Town Services Contract/Transcript

The complete transcript for Town Services Contract

Opening Scene
{Red stands behind his worktable.}

RED GREEN: You know, a lot of guys try to make the cutoff shorts out of their old work pants.

{Red picks up a pair of pants cut into shorts, but with the leg lengths mismatched badly.}

RED GREEN: 'Course, the problem there is, getting the legs to be the same length. A lot of times, your tin snips or your pruning shears just aren't sharp enough to do a good clean job. Here's an idea...

{Red goes over to a table saw, with a sheet of plywood lying next to it.}

RED GREEN: Just take your old pants, {holds up plywood, with a pair of pants duct-taped to it} duct-tape them to a piece of scrap plywood, and then just let the table saw do the work.

''{Red turns on the saw. He then runs the board across it, cutting the wood and the pants in half. He then holds up his newly-shortened, perfectly-length-matched shorts.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The Red Green Show! And now, here's the man who's forgotten more than he'll ever remember, your host and hero, but he's my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks into the lodge and waves while the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Well, guess what? Possum Van got towed again! What kind of world is this where you can't even double-park in your own hometown?

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you're gonna have to remember to turn the Possum Van off. Your exhaust fumes killed that floral clock!

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, it doesn't matter, because none of the vehicles are ever gonna get towed again. {to audience} Listen to this: the town council has put out tenders, and Possum Lodge is gonna go after the towing contract there, 'cause we've put in the lowest bid. We're gonna get her! Yeah! Okay.

{Harold walks up closer to Red.}

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} You don't have a tow truck.

RED GREEN: Well, that's why our bid's so low, Harold. {Harold sways his head in frustration} See? We got no overhead.

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to his own head} You got no in-head!

RED GREEN: Stop!

HAROLD GREEN: I didn't–

RED GREEN: Stop!

HAROLD GREEN: What?

RED GREEN: Stop!

HAROLD GREEN: What?

The Possum Lodge Word Game
{Harold stands between Red and Ranger Gord at the card table.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today's grand prize is a pair of Chinese finger cuffs.

''{Harold looks down and sees both of his index fingers caught in a pair of finger cuffs. Shocked, he tries vainly to pull them apart, but the cuffs hold firm. The audience laughs.}''

HAROLD GREEN: When they WORK! Our special guest today is... {looks at Gord} Ranger Gord! Hello, Ranger Gord!

''{The audience applauds. Gord salutes them. Harold, with his fingers cuffed, awkwardly picks up the sign displaying the word in the game. Gord covers his ears.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you have 30 seconds to get Ranger Gord to say the following word. {awkwardly turns the sign around to display the word, which is "Forest"} "Forest". "Forest".

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {setting sign down} Okay. {steps back} Go! {Gord takes his fingers out of his ears}

RED GREEN: All right, Gord, fill in the blank here, okay? You can't see the something for the trees.

RANGER GORD: Oh, the bear.

RED GREEN: Not the bear, no.

RANGER GORD: Uh, the pull-out couch?

RED GREEN: No, Gord, now– now, pay attention, okay? You're one of these, okay? You are a blank ranger.

''{Pause. The audience laughs.}''

RANGER GORD: I've never been so insulted! {pause} Oh, oh! Uh, lonely?

RED GREEN: No, no, no.

RANGER GORD: Whew! Uh, sexy? {winks; clicks tongue}

HAROLD GREEN: You're almost out of time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: All right, um... {snaps fingers} Um, a bunch of trees!

RANGER GORD: Oh, a flock!

RED GREEN: No, no, you're thinking birds.

RANGER GORD: Oh, a quiver.

RED GREEN: No.

RANGER GORD: Oh, a gaggle! A gaggle! Trees travel in gaggles.

RED GREEN: Uh, Gord, trees don't travel in anything.

RANGER GORD: Oh, really?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: What about a logging truck?

{The audience laughs and applauds.}

RANGER GORD: I've seen a whole forest going down the highway.

RED GREEN: Hey! {rings the bell to end the game}

RANGER GORD: {stands up, alarmed} Fire! Fire!

HAROLD GREEN: No, it's okay, it's okay.

RANGER GORD: Oh.

Plot Segment 2
''{Red and Harold enter the Lodge. Red rubs his hands together.}''

RED GREEN: Well, I think that went well.

HAROLD GREEN: That's what you wanted?

