The Badger Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Hey are,

according to all

those teenage comedy films.

But when men get together,

they're just not comfortable

unless they have their pants on.

Don't know what it is.

Maybe they're ashamed

of their legs.

A lot of guys

won't even wear shorts.

But wherever you go

all over the world,

you'll find men treasure their

pants -- except in scotland.

But they have

a lot of booze there.

It's not smart or correct,

but it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

on today's show,

winston rothschild's here

with some of that sewage humor

that we all seem to enjoy

so darn much...

Bill's got a snake, which he's

apparently willing to share...

Dougie's gonna show off

his floss job...

And I'm gonna try

to fit into my pants

more than one leg at a time.

If mother nature ever had

a father,

this is the father

to that mother.

Please welcome

my father's brother

and my mother's

brother-in-law --

your friend and my uncle --

red green!

[ cheers and applause ]

whoo!

Thank you very much.

Thank you and please welcome

every father's nightmare --

my little mother of a nephew --

harold!

[ keyboard clacking ]

well, we had a real wingding

up the lodge last night,

and surveying the damage

this morning,

we must have had

a pretty good time.

And a lot of the guys

had hangovers,

but old man sedgwick

had a little something extra

to contend with.

I can't believe

he still drinks to excess.

He should start acting

his age.

If old man sedgwick acted

his age, he'd be 10 years dead.

Anyway, he woke up,

and he finds he's got

a live badger in his pants.

A badger?

What do you mean?

Like, one of those little,

nasty, hairy,

furry things with teeth?

Yeah, not unlike

old man sedgwick himself...

...Except for the teeth part.

We figure the badger

crawled in there to sleep.

Uncle red, badgers sleep

in holes in the ground.

How did one get in

old man sedgwick's bedroom?

Old man sedgwick was sleeping

in a hole in the ground.

When he woke up, he started

walking in towards the lodge,

and he noticed a lump

in his pants

that was twitching

and wiggling.

Almost everybody

guessed badger.

Now we got to

figure out a way

to get it out there

without startling him.

Boy, that must be

really frightening for him.

Yeah, and the same goes

for old man sedgwick.

[ grunting ]

you know, being isolated up

here, I really miss television.

I can't wait to see

what's happening

on "welcome back, kotter."

is horshack married yet?

I hope so.

[ clothesline squeaking ]

♪ oh ♪

♪ the twins

can sleep on the table ♪

uh-huh.

♪ and aunt helen can sleep

in the chair ♪

uh-huh.

♪ uncle toby just sucked down

my beer ♪

♪ so he can sleep anywhere ♪

as far as I'm --

♪ joyce is camped out

in the boathouse ♪

♪ prince has

the kitchen floor ♪

uh-huh.

♪ and that brand-new

little baby ♪

♪ is looking kind

of dangerous ♪

♪ so he can sleep

in the silverware drawer ♪

♪ now, my sisters can bunk in

with mom ♪

uh-huh.

♪ I'll sleep

in an orange crate ♪

oh, sure.

♪ fred and john

and bruce and lon ♪

♪ al and tom

and joe and don ♪

♪ can sleep in the car

and asphyxiate ♪

♪ it's okay to rent

a cottage ♪

♪ in the sunshine

down by the lake ♪

♪ but tellin' all your friends

and relatives ♪

♪ believe me,

is a big mistake ♪

[ tires screech, engine revs ]

well, you got to know,

she's gonna go nuts when

you tell her what you did.

Absolutely, and I got to take

my hat off to you.

I don't think

you've ever done anything

this stupid before.

You know, she was scrimping

and saving that money

for a special occasion.

Somehow I don't think

the occasion she had in mind

was you loaning that money

to your buddy

so he could go and pay for a new

cap and liner for his truck.

And you're gonna have to

tell her,

and you're gonna have to

tell her soon.

Bank statement

comes out every month.

Do it.

Do it quickly, because it's just

not the moment for you

to show you're the least bit

scared or indecisive.

Take her hands,

sit her down,

look her straight in the eye,

and...

Lie!

Lie.

Lie!

The biggest fib you can wrap

your lips around.

Hoo-ee! It's a lie!

Yeah.

Well, that'll buy you

a little bit of time, I guess.

Yeah, well, of course,

you know, the truth right now

would just cloud the issue.

You got to lie

through your teeth.

