The Fish Locator/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: Live from the depths

of the wilderness,

where you can't see

the forest for the weeds,

it's "the red green show,"

starring the man

the indians call

"the old guy who drives that

ugly van on tv that we see."

the greatest living woodsman

since davy crockett --

and he's been buried now,

so there you go on that one.

Ladies and gentlemen,

your friend and my uncle,

the star

of "the red green show,"

here he is now,

ladies and gentlemen,

the mr. Red green guy!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you,

and welcome to possum lodge.

I'm red green,

the -- the head of the lodge.

It's a job that I don't take

lightly but should.

Uh, harold is not only

my nephew.

He's also my producer

and director.

And that means

I can do stuff like this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

ta-da! [ laughs ]

he's not much of a nephew,

either.

Anyway, I had an interesting

week up at the lodge.

The guys decided to take up

bird-watching,

which we always used to think

was kind of a sissy thing to do.

But then they found out that

bird watchers carry wineskins,

and they don't get

accidentally shot,

so it sounded pretty good.

Plus, the guys figured

they could do it

sitting on the couch

by the big picture window,

and any sport that happens

close to the fridge

is real popular at possum lodge.

Wow, that's great.

How many different birds

have they seen?

Well, as of

this morning, 279.

Stinky wanted to be able to,

you know,

count the eggs in the omelet

this morning,

but old man sedgwick said no.

It was too hard to look at.

200?

Wow! That's amazing!

Woo-hoo! You know, it takes bird

watchers years to see that many,

and they saw them

just in a few days. Wow!

That's incredible to see

that many different species.

How do you mean,

"different species"?

Well, you know, different --

not the same.

You know, like

yellow-breasted so-and-sos

and red-throated

doohickeys.

I don't know

about that, harold.

Like, they saw 47 birds

at once

when a flock of sea gulls went

through last night's garbage.

Oh, no, uncle red, you don't

count the individual birds.

You count

the individual species.

Oh.

Oh, well, then they

haven't seen 279 birds.

They've seen, uh...

Three.

Boy, they're gonna be

kind of upset.

They may drop bird-watching

when they find out about this.

What about sucking back

on wineskins?

Is that a sport, like

an armchair athlete would do?

Well, yeah.

Well, like wine tasting.

Maybe. Yeah.

But you can't just,

like, slosh it down.

You got to, like,

sniff the bouquet,

enjoy the color,

study it, if you will.

Sniff the cork.

Take a little swill of wine

into your mouth,

rinse it around,

and then just spit it out.

Oh, you spit it out?

Well, now,

that's a food fight.

That's got to be a sport.

Well...

Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ chain saw buzzing ]

wha-hoo!

Whoa! Excellent!

Dwayne and murray

arrived yet?

No, no sign of them anywhere,

doc, sorry.

Oh, bill,

this is great!

My backside's tingling

like your hands do

when you hit them on cement

with a baseball bat!

Oh! [ laughing ]

oh, you got to

try this, doc!

Whoo!

So, what's up?

I ordered a new fish locator

through murray's store.

A fish locator?

Oh, yeah!

That sort of takes the sport

out of it.

Man, I hope so!

It uses kind of a sonar,

like I used to have

when I was in the navy.

[ chain saw buzzing loudly ]

that's kind of noisy!

Could you do it

outside?

Take it outside

and do that.

Woo-oo-oo!

I didn't know

you were in the navy, doc.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A medical officer on the first

solar-powered submarine.

Very hush-hush,

the whole thing, oh, yeah.

Yeah, it was the world's

first environmentally

friendly sub, harold.

Mm-hmm. None of

your nuclear power for us.

No, sir. Just a sun-powered sub

carrying 20 icbms.

That's amazing.

You looked me right in the eye

when you said that.

Of course,

when we submerged --

oh, there it is, harold.

Oh, come to papa!

B-b-b-be careful

with that.

Come on. We haven't

gotten paid for that yet.

