Sedgwick The Thief/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Thank you very much.

Got an exciting show.

A bunch of us are building

a cable car ride

at rock reef point

by duct taping grocery carts

to a garage door opener.

Only need one more part.

Did you get

that nine-volt battery?

No, not exactly.

Old man sedgwick

was going into town.

I asked him to pick up

the battery

and get some licorice.

Harold, old man sedgwick

is not reliable.

His brain only lasted this long

'cause he never uses it.

Whenever he goes to town

he just steals something,

comes home in a police car.

Well then, I guess he didn't do

as I asked.

He didn't bring back

a nine-volt battery, huh?

Ok, well then, maybe you

can explain this.

Wait a sec, that's not it.

That's not a battery.

I got one -- just a sec.

Hold it.

Ohh-oo.

What do you say now?

(sirens)

officer, the guy you're

looking for is right here.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): Today garth shows you

how to get rid of pigeons.

I'll make a cable car

to get you up the mountain,

buzz sherwood has made

a trailer for his airplane.

Here's the bad news:

Harold is harold.

Old man sedgwick's

in the slammer.

It's ok, harold,

you can come out now.

(audience laughing)

he only

stole

a battery -- surely

they won't incarcerate him.

Or is there an election

coming up?

It's not so much the theft.

It was resisting arrest,

throwing the meat pies

and making the body noises

in the back of the cruiser.

You know what?! --

This is great.

I could be his lawyer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know about law.

I've got every episode

of "law and order" on tape.

I know all about tenets

and precedents.

You don't know much

about briefs.

(laughing)

aha!

(red): Keeping with the theme

of criminal activity,

bill's going to teach you

how to watch out

for pickpockets.

The main thing is

pay attention.

Garth harble here,

animal control,

with another important tip

on how you control animals.

Come on in here, red.

A bit of a head injury.

Chasing bears in a cave?

No -- exactly the opposite.

Boy, did I nail myself.

Smacked right into

a stalactite.

Bears didn't eat me though.

When I went down

they must have thought

something was wrong with me.

Bears are smart that way.

I lay in that cave

for half a day, unconscious.

When my boss, leo, found out,

he docked me four hours pay.

I hope leo dies before I do.

I can't wait to see

the look on his face

when I don't show up

at his funeral.

Garth, do you have a tip

of any kind for us here?

Huh?

An animal tip of any kind?

Oh, oh, oh -- pigeons.

Pigeons are an important link

in the ecological chain

because they take things like

grubs and foodstuffs

and they redistribute them

from the sky,

usually on your front walk

or your windshield.

Red, one way

to get rid of pigeons

is with a grenade launcher,

like this.

(making shooting noises)

of course, we can't do that.

No?

No, we can't.

You know what we do

at the lodge?

We take lead pellets,

cover them with honey.

Get a pigeon to eat

a few of those

and he's travelling on foot

for a while.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that,

red.

What you need is this stuff,

sticky grease.

Pigeons do not like to perch

on gooey stuff.

So I load my squirt gun

with a bunch of this

sticky grease,

and then I spray it

all over the eavestroughs.

That gets rid of the pigeons.

See, look there.

There they go now.

I'm thinking that grease works

as a bit of a laxative, too.

Another super day.

♪ oh, I have an old car ♪

♪ the seats

are all stained ♪

♪ it was old

when I bought it ♪

♪ and that hasn't changed ♪

♪ I had

my first date in it ♪

♪ my first kiss,

my first pass ♪

♪ my first romantic encounter

when I ran out of gas ♪

(laughing)

♪ my first

parking infraction ♪

♪ my first toxic leak ♪

♪ and still not my first

car payment ♪

♪ but I'm hoping to have

the money together ♪

♪ by early next week ♪

with old man sedgwick

in jail,

and them holding that

nine-volt battery as evidence,

my plan for a cable car

is on hold.

So I've come up with

an alternate plan.

I'll show you how you can build

one of these yourself,

even if you're like me,

nine-volt battery impaired.

You'll need a spare tire

like the ones on your car.

If you don't have a spare,

hang around

the mall parking lots

until somebody with

your kind of car comes in.

Trunks are pretty easy to open.

I suppose if all the cars

are nicer than yours,

try hanging out at wal-mart.

First, pry the tire

right off the rim.

There's a good reminder.

What you want to do is

take the air

out of the tire first.

(hissing)

oh my gosh, that smells...

Oh, must be

prince charles' tire.

Smells like the "air"

to the throne.

All right, that tire

should just pop right off

I would think.

She's coming.

(coughing)

it's just that easy.

Now what you want to do

is attach the rim--

(sizzling)

you want to let her

cool off a bit.

Get a clothesline

with the clothes on it.

These aren't hard to come by.

All you need is

a pair of cutters

and a dark night.

Take the clothes off.

Then you want to get your rim

and attach that to

the outside of one of

the drive wheels on your car.

That's good enough.

You can hold this on

with bolts,

or weld that on there,

but remember, there's going

to be people in this cable car.

