Big Guy Little Guy/Transcript

The complete transcript for Big Guy Little Guy

Intro
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, here's the man who is a legume in his own time, your host, your hero, but my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks into the lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: {waving the cheering down} All right. All right. Yeah, thank you very much. Appreciate it. {rubs hands together} I was almost late for the show there today. {points thumb behind him} A bunch of kids are blocking the way up at Cardiac Hill.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, they– they were on the sidewalk, weren't they?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Yeah, but I was taking my shortcut, you know? {laughs; back to camera} Yeah, I figure, when I'm driving, everything between the fire hydrants is my territory, you know? {back to Harold} What the heck were those kids doing up there, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, th– those are the little guys! You know, from the "big guy little guy" club?

RED GREEN: Oh.

HAROLD GREEN: It's like where a man volunteers his time to be with a little boy who doesn't have a father available.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, right.

HAROLD GREEN: And I'm their secretary! {smiles} I've asked you to join a million times!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, no. I don't– I can't relate, Harold. I find– I find the young people want to do things fast and often. That's not really my style.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, really? When you think of it, you know, that's part of the challenge, actually, you know? To find common interests and activities to share with a young boy? Yeah! {Red waves dismissively} Well, that's why we're having the soapbox derby.

RED GREEN: {suddenly brightening up} Soapbox derby? Oh, I love that. I love the soapbox derby.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, well, if you were to become a big guy and we found you a little guy, you can be in the derby!

RED GREEN: Well, I don't want to make a big commitment. Maybe I can be a 24-hour big guy.

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} Okay, but I'd have to run your name through a computer.

RED GREEN: How come?

HAROLD GREEN: To find if you've ever been in trouble with the police.

RED GREEN: {suddenly angry} Well, if you're gonna nitpick...! {turns and storms out the lodge door}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a scene in the lodge: Red is holding up a trophy while Harold stumbles around, covered bike pieces. Red waves dismissively.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few scenes from this week's show.

{Cut to Red at Sparky Hoover's radio tower.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We got the usual stuff. Got a new guy there! New guy for you to meet. And of course, you got the...

''{Cut to a butterfly perched on the ball hitch of the Possum Van. Bill brings a butterfly net down on it. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera, but the van then pulls away, with the net still on the hitch and dragging Bill along with it.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...Adventure film. That's usual, and, uh... Oh, don't worry. We're still spinning our wheels here.

{Cut to a car slightly tipped up and its back wheels spinning futilely as Red tries to drive it away.}

Plot Segment 2
''{Harold is looking at a very long strip of paper. Red enters the lodge.}''

RED GREEN: Well, they're getting Cardiac Hill all set for the soapbox derby and everything. They got the bales of straw running down the sides, they got the skin graft unit down at the finish line. {chuckles; looks toward Harold} Well, I see you got the results of your urine test.

HAROLD GREEN: No. {tries to fold up paper} No. This is– This is a list of your, uh, your community infractions. Haw! Very impressive! Oh, yes, indeedy-doody! {folds paper up somewhat and shows it to Red} Look at that, look at that! We got, uh, air pollution, noise pollution, {folds paper over} littering, {folds paper over again} property damage!

RED GREEN: That's not too bad, Harold, there's no fatalities there.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, just one, Mother Nature.

RED GREEN: Why would you care? She's no friend of yours.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} You better be start being nice to me, you know, 'cause I was considering bending the rules to let you in the big guy little guy club. {folds paper in half}

RED GREEN: Yeah, but Harold, I only wanna join if I can get into the soapbox derby, you know.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I know, I know, I know!

RED GREEN: Yeah. All right.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, but we gotta do the pledge.

RED GREEN: Okay.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right.

HAROLD GREEN: {tucks paper behind one suspender} So, okay, put one hand over your heart... {puts his right over his heart; Red does the same with his left} ...and the other one on your wallet... {both place their free hands to their sides} Yeah. And then repeat after me, okay? "I promise to be a big guy to a little guy until the little guy becomes a big guy."

RED GREEN: Alright, I– I promise to be a big guy to a little guy until the end of the race.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, yeah, okay, close enough. Okay. Oh, also– also– also– also– also, there's the club song. You have to do the club song.

