The Satellite Dish

Red installs a satellite dish in the Lodge, causing everyone to become glued to the television set.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Red's Campfire Songs, Ranger Gord's Watchtower, Handyman Corner

Transcript
''{Text appears on screen: "Women are watching the world. Men are watching television." Channel-changing sound effects are heard.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! It's The New Red Green Show! {"The Satellite Dish" appears} And now, here's a man who brings the outdoors indoors to your door. A man you adore coming through that door! Mr. Red Green! Ha ha!

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, I appreciate it very much. Well, this morning, I was walking around downtown.

HAROLD GREEN: Downtown? Where's downtown? We have&mdash; we hardly have a town, let alone a downtown. Where's downtown? Where's that?

RED GREEN: Where the roads cross, Harold, okay? We got a building on each corner. Around here, that's an urban core. So anyway, I'm walking around downtown, got the shock of my life.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah, I meant to tell you, Murray installed a full-length mirror in front of his store. Ha ha!

RED GREEN: I'm talking about what was in the store, Harold. Had a satellite dish in there, for the TV, and I'm thinking to myself, "Boy, you know, if we had one of those up at the Lodge, we could watch outdoor shows from all over the world." Kind of compare our show to theirs. Mind you, I guess that would be like comparing apples and oranges.

HAROLD GREEN: Or apples and a lemon.

RED GREEN: Sounds like sour grapes from the second banana to me, what do you think?

Title sequence
''{The New Red Green Show intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red sitting in a chair with a calf walking in front of him.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} On today's show, we have the usual animals, plus a four-legged one visiting up at the Lodge.

{Cut to a shot of Ranger Gord panicking as fire erupts in a camp stove}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Ranger Gord is watching out for fire again. There's one there, Gord. Better report that.

{Cut to a shot of Red pushing in and pulling out a wire from a car dashboard.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And this here, I really can't explain it, you're just going to have to stay and watch.

Plot Segment 2
HAROLD GREEN: So, Uncle Red, I thought you said you'd never, ever, ever, never, never, ever buy a satellite dish for the Lodge.

RED GREEN: I didn't buy one, Harold. I made one.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, not that patio umbrella that you lined with foil potato chip bags.

RED GREEN: No, Harold, that one blew away one night. Right in the middle of Baywatch. No, no, we got a new one. This one is real solid, made it out of the roof from the top of the corn silo over at Farmer Nash's place.

HAROLD GREEN: The&mdash; the roof?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Did&mdash; did he give it to you?

RED GREEN: More of a finder's keeper's event.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! We got a satellite dish!

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, we got a great satellite dish.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! Imagine all the stations!

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, we're already getting about a million stations, but now we're going to put a motorized unit on there, so that you can change the aim, you know, from satellite to satellite without leaving the comfort of your TV room.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha, wow, this is great! We can use, like, the satellite to scan the universe for signs of intelligent life.

RED GREEN: Oh, we're not interested in intelligent life. We want television!

{Bill's head moves across the scene, cutting to an Adventures with Bill segment}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Coming up, later on, Bill's going to try&mdash; oh. Bill's going to try a pogo stick. Bill is a man of action. That's what a pogo stick is, all action. Let me tell you something, for every action, there is an equal and opposite {pauses} reaction. And sometimes some water.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Okay! This is the big one! For a free ice cream cone with any purchase of a scoop of ice cream from the House of Vanilla! All right, Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Stuyvesant to say this word&mdash; {holds up a sign that says "Marriage", mouths the word} Thirty seconds, go!

RED GREEN: All right, Bob, uh, wedding?

BOB STUYVESANT: Divorce.

RED GREEN: Wedlock.

BOB STUYVESANT: Headlock.

RED GREEN: Matrimony.

BOB STUYVESANT: Alimony.

RED GREEN: Now, now, Bob, think. You've had five ex-wives, so you've experienced this five times.

BOB STUYVESANT: {pauses to think} Sex?

Red's Campfire Song
{Red is playing guitar, Harold is tapping a gas can}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, there are so many things your head can do,
 * It can see, think, feel, talk, and smell.
 * Your head is the part of your body you should use the most
 * 'Cause it does so many things so darn well.
 * Use your head wisely, clean it, protect it,
 * You can never go wrong.
 * But if you find yourself banging it against the wall for hours and hours on end,
 * There's a pretty good chance you've been married a little bit too long.

