Possum Lodge Radio/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Thank you very much.

We're having trouble

with the phone lines.

(ringing)

excuse me a minute.

Stop using the phone.

Excellent phone manners.

It started when

harold hooked up

his combination fax/modem

and waffle toaster.

Welded everybody's

phone lines together

so we all get every call.

(ringing)

that's my computer friends.

Wrong number.

(applause and cheering)

that was clever.

What will we do now?

The phone system won't be fixed

by the phone company.

They keep carping

about unpaid bills,

as if that's gonna make

any difference.

We're switching

to a better system.

We're going back to c.B.

Downwind danger --

come in, downwind danger.

Downwind

danger?

Stinky peterson.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): I'll show you how to

make your own pay phone booth,

buzz will bring us a barrage

of opinion without any point,

I'll try to get mike

to finally accept

responsibility,

and garth harble will try

and bag a few geese.

(junior singleton on radio)

it's not raining here, either.

You're not that far away.

I see you out the window.

(talking)

I'm not gonna wave.

(talking)

oh, for gosh sakes.

Over and out.

How's the communication

network working out?

Not bad.

You always get guys

that abuse the system.

Most men don't want

someone to talk to.

They want someone

to listen to them.

Single guys are the worst.

They can't get it at home,

is how that one goes.

You know what you should do?

Instead of having

the phone lines repaired,

you should have them upgraded.

Get call display.

You could see the number

of the person

that you don't want to talk to,

unless they got

that display block thing.

Then you gotta get interactive

and have them forwarded

to your voice mail.

Harold, you have me confused

with a suggestion box.

I've divided every day

into hours,

and each guy gets an hour

to do all his communicating.

I got 9:00 to 10:00 p.M.

On Thursday.

What hours do I get?

Am I on there?

Yeah, you have 3:00

to 4:00 a.M., Tuesday morning.

Darn, it's the same time slot

as this show.

(red): Bill's radio show

is gonna feature bowling.

Stay tuned for that.

He's just practising right now.

It's 10-pin,

isn't it, bill?

Oh, no, it's two-pin.

That is not the peace sign.

Okey-doke, this is the big one!

For the grand prize

of free herbicide and pesticide

from moira's house

of skin care,

you have 30 seconds

to make mr. Hamar say...

This word.

Thirty seconds -- begin.

All right, uh,

obligation.

Parole.

No, no, your job.

(sighing)

mandatory supervision.

No, no, when something

goes wrong, it's your...

... Reason to leave town

and start a new life?

Uh, your

behaviour

is your..

Downfall.

Start a new approach, here.

Um, your wife

and your

child are...

In alberta.

(audience laughing)

I think.

No, no, no.

Atlanta?

No, georgia.

Mike, legally, they are your...

Monthly instalment.

Are you concentrating

here, mike?

I'm giving it all I've got,

mr. Green.

Really? Holy smoke.

All right, all right.

Say you're the leader.

Then you have...

Guns, guard dogs...

You're almost out of time,

uncle red.

Ok, mike, h-h-hold it.

If something goes wrong

and you're to blame,

you have...

Culpability.

If it's not the first time

it happened, you have...

Convictability.

So you want

to avoid...

Responsibility!

(ringing bell)

(applause and cheering)

♪ oh, get your

rods out, boys ♪

♪ and let your sinkers fly ♪

♪ set your hooks and lures ♪

♪ but be sure

not to catch them ♪

♪ in any part of your eye ♪

♪ I know we've had our fun ♪

♪ with cards and jokes

and beer ♪

♪ but if I don't go home

with at least one fish ♪

♪ my wife won't let me

come back next year ♪

that's true.

I'm sure our c.B. Radio thing

will work out all right,

but just in case it doesn't

and we must go back

to the regular phone system,

I thought I'd show you how you

can make your phone profitable.

I'll show you how to make

your own pay phone booth.

Start off with

the one pay phone booth,

and as you're successful,

maybe get a chain of them,

eventually have candice bergen

do your t.V. Ads.

The main thing you need

is a coin-operated door,

like this one

on this newspaper box.

You could use the door off

a pay toilet or a bank vault,

but this is easier

to throw into the van

when nobody's looking.

First you gotta get the bolts

off the bottom, there.

There we go, and she should

just pop right off,

I would think.

