Roll Out The Barrels/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Have you ever wondered why a

golf ball goes so far?

They tell me it's

all the dimples.

Oh, yeah, these little

dents in the golf ball

make it aerodynamic.

Actually, there are 336

dimples in a golf ball.

I know.

I counted them one day when I

was with bernice at the mall.

So I'm thinkin' if dimples make

the golf ball go farther,

they should have the same

effect on this vehicle.

That's where this ball-peen

hammer comes in.

We're gonna take the

technology of the golf ball

and apply it to the poor

design of this ford

336 times.

One.

Two.

Three.

334,

335,

336.

If henry ford had of

thought of this,

he would've made a fortune.

This should work great 'cause

we've got an oversized driver.

Fore! Duh!

(play on ford)

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Okay.

Thank you very much.

Hey, by golly.

That's great.

Yeah, appreciate that.

Big, big, big week up at the

lodge this week.

The rock reef brewery is

upgrading all their equipment

'cause they've been gettin'

a lot of dead mice in

their beer bottles.

Now, personally, I think

it's a cult suicide thing.

And if you ever tasted the beer,

I think you'd agree with me.

Now, their slogan is,

"the beer that goes down fast."

but lately, their stock has

actually been goin' down a

little bit faster.

So they're upgrading

the whole plant,

and the big news is

they're giving away all their

old beer barrels,

and every guy in

the lodge gets one.

Unbelievable.

Hey, red, you get

your beer barrel yet?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, 'cause I'm putting

firewood in mine.

Why not?

You know, it even says

lager (logger) right on it!

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

What about you,

winston?

You doin' something

with yours?

Well, I figure if I use mine

as a septic holding tank,

it'll sort of take on that

homecoming feel to it.

I like that

one, yeah.

What about old man sedgwick?

What's he gonna do

with his barrel?

He says he's gonna

use his as a barrel.

Sounds like he's off the

medication again.

What about you, red?

Got anything in mind?

Well, I do, and

you knew I would.

Here's a hint.

What do we have

at rock reef point?

Uh, reefs, rock,

and a smoldering chip wagon.

No, no, no.

What do we have that

comes up over

the point

and drops down

into mercury creek?

Oh, the run-off from the

rendering plant.

No, no, no.

Water.

Rock reef falls.

Just like niagara falls.

Think about it.

What do people do in

barrels at niagara falls?

Well, it is the

honeymoon capital.

No, no, no.

They go over the

falls in a barrel.

That's what I'm gonna

do with my barrel.

Man, are you guys

really that dumb?

I dunno.

[ applause ]

it's time to play the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

if you've ever wanted to pack up

and travel to anywhere in the

world at the drop of a hat,

well, today's prize is the

perfect hat for dropping.

Oh!

Sorry, red.

And today, playing for

that hat, is mike hamar.

[ applause ]

red, you've got 30 seconds

to get mike to say this word...

Oh, boy.

Yeah, all right,

dalton.

And go!

Okay, mike, this is

gonna be pretty easy.

Sentences are

made up of these.

Years in prison?

No, okay.

No, no, no.

This has letters in it.

A mailbox?

No, uh --

okay, um,

what are we doing here?

What are we

doing right now?

What is this?

Television.

Yeah, I know,

but what are we

doing on television?

That's what

everybody says.

Okay, um --

all right, this

is an expression.

Mum's the --

exotic dancer?

No.

Okay, mike,

on the other side of the

card there's something.

It's not a number,

it's a --

secret.

Yes, I know, but what's written

on the other side of the card?

The correct answer.

I know,

but what is it?

Well, if I knew that,

I'd win the game.

Time's almost up, red.

All right.

Come on, mike, use your

head on this, will you?

I beg to differ,

mr. Green.

You give bad clues.

You always give

bad clues.

I do not.

Hey, that's the

word on the street.

There we go!

[ applause ]

hey, harold, how come

you're looking so low?

Somebody else take

the last bran muffin?

No, I've been

humiliated,

publicly.

Well, you gotta be

used to that, huh?

Thank you.

No, no, no.

I mean --

this is the

big city, harold.

People aren't going to treat

you with kindness the way

we do at the lodge.

Okay, well, say somebody

at the office comes

up to you

and says, "you wanna

get in the pool?"

what would you think?

Well, they're giving

me a chance to maybe

gamble on something.

Even you know?

