The Driving Lesson/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Driving Lesson

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, my uncle has a dairy farm,
 * A man who likes to putter.
 * He slipped and fell off the roof one day,
 * And landed in the butter.
 * He flipped and flopped for an hour or more,
 * 'Til he was rescued by his wife.
 * She warned him that butter is bad for his health,
 * But he claimed it saved his life.

Commercial bumper
''{Red and Harold walk into the lodge. Red is holding a piece of paper in his hand while Harold makes driving motions with his hands.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we've got lots more of it.

Auto Biography
''{A car is seen driving through a garage in the lodge, with Mike in the driver's seat, Red seated beside him and Harold seated in the back seat. Mike drives up close to the camera, turning the steering wheel several times. Red braces for the car to crash. Mike stops the car, but not before it bumps into the camera, shaking it briefly. Everyone gets situated in their seats.}''

RED GREEN: All right, uh, welcome to "Auto Biography", where, uh, members of Possum Lodge get to have remembrances of cars gone by. Got Mike Hamar here. Mike's gonna tell us his favorite car of all time. {to Mike} Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Ah, that's easy, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Yeah...

MIKE HAMAR: Corvette Stingray.

RED GREEN: Oh boy.

MIKE HAMAR: What a set of wheels. Who could resist a 'vette? Not me.

RED GREEN: {chuckles} No. {nods} That was a beautiful car, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh yeah. I remember the first 'vette I took out for a spin. It was sitting there, parked in front of the convenience store there, and, uh, keys in the ignition there, idling... Man!

RED GREEN: So you didn't actually own the Corvette?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, no, but, uh, you know, for an hour, it was mine. And fast! I mean, she could run– outrun any police cruiser on the road, you know. I mean, that is one great car. Now, I knew guys who used to boost a 'vette, and then they'd sell it for parts. I mean, to me, that is criminal! It's criminal! Cutting up a 'vette, I mean, huh!

HAROLD GREEN: You know, uh, Mr. Hamar, you might wanna remind our viewers that, y'know, car theft of any kind is a bad thing to do. A bad thing to do.

MIKE HAMAR: {realizing} Oh! Oh yeah! Well, oh, yeah, for sure! Um, you know, I love 'vettes, but I now know that a few hours of fun is not worth two to five in minimum security. So I would say if you want a Corvette, buy one.

RED GREEN: Yeah, but they are expensive, though, are they not?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, yeah, they are expensive, yeah, but if you find the right bank, like on a Friday, when they've got a lot of cash...

RED GREEN: {sways head in annoyance, then holds up one hand} Mike, now, remember how that ended?

MIKE HAMAR: {realizing again} Oh yeah, that's right, that's right. Oh, yeah, you're right, Mr. Green. I don't do that no more.

RED GREEN: Oh, okay, good, Mike. Maybe what you need to do, you know, work hard, save your money, build up a credit rating, and you can get yourself your own Corvette. You know, one that you actually own.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, right, and then some loser comes along and swipes it for a joyride? No, thanks. {Red shrugs}

Commercial bumper: Fan contributions
{A slab of stone is displayed with an image of a grinning Harold carved into it.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Thanks to our buddy, Jim Jackson, for this carving of Harold.

Plot Segment 5
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Here at possum lodge.

Harold,

you got an

announcement?

No.

Oh, come on now.

He's a little shy.

Harold has gotten

his driver's license.

He's well on his way

to becoming a man,

because now he has

a reason to get a vehicle.

Once he gets that vehicle,

he will be a man,

unless it's, like,

an '87 sunbird.

Ok, ok, yeah, ok, yes,

I took the driving test.

But I had some mishaps,

some miscues,

and property damage.

You flunked again?

Yeah.

I had the same

driving examiner as last time.

There's only one

driving examiner

in the possum lake area.

I should have expected that.

She gave me

the benefit of the doubt,

until I ran over her foot --

I didn't signal.

Yeah, I know.

