Better To Give Than Receive/Transcript

The complete transcript for Better To Give Than Receive

Opening Scene
''{Red is seated on a lawn chair near the lake. He holds up a bottle of beer.}''

RED GREEN: You know, there is no better place to enjoy your favorite sparkling barley malt beverage than in the great outdoors. Unfortunately now, the great outdoors doesn't come with any built-in end tables, and you end up forgetting where you left your beer. Well, I got the perfect solution for that. {holds up a toilet plunger} Get yourself one of these plumber's helpers. That'll do the trick for ya. {pulls out the extendable cuff on the plunger} Now, go high-end on this. Get the deluxe model with the built-in... It's got the little inside extendable cuff there. And you stick that unit into the ground. {sticks the plunger into the ground, handle down, cup up} Ram 'er in there good upside-down. {places the beer inside the cup} And there's your perfect built-in drink holder right there, eh?

{Pull back to reveal Red surround by several toilet plungers stuck in the ground upside-down, all with beer bottles in them.}

RED GREEN: Always close at hand, and you'll never forget where you put your beer.

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The Red Green Show! And now, here's the man who never says "Die," because it just might be true, your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves while the audience cheers.}

AUDIENCE: {chanting} Red! Red! Red! Red! Red! Red! Red!

RED GREEN: Okay! Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Actually, bit of a disappointment up at the Lodge this week. We had a fishing derby going on against Caribou Lodge up on Mercury Creek. Now, we caught more fish, but they ended up winning! Somebody got paid off somewhere down the line, I figured!

AUDIENCE: Aw...

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know what it is? Most of your fish ended up getting disqualified. Well, they were frozen and still had the price tags on them, so...

RED GREEN: I don't think so, Harold, I figure. No, the point is, we caught more fish! I don't think we should be penalized for ingenuity. To me, cheating just means you care about winning.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, I know a way– I know a way you can get revenge on those guys.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. You challenge 'em... Like, because it's National Health Care Week, right? So you challenge them to a blood donor competition! {chuckles}

RED GREEN: What're you talking about, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, blood donor competition! It's great! Yeah, all you do is you donate more blood than they do, and you guys win! It's fantastic! I do it all the time. It doesn't even hurt or nothin', you know? Yeah. Best part is– Best part is– Best part is, a nurse comes up to ya. Y'know, she's wearing, like, a white dress and white – haw! – stockings. She gives you juice and cookies and rubs your arm and asks how you feel.

RED GREEN: {shaking his head} No, no, no. Harold, Harold? No, out of the question. I cannot give blood. I need it all for my lifestyle. And to hold my veins open.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay. No, if you're afraid, I understand. That's okay.

RED GREEN: What? What? I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. Not afraid.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay, that's not fear in your eyes? I thought it was fear in your eyes. Not fear in your eyes. Okay.

RED GREEN: All right, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, Harold. I'm gonna go challenge the Caribou Lodge guys, and if they're up for it, I'm in!

HAROLD GREEN: You think they might refuse?

RED GREEN: I'm bankin' on it. {heads for the door}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today's contestant is local explosives expert, Mr. Edgar Montrose!

{Edgar puts his hand to his ear to hear the audience cheering, then waves.}

HAROLD GREEN: And today, Mr. Montrose is playing for a fantastic grand prize of a brand-new stereo receiver supplied by Soupy's Electronic Emporium! {holds up a completely destroyed, fallen-apart stereo} Some reassembly acquired. Okay. {picks up word sign} Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Montrose to say the following word. {to Edgar} You have to cover your ears, Mr. Montrose. {Edgar does nothing}

RED GREEN: Not necessary.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, today's word is... {turns word sign around to show audience} Delicate. Delicate.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {setting sign down} Go!

RED GREEN: Edgar! Edgar! This is something that's easy to break.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Marital commitments.

RED GREEN: No, no. What word comes to mind when you think of bone china or crystal?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oops!

RED GREEN: All right, uh, say you're on one of your demolition sites there. There's a little flower there, eh? A tiny flower, dainty little petals. You would say that flower is...

EDGAR MONTROSE: Toast!

RED GREEN: Oh, I remember! The old water tower, remember? You blew that up and you didn't even scratch the factory next door. You must've been very...

EDGAR MONTROSE: Embarrassed.

RED GREEEN: Embarrassed?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, actually, I was hired to dynamite the factory.

