The Whooping Crane/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, most of the

great inventions of the world

are just improvements on

existing technology.

I'm talking about laser

beams, nuclear power,

even the

jiffy-pop popcorn.

In the old days people used

to paint their houses with

a paint brush,

but then some guy invented

the paint roller.

Now, today I'm going to

put on a coat of clear

driveway sealer,

and yes, I'm going to use the

paint roller technology.

But I'm taking her to

a whole new level.

[ applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Yeah, well,

I appreciate that.

We've got a bit of a situation

up at the lodge this week.

Some giant bird has chosen the

chimney at possum lodge here

as its nesting place.

You should see this thing.

It's got the skinny legs

and the wing span it's like,

kind of does a thing

where it just --

oh,

it's okay, red,

I'll come back when your

deodorant dries.

No, I was just

telling everybody about

the big bird we got here.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Quite the stir, isn't it?

Oh, geez, that's causing

you know what, I smell

a business opportunity here.

Well, sure, you know,

a giant bird flying

through the sky,

great time to

open a car wash.

Red, it's a whooping crane.

They're practically extinct.

Well, I know

how they feel.

Yeah.

The egg in the bird's nest?

Have you seen the size of

oh, whooping cranes

have huge eggs.

Well, that's what

makes them whoop.

Has anybody got

anything to eat?

Mike, what are

you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to

be keeping an eye

on that bird?

I was but she flew away about

three hours ago and

never came back.

Three hours, boy,

that's a long time

for a mother to be

away from the nest.

Not really.

My mother was away for

two years less a day once.

Well, what if something

happens to her?

You know what,

somebody's got to go up on

that roof and check that egg.

Okay, okay,

I got it.

Short straw goes, okay?

No, no, no, no.

Short guy goes.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

today's winner will receive

this brand new cell phone.

I already got a

phone in my cell.

Okay, cover

your ears, mike.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get mike to say this word.

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And go!

All right, mike, when you

were in school and you

wrote an exam,

you would either

fail or you --

cheated.

Okay, the space between two

mountains, that's called --

cleavage?

Okay, when the guy in front

of you is driving too slow,

what do you do?

Oh, shoot his tires.

Okay, mike, when you want to

go to jail for the weekend,

you gotta get a --

hostage.

Okay, let's go

another way with this.

Let's say you see a woman in

a bar who interests you,

you go over to her

and you make a --

fool of myself.

Almost out of

time here, red.

Yeah, um,

all right, mike,

just tell everybody where

you were last night

between the hours of

one and three-thirty a.M.

Um, I'll pass.

There you go!

[ applause ]

when the air in your yard

has a slight tinge of blue,

when you find little trees

on the sole of your shoe,

we'll come when you call

'cause we love what we do.

At rothschild's we're pumped,

and you should be too.

You know, a lot of the viewers

ask me where I get all

my ideas from,

I want to give them an

answer because sometimes

they mean it in a nice way.

Now, I'm not one

of those guys who just

walks around in a vacuum

and comes up with things

out of thin air.

I know that worked for

einstein and galileo,

but I guess that's just

the difference between

me and them.

Now, I always start

with something

and then kinda

take it from there.

For example, right here I

have a 500-foot roll

of butcher paper.

You know, that stuff they wrap

meat in to hide the evidence

after you've killed,

skinned and gutted

a harmless

domestic animal?

I'm just kidding you.

Okay, first thing I

do is take a look at the

properties I'm working with.

This stuff has one side that's

shiny and kind of sticky

and the other side is

smooth and very slippery.

Now I just take a minute

and see what my mind

can come up with.

[ laughter ]

oh, I'm sorry.

What was I saying?

Oh, right, yeah,

the butcher paper.

[ harp music ]

I could use it

as a memo pad,

where you could jot down

phone numbers or messages

or maybe a grocery list

where you write down

whatever you noticed you

were running out of

and then have the

convenience of being able

to rip the note off

and take it with you.

Or for those of you who

don't have a garage --

oh, sure,

those are great ideas,

but they're

just not practical.

