The New Statue/Transcript

The complete transcript for The New Statue

Opening Words
''{Text appears on screen: "Women build friendships. Men build statues." An engine is heard humming while the sounds of clanking go on.}''

Red's Handyman Tips
''{Red stands behind a worktable. He holds up a wood file.}''

RED GREEN: {somewhat annoyed} Alright, this here is a wood file. It's called a coarse bastard file. That's right, coarse bastard! It says right there: "coarse bastard". So Stinky, if you're watching this, it's you who owes me an apology!

Plot Segment 6
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Whistling)

thank you.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate your coming here.

Had a little accident

up at the lodge this week.

Junior singleton blew the roof

right off his garage.

Yeah, but he learned something.

You never jump-start

a barbecue.

And luckily, you know,

the roof landed

completely intact --

upside down, of course --

in possum lake.

Here's the kicker --

she floats.

So get this, right?

Because the roof is the only

thing the lodge members have

that doesn't leak,

including themselves,

they're turning it

into a boat.

Not just any boat --

a fan-boat.

We've mounted a dodge

slant-six on the back.

Got a helicopter rotor on

vertically.

Put the unit in where the

eavestrough joins the soffit --

where the bird's nest was.

We're gonna try it now,

so stay tuned.

You can watch it on television

or go to our hospital

and meet the guys in an hour.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): Today's show's

about insects.

I'll make a bug repeller.

Ranger gord

is gonna be tagging houseflies.

Harold's gonna be bugging

everybody, including dougie,

and I'll show you how

to deal with insecticide.

You heard of murphy's law?

This place should be called

murphy's lodge.

You're gonna have to pay

for that statue, you know.

Oh, harold.

They go to start that motor

on the helicopter thing,

but the fan-boat

didn't go anywhere,

'cause it never was floating.

It was wedged on a sandbar!

Harold, harold.

I'll tell the story.

Moose thompson figures

it needs more gas,

so he gives it more throttle

and more throttle...

And... More throttle.

That's clever, isn't it?

If something's gonna go wrong,

let's have it happen

at maximum velocity.

Exactly -- the fan-boat

still doesn't move.

The backwash from the prop

whips across town,

lifts the billboard

right off the main highway.

This picture of a smiling cow

on a unicycle

is flying through the sky.

That's not gonna sell

much milk.

No.

Suddenly, boom! Lands

in the centre of town.

Flattened the statue

of some guy.

That's not "some guy".

That's ezra banger.

He's the first citizen

in possum lake

to wangle a government grant.

He got $35 to kill mosquitoes

with a hammer.

Yeah, but you said

the fan-boat would work

and it didn't, so

♪ you made a mistake ♪

♪ you made a mistake ♪

what are you

talking about?

You did something stupid.

Now you gotta pay.

♪ you made a mistake ♪

all right, fine, I admit it.

I made a mistake,

but so did your parents.

♪ you made

a mistake ♪

♪ you made

a mistake ♪

harold, I'm armed.

(red): Bill asked me

to give him a hand

getting this car going.

First problem is

he's locked himself out.

What are we gonna do?

Oh, he's got a coat hanger.

Just having come out

of a closet recently,

he's still got the hanger

in his sweater.

I notice that

the passenger door

is, uh... That, to me,

seemed easier.

Why don't we get in there

and slide over?

You don't need the coat hanger.

Bill? Bill? Bill?

Hey, bill!

Bill, you're not-- bill!

Ow!

Stop! I'm-- bill!

I'm in the-- bill, I'm in--

come here -- I want

to show you something.

Hey, look at this, bill.

The door's

actually open -- look.

Ohhhhh!

See? Got her

completely unlocked.

Come here a minute.

You'll see -- take a look.

See? Oh!

We'll get it started later on.

They tell me

this is the big one.

For the grand prize

of an '82 lada

and four sets of jumper cables,

harold, you have 30 seconds

to get dougie franklin

to say this word.

And go.

Uh... Uh... D-d-deceive.

... The boss.

Uh, mislead?

Advertise?

All right, uh...

Ok, all right,

if you looked at this card now,

that

would be...

... Faster.

(audience laughing)

yes, but you'd be disqualified

because you...

... Got caught.

Mmmmm!

Uh, ok, all right.

Y-y-you debunk somebody,

you stack the deck,

y-y-you, uh...

Y-y-you... Fraud,

uh, that's...

That's...

Business.

Ohhhh!

But if somebody does that

to you...

