Mr. Possum Lake/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

How many times have you been

in the middle of a hot shower

when somebody flushes

the toilet somewhere

and you undergo a real quick

change in temperature

and heart rate?

I'll tell you it's the

biggest shock you can

get in the bathroom

since the invention of

the full-length mirror.

Well, I have a

real simple solution.

Get yourself a bunch

of these safety flares.

You know, people just throw

them into the trunk

of their car,

and then they

forget about them.

So nobody's gonna mind if you

just kinda help yourself.

What you do is you

just wrap these babies

in around your

shower head, see?

Just like that there.

Then when you light 'em,

what's gonna happen is

they're gonna heat the water

as it comes through the pipe.

Which means all you gotta do

is turn on the cold water.

That saves you money.

And more importantly,

it's flush proof.

Perfect.

And you know,

under this warm glow,

even us middle aged guys

don't look too bad naked.

I wonder what bernice

is doing right now?

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate that.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

It's our annual

mr. Possum lake competition

with caribou lodge there.

It's based on

strength and speed.

One year we based it on looks,

but everybody came in fourth.

So we've gone back

to strength and speed

because if you can't be

strong, you gotta be fast;

if you can't be fast,

you gotta be strong.

If you can be both you

can be mr. Possum lake.

If you can't be either,

you can be harold.

[ cheers and applause ]

hi, uncle red.

What's with

the basket?

You on your way

to grandma's house?

Ha-ha, no!

I was collecting

pine cones.

And I saw the guys

lined up down at the dock.

Why is moose thompson

in a thong?

It may be a thong now,

but when he put it on

it was bermuda shorts.

They're actually getting

ready for the strength

competition.

They've gotta

lift this box --

I'm gonna take it down

to them in a minute.

You see, the way it

works is that each

of the two lodges

has to pick just one

guy to represent them.

So we have to

pick our guy.

I don't know why

you do it like that.

I think everybody should

be able to compete.

You know, that way guys

like me would have a chance.

Harold, guys like you

never have a chance.

If we let

everybody compete,

we would need a

bigger hospital.

Fine. Fine.

Maybe I should

try out, though,

because this year they're

looking for strength, speed

and intelligence.

What?

Yeah, they changed

the rules.

Yeah, you need somebody who's

strong, fast and smart.

Oh, boy. Okay.

Oh, no!

Let me try.

Let me try.

Let me try.

Oh, harold,

really?

My hands are sweaty.

That's the thing.

They're sweaty.

I just get a

little powder.

[ coughing ]

you all right?

You should be good

at this, harold.

"clean" and "jerk"

are your middle names.

There you go.

Hey! Huh? Huh?

[ cheers and applause ]

ow-w-w!

That's good work.

Bring it down to the

dock so I can put the

weights in it.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner

receives this coupon

for a whole weekend

of pony rides...

In a 1984 hyundai pony.

Offer subject to

availability of tow truck.

Okay, cover your

ears there, mike.

Red, you have 30 seconds

to get mike hamar

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, mike,

what do you have

when you have

24 bottles of beer?

Blurred vision?

Okay. Okay, mike,

when you're in trouble,

this is what your

lawyer pleads.

To pay his fee.

Okay, you're

familiar with these.

It's called an

open and shut...

Cash register.

Okay, this is something that

most business men have,

a brief...

Affair?

Okay, say there's

a crime wave, okay,

and the police chief has

kind of a news conference,

he'll say my best

detectives are on the...

Take.

You guys are almost

out of time here.

Okay, mike, when

you appear in court

what does the

bailiff announce?

Uh, he says, hey, everybody,

it's mike hamar again!

And sometimes

he even laughs,

but that's a

worst-case scenario.

There we go!

[ ♪ ]

welcome to the experts

portion of the programme

this is where we address

those three little words

men find so

hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

That's true,

isn't it?

Okay, today's letter

goes as follows...

"dear experts,

I recently turned 18,

"and I am ready

to become a man."

I hope this is

from a guy.

