Van Go/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

(applause)

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Bit of excitement at the lodge.

Buster hadfield's car

has been stolen.

Uncle red, the correct term

is "repossessed".

No, this is an actual theft.

Buster reported it to the cops.

I bet it's not

criminal purposes.

Maybe it's kids on a joyride.

'79 pacer? I don't think so.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): Today, I'll show you

how to burglar-proof your car.

Harold's gonna do

some wood carving.

Way to go, young fella.

Dalton tries

to get me to say "art",

which is a stretch.

I'll show you how

to work on your lawn-mower.

The police issued a bulletin

for buster's stolen car.

Luckily, anyone driving a pacer

will attract some suspicion.

No car is safe these days.

They developed

this anti-theft device

you might be interested in.

It's called a door lock.

(audience laughing)

it's on the door!

(laughing)

locks are a waste of time.

You lock your car.

You gotta find a hanger

to get the keys out.

Next time you lock her,

you need another hanger

'cause you locked the first one

in beside the keys.

You gotta buy burglar tools

to break in to your car.

Somewhere down the road, you

lock the tools in the trunk.

You see why it doesn't work?

You're absolutely right --

my fault.

I assumed some intellect

and attention to detail.

I was way off base,

lost my head.

(audience laughing)

(red): Bill's gonna show us

some tricks with his bike.

Didn't like that one.

What else you got, bill?

You're just irritating me.

Oh! Oh!

Ohhhh!

Oh, I like that one.

That's a good one.

Come on out, bill.

Do that one again, would you?

(laughing)

this is for the big one!

Today's prize is a buy-one,

get-one-free gift certificate

from herbie dougan's

house of doorknobs.

Mr. Dalton, you have 30 seconds

to get my uncle to say

this word.

(laughing)

thirty seconds, and go.

An oil

painting.

Two coats with

a primer.

Something you buy

at an auction.

Broken stove.

Think

fancy auction.

A working stove.

You're looking at pictures

of a horse and angel and nudes.

Customized van.

Something... Something

collectable,

something more valuable,

something...

Oh, oh, oh, hubcaps.

You'd hang this on a wall.

Stuffed bass?

They're nice,

they're lovely.

You go to

a gallery.

They hang these on walls

and people look at it.

They hang up!

Moon?

They hang them in galleries,

with sculptures, paintings!

These are...

Oh, they're

weird,

and the

abstract stuff--

you're almost out of time.

The kinkerman guy,

his first name.

Billy?

No, his brother, the drunk!

Oh, they're both juicers.

The mechanic,

the one that stole!

Oh, art.

(ringing bell)

♪ when life has given you

a taste of rejection ♪

♪ getting a dog

is an excellent suggestion ♪

♪ he'll be your buddy,

your servant, your friend ♪

♪ he'll be there

when you're at the end ♪

♪ makes you feel better

when you're out of dough ♪

♪ when you've done all you can

with the little you know ♪

♪ 'cause no matter how far

down life's ladder you go ♪

♪ your dog will always be

one rung below ♪

(howling)

(laughing)

with cars getting stolen

at the lodge,

thought I'd show you how

to make your car burglar-proof.

You're thinking the best way

is to have a car

not worth stealing.

That doesn't always work.

To a burglar,

fourth-class riding

is better than

first-class walking.

So you're better off

with a multi-stage

anti-theft programme.

The first stage

is the door handle.

You want to

make that unfriendly.

You know what I suggest?

Wire 'er up, like I have,

to the cigarette lighter.

You plug that in

and within a couple of minutes,

that door handle

gets blazing hot.

This not only

makes the burglar upset,

it enables the cops

to catch him red-handed.

Ok, for the next stage,

you want to disable

your steering wheel somehow.

Get yourself a crutch.

You can get one for free

at the waiting room

at the gout clinic

when nobody's watching.

Hook this up

to the steering wheel.

(sizzling)

yow!

You mount the crutch

so it comes down

between the driver's legs.

When the burglar does

a left-hand turn,

he'll have to pull over

for medical attention.

Here's another little feature.

I've run my rad hose

up inside the car.

When I leave the car,

I take the cap with me.

