Real Estate/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

And now here's the man

who said,

"no man's an island

if he has a boat."

your hero, my uncle, red green!

Huh? Huh?

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Well, big, big news this week.

I don't know if you heard this,

harold,

but moose thompson

is selling his house.

Oh, moose thompson's

moving?

Well, yeah, that's usually

one of the conditions

when you sell your house,

harold.

Yeah, moose says he needs

more space, apparently.

Well, how come?

He's not married.

He doesn't have kids.

What does he need

more space for?

I don't know.

Maybe he's going up

another pants size.

You know,

moose better be careful,

'cause, you know,

real-estate transactions

can be very complicated.

Nothing against moose,

you know.

It's just that he's not

the sharpest knife

in the drawer, you know.

He should get himself

a really good real-estate agent.

Well, he has hired the best

agent in the possum lake area.

Wa-a-a! Who?

Oh, yikes.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

captioning made possible by

acorn media

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

what you're looking at here

is a bunch of segments

from this particular show,

the main message being

"for gosh sakes,

don't even think about

changing the channel."

I'll tell you something --

if you're gonna try and

make sense out of this program,

you got to give it

your undivided attention.

Well, have you got an ad

in the local paper?

Oh, yeah, I'm way ahead of you,

harold.

Lookit.

Circled it right there.

Look at that.

"house for sale.

Call red green."

that's it?

Yeah.

Little vague, isn't it?

Might want to be

a little more descriptive.

Maybe describe what it

looks like or something?

Well, I didn't want

to scare people off.

Besides, another line

costs another dollar.

How much are you charging moose

for this

pseudo-semi-professional service

of yours?

Just the standard rate,

harold -- 6% commission thing.

It's the easiest money

you could ever make.

Now,

think about this, okay?

So, I got to list the house,

find a buyer,

sell the whole thing, wrap it

all up in about an hour, okay?

So, it may say

it's a $100,000 home,

so you make 6 grand, okay?

So, you work an 8-hour day,

that's almost $50,000.

That's $250,000 a week.

That's a million dollars

a month.

That's 12 million bucks a year

you're looking at there.

Huh?

Yeah, right.

You're gonna work

an 8-hour day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, later on in the show,

we got the "adventure with bill"

coming up,

and what are we doing here,

harold?

Harold?

Ah, it's ping-pong.

Yeah.

You looking for harold?

He's -- there he is.

All right, so, the boys set up

the ping-pong table.

Harold's getting her

all set up there --

all level and everything.

Bill's got the net.

Keeps a net in his pants.

What does that tell you?

Catching any?

[ laughs ]

got to throw the small ones back

there, bill.

Don't forget.

And...That's a bit of a net.

That's more of a cod net,

I think.

And -- ooh, ooh, ooh.

He got one.

[ laughs ]

they biting?

They biting?

[ laughs ]

all right, he's got a heck

of a big -- that may be...

That may be a little too much

a net,

you know, as frankie avalon

used to say.

What's going on?

What are you doing here?

Do you have a plan?

He has a plan, harold?

Oh, that's very relaxing.

What are we doing?

What are we doing, bill?

What do you got,

another ping-pong table?

How many ping-pong tables

did you bring?

Oh, I see.

Rather than shorten the net,

they're gonna widen the table.

That's the kind of thinking

that got them where they are --

out behind the lodge.

All right, start her up, boys.

Boy, the competition --

oh, boy, harold's got

the good stuff today, huh?

There's a point.

Take a point.

There you go. There you go.

1-0.

Okay, bill. I'd say you need

a little more defense, bill.

More defense.

There you go.

That's it.

That's it.

And one more.

There we are.

Stay tuned.

♪ oh, my favorite tool

is the adjustable wrench ♪

♪ it's always

close at hand ♪

♪ mind you, screwdrivers

and chisels are okay, too ♪

♪ but they hurt a lot more

when you sit on 'em ♪

[ squeaking ]

okay, this is the big one!

For our grand prize, which is

an assorted bag of rad hoses

from julio's steam room

and engine flush,

uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Dougie franklin

to say this word --

love.

[ chuckles ]

and go!

All right, dougie,

when a man meets a woman

and that starts

an attraction

which develops into

an affection, and then comes...

Antibiotics.

I'm sorry, red.

