Sasquatch/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, nothing seems

to bother my wife more

than finding beard

trimmings in the sink.

These little guys are

harder to get rid of

than ants at a picnic.

They never all go

down the drain

and if you try

to wipe them up

you just end up

spreading them around.

This made me think

there must be a faster,

smarter way to deal

with the situation.

Well faster anyway.

So here's what you do,

before starting to

trim your beard

put on a good thick layer

of our old friend gunpowder.

You know in the old days

they used to powder wigs.

This is a lot

more practical.

Okay, step two,

just trim your

beard over the sink

the same way as usual

unless you're a chain smoker

in which case you should

probably be outside

'cause if you're

not you will be.

Don't hate me

because I'm beautiful.

And now with one

last easy step,

you'll not only

please your wife,

you'll whisk her away.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Appreciate it.

Big, big week up at

the lodge this week.

A big hairy thing was spotted

up near rock reef point.

On no, no, no,

it was like a sasquatch

or a bigfoot --

that kind of thing.

But nobody got a

picture of it

so I'm going to try

and capture it on video.

I don't want to say

anything 'till I have proof

otherwise I could end

up with a big foot

in my big mouth.

Uncle red!

Uncle red!

Somebody stole

my video camera!

[ cheers and applause ]

my video camera --

somebody stole my video

camera which is very weird

because I hid it

like you told me to.

Yeah but you hid it

where I told you to.

Just give me that.

Do you want

the whole thing?

I'm going to need it

back though, harold

because I want to do

a little videotaping.

Have you ever

seen a sasquatch?

Not yeti.

Right? Right?

What?

What?

You're wasting your time.

There's no such

thing as a bigfoot.

Hey, I used to think

there was no such thing

as a big goof... And look.

Did you know

they're offering

a 20000 dollar prize

for anybody

that can catch

one of those

animals on camera?

Wow.

I figure if we

work together,

you know, we

could both win.

Wow, we would each

get 10000 dollars?

I was figuring

I'd get the 20,

you'd get the

camera back.

I guess, yeah.

Oh, I'm just

kidding, I guess.

Okay.

You know, everybody's

going to be looking

for that sasquatch,

you know.

I mean, you're going

to have to have a plan.

Well that's why we need

to be a team, harold,

because one-and-a-half heads

are better than one.

You and me a team,

uncle red?

A team, yeah.

Wow.

That's be great.

Yeah, I'll be

the cameraman.

Okay, what'll I be?

The bait.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

and today's winner

receives this coupon

for a weekend

with a grizzly bear.

It's a real,

live, grizzly bear

taken from the wilderness

and brought to your home

for two days and two nights

of non-stop excitement.

Warning: Do not wear

anything salmon coloured.

Okay, bonnie,

cover your ears.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get my fiancee bonnie

to say this word.

Yeah, all right, harold.

And go!

Okay, bonnie, this person

is the head of the household.

Mom!

No, okay, okay.

In the garden of eden,

what was adam?

Eve's assistant.

No, okay.

If one of the lodge members

does something incredible,

the other guys will say

you are a real...

Idiot!

No, no, no.

Okay, bonnie, what is

the opposite of woman?

Whiner.

Okay, okay.

A girl grows up

to be a woman.

A boy grows

up to be a?

Bigger boy.

No, okay, okay.

Oh, I know.

What has more muscles

than a women?

A seafood casserole.

[ both laughing ]

that's true a little bit.

I'm surrounded here.

Okay, bonnie, you're

going to marry harold

and you're going to make

a what out of him?

A lot of babies.

[ harold panting ]

uncle red, you're

almost out of time.

You should talk.

All right, bonnie.

What am I?

Well, okay...

But I hope you can

take this like a man.

Yes, that's it!

[ applause ]

you know, I saw

something the other day

and it made me

start to think

that maybe

I'm losing it.

What'd you see?

A full length mirror?

Thanks, red.

No, I guy I went to high

school with made the papers.