They're a

dirty cheat.

There you go, harold.

(ringing bell)

(applause)

♪ buttons were flying

everywhere ♪

♪ a belt buckle bounced

off the mat ♪

♪ a zipper ricocheted

off the fishbowl ♪

♪ suspenders sprang

at the cat ♪

♪ there's a lesson

to be learned here ♪

♪ you might want

to take down a note ♪

♪ you can have extra helpings

or bend over ♪

♪ but you obviously

can't do both ♪

you know, hearing how

ezra banger got himself

his own statue

just for killing mosquitoes

has me thinking

that if a person found

a better way to kill bugs,

they could not only get rich,

they'd get more dates.

I thought I'd take this week's

"handyman corner"...

Show you how you can tell

the insects to bug off.

All right, this thing is called

a fogging machine.

Hope that came out right.

The way that works is

you fill her full of pesticide

and then you blast out

this toxic crap,

killing all the mosquitoes.

If you kill all the mosquitoes

in your area,

you're gonna take out

every other form of life.

Instead of that, I say

we just... (coughing)...

We concentrate on mosquitoes

flying in your face

and biting you where

you thought nothing ever would.

Get yourself one of these

aluminum lawn chairs

and an electric drill

and get busy.

There we go.

I can go out

in the worst mosquito weather.

I just sit down,

get comfortable, turn on

my mosquito fogger, which is

hooked up to the chair

and runs through the holes.

Give her a couple of seconds

to kind of warm up.

Soon, that insecticide fog

is gonna...

(coughing)

the beauty of this system is

you don't have to put

any insect repellant on.

You don't have to worry

about taking toxic chemicals...

(coughing)

... In through your skin.

(coughing)

oh... Uh, yeah, all right.

Uh, those who are allergic

to the ragweed or the pollen

or the (coughing) d.D.--

(coughing) or the d.D.--

(coughing) or the d.D.T.,

you might want

a mechanical solution.

You know how the horse has

a tail and they flip that

and it pushes bugs away?

In australia, they got hats

with corks on 'em.

They flip them around

to keep didjeridus

and wallabies

off their billabongs.

You can do the same thing

by taking one

of these patio umbrellas

and a washing machine.

All you do is hang

your various little trinkets

on the edge of the umbrella

and then hook her up.

(music mimicking

a ticking clock)

(grunting)

all right, there we go.

I got my doodads duct-taped

to the umbrella.

I got the umbrella duct-taped

to the washing machine.

She's all set --

let's give her a try.

Well, there it is.

People will be talking

about you all over town.

They'll say, "it's just like

a flicking horse's behind!"

or words to that effect.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Uh-oh, spin cycle!

Bill is all cranked up

and nowhere to go.

The town council will replace

the statue we destroyed

with our fan-boat.

We're in the wrong business.

Sculptors are getting thousands

for doing nothing.

Nothing?!

It takes a lot of talent

to turn a hunk of rock

into a human face.

Mother nature did it with you.

(audience laughing)

... Or close

enough.

We don't need

any starving artist

trying to rip everybody off

while they wait

for another renaissance.

We're gonna build

a statue ourselves.

I could build a sculpture

pretty cheap.

In cubs, I'd make ashtrays out

of asbestos for father's day.

The leaders figured

if they smoke,

asbestos won't be hurting them.

Thanks anyway, harold,

but we've already decided.

Take a look at this.

Huh? See that, eh?

We're gonna have a giant possum

in front of the mayor's office,

looking dead.

Talk about life imitates art.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

You guys think you can do

everything until you try it.

You think you can't do anything

and you prove it.

That's right--

(applause)

ok, what have you got today,

ranger gord?

Well, today, red, ladies

and gentlemen, I'm performing

one of my most favourite tasks

as a ranger --

tagging wildlife.

Sometimes I'll be tagging moose

or bear, but today,

I'm doing the trickiest

of all -- I'm tagging flies.

The first thing we do

is lure them close.

It's a shame

stinky peterson isn't here.

I have this green pork chop.

(fly buzzing)

oh, there we go!

(buzzing)

got him!

Nice work!

No, it's a her.

Oh, boy!

I'm going to be taking

one of these tags.

If you'd take down the details,

please, red?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fire away.

Now, it is a female blackfly,

tag number 22395...

22395...

No discernible markings.

I got it.

To make sure the tag stays on,

we'll use this stapler.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, no.

It's on there.

I killed it, red.

I killed

one of nature's wonders.

