Neither Rain Nor Sleet/Transcript

The complete script for Neither Rain Nor Sleet

Opening Scene
{The camera zooms out from a car door that's been severely dented and scratched.}

RED GREEN: One of the most maddening things in the world is to discover some brain-dead moron has taken his key and come down the side of your vehicle scratching the whole paint job. But here's a cheap, easy way to turn bad news into good news. {starts applying duct tape to the car} Take a little roll of duct tape there, and you can add a little bit of pizzazz to your vehicle while you're covering up the ugly scratch. Now, this scratch is gonna make a dandy racing stripe, but whatever shape the scratch is, you can use duct tape to cover it up.

''{Red moves to the back of the car, where the letters "CK OFF" are visibly spelled in duct tape strips. A shirt covers up whatever is before the C.}''

RED GREEN: It'll be your own little secret. The secret that every handyman knows, which is: Things aren't always what they seem.

''{Red picks up the shirt and walks away, revealing the letters "BA" in "BACK OFF". He then peeks back in.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Red Green Show! Ha ha ha! And now here's the man who once said, "I beg your pardon, I never promised you a Buick." Your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Got a little bit of advice for ya: If you happen to be in the market for a chainsaw, I would suggest that you stay away from the Swanson Prune Pal. I bought one of those... totally useless.

HAROLD GREEN: He used his Prune Pal to saw off the roof of a car.

RED GREEN: Of course, then they try to stiff me on the warranty. But we got over that hurdle.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha! Oh yeah, you sure did! You showed them! Ha ha ha! He lied! Yeah, he said it wouldn't cut? He didn't mention that it wouldn't cut through sheet metal. AaaaaaAA!

RED GREEN: Anyway, the company says they sent me back a refund check about a month ago, and where is it? Well, it's trapped inside our useless postal system. That's where it is.

HAROLD GREEN: Did you even bother to check the mail?

RED GREEN: {annoyed} Harold, I check the mail every day. {Harold puts down his switcher and walks behind Red} Yeah, every letter, I look at everything, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {picks up a pile of mail and holds it up} So I guess these just slipped through the cracks, did they? I mean, look at this, {starts sorting through the mail} you've got a Visa bill, you got a, uh... oh, an electric bill. Gas bill. Tax department. Sheriff's department. Ed McMahon. Ed McMahon. {pauses} Ed McMahon...

RED GREEN: Harold, the letter's not there, all right? I tell ya, the postal system in this country is an embarrassment.

HAROLD GREEN: {picks out a letter} There it is.

RED GREEN: What? {takes the letter} For gosh sake! Well, that's great, Harold, but you know what? The system still stinks, Harold. Y'know? I got a good mind to start my own postal system. {taps the letter}

HAROLD GREEN: {starts laughing, then, sarcastically} You got a good mind. {laughs more}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game, and tonight's contestant will be playing for a free coupon for one of these Dirt Sucker vaccuums.

''{Harold turns on a hand vacuum, which immediately sucks up the coupon. Harold starts to panic, then gets his chin caught in the nozzle. Red yanks the vacuum off of him and turns it off. Harold pauses to regain his composure.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Prizes are inside. Tonight's contestant is Mr. Mike Hamar!

''{Mike waves. Harold exercises and massages his chin for a moment.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Mike Hamar {Mike covers his ears} to say this word: {holds up a sign} Lawn. Lawn.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {sets the sign down} Go! {Mike listens intently}

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, the thing around a house.

MIKE HAMAR: Alarm system?

RED GREEN: No, no, this is flat on the ground, spread out.

MIKE HAMAR: Me getting arrested?

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, you know the place you live in now? What have you got out at the front?

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, tires? A rusty bike? Shopping carts?

RED GREEN: No.

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, a Camaro on cement blocks? A Trans-Am on wooden blocks? A Ford pickup on fire?

RED GREEN: No, all right, all right. Under the vehicles, what have you got?

MIKE HAMAR: Dogs.

RED GREEN: No no, this is kind of a fuzzy green thing.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, that old sick cat? I think he's got a disease because the dogs won't bite him no more.

RED GREEN: No, I'm saying, under the dogs and the sick cat, you've got what?

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, uh, oh! Uh, Astroturf? Uh, sod?

RED GREEN: Oh, you're so close! Come on, come on!

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, how about some grass?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you're almost out of time, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, you said a bunch of grass, okay? If you have a bunch of grass, you get...

MIKE HAMAR: Two years less a day?

{Harold shakes his head}

Plot Segment 2
{Red walks into the Lodge with a trash can strapped across his shoulder}

RED GREEN: Well, we got our postal service up and running! {chuckles} Yeah, Buster Hadfield was the first one to sign up.

HAROLD GREEN: That's only because the real postal service won't deliver to his house.

