He-Man Contest

The Lodge plays host to a He-Man competition.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, Handyman Corner, Red and Harold On Life, Red's Poetry, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Male Call, Adventures With Bill, Harold's Segments

DVD: Red Green – The Infantile Years

Transcript
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, there are clips of the show, followed by an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshots appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.}''

Intro
''{The camera moves through the Lodge from a back room, cluttered with various items, as it goes out into the main room of the Lodge. All the while, Harold introduces the show.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Now time for the show that everybody's talking about! The show that caught the nation's attention and it's top of the critics' list. {low voice} Well, I didn't say which list, so it's really not false advertising, okay? {normal voice} It's "The Red Green Show"! And now, please give a warm welcome for your host with the most, and my uncle, Red Green!

''{By now, the camera has reached the lobby. Red enters through the front door, waving to the audience, who applauds. Harold gives a thumbs-up to him.}''

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Thank you very much, Harold. {to audience} Thank you and, uh, welcome to the show. We got a heck of a show for you this week. Uh, we have a story about– We have a He-Man contest up here at the Lodge, with, uh, first prize being a truss. And then, later on, uh, Wayne Gretzky is gonna drop by.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, uh, he had to cancel.

RED GREEN: What? I thought he was dropping by.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, it's just, you know, it's all tentative on a few things.

RED GREEN: What things?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know, like, if we can get through to him, you know, and he hadn't seen the show, and, uh, you know, just hoping that he knew what he was getting in to. Stuff like just things! Okay? {walks up close to Red}

RED GREEN: {to audience} Well, uh, this here is my nephew, Harold, and, uh, more importantly, my producer and director and, uh, up until now, uh, had been in charge of booking the guests for the show. But, uh, anyway, we've still got Karen Kain coming. We're gonna do some moose hunting–

HAROLD GREEN: {clearing his throat loudly} No. {clearing his throat again} No. No, it's not. Well... Well, let's– let's just– Well, she's not gonna be here, as you might think. You know, like, in person.

RED GREEN: What happened, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know, this and that and those and them and... She's washing her hair. And among other things.

RED GREEN: {sighs} Oh, well, not to worry, I've still got my story about the He-Man contest.

HAROLD GREEN: And we've always got these special effects.

''{Harold plays his switcher. The camera twists the scene around. Harold laughs.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, I'll start with the story, and then we can save the dipsy-doodles for when we're trying to kill dead air.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay. {plays his switcher to trigger the next segment}

RED GREEN: Well, my story isn't dead air, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: I made a judgment call, Uncle Red.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * I have an old wood stove,
 * Belonged to my dad.

HAROLD GREEN: Dad.

RED GREEN:
 * It was the best darn wood stove
 * That he ever had.

HAROLD GREEN: Sure.

RED GREEN:
 * It hisses and cracks
 * And burns things real bad.
 * It belches and smokes,
 * But then, so did my dad.

{Red plays a note on the guitar, which sounds sour.}

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Does this sound in tune to you?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, except when you play it.

Handyman Corner
''{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another area of the Lodge, where Red stands next to a stove.}''

RED GREEN: This week, uh, in, uh, Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you what you can do with an old stove. And I'm not referring to any member of your family here. Uh, maybe you've got, uh, one of these out in the garage or in the bomb shelter or maybe you were lucky enough where somebody left you a stove. But whatever the reason, uh, I'm gonna show you today something you can do with these, and I think you're gonna be pretty darn impressed with it. Now, first off, we have to dismantle the stove, so step number one, of course, is to loosen all the hardware.

''{Red picks up a sledgehammer and hits the stove with it. It shakes and the stove tops become displaced.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, now, uh, she has failed to de-constitute into her primary components. So, I think, for that, we've no other choice, uh... {picks up an acetylene torch} ...other than to take the torch to her. This should, uh, this should do it.

''{Red squeezes the torch. Gas spews out of the hose. He then tries to light it, using a cigarette lighter, but it doesn't seem to be working.}''

RED GREEN: You know, uh, this could blow out the tubes in the camera when this baby lights up. You guys might wanna just, uh, pan off to the side there, and, uh, I don't want any problems or anything.

''{The camera pans over away from Red toward an empty wall. Red continues to try and light the torch. Suddenly, there is a flash of light and an explosion. Red then walks over to the camera.}''

RED GREEN: Well, uh, torch doesn't seem to be operational. I guess Harold was futzing around with the settings on it. So I gotta find some other way of taking the stove apart. {walks back over to stove, picks up handsaw} Might as well just use the old-fashioned hands-on approach.

''{Red tries vigorously to saw through the stove, but it doesn't appear to be cutting. Wipe to a later scene. The stove appears to have been cut up. Red puts a wire on the cut-up stove, which now resembles a reclining chair.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, well, I got her all taken apart. I took the top off, took the back off, and I think you're gonna be surprised at what we've got here. {shows a bungee cord tied across the oven door} I got a bungee cord wrapped around the door. And let me show you how this works. {looks down at door at base of stove} Down here, what used to be the oven drawer, {opens drawer} this is now a magazine rack. {reaches inside} So we get ourselves a magazine... {looks at magazine} No, not that magazine, that's Harold's magazine. He's growing up, isn't he? {takes out magazine; walks around to front of stove} Walk around the front... {picks up disassembled stove controls} We pick up the control module... We're gonna need that in a minute. {bends down, pulls out oven rack} Pull out the oven rack, which is now gonna be a leg rack. There's a bit of a clue there. Okay, now we ease ourselves down. You're not gonna believe this. {sits down in stove recliner} Alright, lean back. {leans back against stove door, which has bungee cord wrapped around it} We now have a beautiful, comfortable reclining chair. {puts control panel on his legs} And as an added feature, I've got out the control panel, set her for "bun warmer", {turns on stove with panel; a humming sound is heard} and by golly, I'm here for the evening. So until next time, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

{Red picks Harold's magazine and starts reading it.}

Commercial bumper
{Red and Harold stand in the Lodge, looking directly into the camera.}

RED GREEN: We'll be right back after this commercial break with more about the He-Man contest story.

