The New Lease/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Here's the man with a firm

grasp on the boat and dock --

that great cast-off,

my uncle, your hero, red green!

(applause and cheering)

appreciate it.

Thank you, harold.

You're the man!

Thank you very much.

I was hoping to get

into a new project.

I got some government paperwork

that I gotta clear up.

About your missing

birth certificate?

They found

the dead sea scrolls.

(audience laughing)

no, harold, come off it.

The lodge is on leased land.

We've had the lease

for 99 years, but she's up.

They're gonna raise

our rent 500%.

500%?!

Yes, sir.

That's ridiculous!

They can't

do that!

They did it.

They got us up to five bucks.

Five bucks

for 100 years?

Don't I wish!

It's five bucks for 99 years.

It was gonna be

three bucks, but

old man sedgwick talked to them

and now it's five.

Well, really,

five bucks

isn't too bad.

Do you have

your wallet

on you?

No, no, no!

No, no, no, not my money --

your money.

You want to raise it, then

you can return your empties.

That's a great idea.

We weren't drinking --

we were investing.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

Harold, you can rest easy.

Cleared the empties

out of the storage shed.

We covered the five bucks.

Even had money

left over.

How much left over?

783 bucks.

Wow.

That's a lot.

You should see

how much room

we got in that storage shed.

We should use that

to store stuff.

Did you read

this entire letter?

That's a government letter --

you don't read those.

You look at the box

says how much money you owe.

It says, in the middle, that

you gotta make a presentation.

What?!

You gotta

make a speech

to a committee

and convince them

that the lease

should be renewed.

Then the committee decides

which organization will get it.

Harold, who's competing

with us on this?

Everybody!

The rotarians,

the possum lake canoe club,

the vintage car club,

the girl scouts...

There's even a motorcycle club,

satan's second choice.

They can't

do this!

This is

our spot!

You said you like competition.

This is just competition.

I only like competition

when I win!

(audience laughing)

(red): Later on,

in "adventures with bill",

gonna do some water-skiing.

Getting ready

and starting up...

That motor does not--

it's got the old hand-pull.

I didn't realize the ski rope

was across

the puller, and

bill set the handle down

and apparently hooked it

onto a rock

and, wouldn't you know it,

there goes the motor!

Unfortunately, the ski rope

started winding around

and started pulling me

a little--

yeah, mm-hmm, yeah, yeah.

All righty.

So, uh, we'll think

of something else.

Ohhh! Ohhh!

We'll get a plan "b"-- ohhh!

And we'll get right on that.

Mmm!

♪ ohhh, she was a cedar-strip

cruising yacht ♪

♪ the nicest boat

I ever bought ♪

♪ not concerned with

how my heart would break ♪

♪ she's gone

but not forgotten ♪

♪ she was a good boat

but totally rotten ♪

♪ my love is deep ♪

♪ unfortunately,

so is the lake ♪

this is for the big one!

The grand prize of a set

of miniature lawn darts

from wang fu's

acupuncture centre.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to make mr. Buzz sherwood

say this word.

Buzz.

Oh!

The word is...

Ha-ha! Wa-hahhh...

(audience laughing)

ahhhh... Nudist!

(giggling)

all right, buzz.

Someone

who is naked

is...

... Fun!

No, no, no.

If a woman doesn't believe

in wearing clothes,

you would call her a...

... A lot!

(audience laughing)

ok, no, no.

This is the name of someone

who doesn't wear clothes.

Oh, susan.

No, no, more than one person.

The murphy sisters?

I'm looking for

a generic word, here.

A man or woman

who doesn't wear clothes.

Oh, like that

donald guy!

What's he got,

anyway?

We're almost out of time.

These people go around

in the buff.

Nuns!

I think that's time --

we're out of time.

Thanks for playing.

Nuns go around in the buff?

Oh, I thought you said "bus"!

(audience laughing)

this week on "handyman corner",

we'll do a project

that shows you

how to make do

with what you have.

I have a leaky roof.

Many people

would try and fix that.

That's because they think

the roof will hold

their weight.

I know better.

Instead, I'm gonna make

home-made beer.

Then I won't care

if it's raining.

Water is the big ingredient

when you're making beer,

especially if you're making

american beer.

