College Life

Harold goes to college and shares a house with three girls.

Cast (In order of Appearance):, , , ;

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game; Red's Campfire Songs; Handyman Corner; Red's Sage Advice; New Member Night; Adventures With Bill; The Experts

Transcript
{Red is sitting in a car in front of a shed.}

RED GREEN: You know, one of the big disadvantages of having a car with all the fancy extra features is you gotta pay for 'em. But most of them can be faked. For example, {points to a vertical door lock post in the door} the keyless remote door entry system? {holds up a pair of garden shears} Just get yourself a pair of pruning shears and just snip that thing off! {cuts off the post} It looks like it's down all the time. {gets out of the car} Then get yourself a child's squeaky toy. Now you can fake being rich. Well, most people got rich making something. ''{holds up a squeak toy at the car and squeezes it, squeaking it twice. He then walks away.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Red Green Show! And now here's the man who (?? appreciates ads) but just a little more repetitive, your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: All right. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. It's a very very special day for a certain somebody up at the Lodge this week. {holds up one hand and points toward Harold with the other}

HAROLD GREEN: What? What? Who, me? What? What, I didn't touch anything! I didn't, and if I did, I put it back. What?

RED GREEN: No no no no, Harold. I'm talking about the big move. Don't you have a big move coming today, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah.

RED GREEN: {chuckles} This guy right here, hah? {walks over to Harold} Blood relative of mine, full-fledged member of the Green family. I'd show you the crest, but some of the images are not suitable for family viewing. {pats Harold on the shoulder} This guy, Harold Green, has been accepted into college. Congratulations, Harold. {shakes Harold's hand}

HAROLD GREEN: Wow, he shook my hand, he shook my hand! I don't think you've ever shook my hand before.

RED GREEN: {examining his hand as though he has something on it} No, that's a handshake I'd remember, Harold. So I guess you're worried about moving into your dorm, or whatever, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: It's a house, actually. I'm moving into a house with three other students.

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay. Well, I guess you're gonna need some way of getting your stuff down there, yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: {stares at Red} Yeah?

RED GREEN: Well, don't worry about it, Harold. I will be glad to take you and all your stuff in the Possum Van. Huh? What the heck, I'm your uncle for gosh sakes, huh? {chuckles}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs nervously} Ah, you're gonna move all of me and my stuff to the city in the Possum Van!

RED GREEN: Yep!

HAROLD GREEN: Hohohaw... In broad daylight?

RED GREEN: Yeah, sure! C'mon!

The Possum Lodge Word Game
{The camera zooms out from Harold to show Red and Ranger Gord sitting on either side of him.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and this week, our friend Ranger Gord is playing for a brand new set of dumbbells! {reaches down to pick up the dumbbells, but can't lift them} Set of dumbbells, we got 'em. {tries to pick them up again} Here, they're– There's two dumbbells under the ta– {picks up the dummbells, then drops them again} Here they– whoop! They're there, you can see 'em, right?

RANGER GORD: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, they could be yours. All right. Uncle Red, {picks up the word sign, Gord plugs his ears} you have thirty seconds to get Ranger Gord to say this word: {turns the sign around to the audience} Nostril. Nostril.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {sets the sign down} Okay, go!

RANGER GORD: Cabbage.

RED GREEN: What?

RANGER GORD: Uhhh, lettuce– I mean groceries.

RED GREEN: No, I haven't given any clues yet, Gord.

RANGER GORD: Oh, you mean it's not lettuce or groceries?

RED GREEN: No, it's not lettuce or groceries.

RANGER GORD: Oh, darn, I thought I had it. Okay, uh... Android.

RED GREEN: {shakes his head and exchanges glances with Harold}

HAROLD GREEN: Better give him a clue, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Somebody better give him a clue, I'll tell you that!

RANGER GORD: A quick break.

RED GREEN: What?

RANGER GORD: I could use a quick break. I need to think.

RED GREEN: No, it's only a short game, it's thirty seconds.

HAROLD GREEN: It's only fifteen left now.

RED GREEN: All right, okay, Gord, c'mon, this word's really easy.

RANGER GORD: Uh, couch. I mean, that's a really easy word. Y'know, there's no weird pronunciation rules or spelling things. Easy to say! Oh yeah. Couch. {chuckles}

RED GREEN: Gord, you can't just say words at random.

RANGER GORD: Spaghetti. Florida?

RED GREEN: {frustrated} Wait 'til I give you a clue, and then you say it!

RANGER GORD: Ohhh, uh, android! Uhh, cookie!

RED GREEN: Gord, you know how many words there are in the English language?

RANGER GORD: {snapping his fingers} Oh, I know, uh, nostril!

{Red looks shocked for a moment, then starts ringing the bell.}

RANGER GORD: {standing up, alarmed} Fire! Fire!

HAROLD GREEN: No no, no fire! No fire!

RANGER GORD: Oh.

Plot Segment 2
{Red and Harold walk into the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, I'm sorry it turned out that way, Harold. Those college boys pointing and laughing at you like that.

