Possum Lodge Provincial Park/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, every once in a while

I like to do a little feature

for people who are maybe a

little less fortunate than

the rest of us.

For example, pumpkin carving

is a lot of fun,

but what if you're one of those

guys who's not allowed to

have sharp objects?

Well, here's

what you do...

First, I take

this glue stick, see?

Then I just draw a scary face

right onto the pumpkin.

No harm there, just keep the

glue away from your face

and don't inhale.

There we go.

Okay, now you just empty

a few shotgun shells

to make a harmless

little pile of gunpowder.

Now all you do is roll old

pumpkin head face down

into the gunpowder.

And you'll find it only sticks

where you put the glue.

Okay, now all's you

have to do is the carving.

You may not wanna stand too

close for this part

unless you're real

tired of your facial hair.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

No, I appreciate that.

You know, we had a lot of people

drop by the lodge this week.

I was kinda hoping they may

stay over a night or two,

but they were just stopping

to ask for directions

to the new provincial park

up at port asbestos.

So they're jammed to the

eyeballs and we got nobody!

Boy, it's frustrating when the

government uses your own money

to compete with you.

Makes me feel a lot better

about not paying my taxes,

I'll tell ya!

Uncle red!

Yeah?

[ cheers and applause ]

I got a question.

What's the exact wording

on your birth certificate?

"male."

what is it on yours?

No, I mean, is this how

you spell your full name?

Like that?

I dunno.

I've never written it.

What is that anyway?

This?

Oh, it's nothing.

Just a little

crazy idea I had.

Do you just mind

signing the bottom?

This isn't an application to

turn the lodge into a chess

club or something, is it?

Haha! No!

Provincial park.

Yeah, the one in port asbestos

is working so well

the government is looking to

open one in our area maybe.

Really? Well, we'd be

perfect as a provincial

park, harold.

I mean, we're in

a province and...

We got places to park.

Yup!

They may wanna

make a few changes,

like tear down the lodge

and run the lake water

through a sewage

treatment facility,

but that's about all,

I would think.

Tear down the lodge?!

I'm not letting them do

anything to the lodge.

They've allocated $15 million

for the project!

Well, go, go, go!

I know!

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner will receive a

free coupon for a free

wash, wax, buff, shine

and lube job

from the possum lake

fitness club.

Okay, now, mr. Green --

cover your ears.

You've got 30 seconds to get

dalton to say this word...

Yeah, okay, mike.

And... Go!

All right, dalton,

this is easy.

Okay, if you don't understand

what someone is saying,

you tell them

to speak...

English.

Okay, okay, when you're

playing baseball, eh,

somebody will yell,

"you're..."

out.

No, I mean this

is your turn at bat, eh.

So what do your

teammates say?

"oh no"?

Okay, okay...

Dalton, the very first thing

you did this morning

was to get...

Yelled at by ann marie.

Yeah, but after

that you got...

The heck outta the house.

Go another way with it.

What's the opposite

of being down?

Being single.

You're almost

outta time, mr. Green.

Okay, you hear that, dalton?

Time's almost...

Almost...

Gone! Time's almost

gone, red!

Hurry up!

Welcome to the

experts portion of the show.

This is where we address those

three little words

that men find

so hard to say...

Audience:

I don't know!

Yes, you do,

coz that was them!

Okay, today's letter

goes as follows...

"dear experts..."

lalala.

"dear experts, now that I'm

older, I've noticed

"that certain parts of my body

don't function as well

as they used to."

oh for god --

"my wife says there's no shame

in seeking medical assistance,

"but I want your advice.

"should I get a hearing aid?"

signed phil.

It's okay, he just wants

to get a hearing aid.

Does that help?

For his ears, dalton!

What?!

All right, yeah, sure,

you can get a hearing aid

if you wanted to,

but if you're a middle aged guy,

you know, like,

how much are

you really missing?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, at our age

nobody comes up and

says stuff like,

wow, nice abs.

