Snowed In/Transcript

The complete transcript for Snowed In

Opening Scene
''{Outside the lodge, Red pushes a hand truck along. It has a tank full of helium duct-taped to it, so he's having some difficulty with it.}''

RED GREEN: You know, when I was twenty, I weighed 150 pounds in my shorts. Well, in anybody's shorts, really. And now that I'm... not twenty, my doctor gets a big kick out of weighing me every time I go in there, no matter what I went in for in the first place. {stops next to a worktable piled high will rolls of duct tape} Sore throat, Mr. Green? Step up up on the scale. Pulled muscle, Mr. Green? Up on the scale. Lawn dart through the foot? Up you go. Talk about adding insult to injury. And now he says he'd like me to lose fifteen pounds. Well, I'd like him to drop dead! Here's another option. It's not as violent, but it is dishonest, so it has that going for it. {holds up an ducky-themed inflatable pool ring} All's you got to do is hide one of these kids' inflatable swim ring things under your clothes. {takes pool ring over to helium tank} Then just full her up with a lighter-than-air gas like hydrogen, or in this case, {taps helium tank} helium, and bingo! You go from a heavyweight to a welterweight without even trying.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red's pants have bulged out as he has seemingly stuffed the pool ring under his pants. He feels around himself with satisfaction.}''

RED GREEN: There. Time to make my doctor look foolish for a change.

''{Red then steps on a weight scale. He then takes a hose from the helium tank and turns it on. The gas hisses out as the pool ring in his pants inflate. Meanwhile, Red's weight goes down. It started out at above 160 and drops to 150. He then turns off the gas with a look of satisfaction.}''

RED GREEN: Now, if you'll excuse me, {puts hose aside} I have an appointment to keep.

''{Red walks up to the Possum Van, his pants bulging from the helium he had just put in the pool ring underneath. He opens the door and tries to climb up into it. Unfortunately, he has some trouble getting in one leg at a time, so instead, he jumps in with both feet. He then struggles to sit down, his inflated body accidentally honking the horn on the steering wheel in the process. Once seated, he reaches out and closes the door. Unfortunately, he closes the door so hard that it causes the pool ring full of helium to explode and release all the helium out into the van.}''

RED GREEN: {high-pitched voice} Oh, the humanity! {hangs his head}

Intro
''{Outside the lodge windows, snow is piling up so high that it's halfway up the windows, almost burying the lodge. Red walks out from the lodge basement, waving to the camera and the cheering audience.}''

RED GREEN: All right. Thank you. Oh, yeah. I know, I appreciate that. Wow! {rubs hands together and looks behind him to see the snow} As you can see, uh, we've had another one of our freak snowstorms up at the lodge. You know, I think it's the pollution levels in Possum Lake that do it, 'cause lakes are supposed to freeze in the winter, right, not congeal.

HAROLD GREEN: {calling out from offscreen} UNCLE RED! {Red looks around} Uncle Red, help!

RED GREEN: Where are you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: I'm stuck outside! I can't get in!

RED GREEN: {hurrying over to front door} Oh, okay. Hang on. Hang on. I'll help you.

HAROLD GREEN: Help!

{Red opens the door, revealing a solid wall of snow behind it, a small bit of which comes in through the front door.}

RED GREEN: {startled} Oh! Um... {scratches head and looks around; finds a ski leaning against the wall} Okay, Harold, look, I'm gonna hand the ski in through the door, okay? You grab the end and I'll pull you inside, all right?

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. Good idea!

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

''{Red sticks the ski into the wall of snow and pushes it in, presumably towards Harold. Suddenly, the ski is pulled away from Red and disappears into the wall of ice, startling Red.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold! You took it right out of my hands!

HAROD GREEN: Sorry! {Red sighs} Can we try it again?

RED GREEN: {taking second ski} All right, here comes the other one.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, good, yeah.

RED GREEN: Okay...

''{Red sticks the ski into the snow as well, but it too gets pulled away from him. Red sways his head in annoyance.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, yeah, I'm sorry. {Red nods} My fault.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah. {wipes his nose}

HAROLD GREEN: What am I gonna do now?

RED GREEN: Uh, put the skis on and go to the back door. {closes door; turns to camera} Well, like I say, you know, the roads are all closed. The town's pretty much shut down. Even the police aren't working today.

{Mike walks out into the room, feeling quite happy.}

MIKE HAMAR: Ah, I love this weather!