So you want to attach this

with something

you'd trust your life to.

All right, now,

this is a car,

and this is a cable...

Hence the term "cable car".

Only needs one more thing

to make it work.

(panting)

a tree at the top of the hill

to wind the cable around.

Now, all's I have to do is

go back to the car,

attach this to the front.

Next time I'll be able to

come up the hill...

Without walking.

All right,

what you want to do

is thread that through

your front bumper,

and secure that.

Snug her right up.

Get her snug.

As soon as I start the engine

and pop her into gear

it will tighten the cable

and the car will

pull itself up the hill

with the passengers

safely inside.

They got a heated compartment

in here.

You got music.

You got

your beverage containers.

And the beauty is

you don't even have to steer.

Let's give her a try.

(engine starting)

(engine revving)

all right, that was my fault.

I just got to attach the cable

to something

a bit more secure.

I removed some of

the excess weight.

It's gonna run better now.

I've secured the cable

to the frame.

Hindsight's always 20-20.

Usually comes from somebody

who wasn't there.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome

they should at least

find you handy.

They'll find me

at the top of the ski hill.

(engine starting)

(engine revving)

stay tuned for buzz sherwood

saying hello.

You got new neighbours

moving in down the street.

They look ok from a distance.

As you're peering at them

through your binoculars

to see if their faces

look familiar to you

from television shows like

"america's most wanted",

your wife tells you to

put your pants on,

she's invited the new people

over.

I know you're thinking

you already know more people

than you want to know.

And anybody

who would buy a house

on the same street as

a chlorine factory is an idiot,

except for you, of course.

But you've got

entirely the wrong attitude.

When the moving van

pulls in, run over,

say "howdy, neighbour,"

all the time,

keeping an eye on everything.

You're looking for power tools,

gardening equipment

and especially

a big-screen t.V.

When it becomes obvious that

they're better off than you,

figure out some way

the families can get together

once a week, even more often

during the playoffs.

It's ok to give a little

as long as you get a lot.

That's called free trade.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(applause)

we got old man sedgwick

out of the hoosegow,

but we had to sit through

quite a few cases.

The courtroom was packed.

I haven't seen

that many old friends

since my high school reunion.

Tell them about

flinty mcclintock

parking his car

on his neighbour's roof.

Oh no, that was an accident.

Not when it's on the roof.

In the living room

or the lawn maybe,

but not the roof.

Flinty's brakes failed.

Those ladders happened

to be leaning against the house

the same distance apart

as flinty's wheels,

and up she went.

It happens.

How come the shingles

were so messed up?

Well, it took him

a couple

of tries.

The judge was going to

let old man sedgwick off,

but f. Lee doofus

spoke up for him.

He got sentenced to 100 hours

of community service.

We don't have

that big a community.

That means we each have to

spend an hour with the guy,

so we all get punished.

The judge released

mr. Old man into

uncle red's custody.

Are you ready to be responsible

for a misfit?

I'm pretty much used to it

actually.

Safety is everything,

but it's got nothing

on buzz sherwood.

Hey, it's the big red guy!

Harold!

That's fun.

Hey, I got something

to show you.

I got a new plane trailer.

A trailer to put

your plane on,

tow behind the car.

It's probably a lot safer

than flying her.

No, no, no,

I got a plane trailer.

A trailer that my plane

can tow.

You're going to tow this

behind your plane?

How else are you going to get

a boat to fly?

I even got the mirrors

for backing up.

Red, I was thinking,

with my plane trailer,

I can carry more stuff,

more people,

make fewer trips,

use less fuel.

Aren't you afraid of crashing?

Why?

From the extra weight?

What do you mean?

The extra weight of this unit

is probably going to make

your plane crash.

I don't understand.

Your plane can only carry

so many pounds, right?

Which is so great

about the plane trailer.

It takes all the extra weight.

Yeah, but it's attached

to the plane.

Which doesn't have to

carry a thing.

All right, ok,

maybe I'm wrong.

You carry on.

Just do me a favour.

Don't fly this stuff

over the lodge, all right?

Right, right, sure.

Old man sedgwick

seems to be doing ok

with his mandatory

community service.

He volunteered

as a crossing guard

in front of the legion.

It's odd to see those guys

who served in combat

to have to ask permission

to cross the street.

He's gonna get somebody killed.

He's got everybody waiting

till a vehicle comes.

Then he jumps in front of it

with a big sign

making big gestures.

Big stuff, big wow!

It's childish.

He's a crossing guard.

If he doesn't stop traffic,

he serves no purpose.

It would be like

if you didn't sell this show

to a major

network.

I didn't.

Exactly.

We did have one set-back.

Old man sedgwick

stole the stop sign

and a few of the guys medals.

He's a klepto.

He needs help,

like a psychologist.

A psychologist just moved here.

Dr. Stan.

He's quite good.

Very comfortable chairs.

(audience laughing)

I think I can get him

an appointment

for roughly 2:45 tomorrow.

There could be a cancellation.