RED GREEN: Oh, oh, oh, oh.

HAROLD GREEN: Almost running out of time, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Yeah, I know.

HAROLD GREEN: Let's move it on!

RED GREEN: Oh, oh, I got it, I got it, I got it! Lunch hour! You take a break, you go over to Schaefer's Delicatessen, what do you order?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, corned beef on rye.

RED GREEN: Okay, but not just any corned beef, you order Schaefer's special...

EDGAR MONTROSE: Deli cut!

RED GREEN: There we go! {Red starts ringing the bell and Harold hands Edgar the stereo.}

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the Lodge, looking upset, while Harold tunes his switcher.}

RED GREEN: I can't believe it! Those Caribou Lodge guys accepted our blood donor challenge!

HAROLD GREEN: This is so excellent!

RED GREEN: No...

HAROLD GREEN: This is great! Oh, we're gonna beat them so bad!

RED GREEN: Yeah? How do you figure that, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you guys have never given blood before. You're ripe! It'll be great! Oh, yeah, blood's just gonna come gushing outta you guys!

RED GREEN: {clearly uneasy} Can we talk about something else?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You ever seen when someone steps on a grape, just goes... Thhhpplt!!! ...like that? It just shoots!

RED GREEN: Oh, my gosh!

HAROLD GREEN: What? You know what we should do? We should race down to the blood donor place right now and get a head start! C'mon!

{Harold grabs Red's arm and tries to pull him to the door, but Red struggles to stay put.}

RED GREEN: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Harold! Harold, I can't! I can't. I can't give blood today.

HAROLD GREEN: No?

RED GREEN: No, because it's– You know what? {rubs his left arm} It's still full of toxins from the weekend.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, that's okay. That's okay, that's not a problem. If there's anything wrong with your blood, they'll tell you, so come on!

''{Harold again grabs Red's arm and pulls on it. Red pulls his arm back.}''

RED GREEN: Harold, Harold, Harold, Harold! I'll go when I'm good and ready, all right? Well, I didn't want to say anything, but I'm n– I'm not really feeling all that good.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking concerned} Oh, no.

RED GREEN: No, I...

HAROLD GREEN: Really? Are you coming down with something?

RED GREEN: {scratching his neck} Y'know, I got that throat thing. This could be the mumps. Feels like the mumps.

HAROLD GREEN: The mumps? Oh, no, mumps are bad. Mumps– mumps are really bad if you get them! Oh, that's terrible. Yeah, mumps are... Wow! 'Cause I thought it was something like, you know, the... chicken pox. {starts clucking and strutting around like a chicken, staring at Red for part of the time} Chicken pox!

RED GREEN: All right! All right! Let's go! {walks out the door determinedly}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughing} Oh, I knew that would get his blood up! {follows Red out the door}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, there once was a guy named Hardhead McCall,
 * Who liked to do things fast.
 * He ran like the wind and ate the same way,
 * Always ready and fully gassed.
 * He had a fast boat with 400 horse.
 * I tell ya, that baby could fly.
 * But when he hit the bridge, doing a hundred and ten,
 * He decided to give stopping a try.

Handyman Corner
{Red walks around from behind a very filthy-looking Possum Van.}

RED GREEN: You know, I've been meaning to get the Possum Van cleaned up for the last couple of... {looks at van} years. I just can't justify paying five bucks at a car wash when I can do every bit as good a job at home for nothin'. Then when I get home, I can't justify washing the van, knowing that a car wash is so much easier. It's a vicious circle, isn't it?

{He walks into a car garage in someone's house, passing by the Handyman Corner sign as he does so.}

RED GREEN: So this week, on "Handyman Corner", I've come up with a simple solution. {goes over to a disconnected dishwasher in the middle of the garage} We're gonna build our very own car wash. {opens dishwasher} Now, obviously, I can't get the Possum Van into this dishwasher. I guess maybe I take this bolt out and unbolt that... No, no, no. So what I need is an empty waterproof box that's big enough to hold the van. {looks around at the garage} Which I believe we have right here.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is standing in the middle of a lawn, holding a garden hose. It looks very misty.}''

RED GREEN: Now, to fire up the water for our car wash, you could use one of those special irrigation hoses from your garden. {holds up garden hose} Or you can just convert a normal hose using your lawn mower.