{Red sees Mike and wipes his nose.}

RED GREEN: Yeah. {pointing outside} You know, I, uh... I just sent Harold around the back way. Did he make it?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah, he made it. He's just out digging the snow out of his underwear. You know, Mr. Green, I remember seeing this movie once where these people were stranded in a snowstorm, and, like, the only way they could survive is if they ate one of them.

{Harold comes out into the room, walking awkwardly, trying to remove the snow from himself.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red?

RED GREEN: Yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: Hoo! It's cold inside. I think we're stuck here for the duration.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: We should just curl up with a good book or something. {Mike feels his arm} What are you doing?!

MIKE HAMAR: {nods} He's tender. {takes out bottle} Would you like a drink, Harold? {unscrews cap}

HAROLD GREEN: {to Mike} Yes, please. {to Red, taking bottle} I was outside, and I got all stuck outside and everything like that.

RED GREEN: {putting hands on hips} Yeah.

{Harold takes a sip of Mike's drink and then reacts in surprise with his tongue out and wagging around.}

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to bottle} That– What is that?!

MIKE HAMAR: Marinade.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

''{Winston pumps his fist. The camera pulls back to reveal Winston standing behind the card table where Red and Dalton are seated.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {holding up coupon} Tonight's winner receives this coupon from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. It's our new high-tech computer rooter treatment! Has a big download clogged your line? Does your hardware make unnecessary backups? Let us come and give your system a little extra RAM!

''{Winston holds up his fist. Red groans at Winston's joke and shakes his head, while Dalton facepalms himself. Winston then takes the sign with the word on it.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Okay, cover your ears there, Dalton. {Dalton does so} Okay, Red, you have thirty seconds to get Dalton to say this word... {turns sign around; word is "Diet") "Diet". "Diet".

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Winston.

{Dalton uncovers his ears.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And... Go!

RED GREEN: Okay, Dalton, what do you do when you're trying to look thinner?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Stand farther back.

RED GREEN: Okay, s-say you wanna have a drink, but you're trying to lose weight. So you don't have a regular soda, you have a...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Uh, a mini-soda. 'Course, didn't do much for Minnesota Fats, huh?

{Dalton laughs at his joke, and Red joins in, too.}

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Not even close there. Okay, now, Moose Thompson went to the doctor last week, and the doctor saw he was up way over 300 pounds, okay? He put him on a...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, a stronger chair.

RED GREEN: {strokes chin in thought, then snaps fingers} Okay, okay, okay, okay. This is something that your wife is on all the time...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh... {sighs} The warpath. {shakes head}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {gesturing to his watch} Red, you're almost out of time here.

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, okay. Dalton, imagine that you're Santa Claus...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, that'd never happen, Red. {laughs}

RED GREEN: No, okay, okay. Imagine that you look like Santa Claus, all right? You got the "bowl full of jelly belly" thing going on there. What would you do to improve your appearance, huh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, if I had all that white hair, I'd dye it.

RED GREEN: Yeah!

''{Red rings the bell excitedly, ending the game, and Winston gives Dalton the coupon. Winston then applauds.}''

Handyman Corner
{Red stands in a small house outside the lodge, looking out the window.}

RED GREEN: You know, as people get older they tend to not like progress. That's because when somebody comes out with a new way of doing something you've been doing your whole life, it's really their way of saying, "Hey, you're a moron!"

{Cut inside the house, where it's revealed that Red is standing in the kitchen.}

RED GREEN: And that's why guys like me are always looking for ways to show these young bucks that we did it better in the old days. Let me give you an example. {points to a stove at one end of the kitchen} Here we have a stove that we used to do most of our cooking. {holds up hand hastily} Not all of our cooking, {looks out window again, seeing a propane-powered barbecue outside} because sometimes we like to barbeque. See, now, that's a man's way of helping out with dinner without actually ever having to set foot inside the kitchen. {looks toward sink in another area of the kitchen} Then when we're all done and it's time to do the dishes, we just turn on the hot water, {turns on sink, letting some water flow} and away we go. {turns off sink, then walks over to heater controls on the wall} And later on in the evening, the house can get pretty cool, especially if you were late coming home from work... or whatever. So all's we do is {turns on heater} crank up the furnace. {notices some papers on the counter} But wait a minute. What have I got here? {picks up and examines papers} I got a gas bill for the furnace and the stove, an electric bill for the hot water heater, and a propane bill for the barbecue. Separate bills for four things that do exactly the same thing: produce heat! How crazy is that, huh? Well, I think it's time to get back to the way our forefathers did things.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red walks down into the basement.}''

RED GREEN: Remember when your wife dragged you on that historical tour of Williamsburg, eh? Remember the fireplace they had there that they cooked on and heated water on and heated the house with? Well, see, now, I think they had the right idea. They just didn't have the right technology. Well, we have that now. {walks up to the furnace} It's called a furnace, huh?