Oh, I've been in the

papers several times.

Yeah, in the "be on the

lookout for" section.

Any publicity

is good publicity.

They had a big article

about this guy.

Oh yeah, now

I hear you.

Nothing worse than

seeing a big picture

of someone you know

standing in front

of the opening

of their new

mercedes dealership.

No, this guy, he

graduated when I did.

He was in the

obituary section.

Oh my.

Yeah.

My first reaction was a deep,

sincere, cheerful laugh.

You blew it buddy!

Cigarettes don't look

so cool now do they

mr. School president.

Then it hit me

like a wild raccoon.

That guy was three

years younger than me.

Well you said he

graduated when you did.

Yeah and you never

failed a grade?

Anyway, it made me realize

I'm living on borrowed time.

Better than living

on prison time.

I could go just like that.

I could go at any time.

It's beyond my control.

I could just go and

that would be it.

Yeah, well when I feel like

that I take kaopectate.

Look at it this way,

the average person lives

to be 80 years old.

This guy that died

was probably around 40.

That means that you're

going to live to be 120

just to bring the

average up to 80, see?

Oh, yeah, so I am gonna

live to be 120 years old.

That's right.

Okay.

Yeah.

Wow.

I wonder what it'd be

like to be that old?

[ applause ]

you know, for

the past few years,

I've been taking

a lot of grief

about driving around

in a gas guzzler.

Now to me,

it was all talk

but then I filled up

the tank the other day

and it cost the

same as what

I paid for the vehicle

in the first place.

Of course, junior singleton

says look at the bright side,

a full tank of gas doubles

the value of the van.

But when I want

the bright side,

I don't go to junior.

So today on handyman corner,

I'm going to build

an energy-efficient car

that's going to

save me money

and make me look smart.

You know, the key to an

energy-efficient vehicle

is really the weight.

The lower the weight, the

less horsepower you need

which is really why you

never see a 200-pound jockey

and of course, the simplest

way to keep the weight down

is to keep the size down.

Which is way you never see a

six-foot-four jockey either.

Okay, well I've got

the weight down,

I've got the size down

but I've still got

to compromise.

Which is fine, most of the

lodge members welcome

comprising positions.

For example, I'm

running this vehicle

off a floor

polisher motor

powered by a car battery

running through an inverter.

The good news is,

I don't have to buy gas.

The bad news is

I don't have

enough power to

turn the wheels.

So I'm going to use

the chain and sprockets

from this 10-speed bike

to give myself a little

mechanical advantage.

You've seen those guys

riding up a steep hill

where their feet are going

like a hundred miles an hour

and the bike is

only going three

kind of like buster hatfield's

mouth compared to his brain.

Well that's how I'm going

to make this vehicle work.

That's the compromise.

I'm happy to give up speed

to make the vehicle

more efficient.

Am I turning into a dork?

[ laughing like harold ]

well it wasn't easy but

I got my 10-speed chain

drive hooked up,

wired to the car battery

which I mounted here

so this is almost one of

those fancy heated seats.

We're a little cramped

for space on this unit.

Next week I may add

a trailer hitch.

All right, let's take her for

a little test spin, shall we?

Maybe I'll go by

the gas station

and show them how my

thumb can touch my nose

while my fingers do the hula.

[ electrical buzzing ]

[ electrical sparks ]

had a bit of a re-think.

The battery was adding

too much weight

so I got it out of there

and I'm replacing it

with this solar panel.

Then I need somewhere

to mount it

so I got rid of

the car body,

stuck on a dog house.

Okay sure, maybe it's

not as aerodynamic

but at the speed I'm going,

it's not really going

to be an issue.

Bernice is going

to love this.

No more speeding tickets

and the solar panel means

I'll always have to

get home before dark.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome --

no, hey buddy, we traded.

[ dog barks ]

[ electrical buzzing ]

[ dog barking ]

I was watching a stand-up

comic on tv the other night

and I noticed a funny thing.

It wasn't his act.

