The Broken Water Pump/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Broken Water Pump

Intro
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, there are clips of the show, followed by an image of a bird flying through the sky at sunset, amid various gunshot sounds.}''

''{The camera pans through a cluttered hallway inside the Lodge, on its way to the main lobby. During this time, Harold is heard introducing the show.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And now, it's time for a totally different show! A show based on the assumption that no matter who you are or how busy you are, you have at least one half-hour to waste, and, well, here's a man who's wasted at least half a century, my uncle, {under his breath} which is obviously the downside of working with a severely limited gene pool. {normal voice} But he's more than a woodsman, he's a coulds-man, and, in most cases, a shoulds-man. {laughs} Anyway, here he is, the star of "The Red Green Show", Mr. Red Green!

''{By now, the camera has reached the lobby. Red enters through the front door, waving to the audience, who applauds.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you, Harold. Thank you, and, uh, welcome to Possum Lodge. {gestures toward Harold} You've already met my nephew, Harold, who's my brother's only child, which is certainly understandable.

HAROLD GREEN: I got a neat one here for you, Uncle Red! Look at this one.

''{Harold plays his switcher. The camera zooms in on his face, the screen changes color slightly and the scene is rolled up for a second. The camera then zooms back out. Harold giggles.}''

RED GREEN: Harold is responsible for the look of the show, so don't come complaining to me. But we got a fun show for you this week, although I must say I did start today with a rude awakening, which, uh, sounded actually like Stinky Peterson. But, uh, then when I got up and I washed my face, I noticed there was no towel, then I noticed that my face wasn't wet, then I noticed there was no water. And so I figure either the water pump is broken again, or Possum Lake evaporated.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red... has anybody told Helmut?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, I don't think that's necessary, Harold, because, uh, all you gotta do is be chewing on a cup of coffee, and you realize we're out of water. {back to camera} So the bunch of us were sitting around, chewing on cups of coffee, and Old Man Sedgewick was, of course, sucking on a teabag, and, uh, he was reminiscing about the good old days at the lodge, you know, before they had any of the modern amenities, y'know, like a roof. He said back then what they'd do to make coffee is go out and gather up all the condensation of the grass, or as he put it, they made dew (parody of "do"). So we nailed him right on the scawn with a waffle iron for that one.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, don't you think he's got a point, though?

RED GREEN: Well, he certainly does now, Harold. {gestures to his head} He's got about 36 little ones right up in here. But, okay, I guess we probably did appreciate things more, y'know, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

HAROLD GREEN: Did they even have, like, outhouses back then?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Yeah, they did, but there was no hole in 'em. {back to camera} Anyway, y'know, once you get used to the modern things, like a water pump or a sweeping compound, it is very difficult to go back.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I'm here to say that we're not going back, we're going forward, because progress may be destructive and inhumane, but technology sure is neat, eh? {plays his switcher to trigger the next scene}

RED GREEN: Well, unless it's a water pump.

In the Lodge
''{Harold sits down at a card table. Helmut, meanwhile, is sitting on a couch, fixing a pump with Bill, who is standing behind the couch, holding the pump tube.}''

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Okay, I got this washer (?). We should be hearing– Bill, any blockage? {Bill taps the tube} Okay, what do you say you blow in that, and I'll see if the back pressure valve closes? {Bill inhales and blows through the tube real hard, while Helmut examines the valve} Okay, keep blowing.

''{Bill keeps blowing. Douglas enters the lodge and walks up to Helmut and Bill.}''

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: Helmut, I've just turned on the sink and all I got was this gurgling noise like Stinky makes, but no water came out. Is there anywhere in this lodge I can wash my hands? {sighs, looks away} What am I asking you for?

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: You'll find Possum Lake at the other end of that dock. Or you can wait until I'm done fixing this pump.

