Car Pool

Red tries to start a car pool for the sole purpose of buying a 12-passenger van.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, Handyman Corner, The Experts, Red's Poetry, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Adventures With Bill, Harold's Segments

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 2

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: The "Car Pool" episode was part of our third season. It was actually the only season that we shot the show in London, Ontario, so we had a whole geographical move and we all went out there and... we had a great time. That was also the first year that we did the show in front of a live audience. We never thought for a second that anybody would come to one of those, but... we were shocked. Uh, couple of things that stuck out for me in this show... One of them was the Adventure film where Bill was trying to find different ways to cut down trees. And he had this idea that {holds up one hand} we just picked up what we call a bucksaw or a tree-saw. You'll see it in a minute. And if he just {moves his other hand as if pulling on a motor} pulled on a string and we added the sound of a little motor starting and he shook it, that when the viewer saw that, that would look like there was some kind of a little motor, some kind of an odd little Swiss saw. And it was just one of those little amazing things where, y'know, where what you hear with your ears actually affects what you see with your eyes. And the other part of the show that stuck out for me was using the drain pipes of your house as an intercom. I was driving down the highway, and I was talking to somebody on the phone– No, I wasn't! Sorry, I was just driving down the highway, {snaps fingers} and I got this idea of how all the drains in your house are connected, and if you could actually yell down your toilet, you could speak to somebody in the bathtub. And I was so excited, I– I started phoning people and telling them about the idea. They didn't like it, but I went ahead anyway.

Title Sequence
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, the scene cuts to a shot of Harold striking a defensive pose.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Hi, this is Red Green. In today's show, Harold's gonna show ya some bully-proofing...

{Cut to a shot of Bill holding an ax and a saw, standing in front of a stand of trees, while the Possum Van goes by behind him and comes to stop, knocking down one tree in the process.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Bill's gonna take down a tree...

{Cut to a shot of Red speaking through a funnel attached to a siphon hose sticking out of a toilet.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'm gonna build a really neat intercom system.

''{Cut to an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshots appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.}''

Intro
''{The camera pans through the Lodge, past various items strewn about, until it reaches the main room of the Lodge. All the while, Harold introduces the show.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Here's the main reason we call this "The Red Green Show", the man who pays the bills and sometimes the Harolds. {laughs} Here he is, the small medium, Mr. Lodge, Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you. Thank you very much, and thanks for tuning us in. {to Harold} Small medium? What was that, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know! Don't you get it? Small, medium, lodge! Y'know, it's like a– a– a– a dwarf psychic at a resort. Or you know what else? It could be like, um, uh, like clothing size. Small, medium, lodge! {laughs}

RED GREEN: Yeah, you know, I wish I had an extra lodge. I'd send you into it. {to audience} By golly, I'm looking face-to-face with the opportunity of a lifetime here this week. Buster Hadfield, about three months ago, bought himself a brand-new twelve-passenger van. And, of course, it got repoed, you know. Buster, uh, Buster has taken him to court on that one. He says, as far as he's concerned, the ad was very clear. It said, "No money down, no interest, no payments, ever", okay? And the judge says, "Yeah, there is a plan like that, but it's called grand theft auto."

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Uncle Red, that is like a really awesome van, too. Haw! You know, if we– if we had a van like that, you know, I could drive all the cheerleaders to every football game, you know? And who knows? Maybe one day, one of them might acknowledge my existence. Y'know, like in a positive way.

RED GREEN: Well, you know, Harold, I think I can get ourselves a real good deal on that unit. All's I have to do is take over the payments.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but Uncle Red, what if there's more owing on the van than what it's worth?

RED GREEN: Oh, come on now, Harold. You think a bank is gonna lend somebody more money than they can pay back?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes. They do it all the time, but it's, you know, it's for rich people and governments.

RED GREEN: Right. But this is Buster, okay? Now, the whole thing comes down to the art of negotiation, which happens to be my specialty, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, really? {giggles} And how much did you pay for the Possum Van?

RED GREEN: Nothin', Harold. That was a gift from my parents for graduating from public school. That way, I wouldn't have to borrow my dad's car to drive to junior high.

HAROLD GREEN: We've a bit of a slow learner there, were we? {laughs}

RED GREEN: Well, it was a different world then, Harold. You know, we had the chores and the harvest and... of course, billiards. 'Course all of us were in the same boat at that time, you know. The youngest guy in my high school class was always the teacher.

HAROLD GREEN: Virtually amazing, Uncle Red. I mean, there you stand in this age of information, with no virtually no education, no insight, no special abilities, certainly no people skills. Basically, an IQ about, y'know, room temperature. And there you stand, sir, and I say this to you, that you are a tribute to the television standard.

RED GREEN: Well, thank you, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {with a hint of uncertainty} You're welcome.