Or, where'd you learn

to play guitar like that?

Or, uh, what do you

think about anything?

Yeah, yeah,

I agree with red.

I recommend something

called selective hearing.

Only hear what

you wanna hear.

That's a great theory.

It's a terrible theory!

Thanks, red.

Phil, phil,

get a hearing aid!

It's important to communicate

your emotions and thoughts

with your loved ones.

You gotta stay

in the loop.

That's what the

hangman used to say.

Okay, look, I know you're

both just kidding around,

but I hope you do get hearing

aids if the time comes.

Well, I think if my hearing

goes I may get a hearing aid,

but, harold, if you go

I will definitely get one.

You know, there's been a lot

of great inventions over

the last 100 years...

Splitting of the atom,

polio vaccine,

but the greatest one has to be

the drive-thru restaurant.

Man, if I coulda told my

great-grandfather

that the day would come where

they could stuff a hot meal

into a paper bag

and toss it through

your car window,

he would just

shake his head.

But I'm thinking maybe it's time

to take it to the next level.

Instead of a

drive-thru restaurant,

where you have to go

to where the food is --

which can be humiliating if

you're, say, on foot,

or worse still,

riding a bicycle,

I suggest a

drive-to restaurant,

where the food actually

drives to where you are.

And I'm not just talking

about plain old delivery

where all you get is soggy

fries and lukewarm attitude.

I mean an actual

kitchen on wheels.

It's a million-dollar idea

that you can make out

of a $40 car.

And since we're

talking take-out,

we gotta start by taking

out a few things.

Like these seats.

Now, if you end up using a

luxury vehicle with the

heated cushions,

you might think

about keeping 'em,

make great bun warmers.

Okay, now that

the seats are gone,

the only other thing I have

to lose is the roof,

if you don't count

my credibility,

and I'm sure you don't.

Okay, just gotta get

this outta the wind here.

Okay... Not sure

what happened there.

Must've blacked out.

The roof is missing.

Oh there it is.

Okay, now the next step is

to install our grill here.

It only makes sense to be

cookin' our burgers on

a barbecue,

but we're gonna actually tie it

into the fuel line of the car.

[propane hissing]

not gonna need

this propane tank.

Looked empty.

Okay, the barbecue's gonna

take care of the burgers

and hotdogs,

but for the french-fries I need

something that'll hold a lot

more grease.

And I don't mean

harold's comb.

How about the tank from

an old oil furnace, huh?

And the beauty of

these babies is,

the longer she's been here,

the easier it is to detach.

Okay, now, for your

french fries

you really wanna have those

pre-cut before you

hit the road.

You could slice 'em by hand,

but for a job this big,

I prefer something

a little faster,

like, say,

a wood chipper.

Now we're cookin' huh?

I cycled engine oil

through the fryer,

so the same oil that

keeps the engine cool

keeps the fryer hot.

I'll tell ya something,

if you want those golden

fries everybody loves,

10w-30.

I've even got

these fryer baskets,

which you can get

at any grocery store.

Attention, shoppers,

your fries are ready.

Meanwhile, up front,

my burgers are piping hot

and perfectly broiled,

all ready for

our prep station.

And while you're at it,

why not fill the

car radiator with hot coffee

and then hook it up to a tap

mounted right here on the

dashboard, huh?

Oh yeah.

Okay, I think I may have

answered my own question there.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got a hungry

town to feed.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

you know, most men are a little

vague about when exactly

middle age begins.

Got nothin' to do with your

chronological age.

Doesn't matter if your hair's

gone grey, gone white,

or gone awol.

You have officially

arrived at midlife

when the most important

aspect of any activity

is comfort.

Excitement, adventure,

even finances,

all take a back seat

to comfort.

You don't care

about physical fitness,

you want heating and

air conditioning.

You want padding.

On your furniture,

on your paycheck,

on your own butt.

Even your love life

is affected.

Forget passion.

You're ready to be in a

comfortable relationship.

