Homemade Cheese/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Big week at the lodge.

Junior singleton's been away.

When he came home,

the milk in his fridge

had turned lumpy and fuzzy.

It looked like little eggplants

drowned in yoghurt.

Milk shouldn't go bad

that fast

as long as the fridge

is turned on.

It was turned on --

it wasn't plugged in.

I don't think junior

understands electricity.

Uncle red,

didn't he wire the lodge?

Yup -- it's fine unless

you plug anything in.

Rather than throw

the milk away,

which would be

a waste of money,

junior has decided

to make his own cheese.

So if you're looking for

a show with cheese,

you've come to the right place.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): Bill gives my van

a milk bath.

Winston brings

something special

to the show-and-tell

department.

Then harold -- uh, I think

he has a mouse up his leg.

I've got some termite damage

in the barn.

(audience laughing)

I'm ready for anything now,

harold.

Junior's

homemade cheese

getting a little ripe, is it?

The cheese

has attracted an animal.

Now it's living inside

the walls of junior's house.

Probably just a mouse.

That's what I think.

But, I better take this --

there might be two of them.

You're afraid of a mouse,

a little, wee, tiny mouse.

It's not like it's

a mountain lion or anything.

I'd prefer a mountain lion.

Bigger is better --

the size of the animal

is inversely proportional

to the amount of fear.

Guys that will stare down

a bear,

go nuts when they see

a three-inch spider.

I wonder why? --

Oh, I know!

I betcha I know why!

A bear can't crawl into your

underwear when you're sleeping.

(laughing and applause)

oh yeah? --

Tell that to moose thompson.

Oh yeah!

That was

funny.

That was a big fella.

You're dressed like

the terminator

to take on a mouse? --

How big is it?

Or should I say

how little is it?

It's about the same size

at that one on your pant leg.

Get it off!

Get it off!

Get it off!

(red): With junior making

the homemade cheese,

bill thought he'd show you

how to make cheese,

kind of an educational segment

on the show this week.

"step one: Pure milk."

start with pure milk.

And, to a lot of the kids

at home, maybe,

or some of the older kids --

no, you got that...

Ok, start again.

A lot of educational shows

show you

when things go perfectly.

That's not the way life goes.

A lot of times

things go badly,

it's good to see

when you meet an obstacle...

Would you just...

All right, that would be

going in that pail,

would it not?

Hmm.

Uh, so the idea is

you get the milk into the pail.

Always have extra bags.

You can use heat.

Bill, no, no, no.

You're gonna scald the milk.

This is good though.

Trial and error

is a big part of educ--

what's going on?

All right,

now those are open.

Now what?

Ok, plan "b".

This is still pure milk.

These are the cartons.

That's a good point.

The plastic, for some kids,

maybe they're a bit

hard to open.

These have got the pour spout

unit on there.

We may not have time

to actually make the cheese

during this segment.

We'll come back later

and make the cheese.

You get the milk in there.

We'll come back -- oh.

Your wife's relatives

are coming over at 9:30.

You'd like it to be

a short visit -- no problem.

Yak with them

from 9:30 to 9:45.

At 9:45 you stop talking,

they get bored, they go home.

10:00, try and get the wife

to do the same thing.

10:15, get them to do

the same thing.

10:30, you start turning

the lights out.

Maybe try yawning real loud

and fall down on the floor.

10:45, sneak out

to the driveway

and start their car.

11:00, you put on your pyjamas

and yell "good night"

from upstairs.

Don't feel guilty.

We all need more sleep

as we get older.

They're relatives.

They'll forgive you eventually.

You don't owe anybody.

Darn right --

no sense staying up late

just because of some stupid

new-year's-eve tradition.

(applause)

♪ of all the things

that matter in life ♪

♪ nothing's as important

as friends ♪

♪ pals that

you can lean on ♪

♪ at the beginning,

middle and end ♪

♪ I share my problems

with my friends ♪

♪ 'cause that's

what friends are for ♪

♪ now I owe them

so much money ♪

♪ they tend not to

come around any more ♪

what?!

