Out Of The Woods/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Now, every time we travel,

my wife spends the

whole plane trip

worried either that

we're going to crash

or that they're going

to lose our luggage.

I tell her, hey, if we crash

it doesn't matter if they

lose our luggage.

That doesn't satisfy her,

so I've had to come up with

a better solution to the

luggage problem...

Don't take any.

[ sea gulls crying ]

as good as they are at it,

even the airlines can't lose

luggage that you don't have.

Instead, get yourself

a gigundo shirt,

about ten sizes too big for

you, if there is such a thing,

and if there isn't,

you might want to reconsider

the whole idea of air travel.

Then get some plastic bags,

attach them to the outside

of your pants,

and start packing.

All right,

better than carry on;

see, it's wear-on.

I've got everything with me.

[ laughter and applause ]

intercom:

-- 054 flight to miami

now boarding at gate four.

[ cheering and applause ]

thank you very much.

All right.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Got a bit of a problem up

at the lodge this week.

There's some kind of a creature

roaming around the woods

at night,

moaning and wailing.

Even on days when the

bars are closed.

Hasn't really attacked anybody,

but we're gonna catch it and

move it away to somewhere

where it won't get

into any trouble.

Kind of like what my parents

did when they brought me

up here.

Okay, red,

we've got the hole dug.

We're all ready for the trap.

All right.

How's this

thing work exactly?

Don't touch it, red!

No, no, no.

I'm not touching it.

It's very sensitive.

This is a humane

large animal trap.

Yeah. Yeah.

In the ground.

You bury the box

yeah.

You prop the lid up.

Oh, I see.

Hang the bait.

And then you

and then you're

all set.

Ah-h-h!

Red, I thought I told

you to stay away

from the trap!

I made myself

very clear.

Yeah, I, uh --

I -- I didn't

touch it.

Red, lying is

never the answer.

Oh, sure it is.

Grab the end there,

and we'll get it

out to the woods

all right.

Before it gets dark.

( grunting )

you know, ed --

uh, ed!

This contraption would be a

lot lighter if you took

the bait bag out of it.

Right!

Okay, good.

Don't touch it!

Don't touch it!

It's very sensitive!

All right. All right.

Okay, here we go.

What's in that

bait bag, anyway?

Yeah?

Oh, sweet stuff.

Yeah, candies, chocolates,

honey, peanut butter.

I figure we're

dealing with a bear!

And, uh, they usually

have a sweet tooth.

Ah, ah, ah.

Stay back, red, while I

close the lid on the trap.

Ah-h-h!

[ laughter and applause ]

if you love something,

set it free.

If it comes back,

call rothschild's sewage

and septic sucking services.

It's time to play the

possum lodge word game.

[ cheering and applause ]

today's prize is from billy

bob's big and tall men's shop,

the biggest pair

of pants in the store.

You can either wear them

or use them as a tent

with pockets.

Red, you have 30 seconds

to get mike to

say this word...

Yeah, all right, ed.

Okay.

And go!

Okay, mike,

carrying a rabbit's foot

means you're probably...

A pretty good shot?

Okay, okay, okay.

You throw money into a

fountain because it's...

Evidence.

Okay, okay.

When you were born,

your dad came to the hospital.

He saw you were kind of

cute and cuddly,

and he felt very...

Trapped.

No.

All right, then.

All right, then.

Your mom, okay.

Your mom when she saw you,

she realised she was really...

Bad at math.

[ laughter ]

[ laughter and applause ]

ed: Almost outta time, red.

Yeah, all right, mike.

Okay, mike, what do you call

the richest guy in the world?

A mark.

People are always

hitting on you, right.

I mean, the guy with

nothing is the lucky one.

Red: There we go!

[ cheering and applause ]

over the years, the success

of a lot of companies

can be measured by

the effectiveness of

their advertising slogan.

Now, even though a lot

of these old slogans

are from the past,

they still apply today.

And more importantly,

they can apply to

rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Remember old slogans like,

"the quicker picker upper,"

or "that was some

spicy meatball"?