I would try something like,

"close friends of ours, hon --

"I don't want to say

their names --

"and they didn't even want me

to know,

"but I found out about it.

"and I just gave them

the money,

"just the way you would,

you know?

But they made me promise not

to tell you anything about it."

that's really good,

and it has

a sentimental twist, you know?

If you say

something like that,

she's gonna think

you are so sensitive.

But it'll only buy you time

for a little bit of time,

so you got to move fast.

Time for time, and time to go

and tell your buddy,

"hey, call that loan back."

get him to pay it back

quick.

That's right.

And say you'll never, never,

never do anything

this stupid or selfish

or underhanded again.

Unless, of course,

you can come up with

an even better and bigger lie.

[ quacking ]

welcome to "handyman corner,"

where everything old

is new again.

You know, old man sedgwick's

badger problem

has given me an idea

for an inexpensive animal trap.

All right, now, for starters,

you're gonna need one

of these hoses here,

which they use to connect from

the dryer to the outside vent.

And you're gonna need

the outside vent.

You're in luck, though.

Both of these things

are available

in most home laundry rooms.

I would suggest that you wait a

few minutes after the last load

and let the whole rig cool down,

because these things have a way

of building up

a certain amount of heat,

especially if you're doing,

say, a living-room rug

or your winter underwear in

there on the heavy-duty cycle.

All right. Now, the first thing

you got to do

is you got to cut the hose

in half,

which actually you can do

by biting.

[ chomp! ]

[ sproing! ]

uh, you may find

that there's a wire in there.

So, uh, I would suggest that to

avoid being permanently flossed,

you either use

somebody else's teeth

or maybe some snips

of some kind.

There we go.

All right, now.

If you got one of these welcome

mats out in front of your house,

get that out of there

before it does any more damage.

And you're gonna roll that up,

because that, in fact,

is gonna become the cage

to hold the trapped animals --

kind of the way welcome mats

are used at the homes

of life-insurance salesmen.

You know, you take your,

uh, outside-vent thing here.

You want to hook that up to one

of the halves of the dryer hose.

And the way

you can connect those --

it's kind of interesting.

They have these little

plastic hose snaps.

They're unbelievable things.

They just slide -- one piece

slides into the other.

You pull that up right there.

And, by golly, that is solid.

You just wrap that

around the hose.

All right?

Let's open that up a little bit.

[ sighs ]

[ grunts ]

all right. I'm thinking maybe

this is not the best way to,

uh, attach the whole unit

together, so -- no.

I decided to use the handyman's

secret weapon -- duct tape.

So there's our trap --

pretty much built.

But you can't just have it

sitting out in the woods

like that.

You got to be sneaky, like those

guys from the tax department.

So I decided to take a page

out of old man sedgwick's book,

hide the whole trap...

Inside a pair of pants.

There.

In there.

There we go.

There we go. There we go.

Come on, now.

Come on, old fella.

Let's go.

Let's go.

And the animals

aren't gonna be suspicious,

'cause a pair of pants lying

in the woods around possum lodge

is a pretty common sight.

Here we go.

However,

they are gonna need

some sort of

a culinary incentive

to come up the pant leg,

so I would suggest that you

swipe an hors d'oeuvre tray

from the next social function

your wife drags you over to

and pick one of these units up

and separate the toothpick

from the hors d'oeuvre itself.

Then you take the pant leg,

as I've done here,

and you stick the hors d'oeuvre

up inside,

and you push the toothpick

down through,

through the pant leg,

through the hose,

and into the hors d'oeuvre.

You do one of those

every few inches,

and the animal will work his way

all the way up

until you get

to the danger area,

which is the crotch

of the pants,

'cause that's where

the welcome mat cage is.

And you want to use men's pants

on this,

because if you happen to catch

an animal that you don't want,

you can just unzip the fly,

lift the welcome flap,

and let the little guy go,

like they did

in that movie "free willy."

so until next time, happy

hunting and remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Excuse me.

And speaking of traps, we're

like the von trapp family here.

Ranger gord's got a badger trap,

and bill's gonna make himself

a snake trap.

I want to talk to

you middle-age guys out there.

Have you heard any good

radio stations lately --

stations that play

good driving music?

Well, there aren't any.

It's all yakety-yak now.

News, talk shows, rap music.

Doesn't it make you wonder --

what happened to our music?

Where'd it go?

Where did the music

that defined our generation go?

Well, I know where it went,

and it's good news for a change.