''{Red goes over to a lawn mower, next to which is the source of the misty water: the hose has sprung several leaks and the water is spraying out. Wipe to a later scene. Red is pushing a wheelbarrow full of old clothes.}''

RED GREEN: Now you rummage around in your basement for old clothes you'll never wear again. Oh, I know you can give your old clothes to poor people, but poor people don't have cars to wash, do they? {holds up a pile of neckties from the barrow} Look at this. Isn't that great? Silk ties! These work great. The Ghost of Christmas Past. {holds up a huge pair of beige pants} Oh, by golly, look at these! Size 30. Remember the '60s? Neither do I.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has the hose and the wheelbarrow full of clothes inside the garage. Its door closes.}''

RED GREEN: All right, what you wanna do is, {holds up a tie and the hose} attach all this stuff to the inside of your garage door, just like putting up Christmas lights, except, with these, you just put 'em up once and then you leave 'em up forever. So it's exactly like putting up Christmas lights. {carries the hose to the door} Now you can attach these on here with the metal rivets or fasteners of some kind. {takes a roll of duct tape hanging off the garage door handle} 'Course, I recommend the handyman's secret weapon...

''{Red pulls off the duct tape, only to realize that it's the last bit of strip left. Now the core is completely bare. Red looks worried. The audience voices concern.}''

RED GREEN: Uh-oh.

{Red feels around his pants for more duct tape, but finds nothing, as he scans the garage in search for more.}

RED GREEN: Well, I... I guess we're done for today...

''{Suddenly, he spots something off-screen and goes to grab it. He comes back holding two tall stacks of duct tapes in his arms. Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the hose to the door in a zigzag pattern with long hose loops hanging off the sides and ends of the door.}''

RED GREEN: All right, so you wanna make this a regular pattern on here. That way, you get even coverage on your vehicle, see? Now all I do is I park the van in the garage, turn on the hose, and I open the door, and these hoses runnin' across here will wash the top of the van. And these loops hanging down will rinse off the sides. All right, now I need scrubbing brushes. {eyes the ties and the pants} Soft scrubbing brushes made of silk and cloth. {picks up some ties and a pair of pants} See where I'm going? {drops the ties, but holds the pants} Let's start with the work pants, huh? Let the work pants do the work.

''{Red takes the pants to the door. Wipe to a later scene. The garage door is completely covered in pants and ties, which are all duct-taped to the door.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now these are gonna give the front and top of my van a beautiful, shiny wash. {shows off some brooms hanging from the ceiling} And I've mounted these brooms on here, so that as you're coming in, that'll scrape the food off from going through the drive-thru. All right, let's give her a try.

{Red opens the garage door, putting the pants and ties in a hanging position.}

RED GREEN: Boy, look at that! Isn't that... {laughs} See how this works, eh? I'm not getting scratched here or scrapes. It's just a beautiful... {ducks down to the floor, with parallel-placed hockey sticks and more hose taped to it} Yeah, okay, just a cou– just a couple more features on there. I've mounted a hose right onto the floor, and it's gonna shoot up and wash underneath the vehicle. And here's a feature: {shows off hockey sticks} I got a couple of these hockey sticks, make it kinda railings for us, so that when I bring the vehicle in, it'll keep straight in the garage. You might want to put these in, even if you don't build a dishwasher. {stands up, obscuring himself in the ties and pants} All right, just need the detergent now and just... {reaches out to grab a box of detergent} I figure that any detergent– Um, sorry. {ducks back down again} I figure that any detergent that'll take baked cheese off a fry pan will take baked mosquitoes off the front of your windshield, huh? {pours detergent into one of the pants} So let's just, uh, load up the work pants!

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is in the Possum Van inside the garage. He grips the hose tight in his hand.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, once you've got your hoses attached to the dishwasher, you're all set to go. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {uses a garage door opener to open the garage door, covering the van in pants and ties} Excuse me if I look a little smug, but I just saved five bucks!

''{Red lets go off the hose, causing the water to run freely. He starts to wind up the van window with the window winder, but it breaks and comes away in his hand. He instantly looks worried.}''

RED GREEN: Uh-oh!

