Let Me Count The Ways/Transcript

The complete transcript for Let Me Count The Ways

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * We love the words that weddings bring:
 * Love and honour and a beautiful ring,
 * Brides and grooms, maids and men,
 * Mum and dad, Barbie and Ken.
 * But one thing's true both near and far:
 * Two words that should never join are cash and bar.

Plot Segment 5
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show!"

and now here's a man who

doesn't just flirt

with disaster,

he buys

her a drink.

Your host,

your hero,

my uncle,

red gr-e-e-e-n!

(cheers and applause)

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Bit of disappointment

up at the lodge

this week.

We had our annual man

of the year award,

which I kind of had

my eye on there.

But flinty mcclintock won it,

and I come in second.

What did you win

the award for?

Most fermented beverages

consumed at an

indoor event?

No, harold, this is an award for

spending a lot of time up here.

I'm really surprised

that flinty beat you.

I mean, you spend a lot

of time here at the lodge

doing...

You know, being here.

Yeah, well, flinty was

here 364 days last year.

Wow, that's every day but

christmas I guess?

No, well, he was

here on christmas,

but his brandy

stuffing exploded,

and he spent 24 hours

in the top of a tree,

and the judges wouldn't

let him count it.

You know, actually, I'm kind

of glad flinty won, you know.

Maybe it will make up for

the fact that his wife

left him today.

What?

Yeah.

He doesn't

even know yet.

I guess he doesn't

spend much time at home.

Well, that's not

very supportive.

The guy wins man of the year;

she's not even there to

congratulate him?

Come on, what

do you expect?

He ignored her

for over a year.

There's a lesson to be

learned in there, uncle red.

Flinty was first

to lose his wife,

but maybe you'll

come in second.

Don't be crazy, harold.

Maybe I'll just

go give bernice

a phone call, eh?

Harold?

Harold?

928 --

yeah, okay, okay.

[ôôô]

kind of a wing-ding of

an episode this time around.

A lot of engineering

involved in this show,

I mean, we've got the other

stuff too, which is pretty

much filler I guess you know,

but there's a lot of

really good engineering

physical stuff.

So stay tuned and learn.

Ah,resources has announcedl

that anyone catching fish

and then releasing them back

into the waters of possum lake

will be charged with

cruelty to animals.

Good to know.

Harold,

did aunt bernice say

anything to you about

going anywhere?

She's not at home.

I was just wondering.

No, not to me,

you know.

I mean, why would she

say anything to me?

Weren't you home last night?

Yeah, I was home, harold.

Did you have dinner

at home last night?

Of course

I did, harold.

Was aunt bernice

there then?

Yeah, yeah, she was home.

She made me turn the t.V. Off.

Well, did she say

anything at that time?

Yeah, yeah.

You know what? She was

talking about bosnia.

No, no, that was the

lady on the radio.

I'm not sure.

You don't even

know what's going on

around you, do you?

What was her day like?

What was she wearing?

Aunt bernice is supposed

to be the woman you love,

and you don't even know what

happened at the dinner

table last night.

Well, thank you, geraldo.

Well, as a matter of fact,

I do know what went on, okay?

We had stuffed pork chops;

we had baked potatoes, loaded;

we had candied carrots,

and we had apple pie

for dessert.

Uncle red, I'm talking about

what you remember in your

heart and your mind,

not just in

your stomach.

We all know that

has total recall.

Ô we love the words that

weddings bring ô

ô love and honour and

a beautiful ring ô

ô brides and grooms,

maids and men ô

ô mom and dad ô

ô barbie and ken ô

ô but one thing's true

both near and far ô

ô two words that

should never join ô

ô are cash and bar ôô

it's time to play the

possum lodge word game,

and this week, we're playing

for fantastic prizes.

Mr. Dougie franklin has

an opportunity to win

a five-piece bedroom set which

includes a bedroll, a bedpan

and three magazines.

