The UFO/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold:

And now it's time

for the greatest show

in the history of television,

the program that appreciates

the medium

and is leading the way

in terms of content, look,

and sheer power.

Yes, it's "the red green show,"

starring the dynamic

and forceful man of action,

my uncle, and quite possibly,

the sexiest man alive,

red green...

Green...Green...Green...Green!

Thank you very much,

harold.

Thank you,

and welcome to the show.

Thanks for watching.

We got a real dynamic,

uh, show for you tonight --

uh, a lot of guests

and film clips

and, uh, what have you,

and, uh, all right, so...

[ yawns ] a real good show --

a good show.

[ laughs ]

don't do that.

Yeah, I...

Sorry. Uh, we were up

a bit late last night.

Uh, we were looking

for u.F.O.S --

you know, weird things

from outer space.

Speaking of which,

come on over here a minute,

harold.

Uh, harold is my nephew

and also the producer

and, uh, the director

of the show.

He's a real, uh,

jerk-of-all-trades.

Plus, I do this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

that takes us

into the next segment, you know,

in case this one's dragging

or something like that.

So, naturally, I, you know,

need all these buttons.

[ laughs ] I'm busy.

Yeah, well, so, anyhow,

uh, like I say,

we were watching for u.F.O.S.

We were having

a skinny-dip after dinner,

and we saw this huge thing

kind of go through the air.

And we thought at first

that it was moose thompson,

but, uh, this seemed to have

some intelligence to it.

Did it look

anything like this?

No, not at all.

Oh, well,

that eliminates that.

That eliminates what?

You finishing your story.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ we go out every Friday

drinking with the boys ♪

♪ we raise up a ruckus

and make lots of noise ♪

♪ break most of our... ♪

♪ we break... ♪

♪ most of our promises ♪

no.

♪ we break all our promises

and most of our toys ♪

♪ Friday-night drinking

with the boys ♪

yeah, nicer.

Yeah.

♪ drinkin'! ♪

♪ drinkin'

with the boys ♪

♪ drinkin'! ♪

♪ drinkin'

with the boys ♪

♪ 200 beers

each one of us destroys ♪

♪ I love to go drinkin' ♪

♪ drinkin' with the boys ♪

♪ too bad

they're all dead now ♪

this week, uh,

in the "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

how to, uh --

how to refinish furniture,

and it's kind of a new technique

that we're using here.

Now, ordinarily,

when, uh, I was gonna refinish,

say, a beautiful old chair

like this,

uh, I would take

just an ordinary dinner knife

and, uh, just kind of,

you know,

get that paint and what have you

off of there.

Um, the problem with that

is it -- it does, uh, create

the occasional blemish,

uh, on the furniture,

and it makes dinner taste funny.

Uh, now, the alternative

that most people go with

is some sort

of a chemical, uh, stripper.

Uh, don't ever say that

around old man sedgwick.

Uh, but we don't like to use

the chemicals

uh, up at the --

up at the lodge

because, uh, one time,

stinky peterson, uh,

stripped down the two-holer,

uh, and he hasn't been able to

think of anything that happened

between 1985 and 1987.

So, uh, what we like to use,

and I think the best way,

to take finish off old furniture

is one of those heat guns,

uh, which will cost you,

actually, up to about 40 bucks.

But we have a way around that.

Uh, I'm sure everybody

has a few hair dryers

lying around the house --

uh, you know,

one in the kids' room,

one in the daughter's room,

one in the wife's room,

maybe one in the grandmother's

room, and one in your own room.

Maybe you use them to dry

the baby's bottom or whatever.

Uh, what you do is you get

about six of these together,

and then you get an old,

broken-down, uh, hockey stick,

like this.

Oh. No, this is

actually a good hockey stick.

Well, I don't want to use

a good hockey stick for this.

[ thumping ]

there.

Okay, now, uh,

we got the hockey stick,

and, uh, what we do is,

uh, we attach the hair dryers,

uh, to the stick

using, uh, the handyman's

secret weapon...

...Duct tape.

All right, well,

we got her all set here,

and I got them all

kind of generally pointing

the same direction.

