The Lost Dog/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Thank you very much.

The whole possum lake area's

in a flap over... Who got lost?

Scottie.

Yeah, right, scottie.

Some 3-year-old named scottie

went into the woods

and -- surprise, surprise --

got lost.

We're supposed to run out

and look for him.

Come on, think about it --

poor little scottie

in the woods--

oh, come on, harold.

The kid's 3 years old.

Let him tough it out, huh?

When I was a kid,

we'd walk five miles to school.

We dropped out,

but we would have walked.

I say let scottie duke it out

with some wolverine

for cave space, there.

But, uncle red--

make a man of him.

Probably run on all fours.

Scottie is a dog.

What?

A dog.

Little

scotch terrier.

A little scottie dog?

The black moustache

and perky ears

and you can't see the legs?

That's scottie.

We got a lost dog to look for!

Come on, let's go!

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): Today,

harold makes himself

even geekier than usual,

ranger gord turns his brain

into a computer...

Oh, boy.

We got winston with

a little scary advice,

and hap is lying for all

he's worth, which ain't much.

A dog will treat you better

than any human will.

That's why we gotta rescue

that terrier.

You can trust a dog.

A dog won't lie to you.

Dog won't steal your car.

Except that dog

moose thompson had.

That was moose's fault.

Cocker spaniels are smart.

Teaching it to fetch

the car keys,

it was only a matter of time

till the dog

put two and two together.

No, sir, we owe it

to every dog

to go and rescue scottie.

We owe ourselves

the $200 reward for scottie.

Scottie's owners

are really rich.

Everybody and his brother's

out in the woods

looking for him.

Don't forget,

it's possum woods.

That's no walk in the park.

No, that's a walk in the woods.

Remember when me and you used

to go walking in the woods?

We used to go walking

in the woods,

and somehow,

we'd always get separated.

Ha! Remember that?

Wow!

I'd have to find

my own way home.

But I did it.

I kept coming back.

Yeah, you

did, harold.

I guess I'm part bloodhound.

Not the good

part.

(audience laughing)

(red): Bill's gonna go looking

for that lost dog

by making some sort

of a dirigible zeppelin thing.

He got a tank of helium

from the local circus

or flower shop.

Got too much

for the table, bill.

There you go.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, by golly.

Wow! Whoa!

This may take a while.

Helium's lighter than air.

Sort of like your brain.

Ok, this is the big one!

The grand prize is from

mr. Ed's end of line

and odd lots --

a case of quebec nordique

hockey uniforms.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Humphrey

to say this word.

Thirty seconds, and go.

Uh, all right.

Emotions.

Uh, messy.

No, emotions.

Weird.

No, what's in your heart.

Triple bypass.

You know, the stuff

that's in there.

Cholesterol.

No, no, no.

When somebody says something

mean, it hurts your...

... Chances for promotion.

(audience laughing)

the way you react

to friends and family...

Defence

mechanisms.

Your time's almost up,

uncle red.

The most annoying song

ever written.

"feelings"!

(applause)

♪ oh, I can sing low

as a bullfrog ♪

♪ even when

they're in heat ♪

♪ but I can't sing

as high as an eagle ♪

♪ because they sing

at 20,000 feet! ♪

a lot of folks try

to keep dogs from running away

by fencing them in,

tying them up,

putting them on a leash.

That works on husbands.

That is backwards thinking.

Today on "handyman corner",

I'll show you

how to keep your dog

from running away

by treating him like a god.

See the words?

"dog", "god", eh?

That's backwards spelling,

not backwards thinking.

All dogs love to eat.

Why not serve food in something

they like to eat out of?

Even the worst restaurants

will tell you

presentation is everything.

Don't let him eat

out of the top of the can.

Snug the lid down,

punch a hole in the back.

The dog has to work a bit

for the food.

Not only does he feed himself,

he feels like

he's doing something naughty.

Same thing with drinking water.

Put the water in something

the dog likes to drink out of.

What dog will leave home

when you got everything he wants

right here?

It's kind of

a reverse psychology,

except you do it backwards...

Like "god" and "dog".

It's in their genes

or hormones.

Like the way they like

to chew shoes.

Buy a bunch of shoes.

You can get a pile for about

five bucks at a yard sale.

I know what you're saying.

"all you're doing

is encouraging

"all the dog's bad habits.

