Gun Powder Shakes/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold: We're rolling?

W-well, come on.

Next time, tell me or something.

I thought you guys

were professionals.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time again to welcome

the world's greatest woodsman --

well, okay, unless, of course,

you're counting fez parker,

but he's

the greatest storyteller

since will rogers died,

that's for sure.

And he's, like,

the world's best uncle.

N-n-no offense, uncle jerry.

But anyway, here he is --

the star of

"the red green show," red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you and welcome.

And thank you, harold,

for such a nice introduction.

Well, you know,

tv demands hype.

Well, I wouldn't say

I was the best storyteller

since will rogers died,

but I'm certainly glad

someone did.

But, you know,

it's easy to be a storyteller

up here at the lodge

'cause so many things

are happening all the time.

Like, yesterday,

moose thompson decided

he was gonna make

salt-and-pepper shakers

out of a couple

old shotgun shells.

That sure is a great story,

uncle red,

but let's just move on

to the next segment, okay?

Here we go.

Well, just a minute,

harold.

Back off on the electronic

hysterionics for a second.

I haven't finished

the story yet.

So, anyway, moose made

the salt-and-pepper shakers

out of the shotgun shells.

But somewhere between the

workshop and the dining room,

everything got

kind of mixed up.

Wow, you were right.

Sure was worth listening

to the whole thing.

That's way better.

That wasn't the end,

harold.

Well, there's no sense waiting

for the fat lady to sing here.

No offense, aunt mary.

Just that I can hear channels

changing all over the place --

click, click, click,

click, click, click.

Oh, yeah,

we're in a new segment.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ on a warm summer's day

when we're not after bass ♪

♪ we get out the van,

fill her up with gas ♪

♪ pull in behind a car

heading down the road ♪

♪ pull up so darn close,

you think we're being towed ♪

♪ tailgating,

tailgating ♪

♪ kind of looks like

the vehicles are mating ♪

♪ tailgating,

tailgating ♪

♪ just make sure

your brakes are okay ♪

in retrospect, that was

an oversight on our part.

Uh, this week

on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna go outside again

and show you how you can,

uh, fix a dent in your car.

Uh, how many times

have you dented your fender

or banged in your bumper

or what have you

over the last week?

Too many to count, I'm sure.

Uh, but you know,

uh, bodywork is pretty expensive

if you want it done half-decent.

And, uh, this week,

I'm gonna show you

how you can, uh, actually do

your own body repair

and how you can fix, uh,

a dent in your fender.

Now, you might say, "okay."

you might ask me, "how could I

fix a dent like this?"

[ sniffs ]

ah, well, there's...

There's no dent.

H-hang on.

Hang on.

[ engine turns over ]

[ clears throat ]

all right, uh, you might say,

"how can you fix a dent

like this?"

well, get yourself

a ball peen hammer,

which is, uh,

I guess a ball on one end,

and, uh, I guess

that's a peen on the other.

You open the trunk up.

And then you just gently tap --

try to tap out the dent

from the inside.

[ tapping ]

[ thumping ]

[ pounding ]

[ grunting ]

[ sniffs ]

uh, okay.

Actually, I may have gone

a little too far

hammering that out.

H-hang on. H-h-hang on.

Hang on. Hang on.

[ engine turns over ]

all right, that's, uh...

That's better.

Uh, now, we can just --

that's a little bit dented.

We can fill that up with...

We got the, uh --

this is, uh, a body filler --

bondo f-- body -- bondle --

bondle filter.

And we just put that on,

and we have fiberglass here

that we add on.

This is the applicator.

And, well, it's just something

that's not

all that difficult to do.

Ooh.

Ooh, that smells good.

Okay.

Just finish that up there,

and just...

Dry her off.

And now she's ready for, uh --

for the grinding.

I got a power grinder here,

and we just start her up

and then bring her right down

onto the metal itself.

[ grinder whirring ]

aah!

All right, well,

that's not perfect,

but it's certainly good enough

for our purposes.

We're now ready to prime,

put the primer coat

of paint on that.

We got to just shake that up

a little bit.

Slippery, slippery.

Just lay that on there.

You want a nice, even coat

of primer on there.

You don't have to worry about

the paint running or nothing.

Although,

if you're a real fussy guy,

you could put the car up

on its side.

Really works good.

[ coughs ]

try to see what you've done

so that you don't miss

any spots.

This color's good for that,

isn't it?

All right, uh...

You got her primed there.

Now you just wait for it to dry.

And then, uh, put on

the finished coat.

Okay, I pretty well emptied

the whole can into there.

Those drips will wear off.

And I think this, uh --

as it'll fade, it'll blend in.

Anyway, there you got it,

and you've done it all yourself.

A heck of a job, so, uh,

until next time, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ engine turns over ]

harold, harold,

harold, harold!

