The Driving Test/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Thank you very much.

This is a big day for

possum lake road construction.

They're fixing that bump at

the top of the hill into town.

Boy, the things that

have smashed against

the inside of my van there.

What are the eggs for?

You going to possum lake

little theatre?

No, I'm using these

to test the bump.

If I can drive over

without cracking these babies,

I'll call it fixed.

Ha,

good idea.

Wear

old clothes.

(horns honking)

(quacking)

(red): In this show, hap

discusses his days as a whaler,

and harold and I change places.

Don't worry,

it's not permanent.

I get dougie franklin

to say a word

he hardly ever thinks of.

Well, I'll hand it to

those construction guys.

They took 4 hours

to do a 15-minute job,

but between

leaning on shovels

and rolling smokes,

they managed to fix that bump.

I can't compliment the cops

running the radar trap.

Exactly how fast

were you going?

'cause tickets

can be expensive.

Did they say anything about

you losing points?

Twelve of them.

Wow, I didn't know

the van could go that fast.

No --

I lost three for speeding,

three for the condition

of the vehicle,

and I lost three for driving

with an obstructed view.

Wait --

that's only nine points.

I lost another three

for speeding on the way back.

They left her

on the side of the road.

They were going to tow it,

but the chief

thought it would make

the police compound look bad.

♪ uncle red has to go

to driver's school ♪

no, I don't --

I just have to be retested.

But until then, I got

no licence and no wheels.

And yet, you still have

a spare tire.

(red): When you have a problem,

it's nice to have friends.

At least you'd think that.

I don't have my van.

So bill's suggesting

other ways I can get around.

I'm sure he means well.

He doesn't do well.

(audience laughing)

do you have any other ideas?

Anything else at all?

Oh good.

You're into it

up to your big mouth.

No sooner do you start putting

your new gas barbecue

together...

You get stuck --

tab "a" won't fit in slot "b".

She says,

"what do the instructions say?"

(audience laughing)

now you're really stuck.

Because you haven't read

the instructions, have ya?

They're sealed in

a little plastic bag

that you're kneeling on.

(audience laughing)

time to think fast.

Something you're not good at

or you wouldn't be cursing

tab "a".

Try saying you were

trying to put it together

with your eyes closed

to try and understand

what it feels like

to be stevie wonder.

This is as far as you got.

Pretty good, huh?

Or tell her you read

about a guy

who got a barbecue from taiwan.

They made a mistake when they

translated the instructions.

The whole thing exploded.

But say someone got killed.

That way it sounds real.

Next time you get

something like this,

first thing you do,

find the instructions,

throw 'em away.

You can claim that

it didn't come with any.

If there's another set

in another language,

hang on to them.

You're gonna need to

look at those pictures later.

♪ it's so easy

to fool your senses ♪

♪ you can't believe

what you see ♪

♪ but your nose knows

the inside story ♪

♪ it can't be tricked by

the powers that be ♪

♪ so whenever you

make a decision ♪

♪ take a whiff of

the air like this ♪

♪ 'cause it may

walk like a duck ♪

♪ and talk like a duck ♪

♪ but if it smells

kind of cheesy, it is ♪

just built a table for the wife

to make up for the fact that

I've lost my driver's licence.

We call that "mercy furniture".

This week I'll show you

how you can beat radar traps.

That way you can avoid

the embarrassment

that I have to put up with,

or at least some of it.

The way radar works is

a beam comes flying

towards your car,

bounces off something metal,

heads back to the cop car,

tells them how much you're

exceeding the speed limit.

He pulls you over

and gives you that $200 smile.

So, you have to control

what part of your car

the radar hits.

What we do is

we take a piece of foam,

or a box of chocolates

or a box of cereal,

or any book by dickens,

and wrap that with wire,

then we'll hook the wire

up to this nine-volt battery.

This is what will attract

the radar.

Similar to the technology

used in that stealth bomber,

except in reverse.

