Swiss It Up/Transcript

The complete transcript for Swiss It Up

Intro
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! Ha-ha, ha! And now, here's the man with the personality as big as all outdoors, and who's as out as all big doors, your host, your hero, my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Yep, yep, appreciate it. Big, big week up at the Lodge this week. I sold the show to Europe!

HAROLD GREEN: Excuse me? You sold the show?

RED GREEN: Yeah, great news. We sold the show to Europe!

HAROLD GREEN: We sold the show? Uncle Red, I sold the show.

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay, all right. Europe bought the show!

HAROLD GREEN: Europe did not buy the show. Europe's not a country! {laughs} Yes, yes, we sold it to a country in Europe, but not to Europe, and why? Because Europe is not a country. {laughs, to camera} He thought Europe was a country!

RED GREEN: And he thought I cared. All right, fine, Sweden bought the show, we're being seen in Sweden now, so bonjour, Sweden! {waves}

HAROLD GREEN: Not Sweden, it's Switzerland.

RED GREEN: Well, it's the same thing, Harold. Y'know, it's like Holland and the Netherlands. Same thing. Or like Quebec and K-bec, y'know, same... China and Japan, y'know, it's the same place, different names. Sweden and Switzerland, that's the same country, so hello there, you Swiss Swedes, wherever you are. In Europe, I'm pretty sure about that. {chuckles}

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, Uncle Red, no, Sweden and Switzerland, y'know, they've got like two different languages, y'know. They live completely separate lives, they have, like, no similar history or culture or anything, y'know. I mean, seriously, what kind of a country is that? Ho-ho-hoaa!

RED GREEN: Canada! {walks for the door}

Title sequence
{The New Red Green Show'' intro plays. Cut to a scene with Harold dressed in a Swiss outfit and holding a stein. He dances and sings in German, then takes a drink from the stein and spits the liquid out all over himself.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} This is a little preview, we're gonna show you some of the stuff we're gonna do on this particular show. These little clips are supposed...

''{Cut to a shot of a boat stacked upside down on top of a bunch of appliance doors. The whole structure collapses.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...to get you interested enough, you'll stay with us the whole half-hour. Kinda sad, isn't it?

''{Cut to a scene where Hap Shaughnessy is talking and holding up an old hockey stick. Red looks the stick over.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Imagine the stuff we left out of this thing! Well, sure.

Plot Segment 2
''{Harold is reading through a bunch of newspapers. Red walks into the Lodge holding a tall box behind his back.}''

RED GREEN: Well, it's amazing, but we're actually getting more respect home here in Canada since we sold our show to Sweden.

HAROLD GREEN: Switzerland!

RED GREEN: Yeah, Switzerland, whatever.

HAROLD GREEN: {holds up the newspapers} Well, the media's jumping all over it, too. The reviews are in! "The Possum Lake Post", all right: "Go Figure". "The Port Asbestos Journal": "Switzerland goes from neutral to reverse." You cannot buy publicity like that! Boy, people who don't even like the show are watching it now, y'know? It's like there's some big American network program or something. Uncle Red, that is the power of hype! Hype works, hype is cool! You don't have to have talent, good looks, brains, nothing, if you've got enough hype.

RED GREEN: Yeah. You know, I'm thinking hype could really help you, Harold. You're hyper now, so just back off one letter, and you're there.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! {puts down the papers}

RED GREEN: I'll tell ya something else about these Swedes, y'know, they get behind the show with publicity, and with gifts, too. Harold, this is for you. {hands a Swiss Army Knife to Harold}

HAROLD GREEN: {takes the knife} Oh! Ooo! Ooo! Oh, I love these! It's a Swiss Army Knife! Oh, these are great, they've got everything in them! They must really like me. They got everything! {opens parts of the knife and shows them to Red} Look at that, it's got like a pen knife and a carving knife, and a scaling knife, and an escape knife, and a fork and a spoon. Y'know there's a corkscrew, and a bottle opener, and a magnifying glass. There's a pencil sharpener, pencil, pen, eraser, wire cutters. Right there, look at that, and you've got like a wood file thing there, and you got nail clippers, and you got six different kinds of screwdrivers. That's hard to get in there, six different kinds of screwdrivers, on the side there. You've got, like, you've got yourself a guitar pick, and an allen key, and there's a skeleton key. Oh, this is fantastic. Look, real deep right inside there, that's the latest version of Doom.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: That's so great. Yeah, that's for me! Yeah! Oh, that's a darn good knife! Oh, they like me so much over there. Oh, I like you, too! Waaa! So, what'd you get?

