Bear!!!/Transcript

The complete transcript for Bear!!!

Intro
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays as the characters are introduced. After we introduce the characters, there are a few scenes from the show, followed by a stock footage of a bird flying through the sky at sunset, amid various gunshot sounds.}''

''{The camera pans through a cluttered hallway inside the lodge, on its way to the main lobby. During this time, Harold is heard introducing the show.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Gather 'round your television sets, and make sure they're turned on, because this is the wildest wildlife show on the air! Bringing you thrills, chills, spills, and a really nice view of our hallway right around... now! {giggles} This is the show that dares to be different, only because we can't afford to be the same. And here he is, the man who's the most different of them all, the star of the show and, through a cruel twist of DNA fate, my uncle. Here he is, the legal owner of "The Red Green Show", ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Red Green!

''{By now, the camera has reached the lobby. Red enters through the front door, waving to the audience, who applauds.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you, Harold. Thank you, and, uh, welcome to Possum Lodge. Not fancy, but it's paid for. Uh, we got a good show for you this week. Uh, although, I have no idea what Harold meant by the "thrills, chills, and spills".

HAROLD GREEN: Gee, Uncle Red, I was referring to my directorial digitalizing. That's what gives the show its cutting-edge feel!

''{Harold plays his switcher. A transparent shot of him is shown twisting around against a shot of the Possum Lake area at sunset.}''

RED GREEN: Well, that makes me feel like cutting the edge of your digits, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking down at his switcher} This is state-of-the-art, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, I don't know about art, but I know what I like, and that doesn't even come close. And don't you even come close, either. {to camera} Try to keep that nonsense to a minimum. {looks outside the window briefly} Got a bit of a situation going on at the lodge this week. Uh, we're kind of trapped in the lodge. Uh, nobody can go outside.

HAROLD GREEN: Are we being audited again?

RED GREEN: No, Harold, there's a– there's a bear outside.

HAROLD GREEN: {shocked} A bear?! Like, a real bear?! Like, with claws and fangs and stu– Like, a bear?! A bear?!? Like, what if the bear, like, breaks down the door, like, just mauls us to death for no reason?! We should shoot it! We should shoot it.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Harold, Harold, Harold! You know, despite a lot of misconceptions, of which you are one, bears don't just randomly, you know, maul people and kill them, okay? If the bear comes in here and kills you, it'll be to eat you. But that's not gonna happen, Harold, 'cause it'll sniff you first. {to camera} Now, this all got started when our cook, Eddie, made some honey-raisin muffins, and he put them out on the back porch until they stopped burning.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, so, like, the bear was attracted by the smell of Eddie's cooking?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no. Even bears aren't that hungry. No, I'll tell you what happened. Old Man Sedgewick and Buster Hadfield went down to the store to buy some bear repellant, and Dwayne, y'know, being Dwayne, sold them bear musk by mistake, okay? Now, to a bear, bear musk is like a Madonna video and the Sports Illustrated swimwear issue all rolled into one, okay? So, they came back here, and they sprayed that all over the place, and now what we have is a... is a pretty eager male bear, you know, kind of drooling around the lodge there.

HAROLD GREEN: Wait a second. If they sprayed, like, bear musk all around, he's not sniffing for food.

RED GREEN: Oh, you're probably right. And if he comes in here, {clears throat} he won't be hungry.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, what say we just get rolling with the show, and then we can barricade the door?

RED GREEN: Yeah, good idea, good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

{Red runs toward the door while Harold plays his switcher to trigger the next scene.}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * As I was walking
 * Through the woods one day,
 * I came upon a swagman
 * Jollying on his way.
 * He said he was waltzing
 * Matilda to a billabong,
 * And he refused to speak English
 * So I nailed him.

Plot Segment 4
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

See the bear sniffing

around red's van there?

You see the way he's sniffing

the trailer hitch?

It must be mating season.

