Too Much Information

Possum Lodge gets a bunch of computers, prompting Dalton to try to teach Red about the Internet.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , ,

Segments: If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying, Harold at the Office, Talking Animals, Handyman Corner, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Ranger Gord's Educational Films

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 2; The Red Green Show – 1999 Season

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: This episode, "Too Much Information", is actually one of my all-time favorites of the whole Red Green series. I just like the way everything fit together, especially with the storyline– well, you'll see it anyway. But another thing in the show is, it's one of the first appearances of– it wasn't the first appearance, but one of the first appearances by Jerry Schaefer, who plays Ed Frid, an animal control officer. This spitting cobra thing was another– I just had a lot of fun doing it. If you watch the scene carefully, you'll probably see me laughing throughout. Uh, we had an animal control officer earlier in the series called Garth Harble, played by Derek McGrath, but he lived in Los Angeles, and it was very difficult to keep that thing going, so... But we did want to continue a character like that, so we came up with Ed Frid, and Jerry Schaefer's been a fabulous replacement for it.

Transcript
{Red is standing outside on a patch of ice.}

RED GREEN: Y'know, there is nothing worse than when something fun turns into work. You married guys know what I'm talking about. Take ice skating for example. I mean, that's fun, but like so many physical activities, it's just too darned physical. Well, here's a way you can strap on the blades, burn around the ice without even breaking a sweat.

''{Red walks over to where a TV antenna and its motor are sitting on the ice. A control mechanism is hanging from one arm of the antenna.}''

RED GREEN: Recognize this? It's a rotary television aerial. Y'know, in the days long before cable, {picks up the control box} the whole street would come alive every half hour with these babies grinding and humming as Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public would spin the dial in search of something half decent to watch. {uses the control box to spin the antenna briefly} Okay, nowadays we're all supposed to be wired or wireless or online or something. {hangs the control box on the antenna again} But that doesn't mean we can't use our rotary antennas to have a little bit of fun.

''{Red grabs hold of an antenna arm and turns on the control box again, then hangs on as the antenna starts spinning, pulling him along on the ice. He smiles at the camera as he goes by.}''

Intro
''{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers. Off to the side is a table with an old computer and a monitor sitting on it.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Sure appreciate that. Y'know, this season is my favorite up at the Lodge. Along with the other three, of course. Yeah, this is the harvest time of year, {Mike walks in holding a basket} where you can get the fresh fruit. It's a great– it's really a great time.

MIKE HAMAR: I got some plums for you, Mr. Green. You like plums?

RED GREEN: Oh, I sure do. Where'd you get those, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Thompson's Orchard.

RED GREEN: Ohh, they'll be good. How much did they cost ya?

MIKE HAMAR: Nothing! I just saw the sign that said "Pick your own".

{Red stares at Mike for a moment.}

MIKE HAMAR: {looking shocked} Oh, I didn't know you were supposed to pay! They need a better system!

RED GREEN: No, they need a better fence, Mike. Why don't you just put 'em on the table and let 'em cool off a little, huh?

MIKE HAMAR: Okay. {walks over to the table and looks at the computer, setting the basket down next to it} Wow! Is this the computer Harold sent you?

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, his company's getting rid of all their old computers, so he gave them to me. There's a flattering gift. I'm like a garbageman without a dump.

MIKE HAMAR: {looks around the Lodge} No, you have a dump.

RED GREEN: Oh, stop.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {runs into the Lodge} Hey Red, did you get my email? Huh?

RED GREEN: No, I haven't been down to the post office yet.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, it's email! You don't go down to the post office. It's waiting on your computer! Here, look! {starts typing on the keyboard} Yep, you just dial up the network, wait for a connection, enter your password, listen...

COMPUTER: You have mail.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {laughs and points at the screen} There it is! Huh? See? There's the email I sent you! Go on, read it, read it!

RED GREEN: {stares at the screen, squints his eyes, then leans very far back} "Hi, Red."

DALTON HUMPHREY: {laughs again and claps his hands excitedly} Isn't that great? No paper, no envelope, and no stamp!

RED GREEN: And no purpose, Dalton.

MIKE HAMAR: It doesn't cost anything? Like email is free mail?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no, not quite, Mike. The server charges you a monthly fee on your credit card.

RED GREEN: Oh, there's a fee. So it's female. No wonder I don't understand it! {heads for the door}

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
RED GREEN: {walks out from behind the basement stairs} This is the repair portion of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying." Joining me today is Mike Hamar. {walks over to a workbench with a suitcase sitting on it} What have you got for us here, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, I got a suitcase, of mine, and I can't seem to get it open, though.

