The Vertical Grandstand/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

This is a hint of

what's coming up

in "handyman corner".

Industrial strength

diapers.

It's the "winchy".

It's idiot proof.

Here, prove it.

Push the up button.

See.

You got one of these babies,

you can get things off

a high shelf, no problem.

Don't need a step stool.

Get cheesies off the fridge.

Get your hat off the antlers.

Get your over-served

sister-in-law

down off the chandelier.

Whatever it takes,

you're there.

All right, harold,

let me down.

(explosion)

way to go, harold.

You blew a fuse.

You pushed the button too hard.

It's not a fuse.

The power's out

all the way down to the lake.

Here, look.

(horns honking)

(quacking)

(red): Today, winston and I

work out

a mathematical problem.

Harold is of no use

whatsoever,

although he makes a good bird

on a -- you'll find out.

And I'll show you how to do

some soldering,

as my salute to heavy metal.

You have a nice day, too.

I told the power company

what I thought of

the bad service

they've given us.

Maybe it has something to do

with your bad cheques.

No, it doesn't --

power is a c.O.D. Business.

They don't get my "c"

till I get their "d".

When they put the power in,

they didn't anticipate

the requirements

of a handyman such as myself.

I like things that hum

when you turn them on.

They're putting

a transformer tower

on the far side of possum lake.

Oh, great.

That transformer tower

will bring in

so much electricity,

we'll be bouncing cheques

into the next millenium.

They're going to

stick it in possum park,

between the bog

and the garbage fire,

now we gotta watch

the boat races

cowering under

this metal monstrosity.

Got an idea, harold.

Why don't we make

the transformer tower

serve double duty?

Not only bring

50,000 volts into the area,

but we can use it as

a vertical grandstand.

A v-v-ver--

a what?

A vertical grandstand.

People can sit on it, harold.

That's your trouble.

You got

no entrepreneurial spirit!

You look hard enough,

you'll see an opportunity.

But why does it always have

a hood over its head

and a scythe in its hand?

(audience laughing)

(red): Unbeknownst to me,

bill had heard about our idea

for the grandstand.

So he got himself

some model rockets

as a way of

serving refreshments to people

sitting way up in the rafters.

Kind of a hobby

and a space programme combined.

He's got the wires

hooked up to the rocket.

Oh, oh, oh --

she's fallen over.

She's on an angle, bill.

Bill, she's on an angle.

Yeah, yeah --

what's that?

Ow!

That's how that works.

Now I'm in the van

with a live rocket.

Reminds me of a couple of dates

I had in high school.

Bill's programme is

kind of like nasa.

Well, not quite the same,

but it rhymes.

What's he doing?

Stand back, stand back,

stand back, stand back!

Stand back, stand back!

All clear.

Bill will be back later

with a couple more rockets

and a lot more trouble.

Here we are with

hap shaughnessy.

We're all set to play

our word game.

What's our prize today?

Red, the grand prize is

a pair of earflaps

from raymond's house of rubber.

Certainly a good prize.

Harold, give me the word.

Don't look at this, hap.

I'll tell the people at home

what it says.

All right, I got 30 seconds

to get you to say this.

Somebody who makes up stories.

Author.

Ernest hemingway and I--

no, no, that wasn't it.

Someone who tells falsehoods.

Politician.

When I was charles de gaulle's

bodyguard--

again, no, no.

A person who bends the truth.

Secret agent.

I was down in algeria--

no, no, hap.

I think I got it.

Hap shaughnessy,

you are a...

Deep sea diver, astronaut.

No.                     Sumo

wrestler.

Inventor.

Inventor, yes,

'cause you invent stories,

so that makes you a...

Broadway playwright.

I haven't written a hit musical

in years.

Say somebody says that

you never were an astronaut

a sumo wrestler

or a playwright.

That person is a...

A liar.

There you go.

You got it.

Yeah.

Well... Do you know,

the worst liar I ever met?

No.

Michelle pfieffer.

She swore that

she wouldn't fall for me.