"they should send him

to obedience school."

heck, if you're gonna spend

100 bucks or so,

why not buy

a great doggy toy instead?

Dogs love to chase cars.

Give him his own car to chase.

I've duct-taped

the steering wheel

in the full-turn position.

I don't have to worry

about the dog or the car

leaving the property.

Wouldn't want this unit on

the highway with no driver.

It will lose a wheel disk.

All right, start her up.

Drop her into gear

and she's on her way.

With a tank of gas,

that baby will run for a week.

You're thinking, "the dog's got

food, water, recreation --

"he's never gonna leave."

he might -- he needs

one more thing: Romance.

Dogs get lonely.

I think it's the main reason

they do stray.

Your dog will never leave

if you got one of these.

Look at that.

Get a leg up

on the competition.

Or, as we say at the lodge,

why would you go out

for hamburger

if you got polyester at home?

I'm not done with this.

I'll wire in

some soft lighting,

put in some disco music,

a lava lamp,

but I'll get to that.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Where are my tools?

Right.

Stay tuned for harold

and his map.

Look how dumb he looks.

Getting older means

you got the time and money

to pursue the interests

you've put off

till the kids are grown.

You get yourself a dirt bike

or a jet ski

or one of them

flaming hang gliders...

(audience laughing)

then the kids start showing up

at the front door

all of a sudden...

And you don't want to share,

and that's fine.

You're old now.

You don't have to feel guilty

any more.

Here's what you do

to get rid of the kids.

Use the old guy's

secret weapon -- boredom.

Oh, yeah, start talking

about the weather

or your latest operation

or something.

You'll think of something --

you're old now.

You've only begun to tap in to

your potential to bore people.

The kids will go away and play

a video game or hopscotch,

maybe knock over

a liquor store.

You get to play with your toys

all by yourself.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(applause)

come in -- check, anyone.

Anyone, come in.

Come in, anyone.

Anyone, come in.

Check one, hello.

Come in.

Yeah, harold,

it's uncle red -- over.

Oh, excellent, uncle red,

that's so great!

You're coming in five by five.

That means loud and clear.

I'll have a cheeseburger

and a large fries.

Should I drive

to the second window?

(screaming)

I didn't know you were there.

I thought you were

with the search party.

They just left.

Search party left

three hours ago.

The first one did.

This party's looking

for the search party.

I've narrowed down

their location.

I'm using army men

to represent the volunteers,

because knowing

is half the battle.

They're up here

at rock reef point.

You know where that

studebaker's wedged in?

Then I got notice they were

going swimming at foam falls.

That's the last I heard of 'em,

so what did I do?

I got the second search party,

which I call the search party

search party, or the s.P.S.P.,

and I've got them

at work socks swamp.

You know where

the marsh gas ignites

when cars go by?

No word from them, either.

You can take moose thompson

off there.

He's over at mercury creek

with his head in my trap.

It's my fault for baiting it

with a pork chop.

Why didn't you use food

that moose wouldn't eat?

Such as what?

Asphalt?

(laughing and applause)

the trick to not getting lost

in the woods

is to know every single rock

and tree in it.

Test me on this.

Over there,

there's a fallen birch log,

a rock sticking out

of the ground,

some lichen moss

in the shape of an "s",

pine cones, a tree

with leaves on it --

32 green leaves, one yellow

leaf, one brown leaf.

Beside that, there's two rocks.

Beside that,

there's a pine cone.

Well, you missed

a pine cone there.

On the right-hand side, there.

You were close, though,

very close.

That was good, yeah.

Must have fallen

just this week.

Oh, all right.

I'd better add that

into the old computer.

For you young kids,

it's my new intellivision.

(beeping and whirring)

(grunting)

(humming)

(whirring)

there we go.

Would you like some cheesecake?

Wow! You got food hidden

in the woods?

Just like a squirrel.

Over there, I've got

a nice roast of beef.

Up that oak, I've got

a nice caesar's salad.

Although squirrels hide

their nuts,

people don't usually do that.

Well, I don't know, gord.

Nobody knows where you are.

You've dated her

about five times.

You're getting into a nice,

comfortable routine.

Pick her up at 7:00,

burgers at 8:00, home by 11:00.

Then she goes and throws

a monkey into the wrench

and looks at you and says...

"I love you".

(audience laughing)

it's funny, isn't it,

how three little words

can scare a man?

Like "no more beer".

Yeah.

Or "that's my husband!"