Comedian's don't

tell jokes any more.

It's all observations now.

And here's the difference,

if someone says you

put on a few pounds,

that's an observation.

If they say that just picked

you out on a satellite map,

that's a joke.

But the sort of jokes I

really miss are the classics.

The ones that start

with something good like...

Two penguins walk into a bar

or elmer fudd and heather

locklear are fly-fishing

or a laywer and then pretty

much anything after that.

And a joke is supposed

to have a punchline

like, I've heard of

smoking your bratwurst

but this is ridiculous.

Or sweetheart, I was

talking to the duck

or that's not the canoe

but keep paddling.

Somewhere along the line,

jokes fell out of fashion

and I think it's high time

we brought them back.

And I'm not the only one

who feels that way.

Take my wife, please.

Remember, I'm

pulling for you,

we're all in this together.

[ cheers and applause ]

well, harold and I

are good to go

with our sasquatch hunt

even though we're really

getting razzed about it.

The guys are asking me,

are you going to walk

or ride a unicorn?

But you know, 30 seconds of

video makes a huge difference...

Ask paris hilton.

[ audience laughter ]

harold, are you dressed yet?

Harold: Coming!

Yeah, I'm just the cameraman,

harold's the star.

[ laughter and applause ]

this looks stupid!

Well sure it

looks stupid to us

because we're

not sasquatches.

It's like, normally,

you look goofy to me

but to other people --

okay, that's

a bad example.

[ sarcastically ]

ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Why are you

wearing camouflage?

Well I thought I would

blend into the forest.

I don't want to

spook the sasquatch.

Well maybe just take

your shirt off,

he'll think he's at

a family reunion.

No, no, harold,

you're the bait here.

Okay, you got the

female costume.

You're the attraction.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Now let me see you walk

like a female bigfoot.

Oh, okay.

No, no, no, no, no.

Harold, harold.

You got to sell it.

You got to sell it.

You got to lead

with the hips.

You've got to

work it, harold,

work it, work it, work it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[ cheers and applause ]

that's it, work it,

really work it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa!

Back it off a notch,

you're a lady.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

That's good.

Now imaging I'm back over

here with the camera.

Okay.

And then the sasquatch

comes over, sees you.

He grunts a little bit.

Now, he may put his

arms around you

but I want to see

his face, right

so you want to

move him around.

Get him around like that?

Like that?

Right on the camera.

Okay.

[ cheers and applause ]

all right, this is

a bit of a typo.

It should say

we learn me good.

They were having indoor

soccer at the local school.

Luckily it's a

big parking lot.

A lot of time for

me to stop there

and the bunch of us

were going to go in

and take on whatever

team showed up.

We got some skills,

I think.

You know...

Don't judge it by dalton.

So in we go, go right

in to the gym there

and expecting

to see, you know,

a bunch of guys

like ourselves

and instead of that

it's the scrawnist,

most pathetic-looking

team of soccer players

you're ever going to see.

Look at these guys.

[ red laughing ]

but then, you know, they start

kind of moving the ball

and they're kind of --

hey, hey, hey,

these guys aren't --

dalton's going to show

them, this is our style.

Oh, oh...

So we dropped the ball

and got off to kind

of a slow start.

I thought, you know what,

somebody should play

goal don't you think?

I don't think

it should be me.

So winston says he's

going to take over

because he's had some

experience in goal

and yeah...

It was a much better

form missing and then...

So now it's three-nothing

and okay, now four-nothing

now dalton's going to --

no, you get out of there.

Dalton's going to take over.

Now it's five-nothing.

Six, seven, eight-nothing.

All right, so the bunch

of us all go in goal.

Nine-nothing.

Okay so now mike decides

he's going to stay in goal.

We're going to get the best

defense is a great offense

where's the ball?

Where's the ball?

There it is over there

and they take it around

but mike has a great

move, under the shirt.

No, what?

I don't see any ball?

Oh, oh, oh, oh boy.

So the ball comes free.

