It's A Wonderful Red Green Christmas


 * This article is about the episode. For the  episode, see A Very Merry Red Green Christmas.

Red and the gang celebrate Christmas as only they know how.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Christmas Is..., If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying, Lodge Members On Christmas, The Experts, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Adventures With Bill

DVD: The Red Green Show – 1998 Season

Transcript
''{A message reads, "With thanks to CBC North and the people of Yellowknife, NWT". Then the camera fades in on Red, dressed in a jacket, snow boots and wearing skunk-pelt mittens and holding a huge bundle of Christmas-themed lawn ornaments in his arms.}''

RED GREEN: You know, every year, I– I put these decorations out on the lawn at Christmas. This time, I thought I'd be a little more ambitious!

''{Red walks a few more inches carrying the huge load of Christmas decorations, but suddenly, he slips and falls down. The ornaments all come crashing down on top of him.}''

Intro
{The Lodge is decorated for Christmas.}

HAROLD GREEN: "It's a Wonderful Red Green Christmas!" And now, here he is, of course, it's the guy who comes up your roof, my uncle, your hero, Red Green!

''{Red enters the Lodge, wearing a jacket. He waves to the audience, who cheers.}''

HAROLD GREEN: All right! That's good!

RED GREEN: Thank you very, very much. Appreciate it, in all the best of the holiday season, to each and every one of you. This is our very first Christmas special. I'd like to apologize, first of all, for being so crass as to take advantage of the whole Christmas thing, and I'd also like to apologize for taking so darn long to think of it.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, I really don't think you have to apologize for being insensitive. People have come to expect that of you by now.

RED GREEN: {pointing out Harold} I'm sure you know my nephew, Harold, or as his parents call him, the Ghost of Christmas Past.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} I just think it's so cool we're getting like a Christmas special! It's so cool! Not a lot of outdoor shows get a Christmas special.

RED GREEN: No, that's right, no. You know, the sports network did a couple: trolling for presents. And the other one was "Frosty the Cold One".

HAROLD GREEN: Well, we're not here to talk about other people's mistakes, we've got lots of our own to show!

RED GREEN: That's right, so you just sit back and lower your standards. You'll have a happier Christmas, and it'll make this a better show!

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today, Mr. Mike Hamar gets to play for the opportunity to go to France! {Mike makes excited gesticulations} Yes! All expenses are paid. {puts on a sign around his neck, reading FRANCE} All you have to do is stick out your thumb. {sticks out his right thumb in a hitchhiking pose} Oh, I know what you're thinking, and yes, the return ticket is included.

''{Harold turns the sign over, the other side reading HOME. He sticks out his left thumb, also in a hitchhiking pose.}''

HAROLD GREEN: All right. Mr. Hamar... {picks up word sign} Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Hamar to say this word...

''{Harold turns the sign around. It displays on it the word "Giving".}''

HAROLD GREEN: "Giving". "Giving".

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {setting sign down on table} Okay, go!

RED GREEN: Uh, all right, Mike, uh, this is something people do at Christmas.

MIKE HAMAR: Argue?

RED GREEN: No, no, no. This is a happy thing, and people do it till it hurts.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, eat!

RED GREEN: Okay. Mike, this is better than just getting...

MIKE HAMAR: Getting... away?

RED GREEN: Okay, you know, they have a saying: "Christmas is the season for..."

MIKE HAMAR: ...lighter sentences.

RED GREEN: Okay, Mike! Okay, Mike. You wrap something up and you give it to somebody. What's that called?

MIKE HAMAR: Selling narcotics.

HAROLD GREEN: No! And it's almost out of time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Uh... Oh, I know! I know! There's an expression, okay? "Love is the gift that keeps on..."

MIKE HAMAR: ...requiring medication? My cell mate proved that. He was a very giving person.

RED GREEN: There we go! {repeatedly rings the bell to end the game}

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
''{Red walks out into the Lodge basement from a corner, holding a roll of duct tape. He heads over to a workbench where Hap Shaughnessy stands. A pile of Christmas lights sits on the workbench.}''

RED GREEN: This is the repair shop part of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying." Joining us today, we got Hap Shaughnessy. What do you got for us there, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, it's my Christmas lights, Red.

RED GREEN: {looking concerned} Oh, boy. Is this an untangle job, or is this... find-that-one-darn-bulb-that's-burned-out job? 'Cause they're both killers.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Nope, nothin'. {holds up a shredded wire in the pile} The rat chewed the plug off.

RED GREEN: {taking wire; amused} Hap, you don't know how to put a plug on a piece of wire? {moves pile over closer to him}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, but every time I try it, the rat bites.

''{Red digs his hand into the pile of lights. Inside, he feels something bite his hand. He quickly withdraws his hand.}''

RED GREEN: Ow!

''{Red shakes his hand and cradles it. Hap points back and forth between the pile of lights and to Red's hand. Red looks at the pile.}''

RED GREEN: Oh. Aw, Hap! He's still in there, that's the main problem.

''{Red gingerly takes the pile of lights and moves it off the edge of the workbench. He shakes it over a trashcan under the workbench.}''

RED GREEN: {shaking the lights} Geez, he's really hanging on there. {shakes some more} You may have to do without Christmas lights, Hap.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, no, can't do that. Gotta hang the lights. I invented them.