So... With the water coming

down through the roof,

it really adds to the flavour

of the beer

and it helps me give it a name.

She's comin' off a big cedar log

so I'll call my beer

"big cedar lager...

"the woodsman's beer

that makes you cut and split."

thirsty yet?

(thunder)

the next thing you need is

something they call

"bittering hops".

I have no idea what that is,

so I asked the guys

at the lodge

and after five hours,

it became clear

they had no idea, either,

which is amazing,

considering their familiarity

with the final product.

I decided to break her down.

You got bittering

and you got hops.

I figure... "bittering"

has got to be for your lemons

and "hops" has gotta be

rabbit food.

It doesn't affect

the alcohol content

so it doesn't really matter.

Fire that in there

and put your washing machine

on to the "pre-wash",

let the bittering hops work

for a while.

Wondered where that shirt went.

All right,

once that cycle's done,

you want to add malt extract.

You're probably guessing

this here is a chocolate malt.

(sniffing)

and earlier this year,

it probably was.

All right, put that in there.

Then you start 'er up

on whatever cycle

suits the beer you're making.

For english beer,

set 'er on "permanent press".

For the light beer,

maybe go "delicate".

For a beer that doesn't

make you go to the bathroom,

set 'er on "rinse and hold".

All right, I'm supposed to add

something called

"finishing hops".

Again, I have no idea

what that is

so they must just mean

the rest of the rabbit food.

Don't forget.

I'm making do with what I have,

plus I don't care.

All right, when that's done,

I'm gonna filter the beer.

I gotta store it

somewhere cold for two weeks.

This is now my beer fridge.

I got my pipes running in

through the fridge

where I'm gonna store the beer.

I got 'em coming out

to my beer tap

for dispensing the beer.

I've used the main chamber

of the fridge

but you could run the pipes

through the freezer

if you were making an ice beer.

Now we come to the most

important ingredient

whenever you're making beer,

and that is your yeast.

Whatever you do,

don't try to make do.

Don't try to use baking soda

or dish detergent.

The yeast is

what makes it beer.

That's what gives you your

colour, clarity, your flavour,

and most importantly,

your alcoholic content.

(audience laughing)

there we go.

You want to immediately

pump the beer

into your storage vat, which,

in this case, is the fridge.

Now I need something

to make do as a filter.

Oh!

There, this piece

of shirt will work

absolutely fine.

Now what we want to do is

take the drain-pump

from the washing machine

and just pump 'er

right through.

You know, this is

actually called "wart"

and this is called

"transferring the wart".

I was gonna call it

"removing the wart"

but I thought it would make

the beer hard to drink.

She's leaking a little.

We've waited the two weeks...

Or close enough.

Felt like two weeks.

I'm guessing the beer

is ready for tasting.

The beauty is,

we've made our micro-brewery

right in our own home.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

After a couple of beers, they

might even find you handsome.

The beauty is,

we didn't buy anything.

We just made do.

(spitting)

or maybe we made doo-doo.

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

Want to talk to you guys

about those 4:00-in-the-morning

can't-sleep thoughts

that wander into your head.

You know those thoughts.

Scary thoughts.

Thoughts about how perfect

life used to be...

Before you were married...

Before you were employed...

Before you were in hock

up to your eyeballs...

Back in the days

when your belt was shorter

than your in-seam...

When going to the bathroom

once before bedtime

would do 'er.

You're lying there,

dreaming about starting over,

getting in shape,

changing your job,

buying a new car,

and moving somewhere

where people will think

you're dangerous.

I know -- at 4:00 a.M.

It's easy to imagine

that you're antonio banderas.

That's because

you can't see the mirror.

Look at it this way.

Your stomach's full,

you're warm, you're lying down.

Why would you give that up to

roll over and tell the missus

that you're leaving to go out

and start a garage band?

Don't do it --

just count your blessings.

You got most of your health,

some of your mortgage paid off,

and the semi-respect

of some of your friends.

That's going to look good

in the morning,

even if you don't.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(applause)

well, everything

is totally under control.

In a few hours,

I'm gonna have that committee

eating out of my hand.

Your speech

will impress them?

Not so much the speech.

It's slamming the competition,

is what it's doing...

Especially those girl guides

with that cookie scam.

No, no, uncle red,

rules forbid presenters

from criticizing

other contenders.