RED GREEN: {looks at the front of the suitcase} Well, it's locked, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, yeah, well, y'know, I've lost the keys.

RED GREEN: {looks at the front again} Well, you don't need keys. These are combination locks.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah, right. Well, I packed this about a year ago, and I've just forgotten all the numbers, y'know? But I was hoping maybe you could take the hammer and smash the locks off, and I could get in, right?

RED GREEN: Well, this is a repair shop. It's not a destroy shop.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, well, I know, right, but the suitcase is unusable, right? So, like, it's broken, in a way. But if you smash the locks off, then I can get in there, and it would be fixed, in a way.

RED GREEN: Okay, if I help you open this suitcase, I'm an accomplice, in a way.

MIKE HAMAR: What? No no no, no no, you don't get it, Mr. Green. This is my suitcase! Honest, honest, I swear!

RED GREEN: You swear?

MIKE HAMAR: I swear!

RED GREEN: Possum Lodge swear?

{Mike holds up his hands and crosses them over his chest.}

RED GREEN: All right. {smashes the locks off the suitcase with the hammer}

MIKE HAMAR: {excited} Oh boy, I can hardly wait to see what's in it– I mean, get it, to remember what I left inside it.

RED GREEN: {opens the suitcase and examines the contents} Black t-shirt. Another black t-shirt. Jeans already rolled up, white socks... Holy cow, it really is yours! Oh, I apologize, Mike. Y'know, I always think you're up to no good, and I'm sorry about that.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, that's okay, Mr. Green, I forgive ya. {rummages through the suitcase and pulls out a ski mask} Oh, here's what I was looking for, here it is. My balaclava! {puts on the ski mask}

RED GREEN: What do you... What do you need a balaclava for, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, I need it for snowmobiling.

RED GREEN: It's not winter yet.

MIKE HAMAR: No, I mean, I need it to get a snowmobile. Thanks a lot, Mr. Green! {runs up the stairs, with Red following close behind}

Harold at the Office
''{The camera focuses in on a man seated at a desk. Hacking and coughing noises are heard off-camera. The man looks up for a moment, then shakes his head and goes back to what he was doing. The camera pans left to focus on Harold, who is breathing loudly on a name placard and wiping it with his tie.}''

RED GREEN: {walks in and sits down next to Harold} This had better be good, Harold. I burned half a tank of gas and an afternoon nap just getting down here.

HAROLD GREEN: {excited} Okay, Uncle Red, y'know how some really important people have someone who does everything for them, every menial task that they're too busy or too lazy to do for themselves?

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, that's why I'm the Lodge leader, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, around here, we call them secretaries. {smiles smugly}

RED GREEN: Oh my gosh, you got yourself a promotion, eh?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! I'm starting today!

RED GREEN: {chuckles} Where is she?

HAROLD GREEN: Who?

RED GREEN: Well, your new secretary.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, who says that a secretary has to be a woman?

RED GREEN: Oh, all right, Mr. Twenty-First Century. What pathetic guy did they hire to be your secretary?

HAROLD GREEN: I'm not getting a secretary. I am the secretary! Yeah! I'm the secretary to the Vice President of Mergers and Acquisitions. {holds up his new name placard, which reads "HAROLD GREEN, Secretary"} Lalaaaaa!

RED GREEN: Harold, I thought you said you got a promotion!

HAROLD GREEN: This is a promotion! I actually rank higher in the company than my supervisor in my old department. I'm gonna be helping the boss, like, organize meetings, scheduling things, I'm gonna–

WOMAN'S VOICE: {over a speakerphone} Harold, could you come in here for a moment, please?

HAROLD GREEN: {to the phone} Yes ma'am! Yes ma'am, I'll be right there!

RED GREEN: Who was that, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: My boss, the Vice President of Mergers and Acquisitions.

RED GREEN: {chuckling} Oh man, Harold, you got a woman boss!

HAROLD GREEN: {gathering up papers} So? So do you! Aunt Bernice.

RED GREEN: Oh, c'mon, Harold. That's different.

