The Day Of The Sunflowers/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

My wife buys a whole whack of

these glossy magazines.

Then she gives them

to me for some reason.

I don't know why.

There's never any

truck pictures

or boats for sale or anything.

What they do have in them

is a bunch of articles

about being sensitive.

I don't wanna be sensitive.

If I was sensitive,

I'd be incredibly depressed.

But there is something of

value in these magazines...

The little scent strips

from all the perfume ads,

you just rip them out

and then what you do is you

duct tape them to the cards

on one of these

rolodex units here.

Every one of these

free perfume samples

goes into your

rolodex machine.

Oh, yeah, sure, it means that

you're not going to be able

to phone anybody

because you're not going

to have their number anymore,

but that's just

a happy side effect,

because what we have now is

an automatic power air

freshener.

Now, you may wonder why I

would need an automatic

power air freshener,

but then you've never smelled

the inside of the possum van

in the middle of July.

[ hacking cough ]

[ sucks in breath ]

right, now what you do --

whew!

Is mount the unit over the

defrost vents on your dash.

You start her up --

now you turn your fan

on full speed

and let the good

smells roll.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, easy, now. Easy!

Thank you very much.

Well, big news at the lodge.

This is beautify possum lake

campaign week.

Oh, yeah, they got

everybody pitching in,

trying to improve the

appearance of their

properties.

Kind of a community

togetherness thing.

A real pain in the neck,

I'll tell you.

If you don't do it you're

looking at $1,000 fine.

You've probably

already guessed

what brilliant mind

was behind this plan, huh?

Uncle red!

[ cheers and applause ]

I'm here for

the $1,000.

Why are you doing

this, harold?

To attract

tourists.

It's all part of our big

campaign to draw people

back to the natural

beauty of the environment.

Visit possum lake,

and answer the call

of nature.

Unfortunately the lodge is

visible from the highway,

so the council says

clean it up or get fined.

Well, I'm way, way,

way ahead of you,

harold.

Excuses?

Know what these are?

They're

sunflower seeds.

I planted them

this morning.

I'm gonna hide the

lodge with sunflowers.

Uncle red,

sunflower seeds don't

grow that fast or

that high.

Well, they can if you

get the right fertilizer.

Winston gave me this

free sample from his

sewage truck.

He got it from the

port asbestos nuclear

waste facility.

Is that safe?

Oh, harold, nuclear

power is our friend.

Anyway, it's not like

I'm gonna put a warhead

on a sunflower

or anything.

Wow!

It's like you can

see them growing.

You can!

You can see

them growing.

Look!

Look, uncle red!

It's like they turn

their faces toward

the sun.

It's like they

have a brain.

No, harold, you don't

need a brain to stand

in the sun.

Look at your tan.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner receives a

coupon for three pairs

of stainless steel underwear.

It's right, it's light,

it doesn't rust

and it's virtually

wedgie proof!

Okay, red, you got

30 seconds

to get winston

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

dalton.

And... Go!

Okay, winston, if something

is in vogue,

it's probably

also in...

Cosmo?

Okay, no, but those

are magazines,

and they got

models in 'em, okay?

What are they

promoting?

Anorexia.

Okay, no, no.

This is a sense.

You don't have it.

But a lot of

people do.

Smell.

Okay, this is something that

helps a person choose what

to wear.

A wife.

Oh, I know.

Europeans are

famous for it.

In fact, there's a french

expression, haute couture.

Armpit hair!

Time's almost up, red.

Oh, come on,

winston.

What do you call

any trend in clothing?

Oh, red, I don't

much follow trends.

You know, I'm true

to myself.

I suck sewage.

I guess I'm

old-fashioned that way.

There we go!

[ ♪ ]

welcome to the expert

portion of the show.

This is where we feature

those three little words

that men find so

hard to say...

Audience:

I don't know!

That's true, because they

don't say it very --

all right, today's

letter reads as follows...

"dear experts --"

la la la la la.

"yesterday was

my wife's birthday.

"ordinarily I would

have gotten her

"some jewellery or perfume,

"but since I'm an

enlightened husband,

"I bought her a 12-inch

reciprocating saw.

