Masquerade Marathon

Mike is on the run from a just-released criminal whom he got sent to jail and tries to hide from him in the annual masquerade picnic.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , , Big Al Finkleman

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, Handyman Corner, The Experts, Adventures With Bill, Ranger Gord's Educational Films, Red's Handyman Tips

DVD: The Red Green Show – 2001 Season

Transcript
{A birdhouse is seen, with various birds around it.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Isn't it great to be able to help the birds through the winter with these bird feeders?

{Cut to Red pouring some red pepper into a bucket placed on a worktable.}

RED GREEN: We all want the birds to be healthy and happy, 'cause it'll be huntin' season before you know it. {laughs} I'm kiddin'. But you know, this year, we've had the worst winter we've had in a while. {stops pouring pepper into bucket and putting it down} I'm just afraid that normal birdseed won't do the job.

{Red picks up the bucket and goes over to the birdhouse with it.}

RED GREEN: They need food that'll help generate a little extra heat in those tiny bodies. {lifts up roof off of birdhouse} And that's why I've mixed up this batch of jalapenos, chili peppers and extra, extra hot sauce to give this birdseed a little boost in the horsepower department.

''{Red pours the hot mix into the birdhouse through the opened roof. He then puts the roof back on and walks over to a picnic table, where he sits on the table. He looks over toward the birdhouse, where the sounds of hissing, bubbling and sizzling are heard inside. He hears the birds all squawking and chirping.}''

RED GREEN: I think it's gonna be a little warmer in the nest tonight.

{He suddenly hears the sounds of birds as they fly past him, trailing different colors of smoke.}

Intro
''{Red enters the Lodge, waving. The audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Yeah. Big, big week up at the Lodge this week. Yeah. I know you're excited, because tomorrow is the day the town has their annual masquerade picnic. Y'know, that's a big day. It used to be just a normal picnic; we used to have the potluck supper in there, but we've had so many food poisoning claims that now everybody wears a costume to protect the guilty.

{Mike enters the Lodge, wearing a turquoise suit and tie and nose-and-mustache glasses.}

RED GREEN: Speaking of protecting the guilty... {Mike walks up close to Red} So, uh, what's up, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: I'm not Mike.

RED GREEN: Oh, really?

MIKE HAMAR: No. I'm an interesting stranger from a faraway town. There's no one named Mike living in the face of which I speak.

RED GREEN: Oh, really?

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, mm-hmm.

''{Red reaches out and removes Mike's glasses from his face. Mike smiles and bats his eyes at Red.}''

RED GREEN: What's the problem?

{Mike suddenly breaks down, crying.}

MIKE HAMAR: You gotta help me, Mr. Green! About ten years ago, I ratted on this guy named Big Al Finkleman. I sent him up to the slammer, and I heard yesterday that he just got out and he's comin' to get me to pay me back! What am I gonna do?!

RED GREEN: Maybe you're not Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah, I'm Mike. {reaches inside his coat pocket and pulls out a small book} I am Mike. You have a look.

{Mike hands Red the book and Red takes it.}

RED GREEN: {looking at book} "Dalton Humphrey". Yeah, you're Mike all right. {Mike nods} Look, Mike, here's all you gotta do: tomorrow is the masquerade picnic, right? So go out and get yourself a decent costume, and you'll blend right in. This Big Al guy will never find ya.

MIKE HAMAR: {intrigued} Oh, that's a great idea! I'm gonna go right over to that costume store.

RED GREEN: All right...

MIKE HAMAR: How late are they open?

RED GREEN: Oh, don't worry about it, there'll be somebody there 'til six.

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, I'll wait.

{Mike sits down in a chair.}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
DALTON HUMPHREY: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game! Yeah!

''{Dalton waves his arms victoriously. The camera pulls back to reveal Dalton standing behind the card table where Red and Harold are seated.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: {picking up and holding a glowing stick} And tonight's lucky winner will receive this striking fluorescent bicycle handle grip. Ideal for hitchhiking at night.

''{Dalton sticks the glowing stick on his thumb in a hitchhiking pose. He then sets it down and looks toward Harold.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Okay, close your ears. {Harold does so, with his whole hands; Dalton picks up word sign} Red, you got 30 seconds to get Harold to say this word... {turns sign around to show audience} "Power"! "Power"! {sets sign down} And go.

{Harold takes his hands out of his ears.}

RED GREEN: Okay, Harold, what's the most important thing on a car?

HAROLD GREEN: Cup holders!

RED GREEN: No. No, this is a performance thing.

HAROLD GREEN: Ho! Reclining seats?

RED GREEN: No, no... Okay, when I stomp down on the Possum Van gas pedal, it gives me lots of...

HAROLD GREEN: ...fumes. {pauses} It does.

RED GREEN: Okay, we have to move something like a piano. We always put Moose Thompson on the heavy end because he has more...

HAROLD GREEN: ...insurance.