Said it was only going to be

a sexual relationship.

But, oh no.

♪ oh, fruit, fruit,

fruit, fruit, fruit ♪

♪ nature's way

of making things scoot ♪

♪ fun to eat

and fun to throw ♪

♪ but if you toss 'em,

here's something to know ♪

♪ I had an experience

down by the beach ♪

♪ I nailed a guy

with a rotten peach ♪

♪ he was a full-figured man,

he could really hit ♪

♪ so if you're predisposed

to throwing peaches ♪

♪ I would make sure that you

first of all remove the pit ♪

it's my idea to build

this vertical grandstand.

We'll attach

aluminum lawn chairs to

the steel transmission tower.

I thought I'd take this

"handyman corner"

and show you how to bond

metal to metal.

Imagine that this is

the transmission tower.

Imagine that this

is a lawn chair.

I'm going to start up

one of these soldering torches.

We're going to solder

this whole thing together.

Solder's a strange word.

You don't pronounce the "l".

If you say "solllder"

the clerks are going to

stay away in droves.

You get a word like "help",

you want to pronounce

the "l".

Hep, hep.

See, nobody comes.

What you want to do is

heat up the metal.

Get them both good and hot.

I recommend you use a torch,

but you could use a stove or,

if you're real fast,

you could use an explosion.

All right, that's good.

Now you get some of

this flux.

You want to put that on.

It kind of cleans the thing.

You can just put it on

with your fingers...

But I wouldn't recommend it.

All right now,

just get your solder,

and you want to heat that up.

Put enough solder in there

that the metals become one,

all joined together.

And don't be shy.

Just lay the solder in there.

There, that ought to hold her.

Hep, hep,

I'm covered in "solllder."

see, nobody comes.

Solder's not all that strong.

But if you sock

enough on there,

she ought to hold.

All right, we'll have to go to

something stronger than solder.

I'll just get this stuff

off myself,

and I'll be right back.

Man, I feel like

a baked potato.

This is called brazing

'cause you do it with brass.

If you did it with copper,

you'd call it "crazing".

If you did it with

nitroglycerine,

call an ambulance.

All you've got to do is add

the oxygen to the flame

and you can get her

pretty darn hot.

I don't have brass.

That's expensive.

I'll to use a coat hanger.

It should be ok.

You just get this so hot...

You don't need any flux

with this.

Just lay the brass

right in there,

or the coat hanger.

The beauty of this is

it's so hot

you can use it for cutting

metal pipes or

metal plates

or metal girders even.

Or that.

We're getting serious.

This is what they call

an arc welder,

which is sort of like

controlled lightning,

except this baby strikes twice

in the same place.

Come to think of it,

I've seen welders

strike in the same place

for 30 years.

Take a clip like this.

Clip that onto your work.

That's sort of like

your ground wire.

Then the other unit,

kind of an odd-looking thing,

take that and stick the rod

in the end.

You don't use a flame.

This rod touches the work.

That closes the circuit,

and that does your welding.

She's bright

and can hurt your eyes.

So, for safety's sake,

and you know me,

safety forced,

we're going to put

the mask on

oh, boy.

Wait a minute here.

Wow.

Better hang on to the...

(groaning)

all right, now.

You can't always see

when you do this.

But you just touch the rod

to the work,

and the spark will

let you know what you're doing.

There we go.

Solid as a rock.

(audience laughing)

all right, I may have welded

some of my tools

and various workshop

collectables to the unit.

But, look at the bright side.

I now have

a burglar-proof environment.

I've also welded

my wedding ring

to my belt buckle,

which is kind of poetic.

So, remember, if women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Everybody enjoys seeing a guy

being chased by a moose.

Garth harble here,

animal control.

What happened? -- You stand

too close to the dart team?

I wish.

I was pecked by seagulls.

That is it for me

and outdoor restaurants.

Do you have

a feature for us?

Hmm?

A feature.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Today we'll talk about

how to get rid of something

a bit larger than

we usually talk about.

A moose.

Sure -- with a shotgun.

