The Bad Check-Up/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: Ever since man

has first walked upright

billions of years ago,

he has been a hunter,

a fisherman,

and he's lived off the land.

Okay, all right, well,

not billions of years ago,

because, you know,

dinosaurs only went extinct

about, you know, what, maybe

about 65 million years ago?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Sometimes in those

science-fiction movies,

you see a tyrannosaurus rex

eating some cave guy.

That couldn't happen.

There's no way

because, like, humanoids --

they've only been around,

like, for -- I don't know --

maybe a few million years,

whereas --

then real people have

only been around,

like, maybe

a couple hundred thousand.

Okay, and by real people, what

I mean is, like, homos erectus.

Oh, okay, I know

you're laughing, but don't even,

because

this is a real term.

These are the people

who existed

between, like, neanderthals

and, like, the flintstones --

right in there,

that special time.

And they're the ones --

they developed tools,

like the phillips

and the flint knife.

And they used to throw bones

in the air,

like that movie "2001."

ever see that?

Did not understand

that movie whatsoever,

I'll tell you that.

It had, like,

a black cartridge.

It's like a nintendo game

cartridge.

I had no idea --

thank you, harold.

So, here he is, the star

of the "red green show,"

red green.

Thank you.

Welcome to possum lodge.

Overstaying his welcome

is, uh, harold here.

Harold is

my producer and director,

and due to

an unfortunate family situation,

he's also my nephew.

Uh, harold has eaten up

most of our time

with his stream

of unconsciousness there.

I'm sorry, uncle red.

Sometimes I just get ideas

and I can't stop it, so --

here comes an idea right now.

Here it comes.

[ keyboard clacking ]

ha ha! Was that cool

and/or hip, or what?

Well, that's eaten up

even a little more time.

Uh, so I'm gonna have to keep

things moving very quickly now.

I'm running out of time.

Very little time left.

I haven't got any -- you know,

I sound exactly like kreskin.

We like kreskin.

Kreskin was good.

Wasn't he

one of the better ones?

I thought he was

really something else.

David copperfield --

he was good, too.

He made the statue of liberty

disappear.

Wa-a! Where you gonna put that,

your closet?

I don't even think so.

I'm sorry, uncle red.

You go right ahead

with what you're doing.

Thank you, harold.

Well, in the three seconds

I have left,

I thought I would mention

that the lodge has gone

for a new life-insurance policy.

You should tell that story.

That's a really good story

'cause you know it better --

shut up, harold.

I'll do that.

So, we all

had to have examinations,

but the problem was that

glen braxton flunked his exam.

I mean, his physical was so bad.

I think his cholesterol

was 5,000 over something.

And they ended up taking away

his driver's license,

which means he can't drive

his beloved rv.

Well, I'll tell you --

glen is not a happy camper.

In fact,

he's not a camper at all.

Did you see "2001"?

What was that -- who was hal?

Just do the next segment,

would you, harold?

Right. Okay.

Life stinks.

That's the whole deal.

Life stinks.

Yeah,

just ask your feet.

What's that, harold?

Hmm?

Oh, I said you should be

up on your feet, you know,

moving around,

get the old circulation going.

Why?

Doctor just gave me

a death sentence, harold.

That's what it is,

you know, a death sentence.

She might as well

pulled out a shotgun,

put it up beside my head,

and blown it off.

I don't think general

practitioners can do that.

Wa-a-a-a!

She only said

that you're out of shape.

She didn't say

you're gonna die, glen.

She said I couldn't drive

my rv anymore.

I mean, it's --

it's worse than dying.

[ scoffs ] I mean, what else

do I have in my life?

Well, you own and operate

the only marina for 20 miles.

Yeah,

but something I like.

Bill, have you seen

glen braxton?

Oh.

Glen-o, huh?

Hey, up and at 'em.

Hut, hut, hut, hut!

Let's go at it!

Drop dead, noel.

I'm about to.

Hey, shape up, man.

We're gonna get you

back in the driver's seat.

Look what I brought.

Whoo! Wa-a-a!

Whoa!

I've heard

about these diets.

I'd rather stick your fingers

down my throat.

This happens to be a simple

portable muscle machine.

Let me demonstrate.

Pull!

Pull! Pull!

