The Church Casino/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Here's the man who makes it

look so easy,

so cheap and so tawdry,

your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

thank you very much.

Ok.

Oh boy.

A lot of excitement

up at the lodge this week.

The bunch of us

are going to charter a bus

come hell or high water,

we're going to the big smoke,

gonna watch a blue jays game.

Whoo! Excellent! Excellent!

Wow!

How come no one told me

about this trip?

You have to ask?

You have to answer?

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the message being,

don't think about

changing the channel.

And make sense out of

this programme, give it

your undivided attention.

Good news, everybody.

I've arranged

for transportation

for the lodge members.

You chartered a bus to toronto?

No, I bought on.

I went to see the guy.

He wanted 100 bucks to drive us

in this wreck of a school bus.

His wife said "gimme $200,

take the thing home."

we got the guys

working on it.

It should take two hours

to make it roadworthy,

four if we want lights,

six for brakes.

But uncle red,

think about it.

Huh?

At that rate

we'll late for the game.

We're not going to the game.

We just told that

to the wives.

(chuckling)

you said there's a game.

You said hell or high water.

Nobody said anything about

casino night at the church.

Gambling,

you're going gambling!

You lied to your wives!

No, we didn't.

We just didn't burden them

with the details.

Anyway, our wives will be happy.

They want us to have some fun.

I think they'll be pleased

to know we're going to church.

Then why didn't you tell them?

You guys are disgusting.

Men who lie to women

shouldn't have wives.

Men who don't lie to women

can't get wives.

Coming up a little later,

harold and bill are going to

do some canoeing.

That's harold under the canoe.

He never looked better.

It's so-- oh!

So beautiful and...

Serene out there.

Ah!

Oh!

How calm the water is.

Just to be at one with nature,

I think, it's good for people.

Looking forward to it.

♪ oh, back in the days

of king arthur ♪

♪ when chivalry was hot ♪

♪ guinevere liked arthur

a little ♪

♪ but she really liked

lancelot ♪

♪ "every dog

will have his day" ♪

♪ arthur told her

during a fight ♪

♪ she said "dogs can have

all the days they want ♪

♪ "as long as I get

my knight" ♪

(laughing)

welcome to the possum lodge

word game!

Tonight we're playing for

seasons tickets

to the winnipeg jets.

Dalton, you have 30 seconds

to get my uncle to say

this word...

Tool.

Tool.

And go.

A workman

is only as good as his...

Union.

No, ok.

You always want to use

the right something

for the job.

The right hand.

Uh, the right side of the law.

The right screwdriver.

No, ok.

Your screwdrivers

and saws

and your hammers are all...

Rusted.

Yeah, they are.

They're broken.

They're stolen... Smuggled.

Ok, look, at my store,

there's screwdrivers.

I got hammers and saws

and a complete line of...

Crap --

it is.

Bernice,

she wants you to do a job

around the house.

You make sure you've got

a good assortment of...

Excuses.

No -- now listen to me.

When you've run out of excuses,

you immediately grab

for your...

Coat.

Laxatives.

A smart workman

always blames his...

Nephew!

Hey!

Look... The reason

you never let harold

help you in the workshop

is because he is a...

I'm in the room!

I know,

I know.

Close enough.

This week on "handyman corner"

I wanna talk about tools,

or, more specifically,

tool-boxes.

As soon as you get

a complete set of tools,

next thing you know

you got friends,

neighbours, guys you work with,

and family members

borrowing tools

and not bringing them back.

So you're left holding

the empty tool-box.

What do you do with

an empty tool-box?

How about you build

a slow cooker?

It's a no-brainer,

which is sort of my specialty.

First thing you wanna do

after you empty

the compartments,

spray that non-stick

cooking stuff in there.

Just sock that in there.

You don't want to have

baked on pork and beans

ruining the finish

on your tool-box.

Just a minute,

just a minute.

There we go.

This is

the non-stick cooking spray.

That was brown primer.

People will think

it's barbecue sauce.

What you want to do is

put the vegetables into

the various drawers there.

