Water Tower/Transcript

The complete transcript for Water Tower

Intro
''{"The Red Green Show" intro starts playing as the characters are introduced. After we introduce the characters, there are a few scenes from the show, and then, we cut to an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshot holes appear in the screen, then one last gunshot hole shatters the screen outward.}''

''{The camera pans through a cluttered hallway inside the Lodge, on its way to the main lobby. During this time, Harold is heard introducing the show.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And now it's time for the man who is known to millions as my uncle, the rustic star of "The Red Green Show"... Haw! There's a big hit there, that one... and a heck of a human being, considering all he's been through in his life, with the car accidents alone. Anyway, he's... Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, old people and Siamese twins... I think I pretty much got everybody there... please welcome Red Green!

''{By now, the camera has reached the lobby. Red enters through the front door, waving to the audience, who applauds. Harold gives a thumbs-up to him.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much, Harold, and, uh, {to audience} thank you for tuning us in. We've got a heck of a show for you this week. Uh, well, actually, it's probably within five or ten percent of last week's show, but we certainly appreciate your patience. We, uh, got a heck of a set, too, up at the lodge this week. {stops abruptly and turns to Harold} You gonna interrupt me?

HAROLD GREEN: Sorry? Sorry, Uncle Red? I was ju– I was just making mental crossword puzzles. W-What's a three-letter word for "shoehorn"?

RED GREEN: {turns back to camera} Uh, h-he usually interrupts me. Okay, anyhow, uh, the water pump broke down at the lodge, and none of us wanted to go under the lodge and fix it, so uh, Stinky Peterson got the idea we should, uh... we should build a water tower, you know? And not just a water tower on the roof, but maybe up into the trees, on the ridge, so we can, you know, really get a lot of, uh, a lot of power and juice and a lot of torque and pull and... {waves Harold over} C'mon over here a minute, Harold. {turns back to camera as Harold walks up} I'm sorry, but Harold, he usually interrupts my stories and throws me right off, and he's got this machine here...

{He gestures toward Harold's switcher and pushes some keys on the keyboard, causing the camera to shake the scene around, against a backdrop of a sunset.}

RED GREEN: ...and it does like that kind of thing and takes us into the next segment and then just... That really throws me off.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, not today, Uncle Red. Today, I'm just your director and your nephew. I promise I'm not gonna interrupt you, I'm not gonna bother you, I'm not gonna break the flow from any part of you, I'm not gonna bring up film clips, nothin'! Haw! Just be standing here quietly. Only if things get really, really boring would I ever touch these buttons.

RED GREEN: Oh, thank you, Harold, I appreciate that.

{Suddenly, however, Harold plays his switcher to trigger the next segment.}

HAROLD GREEN: You're welcome.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Late in the evening,
 * When the fire's almost out,
 * The boys start comparing,
 * And you know what that's about.
 * Who's bigger and who's stronger
 * And on and on it goes
 * To the biggest test of all:
 * Who has the oldest clothes?
 * Who has the oldest clothes?
 * Who has the oldest clothes?
 * Can't tell with your eyes,
 * You can always use your nose.
 * Stinky has a pair of socks
 * Older than his son.
 * Buster has a vest he says he got
 * From the grave of Attila the Hun.
 * When people see our wardrobe,
 * They often wonder why.
 * It's not that we like old clothes so much,
 * It's just that we prefer wearing things that our wives didn't buy.

Handyman Corner
''{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. Red stands outside the lodge, next to a red car.}''

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you something that you can do with your old car. You know, uh, this is an old car, but, uh, there's still something about it that gets my heart pounding. Uh, I think it's the lack of brakes. You know, uh, we all got to go sometime, and frankly, I'd rather– I'd rather go with some kind of a head-on into the guardrail, rather than spend my declining years in a retirement home or something. I don't know how I got off on that. You know, that's the trouble. I get started, and then I go off on a crazy analogy. And that's the way I am with the car, too. I-I-I got the car, and I just can't leave well enough alone with it. And what I wanted to do today was, uh, I wanted to turn this door and the other door into, uh... into the gullwing. You know the gull wing door type of style, which they had on the old Mercedes, I believe, and the Bricklin had the gullwing, and I think... I believe gulls have them. Not sure on that one. Anyway, first thing you got to do is, uh, {opens driver's side front door} you got to remove the door, which is not as easy as it sounds.

