Sausage Envy/Transcript

The complete transcript for Sausage Envy

Opening Scene
{Red is seen walking along outside the lodge, eating a bowl of popcorn.}

RED GREEN: I like popcorn. I like it a lot. I've seen movies where the popcorn is the best part. Now, of course, I'm married, we don't go to the movies. We don't go out at all, in fact, unless there's a grease fire. {walks up to a worktable and sets bowl of popcorn down on it} So I just– I just make my own popcorn at home. {picks up a measuring cup full of popcorn kernels} What I do is, I'll take a cup of kernels like this, put 'em into a pot, {shakes hand back and forth} shake her on the stove until my arm falls off, {holds up bowl of popcorn} and that'll make me a bowl of popcorn like that. {holds up index finger} But when friends or maybe Moose Thompson drops over, well, I need to make a bigger batch.

''{Red pours the popcorn kernels from the measuring cup into a bucket on the ground, full up with more kernels. He then picks up the bucket.}''

RED GREEN: You know, I'm thinking, I need a machine to do the work for me. {walking along with bucket} Y'know, that's exactly what happened in the Industrial Revolution. I need something industrial that has revolutions. I'm thinking clothes dryer.

''{Red walks into a shed where a clothes dryer is. He opens the door and pours the kernels into the dryer. He then picks up a stick of butter sitting on top of the dryer.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now we just pop a stick of butter in the lint filter. {puts butter inside dryer with kernels, then closes door} And it's showtime!

''{Red starts up the dryer, which starts to shake and hum. Wipe to a later scene. The dryer is still shaking and humming, but now, smoke is also starting to waft out of the dryer. Suddenly, the dryer dings and it stops shaking and humming. Red then walks up, holding a small tub. He places it under the door, which he then opens. The dryer is full of freshly-popped popcorn, which pours out into the tub. Red looks at the camera and gives a thumbs-up.}''

Intro
''{Red enters the lodge, waving. The audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, thank you. {rubs hands together} Yeah, appreciate that. Well, it's a big, big week up at the lodge this week. It's the annual Possum Lake sausage carnival. You send in your homemade sausages, bratwurst or knockwurst or whatever, and the judges decide who has the best wurst. We enter every year, but the guys at Caribou Lodge always beat the stuffing out of us. {the door behind Red opens; holds up index finger} but I got a feeling that this year is our year.

{Dalton walks into the lodge, holding some very long sausage casing.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, I got the sausage casing.

RED GREEN: {looking at casing} Wow! That's a pretty big wad of tubing you got there. Where'd you get that?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, I know a guy who works with an experimental farm.

RED GREEN: {looks at casing again} How did that experiment go, do you think?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {shaking head} I have no idea, Red, but then, you know, when a guy hands you fifty foot of intestine on a silver platter, you don't want to ask questions.

RED GREEN: {shrugs} All right. {scratches neck; laughs} No, you don't look a gift horse in the mouth, huh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {stares} You're not even close.

RED GREEN: {putting up both hands} Alright, alright, fine, I understand. {back to camera} Like I'm saying, our chances of winning {rubs hands together} the sausage carnival are better than ever.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, and the winner gets a picture in the paper posting beside his sausage, plus a year of bicarbonate-of-soda.

RED GREEN: Yeah?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah.

RED GREEN: {holds up hands} And you get to wear the sausage crown, which is a hat shaped like a crown covered with sausage. You probably figured that one out already.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {waving dismissively} We haven't won yet.

RED GREEN: No. Well, we better get packing. {looks at casing} It would take a fair whack of mystery meat to stuff that puppy, isn't it?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looks at casing} No guts, no glory.

RED GREEN: Okay. {they both turn and leave the lodge}

Visit With Kelly Cook
''{Kelly Cook is seated at her desk in an office in the city. She is drinking some blue punch from a thermos and looking in a magazine.}''

MAN'S VOICE ON PHONE: Miss Cook, Mr. Green here to see you.

KELLY COOK: {pressing button on phone} Cool. Send him in.

''{Kelly puts the magazine and the thermos away. Red walks into the office. He looks around as he enters.}''

KELLY COOK: Mr. Green?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

{Red reaches his hand out as he and Kelly shake hands.}

KELLY COOK: Thank you for coming in. I'm Kelly Cook.

RED GREEN: All right.

KELLY COOK: You know, you are a lot older than I had been expecting.

RED GREEN: What is this, a school day? Huh? {laughs}

KELLY COOK: I'm a new programmer here at the network.

RED GREEN: Oh.

KELLY COOK: {gestures toward chair in front of desk} Please, have a seat.