"she burst into tears

and locked herself in

the bathroom.

"where did I go wrong?

"should I have bought

her a bigger saw?"

probably not.

Women sometimes cry

when they're happy,

but they never

leave the room.

Sounds to me like you blew

it big time here, buddy.

I concur with

mr. Green.

I've often given

gifts to women,

but if it's not

the correct gift,

or perhaps it was not acquired

in a perfectly legal context,

then there's often a

confrontational aftermath

associated with the

presentation of said gift.

But you know

what I think?

I think women give off lots

of signals as to what it

is they really want.

But if you fail to

pick up on those signals,

it's really your

fault, not hers.

Well, good for you,

harold.

And you know, if I didn't

have a woman in my life,

I'd have lots of

theories too.

I'm just saying

that women say

what they want.

I mean, you have to be able

to listen to those things.

You gotta be

hearing properly.

Sorry, what?

Okay, if you know

so much,

then what's the perfect

gift for aunt bernice?

Well, it's not

that easy, harold.

Ha! Ha!

No, I agree.

I mean, you gotta give a

gift that's nice enough

so that she'll know

that you care for her,

but if you give her

too special a gift,

then she's gonna think

you're covering up

for something you did wrong.

No! No! No!

No, I disagree

with that approach.

No, if you're in a trusting,

honest relationship,

you can be generous

without consequences.

Harold, harold, if

you're in any kind

of relationship,

you can't do anything

without consequences.

I hate

consequences.

Okay, well, I'm going

to have to apologize to

this man who wrote in,

because obviously we can't

agree on anything.

So my suggestion is just

follow with your own heart.

I can't believe it.

You know, I think if I

was married to you guys,

I'd kill myself.

Harold,

you wouldn't have to.

Choosing the

right parking spot

is a fine art, isn't it?

Oh, I know they teach

fine art in university,

but this is the kind

you can actually use.

Now, the main item you're

looking for here

is shade.

It's important to keep your

car as cool as possible,

especially if you

have vinyl seats.

Even more so if you

have black vinyl seats

and you're wearing

a bathing suit,

because skin grafts

can be very expensive.

But you know, you can't always

find a spot under a tree.

So today I'm going to show you

how to protect your vehicle

with something I like

to call portable shade.

Okay, I'm gonna start with a

couple of these retractable

tape measures.

Oh, I know what

you're thinking...

Hey, if this involves

accurate measurement,

count me out.

[ chuckling ]

accurate measurement.

I'll have to

remember that one.

No, no, we're actually going

to use these as simple

mounting units.

What you want to do is to

mount your tape measures

onto your vehicle

just above and in

front of the hood.

And you can use whatever

fastening devices

best suits the look

and style of your car.

Okay, now, I've attached a

couple of old drapery rods

to the top of

the tape measures.

I like using them

because they're flexible,

but they're stiff enough to

stay an inch or so above

the body of the car.

See, that allows

for air flow.

When you get to my age,

air flow is crucial.

By the way, don't let your

wife catch you doing this

with her brand new

drapery rods,

or it'll be

curtains for you.

Okay, now we attach the other

ends of the drapery rods

to this luggage rack.

If you don't

have a luggage rack,

you can take one off

of any british car.

They use 'em to

carry bicycles around

because they're

cars are so useless,

you really gotta

have a backup plan.

Okay, so now all

we need is our shade.

Now, you could go with cloth

drapes or sheet metal

or one of aretha

franklin's dresses,

but I prefer to use something

waterproof and less expensive.

That's right,

shower curtains.

I had to trim these

babies off a little bit,

because they were too long

for the width of the car.

And I added ring holes

to the bottom edge there

so that both sides of

the curtain will be

drawn up evenly

over the car.

I guess you could

call this vehicle

ford of the rings.

[ no audio ]

okay, now, to

automate the unit,

well, that's where my tape

measures come back into play.

I pull out the

tape on both sides,

then attach

the ends of the tapes

to the front edge

of my curtain.

Then all's I gotta do is

lock the recoil switch

on each of 'em,

and we're ready

for a road test.

Who cares about the sun?

Because now when I park

and pull on the hood release,

I got it made in the shade.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you hand --

oh, yeah, one more thing.

