The New Doctor/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Thank you very much.

Well, the big day

has finally arrived.

Possum lake's only bona fide

medical man retired today.

We still got dr. Harris.

Harold, dr. Harris is a woman.

Don't tell me you guys

are that old-fashioned

and insecure.

Yes, we are, harold.

Why don't you see dr. Harris?

I've got

nothing to hide.

So I heard.

(horns honking)

(quacking)

(red): Today, garth harble

has a deer inside his house.

I'll show you how to make

a brand-new golf cart

without spending 10 bucks,

and buzz sherwood has something

to protect your melon.

I'm inviting any doctor

watching the show

to come on up to possum lake.

The only doctors watching

this show are psychiatrists.

Says mr. Case study.

Want you to know

that you'll be replacing

our resident medical man,

dr. Finger.

Dr. Finger's the one that left?

He's a veterinarian.

Cured our cat of worms.

Well, so what, harold?

People treat pets

like members of the family.

Dr. Finger treated the family

like pets.

He's only qualified to treat

hairballs, fleas, and mange.

Call them by their right names:

Stinky peterson, moose

thompson, and old man sedgwick.

Bill's response

to losing our doctor

was to take this week

and show you how to barbecue

to eat more healthy foods.

See what's happening here?

I could tell bill

that he's doing things wrong

and that he hasn't noticed

the barbecue has left,

but there's no point.

I'll let bill see it through.

I'm sure he'll come

to the conclusion

that he is doing something

that is not totally correct.

Maybe an eye doctor

would be in order.

Uh-oh!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then maybe

some behaviour therapy.

Don't worry -- we'll be back

to finish 'er off.

Ranger gord,

harold has arranged it

so that we can play

the possum lodge

word-guessing game right here.

Yes!

I've played this game before.

I never received

the gifts I won last time.

Then you won't need today's

prize -- a shelving unit.

Ok, yeah.

I'll get the word.

Don't peek, now.

I gotta show the people.

Ok.

I've got 30 seconds

to get you to say that word.

Ready?

Prepared.

I haven't started yet.

Um... Isolated.

Hero.

No... Depressed.

Martyr.

Alone.

Um... 16 years.

Forest ranger.

Oh, groovy.

No, no, no, the sad part.

Lightning... Oh, yeah.

We're running out of time.

Um... You.

Oh!

Uh, handsome.

No.

Uh, trustworthy.

Uh, loyal.

Uh... Uh... Virgin!

What did you say?

Nothing.

I give up, I forget.

Hey, what's that?

What's this here?

♪ ohhh, fingers are handy,

you must understand ♪

♪ you can do more things

with your fingers ♪

♪ than you can count

on one hand ♪

♪ work with them,

point with them ♪

♪ pick with them, scratch ♪

♪ but if you give a big guy

the finger ♪

♪ you may not get it back ♪

with dr. Finger

finally washing his hands --

of his medical career --

I'm getting him

a retirement gift.

I'm thinking golf cart.

I could buy one of them

fancy riding ones,

but I'd have to forget

what I thought of dr. Finger

or I'd have to be rich

or an idiot or both.

Instead, I'll build

one of those golf carts

that you pull along.

I need some plastic piping

and various odds and ends,

and a kid's bike,

like this one.

First, I gotta

get the wheels off.

To do that, I'll run 'er

as fast as I can

into that brick wall.

Done.

Maybe I should cut back

on desserts.

You're gonna put these

on your golf cart.

Normal golf carts have

little wee wheels,

but they're only good

for the fairway.

How many of us are ever there?

Next, get yourself

a can of soup.

Oh!

Make that an empty can of soup.

Attach that

to one of the wheels

and just use one bolt.

Use one bolt

so the can stays level

as the wheel goes around.

You put water in there

and drop your ball in...

You have a continuous

ball washer.

Sounds like heaven to me.

Take your pieces

of plastic pipe, here,

and you want to cut these

into about 30-inch lengths.

You can measure, if you like.

I prefer to just eyeball.

We got plenty there.

You could cut that

with a fine-tooth hacksaw

or a carpet knife.

Like I say, I never

really liked dr. Finger.

You attach all those together,

using the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

All right, reach way down

into your bed

and you come up with...