RED GREEN: All right. {they both sit down}

KELLY COOK: Now, I have a few suggestions for your show. {Red nods} And by "suggestions", I do mean "instructions", okay?

RED GREEN: You've seen my show?

KELLY COOK: {shrugging} Not all the way through. Let's see. First of all, the lodge itself...

RED GREEN: Okay...

KELLY COOK: {looking down in thought} How should I put this? {looking up again} It's gross. {Red looks away momentarily} It needs to be cleaned up.

RED GREEN: {nodding} Okay...

KELLY COOK: Okay, or destroyed. It's up to you.

RED GREEN: {nodding} All right...

KELLY COOK: Okay. Secondly, {puts left hand on table} let's say over here is political correctness...

RED GREEN: {nodding} All right...

KELLY COOK: {puts right hand on table} And this over here is political incorrectness...

RED GREEN: {nodding} Gotcha...

KELLY COOK: You're about... {pointing to wall on her right} ...beyond that wall over there. {Red stares at wall} Okay? Mr. Green, um, shouldn't you be writing this down?

RED GREEN: {shaking head} Well, actually, I– I can't read my writing very well. {blinks eyes}

KELLY COOK: Okay, well, it'll be in the next memo anyway.

RED GREEN: {nods} All right.

KELLY COOK: I'm also looking for some increased safety awareness on your, um, hobby fix-it thing. {Red nods} A man like you holding a power tool is not a comforting image for our audience.

RED GREEN: {shaking head} Well, I was just having a little fun, you know.

KELLY COOK: You're too old to be having fun, Mr. Green. {Red nods} Oh, and one more thing, there seems to be this grayish silvery tape...

RED GREEN: {nodding eagerly} Yeah...

KELLY COOK: ...all over everything on your show.

RED GREEN: {still nodding} Yeah.

KELLY COOK: {giggles} Yeah. {seriously} It's disgusting. {Red sobers up} If you need us to fire some of your technical people, we will.

RED GREEN: {nods} Okay, okay, so no duct tape, no Handyman Corners, no lodge?

KELLY COOK: Perfect.

RED GREEN: Well, that shouldn't be a problem.

KELLY COOK: Great.

RED GREEN: {standing up} Say, have you seen that hip-hop mosh rap jam thing with the Britney Spears over on channel 97?

KELLY COOK: {excited} No way!

RED GREEN: Yeah!

KELLY COOK: What time is that on? {reaches out to get a piece of paper}

RED GREEN: Well, it's– it's on in my time slot! They're running against my show!

KELLY COOK: Oh, and when is that again?

RED GREEN: At 20:30, Friday night.

KELLY COOK: {writing in paper} Excellent. That sounds excellent. {Red turns and leaves, shaking his head}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

''{The camera pulls back to reveal Winston standing behind the card table where Red and Mike are seated. Winston holds the word sign in his hands.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Today's prize is from Mercury Creek Bait and Tackle. {reaches one hand under table} It's a complete ice-fishing kit! {whips up a handsaw, proudly shows it off, then sets it on table} And playing for this much-sought-after prize, {gestures toward Mike} Mr. Mike Hamar! {Mike makes excited gesticulations with arms} Close your... {Mike covers his ears} Okay, Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mike to say this word. {turns sign around to show audience; word is...} Buy. Buy.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {sets sign down} Bye-bye! {Mike uncovers his ears} And go!

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, when one of your dads would leave home to go to work, you'd say, "Good..."

MIKE HAMAR: "...riddance."

RED GREEN: Okay, in the Olympics, when a competitor is automatically put into the finals, the officials say they got a...

MIKE HAMAR: ...bribe?

RED GREEN: {thinks for a minute; struggles for words} Okay, okay, now, think about this. There are people who can be intimate with both men and women. All right? And we say they are blank-sexual.

MIKE HAMAR: {stares} Very.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {pointing to watch} Runnin' out of time, runnin' out of time!

RED GREEN: Alright, alright. Alright, Mike, if you see something for sale in a store, and it's cheaper than it should be, you say, "That's a real..."

MIKE HAMAR: {smiles} "...steal!"

RED GREEN: {holding out hand} No! {waves hand} You don't steal it, all right? What do you do? What do you do?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I pretend I forgot the thing was in my pocket. {shrugs} Sometimes the cops buy it.

RED GREEN: {lunging at bell on table} There we go!

''{Red rapidly rings the bell to end the game, while Winston excitedly points at Mike and hands him the handsaw. Mike makes excited gesticulations again as he takes the saw and examines it.}''

Segue: Winston Rothschild
{Winston stands in front of his truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Hi, Winston Rothschild of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. If you're down in the dumps, 'cause your lawn is full of lumps, call me, Winston, and I'll be there with my pumps.