Oh, I'm worse off

than I thought.

I shouldn't be allowed

to write cheques.

Harold, harold, you gotta

be exaggerating here, eh?

Can't be that

bad, huh?

What did you

think it meant?

Oh.

Well, maybe nobody

noticed, eh?

Welcome to

talking animals

with local animal control

officer, ed frid.

What do you got

for us today, ed?

Something a

little tamer.

Um, a little calmer

because I have been

having some nerve

problems.

Yeah. Yeah.

Still having

trouble getting over

the vampire bat segment?

Yeah, that was a

lot of bats.

It was.

Too many, really.

Yeah.

I heard they

infested your home.

Yeah.

Okay.

But it's not so bad if you

sleep with the lights on.

So what you got

in the box?

Oh, I think the kids

out there are really

gonna love this.

This -- this -- these are

really cute little guys.

Kind of small

and fuzzy, eh?

Sounds great,

yeah.

Must be pretty small if

it fits in that box.

You don't have any

air holes, I see.

No, but don't

worry, red.

There's no

tarantulas here.

There's only

carpenter ants.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Okay! Okay!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Okay! Oh!

This could be a bit of a

problem if, uh -- if, uh --

do you have anything

here that's made of wood?

Well, uh, a

few things, yeah.

Oh!

Oh!

Okay. Okay.

I'll get 'em.

Get 'em.

There's one there.

Oh! Oh!

Over there!

Hey, I think they're

heading for the door!

Okay, they're

outta here.

Thanks, ed.

[ cheers and applause ]

need to have

a little fundraiser

for the possum lake

hula dancing club

to help them get to

the finals in honolulu.

And I figured we'd have a

cribbage tournament.

But I went into town --

I need 30 cribbage boards.

Went to buy one.

Eight bucks!

Eight bucks

for a cribbage board.

Man, by the time we pay off

the gaming commission

and the liquor control people

and the fire marshal,

there won't be enough money left

to buy the grass skirts

or the coconut shell

bikini tops.

So I figure I can make the

darned cribbage boards

cheaper and quicker,

and here's the best part,

I won't have to buy

any special machinery

because, like cappuccino foam,

it's all under my nose.

Okay, maybe you don't

have a table saw,

but I bet you have

a table and a saw.

Just put 'em

together.

I can still hear the

sound of uncle al's truss

when he'd lunge across this

table to fight the kids for

the string off the roast.

Memories.

Now all I need is a shaper,

or as I call it,

a blender.

You know, this blender will give

me a nice beveled edge

on her there.

All right, now that I got the

sides all shaped there,

I gotta be drillin'

some holes.

Now, the cribbage board,

you got two rows of holes, eh?

Now, that's a

lot of drilling,

even if you had a drill.

But here's a way to use

a common household mixer

to save time and money.

All right, now, maybe clean-up

is a factor for you,

because you don't have my

location or my attitude.

Maybe you're in a condo

or a freehold townhouse

or cardboard enclosure

of some kind,

you can't afford a heavy duty

industrial vacuum cleaner.

You don't need it.

All you need is a vehicle,

and I'm sure you've got

one of those around.

Yeah, 'cause a car engine

is just basically

just a big air pump.

You know, I got this idea

from a teenager in town.

He yelled at me,

hey, man, your car sucks!

Here's another bonus.

A high compression engine makes

great little dowels

that you can use

as game pieces.

It is just that simple.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

52, 54, 56, 58,

double run, 16,

two for the nine,

one for the jack --

I wanna talk to you older guys

about the scariest page

in the newspaper,

the obituaries.

Oh, when you're young,

you don't even look

at them, do you?

Then maybe a friend of

yours has a great uncle

who passed away during an

altercation with a cliff.

And you look in the obituaries,

and you find his name.

Then as time goes on,

you find more and more

people that you know

are packing it in.

But they're usually older

than you, you know?

Like doctors,

principals, golf pros,

that kind of thing.

And then more time goes by,

and people your own age

are leaving us, you know?

And you start going down

the column there,

looking for familiar names.

It's like looking at the list of

the high school football team

and being real glad you

didn't make the cut.

Now, it worries me 'cause you

get to the point where you're

looking at the obituaries

the first page every time you

pick up the newspaper.

So I think we should make

a little deal here, all right?

The bunch of us,

on my 85th birthday,

let's all of us meet

here at the lodge.

