Fund Raiser/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Here's the man with the plan

he thought of in the can...

If you're a fan

of the man in the van...

Put your hands together for

red green... Eggs and ham!

How you doin'?

Good to see you.

All right.

(applause and cheering)

here's the freak with the beak

and the chubby cheek -- harold!

(applause)

all right, cool it --

put a sock in it.

I did, and everybody laughed.

(laughing)

(laughing)

I don't want to know, ok?

We had a government building

inspector come into town

and pull a surprise

safety inspection

on the community centre

this morning.

He filled out a report,

says if we don't fix it,

he's gonna have it condemned.

He can't do that!

Where will they hold

the teen dances?

You don't go

to dances.

I will... When

I'm better-looking

and I learn karate.

So we gotta

save

the community centre --

what's wrong with it?

Just three things --

the roof, the walls, the floor.

Oh!

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

I got the scoop -- the building

inspector was called in

to the community centre

by a wedding party.

They had a wedding there

last week.

One of the steel "I" beams

swung loose from the ceiling,

dropped down

onto the wedding cake...

Cracked the icing and crushed

the bride and groom.

I'll tell you,

people are such whiners.

It's the bride

and groom

on the cake.

You're kidding.

Yeah.

Man!

Ok, anyway, if the community

centre gets condemned,

people will have quilting bees

and craft shows at the lodge.

We can't have that!

You know what I did?

What did you do?

I suggested we have

a fund-raiser,

to raise funds to repair

the community centre.

It's the centre

of our community.

Absolutely,

yeah.

The heart and soul

of possum lake,

and reflects our community...

Especially now that

it's old, cracked, and smelly.

That's it, harold.

Unfortunately, the townspeople

didn't take that well

to harold's suggestion.

I took a real hay-maker

right to the stomach.

Moose's grandmother

can be mean!

She's got the...

I gave as good as I got...

In terms of screaming.

Don't worry -- the men of

possum lodge will take over.

We're gonna raise money

to rebuild the centre.

Remember last year

where we sold chocolate bars?

Chocolate bars?

Yeah.

Those were bricks

of old cheese.

Chocolate bars.

Old cheese.

What was the crunchy middle?

Very old cheese.

(audience laughing)

(red): Something special

on the "adventures

with bill" segment.

Bill and I had

the canoes out and...

How does he do that?

How does he manage...

Bill had gone to the

chocolate-bar drive-through.

Ohhh!

Yeah, oh, that's a shame.

Oh, by golly, huh?

You ok? All right.

It's the kind of fun

that you can have outdoors.

The beauty of being outdoors is

that you're not inside as much

and you can be out there,

and there's room for you,

because guys like us only need

that little extra space...

A place to dump

our chocolate bar wrappers...

And the motor.

It will be easier to portage.

Bill and I, every year, we have

our little portaging race.

We put the canoes on

and away we go.

I didn't think

it was fair... Ohhh!

Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhh!

Bill dropped the canoe

on me -- just a way

of handicapping me a little.

It's not fair,

just to beat him,

so let's help him out.

We want a fair race,

right, bill?

What's the problem?

You can usually

pick up the canoe.

What's the trouble?

Oh, my gosh,

what have you got--

oh, all right, ok.

This makes it harder

to bend the knees.

We'll be back later with our...

... Big race,

so hang in for that.

♪ ohhhhh ♪

♪ yippee-yo, yaaa,

yahooey, yalady ♪

♪ yippee-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi ♪

♪ yes, this is the song

of the lonesome cowboy ♪

♪ when he lands the wrong way

on his saddle ♪

aiee-aiee-aiee!

Yiiii!

This is for the big one!

For a grand prize

of nine coils of kolbasa

and a 12-pound breath mint,

uncle red,

you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Dougie franklin

to say this word.

"romantic."

wahahh!

And go!

All right,

dougie.

Sensual, passionate, poetic...

1963 corvette stingray.

No, no, when a man buys a woman

flowers and candy,

that's very...

... Obvious.

No, you bring a woman

back to your place.

That's...

... A miracle.

(audience laughing)

ok, you dim

the lights down low

to make it

more...

