The Red Green Story: We're All in This Together/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ ♪ ]

In this very

studio in 1990,

the Red Green Show

was born.

The series had a low budget

and even lower expectations

and yet it survived

or 15 seasons,

generating 300 episodes,

a bunch of specials,

four books,

a weekly newspaper column,

a whole whack of DVDs,

a hamper full of T-shirts

and a feature film.

The show has been watched

in many places on the globe

and even

in outer space

and yet no one

has ever seen it

the way you're going

to see it tonight.

Hi everyone

and welcome to

The Red Green Story:

We're All In This Together.

My name

is Meg Ruffman

and I've worked with every

single one of these

cast members

in television,

radio, cartoons,

commercials

and films,

and what they won't

tell you... I will.

RED GREEN: Something

a little different

on the Adventures

With Bill this week.

Bill thought he'd show you

that he's a bit of a sport,

a bit

of a natural --

well, not really natural

at anything I guess,

but he thought he'd show

you about waterskiing.

I think maybe cleaning off

the dock might've been...

well, you know.

Mr. Rick Green!

[ APPLAUSE ]

So Rick, you had more

roles on this show

than anybody

I personally know.

And you were the

talent director for a while,

The director,

the talent director --

Actor, the guy,

the human piñata guy.

So which one of those

things is the most

fun for you?

Well, the acting is

obviously the most fun.

It is?

Yeah 'cause you're

goofing around,

and you've got

people laughing.

You're writing,

you're alone in a room,

you send off an email,

and either it doesn't

come back or it does,

re-written,

and you never know if it's

not come back if it's

going to air

if it was good enough or

it's just into the --

So, no, the acting

was the most fun.

♪ I'M GORGEOUS,

I'M GORGEOUS ♪

♪ I LOVE MY HOOTENHEIN ♪

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

Ready for another

beer there, Harold?

It's apple juice!

RICK GREEN:

Would you welcome,

please, Patrick McKenna.

Patrick, come on!

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ INDISCERNIBLE CHATTER ]

Okay Patrick, you had a

character to play

who was ridiculed often

by this one here.

Ridiculed and yet you had

the most forgiving kind

of personality.

I was paid.

You were?

WHAT?!

I've never

liked this man.

Your relationship --

not yours, but Harold's

relationship with Red,

how did you describe

it to yourself

in order to bring

out the forgivingness?

Oh, just

hero worship.

I just worshipped

my uncle.

If I could be like my uncle,

that would be great.

That's basically all I ever

said to myself every time...

Isn't he

the greatest?

I just played

that all the time

and that

was acting, man.

You'll get to see it

in a few minutes.

Oh yeah.

Oh, this guy.

I know.

Well, it certainly proved

your flexibility

as an actor.

That's one way of

putting it.

Okay, it took

a little extra time

and little

extra imagination,

but we now have the perfect

way to clean out your car.

You don't have to do any

bending, you don't

need a vacuum

and it won't kill

a whole afternoon.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Oh, if you're wondering

how that car cleaning

thing works...

I'll give you

three guesses.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

PATRICK McKENNA:

Hands together for the

creator of the Red Green Show,

Steve Smith.

[ APPLAUSE ]

Oh yeah,

sit down.

So it's 30 years ao

you had this idea

for the Red Green

character when you

think about it.

Oh yeah,

it was 30, yes.

It was kind of

a while ago.

I was making fun

of Red Fisher,

the man who thought nothing

would bore you, you know.

It was his job to

fill the half-hour,

it was your job to

make it interesting,

and I thought, hey,

I can do that.

So it built up into --

you had a fan club of

120 000 people.

Oh, the fan club,

that really came out of

the show being cancelled

and people were writing in

letters and then we --

they wanted us to form

some kind of a real lodge

and have a

fan club going.

I remember one day --

we had a warehouse up

in Stoney Creek here,

and I had the possum

van sitting there,

and I went into

work one day

and there were two cops

sitting in a cop car.

So I get out of my car

and I'm just going

to the office,

they say,

Hey! Is that your van?

I said... yeah?

confidence?ch

Yeah...

And they said, Well,

we just ran the plates,

and those plates aren't

registered to that van.

And I'm thinking,

holy cow,

the possum van was a

repo to begin with.

I got 25 bucks worth of porch

floor enamel invested

in the paint job.

So they said, Maybe you'd

better come downtown.

And they flipped

open their badges.

It was their membership

cards in the lodge!

That's a true story.

And they still took him

downtown and beat the

crap out of him!

Obviously

not all of it.

RICK:

They left enough

for another season.

So how'd you know that

at the time when you

started it out

that you could entertain

millions of people

for 15 years

by just making

fun of guys?

We didn't know

anything of the kind.

In fact, my wife

and I had done a show

together for years,

and then she

kind of retired

because our boys were

going to high school.

So I was looking for something

to do for six months,

and Rick and I had been

writing together for 10

years prior to that

in the hopes that he was

eventually going to come

up with something.

Just something.

We were just -- I was

dozing a little,

but I think he's commented

earlier how we just

wanted to do something

that was fun for us.

And it was such

an amazing thing

that it responded

with other people.

I remember

very early on,

getting a picture from

four guys in Winnipeg,

and they looked like us,

which is depressing enough,

and they had written

their nicknames --

they fished together.

The one guy was

Jimbo and Stinky

and Shorty

and the last guy,

his nickname was

'What Rock,' okay.

Then in brackets it said,

"he was driving the boat."

I'm thinking,

this is our fan base.

We embraced

those people.

That was great.

Okay, so 30 years ago

you'd started doing

Red Green

on the Smith & Smith show.

We came across an old tape in

Stinky Peterson's suitcase.

We thought you might

like to see that.

You touched Stinky

Peterson's suitcase?

I know,

nobody told me!

It'd be

fairly dry by now.

[ ♪ ]

How you doin' there?

How are you doing?

It's Red Green

up at the lodge here.

You know something that

happens to me an awful lot,

I'll be at a party

or something,

and somebody will stand

right beside and say,

[SNIFFS]

You must do a

lot of fishin'.

Early on we were developing

the ideas for the show.

We were doing a bit of

writing and Steve said,

There's somebody

I want you to see,

so we went down

to Second City --

this was back in the

Old Firehall days,

it was a rockin' place,

and Pat came out

in one scene

as Harold as

an eight-year-old.

of Free Trade.

What?

We said that together,

we didn't plan it

or nothing.

Is that

a bonus mark?

And then Steve leaned

over and said,

Imagine that, 16 years old,

standing beside me.

And I was like,

that'd be good.

Otherwise, Red,

with the amount of

body movement he has,

he's going to blend

right into the scenery.

You need something

up there moving,

and so that was --

okay, that'll be fun.

Wow, that

was unfortunate.

