The Not-Chicken Franchise/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Not-Chicken Franchise

Intro
''{Text appears on screen: "Women enjoy good food done well. Men enjoy fast food done cheap." Sounds of eating are heard.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! It's The New Red Green Show! {The title "The Not-Chicken Franchise" appears} And now, here's the man who made Possum Lodge what it is today, but so far no changes have been made. Your host, my uncle... Red Green! {Red enters the Lodge}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Real exciting week up at the Lodge the week. Our former Postmaster Lucky Balderson has turned a setback into a career move.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I heard he got laid off during the latest rounds of government cutbacks.

RED GREEN: Uh, not really. He was just useless, Harold. Would've been fired during the Gold Rush.

HAROLD GREEN: You know what else I heard, though. I heard that he might open up one of those fast-food franchises, y'know? A popular one, too, y'know, something like "Moby Dick's Deep-Fried Whale Fingers".

RED GREEN: No, he couldn't afford that, but he might get a "Willy's Weenies", or one of them "John Delorian's Ribs 'N Rumps", maybe even "Mel Tillis' House of B-B-B-B-B-B-Beef". But whatever he gets, I'm going to be doing all the ads for him.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow! Celebrity endorsement. So, you, uh, got anyone to direct your commercials yet? {Red looks at Harold}

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, there might be a spot in there for you. Mind you, you'd probably end up working for weenies.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I know all about that.

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Ranger Gord sitting in a pretend TV with hand puppets}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} They say there's nothing on TV, here's Ranger Gord to prove it.

{Cut to a shot of Red fighting a tangled extension cord.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} But I don't care, I'm on cable. Heh-heh-heh-heh.

{Cut to a shot of Harold spraying a fire extinguisher everywhere.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And we got Harold... kinda... well, being Harold, really.

''{Cut to a shot of Red and Hap Shaughnessy playing the Word Game on his boat. The word is "Friends"}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Hap Shaughnessy introduces a new concept.

Plot Segment 2
''{Red comes in holding a box. It has a sticker of a chicken being crossed out, similar to the universal "No Smoking" sign}''

RED GREEN: Well, Lucky was unable to secure a fast-food franchise.

HAROLD GREEN: Aw, that's too bad.

RED GREEN: Yeah, they say that Possum Lake is not a big-enough area to support a fast-food restaurant. So Lucky and I are going to start our own franchise. We're calling it {holds up the box} "I Can't Believe It's Not Chicken".

HAROLD GREEN: What kind of meat is it?

RED GREEN: Not chicken. And I don't know for sure. Lucky's getting the meat. He knows a guy.

HAROLD GREEN: What does it taste like?

RED GREEN: Well, with fast-food, the taste doesn't matter, Harold. It's the marketing. You gotta have a hook. We think not-chicken is it.

HAROLD GREEN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Uncle Red. I think if you're gonna be the model spokesperson-type guy, you better be careful as to what you say.

RED GREEN: Well, I'm not gonna lie, Harold. I'll just hold it up and I'll say something like... 'I don't care where you go or who you know, I'll tell you one thing. {points to the box} This is not chicken.' Then we have a little jingle. 'Hot lickin', it's not chicken. The plot thickens, it's not chicken.' And then a little animal from Mars comes out or something.

HAROLD GREEN: So, uh, have you invested a lot of money in this idea?

RED GREEN: Well, I'm not stupid, Harold. I'm not gonna put money up. All I put up was my name and my reputation.

HAROLD GREEN: So there's no risk.

RED GREEN: {smells the bag, then shakes his head in disgust.} That is not chicken.

Visit With Ranger Gord
''{Red and Ranger Gord are sitting on the rocks at the base of Gord's watchtower. A box with a square hole cut on its side sits behind Gord, resembling a television set.}''

RANGER GORD: Well, today Red, I'd like to show the Lodge members the right and the wrong way to put out a campfire.

RED GREEN: Eh, sounds great, Gord. What is this here, kindling?

RANGER GORD: Yeah... No! Not yet, not yet. Well, this is my television set. I thought I would do a television presentation. {Gord hands Red a pump-action squirt gun} Now, Red, if you would take this, you can help out. Where are the rest of the Lodge members? I don't want to start without them.

RED GREEN: Well, I think they just decided to watch it on TV back at the Lodge.

RANGER GORD: {looks to the camera} Oh, great. Hi, guys! Okay, here we go. Are you ready, Red?

RED GREEN: Yeah, sure.

{Gord puts hand puppets of a pig and a lion on his hands, then places the television over his head so that it looks like he and the puppets are on TV}

RANGER GORD: Okay, great. Now turn on the TV.