HAROLD GREEN: {smugly} Yeah, I know. I get paid. {leaves the desk}

Talking Animals
''{Red and Ed Frid are standing behind a table in the Lodge basement. On the table is a large green basket with a lid. The basket is shaking slowly. Ed is standing at the very back of the room.}''

RED GREEN: Welcome to Talking Animals with the local animal control officer, Ed Frid. I understand Ed has brought in a very very dangerous snake today to show us all. Uh, come on up here, Ed. {Ed shakes his head} No no, c'mon. {Ed continues shaking his head} No, you'll be fine, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon up here. {Ed slowly walks up toward the table} So, what kind of snake is this?

ED FRID: {nervously} It's, um... It's a cobra.

RED GREEN: A cobra? Wow, you brought in a cobra?

ED FRID: Yeah, yeah. What was I thinking?

RED GREEN: Okay, so, can we have a look at it, Ed?

ED FRID: Well, no, no. I think we'd better just leave it in the basket, yeah.

RED GREEN: Oh, no. That's kinda wussy, huh?

ED FRID: Red, this is a black-necked cobra! Better known as a spitting cobra!

RED GREEN: Oh, they spit the poison! Yeah, oh yeah! How far can that cobra spit the poison?

ED FRID: {indicating the gap between himself and the table} Well, farther than this!

RED GREEN: Are we, uh... are we safe here, Ed?

ED FRID: Oh yeah, as long as the lid stays on the basket.

RED GREEN: Oh, all right.

{The lid suddenly pops off the basket.}

RED GREEN: Uhh... Ed?

ED FRID: What?

RED GREEN: {nervously} Uh, I think the lid came off the basket.

ED FRID: {sarcastically} Really?

RED GREEN: Uh... um... what are you gonna do?

ED FRID: I have no plans.

RED GREEN: Why don't you put the lid back on the basket?

ED FRID: Why don't you put the lid back on the basket?

''{The cobra rises up out of the basket and hisses menacingly at Red and Ed. Red backs away nervously.}''

RED GREEN: Ohhhh... ohhh...!

ED FRID: Quiet, Red! Stay still, don't move!

RED GREEN: He's– he's staring right at me.

ED FRID: Shh! Don't move! He's getting ready to spit!

RED GREEN: Oh, so am I! {stands still, very nervous} Or– Or– Or– Or did you say "spit"?

ED FRID: {picks up a garbage can lid and carefully hands it to Red} Take this garbage can lid and put it in front of your face! It'll shield you! Brace yourself!

''{Red gasps and holds the lid up in front of his face. The cobra then turns and starts spitting a green fluid all over Ed for a long moment. Ed dances around and tries to block his face. The venom completely soaks Ed's shirt. After a moment, the snake stops spitting.}''

RED GREEN: {lowers the lid} I'm okay!

Handyman Corner
''{Red is driving down a road in the Possum Van. There is snow on both sides of the road. Suddenly, snowballs start flying into the side of the van. Cut to a shot of several teenagers throwing snowballs. Red stops the van.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'm sure this has happened to you. You're driving down the street thinking about your life and how it's everybody else's fault, and all of a sudden...

''{The teenagers point and laugh, then run away. The van sputters and stalls, and Red gets out.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, no matter how mad you get at these smart-alecks, never run after them. You'll only look like a fool. Never chase teenagers. You'll either have a heart attack or fall on the ice and rip the crotch right out of your pants. That's more of a summer thing.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is packing a snowball.}''

RED GREEN: I say don't get mad. {holds up the snowball} Get creative. {sets the snowball on a workbench among a bunch of other snowballs} What I've done here is to take an old pie plate, {picks up a pie tin attached to the bottom of a hammer, then taps it with the blunt end of an axe} nail her on there to the bottom end of my hammer. That's actually gonna be the valve of the– y'know, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here. {sets the assembly down and sets his hands on a cooler} Before I do that, I'm gonna mount this old cooler on the roof of the Possum Van. Before I get to that, I'm gonna make up a huge batch of snowballs and put 'em in here! {opens the cooler to find it full of empty beer bottles} Oh... {dumps the bottles onto the ground} Darn Super Bowl.