RED GREEN: Song?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, it goes– it's like this, you just gotta do this, you gotta go, 'kay... {dancing wildly and rapping} B-B-B-Big guy! B-B-B-Big guy! Look it, don't cry, little guy! I'll be your big, big, big, big, big guy! {crosses his arms in front of him} Okay. Yeah. So, now you go. {pointing to Red} Say it, go! {raps} B-B-B-Big guy!

RED GREEN: Buh-buh-buh-buh?

HAROLD GREEN: {raps and dances} B-B-B-Big guy!

RED GREEN: {trying to rap and dance} B-B-B-Big guy!

HAROLD GREEN: Don't cry, little guy!

RED GREEN: Don't cry...

HAROLD GREEN: I'll be your– I'll be...

RED GREEN: I'll be your– I'll be...

HAROLD GREEN: I'll be your– Not you, me. I'll be–

RED GREEN: I'll be your big guy...

HAROLD GREEN: {raises his arms in the air} Big guy... Big guy...

RED GREEN: Big guy... until–

HAROLD GREEN: {lowers his arms} Little guy...

RED GREEN: {lowers his arms} Little guy...

HAROLD GREEN: {raising his arms up and down} I'll be a big guy, little guy...

RED GREEN: {trying to follow Harold's lead} I'll be a big guy–

HAROLD GREEN: {points to himself} My guy...

RED GREEN: {points to himself} My guy...

HAROLD GREEN: {crosses his arms in front of him} Yo.

RED GREEN: {crosses his arms in front of him} Yo.

''{They both cross their arms in front of them again. The audience applauds.}''

RED GREEN: Was that good enough?

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, I just made the song up. {laughs}

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, my Uncle Joe was a handsome man,
 * With his icy cold blue eyes.
 * But the thing that made him different,
 * My Uncle Joe was covered with flies.
 * Oh, Uncle Joe had lots of flies,
 * Zooming 'round his head.
 * I've seen other things with more flies on 'em,
 * But most of them were dead.
 * Oh, Uncle Joe was a wild, wild man.
 * He'd drink homemade beer by the dozen.
 * Does he act that way because of the flies,
 * Or is it Uncle Joe the one with the buzz on?

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Okie-dokie-doo! {pull back to reveal Red and Mike sitting at the card table} Welcome back to the Possum Lodge Word Game, and this week, Mr. Mike Hamar is playing for a fabulous prize: an entire car alarm system brought to you by the people of Car-Safe!

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, I know those! Those are good ones!

HAROLD GREEN: Remember, Car-Safe stops thieves cold!

MIKE HAMAR: Unless you got a hairpin and a bent knife.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, fine. Uncle Red, you got thirty seconds to get Mike Hamar to say this word...

{Mike covers his eyes as well as his ears while Harold holds up the word sign to show the audience.}

HAROLD GREEN: {saying word on sign} Purchase. Purchase.

RED GREEN: {waving impatiently} All right, all right.

''{Harold sets the sign down on the table and moves a bell in front of Red. Mike removes his hands from his head.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Thirty seconds, and go!

RED GREEN: Alright, Mike, you go into a store, you see something you want and you need, so you...

MIKE HAMAR: Steal?

RED GREEN: Nope.

MIKE HAMAR: Swipe?

RED GREEN: No.

MIKE HAMAR: Grab?

RED GREEN: No.

MIKE HAMAR: Snatch?

RED GREEN: No.

MIKE HAMAR: Boost?

RED GREEN: No!

MIKE HAMAR: Pawn?

RED GREEN: No!

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, holster?

RED GREEN: Mike! Mike, Mike! Okay, for starters, you have money to pay for this thing.

MIKE HAMAR: Ohhh, oh! {laughs} Ohhh!

RED GREEN: Okay!

MIKE HAMAR: Right!

RED GREEN: Different story, right? So you go into a store and you...

MIKE HAMAR: ...rip off?

RED GREEN: No!

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, pilfer?

RED GREEN: No!

MIKE HAMAR: Filch?

RED GREEN: Mike! Are you not getting this? All right, think of it this way: you have a wallet in your pocket, okay? That wallet is full of money. That wallet is full of credit cards. So you go right up to the counter, and you... {Mike hangs his head guiltily} Mike, you go right up there. {Mike digs into his pants pocket and pulls out a wallet} What you do is you take it and you...

