The Moosetrap/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ electronic beeping ]

you ever seen one

of these?

It's called a g.P.S.,

which stands for --

well, who cares?

The point is this

thing uses satellites

to tell you where you are,

which means that every man

can have a $500 reason

not to ask for directions.

But that isn't nearly as good

as what I've come up with.

I got myself one of

these animal tags

that have the little

transmitters in them

they use to

track animals.

You've probably seen them on

those nature shows

where some animal lovers are

trying to protect the species,

buy shooting them with a

tranquilizer dart

and then stapling one

of these in their ear.

Well, here's what

I've done.

I've made earrings

and put one of those

transmitters into every pair.

But here's the best part...

I made a whole whack

of these earrings,

and I gave the prettiest

pair to my wife bernice.

She's out right now,

but I'm sure

she's wearing them.

That's way better

than g.P.S., eh?

'cause g.P.S. Only

tells me where I am.

Hey, if I'm having

a good time,

I don't care where I am!

But with these

transmitting earrings,

every time bernice

comes home early

or saunters out

to the garage

to see where the

smoke is coming from,

this baby starts beeping,

which gives me time

to hide the damage

or at least come up

with an excuse.

[ electronic beeping ]

oh, man.

She wasn't due back

for a couple hours.

Hi, honey!

[ beeping continues ]

[ beeping slowly dies ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

All right. Thank you.

Well, I had quite an

experience last night,

and when I got home,

bernice was standing there,

wearing her coat

and I couldn't smell dinner

cooking or anything.

I noticed that the

power was still on.

And then it struck me...

It's our anniversary.

So I decided to take her

out to the dinner theatre

up in port asbestos,

because...

She'd already bought

tickets for that.

Uncle red!

[ cheers and applause ]

you went out

last night.

How was the

dinner theatre?

Oh, my gosh,

I'll tell you,

that chez ralf,

it's a rip-off.

Thirty bucks, you get

three little potatoes;

you get a dinner roll

like a golf ball --

and I'm talking

with the backspin.

And they give you some

sort of a cornish

chicken thing

that had the muscle

mass of a chiuhuahua.

Well, you know

what they say...

A fool and his money

eat at ralf's.

And the play,

oh, man, brutal.

Yeah, it was called

"the mousetrap".

So I'm waiting

and I'm waiting.

The only mouse I saw

come out of the kitchen.

In fact, I think

they keep mice in there,

in case somebody

orders ribs.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

You know what

we could do?

Know what we could do?

Know what we could do?

We could open our

own dinner theatre.

Yeah, that porch behind

the lodge there,

it holds, like,

100 people.

Yeah, and at 30 bucks

a plate, that's...

A lot.

Oh, we're gonna

need a play.

Well, we'll just take

an existing play,

and we'll change it

just a little bit.

Nobody around here will

notice, that's for sure.

Oh, okay, well, what are we

gonna do about actors?

Harold, whenever

you have married men,

you have actors.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives this coupon

for 200 air sickness bags.

Ideal for carrying

your lunch before

or after you eat it.

Okay, cover your

ears, harold.

Uh, mr. Green,

you've got 30 seconds

to get harold

to say this word...

Yeah,

all right, mike.

And... Go!

Okay, harold, what do you

call people who come

over to your house?

My dungeons and

dragons club.

Okay, that's my fault.

Okay, what do you call people

who come over to my house?

Exterminators.

No, okay, no.

A group of actors

together form...

An unemployment line.

No, okay. Okay.

If you have like maybe

20 guys in the army,

that's called...

The canadian military.

[ applause ]

you're almost

outta time, mr. Green.

Okay, harold, let's say the

day comes when you're

gonna get married.

So you would send out

invitations...

"harold green requests the

pleasure of your..."

daughter.

To accompany me

up the aisle.

There you go.

Good boy.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

and now we come to the experts

portion of the programme,

where we address those

three little words

that men find

so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

[ giggles ]

okay, today's letter

reads as follows...

"dear experts,

"we went on a long trip

recently and my wife

was driving,

"so I got a chance to

look out the windows.

"I noticed that when you have

two couples in the same car

"there is a lot

of seating choices.

"can you tell anything

about the couples

"based on where

they sit in a car?"

well, you gotta look at the

level of conversation

that's going on.

Like, uh, if the men

are doing the talking,

they're dating.

If the women are

doing the talking,

they're married.

Right.

And what if nobody's

doing any talking?

They're married.

They're married.

Well, what if

everybody's yelling?

Married.

They're married.

Now, if you've got the

two guys in the

front seat

and the women in

the back seat,

they are definitely

married.

And if you've got the

two women in the front seat

and two guys in

the back seat,

they've been

married a while.

Well, what if everybody's

in the back seat?

Dating.

Dating.

Dating.

[ applause ]

you know, when harold had

his first business trip

last year,

the guys at the lodge were so

happy he was going away,

they all chipped in and got

him one of these laptop

computers.

The problem is the

name laptop scares me

because harold's lap is no

place for anything valuable.

Which got me thinking...

If they can make

a portable computer,

why can't some goofball

make a portable desk.

Well, guess what...

Some goofball has.