{Winston holds up his business card.}

Handyman Corner
''{Red walks along a grassy area outside the lodge. He is wearing a coat and carrying a pair of water skis.}''

RED GREEN: You know, one of the major challenges that faces any handyman is, how can you have some of the luxuries in life that you know you really can't afford? Like, say, a snowmobile?

''{Red walks up to a worktable. A bunch of artificial logs and several rolls of duct tape are stacked on it and a hot water heater and a toboggan are seen leaning against it. Red puts the water skis on the table.}''

RED GREEN: Well, you know the beauty and value of a snowmobile, but {waves hand with uncertainty} maybe your wife is a little reluctant to let you spend money on anything until you finish paying off that hovercraft. So this time on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you how you can make your own darn snowmobile {gestures toward everything on the table} out of some water skis, a toboggan, a few artificial fireplace logs and a hot water heater. {lifts up heater onto table} This here is really the engine for the unit. {pushes heater onto center of table} It's a rocket engine. It's a steam rocket engine. {finishes pushing heater onto table} I went with 50-gallon. You could go 60, but that would just be showing off. {picks up pickax leaning against table} Okay, first thing you wanna do is, {gestures toward bottom of heater} punch a hole in the end of her here. {gestures near top of heater} Somewhere up high. This is your steam port, eh? That's where the steam's gonna come out. So you gotta make the hole high, otherwise the water will all leak out. {aims pickax at heater} Right up in here.

''{Red swings the pickax at the heater. But he accidentally hits at a low point and the pickax punctures the heater there. Red then takes out the pickax and looks at the newly-punched hole.}''

RED GREEN: {frustrated} Aw, man! {suddenly brightens up} Now, wait now! {runs around to other side of worktable} I got an idea! {picks up toboggan} Handyman never panics. A problem is just an opportunity waiting to happen.

''{Red uses the toboggan to push all the stuff on the worktable off of it and on the ground. He then sets the toboggan down on the table.}''

RED GREEN: Just lay that in there... Make a little adjustment...

''{Red rolls the hot water heater across the table so that it sits on top of the toboggan, with the new hole now up near the top. Red then looks at the camera with a satisfied expression.}''

RED GREEN: Perfect. {walks around in front of heater on top of toboggan} Alright now, you want to attach the power plant to the toboggan, and you want to have something that'll hold everything together, plus be able to withstand the shock of a ski jump or perhaps the insensitive comments of neighbors. {bends down and picks up a roll of duct tape off the ground} I recommend the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Red starts to unroll some duct tape and put it on the heater. Wipe to a later scene. The heater has been duct-taped to the toboggan, as well as had some of the fire logs duct-taped to the sides of the toboggan and to the underbelly of the heater.}''

RED GREEN: All right, these artificial logs are basically my rocket fuel. Yeah. They burn for six hours, you know, so it'll get me all the way to Port Asbestos and back. If I was going only one way, I'd cut 'em in half. {drops duct tape and wipes hands together} I like using the artificial logs, though, because, uh, they light up, no problem, and they give off those colored flames. A lot easier for the rescue planes to spot. Okay, that's the power plant done on her. {taps power plant} And this baby'll go faster than a teenager's allowance. Now all we gotta do is add the steering, {bends down and picks up a water ski} which is basically me {gestures toward front of front} sitting on the front, wearing a pair of water skis. Is that brilliant or what? {chuckles} You know, it's that simplicity that makes me what I am.

''{Red tries to put on the water ski. He lifts up his foot to try and put it in there. He hops around trying to put it on. In doing so, he accidentally steps on a pile of duct tape and sends them flying. Wipe to a later scene. Red, now wearing the water skis, has lit some of the logs on fire with an acetylene torch. He then shuffles over to the front of the snowmobile and sits down, straddling the heater as he does so. He braces himself in anticipation, but nothing happens. He looks behind himself to see what is happening. Wipe again. Red is still waiting for something to happen. Suddenly, he hears a sizzling sound as the heater gets hotter that causes him to jump up temporarily. He picks up a toolbox and sets it on the heater behind him. He then sits back down. Suddenly, steams starts spewing out of the punched hole in the back, making a tooting sound as it does so. Red braces for takeoff. Suddenly, the steam spews out in a rocket-like blast that propels the snowmobile forward, with Red sitting on it. The snowmobile leaves the camera.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Any guy who has waited in his car while his wife goes into a store just for a minute knows the difference between the ways men and women shop. See, a man is sorta like a planner: long before he goes to the store, he knows exactly what he wants and he knows exactly where to get it. The last thing he wants is to get stuck in some embarrassing corner of the store where they have underwear or curtains. 'Cause when a guy goes shopping, he wants to... he wants to look cool, you know, like the shopping experience is {waves dismissively} no stress to him whatsoever. His wife, however, tends to be a little looser. She'll go to a store with no idea what it is that she needs. She'll figure out what it is she desperately wants after she gets there. She's more open and she's more receptive. She's nicer. She'll read all the labels from six different kinds of toothpaste. She'll try every size-eight shoe in the store. She'll listen to the entire gastrointestinal history of the salesperson's dog. Centuries from now, I figure archaeologists are gonna uncover some guy still sitting in his car by the curb, waiting for his wife who went into the store just for a minute. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 2
''{Red enters the lodge with a look of disgust. His sleeves are rolled up and his hands are covered in meat bits.}''

