The Battle Call

Dalton has Possum Lodge and Caribou Lodge pitted against each other in a mock battle.

Cast (in order of Appearance):, , , , , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Harold at the Office, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Talking Animals, Adventures With Bill, Famous People In Possum Lake History

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 6; The Red Green Show – 1999 Season

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: We like to have fun with things that are happening in real life. They have these clubs that do these battle reenactments, and we get some mail from them. We see them. We're aware of them. We thought it'd be kind of fun to do something like that. So we took this episode and created a mock battle with Caribou Lodge. And it gave us a chance to wear some outrageous costumes and make some even more outrageous jokes. It was fun, though. I hope you enjoy it.

Transcript
''{Red walks out between the Possum Van and another car. He sees a folded piece of paper under the windshield wiper of the second car. Red groans in frustration.}''

RED GREEN: {pointing to paper} See that? Something under the windshield wiper here? {takes paper} You should never read any paper you find under your windshield wiper. {unfolds paper and looks at it} See? That was a waste of time. I shouldn't have read that. {walks around to other side of van} I shouldn't be expected to have to read things that are under my wiper just because society thinks it's a great place to stick stuff. So look what I've done here.

''{He shows off the van. A pair of hedge clippers have been taken apart and attached to the van. One blade is duct-taped to a wiper and the other blade is duct-taped to the windshield.}''

RED GREEN: I've got a pair of hedge clippers and took them apart. To the bottom of the windshield, I stuck one blade, sharp side up. {puts wiper with blade on it on windshield} The other blade I put right on the wiper itself, sharp side down.

{Red puts the paper between the two blades on the van and wipes his hands together.}

RED GREEN: Now I'm all set for any kind of advertising flier or save the whales pamphlet or parking infraction that happens to find its way onto my windshield. {climbs into van} I don't have to look at it. I don't have to read it. I don't even have to touch it to get rid of it. I just dispose of it by cleaning my windshield the normal way.

''{Red turns on the wipers and the hedge clippers cut the paper in half. The paper flies off. Red smiles satisfactorily.}''

Intro
''{Red walks into the lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He has a long rope coiled around his right arm. He raises his arms up in the air and slowly brings them down as if to reduce the audience's cheering.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Well, we got a major wimping out up at the lodge this week. Every year around this time, we challenge the guys from Caribou Lodge to a big tug of war, but they backed out. They say it's too much of a health risk, 'cause at last year's tug of war, it ended up in a draw after five hours of straining on both sides. The only real winner was the local hernia clinic. So now we missed the thrill of competition and the fun of beating the crap out of another lodge.

''{Dalton walks into the lodge. He is dressed in a colonial soldier costume and holds a musket. He salutes Red.}''

RED GREEN: Well, Dalton, I see you finally got that suit back from the cleaners.

DALTON HUMPHREY: I got a great idea how to replace the tug of war with Caribou Lodge.

RED GREEN: You're gonna perform "The Nutcracker"?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {shakes his head} No, no, no, Red, you ever heard those groups that recreate battles?

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, no, no, no, we don't need to be creative. The world has enough fresh battles.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, these are historic battles, Red. They reenact historic battles.

RED GREEN: Well, sure, but there isn't– didn't know a historic battle around here other than that time Junior's wife found out he bought a hovercraft.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, we're gonna make up our own battles. Sure, as long as it's the Caribou Lodge versus us, who cares? {excited} We get to wear the neat clothes, we get to shoot the muskets! {laughs} Oh, man!

RED GREEN: We get to be shot and killed ourselves? 'Cause that would kinda take the fun out of it for me.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no, no. Here, let me show you. Here, hold this. {hands Red the musket} Okay, you see, now, what we're shooting... {feels around into his pockets and then pulls out several red and green-colored flags} ...are these little flags, right?

RED GREEN: Oh, oh, I see.

DALTON HUMPHREY: See, we shoot the red flags; they shoot the green flags.

