The Statue/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, a lot of guys brag

about how they wear

the pants in the family.

What they don't mention

to their buddies

is that their wife tells

them what pants to wear

and when to wear 'em

and to stop talking

to your idiot friends

about their marriage anyway!

See, women have all kinds

of rules about clothes.

Jeans are okay for hanging

around the house

or for the hardware store

or whenever you

go somewhere alone.

But, when

company's comin',

you gotta go

all the way upstairs

and put on something nice.

So I got to thinking,

wouldn't it be great

if you could wear the

same pants all the time?

Well, you can.

Just get yourself

a pair of jeans

one size bigger than

you normally wear.

Actually, better make it

two sizes bigger.

One size bigger is probably

what you should be wearing now.

Next, you turn your

good pants inside out,

and then you stuff 'em

inside the oversized jeans.

Then you just sew

'em together.

Or since you have

no idea how to sew,

use the handyman's

secret weapon.

And it's just that easy.

Once you get everything

duct taped into place,

you've got something better

than a reversible jacket;

you've got reversible pants.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Had a bit of a setback

at the lodge this week.

I was towing the

backhoe through town,

and I went by the town hall.

You know, I never noticed

there was a statue there,

and after I went by it,

there wasn't.

But I did the right thing.

I told them that

I had done it...

Because a whole bunch

of people saw me do it.

And my punishment is

I gotta replace the statue.

I was thinking

of using harold

just to see if he could

stand still for more

than five seconds.

Uncle red! Uncle red!

[ cheers and applause ]

so -- so what happened

to the statue downtown?

Uh, I heard somebody

knocked it down.

You knocked it down!

Could be.

I didn't ask

for details.

Doesn't matter, harold.

I told them I would replace

that stupid statue.

Stupid statue!

Stup --

that is

sir don a. Mcjohnalds.

He's the founder of the

entire possum lake area.

Well, the way

I hear it,

he just brought

a bunch of people here

to find out where the

smell was coming from.

And after a couple of

months they got used

to it and stayed.

We don't need

to honour him.

Uncle red, that statue

is part of our history.

Well, harold, now that

statue is history.

You're going to feel a lot

better once you see my

replacement statue.

Take a look

at this baby.

This has to go on

the front lawn of the

town hall, you know.

Not the parking lot of wacky

willie's five and dime.

Well, harold,

you don't understand.

This is an

attraction, see?

This'll bring

people to town hall,

even when it's

not their court date.

It's a way smaller

target for pigeons,

and here's the

best part...

It's a profit centre.

Huh? Huh?

Come on! Come on!

[ red chuckling/

harold whooping ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives this coupon

for one night's stay

at this area's only place

that urges its

guests to sleep in...

The possum lake

bed & lunch.

It's okay to sleep

late at possum lake.

There's nothing

to see anyway.

Okay, cover your ears,

winston.

Uh, mr. Green,

you got 30 seconds

to get winston

to say this word...

Yeah,

all right, mike.

And... Go!

Uh, okay, winston,

think of a celestial body.

Super model.

No, no, these

come out after dark.

Some of them

aren't very bright.

Sure sounds like

a super model.

Okay, this is something

people like to watch at night.

The neighbours' window.

No, no, this is up

in the sky,

and it's on fire.

A guy with

a gas barbeque.

No, okay, no.

If you wait long enough,

you may see one

of these shooting.

A postal worker.

Okay, okay, listen.

What do you have when

you say "rats" backwards?

Dyslexia.

[ laughter and applause ]

you're almost

outta time, mr. Green.

Winston, you remember

our science teacher?

He got up in front

of the class and he said,

our sun is actually...

A doctor.

No, not that kind of sun;

the one that shines.

Well, we all shine, red.

I mean,

everybody's a star.

There we go!

[ loon calls ]

my parole officer says

you're never too old

to start learning.

Red: He was just trying

to sell you his computer.

That's not fair.

Where else can you get a

commodore 64 for 50 bucks?

Well, they're free

at the dump.

I'm talking

about education.

You know, your lack of

education can really limit you.

Have you ever

talked to somebody

who knows a whole lot

more than you do?

Every time I step

through the front

door.

Well, the way to correct

that is by learning.

For example, I know that

in the scientific table

of elements

the symbol for

lead is "pb,"

which stands

for "plumbum."

when I tell people

I know what plumbum means,

they just stare

at me in awe.

Yeah, like that!

Yeah, well, okay,

education's important,

but experience is

a pretty good teacher too,

like when I'm having heart

surgery or something,

I don't want some guy who's

never done it before.

I want to be part

of his experience,

not part of

his education.

Yeah, but you don't want

somebody with no education,

especially for

a heart operation.

I mean, it's not

so bad with kidneys,

because you've

got two of 'em.

Dalton: You know, you don't

need education to

be successful.

Evel knievel, he was

rich and famous.