''{The van pulls out of the garage, saturated. It has been washed, though.}''

RED GREEN: {sighs} It also cleans the inside. {opens the door, draining water out of the inside of the van}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Wanna talk to you older guys about something that's very, very difficult: apologizing to your wife. This is the toughest thing you will ever do. Now, whatever the issue is, I realize that you are 99.99% sure it wasn't your fault. But you know something? That should remain our little secret. You've been married long enough to know it's not your job to be right. It's your job to apologize. And you gotta do it properly. You can't just say, "I'm sorry for everything wrong I've said or done in the past and possibly saying or doing now or may say or do at some point in the future." {shakes his head} That's not good enough. You can't do the blank... What you need to do is, you need to be able to fake sincerity. Now, you've done it at least once before, or you wouldn't be married. {nods; audience cheers} Oh yeah. Well, you need to learn how to do it again. What I say you do is, apologize to somebody you don't know, like a stranger you've never seen before. You know, get your skills up, get ready, and then when you think you're ready, look your wife straight in the eye and say, "Honey... I..." {looks down nervously} "It's all in... I just..." {long pause, then quickly} "Sorry!" {looks back up suddenly and goes back to speaking normally} Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{Red and Harold enter the Lodge, both breathing heavily and walking slowly and Red scarcely able to keep balance, as he holds onto Harold's arm for support.}

HAROLD GREEN: I feel a little light-headed.

RED GREEN: {nodding} Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: I've never given that much blood before. {Red lets go of Harold's arm} Are you okay now?

RED GREEN: Yeah, I'm– I'm alright. Don't know what happened there, Harold. I– I– I started to give blood, and then I just blacked out. I think they took too much.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Too much? They took one drop to test it, you saw that and you fainted! Yes, you did! {laughs again} But that's okay. I think it's because you have Type O blood.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, it's like "Oooh! Oooh!" That's why!

RED GREEN: C'mon now, I wasn't the only one to keel over.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, okay, that's true, that's true. A lot of the guys fainted. Except Moose Thompson! He gave twelve liters of blood and only his left leg was tingling.

RED GREEN: Well, that's great! I bet we're beatin' Caribou Lodge already, then!

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, they're still ahead of us by ten liters of blood!

RED GREEN: I got a great idea.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, what?

RED GREEN: I'm gonna up the ante. I'm gonna include organ donations, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {excited} Yeah! That's good! I like that!

RED GREEN: So here's what we're gonna do...

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah!

RED GREEN: You'll keep givin' the blood. I'm gonna get out of that business completely, and I'm gonna sign over my organs, Harold, that's what I'm gonna do. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I know my liver has a few miles on her, but... I'll tell ya, my spleen is like the day she came out of the showroom.

HAROLD GREEN: That's good. That's a good idea. That's a great start, too, but what about your heart, your lungs and your eyes, you know? I bet you got a gallbladder like a butternut squash!

RED GREEN: Well, whatever it takes, Harold, eh? Whatever I can do for my fellow man.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah.

RED GREEN: C'mon now, let's go down there, you give a little bit of blood, and I'll sign my organs over, eh? {takes a hold of Harold's arm}

HAROLD GREEN: Today? I don't know if I can give more blood today.

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, if I can sign a piece of paper, the least you can do is give a few liters of blood.

{Red puts his arm around Harold's back and escorts him out of the Lodge.}

The Experts
{Harold, Red and Mike Hamar are sitting around a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show. This is the part of the program where we like to examine those three little words that men find so hard to say: {gestures toward audience}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} That's true, isn't it? Okay, joining my uncle Red today is Mr. Mike Hamar.

{The audience cheers and Mike waves.}

HAROLD GREEN: {picking up letter} Our letter for our experts goes as follows: "Dear Experts, I have a problem: I have a birthday coming up, and my husband is far too generous with his gifts. Last year, he got me this new foreign sportscar. The year before, it was an emerald and platinum ring. We are not wealthy and we cannot really afford his largesse. How do I mention it without hurting his feelings?" Aw, it's so lovely.

RED GREEN: Well, it might be lovely for her, but thank goodness nobody else's wife is watching this show.

MIKE HAMAR: Was that, uh, sportscar-emerald-ring lady, uh, local address?

HAROLD GREEN: {reading address on envelope} "St. Paul, Minnesota".

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, that's too far to go. Uh, too far to go to, uh, uh... Well, they just seem like such nice people.

RED GREEN: Right. Yeah, all right. Well, you know, I'll tell ya something: it's not just a gift, eh? A gift doesn't– is not the best way to say you love somebody. You can just... You can do that with a real nice card.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughing} Yeah, nice try, Uncle Red!

