Bottled Water/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

The excitement this week

down at the police station.

The cops picked up

jimmy gristle.

Jimmy gristle the bootlegger?

I'm glad, because

operating a still is illegal.

Nobody drank the stuff.

We use it

as windshield wiper fluid.

Air would freeze

before jimmy's booze.

You'll have to go

to humphrey's everything store

and buy it there.

At two bucks a gallon?

I don't think so.

I'll drive with zero visibility

before I'll do that.

If jimmy can make wiper wash,

so can we.

Go ahead and operate a still.

If you have questions,

you could always ask jimmy.

I told you, jimmy's in jail.

But it's a small jail.

With luck, you'll be

in the same cell.

(audience laughing)

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): Today, we have

a lot of harold,

which is regrettable,

but it's not that much worse

than spending an afternoon

with hap.

There's harold again,

creamed by corn.

There's harold again,

being a goof -- boy!

We're on the verge

of making moonshine.

We've decided

where to put the still.

We can start gathering

the stuff together.

You're gonna operate a still

and risk burning down

the lodge,

to save $1.00 on washer fluid?

Harold, it's the principle.

And it's $2.00.

I refuse to pay

humphrey's prices.

How hard can it be

to make wiper fluid?

Isn't that something you said

when you made beer

and it blew up?

But that was an accident,

harold.

Then there was

the hawaiian luau night.

What was wrong with that?

You dug the fire pit

over a gas line.

Boy, that was a great fire pit.

(audience laughing)

that pig cooked fast,

didn't it?

I mean, before it exploded.

It rained bacon bits

for six days.

That was really fun.

(applause)

(red): In keeping with our plan

to make a still...

Boy, that hurt.

Anyway, bill has got

an above-ground swimming pool

to supply water to the still.

This is one

of these cheaper models.

You can have a pool installed.

I think it's about 5,000 bucks.

You can buy one of these things

for about 500 bucks.

You take a while

setting them up.

You realize how ugly they are.

You throw them away

and buy a $5,000 one.

There's the first step.

"level the pool area."

levelling areas is kind of--

here, look at this.

This is something

you may not be aware of.

In many parts of the country,

you can rent a bobcat

without any prior experience.

You don't need

a special licence.

You can go on up there.

If you have

a working visa card

that belongs to you or perhaps

someone that you found...

If you've got that

and they're covered,

you can just go in there.

They're not that hard

to operate.

You can have a good time.

It just gets the job done

that much faster.

By the time you're finished

with the bobcat and have

all the equipment

gathered together,

you have enough time to do

the job you were trying to do

but you'll do that

with just shovels --

something that you can handle.

We'll be back later

to show you

how this thing turns out.

Get real, bill.

This is more manly anyway,

right?

♪ there are many

speedy vessels ♪

♪ like speedboats

and ski-boats and that ♪

♪ even a tin boat

with a 25-horse ♪

♪ can get there

in nothing flat ♪

♪ sailboats

tend to be slower ♪

♪ whenever

the summer wind stalls ♪

♪ but a canoe

can really get moving ♪

♪ when you accidentally

take her over the falls ♪

this week on "handyman corner",

we'll build a machine

that will run on the booze

from jimmy gristle's still.

I have a lawnmower.

You guys are thinking,

"what kind of machine could you

make out of a lawnmower?"

well, think about it.

Hmm...

It's obvious, isn't it?

A robot! Oh, yeah!

I'm gonna make

a hooch-powered android --

a "hoochenoid".

When I was a kid,

used to get the

"popular mechanics" magazines.

They'd talk about

how robots in the future

would clean our houses

and fetch everything for us.

So far, all they've done

is stolen our jobs.

I'm gonna build

my very own c3-pu...

Or r2-detox...

Something that will do

my every whim.

Hey, I'm gonna need a whim.

I got this woman's

wig head here.

We're gonna make

a woman robot.

You want to paint her gold.

Silver -- you want

to paint her silver.

Robots should always be silver.

Just lay it on good and thick.

There we go,

and just set that aside.

What you're gonna have to do

is make a spine,

which is a bunch of vertebrae

or discs

kind of attached together.

