The Good Old Hockey Game

Possum Lodge challenges a group of curlers to a hockey match.

Cast (in order of Appearance):, , , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, The Experts, Adventures With Bill, If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 5; The Red Green Show – 1997 Season

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: Uh, again, I mentioned Rick Green earlier, but again, we had things we wanted to say through the show, and in this one, what we called the "mid-life" part of the show, where I sit at the desk and tie a fly and talk about being an old guy, uh, I got to talk about angry people. This is something that Rick and I have always wondered. Sometimes, when you're talking to someone and they're angry, you automatically assume they're angry at you, but... they may in fact just plain be angry.

Transcript
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} Whoo! And now, here he is, the lion in winter... more like, lyin' on the living room couch, actually... your host, your hero, my uncle, Red Green!

''{Harold points toward the Lodge entrance, through which Red enters, wearing a coat. Outside, it visibly white with snow as winter has come. Red waves to the audience, who applauds.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much! All right. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the Lodge this week. Possum Lake has finally frozen right over.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, it doesn't really freeze, it congeals.

RED GREEN: Well, whatever, Harold. The thing is, we can skate on it now. Man, we love that, to get out there and skate. 'Course, the problem now is we got these Yuppie cottagers up here. You know what they wanna do on the lake? They wanna go curling!

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, that's excellent!

RED GREEN: No...

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, curling's excellent! It's a great sport! Oh, yeah, you should try curling, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Harold, if Bernice sees me with a broom in my hand, it's all over, buddy! {back to audience} So we got– we got the classic argument going on now, 'cause we wanna be playing hockey and they wanna be curling. So it's kinda like the cattle ranchers against the sheep farmers.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, don't let them pull the wool over your ice. {laughs; to audience} "Wool over your ice," I said to him! Because it's like "Wool over your eyes," but it's different! {laughs again} I said that!

RED GREEN: It's easy for you; you can change channels!

Title sequence
{The New Red Green Show'' intro plays. Cut to a shot of the Possum Van, decked out like a snowplow, driving off on a snow-covered road.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few scenes from this week's show. As you can see, we're going with kind of a winter...

{Cut to a shot of Harold dressed as a hockey goalie, with the face mask done in a caricature of his own face.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...theme from beginning to end, getting into all different types of sports. There's...

{Cut to a shot of Bill trying to stand on a snowboard, which slides down a hill, taking him with it.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...one type of sport right there. But don't worry, we're still going downhill fast.

Plot Segment 2
''{Red and Harold enter the Lodge. Red is carrying a sports bag, which he puts on the ground.}''

HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, I didn't think you had to be so rude to those curlers.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, they were asking for it. You know what they were wearing? Matching sweaters.

HAROLD GREEN: I thought they looked sharp!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, you think acne looks sharp. Believe me, Harold, I was more than fair. I offered them a fair compromise.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Yeah, right! You said they could use the rink from midnight till dawn.

RED GREEN: That's when the ice is the best.

HAROLD GREEN: How about the fact that it's pitch black and there's no lights out?

RED GREEN: You don't have to see to curl, Harold! All you need is a high boredom tolerance and matching sweaters. {picks up sports bag again} Anyway, we came up with a pretty good solution.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, okay, okay! {to audience} You know what their solution was? I'll tell you because you don't know. You know what it is? All the guys in Possum Lodge challenged the curlers to a hockey game, and whoever wins gets first dibs on the ice.

RED GREEN: {laughing} Yeah. We're gonna beat 'em so bad, they're gonna have to fly home on their brooms! {holds up sports bag} Yeah, went up in the attic there, got out all my old hockey equipment. I used to play for the Possum Lake Industrial League.

''{Red tips the bag over and spills out the contents: lots of beer cans and glass beer bottles. The audience cheers. Harold is outraged.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {shouting at audience} DON'T! DO NOT ENCOURAGE HIM!

RED GREEN: No...

HAROLD GREEN: {shouting} Do not do that!

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Harold? Harold? Harold? Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: This is disgusting! Do not!

RED GREEN: Harold? Harold? Harold, it's not– Harold? We were sponsored by our brewery, that's all, okay? It sure came in handy when we had to flood the rink.