And a couple of dollars cheaper

I believe.

There we go.

This will attract every piece

of radar in your neighbourhood.

You'll be picked up by

ships at sea.

You don't mount this

on your car any old which way.

This has to be secured

on a moving belt,

sort of like

moose thompson's buckle.

You could go to

your grocery store

and pork the conveyer belt

while the manager's

getting you a fresher cabbage.

But, I prefer to use

a ladder and some--

bed sheeting.

I have the sheet

running over the ladder.

She's also running over

this copper pipe.

You can get copper pipe

out of your basement.

Remember to turn the water off.

That's easy to say now.

At the end of the pipe

I've got a hunk of clothesline

wrapped around

a clothesline pulley.

The beauty of stealing

a clothesline set

is you get two pulleys.

What am I going to do

with the other pulley?

I hoped you'd never ask.

Bolt it to the rear wheel

of your favourite vehicle.

Take the clothesline,

hook that on to the pulley.

Then that goes up

and attaches to...

Our belt.

When the car moves,

that drives the pulley,

that drives the belt,

and that moves our

radar-attracter-thingy

in the opposite direction.

So, if you're going,

say, 60 miles an hour,

well, the radar tracker

is going 20 miles an hour

backwards.

So, the radar reads it as

60 minus 20 is...

Legal.

We have a problem.

When this comes around

and goes underneath,

it's going to jam up

against the roof.

I need something

to raise the ladder up.

Hmm?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Tell you what,

this craft table

would be perfect

if it didn't have a top on it.

That's the beauty of

using one nail.

(audience laughing)

perfect.

We got her on a jack

so we can demonstrate...

You gotta have a twist in this.

Otherwise they'll be

going in the same direction,

which will double your speed.

You'll get a ticket

for doing 120.

Let's give her a try.

(engine starting)

and that's working perfect.

Oh, oh, oh,

just thought of something.

Don't mess around

with the ratios of the pulley.

Otherwise you're going

60 miles an hour forward.

The radar thing is going

60 miles an hour backward.

The cop will pull you over

and give you a ticket

for parking on the freeway.

Remember, if women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I'm going to put

the pedal to the metal.

(red): Stay tuned for garth

and his snake.

Lose your car and

discover who your friends are.

Lodge members teasing you?

I can't take it

from old man sedgwick.

He's blind, he's deaf.

He's got the reflexes

of a houseplant.

He's driving

a 60-foot motor home.

He's a menace at the wheel.

He's asleep at the wheel,

harold.

Ask me questions

from the driver handbook.

"what's the procedure

for stopping at a stop sign:

"stopping at the sign

or at the corner?"

well, if nobody's coming,

I usually slow down to 40,

unless my horn's broken.

I'll mark that as

"I have no idea,

and I just failed the test."

did you read the handbook?

Have you seen the size

of the print?

Maybe you need glasses.

My eyes are fine.

How many fingers

am I holding up?

Better be more than one.

You need glasses.

I got no way of getting to

the eye doctor.

The guys are on the lake.

Well, I have my licence.

All you have to do is ask...

Nicely.

Oh man.

Harold, will you drive me

to the eye doctor, please?

Ok, sure.

What vehicle are we taking?

I said I have my licence.

I didn't say I have a vehicle.

You want to ride on

the handlebars or the rat trap?

You hear a lot of talk

about power saws.

But a sharp hand saw

is just as effective.

All you've got to do

is cut a notch in your wood,

then cut a notch

on the other side.

And then just very quickly

finish off your cut.

Remember, any tool

can be the right tool.

This is

the big one.

The grand prize is for

over a hundred dollars,

less expenses

and all that sort of stuff.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to make mr. Franklin say

this word.

Thirty seconds, and go.

All right, uh... Masculine.

Chuck norris.

Opposite.

Willard scott.

(audience laughing)

woman.

Maintenance.

Perfect woman.

Expensive?

Dougie, you see a woman.

She's petite, she's pretty.