RED GREEN: Oh, got a little chocolate bar here.

{Red pulls a large triangular box of Toblerone chocolate out from behind his back.}

HAROLD GREEN: Ohh, that's a– Ohhh, that's a lot of chocolate, it's so really really big, isn't it? That's a– That's chocolate! Ohhhh... You're gonna share it, though, with me, right?

RED GREEN: Well, sure. I'll give you the box, you can make a periscope there. {chuckles} Harold, seriously, if you eat this much chocolate, you'll turn into a big plaid zit!

HAROLD GREEN: That's not even true. That's not even true! I talked to my doctor, and he says you don't even know anything about medicine. You're wrong about what gives people zits, and you're wrong about what makes teenagers go blind, too.

''{Red stares at Harold for a moment, then walks to the door. Harold looks embarrassed.}''

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by banging on a plastic gas can.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, he popped a wheelie right there by the door,
 * The tires are smokin' good.
 * He misses a shift from second to third,
 * And a flame pops up under the hood!
 * He hits the wall in a four-wheel drift,
 * But that's the price you pay,
 * When you go to the fancy hotel in town,
 * And you hand your car keys to the valet.

Handyman Corner
{Red is walking toward the camera in a grassy field.}

RED GREEN: You know, the freedom of the open road appeals to most men. That's because so many of us are stuck in life's ditch. It's better to be a child of the road than a son of a ditch. Is there nothing I won't say? Well, think about this one: {walks up next to an Airstream trailer} for 60 years or more, the greatest symbol of freedom has been the fabulous Airstream trailer. But you know, one of these Airstreams costs more than I make in a dog year, which is seven human years. {walks up to the Handyman Corner sign} So I figure that this week, on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you how to make your own Airstream. I mean, what have you got here? A couple of wheels, curved aluminum bottom, curved aluminum top, aluminum sides... Yeah, you've got a fridge and a stove, but you can get that stuff anywhere. First thing I need is a couple of wheels.

{Red walks over to a boat trailer, which has a boat on it holding a number of appliance doors.}

RED GREEN: Which we have right here on this old boat trailer. Now all we need is our aluminum bottom and top and sides. Well, by gosh, for the bottom, {taps the boat} let's just use this old aluminum boat! And for the sides, {pulls a refrigerator door out of the boat} I got these appliance doors. Appliances are made out of aluminum, or some kind of metal, could be aluminum. Well, if you get a unit like this fridge door for your outside wall, {turns the door around to show the inside to the camera} and on the inside you've got built-in automatic storage there, eh? Put your eggs or your cheese, your golf balls, or screws of different size in each egg cup. {puts the door aside} Oh, here's something. If you wanna go upscale a bit here, how about this? {pulls out an oven door with a window} Add one of them fancy nautical-style portable windows in the unit. Oh, boy. You'll need about, I would say, ten to twenty appliances for the sides there, and get all the doors. And you get to gloat to your wife about how smart you are to keep those appliances on your porch for the last sixteen years, huh? All right, that's the bottom and sides. Well, for the top, {walks over to another boat lying upside-down nearby} we'll use this other boat, eh? Just because she isn't seaworthy doesn't mean she's not roadworthy! {lifts up the boat and looks inside} Oh, yeah, lots of head room. And spiders! Oh! {bangs on the boat} All right, everybody out! {chuckles} All ashore, spiders! Man, those dock spiders are big, aren't they? {suddenly drops the boat and starts hopping around, shaking his leg} Oh, oh, get off there! Get off there! Get off, get off!

