The Big Inboard/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

harold: The time for decisions

has come and gone.

Well, we didn't make any, and

it's pretty much too late now.

So sit back -- or sit up --

well, pretty much sit

anyway you want,

'cause it's really none

of my business.

But, anyway, it's time for

the show like no other shows --

to the extent,

you know, that this is our show,

meaning, you know,

me and myself and my uncle,

who happens to be the star

of the "red green show,"

red green!

Thank you.

Thank you, harold.

And, uh,

a special thank you

to our viewers

for bucking the trend.

And speaking of which, harold,

come on over here a minute.

Uh, harold is producer/director

and my nephew on the show,

and, uh, he's got

this little machine here,

and he's able to really

keep things moving along for us.

It's a video-effect machine.

It goes like this.

[ keys clacking ]

wa-a-a-a!

That way, I can bail out

of a boring segment

into a more interesting one,

you know,

if the need should arise,

which I'm sure it does.

Well, anyway, uh, golly,

we had a heck of a time

up at the lodge

this week.

We sat around,

and we started discussing

what it means

to be a real man.

And, uh, funny --

what it came down to

was you got to be loud,

strong, and smell like gas.

And, of course, to us,

that meant you had to have

an outboard motor.

Or a

video-effect machine.

Wa!

Well, we decided

right then and there

we were gonna have the biggest,

uh, outboard motor on the lake,

which meant that we had

to build it ourselves.

Uh, harold,

do you happen to know

what a 427-cubic-inch

engine is?

No, but why don't we go

to the next segment?

We'll have a chance

to look it up.

Well, I-I can tell you

what it is, harold.

Oh.

It's too late.

Darn.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ on a clear summer night

when the warm summer breeze ♪

♪ comes down to the water

and rustles the trees ♪

♪ a bunch of us meet there

and strip to the buff ♪

♪ 'cause boys will be boys

and enough is enough ♪

♪ we go skinny-dippin' ♪

♪ skinny-dippin' ♪

♪ we wop and flippin' ♪

♪ when nature's callin' ♪

♪ we go cannonballin' ♪

♪ heart rate rises,

the spirit soars ♪

♪ the moon you see

might even be yours ♪

♪ skinny-dippin' ♪

♪ slappin' my butt

on the lake ♪

I wouldn't drink

the water.

[ groans ]

now he tells me.

Uh, this week

at the "handyman corner,"

uh, what I'm gonna show you

is how to operate

this powerful electrical device.

Uh, this right here

is a, uh -- it's a belt sander.

But I wouldn't advise you

sanding your belt with it,

unless you are really

into the celibacy thing.

Anyway, let me show you

how it just works

with this little piece of wood

I got right here.

[ motor whirring ]

uh, that reminds me -- I wanted

to talk about safety goggles.

Anyway, uh...

I'll show you something else

you can do with the sander.

It's good for, uh...

Sanding a big...

Big flat surface,

like a door here.

[ coughs ]

now, with the door, the first

thing you have to decide

is which way is the grain going.

All right.

Uh, the grain is going that way.

So we, uh --

we sand against the grain.

Now, you hold it level,

little bit nose up,

keep her steady, and bring

her down onto the door.

[ motor whirring ]

[ crashing ]

all right, that's right, too.

I forgot, uh, you have to sand

with the grain.

So, what I'll do is just,

uh, swing the door around.

All right.

Now, get the sander going and

drop her down onto the door.

[ motor whirring ]

[ door crashes ]

well, I'm obviously not gonna be

able to finish this job

until I get a longer workbench.

So, uh, until next time,

remember --

if women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

You'll want to come, uh,

right back after the break

and, uh, hear more

about the outboard motor,

unless I miss my gas.

Which is quite possible...

In my opinion.

"it is winter.

"children's laughter

at the front door.

"they tumble into the house,

boots off, hats off,

"sweaters, snowsuits, scarves,

and mittens are peeled away.