Or how about this one...

"where's the beef?"

I know the answer to that.

So help us pick a slogan,

and you'll receive a year's

free sucking for you and

a loved one.

Rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services,

we're number two.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ brakes squeaking ]

you know, everybody in

the whole possum lake area

really loves a parade.

We used to have

them every month,

and then the

one-man band got married

and his wife won't let him

wear the cymbals on his

knees any more.

So this week on

handyman corner,

I'm gonna show you how to turn

this car into one of

those calliopes;

you know, a parade float

pipe organ.

You know, an all-in-one

mobile party music machine.

Okay, the first thing I gotta

do is sort through this

pile of pipes

and find ones that

make the right note.

[ tuba-like sound ]

all right, that's a "b."

oh.

Better make that a b-flat.

[ tuba-like sound ]

yeah.

Luckily I got a good ear.

I only had to test 25 pipes

to get my eight-note scale.

But don't worry,

I didn't inhale.

Now, we can't just have these

pipes coming out of the

hood any old way.

It's not enough to sound good;

you have to also look good.

Doe,

ray,

me.

Okay, now, I've got these pipes

hooked up as exhaust headers

on each of my eight cylinders,

so when that spark plug fires

it sounds like that note.

All I gotta do now

is open the hood

and hook up the distributor cap

to this little keyboard here.

Oh.

You know, I'm just as glad that

I had that little setback

with the hood there

because it gave me the idea

to put the manual choke

on this thing,

which I can use as kind of

a tremolo control.

If I affect the amount of

gas going to the engine,

I can make the pitch and tone

go up and down on the

various notes,

which I've connected,

by the way, to my keyboard.

All the spark plug

wires come in here,

so when I press on middle "c,"

it only sends a spark

to that cylinder.

Okay, now all I gotta do

is add my rhythm section.

I call 'em hubcap maracas.

It's a

rolling stones road tour.

[ out of tune pipes moaning ]

now, that's what

I call a tune-up.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ sound of badly tuned

horns blasting ]

[ applause ]

this is one of those

moments I don't enjoy,

but it's gotta be done.

If you're about

my age and attitude,

you may have a habit that

borders on addiction.

You may in fact be

a junk junkie.

I'm talking about all that

crap you've collected

over all those years

that you think you may get

around to using some day.

You know the drums and rotors

from when you did your

very own brake job

on your first car?

Those pieces of broken fence

that are a direct result

of that brake job?

That pile of old windows

you've got down in the cellar

that no longer fit

any orifice in your world?

It's time to face

the awful truth.

If you haven't been able

to put your car in the

garage since 1987,

that's not good.

If you have more than

75 jars of liquid

that you can't identify,

you may have a problem.

If you can't use your bathtub

because it's full of

beer bottle caps and

broken toasters,

well, you may be just

one box of left shoes away

from living alone

with 40 or 50 cats.

Now, I know

what you're thinking...

"I'm not a nutbar,

I'm just frugal."

but at our age we're running

outta time to use all

that junk.

And after you're gone

the last thing you want

is a bunch of relatives

rummaging through your estate,

deciding who

gets the hubcaps.

So I'm telling you,

my friend,

you gotta get rid

of that junk right now.

Do it today.

But wait 'til I get there.

There might be something

I could use.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Hi, winston rothschild here

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

If you take a deep breath

and wilt like a flower,

if you need a new air

freshener hour after hour,

if your front lawn is short

and your back lawn is tall,

I think it's time

to give me a call.

[ applause ]

well,

we managed to catch

whatever it was we

were dealing with

out there.

Just stay back!

You have no reason

to be alarmed.

You're not in any danger!

Yeah,

all right, ed.

We're all

pretty calm,

comparatively speaking,

you know.

Hey, I'm the

professional here, red.

Fine.

Well, let's

open up the trap

and see what we

got in there.

Come on.

Sure -- yeah,

good idea.

Do you wanna do that now?

Yeah, that's what

I was thinking.

I was thinking of

waiting 'til later.

