The Owl Project

A rare Unicorn Owl is spotted near Possum Lodge, threatening a taxidermy shootout and any more hunting or fishing.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, Meet Your Member, Handyman Corner, Red's Advice To Teenagers, Harold's Announcements, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Male Call, Adventures With Bill, Red's Poetry

DVD: Red Green Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 2; Red Green – The Toddlin' Years

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: This show is from our fourth season. Uh, that year, we titled every show, "The Something Project". This one's called "The Owl Project". Don't really remember why we did that. I do remember, though, that every one started with me standing on a dock. And we shot these up in Muskoka, which is a cottage area north of Toronto. We shot them about 5:30 or six in the morning, so that's actually the sun coming up there, and, um... But the thing that struck me from this episode was the duck bl– the handyman duck blind thing. Uh, we actually used to shoot most of the "Handymans", if not all the "Handymans", in the studio, and when we wanted to do something with a car, we would bring the car in there. And it was just such a hassle, because not only does the car leak gas and oil and it's dangerous and everybody's insurance is void, but we were shooting in Hamilton, Ontario, and getting a car in was difficult, because you had to, y'know, go around corners and, I think, upstairs. No, no, no, just we did have to go around corners with that. And then, after we had done maybe five or six times, somebody suggested, "Why don't you shoot the car stuff outdoors?" It was probably a woman.

Intro
{Red stands fishing on a pier early in the morning.}

RED GREEN: One thing about guns that I find confusing is that most people – well, okay, mainly men – have a fascination with shooting. {the title "The Owl Project" is displayed} Guys who'd never kill anything, never even hurt anything, love the thrill of shooting at a target. Maybe when you spend your days working at a job where you don't seem to see any results from what you're doing, you start thinking that maybe the world would be exactly the same if you weren't here. I'll tell ya, that feeling goes away when you can stand fifty feet back with a gun in your hand and blow the hinges off your garage door. Or even better, your neighbor's garage door. There's instant gratification. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequence
''{The "The New Red Green Show" title sequence plays. Cut to Buzz standing next to his plane. He makes plane motions with his hand, having it pretend to fly straight up in the air and then pretend to have it dive-bomb and crash.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here are a few scenes from this week's episode, which is way better than...

''{Cut to Red seated in a car covered in paint, even on the windows. He opens the driver's side window, covered in paint and leans out.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...one of the ones we did a long time ago. We got all kinds of things we're gonna...

''{Cut to Red and Gord standing outside the latter's fire watchtower, next to a table with three paper bags on it. They talk to each other for a few seconds, then look offscreen at something, startled. They dive for cover under the table.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...build for ya and say to ya and fool around with ya. We got all kinds of, uh...

{Cut to Bill, wearing a basketball outfit and a new pair of sneakers, which he is pumping air into.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...things that happen, like, things like that...

{Cut to Red in the lodge dressed as a bear.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and other things, sort of like this.

Plot Segment 1
''{The camera pans through the lodge to Harold. The audience applauds.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And now here's the man who can't see the forest for the fleas, {gestures toward front door} my uncle, Red Green!

''{Red enters, waving to everyone. Harold applauds and howls.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much! Thank you, and here's the guy who sees the forest and then fleas, {points to Harold} my nephew, Harold.

''{Harold plays his switcher. A plane, looking like Buzz's, flies around the screen.}''

RED GREEN: Big stuff going on up here this week. The first annual Possum Lake taxidermy shootout.

HAROLD GREEN: {looks around; alarmed} You're gonna shoot a taxidermist?! {Red shakes his head} Oh! Oh, Uncle Red, are you gonna have it mounted? {cringes} Oh, no, no!

RED GREEN: {to Harold} No, Harold, wait. This is– This is a brilliant idea. {to camera} You know, what with hunting being kind of a controversial sport these days, {points behind} Artie Kay's taxidermy shop, boy, the business has just fallen off the table down there.