Okay. Uncle red --

uncle red has 30 seconds to

get  mr. Dougie franklin

to say this word --

cover your ears --

manners.

Manners.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

30 seconds, and go.

All right, dougie,

women like a

man who has...

A quiet

exhaust system.

No, no, no, no, no.

When a man is polite around

women, that's a sign  of...

Desperation.

Okay, okay, dougie, you have a

person who belches and picks

their teeth at the table...

Mom!

Let me finish here.

Sorry.

When someone belches at the

table, that's a sign  of bad ...

Burritos.

You're almost out

of time, uncle red.

All right dougie, when you belch

at the table, your mom says

mind your...

Spray.

Oh, disgusting.

Well, only if you

hit somebody.

Come on,

I got manners.

(frantic bell ringing)

you know, this current

recycling craze

has made me feel a bit guilty

about all those years I

never recycled anything

except beer and

my own cooking.

So this week on

handyman corner,

I'm taking on a major

recycling project.

Now, I know you're supposed

to separate out your pop

cans and your newspapers

and plastics,

but that's pretty whoosy,

small potatoes if you ask me.

I wanna do something that's

a little more impressive,

I wanna do

something big.

I'm thinkin'...

How about a city bus?

How about that?

How many pop cans is

this one worth?

I got this unit for 50 bucks.

50 bucks.

Oh, yeah, a lot of parts are

missing, and it doesn't

run too good,

but 50 bucks?

Boy, our society's values

are all screwed up.

Now, you could make

anything out of this.

You could make a --

well, you're really only

limited by your own imagination.

Tell you what

I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna turn this thing

into a cigarette car.

You know how they've

got the cigarette boats

where the driver sits

way at the very back

then the hood goes way

out in front of him?

I'm gonna make the version

of that for the road!

Yeah, I've already got

the backseat to drive from,

and I've got the big, long hood,

except right now it's a roof.

All right. I had to switch to

the saws, awhile there,

'cause I cut through the torch,

but I got her all set.

She's pretty much done now.

Just got to cut down above

the windows and drop that

whole roof down,

and that's going

to be my hood,

then I'm done.

That's it.

Well, no, I've got to hook up

the steering at the back

and then the brake and the gas

and the clutch, standard,

then the transmission

and then the turn signals,

get her safetied,

that's a wrap.

And there you have it,

the world's first cigarette car.

Is she a beauty or what?

Not much on seating,

but you can't beat

her for leg room.

Kinda looks like a

batmobile or something.

I could be a superhero.

(imitating 'batman' theme song)

ô bus boy! Ô

well, let's take her for a spin

before they tighten up the

transportation laws.

This isn't a streetcar

named desire,

it's a bus called horse.

I wanna talk to you older guys

out there for a sec.

Sooner or later you're gonna

have to replace that lawn mower,

and even that electric drill

that you bought when you started

doing your own dental work.

And, you know, you're at

the age where

these are probably the last ones

of those you're gonna buy for

the rest of your life.

Think about how long

you've had that drill,

and how many years that

mower ran for you, eh?

So what you're buying

now are not power tools,

they're future heirlooms.

So if you want to be remembered

as a great guy, get the best.

Don't just get

an electric drill.

Treat yourself to a variable

speed cordless with the

extra battery.

And don't just get a lawn mower.

Get a lawn tractor with

the padded seat and the

drink holder.

Maybe even emboss your

name across the front.

Don't worry about the price.

It's not your money,

it's their inheritance.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Well, I'll tell you

one thing about men...

Once you get our attention,

there's no stopping us.

You say that like

it's a good thing.

Oh, it is, harold.

I mean, ever since flinty's

wife made a run for it,

a bunch of us lodge members

got talking and -- maybe --

hey, maybe we're taking

our wives for granted.

And we decided to have

a special lodge weekend,

have all the wives come up and

just do whatever they want.

What they will

want to do is leave.

I don't

think so, harold.

You know what I think?

I think they're going

to want to go fishing.

