The Science Fair/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Science Fair

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! Ha-ha! And now, here's the man who left his body to science, his wardrobe to history, and his personality to chance, your hero, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

{Red enter the lodge amid the audience's cheering.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much, huh? By golly! All right! {raises his arms to tone down cheering} Save yourselves, you got a family, alright? {cheering ends} Well, you know, every time this year up at the lodge, the guys start making their own beer or making their own wine. Guess it's just their way of trying to give something back to the system. Now, this one fella has made a real interesting batch. Doesn't taste too bad.

HAROLD GREEN: Is it wine or is it beer?

RED GREEN: Kinda hard to tell, Harold. I'd say it's either a sparkling wine or a light beer.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, what does it say on the label?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Um, "American Standard". Yeah, well, it's still in the bathtub, right? Yeah. {back to camera} Actually, it's brewing away right now.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red} The bathtub?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: The bath– Uncle Red, that's my science experiment for the school science fair.

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I'm pickling pollywogs.

RED GREEN: Oh, come on, Harold, it tastes way too good for that. Besides, why would you put all those olives in there?

HAROLD GREEN: Those are the pollywogs.

{Red suddenly looks sick and keels over, holding his hands in his mouth.}

Title sequence
''{The New Red Green Show intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red, Harold and Hap seated at a table. They all start laughing. Hap slaps his hands on the table and points at Harold.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} What you're looking at now is a bunch of segments from this particular show.

''{Cut to a shot of Red holding a telescope and Harold trying to weld some metal to a crystal radio he's making, only to accidentally burn his finger. Harold stumbles in pain, shaking his hand.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} The main message being, "For gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel."

''{Cut to a shot of Red trying to cut a piece of wood in half with a table saw, the blade supposedly at a 45-degree. He is trying to create that angle in the wood. After cutting through the wood, he reshapes the wood into a 90-degree, but it's off too much.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell ya something, if you wanna make sense outta this program,

{Cut to a shot of Dalton talking in front of an audience during a meeting of Men Anonymous.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...you gotta give it your undivided attention.

Plot Segment 2
{Red and Harold enter the lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: I can't believe you guys! You drank my entire science experiment right out of the tub! Moose– Moose licked the ring and ate the plug!

RED GREEN: Relax, Harold. You can just make something else.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Like– Like, it was a whole ecology of our wetlands, you know? Now I got twelve lodge members in a belching contest.

RED GREEN: If you were smart, you'd work that into the project. That's marsh gas. I'll tell you what, Harold, why don't you and I do a project together? You know, toxic wastes, the ozone layer or something?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, we could, but no, thanks. I had my heart set on winning this contest, so... Girls like guys who look like scientists. {smiles}

RED GREEN: Well, that could be, but you look more like an experiment, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly; excitedly} Oh! I know what I can do! I know what I can do! I know what I can do! I know what I can do. I can do it. I'll do, like, astronomy. That's what I'll do. I'll, like, grind my own lenses, silver my own mirror, {pretends to look into a telescope with both hands} and I'll line the focal planes and make a telescope! Haw! Yeah.

RED GREEN: {excited} That sounds like fun! {runs toward door} I'll get some duct tape!

HAROLD GREEN: {stopping Red} No, no, no! No. No, see, adults aren't allowed to help you, either. {continues to pretend to look through a telescope}

RED GREEN: All right, Harold, you just grind your hovel to your heart's content, all right? {turns to leave}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

RED GREEN: {leaving, then turning to face Harold} I'm gonna make my own telescope.

HAROLD GREEN: All right.

RED GREEN: {leaving, then again facing Harold} I think I can be a great astronomer, Harold. {reaches front door}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, he's always been good at staring off into space.

''{Red opens the door, but turns and stares at Harold when he says that. Red holds the door open as he stares.}''

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to "The Possum Lodge Word Game"! Where tonight's grand prize is a weekend for two at the solitaire championships! {walks over to the card table where Red and Mike sit} Okay, Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Mike Hamar to say this word...

{Mike covers his ears while Harold holds up a sign that says the word, which is...}

HAROLD GREEN: Father. {starts to set sign down on table, but notices Mike uncovering his ears; Mike hastily recovers them} Father. {sets sign down on table; giggles} And go. {steps back}

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, your mother is married to...

