Guinness World Records

Red and the guys try to find creative ways to get into the Guinness Book of World Records.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Harold at the Office, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Talking Animals, Adventures With Bill, Famous People In Possum Lake History

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 4; The Red Green Show – 1999 Season

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: You know, people wonder how we develop the ideas. We have writers around the table, but it takes an unusual kind of writer to write for this show, because you have to have some kind of mechanical sense or engineering background. A brain doesn't hurt, either. And for this handyman tip in the show, the snow blocker thing, somebody had the idea that, you know, the snowplow goes by, puts snow back in your driveway, you had to have some way of– some device that would block the snowplow from putting snow in your driveway. So anyway, we all thought it was a good idea. But, uh, it was like a high level meeting at NASA, the bunch of us trying to figure out how could this mechanically work {moves one hand in a horizontal motion to his left} when you've got something going this way {flips his other hand} and try to make something go that way. And we made little models and drew pictures and everything. About an hour later, somebody wrote it up, and I was convinced that, okay, it'll work, and we shot it. {puts his hands on his head} And then I saw it, and you're gonna see it in this show, and it's... I'm still not sure that that works anywhere, even in a person's imagination. But... Doesn't matter, we did another show after it anyway.

Transcript
{Red is walking along in the snow, dressed in a jacket, snow boots and wearing skunk-pelt mittens.}

RED GREEN: Here's a way to get back at that darn snowplow driver. He always waits 'til you've shoveled out your whole driveway before he comes roaring down the street and fills you all back in. Well, no more.

''{Red gestures to a structure in the snow consisting of two oil drums and a sheet of plywood lying flat on the snow. A rope is attached between one corner of the plywood and a loop at the end of a post sticking out of one of the drums. The other end of the rope is attached to the end of a wood plank, such that the plank is hanging diagonally from the rope onto the ground.}''

RED GREEN: I call this the snow blocker. You get a barrel on each side of your driveway. You stick a post in one of the sides. Then you lay down a half a sheet of plywood on the road. Then you're gonna need about a... oh, about a ten-foot plank and a chunk of rope to tie the whole unit together.

{A snowplow approaches.}

RED GREEN: Oh, here comes the snowplow. Let's see this baby in action.

''{The snowplow runs over the plank, forcing it down to the ground. The sheet of plywood flips up vertically against the oil drums, and the snowplow drives past. The plywood then falls back to the ground once the plow is gone. Red wipes his mittens with a satisfied expression.}''

Intro
{Red walks into the Lodge, holding a rolled-up newspaper, and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Appreciate it. Lot of excitement up at the Lodge this week. {holds up newspaper} According to the story in the local paper, "The Possum Lake Daily Movement", y'know who's coming to town? The Guinness people! Y'know, the Guinness World Book of Records there? They're all comin' here and seein' if anybody in the Possum Lake area can, uh, set a record, but in a good way for a change. 'Course, all the Possum Lodge members want to get into the book, you know? So I'm saying to them, "Take something that you do now and just expand it to world-class proportions." Like, Moose Thompson's trying to go the longest without eating a salad. So far, he's up to 47 years.

''{Dalton and Winston enter the Lodge. Dalton is moving very carefully, wearing a toilet plunger on his head, on top of which he is balancing a plate. Winston is holding a record book in one hand and sipping from a coffee cup in the other.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: What do you think, Red? Ever seen anyone do this?

RED GREEN: Not sober.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Don't you be snarky, just 'cause you've never tried anything like this.

RED GREEN: Well, if I ever did, I'd probably go with a new plunger. {to Winston} What about you, Winston? Uh, you goin' for a world record or anything?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {holding up the book} Oh, yeah, I plan on gettin' into this book, but in a much more subtle way.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, longest running good mood by anybody in the sewage business?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Nah. No, Red, I plan on drinking the most consecutive cups of coffee ever recorded in the history of coffee drinking. Yeah, I plan on consuming two cups an hour for sixteen hours a day, seven days a week.

RED GREEN: Wow!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yep. That's a staggering total of 224 cups of coffee in a row.

RED GREEN: Holy smoke. Y'know, it may not take you a whole week, 'cause after the third day, you won't have to stop for sleep!

{Winston nods.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: What about you, Red? Isn't there anything you can do to set a world record?

RED GREEN: {chuckling} Well, I could, but that's kind of... between Bernice and I. I'm pretty sure they don't have that category.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {glances at the record book} Oh, no, snoring's in here.