RED GREEN: Oh, no, that's right. The mailman said he won't go back there until Buster gets his dog neutered. {chuckles} I tell ya, nothing that comes in the mail is worth that.

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies red by clicking two spoons together}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, Dusty Farnes was a wiry codger,
 * Blind in one eye and half lame.
 * People say he was born in a barn
 * And raised in a poker game.
 * One day he tried to drink all the beer in the Lodge.
 * We thought he was only bluffin'.
 * But when he was done, we said, "You musta been dry,"
 * He said, "They don't call me Dusty for nothin'!"

Handyman Corner
{Red walks in front of a yard full of tools and junk.}

RED GREEN: Yeah, after fifty years of over-eating and under-achieving, you start worrying that someday your heart's gonna go off like a warm can of pop in an earthquake. There is a way to avoid this scenario. Change your diet, or maybe get involved with a physical fitness program. But hey, {laughs} who're we kidding? {laughs again, reaches an area with a table and the Handyman Corner sign} So this week on Handyman Corner, gonna show you how to make your very own pacemaker. {pulls out a small balloon} First thing you wanna do is start off with one of those here balloons, {stretches the balloon} the long, wiener-shaped kind, not the round kind.

''{Red starts trying to blow into the balloon. Wipe to a later scene where he has finally managed to fully inflate it.}''

RED GREEN: {winded} That's got 'er. Boy, I hope that was a balloon. All right, now we're gonna use this to check our pulse. Normally, you're supposed to use your wrist, but again, after decades of lifting cheeseburgers and large drafts, your wrist can get pretty thick and your pulse gets buried way down deep in there. So we're gonna check our pulse in our neck. See, as you get older, now, your blood starts to pick and choose where in the body it's gonna go. But it'll always go to your brain. If yours doesn't, you're probably not watching this anyway. {grabs the end of the balloon with both hands} You know that little sound that a balloon makes when you let the air out slowly? {stretches the end of the balloon to let small amounts of air out, causing it to make squeaking noises} Okay, we're gonna use that sound to count our heartbeats. {starts stuffing the balloon into his shirt next to his neck} What you wanna do is snug the balloon in under your collar. If it's a little too loose, just blow her up a bit. Or if you're a little short on cash, just leave the balloon in there, you can sue somebody for whiplash! {laughs, then the balloon pops} Ooh! {flinches and holds a hand over his ear} Or sue the balloon maker. Boy, the heart's racing now! {walks off}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is stuffing another balloon under his collar.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, in a second, this balloon is gonna start pulsing along with my heart. But the first thing you wanna do is be able to record that sound for your pulse. {picks up a portable tape recorder} Get yourself one of these little cassette recorder deals off a teenager while they're asleep, say, during class? All right, now, you set that on record, {presses a button on the recorder} and start 'er pulsing. {starts squeaking the balloon in a regular rhythm at the recorder} Sounds like Harold when he was a kid.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is holding both the now-empty balloon and the tape recorder.}''

RED GREEN: Now, you don't need a lot of that. Half hour's plenty. {sets down the recorder and balloon} All right, what you need now is to get yourself one of these digital clocks that displays seconds, all right. {holds up an old alarm clock} Now, you play back your tape, {starts the tape recorder playing back the squeaking sounds from earlier} and you adjust the clock {begins adjusting the clock} so that you're getting a pulse every... second. There we go. {stops the recorder} Now what I've got is I've got the digital clock set to my very own, personal heartbeat. This brings me to the final step, wiring the digital clock up to my heart. {points to a wire sticking out of the back of the clock} All right, what I've done there is I've got a wire running off the back of the digital readout, {sets the clock down, holds onto the other end of the wire} then I just take the other end and hook it up to the heart region of my lungal area, {picks up a soldering iron} by soldering it through a couple of adjacent chest hairs.

''{Red touches the soldering iron to his chest through the top of his shirt, gasping in pain as he does so. Wipe to a later scene. Red has the clock strung around his neck and is fanning himself. A regular beeping rhythm is heard.}''

RED GREEN: You'll wanna have a couple of aspirins before you do this. But anyway, she's done, {sets down the soldering iron and starts walking} and now tiny electrical jolts from this digital unit are gonna keep my heart running like clockwork. When people say "How's the old ticker?", I don't have to do some bad, dirty joke anymore. So remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{The beep suddenly goes constant. Red looks alarmed and starts checking himself.}''