For that, we could use

hockey pucks

and drill out the centre

for your spinal cord.

You could use p.V.C. Pipe

and make a plastic...

Plastic... Robot...

I find the plastic

hard to work with.

Personally, I prefer

the look and feel of wood.

So I'm gonna build

a wooden robot

and have her "lumber" around.

Lumber around.

Always room for humour

in the workshop.

You wanna get the head

and see how big

the spine should be,

you know,

in proportion to the...

By golly.

Ok, the lacquer has kind of

eaten the head away.

We have a much smaller head.

Not room for a very big brain,

so we'll make it a guy robot.

All right, so stack up your...

Your various pieces of wood...

Till it looks

about in proportion.

By golly, that looks human

already.

More than moose thompson does,

anyway.

Get yourself some nails

and just start nailing

one vertebrae to the next.

It's just really that simple.

I'm gonna use

a different nail.

That was the wrong kind.

This is the right kind.

See this kind of nail?

This is...

By golly.

We'll get

a different kind of nail.

Always have lots of kinds of

nails around in your workshop.

No.

Pointy end down.

They're put...

(grunting)

yeah...

All right.

Bigger nail!

There's the problem.

Huh? Another spinal injury.

Wait, I got a better idea

for something mechanical

to bring me my drinks

and get me stuff.

(machinery whirring)

whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ok, come on.

All right, whoa, whoa!

Hand me the tray, harold.

Pour me a drink.

(machinery whirring)

oh, oh, oh, oh!

Harold, watch it!

You'll never replace a human.

Coming up, where there's smoke,

there's a fire extinguisher.

Want to talk to you guys

who are sitting there,

unattached,

the victims of a divorce

or a joint chequing account.

You're probably thinking about

looking up that old girlfriend

you had in high school,

the one you took

to the graduation sock-hop?

There might be some appeal

in rushing back

to the only other woman

you ever had a slow dance with,

but I'm telling you,

as a friend,

think about a couple of things.

First and foremost,

time has not been kind to you.

Too much gravity

and too much gravy

have taken their toll.

(audience laughing)

you don't look like you did

on page 77 of the yearbook.

Now zip over to her picture.

Try adding 30 or 40 years

to that.

See where I'm coming from?

Start with a clean slate.

Date a woman you didn't know

when she was young.

You'll be attracted to her

for what she is right now.

There won't be nagging pictures

from 30 years ago.

She'll make sure of that.

It might be a nice gesture

if you did the same for her.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(audience laughing)

well, this is the last

of the stuff

from jimmy gristle's still.

We stole-- I'm sorry --

we salvaged the stuff.

How are we doing at this end?

I should remind you

that I'm against this.

I'm just here

for the chemistry.

Save your speech for the trial.

I'm kidding you!

I'm just

kidding!

Buster's got everything going

in the kitchen.

He's got the cauldron boiling.

I found some sugar.

We need corn for the mash.

Should be cans in the kitchen.

Some of it's creamed corn.

That should be fine.

When junior singleton

gets here with his mom's lada,

we're ready to start.

Why use her car?

We'll park it outside.

We'll run a hose from

the kettle to the engine.

It's gonna process it.

It's gonna pump it, filter it,

skim it, puree it,

and dispense it

out the hole of the rad.

That's the theory.

It can do that?

Uncle red, it's a russian car.

It can do anything.

Except start.

(audience laughing)

well, here we are

with hap shaughnessy.

We're trolling for trout.

Hap caught himself

a beauty last week.

Should have seen

the one that got away.

Every fisherman says that.

I said it first, red.

Oh, really?

Always had a flair

for the one-liners.

"make love, not war.

"don't do anything

I wouldn't do.

"have a nice day."

then there were my poems.

"mary had a little lamb".

You came up

with all that yourself?

You knew that, didn't you?

No.

I wrote book after book.

Snappy sayings, quips, poems,

phrases, nursery rhymes...

"little jack horner", "london

bridge is falling down"...

"three little pigs"...

"jack and the beanstalk",

"little jack horner"...

You already said

"little jack horner".

This was the sequel.

