Rites of Passage/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, a lot of

the high-end cars

have a navigational system

built right into the dash.

I guess men find it easier

to ask their car for directions

than a total stranger.

But the problem with high-

tech is the high price.

So I'm going low-tech

and low-brow.

See, at my age, I'm not

interested in going anywhere

I've never been before.

So on my last few trips,

I took along this

cassette recorder

and recorded the

directions myself.

Now all I do is pop in

the tape of wherever

I want to go

and presto,

instant directions.

And technically, it's

not asking for help

'cause it's still me.

Like right now, I've got

to go to the post office

so all I've got to do

is get out the post

office cassette.

Beer store,

other beer store,

other other beer --

here we are... Post office.

[ engine revs ]

recorded voice:

Okay, I get to the end of

the driveway and hang a left.

And now I'm coming up

to a red mailbox.

Oh, wait, no, that was

the road back there.

I'd better pull a u-ey.

[ tires squealing ]

okay, watch out

for that road sign.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ cheering and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate it.

A bit of a setback up

at the lodge this week.

Junior singleton tried out

his one-man water

skiing invention

where he skis behind

an unmanned boat

with the rope tied to the

throttle of the outboard motor.

But you know, no matter

how clever an idea is,

things can go wrong.

As it turns out, junior's

a lot better at water skiing

than he is at tying knots.

Uncle red, oh boy.

The farnsworth's are

going to keep junior's boat.

Oh, she ran aground

at the farnsworth's...

Yeah, yeah, during their

daughter's beachfront

wedding reception.

Oh boy.

Yeah, junior's unmanned boat

came right off the dock,

flattened the

no trespassing sign,

landed right in the buffet.

Oh boy.

The prop pureed an

entire side of pork.

Wow and now they're

being jerks about it?

I know, it's

hard to believe.

You know, some people...

But you know, they say

it landed on their property

so they're keeping it now.

And mr. Farnsworth, he's

a very successful lawyer.

Well he can't be

that successful

if he has a place up here.

You know what,

maybe a bunch of us

should go over and

see this hotshot lawyer

and drop a torte

in his briefs.

No, no, no, no.

Violence is not the answer.

It's fun, though.

No, it's not.

No, no, no.

Violence only leads

to more violence.

Instead, we should present

our legal position.

Oh yeah, I know.

We sue them

and they sue us

and it goes back and

forth between the lawyers

at 300 bucks an hour

and it comes to court

about nine years later.

We win of course but

then they have an appeal

and by the time the

thing's settled

and we get

the boat back,

we're all in

an old age home

and nobody has

the strength

to pull-start anything.

No, all we have to say

to the town council

is that the farnsworth's

do not own that beach.

Nobody does!

It's called riparian rights.

Yeah, that boat is not

on their property.

And you think they're

going to side with us

rather than farnsworth

who pays taxes?

Uncle red, all we have

to do is go around the lake

and get our neighbours

to sign this petition.

The town council

cannot argue with that.

That's pretty smart.

Yeah, it's very smart.

It's way better

than violence.

Yeah and if somebody

won't sign it,

I'll just smack 'em one.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

Today's winner receives

this coupon for a

bucket of chicken

from the port asbestos

high volume chicken ranch

where chickens don't

cross the road

because we breed them

not to have any bones.

All right, cover

your ears, mike.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get mike hammer

to say this word.

Yeah, all right winston.

And go!

Okay, mike,

when you work,

this is what you make.

License plates.

Okay, this is another

term for the bottom line.

Oh, bikini wax.

No, okay.

This is something that

every ceo is focussed on...

Net?

Stockings.

Do you even know

what ceo means?

How do you spell it?

Okay, let's try

something else.

This is a mysterious person

who knows where you'll

be in the future.

Oh, the judge.

Red, you guys are almost

out of time, here.

Okay, okay.

Mike, say you buy

something for 90 bucks

and then sell it

for 100 bucks.

That difference of

10 dollars is?

Peanuts.

I can acquire the same

object for nothing

and then sell it to

a fence for 50 bucks.

Okay and that gives you a?

Court appearance.

The problem with that is

after I've paid the lawyer

and I rent the suit,

there goes my profit.

There we go!

[ ringing bell ]

[ cheers and applause ]

well tonight, local animal

control officer, ed frid

is going to tell us

how he likes to unwind

after dealing with

animals all day long.

Ed?

Well, I like to have

a couple of pops

and get out a

few animal traps.

That's my hobby.

Kind of a strange hobby,

it's a lot like your job.

I mean a hobby is supposed

to help you take a break.

Take a break?

Harold, do you think

grizzly bears take a break?

Huh?

Do you think rattlesnakes

have a social club

where they go to drink

tea and play cards?

Oh no, no, no, no.

Snakes can't shuffle.

They can't shuffle,

they're snakes.

They can't shuffle.

So... What is it

about animal traps

that appeals to you, ed?

You know, is it that you

feel trapped by your job?

I'd rather not say.

Oh, okay, well maybe you

can tell us about this one

I see your trap is open.

You should talk.

Okay, uh...

This is a leg trap.

