The Science Fair/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Science Fair

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! Ha-ha! And now, here's the man who left his body to science, his wardrobe to history, and his personality to chance, your hero, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

{Red enter the lodge amid the audience's cheering.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much, huh? By golly! All right! {raises his arms to tone down cheering} Save yourselves, you got a family, alright? {cheering ends} Well, you know, every time this year up at the lodge, the guys start making their own beer or making their own wine. Guess it's just their way of giving back to the system. Now, this one fella has made a real interesting batch. Doesn't taste too bad.

HAROLD GREEN: Is it wine or is it beer?

RED GREEN: Kinda hard to tell, Harold. I'd say it's either a sparkling wine or a light beer.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, what does it say on the label?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Um, "American Standard". Yeah, well, it's still in the bathtub, right? Yeah. {back to camera} Actually, it's brewing away right now.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red} The bathtub?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: The bath– Uncle Red, that's my science experiment for the school science fair.

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I'm pickling pollywogs.

RED GREEN: Oh, come on, Harold, it tastes way too good for that. Besides, why would you put all those olives in there?

HAROLD GREEN: Those are the pollywogs.

{Red suddenly looks sick and keels over, holding his hands in his mouth.}

Title sequence
''{The New Red Green Show intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red, Harold and Hap seated at a table. They all start laughing. Hap slaps his hands on the table and points at Harold.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} What you're looking at now is a bunch of segments from this particular show.

''{Cut to a shot of Red holding a telescope and Harold trying to weld some metal to a crystal radio he's making, only to accidentally burn his finger. Harold stumbles in pain, shaking his hand.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} The main message being, "For gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel."

''{Cut to a shot of Red trying to cut a piece of wood in half with a table saw, the blade supposedly at a 45-degree. He is trying to create that angle in the wood. After cutting through the wood, he reshapes the wood into a 90-degree, but it's off too much.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell ya something, if you wanna make sense outta this program,

{Cut to a shot of Dalton talking in front of an audience during a meeting of Men Anonymous.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...you gotta give it your undivided attention.

Plot Segment 2
{Red and Harold enter the lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: I can't believe you guys! You drank my entire science experiment right out of the tub! Moose– Moose licked the ring and ate the plug!

RED GREEN: Relax, Harold. You can just make something else.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Like– Like, it was a whole ecology, you know? Now I got twelve lodge members in a belching contest.

RED GREEN: If you were smart, you'd work that into the project. That's marsh gas. I'll tell you what, Harold, why don't you and I do a project together? You know, toxic wastes, the ozone layer or something?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, we could, but no, thanks. I had my heart set on winning this contest, so... Girls like guys who look like scientists. {smiles}

RED GREEN: Well, that could be, but you look more like an experiment, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly; excitedly} Oh! I know what I can do! I know what I can do! I know what I can do! I know what I can do. I can do it. I'll do, like, astronomy. That's what I'll do. I'll, like, grind my own lenses, silver my own mirror, {pretends to look into a telescope with both hands} and I'll line the focal planes and make a telescope! Haw! Yeah.

RED GREEN: {excited} That sounds like fun! {runs toward door} I'll get some duct tape!

HAROLD GREEN: {stopping Red} No, no, no! No. No, see, adults aren't allowed to help you, either. {continues to pretend to look through a telescope}

RED GREEN: All right, Harold, you just grind your hovel to your heart's content, all right? {turns to leave}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

RED GREEN: {leaving, then turning to face Harold} I'm gonna make my own telescope.

HAROLD GREEN: All right.

RED GREEN: {leaving, then again facing Harold} I think I can be a great astronomer, Harold. {reaches front door}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, he's always been good at staring off into space.

''{Red opens the door, but turns and stares at Harold when he says that. Red holds the door open as he stares.}''

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to "The Possum Lodge Word Game"! Where tonight's grand prize is a weekend for two at the solitaire championships! {walks over to the card table where Red and Mike sit} Okay, Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Mike Hamar to say this word...

{Mike covers his ears while Harold holds up a sign that says the word, which is...}

HAROLD GREEN: Father. {starts to set sign down on table, but notices Mike uncovering his ears; Mike hastily recovers them} Father. {sets sign down on table; giggles} And go. {steps back}

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, your mother is married to...

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, her job. Exotic dancing's her life.

RED GREEN: Alright, okay, okay, I'm talking about, the man who take of you when you were young was your...