HAROLD GREEN: It always seems busy when I go buy.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Yeah, people just act that way when they see you coming, Harold. {back to camera} So Artie's got this idea where he's gonna charge people to go hunting for dead, wild, stuffed animals.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} What? {stammering} I mean– Well, okay– Well, where the– Well, where do the– Uh, if you had– {making motions} And they were– You know– Huh! If you thought that– {pauses} I don't understand a thing. {Red hangs his head in frustration} Can you explain?

RED GREEN: I'll try, Harold. Artie's gonna clean out the stuff out of his store. Y'know, unclaimed items and display models and old burned-out articles and that kind of thing. He's gonna prop the animals up all over the forest. And then you pay him a ten-dollar fee and you get to go out and hunt all the dead stuff, you know? I mean, sawdust-filled animals are always in season, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Hunting for what?

RED GREEN: Well, whatever he gets in the store: {holds up a hand and points to each finger on it} raccoons, otters, elephants, swordfish, an old couch, whatever you find. You track 'em down, you stare 'em in the glassy eyes and fire away! And first prize goes to the guy who shoots Thor, the mighty polar bear.

HAROLD GREEN: Thor? That mangy yellow lump that's been hanging in Artie's front window for the past twenty years?

RED GREEN: Yeah, it's just a big raccoon that he bleached.

HAROLD GREEN: {amused} And it's rancid! Just one bullet and POOF! It'll disintegrate!

RED GREEN: Yeah, but we can pretend that it's a mighty polar bear, Harold, the most dangerous animal on this planet. I mean, it's got the scariest smell I know. {Harold nods} And it'll just be neat just to kinda track it down like that. I really like the idea of shooting dead stuff, Harold. There's no tracking, no stalking, you don't have to be quiet, you don't have to claim 'em. I don't see a downside here.

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, with lodge members going after moldy, overstuffed, lifeless animals, it's gonna be harder than ever to tell the hunters from the hunted around here. {plays switcher}

Segue: Buzz Sherwood
''{Buzz stands on the dock next to his plane. He moves his hands around, making plane noises like a little kid. He raises this hand straight up in the air and then drops it straight down, imitating the plane diving and crashing.}''

BUZZ SHERWOOD: And... that's how I lost my pilot's license.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by banging two empty beer cans together.}

RED GREEN:


 * Ohhhhh...
 * I wish I'd been born a racehorse,
 * Because, I'll tell you, that sounds like a pretty good goal,
 * With a trainer and a ninety-pound jockey
 * Who would ride me for a minute or so.
 * Will I win the daily double,
 * The trifecta and the exacter?
 * 'Cause I know what a stud farm is,
 * And motivation would be a significant factor.

Meet Your Member
''{Red is seated in a chair in another area of the lodge. Next to him is Mike Hamar, who is seated backwards in another chair.}

RED GREEN: And now we've come to a segment of the show that I really enjoy, what I like to call "Meet Your Member".

MIKE HAMAR: Well, to be fair and honest, Mr. Green, I'm not really a member yet. I only applied a few days ago.

RED GREEN: Oh, that's right, you're still in your trial period.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, and I– I usually don't do too good at trials.

RED GREEN: Well, that's all behind you now. {to audience} Mike has, unfortunately, spent most of his adult life behind bars.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah. Plus, I leaned on a few.

RED GREEN: Well, I think it's been good for you, don't you? Being around the lodge, around the guys and so on?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, sure! I mean, being around you guys has been great, you know. I've been seeing the way you– you– you– you dress and, uh, hearing the way you talk and seeing what you made of yourself. I mean, that's convinced me, I've gotta get more education.

RED GREEN: {looks disappointed, then brightens up} Oh, so you're going back to school, are ya?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've got my eye on a business degree. I'm gonna take my thesis in, uh– in, uh, economics, and probably do a masters in, uh, international, uh, money lending.

RED GREEN: Wow!

