He-Man Contest/Transcript

The complete transcript for He-Man Contest

Intro
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, there are clips of the show, followed by an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshots appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.}''

''{The camera moves through the Lodge from a back room, cluttered with various items, as it goes out into the main room of the Lodge. All the while, Harold introduces the show.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Once again, it's time for the show that everybody's talking about! The show that caught the nation's attention and it's at the top of the critics' list. {low voice} Well, I didn't say which list, so it's really not false advertising, okay? {normal voice} It's "The Red Green Show"! And now, please give a warm welcome for your host with the most, and my uncle, Red Green!

''{By now, the camera has reached the lobby. Red enters through the front door, waving to the audience, who applauds. Harold gives a thumbs-up to him.}''

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Thank you very much, Harold. {to audience} Thank you and, uh, welcome to the show. We got a heck of a show for you this week. Uh, we have a story about– We have a He-Man contest up here at the Lodge, with, uh, first prize being a truss. And then, later on, uh, Wayne Gretzky is gonna drop by.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, uh, he had to cancel.

RED GREEN: What? I thought he was dropping by.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, it's just, you know, it's all tentative on a few things.

RED GREEN: What things?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know, like, if we can get through to him, you know, and he hadn't seen the show, and, uh, you know, just hoping that he knew what he was getting in to. Stuff like just things! Okay? {walks up close to Red}

RED GREEN: {to audience} Well, uh, this here is my nephew, Harold, and, uh, more importantly, my producer and director and, uh, up until now, uh, had been in charge of booking the guests for the show. But, uh, anyway, we've still got Karen Kain coming. We're gonna do some moose hunting–

HAROLD GREEN: {clearing his throat loudly} No. {clearing his throat again} No. No, it's not. Well... Well, let's– let's just– Well, she's not gonna be here, as you might think. You know, like, in person.

RED GREEN: What happened, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know, this and that and those and them and... She's washing her hair. And among other things.

RED GREEN: {sighs} Oh, well, not to worry, I've still got my story about the He-Man contest.

HAROLD GREEN: And we've always got these special effects.

''{Harold plays his switcher. The scene gets twisted around. Harold laughs.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, I'll start with the story, and then we can save the dipsy-doodles for when we're trying to kill dead air.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay. {plays his switcher to trigger the next segment}

RED GREEN: Well, my story isn't dead air, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: I made a judgment call, Uncle Red.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * I have an old wood stove,
 * Belonged to my dad.

HAROLD GREEN: Dad.

RED GREEN:
 * It was the best darn wood stove
 * That he ever had.

HAROLD GREEN: Sure.

RED GREEN:
 * It hisses and cracks
 * And burns things real bad.
 * It belches and smokes,
 * But then, so did my dad.

{Red plays a note on the guitar, which sounds sour.}

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Does this sound in tune to you?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, except when you play it.

Handyman Corner
''{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another area of the Lodge, where Red is standing next to a stove, instead of a workbench.}''

RED GREEN: This week, uh, in, uh, Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you what you can do with an old stove. And I'm not referring to any member of your family here. Uh, maybe you've got, uh, one of these out in the garage or in the bomb shelter or maybe you were lucky enough where somebody left you a stove. But whatever the reason, uh, I'm gonna show you today something you can do with these, and I think you're gonna be pretty darn impressed with it. Now, first off, we have to dismantle the stove, so step number one, of course, is to loosen all the hardware.

''{Red picks up a sledgehammer and hits the stove with it. It shakes and the stove tops become displaced.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, now, uh, she has failed to de-constitute into her primary components. So, I think, for that, we've no other choice, uh... {picks up an acetylene torch} ...other than to take the torch to her. This should, uh, this should do it.

''{Red squeezes the torch. Gas spews out of the hose. He then tries to light it, using a cigarette lighter, but it doesn't seem to be working.}''

RED GREEN: You know, uh, this could blow out the tubes in the camera when this baby lights up. You guys might wanna just, uh, pan off to the side there, and, uh, I don't want any problems or anything.

''{The camera pans over away from Red toward an empty wall. Red continues to try and light the torch. Suddenly, there is a flash of light and an explosion. Red then walks over to the camera.}''

RED GREEN: Well, uh, torch doesn't seem to be operational. I guess Harold was futzing around with the settings on it. So I gotta find some other way of taking the stove apart. {walks back over to stove, picks up handsaw} Might as well just use the old-fashioned hands-on approach.