Nothing, harold.

Nobody likes unwanted pests

invading their house.

That's why there are so few

family reunions.

I'm talking about

the four-legged kind,

mice, raccoons, bears.

I thought I'd use

"handyman corner"

to detect whether or not

you have an animal problem.

Everybody's house is different.

Your living room might have

a completely different decor.

But it doesn't matter.

The signs of animal

and insect infestation

are pretty much the same.

Take this beam.

We've got some termite damage.

If we let this go,

this could become a write-off.

The first thing we want to do,

we've got to

kill the termites.

(coughing)

(coughing)

not only killed the termites,

probably took a healthy bite

out of the ozone.

Take a couple of boards.

Strap them up

on either side of the beam.

This way you restore

its original strength.

(creaking)

that was my fault.

I should have duct-taped that.

Doesn't matter though.

We've got lots of other beams

holding the building up.

But somebody should

keep an eye on that.

Could be dangerous --

no, it's fine.

You may have some rooms

you hardly ever use,

like a fitness room,

a guest room or a library.

Check them once in a while.

Could have

some unwanted visitors.

You know what

you're looking for, eh?

Droppings.

I hate to say "droppings"

on television, but,

it's better than

the other terms.

If you're looking for

mouse droppings,

they're like

those tart-topping things.

Rabbit droppings are more like

the chocolate-covered raisin.

Raccoon droppings,

that's a bigger candy bar yet.

If you find enough droppings,

it will cure your sweet tooth.

Oh my gosh.

All right.

Uh...

Quite a quantity of her there.

It looks like we've had

a herd of shetland ponies

up in this area.

Anyway, if you do find

droppings in your house,

that's a pretty good sign

that they're

sneaking in somewhere.

You must have some hole

somewhere.

If I didn't know better,

I'd say we had

a wall missing here.

Check the outside of your home

for holes

animals could be getting in.

This mortar has fallen away

from these stones.

That hole's big enough

for a mouse or bat,

even a raccoon

if they're moving fast enough,

like they bounced off

the fender of

a speeding vehicle.

Some of this is surface wear.

Doesn't go through.

Find out if the hole

goes through.

Get a bit of water.

Pour that in there.

If you get water

showing up in your basement

that wasn't there

before you did the test,

well, then you've got

a problem.

Check your whole house

for any kind of crack,

even the smallest hole

where animals could get in.

Do that until

you run out of water

or you get bored

out of your mind.

If you've got animals,

you're better to deal

with them right away

than to let her go

to the point where

they start fighting you

for use of the bathroom.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Of course, a fire is a good way

of getting rid of mice.

I'd only use that

as a last resort.

And you want to wait

till the water dries.

(whistling nonchalantly)

stay tuned for more advice

from dalton and I.

Soon you'll find yourself

going on and on

about every topic

under the sun.

You're going to wonder

"why am I suddenly

'the encyclopedia britannica'

"in shorts and a t-shirt?

"and why this overwhelming urge

to tell anyone with ears?"

well, you're

a middle-aged man now,

and middle-aged men

know everything.

Oh yeah.

Middle-aged men know

the best route on any highway

from anyplace to another place.

We know how to fix stuff.

We know how to cut the lawn

properly.

We know everything.

But you've got to keep

this knowledge to yourself.

I know that you know

your neighbour's planting

that shrub the wrong way.

I, too, have seen my wife

wallpaper the bedroom

the hard way.

Keep your mouth shut.

When they find out how smart

we are, they get jealous.

I don't know who said

"a little knowledge

is a dangerous thing."

I'm guessing it was

a middle-aged man.

Whatever you know,

and I know it's a lot,

keep it under your hat

and you'll keep your friends.

Believe me -- I know.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(applause and cheering)

welcome to "the experts"

portion of the show.

This week we have

two experts,

my uncle red,

and mr. Winston rothschild.

(applause and cheering)

the letter goes: "dear experts,

"my wife says

she wants a face-lift,

"but I think she looks

just great the way she is.

"how can I convince her

she's beautiful?"

first, you want to

is avoid certain words.

