The Schoolhouse Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Men

is what they have

in their drawers.

It's not smart or correct,

but it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

on today's show,

special guest dave thomas

watches his brother

get something off his finger,

I make a political statement,

bill tries his hand and his foot

at football,

we catch glen braxton

in the middle of a busy day,

and I'm gonna show you

how to swing

through your public-school days.

And now here's the man

with millions of viewers,

thousands of followers,

hundreds of friends,

dozens of in-laws,

and only one nephew --

mr. Red green!

[ cheers and applause ]

wa-a-a!

[ howling ]

thank you.

Things are very good up

at possum lodge this week.

Not perfect, but very good.

And here's the reason

they're not perfect --

my nephew, harold.

[ splat! Boing! Splat! ]

oh, boy.

Well, we got a big thing

going on here.

We're all gonna meet downtown

and figure out a way to fix up

the possum lake area.

Oh, we're gonna lynch

the mayor?

No, no, harold.

We're gonna save the old

one-room schoolhouse.

Couple of yuppies

put an offer in on it

to buy it and turn it into one

of them quaint country stores.

Man, I hate those places.

You know, when you get

the little jelly jars,

there's enough jam in there

for one slice of toast.

Or they got the canadian

souvenir fridge magnets

made in taiwan.

Or that yuppie ice cream

costs a fortune,

got names like dugen fnern

or squeezen bjorden

or something, you know?

And, of course, no vanilla.

No, no, no.

They got "sinfulicky decadent

chocolatey mocha" crapola.

I don't know.

So we're gonna nip this thing

in the bud

before this quaintness

can get a toehold.

We're gonna try and get the --

the schoolhouse to be taken over

by the township,

and they can pay

for getting it fixed up.

You know, I think

that building was contaminated

with, like, lead or zirconium

or something.

It's got --

it's got bad air.

You know, it just drained all

the intelligence right out of us

like those alien space-pod

people did in those old movies.

[ slurps ]

oh, yeah.

It's 150 years old,

and it's full of history

there, too.

Junior singleton

invented the wedgie

during recess one day.

Hi, this is winston rothschild

reminding you

"your sewage

is our bread and butter."

[ clothesline squeaking ]

♪ oh, we're heading for the

cottage at the break of dawn ♪

♪ got our seatbelts buckled

and our helmets on ♪

♪ daddy's in a bad mood,

mommy's in a funk ♪

♪ got the boat on the roof

and the dog in the trunk ♪

♪ oh, we're heading

to the cottage ♪

♪ and the traffic's

getting tight ♪

♪ car's getting hot,

and there's gonna be a fight ♪

♪ so I'm staring out

at the window ♪

♪ being as quiet as I get ♪

♪ 'cause I don't want

my last words to be ♪

♪ "are we there yet?" ♪

[ water splashes ]

all right, all right.

You had a family get-together

on the weekend,

and you realized

that your grandson

is being raised

by a moron.

Imbecile son-in-law.

It's a common affliction.

Well, he married your daughter.

There was a tip-off.

But now it's serious 'cause

there's offspring involved.

Little rascal needs a dad,

needs kind of a firm hand,

tradition.

Yeah, and you're afraid

that your knee-jerk son-in-law

is not gonna raise the kid

the way you would.

Maybe not gonna let him

play with guns.

Not ever gonna let him

throw the first punch...

Or even the second.

Preferring soccer to baseball

is very, uh, european.

Don't worry.

The kid'll probably grow up,

toughen up,

and stop listening to his dad.

Like we did.

Absolutely.

Maybe get arrested

a couple of times, you know?

Nothing serious,

just enough to make him a man.

Worth five years

in university.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

My dad never hugged me,

never held my hand,

and I turned out

all right.

Men should not

touch men.

So just give it time.

Hopefully,

the kid'll come around.

We did.

Oh, yeah.

[ quacking ]

this attempt to save possum lake

schoolhouse from demolition

has got me thinking

about one of the main things

that's wrong with the schools.

Look at this desk.

No wonder I spent so many years

in grade six.

This desk isn't built

for a 17-year-old kid.

And what about the kid

of today, huh?

Where's he gonna put

his computer?

Up here?

Don't think so.

Or how about a semiautomatic?

No way.

So he ends up sitting there

in school

bored out of his mind

while he waits for recess --

6 hours of drudgery

for 10 minutes of enjoyment.

