Man Of The Year/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know what you don't see

much of on houses anymore?

Awnings.

You know that thing that would

hang down over your window?

I don't mean the creepy guy

in the trench coat.

I'm talking about

the canopies that would

keep the direct sunlight

off your parents'

good furniture;

you know, the stuff

your sister got.

Well, here's your chance to

get in on the latest home

decorating trend...

Awnings made from car hoods.

Cheap, easy to install,

and they protect the house

against hurricanes

and tornadoes

and drive-by shootings --

if things get too

hot in the 'hood.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you. Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

You know our local paper,

"the possum lake daily

movement,"

they got a contest going on.

They're looking to name

a man of the year

from the possum lake area.

Nominations are open now,

and the winning contestant gets

a brand new fishing boat,

and I'm thinking yours truly

might actually have a shot

at this one.

Hey, mr green, did you see

this man of the year contest?

I already got

a paper, mike.

You didn't

have to buy one.

Oh, that's okay.

I get 'em for free.

[ laughter ]

how do you do that?

[ laughter ]

I don't remember.

I've been thinking

about this contest.

I think the lodge should

nominate somebody.

Yeah, okay, I know

where you're going,

but do you really

think I have a chance?

[ chuckling ]

no, I'm trying to be

serious here, mr green.

I thought I'd had

a pretty good year.

Yeah, compared to the other

lodge members, maybe.

But the real world has a

whole other sense of scale.

I mean, this contest is open

to the whole community...

Policemen, doctors,

firemen,

bail bondsmen.

You know, as a group,

we're sucking

canal water.

All right, well,

what's your big idea?

I made up a guy.

What?

I named him

after the tire fire.

I call him

bernie goodyear.

I made him a

retired general.

Says he does

volunteer work;

and he donates

to an orphanage.

And I also gave him

the order of canada.

No, there's another "r."

you've got the 'odor'

of canada.

Okay, I'll change that.

But I need you to sign

this as a nominator,

because, like, if I sign it,

they'll think it's a scam.

It's discrimination

but --

well, it's kind

of crooked.

Maybe dalton

will sign it.

Ah, come on, mr green,

be a sport.

I mean, nobody at the lodge

here is good enough to be

man of the year.

But bernie goodyear can set an

example for us all to follow.

Plus here's

the good bit.

"if he wins, he's

instructed the judges

"to give the fishing

boat to the possum lodge."

oh, man, this bernie

sounds like a great guy.

[ applause ]

it's time for

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

joining mr green today is

explosives enthusiast,

edgar montrose.

[ applause ]

edgar will be playing

for a full body massage

from six-finger louis

at rub-a-dub-dub

massage parlour.

And oil change.

Don't let the dirty

fingernails scare you off.

Okay, mr green,

you've 30 seconds

to get mr montrose

to say this word...

Yeah, yeah.

All right, mike.

And go!

All right, edgar,

you use your

nose for smelling;

your hands for feeling;

what do you use

your ears for?

Seeing.

You use your ears to see?

Yeah, my glasses sit on 'em.

Okay, no.

There's an expression...

"if a tree falls in the forest

and no one is there,

"does anybody blank it?"

what kind of blanket?

We're almost

outta time, mr green.

Remember a

few years ago,

you used real dynamite

in your fireworks display?

You blew up city hall.

That was a crowd pleaser.

I know that, but that was also

the day you lost your...

Demolition license.

At least that's what

they told me at

the hearing.

[ cheering and applause ]

[ van chugging,

brakes squealing ]

you planning

on going in any

time soon, dalton?

What time is it?

Red: I have no idea.

It's either 1:17, 1:19,

or September 6th.

Anne marie's

gonna kill me.

Well, you could

fake an injury,

pretend you were

in an accident.

No fake injury is

going to fool anne marie.

Oh, we could help

you out with that part.

No, thank you.

Oh, wait a minute.

I got buster hadfield's pyjamas

in the back of the van.

You know, this may not

be a need to know.

No, he gave 'em to me.

He said they were bad luck.

I was gonna use

'em as oil rags,

but you could put

them on, dalton.

Now, why would I

wanna do that?

