Bingo Was His Name/Transcript

The complete transcript for Bingo Was His Name

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies Red by drumming his fingers on a plastic gas can.}

RED GREEN:
 * There's a dampness in the meadow
 * When the old red rooster calls.
 * There's a lot of condensation
 * Where the roof used to join the walls.
 * There's a wetness in my mattress
 * And puddles on the dresser.
 * The lesson here is don't make beer
 * If your tank can't hold the pressure.

Handyman Corner
{Red sits on an upside-down bucket as he skims with some delight through various ads for different cars.}

RED GREEN: Boy, you know, in his lifetime, my dad had a lot of pretty distinctive cars: the old DeSoto there with the big fins on her. {chuckles as he looks at another ad} Oh, gosh, yeah, the big heavy Studebaker. Remember them? Pointed at both ends. Just like dad. {chuckles again as he looks at another ad} Oh, man, I loved the Corvair. It had the fancy trim on the side. Another dent on the roof every time you flipped her. On these things, the gas mileage was brutal on them there. {puts ads in pants pocket} And the body would rust out every three years on her, and, uh, any collision over ten miles an hour, of course, was fatal. But you just didn't care, you know? {chuckles as he gets to his feet and walks over to a car with its trunk lid open} 'Course, nowadays, the way they're making the cars, they all look the same. This is 'cause they got computers design them, eh, so they're aerodynamic and fuel efficient and all that stuff. {as he continues walking, it is revealed that the car has a canoe on the roof and oars lying against the side} But, hey, after you do a little bit of shopping or maybe pack for a trip or something, that theory goes right out the window. {pushes canoe off of car roof and walks toward car trunk} Of course, the fundamental problem with this is the message that all cars should be the same. How long is it gonna be before they start saying that all people should be the same, eh? {opens trunk lid and takes out a small stepladder} Then a lot of us are in trouble, especially me. {takes out an ironing board out of trunk} To me, people are distinctive individuals and their vehicles should reflect that.

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you guys who are going to face a problem when you get older. I'm not talking about extra ear and nose hair. {shakes head} I'm talking about the inability to remember special occasions. The day will come when suddenly you realize that last year you forgot her birthday, your anniversary, Valentine's Day, and Christmas. {holds up both hands} Now, I know, nobody remembers your special occasions, do they, eh? Opening day of bass season? Anybody buy you a bag of worms? {shakes head} You can live with their insensitivity, but they can't handle yours. And right now you're thinking, wasn't it about a year ago you got into trouble for something or other? {nods} You know what that means? You got a special occasion coming up, don't you? And you have no idea what it is, do you? {shakes head} Well, neither do I. {holds up index finger} But here's what you do: go out now and buy a gift, now, all right? Wrap it up, hide it in the garage, now. Get a flowery card that just says "I love you" on it, all right? {folds hands together} Now, just wait around for the day in question. You'll be able to tell because she'll be ticked off with you. She'll get into the sighing, tapping her foot on the floor, saying stuff like, "You know, I could have married any of your friends!" What you do then, go get the gift, bring it out, just yell, "Surprise!" "Surprise," like that. It will make you look like a hero; you might even get to sleep in your own bed. And maybe not right away! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 4
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Here's a little tip for those

who live where there's

lots of snow.

And with l nino, that's

pretty much everybody.

Now, to protect

the eavestroughs from getting

the ice in on there.

You can get these expensive

kind of special coils,

or heating coils, really.

They go right onto

the roof like that.

But I say why bother

when you already got

christmas lights up there, huh?

After new year's, get up there,

take all your christmas lights

out and replace them

with pennies.

When these things heat up,

it'll melt all

the ice anyhow, huh?

It saves you dollars

and makes cents.

You know, you might want

to check the fine print

on your fire insurance policy

before you try this.

It's he red green show!

[ cheering ]

and now, here he is, the man

who's got so much on the go,

that it got up and went.

Your host and hero,

but my uncle, red green!

[ cheering ]

thank you very much,

appreciate it.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

Possum lodge is about to be

declared an official religion.

A r-r-r-religion?

Oh, pray tell.

Oh, come on, harold.

Hey, it makes sense, doesn't it?

We have weekly meetings,

we have members,

and we have certain

unique beliefs

that separate us

from the rest of society.

And society thanks you for that,

but why...Why do you have

to be a religion?

Because that makes us

a registered

non-profit organization.

See, religions can do things

that other clubs can't.