All right. Good.

Okay.

I want you to go get that

battery from out of the truck.

Look out, trout.

The doctor is in.

Whoa-oa-oa-oa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I think a little money needs

to change hands right now.

Oh, hey, relax, murray.

I'll pay you back

out of the fish I catch.

You said it'd pay for itself,

murray.

Well, I did say that.

I think it'll pay for itself

to you.

I'm not that lucky.

I need that money up front.

Murray, how am I gonna catch

fish without a fish locator?

How do you

normally catch fish?

He normally doesn't.

[ laughs ]

I'll -- I'll be outside

if anybody's looking for me.

I got the battery

out of the truck.

Oh, not that battery!

The little

rechargeable battery

in the shiny new box

on the front seat!

Oh.

"oh"!

Well, now, come on.

Don't go taking

that thing back, murray.

You're never gonna

sell it.

And who's gonna

want to buy it, huh?

So, why don't you

just let me use it

until I earn the money

to pay for it?

Hey, doc, your fish locator

come there?

Came and --

came and went,

came and went.

Hey, uh, red,

can I borrow $300?

Sure.

Not from me, though.

Okay.

Who'd like an hors d'oeuvre?

Fresh, piping hot

from the oven.

Cheese dreams.

Those are

cheese nightmares, eddie.

Bill, how about

a cheese dream?

Murray?

Oh, no, thanks, eddie.

I'm driving.

Doc,

can I tempt you?

If I ate one,

would you give me $300?

Well...

Say yes.

He'll never live to collect it.

Got 'em.

Oh!

Ah!

Dwayne,

care for a snack?

Sure.

Say, ed, remember you and I

were talking

about me getting you

a good supply of fresh fish,

how you'd be willing to pay

handsomely for said supply?

Well --

I was wondering if I could

get an advance on that?

Well, I mean, I-I really

could use some atlantic salmon

or -- or some pacific

lobster meat.

Oh, my soul,

I could make a salmon pâté.

Well, I was thinking

more of fish out of the lake.

Possum lake?

You mean those scrabby

little bass and sunfish?

[ laughs ] I mean,

they are so full of chemicals,

if you dried them off,

you could throw them in the fire

and use them

for artificial logs.

These are

great tuna puffs.

Cheese dreams!

[ retches ]

oh, funny.

Very funny.

W-wait a second.

Wait, hold on,

hold on. Red.

Red, the lodge could use

a fish locator, huh? Huh?

I'm sure we got

an extra 300 bucks

floating on the kitty

somewhere.

Well, we would have

if you paid your dues.

Anyway, that's between

you and murray.

You can have

your fish locator

as soon as you find

your money locator, all right?

I need that thing,

murray.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, lovely to look at,

pretty to hold.

You break this thing,

and it's sold...To you.

[ door closes ]

you promised

to buy my fish.

You promised

to eat a cheese dream.

[ guitar playing, beating ]

♪ of all the smells

that are known to man ♪

♪ there's nothing

like home cooking ♪

♪ that can do things

that nothing else can ♪

♪ the smell of home cooking

can get you out of bed ♪

♪ the smell

of home cooking ♪

♪ can raise you

from the half dead ♪

♪ I remember one day

our house burned down ♪

♪ down! ♪

♪ and you could smell

our home cooking ♪

♪ all the way to town ♪

[ guitar strumming ]

hey!

This week on "handyman corner,"

uh, I'm gonna show you

how to check your transmission.

Uh, I got this engine

out of my vehicle here,

uh, when I took her out

to do an oil change,

and luckily enough,

the transmission come with it,

so we can take

advantage of that.

Now...

[ clears throat ]

the first step here

to get the tranny off --

call it a tranny --

uh, is to loosen the bolts.

[ engine dings ]

all right.

Now...

I believe the tranny

is down here at this end.

Yeah, yeah, here we go.

Okay, now, these are, uh...

