The Dandruff Foundation/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

They say there's going to

be a big snowstorm tonight,

which means that if I want

to go anywhere tomorrow,

I'll have to shovel

out the driveway,

and of course I'll

have a heart attack,

and that'll lead to a big

argument with my wife about

adequate insurance coverage.

So to avoid all that

I've hooked up

a rig here, which I

think is absolutely brilliant.

Laid down a couple of

sheets of marine plywood,

and I got this rope running

from the centres

up through these pulleys

on the sides of the garage,

down to this

little ramp here.

Now, just imagine if this

was all covered with snow.

Let me show you

what happens.

[ cheering and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

Easy.

Yeah, boy, I appreciate that.

Well, I had a bit of a

discovery this week,

up at the lodge.

Apparently if you're

a club like we are,

and you associate yourself

with a charity of some kind,

you get all sorts of

treats from the government.

I mean, they will give us

tax refunds and grants,

and they'll stop

trying to close the lodge

and stop trying to send us

all up to baffin island.

So, uh, we've been in touch

with a bunch of charities.

So far no luck.

They're all saying they

don't need the money,

quite that bad.

Hey, red, looks like we got

ourselves a charity.

Yeah.

Great.

Which one?

Red cross,

salvation army,

daughters of

the empire, maybe?

Yeah, right.

No, red, this is one of the

lesser known charities.

It's the

dandruff foundation.

The dandruff

foundation?

Well, that's kind

of a let down;

although, you'd make

a great poster boy,

I'm thinking.

No, it's a real

dedicated group, red.

Have you heard

their campaign slogan?

It's all

on our shoulders.

And all they need from

the lodge is a cheque

for $500.00.

Pardon me?

$500.00 is the

minimum donation

that will qualify us as

an affiliated partner.

We don't have that

kind of money.

Do you think they'd accept

a '73 k-car as payment?

Maybe,

if you put 500 bucks in

the glove compartment.

Where are we going to come up

with that kind of cash, guys?

Well, why don't we sell

peanuts of chocolates,

door-to-door

like some of them

other charities?

You know a lot of people

will pay two bucks for a

50-cent candy bar

just to get you off

their property.

Now, you tell me what

kind of candy you want,

'cause I know a guy who

can get all the stuff

real cheap.

It isn't mike,

is it?

No, no, mike gets all

his stuff free.

I know, he steals it

from my store.

No, the guy I'm talking about

imports everything from china.

Oh, chinese

chocolate bar.

Sweet-and-sour

snickers?

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

and today's prize is

this aluminum bucket

from big bob's

bucket boutique.

All others "pail"

by comparison.

Hey, gord, you gotta

cover your ears now.

Gord!

Oh, right. Sorry.

Okay, mr green,

you've got 30 seconds

to get ranger gord

to say this word...

Yeah,

alright, mike.

And go!

Okay, gord,

working by yourself up

here at the fire tower,

makes you feel...

Omnipotent.

I would doubt that.

Sometimes I feel I'm

adrift on a sea of evil,

with only my animal cunning

and mighty physique

for protection.

I just said a lot

of words there, red.

Are you sure it wasn't

in there, somewhere?

No, it wasn't

in there.

Okay, no, this is

something that you feel

when no one

else is around.

[ laughter ]

that's a little

private, red.

No, no.

I know --

okay. When you haven't seen

other people for a long time,

you get...

An inflatable friend.

Oh, no, no.

Almost out of

time, mr green.

Okay, mike. Okay.

There was a big hit song for

paul anka, "I'm just a

something boy."

cabin?

No. No.

Okay, gord, what is

the worst part

about being up here in a

fire tower all by yourself?

Oh, well, sometimes

I wake up in the morning

with my nose filled

with mosquitoes.

So I'd have to say mosquitoes.

They're pretty bad.

Still, they keep my

from getting too lonely.

Hey!

[ ringing bell ]

[ applause ]

hi, winston rothschild here,

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

If roses are orange

and violets are black,

it sounds like your septics

are way out of whack.

Today on

talking animals,

local animal control

officer, ed frid,

is going to teach us

all about leeches.

