The Beaver Dam/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Beaver Dam

Opening Scene
{Red stands behind a picket fence gate door with a latch on the other side.}

RED GREEN: You know, one of the signs of a true handyman is to figure out how something works and then be able to use that same technology in an entirely new application. For example, this gate. {opens gate and walks through it} I got a spring and I got a latch. {goes over to an eaves-trough full of leaves above a barrel} Now, I know what you're thinking: "How is he gonna use a spring and a latch?" or "How did he get so smart?" or "Why does he walk like that?"

{He holds a string attached to a gate latch attached to the trough.}

RED GREEN: Well, here's your answer. This rope operates the latch, which I got attached to this end of my eaves-trough. {points at other end of eaves-trough with a gate spring on it} I attached the spring way down at the other end of my eaves-trough. Now, if you're sittin' there, baffled, think about somethin' you have to do every year once the leaves fall off all the trees. No, no, not move to Florida. I'm talkin' about cleaning out your eaves-troughs.

''{Red pulls on the string, lifting up the latch. The eaves-trough full of leaves tips down into the barrel. The leaves fall down the trough into the barrel. Then the trough swings back up onto the latch.}''

Intro
''{Red enters the Lodge, waving. The audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you, all right. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Kind of an odd problem up at the Lodge this week. The water in Possum Lake is real high and gettin' higher. It's goin' up about, uh, a foot a day. Mind you, the Lodge never looked better with so much of our crap underwater.

{Mike and Ed enter the Lodge hurriedly.}

MIKE HAMAR: Hey, Mr. Green, we found out what's makin' the lake rise!

ED FRID: There's a big animal infestation problem, Red.

RED GREEN: How can animal infestation make the lake go up, unless they all have serious bladder problems?

MIKE HAMAR: No, they built a big dam across the end of the lake.

ED FRID: That's right! Darn squirrels!

MIKE HAMAR: {to Ed} It's beavers!

ED FRID: No, the beavers have the long, narrow tails and the fangs and, uh, the big hump on the back! At least they do up at the nuclear plant.

MIKE HAMAR: You wouldn't know a beaver if it bit your butt.

ED FRID: I did so!

MIKE HAMAR: See, it's beavers, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: All right...

MIKE HAMAR: They built this big dam so the water can't get out.

RED GREEN: Well, Ed, surely you can just go down there and take the dam apart, can't ya?

ED FRID: I suppose I could if I'd lost my MIND! RED! Those are very dangerous animals!

RED GREEN: They don't actually bite, do they?

ED FRID: No, they gnaw! All the pain of biting, but very, very slow.

RED GREEN: Well, something's gotta be done, that's for sure.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, while they're out gatherin' their trees and their branches during the day, we can break in and take the dam apart without them botherin' us.

ED FRID: Well, they might not be in there, Mike, but they hang around. They lurk, with their big teeth... just lurking and waiting for you to make one slip, then they jump on you and gnaw your face off! But slowly! Very slowly.

RED GREEN: Come on, Ed, this is Canada's national emblem you're talkin' about.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, Canadians are very proud of the beaver.

ED FRID: Not that proud. It's only on the nickel.

RED GREEN: Okay, you know what? I'm guessing that any animal we've chosen to represent Canada will let us just walk in there and take its home, as long as we call it free trade.

{Red, Ed and Mike all laugh.}

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah?

RED GREEN: Yeah!

{They turn and leave the Lodge.}

MIKE HAMAR: That's a good one.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

{The camera pulls back to reveal Winston standing behind the card table where Red and Ed are seated.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {holding up a gift certificate} Today's winner will receive a gift certificate for a free entree at Felicia's Fondue Palace, home of the world's only blindfolded fondue. Uh, Felicia's regrets that they are not responsible for any superficial face wounds. {to Ed} Okay, Ed, cover your ears. {Ed does so} Red, you have thirty seconds to get Ed Frid here to say this word... {holds up sign displaying the word, which is...} Courage. Courage.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {setting sign down on table} And go!

RED GREEN: Okay, Ed, this is something that you have that gives you confidence.

ED FRID: Electric cattle prod.

RED GREEN: No, okay, people who do dangerous things without even thinking about the risk have this.

ED FRID: A wild sex life!

RED GREEN: No, okay, no. This is something you call on when you know you should get back on the horse.

ED FRID: Oh, a gentler horse.

RED GREEN: Okay, a person who works with large, dangerous animals requires plenty of...

