Angel/Transcript

The complete transcript for Angel''

Opening Scene
{Outside the lodge, Red walks up past the parked Possum Van, with its driver-side door open.}

RED GREEN: If you've ever driven off the main road to avoid cops or whatever, then you've probably gone by some old farmhouse that had some frantic dog come chasin' after your vehicle. {makes a braking motion, followed by throwing his arms around to simulate swerving} Then you start slowing down or swerving all over the place. That just gives the dog confidence. He thinks he's winning. Well, here's a simple trick to help you avoid the whole situation.

''{Red walks up to the back of the van. A piece of copper pipe is duct-taped to the hitch. The other end of the pipe has a plush toy of a dog stuck in it, hovering in mid-air}''

RED GREEN: Just take a piece of copper pipe, stick it into a toy dog out the back of your vehicle. It's that simple. Just make sure that you stick it into the right end. {walks back up to the driver-side door} When other dogs see that fake dog bouncin' along behind your vehicle, they'll think, "Oh, boy! I can relax for a change. {closes door} This one's covered."

''{Red drives off in the van, the back wheels throwing up dust in the air. The road is pretty rough, as it shakes the pipe sticking out the end of the van. The dog in turn bounces up and down on the pipe as the van drives along.}''

Intro
''{Red enters the lodge, waving to the cheering audience. He holds up both hands to wave the cheering down.}''

RED GREEN: All right, yeah. {rubs hands together} Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Actually, {gestures behind himself with thumb} just had a brush with death. And I don't mean my wife finding out how much I spend on fishing gear either. I'm talkin' about the real thing. {points to the front door} Dalton and I pull into the parking lot, and I hear this loud crack. And I jump out just a maple tree crashes right through the roof of the Possum Van!

{The door opens again and Dalton comes in, rubbing his eyes and his forehead.}

RED GREEN: Oh, boy.

DALTON HUMPHREY: I'm tellin' you, Red, somebody up there was lookin' out for you.

RED GREEN: {to Dalton} Well, whoever's lookin' out for you needs glasses, Dalton. {to camera, pointing to floor} Dalton was bent over, {makes a picking-up motion with his hand} trying to pick a nickel up off the floor. {chuckles; back to Dalton} How are you doin'? You all right?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, everything's copacetic.

RED GREEN: Okay...

DALTON HUMPHREY: {holds up nickel} And I found it.

RED GREEN: All right! {he and Dalton laugh}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, I must have an angel, too, huh?

RED GREEN: Now, what do mean "too"? I don't believe in that stuff.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Really?

RED GREEN: No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You don't believe that there are beings keepin' an eye on where we are and what we're doin' and know exactly what we're thinkin'?

RED GREEN: Yeah, but they're called wives, Dalton. {nods}

DALTON HUMPHREY: So you're tellin' me that you don't believe in the supernatural?

RED GREEN: No, I don't. No, no.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Nothin'? No horoscopes or ghosts or Ouija boards or...

RED GREEN: No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: What's that other thing I'm thinkin' of?

RED GREEN: E.S.P.?

DALTON HUMPHREY: That's it.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} No. No. No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: What about telekinesis? You know, moving things with your mind?

RED GREEN: Well, now, that one, yeah, 'cause one time I saw Buster Hadfield lay on his couch and made his wife move to Port Asbestos. {walks toward front door}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
DALTON HUMPHREY: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game! {walks over to a table where Red and Mike are seated; holds up a set of car keys} Yes, sir, And today's prize is an RV!

MIKE HAMAR: Wow!

DALTON HUMPHREY: In this case, "RV" means Red's van.

RED GREEN: Hey, wait a minute! You can't give away my van.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Just for a day, Red.

RED GREEN: All right. {to Mike} It'll need gas.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Playin' for today's prize is Mike Hamar. Red, you've got thirty seconds to get Mike to say this word...

''{Mike covers his ears as Dalton picks up the word sign. He turns it around to show the audience. The word is "Hurry".}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: "Hurry". "Hurry".

RED GREEN: All right, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {sets sign down and steps back} And go! {Mike uncovers his ears}

RED GREEN: All right. Uh, Mike, somebody's chasin' you, so you're in a...

MIKE HAMAR: Stolen car?

RED GREEN: Um, okay, you're in a car, goin' a little faster than you should, and the cops pull you over, and they say, "Hey, what's the big..."

MIKE HAMAR: "...automatic weapon?"

RED GREEN: No, let's– let's go back to your childhood. Remember you mum would say, "Don't eat so fast! There's no..."

