Possum Air/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, I've seen people put

some pretty weird stuff

into hamburgers...

Bread crumbs, egg yolk,

chopped parsley!

Man, maybe it's just me,

but when a patty comes that

close to containing all

five food groups,

it pretty much ruins the

point of eating red meat

in the first place.

Personally, I have my

own secret ingredient.

It's cheap, it's plentiful,

and here's the best part...

It won't do a darned

thing for your health.

That's right... Popcorn.

What you wanna do is

stick about a dozen of these

kernels into one side

of the patty,

and then lay her down

on the b.B.Q. With

that side down.

Then you just go relax.

And there you have it.

While the popcorn doesn't

do much for the taste

or holding

the meat together,

I just don't like standing over

a hot b.B.Q. Flipping burgers.

[ popcorn popping ]

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate that.

I'm just on my way to

port asbestos

to get a video for tonight's

lodge meeting.

We're gonna rent "flight

of the phoenix".

Have you seen that one where

people crash their plane

in the sahara

and then build another plane

out of the pieces?

Oh, we love that movie.

It's kinda like the handyman's

"gone with the wind."

so what do you

say, uncle red?

Well, I say give me

10 bucks worth of

regular unleaded.

No! No! No!

It's a pilot's uniform.

I got my wings.

Well, you got wings,

I'll get some fries,

we'll have lunch.

No! No! No!

My real wings,

my pilot's license.

I can fly you

to port asbestos.

Congratulations, you're

the first customer on

possum air.

The proud bird with the

skinny, hairless tail.

Don't you need a plane

to fly anybody anyplace?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why I borrowed

old man sedgwick's

open cockpit world war I

sopwith camel.

Wait a sec, that's

his chicken coop.

Well, we took

the chickens out.

Chickens can't fly.

But you can,

if you're not chicken.

Harold, you want

me to risk my life?

Why would I do that?

Oh, come on,

I don't ask you much.

Please, please,

please!

Please, please,

please, please, please!

Oh, all right!

Get the

plane ready.

Yes, sir!

Oh!

Okay.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner

receives this coupon

for a glorious weekend for

one at possum lake's

oldest inn...

The dead squirrel.

You can go nuts

at the dead squirrel.

Okay, cover your ears, ed.

Red, you've got 30

seconds to get ed frid

to say this word...

Yeah,

all right, winston.

And... Go!

Okay, ed, when you

get a gut feeling about

something that's your...

Peptic ulcer.

Okay, no, this is something

you do without thinking.

You become an animal

control officer.

Okay, ed, when your dog

buries a bone in

your backyard,

what's kicking in?

His hind feet.

No, actually, this

is something that you

see in every animal.

Oh, teeth.

No, no, this is

deep inside an animal.

Oh, a veterinarian's arm.

Winston:

You guys are

runnin' outta time, eh.

Yeah, boy, I don't know

what I can tell you.

I don't think you're

gonna win that

weekend away.

Well, that's okay, red.

Ri didn't really wanna stay

at the dead squirrel.

That inn stinks.

Yes!

[ cheers and applause ]

this is the repair shop

part of the show we call,

if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

Joining me today is local

water taxi captain

hap shaugnessy.

Haven't seen

you in a while, hap.

Where you been hiding?

Oh, hollywood, red,

the old dream

factory.

You a big movie

star now, hap?

Oh, don't be silly.

They don't hand those jobs

out to just anyone, you know.

I'm a screenwriter.

You written anything

we might've seen?

Yeah, a couple

of sci-fi flicks.

Ever heard of

"star wars"?

I thought george lucas

had written all those.

Oh, 'lucky' lucas, no,

he just did the

first draft.

It was my idea to

set it in outer space.

Where did he

wanna set 'em?

France.

I just didn't think

that sounded believable.

No, no, it doesn't.

So what do you want

me to fix here, hap?

Answering machine.

An old girlfriend of mine

filled up the tape

with messages.

Now the rewind

button is broken.

Oh, boy, I don't

think I can fix it.