You say she's very...

Very...

Not from

around here.

(audience laughing)

you're running out of time,

uncle red.

I can't think of

anything else to say.

You're sitting there.

Say something, anything.

Uh... All right...

Harold.

Feminine.

(bell ringing)

(applause)

garth harble here...

Animal control,

with another lesson

in wildlife management.

Come on in here, red.

What did you do

to your leg there, garth?

I had a bit of a run-in

with a caribou

down at

the animal control centre.

I had to take one

for the team, red.

Oh, oh,

I forgot something.

I'll be right back.

Oh, ah.

It looks like it was

a short caribou.

No, no --

I was standing on my desk.

Today we're talking

about snakes.

Lots of civilians

are afraid of snakes.

We in the a.C. Uniform

know that snakes

are basically harmless...

Unless you step in their nest.

I'll never forget

that trip to the hospital.

I had so much poison in me

I didn't think I could

keep the truck on the road.

I just stay away from snakes.

You don't like animals,

do you, red?

Well, not as much as life, no.

(rustling)

what the--

what are you doing?

What are you--

this means snake.

Sort of a standard hand signal.

All right.

(rustling)

I think we have an authentic

"mississauga" rattler.

All I have to do is

grab him around the head

with this snake pole.

Got him!

Whoa, whoa, boy.

He's a big one.

Oh, settle down there.

He's got an attitude.

I've got a burlap bag

on the porch.

I'm going to put him in that.

Garth, I think you got him

by the tail there.

Huh?

(chomping sound)

oh!

Oh, oh.

Another super day.

Oh.

(sighing)

well, surprise, surprise.

The bump in the road is back

and it's bigger

and better than ever.

What?

Nothing.

(laughing)

apparently,

when they fixed the bump,

everybody started speeding

so much into town

that they decided to put

a speed bump in there,

a really big one.

(laughing)

ok, ok, I owe you one.

You owe me another one, harold.

I want you to go down there

and pretend you're me.

At the

eye doctor?

The licence office --

you take the test for me.

We've got the same last name,

the same address.

As long as you don't tell them

your I.Q.,

they'll think you're me.

I guess the bell fell off.

I hope the bell fell off.

(red): So bill's still looking

for other-- ow.

Bill's still looking for ways

that I can get around.

Ok, bill, I'll help you.

That's what friends are for.

So, this is

the skateboard thing.

They're very popular

with young people.

Not that much to it,

I wouldn't think.

What?

Oh boy, oh boy,

where's that going?

Ok, uh, that's not going to

work out that well.

Ok, now he's got

the inline skates.

Wanted me to help him

get that-- oh.

Oh.

Lost a little bit

of patience here.

All right, there, that-- ok.

The thing with inline skates,

I believe

it's like ice skating.

It's a question of balance.

It's more of sort of

a natural athletic ability,

and I guess it takes

a little while to get the...

When you start thinking about

how short life is --

there he goes.

There's that technique --

oh, what's this?

Skateboard and inline skates,

and what's -- ok.

I don't want to get--

what are you doing, bill?

Oh, I see.

Hitchhiking.

Well, that makes sense.

You go ahead, bill.

I'll wait here.

(red): Coming up,

harold will impersonate me.

Sometimes you do get a glimpse

of justice in this life.

Old man sedgwick

was so busy razzing me,

he drove his motor home

through a stand of trees,

ripped the side mirror off.

He won't even notice

till he looks in it,

which is never.

Harold has agreed to take

the driving test for me

as a way of securing his pay.

Harold, come on in.

(applause)

after

the test,

I'll have to sign

the organ donation card.

What, what,

hold it, hold it!

I'm not donating organs.

What if I get to heaven

without kidneys

and there's an open bar?

(mimicking red):

I'd call it a set-back.

(audience laughing)

don't do that, harold.

(applause)

(mimicking red): Ahhhh,

don't do what?

Ahhhh, stop calling me harold.

Just get down

and get my licence, please.