(audience laughing)

none is worse than "I love you".

That's the biggie.

Don't answer her,

don't say anything.

She knows you're a man.

You're not supposed

to express yourself.

She'll think

you're the strong, silent type.

This buys you some time.

Let me tell you something.

When a woman says "I love you",

could mean a couple of things.

She might be ending

the relationship.

She's trying to force you

to run away.

Women will say "I love you"

to spark up

an otherwise dead-end

relationship, too.

Might be trying

to jump-start her own feelings.

Right, or yours.

Go home and

don't call her again.

Yeah.

When a woman says "I love you",

there's no telling

what she means!

(laughing and applause)

hey, handymen, you want to make

a straight cut

but don't have a chalk line?

This works just as well.

The old rusty saw blade.

Perfect.

(high-pitched voice):

Oh, I fell off!

I can't swim!

Put those plastic

volunteers away.

I'm on the trail of that dog.

I'm just looking

for the search parties.

I wish I knew

where old man sedgwick was.

He knows these woods

better than anybody.

He's over by mercury creek.

He was standing in the trees,

panting like a beagle.

He'll never catch

the lost dog that way.

That's what I said.

He said, "what lost dog?"

(audience laughing)

I'd try over by possum lake

ski and golf club.

Some of the golfers are finding

surprises in the sand traps.

No, no, no,

uncle red.

You can't go there.

Remember the restraining order.

I'm not going there.

I've got an idea.

I'm gonna rent

a pair of bagpipes.

I'm gonna play them

and I figure it's gonna lure--

hey! Hey, it's a scottie dog.

I think the bagpipes

will bring

the scottie dog--

I wouldn't go near 'em,

but bagpipes lure scottie dogs.

(audience laughing)

well, uncle red...

(laughing)

I don't think there's any need

to insult our scottish viewers.

(laughing and applause)

maybe not,

but it's so much fun, harold.

When I get the bagpipes,

I'll play a polka

and insult our european viewers

and half of buffalo.

(laughing and applause)

(red): Meanwhile,

back at the hindenburg,

bill had attached --

beautiful! --

Helium-filled balloons

to the chair--

bill, the lawn chair.

Bill, it's... It's... It's...

You might want to tie that

to the ground or something...

We got a heavier chair,

and more balloons.

Where do you want this tied?

Oh!

I don't think that helps.

There we go, there we go.

There's a spot

with the foot-rest.

You can tie that on there.

We got 80, 90, 100, 200, 300...

Probably about

70, 40 balloons up there.

She's starting to--

oh, hang on, bill.

She's going up.

Bill, don't let--

bill, you're-- no, no.

You want to be in the unit

when it--

bill, you need to be--

up you go.

Give me a boost.

I'll give you-- you give me--

no, you give me-- you, me...

Oh, forget it.

Now he's got a beanbag chair.

What are we doing?

You'll fill that with helium?

I got bad news.

We seem to be hitting

around zero

on the helium scale.

No problem?

You've got what?

You've got helium in there?

I don't think so.

What have we got?

It's propane --

that's propane, bill.

That's not helium.

It's not going to go up.

I think propane is

about the same weight as air.

It's about the same.

No, it's heavier.

Propane is heavier than air.

That's right, yeah, yeah.

Bill's gonna empty the beanbag.

I don't know

what he's got in mind.

He's gonna empty that out.

♪ it's beginning to look

a lot like trouble ♪

anyway, we filled those

balloons with the propane so...

Dangerous, but they're

not going anywhere.

How do you go up in the air?

You've solved the problem

of floating away--

matches! Oh, matches!

Oh, matches, yeah.

I'm long gone,

and who can blame me?

You're gonna strike that up.

That makes perfect sense.

You're sitting on 400 pounds

of propane.

Well, you were sitting on that.

Wonder where he is.

Oh, he's looking good.

I hope you're looking

for the dog -- you may not be

up there too long.

There's the lazy-- whoa!

Oh, for gosh sakes!

(laughing)

what a plan.

Stay tuned as harold says

nothing makes me laugh.

He's wrong.

Bagpipes worked, harold.

I caught the missing dog.

You were just lucky.

What happened to your hand?

Well, I thought...

Ok, what would lure

a boy scottie dog

off a golf course?

You know -- ding!

A bell went off in my head.

Ding!

I thought,

"ok, a girl scottie dog."

but we don't have one.