So, what, I got to

smack myself with a hose

to get in shape,

noel?

No. No, no.

That was an accident.

[ exhales sharply ]

but, uh -- but I can guarantee

that in two weeks,

you could have

a body like mine.

Oh, great, he's gonna

saw off my legs.

Oh, fine.

Thank you very much.

I'll have you know, mister,

I'm in terrific shape.

Mm-hmm.

Harold.

Sir?

Come on over here.

Try to hurt me.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

No. I know this one.

This is where, like,

you tear out my heart

and show it to me

just before I die.

I think enough girls

have done that to me

in my lifetime already,

thanks very much.

Smart lad.

Red, come on.

Try to hurt me.

All right. You're short

and you can't get a date.

I meant physically.

No, thanks.

I'm getting a drink.

Bill, get over here.

Come on.

Try to hurt me, huh?

Come on.

Aah!

[ glen laughs ]

I meant

with your hands.

Wow!

I wasn't ready.

If you were gonna

get mugged,

they'd have to phone ahead

and make a reservation.

[ laughs ]

okay, who'd like

a butter tart?

[ sighs ]

store-bought.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, sure,

I'll have one.

Whoa!

Are you crazy?!

Half my butter tarts

are stuck to the ceiling!

This man does not need

a butter tart.

Okay? You might as well

have taken one of those things

and jammed it

right into his heart.

I'd like to take

one of those things

and jam it

down your throat.

Those took me 2 hours

and 9 pounds of flour!

I thought you said

they were store-bought.

Well, you wouldn't

have noticed the difference.

I'll have you know

glen has given up junk food.

Whoa, whoa!

No.

Since when?

Since you decided

to lose 20 pounds

and shape up,

you pathetic blubber butt.

[ laughter ]

blubber butt --

good one, noel.

What are you

laughing at, tubby?

Who, me?

Look, you got a body

like a sack of tapioca.

Tapioca!

[ laughter ]

oh, yeah,

you should talk, eddie.

Who, me?

Yes, you.

If the government

asked you

to list your first

three ingredients,

you'd have to list

fat, fat, and fat.

[ laughter ]

and what are you

laughing at?

Who, me?

Yeah, I mean, you put on

another 5 pounds,

you'd have your own

gravitational field.

[ laughter ]

what are you

laughing at?

Huh?

And don't say "who, me?"

you let those jeans out

one more time,

you're gonna have

nine separate pieces of denim.

Okay.

Okay, all right,

I think we've established

that you're all

a little overweight.

Mm-hmm.

So can we get started?

Now, assume

this position.

Well, let's just assume

I assumed it.

And don't dent

the floor, you guys.

Oh, fine.

Harold, braxton,

are we not gonna turn our bodies

into lethal weapons?

[ guitar playing ]

♪ at night, you'll see the men

sittin' on the porch ♪

[ blows ]

♪ chewin' and spittin' ♪

♪ in the light

of the propane torch ♪

[ blows ]

♪ they chew and they spit

till the morning light ♪

[ blows ]

♪ in the future,

when they eat muskrat ♪

♪ they'll remember

to marinate it first ♪

[ blows ]

ooh.

Red: This week in, uh,

"handyman corner,"

I'm gonna show you

something festive and decorative

that you can do to your patio.

You know, the patio

up here at the lodge

has not been looking

all that great

since we did that experiment

to find out whether or not,

uh, hydrogen is flammable.

But, you know,

I think we can bring her

right back up to snuff here

by making

our very own patio lanterns.

And they're real easy to make

and kind of fun.

Uh, for starters,

you have your christmas lights,

which are probably hanging up

at your house

all summer long anyhow,

so why not double up with those?

Uh, all you need is, uh, some

of those plastic containers.

You might find, uh,

two or three in the garbage.

Now, I just, uh, picked

these out of today's garbage

up here at the lodge.

Uh, and they are a little dirty.

Now, I would suggest

you just let that mung

just kind of dry on there

and then pick it off

with your thumbnail.

I tried to clean one of them

in the dishwasher.

You know there's a heater

in those dishwashers?

And that thing just shriveled up

there like a --

well, you guys

know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, uh, what you want to do

is, uh, pick out, uh,

one of the containers

that seems the appropriate size

and shape

to make a patio lantern out of.

Uh, something like that,

for example.

