The Party Boat Sank/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: Sure, we all

have worries and troubles

and things

that are wrong with the world,

but it's time to put

trivial things

like meaning and relevance

aside.

It's time you join us

here at possum lodge

for a simpler time,

with simpler people --

especially dwayne.

Wa-a-a!

And now it's my pleasure

to introduce

the star of the show

and my uncle,

which nobody can do

anything about.

I'm very happy to say that much.

It gives me comfort.

Here he is, the star of "the red

green show," mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you, and, uh,

welcome to possum lodge.

For those of you

who have never met harold,

save yourselves

while there's still time.

Harold, uh, actually controls

a lot of the technical stuff

on the show here.

That's through the -- the magic

of digital electronics,

such as the following.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

Harold is responsible

for the look of the show.

I don't know who's responsible

for the look of harold.

Maybe doofuses 'r' us.

I-I dress like you

so we look alike.

We look alike?

I'd better see

an orthodontist.

It gives us a lodge look.

It's cool!

Well, it leaves me cold, but not

as cold as I was last night.

I'll tell you, after dinner,

moose thompson

got into one of those moods

where he stands

in the middle of the floor

and does things with eggs.

And, uh,

after they had all broke, uh,

well, you know, the ball started

rolling and so on.

We all ended up down at the dock

playing bobbing for surprises,

where everybody

drops their pants

and tries to guess

the temperature of the lake.

I'll tell you, buster hadfield

came that close.

And a bunch of us went out

on the lodge party boat,

which is a vessel

we made ourselves

out of stuffs the garbageman

wouldn't take.

Uh, it's kind of like a chinese

junk without the word "chinese."

you guys are crazy

to go out on that thing.

It's not seaworthy.

It's not even noteworthy.

Well, I think the problem

was that where most people fill

their pontoons with air

or -- or styrofoam

or tennis balls,

uh, our pontoons

were full of water,

which apparently doesn't float.

It mixes.

I'm just saying,

I figure you guys are very lucky

that none of you drowned

when that pontoon of -- of death

decided to sink.

Yeah, well, uh,

the nonswimmers were okay,

because, uh, they had the fear

and the adrenaline,

which allowed them to realize

that we were only

in 5 feet of water...

Whereas the swimmers

just had their heads down.

They were just, uh, you know,

stroking for shore,

which, uh, is not that easy

when your pants pockets

are full of catfish

and your flannelette buttonholes

are snagging on the bottom.

No more floating parties,

huh?

It's a dark day

for the brewery.

Wa-a-a-a!

Anyway, uh, we got a great show

for you tonight,

so, uh, let's just get

that started, harold.

You know, we may be

the only lodge in the world

that has a party submarine.

[ keyboard clacking ]

oh, glen!

How are things

down at your marina?

Your boat-servicing,

boat-repairing marina?

Uh, what?

Fine, douglas, I guess.

Uh, I didn't actually open

today.

No.

I was out pricing a new r.V.

Yep. Thinking of going

to the 30-footer.

[ chuckles ]

yeah, 6 extra feet,

double air.

Heaven on wheels.

Glen, do you remember

working on our pontoon boat

this spring?

The lodge party boat.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, sure.

You don't see two of those

in a lifetime.

It's at the bottom

of possum lake.

Oh.

Oh, gonna try to collect

from the insurance company,

are we?

Good thinking, dougie.

No, no.

We're going to collect

from you.

Excuse me?

Well, it's your fault.

You were supposed to fix

the holes in the pontoons.

Why do you think stinky peterson

brought it to your marina?

Well, nobody told me that.

I thought

it fell off the garbage scow.

I seem to remember writing you

a check for...$50.

What was that about?

Storage.

Sure.

I should have charged him

more.

The smell coming out of that

bilge was bad for my business.

We thought you had fixed

the patches in the pontoons.

But as far as I'm concerned,

you're responsible,

and you're going to have to

make good on it.

What is he

talking about?

Liability, glenno.

Oh, yeah.

Used to see this kind of thing

all the time

when I was doing paralegal work

for the d.A.'s office.

Wow! Is there anything

you haven't done, doc?

How about tell the truth?

Okay, fine.

Fine, douglas.

Suit yourself.

I was just trying to be

of help here.

You know, I could prosecute

this case

on, uh, real

and implied liability...