''{Red takes out a sledgehammer sitting on the driver's seat. He then starts to take a swing at the open front door, but accidentally hits the roof instead, putting a huge hole in it. Red sees what he's done.}''

RED GREEN: Uh, all right. Well, what I've– what I've done here is I've, uh, poked a little hole in the– in the roof, but, uh, I'm gonna need that for later, so that's actually a timesaver. {turns to door} Okay...

''{Red starts gently hitting the car door hinges with the sledgehammer. It doesn't appear to work, however. He next tries hitting the door itself.}''

RED GREEN: By golly, this is really on– on there.

''{Red tries to hit the door a few more times, but still doesn't appear to making any headway. He then gets an idea.}''

RED GREEN: Uh, there is a better way...

''{Red walks off and starts up the Possum Van offscreen. It comes up to the open door of the car and hits it, knocking it off its hinge onto the ground. Wipe to a later scene. Red walks up to the car door, now torn off its hinge.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, where there's a van, there's a way. {picks up door} Now all I got to do is, get this unit up here, put her on here. {places car door over open car area} Now, what I... {drops door} What I have to do is create a hinge now, uh, through our– through our pre-drilled hole. And I'm gonna use the handyman secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Red picks up the door again and tries to place it over the open area, but struggles to keep it there as it slips out of his hands. Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the door to the car through the hole in the roof. It is covered in several layers of duct tape, several rolls of which are stacked on the roof, off to the side.}''

RED GREEN: And you want to put on, uh, two or three layers of duct tape on this, uh, just so you're street legal. You know, you don't want the cops pulling you over. And, uh, you want it secure there, 'cause there's nothing more inconvenient than having to pull off the highway and go back and get your door. Anyway, I think that's, uh, pretty secure there. We got enough tape for the other door, so, uh, now I got to go and hook up the mechanism that will actually open the gull wing door. Getting exciting, isn't it?

''{Red walks off. Wipe to a later scene. A lifting mechanism has been added to the door and the punctured roof.}''

RED GREEN: Now, there you have it. If that doesn't scream "Italian", then, uh, you're not listening. Uh, what I done was, I got a garage door opener there, and I got it from my neighbor's place while they were out. And, uh, I ran the chain from the door opener, so it's mounted on the seat. I ran the chain up through and hooked her onto the door, and the duct tape here will just hold her, and then I got the wireless remote for the garage door opener. I walk up to my car, and I just feel like Marcello Mastro– Mastru– You know. Uh, so anyway, until next time, remember: if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Let's give our gullwing door a shot.

''{Red pushes a button on the remote. The mechanism comes to life, pulling on the chain and the hook. It lifts the gullwing door into the air, metal creaking as it does. Once the door has fully lifted, allowing an open space for Red to climb in, he climbs into the car and waves to the camera.}''

Commercial bumper
{Red and Harold stand in the lodge, looking directly into the camera.}

RED GREEN: We'll be right back with, uh, more features and more from our regular guests.

HAROLD GREEN: And wait till you hear the ending of the water tower story.

RED GREEN: Oh, we may not have time.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I'm the director. We'll find time.

The Harder the Fall
''{Red is buried in a pile of leaves by the edge of the lake. He opens a book and reads from it.}''

RED GREEN: It is autumn. The squirrel is fat for the coming winter. The bears are plump as they ready for hibernation. The muskrat, the porcupine, the raccoon are roly-poly to see them through their long winter sleep. What's your excuse?