Did you say, "infection"?

No, no, no, no, no.

Affection. Okay, okay.

Okay, start over.

All right, okay.

Uh, when a man and woman feel

strongly about each other,

they fall in...

Bed.

No, no, no.

Before that.

Uh, the backseat?

No, no, I'm -- I'm talking

about the feeling.

Oh, touching.

Uh, groping.

No.

Getting smacked

on the hand.

No, no, no.

I'm talking about

the emotional feeling.

This is the one person

for you.

Oh, that's desperation.

No, no, no, no.

Okay, okay, okay.

A man and woman get married

and have kids.

They are deeply in...

Debt.

No, no.

No, no.

When a man and woman

stay together,

it's because they're in...

A rut.

Dougie, I can't believe

you can't guess this word.

Well, red, no woman

has ever made me say it,

and even though you're

a mighty good-looking man,

neither will you.

This week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna combine two things

that all men love --

gasoline engines

and hitting things.

We're gonna build

our very own batting cage, eh?

Got to love a batting cage.

All the fun of baseball

with none of that darn

running around.

What do we need?

Well, first thing we need

is something

to throw the balls at us,

so I'm thinking...Lawn mower.

I'll tell you, I've seen some

rocks come out of this baby

that any real man

would love to take

right up into the upper deck.

So, all I got to do now

is just modify this puppy

to chuck baseballs.

All right, now, we want to dull

the blades down on this unit

because we are building

a batting cage, not a cuisinart.

You could file the edge

of them there,

or you could grind them down.

I prefer just to run over

a bunch of tire irons.

[ clattering ]

whoa!

That sounded good.

Oh, by golly, yeah.

Oh, that's perfect.

That looks good.

Wait a minute.

That's not my lawn mower.

Well, it is now, I guess.

All right, now, you want

to have the baseballs come out

just this hole, you know,

so what you got to do

is you got to seal the whole

bottom of the lawn mower,

and I suggest what you do

is grab that chunk

of kitchen counter that was left

over when you put the sink in.

Also, this is

a great opportunity

to point out to your wife how

smart you were to hang on to it.

Huh?

[ chuckles ]

now, something

you got to be aware of --

the end of that blade

is gonna be traveling at speeds

in excess of 100 mile an hour,

so be sure to really sock

the duct tape to her.

You know me -- safety "forced."

now, as with most things

in nature,

you have an input

and you have an output.

So far on this unit,

all I have is the output,

a place for the balls

to come out.

What I need is an input.

I need a hole

on the other side there,

a place for the balls to go in.

Beauty.

Here's a little extra

added feature here --

automatic ball return so you're

not running around the house,

grabbing balls out of soup bowls

and eye sockets.

I've added the sheet

onto the grass catcher here,

so when the ball goes in there,

she just filters right down

into the grass catcher,

into the input

in the lawn mower,

and becomes my next pitch.

All right,

just start her up here.

[ grunting ]

[ engine turns over ]

so, remember -- if women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Play ball!

[ clattering ]

all right, I think maybe

I'll slow her down to "mulch."

all right, here we go.

Hey, hey, pitcher!

Come on, pitcher!

Put it in there!

[ glass shatters ]

oh, man.

That's out of here!

Stay tuned and relax.

Whatever this is,

we got a lot more of it.

I want to talk to you guys

about something

all of us are looking for as we

go down the highway of life --

a half-decent parking spot.

I call it

"the seven stages of parking."

stage one -- you're a kid.

All you have to park

is your butt.

Then you hit stage two --

you're a teenager.

Now you're out parking

with a girl

who has a pretty good chance

of being your future wife.

Followed by stage three --

you're married with kids.

Now you're parking

at mcdonald's,

the one with the play area.

And we have stage four -- kids

are grown and they're working,

coincidentally, at mcdonald's.

So, you've now gone out,

got yourself a sports car,

and you're caught parking

with a girl

who has no chance

of being your future wife.

Okay, this leads immediately

to stage five.

Now you're parking

in the garage,

where you're also living.

Now comes stage six.

You're old.

No license, no car,

no parking spot.

Then we have stage seven.

You're parked.

I'm talking permanently.

I mean,

you got your own parking spot.

It even has your name over it.

So, the lesson here is --

life is short, all right?