''{Red tries vigorously to saw through the stove, but it doesn't appear to be cutting. Wipe to a later scene. The stove appears to have been cut up. Red puts a wire on the cut-up stove, which now resembles a reclining chair.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, well, I got her all taken apart. I took the top off, took the back off, and I think you're gonna be surprised at what we've got here. {shows a bungee cord tied across the oven door} I got a bungee cord wrapped around the door. And let me show you how this works. {looks down at door at base of stove} Down here, what used to be the oven drawer, {opens drawer} this is now a magazine rack. {reaches inside} So we get ourselves a magazine... {looks at magazine} No, not that magazine, that's Harold's magazine. He's growing up, isn't he? {takes out magazine; walks around to front of stove} Walk around the front... {picks up disassembled stove controls} We pick up the control module... We're gonna need that in a minute. {bends down, pulls out oven rack} Pull out the oven rack, which is now gonna be a leg rack. There's a bit of a clue there. Okay, now we ease ourselves down. You're not gonna believe this. {sits down in stove recliner} Alright, lean back. {leans back against stove door, which has bungee cord wrapped around it} We now have a beautiful, comfortable reclining chair. {puts control panel on his legs} And as an added feature, I've got out the control panel, set her for "bun warmer", {turns on stove with panel; a humming sound is heard} and by golly, I'm here for the evening. So until next time, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

{Red picks up Harold's magazine and starts reading it.}

Commercial bumper
{Red and Harold stand in the Lodge, looking directly into the camera.}

RED GREEN: We'll be right back after this commercial break with more about the He-Man contest story.

HAROLD GREEN: If you have children, get them out of the room NOW! Just in case! {laughs} I would.

''{Cut back to Red in his stove reclining chair. He hears something crackling.}''

RED GREEN: What's that smell?

Red and Harold On Life
{Red and Harold walk along through the woods, each holding a fishing pole and tackle box.}

RED GREEN: Boy, did you see the game last night?

HAROLD GREEN: I was rather disturbed by it.

RED GREEN: Oh, well, did you see that check?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah.

RED GREEN: Huh? Right into the boards? I think it was just his head, but his head split (?).

HAROLD GREEN: His definitely was!

RED GREEN: Oh!

HAROLD GREEN: The amount of blood. I would definitely say something was wrong.

RED GREEN: Oh, he had a headache there, didn't he?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, today, he's gonna wake up and go through the assault that happened last night.

RED GREEN: You wanna believe it.

HAROLD GREEN: There's too much violence in this world, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Oh!

HAROLD GREEN: You seem to be advocating...

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Don't!

HAROLD GREEN: ...the feeling I get from you and your friends when you– when you stand up and cheer, "Way to go!", I figured you like that–

RED GREEN: Well, it's a commitment to the– you know, to your team. You either support your team or you don't support your team.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but I don't know which team you like. You like the team that seems to be stronger. That's sort of a gladiator sport

RED GREEN: {overlapping} Well, there's a bulletin, huh? I like the team that's stronger. What, you think I like a loser?

HAROLD GREEN: No, I wouldn't say, like, losers, but sometimes you like the guy who gets his head into the boards, and he's the loser. So like–

RED GREEN: I don't like him. I don't– No, no, I don't like him. I think that it's you have to make a commitment to a sport. You're there, in there, and it's war. That's not a sport, that's war.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, how do you practice a sport like that? You just kinda skate into the boards?

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, you start with your own family, first of all. You know.

HAROLD GREEN: Start small.

RED GREEN: Yeah. {walking off} Come on, I'll show you.

HAROLD GREEN: All right.

RED GREEN: Take your glasses off.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

The Winter of Our Discount Tent
''{Red sits next to a camping tent in snow, dressed in a heavy parka. He reads from a book.}''

RED GREEN: It is winter. A friend hits you in the face with a snowball. And as it melts, you become aware that he has a new puppy.

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: So as I was saying, we had this, uh, He-Man contest, and it's kind of interesting how we put it together. Uh, we had each guy come up with an event, and then the rule being that he had to go first on his own event. That way, the guys wouldn't, y'know, rig up the equipment so that it wouldn't fall apart and then everybody would get killed just so they'd win.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, y'know, this is a really interesting story, it really is, but some viewers might find it boring. Unless, of course, they find it offensive, y'know, and that's not better. So why don't we just tell them that there were some winners and some losers and some injuries, and that way, we can just get right on with the next film clip.

