The Auto Club/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Man!

You know on cold

days like these

you end up looking around

your house for ear muffs,

then you remember how you ripped

'em in half to use as coasters

for the piano legs?

Well, don't panic.

Here's a way you can

make your own ear muffs.

Get yourself a couple of

cottage cheese containers.

Seem to have a lot of

these around our house.

I don't know why.

I don't eat cottage cheese

or anything else you

scrape off a cottage.

Then what you wanna do

is hook these together

with a croquet hoop.

Actually, just like this.

I suppose I could've done

this with a coat hanger,

but, you know, I like to go

high end whenever I can.

Now, you need to put something

inside the containers

to keep your ears warm.

How about insulation?

There's a no-brainer, huh?

You can go r-12 with these

or r-24.

Actually, if you're

fighting mike tyson,

you might wanna use steel wool.

[ shouting ]

and it's just --

I say it's just that simple.

I'll tell you,

your ears'll never be warmer.

Or itchier!

[ cheering and applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you.

Boy, I do appreciate that,

but to be honest with you,

it's been kind of a rough

day at the lodge.

Possum van broke down right

in the middle of town,

and it was rush hour, so I held

up two other vehicles.

I mean the van's a bit finicky,

but I can usually get her going.

I mean, wiggle the ignition

wires under the dash there,

or empty a 3 ought 3

into the carburator.

But boy, nothing seemed

to work on her.

We ended up having to push the

van all the way back here

to the lodge.

[ groaning ]

[ applause ]

you know, I went to

set the emergency

brake on the van,

but it was

already on.

I wonder if that's why

the van was so hard to push?

No, no, no, the

emergency doesn't

work on that thing.

I leave it

on for show.

You guys look

a little sore.

You all right?

Well, we are sore

'cause, see,

we were on the

outside pushing

while you were on

the inside driving.

Yeah,

but don't forget,

the power steering

wasn't working.

Why didn't you just

call a tow truck?

A tow truck?

That's 100 bucks, dalton.

I can replace the van for 75.

Wait a minute.

I think I smell

an entrepreneurial

opportunity here.

I don't like it

when you smell things.

No, what if there

was a cheaper way

for people to get help

with their vehicles?

Oh, I know,

like an auto club.

Boy, we could start

our own auto club.

We could get people

to pay five bucks a month,

and if they had a problem,

they'd call us,

and we'd come!

Oh, yeah, 'cause we've

got enough service

vehicles among us.

I mean, look at

my sewage truck.

That thing goes like stink!

That thing is stink.

You know, I got the k-cars.

I use the aries

'cause it's a wagon,

and, of course,

you can't trust the reliant.

You know,

you guys may be on

to something here.

You know, I think

it's a great idea.

You might think about

joining yourself.

Yeah, well, you guys

get the van running,

I'll give you

the five bucks.

No, no.

Nice try.

Nice try, red.

No, I'm in the

sewage business.

I take all my money up front.

Well, no, I can't pay you

until you get running

because I need it to

take back the empties.

[ applause ]

it's time to play the

possum lodge word game.

[ cheering and applause ]

and what a great prize.

Mike, have you ever

won a trip to France?

No, no, I haven't!

Well, if you ever do,

you'll want to take

this french-english

dictionary with you.

Okay, red, you have

30 seconds to get mike hamar

to say this word...

Yeah, all right, ed.

All right!

Okay, and go!

Okay, mike, this is

something you took in school.

Uh, bikes?

Walkmans?

Uh, lunch money?

No.

Lunches themselves?

No, no.

Chalk.

Mike!

Trophies.

Uh, light bulbs.

Overhead projectors.

Those are heavy.

No, no, mike.

No, okay, this is why

you had to cram.

Oh, to get everything

in my backpack.

This is something you had to

pass to get out of school.

Oh, okay.

The hall monitor.

Think of a big room,

lots of desks,

lots of students in there.

Nobody's allowed to talk.

Detention?

This is a test, and you

had to pass this test,

or you wouldn't graduate.

Oh, oh, the polygraph!

You're almost

out of time, red.

I can't believe you

graduated high school.

How did you pass?

I cheated on every exam.

There we go!

Yes! Yes!

[ applause ]

hey, harold!

C'mon, let's go.

What? What? What?

Let's go.

What? No, hey, no!

No I work here now.

This is where I work.

I'm working here now.

Oh, everybody's in a suit here.

You all dress the same.

Nobody's gonna notice

that one suit is gone.

Now, come on.

We are not all just suits.