I'm going with

the frozen material.

I find it easier to handle.

Put the peas in there.

And then the corn.

Ow!

Oh.

Put some ice on that.

I'll use the brussels sprouts.

It's the only thing

they're good for.

All right, we'll just stick

the chicken in the top.

That's going to be

a little too big.

I'm gonna cut that up.

There we go.

A coating of oil

keeps your tools from rusting.

Add the potatoes in there

around the chicken.

The french call these

"apples of the earth".

I guess you could make

vodka apple sauce.

But that's another day.

And probably a night

and right through the weekend.

Get those in there --

then add a can of

your favourite gravy.

But don't open it.

Just lie it in there

on its side,

and close everything up.

You wanna seal in

your juices and flavouring.

For that job,

I recommend you use

the gourmet chef's

secret weapon... Duct tape.

Now, ordinarily, I would do

this barbecuing outside.

It's hot out there.

I hate summer.

The beauty of using a tool-box

is you can have

something like this

for a small event,

or you can get

one of these units

and have the gang over.

But do not use the lightweight

plastic tool-box to cook in.

Otherwise you end up with

something along this line.

I don't care how much booze

you slake into your guests.

They're not going to

take a bite of that.

If you do want to use

the plastic tool-box,

I'd suggest that you go

with the hors-d'oeuvre tray.

You got carrot sticks,

celery, breadsticks, and so on.

You got a drawer

where you can keep dip,

or as we call them, "harold".

It's not that you'll eat this.

It keeps the ladies busy

while you guys

empty the beer cooler.

The beauty is

you've got your dinner...

Simmering away there.

It gives you time

to do something else.

You could build something.

You could come up with a cure

for a disease.

I prefer to sit

and not think about anything.

I'm getting good at it.

(sizzling)

(snoring)

my instincts are telling me

this is ready to go any moment.

There we go.

That's the gravy

right on time.

I'm hungry.

Looks like this leg

is the right tool for the job.

Remember, if women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

(crunching)

a little chewy.

Wait, wait.

Just a hose washer.

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got a lot more of it.

I wanna talk to guys

who've gotten married

for the second time.

Chances are you're a stepdad

for the first time.

Ok, remember this.

Stepdads scare kids.

First of all,

they think you're weird

because you find

their mother pretty.

It's gonna take them a while

to get over that one.

Plus you're hard to

get used to,

the way you look

in the morning,

and the way you laugh

at "dukes of hazzard".

So reveal yourself slowly,

the same way you're planning

to do with your new wife.

Spend time with the kids.

I know it's a nuisance.

If you spend time with them

while they're young,

it will save you spending time

driving their mother

to penitentiaries

on visiting day.

It's a lot of work.

Makes you wish you'd tried

harder on your first marriage.

Here's the upside.

If these kids don't turn out,

it's not your fault.

They're not part of

your gene pool.

Remember, I'm pulling for ya.

We're all in this together.

(applause)

(audience laughing)

well, I'll tell ya,

the church casino night

was a huge success.

Might have dropped

a couple of nickels, harold.

Oh, didn't notice.

There's lots more

where that came from.

Boy, I haven't seen

this many nickels

since we installed a pay toilet

on mexican night.

(audience laughing)

by golly, we were rollin'.

We broke the house,

we broke the church.

They may have to close.

Our lady of luck

is a dumb name for a church.

I think this is terrible.

We bankrupted a house of god.

We're gonna get punished.

We'll get put somewhere evil,

dark, scary, smelly, and wet!

We're here.

Yeah.

Actually, it's too bad.

They were runnin' the casino

to raise money for a new organ.

We bankrupted the organ fund,

the orphan fund,

and the wine budget.

Luckily, the vatican kicked in

some extra cash.

$20,000 -- that's

a lot of money...

Especially when

it's in nickels.

They made their mistake

by letting the mother superior

program the slot machine.

It just kept paying off.

It's still wrong, though.

We gotta return the money.

We won it fair and square.

The tough part's

convincing our wives

we found 400,000 nickels

in the seats of the old bus.

