The Love Boat/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Here's the man who inspires us

to boldly go where

no handyman has gone before,

the psychiatric ward,

your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

thank you very much.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

I was hoping to show you

a boat project

we're working on,

but we've had a set-back.

We got

a new boat?

Junior singleton got

a big gravel barges.

Gonna turn her into

a bass boat -- 40-ton capacity.

Big enough for the whole lodge.

Just.

You're gonna need

a bigger motor to push it.

We've each got one.

You fit them

all the way around the sides.

Everybody's got

their own motor.

Yeah.

But if everybody has

their own motor,

how you gonna steer it?

Point your motor

where you wanna go,

and if you can get enough

horsepower to agree with ya

you're gonna get there.

Talk about democracy

in action --

so what's the hold-up?

There's no real nice way

to put this,

but, junior's

no longer with us.

He's gone.

Junior singleton's dead?

No, harold, it's worse.

He's in love.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the message being,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

Junior singleton's

really serious about a girl?

Where did they meet?

They met at one of

tool-swap-meet things.

Her name is noreen,

and she was there

trying to trade her

butterfly impact wrench,

and along comes junior

with his flexible-head ratchet

with two nuts missing.

Love at first swap.

They got nothing in common.

I mean, she's metric,

he's imperial.

Can't work.

Sounds like you

don't want it to work,

uncle red.

We should have

seen this coming.

We should have known

there was a girl involved.

He's been so happy lately,

shaving every day,

eating properly.

Saying "excuse me,"

no matter who did it.

(laughing)

he looks the same.

I saw him going into norton's

feed and videos.

He went in to get

"our man flint"

starring james coburn.

He came out with "xanadu"

starring olivia newton-john.

That's what love will do.

Why can't junior work on

the boat and see noreen?

Once noreen is there

they get into

the mushy-face stuff

and you can't concentrate.

You'll understand

once puberty kicks in.

Later, we're gonna have

"adventures with bill".

These boys are going to

ford the stream.

If I'd have gone

with the van,

I would have dodged the stream.

A little automotive humour.

This is some kind of camp.

It's certainly not high camp,

and hopefully not "mein" camp.

It's just camp.

They're gonna get

a little drinking water.

The water up here is like

crystal-spring clear.

You can take it right out of

many of the lakes and streams.

This isn't one of them though.

No, no, no, no.

All right, yeah, yeah.

All right, fine, you're fine.

Bill, being an avid camper,

has

water purification tablets.

That looks like something

that has been re-labelled by...

By...

That suggests to me

that's probably not --

ok, they're fine.

There we go.

You just put

a few of those tablets

in with your water --

not too many now, bill.

No, I think you need two.

Just the two, two, two...

Then you put the water in

and you get

a chemical reaction.

This may be why it's...

Uh... Boys, that's a...

Fellas, I think you put

a little too much.

You're getting too much,

too much -- you might wanna

get the top off.

You've got time.

Take the top off.

Get it off, get it off,

get it off.

That was only a suggestion.

You should have left

the top on there, guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, what they have there

is crystal clear rain,

and crystal clear fog,

which is what bill and harold

are in most of the time.

Oh yeah.

You still got a couple --

there you go.

You can at least purify

your own saliva, right, harold?

Hopefully

it will sterilize him.

♪ oh, the mountain is high ♪

♪ and the valley is low ♪

♪ it's the laws of nature

that make it so ♪

♪ if the valley

is high ♪

♪ and the mountain is low ♪

♪ you're either upside down

or drunk or both ♪

♪ low ♪

she told you

where to pick her up.

She told you to write it down.

You told her

you didn't need to.

Where has that gotten ya?

Looking for a house

that may have your wife in it.

This is not your finest hour.

You're gonna have to

redeem yourself big-time.

This is what you gotta do.

Rent one of

those portable signs,

the ones you tow

behind your car.

Make up a mushy sign

just for her.

Hook it up --

start driving around.

Honk your horn.

Shout her name.

Whatever draws a crowd.

Hopefully you'll be in

the right general area,

and she'll hear you coming.

Unfortunately,

so will all the neighbours.