These are a 9/16 bolt,

but this is

only a 1/2-inch wrench,

but I think we can make it work.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Whoa, whoa.

Now, it would -- it does help

if you got somebody to kind of

steady the motor on you.

Oh, wait a minute. The other end

of this is 9/16.

Okay, okay, okay.

Hold her steady.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, now, I wasn't exactly sure

which bolts

held the transmission on,

so I just pretty well undid,

uh, everything I could find.

Now, just kind of

pry this out of here.

She's coming.

She's coming.

I got her here.

And then you just...

Okay. Great. Okay.

All right.

[ grunting ]

all righty.

Let's get this off, and then...

Okay.

Let's see what we got here.

Okay. We got a...

That seems all right.

And I have one of these.

This. This here.

This doesn't look -- no, no,

I guess that's okay, yeah.

And these. And this and this.

Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.

And this, see?

Yep. Yep.

Well, uh...It looks okay,

so I would say if you take

your transmission apart

and, uh, take a look at this

and then take a look at yours,

and whatever doesn't look

like this,

make yours look like this,

and then you'll be okay.

So, until next time,

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ sniffs, clears throat ]

does anybody know

if this is the transmission?

[ wind howling ]

"it is winter.

"it's only half over,

"and you've gone through

almost all of your firewood

all because your wife

won't wear wool socks."

man!

Bad enough I got the bank,

the government,

and my in-laws

bugging me for money.

Now I got doc render

hitting me up for a loan.

You know, uncle red, I'd be

happy to give doc the money,

but all you have to do

is just give me a raise.

Or what about this, harold?

What don't I give you

a cut in pay?

And then doc

can lend you money.

Or even this -- we'll just keep

things status quo-ish,

the way they're working now,

and I could work with that.

Yeah, well, I thought

you might be able to, harold.

Anyway, doc is just hitting up

absolutely everybody.

Old man sedgwick

said he couldn't partake

because he's got his money

tied up in pork futures,

which basically

means he's bought bacon

for tomorrow's breakfast.

And stinky put all his money

in one of his old socks,

but doc said he'd even take that

as long as stinky

washed it first.

But stinky said no --

didn't want to give

him laundered money.

That's disgusting.

A fish locator?

Where's our priorities,

uncle red?

Where's your priorities?

Mine?

Well, they're not important.

Are we making educational tools

for our children?

I think not, sir, no.

Rather, we're making

these silly, flashy gadgets

that we don't even need.

We're wasting

our technological advances.

We could be saving lives!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, harold.

Get on with the show, will you?

Yeah, okay.

You got to see this one.

This is so cool.

I just discovered it.

[ keyboard clacking ]

cool? What? Huh?

Cool?

Oh, yeah, yeah, that machine

is a real lifesaver.

Uh, eddie,

you got a minute there?

Oh, I don't know, red.

I'm awful busy.

I've got to get a snack ready

for the bird watchers.

Red: What is that -- black

pudding or licorice pancakes?

Toast.

Little on the burnt side,

isn't it, ed?

Got a favor to ask me?

No, no, no.

Actually, I was wondering about

this deal you got with doc

to pay

for his fish locator.

No.

I don't think doc can catch

anything other than suckers.

You know what I mean?

[ laughs ]

don't worry about that.

No, the deal's off. We couldn't

come to an agreement.

Oh.

Isn't that funny?

Hmm.

That timer's not turned on.

You know that, eh?

Oh. Well, yeah.

[ gasps ] my cake!

Oh, my cake!

Ow! Ow!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Well...

A little bit of icing

and nobody will notice.

Yeah, well, it goes good

with the toast now, anyway.

The toast? [ gasps ]

my toast!

[ electricity crackling ]

[ chuckles ]

a little butter

and nobody will notice.

I guess not, no.

You know, I must've lost

my concentration

while I was poking little holes

in the bratwurst sausage.

I missed that, ed.

Well, you were standing

right there, red.