''{Red turns an imaginary knob. Gord holds up a piece of paper resembling a test-pattern and makes his best impression of the test-sound, then removes the paper}''

RANGER GORD: Hi, everybody! This is Ranger Gord. {holds up the lion} And here's my friend, Mr. Bad Camper. {in deep voice} Hi, I'm Mr. Bad Camper. I don't know how to put out a campfire. {Gord holds up the pig and speaks in a soft voice} Hi, I'm Mr. Good Camper, and I do know how to put out a campfire. {Normal voice} Well, Mr. Good Camper does know how to put out a campfire, but Mr. Bad Camper doesn't. Gee, you must be sad. {Bad Camper voice} Yeah, I sure am. {Normal voice} Well, listen, why don't we help Mr. Bad Camper learn how to put out a campfire? {Good Camper voice} Oh, okay, Ranger Gord. But first, let's see the licking red flames. {Normal voice} Okay, here we go.

''{Gord sticks out his tongue to represent a fire. He tries to say something but is unable to speak clearly so he puts it back in his mouth. Red pumps the squirt gun}''

RANGER GORD: {Good Camper voice} The first thing you do is to aim the water at the base of the flames. Here we go.

''{Gord sticks out his tongue again, and Red sprays him in his face. After two sprays, Gord puts his tongue back in again.}''

RANGER GORD: {Good Camper voice} Okay, I guess that's it. {Bad Camper voice} Yeah. Boy, that was easy. Now I'm Mr. Good Camper. {Good Camper voice} That's great. How 'bout a hug? {Bad Camper voice} Okay.

{Both puppets "hug"}

RED GREEN: That it?

RANGER GORD: That's it.

RED GREEN: That was... well, that was... informative. Guess you might say... Let's see if there's something else on there. {turns the "knob"}

RANGER GORD: The Wide World of Sports! Feel the victory! And the agony of defeat! {Red sprays him again} Ahhhhh!

Red's Campfire Song
''{Red and Harold sit around the campfire. Red plays his guitar and sings while Harold plays a drum}''

RED GREEN: Oh, a word to all you young ladies when you're out there looking for a mate. Find yourself an ugly guy, and that's the one you should date. 'Cause ugly guys are nicer, ugly guys are smart. Ugly guys will love you faithfully! Ugly guys are honest, ugly guys are true. Because when you got a face like the back end of a bovine, you pretty well have to be.

Handyman Corner
''{Camera pans around the Lodge workshop, where Red and Harold stand at the bench with long neon tube lights nearby. The "Handyman Corner" logo appears in the screen corner.}''

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, Harold has joined me here, unfortunately. We're gonna show you how to make your very own neon sign. Y'know, a lot of the young people today, they're puttin' the neon lights under their vehicles, actually, for some reason or other.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha-hwa! Uncle Red, that's a statement.

RED GREEN: Yes it is, and the statement is "I have way too much money and no idea what to do with it." Alright, we're gonna make our "I Can't Believe It's Not Chicken" sign and I suggest all you do is get yourself some normal neon lights and just bend them into whatever shape you want. Go ahead, Harold.

{Red hands Harold one of the tubes}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, um, okay. Ha-hwa! Alright, our "Can't Believe It's Not Chicken" sign starts with an 'I'. Ha-hwa! Done! Oh, oh, in fact, it has one... two... three... four 'I's!

RED GREEN: Just like you, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, look at this, excellent. It even has an exclamation point. {Harold holds up a tube vertically and puts a normal light bulb underneath it} Bing! Ha-ha-hwa! Your turn.

RED GREEN: Alright, well, we need, uh, two 'C's on that, so I would say to put that into the vice.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, wait a sec, wait a sec, Uncle Red. {holds up safety goggles} Safety first.

RED GREEN: Gosh, thanks, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: No, safety.

{Harold tries to put the goggles on Red, initially poking him in the eye with the earpiece}

HAROLD GREEN: Sorry, sorry. Let's try it again. {Harold puts the goggles on successfully this time}

RED GREEN: Alright, you put the tube into the vice. {Red does so and tightens the vice} Now the secret here is, don't tighten her up too much. Just gotta get a little bit snug. {the tube breaks} See what I mean? That was a little too much. Alright. So what you wanna do, I say don't even go with the vice on that. Just take it and bend it around some kind of a pipe. You gonna help me with this, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {wearing a welding mask as he takes cover} No. Thank you, though.