Now, a problem I could run into

is these are

about 1,500 watts' power each,

and we got six of them,

so there's, uh --

there's, uh, I guess, over 7,000

or 8,000 watts of power there,

which is too much for

your normal household circuit,

so, uh, what I done was

I took the fuse out,

and I replaced it

with a nickel --

works great

and only costs 5 cents.

So, anyway, uh,

we'll pick this baby up,

and we're ready to show you

how it works on the chair.

All right, do you want to hit

the power there?

[ hair dryers whirring ]

turn it down!

The chair, uh,

maybe doesn't need it

as much as the workbench.

We can use it on the workbench.

Well, you get the idea, so --

so, remember, until next time --

do you want to kill

the power? --

Until next time,

if you can't be a handsome man,

you can be a handyman

or -- or something like that.

[ whirring continues ]

uncle red will be right back

with his extraterrestrials.

Hey, wait a minute --

I have the same number of

terrestrials as anybody else.

You know, harold, I've met

some people over the years --

vegetarians.

You ever heard of them?

Yeah, they're people

who won't eat meat

unless it's, like,

grown in the ground.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, I hope this never happens

to you, harold.

Have you seen them?

They look like big green beans.

They're a little pale.

They're green.

They're not pale --

they're green.

Green?

Yeah.

I guess

there's a green pale,

so in that way,

you could say they're pale.

That's true.

[ laughs ]

I don't get that.

Okay.

But the saying is,

you are what you eat, all right?

Uh-oh.

Why do you think

we never have rump roast?

That explains a lot.

Oh, yeah.

The vegetarian thing, to me,

is -- it's an animal thing.

Rabbit?

Look out!

[ buzzing ]

be very calm.

They can smell fear.

[ sniffs ] so can I.

That's me.

I'm sorry.

I was a little more afraid

than he was.

See, if you were

a vegetarian,

we may not have had

that problem.

Well, if I was a vegetarian,

I would have ate him.

There's no meat

on a bug like that.

[ wind blowing ]

"it is winter, a time to pause.

"the driveway

is half shoveled out,

"but I lay down the shovel,

"and I pause

to enjoy this moment.

After all,

this is my first heart attack."

so, anyway, uh, like I was

saying about u.F.O. Sightings,

uh, a bunch of us

were having a late-night

skinny-dip last night,

and, uh, this u.F.O. Come down

about treetop level,

hovered there

for a little while,

then it took off

about a trillion miles an hour.

And it comes

rolling back down,

screeches to a halt,

but without the screech.

No way, uncle red.

These things always turn out

to be, like, swamp gas

or weather balloons

or cafeteria food.

There are aliens

and they exist, harold,

and they're watching us.

It's just

that the government

is keeping the whole thing

a big secret.

Well, so am I.

Uh, this here

is the first book I ever read.

It's three or four

years ago now.

It's, uh, "the wind in

the willows" by kenneth grahame.

Uh, there's nothing quite

as good as messing in boats --

I'm kind of paraphrasing --

either messing in them

or messing out of them,

but just messing around,

uh, with boats.

That's what -- that's what

kenneth grahame said.

My friend jimmy mcveigh is a --

he's a postal worker,

and he's been messing around

with this boat for a while.

And, actually, he's made, uh,

quite a mess of it, hasn't he?

Oh, here comes jimmy now.

How you doing, jim?

[ irish accent ] bloody hell!

Look at this.

Look at that, red!

God.

Another bloody

pair of pants ruined!

Oh. Oh.

I take my life in my hands

every time I go out

on this career.

I mean, I risk my life

for people like ed mcmahon --

bloody junk mail.

I could get rabies,

you know?

Boy, dogs hate posties,

don't they, jim?

Dogs?

That was no dog did that.

A man bit me --

bloody lunatic --

just because I was

a couple of weeks late

delivering

his pension check.

An old man?

It was.

Yeah, the senior citizens --

they go off their nut.

They're bonkers,

just because they didn't get

a letter from home

or from the grandchildren.

Why can't they pick up

the bloody telephone?

Let's forget that.

Let's talk about the boat.

That's a different thing.

