Celebrity/Transcript

Intro
''{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! Haw! The television show that dares to ask, "Is there anything else on TV?" {giggles} And now, here he is, your host by choice, my uncle by birth, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

''{The front door of the lodge opens and Red enters, holding a ticket. Harold dances and grooves in place.}''

RED GREEN: All right, thank you. Boy, oh, boy! Welcome to Possum Lodge. Big, big, big, big, big week up at the lodge this week, I tell you. The kind of thing that happens maybe twice in a lifetime. {to Harold} Harold, do you think I should tell them, or do you think I should sort of build the suspense, like they do on those big cheesy network shows, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, no, no! You tell them now! Tell them right now! Tell them now, 'cause this is big, this is huge! This is big and huge! I don't think we could sit on this much longer!

RED GREEN: Harold, I don't think you should sit on anything right now.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red, laughing} Can I give them a clue? Let me give them a clue.

RED GREEN: All right, go ahead.

HAROLD GREEN: {to audience} Okay, I'm going to give you a clue: Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Sandra Bullock!

RED GREEN: {confused} What are you talking about, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: I'm talking about a big movie star buying a cottage right here at Possum Lake! What are you talking about?

RED GREEN: Bruno's butcher shop!

HAROLD GREEN: What?

RED GREEN: He's got a new bacon slicer. Yeah, his old bacon slicer got pregnant and moved to Port Asbestos. So, uh, Bruno has replaced her with an automated unit, {holds up ticket, which has the number "1" on it} and I'm determined to get the number-one side of bacon when I go up there.

HAROLD GREEN: What about Tom Hanks and Tom Cruise and Sandra Bullock?

RED GREEN: Well, they might be number one at the box office, but they're gonna be number two at Bruno's.

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to the Lodge Meeting about to take place.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here are a few scenes from this week's show, and...

{Cut to Red covering a police car in black electrical tape and white adhesive tape, creating stripes on it like a zebra.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...these are all fresh goodies. But none of this stuff...

''{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game about to start. Mike is the contestant, and the word is "Baby".}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...has ever been seen before on television. And you know, I'm guessing there's probably...

''{Cut to Ranger Gord at a meeting of Men Anonymous. He holds his arms out to everyone, asking for a hug, but everyone in the meeting runs away.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...a pretty good reason for that.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by tapping two spoons on a metal pot.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, she worked at the local library,
 * So we had never met.
 * But I was out walking, it started to rain,
 * And I'd rather be bored than wet.
 * So I ducked inside the library door
 * And saw her stamping some books.
 * My decimals all got "Dewey"
 * When she gave me that literary look.
 * Oh, I pretended I liked reading books
 * As I asked her to the dance.
 * She classified me as "fiction"
 * And then later that moved to "romance".
 * You can't judge a book by its cover.
 * That librarian had me astounded.
 * She had both brains and beauty,
 * Not just well-read, but well-rounded.
 * Love is hard to read,
 * And librarians are often fickle.
 * I returned her home ten minutes late,
 * And she had the nerve to fine me a nickel!

Handyman Corner
''{Outside the lodge, a police car drives up to the Handyman Corner sign and stops there. The door opens, revealing Red in the driver's seat. The door knocks the sign over as Red gets out, wearing a coat. He laughs as he taps the car.}''

RED GREEN: Isn't she a beauty? {walks around in front of car} You know, there's only two things that come into your life once: true love and {raps on hood with his fist} a good used police car. Oh, sure she might have 700,000 miles on her, but it's all highway... {walks around to other side of police car} high-speed car chases, and so you've got no carbon buildup in there. Unfortunately, now, there are some people who don't see the value in owning a secondhand car full of bullet holes. They just don't appreciate the history, the excitement, {leans inside police car, whose window is open and takes a whiff} the odor of the backseat. {removes a black plastic bag from coat pocket} So today on Handyman Corner, I thought I'd show you how to turn your police car into something your family actually doesn't mind riding around in. We'll start by cleaning the inside out a little bit.

''{Red opens the door, and a bunch of trash spills out of the car onto the ground. Red bends down to put the trash in the black plastic bag. Wipe to a later scene. Red finishes filling up the bag of trash. The car is now clean.}''

RED GREEN: There, that's got most of it. By golly, there were a fair number of coffee cups and doughnut boxes in there, I'll tell ya.