RED GREEN: Okay, Harold, when you're dancing with a beautiful girl, okay, you got her in your arms, eh? Suddenly, both of you feel the something of love.

{Harold gets shocked again and laughs nervously.}

RED GREEN: No, no. No, no, no, no...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Time's almost up, Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah. No, you know what? Harold, I think– I think we're scuppered here.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, no, don't give up! Don't give up! Just use the power of positive thinking! That will–

{Red cuts him off by rapidly ringing the bell to end the game.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Way to go! {sticks the fluorescent bike grip on Harold's thumb}

Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services
{Winston is seen walking away from an outhouse and past his sewage truck, holding a length of hose.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} State-of-the-art waste-water removal vehicle, $95,000.

{Cut to Winston closing a valve on his truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} Hard hat, $20.

{Cut to a closeup of Winston's bow tie, which he adjusts.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} Trademark, $14.95.

{Cut to Winston walking alongside his truck, up to the driver's seat.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} Heading home with clean boots after four pump-outs and an overflow, priceless.

{Winston climbs into the driver's seat of his truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {voiceover} For city folks, there's public works. For everyone else, there's Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

{The image on the screen turns to liquid and gets sucked into the screen, revealing only a plain red background with the name of Winston's on it.}

Segue: Winston Rothschild
{Winston stands on the back bumper of his sewage truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: When you're hit with an aroma {drops down on the ground} that buckles your knees, and your property smells like prehistoric cheese, call us; we'll handle the problem with ease, before your neighbors keel over with each passing breeze.

{Winston holds up his business card.}

Ranger Gord's Educational Films
{Ranger Gord is seated inside his fire watchtower with a film projector next to him.}

RANGER GORD: Hi, everybody, Ranger Gord here. You know, in tonight's educational film, which, of course, I wrote and directed and... well, I did all the voices and drew all the pictures and, uh, well, I choreographed most of the love scene... {winks} Tonight's episode is all about teaching you how to talk to the animals. I like to call this episode "Ranger Doolittle". This is, of course, just a catchy name for this film and not any kind of an indication of what I do up here on a regular basis, okay? Really, it's not. So, anyway, that's the end of the introduction portion of the presentation. Now we move on to the next portion of the presentation, which is, of course, the... middle part of the presentation, which comes right after the introduction and, of course, just before the... {pause; breathes} ending. {another pause} Here we go!

''{Gord starts up the projector. The film starts. The cartoon Ranger Gord's hand pops in and writes out "Ranger Gord's Educational Films" and underlines "Educational". A picture of Gord appears in the title. The film then fades to Gord posing with the title "Starring me! Ranger Gord". Fade to a shot of a cartoon sky dotted with clouds. The title reads, "Today's episode..." and then "RANGER DOOLITTLE". Cut to Ranger Gord standing next to a tree.}''

RANGER GORD: Well, folks, today, I'm gonna show everyone in our solar system that I can talk to the animals!

''{Cut to another perspective of Gord. In the tree hangs Little Red, upside-down from his tail. Next to the tree is a stream with a beaver dam in it. On top of it is Little Harold.}''

LITTLE HAROLD: Fwaaaa, that's awesome, Ranger Gord! {holds up a tree branch}

RANGER GORD: Yes, it is, Harold. Have either of you ever talked to animals?

LITTLE HAROLD: Ah, I haven't personally, no, no.

LITTLE RED: {lowering himself down from the tree} I speak to a jackass every once in a while, you know?

''{Gord stares at Red, who looks annoyed. Cut to a moose, looking angry. It snorts. Red's eyes bug out in shock at the sight of the moose. The moose charges at Red and butts him, sending him spinning through the air.}''

LITTLE RED: OW!

{Gord watches Red fly through the air, then turns to the camera.}

RANGER GORD: As you can see, animals don't appreciate that kind of humor.

{Gord runs over to Harold, who stares fearfully at the moose.}

RANGER GORD: This is a moose, Harold. Why don't you try talking to it?

LITTLE HAROLD: Fwa, all right. Uh, hello, uh, my name is Harold. What's your name?

''{The moose opens its mouth and stuffs Harold inside, leaving his rear exposed. Harold screams. The moose then shakes its head around, shaking up Harold inside. Meanwhile, a dazed Red returns.}''

RANGER GORD: I think maybe you're getting just a little too personal, Harold.

{The moose continues to shake Harold around.}

LITTLE RED: I think Harold's in real trouble here. Moose are vegetarians.

''{The moose stops shaking its head and Harold inside and outside its mouth. Gord walks over to the moose, shaping his hands like antlers. He then speaks gibberish to the moose. The moose drops Harold out of its mouth. Harold lands on his front body.}''

LITTLE HAROLD: {muffled} Thank you, Ranger Gord. {the moose walks off}

LITTLE RED: What did you say to him?

RANGER GORD: I said... {repeats the gibberish from earlier}

LITTLE HAROLD: {getting up} Uh, and what does that mean, huh?

RANGER GORD: No idea, Harold. Just because I speak moose doesn't mean I understand it.