{Harold takes the bag and rummages through it.}

HAROLD GREEN: I still think it's disgusting! What else you got in there? Like, guns and knives and mace and– and brass knuckles? {finds nothing inside the bag}

RED GREEN: Just my jock, I think.

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, a horse with a horn is called a unicorn.
 * A horse with stripes is called a zebra.
 * A horse with wings is called Pegasus.
 * And a horse with a broken leg is called glue.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
{Red and Dalton are seated at a table, and Harold stands behind them.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game! {laughs, then walks up closer to the table} Mr. Dalton Humphrey of the Humphrey Everything Store is playing for the grand prize of... {holds up whistle} ...this whistle! {laughs} Whistle's supplied by Murray's Outdoor Store.

''{Harold puts the whistle in his mouth and tries to blow it, but it makes no sound. Harold coughs.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Wonder why he donated it? That thing's broke! {gives whistle to Dalton} Unless, of course, I got some corn chips stuck in there from my retainer again.

''{Dalton tries to blow the whistle. Still, it makes no sound, but then the sounds of dogs barking are heard from offscreen. Red, Harold and Dalton all look around, confused.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: You have thirty seconds to get Mr. Dalton Humphrey to say this word...

{Dalton covers his ears while Harold pulls out and shows to the audience the sign displaying the game's featured word, which is...}

HAROLD GREEN: Compromise. Compromise. {sets sign down on table} And go!

{Dalton takes his hands away from his ears.}

RED GREEN: All right, Dalton, a happy medium.

DALTON HUMPHREY: The Amazing Criscut.

RED GREEN: No, no, when something is 50/50.

DALTON HUMPHREY: A hundred!

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, let's say you and your wife have an argument...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Normal.

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, but the two of you come to an agreement after a discussion, okay? There's been a...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Miracle!

RED GREEN: Okay, no, no, okay, you decide to do whatever she says...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah?

RED GREEN: ...because you...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Misunderstood.

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, the secret to gettin' the two of you to get along is to...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...threaten to cut off bedroom favors for an entire year. Y'know, she hates it when I threaten that.

HAROLD GREEN: We're almost out of time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, all right, all right. All right, Dalton? Dalton, you and your wife go into a furniture store, okay? She likes one couch, but you like another couch, okay? So you make a...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Scene! Spectacle! Huge production!

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, okay, okay, let's go another way: you demand to buy your couch, okay, and your wife says, "Oh, c'mon, now, Dalton, you have to learn to..."

DALTON HUMPHREY: "...sleep on your stupid couch." And I say, "Fine!" And then she says, "Fine!" And then we get into an argument, and I point out how she's wrong, and then she points out how I'm wrong, and then we just get steamed, and finally we just... BUY BOTH DAMNED COUCHES AND PUT AN END TO IT!

RED GREEN: You buy both couches?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you gotta compromise!

RED GREEN: There we go!

''{Red rings a bell on the table, ending the game. Dalton again takes the whistle, still trying vainly to blow it.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Take a second to talk to you older fellas about anger. Now, I don't mean your own anger, because that, of course, is perfectly healthy and natural and really needs to be expressed. Oh, yeah. If you didn't express your anger, how would the rest of the world learn anything? No, no, I'm talking about other people's anger. You know, now, the first question that goes through your mind is, "What can I do to please this person?" The answer, of course, is, nothing! You assume that because they're angry at you, they're angry at you! Other people aren't angry at you. Or what you do or how you do it. They're just angry. Yeah, you happen to be handy for them to be angry at, that's all. So don't take it personally. Let me explain it another way: my wife, Bernice, is always chilly, always got the extra sweater on. Now, just because she's chilly, doesn't mean she's chilly at me. She's just chilly, you know? So some people are just tall, some people are just happy, some people are just angry. And the best way to deal with anger is the possum way: roll over and play dead. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you why: it's very hard to be angry at a dead thing. Just ask my wife. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Explanations

 * Curling is a team sport played by two teams of four players each on a rectangular sheet of carefully prepared ice. Teams take turns sliding heavy, polished granite stones down the ice towards the target (called the house). Two sweepers with brooms accompany each rock and use timing equipment and their best judgment, along with direction from their teammates, to help direct the stones to their resting place.
 * In Red's song, he mentions that "a horse with a broken leg is called glue". This refers to the practice of using animal connective tissue and bones to make animal glue, with the animal in question usually being a horse.