No Place Like The Home/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

For those of you who

went to private school,

this is called

an exhaust manifold.

This is called a wrench.

And what I'm doing

here is called work.

See, I'm trying to increase

the horsepower of this engine

and the best way to do that

is to allow the exhaust

to flow more easily

out of the engine.

Regardless of what

your grandfather said,

exhaust flowing more

easily is no joke.

See, the problem is the

exhaust from each cylinder

gets funneled into

this bottleneck,

which restricts the flow.

You older guys know

what I'm talking about.

Now, a lot of guys

go with bigger pipes,

maybe even use one

for each cylinder.

These are called headers.

Not like the header you took

down the basement stairs...

Nobody laughs

at these ones.

But I'm thinking,

if size matters...

Why stop at pipes?

Why not go up to something

that's way bigger

and used to

handling hot gases?

No, not your grandfather.

That's right,

furnace ducts.

Is it just me or is this not

one of the sharper vehicles

you're likely to see

in your lifetime.

That's what happens when you

get all your ducts in a row.

And talk about performance,

I figure I've raised the

horsepower by around

35,000 btus.

Please allow me

to demonstrate...

The heat is on.

[ inaudible/

engine roaring ]

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

No, no, I appreciate that.

Big, big week up at

the lodge this week.

Somebody's trying to put

old man sedgwick into a home.

Not their home, nobody

wants him in their home.

I'm against locking up

old guys in homes, you know.

I used to be all for it

but that was back in the day

when it was me against them.

Now I am them.

Oh, uncle red.

Uncle red.

[ cheers and applause ]

I got this book for

old man sedgwick

and I was hoping maybe

you could drop it at

shady acres for him.

It's called, "how to

tell you're having a

medical emergency."

well, I'll just

file this over

in that area.

Now, see, harold,

first of all,

old man sedgwick

only likes books from

world war I.

They've got to

have big pictures

and a 36-point font.

And secondly, more

importantly,

he's not going to

shady acres, harold.

If he belongs anywhere

it would be belly acres.

But he's not

going to a home.

Oh, yes, he is.

No.

Yeah, I was talking

to his his son

and he said he was going.

And he said it like,

"oh, he's going!"

so...

Well, that's not right.

How old is he anyway?

He's well

into his 90s.

Well, so what?

Lots of people in their 90s

are living on their own.

Oh no, no, I was

talking about the son.

No, no,

old man sedgwick,

I don't know,

he's -- he's --

he's older than any recorded

history, I don't know.

I don't know how

you could even consider

putting old man

sedgwick into a home.

Well, it's better than

leaving him up there

in that shack

with 4,000 magazines

and a space heater.

You know he

talks to his lamp?

Yeah, well that's because

they're both on a dimmer.

Well, thank goodness his

son doesn't feel that way

because he's putting

him into a home.

I didn't even know

his son could do that.

Oh yeah,

oh yeah, oh yeah!

Any relative can

with just cause.

You know, there

are days when I think

you should go

into a home.

Well, there are days

when I'd gladly go.

Well, seriously,

though, uncle red,

if you ever went into

a home I would visit

you every day.

Well, thank you,

harold,

but that would kind of

defeat the purpose.

[ laughter and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives this coupon

for 300 board feet

of lumber

from the mercury

creek lumber yard.

Every piece of lumber is a

maximum length of two inches

because at mercury creek

lumber, we saw it first.

Okay, edgar,

cover your ears.

Oh, never mind.

Okay, mr. Green,

you've got 30 seconds

to get local explosives

enthusiast, edgar montrose,

to say this word...

Okay, mike.

And go!

Okay edgar, you're

going to give advice

to a young person

choosing their career.

You'd say, find your...

First-aid kit.

No, okay, okay, no.

You don't just enjoy

blowing things up,

you have a

something for it.

A permit?

Oh really?

Since when?

Uhh... Tomorrow.

No, I know.

This is an exotic fruit.

Red, I think the

politically correct term

is "alternate lifestyle."

no, okay, okay.

No, no, no.

Okay, if there are two people

that have a very strong

physical attraction,

they have a lot of...