RED GREEN: You know, I've met people who don't appreciate sausages. I never really understood why. They say to me, "Well, it's pigs' entrails stuffed with fatty meat and suet." And I say, "Yeah." {looks at his hands} But after what I've been through today, I'm starting to lose my enthusiasm for it, to be honest with ya.

''{Red looks at his hands again. Dalton then enters the lodge, wearing a stained apron and holding a really long sausage in his hand. He walks up to Red, looking frustrated.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Where did you go?

RED GREEN: Dalton, I didn't mind helping you stuff the thing, but when you tied that knot in the end, I thought I was gonna lose it!

DALTON HUMPHREY: You're not having second thoughts, are ya?

RED GREEN: {shaking head} I'm not having any thoughts.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, good. 'Cause if we want to beat those yahoos down at Caribou Lodge, we gotta get this down to the sausage carnival. Tonight's the cook-off!

RED GREEN: {looks at sausage} You're not putting that in my van, I'll tell ya that. We can't just drag it down there; we might snag a nail. We don't have a spare.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Maybe we could float it down over the lake. You know– You think the water would ruin the flavor?

RED GREEN: {looks at sausage again} Nothing would ruin that flavor... {holds up index finger} I got an idea! Take a coupla boat trailers, put 'em end to end behind the Possum Van, just lay the sausage right over the whole deal there.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, what if a cop stops us?

RED GREEN: Well, we'll tell them it's a biodegradable telephone pole.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {suddenly smiling} You know what you could say?

RED GREEN: What?

DALTON HUMPHREY: "I'll bet you never sausage (parody of "saw such") a thing."

''{Dalton laughs. Red glares at him and holds up an index finger at him warningly.}''

RED GREEN: ...Don't make me kill you, Dalton. {both turn and leave}

Visit With Dwight Cardiff
''{Red rows his boat up to a dock at Dwight's marina. Dwight sits on the dock.}''

RED GREEN: Dwight!

DWIGHT CARDIFF: How's it goin', Red?

RED GREEN: Cast me, will ya?

''{Red tosses out some rope to Dwight. It lands on the edge of the dock and Dwight puts his foot on it.}''

RED GREEN: Thanks for your help there, Dwight. {stands up in boat} Sorry for the inconvenience.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: I'm in the service business, Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, good. {gestures toward outboard motor} 'Cause this outboard you sold me isn't working.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: No reason to raise your voice, Red.

RED GREEN: Oh, that's right. You don't have to hear me over the sound of a motor or anything, do ya? It keeps cutting out on me, especially in the wet weather, and then of course, she rained last night over at the lodge. Did it rain here at all?

''{Dwight nods his head slowly. As he does so, bits of water fall off the brim of his hat and onto his shirt.}''

RED GREEN: Are you telling me you're too lazy to even get out of the rain?

DWIGHT CARDIFF: I prefer to call it "passive environmental interaction".

RED GREEN: Well, whatever you call it, {gestures toward outboard} I need you to fix this outboard that you sold me.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: How much did I sell it to you for?

RED GREEN: Seventy-five bucks.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: That was a good deal.

RED GREEN: You wanna buy it back?

DWIGHT CARDIFF: No chance.

RED GREEN: {shrugs} So what do we do now?

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Okay, I guess if you want to carry it up into the shop, I might try and take a look at it.

RED GREEN: {incredulously} You expect me {points to himself} to carry the motor {points to outboard again} that you sold me to the shop by myself?!

DWIGHT CARDIFF: {annoyed} Do you hear yourself, Red? It's all "me, me, me", like you are the center of the universe! And that tone! You sound like a heart attack just waiting to happen!