Same foot as last time --

she was ticked.

You got to get right back up

on that horse.

You got to go there tomorrow

and take the test again.

No, I can't do that.

Why not?

There's various reasons,

but number one is that

the test car doesn't come back

from the autobody shop

till next week.

That will slow me up some.

She says I have to take lessons

before I can retest.

Nobody in their right mind

would give you driving lessons.

You will? -- Thank you.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

for gosh sakes,

don't even think about

changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

If any of you

are driving instructors,

I'll tell you,

you are all underpaid.

It says "driver will come to

a complete stop

"four meters prior to

the intersection,

"creep forward,

come to another complete stop,

"prior to entering

said intersection."

there are two kinds of people,

those who do things,

and those who write manuals.

A rolling stop is fine.

(laughing)

rolling stop doesn't mean

rolling over.

We were around that corner

on two wheels.

The possum van only has

two good wheels.

Besides,

there was nobody coming.

So you stop

when you see cars coming?

Yeah...

If it's got lights on the roof.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

if you're going to teach me

to drive, it has to be by

proper traffic rules.

In 35 years,

I've never had a problem.

You haven't,

but everyone else sure has.

Do you want to be on the road

driving with people

who drive like you?

I thought not.

(red): Later on we've got

an adventure with bill

featuring tennis, obviously.

He's just warming up a bit.

Give me the racquet.

Thank you very much.

Ow, ow, ow.

Yeah, all right,

so, he's got the warm-up balls

there, and the various

animal-trap containers there.

Away you go, bill.

Get over there.

Go on, get over there.

Away you go.

Get over there.

He may not be quite fit enough

for this...

Tennis has a long history

of people

who shouldn't be playing it.

So we're right in line

with that.

It's more of

an older person's game.

Oh, you got your bouncer.

Oh!

It was a poor choice.

But he's all right.

Oh, oh, golly!

The racquets

are much bigger these days.

I guess bill didn't know--

what are you doing?

You just need a couple.

You need

just a couple in there.

Oh.

It's like that big bucket

of fried chicken.

Serves 20.

Oh boy.

He's starting to look

a bit like a chicken, isn't he?

Wow.

Way you go, way you go.

Oh, man, mister agility.

Make a wish.

There we go.

He can't handle the heat.

What are you doing?

Oh, all right.

No, that's an apple.

Bill, bill.

That's an apple.

Oh, boy, he's got

a wicked slice.

Oh, well, there's an up side.

♪ ohhh ♪

♪ my uncle

has a dairy farm ♪

♪ a man

who likes to putter ♪

♪ he slipped and fell off

the roof one day ♪

♪ and landed in the butter ♪

♪ he flipped and flopped

for an hour or more ♪

♪ till he was rescued

by his wife ♪

♪ she warned him that butter

is bad for his health ♪

♪ but he claims

it saved his life ♪

this is for the big one,

a water-balloon launcher

and 40 air-sick bags.

You have 30 seconds

to get mr. Franklin

to say this word.

Canada.

Canada.

And go!

All right,

dougie,

a country.

The united states of america.

Ok, this is america's

largest trading partner.

The dallas cowboys.

No -- I'm talking about

the second biggest country

in the world.

It's gotta be texas.

Think country, ok?

This is a country

directly north of america.

Alaska.

The longest undefended border

in the world

is between the u.S.A. And...

France,

I believe.

(laughing)

monsieur.

Dougie, I was born

in this place.

Home for unwed mothers.

(laughing)

I'm talking about

where we are right now.

Where are we, right here?

Oh, oh,

ontariari--

no, no, no.

Manitoulin--

no, no, no.

Nova somethin'.

Those are provinces.

What's the difference?

We're out of time.

Way to go.

Oh, that's still a country?

(laughing and applause)

this week

we're gonna make a project

that's going to make you

popular with the kids.

We'll build our own

air-hockey game.

You got two basic principles:

Holes, and you got wind

going through them.