Sort of like a honeymoon.

Well, I say you go

into the playground

there at the schoolyard,

take the swings down,

and bring them inside,

start making school fun

for the kids.

Well, this makes a lot

more sense, doesn't it?

Kid doesn't have to

sit still, huh?

He can move around,

go over and get something

from the cloak room...

Or go up and check

what's on the blackboard.

Or he could sneak up

behind another kid

and check his answers.

And if the teacher says,

"come on up

to the front of the class,"

well, hey,

you don't have to wait.

Oh, boy!

[ crash ]

all right. Now,

this gives me another idea.

You're gonna need some type of

a flat surface to use as a desk.

What about a door?

More specifically...

This door.

You're gonna have to put

longer ropes on the swing,

and you're gonna have to cut

a square hole

in the bottom of the door.

I already made a pilot hole

with my leg.

[ groans ]

so, you take the extra ropes

you've added to the swing,

and you tie one to each side

of the door.

That way, the kid

can be sitting there,

swinging his way

through his abc's.

Suddenly, the teacher says,

"okay, time for desk work."

no problem.

And it's 100% adjustable

to whatever height you want,

depending on how much weight

you put on the seat.

You can even

make yourself invisible.

That way you can make faces

at the teacher.

Finally a desk

that reflects the attitude

of today's teenagers.

So remember -- if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Or on a hot summer's day,

how about this?

It's a nice breeze,

but it smells funny.

Stay tuned.

Bill's gonna turn himself

into an 18-wheeler

as part of

his "fun with rubber" hobby,

and harold's gonna give me

a lift into town.

I know a lot of you young people

are stuck in some lousy jobs

out there,

and, uh, you don't want

to be turning 40,

still asking people

if they want fries with that.

But the path to a better career

is not to screw up the job

you have now.

For example,

I was in one of them

fast-food places the other day,

and after I placed my order

for the third time,

it struck me that, uh,

that kid behind the counter

was probably never gonna be

running the company.

They even had the manager

helping him.

I could tell she was a manager

'cause she was 18 months older,

didn't have to wear

the paper hat.

I made the mistake

of handing them a $20 bill

just as the computer went down,

which meant they had no idea

how much change to give me.

And I just knew

I was looking at two kids

who had sat in grade-seven

math class thinking,

"hey, we're never gonna

need to know this stuff."

they stared at that $20

like they were looking

for operating instructions.

My point is, if you won't

or can't do the job you have,

no employer is gonna promote you

to the better job you want.

I mean, harold's been

my producer and director

for five years in a row.

What does that tell you?

I am winston rothschild,

reminding you,

"if the neighbors

are complainin',

better start drainin'."

call 1-800-555-suck.

Well, this project to have

possum lake public school

declared a historical site

has brought out the community

spirit in everybody.

I'm on the committee to organize

the school reunion.

We're gonna get everybody back

who's ever went there before,

and we're hoping that the five

who actually graduated

can make it, too.

You know?

How are you getting in touch

with everybody?

Well, we figure

the parole board's

the best source

of information.

So I guess you're sending out

invitations

mainly to "no fixed address,"

are you?

No, you know, we figure

anyone who went to that school,

their reading comprehension,

you know, might be in doubt.

So I'm actually -- I'm gonna

phone everybody directly.

It's scary the type of people

they allow to have phones.

But, anyway, I just told

them to meet at the

school next Saturday.

Yeah, I hope we can

figure out where the

school's gonna be,

'cause, you know,

we got to move it.

And, of course,

once that word got out

that we're moving

the school,

everybody wanted to compete

for that job.

So they got

their trucks out,

and they start showing off,

you know.

And junior singleton threw

a chain around the post office,

pulled it right off the

foundation there, you know.

And buster hadfield

dragged the town clock

from one end of the street

to the other.

Made perfect time

on that, too.

So who got the honors

of moving the school?

Well, I think it went

to junior singleton

because he had pulled

the drugstore 2 1/2 miles.

Everybody was pretty impressed

with that,

except for the druggist,

of course.

So now the next

major deal is,

who gets to keep

all the treasures

that are in the basement

underneath the school?

Underneath the school?

Oh, harold, got to be a ton

of stuff under there, right?

Old pens, inkwells,

shoes, buttons, eh?

Glass eyes, lost marbles,

harold.