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, her job. Exotic dancing's her life.

RED GREEN: Alright, okay, okay, I'm talking about, the man who take of you when you were young was your...

MIKE HAMAR: {nodding perplexedly} ...truant officer.

RED GREEN: {looks up} No, this– this is a family member, Mike. The man who slept with your mother.

MIKE HAMAR: {stares} Could you be more specific?

RED GREEN: {looking away for a few seconds} Okay, growing up with just a mom, you knew you had a...

MIKE HAMAR: ...curfew.

RED GREEN: Another word for "daddy".

MIKE HAMAR: Lifer.

RED GREEN: {looks perplexed, then brightens up} Alright, alright, Mike, if your wife has kids, you'll be...

MIKE HAMAR: {shaking head} ...long gone.

RED GREEN: {looks disappointed, then brightens up again, shaking his finger} Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Just like your...

MIKE HAMAR: ...father.

RED GREEN: There we go!

''{Red rapidly rings a bell on the table to end the game. Harold points to Mike, who smiles and makes excited gestures.}''

Handyman Corner
{The camera pans through another part of the lodge, past the Handyman Corner sign, and reaches Red standing beside a table saw.}

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you how to make a very common joint that you use for building furniture, houses, even wooden cars. It's a ninety-degree joint, and all's you need is a table saw, {shrugs} or a friend who has one. {tightens saw blade into place with fingers and then holds up a separate saw blade} Now, I've just switched the blade in this thing, because this one's a special blade {holds up a huge piece of metal} which is used for cuttin' metal. Does a heck of a job, doesn't it?

''{Red tosses the metal piece aside. It lands with a clattering crash. He then goes back to tightening the second blade into the table saw with his fingers.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, you don't need to horse this thing down or anything. {straining to tighten blade in} Just finger-tight is fine. {finishes tightening in blade; wipes hands together} And then just start her up!

''{Red bends down to flip a switch on the side of the table saw over and turn the machine on. Suddenly, the saw blade shoots out of the machine and up into the air. Red looks up at what's going on.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I– I guess I shouldn't use the stronger finger. But there's a lesson to you youngsters out there: never compromise safety just because you can't find a wrench.

''{Red feels around in his pants and then pulls out a wrench. Suddenly, he looks up to see the saw blade falling back down.}''

RED GREEN: Uh-oh!

{Red grabs and holds up a metal tub and uses it to catch the falling saw blade in it.}

RED GREEN: Boy, I wonder if it's still sharp?

''{Red reaches his finger into the tub and then suddenly pulls it out, shaking and clutching at it. He stumbles around.}''

RED GREEN: Yep.

''{Red stumbles out of the room. Wipe to a later scene. Red is putting the new saw blade into the table saw machine. He is straining to bend the blade into a prone position with a wrench.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I think we're ready to start cutting now. {flips switch and turns machine on; holds up hand, with fingers stretched out} Here's a little advice for ya: count your fingers before and after every cut, and then you'll know if you should be shifting through the sawdust. {picks up long plank} And just do this little cut here.

''{Red slowly runs the wood over the spinning sawblade. The saw cuts through the wood. Red then holds up the wood. The blade did not actually cut through the whole wood, only along the lower part of the wood. Red doesn't notice at first, however. He turns off the machine.}''

RED GREEN: And, uh, it's that easy, basically. She's, uh... {examines wood now} Alright, well, she didn't, uh, actually cut all the way through there, so... {raises hand up} I guess we'd have to set the blade a little bit higher, {lowers hand} or you can set the table a little bit lower. Your choice, really. {looks at wood} Oh, no, I know.

''{Red slams the wood down on the machine, breaking off the cut piece of wood and splitting it in two. Wipe to a later scene. Red is feverishly turning a crank on the side of the machine to raise the sawblade a bit higher. He finally finishes.}''

RED GREEN: That ought to do her. Now, here's something else that you can do with a table saw. When you want to cut along {moves left hand across in front of his chest} the length of a board, that's called ripping. {puts on safety gloves} You can rip things! Rip right through the board there! It's a lot easier than doing it by hand. {picks up another piece of wood} It's called ripping!