No, no, come on...

No, no, no.

No, she's fine, gord --

flew away.

Flying right as rain.

She flew away?

Yeah, just had to get used

to the tag's weight.

Oh! Ok, great.

Well, let's do

number 22396, huh?

For dinner, I'll fry us

some pork chops.

(fly buzzing)

ok.

All right, this is a wood file

called a coarse bastard file.

That's right, a coarse bastard.

It says right there --

"coarse bastard",

so stinky, if you're watching,

it's you who owes me

an apology.

I don't mind people offering

opinions on our sculpture,

but I don't need punks playing

street-ball near the statue.

That was the possum lake

high school team.

They had a bad attitude.

No, they

didn't.

I know those girls.

(audience laughing)

they're in my

home ec. Class.

I don't know why people feel

they gotta offer suggestions,

yelling while

we're trying to carve.

They're saying,

"take a bit off there!"

or "put a bit back on there!"

or... "whoops!

Old man sedgwick's

standing back, saying,

"that doesn't look

like a duck."

you get 30 men waling away

on a big piece of rock

with sledge-hammers

and tire irons,

you're asking for trouble,

but you know, I'm being honest.

Lots of those people,

they're giving

creative suggestions.

By the time we got done with

their creative suggestions,

our huge rock had turned

into a gravel driveway.

Now we gotta change our medium.

We're switching to steel.

Good idea --

steal a statue.

No, harold, no, no.

No, no, no, no, harold.

We're gonna get

our welding gear

and we're gonna make

the four horsemen

of the apocalypse

out of "k" cars.

Wow!

Now, that's innovative!

A statue that gets

decent mileage

and a seven-year warranty.

(audience laughing)

(red): Back at bill's car,

we're ready to start her.

Every guy has his own secrets

for starting a car.

With me, it's a lot

in the way you twist the wrist.

With bill,

it's the way he nods.

With me, it's the twisting.

With bill, it's the nodding.

When we get going,

there's hardly a vehicle--

we can usually get her--

we can usually...

But not in this case, it seems,

so bill's getting out.

Gonna check under the hood.

What's the problem?

What do you want? Huh?

Oh, yeah, ok.

Open the hood, all right.

Ohhhh!

Oh, golly, it's got one of them

spring-loaded hoods.

You all right?

Ok, up she comes.

There should be a bar there.

Should be something there--

should be a bar to hold that,

some type of bar.

Bill, no, I believe

that's a dipstick.

Actually, there's a couple

of them I'm looking at.

I don't think

that's gonna work,

no matter how long you do it.

What have we got there?

That's the coat hanger

from earlier in the show.

I'm not sure a coat hanger

would hold up a hood.

Would that make

a lot of sense to you?

Well, by golly!

It does hold up

the weight of the hood...

Just not for long.

What do you want?

Oh, open the hood!

All right, all right.

Gotcha, gotcha.

Is that better?

You all right? Ok.

This is going way back.

They used to be able to hook

a crank into the crankshaft.

That's why they call it

a shaft.

Bill's gonna try and

turn the motor over manually.

Oh, boy, this is-- oh, oh, oh!

The thing can start

going backwards on you.

Careful, there, bill.

Watch it doesn't reverse.

Look out, she's coming

your way!

Almost there -- oh, boy!

Little more -- almost got her.

Oh, boy! Oh, gosh!

Oh, gosh! Oh, gosh!

You all right, bill?

Lo@k out -- oh, oh, oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

(laughing)

all right, let's try these--

oh! Gosh!

I should know better

than to stand that close.

He's got jumper cables.

He's got the double set.

He's gonna put one end on and

we'll just hook 'em together.

It's amazing how much power--

(sputtering)

... You can get out

of a couple of batteries.

Yeah, the quick start--

I believe this is,

uh, ether.

Ether would be a good thing

to have around bill.

Take it easy, bill.

You just need a little squirt.

You don't need-- bill.

No, bill, you're--

no, bill, that's--

that's almost an explosive,

bill, I think.

I could be wrong,

but that's an explosive.

I could be wrong.

Two cans you've emptied?

I could be wrong about that.

(explosion)

ohhhhh!

No, I think I got it

pretty much right on, there.

Oh, boy.

Where's the hood?

Oh, there it is.

All right, uh...

Is the engine running?

It's not just running.

It left!

So we gotta find

an alternate means of power.

Good gas mileage --

just too much gas.

Stay tuned for my buddy

winston rothschild,

the king of pumps.