RED GREEN: Okay.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Put a little piece of duct tape on yours so it'll stick to a guy when he gets hit, right? Duct tape, the musketeer's secret weapon! {nudges Red and laughs}

RED GREEN: {impressed} Oh, boy! Okay, okay, you know what? You kinda won me over with that part, but... I really don't want to wear the costume. Maybe I could be an undercover musketeer, eh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {whiny voice} No, Red, you can't! {snatches back musket} No, you gotta wear the costume or you're gonna wreck it!

RED GREEN: All right, all right, I'll wear the costume, {points to Dalton's tights} but I'm not wearing the tights.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, you gotta wear the tights or you're gonna wreck it!

RED GREEN: {annoyed} Okay, I'll wear tights! {turns to leave} Man!

{Dalton smiles at the camera and then follows Red out of the lodge.}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
MIKE HAMAR: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game! {walks over to a table where Red and Winston are seated, picks up a cowboy hat} And today's prize... {looks at hat and then at Winston} Well, let me just say you're gonna need this where you're going.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Arizona?

MIKE HAMAR: Nope, two free line-dancing lessons at the Mercury Creek Dancing Academy! {Winston looks disappointed; to Red} Mr. Green, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Rothschild to say this word... {holds up a word sign while Winston covers his ears} "Quit". "Quit".

RED GREEN: Yeah, alright, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: {putting sign on table} And go!

RED GREEN: Alright, Winston, your job doesn't pay enough, so you...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...work hard for a raise.

RED GREEN: You're way off base on this. You hate this job, okay? Think about it. And when you do think about it, you'd rather be doing anything else, so you...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...stop thinking about it so much, just do it to it! You know, suck it up! That's we do in the sewage business, anyway.

RED GREEN: I'm saying this job is driving you crazy. You're getting all depressed. So you...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...seek professional help. Get a checkup from the neck up!

RED GREEN: Oh, man! You wouldn't even need to see a doctor if you could do this...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh! {pulls out a cassette tape from his pants} Get Anthony Anthony's new tape! Oh, yeah! It gives you the motivational boost you need to get on with your life if you're feeling down. {to camera} If your life stinks, don't inhale!

MIKE HAMAR: You're almost out of time, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Winston, this word isn't in your vocabulary. I give up.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: What?! That's a terrible attitude! You can't just quit now!

{Suddenly, Red lunges forward and rings the bell to end the game while Mike puts the cowboy hat on top of Winston's helmet.}

Harold at the Office
''{Harold has one hand feeling through several file folders in a file cabinet drawer. His other hand is holding a bagel covered in black seeds. The bagel has a bite taken out of it and his mouth is covered in the seeds as he eats the bagel and looks through the folders. Red walks up.}''

RED GREEN: Hey, Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: {sounding disappointed} Oh, hi, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, and Harold, I've looked around the place, okay? Now, don't take this the wrong way, but how can you stand it here?

HAROLD GREEN: What? I love working here! It's vibrant, it's exciting, it's challenging... {grins, raises eyebrows up and down} ...it's sexy!

RED GREEN: See what happens when you don't have a girlfriend, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, as a matter of fact, see that blonde over there? {points thumb behind him}

RED GREEN: {looking around} Where?

HAROLD GREEN: {somewhat annoyed; jerks thumb again} Over there!

RED GREEN: Where?

HAROLD GREEN: {irritated; looks behind him} Over there!

''{Red looks behind him. They see a blond-haired woman at another desk with her head low as she tries to talk on a phone. Red looks back at Harold.}''

RED GREEN: Well, I can't see where you're pointing. What's her name?

HAROLD GREEN: Cynthia.

RED GREEN: {calling out} Hey, Cynthia! {Harold cringes, trying to shush his uncle, but it's too late; Cynthia looks up at Red, who waves} Just "Hi", that's all. {Cynthia waves back and looks down at the phone again; Red looks back at Harold} She's kinda cute. You asked her out yet, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {trying to eat his bagel} Well, if you don't mind...