The sugaring off didn't

really go so well.

Ho! There's a major

understatement.

Well, the first

part went okay.

We hooked Junior's pump up

to about 50 trees,

and then we switched it

on and in about 15 seconds

it sucked

them all dry.

40-foot oak trees

imploding.

You should have seen it.

You should have seen it.

You know what

it looked like,

it was so cool.

You know what

it looked like?

It looked like the Wicked

Witch of the West in

the Wizard of Oz,

I'm melting,

I'm melting!

I'll get you and

your little dog too!

Oh the inhumanity

of it aaaaaall!

Owww. Owww.

Owwwwwww.

♪ If he only

had a brain ♪

You know, when we were

starting to do the show,

before we had decided

what segments were

going to be in it,

Rick came to my house and

we put up a Super-8 projector

on the

laundry room wall,

and he showed me films that

he had shot in Europe with

a friend of his,

and it was the

same kind of stuff,

and that became

Adventures With Bill.

As soon as I saw that,

that's the way we

got to do it.

And no sound, we'll add

the sound in later

so that we can focus the

sounds we want to have.

[ NO SOUND ]

RED GREEN:

Anyway, he's all set,

throws the rope in

and gives me the signal.

I love this part, I just love

givin' it the gas and...

Oh, oh, boy oh boy.

Oh.

That's a shame,

that's a shame.

So he puts some of

the goalie gloves on,

and it's a little easier

on the fingers

but then I couldn't

get the signal --

Okay, I got it.

I love this part.

And away we go...

but look at his skis jammed

between the boards on

the dock there

and what a shame.

Whoaaaa!

Waterskiing's

kinda dangerous.

Try getting a little closer

to the edge of the --

well, oh, oh...

Maybe a little too --

now he sits farther back

so he won't --

Looks good, looks good,

looks good,

oh, oh, oh...

Well, I think he's okay.

You okay Bill?

Yup, yup, fine, fine.

This was a

misunderstanding.

He was bringing a ski in

and he gave me the signal,

meaning he had the ski,

but I thought that,

because I love this part...

and oh boy...

I felt bad.

Ah, he's okay.

Now he's finally figured out,

sit on the edge of the dock

and that way you can control

it better, and away we go.

Oh boy, love the boat,

love it.

What he didn't notice,

I guess, and I didn't either,

was that the rope was

tied around the --

And I was kinda busy

driving there and --

I think he kinda got ready

for a big jolt there but

actually --

oh, oh, ow!

And Bill's okay.

You know, he's tied up

for the weekend.

Welcome to the Experts

Portion of the show.

In this week's Experts

Portion of the show,

we have experts,

my Uncle Red and his good

friend, Edgar Montrose.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

First letter

goes as follows...

Alrighty, "Dear experts,

I took my children to

a movie recently,

"and I was disgusted by

the language and the nudity,

"and that was just

in the car beside us."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"The movie was far too violent

for children or seniors

"or anyone who hasn't spent

time in either prison

or the navy.

"How can we get Hollywood

to clean up its act?

"signed, Offended"

Well, I agree

with this viewer.

I'm telling you,

my wife Bernice

dragged me out to see

Mary Poppins a few

years ago and man,

talk about offensive,

I thought I was going

to get diabetes.

They started singing that

supercali-narcoleptic-

extra-halitosis,

I just about lost

my licorice nibs.

I'll tell you what's

wrong with movies...

they give the kids a

false sense of reality,

like that movie "Speed"

when the bus blew up.

You never get

that much flame.

I know, I was the mechanic

at a bus company for

a couple of days.

Well, I would like

to caution our viewers

that there have been

some great movies made

that are both educational

and uplifting.

Yeah,

in the old days,

like "The Bridge Over

the River Kwai."

Did you see that baby

go up at the end?

And the train went

crashing into

the river.

It won an Oscar

for best picture.

But that one now,

"Bridges of Madison County,"

I waited for one of

those bridges to go up

but nothing!

And I wasn't the

only one disappointed.

Everybody in the theatre

was crying by the end.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Movies today

just don't deliver.

I do have to

disagree with you

because there has been

some great films made.

You know,

like "Forest Gump",

"The Piano",

"Dances With Wolves."

I saw that one.

[ LAUGHTER

AND APPLAUSE ]

Now, the native guy

was okay...

should've got the Oscar.

but the rest of

it was a yawn.

Now, what they needed

was one of those buffalo

to get backed up

with methane.

Catch his hoof on

a piece of flint

and go off like a

big, furry grenade.

Ka-boom!

Talk about your

burgers to go.

Well, I got the

job as Edgar

after coming back from

"Northern Exposure,"

and I was sitting

at SeaTac Airport,

and there is Steve Smith

and Gordon Pinsent on

the TV screen.

I was very curious

about what it was

so I asked the man behind the

counter if he could

turn that up.

And he turned it up and

I was listening to it,

and as I was listening,

it was men gathered

all around me --

there was people gathering

around me and they were

all laughing.

They were

fans of the show.

So I said, I got to

get on this somehow.

So I saw Steve

at the Gemini Awards

and I dropped to my knees

in front of him

and I said,

Please, please, I want to

be on your show.

I want to be on

The Red Green Show.

About a year later I got

a call and he said

come on over.

This here is the repair shop

part of the show we call,

if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

Edgar Montrose here has

brought in something

for us to fix.

What do you got

for us, Edgar?

Oh no thanks, Red.

My mom wanted her

dining room set

refinished,

so I started it but I

was kinda hoping you'd

help me finish.

Well, I'll see

what I can do.

You've got it burned

up the side there,

what are you doing,

using a heat gun on

the varnish there?

No, that was

from the explosion.

You want to tell us

about that, Edgar?

No, Red...

not my

proudest moment.

All right,

I'll skip it.

Well, here you

can use duct tape,

and stick it on the varnish

and peel it off slow,

and she'll just lift

right off there.

No, no, I don't want

to refinish that chair,

I just brought it

in as a reference.

See, I want to repair

the other three chairs

so they match this one

so they're a complete

set again.

Oh, the rest of the

dining room set that

was maybe hurt

by that explosion you

don't want to talk about?

All right,

yeah, all right.

the other chairs.

Oh, okay.

But here again,

even with repair work,

you can use the duct tape

on that because the spindles,

sometimes

they get loose.

You can do

the keening work

or even if you got

tears in the material,

you can...

Or even if the chair

is loose, you can --

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

So are these the

other three chairs?

And the

dining room table.

Just let me say

in my defence

that chemical

paint stripper

and nitro-glycerine

are both

clear liquids.

This is a part Steve wrote for

Harold specifically as

a solo piece,

and I was just --

we were always hardwired,

and didn't I have the ability

to move around much,

so I guess there

was just the crew,

and Steve wrote

these little pieces,

maybe about 15-20

seconds long

of Harold's

teenage suggestions.

