Father and Son Banquet

The Lodge holds its annual father-son banquet.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Red's Campfire Songs, The Friendly Side of Dynamite, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, That's What Friends Are For, Red's Handyman Tips, Adventures With Bill

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 5

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: We have a cottage country up near where I live, in Ontario, and, uh, a lot of times, you have a lot of people who live there all year 'round, and they end up with a fair amount of time on their hands, and they start doing things they wouldn't otherwise do. Um, for instance, tire art, um, making bird shapes and swings and... driveway liners out of tires. Um, occurred to us it's something we should have some fun with, so we took it to the next step in this show. We made an entire set of girls' bedroom furniture out of tires.

Transcript
''{Text appears on screen: "Women can bear children. Men can't." A music box tune plays on the first line, followed by a baby crying on the second.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"Father and Son Banquet" appears} And now, here's the man who is most likely to have a TV show based in a lodge named after a possum, your host, my uncle, Red Green! {laughs}

''{Red enter the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He holds several wrapped presents, topped with bows and ribbons.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah! {waves to Harold} Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I got no time for yakking this week, we gotta get busy on annual Possum Lodge father and son banquet.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, excuse me, Uncle Red, excuse me, times have changed! I think the father and son banquet should include, y'know, like, mums and sons and fathers and daughters...

RED GREEN: All right, that's fair enough, Harold. Okay, let me correct myself. We're having the Possum Lodge father and son, father and daughter, mum and son, mum and daughter banquet, everything except uncles and nephews. The guy's very clear on that. Sorry, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: That's okay. That's okay, 'cause my dad's coming, but, y'know, thanks for asking.

RED GREEN: No, I wasn't asking.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, you were.

RED GREEN: {overlapping} No. No, I wasn't asking.

HAROLD GREEN: {overlapping} The way you asked. And I just said just then. And you just said no. {louder} Well, I could, but I can't! Stop asking! Stop asking!

RED GREEN: {overlapping; also getting loud} I wasn't. I wasn't asking! I'm not asking! I'm not asking!

HAROLD GREEN: {overlapping} You're not asking! You're not asking! You're not asking! You're not?

RED GREEN: {frustrated} I'm not asking! I'm not!

HAROLD GREEN: Are you getting mad?

RED GREEN: I am!

{Harold giggles.}

Title sequence
''{The "The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red and Winston in close to the camera. Red covers his mouth as he yawns. Winston notices.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} On today's episode, I get a little tired.

{Cut to Red reclining on a bed made entirely out of tires.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} So I make a bed out of little tires. Segue is my middle name.

''{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress. Mike is the contestant and the word is "Friend".}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Mike gets out of prison long enough to have a game of Two On a Match with us.

''{Cut to Red and Edgar standing next to a barbecue grill. Edgar pushes down on a garage door opener. The grill blasts smoke out of it and the lid flies off.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Edgar Montrose shows you the quick way to barbecue.

Plot Segment 2
RED GREEN: So you're sure, you're positive your father's coming to the father and son banquet, right, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, won't that be great, Uncle Red? And we can enter races together, walk around, do father and son stuff.

RED GREEN: Yeah, maybe he can flash his identification at some people and they'll stop calling you that name.

HAROLD GREEN: {crossing his fingers} Here's hoping! So, what's this year's theme?

RED GREEN: Well, the father and son committee had a meeting last night.

HAROLD GREEN: The father and son committee? Who's on that?

RED GREEN: Me.

HAROLD GREEN: You're not a father.

RED GREEN: Well, I'm a son, you know, and around here, 50% is a quorum. So we decided to make this year's theme... tires! All kinds of tires, Harold. Steel belts, all-weather radials, biased supply, off-road, the whole deal.

HAROLD GREEN: {rolling his eyes} What can you do with tires at a father and son banquet?

RED GREEN: Just you wait and see. It'll be way better than last year's theme, I'll tell ya that.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha-ha! Oh, yeah, big whoop! Salute to engine coolant! That was gross!

RED GREEN: We were doing okay 'til we used it for bobbing for apples.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
{Harold walks up to Red and Mike Hamar at the card table, holding a stopwatch.}

HAROLD GREEN: Ha-ha! Okay, this is the big one! All righty, this week's grand prize has been donated by Junior Singleton: a promise to return half the tools he's borrowed from you over the years. All righty. Uncle Red, you have 30 seconds to make Mr. Hamar say this word... {holds up a sign that says "Friend" and mouths the word} Thirty seconds, and begin!

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, uh, buddy.

MIKE HAMAR: Gang member?

RED GREEN: Close buddy.