RED GREEN: You know what you gotta do?

HAROLD GREEN: {frustrated} Oh, you're gonna give me advice on dating?

RED GREEN: C'mon, Harold. I was quite the lady's man before I met your Aunt Bernice, you know. And look at us now, huh? We've been together a long, long, long time. Long... {pauses and stares ahead}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red?

RED GREEN: {snapping out of it} Oh, right, okay. Now listen, you gotta get a gift for Cynthia, okay? Something special, just for her. Um... maybe electric socks or a personal floatation device...

HAROLD GREEN: {cringing and shaking head} Oh, I don't know!

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! And then you gotta ask her out on a date, but keep it subtle, alright? You wanna leave her something of yours on her desk, nothing too obvious, Harold, maybe a pair of boots or a bucket, eh? Then you just need talk to her, eh? {laughs} And then– And then you just go over and keep it cool. You say... {looks toward Cynthia; loudly} Hey, Cynthia! {Cynthia looks up again; Harold cringes} Pass me that bucket, will you, and let's go out! {Cynthia looks back down again} See?

HAROLD GREEN: {clearly feeling uneasy} Uncle Red, um... I got– I gotta get back to work now.

RED GREEN: Alright. Right, right, right, okay, okay, I'll see you later, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

RED GREEN: {laughs; looks toward Cynthia and waves} Bye, Cynthia!

''{Cynthia waves back and Harold cringes at what his uncle just did. He nervously waves towards Cynthia and then is about to take another bite of his bagel, but then nervously drops it into one of the files in the still-open file cabinet drawer. He then nervously closes the drawer and walks off.}''

Handyman Corner
''{Red drags a huge boat down a road. The boat is covered in shredded duct tape. Some rope is draped over the side.}''

RED GREEN: It seems no matter how much planning you do or how safety conscious you are, something always goes wrong.

{Red points to a red car nearby, which is also covered in duct tape and with boat paddles duct-taped to the side windows.}

RED GREEN: I had this fishing boat mounted on top of my car there. And she was solid. I had put a roll and a half of duct tape into the job. So I'm driving along, up comes the wind, BAM! She's outta there! It was not my fault. I didn't actually aim the boat at that hitchhiker. It was an accident. You shoulda heard the stream of obscenities. As far as I'm concerned, a woman that age shouldn't be hitchhiking in the first place. But I'm thinking this whole roof-rack concept needs a little bit of re-engineering, eh? Wouldn't it be a lot safer and more aerodynamic {leans down and moves hands towards under car} if you could put stuff under the car {moves hands towards car roof} instead of over it? {looks under car again} But as the fat guy said to the phone booth, "We need a little more clearance."

''{Red walks off. Wipe to a later scene. Red is in a field, next to a tractor. He struggles to remove a tire from the tractor with a tire iron, straining with the effort.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, the next step's real easy. Uh, what you need is four of these {taps tire} great big tractor tires. Not that hard to come by. There's abandoned tractors all over this country, thanks to the government trade policies and people preferring to eat food made from vinyl.

''{Red continues to remove the tractor tire, again straining with the effort. Wipe to a later scene. Red has removed the tires and hubcaps from the red car covered in shredded duct tape. He holds up a hubcap.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, we got a bit of a challenge here. The tractor wheel isn't actually made to mount right onto the car hub. I got the rim off, took the tire off. Now, the rim fits right on there, but I don't want the rim right on there, I want... I want the tractor wheel on there, so what I need to do is to mount the tractor wheel onto the rim with some kind of an adapter. Now, if you call up your local auto supply and tell them you're looking for an adapter to put tractor wheels onto a 1990 Honda... well, there's gonna be some laughter, probably a visit from the cops, maybe a psychiatric nurse. So instead, {picks up a roll of duct tape} might I recommend the handyman's secret adapter, duct tape.

