The Spelling Bee/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, once in a while

it's nice to dip into the past

to find something

useful for the present.

Like, for example,

this mood ring.

Remember these

from the '60s?

No?

Do you remember

anything from the '60s?

See, there's some kind

of weird chemical on here

that makes it change colour

with the mood of the person

who's wearing it.

Came in real handy

when you were on a date --

kinda gave you a signal

when to make your move.

But after you get married,

you need more of a

distant early

warning system.

So I taped a bunch of these

mood rings to a doorknob on

the front of my house.

See, the doorknob is brass,

so it actually conducts the

mood from inside the house.

That way, when I get home,

I can get a sense of what

kind of mood my wife's in

without even having

to step through the door.

See, the colour tells me

whether I need to get

any flowers

chocolates --

or a a place to stay.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

I got this invitation

from the government

for the town of possum lake.

They're going to have

a spelling contest

with $1,000 first prize.

It's part of a big plan to

smarten us all up.

Apparently they had

some survey,

and and the average canadian

is stupider than ever.

I tell you, though.

These politicians

better be careful.

If we get too smart,

none of 'em will get elected.

Good morning.

G-o-o-d-m-o-r-n-i-n-g.

I'm sorry, harold.

That's incorrect.

It's 3:15.

I just --

it's a spelling exercise.

I wanna be the spelling

rep for the town.

You know, for the

big spelling bee.

Yeah, so I'm using

a dictionary to practise.

Well, you have

to earn that job.

See the rules here?

You gotta have an open

competition with at least

three people in it.

And the winner of that

represents the town.

Yeah, that's okay.

I'm fine with that,

because I am a very

good speller.

Are you a good speller?

I don't really know.

You know, my handwriting

is so bad,

I've never

been able to tell.

Well, I'm a very

good speller.

You could pick any word

out of this dictionary,

and I could spell it.

Go ahead.

Pick any word.

Pick a word.

Pick a word.

Pick a word.

Pick a word.

Pick a word.

All right!

I'll pick a word!

"obnoxious."

o-b-n-o --

no!

H-a-r-o-l-d.

And look.

Look. Look.

There's a

picture of you.

It's time for

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize is a

coupon for a free session

at the house of hammers

and phrenology...

"where we give you

a bump on the head,

"then read it."

okay, harold,

cover your ears.

Okay, red, you've got 30

seconds to get harold

to say this word...

All right, winston.

And... Go!

All right, harold, this is

something that you've

gotta have

if you wanna go

parking on lover's lane.

A girl.

No, no, okay.

No, no.

But this is something that

you need to attract girls.

Oh!

Fluency in klingon.

Yeah! Yeah!

No. No.

Okay, this is something you

don't ever want to have

an accident in.

A rented tux.

Oh! Okay.

Boy.

Most of us at the

lodge have these, okay.

Winston's is a hemi;

dalton's is a hatchback;

mine's about

15 years old.

Bad haircuts.

[ miffed ]

almost out of time, red.

I know. I know.

I know.

Okay, harold, this is

something that will take you

anywhere you wanna go,

at any speed,

day or night.

A t-1 high-speed

wireless connection!

What?!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, it's great for

shopping on the internet.

That's where I bought

my cargo pants.

There we go!

This is the repair shop

part of the show

we call if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

Joining me today is local

water taxi operator,

hap shaughnessy.

You got a pair of

boxing gloves there, hap?

Yeah, I'm in

training.

Thinking about going

back in the ring again.

But my old gloves are

coming apart at the seams.

Well, they're

in good company.

I didn't know you

were a boxer, hap.

Oh, I didn't fight

under the name hap.

Back then, I was

kid unbelievable.

It was 1964.

I was makin' ends meet by

working as a limo driver

in new york city.

It was my job to drive

a young sonny liston

to his fateful bout

with cassius clay

at madison square garden.

My grandfather built

that place with his

bare hands.

One at a time,

now, hap, c'mon.

Anyway, liston and I

got into a squabble

about the validity of my

quantum physics theorem.

And the next thing I know,

the car is pulled over

and liston and I are throwing

punches at each other

in an alley off

47th street.