I'll pretend

I didn't hear that, red.

No!

What you want to do --

say you got a moose

hanging around your house.

What you want to do is

get yourself a can of

moose musk.

Moose musk.

To a male moose,

this is um... Very pleasant,

very, um... Well,

it's very attractive.

I know what

you're talking about.

Now, take the moose musk.

You take it deep,

deep into the woods,

and you take the top off.

Oh boy, look at that, huh?

Now, this will attract

the moose deep into the woods.

Boy, that's a heck of a lot

of moose musk there.

There's enough hormones there

to start a lift bridge.

Of course, you don't need

to use near this amount.

A tiny little bit will do.

That much moose musk,

that will probably attract--

looks like 25 to 30.

I'd say at least 25 to 30.

That much moose musk will drive

a moose absolutely crazy.

Sensory overload.

Oh boy.

Another super day.

Run, harold!

Don't you pass me, harold!

Man, this thing binds.

(audience laughing)

the best way to make

my vertical grandstand

affordable to everybody

is to have three ticket prices.

Like reds, golds and blues?

Yeah, sort of --

pop, wine and beer.

Now, the pop ticket

is 10 bucks.

You get up 10 feet

on a plank.

The wine ticket,

that's 20 bucks.

You're 30 feet higher

in a lawn chair

with a rope seat-belt.

I got about 40 already

duck-taped up there.

Beer tickets being the best.

Harold, beer tickets

are always the best.

Garth harble here,

animal control,

reminding you, don't feed bears

when they're in heat.

And, of course, vice versa.

Welcome to

the expert portion of the show.

This week we have my uncle red

and his friend,

winston rothschild.

(applause and cheering)

ok.

The first letter

goes as follows:

"dear experts...

"my guidance counsellor

says that the average person

"will hold down five

or six jobs in their life.

"does that sound right to you?"

you know something,

I don't look at it that way.

I look at it as filling your

life with profitable activity.

As the great anthony anthony

once said,

"if you're looking for

self-help,

"you've got to help yourself."

well worth 90 bucks

for that tidbit, I would think.

I think he meant that

you add up the hours in a day

that you could be working.

So what is that -- 20?

(red): 20?

Something's out of whack there,

either your math

or your priorities.

You multiply that

by the number of years

from when you left school

till when you retire.

So how old were you

when you left school?

20.

I didn't know you went passed

high school.

I passed it

on the way to the lodge.

Ok, so that's --

so 45 years times

20 hours a day...

That's...

A lot of time!

Easily a lot.

That's what

I thought.

And see,

you could be making money

with that time.

Oh yeah.

Take me, for instance.

I am running a very successful

sewage and septic sucking

business.

And

I have something on the side.

You might want to see

a doctor about that.

(audience laughing)

you see... Red,

the way I see it is

I'm in that truck

all day long.

I could do more than simply

suck out septic tanks.

I suppose,

yeah.

So, I've now got

a pizza delivery service.

(audience laughing)

and,

a taxi service,

and a courier service.

"if it's not on your desk

by 8:00 tomorrow morning,

"it's free, guaranteed."

a lot of courier companies

can't guarantee that.

That's my pizza delivery

guarantee.

(audience laughing)

here's a handyman hint.

When you've got

a piece of wood

that's just a little bit

too long,

you can shorten it using

one of these wood planes.

Makes it smoother, too.

Remember, any tool

can be the right tool.

As previously warned,

bill is going to be

fooling around with rockets.

I'll be his assistant.

Many times a scientist

has an assistant.

I'll do what

any sane assistant would do,

basically get out of there.

Bill's got her wired up.

You can ignite these almost

like an explosive charge.

There's an electrical unit

in there.

When you plunge down,

the electricity

goes through the wire.

It even goes through

when you pull up on that.

"there you go, bill.

"you're welcome."

bill hooks that up.

None of us noticed

that there was clothing,

I think the scientist

let us down.

And this was... This was...

This was an unfortunate

turn of events.

But, on the bright side,

these are

the hot new fashions

out of possum lodge.