MIKE HAMAR: "...seconds."

RED GREEN: All right. This is an expression. You're in a long, slow line at the bank, and it's no moving as fast as it should be 'cause the teller's moving kinda slow, so you yell, "Something up!"

MIKE HAMAR: "Stick 'em!"

RED GREEN: {shakes head} No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Time's almost up, Red.

RED GREEN: Come on, Mike. You gotta do this, or you won't win the game.

MIKE HAMAR: Cheat?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no! Not cheat, not cheat. No, you just– You gotta be quicker, or you won't get to drive my van.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, actually, I'd rather walk. See, I'm kinda in a hurry.

RED GREEN: There we go!

{Red rings the bell to end the game as Dalton hands Mike the keys to the Possum Van.}

MIKE HAMAR: Here's the keys.

{Mike holds up his hands, as though trying to politely decline.}

Harold at the Office
''{Two people walk past Harold's desk. He sits and spins in his chair with his feet up off on the ground and on the seat. Red then walks up, holding a bag.}''

RED GREEN: Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: Hey, Uncle Red! {slows to a stop}

RED GREEN: How you doin'?

HAROLD GREEN: Good! Good. {gets up} I'm on a break.

RED GREEN: Great! {gestures toward desk} Gives you a couple of minutes to take a look at some of the stuff I brought you for your work space, here.

HAROLD GREEN: Stuff? You brought stuff?

RED GREEN: {sits on edge of desk} Yeah, you know, just a few mementos from the lodge, you know?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, well, it's not like I'm never comin' back up to the lodge, or anything. {Red takes out a picture of him and Harold in lodge outfits} You don't have to bring stuff down to me 'cause– That's a big picture, isn't it?

RED GREEN: That's big one, eh?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah!

RED GREEN: Isn't that a beauty?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, that's of– That's of me and you in our lodge clothing.

RED GREEN: Lodge clothing, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: {visibly uncomfortable; looks around} Up at the lodge... Surrounded by lodge stuff...

RED GREEN: Worth a thousand words, isn't it?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. Couple are comin' to mind right now.

RED GREEN: Good, good.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, the problem is... Oh, I do not have a wall to hang this on.

RED GREEN: No problem, Harold. {turns picture around, revealing a stand} Look at this. See? Got a stand on it. {puts picture on desk} Let's her stand right up all on her own.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, that's– That's– That's in my staple zone! {holds up stapler in front of picture} That's where I do all the stapling. {makes stapling motions} That's– That's high-business stapling I do there. {brightens up} I got an idea! I got an idea. {takes picture} I know exactly where I can stuff this.

RED GREEN: Really?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. {puts picture inside scanner} Into my scanner, you see. And then I'll scan the image. It'll go into my computer and I'll use that as a screen saver. That's– This is where it'll be.

RED GREEN: But Harold, then you'll only be able to see it when you're not working.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I don't do much work. I do so little work, it's scary.

RED GREEN: Oh, I get it, Harold. You're ashamed of the lodge. That's what it is, isn't it?

HAROLD GREEN: No! No, no, no. No, no. No, it's just that... No, what it is, is that if I look at this picture all day long, I'm gonna start day dreaming. I'll be fantasizing about, you know, maybe if fish could swim in Possum Lake, you know? {Red nods} You know, I'll never get any work done.

RED GREEN: All right. Okay. I see where you're comin' from.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. Yeah.

RED GREEN: Okay. Okay. {takes out a pen stand from bag with a hoof next to it} I guess this here is out of the question, is it?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes, yes, it would.

RED GREEN: All right.

Handyman Corner
''{Red stands outside a shed out beyond the lodge. Next to him is a cast-iron stove. An extension ladder leans against the shed. He points to the open upper floor of the shed.}''

RED GREEN: My wife, Bernice, tells me it would be real nice to have heat in the upper level of the shed here. And when you've been married as long as I have, you accept that your wife's decisions are not only final, they're also relentless. The bottom line is, {gestures toward stove} I gotta figure out a way to get this cast-iron wood stove up to the second floor. {walks up to ladder} I suppose I could horse the unit up onto my back and then carry it up this ladder here. {puts ladder under upper floor opening} But that would be the equivalent of puttin' all my vital organs into a blender. Bein' on a ladder with an extra 150 pounds on my back is the reason middle-aged guys don't elope. But an extension ladder is still a big part of my plan. {pulls on rope on ladder, causing it to extend slightly} See how it goes up when I pull on this rope, here? Remember that. It's a hint.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red drives up in a pickup truck and gets out.}''