I thought, "I'll disguise

moose thompson's dog as one."

moose thompson's dog

is a rottweiler.

Is it ever!

Didn't seem to mind

when I put the bay city rollers

scarf on him, or the tam.

I figure this kilt was

about a size two small.

(audience laughing)

touchy!

Oh, boy, those rottweilers --

I think they're over-bred.

You should be so lucky, harold.

Tell you what, though.

I'll split the reward with you.

Oh, ok, all right.

What are you thinking?

Like, 100 each or something?

Well, yeah, after expenses.

We gotta subtract gas,

supplies, beverages,

bagpipe rental and bagpipe

replacement, of course.

So what?

We break even?

We will if you chip in

15 bucks.

That's not bad!

(laughing and applause)

it's "male call"!

(applause and cheering)

harold.

(laughing)

that's loud!

Ok, here's a letter.

First letter goes as follows,

and it's from louise lake

from helena.

No, that's helena

from lake louise.

All right, um...

"dear red,

what makes you laugh?"

good question --

nothing, that's what.

(laughing)

he laughs at zip, nada.

That's not true, harold.

I laugh at lots of things.

Name one thing.

Nothing, that's what --

nothing.

(laughing)

I'm not like you.

You giggle at air.

Lots of things I laugh at.

What?

Maybe not that so much...

But there's other...

Yes?

There's other...

There's something I laugh at.

Nothing.

Let me think.

There's nothing.

I know!

Whoa!

That's it!

Yeah, that's it!

(laughing)

here we are

with hap shaughnessy.

What are we fishing for?

Bass, red.

That's what the big t.V.

Celebrities like to fish for.

(laughing)

come on, hap,

I'm not a big t.V. Celebrity.

I didn't mean you.

I mean people I met when I was

a hollywood director.

Names you wouldn't remember,

like that kid from "rawhide".

Eastwood, clint.

He did that one show

and disappeared.

There was my other buddy

from "harper", burt reynolds.

He hasn't made it again

in t.V. Either, poor kid.

You're saying that

burt reynolds is your friend?

Well, that's what he'd say.

I'm not so fond of him.

I like sally, sally fields.

Yeah, remember her?

Yeah.

"flying nun" -- when t.V. Made

the big transition

from black and white to colour,

she couldn't cut it.

Wonder what happened to her.

You've never told me

you were a director before.

Yeah, and a writer.

A writer?

On the sid caesar show.

I still fish with a couple

of those other writers.

Neil simon, woody allen.

They don't do t.V. Either

any more.

None of us do.

Clint, burt, sally, neil,

woody, or me.

We still go fishing

every spring.

You ever been on that old game

show "to tell the truth"?

Hmm?

That sounds like

you don't believe me.

Well...

Here's a picture taken

last spring.

Now, how do you account

for that?

She looks like a bit

of a paste-up, hap.

Burt's head is the same size

as woody's whole body.

That's perspective.

Burt is closer.

How come you're the only one

in colour?

Everybody else

is in black and white.

I told you, red.

None of them made

the big transition to colour.

Can't be harder than

the big transition to reality.

Ran into a bit of a wrinkle

with the lost-dog fiasco.

What have you got there,

harold?

A dog.

A scottie dog.

The scottie dog that has

a $200 reward on his head.

Wah-hahh!

Don't be so sure

that's the dog.

Everybody's finding them.

Buster hadfield did,

stinky peterson did.

Old man sedgwick

even found one.

They all look

like scottie?

Except old man sedgwick's --

it was a skunk.

But we all lose, harold.

The real scottie dog

ran home to his owners,

scared off

by all the guys

with the camp songs

and mud-wrestling

and exploding cats and so on.

What do we do now?

How do we get these dogs

back to their owners?

It's just one owner, harold --

a scottie dog breeder.

He's coming over now.

All these dogs

from one place, huh?

Somebody had to go there

and open their cages.

Yeah, well, more likely--

that's probably-- makes sense--

(possum squeal)

meeting time -- away you go.

Away you go -- off you go.

Uncle red, I am

so disappointed in you.

Well, then, we're even.

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming home

after the meeting.

If you find a black hair

under my shirt,

it's not what you think.

It's just puppy love.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of harold and myself

and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

Wave -- you wave, too.

You wave --

wave to those people.

Wave to the nice people.

(possum squeal)

(harold): All rise, all rise!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

I just want to know...

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Boy, this is too much!