The String Ball/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, the morning coffee

is as much a part of the

canadian experience

as two official languages,

ten provinces

or one working helicopter.

According the

encyclopedia possum logica

we have more drive-thru coffee

joints than public urinals.

No wonder we lose

so many trees every year.

And there's even a coffee

drinker's lingo.

For example you've

got regular,

black, cream only,

double double --

or in harold's case,

single single.

And they have these contests

where if you drink

enough coffee

you win a year's supply

of sleeping pills.

All you have to do

is flip up the lip,

see what you win.

Hey! I won something here.

Looks like a three-wheel,

all-terrain vehicle

of some type

it's a --

it's a tri-engine.

Oh, no, that says,

"try again."

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

You know, a lot

of people in our area

like to collect string.

A lot of people in our area

like to collect dust.

Every ten years the

town has a competition

to see who has the

biggest string ball.

Uncle red!

Uncle red!

Check this out.

What is that,

harold?

Nothing.

Wait a sec.

Is that your

string ball?

I had a bad year.

I hope you weren't

expecting to win

the competition

with that unit there.

No! No!

I-I-I --

you know what

I was thinking?

I was thinking that

um -- um --

oh! That we can all

combine our string

and then have one giant

entry from the lodge.

Yeah, all right.

But I'm not going 50/50

on the prize money

with that little

dust bunny you got there.

No, but maybe

something like 80/20.

How about 90/10?

Okay, how about we meet

in the middle, okay?

85/20.

Okay, good.

You know what?

These remind me

of planets.

They look like planets.

Don't they look like planets?

They look like planets.

Yeah, yours is like

neptune, and I'm pluto.

No, no, no.

I'm normal and

you're goofy.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize is a coupon for

a possum lake boat cruise

on the historic steam boat,

the marilyn belle.

Duration of cruise subject to

performance of bilge pump.

Okay, cover your

ears there, dalton.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton humphrey

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, dalton, this is an

expression you hear a lot...

"get out and..."

stay out!

No, okay. Okay.

When a soldier turns around

and goes in the opposite

direction,

they call that...

The french.

No, no, no.

Okay.

Okay, if you're sailing

and the boom swings hard

from one side to the other,

that means that

soon you'll be coming...

To.

No, okay. No.

Oh, I know. I know.

Americans make fun of the

way canadians say this.

Please register

your firearms.

Uh, red,

almost outta time.

Yeah, I know.

Okay. Okay.

Dalton, remember last week,

you and ann marie

were sparring a little,

and I said,

"what was all that..."

yelling.

You know, red,

we weren't sparring.

You know, when it goes

more than three rounds

that's a bout.

Yeah!

Rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services,

because your fruit

should get ripe,

not your lawn.

Most of you are

probably familiar with

these garbage disposal units.

In my books, there is no

better appliance for taking

care of vegetables.

It grinds them up into

a kind of compact form,

and then fires

'em down the drain.

Kind of like what

the human body does.

But I'm thinking,

wouldn't it be great

to be able to do the same

thing with outdoor junk,

like trees or

old school busses?

All it takes is

a little imagination,

some mechanical ability

and neighbours who

mind their own business.

Okay, now, for us to grind up

all this junk you see here

we're gonna need a pretty

powerful garbage disposal;

whereas, all we have

is this old cement mixer.

But to me, this is like when a

woman marries the wrong man.

Rather than starting

over with somebody new,

she just makes

a few modifications.

It's got an agitator in there

for mixing up the cement,

but it's not strong enough to

grind up, say, cast iron.

So we're going

to augment the blades

by sticking a couple

prospecting tools to 'em.

Okay, now, see

these babies here?

These are made

for pounding rock.

I mean, these are strong.

They got

diamond dust in there

and titanium, plutonium

and kryptonite.

We just gotta make sure

we attach 'em real solid.

Okay, I think we're pretty

much ready to go here.

I cut some holes

in the bottom of her

so the pulverized scraps can

just run right through

the bottom of

our garbage disposal.

And of course we've got

our garden hose in here.

This is so water will

run throughout the entire

garbage disposal process;

otherwise,

this could be dangerous.

And as you know, safety's

what I'm all about.

Okay, but of course,

the key to the whole process

is to mount the unit

over an open manhole.

That way the output

from your garbage disposal

will run safely and smoothly

into the sewer system

that you pay part

of your tax dollars.

Oh, sure, I guess I could've

mounted this thing over

the kitchen sink,

but I've been married too long

to make that mistake again.

Oh, yeah, I had to add a

little more power to the unit,

so I took off the little belt

that ran to the electric motor

and I put on a big belt.

Now, I've gone with

a small block 8 here,

but if you were

grinding, say, I-beams,

you might wanna go with

a hemi or even a v-12.

See, the beauty of this system

is you can gear the power

to the size of the job.

Okay, I had to rethink the

strategy a little bit here.