Laundry.

You're almost out

of time, mr. Green.

Okay, okay, okay.

Edgar, two people having

a hot love affair,

this is something

they share...

D-n-a.

No, edgar.

What do you need

to make you happy?

A vacant building,

25 pounds of dynamite

and a noise-abatement

officer with a little...

Compassion.

Yes sir!

Red: How come you're

not fishing, harold?

I ran the numbers of

the of the local

fish population

feeding patterns

into my laptop.

The resultant probability

model made it quite clear

that fishing in this lake

is not an effective

use of my time.

So what?

Spending an

afternoon with you

is not an effective

use of my time, either.

Dalton: What's that you're

reading there, harold?

Is that a book?

Why, yes, it is.

Yes, it's a book.

Since there's no

fish in the lake,

I thought I'd

expand my mind.

Why? You're already

a fat head.

[ red and dalton

chuckle ]

harold: You know laughing at

that doesn't make it funny.

Just like forcing

your opinion on somebody

doesn't make

it smart.

Harold, have you been

watching pbs again?

You guys are living

in the past.

It's like you're

living in the '50s.

Dalton:

I like the '50s.

Harold: As a time era

it's fine,

but as a way of life

it's holding you back.

Dalton:

I like being held back.

Well, you're the past,

I'm the future.

No wonder I find it

so hard to get up

in the morning.

You don't get

it do you?

This book predicts

that science will

create a computer

that thinks faster

and clearer than man.

No, get out of here.

Come on.

Yes, yes it is!

We're on the cutting edge

of a brave new world.

Dalton: If computers

are so smart,

why hasn't science

discovered the cure

for the common cold?

Red:

That's a good question.

No, that doesn't

even make sense.

That's like saying well

because a balloon holds air,

how come we can't turn right

on a red light in quebec?

Okay, all right.

I don't know what

I was thinking.

Obviously, artificial

intelligence is no match

for natural stupidity.

'cause there is no way a

computer is ever going

to be able to tell

guys like us what to do!

Red: That's right.

That's our wives' job.

I've never

been in a war,

which is probably why

we've always won,

but I sure like the

military equipment.

Like these cannons on wheels

that you roll up to the target

and then aim and then blow

something to smithereens.

Kind of like mass

destruction to go.

So today on

handyman corner,

we're going to build

a fun home version

of that powerful weapon.

I'm going to use this piece

of drain pipe as my gun barrel

and instead of

mortar shells

we'll be

firing off muffins.

If you're like me, you

probably have a wife

that doesn't

want you to die

and you know how

annoying that can be.

She's always watching

your weight

and pushing you to exercise

and eat multi-grain muffins

instead of

cream-filled doughnuts

and high-fibre muffins

aren't that easy to hide.

Oh sure, you could

feed them to the dog

but as soon as your

wife sees the backyard,

she'll know what

you've been up to.

The safest method,

as always

is to just blow them

to kingdom come.

This car is going to be

the mount for my muffin gun.

I've just got to take her

down to flinty's

and get the front

fenders cut off.

I needed a sight for my gun

so I just used the hood

ornament.

Some ornaments make better

sights than others,

lincoln and

mercedes are good

or you could use one of

those pontiac aztecs,

the whole car's a sight.

Now, obviously,

to fire the gun

I'm going to use the

master cylinder

from the car's

power brake system.

See, ordinarily when you

stomp on the brake pedal,

this small piston shoots

forward with a lot of juice

and slams on the brakes.

So I'm just going to

biggie-size the piston

with a hockey puck.

You can buy these at one of

those specialty shops

like pucks 'r' us

or the puckatorium

or puck depot, puckers

or just pucks

or pucks 'n' such.

They got a lot cheaper

during the strike.

Now, when I fire off a muffin,

it won't just be a shot,

it'll be a slapshot.

Okay, got my gun

mounted on the wheel

so I can adjust the

up and down angle

by just edging the

car forward or back

and I can adjust the

side to side angle

by just turning

the steering wheel.

Now all I need is my

automatic muffin motor

and I'm good to go.

Where would we be

without eavestroughs?

