X Marks The Spot/Transcript

The complete transcript for X Marks The Spot

Opening Words
''{Text appears on screen: "Women better themselves. Men better their friends." A crowd is heard cheering as the sound of punching is heard, followed by the sound of somebody falling over, after which a bell rings repeatedly.}''

The Experts
''{Harold, Red and Dalton Humphrey sit in the lodge around a table. Harold sits in a recliner while Red and Dalton sit in a two-person couch.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! And on this week's Expert portion of the show, we have experts, my Uncle Red and his good friend, Dalton Humphrey!

''{The audience and Harold applaud. Red and Dalton wave. Harold picks up an envelope and opens it. He takes out a folded letter and unfolds it.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, good! That's fine. 'Kay, first question goes as follows: {reads letter} "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Dalton} La-la-laa! All righty. {resumes reading} "–How old–" {stops suddenly} Whoa! Excellent one, okay! {resumes reading} "How old should a child be before you explain the facts of life to them?" {giggles; looks toward Red}

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, this really depends on the maturity of the child. Some of them are ready at thirteen, others aren't ready until... Well, how old are you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Nineteen.

RED GREEN: Until they're 21. But I'll tell ya, this is one job that no parent wants to do. I'm really glad I won't have to explain the facts of life any. {looks toward Dalton} Well, well, Dalton? {Dalton looks at Red} Uh, how old was your daughter when you told her about the birds and the bees?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, that's a wife's job, Red.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. A dad tells a son what he tells a daughter. Kind of the natural order of things, {Red nods} and, uh... Well, you're dad taught you, right?

RED GREEN: Well, no, he just, uh, gave me a book by Mickey Spillane called "Kiss Me Deadly", and, uh, he said, "This is what married people do." I thought he meant shoot each other and have car chases. That's pretty much what his relatives did, you know.

HAROLD GREEN: Mr. Humphrey, how old was your daughter Tabitha when your wife told her about the facts– {laughs} about the, uh– the– the– y'know, the– {flaps his arms; looks behind him} about it? When– How old– How old was she when she heard about it?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, she hasn't yet! Tabitha's only twenty. There's no rush.

RED GREEN: But she has a boyfriend, though, doesn't she, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Huh! So? You know what? It's puppy love, Red; totally innocent.

RED GREEN: {shrugs} All right.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know what? I don't think they even kiss yet. {giggles}

RED GREEN: I just thought, y'know, 'cause they moved in together, so...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, yeah, but that– that– that doesn't... mean anything. He sleeps on the couch. {Harold laughs; suddenly impatient} Her mother will talk to her when the time's right, all right?!

RED GREEN: Well, I hope she can get her attention in the delivery room.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * I ask lots of men, what's the thing they like most?
 * Hunting or fishing or peanut butter on toast?
 * The most popular answer from each time I've asked
 * Is, whatever I'm doing, I like to go fast.

HAROLD GREEN: {singing} He likes to go fast!

RED GREEN:
 * Driving a car or riding a bike,
 * Eating my dinner or taking a hike.
 * Speed is the thrill that makes all men glad,
 * Except when we've fallen off the roof, in which case, we'd like gravity to just ease off on the throttle a tad.

Handyman Corner
{Red enters another section of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: All right, maybe I didn't have too much luck at this year's spring trading, but I'll tell ya something: the true handyman makes his own luck. And often, his own bandages.

{Red walks up to two clothes dryers and a bicycle leaning on one of them.}

RED GREEN: All right, I couldn't get rid of these two clothes dryers and this bicycle. {pulls bike in front of him} So I guess you could say I'm stuck with 'em. Well then, why not turn them into something useful? I believe it was Shakespeare who said, {struggles to pull one dryer closer to the other} you can't make a silk ear out of a sow's purse. {struggles to align this dryer up perfectly with the other} No, maybe that was Sir Francis Bacon. {struggles some more} But didn't he also say, you can make an electric lawn roller out of just about anything. And it's dead easy!