Winston kicks out to me,

I kick over to dalton.

Now put it in, dalton.

No, no, ohh....

So now we have to chase

the ball down the hall.

I take -- I think the

cafeteria's over this way

yeah, absolutely,

so we get in there.

This is like having 20

more chairs on your team.

So we get it out of there

and it goes down the hall

and we go this way

and I think there's a wall

at that end of the hall.

Yeah, there is.

And we get her going

and then winston lifts one,

hits the ventilating pipe,

knocks it, bounces off

and then down the pipe.

Now we got to follow

the ball all the way down

still it's in our

possession, though

and it takes us all the

way back into the gym.

Looking good, knocks

the vent off that end.

Oh, it's a back

door shot off mike.

11-nothing, wow.

[ cheers and applause ]

there's always a big

premium on waterfront property.

You know, the cottage

right on the beach

will be, like, 40 grand

but you can buy the one

across the street

for 500 bucks.

I'm just talking about real

estate values in our area.

Yours may not be that high.

Of course, what you're paying

for is access to the lake

so you can go fishing

anytime you want.

But what if there was a way

you could still go fishing

even though you were

a fair ways back

from the water?

I've just

converted my flagpole

into an intercontinental,

ballistic fishing rod.

Now I can fish right over

my neighbour's property.

You've heard of the

one that got away?

This'll be the one

from a block away.

I ran the deep

sea fishing line

up through the eyelets

of the flagpole,

hooked the lure

onto the possum van.

Now I just need

to add a little tension.

Bernice always says

I'm good at that.

[ slingshot sound ]

got one!

Drag it right past those

rich, lakeside cottagers.

Drag my fish right past

their snooty noses.

[ red laughing ]

I forgot, they have cats.

Well that was ridiculous.

What a complete moron he is.

No, I don't think you should

judge people, uncle red.

Oh yes you should.

You should judge

people, harold.

If you don't, you end up

spending your whole life

hanging around with idiots.

Yes but so do they.

So we're out in the woods

right in the deep spot

right where the sasquatch

was seen before

and I got the

camera all set up.

Harold's sitting

on a log

and honestly, harold,

you looked good.

Well, you know,

I tried.

Did you like the

way I was sitting?

You know I was sitting --

I was really sitting good.

I tried to be a little coy,

a little naive, you know.

I'm a little available

but not, you know.

You've been practicing

your whole life, harold

so that helps.

And then -- and then --

and then, all of a

sudden out of nowhere

comes the sasquatch.

Well all I can think is,

I hope I can work the camera.

And all I can think of is

I hope it's not mating season.

And he comes over and

he embraces harold

like we rehearsed.

I didn't let him

touch me, uncle red.

Good girl, okay.

And then harold works

him around so I can

get a full frontal

and what do I see?

It's not a bigfoot!

It's not a sasquatch!

It's buster hatfield

in a hairy costume!

Hairy costume!

Making harold and I think

we can pick up an easy 20 g's.

All we got was a

handful of fun fur.

Yeah, you should

have seen him.

He looked really stupid.

He looked goofy is what

he looked like, that guy.

Harold, don't ever

move into a glass house.

Okay.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead harold.

I'll be right down.

Away you go.

Work it, work it,

work it.

[ cheering and applause ]

so if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting

and you'd think after

spending the whole day

with harold in that costume,

I'd be tired of

seeing a lady bear

but apparently I'm not.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

harold and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down.

You've got to sit down now.

Sit down.

Sit down in the back.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man

but I can change

if I have to

I guess.

Okay, buster hatfield,

I see you back there.

Stand up, stand up.

All right, buster's

going to give us

a big apology

in a minute

but before he does that

I think we all have to

be mature enough to admit

there is no such thing

as a sasquatch.

Okay, I mean, it's a

figment of our imagination.

It has nothing to do

with any type of reality

and I think it's part

of growing up

and when you're a kid, fine,

there's things like fairies

and there are fairies

but a sasquatch... No.