The New Statue/Transcript

The complete transcript for The New Statue

Opening Words
''{Text appears on screen: "Women build friendships. Men build statues." An engine is heard humming while the sounds of clanking go on.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"The New Statue" appears as Harold sings briefly} Here's a laugh in the woods today! You're in for a big surprise! {stops singing} And now, here's the man who turned that poor little song into an ominous warning, my uncle, your host,{pointing to front door} Red Green! Ha-ha!

{The front door of the lodge opens and Red enters, waving to the audience, who cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you. Thank you very much. {holds up both hands to wave down applause} Thank you, appreciate your coming here. {rubs hands together} I had a little accident up at the lodge this week.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Little?! Yeah, right! Junior Singleton blew the roof {gestures offscreen with his thumb} right off his garage! {giggles} Little!

RED GREEN: {holds up index finger} Yeah, but he learned something: you never jumpstart a barbecue. And luckily, you know, the roof landed completely intact – upside-down, of course – in Possum Lake. And here's the kicker: she floats.

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! So get this, right? Because the roof is the only thing the lodge members have that doesn't leak, including themselves, they're gonna turn it into a boat! {nods and giggles}

RED GREEN: Yeah, Harold, not just any boat – a fan boat. {makes motions with his hands to visually describe what's happening} Yeah, we've mounted a Dodge Slant-6 on the back there. Got a helicopter rotor on there vertically. Put the whole unit in where the eavestrough joins the soffit. You know, where the bird's nest was there. And we're just gonna try it now, so stay tuned. {starts heading for the front door}

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, you can either watch it here on television or just go down to our nearest hospital and {points out the window} meet the guys there in about an hour. {giggles as Red stops and stares at Harold}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Red struggling to hold up a patio umbrella.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Today's show's about insects. I'm gonna show you how to make a bug repeller.

{Cut to Red with Ranger Gord, who is trying to catch a fly.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Ranger Gord is gonna be tagging houseflies.

{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game, where Harold is trying to get Dougie Franklin to say "Cheat".}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} 'Course, Harold's gonna be bugging everybody, includin' Dougie.

{Cut to Red, who is hidden behind a fog cloud of some kind.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'll show you how to deal with insecticide.

Plot Segment 2
''{Red and Harold enter the lodge, Red holding a statue's arm in his hand. He frowns heavily and shakes his head while Harold smiles broadly.}''

RED GREEN: You heard of Murphy's Law? This place should be called Murphy's Lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: You're gonna have to pay for that statue, you know. {giggles}

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, okay! {looks into camera} You know what? They go to start that motor on the helicopter thing, right? But the fan boat didn't go anywhere. You know why? 'Cause it never was floating. It was wedged on a sandbar! {laughs}

RED GREEN: Harold, Harold! I'll tell the story, you know? {Harold gestures toward the audience, indicating for Red to take it away} So Moose Thompson figures all you gotta do is give it a little more gas, {Harold makes a circling motion with his hand} so he gives it more throttle and more throttle... aaand... more throttle.

HAROLD GREEN: That's clever, isn't it? You know, if something's gonna go wrong, let's have it happen at maximum velocity! {laughs as Red nods in rueful agreement}

RED GREEN: Exactly, huh? The fan boat still doesn't move. What happens is, the backwash from the prop whips across town, lifts the billboard right off the main highway! {makes a throwing motion with his hand}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} This picture of a smiling cow on a unicycle that's flying through the sky. That's not gonna sell much milk. {giggles}

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: Suddenly, BOOM! Lands in the center of town!

RED GREEN: {holds up arm} Flattened the statue of some guy.

HAROLD GREEN: That's not some guy. That's just not some guy. That's Ezra Banger. He's the first citizen in Possum Lake to wangle a government grant. He got $35 to kill mosquitoes with a hammer. {points at Red} Yeah, but okay, you said the fan boat would work and it didn't! So... {singsong voice while continuing to point at Red} You made a mistake, you made a mistake!

RED GREEN: What are you talking about?

