Red Green Does New Years/Transcript

Opening Scene
''{Red stands outside the lodge behind a worktable. He is screwing something into something else.}''

RED GREEN: I know we all want to celebrate New Year's, but when you're alone, there's a real danger of going over the line between harmless indiscretion and serious jail time. And that line is usually connected to the amount and frequency of your alcohol intake. 'Cause, see, when you're alone, you don't have an alcohol consumption consultant nearby, like, say, a policeman or a member of the clergy, or the ultimate authority, your own wife. {straightens out a cord} Here's something you can do to stop yourself from drinking too much. {holds up an opened-up clock radio} Open up your clock radio. Break into the snooze control circuit. Not hard to find. {points with index finger} Just keep touching wires and pushing the snooze button. You'll find the right ones in no time.

{Red takes the clock radio and walks over to a soda vending machine.}

RED GREEN: Now, the way a snooze alarm works normally is, {puts clock radio on top of vending machine} you press a button; it shuts the radio off for an hour. {opens up vending machine} But for our purposes, I'm gonna splice into the dispensing circuit on this pop machine...

''{Red tries to disconnect a wire on the circuit the machine. Suddenly, there is a big explosion of sparks from the circuit. Red recoils from the shock and finishes plugging the radio wire into the vending machine circuit.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, uh, you might wanna unplug her first, but I don't have that kind of time. {closes up vending machine} Okay, now what happens is, you take all the pop out of there, replace it with cans of your favorite fermented beverage. All right. Now it's New Year's. You feel like a brewskie? You press a button, which also activates the snooze control.

''{Red pushes a button on the vending machine. A can of beer comes out into the open compartment near the bottom. Red takes it.}''

RED GREEN: And now you can't have another beer for an hour! {looks at can of beer; suddenly looks disappointed} Happy New Year.

Intro
''{The lodge is decked out for New Year's Eve. Red and Harold enter the lodge, waving to the audience. Harold is wearing a party hat and blowing a party streamer. They walk up a little closer to the camera, and Harold dances and grooves in place. Red tries to wave down the audience's applause.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. {Harold makes "raise-the-roof" motions with his hands} Thank you, by golly. All right now. {applause dies down} We, uh... We appreciate that. Welcome to our New Year's special. Never done a New Year's special before. I'm sure that'll become painfully obvious in the not-too-distant future.

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head} Don't listen to him! I don't. {giggles} We have a great show for you! It's just our way of helping you bring in the new year.

RED GREEN: Yeah, that's right. You know, and if there's anybody out there who's maybe over forty or you got a couple kids and you wanna kinda celebrate, y'know, New Year's early and be in bed sawing by the time midnight comes around... {laughs} Boy, I envy you!

{Harold blows the party streamer right in Red's ear to get his attention.}

HAROLD GREEN: There's that wet blanket thing again. {to camera} Listen, you just do whatever works for you, okay? We just wanna make sure that you look forward to a happy new year!

RED GREEN: Well, that's all I'm saying, 'cause they may have had a crappy old year. That's all– That's the only...

{Harold blows the party streamer in Red's ear again.}

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no. Uncle Red, this is– this is New Year's! It's a time of expectations and optimism, you know? Can we see a little enthusiasm and excitement, please? {looks nervous}

RED GREEN: No, I... You know, Harold, I don't like excitement, you know? Excitement ends up in the hospital. {nods} Sometimes the maternity ward. {moves arms around} But I think, you know, if we work together, we'll get through this just fine.

HAROLD GREEN: NOT gonna get through it!

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: We're going to celebrate it!

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right.

HAROLD GREEN: It's New Year's! We're gonna celebrate! {serious tone} I wanna see some enthusiasm right now!

RED GREEN: {hesitantly} Okay, all right. Uh... {to camera} Okay, um... All right, let's, uh... {holds up fist} let's whoop it up. Let's whoop it up, and, uh, let's... Hey, let's party. Let's party. There we go. Let's party. {looks at Harold}

HAROLD GREEN: That's it?

RED GREEN: That was it.

HAROLD GREEN: {mimicking Red's holding up fist} Whoop it up?

RED GREEN: Whoop it up.

HAROLD GREEN: Whoop? Oh, we're goin' nuts, huh? Whoop it up! Well, we gotta go! {dances, grooves and raps} C'mon, you gotta– let's go! Come on, it's time to par-tay, my peeps! {crosses arms in front of him as he still grooves} See? {Red stares} Come on! {continues to groove for a few more seconds, grins and nods head}

RED GREEN: Where did we go wrong with you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it was all those years of not getting the respect I deserved.