You know, where nobody

yells at anybody,

where nothing changes,

and nine times outta ten,

you fall asleep before

your wife does.

Your wild oats have turned

into wild oat bran.

And as midlife progresses,

you may eventually get

to the point,

where you're even

comfortable with yourself.

Now, some people

call that giving up,

I call it true success.

If you can stand in front of a

mirror, a wife or a banker,

and say, hey, this is

as good as I get,

that's gotta be a

comforting thought.

For you,

not for them.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for ya;

we're all in this together.

[ applause ]

chow lee's kung pao

chicken with peanuts;

mexican chili crust quiche

with chorizo sausage;

indian bengali

red dal curry;

moroccon noodles

with cumin;

vietnamese pepper casserole;

turkish eggplant goulash

with curded goat cheese;

argentinean marinated

aardvark... And more.

If this is what

you're eating,

we need to

take a meeting.

Well, we heard back

from the government

on our provincial park

application.

They're gonna send an

inspector in three days

to have a look at the place.

Actually, the whole town is

pretty darned supportive.

Soon as they heard that

we may tear the lodge down,

boy, they're all for it!

Hey, red, you wanted

to see us?

Yeah, I need you to go out

there and just clean up

the property

around the lodge before

the inspector gets here.

Okay, we'll just throw all the

junk in the lake then.

No... Don't throw

all of it in,

coz if the water gets up too

high the boats'll sink.

Right. Okay.

Uh, what are these

inspectors gonna look at?

I mean, will they be

inspecting our persons?

I dunno.

Let's go. Let's go.

Okay, well, uh --

what about the, uh,

those holes that look like

something has just been

buried recently?

I'm just asking.

It's not a scavenger

hunt, mike, okay?!

They're gonna look at the

buildings, the property

and the lake, okay?

C'mon, mike.

Away you go.

Okay, um, um,

will they, uh, be,

uh, checking the vehicles?

Well, they may.

If you've got something

in your vehicle,

maybe you should just

stash it somewhere

for a while.

Oh, yeah, I did.

Okay. Great. Great.

I put it in the

back of your van.

Uncle red, we've got

a bit of a wrinkle.

What?

Yeah, the guy from the

government says they only

approve places where families go

and this is a

bit of a men's lodge.

Okay, here's

what we do, okay...

The town is

behind us, okay.

Yes.

So you tell all the

women and the children

to be here on

inspection day.

You're okay with that?

Yeah... Tell 'em

not to touch anything.

They won't wanna touch

anything, don't worry.

Red: Dalton and the guys are

putting on a charity

car wash there,

and my car was -- well, it

wasn't really filthy,

had a little dust on her,

and I thought I might as well

support a local charity.

They never set

the price on these,

so whatever you give 'em,

they're usually thankful.

I figured a loonie'd probably

be grateful for that.

Dalton calls everybody off,

saying apparently the loonie

didn't qualify

for the full treatment.

That's apparently

all I got, so...

So I figured I better take

her up a notch or two

and this would be my annual

giving here, a canadian 20,

it's an american one or two,

I believe.

So away they go, and walter's

soaping her up

and winston's got

the vacuum cleaner,

and there was some stuff

in there, just a --

gonna fill that baby up

pretty fast, I think.

I don't really clean the car

as often as I should.

Oh, there's -- they need a

little more water pressure,

so dalton's saying

to me would I --

I had never actually seen the

type of valve they were using.

Anyway, I just pulled her back,

and there's a lot of pressure

in there.

And then of course you have

the handle come right off,

now the hose is --

a hose can dance on you!

It starts banging on the door

and winston thinks somebody

is knocking for him,

so he's gettin'

the inside of her,

and the vacuum is really taking

-- it's getting a little

bigger I notice.

Taking up a fair

bit of stuff.

Now it's time

to do the rinsing,

so dalton aims -- something

went wrong with the nozzle,

she -- shootin' kinda to a 90

degree to the right there,

kinda like the

alliance party,

and so walter gets the idea if

he stands here and dalton

aims at him,

it'll go sideways and it'll

rinse off the car.

