The House Raising/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Here's the man who was voted

head of possum lodge, 'cause

the other body parts

were spoken for,

your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

thank you very much.

Got some bad news,

unfortunately.

A bit of a disaster

this week at the lodge.

Buster hadfield's house

was burned down by his budgie.

Oh no.

How did that happen?

Playing with matches.

Buster lets the little guy

fly around.

He eats bits of potato chips

from between

the couch cushions.

He got poking around

where he shouldn't have,

and he plugged himself into

an electrical outlet.

Oh, that's awful.

He went up just like a flare,

harold.

Didn't even blow a fuse

on that one.

The house burned to the ground.

That's hardly an accident.

You guys don't have

smoke detectors, alarms.

Your fire extinguishers

are never charged up.

It's a wonder

there's not more fires.

Didn't even blow a fuse.

That was a dead short.

Wreckless, irresponsible

negligence, uncle red.

Buster has no home.

What did we learn from

our most recent disaster?

We learned that even

an adult, fully-grown budgie

draws less than 15 amps.

(laughing)

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the message being,

don't even think about

changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

Around here, people get down,

but they don't stay down.

We're gonna turn buster's fire

into an opportunity.

You going into

the charcoal business?

No, harold -- we're gonna do

what the pioneers did.

You're moving to california?! --

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Maybe I can meet spielberg.

I got this idea, this treatment.

The treatment's not working.

(laughing)

think back to the pioneers,

ok.

What did they do

when the guy next door's house

burned down?

Keep their own houses wet.

Harold, they'd all pitch in

and build the guy a new house.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, ok,

like a barn raising.

Except this is buster's house.

No, you know, I think

barn raising is a good analogy.

You know who does that is

the amish and the mennonites.

Instead of a bunch of

devout craftsmen,

it's going to be a gang

of drunks.

Well, I figure it will go

a lot faster.

Later on in

"adventures with bill",

we'll be doing

some high-wire walking.

But I had heard --

one of the fellas told me

that bill was stuck up

at the top of a flagpole,

and they asked me

to go and get him.

But what had happened was

he was trying to get

the flag down.

Communication is --

that's when -- and the --

anyway, bill had apparently

shinnied --

you don't very often see

an adult shinny.

You're still not.

But, of course,

I didn't get there till

he was up at the top.

He was stuck up there.

I'll get you down.

It's all right, just relax.

I think if I get

the pole vibrating,

he's got to slide down.

Relax --

you'll be down in a minute.

Oh, you're fine, you're fine.

Boy, oh, boy.

Sometimes the fear

is so strong in them,

their fingers tighten up,

their fingernails

dig into the pole.

Luckily, I had a little

chain-saw unit there.

Where there's a will

there's a way.

(laughing)

sorry, bill.

Don't thank me.

That's fine, that's fine.

♪ oh, sometimes

I get to thinkin' ♪

♪ 'bout all the mistakes

I've made ♪

♪ all the people

I've hurt ♪

♪ and all the bills

I haven't paid ♪

♪ sometimes

I get to thinkin' ♪

♪ I should change

and get on the ball ♪

♪ but then I turn on

the old t.V. ♪

♪ and I don't get to thinkin'

at all ♪

ok, for

a free chiropractic adjustment

at arnie's autobody shop,

uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Humphrey

to say this word,

"wolves".

Ooooh, go!

Ok, dalton, these are

like dogs, only bigger.

My wife's side of the family.

No.

These are animals, dalton.

They travel in packs.

Yeah, that's my wife's side

of the family.

Come on, come on.

These are like a fox,

only bigger.

Bigger teeth.

My wife's side of the family.

Why do you keep saying that?

Just feels good, that's all!

No, no, stop it.

These are wild animals.

They howl at the moon,

eat rats, travel in groups,

and hunt out

the weak and the sick.

I'm gonna have to go with

my original answer on this.

These animals

hardly ever hurt humans.

Oh.

You're gonna have to give me

another clue on that one.

Describe your wife's side

of the family eating.

Wolves.

That was

it!

This week on

"handyman corner",

we're gonna do one of

the most common,

and yet, one of the most

difficult handyman projects.

We're gonna hang a door.

Here we have

a portable washroom

whose door has been ripped off

during some kind of

a gastronomical emergency.