Vermont.

Okay, the trick to

the muffin feeder

is to mount the hockey stick/

pushrod/ammo magazine --

hey, wait a minute, that's

two minutes for slashing --

onto the outside wall

of the other front tire

that's 90 degrees   but t

from where the

gun is mounted.

That way when one goes

down the other comes up

like stocks and bonds

or pants and skirts.

And it's just that easy.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

This isn't

a healthy diet,

this is war.

[ cheers and applause ]

it would've ended up

there anyway.

I want to talk to

you older guys

who arrived at

that point in life

where your income should more

than cover your expenses.

[ laughing ]

not even close, is it?

Now you have

a choice to make.

Either you work up

the courage to demand

the raise you deserve

or, and this

is more likely,

you win the lottery.

But no matter what you do,

you will always

want more money.

Money is like food.

You can never

have enough.

Actually, it is possible

to have enough food

so money is

more like beer...

Or cars...

When I had that

20-year-old studebaker,

I wanted a

15-year-old rambler.

When I got the rambler

I wanted a van.

When I got the van

I wanted an import

or at least a van

that didn't catch fire.

So my advice is instead

of focussing on your

need for more money,

enjoy what you have and

spend it with confidence

on things you want

like, for example,

my book,

which is available at fine

bookstores everywhere.

Remember,

I pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

[ cheers and applause ]

seeing tonight's dinner

steaming in the centre

of your dining room

table is a kodak moment.

Seeing last week's dinner

steaming in the centre

of your back yard

is a rothschild's moment.

Looks like

old man sedgwick

won't be going into

shady acres after all.

I don't want to go

into the details

but let's just say

that somebody went down,

met with the head nurse

and straightened the

whole thing out.

You know, it's always best

when you just have a quiet

word with people.

Uncle red?

Yep?

Can I have a quiet

word with you?

Nope.

Well it seems somebody went

down to shady acres rest home

and said that old man sedgwick

was an unfit resident.

Why did you do that?

Well, he needed somebody

to stick up for him.

Well, what we got was

somebody to stick

it to him.

Uncle red, he wants

to go to shady acres.

Wants to?

Where'd you

hear that one?

From him.

I talked to him.

Did you?

Well, no.

When you try

to talk to him,

you can't get a

word in edgewise.

He goes on and on and on

about everything that's

bothering him

which I don't

want to hear

and then he gets into

this whole other thing

about some car

he had 40 years ago

and that's what

old people are like.

You know that and this is why

he shouldn't be in a home

and why would he want

to be in a home anyway?

Because he's smart!

What?

He's got friends there.

He'll have a life there.

And if there is a problem

he'll have people to

take care of him.

No, harold, there's got

to be another way.

Well, you could

take care of him.

You know, if he's that

keen on going, you know...

I don't think

I should interfere.

Well, he can't go now

because you did interfere.

You told them that he was

a sleepwalker, a pyromaniac

and a potential murderer?

I may have oversold it.

Uncle red, you have to go

down to shady acres right now

and make this right.

Okay, I'll do it.

I'll do it.

Oh yeah, how?

I'll just tell them I made

a stupid mistake, okay?

Okay, well, I'll

go with you

'cause if you're going

to show them you're an

idiot, I got proof.

[ applause ]

winston and bill are going

to have a little day

on the beach.

They took some backpacks

and are just going

to enjoy the day.

Bill decided that this

was a good spot

so he dropped --

he took out

some suntan lotion.

It was a high uv that

day and whoa...

You know you want to keep

your knife in another bag

I think, bill.

And winston

took his frisbee --

oh, that's unfortunate.

And bill doesn't have

the sense of humour

he used to have.

He just fires it

and away she goes.

It picked an

updraft or whatever

and goes all the way

across the lake.

And bill finds that very funny

but winston's out of frisbees

says maybe bill

should go across

but bill says why should I

bother, I don't care

about a frisbee.

So winston's thinking you need

something to care about

so how about

your backpack?

There we go.

So now he wants winston to

go across and winston

says you go

and winston says why

don't we both go across.

