Fuel Conversion/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold: Now here's a man whose

heart is big as all outdoors,

and his other internal organs

are just as enormous.

The star of our show --

mr. Red green!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Thank you very much.

Certainly hope you weren't

eating dinner during that intro.

Uncle red,

that's shock television.

That grabs

the audience's attention.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a-a!

You see,

that's what this show needs,

is pace, action,

and movement.

Visual dynamics --

pan in, pan out,

dolly, tracking, trucking.

[ chuckles ]

harold!

Speaking of action

and trucking,

moose thompson decided

to wash his truck this week.

And he likes to use

possum lake water

'cause we got so much

soap residue in there,

it makes its own suds.

Sometimes it even leaves a nice

layer of wax on your fenders.

It can oil

your door hinges, too.

It's really good.

Yeah, if it would wrap things

in a layer of duct tape,

I'd throw you in there,

harold.

So, anyway, moose put his truck

right down on the dock,

which I thought

was a little foolish

'cause that dock

is not very level.

I've seen flatter

roller coasters.

Yeah.

Well, moose thought about it,

so he got some logs

to put, you know, in front of

the wheels so she wouldn't roll.

Unfortunately, he took the logs

out of the dock cribbing,

so the whole thing

kind of collapsed on him.

Well, you know,

life's like that, isn't it?

Well, yours is.

So, what are you gonna do now?

We have to have a dock.

Well, we're gonna build

a new dock, harold.

We've already got

a brand-new crib foundation,

formerly known

as moose's truck.

And I would say

by sundown tonight,

the guys are gonna go out

and scavenge lumber,

and we'll have enough

for a brand-new wooden dock.

And everyone else

who lives around the lake

is gonna be missing wood

from their dock.

Well, that's just

part of the price

of having a cottage

up here.

♪ when the night gets lonely

and the road seems long ♪

♪ it's good for your soul

to just burst out in song ♪

♪ and the lousier

the singer ♪

♪ the louder the song ♪

♪ 'cause if you sing

loud enough ♪

♪ maybe the audience will think

it's the band that's wrong ♪

red:

This week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

what you can do with

all that copper pipe and stuff

you got leaning up

against the house

since that time the bathroom

blew up when we showed you

how to clean ceramic tiles

with nitroglycerin.

Now, with most of the projects

up here at the lodge,

the key is never throw

anything out.

Which is also a philosophy

that saves a lot of marriages.

If you don't happen to have

any copper pipe at your place,

uh, surely there must be

a construction site nearby.

And, remember, the moon

doesn't shine every night.

But talk is cheap.

Let's build.

Step one is you got to take

all the pipes apart

and get all the fittings

off them and so on.

So you got to heat them up

to do that,

and I suggest you use one of

these household propane units.

Turn her up full.

Get the flame really going

on her there.

But I'm gonna use the slow way

and heat this all up.

The idea is you're gonna melt

all the solder in there,

and she'll just, uh --

just pop apart on you.

And...

Oh, boy.

No, no.

Okay, no problem.

No problem.

[ clicks ]

[ sighs ]

uh, harold,

call the fire department.

Hopefully by the time they get

here, it'll be worth coming.

All right, so, uh,

now we just take the pipe.

[ sizzles ]

ohh!

I should say, the red-hot pipe.

And, uh, we drop that

into water.

And when that thing hits

the water,

those joints will just pop

right open

like a sunfish

on a tennis racket.

[ steam hissing ]

oh, boy.

Okay, yeah, maybe we should have

let that just cool down a tad

before we popped it in there.

[ siren wails in distance ]

all right, uh, this is gonna

take a little while,

so why don't we just get on

with the show?

And, uh, I'm gonna come back

a little bit later.

I'm gonna show you

how to make all of this pipe

into a really unusual chair.

And don't worry.

I'll get these fittings apart.

[ clears throat ]

and now it's

that part of the show

where we expose

the three little words

that men find so hard to say --

"I don't know."

wa-a-a.