C'mon.

Come on

up here, ed.

It's safe.

They're in a bucket.

Although I can

understand your hesitancy.

I mean, these

things are ugly,

black, disgusting worms,

and they stick on you

and suck your blood, right?

Yeah.

That's part of it.

Plus they have

32 brains.

No, I'm not kidding.

Every leech has

32 little brains.

Sounds like a

lodge meeting.

So what do you say, folks?

You wanna see a

leech or not?

[ cheering and applause ]

if you go on the internet you

can see lots of pictures

of leeches there.

Or visit your

local bait shop.

Come on, ed.

You brought in

a whole bucket.

Just get out one leech.

That's all I'm asking, eh?

Come on.

All right.

All right, okay.

I'm going to try and

get one out here.

Oh! Didn't get one

sorry.

They're quick.

They're very

quick, yeah.

I think there's

one on your arm there.

Yeah.

Oh boy!

Oh, that's a big one

oh my.

And it's getting bigger!

I think it's tapped

into an artery there.

At this point, you have

a couple of choices.

You could put

salt on the leech.

Red, would you happen to

have any salt handy?

Please.

Here's some salt.

Yeah, I've got some.

Oh, boy.

You know what?

I think you're just

making his thirsty.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

No, problem.

Oh, geez, I'm losing

a lot of blood.

Can I have

a cigarette?

Uh, no, but I can get

you a blindfold.

No, burning them

with a lit cigarette

is an effective way of

getting rid of leeches.

Oh, I don't smoke.

Maybe we should rush

you to a bingo hall.

You know, everybody enjoys

fireworks on a summer's night.

They can be expensive,

and some stores won't sell

them to you on a buy now

pay later deal.

Or maybe they've been warned

about you by the local

authorities.

So this time,

on handyman corner,

I'm going to show you how

you can make your own

fireworks display

using an old radio

and a bunch of screen doors.

This is a tube radio.

I'm sure you young people

don't know what that is.

But in my day, we had to turn

these babies on,

let them warm up

before they'd work.

That's how people in my

generation learned

to be patient.

Kids today, they just

expect everything to

turn on immediately,

that can be a real problem

during a honeymoon,

I'll tell you.

Now, we're going to

take the radio apart,

because all we need

is the transformer,

which is this heavy thing used

to step up the voltage.

It does that by induction.

I'm not quite sure

what that is,

but I've heard of

people being inducted.

I'm sure it's very similar.

Another thing you got to watch

for is the capacitors.

A capacitor can hold a charge

of several thousand volts

long after a

unit is unplugged.

Now, is that a capacitor,

or is that just a resistor?

I think I've

just been inducted.

Okay, I've got my

transformer out of there,

and I've attached the output

to my wall of screen doors.

I've got a wire

on each side.

I figure I've got about

100,000 volts running

through these babies.

I threw away the welcome

mats that came with them.

I didn't want to send

out a false message.

Now, all I got to do is

get myself comfortable.

Somewhere where I'll

have a good view.

This ought to be

perfect right over here.

There we go.

Now all I have to do is

plug in my transformer

and wait for the

fireworks to start.

Oh, I know.

Forgot to turn on

my lantern.

You need that

to attract the bugs.

( coughing )

that one smelled

like a bat.

You know, I know there

are a lot of factors

that go into making

up a human being.

But the main one

has to be chemistry.

And for a man the main chemical

ingredient has got to be

testosterone.

I mean, you take

an average man

and you greatly reduce the

testosterone in there,

and you'll either

get an ugly woman

or a guy who walks funny

and works in a harem.

Now, I know there are other

chemicals involved.

You got a tablespoon of bile;

you got a six-pack of barley;

you got a cubic foot of

b.S.; and a tank full of gas.

But the main one is

testosterone.

So we've got to

be real concerned

when we see negative

messages about testosterone;

for example,

animals being neutered.

Okay, I understand the

rationale about taking a pig

and lopping off his private

parts to fatten him up.

You know, the concept

being he'll eat more

when he has nothing

better to think about.

