Change Will Do You Good/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

As you get older,

you start to realise

that your true

wealth is time.

Partly because you don't

have much of it left,

partly because if

true wealth was money,

you blew it.

So anything that

can save you time

becomes more and more

valuable.

Now, for me, driving into the

garage is a real waste of time,

because you gotta

do it so slowly;

otherwise, you'll go right

out the back end...

Again.

Oh, sure, I guess you could get

the brakes fixed on your car,

but who has that

kind of money?

So instead, I've been

collecting boxes and boxes

of these styrofoam chips

they use for packing,

like when you buy

a chia pet on the internet.

Now, I'm going to put them into

this plastic resealable bag

that our new

mattress came in.

Bernice went

with the king size

so she can a little farther

away from the action.

Or as she calls it,

snoring.

But I figure if I filled

this bag full of these

styrofoam chips

and then seal her up tight,

I'll be able to go into the

garage at any speed I want.

[ applause ]

might wanna take off

the hood ornament first.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Well, big, big week

up at the lodge this week.

The town of possum lake

has decided

to get rid of the old

wishing well downtown.

I know the odd time

I go by there

and throw in a

handful of coins

and then make a wish that

I wish I hadn't done that.

Uncle red!

Yeah?

Uncle red.

What?

Can you tell the

guys to hold it down?

I have a terrible headache.

Oh, sorry to

hear that, harold.

Well, maybe if winston could

just turn off his truck.

No, he can't do that,

the battery's dead,

and I don't think we

wanna be push starting

a sewage truck, harold.

No...

Here, try these.

Thank you.

Okay.

Those aspirin are huge!

They weren't aspirin,

they were ear plugs.

You all right?

What's that?

Oh just some coins we

took out of the

wishing well,

made a late night

withdrawal last night.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, harold.

You know what,

that's just the spillover.

We sucked most of it up

with winston's truck.

All right, winston,

let her go!

Oh, that money's gonna

need to be laundered.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner will receive

this coupon for one

free session

from mario's male

hair removal centre.

Where we specialise

in speedo waxes

for the little

european in all of us.

Okay, dalton,

cover your ears.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton to

say this word.

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, dalton, this is

something you have

in the house

that tells you when

you're gaining weight.

Ah, my wife.

No, okay, okay,

what's this called?

Doe ray mi fa

so la ti doe?

French?

No. Okay. Okay.

This is what you

find on a fish.

Tartar sauce!

No, okay, okay.

If you have a model

that's a lot smaller

than the real thing,

it's called a

something model.

Anorexic model.

Okay, okay, okay, dalton,

now, if you were gonna

climb mount everest,

people would say you were

gonna do what on the mountain.

Die.

Red, almost outta

time here.

Oh, I know, dalton.

There's a statue, it's supposed

to represent justice,

and it's a woman

holding something.

You probably had one

of these in your store.

That sounds way too

upscale for my customers.

They we are!

[ ♪♪ classical ]

when I go camping

with the guys,

I don't take my

swiss army knife anymore.

Oh, sure, it's a

good-looking unit,

and it's nice to have handy

in case the swiss invade,

but for me, the joy of

having 12 tools in one

is dampened by having to eat

my dinner with same utensil

buster hadfield just used

to clip his toenails.

Now, personally, I think it's

time for the swiss army knife

to evolve into something a

little more practical.

Like say the

swiss army surfboard.

Oh sure, it sounds like the

title of an old elvis movie,

but I think you'll find this

a lot more entertaining.

Now, for this to work,

what you need is a couple of

good-sized wind surfboards.

Shouldn't be too

hard to come by.

Just look for a couple of

guys coming out of a

mid-life crisis,

and I think you'll be able to

pick them up for a song.

Maybe something

by the beach boys.

So once you get them lined up,

one on top of the other,

you wanna seal the one side,

top to bottom,

with the handyman's

secret weapon

duct tape.

And there you go.

Now all you have to do is

secure the open side for

easy transportation.

You might want to do that with

some type of a rustproof,

graphite metal hasp.

I would do it with another

piece of duct tape.

Now, I know what

you're thinking...

Oh, sure, it's a

good-looking unit, red,

but how do I get all

my camping gear in the car?

Well, that's the

beauty of it.

This is your camping gear!

This is all you need.

Got a couple of changes

of underwear here,

if you're fussy

about that kinda thing.

There's your knife and your

forks and your spoons.

And a big enough

slab of beef jerky

that you'll never

need any of 'em.

There's more, so much more.

Your bed roll,

your fishing rod,

and for comfort,

your footstool.

An old fan,

I can lend you one

of these if you need it.

I got my share

of old fans.

And for your nightly

entertainment...

Oh here we go...

A 22-inch television.

Oh, I know what

you're thinking...

That's impossible,

and it is.

Without this

portable generator.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should --

oh, I almost forgot.

You also wanna throw

a paddle in there.

Let me show you why.

It's not just a

swiss army surfboard,

it's also a

swiss navy surfboard.