Hey, these aren't your kids."

as I was saying, uh, out

building our own outboard motor,

uh, we were lucky enough to get

our hands on a 427 engine,

which fell out of a friend's car

when buster hadfield

did an oil change on it.

Yeah, well, the insurance paid

for everything,

so we ended up with a motor.

We figured it would be ideal to

build an outboard around that.

So, next thing we needed

was a drive shaft.

We decided to use our,

uh, shower rod

because, uh, we weren't using it

'cause we don't have

a shower curtain

'cause we don't have showers

'cause we don't have hot water

'cause we don't have water.

So, when you get a motor

that size,

it'd just be wasted

on a normal-size prop,

so we had to think of something

a little bigger,

like, uh, a ceiling fan.

So we hooked the whole rig up

there and put it all together

with, uh, the handyman's

secret weapon -- duct tape.

And then we mounted her on

the back of the aluminum boat.

But, you know, golly,

the weight distribution

was kind of off on that,

so we ended up turning the whole

front half of the boat

into a gas tank.

Uncle red, uh,

next segment's all ready.

Red: Well,

I don't care, harold.

Oh, okay.

What'd you do that for?

Well,

you said you didn't care.

Make up your mind.

Geez!

Gord: Red green?

Yeah?

Is that really you, or is it

just another hallucination?

No, no.

It's not a hallucination.

Hallucination's don't have

professional tv cameramen

following them around,

huh?

That's right.

[ both laugh ]

well, please,

excuse the mess.

I've been changing things

around a little.

You know what they say -- a

change is as good as a vacation,

and I haven't had a vacation

in 13 years,

and I figured,

"why not have a change?"

gosh, 13 years

without a vacation.

Boy, that's something.

There's a word for that,

isn't there?

What is it? Uh...

Dedication?

Sure, sure, yeah.

Dedication and, uh...

Loneliness.

[ sobbing ]

that's all right.

That's all right.

No, that's okay.

Don't worry about it.

You know what

I miss the most?

What?

Tv, my favorite tv shows,

you know?

"laverne & shirley."

"welcome back, kotter,"

"hawaii five-0."

yeah.

Sometimes I'll act out

all my favorite scenes,

play all the roles,

you know?

"eight is enough"

is the toughest.

Oh, sure, yeah.

What do you do to stop

yourself from going

crazy up here, gord?

Well, I try to keep myself busy,

you know?

Yeah, sure.

I take all kinds

of correspondence courses.

Yeah.

Makes sense, yeah, yeah.

Right now, I'm learning

bricklaying by mail.

Oh.

You know winston churchill

enjoyed laying bricks?

I didn't know that.

Yeah, and I'm learning

a second language -- beaver.

Beaver?

Yeah.

It's a great language.

I'm picking it up from

the beavers down by the river.

Okay.

Yeah, and beaver's easier

to learn than german.

Whereas german will have three

gender, beaver only has one,

so it's a lot like english

in that way.

And a lot of the words

are similar.

Uh, the beaver word for

thunderstorm, for instance,

is [smacks lips]

that is close.

Yeah.

Do you know there are over

40 different beaver words

for "tree stump"?

Gosh, that's --

oh, it's a rich language,

red,

especially when it comes

to trees and bark and rutting,

or as we say

[smacks lips]

[ chuckling ] oh.

That is --

isn't that great?

Well, and, uh, the beavers don't

have a word for transmission.

Oh, they don't,

but they don't care.

No, they wouldn't.

No, like, the beavers have

a saying...

[ smacks lips ]

what does that

translate as?

"let's chop down this tree

and drag it to the river."

okay, gord, uh, I think we got

to get going here,

but thanks a lot

for your time.

We want to get back here --

please don't --

no, no, it's all right.

Please don't go.

And we'll come back

another time.

Okay!

How about Saturday then,

huh?

Well, we'll see.

Uh,

is 4:00 okay with you?

Well, I'm gonna have to get back

to you on that, gord, okay?

All right, just slap your tail

in the water.

Yeah,

I'll look forward to that.

