Viva Las Possums/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know what a pain it

is to be driving along

and you need

to look at the map,

but maybe it blew

out the sun roof?

Or it's stuck to

the floor in the aftermath

of some type of

a beverage spill?

Well, here's a better idea.

Duct tape the map right

to the hood of the car.

That way you always know where

it is when you wanna find it.

I guess another solution

would be to stop and

ask for directions.

[ chuckle ]

I don't see that

happening in my lifetime.

Okay, let's give her a try.

First thing, you head

out on your trip.

Then when you wanna

check your map,

you just pull

on the hood release.

[ cheering and applause ]

thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

Well, I just got a clean bill

of health from the doctor.

Well, I didn't actually

go to the doctor.

I was testing my blood

pressure on one of

those machines.

I pushed the button, and thing

just kept getting tighter

and tighter and tighter...

So finally I just yell out,

and the pharmacist comes over

and unplugs the machine,

but she doesn't

loosen it off at all.

So then they called 911.

A couple of paramedics

come over.

One of them had

to cut the thing off.

I noticed the other paramedic,

a guy I haven't seen

for 20 years,

he looked at me,

he says,

you know, you look

pretty good.

So I feel real good.

Uncle red.

[ cheering and applause ]

I'm so excited.

I'm completely ready.

I've got everything ready

for the fabulous '50s

weekend festival.

Oh, refresh my memory

on that one, harold.

You know, it's when we invite

all the city folk up to

possum lake,

and they can relive

the fabulous '50s.

So does everyone from town

have to get clothes and

hairstyles from '50s?

No, they've pretty much

got that covered already.

I'm having trouble

getting entertainers.

Everyone I'm seeing is

really bad or really old.

Most of them

are both.

Well, come on,

harold.

There are a lot of great

entertainers from the '50s

who are still performing.

Yeah, but they

won't be here.

Well, what about that

rompin' ronnie hawkins?

He played here.

Maybe he could tell the

others about possum lake.

He did.

That's why they

won't be here.

Doesn't matter.

Instead we're having an

elvis impersonation contest!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yeah, you -- you -- you

should sign up and represent

members of the lodge.

You.

I'll put you down.

I'm not gonna be

in that, harold.

Why? Why?

You'd make a great --

come on!

You'd make a great elvis.

Bust a move for us.

Come on.

Bust a move.

Read my hips,

harold.

It's not gonna

happen, okay?

But it is lunch time,

so I'm off to

grease land.

I dunno.

I think red green

would make a great elvis.

Red green has left

the building.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

if you like saunas,

you're love tonight's prize.

Our winner will walk away

with 200 hours of sauna fun

from fat jack's

house of steam.

All 200 hours must

be used in one visit.

Okay, cover

your ears, ed.

Okay, red, you've got

30 seconds to get animal

control officer ed frith

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And go!

Okay, ed, if you see

somebody strutting around

and bragging, you say

the person is full of...

Alcohol.

No, no, no.

Okay, when the

company is hiring,

this is the main thing they

look for in their employees.

Desperation.

Now, you work

with animals, right?

Now, what is it that you have

that allows you to do that?

Medical insurance.

No, this is like a

characteristic,

like a leadership quality.

This is what leaders have.

Oh, contempt.

No, this is a good thing.

I mean, if you had this,

you'd be a completely

different person.

Sex change?

Uh, you guys are

almost out of time.

Okay, ed, remember when

you had that cougar

cornered in

flinty mcklintock's barn?

I know there was a big fight,

but at the end you got that

cat into the cage, right?

That took a lot of...

Blood transfusions.

Let me tell you,

if I'd known that

was in the barn --

okay, okay.

Okay, ed.

What is it about you that

makes you a good animal

control officer?

Nothing.

I hate the job.

Scares me to death.

But I don't have the

confidence to try

anything else.

[ applause ]

w.W.F. Style announcer:

Sucking sewage isn't all

glamour and glitter.

Winston here.

Hm-mm.

I'm on my way!

Announcer:

At rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services

we know that each

decision can mean the

difference between

life and death.

[ dramatic music ]

announcer:

We're serious about sewage,

and we know sometimes

every second counts.

[ ♪♪ ]

announcer:

Even though we take it away,

every once in a while,

we like to give

a little back.

Rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services,

we don't just suck.

[ applause ]

now, I dont really

enjoy a salad.

I have more of

a hunter mentality.

I only like to eat

things I have to chase.

But there is one good

thing about salads,

the cheese grater.

A lot of engineering

in these babies, you know.

You slide the material

against the outside

of a rotating drum

that has blades cut in it.

Then the shredded output

is exhausted through

the centre core.

It's a great design.

But what if it could do more

than cut the cheese?

You know, no matter how long

you leave your christmas

tree out front,

the garbage man is not

going to take it away.

So I say, let's use the

technology of the

cheese grater

to make ourselves a wood

chipper out of this

clothes dryer.