{Dalton and Winston turn to leave the Lodge.}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game! {walks over to a table where Red and Edgar Montrose are seated} Today, Edgar K.B. Montrose will be playing for this coupon, {holds up coupon} good for a week of old-fashioned fun at Camp Wedgie! {to Edgar} Okay, cover your ears now. {Edgar does nothing} Uh, Red, you've– Cover your– Cov– {waves dismissively} Forget about it. Red, you've got thirty seconds to get Edgar to say this word: {holds up the word sign} Game. Game.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {stepping back} And go!

RED GREEN: Uh, Edgar? Edgar! {Edgar looks over to Red and starts listening} This is something that's a whole lot of fun.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, blowing up abandoned motor homes.

RED GREEN: An expression: "The name of the..."

EDGAR MONTROSE: Arresting officer.

RED GREEN: This is something you do at parties.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, avoid eye contact.

RED GREEN: Sorry, sorry. This is something you play at parties.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Spin the grenade!

RED GREEN: Okay, you know, every year, we have the Possum Lodge picnic, and the mayor starts the competition by saying, "Let the somethings begin."

EDGAR MONTROSE: Lawsuits?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {pointing to his watch} Ten seconds, ten seconds!

RED GREEN: Edgar, what do hunters call birds and animals?

EDGAR MONTROSE: {dismissively} Entertainment!

RED GREEN: We're just not connecting here. Is it me or is it you?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, it's not us, Red, it's this dumb game.

RED GREEN: Hey! {starts ringing the bell while Winston hands Edgar the coupon}

Harold at the Office
{Harold is talking on the phone.}

HAROLD GREEN: {softly} Yes, I understand. Yes, it's all very hush-hush, I realize. {moves phone from one ear to the other} I know. I– all righty. What? Two o'clock is a good time. If I'm there, I'm there.

RED GREEN: {walking up behind Harold suddenly} What's goin' on, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {startled} What?! Nothing!

''{Harold accidentally knocks his desk papers everywhere and drops the phone. He feverishly picks it back up.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {on phone} Yes. Okay, bye, Dave. Joe! Joe! I said Joe! Yeah. No, you misheard me! {quickly hangs up and looks at Red} Hi, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Calling the C.I.A., Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {whispering} No, no! That was an invitation to have lunch with a headhunter!

RED GREEN: {loudly} What the heck's a headhunter?

HAROLD GREEN: {covering Red's mouth} Would you–!? A headhunter is a person whose job it is to lure employees away from their company and go work at another company. {eagerly} I might get an offer to work at a rival company! {releases Red}

RED GREEN: Oh, man, Harold! If we got companies fighting over guys like you, we're in big trouble!

{Red picks up an empty rolling chair from an empty office cubicle next to Harold's, pulls it over beside Harold and sits down.}

HAROLD GREEN: {rolls his eyes} I'm not going to go. I love working here! They always make me feel so special. It's a wonderful place.

RED GREEN: Right...

P.A. SYSTEM: Attention, please, {everyone in the office except Red stands at attention} employees of Multicorp, Inc. and its subsidiaries.

''{Harold motions for Red to stand. Red stands up, looking confused.}''

MAN'S VOICE ON P.A.: Today, a cherished employee, {the voice suddenly changes} –KOLOMPAR, EMILE, G. {sound of a phone being hung up, and the P.A. voice changes back to normal}– is –RETIRING– after –TWENTY-FIVE– {slight pause} years with the company. I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say to you, –KOLOMPAR, EMILE, G. {hang-up noise}– Thanks. That is all.

''{The office workers return to their work. Harold looks flustered.}''

HAROLD GREEN: You know, I might go talk to those headhunters just for a little while.

{Harold runs off and almost runs into a female coworker.}

Handyman Corner
''{Red walks along through an open field next to some woods. He holds some chains, some rope and some bungee cord.}''

RED GREEN: You know, I'm trying to make the show a little more sensitive, so I thought I'd talk about romance. I know some of you guys are starting to squirm, thinking, "Uh-oh, where are we going with this?" Well, don't worry. I've come up with a project that will not only put zing in your love life, it'll hone your fishing skills all at the same time. We're gonna make a backyard swing! Nothing says romance like a backyard swing for two. Well, at least nothing on my show. {walks up to a beat-up, torn-up car seat, lying next to both a stout tree and a power pole} Okay, first thing you need is a back seat out of a '71 Ford Maverick. That should bring back a few romantic memories right there. All right, to that, you add a hunk of chain and a little handyman ingenuity. Okay, first of all, you want to hang the seat {looks up at pole, which has some high-tension wire on it} from somethin' solid. Like that high-tension wire up there. Yeah, that'll work good.