... Difficult

for the neighbours

to see what you're doing?

I really gotta get me

some drapes, red.

It's hideous back there.

Uh, I know.

A woman falls for a man

who is...

... Uh, able to drive

a monster truck?

No? That's

not it?

I know, I know.

When a guy is very sensitive,

lavishes gifts,

and is very considerate and

very feeling, he's obviously...

... Gay.

(audience laughing)

we're almost out of time.

A '63 stingray.

Oh, romantic!

(laughing and applause)

this week on "handyman corner",

we'll solve a memory problem

we've all faced...

It's Sunday afternoon,

you're lying there relaxing.

Relatives pull in

to your driveway.

You realize it's thanksgiving

and it's your turn

to host the dinner,

and you're not dressed.

So two questions

pop into your mind.

First, how can you cook a

25-pound turkey in 13 minutes?

And, secondly,

where are your pants?

I'm gonna answer

the first question.

You might be thinking

microwave oven.

They cook fast,

they don't heat up the kitchen,

and they ding

when they're done.

Problem is,

they're too darned small.

Can't get the turkey in there.

You could cut them up

into pieces

and jam everything in.

You could put the microwave up

on its back

and jump on the turkey.

You could rip the door off

and cook 'er,

but that reduces the quality

of your dinner conversations.

So I say just forget

about the microwave.

(crashing)

go with a macrowave oven.

I like the sound of that.

You want to get

a bunch of these animal cages.

You're gonna be cooking

in these

so make sure they're empty...

Unless you got

a really weird uncle.

But the main ingredient is your

energy-gathering heat-a-tron,

also known as a satellite dish.

You can pick these up anywhere,

especially in open fields

on moonless nights.

You want to mount

your satellite dish

on something solid and low,

like a water heater

or moose thompson's

bean-bag chair.

I got 'er onto an oil drum.

No matter what time it is, part

of this is always facing south.

Looks good, looks good.

All right, the next problem is,

gotta find a way

to raise my oven chambers

so they're in the primary

cooking zone

of my satellite dish.

Oh! All right.

This swing set should work

absolutely great.

Not only will this hold

the turkey up high,

it allows me to swing it out

of the harmful rays

so I don't add my own

rump roast to the menu.

All I gotta do

is remove the seats.

Rust is a real time-saver.

Now all we gotta do

is stick food into the cages

and let mr. Sun do his thing.

I think what I've forgotten

is that, around thanksgiving,

the sun is not as hot

as it needs to be for this.

Maybe we need to switch to

a different source of energy.

Maybe take apart

this microwave oven

and get the microwave tube

or generator

or whatever it is

that makes microwaves.

Might even be a little

wave-pool in there.

We'll find out

when we take 'er apart.

All right, we got

square-head bolts.

Looks like the red size.

I got the green...

I got the black -- no red.

Oh, well.

We got our microwave generator

wired to the satellite dish,

which becomes an amplifier --

gonna boost the microwave

output of 1,500 watts

up into the area of

5 trillion megahertz

of neutron fusion energy.

That should be enough to cook

those hard-to-get-at places.

If the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Let's get cookin'.

(coughing)

ahhh...

Holy mackerel.

There's a fair amount

of shrinkage with these.

I think I should have started

with a larger turkey.

Harold!

Just kidding...

... Unless you want to.

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

Want to talk to you about

something I heard in town.

Old lady benkman said

you can't control

the ugly things

people say about you

after you're dead.

I think that's true.

I can't control the things

people say about me

while I'm living.

I don't anticipate

getting better at it

after I'm six feet under.

So you can't stop people

from saying bad stuff about you

after you're dead.

Is that real important?

Unless you have

exceptional hearing,

you may not notice.

To play it safe, you could get

buried with earplugs in.

You can't control what they say

but you can control

whether or not it's true.

Actions speak louder than words

so make sure your actions

are louder than their words.

If they say that

you were a drunken womanizer,

whereas you led a sober life

and were a decent family man,

they're gonna have a hard time

getting anybody to listen...

Whereas if it was the booze

and babes that killed you,

well, you got a problem.

But by then, you'll probably be

in a hot spot

and not that concerned

with public relations.