They'll all come out,

and you'll be able to

pick her out in the crowd.

Yoo-hoo, honey.

You will be professing

your love

in front of people

you've never met,

but she'll never suspect

you forgot where she was.

Sure, you'll look like a dork,

but it's better than her

finding out the truth.

The important thing

is that you found her.

And you've done something

that could be vaguely construed

as romantic.

We know you're not romantic --

you're just stupid.

The beauty of wood furniture

is you can paint it

any colour you want,

black, orange, purple,

whatever goes

with your curtains.

This chair is one bernice and I

call our guest chair.

A lot of memories

in this chair,

not happy ones.

If I'm going to strip

that chair,

there have got to be

10 coats of paint,

so I'm gonna need something

powerful to take that off.

Remember, when

you're taking these off,

you're talking...

Kind of corrosive-- oh!

Very corrosive stuff.

I would suggest you go with

the protective-- ah!

I would recommend that you go

with the protective gloves,

unless you really enjoy

a good burn.

And, uh, you might wanna wear

an apron, too, to avoid injury.

Or arrest, or frostbite.

There we go.

We got the chemical on there.

Now we, uh...

The stuff has stripped

the instructions off the can.

Hmm?

What?

We wait?

All right,

harold says we wait.

I've been waiting

upwards of two minutes.

Nothing bugs a handyman more

than a stripper

that works too slow.

I think we gotta spike up

our chemical mix,

throw some normal stripper in.

I got this other,

special stuff.

Got this from my grandfather.

They found it in the barn

after the cow died.

Oh boy, she's pretty thick.

That should do the trick.

Oh my!

Get that on the chair.

We got a few layers off.

I'd say we're back to

about 1978.

But we're still not down to

bare wood.

So I think we need to switch

to something stronger.

I got a great mix

going in here.

I got bleach.

I got caustic soda.

I got drain cleaner,

nail polish remover,

ammonia, peroxide,

and six bottles of

mr. Gouda's snappy pop.

All I need to do

is take my car battery

and jump start

the whole shebang.

By golly.

Better get this on the chair

before it eats through the pot.

There we go.

Chair's smaller than I thought.

Must have been

more paint on there...

That chemical is...

We haven't just refinished

the chair.

We've actually finished it.

Remember, if women

don't find you handsome

they should at least

find you handy.

Doesn't surprise me.

Relax -- whatever this is,

we got more of it.

I wanna talk to you

about something

that you're probably

already aware of.

When you think about

how many things

there are to know,

you don't know many of them.

When you were a teenager

you knew everything.

But didn't you find that

the smarter you got

the less you knew.

Now you can barely find

your car keys.

A lot of guys learn

all there is to know

about some obscure topic,

like studebaker hood ornaments,

then try to work that

into every conversation.

They'll say "the president

of the united states,

"that's a person that

people look to, a symbol.

"you know what it

reminds me of?

"hood ornaments."

here's a better idea.

Try do what women do.

It's called listening.

Women have mastered the art

of listening to people

go on and on about something

that no one has

any interest in.

Things like hood ornaments.

So try listening to someone.

They won't mind that

you're not saying anything.

They'll think you're agreeing

with their opinions,

and, in their minds,

you'll be brilliant.

Here's the best part.

You don't have to pretend

to be smarter

than the person

you're listening to.

Chances are you're not.

Remember, I'm pulling for ya.

We're all in this together.

What started as a great idea

is a big pain in the neck.

We got junior

working on the boat again.

Now he brings noreen

with him.

She is the yoko ono

of bass barges.

(audience laughing)

uncle red, you're

just uncomfortable

having women around.

No, I'm not, harold.

If my wife, bernice,

was working--

ok, that's a bad example.

But there are

plenty of women who would be

an addition to the team.

Like that woman on "home time"

or martina navratilova --

someone like that.

Baloney, baloney, baloney,

baloney, baloney!

Noreen's a real helpful

kind of person.

She got the generator started

when you guys

couldn't.

She knows

when you're lost.

That's got nothing

to do with it.

She's just not one of the guys.

Hugging and kissing

makes everybody feel bad.

The guys who don't have girls

feel bad.

