Step Outside/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show!"

and now, here's a man who

laughs all the way

to the bank,

but drives all

the way back.

Your host,

your hero,

my uncle,

red gre-e-e-n!

(cheers and applause)

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Big, big event

at the lodge this week.

We're going to have

a dogsled race.

All the members have

brought their dogs over.

We've got enough

for a team now.

We've even got enough

for a few spares.

They're not huskies,

but they are husky.

It's amazing how

they resemble their

owners that way.

Harold, what you

got in your hair there?

What?

What?

Right there.

Oh, it's a twig.

You know, I think you may be

drinking too much water.

No, no, I was a victim

of gang violence.

What?!

Yes, yes,

I was swarmed.

Yeah, nine guys!

They threw me down

and sat on my head.

Nine guys sat

on your head?

Who was it,

the cirque du soleil?

Okay, it wasn't nine,

but the other eight

didn't stop him.

It's that new kid,

tubby johanssen.

I don't know him, harold,

but you've got to learn to

stick up for yourself.

Just nail the kid, harold.

Pow-pow!

No!

That's what I'd do.

I know.

It's no!

Violence never

solved anything.

Look at you this morning

trying to harness those

chihuahuas to the sled.

Well tubby and I,

we're going to resolve our

differences through mediation.

Oh, harold,

just nail him.

Just nail him.

No, what is the

matter with your head?

Well, for one thing,

nobody ever sat on it.

(applause)

[ôôô]

red green:

Well, this week on the show,

we've got wall-to-wall

action for you.

Lots of action happening.

Boy, lots of action happening

everywhere we go there,

out on the pond,

everywhere.

Here's something

you don't see very often.

Even harold is getting

a little action.

Uproject is showing usled

that there's no such

thing as problems;

just opportunities.

See, our dogs are all

different heights, right?

So what we're doing,

we're putting the dachshunds

and chihuahuas up front,

and we come back through

with the basset hounds

and the setters

and then the shepherds,

and right up to the

great danes at the back there.

And this way, every dog

gets to see where he's going,

which you know,

when you think about it,

is a lot better view

than they get when they're

all the same height.

(laughter)

(laughter and applause)

so, how did

it go, gandhi?

Tubby sat on

my head again.

I think next time

you should take a chair.

Well, there's not going

to be a next time.

I realize now that tubby

is just a product of a

dysfunctional family.

I'm simply going to go

over there and sit down and

discuss this with his parents.

Oh, harold,

don't be such a wuss!

Just meet the kid

in the schoolyard

and nail him!

Pow! Pow!

Just like that.

He's a bully;

he's probably a coward.

He won't even show.

Just nail him.

That's what I'd do.

No, no, I can't hit

another human being at all.

Oh, sure.

Punch me here,

punch me right now.

Punch me in the stomach.

Punch me right here.

Come on.

No! No!

It won't hurt me.

It won't hurt.

Really?

Yeah, punch me

right there.

You know what,

let her fly.

We'll both

feel better.

Come on.

Okay.

Just go ahead.

(laughter).

It's a good sized

target, isn't it?

Oh, that's funny.

Like that?

See, I don't

feel any better.

Do you feel

any better?

Are you all right?

You want me to

hit you again?

Not right now.

Now?

No, not right now.

'cause I don't ever want

to have to hit you again.

That was awful.

I don't want to

hit you ever again.

Well, fine,

suit yourself.

(coughs)

ôô oh, when you find a guy

lying in your trunk ô

ô and he's gagged,

and he's all tied up ô

ô you probably should phone

the cops right away ô

ô because chances are

he's not an escape artist ôô

it's time for

the possum lodge word game!

(applause)

and this week, mr. Mike hamar

will be playing for four hours

of unlimited fun and high jinks

at ethel's house of rubber.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Mike hamar to

say this word.

Blame.

Blame.

And go.

Okay, mike,

you do something bad,

and the cops have

nabbed you.

You don't try to get away

with it because you know

you really are to...

Drunk?

No, okay, okay.

You do something

else wrong, okay,

and the thing is you

know you're the one to...

Lie.

No.

Someone accuses you.

They are laying...

Their life

on the line?

All right, okay.

Say somebody breaks into the

lodge and steals something,

you're going to help

us find someone to...

Frame?

No, you know what,

it rhymes with frame.

Shame?

No, no, no, c'mon.

Oh, I know, maim.

Almost out of time,

uncle red.