Ah, now you're talking

my language.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, look at that.

[ gasps ]

this boat

is my salvation.

Yeah.

This is my relief in life.

Yeah.

My darling, my beauty.

Yeah, yeah.

I love her.

[ chuckles ]

this boat's, uh, like a wife

for you, isn't it, jim?

Red, this boat

is not like a wife.

This boat is here when

I come home every afternoon.

I mean, this boat did not

take off with the tv

and the vc-bloody-r.

No. No.

Oh, no, no.

This boat is my friend.

[ smooches ]

uh, you know, uh, jimmy,

kenneth grahame said

there's nothing more important

than messing about in boats,

and, well, this is for you.

Geez, thanks

very much, red.

No problem.

I think I could make

good use of this.

I need a 3/4-inch shim

for that motor in there.

No, no, no, no.

No, jimmy, this is an original,

autographed edition,

I mean, by the author.

Oh, I see. Well, I only need

to take it down to 3/4.

Jimmy, jimmy, jimmy.

This book's worth $270.

Well, that bloody motor

in there is worth $2,000!

You tell me

what's more important.

Here's 60 bucks' worth.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ dance ♪

♪ I'm up past the tundra

where the polar bears dance ♪

♪ I got snow in my face

and ice in my pants ♪

♪ I'm fishing the arctic

and I just had to phone ya ♪

♪ 'cause I caught

something big ♪

♪ double pneumonia ♪

[ laughs ]

oh, uncle red,

that is so weird.

I was just gonna read

from the viewer mail,

and every time,

you walk in.

For heaven's sakes.

That's weird, eh?

That's weird. That's so weird.

Anyway, here's a letter.

Okay, it says, "dear red,

I've been watching your show

"for a short time now,

but it seems longer.

"I really like when you do

features on winter activities.

"have you ever done anything

on snowmobiles?"

oh, you know that, uh, harold.

I certainly have.

I've ridden on them.

I've, uh, stood up on them.

I went into a couple of trees

on them.

I remember one time --

no, no, uncle red,

I think he means on the show.

Like, have you ever done

a segment on snowmobiles?

Oh.

Oh, well, yes.

Uh, yes, we have.

Uh, just last year there,

I was out fishing for walleye,

and I hooked

into a snowmobile,

uh, which had gone through

the ice the previous winter,

and I pulled it

right up into the boat.

Wow. You must have had

like a 1,000-pound test line.

Well, you know me.

Uh, and if any of the viewers

at home

wanted to try, uh, fishing

for snowmobiles,

what you do is you run

your line, uh, very deep,

uh, big hook, no bait,

and, uh, do your fishing

out in the center of the lake,

where the ice is the thinnest,

uh, in the winter.

Those things will give you

a heck of a fight --

a lot more than, say,

a car tire or, uh,

even an outboard motor.

Yeah. Oh, jeepers.

Now, that's fishing.

Well, I had a heck of a time

landing that, though.

Uh, you know, we used

a 9-foot dip net, lots of rope,

and I bet the boat

capsized 300, 400,

maybe 500 times

before we actually

got the unit in there.

Boy, that sounds like fun.

Well, it's not.

Well, let's move

to our next segment.

I had more to say

about the snowmobiles.

Yeah, I know.

Red: You know, one of the things

that you need to learn how to do

uh, when you're a woodsman

is to set a fire.

It's a source of heat,

a source of cooking,

and it's a source

of entertainment.

So, uh, bill is gonna show us

uh, how to build a fire

out in the woods.

He's got some paper there.

Actually,

he's got quite a bit --

quite a bit of stuff in --

in the old coveralls there.

You can get a heck of a lot into

those, uh -- those coveralls.

You got the bib there.

My god.

What is that?

Uh.

Oh, yeah,

he grabbed my wallet there,

and he's quite a kibitzer --

bill.

He's actually got more stuff,

uh, in the coveralls

than, uh, I even thought he --

but you get --

that's -- you get the --

well, there --

well, you're pretty well ready

to light it now, I think.

That's enough, bill, isn't it?

Bill? Bill?

All right, all right.

I guess he's planning

to do some cooking on this.