{Red drops the cord and rope and winds up to throw the chain onto the wire.}

RED GREEN: Then just horse the chain up there... {does not throw chain up} Maybe I don't need that much zing in my love life.

''{Red drops the chain and picks up the rope. Wipe to a later scene. The car seat is now hanging from the rope like a real swing. Red is behind the seat-swing, hammering a tall steel rod into the ground with a sledgehammer.}''

RED GREEN: Now, the beauty of this swing is, we're not gonna have to push it back and forth. We're gonna be up there sittin' pretty, away from any of the land mines the dog might've left. Speakin' of the dog, {drops hammer} we're gonna need some way to power this unit. So what we're gonna do is... {holds up bungee cord which has been attached to the car seat} I've already hooked the bungee cord up to the bottom of the seat, {pulls the cord over to the rod} and I'll hook the other end to something firmly in the ground, like this stick. {attaches the cord to the rod behind the seat} All right, 'cause we want the thing to go to and fro, right? We've taken care of the fro. Now we gotta set up the to.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Another rope has been tied to the front of the seat.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, to move the swing forward, we need a source of smooth forward power, and for that, you need another piece of rope and a pulley of some kind.

''{Red follows the rope over to a car hubcap sticking out of the ground by another rod. Red attaches the rope to the hubcap.}''

RED GREEN: Now, if you're lucky, you already have the rear end of an old car stickin' out of your lawn somewhere. That's the sign of a true handyman. Nothing says creativity like a lawn full of rusty car parts. Unfortunately, it also says "shaky marriage".

{Red tugs on the rope, which causes the hubcap to rotate, which, in turn, causes the swing, attached to the rope to swing back and forth.}

RED GREEN: See how this works? No matter which way the rope is pulled, the swing moves forward smoothly. Now all we need to do, is to add power. {holds up a rolled-up rug taped together with duct tape to form a leg} I'm not talkin' horsepower, I'm talkin' dog power. The size of the dog is up to you, but Bernice and I have figured we need about 200 pounds of Rottweiler, 'cause I plan to do a fair bit of swingin'. {walks offscreen; a dog barks} Easy, boy, easy! Easy, easy! {dog growls} Let go of Daddy's leg! Let go! Let go of the leg! {pause} There.

''{The rope-and-pulley is activated by the rope being pulled. Red returns, the artificial leg now shredded.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now I'm gonna demonstrate how the whole thing works. I'm just gonna let him stop foaming for a minute.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is seated on the swing, holding a fishing rod with a chunk of steak attached to the hook.}''

RED GREEN: Well, now we're all set for many a romantic evening with your wife, your dog, and you can practice your casting for trout season. {holds fishing rod in a prone position} What could be more romantic than that? So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. 'Course, the trick is to snap the steak away from the dog before he gets it locked in his teeth.

''{Red casts the fishing line with the steak on it. The dog is heard offscreen barking and then makes a chomping noise as the steak supposedly gets to it. The dog then tugs on the line and pulls on the rope, causing the swing to swing. Red is panicked.}''

RED GREEN: Let go! Let go, boy! Easy, boy, easy! Let 'er go, let 'er go! Let 'er go!!

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to all you older guys out there for a minute. You know the expression, "Don't get mad, get even"? Sounds simple enough, doesn't it? But actually, the difference between getting mad and getting even is about 25 years. I don't just mean in prison time. I mean in age, 'cause when you're young, you get mad at everything: school, your parents, your team, your car, everybody else's car. You're spending all your time getting mad; you've got no time to get even. Then when you get older, you got the time to get even, you haven't got the energy to get mad. So here's what I say you do: you older guys, you've had the time gettin' mad. Now you should focus on getting even. Now, as you get older, eh, maybe some young punk flips you the bird for driving too slow. You can get even by going 100 miles with your left turn signal on. Oh, yeah. Or you can get even by ignoring concepts like "Do Not Enter" or "First Come, First Serve". {softly, to himself, looking away from the camera} Yeah, boy, that day's coming, too, isn't it? The bunch of us, we're all up there in years, and we show up at the buffet at the same time with the walkers and the oxygen tanks and the I.V. things... {normal voice, back to the camera} That's another way to get even, your mind drift, you know? I'll tell you, if you get old enough, you get even just by being alive. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all getting even together.

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the Lodge, holding the record book.}

RED GREEN: Trying to find some way of getting myself into this Guinness book of records without making any effort. I was hoping there's something I'm already doing that would qualify me. I was thinking, maybe, you know, "leader of the world's largest group of losers and wannabes," but I have to compete with all the political parties!