Grab your shifter, move it out

of park, and throw it into gear!

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Oh, there you are,

harold.

Did you get a picture

of moose's house for me?

I want to put it

in tomorrow's paper.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, sort of.

You know,

this is just the first roll.

You know, it's got, like --

I was just testing the lens

and the aperture,

things like that, you know.

It's what we photographers

like to call a test roll.

This is 24 pictures

of your nose, harold.

Yeah. Yeah.

I guess the lens must be on the

back on this model or something.

It took me a while, but I got

the right angle, you know,

because you don't want to get

all those, you know, like,

the 45-gallon drums

of axle grease and all

those wooden pallets

and the three fridges

on his front porch, you know?

No, those aren't real

selling points, I don't think.

And then I had to ask moose

to take his underwear

off the clothesline.

That's underwear

he's got on there?

I thought he'd bought

a sailboat.

[ alarm blaring ]

[ alarm chirps ]

possum 911!

State your card membership

number, please.

Timmy: 89, uh, 234.

Oh, hey, timmy.

Who the heck's that?

Oh, it's my friend timmy.

How did one of your

nerd dorkball friends

get to be a member

of possum lodge?

He paid all his dues.

Oh, great.

How you doing, timmy?

How can we help you?

Uh, emergency.

I'm stuck in a nebula zone.

My scepter charge is at 30%.

The galaxy mongers

are blocking all the teleports,

and my crystal's on short life.

Oh, cool!

Wow! He's playing

my favorite video game,

"galamaxia."

doesn't really sound like

the kind of problem

we have a lot of here

at possum lodge, tim.

Hey, timmy! Timmy tim tim!

What level are you on?

I'm on level 42 --

oh!

He just fazed my nova force.

Oh! Level 42?!

Wa-a-a!

How long

you been playing?

I started two days ago.

I haven't stopped.

You ever heard of girls,

tim?

Death to you on your hairy

gorp-sucking scum rockets!

He's talking about the game.

Only one supercharger left,

and I'll have all the pieces

to the oracle!

Oh, you're doing great.

You don't need any help.

Yes, I do.

I've been playing for two days,

and I don't know

how to pause it.

I have to go to the bathroom.

[ laughs ] okay. All right.

In order to pause it,

all you got to do

is just press del--

ohhh!

Never mind.

Too late.

You're talking about too late

for the game, right?

Yeah, my...

My neutral pack

was at the danger level.

My power canister

couldn't take the pressure.

You're talking about the game,

right?

It's "male call"!

[ laughs ]

that really hurts!

Okay, our first letter

goes as follows --

"dear red, my husband whistles

all the time, on purpose.

"he certainly enjoys it,

but nobody else does.

"I mean, I've even noticed birds

laughing at him.

"how can I get him

to desist?

"is there a polite way of

saying, 'dear, stop whistling,

"or I'll have to staple

your lips to your eyebrows'?

Signed, achy breaky ears."

wow, this is a real oddball one,

you know,

'cause whistling's usually

a sign of happiness, harold.

Yeah, but if -- you know,

if he's making her unhappy,

I don't know

how he could be happy.

I don't think

you can make yourself happy

if you're making

someone else unhappy.

Well, you manage to do it

on a regular basis.

Yeah,

stop a guy from whistling.

Well, I mean...

Maybe change his diet, you know?

Why don't you stuff his face

full of crackers?

That might slow him down

a little.

Remember uncle jack?

Remember uncle jack?

Remember uncle jack?

His nose whistled.

[ laughs ]

how did he ever stop?

Well, he started wearing one

of those things on his nose

that swimmers wear.

Yeah, a bikini.

You know, it worked,

but it cost him his job

at the post office.

You know what?

I'm thinking if you can't stop

this guy from whistling,

maybe you need to spend

a little bit of time

away from each other.

You know, maybe send

your husband on a

holiday all by himself.

[ laughs ] yeah, yeah.

Whistle him off

to whistler!

[ laughs ]

he could visit his mother --

whistler's mother!

[ laughs ]

whistler --

I said "whistler's mother,"

'cause that's where

he could go.

Well...

You know, I mean, ultimately,

I think when you're dealing with

a husband and a wife,

you know, if you can't get him

to go your way,

maybe you got to,

you know, change your

attitude a little bit.