RED GREEN: {starts bending} Alright, just bend that nice and snug right up- {the tube breaks} Alright, that was not quite perfect, so I think what we're gonna need to do is add some heat to her. Harold, find my propane torch, will you? I was soldering the other day and I put it down somewhere.

''{Red and Harold look around. Harold then reaches under the bench and pulls out the propane torch... and it's still lit}''

RED GREEN: Oh, oh yeah. Right where I left it. {takes a tube and puts it to the flame} Alright, now we'll take a bulb here and we just gently kinda just get the thing to soften up and-WHOA! {the tube catches fire} Harold, can you help me out a bit? Harold?! Harold?! {Harold runs in and dumps a bucket of water on Red and the tube}

{Cut to later in the segment, with Red and Harold behind the bench again}

RED GREEN: Well, as it turns out, that glass wasn't nearly as pliable as Harold thought it was. So now to make the letters for our sign, we're gonna something that's long and rubbery and full of gas. {glances at Harold, who looks annoyed}

HAROLD GREEN: Shootin' fish in a barrel, Uncle Red?

RED GREEN: Alright, alright, so what I got here are the little balloons that the magicians use to make those little animals and so on.

{Red stretches a balloon and tries to blow into it with a rasping breath, but it doesn't inflate}

HAROLD GREEN: That was the balloon.

''{Red stretches the balloon out some more. He accidentally lets go and smacks Harold with it}''

RED GREEN: Oh, sorry, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Not a problem.

RED GREEN: Not really. Harold, why don't you give this a try? Yeah. You young people, you got the... well, I don't want it, but...

{Harold stretches the balloon as he tries to blow into it, but snaps it into his mouth on accident}

RED GREEN: {takes the balloon} Well, she's all wet now, so... I got a better idea.

''{Red takes his propane torch, now unlit, and put the balloon end on the nozzle. Harold walks away in discomfort}''

''{Cut to later in the segment. Red has managed to spell the sign as far as "I CANT" using propane-inflated balloons}''

RED GREEN: Well, with the help of my propane tank here, I have managed to fill the balloons and use them to finish off the letters in the first two words of our sign. Now all I gotta do is plug 'er in and give 'er a try. {pauses} Wait a minute. Harold! C'mon in here a minute.

{Harold comes running in with the water bucket again.}

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no, no! {takes the bucket} Thank you very much. {Harold leaves.} NOW I can plug 'er in and give 'er a try.

''{Red turns on the power to the sign. The letters light up with a neon glow.}''

RED GREEN: Oh boy, beautiful.

''{The sign suddenly sparks. Before Red can do anything, Harold runs back in with a fire extinguisher and sprays it wildly all over Red and the workshop}''

Commercial bumper
''{Cut to a shot of Red and Hap Shaughnessy playing the Word Game on his boat. The word is "Friends"}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned while Hap tries to guess what's missing in his life.

Red's Sage Advice
{Red sits at his desk as the camera pans to him}

RED GREEN: I wanna talk to you guys about... looking good. Alright? Well, I'm not gonna give you any beauty tips or anything. Besides, most of us are married and how we look couldn't matter less. But y'know, it is important to look good to other women. That can help, y'know. For a start, washing is always a good idea, but you don't want to go too far with that. See, every mammal gives off some kind of chemicals, they're called pheromones, and apparently they drive the women crazy, so you don't wanna wash them off. But, on the other hand, if stray dogs howl when you walk by... well, it might be time to get acquainted with some wet soap. Alright? Your wardrobe is also important. If strangers yell things like "Hey, Bozo, juggle this!", chances are, you're overdressed. Either tone it down or move to New York. The most important thing is your attitude. Y'know, if you think you look good, it shows. And if it shows, you probably missed a button. Remember: I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{Red and Harold enter the Lodge}

RED GREEN: It's good enough for me, it should be good enough for anybody, Harold. Why'd we have to keep doing the commercial over and over and over and over and over again?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you think Steven Spielberg ever quit striving for perfection?

RED GREEN: Striving for perfection drives you nuts, Harold. Lowered expectation is the key to a happy life.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, maybe not perfection, but you have to at least pronounce "Worcestershire Sauce" properly.

RED GREEN: Why don't I just call it "brown stuff"?

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, it's not chicken, Uncle Red, I know, but what kind of meat is it?

RED GREEN: Oh, no. That's our secret, Harold. That's our profit margin and our market position. And in a pinch, it's our legal position.

HAROLD GREEN: First time I've ever seen a drumstick with two elbows.