By golly, you should have seen

our "k" car statue.

I may not know art,

but I know what I like,

and it's welding vehicles

together.

I know I said the four horsemen

of the apocalypse.

We had so many cars,

we made seven.

War, death, famine, sleepy,

dopey, grumpy, and shemp.

It was something, wasn't it?

All the windshield wipers

were going.

The lights were turned on.

Every radio was tuned

to the port asbestos station.

It was only time and weather,

but still...

It was a multi-media display

of kinetic art

and social commentary.

Whoo-hoo!

Where did you learn

to talk like that?

The librarian said that,

and she was really excited

until she realized

one of the "k" cars was hers.

Judging from her language,

I bet she reads

a lot of d.H. Lawrence.

She wasn't the only one

not impressed with your work.

The police stuck a ticket

under everybody's windshield.

There were six for parking

and one littering.

We gave the cars back,

but we got an idea.

Instead of making a statue,

we'll take something

we already have

and call it a statue.

We should have

thought of this before.

Something you already have?

Like what? Like a lawn mower?

What have you got

that could be considered art?

Your beer can collection?

Your polyester pant

wall hanging?

Welcome to the expert portion.

On this week's expert portion,

we have experts:

My uncle red and his friend,

mr. Winston rothschild.

(applause and cheering)

(whistling)

first letter goes as follows:

"dear experts...

Wahhhh!

"what's the secret

to getting a great job?"

(laughing)

if my uncle knew that, he

wouldn't be hosting this show.

The key to a great job

is to have an uncle

that owes your father money.

Uh, well,

actually,

I have to diverge with you

for a second, red.

My dad owed all kinds of people

all kinds of things.

The only job

that ever got me was

a guy came up to me and said,

"if you beat up another guy,"

he wouldn't beat up my father.

(audience laughing)

we wouldn't ask you

what a great job was about,

anyway, winston.

(laughing)

well, uh...

(laughing)

I don't agree,

especially

if the guy expires to own

his own sewage

and septic sucking service.

Mr. Rothschild,

I think

you mean

"aspires".

No, "expires" is

right on the money.

Yeah, well,

anyway,

the key to a good career is

finding the key to that career.

That's key, and, you know,

I happen to have found the key

to the sewage

and septic sucking business.

Blocked

sinuses?

No, no, no.

(audience laughing)

the key to successful

sewage sucking

is the personal touch, eh?

You've got to chat up

the customers.

You gotta make them

feel at home,

make 'em feel special.

Cater to their every need.

'cause in my business,

the customer is king.

Only while

they're on the throne.

Oooh!

(laughing and applause)

well, it took us a while,

but we finally got

a new statue in town

by just using something

we already had.

Not buster hadfield's stove.

No, nothing stupid, harold.

Didn't use

those unused exer-cycles

the guys brought in.

Somebody suggested

we have old man sedgwick

stand there

and pretend he's a statue,

but we wanted something

more lifelike.

Haven't you figured it out?

Art takes talent --

that's what's missing here.

Not the materials or supplies.

Art is in the artist,

not in the palette.

No, that's

right, harold.

We decided to use the fan-boat.

We've given up on art.

We're gonna go

with practicality.

T-t-the fan-boat's

the new statue?

Town council won't allow that.

Yes, they will, harold.

The fan blows over the lake,

breeze all the time,

keeps the bugs away

and guarantees you're upwind

from stinky peterson's place.

They won't let it sit there,

blowing over the lake.

They will, because

the mayor has a sailboat.

Yeah?

Get it?

Wahhh?

I'm

telling you,

we've created a statue.

We got the mayor on the lake

where he can't make mistakes,

and we killed a couple

of hours.

If that isn't art,

I don't know what is.

(laughing and applause)

no, I'm sure

you don't.

(possum squeal)

see, that's

meeting time.

I'll be down

in a few minutes.

This was quite a day.

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming home

after the meeting.

Maybe when we're sitting

out by the lake

and you hear a loud noise

and lot of wind,

you can be sure

that I'm responsible.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(harold): All rise!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

For more

information

on red green

and possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or find us

on the internet

at...

I was telling you earlier

that people make things.

The possum lodge sign

is made by the same--

this guy made this

and brought this in.

You flip it around...

It's just fantastic.

He's jim jackson.

He lives in simcoe.

Possum lodge member 4118.

And, uh, boy, is that

ever gonna burn good.

Boy, this is too much!