''{Dalton enters the Lodge, still moving very carefully, wearing the toilet plunger on his head, on top of which he is balancing a plate. Now, on top of the plate, he has added a bird's nest.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Any sign of the Guinness people, Red? Boy, my neck is killing me!

RED GREEN: {looking up at Dalton} Dalton, I think you've got a bird's nest up there!

DALTON HUMPHREY: I know. Can you tell me what kind of bird it is?

RED GREEN: I think it's a dodo bird. Oh, do you mean in the nest?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh... Well, we'll see who's laughing when my name's in the Guinness book of world records, and you're just a guy in a plaid shirt.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, when that bird gets finished with you, you'll be begging me for this plaid shirt.

{Winston enters, holding the cup of coffee and moving rather quickly.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {speaking very rapidly} Well, I guess it won't be long now, eh? Won't be long now! Later on today, maybe early next tomorrow morning! Y'know, the Guinness people'll be here, right? Won't be long! {takes a sip of coffee}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {shocked} How many cups of coffee have you had, Rainman?!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh! {pauses to think} Well, uh, forty... fifty-sev... Well, it's over 60, anyway! It's all the same. Boy, I'll tell you, strong coffee! Y'know, it is! But it's very good! Tasty, very tasty. Yeah. You get used to it, though, you get used it! {takes another sip}

RED GREEN: Y– you may want to cut back on the caffeine intake there, Winston. It's not worth wrecking your life just to get into the record book.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, no, no, no, I'm not wrecking my life at all! I'm not wrecking my life, Red. Gee, what do you think? Don't you worry your pretty little face about that. I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm helping my life. Because I'll tell you what, I'm getting a lot of things done! Sure, I've painted the house. Twice! Okay, first, I built the house, then I painted it!

''{Mike steps into the Lodge doorway and stands in it. He's hitting himself on the head with a fish.}''

MIKE HAMAR: C'mon, guys, the Guinness people are here! {counting the number of hits on his head} Two million, two million and one, two million and two, two million and three, two million and four...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {hurrying out the front door} I'm coming!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {heading towards the door} You comin', Red?

RED GREEN: No, you guys go ahead. I don't want them to think we're together.

MIKE HAMAR: {still hitting himself on the head} ...two million and nine, two million and ten, two million and eleven...

{Red turns towards the front door to follow them out.}

Talking Animals
''{Red and Ed are standing in the Lodge basement, next to something covered in a red cloth. Ed clearly looks ill at ease and stands several feet away from Red and the cloth.}''

RED GREEN: Welcome to "Talking Animals". We're here with, uh, local animal control officer Ed Frid; brought in something here... {looks at cloth} ...kinda special. {to Ed} C'mon up here.

{Ed nervously steps up closer to Red.}

ED FRID: {stammering} Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, okay, what we have here underneath this cloth, is a cage. A strong cage. A really strong cage. And, uh, inside the cage...

RED GREEN: Yeah?

ED FRID: ...is a weasel!

RED GREEN: Pardon me?

ED FRID: A weasel!

RED GREEN: Oh, great, a weasel! Okay, well, let's have a look at it.

ED FRID: {hands shaking} Okay, okay. Alright, I just gotta get the cloth off here.

''{Ed removes the cloth shakily and nervously. There is a large cage underneath it, with a black weasel inside on a pile of straw. The weasel twitches. Ed jumps back in panic.}''

ED FRID: Whoa, whoa!

RED GREEN: {looks closely at twitching weasel} Settle down. Easy, easy. Settle down. Settle down, settle down. Take it easy. Easy, boy, easy, easy.

ED FRID: {pointing at weasel} I wouldn't get too close to him, if I were you, Red!

RED GREEN: {waves Ed to come back} Oh, no, no, no, he's fine. C'mon, get him outta here, will ya? Let's have a look at him.

ED FRID: {returning} Oh, I got some pictures of him. Would that be okay?

RED GREEN: No, that's not okay, we wanna have a look. {to audience} Don't we? Don't we wanna see what he looks like? {the audience cheers}

ED FRID: {serious voice} Okay. I think I can do this safely. {holds up carrot} I'm just gonna offer this tasty carrot, 'cause he's probably hungry.

RED GREEN: {pointing} Hey, look. He bit right through his food dish there.

ED FRID: Hmm? {looks at where Red's pointing} Oh, yeah. You see, there's a lot of, um, jaw pressure in a weasel.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah?

ED FRID: {laughing as he opens cage lid} And, uh, they can bite right through a steel-toed boot! {serious voice} I know that now.

