Comrade Harold/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, there are lots of

occasions where a man

has to stand

for long periods of time...

At a parade or

at a funeral

or in the mall when your wife

says, "now, you just stand

right there."

but as you get older you find

you're a lot happier

sittin' down.

That's because there's a lot

less they can stand for.

Well, here's a nifty trick.

Get yourself a barstool with

a little back on it.

They're not easy to find.

I must've tried on 100

barstools before I

found this baby.

Then what you wanna do is

measure around yourself,

around your knees,

including the back.

Then you go down to your local

fat guy clothing store

and get yourself matching

clothes in that size.

And if the guy asks you how

come you need pants that big,

you tell him because they need

to go around your stool.

Use a barrel hoop as a belt

so your pants will keep

their shape.

That's pretty much

all there is to it.

Now you can look like

you're standing tall,

when in fact

you're sittin' pretty.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

Harold's done some deal with

one of the universities,

mcgill-u or carleton-u

or who asked you.

I don't know, something.

Anyway, they're doing this

experiment where we all gotta

be communists or something.

Not too excited about driving

ladas and makin' beer

out of potatoes.

I mean, what do

you call it, spud lite?

Uncle red! Uncle red!

I have your comrade

uniform right here.

You have to be like me.

Well, luckily, harold,

that's impossible.

We all have to

dress the same.

It's in the rules.

Ah, harold.

How did you get us

into this anyway?

Well, it was the

political science dean.

He got a grant to evaluate

different forms of government.

This is a sociological

experiment.

Well, so are you.

Why does everybody

have to suffer?

Not for free.

Yeah, we're getting

compensated.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's really very simple.

Everything's based on everyone

being treated the same,

from each to from his

ability to each of

his need.

So you mean you get

treated the same

whether you're a

brain surgeon or

a bat boy?

Yes! No one is judged.

Well, I can certainly

see why you'd like that.

You know, I don't like it

when everybody's the same.

Well, there's lots of ways

people can be the same.

Yeah, well, there lots

of ways people can be

different.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today mike hamar

will be playing to win

a free weekend at the elvis

presley rock 'n' roll

fantasy camp!

Home of elvis' favourite dish,

chicken a la king...

For people

"who love meat tender."

okay, cover your ears, mike.

Red, you've got 30 seconds to

get mike hamar to say

this word...

All right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, mike, this is

something that sits in

your living room window,

and you water it

once a week.

Grandpa?

No, no, I know.

This is something that hangs

around the lamppost downtown.

Oh, grandma.

No. No. Okay.

This is like when you

dig a hole in the backyard

and you put

something in it...

Nobody proved

any of that.

Okay, I know, I know.

Your uncle, you know,

the big guy,

think of his job,

rendering...

People unconscious.

No, okay. Okay.

Okay, I know.

This withers in

the cold weather.

So does mine!

Um, almost outta time, red.

Yeah, okay.

Mike, this is so simple.

What do you buy from

the florist in town?

Nothing.

He's not a real florist.

He's an undercover r.C.M.P.

You know,

kinda like a plant.

There we go!

Today on

talking animals,

local animal control

officer, ed frid,

has brought us

a wild parrot

from the brazilian coast.

Actually, red, I looked into

getting a wild parrot.

Uh, turns out they've

got sharp, untrimmed claws

and, uh, unpredictable

temperaments

and sharp,

untrimmed claws.

That are sharp

and untrimmed.

All right, then where

does this one come from?

Well, this one's my

girlfriend's.

Yeah, she named it

oprah.

Well, obviously

a talker, huh?

Well, red, that's

a common misconception.

But interesting

thing about parrots...

All parrots have

hollow bones.

Parrot: Loser!

Did you call

me a loser?

Just now, no.

Okay.

The other thing

about parrots is, uh,

they've got these hooked

beaks that are great

for digging dirt

and opening seeds --

parrot: Loser!

Okay, I guess you

think that's funny, huh?

Do you think

that's funny?

Yeah,

I do, actually.

It's not me,

okay, ed.

It's the parrot.

And he's not calling

you a loser.

It's just a word

he picked up somewhere.

Parrot:

Ed frid is a loser!

Can't commit.

Emotionally immature.

Oh, I know

what's happening.

The parrot has picked up

words and phrases that

your girlfriend uses.

How she talks

about you.

[ chuckling ]

-- oh.

Well, that makes

me feel better.

Well, look.

Make it work the

other way around.

You can uses the bird to

relay messages back to

your girlfriend.

Just leave a message

after the beak.

Well, okay.

What do I say?

Well, it sounds to me

like she's lookin' for

a commitment,

like, I would say

a marriage proposal.

I think that's what

the audience wants to hear.

Am I right?

[ cheers and applause ]

great.

Honey,

w-w-w-ould you --

w-w-w-ould you

marry me?

Parrot: Not until

you get a better job!

[ applause ]

depending on where you live,

your town may pick up

your garbage once

or maybe twice a week.

The problem is

they won't take it,

unless you haul your can all

the way down to the end

of the driveway,

which means your trash starts

piling up faster than

your excuses.