What are we supposed to do?

Bribe somebody or something?

No, no, no, no, no!

You gotta make the speech

as to all the good things

about possum lodge.

We have good things here?

Yeah, we got

lots of good things.

We got, um...

Uh...

No, that was in "baywatch".

(audience laughing)

I know one.

Remember that radioactive scare

we had?

Those readings were

well within acceptable levels.

That's it! That's what we do!

We'll do what politicians do.

I can't -- I got a conscience

and a bad back.

(audience laughing)

what we do... This is so good,

you're gonna love it.

(siren)

come on,

come on!

Come on,

come on!

Come on,

come on!

Possum 911 --

what's your problem?

Uh, red, it's dalton humphrey.

Can't help you there --

any other problems?

(laughing)

I'm just not quite sure.

Uh, family's out of town and...

I just don't feel so good.

What is it? The ticker?

You got pressure, shooting

pains, slurred speech?

Do you smell burned toast?

No, I'm strong as a horse

but, you know...

I think I miss my family.

Oh, boy,

dalton.

Yeah, weird, huh?

I couldn't wait

for them to leave

and now, I mean...

Well, I'm embarrassed

to bring it up

but I feel bad, red.

They've only been gone

a day or two and I...

I guess it's been four days.

What is the date today?

The 14th.

Ok, they've been gone

two weeks, but, uh...

I think I might be

a little bit lonely.

Ok, ok, take it easy, dalton.

We've seen this before.

Just relax -- I'm gonna put

harold on the line.

Tell dalton

what happened last night.

Ok, last night,

I was watching t.V.

I spilled pop

all over the couch.

I was eating potato chips

at the same time.

This syrup got

all over the couch.

The chip crumbs got stuck

in there, too.

For crying out loud, harold!

How many times have I told you,

no pop on the couch!

If you're eating chips,

clean up after yourself!

You know what it costs

to have a couch cleaned?

That help,

dalton?

Perfect, red --

that's just the fix I needed.

(audience laughing)

(red): Here we are

with plan "b" on water-skiing.

Yeah, all right, bill --

so he's, uh...

He's pointing away

from the water.

I got the rope hooked

around the old possum van.

You know, they say that mother

is the invention of...

Uh... There's an expression

of some kind there --

away we go.

Wow, look at that, eh?

Don't you kids try this.

You could hardly get the van

into your home.

Look -- isn't that great?

Cypress gardens,

including the gardens.

You don't see that every day.

Look at him, ripping along.

I thought he might slalom

but bill's such a chicken.

Where I made the mistake

was looking back all the time

and then-- ohhh! By golly!

(laughing)

now there's nobody driving

the van, bill!

You got no driver!

You might want to just...

You might want to stop.

All right, good, good.

I would work on the braking...

The braking aspect.

Want to go again, little boy?

Only this time,

there's a door charge.

Oh, you're fine.

Yeah!

You gotta return those skis.

A viewer sent

red green work socks,

as if you'd see "red green" and

"work" in the same sentence.

I've been working

on my presentation.

That committee's

gonna be impressed.

Look at this -- the future site

of the possum lodge

waterfront area, huh?

How many cookies will those

girl scouts have to sell

to build this baby?

(laughing)

uncle red, it's a travel poster

of the caribbean.

Check the fine print.

Look -- read that --

what does that say?

"artist's

conception".

(laughing)

I love a loop-hole!

I took your advice.

Look at this speech -- I put

a positive spin on everything.

I started

with an environmental issue.

"metal recovery programme" --

what's that?

Every spring, we pull our

snowmobiles out of the lake.

If you check there, I ended

by pointing out that we're

preserving a heritage site.

You've never fixed anything

here in your life!

We're keeping this place in its

original historic condition.

(laughing)

what? What are you doing?

What?

Ohhh... Ohhh...

Revisionist.

(audience laughing)

come on, come on, come on!

Come on, come on.

Just once,

you ought to use your brain

before you use your mouth.

She's got that beautiful,

romantic evening planned.

The candlelight, wine,

the kids off at sleep-overs.

Just as she's hammering away

on the ketchup bottle,

she asks --

you know, whimsically...

"what was the happiest day

of your life?"

and you blurt out, "the day

"the toronto maple leafs

traded for dougie gilmour."

