A Shot In The Dark/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know,

around possum lodge,

most guys don't worry too much

about a little littering.

But lately people have been

losing their dogs

in this stuff.

So, okay, we need to

cut down on the littering.

Besides, it'll get

you into trouble

with a lot of those

special interest groups,

like homeowners

or police...

Or society.

So today I'm gonna show you

how you can maintain

your civil right

to hurl garbage

out the window,

but without getting

into trouble.

First thing you do

is take a milk crate

and carefully

remove the bottom.

Okay, I've attached

a garbage bag

to the open end of

the milk crate here.

That's actually

gonna catch my garbage.

And thanks to

the himmelman hinge,

the whole unit tucks

away behind the van

so it won't cut

into the gas mileage.

Even more

environmentally friendly!

I'm practically

saving the planet here.

And I can bring the

crate out when I need it,

thanks to this

rope and pulley

attached to the

driver's window.

But talk is cheap...

It's only when you try

my ideas it gets expensive.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ police siren ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

I bought a piece of land

from junior singleton,

and all it cost me was

two pair, aces high.

And then last night

harold and I went up

to take a look at it,

and, uh, that was a setback.

Now, junior had

told me the land

has a great

view of the swamp,

and it does...

All you do

is look straight down.

Well, well, well,

if it isn't donald chump!

Well, that would make

you my apprentice, then,

wouldn't it,

harold?

Do I look normal

to you, uncle red?

You know, sometimes you just

make it too easy for me.

I'm not feeling well.

I'm all sweaty and

itchy and woozy.

Don't forget

sleep and dopey.

There was a lot of bugs and

mosquitoes up at that swamp.

And based on my symptoms and

this webpage I was just on,

I may have contracted...

North mile virus.

Can you take

a pill for that?

No, I gotta get

a shot.

Wow!

Well, you may too.

Are you all

itchy and feverish?

No! No.

I feel --

I think we're

both fine, we're good.

Are you afraid

of needles?

Harold, I'm married,

I've been gettin'

the needle for 38 years.

You know, I think

I'm just gonna

go lie down on the

cot in the basement.

Fine, harold,

fine.

You're sure

you're not itchy?

I'm not itchy!

I'm not itchy.

A-a-all right!

You're irritable,

I'm not irritable.

Maybe not,

but you're a carrier.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today, charlie farquharson

will be playing for this coupon

good for one overcooked

quarter pounder

at butcher bob's

blackened burger bar,

where if you can chew it,

we didn't do it.

Okay, cover your

ears there, charlie.

Red, you've 30 seconds to get

charlie to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Uh, okay,

charlie, charlie!

Okay, this is somebody

who's self-employed.

A farmer.

No, no, this is a guy who

takes a lot of risks

in his job.

A marijuana farmer.

Okay, no.

This is somebody who sees an

opportunity and runs with it.

A shoplifter.

Okay, no,

this is a guy

who gets an idea but he uses

other people's money to do it.

A teenage son.

No, this is like --

this is like a guy who runs,

say, an enterprise.

Captain kirk!

No! No.

Okay, okay, charlie,

if a guy makes it big

what is he?

On viagra.

R[ laughter and applause ]

uh, red, you're

almost outta time.

I know.

I know.

Charlie, charlie, when you

were growing up in

parry sound,

there must have been somebody

who made a name for himself

at something.

Well, there was one fella

spontaneously combust all over.

Made a complete

'ash' of himself.

Nice french fella.

Yeah?

What was his name?

André préneur.

Yeah!

[ ♪ ]

announcer: We have a surprise

for young jimmy anderson.

Today is career day,

and jimmy will be spending it

with a grown-up

doing a very

important job.

I wanna be a fireman!

[ doorbell ]

[ ♪ ]

do you like trucks?

Cool, a fireman!

Hey, mister,

you smell.

[ ♪ ]

can I work the siren?

[ ♪ ]

you know, I agreed to do this

because I love kids.

[ ♪ ]

I also love

sucking sewage,

and I wanted to show

that to a young child.

See, I don't have

any kids of my own,

so this is a huge

opportunity for jimmy.

I pointed out

the tremendous amount

of sewage in this area.

And I told him,

some day this

could all be his.

[ ♪ ]

first-time jitters.

You know, I really

enjoyed this experience.

It gave me a

chance to connect

with someone young

and impressionable,

and to have a little fun.

[ ♪ ]

winston: And you know,

when it came time to

say good-bye,

I actually had

a tear in my eye.

So did he.

Lay off,

toilet boy.

[ ♪ ]

[ applause ]

have you seen these fancy

exhaust pipes they have?