[ cheers and applause ]

sometimes when couples get

older and the kids leave home,

they'll move

into a smaller house.

Usually it's

the wife's decision.

One day she'll turn to her

husband and she'll say,

we don't really need

all this space anymore,

and the next thing you know,

there's a sign on the front lawn

and a guy in a mint green

jacket is walking strangers

through the kitchen.

Most men fight

the downsizing.

That's because the phrase

"we have too much space"

is outside their

vocabulary.

Men don't have

too much space.

Men don't have

enough space.

Ever.

We spent a lifetime hunting

and gathering a basement

full of bounty.

We're darn proud of it.

That's why your husband needs

to keep the fun fur futon

from college,

and the

boxcar willy 8-tracks,

and that world's greatest lover

t-shirt he got 20 years ago

which was a

rough guess then,

and is right off the

radar at this point.

See, the smart wife knows

that moving into a smaller house

is the only way to get her

husband to ditch all that crap.

Because given the choice

between move it or lose it,

a guy my age will

always choose to lose it.

We're just too lazy to pack

it up and take it somewhere.

So let somebody come over

and haul her all away

to the dump.

That's where most of it came

from in the first place.

Remember,

I'm pulling for ya;

we're all in this together.

[ cheers and applause ]

rothschild's sewage

and septic sucking services,

we're everywhere you

don't wanna be.

Had a little setback in our

wishing well project.

The bank won't accept the coins

unless we sort 'em first.

Why do banks always have

to be so difficult?

I wish I had a nickel

for every time I've said that.

You do.

♪ headache's gone!

Headache's gone! ♪

I think mine

just got here.

That's too bad,

mine's gone.

Well, I'm all better.

What can I do?

We're sorting, harold.

What denomination do you like?

Lutheran.

Hahaha!

Do the pennies,

harold.

Okay.

You know why

I'm doing pennies?

Know why? Know why?

Coz I got the most cents.

Well,

it's still early.

Where's the coin tubes.

You gotta roll the coins.

The bank won't take

'em in these bags.

Why not?

That's the way

they give it out.

Yeah, but mike,

don't forget,

you've got that

smith and wesson atm card.

Harold, are you saying we

have to roll the coins

as well as sort 'em?

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Who has more

money than a bank?

Celine dion.

The port asbestos casino!

That's right!

They'll sort it for us!

Let's go.

Great idea.

Um, mr. Green,

I can help you

get there,

but, um, I can't technically

go into the casino for

another 30 days.

Uh, bring all the coins,

harold, will ya?

Yup.

There's one that fell on

the floor here too.

I'll get that one.

Gotta get 'em all!

Red: I was up behind

the lodge there

because I heard that bill and

walter were fooling around,

and boy something knocks the

mirror right off the truck,

and kind of a little

odd projectile,

and there goes another one!

So they're -- I thought

they were having a fight.

They seem to be punching each

other in the stomach,

but okay...

It's a little -- okay.

I know, water rockets,

I know.

You pump 'em up,

and then you fire 'em off.

Like that.

And then -- yeah,

so that's exciting.

Way to go.

And then bill being

a little older... Um...

So now I'm enjoying that.

I can see the fun

of that now.

I can see that now,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

So now they're gonna

take her up a notch.

Bill's got the idea,

why don't we use the

cola bottles,

because they're a

little bit bigger,

with the carbonation,

you're gonna get a little --

but you gotta get some

of the liquid outta there.

'course these guys

don't wanna waste anything,

so instead of

just pouring it out,

they pour it in,

you know what I'm saying?

I don't know if you've

ever tried this,

but there can be some pain

involved with, uh --

and I was afraid of being

caught in the overspray,

so bill luckily had something

in his pants for a change,

so we're --

oh, that's gotta hurt!

That's painful.

I would -- if I was you,

I'd quit, but I'm not you.

So walter's

chugging it down,

and we -- we get a sense

that there's something

coming our way.

[ small burp ]

okay, that was fine.

Very tastefully done.

Bill maybe not

as tasteful as walter.

No sense of decorum,

and he figures he's outdoors,

easy now, easy, easy, easy!

[ big roaring belch! ]

all right, I think I'm just

gonna step back a little bit.

So they hooked the cola --

I put the umbrella up,

over my head at first.

And they got the

bicycle tire pumps,

and they're pumping up,

getting the pressure going.

And I get a feeling these are

probably gonna blow sideways

rather than up,

so I'm probably better

to with a horizontal

umbrella thing.

And you know, right about now,

I'm lookin' pretty smart,

because that's exactly

what happened.

Heheheheh,

that's using your head.

Oh!

So now we take

her up another notch.

Got the water cooler with

the dual throat car fuel

injection air intake

on her there, and it's starting

to distort a little under

the pressure,

so walter's thinking maybe

that's enough pressure.

Bill, one more --

no, no, one more.

I think we're good, bill.

Bill, bill, we're good.

Bill, we're good,

we're good, we're good.

One more.

And... And...

Oh, boy.

Hang on, walter.