And then you want to see --

well, let's see --

which way would we hang that?

Well, I think

that kind of a look

is kind of like

a big plastic teat on there.

Outside the sun-porch door

there, that would look good.

Then what you want to do

is you want to cut an "x"

in the bottom.

Uh, you can use

a carpet knife for that.

Now, I have a carpet knife

in my pocket.

Ow!

All right, someone

didn't put the blade away

before they put that

in my pocket.

Uh, now what you want to do here

is you want to cut an "x,"

and cut it about 2 inches.

Or if you're dealing

in centimeters,

uh, you want to cut

enough centimeters

that it's, uh, 2 inches.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Now we've got our "x."

and then you just put the bulb

right in there,

and it's kind of a friction fit.

And that's --

that's really on there.

That really --

ohh!

All right, you just, uh, you

just do that for all of them.

Uh, the cutting thing,

not the "slapping yourself

in the face" thing.

Unless, if you want to slap

yourself in the face,

I'm not -- I would help you.

By golly, that smarts.

[ straining ]

all right, that's two.

It's taking a little longer

than I thought.

[ clears throat ]

well...

[ coughs ]

oh!

Ohh.

[ clattering ]

all right, uh,

there's actually an easier way,

uh, than, uh, the carpet killer

to punch the holes

in these things.

This would be with a, uh,

with a power tool.

Let's see if this works

a little better.

[ whirring ]

[ whirring stops ]

I think so, yeah.

Get the old bleach bottle

here.

[ whirring ]

[ whirring stops ]

oh!

Throw that one out.

Another thing you can do

with a power tool

is you can kind of...

Save a little bit of time.

[ whirring ]

[ whirring stops ]

all righty.

Well, we'll start to get

a few more going here,

and, uh, the next step will be

to take our containers

and, uh, stick the christmas

lights through those.

Now I got to hammer --

just tap those on.

And by the time I finish

getting everything rigged,

I think it's gonna be

dark enough

to show you

how this really looks.

Now, you tell me

who wouldn't want to have that

hanging around their house, huh?

Harold, kill the lights

there a minute.

Look at that.

Good friend, good fun,

good food,

and, uh, margarine tubs.

You know, I think

this is the greatest

recycling decorator's idea

since, uh, cutting tires

in half, painting them white,

and putting them up

beside your driveway.

Oh, well. Until next time,

remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ thunk ]

geez, I can't find anything.

Harold, turn the lights back on,

will you?

Oh, geez!

[ clattering ]

thank you, harold.

I don't know,

maybe he's right, bill.

Maybe I should work out

or something, get up.

I should watch

what I eat.

[ squish! Whistle! ]

are you gonna eat

that whole...?

Give me half?

Thank you.

"it is summer.

"two men are arm wrestling,

locked in a draw for 15 minutes

"with their huge hamlike fists

wrapped around the last beer

in the house."

now, the, uh, final

insurance policy arrived,

and I got to go around

and get everybody's signature.

Let's hope, uh, nobody dies

before they get to sign.

That would be a real tragedy,

wouldn't it?

Uncle red, do I have to sign

on the dotted line, too?

I know I'm not, like,

a lodge member,

but, you know, I consider myself

a keen observer.

Try being a silent observer,

harold.

Oh, yeah, right, right.

Well, glen's going around here

feeling sorry for himself,

which isn't that hard to do.

I'll tell you,

if moping burns calories,

glen's gonna drop

about 40 pounds by dinner.

Noel's trying to get him

into shape.

When glen's not looking,

noel goes out and moves the rv

about 40 feet down the laneway

so glen gets

a little more exercise.

And noel also, uh, turned

the broom closet into a sauna.

Right now there's eight guys

in there sweating it out.

Oh, yeah?

What are they using for heat?

Eight guys.

Ew!

Glen, uh -- glen is drinking

beer out of a heavier mug now

to kind of build up the biceps.

And he licks the salt off the

pretzels before he eats them.

Wow! Next stop,

the olympics. Wa-a-a!

Yeah, I think the problem is,

you know, you are what you eat,

and eddie keeps pumping us

full of pancakes and doughnuts

and french toast and muffins,

and he deep fries

all that stuff.

Hurry up, uncle red.

I'm getting hungry.