MIKE HAMAR: As soon as I get my grade A. {smiles}

RED GREEN: {nods} Well, Mike, we've been watching you, and we think you deserve a little pat on the back here, so... {stands up} Mike... {reaches out hand to Mike} ...welcome to Possum Lodge.

MIKE HAMAR: {excited} Oh, really?!

RED GREEN: Yeah!

{The audience applauds.}

MIKE HAMAR: Boy! {they shake hands; laughs} I'm in?!

RED GREEN: Yeah!

MIKE HAMAR: I'm a member?!

RED GREEN: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati!

MIKE HAMAR: Aw, this is amazing! I've never belonged to nothing legal before.

RED GREEN: Oh, right, right.

MIKE HAMAR: You know what I'm gonna do, Mr. Green? I'm gonna save up my pay and I'm gonna change my {runs finger across chest} Satan tattoo into a possum.

RED GREEN: Well, that's great. And you know what else I got for you? In my wallet, I have your membership card for the Possum Lodge. {feels around in his pants}

MIKE HAMAR: Really?!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

MIKE HAMAR: Really?!

''{Mike then digs into his own pants and pulls out a wallet. He looks through it. He pulls out a card and looks at it.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, you did this for me?! Aw, gee, thanks, Mr. Green! {holds wallet out to Red, who takes it} What can I ever do for you? {proudly displays card}

RED GREEN: {looking at wallet} Well, you already re– returned that I guess I musta... accidentally dropped somewhere, right?

MIKE HAMAR: {perplexed} ...Sure. {looks uncertain}

Handyman Corner
{Red stands in his workshop in another area of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, I thought I would address one of the great ecological issues of our time: namely, the low trade-in value of used vehicles.

{The camera pulls back to reveal Red standing next to an old car.}

RED GREEN: How many times has it happened to you that you finally decided to bite the bullet and get yourself a new car? {makes driving motions with his hands} You drive down there in the old clunker, running on one cylinder, coughin' up smoke like a Jamaican barbecue, and you say to the salesman, "How much are you gonna allow me for it?", and he says, "Roughly zero." So you push the whole unit back home, and that's why we got so many of these sitting out in the backyards of everybody's houses all the way across North America. Well, I'm thinking, with this taxidermy shootout thing that we got going on, maybe we could turn this thing into a duck blind. Now, the first thing you have to do is you have to break the unit down into its components. {feels car} Which is actually not that hard to do, because these cars usually have a sweet spot... {feels door} Yeah, there we are. Right there. {lifts up a sledgehammer} Then you just hit her right at that area.

''{Red swings the sledgehammer at the car and hits it. The head of the car, the radiator grill, the headlights and the front bumper, all fall off the car. Then after a few seconds, the side of the car surrounding the left front tire falls off as well.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. Now you throw away anything that doesn't look like a duck blind. {shows off car with its pieces off} And then you reassemble all the duck blind-like components, using acetylene torch or bolts or rivets... {picks up several rolls of duct tape from off roof} Or the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has removed a car fender from the car, which is now an odd shape, with the side now in the front and the wheels now completely removed, among other things.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, that's the basic shape of it, but, uh, it's not exactly portable. So you should either have thought of that before you ripped the wheels off, or you can do what I'll do... {picks up a can of paint} Camouflage it!

''{Red takes the can of paint and dumps small splotches of paint over the car. Wipe to a later scene. The car-turned-duck-blind is now completely covered in paint. The roof also several duck decoys duct-taped to it.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, now, to me, this just screams ducks, huh? {puts down paint can; picks up rifle} That paint job makes it look like they've been flying over it for years. I added the decoys on top there for a little extra touch of credibility. If you don't have actual decoys, you could, uh, take some hood ornaments and put fur mitts on 'em. {opens car door; gets in} And you know, you leave the car battery hooked up, have your radio on or... {closes door} your defrosters running or... {rolls down window; leans his head out} your lights on for night huntin' or whatever. Oh, I know most of you will do your hunting out the windows, but sometimes, if the bugs get bad, you can roll up all the windows and still keep huntin'. Watch this.