''{Red struggles to push the dryer up behind the bike. Wipe to a later scene. Wearing goggles, Red is cutting one of the dryers with an electric saw.}''

RED GREEN: First step, you gotta chop 'em down a little bit... {cuts some more} ...so that the drum will sit right there on the ground.

''{Red gets up from this dryer. He gestures toward the other dryer, which has had its outer base cut out, revealing the drum underneath, lying on the ground.}''

RED GREEN: See here? This is how they look when they're chopped and channeled with the chrome lifters and the (?) shifters on them. Kind of a beautiful-looking unit, don't you think? Coupla laps on your yard and this thing is... {taps dryer} Your grass'll be smooth enough to golf on. {gestures back toward other dryer} All right, once I get that one done, I need something to connect the two, so... {picks up bike and places it between the two dryers} I'm gonna use this bike. Kinda stick her in here. I could attach it with, uh, spot welding or stove bolts or... {picks up a roll of duct tape} Hey, how about the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape?

''{Red starts to pull out some duct tape. Wipe to a later scene. Red has finished putting duct tape on the bike seat. The camera pulls back to reveal the bike now mounted by duct tape onto the two dryers, with the wheels inside the dryers' drums.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, now I got the bicycle mounted onto my dryers here, and, uh, here's a word of caution. Actually, a little mistake that I made. Make sure you get a comfortable seat. {feels bike seats} Not one of these darn racing seats. We're looking at a major wedgie in my near future right here. The reason they call them banana seats is because they have to peel you off of them. Another thing you want to think about is that the dryers... the exhaust of them gives off a lot of the fabric softener fumes. You don't wanna be breathing that in. So what I'm gonna do is... {picks up a dryer exhaust pipe behind him} I'm gonna mount a couple of exhaust pipes using some of the standard, uh, {holds up a duct pipe} duct work from the dryer here. {starts looking around} And I just need something to tape the duct work together... {looks around behind him} Uh, some kind of a tape for duct work...

''{Red starts digging through several rolls full of duct tape on a table behind him, tossing them all helter-skeleter as he does so. The audience laughs. He suddenly pulls out a roll of white adhesive tape.}''

RED GREEN: Here we go. Adhesive tape, that'll be perfect. {picks up dryer exhaust pipe and squats down behind dryer} Just mount these on here. Boy, look at that, eh? Nothing says power like dual exhaust. Just screams, {points exhaust pipe at camera} "eat my lint!"

''{Red starts taping the pipe to the dryer with the adhesive tape. Wipe to a later scene. The two pairs of duct and exhaust pipes have been taped to the back of the dryer attached to the rear wheel of the bike. The pipes are sticking out of the open door of this dryer.}''

RED GREEN: There we go! Got her all mounted up there. Now, I'm gonna be rolling a lawn, so I got her set on permanent press, but when I get to the garden beds, I'll flip her over to the delicate cycle. {starts walking around lawn roller, crawling under pipes doing so} Another thing you know, inside the dryer, you got a lotta air blowing around in there. {squats down next to a lint filter and a bag of grass seed} And you got one of these lint filters. {fills filter up with seeds} That's an ideal opportunity to throw some grass seed in there. {puts lint filter full of seeds inside dryer} Pop that baby in there, and you can actually be rolling and seeding all at the same time. {holds up some extension cords lying on dryer} And I got her hardwired into the house with plenty of cord for maneuverability. {stands next to lawn roller} She's a beauty, isn't she? Also make a dandy little steam roller, even a leaf press. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome... {slowly climbs up on bike seat from the right, swinging his left leg around to left as he does so} Ah! {sits down on seat, leaning on handlebars} ...they should at least find you handy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get rolling!

''{Red pushes the starter button on the front roller. The dryers start humming and the drums start rolling. The lawn roller starts moving off-screen. Suddenly, just as the two duct pipes mounted on the back of the roller leave the screen, the roller topples over on its side.}''

RED GREEN: {as the roller topples over} Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! {after the roller falls over} Well, she rolled.

Commercial bumper
''{Red stands in Ranger Gord's fire watchtower. He looks out over the forest while Gord makes motions with his hand.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned to find out about Ranger Gord's imaginary friend. Yikes!