in prison,

they keep the smart

ones in way longer.

They let the dumb

ones out earlier

because they're

just idiots, right,

and they'll have no trouble

fitting back into society.

So stay stupid.

You'll get a lot more privacy,

you'll get

really easy jobs,

and nobody'll mind if

you watch jerry springer.

Oh, that's it.

[ applause ]

oh, man.

Well,

the fire's out.

Put a lot of water

on 'er, I'll tell you.

More than we

needed, I'd say.

Well, you know me.

I'd rather err on

the side of safety.

Where'd you get

the fire bombers?

Oh, that was a

brainwave, eh?

I called up

the air rescue.

I told 'em we

had a tire fire

completely

out of control.

They sure responded

with a lot of fire power.

Yeah, well, I may have

mentioned something

about p.C.B.S

but, hey,

the fire's out.

That's the

main thing.

Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, no!

That's not

the main thing.

No, the main thing is

that all that water

couldn't race back

into the lake.

Somebody dropped a cord of

wood in the run-off ditch.

Son of a gun!

Yeah, well, it just

raced down to the lodge

and flooded the

main dining room.

Yeah, and then because

it was possum lake water,

it dissolved all

the main support beams.

That building went down

like moose thompson

on roller skates.

It's a shame too.

'cause that building

was perfect for seminars.

It's one of the main reasons

that multi-corp wanted

to buy the lodge.

Yeah, I'm really

upset about it.

Yeah, well, now the

deal's off.

It's a setback,

harold.

Don't say that.

You're happy about it.

I'm not happy,

I just adapt

well to life.

Don't give me that.

You didn't even

wanna sell the lodge.

I know where you're

going with this,

but I had nothing to do

with flooding that

building.

I know.

I did.

Yeah.

You did?

Yeah, 'cause I know there's

going to be a multi-corp

around every corner.

You'll be able to sell this

lodge whenever you want.

Holy cow, you really

are my nephew.

And you know, harold,

when you think about it,

if I didn't have

the lodge, I'd get bored.

I'd end up coming down to

the city and hanging

out with you.

Yeah, I know.

That's why I did it.

[ possum squealing ]

it's meeting time.

Yeah, you go

ahead, harold.

I'll be right down.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

Nothing special to report.

Put out a couple of fires,

lost 25 grand,

and coming home

with wet pants.

Pretty average day.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and especially harold

and whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ applause ]

closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com

everybody sit down.

Everybody sit down.

You gotta sit down now.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right, bow your heads.

Join me in the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Okay, guys, you gotta put

away the travel brochures,

the riding lawn mower

catalogues,

'cause the deal's off.

I know I owe you a

reasonable explanation.

Okay, it started out

as a good idea.

Things got goofier and goofier,

next thing you know,

we get nothing.

Everyone: Oh, okay.

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