''{Red starts to remove some duct tape from the roll. Wipe to a later scene. The car is now mounted onto the tractor wheels perfectly with the car itself some distance off the ground.}''

RED GREEN: Starting to get the idea now, aren't ya? {walks over to boat, now in front of car} Now all I have to do is slide the boat underneath there, and I'll be able to carry it safely and easily to my predetermined destination. {pushes boat underneath car} It's not a tractor-trailer, it's a tractor and a trailer.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is seated inside the car, with the boat duct-taped to the underbelly of the car.}''

RED GREEN: And it's just that simple. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh, I almost forgot, there's another bonus to this unit: I've actually added paddles to the drive wheels on her there. {points to wheels, which have paddles duct-taped to them} It's not just a boat carrier, it's an amphibious car.

''{Red drives the combination boat carrier and amphibious car into the lake, the paddles on the wheels turning. The boat floats on the water, which somehow causes the whole car to float. The paddles on the wheels continue to go and moves the vehicle along the lake.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: There's one question that terrifies all men, even more than "Can I help you find the lingerie you're looking for, sir?". You know, if you're a guy who's lived with a woman for any length of time, she's eventually gonna ask you that terrible question, "Do I look old?". {shakes his head} Now, I know she's told she's always wants you to be honest with her, but she wasn't being honest with you when she said that. Okay, so you can pretend you didn't hear her, but she'll ask again, believe me. Or you can just laugh it off, you know? But I say keep that laugh to exactly three seconds. A three-second laugh means, "No, you don't look old." A ten-second laugh means, "Can you say, 'Methuselah'?" And a thirty-second laugh is technically a suicide attempt on your part. Now, the best answer has nothing to do with the question, because the question has nothing to do with the question. She knows she looks old, and she knows you know she looks old. What she's concerned about is that you're gonna be unhappy because she looks old. So when she asks, "Do I look old?", give her an answer that puts her mind at ease, say, "You look perfect to me, honey," or "Not through these eyes," rather than "Don't worry about it, I never look at you." Unless you'd want to be back out there buying lingerie again! Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 2
''{Red enters the lodge, wearing a soldier's uniform, just like Dalton, and holding a baton. He clearly looks unhappy. Dalton enters, too, still in his costume. He clearly is impressed. The audience laughs and applauds.}''

RED GREEN: I don't know about this.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {laughs} Boy, you look great. I gave you the fanciest uniform.

RED GREEN: I feel like a moron.

DALTON HUMPHREY: See? Gettin' used to it already. {laughs again}

RED GREEN: That doesn't help. {holds up baton} What's this thing for?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, that's your baton, Red. You're the commander. That's how you lead the troops!

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, some troops! So far, you and I and Mike are the only three guys with costumes! What's that about?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {with guilt} Well, there was a bit of resistance to my costume rental fee, uh... {cheerful again} But it'll work out, y'know, once those guys hear the battle cry! They'll be scrambling from their leotards!

RED GREEN: There's a visual.

''{Mike then enters the lodge, also wearing a soldier's uniform and a tri-cornered colonial hat. He holds a bucket full of red flags. The audience applauds.}''

MIKE HAMAR: I delivered all the flags to the Caribou Lodge. I'm supposed to give them the green ones and then we shoot off the red ones, right?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, that's right. What about the guys at the lodge? Do they have their uniforms on?

MIKE HAMAR: {smiling} Yeah. They're a bunch of clowns.

RED GREEN: Yeah. What do their costumes look like?

MIKE HAMAR: They're a bunch of clowns. They didn't like Mr. Humphrey's prices, so they made a deal with the circus that's in town.

RED GREEN: Wait a minute, doesn't the circus need the clown suits?

MIKE HAMAR: No, they've shut down!

RED GREEN: Oh!

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, the– the elephant had a gastral intestinal problem. They had to hose down the first four rows of seats. There's a big stink about that.