MIKE HAMAR: Mr. Green, there's a better way to buy gifts, you know. You buy expensive stuff, see? And then you fence it, and you collect the money. And then you claim you've lost it, or it got stolen, right, and you collect it from the insurance agent, right? And then you buy another replacement present, and, uh, then you end up with a big profit.

RED GREEN: Okay, no, I think that is a good plan, except for the "going to the slammer" part.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, you trade jail time for the profits of your crime. I mean, it's pretty straightforward, right? Your time for someone else's money. You know, if you traded the jail for an office, that's what straight people call work.

RED GREEN: Is it just me, Harold, or is Mike making sense here?

HAROLD GREEN: No, it's just you.

MIKE HAMAR: I'm just pulling your leg, Mr. Green. You know, a lot of people do that in prison. Uh, you know, I wouldn't want anybody to be breaking the law and gettin' caught and thrown in the slammer. I mean, I feel just terrible about it.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I'm really glad to hear you say that.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah. So– so listen, everybody: {stands up} don't get caught.

Plot Segment 4
''{Red and Harold enter the Lodge. It is clear that Harold has given a lot of blood, because he is unable to stand up very well, so Red keeps trying to hold his nephew up for him.}''

RED GREEN: C'mon, Harold, c'mon, c'mon.

HAROLD GREEN: I'm okay, I'm okay.

RED GREEN: C'mon, you can do it. You can do it.

HAROLD GREEN: I'm okay.

RED GREEN: You're all right, you can do it. I know. You're okay, you can do it.

HAROLD GREEN: I'm all right. Okay.

RED GREEN: You can do it. You're all right, you're all right. Yeah, easy, easy, easy.

''{They finally get up closer to the camera. Harold is finally able to stand up without his uncle's help, albeit uneasily. Harold turns and glares at his uncle.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, alright. All right? All right.

HAROLD GREEN: {screaming} DRACULA!!!

RED GREEN: No, no! No, I'm your uncle Red.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: I'm okay... I guess.

RED GREEN: Yeah. Boy, Harold, you did a great job, you know that? Man. You know what? You beat Caribou Lodge all on your own, Harold. Can I get you anything, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I'm thirsty.

RED GREEN: Yeah. You know what? We got a bunch of drinks downstairs; get yourself somethin'. I wouldn't mind a pop while you're down there.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah...

RED GREEN: Okay. You know, by the way, I forgot to mention this earlier. You know, if you want any of my organs after I'm gone, you know, my heart, lungs, anything, just say the word, you know?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, that'd be nice. Yeah, I wouldn't mind your brain.

RED GREEN: Hey, you got it, buddy.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, thanks. I figure it's like brand new.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Is that my veins or is it meeting time?

RED GREEN: No, it's meeting time.

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time?

RED GREEN: Yeah. You go ahead. You're all right?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah...

RED GREEN: {overlapping} I'll be– I'll be down in a minute.

HAROLD GREEN: {waves dismissively} I'm okay!

RED GREEN: All right, all right.

HAROLD GREEN: I'm okay. Just give me a... push a little bit.

''{Red aims Harold towards the back stairs and pushes him gently. Harold then staggers around trying to get down there, but doesn't have much luck. Red turns to face the camera.}''

RED GREEN: All right, uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. {Harold is seen staggering around behind his uncle} And, uh, I know I promised you my heart. You may have to settle for my giblets. {to the audience} And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching, and on behalf of myself and... {turns to see Harold staggering around} Harold? Harold? {Harold finally staggers toward the back stairs} ...and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red waves and heads to the stairs with Harold, who is still staggering. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Red comes down the stairs and takes his place at the front of the meeting. Harold, meanwhile, struggles on the stairs, holding onto the stair rail for support.}''

RED GREEN: All right, sit down. {everyone sits down} All rise.

{Everyone stands up and puts their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits back down} All right, the blood donor clinic has announced that they have so much blood now that we got the green light to use our power tools again.

{Everyone laughs, then turns to see Harold, who now is lying on the stair rail, trying to slide down, but without much luck.}

RED GREEN: Harold, are you all right? Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Quan– Quando Omn–

RED GREEN: No, no, no, Harold. That's really not how you give blood, Harold, I'm sorry.