HAROLD GREEN: You said the fan boat was gonna, and it didn't! You did something stupid! Now you gotta pay! {points again; singsong voice, but softly this time} You made a mistake!

RED GREEN: All right, fine, I admit it. I made a mistake, but so did your parents.

HAROLD GREEN: {singsong voice while continuing to point at Red} You made a mistake, you made a mistake!

RED GREEN: {holding up arm} Harold, I'm armed.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
''{Red walks up to the card table, where Harold and Dougie Franklin are seated. Red has something behind his back.}''

RED GREEN: All right, they tell me this is the big one. For the grand prize of an '82 Lauda and four sets of jumper cables.

''{Red then takes out what he's holding behind his back: a sign with the word "Cheat" written on it. He holds it up to Harold.}''

RED GREEN: Harold, you have thirty seconds to get Dougie Franklin to say this word... {holds up sign to the camera and mouths the word on it while pointing to the word, then sets sign down} And go.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, um, uh... Uh... {stammers briefly} Deceive.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: The boss.

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, mislead?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Advertise?

HAROLD GREEN: {makes a hammering motion with his hand as he tries to think} All right, uh... Okay, all right, if you looked at this card now, that would be...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: ...faster. {looks at Red smugly, who smiles at him}

HAROLD GREEN: Yes, yes, but you'd be disqualified because you...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: ...got caught.

{Harold makes a smacking motion with his hand in frustration.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, okay, all right, all right, uh... Y-Y-You debunk somebody, you stack the deck, y-y-you, uh... Y-Y-You... Fraud! Uh, that's... That's...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Business. {Harold groans in frustration}

RED GREEN: {nods} All right, Dougie, but if somebody does that to you...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Oh, they're a dirty cheat!

RED GREEN: There you go, Harold.

''{Red rings the bell on table, ending the game. He and Dougie both shrug and Red gestures toward Harold.}''

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold taps on a plastic gas can.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Buttons were flying everywhere.
 * A belt buckle bounced off the mat.
 * A zipper ricocheted off the fishbowl.
 * Suspenders sprang at the cat.

HAROLD GREEN: Meow!

RED GREEN:
 * There's a lesson to be learned here.
 * You might want to take down a note.
 * You can have extra helpings or bend over,
 * But you obviously can't do both.

Handyman Corner
{Red stands behind his worktable in another corner of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: You know, hearing how Ezra Banger got himself his own statue just for killing mosquitoes has got me thinking that if a person found a better way to kill bugs, they could not only get rich, they'd get a lot more dates. {bends down behind table} So I thought I'd take this week's "Handyman Corner"... {lifts up a heavy fogging machine, grunting with effort} to show you how you can tell the insects to bug off. {sets machine down on table} All right, this thing here is called a fogging machine. Hope that came out right. The way that works is, you fill her full of pesticide {pushes a button on the machine, which causes pesticide to spray out in a cloud of fog} and then you blast out this toxic crap, killing all the mosquitoes. {pushes button again, stopping the spray} Now, the problem with this is that if you kill all the mosquitoes in your whole area, {another blast of fog sprays from the machine} you're probably also gonna take out every other form of life. {walks around in front of table as pesticide fog is sprayed in his path} Instead of that, I say we just... {coughs from the spray} we just concentrate on mosquitoes flying in your face {another blast of pesticide sprays out of the fogging machine} and biting you where you thought nothing ever would. {yet another blast of pesticide sprays out as he picks up a lawn chair sitting next to the worktable} So get yourself one of these aluminum lawn chairs {takes a drill from the worktable} and an electric drill, and get busy!