RED GREEN: Well, we got the towing contract, didn't we, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you got a lot more than that.

RED GREEN: Well, that was their idea. I didn't realize all the town services came under the one contract, but... you know, we'll make it work.

HAROLD GREEN: So the fire services and the snowplowing and the emergency medical services doesn't scare you at all, huh?

RED GREEN: We'll figure it out, Harold. Anyway, y'know, nothing ever happens around here. {chuckles}

''{Suddenly, the phone rings. They both look at it, but neither of them answer it.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Well, what do you suppose that's for, huh? The tow truck we don't have, the fire truck we don't need, or the ambulance that doesn't exist? {goes over to answer phone}

RED GREEN: Oh, no, Harold! Harold, don't answer it! Don't answer!

HAROLD GREEN: I gotta pick it up! It might be an emergency! {picks up phone and talks into it} Hello?

RED GREEN: {rubbing his neck} I gotta get an unlisted number.

HAROLD GREEN: It's Moose Thompson's mother! Moose has got his head stuck in the fridge. {amused} You figure we should send the ambulance or the tow truck? {laughs}

RED GREEN: {laughing, pointing} No, no, Harold. Tell her to just knock the fridge up a notch, and once his head freezes, it'll shrink.

{Harold talks into the phone again.}

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}


 * Oh, when you wish upon a star,
 * Make sure it's not our own sun,
 * 'Cause wishing on our sun isn't much fun,
 * Unless your wish is to burn out your retinas.

Handyman Corner
{Red drives up to some small shacks in a car, past the Possum Van.}

RED GREEN: As we men get older, people start to pester us to exercise more. Most of us think we're already getting enough exercise with the equipment we've been using for years: a fork and a remote control. Personally, I don't want buns of steel. Steel rusts. And who wants fridge magnets all over their butt?

{Red stops the car next to the Handyman Corner sign.}

RED GREEN: Now, common sense tells me you're not gonna walk anywhere you can drive, so the car becomes the perfect place to exercise.

{Red opens the door, knocking over the sign in the process.}

RED GREEN: So this week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you how to turn your car into a total workout gym.

{Red reaches onto the dashboard and picks up two squeeze grips.}

RED GREEN: All right, first off, let's start with the grip, 'cause, y'know, a firm handshake will fool people into thinking you're in shape. Now, when I drive, a lot of the time, I have at least one hand on the wheel. So let's just attach the grip to the wheel, using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Red picks up a roll of duct tape and uses it to tape both grips to the steering wheel. Wipe to a later scene. The grips have been completely taped to the steering wheel.}''

RED GREEN: So all you have to do is, drive along there, squeezing on your exercise grips...

''{Red squeezes the grips, which somehow cause the car horn to honk. Red recoils his hands in surprise. Red squeezes the grips again, and again the horn honks.}''

RED GREEN: ...and the horn honks. Okay, no, that's good, because this way, you'll be able to exercise your biceps {squeezes grips to honk horn again; yelling over honking} AND YOUR TRICEPS, WAVING AT STRANGERS YOU'VE STARTLED!

''{Red waves. Wipe to a later scene. Red takes out some exercise pulleys and bungees from the back seat.}''

RED GREEN: Now, you see those exercise machines advertised on TV with the bungees and the pulleys, 'cause they're real interested in gettin' a smooth transaction with a valid credit card. Well, that's out of our league, so we're just gonna attach all this stuff around the driver's seat, {puts exercise bits in driver's seat; picks up roll of duct tape off roof} using the handyman's... well, you know.

''{Red leans into the driver's seat. Wipe to a later scene. Red has fully duct-taped the pulleys, with the bungee cords attached, to the car ceiling above the driver's seat.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now you hook your bungees under the driver's seat and take 'em up through the pulley like that. {tugs on bungees through pulleys} See, it's kinda like wearing suspenders. Rule of thumb: if your butt's up where your armpits should be, you've got too much tension on her.

''{Red pulls on the cord again. It slips out of his hand and snaps up against the pulley wheel. Wipe to a later scene. Red has attached shovel handles to the bungee cords.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, now these shovel handles make it easier to grip the end of the bungee, and probably keep you from losing an eye. {holds up shovel} Plus, when you're discussing your exercise program, a shovel can come in handy.