Oh, women don't come to you,

uncle red, for advice.

Women don't come to you

for anything, harold.

[ laughter ]

"dear experts --

to make myself more mature

"I want to grow some

kind of facial hair.

"unfortunately, I can't

decide between a beard,

"a mustache, a soul patch,

a goatee, side burns

"mutton chops, chin music,

handle bars,

"five o'clock shadow,

fu manchu

"or the good ol'

sigmund freud.

"what do you think?"

well, first of all,

you're on the right track

because that's a great

way to be virile.

To me, there's

nothing more manly

than a full, thick beard.

Especially if you

have a full thick head.

[ laughter and applause ]

uh, you know,

I'm with mr. Green

on this one, harold.

Uh, like, a beard can be

a great way to alter

your appearance.

And that can

be extremely useful.

I just don't think

you have to grow

all these wild whiskers

all over your face.

You know, a simple, subtle

moustache will do nicely.

Like mine.

You have a

moustache, harold?

Yes!

I'm just very

fair haired.

That's all. See?

That's not a moustache,

that's marmalade.

The point is...

Facial hair has nothing

to do with making a man.

This viewer can

do whatever they like.

There's all sorts of beard

choices to be had out there.

Just look at any

style magazine.

Or if you want a

beard like harold's,

look in the jams

and jellies section.

[ applause ]

have you reached

that point in your life

when you realise that

you're not all that special?

Or more importantly,

has your wife realised it?

Well, today I'm

going to show you

how to get the attention and

respect of your neighbours.

Unless, of course,

they've met you.

But, hey,

that's not my fault.

You know when you

look at pictures

of fancy houses

in these magazines

then take a look

at your own house?

Notice a difference?

I'm not talking about

the nice trees

and the no tarps on the roof

and the lack of k-cars

turned upside down

on the front lawn.

I'm talking about that

fancy gingerbread trim

they have on the eaves of some

of the nice looking houses.

Wouldn't your house look

good with that kind of

trim on it?

Oh, I know what

you're thinking...

Where am I gonna

get the money to do that?

Or how am I gonna

pull that one off?

Or, hey, wait a sec,

I'm not even married.

Well, you know, like so many

so many things in life

a lot of times the answer's

right in your own backyard.

Chances are you've got a

bunch of toys that you

don't use any more

because your kids

have grown up and gone.

Or maybe your grandfather

charged them all on

your visa card

before you had

him picked up.

Well, I've got some

great news for you

because this isn't just junk

lying around your yard

any longer.

In about one coat

of paint from now,

it's going to be your

beautifully decorative

gingerbread trim.

Okay, now, if you use that

painting technique

you may get a little

overspray there.

You'll never even see

that once the snow flies.

Now you just take all your

decorative items

around to the front lawn,

your sconces, your finials,

your bric-a-brac,

whatever.

Then you just attach

everything to your eaves

in an artistic, yet subtly

symmetric pattern.

Oh, yeah,

one other rule...

Inflatable toys don't

like staple guns.

And there we go.

Bring the ladder down

so we get a better look.

Oop! Oh! Oh!

Yeah, that's got it.

Okay, now, what did

that cost us, eh?

A gallon of paint,

a back lawn

and a couple of

muscle spasms.

Well worth it.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

Speaking of which,

this project will

make your wife

feel pretty darned special.

The neighbours are

really gonna notice you now!

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

you ever notice the

way married couples dress

after the ten-year mark

of a marriage?

The husbands

tend to dress, say,

a little more casually

than the wives do.

I'm sure you've seen middle

aged couples at the mall,

and she looks great.

Got the sharp outfit

with the matching purse;

he's wearing torn jeans

and a stained sweatshirt,

both of which fit

him several years

and hundreds of big macs ago.

I'll tell you reason for

the difference between

men and women.

Women choose clothes based on

how they make them look,

men choose clothes based on

how they make them feel.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

See, men aren't that concerned

with their appearance,

married men even less so.

Whenever you see

a dress code, you know,

at a function

or at a club,

that's for married men,

believe me.

