Harold's Wheels/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Here's the man

who casts a giant shadow,

especially after lunch --

your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

thank you, harold.

Got something for you.

How you doing?

Glad you could join us.

I've got kind of

a special presentation.

I've got something for you.

Not another

wedgie.

No, no, come on, harold.

Come over here.

You know,

this may surprise you, but

I'm not good at giving gifts.

I forget birthdays,

graduations, weddings...

Christmas.

Harold has just recently gotten

his driver's licence,

and I think that deserves

a celebration.

So, harold, this is for you.

Wow!

A bottle opener!

That is so great!

No, no, harold,

harold.

Those are

car keys.

I got you

a car.

I bought it

from buster hadfield.

There's the ownership.

Wow!

Yeah.

I don't know if I want

or need a car, but thank you.

That's generous,

that really is.

$1,975! Is that how much

it cost?

No, that's the year.

A classic.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

Maybe the car's

not in perfect shape,

but we'll get her certified.

The previous owner

should be certified.

The gas tank

should not be

held up by rope.

That is a classic piece of

detroit iron you're looking at.

Look at the quality,

the craftsmanship.

I don't know why

they stopped making pintos.

(audience laughing)

interesting colour, though,

isn't it?

Actually, it's a mix

of colours, isn't it?

What would you

call that? Plaid?

Those are original colours.

It looks like a quilt

because the doors and fenders

are off different cars.

When you go to paint that,

use the spray can

'cause that much rust

will only clog a roller.

Uncle red, I don't want

to hurt your feelings.

I appreciate the thought,

but I don't want a car.

What are you talking about?

You need a car to be a man.

Look at those guys on t.V. --

"knight rider",

"smokey and the bandit",

"the dukes of hazzard",

"columbo"...

Eh? Huh?

You know who doesn't have

a car, eh?

Mr. Rogers.

(audience laughing)

is that what you want

to be like?

Imagine how

his image

would be different

if he had a car.

Picture mr. Rogers

in a corvette,

peeling rubber

up and down sesame street.

(laughing and applause)

with his little sweater on...

"can you say 'wheelie'?

"I thought you could."

oh, no, that doesn't--

cars don't prove you're

a man -- that's ridiculous.

Oh, come on, harold!

You gotta have a car

to be a man!

You're gonna

need a fleet!

All right, for example,

yourself.

You got the possum van.

The tires are bald,

it fills up with exhaust...

No, your

point's right.

Ok, here's the real point.

Women love guys in cars.

(whimpering)

you want a car?

I want a car!

Car -- good!

Come on!

This week on

"adventures with bill",

the two boys went out there.

There's nothing like a dinner

around the old campfire.

Bill cooked up

a fair whack of beans.

Those would be

the pork and beans.

Luckily, he has the eating

utensils inside his coveralls.

Keeps 'em clean, I guess.

Chow down, guys! Oh, man!

Ohhh! Ohhh! Oh, no!

No, we don't need to see that.

Don't look, harold.

Better to eat with bill

in the dark.

I'm not sure bill had-- wow!

You cleaned those up

in a hurry.

Why don't you just have

a few more beans?

Uh-oh! I think

the mode harold's in

is the ghost of

christmas-yet-to-be.

Don't worry.

Bill's got a few more beans

to eat yet.

You don't want those,

do you, harold?

Stay tuned, folks.

You remember three-mile island.

Ever notice men enjoy

doing two things at once?

Working and playing,

eating and talking...

Marriage and dating.

Maybe it's because they don't

usually do one thing real well.

This week on "handyman corner",

we're gonna combine

two things that men love --

cars and sports bars.

That's right, we're gonna make

a sports-car bar.

Well, not a sports-car bar.

More of a sports-car bar,

sports-bar car... A thing.

You're gonna get yourself

a bunch of televisions.

I recommend that you go

to a t.V. Repair shop

near an old folks' home.

They get dropped in there

and get fixed,

and they're never claimed.

I'm talking about

the t.V. Sets.

These sets are gonna become

the screens for our sports bar.

The key component is

the cable hook-up.