Hang on. Hang on.

And of course one more,

and that may have

been too much.

And there goes walter.

And I put the umbrella up,

and bill gets soaked.

I'm lovin' this.

And I think walter's

comin' your way, bill.

Here he comes now.

Hahahahahaha!

Oh!

[ applause ]

today on talking animals,

local animal control

officer, ed frid,

is here to tell

us all about spiders.

Yes, that's --

spiders?!

No! No, no, no, no!

No, not spiders.

Who told you that?

I thought you did.

Yeah, you thought --

you thought --

you thought that weasel

wouldn't bite, yeah.

Yeah, you thought that skunk

had been descented, yeah.

Who paid the

price there, huh?

Yeah, I think we're through

making decisions based on

what "you" think.

Yeah, all right.

All right.

That's why tonight,

we're gonna meet

mr. Possum.

Oh yeah?!

You know anything

about possums, red?

Well, this is possum lodge,

I'm the leader of possum lodge,

we have a possum

on our crest,

and when I was in high school,

my nickname was possum.

Well, I didn't

know that.

Yeah.

You made it

to high school.

Anyway, possums are

very civilised animals.

They don't bite you

or sting you,

or hide in your

underwear drawer.

And get this,

when they're scared,

what do you

think they do?

Play dead.

They play de --

yeah... Anyway,

let's take a look

at this possum.

But first, I'm gonna

scare it so it'll act dead.

Boo!

Okay, take a look.

I know somethin'

else about possums.

They need air.

No, no, no.

He's fine.

He's just

toyin' with us.

I think you're going to

have to resuscitate him, ed.

What would you

suggest, cpr?

No, how about mouth to mouth

resuscitation?

Hey, folks, wanna see

ed perform a miracle here?

[ applause ]

c'mon, ed,

here you go.

And just small puffs now,

don't inflate him.

Shoulda done spiders!

Ever seen one

of these things?

It's called a

photovoltaic cell.

Whenever light shines on it,

it makes electricity.

So you can actually use this

as a switch that's turned

on by light.

Some of the finer

restaurants use these

so that when your

headlights shine on them

it rings a bell inside and

then the waitress comes

out on roller skates

bringing you your jumbo

triple cheeseburger

and a large

order of fries,

so that you can have the heart

attack in the privacy

of your own vehicle.

Speaking of which, I've come

up with a way to use these

little switches

to make it a lot

easier to drive a car.

These days we've got

way too many distractions

while you're

behind the wheel.

In the old days all it

was was the fuzzy dice

and the 8-track

player to worry about.

Now you've got trip odometers,

weather detectors,

cd players,

air conditioning,

power windows, airbag locks,

gps tracking systems,

and cupholders.

That's a lot

to ask from a mind

that has a lot more miles

on it than the car does.

So what I did was I attached a

photovoltaic cell onto

each and everyone

of the doodads and gadgets

on the automobile.

Which means to turn one on,

all's I gotta do is shine

a light on it.

That's what this

spotlight is for.

I just turn it on and then

aim it at my own head.

Next I put on these

mirrored sunglasses,

which will reflect the light

to whatever I'm looking at,

which will turn it on,

like this...

[ horn honking ]

[ music playing ]

and it's just that easy.

Oh, sure you get

the odd headache

from staring into the blinding

light all the time

you're driving,

but I'm sure you'll

get used to that.

Oh geez, a hornet.

[ horn honking ]

[ radio music playing ]

[ cheers and applause ]

well, this has been a very

educational day for me.

For example, I never

realised how heavy coins are

when you get

enough of them.

And, in conjunction

with that revelation,

I had never seen four tires

blow simultaneously before.

Not to mention what the

possum van crashing

to the ground

can do to

an exhaust system.

Oh, uncle red,

you're back.

I didn't hear

the possum van pull up.

Must be running

quiet, huh?

Not really, harold.

I walked back

from town, harold.

We just got

to the edge there,

and we ran into a

huge pocket of gravity.

Then we had to get the

van towed to flinty's place,

and there was

$600 damage to her.

The poss -- I didn't

think that was possible!

$600?!

Can you afford that?

Well, flinty opened up

the back of the van,

he says we've got

enough coin to cover it.

And I had blown a couple

of valves, so she's

shakin' pretty good,

and with all the different

sized holes in the floor,

you can actually sort the coins

right in the service bay.

That's incredible.

Well, you know,

when you figure,

you know, you've got all

that change from the

wishing well

and you tried to cash it in,

which was wrong,

but in the end you

got your van fixed,

so I guess you got

your wish.

No, I didn't.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead.

My headache's back.

Well, then my

work here is done.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting,

okay, maybe I never

got my wish to come true,

but hey, thanks to me,

neither did your dad.

And to the rest of ya,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down.

Let's go.

Everybody take your sits.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Bow your heads for

the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to... I guess.

Okay, guys, winston tells

me he's still got

a bunch of coins in the

tank of his septic truck

if any of you

wanna go sniff them out.

[ ♪ ]