Bye.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ go down to the swamp

in the summertime ♪

♪ cover your thighs

with sludge and slime ♪

♪ and slap them together

in three-quarter time ♪

♪ now you're doing

the marshy bog jig ♪

♪ the marshy bog jig,

the marshy bog jig ♪

♪ there's never been a dance

ever this big ♪

♪ never, never ♪

♪ you don't need lessons,

just join right in ♪

♪ but it helps

if you're pretty well-hammered ♪

oh, uncle red, this great,

excellent.

It's mailbag time.

I found the letters

a tad repetitive,

based on the demographics.

You know,

we're skewing 40-plus?

So I've selected some letters

from some teenagers

to give this segment more of

a-a now feel to it, you know?

[ laughs ]

we don't have to.

Just read the letters,

harold.

Okay, I'll just read the letters

like I'm supposed to.

Here's letter number one

from our viewers.

Um, "dear red, I'm a 14-year-old

girl who's never seen your show

"because it's, like,

totally gross.

"what do you think

of new kids on the block?

"are they excellent

or what?

"seriously,

what's so great about math?

"I think it's, like,

totally gross.

"who's the nerdy guy

who says he's your nephew?

The guy is, like,

a major doofus."

signed, amanda.

What's a doofus, harold?

Well, a doofus is, like,

uh --

like a stud,

a really cool and nifty guy.

Ha, doofus.

Well, uh, amanda,

I don't know

if there was a question

in your letter.

I certainly

didn't hear one,

but, uh, if there was,

the answer is no.

That's excellent.

Communicating with

the young people of today.

That's excellent,

uncle red.

Letter number two from

another teenager, uh, viewer.

"dear red, we enjoy the

'red green show' every week.

"we never miss

an episode.

"many teenagers think

you're an old fogy

"and they make fun of you.

"but we think the

'red green show' is entertaining

and informative about things

that concern young people."

signed, doug holes,

jim nasium, and I.P. Daily.

That's excellent.

That's great.

That's excellent.

They're listening to you.

You're getting to the people

of today.

That's excellent.

Yep.

Well, maybe someday

I'll be a doofus, eh, harold?

I can help.

Ooh!

Red: Bill and I, uh, went out

on the lake there

and, uh, shot this little film.

Uh, really wanted to

[clears throat]

wanted to show you

what it, uh --

what it was like to try

and portage a canoe.

But, of course,

first, we had to [clears throat]

first, we had to land the canoe

before you can actually

do the portaging.

Uh, well, you know, luckily,

bill had the rope.

[ clears throat ]

maybe he should have

untangled that.

And I don't know what --

I don't know what --

I don't know

what he had in mind there.

And I tried to paddle the dock

out to bill,

'cause he's bringing,

uh -- bringing the canoe in.

But, god,

it was a beautiful day.

You know, we just finally

just got him up there somehow.

And he tried to pull her up

this way.

Now, interestingly enough,

uh, water goes in the back

of the canoe,

and, by god,

she gets kind of heavy.

I got to hand it to bill,

'cause you really don't know

what's in that -- in that water.

I know there's a lot

of dead cattle in there

and some vehicles

and, uh, I think a couple of the

lodge members are down there.

Anyway, we, uh --

we eventually got her up.

I thought we just would just

pull it right up on the dock

from the side,

a little different angle,

and then we'd have it

to work with -- well...

Oh, oh.

Oh.

Well, maybe a little wider dock

might have --

anyway, we, uh -- we decided

bill would just paddle the canoe

up to the beach area

and forget about the dock

at the time being.

You know, the bottom's got a lot

of spongy, sticky kind of --

he, uh [clears throat]

that's the kind of thing

that can happen.

Anyway, luckily,

we have 700 or 800 paddles.

And that [laughs]

I don't think

we'll ever see that one again.

Then he got her up

onshore there.

Ooh!

Kind of

an interesting technique.

Uh, bill and I just kind of

get...There, you know?

So, now to get ready

for the portage,

what you got to do

is you got to --

you see what he's saying there

is you got to pick the canoe up.

