The Silver Wasp/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, something

weird happens to a man

whenever he goes

to a sporting event.

Like take this little

practical item here.

When the game's over what

exactly do you think

you're gonna do

with a giant finger?

I suppose you could

give it your wife,

but I have a feeling

you'd get one right back.

Here's a better idea...

Next time you're

cleaning your vehicle,

think about those

hard-to-reach places

that your regular

sponge just can't get at.

I'm talking about the grill,

or around the tire rim

or even up

the tail pipe,

but be careful there, eh.

And when it comes

to the real detail work,

like around

these door frames,

hey, it's time to

get serious

and call in a packers fan.

[ sponge squeaking ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Yeah, appreciate it.

Boy, been a wacky week

up at the lodge here.

Got a comic book

convention in the area.

What a bunch of weirdos!

It's like a horror movie...

Night of a thousand harolds.

I wouldn't even

be hanging around,

but I got this comic book,

aquaman number 1.

Had it since I was a kid.

I figure I could sell it

to one of the delegates.

Probably get like

100 bucks for it.

One of the upsides

of the computer age

is nerds have money now.

Uncle red!

Look what just arrived!

Well, now,

that's exciting.

A cardboard box, eh?

It's a costume for our guest

speaker who arrives tomorrow,

and the delegates are gonna

freak out when they see

who it is.

Really?

Is it a woman?

I haven't seen any here.

No.

Recognize this?

Yeah, that's the jiffy pop

popcorn, isn't it?

No! It's the helmet of

the greatest tv and

comic action hero

in the history

of the world!

The silver wasp.

What the heck's

this here?

It's a cane.

How old is this

superhero, harold?

It's not a cane.

That's the silver scepter,

the silver wasp's ultimate

weapon in battling evil.

And uneven sidewalks.

Stop that!

Stop that!

What else you got

in there, harold?

I got his costume --

the rest of his costume.

And I got his

sidekick's costume,

stinger.

Stinger can't

be here, though.

He's got a prior commitment

and court order that

says he can't.

Well, harold,

how can you have a

wasp without a stinger?

Well, I have volunteered

to stand side by side

with the silver wasp.

I shall be stinger!

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes.

Oh, that's --

oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ ♪ ]

it's time for the possum

lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner will receive a

coupon for dinner for two

at sam 'n' ella's

(salmonella's) restaurant,

conveniently located

right next to the hospital.

Okay, mike,

cover your ears.

Red, you've got 30 seconds to

get mike to say this word...

All right,

dalton.

And go!

Okay, mike, this is

a piece of paper

that causes you to

lose your job.

What's it called?

A warrant.

Okay,

think about this...

Freudian...

Are we still

playing in english?

Okay, okay.

If there's something

you're not supposed to say,

but it accidentally comes

out in conversation,

that's called a...

Confession.

Okay, okay,

I know.

Mike, this is what

your mother's got on

under her dress.

Tassles.

Time's almost up, red.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, mike,

this is something people

are afraid will happen

to them in the shower.

At home or in prison?

[ laughter ]

at home.

Oh, slip.

Yeah!

[ ♪ ]

red:

Careful where you

aim that thing, dalton.

Dalton:

I see you, red.

Red:

Yeah, well, it's not your

eyes I'm concerned about.

Dalton:

Well, excuse me for living.

Winston:

Would you guys

just quit bickering.

Red:

I'm not bickering.

There's the guy that's

bickering right there.

Dalton: Oh, please.

Winston:

You see the book

I'm reading here?

"the anger tree"

by anthony anthony.

He tells us that

the anger tree grows

from deep beneath the soil.

It means that

you need to unearth

the psychological roots

of your conflict.

Red:

You know, winston,

an apology works just as well.

Dalton: Apology?

-Dalton: Apology?!

-Red: That's right.

Dalton:

What makes you think

I would accept an apology?

Winston:

Okay, dalton,

red says that you're

invading his space.