RED GREEN: Well, I think the viewers would at least like to see what the events were, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, that's a good idea. {plays his switcher to segue into the next segment}

RED GREEN: Well, I– I didn't get to tell them what the events were.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I didn't know you meant right now.

RED GREEN: Well, when did you think I meant, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Eventually?

Visit With Hap Shaughnessy
{Red and Hap are in Hap's boat, fishing.}

RED GREEN: Well, now, Hap, this is a great day for fishing. Doesn't get any better than this.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Perfect weather conditions, as we bush pilots used to call it.

RED GREEN: Bush pilot? You were a bush pilot?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, yeah, I was one of the very best... so they tell me.

RED GREEN: What kind of plane did you have?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I wasn't a plane pilot, I was a bush pilot! I piloted bushes.

RED GREEN: Well, bushes don't fly, Hap.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {slightly annoyed} You don't have to tell me that, Red! I worked with them for five years! The lumberjacks in British Columbia, they'd cut down the trees and drag 'em down to the river, I'd build a... a raft out of a bush, and I'd pilot those trees down the river to the sawmill.

RED GREEN: Oh, so you were a lumberjack.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: It was dangerous work being a bush pilot, floating down a raging river on a shrub. And I got my logs down to the mill, intact and debarked and ready to saw.

RED GREEN: Well, that sounds like an interesting job, Hap.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah. And it paid well. And it taught me something about life; taught me how to be straight and honest with people.

RED GREEN: That's a good lesson.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: If I had learned to tell the truth, I'd still be coming down the whitewater with my legs wrapped around the Douglas-fir. What kind of life is that?

RED GREEN: Tenuous.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: That's for sure.

Red's Campfire Song 2
{Red is playing guitar singing a parody of the theme song from the classic CBS program "The Beverly Hillbillies" (1962-1971) while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * I'll tell you the story 'bout Lumberjack Mort.
 * He was well over 40, stocky and short.
 * He could clear a whole forest in less than a week.
 * But take away his bulldozer, he'd be up a creek.

Male Call
''{Harold is sitting in another room in the lodge. Red enters.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Uncle Red, you're gonna be sorry you came in here this week. The viewer mail is really personal. Haw! {holds out the envelope} Feel the paper. That's nice paper.

RED GREEN: J– Just read the letter, Harold, will ya?

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. This is really neat paper. {opens envelope and reads letter} "Dear Red, I am an older gentleman who finds himself lonely for female companionship." Haw! "How do I meet a nice, respectable woman who shares my interest and is looking for a serious romance? And how do I keep it from my wife? Signed, Señor Sweemer." Must be Mexican.

RED GREEN: Yeah, right. Well, okay, I'm gonna talk to the TV viewer here. {to camera} You are sincere here if you really are looking for a woman who's probably, uh, kinda lonesome herself; a woman who's dying for a little romance, a little companionship. Uh, if you looking for a lady who you could love and who could love you back, uh, who is serious about, uh, having romance, uh, I suggest you that talk to your own wife.

HAROLD GREEN: That was really nice. That was great! {laughs}

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, I figure that his wife is bound to a lot of woman or her own... {unintelligible}

HAROLD GREEN: {scoffs} Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: He can put you on... It's just that when you do tell her, just say that you're asking for a friend.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, please! I thought maybe we were talking about having a fair and stronger relationship with his own wife! Come on, jeepers, I thought that's where you were going with that!

RED GREEN: Well, it sounds like the guy is a jerk and I was just trying to give his wife a break.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! Oh, yeah, I thought that, too. It's all... Well, we got time for one other letter. {takes out a second letter} So, um.... {reads} "Dear Red, lately, I've had a problem in the marital department. My wife is an attractive and desirable woman, but it seems that whenever she's in a lovin' mood–" {stops reading; laughs}

RED GREEN: Take it easy, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I've got a grip. {resumes reading} "And when she's in a lovin' mood, I'm not! What's wrong with me? Will this go away? Is it the kiwi fruit?" {looks over to Red}

RED GREEN: Well, we had time for the letter, but unfortunately, we don't have time for the answer.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, we do.

RED GREEN: No, the next segment's coming up right away, so...

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Are you sure?

