Lunar Eclipse/Transcript

The complete transcript for Lunar Eclipse

Opening Scene
{Red is seen outside the lodge bending down to attach a worm-picker's pail onto his left foot with duct tape.}

RED GREEN: You know a man can get pretty hot walking around on a summer's day, especially if that man has a couple extra pounds on him and wears a lot of flannel. Here's a way to keep cool without having to wear sissy clothes. {finishes placing duct tape on the pail} Get yourself a worm-picker's pail, attach it to one foot. {stands up} Then what you need is a {grabs siphon hose} gas siphon hose like this one. You run the hose down inside the pail, up one pant leg, across, and down the other one, and you attach the pump of the siphon {points to his right foot, which is attached to one of the hose's pumps with duct tape} under your foot like that, so that every time you take a step, you're squeezing it. {squeezes the pump with his right foot} Then all you have to do is {grabs a large jug, filled with water and ice cubes, from a nearby worktable} fill up the worm pail with ice water.

{Red proceeds to pour the contents of the jug into the worm-picker's pail.}

RED GREEN: The more you walk, the cooler you feel.

{Red walks off towards the camera, with each step of his right foot squeezing the siphon hose's pump, causing it to squirt water, for a short distance before pausing.}

RED GREEN: {in high-pitched tone} Boy, that water's cold.

{Red resumes walking, turning to his left.}

Intro
''{Red enters the Lodge, waving. The audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Boy, it's pretty exciting up at the Lodge. We're having a lunar eclipse in a couple of days. Around here, that only happens about every 35 years, a little more often if there's a tire fire. Yeah, I want all the guys to get together and go up to Rock Reef Point and watch it from up there just like we did 35 years ago.

{Dalton and Mike excitedly walk into the lodge.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, that's a firm go, Red, we're all set.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, did you clear that up with Anne-Marie?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh ho ho. I don't have to clear it with Anne-Marie. If I say I'm going, I'm going!

MIKE HAMAR: Anne-Marie's at her mother's this week.

RED GREEN: I see. Well, you know, you gotta be there, I'll tell you. Only happens every 35 years. Junior's going, Buster's going, Moose is going. Old Man Sedgewick says no, he's already been to the last three.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {crosses arms} Is Stinky Peterson going?

RED GREEN: Well, probably. You know, it's hard to keep the stink man away from a party. That's gonna be great, it'll be fine. And you know something else? The eclipse doesn't happen till midnight, so I'm thinking, why don't we just camp overnight, just like we did 35 years back?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh geez, that was a long time ago. We were all back in high school then!

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, I was in French immersion reform school.

RED GREEN: Wow, did you learn any French there?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh yeah. {pauses} "Bonjour! C'est le seul le combination?" {pauses again} Uh, that means um, "Good day! Who can open the safe?"

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, I remember the bunch of us there that make pretty wet behind the years, eh?

RED GREEN: Once the rain started, we were pretty wet behind everything!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah!

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, it was a while back, eh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh yeah. Boy, we sure didn't know much about life back then, huh? Certainly didn't understand women!

RED GREEN: Oh, then it could've been that long ago.

{Red, Mike and Dalton turn and leave the Lodge.}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
MIKE HAMAR: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

{The camera pulls back to reveal Mike standing behind the card table where Red and Ed are sitting.}

MIKE HAMAR: Today's winner will get to spend the whole day as the town mascot! {grabs a head costume of a cat from under the table, shows it off as Ed freaks out, then places it back under the table} Okay, cover your ears, Ed. {Ed does so} Mr. Green, you got 30 seconds to get Ed to say this word. {turns sign around to show audience; word is...} Nervous. Nervous!

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: {setting sign down on table} And go! {Ed uncovers his ears}

RED GREEN: Okay, Ed, how are you feeling?

ED FRID: Very relaxed, Red, thanks.

RED GREEN: Okay, but when you're not relaxed, you're...

ED FRID: ...easy prey?

RED GREEN: You know that {points towards the audience} when most people get on television like this, in front of a huge audience, you know, they feel very...

{Cut to Ed feeling speechless with his mouth open as he faces towards the audience.}

RED GREEN: Ed? Ed? Ed!

ED FRID: {startled} Oh, what?

RED GREEN: All right, all right, all right, just calm down. What do you call it when you get a dry mouth and you break out in a cold sweat?

ED FRID: A workday.

MIKE HAMAR: You're almost out of time, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Okay, Ed, suppose you're up a ladder, trying to get a raccoon off somebody's roof, and it turns and snarls at you, okay? That makes you...

ED FRID: ...wet my pants.

RED GREEN: Oh, okay, okay. But what does it do to the guy holding the ladder?

ED FRID: Well, makes him pretty nervous, I tell you.

RED GREEN: There we go! {rings bell to end game as Mike places the mask on Ed's head, causing Ed to look around in disbelief}