Cheap Jeep/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

If you have cherry trees

in your area,

this is the time of year when

you wanna get over there

and start picking those babies.

The danger is maybe you

don't have a decent ladder --

or maybe you do,

but you loaned it to somebody,

or maybe you gave it

back to somebody.

Then you start thinking about

climbing the tree to get

at the cherries,

or worse yet, making

your own scaffolding.

Hi, mr green.

Hi, mike.

I wouldn't advise it,

unless you like hospital food.

No, no, here's a simple

one-step way to pick

your own cherries.

[ mike moaning ]

all you need is a friend

who has a convertible.

Probably better if it's

not a close friend.

[ applause ]

[ cheering and applause ]

all right, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, appreciate that.

You know, my wife bernice

was taking a hard look at the

possum van the other day,

and she's decided we need

a second vehicle,

something she would

actually ride in.

So I know a fair

bit about cars,

and I was looking at

one of my favourite magazines,

and, uh, saw an ad in there

where you can get an

army surplus jeep

for 75 bucks.

75 bucks!

Come on!

I called the number,

I placed my order.

The guy had kind

of a weird accent.

I don't care, I'm getting an

army jeep for 75 bucks!

Hey, red,

your jeep's in.

Really?

Where is it?

What?

It's in this crate.

What's all

this stuff?

Jeep parts.

There's another

15 crates out back.

Oh, great,

it's a kit!

Did they send

any instructions?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Bilingual.

Spanish and german.

Oh, that doesn't matter.

I know what a jeep looks like.

Oh, I don't have a

good feeling about this.

Oh, come on,

winston.

A jeep is the most

logical vehicle

ever made.

You just take one piece

and just go step by step.

Just takes a few

brains, that's all.

I don't have a good

feeling about this.

Winston, it's only

75 bucks, for

crying out --

listen, I've been working

around cars and trucks

all my life,

and I know a good

deal when I see it.

Yeah, well, I've been working

around sewage all my life,

and I know crap

when I see it!

[ laughter and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

and today, dalton is going

to be playing for a free

dinner for two at

hoofers restaurant

and sports bar.

Ooh, la la.

At hoofers all the

waitresses have big feet.

Okay, mr green, you've got

30 seconds to get dalton

to say this word...

Yeah, yeah,

all right, mike.

And go!

Okay, dalton, this is

a mechanical device

that only your wife uses.

The remote control?

Okay, okay, but when anne

marie's watching television

what do you use

to clean the carpet?

Tweezers.

Okay.

Say you had a container

of some kind and it sucked

everything out of it, okay?

What's left inside is...

My life.

All right, okay, no.

This is something that has a

bag on the back and the

dog barks at it.

Oh, the postman!

Almost outta time,

mr green.

Okay, dalton, have you ever

seen your daughter's

boyfriend eat?

Oh, he's a vacuum!

There you go!

[ cheering and applause ]

hi, winston rothschild here

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

If what you see

is what you did,

call me before

you close the lid.

Kind of going

off the beaten path on

today's handyman corner.

Gonna do something a little

more on the craft side.

For those of you who don't

appreciate sledgehammers

and chain saws,

and still have the time to sit

down and write a letter

to the network,

where they can start

putting pressure on me,

thank you very much.

So today we're gonna show

you how you can make pottery

using kitchen appliances.

And for those of you who

enjoy this kind of thing,

I would suggest that you

pay real close attention,

because this is a

one-time only situation,

believe me.

Right now I'm making up a

batch of quick-drying cement

that we're gonna use

to make our mold.

This is actually a recipe

from my grandmother for

sugar cookies.

Hard as nails.

Oh, yeah, my grandfather

could never eat 'em

until she made him a set of

teeth out of the same stuff.

We're gonna use this stuff to

make fridge magnets, yeah.

Gonna make fridge magnets

in the shape of...

Beer caps.

So all we gotta do is stick

the beer cap down into

the cookie mix

and get her

completely covered.

Get her well in there

and get her --

uh-oh.

I lost it.

It's gotta be down

there somewhere.

Oh, oh --

okay, uh, plan "b."

we're gonna make a fridge

magnet in the shape of

a wristwatch.

Okay, this is fun,

isn't it, ladies?

I've managed to remove

the watch from the mold.

Now what I do is pour

olive oil into her there

so that nothing

will stick to it.