HAROLD GREEN: If you have children, get them out of the room NOW! Just in case! {laughs} I would.

''{Cut back to Red in his stove reclining chair. He hears something crackling.}''

RED GREEN: What's that smell?

Red and Harold On Life
{Red and Harold walk along through the woods, each holding a fishing pole and tackle box.}

RED GREEN: Boy, did you see the game last night?

HAROLD GREEN: I was rather disturbed by it.

RED GREEN: Oh, well, did you see that check?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah.

RED GREEN: Huh? Right into the boards? I think it was just his head, but his head split (?).

HAROLD GREEN: His definitely was!

RED GREEN: Oh!

HAROLD GREEN: The amount of blood. I would definitely say something was wrong.

RED GREEN: Oh, he had a headache there, didn't he?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, today, he's gonna wake up and go through the assault that happened last night.

RED GREEN: You wanna believe it.

HAROLD GREEN: There's too much violence in this world, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Oh!

HAROLD GREEN: You seem to be advocating...

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Don't!

HAROLD GREEN: ...the feeling I get from you and your friends when you– when you stand up and cheer, "Way to go!", I figured you like that–

RED GREEN: Well, it's a commitment to the– you know, to your team. You either support your team or you don't support your team.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but I don't know which team you like. You like the team that seems to be stronger. That's sort of a gladiator sport

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Well, there's a bulletin, huh? I like the team that's stronger. What, you think I like a loser?

HAROLD GREEN: No, I wouldn't say, like, losers, but sometimes you like the guy who gets his head into the boards, and he's the loser. So like–

RED GREEN: I don't like him. I don't– No, no, I don't like him. I think that it's you have to make a commitment to a sport. You're there, in there, and it's war. That's not a sport, that's war.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, how do you practice a sport like that? You just kinda skate into the boards?

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, you start with your own family, first of all. You know.

HAROLD GREEN: Start small.

RED GREEN: Yeah. {walking off} Come on, I'll show you.

HAROLD GREEN: All right.

RED GREEN: Take your glasses off.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

The Winter of Our Discount Tent
''{Red sits next to a camping tent in snow, dressed in a heavy parka. He reads from a book.}''

RED GREEN: It is winter. A friend hits you in the face with a snowball. And as it melts, you become aware that he has a new puppy.

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: So as I was saying, we had this, uh, He-Man contest, and it's kind of interesting how we put it together. Uh, we had each guy come up with an event, and then the rule being that he had to go first on his own event. That way, the guys wouldn't, y'know, rig up the equipment so that it wouldn't fall apart and then everybody would get killed just so they'd win.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, y'know, this is a really interesting story, it really is, but some viewers might find it boring. Unless, of course, they find it offensive, y'know, and that's not better. So why don't we just tell them that there were some winners and some losers and some injuries, and that way, we can just get right on with the next film clip.

RED GREEN: Well, I think the viewers would at least like to see what the events were, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, that's a good idea. {plays his switcher to segue into the next segment}

RED GREEN: Well, I– I didn't get to tell them what the events were.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I didn't know you meant right now.

RED GREEN: Well, when did you think I meant, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Eventually?

Visit With Hap Shaughnessy
{Red and Hap are in Hap's boat, fishing.}

RED GREEN: Well, now, Hap, this is a great day for fishing. Doesn't get any better than this.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Perfect weather conditions, as we bush pilots used to call it.

RED GREEN: Bush pilot? You were a bush pilot?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, yeah, I was one of the very best... so they tell me.

RED GREEN: What kind of plane did you have?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I wasn't a plane pilot, I was a bush pilot! I piloted bushes.

RED GREEN: Well, bushes don't fly, Hap.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {slightly annoyed} You don't have to tell me that, Red! I worked with them for five years! The lumberjacks in British Columbia, they'd cut down the trees and drag 'em down to the river, I'd build a... a raft out of a bush, and I'd pilot those trees down the river to the sawmill.

RED GREEN: Oh, so you were a lumberjack.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: It was dangerous work being a bush pilot, floating down a raging river on a shrub. And I got my logs down to the mill, intact and debarked and ready to saw.

RED GREEN: Well, that sounds like an interesting job, Hap.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah. And it paid well. And it taught me something about life; taught me how to be straight and honest with people.

RED GREEN: That's a good lesson.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: If I had learned to tell the truth, I'd still be coming down the whitewater with my legs wrapped around the Douglas-fir. What kind of life is that?

RED GREEN: Tenuous.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: That's for sure.

Red's Campfire Song 2
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * I'll tell you the story 'bout Lumberjack Mort.
 * He was well over 40, stocky and short.
 * He could clear a whole forest in less than a week.
 * But take away his bulldozer, he'd be up a creek.

The Winter of Our Discount Tent 2
''{Red sits next to a camping tent in snow, dressed in a heavy parka. He reads from a book.}''

RED GREEN: It is winter. My wife snuggles close. "Put a log on the fire," she whispers. I do. It sizzles and pops, it crackles and snaps and fizzles, it shakes and yelps and runs away whimpering. Log? I thought she said, "Dog".

Famous People

 * Near the beginning, Red announces that Wayne Gretzky and Karen Kain would appear on the show, only to learn they canceled.