We've all been there.

You need a couple of dryers.

You can pick these up

at a garage sale,

or if you stay up late,

you can hoist a couple

out of a laundromat.

The dryers are free,

but the quarters

to keep them running

will eventually break ya.

Plug up the exhaust

so that the air will go

where you want it to go.

The vent is in the back.

Plug her up with a ball

or a small houseplant.

These units already have

a fair amount of lint build-up.

That will do the job for us.

Somebody must have dried

a cat in there.

Push these dryers together.

And then keep them together

using the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

There's always one, isn't there?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

So that's where they go!

Hockey is a real physical game

with the slap shots

and the cross-checking,

and the inevitable fist fights.

So make sure

you horse these babies down.

Ok, remember that we plugged up

all the exhaust vents.

So now we punch some holes

in the top

so the air will blow up.

Not blow up -- boom.

Blow up -- phhht.

This could take

longer than I thought.

There we go.

Boy, that's a little rougher

than what I...

What you do now, of course, is

you add another layer on that.

Ok, our new surface now

will be pegboard.

You'll probably find a hunk

of this over your work bench.

I never used it all that much

anyhow.

Actually, I dated a girl

named peg board.

She ended up marrying

a real tool.

When you put the pegboard on,

make sure you've got

the smooth side up.

This is what they call

good-one-side.

Come to think of it,

so was the girl I dated.

We got her all set.

I got a jar lid.

That's my puck.

And I got bowls

to hit it with.

The beauty of using a dryer

is you've got the timer.

Even get a buzzer that goes off

when the game's over.

You can be any team.

If you want to be

a european team,

just set her on delicate.

Remember, if women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

It's hockey night in canada.

(crashing)

wow, my first break-away.

Whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

I want to talk to

you older folks

about a little secret

that we all share.

It's about something called

wisdom.

We may not have as much of it

as young people think we do.

Now, I know we all know

the fastest route

to the cottage

and the best food and

the best music and t.V. Shows.

That's more a sign of our minds

narrowing, not deepening.

When I was little, I thought

all old people were wise,

until they'd open their mouths.

Then I'd realize,

"what a stupid old coot."

(laughing)

so as you get on in years,

learn to fake wisdom...

With silence.

If you don't have

a knowing brain,

fake it with a knowing smile.

When you nod and smile,

people will think, well...

Exactly.

In extreme cases, you can add

a wink and a chuckle.

'cause you know

what that says.

Well, that says...

(chuckling)

(laughing)

remember, I'm pullin' for ya,

because, well...

(chuckling)

(coughing)

that wasn't too bad, harold.

Old lady benkman yelled a lot

but I think those shrubs

were already dead.

Oh, that possum van's big, huh?

Ooh, that's got

some power there, I'll tell ya!

Yeah, yeah.

I meant to tell you.

It will go faster

than seven miles an hour.

I was maintaining

a safe speed limit.

It's not a golf cart.

When you stop for a hitchhiker

and they say, "no, I'm in

a hurry," that's a clue.

As a matter of fact,

if you can smell

your own exhaust, that's nature

saying, "pick up the pace."

ok, that's good, ok.

I can pick up the pace.

How were the turns?

Uh, interesting --

I don't think you're letting go

of the steering wheel

soon enough...

Unless you meant to make

the u-turn in the tunnel.

Again, a good point.

I'll try to remember that.

Pick up the pace,

work on the turns...

I got brakes down cold, though.

You slapped the binders on.

The windshield's hard,

isn't it?

How's your head?

I'm gonna have

a lump, yeah.

Ohhh!

All right, welcome to

"auto biography", where, uh...

... Members of possum lodge

get to have remembrances

of cars gone by.

We got mike hamar here.

Mike's gonna tell us about

his favourite car of all time.

Aw, that's easy, mr. Green.

Corvette stingray.

What a set of wheels.

Who could resist a 'vette?

Not me.

No.