Steve has

a brilliant mind,

he can

memorize anything.

It takes

me a long time,

so I would just kind of

riff through these things.

Steve would sit about

three feet away from me

kind of going,

No, do that again.

And you'd do

it again, he'd go,

No, you missed this.

Do it again.

But each time it was

challenging me to be

more focused

and more specific

with the jokes.

'Cause he wrote these

jokes and he always said,

You can't improvise anything

better than what I've written

because I've already

thought of what you did,

chose not to use that

and made this joke.

And he was always right

because it was always the

second or third joke.

Steve was really

funny that way,

they were deep,

funny jokes.

So you tried to make

sure you got the jokes.

And that was

the introduction to,

this is the way we're going

to be approaching scripts.

So it was

really challenging

because I wanted to

impress him as well.

And coming from

Second City,

you have the immediate

gratification of an audience,

the studio had

to be very quiet.

So for me, the only reward

was if Steve laughed

or the crew laughed,

and once you've

done it 10 times,

it's really hard

to get people to laugh

so you've got to find new

moments and all that

sort of stuff.

That was the discovery of

the character

was him sitting right

in front of me just,

do it again, do it again,

do it again.

It was great.

RED GREEN:

And now here's something

for the young people,

or as we call it...

filler.

Hi, okay, welcome to the

first ever edition of...

Haha! Hoho! Wha!

Okay, so maybe

you've had a similar

high school experience

where a big kid

comes along

and he knocks the books

out of your hands

and he punches you,

and he stands on your lip

as he eats your lunch.

Yeah, well, okay, it's not

so bad the first few times,

but eventually you're going

to want to know the art of

Bully-Proofing!

Ow...

It looks soft,

doesn't it?

It looks soft!

There's numerous proven

techniques -- that looks soft!

Proven techniques

throughout the times,

like, for instance,

one of the good ones...

fleeing quickly...

often times a

good one.

The other one:

the deadly garlic diet.

Or perhaps the famous and

Oriental technique

of nunchuk.

That's a

good one too,

that's when you

throw up on a person.

But whatever you choose,

the point is

you got to stand up

for yourself so --

Harold!

What is it?!

Uncle Red, what?

with all that stuff!

Okay, all right.

I don't even

think so, BUDDY.

And clean up all those

blocks you knocked over!

Okay, alrighty,

thanks.

Okay.

Often these people would

show up to do the work,

the actual rigging of the --

sawing a bus in half

or whatever,

and they weren't

familiar with the show.

So there'd be a television

crew waiting for them

to saw a school bus

in half or cut the

lid or whatever.

And they'd be...

[IN FUNNY ACCENT]

What's going on here?

I don't know, these crazy

people in Canadian television,

why are they

making cut bus?

You want bus top off?

Yeah, yeah, just cut

it off and --

I got this unit

for 50 bucks.

50 bucks.

Yeah, a lot of

parts are missing

and it doesn't

run too good

but 50 bucks?

Boy, our society's values

are all screwed up.

Now, you can make

anything out of this.

You could make a...

Well, you're really only

limited by your own

imagination.

I tell you what

I'm going to do,

I'm going to turn this thing

into a cigarette car.

Now, you know you've got

those cigarette boats

where the driver

sits at the very back

and the hood goes way

out in front of him?

I'm going to make the version

of that for the road.

Yeah, I've already got

the back seat to drive from

and I've got

the big long hood,

except right now

it's a roof.

All right, I had to switch

to the sawz-all there

because I cut

through the torch.

But I got her all set,

she's pretty much done now.

Just got to cut

out the windows

and then drop

that whole roof down.

That's going to be my hood

and then I'm done, that's it.

Well, no, I've got to

hook up the steering

at the back

and then the brake

and the gas

and the clutch --

standard --

and then the

transmission,

and then the turn signals,

get her safetied.

That's a wrap.

And there

you have it,

the world's first

cigarette car.

Is she a beauty

or what?

Not much on seating,

but you can't beat

her for legroom.

Kind of looks like a batmobile

or something, doesn't it?

I can be a superhero.

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na

busboy! ♪

Well, let's take

her for a spin

before they tighten up the

transportation laws.

This isn't a streetcar

named Desire,

it's a bus

called horse.

We actually did our first

day of shooting,

I'm going to say

December 10, 1989.

We did "Winter Poems".

We wanted to shoot --

we didn't want to

wait till spring

for the series to start,

we wanted to shoot while

the weather was with us.

And we were in a little forest

near this farm where we

did a lot of shooting.

We did, I don't know,

probably 48 of these

stupid little poems,

and we called it,

"The Winter of Our

Discount Tent"

and a dream was born.

"It is winter.

"Children's laughter

at the front door.

"They tumble

into the house,

"boots off,

hats off,

"sweaters, snowsuits,

scarves and mittens

"are peeled away.

"Hey, these aren't

your kids!"

Then a couple

of years into it,

you got cancelled.

It was nasty.

Do you guys remember how --

Now, wait a minute.

The show got cancelled,

we were still there.

We should have

been cancelled,

the show should have

continued on.

Yeah, that was --

it really wasn't that

the show wasn't doing well,

it was that the station

couldn't afford to --

they cancelled all their

productions so...

but that was tough.

I mean, I think

we all knew

it should have been

cancelled in the

first week,

and after that it

just didn't seem fair.

So it's like you shouldn't be

put up for adoption

when you're 11.

Either do it right away

or don't ever do it.

So anyway we kind of

accepted it.

We were disappointed

because it was fun for us,

but the reaction of the

viewers was unbelievable.

We had a post office

box number by that time

because we had the

fan club going,

and I would go down

there to get the mail,

and the guy would say,

Okay, here's the mail.

And it was all just

supportive mail from

people like you guys

to keep the

show on the air,

a lot of

heartfelt stuff.

And I'd take them

and that was pretty good.

Then I'd get to the door

and he'd say, I think

there's a bit more,

and I'd go back and he'd

have a big box of mail,

and I was getting

this every day.

And that's what got the show

picked up by another

broadcaster,

because I took those

letters in with me.

That's how we got

the show into America,

I took those letters.

And if you watch any of the

episodes where we have

the experts segment,

there's a big bag of mail

where whoever's doing

it picks up --

that's the very bag

and that's the very mail

that those

viewers sent in.

It was cool.

That's so cool.

So that -- and that's

when the fan club started?

That got

everything going.

And the crazy fans,

holy mackerel.

I was doing a book

signing in Detroit,

and these guys said to me,

You got to come out to

the parking lot.

We've got a

Possum Lodge 'vette.

So I go to

the parking lot,

it's not a CORvette,

it's a CHEvette.