You see, you have to poke holes

in a bratwurst sausage.

Otherwise they'll explode.

Everybody knows that.

Mm, I don't think

you did it, ed.

I poked holes

in the sausage.

Aah!

Uh, little ketchup

and, uh, nobody will notice.

Red: Bill told me to meet him

behind the lodge there.

He's gonna show me

how to camouflage himself.

I don't know.

Oh.

By golly,

he's pretty good at it.

So, that's what

we're going to do

on this week's

"adventures with bill."

I was looking

at the tree he used,

and there was an apple in there.

Kind of an adam and eve

kind of relationship

we had at that moment.

[ crunching ]

good apple, though.

And I brought in these cans

of spray paint,

and he had

the white coveralls on.

And mine -- the lid

was kind of stuck on mine.

[ pop! ]

there we go.

Now, what he does

is just kind of spray-paints

random patterns

all over his coveralls.

He asked me to do the back.

I'm only too happy

to help out on these,

hoping it'll mean

they'll end sooner.

But he had, I guess, two colors,

and then we switched

colors around.

You can't really tell that

in the black-and-white,

but those are different colors.

And I was done and he was done,

and there he was.

I did a little different style

on mine.

I like it.

Now we're gonna make some --

camouflage our hats

so you can't see our heads.

He's got a hat

something like mine,

but, of course, not exactly

the same as my lucky hat.

But he winds some branches

around there,

and I thought I did

kind of a nice job on mine.

And bill's, well...

You'd know it was bill's.

And now we're ready to go out

through the long grass,

and you're gonna see

how difficult it is

to spot a person

moving like that.

Bill is a little easier.

And, now, this is something

I had never experienced before.

You just put a mirror

into the tall grass,

and then what you do

is you angle it in such a way

that you crouch down behind it,

and a passing animal

or what have you --

say, a truant officer

or whatever --

can't tell the reflection

from the real thing,

so it just looks

like there's nothing there.

And honestly,

I couldn't believe that.

Even as close as I was,

that just looked like normal

grass and so on and everything.

And, of course, I knew bill

was just behind the mirror.

It just was fantastic, you know?

Um...

Well, now..

No, he's not in the mirror.

I just need to check his --

I don't know where bill went.

Bill? Bill? Bill?

B--

oh, there he is.

[ thunk ]

ohh!

Well, there's been

some interesting

changes of events here.

The bird watchers' club

has officially changed

its charter over

to become a wine spitters' club,

which, it was funny

the first 200 to 300 times,

but then it kind of wore

a little thin.

And by then, the couch

was so drenched with wine,

you could pass out

just from the fumes.

The guys may go back

to bird-watching.

Excuse me. Uncle red?

Did you hear how doc render

is gonna raise the money,

the $300 that he needs?

He's having a lottery.

Wa-a-a!

Tickets are a buck each.

I bought 10.

And first prize is

a quarter of a million dollars.

That's a lot of money.

You know how many video games

I could buy with that?

Well, harold, I don't like

to sound negative,

but that sounds

like a major crock to me.

Well, I don't happen

to think so.

They'll be drawing

the winning ticket

tonight at the lodge meeting,

and I feel lucky.

You don't look lucky,

harold.

[ screeching ]

okay. That's it.

That's the sound of the possum.

The meeting

is coming to order.

Whoo!

Just think of it, uncle red.

Soon I can go from being

a normal, average guy

to being a

quarter-of-a-millionaire.

Woo-oo-oo!

I'm guessing he'll still be

a quarter of an average guy.

I don't know if doc

can pull this thing off,

but if he does,

I think we should give him

the national deficit.

[ screeching ]

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

keep it down back there.

Don't throw stuff!

All right,

that's not funny.

All right.

Seriously. Don't.

All rise.

We're starting the meeting.

We're starting the meeting,

bird people.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

[ whooping ]

whoa! Hey! Easy!

Sit down.