''{A montage begins as Red tries to drill holes in the chair. First, he cuts through one corner near the top of the chair. Next, he tries to hold it up while drilling through another corner. Then, he tries to hold the chair in between his legs while trying to drill that way, only for the drill to slip and hurt his finger. He reacts in pain and stumbles. After that, he holds up the chair by the drill, which is lifting the chair into the air and spinning it around, still not making headway. Finally, he has succeeded in drilling enough holes and setting up the fogging machine behind it. Several pipes are attached from the fogger into the holes in the chair.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. And now I can go out, even in the worst mosquito weather. {sits down in lawn chair, holding fogger controls} I just sit down, get comfortable, {pushes button on fogger, activating it} turn on my mosquito fogger, which is hooked up to the chair, and runs through the holes. Give her a couple of seconds to kind of warm up. {the pesticide comes out of the holes in the chair, engulfing Red} And pretty soon, that insecticide fog is gonna... {coughs on the insecticide} You know, I'll tell ya, the beauty of this system is, you don't have to put any insect repellant on. {coughs some more as he becomes almost hidden in the fog} You don't have to worry about taking toxic chemicals... {coughs} in through your skin.

''{Red keeps coughing. Wipe to a later scene. The insecticide fog is gone and the machine is turned off. Red angrily takes a sledgehammer and smashes the lawn chair flat. He then kicks the chair away. Behind him is a patio table with an umbrella in it and some hanging trinkets on it and a washing machine off to the side. After demolishing the chair, Red then looks up, noticing he's on camera, and smiles sheepishly.}''

RED GREEN: Oh! Uh, yeah, all right. {coughs} Uh, those who are allergic to the ragweed or the pollen or the {coughs repeatedly while trying to speak} DD– or the DD– or the DDT, you might want to go with a mechanical solution to the problem. You know how, uh, the horse has a tail on her there, {shakes hand around} and they flip that, and it pushes bugs away? And then in Australia, they got the hats with the corks on 'em. {shakes hand around again} They flip them around to keep the didgeridoos and the wallabies off their Billabongs? Well, you can do the same darn thing {gesturing toward patio umbrella} by taking one of these patio umbrellas {gestures toward washing machine} and a washing machine. {takes hanging trinkets} All you do is hang your various little trinkets here on the edge of the umbrella and then, uh, hook her up.

''{Another montage begins, this one with music sounding like a ticking clock. Red tries to hook up one trinket to the edge of the umbrella, which is a little too high to reach, as he jumps up to get at it, as it's bent over at an angle. Next, he has set the umbrella up straight as he has duct-taped several of the hanging trinkets to the edges of the umbrella. Then, he spins the umbrella around, revealing the trinkets sticking outward, and takes the umbrella out of the table, struggling to hold it up under its weight as he tries to carry it, spinning, over to the washing machine. Finally, Red has succeeded in duct-taping the umbrella to the agitator of the washing machine. The music ends.}''

RED GREEN: All right, there we go. I got all my doodads duct-taped to the umbrella, and I got the umbrella duct-taped to the agitator of the washing machine. She's all set to go; let's give her a try.

{Red turns on the washing machine, and the agitator jerks back and forth, which in turn causes the umbrella to jerk back and forth, resulting in the hanging objects to swing around with the jerking.}

RED GREEN: Well, there it is! And people are gonna be talking about you all over town. They'll say, "Why, it's just like a flicking horse's behind!" Or words to that effect. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{Suddenly, the agitator stops jerking back and forth and starts spinning in a full circle as the spin cycle activates. In doing so, the umbrella also spins and the hanging objects are blown outwards.}''

RED GREEN: Uh-oh, spin cycle! {runs off as the spin cycle goes faster and faster}

Commercial bumper
{Bill continues to try in vain to get his car started, using a hand crank to turn the motor over manually.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned, Bill is all cranked up and nowhere to go.

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the lodge, holding something wrapped in a towel.}

RED GREEN: Well, the town council has decided replace the statue we destroyed with our fan boat there. I tell ya, the bunch of us are in the wrong business. These sculptors are gettin' thousands for doing nothin'!

HAROLD GREEN: Nothin'?! Why, it takes a lot of talent to turn a hunk of rock into something that resembles a human face!

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, Mother Nature did it with you. {beat} Or close enough. {to camera} We don't need any fancy, high-priced, starving artist trying to rip everybody off while they wait for another Renaissance. We're gonna build the replacement statue ourselves!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh! Oh! You know what? You know what? I could– I could– I could build a sculpture pretty cheap. You know, when I was in Cubs, I used to make ashtrays out of asbestos for Father's Day. Yeah, the leaders used to figured, "You know, well, if they smoke, asbestos won't be hurting them." Haw!