You really can't run

a half-decent sports bar

if you only have one channel

and it's the weather network.

I have already stripped

the end of this extension cord,

accidentally,

on another project,

and incidentally, aluminum

does conduct electricity...

If anybody else was thinking

of making an electric ladder.

I need one of these clips

off the jumper cable

to use for my cable hook-up.

This extension cord

can help me with that.

I got the other end

plugged in to 220 volts.

It was a completely

different size plug,

so I just sledged 'er in there.

A true handyman is resourceful.

(electricity sparking)

there's our cable hook-up.

I just have to get near

a building with cable...

And hook up.

I know what you're thinking.

How will I get near

a building with cable?

Or "will that work?"

or "is this show

still on the air?"

of course, the answer is,

I'm not making

a normal sports bar.

I'm making a mobile, portable,

road-worthy sports bar.

All I have to do...

Stack my t.V. Sets

so they can be viewed

from the passenger seats.

And I'll tell you...

With a station wagon, you get

that space and flexibility.

(grunting)

it hasn't gone real well,

but I'll tell you something.

A true handyman

does not quit...

Partly because he's determined

and mainly because

he's just too embarrassed

to tell people what went wrong,

especially if those people

are his wife.

My theory doesn't work

in practice.

Whenever my theory

doesn't work in practice,

I'm not thinking big enough.

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

Got harold's car

all painted up.

Love that fluorescent orange.

When you park it

under the trees

and light comes down

through the leaves,

you can hardly see the lumps.

Harold's getting ready

to go cruising the main drag.

Today, harold is a man...

Or as close as he's gonna get.

(audience laughing)

uncle red!

Battery's dead.

Did you push the gas pedal

all the way to the floor?

Yeah... To the point

where the floor would be

if it hadn't rusted through.

Twice?

Yeah, I pumped it twice!

No, I didn't say pump it.

I said put the gas pedal

to the floor.

That's what I did.

There was no pumping!

Did you turn the key on

like I told you?

(together): On, then off,

then... A beat...

On, off, then on, then off...

Then... On fast!

That's

what I did!

(laughing and applause)

nothing!

(applause and cheering)

did you short that red wire

onto the steering column?

Yeah -- battery didn't work.

Radio blew up

and a wiper shot off,

but the battery's dead.

Oh, all right.

I'll give you a push.

You smell paint, harold?

I think someone left

a can of paint on my seat

and I sat on it.

Leave a stain at all?

No, no,

you're fine.

I'm ok? I don't want

to look stupid.

I can't see

a thing.

♪ ohhhhh ♪

♪ sometimes

I get to wondering ♪

♪ how life unfolds

by chance ♪

♪ how boy meets girl

and then it starts ♪

♪ with a word

and a furtive glance ♪

♪ how a meeting that

should have gone nowhere ♪

♪ can lead

to a torrid romance ♪

♪ how a comment

and a motel key ♪

♪ can remind you

where you left your pants ♪

(laughing)

we're on the right track now...

A sports bar that stops

at railway crossings.

Lots of room, plenty of seats.

We could run the t.V.'s

across the front

and the driver can watch.

I rode in this school bus once.

I rode in a lot

of school buses once.

There's a lesson

to you young people.

Bus drivers can kick you off.

Oh, boy, you see

a problem here, hmm?

How will people at the back

see over the heads

of people in front?

We could slope the floor

by flattening the front tires,

but I got a better idea.

Remember you always tried

to raise the roof of the bus?

I'm gonna do it for real.

Gonna take the torch,

make a cut up each side

and across the front,

and peel 'er back

like a sardine can.

(coughing)

by gosh, that gum under

the seats can really burn.

But she's coming together,

isn't she?

I gotta peel the roof up,

put a platform across the top,

pile the t.V.'s on top,

lay the roof back down,

and I'll be cable-ready.

It's just that easy.

Now me and 60 of my friends --

or people with money --

can go anywhere

and watch any sport.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I have an important

sporting event to watch.

Ohhhh, man!

Game over.

(t.V.'s smashing)

all right, meanwhile,

back at the bean fest,

the boys finished the beans.