You know, I got another

cassette machine here.

I could probably just

rewind your tape

using that.

Would that be

all right?

Yeah, that sounds

good to me.

So this girl you

were going out with,

one of your

hollywood friends?

Yeah, yeah.

Gwyneth paltrow.

The gwyneth paltrow?

Are there a

lot of them?

You went out

with gwyneth paltrow?

Yeah, it was one of those

may-December things.

December of

what year?

Well, women are

attracted to me, red.

They find me mysterious.

Mysterious or delirious.

There we go.

Let's listen to this.

[ beep! ]

[ hap's voice in

high-pitched tone ]

hi, hap, it's me again,

film star, gwyneth paltrow.

Please give me a call.

I miss you, hap.

Well, she sounds

like somebody else.

Yeah, she's a

great actress, red.

You might wanna think about

being an actor yourself, hap.

Oh, sure, I know,

but I could never go

into that line of work.

You have to be

able to pretend you're

something you're not.

They're

professional liars.

If I got

paid to lie?

A billionaire.

You know, we're always

looking for ways

to raise a little extra

cash around the lodge.

So I got to thinking, boy,

we got a lotta families

coming up here.

They always have a bunch

of kids running around,

driving everybody nuts.

So I decided to make

a ride for the kiddies,

like the ones they used to

have at the grocery store.

Or maybe it was a little

car or a fake pony

or a rocket ship.

You'd stick stick

a dime in there,

and it would shake

for a minute.

That was good value,

wasn't it?

I figure I can make

something better than that

out of this old coin-operated

washing machine

they threw out

at the laundry mat

after somebody tried

to wash mattress in it.

Who knew?

And I'll tell you,

at 10 cents a pop,

this is the biggest cash cow

the lodge has seen since,

well, ever.

Now all we do is attach my

bar stool to the agitator,

and that'll give us that

back and forth motion

that the youngsters

really enjoy --

until they get dizzy and barf

all over everybody.

But first I gotta get the

agitator outta there.

Okay, I used the

handyman's secret weapon

to attach my barstool

pole onto the agitator.

But I took the

seat off first,

because I really want to

maximize the enjoyment

that a youngster is going

to get out of this.

See, now, if I mount

the seat normally,

all you get is the

normal agitator action.

But for that extra thrill

you wanna go off centre.

If there's one thing

we do well at the lodge

it's go off centre.

Okay, I think we're ready

for a little demonstration.

Actually gonna use a stuffed

animal as my test pilot

because stuffed animals

don't have parents

that'll sue you.

As a little extra

safety feature,

I'm gonna throw

a seat belt on here.

This would actually be a good

idea for all the barstools

up at the lodge.

I tell you, the kids'll be

lining up for this one.

All right,

time for lift-off.

Anybody got a dime?

You got a dime there?

Give me a dime,

will you?

Give me a dime.

Okay, please give

me a dime.

I'll get harold to clean

your windshield, all right?

Man, oh, man!

Trust in the work place a

thing of the past,

I'm tellin' you.

Okay, let's get

ready to tumble.

Everybody wins, see?

The kid has fun;

the parents have a break;

and I'm up a dime!

Gus, I'll pay you

back, all right?

Remember: If the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

And you don't have

to worry about some kid

hogging the ride

the whole day,

because if he stays

on there too long,

she kicks into

the spin cycle.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ ♪ ]

I figure a lot of

you guys out there

could benefit

from my experience.

That's a nice

way of saying that in

the great river of time,

I'm a little farther up the

creek than you are.

Now, I bet that

you still see yourself

as that virile, outdoorsy guy

that you were 20 years ago.

I'm here to tell you that

is no longer the case,

because as those years have

passed, nature has taken

its course,

and you have not been keeping

up with the curriculum.

Heading out into

the wilderness at your age

is only asking for trouble.

You remember the last time

you were in white water?

Was it when you spilled

your bromo in the hot tub?

When's the last time you

saw your hiking boots?

Heck, when's the last

time you saw your feet?

