The Chainsaw Races/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Chainsaw Races

Opening Scene
''{Red is inside the room of a house. There are cans of paint on the floor. He is stirring from one can.}''

RED GREEN: You know, on a beautiful weekend day in the middle of trout season, the last thing you want to be doing is painting the inside of your house. Well, let's say your significant other asks you to paint the front room. Instead of whining or hiding or faking a hernia, why don't you use it as a learning experience? You'll learn that there are over 75 shades of green paint. {looks around the room; sees some newspaper duct-taped to the window} You'll also discover that two sheets of newspaper covers the average-size window. {looks at a pair of underwear lying on the floor} And you'll see the benefit of throwing your dirty laundry on the floor all these years. {looks up a floor lamp, with a pair of pants covering the lampshade} You'll also find out if you're over 55, there's a pretty good chance your pajama bottoms are large enough to fit over a standard floor lamp. {removes stirring stick from paint can, tapping on side of can in the process} Now, I know you know what a paint sprayer looks like, {sets stick down; looks at a sprinkler hose attached to some lawn sprinklers} but you probably don't realize that the hose fittings are the same size as the ones on your lawn sprinkler. {places intake hose into paint can} Okay, you're also gonna find out that you wanna get outta here before the latex hits the wall.

''{Red gets up and walks out of the room. He steps outside, holding a plug and an extension cord.}''

RED GREEN: And now if you'll be kind enough to excuse me, I got some painting to do.

''{Red plugs in the painting machine into the extension cord. There is a humming noise coming from inside the house while Red stands there for a few seconds. He then unplugs the painting machine inside. The noise stops. Red pauses briefly.}''

RED GREEN: Now the second coat...

''{Red plugs in the machine again and the noise resumes. Suddenly, a stream of green paint spews out of the open mail slot and hits Red in the seat of his pants, but he doesn't know this. He unplugs the machine.}''

RED GREEN: Now, while you're waiting for the paint to dry, you can call a few buddies and brag to them about how smart you are.

{Red turns and walks off, the paint clearly showing on the rear of his pants as he leaves.}

Intro
''{Red enters the lodge, waving to the camera and the cheering audience. He holds a chainsaw in his hand, which is duct-taped to a skateboard.}''

RED GREEN: Okay! Thank you very much. You know, I appreciate that. I guess you know that this is the big weekend: the second annual chainsaw races up here. {holds up chainsaw on skateboard} We mount the chainsaws onto skateboards like this, and, uh... {grins} Boy, these babies ever move, I'll tell ya! {laughs} You take that throttle wide open; this baby takes off on you! {chuckles} Zero to sixty in under five seconds, you know. Even more if you remember to let go. And talk about a crowd pleaser! We could have chainsaw races every month if people would heal faster.

{Suddenly, the front door opens and Harold runs in, looking excited.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red! Uncle Red! {runs up to Red}

RED GREEN: {smiling} They're excited! They're excited, Harold! They're excited, yeah, yeah!

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing outside with thumb} Uncle Red, are you coming out to meet the bus?

RED GREEN: {suddenly concerned} Bus? What bus?

HAROLD GREEN: The bus! The bus for the Intellectually Gifted Children's Club!

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, they booked the lodge for the entire weekend! {takes out Palm Pilot} Look, see? It's right here on my Palm Pilot! {pushes some buttons and then shows it to Red} Haw!

RED GREEN: Well, uh... lemme check my Palm Pilot... {looks at open palm} Oh yeah, here it is. {shows off palm with annoyance; a message is written on it: "So What"} So what? I can't meet the bus, Harold, I gotta work on my chainsaw for the races.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} We got a whole program planned for these special kids.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah? What're you gonna do, clean and reload your pocket protectors?

HAROLD GREEN: No! But we have vegetable cloning. Ha-ha-ha! Yes! And Warhammer action figure painting classes, and a chance to dress up as your very favorite alien Star Trek character, which is so cool!

RED GREEN: You know what you should do, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: What?

RED GREEN: You should bring the kids to the chainsaw races.

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head} No.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no.

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's just that people are very intelligent and have low pain thresholds.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} The spectators will be perfectly safe, Harold. I mean, {points behind him} we're holding them up in the dry riverbed up by Rock Reef Point there. There's absolutely no chance that anybody's gonna get hurt.

''{Harold groans. Suddenly, they hear the sound of a chainsaw racing past the lodge. Two trees that can be seen from the windows fall down as the chainsaw goes past. Red runs out the front door after it, holding his chainsaw, while Harold stays behind, looking at the camera with confusion.}''

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

{The camera pulls back to reveal Winston, holding a book, standing behind the card table where Red and Dalton are seated.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Tonight's winner gets a copy of my brand new book. Now, this is for people who find the For Dummies book a little too complicated.