HAROLD GREEN: Me? They were laughing at the Possum Van.

RED GREEN: {laughs} Oh, now why would they do that?

HAROLD GREEN: It's a Possum Van.

RED GREEN: I gotta tell you something, folks, the whole time that we were moving his junk in there, there's these three girls there, eh? I guess your roommates have got girlfriends, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh no, oh no, those three girls are my roommates.

RED GREEN: {surprised} Pardon me, Harold? You got three girls as roommates? How does that work?

HAROLD GREEN: Pretty well.

RED GREEN: No no no. No, Harold, I don't want you living in sin in there.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no no, there's no sin. Except maybe the cable hookup. But y'know, I should get back, because–

RED GREEN: No, Harold, Harold, living with three girls? You're gonna go crazy there.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha, no, Unc– nooo! There's no sweat, no problem. Nonono, it's modern times, Uncle Red. C'mon! Students are doing this sort of thing all the time nowadays. There's no problem, I'm very casual with it.

RED GREEN: Wow.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. {starts walking toward the door}

RED GREEN: Well, you know, I'll tell you something. He's a lot cooler than I thought he was.

''{Harold starts dancing wildly behind Red. Red remains facing forward, unaware of Harold's dancing.}''

Red's Campfire Song
RED GREEN:
 * If you tie a string to your finger
 * To remember what might be forgot
 * It's a little trick that I like to call
 * A handyman's Forget-Me-Not Knot.
 * Just make sure it's a bit of a slip-knot
 * That'll fall off as the week goes by
 * Otherwise you'll sit there with a string on your finger
 * And never remember why.

Handyman Corner
''{Red drives into a driveway in the Possum Van. The Handyman Corner sign is duct-taped to the side of the van. There is a large dog in the passenger seat. Red parks the van and gets out.}''

RED GREEN: Saw a show on the space program last night. Apparently, dogs were into space before humans. Oh yeah, way back when, the Russians fired a dog into a little capsule and launched him off into orbit. I bet everything went fine until he stuck his head out the hatch to feel the breeze in his face. {chuckles} Dogs love hanging out of moving vehicles, don't they? {pets the dog} So this week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna make a bit of a babysitter for your dog. A mechanical thing, kinda a puppy-go-round, eh? So first thing we need is a car window, and of course to do that, we're gonna have to find a car window. {walks over to a nearby car} Well, now, there's one here. {looks around} Car just seems to be sitting here, nobody around. Wonder if it's open. {reaches behind him and opens the passenger door} Yeah. All right, we're gonna need a hammer and a chisel on that. {runs offscreen}

''{Red returns and starts chiseling at the door hinges. He hits his thumb and walks around in pain.}''

RED GREEN: All right, we'll need a sledgehammer on that, I guess.

''{Red comes back with a sledgehammer and lines up a swing at the door, then swings and knocks out the window. The door swings closed.}''

RED GREEN: Well, that loosened her. A prybar, a prybar. {walks away}

''{Red sticks a prybar in between the car door and the frame and starts prying outward. He pulls hard, then hears a cracking or snapping noise and checks his back, then continues prying. He starts beating on the door with the prybar.}''

RED GREEN: Nonono. {drops the prybar} Need one of those big orange-colored things. {walks away}

''{Red returns with a backhoe. He drives up to the car and starts smashing the car with it, pulling out both windshields and beating on the top of the car. He then gets out and walks up to the car.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, man!

''{Red kicks the passenger door. The rear door falls off.}''

RED GREEN: All right, like I said, get yourself a car door. {picks up the door and drags it over to the van} All right, now we need something to use as a merry-go-round. And I'm thinking we're not gonna be doing any ice fishing here for a while, so hey, why don't we use our power auger, eh? {takes a power auger out of the back of the van} We're gonna need something for the dog to ride around in {drops the top of the auger on the car door, breaking the glass} ...too. How about a gym bag? Here we go. {pulls a gym bag out of the van} Gym bag! Y'know, like a doggy bag! Oh. {looks in the bag, then starts emptying it out into the van.}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is digging the auger into the ground, running around it to keep up with the handles as they spin around. He gets thrown off the auger and runs into the van, then walks back to the auger.}''

RED GREEN: That hurt. All right, what you want to do, of course, is mount the auger there. This becomes your merry-go-round. See, you wanna– that's why I picked the hard ground. Just get 'er jammed up into a rock there. No, it's perfect, yeah, all right. Now all we gotta do is just add our door and our doggy bag. {walks back to the van}

''{Wipe again. Red has mounted the car door and the bag to one of the auger's handles.}''

