The Beer Project/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Beer Project

Intro
{Red stands fishing by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: If you do an anthropological study of civilizations through history, you'll find that men historically have five basic needs: food, shelter, clothing, sex, and alcoholic beverages. {the title "The Beer Project" is displayed} And sometimes, those last two are reversed. Alcohol is very ceremonial, for toasting at dinner parties, for communion at church, they even drink booze at treaty signings. And when you see the kind of mess the world is in, it's pretty obvious that alcohol is involved somewhere in the negotiations. It just seems that whenever you get men together, you get fermentation. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Buzz looking at a piece of paper while Red stands nearby.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} On today's show...

''{Cut to Red swinging a pickax at a refrigerator. He hits the door of the freezer, where the pickax sticks.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...we're gonna show you how to brew your own beer.

{Cut to Dougie standing in a corner of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We got Dougie Franklin driving his monster truck around.

{Cut to Dalton, smiling and waving.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We get up close and personal with Dalton Humphrey...

''{Cut to Bill, wearing a lot of padding and a face mask, swinging a lacrosse racquet to unstick a lacrosse ball in it, causing it to fly through the air. Red tries to catch the ball with his own lacrosse racquet, but it's too high for him. It hits one of the Possum Van's rear-view mirrors and knocks it off, much to Red's annoyance.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Bill is gonna take a look at lacrosse, which is Canada's national sport, which I'm not.

Plot Segment 1
''{The camera pans through the lodge to Harold. The audience applauds.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And here he is, your hero, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} my uncle, Red Green!

''{Red enters, waving to everyone. Harold applauds and howls.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much! Thank you. And now, here's your antihero, Mr. Anti-Everything, with the exception of ante up, {points to Harold} my nephew, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Don't be jealous.

''{Harold plays his switcher. A monster truck, looking like Dougie's, zooms across the switcher.}''

HAROLD GREEN: I'm an electric magician.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Good. {points to switcher} Saw that thing in half, will ya? {to camera} Bit of a setback this week. The beer store called up and said that if we would pay our tab, they could repave the parking lot and buy a new fleet of trucks. And we kinda twigged onto the idea that perhaps we're spending a little too much money on beer.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I agree. I think everyone should just cut back on their consumption around here.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Cut back? Oh, no, no, we're gonna brew our own beer, Harold. {back to camera} All we need is {holds out left hand and points to fingers with right index finger} pure water, brewer's yeast, hops, barley, sugar and containers to put the beer in. We got everything but the pure water.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, maybe you should start by brewing small amounts. That would limit the size of a potential explosion.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Well, Harold, that's just not the way we do things around here, all right? You know, the ancient Romans brewed beer, Harold. {repeatedly prods Harold with index finger} In fact, every great western civilization brewed beer. Did you know that?

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to himself repeatedly} Yes, I did. {Red nods} And did you know that at some point, every great civilization collapsed? {holds up hands} Connection, perhaps?

RED GREEN: Harold, if it's good enough for Julius Caesar, it's good enough for Possum Lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: Veni, vidi, vomiti. I came, I saw, I ralphed. {plays switcher}

Segue: Dougie Franklin
{Dougie stands in a corner of the lodge.}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: You're watching The Red Green Show, and nobody can stop you!

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by banging two empty beer cans together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, we're out here squashing beer cans
 * In the middle of the night.
 * They go off like tomatoes
 * If the man just hits 'em right.
 * Yes, we love to squash those beer cans,
 * Drive 'em into the ground.
 * We just squashed a can of Perrier.
 * We're obviously getting too close to town.

Meet Your Member
''{Red is seated in a chair in another area of the lodge. Next to him is Dalton Humphrey. They are seated together around a table.}''

RED GREEN: Today on "Meet Your Member", we got the owner of Humphrey's Everything Store, Dalton Humphrey. {Dalton raises his hand briefly} Dalton is actually the only guy at the lodge who has a steady income.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, it's, uh, it's not what you make, it's what you spend there, Red. It's not what you pay, it's what you buy.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right. Maybe we'll just get away from that stuff, and you can tell us a little bit about, say, your family life, your background, growing up, y'know, that kinda thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, I, uh, I grew up very poor. Five kids in a one-room shack. And, uh, none of us had a stitch of clothing, 'cause drapes were cheaper.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh, sure, yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: And, uh, well, the eldest finally got some clothes, and, uh... 'course, I was the youngest, so all I got was hand-me-downs, and... I hated that. I hated it.

RED GREEN: Well, I had hand-me-downs; they're not that bad.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, all I had were sisters.

RED GREEN: Make it tough getting a date, I would think.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sure taught me the value of a dollar, I'll bet. Then, of course, I learned how to sew. And I married the girl who taught me how to sew.

RED GREEN: Oh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh yes. Of course, there was a nicer girl who lived across town. I liked her a lot better, but... well, not enough to justify the bus fare.

RED GREEN: Now, uh, now, your daughter. Tell us how she fits into the picture here. You haven't mentioned her yet.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, she's fine.

RED GREEN: Okay.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, she's– she's grown up now.

RED GREEN: Uh-huh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, she spends more on a dress than I spend on a car. Forty dollars on a dress! Can you believe that?

RED GREEN: So she has money, then?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, she has my money.

RED GREEN: Oh!

Segue: Dougie Franklin 2
{Dougie stands in a corner of the lodge.}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {crossing arms} It's very seldom that people like us get a chance to do a television show, and (?).

Segue: Dougie Franklin 3
{Dougie stands in a corner of the lodge.}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: If there's any eligible women out there, I'm available. And, uh, I'm happy to announce that I have the only monster truck, and the biggest one in the Possum Lake area. I prefer who are petite, blonde, and, uh, kind of on the slim side, and aren't afraid of loud noises.