RED GREEN: All right, here's another piece of the puzzle: {pulls out a pair of cross-country skis from the trunk} cross-country skis. Every couple of years, some health freak gives me a pair of these. Cross-country skiing is kinda like downhill, but with the fun removed. I'll tell you, if I start cross-country skiing, it's only a matter of time before I'm eatin' broccoli and watchin' the Learning Channel. {hits skis against trunk hood, breaking them in half} Oh, darn, they're broken. {pulls on power winch on front of truck} Oh, here's a key component you're gonna need, too: a power winch, eh? You got one of these on the front of your vehicle? I tell you, if I had a nickel for every drainage ditch, sand trap, or swimming pool this unit has pulled me out of, those darned lawsuits would take care of themselves. All right, these are for pullin' stuff out, but they can also be used for pullin' stuff up.

''{Red nods. Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the extension ladder to the front of the pickup truck. He has tied the rope on the ladder to the power winch. The bottom of the ladder has the skis duct-taped to that.}''

RED GREEN: Can you say forklift? Now all I gotta do is hook the winch here on to the ladder, and when I hit the power, up she goes. Let's giver 'er a go.

''{Red gets into the truck again and starts it up. He pulls the truck up in front of the wood stove and places the skis under it. He then turns the power on the winch, causing the forklift to raise up. But when the skis lift up under the stove, it weighs down the front of the truck, while the back of which is lifted into the air. Red stops the truck and gets out, noticing what happened.}''

RED GREEN: Looks like we're gonna need some ballast.

''{Red walks off. Wipe to a later scene. Red has loaded the back of the pickup trunk with heavy objects, including several oil drums, a dryer and tractor tires.}''

RED GREEN: All right, that's got it. {chuckles} This is so much easier than carrying the stove up there. {gets back into truck} So remember... {turns on truck} if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{He turns on the winch power, which causes the forklift to easily raise the wood stove into the air. Once it's at the right height for the upper floor of the shed, Red then gingerly drives the forklift up to the platform by the open door of the upper floor. He then lowers the forklift to set the wood stove down on the platform.}''

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you middle-aged guys out there for a minute. You know, there's an expression: "The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree." Okay, in human terms that means, "Like father, like son." And in most cases, that's a pretty scary thought. Especially as you head towards retirement and that inevitable moment when your offspring not only look like you, they start lookin' after you. You don't want them to be like you, believe me. So you gotta start settin' a better example right now. Now, I'm not sayin' you have to quit bein' that lazy apathetic guy you've worked so hard to become. Just not in front of the kids, or as I call them, your future caregivers. You need to come up with a few moments of hard work and responsible behavior 'cause you want them to be more responsible, and you're runnin' outta time. Think about it. You don't want anyone like you makin' your meals, drivin' you around, and supervising your medication. So you want that apple to fall as far away from the tree as possible. Maybe even roll down a hill! Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 2
''{Dalton enters the lodge, holding a pack of cards.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: C'mon in, Red. {Red comes in} I am gonna convince you that there is such a thing as psychic power, and I'm gonna do it in front of witnesses.

RED DGREEN: If you could read my mind, Dalton, you wouldn't even try this, you know.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {holds up card deck} Pick a card. Pick a card.

RED GREEN: {taking card} All right, I'll pick a card.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Okay, now stare at it. {Red does so} Concentrate. Send a mental picture of that card to me. {holds up hand in front of his face} Are you thinkin' of naked women?

RED GREEN: {shakes head} No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, no, no, that must be me. Okay, all right, concentrate on that card.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Is it the three of clubs?

RED GREEN: No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: The four of clubs?

RED GREEN: No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: It's a club, though, right?

RED GREEN: No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: It's a black card, is what I meant. It's a black card.

RED GREEN: No, it's not.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {snatches card away} Oh, let me see that! {looks at it} Oh, there it is. {sighs} The trouble is, Red, that you don't believe in it!

RED GREEN: No, no, no. I don't believe in it because it doesn't work.

{Mike enters the lodge.}

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, do you wanna see me, Mr. Humphrey?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, Mike. I'm trying to convince Red here the power of the mind, and I think you can help me 'cause Moose Thompson said that you believe in angels.

RED GREEN: No, no, no. Mike believes in angles.

MIKE HAMAR: No, no. No, I have an angel. He looks out for me; kinda keeps me outta trouble.

DALTON HUMPHREY: There you go, you see? That's what I mean.