"saggy," "wrinkled,"

"weather-beaten".

(laughing)

talk about how cosmetic surgery

is a waste of

medical resources.

This is money doctors

should be spending on

things like liver transplants,

'cause as long as you can keep

socking back the booze,

you won't care

what your wife looks like.

(laughing)

well, you know what

self-help guru and

king of the infomercials,

anthony anthony, says.

He says whatever

people want to hear.

Anthony says

if you look after the surface,

the centre

will look after itself.

Yeah, anthony anthony

has always said you only feel

as good as you look.

If that was true,

the guys at the lodge

would be all dead.

I think you'll have to

come to grips with the fact

that people judge you

by your appearance.

Take me --

if it weren't for

my great looks,

would I be who I am today?

The king of the septics?

Exactly!

Hit the nail right on the head.

You wouldn't believe

what these people can do.

They've got that thing,

uh, hipposuction.

(laughing)

I mean,

they can even give you

a fanny transplant.

Work the problem from both ends.

I've had the face-lift,

the tummy tuck,

the tushy implants.

Tushy implants?

Oh yeah, check this out.

Go ahead, red,

feel the quality.

Thanks anyway, winston.

I'm sure you've got

the best seat in the house.

(laughing)

harold?

Oh,

oh-ho-ho.

All right, no problem.

Suit yourselves.

I disagree with

cosmetic surgery.

People realize

that beauty is only skin deep.

You honestly believe that,

harold?

He's counting on it.

(applause)

oh, man.

I'll tell you,

that was a life experience.

I hope you

didn't kill that mouse.

We sure

did.

Aw, that poor thing with

little eyes and nose

and little ears

and the curly tail?

No -- sorry, harold,

I thought you said "house."

(laughing)

I guess we were nervous.

Nobody wanted to go inside.

We thought

we'd scare the mouse out

by throwing shovels

and garbage cans

against the side of the place.

That didn't work.

Then we thought we'd peel

the siding off

and flush him out that way.

Junior doesn't have siding.

You should have mentioned that

a little earlier.

We had the front exposed.

Stinky peterson pointed out

we were at the wrong house.

(laughing)

we were at

old lady benkman's place.

I don't care if she did

have a migraine.

There's no excuse for

that kind of language.

(laughing and applause)

(red): All right, we're back

making cheese with bill.

We're ready for step 2 of,

I think there's 4.

There's more than two, anyway.

So now he's set to put

the vinegar --

the sign said "ed rennet" --

you read it.

He put exactly one cup

of vinegar --

he's got the milk

already in the pail.

Apparently when you add

the one cup of vinegar

to the two quarts,

or four quarts -- I forget.

That is the right kind of

chemical proportion

that gives you

exactly the mix

that will eventually

turn into cheese.

(hissing and boiling)

there's probably a cup

in there.

You can hear

the chemical reaction.

Boy, that smelled real special.

He pulls it out

and it's formed kind of --

these are the curds.

They look like curds,

dot they?

What we got to do

with that is...

Basically you have

cheese-type things.

You have to, ok,

"drain excess liquid (whey)"

why? -- Well, because

you need that out of there.

So, bill has this nightie

in his pocket for some reason.

He spreads that out

on the table.

And, uh, then we put

the "why" in there

on the where,

and when would be now, and now

he ties that in a knot.

The cheese portions are solid,

but the uncheese --

the non-cheese areas

are liquid.

So you've got to get

the non-cheese particles,

anything that's not cheese

you want out of there

so that you're left with

just the cheese.

But there's quite a bit in this

that's not cheese still.

There is a fair bit of cheese.

It's the non-cheese area

that we're working on.

Bill's using the boards.

That's a cheese board,

I guess you'd call that.

Bill has an idea,

which is a sign of

"danger is approaching

"so step back."

ah, this is the bobcat

cheese-squashing technique.

And, uh, he's getting

the liquid out of the cheese.

Stay tuned.

We'll eventually finish this.

Man.

Stay tuned for harold making

another fashion statement.

There's one thing that mice do

that no other animal can do.

That is make other mice.