When the burglar

starts 'er up,

steam goes all over him --

instant sauna.

All right.

Now, we got another feature

to show you in a minute.

Ok, you want

to figure out some way

to impede the rotation

of the tires.

I would think about letting

the air out,

but that's inconvenient,

so instead,

what you do is take a nut off

each wheel on one side,

but not just any nuts.

Make sure it's the two nuts

closest together --

the farthest one back

on the front wheel,

and the farthest one forward

on the back wheel.

Here, I'll show you.

(cracking)

that was my back.

All right, there we go.

You're gonna need some chain,

which you can pork off

a tow truck

while the guy's in the doughnut

shop working on his waistline.

See how I've mounted these

to the nuts that are closest

to each other?

When the burglar tries to move

the car, the wheels lock up.

All right, let's go

to stage five -- anchors.

See how this works?

Jam these anchors

into the ground.

We've attached one

to the back bumper

and one to the front bumper.

We're ready

for the final stage --

noise creation, more or less

a specialty for lodge members.

You'll need this special wire

they use

to ring the bell

at gas stations.

You don't have to buy this.

Most stations

leave it out all night,

so cruise by with wire cutters,

let nature take its course.

Strip one end of the wires.

Connect these

to your horn relay.

Make sure you connect

the right wires

to the right terminals.

No, no.

That's not the horn relay.

Here we go.

(horn honking)

(shouting): Boy,

that is loud, isn't it?

Great acoustics under there!

Anybody say anything?

No?

Ok!

Spread that hose where

the burglar will step on it.

There's your anti-theft car.

Isn't that great?

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I was supposed to pick

bernice up an hour ago!

Oh! Ohhhh!

Oh!

There you go.

(laughing)

(grunting)

(horn honking)

(coughing)

stay tuned

for harold's handicrafts.

And you thought

you were useless.

I thought "irony" was

how our tapwater tastes.

Buster hadfield

had me convinced

to get an alarm system

installed in the van.

He knows a guy,

gets a good price.

I think they might be hot.

Hot? Stolen car alarms?

(laughing)

you want a car alarm

that can be stolen?

The price was right.

Doesn't matter anyway.

Before I could

get the thing installed,

somebody stole the van!

They stole

the possum van?!

Yeah.

Why?

You know what the effect

of a five-bean chili is on you.

(audience laughing)

we all do.

And she certainly does.

She warned you

at the company picnic

that it would be good

to stay away from that chili.

You had to say,

"no, relax, would you?

"it won't hurt

to try a little."

maybe a little

would have been ok,

but you had to have

the three bowls.

Now we have a problem.

Mmm!

If you had any more gas in you,

you'd be floating around

with a string tied to your toe.

(laughing and applause)

and she gets to say,

"I told you so,"

or she will,

once the trouble starts.

Don't take the offensive.

Take the defensive.

Buy yourself a dog.

Stand right next to him.

He'll cover for you.

(laughing and applause)

if things get real bad,

bring in a pack of strays

for a couple of weeks.

Yeah, or a trip to the zoo

is good cover.

The zoo, the zoo.

Recent research has proven

that the bigger and uglier

the animal,

the more you can get away with.

This is very good advice.

We know what

we're talking about.

We know the score.

Yeah, we know

which way the wind's blowing.

Attention, handymen.

This is a finishing nail.

This is a concrete nail.

This is a thumbnail.

Don't ever confuse them.

Welcome to harold green's

handicrafts,

where crafty hands

make handicrafts!

(laughing)

today I'm gonna be making

a decorative decoy.

Aahhh!

Now, step one, as always,

is the first thing you do,

so I suggest that you get

a piece of wood

that's much larger

than the actual decoy

that you want to make.

(grunting)

(audience laughing)

ok, this is step one.

(laughing and applause)

(laughing nervously)

next week, I'll show you how

to make a stronger work bench.

In the meantime,

let's get carving.

To do that,

we need a pocket knife.

The pocket knife is a, uh...

It's a knife, and, uh...

I knew where it was

because a pocket knife is

the instrument of--

well, see, there you are.

Hence the term "pocket knife".