RED GREEN: Okay, alright. Alright, let's get this over with, huh, guys?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {excited, raising his musket in the air} Yes! Let's fight those clowns on the beaches!

RED GREEN: No...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Fight them in the marketplace! We won't rest until we crush them!

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Dalton! Dalton! Dalton! Dalton! I'm the commander, not you.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {rolling eyes} Oh. Sorry.

RED GREEN: {with a look of uncertainty} Okay... We're gonna fight on the weekend, and, uh... we're gonna– we'll fight on a civic holiday if we have to... Be double-time, of course. {to Dalton} Alright, uh, Dalton, no, you go ahead, you do it.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looking up} I'm kind of outta the mood now, Red.

{Pause}

MIKE HAMAR: {shouting excitedly} LET'S GO KICK SOME CARIBOU BUTT! YEAH!!

''{Mike tosses the red flags in the air. They fall on the ground as he runs out the door, cheering. Red and Dalton watch him leave. Red and Dalton exchange glances, and Red shrugs. Then, after a beat, Mike then runs back in and picks up the flags.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah!

''{Mike runs out the door again. Red and Dalton turn and head for the door, too.}''

Talking Animals
''{Red and Ed stand in the lodge, behind a table with a beehive on it covered in a net. Bees are heard buzzing in the hive. Ed stands several feet away from Red and the table and holds a smoker in his hand.}''

RED GREEN: Welcome to "Talking Animals". Local animal control officer, Ed Frid, has brought in, uh, something special today: {amused} about a gazillion bees! {laughs; to Ed} C'mon up here, Ed! {Ed shakes his head} No, no. {waves him over} C'mon.

''{Ed continues to shake his head, but Red continues to wave him over. Finally, Ed nervously steps closer to the table, holding the smoker.}''

ED FRID: {stammering} It's just that I thought I saw one get out, but I– I guess we're gonna be okay.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah. {points to beehive} Is it a good idea to have an active beehive indoors? I mean, is this safe?

ED FRID: {nodding his head} No, no, not really.

RED GREEN: You should have, uh, protective wear on.

ED FRID: {nods; laughing} Yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah. You know, my safety suit is getting a little snug, right?

RED GREEN: Oh...

ED FRID: So, instead, what I did was, I took this insect net and I covered over the entire, uh...

RED GREEN: The hive, the hive.

ED FRID: Hive!

RED GREEN: Oh.

ED FRID: Yes!

RED GREEN: Oh, okay, all right. Well, you know, that's too bad, because I was hoping you could {reaches hand out} stick your hand out in there and grab a chunk of honeycomb, y'know, and, uh, show it to everybody, you know.

''{Ed stares. The audience laughs.}''

ED FRID: Yeah, I thought you might want that. {frustrated} They always want to see the honeycomb, you know. I guess it's worth it, me getting {suddenly shouts} STUNG TO DEATH! {calmer} No, I'm kidding you, Red. I'll get your honeycomb. {holds up smoker} That's why I brought this smoker.

RED GREEN: Oh.

ED FRID: Knocks the bees right out!

RED GREEN: Alright.

''{Ed aims smoker at hive and turns it on. A little smoke starts coming out onto hive.}''

RED GREEN: Gonna need a little more smoke than that, aren't ya, Ed?

ED FRID: Yeah, you want me to make 'em mad? Is that your helpful suggestion, huh? {suddenly jumps back, startled; a bee is heard buzzing} Oh! One got out! Watch out!

''{Ed shakes his head around, looking for the bee. The viewer doesn't see the bee, only hears it buzzing. Ed constantly aims the smoker at the bee, trying to knock it out. Red, meanwhile, looks at the table.}''

ED FRID: Where'd she go?

RED GREEN: {points to edge of table} Th– Th– There!

ED FRID: Huh?

RED GREEN: It's on the table!