With all the tenets and caveats

associated thereto,

which interrupted our party

in the first part,

hereafter referred to

as the "picnic."

but, uh, suit yourself.

It's your caveat.

Wow. Boy.

A lawyer and a doctor.

You must have been in school

a long time.

32 years, harold.

I think

waiting for a point

would be a poor investment

of our time.

So why don't we try and reach

an amicable way

to settle this, hmm?

I'm pretty amicable

to the way it's been settled,

douglas.

Uh, no, glen.

I think, uh, douglas

is trying to say

that the party boat went down

and it was your fault

and we'd like you

to pay for it.

I mean, unless you have

some other idea.

Well, yeah.

Sure, actually.

Firstly,

not my fault.

Secondly, you're all lucky

to be alive.

And thirdly,

I think we should start thinking

about a dry-dock party boat.

A lot less dangerous.

Like -- like what?

Oh, I don't know.

How about a 24-foot r.V.,

huh?

Park it

right down by the water.

Yeah. I was thinking

of trading up, anyway.

We can't afford an r.V.!

Oh, that's what I thought.

That's what I thought.

But they financed me

over 35 years.

All you guys have to do

is pick up the last 27 years

of payments.

Well, high finance

is a little over my threshold

of boredom.

Oh, something

we might think about

is -- is raising the party boat

up off the bottom.

You know, like --

like fishing for moby dick.

Call me ishmael.

I, uh, had a similar sort

of experience,

uh, raising the titanic.

Perhaps you read

the book.

Yeah, well, we decided we'd try

to fool her off the bottom

by filling her with air.

Luckily,

they had you along.

I like the r.V. Concept.

Mm-hmm.

I'm not going to let it go

at this, glen.

You'll be hearing

from our lawyer.

Will you be at the marina

this afternoon, glen?

I didn't

mean you!

Whoo-hoo.

He's changing lawyers

already.

That's a bad sign.

[ drum and guitar playing ]

♪ late last night,

there was a knock on my door ♪

♪ it was

a bunch of aliens ♪

♪ many of whom

I'd never seen before ♪

♪ they looked like us, but they

didn't ask me for money ♪

♪ and that's

how I knew they were aliens ♪

red: This week

on the "handyman corner,"

I'm gonna show you how to make

a sou'wester for up north

designed by a guy

from down east.

And the first thing you need

is a couple of these, uh, vinyl,

uh, plastic tablecloths.

And the second thing you need

is, uh, one

of these electric glue guns.

So I'll just plug this in here.

If you don't, uh...

If you don't have

one of these glue guns,

by golly,

they are a terrific investment.

Uh, they -- they spew out

a kind of a real hot,

sticky glue,

and you can use them

to caulk around a window,

say, if you never wanted

to open that window again.

Or you can use them

for decorating cakes, you know.

Or, you know, you can just take

the glue right out of there

and it makes

a dandy little soldering iron.

It's also --

if you got good handwriting,

uh, you can use them

to brand cattle.

The only downside is they take

a little while to heat up.

[ sizzles ]

ow!

All right.

Uh, I guess it's ready.

Uh, so now we just, uh, put

a glue stick in the end there

and load her up.

And, uh, we're ready

to start gluing.

And it just comes out real easy.

What's -- what's wrong?

Oh, no.

That's...

That's a piece of chalk.

Glue sticks, glue sticks.

Here they are,

here they are.

[ clattering ]

oh.

That always happens.

Well, here's one.

Okay. So we stick the --

stick the glue stick in there,

and then you just give it

a little squeeze and -- oh.

Oh.

I'll --

all right.

Well, uh,

I'll clean that up later.

Okay, uh, the next thing

you want to do

is you want to spread the, uh...

Spread one of the tablecloths

out on the floor.

And, uh,

you want to lie down on it

and, uh, trace around yourself.

[ grunts ]

spread your arms out.

And this is something that may

seem a little bit awkward,

but it's not that hard to do.

Okay.

You just start --

just trace right around.

Should make a mark.

Oh, that's a glue stick.

There we go.

Scared me for a minute there.

Just mark right around yourself.

And, uh,

it's an unusual talent,

but it can come in handy

if you ever get shot.

And, uh, you know, leave a --

leave a little bit of extra room

so the raincoat

doesn't fit too tight.

Sorry about the view.

Go right up over your head.