I'm actually not

gonna start the unit up

until after I've put

the scrap metal in it

and after I've put

this lid on it.

Of course, with the lid

on there, you know,

I can't run the

water through it,

so I'm pre-cleaning all the

mechanism with some gasoline.

But of course, cleanliness

is not enough, you know.

You also need to

add some lubrication.

We've all been there,

haven't we?

So I'm just gonna cover

the blades with oil.

We're good to go.

I'll tell you one thing.

We'll have this yard

cleaned up in no time.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

When a man gets close

to retirement age,

he starts having

some weird thoughts.

No, not those

weird thoughts.

I mean the ones about him

having all this free time,

and if he doesn't use it

for something productive,

he's gonna feel like

somehow he wasted it.

Next thing you know,

he's signing up for

mambo lessons,

learnin' how to cook,

and carving letter openers

out of cow patties with

a chain saw.

This is a huge mistake.

Don't be swayed by what the

other retired guys are doin'.

Don't join a gym.

Don't get together with

a bunch of other retired guys

and form a

motown cover band.

Most importantly, do not

write a book about your life.

You only have enough good

stuff for maybe two chapters.

Most of the interesting

things you've done

you can't even spell.

And for sure you're not

gonna like the ending.

So just continue

to do exactly what you did

that brought you to

this point: Nothing.

Happy retirement.

And remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

Or double your sewage back.

Well, harold and I put our

two string balls together,

and it's a pretty

decent sized thing.

C'mon, harold.

Show 'em what we got.

Okay, I'm comin'!

They're gonna love this!

Well, that should

fill in your afternoon.

And dalton's bringing

his string ball over

to add to ours.

According to ann marie,

he's got a fair sized

one too.

I hope I didn't

misunderstand her --

[ dalton screaming ]

that would be him now.

[ whimpering ]

wh-where's

the string ball?

It's right behind me.

Oh, my --

kinda got away

from me, and --

holy cow!

We're okay.

We're okay.

It stopped at the hill.

Uh-oh! It's rolling back!

Red: Oh!

Dalton: Don't!

Who knew string

could be so dangerous?

I've never seen

so much string in my life.

This would be

like a dream,

if it was

a good thing!

Harold, this is

a good thing.

That baby is

a winner, dalton.

Just gotta figure out how

to get it down to the

community centre.

Maybe if we had a vehicle,

we could push it down there.

I mean, it rolls

pretty good.

Well, of course,

the possum van.

Okay, look, I'll go around

outside and I'll pull on it.

You guys push on it.

Push, dalton.

Come on, harold,

you can help out.

Just like a big wedgie.

Red: All right, push!

Push!

All right. All right.

This is it.

Stand back, uncle red.

Dalton, look out.

I don't want

anybody to get hurt.

Red: It's coming.

[ harold screeching ]

[ crash ]

red: Was supposed to meet bill

and ed out behind the lodge,

down by the lake.

We were gonna

do a little fishin'.

Bill pulled in just

a little snug, I felt.

And I was, uh, givin' him

a little grief on that.

Next thing you know, ed does

exactly the same thing.

We really gotta

widen that road.

So ed comes around.

We're givin' him grief.

He didn't put

that thing in park.

He didn't put

the emergency brake on,

and he's got

a carburetor problem.

Actually, we just --

grab that.

Just grab anything there.

Grab it --

oh! Oh!

See, that's what rust

can do to a vehi --

she's actually starting

to pick up speed.

Heading right for the lake,

and... Alrighty then.

That is our local car wash,

but you don't get

your car back.

So we're enjoying that,

but we don't want

ed to see --

oh, no, we're good.

That's a shame.

That's a shame.

No, that's a shame.

And ed tells us

why he's upset,

because actually walter's

still in the vehicle.

So I tell him, you know,

just calm down.

It's all right.

Don't worry.

We'll get you out.

You know what?

This is a modern age

of technology.

What I have on the

front of the possum van

is a 50-tonne power winch.

And if you just --

just wait,

everything is

gonna be great.

Don't worry.

You got nothing

to worry about.

Got her all under control.

Everything's fine.

Just gotta --

give me a couple minutes

and I'll have him

right out of there.

Not a problem.

Not a problem.

It's all right, boys.

It's all taken care of.

But of course, these two

can't trust technology.

They figure they better

rescue walter on their own.

They don't trust the winch

and all that and so on.

So the first thing they

do is they try a ladder.

And how did that go?

Yeah. You just gotta

relax sometimes in life,

just kinda go

with the flow.

Oh, a little inflatable

wading pool and a pickaxe.

Yeah, kinda saw

that one comin'.

Did you get him?

Are you okay, boys?

And I come up and there

and I hook the winch

just casually onto

the rear axle of the unit.

And, uh, you won't believe

the power of this thing.

It's unbelievable.

What do you got --

oh, a canoe and

a life jacket or two.

Yeah, it's not

necessary, boys,

but you know,

you do what you want.

I think we'll be fine.