All right, all right.

Let's say I do something stupid,

everybody knows I did it.

I go to the lodge meeting,

what do I do?

Blame harold.

(frantic bell ringing)

(crash!)

(cow mooing)

(horses neighing)

red green:

Man, don't you hate that?

You come home after a

tough day at the race track,

and your wife hasn't found time

to shovel off the driveway.

Next thing you know,

you're in the garage,

and so is the door.

You know, most vehicles

are not designed to be

garage door openers.

The best solution, of course,

is to spend your winters

in florida,

but for those of you

on a fixed income,

or maybe an income so broke

it can't be fixed,

I thought I'd take

this week's handyman corner

and show you how you could

make your own heated driveway.

The first thing you

need is a stove.

All right, well,

when you get a handyman

that is kind of short on

education and experience

he has to take

a chance with logic,

and I'm thinking,

if you've got an oven,

it's got the capability of

taking a space this small

and raising her up

to about 500 degrees.

So it just makes sense that

that would be enough power

to take a space this big

and raise it up

to above freezing.

Now, I know scientists would

probably sit down with

a computer

and figure out the b.T.U.S

required and all that,

but but I say

let's just try it,

and if it works,

well, then we got it right;

and if it doesn't work,

well, at the very least we

got through a Saturday without

being forced to go shopping.

Okay, the first thing

we want to upgrade

is the burner

because we need something

that is going to cover

a lot more ground.

I'm thinking

chain link fence.

I found this roll just

sitting on the side of

the main road there.

Actually they're building

a fence along the side

of the forest.

Hey, those trees

aren't going anywhere!

All right, what you want to do

is unroll the fence

and cut it, or whatever,

until it covers the whole

surface of your driveway.

All right,

there we go.

Got the fence all hooked up

there just like a burner.

What you want to do now is hook

the other end up to the various

elements on your stove.

(explosion)

that's got it.

(explosion)

okay, now we're ready to turn

our snow-covered driveway

into a fresh-cooked driveway;

one I call 'baked alaska.'

you set your oven to

500 degrees bake,

set your timer for spring,

and you're done.

Man.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

(electric shocks)

I want to talk

to you older fellows

who may not be what

you used to be way back when.

You know, after a certain

number of years of marriage

you may find that the romance

has gone from red hot

down into the kind of

lukewarm area.

You know, I read one time,

if you put a penny into a jar

every time you andyour wife

are intimate within the

first year of marriage

and then take out a penny

every time you and your wife

are intimate after the first

year of marriage,

you will never

empty that jar.

Take a moment now and think

about all the penny jars

at your house.

But don't feel bad.

I'm guessing your friends have

a few jars of their own.

Look at the bright side.

Take it as a sign of the

hot tamale you were back then,

rather than focusing on the

burnt-out pickle you are now.

(laughter)

you know, the way I see it,

you're pretty darn smart.

I think you should display

those penny jars with pride.

Anybody can be a stud,

but you've used it to help

finance your retirement.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(applause)

oh, yeah?!

Oh, yeah?!

Well, I'm going to be

there at 7 o'clock,

and you better be ready.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Oh, okay, yeah.

I know I am,

but what are you?

Trying to get

a date, harold?

No, no,

that was tubby.

I'm going over there, and I'm

going to straighten him out,

and I am taking the

dukes of hazard with me.

Now you're talking.

Yeah, I'm going

to clean his clock

and then fix his wagon!

He's going down.

He's going down.

Oh, yeah,

I'm ready.

Oh, yeah,

I'm wild tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow!

Could have been --

could have been.

All right, harold, you're

standing up for yourself.

Good for you, harold.

I'm drawing a line

in the sand, uncle red,

I've had it.

Oh, yeah, tubby is messing

with the wrong maroon.

Marine.

What?

All right,

that's good.

I'm going to go over there,

and I'm going to settle

this once and for all.

All right, do you want

to give me tubby's address,

so I know where

to send the ambulance?

Don't worry, I'm not

going to hit him that hard.

Oh, I know.

(laughter)

ha ha ha.

You don't worry.

I can take care of myself.

All right.

(in w.W.F. Announcer voice)

get ready to rumble!

(cheers and applause)

harold:

Welcome to this week's meeting

of men's anonymous.

And, as always, I would like to

ask my uncle red to lead us all

in the men's anonymous pledge.

Uncle red.

Everyone:

I'm a man,

but I can change

if I have to,

I guess.