We'll be right back

with more woodsman lore,

special guests,

the salt-shaker story,

and our regular

"red green" features.

And some really cool

special effects.

Bonus!

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

[ thunder crashes ]

"it is spring.

"tadpoles swim

in a stagnant pond,

"surrounded by floating lilies

and water snakes.

"we are tempted

to destroy their world

"with men and equipment,

"to dry up the swamp

and kill the animals.

"but what the hell?

You don't go down the basement

that often anyway."

[ thunder crashes ]

well...

[ clears throat ]

as I was saying before I was

so rudely special-effected,

moose thompson decided to make

the shotgun-shell

salt-and-pepper shakers

when he come home

from the duck hunt

with a whole boatload of empty

shotgun shells and no duck.

But anyway,

we all kind of liked the idea

'cause, uh, shotgun shells

kind of go well with the decor

here at the lodge,

which is more or less

a woodsman's motif

under a layer of grime and fuzz,

or as we call him,

old man sedgwick.

Well, that's a really

interesting story, uncle red,

but I think, you know, a certain

cross-section of our audience

might find it, like --

wa-a-a! -- Boring.

Well, you know the way

cross-sections can be, you know?

And it's one

of the first things I learned

at tv-production school

is that tv is about showing

not talking, right?

That's the difference

between tv and radio.

Well, that and the pay.

Well, maybe I should bring

a couple of shotgun shells

out here.

We'd have to keep them away

from the hot lights, though.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We could do that.

Or I was thinking instead,

we could just, like, you know,

move right on

to something else,

and that would be best

for all parties.

What about my story?

What story is that?

I forgot.

Oh.

Well, while you're

trying to remember,

why don't you do one of those

neat segue things you do?

All right.

Here's something else.

Oh, I remember now --

it was the salt-and-pepper

shotgun-shell thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's right. Oh, boy.

I'm out here with, uh,

one of the greatest, uh,

monster trucks you're gonna see,

and I got the owner

here with me --

my good buddy

dougie franklin.

Dougie, this is some kind

of vehicle you got here.

You can say that again,

red.

You know, she does kind of

catch your attention, don't she?

I'll say.

Women, too.

Oh.

[ laughs ]

now, I'm not saying that

I got her to attract the women.

I'm not saying I did it

in that cheap fashion.

I got these pants

to attract the women.

But, uh, she is

just a humdinger.

You know, this -- it's like

a magnet, this vehicle.

It's like a magnet

to women.

They could be, you know,

a couple mile away

and just sense this thing

was there, and [whistles]

they'd be right up there,

just like a magnet and a bit

of steel filings or something.

Oh, for god's sake.

You have to beat them off

with a stick, I guess, eh, doug?

No, no, no.

Nothing that good, red.

Uh, but, uh, you know,

they talk to me,

and, you know, they say

you can tell a lot about a man

by the kind of car he drives.

Well, you know,

member of the opposite sex

sees me sitting up here

in this monster truck,

she understands,

I'll tell you that.

She understands.

Oh, yeah, and they, uh --

they kind of throw themselves

at you, I guess, eh, doug?

No, no,

nothing that good.

But, uh, they talk to me,

and, you know, so I tell them

about the tires, you know?

Oh, yeah.

I tell you, you set a woman

next to that much --

next to that much rubber,

boy, she gets a look

of rapture over her face.

I tell you,

they love that.

Of course, they like

to come up and sit in the cab,

and that worries me a mite

because, uh,

I don't like to have strangers

getting too close to

my instrument cluster, you know?

Mind you, if it's somebody

I know and I approve of,

my type of woman,

I don't mind her

sitting up there.

Oh, yeah?

What is your type of woman,

doug?

Well, red, I'll tell you --

she's got to be

between the ages of 15 and 55.

I have few demands,

but one of them is that

she have her own hair,

and it doesn't matter to me

if, you know,

there's some body parts courtesy

of modern science there.

I mean,

that's quite acceptable.

But, you know,

they just love to --

they love to get up here

in the cab on a nice hot day

and feel

my fun-fur seat covers.

They're out at the cleaner's

right now, actually,

but they just love that.

Golly, you know, doug,

it sounds to me like,

uh, this truck

has changed

your whole sex life, huh?

[ laughs ]

red.

You hit the nail

on the head there,

I'll tell you, my friend.

[ both laugh ]

[ coughing ]

well, that is great.

Dougie franklin -- ladies' man.

Way to go, dougie.

[ hacking ]

that's the last time

I'm touching that tuna salad.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ I'm not a malcontent

in any way ♪

♪ I don't believe in dreaming

your whole life away ♪

♪ but if I had one wish

for the good lord to grant ♪

♪ I'd wish to take a wet towel

to a nudist camp ♪

wa-a-a!