''{Wipe again. The cooler is now attached upside-down to the roof of the Possum Van, held on with duct tape. Red is inside the van, attaching the pie-tin-hammer assembly to the ceiling.}''

RED GREEN: All right, this is where the hammer-valve comes in. I've got 'er mounted on the ceiling here, and I punched a hole up through the cooler and through the roof of the van. Actually, there already was a hole in the roof of the van. Never go over a speed bump with a pop can in your hand. {finishes tying a string to the hammer} Now I've got this string attached to the bottom of the hammer, and when I'm ready for a snowball... {pulls the hammer back, opening the "valve", then catches a snowball that falls out from the cooler}

''{Wipe again. Red is pushing a softball pitching machine along the ground toward the van.}''

RED GREEN: {winded, struggling with the machine} You'd be amazed at how easy these pitching machines are to come by in the off-season. {reaches into the machine and pulls out two softballs, tossing them away} All I gotta do is get 'er up in the Possum Van and line 'er up to the snowball hole, and set the control for the high hard one. {pushes the machine up a ramp into the back of the van}

''{Wipe again. Red is standing next to the van. The pitching machine is sitting inside with the nozzle pointed out the side doors.}''

RED GREEN: All right, got 'er all lined up and in position. Now all I gotta do is close my bomb bay doors. {closes the doors and walks around to the driver's side} This is great, isn't it? I also got an idea on how to stop kids from hanging onto your back bumper. I'll give you a hint: It involves a heavy duty truck battery. But first, let's go kick some snowball-throwing butt!

''{Wipe again. Red drives down the road. The teenagers point out the van and start making snowballs, then start throwing them at the van. Red stops the van and presses a button while the teenagers make more snowballs. The side doors slowly open, then the pitching machine's nozzle raises up into position. Red pulls on the string to the hammer valve, and the pitching machine starts launching snowballs at the teenagers. Red laughs maniacally as the teenagers are pelted with snowballs and scramble away. The van's doors close again while the machine is still running, causing snowballs to launch into the driver's area before the machine shuts down.}''

Visit With Dalton Humphrey
{Red and Dalton pull up to Dalton's house in the Possum Van.}

RED GREEN: Well, Dalton, I'm sure glad you came by to see me before you abandoned your family and headed off to Mexico.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {annoyed} The Yucatan, Red! It's the Yucatan, and I wouldn't have come to see you if I didn't need fifty bucks for gas.

RED GREEN: Well, and I wasn't gonna give you cash, Dalton. Just gonna lend you my siphon hose.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Is it wrong? Is it crazy for me to have a dream, huh? Is it wrong for me to want to help people?!

RED GREEN: Well, no, not necessarily, but I just think that running off to join a leper colony is a little extreme.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, it's my dream, Red, and I wanna go someplace primitive where I can help unfortunates.

RED GREEN: You can do that right at the Lodge here.

DALTON HUMPHREY: It's not the same thing!

RED GREEN: No, I know, Dalton, but y'know, is it possible that maybe your running off to a leper colony indicates you've got some troubles here at home? Hm?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {bitterly} Well, possibly.

RED GREEN: Huh? I think maybe you're running off to a leper colony to avoid talking to your wife. And I also think you should go upstairs right now and say something nice to her.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Like what?

RED GREEN: Well, I dunno. What'd you two talk about when you were dating?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Gambling.

''{The lights turn on in the upstairs room of the house. Anne-Marie's silhouette is seen reading a note.}''

RED GREEN: {looks at the window} Did you tell her about your little adventure, there?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yes, yes, I left a note saying I was going to go live in a leper colony in the Yucatan.

ANNE-MARIE HUMPHREY: {laughs hysterically} Ha ha ha ha! YES! {starts dancing and singing}

DALTON HUMPHREY: She's in pain.

RED GREEN: She's taking it well.

Plot Segment 2
''{Dalton is sitting at the computer typing. Red walks into the Lodge.}''

RED GREEN: Man, this computer craze is wrecking our town! Nobody's outdoors, nobody's doing anything. Instead of pulled muscles and hernias, all we got is Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I got no use for the darned thing, but you can't even turn it off! It's like Harold!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, you can turn it off, Red. Just gotta shut all the windows first.

RED GREEN: {looks at the Lodge windows} Oh no, now that makes sense!

DALTON HUMPHREY: You gotta keep up with technology, or it's gonna leave you behind!

RED GREEN: This isn't progress, Dalton! Everybody's locked away in their house sending out messages! It's like they're cavemen beating on their drums, for gosh sakes!

COMPUTER: You have mail.

RED GREEN: Okay, how many email messages is that for me?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Ninety-three! Although 85 of them are me asking you to pick up your email.

RED GREEN: Right.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Y'know, Red, there's way more to computers than this, though. C'mon over here, Red, and I'll show you how the Internet works!

RED GREEN: {walks over behind Dalton} Oh, I know, W-W-W-dot-sit-on-your-butt-for-twelve-hours-a-day-dot-com.

