The Women's Circle/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

As men, you know, people are

always asking us

to do things

we don't wanna do...

Feed the dog;

change the channel;

have kids.

And sometimes we get asked

to do things that are just

plain dangerous.

Like washing the outside

of the upstairs windows.

Nobody wants to be climbing

a $25 rickety ladder

with a pail full

of soapy water.

Not to mention

the squeegee,

which got its name from

the sound the guy made

when he landed on one.

Naturally, there's

a better way.

All you need is some

liquid soap in a balloon,

a wet suit and a

coupla hockey sticks.

Okay, now I just

need the rinse.

I got water in this one.

Well, possum lake water,

close enough.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you.

Well, I appreciate that.

Yeah, okay.

Well, we had a little bit

of a boating accident here.

A little tip for you:

If you're ever driving a boat,

don't turn around and talk to

the people behind you

for more than a couple of

minutes at a time.

What was that?!

What? Oh.

What was that?!

[ cheers and applause ]

just relax,

harold.

You always said you wanted

to try runnin' the rapids.

Yes, yes, I did.

In a kayak!

Not in a houseboat.

What are we gonna

tell junior singleton?

Well, why would we

tell him anything?

It was his boat!

Okay, yeah,

well, we'll tell

him it was stolen.

I mean, if we get rid of the

steering wheel and the paddle,

there won't be a trace

of her anywhere.

There's traces of junior's

houseboat scattered along

the entire length

of the lake, uncle red.

All right, we'll tell

him that it was an

act of god.

We cannot blame

this on god.

He's still

apologizing for you.

Red! Red!

Where are

all the women?!

Well, I don't have them,

I know for sure he

doesn't have 'em.

Well, they're

all missing!

What?

Yeah, we got home a couple

of days early from our

boat cruise,

but I was expecting

to see ann marie at home.

And buster's sister

is missing.

Old man sedgwick's

mother's gone.

Or maybe she got lost

in the couch cushions again.

Well, just relax.

It's no big deal.

They probably rented

a hall somewhere

so they could watch

oprah together or

something.

I mean, you gotta give women

a little space sometimes.

Just let them

enjoy themselves.

Ohhhh, I find that attitude

refreshing and mature,

uncle red.

Yeah, well, it's not

just my wife.

Bernice is

missing too!

Well, what the

heck's goin' on?!

Yes, exactly!

It's time for

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize is two tickets to

the heartwarming new movie

about a little lost lamb

who becomes heavyweight

champion of the world.

Don't miss

"raging wool."

okay, cover your orifices,

mr. Farquharson.

Okay, mr. Green you

got 30 seconds

to get charlie farquharson

to say this word...

All right, mike.

And go!

All right, charlie,

when you were growing up,

most the people in your

area lived on this...

Social assistance.

No, no, no, no.

Okay. Okay.

This is a place where

they have domestic animals

in an enclosed space.

A singles bar.

No, okay. Okay.

You know what, if you

wanna play in the nhl,

first you have to

play on this team...

Russians!

No, okay, you know

when somebody dies,

you say they bought the...

Wrong kinda

heart medicine.

Almost outta time,

mr. Green.

Charlie, you inherited

this from your father.

Foot odor!

Fortunately,

I live on a farm.

Yeah!

[ doorbell ]

[ ♪ ]

whoooooo!

[ ♪ ]

[ cheers on tv ]

whooooooo!

Anncr: When the guys

come over for the play-offs,

there's one thing

you can't forget...

You don't buy 'em,

you rent 'em.

Are you pumped

for the big game?

You know, some day you'll look

back at your kids growin' up

and you'll think those

were the best times

of your lives.

That's because we tend to only

remember the good times,

and because our lives

tend to get worse and worse.

The truth is nothing ruins

a dream vacation with

your kids faster

than to actually have

to take your kids on it.

Luckily, today's brand new

deluxe mini-vans

have all kinds of conveniences

to make travelling with kids

a lot more enjoyable.