This is, uh, virgin olive oil.

Well, it's never

been used for this before.

Now all I gotta do is

use more cement

and inject it into the mold

with this cake decorator.

This is also called

a forced piping bag.

Sounds scottish,

doesn't it?

All right, you lay

that in there,

and you just let her set

for about ten minutes.

Okay, now I have my

plaster watch,

which is an exact replica

of my original watch,

including, unfortunately,

the warranty.

Now, I'm just gonna

paint that up there

to make it look

even more lifelike.

Isn't that beautiful?

Doesn't matter what

time you paint it to,

it'll be right

twice a day.

Enjoy that one, ladies?

All right, what I'm gonna do

now to make it into a

fridge magnet

is to add a little piece

of magnet onto the back

of her there.

This is a real

powerful magnet.

It's made out of molybdenite

or plutonium or something.

I'm just gonna cut a little

chunk off the back of that.

Had a bit of a re-think

on the magnet thing.

Just gonna use a little piece

of duct tape stuck on

there instead.

All right, ladies,

we're almost finished.

You can go back to your

knitting any time now,

but you know, sometimes it's

those last couple of steps

that really make

the difference,

make it a professional

looking job.

Because, you know, yeah,

we got it painted,

but real pottery has that nice

smooth glaze on the outside,

so what I'm gonna do is

take my dishwasher here,

and take the intake hose --

see this can of lacquer?

I just stick the intake

hose into the lacquer,

and that'll spray

a nice finish on there.

A lot smoother than you

can do with, say, a brush

or a piece of paper towel.

[ sound of

dishwasher running ]

and now the last step, ladies.

Put the watch into

the toaster oven kiln

and cure the glaze.

At this point it's probably

looking pretty simple.

And you can use the control

between light and dark

to set the deepness

of your colour.

And it's just that easy.

[ timer bell ringing ]

oh, it's all done.

[ blowing ]

just what everybody needs...

A hot watch.

So remember, if the women

don't find you a craftsman,

they should at least

find you crafty.

[ cheering and applause ]

you know, when you get

to be a guy my age,

you really wanna sit back

and keep your mouth shut

as often as possible.

And there are certain times

when speaking your mind

is even more dangerous

than usual.

Well, like, say,

at the church picnic

when you suddenly remember the

joke that ex-marine told you.

Or any time your

wife is acting friendly.

Or if you happen to be

sitting in the passenger seat

the first time your teenager

drives the family car.

I know, you wanna scream out;

you wanna grab

the steering wheel;

you may even rip the arm rest

right off the door panel;

but you gotta just

kinda stay relaxed,

you gotta take the long view.

Cast your mind ahead

a couple of months

to where they've got

their driver's license

and your pulse has

returned to normal.

You know what?

Your life is gonna get

a lot better then.

You won't have to

chauffeur them around

every time they

want a new tattoo.

And they'll even

run errands for you.

So just kind of

cool it down, you know?

Just sit there and don't

let them see you cringe

every time they knock

over a stop sign.

And when they clip off a

mirror off a parked vehicle,

compliment them for missing

the rest of the cop car.

You just stay calm now,

and in a couple of months,

you'll be able to dangle

these car keys in front

of your teenager

and suddenly have that trump

card you so desperately need.

Remember, I'm pulling for you,

we're all in this together.

[ applause ]

well, we're getting the jeep

together bit by bit.

It's not easy,

but, hey, 75 bucks.

If I wasn't so bad with pliers

I'd have to pinch myself.

The only problem has been the

steering and the pedals.

They seem all kinda backwards.

But, I'll tell ya, you get

a big enough hammer and

lots of duct tape,

you can make anything work.

Yeah?

Hey, red.

I think I figured out why we

were having so much trouble

with the steering.

You see these decals?

You bought a j.D.F. Vehicle.

Yeah, okay,

that's fine, I guess.

Do you know

what j.D.F. Means?

Well, as long as it doesn't

mean "jeep doesn't function,"

I don't care.

It was 75 bucks.

It's probably worth

1,000 bucks.

It's probably worth

5,000 bucks.

Red, j.D.F. Stands for

jamaican defence force.

The jeep's

from jamaica!

Well, irie, mon.

And what does that have to

do with the steering being

all kind of weird?

Well, because in jamaica

they drive on the left

side of the road;

you know, like in England.