Okay, so bill

takes off --

he's either dancing or

removing his shoes

and he got his shoes

and socks off

but the water was just

a little cooler than

what bill expected.

Nope, got to

rethink that.

So then winston's

got an idea.

He's got something

in his bag.

That's a teddy bear,

winston.

Oh yeah, this is one of

those self-inflating rafts

so you've got to be

careful with those.

You've got to stop it.

When it gets full, bill,

you've got to stop it.

Bill!

Bill!

Okay, now, here's a

little safety message

for any of you

kids with an axe...

About an hour later,

winston realized that bill

was actually making stilts.

So he got

winston up there

and this looks like

trouble to me.

Neither of these guys is

too familiar with the

concept of gravity.

So then they decide

maybe a picnic table

will give them

a little more leverage.

Winston needs bill to

push him off and then

bill loses his balance and ends

up jumping right on winston.

So now, you've got

a passenger

and they're heading

towards the water.

Winston comes right up

to it and decides

he's going to take

a big step to go in.

He raises then hits

bill right in the face

and it was unfortunate

the way this happened

and then he was

out of balance

and then winston

falls right --

oh...

Boy, he thought it was

a pole vaulting exhibition.

But just when they're

about to give up,

along comes

the park ranger

and wouldn't you know it,

he's got everything in there.

There's the backpack.

There's your frisbee.

There you go, oh!

And there's your backpack.

Everybody's happy.

If a man's home

is his castle

then his back yard is

his trophy room.

It's really a shrine

to a lifetime of tinkering.

Unfortunately, your wife

may not see it that way

or any other way.

In fact, she doesn't want

to see it at all.

As I always say, out

of sight, out of mind

which doesn't mean that

if you need glasses

you're half crazy.

What it does mean that what

your wife doesn't know

won't hurt you.

So I mounted my tarp onto

the rim of my basketball hoop.

Got the whole thing mounted

over the barbeque.

Now, all I have to do

is fire up the grill

and we have ourselves our own

disappearing trophy pile.

Now you just tie off

your tether line and voila,

no crap for your wife to

look at in the back yard.

[ applause ]

I had everything under

control, harold.

I don't think your

comments were appreciated.

Oh, they were appreciated.

They were essential.

Okay, so we go down

to shady acres there

and I tell them there's

been a misunderstanding

about old man sedgwick,

that his deficiencies were

a little exaggerated,

you know.

Heck, I even put in

a good word for him.

You said he was the greatest

man that ever lived.

Not ten seconds after

admitting that you had lied

about him being a

murderous pyromaniac.

Don't you find

that incredible?

Harold, you

and I are related,

I find that

incredible.

I'm not the

bad guy here.

I'm not the one who's banned

from shady acres for life.

Well, I'm glad

I'm banned.

That means you'll never

be able to stick

me in there.

Well, you handled it poorly.

That's all I'm saying.

That's all I'm saying.

That's all I'm saying.

Is old man sedgwick

in shady acres now?

Yes, but only because I

brought in a complete

application form,

his medical records

and convincing letters

from both him

and his son.

And what did I bring

to the meeting, harold?

Guilty admissions,

some pathetic pleading

and a few veiled threats.

Really, that's...

No, no, no.

I brought

you, harold.

You were my

ace in the hole.

Well, thank you.

You're very welcome.

That's the first time

you've ever called me

an ace in the hole.

I've called you

something similar.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you

go ahead, ace.

I'll be down in the

hole in a minute.

Okay.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting

and I learned today

that shady acres

has refused me

as a resident

so it looks like you're going

to have to take care of me

and I was hoping you could

start practising tonight.

Don't forget, I'm only

as old as you feel.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and ace

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

come on in.

Guys!

Sit down.

C'mon, everybody sit down.

Guys, sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man

but I can change

if I have to

I guess.

All right men, as you know

old madgwick

is now living at the

shady acres rest home

and he wanted

me to tell you

that he appreciates you guys

coming over and visiting.

But he's starting to notice

it's always at mealtime

and the cleaning staff

sent back the gift

basket of prunes

because they

said his bed

is just too far

from the restroom.

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