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: So, uh, anyway, we were getting into this– building this water tower thing, and, uh, we didn't want to make it out of wood or metal. We thought we'd just get a gigantic plastic bag and then string it between some of the trees, and then it would funnel the water down to the lodge. And, uh, of course, the problem is, where are you gonna find a plastic bag ninety feet by ninety feet that'll hold fifteen tons of water without ripping? Now, luckily, Moose Thompson had one in his van. {pauses awkwardly, then turns to Harold} You're gonna interrupt me, aren't you?

HAROLD GREEN: No. I want the people to hear this story, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: No, you don't.

HAROLD GREEN: Yes, I do! I really do! Honest Injuns. Stamp on it. Cherry on top. Superman says so. On a stack of bibles.

RED GREEN: You think the story is stupid. You think what we did was stupid.

HAROLD GREEN: That's true.

RED GREEN: Well, then why do you want me to tell the story?

HAROLD GREEN: Well... Well, uh, to be honest with you, I've been getting a lot of negative feedback from our viewers. Well, okay, {steps up close to Red} mostly from men from around here, but they all say, "How come– How come you always interrupt Red's stories when he's telling a story? How come you do that?" And I'll say, "Well, uh, because, that's why." And they say, "well, let him finish one one time, see if it's good." I figure, haw, okay. You finish one of your stories. And then people will know why I interrupt you. {Red looks away, feeling uncomfortable} You go ahead, you go ahead, you tell one of your stories about what you and your friends did. Go ahead. {points to camera} Right in there. Tell them.

''{Harold laughs. Suddenly, Red, feeling awkward about this, reaches out and plays Harold's switcher to segue into another scene of the show.}''

Visit With Bob Stuyvesant
''{Bob is out golfing as usual. His caddy cart is behind him. He walks over to the edge of the rough, where his golf ball had landed. He picks up the ball and looks behind him to make sure no one is there, then nonchalantly tosses the ball away. Suddenly, Red walks up, waving, startling Bob.}''

BOB STUYVESANT: What? I didn't throw it! Uh, I didn't even see it. It was still rolling.

RED GREEN: What are you talking about?

BOB STUYVESANT: Raccoons. All over the place. Uh, what can I do for you, Red? Uh, you want to play through? Is that it?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, uh, Bob, I, uh... {he and Bob walk along together, up to the golf ball} I cut down a tree, uh, at the lodge...

BOB STUYVESANT: Oh, yeah...

RED GREEN: ...and Harold says the government's gonna, y'know, audit me, rip out my fingernails or send me to prison or something.

BOB STUYVESANT: Mmm...

RED GREEN: And I thought, since you're with the natural resources people and you're a lodge member, maybe you could kinda straighten things out for me.

BOB STUYVESANT: Well, that's okay. Sure, Red. I'll do that.

RED GREEN: Oh, great, great.

BOB STUYVESANT: Except I'm working right now.

RED GREEN: Oh.

BOB STUYVESANT: Yeah, t-this is government work.

RED GREEN: Really?

BOB STUYVESANT: Oh, yeah. I'm, uh... I'm marking trees.

RED GREEN: Oh, really?

BOB STUYVESANT: {gesturing toward a tree behind them} Yeah, yeah, you see that tree over there? See that little mark on there? See that?

RED GREEN: {seeing where Bob is gesturing} Oh, yeah. Yeah.

BOB STUYVESANT: Yeah, I did that.

RED GREEN: Oh.

BOB STUYVESANT: That takes a lot of time and concentration.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

BOB STUYVESANT: I find, uh, golf helps me with that.

RED GREEN: Oh.

BOB STUYVESANT: Yeah.

RED GREEN: Well, now, the tree I cut, it was a beech tree, Bob...

BOB STUYVESANT: Mm-hmm...

RED GREEN: ...and I swear it was no more than six inches in diameter, and it come down real easy, you know, so...