You know, hap, I don't remember

ever seeing any of those books.

I've never used my own name,

hap shaughnessy.

I'm not one to take

a lot of credit for stuff.

That would lead

to legal action.

I used a pen name.

The name I chose

was arnold nonymous --

a. Nonymous for short --

so I didn't get any credits.

All those nursery rhymes

and phrases and poems...

I've been quoted more often

than shakespeare,

but who would believe it?

I can't think of anyone.

If I had a nickel

for every time I was quoted,

I'd be a billionaire.

If you don't mind me saying so,

if ifs and buts

were candies and nuts,

we'd all have

a great christmas.

Well, there you go.

Give me a nickel.

Ok, this is the big one

for a grand prize

yet to be determined.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Stuyvesant to say

this word.

Thirty seconds, go.

Um... Obligation.

Mother.

Appointment.

Proctologist.

(laughing)

when you tell somebody

you'll be there, that's a...

Lie.

When you care about something,

it's because you've made a...

Bet?

I know, I know.

If you give your girlfriend

an engagement ring

you're making a...

Mistake.

We may have

down-played the danger

of manufacturing

a flammable liquid

in an enclosed space

under primitive conditions

near an open flame

in a wooden building

on a shaky stove.

But the fire's out now, and

I think the initial explosion

did not do too much

structural damage.

There's creamed corn

everywhere!

Everywhere creamed corn.

It's like somebody

blew up iowa.

It's ok --

the fire is out.

That car's still burning.

But I think it landed

far enough away from the lodge

that we'll let nature

take its course.

What are the other guys doing?

They're in the kitchen

licking corn off the cupboards.

I'm sorry, but

you have to forget

about distiling

your washer fluid stuff.

The still's destroyed,

and I quit.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

You'll have to

swallow your pride

and buy your washer fluid

at humphrey's everything store.

Real men

don't swallow their pride.

We just fake it.

I don't know what we'll do.

All we've got left

is the empty bottles.

Oh, oh, aw!

I got-- oh, I know!

This is incredible.

We can bottle the spring water

from possum hill.

We can just bottle the water.

Spring water.

People are going to buy

spring water, harold?

Yeah, all the time.

Ok,

all right,

you're gonna fill bottles

with spring water

and people will pay for it.

That could work.

Mr. Perrier isn't doing so bad.

Come on, harold.

What kind of gomer's

are going to pay money

for water

that comes out of the ground?

City people.

Oh well.

Oh yeah.

All right.

(red): With us switching

to bottled water

the above-ground pool

makes even more sense.

Luckily, we hadn't

completely built it yet,

'cause it had only been

seven days.

If you ever get

one of these things,

try to live in a neighbourhood

with a lot of people in it

so that you can afford

to lose a few friends.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Here's something

for you teenagers.

Be careful what you straddle.

It can make a difference to

your entire adult life.

Come on, bill, up you go.

Oh boy.

We've got to put

this pool liner on here.

Imagine making a bed

with this guy.

Anyway, we got her on,

and got a little

handyman's secret weapon

snuck into the project.

Where is he?

How did he do that?

Tunnel out, bill,

like they did

in "the great escape".

Or stay there.

It might make

an interesting design

in the bottom of the pool.

Oh man, what did he have

for breakfast?

This is the pump.

It's a small unit.

It's made to pump water,

and we didn't have water.

The air was unbelievable

coming out of that thing.

I thought bill would

do those tricks

where he makes animals.

Now, here... Now, this...

Ok, ok, goodbye, see ya.

Bill tries to make it work,

and then realizes --

no, bill.

It looks like on of them

popcorn makers, doesn't it?

Bill runs and then trips,

and the ladder

has a spring effect.

And he lands.

Then bill gets the idea

to push a hole through.

Everybody out of the pool.

Oh my gosh.

Oh!

And, uh, what have we got here?

Well, it was just another day

at the lodge.

Two guys wasting time and money

rolling around on the ground,

being goofy,

ending up wrapped in plastic.

Man.

Dougie's got advice

for you guys in trouble.

Well, dalton humphrey

takes the cake.

Try to do something good

for local commerce,

what does it get ya?