MIK HAMAR: Yeah, he lives up back of my place.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {suddenly nervous} Yeah, okay, Mike, {laughs} let's not go too far.

RED GREEN: Okay, Mike, the angel lives behind your house?

MIKE HAMAR: Yes, sir.

RED GREEN: {chuckles} Does he have wings?

MIKE HAMAR: Yep.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, Mike, gee... {laughs nervously} Boy, I know what you're trying to do, {makes a cutting motion across his neck with his hand} but let's, uh, let's think about what we're sayin' here, you know?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no. I'm... {chuckles} I'm almost convinced. You know, what would make it work great, though? If you could bring that angel over where I could meet him. That would be the clincher.

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, sorry. No. No. Um, see, he's real shy.

RED GREEN: Oh, no... {shakes head} That's a shame, because we were so close to a breakthrough.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, maybe I can convince him to come down to the lodge meeting tonight, if you're that convinced you wanna meet him.

RED GREEN: Well, that'd be great. {takes out his wallet} You know, I'm not a betting man, but I'd be willing to put up, say, ten bucks that says Mike can't get his angel to show up at the lodge meeting. {takes out ten dollars}

MIKE HAMAR: All right, Mr. Green, I'll take that bet, on one condition: that you make the same bet with Mr. Humphrey. That way, when I bring my angel in, you'll have to pay us each ten bucks.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, no, that's okay, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: No, no, Mr. Humphrey, you deserve it. You stuck by me when Mr. Green wouldn't, and I think that you deserve that opportunity to make some easy cash.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, I do, too, Dalton. {Dalton takes out his wallet to remove ten dollars} Okay, gentlemen, let's see your money.

MIKE HAMAR: {to Dalton} Uh, can you lend me ten bucks? {Red laughs}

Mike's Teen Talk
''{Mike walks through the lodge basement, trying to hold what looks like a huge wrench. He suddenly looks up to spot that he's on camera.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, hey. How are ya? {tries to hide wrench behind his back, then looks at his watch} Oh, right! Uh, it's time for "Mike's Teen Talk".

''{Mike drops the wrench, which hits the ground and shakes it a bit. He walks up to a small table.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Okay. So, um, I know a lot of you young people have trouble telling the truth. Well, the problem is that the truth isn't always that simple, because what might be true for one guy, like, say, you or me, might not be true for some other guys, like, the police, right? Um, I mean... And also, you might be so busy making up your story and rehearsing it for so long and working and working on it that you think it's really the truth, right? And it comes as a complete shock when some eyewitness tells you you're lyin'. This happens to me a lot. So, I like to look for the danger signs that'll show me if I might be telling the truth. Like, if my story is gonna cause a hassle, or if it's gonna get people irritated, or... {holds up index finger} and here's the big giveaway: if it seems a lot more unlikely than the lie I was gonna tell, then it's probably the truth. So, I'd say that if you wanna get yourself into a lot of trouble and have people mad at ya and, uh, callin' you a liar and all that kinda stuff, then, sure, tell the truth! Otherwise, I'd just sorta use the truth as a last resort, right? Like they do in politics. {looks at his watch again} Oh, that's it! {walks off}

Visit With Dale
''{Dale is filling the Possum Van full of gas. Red is leaning against the side of the van and looking at some papers in his hand.}''

RED GREEN: So, what are you learnin' in school these days, Dale?

DALE: Well, my economics class is kind of interesting. We're doing a comparison between guns and butter.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah? Is that what the educational system has come to now? You gotta go to college to be able to tell guns from butter?

DALE: Well, you could learn about it, too, Mr. Green. I mean, they've got adult classes at night, if you're interested.

RED GREEN: {chuckles} I'm not interested. I'm just trying to distract you, so you'll put more gas in than the five bucks I'm payin' for. {laughs}

{Realizing what's going on, Dale stops the flow of gas and takes the pump out of the van.}

DALE: That'll be five dollars, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: {handing the money to Dale} There you go, Dale. {starts to get into the van} See you next time.

DALE: Oh, wait a second. You forgot your coupons.

RED GREEN: {closing door and looking out driver's side window} What?

DALE: {handing Red coupons} It's a promotion we're doin' here at the station. It's like money, but you gotta spend it here.

RED GREEN: So how much are these coupons worth, quarter of a tank of gas or something?

DALE: Nine cents.

RED GREEN: {incredulously} Nine cents?

DALE: Well, you collect 'em. It adds up.

RED GREEN: Well, can you get me an elastic band, so I can keep 'em together at least?

