False Idol/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

My wife bernice wishes I'd

get dressed up more often.

But when it comes

to wearing a suit

I'm kinda like the c.E.O.

"c" for christmas,

"e" for easter,

"o" for obituary.

Maybe a lot of you

guys aren't like me.

Maybe you got a job

or a strict wife,

or maybe you care

about your appearance.

I can't do anything

about that.

But what I can do

is show you a cheap way

to dry clean your clothes

using your own furnace.

See, now, this here,

this is the heat chamber,

where all the

air goes through.

Now, before you

toss the suit in there,

you wanna really shock

the air freshener to it...

Because let's face it,

people are a lot more

concerned with how you smell

than how you look.

Then you wrap the whole thing

around the aerosol can --

I'll explain what

that's for later.

Okay, now you just stick

the panel back on there.

That'll take care of our air

movement and our deodorising,

but to get any

cleaning done,

we're going to have introduce

some chemicals into the mix,

you can get this from

any hardware store.

[ coughs ]

in the no-smoking section.

[ coughs ]

just soak your

filter with this stuff.

Then when the

furnace fan kicks on,

the cleaner will be

effectively applied

to the garments.

[ continues coughing ]

you know, this stuff's

pretty toxic, so...

[ slurring ]

when you soak the filter

make sure you do it

in a well... Ventilated...

Boy, had a bit

of a nap there,

and talk about dreams!

I dreamt I was riding a big

striped elephant,

wearing a

purple satin mumuu.

Okay, now, to get

the suit clean,

what you do is you turn

the fan switch to the

'on' position

which will kind of

get the air moving around

without turning

the furnace on.

You let that go

for about 10 minutes,

and then to get

the suit back,

you turn up

the thermostat.

The furnace lights up,

and as soon as

your furnace gets hot,

that aerosol can is going to

flatten the wrinkles,

fill your clothes with a

lovely dry cleaning fragrance,

and give you

free delivery.

Oh, boy.

[ cheers and applause ]

easy! Easy!

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

One of those reality tv shows

is coming here.

You believe that?

I figured possum lake would

be the last place on earth

for reality to set in.

I don't even know

what show it is.

Probably

"home brew survivor."

or maybe "who wants

to marry stinky peterson?"

♪ watch for the mail!

I'll never fail! ♪

♪ if you don't

get a letter ♪

♪ you'll know I'm in jail ♪

♪ t-tootsie, good-bye ♪

♪ t-tootsie,

don't cry! ♪

you ain't seen

nothing yet.

No argument here.

So you think

I have a chance?

Don't ever ask me

things like that.

Ha ha ha.

Well, I do!

I'm auditioning

for that reality show.

Oh, yeah?

What is it,

dorks on ice?

No, it's

"singing sensations."

and the winner gets

a recording contract

and a cheque

for $100,000.

Holy cow, harold!

You know what,

you should do this.

I am doing it.

See, that's

good advice.

And as your advisor

I think I deserve

10% of the 100 grand.

Okay.

Hundred dollars, okay.

Harold, 10% of

100 grand is

not $100.

It's 1,000.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner will

receive this coupon

for the port asbestos

little theatre play

about two mis-matched

nova scotia fishermen

forced to live

in the same boathouse.

Don't miss...

"the cod couple ."

all right, cover your

ears there, mike.

Red, you've 30 seconds

to get mike hamar to

say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Uh, okay, mike,

this is how you

get stuff.

Shoplifting?

No, no.

Okay, when you get something

that you didn't have before,

that means you...

Slept in a cheap motel.

No, uh...

Okay, when your dad passes

his genes on to you

you blank them.

Sterilize them.

Okay, no, let's go

a different way here.

This is a place

where you sing.

Uh, the shower.

No, no, actually you perform

with a whole lot of people.

Oh! The prison shower.

No, no, no, mike.

Your mother sang

in one of these.

A topless band?

That was a real tough gig for

the accordion player.

Yeah, uh, red,

you're almost outta time.

Yeah, okay, mike,

when rich people pay a lot

of money for something,

you always hear

this word...

Oh, caviar.

You know that's

just fish eggs?

Guess you gotta

acquire a taste for it.

There we go!

Grab your glue stick

and run with your scissors

down to harold's

hobby house!

[ cheers and applause ]

join me as we explore

the exciting world of

extreme hobbies.

My guest today,

mr. Glen brackston

formerly of

the brackston marina.

[ applause ]

why don't

you stand up, glen,

so people can

recognize you?

Oh, I think they can

recognize me better

sitting down, harold.

I'd prefer if

you stood up.

Really?

Yeah.

All right.

Glen has a

fascinating hobby.

He has an extensive

collection of teacups

and coffee mugs.

I'm told they're from

throughout the country,

and some date back

to the 17th century.

Mm-hmm!

Well, that's not

exactly right, harold.

There's no teacups.

No teacups?

No.

Just coffee mugs?

Coffee mugs are

exciting!

Yeah, it's a

lot of fun.

Actually, it doesn't

require a lot of work,

which is the big plus.

[ chuckles ]

those are paper

coffee cups.

Yeah, it's just

a sample.

