Rain Man/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, back

when I was a kid

everybody wanted

to be a cowboy

like hop-a-long cassidy

or roy rogers

or even gene autrey

until he sang that

christmas song.

But the biggest kick

was wearing the cap guns.

Of course this was before

airport security.

But these cowboys like

me are the same ones

who refuse to

wear seatbelts.

To them it looks wussy.

If a cowboy can ride

a mustang across the

desert without one

then you should be able

to drive a pinto to the

mall without one.

So we have to find a way

to make seatbelts part

of the cowboy experience.

Okay, I've turned my seatbelt

into a pretend ammo. Belt.

Now instead of looking

like a crossing guard,

I look like john wayne.

Time to head em up

and move em out.

[ police sirens ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Big, big week up at

the lodge this week.

Yeah, yeah.

We're having a big

drought up here.

It hasn't rained

in a long, long time.

The fountain down at city

hall is blowing smoke

and the bird baths have

switched to dry cleaning.

Uncle red?

I had like a canteen

hidden in my room.

Yeah, I told you

not to tell anybody.

Unfortunately, you'd

already told me, so...

You drank the water?!

No, no, no.

The possum van

did, harold.

Well she was

overheating like crazy.

It was going to turn into

an espresso machine in there.

So, I mean --

hey, you don't want

to seize that engine.

Yes I do.

That engine's the reason

we don't have an ozone.

This drought is the

fault of you guys.

You know and your emissions.

Harold, the ozone

doesn't make it rain.

Oh no?

What does the ozone

do, uncle red?

[ laughter ]

the ozone filters

the sun's rays

so the earth doesn't

fry up like burrito.

And rain is caused by

the evaporation of water.

Which doesn't work

around here

because technically

possum lake is not water.

Hey harold,

it's a liquid,

that's close enough,

all right?

It's a blob.

It's jelly.

We don't have waves.

We have undulations.

This whole thing, you

know, it's your fault

because you've been throwing

vehicles and lawnmowers

and chainsaws in there

for the past 50 years.

You know what, harold,

for the first time ever

I think you're --

you could be and when

I think we're --

doesn't really matter

who's right or --

you know what, all we have

to do to fix the whole

thing is make it rain.

No! No, no, no.

You don't need

to make it rain.

You need to ask for

professional help.

You should talk.

Harold, we created

the problem.

We're going to

create the solution.

That's called being a man.

Ya, well I don't think

I want to be a man.

Looks like you're safe.

[ cheers and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner receives

this pass for a free visit

to crazy lou's leech farm

where our motto is there's

a sucker born every 2.3 seconds.

Okay, cover your

thingys, dalton.

Okay, mr. Green,

you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton humphrey

to say this word.

Okay, okay.

And go!

Okay dalton, this is something

you take to a funeral.

Business cards.

No, okay, no, okay.

These are colourful and

you find them everywhere

in the woods

around the lodge.

Empties.

No, okay, no, no.

This is pretty

and it has petals.

Malibu barbie pink bicycle.

Okay, no, no, no.

Okay.

This is something that

your wife wants from you.

It rhymes with tower.

Power.

No, no, no.

This is something you

would give your wife.

A wide berth.

Okay, no, no, okay, okay.

When you started going

out with anne-marie,

what would you take

with you on a date?

Ear plugs.

No, no, no.

Okay, okay.

These have long stems

and they're kind of

frilly on the end.

Women love them as gifts.

Dusters.

No.

We're almost out

of time, mr. Green.

Yeah, okay, okay.

I know.

Dalton, what does a bride

throw at a wedding?

Tantrum.

Anne-marie went ballistic.

I had to get a proctologist

to take the flowers out.

Yes!

[ bell ringing ]

welcome to harold's

hobby house

where we examine

not just the hobby

but the man

behind the hobby.

And when you think

of the man behind,

you think of

winston rothchild.

Winston's the

manager and staff

of winston rothchild's

sewage and septic

sucking services.

And winston, what

type of hobby

did you bring

for us tonight?

Well, harold, for the

last several years,

I've collecting home

décor accessories

with historical

significance.

Yeah, you know, like dishes

and vases and what have you.

Oh, well then,

what have you?

Okay, this first piece is a

turn-of-the-century candy bowl.

Would you care

for a prune?

Oh no, thank you.

Yeah, I don't like

them much myself

but they're great

for business.

This next piece

is a beautiful

wedgewood china serving

dish circa 1920.

The cookies are

a little more recent.

Well no cookies

for me, thank you.

Good call,

they're dog biscuits

but I thought they sort of

enhanced the presentation.

Yeah very much so

but I think I saw

one of our stagehands

eating a couple of those.

I was wondering why he was

licking himself like that.

Well, you know, of all

the pieces you have,

do you have a

favourite piece?

I do and I brought

it with me.

You did?

Well you asked

me to, harold.

This is a 19th century,

sterling silver tea service.