That was a beautiful car, mike.

I remember the first 'vette

I took for a spin.

It was parked in front

of the convenience store...

Keys in the ignition,

there... Idling.

Man!

So you didn't actually own

a corvette.

Well, no, but, you know,

for an hour it was mine.

Oh.

And fast? She could outrun

any police cruiser on the road.

That was one great car.

I knew guys

who used to boost a 'vette

and then sell it for parts.

To me, that is criminal.

It's criminal.

Cuttin' up

a 'vette.

I mean, huh!

You know, mr. Hamar,

you might remind our viewers

that car theft of any kind

is a bad thing to do.

A bad thing to do.

(audience laughing)

oh, yeah, well, yeah, for sure.

You know, I love 'vettes,

but I now know

that a few hours of fun

is not worth two to five

in minimum security.

So I would say if you want

a corvette, buy one.

Yeah, but they are expensive,

are they not?

Yeah, they are expensive,

but if you find the right bank,

like on a Friday

when they got a lot of cash...

(audience laughing)

mike, now, remember

how that

ended?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You're right, mr. Green.

I don't do that no more.

Maybe you need

to work hard, save your money,

build up a credit rating.

Then you can get

your own corvette,

one you actually own.

Then some loser swipes it

for a joy ride?

No, thanks.

(audience laughing)

(red): As I tried

to warn you earlier,

"adventures with bill"

this week

is at the tennis court.

I fire one up--

oh! Ohhh! Ohhh!

All the balls

came out of his pants.

Maybe those are gallstones.

Couldn't care less,

to be honest.

I'll fire a few at bill.

Try this, bill, try this.

Just try and return

the serve -- try this.

No chance!

No chance.

What? What's the matter?

You wuss, get back in there

and take it like a man.

What are you doin'?

Ohhh!

All right.

I'm still here.

(laughing)

yeah, I know, you're gonna

jump up and down.

Try this.

No chance.

(laughing)

boy, tennis is

a fun, fun, fun game.

What's goin' on?

Oh! Uh-oh!

Uh-oh!

He's got an idea.

Ahhhh!

Ok, I see.

He's gonna take his racquet...

You need something

to attach that with.

What are you doin'?

Nothin' in there you can use.

Don't use--

bill, don't use that.

Bill... Bill... Bill?

Tennis is a class game.

Use your shoelaces.

Use your shoelaces.

Your shoelaces... Yeah,

your shoelaces.

All right,

so you don't have shoelaces.

Look what you gained.

(laughing)

man! Now, there's a racquet.

Nice hit!

Beautiful! What? Oh!

Oh!

(bill): Ohhhh!

(red): Ohhh!

By golly.

See what happens when you try

to cheat, boys and girls?

I'll get the tin man

back to the locker room.

Away you go.

(squeaking)

(red): Thanks to jim jackson

for this carvin' of harold.

We got the van down

off the gazebo.

We can go again if you're sure

which pedal is which now.

I panicked!

I panicked, ok?

It's your fault -- you told me

alphabetical order.

Brakes, gas --

alphabetical order.

I thought you meant

accelerator, brakes!

Even if it is accelerator,

"e" comes after "b"!

Come on,

let's go.

No more driving for me.

I'm gonna concentrate

on the manual.

Your test is

in two hours.

Yeah, I know,

so help me with this one.

"two drivers approach

an unmarked intersection

"at the same time.

"who has the right of way?"

the guy in

the big truck.

No, the guy on the right

always has the right of way.

Unless the other guy

has the big truck.

Check the manual.

Check the

cemetery.

(audience laughing)

a lot of you kids

are lookin' for part-time work.

Get yourself extra money,

buy something

your parents think is stupid.

Unfortunately, you'll come

face to face

with a sad fact of life --

minimum wage.

You're expected to give up

all your Friday nights

and weekends

for a paper hat, french-fry

basket, and four bucks an hour.