Why? They never did before.

You wanna

know why?

Because we never let them

decide what kind of fish

to fish for, see?

That's all

changed now.

We're sensitive now.

We're new men.

Well, then, you're

gonna need new fish

because there's none

in possum lake.

See, it's not

about fishing.

No?

Just sitting in the boat talking

about whatever they want

to talk about...

Cars, t.V. Shows, family.

I hope it's not

about family.

Don't worry, I think they'll

just want to talk about leaving.

No, harold.

No, no.

We're turning all our cabins

into honeymoon suites, harold.

It'll be fantas --

look at this,

I've got christmas lights,

all red bulbs.

And I'm putting these

curtains over the windows.

They're romantic and

cheaper than glass.

Why don't you just take aunt

bernice to a nice hotel?

Oh, harold, hotels don't

have what possum lodge has.

I know. If they did,

they'd be condemned.

All right. This here is kind

of the antique roadkill

show kind of deal,

where lodge members bring

in something of value,

and we got dalton humphrey,

who's  kinda an expert on

curios, collectibles and crap,

tell them what it's worth.

Take it away, dalton.

Thank you, red.

And with me today here is

bush pilot, buzz sherwood.

H-e-e-e-y! How's

it going, humpster?

How's it hanging?

A little looser now, thank you.

Did you bring us

anything today, buzz?

Oh, yeah.

It's like one of those

wind spinny things.

You know, you get them on the

roof of the barn, right?

A weather vane!

Okay, okay.

Well, well.

Where did you get this?

I found it...

Stuck to the pontoons

on my plane.

Do you know who made this?

Yeah, I think it'

a guy named swen.

Sven?

No, not sven... Swen.

S-w-e-n,

swen.

No, you see, buzz,

these are directions,

like "n" for north,

east, south, west,

like the compass in your plane,

you know, if your

plane had one.

Oh, okay sure.

So what do you think

it's worth, man?

It's like a bundle?

No, no, no, no.

Not much, no, no.

'cause, you know, it's damaged.

So, you know, I would

just give it to me,

then I won't be inclined to

want to tell anyone about

your little incident,

like the airplane police.

Oh, sure, man.

That's cool.

Hey, do you want

to buy some laundry?

No, not really,

not unless it's my size.

Well, it probably is because

it was your clothesline.

Heigh-ho, welcome to the expert

portion of the show

where we explore those three

little words that men find

so hard to say...

Audience:  I don't know.

Okay, joining me and uncle red

on the expert portion of

the show this week is

mr. Winston rothschild of

the rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Thank you.

Where our motto is...

If your eyes are stinging,

my phone should be ringing.

Okay.

Today's letter reads...

"dear experts, every summer

and fall, my wife makes

fruit preserves,

"they're pretty

much inevitable,"

or does that say "inedible?"

they're either

inevitable or inedible.

Probably both, harold.

"how can I show her I really

appreciate her preserves

without eating any?"

okay, all right.

I find the fruit preserves

are kind of like neckties,

it's something you

get at christmas

from people who either don't

like you, or are too cheap

to buy you a real gift.

Exactly.

For instance,

I give my mom's preserves to

customers who haven't paid.

Oh, yeah. It sends

a real message.

Oh, and if they eat 'em,

generates a lot more business.

Winston, you better

hope your mom's

not watching.

This show?

Not a chance.

You know, another thing

with the preserves, you know,

you guys could be donating

them to, like, food banks.

Oh, come on, harold, those

people have enough problems.

See, no one said preserves

had to be eaten, eh?

And my mom's preserves

make great paint.

Oh, yeah. They are colourful,

and they stick to anything.

I use it to undercoat

the honey wagon.

I think you guys are

missing the point here

'cause the operative words that

this fellow writes are...

"how can I show her I really

appreciate her efforts?"

oh, right. Okay.

Well, I think, you know,

maybe, like, you know,

tell her the truth.

