The New Statue/Transcript

The complete transcript for The New Statue

Opening Words
''{Text appears on screen: "Women build friendships. Men build statues." An engine is heard humming while the sounds of clanking go on.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"The New Statue" appears as Harold sings briefly} Here's a laugh in the woods today! You're in for a big surprise! {stops singing} And now, here's the man who turned that poor little song into an ominous warning, my uncle, your host,{pointing to front door} Red Green! Ha-ha!

{The front door of the lodge opens and Red enters, waving to the audience, who cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you. Thank you very much. {holds up both hands to wave down applause} Thank you, appreciate your coming here. {rubs hands together} I had a little accident up at the lodge this week.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Little?! Yeah, right! Junior Singleton blew the roof {gestures offscreen with his thumb} right off his garage! {giggles} Little!

RED GREEN: {holds up index finger} Yeah, but he learned something: you never jumpstart a barbecue. And luckily, you know, the roof landed completely intact – upside-down, of course – in Possum Lake. And here's the kicker: she floats.

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! So get this, right? Because the roof is the only thing the lodge members have that doesn't leak, including themselves, they're gonna turn it into a boat! {nods and giggles}

RED GREEN: Yeah, Harold, not just any boat – a fan boat. {makes motions with his hands to visually describe what's happening} Yeah, we've mounted a Dodge Slant-6 on the back there. Got a helicopter rotor on there vertically. Put the whole unit in where the eavestrough joins the soffit. You know, where the bird's nest was there. And we're just gonna try it now, so stay tuned. {starts heading for the front door}

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, you can either watch it here on television or just go down to our nearest hospital and {points out the window} meet the guys there in about an hour. {giggles as Red stops and stares at Harold}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Red struggling to hold up a patio umbrella.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Today's show's about insects. I'm gonna show you how to make a bug repeller.

{Cut to Red with Ranger Gord, who is trying to catch a fly.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Ranger Gord is gonna be tagging houseflies.

{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game, where Harold is trying to get Dougie Franklin to say "Cheat".}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} 'Course, Harold's gonna be bugging everybody, includin' Dougie.

{Cut to Red, who is hidden behind a fog cloud of some kind.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'll show you how to deal with insecticide.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
''{Red walks up to the card table, where Harold and Dougie Franklin are seated. Red has something behind his back.}''

RED GREEN: All right, they tell me this is the big one. For the grand prize of an '82 Lauda and four sets of jumper cables.

''{Red then takes out what he's holding behind his back: a sign with the word "Cheat" written on it. He holds it up to Harold.}''

RED GREEN: Harold, you have thirty seconds to get Dougie Franklin to say this word... {holds up sign to the camera and mouths the word on it while pointing to the word, then sets sign down} And go.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, um, uh... Uh... {stammers briefly} Deceive.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: The boss.

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, mislead?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Advertise?

HAROLD GREEN: {makes a hammering motion with his hand as he tries to think} All right, uh... Okay, all right, if you looked at this card now, that would be...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: ...faster. {looks at Red smugly, who smiles at him}

HAROLD GREEN: Yes, yes, but you'd be disqualified because you...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: ...got caught.

{Harold makes a smacking motion with his hand in frustration.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, okay, all right, all right, uh... y-y-you debunk somebody, you stack the deck, y-y-you, uh... Y-y-you... Fraud, uh, that's... That's...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Business. {Harold groans in frustration}

RED GREEN: {nods} All right, Dougie, but if somebody does that to you...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Oh, they're a dirty cheat!

RED GREEN: There you go, Harold.

''{Red rings the bell on table, ending the game. He and Dougie both shrug and Red gestures toward Harold.}''

Commercial bumper
{Bill continues to try in vain to get his car started, using a hand crank to turn the motor over manually.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned, Bill is all cranked up and nowhere to go.

Red's Handyman Tips
''{Red stands behind a worktable. He holds up a wood file.}''

RED GREEN: {somewhat annoyed} Alright, this here is a wood file. It's called a coarse bastard file. That's right, coarse bastard! It says right there: "coarse bastard". So Stinky, if you're watching this, it's you who owes me an apology!