Before you know it,

the neighbours are

complaining,

your wife is embarrassed,

and the raccoons

have turned your yard

into a drive-thru.

Oh, yeah, sure, I suppose you

could take the garbage out

every week.

But I never it

call it success

when I take

something I don't like

and find a way

to do it more often.

Wouldn't it be better if

we could cram four weeks

of trash into one can?

We'd only have to take the

garbage out once a month.

So today on handyman corner

we're not just talkin' trash,

we're talkin'

trash compactor.

I started by filling this

garbage can with cement.

Next step...

Gently remove the

hardened concrete.

Okay, now this whole assembly

is going to do the compacting.

That's why I used

a compact car.

See, actually, the cement

is already heavy enough,

but then you hook it

onto a vehicle,

that garbage is going to be

feeling as much downward

pressure

as moose thompson's feet.

And of course, the whole

process is mechanized;

otherwise, it would

require manual labour,

and as you know, I have no use

for any kind of manual.

I've attached the garbage

can to the garage door

with this hook

I got off a tow truck.

You can get

these pretty cheap.

Just slam on your brakes

while you're bein' towed.

Now all's we do is toss the

garbage bags into the can.

Look full to you?

Not even close.

And there's the end of it.

So remember: If the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Oh, boy.

Just for the record...

18 bags is the limit.

You know, I have a

theory that man's life

is a long list of

sandwiches.

Like, when you're a kid,

you're peanut butter and jam.

Life is sweet,

no crusts.

Then you get

to be a teenager,

you're a toasted clubhouse.

You got a little

bacon goin' for you,

but the girls still stay away

because either they're chicken

or you're a turkey.

Then as a young man,

you become a ham and cheese --

more ham than cheese,

but that will reverse

as you get older.

But maybe now you've reached

the not so healthy sandwich

years, huh?

The big, fat, greasy

corned-beef-on-a-kaiser years.

Things are hanging out

all over the place.

You're lookin' kinda rough.

You've biggie

sized yourself.

Your fat content

is through the roof.

And if you don't start

saving some bread soon,

you could

end up open-faced.

Okay, this is when

you need your wife's help.

Your wife is the spoonful of

coleslaw that can save

your life.

You be nice to her,

because if she leaves,

you've had the bun.

And you are way too old

to be holdin' the pickle.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

veni, vidi

vacuum...

We came, we saw,

we sucked.

Well, this whole communist

experiment isn't

goin' too bad.

I'm gettin' paid

for doin' nothin',

so it's not that

much of an adjustment.

Actually thinkin' about

changin' the name of the lodge

to red green square.

Um, uncle red.

We might have

a bit of a problem.

Yeah, well, you know,

under the communist system

all industry is owned

by the government.

So, uh, technically,

this show belongs to

the government.

Well, I'm sure they'll

change their minds once

they see it, harold.

Yes, but no individual

is allowed to reap

capital gains,

so therefore, you have

to turn over all your

profits for the show.

What, you mean

for all 13 seasons?

Well, this is

a killer, harold.

Can you

change a 20?

Okay, great.

Mr. Green,

this is not working!

What's the matter,

mike?

You see everybody dressed

in the greys and you

get homesick?

No!

No, it's just when

everybody owns everything

then nobody's got

anything worth stealin'.

It's the end of the

world as we know it.

I'm in the

same boat, red.

Everyone's after me

to pump out their septics,

and according to the rules,

I can't charge anything,

and they can't

pay anything.

Geez, it's like workin'

for your relatives.

Yeah,

tell me about it.

Harold, winston and I

are quitting.

Winston's parked his

truck next to my store,

and for us it's back to

business as usual.

Oh, no!

You can't do that!

No, you can't have

a pocket of capitalism

right in the middle of a

communist territory.

Oh, it's

no problem, harold.

We built a wall

around our section.

Yep, built it out

of wrecked cars.

Well, I'd like

to see that.

That's a

scrap iron curtain.

Red: Walter was

out behind the lodge.

He wanted to do

a little drywall work,

and I had the

instructions there

that I was folding

into an airplane,

and I had the

plans there as well.

Uh, walter's pretty strong.

I didn't figure he need --

just put down on the saw --

easy now.

Easy. Easy. Easy.

You're good.

You're good.

You're good.

All right, I just

fired the plane at him.

There we go.

[ red chuckles ]

love gliders.

Love the paper airplanes.

Now I'm makin' a bigger one

out of the actual plans,

and I'm not payin' a lot

of attention to walter.

Lookit, that's

a beautiful thing.

That looks kinda

like the concorde.

And I made her

so she curves right around,

and watch yourself there.

Oh, boy!

See what kind of

fun that is, walter?

That's more fun than --

now walter's gettin' an idea.

Wait a second.

It's just a big rectangular

sheet that you fold

into a paper airplane,

and drywall is kinda a big

rectangular sheet

that when you score it,

you can fold --

I didn't know quite

what was goin' on,

but he's makin' all kinds of

marks and everything.

When he actually grabbed the

one side and started to

fold her over,

I kinda got the feelin' --

oh, that looks

kinda winglike, doesn't it?

And he made just an

unbelievable huge glider

airplane there.

She is a beauty.