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: I'll use the lake. And please, make me a list of everything that you touch, especially food. {leaves the lodge through another door, past Harold}

HAROLD GREEN: Helmut? Helmut, have you ever noticed that we seem to be having an inordinate amount of breakdowns? You know, like pipes and pumps and stoves and door... You know... Well, my TV equipment, it's a lot more complicated and it hardly ever needs servicing. You know, you know? Why do you think it is the infrastructure of this lodge is constantly in need of repair? Why do you think that is?

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Harold, this place is a dump filled with crap.

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} Okay, all righty. {giggles} So what's the problem with the pump there, uh, Helmut? You know, other than its crappiness?

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: It's either a seized bearing on the (?) shaft or the back pressure valve spring is fatigued.

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} So Mr. Pump's not feeling too well. {seeing Bill still trying vainly to blow in the pump} And neither is Bill.

''{Another door in the lodge opens and Murry and Dwayne enter. Dwayne holds a bucket.}''

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: {chuckles} Well, so you're working on your water pump there, huh?

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {to Murray} No. {to Harold} Harold, you wanna go scare me up some tin snips and about seven feet of shoe leather?

HAROLD GREEN: All righty. {gets up from table} Is it okay if I get the seven feet of shoe leather from about seven different pairs of shoes? {pause; nods} Okay. {leaves}

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Well! Glad to see your water pump's working fine. Delighted, really, because, y'know, we just dropped by to get ourselves {gestures toward bucket Dwayne holds} a pail of fresh, cold water. Now, where would we find your nearest, uh...

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Okay, Murray, all right, all right, the pump is broken.

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Aw!

DWAYNE: The question was, where's the tap? Don't you listen, Helmut?

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {getting up} Dwayne, the pump is broken! That means there is no water coming out of the taps, which means you don't need to know where the taps are!

DWAYNE: Exactly! {to Murray} Told ya.

{Helmut sits back down.}

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Well, you're in luck today, Helmut, 'cause we're having a sale on water pumps down at the store.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {pointing to the pump} We bought this one off you on sale.

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Hmm, well, such a good memory.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: It's only been six weeks.

{Red enters the room and sits down in an empty chair.}

DWAYNE: Our memory is as short as our warranty. That's our slogan. Or is it our creed?

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: {seeing Red} Aha, Red! I can sell you a brand-new reconditioned water pump out of a Mack truck, complete with conversion kit, for only a hundred and fifty dollars.

DWAYNE: Maybe it's our motto.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: I can fix this one good as new for a hundred dollars.

RED GREEN: What about you, Dwayne? What's your offer?

DWAYNE: I can sell you a hot-air corn popper for $14.95.

''{Bill, still blowing in the pump the whole time, finally stops blowing and gasps for air. He finally falls down on the floor, crashing into something as he does so.}''

RED GREEN: {getting up from his chair} Well, I'm gonna– I'm gonna have to think it over, guys, so... I'll let you know later. {walks off}

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Well, by the time he thinks it over, Bill and I'll have this pump fixed.

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: {amused} Oh, well, I don't think so there. While you weren't looking, I got Dwayne to eat one of the parts.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Well, I guess when I scare up my tin snips, I'm gonna scare that part up, too.

DWAYNE: {feeling around in his pants and pulls out a part} Got it! {Helmut takes it}

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: {annoyed, throwing his head around} Oh, Dwayne! {storms off}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold lightly and quickly taps a plastic gas can.}

RED GREEN:
 * A friend had a sliver in the back of his arm.
 * It was big and huge and looked like it could cause him a great deal of discomfort at some future time.
 * So I took my needle and vice grips and a bottle opener,
 * And proceeded to remove the sliver with the occasional break for refreshments.
 * Well, I dug away at it for an hour or two.
 * Can you imagine my embarrassment when my friend pointed out that it was actually a tattoo?