Commercial bumper
{Red and Winston Rothschild are sitting on a two-person couch together.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned for my buddy, Winston Rothschild, the king of pumps.

Plot Segment 6
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You heard of murphy's law?

This place should be called

murphy's lodge.

You're gonna have to pay

for that statue, you know.

Oh, harold.

They go to start that motor

on the helicopter thing,

but the fan-boat

didn't go anywhere,

'cause it never was floating.

It was wedged on a sandbar!

Harold, harold.

I'll tell the story.

Moose thompson figures

it needs more gas,

so he gives it more throttle

and more throttle...

And... More throttle.

That's clever, isn't it?

If something's gonna go wrong,

let's have it happen

at maximum velocity.

Exactly -- the fan-boat

still doesn't move.

The backwash from the prop

whips across town,

lifts the billboard

right off the main highway.

This picture of a smiling cow

on a unicycle

is flying through the sky.

That's not gonna sell

much milk.

No.

Suddenly, boom! Lands

in the centre of town.

Flattened the statue

of some guy.

That's not "some guy".

That's ezra banger.

He's the first citizen

in possum lake

to wangle a government grant.

He got $35 to kill mosquitoes

with a hammer.

Yeah, but you said

the fan-boat would work

and it didn't, so

♪ you made a mistake ♪

♪ you made a mistake ♪

what are you

talking about?

You did something stupid.

Now you gotta pay.

♪ you made a mistake ♪

all right, fine, I admit it.

I made a mistake,

but so did your parents.

♪ you made

a mistake ♪

♪ you made

a mistake ♪

harold, I'm armed.

They tell me

this is the big one.

For the grand prize

of an '82 lada

and four sets of jumper cables,

harold, you have 30 seconds

to get dougie franklin

to say this word.

And go.

Uh... Uh... D-d-deceive.

... The boss.

Uh, mislead?

Advertise?

All right, uh...

Ok, all right,

if you looked at this card now,

that

would be...

... Faster.

(audience laughing)

yes, but you'd be disqualified

because you...

... Got caught.

Mmmmm!

Uh, ok, all right.

Y-y-you debunk somebody,

you stack the deck,

y-y-you, uh...

Y-y-you... Fraud,

uh, that's...

That's...

Business.

Ohhhh!

But if somebody does that

to you...

They're a

dirty cheat.

There you go, harold.

(ringing bell)

(applause)

♪ buttons were flying

everywhere ♪

♪ a belt buckle bounced

off the mat ♪

♪ a zipper ricocheted

off the fishbowl ♪

♪ suspenders sprang

at the cat ♪

♪ there's a lesson

to be learned here ♪

♪ you might want

to take down a note ♪

♪ you can have extra helpings

or bend over ♪

♪ but you obviously

can't do both ♪

you know, hearing how

ezra banger got himself

his own statue

just for killing mosquitoes

has me thinking

that if a person found

a better way to kill bugs,

they could not only get rich,

they'd get more dates.

I thought I'd take this week's

"handyman corner"...

Show you how you can tell

the insects to bug off.

All right, this thing is called

a fogging machine.

Hope that came out right.

The way that works is

you fill her full of pesticide

and then you blast out

this toxic crap,

killing all the mosquitoes.

If you kill all the mosquitoes

in your area,

you're gonna take out

every other form of life.

Instead of that, I say

we just... (coughing)...

We concentrate on mosquitoes

flying in your face

and biting you where

you thought nothing ever would.

Get yourself one of these

aluminum lawn chairs

and an electric drill

and get busy.

There we go.

I can go out

in the worst mosquito weather.

I just sit down,

get comfortable, turn on

my mosquito fogger, which is

hooked up to the chair

and runs through the holes.

Give her a couple of seconds

to kind of warm up.

Soon, that insecticide fog

is gonna...

(coughing)

the beauty of this system is

you don't have to put

any insect repellant on.

You don't have to worry

about taking toxic chemicals...

(coughing)

... In through your skin.

(coughing)

oh... Uh, yeah, all right.

Uh, those who are allergic

to the ragweed or the pollen

or the (coughing) d.D.--

(coughing) or the d.D.--

(coughing) or the d.D.T.,

you might want

a mechanical solution.