They've got tvs

and dvd players

and video games.

The whole shebang.

But what carmakers forget

is that most people

who have kids

can't afford a

brand new mini-van.

Luckily, thanks to

a modern miracle,

known as the

teen-aged driver,

vans that start

out lookin' like that

end up lookin' like this.

And they're a

lot more affordable.

Heck, if you can pick up

an old mini-van for

next to nothing,

you don't care

if it gets wrecked.

Kinda like when

you rent one.

Now, I'm gonna show you

how to give this van

all the family friendly

features that the

super vans have

for a fraction

of the cost.

Assuming zero

is a fraction.

First thing you wanna do

is get the bench seats

outta there.

Gotta keep the kids apart.

Every war in history was

started by immature people

being too close together.

So what you wanna do

is measure the length

of your kids' arms

and then position these chairs

farther apart than that.

This unit is designed

for two kids.

If you're catholic you may

need to get a school bus.

For extra safety,

I've installed the

five-point seat belts.

That way the kids will be

protected against

the number one family

road hazard,

each other.

We even have a video game

for one of the kids.

See the line from

this fishing rod?

It goes out

through the window.

And dangling from the end

is an action figure that

comes free

whenever you supersize your

double cheese, fries

and a soft drink.

I would think.

And the kid controls the

movement of our action figure

by winding in and letting

out the line, see?

You can even set the

level of difficulty

by adjusting the

tension on the reel.

And of course the obstacles

you're trying to avoid

are the dreaded

bubbles of death.

See, I've got this jar of

liquid soap connected by

a siphon tube

to this bubble blower.

So when you drive along

the wind fires the bubbles

toward the action hero,

put a little dirt on the guy,

soon as he's clean,

game's over.

Okay, now, to keep

the other kid amused

I cut a hole in the roof and

hung an aquarium filled

with goldfish.

This is to simulate

a movie, see?

Just show them the box of the

20,000 leagues under the sea,

and he'll be convinced.

By the way, if one

of your kids is smart,

you should do this

with the other one.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

And for that little extra

something that every

parent loves,

get yourself one of these toy

microphones that comes

out the radio.

Hello? Is that

coming through?

Is this working?

They sell these so kids can

pretend they're famous singers.

♪ she was only a bird ♪

♪  in a gilded cage ♪

but this microphone is not

for the kids to sing into,

it's for you

to talk into.

Hey, you two,

settle down back there!

[ applause ]

I saw that!

[ applause ]

I wanna talk to you

older guys a little bit

about the generation gap.

Remember when it

was a good thing?

Back in the '60s when we were

coming up to speed

at the on-ramp of

the highway of life?

Put a few miles on since

then, haven't we, huh?

Now we're stoppin'

at every service centre,

and worried that maybe

the next exit will be ours.

We went from chanting,

"make love not war,"

to getting married

and doing both.

And now some of us

even have kids,

or as they're also known:

The ultimate payback.

See, nobody talks about the

generation gap anymore,

and that's because most of us

are on the wrong side of it.

But that's all right.

It's okay to be on the wrong

side of the generation gap.

Or the wrong side

of your boss.

Or even once in a while,

the wrong side of your wife.

As long as when you

go to the cemetery,

you're still on the

right side of the grass,

you're doin' fine.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for ya.

We're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

a man's home

is his castle.

Protect the throne.

Well, we solved

the mystery,

but I'll tell ya,

all the women missing

on the Monday afternoon

sent a real shock

through the whole area.

I mean, it's not like

we have a mall or anything.

Found the army surplus

box, uncle red!

Boy, do we have a

lot of spiders down there.

Yeah, we don't

mind them really.

We used to have a lot of flies

everywhere in the lodge,

but now we've go spiders it

feels like we're moving

up the food chain.

Oh great.

And we found out

where the women were.

Oh at the church.

They're at the church.

Women's circle meeting.

