The Cult Visit

Possum Lodge is visited by a strange cult from the planet Gorgon.

Cast (In order of Appearance):, ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game; Red's Campfire Songs; Handyman Corner; Red's Sage Advice;

Transcript
{Red is leaning against the front of the Possum Van, which is parked in the grass near some trees.}

RED GREEN: Y'know, there's nothing worse than accidentally nailing an animal while you're out driving in your vehicle. Man, the grief you take from the wives and Greenpeacers. It's even worse if you got the kids on board. They're sobbing and you gotta make 'em feel better, you say "Don't worry, there's a special skunk heaven." {snickers} "And it smells like we're not in it." I tell ya, the worst part is scraping all the gunk off the front of your car. So I'm thinking, y'know, I pre-spray the barbecue before I cook dead animals. Why not do the same thing with the van? {starts spraying cooking spray on the front grille} Oh yeah. Even bugs slide right off here. I tell ya, you could T-bone a moose, and as long as you dock the antlers, you could keep right on truckin'.

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Red Green Show! Ha ha! And now, here's the man who has no qualms with using the word "qualm", your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks in holding a newspaper as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big news up at the Lodge this week. Actually, in the news! Yes sir! Possum Lodge made the front page of the Port Asbestos Daily Movement. Oh yeah, the reporter was here yesterday, y'know, kinda snooping around and snapping photos, doing interviews. It's pretty exciting stuff.

HAROLD GREEN: {stepping over to Red} Uh, actually, Uncle Red, I think you gotta learn the difference between good press and bad press. That reporter wasn't up here doing like a pleasant human interest story on us or anything.

RED GREEN: Oh no?

HAROLD GREEN: Whoa, no! He was asking Lodge members pretty tough questions, y'know, about the floating furniture out in the lake there, y'know, and all the petroleum stains in the ground. "Oh, why is that snowmobile pile smoldering like that?" See, you would know these things if you didn't lock yourself in the Possum Van.

RED GREEN: Oh, come on now.

HAROLD GREEN: You did!

RED GREEN: None of that stuff matters, Harold. As long as they spell our names right.

HAROLD GREEN: {takes the paper from Red} Did you even bother to read the article? Look at this, the town wants to demolish the Lodge!

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, that's– they do that. They put those sensational headlines in there, like, "Man Marries His Own Sister". Then you read the article and they guy's like a minister, and he married his sister to some other guy. Y'know? {points to something on the paper} See, lookit, look what they do. They try to make us look worse! See? Beside our article, they got a picture of a scrap yard there, for gosh sakes.

HAROLD GREEN: That's an aerial view of the Lodge. {Red leans in for a closer look}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
''{Harold, Red and Arnie are sitting around a card table. One of Arnie's arms is in a cast, and his middle finger is in a splint.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today, local roofer Mr. Arnie Dogan is playing for a fantastic prize of an ant farm. {laughs and holds up the ant farm, which appears to be empty} Yeah! {starts scratching himself while talking} And the best part about this ant farm is that it comes with a colony of ants! Inside. You can see them inside there. Well, you can't see them now, they must be hiding or camera-shy or something like that, y'know. {suddenly jumps and scratches himself harder} But they're all there!

''{Harold suddenly looks alarmed for a moment, then grins blankly before snapping back and setting the ant farm down. He picks up the word sign.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Arnie Dogan to say this word:

''{Arnie attempts to cover his face and ears with his good arm. Harold shows the sign to the audience.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Friend. Friend.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. {sets the sign down} Go!

RED GREEN: All right, Arnie, someone you see a lot.

ARNIE DOGAN: The ambulance driver.

RED GREEN: No, say, okay, okay, after work, you go out for a drink, you take a...

ARNIE DOGAN: Neck brace.

RED GREEN: No, no, I'm talking about the person you're with.

ARNIE DOGAN: Oh, my orthopedic surgeon.

RED GREEN: All right, this is a very special person in your life.

ARNIE DOGAN: Kidney donor?

RED GREEN: {annoyed} Never leaves your side, Arnie.

ARNIE DOGAN: My I.V. bag.

RED GREEN: Always there for you, buddy.

ARNIE DOGAN: Oh! Bedpan.

HAROLD GREEN: Almost out of time, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Arnie, can you get your mind off of doctors and hospital equipment?

ARNIE DOGAN: Hey, Red, the medical profession's the best friend I ever had! {continues talking}

RED GREEN: There we go! {starts ringing the bell}

{Harold continues to scratch himself and rubs his back against the wall}

Plot Segment 2
RED GREEN: {walking into the Lodge} Man! Bad press will kill you, I'm telling ya. Now the town council's got a court order that if we don't clean up the Lodge, they're gonna tear it down! On top of that, I got this weird cult that has shown up because they looked at the picture and they see some sacred image or something that– {waves his arms} I don't know! I mean, they're– they're nuts! They wear these striped robes and they say they're from outer space, so I sent Harold out to talk to 'em.

{Harold runs into the Lodge dressed in a striped robe.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red! Uncle Red! Y'know what? Y'know what? I talked to 'em, I talked to 'em. {Red gestures at Harold's robe} What? Oh, yeah, I know what you're thinking, but no, I didn't join their cult or anything. I'm infiltrating them! {laughs} Yeah! Yeah! I'm gaining their confidence.

RED GREEN: Well, you're losing mine, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh no, they're really cool, actually, they say their ancestors came here from the planet Gorgon in a distant galaxy.

RED GREEN: You sure it wasn't in a Ford Galaxy, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: No, I believe 'em, though, I believe 'em! Yeah, they said their mothership's coming back for them real soon, y'know, and they believe that Possum Lodge is their departure lounge.

RED GREEN: Aw, Harold, come on. These are not rational people, Harold, all right? These are weirdos. These are losers, Harold. Now, go right back out there, and you tell them that the last bus for Gorgon left about three weeks ago, and maybe they should warp themselves out to Port Asbestos and get some dilithium crystals, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you go tell them that! Y'know, they call you the Grand Master.

RED GREEN: What? Pardon me?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! Yeah, they say because you're the Lodge leader, you must be all-knowing, all-powerful, all-seeing. Y'know, they'll do your bidding, you're the Grand Master.

RED GREEN: Shouldn't you be bowing when you speak to me?

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Yeah, oh okay, yeah. {sarcastically} Sorry, Grand Master! {bows deeply toward the camera}

RED GREEN: I'll go talk to them. {starts walking for the door, looks back} Harold, either do the back-up or put some pants on, for gosh sakes! {walks out}

Real World References

 * At the start of the episode, Red refers to Greenpeace, a famous environmental organization.
 * Dilithium crystals are the primary power source of the starships in the Star Trek universe.