It's made of steel,

but you can bend it

any way you want.

It's strong and flexible.

Kind of like a

middle aged man,

except for the strong

and flexible part.

Well, this exhaust pipe is

going to be the centrepiece

of this week's

handyman corner,

because we're going to use it

to extend the tailpipe

on this vehicle.

Of course, to do that,

you're going to have

undo the existing pipe

and then insert this one

somewhere near the middle.

Now, the old pipe may be

rusted on there pretty good.

So you're gonna

need a special wrench

and a couple of clamps.

[ cough ]

safety goggles might

have been a good idea.

I'll just squint more.

Boy, pretty rusty

under there.

Good thing the

floor is gone.

I could have suffocated.

But now we've got our

flexible pipe in place,

and we can aim our

exhaust anywhere we want.

Kinda like when

you were single.

Now all we need is

a way to keep the pipe up

and steer it.

So now I have my aiming

mechanism in place.

I used a clothesline,

but you can use the steering

system out of your boat.

Well, not your boat,

but someone's.

So now when I turn

the steering wheel,

the tailpipe is pulled

horizontally and vertically.

So the technology is

two-dimensional in character,

much like myself.

Now, you'll be aiming through

the rearview mirror,

so everything

will be backwards.

But I put the

hood ornament on there

to work as a sight.

Okay...

We're gettin' there.

Now all we gotta do is

add a little fire power.

And at my age the best

place to look for that

is under the hood...

Of the car.

I took one of the

engine spark plugs,

mounted it on

the muffler here.

Had to extend

the wire a bit,

not sure how good the

connections are,

but I find with

real high voltage,

it's not all that crucial.

Stuck a piece of doweling

into the spark plug hole.

Wanted to use one of the

corks from my wine bottle,

but it's the

wrong size thread.

See, the spark plug

mounted here

allows the gas

to explode in the muffler

rather than back

in the engine.

Why am I doing this,

you ask.

Well, you like skiing,

tobogganing,

snowmobiling,

a white christmas?

Well, then you

need a snow cannon.

Now you can have snow where

you want and when you want

just like at those

fancy ski resorts,

but at a fraction

of the cost,

excluding legal fees.

Now just aim your tailpipe

at wherever you want your

blizzard delivered.

You'll have lift-off right

after ignition, believe me.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

Actually, this is one snow job

she'll thank you for.

[ applause ]

I want to talk

to you guys

who have people

who look up to you

and ask for your advice.

They see something

in you, don't they?

And we both know

they're wrong.

Oh, sure, yeah,

you used to know

everything.

You had opinions

on the way kids dressed,

until your kids

found the pictures of you

in the madras captain

with leo sayer hair

and the mr t necklaces.

You thought you knew what was

wrong with the government

until every great guy

you voted into office

turned into a moron.

You knew how annoying

and stupid cell phones were

until your motorhome

broke down in utah.

You knew kids were

wasting time on computers

until you bought

a truss on e-bay.

So now

what do you know?

Well, you know

that you know nothing.

Just don't admit it.

If people come at you

with questions,

ask a question back.

Questions like,

"how did it fall?"

or "do you have

all the pieces?"

or "how much time do we have

before your wife gets home?"

you never need answers

when you have questions.

Will it work?

Well, what do you think?

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Well, that north mile virus

that harold and I picked up

isn't getting

any better.

It won't kill you,

but after a few nights you

almost wish that it would.

Uncle red, is that

doctor here yet?

Not yet, no.

Harold, you've got to

get a door on your

microwave.

No, this is lotion

for the itch.

Oh.

Hey, great dance, boys.

Now try the watussi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you want,

dalton?

A camera.

Here, they just came

priority post.

Oh, okay.

You know, they sell

pimple cream in flesh tone.

Okay, it's from

the medical clinic.

"dear sirs,

"we cannot come to the lodge

as the virus you've contracted

"is extremely

contagious."

what does it

really say?

Ha! That's what it --

look at this.

Oh, that's low.

"in the meantime,

"please find enclosed

two syringes."

here you go.

Wow.

What you looking

for, harold?

A really tiny nurse.

Oh, we don't need

a nurse.

We'll just do this

ourselves.

I can't give myself

a shot.

No, no, no, no, no.

You give me a shot,

I'll give you a shot,

all right?

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

All righty.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'll go first.

Okay, all right.

Why do I always have

to be the mature one?

I feel like I'm in

a peter sellers movie.

"dr. Strangelove?"

no, a shot

in the dork.

Ahhh.

Owww!

[ applause ]

red: Harold and walter had

gone for a hike in

the woods, there.