So this jeep's

a right-hand drive.

Well, not anymore.

Yeah, I know that.

I'm just a little concerned

about converting a vehicle

from right-hand drive

to left-hand drive

by beating the living

daylights out of all

the linkage pieces.

Well, okay, so it's not

going to be perfect,

you know.

No! It's going to be a hazard

to every person in the vehicle

and every other vehicle

on the road.

This jeep's a death trap!

I know, but it

was only 75 bucks!

Anyway, as long

as the brakes work,

there's no

real problem.

Who's hooking

up the brakes?

Well, I am.

I don't have a good

feeling about this.

Winston, when have I ever

built something that

didn't work?

All right, fine.

When I get my

deathtrap together,

you don't get

to ride in it!

Oh, come on!

No, no, if you're

gonna be critical,

you don't get the

fun of risking

your life.

No!

Just kidding.

No, I was

no, no, no.

Aw, come on.

[ applause ]

today on talking animals,

local animal control

officer, ed frid,

is here to teach us a little

bit about chameleons.

Come on.

Come on up, ed.

It's only a chameleon,

for crying out loud.

Chameleons are

cold-blooded, red.

That means

they're indifferent

to death and killing.

No, it doesn't.

It just means they have no

tolerance for winter.

They're like seniors.

[ laughter ]

red, chameleons have

tongues longer than

their whole bodies!

They're total

freak shows.

And their eyes,

they move independently,

like this...

How can you trust

anything like this?

Stop doing

that, ed.

Get the chameleon

out here.

I don't think we

should do that.

Oh, for gosh sakes.

No, red,

don't do that!

If the chameleon feels

its space is being invaded,

it'll shoot its tongue

right up your nose.

And then it will pull out

a piece of your brain.

I don't think there's even a

chameleon in there, ed.

The chameleons

change colours to

match their surroundings.

He's coloured himself

to look like a chunk

of wood.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

[ laughter ]

he doesn't actually turn

into a chunk of wood,

does he, ed?

Huh? Huh?

No, uh --

watch your nose.

Well, if that's just wood,

where's the chameleon?

Don't make any

sudden movements, red.

( gasps )

[ laughter and applause ]

he could be

anywhere.

Oh, uh, ed,

you know what?

Maybe you

should go home.

You might've

left him there.

Yeah, I probably did.

Yeah, thanks.

That's probably where he is.

[ laughter and applause ]

red: Well, we're all meeting

up there on the hill.

Walter had his

little soapbox going

and I brought mine in,

the road hog.

Boy, winston has --

he's got money, you can tell.

And then dalton --

oh, look at this.

Look at this rig.

Check this one out.

Oh, man.

Oh, baby.

Two, three, go!

And winston gets

off like a rocket.

I don't have the -- the --

I'm coming.

I'm gaining.

I'm gaining.

I'm gaining.

I'm gaining.

Dalton's got some problems.

Start your engines,

there, dalton.

Winston's doing all right.

Oh, log! Log!

Oh!

Now we're sliding good.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Okay, so winston won that.

Walter came in second.

And I was, uh --

oh, oh, that's

gotta hurt.

( chuckling )

okay, I got my deal.

Let's have a rematch here.

That's not fair.

You had the expensive cart.

We had an idea.

It'll be winston against

the whole bunch of us.

So he's got his, and we

kinda took all our carts

and put them together

into a beauty.

Look at that.

Now you're talking.

All right, smart guy,

you ready?

Here we go.

One, two, three,

and we're off!

Heave ho.

There we go.

Let go of the oars.

Okay, now, it takes a while.

We've got a little

more weight,

but once we get --

turn this --

no, no, no --

okay, that's --

no, no, no!

Too much.

Too much.

Too much.

Log! Log!

Oh, no!

Oh, boy.

And right up and

over winston,

and...

Hey, we got him!

All right.

[ cheering and applause ]

you know, I always love it when

you can combine nature and

technology.

Like they do on a sun dial

or water wheel

or a drive-in theatre.

Now, for my part of nature,

I'm gonna use this sunflower.

It turns to face the sun

as the day goes by.

And for my technology,

I've got this satellite dish

that's controlled by

this joy stick.

I figure there's gotta be

a way to get these two

working together.

Well, I did it.

I hooked the joy stick

up to the sunflower,

so the sunflower's going

to keep this satellite dish

pointing at the sun

all day long.