What? Perform

weddings?

Bingo!

Oh, no!

No, who would want

to get married here?

What, you can't walk up

the aisle without tripping

over dead bears

and oily car parts.

What? No, don't.

Not weddings, harold,

bingo, you know, bingo.

You're going to play bingo?

Bingo. We're going to make

a fortune here, harold.

You'll charge people

to come here to play bingo.

Bingo.

And he thought

I was stupid.

Bingo.

It's time to play

the possum lodge word game,

and today's grand prize

allows you to call

the sexiest movie star

you've ever seen.

And that grand prize:

A shiny new quarter.

And playing for this quarter

with my uncle red

is mr. Kevin black, city

slicker turned possum laker.

Welcome.

[ cheering ]

ok, mr. Black, you have

30 seconds to get

my uncle red to say this word...

All right,

harold.

Oh, ok...And go.

Ok, mr. Green.

Uh, let's say

you buy

a piece of

real estate.

Overpay.

No, you're going to sell it

for more than you paid for it.

Now, what is that called?

A miracle?

No, all right, let's say

you buy something,

and then you sell it

for a profit

before you even have

to pay for it, what's that?

The '80s.

You're almost out

of time, mr. Black.

All right,

all right, uh, uh.

Mr. Green, let's say

I buy something,

then I immediately sell it

for a profit, what have I done?

Undermined the basic

fabric of society.

[ laughing ]

you're...You're quite hopeless,

but I think you know that.

And I believe that

quarter should be mine.

I'll flip you for it.

[ ringing ]

very good.

Under the "b"...Cash.

Under the "I"...I'm rich.

Under the "n"...

N you thought I was stupid.

Under the "g"...

Gee, look at all the money.

And under the "o"...Oh, yeah.

You made all

that money from bingo?

Yeah, harold, we only had

two bingos called,

so we get to keep the pot.

Old man sedgwick jumped up

and yelled, "ognib!",

but his card was upside down.

How are you doing on the

registration form, harold?

Oh, pretty good,

oh, pretty good.

The government asked

a few more questions

about your new religion

for their files.

All right.

Uh, they want to know

if you have a name

for your new religion --

I suggested, "god help us".

I don't think so.

How about the sacred

church of the possum?

Sacred church

of the possum.

Do you have

a patron saint?

Saint bernard.

And how do you feel

about life after death?

Oh, I don't know, harold.

I'll tell you what.

I believe in life before death.

So, you just-- I don't care.

You fill out any way you want.

You can make yourself

a sacrificial virgin.

[ chuckling ]

no, no, no, I'm going

to be a deacon.

Yeah, yeah, 'cause I-- you know,

like a saintly presence.

Like an angel that shines

a light for all to see.

A beacon of hope for the meek

and the downtrodden.

That's good.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to call myself

deacon beacon.

Ok?

Hey, you can answer the phone...

"don't be freakin', this is

geekin' deacon beacon speakin'."

bingo.

So this week,

on andyman corner,

I'm going to show you how

you can customize your car,

so that it'll stand out

on the road, in the parking lot,

and in the police compound --

let's start with the front end.

See, I kind of got a piece

of garden hose--

this has been sitting on here,

out in the sun,

for about three days.

And it has actually

taken on the shape

of the front end of the car.

So, now this becomes

our pattern, eh, our jig,

so we can cut something out,

make a little piece of trim

that will go right on

and fit perfectly

onto the front end of the car.

What are we going to use?

Don't get ahead of me now.

All right, I got my pattern

all traced out on the canoe now.

All I have to do is cut her off.

And for that, I'm going to use

one of these fancy

little coping saws.

It's just ideal for

cutting curvy lines.

All right, the saw

seems to be coping

a little better than I am.

[ chain saw starting ]

ah, she's really starting

to take shape, isn't she?

And how about this little

nifty feature, huh?

Hideaway headlights.

Actually, these are

just pails, yeah.

You cut them out and leave

the bottom in there.

See, so under normal conditions,

the headlight is hidden.

But as you get going,

the wind grabs here and just

lifts this baby right up

and exposes the headlight, see?

So the faster you go,

the better you can see, huh?

So if you're driving at night

and the visibility

is not too good, just speed up.

By the way, these hinges

are 100% duct tape,

and it's called

the himmelman hinge.

Himmelman was actually

a lodge member.

He was actually by the lodge

the other day,

but his artificial knees

have not worked out so well...