So, uh, anyway,

once he's got his fire all set,

it's a question of

what do you use to start it?

And those are matches there.

That's normal.

Or you could use --

I believe that's a lighter.

Magnifying glass --

all right, you know,

with the sun,

and focus that in

on there and, uh...

Well, he has a candle there,

and...

You know, I got to wonder what

bill's underwear is made out of.

Oh, this is interesting.

He had a cigarette light--

a cigarette lighter

out of the car.

We were kind of convinced --

it went down inside.

Oh, my god.

Uh, oh.

Well, you know, bill can really

move, uh, when he's motivated.

He was rocketing

through the trees, you know?

Now, here's something you

wouldn't normally think of --

using jumper cables,

uh, to start your fire.

Uh, what you do,

first of all, is...

[ clears throat ]

...Uh, hook it up to the battery

of your vehicle.

[ explosion ]

aaaaahhh!

You got to be careful with that.

Anyway, once they're hooked up

on that end,

you, uh, just hook the --

the cables right into the fire,

and I guess the spark --

the idea is the spark

will start this thing up.

[ electricity crackling ]

[ engine turns over ]

well, there she goes.

This is a gun that bill had.

They say you can actually use

a gun to start a fire.

[ gunshot ]

[ whistling ]

and there's dinner.

So, all in all,

it was a heck of a day --

super time.

[ wind blowing ]

"it is winter.

"in the snow,

the tracks of a rabbit,

"the tracks of the pheasant,

"the tracks of the deer,

the tracks of the fox.

"and they all stop

at the same spot --

where they were run over by

the tracks of the snowmobile."

uh, if any of you viewers,

uh, would like to make a comment

or have any questions

about what's about to happen,

uh, please call harold

at home --

not me and not the station.

Harold.

Okay, war -- whaa?

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

little boys and girls,

dogs, cats, and fish.

[ laughs ]

that's everybody.

[ rapping ]

♪ war -- what is it good for? ♪

♪ absolutely nothing, hunh! ♪

♪ war -- what is it good for? ♪

♪ absolutely nothing --

say it again, hunh! ♪

[ laughs ]

that's cool.

That's --

well, I got to tell you --

war -- war isn't good, right?

It's not.

It only blows things up.

And war -- it's not like

a john wayne movie or something,

because it's in color.

That's true.

You know, a great man once said,

"war sucks scissors."

and, ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

dogs, cats, and fish,

that great man was me.

[ laughs ]

war.

[ laughs ]

I know that a lot

of you, uh, teenagers

are pretty confused

about life these days --

don't know what to say

or what to do.

This is because of one thing --

your glands.

Right now, you see,

your glands are trying

to take over your body.

In some cases, your glands

are trying to take over the body

of a person

standing beside you.

And every one of your glands

is trying to tell you to do

something different, you know,

and you got to be careful

which gland you listen to,

because you can always tell

which gland is dominating

a person's behavior.

Uh, like with moose thompson,

it's his stomach.

Uh, stinky peterson --

well, what do you think?

So, now, there you are,

getting all panicky, thinking,

"so many glands,

so little time."

and I'm telling you,

just be patient.

Every gland will get its turn

eventually.

[ clears throat ]

why be in a hurry for a truss?

We'll be right back

with the exciting conclusion

of the story about the aliens.

I'll recalibrate my phaser,

just to be on the safe side.

Wa-a-a.

[ horn honks ]

harold, I want you

to think about trying something

this year in the winter --

camping.

Huh? We go out,

we just get a tent there,

and we go out

in 50, 60 below zero.

But don't the pegs

fall down in the snow?

Oh, yeah.

No, you don't need pegs.

No?

No, the tent --

you put the tent up, and it just

freezes right the way it is.

Oh, that's -- it's certainly

an interesting invitation.

Well, harold, it's an experience

you won't believe.

Have you done this

ever before?

Well, yeah,

yeah, I've seen it.

You've seen it?

Yeah, I saw it.

Like the igloos?

'cause I would go

in an igloo, but...

No.

No, you don't want to go

in an igloo,

'cause then you wake up

in the middle of the night,

and you start chewing

blubber.