(grunting)

oh, for gosh sakes.

I hope this project's worth

the cash investment.

Pick a building that's

the right size and personality

for a phone booth.

The barn's too big,

the shed isn't lockable.

This is perfect.

All right, first get the door

off the outhouse.

(air horn blasting)

amazing how fast things rust

around an outhouse.

I'm sure there's

a scientific theory,

but we know the real reason.

The first thing you gotta do is

to attach your coin-operated

door to the outhouse.

You could bolt it on

or wire 'er on,

but I prefer to use something

that won't rust.

The handyman's secret weapon,

duct tape.

I've got the phone mounted

on the wall in there.

All I have to do is add

the possum lake phone book

and the yellow pages.

All right, yellow page.

Once the phone system

gets going,

I'll be raking in the coin.

The beauty of using an outhouse

as my phone booth is

there's a dual purpose here.

You can answer two calls

at once.

Got an extra

business line here.

And even the newspaper

has more than one application.

If you got one

of them teenagers

who ties up the phone

for hours,

having the phone

in the outhouse

with the aroma going

will nip that in the bud.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

(creaking)

for gosh sakes.

Harold, you got a quarter?

Harold?

Harold!

Come on, harold.

Emergency call.

You won't want to miss

ranger gord's infomercial.

Want to talk about an evening

we've all gone through.

Had a quiet day at work.

You've had dinner,

watched some television,

and you can hardly

keep your eyes open.

You think about sleeping

on the couch,

which is usually

your wife's suggestion.

You figure, "no, I've got

enough energy to go to bed.

"I won't put on

all my pyjamas."

there's only one problem

with this plan.

It's only 8:30.

(audience laughing)

8:30, and you can hardly

stay awake.

That is pathetic.

If you have any hope

of staying up after 9 o'clock,

you'll have to take a nap

in the afternoon.

This can be inconvenient

unless you work

for the government,

but you're gonna have to find

a way to do it.

In the old days,

you'd stay up all night

and go straight in to work.

You'd spend a weekend partying

and you'd never lie down --

at least, not for sleeping.

The sleep you need now

is to make up for the rest

you didn't get back then.

So relax and have a nap.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(applause)

oh, man, can't take

any more of that.

"the buster hadfield hour".

Sixty minutes of zither music.

You'd have to be an idiot

to listen to that.

( ♪ ♪ ♪ )

what? What?

After the first week,

the guys had pretty well said

everything they could think of.

A lot kept talking anyway.

Others switched

to different kinds of music.

Some started getting guests

on their shows.

I got guests on my shows.

I got kathie lee gifford

and I got g. Gordon liddy.

The topic is hobbies.

You got them for sure?

No, I left an e-mail message

on the internet.

I'm hoping someone

relays it to them.

I understand regis is wired.

(audience laughing)

anyway, our phone system

has turned into a radio station

with the worst programmes

you ever heard in your life.

Moose thompson's show is

"what I ate today".

"stinky peterson,

up close and hazardous."

"the old man sedgwick

inspirational hour."

I heard that one.

Does he speak latin

or did he have his teeth out?

I don't mind competition,

but these guys are taking it

so seriously.

There's one way to fix it.

You could have the phone

systems repaired

and cancel all the shows.

No, not all the shows, harold.

I don't know if you have

a sense of the ratings,

but I own Thursday night.

"red's e-z listening

harmonica house."

(audience laughing)

hey, buzz sherwood

with safety first!

(shouting)

... Ringing the bells!

Don't you worry, no way!

There will be

blood everywhere!

So, point is, hold the gun,

shoot it...

(shouting)

ok!

Hi, gord.

Oh, hi, red.

I'd love to talk,

but it is 50 cents.

What the heck

you got going on here?

With the budget cuts

at the forestry department,

I'm helping them bridge

the financial crunch.

They haven't sent me

a paycheque in over a decade.

That's a huge funding gap.

That would be

a communication gap.

What do I get for 50 cents,

anyway?

Well, general information,

mostly,

but also fire danger reports,

weather reports,

and a beautiful,

breath-taking view

from high atop

fire watch-tower 13.

All right, I'll bite.

You got 50 cents, harold?

Come on.

There we go.

Great.

And 50 cents for harold.

Come on, harold.

Haven't got it.

Sorry, harold,

can't use the stairs.