''{Red stops playing the guitar while Harold continues to tap the gas can. Red looks at Harold.}''

RED GREEN: Put it down. {Harold puts can down}

Handyman Corner
''{Outside the lodge, Red leans against an old car. The "Handyman Corner" title appears.}''

RED GREEN: This week, uh, on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you how to change your oil, or more specifically, how to change the oil in your car. Uh, it's something that you have to do, uh, every coupla years. Darned inconvenient. Plus, it can cost you upwards of fifteen bucks. Besides, when you get it done at a gas station or whatever, you're just not sure whether or not they've done a bad job, y'know, whereas if you do it yourself, you know. {turns around; picks up roasting pan off car hood} Okay, first thing you're gonna need is something to catch the oil with when you're taking the old oil out. I like to use one of these foil roasting pans. This is one I used to cook a turkey in last night in the microwave oven, which has actually created another Handyman Corner for us later in the season: how to fix your microwave. {picks up a wrench from hood} Next thing you need is, uh, adjustable wrench. {makes loosening motion with wrench} This is to loose the, uh, the nut of the drain plug on the bottom of the oil pan. {shows off a creeper leaning against car} And this is another handy little item here that I like. It's called the creeper. It's got the wheels on the bottom, and you use that to lie down on and roll yourself under the vehicle. So... {sets creeper down next to car} put the creeper in place... {puts pan on ground} Got our pan, got our wrench... {sits down on creeper} And here we go. {lies down with his back on creeper} Okay, all right. Here we go.

''{Red pushes the creeper with his feet to roll it and himself toward the van. But the car is far too low for him to crawl under. He bumps his head against the car.}''

RED GREEN: Oh! {holds head in pain} Okay. {gets up} How many of you handymen notice my little trick there? {gets to his feet} I, uh... On purpose, now, I, uh, I forgot to raise the jack. {walks to front of car} Or pretended I forgot. That's it, I pretended. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. {the car has a jack placed on it already} Okay, so you go around to the jack, 'cause you gotta raise the car up to get under it. You know, any idiot knows that. {laughs; bends down to take jack} So you set the jack to raise. It's like going to your boss and saying, "Hey, Jack, how about a raise?" {starts raising and lowering the jack lever} And up she goes! {jack, however, isn't raising the car, only the front bumper it's attached to; Red walks around other side of jack} Boy, oh boy! {continues to operating jack; bumper is raised higher, being ripped off car} Okay, we're getting there... We may need a longer jack.

''{Red finishes raising the jack against the front car bumper. The car hasn't lifted off the ground at all. The bumper gets completely ripped off the car. Wipe to a later scene. The car hood has been raised. An engine lifter arm is hovering over the engine, which is hanging from the arm by chains and a hook.}''

RED GREEN: So, uh, if the mountain won't come to Muhammad, get yourself one of these engine arm lift– eng– chain– chain– {shrugs} One of these things. So up she goes!

''{Red starts raising and lowering the jack lever on the lifter arm. With vigor and effort, Red starts pumping the lever, as the whole car, not just the engine in the hood, starts lifting up into the air by the hanging hook. Red pauses briefly and then works the lever harder than ever.}''

RED GREEN: A lot of power here, a lot of power! {turns to look at car; notices that car has been lifted up; looks under car} Uh... All right, what's happening here is that, uh... uh, the car's coming up with the engine, because, uh... because the engine motor mounts are still done up, because you have to undone them from underneath, but we can't get underneath, because we can't jack the car up. So we're right back to square one. So we have to revert to the laws of physics, which is, {takes a sledgehammer} if we can't get the engine to come up, maybe we can get the car to go down.

''{Red swings his sledgehammer at the car and repeatedly bangs down on the car bumper. He grunts with each swing. But the car has barely budged; the only thing Red has done is smash the car bumper down. Red looks at the car now.}''

RED GREEN: Well, she went a little bit.