Oh, no, I think we should

open her up right now.

Okay, sure,

we can -- we can do that.

Did you wanna do that

or shall I?

You told me you were

the professional,

so you go

ahead and do it.

But I tell you what,

I'll pinch hit if

you strike out.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

What's it --

ah-h-h!

( screaming )

[ laughter and applause ]

dalton, what are

you doing here?

I was hoping

you could tell me.

Have you been living in

the woods for the

last few days?

Well, yeah, I've been having

a little trouble at home.

You know, I thought maybe if

I could get away on my own

for a few days,

maybe clear my head out.

You got any more

of that chocolate?

You having marital

problems, dalton?

Yeah.

Those ones with the soft

caramel centres were

just fabulous.

Are you and anne marie

splitting up?

I-I-I don't know, red.

I'm just confused.

I don't know what to do.

And I got a toothache.

Well, do you still have

feelings for anne marie?

Yes, yes, I do.

Or did you mean

positive feelings?

Come on, now,

dalton.

Quit kidding

around here.

Do you still

care about her?

Yeah.

Probably.

Then you should just

go home and tell her

that right now.

You know, I think I could

if you come with me,

because if I go home by myself

I'm gonna look like an idiot.

Well, I don't want you

looking like an idiot.

There's only one

song that applies

to rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services...

♪ na na na na

na na na na ♪

♪ hey, hey, hey,

good-bye ♪

oh, hi, folks.

Well, this is the part

of the show everybody

looks forward to.

You know, all the other guys

that do stuff on the show

are pretty darned jealous

of me and my cartoons.

Why?

Because they have to

live in a world of reality.

Not me.

No way, no how, no, sir.

No reality for me.

( crying )

sorry.

Anyway, today's cartoon is

about signs in the forest.

And as usual, I've done

everything on the production.

Oh, except for

international distribution.

I didn't do that.

Oh, and I didn't

go to the wrap party.

But other than that,

it's all me.

And, as usual,

for creative inspiration

I've drawn from some of my

experiences as a forest ranger,

actually, all of my

experiences as a forest ranger.

Except for that one summer

when I ate those mushrooms.

Oh, mercy.

Oh, anyway,

I hope you enjoy it.

I hope you learn from it.

And I hope women

see it and go berserk

and come up to my tower and

we can fool around.

Ha ha!

Oh, but don't come at night.

I don't have any lights,

and you can't play

checkers at night.

Anyway, here we go.

[ ♪♪ ]

[ ♪ ]

well, here we are.

I guess you're wondering why

I brought you two

to this deep, dark and

dangerous neck of the woods.

Yeah, where are we,

ranger gord?

I have no idea.

Gord, are you saying

you got us lost?

For our own

good, red.

This way we can practice

our survival instincts.

Well, I'm glad I

brought my compass.

Oh, those things are just

superstitious mumbo-jumbo.

You don't actually believe the

world is a big magnet, do you?

If you find yourself

lost in the woods,

the best course of action

is to ask the spirits of

the forest for guidance.

Um, how do

you do that?

( yelling ) spirits!

[ gord's echo continues ]

we're in the

middle of nowhere, gord.

Yelling your head off is

not going to help.

The spirits have given

us a sign, harold.

Uh, this sign doesn't really

help us at all, ranger gord.

It just tells us we're standing

in amongst many trees.

Harold, are you mocking the

spirits of the forest?

Uh, oh, no.

No way.

No, I'm doing that,

not at all, no.

Let's hope not because

they're big on punishment.

Oh, you two are no

help at all.

Yeah, hello, spirits?

Yeah, this is ranger gord.

Yeah, yeah,

that was me earlier.

Look, thanks for the sign,

but I'll be needing a

direct route out of here.

Fantastic.

Forest spirits can be awfully

generous sometimes, folks,

but don't always expect the

red carpet treatment, though.

Those two certainly didn't.

( laughing )

[ applause ]

[ cheering and applause ]

you ever notice how

on those space programmes

how they have those neat doors

on the rocket ships

that open when

they see you coming?