Each and every

one of us

is an independent

functioning individual.

Just because we all

happen to dress well

and work in a corporate

environment

that's similar to every

corporate enviro --

where do you wanna

take me, anyway?

Up to the lodge, of course.

Oh, no, no.

I'm not going

to the lodge.

What's so important

I have to go now?

Well, harold, we've come up

with this great idea.

Everybody's all for it.

We're ready to go.

And?

Here, let me

tell you.

We got no

opposition, harold.

We've got no

different point of view.

You know how you used

to play devil's advocate,

you'd pretend you didn't like

those ideas I came up with?

I wasn't pretending.

They were bad ideas.

They were all bad.

You never had a good idea.

Just bad ideas.

What's the idea

you have now?

We're thinking about turning

the lodge into a part-time

daycare centre

for pre-schoolers.

No, no, no!

See, that's a bad idea.

That's bad on so many levels.

Well, this is exactly

what I'm talking about,

this disapproval thing.

We need this.

No, uncle red,

the lodge members,

they're incompetent,

they're irresponsible,

they're dangerous.

They don't know a thing

about watching over

children.

This is great.

This is great.

You have a real knack

for this kind of thing.

Uncle red, you've gotta

have government forms.

It's gotta be legal.

All sorts of stuff!

Just come up to

the lodge with me,

and tell the guys

this stuff, eh?

They need to hear

all this, harold.

Come on.

Come on.

Do you think I'll

really be able to change

someone's point of view?

No, no, but just knowing

you're against this

makes us all feel

so much better.

That's the important thing.

[ applause ]

oh! Oh!

Red green.

Welcome.

Yeah.

You are

welcome here, sir.

Listen, can I bounce

something off you?

It's not an

animal, is it?

No.

Please.

I'm thinking of installing

fire alarms in all the trees.

That way, if there's

ever a fire,

the animals themselves would

have the power to save

their own homes.

Gord, you know, it's not good to

spend your whole life alone.

No, you're right.

I bet the animals would

pull the alarm just

to get attention.

Fire or no fire, I bet you

the squirrels would pull it

if they were having

trouble finding nuts.

Yeah, they're

so anal, you know.

No, I'm abandoning the

whole fire alarm idea.

Okay, that's

a start.

Yep.

I'm going to go with a

heat-activated water

sprinkler system.

Totally automatic.

That way the animals wouldn't

have to pull anything.

Okay, gord, do you ever

take a break from this job?

Vacation or a long weekend,

holiday, that kinda thing?

Does lightning

take a break, red?

Does fire take

a holiday?

Do you think I want

to do this job?

How long do you think it's been

since I had a pay cheque?

Take a guess!

I have no --

take a guess!!

Seven --

never had a pay cheque!

Never, ever!

They gave me the uniform.

They said, "here, try it

out for a month."

then they said,

"see you later, bud."

oh, yeah.

You mean you've been working

for free here for 18 years?

That's right, red.

And why do you think I

would've done that,

mr smarty pants?

Lack of altern --

because I care!

Because I care about

people like you,

about the animals,

about those things

that burn out there.

I've given my life

for your safety.

And all I ask for is some

lousy water sprinklers,

and all you tell me is no.

No, no, no.

No, I'm just saying

this is not --

[ weeping ]

gord, gord,

I want you to come

back with me now,

and I want you to be with

people for a little while.

No, I can't, red.

I'm sorry, I can't.

It's coming into

the dry season,

and I've got a lot

of canned corn left.

Only a few years left

before it's expiring.

No, as much as I'd like

to go with you, I can't.

I can't leave the tower,

not for anything.

Not for you,

not for anyone.

Really? 'cause bernice has

lined up a girl she'd

like you to meet.

Really?

What's she like?

Well, she's real.

Good enough.

I know if any of you

guys are like me,

when you were a kid,

you just dreamed about driving

a dump truck, didn't you, eh?

And a lot of you guys,

as you got older,

you had to abandon your

childhood dreams,

and the rest of you

are bachelors.

So I thought, as a public

service this week,

I would show you how to

turn an ordinary car

into a dump truck.

This car actually has two

things that make it the

perfect dump truck...

Front-wheel drive and

absolutely no re-sale value.

I'll explain about the

front-wheel drive in a minute,

but first of all, I've got to

customize the body a little bit.

All right, now, uh, here's the

beauty of the creative process.

I need something to

use as a divider

between the driver and the load

that I'll be dumping.