So don't worry about it.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(applause)

the community centre

fund-raising committee

had its first meeting --

didn't go real well.

In hindsight, the open bar

was a mistake.

Did you ever make any motions

for fund-raising?

Buster hadfield suggested

we have a walk-a-thon.

That's excellent! That's great!

A walk-a-thon's

a great way to make money!

We found out

there's walking involved

so we put that aside.

Moose thompson

had a great idea.

Belch-a-thon?

What do you think of when I say

"thrills, chills, and spills"?

Andrea thompson pouring

a cherry slurpee down my pants

at the sadie hawkins dance.

(audience laughing)

people might pay money

to see that, but...

I'm talking about a fun fair...

The possum lodge fun fair --

not like any other fun fair.

There will be no fun

and no fair.

(laughing)

all right, welcome to

"auto biography",

where members of possum lodge

talk about cars

that meant something to them.

Hap, what was

your favourite car?

Oh, my...

I'd have to say

my '62 aston-martin d.B.S.

Gold finish...

Beautiful machine.

That sounds like the car

james bond drove

before he was roger moore

or timothy dalton

or pierce brosnan

or that old guy.

It was the car, harold.

I owned the car

that was in those movies.

You bought that

from the producers?

No, they bought it from me.

They needed an aston-martin

and they knew

mine had machine-guns

and bullet-proof shields...

(audience laughing)

... And revolving licence

plates, an ejection seat,

and that thing that came out

of the wheel -- wah-wah-wah!

And that was it --

end of story.

This whole story's

kind of wah-wah-wah.

(laughing)

you're telling me

you used all those gadgets?

No!

God! You kidding?

No, I never used

the revolving licence plates,

but those machine-guns

came in handy more than once.

Without the bullet-proof

shield, I wouldn't be here now.

No, when you have those things,

you use 'em.

I could go for an ejection seat

right about now.

Or a cyanide capsule.

This was a business car, hap?

Oh, yeah! Yeah, kind of.

Come on, you knew I was in

her majesty's secret service.

Oh, yeah, right.

Double-oh-nothing,

licence to bull.

Ohhhh... Oh, beautiful car,

though, red.

Yeah.

Had a built-in bar

and a spy camera...

Satellite locator...

Even a lie-detector.

Must have drained the battery

every time

you opened your mouth!

Here we are, all set

for our big portage race.

Ok, gentlemen...

Start your angina.

Ok, we're off and

I got a bit of a lead.

One thing surprises me.

We never get a turn-out,

spectator-wise, for this,

for some reason.

I think there's a lot to watch.

I'm not sure how safe you'd be,

within, say, a canoe's-length

of the actual race itself.

If you hung back

with a telephoto, you could get

interesting shots.

I'm well out ahead.

Bill has a different approach.

He really bends over.

He's got

the lower-back problem.

That should help that.

Hang on, hang on,

but he's got the right idea.

Look out, bill --

tree, bill! Tree, bill!

Ohhhhh! Don't be hammering

on that tree -- look out!

Look out, here comes the canoe!

That has gotta hurt.

I'm just making my way along,

doing just fine.

Bill, you're going

the wrong way.

No, you should be--

where is he?

Oh, there he is.

Everything all right?

Yeah, seems fine.

And... Looks like I won.

All I gotta do

is get the whole thing in--

but I looked back.

Here he comes.

Gonna be a close race.

Hang on, bill, hang on!

Better get my canoe--

what's going on? Bill!

Look out, look out!

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Ohhh... Ahhhh!

Holy mackerel.

He won!

I'd rather lose.

Here's a walking stick

made by our pal michael --

thanks, mike.

The fun fair's gonna raise

so much cash,

we can build

a new community centre.

I'm looking after

the fireworks.

Moose thompson's got

the dart-throw going.

Got himself a '64 dart.

(audience laughing)

straps people into it

and just chucks 'er.

How's the ring-toss comin'?

Excellent -- watch this,

watch this.

Oh, boy.

No problem --

just watch.

That's hard! We'll make

a ton of money!

Oh, right, harold.

The big money-maker's gonna be

buster's flight simulator.

A flight simulator?! Awwwwww!