(laughing)

all right, so

once you get this open,

the blade will determine

the stroke that--

the blade would come out

and that's when

you really get at it,

when the blade's out.

That's when

the whittling begins,

I'll tell ya, when the--

that's-- that--

uncle red!

(laughing nervously)

excellent.

(applause)

ok, so you have to determine

is it sharp?

Oh, if trees could cry.

All right, now...

(audience laughing)

you gotta--

(grunting)

oh!

Always remember,

always remember --

this is the important thing.

Cut with the grain.

(audience laughing)

and there you have it -- voila!

That wasn't so tough, was it?

Ok, now we're gonna paint it.

We're gonna make it

even more look like a duck.

So I'm gonna use

this orange here.

I'm gonna use orange.

And then you continue

to paint it

in a duck-like fashion.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

there you have it!

A beautiful decoy duck,

and you made it yourself.

That's the best part.

Can't you just hear it quack?

(red):

We sure can!

The possum van

is still missing.

The cops found buster's pacer

in the ravine,

the inside totally gutted,

just torn to shreds.

The cops figured

it was senseless vandalism

but buster said

it was like that before.

Harold, he should get

his dog's toenails clipped.

Or get that mutt

to stop line-dancing.

So no word on

the possum van, huh?

You're gonna have to go out

and get yourself a new one.

No, I don't

want a new van.

I want

my old van.

I love

that van.

New vans are great, too.

They don't smell

like a wet goat.

No, harold,

my van is a classic.

Made vans better

back in those days.

You know, the old-fashioned

workmanship...

Craftspeople took pride

in their work.

1985 -- the golden age

of automobiles, was it?

Besides, today, all they got

is those minivans.

Men are not comfortable

if anything's got

the word "mini" in it.

Well, how about

miniskirts?

Well, now, to my generation,

those are for women, harold.

Miniskirt, minivan,

minnie mouse...

There's not an ounce

of testosterone in the bunch.

In honour of me losing my van,

bill brought over a unicycle.

No, that's too hard.

What are you doing?

Bill seems to store everything

he doesn't use in his pants.

That's amazing --

how did he do that?

He's got something else.

My gosh, what is that?

Some medical piece of equipment

of some kind?

What is it?

Oh, for gosh sakes!

Well, must be some kind

of special material.

Yes, anyway, it's--

ok, yeah, all right,

I get the idea, bill.

Bicycle built for two,

half the pedalling.

The only thing

I don't like is -- ow --

bill's got the brakes

and steering.

All I gotta do--

ok, away we go.

The thing--

yeah, that's the horn.

What I didn't realize is that

if you don't--

bill, we're pedalling

backwards.

Bill, we got off on the--

oh, oh, oh!

By golly, now,

at least I--

look out, look out!

Ok, fine.

I'm thinking I don't have

control over anything,

especially bill.

Then I realize I've got

a back-pedal brake.

Oh, boy, up she comes!

Oh, down she goes!

Bill's got the balance

from his unicycle days.

Look at that.

Look at that show-off.

That's an odd thing.

You pray for a low bridge.

There's a rock there, bill!

Look out!

You all right, bill?

Honk if you love fun.

(laughing)

oh, you're fine.

Stay tuned --

harold has good news!

Oh, man.

Looked at them new vans.

Couple of those babies

are pretty sharp.

They loaned me one

to use for a day.

Yeah, it really does

look sharp.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I-I-it's not

very big, though.

Oh, it's big enough --

seven-passenger.

Oh, yeah,

but I mean,

from the outside,

it's not very big.

It's almost like, uh...

A minivan.

If a person saw it,

they'd think it's a... Minivan.

No.

If they saw it, they'd assume

you were thinking of purchasing

a... Minivan.

I distinctly remember you saying

that minivans are for women.

Is that a minivan?

(audience laughing)

well, technically, yes,

it is technically a minivan.

Ohhhhh!

But, harold, technically,

you're a human being

so there's a lot of leeway

with technical definitions.

All right, get balanced.

Keep your head down.

Slowly on the back swing.

Keep the left arm straight.

Stop at the very top,

and accelerate

as you come through

and make contact.