Now, I'm not just going to head

down to the auto supply store

with a chequebook

'cause the bank manager warned

me about doing that again.

No, I'm gonna search for

something we can use out of our

existing inventory,

like, say, this perfectly

good trunk lid.

All right, uh --

okay, you wanna wear the

welding goggles when you

do that kind of work.

Bernice must've put mine

somewhere where I

can't find 'em.

She doesn't like

me welding,

ever since we

lost the garage.

Anyway, now we're ready to

actually install the

dumping mechanism,

and for that, you've gotta put

some stuff on the front wheels.

Uh, get yourself a couple

of extra rims like this,

and then you wanna attach some

heavy pipe in a criss-cross

on the outside edge.

Just weld that on there too.

Sure wish I had

those goggles.

See now, these special wheels,

once I line them up with a

couple of stepladders,

they become my

dumping mechanism.

'cause when I

throw her in drive,

the special wheels

climb the ladder, see?

That's why the car had to be

front-wheel drive.

I know what

you're thinking.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

it's time to dump.

I wanna talk to you older

guys who maybe feel bad

because you don't have

a lot of fancy things,

no big mansion on the hill;

no fancy six-figure luxury car;

no shirts with a collar.

You know, when people spend a

lot of money on something,

they call that

conspicuous consumption.

I don't understand it.

First of all, consumption,

I believe, is a disease

that took my great-grandmother

out of town.

And the last thing I would want

to be is conspicuous.

You know, that's the reason

I dress like this

rather than like liberace.

And there's other

reasons too.

But to me, the sign of wealth is

not how much money you spend,

it's how much

money you waste.

Because, like, a big house

or a fancy car or even art,

well, that has value.

That's worth something.

You know, that's

an investment.

That's for cowards!

Your real high-roller

buys crap.

So when somebody tells

you about some guy

with a rolls royce and a

12-bedroom palace, or something,

you just show him your garden

weasel and your thigh-master

and your star trek plates.

And you can just say,

"yeah, they're not

worth anything,

"but you know what?

"I don't care."

remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ phone ringing ]

hello, possum lake auto club.

Yeah.

Well, what's it doing?

You put gas in it?

Holy cow, that's a

lot of gas!

Yeah, that could

catch on fi --

it has?

Okay, you better call a

fire truck because you --

it is a fire truck?

Okay, well, someone will

be right over, okay.

Junior singleton

needs a service call.

Says the fire truck's

on fire again.

Well, how does that

affect us, dalton?

We're an auto club.

Well, junior says it's

an ignition problem.

Well, I'm not

going over there.

I've been up all night

doing service calls,

for crying out loud.

Well, somebody better

go over there.

Well, somebody's

gonna go over there.

All right, fine.

I'll get

winston to go.

All right.

We gotta re-think this

whole auto club.

First of all,

24 hours a day?

[ phone ringing ]

that's too many hours

in too many days.

And then we got

the actual vehicles.

[ phone ringing ]

the members, they all

got crap vehicles.

You gotta have

a good vehicle,

and you gotta

maintain it properly;

otherwise,

you're not --

and five bucks

a month!

Hello?

Where'd we come up

with five bucks?

Excuse me, mr green.

Not right now,

mike, okay?

Someone's expecting you.

Well, tough beans!

I'm not gonna let them

rattle my chain.

I'm taking the day off.

Tell 'em I'm taking the day off.

Okay.

No, no,

wait a minute.

Tell 'em I'll come

over there when I'm

good and ready.

And meanwhile, why don't

they go suck eggs!

Did you hear that?

They hung up.

Doesn't it feel good to

stand up for yourself

once in awhile?

Well, you better enjoy

it while you can.

Oh, yeah?

Who was that?

It was your wife.

You were supposed to pick

her up at the grocery store.

Red: Well, we had a big

cookout planned out

behind the lodge,

mike and dalton and myself.

Making a little

campfire area there,

and we needed some wood,

so we had a bunch of axes.

Careful now.

Careful.

Careful.

Oh!

Here's a safety --

oh.

Not sure what kind of wood tha

is or what kind of axe that is

all right, mike,

you give her a go.

Stand back, dalton.

Can't be too

careful around mike.

Yeah, it went over

in the other area.

Look on the ground.

It should be --

there it is.

Not sure how we're gonna

get that, uh, tree down.

Can't have a fire without wood

okay, dalton,

you give her a go.

He's a little shaky.

Dalton, no, don't!

Okay, well, there's our wood.

Okay, now, we had

all the vegetables,

and mike was

bringing the meat.