And over here, we have a door.

So what we've got to do

is get these two together.

First, make sure that the door

is the same size as

the hole it's gotta go in.

No -- a little too tall.

So, we'll just mark her,

and...

No lead in my pencil.

We've all be there,

haven't we?

I'll tell ya,

car key works just as well.

Mark her up...

And then cut off the excess.

All right,

got our door cut now.

All we gotta do

is mark where the hinges go,

stick them on.

Oh.

You see the problem

we got here.

We've cut far enough

into the door

that we're into

the hollow section,

that's no good,

'cause we'll get rain and

shingles and hornet's nests,

anything that falls off --

but, you know,

there's a real simple solution.

Flip her over.

Just mark where the hinges go,

and stick 'em on there.

I've got the hinges marked.

I got to cut these out.

Ordinarily,

I would use a chisel,

but, I don't have a chisel.

I did have a chisel, but

I had it for more than a week,

so it's more of a screwdriver.

That's what happens when

you use them as a hammer.

I'm going to use

the hinge itself.

That way I know

I'll have a perfect fit.

You might want to have a couple

of extra hinges, just in case.

We're all set.

Just... Attach our hinges

to our door jamb,

just like this.

See what you've done here?

You've mounted the hinges

on the wrong side.

Now the door is going to

open in.

That's not going to work.

Plus, real dangerous in a fire.

And around the lodge

we have plenty of those.

You know what?

Dead easy to fix.

Not that easy.

I find it a lot easier to put

the screws in with a hammer

than it is getting

all those blisters

from a screwdriver --

oh, no, that's a chisel.

So just take her over now,

and mount her

on the side there.

And just... Horse her in.

And she's just that easy.

Isn't that a beautiful job?

You can make a few--

there's always adjustments.

You can cut that off --

no, that's not gonna work.

I got an idea.

(engine starting)

where there's a van

there's a way.

Beautiful, beautiful job.

So remember, if women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least find you

handy.

They'll find me in the shed.

(door handle rattling)

ahh.

Whatever this is,

we got a lot more of it.

I wanna talk to you old guys

about telling stories

that nobody wants to hear.

You know, in hollywood,

they actually have a system

for telling stories.

Say, for instance,

you have a movie idea.

I've got lots, but, anyway,

a professional begins with

a concise premise

of one or two sentences.

Something like, a meteorologist

and his ex-wife

chase tornadoes

across the mid-west

and a bunch of

special effects happen!

If people like that --

only if they like that,

you can go on and tell

the treatment.

That's a little bit

longer version.

If they like that,

you can go into

the full-blown screenplay.

That's two hours.

So, you see how they do that?

They tell a little bit

of the story

to see if people

are interested.

You old guys,

you might wanna try that.

Next time you

see a bunch of teenagers

talking about

something really interesting,

like the new

alanis morrisette c.D.,

and it reminds you of

one of your amusing stories,

don't launch right into

the two-hour version.

See if you can get

their attention

with something like,

"one time I, uh,

"I had to change a tire

in the rain

"on the way to a wedding."

(laughing)

if you're met with cold stares,

don't tell the story.

Pitch out another idea.

"did I tell you about the time

I stepped in a birthday cake?"

if they're interested,

only if they're interested,

go on with a longer version.

But, as far as the two-hour

version is concerned,

trust me, we're willing to wait

for the video.

Remember, you're on your own.

Don't push it.

(sighing)

(audience laughing)

two hours ago, buster's house

was a smouldering ruin.

Now his new place is ready

to move in.

When the lodge members

come together,

there's nothing we can't do.

Big whoop!

Putting up a house -- waaahh!

It was a pre-fab home.

It arrived in a truck,

taken off by a crane.

All they did was sit around

in lawn chairs

and heckle

the poor crane operator.

Guy got so nervous,

he didn't put it

on buster's property.

(audience laughing)

harold, when somebody

says "shut up",

it's not advice

you can take or leave.

You're supposed to do it.

I give you advice

and you don't take it.

We're not

equals, harold.

I know, but I don't hold that

over you.

(laughing)

buster's house is where

it should be, thanks to us.

We chipped in

and buster got a great deal.

A home, huh?

It's a houseboat.

Hey, hey, come on!

