No Duct Tape/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, instead of

complaining about winter,

people need to

get out in it.

You know, have a

little bit of fun.

That's how you stay warm.

Some people skate.

Some people ski.

Some people get naked and

roll around in the snow.

Before you know it, instead of

being on a cold snow bank,

they're in a warm police car.

Personally,

I like tobogganing.

In fact, I like it so much,

I've improved it.

What I've done here is I've

duct taped a frozen turkey

to a couple of toboggans

going different directions.

We called this a double-ender

back when I was dating.

All right, now, this is the

rope that comes up from

the turkey toboggan.

All's you do is wind that

around something solid at

the top of the hill,

maybe a steel pipe or a birch

tree or a frozen fat guy.

And then what I've done is

I've tied the other end

of the rope to the back

of my toboggan.

I'm basically

ready to go.

Now, I've set up this toboggan

just like the other one,

except that this time,

I'm the turkey.

[ cheering and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate that.

Well, we've got a real big

day tomorrow at the lodge.

We're having a canoe race

against the guys from

caribou lodge.

So, just got our equipment

back into shape there.

These canoe paddles took a

bit of a beating during

the talent show.

Buster hadfield was

trying to juggle them,

and forgot about

the ceiling fan.

Oh, geez. Oh!

( groaning and complaining )

red, I've found the canoe.

It wasn't where

you said, though.

It wasn't behind the back stop

on the target range.

It was the back stop

on the target range.

All right, well just

leave it there, dalton.

We'll fix it later.

We'll do the paddle's first.

Just hold this, will you?

Think that canoe's

gonna float with

duct tape patches?

Well, not for too long,

but it'll just make

you paddle faster.

How long's this paddle

going to hold together?

The same as the canoe.

I figure your best bet

is to go like stink

and wear a bathing suit.

Okay.

That roll's done.

See another roll of duct

tape anywhere, dalton?

No, no.

You might try

the cupboard.

The guys all know they're

supposed to put it back

when they're done.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

We're out of

duct tape, dalton!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Try to stay calm, red.

Stay calm!

We're out of

duct tape, dalton!

Okay, I'm going to phone

the hardware store.

They'll deliver

it today.

Now,

what's the number?

Number one

on the speed dial.

This has never

happened before.

I may have to shut

down the whole lodge.

Hello, this is possum lodge.

We need a dozen --

two dozen!

Two dozen!

Okay we need three

dozen rolls of duct

tape delivered right away!

Pardon.

Right, yeah.

What?

What is it?

(voice quivering)

all right, fine.

Thanks.

They're on back order.

What?

They won't have

them for two weeks.

Two weeks

without duct tape.

Red, red, try and

hold it together.

Hold it together.

Hold it together

with what?

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

Today, dalton humphrey

will be playing for

250 pounds worth of

free weights.

Delivery not included.

Okay, cover your

ears, dalton.

Okay, red,

you have 30 seconds

to get dalton humphrey

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And go!

Okay, dalton,

when you go to bed

what do you do

to the alarm clock?

Unplug it.

Okay, if you started buying

those beanie babies,

you wouldn't stop until

you had a complete...

Financial breakdown.

Okay, when you put something

down somewhere, you...

Forget where it is.

This is an expression

they use in a movie.

They'll say,

"quiet on the..."

western front!

You're almost

out of time, red.

Okay, dalton,

at suppertime,

what do you do to

the dining room table?

Put away my train set.

That's it!

[ ringing bell ]

well, there you go!

This is the up close and

personal part of the show,

and we've had absolutely no

feedback on the segment,

and we find that

very encouraging.

So, today, we're going to

take a little closer look

at the man we

know as ed frid.

So, ed, maybe you could tell

us a little bit about

the frid household

back in the early days before

you became an animal

control officer.

Oh, well, we had a

great family.

Everything was perfect.

Mom, dad, sis, me.

We had a a little house

and a tire swing,

a little white picket fence.

It was the kind of

childhood all kids want.

