Rules Of Engagement/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You ever notice how

you always lose more

than one thing

at a time?

Like, say, your car keys

and your temper?

Well, I got this

neat trick.

I duct tape my car keys

to a cell phone.

Now, when I need

to find them,

I just dial

the cell phone

and look around the house

for where the ringin's

coming from.

[ phone vibrating ]

man, I hope I didn't

set it on vibrate.

[ phone vibrating ]

see, now, that's why

I hate technology.

Harold's going

to need a new phone.

And I'm going

to need a new car.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

All right.

Thanks very much!

I appreciate that.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

Harold has broken up with

his girlfriend, bonnie.

Audience: Awww!

Yep, all the guys

feel pretty sorry for him,

trying to cheer him up.

Some of them are even

talking to him.

Oh, hey,

harold.

Did you want

to see me?

Yeah, notice anything

different, harold?

You're gonna

do the laundry?

No, no, no.

No, I've got a little

surprise for you.

You doing the laundry

would be a surprise.

Now, harold,

you don't know this,

but I feel

sorry for ya.

Well, right

back at ya'.

No, no, no,

harold,

I know you're upset about

breaking up with bonnie.

I'm fine.

No, you're not.

You know what

you need, harold?

Yes, I do actually.

No, you don't, no.

You need to be my partner

in a two-man kayak race.

Wow!

What a compliment!

What a potentially

life-threatening

compliment,

but still...

Do we even have

a two-man kayak?

We will.

Here,

you go practice.

I never worked

one before...

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

and tonight, mike hamar

is playing for

a free gourmet meal and

toenail clipping

at marjorie's epicure

and pedicure.

For meals and heels

just pull up a chair

and pull off your socks.

Okay, mike,

cover your ears.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get mike to say

this word...

Yeah, all right,

dalton.

And go!

Okay, mike, over the years

in your dealings with the law

you've made a few...

Plea bargains?

Yeah, no.

Okay, in your criminal

activities in the past,

they were all...

Lifestyle choices.

Okay, okay.

But looking back

at those now,

you can see you

made a lot of...

Money.

Yeah, but you don't

do that anymore

because you

learned from your...

Parole officer.

Okay, mike,

if you made a bunch

of faux pas, those are...

Desserts?

They're delicious.

The cream, the caramel

are just so fantastic.

I really like them.

Okay, mike,

we say, we're all human,

nobody's perfect.

We all make...

Gas.

Almost

out of time, red.

Okay, mike, you've given up

being a criminal

because you got

tired of making...

Bail.

No, I'm talking about all

the crimes you committed.

Those were the biggest

what of your life?

Oh, thrills.

Except for the times

I got caught.

Those are mistakes.

There we go!

Yeah! Yeah!

Mike: How do you know

if you have body odour?

When you say "you"

do you mean me,

specifically,

or people in general?

I think he means

you specifically.

No, I mean people

in general,

present company

included.

How can you tell if

you have a bad case

of body odour?

You sure you don't mean

winston, specifically?

I think the bigger

question is

who is going

to tell you

if you have some

offensive problem

like b.O.?

Or bad breath.

Or feet.

Because you've got

to hear it, you know.

You know,

as anthony anthony says,

"when we listen,

"truly listen,

"we can hear...."

ah, something or other,

I can't remember

what it was.

It's really -- I mean,

who is going to tell you

if you suffer from

something offensive

and embarrassing,

like some kind

of personal problem?

Is your friend going

to tell you that

you smell?

No, 'cause then you

don't want him as

a friend, right?

Red: All right, winston,

you have b.O.

That's the thing,

because who don't

like you

are not going to tell

you stuff to your face.

They're going to do it

behind your back, right?

And if they really

don't like you,

they're not going

to tell you anything at all

ever, at all, ever.

Like my dad.

Red: And mike, you smell

like an ashtray.

So no one's going

to give you the

bad news.

No one.

Nope.

And if you did get

the bad news,

would you be

willing to hear it?

Well, sure.

I would.

How else are you going

to improve, red?

[ applause ]

man, the roads

around here

are in terrible shape.

It wrecks your car,

and it limits your speed.

It's almost enough

to make you pay your taxes.

But rather than do something

I know I'll regret later,

I've been trying to find

a way to smooth out the ride.

Now, this one

worked great

the odd time the helmet

actually lined up with

the pothole.

Other than that, it felt

like you were walking

with one high-heeled

shoe on...

Not that

I've done that.

Now, this one wasn't

totally successful

because I forgot that

bernice is allergic

to feathers.

I even tried filling up

the potholes.

Everybody at bernice's

work gets one of these

totally uneatable

christmas cakes

every year for

the last 35 years,

so we've got a

fair whack of them.

And if you

flip them over,

they're the same size

and shape as the pothole.

The trouble is,

after 35 years,

the christmas cakes are in

about the same condition

as the road.

But then, in today's paper,

something caught my eye,

right about there.