And leave space for your hand.

Yeah.

So there -- you're done.

And there's basically my shape.

Boy, I could -- I could stand

to lose a little weight there.

Anyway, now,

well, you cut that out,

and then you put that on top

of the other, uh, plastic sheet,

and that becomes your form,

and then you've got

your raincoat under way.

Okay, now, you can just cut

along the chalk line

using, uh, a pair of scissors

or tin snips.

Or if everybody's borrowed

all your stuff

and never brought it back,

you may have to use

some, uh, tree-pruning shears.

All right.

We're through there.

And once you've done that,

you can, uh, start sewing the

coat together with the glue gun.

Uh, just be sure

that you leave the bottom open

where your legs

are gonna stick out

and, uh, leave the ends

of the sleeves open

where your hands come through.

And, uh, you go right up

around the head, though.

Another thing, too, is just be

careful you don't, uh,

glue the coat to the floor

or yourself to the coat

or the coat to, say, the table.

Or, more importantly,

that you don't glue any

of your really important body

parts to the actual glue gun.

I managed to find, uh,

bernice's, uh, sewing scissors,

which I'm using to cut a hole

for the face.

♪ button up your overcoat ♪

you know, what I've done here

is I've added a couple

of accessories

to kind of enhance the look

and to make the functionality

just that much more.

Uh, I think the pieces of inner

tube I'm using as epaulettes

give it kind of a naval look,

I think.

I've used, uh, some cupboard

handles out of the kitchen

to spruce her up a little bit.

And then you've got the sandwich

bags here for pockets.

Gonna keep your car keys fresh.

It's kind of a --

kind of a unisex design.

I mean, a man or a woman

could wear this,

and you'd have no idea

what it was.

And then you've got

the pride factor, too,

of knowing

that you made this yourself.

This is a one-off.

So remember -- if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I'm sweating like a pig

in this thing.

"it is spring, trout season.

"you wade into the stream

waist-high.

"you feel water

run down your legs.

"there's a hole

in your hip waders...

You hope."

so, anyway, uh,

douglas is pretty upset

about, uh,

glen's lack of interest

in the party-boat schemozzle.

And when douglas gets mad,

he's kind of like a terrier,

especially with that short hair

of his and his funny ears.

Now, old man sedgwick says he

thinks we should buy the r.V.,

but moose thompson says,

"no, no, no.

"if you're gonna have

a party boat,

it should be a boat

of some kind."

what he wants to do is just rip

the dock right off the cribbing

and lay it across 40 canoes.

But then you really have to

catch moose before noon

if you hope to get

any sense out of him.

I don't understand why you

just can't have the parties

up at the lodge,

on terra firma, as it were.

What's the big deal

about a party boat?

Wa-a-a!

Well, harold, there's

a historical significance

to a floating celebration.

You know, it hearkens back

to the time

of, say, like cleopatra or --

or moses

or -- or even the crew

of the exxon valdez.

Anyway, douglas is -- is so mad

at glen that he's talking

about taking our lodge-boat

business elsewhere.

Oh, so...Glen's got

the only marina on the lake.

Where are we gonna get

our boats repaired?

The bakery?

Wa-a-a!

Don't be surprised

if you see douglas

opening a new marina

right here on possum lake.

Oh, that'll be great

for the environment.

More leaky gas pumps.

Well, there's no fire hazard,

harold.

Uh, the gas goes

right into the lake.

Oh, oh, oh.

Okay, then.

Oh, yeah.

That's perfect, uncle red.

Wa-a-a!

Is this where the party boat

sank, uh, doc?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You see that, uh -- that red,

green, and blue glow?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The patio lanterns

are still lit down there.

Yeah, and you can see

the outline of the boat, too.

Yeah.

Kind of looks like

a blurry christmas tree.

Hey, this is great,

fellas.

You know, smallmouth bass

go crazy for bright colors.

Oh, yeah.

You guys ever use a rainbow

for bait?

You mean a -- you mean

a rainbow trout, don't you?

Yeah, yeah.

A rainbow trout.

[ laughs ]

eh, it doesn't matter, anyway,

I guess.

Drop anchor here, harold.

And mind you don't hit

none of those band instruments

down there, all right?

Oh, there you go again

with the noise.

Oh, boy.

You know, it's, uh -- it's not

very far down there, doc.