They're at the women's

circle --

how'd you know

about that?

Well, they meet every

Monday afternoon.

Really?

How long's that

been going on?

Couple years.

You knew that

and you didn't tell me?

You didn't ask.

So anyway, at the

women's circle there,

they all get together

and talk about, you know,

whatever's on

their mind.

So those of us who live with

these women are thinking,

you know, that could

be valuable information.

So with the help of

these army surplus

walkie talkies,

we're gonna make

that happen.

Got it.

Yes, you do, harold.

What we're gonna do

is use this fishing line,

drop a walkie talkie

down through the

church chimney,

we're gonna be able to

hear everything they're

talkin' about.

That is so wrong.

That's an invasion

of privacy.

What?

What are you

looking at?

You got a fair sized

arachnid on your

forehead, harold.

Yeah, I know.

I've been eating

too much chocolate.

No, it's a spider,

harold.

What?!

Yeah, you know what?

It's been there

a few minutes now.

Ah! Ah! Ahhhhhhh!

Get it off! Get it off!

Get it offffffff!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Why didn't you

tell me?!

You didn't ask.

[ applause ]

red: It must've been August,

coz I was washin' the

possum van.

And you know, you just get

doing something, and

it never fails,

you'll get something that

interrupts something.

My cell phone starts ringing,

I just throw the hose

over there.

I don't use a cell phone enough

exactly to ever know

where it is.

I should really turn

the ring up on that.

Try the glove box,

no she's not in there.

It's in the coffee mug I think.

There we go.

So I get on there, and it's

walter on the other end.

But didn't have

a great connection.

You know always with a

cellphone you can

hear the odd word

but there's never

a verb or anything.

Not clear what he

was saying.

Then he thought maybe if he

could move around...

Sometimes when you're

near the water,

you get out on the water,

you'll get a little more,

you'll get a

little better signal.

But don't go too

far out onto the water.

Well, that's a good idea.

Maybe on the boat it'll be --

but I'm still

not gettin' him,

so I thought if

I go a little higher,

get up on the ladder...

What I didn't realise was the

water had soaked the ground,

and got kind of a --

there's a lotta gravity around

the possum lake area.

My problem there,

I needed a longer ladder.

But I'm still not gettin' --

he wondered if he holds

a fishing rod --

no, still even doesn't.

So I'm thinking maybe I should

get away from the building,

or maybe the possum van

itself is throwing it off.

So I'm goin' --

and meanwhile he's comin'

through the area they're

trying to demolish up

around the lodge.

Funny he didn't notice

that wrecking ball, but...

That actually brought

him over to the van,

but of course I was

gone at that point.

And walter got the idea

maybe if he could get on top

with van being

somewhat metal,

he could climb up the side,

hook his fishing rod on,

just kinda wind himself

right up the unit there.

Meanwhile, I had found

my way back to the van,

but I didn't notice of course

that walter was up there.

Still wasn't getting

much of a signal,

so I thought maybe if we could

take her up to the point...

This was really kind of, uh,

probably not the best thing

to try at home, kids.

And I hear walter's

up on the roof,

so I hit the brakes.

And I come out to see

exactly what it is that

he's callin' about,

and he wanted to see

if I wanted to go fishin',

and I say it's

a little late now,

maybe you shoulda

called me earlier.

[ applause ]

you know, when I was a kid,

my mother would always

cook up a turkey

for special occasions.

She'd roast it in the oven

with potatoes all around

the outside.

I mean, it's an

easy way to cook,

but it doesn't really

work up here at the lodge,

because we got

so many big eaters.

I've seen moose thompson put

a 25-pound turkey on a

roofing nail

and call it an

hors d'oeuvre.

So we've had to take our

cooking techniques and

biggy size 'em.

The real problem here

is that the average oven

only holds about 9 cubic

feet of food,

which is the same capacity

as moose's left cheek --

the one he eats with.

So we need a

bigger cooker.