''{Red chuckles as he tosses the shovel aside. On landing, he hears the sound of someone yelling, "Hey!"}''

RED GREEN: {to whoever yelled "Hey!"} Well, you should be watching. {gets out of car} All right, now we need to exercise the largest and most-often used muscle of the body... {taps his stomach} this muscle right here. So we're gonna build a sit-up station into our total workout car, by carefully removing the back support of the seat. {looks at back of driver's seat} Alright, alright...

''{Red picks up a sledgehammer and uses to pound on the back of the driver's seat. The seat snaps forward. Wipe to a later scene. Red is seated in the driver's seat, holding the shovel-handle-tipped bungee cords.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I've loosened off the seat back now, so now I can do full sit-ups while I'm doing my arm exercises. All right, let's give her a test run.

''{Red leans way back in his seat, while he holds onto the bungee cords. With a grunt, he pulls down on the bungee cords and suddenly leans back up. He repeats the process a few more times, grunting each time. On the fourth process, he shouts, "Ninety-nine!" and then falls back on his seat. Wipe to a later scene. Red is stiff with pain, his upper body leaning over his lower body.}''

RED GREEN: {winded} Now you– That worked out perfect, didn't it? {slowly leans back up, creaking, grimacing} But you might wanna just kinda... work up to that slowly, small steps, over... fifty, sixty years. {stiffly walks over to back of car, taking very small, baby steps} But you know, I think we need to get our lower body feeling just as good as our upper body is feeling there, and so we're gonna modify the vehicle a little bit, to give our legs a bit of a workout. What I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna take the... {slowly picks up a jug of transmission fluid, creakily} ...transmission fluid here. {points down to left-rear wheel, which has no tire, only a brake shoe} Gonna pour it all over the... {slowly reaches down to brake shoe} ...brake shoes and brake drums, and... that way, when I put on the brakes, I really gotta horse her on there, you know? I have to use both feet. {bends down slowly to remove brake shoe} That'll be great for the quad there, and the... {groans in pain; removes shoe} and the pecs and the traps and the glutes... {picks up transmission fluid; taps rear end} ...and especially the insurance policy.

''{Red pours the fluid all over the brake. Wipe to a later scene. Red reattaches the brake shoe and the tire, no longer stiff with pain. He wipes his hands together in a satisfied way.}''

RED GREEN: All right, and that's got her. Now I can exercise while I'm driving. Like, say, down to the ice cream store. And I can even get that super-duper scooper cone without feeling the least bit guilty. {gets into car and starts it up} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {takes handles of bungees in his homemade exercise machine in his car} Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my workout.

''{Red suddenly takes off in the car, holding onto the bungee handles. Off-screen, the car crashes.}''

Midlife
RED GREEN: Sooner or later, some misguided relative is gonna buy you a giftbox of soap. And I'm not talking about useful, regular, natural soap. Oh, no, I'm talking about stuff like scruffing lotion, hydrolizing moisture gel, exfoliating cream... {cringes} Men don't need that. We have a very simple approach: if it's dirty, wash it; if it's hairy, clip it; if it's needs exfoliating, either call the plumber or your local clergyman. All right, now, maybe you want to get fancy, eh? You wanna maybe put on some aftershave, some deodorant, maybe a fresh pair of socks, but you gotta– you gotta ask yourself, "Who am I trying to impress?", okay? And if the answer is, my wife's best friend Chantel, your life's about to get way too complicated. So if you're thinking about getting fancy, here's a little tip: cleanliness is next to godliness, but scruffing is next to a heart attack in just this side of a divorce. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
''{Harold is seated inside the Lodge, at a telephone switchboard, topped by a red emergency light. Red enters the Lodge.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, we got the snowplow all figured out: we're gonna used Stinky Peterson's K-car.

HAROLD GREEN: {peeking over switchboard} K-car's not strong enough to be a plow.

RED GREEN: No, no, we're gonna use the K-car as the blade. We'll duct-tape it onto the front of Dougie's monster truck there. Now, for the ambulance, we're just gonna use the Possum Van.

HAROLD GREEN: What about a fire engine? You need a fire engine! Ah!

RED GREEN: Yeah, we're gonna– we're gonna use Winston's sewage truck.

''{The audience laughs. Harold looks puzzled.}''

HAROLD GREEN: ...Well, there goes the ozone layer.

''{Suddenly, the phone rings and the red emergency light spins fast. Harold springs to his feet.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, an emergency call! We got an emergency call! Oh, what're we gonna do?! What're we gonna do?!