RED GREEN: You got what you deserved, it just wasn't respect.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

''{The camera pulls back to reveal Winston standing behind the card table where Harold and Dalton Humphrey are seated. Harold applauds. Winston nods and holds up a flyer for some place.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Today's winner will receive a free tuxedo from Featherstone's Funeral Home. {looks at flyer} Tuxedo not available on Saturdays. {puts flyer down and picks up word sign} Okay, Dalton, cover your ears. {Dalton does so} Harold, you have thirty seconds to get Dalton Humphrey to say this word... {turns sign around to show audience; word is...} "Kiss". {puckers lips and makes kissing sound} "Kiss". {sets sign down}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, okay.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And go! {Dalton uncovers his ears}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, alright, Mr. Dalton! Um, this is something that you and your wife share on New Year's.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Cab fare.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, um, okay. It's New Year's Eve and you're dancing and it's midnight, and all you want is a...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...back pill.

HAROLD GREEN: All right, you know what? Let's forget New Year's. {Dalton waves dismissively} Forget New Year's! It's gone! Okay, all right, this morning, when you left the house, um, you gave your wife...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Ohhh! {laughs} Time to cool off! {laughs again}

HAROLD GREEN: {makes circling motion with hand} Further back! Let's go further back, a little further back. Um, okay, okay! When you said your wedding vows, the minister told you to...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...reconsider.

HAROLD GREEN: Reconsider? That's so bizarre.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {looking at his watch} Harold, you're running out of time!

HAROLD GREEN: Okay! All right! Okay, alright, um, Mr. Dalton, let's see... The last time you had a romantic evening with your wife, what did you do?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, I went to that new restaurant in Port Asbestos! {Harold groans} There's twenty bucks I can kiss goodbye.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh!

''{Harold rings the bell on the table to end the game. Winston points at Dalton and gives him the flyer.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, thanks!

New Year's Resolutions: Dwight Cardiff
''{Dwight sits in a reclining chair in a corner of the lodge. He holds a piece of paper.}''

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Red asked me to jot down a few of my New Year's resolutions and share 'em with ya. I'm gonna have to do some of these from memory; I wrote down a couple and I dropped the pen. {clears throat; glances at paper} On a personal side, I'm gonna focus more of my free time on art and literature. So I'm getting a satellite dish and some of those books-on-tape. {glances at paper again} I'm also planning to discontinue the service side of the marina. Dealing with people whose boats aren't working is just not an enjoyable way to make a living. A lot of them expect the boats to be fixed promptly and properly. They don't seem to realize it's my summer, too. So, starting this year, we're gonna specialize in sales only. If you want to buy a boat from me, it's cash up front and no test drives. We also don't honor any more factory warranties. They should build them better in the first place. {glances at paper again} And finally, I'm gonna try and cut down on my work hours. Last year, I tried that forty-hour thing, but that worked out to over three hours a month. {looks at his watch} Oh! It's nap time! {closes eyes and lies back in the chair, rocking}

Handyman Corner
{Red pushes along a wheelbarrow overflowing with various junk, including some hockey sticks, a ladder, and a trombone.}

RED GREEN: I had a bit of a car accident this morning. You know, I used to be able to drive standard transmission, no problem. {shakes one leg} But now, with the trick knee...

''{Red shakes his head. He pushes the wheelbarrow up to a car lying on top of a playground roundabout. The handles have been smashed down because of the car. The front wheels are sticking out on the ground.}''

RED GREEN: This is one of those spinning playground rides. Luckily, there were no kids around. They'd already been on it for five minutes, so they were over in the bushes, barfing. {climbs up on roundabout and opens car door} Good thing Dalton wasn't with me. {climbs into car, closes door and starts it up} This is his car.

''{Red pushes down on the accelerator. The front wheels spin wildly and push the car around on the roundabout. But the car doesn't actually come off the roundabout. Red stops the car and gets out.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah, she's jammed on there pretty good. She spins around in a circle. But I'm thinking, "Hey, wait a minute. This is New Year's Eve." {gestures toward car} And this rotating car can be converted into a dandy noisemaker. {gestures toward wheelbarrow full of junk} I got everything right here. {picks up a stereo speaker from atop the pile} Anybody with half a brain can do this.