It's a colin & bronton

1937 paw master 75.

Wow, it looks dangerous.

Should you be

handling it like that

if it is dangerous?

Oh, well yeah,

very much so, oh yeah.

But this one

is rusted open.

Yeah, urine will do that.

How do you know

urine did it?

I'd rather not say.

Now here's a very

important trap.

We use this for catching

the cleverest animal

known to man,

the raccoon.

That's a cat.

It looks like a cat.

Like I say, raccoons

are clever.

Now, for a commercial

fisherman,

there are

lobster traps

and this one, this is

one used right here

on possum lake.

I thought that lobsters

were saltwater crustaceans.

Yeah but around here,

a fisherman can make

a pretty good living

pulling up snowmobile gloves.

Okay.

Now, say you want

to catch a mouse.

Oh, that'd great because

then we could feed it

to this raccoon.

Okay.

This is the best.

This is the rat master 500

and its got a couple... Auugh!

Owww! Not again!

Not again!

You know, a lot of people

don't care for accordion music.

They make jokes about it

like, the difference

between an accordion

and a trampoline

is you take your shoes off

and jump on a trampoline.

Or the definition

of an optimist

is an accordion

player with a pager.

Or, if you play one

more note on that thing

you're going to need

a surgeon to remove it

from your large intestine.

Now, I don't know

anything about music

but I do have an opinion.

It seems that if

something isn't good,

alls they do is

make it real loud.

Like rap music or opera

or the laugh track

on who's the boss.

So I'm going to make

my accordion really loud

with a few simple components:

A vinyl folding door,

some parts from

this old toilet

and a late model minivan

with a power sliding

door and a sunroof.

Oh yeah, and of

course, a stool.

I really lucked out

on this minivan.

The salesman said

try it for the weekend

so I am.

Alls I'm doing is I'm taking

the accordion air pump

and putting it on steroids.

I've magnified the bellows

by mounting the folding door

inside the slider opening.

And this is a power unit

so I don't have to

do any work

which is music to my ears.

Now if you've seen the

inside of an accordion,

I hope you've apologized

to the owner

and you also know that

there's a valve on the back

that lets the air in when

the bellows are opened up.

So I got this toilet

flapper valve

mounted over the

hole in the floor

and connected by this chain

to the toilet handle.

So now, every time

the door slides open,

it automatically

flushes the toilet

and lets the new air in.

Okay, I've made the van

completely air tight

using the handyman's

secret weapon

and I mounted the business

side of the accordion

over the sunroof

so that all the air

will pass through it.

Now, I had to rewire

the remote a little bit

so that the side door

would open and close

without stopping.

It's a lot easier

than I thought.

I just put it in the

microwave for a few minutes.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

it's showtime!

[ accordion music playing ]

[ bad accordion sounds ]

[ cheers and applause ]

the other day I was thinking

back to when I was a teenager

as a way of getting ready

for my second childhood.

We had an expression

back then...

Whenever you went on a date,

your friends always wanted

to know if you got lucky.

You know... Well, you know.

I mean that was big.

Any guy that could get lucky

must be really something.

We had one guy, brett,

he never played baseball

but he got a lot of home runs

if you know what I mean,

most of them inside the park.

Well, I ran into brett

a couple of weeks ago

and I would say that his

luck has kind of run out.

It's tough to be a playboy

when you don't have the

magazine or the mansion.

He has the fancy scarf,

though, you know, the ascot.

In fact, he's had

it caught many times.

So there he is,

sitting at the bar

with a dyed moustache

and a bad toupee

trying to pick up

flight attendants

but all the gates are closed

and the seatbelts

are securely fastened.

Meanwhile, bernice and I

are in the restaurant

having a ribeye steak

and a baked potato

and when dinner's over,

I know where she'll

be spending the night.

I can't give you

any more information

about what's going

to happen after that

because after all these years,

I still don't have a clue.

But the point is,

for all you guys

who struck out as

teenagers like I did,

take a look at

your life now.

Funny how much good fortune

can come from

not getting lucky.

Remember, I'm

pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ cheers and applause ]

if you're watching

what you eat

while you're sitting

at the kitchen table,

that's fine.

But if you're watching

what you ate

while you're looking

out the backyard window,

call me.

Well, we had no luck

getting any of our neighbours

to sign the petition

and some of them

can read and write.

But nobody wanted to

question the ownership

of farnsworth's beach

because that would lead

to questioning the ownership

of their own waterfront.

It's like being a

turkey at thanksgiving.

You've got a whole

different attitude

when you've got

something to lose.

Speaking of turkeys...

You know, the cottages

on this lake,

they've got a thing of two

to learn about diplomacy.

One of them told me where

I could stick my petition

then tried to put it there.

Don't you worry

about that, harold.

I have a little something

called plan "b".

Oh no...

It's not violent is it?

Not yet.

No, we're going to walk all

the way around possum lake

with a whole whack

of these signs.

We're going to

stick them

in front of

everybody's property

to let them know the beach

doesn't belong to them...

Especially farnsworth.

Our slogan is, let's get

the sign of a beach.