Well, then you just stand

on the porch and pretend

you got locked out.

Yeah, like fred flintstone.

"wilma-a-a-a!"

go on up there

and knock on the door.

Shhh!

Turn your lights off.

Anne marie!

Anne marie,

I've locked myself out.

Anne marie:

Who is that?

It's me, honey,

it's dalton.

I heard a noise on the porch

and it woke me up,

and when I came out

to investigate,

the door locked behind me.

You are such a moron,

you know that?

Yes, I am.

Dalton?

Yes, dear.

Coming, dear.

How come you're wearing buste

hadfield's pajamas?

You know, when I was a boy

I always dreamed

about being

a riverboat gambler.

I've taken some chances

in a boat a few times

but, you know,

that's not the same thing.

So today on handyman corner,

I've come all the way up

to the port asbestos shipyard,

and I'm gonna turn this van

into a riverboat

paddle wheeler.

I might even try it

with my own van.

Now, the first consideration

has to be getting the van

to float,

especially for

you non-swimmers.

Take a bunch of these pallets,

which you can get anywhere

that they have pallets

rather than fences.

Then what you wanna do is fill

them with floatation.

Now, you could use that

styrofoam stuff

if you're absolutely

made of money.

But I prefer to recycle.

If you're like me,

you generate two or three

hundred of these plastic

motor oil bottles

every month or so.

Now instead of having to

throw them out the window

or leave them in the canadian

tire parking lot,

you can hang onto them,

plus any other bottles

you've got

because you're gonna use

'em as floatations on

your river boat.

Okay, that's our hull.

Looks like hull, doesn't it?

Now all I have to do is add the

paddle wheel to the van itself.

You know, the old woolworth

store in town

has had declining

revenues since 1957.

Finally closed it last year.

When they tore it down,

I managed to get my hands

on this old revolving door.

I was gonna install it

in the lodge

to speed up the exit time

on mexican night.

But instead I'm going to take

all the windows out of her

and use this as

my paddle wheel.

Well, those extension ladders

sure came in handy

to mount the unit to.

And you may notice I've

added a wheel rim

to the outside of

my paddle wheel.

And then a

corresponding wheel rim,

I've put on the outside of

one of my drive wheels here.

Now I just connect the two

together, using a seat belt.

Buckle up for safety.

I actually took the seat belts

out of the van.

I figure when you're

out on the water,

you really don't want

to have a seat belt on.

Oh, by the way,

I jacked up the whole

back end here.

That way when

I put her in gear,

there goes my paddle wheel.

Actually we taped me putting the

van onto my floatation raft,

but we're not allowed

to show it on television,

due to a few

environmental infractions

and some inappropriate language.

Here's something you might

think about for your

river boat.

It's actually just

a piece of stove pipe.

Ran the exhaust system

up through it.

And here's a trick to give it

that black river boat smoke...

Instead of putting

gasoline in her

I filled up the tank

with diesel.

Remember, if the women don't

find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

They'll find me

rolling down the river.

[ foghorn blasting ]

[ applause ]

you know the best

time to find out what

your friends are really like

is when you're in some kind

of a group endeavor;

like when they're all

over helping you move

something heavy,

say, the beer fridge --

say, the beer fridge

on pay day.

That's when you

find out who's who.

First of all you

get the quitters.

The ones who just step back from

the fridge and say,

"hey, you know what,

"I feel like I'm just

in the way here."

then you get the historian.

Steps back from the fridge,

pulls out a camera.

Wants to get a picture

of you and your hernia.

Next you get the supervisor.

They step back and they turn

into some kind of a cheerleader.

"all right, everybody,

heave!"

I almost did.

Then you get the fakers.

They're the trickiest ones.

Yeah, sure, they belly

up to the fridge.

They spit on their hands.

But when it comes to

the grab and lift,

you hear the tell-tale

tinkling of pocket change.

You gotta know who's who

because these guys are gonna be

your pallbearers one day.

The last thing you want is a

supervisor there going,

"easy, easy."

while two fakers drop you

head first into your

final resting place.

You gotta walk around heaven

looking like the rca dog.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

hi, winston rothschild here

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

If there's something in the air

that knocks you off your chair,

just call me,

and I'll be there.