Remember you used to

grab the ol' knapsack

before hiking up

the mountain?

Now you have to

grab a nap in the sack

before hiking up your pants!

So forget about

the wilderness.

Just settle back

into your la-z-boy,

turn on the

national geographic

and watch the natural

disasters in comfort.

At our age, we don't

need high adventure;

we need high fibre.

And if you eat

enough oat bran,

you may just get both.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

[ ♪♪ rock ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

have to excuse

the mess here.

This is now the temporary

departure lounge for

possum air.

There's nothing to do.

A bottle of water will

cost you five bucks,

and the employees

are all rude and surly,

so it's pretty much

like a real airport.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the inaugural

flight of possum air.

Thank you for your patience

for our mechanical delay.

We will be boarding

this afternoon

starting with

seat number one.

Thank you for

flying possum air.

It's the proud bird with the

skinny, hairless tail.

[ trembling ]

[ whispering ]

I've jut been informed

there will be another

slight

mechanical delay.

We will, um --

boarding will commence --

[ whispering ]

oh! Shortly, ha!

Come on, harold!

If I'd taken the possum van

I'd be halfway there by now,

if it started.

Okay, all right,

well, um --

you know what we can do?

We can do our security

and save time on

the other end.

All right.

Over there?

What do you

want me to do?

Stand over here.

And I'll just scan

you with this,

and this will tell me if

you have any metal

objects on you.

Spread your arms!

[ metal detector screeching ]

oh! Oh! Oh!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ahhh!

Okay, could you

just empty

all your metal objects

into this bucket?

Oh, sure, yeah.

No problem.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, no, that's good.

You know what?

Let's just assume

you're clear.

Oh, all right.

That's good, good.

She's ready

to fly, captain.

I'm pretty sure.

Did he call

you captain?

Oh, yeah,

I'm the captain.

And mike here is going

to be your mechanic,

co-pilot and steward.

Uh, welcome aboard.

Bienvenue.

Oh, man!

Here are your

complimentary pretzels

and your parachute.

Uh, ici, uh, les,

uh, gratis bretzel

et, uh, le chute de,

uh -- hm,

para.

Get outta here.

Thanks for flying

possum air.

We don't know

that yet.

Red green: I asked walter to

meet me behind the lodge

because I wanted

to empty the van.

I needed an empty van for

what I planned to do.

And there was just

the canoe left in there,

and I thought, I can probably

help him better this way.

And we got her outta there,

but the thing is the

canoe was full of stuff,

and walter just can't

leave well enough alone.

He's gotta start

snoopin' around.

Those are one of those

fishing vests that have

the tie-downs

so you can tie your --

it's for deep sea fishing.

You tie the rod

right to the vest,

and that way you get some

help bringing the

big ones in.

And there was

the deep sea rod.

But what I was doing was

I was gonna cut some

trees down,

do some chipping,

and just empty her

right into the van.

Boy, those are

a beautiful machine.

The power in that

thing is just --

of course, walter's still

back fooling around.

He sees a big

lure in there,

a huge lure really.

So he's gotta goof around.

He's got the thing

tied to his vest,

meanwhile, I'm taking some

trees down that were

in the way

and preventing other

trees from growing,

in case anybody's

interested.

But look at the

power of this unit.

You just feed 'em in there,

and look at that thing.

I mean, look at that.

Oh, my gosh,

just right in there.

I just look at that,

I have to shave.

That is so --

it's unbelievable.

Of course, as a man,

you get ideas.

You see something like that

and you start thinking

about things

you probably shouldn't

be thinking about,

and I'm looking around

and there's nobody there.

And I'm saying,

hey, that's wicker.

I wonder if anybody would --

I wonder --

come on! You know you'd

do the same thing!

There's not a man

watching this

who wouldn't

wanna try this.

And by geez, did she

ever go in there good.

I was just recycling wicker

is what I was doing.

Of course,

walter casts there,

and wouldn't you know it

he gets snagged up

high in a tree,

and now he can't

get the lure.