If you want to do something,

why not settle your bills?

This isn't about paying bills.

I took a bunch of

possum spring water down there

to see if they could sell it,

and they say

"it's got to be tested."

turns out it's got

so many minerals in it,

the icicles point north.

So nobody wants it?

The centre for disease control

ordered a couple of cases.

I guess the moral for today is

if you want washer fluid,

buy it.

You got off easy

considering there was

only one explosion,

one kitchen fire,

and that car's burning.

Looks like an oil fire

in kuwait.

I can't worry about that.

I'm stuck with 2,000 bottles

with nothing in 'em.

That's not true --

there's air in them.

Well, that's almost nothing.

That's a great idea.

It's not just any air.

It's the air of possum hills.

We could start a trend here.

Possum air?

This is the perfect

yuppie product.

Fat-free, cholesterol-free,

sugar-free, salt-free,

no additives, no calories.

We'll call it "possum light".

She had that chat with you

about how she gets stuck

doing all the housework.

You told her you'd help

a little more, didn't ya?

You said you'd pick up

after yourself.

Now she's calling you

into the bedroom.

And it's not for

what you hope it is.

At her feet is a humungous pile

of your used underwear.

Don't try saying something

stupid like

"I've been looking

all over for them."

be clever and

turn the tables on her.

Look down and go

"those aren't mine.

"have you been seeing someone?"

no -- dwell on the positive.

Say "storing used underwear

in the bottom of the closet

"is good for the environment

"'cause you use

less laundry detergent."

and bring up the point,

at least you're not leaving it

around the kitchen any more.

Welcome to the expert portion

of the show.

This week's experts are

my uncle red

and his friend,

mr. Dalton humphrey.

(applause and cheering)

our letter goes as follows.

"dear experts"

ah-ah-ah.

"my car is a wreck.

"what do you do with a car

that's too wrecked to fix?"

obviously, youe got to

sell the pig.

That sounds a little unethical,

mr. Humphrey.

Selling a car that's

unsafe and worthless.

You wouldn't sell it

to anybody you know.

Yeah, I would.

No, no, no,

don't get me wrong.

My friends and neighbours

are a treasured

and wonderful part of my life.

I truly value each of them.

I have to say that I am blessed

to have

so many of them in my life.

But, well, hey,

a buck's a buck.

I think a lot of it is

the wording of the ad.

You've got to say, like,

"for sale, as is, where is."

or "car for sale,

"stops and goes,

mostly stops."

or, "great vehicle for

people who hate travelling."

that's not lying.

That's just good salesmanship.

Say the floorboard's rusted.

Say that's got

a classic interior.

Classic?

Like the flintstone's car.

See, now that's not lying.

That's

perjury. That's

salesmanship.

Harold, didn't

I see you

talking to that counsellor,

trying to get a date?

How did you

describe yourself?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha.

I might have said something

about, you know,

something about being

tall, dark and handsome.

Rather than tall,

dork and useless.

That's about as honest as

our car sales pitch, isn't it?

Not really --

the girl didn't break down.

You should look at something

with more miles on her.

(laughing)

I thought we were

onto something.

Shows what I know

about yuppies in los angeles.

Los angeles?

Your air was turned down

by los angeles?

Yeah, they say

it smells funny.

I think we made a mistake

putting that dead possum

on the label.

You could have rinsed

the bottles out first.

Doesn't matter --

I took the bottles back.

I got enough money to buy

12 gallons

of windshield wiper fluid.

This winter I'll be letting her

fly any time I feel like it.

There's a lesson for you.

Not to make a still

out of a russian car

or bottle water or can air

during manure season,

when all you want

is washer fluid?

No -- the lesson is,

when you get to my age

you should be able to let

a little squirt go

any time you feel like it.

(possum

squeal)

meeting time.

I'll be down in a minute.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be home after the meeting.

When our neighbours see

how clean our windshield is

they'll think we have

so much money

we've stopped buying

self-serve gas.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of harold,

myself and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(possum squeal)

(harold): Ok.

All rise.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down, guys.

(harold): We should begin by

reading the minutes

of last week.

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Boy, this is too much!