Harold had two and

bill had about seven pounds.

They're trying to

get the campfire out.

A bit of overkill, there,

with the fire extinguisher.

(coughing)

everybody ok in there?

Are you guys still in there?

The campfire's still going.

The thing with

the fire extinguisher,

there's always room

for operator error,

and everything we do

around the lodge...

This is a good lesson

for you kids.

Don't ever walk away

from a smouldering campfire.

Put the dirt on it,

put water on it.

If you have

a co2 extinguisher...

Stick the end of your rake in,

like harold does.

Kind of an iwo jima look...

But it's still going,

still going,

so it's gotta be out, dead out.

Got the pop in the pants.

What are you gonna do, boys?

Oh, I see, I see --

poor man's fire extinguisher.

Put the pop on there.

At this point, this becomes

a chemical experiment.

They've put h2o on there,

they've put co2,

and now they've put co,

which I think is... Oh!

And now they'll...

They'll put bill's butt

on there.

That kills almost everything,

including the campfire.

Unfortunately, he now has fire

inside his pants,

which hasn't really happened

in quite a while with bill.

Ahhhhh!

If there's anything

you can learn, kids,

by watching this adventure

with bill,

that thing you'll learn

is that methane is explosive.

(farting)

(laughing)

the really sad thing is that

bill will find this funny

till the day he dies...

Which may be sooner

than he's planned.

Here's some fans

from grantsburg,

wisconsin,

who came to

possum lodge

in a school bus.

You buy a person a gift,

you don't expect anything

in return.

I guess a little gratitude

might be nice,

but you sure don't expect

complaints, do you?

I was not complaining.

I'm just a concerned car owner.

You don't take

a 25-year-old car

to an engine diagnostic centre.

No, see, I'm concerned

about the environment.

I want it up to standards.

You didn't notice that

blue exhaust in the back seat?

You couldn't see out

the rear-view mirror.

All right,

all right.

She burns

a little oil.

A little oil?!

Smells like kuwait!

A little oil!

Gaskets all leak, there's

no emissions control

on the carburetor...

They looked it up

in the pollution index.

It's higher

than a sulphur plant.

Harold, you got this

way out of proportion.

You're gonna drive

about 100 miles a year.

The earth's big --

it will bounce back.

It's not just the smell,

the smoke, and the stink.

It's expensive -- the upkeep,

the insurance...

Insurance?! Boy, you're a wimp!

It's illegal to drive

without insurance.

What if I had an accident?

Carry a cell phone.

When you think

you'll hit something,

call your agent

and get coverage.

(laughing and applause)

come here! Come on, come on.

You've come to the end

of a very busy day.

You're rolling into bed,

she's giving you the eye,

and you're thinking...

"boy, it's been a hectic day.

"I'll tell ya, as soon

as my head hits the pillow,

"I'll be out like a light."

what?!

Sometimes you just want

to go to sleep.

You gotta figure out

what to say to her--

whoa! Time out!

You could say that.

No, major time out!

Am I misreading the situation?

Haven't you ever gone

to bed just...

She's giving you the eye --

the signals are there!

It's been a busy day.

You're both gonna be there

in the morning -- you're tired.

You're never too tired

for this -- come on!

I never have been.

This is totally

beyond my comprehension.

I have nothing to add

to this -- I'm out of it.

All right,

it's a delicate matter.

I'll handle it myself.

'cause you're the voice

of experience?

Pardon me?

This has happened to you,

this "let's go to bed

and sleep" thing?

(audience laughing)

all right, so you can say,

"ok, it's been a busy day

"but don't go to sleep --

it's about to get busier."

that's my boy!

"what's another three minutes?"

(laughing and applause)

it's "male call"!

Whooo!

Whooo!

Hey, mail!

Imagine if you did that--

here's the letter!

(audience laughing)

a lady in alberta writes...

"dear red, I think I was

"the first woman

you fell in love with."

(squeaking)

"do you

remember me?"

that's a trick --

that's my wife, bernice.

No, it's not!

Yeah, it's gotta be.