He never had

a college degree.

Red: Yeah, but he also broke

every bone in his body.

And survived, huh!

How many of your fancy

lawyers could break every

bone and live?

Red: I know a lot of people

who'd love to find out.

Just think, dalton, though,

if evel had gotten

himself an education,

instead of just jumpin'

over busses in his harley,

he could've been

president!

President evel?

You know, I think it just

comes down to the person.

A lot of people have

had success with a

lot of education.

But me, I never

had much,

but hey, I've had

a happy life,

a fair bit of success,

a little bit of wealth on me

there, some self-esteem,

and the respect

of my friends.

You have?

And then you

lost it all?

Boy, you must

be bitter.

[ applause ]

you know, in my life

I've experienced

there are 10 things

that are impossible.

The first one is

backing up a boat trailer.

The other nine

all involve my wife.

See, the problem

with the boat trailer is,

you've got two

separate vehicles

a flexible

ball hitch in between.

Plus, you're driving

using your mirrors

or actually turning

your head around,

if you're under 25.

And the car is pushing,

rather than pulling.

So when you turn one way,

the boat goes the other.

It's actually a lot like

the problems I had when

I was dating.

I always got the opposite

reaction from the one

I expected,

and I was trying to control

the situation from

the wrong end.

The solution,

of course, is marriage.

We've gotta marry the

two vehicles into one.

United we stand;

divided we jack-knife.

First thing you wanna do

is cut off a part of the car

that you don't

use anymore.

Sadly, at my age,

that's the back seat.

I mounted a bunch of chisels

to the edge of the

garage door,

and a couple of heavy anchors

add a little jam to it.

They're actually wood chisels,

but there's lots of 'em.

Anchors away.

Okay, that's the

hard part done,

which was cutting the car in

half with the garage door

and then gettin'

the mess all cleaned up

before those

people came home.

Now we're ready to join the

front half of the car

to this boat trailer

in holy matrimony.

What this man has

brought together,

let no boat ramp

rend asunder, amen.

Okay, I should've

mentioned this earlier,

get a car that's

front-wheel drive.

Otherwise when you attach the

boat trailer to the drive shaft,

she'll get spinning

around like a whirligig...

No.

No.

And it's just that easy.

No more jack-knifes,

no more having the boat

trailer unhitch at 50 kliks

and taking out

a bus shelter.

And most of all,

no embarrassment for me.

[ applause ]

I wanna talk to you

older fellas about

your eating habits.

So many of you are jumping on

this low-carb bandwagon

I'm afraid she's

gonna blow a tire.

Okay,

here's the thing...

It's not about

counting carbs;

it's not even about

counting calories.

It's about counting meals.

Got a little shock for you.

According to the experts,

there are only three of 'em...

Breakfast, lunch, dinner.

Now, you may

call "dinner" "supper,"

and that's fine,

but it's an either/or deal.

And brunch is a replacement

for breakfast and lunch.

Not a tide me over

between the two.

Likewise, we gotta stop

inventing whole new

meals of our own.

Meals like "breakcarfast."

that's that second

breakfast you eat in the car.

Then there's "lunsnacker,"

the post-lunch,

pre-afternoon snack

that gets us

through to dinsnacker,

then the snack for

watching cable tv,

which we call "direct feed."

now, I know cutting out all

these meals is going to

be an adjustment.

But no one will mind if

you do a little complaining.

Heck, it'll probably

be the first time

they've heard you talk with

your mouth empty in years!

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

[ saw buzzing ]

uncle red!

No, no, no.

Yeah, it's important

to wear --

[ saw buzzes louder ]

what are you chopping

wood in the lodge

for anyway?

Well, you said you didn't

like my horsie ride,

so I decided

to carve a statue.

You know, a face that's

heroic and yet it's everyman,

it's inspiring,

but not intimidating.

Handsome,

yet intelligent.

Looks like you.

Dalton: Hey, red!

How's the statue coming?

Oh, pretty good.

Looks like you...

But knottier.

Yeah, that's what

harold says,

but I don't see it.

Well, that is

not going to do.

I mean, we also need

a statue of a man

that exemplifies

the possum lake area.

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

It shouldn't just

automatically be

a man, you know.

It should be an

artistic statement.

Something that makes people,

stop, pause, wonder,

make them feel better

about themselves.

You know, something that

has no specific sexual

gender at all.

Oh, so we should make a

statue that looks like you.

Red: You know, there's

nothing more relaxing

for a guy,

or even a harold,

than to go out

into the woods

and get back to nature

into a more

simple existence.

Can't think of three

better guys to get simple

than walter,

bill and harold.

And they got the hammocks.

Okay, you're missing some

basic concept here, bill.

I'm sure it'll

work out in the end.

They ended up with four trees

fairly close together

that they could -- oh!

Uh, closer than harold

thought, apparently.