Maybe you just don't

like her preserves,

but, you know, credit her for

things that you do really

appreciate about her.

Well, that's

a good point

'cause, you know, chances are,

she's fairly attractive.

Well preserved!

Oh, right.

Yeah, I get it!

This week on

adventure with bill,

he invited me

to come over.

He was gonna actually

make an elevator he had

as his project.

Yeah, up and down.

Yeah, very good,

excellent.

That's good work, bill.

He needed a clothesline here,

so I thought I'd speed

things up a little.

There we go.

You're welcome.

All right. Now, I guess

the clothesline is,

I would imagine,

part of the elevator rigging.

You know, this is something for

you youngsters, you know,

something a little later in

life and all through your

life...

You have a buddy, you go up,

and you just do things on a

Saturday or even on a Tuesday

if you have my work ethics.

This is something that brings

a lot of pleasure to you.

And bill is going to --

yeah, okay, I drifted

off a little there.

I think it's the medication

more than anything.

Anyway, he's going to hook up

the pulley, this is the pulley

from the clothesline.

Hook that on to the beam

over the shed here.

You better make sure that's

solid, make that solid,

that's got to support

the whole weight there.

That was unfortunate.

Yeah, she's good, she's good.

That was good to

check that out.

All right. That's going

to be the upper pulley.

Now you need some kind of a --

he's got a wheel

in his pants there

and, oh, an entire

cycle in there.

I guess he's going

through the cycle.

Anyway, this is going to

actually be the vehicle that's

going to be the elevator.

Unbelievable.

See what you can do, kids,

with a little imagination?

He runs the rope up around the

wheel, up through the pulley

and down through around

the wheel.

See? Around the wheel,

and it's kind of a loose fit,

but as he pedals,

it will wind up the cord,

and that's the clothesline

and pull him up to wherever

it is he wants to go.

Up where we belong,

as they used to say.

And the chain broke.

The chain broke there.

The chain.

The chain.

Yeah, there it is.

Yeah, there it is.

Yeah broken.

Yeah broken.

All right, he's got the

chain back together and the

handyman's secret chain repair.

There now, he's all set

to go, and away you go,

bill, way you go.

I am real excited

because I'm not doing it.

Look at that, eh?

Look at that.

Up he goes.

Wow! He's slipping a little,

but he's getting there.

Third floor, lady's lingerie,

weird guys on kids' bikes.

They've got the whole

range in this store.

And when he wants to stop

all he's got to do is

jam on the breaks.

Jam 'em on.

Jam 'em on.

Jam 'em on.

Jam 'em on.

There, the chain broke.

Chain broke.

Chain broke.

Chain broke.

Going down.

Oh, boy.

Are you okay there, bill?

Now, you know, ultimately,

in the elevator business,

it's not the ups

and downs that get you,

it's the jerks.

The guys are all fixing up their

cabins for the wives coming up.

It's really starting to heat up.

We're actually making a little

competition out of it,

seeing who can be the most

thoughtful to their wife,

we're going to have a married

man of the year award,

and I got a real

good shot at it.

You should see my cabin.

Looks like something out of

architectural digest.

Or, architectural

indigest.

Oh, come on, now, harold,

it's unbelievable.

I threw twinkle lights

up over the rhino head.

Oh, yeah.

I got a couple of lamps that

actually have shades,

and since bernice

and I don't smoke,

I'm turning the ashtrays

into snack bowls.

Well, you're going to have to go

some to beat buster hadfield.

Yeah, he's got like shag

carpeting and covered

organ speakers

and a lawn jockey

that holds incense.

Yeah.

He's got the whole cabin

done up, like, in that

zebra-striped fun fur stuff.

Gee, looks so cool.

Looks like the inside of

siegfried and roy's

dressing room.

See, now, that's

too much, harold.

See, women don't go for that,

especially married women.

They like the subtlety.

That's why I've got just a

single rose in a shot glass

on that old hall stand

made out of a cow's leg.