DALE: I don't have an elastic on me. The convenience store sells elastics. You gotta buy 'em a bag at a time, though.

RED GREEN: And how much does a bag of elastics cost?

DALE: I dunno, two bucks?

RED GREEN: Dale, I'm not gonna spend two bucks to hold nine cents together. {holds coupons out to Dale} Here, you take 'em back.

DALE: {backing away} No, I can't take 'em.

{Red accidentally drops the coupons.}

RED GREEN: Now, I hope you don't think I'm gonna get outta the van to pick those up. {points down to fallen coupons} I don't bend over to pick up a dime. And neither should you, Dale. {starts up van} What are you makin'? Eight bucks an hour? {nods} Okay, that's 13 cents a minute. You take the time to pick up those coupons, you're losin' money. There's your economics. And drop by the lodge and bring a baked potato, and I'll also show you the difference between guns and butter! {laughs and drives, leaving fallen coupons with a perplexed Dale}

Plot Segment 3
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Red green!

This is amazing.

I was just

thinking about you.

Well, I waved at you

before I come up, gord.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Right.

So what brings

you here?

Well, you gave me a roll

of film to get developed.

Yeah, but that was only

about 20 minutes ago.

That was

last month, gord.

Really?

Yeah.

Time flies.

Do you want these

pictures or not?

Oh, yeah,

great, thanks.

Did you look

at them?

No,

I was afraid to.

Oh, look.

These are great.

Oops.

What's that by

the tree, there, gord?

Is that a bear?

What is that?

No, that's one of

those tall hairy men,

the, uh --

oh, you mean

bigfoot?

Uh, no,

bigfeet, actually.

Both of 'em,

huge.

Yeah, he just trampled the new

flower bed I just made,

crazy rascal.

Well, how do you know

it's a "he" and not a "she"?

Yeah, there's

a better picture.

Oh, yeah,

that's a he.

Yeah, I call him fuzzy,

but his real name is

[ growling ]

you know, gord,

these pictures could be worth

a lot of money, you know.

Nah, nah.

Fuzzy doesn't have any money.

Oh, no, no, no.

I mean c.N.N.

They'd pay money

for these

'cause you've got proof that

the abominable snowman exists.

I wouldn't call

him abominable.

He's more

tough but fair.

No, no, no, gord.

I'm saying if you let me

take these pictures, okay,

and I'll present them

to the right people,

and we would be lookin' at

a fair major amount of

coin to share.

Really?

You know,

if we do that,

I should be the one to all

the talking, you know,

because I am a

professional forest ranger.

Just to maintain

credibility.

Uh, these pictures

aren't that good.

Nah.

Well, mike's runnin'

a bit late, if he's

comin' at all.

You don't suppose his

angel whisked him off

to heaven, do you?

If mike could

get into heaven,

that's good news for all

of us, isn't it?

Well, I got things

to do, dalton,

so if you don't mind,

I'll just kinda --

hold it right there,

mr. Green.

That money isn't

your's yet.

Mike, did you

come alone,

or is there an invisible

spirit kinda hovering

around you?

Probably some

on his breath.

No.

No, it took a

lot of coaxing,

but my angel finally

agreed to drop by.

So if you don't mind

handing over the money.

For what?

Some invisible angel

nobody can see or hear?

Hey, angel,

if you're here,

smite me, huh.

Smite me down.

Smite me good.

C'mon in,

franco.

Um, this

is franco.

He's a volunteer with the

possum lake guardian

angel society.

They help guys

like me.

Pleased to

meet you, franco.

I look out

for mike.

We don't want anything

to mess up his parole.

This is mr. Green.

He wanted you

to smite him.

No, no, no.

Just kiddin'.

What have you got

in the take out

food box?

My wings.

[ laughter and applause ]

I think somebody owes mr.

Humphrey and me ten bucks.

Hey, hey.

This guy isn't

technically an angel.

What!

What did you say?

I guess those are

suicide wings.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

You guys gotta go.

You guys gotta go.

Away you go.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

I'll see you

guys later.

So if my wife is watchin',

I'll be comin' straight home

after the meeting,

and I think I'm gonna need a

change of clothes

because I've just been

touched by an angel.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and my best pal, franco,

keep your stick

on the ice.

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com

everybody sit down.

Take a seat.

Everybody sit.

Sit down, everyone.

Okay, everyone sit.

Sit.

Sit down.

All rise!

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Okay, bow your heads

for the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change

if I have to

I guess.

Closed captioning provided by