[ bear growling ]

[ siren wailing ]

oh! Here comes noel

and his fuzz mobile.

Yeah?

Does he know about the bear?

I don't think so.

I sure hope he sees it.

Wa-a-a!

I don't think he does!

[ laughs ]

he doesn't!

He doesn't even know

about it!

Wa-a-a!

The bear still

out there, guys?

Yeah, yeah.

He's stalking noel.

Neat, eh?

Noel

doesn't even know it.

Look at him dicking around

with his siren.

Wa-a-a!

Noel:

Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Well,

he knows about it now.

Whoa!

[ laughs ]

wow!

He sure can motor!

Yeah.

[ laughs ] he moves pretty good

for a dwarf.

Where's he going?

Tool shed?

Nope.

Pump house.

Oh, it's locked.

Noel: Aaaaaaah!

[ laughter ]

I've never seen a man

hurdle a barbecue before.

I got to go get my camera!

This is excellent!

Aaaaaah!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Look. Look.

The boathouse is locked.

[ laughter ]

I told him we didn't need

all those locks.

Oh, the bear's gaining

on him!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Oh, boy!

Oh, boy! Here he comes!

Here he comes! Here he comes!

Come on, noel!

Come on! Come on!

[ bear growling ]

noel,

noel, noel, noel.

Yeah!

Noel --

oh, yeah, sure.

If you'd like a drink

or anything,

just help yourself,

there.

I'll get more.

[ panting ]

starship entry 167d.

Investigate the sighting

of a bear near the lodge.

Light brown in color,

approximately 14 feet tall,

definitely male.

What are you gonna do

about it, noel?

Me?

I -- which --

if you're referring --

nothing!

Well, you're, uh,

head of security, there.

That's why you're dressed

like a fire truck, isn't it?

Look, helmut,

when it starts breaking into

a lodge member's car

or swiping cutlery,

hey, I'm there for you,

buddy.

The bear's trespassing,

noel.

Well, actually, helmut,

he's not.

We're the ones

who are trespassing

on his natural habitat.

See, because bears were here

a long time before us,

and they will be here

a long time afterwards.

Not if noel goes out

and shoots him.

Wha-- hey, ha ha!

I'm not allowed

to carry a gun.

You can borrow

one of mine.

I-I'm not even allowed

to hold a gun.

Well,

why don't you go out

and do one of those karate

tae-kwon-dork moves

you're always

talking about, then?

Look, helmut, that bear's

a maintenance problem.

You're in charge

of maintenance.

You get rid of it.

Maintenance?

What, is the bear

clogging the drains?

I must have missed that.

No,

but you are responsible

for clearing the paths

and the roadways

so we can get

to the vehicles.

Look, I shovel snow.

I rake leaves.

Anything that moves,

you deal with.

Right, red?

Oh, no, no,

you two guys settle this,

but whatever you do,

settle it in a hurry,

because sometime

in the next two weeks,

somebody's gonna have to use

that outhouse.

You heard him.

Go kill the bear, you coward.

He didn't say that!

And don't you call me

a coward, mister,

or else I'll, uh...

Or else what?

He didn't say

I had to kill the bear!

Okay, okay.

I got the camera figured out.

All righty.

Noel, go outside, and do exactly

what you did before, okay?

This time I'm ready.

[ laughs ] go on!

[ vehicle approaches ]

oh!

It's murray and dwayne!

Oh, I got to get

my wide-angle lens for this one.

Do they know

about the bear?

[ chuckles ]

I don't think so!

Both:

Aaaaaaaaaah!

Oh, they do now.

Oh,

this is fun!

Wow!

Hey, was I that fast

when I was running?

Faster, only your arms

weren't flapping.

[ laughs ]

[ wood, tools clanking ]

red: This week in

"handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

how you can, uh,

scare off wild animals.

For example, bears.

You know, uh, bears hardly ever

take a swipe at anybody.

They're mostly noise and teeth,

kind of like harold.