That's a very civilized way

to get your message across.

Do you think farnsworth

is going to give

junior's boat back?

Oh, I think so, yeah.

Really?

Yeah, a big, important

lawyer like that,

you think he's going

to be intimidated

by a bunch of old guys

walking around with signs?

Oh, no, harold, we're

not going to be walking.

It's too far to be

walking around possum lake.

[ cheers and applause ]

it was raining outside

and bill came in

and he was ready for a

supernatural adventure

with some investigations

into bad luck and superstition.

First of all, you never

open an umbrella indoors.

So put that away and there's

your first sign --

first sign things

are not going well.

And now you've --

bill, you're under a ladder.

You're actually, okay

there comes the bat.

Okay bill, get rid

of the umbrella.

Get rid of the umbrella.

Get calm, get calm.

Now look for something to --

there we go.

There we go.

And... Okay.

Okay, now, bill,

stay calm, stay calm.

Bill, bill,

c'mon now bill.

Okay, take it easy.

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

Easy now.

You're not doing that

well with the bat.

Okay, it's about

love-200 by now.

All right, you know what,

let's just --

you know what I say,

let's get rid of

the tennis racket.

Get rid of it.

Get rid of it.

There we go.

Okay now, plan b,

maybe the bat's gone

that could be.

Oh he's going to

get a pillowcase.

Oh, this is more humane.

Get the pillowcase.

Oh, it's old man

sedgewick's teeth.

He puts them all there

hoping for the tooth fairy.

And, okay, the bat has landed

right on top of the

little dresser there

and bill is going to

just scoop him up

and just scoop him up

there bill... Shhh.

Go! Go!

Go now! Go!

There he got him.

Easy now, easy,

easy, easy, easy.

Holy cow!

Take it easy,

take it easy.

Bill!

Bill he's only a little bat.

Bill! Bill!

There's the bat.

What's in the bag?

Oh, it's the clock.

Okay, so...

All right, the bat's

still there and unfortunately

bill has another plan.

So he grabs a firearm --

oh, that's not an

indoor toy, bill.

Oh, easy, easy.

Bill, the aim.

Bill, the aim, bill.

Bill, oh my gosh,

that's an heirloom.

Okay, thank goodness

he's out of ammo.

No, no, no,

no, no, no.

Okay, he's just going

to try and just --

you're not going to

grab the bat are you?

Bill, the bat's probably

going to defend himself.

Bill, no bill.

No, no, no, no!

Oh, oh, oh...

Bill, then a strange

thing starts to happen.

Bill seems to change and

starts getting ideas.

He gets the umbrella out

and I don't know what

he's got in mind here.

He starts cutting

the umbrella up.

What are you doing, bill?

What are you doing?

Oh, wings.

Oh boy, okay.

All right, this is getting

into kind of a fantasy world.

Boy, that's an

odd look isn't it?

Oh, there he is.

Wow, he's looking good.

He kind of looks

like john travolta.

And he's whipping around,

he's eating mosquitoes

like crazy, lots of mosquitoes

and then... It was

all a strange dream

but he's still got

mosquitoes in his teeth

he can't figure out.

Oh, those aren't mosquitoes,

they're mesquite wings.

Oh...

[ cheers and applause ]

got kind of a

two-part lesson

for all of you

handymen out there.

Last spring I had to

re-seed the lawn

out where the lodge members

park all of their cars.

The grass was all killed

from the various fluids

leaking out all

over the ground.

Some of it from the vehicles.

Now, this job needed

a lot of grass seed

because we're talking

about a pretty big lawn.

The problem is we're trying

to do this on a budget

but it's too big

a job for one guy

especially if

that guy is me.

Then I thought, hey,

I don't shovel snow,

why should I

shovel grass seed?

Okay, that's the first

part of today's lesson.

Be creative.

The second part, always

clean up your tools.

[ laughter ]

mission accomplished...

Sort of...

Well I see you're

back from the front.

Actually, I can almost see

your front from the back.

You know what friendly

fire is harold?

Yes, I'm sorry, okay.

How did things go?

Things went well?

Well we made it most of

the way around the lake

but in a way we realized

how many of the residents

had incorporated

the beachfront

into their landscaping.

We're talking hedges?

Hedges, barbed wire,

electric fences, stone walls,

gazebos, bunkhouses,

doghouses,

we took a lot of hits.

I believe it's called flak.

Well, you would know.

But we made

our point, harold.

We got junior's

boat back.

All right, okay!

That's great!

Where is it?

Under the tank.

[ possum squeals ]

meeting time.

Yeah.

Time for the de-briefing.

Why don't we

start with yours?

Okay, all right, okay.

Okay, if my wife

is watching

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting

and I learned an important

lesson this week.

Things that I

have belong to me

and things that you

have belong to you

but it's way more

fun when we share.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

c'mon hurry up and sit down.

Sit down there.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man

but I can change

if I have to

I guess.

All right men, apparently

the beachfront doesn't

belong to anybody

which limits the liability

of all the land owners

including the lodge.

So from now on whenever

you see something

that looks like it's

going to blow up,

take her down to the dock.