Meet the possum lodge

v-8 oven.

The floorboards are all

rotted out of this unit.

The exhaust system leaks.

So it's like a

gift from heaven.

All's I had to do was take

a few spark plug wires off

to get raw gas

into the tail pipe.

Who hasn't been there?

And we got ourselves

a man-sized oven.

A little trial and error

involved in the oven settings.

I find if you set

the idle to 1200 rpm,

you can get the

entire cargo area

up to 350 degrees.

[ timer dinging ]

you'll have to excuse me,

dinner's ready.

[ cheers and applause ]

ladies and gentlemen,

we interrupt the red green show

so that I may bring you the

following important

environmental message.

[ ♪ ]

greetings, campers.

Ranger gord here with another

one of my patented

well, say, now.

Here's a pleasant scene.

A couple of

vacant-eyed goofballs

enjoying a casual

sail together.

Unfortunately, being out on the

water without proper training

can be fatal to even the

sharpest tack in the drawer.

Oh sure, when the

weather is calm,

nothing to worry about.

But what happens

if the wind picks up?

And the boat starts

taking on water?

And, well, perhaps the bailer

gets flung overboard.

And what if you don't have

enough life jackets, hmm?

So remember, kids,

never swim in a

good fishing spot.

It's just common sense,

isn't it?

[ hearty chuckle ]

oh!

[ chuckle ]

well, yet another

reminder

that there's almost

nothing about women

that we understand.

So we're up there

on the church roof,

got the walkie talkie

hanging from the

fishing line

down through

the chimney

into the room where

they're having

the meeting.

Yeah, we got the other

walkie talkie beside us

so we can hear

what they're saying.

You know, I'm not sure

but I think maybe

we were breaking four

of the 10 commandments.

You know, being on

the roof of a church,

that's gotta be

a new record.

I would say, yeah.

And it was a warm day,

wasn't it, dalton?

Oh, very warm.

Very warm.

But no matter how

warm it is

women can still

get a chill.

Oh yeah!

They can get a chill.

So imagine our surprise

when in the middle

of the meeting,

they started a fire

in the fireplace.

[ laughing ]

how did it go?

You hear anything hot?

You wouldn't believe what

they said about us, harold.

Wait a minute, I don't

think it's fair to

criticize them

for saying things you

were never intended to hear.

Harold, no!

This was really hurtful.

And there's no

taking this back.

You know what they said about

each and every one of us

husbands?

Absolutely nothing.

Zero. Nada.

Talked about

their jobs,

talked about their

neighbours,

talked about their kids,

not a word about us.

Maybe they've

given up.

No, no, no, no.

This is their way of saying

that we are such a small

part of their lives

we don't even make it

onto the radar.

Well, two can play at

that game, can't they,

dalton?

That's right!

We are going to start being a

huge part of their lives.

At home, on time,

every night.

Talk to them!

Whoa, that'll teach

'em a lesson.

We're gonna buy

'em gifts, harold.

We're gonna buy 'em

flowers, aren't we,

dalton?

Uh... Yeah,

I guess, sure.

Yeah!

And we're gonna take

'em out on dates.

Y-yeah...

But double dates, right?

Hey, whatever it takes to get

them talking about us.

You're gonna take them

somewhere special,

though, huh?

Oh yeah.

Somewhere special?

How about the 10th annual

monster truck showdown?!

Where you pay for

the whole seat...

But you only

use the edge!

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

You guys go ahead,

I'll be right down, huh?

Okay!

Ohohohohoho!

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

I'm hopin' to give you

something to talk

about tonight.

We paid for the whole bed,

but we'll only

use the edge!

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down, everybody.

Sit down in the back there.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to... I guess.

You know, somebody once said

that the only thing worse than

having people talk about you

was not having

people talk about you.

That was oscar wilde.

The hot dog guy?

No, that's oscar meyer.

You see, only a wiener

would know that.

[ ♪ ]