A hot water bottle.

If you come up with something

else, change the sheets.

You cut this all the way around

and stretch 'er

over the end of the tubes.

Be careful -- working with

rubber can be tricky.

I haven't been slapped

that many times since the prom.

Here's how she works.

Get a club and stick them down

into these tubes

so the handle rests

against the rubber

of the hot water bottle.

When you want a club,

push down firmly...

And she pops up

into your hands.

Get yourself the rest

of the pipes

and your fishing reel

and you're ready to put

the unit together.

We got our clubs in there.

We got our ball washer.

I want to show you

another feature.

Get yourself

a heavy-duty fishing reel,

mount that on there,

and on the end of the line,

attach a rubber hose washer

out of your hose.

When you pull the club out,

first of all,

flip this hose washer

over the grip.

That way, if the shot

doesn't go exactly

the way you wanted it to

and you're slipping

into a blinding rage

and trying to throw the club

to the moon,

after you cool off,

all you gotta do is reel

the club back in...

Unless you nailed somebody,

in which case, I would say,

cut the line and keep walking.

Another feature I've got is

I've attached a bow saw

to the handle,

for when your ball

goes behind a tree.

You stand behind the tree

and rock your cart

back and forth

while you're making your club

selection, and you'll find

the problem will probably

take care of itself.

Another thing I got --

really great --

the handle is another piece

of plastic piping.

Goes down into an elbow

and out a pipe.

When you've lost your ball

or put it into the woods

or it's on another fairway

and you want

to keep that secret,

you kinda get close

and drop a ball down here

and... Oh!

There's my ball there.

There's your set of golf clubs.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I think I'll use a four iron.

Wonder why they call it

a four iron.

Fore!

(glass

breaking)

next, buzz sherwood,

who's always in the clouds,

but usually with his plane.

Getting a doctor here

is harder than we thought.

They say there's no demand.

We're too healthy.

People pretend they're healthy

to avoid seeing dr. Finger.

He keeps you overnight

in a cage on some newspaper.

We're not healthy here.

There's enough sickos here to

keep a m.A.S.H. Unit humming.

Flinty mcclintock has

that eye thing.

Stinky peterson -- you gotta

have something wrong with you

to have a nickname

like "stinky".

What about gimpy o'hara?

Typhoid larry.

Blotchy williams

and his blotches.

Lumpy mitchell and his lumps.

Scabby johnson and his johnson.

Hi, this is ranger gord,

standing on guard for you

23 hours a day.

(gunfire)

the other hour's my time!

My time!

No one in your family

has the nerve to tell you,

so I will.

I've seen you driving

through town,

turning without signalling,

driving too slow,

turning right

from the left-hand lane,

parking with your car

half up on the sidewalk.

Ok, here's what's happening.

You're starting to drive

like your dad.

(audience laughing)

there's nothing scarier

than a little man in a big car

peeking up over the dashboard

with a sour look on his face.

Some people say

that losing your driving skills

is just part of nature's way

of thinning the herd.

(laughing)

but I say, "give it up,"

and I say that,

knowing that you won't,

'cause the guys

I'm referring to

think I'm referring

to somebody else.

Here's a solution

you can live with.

At our age, we only go

to five different places.

Your work, your lodge,

your grocery store,

your gas station,

maybe your church.

Just memorize

those five routes.

You'll go down so far,

you'll put the turn signal on,

you'll turn here,

you'll stop here.

Do everything just by memory.

Try to keep up

to the speed limit.

They have it on big signs.

You get those five routes down

and don't go anywhere else

ever the rest of your life,

you'll stop being a menace.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

People always say safety is

number one and here's a fella

who's probably counting

backwards -- buzz sherwood.

It's gotta be safety first,

no matter what you're running

'cause you never know

when you'll total it.

I always recommend

get a good helmet.

That is a very unique unit.

I made it myself.

Kind of a paper.

It's like papier mache

that kids do,

and it fits and it works.

Here, look -- say this melon

is my head.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Except this is green

with no hair on it.

Yeah, yeah.

It's full of juice and seeds

and I don't have the seeds.

You know when these go ripe

and you get those flies

buzzing around

and they die on the soap

in the bathroom?

Yeah.

I get those.