''{Red tosses the bag of trash aside. It lands on a huge pile of other full trash bags, all from the police car.}''

RED GREEN: You know, this is going to be such a thrill for the lodge members. Not so much riding in a police car, but being in the front seat for a change. {walks around to other side of car} Now, there is one downside here: the law requires these guys got to take the siren off there and chuck that away. But they leave the wiring on there. So what you need is to get yourself a speaker. {bends down and picks up a speaker} Maybe you got one of these in your attic or {puts it on car roof} get one at a yard sale, or maybe go down to your local watering hole and pork one when the band is on their break. {takes a roll of duct tape} And you want to attach the speaker to the roof rack, using the handyman secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Red starts to move the speaker into position. Wipe to a later scene. Red has attached the speaker to the wiring in the car and then duct-taped it to the roof.}''

RED GREEN: All right, once you get the speaker wired up, you can really start to have some fun. {speaks into car microphone} Hey, jerk, pull over! Get out of the vehicle! Spread 'em! No, not those. {laughs} All right, sing something Irish! {holds up index finger} But, you know, for the big fun, you've got to get yourself a siren. {picks up a doll sitting in car} See what this is here? This is one of these little dolls, and when you squeeze it, it cries. You'll have to go out and buy one of these. If you already have one, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

''{He holds the microphone up to the doll and squeezes it. It makes a crying sound like a baby, made louder by the microphone.}''

RED GREEN: See how that works? See, that'll whip you through traffic, eh? That could be a real lifesaver when you realize that chocolate bar was actually a laxative. {chuckles} And you know what you can do, is you can actually wedge the doll {doll stops crying} and the microphone under the gas pedal, and then when you floor it, the siren will go on automatically! {walks around to trunk} There are a few other features you get with a cop car. For example, in the trunk there, you've got the gun rack.

''{Red opens the trunk lid, revealing the gun rack. However, instead of guns, the rack is adorned with gardening tools.}''

RED GREEN: What a great place to carry all of your garden tools. {takes out a roll of police tape from trunk} Then if you get some of this police tape, it's super, you know, for marking off your picnic area. And you can play that great party game where everybody lies down and you draw around them with chalk. {takes out some body bags} Then if you're lucky enough to get yourself a couple of body bags, make great ponchos for the kids!

{Red closes the trunk and walks around to the back seat of the police car.}

RED GREEN: And speaking of kids, this unit is ideal for families because {opens door} with the built-in divider there, they can't get at ya! {looks at inside of door, which has no handle or window winder} And see how on the inside of the back door there, there's no door handle, there's no window winder, so she's extra safe. {gets inside car} And you don't have to worry about the kids doing damage back here. This back seat has seen five years of felons, and they can jump around all they want!

''{Red laughs and jumps up and down in his seat. Suddenly, however, the door slams shut, trapping Red inside. He reacts in alarm.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, boy...!

''{Red looks out the window and hits it a few times with his shoulder. He then repeatedly pounds on it with his fist. Wipe to a later scene. Shards of broken glass lie on the ground. Red is now outside the car again, his right hand heavily bandaged. The window has been shattered. Evidently, he had successfully broken through the glass with his fist and crawled out through the broken window. He holds up a roll of white adhesive tape in his unhurt left hand and a roll of black electrical tape in his bandaged right hand.}''

RED GREEN: Now, you know what people say to me? What do you do about the weird paint job? And I always say... {looks toward the black-and-white of the car} Nothing, looks fine to me. {walks up to front of car} But if you happen to be a whiner, you can change the design real cheap {holds up both rolls of tape} with a roll of white adhesive tape and black electrical tape.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has covered the whole car in the rolls of adhesive and electrical tapes, making something of a black-and-white-striped design.}''

RED GREEN: Is it a Mustang? Is it a Colt? {looks at car's new design} Nope, it's a Zebra! And with all of these stripes on here, you look more like a convict than a cop, which lets your friends know you're still one of them. {chuckles as he gets into driver's seat} So, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, {turns on engine} they should at least find you handy. You know, I'm feeling hungry, and I think it's an emergency!

