Slingshot Skiing/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Out of a couple

of stolen bicycles.

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold: And now let's hear it

for the host with the most --

well, in terms of facial hair,

anyway, wa-a-a! --

The star

of "the red green show,"

mr. Red green!

[ cheers and applause ]

that's your guy.

Thank you very much,

and, uh,

thank you for mentioning

my beard there, harold.

I-I take it that was

just jealousy on your part.

N-no, n-no,

no, no, no, no! Wa-a-a!

The beard's your thing.

I don't want any part of it.

This is my thing.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

Well, I think

that makes us even.

Anyway, we had

a bit of excitement

up at the lodge this week.

Moose thompson decided

he wanted to go water-skiing --

the only problem being

we don't really have a boat

powerful enough to get moose up.

Neither does the navy,

wa-a-a!

Moose is bigger than an ox.

Well, physically, yes.

Mentally,

it's too close to call.

So, moose figured he had to find

another way to go water-skiing,

so he decided he'd go out and

find a lake with a hill in it.

Wa-a-a!

Uncle red...

Excuse me, but I don't think

you're gonna find a lake

with a hill in it --

there's no such thing.

Well, what's a waterfall,

harold?

So, moose went water-skiing

over rocky reef falls.

Oh, that's

an excellent choice --

rocky reef falls,

excellent choice --

because people say,

you know,

that where the water

falls into -- that pond --

they say

it's bottomless, so...

Yeah, well,

according to moose,

those reports

are exaggerated.

Uh, in fact,

the collision, uh,

almost made moose

bottomless.

But, uh, when

he regained consciousness

in the recovery room,

he saw some

of that surgical tubing,

uh, hanging

on the wall there,

and, uh,

that gave him an idea.

Two ideas in one day?

That doesn't sound

like moose to me.

Well, I blame

the concussion.

So, what he did was,

uh, he managed to steal

about 100 feet of that tubing,

and he hid it

in his belly button.

He told them

he was an outie.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ it's a beautiful morning

on a beautiful day ♪

♪ there's dew

in the meadow ♪

♪ while others

do on the hay ♪

♪ good morning

to the sparrow ♪

♪ good morning

to the dove ♪

♪ good morning to the men

as we sit down for supper ♪

♪ oh, for gosh sakes,

I slept in ♪

this week on,

uh, "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you how you can

use one type of transportation

to, uh, transport another type

of transportation.

Uh, we're actually transposing

the one trans...

All right,

what I'm talking about here is,

uh, moving your boat, you know,

like a trailer type of thing.

But, of course, you don't

necessarily need a trailer

because, uh, the easiest way to,

uh, lead a boat to water

is just to throw the thing

into your van.

[ glass shatters ]

[ clears throat ]

you might want to check

that the van's empty first.

Uh, might have your camping

equipment in there, or...

Or in this case, a chandelier

that I promised my wife

I'd take back to the store.

Okay, uh, boat trailers.

Now, boat trailers

come in all sizes.

You might have

a real small boat trailer,

or...You might have

a real big, uh, boat trailer.

This one here, we could

just fill this up with water

and go canoeing

right in the trailer itself.

But maybe, uh -- maybe some of

you don't have, uh, 2,000 bucks

to spend on a trailer,

so I what I suggest

is you get one of them, uh,

trailer spare tires,

and then you just,

uh, cruise the highways

looking for an abandoned trailer

with a flat.

You know, when you get

a trailer out of that,

you get yourself, usually,

a half-decent boat and motor.

And once you file off

the serial numbers,

you can have yourself

a nice summer.

Uh, but for those of you

who don't enjoy prison food,

we're gonna show you how you can

make your own boat trailer

to transport the form

of transportation, you know,

using another -- but, for that,

you're gonna need another form

of transportation.

Get yourself a couple of,

uh, old bikes.

I got these here

from the police auction.

Uh, the cops stole them

from harold.