We could maybe raise her up.

What do you think?

Oh, dangerous, red.

Very dangerous.

Yeah?

Yeah, one of us would have to

go diving down there,

and there's a good chance

we'd get the folds.

The folds?

You mean the bends,

don't you?

No.

No, no, no.

Your folds are what you get

in your freshwater.

They're far worse.

[ chuckles ]

I've never even heard

of the folds, doc.

Oh, well, it happened to me.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I don't like to talk

about it much.

Oh, good.

That was

a number of years back,

back when I was leading that,

uh -- that expedition

to raise that spanish galleon

off of bermuda.

Remember?

I don't remember.

But are you telling me

you went treasure hunting?

Did you find, uh,

pirate treasure there?

Well, if I did, red,

you think I'd be

hanging around the lodge now?

Ah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

I don't get it.

Bass usually love to nest

in barbecues.

What kind of --

what kind of treasure

were you looking for?

Anything in particular?

Oh, pirate's gold.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Pieces of 64.

Oh?

That's pieces of eight

squared.

Yeah.

Yeah, the spanish treasure ship

santa saint nicko.

Went off course on lake erie

and sank.

I thought you said

it was bermuda.

Did I not say

she went off course, red?

Oh.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Well, something

a little special this week

on "adventures with bill."

we're gonna go sailing.

He brought the sailing bags

down there.

Gonna get the sails out

and get out on the wide-open...

Feathers there.

Oh, that's not a sail bag.

That's his pillow from camp.

Now, here's a --

here's a proper sail bag.

And, uh, starts taking the sail

out there.

And, you know,

it's folded a certain way

so that it all kind of

comes out,

'cause some of these sails

are, uh --

they can get pretty big on you.

Yeah.

Well, you figure, you know,

that's the only power

for the boat.

So, you know, you're gonna

expect the sail to be,

you know, pretty decent --

pretty decent in size.

That would probably be about it

there, I would think.

Yeah, that will be it.

Uh, no, no, no.

There's a bit more.

This is a pretty big, uh...

This is a pretty big sail

he's got there.

How are we gonna get that --

well, you know, golly.

[ laughs ]

yeah, there's a lot of work

involved with sailing, you know,

when you get these big sails all

kind of rigged and everything.

And, anyway,

so now bill's gonna --

oh!

Oh, bill.

Bill, bill, bill, bill, bill.

Step one is to close the hatch.

You know.

You okay, there, bill?

Yep, he's fine.

So, now this is called, uh...

I think it's called a halyard

or something.

You hook that on to the sail.

What he did was he

hooked it right through

his suspender there.

See that? Of course, none of us

knew that, and I was just --

I had my head down.

I'm pulling up on him.

And I didn't -- I didn't know.

It's not really my fault,

I don't think,

because he told me, "just pull."

and then I look up, and, uh,

of course, there he is up there.

Oh, down he comes.

Yeah, no problem.

All right.

So, now he's, uh,

trying to rig -- rig the sail.

And it was a windy day,

you know?

And the thing with this is that

that thing's moving around,

and I've heard of people, uh,

sometimes getting hit with that

and what have you.

But bill seemed to have

the problem down.

At least I thought

he thought he had it down.

You know, I always assume

bill knows what he's doing.

I'm -- I'm, uh...

I think -- I think that's kind

of foolish on my part.

Aah!

Oh, boy.

And, of course, by now,

I had the motor going, too.

So, uh,

this was fun for me,

'cause actually, I, uh --

you know, in all the years

that I've done the powerboating

and what have you, uh...

Even rowing the odd canoe

when I had to, uh...

I never had done any sailing.

So, uh, this was real fun

for me.

And, of course, my attention was

drawn completely to the sails,

and I really wasn't noticing

that I had a bit of a tow-away.

So, uh, anyway,

douglas has got doc and stinky

all hepped up about,

uh, opening this marina.

Stinky's gonna pump gas

and clean out the bilges,

and that should eliminate

all but the most desperate

customers.

I mean, nobody browses when

stinky's behind the counter.

And, uh, moose has offered

to run the dolphin show.

But like I said,

if it's after noon,

you really have to take moose

with a grain of aspirin.

Excuse me, but does it

not matter that douglas nor doc

nor stinky have any marina

knowledge or business acumen?

Is that a consideration

at all?