''{Red puts the striped police car in drive and floors it out of the area, the crying doll, placed under the gas pedal, acting as the wailing siren. The car passes by the Possum Lodge as it leaves.}''

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older fellas out there. You know who you are. Eh? You guys who used to make split decisions about buying or selling, hiring or firing. Now it takes you ten minutes to figure out whether to pay by cash or credit card. {chuckles} Don't worry, you're not losing your mind. This sudden inability to make decisions is actually kind of a safety mechanism. 'Cause, see, your mind doesn't want to make commitments that your body can't keep. When you were 21 and your body said, "Race you to the corner," you wouldn't hesitate. Now your mind forces you to, so you don't have to be picking up pieces of your hamstring on the way back. So if you find yourself at the hardware store well into the second hour of deciding whether to buy an electric lawn mower or a gas unit, hey, let your son make the choice. It's only fair, he's the one that will be pushing it! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Red's Teen Talk
''{Red stands outside the lodge, wearing a yellow slicker. He briefly peeks at the camera through a piece of pipe.}''

RED GREEN: I want to talk to you younger viewers who are still in your teens and still have a chance to save your life. You hear a lot of kids today saying they want to be famous. Now, I'm not a career counselor or anything, {takes a handsaw} but that sounds like a goal that's dangerously vague. {nods} There's a guy who is famous now, even got his picture in the Guinness Book of World Records, because he weighs over a thousand pounds. I'm guessing, when he was fifteen and said, "Someday I'm going to be famous," he wasn't picturing himself spread over a couch with a chin the size of a pillow. Actually, most people that are famous are truly infamous, eh? You look down through the famous people in history, you got a lot of dictators and despots in there. And even the well-known athletes now are usually famous for some scandal involving steroids or fists or lingerie. {leans in close to camera} I tell you something, fame is not an honorable goal. You gotta aim a little higher. {looks around and speaks softly} Go for the money. {nods}

Plot Segment 5
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Well, for once, publicity

and hype was not just

exaggeration.

Bruno's bacon slicer

is incredible.

You know what, harold?

It also shaves ham.

Yeah, we can buy shaved ham now,

which is good 'cause the ham

that bruno was selling

had hair on it.

Uncle red, nobody really cares

about a bacon slicer.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how come everybody and

their cousin is up there in

the butcher shop?

They're not there for

the bacon slicer.

That's the overflow from the

real estate agency next door.

Yeah, nobody cares about

how well you can slice

bacon or shave ham.

Really?

Yeah!

What a world!

It's been fantastic. A movie

star right up here.

You know what happened?

You know that cottage that

kevin black built up on

bluff's point?

Oh, yeah.

A hollywood star bought it.

Hollywood?

Like, hollywood?

Yeah, as in frederick's of...

Wow!

It's fantastic.

A hollywood star right

here in possum lake.

And the rumour is it's like

tom hanks or tom cruise or

sandra bullock.

Oh, harold,

come on, relax.

They're just

people, okay?

Movie stars are no different

than anybody else.

I don't know why everybody has

to treat them special.

Like, if sandra bullock comes

up to you on the street, what

would you do, harold?

Oh!

Well --

(speaking gibberish)

girl, me boy.

And she...

See? That's good.

You just

be yourself.

it's the possum lodge word game.

And we're playing for a very

special prize tonight.

Can you say million

dollar amethyst?

Well, now you'll be able to

spell it too with this brand new

dictionary from staples n' such.

Uncle red.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Mike hamar, today's

contestant, to say this word.

Baby.

Baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

30 seconds... Go!

All right, mike, when a woman is

pregnant, she's expecting her --

social worker.

Okay.

No.

No.

Okay.

She's a mother.

She has a --

problem.

Come on.

Okay.

Finish this song, okay?

Ô yes, sir, that's my -- ô

story.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

When a person is very young,

they talk, then they walk,

they're a --

oh, a stooly.

No.

Okay.

Think a little person,

cries in the night.

You go over to comfort them.

Bring them a bottle.

My cellmate.

Almost out of time, uncle red.

Okay.

Okay.

When you were young

you were --

shooting craps.

Yeah, yeah, and what

did you yell?

Come on, baby!

There we go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if it is sandra bullock who

bought that property up there,

I'm just going to go up

and see if she needs a

personal masseuse.