And here to prove

that point

on "the experts" portion

of the show

is, of course, my uncle red

and his good friend --

oh -- mr. Glen braxton.

Wa-a-a!

All righty, here we go.

Letter number one.

"dear experts,

I'm a bit overweight,

but, then, who isn't?"

oh, I'm not.

Not me.

I got big bones.

That's all that is.

Yeah, it goes on.

"I'm interested

in shedding a few pounds.

"what would you say

is the fastest, easiest way

to lose weight?"

good question.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Actually,

my three oldest girls

are always on some sort

of diet or something,

and I don't know why,

though.

I mean,

you've seen them.

They're not really overweight

at all, are they?

No.

No, no.

They're slender.

They're slender.

They're svelte.

They're svelte, yeah.

Oh, your oldest daughter,

she's like christina applegate

and michelle pfeiffer

and cindy crawford

all just rolled into one.

Boy, you know, harold,

I could introduce you two.

No, thanks, though.

I mean, you know, she --

wa-a-a-a.

She's right out of my league,

you know.

[ chuckles ]

she's much bigger --

older than, uh --

it's not just right.

You know, she did

say that she had a

little crush on you.

[ chuckles ]

oh, yeah?

Yeah.

A crush, harold.

Think about it.

All right, mr. Braxton,

what about the diets?

You were saying?

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, uh, my motto is,

watch what you eat, you know?

What I mean, is, uh --

well, you got to cut out things.

You got to cut out cookies.

You got to cut out ice cream.

You got to cut out danish,

pastry, pies.

Pies.

You know --

you know, those pumpkin pies,

you know,

right around thanksgiving,

they're loaded up

with whipped cream, you know.

They're just nice ones.

They're just right there

at the dinner table.

And they got a cherry on it,

you know?

And cherry crumble pie.

My oldest daughter, lisa,

makes this cherry crumble pie.

I swear it's that thick,

and it's got just stuff

falling off the top.

But you're just looking at it,

and, man, it's just -- oh!

[ shudders ]

that's the stuff.

I hope that answers

your question, viewer.

Whoo.

I'm hungry.

Yeah.

"it is autumn.

"hunting season.

"in the scrub,

a nervous creature cowers,

"eyes wide with fear.

"trembling, lost, afraid.

"jumping at every sound.

But mother is always twitchy

on opening day."

and there we go.

Now, uh, she's probably gonna

leak a little bit, you know,

but it's a lawn chair,

so it just becomes

a lawn chair/sprinkler.

Then you hook

your garden hose up there

to the inlet

up in the top corner.

And, uh, oh, don't forget

your water safety.

And then what you do

is you use this valve here

to bleed all the air out of her.

[ air hissing ]

and once she's full

of cold water,

by golly, you're gonna be cool

as a cucumber all summer long.

Or, you know, if you live

next door to a brewery,

you could just run the hose

into one of them big beer vats

of theirs.

[ beer pouring ]

ein prosit.

Ah, this is living.

[ pop ]

[ hissing ]

yeah, beer will do that to you.

[ electricity crackles ]

oops!

Red: Buzz?

Oh, red, man,

how's it going?

Uh, not bad.

I-I-I need some 6-inch spikes

for building the new dock,

and harold here has run

the possum van right out of gas,

which means I can't get any

till I have some.

When is somebody around here

gonna have the brains

to put the gas station

at the bottom of the hill?

Well, that's no sweat, man,

'cause I can fly you into town.

Would you do that for me,

buzz?

Hey, red, you know me.

All I need to fly

is a good excuse.

Yeah, and you need

a pilot's license, too, right?

Not if you got

a really good excuse,

like, um, if the cops

pull us over,

we'll just tell them your wife's

going into labor or something

and she's having, like, triplets

or something.

But before we go,

you got to help me install

my new control panel,

okay?

So, here -- hold this.

Yeah, all right.

I need four holes here,

you see?