They got this possum

made out of a coat

hanger on the hood

and they got the gas cap

duct-taped to the door

so when you open the door

it flips the thing open

and on the back of it,

on the hatchback,

they had duct-taped a

pair of gloves to

the outside

so that when you're

pushing it your hands

don't get cold.

Welcome to the

Possum Lodge Word Game,

where tonight's grand prize

is a weekend for two

at the solitaire

championships.

Okay, Uncle Red,

you have 30 seconds

to get Mike Hamar

to say this word...

And go.

All right, Mike, your

mother is married to...

Her job.

Exotic dancing's

her life.

Right, okay, okay.

I'm talking about the man

who took care of you

when you were young

was your...

Truant officer.

This is a

family member, Mike.

The man who slept

with your mother...

Could you be

more specific?

When I first

came on the show,

it was about three years

into the run of Red Green,

Rick Green and Steve

came to visit me

on the set of Robocop.

I was doing a henchmen

to a bad guy in Robocop

and I had a little

pompadour hair thing,

and I looked

really mousey.

I do anyway, but I looked

particular mousey,

and they came and visited me

on the set for lunch,

and I was introduced to

Steve for the first time.

I knew Rick before,

I'd worked with him.

And they told me generally

what they had in mind,

and I said, Well, what do

you want him to look like?

And they said, Well, that

looks pretty good, actually.

Let's go with that.

So it stuck and it worked.

It seemed to work.

He's a cute little

guy, you know.

Everybody wanted to

just give him a big hug

and take care of him.

Even I did.

I loved that little guy,

I miss him.

And now we've come to

a segment of the show

that I really enjoy,

what I like to call,

Meet Your Member.

Well, to be fair and

honest, Mr. Green,

I'm not really

a member yet.

I mean, I only applied

a few days ago.

Oh, that's right, Mike,

you're still in your

trial period.

Yeah, and I usually don't

do too good at trials.

Oh no, that's all

behind you now.

And Mike has unfortunately

spent most of his adult

life behind bars.

Plus I leaned

on a few.

Well, I think it's been

good for you, don't you,

being around the lodge,

around the guys and so on?

Oh yeah, yeah, sure.

I mean being around you

guys has been great.

Seeing the way you dress

and hearing the way you talk

and seeing what you've

made of yourself,

that's convinced me I

gotta get more education.

Oh so you're going

back to school, are you?

Oh yeah, I've got my eye

on a business degree.

I'm going to take my

thesis in Economics

and probably do

a Master's

in International

Money Lending.

Wow.

As soon as I get

my grade eight.

Well, Mike, we've

been watching you,

and we think you deserve

a little pat on the

back here so...

Mike, welcome

to Possum Lodge.

Oh really!

I'm in?

I'm a member?

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

This is amazing!

I've never belonged

to nothing legal before.

You know what I'm

going to do, Mr. Green?

I'm going to

save up my pay

and change my Satan tattoo

into a possum.

You know what else I've

got for you in my wallet?

I have your membership

card for the Possum Lodge.

Really?

Yeah.

Really?

Oh, you did

this for me?

Oh, gee,

thanks, Mr. Green.

A lot of times in the

early process

I think we'd do some of the

outdoor stuff together,

and we'd just do things like,

Steve would say,

We're going to discuss you

learning to drive.

And we'd just walk

down the street

and the cameramen would

follow us and we would talk.

And it was just sort of

an improvisation that

we would do,

and whether he'd use them

or not, we're not sure,

but we knew the

characters so well

and the respect between the

status of Harold and Red,

these conversations

were wonderful.

One time we're walking

down the middle of a

stream, talking,

and this butterfly came

in and landed on

the end of my fishing rod,

right in the shot,

and we just started talking

about the butterfly,

and then it flew away

and we went back to

what we were talking about.

No one broke the

scene or anything,

it was just constant

magic that would happen.

You just embraced it and went

with it and it was great.

Things like that happened

all the time,

when it can't get

better than this

than when you just

"are" with somebody.

Dalton Humphries brought

something in for us to fix.

What'd you bring

us there, Dalton?

Well, Red, you know,

today I was hoping

you could fix my

tennis racket here.

Just got

that last week.

John McEnroe have a

garage sale, did he?

Oh no, that's

brand new, Red.

Can you fix it?

Boy, I don't know,

Dalton.

See, this is

titanium graphite

and those strings are made

from snow leopard gut.

It almost looks like it's

been bent around a post

or something.

Yeah, no,

my wife did that,

around her knee.

Wow.

Yeah, Anne-Marie's

a smallish woman,

but when those

hormones kick in,

she's got

a power to her.

So did she break

the strings, too?

No no, we did

that together.

May I?

Sure yeah.

It was this

kind of look, see.

She had just

an impressive

overhand smash

that just really

got all of it.

Are you having problems

at home of any kind?

Oh no, no no no.

[CHUCKLE]

Nothing serious, Red.

We recently had

our 20th wedding

anniversary...

which I forgot.

And tried to pass off

this tennis racket

as an

anniversary gift.

And apparently Anne-Marie

isn't a big tennis fan.

Well, that's

too bad, Dalton,

but congratulations

on the 20th anniversary.

That's silver,

isn't it?

I don't know

what it is,

but I'll tell you

what it's not...

it's not

titanium-graphite.

Well, the way I got the

Dalton job, as it were,

was that one day I

was in an audition --

I think it was some ghastly

commercial audition,

and Peter Wildman

was there auditioning.

I said hi, and we chatted

because we knew each other,

and he left the building

and I was sitting there

just staring at

my lines or whatever,

and then he comes back in the

door and says, you know what,

you should phone Steve Smith

because there's this guy --

they had this character,

this country character,

and they had somebody in mind

for it and he backed out,

so why don't you

give Steve a call?

Listen, let me give

you his number.

So I took the number,

and I phoned Steve

and he said,

Yeah, sure, yeah, fine, good,

and then I

just showed up.

So that was it,

that was the whole deal.

Peter Wildman's

fluke walked up,

Bob, why don't

you phone Steve?

Steve phoned him,

yeah, that's fine.

ANNOUNCER: Announcing

a motion picture event

of unprecedented scope

and unparalleled

septic significance.

Winston Rothschild III

in his first dramatic role

as John Tole,

a poor, itinerant sewage and

septic-sucking technician.

I'll be around,

wherever you look.

Wherever

there's a fight

where some plumber's

cheating some poor guy,

I'll be there.

I'll be there in the

way a guy reaches

to raise the seat

or jiggle the handle.

Wherever people flush

without thinking

or walk through

their yards

without finding that

soft, mushy spot

or enjoy the smell of a sweet

summer breeze instead of...

something else.

I'll be there.

ANNOUNCER: Coming this summer

to a theatre near you.