Or maybe, you know, just

a guy to stare at her.

I could do that.

Harold, harold, I found out who

bought the big cottage.

You're not going to believe it.

Hold on.

Hold on.

My uncle found out who bought

the big cottage. Hold on.

Was it sandra bullock?

No, no, no, think really,

really famous.

Sharon stone?

Oh, the spice girls.

Madonna.

No, no, no.

Think not a woman.

Rue paul.

A great actor.

Tom hanks.

Tom cruise!

No, somebody I think

is a great actor.

Oh, tom arnold.

No!

Flipper.

Yosemite sam.

Stop!

I will tell you who it is.

Okay.

Werner klemperer.

Werner klemperer right

here, harold.

Wow!

It's werner klimpner.

Werner klimpner bought a

cottage right here!

I don't know.

I'll ask him.

Who is he?

Oh, harold, you know

colonel klink.

You know.

Hogan! Nobody escapes

from stalag 13.

Boy, the guys are

going to go nuts.

Werner klemperer right here.

I've got to go tell them.

This is the biggest thing

since hugh beaumont went

fishing in mercury creek.

Doing a little golf.

Well, actually, the driving

range thing for adventures

with bill today.

Beautiful, beautiful day.

Oh, oh, oh. By golly.

Should have brought my

steel-toed golf shoes.

Easy now.

With the golfer, you get out --

oh, boy, bill has

a lot of balls.

You get out in the golf range

there, and you know you enjoy

the weather and --

oh, for gosh sakes.

Still hasn't fixed the hole

in that pocket, obviously.

Can we start now, bill?

Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

For you youngsters out

there, chew your food.

All right?

Oh, no, here he goes

with his tricks.

Oh, man.

I think bill really wanted to

be a vaudeville performer with

his little magic act and

everything.

This is his first

performance, I believe.

And there's his first review.

All right. So we've gone up

to the driving range and put

the balls up there.

That looks kind of neat like

synchronized swimming, except

without the nose plugs.

Oh. Oh, easy. Easy.

How is that leather

hip working out?

There you go.

Hit a beauty.

Oh, look at that, 200 yards

if you're metric,

that's as far as whatever

200 yards is.

Okay. And then, bill -- let her

go there, bill.

Boy, oh, boy.

Like I say, it's a

beautiful day.

And I guess you're done for

the day, are you, bill?

Oh, no. No, don't worry.

It was a rental.

All right, let her go.

Nice shot.

Oh, that's a beauty.

Behind you, bill.

Oh, he's got an idea. Oh.

If he hits the other way --

okay, going to hit

it the other way,

and then it will

come back and go forward.

You might want to move

the bucket of balls.

You might want to

move that bucket.

He didn't. Oh!

Thank you very much, bill.

Beautiful day.

Beautiful day out.

Don't let it bother you.

Don't let it bother you.

You've got to relax in golf.

You've got to stay within

yourself.

Another beauty.

Nothing to this game.

Hit the tree!

Oh! By golly.

Fore!

Head.

Fore head.

I love the game, really.

Oh, now he's challenging me.

Oh, I see, accuracy.

Accuracy, not just distance.

What's so funny?

I don't get that.

Oh, well.

I can hit the tree.

Watch this.

I'll nail this puppy.

Here we go.

There we go.

Oh! Oh, I see.

I don't know what he

had in mind there.

All right. Now bill wants

me to do it again.

Oh, a different tree.

Different tree.

Yeah, sure, I can do that.

I don't get this.

Oh, oh, he's going to put

the helmet on. Oh, okay.

Well, I'll really get it then.

Oh, gosh.

John daley.

Oh, off the van.

Oh, well.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, well, bill, you can adopt.

All right, it's started!

Colonel klink has

been -- sorry,

werner klemperer has been

spotted up at his new

property there.

You see, all the guys are up

there hiding in the bushes.

Got the binoculars, the

telescopes there.

Junior singleton, he said

colonel klink looks exactly

the same as he did on

"hogan's heroes,"

except he's a lot older and

doesn't have the nazi's

uniform on.

You know, uncle red,

I don't think he wants

to be disturbed.

He's got no trespassing signs

and big high fences and

electrical alarm system

and guard dogs.