You know how the horse has

a tail and they flip that

and it pushes bugs away?

In australia, they got hats

with corks on 'em.

They flip them around

to keep didjeridus

and wallabies

off their billabongs.

You can do the same thing

by taking one

of these patio umbrellas

and a washing machine.

All you do is hang

your various little trinkets

on the edge of the umbrella

and then hook her up.

(music mimicking

a ticking clock)

(grunting)

all right, there we go.

I got my doodads duct-taped

to the umbrella.

I got the umbrella duct-taped

to the washing machine.

She's all set --

let's give her a try.

Well, there it is.

People will be talking

about you all over town.

They'll say, "it's just like

a flicking horse's behind!"

or words to that effect.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Uh-oh, spin cycle!

The town council will replace

the statue we destroyed

with our fan-boat.

We're in the wrong business.

Sculptors are getting thousands

for doing nothing.

Nothing?!

It takes a lot of talent

to turn a hunk of rock

into a human face.

Mother nature did it with you.

(audience laughing)

... Or close

enough.

We don't need

any starving artist

trying to rip everybody off

while they wait

for another renaissance.

We're gonna build

a statue ourselves.

I could build a sculpture

pretty cheap.

In cubs, I'd make ashtrays out

of asbestos for father's day.

The leaders figured

if they smoke,

asbestos won't be hurting them.

Thanks anyway, harold,

but we've already decided.

Take a look at this.

Huh? See that, eh?

We're gonna have a giant possum

in front of the mayor's office,

looking dead.

Talk about life imitates art.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

You guys think you can do

everything until you try it.

You think you can't do anything

and you prove it.

That's right--

(applause)

ok, what have you got today,

ranger gord?

Well, today, red, ladies

and gentlemen, I'm performing

one of my most favourite tasks

as a ranger --

tagging wildlife.

Sometimes I'll be tagging moose

or bear, but today,

I'm doing the trickiest

of all -- I'm tagging flies.

The first thing we do

is lure them close.

It's a shame

stinky peterson isn't here.

I have this green pork chop.

(fly buzzing)

oh, there we go!

(buzzing)

got him!

Nice work!

No, it's a her.

Oh, boy!

I'm going to be taking

one of these tags.

If you'd take down the details,

please, red?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fire away.

Now, it is a female blackfly,

tag number 22395...

22395...

No discernible markings.

I got it.

To make sure the tag stays on,

we'll use this stapler.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, no.

It's on there.

I killed it, red.

I killed

one of nature's wonders.

No, no, come on...

No, no, no.

No, she's fine, gord --

flew away.

Flying right as rain.

She flew away?

Yeah, just had to get used

to the tag's weight.

Oh! Ok, great.

Well, let's do

number 22396, huh?

For dinner, I'll fry us

some pork chops.

(fly buzzing)

ok.

I don't mind people offering

opinions on our sculpture,

but I don't need punks playing

street-ball near the statue.

That was the possum lake

high school team.

They had a bad attitude.

No, they

didn't.

I know those girls.

(audience laughing)

they're in my

home ec. Class.

I don't know why people feel

they gotta offer suggestions,

yelling while

we're trying to carve.

They're saying,

"take a bit off there!"

or "put a bit back on there!"

or... "whoops!

Old man sedgwick's

standing back, saying,

"that doesn't look

like a duck."

you get 30 men waling away

on a big piece of rock

with sledge-hammers

and tire irons,

you're asking for trouble,

but you know, I'm being honest.

Lots of those people,

they're giving

creative suggestions.

By the time we got done with

their creative suggestions,

our huge rock had turned

into a gravel driveway.

Now we gotta change our medium.

We're switching to steel.

Good idea --

steal a statue.

No, harold, no, no.

No, no, no, no, harold.

We're gonna get

our welding gear

and we're gonna make

the four horsemen

of the apocalypse

out of "k" cars.

Wow!

Now, that's innovative!

A statue that gets

decent mileage

and a seven-year warranty.

(audience laughing)

By golly, you should have seen

our "k" car statue.

I may not know art,

but I know what I like,

and it's welding vehicles

together.

I know I said the four horsemen

of the apocalypse.

We had so many cars,

we made seven.