So say this is my head and

say I'm out on my dune buggy.

I see, yeah.

I'm going across the country

and all of a sudden,

I wipe out!

Ahhhh! Look out!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

My gosh.

Quite a beating, huh?

Watch this -- look at that.

For gosh sakes!

This melon is ok.

Oh!

Isn't that great?

You want to try it?

Uh, no, but

I think harold would.

Oh, cool -- harold, come here.

Participate, harold --

that's the thing.

If you're loose,

you don't get hurt.

Sometimes I'm so loose

I could die.

(laughing)

ok, here we go.

Here comes the sherwood

papier mache helmet.

Brace yourself.

Oh! Oh!

(moaning)

harold, you ok?

I think he's people mache.

I gotta put more glue

and newspaper on that side,

right, harold?

Here's a handyman hint.

You have different screw heads.

You've got the slot head.

The star-shaped

or phillips screw head.

You have the square hole,

or as we call it in canada,

the robertson screw head.

Even have machine screws

that take an allen key.

For all these screw heads,

I recommend the flat head.

Remember, any tool

can be the right tool.

The medical crisis is over.

We got ourselves a doctor.

Aw, great -- who did you get?

The guy who answered the ad.

Check out the resume.

Got him from port asbestos.

Are we stealing

their doctor?

No, he wasn't practising

medicine in port asbestos.

He was a bartender.

He's got a medical degree.

Signed by

sally struthers.

Yeah, so?

He was eight years

at a tropical resort.

Ha! Club tanabanana.

I'm sure those resort doctors

treat a variety of illnesses.

Well, he was the lifeguard.

Look, he's got other degrees.

V.C.R. Repair,

furnace renovations...

What's that got to do

with anything?

He probably makes house calls.

(buzz): Harold!

Harold, you ok?

Harold, whoa!

I had no idea it would do that

after I lit it.

Man, you should have seen it.

It rocketed

right over your head.

You didn't see it,

but man, it went... It went...

It went to the other side

of the lake.

But you're ok, right?

Come on, man, talk to me.

How do you make your eyes

go like that?

Harold?

(red): All right, here it is.

Good old bill

and his barbecue special.

Got the wienies out.

That's them for sure.

He's gonna do some barbecuing.

Bill hasn't done barbecuing

for a while.

He puts the briquettes in

and he puts the starter on

and you can tell

when a fella hasn't barbecued

for a while, and he has

his own special-- what is that?

10w30, in case we have

a cold snap.

Throws that on there.

He's even got

the paraffin soap... Nitro...

The reason I knew

he hadn't barbecued for a while

is that this is actually

a propane barbecue.

Turn the gas on

and then there's...

There's some controls.

You got two burners --

you can control

either burner, anyway,

so bill, he's more of

a doer than a thinker --

boy, that propane's

got a-- what?

Uh-oh... Uh...

No, turn it off at the tank.

Just turn that, turn that...

Oh!

Um...

All right, uh...

No, no, bill -- sparks!

Ahhhhh!

(red): Oh.

Ohhh...

(red): Later that day,

bill and I are wondering

where the barbecue is.

Oh, there's the table.

And, uh...

There's wienies

as far as the eye can see.

Ooh! Ahhh...

Stuff's dropping

out of the sky.

What is that strange

bird-like thing dropping?

Oh, it's the barbecue lid.

Wow.

All right,

we got everything back.

Oh, boy.

Well, that's rare.

It's certainly

not well-done, anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Garth's gonna take a deer

out of his house.

Our new doctor

set up his practice.

He rented the old

mr. Tasty-freeze stand.

You know the big

mr. Tasty-freeze?

That fat man holding

the butterscotch sundae.

That sundae is now a bedpan.

He couldn't afford a new sign

so from now on,

we'll call him

dr. Tasty-freeze.

Dr. Tasty-freeze couldn't

afford medical equipment.

He sold it to pay

for bartending college.

He has to use the equipment

at the tasty-freeze.

One guy had a broken arm

and came out

with a banana splint.

I don't know,

harold.

Moose thompson says

dr. Tasty-freeze is great.

He's just faking it

for the ice cream.

I'm no doctor,

but I don't think

a peanut buster brownie parfait

is any cure for gout.