RED GREEN: Yeah, any second now, and it's too bad, too, 'cause I really, uh, really wanted to answer that letter.

''{Red and Harold both sit, waiting expectantly. But nothing happens. Everything is silent. The audience laughs.}''

RED GREEN: {after a long pause} Well, okay, maybe we'll get a chance to answer that one next time. {to Harold} That's too bad.

The Winter of Our Discount Tent 2
''{Red sits next to a camping tent in snow, dressed in a heavy parka. He reads from a book.}''

RED GREEN: It is winter. My wife snuggles close. "Put a log on the fire," she whispers. I do. It sizzles and pops, it crackles and snaps and fizzles, it shakes and yelps and runs away whimpering. Log? I thought she said, "Dog".

Harold's Segment
{Red and Harold stand in another area of the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: Uh, early on in the planning stages of our show, it was suggested that we have something different, some kind of feature. You know, just as long as it was unique, it didn't matter if it wasn't any good.

{Red walks off to the side and sits down, leaving Harold standing.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay! Um, shopping with your mom! Uh, yes, I realize that this isn't, like, up there with world hunger or peace or, y'know, who's better (?). But it's important to me! {looks toward Red, then back to camera} No one should have to go shopping with your mom, especially since I need a sales girl from high school. {annoyed look} She had to measure me, and mum kept saying, "He wears small pants." Haw! That killed! I don't blame the sales girl for laughing. But for fifteen minutes?! There should be a lock... Y'know, there should be, like, some respect for people's privacy, and there should be a lock in those change room doors so the door doesn't bust open when you bend over to pick your pants! I don't care how ridiculous that point of view is, it's mine. Haw! Thank you.

Commercial bumper
{Red and Harold stand in the lodge, looking directly into the camera.}

RED GREEN: We'll be right back with lots more fun and lots more guests and the exciting conclusion of the He-Man contest story.

HAROLD GREEN: There's a pretty good chance he could be exaggerating.

{Cut back to Red and Bill as they struggle against the wind with reassembling the house made out of the ice sheets, which effortlessly break and disintegrate.}

Red and Harold On Life 2
{Red and Harold walk across a wooden bridge, each holding a fishing pole and tackle box.}

RED GREEN: Harold, I'll tell ya something, the world is in trouble, because we got too many people that got university degree and they don't know anything about life.

HAROLD GREEN: That's true.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah. I do like time in school. Don't stay in school too much, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: But then, I'd have no goal–

RED GREEN: You learn how to read, you learn how to write, you learn how to count up to, say, eleven, and, uh, that's enough.

HAROLD GREEN: But that's not enough to a dozen. You gotta be able to count up to twelve, 'cause that's a dozen. You gotta be able to know how many words you got in your– in your– in your–

RED GREEN: Easy.

HAROLD GREEN: That's true. But... what about all those teachers that wouldn't have jobs or nothin' or... like that?

RED GREEN: Well, they'd have to find, y'know, something productive to do.

HAROLD GREEN: That's true. They'd have to actually go into the world that they're talking about.

RED GREEN: Well, now, there's a statement, isn't it, eh?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, a statement! {laughs}

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: But, see, I can make statements, 'cause I went to school and I know how!

RED GREEN: Well, statements are worth, you know what, squat.

HAROLD GREEN: Squat statements? You say it like they're little ones?

RED GREEN: Well, yeah. But they get to the point. And the thing you hear is, you take one of your teachers and you put one of them up here in the lodge, and how long are they gonna last?

HAROLD GREEN: A week?

RED GREEN: {as they walk off} I have no idea.

Visit With Jack the Hermit
{Red walks up to a rock-studded hole in the ground and bends down to look into it.}

RED GREEN: {calling into hole} Jack! Jack, c'mon up here! I know you're in there, Jack.

{Jack the Hermit climbs up through the hole and looks up at Red.}

JACK THE HERMIT: What do you want?

RED GREEN: Well, nothin', I just wanted to know how you were doing, that's all.

JACK THE HERMIT: How do you mean?

RED GREEN: Well, I was wondering how you– how you were adjusting, Jack. Y'know, took a look from being... Uh, you ain't exactly been the family man to being a cave-dwelling hermit.

JACK THE HERMIT: My wife sent you, didn't she? Now, let me tell you something, Red: I know people are laughing at me, a lot of people, but they laughed at Christopher Columbus, too. And if it wasn't for him, we'd all be Italian. So I don't mind that people are laughing at me, because they laugh at Columbus.