Give me a week, I'll look

like george hamilton,

or maybe george burns.

[ applause ]

you know, some people

have looks;

some have brains;

some have talent.

Then there was

delmore clumpstead.

Everybody figured delmore

would have a tough life

because the village

had downsized

and no longer needed an idiot.

Delmore clumpstead was maybe

the dumbest guy ever

at possum lake.

Now, just take a moment

to truly appreciate

that benchmark.

He was so dumb he didn't

even know how dumb he was.

But that was his

greatest asset.

Yeah, it gave him all kinds

of confidence in himself

and so much disdain

for other people.

We thought he had

a future in politics.

Delmore had no

interest in school,

and the feeling was mutual.

He didn't like it when people

would say things to him

that he didn't understand.

He wanted to do

that himself.

So he formed a business where

he would give advice

to strangers.

They were supposed to

come into his office,

and he would tell them

what was wrong with them

and how much smarter he was.

It was kind of like

talking to your dad,

except you had

to pay for it.

Well, it shocked the

heck out of everyone

when delmore's advice

thing took off.

People came from

all over the place

to give delmore 10 bucks

to tell them what

was wrong with them.

Wasn't long before he

published a whole series

of self-help books.

"you know what the

trouble with you is?"

"you're wrong

and I'll tell you why."

oh, and his real

money maker...

"stop whining and

write me a cheque."

I knew a lot of guys in prison

who were way smarter than

delmore clumpstead.

But you know, it's tough being

a successful criminal

if you've got

a lot of brains.

People realise you're smart,

then they get suspicious.

Delmore, he never

had that problem.

Looking into his eyes was like

looking into outer space;

except it was more vacuum.

[ siren wailing ]

I gotta go.

I'm bringing back a

ladder for a friend.

Oh, delmore was

a one-man show.

Nobody worked for him.

(chuckling)

I remember he came to see

my dad in the early '50s,

looking to buy a monkey.

My dad asked him

what he wanted it for.

Delmore said he wanted

to have a monkey as

his vice president.

Maybe that's where

george bush got the idea.

( screaming )

delmore could never sustain

his early success,

but he did prove a couple

of things in his lifetime.

He proved that you can never

go broke underestimating

the self-esteem of the

north american public,

and if you wanna

make it real big,

you need more

than one idiot.

That last one became

the mission statement

of possum lodge.

We thank you for that,

delmore clumpstead.

[ applause ]

uh, okay, uh --

had our first

test drive in the jeep.

We got a few bugs we

gotta work on her there.

Problems?

Uh, no, everything's

uh, under control.

Okay, a little tip for you

handymen out there...

If you're ever working on a

right-hand drive vehicle,

the nut that holds the

wheel on is, in fact,

left-hand thread.

No matter how much you turn

it to the right, it will

not tighten,

and, in fact, the wheel

will eventually come

off in your hand.

Everything okay,

there, winston?

Whew!

Well, the fire's out.

But now it sort of smells

like three-day-old

jerk pork.

Well,

you would know.

Oh, by the way,

if you get the jeep

back on the road again,

I'm calling

the cops myself!

Gee, you know, I don't

think it went that bad.

Not that bad?

When you turned left,

it went right.

When you hit the brakes,

it went faster.

That can't be okay.

Okay, but this is what

happens in history, right.

Some people persevere,

others quit just when

they're close to success.

Well, you're close

to something,

but it isn't success.

So you're saying I

should abandon the jeep?

Oh, yeah!

What if I let

you drive?

I don't think so.

No, no.

Oh, man, winston,

it's so hard for me

to admit I was wrong.

Well, I'll mention

that at the funeral.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time,

there, mr knievel.

You go ahead, winston.

I'll be right down.

Okay, if my wife is watching,

honey, uh, I think you should

go out and get yourself

whatever car you want.

But I'm bringing home kind of

an interesting lawn sculpture.

It's kind of an

automotive charcoal theme.

It only cost me 75 bucks,

but I bet it's worth 5,000.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

take a seat, everyone.

Sit down, everyone.

Sit down.

Sit down, please.

Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

All: I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Red: Okay, first of all,

I wanna thank all you guys

for helping me put

that jeep together.

I know this is going

to disappoint you,

but I decided to take her

off the road permanently.

[ cheering and applause ]

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