I led with a right,

he crossed with a left,

and the suddenly, bam!

Tremendous blow to

the head.

Well, you know,

that explains so much.

No, not me!

Liston.

Went down like

a sack of hammers.

Right there at that moment,

I was the champ.

I got nothing for it.

Anyway, I folded sonny up,

threw him in the limo,

took him to the fight,

and the rest is history.

Yep, well, your boxing gloves

are all done there, hap.

I think you'll find

they're as good as new.

Yeah, great. Great.

Thanks, red.

All right,

no problem.

I sure hope the boxing

commission grants me

my license.

You know, it's a part

of my life I wanna

get back.

I feel the same way

about this conversation.

A lot of people have these

ceiling fans in their houses.

They're supposed to help

with the air movement

so that instead of your house

having a couple of cold spots,

it's cold all over.

I don't really like the

ceiling fans all that much.

At the low speed

they cool off your soup,

and at the high speed

they blow your toupee

right into it.

Mind you, they are handy

for slicing fruit.

But I believe I have

a better use for ceiling fans.

See, instead of

using of using energy,

my idea has these

ceiling fans saving energy.

Now, some of you may already

be ahead of me on this.

That just means you probably

shouldn't be watching my show.

I believe

lawrence welk is on.

So what I'm gonna do

is mount these ceiling fans

onto this car,

one on each corner, see,

and then as

they spin around,

that's gonna give me lift.

Lift is very important,

as any woman will tell you.

But in this case, see,

the lift is actually gonna

reduce the weight of this pig

by about 1,000 pounds.

Gonna give it the same gas

mileage as those little

puddle jumpers

they sell the old ladies

and college professors.

Now we just need some way

to spin the ceiling fans.

You can't just plug

them in and drive away.

I mean, even if you did have

a long enough extension cord,

you'd have to worry about

pedestrians and lift bridges,

and you'd always have to come

back the same way you went.

So instead, we're just gonna

take the wheels of this

baby carriage.

Shouldn't be too tough.

If you have my kind

of medical history,

the wheels fell off your

baby carriage years ago.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, it's a doll.

[ doll squeaks ]

now here's where

the real genius comes in...

No, I'm wrong.

Okay, I'm gonna use the car

itself to power these fans.

See, I'm gonna mount a

ceiling fan over each

of the wheel wells,

and then when the carriage

wheel rubs up against

the tire,

that'll make the fan spin.

Even on the front wheel.

And even though it

turns like that,

still the centre of the

top stays in the same place.

How brilliant is that?

You know, no wonder

my parents questioned

why I found

grade 7 so hard...

Every year.

The only other tricky part

is you gotta take a look

at the angle of

the fan blades,

make sure you mount them

on the right side of the car.

Because one side's

gonna go one way,

and the other side's

gonna go the other way.

And if you do it wrong,

the fans'll push down

instead of lift,

and that's gonna

kill your gas mileage.

It'll be like driving around

with moose thompson on

your roof rack.

[ muttering ]

I think we're

good to go here.

And this is way better than

the e.P.A. Solutions

to gas mileage.

They just want

you to go slow.

Heck, that's what

walking's for.

With my system, the faster you

go, the faster the fans go,

the lighter the car gets,

the better gas

mileage you get.

I don't see a

down side, do you?

Let's take her for a spin.

Heck, let's take

her for four spins.

So remember: If the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

[ starts ignition ]

oh, here's another bonus...

Hitch-hikers

won't come near you.

[ applause ]

I think I have

a sensible explanation

as to why men

do so many crazy things.

Now, I don't care what

species you look at,

the male is forced to attract

the female's attention...

Peacocks spread

their tails;

rams butt heads;

men drive monster trucks.

Now, I know when you see a guy

peel away from the stop light

or crush beer cans

with his forehead,

most women just

roll their eyes.

But the truth is

men are programmed

to choose behaviour that

doesn't interfere with mating.

Do you know what

that means?

That means that somewhere

there are other women

that are actually impressed

with male stupidity.

We call these women

girlfriends.