RED GREEN: Harold, people only care about price. {shows Harold a menu} Look at this combo meal #1. Large potater tots, side salad, hot Lardy Bun, big Shakey, two Doot Rolls, and seven pieces of Not-Chicken for 89 cents.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow.

RED GREEN: Yeah. It's a dollar extra if you don't want the Not-Chicken.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but it's worth it.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
{Red and Hap Shaughnessy are sitting on Hap's boat in the middle of the lake}

RED GREEN: Here we are with Hap Shaughnessy, we're all set up to play the Possum Lodge Word Game. What're we playing for today, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, the grand prize is a mismatched set of ashtrays from the Possum Lake Hotel & Mortuary. Already got a set of those.

RED GREEN: Alright, Harold, give him the word. Don't let me see it.

''{Red covers his eyes as Harold gives Hap the word from off-screen. The word is "Friends". Hap pauses to give the audience a clear view and sets it down on his cooler.}''

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Show the folks at home... Now, Red, you ready?

RED GREEN: Yep. You got 30 seconds, Hap, to get me to say that word. Just go whenever you're ready.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Uh, uhhh... Queen Elizabeth and I are...

RED GREEN: Opposites.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, but our, uh, relationship is...

RED GREEN: Oh! Imaginary.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No. Uh, she calls me for advice because we're...

RED GREEN: Deluded. Hallucinations. Dreaming.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I-I-I-I dated all three girls on the hit TV series called...

RED GREEN: Hammy Hamster? The Smurfs. I dunno, Golden Girls.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Okay, okay, okay, okay... Robert Redford and I are best...

RED GREEN: Kept apart.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I'm tryin', Red... I am one of your closest...

RED GREEN: Oh, a liar.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, yeah... Closest...

RED GREEN: Uhhh... liar?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Liar?

RED GREEN: Yeah, liar.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: What kind of person would call me a liar?

RED GREEN: Well, Hap, I'm sorry, but all your friends do. Heh-heh-heh... Y'know, in a friendly way. Heh-heh-heh... heh.

{Hap dejectedly rings the bell a single time}

RED GREEN: Oh, that was it? That was it! {laughs} Oh, that was great, that was great. You're good at this.

Red's Handyman Tips
{Red is in the workshop with a very tangled extension cord in front of him on the bench}

RED GREEN: Hey, handymen! We all know that nothing takes the pizzazz out of a project faster than having to clean up the whole darn extension cord when you're done. Well, here's a real tip for ya: let the tool do the work.

''{Red turns on a weed-wacker that is clamped onto the table. Its handle spins around in place and winds up the cord as it does so.}''

Plot Segment 4
{Red enters the Lodge, which is oddly empty}

RED GREEN: Well, the television ads for our fast-food restaurant have started running and, boy, are we getting a response. It's okay, Harold, I'm alone.

{Harold pokes his head out from behind a junk pile}

HAROLD GREEN: Those ads are the worst thing I've ever seen on television.

RED GREEN: Aw, you should watch some of the stuff on the Women's Network. Hey, Harold, the ads are working, and that's all that matters.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, not to me. I have my integrity as a powerful new artist in this wonderful medium of ours.

RED GREEN: Well, alls I know is that we're doing a whole lot of business now and it's all because of those ads.

HAROLD GREEN: Really?

RED GREEN: Oh yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha-hwa! Really? Excellent! Cool! Ha-hwa!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lucky's thinking about expanding into opening another branch there but he may not be able to get enough Not-Chicken, so we may have to start serving Not-Beef and Not-Salad.

HAROLD GREEN: Y'know, Uncle Red, when I was shooting these ads, I was taking a look at the dailies, the rushes, y'know, and I thought to myself 'Hey, Harold. Hey. You know maybe you have somehow just managed to capture the essence, the magic somehow. Y'know, all the camera angles and lighting and so on'.

RED GREEN: Uh-huh. I think it's more of the concept of a complete lunch for only 29 cents.

HAROLD GREEN: Whatever, I don't care. As long as I have a successful ad campaign in my demo reel, can a feature film be far behind? A-haw-hwaw-hwaw-hwaw! {gestures with his hand} Not Chicken: The Movie.

RED GREEN: Not-Chicken?

HAROLD GREEN: Or Not-Beef.

RED GREEN: Not likely.

Commercial bumper
{Cut to Dougie Franklin sitting and talking inaudibly}

RED GREEN: Stay tuned while Dougie figures out what to buy his mother.