You know, harold, I've got a

real cozy fire going in there.

Your cabin doesn't

have a fireplace.

Well, I'm being careful.

You know, aunt bernice

likes that singer,

that jewleo icicles guy?

Julio iglesias?

What did I say?

All right. Well, okay, I'm

thinking I can get a poster,

maybe a couple

of his tapes.

No, no, just be

yourself, uncle red.

Yeah, be the man that

aunt bernice married

or, you know, that she

thought she married,

or that she wishes

she married.

Actually, you're right.

Be the other guy.

Go for the other guy.

Does aunt bernice know you're

preparing this love nest?

Actually, I was just going

to give her a call now,

unless you think maybe

I should make it a surprise.

What do you think?

Well, if you want her to come,

you're definitely going to

have to make it a surprise.

This is the repair shop

part of the show we call,

if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

My buddy edgar montrose, here,

has brought in something

for us to fix.

What have you

got there, edgar?

Oh, hi, red.

I'm fine.

Thank you.

Oh, today I brought in this

steering wheel from my car.

Wow, had a bit of

a car accident, did ya?

Yep, and that's the bit

of the car that's left.

What happened to

the other car?

What other car?

No, no, I mean the --

oh, oh. No, it was

just my car, red.

You see, I was experimenting

with alternative energies.

I was trying to harness

the energy of the sun.

That's unusual.

Solar power's usually

pretty safe.

Not solar power,

nuclear fusion.

You see, I was  reading

somewhere that the centre of

the sun is millions of degrees

and the pressure is so great

that it just forces hydrogen

atoms together, fuses them.

That's where you get

your energy from.

So you were trying to recreate

the centre of the sun

in your garage?

Well, that was the theory.

I didn't have any hydrogen,

so I had to use dynamite.

The hardest thing was forcing

them sticks down into

the gas tank.

So did you get her up to the

millions of degrees in there,

do you think?

I dunno.

My thermometer only went up to

130, and then it just went.

You know, I don't think

I got it quite right.

'cause it was a lot

brighter than the sun

and a lot louder.

Well, there you go, edgar.

Back to the drawing board.

Oh, no, my drawing board got

blown half way to port asbestos.

Well, harold, it's

just not fair.

I mean, the rules of

the contest were set out

right from the beginning.

Well, I don't know,

uncle red.

These days you have to

accommodate alternative

lifestyles.

Everybody wants to take part

in this married man of the

year competition,

even the guys

that are single.

Old man sedgewick and moose

thompson want to marry each

other just for the contest.

Yeah, but, you know, they're

going to get the marriage

annulled on Monday.

Not according to

old man sedgewick.

He says he wants

to have a family.

It doesn't matter, I'm all set.

I've got my cabin

all ready for the judges.

I got the lighting,

I got the music.

As soon as I figure out what

kind of wine goes with

licorice, I'm done.

(possum call)

meeting time, uncle red.

Yeah, you go ahead, harold.

I'll be down in a minute.

There you go then.

And, bernice, if you're watching

this, I'm going to come home

straight after the meeting,

I'm going to just pick you up

and bring you up to the lodge.

I've got a big surprise waiting

for you in the cabin.

Don't get excited,

it's only decorations.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself, harold

and the whole gang up here

at the lodge,

you keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

[captions performed by

caption resource center]

harold:  Everyone

take you seats!

All rise.

Everyone:

Quando omni

flunkus moritati.

Red:  Sit down.

Harold:  Okay, we only got

the one announcement tonight.

Well, it seems that someone has

stolen all of the stuff out

of my cabin

and replaced it with

a bunch of junk furniture.

Now, I'm talkin' about, like,

my video games are missing

and my thigh master

and my retainer.

Now, you can keep the chia pet.

That's okay.

But I want everything else

returned to cabin 42

immediately.

Red:  Harold,

you're in cabin 43.

Harold:  Okay, so there's

no announcements tonight.