Buster's kids got a roof

over their head,

a back porch big enough

to take an outboard motor,

and a basement

that will never flood.

It's the ugliest thing

I've ever seen.

Show some respect --

that's buster's house.

It's more like

buster's ark.

Well, if it is, harold,

you can't get on it

'cause we'll never find

two like you.

(audience laughing)

um... Hi, my name's buzz.

I'm a man.

(harold):

Hey, buzz!

Hi, buzz.

Um... I acted like a guy

yesterday.

(red): Oh, boy.

I really couldn't

help myself, right?

She's got this food processor

and it broke.

It was stuck on "mince".

She said, "I'll take that

to the repair shop."

I said, "whoa! Let me fix it!"

she said, "no! Thank you.

"remember what you did

to my t.V.?

"remember what you did

to my blow-dryer?

"remember what you did to my

typewriter and yogurt-maker?"

I said, "what's the point?"

she said, "so..."

I said, "I won't touch it."

she left it on the counter,

a broken food processor.

How can women do that?

You gotta take it apart

and see what's wrong!

You gotta!

I didn't touch it.

All week, I walked by.

It's taunting me,

talking to me.

It's saying, "I'm broken --

you can't touch me.

"you can't fix me."

I wanted to take-- I didn't.

One night, I snapped.

She went out to bingo

and I got my tools out.

I took that food processor

and I ripped 'er wide open!

I-I-I couldn't fix it,

you know.

(audience laughing)

but I put it back together

and it looked almost exactly

the same as it used to.

You know... She came home.

She took one look at me.

She looked at the blender.

She said, "you tried

to fix it, didn't you?"

(harold): Aww!

What gave you away?

The duct tape.

(audience laughing)

"a poem by alfred,

lord tennyson... Green.

"half a league, half a league,

half a league onward,

"all in the valley of death

rode the 600,

"theirs not to make reply,

theirs not to reason why,

"theirs but to do and die.

"into the jaws of death,

"into the mouth of hell,

rode the 600.

"boy, that was the best ever

pay-per-view 'wrestlemania.'"

(audience laughing)

(red): Well, time for

"adventures with bill".

Gonna do the high-wire thing.

Earlier, we freed up

the flagpole

so he can actually use that.

That's the way

he uses flagpoles.

That's the trouble with bill.

He's gonna use that to--

you know they have

the balance bar that they use.

Well, that's-- ohhh!

Bill's a dangerous man.

I can't wait to get him

on the high-wire.

I'll take one end of the rope.

I'm gonna hook that

onto one of our bigger trees,

and bill's got

the concrete block,

and I'll whip that around

and tie that on

in, I think, a reef hitch.

And then bill's gonna wedge

that block into the tree

and then we'll tighten the rope

between the block and--

look at that,

look at that, huh?

There he is!

He's like a wallenda.

You ever heard

of the wallendas?

They're a famous circus family.

If there ever was

a circus family,

it's bill's, I'm figuring.

Look at that --

of course, with bill,

soon as he gets anywhere close

to doing something right,

he feels like

he's on top of it.

He can-- he's cocky.

There you go --

you don't need that, do ya?

With the wallendas, though --

wait a minute.

Weren't they

"the flying wallendas"?

Why were they called

"the flying wallendas"?

Ohhhh!

Oh, I see.

So what we did was

we added more weight.

I had to add more blocks

so there was

more weight on the thing,

and we had a ladder.

We took a kid's bike,

took the tires off.

With the tires off,

the rims will sit on the rope

and, like I say, with bill,

once he gets close

to something,

he tries to make it so hard

that he can't do it.

Kinda like the peter principle

of adventures.

This could be

the peter adventures,

adventures with peter.

Peter... Peter...

Peter... Uh...

No, it won't work.

So he gets on the bike.

Get on there, away you go.

On you get, on you get.

Away you go, on you get.

Away, on, on, on,

on, on, on, on, on.

There, and by golly, I think

the flagpole is the secret.

And just, you know,

a word of safety --

don't stand close to bill.

He could be crossing

niagara falls, couldn't he,

on his bike, and everything.

And then, you know

what happens, he thinks,

"wouldn't it be fun to bounce?"

which he often says

at parties and

he gets going too much

there goes the pole and

the blocks fall and he goes

like a slingshot.