ED FRID: ...medical attention.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You're almost out of time, Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, I know. {snaps fingers} Okay, Ed, if you stick your head inside a lion's mouth, that takes a lot of...

ED FRID: {disgusted} ...breath mints.

RED GREEN: Come on, I'm talking about bravery!

ED FRID: Bravery kills! We don't encourage that.

RED GREEN: There we go! {rings bell to end game} There we go! {Winston gives Ed the certificate}

Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services
''{Winston steps up to a microphone on a stage in a theater. The screen displays the text, "Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services".}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {into microphone} I'm not a construction worker or a fisherman.

{The screen now displays a picture of an outhouse.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I don't live in the basement of an outhouse. {screen displays a goldfish, a frog and a hamster, in that order} I can't bring back your pet goldfish, frog or hamster. Actually, when I get to him, you wouldn't want him anyway. {screen displays a septic truck} I operate a state-of-the-art septic removal vehicle... {screen displays a honeybee} ...not a honey wagon. {screen displays a jug of drain cleaner next to a drain} I believe an ounce of prevention is worth... {screen displays two men removing sewage} ...3,000 gallons of cure. {screen displays a snake hose} I work with a snake... {screen displays garter snake} ...not a snake! {screen displays a bald-headed man in a suit} Dad, if God had meant for me to be a lawyer, He would've given me more brains and a way better sense of smell.

''{The screen now displays Winston standing outside a building, wearing a graduate's cap over his helmet, and a diploma in his hand. A sign on the building reads, "Congratulations, graduates, Big Ed's Polyseptic Institute, class of '80".}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I'm Winston Rothschild, III, and I suck sewage! Thank you.

{Winston steps off the stage.}

Handyman Corner
''{Red stands outside next to the Possum Van, struggling to blow up an inflatable toy. Several deflated toys lie scattered on the ground.}''

RED GREEN: If you have kids in your family, they're eventually gonna come to you with a toy wantin' you to blow it up, and they mean in a good way. {drops toy} You don't wanna be doing that by hand. You could cough up a lung or hyperventilate. You don't want your kids seeing you all dizzy and passin' out this far from New Year's. So this time on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you a quick, easy, effortless way to blow up all these toys.

{Red reaches into the van and pulls out some rubber hose, a tent and a flute.}

RED GREEN: All you need is some rubber hose, an old tent and a flute. Okay, first thing you gotta do is make the tent airtight, which is dangerous if you're campin' with any of the guys up here. We're not gonna be sleeping in this tent.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has covered the tent in red and white checkered cloth and duct-taped them together. A long hose sticks out of the tent.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, I made my tent airtight by laying on the old tablecloths and raincoats on there, and whatever little gap I had, I just filled up with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {goes over to exhaust pipe, to which the other end of the pipe is attached} Now, to fill up the tent, we're gonna use the magic of the internal combustion engine. See, I'm running the exhaust from the Possum Van straight into the tent. {climbs into van} That should fill her up in no time. I wouldn't recommend doing this with a tent you ever plan to use again, 'cause you sleep a long, long time when you're that exhausted.

''{Red chuckles and starts the van, whose exhaust fills up and inflates the tent. Wipe to a later scene. Red removes the large hose from the now-inflated tent.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, that's done. And while I was waiting for the tent to fill up with exhaust, {holds up rubber hose now attached to tent} I hooked up an output hose from my tent through this distribution center. {holds up "distribution center", the flute with hoses sticking out of all the finger holes} Now, I call it a distribution center; the non-handyman type might call that a flute. Then I've run other hoses out of the finger holes into each of my inflatable toys. All I have to do is figure out a way to squeeze the exhaust out of the tent through my fluted distribution center, and my work here is done. {goes over to a long, wide wooden piece of plywood} And to help me squeeze the tent, as we used to say in high school, all I need is a couple pieces of plywood to lay on top of it as a ramp.