Now, this is where the

creative handyman takes it

to the next level.

All right, what's the

worst part about summer?

That's right.

You can't go tobogganing.

That's because toboggans

won't slide on grass and sand.

They need

something slippery,

like ice or snow

or the slippery smooth side

of my butcher paper.

Okay, you want to

position your toboggan

facing down the hill in

the way you want to.

But before you

get too excited,

you want to get something

heavy, some weight

of some kind.

I've got a couple

of rocks here,

and you want to put them on

the end of the piece of paper.

I'll explain what that's

all about a little later.

But the beauty now is

I can go tobogganing

any time I want.

And if I do happen to

split my head open on a rock

well, I've got plenty of

paper to wrap it up in.

So remember, if women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I'll tell you something,

though, it doesn't end here

because I've still got to get

the toboggan back up the hill.

See this?

This is a cordless drill.

This is our friend.

Remember those rocks

I put on the paper?

Not looking so

dumb now, am I?

[ applause ]

a lot of strange things

happen in life, don't they?

Like yesterday I saw this

middle-aged couple.

They stopped at an

information booth and

asked for directions.

The wife asked all

the questions.

The husband just stood there

and stared at the person

behind the counter.

And then when they were done

the wife turned around,

stared at the husband.

He told her everything the

information person had said,

and then they left.

See, they were

working as a team.

The wife was focused

on the questions,

paid no attention

to the answers,

the husband only heard

the answers,

didn't have a clue what

the questions were.

That's because this couple's

been together long enough

to realize marriage is

about job sharing.

I mean, you can feed, clothe

and shelter yourself

on your own.

But isn't it more interesting

to share that with

another person?

Not only brings us closer

to zero unemployment,

it gives you

someone else to blame.

Like, to me,

marriage and job sharing,

well, that's a natural,

especially if you

decide to have kids.

Conception is the best

job sharing in the world.

It's great working conditions

and really short shifts.

Most days you don't even

have to go in to work.

Remember I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

This a bad time,

gord?

Have a seat.

I'll be with

you in a moment.

Oh, look,

a forest fire.

Yeah, they go out

on their own.

There we go.

Sorry about that.

Writing a letter, gord?

That's kind of a personal

question, don't you think?

I mean, what if I was

writing a letter?

What if I was

writing a love letter?

What if I was writing a

love letter to susan sarandon?

I still don't see how that's

any of your business.

Here, could you

mail this for me?

Didn't you write her a

love letter before?

Yeah.

Exactly, yeah.

Did she write back?

Really?

She did.

As a matter of fact,

oh, yeah.

Wow!

Letter right there.

There's her

no, this is from

her lawyer, gord.

Okay, that's

the wrong letter, okay.

Yeah.

This straightened out.

I mean, I've got all

I've met all

their conditions.

Yeah, there's her

letter right there.

Deal right there.

There's the real

this is it?

This is from

susan sarandon?

Yes, sir.

Careful with that.

Boy, gord,

you know,

her handwriting is

identical to yours.

I know.

Isn't it great?

She is so

perfect for me.

We write the same.

Oh, yeah.

This is starting to

feel like "sesame

street" here.

In today's episode,

big bird has built a

nest up in our chimney

and now bert

and ernie here

are going to go up

and check the egg.

Oh, no, not me, red.

Just mike.

Oh, the roof's in such

bad shape it'll only

hold one of us.

You think that rig

is safe, mike?

Oh, sure, I'll just throw

this anchor over the

peak of the roof

and tie the other end of

these bed sheets to

the door over here.

And I'll pull myself up.

It's just like

breaking out of prison

I've done it

100 times.

Red, come here.

What is it?

What are you doing?

What's going on?

Okay, um, okay.

We can talk to mike

through this stovepipe,

which is connected to the

chimney up on the roof.

Oh, okay.

What's he gonna do once

he gets to the nest?

Well, we don't know

if that mother crane is

gonna come back, right?

So mike's gonna have to

bring the egg down here.

Oh, boy.

[ footsteps on roof ]

mike:

Can you guys hear me?