Away you go, bill!

Oh, oh, oh! Oh, boy!

Ohhh!

By golly, now,

that has gotta hurt.

That's why, at the circus,

you pay up-front.

All right, there, bill?

Ohhh...

He'll be on his bike awhile,

I'd say.

Here's the possum lodge oath,

all done in needlepoint,

sent by a viewer.

I said that wasn't

buster's property.

I said, "you're building

on the wrong land.

"buster's ends at the fence."

I told you!

Why didn't you tell me

when the crane was here

and we could move the house?

I told you when

you picked the spot!

I said, "buster's property ends

at the fence."

why didn't you say it louder?

I did say it louder

and I said it several times.

You told me to shut up.

Why didn't you persist?

You can't stop doing something

just 'cause somebody tells you

to shut up.

If I persist--

oh, shut up, harold.

Well, anyway,

we got buster's house now

50 feet off his property.

We wanted to pick a good site

with a nice view

and a ways up from the smoking

ruin of his old place.

Now we gotta move his house,

do the old change-of-address

thing.

You're gonna drag

that houseboat

over 50 feet of rocky,

well-treed land?

We're not stupid, harold.

(audience laughing)

junior singleton says

if we grease the hill,

we can slide 'er down.

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

wanna tell you teenagers

you're not fooling anybody.

Your parents know

what you're doing.

You think they don't know

where you're going,

what you're up to, the people

you're hanging out with?

Not that long ago, they were

doing the same things.

They don't want you to know.

Otherwise, you'd think

less of them.

Believe me, they know.

Are you with a parent now?

You see that grin?

They may say they don't know

but they know,

and now you know

that they know.

If they won't admit

you know they know

that they know you know,

ask your grandparents,

'cause they really know.

If they say

they don't remember,

that means your parents

bought 'em off

or there's a court order

and no one can talk.

You know what that means.

Your parents were big-time

problem teenagers.

That increases the slack

on your leash by 100 miles!

Believe me, I know!

(audience laughing)

it's "male call"!

(audience laughing)

ok.

Our first letter is from

mr. Pea ches in atlanta.

Who?

Mr. Pea ches

in atlanta.

Peaches? Is that the name?

Yeah, pea ches -- hoo-hoo!

"dear red, my brother mat ches

and I are fans of your show."

matches? Her brother's name

is matches?

Who?

Peaches.

Pea ches is a he.

A boy named peaches?!

What parents name their boys

peaches and matches?

Well... Well, let's see.

Their parents' names

are ret ches and bel ches.

Retches

and belches?

Where do these

names come from?

They're southern people --

they included a family photo.

That's the whole ches family.

There's ret and bel,

pea and mat.

Peaches, matches,

retches, and belches.

Sounds like a law firm.

Makes you want to

settle out of court.

Well, good news.

We solved the problem of

buster's new house being built

on somebody else's property.

With a little ingenuity,

we got his house

on the right side

of the boundary line.

You moved that houseboat

over 50 feet?

No, we moved the fence

over 50 feet.

No, uncle red,

you can't do that!

That's someone

else's property.

It's flinty mcclintock's

property -- he didn't mind.

He moved his far fence

45 feet onto moose thompson's.

Then moose moved his fence

over 40 feet

and bob stuyvesant's 35

and so on,

all the way down the line.

Everybody gave up five feet

and got their fence repaired.

That's what neighbours are for.

Wow, that's neat,

uncle red.

That's a real

pioneer spirit.

I am very

impressed.

You may not be.

The last five feet was onto

your parents' property

and your bedroom

was right on the line

so your bedroom is now

on someone else's land

and you are

old man sedgwick's son.

(audience laughing)

(possum squeal)

meeting time.

Are you still

my uncle?

You go down

and say hello to dad.

Ohhhh!

If my wife is watching,

I've had quite a day.

I put out a burning house,

buried a budgie,

replaced a house

with a houseboat,

and re-drew the boundary lines

across the whole community.

You know what?

I deserve a reward.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold sedgwick

and the gang at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(harold): Stand up!

Rise and shine!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): What's on your mind,

harold?

(harold): You know

that commercial, it says

four out of five dentists

recommend sugarless gum?

That 5th dentist is moving here

so you can eat

whatever you want.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!