RED GREEN: Well, thanks anyway, Harold, but we've already decided. We've made a little model here and everything. Take a look at this. Ready? Ready? Ready? {removes towel, revealing a carving of a possum lying on its back, playing dead} Huh? See that, eh? We're gonna have a giant possum sitting out in front of the mayor's office, eh, looking dead. Talk about life imitates art.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Oh, yeah, I'm sure. You guys think you can do everything until you try it.

RED GREEN: And you don't think you can do anything and then you prove it.

HAROLD GREEN: That's– {stops as he realizes what Red said}

Visit With Ranger Gord
{Outside Fire Watchtower 13, Red and Ranger Gord walk up to a small table.}

RED GREEN: Okay, what do you got for us today, Ranger Gord?

RANGER GORD: Well, today, Red, ladies and gentlemen, I'm performing one of my most favorite tasks as a ranger: tagging wildlife.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

RANGER GORD: Yeah. Now, sometimes I'll be tagging moose or bear, but today, I'm doing the trickiest of all: I'm tagging flies. {looks down beside table} Now, the first thing we need to do is lure them close.

RED GREEN: It's a shame Stinky Peterson isn't here.

RANGER GORD: {taking something out from under table} Well, it's not necessary, Red. I have this green pork chop.

''{Gord shoves the pork chop in Red's face. It has a hideous odor to it, which causes Red to recoil in disgust. Gord tosses the pork chop down on the table and licks his fingers. Then a fly is heard buzzing.}''

RANGER GORD: Oh, there we go! {reaches out and grabs fly} Got him! {looks at hand closely}

RED GREEN: Nice work!

RANGER GORD: No, no, it's a her.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

RANGER GORD: {bends down and picks up a container of tags} All right now, I'm going to be taking one of these tags. If you'd take down the details, please, Red?

RED GREEN: {taking clipboard} Yeah, yeah, yeah. {sees Gord set up tag} Fire away.

RANGER GORD: Now, it is a female blackfly, tag number 22395...

RED GREEN: {writing} 22395...

RANGER GORD: No discernible markings.

RED GREEN: I got it.

RANGER GORD: Now, to make sure the tag stays on, we'll use this stapler.

{Gord clips the stapler on the tag, but a splurting sound is heard, startling them both.}

RED GREEN: Oh, oh, oh!

RANGER GORD: {saddened} Oh, no.

RED GREEN: Well, it's on there.

RANGER GORD: {tearing up} I killed it, Red. {puts fly in Red's hand} I killed one of nature's wonders! {sobs}

RED GREEN: {looking closely at fly} No, no, wait, come on... No, no, no. {looks up} No, she's fine, Gord; flew away. Flying right as rain. Look at that.

RANGER GORD: {excited} She flew away?!

RED GREEN: Yeah...

RANGER GORD: She's okay?

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, just had to get used to the tag's weight.

RANGER GORD: {relieved} Oh! Okay, great. {rubs hands together} Well, let's do number 22396, huh? For dinner, I'll fry us some pork chops. {hears another fly buzzing, grabs it and looks at it closely} Okay...

Red's Handyman Tips
''{Red stands behind a worktable. He holds up a wood file.}''

RED GREEN: {somewhat annoyed} Alright, this here is a wood file. It's called a coarse bastard file. That's right, coarse bastard! It says right there: "coarse bastard". So Stinky, if you're watching this, it's you who owes me an apology!

Plot Segment 4
''{Red and Harold enter the lodge. Red has a look of frustration on his face as he holds a pickax in his hands with a basketball stuck in it.}''

RED GREEN: I don't mind people offering opinions on our sculpture, but I don't need punks playing streetball near the statue, I'll tell you that right now.

HAROLD GREEN: Th-That was– That was the Possum Lake High School team.

RED GREEN: Well, I don't care, Harold. They had a bad attitude.