A lot of the teachers lost

their marbles in that school.

Any of your stuff

gonna be under that school?

A lot of homework.

I used to jam that down through

the hole in the floorboards.

I told the teacher that the dog

ate it, you know.

But if my dog had eaten as much

homework as I said he did,

he'd be passing fire logs.

Don't adjust your set.

The show's supposed

to look like this.

Aw.

I don't know why you don't get

a better vehicle, uncle red.

You know, like one of

those new kind of vans

they're building

these days?

You know,

the kind that actually run?

Can't afford it, harold.

Ha! Just borrow the money

from the bank.

Yeah, but once you add on

the interest

and the service charge

and the humiliation

of having to tell some dolt

why you're broke,

that could be

a negative experience.

Yeah.

I go through that every week,

trying to get my allowance.

[ vehicle approaching ]

oh.

[ tires squeal ]

oh.

You know, but you'd always

have the new vehicle

to borrow against.

You know, you'd always

have that as backup.

The bank doesn't want

my van, harold.

They're in

the money business,

not the vehicle-repo

business.

Customers don't go

into the bank

to withdraw a door

from a hyundai pony.

They won't repossess it

if you keep the payments up,

and you can do that.

Maybe I can,

maybe I can't.

But worrying about it

will cramp my lifestyle.

Yeah, but you'd be

riding around in a lot

nicer vehicle. [ laughs ]

well,

with the hitchhiking,

I can be in a nicer vehicle

every couple hours,

and it's free.

Yeah, I guess so, yeah.

I suppose, if you don't count

the loss of shoes,

loss of dignity, sunstroke,

and other related injuries.

Aw, drop it, harold,

or you'll be a related injury.

Wa-a-a. Gonna be?

[ sputtering ]

well, here we are

with this week's boating tip

with glen braxton

of braxton's marina.

How are you today, glen?

Not bad at all, red,

for a --

for a guy that's had

two heart attacks...

Yeah.

...Blown-out gallbladder,

double hernia.

Plus, I got these

bad ankles, too.

I find they could be

life-threatening

if I, you know,

couldn't get to a phone

or a restaurant

or something.

Yeah, how about the boating tip

today, glen?

Well, actually, red,

it's a safety tip.

Oh, all right, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, the proper way

to refill your boat.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Okay, so what you got to do

first is shut down the engine.

Yeah,

you've done that, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

And then, next, you've got

to take off the gas cap.

Mm-hmm.

Stick the nozzle in there

and let her go.

Yeah.

So, can you get that?

Well,

it's your demonstration.

Oh, I know, red, but I'm

allergic to the smell of gas.

Oh, yeah, my eyelids will

just blow up like balloons.

It's horrible.

And I get these

big blisters, too.

All right, glen,

spare us the details.

Man. Man, oh, man,

oh, man, oh, man.

Yeah, that's it.

Just get the cap, there, red.

Yeah, thank you.

That's it.

There we go.

Okay, step 3.

Yeah.

Extinguish all open flames.

Oh, I guess that could be,

actually, step 1 or 2,

couldn't it?

I think so.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I should have

known that. [ chuckles ]

now, what do I do,

ease off on the nozzle when

I hear her filling up, there?

Uh [sighs]

well, you can, red,

but, uh, that's if the owner

of the boat's around.

If he's gone,

then just keep her going,

'cause you'll make a couple

extra bucks every fill-up.

That's a good tip for you

marine operators out there.

Well,

that's a nice touch.

You're using our show

to give rip-off advice.

I appreciate that.

Well, people want to know

this stuff, red.

I got to be

a full-service business

if I'm gonna compete with

the information superhighway.

All right, I'm done.

That's as much gas

as I can take.

Red: Bill had asked me to

meet him out on the gridiron

for one of

his favorite sports --

football.

Oh, yeah, you look great, bill.

What an athlete.

Ohh!

He was asking for that.

And now he took me over

to the blocking dummy.

Actually, you got at least two

to choose from, there.

Wanted me to try that.

One thing I didn't realize

is that...

[ doink! ]

...I really wasn't wearing

the padding.

Well, bill's

gonna show off again.

Backs way up, takes a full run

at her, and in he comes.

Wow.

Watch the aim, there,

bill. Oh!

Got her right on top

of the head.

Now, luckily, I had taken that

saint john's ambulance course,

so I knew exactly what to do

in this type of a situation.