But what he's really saying

is that you need to develop

well-defined

ego boundaries.

Okay, red,

and what dalton is saying is

that you need to control

your inner parent.

Red: You know, I'm not

so sure anthony anthony

understands men.

Winston:

He's a man.

Red:

I'm not so sure

about that either.

I'm just mad at dalton

because he wrecked my

pressure washer.

Dalton:

I didn't break

your pressure washer.

Red: You didn't?

Dalton: No, I didn't even

use your pressure washer.

I have my own

pressure washer.

I have my own

things you know, red.

Red:

Yeah. All right.

Dalton:

I have many things.

I've got a lava lamp,

some stamps,

a garden gnome --

red:

Okay, dalton,

you're affluent, all right?

Well, then who the heck

borrowed my pressure washer?

Winston: What?

Okay, look, my truck

was really dirty, okay?

How was I supposed to know

you can't hook that stupid

thing up to a fire hydrant?

Dalton: Oh, brother.

I just feel so

stupid, you know.

We've been mad at

each other all afternoon.

Red: And we should

have been mad at winston.

Winston:

That's good. That's good.

What you just

engaged in there,

that's called transference.

Red: Transference?

Winston:

Let me take another page out

of anthony anthony's book.

Red:

You can take 'em all out,

as far as I'm concerned.

-Dalton: May I have a look?

-Winston: Sure.

It can really help

you out, you know.

Dalton:

Is it easy to read?

Winston: Not bad.

A little dry in spots.

Dalton: Is it?

Well, I can fix that.

Winston: Hey!

Red: (chuckling)

transfer complete.

[ tires screeching ]

[ crash! ]

okay, you're probably

wondering how something

like this could happen.

Was I driving too fast?

Did the brakes fail?

Maybe I forgot I had

a freezer on the roof.

Is that my fault?

I don't think so.

I mean, it took four guys

at dalton's store to

put it up there.

There's no way I could

take it off by myself.

And if the cars these days

had a decent size trunk,

I wouldn't need to put the

freezer on the roof in

the first place.

Oh, no, I'm telling you,

this was an accident.

But instead of whining

or pointing fingers,

today on handyman corner,

I'm gonna show you how,

with a little work

and imagination,

you can actually make

something out of an accident.

That's what my

parents did with me.

Okay, now I took the

garage door tracks

and I mounted them

freezer width on the roof

and then down over

the trunk of the car.

Now I'm just securing the

garage door opener itself

to the hood.

And don't be afraid to use

the long screws on this baby.

And then you really wanna get

her attached securely there.

It might be a good idea

to even open the hood

and check that you've

got a real good grip there.

Yeah, that's fine.

Okay, now all I gotta do

is put my freezer into place.

I don't need this as a

garage door opener anymore,

since I no longer

have a garage door.

Now it's my automatic

roof rack hoist.

If you'll notice,

I took the roller hardware

off my garage doors

and attached it to the four

corners of my roof rack box,

formerly known as

my freezer.

Likewise,

the garage door handle

becomes cleat for

my hoisting mechanism.

So all I have to do is

fit my rollers on track,

and then give

the handle the hook.

Okay, let's give

her a test run.

And don't wimp out,

you know.

Freezers can handle

a lot of weight,

plus they keep

everything fresh.

Best before may 12.

Of course now,

the beauty here is

to get my roof rack

up onto the roof,

well, I don't have

to lift a finger.

I just grab my

garage door opener

and let nature

take its course.

See, this was no accident;

this was a project.

So remember if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Okay, um, next week we're

going to show you how to make

great jigsaw puzzles

for your kids.

[ ♪ ]

wanna talk to you

older guys for a minute

about your wardrobe.

You know, there comes

a point in a man's life

when there are certain

pieces of clothing

he should no longer

be wearing.

Like that old pair

of jeans you've got

with the size 32

waist on 'em.