''{Red sticks his rifle out the fuel door on the front of the car-turned-duck-blind. It sticks out slightly. Red leans his head out the window again.}''

RED GREEN: Necessity is the mother of an inventor, isn't it? And there's lots of things you can make like this: a bus shelter for the kids, a dog house, an impressive toboggan, a whitewater suicide machine. You're only limited by your own imagination and the laws in your area. To me, it makes a great duck blind. So remember, until next time, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{Red honks the car horn on the steering wheel. The horn makes a quacking sound like a duck.}''

Commercial bumper
''{Red stands in the woods, wearing a yellow rain slicker. He touches his tongue with his finger.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Comin' up, I got a comment...

''{Cut to Red in the lodge, holding a mounted fish. He looks toward Harold.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...on the teenagers, I shot my first trout...

{Cut to Bill jumping in the air and slam-dunking a basketball, first from the side, then from behind the basket.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and, uh, Bill's gonna do his impression of Kareem Abdul Dork.

Red's Advice To Teenagers
''{Red is seen in the woods outside the lodge in a yellow slicker. He uses a chainsaw to cut off the handle of an ax sticking into a tree.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, all right, all right, well, you know, teenagers have always been doing stupid stuff anyway, and... Actually, it seems every generation, uh, tries to push the envelope of idiocy. But this new game, I mean, they're not only pushing the envelope, they're lickin' it and cuttin' themselves on it. I'm talking about these kids now gettin' their bodies pierced. I was just starting to get my head around earrings on guys, and now they're punching holes in their eyebrows and their nose and their belly buttons and their who knows what all. I'm waiting to see a guy come down the street with a three-ring binder attached to his chest. {takes another ax next to a stump} What is the point of all this, anyway? Are these mooring rings so they can tie themselves to the school desk and learn more? I don't think so. I saw a girl, she had seven buttons on her tongue! Looked like a little meat vest. {sticks out his tongue and touches tip of it with finger} And that (?) over speed bumps. I'll tell ya, folks, I don't get it. We were taught that you grow up clean and honest, you be kind to your neighbor, and you try to end life's journey with the same number of holes you started with.

{Red starts chopping at the stump with the ax.}

Plot Segment 2
''{Red runs into the lodge excitedly. He holds something.}''

RED GREEN: Well, the first annual taxidermy shootout is well underway and we've already bagged a few trophies. Junior Singleton shot a stuffed weasel that was duct-taped to a tree. And Buster Hadfield, beauty! He nailed one them big bald eagles. It was stapled to the top of a telephone pole. We had a little set– a little setback there: Junior Singleton emptied a few rounds into a couple of bearskin rugs that were hanging on a clothesline, {waves hand} but that's just pure enthusiasm. {holds up what it is he holds: a trout mounted on a piece of wood} And, uh, I got this baby here. It was sittin' on top of a big oil drum down by the dock.

HAROLD GREEN: {amused} Like shooting fish on a barrel, huh? {laughs}

RED GREEN: Yeah. Trout are good huntin', aren't they, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. So Uncle Red, has anybody shot Thor yet?

RED GREEN: Oh, the polar bear. No. Old Man Sedgewick thought he saw him, but it was just Moose huntin' naked. {Harold stares at the camera} I'll tell ya, this hunting stuffed animals, I think, is gonna be the number one sport around here.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, not necessarily, Uncle Red. Someone has reported seeing a unicorn owl. {nods; laughs}

RED GREEN: {scratches neck} Yeah, I think– I think Artie stuck one up in the barn rafters with drywall screws.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no! No! This is like a real one, but it flew away! We haven't seen one of those around here in fifteen years! {giggles} They're supposed to be extinct!

RED GREEN: Yeah, I think Old Man Sedgewick bagged the last one with his breath.

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head} I don't know, Uncle Red, I think you guys should stop your hunting, just in case this rare bird gets hit accidentally.