In the hot weather, they stick

to the inside of his pant legs.

Anyway, speaking of himmelman,

let's do something

for the back end.

All right now, this is actually

just an ironing board,

but I'm using it

as a spoiler, huh?

Heh, heh, heh, I feel spoiled.

Well, something's spoiled,

that's for sure.

And you see these fins?

Canoe paddles, ha, ha, ha.

That's all this is.

How about this?

See my rollbar here?

You know what this is?

It's a kid's swing, huh?

It's amazing

what a person can do.

You know something that bugs me

too about the new cars?

They come with

no chrome on them, huh?

Fully loaded, no chrome, none.

I don't go for that.

So I'm going to add

some chrome to this baby.

And you can get a tape

like it's kind of a mylar.

I'm not exactly sure

what it's called,

but it's like duct tape,

only silverier.

Just lay it down...

Well, there's nothing like

chrome to create an image, eh?

I bet this is burning a pretty

good image into that tv camera.

But that's just how easy it is

to let people know

that you're different.

You're not one of them.

It'll make you feel good,

and it'll make them feel

even better.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome...

[ engine sputtering

and finally starting ]

they should at least

find you handy.

You are in such trouble, mister.

Just stay calm,

harold, all right?

We're caught on a little

technicality on the lodge

being an organized religion.

Probably need to be

a bit more organized, I guess.

Yeah, government says

you're not even a religion.

Says you're not even

a pagan ritual.

And you got to have a gaming

licence to run bingo.

Now we all got to go jail

and eat bland food

and marry our own gender -- oh!

No, no, no--

yes, yes!

Harold.

What?

Don't panic, ok?

We're not done yet.

Ohhh.

I had, I had a meeting

with the church elders.

We sacrificed a couple of beers.

And, uh, we came up with a plan,

what we call our holy doctrine.

The government boys

are coming tonight

to look at our bingo game --

we must convince them

that it's actually

a church service.

Oh!

How are you going to do that?

Well, we got sinners.

That's a good start.

Yeah, we

got those.

We figure we'll have

some confessions.

You know how the guys

love to brag.

All we need now is just a

sermon to top that off, harold.

You're not telling

your story about

the bird and the manure again?

Oh, no, no, not me, harold.

You're the deacon.

You'll be doing the ceremony.

Me? No way!

No! Uh-uh.

No, no.

Yes, yes.

I've excommunicated

myself from

this cult.

No, you should have

thought of that before

you took your vows, young man.

Don't worry, I can help you.

We'll be fine.

We won't be able to fake out

these government people.

Sure we are.

They're from the tax department.

They've never been

to church either.

Welcome to the

expert portion of the show.

This is the part

of the program where we examine

those three little words

that men find hard to say.

I don't know.

Ha, ha, that's good.

And joining my uncle today

is ranger gord.

[ cheering ]

ok, here we go.

Letter number one.

"dear experts, ranger gord is

the best person on your show."

"he is down to earth,

yet uncommonly brilliant."

"all the women in possum lake"

"must be crazy for him."

aw, gord doesn't need anybody

to be crazy for him.

I think there's

more there, harold.

Oh, uh, "there is no one

better than ranger gord"

"on the show, is there?"

no, I don't think so.

Uh, I doubt it.

Red, what's

you're feeling on that?

Who wrote that letter, harold?

Ok, not really the perfect

crime, gord.

Maybe you

shouldn't have signed it.

You know, that's

not necessarily my letter, red.

Some deranged person may have

wrote it and put my name to it.

Yeah, that's exactly

what I'm saying.

[ red ]: Boy, oh, boy, that's

a scary-looking thing, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

what you doing, bill?

What have you got there?

Little, uh--

that's a funny little hammer.

Kind of a pickaxe kind of a...

Paintbrush. What's that for,

bill? What's going on?

Oh, boy.

You must get up early

in the morning

to get dressed, I'm thinking.

You had, uh...

Bill had, uh... Wow.

Holy smokes. What do you got?

I don't quite understand

what's happening here,

but I'm going to stand back

a little bit.

What do you got there?

Oh, my gosh, oh, jeez.

Look, he passed a stool.

Ok.

What, what's going on?

What is this all about?

Oh, I get-- it's like

an archeology-- yeah, ok,

all right, all right.

No, thanks.

I'm going to-- I'm relaxing.

Oh, boy, oh, boy. There you go.

That will be my job.

I'll sit in the chair, bill.

Go ahead.