First thing you wanna

do is remove the door.

Okay, that's 9 1/2.

That's my shoe size.

All right, next you wanna

cut some sharp edges

into the drum

using a power chisel.

Not because it's the

right tool for the job.

I just always wanted

to use one of these.

[ loud drilling sound ]

shouting:

That went well!

Normal:

That went well.

Okay, I cut a whole whack of

jagged slots in the drum.

That'll do my shredding.

Then the chips will just

come out the door hole.

I need that door hole

to be pointing down.

Okay, now I just need to raise

the unit off the ground

so there's room for

the chips to pile up.

Or I could just lay it

down on top of the well.

No, I'll raise it up.

And there it is.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Did that sound okay,

or was I too chipper?

[ chuckles ]

all right, now all I gotta

do is set the controls

hm, I'd say extra dry.

[ applause ]

I wanna speak to

all the wives out there.

You know, as far back

as I can remember

there have been

men's magazines.

You know what I'm

talking about,

"playboy," "penthouse,"

that kind of thing.

Now, I'm not here to pass

judgement one way

or the other.

But I bet a lot of wives don't

appreciate their husbands

looking at those magazines.

Comparison shopping doesn't

belong in the bedroom.

But you know, like so many

things in life,

you gotta put it

into perspective.

I want every wife to know

that there is something

much more dangerous

than your husband looking

at men's magazines.

You see, a lot of guys my age

have abandoned the girlie

publications,

and they've replaced them

with these monthly magazines

that feature used

trucks, boats, rvs.

They're all for sale,

complete with pictures,

and some of them

are very suggestive.

Now, I figure that's

gotta be a lot scarier

than seeing your husband

browsing through "playboy,"

because when he sees pictures

in a men's magazine,

there's no chance he's going

to bring any of those home.

Remember I'm

pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

[ loon calling ]

you know, you boys are

the luckiest guys

in the world.

Who's he talking to?

The bait.

No,

you guys.

You're both married.

You have wives.

Go on.

No,

that's it.

You have women who care

for you and look after you.

Take care of

your every need.

No, we don't.

We're married.

You know, winston,

marriage doesn't work

exactly the way they describe

it in those magazines you buy.

Maybe not.

I still say

you're lucky.

You know, I'd give up

everything to find a wife.

[ scoffs ]

I did.

Why is marriage so

appealing for you,

winston?

I dunno.

Companionship,

sharing your

life with someone,

that's a good thing.

Finding someone

who'll stay overnight.

You know,

every night.

Now, don't get carried

away here, winston.

You know, winston,

99% of the time

when you're sleeping

with someone --

yeah?

You're sleeping

with someone.

Then there's the cold feet

in the middle of your back.

And worse.

Muscle spasms is the reason

they invented king sized beds.

Well, guys, I'm in

the sewage business.

I'm used to making it

through tough situations.

Yeah, but marriage is more

of a give and take, winston.

You gotta meet

the person half way.

That's the same as

in the sewage business.

I mean, you gotta get

a little give in

the blockage;

otherwise, you're

gonna be backed up

from here

till Sunday.

You know, winston, as long

as you approach marriage

the way you would

a plugged septic system,

I think you'll

be fine.

Just don't

get sucked in.

Well, everybody's getting

excited about this

big '50s weekend thing

that harold's got planned.

Funny how people remember

things as being better

than they were.

Somebody asked me whatever

happened to ursel hickey.

And I said I'm sure

it's cleared up by now.

Uncle red, please,

you have to join

the elvis contest.

Harold,

I'm not gonna --

besides, I heard you

got a ton of contestants.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Quantity I got.

Quantity's never

a problem up here.

No, it's just when you

mention the word quality

the room gets awfully quiet.

Well, it doesn't

matter, harold.

As long as you

have contestants,

you have a contest.

If you can't pick the best,

pick the least worst.

No, I wanna turn this

into an annual event.

If it stinks this year,

no one'll ever come back.

Oh, harold,

it can't be that bad.

Ha! Yeah!

What?

You stay --

okay, okay,

okay, guys,

come on in.

What's this?

[ laughter ]

[ whistling and applause ]

all right, harold.

I see what you mean.

Oh, no!

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, no,

not yet.

Watch this.

[ ♪♪ ]

okay, thank you,

gentlemen!

Thank you

very much!

That's --

it's scary, really.

Back to the buffet.

[ applause ]

come on, uncle red.

You gotta be elvis.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, harold.

I can't help you out there.

I'd like to,

but I just can't --

what?

$100!

I don't care if

you win or lose.

Please, just be

in the contest.

Well, harold,

I'm a hunk-a, hunk-a

burnin' love.

[ cheering and applause ]

red: We had the

possum lake car rally.

We entered again, and I had

my pit crew waiting there.

And I had one last

pit stop before --

and they were --

not as sharp as really

you want in a pit crew.

I guess you get

what you pay for.

So they gotta rotate

all four wheels there.