The married guys start thinking

about what could have been,

or should never have been

if there was a kind,

compassionate god.

If you guys got problems

in your relationships,

it's always your fault.

You guys could change.

We don't want

to change!

Why do you think

we started the lodge?

(siren)

possum 911 -- please state

your membership card number!

Oh, uh, hi, harold.

Uh, is red there?

Uh, hi, mr. Rothschild,

what's up?

Oh, nothing, you know?

Just... Just driving around.

Ok, so what's the emergency?

Uh, no... No emergency, harold.

Well, you did dial

the 911 possum line.

Oh, did I? Oh, sorry.

I thought I was calling 411,

actually.

Yeah, information.

Ok, what kind of information

would you like, sir?

Is... Is red there or, uh...

It's ok to admit that

you're lost, mr. Rothschild.

I can give you directions.

Lost?! Hah!

Please, harold, I'm not lost.

Never been lost

a day in my life.

You're lost,

if you're thinking that way.

Is red there?

Yeah, I'm here, winston.

I understand you're just

driving around tonight.

Yeah, just, uh, you know,

coming back

from an estate sale

over at green slime harbour,

and now I'm just kinda

going home.

Just noticed that they took

the old water tower down.

No, it's still there.

It's just west of flinty

mcclintock's scrap metal yard.

Right.

Oh... Oh, west

of flinty's place... Yeah.

Yeah, which is just north

of the lodge.

Ok.

You know, winston,

on a completely

unrelated matter,

we're having problems here

with the electrical.

A lot of shorts and the lights

are flickering real bad.

I don't know

what the heck's going on.

Ok! Wow! Look at that!

They sure are sparking, there.

Yeah.

Well, bob's your uncle,

molly's your aunt.

I can see 'em from here.

Thanks, red --

I'll be right over.

Looks like it's just a right

turn, a left, and another left.

No, another right.

That's what I said!

(red): Time for

"adventures with bill".

The two lads are gonna cross

the stream.

My dad once told me

that the journey of life

is crossing a stream,

and sometimes you get onto

a wiggly rock

and you gotta get off that

right away.

He said, "the most dangerous

rocks are the big flat ones,

"'cause you want to lie down

and sun yourself on them."

that wasn't a dangerous one.

You want to sun yourself

on a big rock.

You don't want to move on,

but you gotta move on.

Oh, there you go.

Move on, harold, move on.

Away you go -- attaboy.

So bill taking

the backpack off.

Resourcefulness is the secret

to all camping trips.

He whips out...

What is that, now?

That would be...

That would be a rope.

We have a rope in his pants.

Be interesting to watch bill

get dressed in the morning.

No, probably not

after breakfast -- anyway,

he throws that across.

And he lassees--

resourcefulness --

there we go again --

lassos a tree thing

that was hanging there,

probably from

a previous trip of theirs.

He has harold go

and tie the other end.

Harold does those fancy knots

he learned from watching

"the smurfs".

There you go, harold --

end over end,

up and over, inside out.

What bill's gonna do is

just use that--

there we go.

Oh, my gosh.

He's gonna use that to hold

himself up, take the weight.

You gotta realize

that professional campers

would use a wire cable

or a pre-...

A pre-stretched...

Maybe not a cotton.

Maybe something that

doesn't have the give.

Bill has not prepared

as well as he should have.

Am I right?

Yeah, yeah!

Anyway, I see -- he's staying

with the theory, you know?

Bill has a way

of ignoring the evidence.

Harold has the evidence

and I ignore that, myself.

He got across,

that's the main thing.

There's the resourcefulness

kicking in.

Like a towel, bill?

Where did that come from?

Well, now, wait a sec.

How did harold get across?

You were on the other side.

How did you get--

oh, resourcefulness!

(laughing)

it's a bridge, bill.

Huh? Yeah.

Throw in the towel.

Throw it in, throw it in.

And don't worry, folks.

Wherever they go,

they'll be lost.

Here are some cartoon drawings

sent by some viewers.

Well, good news.

We got our barge and

our junior back on track.

You should be ashamed

of yourself.

Why? Junior and little noreen

had a fight.

Nothing to do with me.

