The Lodge Election/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

There's nothing scarier than

when your doctor delivers

the bad news...

That you gotta

eat more vegetables

and cut down

on your drinking.

Talk about a double whammy.

Well, here's a trick that

will make everybody happy...

Drink your vegetables.

I'm not talking about getting

one of those fancy juicers.

I say use your

garbage disposal.

It's self-cleaning,

doesn't take up any

counter space,

and it won't cost you

an arm and a leg,

unless you get your suspenders

caught in the blades.

Now, I put a y-connector on

the output side of the unit.

And in this position,

it's just a regular

garbage disposal.

The goo just goes

down the drain.

But for juicer mode,

I swing her over

to the dispenser,

and you put a

glass underneath her.

I would recommend

you use a beer stein.

Presentation is everything.

And I just throw in

a handful of vegetables,

and it's just what

the doctor ordered.

Let's toss this salad.

Full of vitamins...

And minerals.

[ cheers and applause ]

thanks very much.

Appreciate it.

Yeah.

Big kerfuffle up

at the lodge this week.

Harold lost his wallet.

Everybody's lookin' all

over the place for it,

because he's the one guy who

actually has money in it.

Turns out I had it

in my pocket.

I forgot I'd

borrowed it from him

to use a credit card

to jimmy open a pay toilet.

And then I got the wallet out,

and I saw a library card

in there,

and I thought, boy,

this can't be my wallet.

Uncle red, they said

you found my wallet.

Yeah, there it is,

harold.

Oh! Thank goodness.

Thank goodness.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, thank you.

So where was it,

on the floor,

up in the rafters or

something like that

I bet, huh?

Did you just

kiss me, harold?

My way of saying

thank you.

Well, a wedgie is my way of

saying your welcome.

Hey!

Don't ever do that.

I won't.

But the good news is that

while we were looking

for his wallet

we found a whole bunch of

other stuff that we

thought we'd lost.

We got loose

change and tools,

a motorcycle.

Old man sedgwick's

brother.

Mr. Green! Mr. Green!

Look what we found.

Yeah, it's the original

lodge charter.

From the very first

days of the lodge.

Yeah, we found it

in a can of rat poison.

[ all coughing ]

okay, red, there's good news

and there's bad news.

Now, the good

news is, uh --

okay, the bad news is

the charter says

that the lodge leader

can only serve for...

I-v years,

whatever that is.

I-v must mean I need

to be hooked up

with a drip.

Well, I am.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Iv is the roman numeral

for the number four.

That means we have

to have an election

every four

roman years.

You've been

holding office

illegally, red!

We have to have an

election for a

new leader.

Well, fine,

then have an election,

if you can find anybody

to run against me.

I will.

I will.

I will.

Okay, all you have to do

is pay five dollars to get

your name on on the ballot,

and you're

a candidate.

I'm out.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives this coupon

for a personalized gift

from zelda's body

waxing parlour,

"where we remove your hair

and then remold the wax

"into a romantic candle

with a thousand wicks."

okay, cover your ears,

winston.

Uh, mr. Green,

you've got 30 seconds

to get winston

to say this word....

Yeah, all right,

mike.

And... Go!

Uh, okay, winston,

you say this before dinner.

Pass the ketchup.

No, no, this is

more of a prayer.

Hope we're not

having asparagus.

No, no.

Okay, say you wanna

get into heaven,

but you committed

a lot of sins,

you appeal to god's...

Sense of humour.

No, no, winston,

this is what saves people.

Amazing...

Luck.

No, okay, gonna go

another way with it.

Let's you meet somebody

who's elegant and charming.

You would say

they're full of...

It.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

You know, there was

this great actress,

she made a bunch of movies.

In fact, her name

described her best feature.

Oh, chesty morgan!

Uh, we're almost

outta time, mr. Green.

Yeah, yeah.

Winston, every year,

at the annual lodge dinner,

you stand up and say,

"holy..."

I-I can't say that

on tv, red.

I'll disgrace myself.

There we go!

We have a lodge member

who has a new show

on the port asbestos

tv station

and it features one of his

favourite activities...

Snowmobiling.

I should get a watch.

But he'll be

here in a minute.

Uh, his name

is blair cobden,

and it's just so nice

to see a young person

with some get up and go.

[ snowmobile ]

[ crash! ]

red: Okay, how's

it goin', blair?

Good.

I picked up

your mail.

Yeah, all right,

just, uh, have

a seat.

Boy, it's got to

be great to have a

snowmobiling show,

eh, blair?

You can shoot it

in the winter

and then spend

all summer to heal.

Actually, red, they actually

make me shoot the show

in the hot weather.

The station only

has the one camera.

They use it in the winter

to shoot peewee hockey.