Wouldn't it be great to have

a pair of spiffy doors like

that on your house?

People tell me

it can't be done,

but "can't" is a

word I don't use.

Although I certainly hear

it often enough

from my wife and

other local authorities.

Okay, first thing you wanna do

is get yourself a couple of

motion detectors,

one for the outside,

one for the inside.

I got these babies second hand

form the post office.

And with the amount of motion

going on down there,

I figure these

are as good as new.

Now, all's I did is I hooked up

the motion detectors to these

windshield wiper motors.

I know, windshield wiper motors

are supposed to be 12 volt,

but I find household current

just makes 'em go that

must faster.

Now, watch what happens as

I approach the doorway.

All I have to do now

is add the doors.

I went with shower curtains.

They're lightweight,

they're weatherproof,

and around the lodge they

really won't be missed

all that much.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to report

to the bridge.

[ cheering and applause ]

you sure told a lot of

people about your

wife's snoring.

Yeah, your, uh, choice

of colourful imagery

sure gets the laughs.

A rubber elephant

coming down a

waterslide.

[ laughter ]

but, hey, you've listened to

her complain about your

snoring for years.

Mind you, your wife didn't

do it at a wedding,

like you did.

As part of your

toast to the groom.

At the head table,

over the public

address system.

Yeah, that was a

work of real courage.

And now you don't know

whether your wife is

snoring or not

because you're shivering

yourself to sleep in the

back seat of your car.

You need some warmth and

companionship.

But don't you even

think about apologizing.

You can't even begin

to afford the cost

of the flowers

it's gonna take

to put this right.

So wait 'til

the morning,

ring the doorbell,

and try

and look ashamed.

And don't mention how

quiet it was in the car.

Yeah, just keep your

head low under the radar,

wait 'til

the storm passes,

and you'll be back in

your own bed before

you know it.

And then do what all

snoring couples do...

Pick a key

and harmonize.

And don't thank us.

That's what

friends are for.

[ applause ]

well, I took dalton home.

He went inside and sat

down in the living room

and talked to anne marie.

Things seemed to

be going pretty well.

Anne marie invited me

to stay for dinner,

but then dalton gave

me one of these...

Which I figured it meant

she was a lousy cook.

So I left.

But he's gonna drop

by the lodge later

and tell me how it went.

Yeah.

Oh, red.

I just got a

call from dalton.

He says that he's

not coming down to

the lodge meeting tonight.

Did he say anything

about anne marie?

Why would she be coming down

to the lodge meeting?

I mean did he say anything

about how they're

getting along?

Oh, no, no.

Just that he and anne marie

were going out together for

dinner and a movie

and that he'd be sleeping

in his own house tonight.

Oh, well, sounds like he's

losing the fight, huh?

Well, he seemed

pretty happy.

Of course, that could

have been just

a sugar buzz

from all that candy.

Yeah, well, as long as

he's happy, that's

the main thing.

Sometimes the best way

to make a marriage work

is to lose

once in a while.

You ever think about

getting married, ed?

Uh, yeah.

I'm waiting until

I understand women.

Yeah, I was afraid

I wouldn't live

that long.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, there's the

meeting, red.

Yeah, you go ahead.

I'll be right down.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and you know, I think I may be

guilty of some of the same

things that dalton is,

so if you need me to

spend more time with you,

you just say the word.

I mean, I'd give up

everything for you.

You know that.

My bad habits, my friends,

my whole life here

at the lodge,

I'd give that up in a flash.

You know if it

was absolutely necessary.

Of course, you know after that

I'd be lost and miserable

and probably want

to kill myself.

It's your call, honey.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

okay, everybody.

Sit down, everybody.

Sit down. Sit down.

Everybody sit down.

Sit down, please.

Sit down, now.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

All: I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Red: Okay, men, I have

some good news for you.

Dalton and anne marie

have kind of reconciled.

They're going back to

being a married couple.

( clapping twice )

so I'd like to have two minutes

of silence for dalton here,

because he sure as heck isn't

gonna get it at home.

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