If it was up to me, I'd

give you five times that much

for wearing the dorky uniform,

but it's not up to me.

Minimum wage is one of those

things life throws at you.

It's a door

we all pass through.

It may be the only door

you pass through,

so work hard, tough it out.

In no time, you're making

20, 30, maybe 40 cents

above minimum wage.

You'll be on easy street.

Welcome to my favourite portion

of the show,

where we examine those words

men find so hard to say...

(audience):

"I don't know!"

excellent! Way to go!

On the expert portion,

joining my uncle red green

is his best friend

in the whole room,

mr. Dalton

humphrey!

(applause and cheering)

our letter goes, "dear experts,

I want to cook vegetarian

"but meat is all

my husband will eat.

"how can I get him to eat

a balanced diet?"

ahhhh!

You gotta remember there are

two major food groups.

There's meat and there's salt,

so your husband's already

half-way there.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Haven't you forgotten,

like, you know,

dairy and fruits

and vegetables and grains?

We haven't forgotten them.

If you can't say anything good

about something--

amen.

Yeah.

(humphrey): Yeah,

for a healthy,

balanced male diet,

you want to vary

your kinds of meat.

Variety of cuts,

variety of grades,

variety of barbecue sauce.

You know,

around our home,

we will have as many

as 17 different kinds

of meat in a week.

(audience laughing)

17 different kinds of meat?!

(laughing)

what butcher shop

are you goin' to?

You don't need a butcher shop

when you live near the highway.

(laughing and applause)

ohhh...

No, no.

So, uh, you're eatin'

the road-kill, are you, dalton?

We're eating all-natural,

organically raised,

free-range, automotively

processed food products.

So, uh, dalton, like, uh...

How do you cook, you know,

the road-kill thing?

Well, it's not hard.

Most of it's already grilled.

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

but that's gotta be tough.

Some tough

meat, there.

Yeah, some of it's already

been pounded to pemmican

but at the point

of impact, it's always

pretty tender,

and what you want to do is

presentation,

because there's nothing like

presentation--

oh, that's true.

... To enhance the flavour.

What we do,

we'll paint a white line

down the centre

of the dining room table...

And we'll serve our meal

sometimes on a hubcap.

I can just picture

your whole family

bowin' the heads for grace.

"look both ways

before you cross."

eh?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, yeah, but, you know,

sometimes we'll sing

a couple of verses --

"I got my kicks on route 66"!

(laughing)

well, I hope you two clowns

remember you are what you eat.

Well, that's true, harold.

Tell us more

about your vegetables.

(audience laughing)

harold went down

for his drivin' test

so I would think the examiner

will be submitting her

resignation any moment now.

I got it!

I got it, I got it!

I got it -- what's that? It!

I got it, it, it, it!

(audience laughing)

how did it go?

I got it.

Oh.

I got 61% on the written test.

The eye exam was bad,

but I was looking

into the coffee machine.

Can't believe you got your

licence -- congratulations.

Thank you, yeah!

You're a big part of this.

I have you

to thank.

Having a good teacher

can make all the difference.

My third year in grade 9

was a whole new world.

The head driving examiner,

he figured

if I got my licence,

I'd be driving instead of you.

Said it was the lesser

of two evils, and I got it.

(possum squeal)

meeting time, meeting time.

I can't wait to show the guys.

(laughing)

I got it!

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home

after the meeting.

I'm gonna let harold drive me

so you might duct-tape

some tires

to the front of the house...

Wait under the basement stairs

till I give you the all-clear.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and mr. Unsafe-at-any-speed,

and the whole gang up here,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(harold): I got my licence.

I got a licence.

I got a licence.

I'll be driving,

now that I got a licence.

Anybody needs a ride somewhere?

I got my licence.

(red): Harold! Harold!

(harold): I got one of those.

It's no big deal.

Meeting time! Meeting time!

You need a licence

to have a meeting.

(red): Shut up, harold.

(all): Quando omni...

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!