Oh, okay, well, what

I thought we'd do

is run a few clips

from your show,

and then you and I can

talk about what

we're seein'.

That's not what

I would do,

but, hey,

this is your show.

Uh, all right.

Well, okay.

Blair: So this is me

takin' out the sled.

I had one of those garage door

remote thingys installed.

For security, because I didn't

want anybody stealing

the sled back.

But for some

unknown reason

the thing started to mess with

my neighbour's fancy suv.

I'm wondering maybe

if you picked up his

remote by mistake.

No, I had the

right controller.

I just -- I got this

metal plate in my head,

and I think it messes

with electronic signals.

When there's a full moon,

I get hbo.

Red: Oh, there she goes.

Okay. Okay.

She's opening up now.

All right, so there's

the unit there.

Okay, now -- wow!

Uh, okay, is it safe to

drive a snowmobile on

the road like that?

Yeah, I think so,

but it's pretty loud.

I gotta keep her under

80 kliks or I can't

hear the radio.

Blair: Oh, this is

my buddy gary.

He's hitchhiking because he

trashed his girlfriend's car.

You didn't exactly stop

for him, though.

The sled stalls

when I stop,

so gary had to find a way

to jump on at high speed.

Anyway, what I wanted

to show the viewers, red,

is that having a snowmobile

is just as good as

having a car.

Red: Oh, yeah, I see that.

I see that.

Blair: You can make

anything work,

as long as you put

your mind to it.

You know, a snowmobile

is an awesome machine.

I don't even miss

driving a car.

Oh, that's right.

How did you lose

your license again?

Put it this way,

if you ever hit a moose

while driving a forklift,

you just keep driving --

[ applause ]

you know, we all

have preowned vehicles

of unspecified value,

strategically placed

throughout our

real estate holdings.

The question is, can you do

anything with crap?

Obviously the

answer is yes.

We're in our 14th season.

For example, why not take

everything that still

works from the car

and use it to upgrade

this old fishing boat?

With a little work

and way too much imagination

we can turn this

unit into something

that really kicks bass.

To get the engine

out of this baby,

you wanna soak the motor

mounts with penetrating oil.

Loosen 'em up a little bit.

They're rusted on

there pretty solid.

This stuff would make

a great laxative.

Okay, I got the engine and

transmission mounted up

front here.

It's front wheel drive,

so that made it easier.

But I'm going to need

something to use as a rudder.

Possum lake's pretty small,

so you need to

be able to steer.

You know, I'm thinking one of

these doors would make

a dandy rudder.

That one.

Okay, got the steering

all hooked up

so that my door rudder

is pulled side to side.

When I turn the --

oh, she's locked.

Gotta turn the key on.

[ warning signal beeping ]

what the heck?

Oh, the door's open.

I made some

other changes too.

I tuned the car radio

to the weather station,

and I disconnected

the speedo

and hooked the mechanism

up to the sun visor.

That makes it

into a fish scale.

I also left the

rearview mirror on there

so you can see

the one that got away.

And you know, the armrest and

headrest make dandy

boat fenders.

But she's still

a little front heavy,

which is okay for a

lot of things in life,

but a boat isn't

one of 'em.

There we go.

Okay, not only have I solved

the front heavy problem,

I've installed a 360°

swivel fishing chair,

something every

bass fisherman wants.

And that's

an oversized tire,

in case you have a fat bass.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

And now if

you'll excuse me,

I've got bigger fish to fry.

[ applause ]

there was a

movie that came out

back around the time

bernice and I got married.

It had a line in it

that said,

"love means never

having to say you're sorry."

it was a love story.

I don't remember the title.

Anyway, as the

years went by,

we learned that love not

only means having to

say you're sorry,

but most times you

actually have to mean it.

These days, sorry is a part

of our daily vocabulary,

along with "ow," "oops,"

and "how did that happen?"

my wife and I

are sorry a lot.

For instance, I'm sorry

I snored last night.

And bernice is sorry she tried

to smother me with a pillow.

Likewise, bernice is sorry

she bought me that sweater

with the elves on it.

And I'm sorry I used it

to mop up the paint spill.

See, sorry works.

It's the best

tool we have.

At least until they

build a time machine

so we can go back and

not do the stupid things

we're apologizing for.

That movie was wrong.

Love is not

never having to

say you're sorry.

If you spend your life with

one woman and never apologize,

you're in for a

rough ride, believe me.

I know you didn't

wanna hear that.

Sorry.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all

in this together.