But, now, getting your dog

fixed to make him more

manageable,

that's a

dangerous precedent.

I'm thinking the odd time

you've probably chased a car.

Maybe barked at a neighbour.

Might've even have left

a little mess on the

floor sometimes.

The last thing you want is for

your wife to look at you

and then glance

over at the friendly,

manageable family dog

and start getting

crazy ideas, huh!

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in the together.

Hi, I'm winston rothschild

from rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

If you're blushin'

from all the flushin',

I'll come rushin'

to stop the gushin'.

This dandruff foundation

is kind of interesting.

Started by two guys who

had similar problems

and put their

heads together.

Probably a couple of flakes.

Red, got the chinese

candies for us to sell!

We got a deal

on them too!

What kind of

candy is it?

You know, I think it's

a type of licorice.

They have real unusual

ingredients over there,

so this is little different

licorice then we're used

to around here.

The colour looks okay.

How does it taste?

Oh, oh.

Good, fine.

Yeah, they don't look bad.

I've seen a lot worse stuff.

Although, I don't work at the

the input side of things.

[ laughter ]

well, uh, guys, you know if

we're going to sell these

to the public,

we better

taste them first.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah,

we could do that.

Nobody.

To start first?

So, who wants

well, we have to

do it together.

That's all there is to it.

Fair is fair.

All right.

Okay, sure. Fine.

Those are chewy.

I like them.

It's sort of an

unusual flavour.

What is that?

It's a

chinese taste.

It's either soy sauce

or firecrackers.

How much do you

think we should

charge people

for a box of

these things?

Oh, we got to

get two bucks a box.

As long as we don't let

them taste them first.

I think we'd better

go five bucks,

'cause we don't have many

potential customers,

and there's going to be

no repeat business.

You figured you asked all

the right questions.

Can I help you

with anything?

Are you sure?

You need?

Is there anything

are you sure

you're sure?

Then, you made the biggest

mistake of your life.

You took her at

her word.

See, she figures it's

obvious she needs

some help.

You figure, you asked,

she said no,

you're off

the hook, right?

Now the thermostat

just went down

25 degrees.

"no, I'm fine," didn't

mean, "no, I'm fine."

that's 'cause she said

it like, "no, I'm not fine."

see, she expects you to

listen to the way she

says the words,

not just the words.

You figured just listening

was a big step forward,

never mind interpreting.

And let's face it, you're

not getting any more

sensitive.

So here's a

rule of thumb...

If she locks herself alone

in the bathroom weeping,

that means she said the exact

opposite of what she meant.

So your excuse has to be you

meant the exact opposite

of what you said.

See, men and women have

been sending each other

that kind of misinformation

since the dawn of time.

It's called

communicating.

Don't thank us.

That's what

friends are for.

Had a bit of a tennis match

out by the lodge there.

Two against two.

A three-point game there.

A lot of

sportsmanship involved,

and dalton's going to

be the umpire for us.

Mike's ready and walter

can really fire that baby,

and then right through

and off the back

and it's in, it's in.

That's a point.

That's a point.

We got that one.

Little argument there.

Won't do you any good.

He saw it was in.

Well, hang on, mike.

Don't do that.

Well, there you go.

All right, serve again.

Now, watch this.

Walter can really

put a spin on a ball.

Watch the spin on this baby.

Now -- look, they think

the big one's coming.

That's right, get back.

Get back.

Back up.

Back up.

Back up.

Oh, too far.

Too far.

Come back.

There you go.

Put some spin on her, walter.

Put some spin on her.

Give her a good slice.

Look at this.

Just died.

Just died.

That's another point.

That's two.

One more point to go.

We got ourselves --

yeah, that was good.

It was good.

Oh, oh. It won't do

you any good.

Nope, leave

the ump alone.

Oh, that's gotta hurt.

That's gotta hurt.

No, I don't think winston

did it, somehow.

All right, point three.

This is game set match.

A high one.

Oh, it's a high one.

No, no, not yet.

Wait a minute.

There we go.

Got her.

Got her.

And that's out.

That's a game.

That's a game.