RED GREEN: Uh, you know, uh, Ed, maybe we should just leave him in there, okay? {to audience} What do you say? Are you people insisting that you have to see this thing?

''{The audience cheers again. Red shrugs.}''

RED GREEN: Sorry, Ed. The people have spoken. I'm sorry.

ED FRID: {nervously} It's okay, it's okay, it's alright, 'cause, see, once the weasel gets his teeth into this carrot, his jaws will lock, see? And he'll hold on indefinitely.

RED GREEN: Oh, all right.

ED FRID: Okay, here we go. {lowers hand holding carrot into cage} C'mon, little guy... Here we go...

RED GREEN: Looks hungry...

''{Ed lowers his other hand onto the weasel's body as he puts the carrot into its mouth. The weasel chomps down on the carrot and locks its teeth into it, taking Ed's finger with it. Ed panics.}''

ED FRID: Oh, oh, oh, oh! He's got me! Let go of me!

''{Ed removes his hand from the cage, taking the whole weasel with it. It twitches and shakes in his hand.}''

ED FRID: {to audience} There's the weasel! Are you happy?!

''{Ed shakes his arm around with the weasel on it. He thrusts it around the room, including in front of Red's face. Finally, he flings the weasel down into the cage, still with the weasel biting his finger. He slams the cage lid down on his arm. He yells. He finally tugs on his arm with all his might. At last the weasel lets go of his finger.}''

RED GREEN: {waving} Good night!

Famous People In Possum Lake History
{Red enters the room.}

RED GREEN: He was an oddball, that's for sure. He was even an oddball around here, and that's a challenge. Never knew his real name. We called him Brainy. Don't know why; it sure didn't suit him.

{Cut to a photograph of someone riding a tractor.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} As a kid, Brainy was kinda shy. He liked to hide behind tractors.

{Cut to another photograph of various bare-chested men.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} He got involved in sports, usually as a projectile in a game they called "Let's Toss Brainy".

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: Then, at the age of fourteen, Brainy Clogfield shocked the whole Possum Lake community when he ran off to join the circus.

{Cut to Hap Shaughnessy on his boat.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: But I thought circus life would be too rough for Brainy. I'd been a featured performer with Ringling Brothers. I would swallow a sword upside-down, while traversing the high wire, doing a headstand on a unicycle seat. Hardly anybody was doing that back then. I was also courting the bearded lady, but on our third date, she had a very upsetting surprise for me. So I broke it off. I never thought in my wildest dreams that Brainy could survive that environment.

{Cut to a photograph of a clown with three legs.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {voiceover} So when he turned out to be Slappo the Three-Legged Clown, nobody could believe it!

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: When Brainy realized that being a freak was a brilliant career move, it was a turning point in his life.

{Cut to a photograph of a mansion.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Pretty soon, he bought the old Strain Mansion and turned it into a museum of bizarre items that he'd collected during his travels as a circus clown.

{Cut to a photograph of two women and a shocked man.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Brainy fell out of public favor when he went just a little bit too far.

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: He made a display, which is all about the human reproduction system. He made it out of 700 pounds of cheddar cheese and the hydraulics off a front-end loader.

''{Cut to Ranger Gord in his watchtower. He is laying on the floor in a sleeping bag and holding a teddy bear.}''

RANGER GORD: You know, if it wasn't for Brainy Clogfield, I probably wouldn't be here. I remember my parents went to his exhibit on human reproduction, and boy, the penny must've dropped because that was the night that I was conceived. That, and my dad bought a front-end loader.

''{Gord gets out of the sleeping bag. Cut back to Red.}''

RED GREEN: There was a huge public outcry complaining about the exhibit. They said it was vulgar and obscene, and it was killing local cheese sales.

{Cut to a photograph of a leg on a chair.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Then one night, Brainy disappeared. Not even a note. Just his third leg lying on a chair.

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: Nobody ever saw Brainy after that. The police had nothing to go on. People had been staring at his third leg for so long, they forgot what his face looked like. The A.P.B. described him as a two-legged clown who cheats people, and there were just too many suspects.

Explanations

 * "APB" stands for "All-Points Bulletin", which is a general broadcast issued among law enforcement agencies.

Goofs

 * When Ed puts the weasel back in the cage, he slams the lid shut. But when the camera pulls back to reveal both Red and Ed in the shot, the lid is open again.

Real-World References

 * The two "Guinness" companies mentioned in this episode are the Guinness World Records and St. James's Gate Brewery, the makers of Guinness Draught.