But, you know, uh,

what you got to do

is you got to find a way

to scare him off,

and what we're gonna make today

is called a bear scarer.

See, 'cause

in the animal kingdom now,

a lot of the fights are avoided

by one of the animals

making a big display.

You'll see a cat

putting its fur up, you know,

or a peacock will whip his tail

out there

or dogs will snarl, you know,

and show their teeth,

and, uh, the idea

is you make yourself look

real vicious and mean,

or at least hard to swallow.

To make our bear scarer,

you're gonna need some things.

You're gonna need some marbles,

and you're gonna need

some hawaiian shirts.

You're gonna need a backpack,

aluminum tent pegs.

You're gonna need, uh,

some eyebolts,

some sash cord,

and, uh, some rubber gloves.

And if you're looking

for those things,

you may be able to find them all

in harold's closet.

Now, the first thing

I'm gonna show you

is, um, how you make

the counterweight,

uh, noisemaker part of the deal.

You take a small can like this,

and you put the marbles

into the can.

All right.

And then you put the small can

upside-down into the big can.

Okay, and then

you just cover that over

with the handyman's

secret weapon.

You make two of those,

and there are your noisemakers.

[ marbles rattling ]

they work.

Now we're gonna make

our visual display.

To do that,

we take our backpack,

put it into the vice...

And we're gonna stick on

these eyebolts

in the top

of the vertical supports.

Okay, so, once we got

our eyebolts on here,

we've added the pieces

of pvc pipe to the side,

and we really

horsed her down there

with the handyman secret weapon

again, duct tape.

And again, be generous

with the duct tape.

You know, spare the duct tape,

spoil a job.

All right, now we take one

of our pieces of sash cord,

run it through the eyebolt,

okay, like this.

The other end,

we've again duct-taped

to the bottom

of one of our tent poles,

and we drop that down inside...

Inside the pvc pipe.

I've done the same thing

on the other side.

And when we pull the strings...

Well, I think you can see

where we're going with this.

Now we just finish packing in

our, uh, plumage here.

Now take the ends

of the pull cords

and attach them

to our noisemakers.

Now I'm out walking

through the woods,

and I come across a bear

or a wolf or helmut,

and I just do

what the peacock does.

Now, if that doesn't get you

to the outhouse safely,

I don't know what will.

So, remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ clicking ]

I'm losing my marbles here.

♪ ooga-chaka, ooga-chaka ♪

"it is winter.

The bear sleeps.

"not alone like me,

"but with many other bears

in some dark den.

I bet that doesn't smell

too great."

[ clears throat ]

all right, uh,

back to the drawing board.

Noel, the security guard, now,

he wants somebody else to go

out there and shoot the bear,

but that's illegal

unless the bear is a danger,

and, actually,

with the lodge members

being all kind of trapped

inside here

and not being allowed to go

on the lake or on the highways,

the danger level is way down.

So, then, noel says

that maybe helmut should go out

and argue with it

'cause they both speak grunt.

But helmut

doesn't want to do that.

Helmut wants us all

to dig a big tunnel

like they did in that movie

"the great escape."

then there was a big argument

about who was gonna be

steve mcqueen.

And moose thompson out there

tried to lasso the bear,

ended up being trapped

up in a pine tree.

You know, uncle red,

actually,

you know, bears aren't

that dangerous.

I saw a movie downtown

the other day,

and there was, like,

these two brown bears,

and they were roaming around

a national park.

They didn't maul anybody

or nothing.

Actually, you know, they were

more afraid of the people

than the people were

of them.

And did they shoot

the bears?

Oh, no! No, no!

See? No.

Just ranger smith

told yogi and boo boo

[ as yogi bear ] to put

back those picnic baskets!

Well, there you go, harold, eh?

Huh? Huh?

But our bear

isn't hungry, okay?

He's smelling musk

out there.

He's not gonna be satisfied

with dinner and a dance.