''{Red uses the wood to turn on the table saw machine. He then places the end of the wood against the blade to cut through it, but suddenly, it slips out of his grasp and flies backwards behind him. Red looks on in surprise. The wood hits something with a crash.}''

RED GREEN: You know how it just kinda went ripping out of there? {chuckles; turns off machine} Here's what I wanted to show you today. {picks to small, blocky pieces of wood} You know, when you join a couple of pieces, you know, in a right angle, a 90-degree angle, {puts two pieces of wood together, one end lying on top of another} sometimes you make a joint like that. That's called a butt joint, and frankly, it's kind of butt ugly. Some I'm gonna show you how to make another kind called a miter joint. Miter. That's a French word that means... {pauses to think} not butt. {drops wood; walks over to machine} Okay, so you're still gonna have your 90-degree angles, but you're gonna do it with {puts fingertips together in a 90-degree angle position} two 45s. If you wanna have the right angle, anything else is a wrong angle, which I have proven many times. {stoops down beside machine} So all you gotta do is set your saw to exactly 45 degrees.

''{Red tries vainly to set the saw blade to a 45-degree angle, but it is quite stubborn. Wipe to a later scene. The saw blade had apparently been set to the right angle and the table saw machine has been activated. Red cuts a piece of wood through the angled blade, so that the cut is at that same angle.}''

RED GREEN: There we go! {turns off machine} All right, so, uh... now we got our two 45-degree angles. {holds up both pieces of wood} You put those together exactly right. {turns one piece of wood around} Put that one over there.

'{Red sets up the angled wood, but the angle is way off from 90 degrees, although he doesn't know this yet.}

RED GREEN: And then, what you're gonna find here, once it all goes together exactly right, is you've got a perfect 90-degree angle. {looks at wood now, noticing the angle is off} Yeah. Um... {tosses wood pieces aside and walks back over to table saw} What we gotta... We haven't got the angle set just... {tries aggressively to angle table saw, but again, it remains stubborn; table saw jumps around} Go get 'er! {still tries to angle blade} By golly, she's sensitive!

''{Wipe to a later scene. The table saw has been turned on once again. Once again, Red is trying to saw a piece of wood in half, with an angled cut. This piece of wood, however, is much smaller. When Red finishes cutting through this wood (this time not bothering to turn off the saw), he holds up the two angled ends and notices that the wood is still not angled properly.}''

RED GREEN: {shouting over the table saw noise} ALL RIGHT, NOW, I MAY HAVE OVERCOMPENSATED A BIT THERE! {looks at wood pieces again} AND I'M RUNNING OUT OF WOOD, SO I GOTTA FIX– YOU KNOW, I DO NEED A TOTAL OF 90 DEGREES, BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE TWO 45s! {looks at one piece of wood, which is cut way off from 45 degrees} YOU KNOW, I GOT A... THAT'S ABOUT A 72 THERE. {looks up, thinking} SO WHAT I NEED TO MAKE 90 WOULD BE... SEVENTEEN OR SOMETHING THERE, SO... ALL I HAVE TO DO, ACTUALLY, IS TO TIP HALF THE TABLE SAW JACK FORWARD 90 DEGREES! {starts tipping table saw machine forward and propping wood pieces underneath for support} YOU KNOW, TABLE SAWS ARE A HECK OF A THING! I MEAN, THEY'RE– THEY'RE FASTER, THEY'RE MORE ACCURATE THAN WHAT YOU CAN GET FOR YOURSELF, YOU KNOW? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T COST THAT MUCH FOR WHAT YOU GOT!