Do you want anybody operating

on you with plastic cutlery?

I like the idea

of going to somebody

named dr. Tasty-freeze.

You won't when you feel

how cold his finger is.

Garth harble here,

animal control,

showing you how to maintain

man's dominance

over the wild beasts.

Speaking of wild beasts...

Come on in here, red!

What have you got for us?

I'm going to show you

something special, red.

I'm going to take

this opportunity

to show you how to get a deer

out of your house.

(crashing and banging)

holy mackerel! Wow!

Well, don't worry, red.

It's not that hard to get

a deer out of your house.

It's a lot easier than, say,

getting a muskrat out.

Oh, oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All I need is a flashlight,

a bright flashlight.

Sort of like a headlight.

Sure, the way a deer--

whoa, whoa!

The way a deer will freeze

in the headlights.

Exactly!

(crashing and banging)

all right, deer, where are you?

Oh, great!

Drinking out of my aquarium!

Freeze!

Gotcha!

Hello, deer!

I'm home!

All right.

(deer panting)

easy, now, easy.

Get out there.

Ah... Whoa!

Careful, careful, careful.

Don't do that.

Holy mackerel.

All right.

Wow, that's good work.

All I do is take him back out

into the woods and, uh...

Keep a step back so I don't get

kicked by his hooves,

and then I turn off

the flashlight.

For gosh sakes --

boy, that works great.

It sure does.

Might even work

on you, red.

Really?

(kicking)

oh! Ow!

Ohhh...

That was a scar!

Oh!

Eee! Oh!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Get up -- run!

Oh, another

super day!

Welcome to the expert portion.

This week, we have two experts:

My uncle red

and his best friend,

mr. Dalton humphrey.

(applause and cheering)

(whistling)

here's the letter here.

It goes as follows:

"dear experts..."

"what is an appropriate

"wedding gift when it's

the third time for the groom

"and the fourth for the bride?"

well, how about one of them

do-it-yourself divorce kits?

Got the little sign

on there --

"some disassembly required".

(laughing)

no, red, when

a wedding

is the nth time around,

like this one is,

you want to get something

that will capture the feelings

of the bride and groom.

All right.

I would suggest something used.

(audience laughing)

or as we say

in the antique business,

"previously enjoyed".

(audience laughing)

when a couple's

been married a lot,

they've got

all the wedding gifts.

What are you gonna do

with a dozen toasters?

I guess you could heat

your house.

What settings

are you gonna put them on?

Well, if it's night,

you set it for "dark".

(laughing and applause)

you know...

Y-y-you know,

a couple that's

been married before

may not be so hard to shop for,

especially if

they've been wiped out

in a previously messy divorce.

Great to buy for somebody

who's had a terrible

personal tragedy like that.

Yeah!

Anything --

they'll take anything!

Yeah!

(red): Yeah, I love that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sad, though -- it's sad.

(laughing)

god, it's a shame.

(laughing)

I've got--

you guys are awful.

You're so cynical.

You make marriage sound so

cheap and cold and used and--

no, no, no,

not "used", harold.

"previously enjoyed."

"previously enjoyed."

(laughing and applause)

garth harble here,

animal control.

You know, contrary

to popular folklore,

bats will not suck the blood

out of your body.

That's your boss's job.

(laughing)

our medical crisis is over.

Dr. Tasty-freeze

was a huge success.

When he started using

a thermometer

with a maraschino cherry

on top,

everybody said,

"no, I'm feeling fine."

I think

dr. Tasty-freeze

is going back to bartending.

For my hernia check-up,

he asked if I wanted it

with a twist.

Well, doesn't matter, anyway.

Junior singleton found a doctor

over in port sandbar.

Dr. Tuna or dr. Twofun

or something...

Dr. Tune-up?

Dr. Tune-up, yeah.

That's not a doctor's office.

That's a garage for cars.

All's I know is he got his

plugs, points, and fluids done

for $19.95, and

they fixed his car.

(possum squeal)

meeting time,

uncle red.

I'll be down in a minute.

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming home

after the meeting.

I'm feeling great

for a man of my age.

I'm curious about how you feel

for a woman your age.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(possum squeal)

all rise, all rise.

The president's

in the room now.

Closed captions

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Boy, this is too much!