MIKE HAMAR: {holds out wallet to Red} Return it?

''{Red takes the wallet. He suddenly looks into his own pants pocket and sees nothing. He then opens up the wallet and looks into it. The audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Wait a minute, wait a minute! This is fifty bucks short!

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, I had to make a few purchases.

{Harold suddenly rings the bell on the bell, ending the game, while Red still looks into his wallet.}

HAROLD GREEN: The winner! {reaches hand out to Mike} Congratulations! Marvelous! {Mike shakes his hand} Way to go!

Handyman Corner
''{Red has lifted the hood of the Possum Van and looks at the engine inside. White smoke is spewing out.}''

RED GREEN: All right, so your van has blown a gasket and you're about to do the same. {closes hood} You're looking at a tow truck charge that's gonna be more than the darn vehicle is worth.

{Red taps the van with his hand and walks around to the other side of the van, up to the Handyman Corner sign.}

RED GREEN: So I thought this week on Handyman Corner, I'd show you a way to avoid those endless tow truck charges. Basically now, you got two choices: one, well, you can build your own tow truck. Otherwise, you can take better care of your vehicle; get that maintenance done on a regular basis. {walks behind van} All right, here's how to build your own tow truck. {behind the van is a boat trailer} First thing you need is a boat trailer. {walks up to boat trailer} If you don't have a boat trailer, just go down to your local marina. You can pick one up cheap. {lifts up one end of boat trailer} Or if you're really on a budget, go down to your local boat ramp and just pick one up. {pushes boat trailer} All right, next thing you need is a truck. Unfortunately, my truck is the van. {pushes trailer up to another car} So I bought this car here off Buster Hadfield; give him a hundred bucks for it, and I know that's a lot to pay for a car, but I wanted something that would last. So now, I'm gonna make a tow truck. Well, I should say a tow car. {hefts tug of trailer up higher} All right, what you wanna do is, lift the tug of the trailer up, high enough to get the back end under there. {pushes end of trailer under car} And you wanna get it a long way in. Otherwise, it could be dangerous.

''{Red lets go of the boat trailer, the back end of which is now pinned under the car and the tug end up in the air. Red wipes his hands together.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, now you want to attach that to the back of the car as firmly as possible. {takes the tug end of trailer again; picks up a roll of duct tape} And those of you who've seen the show before know what I'm gonna say next. {holds up duct tape} It's almost like we're married.

''{Red walks off. Wipe to a later scene. Red is covering the back of the car, and the trailer under it, in duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: All right, that's got her. {walks over to trailer's tug} Now what you do is you take your cable off the winch there. {unwinds winch cable on trailer} And you take that down... {hooks cable on Possum Van's hitch} Hook her right onto your vehicle that needs to be towed, and then you just winch the trailer down so the hitch sits right onto the ball. {looks up at trailer in midair} All right...

''{Red climbs onto the trailer. He crawls up to the winch on the trailer and turns the crank. The trailer lowers to the ground as he cranks. Wipe to a later scene. Red keeps turning the winch crank. By now, the trailer has almost completely lowered onto the Possum Van's hitch ball, with the winch cord tied to it. The hitch finally lowers completely onto the ball, nice and tight. Red climbs off the trailer.}''

RED GREEN: And that's got her.

''{Red squats down beside the van's hitch ball with the trailer attach to it. He taps the trailer to get it into place.}''

RED GREEN: And guys, if you have a two-inch hitch, use a two-inch ball, not a one-and-seven-eighths, okay? You got a ton of metal up in the air, held together to your car with duct tape. Let's not be stupid. {picks up a safety chain on the trailer} Same thing with the safety chains; it's not something you use a whole lot, y'know, but if you're ever gonna use 'em, this might just be the time.

''{Red ties the chains to the van's hitch. Wipe to a later scene. Red walks around beside the car.}''

RED GREEN: Now I just gotta add some weight to my tow truck, and we're done.

''{Red bends down and picks up a tire lying by a shed. He tosses it onto the trunk lid of the car. He then adds a second tire. Wipe to a later scene. The entire back end of the trunk is now piled high with various articles of junk from all over the area, all tied together by strings. Red looks puzzled.}''

RED GREEN: Oy! {brightens up} Oh! {chuckles; holds up a nail} This should do it.