Cool it.

On the chairs!

You can sure tell

the wine-tasting club

hasn't eaten all day.

Hey! Come on!

Come on!

You guys are nuts!

That was good.

That was good.

That was okay.

That was a good one.

That was

a good one.

But

the other one --

oh, shut up, harold.

The floor

recognizes doc render.

Thank you, red, thank you.

Thank you, fellas.

Now, would anybody else

like to buy a lottery ticket?

Now, remember, your chances

of winning are 1 in 150.

I never win anything.

I bought 10.

Wa-a-a!

Would anybody else

want to buy one?

Just anybody else?

I'll take one.

Save your money, dwayne.

It's a scam.

Scam?

A scam.

It is not a scam.

All right, now.

Red, why don't you

go ahead

and draw

the lucky number?

All right.

Keep it down

back there.

Keep it in the family,

uncle red.

All right.

Here's our lucky winner.

Listen up.

Number 102!

102!       102!

102!                        102!

I got it! That's me!

I got it!

[ jeering ]

oh, you're just jealous!

[ laughs ] I have 102!

This is so great.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna buy,

like, my own show.

I don't even need you guys

anymore.

I got my own show.

Wa-a-a-a-a!

I'm gonna buy a house on a hill

and a boat with a cd player

and a jeep.

This is so great.

Uncle red, 102.

Wa-a-a!

Uncle red,

take this job and shove it.

[ laughs ] whoo!

102, 102.

Well, now,

here you go, harold.

[ laughs ]

here we are.

[ camera shutter clicks ]

look at the size

of that check.

That's huge.

Look at this.

$1!

[ laughs ]

$1?

$1.

That's $1.

I'm supposed to be

a quarter-of-a-millionaire.

That's -- that's like

$249,999 short, doc.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Harold, harold,

first prize in the lottery

was $1 a month for a quarter

of a million months.

[ laughter ]

no, that's not right.

Didn't you read

the fine print there?

No!

It's there.

Well, that is

brilliant.

Good for you, doc.

Dwayne, how come we

didn't think of that?

So I'm not,

like, rich?

No, you're not,

harold.

You're not

a quarter-of-a-millionaire.

You're a dollar-aire,

and one who's just shoved

his job, right, guys?

[ laughs ]

well, now, murray, here you go.

There's 160 bucks --

just over half

of what I owe you.

Great. Dwayne,

saw the fish locator in half

and give it to him.

Come on, murray!

Well, read my lips, doc.

I said $300.

Wait a minute, wait,

I got an idea.

Guys, settle down, there.

You wine tasters, why don't you

go back to bird-watching, huh?

[ all shouting ]

no, listen, listen, listen.

Maybe you combine the two.

What you do is you guys buy the

other half of the fish locator,

and when doc here

is not fishing -- huh? --

You can strap the locator

to the roof of the lodge

and use it to spot birds.

Yeah! A flock finder.

Are you guys

up for that?

[ cheering ]

all right. Sold to the guy

with 50 drunken friends.

Thanks, fellas.

All right. If there's

no other lodge business...

Forget it!

I call on dwayne to give us

the evening's entertainment.

Hey!

Settle down.

Watch the man.

[ clears throat ]

fellow possums, romans,

countrymens, lend me your ears.

Let him speak.

I know that we're not

holding elections

for the leadership of the lodge,

but consider this.

If elected, I promise to put

a chicken in every pox.

Pot.

Pop?

Pot.

Pot.

Well, I guess

that's the first time

we've ever had a happy ending

for this show.

And it's not actually like

the happy ending in other shows,

where everybody learns something

and they have a hug.

Speaking of which,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I actually have

learned something,

and I got just the hug

to prove it.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

if I am elected,

I promise to get my mom

to drive you guys everywhere.

She's really good.

She's got a neat car.

I also promise to hold my breath

every two years.

What are you doing?

I'm making

election promises.

Are we having

an election here?