Yeah, yeah.

We hear you.

Yeah, yeah,

mike:

Okay, I'm going over

to the chimney now.

Okay watch

your step, mike

mike:

It doesn't look too bad.

[ crunch! ]

mike,

are you okay?

Mike:

Well, yeah I'm fine, but

my foot's stuck in the hole.

I can't pull it out.

Give her a good yank,

there, mike.

Mike: Okay.

[ mike groaning ]

mike:

Got it!

[ footsteps on roof ]

mike:

Okay, I'm at the nest.

I can see the egg.

It's huge!

It's like

moose thompson's head!

Yeah, except the egg has

got something in it.

Any sign of

the mother crane?

Mike: No.

I guess you're gonna have

to bring it down, mike.

Mike:

Okay, I've gotta dig

it out of the nest here.

Give me a second.

Be careful, mike.

We want the egg over

easy not scrambled, eh?

Mike:

Hey, I got it.

What the heck is that?

[ bird cawing ]

mike:

Oh, no, the mother

crane is back!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

She's trying to

protect the egg, mike.

Put it back

in the nest.

Mike:

Ow! Ow! She won't let me

get near the nest.

I've got to

toss it back in.

No! No! No!

No! No! No!

Mike:

Ow! Ow!

You take it.

[ mike screaming ]

red, come on,

mike might be hurt.

Well, congratulations,

dalton.

You're going

to be a mother.

Red:

A bunch of us were playing a

little road hockey, there,

and walter, comes in on

a breakaway and he

just fires one

right up, right over

the whole deal,

and it goes right down

the darn sewer.

So now how we gonna --

it's the only puck we got,

and we gotta get the puck

back, and as I'm saying

well, walter, you did it.

Why don't you just

get that off there?

Pull the grate off there.

Pull that out,

lift the --

I'll pull you and

you lift the grate.

So then dalton had an idea

that maybe he could get

his arm down there.

Maybe it got caught on

a ledge or something,

and then something grabbed

him, and I'm thinking

he's in trouble,

but turns out he's

just joking around.

That's real funny, yeah.

So dalton brings

his jock over,

what did you bring

your jock for?

Well, he says,

that's a puck magnet.

And so he's gonna drop

that in there and --

I've got another idea.

I figure let's go in

somewhere else

and that way walter can crawl

back to the grate where

the puck is and --

so they drop the fishing rod

and they come on over

I figure walter should do it.

He's the one who put it down

there in the first place.

So we pull that

thing up and --

walter down you go,

away you go.

Away you go.

Get in there.

Away you go.

Down you go.

Away you go.

So walter goes down for

the puck and then

dalton is hungry

he wants to go get --

so I say to walter, well,

all right, tell you what,

you get the puck.

We're gonna go

get some lunch.

Okay, we're just gonna

go get some lunch.

Now, he's concerned that

a car may come

and the wheel may go down

the hole and everything --

well, don't worry about that.

Here's what we'll do.

We'll put the lid down.

Don't worry it'll be fine.

There.

And we go off

to get some lunch.

And what we didn't realize is

that winston is on his rounds

and he come up and parked

right on the actual

manhole cover himself.

And I didn't know whether

winston was stopping

for lunch.

No, apparently not.

He's just coming for a --

he couldn't figure what

this all was about,

so he just pulled that

out of there and --

I think the puck was

in there wasn't it?

Anyway he -- well, he

does what he has to do

as part of --

I'm figuring

now by this point

walter's having a tough day.

So we come back -- oh,

we realize what's going on,

we've gotta back

the truck off there,

so we fire it up

and back it up.

And winston can't figure

out what's going on

but walter was,

I'll tell you,

in a big hurry to get

out of there.

But he's okay.

He's okay.

And, of course,

all I'm concerned about --

I wanna make sure

he got the --

did you get the puck?

Did you get the puck, walter?

That's the main thing.

No, he didn't get it,

but winston's got it

he took it out of --

we'll there we go --

so we can go --

c'mon, dalton.