Any luck?

So I'm wheelin' her in.

Everything's goin' great,

and I was a

little surprised.

I did not get

the complete vehicle.

Um, but I'm thinkin',

you know, if we line up,

uh, the bumper assembly

and the tail-lights,

you know, it's startin' --

you know, she's startin'

to take shape.

So let's go back

and get the rest of her.

And again, it's just

a bit of a waiting game,

but, uh, everything's fine.

What have we got here?

That's a flare gun,

you know?

Careful.

Careful with that, bill.

Careful.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

Okay, fine.

So now I'm gonna hook

her right on to the bumper.

Uh, she should be a lot

lighter with that rear

assembly out of there.

I think we'll be good.

Uh, that would be

the trunk lid.

Hmm, I don't know

what that was.

And that is the

front quarter panel.

We're gettin' there.

We're makin' progress here.

A bucket seat.

It's turning into a bit of a

jigsaw puzzle, this unit.

And there's the hood.

And the -- I got her

together pretty good.

And the guys are -- just one

last attempt, I think.

What are they

gonna take this time?

You know, really

not necessary, fellas.

I can -- I can

bring walter up,

using pretty much

the same technique.

So walter's safe;

the car's back together;

and there's an important

lesson in all of this...

You can either

be patient,

or you can be 'a' patient.

[ applause ]

you know, my wife says

that I have this bad habit

of generalising

about things.

So I throw a

trick question at her.

I ask her: Is it always

wrong to generalise?

You get it, huh?

That stumped her.

That's called

a conundrum, see?

She was stuck

for an answer.

But then I'm stuck

for a place to sleep.

But there is one

thing I can generalise.

Guys like myself.

We can tell you which page of

the newspaper has the

sunshine girl on it.

We can tell you the hours of

operation of every beer store

within a two-hour drive.

But we can't seem to remember

to replace the empty

toilet paper roll.

So I've come up with a

way to do it automatically.

I put a cap

on the bottom end

of this little

piece of duct work here.

Cut a hole in

her the same size

as the core in the centre

of the toilet paper roll.

Now whenever I come

to the end of a roll,

the weight of the other rolls

forces the cardboard core out,

and drops the

new roll into place.

It's a gravity feed,

kinda like moose thompson

at a buffet.

But of course, now it's not

enough to have something

practical in your home,

it also needs to be

decorative, doesn't it, huh?

But don't worry, I've even

got that one figured out.

Bernice is

gonna love this.

It's not just a

toilet paper dispenser,

it's what I call

my "jumbo model."

[ imitates elephant

trumpeting ]

ladies and gentlemen, we

interrupt the "red green show"

so that I may bring you

the following important

environmental message.

Greetings, campers.

Ranger gord here with

another one of my patented...

Say now, here's a

sight to see.

A couple of happy-go-lucky

noodle heads

getting ready to

leave their campfire.

But what's this?

Look closer, everyone.

Smouldering embers just

waiting to burst into

a raging inferno.

All it will take

is a single gust of wind,

an errant newspaper,

and, of course,

a carelessly tossed

five-gallon can

of gasoline.

Fortunately,

these two were smart.

They're wearing

flame-retardant clothing,

perfect for

smothering the flames.

That's flannel,

ranger gord!

Flannel!

Whoops. Good thing I brought

this bucket of sand.

[ police siren ]

so remember, folks, never

parade around naked in

a public campground.

It's just common sense,

isn't it?

[ hearty laugh ]

[ gasping for breath ]

well, uh, that

could've gone better.

Well, it was

a bad plan.

It was a great plan,

harold.

The possum van had

no trouble pushing that

gigantic string ball.

You know, if the community

centre had been uphill

from here,

we'd have no prob --

but oh, no!

Why didn't you just

step on the gas,

get the van in

front of the ball?

And then at least you

could've slowed it down.

Wha -- and pass on

a solid line, harold?

That is illegal.

Well, so is knocking down

the community centre.

Oh, man, we got

trouble, boys.

We do not

have trouble.

There is nothing about that

string ball that ties

us to the crime.

Oh, really?

Well, when the ball hit the

peak of the roof of the

community centre,

it started to unwind.

And it started to come back

the same way it went,

which means it's leaving a

trail that leads right

to the lodge!

Ohhhhh!

Uncle red, I don't wanna

spend my sexually active

years in prison.

Well, harold, it actually

might be best.

But don't panic.

I'm just gonna get

rid of the evidence.

[ chuckling ]

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you guys go ahead.

I'll be right down.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

Today I learned

all about sharing.

I shared my string ball;

I shared my possum van;

and almost shared a cell.

And to be

honest with you,

I'm kinda hoping that sharing

continues on into the night,

but again,

that's your call.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change

if I have to,

I guess.

Well, I have good news, men.

Spoke to the police chief,

and they're not

gonna press any charges.

Apparently they have laws

against strings of crime,

but nothing against

crime of strings.

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