Go up the outside.

You'll be fine.

Wow!

You're my first customer

today, red.

Gord, I'm

your only customer ever.

I could probably get

quite a few tourists.

People love to climb

high towers.

Look at

the washington monument,

the eiffel tower,

statue of liberty...

Or the c.N. Tower in toronto.

There's a tower in toronto?

Oh, yeah.

Next thing you know,

they'll have a baseball team.

Well, they did for a while.

(whistling)

oh, harold, finally!

Welcome.

Thanks for dropping in, harold.

What now, ranger gord?

Well, first, the fire

safety report -- it's low.

Next, the weather report --

it's fine, great.

Souvenir shop is open.

Ranger gord doll...

Oh, boy, what's that?

That's my tower.

Holy smoke.

Nothing for me, thanks, gord.

I'll give a short talk

on the history

of fire watch-tower 13.

Oh, man, no, I've already had

my 50 cents' worth.

Thank you, gord.

Oh, ok, great.

(coins rattling)

it's the easiest money

I ever made.

It's the only money

I ever made.

Attention, handymen.

If a piece of metal's too long,

you can shorten it

with tin snips.

Remember, any tool

can be the right tool.

Man!

(laughing)

what is it with people?

C.B. Was supposed to be

a fun way to communicate.

Somebody figures out

a way to make money

and everybody starts

taking it too seriously.

No matter what it is in life,

when money's involved,

it's not fun any more.

Easy for you to say --

you're married.

I don't know what that is

but make sure

I'm out of the building

before you plug it in.

It's a signal booster.

I'm making it out of

my old "close and play".

It's gonna increase the reach

of "harold's hip-hop sock hop".

That's gonna make

my sponsor happy.

You got a sponsor?

What? Acne cream?

No, no, stodgy's pickles --

the old-fashioned-experience

pickle.

The pickle

that keeps on giving.

Everybody's taking it

so seriously,

getting guests,

getting sponsors.

The guests want bus fare

and doughnuts.

Then they need

bigger audiences.

They're starting

to weld ladders together

so they got a bigger antenna.

They're putting clotheslines

with stove wires on them.

It's getting to be a real pain.

Have you seen

jimmy grissle's show?

It's called "shock radio",

and it's shocking, too.

It's worse than the names

kids call me on the school bus.

You been eating

too many pickles.

Not just any pickles --

stodgy's pickles.

Pickles grown in the shade

for a greener green

and a more natural flavour.

Now, there's a slogan.

Stodgy's pickles, for people

who want a pickle

where the sun don't shine.

Hi, ranger gord here.

Mail service here is not great.

In the 16 years I've been here,

I haven't received

one paycheque.

Mom, none of your letters

got through.

Red has allowed me

to use this air time

to send you a personal message.

Thank you very much.

Mom, since I left,

it's always been on my mind,

but I never asked.

Did I leave the kettle on?

(red): As I tried to warn you,

bill had decided to dedicate

his radio programme

to... Bowling.

Not really the ideal game,

I would think,

to play on the radio,

but then again, I'm not bill,

and I'm thankful for that.

Yeah, he's broadcasting live

from the back

of possum lodge...

As live as he gets,

which is way too live.

I made a few comments,

character assassination,

that type of thing.

What are you gonna do?

He's gonna set up the pins.

We're gonna have

a bowling game.

I had his radio for him.

Various weights of the balls.

There's a very light one.

Anyway, you got

some five-pin balls

mixed in with those, bill.

That's a 10-pin ball.

Why don't you put that down?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

You want to sit down--

you want to stay well back.

You threw that straight up.

It will be back soon.

Oh, my.

Ouch! Ohhh!

That can't be good.

We broke his radio,

so we're making progress.

I'll get that, bill.

Oh, boy, oh, boy!

Sitting out in the sun,

the black balls absorb heat.

The balls almost change

their form.

Got kind of spongy on us

and...

Oh my gosh.

Big clean-up job?

Oh, just wipe that...

Never mind.

All right, we created

some shade with a lawn chair.

Bill grabs a 10-pin ball.

The thing with bowling, some

people feel they have to cheat.

What about the foul--

bill, the foul--

we haven't got a foul line.

That's cheating.

You gotta put something--

grab the pitchfork,

grab the pitchfork.

Now you just don't go by that.