Harold, he just wants the place

to look like stalag 13,

so everybody will know

where he lives.

That's all.

You want to come

up with us?

No!

Anybody who did one t.V. Series

long before I was born

is no celebrity to me.

Well, harold, he might have

some friends that you like.

Maybe bruce willis might be

up there or clint eastwood,

maybe arnold schwarzenegger.

Or sandra bullock?

Sure! Okay.

I'm coming.

Hang on.

Okay.

I'm ready.

I'm ready.

Whoa.

Whoa.

He won't autograph all that

many pieces of paper.

Autograph! You're

so naive.

You're like the naivest

of the naive.

This is my screenplay. I'm

going to show it to him.

"harold in bikini land."

it's a romantic comedy.

Could be my big break.

Sandra bullock's too!

Welcome to this week's

installment of men's anonymous.

As usual, at this time, I'd like

to invite my uncle red up here

to lead us all in the men

anonymous pledge.

Uncle red.

I'm a man, but I can change

if I have to, I guess.

Okay. To start us off this week,

I have an old friend that hasn't

been at the lodge in 17 years.

Hi, everybody. My name

is ranger gord.

Wait. Ho, hey,

no last names.

Hi, everybody. My

name is ranger.

As you know, I've spent the last

18 years up at fire watchtower

13 looking out for fires.

Until, of course,

I ate the tower.

During that time, I did

something that I'm very

ashamed of,

especially during my

last few years.

You see, being up there alone

for as long as I've been,

without any visitors --

well, except, of course,

for you, red.

I do thank you for that.

It was great.

I mean, they were really,

really helpful.

But let's be honest, red.

You're not a woman.

You're not. You never were,

and that's nobody's fault.

The thing is, when I was up

there, I made a vow to be

true to my dream girl,

julie kotter.

Gabe kotter's wife from "welcome

back kotter," the hit t.V. Show.

Oh, I wanted to be her

sweat hog, I tell you.

I mean, she was my dream

girl, you know.

Anyway, one night, and I'm --

I'm not very proud of this.

One night, I had a dream

about marcia brady.

And then night after night,

it was marcia, marcia, marcia.

And then I get back here -- I

get back here and I see that

marcia brady is incredibly

famous and julie kotter is gone!

She's gone, not even

doing dinner theatre.

And naturally I blame myself

because I dreamt about marcia,

not just julie.

I can't help thinking

it's all my fault!

I ruined julie's life!

Let's show a little

bit of support, guys.

(applause)

I love you guys.

Well, possum lake is no longer

hollywood north.

Werner klemperer is gone!

Oh, god, no one escapes

from possum lake.

How was that?

I know!

I know!

I guess there's just not

enough excitement up here

for a big star, harold.

Excitement?

That's what he came up

here for is to get away

from the excitement.

You guys ruined it for him.

Oh, how did we ruin it?

By asking for his autograph.

Well, big stars are used to --

when he was in the shower.

Asking him how come he didn't

do any good work after

"hogan's heroes."

are you really a nazi

in real life?

Everybody stealing bits

of chrome off his car

for souvenirs.

Harold, we were just trying to

show him that he was one of us.

I even said that to him,

"you're one of us."

that hurt him deeply.

You could see that.

You know, you're the one who

made him angry, harold.

Me?

Yeah, asked him if he

knew sandra bullock,

or if he could get you a date

with her -- or with anyone.

(possum call)

well, it's meeting

time, uncle red.

I'm going to go and

tell the guys that

werner klemperer has

left.

All right.

Unless you want

to do it.

I know nothing!

Yeah, I know, but do you want

to tell the guys --

if my wife is watching, I'll

be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And I'm going to bring

you some sliced bacon.

But if you're looking for some

shaved ham, I'm sorry, the

beard stays.

For the rest of you, thanks

for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here at

possum lodge,

you keep your stick on the ice.

[captions performed by

caption resource center]

the vest. Okay.

Everybody sit down.

Everybody sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Okay. We've got some

announcements.

This is first announcement.

Tyler and tyler insurance

brokers want to remind

everyone that

due to the extensive fire

damage, they will not be

able to handle all of your

insurance needs until they find

a new location and somebody to

insure it.

Tyler and tyler insurance, and

their new slogan is, hey, it

can happen.