RED GREEN: Man, am I dead? {looks at the clock} Oh, no, just on snooze. {walks away}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to you older guys who've reached that age where you just don't understand how anything works anymore. Like, say you wanna phone a friend, eh? Used to be, if he wasn't home, he just wouldn't answer. You know what happens now, don't you, eh? You get the voicemail! It tells you to press the pound sign. So you say to yourself, okay, what's the pound sign? L-B! You look at your phone, I haven't got any "L-B" here. I got "Mem", "Del", "Shift", "Save", "Hold", "Mute", no L-B! And now you feel like an idiot! But it's not you, it's them. You know, them. The people who change things just to bug you. Remember in the old days when you had a record player and all you had to figure out was whether to put it on thirty-three and a third or forty-five RPM? And the size of the record was a big hint. And now what have they got? They've got graphic equalizers, they got Dolby 5.1 and so on. Hey, if your ears can't tell the difference between AM and FM, what do you need with dual-mono pre-amplifiers, electrostatic hybrid speakers and non-metallic carbon-fiber interconnects? Hey? Yeah, oh yeah! Here, you gotta feel better about this. You're not a complete moron living back in the stone ages there. I'll tell you something, all that old technology's gonna come right back. Man, you know they went to the digital watches, big big deal now, they're all back to the sweeping thing again. I bet in six months they're gonna come out and say that Beta is way better than VHS! And I'll be riding the crest of that wave, lemme tell ya! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
''{Red walks into the lodge carrying two garbage cans, one of which is full of mail. As he walks, he accidentally dumps mail all over the floor.}''

RED GREEN: I'm telling ya, this home-made mail system is working out great. You gotta help me out with this, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I'd like to. I'd love to! It's just that I have this thing about being laughed at?

RED GREEN: Harold, you're not gonna be laughed at. I'm doing it. You think I'm being laughed at?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes.

RED GREEN: Oh come on, Harold, look at all these letters! I'm telling you, this idea is really working.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha. {walks over to Red and looks at the mail} You got fifty cents for each one of these letters?

RED GREEN: No, this is my free introductory offer. But I'm– you gotta see the demand is there. Come on, Harold, you gotta help me deliver these.

HAROLD GREEN: I can't! I can't, I've got an essay due on the importance of culture in modern society, and there's a two-hour Xena: Warrior Princess coming on in two hours, so...

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold... You know, Harold, the two of us working together, we'd get this done in no time. You know, you always say to me, "Uncle Red, I'd really like to do something together", eh? You always say that, huh? Huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I guess, yeah. {smiles} Okay, okay, okay, all right.

RED GREEN: Great! {sets down the full trash can} That one's yours. {walks to the door with the empty one.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

New Member Night
''{Red stands in front of a group of Possum Lodge members in the basement. Standing with him are Ranger Gord and another man.}''

RED GREEN: All right, men, this is New Member Night, and Ranger Gord has a guy he wants to propose as a new member. {looks at Gord's guest} Scary. Gord?

RANGER GORD: Thank you very much, Red. Thank you, men of Possum Lodge. You know, it's not often that I come to you looking for a special favor or consideration. Well, maybe that one time when I was on fire from lightning... oh, and that time that hand puppet got stuck. Anyway. Tonight, I'm here to ask you to open your lodge– no, to open your hearts to Birchum J. Merdim. Bert and I have become quite close since his mom kicked him out of the house last year. We actually have gone hiking every weekend, and lemme tell you something here, and I hope you don't mind this. Bert has a first and last name for every shrub between here and Port Asbestos. {knocks on the podium} Think about that, huh? That's dedication. So what do you say, guys, can he join?

{Nobody raises their hands.}

RANGER GORD: Guys? Can he join?

RED GREEN: {stands up slowly} Um, Gord, if Bert joins the Lodge, will he be taking you out every day, hiking and away from the Lodge?

RANGER GORD: Yeah, absolutely.

RED GREEN: All those in favor?

''{Everyone raises their hands enthusiastically. Gord and Red each shake Bert's hand.}''

Plot Segment 4
''{Red quickly runs into the Lodge with dogs barking outside. His garbage can is beaten up.}''

RED GREEN: {edging back toward the door} Harold, get your can in here!

''{The door opens and Red pulls the second garbage can inside, then shuts the door again. The second can is even more beat up than the first. Red walks to the center of the room with both cans. Harold struggles to get inside the Lodge, then staggers up next to Red.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, you wanna talk about stress in the workplace!

HAROLD GREEN: We got a serious flaw in our plan, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: I'll tell you the problem. I'm not thinking big enough!

HAROLD GREEN: No, the problem is you're not thinking often enough.

RED GREEN: Oh, no no. We got people paying fifty cents apiece to deliver a letter, right? What if we charge 'em a dollar not to deliver a bill to them, huh? And then maybe five bucks, they don't get any junk mail for the whole year.

HAROLD GREEN: {sarcastically} Yeah! And then we can pay ten thousand dollars to post bail!

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: It's a federal offense to withhold mail, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Oh, I'm not withholding mail. Uh, I'm distilling it.

