The New Monument

Possum Lodge gets its hands on an old army tank and brings it back to life.

Cast (In order of Appearance):, , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game; Red's Campfire Songs; Handyman Corner; Red's Advice to Teenagers; New Member Night; Adventures With Bill

Transcript
''{Red is sitting in a room next to a wood stove, rubbing his hands. The camera slowly zooms out to reveal a bunch of clothes littering the floor, along with a broom and several other tools in the background.}''

RED GREEN: Y'know, women are usually smarter than men, but when it comes to organizing their clothes, we could teach them a thing or two about how to store your wardrobe. By just throwing it on the floor. {stands up and gestures to the clothes} You always know where everything is, and it saves wear and tear on the linoleum. {picks up a rake} But you know, even the most organized guy could use a little help. So here's what you do: {sticks a piece of duct tape to the handle, then starts winding it sticky side out around the rake} Take some duct tape, and wind it onto a rake handle backwards, eh, so you got the sticky side out on that. Go all the way down to the rake. Then you just throw her on the floor. {drops the rake onto the pile of clothes} Now when you take off your clothes, you'll throw 'em onto the rake handle. Y'know, when you're ready to put on a shirt or a pair of pants, you just step on the end of the rake.

{Red steps on another rake, lifting up the handle with a bunch of clothes attached.}

RED GREEN: Used to call this dressing like a rake.

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Red Green Show! And now, here's the man who's behind the message, behind the 8-ball, behind in the payments, the Big Behind, your host and hero, Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: All right. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the Lodge this week. The town council decided they need a new monument to sit out in front of City Hall there.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah, I'm really glad, too, they decided to get rid of that old rusty tank from the war. That thing smells!

RED GREEN: Well now, Harold, if you have a problem with rusty tanks that smell, this may not be the town for you. Anyway, they put out for tenders on this new monument. I think we got a chance at getting a nod on this deal. {to Harold} Actually, they're hearing all the proposals in the next half-hour, so maybe we should get down there.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah, because you know what? You know what? Because I got a proposal too. {unfolds a sheet of paper} Yeah! Because you know how they're gonna want, like, the monument to signify the lifestyle up here at Possum–

RED GREEN: Lifestyle! The lifestyle thing, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, so look at that. That's my drawing, right? I've got like an entire family in a canoe and they're paddling there, and see the sun shining right on them, eh? And the animals are frolicking in the wood and the babbling brook? waaaAAaaAA! What's your design of?

RED GREEN: Well, we're designing a seventy-foot flag made out of beer cans with a huge unemployment check flying off the top. In fact, I'm gonna make them a deal. If they give us an extra week, we can make it an eighty foot flagpole! C'mon! {heads for the door}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
''{Kevin and Red are sitting around a card table, with Harold between them. Kevin is sitting where Red normally sits.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today's grand prize is for anyone who's ever dreamt of waking up a millionaire: An alarm clock! {holds up a small clock} And playing for this wonderful prize is city slicker turned Possum Laker, Mr. Kevin Black! {picks up the word sign} Mr. Black, you have thirty seconds to get my Uncle Red to say the following word: {turns the sign around to the audience while Red covers his ears} Sushi. Sushi.

KEVIN BLACK: All right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. {puts the sign down} Go!

KEVIN BLACK: Okay, {clears throat} piece of cake.

RED GREEN: Birthday.

KEVIN BLACK: I haven't started yet. {thinking} Umm-umm-umm-umm-mum-mum-mumbly-bumbly...

{Harold starts to lean toward Kevin to give a clue, but snaps back as soon as Kevin starts speaking.}

KEVIN BLACK: Fish.

RED GREEN: Chips.

KEVIN BLACK: Raw fish.

RED GREEN: Bait.

KEVIN BLACK: No. Okay, um... what do you call it when you eat raw fish?

RED GREEN: Insane.

KEVIN BLACK: Uh, okay. A kind of bar.

RED GREEN: Open.

KEVIN BLACK: No, no no, a kind of bar you don't like.

RED GREEN: Oh, cash.

KEVIN BLACK: {pauses} When you go to a Japanese restaurant, what do you eat?

RED GREEN: I don't go to a Japanese restaurant.

KEVIN BLACK: Well, I know you don't, but if you did, what would you eat?

RED GREEN: Pizza.

KEVIN BLACK: They don't serve pizza.

RED GREEN: No, I'd bring it with me.

KEVIN BLACK: They don't let you do that.

RED GREEN: That's why I don't go!

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to his wrist} You're almost out of time, Mr. Black.

KEVIN BLACK: You remember the time you were stream fishing in Mercury Creek and you got that soaker?

RED GREEN: Oh yeah.

KEVIN BLACK: You remember the sound your boot made when you were walking home.

RED GREEN: Kind of a szhoo-zhee?

''{Kevin rings the bell a few times and sits back while Harold claps. Red picks up the alarm clock and starts examining it.}''

Plot Segment 2
{Red and Harold walk into the Lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: Red, you guys are always so embarrassing when you're yelling and screaming like that! I told you the town council wasn't going to go for your beer-can sculpture. I told ya!

