The Earring/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, camping's

come a long way

since bernice first

threw me out of the house.

Nowadays, they've got these

fancy fold-up, hard-top units

that are kind of like

a house except smaller,

made out of canvas

and they do about 70 m.P.H.

But by golly, that's a lot of

money to spend to go away

for the weekend

and still find out you got

a guy like me in the

next campsite.

But as usual,

I've got a better idea.

Take one of the vehicles out

of your personal automotive

parts department

that you keep

behind the house

drop the engine out of her

and convert it into a

hardtop camper.

Alls you need is some camping

gear, a couple of old tents

and a little imagination.

The netting keeps

the mosquitoes away,

and the hood protects the

cook from the flying

beer bottles

that are are so much a part

of any camping experience.

And look how much

extra space you get

when you remount the doors

using the handyman's

secret hinge.

[ laughter and applause ]

there's your

main living area.

That's your boudoir.

The only real work you have

to do to set up the unit

is to dig a hole

under the trunk --

or I should say,

a powder room.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Well, today is the big

fishing trip for the lodge.

The last one we went on

was nine years ago.

Just a bunch of lodge members

out in the wilderness

doing whatever the

heck we want.

That's why we leave the

nine-year gap

so the statute of limitations

will kick in.

Uncle red!

Uncle red, are you here?

Uncle red!

It's all right.

Easy. Easy.

Harold. Harold.

Harold.

Uncle red!

Harold, just follow

the bread crumbs.

Bread crumbs?

There you go.

Okay.

Can you please help me

off with this backpack?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Boy, it's a

big one.

Thank you.

Yeah, hey, dalton.

Hey, red.

Geez.

We had a french poodle that

used to do that to the

wife's laundry.

We had to have

him neutered.

I think the same

thing here would work.

Winston:

Let's go fishin', boys!

[ applause ]

I'm all packed up.

Got everything in the waders.

I got my fishing gear,

I've got the hatchet,

a clean shirt,

dip net, folding oar.

I even stopped by a phone

booth to pick up some

toilet paper.

What?

What's wrong?

Did I say something wrong?

Red:

Uh, no, we're a little hard

of earring -- uh, hearing.

A little hard of

hearing, that's all.

It's just, uh --

maybe you should

go pack, winston.

I just told ya,

I'm already packed.

Geez, I'll see you guys

down at the dock.

Holy smokes!

What?

Winston's wearing

an earring!

Yeah, I don't think I wanna

share a tent with him.

It's just an earring.

Dalton:

Funny he never

married, huh?

Red: Yeah, and he's always

wearing those rubber pants.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today, mike hamar will be

playing for a free meal

from honkin' joe's café,

recently reopened by the

possum lake health department.

Come try honkin' joe's

all you can eat buffet,

now with sneeze guard!

Okay, cover your

ears there, mike.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get mike hamar to say

this word...

Whoo-hoo, parté!

All right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, mike, um,

on your 18th birthday,

what did your

parents throw you?

Out of the house.

No, okay, okay.

Uh, what do you call it

when your friends have a

get-together in your honour?

An intervention?

No, okay.

Okay, if you have a

wedding in your family,

what do you call those people

who are standing next to

the bride and groom?

Their children?

Okay. Okay.

This is a line that people

sometimes get on

their phone...

Oh! "what are you wearing?"

almost out of

time here, red.

Yeah, boy, gee,

I dunno, mike.

We may have to

cheat on this one.

Oh, no, mr. Green.

That's something I could

never be a party to.

There we go!

Announcer: Moose thompson of

possum lake calls it...

Flinty mcclintock says...

And that weird lady who lives

in the shed at the

edge of town,

with all the birds, says...

The critics agree:

If you get your septics

pumped only once this year...

You're pressing

your luck.

You know, as a handyman,

I get asked a lot of the

big questions in life...

"what does it all mean?"

"why are we here?"

"why are you here?

"no, really, sir,

why are you here?

"you're not on

the guest list."

and of course the

classic one...

"why is there

only beef jerky?

"couldn't some

creative freethinker come up

with a little variety?"

well, yes, I can.

So today on

handyman corner,

I'm gonna show

you how to make...

Turkey jerky.

First thing you wanna

do is dry the bird --

not the way your

grandmother does it,

by roasting

it in a 400° oven

for the entire

12 days of christmas.

No, no, that's not

the way the creative

freethinker does it.

Okay, the next step

in the process

is to salt the meat.

Oh, sure, I could have just

added salt to the dryer cycle,

but where's the

fun in that?

The last step we need

to make our turkey jerky

is to compress

the dry, salted meat.

Now, I'm sure

they sell machines made

especially for doing that,

but I prefer to use

this room divider

that bernice bought to

stop me from watching t.V.

While we're eating dinner.

The big question is: How

much pressure is it

going to take

to flatten this baby?

I'm guessing somewhere

around 60 pounds.