Or send up a flare,

if you dare.

Well, I got the lodge

members together.

Told them about this bernie

goodyear that we made up

and how we want him to win the

man of the year award.

Old man sedgwick said he

actually remembered the guy.

I reminded him that

bernie doesn't exist.

Sometimes I wonder if

old man sedgwick exists.

But when they heard

about the fishing boat,

they all like the idea

of sharing that,

so we're all going around

talking up bernie goodyear

as the man of the year.

Hey, mr green,

did you see today's paper?

No, I didn't.

The box was missing

for some reason.

Oh, sorry.

It's behind

the liquor store.

Uh, there's this big

article on bernie goodyear.

"too good to be true."

oh, man, they're

on to us.

No, no, they're saying

he's a cheat and a liar.

Some woman in port asbestos

said she had his baby.

Well, that doesn't sound

like the bernie I know.

Exactly.

And now the town council

is demanding

that bernie come forward

and face his accusers.

Until he does,

they've suspended

the man of the year

competition.

Well, we gotta go down

there and stand up for him.

You know who's

behind this?

Those guys from caribou lodge.

I heard they want one of their

members to win the contest.

Yeah, it's a smear campaign,

that's for sure.

You know, it's a

shame that they

have to resort

to lies and trickery

just to get

what they want!

Well, mike,

that's human nature.

[ applause ]

oh, hello, boys and girls.

Ranger gord here with

another homemade animated

educational film

you all seem to enjoy so much.

Well, judging by

the mail, that is.

What I mean, is judging by the

lack of any negative mail,

[ wailing ]

or any mail, really!

[ sobbing ]

but that's not your problem.

Anyway, today's film is

about people who think

they know things

but they really don't.

Now, let's see if you can guess

who I'm talking about here,

and I'll give you a hint...

It's red and harold.

Okay?

Good luck.

Here we go.

[ ♪♪ ]

[ ♪ ]

[ thunder and rain ]

ranger gord,

uncle red,

look at the

beautiful rainbow.

It was almost worth

getting soaking wet.

It's a beautiful

thing to behold.

I'll tell you what's more

beautiful than that, though.

It's what you can

find at the end of it.

What's at the end

of a rainbow,

ranger gord?

At then end of every

rainbow is a duffel bag

stuffed with

unmarked bills.

Oh, that's not true!

Oh, I think maybe you should go

and check it out,

because maybe we

could go and see

because, like -- money --

we could all get some of it.

Ha ha, if only it

were that easy, harold.

The problem is the duffel bag

at the end of the rainbow

is guarded by

a magic anvil.

Wah, a magic anvil?

It's a myth, harold.

And gord doesn't

even have it right.

There's a pot of gold

at the end of the rainbow,

and it's guarded

by a leprechaun,

not a magic anvil.

Wow! Gord was right.

Unbelievable!

Wow!

Wah!

Aren't you two

forgetting something?

Well, I think you two have had

enough fun for one day.

So don't be like

harold and red, folks.

The money at the end of the

rainbow can't buy you happiness.

It can only drop a

magic anvil on your head.

[ laughing heartily ]

[ applause ]

[ telephone ringing ]

if you're like me, you get

a lot of annoying phone calls,

usually around

the dinner hour.

Some guy trying to sell

you used aluminum siding

or a vacuum cleaner that

can suck up a bowling ball.

[ telephone ringing ]

I figure there's a list out

there somewhere with all

our phone numbers on it.

We gotta find a way to get our

numbers off of that list.

So here's what you do.

[ telephone ringing ]

good evening, could I speak

to the head of the --

use somebody's business card

and dial up their fax number.

Then what you wanna do is get

yourself one of those tape

recorder units there

and record the sound that their

fax machine makes when it

answers the phone.

[ electronic beeping

of fax machine ]

then you just rewind the tape,

turn the volume up full,

and wait for the

next salesman to call.

[ telephone ringing ]

good evening, could I speak --

[ electronic beeping

of fax machine ]

[ applause ]

welcome to the experts portion

of the show,

where we address those three

little words

that men find so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know.

Today's letter reads...