RED GREEN: All right, we got our pouch on there, we got the door on there, and I've got some counterweights, and she's all perfectly balanced. All we need is the dog. {starts waving to the dog offscreen} C'mon, Prince! C'mere boy, c'mon! {the dog starts whining and whimpering} Here boy, c'mon! Fritz! Here! Prince! No! No! No! Here! {the dog runs away panicked} Come here, come! Here! Here! {sighs} Well, I guess Prince remembered where he lived. So now he's the dog formerly known as Prince. Oh, wait wait wait. I got an idea. {runs offscreen, then returns holding a garden gnome} Just use this unit here. This is just like a dog. Irish setter, huh? {chuckles, then sets the gnome in the gym bag} All right, good boy. Sit! Stay! Sit! Play nice, play nice! Good boy, good boy, good boy, good boy. There'll be a treat for you later. {finishes situating the gnome} All right, now let's just start 'er up and give him a ride. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{Red starts the auger and runs away from it. It starts spinning quickly, launching the gnome at the van and shattering it.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Wanna take a minute and talk to some of you middle-aged guys out there. You know, I read somewhere that people take longer to get out of their parking space if they know there's somebody there who wants the spot. Now if you're like me, and I know you are, then this is no big surprise, huh? We've all been there, haven't we? Coming out of your parking space, you look in your rear-view mirror, and there's some dork waiting for your spot. And you just get angry, just like that, for no reason, really, and you think, oh, I'm just gonna take my own sweet time on this. Maybe polish the horn, re-fold all the road maps the right way. Now the scientists say that this is actually a holdover from the evolutionary days of the old cave man, there, where they would protect their territory. Things have gotten so pitiful that our territory now comes down to two parallel lines on the asphalt out in front of the 7-Eleven. So it's an evolutionary problem, see? So that guy, the other driver, is just gonna have to wait for us to evolve a little, and boy, that could take a while! {laughs} Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
RED GREEN: Well, Harold's been at college a whole week and he didn't call me to come and get him. So I guess he's adjusting to having all those women around. Hey, I know he went for an education, but I bet he's getting more than he bargained for. {chuckles}

''{Harold walks into the Lodge wearing a tan sweater, green khakis, new shoes and a pair of sunglasses. The audience cheers wildly. He walks up to Red and swishes his hips.}''

RED GREEN: Oh... You know what you look like? Huh? You look like that guy from Saturday Night Favor.

HAROLD GREEN: Fever. Saturday Night Fever?

RED GREEN: With you, it'd be a favor, I'm thinking. How's it going with your new roommates?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, good. Oh yeah. They said I'm not like any other guy they've ever met. They say they find me non-threatening.

RED GREEN: Yeah. So it doesn't bother you, they sit around, wearing their pajamas, Harold? Have their friends over, {quietly, making hair-brushing motions} or brush their hair in front of a mirror?

HAROLD GREEN: Ha. Brush their hair, ha ha. {suddenly agitated} I can't even sleep! I'm going crazy! They got curves, Uncle Red! {nervously} They talk to me, with their voices! {laughs nervously, starts babbling in a high-pitched voice} I can't do that work, I can't! {normal voice} They walk around with their legs! waaaa! {quickly} Uncle Red, Uncle Red, Uncle Red, you know when they walk? You know when they walk? waaAA! Their legs move!

RED GREEN: {trying to steady Harold} Okay, Harold, Harold, Harold. Come outside. The lake is really cold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh good!

{Red walks Harold over to the door}

New Member Night
''{Red, Arnie and another man are standing in the basement in front of a gathering of Lodge members. Arnie's arm is in a sling, and he has a splint on his middle finger.}''

RED GREEN: All right, men, as you know, it's New Member Night, and Arnie Dogan, the local roofer, has brought a fella in he'd like to propose. Looks like this guy's a few shingles short of a dormer to me. Take 'er away, Arnie.

ARNIE DOGAN: Thanks, Red. Gentlemen, I'd like to present for your consideration a fellow who's been working with me in the roofing business. Looney. Well, actually, it's Hector Sanders, and we just call him Looney because he falls so fast. Now, Looney here, he's got a lot of good points. He's not afraid of anything and he's good with a hammer and a nail. You give him a hammer and a nail and a shingle and he gets into a bit more trouble. Now, I see some of you guys recognize him as the drummer in my band, "Arnie Dogan and the Chartreuse Riders, the Sagebrush Stormy Midnight Mountain Ramblin' Boys, Featuring Arnie Dogan." So, if Looney gets in, you see, we get a free drummer for all the Lodge weddings and funerals and what not. So, thanks for your consideration.

RED GREEN: All those in favor? {nobody raises their hand}

ARNIE DOGAN: Well, I should mention that if Looney doesn't get in, I'll be singing protest songs in front of the Lodge twenty-four hours a day.

RED GREEN: All those in favor?

EVERYONE: Aye! {the men all raise their hands}

RED GREEN: {shakes Looney's hand} All right, Looney, you're in.

Inside References

 * Adventures With Bill
 * Bill pulls several items out of his overalls.
 * Red says "It's a boy!".

Real-World References

 * Handyman Corner
 * At the start of the segment, Red is referring to Laika, a Soviet dog who, in 1957, became the first mammal to orbit the Earth.
 * Red's comment about his dog is a reference to the American musician Prince. At the time this episode was released, he was often referred to as "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince".

Famous People

 * Red mentions the 1977 movie Saturday Night Fever.