[ APPLAUSE ]

So...

Oh my.

So you actually met Jeff

at an Oktoberfest weekend,

you were the

parade judges.

He and I were parade judges,

and there was beer

and there was a bus

covered with coins,

which is illegal

in every planet.

And Jeff and I

and his wife Julie,

we just kind of

hit it off.

We had the same

kind of attitude.

He's got this energy,

he's a positive guy.

So I thought, what

would be the least likely

positive-thinking guy?

it's got to be

a guy who owns

his own septic sucking

business, you know.

He thinks he's got

the world by the tail,

and it smells

like he's right.

I had never seen a Red Green

show up until that point.

It was pretty new on TV

and we just --

Coz it's a whole

weekend thing.

You do the fest halls

on the Saturday night,

the parade's

usually on Sunday

and then they have

a dinner afterwards.

So we spent the whole

weekend together,

and it was

just fantastic.

When we got back to Hamilton,

I had Steve on my show,

and then he became a regular

character on the show.

We'd do the odd

Handyman Corner,

radio version,

and then one day

Steve just said,

I want to take

you out for lunch.

So we went out to lunch

in Burlington,

and I seem to remember the

story going something like,

I really need a sewage and

septic sucking guy

for the show,

and your name

floated to the top,

and the rest

is history.

It's time for the

Possum Lodge Word Game,

and how would you like

a brand new bass boat

with 150 horsepower

outboard motor

and matching trailer?!

Everybody

would love that,

because you would look

so cool when you go fishing

with our brand new

grand prize of tonight,

a bait bucket!

And tonight's contestant

is Mr. Winston Rothschild

of Rothschild's Sewage and

Septic Sucking Services.

Uncle Red,

you have 30 seconds

to get Mr. Rothschild

to say this word...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, go!

Okay Winston,

your body has the life

sucked out of it,

you are...

Standing too close

to the sewage pump.

No, no.

You're six feet under

so you're...

Running out of hose.

When animals become

roadkill they are...

Bigger.

But thinner.

No no no.

I know, there's

an expression,

he's as 'something'

is a door nail.

Short.

No.

Flat-headed.

No.

Pointy at one end.

Running out of time,

Uncle Red!

All right, Winston,

if all of us go on

town sewers...

Oh geez,

I'd be dead.

There was this one time

we got this inauguration into

the Sons of Desert

Fan Club.

The Suns of Desert Fan Club

was something that was started

for the Laurel & Hardy

Fan Club back in the '20s.

I think it was Laurel & Hardy,

Abbott & Costello,

Martin & Lewis,

Smith & McKenna

were the only people

involved in this group.

And it really meant

a lot to me

because somebody

presented us with this.

I don't know if Steve

even remembers it,

but it meant a lot to me

because I'd never experienced

anything like that,

and I was a huge

Martin & Lewis fan.

I thought there was a lot of

what Steve and I did

was very Martin & Lewis.

When comedy teams happen

and communicate with

an audience,

it's rare.

So someone from out there

recognized the rarity of this

and was congratulating

us on it,

and I really

took it to heart,

because it's

hard to do that.

It's magic

when it happens.

So when I read all these

books about other

comedy teams,

if they talk about that,

I completely understand,

'cause odds are

it's not going to happen.

Good marriages don't

usually just happen,

you have to work at them

and this is what this was.

so a lot of great things

came out of that.

It's mail call.

[HOWLS]

Okay, oh, here's

a letter from... Phil Morton

of Grand Prairie,

Alberta,

or Bill Nerland of

Grand Price, Alabama.

It could be Dale Martin

of Great Proud America --

Bad handwriting,

Harold?

It looks like barbed wire,

I don't know what --

Must be a doctor.

"Dear Red" --

or is that deaf bed?

Dead bear!

Yeah, probably

dead bear, yeah.

Dead bear, okay.

I am your number one

fan or fur or fuzz.

I'm your

number one fuzz.

I never muss a

simple epilogue.

I have every epilogue of the

dead bear show on type.

My flavourite part of the

snow is handyman's coronary.

My waif -- my waif says

her flavourline part

of the proyam

is adwrenchers

with boil.

She rally licked the one

where boil built a

hand glitter

and tried to fry it.

Kelp up the gord walk

and kelp your

stake on the ice.

Your fry bleb.

Oh, B.S...

bleep cinch me up for

the bossom lounge far clone.

Okay, well, thanks

for rotting, bleb.

Very glad you

employ the shaw,

and I'll certainly tell

boil that you're waif

really licked

adwrenchers with boil.

Drop us a line again

some time soup,

and I will get

my nephew Herman here

to send you and your waif up

for a bossom lounge

far clone.

Hap Shaughnessy has

brought something in

for us to fix.

What do you

got there, Hap?

Well, I got an old

hockey stick here

and the tape

is coming off.

I was hoping you'd be

able to fix it for me.

Well, sure.

To fix tape, now,

I recommend... tape.

in the vice here.

Nah-nah, don't.

You have to be

careful there, Red,

I don't want you to scuff

Bower's autograph.

Man, you got Johnny Bower's

autograph on there.

Yeah, I got all

their autographs.

Dave Keon,

Frank Mahovlich.

George Armstrong.

Yeah, the whole 1967

Stanley Cup winning team,

got everyone on

the team.

Bobby Baun,

Hap Shaughnessy.

Yeah,

got them all.

You, uh...

you played on the

'67 Leafs, did you, Hap?

Well, yeah!

Okay, what was

your number?

Seven.

No, no, I think Tim Horton

wore number 7.

number was I WEARING?

Yeah.

Oh, I thought you meant

what number was I

in scoring.

I was number 7

in scoring,

but but number 3

in assists.

Not selfish,

that was my style.

No, okay.

No, what I'm saying is

what was the number

on your sweater?

On my sweater?

Yeah.

You mean jersey,

don't you, Red?

All right. All right.

On your jersey, all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's all right,

you're not the first one

to make that mistake,

calling a

jersey a sweater.

Lots of people make

that mistake.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

And so what

was the number?

Oh, hundreds,

hundreds, Red.

It's an easy

mistake to make.

No, no, no, no.

What I'm saying is

what was the number

on your jersey

when you played for the

1967 Stanley Cup winning

Toronto Maple Leaf

hockey team?

Thirteen.

No, see that's odd.

I don't remember there

being a 13 on that team.

Well, that's what happens

to the memory, Red.

Now, you don't have

to ashamed of that.

The truth can sometimes

get hidden, you know.

Oh, she's not hidden,

she's gone.

You see, that's why

you could never be

a Maple Leaf.

You're not a

team player, Red,

you can never pull

together like we did.

Thirty guys sharing

the same dressing room,

the same showers,

the same victories,

the same defeats.