I know, you got to dig a hole --

you go dig a hole,

and you call me

when the hole's done.

Oh, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey.

Have you dug the hole yet, bill?

What are you doing there?

Oh, my gosh.

Holy cow.

Hi, everybody.

Look, I dug

a hole.

Wow, holy smokes.

Oh, you've marked

all the layers.

There's the '90's, yes.

What's that? A cassette.

They got a cassette tape there.

The '80's, yeah,

I remember the '80's.

Then you have the '70's.

What's that? An eight-track.

Oh, god, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Wow, wow, the '60's.

You got a record.

You got everything.

You got any more stuff there?

Funny how it goes in layers,

isn't it?

What do you got? Or more stuff.

Are these really artifacts,

do you think?

A piece of a bike.

Old gas cans are not real--

this is a junk pile.

Come on up, come on up,

and I'll come down.

All right.

Boy, oh, boy, this is,

this is an odd feeling

to be down in a--

oh, that hurt, that hurt.

Oh!

Come listen to my story--

oh, no.

When bill thinks that he's found

some bones of some animal

or something,

it's just an oil can,

just an oil can.

That's the way my life

goes sometimes.

There we go.

No, bill, I don't think

that's, no.

It's not a prehistoric animal,

it's just...

It's, no, no, I don't...

I don't think so.

No, no, no, no.

Watch your step.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, we thought that was

pretty much the end of the day,

but when he landed, he found

something kind of unusual.

He may be onto something here,

maybe onto something.

Oh, my gosh,

it's a licence plate there.

It's a licence plate.

"yours to discover."

what would that be? My god.

What have we got over here?

Oh, it's a headlight, and it's--

boy, there's something,

something under...

All right, I'll be right down.

Look out, don't catch me.

Don't help me, bill.

Look, look, another headlight.

Two headlights in a...

Well, this is...

You know what I think it is?

I think it's a car. Yes, it is!

Well, I got all

the dirt off there,

and I got the oil

poured into her there.

And here's something,

25 years later,

the engine still runs,

transmission still works.

Here's something we learned.

The brakes are shot.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, dear.

I'll get it, I'll get it,

I'll get it, I'll get it.

Careful, careful, there we go.

This is a special feature

of the show we call

you and your animal,

hosted by local animal control

officer ed frid -- welcome, ed.

Red.

[ cheering ]

I'll tell you, the, uh, the

youngsters love these animals.

So, what did you bring

for us today?

A couple creatures.

Uh, first, a snake.

Wow! Hey, I'm impressed, ed.

I thought you

were afraid of snakes.

Oh, yeah.

But I don't let on, eh.

Ok, so this is the largest snake

we get in north america, ok?

This is

an indigo snake, and, boy...

Have we got a big specimen.

Wait till you see

the size of this baby.

Well, I guess I forgot

to bring him.

Ed, there's a...

Something moving under

your shirt, there.

Is there any chance the snake

got inside your shirt at all?

Ohhh!

I don't like the way

this is going.

You know what, you know what?

We'll use a little bit of bait.

What do they eat?

Mice.

Little furry warm mice.

Ok, I got a piece of cheese.

I'll put that down --

now, look, we'll get him to go

down out-- just stay still --

can you stand still?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

I can't believe you didn't

notice a snake in your shirt.

Well, you know,

you get busy.

And, uh, you know,

I can't be checking my clothes

for snakes every five minutes.

But I think I might start.

I got him,

I got him!

Oh, god!

Br-r-r-r!

I guess, uh, I guess that's

the end of that segment, is it?

No.

I also brought a tarantula.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Man, that was

religious persecution.

There's no question about it.

Unbelievable.

I can't believe

the god-fearing

lodge members

attacked

a man of

the cloth.

Well, your sermon

didn't help, harold.

You know, you don't warm up

a congregation

by calling them

the spawn of satan.

You didn't help matters either

with your phoney commandments.

"thou shalt not tip."

I...I just thought the

bingo thing was a great idea.

Under the "r", wrong.

All right, harold,

I was out of line,

but you have to forgive me.

For-- why?

It's your job.

You're the freakin' deacon.

[ squealing ]

meeting time.

You go ahead, your worship.

I'll be right down.

Ok.

If my wife is watching, I'll be

coming straight home

after the meeting.

And I think I'm in need

of a miracle,

perhaps a laying on of hands.

For the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

you keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering ]

captions performed by

the national captioning centre