Oh, he wants --

he wants a lady friend.

Well, we all want lady friends,

harold,

but we don't go around

drooling

and rubbing our rumps

up against a tree.

No.

Even I know

that one won't work.

Well, you know, it might,

but it's not the type of girls

your parents would approve of.

No. Right.

So, anyway, helmut says that the

bear is so desperate for a mate

that what we can do

is duct-tape together

a couple of air mattresses,

cover them

with some fun-fur seat covers,

and then douse the whole thing

with musk

and throw her out there.

That might buy us enough time.

We can make a break for my van.

In the meantime, I'll take us

to the next segment,

and that'll give us

just enough time

that I can think

of a brilliant plan.

This must be

a really long segment.

I'll go into the store room

and get the stuff!

How much this gonna cost

the lodge?

Does $15 sound good?

I'll give you $20

if you take a check.

Sounds good.

Here's the tranquilizer,

and here's the bear repellant.

[ air hisses ]

let's go.

[ tool clanks ]

how's school going

this year, harold?

Oh, great! Excellent!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Best year ever.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Football team's

even winning. Sure.

Oh, great.

Sounds like you're doing

pretty well, then, eh?

Me? Oh, no.

I'm just barely getting by.

The school's doing good,

though.

I thought you were asking

about the school.

School's doing good.

I'm just, you know,

struggling by, as always.

Well, harold, I would think

you'd be real good in school,

you know,

'cause you got the glasses,

and you're a real gomer

at sports and stuff.

Yeah, I know.

You'd figure, you know.

But I'm doing okay in computers

and geography.

It's my television class,

you know.

We're supposed to make

a tv show, right,

so we each got

a $100 budget.

So, I made an episode

of "the red green show."

remember that extra one

we made last fall?

That one.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, how'd you do on that,

anyway?

I got a "d"! A "d"!

The teacher wanted to know

where I spent the other $90.

And where did you

spend it?

I got this really cool

computer game, "zortex."

so cool! So cool!

Wa-a-a!

Okay. I'm ready.

How are you gonna stop a bear

with that?

I stick it down his throat,

then open it.

Murray: Oh, yeah, and while

the bear's laughing at that,

we can all go

to the bathroom.

Just don't open that in here.

It's bad luck.

Please hurry,

or we're gonna have

even more bad luck.

Yeah, he's right.

Nature's calling.

Who's ready

to answer?

[ all cheer ]

okay, let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa!

Red,

I-I'm head of security.

I-I should say

"let's go."

okay. Let's go.

Wait! Wait! Wait!

I-I forgot something!

Ohh!

Where's he going?

He said

he forgot something.

You guys

don't listen.

Reading material.

[ all speak

indistinctly ]

now, remember, guys,

animals can smell fear.

Yeah, they're not

the only one.

Okay, when we get there,

alphabetical order.

Okay.

My name's albert.

Brian!

And allen.

[ bear growls ]

[ all scream ]

whoo! Whoo!

Well, the can of bear repellant

was a big disappointment.

Dwayne pointed it the wrong way

and sprayed himself in the face,

dropped the can.

The bear ate it.

At least now the bear won't eat

dwayne's face, although I might.

We tried a tranquilizer gun,

but our aim was off,

and we ended up hitting

moose thompson

up in the pine tree.

Uncle red,

how long does it take

for the tranquilizer

to take effect?

Just a little bit longer

than it takes a bear

to maul a person

from head to toe.

Is that just a guess,

uncle red,

or is that what it says

in the instructions?

We can't go on like this

much longer.

I mean, the washroom situation

is getting brutal around here.

A lot of the guys have been

taking potted plants

up to their room.

Somebody's gonna have to show

a little bravery.

Or stupidity.

Is that you volunteering?

[ screeching ]

boy, that bear

really is in heat.

No, no, no, no. That's the sound

of the wild possum.

The lodge meeting's

about to begin.