♪ smack! Smack! Smack! ♪

♪ oh, sorry,

I didn't see you there ♪

[ laughs ]

♪ drip! Drip! Drip! ♪

♪ they don't call it ice water

for nothing ♪

♪ slap! Foof! Aah! ♪

♪ you don't have to spend money

to have fun ♪

that's the truth in it,

harold.

Wa-a-a,

you said "nudist."

wa-a-a!

Oh, uncle red, excellent.

This is great.

It's answer

the letter time.

This is my favorite part

of the show, you know.

I love this part 'cause

it's an exchanging of ideas.

I love that aspect to it,

you know?

It's exhilarating to me.

I think it's just the best part

of the whole program.

Wa-a-a!

Just read the letter,

harold.

Oh, okay.

I'm just so excited.

This is such a great letter.

"dear red, I've seen your show

a few times now,

"and I force my children

to watch it

"unless they've been good.

"I enjoy the program but

think it would be a lot better

if it was more like

the old 'dick van dyke show.'"

well, all right, harold,

you know how happy we are

to get a letter of this type.

Uh, especially when it contains

a terrific suggestion like that.

You know, the, uh,

"dick van dyke" reference

is interesting.

We weren't really trying to do

exactly that kind of a show.

We were thinking

more along the lines

of, uh, "bewitched"

or "mister ed."

oh, wow.

Uncle red, I don't think

sarcasm's in order.

Nothing can be accomplished

with that.

The viewer

just had a suggestion.

I think it's valid.

That's what I think.

Wa-a-a!

Well, maybe I'm wrong,

harold.

Maybe what we should do is,

uh, get ourselves

a neighbor named millie,

and I'll get mary tyler moore

to run the bait shop, eh?

Then we can imitate

every other show on television.

Yeah, but, uncle red,

you're forgetting

that imitation is the

sincerest form of flatulence.

I don't care about that,

harold.

This is not

a situation comedy.

This is a magazine show

for sportsmen.

And women.

Yeah, well, that's fine.

That's fine.

I don't care about that.

I'm just saying

that I would rather be unique

and do my own kind of show

and, uh, not try to

imitate somebody else

just for the sake

of getting better ratings.

[ singsong voice ]

oh, rob!

Wa-a-a!

Mary tyler moore.

Sorry. Kidding.

Red: I always look forward

to "adventures with bill"

'cause you never know what he's

gonna pull out of his pants.

And this week it's, uh,

a couple of slingshots.

Uh, this is something that

we used to do when were kids.

Not gonna get into everything

we used to do when we were kids,

but they were kind of fun.

Just the feelings --

it was great, great.

Aah!

Uh, not so great

for bill, maybe.

Ohh!

Oh, boy.

I'll bet that smarts, huh?

Yeah, well, bill just did that

to show me things that can

go wrong with the slingshot.

Got himself a little target.

Watch your foot.

Oh, good.

Yeah, yeah.

So he's improving, isn't he?

Now he gives me a little, uh,

one of these rounded stones,

kind of a light stone thing.

And, uh, then we're

just gonna fire it off.

Kind of felt good.

It's fun. It's fun.

It's fun.

[ clears throat ]

bill had a couple of problems.

Eh, we both missed the target.

Oh, well.

Oh, oh.

No, he's got another one.

Yeah, yeah.

And a little more ammo.

I must admit,

I was having a good time,

just fire it up

into the air there.

Oh.

I've never seen anybody do that.

But, uh, that's bill.

I'm sure he's got, uh, you know,

a couple more slingshots

in his pants there.

This is kind of an unusual --

wait a --

bill, bill, bill, bill!

Right.

What else?

Oh, now this is a --

now, that is a major piece

of work, that one there.

And he had the ammo.

He wanted to shoot

the whole box in one go.

I mean, bill, come on now.

This is, uh -- we're into

the times of disarmament.

And the ammo --

these are actually steel balls,

and, uh,

they can take your eye out.

Make sure you -- oh.

Oh.

Well, we're just not gonna

tell moose thompson about that.

Now, we set up

these mason jars as targets,

and, uh, we're gonna

try to work on our aim.

But bill,

uh, got creative here

and made what I would call

a nuclear slingshot.

Now he's looking for,

uh, suitable ammo for it.

Uh, not big enough,

not big enough...

That seemed

to strike his fancy.

And I'm getting a little worried

at this point

'cause this thing's

got a lot of torque on it there.

And he's gonna fire

off a brick

and maybe take my head off.

Then kind of lost a bit

of his grip and slipped and --

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Perfect.

"it is winter.

"dashing through the snow

in a one-horse open sleigh

"just like

your grandparents did.

Only it's costing you

100 bucks an hour."

uncle red,

what do you think of the way

our government's running

this country?

