The Possum Olympics/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

To do your own plumbing.

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold: Well, they say

what goes around comes around.

Well, here's a man

who's been around

without ever buying a round --

my uncle, the star

of "the red green show,"

mr. Red green!

Wa-a!

Whoo! Whoo!

Thank you very much.

Thanks for tuning us in.

Real exciting week up here

at possum lodge.

Maybe some of you

already noticed --

we got harold here on castors.

[ laughs ]

why am I wearing

these again?

Well, harold, I just told you

five minutes ago.

Yeah, I know, but I forgot

because I was staring at that

piece of food in your teeth.

You go for it now,

and I'll cover you.

Set, go.

[ keyboard clacking ]

ha!

No, missed it.

[ keyboard clacking ]

well, harold wasn't listening,

but there is a reason

we got him on wheels.

They got a big event going on

up here.

Some kind of sporting event,

right?

Something to do

with the olympics?

Yeah, that's right, harold.

I remember now,

because all the different

possum lodge members

from all over north america,

all the different chapters,

they gather here

for the biannual posolympics!

Yeah.

See? You do remember.

A-a-and they have all

these different weird events.

You told me about all

the different weird events,

like the dessert-tray

weight lifting.

I remember that one.

And then there was the 40-man

volkswagen bobsled race.

Wa-a-a-a!

Yeah, harold, that's it.

And then I said to you,

"well, how come I have

to wear rollerblades?"

you said, "well,

you're wearing rollerblades

for the shirt sailing."

and I said, "well,

what's shirt sailing?"

and you said,

"well, shirt sailing, harold,

"is when you put on

a great-big-sized shirt

"and you hold out

the sides of it there,

"and you let the wind

catch it,

and then you go down the hill

like that, harold."

and the wind would catch me,

and I'd go flying down the hill.

And I said, "well,

what kind of sport is that?"

and you said --

shut up, harold.

"shut up, harold."

you said, "shut --"

[ laughing ]

I remember all that now.

I remember now.

What did you want again,

though?

Well, harold,

I just wanted you

to come over here

for a minute.

Oh, is that it?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

[ crash ]

yeah, that was it.

[ drums and guitar playing ]

♪ paddling up the river

as fast as we can go ♪

♪ three fat guys

in a stolen canoe ♪

♪ row, you porkers, row ♪

♪ paddling up the river ♪

♪ with a police boat

in pursuit ♪

♪ we're still going up

the river ♪

♪ but now it's in a van

with bars on the windows ♪

and virtually

no creature comforts.

[ coughs ]

red: This week

on, uh, "handyman corner,"

we're gonna get up close and

personal about your plumbing.

All right, I should say

your house's plumbing.

You know, the word "plumbing"

actually comes from the ancient

roman word for "lead,"

which was "plumbum,"

which was actually

harold's nickname for a while.

Now, of course,

the ancient romans,

they used lead

for all their water pipes.

They're all dead now.

Now, there's two sides

to plumbing, really.

There's a supply and demand --

or drainage -- drainage.

Now, the drainage side --

you got the big pipes there,

and you got holes in the ground,

and you got you know what,

you know?

And I'll tell you something --

paying 50 bucks

to a professional

to handle that

is well worth every penny.

But now the supply side --

that's a different kettle

of fish entirely.

It's so darn easy, an idiot

can do it, and I can prove it.

So what you want to start with

is, uh, copper pipe, not lead,

and you can get it any length,

but we kind of like

the 12-foot lengths...

[ metal clangs ]

...'cause, uh,

we get the 12-footers...

'cause, um...

[ glass shatters,

electricity crackles ]

...We get -- we get the 12-foots

'cause we just find

that with the 12-footers...

[ electricity crackles ]

...Uh, it's just easier

to work with.

Okay, so, uh, once you've got

your copper pipe,

uh, what you want

is to get some fittings

so that you can go around joists

and beams

and maybe pictures

or whatever it is

that you just don't

feel like moving.