Well, it's not really a complex

situation here, harold.

I mean, you just sell people

stuff

for more than

it cost you.

Yes, but we won't be able to get

any service.

We don't get any now.

Okay.

All right.

Well, what's the sense

of having, like,

two useless marinas?

At least

you have a choice.

[ screeching ]

oh, that's the sound

of the meeting.

We got to go, uncle red.

Time to go.

Well, uh,

this won't take long.

You know, it doesn't, uh...

It doesn't take men long

to make a decision.

It's making a decision

look smart that takes the time.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching continues ]

all rise.

[ conversation stops ]

all:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

The floor recognizes

douglas hendrychuck.

Thank you, red.

Well, everyone, I'm delighted

to report that stinky and I

are ready to open

the possum lake marina.

Now, we've bought

a 40-foot floating dock

and a 2-inch

monkey wrench.

[ thud ]

[ cheering ]

well, as the owner

of the only marina in the area,

I got to say that this lake

won't support two marinas.

So, uh, which doesn't matter

to me,

as long as you guys buy

my r.V.

And then I can buy a new one

and get out of here.

So if you'll support, uh,

my proposition r.V.

And just vote yes.

Nice sign there, glen.

Thanks, red.

Made her myself.

Beauty.

Well, I-I vote yes.

We need

a new dry-dock party boat.

An r.V. Is an excellent

investment, fellas, too.

Long as you don't drive it.

Well, luckily,

we can't afford an r.V.,

because I had the good sense

to empty the lodge treasury

when we purchased

the floating dock, doc.

[ indistinct shouting ]

and the wrench, too.

Don't forget.

I gave him a good deal

on the wrench.

Well, we needed

a wrench.

Well, now,

just wait a minute.

Just one second here.

You spent lodge money

on that?

We're trying to get

a new party boat,

not to get into

the marina business.

This is way out of whack

here.

Too late now.

Too late now.

The die is cast.

That floating dock is ours.

[ murmuring ]

all in favor of me

smacking douglas, say aye.

Aye.

Aye. Aye.

Motion carried.

Now, hold on a second.

Hold on, hold on.

What about this,

everybody?

We scrap

the whole marina idea

and just take

the floating dock back?

[ indistinct shouting ]

uh, wait a minute, fellas.

Uh, red, I-I bought that dock

from murray's store.

[ groaning ]

all:

"no refund, no exchange.

That's our policy."

okay, okay, okay.

Why don't we keep

the floating dock

and use that

as our new party boat?

[ cheering ]

I'll tell you -- we can tie it

up to moose thompson.

That way, it won't drift.

Wa-a-a!

All those in favor

of doing that, say aye.

Aye!

Aye! Aye!

Okay.

Motion carried.

So, if there's

no further lodge business,

got a real treat for you

tonight.

Uh, glen has managed to get

a mint copy of a great movie,

"the guns of navarone."

ooh!

I love that!

[ applause ]

boom!

Boom! Boom!

Actually, there was a bit

of a problem

with

"the guns of navarone."

it was already out.

But, uh, as a substitute,

uh, I got some --

I got some slides --

some new slides

that I just got back,

so...

Well, I'm glad we'll be getting

a new, uh, party boat,

and things

can get back to normal.

Well, normal for the lodge.

It's amazing what's important

as you get older, isn't it?

I guess it's important

for lodge members

to be out on the water

a fair bit.

Think of us as floaters.

That's what plumbers

would call us.

Anyway, uh,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I'll have a bite

of whatever you leave me

on the kitchen table,

and then I'll climb the stairs.

And if there's nothing on the

table, I'll run up the stairs.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

so it's good for cutting along

a hill, the guy told me.

Yeah,

he just mentioned it.

Grab a seat there,

red.

Okay.

That's the last.

Very dense bush right there.

That's dense, dense bush.

Right against the road.

Surprised me.

The department

of highways --

that's who

this guy works for here --

they only go back 30 feet

from the edge of the road.

Yeah, 30 feet.

That's all.

[ projector clicks ]

oh. [ laughs ]

there we go.

There's breakfast,

huh?

Isn't that a fine-looking --

look at that there.

That's, uh --

that's your, uh,

grilled cheese sandwich. Yeah.

Grilled cheese sandwich

with lots of big --

those big, thick fries,

the real potatoes.