The same handwriting?

I taught them

all how to write.

I put on a cap that had VRI

on the front of it,

which is the Royal Canadian

regiment cap

that I had

from years ago.

And I sat there

and I told these lies.

He made Hap Shaughnessy

tell more lies, you know.

And I really have had people

stopping me in the street

over the years saying

they sounded real,

as though I were some sort

of character that had

been molded

by Steve Smith for

benefits for the show.

And I didn't mind

that I was there.

I just enjoyed it all

so so very much,

being a

water taxi pilot.

And the first ones I

couldn't even look at Steve.

Steve reminded me of

a young Bob Newhart.

He had that particular

look and those blue eyes.

And we'd be in this

small boat

and I'd be fishing

or trying to pretend

to be somewhere else

so that I wouldn't have to

look at Steve at the other

end of the boat

because I would laugh.

There was something about the

man that just put me away.

And his jokes,

the jokes got weirder and

stranger all the time.

I think my very favourite

was the fact that

I was talking

about my mother,

the topic had to do with

Anastasia, and I said,

Red, you knew my

mother, didn't you?

And he said, yeah, she sold

chips up in Port Alberny,

didn't she?

I said, no, no,

before that.

I said, you knew her

name was Annie,

well, Annie,

she's Anastasia.

And he said she is?

And I said, Yeah,

Grandpa Nick...

who was Czar Nicolas,

used to tell us stories

about how when the big

revolution came,

a good friend of

the family, Rasputin,

shoved her into a

large Fabergé egg

and took her to France.

She grew up in Paris

and had a thing

with Ernest Hemingway.

And Red says, you telling me

Hemingway was your father?

I said, yes, that's why Margot

Hemingway and I could

never marry,

our kids would

be idiots.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Okay...

[ APPLAUSE CONTINUES ]

OKAY!

We have a viewer

in Georgia who asks,

"Dear experts...

"I'm a bit self-conscious

about my height.

"I'm not short,

just vertically challenged.

"Recently I read that

astronauts actually

grow in space

"by as much as an inch,

is that true,

"and if so how can

I get into space?"

Oh, no, no, I don't think

people grow in space.

I met that William Shatner

and he's hardly tall at all.

Well, actually, Red,

most people do grow

in zero gravity.

I don't,

but most people do.

You were in space,

were you, Hap?

Oh, well, no, space starts

at about 90 miles up,

I only flew

88 miles up.

And what were

you flying in?

A cape.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

A cape?

Like Superman?

No, not like

Superman.

Mine was white.

You know, this is a

bit of a stretch,

even for you

I'm thinking.

Well, I was with

the local circus...

Hap the Human

Cannon Ball.

We were performing

in Port Asbestos.

And just as I waved goodbye,

I slid down the tube,

a bolt of lightning hit

the cannon and boom.

The blast was so strong

and the wind was

so powerful,

all my clothes

were torn off.

I was totally naked.

Luckily I was 88 miles up

so no one could see.

Did you know Australia is

in the shape of a dog's head?

You know...

not too much air up there,

I wouldn't think.

I know the airplanes fly

at four or five miles up,

and they have to actually

pressurize the cabin

so that people

can breathe.

Oh, yeah, air is very,

very thin up there.

Luckily I was traveling so

fast I just opened my mouth

and scooped

enough oxygen in

to keep my

consciousness.

My real worry

was the landing.

I mean,

I'm 88 miles up,

going a mile a second,

speeding head

first towards Earth.

I guess the impact would

pretty much lose

whatever height

you gained.

Well, yeah, yeah.

Well, I got lucky,

Harold,

I blacked out so I didn't

tense up for the landing.

But when I came to I was

just outside of town

on top of a hay stack,

buck naked.

Wow, excellent!

Naked.

story, Harold?

Not really, no.

What kind of

guy is Ranger Gord?

Ranger Gord is profoundly,

profoundly lonely,

and profoundly officious

in whatever he does.

So his lot in life obviously

is very marginalized

by an awful

lot of people,

especially the people

he works for,

because they don't want

him to work for them.

So he tends to build

himself up a great deal

and make cartoons that make

him physically bigger,

and much more popular

than he actually is.

And I think that's what

carries him through.

Perhaps it's because he

eats too much creamed corn

and birch bark,

I don't know.

You know, I'm not

completely alone, Red.

Oh, oh.

I have Samantha.

Who is Samantha?

It's not like a bear

or something, is it?

No, Samantha

is a woman, Red!

Oh, for gosh sake,

good for you.

She lives in that cabin

right over on that

next hill there.

She's out most days

sunning herself in

her bathing suit.

This way?

This way?

Over here.

Over here.

a cabin.e's

Yeah.

I don't see

anybody though.

Oh, here.

She's in that big

window out front.

I don't really know if

her name is Samantha,

it's Samantha.

Yeah?

Just knowing she's there

is comforting though.

I wonder what her

real name is?

Would it be too much of

a coincidence if it

was Samantha?

Ranger Gord,

that's a log.

What?

I can see the window

and it looks a bit

like a woman,

but that's a log.

No, it's not,

it's a woman!

It's a log, take a

look yourself.

I'm in love with

a fallen log.

I got to get going.

It was really good to

see you again, eh?

Come on, stick

around for a bit.

Well, maybe another

time we'll stay over,

but not this time.

Oh, come on, I was going

to have a big barbecue.

I got canned corn.

And I got some beans for

a special occasion,

and I was going to

invite Samantha ov --

I guess there's no point

in inviting Samantha

over now, is there?

you need firewood.

Shut up!

How could you not

give that man a dog?

Isn't he

something?

We used to get mail from

real forest rangers,

and they loved

Ranger Gord.

They could

feel his pain.

You had worked

with him a lot,

that's why it was

easy to give him...

Yeah, well, Peter Keleghan

is a tremendous actor.

I mean,

he's done it all,

Cheers, Murphy Brown

and all that stuff.

But we were doing a show

called Comedy Mill

before we

did Red Green,

and Peter came in

to audition for that

and he was doing

a monologue,

and he had a jar

of peanut butter --

no, a little stuffed bear

for some reason.

He came in and he just

had the bear sitting

on his knee.

It's like that's really odd.

He's a good looking guy.

And good looking guys

aren't supposed

to be funny,

not fair.hat's

That's not fair.

Wait a minute,

I'm funny.

See? Exactly.

So he's doing

this monologue,

and then like he

pretends to forget.

And then he turns

the bear over,

and then he can read

a couple of words

and then he

carries on from there.

I was just like this guy is so

weird I got to hire him.

That became the beginning of

a very sick friendship.

The college

called, okay?

The company

changed their mind.

They're offering

you the job.

You're kidding?

Oh, that's so great!

Oh, that's

so great!