No, no, I was looking

through the personals

to see if any of my old

girlfriends have come

to their senses,

when I saw some guy's

trying to unload

an above-ground pool.

And I'm thinking, hey,

that could be just the ticket.

Now, I don't have any

money to give him,

but maybe we can work out

a trade of some kind.

We'll see.

Okay, that was

a mistake.

I should have

emptied it first.

The only thing I need

from the pool is the side.

Cutting it in half

so I get two wide rings

of sheet metal.

It's light,

it's durable

and it's smooth,

a lot smoother than

the roads around here.

But I'm not going to be

driving on the roads anymore.

I'm going to be driving

on these babies.

Maybe I'm getting

a little ahead of myself,

but I'm just trying

to keep up with you guys.

I'm using these

lawn mower handles

as guides

for my pool sides.

Of course, taking the

handles off the lawn mowers

means I can't

cut the grass,

so it's a win-win.

The idea here

is to put something

between your

tires and the road,

something that will

smooth out the bumps...

Kinda like your

what wife does

between you and

the neighbours.

Funny how slipping a ring on

can change your life forever.

Now, I'll just glide

over the potholes.

And here's

another bonus...

Real easy to find this car

in the parking lot.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

And if the cops

pull you over

and ask you what

the heck it is,

tell them

it's a car pool.

[ applause ]

I know it took a while,

but I've finally,

mostly, pretty much,

begun to embrace

the internet,

especially the stuff

on used-crap.Com.

The problem is

just as I was getting

comfortable with this

technology,

they went ahead

and invented the blog.

This is the place

in cyberspace

where any person whose

brain is half the size

of their leisure time

can spout off about what they

think of what they do

or who they feel should be

running the country.

It used to be called,

talking to dad.

But of course

now it's gone global.

A lot of you older guys

are logging on.

Well, here's my advice:

Log off.

Your own wife doesn't

particularly care

that you're getting close

to patenting your idea

for the t-shirt with the

deodorant built right

into the armpits.

What makes you think

they're dying

for this information

in finland?

My advice is

to relax

and go back to annoying

your immediate family.

And if at the end of the day,

you really feel

like you just got

to share your opinions

and petty complaints

with the whole world,

do it the

old-fashioned way...

Get your

own tv show.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

Don't play texas hold 'em

with your septics.

If you see one,

and it raises you

two on the river,

call me before you

go all in.

C'mon, harold,

we're good to go.

Okay, I'll

be right there!

Two-man kayak

trials are today.

You know, I think harold

and I can win this thing,

if we can figure

out how to cheat.

You know, uncle red,

I don't know about this.

We're going

to be fine, harold.

Here, put your

number on.

I'm a zero?

This is supposed

to cheer me up?

Well,

look at this way,

if the boats finish

in numerical order,

you'll be ahead

of number one.

See, I went

with number nine,

that's bobby hull's

number.

Because we're going to be

in a bobbing hull?!

Right, we're going

to be in bobbing hull.

You know harold,

I can't wait for your

first eskimo roll.

Well, me either,

me either.

I hear they'

delicious.

Yeah.

Well, the kayak's

all ready, harold.

We're going

to clean up.

Wow, I never thought

I'd be going down

the river

in a 12-foot maytag.

You'll be going

down the river just

fine, harold.

Or up the creek.

Why do you always have

to be so negative,

harold, eh?

She's light.

She's strong.

She's seaworthy.

And the galvanized

metal is perfect

for the toxins

in our fresh water.

It doesn't look

very comfortable.

No, no, it's fine.

I took the agitator out.

But you just

put him back in.

Right?

Bobbing hull,

bbing hull!

Red: Bill and winston went

down to the batting cage

we have just outside

possum lake there.

And bill's in a hurry

but winston says,

don't forget your helmet.

You need the batting helmet.

There you go -- oh!

Just a little outside.

That's a little small.

No, you got to get

that on there, bill.

Get it on there.

Get it on -- no!

Look out, look out,

look out... Oh!

Look at the bright side,

the hat fits now.

And they've

got all the gear.

Actually, bill was going

to do the batting

and winston was going

to do the catching.

Ooh, oh it's --

oh, safety --

safety is an important.

I think that's supposed

to go under the --

all right,

all right, okay.

I hope the ride program's

not out today.

And so, as I was saying,

winston was going to

do the catching,

and bill was going to --

easy, ohh --

look out, look out,

look out.

Okay. Okay.

Wow.

No kids, eh?

All right, so you've seen

these batting cages deal.

You get in, you pick

your favourite bat

and you get ready.

Bill's got quite

a wind up going there.

I think you missed --

I think you missed --

no, no, let --

leave well enough alone.

I think you missed

an important step here.

You've got to --

it involves --

it involves --

bill, bill, bill, bill.

Money, quarter.

Money, quarter,

in the box,

quarter in --

quarter --

yup, yup,

quarter in, quarter.

Then you can pick what kind

of pitch you want there.

You got slow ball,

slow pitch.

He goes for the fast ball,

and that's all ego.

All ego right now.

So he gets ready.