Boy, there's enough

for all of us there.

There's nothing

like fresh pork, is there?

We had the corn and the

potatoes and the beans

and everything.

We're wondering how

we're gonna cook this.

You gotta be creative,

and these were crutches

from our earlier adventure.

You stick them in the ground,

one on each side of the

campfire.

And then what you do is you ru

a hockey stick right through -

see that's --

and then to keep her warm,

you put her on top, see.

So all we gotta do now, of

course, is, uh --

what've you got there, mike?

And apple for us

for the pig's mouth.

Oh, okay, okay, great.

So we're all set.

Okay, mike, good idea.

You brought the pig,

so away you go.

Away you go.

Oh, yeah.

We can't cook him alive, mike

away you go.

Come on, away you go.

Go on.

Oh, for gosh sake.

All right.

All right, dalton,

you get it.

Come on, dalton,

just give it a quick one,

and it's over with.

Come on.

Away you go.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on, you can do it.

You can do it.

Oh, for gosh sakes.

What? Oh, yeah.

All right.

All right. All right.

Boy, I tell you,

it all worked out in the end.

It was a great day,

and what a great meal we had.

Just something about the

comraderie of the whole deal.

Everybody had a good meal.

This is the repair shop

part of the show we call,

if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

Joining me today

is dalton humphrey.

What can I

do for you, dalton?

Well, red, I was hoping

you could unjam this

gum ball machine.

Boy, I didn't know you

had gum balls at the

everything store.

No, no, I don't.

No, this is from

the mall.

Yep, my quarter

got stuck in it.

Trying to get a gum ball

out, the machine jammed.

Now I got no gum ball;

I got no quarter.

Well, put her up on the bench.

I'll see what I can do.

You got

your, uh --

almost looks like you got

your thumb caught in

there, dalton.

Maybe.

Well, I can see

the coin.

Don't you just wanna smash

it in a million pieces?

This might just --

there we go.

Got it.

That's not a quarter.

That's a penny!

Well, will you look

at that, huh?

That's how

you wrecked it.

You jammed a penny in there

because you're too cheap

to put a quarter in.

Holy mackerel.

You know what

must've happened?

I must've accidentally

put a penny in,

when I was going

for a quarter.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Here's the quarter

right here.

That's what must've happened.

I used the wrong coin.

I'm gonna use it to get

your thumb outta

there, dalton.

Easy, easy, yep.

Okay, yep, yep, yep.

Oh, yeah,

she's working great.

That's my gum!

Oh, sorry.

Well, okay.

We're having

a disagreement about

the whole auto club.

Boy, the van breaks down,

he calls the auto club,

which he's

the boss of,

and then he makes us push

the van all the way back

into town again.

Well, I'm not just

the auto club president,

I'm also a client.

[ laughter and applause ]

yeah, but that's

the customer taking

advantage of the merchant,

which is a

complete reversal of

the entrepreneurial spirit.

I don't understand why we

need an auto club anyway.

I mean, when my

car doesn't go,

I just hot wire

another one.

Yes, mike,

but for those of us

who don't enjoy

prison food,

I think we maybe have to

come up with a better

solution, guys.

Well, I think we should

just abandon the

auto club.

Oh, no refunds,

though.

I'm not giving people

their money back.

Oh, no, we'll

just tell 'em

to get jumper cables

and a can of gas

and let 'em solve their

own darn problems.

Yeah, they can help

one another out.

Exactly.

I mean, geesh,

on any given day,

surely there's one car

around here that works.

That's so beautiful.

I mean, can you imagine a world

where people help one another

without charge of money?

That only happens

in disaster movies.

Well, I don't think

we could make that

big a disaster.

Well, the show's

getting there.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time.

Let's go, guys.

Okay, you guys go --

I'll be down in a sec.

Um, if my wife is watching,

um, sorry I didn't pick you up

at the grocery store there.

We're having a problem

with the phones.

Apparently there's

a little phrase

that's kind of a random --

just comes onto the line.

Apparently -- they tell me it's

the digital convergence

to an analogue source

on a rotary phone,

so it's possible that you

might've heard

what you thought was me saying,

"go suck eggs."

so -- but I --

but I've looked into it,

and -- and I found the problem.

And it won't happen again.

I promise.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ applause ]

closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com

okay, everybody sit down.

Sit down, guys.

Come on.

Sit down.

Everybody down.

All rise!

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if have to,

I guess.

But if your tire needs a change,

you can do it yourself.

Amen!