And walter had kind of

a normal-sized backpack,

and harold went

the ultra-deluxe --

figures he's going

to get lost.

He carries the map

and doesn't always

look where he's going.

Stepped right

on walter's foot, there.

Comes back the other way

and repeats it.

And he comes over

to apologize.

Walter's not

that interested.

So harold takes off

the backpack.

It's a heavy unit.

So the idea is that he's

going to hang it on a tree.

All he needs to find is

a tree that has a nail in it.

Oh, there we go.

And of course, the weight

of the backpack

pulls the tree

right over.

So harold's

a little concerned.

He's wondering if that

fell on walter's foot.

Apparently yes.

So walter gets

the bandage on there.

And harold's trying

to be helpful.

Brings him one

of these walking sticks

and demonstrates how

to use a walking stick.

Something like that.

So walter tries

the walking stick.

It doesn't go real well.

Oh!

Okay, so we got

to go to plan b,

which is harold

carries both backpacks,

and walter walks

in a way that will not

hurt the injured foot.

And he's pretty

creative that walter.

So they're

walking along.

Harold hears

a buzzing noise,

and it's not just coming

from his head as usual.

He looks up and there's

a beehive up there.

So harold knows

the safest thing to do

with a beehive is

to tap on it,

but it seems

pretty solid.

I guess they're okay.

And then walter

doesn't notice

that it actually drops

out of the tree

and --

that can't be good.

Oh boy, oh boy.

Oh no, oh no.

How does he do that?

So then harold --

no, harold, no, no, no.

Now he's going to

swing and hit it.

Unfortunately,

he hits the foot.

And then he gets -- he does

get the prybar in there

and just flips

it right out.

And okay, we're good.

We're good, we're good.

What he doesn't notice

is that it dropped

into his backpack.

So harold picks up

the backpack.

I think we'll see

harold again.

Here he comes.

Yeah, yeah.

Harold's gone

to hollywood

to be in a bee movie

by the look of it.

[ applause ]

if you're like me,

you don't want to get up

in the morning.

Heck, most days, you don't

want to even get up in

the afternoon.

But if through

some miracle,

or managerial oversight,

you manage to land

yourself a job,

chances are you're going

to have to get up early.

The problem

with alarm clocks is

you can reach over

and shut them off

or smash them to bits

with your work boot

and go right

back to sleep.

You need an alarm

that will get you up,

not just wake you up.

Okay, so what you

do is you take the two

outside legs of your bed

and you move them

to the middle.

Oh, sure,

you've got to learn

to just sleep on your

side of the bed,

but I'm guessing

you're used to that.

And in the morning when the

immovable object, you,

meets the

unstoppable force, gravity,

you're going to find out that

gravity wins every time.

[ clock ticking ]

[ alarm ]

[ applause ]

well, I just had my needle,

and I feel great.

I'm proud of myself.

I took it like a man.

Hey, that wasn't

so bad at all.

No.

Oh, you got

a red one.

C'mon harold,

trade me, will you?

No, you already

licked yours.

Oh, okay.

No!

Is it safe?

Yeah, yeah.

C'mon in, dalton.

Everything's fine.

You guys finally

stopped being chicken

and gave each other

the shot, huh?

No, no, no.

Apparently, we're not

contagious anymore,

so the clinic just

sent somebody over

to give us

the needle.

Oh, I hope he

was gentle with you.

Oh, yeah.

So anyone else

feeling feverish?

Me, me!

I'm feverish,

itchy.

Oh, boy, I believe

I'm going to be

requiring

immediate medical

attention.

I may even need

to be bedridden

for -- for --

how long have you been

feeling like this?

A couple of days.

I have what

they have.

I'm going to need

what they got.

Hm, well, why don't

you wait for me

in my car?

Why do you have to

give him the shot

in your car?

Oh, no, no, no.

You see a shot

won't cover it.

People who catch the virus

through human exposure,

much harder to cure.

We're going to have to put

him in quarantine for weeks

and put him through a

battery of invasive tests.

Not going to be pretty.

You know, you should

tell them down there

dalton's afraid

of needles.

You might want to go

with suppositories.

[ possum squealing ]

someone doesn't

sound well.

Oh, no, no, no.

That was our possum squeal.

We have a meeting now.

We have to go.

Oh, okay.

Well, thanks

for everything.

Harold?

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

I'm healthy as a horse,

stubborn as a mule

and hoping to be

happy as a rabbit.

And the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself,

and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down, guys.

You got to sit down.

Hurry up and sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

Okay, men,

the disease is cured,

the itchiness is

completely gone,

except for dalton who you

can see is a late scratch.

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