''{Red takes the speaker and is about to walk over to the car when he stops briefly and looks at the camera perplexedly. He then continues to walk up to the car. Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped to the roof of the car both the speaker and a stereo it connects to. Sitting nearby, an 8-track is plugged into the stereo.}''

RED GREEN: You gotta have music at midnight, so I hooked up this speaker to the 8-track, and right at the stroke of twelve, {holds up 8-track} we're gonna be listening to "Auld Lang Syne", played by Guy Linguini and His Royal Custodians. {sets 8-track back down} But mainly, what we need is noise. {gestures toward one front wheel, which has a tambourine duct-taped to it} So I've attached a tambourine to my drive wheel. {gestures toward car wipers which have maracas duct-taped to the tips} Meanwhile, I got maracas playing "Wipeout" on the windshield. {gestures toward tailpipe, which has trombone placed inside it and duct-taped to it} And as a special treat, I wedged a trombone into the tailpipe. Not often you see a car with a horn in the back. I guess it's a guy thing.

''{Red gets back into the car and starts it up again. The slide on the trombone in the tailpipe flies out of the trombone, making a trombone note as it does so. Red stops the car again and gets back out.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, that's a good start. But when it comes to being annoying, {closes door and wipes hands together} we've only begun to scratch the surface.

''{Red picks up the ladder, lying nearby. Wipe to a later scene. Red aims the ladder at the back seat doors of the car. He then throws it through like a spear. One of the back seat doors' windows, however, is closed. As the ladder shoots through, it shatters this window. The ladder is now sitting across the width of the back seat, sticking out on both sides. Red looks somewhat disappointed. Wipe again. Red duct-tapes a hockey stick to one end of the ladder. Wipe once more. Red now stands behind some snow fence, which surrounds his car-turned-noisemaker.}''

RED GREEN: Snow fence is the perfect addition to a New Year's party, because it's just like the guests. It stands around, looking goofy, and then when you need it, it falls over. {walks up to hockey stick sticking out of car and bumping up against fence} Hopefully, it'll be as noisy as the guests, too, especially once these hockey sticks start raking across it. {smiles} I think it's time for a test run. I got 'er in gear, {pulls remote starter out of pocket} and I hooked up this remote starter, so I don't even have to be in the car when it starts spinning. {nods} I pretty well thought of everything!

''{Red starts toward the fence to leave. Suddenly, however, he stops. He shakes the fence slightly.}''

RED GREEN: Hmm...

''{Red goes over to on one post attached to the fence. He climbs up on top of it and towards the top of the fence. Once at the top, he swings his leg over the fence and brings it down. He suddenly sits down on the fence, right on his groin. He winces in pain. Wipe to a later scene. Red has finally made entirely to the other side of the fence. He keels over in pain, but stands upright after a moment.}''

RED GREEN: All right. No, I'm fine. It's an embarrassing place to have a bruise, but after 35 years of marriage, sadly, no one's gonna notice. {suddenly cheerful} All right! Let's pretend it's midnight. Let's do the countdown together. Five, four, three, two, one. Happy New Year!

''{Red turns to his noisemaker and pushes his remote starter. The car starts up and the wheels start spinning. The instruments on the car, together with the 8-track in the speaker, all play "Auld Lang Syne". Meanwhile, as the wheels start spinning, the car on the roundabout spins as well. As it spins, the hockey sticks on the ladder runs across the snow fence, making clicking sounds as it does so. Red smiles at the camera and then looks at the car. He suddenly looks shocked. The car has run off the roundabout and drives off, driverless, taking the snow fence with it. Red runs after the car a few seconds, but as it drives off, he stops and throws the remote starter aside. He then slowly walks off, his hands in his pockets.}''

New Year's Resolutions: Winston Rothschild
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {walking alongside sewage truck} New Year's resolutions? Yeah, I got a few. I've always got a few. {puts a pump extension on truck; picks up shovel} See, my mentor and personal guru, Anthony Anthony, {puts shovel on running board on truck} he's adamant about the importance of self-improvement, and he's made a lot of money making guys like me a better person. {takes out a pink paper and looks at it} Okay, this year, I wanna try and not be so judgmental. {folds up paper} Yeah. You know, sometimes, people are disrespectful of me, and I think it's because {gestures toward truck} they see the septic sucking business I have and the dried sewage encrusted on the hoses, {shrugs} and naturally, they're jealous! {walks back the other way past truck} See, not everyone can be an entrepreneur. Not everyone can be a success. Not everyone can suck cess. And I have to accept that. I have to be sensitive to their pain, in their boring office jobs with no future and not even a whiff of the kinda life I have. {turns off a valve on the truck} So, no matter what they call me, I will not retaliate. I'm gonna rise above it. And that's important, you know, 'cause in the sewage business, you have to be able to rise above it. Happy New Year! {climbs into truck}