(laughter and applause)

harold:

At this point in time,

at this particular juncture

at which we find ourselves,

I'd like to ask mr. Dalton "h"

to tell us his story.

Dalton "h".

Dalton:

Okay, last week my wife and I

went to shop at port asbestos,

and of course, all the way there

and all the way back she had

to tell me where to drive.

Uh-oh.

And I let her.

Yes, yesiree, I did.

And of course,

you're on the highway,

and there's all these signs

all the way along and they say,

"port asbestos turn right,"

but you know, she still

had to say, "turn right here."

I didn't say a word.

No, sir.

And I didn't do

that big sigh thing,

you know, the one?

(sighing)

I don't say a word.

I don't roll my eyes.

I don't do the head thing.

No, siree.

I just let her tell me,

and I don't say a word.

Bravo!

(applause)

all right.

There you go.

We're very proud of you.

I just need the group

to help me with one thing.

Anything.

What can we do?

Can you help me get my my

fingers unclamped from

this steering wheel?

Oh.

Pull!

(applause)

red green:

Really excited about this

week's adventure with bill

because I'm not in it.

It's harold and bill

are out there.

They're going to do

a little ice fishing.

Oh, boy.

Oh boy.

So much for that axe.

Oh, oh, that's a crack.

That ice is a little

thin there boys.

Complete opposite of yourselves.

Yeah, yeah,

good plan.

Good plan.

No, no, don't,

get out.

Get out.

Go, go, go!

All right, there you go.

That's better.

That's a little thicker,

much like yourself, harold.

There you go.

All right. Okay.

Just chop a hole there.

There, you go.

Oh-oh-oh.

You better put ice on

that injury right away.

Oh, there we go.

Now you're talking, bill.

That's a power auger.

That'll cut a hole

right through.

Just got to start that

little pup up there.

Problem with those things,

once they start cutting you've

got to keep a firm grip

'cause they'll bind on you,

and you don't always --

you can't always get

the good firm --

she's binding.

She's binding.

She's binding.

She'll spin you.

She'll spin you.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Oh, man!

Later that week,

we got fishing.

Harold, you're getting a bite,

getting a bite.

Reel her in.

Reel her in.

You get a lot of little smelts

this time of year,

smelts and herring.

Looks like you've got

a northern pike.

Oh, no, what the heck.

Holy cow!

The hole got a lot bigger.

I don't know

how that works.

What is that thing?

It's our ice fishing hut

from last season.

Oh, for gosh sake,

she's in pretty good

shape there too.

Better move that over to --

yeah, move that over to another

place there where you can --

there, there you go.

Now you've got your

own spot in there

and harold and bill --

bill, I think you should --

I don't think there's

room in there --

you can't get both of you

and the auger in there.

I don't think you can get

both of you and the auger --

bill, bill, bill, bill,

you can't --

bill, bill, you can't get --

bill you can't --

told you.

Harold, don't.

Oh, yeah, I was right.

Okay, so they get

that in there.

Now, again boys,

be careful.

Be careful.

'cause if she binds on you,

there's nowhere to go,

there's nowhere to go,

boys, if she binds on you.

Boys, she's binding.

She's binding.

She's binding.

Boys she's binding.

Shut her down.

Shut her down.

Shut her down.

You need a bigger ice shack.

Well, that's enough

from those ice holes.

Dogs for our dogsled isn't

dworking out so good.

You know, this idea of having

the big dogs at the back

looked good on paper,

but once they

started running,

you know, the dog that had a

bigger stride there,

kind of ended up going up

and over the little dogs.

So instead of two lines of dogs,

we had sort of two rolling

balls of dogs,

which would have been okay if

they were either all male

or all female.

The co-ed thing just

didn't work out at all.

(laughter and applause)

so how did it go?

I went up to tubby's,

and I wanted to hit him.

I really did.

But you know, I just realized

at the last second,

I can't strike

another human being.

Looks like tubby didn't

have that problem.

No, not tubby,

his dad!

Yeah, he came out and he threw

me down and sat on my head.

Must be genetic

or something.

Well, harold, I wish

I'd have been there.

I would have decked him.

I tell you, he would have

gone down like bri-ex shares.

Yeah, that's exactly

what I told him.

What?

Yeah, I said you wait right

there because my uncle red

is going to come over here,

and he's going

to fix your wagon.

Well, how --

how do you --

how do you mean?