We can get back --

and winston,

great guy that he is,

offered to give walter

a ride home,

which I thought was

real nice of him.

But, of course, he didn't

mean in the cab.

You go back with

your own kind there, walter.

We'll see you later.

Welcome to the expert's

portion of the show

where we feature those three

little words men find

so hard to say,

audience: I don't know.

Those are the words.

And a special

welcome to harold.

Well, thank you

very much, winston,

I'm always happy to

share the wisdom of

my accumulated years.

You know, there's always

certain rights of passage

of every young man --

okay.

Shut up, harold.

You know,

that was wrong.

I shouldn't

have said that.

That was wrong.

I apologize.

I shouldn't have

told you to shut up.

Apology accepted.

Shall I continue?

Okay.

No.

Today's letter

reads as follows...

"dear experts, I work in an

office next to somebody

"with a body odour problem.

"is there some way I

can let him know about it

without causing offense?"

oh, no, just get

upwind of the guy.

That's what

a breeze is for.

That's not really the adult

way to handle the problem,

you know.

There's always a subtle,

sensitive way to point

out the problem

and suggest solutions.

Oftentimes a gift

would do this.

Oh, sure, like on

his birthday

you could give

the guy a bath.

Yeah, but you know

what's better too?

You know what's better too?

You know what's better too?

Is like, at christmas -- at

christmas you could get him

an anonymous

secret santa gift.

Like a secret santa

soap on a rope.

I oftentimes use

the secret santa approach

to distribute

my homemade fudge.

That was you?

That was you?

Yes, why?

You owe me a bottle

of kaopectate.

You owe me a

set of seat covers.

Okay, you know what,

actually in retrospect

I think you

two are right.

What you should do is take

the gentleman aside

in private

and then point out

the problem where --

you know, give him time

to find a solution.

I think that's

something we've all

learned here today.

Yeah, you know what,

I think so too.

Winston, I wonder if I could

speak to you in private

after the show.

Sure.

Uncle red, I'd like to

speak to you in private

after the show too.

Dalton, they were out

of jalapeño chips

so I had to get you

sour cream and onion.

Isn't that great?!

You have done nothing for

this entire pregnancy.

You know, you're acting

kinda strange, dalton.

I'm sorry, red.

I am so sorry.

The sour cream and onion

chips will be fine.

I'm sorry.

Go get them.

Go get them!

Winston!

Winston!

Winston:

Yep? Yep?

Yep?

Winston!

What?

Winston!

This ice cream

is too cold.

I've got to be careful

about my body temperature.

Lookit, we're going to

have a birth here soon.

I've got much better

things to be doing

than warming up

your ice cream.

Yeah, and I suppose I've got

nothing better to do

than to sit on

this stupid egg!

Oh, oh, it's happening!

It's really happening!

Oh, oh.

Somebody boil

some water!

We're not going to

cook the egg, mike.

Stop squeezing my arm

so hard, you bonehead.

It's going to be okay.

Oh, I'm afraid.

No, I'm afraid

I'm afraid.

Okay, okay.

To breathe.

Just remember

[ breathing heavily ]

oh,

it's cracking!

Okay.

Give the thing a chance.

Well, get up, dalton.

All right, okay.

[ bird chirping ]

red:

Congratulations, dalton,

it looks just like you.

I'm gonna take her outside

to her new home,

the sky.

All right.

All right.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you two

guys go ahead.

Dalton and I will be

down in a minute.

All right,

all right, dalton.

Come on now.

All right.

She went back to

her birth mother.

Yeah, well,

of course she did.

But you did

the right thing.

And dalton, did you really

want another daughter?

Away you go.

It's an excellent point.

You go on down

to the meeting.

I'll be right down.

And if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And with all these cranes

flying around here today

I was wondering if maybe

you and I might

do a little whooping it up

ourselves tonight.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and mother dalton

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge.

Keep your stick on the ice.

Mike: Sit down everybody.

Okay, everybody sitting down?

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

All right, men, I would

like to show all of

our appreciation

for dalton's efforts to

preserve a dying species

and also for

hatching that egg.

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