We'll do a drive-by

mooning of city hall.

So you gotta stay

alive till then;

otherwise we'll be

down a pair of cheeks

pressed up against the

window of the tour bus.

So I'm telling you,

I'm going to do everything

I can to stay in shape

and live that long,

and I'm expecting you

to hold up your end.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

well, I'm almost ready for my

plunge over rock reef falls

in a beer barrel.

You know, some people are

asking me why I would do

something like that,

and I have no

answer for them.

But then there's other guys,

guys like me,

guys who have never

done anything significant

in their whole lives,

except maybe one time at

an all you can eat thing.

They know what

I'm talking about.

They understand that sometimes

a man's just gotta do

what a woman would

never consider.

I got the padding

and I got the safety gear.

Red.

Yeah.

I gotta

talk to you.

What?

Well, I've been doing some

measuring and what not,

and I think you have some

engineering flaws

in this beer impregnated

daredevil fiasco of yours.

What are you talking

about, winston?

Well, okay, given the dimensions

of the inside of the barrel

and the barrel's

structural integrity,

you're the wrong man

for the job.

Oh, yeah, you got

too much height

and too much, uh --

what?

How do I put

this delicately?

Density!

Too much density.

You sayin' the barrel

will break apart?

Yeah, try to imagine a water

balloon hitting the pavement

from 12 floors up.

Yeah, you need a smaller,

lighter guy.

You know, somebody about

my size, for instance.

And somebody who

isn't married, either.

I'm sure bernice isn't too

thrilled with this idea.

No, she's

fine with it.

You, uh, you haven't

told her, huh?

No, no, I --

hm-mmm.

But, winston,

how can I be a man

if I don't even do

the stunt myself?

'cause it was

your idea.

That's the main thing.

Oh, sure, anybody can do

something stupid.

It's being able

to think it up.

There's the

real gift.

You might be right

about that, winston.

Hey,

you know what?

I really appreciate you

looking out for

me like that.

Uh, you were looking

for me, winston?

No, I wasn't.

No, mr. Green

here was.

Yeah, he's got a very

exciting opportunity

for you there.

[ applause ]

no.

Yep.

Thanks for letting me

finish my laundry, red.

I'll tell you,

the spin cycle

scared me a little.

Well, I don't get

as dizzy as I used to.

Gord, are you all right?

Are you gettin' enough

to do up here?

Oh, sure, I've got

lots to do.

I may be too busy.

Yeah?

Yeah, with my

audio recordings.

Oh, by the way, this is

called an audio cassette.

It's way better

than an eight-track.

You know, I think these things

may just catch on.

Yeah, I'm making

my very own tapes.

Oh, no, you're not

gonna sing, are you, gord?

No, no, I don't like

music anymore,

not since the

captain & tenille split up.

No, I'm recording the

sounds of nature on tape.

Well, that's

a good idea

'cause you're up here

in nature, you know.

And you can just get

all the sounds.

People would probably give

you money for those

tapes, you know,

because environmental sounds

are very popular these days.

Well, duh.

Oh.

So what have you

recorded so far?

No, I can't show you yet.

I'm only half done.

But I'm just about

to do some recording,

so sh-h-h!

Sh-h-h!

No, that's fine.

[ howling ]

that's the sound of

a wolf howling

at the moon.

Gord, nature recordings,

they should --

shh, red!

Please, I'm recording.

Oh, great!

Great, red!

Now, I've got the sound

of you and me arguing.

But that's --

that's not how nature --

what you do is take

the machine outside.

You hit record and let the

microphone catch whatever

sounds are in the air.

Well, what a cop-out.

That would take

no effort at all.

Who would wanna buy

a tape like that, huh?

Now, please, I'm trying to

record some bird calls.

All right?

Cuckoo!

Cuckoo!

That was a

large cuckoo.

Cuckoo.

Cuckoo.

That was a

little cuckoo.

No kidding.

Red:

Kind of a sad

day at the lodge.

Burying a snake,

ed's snake.

Okay, ed.

It's all right.

We made a nice

little headstone for him.

He's pretty upset.

No, it's all right.

It's all right.

Pretty upset.

These things happen.

Natural causes,

nothing to be ashamed of here

we need some closure here,

so we gotta dig a pretty

long -- long --

there's the coffin there.

Too bad.

They never curl up

when they die, apparently.

Anyway, we got the sticks.