You know, say,

with the economy?

In what area?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

Just, say, minimum wage,

for starters.

Yeah, all right, well, uh,

I-I-I like minimum wage.

Me, too. Me, too.

With a qualifier,

of course.

You know, many of my friends

and several of my grandparents

are working

for minimum wage.

Yeah, most of them

are flipping hamburgers, harold.

Granted, true,

and yes, okay, yes --

grandma green is not

the fastest burger flipper.

But other people are in

positions of responsibility,

and I think they should be

making more than minimum wage --

I.E., people

in the courier industry

or those producing and

directing a television show.

I think I just saw a red flag

go by there, harold.

Well, I'm just saying,

uncle red,

that producing and directing

a show like yours

does not strike me

as a job

that should be paying

minimum wage.

Well, it's either that

or nothing.

Well, I'm opting

for the status quo.

Can I chop that wood

for you?

There's no instructions.

We're gonna take

this little commercial break

so that I can remember

the salt-shaker story.

But he might not,

so stay tuned.

I know a lot of you

just turned 16

and you've already smashed up

the family car,

so now you're forced to

stay home and watch this show.

I want you to think about

being old enough to vote.

It's just around the corner,

you know.

And so is the tavern.

But, of course,

that's not open on election day.

If they kept the bars open,

the politicians

wouldn't be able to stand

for the office

they just received.

When it comes

to your first vote,

I want you to find somebody

that you like

and use your vote

to vote them in there.

That's what you do

with your first vote.

After that, you just

find somebody you can't stand

and use your vote

to get the buggers out.

Jack!

Jack, come on up here!

I know

you're in there, jack.

What do you want?

Oh, nothing, I just come by

to see how you're doing.

What were you doing

down there, jack?

Nothing. I wasn't cooking

down here just now.

All right, all right.

Don't get excited.

I just, uh, just dropped by to,

you know, see if you're okay

now that you've, uh,

turned into a caveman.

I mean, what's that like?

Look...

I don't have

any extra food, okay?

I'm sorry.

I told them

this would happen

when they brought in

that capital-gains tax.

You know, people are gonna

come running to old jack

to offset the shortfall,

but...

I don't have any extra food.

I'm sorry.

Jack, jack,

it's all right.

Actually, I stopped

on the way up here.

I had a cheeseburger.

I had a large fries.

Okay, look, all right,

I was cooking down there

just now, red.

So what?

You know, it's my cave.

And if they can tax

my dividend earnings,

then I think I should be

able to cook in my cave.

That's fair, I think.

I agree. I agree.

Um, jack, uh...

Now, don't take this

the wrong way, okay?

But, uh, a bunch of us

up at the lodge were wondering

if maybe you'd like to come

and just stay at the lodge

for a while.

You know, I mean,

just if you want to.

I can't.

I'm having a party tonight,

so, you know.

The band's coming down and

everything, and it's kind of

a bring-your-own-canned-goods

sort of thing, you know?

But...Red,

you're not invited.

I'm sorry, but I just figured,

you know --

well, you know,

you might not fit in.

I think

you should leave now.

Well, jack,

maybe I should go now, eh?

But, uh,

real good to see you.

You, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, uh, you want a potato

or something to take with you?

Well, yeah, gee,

a potato would be great, yeah.

Well...

You have to wait a while.

I haven't planted them yet.

[ scoffs ]

what a kibitzer.

Anyway, uh,

to make a long story finished,

uh, moose made the,

uh, salt-and-pepper shakers

out of shotgun shells,

but then he got them mixed up,

and he ended up

putting real live ammo

on the dining-room table.

Meanwhile, buster hadfield

goes out duck hunting

with the salt-and-pepper

shakers.

So, uh, buster fires off

the salt and pepper,

brings down a couple of ducks.

Uh, now, we had to clean 'em

and pluck 'em,

but they didn't need any spices.

And I cooked up the ducks

for dinner, in fact,

and we had our first formal

sit-down dinner

in about, uh, ever.

So then, of course,

moose has to bring out

the salt-and-pepper shakers,

not realizing

they are actual shells,

and we're all sprinkling

gunpowder and buckshot

all over the duck.

Didn't hurt the taste any,

you know?

But then, uh,

stinky peterson burped

and blew a hole

in the lampshade.

Well, then, of course,

we all had to get into it,

you know, and our normal

after-dinner belching contest

turned into target practice,

which moose thompson won

with a 12-second honker

that ripped the antlers off

the dining-room moose head.

But then moose has always been

good at shooting his mouth off.

So that about wraps it up

for this week.

And if my wife is watching, uh,

I'll be coming straight home,

and I will take

the garbage out tonight

if you just want to shovel it

into the bags for me.

So, thanks again for watching,

and until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang here

at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.