Our music is all sitting

in the clearance bin

down at

the local hardware store.

You can zip down there

right now, pick out five,

maybe six tapes for the price

of one of them cd things.

And it's great music, with words

you can hear and understand --

words that tell a story

without a video,

where women sing songs

about men,

and men sing songs

about women...

And surfing and hot rods.

Now, I know it's depressing

to see the music of your life

stacked beside

the discount shampoo

and the two-for-one

light bulbs.

But on the bright side,

isn't it great

when the truly awarding things

in life

are geared

to a pensioner's income?

Remember -- I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ rattling ]

well, that badger is still up

old man sedgwick's pant leg.

Every time it twitches,

the old fella gets tickled

something fierce.

Can't you get it out?

Well, we tried, harold.

Do you think

we're just standing there

laughing at him,

not doing anything?

Well, you were

for the first hour.

I know, but then he offered

a reward

for anybody who can get

the badger out of his pants

without startling it

so that it turns on him.

So junior singleton threaded the

boat hook up his pant leg there

and kind of grabbed on,

tried to pull it out,

but all he got was

old man sedgwick's underwear.

Wrecked our best boat hook.

Oh! Oh! Uncle red!

Oh. I got an idea.

I would try to lure it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We did that, harold.

Buster hadfield

caught a female badger,

and he set that up just outside

of the left pant leg

of old man sedgwick.

The two of them started making

sounds to each other,

and all of a sudden,

the female runs right up

the right pant leg.

Whoo! Ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Now he's got, like,

two badgers up his pants?

Yes, and he isn't glad

to see us.

Boy, this has got to end

somehow.

Well, we'll run out of animals

eventually.

[ squish! ]

winston rothschild here

of rothschild sewage and septic

sucking services,

reminding you,

if you can't bank on your tank,

we'll take it from rank

to swank.

[ grunts ]

we're up here at fire tower 13

with ranger gord,

a man who has been

looking out over the forest

for a long, long time.

16 years on the job, red,

and not a single day off --

not one sick day,

not one vacation day,

and not one thank-you

from anyone, anywhere,

anytime -- ever.

Yeah. All right.

Fair enough.

Well, then, gord,

on behalf of everyone,

thank you for watching out

over the forest.

You're most welcome, red.

Well, all right.

That's fine.

You're very welcome.

No, that's fine.

That's fine.

[ crying ]

oh, that's fine.

That's fine.

That's fine.

All right.

Okay.

Today, in honor of

old man sedgwick's pants --

[ laughs ] --

I thought

I'd talk about badgers.

Now, I've got a badger over here

that I trapped last week.

I thought you might like to take

a look at him.

No kidding?

Yep.

Wow.

That's one.

Yeah.

Come on up, harold.

Now, a full-grown badger

can grow up to 2 feet long.

Oh, it looks like he gave you

the slip there, gord, huh?

Hello.

There he is -- right there.

I've named him tiger.

I-I don't think

that's a badger.

Yeah. Don't -- don't worry.

He won't hurt you.

No, no, I don't think

that's a badger at all.

Oh! Look at him!

Look at him!

Look at him trying to escape!

Look at him!

He's trying!

Is that fun or what, huh?

Hey, you know, I was thinking

of, uh,

starting a badger club,

letting you guys join,

and you could have all your

conventions up here, huh?

There we go.

There we go.

There's

what a badger looks like.

A badger?

Oh, yeah.

That's a badger right there.

Then I must have captured

a...

A wolverine!

Stand back!

Get back, harold.

Get back!

"potholes," by me.

"potholes, potholes everywhere,

"everywhere I go,

"in the ceiling up above

and in the floor below.

"it seems that I see potholes

everywhere I look.

My wife sure takes it badly when

you tell her she can't cook."

[ explosion ]

everybody, relax.

It's time

for "adventures with bill."

[ crack ]

[ shriek ]

what the heck is he doing today?

Oh, my gosh.

Look at the size of that thing.

Oh, boy.

Oh, and it's not --

bill, don't hurt it.

Don't hurt it.

Don't hurt --

bill, don't hurt --

don't hurt it.

Don't hurt it.

Don't hurt it.

Well, maybe he'll get

the lawn cut.

Oh, I see.

All right.

This is one of these interesting

snake-trap things that, uh...

They're not as dangerous

as they look.