''{Red swings his hammer at the car one more time. He hits the smashed bumper, where the hammer sticks. Wipe to a later scene. Somehow, the engine has now been completely removed from the car. It hangs on the engine lifter arm hook, suspended in midair. Red holds a wrench in his hand.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, now, the reason the engine was so heavy was because we didn't, uh, bother with the time-consuming job of removing the transmission. So now what we can do is, uh, just, uh... {reaches toward engine} take out the drainpi– {stops himself and picks up the roasting pan from earlier} Lemme get the, uh... get our little pan here to catch the... And we're gonna {uses wrench to open up engine} get the old oil out of her here. Okay... {unscrews cap with hand} Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, she's coming. Yeah, yeah.

''{Red finally removes the oil cap from the engine. The oil drips out of the engine into the pan Red holds.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, that's got her. {puts cap back in engine} She was definitely ready for an oil change, wasn't she, huh? {tightens cap back into place} Tighten that up again... And now, uh, we can put the new oil back in. {sets pan and wrench down; picks up a bucket of oil nearby} I say "new oil", but, uh, actually, it's the oil I took out of the– out of the thing last time I did an oil change. Okay, {removes oil cap from top of engine} take off the cap here. {lifts bucket up to engine} And we pour her right in here, so we don't spill any there.

''{Red pours the oil into the engine. Moments later, the oil spills out of the engine and lands on the ground in a puddle. Red, however, doesn't notice. He just keeps pouring.}''

RED GREEN: And that's, uh, that's basically it for doing your oil change. It's that simple. {notices the oil on the ground} Oh, I spilled a little bit there, okay. There we go. All right. {finishes pouring} And, uh, that's it. {sets bucket down} So until next time, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {walks around to other side of engine and pulls out a rod with some strain and effort; examines rod} Well, she can take a bit more.

The Harder the Fall
''{Red is buried under a pile of leaves in the autumn, with only his head and hands sticking out. He reads from a book.}''

RED GREEN: It is autumn. Hunting season opens today. Some say hunting isn't a sport. We have guns, the animals have nothing. But we know how to even up the odds. We give ourselves a handicap. It's called beer.

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, this water pump thing is causing a real stir around here. Douglas says we can't afford a new pump, but, uh, {holds up arms} the old one's held together with string and chewing gum, which actually fluoridates the water somehow. But now, Buster Hadfield and Old Man Sedgewick, they wanna go back to the way things were, with no water system, no telephone, no electricity!

HAROLD GREEN: Well, what am I supposed to do, play Nintendo by candlelight? No, thank you!

RED GREEN: {to Harold} You know, Harold, the simpler things are, the less there is to go wrong. At least, that's the rule. You're the exception. {back to camera} Now, personally, I think we should let Helmut go ahead and try and fix the pump, because, uh, he's got his mind set on it, and I don't really wanna argue with anybody that's larger than my van.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, {points behind him with thumb} I was down at Murray's store, and he says he could sell us, like, a water pump that has a service plant and a warranty. {shrugs}

RED GREEN: Does it include life insurance for you?

HAROLD GREEN: Why would I need that?

RED GREEN: Because you're the one who got to tell Helmut.

HAROLD GREEN: {shocked} No! No, we could send somebody, but nobody likes to do that.

RED GREEN: {looks down for a second} Murray?

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing} That's the one!

Visit With Douglas Hendrychuck
{Red walks up to Douglas, who is waxing his car outside the lodge with a pair of huge foam sponges covering both of his hands.}

RED GREEN: Well, she's looking pretty good there, Douglas.

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: {reaching a sponge-covered hand out to ReD} Oh, hello, Red. {they shake hands} Thank you. {goes back to waxing car} Just trying to keep the resale value up.

RED GREEN: Yeah...

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: Find out if I ever sell her.

RED GREEN: No, no, no.

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: Now, when's the last time you waxed your van?

RED GREEN: Well, I ran into a beehive one time.

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: {stares briefly} Well, it's a pride thing, Red. I take great pride in my car.

RED GREEN: Well, that's tough to do with a Nash.

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: {slightly annoyed} It's not a Nash, it's a Gremlin. {Red nods; crosses arms} Is that your idea of a joke?