So you got your various kinds

of fittings here.

You got your 45-degree elbow.

You got your 90-degree,

which come in left and right.

'course, they don't mark them,

you know,

so what I do is I just --

I buy them by the box,

and they generally work out

around 50-50.

And then you got this unit here,

which I guess would be

180-degree elbow.

And this one,

which goes right on the end

of the pipe,

which is a 360.

And then you got your "t" joiner

for joining two pipes to one.

And you got your "y" joiner

for any of you who have not yet

joined the "y."

a little plumbing humor there.

All right,

once you've got your pipe cut up

into the various lengths

that you need,

you get them all together,

and you got to rough up the ends

of the pipes

so the solder

will stick to them.

This almost looks like something

zamfir would play, doesn't it?

Anyway, when it comes

to roughing up the pipes,

there's an easy way to do that

using a belt sander.

[ sander whirs ]

[ whirring stops ]

just like that.

Okay.

Now we can assemble the piping.

Uh, we take the elbows

and fill them up with grease.

Not elbow grease,

but this other stuff.

It's called flux.

And you stick it right on there.

Uh, this is gonna probably

take me a little while

to put together,

so, uh, why don't we get on

with the show,

and when I'm done,

we'll come right back.

Once again,

it's that time of the show

where we expose those three

little words that men find

so difficult to say --

"I don't know."

wa-a-a!

And here to prove that point

just one more time

is my uncle red and, of course,

mr. Dougie franklin!

Well,

this will be interesting.

We have a letter from texas

this week.

United states.

Oh, excellent. Okay.

"dear experts,

"last year, the missus and I

vacationed in England.

"it was a real cute

little country.

"but even though they spoke

kind of like americans,

"the place was like a real

foreign country or something.

"when I ordered a bag of chips,

I got fries.

"everyone drove

on the wrong side of the road,

"and their money

looked real weird.

"this year, we're gonna come up

to canada and visit you people.

Is it weird there, too?"

I think by "weird,"

he means "different."

well, that makes you different,

then, doesn't it?

Well, you know, I don't think

there's any difference

between canadians

and americans.

Dougie,

you're an american.

Wouldn't you say

we're about the same?

No, sure, I wouldn't.

You canadians are weird.

How's that?

Well, I mean, you know,

up here, a 240z is a 240 zed.

What is a zed?

I mean, you know, it sounds like

something off "hee haw."

"looky up on the porch!

It's uncle zed!"

ah, what's in a name,

dougie?

Doesn't matter

if it's "z" or zed.

It's the same car,

it goes just as fast,

and gets the same gas mileage

up here.

No, sir, it doesn't.

[ exhales deeply ]

you go 100 kilometers

an hour.

You get maybe,

what do you say,

uh, 10 kilometers

to the liter?

Now, I don't know

whether that's good or bad.

I don't know whether anybody

who was born here knows either.

Okay, all righty,

but, you know,

we're really going

the same speeds.

And, you know,

we drive on the same side

of the highway

as americans.

No, sir, you don't.

All you canadians, you all drive

in the passing lane.

[ sniffs ]

now, in the united states

of america,

we got your driving lane,

we got your passing lane.

Up here,

you just got, like, lanes.

It's like bowling --

just go anywhere,

you know, happens to be open,

and there you are.

You try that

in the u.S. Of a,

you'd come face-to-face

with the cops.

Well, you'd have the same

problem up here, doug.

Absolutely not. Nope.

No, sir, you wouldn't.

You'd get pulled over

by your mounties,

and, of course, you know,

look at the way those fellers

are dressed, would you?

They're like

security guards.

Now, back home,

we got state troopers.

They're gussied up

with gold braid.

They got your big guns,

10-gallon hats.

You ever been pulled over

by a mountie

wearing a 40-liter hat?

I'm telling you,

you canadians are different

from us americans.

Cat's out of the bag.

Well, perhaps it's just 'cause

we're more tolerant

and we're less likely

to judge foreigners

and we're, like,

a little less close-minded

about different cultures.