She sent a picture of you

and her cuddling up.

Let me see that, harold.

Let me see that.

It's gotta be

a trick photo, bernice.

It's you and some blonde.

I don't know who that is.

I'll give you a hint.

Her name starts with "m"...

"m"...

Bernice, I don't know

who this is.

The letter "m" means--

I can't--

all right, it was

maureen wilson!

Made him say it!

I told you about her.

I dated her a few times.

All she had going for her

was her looks.

You know, she didn't have

your personality.

I mean that as a good thing.

Look, I went out with her

but I married you.

All right?

(laughing)

"m" is not for "maureen".

What?

It's for "mom"!

It's a picture

of you and your mom!

(laughing and applause)

that's good -- nice work.

Yeah!

(cheering and whistling)

that's great.

That's a good one, eh, bernice?

(laughing nervously)

I knew.

(laughing nervously)

if you're watching,

I can explain everything.

Wrong on both counts.

You cannot explain, and

aunt bernice isn't watching.

We tape shows --

she can't see it for two weeks.

I got two weeks

to find an explanation.

You're lucky --

you know what you could do?

Ok, I'll help you.

You take her out to dinner

so she misses this show.

Dinner and dancing,

then a late movie,

and she won't see the show.

Wait a minute --

what about the re-runs?

Ok, I'll tell you

when they're on

and you take her out

those nights, too.

All right, I'll phone bernice

right now

before she invites

friends over.

That's a good idea.

Good idea -- oh, yeah.

Oh, he's safe now.

Good idea, aunt bernice!

Way to go!

(laughing and applause)

most women would nag

their husbands

till they took them out more --

not you! Way to go!

Looks like I'm getting

the car back from harold.

That's ok -- if everybody

returned their gifts to me,

I'd buy them better stuff.

You know, a car

is not just a car.

It's a heater, a water pump,

a storage shed,

a home entertainment unit...

At the very least,

it's a lawn ornament.

Uncle red, uncle red!

Here's your bottle opener.

That's all that's left

of the car.

What are you talking about?

I took it to flinty

mcclintock's and he crushed it.

It was so cool!

(audience laughing)

you got the

car crushed?!

It was a major polluter.

I was thinking of the world.

I took it to flinty's

and he crushed it down

to a tiny cube.

It's easier to scrap it

than fix it.

Little tiny cube!

He was gonna use a magnet

to pick it up,

but there wasn't enough metal

to hold it.

(audience laughing)

you know, harold,

I tried with you,

but I can only do so much.

I tried to make you a man,

but you're programmed

to be a goof.

Whatever I do to try

to make you a man...

It's too big a challenge.

That reminds me -- can I borrow

the possum van?

I guess so, harold, but

that's not you, you know --

that's me.

You're driving around

in my reflected manliness.

As long as your reflected

manliness has gas,

I don't care! I got a date!

What?!

Yeah!

At flinty's, his little girl

works there, susie.

She said, "that's cool, that

you're saving the environment."

I went, "oh, yeah."

she said, "we should

get together."

I thought, "oh, yeah."

we didn't pick a date

so I'll park in front

of her house and wait.

(possum squeal)

meeting time!

You go ahead, harold.

I'll be right down.

Ok, you

know me.

I'm going...

I'm out of here!

(laughing)

the babes

are waiting!

(laughing and applause)

ohhh...

(applause)

if my wife is watching,

I'm coming home

after the meeting.

Maybe I won't -- I can't leave

till harold comes back

with the van.

He's not coming back

until he gets a date.

We could be looking at

a couple of years...

Or I could walk home,

but that's not manly.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and whoever that was

and the gang at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

everybodstand up.

Harold's not coming --

ok, here we go.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down.

You probably heard

the commotion at the park.

We were having a game

of sunfish baseball.

It's just like baseball

except you use a sunfish.

They have an official ruling

on that big hit

by moose thompson.

It's a homer, a grounder,

and a foul ball and sushi.

We have another book

coming out --

"red green talks cars:

A love story."

it's available

through possum lodge

and through

your local book retailer.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!