''{Smiling, Red reaches his hand out to touch the furnace duct, only to recoil in pain as he notices how hot it is. He clutches at his hand in pain.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, um... you see how they have it all closed in like that, eh? That's so you can't see what's going on in there. {stoops down to base of furnace} And down here, you have the flame in this area. And then, above that is the air chamber where the air gets heated. And then you have the fan that fires the warm air up into the house. And that's all it does! What a waste of engineering! {takes a sledgehammer} Well, I think we can do a little better than that, huh?

''{Red hits the furnace with the sledgehammer. The outer walls of the furnace fall off. Wipe to a later scene. Red has put an oven door on the furnace. He wipes his hands together and stands up. On top of the furnace, a gas can is duct-taped to the heating duct. Behind the furnace, the hot water heater tank has fallen over.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, now we're cooking! See. I mounted the oven door on here, 'cause this isn't just a furnace anymore. Now it's a... It's a... Well, I don't know what it is, but it's not just a furnace, that's for sure. {stoops down beside furnace, showing off the bottom of the furnace} Okay, you got your furnace burner right down at the bottom, 'cause this is where you do all your barbecuing. I mean, you might even throw a few briquettes on the burner. Think how good that's going to make your house smell. That's a nice change, isn't it? {gets up and opens oven door, taking out cookie sheet full of cookie dough} Okay, now, this cookie sheet becomes the bottom of my oven, see? {puts cookie sheet back in oven} But because it's so far above the flames, {closes oven door} I can actually bake on the bottom of the oven! I mean, the efficiencies just keep on coming! I'd say these cookies will be done in about twenty minutes. Even sooner if we have a cold snap. {taps gas can above furnace} Oh, yeah, and I'm using this old gas can as my hot water heater. {holds up index finger} A couple of things to remember here. Number one, don't use a plastic gas can. Of course, hindsight is always 20-20, isn't it? And the other thing is, you want to be careful with your overhead pipe joints. I mean, any plumber will tell you that they're tricky to duct tape. Oh, and here's another bonus: {pulls out filter, which has a pizza on it} I'm using my pull-out filter as a pizza oven. {puts filter back in furnace/oven and wipes hands together} Okay, let's fire her up.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is standing in the kitchen again. The inner workings of the oven have been removed and lying on the floor. He removes the furnace thermostat from the wall with a screwdriver. He has put the oven controls on the wall in the thermostat's place.}''

RED GREEN: Now, obviously, the standard furnace thermostat is not gonna give us the kind of BTUs we need, so I replaced it with the heat control out of the oven.

''{Red turns the oven dial on the wall to activate the oven-furnace. The furnace flame roars to life.}''

RED GREEN: But you gotta keep an eye on this baby, 'cause if you don't pay attention, you can get the house up to 450 degrees. That'll cost you a fortune. {suddenly hears crackling and smells something; becomes attentive} I smell cookies!

''{Red runs down into the basement, where the flames from the oven are roaring and crackling. He takes a pair of barbecue tongs and uses them to open the oven door and remove the cookie tray from the oven. He accidentally drops the tray on the floor and spills the now-burnt cookies on the floor. He picks up one of the cookies and blows on it to cool it off. He looks disappointed by how burnt it is. But he doesn't have time to worry about it, as he then hears the sound of the smoke alarm blaring. He runs up the stairs. In the kitchen, smoke from the furnace is spewing in from the basement, causing the alarm to go crazy. Red covers his ears in frustration and looks up at the smoke alarm going off. He throws the burnt cookie he had with him at the smoke alarm and hits it with enough to knock it off the ceiling and hang from a few wires. The noise shuts off. Then he runs over to the oven dial on the wall and turns off the oven-furnace. He then looks into the camera with bemusement, coughing briefly.}''