''{Winston pulls out the book. The cover reads "DRESSING YOURSELF... FOR UTTER MORONS" and shows a drawing of a man in a blue shirt sitting on a man in an orange shirt.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: "Dressing Yourself for Utter Morons."

{Winston opens the book and shows off a page in it, which reads "#4 SHOES LAST" and features a drawing of a red shoe.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Number four: shoes last. {closes book} Okay Dalton, cover your ears. {Dalton does so} Red, you have thirty seconds to get Dalton to say this word: {picks up word sign and turns it around} "Early". "Early".

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {puts down word sign} And go!

RED GREEN: Okay Dalton, you set your alarm clock 'cause you want to wake up...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...irritable.

RED GREEN: Okay, if you're not late, you're...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...still alive!

RED GREEN: Oh, no, oh, no. Okay, which bird gets the worm?

DALTON HUMPHREY: The big-name one?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Almost out of time, guys.

RED GREEN: All right, um, um, {snaps fingers} okay. Dalton, what makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Do I look like I know?

RED GREEN: No, no. But– But– But you do know. Something to bed, something to rise.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {thinking} Oh...

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no. Okay. No, no, no, no, no. You know that when you go to a party, and you get there before you should, you are...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...alone.

RED GREEN: Why did you figure alone?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Because if I take Anne-Marie, I never get anywhere early.

RED GREEN: There it is! {rings bell rapidly}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You won! {hands his book to Dalton}

Handyman Corner
''{Out beyond the lodge, a white car drives across a field, playing really loud rock music on the radio. It passes by Red, who stands there, covering his ears from that music.}''

RED GREEN: {pointing at car} That's the future of our country right there: a 15-horsepower car with a 300-horsepower radio! And the music's terrible! {walks along} 'Course, that's why they play it so loud, 'cause they know you'd never listen to it, if you had a choice. {walks up to a white van parked close by} Now, I know, as you get older, you're supposed to mature and accept things around and just keep quiet. {stops walking and puts hands on hips} To me, that means everybody in the cemetery is about as mature as you can get. I prefer to stay childish. {opens a van door} So this time on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna strike back by turning this van into the world's largest boombox. Now, they don't the size of speaker I have in mind, so I have to make my own. {holds up hands} How hard can it be? For starters, I need a real big magnet to put on the back of my speaker.

''{Red looks down inside the van. On the floor is a metal bucket filled high with various refrigerator magnets. He takes the bucket and tries to pull it up.}''

RED GREEN: So... {grunts with the effort of pulling bucket; pulls it forward a few inches at a time} I took every fridge magnet that anybody's ever given me, and I put 'em into this metal bucket. They're from insurance guys, pizza delivery places... {pulls bucket out of van; bucket then sticks to side of van} religious fanatical groups. {tries very hard to pull bucket off van} Boy, that's a strong magnet!

''{After much effort, Red succeeds in pulling the metal bucket off the van. But then the bucket gets drawn to a metal wall inside the van, dragging Red in along with it. The bucket full of magnets gets stuck to the wall, sticking out lengthwise. Red gets up.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, perfect. {looks at where bucket stuck} That's right where I want it. {wipes hands together} That saved me a little time.

''{Red looks at his watch. But it doesn't make a usual ticking sound. Red holds it up to his ear and shakes it a few times. Red looks puzzled, then gets to his feet.}''

RED GREEN: Okay.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: You know, after you get married, there are things you need to learn that nobody ever talks about. They're not in any manual, and neither your parents nor your teachers are ever gonna mention 'em. So I guess it's my job. Okay, here's the main one: to survive as a happily-married man, you have to learn how to sneak food. {smiles and nods} You gotta pretend that when you're getting out of bed in the middle of the night, it's because you heard a clunking sound coming from the basement, not because you heard a grumbling sound coming from your own stomach. You gotta be able to find the kitchen in the dark. You gotta be able to unplug the fridge so that when you open the door, the light doesn't come on. {makes a fast eating motion} You gotta eat the food real fast. And when your wife calls down to find out what you're doing, {pretends to stuff food in his mouth} you gotta be able to stuff it all into one cheek, so that you can answer her without the telltale sound of a mouthful of cold lasagna. Then when you're finished, you gotta be able to hide all the evidence and climb back into bed. And if she starts making advances toward you, don't give in to her. She's not feeling romantic, she's trying to frisk you for Twinkies! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Side Segment
''{The Possum Van is pulled over by a police car on a dirt road. Red drives the Possum Van with Dalton and Mike as his passengers.}''

RED GREEN: And... what's this about?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, were you speeding?