Ranger Gord's Watchtower
RED GREEN: Now we get a lot of questions for Ranger Gord up here at Possum Lodge, and unfortunately, the only one I can repeat on television is "Ranger Gord, how many forest fires have you spotted from the tower up here?"

RANGER GORD: Oh, well, Red, do you mean just this year, or altogether?

RED GREEN: No, no, altogether. Yeah, altogether. Yeah.

RANGER GORD: Let's see, uh... {pauses to think, then pulls out a notebook and starts flipping through it}

RED GREEN: You can just round it off.

RANGER GORD: Yeah, yeah. {flips through notebook some more} None, actually. Yeah. You want to know the secret of being an effective forest ranger?

RED GREEN: What's that?

RANGER GORD: Coffee.

RED GREEN: Coffee?

RANGER GORD: That's right. And I grind my own blend. Ranger Gord Java.

RED GREEN: Wow.

RANGER GORD: It consists of peach pits, acorns, and these coffee plant leaves. {holds up a small branch}

RED GREEN: Oh no, no, Gord, I believe that's poison ivy you got there.

RANGER GORD: Really? Wow, well, it works. It works like the Dickens. One cup of this and I'm up scratching my legs all night. Here, let me mix you up a batch of Ranger Gord Java, okay? {turns on a camping stove}

RED GREEN: The gas looks kind of high.

RANGER GORD: Oh, that's okay.

{The stove bursts into flames.}

RANGER GORD: {suddenly panicking} Fire! Fire! {into a nearby radio} Attention! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is Fire Watchtower 13! Fire Watchtower 13! We've got a fire! Coordinates: um, where am I?! I'm up in my tower here. Send the water bomber! With lots of people, okay!

RED GREEN: Gord? Gord? The fire's kind of out here. It's kinda... it's gone. It's done. Pretty much done there.

RANGER GORD: {calming down} It's out.

RED GREEN: Yep. Yeah.

RANGER GORD: It's a good thing that I was here to spot it, and report it.

RED GREEN: {dryly} And start it.

Handyman Corner
{Red is standing inside a room of the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: Up at the Lodge, we turn accidents into opportunities, as most of our parents did. So this week on Handyman Corner, I'm starting with an accident. {walks over to a car dashboard and a TV} This is the kind of thing that can happen when you leave your car parked between two railroad tracks and both trains come along at the same time. Now I suppose we could collect up the pieces and put 'em back together again, but the problem there is, the front end is over in Halifax and the back half's in Vancouver. At times like this, you wish you had a smaller country. So instead, I'm gonna take this unit and turn it into something else. Now what are the two favorite things that men love to do most? All right, now since this is a family show, although I'd certainly be frightened to meet that family, we're going to restrict those two choices to driving a car and watching television. Now what if we could combine those two? I'm not talking about just putting a television set into a car, I'm talking about somehow combining the driving experience with watching television. So what I'm going to do is take a little bit of ingenuity, and this piece of garbage here, and a piece of duct tape, {pulls off some duct tape} and a major railroad accident. I'm going to turn this dashboard into a television remote controller. A man-sized zapper. Sound ingenious? {pulls off more duct tape} Sound incredible? {pulls off more duct tape} Sound impossible? {pulls off more duct tape} Who cares? I'm not listening.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red cuts a wire in the dashboard, causing a zapping noise. He then rapidly cuts all of the wires, then starts touching them to his tongue, leaving one there for a few seconds with a big zapping noise. Red touches the steering wheel with a pair of pliers, then jumps back as sparks fly. He then wires up the front of the dashboard, causing more sparks to fly as Red runs away. Red repeatedly pulls a wire in and out of the dash, then hits the front of the dashboard with an axe, cuts it with a chainsaw, and hammers on it with the back side of the axe. Finally, he starts adjusting the controls on the TV.}''

RED GREEN: It's going to work great with our new satellite dish. Let's start her up!

''{Red puts a key in the ignition and holds it for a while. The TV remains off.}''

RED GREEN: Boy, must have flooded it. {the TV turns on} Oh, there we go! There we go! Here she comes! {the TV screen goes black} There she go&mdash; {the TV turns on again} There's the&mdash; oh, yeah. And I can control the volume on the unit just with my radio knob here. If you want to change channels, just turn the steering wheel. I can call this "Turner Broadcasting". Course, that's been taken. The beauty is, I don't have to use my turn signals, which I don't use anyway, actually.

Real-World References

 * Turner Broadcasting System, or TBS, is a prominent cable television network in the United States.