Adopt-A-Highway

Possum Lodge unexpectedly adopts a tough stretch of highway, and Red plans to use it to his advantage.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Adventures With Bill, If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying

DVD: The Red Green Show – 1997 Season

Transcript
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now here's a man who's forgotten more about rational behavior than he ever knew, your hero! Your host! My uncle! {pointing to Lodge front door} Red Green!

''{Red enters the Lodge and waves to everyone. The audience applauds.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you very much, appreciate it. Big, big week up at the Lodge this week: we had our remote control lawn mower races. Talk about fun, especially for the winner, or as we call him, the guy who still has his toes.

''{Red raises his right foot. His shoe has been cut off at the toe area, exposing his socked toes. Red chuckles.}''

HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, I coulda told ya that wasn't gonna work. {to audience} I coulda told him that wasn't gonna work. {back to Red} Because you know what it is? 'Cause most remote control frequencies, they're all the same, right? So what happens is that makes your lawn mowers go all crazy and wacky like they get. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Was there much personal serious injuries?

RED GREEN: Well... yes and no, Harold. Buster Hadfield escaped with just a trim, but Junior Singleton was pretty well mowed and mulched. Yeah. Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Shouldn't you be down at the hospital extending them your best wishes?

RED GREEN: No, that would be an admission of guilt, Harold. Besides, uh, my presence has been requested at a meeting at a town council. I got some 'splainin' to do.

HAROLD GREEN: You want a ride down?

{Suddenly, they hear the sound of a siren outside.}

RED GREEN: Won't be necessary, Harold, there's my ride now. {turns and leaves}

Title Sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Red watching Bill trying to uproot a stump using a rope tied to a nearby house, a chain attached to the Possum Van and a hook. Bill tugs on the hook, only to see the house move an inch.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here are a few scenes from this particular show, and, uh... I don't like to hike ya too much, but by golly...

{Cut to Edgar emptying out a bag full of sawdust and splintered wood onto a workbench for Red.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...if this doesn't wanna make you watch this show, then, well...

{Cut to Red taking a bathtub and some pipes out of the back of the Possum Van.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...you obviously have a life.

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the Lodge, looking pleased.}

RED GREEN: Well, Possum Lodge didn't get off too bad there on the lawn mower fiasco. Town council didn't fine us or anything, they just forced us to adopt a highway. So now we are the proud custodians of the three-mile stretch up at the far end of the lake.

HAROLD GREEN: You adopted Orphan's Bend?

RED GREEN: Yes, we did, Harold, and we got some big, big, big plans for her: we're gonna jack up the speed limit, ban seniors and throw a toll booth in there.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, no, no! You're not supposed to do it like that, Uncle Red. No, no, no. Your job is to keep that piece of the highway clean and safe. Haw! Yeah, like one time, in our junior rangers troop. But one summer, right, we adopted a highway, too, and for the high, entire summer, that was our job. But on the very first day– very first day– very first day, I cleaned up all– more cups and tin cans than anybody else! So for the remainder of the month, I got to clean up the entire highway while everybody else went to the swimming pool!

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, that's terrible.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, I still came. My mum wouldn't let me go to the swimming pool. And you know, everybody flicks their towels and stuff, you know. That could interfere with my ability to... You know.

RED GREEN: Walk?

HAROLD GREEN: {annoyed} No, not walk! {leans in close to his uncle's ear and whispers something in it}

RED GREEN: {shocked} Reproduce?!

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! You know, that can happen; I pray a lot.

RED GREEN: You know, Harold, I'm thinking you can use a little exercise, eh? Why don't you come on up to the highway and help us clean up just for a little while, eh?

HAROLD GREEN: {removing his switcher} Oh, yeah! I can– I can do that! I got some spare time!

RED GREEN: Alright, and when you get up there, Harold, just clean it up as fast as you can. Don't talk to the other guys, all right?

{They both turn and head out the front door.}

HAROLD GREEN: How come?