(mimicking red): All right.

Keep your stick on the ice.

(mimicking harold): Haaa haaa,

ha ha ha, ha ha ha.

That's funny, uncle red.

Ha ha ha, ha ha ha.

Ranger gord again.

Here's an interesting piece

of wildlife lore.

During the mating season,

animals will claw the trees

to mark their territory.

Bears do it.

Badgers do it.

So do wolves.

But these markings

aren't from any of those.

These are...

Oh yeah.

Well, I'm only human.

Welcome to the expert portion

of the show.

This week, we have my uncle red

and water taxi captain,

mr. Hap shaughnessy.

(applause)

this week's letter

goes as follows.

Oh, cool,

it's got a nautical theme.

He's a... Thing.

"dear experts, how can

I help protect the whales?"

oh man,

I got to tell you,

I don't get this.

I hear a lot about this.

You got an animal,

this thing's 100 feet long,

weighs about 1,000 tons.

If this thing

can't take care of itself,

really, I don't know

what I can do for them.

No, red --

harold is talking about whaling.

Oh.

We got to agree to stop

killing the whales.

All right, fine.

Next time I see a whale

in possum lake,

I'm going to back off.

I'll speak to bernice

and get her and her friends

to ease off

the whaling activities.

Just because nobody

you know kills whales

doesn't mean

it's not happening.

Don't assume

things aren't happening

'cause lodge members

don't do it.

I'm the fella

you're looking for, harold.

I was a whaler at one time.

(audience laughing)

never a professional,

not like

them big japanese ships.

No, I was more of

a sport whaler.

(audience laughing)

I went out in the canoe,

you know.

(audience laughing)

a 20-footer, a big one.

Yeah, sounds

like a big one.

Mr. Shaughnessy,

how did you get

a big harpoon gun

into a canoe?

A harpoon? --

Where's the sport in that?

No, I'd wrap a rope

around myself and dive in.

I'd grab his tail, hang on,

and wear him down.

It wasn't easy.

Did you ever see their tails?

They're incredible.

Well, incredible tails

would be right up your alley,

I would think.

(audience laughing)

how long did it take you

to wear this whale down?

Uh, 10, 20 months.

(audience laughing)

and me out there

thrashing around

hanging on for a year or more.

I tell you, I began to hate

the taste of seafood.

All except the stingray.

Their little toes

are a delicacy.

That whale would collapse.

I'd tow it into shore.

That village had

enough blubber for the year.

Mr. Shaughnessy, that...

Is a lot of blubber.

(audience laughing)

I stopped

after I tried to battle

the great white whale

moby richard.

(audience laughing)

I think you mean moby dick.

No,

I didn't know him that well.

That's not fair.

I could have passed

that test easy.

Well, you didn't.

It's not my fault --

your belly got stuck

in the steering wheel

and I drove the car

through murray's fruit stand.

Oh my gosh.

Ah ha ha.

Those stems really hurt.

Wait a minute.

If they think you're me,

do I get blamed for this?

No, no.

My beard went flying.

I got hit by a kiwi.

So I had to tell them

who I really was...

Old man sedgwick.

His licence has been

permanently revoked.

That is excellent work.

Thanks to me, the road

is a safer place to be.

Don't count on it --

I got my licence back.

While you were

making fruit salad,

I went to court and blamed

the mess on the bump.

The judge hated the bump, too.

He pointed to

a lump on his head

where his hair used to be.

So I got my licence back.

As soon as I get my van back

I'll be complete.

How sad.

(possum squeal)

oh, meeting time.

I'm going to go.

I've got to get

some watermelon pits

out of my undies.

You're on your own.

If my wife is watching,

what do you say

we go for a moonlit drive

down by the lake?

A romantic spot

where we can park.

Don't worry,

I'll take everything slow.

I can't afford any more

demerit points.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and all

the guys at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(possum squeal)

(harold): All rise.

All rise.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

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Boy, this is too much!