HAROLD GREEN: No, they didn't. I know a lot of those girls. They're in my home ec class.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, I don't know what it is about people. They feel they gotta offer suggestions, yelling out from the back of the crowd while we're trying to carve the possum. They're saying stuff like, "Take a bit off there!" or "Put a little bit back on there!" or... "Whoops! Old Man Sedgewick's standing back, saying, "That doesn't look like a duck."

HAROLD GREEN: Well, y'know, you get thirty men whaling away on a big piece of rock with sledgehammers and axes and tire irons, you're just asking for trouble. But you know, I'm being honest. I think a lot of those people, they're just giving creative suggestions.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, by the time we got done with all their creative suggestions, our huge rock had turned into a gravel driveway. So now we gotta change our medium. We're switching to steel.

HAROLD GREEN: Good idea! Steal a statue!

RED GREEN: {shaking head} No, Harold, no, no. No, no, no, no, Harold. No, we're gonna get out all our welding gear, and we're gonna make the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse out of K-cars.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow! Now that's innovative!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Finally, a statue that gets decent mileage and a seven-year warranty! {laughs}

Commercial bumper
{Red and Winston Rothschild are sitting on a two-person couch together.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned for my buddy, Winston Rothschild, the king of pumps.

Plot Segment 5
''{Red enters the lodge, wearing a welding mask. He is looking pleased with himself as he puts his hands on his hips.}''

RED GREEN: Well, by golly! You should've seen our K-car statue. I may not know art, but I know what I like, and it's welding vehicles together. Now, I know I said the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but we had so many cars, we made seven: War, Death, Famine, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, and Shemp. {turns to Harold} It was something, wasn't it, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, boy! It was like all the windshield wipers were going; the lights were turned on; every radio was tuned to the same one: the Port Asbestos station.

RED GREEN: Yep.

HAROLD GREEN: That was... It was only time and weather, but still...

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, it was a multimedia display, really, of kinetic art and social commentary.

HAROLD GREEN: Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Where did you learn to talk like that?

RED GREEN: Well, that's what the librarian said when she saw it, you know? And, uh, she was really excited, until she realized, y'know, one of the K-cars was hers. {laughs, then holds up index finger} You know, judging from her language, I bet she reads a lot of D.H. Lawrence.

HAROLD GREEN: I don't think she was the only one who was not impressed with your work, you know. The police climbed up on the thing and stuck a ticket under everybody's windshield. {giggles} There were six for parking and one littering.

RED GREEN: Yeah, we had to give all the K-cars back, {holds up both hands} but it doesn't matter, we got a better idea. Instead of making a statue, we're just gonna take something we already have and call it a statue! We should have thought of this in the first place.

HAROLD GREEN: Something you already have?

RED GREEN: Yeah!

HAROLD GREEN: Like what? Like a lawn mower or something? {laughs} What have you got that could be considered art? Your beer can collection, or your polyester pant wall hanging? {giggles}

The Experts
''{Harold, Red and Winston Rothschild sit in the lodge around a table. Harold sits in a recliner while Red and Winston sit in a two-person couch.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! And on this week's Expert portion, we have experts: my uncle Red and of course, his good friend, Mr. Winston Rothschild!

''{Red and Winston wave as the audience applauds and cheers. Harold takes out a letter.}''

HAROLD GREEN: First letter goes as follows: "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Winston} Haw! "–What's the secret to getting a great job?" {giggles} If my uncle knew that, he wouldn't be hosting this show.

RED GREEN: Well, obviously, the key to a great job is to have an uncle that owes your father a lot of money.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Uh, well, actually, I have to diverge with you there for a second, Red. See, my dad owed all kinds of people all kinds of things, and... Actually, the only job that ever got me was a guy came up to me and said, "If you beat up another guy, he wouldn't beat up my father."

RED GREEN: {confused by what Winston just said} Well, I don't think we would ask you what a great job was about, anyway, Winston.

{Red and Harold both laugh at this remark as Red also shakes his head.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Well, uh... I don't agree. I mean, especially if the guy expires [sic] to be like me and own his own sewage and septic sucking service. {Red shakes his head again}

HAROLD GREEN: Mr. Rothschild, I think you mean "aspires".