That's a -- that's like

the 747 of gliders there.

And let her go...

And oh, boy.

Oh, boy, but hey, she's

airborne, baby.

Oh! Beautiful.

She's a good --

walter, she's comin' --

walter, she's

comin' this way.

Walter, walter.

Away you go. Away you go.

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Make a wish, walter.

Oh!

And then I see him comin'

and I'm thinkin',

if I can get him

to land inside the van

it would kinda

break the fall.

And I'm lookin'

for a couple of flashlights,

you know, like they

use at the airport,

to kinda signal the big --

so there you go.

I got a hammer

and a pipe wrench.

That's gonna have to --

that's gonna have to do.

And he's gettin'

awful close,

and he just --

oh, boy!

Oh!

All right, now, for you

youngsters out there,

it's a real important

safety lesson.

If someone is ever injured,

your main job

is to stay calm and

get them to the hospital

as quickly as possible.

[ applause ]

this is the experts

portion of the programme

where we address

those three little words

men find so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

Okay, and here's

our letter...

"dear experts,

"my wife has a lot

of female intuition.

"she can look at me

and know what I'm thinking.

"how does she do that?

"I never have a clue

what she's been up to."

boy, I can

relate to that.

Yeah, especially the never

having a clue part.

No!

I meant the way that when

ann marie looks at me,

she knows exactly

what I'm thinking.

Woman are just --

they're good at that!

No, it's not

just women.

I mean, I can tell,

every time somebody

looks at me,

what they're thinkin':

"that's the guy!"

nah, women don't have any

kind of special intuition.

Men give themselves away with

their body language,

that's all.

You mean like walkin'

through the door with

your hands up?

Well, yeah.

No, I mean, you know, we're

pretty simple machines.

We're not hard

to figure out.

We're like bulldozers,

you know?

Lots of power,

lots of gas,

we move things

from place to another,

don't really change

anything, you know?

You know, women,

they're more complicated.

They're like computers.

You can see what's

goin' on on the screen,

but you know by all

the humming and whirring

that there's something else

going on in the background.

Is that why women are

so hard to understand?

You ever seen how big a

computer manual is, mike?

Yeah, you see, women

have got the software,

and they've got

the graphics package,

and they got the

huge memory banks.

That's memory

with an "e."

and you gotta press

the right buttons,

or they'll freeze up on you.

Yeah, and all their dads

are lookin' at 'em

and trying to figure out

whether they should

get a newer model

with a faster

operating system

or just upgrade the

one they've already got

and run the risk of getting

into bed with yesterday's

technology.

No. No. No.

No way.

Okay, so you're saying this

viewer doesn't have a

ghost of a chance

of figuring out the

whole female intuition thing

because she's as

complex as a computer?

Yeah, if he's thinking of

getting a newer model

or upgrading,

she'll be onto him in

a port asbestos minute.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You start foolin' around

with a woman computer,

you're gonna find out what

"boot up" really means.

[ applause ]

you know there's

an old saying,

into every meal

a few vegetables may fall.

Here they go now.

That was easy, but what

happens if your wife's there?

You know she sees red

if you don't eat your greens.

Well, here's a simple

solution to the problem...

Get yourself a rat trap

and an old side view mirror

you don't use anymore.

Cauliflower may be

closer than it appears.

Now I just attach

the mirror face down

to the spring mount

on my rat trap, see,

and then when

I tap the release,

I'll rig her so she

just comes up to 90°,

which will hide my veggies

and make the

plate look clean.

David copperfield,

eat your heart out.

Better yet, eat my

wife's turnip casserole.

Let's demonstrate this in a

full dinner setting, shall we?

As you can see, I've moved

all my undesirables

to one half of the plate,

and on the other half,

I can enjoy the rest

of my meat entree.

Mm-mm-mm!

Now I just rotate the plate so

that the mirror is facing

towards bernice,

and then I subtly hit the

release when she's

not watching.

And I'm ready for dessert.

Never could keep

my veggies down.

[ applause ]

lock the door!

I think we lost 'em.

Okay, well, we've just

witnessed the collapse

of our communist regime.

Oh, uncle red, I'm so

sorry about this mess.

It wasn't really

your fault, harold.

What am I saying?

I mean, at least

we got paid, right?

Right!

At least we

got paid, right?

R-r-right --

well, not paid in

a sense of money per se.

Not money I could put in my

wife's purse, say?

Each of us gets 25% off any

post-graduate course

we wanna take.

Oh, no!

What do they want?

I already announced we

were gonna turn down

the government.

I think I know what

they're after, harold.

[ men shouting ]

settle down!

Settle down!

Here you go!

[ applause ]

yes, sir.

First rule of

politics, harold...

Give the people

what they want.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead,

comrade.

I'll be right down.

Okay.

Okay, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And, uh, the communist

thing is over,

but we can still party, huh?

With the difference

bein' I won't be rushin',

and I'm hopin'

you won't be stallin'.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang at

possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

the meeting's about to begin.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Okay, men, the communist thing

didn't really work out so good.

So I think we should go back

to thinking and acting

as individuals.

All in favour...

Opposed...

That's more like it.

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