Yeah, me too.

Eddie, what are you making

for lunch today?

[ chuckles ]

what do you see here, red?

Four heart attacks,

three strokes, and a hernia.

Don't you blame me because

glen's a 300-pound weakling.

Who made

the high-fiber ice cream?

Who made

the broccoli cheesecake?

Who made the artichoke

yogurt surprise, hmm?

You did that

on purpose?

Yesterday --

yesterday, I made

garlic-and-onion doughnuts.

Well, obviously, threats

don't work with these guys.

Red: But, you know, ed, uh,

I think you should cut down

on the salt

and the cholesterol,

take some of the grease

off the salads.

I'm not glen's mother,

you know?

No, I know, I know.

Mind you, there is

a strong resemblance.

Yeah, well, something's got to

be done, that's for sure.

Give me another whack of that

on here, would you, ed?

Sure.

There you go, red.

Oh, wait now.

♪ da-da-dee-dee-do-do ♪

beauty.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Well, uh, this week

on "adventures with bill,"

uh, I guess this means

we're gonna go canoeing.

Bill's under there somewhere.

In she goes.

And you okay? Bill, bill,

easy, easy, easy, easy, easy.

Yep, yep, yep.

It's "adventures with bill."

all right. Yeah, he's fine.

Okay, now, I thought

we'd just go paddling,

but bill said, "no,

don't want to use the paddles."

man: Hey!

Oh, sorry about that.

Uh, so he wanted to show us

some different ways

of powering a canoe here

rather than the normal,

conventional use of a paddle.

So, he's got a real nice,

uh -- nice little outboard.

Uh, I wasn't exactly sure

how he was gonna attach it on,

and, uh, I wanted --

I was gonna swing it out to him.

It's kind of heavy,

so I wanted to get -- I was --

[ clears throat ]

that was unfortunate.

But, uh, no problem.

You know, lots more outboards

where that one come from.

Uh, now, this one might --

this one might be

a little bigger

than what the canoe

is rated for,

but we don't have to

turn her up full.

Oh, of course, I hadn't realized

the weight of --

now, I don't know if bolting

that onto the side is --

to me, it would go on the end,

but then...

I'm not the expert like bill.

Anyway, uh, so,

we kind of abandoned that.

We were running short

on the outboards,

and we just got her

up on the dock,

dumped the water out of her.

I wasn't quite sure, uh,

what bill had planned there.

Uh, whether you just leave it

on the dock and then you --

what you do

is you tow the dock around.

No, he left me

and he come back with a --

went up under the lodge there

and got all the --

all the paddles that we use,

uh, on spaghetti night.

Well, and anyway, uh,

15, 16 paddles or so there,

I guess.

And, uh, didn't quite know

what he had in mind.

And, uh, he brung down

a bunch of, uh, "c"-clamps

and some rope there

and, uh, a little bit

of this and that,

started, uh, hooking the paddles

onto the sides

and up onto the gunnels

and the sides

and where the gunnels

meet the sides even,

and then, uh, up at the bow

and, uh, down at that other one,

the other end -- the, uh,

I guess, uh, the assistant bow

or the back,

I think it's called.

Now, what he created here was,

uh, basically the sailboat idea.

There's your keel is

your four paddles on the side,

and there's your main mast

and your mizzen

and your halyard

and your mainstay

and your forestay and --

oh, no, that's okay,

that's okay to say that.

Now what he needed

was some cloth.

He wanted to take my shirt.

I said, "no way.

"I'm not gonna give you --

you take your own.

You hang your own clothes on."

anyway, so, I pretended

that I'd take mine off

if he took his off.

And, uh, you know,

we didn't want anybody

to see this at home, so --

I wish the cameraman

had fatter fingers.

Anyway, uh, bill stripped

right down there, and, uh --

which was a real treat

for the bugs.

But started attaching

his clothing and what have you.

And, uh, god, he loves

these things, doesn't he?

And there he's got

his pants on the top.

Now he said to me

all I had to do was --

kind of looked like a viking --

I thought of the vik--

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Hmm.

Well, I figured maybe

he could try the motor again.

Well, just a few signatures

to go,

and every lodge member

will be covered

for death or dismemberment.

You know that a hand

is worth more than a foot?

That surprised me.