Plot Segment 5
''{Red enters the Lodge carrying a sign that reads "YES WE'RE OPEN" spelled in duct-tape. Harold stands nearby reading a letter.}''

RED GREEN: Well, so much for the Not-Chicken restaurant. {breaks the sign in half} Our mistake was running this contest as a promotional thing: If you can guess what you're eating, it's free. A visiting zoologist did and the health inspector shut us down.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, what'dya think, what do you think of this letter, Uncle Red? {reads aloud} "Dear Mr. Spielberg. I'm the director that started that Not-Chicken phenomenon and I would appreciate a seven-picture deal at your earliest convenience".

RED GREEN: You didn't hear me, Harold? The Not-Chicken business is now the not-open business.

HAROLD GREEN: Wh... well, what're we gonna do now?

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, in the restaurant business, location is everything. So we're going to make ourselves a floating restaurant, a restaurant on a raft. We can go anywhere, subject to tide and current, y'know. We're gonna call it "I Can't Believe It's Not Fish". The cops'll never make the connection.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, can you explain to me how this catastrophe is going to be any different from your earlier venture?

RED GREEN: Sure can. This time, we've got prizes. {pulls out various knick-knacks} Power Rangers, wrestling action-figures, we even got Pogs of The Smurfs.

HAROLD GREEN: Pogs? Pogs?! You got Pogs?!

RED GREEN: Yep. They're free with the Not-Shrimp Melt.

HAROLD GREEN: I'm allergic to seafood.

RED GREEN: Not this seafood.

The Experts
''{Red, Harold, and Dougie Franklin are sitting around the Lodge. "The Experts" logo is shown in the screen corner.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Experts portion of the show. This week, we have two Experts, one being my Uncle Red and the other being Mr. Dougie Franklin. {Harold takes a letter and, after a lengthy effort to unfold it, reads} This is our first letter, our first letter goes as follows. "Dear Experts. This year I wanna make my mother's birthday special, to thank her for everything she's done for me. I'm hoping to be out of prison by then. One way or another. Do you have any suggestions? I mean for a birthday gift, not how to bust out of this stinking joint. Signed, Sid in Cell C by the Sea Shore."

RED GREEN: Well, Sid, I think you should just stay in the slammer a little bit longer there. Might wanna go into overtime on that one because it sounds to me like the rehab has not quite kicked in just yet.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: No, now, Red, I think there's a very special bond that exists between a man and his mom that... transcends all rational thought. Particularly if he's her favorite son. Y'know, of course my brother Ben know'd more about that. Y'know, then again, he knows everything. He's the apple of mama's eye. To me, he's just plain rotten to the core.

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, Mr. Franklin, this fellow is looking for gift ideas.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Alright. Well, that's a tough one, Harold. I know what moms don't like: a set of racing tires. Boy, that sure was a waste of two grand, and a hell of a lot of wrapping paper as well. Women... go figure. They are so unpredictable.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I know that my mom, on her birthday, I just like to clean up, take her out for dinner, buy her flowers, y'know? I get her that all the time.

RED GREEN: Oh, no, Harold. I think your mother would prefer it if you were in prison like this fellow.

Plot Segment 6
''{Red enters the Lodge, heavily burned and still smoking. A flotation vest hangs on his neck. Harold stands nearby.}''

RED GREEN: Alright... we're out in a restaurant on a raft out in the middle of the lake. What is the last thing you'd expect, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: A customer?

RED GREEN: A fire! Whole thing went up in flames.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I told you, don't run that outboard motor on propane. Or was it a grease fire?

RED GREEN: Nope, neither one. It was just... that Not-Fish stuff just kind of spontaneously combusted. We lost everything. I though it'd only burn down to the water line, but the more she burned, the higher she floated, and we ended up losing the whole unit.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, at least you came out of the restaurant business without a loss of life. Ha-hwa, that's a pleasant surprise.

{The Possum siren sounds}

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you... you go ahead, Harold. I'll be down in a while. {Harold leaves for the basement} Well, if my wife's watching, I'm coming straight home after the meeting. I've kinda lost my appetite for fast-food... or fast-anything, so that should be good news. And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching on behalf of Harold and myself and the whole gang up here in Possum Lodge... Keep your stick on the ice. {Red goes to the basement}

Lodge Meeting
''{The Lodge members talk among themselves as Red comes down to meet them. The credits roll as the meeting begins}''

HAROLD GREEN: All rise!

{Everybody crosses their arms on their chest in the Possum salute}

EVERYBODY: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati!

RED GREEN: Sit down, guys.

{Everybody sits down}

HAROLD GREEN: There's been a, there's been a report that the fire department says it won't be coming for heart attacks anymore. {Everybody in the room groans} So if you have a heart attack, set yourself on fire.

{Episode ends}