RED GREEN: No, I think this is Detroit's idea of a joke.

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: Well, I'm not about to argue taste in cars with a man whose truck is painted like a twenty-foot rodent! {goes back to waxing car}

RED GREEN: Well, actually, Douglas, I'm just here to talk to you about the new water pump. Uh, how much money we got in the lodge kitty?

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: {stops waxing and looks at Red} I'm not telling ya. {resumes waxing} And the reason I have a treasury is because I don't let anybody know how much is in there. That's what makes me the best treasurer this lodge {points at Red} has ever had!

RED GREEN: So it's under $100?

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: Way under!

RED GREEN: {shrugs} Well, then, it doesn't matter whether we repair the pump or replace it. We can't afford to do either one!

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: Not from the kitty.

Plot Segment 3
{As night falls, Red enters the now-darkened lodge again.}

RED GREEN: Well, now, everybody's getting involved in this water pump crisis. Uh, Buster's decided, kind of a manual system, actually, from water up from the lake. He got the idea from the movie Swiss Family Robinson, {gestures behind him with thumb} which just opened at the theater in town. It's on a double bill with Pillow Talk. {scratches back} All he needs is seven bathtubs and a three-inch-thick clothesline. The clothesline we have. But now, Douglas, that treasurer, y'know, he wants us all to just dig ourselves a new well. Well, we tried that before. We ended up with just a big open pit mine that eventually flooded, and that's how we got the big bay up at North End.

HAROLD GREEN: Is that for sure like the big bay? Really? Are you sure?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Sure as I'm standing here. {looks down} Oh. {steps an inch or so to his right; back to camera} Now, uh, Helmut thought he had the water pump fixed, you know, but, uh, unfortunately, he plugged it in, and now we need a pump and a new fuse box. {shrugs} Nothing hurt, except his pride and, of course, all of our aluminum wiring. But, uh, the unfortunate thing here is that Helmut is now taking that pump thing as a personal issue. That's bad, and the last thing Helmut took something personally, we ended having to reforest over a hundred acres.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, I don't think we can rule out Murray's plan, either. You know, he has a very impressive proposal for tonight's meeting. Ha ha! I helped him with the graphics.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, that's it! That's it! Oh, it's time for the meeting! {giggles} D-Day! Oh, to pump or not to pump! That is the pulsating question! {giggles again} C'mon, it's the meeting, Uncle Red, let's go! C'mon! Let's go! {runs down basement stairs at back}

RED GREEN: {to camera} Well, uh, I'll be right back. This– This won't take too long. We're definitely not dealing with an unlimited attention span down there.

''{Red walks down the basement stairs at the back. Down there, Helmut, Murray, Dwayne, Douglas and Bill are all gathering around as Harold removes his switcher.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Everybody, get a seat! Hurry, before Uncle Red gets here! He gets so cranky! {sees Red} Hi, Uncle Red. Everybody all stand up, please.

{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone does so; then Helmut, Murray and Dwayne all raise their hand} The floor recognizes... Helmut Wintergarden.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Thank you, Red. I'm happy to announce to everybody that Bill and I have fixed the pump! {everyone applauds as Bill waves}

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: Now, now, don't bother billing us, because there's no money to pay for it.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Aw, Douglas, the last thing we need when the world's in trouble is an accountant. And I'll have you know Bill and I scrounged up every part for free. Mind you, you're gonna have a little trouble starting your Nash.

DOUGLAS HENDRYCHUCK: {upset} Your filthy mitts touched my Gremlin?!

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Hang on, hang on! Let's remember, Bill and Helmut fixed this. {chuckles} It's not gonna work. {laughs}

DWAYNE: That's an excellent point. I second that.

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Yeah, shut up, Dwayne.

HAROLD GREEN: That was a cruel and heartless thing to say, wasn't it, Murray?

RED GREEN: Shut up, Harold.