"dear experts, last night I

celebrated a little too much,

"was arrested in a hotel room

with two strange women,

"and lost my wife's car in a

high stakes gambling match.

"and now she's really

mad at me.

"however, I've figured a way

to get out of this trouble

scot free.

"in order for my plan to

succeed, however,

"I need your

expert opinion.

"is time travel possible?"

signed "ready to

leave yesterday."

gentlemen?

Well, in theory,

you know, it is.

Maybe not now,

but in the future,

certainly.

Well, just a

second now.

I would think that if

time travel is going to

be possible in the future,

then by now, somebody from

the future would have come

back to see us.

Well, they do.

That's what ufos are,

people coming back

from the future.

Gee whiz.

It's in all the papers.

Oh, yeah?

What papers

are those, dalton?

The ones you put

under the puppy?

You are so skeptical.

How do you know that I'm not a

super-intelligent alien

that's come back

from the future?

Because I went to

school with you.

Uh, could we answer

this guy's letter, please?

All right, I'm sorry,

but time travel makes

no sense to me at all.

Even if it was possible,

I wouldn't wanna go

back in the past.

My time machine would break,

and I gotta try and fix it

with edsel parts.

And I sure as heck don't

wanna go into the future.

I can't operate the

appliances I got now.

So you would advise

our viewer to abandon the

whole time travel concept?

Oh, completely abandon that.

This guy just needs

to get away and lie low.

He doesn't need time travel,

he needs travel time.

[ laughter ]

yeah, but what if

time travel was possible?

When would you

guys go back to?

Oh, boy.

I'd probably go back

to the date of my birth.

I'd probably go back to nine

months before that.

Then I could meet my dad.

[ laughter ]

what about you,

mr green?

I think I'd go

back ten minutes

and burn that letter.

[ laughter and applause ]

winston rothschild of

rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Cover me.

I'm going in.

[ applause and laughter ]

well, I'm not exactly

sure what happened,

but I do know we don't

have a new fishing boat.

Yeah, but the guys from

the caribou lodge do.

Unbelievable.

They got up in front

of the town council.

They accused bernie goodyear

of every sin known to man

and a couple of new ones

they made up themselves.

Then mr green, he got up and

denied all the accusations,

and then he presented

mr goodyear as that

wonderful guy

that we all came

to know and love.

You were great, mr green.

I was moved.

I wish the town council

had seen it that way, mike.

Well, you were lying.

So were they.

Yes, but here again,

people would rather

believe a hurtful lie

than a helpful one.

And I've got the

rap sheet to prove it.

So then the caribou lodge

guys cut themselves a deal.

They told town council they'd

get rid of bernie goodyear

in a peaceful,

non-violent way,

and they guaranteed

them that bernie

would never show his

face in the possum

lake area again.

And all they wanted in return

was the prize fishing boat.

With the proviso

they'd give the boat back

if bernie ever

showed up in town.

That's when I knew the

scam had gone too far.

Well, you tried to do the

right thing, mr green.

You really did.

Yep, I told 'em bernie

goodyear didn't exist.

I told 'em

we made him up.

They didn't believe it.

Didn't believe it.

I found that ironic.

Oh, well, I'm just sorry

you didn't win man of

the year, mr green.

Well, mike, I lied,

I cheated,

and I tried to get something

under false pretenses.

Forget man of the year,

I should've run for

president.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time, mr green.

Yeah, you go ahead, mike.

I'll be down in a minute.

Okay.

All right.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I did learn something today.

I learned that if you're honest,

you can stop talking any time

you want,

but when you lie, you gotta just

keep her rolling and rolling...

Boy, your sister talks a lot,

doesn't she?

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and bernie goodyear

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ applause and cheering ]

sit down.

Sit down.

Everybody, sit down.

Sit, sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, guys,

bow your heads for

the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Red: Yes, dalton?

Dalton: Okay, I have an

important announcement.

Caribou lodge is saying their

fishing boat is missing,

and they're claiming that

maybe one or more members

of this lodge

had something to do with it.

And they're asking for our

cooperation.

Red: Okay, dalton, I think I

know who took the fishing boat.

Bernie goodyear!

Closed captioning performed

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