MIKE HAMAR: {nodding perplexedly} ...truant officer.

RED GREEN: {looks up} No, this– this is a family member, Mike. The man who slept with your mother.

MIKE HAMAR: {stares} Could you be more specific?

RED GREEN: {looking away for a few seconds} Okay, growing up with just a mom, you knew you had a...

MIKE HAMAR: ...curfew.

RED GREEN: Another word for "daddy".

MIKE HAMAR: Lifer.

RED GREEN: {looks perplexed, then brightens up} Alright, alright, Mike, if your wife has kids, you'll be...

MIKE HAMAR: {shaking head} ...long gone.

RED GREEN: {looks disappointed, then brightens up again, shaking his finger} Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Just like your...

MIKE HAMAR: ...father.

RED GREEN: There we go!

''{Red rapidly rings a bell on the table to end the game. Harold points to Mike, who smiles and makes excited gestures.}''

Commercial bumper
''{Red holds up a huge crystal radio. Harold runs over and reaches his hand out to touch, but Red snatches it away and Harold hastily pulls back his hand.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we got lots more of it.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Need to talk to you ladies to help you understand why we men do some of the things we do. For example, not stopping for directions when we're lost. Okay, primarily, it's a pride thing: we're out there in our own vehicles, burnin' gas, got the sunglasses on, lookin' good, you know? People see us going by would never guess that we have no idea where we are. And we're not real excited about sharing that information. {nods} A man does not embrace the concept of going up to total strangers and saying, "You may not know this, but I'm a moron." Whereas the woman that he's with is only too happy to share that information. I think it helps to ease her burden a little. See, to a woman, getting lost when you're on a trip is just a blameless act of nature. But to a man, it's a sign of personal failure. He knew where he was when he left; he doesn't know where he is now. All right, somewhere along the way, he crossed the line between the world he knows and the world he doesn't know. That's exactly the way he feels about when he got married {pauses} and when he had kids. So if he admits he's lost in his car, he's gonna have to admit he's lost in those other areas as well. {nods again, shakes head} That's way too much to ask. So just sit there, bite your tongue, circle the block a coupla times. Men aren't lost, they just take the long way. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, if you see a big fat dog
 * Waddling down the road,
 * Don't you be too critical
 * Of his extra-wide load.
 * If you've ever tasted dog food,
 * You gotta tip your hat
 * To an animal who could actually overeat
 * On a diet of crap like that.

Men Anonymous
''{Dalton stands up at the podium at the head of the Men Anonymous meeting. Harold stands by his right side and Red sits in a chair next to Harold.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: My name is, uh, Dalton Humphrey.

{Harold turns toward the audience and makes gestures toward them.}

EVERYONE: {responding to Harold's motions} Hi, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Uh, it's been two weeks since I last acted like a guy. Uh, this week, uh... {leans head down, then looks up again, smiling} This week, I did something I'm pretty proud of. As a first for me, I did laundry.

HAROLD GREEN: {impressed} Whoa! {everyone applauds}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Washing, drying, the whole nine yards! You know what I realized? Is– Is that– It w– It was– {points to his head} The problem was in my head, you know? It was– It was– It was my attitude. You know, if you... If you change your attitude, you know, you can change the whole world.

{Harold points to Dalton, who points back.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: So– Exa– So, you know, I didn't– I didn't think about it like as if it was washing clothes. I thought about it like it was restoring clothes. See, refinishing a shirt. Renovating a pair of pants. And see, it wasn't a chore. This was a project.

HAROLD GREEN: Ohhh!

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, and– and– and I– I– I didn't even call it a washer and a dryer, you know, because these were my– my tools! These were my power tools! My big power tools! I called them a dirt stripper! And a heat turbine! Stand back, kids, Dad's using the heat turbine! {laughs} You know what? There is no rule that says a washer and a dryer have to be white. Why don't they make them black or brown, you know, like a radio arm saw or a jointer, for heaven sakes? You know what the upside of all this is? My wife was thrilled. Two loads of laundry! She's– She's happy, she's– she was friendly!

HAROLD GREEN: Whoa!

DALTON HUMPHREY: That's right, and I'm gonna surprise her. I'm surprising her right now, by washing all of her woolen sweaters. I can't wait to see the look on her face when I pull those babies outta the dryer! {laughs} It'll be something!

{Everyone applauds, Harold doing so nervously.}