Then later, when they

come to their senses

and see the idiotic behaviour

for what it really is,

we call them wives.

So whenever you see a guy

belching the national anthem

while he accompanies himself

with an armpit,

wish him luck.

He's either not married

or about to be that way.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

I'm on my way.

Rothschilds sewage...

When you can't

take it anymore,

we'll come over

and take it for you.

[ applause ]

we're not quite ready

to fill out the

entry form yet,

but we thought we'd

have a little trial run

between harold

and dalton there.

You might wanna check

the spelling on the --

what? What?

All right,

harold,

you ready for

your first word?

Okay... Uh...

Let's see...

"indices."

"indices,"

I-n-d...

[ chain saw buzzing ]

I-n-d-I-c-e-s.

Wasn't really

asking you, mike.

What?

What's your guess,

harold?

What he said.

Okay, dalton,

"quadrennial,"

"quadrennial."

what does that mean?

Something that only

happens every four years.

Oh, like ann marie

getting romantic.

No, no, it's more

like the olympics.

Ha! You don't know

ann marie!

All right, just take

your guess, will you,

dalton.

Okay, okay, q-u-a...

[ chain saw buzzing ]

mike:

Q-u-a-d-r-e-n-n-I-a-l.

Mike, do you mind?

Oh! Oh!

Sorry, dalton.

I don't know what

came over me.

Well, it's the chain saw,

the sound of the chain saw.

Every time he hears it,

he goes into that trance

and starts spelling.

Well, why would

that be, harold?

Oh, I know!

It was a cellmate

I had in jail

who used to punch me every

time I spelled my

graffiti wrong.

Chain saw morgan.

Oh, so you learned to show

a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

I found out what

it means to me.

Sock it to me.

Sock it to me.

Sock it to me.

Sock it to me.

Sock it to me.

Red: We were putting a little

campfire tent thing together

out behind the lodge.

Walter was bringing

the cooler, and we were --

watch yourself there.

Oh, I guess there

wasn't much -- okay. Okay.

You know, well, you've got

to be responsible for

yourself, walter.

You've gotta watch --

no, no, no, no.

No need for temper now.

You're not hurt.

You're fine.

So bill and I are trying

to get the tent together,

and walter's trying

to clean things up --

and okay -- okay.

Now, that probably hurt.

Okay, that's probably --

but again, you gotta

always --

when you're camping,

for you youngsters out there,

you gotta watch what the

other guy's doin', you know.

Like, don't do this,

for example.

And we didn't know

what was pullin' on --

again...

See, that way

lies madness.

So we got the tent up,

and bill's gonna get the

campfire goin'.

And we're gonna

split a log,

so he's gotten --

just gonna --

just hit it, walter.

Hit it, walter.

Walter, walter, walter --

while we're young,

hit the log.

And you know,

this happens sometimes.

You get a green log

or what have you.

Or maybe the axe isn't wide

enough at the one end --

bill's gonna

get the campf --

not -- no, don't use

all the matches, bill.

Yeah.

All right,

so meanwhile --

no, see, a second axe into

the -- roughly into

the same split

will just open

that baby right up.

Just hit it, walter.

Hit it. Hit it.

Hit it now!

Walter, hit it now.

Okay, I was wrong.

Okay. Okay.

No, uh, hmm.

Yeah, well, let's try --

by this point we

tried a few axes.

And unbelievable that a log

would take that much --

there must've been

lots of knots in that.

I got an idea, though.

Let's flip her over.

Just flip her over.

Meanwhile, bill is going

back to the old style

of lighting a fire,

with a string -- and I don't

know what they call this,

but it's nothin' good.

All right that should --

that should --

no! Boy!

Unbelievable, isn't it?

Boy, oh, boy, we're gonna

run outta axes here.

We got the double ender.

What we used to call it

when we were younger.

Oh! Hmm.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

So now bill's starting

to get some smoke.

He's getting some

heat going.

Yeah, take her up

a notch there, bill.

Actually runnin' out of

spaces to put an axe

into the log.

So... Yeah.

I got another idea.

I think that --

oh, and it's on fire, bill.

It's on fire.