RED GREEN: {looking puzzled} You invented Christmas lights?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yep. I only tried to save my platoon. On Christmas Day, we were surrounded, out of ammo, and our sergeant, Sergeant... Pepper... He wanted to surrender, but we were holed up in a light bulb factory, so I got this idea of stringing a whole lot of bulbs together and then plugging them in and out real quick. Flash, flash, flash! And from a distance, it looked as though that was the flash of rifles firing. So I kept flashing the lights, the Germans stayed away, and the very next day, General Montgomery decided to give me the Congressional Medal of Honor.

RED GREEN: Now, that's incredible, Hap: a Canadian soldier getting an American medal from a British general. {looks perplexed}

Harold On Christmas
HAROLD GREEN: You know what I hate about Christmastime even more than fruitcake? {pauses, looks up} Nothing. I hate fruitcake. I can't– It gets stuck in your teeth. You know, like... {repeatedly sticks out his tongue} Well, it's like Groundhog Day or something. But a close second– a close second would be, like, waiting for Christmas Day to come, right? 'Cause I love Christmas, {sounding annoyed} and it takes so LONG! {calmer voice} Like, for instance, I wish today was tomorrow, because that would be one day closer to Christmas, but, y'know, it's not gonna happen, 'cause I gotta wait for today to end, and that's gonna be tomorrow sometime, so I've missed it. So what you gotta do is effectively come up with ways to kill time prior to Christmas actually arriving. {picks up a paper chain, with red and green links} So each year, what I do is, each year, I create this red and green... {stops suddenly; laughs} Red and green, I said! I didn't even notice that before! That's so cool! {picks up one end of chains that has a drawing of a reindeer on it} I– What I do is this... a red and green, paper chain, reindeer, days left, wall-mounted {slight pause} calendar. And all you have to do is, every day that gets closer to Christmas, you just, y'know, tear off a link. {tears off a link at the end of the chain} La-la, like that. You see? And now you've effectively killed, like, two seconds, right? It's gone, two seconds. Where'd it go? I don't know, it's gone. So now, all I gotta do is wait, like, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 58 seconds before I can tear off another one, kill some more time. {tears off another link} Just tear it right off like that. {suddenly looks shocked by what had just happened} I tore off tomorrow... {frustrated; shouting} I'M GONNA HAVE NOTHING TO DO TOMORROW! {hastily} You know what? You know what? {puts broken-off link back in chain} I can effectively kill time by putting it all back together, you see? {picks up a roll of scotch tape} That's what I– That's how I'll effectively kill time the next little while. {starts putting a piece of tape on the link} And you know what's really interesting about all this, is none of this would even matter if I had a girlfriend.

Arnie On Christmas
{Arnie plays guitar, while Red and Harold accompany him, the former blowing into a gas can and the latter clicking two spoons together.}

ARNIE DOGAN: {singing}
 * Mama's in the kitchen, butterin' the hog.
 * Daddy's in the study, feedin' brandy to the dog.

RED GREEN, HAROLD GREEN: {singing} Dog...

ARNIE DOGAN:
 * Grandma and her boyfriend are sleepin' kinda late.
 * Auntie's in the pantry, puttin' on some weight.

RED GREEN, HAROLD GREEN: Weight...

ARNIE DOGAN, RED GREEN, HAROLD GREEN:
 * Oh, I love Christmas!
 * I love Christmas!
 * I love...

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to you older guys about telling the truth. The truth about Santa. 'Cause you know some naive kid is going to say to you, "Should I believe in Santa?" Well, you gotta look him straight in the eye and say, "Yes, Harold. Of course you believe in Santa." What's not to believe? You know, Santa is a pretty average, normal guy. He spends 99% of his time squirreled away in his workshop, making stuff that's only good enough to give away. I know lots of guys like that. He's got these little helpers that do all the work. We all have those. Then, every Christmas, he loads up way too many gifts and drives all over kingdom come, deliverin' 'em. Does that sound familiar to you at all? And everywhere he goes, he expects some snacks and a drink. So do I! And when it comes to the choice of doing things the easy way or the hard way, he chooses the hard way every time. Door versus chimney, need I say more? I mean, he's just one of us, eh? Plus, he's fat, he's balding, and he wears red, long underwear. That sounds like half the lodge to me! So when a kid asks you if there's a Santa Claus, say, "Heck, yeah! There's probably a couple in your family!" Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Trivia

 * This is the first hour-long Red Green special that is not a clip show.
 * On the 1998 Season DVD, this episode was severely edited. The only segments that were featured were:
 * The Possum Lodge Word Game
 * If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying (with Hap and Edgar)
 * Arnie's song
 * Handyman Corner
 * Red's Sage Advice
 * Harold and then Red making Christmas advent calendars out of chains
 * Adventures With Bill
 * This episode marks the first one since The Schoolhouse Project where two Lodge members instead of one (in this case, Mike and Dalton) join Red and Harold in a "The Experts" segment.

Inside References

 * In Bill's scene, he pulls out two axes out of his pants.

Real-World References

 * The title of this episode is likely based on the 1946 film It's a Wonderful Life, whose story takes place during the Christmas season.
 * The Ghost of Christmas Past (which is what Red claims his parents call Harold) refers to a character in Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol.

Fast Forward

 * Another Christmas special, A Very Merry Red Green Christmas, would be released in 2000.