New Year's Resolutions: Ranger Gord
''{Ranger Gord looks up toward the ceiling through a pair of binoculars he holds. He slowly looks toward the camera through them. He suddenly looks startled and pulls his binoculars away.}''

RANGER GORD: Oh, hi everybody, Ranger Gord here with my New Year's resolutions. Do you realize what an advantage it is to be a forest ranger when it comes to making New Year's resolutions? I mean, you people, when you make resolutions, you got friends and family and coworkers around you every day. If you happen to break one of yours, everybody knows, right? You poor, pathetic people. Now, look at the deal I've got. I can make any resolution I want, and I can break it. {snaps fingers} Just like that! You know why? Because nobody ever comes up here, that's why. I mean, uh, I can decide, okay, this year, I'm going to bathe. Who would know? Just me. {suddenly sobs} And that's just the way I like it. {trying to recover but not having much success} I like being alone. I can do whatever I want. I can spend the whole day licking things. {holds up index finger} Friends don't let you do that. Believe me. I can stay up late, watching TV, watching whatever I want. Didn't know I had a TV, did you? Well, I do. {suddenly sobs again} And it'll work a lot better when I get electricity. {trying again to recover} Anyway, I'm not gonna make any New Year's resolutions, because I don't need any. I like things just the way they are. {sniffs} No nosy neighbors, no nosy bosses, nobody at all. {sobbing once more} Just me. I'm so lucky. Happy New Year.

Segue: Winston Rothschild 2
{Winston stands in front of his sewage truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: May your septics never cause you a tear.

''{Cut to another shot of Winston, from above, looking down towards him. He holds up his hands.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: May they handle your chili beans, bratwurst and beer.

''{Cut to a shot of Winston standing on one of the runners of his truck. He taps his truck.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: May your tank run on empty throughout the new year.

{Cut to another shot of Winston standing beside a different part of his truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: But if not, my pump and my hose are right here.

{Winston holds up his business card.}

New Year's Resolutions: Ed Frid
{Ed stands in the lodge basement behind a table, with a huge cotton patch over his right eye.}

ED FRID: Well then, I guess the time has come for me to make my New Year's resolution. And I've decided to be a lot more specific this year. Usually, I promise myself something like, I'm going to lose weight or start my own business or have a conversation with my parents. But this year, I've decided to {makes pointing motion} zero right in on the problem. {raises his left hand} I solemnly swear {points toward audience} before all of these witnesses that for the next year and possibly longer, I will not eat peanut butter sandwiches. {shakes head} Period! Regardless of the circumstances, even in the case of an emergency. This is because peanut butter has a way of {pointing to his mouth} sticking to the roof of a person's mouth. That can be distracting and can also impede their ability to CALL FOR HELP. When they so desperately need it! {blinks his left eye repeatedly} Now, this may sound like an odd New Year's resolution to you, but you're not an animal control officer, are you? {shakes, then nods his head} No, you can probably spend most of your day sitting at your desk, drinking coffee or doing whatever was necessary to get the peanut butter off of the roof of your mouth! Well, whoopty-freakin'-doo! {nods; points to himself with thumb} I don't have that luxury! I don't work in an office! I work in the woods! I work in the woods with elk! Elk have horns! {gestures his hand at about the level of his eyes} Eye-level horns! {shifts his eye left and right repeatedly; suddenly calmer} So that is why I promise to never eat another peanut butter sandwich again. Ever. {salutes} Happy New Year. {walks to basement stairs and bumps into the railing before climbing}

Buddy System
{Dalton and Mike run down into the basement and walk up close to the camera.}

MIKE HAMAR: Your wife's all ready for New Year's! She's got her new dress, her new hairdo and her new queen-sized control-top pantyhose. {he and Dalton laugh}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Now you're about to break it to her...

MIKE HAMAR: You don't feel like going out this New Year's.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Now, for your own safety, try and let her down easy.

MIKE HAMAR: There's no point in pointing out what a good sport you were by going to all those Christmas parties with her. {shakes head}

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, especially when you got caught lying on the coats in the bedroom, reading fishing magazines.

MIKE HAMAR: It's gonna be pretty difficult to explain to her that you'd rather stay home with your favorite... funny... sports... bloopers videos.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You might wanna do a 180 on that.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, like changing your mind, sucking it up and going to the party after all.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah. Think about it this way: if she's having fun and you're not, you're still having way more fun than you would be when you're having fun and she's not.

MIKE HAMAR: {nods; holds up index finger} And just remember, New Year's Eve is just one cold night in January, but the garage is cold 24/7/365.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Think about it!