What he does is,

he's got the board

up against the stool there,

and then you got that little

piece of eaves trough,

and you tie --

now, what happens is,

the snake comes up the board,

all right?

And he goes up, and he goes

into the piece of eaves trough,

and he crawls along in there.

One he gets past the rope,

his own weight will tip

the eaves trough,

and the whole snake

and the whole deal

will fall down

into the garbage can.

He can't get out of there,

and you got him.

Now, the trick is, you got

to put some kind of bait

in there for the snake --

something to attract --

no snake would go in --

there it is.

There's your snake bait.

And get him to go in there.

Now, to me, this looks like

a dozen large eggs.

But, then, they can't charge

15 bucks for a dozen large eggs,

can they?

Make that 11.

Make that 10.

Meanwhile,

we didn't notice this,

but, uh, the snake is on his way

up, so I just had --

I'll tell you, that snake bait

works, doesn't it?

We're trying to get one out of

there we can put into the pipe.

Meanwhile, the snake's

getting right up close

to the stool there,

and, uh, no, no.

I think bill's got one.

There we go. There we go.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

And he pushes the rope off,

and now we got the --

oh, my.

We got the sn--

I got the -- I got the --

I got the snake bait.

I almost called it an egg.

But bill picked up the snake,

thinking it was the rope.

And he tries to tie that

on there.

I don't know what kind of a knot

you can use with a snake.

I never went that bar in boy

scouts, but I do know one thing.

I wouldn't mess around --

bill, that's a snake.

Bill -- snake.

Aaah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No. No.

Don't want it. Don't want it.

Don't want it.

Where'd it go?

Where'd it go?

Where is it? Where'd it go?

Where'd it go?

Oh, there it is.

There it is.

The snake.

It's gone

to a warm, dark place, bill.

Wow. Look at that.

Some interesting moves

for a man his age.

Here's something

I've always wanted to do.

Go for it, red.

Stay tuned.

Winston's coming up

with his big hose...

And harold will be here,

doing what harold does best.

Well, things have gone

from bad to worse

with the badgers

in old man sedgwick's pants.

You mean they started to --

h-ha ha ha --

mate?

No, harold.

Well, that's our fault.

You know, when we sent

that female up there,

we thought the first one

was a male.

So now what we've got is two

female badgers in his pants

having a knock-'em-down,

drag-'em-out fight,

and old man sedgwick is, more

or less, caught in the middle.

Oh, boy, uncle red,

he must be going mental.

Wa-a-a!

Well, okay, more mental.

Well, he's not saying

too much,

but he is making the most

unusual facial expressions

I have ever seen.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Uh-ha-ha-ha-ha!

And I've seen some hummers,

trust me.

Anyway,

at this point,

old man sedgwick

is getting pretty upset.

Wow. He must really be

at the end of his rope.

Well, the badgers are at the end

of his everything.

[ grunting ]

here's a new joke

I just made up.

"knock, knock."

"who's there?"

"no one."

"no one who?"

"no one.

Just no one -- ever."

[ laughs ]

[ chainsaw buzzing ]

welcome to "the experts" portion

of the program.

Claiming to be an expert

this week, with my uncle red,

is mr. Dalton humphrey.

Our first letter

goes as follows --

it's from,

uh, portland, oregon.

Ha ha ha.

All right.

"dear experts, what would be

an appropriate gift

for my wife

on our 25th anniversary?"

well, I would recommend

an olympic medal for endurance.

It would have to be

a silver medal.

Wa-a-a!

Because the 25th-anniversary

is silver.

Wa-a-a!

Gold -- gold

is actually 50.

And then 60 is a diamond.

And 100, I believe,

is -- is kryptonite.

Yeah, I'd -- I'd --

I'd suggest a toaster.

A toaster, mr. Humphrey?

You'd celebrate, like,

a quarter century

of wedding bliss

with a toaster?

Well, I'm talking

a four-slicer.

You know, that seems

a tad chintzy to me, dalton.

You know, I think this gift's

got to be right up there

with the wedding ring.

You did get her a wedding ring,

didn't you, mr. Humphrey?

No, I couldn't.

No, no.

Money was tied up

in inventory.

Yep. The, uh, by-the-way motel

closed up,

and I bought

all their stoves,

washers, dryers,

and, uh, bar fridges.

So I, uh, gave anne-marie

a washer.

A washing machine is not

a very romantic wedding gift.

No, no, no, no.