''{All this time, Red has still been tipping the table saw forward and propping up wood pieces underneath. Suddenly, the table saw falls forward onto the floor with a crash. Red recoils from the shock, as the table saw, still running, runs along the floor and out of the room.}''

RED GREEN: {no longer shouting} And they're portable! Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {looks off-screen and calls out} Hey, Buster! I'm done with your table saw! {pointing} Here it comes back to ya! {smiles}

Commercial bumper
''{Red holds up a huge crystal radio. Harold runs over and reaches his hand out to touch it, but Red snatches it away and Harold hastily pulls back his hand.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we got lots more of it.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Need to talk to you ladies to help you understand why we men do some of the things we do. For example, not stopping for directions when we're lost. Okay, primarily, it's a pride thing: we're out there in our own vehicles, burnin' gas, got the sunglasses on, lookin' good, you know? People see us going by would never guess that we have no idea where we are. And we're not real excited about sharing that information. {nods} A man does not embrace the concept of going up to total strangers and saying, "You may not know this, but I'm a moron." Whereas the woman that he's with is only too happy to share that information. I think it helps to ease her burden a little. See, to a woman, getting lost when you're on a trip is just a blameless act of nature. But to a man, it's a sign of personal failure. He knew where he was when he left; he doesn't know where he is now. All right, somewhere along the way, he crossed the line between the world he knows and the world he doesn't know. That's exactly the way he feels about when he got married {pauses} and when he had kids. So if he admits he's lost in his car, he's gonna have to admit he's lost in those other areas as well. {nods again, shakes head} That's way too much to ask. So just sit there, bite your tongue, circle the block a coupla times. Men aren't lost, they just take the long way. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
''{Red walks into the lodge, holding a very long telescope. Harold, meanwhile, has a solder over the workings of something electronic.}''

RED GREEN: Harold, I think you're gonna win first prize at the school science fair.

HAROLD GREEN: {not looking at Red} Uh, thanks, Uncle Red. I just got a little more. I'm gonna hook this to the thing...

RED GREEN: {holding up telescope} Yeah, you can't lose with this one, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly looking over shoulder at telescope} Where'd you get that, from an elephant's proctologist?

RED GREEN: {slightly puzzled; looks at telescope} No, Harold. I made this. This is your telescope. {Harold stares} You know, I helped you a little bit with it. Like, I did the building part of it. But it was your idea. Well, it was Galileo's idea, but he's dead.

HAROLD GREEN: {insistingly} No, no, sorry, Uncle Red, you can't help me on this! It's against science fair rules! Besides, I wanna win.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold! Come on, you'll win. {points at mirror on side} Look! Take a look! Take a look in that far side mirror. {Harold leans in close to mirror} See? That's out of a Ford Galaxy. {points to reflective at end of telescope} That one down there's out a Comet. See the one inside? That's out of a Saturn, eh? Very spacey. {Harold looks at mirror} What do you see, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Wha! Okay, tha– that's amazing!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: {examining mirror again} What's it say there? {reading something on mirror} "Caution: Universes may seem closer than they appear." {looks back up abruptly; annoyed} No! {Red shrugs} No, you can't help me! I'm doing this by myself! {walks back over to electronic model}

RED GREEN: {following Harold} Aw, come on, Harold! My dad helped me with homework.

HAROLD GREEN: {holding solder} Well, that's 'cause you guys were in the same grade! {stoops back down beside project} I'm just gonna– I'm not even doing, like, a telescope anymore. I'm doing a crystal radio set. I just got a little more soldering to do.

''{Harold turns on the solder and puts it down next to his radio set. Suddenly, it slips and his finger catches on the tip. It burns his finger and he freaks out in pain. He stumbles around, clutching at his hand in pain.}''

RED GREEN: {pointing} See? See? See? {walks over to radio set} I'll get it. I'll get it.

HAROLD GREEN: {sarcastically} Yeah!

{Red touches the solder, but it burns his hand, too.}

RED GREEN: Oh!

HAROLD GREEN: See? See?

''{Red now stumbles around. He and Harold both speak towards each other indistinctly. Harold gestures toward the radio set.}''

HAROLD GREEN: You see! You did it!

''{Harold shakes his hand. Red blows on his hand.}''

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, if you see a big fat dog
 * Waddling down the road,
 * Don't you be too critical
 * Of his extra-wide load.
 * If you've ever tasted dog food,
 * You gotta tip your hat
 * To an animal who could actually overeat
 * On a diet of crap like that.

Men Anonymous
''{Dalton stands up at the podium at the head of the Men Anonymous meeting. Harold stands by his right side and Red sits in a chair next to Harold.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: My name is, uh, Dalton Humphrey.