Well, I said,

"just wait here,

"and he's going to come over

here, and he's going to

clean your clock."

c'mon, let's go

clean his clock.

You know I can't;

I'd loved to,

but I've got

the dogs and I've --

well, tubby's dad says

he's only going to wait

there ten minutes.

Then what?

Then he said --

you know what he said?

I'll tell you

what he said.

He said he's going

to come over here,

and he's going to beat you up

right on your own tv show.

All right.

All right.

All right.

I'm going to go over

and kick some butt.

All right,

kick his butt.

No, no, no, no,

I'm going to

kick your butt.

Come on.

Come on.

This is the repair shop

part of the show we call,

"if it ain't broke,

you're not trying."

joining me this week

is edgar montrose.

Oh, hi, red!

Hi, mom!

Edgar is kind of our local

explosions and demolitions

expert here.

I wouldn't

say expert, red.

I'm more of an

explosives enthusiast.

Self-taught,

from the school

of hard knocks

and soft apologies.

All right.

All right, okay.

Got anything for us

to fix here today?

Oh, I agree.

You know, red, I'm here

because I have this hammer

that needs repairing.

It's my good hammer.

I use it for hammering sticks

of dynamite into tight holes.

Well, why don't you just

drill bigger holes, edgar?

I don't like drilling.

I like hammering.

It really sharpens

the reflexes,

especially when the

head comes off...

Like that.

Well, now, normally

what I'd do here

is drive a metal wedge

in there to hold that on,

but we want to

be safe and secure,

so I recommend the

handyman's secret weapon,

duct tape on this.

Well, why don't you throw

a little duct tape on that?

How are the

eardrums edgar?

Oh, probably by Thursday.

Okay, edgar, I understand last

week you blew up the old flour

mill up at port asbestos.

Oh, that's right.

Boy, that baby went

off like a dry sneeze.

A huge mushroom cloud

of durum semolina.

Talk about pre-sifted.

How much would you get paid

for a demolition job like that?

Paid?

Yeah.

Oh, no, red.

Just seeing 300 tons of flour

suspended over possum lake

is all the payment I need.

I mean, to flatten that flour

mill and not even scratch the

gas station right next door.

Gas station?

No, no, next to the

flour mill you've got

the old railway shed there,

then there's

the bowling alley,

and you got

the fountain,

then there's

the gas station.

It's not next door

to the flour mill.

It is now.

(cheers and applause)

oh, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

(pounding on door)

let me in!

Ah, geez.

Geez.

Well, that

was interesting.

Turns out I was the one who was

messing with the wrong marine.

You could have warned me about

the size of the guy, harold.

I didn't think

it mattered.

You said, "oh,

I'm gonna nail him.

"you know, a couple

of quick ones,

"pop! Pop!"

oh, yeah.

I didn't think he was that

much stronger than you.

Harold, I never thought an

18-year-old kid would have

a father who was only 35.

I never expected him to be

a homicidal maniac

and a body builder.

I'll tell you, you take away

his youth, his attitude

and his steroids,

what have you got?

You.

How did you know?

I was thinking it,

but it shouldn't

have come out.

But --

really --

but you're fast.

You're in good shape.

You're fast.

Boy you were really

running there.

Don't be doing that.

No, you were.

I never would have caught you

if I wasn't in the van.

You're fast.

I wasn't running

out of fear.

Oh, no, no.

Standing and fighting that guy

was a waste of my vital time

and organs.

No point coughing

up a kidney

if there's no recipient

in the area.

I mean, I couldn't --

I couldn't reason with the guy.

But you proved yourself

to be a bigger man.

I think so.

You turned

the other cheek.

And he nailed me with

the canoe paddle.

Sorry, I should have

warned you about that.

(possum call)

it's meeting time.

Are you going to come downstairs

and tell the other fellows

about the senselessness

of violence now?

I would

if I had won.

Yeah, okay,

no, okay.

You go ahead.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I'm through with fighting,

but I haven't given up on

the physical interaction

between two adults,

unless your dad comes over

to watch the golf channel,

in which case, the pendulum

may swing back towards

violence again.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

you keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

[captions performed by

caption resource center]

harold:

Here he comes.

Sit down.

All rise!

Everyone:

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red green:

Sit down.

Harold:

Just got one quick

announcement this week.

Buster hadfield lost

his favourite knife.

He over sharpened it,

and it cut a hole in

his pants' pocket.

It escaped.

He got off lucky

that time, huh?