Exactly 60 pounds.

And it's just that easy.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ cheers and applause ]

yesterday I ran into

an old friend of mine

I haven't seen in years.

I asked him how

he was doin',

and he said,

everything's great.

His family's great;

his health his great;

his job is great.

Well, great, great, great!

Oh, sure, I mean,

I'm happy he's alive,

and I probably don't

mean him any real harm,

but you know,

the bottom line is

most men don't wanna hear

everything's great.

You know, the phrase

"everything's great"

is an instant

conversation ender.

Just like the phrase:

"I'm a police officer."

I mean, you know,

when somebody says,

"everything's great,"

well, the only answer you

can give 'em is, "great."

then force a smile like

liza minnelli on her

wedding night.

You know, what I wanna hear,

I want the guy to say,

well, everything's okay.

You know, his boss

is on his case,

his wife is on sabbatical,

and maybe his car

is on fire or something,

and his daughter just

had her navel pierced,

which is not so bad,

except that his daughter's

name used to be frank.

Well, now you're

talkin', you know,

'cause that stuff

just opens the door.

Now I can tell him everything

that's wrong with my life.

And before you know it,

we're exchanging a few laughs

and a little bit

of advice,

and then we both go away

feeling better about ourselves

because we're thinking

the other guy's got it

worse off than I do.

So it's like that

old saying...

If you haven't got

anything nice to say,

great!

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

I'm not just

the president of

rothschild's sewage

and septic sucking services,

I'm also a client.

[ laughter and applause ]

okay, uncle red.

This is the last

of my luggage.

Are you sure this fishing

trip's only gonna last

five days?

Oh, yeah.

Five days maximum.

I gotta be back --

okay, okay.

All right.

Very funny!

Now, what is this

supposed to accomplish?

It's just an

earring, harold.

We just wanna show winston

how weird an earring

makes him look.

I mean, this is an

act of love.

Uh, he just means

man love --

I mean, friendly

man love!

No, not th-that

friendly.

Hey, I've got

an idea.

Let's show winston how

silly he looks.

Look, I got

lipstick.

Oh, great.

You know, uncle red,

if you're uncomfortable

around winston,

as someone who is afraid

and insecure may well be,

why don't you just be

up front and talk to him?

Talk to him, harold?

Oh, geez,

I don't know about that.

No, I think it'd

be awful hard for us

to talk to

him about it.

Yeah, I'd

feel uncomfortable.

It'd be awkward

for sure.

Winston: Hey, red,

can you do me a favour?

I don't wanna pack these

good lures in my pan --

you could put

'em in here.

I sure hope you boys

have been drinkin'.

Well, I think

winston got the message.

Did you see him?

Was his face red!

Red: I was out behind

the lodge with sparky there,

just throwin' a stick.

He likes that.

He likes just

grabbin' a stick,

and he's very exuberant.

He's very focussed,

a very focussed dog.

He loves that stick.

And walter come along,

and he had some sticks

of dynamite.

I didn't know quite

what was going on.

I thought this is

probably not a good time

to be playing with the dog,

so I just threw that --

I figured sparky would

just go in there

and just stay in the dog --

but he actually got the stick

and brought it over to me.

But the whole thing was

walter wanted to

remove a stump there,

and, uh, dynamite seemed like

the quickest, easiest way.

Sparky -- no, sparky,

this is not a good time.

Away you go.

Away you go.

No, no, no.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Away you go.

Okay, so walter

grabs a stick there,

and he's gonna stick

it in behind --

I think it's

probably safer

to get all the rest they

dynamite out of the way.

And, uh, I guess he'll

wire it all up,

and I'll go back

and set the --

I see -- oh, yeah,

you got the plunger.

He seems to have

her all set up.

I'm sure he's just

about done there.

Just tighten the wires up and

get this thing underway.

Just stick her in there.

Hook her up to the wires.

And then, okay,

and away we go.

[ hissing sound ]

odd sound.

I was expecting

more of a bang

than the slow hiss thing.

Okay, she's hooked up

to my back tire there.

I don't --

don't completely under --

so I'm gonna go

back to the stump

and see what

the problem is,

and walter just -- what I

think had happened here

is it's a change

in technology.

And I don't see any

wires on the dynamite.

And I figure

they must be buried

and they got

disconnected somehow.

Meanwhile, apparently

what they have now

is a wireless

detonator...

Which I know about now.

So, uh, we decide

to try again.

The one stick

apparently wasn't enough,

so we're gonna

put a few sticks in,

but I'd forgotten that the

dog was still out --

that went in the doghouse.

And then -- so I figure this

is probably our second

stick there,

and then again,

I didn't --

for some --

seemed to have something

against that tree.

And now we've got

three sticks of dynamite.

Okay, now,

that makes sense.

And now we're all set.

We figure three

sticks of dynamite

will get rid of that

stump no problem.

So walter presses

the button.