{Harold turns toward the audience and makes gestures toward them.}

EVERYONE: {responding to Harold's motions} Hi, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Uh, it's been two weeks since I last acted like a guy. Uh, this week, uh... {leans head down, then looks up again, smiling} This week, I did something I'm pretty proud of. As a first for me, I did laundry.

HAROLD GREEN: {impressed} Whoa! {everyone applauds}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Washing, drying, the whole nine yards! You know what I realized? Is– Is that– It w– It was– {points to his head} The problem was in my head, you know? It was– It was– It was my attitude. You know, if you... If you change your attitude, you know, you can change the whole world.

{Harold points to Dalton, who points back.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: So– Exa– So, you know, I didn't– I didn't think about it like as if it was washing clothes. I thought about it like it was restoring clothes. See, refinishing a shirt. Renovating a pair of pants. And see, it wasn't a chore. This was a project.

HAROLD GREEN: Ohhh!

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, and– and– and I– I– I didn't even call it a washer and a dryer, you know, because these were my– my tools! These were my power tools! My big power tools! So I called them a dirt stripper! And a heat turbine! Stand back, kids, Dad's using the heat turbine! {laughs} You know what? There is no rule that says a washer and a dryer have to be white. Why don't they make them black or brown, you know, like a radio arm saw or a jointer, for heaven sakes? You know what the upside of all this is? My wife was thrilled. Two loads of laundry! She's– She's happy, she's– she was friendly!

HAROLD GREEN: Whoa!

DALTON HUMPHREY: That's right, and I'm gonna surprise her. I'm surprising her right now, by washing all of her woolen sweaters. I can't wait to see the look on her face when I pull those babies outta the dryer! {laughs} It'll be something!

{Everyone applauds, Harold doing so nervously.}

Commercial bumper: Fan contributions
''{A sign is displayed. Some letters that together spell "R-E-D (colored red) G-R-E-E-N (colored green)" is being pulled by strings into the sign.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a Red Green sign, sent to us by a viewer. We're not the only crazy ones.

Plot Segment 4
''{Harold is filling one glass full of some kind of brownish liquid from another glass full of another, lighter brownish liquid. Red walks into the lodge, holding a completed crystal radio set, which is quite huge.}''

RED GREEN: Good news, Harold! {Harold looks at Red} This crystal radio's gonna win you first prize at the science fair. Congratulations and good work.

HAROLD GREEN: {incredulously} Good work?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: You built the whole thing!

{Harold reaches his hand out to touch the crystal radio, but Red snatches it away.}

RED GREEN: Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't!

HAROLD GREEN: {hastily pulling back hand} What?

RED GREEN: Don't touch it!

HAROLD GREEN: {his hand reaching for it again, then pulling away again} I won't.

RED GREEN: You don't know how it works, okay? Just leave it alone! {Harold tries to look casual} Leave it alone! Get to the school. I'll explain everything about it, okay? There's a good boy. {smiles}

HAROLD GREEN: {frustrated} I cannot enter something in the science fair that you built! Or have you not been listening the first nine times I said that to ya? I'm gonna do my own project. {walks over to the two glasses on a table and picks them up; giggles} It's about sex! {giggles again as he resumes pouring from glass to glass}

RED GREEN: {uneasily} Oh, Harold? Harold? {shakes head} Sex? I can't help you there. You're on your own. 'Course, you're used to that, aren't ya?

HAROLD GREEN: {putting some drops from one glass into the other} I'm gonna do a frank and explicit look at the germination of soy beans. {examines glass; insistingly} Without the meddling of an adult.

RED GREEN: Okay, Harold, but you should know that Buster Hadfield is helping his son making an atom-smashing nuclear accelerator cyclotron out of an old TV set and a weed whacker.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking nervous, then insisting again} Well, I don't care, I don't care! I'm gonna do things my way!

RED GREEN: {turning to leave the lodge, holding the radio set} Well, fine. I'm gonna enter this crystal radio in the science fair myself.

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! Okay, but Uncle Red, the science fair is only open to high school students.

RED GREEN: I never graduated. {leaves}