If you wanna protect

your doors as well,

go back to the tub,

get the bath mat out of there.

No only great

protection from the sun,

but also from

those idiots

who ding you when

they park too close.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

you know, there comes a time

in the lives of most men

when you realise you've taken

better care of your cars

than you have of

your own body.

Heck, you've taken

better care of rental cars

than your own body.

And it's not a

rental, is it, huh?

You can't just ditch

your body in the woods

and then report it stolen.

Are you one of those guys?

Is there a chance you haven't

kept yourself in showroom

condition?

Easy way to find out.

Stand in front of

the bathroom mirror.

Don't actually

look in the mirror.

You aren't ready

for that yet.

I'm just saying open up

the medicine cabinet,

take a look at

what's inside there.

Remember when you were young

you've have nothing in there

except maybe a tube

of toothpaste,

bottle of mouthwash, eh?

Now what do you got?

Antihistamines,

anti-inflammatories,

anti-diarrhea stuff,

anti-depressants, in case

the anti-diarrhea stuff

doesn't work?

There was a time when your

medicine cabinet was

practically empty.

Now you almost

need to build on

because you got tubes and

bottles all over the

sink counter

across the top

of the toilet tank,

on every horizontal surface

in the whole bathroom.

You may actually need

a walk-in medicine cabinet.

That's because your life has

reached the halfway point

between pimple cream

and liver spot remover.

See, this is when men need

those medicines the most

because when you

really are old,

everything that they're

used for is dried up,

shriveled away,

hardened, softened,

wrinkled, crinkled,

blown out or fallen off.

So stop complaining,

take your medicine like a man,

and remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

I emptied the rest of the

radioactive fertilizer

onto the sunflowers there.

You know, now I guess this

is a nuclear efficient lodge.

Uncle red!

The sunflower seeds

are still growing.

They're almost

up to the roof.

Yeah, I gave 'em a little

boost there, harold.

I think the lodge'll be

hidden in just a few

minutes now.

Old man sedgwick

will never find us.

Oh, yeah!

[ chuckles ]

they're past the roof!

They're past the roof!

That's fine.

That's fine.

They're very close to

the power lines, uncle red.

Very close!

Harold, you worry

about everything.

[ mock fear ]

they're very close

to the power lines.

These flowers are

so scary, aren't they?

Well, I think someone

should turn the power

off to the lodge!

Oh, I wouldn't

bother, harold.

Well, then fine.

I'll do it myself.

Well, suit yourself.

Maybe the baby should

take the thumb out

of his mouth.

Oh!

[ shuddering ]

I told you not

bother, harold.

Red (voice over):

It was an exciting

day for us all.

Walter was moving,

and we were helping him out.

Winston showed up with

one of the trucks of his

sewage fleet there.

We asked him not

to bring the pumper.

But it doesn't matter

what winston brings,

it's got a certain

something to it, you know.

Like, to me, I would've

taken the hoses out

before I brought it over,

but that's just winston.

So we got a fair

number of box --

walter took a good

load, I thought.

I mean, it's his stuff.

So I got mine in to

the truck there,

and I thought walter would

just slide his into my left,

but he went another

way with it.

I don't understand.

Walter, it's really --

yeah, all right.

No, that's fine.

You're good.

You're good.

You're good.

Oh, ah, oh -- uh-oh!

So walter throws

his up there,

and then -- look.

He's very athletic.

Look at this.

And then he's inviting

us to do the same.

Not gonna happen,

I don't think.

So we just start casually

throwing the boxes.

Like I say,

he's pretty athletic.

Well, maybe he's not

that athletic.

Then you always have that

one heavy bit when

you're moving.

This dresser weighed a lot.

So winston got the idea to

take the drawers out of her,

which I thought was good,

but didn't really

understand the --

I don't quite

see how that --

but winston says, no, no.

What he's going to do is use

the rope off the flagpole.

If I can just tie that around

the drawers and dresser,

then we can use

like a pendulum deal,

and instead of lifting

it onto the truck,

we'll just hoist her up,

and we'll just swing her

one there, you know?

Bring her in.