RED GREEN: {puts hands on hips} Well, you know, Dwight, I don't think anybody on the verge of a heart attack should be carrying an outboard by himself.

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Don't look at me. Heart disease runs in my family.

RED GREEN: Man! {bends down and hefts outboard off boat} Nothing runs in your family, Dwight. {carries outboard from boat} That's why they all have heart attacks. {climbs out of boat and onto dock, then starts walking off with outboard} How soon will you have this thing fixed, Dwight?

DWIGHT CARDIFF: Oh, hard to say. This is our busy time.

{Red walks off, carrying the outboard motor and shaking his head.}

Red's Handyman Tips
''{Red is trying to wash a car's hubcap with a bucket of water and a sponge. His sleeves are partially rolled up.}''

RED GREEN: You know, one of the hardest parts of washing a car is bending over and doing the wheels. {drops sponge into bucket} Here's a shortcut for ya. Soap 'em up real good. {picks up a bowl of horse meat off the car roof} Then get yourself a bowl of horse meat. This is one I bet on last week. {walks over to other side of a car, whose wheel is also soaped; a dog sits in front} You also need a friendly dog with a big, bushy tail.

''{Red puts the bowl of horse meat in front of the dog and pets it. He then gestures toward the bowl of meat, which the dog then starts to eat. Red chuckles. The dog's tail, meanwhile, sticks out and wags back and forth. As it does so, the tail also removes the soap and water from the wheel of the car. It even cleans inside the holes of the hubcap.}''

RED GREEN: Boy, now, if he only finds some way of rinsing off when he was done.

''{He then hears the sound of a lawn sprinkler and the dog barking as it runs through it. Red looks disappointed.}''

Plot Segment 3
''{Red and Dalton slowly enter the lodge. Dalton is covered in sausage meat, his face and hair all dirty. He holds a meat fork. He scratches his ear vigorously.}''

RED GREEN: We lost.

DALTON HUMPHREY: We're lucky to be alive.

RED GREEN: I don't know, that's too close to call.

DALTON HUMPHREY: What happened, exactly? It's all a blur. {blinks eyes}

RED GREEN: Well, do you remember how we laid the sausage out on all the grills and all those barbecues set up end to end?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, I remember that part, and I remember the smell of it cooking...

RED GREEN: Everybody in the tri-county area remembers the smell of it cooking. They thought the pulp mill had reopened. Remember how the pressure built up inside the sausage?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {nods slowly} Yeah. Yeah, it got real big, just like the Hindenburg.

RED GREEN: That's right. And you went and poked a hole in the end? {points to Dalton's fork} With that fork?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looks at fork, whose prongs are all twisted up} Oh, the humanity!

RED GREEN: {scratches neck} Apparently, we didn't get the interior of the sausage as sterile as it needs to be. Getting the methane buildup in there. Those of you in a college fraternity know that methane is flammable.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looking up and then at Red} I remember a hot blast of (?) air and then something went up like a firecracker.

RED GREEN: More of a cruise missile, I believe. {shakes head} We still don't know where it came down.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, it was lucky it arced over the crowd.

RED GREEN: {nods} Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Otherwise, people could've been seriously sausaged.

RED GREEN: {nods} Yeah, it was bad.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, it was the worst.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds out.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, it's meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, wiener boy. {Dalton leaves to go down into basement; to camera} So, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And it turns out that all those things you said about men and sausages are absolutely correct. {holds up hand; quickly} And let's just leave it there. And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, {waves} keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red turns and goes down into the lodge basement. Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Dalton, Mike and Winston are up at the front of the meeting, waving the other men to take their seats and sit down as Red comes down the stairs.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Sit down!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sit!

MIKE HAMAR: Sit down, everybody.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Sit down!

MIKE HAMAR: Everybody, sit down.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sit, sit, sit.

''{By now, Red has taken his place at the front of the meeting, between Dalton and Mike. Everyone else has sat down, while Red remains standing.}''

MIKE HAMAR: {getting up and waving in an upward motion} All rise!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {also getting up} All rise.

{Everyone else gets to their feet and puts their arms in front of their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits back down} All right, uh, bow your heads for the Man's Prayer.

{All the men bow their heads.}

EVERYONE: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

{Everyone raise their heads back up.}

RED GREEN: Okay, guys, I know you're all disappointed about the sausage carnival and so on, but, uh, Winston has a little bit of good news for us.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yeah, guys. Well, uh, as you know, our sausage didn't really impress the judges. But it scored a hit with Caribou Lodge. {holds up a "Caribou Lodge" sign} A direct hit!

{Everyone cheers and applauds.}