No, sir.

No, sir, you're just --

that's one thing, actually,

we have in common.

You're just as narrow-minded

as we are,

only we're up front about it,

you know.

When you talk to an american

like this,

he's just gonna be

just as ticked off as you are.

But he'll let you know

instead of hiding behind,

you know,

some kind of constipated smile,

making like...

...Making like none of this

is bugging him.

Well, uh...

Thanks so much

for dropping by, doug.

Great having you here.

Yep, yep. Very informative.

Excellent.

Yes, sir.

Weird.

"it is spring.

"I walk through the woods.

"I feel like I did

when I was 15.

"I walk into a beehive.

"my face gets stung 100 times.

Now I look like I did

when I was 15."

all right, so now you've got

your pipes set,

running from your inlet

out, to say, your bathroom

or over to your kitchen

and up into the laundry room

and out into the lawn sprinkler,

maybe into your bidet,

and then out into the spittoon.

And once you've got all

your joints set like that,

you got now make them real solid

by using some sort

of soldering device

like this soldering torch.

Now, I know some people

are nervous

about using these torches,

but, uh, the truth is

that they're of absolutely

no danger at all

for using around the house,

as long as you remember to --

to turn them off, you know.

Where'd I put my matches here?

Yeah, I know the professionals

use the big --

the big 20-pounders, uh,

but to be honest with you --

oh, here we are --

to be honest with you,

I don't trust those big

propane tanks, you know.

I think -- I think those darn

things could explode on you.

[ glass shatters ]

[ coughing ]

all right, now, uh,

you might want to have

a second propane torch around

just as more or less a backup.

And you just heat up the joints

until all the flux

starts boiling in there,

and then just put the solder

on there, and she'll just --

and she'll just melt

right in there.

It's just that easy, really.

Harold, you want to come in here

and light this torch?

[ coughs ]

and there we go.

She's ready to rip.

All right, harold, uh,

turn the water on there!

[ water running ]

oh, oh! Hold it! Hold it!

Harold, hold it!

Hold it a minute!

Hold it a minute!

There, that's got her that time.

We got her.

We got her, harold!

Let her rip!

Let her roll!

Hold it! Hold on!

Do you have to turn it on

so hard, harold?

All right, that looks better.

We got her.

All right, harold,

turn her on -- gently!

[ water dripping ]

perfect.

That's all there is to it.

So, until next time, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ dripping continues ]

probably turn the water on here.

Oh -- oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Harold. Harold. Harold!

Buzz.

Yo, red man!

How's it going?

Not bad.

Getting all ready

for the possum olympic

opening ceremonies, are you?

Oh, man, I'm getting ready

for the big fly-past.

I'm gonna tie this banner

to my plane.

Check this out.

Yeah?

It says,

"to the victor goes" --

[ rip ]

oh, man, I hate that!

Look at that -- 8 minutes

of work right down the drain!

Oh, boy.

Anyways, it says,

"to the victor goes the spoils

and the beer."

oh, I probably

should have waited

for the paint to dry, right,

before I folded it up?

Yeah.

Oh, well.

You know what I'll do?

No.

I'll paint this on a sheet

of plywood and fly it behind me.

That'll be safe.

Oh, yeah.

And check this out.

When I fly past the grandstand,

right, I lean out the door.

You want me to whip out

the balloons then, right?

Yeah, but they're filled

with helium, right?

No. I couldn't get helium.

No? Yeah?

No.

So I filled them

full of water.

[ laughs ]

hey, harold,

this is the coolest.

Check this out.

Water bombs. Catch.

[ thud ]

oh, that's funny.

Normally,

they're supposed to break.

Listen, I'm sure they'll break

at 2,000 feet, right?

[ whistles ]

[ imitates explosion ]

it'll be fabulous!

Yeah, it'll be fabulous.

And I got a plane full

of streamers, right?

And I got

all this stuff, too.

What's this stuff called?

Confetti.

Confetti, yeah!