''{Red places the nail on the edge of the trunk. Suddenly, the back end of the car suddenly falls down on the ground with a thud, pinning down the car and the hitch and lifting up the back end of the Possum Van in mid-air, in a towing position. Red wipes his hands together.}''

RED GREEN: And that's got her! So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {walks over to car's driver's seat door; opens door} And now if you'll excuse me, I really must be towing.

''{Red gets into the car and closes the door. Suddenly, as he starts up the car, the nail rolls off the edge of the car trunk and falls on the ground. The Possum Van falls back down on the ground and the back end of the car tips up slightly. The car's back wheels spin wildly, but to no avail. Red tries to rev up the engine, but the car isn't moving.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Want to talk to you older guys about something that women do better than us, other than shave their legs, and that is talk. You know, when a guy gets mad, his vocabulary will shift down to the four-letter words: dang, shucks, gosh. You know, and it's even worse when kids aren't around. But when a woman gets ticked off, man, she comes up with expressions and phrases that would put Shakespeare to shame. Now, scientists tell us that women actually have more space in their brain for verbal skills. But guys, I got the great equalizer; two words that will stop any argument cold in its tracks: "Yes, dear". Oh, yeah, she says a sentence that kinda goes up at the end, two out of three times, "Yes, dear" is the perfect answer. Or you get a long pause... {pauses} in a conversation, you just drop "Yes, dear" right in there. But listen, never use "Yes, dear" if her sentence starts, "You know what your problem is?". {points at camera deliberately} Now, I know some guys prefer total silence as a response, but I don't recommend it, because to have total silence, you have to be all alone, and that's exactly what happens. So "Yes, dear" is bad enough in person. It's much worse over the phone and a lot more expensive through your lawyer. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{Harold tunes his switcher while Red enters the lodge holding two bicycle wheels.}

RED GREEN: Here's a tip for you racing guys out there: when you go into a soapbox derby, get the biggest wheels you can get. I'll tell ya, Moose Thompson, he used grocery cart wheels, y'know? {shakes his head} They got so hot, they burned all the hair off his legs. Luckily, his natural bodily functions put out the fire before it spread to his back. {nods; holds up bike wheels} So I'm gonna use bicycle wheels on mine.

HAROLD GREEN: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Just because you're in, you know, the big guy little guy club doesn't mean you get to be in the derby right away. You have to have a little guy, you know, and so far, no kid in the Possum Lake area wants to be with ya.

RED GREEN: Well, how come, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know, they– they– someone said, y'know, that you're too bossy and you don't think and you don't listen and do dangerous stuff.

RED GREEN: Who told them that?

HAROLD GREEN: {hangs his head, then looks up} That's not the point, really.

RED GREEN: Well... C'mon, Harold, there's gotta be some kid that would do it here. You know what we'll do? We'll sweeten the pot a little bit. Let the guy join the lodge and he can fix the boats, wash the cars... Kids love doing that kinda thing. {smiles, nods}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, how about spending a little time with the little guy, huh? Maybe do things that he's interested in, like, y'know, like playing sports or going to rock concerts.

RED GREEN: {shakes his head in frustration} Now, Harold, you know, when I was a kid, I had to do whatever the adults wanted. Now that I'm an adult, you want me to do what the kids want? Forget about it! You're not changing the rules on me now, buddy!

HAROLD GREEN: {shrugs} I'm sorry, Uncle Red, but you have to have a little guy to be in the derby.

RED GREEN: All right, I'll tell you what, I'll pay him ten bucks.

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, ten bucks might not do it.

RED GREEN: Well, I'll pay more if he'll take a check.

{Red turns and leaves, as Harold plays his switcher to trigger the next scene.}

Visit With Sparky Hoover
{Red walks past a school bus up to a tall broadcasting tower.}

RED GREEN: This is the only radio station in the whole Possum Lake area, owned, operated, hosted, built and partially paid for by Sparky Hoover. {walks up to Sparky Hoover operating some radio equipment} He lets the lodge advertise for free and that's why we're here. {to Sparky} So, how's it going, Spark– {Sparky shushes Red} Sorry, sorry.