And what happens

is roughly... Nothing.

So he presses a

few more times.

Then stuff does happen.

And that one

went up real good,

and you'll never guess.

[ applause ]

that's what we call

mission accomplished.

Okay, here comes a stick of

dynamite in a dog

named sparky.

I'm outta here.

[ applause ]

this is the experts

portion of the show,

where we address those

three little words

that men find

so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

Ha! Ha! Okay.

And here's a letter

"dear experts...

"men don't share.

"men don't allow

feelings out.

"men don't talk

about what matters.

"and that's what

makes us men so happy.

"why aren't women

more like us? Sincerely."

well, my theory is

that they just

love to talk.

Yes, I've said

on many occasions --

well, maybe that's

the way it is --

red... I'm talking.

See, women don't

understand sports

or cars or machinery,

so what else do

they have to

talk about?

Just their feelings.

Well, see, my theory is

women talk more

about their feelings

because they have

more of 'em.

You know, you ask any of

us guys how we're feelin',

we're all feelin' fine.

But a woman,

holy mackerel.

Those so many shades

of different moods.

Like, say, mike, you see

that can of gas there?

What colour would

you say that is?

Yeah, it's red.

It's red.

Okay, and dalton,

what colour is that chair?

Well, it's red.

Okay, mike,

that lantern?

It's red!

Well, exactly.

Like, to us

it's red, okay,

but to bernice that

there is ruby crimson;

over here we've

got tropical corral;

and this unit would be

wisp of tomato.

Women know all

the shades.

Men are emotionally

colour blind.

Exactly.

That's it exactly.

You know, it must be awful

having all those feelings.

Well, see,

this is it.

They've got

so many feelings,

I'm afraid they're

gonna explode.

And that's why your

best thing is

just listen to a woman

while she talks about

her feelings,

and be darned thankful

that you're a guy.

What do you do

if they want you

to share your

feelings with them?

You have to

make up stuff.

[ speaking haltingly ]

just kinda... Talk --

talk slow.

[ mimics whimpering ]

a-a-nd t-t-take a lot of

d-d-deep b-b-breaths.

Wow! You almost

teared up there!

How'd you do that?

Well, it helps if you

sit on some ice tongs.

[ applause ]

[ grunting ]

you ever notice

that a lot of the heavy

construction equipment

has these stabilizing feet

that go right

down to the ground

to stop the unit

from tipping over?

Some of them

are strong enough

to actually lift the

unit up into the air.

But I'm thinkin', you know,

something like this

could be real useful

in a roadside emergency.

[ metal creaking ]

had to adapt her a little

to fit my wheel studs,

but we made it work.

The key, of course,

is to mount the foot

upside down on there.

I'll take her off once

I'm out of the danger zone.

Well, we put off our

fishing trip until

tomorrow,

and we asked winston

to come over

so we can have a

little chat with him

about his alternate

lifestyle.

You know it's getting

pretty serious

when men have to

talk to each other.

Okay, I'm here.

Um, please sit down.

Wow, you know something?

I really like what you

guys have done with

this place.

Um, winston, uncle red

and I have asked you here

to -- just to talk

and get a few things

out in the open.

Good, because it's kind

of been bothering me too.

I figure you'd

say that.

Yeah, it sort of threw

me for a loop at first,

but I think I've got

my head around it now.

I'm just a little sad you've

been so secretive

about it, red.

It doesn't bother me

that you're gay.

W-well,

pardon me?

Well, c'mon.

You know, lodge leader,

all male members.

You say you've got a wife,

but no one's ever seen her.

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, no, no, no.

But look, look, look.

Listen, it doesn't matter.

We're all on the

same team here.

It's just that you bat

from the other side

of the plate.

No, no, no, no.

You're the switch hitter,

winston, eh?

Come on, huh?

You're the one

with the earring.

What?

Yeah,

right there.

What the?

Oh, no.

Okay, I remember.

This isn't an earring.

No, about a week ago

I was doing a septic

job, right?

And this little girl had

accidentally flushed her

glitter pony doll

down the toilet, right?

Well, when the back pressure

from the septic truck

hit this thing,

there was bits of glitter

pony doll everywhere!

Oh, for

gosh sakes.

I'm a little

disappointed, though,

that you'd assume that

I would wear an earring.

Oh, you know,

you're right.

I should have known

it was a glitter pony

that got caught in

a toilet explosion.

Well, you see how talking to

each other is always

the best way?

You know what,

winston?

Just a little harmless

misunderstanding.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't worry about it.

No, I'm good.

I mean, I thought

you were the gay one.

But listen, if you ever

muster up the courage

to talk about it,

I'm here for you.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, take him with you,

will you, harold?

Oh, boy.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And, uh, we had some questions

about my orientation today.

I'm hopin' we can get

some answers tonight.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

everyone sit.

Okay.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Okay, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

But I don't ever plan on

changing that much.

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