Whoa, man.

I need one for the compass.

Ohh!

And one for the altimeter.

Ohh!

And one for the tachometer.

Ohh!

And this one's

for the ashtray.

Ohh!

Great.

Now, instruments.

We need instruments.

Can't go flying

without instruments.

No.

Let's rock 'n' roll.

Uh, buzz, shouldn't those

be hooked up to something?

No, you see, you only need these

in the plane, right,

in case the cops

pull you over.

Oh.

Buzz, buzz?

Yeah?

How do cops pull you over

when you're flying in a plane?

With guns.

You know what?

I just had an idea.

Um, instead of me

going to town,

what about harold here go

with you, and then I can stay

and supervise the new cribbing

for the dock, you know?

Yeah, okay, but I don't want him

throwing up

on my windshield

like he did last time.

Just fly low, and if he has

his helmet on backwards,

I think he'll be fine.

Oh, okay, all right.

Let's go, h-- harold?

Harold?

Harold?

Where'd the doofus go?

Harold?

Harold!

Come on, harold,

go with the nice man.

Well, our new dock is up,

and we got a whole lot of wood

left over.

Mind you, there isn't a

telephone pole or a railway tie

within 20 miles of the lodge.

And stinky peterson was going

over to that construction site

across the street, you know,

while the guys were on lunch.

He's gonna try

and get some planks,

you know,

for the top of the dock.

But I think the foreman

kind of knew he was coming,

'cause he'd put an 8-foot fence

around the whole yard.

So, now the dock is 8 feet wide.

And we got enough wood left over

to build ourselves a pier,

a wharf, and a jetty.

Excuse me, uncle red,

but aren't those just fancy

names for, you know, "dock"?

Yeah, but we already have

a dock.

Actually,

that's kind of dumb.

We don't need

any more docks,

and we only have

three and a half boats.

Uncle red, I know what we can do

with the extra wood.

I know what we can do.

You know what we can do?

We could build

a brand-new television studio.

That's what we could do!

We could build

a brand-new television studio,

and that way,

we could do the show properly.

Wa-a-a-a!

Right? Right?

Yeah, that's a good idea,

harold.

Then we could hire

a proper producer and director.

[ laughs ]

you know what I --

you know what I was saying?

Forget it.

Just forget what I said.

Because that'd be silly

to do that.

Forget it completely.

A wooden studio?

You know, hello!

Nobody's there

I don't think.

The acoustics

would be terrible.

You know, and the termites.

You know, the sap dripping off.

Forget it.

[ chuckles ]

I'm sure you can think

of something else

to make with the wood.

We have, harold --

smoke.

You're gonna burn it?

You're gonna --

that's such a waste.

Uncle red,

waste not, want not.

Harold,

want not, you not.

With all this talk

these days about,

you know,

converting to alternate fuels

and being conscious of

the environment and everything,

what we're gonna do is we're

gonna convert all our vehicles

to run on firewood.

W-woodburning cars.

Yes, sirree,

poppy cocktails.

Picture this one,

harold --

dual overhead

potbellied stoves.

Dougie franklin says

we're probably looking at

50 miles to a log.

And with the railway ties

in there, you get the creosote,

gonna lubricate

your transmission.

I don't think that's gonna work,

uncle red, really.

You want to bet, harold?

No, I don't want to bet.

10 bucks, harold.

10 bucks.

It's not gonna work.

No, no.

Harold, put your money

where your mouth is --

not that you have

that much money.

All right, I'm in.

10 bucks.

Okay, okay, all right.

You know, if this woodburning

thing works out,

I think we could be expecting

a call from the gas companies

and the oil companies

on this baby.

If it doesn't,

I think we can expect a call

from the fire department.