Think about it this way --

as long as he's whistling,

he's not smoking,

he's not drinking,

he's not eating,

and you know where he is, huh?

Hey, harold, hey?

Maybe this lady's behavior

is the problem, eh?

Maybe she's giving him too much

to whistle about, huh?

[ both laugh ]

not just

whistling dixie there.

[ laughs ]

can you whistle that theme song

to "andy of mayberry"?

No, but I can whistle

this orange off your forehead.

Red:

Meanwhile, back at the -- ooh!

Oh, boy.

You all right, harold?

You all right?

Oh, yeah.

No, come on now.

Suck it up. Suck it up.

Suck it up.

There you go.

There you go.

You're fine, you're fine,

you're fine, you're fine.

You're fine.

You all right?

Oh, boy.

Well, anyway, they're playing

ping-pong, these guys,

and bill's -- oh, one of them

crafty tricks, eh?

Ooh, golly.

Maybe a little too much grease

on the hair there, harold,

at all, do you think?

There you go.

That makes it harder.

Hey, look at bill.

He's racking up the points.

And you might want to hit one

of those at some point, harold.

It could improve your sc--

oh, there we go.

There we go.

It's your own racquet, eh?

It is now.

Oh, we'll just --

it's handball.

It's handball now.

Look at this --

harold's winning, 20-19.

Come on, harold.

One more point.

One more point, harold.

Come on, suck it up, harold.

Come on. Suck it up.

Suck it up. Suck it up.

Oh, I didn't mean --

I didn't mean literally.

What's the matter, huh?

Whose point is that?

Is there a point yet?

How does that work?

You know, I think the ball has

to actually touch the ground.

That may take another week.

[ choking ]

uh, harold, are you all --

bill, you might want to get --

bill, you might want to just

get over in that --

go that way, go that way,

go that way.

No, this way, this way,

this way.

No, no, go that way,

go that way, go that way.

All right, all right.

That's good. That's good.

No, no.

It's not down there yet.

No, no, it's still up in

his throat somewhere, I think.

Here we go.

Now, do what you can.

This is the --

oh! -- The heim-hann maneuver.

Oh, my golly.

Oh, is that ever disgusting

to watch.

My golly. There we go.

Oh!

Oh, my gosh.

Oh.

Hey, take it easy.

That's our last ball.

Come on, you guys.

Oh, boy.

That's got to get her.

Oh, you all right there, harold?

The ball come out yet?

No? All right, one more.

This is a good one.

This is a good one.

Okay, one more coat.

You know, that ought to get her.

Oh, boy. Boy.

Yeah, yeah.

Here, bill.

You know what to try?

Exactly.

There we go!

Oh, hey, that's harold's point!

That's your game, harold!

That's your game!

Oh, man.

Boy, he's a natural, isn't he?

Add your own noun.

Here's a puppet of me made

from a viewer in new hampshire.

I think harold

had a hand in this.

Yeah, okay.

You are sure popular!

Phone hasn't stopped ringing

all afternoon.

Moose thompson called.

All right, when did he call?

What did he want?

All right, 10:30 --

"have you sold my house yet?"

10:55 --

"you sold my house yet?"

11:15 --

"any offers?"

11:20 --

"so, what goes?"

11:25 --

"sold my house yet?"

11:45 -- "do I still have

a house or what, eh?"

11:57 --

all right, harold.

I get the idea.

Boy, moose thompson is turning

into a pain in the neck.

He's only had his house

on the market one day,

and he's already putting

all kinds of pressure on me

because he's bought himself

a new place.

Well, you better sell

his place, then.

Didn't you have

an open house today?

Well,

I had the house open,

but nobody would go in there,

harold.

I think an onshore breeze

would have helped.

Yeah.

Buster hadfield

was interested,

but he was concerned there was

urea-formaldehyde in the walls.

I said, "no, no.

What you see is daylight."

you know what, then?

You know what, then?

You know what, then?

Maybe you should, like,

fix it up.

Way ahead of you, harold.

We got it all planned.

Little paint, little wallpaper,

little ceiling joists,

little I-beam,

little supporting wall,

some electricity --

what we real-estate pros

call "t.L.C."

t.L.C. --

Torch it, level it,

cart it away.