Here comes the fast ball.

And...

So bill's still

watching.

Reaction time

a little slower.

You know, yeah...

So maybe

let's re-think that.

Go with the slow pitch.

He's going to be able

to hit this one.

So he gets back

and in she comes.

He just drills it,

and it goes right down

the throat of the machine,

jams all the machinery.

Now they got no more

balls coming,

so they decide to approach

the machine with caution

and see if they can --

I think if you just touch it

you may be able to

free that up,

but just be careful.

You might want

to shut that off first

before you actually --

oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

All right,

later that day

he decided to try

the knuckle ball.

Nobody ever got hurt

with a knuckle ball.

No, no, you got

to wait for it.

You got to --

patience is a big --

no, no,

that won't help.

Get back in

the batter's box.

Just wait --

wait for it!

You're at strike three

and the ball's

not even there yet.

All right, yeah, bunt,

bunt, that's a good idea.

Oh... Oh!

So bill abandons the bat,

picks up the plate and...

Oh!

Okay, you know what,

bill, you're out,

and I believe

so is winston.

[ applause ]

sometimes, when men look

like they're goofing around,

we're actually

thinking.

And the opposite happens

even more often.

So you probably figure

I'm just playing

with this radio-controlled toy,

but I'm actually working on

one of the biggest unsolved

dilemmas facing

modern man.

How to drive while

you're eating...

Without spilling

stuff on yourself.

Let's say you need

a little snack

to tide you over.

Triple cheeseburger

in one hand,

extra large pop

in the other,

half a pound a fries

on your lap.

Get yourself an extra-grip

cover for your stirring wheel,

make sure it's got

the big bumps on it.

That's for traction.

Okay, you secure the

toy truck to the dashboard,

using the handyman's

secret weapon.

Then you mount the controller

under the steering column

so you can steer

with your leg.

Kind of

like a dog does.

Problem solved.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got some

arteries to clog.

Okay, you might to check

the batteries in the toy,

before heading out.

[ applause ]

we lost.

I little tip for you

kayakers out there...

If you're in a boat made

from washing machines,

they have a tendency

to go into the spin cycle.

Harold and I spun

into a rock.

Kayak broke in half,

so instead of having

a two-man kayak,

we had two

one-man kayaks.

I'm sure I'll be able

to get this off

once the swelling

goes down.

Uncle red,

uncle red...

I know, I know,

harold, I know --

uncle red.

I know.

No, you don't know.

No, you don't know.

You don't know

anything, ever.

Yes, I do,

harold.

I know the two-man

kayak was a mistake.

I should have thought

it through --

yeah, uncle red,

uncle red,

I was talking

to bonnie.

Well, that's good,

I'm glad you were

talking to bonnie

because you shouldn't

be unfriendly to her

because --

uncle red, she gave me

a ride home in her car!

How did you get to

sit in her car with

a thing on like that?

I stood on the tailgate.

Would you let me finish,

please?

Well, pick it up

a little bit, harold!

I want to get out

of this kayak.

I asked bonnie

to marry me!

Audience: Ohhhhh!

[ applause ]

I couldn't have

heard that right.

I must still have

some water in my ear.

No, you heard me

absolutely correct.

I have asked bonnie

to be my wife.

Wow!

You know what,

that's the dumbest

thing I ever heard of.

Well, she said yes.

I stand corrected.

No, you don't get it,

uncle red.

This is like one of

those weird life moments.

You know,

where I realize,

that bonnie and I,

we need to be together.

You know, harold,

wait a second.

You had a

rough day, okay.

You went down the river

in a washing machine kayak.

You banged your head

on at least seven rocks.

And your paddle.

Oh yeah!

[chuckling]

but you need to

just slow down a bit.

Bonnie's not the

right girl for you.

Come on, you may be

half cra --

hi bonnie, just

talking about you.

Yes, mr. Green, I need

a little favour from you.

Oh,

here we go.

Harold looks

up to you.

He respects you

very much.

And now that he is

going to be my husband,

I would appreciate it

if you didn't, like,

accidentally kill him

before the wedding!

I think she's got a point.

I have to agree with that.

That's reasonable.

Well, okay.

I'll stop trying

to turn harold

into a man

because it's

probably hazardous

to his health,

how's that?

Thank you, mr. Green.

All right,

you're welcome.

I'll see you

later, pookie.

Awww.

See you later,

mrs. Pookie.

Pookie or spooky,

you tell me.

Audience: Oooooooh!

[ possum squealing ]

what was that?

That's the meeting,

harold.

Oh, right.

You go ahead,

I'll be right down.

Right.

Harold, we have

the meeting downstairs.

Oh yeah, right.

That's a big load.

So if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

Harold asked bonnie

to marry him,

and she felt so sorry

for him, she said yes.

Sound familiar?

And the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, guys.

Everybody,

sit down.

Everybody sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

All right men, big news,

harold and bonnie

are getting married.

[ cheers ]

see, they're really

happy about it.

Misery loves

company.

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