[ chuckles ]

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ the moon

has magical powers ♪

♪ to make things change in their

appearance and personality ♪

♪ when the moon shines through

the limbs of the maple tree ♪

♪ it can turn an admirer

into a werewolf and vice versa ♪

[ howls ]

♪ oh, the moon is a mystery

with magical powers ♪

♪ that's for sure,

we know that ♪

♪ that's true,

we know that ♪

♪ but hanging a moon out of

the rear window of a '74 chev ♪

♪ doesn't turn it into

a lunar module ♪

red: Well, I was out

the back of the lodge,

just working on an old paddle.

Well, it's time

for "adventures with bill."

anyways, this was handed down

to me by my great-great-grand--

oh, boy, bill.

Oh, yeah,

bill had brought some traps.

These things, I'll tell you,

scare the heck out of me.

But he wanted to show us

how you go trapping with these.

And then he --

bill, bill, bill!

Bill, that's an heirloom.

It is now kindling.

Thank you.

Anyway, he goes out there,

and he says, you know,

if you have a trap like that,

you got to -- you got to dig

a little hole for it.

Because if it was just up on top

of the ground -- oh, oh, oh.

If it's just sitting

on top of the ground,

of course,

the animals are gonna see it.

You mark that there.

Well, that's a good idea.

We'll use that as a marker

to tell us where we're gonna --

where we're gonna bury the trap.

So, he digs a hole deep enough

that the trap will go in there

and actually be below ground

level so you can't even --

even if you're lying down

on your side,

you couldn't see this thing.

Oh, boy,

that's a scary item there.

Now he puts all the little bits

of twigs.

I'm helping him out here

the best I can, you know.

We're covering it up

so you'd never, ever know.

And I think the pole

is a terrific idea there

'cause it kind of marks --

at least to me.

To bill, it wasn't, you know,

but to me, I was using that

as kind of a marker as to --

bill found a carrot there,

which is an idea.

You can use that to kind of

bait another type of trap.

But, of course, again,

with the pole, I was --

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Now, I'm questioning,

why would you move?

Why would you move?

But he said, "well, okay,

if you're upset about it,

I'll move it back."

that's not good enough, bill.

Aah!

So, now it's a different type

of trap here.

This is one where you just have

a box leaning on a board.

That's about it.

And then, oh, yeah, got to put

some bait in there,

so he's got some celery

and some of those carrots.

Put that in there.

Now, he's got a string attached

to the board, you see,

so that's the idea.

Now, this is not the best view

of bill that you'll ever get,

but...

Whoa!

Funny how things work out.

So, anyway, now we're just

sitting there,

waiting for something

to come along

to get the carrots and

the celery and what have you.

We got to be very quiet now,

sit very still.

Shh!

Yeah, all right, bill,

all right, all right, all right.

[ crunch loudly ]

oof!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, look.

Oh, oh.

Must be getting close to easter.

He's going in there,

and he gets inside,

and bill gives it a yank.

Oh!

Oh. Oh, boy.

And off he goes with the carrot.

Wow.

So, we got to go check this out

and try to figure out exactly

how is this box defying

the law of gravity.

So, bill goes just to

club the darn thing

before he gets too far.

[ bear trap closes ]

yeah, that's right.

That's where that snare was,

bill.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh!

Look what I caught here.

Ohh!

I don't want to clean this one.

And now here's harold

reaching out to today's youth...

While today's youth reaches out

to the channel changer.

Wa-a-a!

Welcome to a brand-new feature

on "the red green show"

entitled...

Wa-a-a.

I'm harold green,

film aficionado and cinemaholic

and, by happy chance,

a director myself.

[ chuckles ]

okay.

Cut the music

and cut the credit cues!

Zoom in!

Wa-a-a!

When film historians

name-drop great film directors

of the 20th century,

they oftentimes mention people

like john ford,

william wyler, david lean,

and one young prodigy who has

redefined the cinematic medium,

even though, you know, he hasn't

really directed a feature film

or people won't even let him,

like, near a camera.

But anyway,

like stanley kubrick,

he's able to find

those interesting angles.

[ chuckles ]

cut to camera 2!