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk a little bit about mixed marriages. A morning person should never marry a night person. Believe me, it's going to cause nothing but trouble in the long run. First of all, at the crack of dawn, the morning person is all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, while the night person is bleary-eyed and bushy-tongued. And on the other hand, in the wee small hours, Mrs. Merry Morning is deep into hibernation on the couch, snoring so loud that Mr. Night Owl can barely hear his infomercials. See, burning the matrimonial candle at both ends? Well, that puts a strain on any kind of relationship. And no amount of coffee can turn a morning person into a night person or vice-versa. What you got here is an unnatural union, okay? And there's only one way to save it: you got to concentrate on the afternoon. That's the only time of the day when both of you are not too tired or too cranky. That's your window of opportunity, so draw a curtain over it and go for a little afternoon delight, okay? Just make sure you go home first. Unless you both work at the White House. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Segue: Winston Rothschild
{Winston stands beside his sewage truck, arms crossed, posing proudly.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You always get your septics pumped.

{Cut to Winston on top of his truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Your tank's as clear as a bell!

{Cut to Winston on the ground in front of his truck again.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: But be sure your neighbor gets his done, too, or you'll be a victim of second-hand smell.

{Winston holds up his business card.}

Plot Segment 2
''{The snow is still burying the lodge. Mike is holding up a ladder toward the ceiling.}''

RED GREEN: We're having a little problem. Uh... Th-The drinks and the snacks are holding out, but, uh, the TV reception is terrible. All we get is snow! So we got Harold up on a ladder there, {makes a twisting motion with his hand} hoping that he can turn the aerial from inside the roof. {looks up at ceiling}

MIKE HAMAR: You know, uh, Mr. Green, I could use some help here.

RED GREEN: Oh...

MIKE HAMAR: Harold's got a lot of meat on him.

{Red walks up to Mike, arms on his hips and looking annoyed.}

RED GREEN: We're not gonna eat him, Mike, okay?

''{Suddenly, Red and Mike hear Harold screaming like a little girl. They look up to him.}''

RED GREEN: What is it, Harold?!

HAROLD GREEN: {calling down} There's a lot of bats up here!

RED GREEN: Oh.

''{Harold drops several baseball bats down. They hit the floor, clattering. Red and Mike see this, then look back up to Harold again.}''

RED GREEN: Can you– Can you reach the aerial pole from inside the roof?

HAROLD GREEN: No! But there's a trap door.

RED GREEN: Why would there be a trap door in our roof?

MIKE HAMAR: I put one in when I was living up there. But then the charges were dropped.

RED GREEN: Can you open the door, Harold?

''{The trap door creaks open, then falls to the floor. It hits the floor with a thud, covered in snow.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Yes!

{Red nods, bemused.}

RED GREEN: Well, can you reach the aerial now, Harold?

''{The sound of metal creaking is heard as Harold tries to pull on the aerial. Suddenly, however, it, too, falls on the floor, broken. Red and Mike glance at each other in disappointment.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Not now, no.

RED GREEN: Okay, so now we got no TV reception at all. What next?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I'm hungry. {looks up} C'mon down, Harold!

RED GREEN: {looks at Mike, frustrated} Stop it! Stop!

MIKE HAMAR: {holding up hand defensively} Okay, okay!

Red's Handyman Tips
''{Late one night, Red drives the Possum Van up a driveway to someone's garage and backs it up towards it. Red gets out. Then a second car drives up and a light on a motion detector on the front of the house lights up. A man gets out of this car and walks up to the house. Red chuckles.}''

RED GREEN: {gesturing toward man as he walks through front door} Busted. You married guys know the situation: you promised your wife you'd be home from poker night at 11:00, and the only way you can possible make it is if you preset all the clocks in the house to Honolulu time. {walks toward garage} Now, what you want is a way to get your vehicle up the driveway safely without waking anybody inside.

''{Red opens the closed garage door and opens it by hand. Inside is a boat trailer with a power winch on it.}''

RED GREEN: See, that's what this power winch is for, eh? I attached my boat trailer to the rear wall of my garage.

{He then shakes the boat trailer, which is revealed to be tied by a rope to an eyebolt in the wall.}

RED GREEN: She's not going anywhere. I used eyebolts, which make sense, 'cause every time my wife asks me what's that for, I bolt!

''{He then takes a remote control and some winch cable, which is in the reel of the power winch. He pulls the cable out of the garage, and the reel unwinds.}''

RED GREEN: Next, I got myself extra-long winch cable and a little extension wiring for my electrical hookup. {attaches cable to hitch ball on back of van} Now when I plug in my electrical hookup, the winch'll be running off the van battery, {makes a pulling motion} and it'll pull the van slowly up the driveway, whisper quiet, eh, without having to put the headlights on. So sweet dreams.