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is standing awkwardly next to the boat trailer, his right leg visibly swollen.}''

RED GREEN: Man, I had no idea I was allergic to spider bites. All right, now it's time to start assembling our Airstream trailer– Oh, no, no, Harold told me not to say "Airstream", they'll be suing us for stealing their design. {picks up the refrigerator door from earlier and walks with it to the back of the trailer} All right, we wanna attach aluminum to aluminum here, which you can do with a welding torch, but I don't recommend that, because that requires ability, which puts it outside my skill chart. {lifts the door onto the back of the trailer} Of course, you've got your rivets and screws there, but you gotta be dead accurate with them, and that takes the fun out of any project, so instead, {picks up a roll of duct tape} I recommend you use the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Red bends over and starts peeling off some duct tape. The refrigerator door falls off the back of the boat.}''

RED GREEN: {to offscreen} Gimme another fridge door, Harold.

''{Red busily starts attaching various appliance doors to the edges of the boat, hoisting them into place and sticking them to the boat and each other with duct tape. At one point, he is inside the boat behind a wall of appliance doors.}''

RED GREEN: Oop, spider! Spider! {throws a roll of duct tape into the air}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is stepping down from a ladder next to the completed trailer, where he has placed the second boat on top. Both of his legs are visibly swollen.}''

RED GREEN: And there's your very own house trailer, and all it cost you was some old appliances and a couple of spider bites. Boy, that's a small price to pay for your own Airstream– {dryly} No, I can't say "Airstream", they're gonna be suing us for copying their design. {looks back at the real Airstream trailer} No, no, I think we're okay. Not exactly the same. By the way, don't tape the roof on there. Just let gravity hold 'er on, then when you get to your campsite, you flip her off, you got yourself a boat, eh? Okay! Let's hop inside through the, uh...

{Red looks around for a point of entry into the boat trailer, pulling on an oven door, which doesn't budge.}

RED GREEN: Aw, man...

{Red tugs on the oven door some more, then climbs in through a washing machine door.}

RED GREEN: {pokes his head back out of the washer door} Well, where there's a washing machine, there's a way. {chuckles} All right, we're all set to hit the open road, and by golly, can you imagine the looks of envy on the other drivers, eh? Because they had to buy their house trailer! You don't just have a house trailer here, you've got a houseboat! So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {closes the washer door} Oh, by golly, the fridge light does go out when you close the door! I think there was a light in the butter dish. Yep. {panicking} Spider!

{Red panics and causes the whole trailer to collapse on itself.}

RED GREEN: Got him.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older folks about your kids. You know, when they come over to visit with the grandchildren, and they start asking questions like "How much longer are you gonna live in this place?" Or, "Where are you gonna live when you get older?" Or the worst one, "How much older do you think you'll get?" At first you think it's kinda nice they're kinda paying attention to ya, asking you about yourself. But then you realize, when they're holding paint chips up against the wall while they're talking to you... {chuckles} They're waiting around for the inheritance. They think you're loaded. You and I know that's not true, but they don't need to know that. They also don't need to know that the doctor says you're in excellent health. Kinda go with it, huh? Y'know, when they were young, they never even talked to you, and now they're fawning all over you, eh? Well, go for it! Enjoy the attention they're giving you while they search for this mythical inheritance, eh? Start saying things like, "Oh, golly, I've left my slippers in the other room." Or "Y'know, I could really go for a cold beer right about now." It's good for them. They'll be respecting their elders and they're not doing it for money. They just don't know it yet! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
''{Red walks into the Lodge. Harold is standing with his back turned to the camera.}''

RED GREEN: Well, we hit a few snags with this Switzerland sale thing. They're trying to push me around. I'd just as soon take a pass, to be honest with ya. Feel like giving them back their check and that giant chocolate bar. Where'd that get to, Harold?

''{Harold turns around to look at Red, his face and hands covered in chocolate. Red shakes his head.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {stands still for a moment; innocently} I don't know!

RED GREEN: So much for chocolate not affecting your complexion, eh, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, okay, what about you? And I thought the Switzerland sale was a done deal, huh? How'd you wreck that? You should have just let me talk to them!

RED GREEN: No, no, no, Harold, I don't think you'd understand their accents. I mean, it's like a foreign language.

HAROLD GREEN: It is a foreign language. It's German! You don't speak German!

RED GREEN: Well, I figure if you speak English loud enough, eventually they'll figure it out. But you know what happened there was, the creative differences brought the deal to its knees, Harold. They wanted me to add stuff to the show. Alpenhorns and lederhosen. They asked me to swish it up. I didn't like the sound of that.