''{Red picks up the plywood and drags it offscreen. Wipe to a later scene. Several pieces of plywood attached to each other by duct tape are placed on the inflated tent as a ramp. Red drives the Possum Van up the ramp and onto the tent. The van weighs down on the tent, which in turn causes the exhaust to run out of the tent through the hose and inflate all of the hose-attached deflated toys strewn about the area. Once all the toys are inflated, Red sticks his head out the passenger window of the van and gives a thumbs-up.}''

Midlife
RED GREEN: Wanna talk to all you guys out there who learned your social skills by watching the WWF. I'm bettin' about now your wife is bugging you to get better manners. That's not a big problem. Manners are not very complicated at all. You want to have good manners? Just take something that you wanna do fast and do it slow. Or say the exact opposite of what you mean. In other words, lie through your teeth so you don't lose 'em. But you won't have to do that for long, because society dictates the rules of etiquette, and as society changes, so do the rules. Remember how rude you were as a kid? Look at the kids today. They're ten times worse! Think how bad it's gonna get in twenty years! No matter how rude you are now, if you live long enough, the masses will work their way down to your level. So the next time your wife criticizes you for slurping your soup, you just say, "Honey, I'm not rude, I'm just ahead of my time." But be polite about it; don't say it out loud. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Visit With Dalton Humphrey
''{Red drives the Possum Van up in front of Dalton's house and honks the horn. Dalton pops his head and part of his body out of the front door, looking flustered and waving.}''

ANNE-MARIE HUMPHREY: {offscreen} Who's there, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {calling} Oh, uh, it's nothing, dear, it's Mike and Red, sayin' hello!

ANNE-MARIE HUMPHREY: Aw, I wish you'd make new friends.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, me, too.

{Dalton runs out to the Possum Van, where Red and Mike are seated.}

RED GREEN: C'mon, Dalton, the fish are waiting!

MIKE HAMAR: Yahoo!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {flustered} Look, I need about ten minutes! I gotta do a little finesse with the ife-way!

RED GREEN: You didn't tell her you were goin', did you, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, look, I was gonna!

RED GREEN: Oh...

DALTON HUMPHREY: It's just that with a woman like Anne-Marie, you really gotta pick your spots!

RED GREEN: Same as fishing.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, we had a guy like that in the slammer, eh? If he didn't like ya, he'd stick his fork in your nose. And if he did like ya, he'd stick your fork in his nose.

{Red stares at Mike, then turns back to Dalton.}

RED GREEN: Look, Dalton, if you can't go, just say so.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no! I can go, I can go! Just give me two minutes!

ANNE-MARIE HUMPHREY: {calling from house} Dalton, these dishes aren't gonna wash themselves!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Just two minutes! {runs back into house}

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah...

MIKE HAMAR: Aw, they're so close. It's so nice to see a loving couple like that. You know, my mum never cared where any of my dads were.

RED GREEN: Let's go see if we can speed Dalton up a little bit, Mike, huh?

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, sure!

{Red and Mike get out of the van and head towards the house, but stop when a car suddenly races past them away from the house.}

MIKE HAMAR: Who was that?!

RED GREEN: Well, it looked like Anne-Marie, but... that woman was smiling.

{The men continue toward the house and find Dalton waiting for them.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Okay, let's go. Anne-Marie's got a headache and she's gone off to bed. I'm a free man!

RED GREEN: Okay, Dalton, whatever you say, huh? {they head back to the Possum Van}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, some people are so gullible. They have no idea what's really goin' on! {laughs, while Red and Mike exchange glances}

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the Lodge, wearing a tool belt and holding a hammer.}

RED GREEN: Okay, we've come up with a plan to get rid of the beaver dam. It's hard to get close to it, so we're makin' a raft. We took the top off the ping-pong tables, duct-taped them down on a couple of hot water heaters, and we figure that baby'll float in about two inches of water. We're gettin' real close and takin' it apart. We're havin' a lot of trouble gettin' volunteers, 'cause Ed Frid is goin' all over town, tellin' everybody that his uncle was attacked by beavers. Well, serves him right; he had a wooden leg!

{Dalton enters, holding a spray bottle.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Red? Red, I got just what you need, huh? {sprays the spray in Red's direction; Red cringes} Guess what that is.

RED GREEN: Bad French perfume. I'd say "Eau de Stinky Peterson".

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, it's beaver repellent. Boy, you spray this on, you've seen your last beaver! {chuckles}

RED GREEN: And your last sunrise, I'm guessing.

{Mike enters and runs up to Red.}

MIKE HAMAR: Hey, Mr. Green, I got important news– {stops suddenly and sniffs the air} Ooh, French.

RED GREEN: What's goin' on, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, uh, you remember that one pontoon on the... {to Dalton} Is the right side the port or the starboard?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Starboard.

MIKE HAMAR: {back to Red} Okay, remember that pontoon on the starboard side?

RED GREEN: Is that the right or the left?

MIKE HAMAR: The left.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, now you're talking port.