Oh! It's a boy!

And now we try running

through the tires here.

This is something that you do

so that you'll be able

to run through tires.

I've never seen

a football player

actually run through tires.

That's a total waste

of time, but...

We got knute rockne here.

Yeah, well, you did it yourself.

And then he comes --

oh, by gosh.

Look at that style.

Look out.

Watch out, watch out.

Oh, oh, oh!

And he got himself all wound up

in the darn tires --

there he goes.

Ha ha ha!

Take him over to the big hill.

Have some fun.

[ chuckles ]

well, now, that was

a pretty nice kick,

if I do say so myself.

Unfortunately,

it's now bill's turn.

Yeah.

Got the pointed-toed

running shoes,

which are not that great

for this sport,

but they're okay for killing

bugs in the corner, I suppose.

And bill just had a birthday

where he got

all these footballs,

so he was pretty darn excited.

Unfortunately,

that one was the cake.

All right, bill,

here's a normal football.

See if you can put this

through the uprights.

Really let her go.

Really hit it.

Oh, nice kick!

Beautiful kick!

Wrong ball, bill.

Don't think that didn't hurt.

Tell you what, bill.

Why don't I have one last kick,

all right?

You hold it for me.

No, no, no.

Not just a finger.

No, wrap your hand --

I'm gonna really unload.

Wrap your hand and lean

right over it, bill.

Lean right over it.

Close your eyes and make a wish.

[ laughs ]

chalk one up for the home team.

Stay tuned.

Dougie franklin's gonna lay out

a vague theory,

and winston rothschild's

gonna suck it all up.

Harold, you missed out

on the excitement.

No sooner did we lift up

the schoolhouse,

you looked down under

there -- a skeleton

in the foundation.

It's probably just one of

those gangly white skeletons

they used to hang in

the corner of the

classroom -- you know.

You should talk.

Anyway, the big question now

is where are we gonna put

the schoolhouse.

Some say down at the park.

Some say up at rock reef point.

Maybe we could keep it here

at the lodge.

No, they're afraid

we'll wreck it by fixing it up.

We're here

with small businessman

winston rothschild

for more of his handy hints

for the entrepreneur.

Well, listen,

first of all, I resent

being called

a small businessman.

Oh, no,

I didn't mean your height.

I'm talking about the size

of your business.

I know. What's wrong

with my height?

Well, no.

No, I'm saying

you're not exactly a

multinational corporation

here, winston.

You're the only employee.

Well, listen, mr. Possum,

I mean,

just because my cash flow

has restricted my

employment-acquisition

timetable,

resulting

in a job-sharing situation,

I mean, that don't mean

I'm not thinking big.

Because after all,

thinking big --

that's the secret to success

right there.

I learned that from one of them

inspirational tapes --

"think big," by ed big.

And you know it's true.

Ed, I realized

that eventually, someday,

I could own, like,

my whole fleet

of septic-tank trains,

uh, septic supertankers,

supersonic sewage planes.

Septic space shuttles?

You see, I plan on expanding

into other businesses

that are sort of similar

in nature, eh?

That sort of,

um, I don't know,

capitalize on my experience

and expertise, eh?

[ slurping ]

oh!

Come on!

That one just did not want

to let go, eh?

Like for instance,

when youse guys asked me

to bring my truck out

earlier today,

you know, to, uh,

move the schoolhouse...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

...A lot of businesspeople

would have thought

that was just an inconvenient,

annoying imposition, eh?

Really?

Yeah, but to me, it's, oh,

so much more than that.

I look at that

as a business opportunity, eh?

[ hose sucking ]

and, uh, see,

the way I see it...

If you got

a big schoolhouse

like that

that you want to move --

no one's moved something

like that before, right?

No, no, not really.

Exactly.

So if it works for me,

all of a sudden,

I got a new business.

I'm into renovations

and restorations, eh?

I suppose. Yeah.

Well, are you kidding?

I mean, they save

old buildings, right?

May as well move

old outhouses, too.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

You know something?

We could be sitting

on a fortune.

[ chainsaw revving ]

wa-a-a! Okay.

Uh, welcome to "the experts"

portion of the show.

This week, claiming to be

experts with my uncle red

are the franklin brothers,

dougie and ben!

[ applause ]

okay. All right,

um, here's the first question.