It'll be great!

Listen,

I got to go, right --

practice my demonstration

sport -- air hockey!

Oh, yeah. Air -- oh, I know.

I know the one.

It's got the table,

and the air comes up,

and you shoot those little

things around there.

Oh, man, not that.

No.

Ice hockey,

you play on ice.

Yeah.

Field hockey,

you play on a field.

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

Air hockey, red,

is played in the air!

How does that work?

Well, it's sort of like polo,

right?

Yeah?

But instead of riding a horse

and hitting a ball,

you fly around in a plane,

and you try and hit...

The zeppelin!

Wow.

Sherwood's got

the zeppelin!

He shoots!

He scores!

Harold.

On the eve of

the international posolympics,

I got to tell you,

the olympic spirit,

as you can see,

is running pretty high

up here at the lodge.

By the way, uh, harold,

what is that --

the new headgear

for your braces?

No, I'm in training.

I'm gonna go

into the boxing competition.

I'm in the flyweight

category.

I'm betting on the fly.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

You just hold on,

and you wait and see.

'cause I'm gonna float

like a butterfly

and stink like a bee.

That's "sting," harold,

not "stink."

it is?

Yeah.

I better get

another category, then.

Well, anyway,

uh, we're all geared up here.

Old man sedgwick has cleaned out

the barbecue

so we can light the torch

with it.

And then for the opening

ceremonies, of course,

stinky peterson is doing

his big number

with the three ripe cabbages

and the ice-cream scoop.

That's always

a crowd-pleaser.

And for the closer,

moose thompson got us

a water cannon.

Uncle red,

you're missing the true spirit

of the olympics, though.

Oh, I don't know, harold.

We've already had five countries

boycott us.

No, I'm talking

about the modern true spirit --

marketing and licensing.

Wa-a-a-a-a!

Think about that, huh?

We need like a --

we need an official soft drink

and an official film

and maybe an official airline!

Oh, yeah.

Well, we got

an official possum van,

and we got

an official outhouse.

We can name

an official tree.

No, no, no, no.

You're missing it.

You see, we need, like,

a logo, maybe,

and a little cartoon character

of an animal

that we can market to death,

you know?

Wa-a-a-a!

Well, what kind

of a cute little character

could we have for possum lodge

at the possum olympics?

Red: Time once again

for "adventures with bill."

didn't know what bill

had in mind this week.

[ clank ]

oh. Oh, it's horseshoes.

Oh, that's not so bad.

I understand that horseshoes

is one of the safest sports

ever devised by man.

Far as I know,

no one's ever been injured,

uh, from horseshoes.

Might be one or two exceptions,

I suppose.

Or three or four.

Anyway, the first step

is to put the steel rod --

boy, uh...

Now, I'm not gonna comment

on that.

But he has another -- hopefully

another, uh, stronger rod there.

Yep, yep, yep.

And he wants me to hold this --

I got to look away.

This is a little bit too --

no --

I didn't -- I didn't really

feel him hit the thing.

I didn't know quite what was

going on, and, uh, I just...

[ clank ]

[ bird singing ]

oh, I did hear something,

though.

Why would he be lying down?

Oh, well.

So he taped the head

back on that,

and I taped the head

back on that,

and then we could try again.

So, got the thing lined up.

Just give her a little...

You know, the sinkholes

around the lodge

are real handy sometimes,

but that seemed --

I thought that -- oh, boy.

It is a dangerous sport,

isn't it, bill?

Ohh!

Yeah, I think it is.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I thought that,

uh, with that pole thing so low

in the ground,

you know, I don't know,

I think that's more dangerous.

How are you gonna be able

to catch the thing?

Won't it go right over

like that...

Into that?

Won't that happen, bill?

That doesn't seem

to bother him too much.

Wasn't his van.

So then he starts just

kind of firing them,

and then we had kind of

a game shoot here.

Oh, my gosh.

And, uh...

Hmm.

Oh, yeah.

Don't know quite how

to score those.