HAROLD GREEN: You sure they didn't say "Swiss it up"? And lederhosen are just leather pants. Maybe they wanted it to look more like Switzerland so it can reflect their audience and that way they'd be attracted to the show.

RED GREEN: Okay, so what you're saying is they want me to change who I am, what I stand for, and what I believe in?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes! But for money!

RED GREEN: Oh, okay, okay, all right. Well then, I'll just go get my loofah out of my sauna.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, see, that's Sweden.

RED GREEN: In my Volvo.

HAROLD GREEN: That's Sweden!

RED GREEN: Buck naked?

HAROLD GREEN: France!

RED GREEN: Oh, I give up. No, that's Italy. {heads for the door}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Hey, hi, welcome! It's the Possum Lodge Word Game! Y'know, everybody dreams about a two-week vacation in Hawaii. Well, now you can do a lot more than just dream about it! Now you can sit down and plan it out on your brand new {holds up a notepad} pad of paper!

{The camera zooms out to reveal Red and Winston sitting at the card table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Pad of paper supplied by Staples and Such, your pad of paper people. And now, Uncle Red, today you'll be playing with Mr. Winston Rothschild of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Where our motto is, "Service with a smile, even on hot days!"

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Rothschild to say this word.

''{Winston covers his ears. Harold pulls out the word sign and shows it to the audience.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Artificial. Artificial.

{Red motions for Harold to continue, and Harold sets the sign down.}

HAROLD GREEN: And go!

RED GREEN: All right, Winston, when something is fake, it's...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Wrestling.

RED GREEN: No... okay, some products are all-natural, full of real flavors, y'know, and others are...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Tasty?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, plastic. Synthetic.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, my good suit!

HAROLD GREEN: Hey, wait a second! Wrestling's fake?

RED GREEN: Shut up, Harold. Okay, when someone pretends to like a person, but they don't really like that person, they are...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: An employee.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no... okay, someone who is always insincere is...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Geared for success!

HAROLD GREEN: {tapping his watch in front of Red's face} Running out of time, running out of time!

RED GREEN: I know, I know... Oh, I know, I know! Winston, remember you dated that cheerleader? The one with the great figure?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {depressed} Artificially.

RED GREEN: There we go! {starts ringing the bell}

HAROLD GREEN: {hands Winston the pad of paper} Congratulations, Mr. Rothschild!

Plot Segment 4
''{Harold stands in the Lodge, dressed in lederhosen, yodeling loudly and rather obnoxiously. Red then enters, holding an accordion.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {seeing Red} Oh, hi.

RED GREEN: All right, whatever, Harold. Um... {holds up a card with some notes written on it} Gooey almond miner dammin' and hair end.

HAROLD GREEN: Damen und herren!

RED GREEN: Damen und– {almost drops accordion, which squeals} Oh! Oh! {picks up accordion} Gesundheit! Hallo, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: ''Hallo, mein onkel, Rote Grün! Wie getz es einen?''

RED GREEN: {pauses} Gesundheit, Harold! Uh, we also have a brand-new character: uh, Fritz! Fritz the Swiss cuckoo clock. {looks at a cuckoo clock on a shelf} Hallo, Fritz! Say, "Hallo," Fritz! {takes a hockey stick} C'mon, Fritz!

''{Red taps the cuckoo clock with the stick. Sparks fly out from behind the clock, while the cuckoo bird pops out, making one cuckoo sound and drops down as the clock breaks down.}''

HAROLD GREEN: I don't think he's supposed to do that.

RED GREEN: Well, the name "Fritz" is making more sense.

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
{Red walks out into the Lodge basement from a corner and heads over to a workbench.}

RED GREEN: Welcome to the repair shop part of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying." Hap Shaughnessy here has brought something in for us to fix. What do you got there, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {holding up a taped-up hockey stick} Well, I got an old hockey stick here, and the tape's coming off. I was hoping you'd be able to fix it for me, Red. {hands Red the stick}

RED GREEN: Well, sure. To fix tape, now, I recommend... tape. {puts it toward a vise on the workbench} Just throw her in the vise here...

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {panicked; cringing} Hey, no, no, no! Be careful there, Red. Don't want you to scuff Bower's autograph.

RED GREEN: {looking at hockey stick more closely} Man, you got Johnny Bower's autograph on there!

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, I got all their autographs.