RED GREEN: No. No, no, we'll just cancel out the bird part of the competition. Guys can still hunt the zebras and the ostriches and that big stuffed recliner that Artie made for his father-in-law.

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, Uncle Red, I find it very exciting, a unicorn owl right around here! Isn't that exciting? Right around here!

RED GREEN: Yeah... He's just passing through, right, Harold?

Harold's Announcements
''{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a clipboard.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {reading} "For sale: set of bagpipes. No longer plays music, but makes a great wineskin for six people at once".

Male Call
{Red and Harold are seated in two chairs in an isolated, somewhat darkened area of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: It's Male Call!

''{Harold picks up a large bell and rings it wildly and makes a howling noise. He then picks up a letter.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, uh... Oh, here's a letter from... {looks at letter} Phil Morton of Grande Prairie, Alberta. {looks at letter again, puzzled} Or– Or Bill Nerlin of Grant Price, Alabama. I... {Red, too, looks perplexed} Could be Dill Martin of Great Proud America, I don't...

RED GREEN: Bad handwriting, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at letter} It looks like Barb Wire, I don't know what.

RED GREEN: Must be a doctor.

HAROLD GREEN: Uh... {reads letter} "Dear Red–". Or is that "Death Bed"? I... {looks again} "Dead Bear".

RED GREEN: Yeah, probably "Dead Bear", yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: "Dead Bear"? Alright, okay. Uh... {reads some more} "I am your number-one fan." {rereads} Or– or– or "fur" or "fuzz", I don't... {continues to read} "I am your number-one fuzz. I never muss a simple epilogue. I have every epilogue of 'The Dead Bear Show' on type. My flavorite part of the snow is 'Handyman's Corneree'. My waif says her flavoline part of the proyam is 'Adrentures With Boil'. She rally licked the one where Boil built a hand glitter and tried to fry it. Kelp up the gourd walk and kelp your steak on the eyes." {Red stares as Harold struggles} "Your fried, Bleb." {stares again} Oh! "B.S., Bleach singe me up for the Bossum Lounge Far Clump."

RED GREEN: {with uncertainty} Okay, well, uh, thanks for rotting, Bleb. Very glad you employ the shaw. And I'll certainly tell Boil your waif really licked "Adrentures With Boil". {pauses} Drop us a line again sometime soup, and I'll get my nephew Herman here to singe you and your way up to the Bossum Lounge Far Clump.

Commercial bumper
''{Red is dressed as a bear, using a bear rug. He looks toward Harold with a look of sadness.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Comin' up, we got a fashion statement from me...

''{Cut to Red and Buzz out on the dock by the latter's plane. Buzz playfully reaches out to the camera, which falls over. Red tries to coax it back up.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and Buzz Sherwood kinda actin' like a tailor, taking Harold's inseam measurement.

Harold's Announcements 2
''{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a clipboard.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {reading} "For sale: '78 AMC Pacer. Engine seized up. Makes a perfect greenhouse".

Red's Poetry
''{The surrounding area is covered in snow. Red sits on a stump, wearing a heavy parka. He opens a book and reads from it.}''

RED GREEN: "Figure Skating" by me:


 * We're skating on the pond
 * And Moose Thompson does a triple axel,
 * Followed by a quadruple Lutz
 * And a triple toe loop.
 * That's what happens when you're on a breakaway
 * And you catch your toe on a frozen weasel.

Explanations

 * A stud farm is an establishment for selective breeding of livestock. The word "stud" comes from the Old English "stod", which means "herd of horses, place where horses are kept for breeding".

Trivia

 * This episode marks the first appearance of Mike Hamar.

Inside References

 * During Male Call, the letter sender makes a reference to a "hand glitter" that "Boil" tried to "fry". Most likely, if one deciphered the letter, the sender was most likely referring to the "Adventures With Bill" scene of Lake Regulations, where Bill makes a hang glider out of a pup tent.

Fast Forward

 * Mike would again be the subject of "Meet Your Member" in Damn You Emu.