And dalton is

hesitant to do it,

but walter is insisting.

He finally understands.

But apparently it had --

whatever it was has

cleared itself out,

so... Later that day,

winston pretty much had her

folded by now -- the

vacuum cleaner,

we're really straining the

limits of that particular unit.

She's gettin' to be

a real good size.

And I'd had enough.

And so I thought I'd

just rinse off --

rinse off the car on my own,

and while I was rinsing

off the car,

there's always time

for a little bit of fun.

Heheheheh,

oh, that's good.

So I got the soap

off of there,

so I said thank you very much,

that's 20 bucks worth.

I'm happy.

Just get winston outta there.

Winston, just clear out.

Out you go, way you go,

way you go, way you.

Oh boy, that baby's --

I didn't realise that

the door slam would --

okay, didn't gain

that much, did I?

Man! Coffee all over me!

And you know why?

Coz of the

coffee cupholder.

It can't adapt to the

irregularities of my

driving pattern,

so every time I swerve,

I'm hangin' 10

in a wave of caffeine.

I suppose I could wait until

the automotive engineers

come up with a solution.

But you can probably

tell by looking at me

that I don't have that kind

of patience or time.

So instead,

allow me to present,

the red green dynamic

gimble-mounted spill-proof

coffee cupholder.

It's a simple

design, really.

I just attached a bicycle

pedal to the steering wheel --

that makes

a flexible mount.

The cupholder itself is a

roll of the handyman's

secret weapon,

and then the counterweight for

the unit is a small trophy

that I won at a yard sale for

being the first one to

offer them a quarter.

Now, no matter which

way I turn the wheel,

the cup stays level.

Is that brilliant

or what, huh?

You know, sometimes I think

I'm just wasting my time here.

Well, I'm wasting

somebody's time.

Call the doctor

if you're not feeling well,

call the plastic surgeon

if your face just fell,

call quasimodo when

you wanna ring your bell,

but call rothschild sewage

if there's a horrible,

mind-numbing smell.

Well, our hopes of turning

possum lodge into a

provincial park

had a bit of a setback.

The inspector shows up today,

two days early.

All the women are at work,

and all the kids are in school.

So all we got is men here,

and that's not gonna work.

Luckily, we've got the

imagination to come up

with an emergency plan.

[ laughter and applause ]

so, uh...

How'd that go?

Oh, fine.

Well, what did he say?

Not much.

He asked harold out.

What?!

Yeah! Tonight for

dinner and a movie.

You weren't leading him on,

I hope, harold.

You want the contract,

don't ya?

What am I gonna do,

uncle red?

What if he gets

fresh with me?

Okay, you guys wait

right here, okay.

I got an idea.

You're not upset that

he asked me out, are ya?

No! Not at all.

I'm happy for you.

Thank you.

Thank you!

He is kinda cute in

a rugged way.

You know,

he's not my type.

Really?

I am guessing:

Hairy back.

Oh, oh!

Okay, harold, I got

it all figured out.

You are still gonna

go on the date,

but you're gonna

take your son.

Son?

There you go!

[ laughter and applause ]

[ horn honking ]

there he is, you guys,

so away you go.

And have a

good time, okay?

Can I play video games

at the restaurant?

We'll see.

Don't slouch.

I'm not!

Don't slouch!

Owww!

Just get in the car.

I hate you! I hate you!

[ cheers and applause ]

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time, red.

Yeah, you go ahead,

uh, dalton.

Okay, uh, if my

wife is watching,

and I really

hope you're not...

Um, got a bit of

a surprise for you,

harold is finally

going out on a date.

That's gotta

be good news, right?

And to the rest of ya,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and haroldine

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

come on, sit down, sit down.

Come on everybody,

let's go.

Meeting's coming to order.

Everybody sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Did we get the

provincial park?

No!

And I'm through with men.

Did you get his number?

I got his wallet.