So we're gonna -- I'm gonna help

him pick the thing...

[ clears throat ]

quite a bit of stuff in there,

you know?

But, uh -- oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

Well, he's all right.

Uh, so, uh, next thing we do

is we're gonna pick it up

from the side

rather than from the end.

And we got a lot of the crap

out of there.

Oh, bill.

You know, uh...

They're just, uh --

just not making the canoes

the way they used to.

They're a lot stronger now.

Your old, uh --

your old birchbark there

would just, uh, I think collapse

under that kind of strain.

But it's got the aluminum

over the fiberglass.

You know, bill will vouch for

the strength of these things.

Anyway, uh, you know, it's got

a lot of recuperative powers.

And we get the canoe up onto

his head there.

And, of course, the problem now

is he can't see which way the --

which way the water is,

you know,

which is -- I'm trying

to direct him, you know?

"back that way, bill,"

kind of a deal.

But it was a lot of fun.

Dangerous, dangerous, but fun.

"it is winter.

"down the hill you race,

flat on your back,

"screaming,

eyes closed on a toboggan.

"up the hill you go,

flat on your back,

screaming,

eyes closed on a stretcher."

well, this, uh,

part of the show,

uh, I'll give harold a chance

to talk about the things

that are bothering,

uh, young people,

'cause they seem

to trust him

or at least not feel threatened

by him.

Harold.

What?

Oh, yeah, okay.

[ laughs ]

okay.

Sex education.

Wa-a-a-a!

Um, you might want to get

the kids out of the room

or, like,

make clearing-your-throat noises

or something like that.

Ask them how school went,

get them distracted, right?

Okay, okay, here we go.

Sex education.

We're supposed to be all modern

about it and stuff,

'cause it's, like,

the '90s, right?

[ beeping ]

yeah, it is!

Okay, so, in school, right,

the teacher's like,

"don't be ashamed,

don't be embarrassed by it

"or nothing, you know?

It's okay.

It's natural."

but yet, our parents won't even

talk about it with us,

and we know they do.

We know, because, like, every

time they have an anniversary,

they send the kids to the movies

for the night.

We don't ever do that, right?

So we know.

We know what you're doing.

We know. We do.

[ laughs ]

and you tear

all the good articles

out of the reader's digest

before we get a chance

to read them.

A real good one like,

"I was joe's prostate."

[ laughs ]

that's a good one, too.

So, my point is --

I just want to say

that I'm glad

I'm not like adults

and have hang-ups

about...Well...

[ chuckles ]

well, you know...

[ laughs ]

don't go away.

I can't wait to finish my story

about the outboard motor.

I'll make sure

that he has to.

Gord:

♪ staying alive, staying alive ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

well, this is certainly

one of my favorite,

uh, aspects of, uh --

of being a human being,

and that is, uh, you know,

not to be quite so selfish

and, uh, not to just think

of yourself

and spending time with people

like yourself,

if there happen to be any,

but actually to take some time

and spend some of

your valuable time

with some

of the young people,

uh, some of the great, great

young people of this country.

Maybe you have a nephew.

Hopefully not like harold.

But, uh, maybe there's a kid

down the street

or, you know, maybe you get

involved with the big brothers

or whatever or, uh --

or maybe you just,

you know, had the bad luck

of having your own kids.

Whatever it is.

Uh, my friend here,

uh...

David.

David.

And, uh, david and I are gonna

do something together today,

just, you know, buds.

We call it buds, huh?

Huh?

Yeah.

[ clears throat ]

you know what we're gonna do

today, david?

We're gonna play a game

of croquet.

You know what croquet is?

No, not really.

Oh, well, now this is a thrill

for me,

because not only am I spending

some time,

I'm teaching him a new type

of sport that,

obviously, uh, david otherwise

would never be exposed to.

Uh, david, uh, the game

of croquet is, uh,

you put these little metal hoops

into the lawn

and then you have mallets

and you knock balls

through the hoops.

It's an awful lot of fun.

And you can hit

the other person's ball

and you can just knock

the living bejabbers of it

and smash it to bits

if you want, you know?