RED GREEN: Man, I can't believe the one they went with was from those two goofballs.

HAROLD GREEN: They're not goofballs! They're the head of their class at the art college.

RED GREEN: Oh boy, oh boy, art college, eh? That really prepares you for life's emergencies, doesn't it? Imagine the captain of the ship getting everybody together and saying, "Okay, she's taking on water, the engines aren't running, and we've lost the radio. Is there an art college graduate here?  Maybe do some charcoal sketches for us?"

HAROLD GREEN: Haa-haa-ha-haa! I happen to like art, and I think it's important. And I like their design, too, y'know. It was a stained glass abstract work, and it was all framed in wood and copper, y'know, and it was signifying, y'know, the elemental openness of Possum Lake.

RED GREEN: No, it was signifying the elemental openness of the town council wallet, that's what it was doing.

HAROLD GREEN: No it wasn't! They– no it wasn't!  They won that tender fair and square. And all your yelling and screaming and throwing of pocket lint didn't make a bit of difference, did it?

RED GREEN: Well, well, actually, actually it did. Our demonstration forced them to give us compensation for losing.

HAROLD GREEN: Ga– Compensation? What kind of compensation?

RED GREEN: {excited} Oh, Harold, they gave us the old army tank. They gave it to us!

HAROLD GREEN: No, no!

RED GREEN: The whole tank! They gave us the tank, Harold, we got the tank!

HAROLD GREEN: {dumbfounded} Whadda– What do you want that for? That tank doesn't run! It doesn't even move! It's all rusty and full of holes and rodents. It's a piece of junk!

RED GREEN: You just don't get it, do you, Harold, huh? This is about pride of ownership. Pride of ownership. If somebody says to me, "Do you have a tank?", I can say yes.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, but what if they say to ya, "Why do you have a tank?"

RED GREEN: The guys I hang around with never say Why. {heads for the door}

HAROLD GREEN: {looking to the camera} That's true.

Red's Campfire Song
RED GREEN:
 * Oh, you never see a vampire with a full grown beard,
 * Yet a vampire can't see his reflection.
 * So a lack of facial hair is unbelievably weird,
 * 'Cuz you'd think shaving would be out of the question.

Handyman Corner
{Red is standing at the hood of a car and starts walking toward the driver's door.}

RED GREEN: If you have a teenager who has his driver's license, there are two things you ever want your kid to have in the car, and they're both called accidents. {opens the rear passenger door, revealing the Handyman Corner sign inside} So this week, on Handyman Corner, we're gonna teen-proof the car so nobody's gonna be calling you Grandpa for a while. {shuts the door, then pulls a blowtorch out of the driver's seat} Let's address the main problem right off the bat. {lights the torch} From now on, this back seat is out of bounds. {starts welding the rear door shut}

''{Wipe to a later scene. The rear doors are welded shut. Red is sitting in the front passenger seat and rubs the driver's seat with his hand.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, wait a minute, now. Comfortable front seat like this? Just asking for trouble. Gotta go!

{Red gets out and pulls both front seats out of the car, tossing them away.}

RED GREEN: {winded} All right. I'm thinking, go with something that's purely functional. Not comfortable at all. {pulls a church pew toward the car} I'm thinking church pew, eh? I've never had any fun sitting in one of these. And I'm praying no one else does either. {puts his hands together and bows his head}

''{Wipe to a later scene. The pew is now inside the car where the front seats used to be. Red is sitting on the driver's side, hunched over the steering wheel.}''

RED GREEN: And go with something kinda spartan and hard here, maybe Presbyterian or Lutheran. And if your kid complains about slivers, well, I'd say there's been a sin involved. {turns around to point out a fence made of pipes attached to the back of the pew} Oh yeah, and another thing I've applied, I installed all these metal bars here, okay? Block the alternate route to the back seat. {chuckles} And I vote we're taking out this interior light, {picks up a small fluorescent light} and replacing her with this fluorescent unit here. You know how attractive everybody looks under fluorescent lights. {chuckles} Oh, and one last thing. What I've done is I've turned the radio on to publicly funded all-news station. {switches on the radio to a talk station} Now I've just gotta make sure nobody can ever change the station. {beats on the radio with a hammer}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is standing behind the car.}''

RED GREEN: All right, this is the one modification I'm most proud of. Now, remember that cheesy excuse, "Sorry, Dad, we ran out of gas?" Remember that, Bernice? {laughs for a second} Not with this baby. No way!

''{Red opens the trunk. The trunk is filled with gas cans connected by hoses.}''

RED GREEN: I got 438 gallons of gas in there. Huh? So those teens will be driving around for so long, they're gonna forget what they're driving around for. {chuckles} And if this happens to put your teen off of any form of transportation forever, well, congratulations! You've exceeded your expectations.