RED GREEN: Did they?

JACK THE HERMIT: ...Didn't they?

RED GREEN: I have no idea, but–

JACK THE HERMIT: I'm sure some smug jerk did, always laughing. You know, they laughed at me when I came up here.

RED GREEN: Yeah...

JACK THE HERMIT: They laughed at me when I went into advertising after college and laughed at me when I played field hockey in high school. That's their problem now.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, I– I– I guess what you're saying is that you're not just kinda skulking around in your cave {Jack sighs and sways his head in annoyance} for the sake of your health, eh? Huh?

JACK THE HERMIT: I am not skulking, Red.

RED GREEN: Alright...

JACK THE HERMIT: Y'know, I stand tall. Except– Except down in right at the back, it's very low, with the roof, and that's my TV room, but other than that, I don't skulk anywhere.

RED GREEN: All right, all right.

JACK THE HERMIT: No skulking.

RED GREEN: Uh, Jack, the guys at the lodge were wanting to know how long exactly you plan on being up here.

JACK THE HERMIT: Well, basically, until the religious fanatics are warmongering dictators that have destroyed the world. See, then I'll come down through my hole in the hill and be king of all I survey.

RED GREEN: Oh.

JACK THE HERMIT: And then I'll just kinda, uh, wing it from there, depending on what I survey.

RED GREEN: Yeah, I see, yeah.

JACK THE HERMIT: I'll tell ya, though, if the cities are still in good shape...

RED GREEN: Mm-hmm...

JACK THE HERMIT: Uh, I think I'm gonna turn them into a theme park.

RED GREEN: Well, it sounds like you're gonna be up here for a long, long while, then.

JACK THE HERMIT: I hope not, I only have enough food for six weeks, so... Y'know, Christopher Columbus, he didn't have these the problems. The queen gave money. {laughs awkwardly} Old Jack's doing this on his own.

RED GREEN: Oh, well, if it would help, Jack, I could– I could lend you, like, twenty bucks or something.

JACK THE HERMIT: I'm sorry, Red, I no longer recognize your currency. It's– It's meaningless paper. Y'know, a useless symbol of a civilized nation gone awry.

RED GREEN: Oh. Well, uh, {clears throat} I have some McDonald's coupons. What about those?

JACK THE HERMIT: Sure. Sure, I'll use those.

RED GREEN: Help yourself, eh? {hands Jack a couple of coupons} Here you go. Yep.

JACK THE HERMIT: Thanks.

RED GREEN: 'Kay.

JACK THE HERMIT: {pauses awkwardly} Now bug off. {goes down into his cave}

RED GREEN: {calling into cave} Uh, Jack! Those coupons are for McRibs!

JACK THE HERMIT: {inside cave} Darn! {throws coupons out of cave}

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Anyway, I just wanted to tell how the, uh, He-Man contest, uh, worked out. It was kind of fun. First event was Old Man Sedgewick's tooth race, and the way that worked was you had to take your teeth out, put 'em on the floor, stand on 'em, pick 'em up, put 'em back in your mouth. And, uh, actually, Old Man Sedgewick won that one because he's the only one that has dentures. Nobody came in second, although Moose Thompson managed to loosen three molars for an honorable mention. And then, uh, Buster Hadfield had the beer chug-a-lugging contest, uh, which we all won. The lake was the only loser on that one. And then, we got the kinda interesting event, the one that I came up with, which was a hundred-yard dash backwards through the woods, blindfolded. And Stinky Peterson won that in fifteen seconds flat. Unfortunately, we lost Junior Singleton for the rest of the games. But that was a heck of a day. We all had a real good time, and, uh, hey, it worked out well. I mean, Junior Singleton is actually still getting, uh, getting some fresh air. Every once in a while at night, we kinda hear him go by the lodge. Blindfold's on tight, I'll tell ya. Anyway, {clears throat} that's about it for this week. {waves to camera} So if my wife is watching, I'll be home soon, and, uh, if Junior Singleton's wife is watching, uh, he's gonna be late. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and, uh... {looks and gestures toward Harold}

HAROLD GREEN: Harold!

RED GREEN: Yeah, whatever. {back to camera} ...and the rest of the guys up at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice.

{Harold walks up closer to Red as the camera pulls away from them.}