Oh.

That'd be horrible, 'cause

I can barely reach my stomach.

Oh, it's closer

than you think.

Oh.

It doesn't have to be

a two-man tent, does it?

Uh, no, it's better

if it's a one-man tent.

For the both of us?

Yeah.

Well, then you keep

the heat in.

I don't know. Well, really,

I have to think about this.

Well, I'd like you

just to think about it.

I'm not asking

for a commitment.

I'm just saying that --

you know, picture yourself,

mid-January.

I'm a man of the '90s.

Commitment's hard.

Oh.

Jack!

Jack, come on up here!

I know

you're down there, jack!

What do you want?

If you're figuring on --

on trying to take away my cave

and all my supplies, well,

think again, because it's mine.

I have a receipt.

No, no, no, no.

It's just the guys

at the lodge

were, you know,

worried about you,

and your wife

is worried about you,

and your friend --

well, no, but at least your wife

is worried about you.

Don't worry about me, red.

I'm like a wildcat -- you know,

I have a-a fifth sense.

And I'll tell you

something --

pollution...

Terrorism, lawyers --

it's all breaking down, red.

Oh, yeah.

And while

the rest of the world

is sinking

in its own filth and decay,

I'm gonna be right here

in this cave, and I'm --

aaaah!

Jack, you okay?

[ echoing ] ahh.

Oh, my back.

Stupid banana peels.

Ugh.

Jack, did you hurt

yourself?

You okay down there?

I'm fine.

[ chuckles ]

so don't mess with me,

or I'll mess with you.

Aah! Aah! Oh!

Jack!

Jack, you okay?

No problem.

Oh!

I'm fine.

So...Red, what's new?

Well, uh, the guys at the lodge

are, you know, worried

that you were getting enough

to eat -- that's all.

Well, my --

my seeds came, red,

and my canned food

arrived.

Oh! Ohh!

I have enough canned food here

to survive for years,

stacks and stacks,

but you can't have any --

it's all for me.

And when I want

something to eat,

I just reach over

to my big stack of cans,

pull out some canned

gooseberries like this

or -- or some

fruit cocktail here.

[ clattering ]

aah! Aaah! Aaah!

Jack, you okay?

Ow. Ow.

And...Then...I eat it.

Well, red,

I'd love to visit,

but -- ohh! --

I have to practice my yoga.

Yeah, well, okay,

maybe we'll come back later

when you're feeling better,

you know?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm -- I'm fine.

All right.

I feel...Warm,

and everything

is peaceful and tingly.

Well, I don't

want to bother you

while you're meditating,

you know?

[ groans ]

so, anyway, the bunch of us,

as I say, were skinny-dipping,

and we saw this u.F.O. Thing.

And it came down,

and it was just like

out of the movie "e.T.,"

except it was smaller

and it didn't have

that great song.

But it landed in the woods

just behind the lodge,

so we just went

right over there,

and we didn't even stop to, you

know, get dressed or anything,

'cause we thought,

well, you know,

maybe they would be intimidated

by clothing

or possibly allergic to it.

So, anyway, we just,

all buck-naked, the bunch of us,

just, uh, whipped over there,

you know?

And -- and we also took

a gift -- uh, beer.

And, uh, we showed them

how to drink it.

And, uh, then they --

they just started to leave.

They got up and everything,

and we followed them.

We chased them

all through the forest

and even, actually,

up onto the main highway.

And we were running down there.

And the feet on the asphalt

is not a fun thing.

And, uh, just as we got

close to them,

they kind of shimmered

out of existence,

and the spaceship just rose

silently into the night sky.

And that's how come

the six of us

ended up, um, drunk

and stark naked

in the middle

of the main highway.

And you ask any one

of the bunch of us,

and you'll get exactly

the same story, word for word.

Anyway, my wife is watching.

Uh, I'll be home

just as soon as I finish

talking to my lawyer.

So...

Hey, on behalf of myself

and my nephew over there...

Harold.

...Harold --

I knew that --

and the whole bunch of us

up here at the lodge,

until next time, uh,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ indistinct conversation ]