War, death, famine, sleepy,

dopey, grumpy, and shemp.

It was something, wasn't it?

All the windshield wipers

were going.

The lights were turned on.

Every radio was tuned

to the port asbestos station.

It was only time and weather,

but still...

It was a multi-media display

of kinetic art

and social commentary.

Whoo-hoo!

Where did you learn

to talk like that?

The librarian said that,

and she was really excited

until she realized

one of the "k" cars was hers.

Judging from her language,

I bet she reads

a lot of d.H. Lawrence.

She wasn't the only one

not impressed with your work.

The police stuck a ticket

under everybody's windshield.

There were six for parking

and one littering.

We gave the cars back,

but we got an idea.

Instead of making a statue,

we'll take something

we already have

and call it a statue.

We should have

thought of this before.

Something you already have?

Like what? Like a lawn mower?

What have you got

that could be considered art?

Your beer can collection?

Your polyester pant

wall hanging?

Welcome to the expert portion.

On this week's expert portion,

we have experts:

My uncle red and his friend,

mr. Winston rothschild.

(applause and cheering)

(whistling)

first letter goes as follows:

"dear experts...

Wahhhh!

"what's the secret

to getting a great job?"

(laughing)

if my uncle knew that, he

wouldn't be hosting this show.

The key to a great job

is to have an uncle

that owes your father money.

Uh, well,

actually,

I have to diverge with you

for a second, red.

My dad owed all kinds of people

all kinds of things.

The only job

that ever got me was

a guy came up to me and said,

"if you beat up another guy,"

he wouldn't beat up my father.

(audience laughing)

we wouldn't ask you

what a great job was about,

anyway, winston.

(laughing)

well, uh...

(laughing)

I don't agree,

especially

if the guy expires to own

his own sewage

and septic sucking service.

Mr. Rothschild,

I think

you mean

"aspires".

No, "expires" is

right on the money.

Yeah, well,

anyway,

the key to a good career is

finding the key to that career.

That's key, and, you know,

I happen to have found the key

to the sewage

and septic sucking business.

Blocked

sinuses?

No, no, no.

(audience laughing)

the key to successful

sewage sucking

is the personal touch, eh?

You've got to chat up

the customers.

You gotta make them

feel at home,

make 'em feel special.

Cater to their every need.

'cause in my business,

the customer is king.

Only while

they're on the throne.

Oooh!

(laughing and applause)

well, it took us a while,

but we finally got

a new statue in town

by just using something

we already had.

Not buster hadfield's stove.

No, nothing stupid, harold.

Didn't use

those unused exer-cycles

the guys brought in.

Somebody suggested

we have old man sedgwick

stand there

and pretend he's a statue,

but we wanted something

more lifelike.

Haven't you figured it out?

Art takes talent --

that's what's missing here.

Not the materials or supplies.

Art is in the artist,

not in the palette.

No, that's

right, harold.

We decided to use the fan-boat.

We've given up on art.

We're gonna go

with practicality.

T-t-the fan-boat's

the new statue?

Town council won't allow that.

Yes, they will, harold.

The fan blows over the lake,

breeze all the time,

keeps the bugs away

and guarantees you're upwind

from stinky peterson's place.

They won't let it sit there,

blowing over the lake.

They will, because

the mayor has a sailboat.

Yeah?

Get it?

Wahhh?

I'm

telling you,

we've created a statue.

We got the mayor on the lake

where he can't make mistakes,

and we killed a couple

of hours.

If that isn't art,

I don't know what is.

(laughing and applause)

no, I'm sure

you don't.

(possum squeal)

see, that's

meeting time.

I'll be down

in a few minutes.

This was quite a day.

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming home

after the meeting.

Maybe when we're sitting

out by the lake

and you hear a loud noise

and lot of wind,

you can be sure

that I'm responsible.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(harold): All rise!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

For more

information

on red green

and possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or find us

on the internet

at...

I was telling you earlier

that people make things.

The possum lodge sign

is made by the same--

this guy made this

and brought this in.

You flip it around...

It's just fantastic.

He's jim jackson.

He lives in simcoe.

Possum lodge member 4118.

And, uh, boy, is that

ever gonna burn good.

Boy, this is too much!