Now, this may look like a

regular garment bag,

but it's actually a business

traveller's dream.

If you do a lot

of business travel,

it might be a

recurring dream --

or a recurring nightmare,

depending on

where you're going.

Now, inside, on top,

we have our neatly

folded suits.

And underneath we have our

neatly folded desk.

Tv trays: They're not just for

pathetic bachelors any more.

And of course, you've gotta

have a flashlight

and a clothes hanger.

Those are essentials

for any executive.

Who wants a desk

without a desk lamp?

Now, the rest is up

to your imagination.

The garment bag itself

becomes my modesty panel.

And I've added a pant hanger

with the metal clips

to my desk lamp.

Of course, you're not gonna

hang your pants on there,

unless you work

for the government.

Instead, you're gonna hang

the best part of your pants,

your wallet,

or as it's also known...

Your rolodex.

And of course,

you can't travel without

travelling music.

Transistor radio oughta

take care of that, huh?

[ signal not tuning in ]

[ country music plays ]

okay, now all we need is one

of those fancy name plates,

to add that final

touch of sophistication

and there's our

portable desk.

It's quick,

it's simple,

and it's ready

to hit the road.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should --

[ ♪ ]

I wanna talk to you

older guys out there

about the dangers of

shopping for your wife.

Most importantly, I'm talking

about her reaction

to that gift

you just bought her.

Now, I know some of you have

been buying her gifts

for 25 or 30 years,

and you think you're

getting pretty good at it.

Well, you're not.

The truth is that men

run out of good gift ideas

after about the

fifth year of marriage.

That's when the phrase,

"oh, I love it honey.

"it's just what I wanted."

is replaced with,

"did you keep the receipt?"

I know we've

all been there.

That time you bought her the

picture of the dogs

playing poker.

Or the year you

enrolled her

in the barbeque sauce

of the month club.

Remember when

you got her

that hilarious fish that sings

when you clap your hands?

[ chuckling ]

I'll tell you what

the good news is, eh?

You don't have to get

too upset about it,

because all you gotta remember

is one important thing

when you're shopping

for your wife...

Men are from mars;

women have taste.

So the next time you're

shopping for a gift

for your wife,

look around the shop.

If you see something kinda

special, something unique,

something you would honestly

like to have yourself,

get the heck outta there,

because, buddy, you're

in the wrong store!

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in

this together.

Well, buster hadfield

wrote up the script

for our dinner

theatre play.

Rehearsals start today.

I'm not actually in it

because I'm allergic

to vegetables,

especially when people are

winging 'em at me.

Uncle red!

[ wolf whistles and applause ]

[ louder wolf whistles ]

it's not a

ballet, you know?

This is an acting

technique.

We have to divest ourselves

of our own personas

so we can take on

a new character.

And in your case,

it's probably a good idea.

There's a typo

in the script, red.

Buster called it

"the moose trap",

instead of

"the mousetrap".

No, no, no.

It's not a typo.

It's "the moose trap".

Okay, it's loosely based

on "the mousetrap".

It's identical!

Same plot,

same characters.

No, no, see?

Ours is called

"the moose trap".

That way we don't have

to pay any royalties.

"the mouse trap" has been

running for 50 years.

We're not gonna

fool anybody.

Don't be so sure, harold.

The mayor of possum lake has

been running for 60 years,

and he still

fools everybody.

You know what?

We need you to rehearse this.

Ann marie is gonna

be in the audience,

and I get enough

bad reviews at home.

All right, well,

let's do, uh,

act three, scene four,

"the bloody

aftermath".

Now, uncle red,

as an actor,

I'm not sure of my

motivation in the scene.

I was hoping maybe you

could help me with that.

Yes. Yes,

I can, harold.

So your motivation

is to do what it says

in the script.

Or we get somebody

else to play the part.

Okay, see,

I needed that.

Yes. Yes,

I did too.

All right, dalton, go ahead.

You've got the first line.

It's just that I'm

nervous, you know.

And I don't want wanna be

the worst one up there.

You've got some

nerve, little man,

but maybe if we...

Work together...

We could find a copy

of the old lady's...

Will!

Looks like

you're safe.

I think so!

Red: I was killing time

out behind the lodge

waiting for walter.

Had some drum sticks.

You know, you get

drumming away there,

and you gotta get

a beat going.

Walter had kind of

a chinese thing going,

which is perfect

I didn't understand

it at first,

but apparently he'd gotten

himself some new little toy

that he wanted try,

he wanted me to be

the guinea pig on.

They use these things now in

some of the big cities.

Not just in china,

but everywhere.

I think it's called

a rickshaw.

Boy, they pack up pretty

small for the size of it.

So walter wanted me

to get in there,

so, all right,

I'll give that a chance.

Gonna feel like the

shaw (shah) of somewhere.

I'm sitting there,

and he takes her --

don't exactly understand

the physics of this,

and I'm questioning it --

oh! Oh!

That has gotta hurt.

So apparently I wasn't

sitting far enough back.

You've got to put

the weight back,

like it is on my aunt.

And there, look at --

the way he runs

scares me.