Uh, oh, yeah,

don't use good bikes.

Okay, now, uh,

this here is your, uh,

galvanized steel piping.

You're gonna need that for the

framework for your boat trailer,

and I got

a bunch of joints here.

I got, uh -- I got t-joints,

and I got, uh --

I got the l-joints.

I got x-joints,

and I got q-joints.

Got pretty well

the whole alphabet here,

but just the consonants,

not the vowels.

Don't -- I mean, like,

an o-joint

is of no use to you at all.

Of course, a beer joint,

that's a different story.

Okay, now,

what you're gonna need

is a hacksaw

to cut the galvanized piping.

[ clattering ]

well, you need a hacksaw.

I use power tools.

[ saw whirring ]

and now my favorite part

of the show --

the part where we expose

those three little words

that men find so difficult

to say -- "I don't know."

wa-a-a!

And here to prove that point

is my uncle red

and his best friend

in the whole wide world...

Today,

it's mr. Glen braxton.

"dear experts..."

wa-a-a!

"for years,

we have been told

"that the communists wanted to

control the whole world,

"but it turned out they couldn't

even control bulgaria.

"why did the entire

communist system collapse,

and could the same thing

happen to capitalism?"

I don't know.

I think the reason

the communist system collapsed

was one word --

recreational vehicles.

Yeah.

You ever seen a russki r.V.?

You ever seen karl marx

driving around in a motor home?

Oh, no, no,

it wasn't him.

And why not?

You see, you remember may day?

It's always on the news.

They got those guys up there

waving as all the missiles go by

and all the tanks go by,

but not one r.V.

You know why?

'cause they didn't want people

to roam around the soviet union.

No, they didn't want to give

them their four tons of freedom.

That's what it was.

Yeah. You got the kgb.

You got the ussr.

You got r.V.

Pbht!

Communism fell at the knees...

Of the r.V.

Well, thank you, mr. Braxton,

for that interesting insight

into global politics.

You show me a society

that doesn't have r.V.S, harold,

and I'll show you a society

that's politically and morally

and spiritually corrupt.

The winnebago-domino

theory.

"it is winter.

"the snow on the mountain

reminds me of uncle larry.

"uncle larry was not educated,

but he knew the woods.

"'coniferous,' he would say,

"'what the heck

does coniferous mean?'

"or, 'ecology,' he would say,

"'what the heck

does ecology mean?'

"I remember that last time

"we were hiking

on the snowy mountain

"and uncle larry said

his last words to me.

'avalanche?' he said to me.

'what the heck does ava--'"

[ saw whirring ]

[ whirring stops ]

all right.

Uh, oh, I forgot.

Uh, you might want to measure

the width of the canoe first

to make sure -- to make sure

that it's wide enough.

Ah. We got lucky there.

Okay, now, what you want to do

is check the, uh --

the cut end of the pipe

to see if there's

any metal spurs or slivers

or what have you.

Yeah, yeah,

she's loaded with 'em.

All right, now, uh,

we take a few of these l-joints

and t-joints and what have you,

and, uh, we have to

connect them to the bike

so that we can then connect

the rods across to the bikes

and make our framework.

So, we'll take, uh,

one of these t-joints here

and, uh, just stick that

down right onto the handlebar.

I don't -- how's that gonna...

How's that gonna hook on there

if it's a solid...

Maybe one of these...

Well, uh, I think

what we'll have to use here

is the handyman's

secret weapon -- duct tape.

And there you have it,

and you just saved yourself

1,000 bucks.

And, you know, when you're

not using it as a boat trailer,

you can use it

as a bicycle built for two.

And it's actually better than

the real bicycle built for two.

'cause on them, the guy in the

back has kind of a scary view.

Okay, so, uh, our trailer's

ready for our load,

so let's get our load

and put it on the trailer.

[ grunts ]

up she goes.

Okay, let's put her on here.

Straighten her up.