See, the single men are still

making the sales presentation.

Married men have

already closed the deal.

They're just trying

to honour the contract

without losing

all their dignity.

But you ladies

be careful out there,

'cause every man

wants something.

The better he's dressed

the more he wants.

A middle aged married guy,

all he wants is

to be left alone.

So when you think about it,

when he's wearing the ratty

sweatshirt and torn jeans,

heck, he's dressed

for success.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you,

we're all in this together.

[ applause ]

propane heats houses

for country folk.

Butane is used to

light up your smoke.

Methane's a gas

who's not understood,

but you can tell by the smell

he's up to no good.

Harold!

Harold, congratulations.

Pardon?

Congratulations.

You won the

qualifying foot race.

I just thought you guys

were chasing me again.

No. You know

what that means?

That means you're number one

in the speed category.

Oh! Oh! How did

I do with strength?

You're number one

in the speed category.

Okay. Well, how

about intelligence?

We don't have those

results back yet.

Nobody expected you to

answer all the questions.

You're driving the

judges crazy with that.

Hey, red,

got the results

of the intelligence

portion.

And here's a shocker...

I'm not as stupid

as ann marie says I am.

Oh, sure you are.

Oh, my gosh.

Harold, you came

in first in speed,

and first in intelligence.

Oh! Excellent!

Oh, yes!

And 157th in strength,

just ahead of

old man sedgwick.

Well, actually

old man sedwick beat him,

but he failed

the urine test

because he couldn't

produce a sample.

Prostate?

No, just stingy.

Well, it doesn't

matter, dalton.

I came in

first overall,

so I'm gonna

represent possum lodge

in the mr. Possum lake

competition.

W-wait a minute,

harold.

Did you turn in

a urine sample?

No, he just gave

them his mattress.

Red (voiceover):

Walter wanted to fly

his little model airplane,

so I came out to

help him on that.

And he's all

excited about it.

It's the old, they call

them spitfire or something,

flying tiger or something.

Okay, walter,

we get it.

You know, sad to see

him go like that.

So I was gonna

start her up there,

the little 049,

got here going.

And the problem with these,

I always find,

is people get dizzy

when they're running.

And walter was

no exception.

You get spinning there

because you gotta move

your feet around.

Okay. Then he

starts losing it.

Now the plane's

coming after me.

So I head for the shed,

and it just knocked

the garbage can lid there.

Kind of split the

lid a little bit.

So we need

another plan here.

First we gotta find the --

the plane actually went

into the garbage can.

But I saw the lid there,

and it gave me an idea.

I thought, okay, you split

her there with the prop,

but if we put that

back together again,

and I'm thinking if you

actually stood on the lid,

and that would kind of spin

around on the ground,

maybe he wouldn't

get so dizzy,

because he's not turning.

See, the thing is just stand

there and just --

like I say,

it was only a theory.

So we get walter

on there and, uh --

you know, in hindsight,

I probably should've

duct taped over the split

that was there from the prop.

Anyway, I got her going.

And I --

it started to work,

and he started to swing

around nicely on it.

But then the split opened

and she starts to --

he starts to augur

himself into the ground.

And it's getting real low

and getting ridiculous now.

I gotta actually

jump over the plane.

And then he binds up --

now we got a real problem.

And then the plane

turns and heads for him.

See, not always good to have

a meal on a flight, I find.

[ applause ]

I'll tell you, the worst part

of part of cutting your lawn

is having to mow around trees

or corners like this one.

Okay, I suppose you could get

one of those weed whackers,

if you're made of money.

Or you could have

a brush fire,

but you'd have to

be on much better terms

with your local fire

department than I am.

But as always, I've come up

with a solution that's

affordable,

and -- well, let's just

stay with affordable.

These here are

carpet remnants --

you know those little bits

and pieces of carpeting

you had left over when

you decided to refinish

the hardwood floors yourself,

and then realised the

only way out of that mess

was to cover everything

in the wall to wall?