RED GREEN: {examining hockey stick} Dave Keon, Frank Mahovlich, George Armstrong...

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yep, the whole 1967 Stanley Cup winning team. Got everyone on the team.

RED GREEN: Bobby Baun, Hap Shaughnessy... {looks up and looks at Hap}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yep, got 'em all.

RED GREEN: You, uh... You played on the '67 Leafs, did you, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, yeah!

RED GREEN: Okay. What was your number?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Seven.

RED GREEN: No, no, I think Tim Horton wore number seven.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, you mean what number was I wearing?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, I thought you meant what number was I in scoring. I was number seven in scoring, but number three– but number three in assists.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah...

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Not selfish, that was my style.

RED GREEN: No, okay. All right, no, what I'm saying is, what was the number on your sweater?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: On my sweater?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {laughing} You mean jersey, don't you, Red?

RED GREEN: All right, all right, okay, on your jersey, all right?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, that's all right. You're not the first one to make that mistake. Calling a jersey a sweater, lots of people make that mistake.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, all right, okay. And so what was the number?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, hundreds. Hundreds, Red. It's an easy mistake to make.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no. What I'm saying is, what was the number on your jersey when you played for the 1967 Stanley Cup winning Toronto Maple Leaf hockey team?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {pauses to think} Thirteen.

RED GREEN: No, see, that's odd. I don't remember there being a 13 on that team.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, that's what happens to the memories, Red. Now, you don't ha– You don't have to be ashamed of that. The truth can sometimes get hidden, y'know?

RED GREEN: Oh, she's not hidden, she's gone. {takes a piece of duct tape and sticks it on the hockey stick}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: You see– You see, that's why you can never be a Maple Leaf.

RED GREEN: Uh-huh...

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: You're not a team player, Red. You could never pull together like we did. Thirty guys sharing the same dressing room, the same showers, the same victories, the same defeats...

RED GREEN: {showing Hap the hockey stick} Same handwriting?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I taught them all how to write.

''{Red drops the stick on the workbench and Hap picks it up. Red leaves and Hap follows, carrying the stick with him.}''

Plot Segment 5
{Harold is dancing inside the Lodge and holding a stein, still in his Swiss outfit.}

HAROLD GREEN: {singing} Ein prosit, ein prosit der gemütlichkeit.

''{Harold takes a drink from his stein, then suddenly spits out the liquid all over himself and onto the floor. He panics and slips, falling to the floor as Red enters the Lodge. Harold gets back up, coughs loudly several times, and shudders.}''

RED GREEN: Ready for another beer there, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: It's apple juice! It's that added vitamin C that gives it the kick, baby!

RED GREEN: Well, we've had kind of a standoff on the whole Switzerland sale here. Turns out the guy who bought it didn't speak English. Once they translated, they figured out what we were talking about, he changed his mind.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no! They canceled the show? Are you sure?

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, it's dead, Harold. I heard the phrase, "Stop payment," and these are guys that know about bankin', believe me.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, that is so disappointing. What're we gonna do now?

RED GREEN: Well, we'll do what we always do, except we can stop doin' it in cowhide hotpants. {looks over Harold's outfit}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, that's a good part, isn't it? Yeah, I was a little bit worried about going to school and what the kids are gonna say to me when they saw me in a Swiss outfit here, y'know? Makes me look so neutral!

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. I'll be down in a minute, all right?

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. {does a German dance as he heads down the basement stairs}

RED GREEN: If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I thought maybe we could pretend we were Swiss tonight. You be Heidi and I'll be Sieki! And thanks, the rest of ya, for watching, and on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. {waves and heads for the stairs}

''{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold is talking to the other men inaudibly as Red comes down the stairs.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, here he comes! Sit down! Sit down, hurry up! Sit down!

{The men all sit down as Red takes his place at the front of the meeting, beside Harold.}

HAROLD GREEN: All rise.

{Everyone stands up and puts their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits}

HAROLD GREEN: {standing up; reading from a clipboard} Okay, I got some announcements. The first one is, to help the Lodge, keep it neat and tidy, we'll be posting a job list on the main bulletin board in the kitchen, as soon as someone volunteers to make up a job list and to put up a bulletin board. And, of course, to build a kitchen, so... {raises his hand} Okay, I'll do that, all right.