ED FRID: Oh, okay, okay! {gives smoker to Red} Here, hold this.

RED GREEN: But I don't smoke. {laughs}

ED FRID: {picks up baseball bat and raises it in a prone position} This is not a good time for humor, Red.

RED GREEN: Oh, alright.

ED FRID: Okay. Ready?

''{Ed whacks the baseball bat down hard on the table. The table suddenly collapses from the hit. The beehive falls on the floor.}''

ED FRID: Whoa! Wow!

''{Ed stumbles and falls down on the floor, flailing his arms and legs around, while Red tries to spray the smoke on Ed, as the bees have apparently swarmed out of the hive and tried to engulf him. Ed flails his arms, trying to swat away the bees, yelling the whole time. He then gets to his feet, still flailing his arms around. Red engulfs Ed and the bees in a huge cloud of smoke.}''

ED FRID: Okay, uh, I gotta go! Whoa! {runs out the door}

Famous People In Possum Lake History
{Red enters the room.}

RED GREEN: Most people don't remember Roderick Featherstone, and everybody else is working on it. He was this area's gift to the silent screen, but when the bright lights of Hollywood turned their back on him and showed him the door, he returned back to spend out his life here at Possum Lake.

{Cut to a photograph of a small child.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Born Web Switzer, April 1, 1900, he was a natural theatrical type, so he was forced to leave town at the age of nineteen.

''{Cut to another photograph, this one of a man about to throw a javelin spear. A woman sits behind him.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} He went to Hollywood, where he got sort of famous as an actor under the name Roderick Featherstone.

{Cut to Hap Shaughnessy on his boat.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Nobody ever mentioned Roderick by the time I hit it big in Hollywood. He always played the hero's best friend. He made a whole string of really bad films: "Violet's Tender Condition", "Mustard Kean", "Knee Flappers" and "Don't Tell Mama". But it wasn't until he did a sound film that people realized, he wasn't pretending; he really couldn't act! His last film laid a big-time egg; came out in 1930, a musical called "What Depression?".

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: After a few years, Roderick was tending chickens back on the family farm near Possum Lake. According to most people, he was having a lot of trouble adjusting back to our lifestyle.

{Cut to Dalton in his store.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, I don't recall he came into my store very much. He'd seen how the other half lived and he still carried himself that way. You know the kind, the guy who wanted to buy stuff that worked. He ran that amateur theater company and he was always after me for years to play Willy Loman in a play called "Death of a Salesman". He wanted me to come see a play, but the title gave away the ending.

{Cut to Mike sitting in the back of a police car with the door next to him open.}

MIKE HAMAR: I remember on his eightieth birthday, they got together a bunch of his old films and they had this big to-do for him at the old film house. And I was working there at the time as a freelance usher. So we helped Mr. Featherstone to his seat, and then they started showing all these jerky, old, black and white films, right? But that film broke and it took them a long time to fix it, so Mr. Featherstone, he got up and he made this little speech about what a great life he had being a movie star and everything, but that Possum Lake was home, and home is the most important thing. And, boy, everybody was cryin' and clappin' and everything. And I realized that this was my chance to empty the till.

''{A policeman walks up and shuts the door next to Mike and gets into the car. Cut back to Red.}''

RED GREEN: And then he was gone. He never married. Never even had any kids. But let's not forget that the Possum Lake little theater, the government grant players and the still-controversial nude scene in "Our Town"...

{Cut to a photograph of a man holding a cigar.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...were all courtesy of the efforts of Roderick "Web Switzer" Featherstone. We'll never see another one like him. At least, that's the hope.

Inside References

 * Red's handyman project involves making an amphibious car, albeit as a side bonus. He more directly made an amphibious car as his handyman project in The Tax Refund.

Real-World References

 * Dalton mentions that Roderick Featherstone was doing a play version of "Death of a Salesman" and wanted Dalton to be in the play as Willy Loman.