The complete collection

is in the back seat

of my car.

You said something about

them dating back to

the 17th century.

No, no,

I meant my car.

It's my 17th

buick century.

Yeah, I love the

buick century.

It's got the reclining

seats that go up --

glen, glen glen!

What would ever compel you

to start collecting

paper coffee cups?

Well, uh, I guess it

was the drive thru.

After going there

for a few months,

the wife got

on my back

about cleaning out

the back seat of my car.

So I get this brainstorm.

I thought, I'll tell her

it's a collection.

Well, the thing is,

it turned out

I enjoyed it

after a while.

Well, actually, I enjoyed

it a lot more

than cleaning out

the back seat of my car.

You know, it's funny,

coz I think collecting

paper cups

would become

kinda limiting.

Well, no, they're not just

coffee cups, harold.

No, no.

See?

That's a double double.

Ahh!

Decaf.

Ah, there it is.

Coffee?

Latte.

Latte!

Yeah,

fools everybody.

You hear a lot

of talk these days

about fossil fuels and how

the depletion of the

rain forest

is melting the icebergs

and drowning all the whales.

So now they've got a

whole bunch of engineers

trying to make cars out of

recycled styrofoam cups

and gasoline out

of cow patties.

But you know, sometimes when

you can't find the answer

looking forward,

you should look back.

Back in time.

This clock stood in

the possum lake town square

for 75 years.

Then last summer they got

a grant to spruce up downtown,

so they put up some spruce

and tore down the clock.

Now they got a big digital one

on top of city hall.

People driving by

think it's the price of gas.

Probably because it

goes up every minute.

You know, this clock is

kind of like the ideal

lodge member...

Strong, dependable,

and you only have

to wind it up once a year.

They say the whole world is

looking for a cheap, reusable,

environmentally friendly fuel.

Well, I got the key.

Got the clock mounted and

connected to the drive train.

You know a clock is really

just a bunch of gears.

So I went to the highest gear

to get the maximum horsepower.

Then I ran a l-o-ong

bicycle chain around it,

through the sun roof and down

through the floor of the car,

and hooked it around

another sprocket

I duct taped

to my drive shaft.

You know I didn't even need

to cut a hole in the

floor boards.

That's the beauty of

using an older vehicle.

Now, I needed a pendulum

to make the clock work.

The original one

was about 10 feet long.

I didn't have

that kind of room,

so I just added some

horseshoes to a pickaxe.

That should make

the clock work fine.

People always said I had

horseshoes up my something.

They just had

the location wrong.

All right, let's see

how our new engine works.

[ grunting and groaning ]

okay, thank goodness I only

have to do that once a year.

Boy, I sound like

dalton's wife.

Anyway, I see by

the big clock on my roof

that it's time to

take this baby for a spin.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Now if you'll excuse me

I gotta go save

the planet.

[ bell gonging ]

I went to a wedding

over the weekend,

and I saw some

beautiful sights...

The bride, the flowers,

the open bar.

But there was one sight

that was less welcome.

That was when dinner ended

and the dj started

and a bunch of middle aged

guys started shaking

what was left of their

booty on the dance floor.

No, no, no, no,

no, no, no.

Now, just in case you think

I'm being a wet blanket,

let me be clearer.

If you're the father

of the bride,

when you dance

with your daughter,

that's a moment

to remember;

likewise if you're a guest

and your wife wants to dance

with you to 'moon river,'

get out there and do that

little rockin' two-step

that hasn't let you down

since the seventh grade.

But I'm talkin'

about the fast songs.

You've let

your body go.

Don't do the mashed potato;

you are

the mashed potato.

You can't do

the locomotion

if your engine is only half

the size of your caboose.

Those aren't

strobe lights.

That's you passin' out.

Now, I know there's always

gonna be at least one guy

who gets a couple

of drinks in him

and ignores my advice.

That's when you need

to do the right thing.

Just get a couple of

paramedics to walk over,

tap him on the shoulder,

and quietly say maybe you

should just sit this

one out, mr. Green.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

well, today's the big day.

Harold's gone down to the

community centre

to audition for that

"singing sensations" tv show,

along with almost

everybody in town.

Moose thompson didn't go.

I believe he has a deal

with another network...

"all-star battle of the

giant freaks of nature."

but I gotta figure

harold didn't do so well,

so I should probably

be nice to him.

I hate this.

[ cheers and applause ]

yo, dawg, 'arold's

in the 'ouse.

What up, g?

[ laughter ]

what did he say?

Ah, ahem,

ah, he's saying, um,

oh, he wants to know

how you are.

Worried.

It's for real,

mr. Green.

Harold made it into the

semi-quarter semi-finals

of "singing sensation."

he's gonna be on tv!

So we really gotta pitch

in for tomorrow night,

for the next round.

Yeah, uncle red, coz I need

all you guys to phone in, okay.

Coz you gotta phone in

and vote for me.

That way I get to go

onto the next round

and beat that 8-year-old girl

from port asbestos.

No, I can't do it,

not tomorrow night,

because I'm going down to the

arena to buy tickets

for the

monster truck rally.

Sorry.

I think my singing career is a

little more important

than monster trucks.