And then if we just tie

that off on the flagpole,

and then we can do

like a an up and over

or an easy goer

or a under rounder

or whatever the

heck they call it.

Now, watch this.

Now, you catch this, walter.

Here she comes.

Here she comes.

Oh!

Okay, just --

I'm sure it wasn't that

expensive an heirloom.

Now, we've got just

a little bit of room left

and we've got all this stuff

we've gotta figure out --

so winston's got the idea

what we gotta do is get

everything into the one box.

So I dump this

box in there.

But to me there

seems to be --

this is like packing a trunk

when you're going away

on holidays.

It just doesn't seem like

you can get everything in.

You know, some people I guess

they're better packers.

Like I tried to

get that golf bag in.

It just would not go.

But winston grabs her,

and he has an eye.

He just just flips her over

and there you go.

So we get everything

except the pull-out sofabed.

And that was

a pitch fork.

We didn't realise

these things spring out.

Oh!

Oh, you're fine.

So we think if

walter would lay on it,

his weight would

hold the bed down.

Is that the quickest

way there, do you think?

Anyway, he gets on there.

Now we get her loaded

on to the back of the truck.

I mean, walter

has to stay there,

but it's good.

He can see where

his new house is.

And we're all set to go.

And you know, that would've

been the end of it.

It's a perfect day.

Everything turned out great.

But we forgot about the pipes

that winston had left,

and then away she goes.

And -- oh!

Well, that's even better,

because I was afraid we were

going to leave a box behind.

But we got everything now,

including walter.

And walter, what you

can do now, I guess,

is stay back there

and hold the load on.

He won't ask us to help

him next time, will he?

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

you know, everybody's

been bugging me

that I should drive a more

fuel-efficient vehicle.

But I think I've come up with

a better way to do the same

darned thing.

Now, I know if you

follow close enough behind

one of these big

tractor trailer units,

you can save a lot of gas

because the truck is

blocking the air resistance.

In other words,

it's breaking the wind

so you don't have to.

But here's a way

to not burn any gas.

I took the

pull start mechanism

off of a lawn mower

that I borrowed,

and then I mounted her onto

the hood of my car here.

Had to add a little

extra rope to her,

but what I end up with is a

spring loaded toe mechanism

that I have complete

control over.

Now, I know you're thinking,

hey, this is dangerous.

I mean, truck drivers

are big strong guys.

They could easily

come back here

and test the limits

of my dental plan.

But for that to happen they'd

have to see me first,

wouldn't they?

If the guy starts heading

in some direction I

don't wanna go,

I just release the handle,

drop her into gear

and head for

the next truck stop.

[ applause ]

[ coughing ]

there we go.

We're good.

We're good.

No problem.

No problem, harold.

No problem?!

We almost burned

the lodge down!

And that's

no problem?

Now, see, to me, the key

word there is "almost".

And look what you

learned today.

You learned that

sunflowers are

flammable.

You didn't know that.

You learned that the fire

department doesn't always

get there on time.

And I learned not

to stand in water

during an

electrical fire.

Where'd that water

come from anyway?

I'd rather

not say.

And you know,

I'm thinking

you learned

that every cloud

has a silver lining.

Well, not when

it's a mushroom cloud.

See, you're not looking

at the big picture here.

We had to either

hide the lodge

or pay $1,000 fine.

Okay, the sunflower

plan didn't work

perfectly.

No, no,

not perfectly, no!

Okay. Okay.

But now the city's putting

up a great big billboard

that's gonna

block the lodge.

So mission

accomplished.

Uncle red,

the sign says,

"toxic waste.

Keep out"!

Semantics, harold.

That's all that is, eh?

I mean, the job got done.

Didn't cost us anything.

We're the lucky ones.

Oh, really?

Well, I might not be

able to have children.

Well, then they're

the lucky ones.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead.

I'll be right down.

Be careful now.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting,

and I learned today that you

can't fix an ugly thing

by hiding it.

But I'm still not

gonna shave my beard off.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and fireman harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

everybody, sit down.

Meeting time.

Take your seats.

Sit down. Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

What are you eating

there, winston?

Oh, sunflower seeds.

You want some?

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