Okay, maybe you can

still pull 'em on,

and on a good day you might

even be able to zip 'em up,

depending on your

long capacity.

But later on,

when you zip them down,

kind of looks like somebody

tearing open a bag of

insulation.

Now, even if you

kept yourself in shape,

there are some items

in your closet

that should never

see the light of day again,

unless it's coming through the

crack in the dumpster lid,

like, say, that souvenir

rock concert t-shirt

from 1967.

Just because the band is still

embarrassing themselves

still being on tour,

doesn't mean you have to

embarrass yourself

wearing the darned t-shirt.

And don't ever think

that you can be current.

A man of our age has gotta

wear his ball cap

facing forward.

The shoes have gotta

cover his toes.

And the crotch of

his pants needs to be

in the general vicinity

of the crotch of his body.

[ applause ]

but I got good

news for you.

If this seems like

too much to remember,

if you have a wife,

you don't even have to.

You just put on whatever

she tells you to, okay.

You're just the guy

who wears the clothes.

We have to look at you!

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

if your tank's in trouble

and all full of muck;

if the ground's getting soft

and you feel like a schmuck;

give rothschild's a call,

and I'll come in my truck.

I'm there in the book.

Just look under "suck".

Man, there's a lot of money

changing hands out there.

They offered

moose thompson 75 bucks

to pose as the

incredible hulk.

That's a lotta green,

believe me.

Hey, mike.

Oh, hi,

mr. Green.

What do you

got there?

Oh, what this?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just an old comic book

was gonna have appraised.

Aquaman number 1?

Oh, yeah,

it is!

How about that.

Okay, see you.

That better not be my

aquaman number 1,

or you're in

deep number 2.

[ stammering ]

I was planning on

selling it for you.

As a surprise.

How much do you

want for it?

I want $100

for it, mike.

Well, I'll give

you 100 bucks for it.

Well, great.

Hand it over.

Well, not my 100 bucks.

I'll sell it

and I'll give 100 bucks

out of whatever

I get for it.

No, no, no.

You go get me an offer.

We'll take if from

there, all right?

Anyway, you can't

sell something when

you don't even own it yet.

Well, my stock broker

does it all the time.

Uncle red, I got a problem.

[ whistles and applause ]

just the one?

I'm stinger.

But the problem is the

silver wasp isn't coming.

What? He bugged

off on you?

He looked possum lake

up on the map,

and it wasn't there,

so he's not coming.

Oh, man, harold,

how are you going to get a

superhero on short notice?

Well, I've still

got his costume here.

He's not really that much

of a superhero anyways.

He's kind of old

and useless.

So I was thinking

maybe you could do it.

Oh, I can't be

the silver wasp.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll do all the entertainment.

I'll sign the autographs.

Keep everybody happy.

You think we could

actually pull it off?

Sure. Yeah.

I'll do all the work,

and you take all the credit.

It'll be just like

our tv show.

Red (voice over):

I was out behind the lodge.

I like cutting things.

I've got the circular saw.

Just cut stuff at random

is what I like to do.

But unfortunately, when I

got over to the outlet,

which only had the one, there

was something plugged in.

I thought, what the heck

is plugged in there?

And it's an extension cord,

so I figured, well, I don't

wanna just unplug it.

Might be something important

at the other end.

So -- but there's

nothing there.

So I say, I wonder where

the heck this goes?

And I come around and

thinking what the heck --

oh, there we go.

There's a lawn mower.

Of course.

It's a lawn mower.

Except that's

a gas lawn mower.

So the extension

cord keeps --

now we're getting --

that's a pretty good size

extension cord on there.

Coming up over the fence

there and all the wreck,

and then goes right

across the road there

and up into the bush,

and I'm thinking,

holy cow.

I didn't see

walter coming along,

and I had to raise the wire

up to go through the bush.

You kids be careful

of that at home.

I come to the end,

and it's tied around a tree.