Welcome to the expert portion

of the show,

where we explore

those three little words

that men often find

so difficult to say --

all: I don't know!

So true.

[ laughs ]

okay, joining my uncle red

on the expert portion

of the show this week,

of course,

is my uncle red, natch,

and, of course, his best friend,

dalton humphrey!

Our viewer asks --

our viewer asks, "dear experts,

"sometimes when my husband

goes out,

"I'll ask him to pick something

up for me that I need.

He always forgets.

Why is that?"

well, maybe he's got one

of those extremely reliable

and accurate

one-item memories.

And you've made the mistake

of giving him item number two.

Or, you know, it could be

that the, uh, item in question

is of a highly embarrassing

nature.

Like what?

What's an embarrassing nature?

Well, see,

something that's of a...

So highly personal

in nature

that it's, uh...

Best left unspoken.

Man, you got me curious now,

dalton.

Well, all right, red.

Okay.

All right.

I'm talking about...

A recipe magazine

or a -- or a comb.

A comb is embarrassing?

Well --

how do you comb yourself,

dalton?

Look, red,

maybe it's not embarrassing

on the surface, okay,

but if that's all

you're buying,

then people start

to look at you funny.

You know, they think maybe

you've been sent to the store

for something real personal

and you chickened out

and you bought yourself

a recipe magazine or a comb!

You know?

So, you're standing there

in the checkout line, boy.

Sweat's just pouring down

your face,

'cause you know

that everybody in the store

is just smirking

and trying to imagine

what personal thing

you got sent out for

that you didn't have the guts

to buy!

You mean like pantyhose?

Oh!

For heaven's sakes, harold!

Have you no shame?!

Yeah, okay, dalton.

But what if you only went for,

like, a quart of milk

or something?

Oh, sure, sure.

You know,

on your way to the cooler,

you have to go past that rack

full of filthy magazines!

Yeah, that's true.

I would imagine.

But what if you're just

gonna mail a letter or

something like that?

If you're just gonna mail a

letter or something like that?

A letter?

You know the kind of sleazy

reputation a letter has,

especially if that letter

happens to be

of particularly european,

dare I say,

french persuasion.

Man, you are really stepping

off the dock on this one.

Whoo-hoo!

Boy, oh, boy.

Mr. Humphrey,

with an attitude like that,

your wife can't send you

to the store for a single item.

Bingo.

[ laughter ]

well, I tell you, there is

no figuring some people.

So, the renovation

of moose thompson's house

go per usual?

It was a disaster, harold.

That's a yes.

Wa-a-a!

I told moose, "let's just

take out the one wall,

give it kind of

an open-concept look."

but when we did that,

they all come down.

I guess they must have been

connected.

They sure didn't look it.

Oh. So, like, now moose thompson

has no home at all?

No, not really, harold.

It's more of a basement

with a roof on it.

You know,

it'll never sell now.

Oh, really, huh?

Sold within the hour, harold!

How about that?

Apparently,

the lot was worth more

without moose's house

on it.

Saves the new owner

having to rent a bulldozer.

So, is that a big,

fat commission check

I see there in your shirt?

No.

Nothing.

Junior singleton bought the

place, so it was a no-cash deal.

Gave him half a school bus

as a down payment,

and he pays him a k-car a month

for five years.

So my commission was a broken

snowmobile and a goat.

Then the goat ate the snowmobile

and dropped dead.

[ laughs ]

so -- so, your commission's

out of commission.

[ laughs ]

because, you know...

[ screeching ]

meeting time, uncle red.

Well, you go, harold.

Go now.

[ screeching continues ]

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I think maybe I'm gonna get

out of the real-estate business.

Anybody who looks like I do

and thinks like I do

is not gonna get many offers.

But if you give me one, I think

we can close that deal tonight.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

Captioning made possible by

acorn media

[ screeching ]

harold: All right.

Stand up, stand up.

[ laughs ]

I didn't say, "simon says."

all:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Red: Sit down, guys.

Harold?

Oh, yeah, okay.

The local pizzeria called.

They said they will no longer

honor the 30-minutes-or-free

if you're gonna be phoning

from mobile homes.

To join possum lodge

or to get yourself

some possum lodge merchandise,

call 1-800-ypossum.

Or if you're a techno geek,

check out harold's home page

on the internet.