MIKE HAMAR: Cellmate?

RED GREEN: Uh, someone who talks about stuff...

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, informer? Stoolie? Squealie? Uh, dead meat?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, I'm– I'm thinking someone you can trust...

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, boy, uh... prison chaplain?

RED GREEN: Alright, and you can trust him because he's...

MIKE HAMAR: An ex-con himself.

RED GREEN: {pauses to think} Lemme go another way with this, all right? I'm not just the guy who signed you out on a parole, I'm also your buddy, your pal, your...

MIKE HAMAR: ...warden?

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs; singsong} You're runnin' out of time!

RED GREEN: Alright, alright, alright. Okay, Mike, Mike! There must be somebody you can trust.

MIKE HAMAR: Um, Bambi Bazooms the feather dancer.

RED GREEN: All right, fair enough. So Bambi is your...

MIKE HAMAR: ...mum.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * People thought I was line-dancing
 * When I jumped up and spun on the chair.
 * So they joined in and did what I did,
 * Kicking one foot in the air.
 * We danced in a line out the front door
 * And down by the cedar grove.
 * It turned out I wasn't line-dancing at all.
 * I had just stubbed my toe on the stove.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to all you guys out there, 'cause I know what you're going through. You get up on a Saturday morning, swing open the closet door, and you're face-to-face with clothes you have never seen before in your life. Men's clothes! So you run over to the bed to see if your wife's havin' an affair. But no. {shakes his head} It's worse than that. She has bought you new clothes! Collared golf shirts and those jeans they have for fat guys so you can't tell how big their butt really is. Now, ordinarily, you would never wear clothes like that, but she's also thrown out your old clothes! You know that sweatshirt you got when you were 14 at Camp Cappawiggamuggawedgie? And those jeans you've been wearing for ten years, even though you gotta hang from the ceiling to get your gut into them? Well, I say don't fight it, go along with it, use your head. A guy wearing new clothes can't cut the grass or wash the car or take out the garbage. {nods} Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

That's What Friends Are For
{Red and Winston enter the room and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: Now, what did you go and do that for?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Of all the insensitive things you've ever done!

RED GREEN: She's talking to you about the relationship, pursuing dreams...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: She's talking about the future, about being together, but being scared. You know, she's basically pouring her heart out to ya.

RED GREEN: And you had to go and yawn! {he and Winston both shake their heads} The worst thing you could ever do.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Never, ever, ever, ever yawn at your wife!

RED GREEN: As in "never".

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Exactly. I mean, couldn't you have left the room? One of the most personal moments in your relationship and you yawn?!

RED GREEN: Alright, this is a biggie, so we're gonna show you a couple of ways, maybe you can undo the damage.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Watch and learn. First of all, you tell her it wasn't a yawn at all.

RED GREEN: No.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: No, no, no, it's her revelation that left you slack-jawed and amazed. Y'know, sort of like... {opens his mouth wide, as if in surprise}

RED GREEN: Yup, or go to the doctor and convince him you've got a sleeping disorder, all right? Once she hears that, she'll be forgiving.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: There's nothing like a little neurological blackmail to get you back in the good books.

RED GREEN: That's probably right. And then what you wanna do is, you're gonna need a little plan. We actually saved the best one for last. {to Winston} Tell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: This is– This is– This is– Me?

RED GREEN: Tell 'em.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Now?

RED GREEN: Tell 'em.

WINSTON ROTHSCIHLD: Okay...

RED GREEN: Yeah...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You wait 'til she's really tired.

RED GREEN: Big time.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I mean zonked.

RED GREEN: Yes, sir.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And ready to go to bed. And then you call her aside and you say to her, "Honey, I have some very important things to discuss with you." Then you sit her down, and you just start spieling! You just shoot the breeze about anything!

RED GREEN: Talk about the boat, talk about your new wrench, just talk about the dock...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Good one!

RED GREEN: Doesn't matter what it is, just keep yakking, okay?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yeah...

RED GREEN: Eventually, she's gonna yawn.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Eventually? With you going, she'll be yawning in seconds.

RED GREEN: So much the better. As soon as she yawns, you blurt out something really personal, and you can turn the tables on her!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Exactly! {seriously} But don't blow it, {Red covers his mouth, as if yawning himself} because, remember, this is the most important moment of the rest of your... {sees Red covering his mouth} What are you doing?

RED GREEN: No, no, Winston, it was just...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I was doing the thing! {Red stammers, trying to explain himself} It was a complete yawn!

{They turn and leave, Winston protesting Red's yawning.}

Inside References

 * Bill pulls some rope and a box cutter out of his pants.