No, harold.

I'll take old man sedgwick

to my house,

let my wife look at him.

Bernice is good with people.

She usually knows

what to do with a nut-case.

Marries

'em?

(laughing)

this is a claw hammer.

The hammer part is for

banging nails in.

The claw part is for

taking nails out.

As I told you earlier,

bill's going to show us

how to watch out

for pickpockets.

He's pretending to be friendly,

patting around.

You know what he's doing,

don't ya?

He's trying to

steal stuff from me.

He had my watch.

He grabbed my wallet,

my pen knife and so on.

Car keys --

unbelievable what he can do.

Some change and so on.

And...

Oh, my gosh.

I guess I had a hole

in one of the pockets.

And what...

My socks.

How... How... How...

He took my socks and shoes

right off.

That is sleight of hand.

He'd gone through, apparently,

all the guys in the lodge.

I guess somebody had been

on the phone

when he was doing

the pickpocket with them.

That's unbelievable, isn't it?

Apparently, they say,

the hand is quicker

than the eye.

There's a funnel.

Somebody had the towel.

The rollerblades.

By golly, that's amazing.

Bill is very good

with his fingers.

Not really all that good

with his head.

Somebody had the pail there.

He took that out of

somebody's pocket.

Now he's going to

show me how to do it.

He's saying to me,

"it's just that easy."

I've got a trick for him.

(laughing)

oh, you're fine.

Oh, you're fine.

Getting back to my lesson.

He's saying,

"you just grab it

"between a couple of fingers

like that."

he wants me to try it.

He's got the wallet.

It's not that hard --

but look.

He thinks he's so smart.

Oh yeah, oh bill.

You are the epitome of funny.

I'm going to hook

the whole unit there

onto something that can get

this wallet pulled out.

Hook that onto my rad.

Something that's not rusted out

too bad.

Let's see how much traction

the old girl's got.

Got the big eight in her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

you wanna hang onto

your money, huh?

You'd better guard your health,

young man.

I got to give him credit.

It's really digging in,

but, uh...

His clothes weren't.

I'll be cleaning the windshield

till a year from Tuesday.

I didn't just pick his pocket.

I picked his wardrobe,

including everything.

And I mean everything.

Oh my gosh.

He's packing heat.

Here's a word we use lot,

except it's spelled wrong.

Bernice pretty much had

old man sedgwick figured out.

How long did it take?

'cause sessions can be long.

Often it takes four hours

to get into

the true inner self.

Oh, not with bernice

it doesn't.

She wouldn't let him in.

She was afraid

he'd steal something.

She said everything men do

is a shout for attention.

We have to spend time

with old man sedgwick.

Then he'll stop stealing.

It is rarely that simple,

uncle red.

Dr. Stan says --

or I assume he'd say --

that old man sedgwick

is going through

a difficult transition period,

compounded by

his fear of girls

and bad skin.

I'm worried about you, harold.

He should try primal screaming

in a crystal pyramid.

Waaaa!

Aaaaah!

Haaaa ahhh!

Ah!

Haaa!

I think it's--

haaaa!

Sounds like it's time to go

a size up on the pants to me.

I think we've

turned the corner

with old man sedgwick.

His stealing days are over

as far as I can see.

Yeah, right, ok.

Where are your suspenders?

The guy's a born thief.

Hey!

Uncle red.

This is the big one.

You have a chance to win

two dozen day-old doughnuts.

It's the bonus round.

Whoa, baby.

Ok, you have 30 seconds

to make my uncle

say this word.

Ok, 30 seconds, go.

Dependability.

Made in

japan.

In god we...

Fear.

You've got money to give

your kids, you put it in a...

Sock drawer.

No!

Harold is your assistant.

You what him?

Make fun of him,

laugh at him.

Ok, ok, he produces,

he directs the show.

That's because...

I want him out

of my face.

You give harold

something to do.

He botches it up --

what are your first words?

Trust you

to screw--

yes, yes, yes!

Doughnuts!

We gave it an honest try.

The guys took turns

spending time

at old man sedgwick's house.

We realized why

we try to avoid him.

That's

cruel.

You should be tolerant,

and not avoid people

'cause they're different.

How is dr. Stan anyway?

Good -- he says hello.

We cured him

of his kleptomania.

While we were at his house,

we noticed he's got nice stuff.

Every time old man sedgwick

stole something,

we'd steal from him.

When he returned it,

we'd give his back.

That's a proven technique

for solving

psychological problems

that are behavioural

rather than clinical.

(bell ringing)

what's

that for?

To see if it makes you drool.

Old man sedgwick

realized that his thieving

was causing him to be robbed.

He cut out the middle man

and stop swiping stuff.

(possum

squeal)

meeting

time.

I'll be down in a minute.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be home

after the meeting.

In the spirit of

old man sedgwick,

I'll take another shot

at stealing your heart,

which will signify that

I need attention.

(bell ringing)

and to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of harold

and myself and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(possum squeal)

(harold): All rise.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

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Boy, this is too much!