Well, now you can use

all these little chunks

you stopped your wife

from throwing away.

All's you have to do is

paint them to match

your lawn decor.

Now, that's what

I call cutting corners.

You can also put

these babies to work

so you never have to trim

around tree trunks again.

Even if you hate dancing

you can still cut a rug.

Good thing you

don't hate cheese.

Don't worry.

It's scotch-guarded.

[ applause ]

mike:

I'm having a lot of trouble

finding the right woman.

Red:

Well, she's not here.

Dalton: You know, mike,

sometimes the wrong woman

can be a lot more fun.

Mike: I'm talking

about the real thing,

a lasting relationship.

I wanna be married,

just like my mother --

except just

once at a time.

And by a real minister,

not just a guy with

a liquor license.

Red: Well, you know, we can

probably help you there,

because dalton and I have

been married quite a while.

Dalton: Oh, yeah.

Red:

I'm sure we could answer any

questions you might have.

Mike:

Great! Oh, yeah.

Okay, um...

I don't

understand women.

Like, when I'm in

a relationship,

I only think of one

thing at a time, right,

but the woman, she thinks of

everything all at once.

It's exhausting.

Dalton:

You know, mike, a man's mind

is a lot like a net.

You know, he'll go

through a lot of information

and he'll filter

out what he wants,

and that is what

he hangs on to.

Red: But a woman's mind

is like a -- like --

well, it's like

a bucket, eh?

And when she goes

through the information,

she gathers up every

little bit of it.

And if the day ever comes

when you've forgotten

some of that information,

well, she's only too happy

to refresh your memory.

Mike:

So, like, you're saying a

man's mind is like a sieve.

Dalton:

No, no, like a net.

Red:

Like a net.

A man will go through a

tremendous amount of

information --

mike:

And come up with nothing.

[sigh]

okay, mike, look.

The man is -- is --

is the anchor --

the anchor.

Dalton:

In the marriage.

Without the anchor

there is no marriage.

There's

no marriage.

Dalton: Without an

anchor, you are sunk.

Oh, geez!

Oh!

Luckily there's a woman

there to bail us out.

[ applause ]

well, this was harold's

big day representing

possum lodge

in the mr. Possum lake

competition against

caribou lodge.

I couldn't go.

I just didn't want to

put the pressure on him.

Didn't wanna

watch him lose,

and if he wins, that would

probably even be uglier.

Uncle red! Uncle red!

Oh, have I got

news for you.

What a surprise.

What is it,

as if I didn't know.

I found the

perfect pine cone.

What?

What are talking

about, harold?

Quit kidding around.

I'm not! Look at it.

The shape, the colour.

There's so many things

you can do with a pine cone.

I'm thinking of one

right now, harold.

Did you win the

mr. Possum lake

competition?

Oh, that... No.

Well, harold, there

were only two of you.

You must have

won something.

Okay, let me see.

In strength

I came in second.

And then there was speed.

I got the silver in that.

Then there was the

intelligence competition,

and the person

from caribou lodge,

they came in second last.

So you lost in all

three categories?

Very much so, yes.

But I'm okay

with that, you know?

You're just going

to have present

the mr. Possum lake trophy at

the lodge meeting tonight.

This is humiliating,

you know that?

We didn't pick you

because we wanted

to lose.

Oh, I know.

I know. I know.

If you wanted to lose,

you would've gone in yourself.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time.

You go ahead.

I'll be down in a minute.

Okay.

I'm fast!

Well, if my

wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I was hoping maybe we could

play a game of cards or chess

or anything where you

can just let me win

would be great.

Maybe a belching contest.

I can win that unless

your sister's there.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf and harold and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

everybody take your seats.

Meeting's coming

to order here.

Have a seat.

Everybody sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Men, it pains me

to tell you,

for the 12th

year in a row

we have lost to

caribou lodge.

And it is my displeasure

to present the trophy

to the person who beat harold

in every category

of the competition.

[sigh]

from caribou lodge,

the new

mr. Possum lake...

[ applause ]

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