They're not even engaged

and she's asking junior

about having kids.

She said she wanted to build

lockers for life-jackets.

When did you see

adults wearing life-jackets?

(audience laughing)

she was getting junior

onto a slippery slope.

You could tell he wasn't

comfortable with the subject.

Well, who would be?

All the lodge members

goading him on,

poking him in the ribs.

I love when they have

those polite fights.

"dear...

"I think you're wrong."

"no, no,

no, no.

"it's you

that is wrong."

"no, no, no, no, no.

"let's go discuss this

in the car."

"fine, fine, fine, fine!"

and all through

the clenched teeth.

Clenched teeth, like that.

If junior got any more cordial,

he'd snap his upper plate.

I hope

they're ok.

Yeah, sure they are.

That's the second stage

of a relationship -- anger.

Relationships have stages?

You got denial,

then you got anger,

then you got bargaining...

Those are the stages

of death and mourning.

And marriage, harold.

Oh, yeah, and marriage.

It's that part of the show

where we examine

those three words

that men find

so difficult to say.

(audience):

"I don't know!"

I love when they do that.

All right, joining my uncle red

on the expert portion

is his best friend,

mr. Hap shaughnessy.

Applause, applause, applause.

(applause)

ok, um... Ok, ok, ok, ok!

"dear experts, I am a student

at a high school

"in a faraway place,

not near possum lake.

"unlike your handsome nephew,

harold,

"I am having trouble

at school with bullies.

"what can I do about this?

"signed, ivan ivanovitch."

(audience laughing)

well, ivan, you may not be

as handsome as harold,

but you have exactly

the same handwriting.

(harold):

That's odd.

(laughing)

ok, uh, ivan.

Ivan...

You know.

All right.

Ivan, the best way

to deal with bullies

is to learn one of them

self-defence things.

They got the judo

and the tae kwon-do.

Yeah, and

the fah-so la-ti-do.

Pardon me, hap?

Fah-so la-ti-do.

It's a martial arts technique

that I developed

when I was dwight eisenhower's

bodyguard.

(audience laughing)

(harold): I never heard

of fah-so la-ti-do.

I sang it a few times.

I only taught it

to a few people.

It's a technique

that combines karate,

judo, ninja, and, uh,

rhythmic gymnastics.

(audience laughing)

rhythmic gymnastics?!

Isn't that where you do

the gymnastics

with the rubber ball and baton

and you wave

them big ribbons around?

That's the one.

I got a silver for that

in the '52 olympics.

I thought

rhythmic gymnastics

was a female

competition.

(audience laughing)

I know -- I snuck in

with the russian women.

(laughing and applause)

well, the barge is ready and

junior's all set to cast off.

Whoa!

What about his girlfriend --

is she going?

No, noreen's with her friends

and junior's with his.

Aw, they broke up.

No, they had their fight --

that was the bargaining part.

Now they're into the final

stage -- acceptance.

No more false pretences,

no more being

on your best behaviour.

(laughing)

that was junior's

best behaviour?

No, harold, they've reached the

best part of a relationship.

They're comfortable

with each other.

They're not spending time

together.

They're giving each other

space.

They're taking each other

for granted.

They accept the person

for what they are.

When I'm married,

I'll spend time with my wife,

tend to her needs,

and be there for her.

When I have a rolls royce,

I'll wash and wax it every day.

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

you'll never have

a rolls royce.

Right.

(laughing and applause)

(possum squeal)

oh!

Meeting time, harold.

Away you go, away you go.

I'm just kidding you!

You'll probably get married.

Hey, lyle lovett married

julia roberts,

for crying out loud.

Yeah! Yeah!

Mind you,

it only lasted about an hour.

(laughing)

if my wife is watching,

I'm coming right home

after we do some fishing.

I'm planning to ignore you,

take you for granted,

not talk to you,

and I'm hoping you're in

a romantic mood, too.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(red): All right, harold.

(harold): Up and at 'em,

do your business.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down.

Junior singleton wanted me

to announce that he has

an '82 pacer that he would like

to trade for a garbage can...

Or a gremlin convertible.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchande,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

me page

the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!