Put brand new tires on it.

And mike's job was to

clean off the windshield.

And he was also gonna get me

some kind of a drink

and then fuel her up.

Unfortunately, while mike was

cleaning the windshield,

he didn't notice that dalton

had jacked up the whole

front end there,

and -- oh, boy.

But they got the thing up.

You know when a flatbed gets

ahead of you in a race,

you know it's

not going well.

So winston has

the power wrench there.

He just got that off

like nothing.

He's got the new tire there.

He got the old one off

and put the new one on.

Okay, that's one done.

So we're getting there.

We're getting there.

We're up to maybe

eight seconds in.

And then dalton gets the

bad tire off the front.

And he goes to get

the new tire to put on.

No, that's the old one.

Uh --

and then mike brings me

something to drink,

which is great.

And then he goes around

the back to gas her up

with the other bottle.

Then he notices he

made a little mistake.

Thank you, mike.

Yeah, yeah.

There's plenty there.

So dalton's now done.

A guy on a bike

has now beaten us.

Okay, we're all

set to go.

I gotta go here.

Get that jack down

there, winston.

Get her down.

Get her down.

I got no more time.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

I'm going.

It's not that far

to the finish line.

There we go.

No problem.

No harm done.

And dead last again.

[ applause ]

it's time for the experts'

portion of the show,

where we address

those three little words

men find so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

Those are the

three words.

Okay.

"dear experts,

"recently I read in

the paper about some guy

"who has 12 wives.

"how does that work?

"signed, just the one."

I don't know how it works,

but I'd like to find out.

Geez, 12 wives.

Hate to see that

guy's to do list.

Yeah, you know,

this guy and his wives,

they probably belong to one

of those religious sects,

you know, where they allow

multiple marriages.

Well, which one's that?

Oh, gosh, there's

lots of sects.

No kidding!

No, this is

s-e-c-t.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

So you guys,

if you had the chance,

would you have

more than one wife?

Well, I wouldn't

mind a few more.

Ann-margret,

raquel welch for starters.

You're the one who'd

need the starter, dalton.

And that girl on

that "friends" show.

Oh, which one?

It's the show about

that group of friends.

No, which girl?

One of the blonde ones.

The pretty one.

How can you marry someone

you don't even know her name?

I'd go through her agent.

What about

you, red?

Would you, uh, like a

bunch of different wives?

Ah, no, when

it comes to women,

I'm more quality

than quantity,

especially since

the surgery.

You know,

you could be right,

but I'd die to have a bunch

of women looking after me.

Fat chance, huh?

Ah, no, if ann marie

is watching,

you've got a pretty good

chance at the dying part.

[ applause ]

well, harold's big

elvis-off is tonight,

and I think the king's going

to be rolling over

in his grave.

You know, these contestants

they underestimate how

much talent you need

to be elvis presley.

You know, being 100 pounds

overweight and shooting

your tv set

is not enough.

Uncle red --

[ cheering and applause ]

[ wolf whistles ]

so it's come to this,

has it, harold?

Well, everyone else

backed out.

My job's on the line here.

Well, you know, you make

a pretty good elvis.

Yeah, you really

think so?

Yeah, you know, if he was

a little more effeminate

and a geek.

Okay, I don't know

how to be elvis presley.

Okay, well, you just

gotta be king, harold.

You gotta think, act and

feel like you're the king.

Yeah.

Ah.

And you gotta get

the lip goin',

the badboy sneer.

No. No. No.

There!

That's it!

That's it!

Yeah, that's it.

Well, he must've

smiled sometimes.

Yeah, elvis had a

great sense of humour.

He would smile and

laugh a lot, yeah.

[ singing in

high-pitched voice ]

no, no, I'm wrong.

He didn't laugh.

You know what?

Spread your legs

out wider.

That's it.

That's it.

Okay, now you gotta

move your hips around.

Okay, do it like you're

looking for a woman

not a bathroom.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Oh, yeah!

That's it!

You got it!

That's it.

[ cheering and applause ]

I think so.

You good?

Okay, go, go, go.

I'm outta here.

[ possum squealing ]

all right, you go ahead.

I'm gonna go to the meeting.

Good luck,

harold, eh.

As elvis:

Thanks, uncle red.

I'm just gonna go

rock'n'roll, man.

[ applause ]

okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

Harold is doing an elvis

thing here tonight.

I hope he sings

"treat me like a fool."

he's been rehearsing

for it his whole life.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and the king

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ applause ]

take your seats.

Sit down. Sit down.

Sit down. Sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Uncle red! Uncle red!

I won!

I won the contest.

I won the elvis contest.

All right, way to go, harold.

[ applause ]

he was the only

contestant.

You just wait

till next year.

No, you know what?

If harold can win an elvis

impersonator contest,

it's time to move on.

Maybe next year we'll have a

harold impersonator contest.

[ imitating harold ]

[ imitating harold ]

[ imitating harold ]

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