LITTLE RED: Let's go, Harold.

{Red and Harold turn to leave, but Gord cuts them off.}

RANGER GORD: No, hang on a minute. Let's see if I can get that moose back here to apologize.

''{Gord turns and calls out in gibberish. A duck walks up.}''

LITTLE RED: {pointing} That's a duck.

RANGER GORD: Close enough. Why don't you say something?

LITTLE RED: Uh, no thanks, no.

RANGER GORD: Oh, come on, you can do it.

LITTLE RED: Uh, no thanks, Gord, I, uh, don't want people to see me talking to me to a duck.

RANGER GORD: {crossing his arms and looking away} You're a snob, you know that, Red? {looks at duck and speaks gibberish to it; duck stares at him}

LITTLE RED: Alright, I'll, uh, give it a shot here. Uh... {to duck} So, duck, how would you describe Ranger Gord?

DUCK: {staring as before} Quack.

''{Gord looks surprised. Red and Harold high-five each other, but Harold falls over on his back. Cut to a shot of a green hill with trees. The duck struts by with an expression like Groucho Marx, complete with thick eyebrows and holding a cigar. Gord's hand comes into frame, holding a "The End" sign. The film ends. Cut back to the real-live Gord, who applauds enthusiastically and gives a thumbs-up. He then turns off the projector.}''

Segue: Winston Rothschild 2
{Winston stands in front of his sewage truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If your ground seems unusually soft, if each time you breathe, you let out a cough, if the cows roll their eyes and barf in the trough, better call Rothschild's before the lid blows off.

{Winston holds up his business card.}

Red's Handyman Tips
''{Red slowly drives the Possum Van down a one-lane road with a solid line dividing it in half. A whole line of cars following behind him, all honking their horns at him. He just finishes going past the white line that divides the lane, which now turns into broken white lines and thus creates two lanes. Once through this lane, the cars behind the van swerve into the new lane and pass by Red, going much faster now.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} You know what really fries my bacon? When I'm cruising along the highway and car after car comes up behind me and swerves over the line to pass. To me, it's an insult, like I'm just going slow for spite or something. Anyone who knows me could tell ya I'd go faster if I could. If only there was a way to stop them from passing me.

''{Cut to Red standing behind a worktable outside a wooden shack. The Possum Van is parked behind him. On the table are a traffic cone, a paint can and a baseball.}''

RED GREEN: Well, there is! Now, you're thinking I'm gonna maybe switch to jet fuel or... supercharge the engine or maybe build some kind of a flamethrower into the back of the van. And while those are great ideas, I'm going with something that captures my trademark creative subtlety. I'm gonna build a giant ballpoint pen. {picks up cone} All right, now all you need is one of these safety pylons. I found this one just up the road.

''{Suddenly, Red looks off-screen as he hears the sound of tires screeching, followed by a crash. Red then hastily picks up the baseball.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, then you just get a hard ball, and you drop that in there. {drops ball into cone} That's the ball of your ballpoint pen. You already got the point, which is to stop people from passing ya. {picks up a coil spring} Okay, now, to hold the ball in place, you need a big spring. This here's a coil spring off a car. You can find those beside any pothole. And then to hold the whole assembly in place, {picks up paint can} ...you wanna attach a few paint cans, one on top of the other, and then punch a hole in the bottom of each one. I'll explain about that later. {picks up a roll of duct tape} Attach them all together with the handyman's secret weapon.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has placed the unit onto the side of the van, next to the driver-side door. He pours some white paint into it, which has three empty paint cans duct-taped to the traffic cone.}''

RED GREEN: So all we do is add the ink, which in this case is paint. These paint cans were actually empty, so I had to add paint to them and it just so happens to be the exact same color as the stuff they use to paint the highway lines. {opens door and climbs inside} There's a coincidence, huh? {chuckles; closes door} Alright, let's go see if the pen is mightier than the tailgater.

''{Red starts up the Possum Van and drives off. Later, he is seen driving down the same road as before, behind a line of honking cars.}''

RED GREEN: Remember now, no passing on the solid line.

''{The ballpoint pen drops down to the ground, dragging alongside the van. The paint-covered ball rubs against the road, painting the broken line completely solid and keeping the line of cars behind the van from passing.}''

Explanations

 * The duck in the Educational Film describes Ranger Gord to Little Red by saying, "Quack". A quack is an untrained person who pretends to be a physician and dispenses medical advice and treatment.

Real-World References

 * Winston's first commercial is a parody of the "Priceless" commercials for MasterCard.
 * The music heard during some of Ranger Gord's Educational Film are Night On Bald Mountain by Modest Mussorgsky and The Nutcracker Suite by P.I. Tchaikovsky.

Famous People

 * Ranger Gord trying to talk to animals, as well as the title for this episode's Ranger Gord's Educational Film, is a parody of Doctor Doolittle, a fictional animal doctor who can also talk to animals.
 * The duck's expression and walking motion are references to Groucho Marx.