Everybody use the sticks as -

the pall bearers can use the

sticks and just slide them

under the coffin.

Couple of us on each end,

and, you know,

shouldn't be too --

come on, now, ed.

Come on. Come on.

It's all right.

Okay, now we just gotta get he

out to the actual grave site.

'course, everybody wants

to go their own --

no, up the --

over this way.

Over this way.

You all right there, ed?

You're okay.

You're okay.

Unfortunately wedged her

between the trees here.

Oh!

Oh, oh, man.

Okay, sorry.

It's the guy's snake, guys.

Come on.

All right.

Get her up.

Get her up.

No problem.

No, I don't think

it hurt him, ed.

Yeah, I know.

That was a bad one.

Okay. All right.

You're all right.

No, you seem fine.

You're good.

You're good.

You're fine.

All right. All right.

You're good. You're good.

Oh, for gosh sake.

They couldn't decide which

way to go on this fork,

so they  --

oh, man.

Get back there!

Get over there and get it.

Hurry up!

Hurry up!

And no problem.

The trouble here --

I don't know who

measured this.

It's a little too long.

Maybe we can just enlarge --

winston!

No, winston!

Ah, come on!

Show a little respect.

Hey!

Hey, dalton, dig the

hole a little bit --

oh.

All right, what do

we do now, guys?

Well, now, winston got

an idea there.

They could ram it,

kinda like a --

a ram thing.

You know, like a --

give her one

good one, boys.

There we go.

Oh, oh, oh!

O-o-oh!

O-o-oh.

All right,

everybody's okay.

No -- no harm --

oh, my gosh!

Uh-ho.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ew!

Rest in peace.

Planet earth.

Last stop this galaxy.

You might wanna stretch

your tentacles there.

You know, red, it would have

been a different story

if those had been

real aliens.

Oh, touché.

But you know, I would've thought

that man who got me up in the

middle of the night

because the cops had picked

him up trying to get

chosen by aliens

to fly off into

the final frontier,

might feel he owed me

at least an explanation.

All right, red,

if you must know.

It was the police

band radio in my car.

Those are illegal, dalton.

Everybody has

'em up here.

I'm riding in my car,

I turn on the radio,

and there are the cops,

they're all excited about

some reported u.F.O.

In the field north

of the old switch road,

and I head right over there,

and it is a trap.

Every car in town with a police

band radio was there.

The cops nailed

every one of them.

That's pretty smart.

You sure it

was our cops?

You know, you're right.

Maybe those weren't our cops.

Maybe those were aliens in

the bodies of our cops.

Oh,

come on, dalton.

If you were an alien,

and you could pick any

body in possum lake,

would you pick chief

tackleberry's?

You seem to have this

belief that something's

gonna come out of the sky

and take you away

from all this.

Well, it happens.

Yeah, it's

called lightning.

Well, mike's ride over

rock reef falls in

a beer barrel

had a couple

of snags.

Seems like no matter how

well you think these

things through --

you know what, we should've

known we were in trouble.

You know, when we put

the barrel in the creek,

and there wasn't enough

water for it to float.

Yeah, it just kinda went

along the bottom there,

bounced along.

Then it went way

off course.

Didn't even go over

rock reef falls, really.

Went over

rock reef point.

Boy, did he pick

up speed, eh?

That thing dropped

like a death charge.

Well, it is the beer

that goes down fast.

That's true.

Oh, here he is.

Let's hear it for him.

[ applause ]

I don't wanna go on

that ride again, daddy.

Come on.

We're over here.

Come on.

You're all right.

There we go, mike.

So, mike, how far did

you get before she

flew apart?

About 20 miles.

I've never gotten to port

asbestos that fast in my life.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, did I just run

over another possum?

No, no,

it's meeting time.

It's meeting time now.

Let's go.

You guys go ahead.

I'll be down in

a minute.

Bye, daddy.

Okay.

He'll be fine.

If my wife is watchin',

I'll be comin' straight

home after the meeting.

And I learned a lot today.

I came up with a stupid idea,

and I saw it through

but with no personal injury to

myself or public embarrassment

because I know now,

that's what friends are for.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself and the

whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ applause ]

closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com

all right,

everybody sit down.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Everybody

sit down.

Sit down, guys.

Sit down.

Okay.

All rise!

[ groaning ]

quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right, bow your

heads for the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

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