We got her.

Way to go.

Way to go, walter.

We nailed her.

And great umping

there, dalton.

Mike and winston

are so losers,

which is unfortunate.

Today on

up close and personal,

we're going to meet explosives

enthusiast, edgar montrose.

Get a chance to look at the

man behind the powder burns.

Edgar, maybe you could take

us back to the beginning,

when you were

growing up as a kid.

Oh, yeah. Well, red,

my father was an accountant,

and my mom was a librarian.

It was a very

quiet house,

up until my

seventh birthday.

That's when I got

the chemistry set.

Was it a

large house, edgar?

Well it got a little

smaller that day.

So you started experimenting

with explosives at a

very early age.

I would say so.

I kind of lost track

of time there.

I'd blow something up,

and then it might take a

while before I regained

consciousness.

But I got right

back at it.

I was curious to know where

things go when they explode.

And where

do they go?

A long way.

Once I filled my bicycle

handlebars with dynamite.

When I set that off it blew my

horn halfway to port asbestos.

You know, you can get

hurt having that kind

of fun, edgar.

Oh, I didn't do it

for fun, red.

It was educational.

I learned a lot.

For example, I learned that an

explosive is very strong,

stronger than,

say, a finger.

Oh, boy. That must

have been painful.

Oh, yeah.

They said they might have been

able to reattach the finger

after the explosion,

but it took too

long to come down.

You know, personally I would

never mess around with

dynamite.

That's 'cause you have

no idea what you're

doing, red.

I'm an artist.

When somebody wants

their house moved,

I can move that unit

right off the foundation

and stand it up on one

corner while the

plumbing drains

and then lay it sideways

on a flatbed truck.

And I'll tell you,

you haven't seen beauty

until you've seen a 60-foot

maple tree bouncing

end-over-end through

a canadian sunset.

All right, edgar.

Just a second.

We don't want to

be sending out the

wrong message here,

so to wrap it up why don't

you just look right into

the camera

give a little bit of advice

to any of the youngsters

that are watching us?

All right.

I'm just kidding.

That was a little

insincere, I think,

don't you?

Okay.

Don't fool around with

any type of explosives.

You need lots of training to

work with explosives,

and you need

a special permit,

which you can only get by

passing a rigorous

government test.

And why don't you show

them what the permit

looks like?

[ applause ]

well, licorice sales

have not been brisk.

I haven't sold any.

I don't think

winston's sold any.

Dalton sold 10 boxes

to moose thompson.

But, hey, with moose,

if you put enough hot sauce on

it, he'd eat a garden shed.

You know I kinda

like this licorice.

I must be getting

used to it.

Well, you're married

to anne-marie.

I think you could get

used to anything, dalton.

Hey, you guys.

I think I've figured out

why we're having so much

trouble selling this licorice.

Because it's expensive

and tastes like asphalt?

No, no. I was trying to sell

this stuff door-to-door,

and there was this chinese

exchange student staying at

buster hadfield's place.

He took one look

at this box and said,

"those letters don't

say licorice."

well, what do they say?

Earrings.

Red, we're in a

lot of trouble here.

We could be charged.

Well, how could

we be charged?

As accessories.

Oh, come on.

I don't

feel so good.

You know

your trouble?

You don't look good

with earrings.

What do we do now?

We do nothing.

We keep our mouths shut.

We can't go back to

the same customers

and sell them these

candies as jewellery now.

Well how are we going

to get that $500 to the

dandruff foundation?

We're not going

to get it to them.

They've got dandruff.

They can find their

own scratch.

[ possum squealing ]

away you go.

Well, meeting time.

This is so great,

isn't it?

Boy, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting

and I'm bringing

you a great gift,

50 boxes of earrings

all lefts.

And I know the guys

who left them.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of the whole gang

up here at possum lodge.

Keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

sit down, everybody.

Sit. Sit. Sit.

Come on in and sit down.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Okay, men,

the dandruff foundation

has a little research

project going.

So if any of you have dandruff

they would like you to give

them your head after

you pass on,

or you can send it over now,

if you're not using it.

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