Welcome to the experts portion.

This week's experts

is my uncle red

and his good friend

mr. Winston rothschild.

(applause and cheering)

ok, first letter

goes as follows:

"dear experts...

"my son has decided he doesn't

want to follow in my footsteps.

"I want him to join

the family business,

"but he has other ideas.

"what can I do?"

wahhhh!

I guess you have to start

living with the fact

your son has his own life.

Well, that's

no kind

of advice, harold.

A man's paying a compliment

to his son,

inviting him

into the family business.

This is a show of fatherly love

we're looking at.

Am I right, winston?

Yeah, of all the times

I wished my old man

had brought me into his family

business, instead of

getting me to bring him

ashtrays and bottle openers

and going to answer

the front door

and telling the cops

he wasn't there.

I'll tell you something.

If my son asked to be

in the family business,

I'd do anything

to get him in there.

I'd make fun

of everything else he did.

I'd cut him out of the will

and threaten him

and slash his tires

if he didn't come

into the business.

In a friendly way,

make him toe the line.

Well, I completely disagree.

Wahhh!

(audience laughing)

I mean, if you ask me,

I would disagree.

I think the son

should lead his own life,

like mr. Rothschild does.

Well,

I gotta admit,

I got no regrets, eh?

Sure, I floundered around there

for a while,

had my share of failures.

At one point, I wanted

to be a bank president,

then a supreme court judge,

and then I just dove

into the sewage business

and I've been

up to my eyebrows ever since.

(audience laughing)

it was a bit disappointing

that the old man

never asked me.

I'll tell you something.

If I had a kid,

he'd be more than welcome

to join me

in my family business.

He might not be interested

in starting at the bottom.

Whatever -- I think

the point here is

that some sons just, you know,

don't measure up

to their fathers.

Sometimes the son is five times

the man his father is.

Yeah, yours

will be.

(laughing and applause)

harold?

All right, he's not here,

but kind of made up my mind

that I'm gonna go ahead

with this new van.

Something about the smell

of a new vehicle, there,

and boy, the controls

are something else.

This thing's got

more adjustments

on the windshield wiper control

than the possum van had

on the whole dashboard.

Even just to have the carpeting

all the one colour, you know?

It's a crime that

the possum van was stolen,

but life goes on,

so I'll duck out early,

get down to the dealership

and I think I'm--

uncle red, uncle red!

Uncle red, uncle red,

uncle red!

Uncle red, uncle red,

uncle red, uncle red!

Uncle red, uncle red,

uncle red!

What?

They found the possum van!

Wahhhh!

Isn't that

great?

Yeah, it's good, yeah.

It wasn't even stolen,

wasn't even stolen.

It was buster hadfield.

His friend was gonna sell you

the car alarm system.

Buster borrowed the van

and he's gonna have the system

put in as a surprise.

You love that van.

It's back!

Yeah, no, yeah, oh, yeah, no.

Harold, I'm thinking

the safety's not up to snuff.

The new vans, they got

the driver's-side airbag

and the a.B.S. Braking system.

The guy who never wears

a seatbelt is mr. Safety?

It's not just the safety.

The new vans have

air conditioning

and the seek-control button

on the radio

and coffee-mug holders.

We're into a new age

of technology.

But you love

the possum van.

Yeah, but it's a piece of crap,

basically.

You said it's a classic.

It's got a v-8 engine,

lots of cargo space,

still runs pretty well.

It's a good, solid van.

Would you like

to buy it?

No.

(laughing)

(possum squeal)

it's meeting time, uncle red.

You go ahead, harold.

(laughing)

think it over.

(laughing)

if my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home

after the meeting.

I've been doing

a little thinking lately

about how you kind of get

the short end of the stick.

I'm thinking how much easier

your life would be

if you had a brand-new van.

I'm gonna be bringing one home

tonight,

but I also know how nervous

you get when you're driving,

so I'm thinking maybe

why don't you drive

the possum van for a while,

and I'll drive the new minivan,

just for a little bit...

Till it's paid for.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

oh, hurry up!

Hey, stand up,

stand up!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

Sit down, boys.

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Boy, this is too much!