RED GREEN: Well, try answering the phone. That'll be a good start there.

HAROLD GREEN: Excellent choice! Excellent choice! {feverishly puts on a phone headband} Oh, this is so exciting! This is great! {plugs in a phone cord and speaks into phone} Possum Lodge Emergency Center! Your disaster's our pleasure! Go! {listens a few seconds, then gets tense} Oh, my! Oh, boy!

RED GREEN: Harold, what's it for, Winston or Dougie? {Harold tries to shush him} Winston or Dougie?

HAROLD GREEN: {speaking into phone} Yeah, yeah? Okay, alright, no problem, just stay right there, we'll be there as fast as we can! Yeah, we'll be there in a blue van, and it's got a possum painted on the side of it, and– {pause} Yeah, I know, but it's all we have. {another pause} Well, I said that to him, but it's– Huh? Oh, yeah, okay, sorry! You wait right where you are, we'll be there as fast as we can! Okay? Bye, thanks for calling!

{Harold runs off toward the front door with his headband on and still plugged into the switchboard.}

HAROLD GREEN: C'mon, Uncle Red, we gotta go! Gotta go!

''{Suddenly, he gets stopped short by the cord attached to his headband. The cord unplugs, and Harold stumbles in shock and winces in pain. He grabs a hold of his uncle for support. He gets back on his feet.}''

HAROLD GREEN: She hung up. {Red nods} Time to fire up the ambulance, Uncle Red! C'mon, let's go! {runs toward the door}

RED GREEN: Now, Harold, now, you know I hate the sight of blood.

HAROLD GREEN: {stopping at front door and looks back at his uncle} Well, I hope you love the sight of babies, 'cause that's what she's havin'!

''{Harold opens the door and runs out. Red stays put. Harold then runs back in and grabs his uncle.}''

HAROLD GREEN: C'mon, c'mon! {escorts Red out}

New Member Night
''{Red is standing in the basement in front of a group of gathered Lodge members. Next to him are Dalton Humphrey and another man in a plaid shirt, suspenders and jeans.}''

RED GREEN: All right, settle down. As you know, this is New Member Night, and, uh, Dalton here has brought in a fella he'd like to present. Didn't have to get all dressed up for this, you know. All right, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, thank you very much, Red, and, uh, I would like to introduce you to my good friend, Sid Larson here, and I gotta tell ya, Sid is my kind of guy. {the men all groan} Now, c'mon, now, settle down now, stop that! Now, I am hopeful that, in time, Sid here could become my daughter's new boyfriend, you know? And as– as a first step, I'd like you to support me in getting Sid into the Lodge. As you well know, my daughter has terrible taste in men, so I'm thinking that Sid here's got a real shot at it. You know what I mean? {chuckles} 'Course, it's bound to be a big improvement. I'd like to say that her current boyfriend is between jobs, but, of course, she's never had one. On the other hand, Sid here's been running the weigh station at the outskirts of town for fifteen years! {to Sid} Y'know, uh, getting my daughter on that weigh scale might not be a bad idea, either, Sid, you know? {back to audience} Yes siree, my– my daughter has no concept to saving money. None at all. Sid here, on the other hand, is the cheapest man I've ever met! {laughs} Yes sir, hooking them two together's gonna be like the Clash of the Titans that most marriages could only dream about! So... {regains his composure} I'm asking you to support me in making him a member and doing me a favor, so... {bows his head} thank you very much.

RED GREEN: All those in favor? {nobody raises their hand}

DALTON HUMPHREY: By the way, the bank says as soon as Sid's a member, we get that lodge loan.

RED GREEN: Aye!

{Everyone raises their hand enthusiastically.}

RED GREEN: {shaking Sid's hand} Congratulations, Sid, welcome to the Lodge.

The Experts
{Harold, Red and Mike Hamar are sitting around a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show. This is the part of the show we like to examine those three little words that men find so hard to say: {gestures toward the audience}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Okay! Joining my uncle Red on this part of the show is his best friend in the whole wide room, {gestures toward Mike} Mr. Mike Hamar!

''{The audience cheers. Mike waves.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {picking up letter} Okay, uh, today's letter goes as follows: "Dear Experts–" {shows off Red and Mike} La-la-la! "–we'd like to make our house safe from intruders, but we can't afford an expensive alarm system, so we've wired our outside doorknob to the stove." {pauses; looks up} "We don't have intruders, but we've been electrocuted so many times, we've burned all the hair off our arms." {pauses again} "Any suggestions?"