Okay, harold,

I know you're

excited right now,

so I'm gonna

let that go.

All right,

all right, harold.

Forget the monster trucks.

I'll do the

phone in thing.

Ah! That's good!

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

That's great.

Come on mike.

This is great.

This is perfect.

Oh, boy!

Red: Costs 10 bucks

to launch your boat

at the possum lake boat ramp,

which is fine,

but the worst thing is

they actually have an

attendant to actually

make sure you pay.

So as a result,

he's not all that busy

as a rule.

Now, we're there,

and we have boats,

but we're waiting

for a certain time...

Usually around now

would be lunchtime.

And this is a man

who doesn't skip meals.

So we figure as soon

as he clears the area,

we got 30 minutes

to get our boats launched.

That's when

the fun begins.

Now, I got the v-8,

so I'm the first one

down there with the

possum van.

Walter stuck his boat on top

of his car pointing down

so he can hardly

see where he's going.

And I started down there,

but sometimes

when you're in a hurry,

you know,

you get a little --

walter's a

bit lost there,

and bill just stuck

the canoe on top there.

So I'm tryin' --

no, no, no.

One more time.

No, no, back.

No, cut her right.

Cut her right.

Cut her right.

Not that -- not that --

ah!

That's a little

frustrating.

And, again, bill

is working his way through.

She gets turned sideways

and, uh --

well, you can

see what's comin' here.

So now bill pulls up

in front of me.

He's upset because I'm

takin' up the whole ramp,

and he's sayin' he wants

to launch his canoe.

To which I say,

what canoe?

And you realise that he's

up the creek without a canoe,

actually at this point.

So he goes back

to get his canoe on there.

Meanwhile, walter's havin'

problems, uh, with visibility,

so he figures what he should

probably is back up

and use the side mirror.

He's got a

clear view there.

And you know, in theory,

it's not a bad plan.

But in practice...

Not so good.

So now he's lost his mirror,

so he pulls ahead

to pick up the mirror,

not realising bill is driving

around in the same area.

And now of course bill has

duct taped the canoe

right on there

and he throws the anchor

inside up at the bow end.

And he's okay.

He's good to go.

So he takes off

with that unit.

And meanwhile, walter is

driving all over

the place too,

and so am I, trying to

get my boat launched.

But bill doesn't realise

there's a bit of a ramp

on the side of the road,

and that tends

to fire the anchor out

and she winds

around a tree,

which pulls the

canoe sideways and well...

That's the name

of that tune.

Meanwhile, I'm comin'

down the thing,

walter bangs into me,

bill slams into him,

and before you know it,

everything is going

down the boat ramp.

Okay, that didn't

work out perfectly,

but I like to put a

positive spin on things.

So I'm figurin', yeah,

it cost us 10 bucks each,

but we launched

more than our boats...

We launched our vehicles.

[ applause ]

kinda looks like pbs,

doesn't it?

Uh, harold's debut

was tonight on the

big tv singing show,

and we've been trying

to vote for him for

about an hour,

but the lines

are always busy.

There's no redial buttons

on these phones that

dalton gave us.

In fact, there's no

buttons at all!

Oh, wait, wait.

I'm gettin' through.

Uh, yes, I wanna place

a vote for, uh,

harold green.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, wait.

I'll order a double cheese,

hold the anchovies.

[ phone rings ]

uh, yes, a vote for

harold green, please.

It's me,

you idiot.

Dad?!

Hello?

Oh, hello, yes.

Harold green.

No, no, no.

He's the one

with the teeth.

What?

What do you mean he

wasn't on the show?

Wasn't harold

on the show?

I didn't watch.

It reminds me of work.

Harold!

How'd it go?

What happened?

All those people,

watching me?

I got stage fright

and didn't go on.

But harold you're

on our show all

the time.

Yeah, but this time there was

gonna be women watching.

The pressure was

just too much.

Pressure was too much.

You know what,

I think maybe we

should stop phoning in.

Yeah, but they gave me

a prize for participating.

I got five tickets to the

monster truck rally.

Wow!

Hey, yeah.

Whoa!

Whoa!

You got a prize

for not singing?

I can see the logic.

Well, coz you all

phoned in for me,

I wanna give you

each a ticket.

Hey, thanks,

harold.

Boy, these seats

are pretty high.

Well, you can see

the show from there.

I can see my

house from there.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time.

Yeah, you guys go ahead.

I'll be right down.

Thanks again,

harold.

So if my wife watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

Got great news.

It's okay with me if you invite

your parents over for

the evening

on, uh, November 23.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold,

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down. Sit down.

Everybody sit down.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

And bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change

if I have to...

I guess.

Okay, men, harold's

had a pretty big day here.

He realised he was

in a no-win situation,

and he had the good

sense to give up.

He may get married yet.

I'd like to just have a small

round of applause for harold.

[ one person claps lightly ]

and I believe, harold,

you have a few words.

Harold: Yes. Yes.

Um, I wanna thank all my fans

for sticking close to me,

but I'm afraid I'm going

to have to abandon my

singing career.

[ strong applause ]

[ chanting "harold" ]

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