I was not real pleased

with bill.

That was all my stuff.

He says, "relax, relax, relax.

You go get the horseshoes."

he's got an idea.

What he's gonna do now --

take that rake,

stick it on there,

and he's gonna duct-tape that

to the little pole.

Now he's got a great big pole

to shoot at.

Yeah, that's --

that seems a little --

a little more sensible,

but just in case,

just gonna back up just --

yeah, yeah, take some of

the danger out of the sport.

And he throws a whole bunch

at once there,

and, oh, they're coming in

like the b-49 bomber.

And now both the pole,

and then up she comes.

Fires them right back

towards bill,

and there's -- oh, boy --

one, two, and...

[ clanking ]

[ clank ]

...Three!

By golly, that's a ringer.

Yeah, bill, you're a ringer.

Three points.

This is for all

the young people,

which means

I don't have to watch it.

Well, it's time to get up

and get down

and shake your booty

and dance till you drop

and then get back up again.

Wa-a-a!

Dancing has been called

"making love while standing up."

wa-a-a-a!

Which, I guess that's why

my dad's favorite song

is the minute waltz.

[ laughs ]

all right.

Well, anyway, dancing is

a lot more than just going...

First, you need music.

[ dance music plays ]

yeah, just like that.

But you got to start slow,

you know?

Just let one foot

do some of the work.

There you go, mr. One foot.

Let him feel it a little while.

He'll tell the rest of the body.

He's mentioning it

to the leg now.

There you go.

Everyone's starting to feel it

in the whole body.

Let the rhythm flow.

There you go.

Mr. Shoulder heard all about it.

[ chuckles ] oh!

Harold!

Harold!

Harold! Harold!

Hopefully,

he'll dance all the way out

into the bug zapper.

[ electricity crackles ]

harold: Whoo!

We all live for the good days,

don't we?

Harold's got these contracts

he's doing.

We just want to make sure,

you know,

that the I's are crossed

and the t's are dotted.

Well, I'm not so good

at the fine print anymore, red.

You see, my eyesight's gotten

so bad,

I can barely see my hand

in front of my face.

[ gunshot, bullet whizzes ]

what did I get?

Uh, looks like a shrub

of some kind.

They're tough to clean,

aren't they, reg?

Well, the dream is dead.

The posolympics

have been canceled --

canceled before the spray paint

was even dry

on the gold, silver,

and bronze medals.

Canceled?

Oh, you can't cancel,

uncle red.

I just signed a multi-dollar

television deal.

Oh, we got, like,

prime-time on cable 10,

midnight to 3:00

every night.

Well, I'm sorry, harold,

but every athlete

was caught

taking a performance-enhancing

substance --

oh.

Beer.

Beer?

Beer doesn't enhance

your performance.

Oh, harold,

you sound just like my wife.

Beer enhances

an athlete's performance

in his own mind, harold.

They think they can jump higher,

run faster,

and throw up farther.

All they do is fall down

and hurt themselves.

Yeah, but,

uncle red, look --

I just designed

a posolympic logo -- watch.

[ imitates

trumpet blowing ]

[ imitates

elephant trumpeting ]

[ laughing ]

and, of course,

there's a posolympic motto.

"be the very best

you can be...

Considering."

[ screeching ]

oh, that's the squeal

of the possum.

We got a meeting now.

Yeah.

Well, you go on down and fan

the olympic flames, harold,

and I'll be down in a minute,

okay?

Okeydoke.

Well, this is probably the only

sporting event in history

where you can say there are no

winners and no losers here today

and mean it...

Except for the part

about the losers.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And I am no longer in training,

which means, uh, I can relax,

so to speak.

Tonight,

I'd like to go for the gold.

That's code.

And to the rest of you,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

thank you so much for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching continues ]

harold:

All rise. All rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Couple of quick announcements

before we get into the meeting.

Uh, all the posolympic

paraphernalia

is available at cost

to any of the members

or whatever trustees

are appointed by the receiver.