''{Red closes the trunk. The camera focuses on a bumper sticker that reads "If this car's rockin', Call my parents".}''

RED GREEN: So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

Red's Advice to Teenagers
''{Red is sitting on a park bench. A teenage boy is dribbling and shooting a basketball, going back and forth past Red.}''

RED GREEN: Well, I hope you're ready for the world you're gonna have to live in. Yeah. I lost the coin toss last night at the Lodge. Had to go for coffee. {puts up his hands} I don't mind that, no, I don't mind. But I ended up at one of them fancy coffee places there. "Sufficient Grounds", or maybe it was called "Has-Beans" or something. Anyway, I walked up to the "coffee specialist", they call her there. I said "Give me six regular, three double-double, one black with eight sugars, to go." Well, she looks at me like a goat staring at a new fence. "What's a regular?", she says, huh? "What's a regular? This isn't a gas station, mister!" {chuckles} "Well, excuse me! All right, what do you got?" She gives me this list of lattes and mochas and cappucinos. Sounds like the guest list at an Italian wedding. "Well, you know what? Just give me ten cups of something that's sorta like coffee, okay?" So thirty minutes and the entire annual coffee budget later, she hands me like ten little cups {holds his thumbs and index fingers about an inch apart} about that size. How could anything that small be that expensive? And how could anything called Expresso take a half hour? So when I get back to the Lodge, of course, the guys say to me, "What kept ya?" You know what I said? "Progress!" {laughs}

Plot Segment 3
''{Red walks into the Lodge holding a rag. He wipes his hands during much of the conversation.}''

RED GREEN: Well, we got the old army tank towed up to the Lodge. Man, that was a job and a half, I'll tell ya.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, maybe you should have just hired a guy with a crane, y'know. He could have lifted it right onto a flatbed truck and driven it up here.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, and maybe I should have been born a millionaire. Huh? {laughs sarcastically} It's always money with you, isn't it, Harold? Need a tank moved, you pay someone. You need a roof re-shingled, you pay someone. Need underwear, you pay someone. I just don't work that way, Harold. {points dramatically to the floor} We got the tank here, okay? Mind you, it would have been easier if the treads weren't seized up on her. It would have been easier if she didn't weight thirty ton. But a few blown transmissions and a couple of broken chains later, we got her done. {focuses on wiping his hands with the rag}

HAROLD GREEN: Ha! Basically, you just dragged it over? Like a big rock?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow, that's not easy, because there's no direct path from the City Hall to the Lodge.

RED GREEN: There is now.

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} Okay, okay, congratulations, you've got yourself a tank. Now what?

RED GREEN: Well, we've got lawn ornament that no one will ever steal. We could use it as a storage shed there, or maybe a crock pot. A couple of guys want to sleep overnight in it. That scares me a little.

HAROLD GREEN: I know, I know, I know! Maybe we could use it as a tourist attraction. Y'know, the business could really be used up here at the Lodge. Y'know, but... {laughs nervously} Aw, then again, what kind of tourist would come all the way up here just to see a tank?

RED GREEN: Hey hey! Guys like me!

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} Yeah, you're right, forget it.

RED GREEN: Oh... {heads for the door}

New Member Night
''{Red is standing in the basement in front of a bunch of assembled Lodge members. Next to him is Hap and an older man.}''

RED GREEN: All right, settle down, guys. As you know, it's New Member Night, and Hap Shaughnessy has brought a guy in to show us. Can't wait to hear this one.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Glad to see so many of you came here tonight. No doubt you heard that I was gonna nominate Jack Battersby here, and you had to come and see him in person. Well, I can't say as I blame you. To be this close to greatness! Now, of course, I'm used to it. Been around him so long, I guess you could say I'm jaded. But in case, in case you've been hiding under a rock these past twenty years, let me tell you a few things about this man. Forty years ago, Jack and I were bartenders at this club in Liverpool. And, and, and we told the club's manager to hire this band. The Beatles. Now of course, after that, the Fab Four wanted us to manage them. I didn't want to get tied down to one job, and Jack here, he got an offer to be in the movies. And he would have been great. But all the handsome men in Hollywood got together and they blacklisted him. So he's been spending his life bouncing around the world as a freelance gigolo in a part-time spot. Like me! Unfortunately, Jack developed so much charisma, the ladies won't leave him alone! Now you see, I can turn my charisma off and on, like this. {pauses, barely changing his expression} Now see, Jack here, he never mastered the art. So he's always attractive to women. Now that's why he wants to join a Lodge full of men. So the women will leave him alone and he can have some peace and quiet. Right, Jack? Okay, so what do you say?

RED GREEN: {standing up} Okay, guys, Jack here is a friend of Hap's, and seems to have done a lot of stuff, just like Hap. {to Jack} Wanna add anything to this, Jack? {Jack shrugs} Not much of a talker? ''{Jack shakes his head slightly. Excitedly}'' Unlike Hap, he's not much of a talker. What do you say? Aye! ''{raises his hand along with the rest of the men} Congratulations, Jack. {shakes Jack's hand}

Explanations

 * "Dressing like a rake" is a euphemism for dressing in a sexually provocative manner.

Real-World References

 * The club that Hap claims to have worked at would most likely have been the Casbah Coffee Club in Liverpool, England. The famous rock group that eventually became The Beatles played at this club under the name "The Quarrymen".