Who Wants To Be A Smart Guy/Transcript

The complete transcript for Who Wants To Be A Smart Guy

Opening Scene
''{The camera shows a small tower with the Union Jack flag at the top. Red is walking on a path near the base.}''

RED GREEN: This is a monument to a famous battle that took place during the War of 1812, which was also the score: we got 18, they got 12. Every year, dozens of tourists come to visit this monument, and today I'm one of them. And like everybody who travels, you want to go home with a picture of yourself standing in front of the darn thing. Problem with that is, you got to stop some stranger in some place you've never been before and ask him to take your photograph. And before he can even take the picture, you got to train him how to operate a piece of equipment you barely understand yourself. {arrives at a picnic table and sits himself and his camera on it} Then you stand there like a wiener, well, this dude takes a picture of your feet with your stem over the lens. {opens a folder} Well, instead, I got Bernice to take a picture of me, {pulls out a cardboard cutout from the folder} waving like a tourist, {turns the cutout around and a closeup of it is shown, revealing a photo of Red waving while holding an oar} and then I just cut the thing out. Ain't that beautiful? Now you just carry this wherever you travel and when you see something you want your picture taken in front of, like, say the Taj Mahal or Frederick's of Hollywood, you just stand yourself up in front of it. Then all you do is just frame it just right.

{From the camera's point of view, it shows Red taking a picture of the Red cutout standing on the picnic table with the tower in the background.}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
ED FRID: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game!

''{The camera pulls back to reveal Ed standing behind the card table where Red and Brian Jacobs are seated. Ed takes out a pocket watch from under the table.}''

ED FRID: Today's prize is a pocket watch, for people who find that wearing a watch on your wrist is just too darn convenient. {picks up word sign} Red, you've got thirty seconds to get local funeral director Brian Jacobs to say this word...

''{Ed turns the word sign around. It displays on it the word "Immortal".}''

ED FRID: Immortal. Immortal! {puts the word sign down} Okay, and go!

RED GREEN: Alright, Brian, you know a lot about funerals and so on. What do you call a person that never dies?

BRIAN JACOBS: Bad for business.

RED GREEN: No no. What do Peter Pan and Dracula have in common?

BRIAN JACOBS: They suck.

RED GREEN: Okay, if a guy lives forever, he would be...

BRIAN JACOBS: ...very wrinkly.

RED GREEN: {snaps fingers} Okay, okay. You know, when people get older, they start thinking about this a lot.

BRIAN JACOBS: Viagra?

ED FRID: You're almost out of time, Red.

RED GREEN: Uh, okay. Okay, Brian, what do you call someone who just keeps coming back year after year forever?

BRIAN JACOBS: Uh, Alan Thicke.

RED GREEN: No, that's not what I was going at.

BRIAN JACOBS: He's everywhere on reruns of Growing Pains. They've immortalized him on that show.

RED GREEN: There you go! {rings the bell rapidly while Ed hands the pocket watch to Brian}

Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services
{Winston walks along past his truck and up to a wooden shed while carrying a green book.}}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You know, throughout human history, some of the world's greatest discoveries were made in the smallest room in the house. Archimedes discovered water displacement while sitting in the tub, and that's where Newton found out about gravity, and it's also where Da Vinci got the idea for the look on Mona Lisa's face. {stops next to a wooden outhouse and points at it} It all happened here, in the restroom. It's a sea of calm in a tempestuous world. That's why Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services is pleased to announce the launch of our very own... (shows off several books on a shelf attached to the outhouse} "Bathroom Classics of Literature". Order now and you'll receive...

{As Winston says the title and author of each book he mentions, the title and author appear on the screen, with the title in yellow italic text and the author in white text.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: William Somerset Maugham's The Moon and Sixpence, Margaret Mitchell's Gone With The Wind, Marcel Proust's Remembrance of Things Past.

{Yellow italic text reading "Shakespeare Collection" then appears on-screen.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Our Shakespeare Collection includes...

{The titles of William Shakespeare plays appear on-screen in yellow italic text as Winston says the name of each.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Taming of the Shrew, The Tempest and Much Ado About Nothing. It's my gift to you. I hope you enjoy.

''{The scene then cuts to a black screen on which yellow messages scroll from bottom to top at a hyper-fast speed over and over again while a man reads parts of it. For the purpose of this transcript and to avoid confusion, the script is provided by way of an "Adventures" setup:}''

{Cut back to Winston, now reading the green book in front of the outhouse.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: That's the "Bathroom Classics of Literature" series from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. {tears half a page off} Available while supplies last.

{Winston tosses the book onto the ground while entering the outhouse holding the torn-off half-page.}

Segue: Winston Rothschild
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Hi, Winston Rothschild here of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services with a lesson for you. There once was a young man from Turkey, whose septics were plugged up and murky. They blamed it on lead, from the pipes in the bed, when the culprit was too much beef jerky.

{Winston holds up his business card.}