Uh, "dear experts..."

wa-a-a!

"...If you were washed up

on a desert island,

who would you want

to have with you?"

boy, that's a tough one,

harold.

Uh, I'd want somebody who was

good with survival stuff.

Yeah. And had, uh,

wilderness skills.

Dougie:

That would be good.

Or somebody who would keep

a cool head

in what I would call

your c.S.S.,

or your crisis

situation scenario.

Well, then, I'd have to go

with gilligan.

'cause, like, he was on that

island for like three years.

And -- and -- and -- and, like,

he built all them shelters.

And there was like, you know,

it was like

a bamboo subdivision.

Excuse me, that was just a tv

show, though, mr. Franklin.

I mean, gilligan really didn't

build all those shelters.

You are some kind of idiot,

you know.

The professor built them!

Yeah, I got to -- I got to go

with dougie on this one.

Every time

they tried to escape,

gilligan always was the one

that screwed it up.

I would think the guy

you would want on your team

when you're in one of your

crisis situation scenarios

would be somebody like

the professor.

I mean, he was close

to a mechanical genius,

that feller.

You know, I mean,

he could do anything.

Remember that, uh,

record player he built?

Had, uh,

well, you remember it.

It was better than the one

they had on "the flintstones,"

you know,

that had that --

that bird with the beak

that went down.

And after the record

was done,

it did that,

"bock! It's 11:00."

remember that?

Much better than that.

I am not an idiot.

It was

"gilligan's island," okay?

It was about gilligan.

He was always coming up

with these, like, crazy plans,

and everything

would go wrong,

and then everybody

would feel sorry for him,

and -- and that's what you want

in the wilderness,

is somebody dumb that

you can feel superior to.

That give you

a will to live, so I'll --

I'll take gilligan.

These are all

mythical characters.

Well, so what, harold?

It's a hypothetical question.

Hang on a second here.

Let's say -- okay.

You're out there on your

three-hour tour, all right?

Something happens.

Whamo -- there you are,

stranded on the desert island

for, say, three seasons.

I'm telling you, I've got to go

with the professor.

Well,

I'd go with gilligan.

'cause he had

all the ideas.

I would go with either ginger

and/or mary ann, I believe.

That's not fair.

I didn't know they were in this.

Okay, I'll take ginger.

Mrs. Howell for me.

She was good.

Wait a sec. Wait a sec.

Wait a sec.

Oh, uncle red,

what about your wife?

Wa-a-a!

Wouldn't you take

your wife?

And have bernice stranded on a

desert island for three years?

I love her too much to put her

through that, harold.

[ sputtering ]

well, the old possum lake

schoolhouse has been relocated.

Did it go without a hitch?

Well, it went without

a proper one, harold.

Tried to use moose thompson's

class-3 homemade hitch

that he made out of a stove leg

and a doorknob.

The whole thing packed it in

just as we crested the hill,

and the trailer

with the schoolhouse on it

rolled all the way down

the hill,

across the town dock,

right into possum lake.

Oh, great.

So, what, now what?

We can offer submarine rides

to see the historic schoolhouse?

[ chuckles ]

well, it floats, harold.

Schoolhouse is made of wood.

Wood floats.

I thought

you would notice that

every time

you washed your face.

Wa-a-a!

So, did you get it

out of the lake?

No. We're just gonna let her

drift there, harold.

During the summer,

it can be a floating church

or a, uh, boat school

or maybe

one of them marinas

that comes right up

to your dock.

And in the winter,

we'll just let her freeze

in there solid.

You got yourself

an ice-fishing hut

where everybody

gets their own desk.

[ screeching ]

meeting time, uncle red.

Yeah, you go ahead.

I'll be --

I'll be down in a while.

Well, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I have a picture of me

sitting behind you

in grade four

at possum lake school --

that one where I was dipping

your pigtail into the inkwell.

I know you never forgave me

for that,

but you'll see by the picture

that the pig isn't upset at all.

And to the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching,

and on behalf of myself

and whiz-bang there

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all right, harold,

get them up.

Um, all rise.

All rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Careful there, uncle red.

Careful.

Aunt bernice

sent this over.

She says that you said you

wouldn't touch her cooking...

Red: To find out more about

possum lodge merchandise,

call 1-800-ypossum,

or check out harold's home page

on the internet,

www.Redgreen.Com.