(audience laughing)

nice work -- real smooth.

Yeah, yeah, good.

No wonder

she's in the bathroom,

bawling her eyes out.

She won't be coming out.

Can you blame her?

What you gotta do is tell her

what you meant was

that your life was

on a losing streak

until she came to you.

Yes! "just like dougie

coming to the leafs, you're...

"you're the captain

of my heart."

wow, eh?

"you gave me my goals...

"even banked a few

off the post."

(audience laughing)

"just like dougie, you're

the centre who made it work."

yeah, you love her moves.

And you'd like to

give her body a check!

Or, uh... Or love her

end to end.

I think the hockey thing

can go a little too far.

You don't want

to start mentioning

that dougie has

no front teeth, for example.

I'd also stay away

from the term "face-off".

But eventually, she'll come out

and recognize you

for the romantic lug

that you are.

And then, you know

what's happening.

A little one-on-one!

Sudden death overtime.

Hold it -- hockey stops

when you hit the bedroom door.

The leafs haven't gone

all the way since '67!

(laughing and applause)

welcome to the expert portion,

where we examine

those three words

that men find so hard to say.

(audience):

"I don't know!"

ha-ha! Excellent! Ok.

This week, joining my uncle red

is his very best friend

in the whole wide room,

ferryboat captain

mr. Hap shaughnessy!

(applause and cheering)

ok, all righty.

Ok, our viewer writes...

"dear experts" -- wahhh --

"my husband says that

"everything on television

is a load of crap.

"I prefer to say

'a load of bad stuff'.

"do you think television is

a load of bad stuff?"

I do -- it's all crap,

as far as I'm concerned.

Well, everything

except this show.

Right, uncle red?

Not this show.

All right, if you say so.

Ohhhh... How about you,

mr. Shaughnessy?

Do you think

television's

a load of bad stuff?

Yeah... Yes, I do, harold.

Yeah, it's

all crap.

(audience laughing)

it could have been so great --

that's what hurts.

I'm almost sorry I invented it.

Invented what, hap?

Crap?

(audience laughing)

no!

Television.

I was gonna call it

"hap-evision"

but I changed me mind

when I saw so many

of those early pilots

and the way they turned out.

Everyone was saying,

"who invented television?"

and I said,

"I'll never tell."

they started calling it

"never tell-evision",

then they called it

"television"

and the rest is history.

(audience laughing)

history in the making, I'd say.

So I washed my hands

of the whole thing,

outside of a brief stint when

I took over "the tonight show"

from jack paar.

I couldn't stand

that hollywood scene.

It was so phony.

Tough for you to stand out

in that crowd.

(laughing)

(singing)

yeah.

(laughing)

we got it -- the lease is ours.

Excellent work all the way --

we were so cool.

It helped that almost all

the other competitors withdrew.

Never understood

why that happened.

They drove by

and changed their minds.

A lot of them needed

the buildings

to be safe or insurable, so...

You could fix

this place up.

That's a pretty expensive

proposition!

Consultants said

it's cheaper to blow it up

and live in the hole.

The main thing is,

we only had one competitor.

That was leech lodge

from up near port asbestos.

They actually got the ok

from the committee

before we did --

that was scary for a while!

They had to ask for time

to come up with the five bucks.

(laughing)

yes, they did --

it was very odd

that at that particular moment,

their treasurer

lost his wallet.

The main thing is,

we got the lease

and we're back in business.

You stole that man's wallet.

No, I did not, sir.

Yes, you stole

their rent money, uncle red.

I borrowed the wallet

for the hearing,

gave it to them afterwards.

Anybody who leaves their wallet

lying around...

It was in his pocket!

It was a really baggy pocket.

(possum squeal)

meeting time, uncle red.

I'll be down in a minute.

We got the lease, harold!

Whooo!

By golly!

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home

after the meeting.

I'm thinking,

they say time is money.

If 99 years is five bucks,

then my life so far

adds up to $2.39...

And I hope you'll agree

that I'm worth it.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(harold): Oh, ok, all righty!

Stand up, stand up!

All rise!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down.

Buster hadfield wanted me

to announce that

that animal you saw

at his place is not a camel.

It's just a donkey

with two bad mosquito bites.

Ow!

Meeting's adjourned.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!