(audience laughing)

(siren)

possum 911 -- state your

membership number, please.

876,900.

Teddy, what's the emergency?

It's not really an emergency.

I wanted to share something

with your viewers.

Cool -- information

exchange!

Great! Go ahead!

Ok, so I'm unemployed,

but the wife works.

So I stay at home and do

the cooking and cleaning.

Wow! What's

that like?

It sucks.

(audience laughing)

all I do is feed people

and clean up after 'em.

I'm everybody's maid.

How hard can it be to throw

dirty laundry in the hamper?

You know what's the worst?

Wet towels on the bathroom

floor, with hair on 'em!

Yeah, you should

see the towels

around here --

they're covered.

That's not hair.

All day long,

it's "dad, where are my socks?

"dad, what's for dinner?

"dad, will you drive me

to the mall?

"dad, you were supposed

to wash my gym shorts."

doesn't your wife help

at all, teddy?

She says she's too tired

from work.

Little miss important

wants to read her paper.

Then she orders me

to get some food on the table.

I don't want to be a nag.

It's so boring.

Same routine, day after day,

so I've come up

with a solution

that I highly recommend

to other guys in my situation.

We're listening.

Well, I've just kinda

gone on strike

in the romance department,

if you know what I mean.

Ohhhh!

If I don't get treated

with respect in the kitchen,

then nobody gets treated

with anything in the bedroom,

if you catch my drift.

How's that

working?

Excellent! She's putting in

late nights at the office,

going to more

business conventions.

She's trying to earn more money

so she can hire a maid.

That's what

she's doing.

Right!

Yes, exactly,

yeah.

(red): Here we are,

"adventures with bill".

They got the canoe

straightened out.

Harold got his own form

of a life-jacket on.

Scary, isn't it?

You may not have that canoe

far enough into the water.

This is good, though.

This is the part

of the canoeing experience--

you learn about teamwork.

Get that farther in the water.

That should do it.

Ok, you may have gone--

yeah, well, congratulations.

You may have gone

a little overboard on--

yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah.

Really, what's the plan?

We don't want to watch this.

Get the canoe

while we're not watching.

Here we go.

So they're out there canoeing,

and harold hasn't totally

mastered--

ok, all right, settle down!

Settle down, settle down!

Boy, oh, boy!

If there was one more,

we'd have the chipmunks.

What's goin' on?

They're gonna switch ends

in the canoe,

ladies and gentlemen.

You might enjoy this.

Whoa!

Hmmm...

I wonder what's gonna

happen here.

I'm sensing a splash

somewhere in the near future.

You got a plan, boys?

That's it -- raise

the centre of gravity.

That's always a good idea.

What the heck is this?

Oh, by golly,

the miracle of childbirth!

We do everything on this show.

Well, by golly!

I just lost 10 bucks

on a bet right there.

That was very impressive.

Nice work, guys.

You didn't get anywhere,

but you didn't go down

with the ship.

Now bill wants harold

to turn around.

Harold, you don't want to be

backing into stuff, believe me,

not with your personality.

When they actually get going...

Funny how you could have

two guys wearing glasses

who still don't see

a waterfall coming up.

Yeah, it's a big one.

70, 80 feet, there.

As the canoe starts to go over,

they start to realize--

uh-oh! Ahh! Ahh!

See you in a minute, boys!

Ohhh! Ohhh!

Well, I'll tell ya,

with harold and bill,

a day at the beach is obviously

no day at the beach.

Oh, you're fine.

Goin' back should be tough.

My friends in south dakota

made me part of mount rushmore.

We're taking our winnings

from the church casino night

and rolling them

into coin rolls.

(audience laughing)

the little ones take forever,

so we're making our own.

56 bucks' worth, eh?

We figured out

how to hide the deal

so our wives won't suspect we

didn't go to the baseball game.

You're giving the money back?

These young people

with their sense of humour.

That could happen, right after

we give everything away

and learn to levitate.

Oh, ok.

No, no, the trick

to avoid suspicion

is to spend the money slowly.