And it just so happens

that it's the very tree

that's next on my hit parade

there so down she comes.

And I mean, this is

a pretty good size tree,

and to get that into --

I didn't know if

the chipper --

had some resistance,

but I just thought

it was a heavy tree.

I didn't realise

I was pulling walter.

But look at the

power of this unit.

You go in there,

and up she goes

and just cranks her

right in just no problem.

It's like watching

moose thompson eat.

And then walter's getting

dragged along the

ground there,

and I'm thinking

everything is great.

I'm really enjoying this.

I love power of any kind.

And walter flips

around there.

'course, he can't let go

because it's tied --

oh, there go his shoes.

He's got her

tied to his vest,

so he can't really --

now he's gonna try --

she starts to bog down.

I figure, what the

heck's going on?

So I figure rather than

see what the problem is,

I'll just, you know,

open up the throttle.

So I got her goin'

real good now.

There's a lot of stress.

I don't know --

oh, there we go.

So in she goes,

and I have no idea.

Suddenly I have bits of

shirt and crap coming out --

and fishing rod

went through there.

And walter comes over.

He's got some big story.

And really what he

wants is a ride home.

I say, well, look at

the way you're dressed.

Hey, come on.

No shoes, no shirt,

no service.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪ ]

don't you hate it when

you go away on vacation

and you forget to

cancel the newspaper?

I mean, burglars see

all these newspapers

sitting around here,

it's like an invitation

to just come on in.

Luckily, the rest

of the place says,

what are you, nuts?

But you always

wanna play it safe.

So what you do is take

your vacuum cleaner

and hook up one of these

attachments right into

your mail slot.

See, like that, see?

Perfect fit.

Coincidence...

Pretty much, yeah.

Then what you wanna do

is plug the vacuum cleaner

in to one

of these timers

that they have to turn

the lights on and off.

These are for people who

think they can fool burglars

by having their lights

come on and go off

at exactly the

same second every day.

Now, don't just put that

into your normal power.

You wanna run that

off your stove wiring.

That'll give the vacuum

cleaner a little

extra pizazz.

Okay, and the

beauty there is

you don't need her

to be on for very long.

Just set it to go,

say, on at 7:00

and off at 7:05.

And really it's

just that simple

and a lot easier than asking

your neighbours to pick

up your paper.

Plus, you don't need

to buy a thank-you card

for your vacuum cleaner.

All right, this is

the tower speaking.

Possum air

flight number one,

you are clear for take-off.

Harold:

This is flight number one

commencing take-off.

How are we looking, tower?

You know,

it's hard to tell.

I can't see

you over the hedge.

Can you go up any higher?

Harold:

That's what

I'm trying to do!

[ engine sputtering ]

holy smokes! There's a

clothesline dead ahead!

Watch out!

Harold, pull up!

Harold, for god sakes!

[ harold screaming ]

are you okay?

[ harold sputtering ]

what is it?

Harold:

Long underwear!

But we made it.

We're flying.

I feel funny, like my

head's going to explode.

Well, that's because

you're flying upside down.

Harold:

That explains so much.

[ airplane engine

zooming by ]

harold:

Wow! That is better.

Thank you, dalton.

How are red and

mike making out?

Harold:  I'll see.

Ah! Dalton!

They're gone!

They must've fell out when

I was flipped upside down.

Can you see them?

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Yeah, there they are now.

Uh, harold, you better

just come on down.

Harold:  Roger!

[ applause ]

great news, you just

won 100 air miles!

Free!

[ harold screaming ]

[ crash! ]

[ possum squealing ]

- mike: Meeting time.

- Red: Yeah, you go ahead.

I'll be down in a minute.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And I'm thinking

maybe this weekend

we should go

visit your parents.

After what I've

been through today,

I figure I can

survive anything.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and captain harold

and the whole gang out

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

come on, guys.

Everybody in.

Everybody sit down.

Come on, sit down.

Everybody sit down.

Gather around.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the men's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

You all remember harold,

the proud bird with

the skinny, hairless tail?