DALTON HUMPHREY: This is the greatest source of information in the world. Okay, now say you wanted to know something about, um... {looks around, then claps his hands toward the basket of plums} Plums! Okay? You type in "plums"... {types on the keyboard, then gestures to the screen} Look at all the information in here! Look, look! There's the guy with the world's largest plum!

RED GREEN: {looking at the screen} Wow, look at the size of that thing!

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, he's holding the plum. You're looking at his wife. Oh, and here's some stuff you didn't know, like plums got vitamin C and D, they float, and plums conduct electricity!

RED GREEN: {reaches over and takes a plum from the basket} Oh no no, not these ones. Mike said there was no charge.

Ranger Gord's Educational Films
''{Red climbs into Watchtower 3. Ranger Gord is adjusting his film projector.}''

RANGER GORD: Oh! Red! {stands up and shakes Red's hand} Red! It's done! On time! I got my new animated feature ready on time! Were you worried?

RED GREEN: You always worry me, Gord. {sits down}

RANGER GORD: Y'know, this film is a little different. I still drew all the pictures and did all the voices, but I think the subject matter is very edgy.

RED GREEN: Yes, well, I'm feeling very edgy now myself.

RANGER GORD: {picks up a bowl and offers it to Red} Oh, suet?

RED GREEN: Uh, no thank you, no no.

RANGER GORD: You sure? Winter's coming.

RED GREEN: Not if I eat that, it isn't.

RANGER GORD: {sets the bowl down, goes back to fiddling with the projector} Right. Now, Red, how much do you know about rocks?

RED GREEN: Rocks? Oh, I know enough about rocks.

RANGER GORD: Not enough. Let me teach you. Watch. {starts the projector}

''{The film starts, displaying the titles: "Ranger Gord's Educational Films" and "Written & Directed by Ranger Gord". The film fades to Ranger Gord posing with the title "Starring Ranger Gord". The film fades again to a picture of Gord sitting on top of a large rock, holding two halves of a smaller rock. The title reads, "This week's episode...", then "ROCK EGGS". The scene then fades to show Gord sitting in a lotus position on top of a large rock. Little Red, Little Harold, a bear resembling Dalton Humphrey, and a raccoon resembling Mike Hamar, are all standing or sitting around him.}''

LITTLE HAROLD: {waving his hand} Fwaaaa-aa, please, Master Ranger Gord, teach us the ways of how, like, nature is? waa?

RANGER GORD: Fine then. Pay attention. Your first lesson will be about these thick-shelled eggs {holds up a stone} which occur abundantly in nature.

LITTLE RED: Uh, that's a stone, Gord.

''{Gord hits Red over the head with the stone, cracking the stone open. An egg yolk falls onto Red's face.}''

LITTLE DALTON: Wow! That stone was an egg!

RANGER GORD: All stones are eggs. {holds up the rock shells} Open your eyes, you fools! {puts the shells on Dalton's and Mike's heads}

LITTLE MIKE: So, wow, all of these stones around here are actually eggs!

RANGER GORD: Don't you see? Stones have been fooling us for many years. We've just assumed that stones are made out of nothing but rock.

LITTLE HAROLD: {holding up his hand again} Waaa, where do the stones that are actually eggs come from? Hm? {Red sits up behind Harold}

RANGER GORD: {grinning} Attractive women in hot air balloons distribute the eggs all around the world.

LITTLE RED: Oh, that's ridiculous, Gord!

''{Two rocks fall and hit Red on the head, knocking him out again. Gord looks up to see two women in a hot air balloon waving down at him.}''

WOMEN: Hi, Mr. Ranger Gord! Oh, we love you! {both women blow kisses at Gord}

RANGER GORD: {chuckling coyly} Women have a thing for me. {the hot air balloon floats around in the background, reading "We Love Gord"}

LITTLE HAROLD: Waaaaaa! I hope that someday I can attract women the way you do, Master Ranger Gord. Whoa...

RANGER GORD: {scoff} Get real.

LITTLE MIKE: Uh, Master Ranger Gord, is that stone you're sitting on also an egg, eh?

RANGER GORD: That is correct! I am about to hatch this egg. {the egg starts to crack open, and Gord jumps off of it}

LITTLE DALTON: Wow! What will that stone hatch into?

RANGER GORD: This egg will hatch into... {poses dramatically} a black hole, which will devour all ignorance for miles around.