RED GREEN: Speeding? In the Possum Van, Dalton? Well, I left my wallet at home. I got no driver's license. Quick, Dalton, switch places with me!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Okay, all right, okay.

{Red and Dalton try to squeeze through to exchange seats, with Dalton now in the driver's seat.}

RED GREEN: All right, all right, all right, sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay, we're good, we're good. There we go. Yeah.

MIKE HAMAR: Is that a good idea? I think Dalton's been drinking.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, I have not, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Really? He acts this way all the time?

RED GREEN: Yeah. {to Dalton} Just get your license out, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No problem.

RED GREEN: The cop will be up here any second.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yes.

RED GREEN: What's taking him so long anyway?

MIKE HAMAR: He's probably running the check on the license plates.

RED GREEN: No, I don't think so. {pulls out the Possum Van's license plate and shows it to Mike}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Hey, what's today's date?

RED GREEN: Uh, it's the 14th.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, I think my license has expired, unless it's still 1997.

RED GREEN: No, that was years ago, Dalton.

MIKE HAMAR: Although your wardrobe implies 1962.

RED GREEN: Well, what do we do now, guys?

MIKE HAMAR: Hey, I got a license, let me drive!

RED GREEN: All right.

''{Mike, Red and Dalton all squeeze through and utter words of pain to exchange seats again. This time, Mike takes the driver's seat.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, we're fine, we're fine.

MIKE HAMAR: It'll be smooth sailing from here on. Just let me do the talking, okay?

RED GREEN: Let me see your license, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, sure. {hands license to Red}

RED GREEN: "Haisuz Rodriguez?"

MIKE HAMAR: It was my maiden name.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {calls on cell phone} Oh, hello, police? I would like to report a robbery in progress at the main intersection in Port Asbestos. Uh, huh, my name? Um... {Red shows Mike's license to Dalton} Haisuz Rodriguez.

{Dalton puts the phone back as the police car heads off.}

The Experts
{The camera slowly zooms in on Winston.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Experts portion of the show, where we address those three little words men find so hard to say:

''{Winston gestures out toward the audience. He is revealed to be sitting on a chair, with a table in front of it. Next to his chair, Red and Dwight are sitting on a car-themed couch.}''

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW! {headlights on car couch light up with each word}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Those are the words. And, uh, {looks toward Dwight} joining us today, marina owner and idle curiosity, Dwight Cardiff. {Dwight nods slightly} All right, fellas, {holds up letter} here's the letter: {reading} "Dear Experts, I have recently thought about taking up skydiving and wanted to know if you had any tips." {looks up}

RED GREEN: Okay, yeah, sure. Now, every guy has a voice in his head that stops him from doing dumb things. Actually, if you're married, you have two of 'em. And the loud one isn't even yours. But this voice stops you from doing idiotic stuff like jumping out of airplanes, or quitting your job to become a mime, or sharing your thoughts.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yeah, I agree with you. I think skydiving's nuts! I mean, I have my own business. So if I jump out of a plane and do a face-plant into the ground at 120 miles an hour, I'm off work without pay!

RED GREEN: You're off everything without anything.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Well, I like skydiving. I think it's a great sport. You get some guy to suit you up, strap on your chute, and all you have to do is fall. Gravity does all the work. And of course, you have to stay loose, and I'm real good at staying loose. {smiles}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Boy, I tell you what, if I fell out of an airplane, I'd be so loose I'd come undone!

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Well, you'd be surprised. Falling thousands of feet in a few seconds can be very relaxing. Sometimes I fall asleep on the way down.

RED GREEN: Yeah, but Dwight, you have a very low drowse threshold. I've seen you fall asleep water-skiing.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Well, it's a lot of fun. We have a great time.

RED GREEN: We? You mean you're not the only wacko that jumps out of that plane?

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Oh, no. Junior, Buster, Stinky and I go every other Saturday.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {looking thoughtful} Okay, well, you know something? {points toward Dwight} That's a little bit different. Yeah, that's not so crazy, 'cause if you get a bunch of guys to go with you, it's– it's more like, uh, bonding.

RED GREEN: Okay, well, there's our answer. {looks into camera} Okay, this viewer, it's great for you to go skydiving, as long as you get a bunch of guys to go with you.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

RED GREEN: Yeah, but you gotta get everybody to check with their wives first and make sure that it's okay.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: And if the wives say no, the guys don't go, right?

RED GREEN: Absolutely right, and if the wives say yes, I'd say all your marriages are in trouble.