Walter's got

a little more sense.

He just tied his

hand to the tree.

But bill finally

gets himself in business.

One thing about bill,

he can fall asleep anywhere.

Luckily,

he has cruise control.

And harold's tying his

hammock to the same

tree, of course.

And he tied

a real good knot.

He saw bill's knot,

he thought that didn't

look quite right.

He kind of gave it a tug.

It's a slip knot.

But, uh, bill

had no idea --

and walter had --

it wouldn't quite reach,

so he had to really

horse her over there.

'course what you're doin' is

creating a lot of tension,

which is what

harold usually does.

These hammocks are now

stretched pretty tight.

So he's back in business.

So bill, why don't

you just --

see if you can

go back to sleep.

There you go.

And harold has his

really too loose here.

It's more of a slip --

down, yeah.

So harold realises now --

take his hatchet

and cut little

notches in the tree.

And, uh,

walter's doin' fine.

In mexico, I believe,

these are called

bowless notches.

And he puts the hammock

rope right through those.

Now you're in good shape.

Now same thing

at the other end.

And, uh, he's makin'

the notches,

unfortunately -- oh.

But harold is

oblivious as usual.

And he gets into the hammock,

just gets comfortable,

and the next

thing you know...

A little tit for tat,

right, bill?

Anyway, finally all three

are settled in, relaxing,

and harold starts to get

a little bit hungry.

And he gets up, which

upsets the whole balance

of the tension

between the hammocks.

And he had put a small bag of

popcorn into his backpack,

it's down at

the bottom, harold.

There you go.

Harold eats enough popcorn

he can actually imagine

the movie.

So he goes back,

doesn't see the hatchet,

falls into the hammock,

springs the other guys

up through the --

so now harold's lying

there kind of thinking,

I wonder where the

other two guys are.

I'm saying to him,

you know,

I'm thinkin' they'll

be back in a minute.

So they don't really

know what happened.

Harold's not there,

and no one seems to care.

Rockabye, baby,

on the treetop,

when the wind blows,

you're still a dork.

In the old days when my

dad and I would go on

a canoe trip,

we packed all our stuff

into wicker baskets.

Let the bugs in

and the smells out

and they sunk every time

we flipped over,

which happened

on a regular basis.

Then dad got a great

big metal cooler.

It had sharp edges and rusted

faster than a studebaker

and weighed more

than our fridge.

I tell you, the guy who thought

that a metal box would make

a great insulator

should've spent a winter

in a garden shed.

But eventually science

got into the atomic age

and produced a miracle

substance...

Poly-wanna-crackerline.

Finally a cooler

you could lift, huh?

And it even floats --

unlike dad.

And these things

close off airtight,

which is great when you're

taking food to the campsite,

or bringing

dirty laundry home.

Now, that cooler in the canoe,

sure, was a big step forward,

but why just

take one step?

If you have enough coolers and

the handyman's secret weapon

you can take it

to a whole new level.

I call it a canooler.

[ applause ]

I dunno, dalton.

Why don't we just take that

big ronald mcdonald figure

that's at your store,

we'll paint it grey,

and we'll call that

the statue.

That's not ronald mcdonald,

that's my father!

Oh, look, dalton,

uncle red has

finished the sculpture.

He said no peeking

before the unveiling.

Hey!

Well, I've really done it

this time, boys.

It's impressive,

it's gender neutral,

it reflects the values of the

possum lake community

and most importantly...

It's done.

I present to you

the spirit of possum lake.

Dalton: My lord!

Ha, it's not

that good.

It's not

any good.

I mean, what you got --

and the --

what is that?

Well, it's conceptual

art, harold.

You may not

understand that.

What about the plaque?

What's that for,

an apology?

No, that's the

best part.

"here stands the

spirit of possum lake.

"all wisdom,

all knowledge can be yours...

""25 cents per question."

what?

Yeah, I incorporated the

horsie ride into my statue.

I tell you, the artists who

connect with their community

are the ones who

make serious coin.

So tell me, great spirit

of possum lake,

should I buy that

boat I've had my eye on?

[ laughter and applause ]

you know, this is

every man's dream.

Someone who

always says yes!

Let me try!

Let me try!

Let me try!

Let me try!

Let me try!

Okay, oh, great spirit

of possum lake,

do women find me --

huh-huh-huh,

sexy?

[ laughter and applause ]

oh, I knew it!

[ possum squealing ]

it's meeting time.

Yeah, you guys go ahead.

I'll be right down.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And now that I'm a sculptor,

I think I'm ready to try

a reclining nude.

You think she'll

shoot me down?

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching,

on behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down everybody.

Sit down.

Mike: All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

All right, men, we've been

lookin' for a new name

for our statue.

Now, america has

the statue of liberty,

but this one looks

so much like harold,

we're calling it

the statue of puberty.

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