RED GREEN: 'Cause they'll kill you, Harold.

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Oh, the devil challenged Evel Knieval
 * To a contest of impossible jumps.
 * The winner would get a hell of a prize
 * And the loser would take his lumps.
 * Oh, they jumped a canyon, a mountain, and a lake,
 * And a field of hungry boll weevils.
 * And the devil discovered, to his surprise,
 * He was the lesser of two Evels.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game, {pull back to reveal Red and Dalton sitting at card table} and if you love British cars, then you're gonna love tonight's grand prize: {holds up business card} a business card from Flinty's Towing! All right, Uncle Red, you have 30 seconds to get Mr. Dalton Humphrey to say this word...

{Dalton covers his ears while Harold holds up a sign displaying the word "Paranoid".}

HAROLD GREEN: Paranoid. Paranoid.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: {setting sign on table and stepping back} Go! {Dalton uncovers his ears}

RED GREEN: All right, Dalton, persecution complex.

DALTON HUMPHREY: A courthouse.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, that's a prosecution complex. Okay, if you're suspicious of everyone for absolutely no apparent reason, then you would say that's being...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...normal.

RED GREEN: Alright, alright, let's say you're negative, with no contact with reality whatsoever. That would be...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...my daughter.

RED GREEN: Let's go another way on this, Dalton, okay? You got two slippers; that makes a...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...pair.

RED GREEN: Okay, someone bugs you, you get...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...annoyed.

RED GREEN: Put 'em together, put 'em together.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You say someone's stealing my slippers to annoy me? {Red puts his head in his hand in frustration} You know, it's probably my neighbor! You know, because he's trying to get me. He thinks I sneak into his house at night and rearrange his furniture.

RED GREEN: {brightening up} All right, and he thinks that way because he's...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...caught me doing it.

{Red gets annoyed again and waves at Dalton dismissively.}

Handyman Corner
''{The Possum Van drives up at the Handyman Corner sign and stops, knocking it over in the process. Red gets out of the van.}''

RED GREEN: You know how every once in a blue moon, the world gives you credit? Huh? {chuckles} Happens to me once every year. You know, on that special garbage day when people can put out anything they want of any size, and the garbage collectors have to take it. {walks around behind van} Well, that's the day everybody wishes they had a van like mine. Take a look at this. {opens back doors, revealing various pipes, tubs and spigots} Wait till you see here, huh? Bathtubs, showers, nozzles, drains, U-joints. Now, I suppose you could use this stuff to put a guest bathroom in your house. What'll that get ya? Guess! {reaches inside and pulls on a bathtub} I look at this stuff, I see cooking over charcoal! That's right, a "bathecue"!

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Want to take a minute and talk to some of you older fellas out there. Maybe another driver called you a moron. Maybe had a run-in with a bad sales clerk. Maybe an annoying coworker or even a rotten relative. You start asking yourself the question, "Am I totally surrounded by stupid people?" The answer, of course, is, yes. Oh, yeah. You know, you're one of the last smart people in the whole world. Now, kids today don't know near as much as you did when you were their age. Every generation of relatives is denser than the last. Heck, they're not even making dogs as smart as they used to. Oh, yeah. You, sir, are the last outpost of intelligence. So you let them call you an idiot and you let them laugh at you, eh? Who's the guy that got 17 years outta that car, huh? Who's the guy with the greenest lawn on the street? And aren't you the one who got all your Christmas shopping done in July? At a yard sale? So who's the idiot now, eh? Who's the moron now? And if you're as smart as you think you are, you won't answer those questions. Remember, us morons are pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Real-World References

 * Red's song about the devil and Evel Knieval is a parody of a song by the Charlie Daniels Band called "The Devil Went Down To Georgia", about a boy named Johnny who is challenged by the devil to a fiddle-playing contest.
 * A Dust Buster is a cordless vacuum made by Black & Decker.

Famous People

 * Red's campfire song involves daredevil Evel Knieval.