[ ♪ upbeat jazz ]

♪ cheers ♪

♪ here's to

you and me ♪

♪ baby, can't you see ♪

♪ we can win the day ♪

♪ show the way ♪

♪ we've got the

world before us ♪

♪ we're gonna be rich

not poor us ♪

♪ don't be a brontosaurus ♪

♪ go to it,

we can do it ♪

[ ♪♪ ]

this is going to

be broadcast nationally,

so don't be

nervous, okay.

[ shuddering ]

welcome to "decision debate"

with your host harold green.

[ voice cracking ]

I'm harold.

Each candidate has

30 sexist -- seconds --

seconds --

30 seconds to discuss

what they're going to be

discussing --

we'll start with

winston rothschild.

Thank you, uh, harold.

Friends, you know me.

You know that I'm there

when you have a problem.

Like when your septics

explode and you can't breathe

and your eyes are

watering so bad

that is shrinks your tie.

But I go in there

and I clean up the problem

and I take it

away with me...

And dump it in the lake.

So you have a chance

to show your appreciation.

Now, according

to the polls,

I'm in the deep

stuff right now.

So I'm counting on each

and every one of you

to suck it up and cast a vote

for winston rothschild.

We all know politics stinks.

So why not send a guy

who's used to it?

[ applause ]

that's 30 seconds.

Thank you.

Now mr. Mike hamar.

Thank you, harold.

A vote for mike hamar

is a vote for honesty.

And change.

And me.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you,

rip taylor.

Okay --

actually, uncle red,

mike still has 15 seconds.

Mike: Huh?!

Yeah.

And, uh --

oh, also, um --

oh, I almost forgot,

if elected, I promise --

and that's 30!

Okay, good.

You wanna be fair here.

Okay, uncle red.

Well, I don't have

much to say.

I've been doin'

the job for 20 years.

If you're okay with that,

toss me a vote.

And if you're not,

get somebody else,

and I'll get over it.

[ applause ]

uncle red,

you promised nothing.

And I'm just

the man to do it.

[ cheers and applause ]

red: Walter was having trouble,

couldn't get his car going,

so both of us opened the hood

and pretended we knew what

we were doing.

We're just touching

stuff, basically.

[ honking ]

okay, that's the horn.

I figured maybe if I hook up

some jumper cables,

something should happen.

I was right.

So now walter's flashing the

work light in my face

and I wanna get him under the

car as quickly as possible.

Maybe it's something to do

with the transmission linkage.

Just get away, get on

the other side of things.

He needs a little

help getting under.

He can't get far

enough under the car.

So I may have

overreacted here.

But you know,

you stop him

and wheel him back in.

It's okay, I have

a license for this.

And then we

bring him through.

He's complaining

a little bit.

Let's just push him

back under enough to --

there, now you can

get to work.

Okay, later that day...

I was helping

as much as I could.

I decided maybe I'd go

and get myself a coffee,

but being thoughtful,

I asked walter

if he'd like a coffee too.

And he said yes, he would.

He'd have a double latte

mocha frappuccino,

with, what was it,

two artificial sweeteners

and just a dash

of cocoa powder,

just a slice of my life

I'll never get back.

So I jump in

the possum van.

I'm trying to do

the good thing.

I didn't realise that the cord

from the work light --

but to me, walter

could've just let go,

but oh no.

And you know,

I told him before,

if you can't see the mirrors,

I can't see you.

Now, of course, I didn't even

realise that, uh --

you know, if I'd have known

walter was with me,

I wouldn't have

gotten them to go.

And my hand is still

twitchin' from the --

and walter's mad at me,

throws the coffee,

and that starts the car!

Can you believe it?

See, I told him not

to get the decaf.

Oh, and one more

for mike.

Yes!

And uncle red.

And finally...

Winston.

Winston.

So tally

the votes now.

Okay.

I can't believe

I got so many votes.

Nobody can.

Well, it's a tie,

a three-way tie.

It can't be a tie.

That's impossible.

Did you vote?

Yeah.

Did you vote?

Yeah.

Did you vote?

Oh, I didn't vote!

I didn't vote.

I still got two minutes before

the polling stations close.

I gotta hurry.

Whew!

Red: What is it?

Who'd you vote for?

Ah! Uncle red!

[ applause ]

well, as official scrutineer,

I declare red our

new lodge leader.

Red: All right,

I accept that.

The people have spoken.

[ possum squealing ]

and so has the possum.

Meeting time.

Yeah, you guys go ahead.

I'll be right down.

Sorry, guys.

[ chuckling ]

so, uh, harold,

uh, how come you

voted for me?

No. No. No. No.

Away you go.

Go on.

Away you go.

Get outta here.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I won the election,

and I'm hoping to make our bed

into my party platform.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching,

on behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down.

Everybody, sit down.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

All right, men, once again,

you've elected me

as lodge leader.

I just want you to know that

I don't feel any better

about it than you do.

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