Shall I pour?

[ said with british accent ]

oh yes, please.

I really love tea.

Tea is delicious.

Well this is

a pekoe blend

with just a hint

of rose hemp.

Ooh.

Oh, it's delicious!

It is, that's --

you know what I

think is amazing

is that you have a hobby

that is so far removed

from what you do

for a living.

It's not that

far removed.

I fished each one of these

pieces out of septic beds.

[ applause ]

you know, there comes a time

in the life of any appliance

when it's over.

And then that time

comes you'll know.

But what do you do when

you have an old fridge

and stove that the

garbage men won't take

and you don't live

next to a ravine.

Well I guess if you're

real good with a can opener,

you could get rid of them

a little bit at a time

but if you're a handyman

or even better,

a handyman

with a teenager,

here's what you can do.

Step one, take the

top off the stove.

Step one, take the

back off the stove.

Take the door off

the stove.

Then you remove

the top and back

because once you get

the top and the back

off the unit,

this is no longer a stove,

it's an office chair for

your teenager's workstation.

Got a fully-reclining backrest,

a place to keep his books...

Or her books...

It's so hard to tell

with kids these days.

And here's an extra bonus,

retractable foot rest

so your kid doesn't get

carpel tunnel in his butt.

But how's he going to know

when his homework is done?

Well that's what this

homework timer is for.

Just set it to well done.

And for extra safety

and comfort,

I would suggest you

line the whole unit

with an air mattress

because I believe there

could be an exposed

sharp edge or two...

And I'm right.

Now here's a question.

Can I rig up these burners

to make a red, hot,

reading light?

No.

You know it's good

for a teenager to

sit in a stove

because you want him

in the hot seat

but you also want

him to be cool

so this fridge becomes

his computer desk

and that automatic

fridge light means

you don't need any of those

goofy-looking desk lamps.

Now the door is

kept horiontal

thanks to these little

chains I got from the bank.

They even have

pens on them.

The shelves are great

for holding my files

and these ice cube trays

handle all your office supplies.

And oh, what's that?

A mouse.

No wonder the cat

was in there.

And check this out,

the icemaker makes a

dandy pencil sharpener.

And that's how you turn a

couple of burned-out appliances

into a high-tech workstation.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Boy, this is educational.

I learned something.

[ cheers and applause ]

there's a big push

on these days

to make us all get into

high-definition television.

You know, those big

flat screen t.V.'s

that hang on your wall

with a better view

than any of your windows.

And they're focusing

the sales pitch

on guys my age because they

know we're the only ones

who have a chance of coming

up with that kind of cash.

The problem there

is those of us

from the 8-track generation

don't have the keen

senses to appreciate

the new technology.

What good is high-def

when you're half-deaf

and half-blind?

Sadly, this is just

another example

of not being to afford

something until it's too late

like open-heart surgery

or dance lessons

or underarm deodorant.

So the best approach

is to buy what you want

without waiting until

you can afford it.

That's what credit

cards are for.

And when the visa

bill comes in,

just pay it with

your american express.

By the time the

repo. Man shows up,

you'll have finished enjoying

whatever it was

you bought anyway.

Speaking of which, if my

bank manager is watching,

I'll be dropping the

hi-def t.V. Off

at your house right

after the playoffs.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ cheers and applause ]

if you can see the future,

that makes you a psychic.

If you can the past,

that makes you a customer.

I've been doing some research

on how to make it rain.

I went down to our

local public library.

Was it ever quiet in there.

I looked up cloud seeding.

Apparently all you got to

do is fire some chemicals

up into the clouds

and bingo, you got rain.

So I built myself

a little cannon,

emptied about a thousand

shotgun shells into her, there,

put in a wireless detonator

so that I can stand well back

when I fire it off

with my t.V. Remote.

I just got one more

chemical to stick in here

and we'll be good to go.

I should never leave

you unsupervised.

Harold, you can call

me the rain man.

I'm an excellent driver --

excellent driver.

Bang your head

on something, harold?

No, that's from the

movie the rain man.

Oh, I don't like any movies

that were made after 1959.

Oh, no, no,

there was one...

Duct tape something.

Check this out, harold.

All I got to do is

fire my cannon,

send the chemicals up on top

of those clouds out there.

See, I got the far end

attached to that tree

with no branches on it.

That's not a tree.

That's a high-tension

electric pole.

You know they seed

clouds with airplanes?

I know that harold.

You think I'm going

to hotwire a plane

and fly around

without a license?

That would be stupid

and dangerous.

Uncle red, you know

I never stop you

from doing

your crazy things.

That could be part

of the problem.

Well, exactly, exactly.

And I know you don't mean

to poison our atmosphere

and defoliate the trees

and end life as we know it.

Not when you put

it that way, no.

All right, so let's not

fire off the cannon,

let's do the smart thing.

All right, harold,

all right, yeah.

Really?

Yeah?