MIKE HAMAR: We know you'll do the right thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Or at least the safe thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY, MIKE HAMAR: {waving} Happy New Year!

{They turn and go back upstairs.}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Wanna talk to all you guys who are out celebrating New Year's this year. You know, it's never too soon to start thinking about the midnight kiss. {shakes head} You don't wanna screw it up again, now, do you, okay? There's only one thing to remember, really: kiss your wife first. {nods} Excuses won't work. {shakes head again} Like, "I thought I was kissing you," "I tried to, but somebody else's lips got in the way," or worse still, "Aw, come on, honey, it's New Year's! I'm supposed to be having fun!" Okay, mainly, you gotta be able to find your wife at midnight. That means you really wanna stay sober, okay? If you can't see, you're not gonna be able to find her. And braille is not an option. And when you do find her and you are kissing your own beauty queen, don't try to make eye contact with Miss Congeniality. Having a split focus at that crucial moment can lead to other splits: {rubs hands together} split lips, splitting headache, splitting wife. And don't be using New Year's as a way to hook up with some of your ex-girlfriends. {shakes head} Should old acquaintance be forgot? Absolutely. Especially if she's attractive and she's at the party and she's carrying around a picture of a twelve-year-old boy who looks {points at camera} exactly like you. So just cool it, have a happy new year, and remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
RED GREEN: {walking out from behind the basement stairs, holding a roll of duct tape} This is the repair shop part of our New Year's special we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying". {walks over to a workbench with a deflated pool chair sitting on it and Mike standing behind it} So what do you got for us here, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, this is an inflatable chair, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Oh.

MIKE HAMAR: Ruefully, it has several holes in it, due to an unfortunate misunderstanding.

{Red examines the chair and notices a label on it that reads, "Property of Shady Acres".}

RED GREEN: I notice it's from the Shady Acres rest home.

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, that's correct. I borrowed it from them.

RED GREEN: You tell them you were borrowing it, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: {pauses} I may have. But you know what old folks are like. {smiles}

RED GREEN: And, uh, how come it's got all the holes in it?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, one of the residents had a pellet gun.

RED GREEN: {removing a bit of duct tape from the roll} Well, I can fix the holes with the handyman's secret weapon, but there's no real hurry. It's gonna be several months before you're gonna get this thing into the pool.

MIKE HAMAR: I need it now, right, 'cause I– I wanna make it fly. See, if you can patch up the holes in it and put some kind of a gas in it, then I'll have myself a blimp. You think hydrogen would work?

RED GREEN: {with uncertainty} Yeah, that would be a nonsmoking flight. {removes a strip of duct tape and puts it on a hole} So... where are you planning to go in the chair once you get it flying?

MIKE HAMAR: Around the world.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh, yeah.

MIKE HAMAR: See, I wanna make up for all the New Year's Eves that I've missed out on when I was in the slammer, see?

RED GREEN: Oh...

MIKE HAMAR: Now, the earth has 24 different timezones, and I want to celebrate New Year's in each and every one of them.

RED GREEN: Okay, no, I understand how the chair's gonna get up in the air, but what's gonna make it fly?

MIKE HAMAR: {ecstatic} Nothin'! That's the beauty of a rotating earth! You see, it'll just spin by underneath me, and– and, like, I'll just drop down in every timezone, and I'll have myself a quick beer and kiss somebody's wife!

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, Mike, there's two problems with your plan, okay? It won't work, and you'll die. So forget about the chair. Go up to that airport bar. {gestures thumb behind him} Y'know, by Port Asbestos there? {Mike nods} They got all the clocks from everywhere, all around the world everywhere. Every time one of them hits midnight, have yourself a glass of bubbly.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, okay, that might be kinda fun, but I'd like someone to go along with me.

RED GREEN: Well, take one of the guys from Shady Acres. I mean, I find old people really enjoy celebrating New Year's. They're so shocked that they made it, you know?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I don't know if I want to spend New Year's with a boring old senior citizen.

RED GREEN: Well, take the guy with the pellet gun! Eh? He knows how to party! Huh?

MIKE HAMAR: {ecstatic} That's a great idea!

RED GREEN: All right, yeah!

MIKE HAMAR: You know, the only sad part is that I won't be able to spend any time with all my buddies. They're all still in jail.

RED GREEN: Well, you know, if you're gonna be at a 24-hour bar, and your drinking partner is an armed senior, I think the chances of you and your jail buddies getting back together is real good.

MIKE HAMAR: {excited} Great! {runs up stairs while Red unrolls some more duct tape}