Sounds like

your kind of game.

[ clears throat ]

you know, golly, the problem

we're gonna have here, dave,

is, uh, I believe this grass

may just be a tad long

for a real good game

of croquet,

and if we're gonna play

croquet,

we might as well play

a good game of croquet, right?

Yeah.

So, you know what we need?

What?

One of these.

Watch your feet there.

[ motor sputtering ]

do you want to push it along

while I'm doing this,

and we'll get the lawn cut?

[ motor turns over ]

all right, away you go.

So, uh, the beauty of it

is you're spending time

with a young person

and, uh, they're learning

all about a whole new game.

Oh, god, he's gonna be all day

doing that.

Red: I got to get

a new outboard motor.

This one kind of --

kind of smells.

Is that oil?

Is that oil I smell in that?

Don't ask me, red.

I lost my sense of smell

for oil

when I worked on

that offshore rig.

You worked on one of them

oil rigs?

Boy, those things are huge,

aren't they?

8 1/2 trillion tons.

Really? Trillion?

And we weren't drilling

for oil.

We were drilling

for gunpowder.

That'd be

a little dangerous,

wouldn't it have,

drilling for gunpowder?

Well, the water helps and

it's under a lot of pressure.

This was a deep part

of the ocean.

I'd say maybe, oh,

20,000 leagues under the sea.

That's deep.

Yeah, well,

never figured it out.

A league is over 6 feet,

eh?

No, that's a --

that's a fathom.

[ chuckles ]

red, a league

is a metric fathom.

You sure about that, hap?

I never heard that before.

Anyway, one day,

I was running the drill.

We had maybe 21,000 leagues

of pipe going straight down,

and I hit the mother lode --

pure gunpowder.

And she blew. Boom!

Not completely, but big.

That pipe blew

straight up.

21,000 leagues of pipe

shot straight up

and out into space.

Traveling even 15 times

the speed of sound,

it took nine minutes for the end

of that pipe to pass by me.

Noisy?

You wouldn't believe the racket.

After that, gunpowder mining

was declared unsafe.

Where'd the pipeline

come down?

Mars.

Nothing personal, hap,

but, uh, I'm having a real

problem believing this story.

Doesn't bother me

if you believe it or you don't.

You weren't there.

No, but at least I'm willing

to admit it.

So, as I was saying,

uh, we got the outboard motor

all mounted on there

and we got the boat

all gassed up and everything,

but, uh, you know, it was still

too heavy at the back end,

so, uh, we put moose thompson

in there,

but then all the weight

was up at the front,

as it is on moose, too.

So, uh, turned out

that buster hadfield,

uh, had to be our test pilot,

so he got in there,

and we kind of pointed the boat

out towards

the center of the lake.

And, uh, it took us a while

to get it going, though,

because, uh, a 427 v8 is not

all that easy to pull-start.

But, uh, we did get her going,

and, uh, buster hit

the throttle,

and it broke off

right in his hand, you know,

but not before it had jammed

wide open.

So, it was, uh, I guess

about three seconds --

that motor was doing

80 miles an hour.

Unfortunately,

the boat was only doing 75.

So, uh, she broke off

through the trans

and started to work her way up,

you know, through the boat,

up over the seats,

and in between buster's legs

and so on.

And, uh, golly, it was --

it was really something.

Turned out, you know, luckily,

that, uh, buster only damaged

his pride,

or I should say

his pride and joy.

Uh, he tried to jump over

the spinning blades,

and, golly,

he only missed by a hair.

But, anyway [clears throat]

if my wife is watching,

I'll be, uh, coming home,

but I think I'm gonna stay up

and read a little bit tonight,

so maybe you could leave

the comic section on the fridge.

Anyway, uh, thank you very much

for tuning us in,

and on behalf of myself

and, uh...

Harold.

...Harold and the rest of

the gang up here at the lodge,

uh, until next time around,

keep your stick on the ice.

Sorry, harold.

[ indistinct conversation ]