Each guy gets 25 nickels a day

to blow.

You know what?

You could live off the interest

if you put that in the bank...

If you're allowed

back in

a bank?

No, no, they'd use it

against our loan.

Where's the sense in that?

So what we're doin' is...

What we're doin'...

We're hiding the nickels.

Yeah.

Where? Where?

Where? Where?

Pull up a chair

and I'll tell you.

Ahhh!

(laughing)

yeah!

You put that money

in the chair!

In the chairs, in table legs,

in the bed frames...

Old man sedgwick

is pinned under his cane.

Well, wait,

whoa, hey...

Now, hey, whoa.

You think

that's safe,

having things

so heavy here?

I don't think

there's any problem.

(roof creaking)

what's that? Oh!

(audience laughing)

boy, oh, boy!

It's sagging up there, too!

All right, all right!

(grunting)

got it.

Welcome to the expert portion,

where we examine

those three words

that men find so hard to say...

(audience):

"I don't know!"

joining my uncle red

on this portion

is his best friend

in this whole wide room,

ferryboat captain

hap shaughnessy.

(applause and cheering)

all right.

Letter goes as follows:

"I'm a university student.

"after living in a frat house,

I've become an expert

"on animal behaviour

and wildlife.

"should I switch my major

"from television arts

to veterinary science,

"zoology, or wildlife

management?"

I'd say no, because animals

have sharp teeth and claws.

I went to marine world,

just outside port asbestos.

An otter slapped me so hard,

my taco came out my nose.

That's true.

(audience laughing)

so I'd say no.

(laughing)

well, better him

than me, harold.

Yeah.

Now they have the tranquillizer

darts and special equipment,

it's not dangerous

to do that kind of work.

Ohhh, animals

don't need to be drugged.

That's just pure laziness.

(audience laughing)

when I worked at

the wildlife reserve in kenya,

we used to have to

tag the lions,

measure them for their height

and their weight,

and check their teeth

and so on,

and I never once used

a tranquillizer dart

to put 'em to sleep.

Did you tell 'em

one of your stories?

(laughing)

no.

No, I'd wait

till he was napping.

(audience laughing)

then I'd creep out

and I'd measure him

from the nose to the tail.

I'd weigh him on a scale,

clean his teeth,

and staple a tag to his ear.

Now,

mr. Shaughnessy,

I'm no expert on lions,

and unlike yourself,

I've never claimed to be,

but I would imagine that

stapling a tag to a lion's ear

might make him wake up

and be angry.

Yeah, that's exactly right.

That's why

I tagged the ear last, because

they rarely slept through that.

In a good week,

I could tag and weigh

a whole pride of lions.

Yeah, hap, you're known

for your pride of lyin'.

(audience laughing)

4,469...

4,600--

five--

seven... Nine...

What did you

do that for?

We're giving the stuff back,

all the winnings.

Giving it back

to the church, huh?

Your conscience

caught up to you.

Conscience caught up to you.

No, bernice caught up to me.

You weren't gonna

tell your wives.

We weren't, but bernice is

psychic or something.

I go in the house.

You know me, mr. Casual,

cool as a cucumber.

Mr. Poker-face, you know?

And I'm sittin' there

and she says,

"how was the baseball game?"

I'm going, "what do you mean?

"what are you saying it

that way for?

"you think I didn't go?

"is that what you're saying?

"you're accusing me

of not going?

"hey, hey! It's not my fault

"the guys went

to the casino night."

very smooth, uncle red.

(audience laughing)

she seemed to be able

to put it together.

She's psychic, I'm telling ya.

(possum squeal)

there's

the possum squeal

so it's

meeting time.

You go ahead, harold.

And if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I've collected up

all the nickels.

Got every last nickel.

There isn't one...

For gosh sakes.

You're good, bernice.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of harold

and myself and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(possum squeal)

(harold): He's here!

(harold imitating trumpet)

I shouldn't play the bat.

(red): There you go.

Get up, guys.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down, guys.

I've managed to collect

all the nickels back

and there's no admission

at the pearly gates.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!