''{Harold plays his switcher. The show segues to the next segment.}''

Red's Campfire Song 1
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Up at the Lodge, we have a special vittle.
 * We call it newborn chili.

HAROLD GREEN: {singing} Chili...

RED GREEN:
 * It's part rabbit, so there's a hare in your soup,
 * Part turnip, part cabbage, part filly.
 * Oh, the mitts are all up, with a pound of kN.
 * That's newborn chili all right.
 * We call it "newborn", 'cause it's lovely on the bottom,
 * And it makes a racket in the middle of the night.

Handyman Corner
''{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another part of the Lodge, where Red stands next to a worktable. On the table are a toilet and various pipes.}''

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you how to modernize your home, to make it not only more convenient for your family, but also easier to sell, when that day comes, which it will, when you can no longer motivate yourself to come up with the mortgage payment. {looks at toilet} All right, now, the first thing you're gonna need is about, uh, half a dozen of these previously-owned, personal, porcelain appliances. And I'll tell ya, you can pretty well name your own price on these units, because there is very little demand, surprisingly enough, for the used toilet. {picks up some pipes} Now, you're also gonna need a bunch of the ABS drain pipe {picks up a T-shaped pipe fitting} and a whole trunkload of fittings, y'know, the Ts and the elbows and what have you, so that you can connect all this stuff into your existing drain system. Now, you can use the, uh, epoxy cement on that, or you could use– you could use gum, or even pop rivets.

''{Red takes the fitting and attaches it to the pipe. Wipe to a later scene. Red has attached several fittings to the pipes and attached them all together with duct tape. One pipe sticks out of the bottom of the toilet.}''

RED GREEN: I prefer the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. Okay, now you put one of these units into each of the rooms that you use most often, and you hook them right into the drain system, like I've done here. Now, they say that a man's home is his castle. Well, now you can have a throne in every room. And put the unit right out in the middle of the room like this, because this is no longer a toilet. This is now a custom-made, room-to-room intercom system. A combination transmitter and receiver. {opens toilet seat lid} Or a transceiver, as we call it in the business. And the drain system becomes your distribution grid. {looking at pipe sticking out through the roof} And if you hook her into the roof breather, as I've done here, you now have a two-way public address system right out to your front door, so you can, y'know, greet your guests or tell the police that you're not home or whatever.

The Experts
{Harold stands in the Lodge basement beside a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now it's that part of the show where we expose the three little words that men find so difficult to say: "I don't know." {Red and Hap emerge from behind a door in the back and enter into the room.} And here to prove that point on the "Experts" portion of the show is my uncle Red and... Mr. Hap Shaughnessy.

''{Red and Hap wave. They all sit around the table, which has a weird black gizmo on it. Harold picks up a letter.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Here we go with our letter. Um... {points to black thing} our viewer sent this in, actually, for your professional analysis, so this ought to be interesting. It says, "Dear Experts, I found this do-hickey while cleaning out my closet, and I'd like to know what it is and how it works. Please give me a clue. Signed, Clued Out."

{Pause}

RED GREEN: ...Is there any more information there, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: No. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, sorry, there is. It says, "I bet my twenty dollars that you guys will get this wrong."

RED GREEN: {looking at black thing} Well, I would say this is a piece of farm machinery of some kind. {leaning in closer to feel it} If you look at the markings there–

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Don't touch it, Red. {shakes his head} What you have there is a top level, top secret explosive device.

HAROLD GREEN: Are you sure, Mr. Shaughnessy?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {sounding annoyed} Yes, Harold! {calmer} The Israelis use these, and the Turks. It's a kind of– kind of a plastic explosive, or "plastique". Only this one is metal, so it's called a... "metal-ique".

RED GREEN: {picks up thing} Well, Hap, I don't know what this is, either. I'll tell you one thing: we're not gonna waste any more time with it. Let's get on with the next letter.

''{Red tosses the thing aside. Suddenly, they hear an explosion that gets their attention. A few pieces of a bicycle fly through the air. Some land next to Harold, who picks them up.}''

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, somebody out there owes his wife twenty bucks. And somebody in here owes me an apology.

RED GREEN: It didn't explode, Hap, it landed on an aerosol paint can. So nobody owes anybody anything.

HAROLD GREEN: {holding up bike pieces} Somebody owes me a new bike...

Red's Poetry
''{Red is sitting on a bench in the snow, dressed in a heavy parka. He opens a book and starts reading.}''

RED GREEN: It is winter. The frozen rain turns the willow tree into a giant, shimmering chandelier. A million diamonds dance in its branches, or so it seems, as I look up through it. And to think I didn't even notice all this beauty until I slipped and fell flat on my back. This is my lucky day!

Explanations

 * Epoxy is a thermosetting polymer formed from reaction of an epoxide "resin" with polyamine "hardener". Epoxy has a wide range of applications, including fiber-reinforced plastic materials and general purpose adhesives.