HAROLD GREEN: What if a guy pays fifty cents to deliver a bill, right? And the other guy pays, like, a dollar not to receive that bill. What have we got?

RED GREEN: We've got a bidding war, Harold. I'm telling you, man, we're gonna be rolling in it!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah! I just wish it was money.

{Red sighs dramatically, picks up the garbage cans, and starts heading back for the door.}

The Experts
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Experts portion of the show, that part of the show where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say:

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: Haha! Way to go, okay! Joining Uncle Red in this part of the show is his best friend in the whole wide room, Mr. Mike Hamar! {Mike waves to the audience} Welcome! {takes out a letter} Mike's up here trying to live down his criminal past, but everyone just keeps bringing it up. Sorry. {Mike looks embarrassed.} We have a letter from a viewer in Oregon, and the viewer writes, "Dear Experts," {gestures toward Red and Mike} "I just received an invitation to go back to my home town for a high school reunion. If I don't go, people will just assume my life is a mess, I'm fat and ugly and I'm a failure and I'm ashamed of my life. Whereas if I do go, people will know for sure. What can I do?"

MIKE HAMAR: What you do is, you go to the reunion, but you arrive late. And you send your wife into the reunion hall.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, well, what if you're not married?

MIKE HAMAR: Then you send in one of your kids. {Harold stares at the camera for a moment} So they go into the hall, and they go to the table with all the name tags on them, right? And they scan the name tags left lying there. And then they come up to the car and they tell you who didn't show. And then you really quickly decide who was the person you hated the most? And then you go in there and you pick up their name tag and pretend to be them!

HAROLD GREEN: That– That's the most outrageous plan I ever heard! You know, it'd probably work, too, wouldn't it?

MIKE HAMAR: I did this! Remember, Mr. Green? At our high school reunion, I dress– I sorta pretended that I was the class president, Wally Kibler, and everybody was going, "Boy, Wally, you've changed!" And I said, "Oh, it was all that hard living and drinking that did it to me, right?" And then I made up a whole bunch of stuff about what a loser I was and how I ended up in jail for a series of petty crimes and so on and so forth. Really pitiful, eh? And then I said, "Did you hear about Mike Hamar? He married a supermodel and he's now the head of Chrysler! I always knew that guy would go far!"

RED GREEN: Y'know, actually, Mike, it didn't work all that well. Y'know, everybody knew it was you because they either had been on the jury or testified at your trials.

HAROLD GREEN: It's also unfortunate that you chose the fellow who's now the mayor.

MIKE HAMAR: The mayor? Boy, he's sure looking rough.

Plot Segment 5
''{A police car pulls up outside the Lodge. Red and Harold get out and walk into the Lodge looking defeated.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I guess starting up our own postal system was not entirely a risk-free venture. But I think, y'know, I think we proved our point.

HAROLD GREEN: {incredulously} Proved–? What point's that? What point would that be!? The point that crime doesn't pay? One size handcuffs fits all? Being frisked isn't as much fun as it looks? What point is that!? We got charged with a federal misdemeanor, a five-hundred dollar fine, {sadly} and now I have a criminal record!

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, you know, it's gonna make you more popular at school.

HAROLD GREEN: OH, AS IF!

RED GREEN: Oh all right, Harold, what are you saying? You saying I should just go on, to get along, Harold? Huh? You can't fight city hall, is that it?

HAROLD GREEN: Right! You can't! Lawyers can, millionaires can, you can't! You fight city hall, we end up in city jail!

RED GREEN: {puts up his hands} All right, then, fine. You know what? I'll do nothing. Will that make you happy? Eh? If I stop taking part in trying to make this a better world to live in, Harold? Is that what you want?

HAROLD GREEN: {exasperated} That's all I've ever wanted, Uncle Red!

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time!

RED GREEN: Just a minute, just a minute, c'mon. {starts patting Harold's shoulder} Think about it, huh? Wasn't it a little bit fun? Huh? {chuckles} You've always wanted to ride around in a police car with that little siren going, haven't you? {chuckles again}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs with Red} Yeah, yeah. {seriously} Just not from the back seat with a coat over my head. {walks for the stairs}

RED GREEN: {to the camera} Okay, if my wife is watching, uh, looks like I'm not going to be coming straight home after the meeting tonight. I'm hoping to come straight home after the arraignment. And, uh, better put some money aside in case the court levies a fine. Unless they mail it to me! {to the audience} And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. {waves and heads for the stairs}

''{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Red walks over next to Harold.}''

HAROLD GREEN: All rise.

{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. ''{The men sit down. Harold remains standing.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, our first announcement, we had a little mix-up in our mail system recently, and apparently a letter that was supposed to go to Susie McClintock went to somebody else. If anybody has that letter, would they please return it to me immediately, as it contains comments of a highly personal nature. {stands silently in front of the men}