RED GREEN: Uh, yeah, wear oven mitts.

HAROLD GREEN: I– I just think it's terrible we live in a society, y'know, where people break into other people's homes.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I resent that, Harold; I wasn't anywhere near the place. I was with, uh, Flinty McClintock.

RED GREEN: Uh, Mike, Flinty's out of town.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, see, there you go! I was out of town!

HAROLD GREEN: We're not accusing you, Mr. Hamar. We're just responding to the viewer's question about home security.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, right! {laughs; then seriously} Well, you know, I think that, uh, alarm systems and like that are really unnecessary, because, uh, people who are really nice, you know, nice people could get unnecessarily, accidentally hurt or something.

RED GREEN: Nice people like you, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, no, not like me, Mr. Green, 'cause I was out of town. But I'll tell this viewer something that one of my dads once told me.

HAROLD GREEN: One of your dads? Which one of your dads?

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, it was my Friday dad. Two weeks running! Uh, he once said, uh, "Do unto others before someone does it to you." He says that's in the Bible.

RED GREEN: Well, it's not in the King James version. Maybe the Jesse James version.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, all I know is that this dad was like a clergyman or something like that, because he played drums in a Judas Priest tribute band. And he always used to say, y'know, that, uh, people should follow "the Gold Card Rule".

HAROLD GREEN: No, I think he meant "the Golden Rule".

MIKE HAMAR: No, Harold, "the Gold Card Rule". If you wanna protect your stuff, don't leave home without it.

Plot Segment 4
''{Harold and Red enter the Lodge. Harold wears a sanitary mask and latex gloves. He removes the mask. Red walks in slowly and uneasily. He then stares straight ahead, zoning.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {overjoyed} THAT WAS SO FANTASTIC! THAT WAS AWESOME, WASN'T IT?! {laughs} The miracle of birth! It was a baby, and I was– I was in charge, I did it all! Oh, I guess the mother helped out a little bit, but, y'know, I WAS THERE! {to Red} And Uncle Red, thank you so much for not butting in and taking over. That was great.

RED GREEN: {zoning} No problem, Harold...

HAROLD GREEN: Okay! Did you see the birth?

RED GREEN: Not on purpose.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, boy, the head crown, the mother pushing...

RED GREEN: {interrupting, looking sick} Harold? Harold? We don't need to know the details, all right? Mother and son are doing fine, that's all that matters.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Uncle Red, that was a girl.

RED GREEN: {chuckles, smiling} No, no, no, that was definitely a boy.

HAROLD GREEN: No, you were looking at the umbilical cord.

RED GREEN: I'm so glad I'm a guy.

HAROLD GREEN: Me, too... {laughs nervously} I never wanna have to go through that again!

RED GREEN: Oh, well, Harold, you're not gonna have to. We have ripped up and canceled our entire service contract with the town council before anybody gets hurt.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow!

RED GREEN: Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: That is very mature of you. Have you told the town council?

RED GREEN: It was their idea.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, you go ahead, Dr. Strangeglove. I'll be down in a few minutes. I'm so glad I'm a guy, Harold!

''{Harold hurries to the back of the Lodge. Red then turns to the camera.}''

RED GREEN: If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I'm so glad I'm a guy. And I'm so glad you're not! And, uh... {to audience} To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red waves and heads to the back of the Lodge. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold, still wearing his surgical mask and gloves, takes his place at the front of the meeting. Red comes down the stairs.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, here he comes! Take your seats! You better sit down, because he likes when everybody sits down or something.

{Everyone sits down as Red takes his place at the front with Harold.}

HAROLD GREEN: You're all seated? All right. All rise.

{Everyone stands up and puts their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down.

''{Everyone sits, except for Harold, who remains standing. He holds up a clipboard}''

HAROLD GREEN: We just got a service vehicle, uh, report update: we no longer have any service vehicles. Well, it seems that Winston's fire engine was being towed by Dougie's monster truck when it got plowed by the snowplow and– and– and burst into flames. Now... But there is an upside to all this, because Dougie's brakes let go again, and the entire fireball rolled right into Possum Lake! Which is a win-win! It's a win-win, because the water put the fire out and the lake's up about a foot or so.