Oh, that's good,

that's good.

Oh, but I'd

have to go

and I couldn't leave you

to do the show alone.

Oh, no, no, I know,

I'm just telling you

that's all, you know.

Yeah, yeah, I'm going

to stay here.

Like you, all your life

right here in Possum Lake.

I don't need the hassle

of the big city.

You sure don't.

No, siree.

No.

Harold, you know

what I'm thinking?

I've never

had a clue really.

about this...

Okay.

Let's say you take the

job with the company

just for a laugh to

try it out, huh?

Take the job?

Yeah.

Just for a laugh.

To try it out.

Then I will come down

and visit you at

your job, eh,

and we'll make that

a segment in the

show, huh?

Oh, I don't know.

You shooting in

the city?

From what I hear

everybody's shooting

in the city.

And then once in a while

you come up here

to the lodge,

and be on

the show here.

Okay, okay, let's try it,

let's give it a shot.

I'll tell you

something, Harold,

you're not

such a bad guy.

I'll tell you

something, Uncle Red,

you're not such

a bad guy either.

You know

something else,

you're pretty smart.

You're not such

a bad guy either.

For a while Patrick

had to take a bit of break.

You were shooting

two series.

Can you tell us a little

bit about that moment?

In '95 a series

came up called Traders

that I happened to

audition for and

got cast in.

And it was,

you know, very exciting,

but I had no idea what

the schedule would be like.

And we were shooting on

Wednesdays and Saturdays.

So I'd shoot Traders

on Monday and Tuesday,

come in on Wednesday

and shoot Red Green

and Thursday, Friday

shoot Traders,

show up on Saturday

and shoot Red Green,

take Sunday off to learn the

lines for the next week,

and that went on

like that for five years.

So it was a long

period of time

where again I forget

that I was prepared

because you had to be

prepared for every

day of showing up

and there was no

excuses not to, you know,

saying, oh, I'm on another

television show,

really didn't swing

well with the cast.

So it was a very

tricky, tricky time.

It was an

exhausting period.

Exhausting.

Well, he's not

mentioning this,

but he won a Gemini,

which is our Emmy,

for comedy acting

and dramatic acting

in the same year.

Nobody has ever done

that before or since...

anywhere in the world.

[ APPLAUSE ]

There was a

point in the show,

around I think it was about

the eighth or ninth year

where I was doing

another program,

and I got

very, very tired.

I was just exhausted because

I was doing the show

for five years

and shooting Red Green

at the same time,

where everything in my life

suffered because of it,

my home life,

my -- physically,

everything was changing,

so something had to give.

So when the

other show ended,

I found I didn't have a

lot left to offer Red Green,

so I talked

to Steve about

maybe it's time for me

to leave the show,

it's been nine years.

I don't know what else

I can bring to the show.

It was growing in

a different way

that I didn't know if I

could do more of that,

at a certain age that I was,

you know, I was turning 40,

and all those

types of things.

A lot of things

going on in life.

And Steve said, well,

you know, if Harold leaves,

he can't come back.

He has to leave, he has to

graduate to somewhere

else in life.

And I said

I respect that,

I think that's where

I am at this point.

So we wrote Harold

out of the show.

We said good-bye.

He was going to get

a job in the city,

and there's a few

episodes about that,

and away he went.

And it was

so hard to leave

because it was like

going to university.

You knew it was the

right thing to do,

but it didn't make it

any easier to leave.

And you got to see that

you were leaving the

party at 7 o'clock

that you knew was going

to go on all night.

And as you're walking out the

door, people are going,

Yeah, bye --

anyway, back to work.

It was over.

You know,

you were just out.

The show had to go on.

[ RASPING COUGH ]

This better

be good, Harold,

I burned

half a tank of gas

and an afternoon nap

just getting down here.

Okay, Uncle Red, all right,

you know how some really

important people

have someone who does

everything for them,

every menial task,

you know, because

they're too busy

or too lazy

to do it for

themselves?

Well, yeah, that's why I'm

the lodge leader, Harold.

Okay, but out here

we call them secretaries.

Oh my gosh, you got yourself

a promotion, huh?

Yeah,

starting today!

Where is she?

Who?

Well, your

new secretary.

Well, who says a

secretary has to

be a woman?

Oh, all right,

Mr. 21st century,

what pathetic guy did they

hire to be your secretary?

I'm not getting a secretary,

I AM the secretary.

Yeah, I'm secretary of the

vice president of mergers

and acquisitions

la la...

Harold, I thought you said

you got a promotion?

This is a

promotion!

I actually rank higher

in the company

than my supervisor

in my old department.

I'm going to be helping

the boss like organize

meetings,

scheduling things.

WOMAN:

Harold, could you come

in here for a moment, please?

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am,

I'll be right there.

Who was that,

Harold?

My boss, the vice president

of mergers and acquisitions.

Harold, you got

a woman boss?

So, so do you,

Aunt Bernice.

Come on, Harold,

that's different.

Yeah, I know,

I get paid.

The high point for

the show for me,

and this is

weird to say --

well, there was

a few high --

One was doing location stuff

in all the parks we shot in,

which was fabulous,

it was so nice.

But the season I remember

as being a high point

was the season that

Pat McKenna took a break.

Now, it's not that

I hated Pat McKenna.

He brought tons

of stuff to the show,

and he's a fabulous guy

and a great guy to work with.

But when he wasn't

there that year,

there was no one

to replace him,

which may not have reflected

well on the show,

but what it did was

give the rest of us,

who played more

minor characters,

more stuff to do.

So we would -- as a

character I got to do

all sorts of different things

than I normally would

when Pat was there.

So as weird as that sounds,

and no slur against

Pat at all,

that was a pretty

fun season.

Well, we got a real big day

tomorrow at the lodge.

We're having a canoe race

against the guys from

Caribou Lodge,

so just got to get our

equipment back up into

shape there.

These canoe paddles took

a bit of a beating

during the talent show.

Buster Hadfield was

trying to juggle them.

He forgot about

the ceiling fan.

Oh geez. Oh fer --

[ GROANING ]

Red, I found

the canoe.

It wasn't

where you said, though.

It wasn't behind the

bag stop on the target range.

It WAS the bag stop

on the target range.

All right, well just

leave it there, Dalton,

we'll fix that later.

We'll do the

paddles first.

Just hold this,

will you?

That canoe is

going to float with

duct tape patches?

Well, not for

too long,

but it will just make

you paddle faster.

How long is this paddle

going to hold together?

About the same

as the canoe.

I'd say your best bet

is to go like stink

and wear a bathing suit.

That roll is done.

See another roll of

duct tape anywhere, Dalton?

No, no.

You might try

the cupboard.

The guys all know they're

supposed to put it back

when they're done.