A washer from a garden hose.

No, no.

I-I told her -- I said,

"anne-marie,

"this is just

an imitation rubber, uh, washer.

"it's old, and it's cracked,

"but, for now,

it's our wedding ring,

"and someday I'll get you

a proper one --

when I'm successful."

so, she's still waiting,

huh?

You know what I mean, though,

actually, um...

'cause you are such a success,

you know,

and -- and the humphrey

everything store

is doing so well.

Oh, yes.

Congrats. Yes.

Harold, I-I am a man of my word,

harold,

and on our 20th anniversary,

I got anne-marie

a brand-new washer.

Painted it gold --

everything.

And what did she say

to that?

Well, nothing.

No, it kind of surprised me,

too.

She just burst into tears

and ran upstairs.

Of course, women cry

when they're happy.

She doesn't sound too happy

to me

about this rubber-washer

wedding-ring thing.

Oh, no, no, she was.

The next day, she cleaned out

her bank account,

bought herself a brand-new car

to match it.

Then it was your turn

to burst into tears.

Well, men cry

when they're happy, right?

Wa-a-a!

We're here with entrepreneur

winston rothschild

to get his business advice

for the small businessman.

Now, winston, what's the best

way to get loyal customers?

Oh, honesty, red.

Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Total honesty

and complete sincerity.

Really?

No! Pbht!

[ both laugh ]

well,

you had me going there.

That was a good one.

Yeah.

No, actually,

what you want to do

is you want to pick up one of

them help-yourself books.

It's called "how to have

more of everything,"

by wally himmler,

and in there,

you'll learn the secret --

the "nietzsche" philosophy.

Oh, sure, nietzsche --

the german philosopher.

No, no. No, no.

"nietzsche."

like when you got

a particular "nietzsche,"

and you want to fill it.

Oh, no.

That's niche marketing.

N-niche?

Yeah.

I thought

it was "nietzsche."

no.

Oh, well.

I guess next time

I should get the audiotapes.

No, what it means is you got

to specialize, eh?

You got to add extra things

to your service --

you know, do things

that no one out there

is doing, you know?

I mean, if running a successful

sewage-sucking service

was as simple

as jumping down

some dark, stinky hole

with a hose,

everybody would be doing it,

wouldn't they?

Oh, yeah.

One giant leap for mankind.

Like, for instance,

I'm the only one in the area

who offers extra services,

eh?

Like, for instance,

did you know

that I will remove

dead animals

from your drainage system

free of charge?

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't believe

how many customers

find that attractive, eh?

Golly, now, I'm just thinking

here, uh, winston.

Have you ever removed a badger

from a drainage system --

say, from a pipe

the size of a pant leg?

Oh, that's nothing.

Are you kidding?

I once sucked a dead moose

out of a chemical toilet.

I built my reputation

on that one.

Sort of sticks

in people's minds, you know?

I think so. Yeah.

I'm wondering if maybe

you could take a detour

past old man sedgwick's

place.

I think he might have

a little job for you.

Oh, no problem.

You see, now,

that's how I get my jobs, eh?

I fill a niche.

No, this is more

of a nietzsche.

Well, we managed to get

old man sedgwick

safely away from those badgers.

He waited

until they fell asleep,

and he just slipped

the pants off.

Well, how did he do that

without disturbing them?

Well, they were in there

so long,

old man sedgwick

lost a lot of weight.

He went from skin and bone

to just bone.

Well, that's excellent,

'cause now the badgers

can assimilate themselves

back into the woods and join

the rest of the animal kingdom.

Could take a while,

harold.

The sight of old man sedgwick

with no pants on

pretty much cleared

the area of wildlife.

Well, of course, you know,

uncle red,

none of this would have

happened

if you were partying

responsibly.

[ screeching ]

oh, meeting time,

uncle red.

Yeah, you go ahead.

I'll be down

in a little while, harold.

Okay.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And after what happened

to old man sedgwick,

I think

maybe we should throw out

some of

my old bell-bottom pants.

I got a pair there

that a rhino could get into.

Hey, there's an idea.

We'll give them to your sister.

And the rest of you,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

thanks for watching.

Keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

listen up, people.

Stand up.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, now.

As many of you may know,

we've been challenged

to a field-hockey game.

To find out more about

possum lodge merchandise,

call 1-800-ypossum

or check out harold's home page

on the internet,

www.Redgreen.Com.