Bill thought

that's way too dangerous.

Oh!

He thought he would maybe

take the dangerous part

off the pitchfork.

That's called the tines,

so he was...

If you had some line-dance

music going right now,

you'd swear

you were watching t.N.N.

He's trying to get

the handle off,

and there she goes.

Oh, here comes

the handle -- ow!

I can carry the flag

in the parade now.

All right, so there's our line.

I don't know --

I think 10-pin is just

too rigourous for me.

The pins are too far away.

Bill, lots of juice.

Let 'er go!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Head down the ravine...

I guess-- uh-oh!

Stinky's car!

Man! Man!

Tough to explain.

Let's count our score.

Bill, you've got --

let's see -- two strikes.

I got a spare.

Stay tuned

to see harold listening

to his sony "dork-man".

Garth harble here,

animal control,

with another feature

on animals in your life.

Come on in, red.

Where did you get the hand?

Mime school?

I was pulling rats

out of a basement sewer trap.

My watch band came off.

Rats really like shiny things.

I had to give one a bite

to get it back.

That sounds awful dangerous.

No, just another super day

on the job.

For you kids who may be going

to college, here's an example

of what a fine arts degree

can do for you.

Got an animal feature?

Huh?

Animal feature?

Oh, oh, oh, yes.

Geese, canada geese.

Sure.

Magnificent bird,

beautiful flyer,

but boy, they got

a large intestine

like a sausage machine.

I gotta get a pack of them

out of possum park.

Everybody's complaining

about the geese in the park.

About eating the grass

and droppings and whatnot?

More that the meat is so tough

and real greasy.

It's sometimes hard to swallow.

I'm gonna forget I heard that.

All right, fine.

Give me a hand.

All right.

What are you gonna do

with the geese?

I'm taking 'em

to my boss's house.

He and his wife

are on vacation.

He ordered me to cut his grass.

That's not a good idea.

They're filthy animals,

you know.

Oh, I know, red,

but so are the geese.

(applause and cheering)

it's "male call"!

(applause)

all right.

I got... I got the letter

today and...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Got some pictures, harold.

You take the letter.

Always love it when people send

pictures of their camping trips

or fishing trips

or handyman projects.

It makes us feel better

about the stuff we mess up.

Well, all righty, apparently--

no, no, no, let me guess.

Not the greatest pictures.

Looks like a wild animal.

Could be a sea creature

of some kind.

"dear red, here are pictures

"of my wife giving birth

to our daughter."

oh my gosh!

I don't want to see that!

What?

Ohhhhh!

Take a look!

No! No!

That's a... Birth is beautiful.

Ohhh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Look at that!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

(laughing)

whoa!

Boy, oh boy, look at that!

Ohhh!

Garth harble here,

animal control,

reminding you that the best way

to spot animals

is by studying

the tracks they leave.

The worst way is by...

Studying their... Bite marks.

(static on radio)

well, the possum lodge

radio station

is officially off the air

as of midnight last night.

What are you listening to,

harold?

Nothing.

I know -- possum radio network

shut down.

Oh, ok.

How long were you gonna listen

to dead air, harold?

How long were you gonna talk?

(audience laughing)

(applause and cheering)

not easy when you got him

on one side

and the government

on the other.

That's what killed

the radio station.

I built a huge transmitter.

I duct-taped bags of christmas

tinsel to a douglas fir.

Was I getting a signal

out there.

I was getting calls

from tibet, timbuctu,

and, unfortunately, ottawa.

The government wanted to know

if I had

a broadcaster's licence.

I said I got

a learner's permit.

We should get

a licence.

We could have

our own station.

I don't want the government

in my life.

I don't need anybody else

telling me what to do.

Ok, forget that, then.

We should get

a television

station.

I want to have fun.

I don't call television fun.

You don't

call this fun?

I don't call this television.

(possum squeal)

it's meeting

time.

You go ahead, harold.

I'll be right down.

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming home

after the meeting.

Now that I'm not

in the radio business --

I'm no longer king

of Thursday night --

maybe I can go back to being

prince of Saturday morning.

For the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(whistling)

(applause)

(possum squeal)

(harold): All rise.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(harold): There you go.

Anyone driving a 1986 car

or newer,

raise both hands like that.

Closed captions

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Boy, this is too much!