They're excellent!

They're so way cool!

They're like virtual reality,

3-d to the max, then you barf.

(laughing)

is it state-of-the-art?

Is it cutting-edge?

You could cut yourself real bad

on one edge.

It's a cherry-picker.

He found it just sitting

in the telephone parking lot,

and he just blindfolds people,

whips 'em around.

Harold, we got the dunk-tank,

where you throw baseballs and

the guy drops into the tank.

I love those! I love those!

Who's supplying that?

Uh, rothschild's sewage.

Oh, excellent,

excellent.

Whooooo!

Who's the sucker

who's gonna fall

in that tank all day long?

(audience laughing)

who? Tell me!

I'm gonna find out!

I know the person, don't I?

I do.

Hawww....

It's the expert portion

of the show

where we examine

those three words

that men find

so hard to say...

(audience):

"I don't know!"

either do they.

Joining my uncle red

is his best friend--

oh, instead,

it's mr. Dalton humphrey!

(applause and cheering)

the viewer asks, "dear experts,

whenever we have friends over

"and play word games,

like scrabble, the men lose.

"then we get to hear

how good they are

"at the game

'but I've got an excuse'.

"why are men bad

at word games?"

all right, let's get this

cleared up.

This is a myth.

It's completely false.

Men are not, uh...

Ok, bad... At word games.

"bad", as in limited,

deficient, inadequate, inept?

No, I mean "obnoxious"

as in "harold".

(laughing)

you know,

my wife, anne-marie,

and I play word games

as part of

our normal conversation.

She'll string words together

and I'll try and guess

what she's talkin' about.

Now, ok,

I usually guess wrong,

but that's because I lost

interest and stopped listening.

It is not because

I'm not good at it.

See, there's no incentive

to win on that.

If you do understand,

you have to get up

and do something.

See, dalton and I,

we understand each other.

Well, men understand men.

When men and women have words,

that's where

the trouble starts.

See, women use words... Um...

They, uh...

Women...

To, uh...

Communicate, inform, disclose?

Well... Close.

Yeah, ok.

But... But...

But now, with men,

what they, uh... They, uh...

Uh...

Men... Use words

to avoid saying

something.

Here we go -- that's it.

That's it, that's it.

There we go -- yeah.

(laughing and applause)

and, you see,

if men have something

real important to say,

they'll shake hands...

Or hitch up their pants

or point at something.

Yeah, sure, that's it.

That's almost eloquent

in its simplicity.

(audience laughing)

sorry, harold, you lost me.

Never mind,

it's ok.

Men are not bad at word games.

It's just that we... We...

What we... We, uh...

We use the body language.

Well!

You certainly have

a well-rounded vocabulary

to work with.

(laughing and applause)

(audience laughing)

(coughing)

(clearing throat)

well, uh...

That was, uh...

That was, uh...

That was quite a fun fair.

Flight simulator was good,

ring-toss was good.

What idiot was in charge

of the fireworks?

You shouldn't go around

calling people idiots.

I knew it was you! I knew!

Fun fairs always end

with fireworks.

Everybody agreed to that.

But it wasn't raining then.

We didn't know

we'd move the fun fair indoors.

(laughing)

other than the fire,

I think it went pretty well.

He burned the community centre

down -- it's gone!

(laughing)

the fun fair raised

enough money

to cover the deductible

on the insurance.

Now we get a brand-new

community centre.

I don't see a down-side.

Ok, how about

the insurance company

cancelling

your policy?

Now we don't have to

pay premiums.

Ok, how

about this?

I refuse to help

with your projects.

Man, I'm on a roll!

(possum squeal)

oh, meeting time.

You go ahead --

I'll be right down.

I'm gonna get the ashes

out of my nostrils.

I thought that sparkler

would never go out.

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home

after the meeting.

If you see smoke

coming from my pants,

remember, where there's smoke,

there's fire.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(possum squeal)

(harold): All rise for

the beginning of the meeting!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down.

Stinky peterson asked me

to announce that

you cannot jump-start

a '78 gremlin from a stove.

Anybody who thinks you can

is welcome to drop by his place

and put out a kitchen fire.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!