A little bit of duct tape.

[ duct tape rips ]

that's the duct tape.

There we go.

Okay.

Now we just take our tongue

and, uh --

well, not our tongue,

the tongue of the trailer --

and, uh, hook her

onto the hitch here.

Okay, and then another

little piece of duct tape.

Safety first.

And, uh...There you have it.

So, uh, until next time,

remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

I'm going boating.

[ engine turns over ]

[ laughs ]

[ gasps ]

it went in the hole.

I sank it in the hole!

I put it in the hole!

Anybody?!

I put the ball in the hole!

[ laughs ]

red: Bob.

Right in the hole!

Red!

Bob, bob,

bob, bob, bob.

I put the ball

in the hole!

No, no, no, no, no.

No, bob, bob, bob.

Your ball's back there.

It's in a groundhog hole.

I just --

I put that one in there,

you know,

like a little joke.

[ laughing ]

oh.

[ chuckles ]

oh, a joke.

Yeah.

[ both laugh ]

well, that's

a very good joke.

Thank you.

Especially the part about

the ball in the groundhog hole.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

I was serious

about that part.

No, red, no.

It's either all a joke,

or it's all serious.

That's the way it works.

Oh.

And since the ball in the cup

was a joke,

well, I'm gonna have to take

a free drop.

Sorry.

Oh.

Buster said you wanted to

see me about something, bob.

Oh, yeah,

that's right, red.

I hear that moose

has made a slingshot

out of surgical tubing.

Yeah, yeah.

And he's planning

to water-ski with it

by slingshotting himself

across the lake?

Well,

I didn't know that,

but it certainly fits

his personality profile.

Oh.

[ laughs ]

another joke.

Oh, yeah.

[ laughs ]

well, uh, red,

doesn't it seem

like a trivial use

of a high-tech piece

of medical equipment to you?

Slingshot water-skiing?

Come on.

Well, I'm surprisingly

unconcerned about it, bob.

Well, maybe you should be

concerned about it, red.

I mean, it could be

environmentally hazardous --

people flying headfirst

into trees and denting them.

I may have to "confinscate"

that hose from moose.

I mean, heh,

could you imagine

how far that baby

could fire a golf ball?

Could put me

on the pro tour.

Well, moose thompson's

slingshot-water-skiing unit

was a bit of a bust.

Wa-a-a!

Uncle red,

what happened to you?

Nothing good, harold.

Have you tried the

slingshot-water-ski thing yet?

Well, I wanted to,

you know.

But every time I got up

to the front of the line,

moose kept sling-shooting me

to the back.

Once was funny, but after six

times, I give up, you know.

Well, the problem is --

and they got the thing

working real great --

but, you know, once men

get something working,

they're immediately bored

with it.

So they wanted to try something

called a double-shooter.

So, instead of one guy,

junior and moose both hopped up

into the sling there,

and then all the other guys

got together

and pulled the tubing back,

and they pulled it so hard

that the trees

that it was tied to

ripped right out of the ground

and shot past 'em.

This slingshot wasn't made acme

company by any chance, was it?

No, why?

Just asking,

wa-a-a!

[ imitating road runner ]

beep, beep!

[ laughs ]

anyway, it's not very often

you see a birch tree

and its entire root system

doing 900 miles

an hour...

Even up here.

And when the trees

zipped past the guys,

it actually lifted them

right off their feet,

so we had a whole ball

of kind of plant and animal life

hurtling towards the two-holer

which I was coming out of.

Whoo! Holey!

And, well,

they yelled to warn me,

but they were traveling faster

than the speed of sound,

so I didn't

actually hear 'em

till four minutes

after they hit me.

Which really wasn't

all that helpful.

Well, I guess that's the end

of the slingshot thing.

And the outhouse, too.

No, no, no.

Everybody wants to try

the double-shot thing.

I mean, these guys

never heard of "live and learn."

no, 'round here,

it's "monkey see, monkey do."

wa-a-a!