I mean, I can understand an eye

being worth more than an ear,

but I would think

you'd rather walk somewhere

with one hand

than hop there with two.

And, you know,

there's something kind of warm

about the guys asking me

how to spell their names.

Had to use

their real names there --

no nicknames, except for nick.

Hey, harold, you know what

junior singleton's real name is?

Larry? David?

Or doug?

Uh, vladimir?

Vance?

Valerie? Peg? No --

shut up, harold.

All right.

It's brutus.

Et tu, brutus.

Et tu, popeye.

And old man sedgwick's real name

is "old man."

no wonder he couldn't wait

to grow up.

Stinky peterson -- his first

name is actually "george."

actually, stinky looks

like a george,

but he has the hair of a stinky.

Oh, I'll get the rest of the

signatures at tonight's meeting.

[ screeching ]

that's the cry

of the wild possum, uncle red.

It's time for the meeting.

We better get down there.

We have to convince glen that

his life really is worth living.

Well, maybe you can

describe your life.

That'll make him

feel better.

Yeah, okay.

You know, I think

if the insurance company

was aware

of harold's personality,

uh, they might not give us

a policy.

Hey, uh, excuse me a minute.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching continues ]

all rise.

Shh!

Come on, glen, you too.

My heart

won't take it.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Oh, uh, bill, bill,

I need your signature

on this insurance form.

What's that?

Message for me?

Oh, all right,

all right,

the floor recognizes

noel christmas.

[ all groan ]

thank you, red.

[ clears throat ]

I'd just like

to show you

what my athlete has learned

in just one day.

Come on, glen.

Show them.

Well, I can show you

how I can strangle noel.

[ laughter ]

show them what

you learned, huh?

[ sighs ]

[ grunts ]

go, go.

[ straining ]

[ cheering ]

well, that's a big day

for me.

Whoo!

Hold it. Hold everything, guys.

Hold everything.

The doctor, uh,

made a mistake on these reports

for the insurance, uh,

investigation here.

It's not glen that has

the high cholesterol.

It's noel.

[ laughter ]

what? Me?

Oh, yeah.

And you got high blood pressure,

too, noel.

Whoo!

It says, glen,

you're fine.

Great.

So I can drive my rv again.

Yes, you can, sir.

Ha ha!

They say you're so relaxed,

you should never need any sleep.

I'm with that.

Well, how can I be

unhealthy?

I mean, why is it me?!

Why me?!

Well, maybe it's the way

he handles stress, huh?

It's your cooking,

eddie!

That's right.

You've been poisoning me

with your lard-filled,

vein-clogging fat feast.

That's what it was!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

You're the only one with

high cholesterol around here.

Everybody else is fine.

Calm down.

I'll put more grapefruit

in your stupid diet.

Hey, I got an idea --

let's jump in the rv,

go to florida,

get some fresh grapefruit, huh?

I'm dying.

I'm dying.

Well, uh, while noel is getting

over the good news here, uh --

unless there's

some other business.

No, nothing going on.

I'm gonna call on our old buddy,

glen, who's in perfect health,

to give us the evening's

entertainment.

Oh, red, I mean,

h-how do I look to you?

Short.

Okay, I was gonna read

my last will and testament,

but I think I can scare up

a few slides for you guys, huh?

Bill, can you get

the lights?

All righty.

[ gunshot ]

[ glass shatters ]

[ gunshot ]

[ glass shatters ]

[ gunshot ]

[ glass shatters ]

thanks, bill.

Well, who would have thought

that noel

would be the one

with the health problem?

I mean, he's always after us

to eat better and get in shape,

and here it is

that he's the reject.

How can you not believe in god

when stuff like that happens?

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and apparently, I'm in a lot

better shape than I look,

so I'd like to go back

to not wearing any pajamas...

Unless there's a downside.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

glen: It's a ball

made out of steel.

It's just all --

it's a big ball.

Harold: A steel ball?

Yeah, a steel ball.

Can you throw it?

No, it's really big.

Like, see --

there's my head.

That's, like,

just on the camera here.

Perspective.

I know about perspective.

Actually, that's out of

the front window of the rv.

If I put, like, myself

over there,

I'd be dwarfed

by the thing.

Must be huge then.

Huge. It's a huge steel ball.

Unbelievable.