BOB STUYVESANT: Mm-hmm. Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

RED GREEN: Oh.

BOB STUYVESANT: No, you know, the government, they're not too concerned with one tree.

RED GREEN: Oh.

BOB STUYVESANT: It's not like you, uh, flattened a whole forest. You didn't do that, did you, flatten a whole forest?

RED GREEN: No.

BOB STUYVESANT: Well, there you go. {chuckles} See, that's the secret...

RED GREEN: Yeah.

BOB STUYVESANT: Moderation.

RED GREEN: All right.

BOB STUYVESANT: It's much like golf.

RED GREEN: Ah.

BOB STUYVESANT: Well, I-I play about, oh, four or five rounds of golf a week.

RED GREEN: Really?

BOB STUYVESANT: Well, maybe... maybe about eight or nine rounds of golf a week. But you know, if I don't watch it, I could play as much golf as I wanted, and it could become a real problem.

RED GREEN: Sure.

BOB STUYVESANT: Oh, yeah.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

BOB STUYVESANT: Or is it... ten or twelve rounds? Well, I don't know. {winds up to hit golf ball with club} I don't keep count. {looks offscreen} Fore! {hits the golf ball with the club, and it sails away} Oh! {the ball is heard hitting water with a splash} Dammit! {turns to Red} Head down!

RED GREEN: Yeah...

BOB STUYVESANT: That's the whole thing, you know: head ''down! {points to his face, then to the ground} This thing down!''

RED GREEN: {pointing offscreen} Look there...

BOB STUYVESANT: It's all part of the game, you know.

RED GREEN: {still pointing} Went right into the... right into the water there. Did you see that?

BOB STUYVESANT: Oh.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

BOB STUYVESANT: Geez.

RED GREEN: Is that good?

BOB STUYVESANT: No, no, that's not good. Well, it's good for the balls; they wash them off. But, uh, it's head down. {puts golf club in caddy} That's the whole thing, you know? Got to keep your head down. {takes out a can of spray paint from caddy, opens it and shakes it up} It's important. Got to do some government work. {takes out golf club again}

RED GREEN: Oh.

BOB STUYVESANT: {walks over to a tree} I'm sorry about that.

RED GREEN: No, it's all right.

BOB STUYVESANT: Head down.

RED GREEN: Are you all right, Bob?

BOB STUYVESANT: Hmm? {sprays paint on tree}

RED GREEN: You all right?

BOB STUYVESANT: {clearly agitated} Oh, I'm fine! No problem. Head down.

RED GREEN: Seems a little bit upset there.

BOB STUYVESANT: No, are you kidding?

RED GREEN: No.

BOB STUYVESANT: Head down!

{Bob whacks the tree repeatedly while speaking below.}

RED GREEN: Bob?

BOB STUYVESANT: Head down!

RED GREEN: Bob?

BOB STUYVESANT: Head down!

{The message "Stay Tuned" appears on the screen.}

RED GREEN: Bob!

BOB STUYVESANT: Head down!

RED GREEN: Bob!

BOB STUYVESANT: Head down!

RED GREEN: Bob!

BOB STUYVESANT: Head down!

RED GREEN: Bob!

BOB STUYVESANT: Head down!

RED GREEN: Bob!

Red's Campfire Song 2
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Flies in the sugar bowl, two by two.
 * What an unusual thing to do.
 * Not the flies, but the two by two.
 * You don't often see insects in formation.

Male Call
''{Harold is sitting in another room in the lodge, holding a letter. Red enters. Harold sees him and laughs.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, we got some fun letters today! This one's great. This is from a viewer! I think– I think he's a real kidder, you know? More like a teaser. {giggles}

RED GREEN: Just read the letter, Harold, all right?