''{The stone hatches, revealing a black hole. The hole sucks away the pieces of shell, then sucks Red, Dalton, Harold and Mike into itself. Gord is unaffected.}''

RANGER GORD: You see, boys and girls? Ignorance is bliss, until a stone hatches into a black hole, that is. {laughs}

''{A title reads "The End", and the film ends. Cut back to the real Ranger Gord and Red. Gord claps enthusiastically, while Red keeps staring straight forward.}''

Side Segment with Dale
''{Dale is cleaning the front windshield of the Possum Van. Red is leaning against the front of the van.}''

RED GREEN: So, how's it going with the ladies, Dale? You gone out on a date, like, ever?

DALE: Oh yeah. Actually, I got a date tonight.

RED GREEN: Wow. So, where are you going on this hot date anyhow?

DALE: The movies.

RED GREEN: Oh that's right, it's cheap night at the movies, eh? Two get in for the price of one? That's good thinking.

DALE: Well, she usually pays for herself. I don't mind. Actually, she'll probably pay for both of us. She makes more money than I do.

RED GREEN: Well, I don't think that matters, Dale. I mean, you asked her out. She's your guest.

DALE: No, she asked me out.

RED GREEN: {surprised} She asked you out? She phoned you and asked you out?

DALE: Yeah.

RED GREEN: Y'know, she just comes up to you and says "Hey, whaddaya say we just go out and paint the town?" Like she's the guy and you're the girl?

DALE: Right.

RED GREEN: You gotta prove to her that you can show her a good time. Like, of all the guys in the world, she's gotta feel like she's lucky to be with you. Don't you get it? Isn't that important to you?

DALE: {pauses} Nope.

{Red walks to the driver's door.}

Plot Segment 3
{Dalton is sitting at the computer playing a game with a joystick.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Stay away from them treasures, you, you Martian pigs! You want more of this, do ya? {starts hitting the button on the joystick rapidly} YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!

{Sparks fly from the fuse box behind Dalton.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {shocked} Hey! What happened? {starts hitting the computer} Come on! Come on!

{The computer makes a grinding noise as Red walks into the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: Hey, shouldn't you have closed the windows before you beat the crap out of the computer?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Red, the power's gone off! Can't you do something?

RED GREEN: Oh, I can do lots of things, Dalton. The sun's shining, I can go boating, I can go fishing, I can go hiking...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Turn the power on! I was on level four!

RED GREEN: {walks over to the fuse box} Oh, I think you probably just blew a fuse here. Yeah, yeah... Geez, Dalton. I haven't got any spares. You got a coin?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {annoyed} No, I haven't got a coin!

RED GREEN: {points to the basket of plums} Oh, give me one of those plums. I learned on the Internet they conduct electricity!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {laughs and tosses a plum to Red} That's it, huh? You see? {laughs}

RED GREEN: {laughs with Dalton} I hope it's right-hand thread!

''{Red twists the plum into the fuse box. Sparks fly from the computer, and the monitor explodes in a big plume of smoke. Red walks around to get a better look.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: {watches the smoke dissipate} That can't be good.

RED GREEN: No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Red, you wrecked the computer!

RED GREEN: No no no, you did it Dalton. You shouldn't have picked such a big plum. Too much juice! {laughs}

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh! Meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Mr. Gates, I'll be down in a minute. ''{laughs and waves away some of the smoke. To the camera}'' So, if my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home after the meeting, and yes, I know it's the computer age, but let's not forget about personal interaction. When I get home, I wanna show you that I'm user friendly. {to the audience} And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice. {waves and heads for the stairs}

''{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Red walks down the stairs and heads for his spot next to Mike and Dalton. The rest of the men mill around and gradually sit down.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, everybody sit down, everybody sit down please. Sit down, everybody sit down, sit down, everybody! You gotta sit down!

{Red stands between Mike and Dalton.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: All rise!

{Everybody gets up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits} All right, men, bow your heads for the Man's Prayer.

EVERYONE: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Or get an upgrade. {pauses} Computer talk.

Explanations

 * Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is a repetitive-motion injury most frequently associated with the extended use of computer keyboards and mice.

Trivia

 * This is one of the only times Red doesn't end a Handyman Corner segment with his signature phrase, "If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."

Real-World References

 * The computer saying "You have mail" is a reference to America Online, an Internet service provider famous for its software, which audibly says "You've got mail!" when email has arrived.
 * Red refers to Dalton as "Mr. Gates", a reference to Bill Gates, co-founder of Microsoft.