Bill's got a bigger...

I'm doing the assistant thing

to the "t" now.

Clear the area.

But, you know what happens.

The curiosity, see --

can't help but look.

Bill did not tell me

exactly what he had in mind.

So when the rocket

hooked around his ankle,

I didn't know

whether to mention it.

Plus, I hadn't noticed it.

This was unfortunate,

because as he lay down,

and with him juxtaposing

his legs around,

he put the rocket

in an uncomfortable place,

and then really kind of

wedging it in there.

I don't whether

this is his plan,

or this is going wrong.

Is this what he wants,

or is this a mistake?

I'm thinking it's a mistake

at this point.

Now I realize, this is

nothing to do with rockets.

This is part of bill's

aerobic exercise programme.

He looks pretty aired out.

Those cramps will go away

in awhile,

but you'll never go back

to normal.

Stay tuned

while harold drops in.

The weather's perfect

for the boat race.

Tickets have been selling

like mad.

Harold has agreed to operate

the concession stand.

Right, harold?

Ahh ha ha.

Ahh.

Ha ha ha ha.

Now I know why women

were so happy

when they invented pantyhose.

You'd think my uncle would

give me a ticket.

You're getting in free.

I just attached

a few conditions to it.

Where you going to be?

Off counting your money?

No -- as manager of

the vertical grandstand,

I thought it was only right

that I take the box off

my old pick-up truck

and weld that to

the top of the tower.

Your own private box?!

You haven't lived

till you've experienced

a boat race from 130 feet.

Meanwhile, I'll be dangling

from this cable

looking like spiderman

on a coffee break.

I was thinking more

dope on a rope.

Ahhh!

Now you've gone and done it.

You've said the one thing

that always gets men

into trouble.

You had to be a big shot.

Doing that job

around the house.

She kindly offers some advice.

And you said,

"I know what I'm doing."

you lied.

You don't know

what you're doing.

Men never know

what they're doing.

Why draw attention to it?

She's only going to

check up on you.

Ok, get yourself

alone in there.

No witnesses around.

If there's any instructions,

read 'em.

I know you

don't read instructions,

but there's just no room

for error this time.

If you've got no instructions,

you can hire a professional.

But what good would that do?

It's only going to

blow your cover.

If you're really stuck,

you gotta call her dad

and ask him to come over

and help ya.

(audience laughing)

the most useless

human being on the planet.

(audience laughing)

he won't know what to do.

But he'll do anything

for his little girl.

He'll probably wreck

everything in the process.

Exactly what

you want him to do.

He can take

the heat for messing up.

You can take the glory for

admitting that you needed help.

She'll love you for it!

Remember, do exactly

what we said here.

Trust us --

we know what we're doing.

(audience laughing)

(liquid boiling)

(audience laughing)

(applause)

well, sports fans,

we should advise

any lodge members out there,

don't be too hasty getting into

the vertical grandstand

business.

Warn them to check

weather conditions

before they climb

any transformer towers.

Someone left the radio on

somewhere?

(audience laughing)

I couldn't say no.

They were so anxious

to get up that tower.

Not half as anxious

as they were to get down

when that lighting struck it.

Lightning is fast.

That's the last time

I buy an expensive ticket.

I was the last one

to get off the darn thing.

I was climbing

as fast as I could.

Why didn't you use

the winchy?

The first lightning bolt

fused the motor.

Second one fried my popcorn

and thawed the freezies.

(audience laughing)

I hear that radio again.

You want to know

the traffic report at all?

(audience laughing)

I'll tell you though,

all that

taken into consideration,

it was a beautiful sight.

I've seen a blue flame before,

but never that close

to my face,

except once at a stag.

(possum

squeal)

meeting time.

All right, harold,

you go ahead.

Mel's doing the sports, too.

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming home

after the meeting.

I got a close encounter

with raw energy.

I was hoping to share

some with you,

unless I'm grounded.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself, harold,

and the whole gang

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Harold, did you have

announcements?

Closed captions

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Boy, this is too much!