HAROLD GREEN: I was born ready. {reads} "Dear Red..." {gestures toward Red briefly} "...are there any explosives "that can be made from a cake mix? This is for a surprise party, so please refer to me by the name 'Ralph', rather than my real name, which is also Ralf, but spelled with an 'F'."

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, uh, as the proctologist said to the jockey, "We're getting into a sensitive area here." I'm really kind of reluctant to, uh, talk about explosives on the air, you know.

HAROLD GREEN: No, Uncle Red, I don't think the viewer meant it that way. He just wants an explosive effect from his cake, you know? Something that you just won't have to stir nitroglycerine in with his recipe. Something like that. At least, that's how I read it.

RED GREEN: Well, you know, okay, Harold, but there are a lot of explosives that can be made with things you find right in your kitchen.

HAROLD GREEN: Our kitchen or anybody's kitchen?

RED GREEN: No, I mean anybody's kitchen.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah? I didn't know that.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, it's just a matter of, you know, mixing the various baking goods in a certain proportion. I've seen a bran muffin take out a whole septic system.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Well, maybe we should answer this viewer by mail, 'cause we don't want this information getting into the wrong hands. You know, like a terrorist baker or something.

RED GREEN: Maybe what I should do is just, uh, invite him up here and get Old Man Sedgewick to show him. Uh, he makes a birthday cake that blows out its own candles.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh! Well, that's great! Would he charge the viewer for that? I wouldn't imagine it would be too expensive or nothing.

RED GREEN: No. Might cost him a couple eyebrows.

HAROLD GREEN: That's not bad.

Endless Summer
''{Red sits on a bench on a hot summer day. He reads from a book.}''

RED GREEN: It is summer. Nine nut balls race up the lake on those noisy boats that look like snowmobiles. What do they call them? Sea mobiles? Water sleds? Surf skis? What are they called? They need to know for the coroner's report.

Conversations With Harold
{Outside the lodge, Harold sits in an Adirondack chair while Red holds a chainsaw over a log.}

RED GREEN: You're kidding me, aren't you, Harold? {Harold shakes his head} Inflatable shoes?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! They're called pumps. Y-You got to– You pump them up. They're like– They're like sneakers or running shoes, you know. They're for people who like to play sports or, you know, just people who like to look like they play sports. You pump them up. They don't get real big or something, Uncle Red. They're not like air mattresses. They just ensure a proper, snug fit.

RED GREEN: Well, why don't you just buy the right size in the first place? {pulls on cord of chainsaw to start it, to no avail}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, that's– I don't know, you could... Well, see, you could do that, but where's the marketing scheme in that? You see? I mean, whereas with these, {makes "air quotes} "the pump"... It's just something new. It's just something new. That's all it is. And,you know, they cost twice as much as regular shoes.

RED GREEN: {incredulously} Twice as much?!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah!

RED GREEN: How come?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know, inflation! {laughs}

Commercial bumper
{Red and Harold stand in the lodge, looking directly into the camera.}

RED GREEN: Well, we're gonna come right back and, uh, finish off the show with a lot of special stuff, so stay tuned.

HAROLD GREEN: And stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of the water tower story!

RED GREEN: I forgot it.

HAROLD GREEN: I don't.

Red's Teen Talk
{Red walks around outside the lodge in a yellow slicker.}

RED GREEN: If any of you, uh, have any teenagers, uh, in the house, you might want to videotape this part so that, uh, you can erase it later. I'm gonna talk about what they call, uh, free love. Now, I'm not saying what's right and what's wrong, but, uh, golly, you know, it's a... it's a bad thing. So, uh, all you teenage girls there in particular, uh... uh, whenever you get a request from a boy of the opposite sex along the free love line, I'm asking you to just say no. Uh, that's only fair to those of us from an older generation who grew up when things were real uptight and celibate and celibacy and so on; you weren't allowed to do anything. So we don't enjoy you being allowed to enjoy things that we weren't allowed to enjoy. It's just... It's not enjoyable. I think just to say no in the interest of fo– fair play. I don't... {holds up both hands} I know, I can't tell you what to do. All right, you do whatever you want to do. {holds up index finger} But I'll tell you one thing: up at the lodge, our attitude towards free love is... {clears throat} you get what you pay for.