At least it was

until we moved.

Moving can be very

difficult for a child.

What part of that

was traumatic for you?

Well, it's hard for me to

talk about this, red.

But my dad bought a

house right next to

an animal shelter.

Oh, so that's how you were

really introduced to animals.

Oh, no, red, there were

no introductions.

No, they came over

whenever they wanted to.

They clawed their way

up over the fence.

They'd tunnel their way

into our basement.

They'd slither into

our house through

the mail slot

and they always came

right for me.

You know, my father could be

asleep on the couch,

in his undershirt,

but, oh, no, they'd go right

past him and up to my room.

Well, did you tell your

parents that this

was going on?

Well, yes.

Yes, I did.

They said I was making

the whole thing up

to explain why

my bed was wet.

And were you

making it up, ed?

Not totally.

Well, doesn't it

seem odd to you

that a guy who went

through all that

would end up being an

animal control officer?

No, no,

not really.

You see, I don't

blame the animals.

I never blamed the animals.

Uh, if there are any

animals watching now,

I never blamed you,

and please don't hurt me.

I'm just saying you

should have maybe

been a teacher

or librarian or sell

unpainted furniture

or something.

Well, now, that wouldn't

solve anything, would it?

Because animals can still go

into schools and libraries

and even unpainted

furniture stores.

That's why we need to control

them, not hurt them.

I never said hurt them.

We have to

manage them and,

you know, keep them

with food

and a place to live

and keep them safe.

Otherwise, they might end

up attacking innocent

people in bed,

even though their father's

a way better target,

just lying there in his

undershirt snoring and

reeking of pork rinds.

Okay. Okay.

All right, ed.

Well, we're pretty much

out of time here.

So maybe you can cap this off

by giving a bit of advice

to some of the youngsters

who are watching out there.

Sure.

Kids, you may find that there

are many things in life

that are very scary.

And you may be tempted

to run away,

but don't do it.

They can run 10 times

faster than you.

Got a real hummer of a

tip for you this time.

You know in the winter

everybody has a fire going,

and I'm thinking,

wouldn't it be great

if you could use that smoke

to send signals to your

neighbours?

It would come in real handy

if, say, your phone

was cut off

'cause, maybe, your phone bill

had accidentally slipped

through the cracks

of your garbage can lid.

Speaking of which, I'm looking

at this kitchen garbage can,

and I'm thinking, hey,

wouldn't it be great if I

put this on top of the chimney

and use it as a

valve for the smoke?

Now, I took the pedal off,

and I mounted the rest of

the unit over the chimney.

Then I extended this rod from

the lid all the way down,

through the roof,

down here, inside, comes

all the way down through

my hook-up,

right up to the foot pedal,

which I've situated by

the wood stove.

So basically,

I can control the whole

communication process

from the comfort

of my living room.

Plus, I got this

book on morse code,

which'll allow me to convert

my files to digital.

Sort of like a computer.

So you can either stand

outside to get my messages,

or you can use windows

if you have 'em.

All right,

let's give her a try.

See if you can

understand this.

The pedal's come off.

( coughing )

did you get the message?

( coughing )

one of the things that

changes as you get older

is your attitude

towards parties.

That's because after you've

been married for a while

you realize men and women

have totally different

approaches to them.

The woman wants to know

who's coming to the party;

the man just wants to know

who's bringing the beer.

The woman cleans up whatever's

lying around the home

so the guests will think she

keeps a neat house.

The man will leave tools

lying around the home

so the guests will

help build a deck.

The woman always wants to

find out what's going on

with everybody;

the man avoids

that information.

It's safer.

It prevents him from blurting

out something he's not

supposed to know

in front of someone who's

not supposed to hear it,

especially if that someone is

carrying one of the tools

that I mentioned earlier.

So my advice is when

you get to our age,

stop going to parties.

Bringing friends together

for the sole purpose

of letting loose

is not a good idea.

People are like

nuts and bolts.

They don't work

well loose.