''{Red plugs in the electrical hookup to a plug hooked up to the van battery. The cable starts reeling in taut. Suddenly, he hears the sound of metal creaking, which worries Red.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, man, the emergency brake!

''{Red runs to the front of the Possum Van and gets into the driver's seat, about to turn it on. Suddenly, however, he hears the sound of a crashing sound, along with the sound of metal scraping, as the boat trailer is being dragged out of the garage and into the driveway. Red looks over his shoulder to see what's happening and becomes surprised at what's going on. Not only is the boat trailer being dragged out into the street, but it broke off the back wall of the garage, dragging it out into the street with the trailer, toward the Possum Van.}''

Plot Segment 3
''{Red comes up from the lodge basement into the main room again. The snow outside is so high that it's almost completely buried the lodge, hiding any view from the outside.}''

RED GREEN: Boy, it's getting pretty desperate around here. {points to fingers as he says...} We got no food, we got no water, and worst of all, we got no TV. I mean, it's... it's starting to get ugly.

HAROLD GREEN: {calling out from offscreen} Uncle Red! {running up from basement} Uncle Red! You know what we can do now? Know what we can do now? Now we can play, like, another round of "Who am I?"

{Red hangs his head as Harold stands one one foot and places both hands over his head like a ballerina.}

HAROLD GREEN: Who am I?

RED GREEN: You don't want to know who you are, Harold. {holds up index finger} Hey, I got a better idea. Why don't you go hide somewhere, I'll count to 100, and then have a nap.

{Suddenly, they hear the front door knocking.}

HAROLD GREEN: {ecstatic} Someone's at the door!

RED GREEN: Yeah!

HAROLD GREEN: We're saved! We're saved! Whoo-hoo! We're saved!

''{Harold runs over to the front door and opens it. It's Dalton, who has tunneled through the snow and crawling into the lodge on his hands and knees. He is covered in bits of snow.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {to Red} It's Dalton! It's Dalton! We're saved! {to Dalton, reaching out to hug him} Oh, Dalton, thank you. {points to Red} They were gonna eat me!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {gets up, closes door and shoos Harold away} Harold, get away from me. ''{turns and walks toward Red}' Red, I tunneled all the way over here from my house just so I could be at the lodge.

RED GREEN: {incredulous} You mean you didn't come here to save us?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no, I came here to save me.

RED GREEN: {exasperated} Come on now. We got no food, we got no water, we got no TV. We'd be way better off at your place. {waves Harold over} C'mon, Harold, let's go. {they both head for the front door, taking coats with them}

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Okay, Red, but you are going to be there all alone with my wife Anne-Marie and my daughter. They're trying on dresses.

''{They open the front door, but as soon as they hear what Dalton said, they stop and slam the door shut in frustration. Red hangs up his coat in aggravation. Harold frowns at Red.}''

RED GREEN: Forget it. Sorry, Harold, sorry.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Meeting time.

RED GREEN: {gestures toward basement} You go ahead– {to Harold} I'm sorry, I musta– I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

''{Harold is still too upset to move, but Red waves him down the stairs. After a moment's hesitation, Harold goes downstairs.}''

RED GREEN: {looking into camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the snow plows. And don't worry, I know how to get home. I have a lot of fun at the lodge, but none of these guys have what you got. And if they ever get it, I'm quitting. {looks to audience} To the rest of you, thanks for watching. Oh behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red walks down into the basement for the lodge meeting. Down there, it is completely empty, with no one there except Harold, Mike and Dalton.}''

HAROLD GREEN: We've got a meeting happening. {sees Red coming down stairs} Sit down, sit down. Here he comes.

''{Everyone sits down, with Dalton seated in the audience instead of at the front. Red takes his place at the front of the meeting.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {standing up} All rise!

{Red, Mike and Dalton stand and put their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando omni flunkus moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits down} All right, men, bow your heads for the Man's Prayer.

{Everyone bows their heads.}

EVERYONE: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. {everyone lifts their heads again}

RED GREEN: Okay, men, we have a pretty serious charge in front of us here tonight. Harold claims that during our current crisis, Mike assaulted him.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no. Not assaulted. Salted! {takes out a salt shaker and pours salt on his head} He salted me! Over and over. {stares at Mike, then back at Red} I'm well-marbled.