I think

I just spotted one.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ there's a big rig

sitting in the parking lot ♪

♪ an 18-wheeler, which is

usually 9 on each side ♪

♪ the driver squeezes

his big, fat tattooed belly ♪

♪ in behind the wheel ♪

♪ a-a-and you can hear the roar

of the diesel squeal ♪

♪ he drops her

into 1 of 32 gears ♪

♪ oh, for gosh sakes,

he stalls it ♪

red: Every week we do something

for the young people.

And, unfortunately,

this week is no exception.

Wa-a-a.

Well, hi, I'm harold green,

and welcome,

all you young viewers, to...

[ keyboard clacking ]

..."posturing for popularity."

wa-a-a,

okay, all right.

All right,

I found t-t-the secret

to impressing the opposite sex.

Wa-a-a!

I'm gonna share it with you,

okay? You know what it is?

The secret to impressing

the opposite sex is look sharp.

Wa-a-a, it's true.

All righty, so, next time you're

out in front of the cafeteria,

you know, waiting for all

the tough guys to leave,

use your time wisely

to impress the babes, okay?

Don't just stand there.

Stand cool.

Watch and learn, my friends,

wa-a-a!

Let 'em think

that you're an athlete.

You're friendly, but jocular.

You're mysterious.

"who's that guy?

"he's introverted, isn't he?"

"oh, my,

who's the sexy dude?"

"I bet you that guy

is a thinker."

[ film projector clicking ]

aah! Ohh!

[ boing! ]

oh!

Red: I really wish bill gave us

a little more warning,

you know, when he's coming over.

Two or three years.

Yeah, how are you, bill?

Don't touch it. Don't touch it.

Don't touch it.

I'll take care of the hat.

Time now for...

"adventures with bill,"

starring bill.

Ow!

Now, the idea here

was, uh --

oh, god.

This may not last too long.

The idea being we're trying

to rake up the leaves.

It's that time of year

where all the leaves fall down

in the forest and so on,

and I was trying...

But bill says,

"no, no, there's a better way."

he stole that duct tape right

off my workbench, I'll betcha.

So, bill's all --

the trouble with bill is...

Well, I was gonna say,

"he's always thinking,"

but he's not always thinking.

He's always doing stuff

and then thinking later.

The idea here was

he thought if he taped

a couple of those rakes

to his belt loops,

and we hooked them --

they're on there real secure --

and he holds one rake

in each hand,

he can do the work of four

people all at the one time,

just running around.

But he went over the bike,

and it caught there,

and then the belt --

boy, that duct tape really

hangs in, doesn't it?

You could use a bit of duct tape

with some of those --

and then he got, uh,

one of these leaf blowers,

which, you know --

bill, bill, bill, bill.

Oh.

You know, the trouble is

a lot of times

when you rent equipment,

you don't get the instructions

with it.

I'm not sure bill was completely

sure of what he was doing there.

Anyway, this is --

now, this one,

I found this very intriguing.

He had one of them plastic

garbage cans, and he says,

"the important thing here

is you got to seal this down,

"get it completely airtight.

Get that lid on there

right properly."

and then he takes

a huge thing out of his pants...

Scared most of us.

Fires that through the lid

of the garbage can.

Now, the idea is that apparently

that pickax makes a ho--

oh, okay.

Uh, it makes a hole exactly

the same size as the hose,

so, uh, what he wanted me to do

was to take the end of the hose,

stick it in the hole, and that's

like an airtight seal in there.

And then he's gonna get

the other end of the hose,

and I thought

he was gonna blow into this,

but, no, he's gonna suck on it.

He's gonna suck all the air

out of the gar--

but I think the problem was,

with it being plastic and so on,

basically, all he did was

collapse the can at this point,

so that really wasn't much of

use, so to rethink this.

You know, you got to --

[ thud ]

man: Hey!