Plot Segment 3
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Ohhh!

Okay, it's just a game!

It's just a game!

Right, red? Is it a game?!

Uh, yeah.

Breathe deep.

Breathe deep, bob, put down.

Bob?

Huh?

Uh, so this, uh, the thing with

the tree and the government,

so I'm not gonna be

in any kind of trouble there

with the tree thing?

Oh, right.

No. No.

You, uh, you play golf,

red, or --

no, I'm --

I'm pretty relaxed already.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Well, you should try it.

It's a great game.

Yeah, well --

yes, sirree. Great game.

I don't know

if I'd be --

you know what?

Why don't you take a shot?

No, no.

No, thank you. No.

It's, uh, no, no.

No, it's easy!

Go on, take a shot.

I got to get back

to the lodge,

you know,

and the guys will be waiting.

Take a shot.

Yeah, all right.

No problem.

Just go ahead?

Oh, yeah.

Now you're having fun, huh?

You having fun, buddy?

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah,

keep your head down.

Fore!

So, uh, I'm not

in any trouble at all, then, eh?

So, just --

I'm not gonna worry about it.

I say harold's

blowing smoke,

and everything's

gonna be just fine.

Look at that!

Would you look at that?

Yeah.

Your head was down.

That was the whole key.

Okay.

I -- you know, red,

I would love to play

a few rounds of golf with you.

Well, golf's not really my game,

you know, bob.

I don't think.

Oh, it's not?

I don't think so. No.

Gee, that's too bad.

So, tell me

something, red.

How old was that tree

that you cut down?

Didn't have a mark on it,

did it?

It was a mark

for cutting?

You didn't get, uh,

you didn't get approval to --

well, you know, it's funny --

you're just talking there,

and it suddenly

occurred to me

I think I could free up

next Tuesday

if you wanted to have

a game of golf.

Wonderful. Great.

Well, we tee off at 6:30

in the morning

and 1:00 in the afternoon.

6:30 and 1:00.

Mm-hmm.

Two rounds.

Oh, yeah.

Well,

I'm gonna go rest up.

All right, and I'm gonna

get another club.

I'll see you on Tuesday.

On Tuesday! You bet!

Don't worry.

I've got lots of these clubs,

lots of these babies.

Enough for me?

For both of us.

All right.

All right, see you then!

Okay.

Fabulous.

[ chuckles ]

fore!

Ohh!

Well, anyway,

that just about does it

for this, uh, this week.

So, uh, if my wife is watching,

I'm coming

straight home tonight,

and I'll warm my toes

before I get into bed.

And as for the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching,

and on behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang here

at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

Uncle red, what about

the water-tower story?

Finish

the water-tower story.

Well, we don't have time

for that this week, harold.

Wa-a-a. You folks

should have seen. It was great.

They got this huge, black,

giant plastic bag, right?

And they put it up

between two trees.

You know what happened then?

It started to rain.

Just, like, it poured for, like,

two or three days, right.

And the bag fills up.

And you know what?

The trees started

to bend like this.

They were all hunched over

worse than old man sedgwick.

[ laughs ]

and then you know

what happened then -- nothing.

No water was coming out

the bottom or nothing

like they had planned.

You know why?

Wa-a-a-a!

They forgot to put

a hose in it!

Yeah.

So stinky peterson -- he's the

brains of the group, right --

he gets this idea.

He figures, hey,

let's throw a lawn dart at it!

[ laughs ]

now, for those of you

who don't know the word "flood,"

this is what happened.

We lost all the trees,

four outbuildings,

and 3 inches of topsoil.

[ laughs ]

see, uncle red,

it was a good story.