So actually they're using

it as a clothesline.

So maybe it's an electric

clothes dryer of some kind.

But it's still not the end.

It just keeps going.

So I kind of follow

along a little farther.

What the heck is this --

and now I get to --

I notice it's moving,

which means I must be getting

close to whoever's using it.

So I think, okay, I'm gonna

catch them red handed.

And I come out there,

and I see what's going on.

Okay, and even the kids

don't have the end of it,

so I keep going there,

and wouldn't you know it,

I come up to dalton's store

and it goes right up

the outside wall

of his store.

So I figure, well, I'll

have to go up on the roof

to figure out what

this is all about.

Luckily my commando

training came in handy.

And up over the roof,

and there it is.

He's running a huge neon sign

plugged into the lodge.

So I figure the heck with

that, so I unplug her.

Now dalton comes

running outta the store.

What the heck's going on.

And then he sees it's me.

It's a whole different tune.

So I give him a

flick of the wrist.

And it's lights out

for dalton.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

that's my wife's

car back there.

Once in a while when she

sends me on an errand,

to, say, you know, the mall,

she doesn't want me

to take the possum van.

She's afraid some of her

friends will see me in it.

So I take her car.

But then when I come out

of the mall to go home,

it looks so much like the

hundreds of other cars

in the parking lot,

I can never find

the darned thing.

Oh, sure, I know the trick

where you press the remote

button and honk the horn.

[ horn honking ]

but after 40 years of

driving the way I drive,

I'm at the point where

I can't even hear car

horns anymore.

So I got a better idea.

I'll give you a clue.

Some of you could use one.

This car has

a power antenna,

and I got bernice

to make me a small flag.

Okay, I re-wired

the horn relay,

so now instead of the horn

honking when I hit

the remote,

it's gonna turn on the radio

and the windshield wipers.

That's because the

windshield wiper's got the

power antenna mounted on it,

and I got bernice's

flag on that.

Looks like she just

used an old tea towel,

which is fine.

I was kinda hoping she'd

embroider the family

crest on there.

I guess a bunch of

assorted food stains

and a couple of burn

marks is close enough.

I'll tell you one thing,

when I out of the mall now,

I got no problem.

[ pounding at door ]

I'll tell you

something,

those nerds can

really move.

All the years of running

away from bullies

really builds up the

leg muscles, I guess.

We gotta do something,

uncle red.

They're mad.

They know you're a fake.

Why did you make

that speech?

Well, harold, they were

just staring at me

like they were

expecting something.

And I didn't give

much of a speech.

I just said, the silver wasp

welcomes you guys to the

comic book convention.

That was it.

But the silver wasp

never spoke!

Oh.

Wasps can't talk,

uncle red, duh!

[ pounding continues.

Oh, no,

they're coming.

Harold, here, give them

my aquaman comic.

[ arguing ]

harold! They're you're

kind of people!

Okay, you know what.

I got aquaman

number 1 for you.

Here, take it.

Just go.

Good work,

stinker.

Stinger!

Mr. Green,

the deal is done.

Give me the aquaman comic.

I found a buyer.

And I think you're going

to be very, very happy.

I don't.

Why not?

I got --

no, mike,

it doesn't matter.

I don't care if you even

got 200 bucks for it.

It makes

no difference.

I got an offer

of $10,000.

Audience: Ohhhh.

[ possum squealing ]

that's meeting

time, uncle red.

You guys go ahead.

I need to think

about killing myself.

Okay, if my wife is watching,

and I really hope you're not,

I may not be faster

than a speeding bullet,

but I just screwed myself

out of ten grand in

a single bound.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and stinker

and the whole gang

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

everybody take your seats.

Everybody sit down.

Sit down.

Have a seat.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

All right, guys, this is

harold's new look.

He's hoping to find

a little honey.

Maybe set up a hive.

And if all goes well,

there'll be another son of

a bee at the lodge some day.

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com