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay, okay,

that's good.

Because you know it might

rain on its own anyway.

It might rain.

You know what, let's check

it out on the weather channel.

Oh harold, no,

no, harold!

This adventure starts with

the difference between

dalton humphrey and a canoe.

A canoe tips.

Okay, the boys are going

out for a day of camping.

Watch the rope there.

Watct bill,

don't straddle a rope.

Don't ever... Oh boy.

You know what,

you can adopt.

So mike and ed get into

kind of an argument.

Bill's saying, why are

you arguing in nature's

beautiful environment?

Bill pulls out a telescope

and he just says,

it's just so beautiful.

Why don't you just enjoy

nature for all it is.

That's fine, he's right.

Just enjoy the day.

There's some bugs there.

You know, you get the

black flies and mosquitoes

and the deer flies.

This is getting crazy here

so they're slamming away

on each other and --

now ed has some kind of

an insect repellent

or something that's he got.

These two are --

now wait, that's a bit,

that's a bit much.

No, no, come on now.

Come on, now.

Easy now, come on now.

So ed has some type

of bug fogger and that's --

oh boy!

Turn her down.

Turn her down.

Turn her down.

But you know it,

it did the job.

It cleared the air --

cleared the air.

But they come back,

that's what I find anyway.

They come back so then

bill says I'm going

to go pitch the tent.

They got the screen

windows in it

and we can all get in there

and get out of the bugs.

It's one of these tents --

you know you kind of flash them

and they stand up on their own.

Okay now get in the tent.

Everybody get in the tent.

Get in the tent.

In the tent, way you go.

Get in the tent, yeah

and then zip the zipper.

Okay, there's a few bugs

in there but not very many

and within a few minutes

they realize --

okay, okay, they're good.

Everything's good.

It's good.

Then they feel something

coming up from underneath.

They pitched the tent

right over an ant hill.

So now they stand up

in a tent --

not a good idea.

Okay, plan b, they all

get into sleeping bags.

Bill takes his

telescope apart

and he's got

snorkles attached

so they can get inside,

zip themselves in

and still be able to breathe

just by leaving the

telescope outside.

What they didn't realize

is there are tarantulas

in our area and...

It's really only

a matter of time.

Ooh.

Okay, so it's time for

a total rethink.

They're going to just

get in the canoe

and get the heck out of there

and for all you animal

lovers out there,

the tarantula is just fine.

So they hop in the canoe

and here's something you

youngsters should learn,

no matter how hard you paddle,

you're not as strong

as a rope that's tied up.

So, finally --

you might want to think

about undoing the --

yeah, undo the rope there.

Just yank it.

Oh boy... Ooh!

They don't just head

back to the lodge,

they're making a bee line.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay...

Trying to seed the clouds

with my homemade cannon

was not a complete success.

Instead of a fine,

dispersal pattern,

the chemicals kind of all

glomed together and...

And splashed right

into possum lake

like a giant

pop rock

and then it started frothing

and bubbling and...

I tell you, I haven't

seen that much foam

since moose thompson

shaved his back.

I know, I know.

I know.

I've never seen a lake

evaporate before.

I know.

It was like a giant bromo.

Fish were falling

out of the sky.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

You should have seen

the one that got away.

You know, harold,

think about this,

there are people that

live their whole lives

and never see anything

like that though.

Oh, I envy them.

C'mon harold, look

at the bright side.

I mean, the lake will

eventually ooze back

into place

and meanwhile, we can

get all our appliances

and snowmobiles

off the bottom.

You know, uncle red,

that sometimes

when you make a mistake but

everything turns out hunky-dory.

No, I no, this is not

one of those times.

This is hunks of dorys.

No, it's hunky-dory.

What?

Well, the foam will extinguish

all the forest fires --

you're kidding?

Yeah, well the concussion from

the cannon being triggered off

well it caused this

atmospheric reaction

and apparently it's

raining in port asbestos

and it's heading this way.

Oh ho, ho, ho!

Hey, you know

what that means?

That means that my

idea and my ingenuity

and my instinct to

do something crazy

has once again

saved the day.

Huh? Huh?

Oh, no, no, no!

No, you did something

dumb, period.

Me? You're the one

who fired the cannon.

That was an accident.

Accidents happen.

Just ask your parents.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Well away you go, then.

Oh boy, wow.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

I'm kind of on a roll

so I'm thinking maybe we

should do something crazy.

Let's try to stay up

to 10 o'clock tonight.

I'm not quite sure how

we'll fill in the time

but I'm hoping my medication

will help me think of something.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself, harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge...

Keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

guys! Guys!

Sit down!

Sit down!

Guys!

Sit down back there!

Sit down guys, sit down.

Everybody sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man

but I can change

if I have to

I guess.

All right men, apparently

harold has an announcement

of some kind.

Well now since the

drought is over

so you should all

stop drinking beer.

[ lodge members ]

boo!!