There's too much play.

You want to have a wing-ding,

you're better off in a

bar full of strangers

than a house full of friends.

You want to go where

the lights are low,

people are all the same.

You want to go where

nobody knows your name.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in the together.

Well, there doesn't seem to

be a single roll of duct tape

in the whole

possum lake area.

I think those guys

from caribou lodge

are hoarding it all.

So we're forced

to fix the canoe

by recycling duct tape we've

used on other stuff.

I think it's gonna

work out fine.

Red, I found some

duct tape we can use.

Wow, where'd

you get this?

Dalton, this stuff

doesn't stick.

Oh sure it does.

Look, look, look.

Look, it's fine.

No, dalton it's not fine.

Oh, yeah, I'm going.

No, no, red, don't do it.

I've gotta go.

I'm going.

Please, red, no!

Dalton,

this is an emergency.

Red, no one has broken that

glass in 50 years.

Mr green!

Mr green!

I brought you

something I think

might cheer you up.

Oh, my gosh.

Dalton, mike brought

us duct tape.

Mike brought us duct tape.

Way to go, mike!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hold it.

This isn't duct tape.

It's masking

tape painted grey.

Audience: O-o-oh!

It's not the

same thing, mike!

It's not the same thing!

Way to go, mike.

Aw, mike, sorry I

snapped at you there.

I haven't had duct tape

in over three hours.

Gimme that

hammer, dalton.

Are you sure you know

what you're doing?

Dalton, we cannot go on

living like this.

50 years it's

been there, mike.

I got it!

We're going

to be okay, guys.

Everything's

going to be okay.

When you send a special

package to a loved one

or whatever,

it can be very disappointing

when it arrives all beat

up like this,

especially, if there's an

expensive clock inside

or a small animal

or something.

And that's even after you

cover the darn thing with

warning stickers.

I tell you, to them,

"fragile" is french for

"throw underhand."

and "this end up" means

they'll decide how

this'll end up.

Well, here's a

different approach.

Maybe this warning sign

will work a little

better for you.

All right, gord?

Just give

me a minute.

Been some kind of an

accident or something?

Yeah, I'm good.

No. It's just that

darn lightning again.

Oh, boy, that stings.

You got hit by lightning?

I think so.

There was a bright

flash of light

and then the smell

of burnt hair.

So it's either lightning,

or somebody threw a squirrel

through my bug zapper.

What does it feel like when

lightning nails you like that?

Well, it's

not too bad.

You lose consciousness

and about 90 percent

of your memory.

But it's invigorating,

you know.

Oh, but you have to remember

not to take your clothes

off for a few days.

Otherwise huge sparks

leap off your body parts,

and that can be dangerous.

Especially if you're

slow dancing.

I wonder, gord, if you would

consider getting out of

the fire tower,

you know, when you

see a storm coming.

Well, it's my job, red.

I mean, if I left the tower,

lightning could very well

strike a tree and start

a forest fire.

You see, red, trees are

made out of wood,

and they burn

very easily.

I've looked into it.

It's not your duty to

be killed, though, gord.

Well, I realize

that, red.

I'm very pleased

to report that I've

never been killed.

I don't think your brain

cells got off that lucky.

Well, maybe not,

but if there's one tree

out there I can save,

well, darn it, that's what

I'm going to do.

You know some people

call me crazy.

Do you think I'm crazy, red?

Oh, for sure.

Yeah.

I love that sense

of humour.

I love it.

All right, gord, well,

if you've got to stay

in the tower,

would you at least get

me a lightning rod

and put it on top

of the thing?

I have a lightning rod.

It's right on the roof

of my tower.

And is it grounded right

into the ground?

What do you mean?

Well, there's supposed to

be a wire that runs

down to the --

well, here's a wire.

Where does this go?

Well, it's attached to

your chair, gord.

Red: Ed frid had called

us out behind the lodge.

He'd lost his pet groundhog,

and he wanted some help

finding it.

And walter was there.