RED GREEN: No, Harold, I think "expires" is right on the money. {he and Harold laugh again}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yeah, well, anyway, the key to a good career is finding the key to that career. That's key! You know, I happen to have found the key to the sewage and septic sucking business.

RED GREEN: Blocked sinuses?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: No, no, no. No, no. No, no, the key to successful sewage sucking is the personal touch, eh? Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. You've got to, uh... You've got to chat up the customers, eh? Oh, yeah, you gotta make them feel at home, make 'em feel special, y'know? Cater to their every need. 'Cause in my business, the customer is king.

RED GREEN: Only while they're on the throne.

''{Red looks toward Harold, who looks grossed out by that remark. Red then raises his hand for a high-five from Harold, but it doesn't come, and he ends up putting his hand down, while Harold makes a swatting motion in Red's direction.}''

Plot Segment 6
{As Harold tunes his switcher, Red enters the lodge, holding a towel, which he uses to wipe his hands with.}

RED GREEN: Well, it took us a while, but we finally got a new statue in town by just using something we already had.

HAROLD GREEN: Not Buster Hadfield's stove?

RED GREEN: No, nothing stupid, Harold. Didn't use those unused exercycles the guys brought in. Somebody suggested we have Old Man Sedgewick just stand there, pretending he's a statue, but we wanted something more lifelike.

HAROLD GREEN: Haven't you figured it out yet, Uncle Red? Art takes talent; that's what's missing here. Not the materials or supplies. Art is in the artist, not in the palette.

RED GREEN: Nope, that's right, Harold. That's why we decided to use the fan boat, eh? We've given up on art; we're gonna go with practicality.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} What? {stammering} T-T-The fan-boat's the new statue? The town council won't allow that.

RED GREEN: Oh, yes, they will, Harold. We got her set up so that the fan blows right out over the lake, breeze all the time, keeps the bugs out of town, and guarantees you're upwind from Stinky Peterson's place.

HAROLD GREEN: Ho ho! I still don't think they're just gonna let it sit there, blowing over the lake. {giggles}

RED GREEN: Oh, yes, they will, Harold, because the mayor has a sailboat.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah?

RED GREEN: Get it?

HAROLD GREEN: Haw?

RED GREEN: I'm telling you, Harold, huh? We've created a statue out of our fan boat, we got the mayor on the lake where he can't any more stupid make mistakes, and we killed a couple of hours. If that isn't art, I don't know what is!

{The audience laughs and applauds.}

HARORLD GREEN: No, I'm sure you don't.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" is heard.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, see, that's meeting time.

RED GREEN: {gesturing towards basement stairs with thumb} Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. I'll be down in a few minutes.

HAROLD GREEN: All righty. {removes switcher from himself and goes downstairs}

RED GREEN: {looking into camera} Well, this has been quite a day. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and maybe later on this evening, when we're sitting out by the lake and you hear a loud noise and a lot of wind, you can be sure that I'm responsible. {to audience} The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. {waves}

''{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold is at the front of the room, and Red joins him there.}

HAROLD GREEN: All rise!

{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down.

''{Everyone except Harold sits down. Harold sways his head back and forth, and everyone else sways their heads in imitation of him.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all those in favor of taking next year's chili contest down to a two-bean...

{Cut to an earlier point in the episode where Red holds up a carving of a possum on a wood slab.}

STEVE SMITH: {voiceover} I was telling you earlier, y'know, that, uh, people make things.

{Cut to a corner of the lodge with the name of the lodge on it, with a carving of a possum on it, along with a roll of duct tape in a dispenser.}

STEVE SMITH: The Possum Lodge sign there in front of that thing is made by the same...

{Cut to Steve, dressed as Red, who turns the slab around to reveal the name of the show carved into it, along with a carving of a caricature of Red.}

STEVE SMITH: This guy made this and brought this in. You flip it around. It's just fantastic. His name's Jim Jackson. He lives in, uh, Simcoe. Possum Lodge member 4118. {looks at slab admiringly} And, uh, boy, is that ever gonna burn good.