''{Sparky removes a phonograph needle from a record on the table. He then leans over a microphone.}''

SPARKY HOOVER: {low voice} And that was Smoochy and the Wet Ones singing, "I've Never Seen a Girl With One of Those". {types on a typewriter; different, more dramatic voice} And now for the Hoover Report, where your host Sparky Hoover tackles the top political and controversial issues of the day! Joining Sparky today is Red Green, local lodge leader and a bit of an oddball, but at least he's not "one of them"! Sparky? {different, more cheerful voice} Uh, yeah! Yeah, thanks a lot, Jason! And hello to Red Green! Uh, how are ya?

RED GREEN: {uncertain} Well, I'm... a little confused, I guess, Sparky. {looks at school bus off-screen} How's the– How's the school bus driving going anyway?

SPARKY HOOVER: {waving dismissively} Oh, yeah, that. It's, uh, it's fun. Yeah, mainly, uh, it keeps them from gettin' me! You know, they'd never blow up a busload of kids just to get to me. {turns to camera} Fight the power!

''{Red points to the school bus again. Some of the windows are open. A young boy leans his head out one of the open bus windows.}''

RED GREEN: Uh, how do you explain that there, uh, Sparky? {laughs} Maybe it's time to clean the rear-view mirror, what do you think, huh? {laughs again}

SPARKY HOOVER: Uh, yeah, well, uh... {sees boy in bus} Oh, yeah, yeah, that's Brian.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah.

SPARKY HOOVER: Yeah, Brian. {Red waves to Brian} Uh, I didn't have time to take him home and... I'll do it later!

RED GREEN: All right...

SPARKY HOOVER: Right now, I've got the show to do. You know, Red, this isn't just radio, it's ham radio!

RED GREEN: That's a marriage made in heaven, I would think.

SPARKY HOOVER: Yeah. All right, all you ham operators out there! I want you to join us on the air, hit your top buttons, and let's rap about politics and whatnot! Uh, yeah, let's talk about the number-one issue that plagues us all: UFOs!

MAN ON RADIO SPEAKERS: Uh, Sparky?

SPARKY HOOVER: Yeah, this is Sparky.

MAN ON RADIO SPEAKERS: Sparky, could you turn your signal down? I'm– I'm– I'm getting your show on my fillings! And your– your tower just microwaved my cow! Oh, and by the way, Sparky, um, could– could you bring Brian home? He's got father and son chess club tonight.

SPARKY HOOVER: {to Red, softly} Uh, it's the C.I.A. {loudly} A trick to get me off the air!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah?

SPARKY HOOVER: Uh, just act normal.

RED GREEN: You can do that?

Red's Advice To Teenagers
''{Red is outside the lodge, wearing a yellow slicker. He bends over a snowplow blade attached to a pickup truck in an open garage.}''

RED GREEN: {standing upright} I want to talk to you teenagers who've played the video games and the computer games, because you may be ready for the ultimate 3D experience. {holds up his arms} It's called reality. Huh? Reality comes with its own hardware. {taps pickup truck hood} And software. {taps snowplow; starts walking} And it's fully compatible with you. {wipes hands together; walks into garage} Now, see, the idea of the game is, {shakes hands around} you work yourself around this place called Earth, hoping that you don't screw up so bad that you embarrass yourself or your friends. Take it from me, it's a lot harder than it sounds. {looks at a green riding mower in garage} Anyway, I thought I'd give you a few tips, maybe help you get to the advanced levels, all right? {walks on} You know all those video characters in the video games, when they get blown to bits, they just kinda bounce right back? {holds up index finger} You don't want to be trying that in reality. {nods} Makes for a short game. {walks up to another snowplow blade attached to another pickup truck} And you know on the video games there, it's easy to recognize the bad guys? {picks up a crowbar} Well, see, now, in reality, sometimes, the bad guys are good and the good guys are bad. So don't be shooting, stabbing or laser-blasting anybody, because you might need their help before the game's over. And of course, now, you can– you can save the video games, can't ya? Try again. Reality doesn't have a save button. Although it does have a little wrinkle called consequences. {walks back over to first snowplow} Reality's a good game. You might want to try it sometime, {bends down in front of snowplow blade} but let me warn ya: it's expensive. {places crowbar over blade}