Walter went one way,

we went the other.

A lot of times

they'll dig several --

there it is.

There it is.

They dig several holes,

so walter was working on

one of the groundhog holes,

and we didn't realize that we

were working in another one

in close proximity.

And, of course, we thought

we'd grabbed the groundhog.

Oh, oh, turns out --

he gave us the slip.

A lot of times, the groundhog

will stay up in a tree.

Look at that.

They sun themselves.

So all you've got to do is

go up and get them out

of the tree.

This is something

I didn't realize,

that they like

to stay up there.

I figure all we gotta do is

take a rock and just

a light nip...

But ed said no.

You're not doing that.

You're going to hurt his

favourite groundhog.

So I just chucked the rock

away, which he told he to do.

Thank you, ed, for a

brilliant suggestion.

So, ed, with the animal

control office he

works out of,

has all kinds of equipment.

A blow gun is

really what it is.

They have the

tranquilizer darts,

which gives them the exact

dosage for a groundhog,

apparently.

All he wanted was for us

to catch the groundhog

when it fell.

Catch that in the blanket.

It'd be asleep for a few

minutes, and then it'd

be all right.

Ed got all set there

and unfortunately

he inhaled.

There we go.

So then, walter had an idea.

He thought if he could

actually go up the tree

with the dart and

the dart gun,

and then he could

get a better shot at it.

It would work out better.

Then ed and I would stay down

with the blanket to catch

the groundhog.

So walter gets himself

into position.

He's usually a

pretty good shot,

but groundhogs are cagey.

They'll move on you

if you're not careful.

So he gets the dart and

gets all set and shoots.

The groundhog ducks and

the dart hits the tree and...

Oh!

Well, he's young

he'll get over it.

So I thought I'd

grab the branch,

and I could pull

the branch down,

and we'll just grab the

groundhog there.

But it seems the branch is a

little brittle and --

he takes off and he's way

outside the centre line,

and it looks good.

Looks good.

Looks good.

That's three points!

If you're a handyman,

you probably have one

of these somewhere,

a big can full of

nuts and bolts,

parts left over from things

you've put together

or things you've

blown apart.

It's a lot better

than throwing the stuff away,

but what a pain to have

to sort through everything

when you need something.

Actually, you know,

there is a better way.

Get yourself a rack of

these gumball machines.

Then put your different sized

hardware into each one.

For example, say I'm looking

for a half-inch bolt.

I just turn the crank.

I need a half-inch nut

to go with it.

No problem.

By golly.

And here's the best part,

instead of using coins,

I'm using washers, eh?

I'm using washers as slugs.

( muttering )

I think we're going to be

ready for the canoe race

even without duct tape.

The real handyman is

resourceful.

When the world hands

you a lemon,

you jam it into

a canoe hole.

We got the paddles

done, red.

Yeah, they turned

out pretty good.

Yeah,

we'll be fine.

We'll probably

come in second,

unless there's more

than two boats.

Hey, guys,

how's it going?

Ed, what do you got

there in your hand?

Oh, turtle bite.

I forgot the little guy

was in my pocket.

No, I mean in

your other hand.

You've got something that

looks like a roll of

duct tape, there.

Oh, it's a roll

of duct tape.

There's all kinds of

it up in the attic.

What's it doing up there?

We were using it to

fix the heating ducts.

I didn't know it

was good for that.

Well, there ought to

be a couple more

rolls up there.

Stand back, guys.

I'm going to open

the trap door.

Holy smokes.

Holy smokes!

[ cheering and applause ]

[ possum squealing ]

oh, it's

meeting time.

Okay, you guys

go ahead.

Don't tell the others

about the duct tape.

All right, if my

wife is watching,

I'll be coming home

right after the meeting,

and it looks like

we can start on that

house addition right away.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

sit down. Sit down.

Gather round. Sit down.

Have a seat. Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Keep your heads bowed, men.

I want to add a little

personal prayer.

Let's never forget that all

good things come from above.

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