RED GREEN: {anxious} No, no, just tell us what's wrong with the pontoons!

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, uh, it's not a pontoon.

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, it's a hot water heater. Big deal.

MIKE HAMAR: No, no! Buster Hadfield got it at the Port Asbestos army-navy store. It's not even a hot water heater. It's a torpedo! From World War II!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Y'know, I think I saw that. I wondered why someone would put a warhead on a hot water heater. I thought maybe it's just a way to speed up a teenager in a shower.

RED GREEN: You know, if that torpedo still works, we could send the raft right at the dam and blow the whole thing up with nobody on board!

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah, just like they did in that movie.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, yeah, African Queen; Humphrey Bogart!

RED GREEN: You sure it was Humphrey Bogart? I woulda thought African queen was RuPaul!

''{Red chuckles. Dalton sprays him repeatedly with the beaver repellent. Red jumps back several times with each spray.}''

RED GREEN: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, go on, get away!

Visit With Ranger Gord
''{Red climbs up the stairs to the top of Ranger Gord's fire watchtower through the trap door. He sees Gord sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag and holding a teddy bear.}''

RED GREEN: Gord? Gord?

{Gord doesn't stir, so Red picks up a broom and pokes Gord with it.}

RED GREEN: Gord, Gord! {Gord is startled awake}

RANGER GORD: {sputters} Oh, Red Green!

RED GREEN: Gord? Gord, you haven't been in touch with me for so long. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. {Gord groans as he stretches his arms} You know, it's two o'clock in the afternoon! You're not just waking up now, are you? When did you go to sleep?

RANGER GORD: Uh, mid-October.

RED GREEN: October?!

RANGER GORD: {getting up} Yeah. Yeah, why? What month is it now?

RED GREEN: Well, it's May!

RANGER GORD: Oh, for heaven's sakes! {picks up an alarm clock} That stupid alarm clock! I shoulda been up two weeks ago!

''{Gord disgustedly throws his clock out of the tower. Then a bear growls from outside.}''

RED GREEN: Are you telling me you slept all winter, Gord?

RANGER GORD: Well, I wasn't actually sleeping. I mean, to use the correct, technical terminology, I was in hibernation.

RED GREEN: {leaning his head away, disgusted} Got some breath on ya there, Gord. You could probably refinish furniture with that.

RANGER GORD: Really? {breathes on his hand, then looks shocked} Oh! Oh, gosh! {waving} Oh, I'm sorry, Red. I'm embarrassing.

RED GREEN: You know, actually, humans aren't supposed to hibernate.

RANGER GORD: Really?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: Well, maybe that's why I kept waking up all the time. I swear I woke up every month. And I kept having these weird, recurring dreams. I dreamt that I was lying here in my fire tower, staring up at the ceiling... and shivering.

RED GREEN: Gord, you know, um, why don't you come away with me and we'll take you to a doctor. Maybe a whole team of doctors.

RANGER GORD: I don't know, Red. I've heard about people being treated, even though they were perfectly normal.

RED GREEN: Well, see, you don't have that risk. And if you like, we can get you a female doctor.

RANGER GORD: {becoming attentive} I would like that. I would like that very much. Oh, yeah! Yes! {standing up} Yes, and I need a complete physical examination. {Red stands up} A complete physical examination.

RED GREEN: {chuckles} I hear ya, Gord.

RANGER GORD: Which end of me do you think she'll start with?

RED GREEN: Depends if you brush your teeth first.

RANGER GORD: Yes. {runs to the trap door in the floor and jumps down}

Red's Handyman Tips
{Red sits next to several empty duct tape rolls.}

RED GREEN: You know, you can often judge a handyman by the number of duct tape rolls he has lying around, especially after a long weekend. The problem, then, is, what do you do with all these cores? Throw 'em out? Burn 'em? Just ignore 'em? Not if you're married. No, the real handyman recycles, and he does it in a way that best suits his needs and his lifestyle. Anybody can have a wine cellar.

''{Red gestures over to several duct tape rolls stacked on top of each other like a wine cellar. Instead of bottles of wine in each of the rolls, however, there are bottles of beer.}''

RED GREEN: With these babies, you can have a beer cellar. {gives a thumbs-up}

Buddy System
{Dalton and Mike run down into the basement and walk up close to the camera.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You've been lettin' on you've been a car expert for years.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah. Whenever a car was on the fritz, people would rely on you to say something like, "Sounds like a clotted manifold."