Boy, are they good at it.

Seems like every hour

there's another 100 mice

scurrying around

junior's place.

Harold went over

to see what he could do.

Probably try and reason

with the mice.

(panting)

how did go?

Good, fine, fine, good.

There's a lot of mice

over there, uncle red!

They have a boring life --

they eat and sleep.

They procreate

just to pass the time.

That must be quite a life, eh?

Oh,

for...

(laughing)

(red): Meanwhile,

back at the cheese project,

we're still trying to squeeze

all the last bits

of non-cheese --

I pronounced that as "why,"

but it's "whey."

and what you want is cheese

with no whey.

It looks like no way to me.

We're trying everything.

This is kind of a lesson

for you kids

that making cheese

is kind of like life.

The longer you work at it,

the riper it gets.

We're going to introduce

the centrifugal -- wait a sec.

Bill, I'd rather be the --

excuse me -- thank you.

I would rather be the spinner

than the spinee.

I like to be in

the centre of my universe,

particularly when

there's cheese involved.

Bill is more of a spectator.

Look out, bill.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Anyway, we got all the water

out of the cheese.

Look at that.

That's pure cheese.

That's head cheese.

Oh, don't eat that.

You'll spoil your dinner.

Ooo.

It's "male call".

That's loud.

Ok.

The first letter on

"male call" goes as follows.

It's a letter from beb

in now jorsoy.

What?

I think that's supposed to be

bob in new jersey.

Bob's typewriter is doing

an "o" and "e" backwards.

Ha.

Ok, uh... "dear rod,

"my typowritor

is werking preporly.

"tho 'o' and 'e' aro rovorsod."

I think he means

the "o" and "e"

are reversed.

"I roally liko

"'tho rod groon shew'.

"it's lets ef fun

fer ovoryeno."

ovoryeno?

Everyone, everyone.

"o" and "e" are reversod --

reversed.

They're reversed.

(laughing)

"my wifo, elivo..."

oh, that's his wife, olive.

"my wifo, elivo, and I onjey

all tho crazy hijinks

"and geefy jekos."

(laughing)

"and I must say

that funny nutbar bill

"cracks up

my nino-yoar-eld sen, stovo,

"with his zany antics

and feelish plets.

"anyway, koop up the geed werk.

"wo think it's the bost now

"t.V. Pregrammo

since 'baywatch'".

(laughing)

"and much bottor than

watching sperts."

"basically,

"it's a teur do ferco."

teur do ferco?

Tour de force.

Excellent.

I mean "oxcollont."

(laughing)

"leng livo

'tho rod groon shew'.

"bost wishos, beb and elivo."

well, beb and elivo,

thanks for writing.

Koop watching.

Wo levo yeur cards and lottors

and koop yeur stick

en tho ico.

What's

that?

Keep your stick on the ice.

Oh, cool.

I mean,

ceel.

The mice are gone?

Yeah, it's safe, harold.

Ah, good.

I got to give junior credit.

Throughout the mouse problem,

he worked on

perfecting his cheese,

adjusting the flavour,

lowering the flashpoint.

(laughing)

the more

he worked on the cheese,

the less the mice

became interested in it.

Maybe it wasn't cheese

any more.

Only two things smell that bad.

We decided to

keep calling it cheese.

(laughing)

junior noticed the mice weren't

coming into the kitchen,

so he spread the cheese

around other rooms,

and drove the mice out.

He threw it on the porch.

It was carried off

by buzzards.

That's an excellent solution.

No -- he's been charged

with buzzard abuse.

(squealing)

meeting time, uncle red.

Go ahead, harold.

If my wife is watching,

this reminds me that

a marriage

is like a quality cheese.

The older it gets,

the sharper it is

as long as you keep

the fridge plugged in.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself, harold,

and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and whistling)

(possum squeal)

(harold): Ok, he's here,

he's here.

Stand up, stand up.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down, guys.

(harold): The possum lodge

road crew is putting up signs.

They said they don't mind

you shooting at them.

Just wait till they're

back in the truck.

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Boy, this is too much!