Oh. Well, we'll just see

who's the lucky lodge member

who gets to sedate

winnie the pooh.

[ laughs ] I'm sure glad

I'm not a lodge member.

Aren't we all?

Well, they say that a hero

is just a sandwich.

Let's go see

who gets to hold the pickle.

[ screeching ]

[ screeching continues ]

all rise.

All: Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

Sit down.

The floor recognizes

helmut wintergarden.

I would like to know

why noel hasn't done anything

about the bear yet.

Yeah! Why not?

Well, uh, I'm not in charge

of pest control.

My job

is to prevent thefts.

Good point. Yeah.

Well, if you ask me, the bear's

stolen your courage, noel.

Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you go out

and talk to it?

You might find out

it's your uncle or something.

All right,

hold on, hold on.

Look,

it's a well-known fact

that bears are only in heat

for two weeks.

I think we can hold out

that long.

Speak for yourself there,

murray. Right?

Question. Question.

What -- what does, uh,

"in heat" mean?

Right.

Well, harold, uh,

"in heat" means

the bear has more than georgia

on its mind.

[ laughing ]

don't even pretend

to get that.

Not a clue.

See, harold, animals only get

in the mood to mate

for a short period of time

once a year.

Whoo-hoo!

Boy, that'd make it easy,

wouldn't it?

Boy, way more time

for nintendo, right?

Yeah. Huh? Huh?

What?

Shut up, harold.

Anyway, I think we all agree

that it's up to noel or helmut

to do something

about the bear, right?

[ all speak indistinctly ]

let's put it to a vote --

noel or helmut?

Sure. Yeah.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, red, since you're

the lodge leader,

I think maybe red should do

something about the, uh, bear.

Sure.

Somebody should, yep.

Well, I am doing something

about it.

All those in favor of noel

taking care of the bear,

say "aye."

aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye.

All of those in favor of helmut

taking care of the bear,

say "aye."

aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye.

Well, there you go, then,

don't you?

[ laughs ]

I-I-it's a tie.

All righty.

You know what

we're gonna do?

Uncle red will have to make

the deciding vote.

[ cheers and applause ]

well, I'm gonna need some time

to think this over,

so, uh,

so while I'm deciding,

uh, why don't we get murray

and dwayne

to come up here and give us the

evening's entertainment, huh?

[ applause ]

well, what we're gonna do

for you this week, boys,

we're gonna tell you

the story

of goldilocks

and the three bears, all right?

Boy, it's funny

how one scruffy bear

who's looking for love

in all the wrong places

can disrupt so many lives.

[ bear groaning ]

what's that?

Well, love exciting and new,

come aboard.

We're expecting you.

It seems our bear has found

himself a lady friend.

I think we're gonna be able to

go back outside again real soon.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I should be able

to get to my van

and, uh, come home

in about, uh...

Two minutes --

just a guess.

Maybe you can check to see if

you can find our bear-skin rug.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge

and the bear

and his lady friend,

keep your stick on the ice.

Yes!

Wait, wait.

We're not doing

the bear stuff yet.

Goldilocks.

You're goldilocks.

I want to be the bear.

I know you want to be the bear,

but you'll be the bear later.

Let him be the bear!

All right, be the bear!

We'll turn it around.

Okay, the bear is in the forest

and tired

and comes up to this goldenlock

family's house, okay?

So, anyway, goes up to the door

and knocks on the door --

the bear knocks on the door?

What are you talking about?

It's a fairy tale, and bears

can do anything they want.

How come you're the bear?

Shouldn't you be goldilocks?

Well, he wants to be

the bear.

He's an idiot,

and he wants to be the bear.

That's the way he is.

There's a friend of yours

waiting outside.

There you go, dwayne.

[ all speaking indistinctly ]

away you go!

Away you go!

Wag your tail around

at him!

Away you go.

Away you go.

Can I have his job

at the store?

Most definitely

you can, yes.

Can I have

one of the pups?