Where's camera 2?

Oh. [ chuckles ]

and like capra, he's able

to get the most exciting

and electrifying performance

out of each and every player.

And like truffaut, he's able

to embellish each scene

with only his special touches.

[ crunching ]

[ chuckles ]

and like preston sturges, he's

able to let a scene play on.

[ chuckles ]

harold, you'll never work

in this town again!

And like hitchcock, he knows

exactly when to yell, "cut!"

cut.

Hap, can you give me a lift

into town?

Your van not working, red?

Let me guess --

dougie franklin's replaced

the motor with a woodstove.

No, no, no.

The van's

out of commission

'cause somebody stole

the right front tire.

You don't say.

Oh, yeah.

Goodyear, whitewall,

75r14.

Good tire.

Well, I guess I can see my way

clear to giving you a lift.

Maybe you'll do something for me

later on.

What are you going into town

for?

Well,

a tire and some matches

for our alternative-fuel

woodstove-project thing.

Ah, tricky things,

alternative fuels.

And I remember the problems

we had back in the '50s,

when I worked on

the atomic buick.

Hap,

did you say "atomic buick"?

[ engine shuts off ]

a proton-powered 4-door sedan

for the nuclear family.

No pistons.

No pollution.

No oil to change.

I designed

the transmission.

Einstein designed

the engine.

And a woman named enola gay

designed the exhaust system.

I never heard

of an atomic buick.

Why would you?

We, uh, didn't get it past

the prototype stage.

In second gear,

the atomic reactor --

or what we called the atomic

pile -- would overheat

and backfire a mushroom cloud

that'll flatten a city block.

Boy, I guess that would put

an end to tailgaters.

Yes, sir,

but it was a safe car.

Solid lead.

And instead of headlights,

red,

I designed it so the whole front

of the car glowed.

And fast --

zero to the speed of light

in 14 seconds.

Wow.

That is, uh, hard to believe,

actually.

It's too bad

it didn't work out,

because that car got

800 million miles to the gallon.

But the big oil companies

bought up all the patents

and disbanded

my design team

and melted down the lead

and scrapped the atomic pile.

To this day,

no one knows where that pile is.

I would think you'd be sitting

in it about now.

Well...

That was a good day, you know.

Got ourselves a new dock

and had enough wood left over

to build an outhouse

or a garden shed

or a couple of cathedrals.

And a bit of late-breaking news.

Apparently a couple of railway

tank cars full of propane,

uh, got a little derailed

just down the road here.

Apparently, there was no railway

ties under the track.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah,

the carpenter ants

have been brutal this year,

harold.

Oh, haven't they, though,

uncle red?

[ chuckles ]

your hat's smoking there,

uncle red.

Thanks a lot, harold.

No problem.

Oh!

Oh, the $10.

Oh. [ laughs ]

I forgot

that you owed me $10.

I forgot,

because you were wrong,

and thusly you owed me $10.

For being wrong,

you have to pay me.

But I forgot that,

that you were wrong.

I was right. You were wrong.

It slipped my mind.

But now I'm reminded

by the $10

that you gave me

how wrong you actually were.

It's clear as a bell

how wrong he actually was.

[ screeching ]

well, there's the squeal

of the possum.

I have to go down

to the meeting

and show them how I have

the $10 from you being wrong.

[ laughs ]

I would suggest you don't go to

sleep before me tonight, harold.

Well [sighs] we're not dead

up here at the lodge.

Apparently, the railway company

is not gonna be able to get

those propane cars out of there,

so we're gonna convert all our

vehicles to run on that stuff.

So, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming home

straight after the meeting.

Maybe you could draw me a bath

so I can rinse the ashes

out of my hair

and possibly extinguish

my undershorts here.

And to the rest of you,

on behalf of --

oh, the heck with him.

On behalf of myself

and everybody except harold,

thanks so much for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching ]

all rise. All rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Couple of quick ones

before we start the meeting.