Oops.

This was plan "a."

[ groans ]

oh, oh, oh, oh.

Now, plan "b" was he wanted me

to get the metal garbage can.

This was heavy.

Boy, I'm telling you, it didn't

look that heavy, but --

no, no, no, bill.

You try to pick these up,

and by golly, they're --

[ warble! ]

oh, oh, oh.

[ grunts ]

oh, well.

I don't stay in that cabin

anymore.

There's a peephole in there now.

Now he sucks all the air out,

but the trouble was

he threw up a lot of stuff.

You know,

hindsight's a great thing.

I think we should have

emptied it out.

A lot of old rotten leaves,

and I'm actually not quite sure

what that was.

[ retching ]

we haven't had a pony

at the lodge for years.

Anyway, we got that out of there

and get the lid on there,

and now he's got it airtight.

Yeah, it's working.

You can see it just starting,

compresses a little,

but not too much.

The idea being here,

what you're trying to do

is create a vacuum

inside the can.

There we go,

and I keep my thumb over it,

so we got that contained,

and when he takes the top off,

it's just like opening the doors

in "star trek" or something.

[ air blowing and whistling ]

it's like a complete vacuum.

I think the same thing's

under bill's, too.

Anyway, he's got

all the leaves in there,

and he's as happy as heck.

But, uh,

I just didn't get to hurt him

as much as I'd wanted to.

Ow!

Red: Here's ranger gord

to tell us all

what he does

when he spots a forest fire.

Sure, yeah, well,

the first thing I'll do

is I'll determine

the exact location

using my compass

and my binoc--

[ whistle! ]

[ glass shatters ]

oh, boy.

Well, usually,

I can just use my compass.

Boy, I hope those don't rust

out in the rain like that.

Anyway, I'll determine

the exact -- whoa!

That lightning strike

was close.

Mr. Green, I'll determine the

exact location using my compass,

and then I'll call it

into headquarters.

Robinson crusoe

to my man Friday.

Robinson crusoe

to my man Friday.

It's my code name.

Report

for December 29th --

it's not December, gord.

Uh, weather --

severe thunderstorms.

Fire danger low,

bowels regular.

I have my best friend,

mr. Red green, here,

who would like to say

"hello."

stand by.

Just say "hello."

I'll get the headphones

so you can hear them.

All righty.

Well, that stupid

surgical-tubing

water-skiing slingshot thing

has been declared

off-limits forever.

From now on,

the water skiers up here

can just use

those huge overpowered boats

like normal people do.

What happened,

uncle red?

The guys run out of birch trees

to rip out of the ground?

No, they got bored again,

harold,

with the double-shot

thing,

so they all climbed

into the sling there,

went for what they called

a "gang shoot."

stinky peterson hooked

his dump truck up to it

and started driving down

the driveway to tighten it.

Wa-a-a!

He got almost down

to the road there,

and he had her so tight,

and all of a sudden,

she started to fray and rupture

and rip, and sproing!

You ever been flicked

with a wet towel, harold?

Constantly.

My mom

can be so immature.

Well, try multiplying that

by 500.

Whoo!

Wa-a-a,

what a bunch of losers.

Sore losers.

It was the snap

heard 'round the world.

Some of the guys have welts

you could fry an egg on.

No real damage done,

but I don't think

they'll be wearing wool pants

for a few weeks.

[ screeching ]

we got to go

to the meeting now, uncle red.

Yeah, uh, you go ahead, harold.

I'll be right down.

Well, that's about it,

so if my wife is watching,

uh, I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I would appreciate it

that you don't say anything

when I take

my clothes off tonight.

Just kind of limit yourself

to the usual subdued laughter

as you run to kill the lights.

And, uh, to everybody else,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

thanks so much for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching ]

all rise!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati!

Sit down, guys.

[ all groaning ]

sit down. Sit down.

Sit down.

[ groaning continues ]