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, or "Your carburetor's thrown a rocker panel."

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah. But now your sister-in-law's in the market for a used car, and she's counting on you to give it the once-over.

DALTON HUMPHREY: But you don't have a clue, do you?

MIKE HAMAR: Unless that car is under ten feet of water or on fire, you're lost.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. So here's what you do.

MIKE HAMAR: Keep your mouth shut.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. Just stand and listen to the salesman do the work of sellin' the car.

MIKE HAMAR: Keep your mouth shut.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Look like you're doubting every word.

MIKE HAMAR: But keep your mouth shut.

DALTON HUMPHREY: For all he knows, you're a class-A mechanic, waiting to pounce on every nose-puller he can come up with.

MIKE HAMAR: And you've got him on the defensive, and that's just where you want him to be.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Now, he may in fact suspect you're a complete idiot, but he'll never prove it!

MIKE HAMAR: As long as you keep your mouth shut.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah! And don't thank us.

MIKE HAMAR: That's what friends are for.

{They turn and go back upstairs.}

Plot Segment 3
{Red is standing inside the Lodge, while Mike is looking out the window through a telescope.}

RED GREEN: Well, Operation: Dam Busters is well underway. We got Buzz Sherwood to fly over the dam and spray it with beaver repellent. Shoulda seen 'em all come stampedin' outta there. Fifty sets of buck teeth glistening in the sun. Looked like closing time at the computer club. But once they cleared the area there, we just aimed the raft at the dam and started the outboard motor on the back of her.

{Mike walks over to Red.}

MIKE HAMAR: Well, the raft is still on target, but it's still got a little ways to go.

RED GREEN: Okay.

MIKE HAMAR: Gee, it sure looks weird going across the lake at full speed with nobody driving it. Just Old Man Sedgewick water-skiing behind it.

RED GREEN: {shocked} What?!

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, it's okay, he fell. Pretty hard, though. His bathing suit came off over his head.

RED GREEN: Wow. That's gonna slow down the rescue team, I'll tell ya.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah. Well, that raft should hit pretty soon. Don't you wanna go back and watch?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

{Red and Mike run over to the telescope.}

RED GREEN: Oh, man!

MIKE HAMAR: {looking into the telescope} Where is it?

RED GREEN: Huh?

MIKE HAMAR: {excitedly} Oh, there it is! Oh! Man, oh, man, oh, man!

RED GREEN: Lemme see it!

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, just a minute. Holy Dinah!

RED GREEN: What?

MIKE HAMAR: It blew the dam to smithereens!

RED GREEN: {pushes Mike aside} Lemme see that! {looks into telescope} That's not the dam, that's Moose Thompson's house! {moves the telescope} There's the dam, and the raft is heading right for it. It's gonna be a direct hit.

MIKE HAMAR: {looking through a pair of binoculars} How do we know the torpedo is still on?

RED GREEN: {looks up} Well, we don't, so Edgar filled the other hot water heater with dynamite, just to be on the safe side. {looks into telescope again}

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, okay.

RED GREEN: Boy, is it ever gettin' close. Three, two, one...

''{An explosion occurs in the distance, followed by the sound of something flying through the air. A moment later, a bunch of logs and an outboard motor crash through the roof of the Lodge. Red and Mike examine the wreckage and look up at the ceiling.}''

RED GREEN: Well, mission accomplished.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, we sure did it. And hey, we got a bonus! Look at all this extra firewood!

RED GREEN: We're gonna need it for that hole in the roof.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, meetin' time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Mike, I'll be right down.

MIKE HAMAR: Okay. {walks to the stairs}

RED GREEN: {to the camera} Um, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I learned a lot this week. 'Course, you always learn a lot when you see nature at work. I'm really looking forward to night school. {to the audience} And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. {heads for the basement}

''{Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Dalton, Mike, Winston and Ed are standing at the front. The men are taking their seats as Red comes down the stairs.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sit down!

MIKE HAMAR: Sit down! Everybody, sit down, guys!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sit down, everyone! Have a seat!

MIKE HAMAR: Sit down now!

{The men all sit down as Red stands between Dalton and Mike.}

MIKE HAMAR: {stands up} All rise!

{Everyone stands up and puts their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits back down} All right, men, bow your heads for the Man's Prayer. {everyone lowers their heads}

EVERYONE: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. {Winston raises his hand}

RED GREEN: Winston?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yep. {standing up} Uh, men, uh, we have a beaver dam for sale. Some assembly required.