Get her -- okay, now

just move the camp --

yeah, move the campfire

over to where the fire is.

There you go.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Don't blow too hard.

Easy. Easy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

So I figure if we use

a just a hatchet,

just in the right spot,

we still got room for that.

Now, walter's not

good at taking direction.

And he just misinterpreted

my instructions.

No.

Like, how is that helping?

I don't --

I don't understand that.

Meanwhile, bill's -- he's

got enough of it stamped out.

He's all set and he's

ready to bring the --

to bring the log over,

but...

Okay, you know what?

I got an idea.

Okay, and we're all --

don't watch bill eat.

Don't watch -- not if you're

eating at all yourself.

If you can't use

the log to burn,

use it as a holder.

[ applause ]

you know, men have

always had hobbies,

like fishing

or building things

or just winging

acorns at squirrels.

Unfortunately, men have

also had chores.

Like cleaning out

the eavestroughs.

The difference is

hobbies are fun,

chores are work.

Now, on the surface it may be

hard to tell 'em apart.

What's the difference,

you might say,

between collecting

screws in a jar

and picking up your laundry

and putting it your hamper?

Or what's the difference

between polishing your car

and polishing

your silverware?

Simple: One is a job,

the other one is a hobby.

The trick is to be able

to combine the two.

And I'm a tricky guy.

Here we have a hobby --

this model train --

and a job to do --

clean out those eavestroughs.

See, I've attached a

snowplough onto the

front of the train.

It gets to do all the work,

I get to have all the fun.

You get to watch.

[ train whistle blowing ]

well, we're almost ready

to fill out our entry form.

We've got mike and

dalton from the lodge

and then the town is sending

up some lame entrant,

sam something or other

so that we'll have three,

and that'll make it legal.

And, uh, we're gonna help

mike out a little bit.

We've got harold outside

with the chain saw.

He's gonna rev it up,

you know, just at

the right moment.

You all good

to go there, harold?

Vroom vroom vroom,

uncle red!

Okay, let's get started!

I'm ready to s-p-e-l.

Had my alpha-bits

for breakfast.

Yeah, we just gotta wait

for the token entrant

from town there.

[ car door slams ]

sam something

or other --

that's probably

him right now.

Audience: Ohhhh!

Hello, there.

Um, we'd like four boxes

of cookies if you'll

take a cheque.

I'm sam.

I'm here for

the spelling contest.

This is sam.

You know, we have some

pretty big words

in this thing.

That's okay.

I'll help you pronounce them.

[ laughter ]

all right,

well, uh --

all right, I guess

we're ready to go.

Are we ready to go?

All right, well,

ladies first, eh?

"rhythm."

r-h-y-t-h-m.

Ha! Ha!

Yeah, right.

[ bell ringing ]

yeah, right.

Okay, dalton,

your word is...

"tchotchke."

I give up.

Well, that's a little

embarrassing, isn't it?

Not nearly as embarrassing

as it would've been.

All right, mike,

"tchotchke."

tchotchke?

[ chain saw buzzing ]

t-c-h-o-t-c-h-k-e.

[ bell ringing ]

yes, sir!

We're all tied up.

All right...

Mike, you go first

this time.

Okay.

Your word is...

"piccalilli."

well, uh, we didn't use

the word piccalilli in prison.

Oh, man.

Time's up!

"piccalilli,"

p-I-c-c-a-l-I-l-l-I.

Ahhhh.

[ applause ]

I win.

Gotta go.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, it's meeting time,

m-e-a-t --

red: No, no, no.

Away you go.

I'll be down in a minute.

Well, if my wife

is watchin',

I'll be comin' straight home

after the meeting.

A real tense day, and I'm

hopin' for a little relief,

and I don't spell it

r-o-l-a-I-d.

Okay, and to the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down. Everybody, sit down.

Take your place. Sit down.

Sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Okay, men, we're out of the

running for the spelling bee

and $1,000 prize.

So I was lookin'

in the lodge cash box,

and I was just wondering,

how many of you know

how to spell, I.O.U.?

Okay, and how many of

you know what it means?

That's what I thought.

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