But as we started

going up a hill,

again, I guess my weight

was too far forward,

and he started to dig

in a little bit,

so he asked me if

I would move back.

And you know, I probably

over corrected.

And I knew this

can't be good.

Oh! Oh!

Okay, you know what?

That's enough fun

for me for one day.

Why don't you get

in there, walter,

and I'll try?

Yes, I'll try.

But I'm not actually

gonna pull it manually.

Seems like a better

idea to me.

Now, my plan was to take

him up onto the four-lane,

but unfortunately, I had

to go up a hill first,

and some of the hills around

possum lodge

are not all that smooth,

and I hit a pothole.

I probably should have

had some kind of a hitch

because, uh --

some --

we decided we should just

put the rickshaw away

for the day.

And I came in there,

hoping walter was okay.

And it was like

going to the vet,

like those dogs wear.

That was just his hat.

I took that off,

and that damaged his ears.

Then I could yell at him.

It was a great hat.

It was a great day.

And we'll probably

never do it again.

[ ♪ ]

oh, hi, everybody.

Ranger gord here,

with another one of my

animated educational shorts.

Now, this particular one

is all about pollution.

And more specifically,

I'm against it.

You know, when I'm

in the great outdoors,

I always harken back

to that old adage...

Take nothing but photos,

leave nothing but footprints.

Unless, of course, you're

doing something weird,

in which case, those things

will be used against you

as evidence later on.

[ chuckles ]

seriously.

Anyway, enjoy the film.

[ ♪♪ ]

[ ♪ ]

hi, folks.

Today I'm gonna teach

the whole world

to clean up its act.

But first,

we need a mascot.

Why, here's a

cute little fellow.

Can you say,

give a hoot, don't pollute?

Can you say

trademark infringement?

Uh, right then.

Let's begin our lesson

with noise pollution.

[ rock music blasting ]

now, obviously, we can't

have this kind of noise

in the forest.

It's impolite,

irresponsible

and incredibly dangerous.

So is the music!

And here comes

the hibernating bear

we just woke up

to finish the job.

Ohh-aww!

What do we do, gord?

I know.

Why don't you take this

motorcycle to safety?

Good idea.

Hey, sweet ride.

Yeah, sweet nitrous oxide

ride, you mean.

Greenhouse gases are a

constant threat to us all.

But fortunately, you can't

do too much damage...

With a potato in

your tailpipe.

I'm gonna put a potato

in your tailpipe, gord.

Well, there'll be plenty

of time for recreation

later, red.

Now, let's fly this chopper!

Red: I can't believe you're

making us pick up litter

in the dark.

Gord: The pollution solution

is a 24/7 job, red.

Now you know what

I go through every day.

Harold: Wow! It's amazing

how much garbage

people leave around

a campsite.

Gord: Actually, it's not a

campsite at all, harold.

You've been cleaning my

place for the past hour.

[ laughing ]

ah! This isn't

your apartment, gord.

You're right.

Who's place is this?

[ screaming ]

well, folks, we've had

a lot of fun tonight.

But there's nothing

funny about pollution.

You said it, paul

the pollution bear.

Whew!

So he was your

mascot all along.

I thought he was

going to attack us.

Oh, paul's still

going to attack you.

Giving environmental

tips is his job.

Eating you is just --

well, it's just a perk.

Ah! Wait a second, paul.

You don't wanna eat me.

I'm, uh, polluted.

Oh, uh,

it's true!

[ laughing ]

[ applause ]

[ loud booing ]

well, the dinner theatre

thing seems to be going

pretty well.

We decided to serve

hamburgers.

We already had lots

of hot dogs on stage.

[ loud booing ]

geez!

Okay! Okay!

Is the play over?

Well,

for us it is.

That is the worst

audience I have ever seen.

They do not know how to

appreciate good talent.

We don't know that, harold.

They were throwing

french fries at us.

It was humiliating.

Well, look at the

bright side.

At least we didn't

give them cutlery.

[ loud pounding ]

we can't go back out

there, uncle red.

Well, how far into

the play were you?

We were at the

murder scene.

Winston was dying.

We all were.

[ loud booing ]

well, that's enough

of that!

That audience has no

respect for the dead.

Right now they envy

the dead, winston.

It was awful.

I'm laying there

on the stage,

and they pelt me with

mustard and hot peppers

and tobasco sauce!

Are you all right,

winston?

Yeah,

I'm okay.

A little heartburn,

but --

[ possum squealing ]

harold:

Meeting time!

Yeah, you guys go

ahead, all right?

I'll be down

in a minute.

[ whimpering ]

listen, the butler

did it, okay?

[ applause ]

I'll be downstairs.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

Uh, the dinner theatre

thing didn't go so good.

Wasn't really broadway,

not even off-broadway.

It was just off,

which, coincidentally,

part of the phrase

the audience was yelling.

[ tentative laughter,

then laughter ]

and to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down.

Everybody gotta sit down.

Sit down, everybody.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

All right, men, the

whole dinner theatre thing,

that's all over with.

And we have some

food left over.

We've got 40 pounds

of ground beef,

65 pounds of french fries,

and I'm not exactly

sure how much ham.

What do you guys weigh?

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