Yeah. Right. Okay.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

We're out of

duct tape, Dalton!

Okay, okay, okay.

Try to stay calm, Red.

Stay calm, we're out

of duct tape, Dalton!

You know what, I'm going to

phone the hardware store.

They'll deliver it today.

What's the number?

Number one

on the speed dial.

This has never

happened before.

I may have to shut down

the whole lodge.

Hello?

Yeah, this is

the Possum Lodge.

We need a dozen rolls --

Two dozen!

Okay, we need three

dozen rolls of duct tape

delivered right away!

What?

Pardon?

Huh?

What is it?

All right..

What?

Thanks.

What?

They're

on back order.

They won't have it

for two weeks.

Two weeks...

without duct tape?

Red, Red, try to

hold it together,

hold it together.

Hold it together

with what?!

He and his writers had

to come up with material

that would cover

the absence of Pat,

and what

happened was that

people like Jeff

and Bob and myself

got a lot more to do,

and there were new scenarios.

I had a Mike's

Teen Talk segment,

where I would give

advice to teenagers,

as if I was a

teenager.

I was in my mid 50s,

I think, at the time.

And there were

other scenarios.

But actually it just

showed in a great way.

It made the writers

think more creatively.

So those two years were

golden for the rest of us.

I don't know

how Steve felt,

but we all

got stuff to do.

Well, there doesn't seem

to be a single roll

of duct tape

in the whole

Possum Lake area.

I think those guys

from Caribou Lodge

are hoarding it all

and we're forced to fix the

canoe by recycling duct tape

we've used

on other stuff.

I think it's going

to work out fine.

Red, I found some

duct tape we could use.

Wow, where did

you get this?

[ SOMETHING

CRASHES OUTSIDE ]

Dalton, this stuff

doesn't stick.

Oh, sure it does.

Look, look, look.

Look.

Look.

Look, it's fine.

No, Dalton,

it's not fine.

No, no, Red.

Oh, yeah.

Don't do it.

I'm going.

No, Red, no!

Dalton, this is

an emergency.

Red, no one has broken

that glass in 50 years.

MIKE HAMAR:

Mr. Green, Mr. Green!

I brought you something

that I think might

cheer you up.

Oh my gosh, Dalton,

Mike brought us duct tape,

he brought us duct tape.

Way to go, Mike!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hold it.

This isn't duct tape.

It's masking tape

painted grey.

AUDIENCE: Nooooo!

It's not the

same thing, Mike!

It's not

the same thing.

Way to go, Mike.

Ah, Mike, sorry I

snapped at you there.

I haven't had duct tape

for over three hours.

Give me that

hammer, Dalton.

Are you sure you know

what you're doing?

Dalton, we can't go

on living like this.

50 years it's been

there, Mike.

I got it.

We're going

to be okay, guys.

Everything is

going to be okay.

I think we're going to be

ready for the canoe race

even without

duct tape.

The real handyman is

resourceful.

When the world hands

you a lemon,

you jam it into

a canoe hole.

We got the

paddles done, Red.

Yeah, they turned

out pretty good.

Yeah, we're going

to be fine.

We'll probably

come in second,

unless there's more

than two boats.

Hey guys,

how's it going?

Ed, what have you got

there in your hand?

Oh, a turtle bite.

I forgot the little guy

was in my pocket.

No, I mean

the other hand.

You got something that

looks just like a roll

of duct tape there.

Oh, it's a roll

of duct tape.

There's all kinds of

it up in the attic.

What's it

doing up there?

We were using it to

fix the heating ducts.

I didn't know it was

good for that.

Well, there ought

to be a couple more

rolls up there.

Stand back, guys,

I'm going to open

the trap door.

Holy smokes!

Holy smokes!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ POSSUM SQUEALS ]

Meeting time,

Mr. Green.

You guys go ahead.

Don't tell the others

about the duct tape,

though, okay?

All right, if my

wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting,

and looks like we can

get started on that house

addition right away.

And for the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and the whole gang

up here at Possum Lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

And then the

movie came along,

and we talked about

doing the movie,

and I thought, well,

that's a one-time thing,

I think I could

probably handle that.

And I remember standing

on a hill one day,

and we're looking

down at the crew

and the trailers and

everybody being really busy,

and Steve went,

Can you believe this?

And I went,

No, this is the best.

He goes, Did you ever

think you would miss it?

And I went,

I miss it every day,

but, you know,

it's a new show now.

And he goes,

But if it could be,

would you ever think

of coming back?

And I said if it

could be like this,

if it could be this

much fun for me again,

because it wasn't anything

to do with the show,

it was what I was

going through,

I would love to.

So he just

opened that door

that maybe Harold

could come back.

And he did it in just

such a gentle way

that it was an

invitation to come home.

Sure.

And we did the last three

years and it was great.

It was all great.

Well, I didn't get the job,

which is fine.

I don't mind

not getting the job,

but I think they

gave it to Mike.

Come on.

I mean, Mike's a

good guy and everything,

but the man is a

known thief.

Why would you give a

$60,000-a-year job

to a guy who's got no

experience, no education

and no life --

I have exactly the same

qualifications and I'm older!

I didn't get the

job either, Mr. Green.

Oh, Mike, I'm sorry

to hear that,

I was really

rooting for you.

Yeah, I guess Dalton

must have got the job.

What a scam, eh?

I mean, he's a good

guy and everything.

But you couldn't

hire a worse person.

Yeah, there's a

waste of money,

Mike, right there.

Dalton is not the

guy for that job.

Dalton is an idiot.

He's a good guy.

Great guy.

Super guy.

Super guy, yeah.

Well, count me out,

I didn't get it.

Oh, what a

shame, gee.

We were really

hoping for you.

Thank you

very much, guys, yeah.

You know, they wouldn't even

tell me who did get it.

You know

what I think?

I think the Mayor gave

the job to his own wife.

No, no, she's already the

regional chairperson,

that's how the

mayor got his job.

I remember when

Pat came back,

because he was never

really off the show.

We'd do a bunch of

segments in a day

so we could drop him in

and keep him alive.

But when

he came back,

we had the plot

of the episode

was they were offering a

new job in town as a P.R. guy,

like a promotion guy

for the town of Possum Lake,

and we had all the guys

in the lodge were

running for it.

We had never

introduced Pat.

We didn't bring him

out at beginning

or anything.

So the first the

audience saw him was,

they said this is the

new guy that got the job,

and he came walking in

and holy cow,

the reaction of that

audience was so fabulous.

[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]

I'll get it.

Well, it sounds to me

like somebody's been

paid off.

No, they wouldn't

take a bribe...

I wouldn't think.

Gentlemen, I am

pleased to present

the newly appointed

director of public

relations

for the County

of Possum Lake.

[ AUDIENCE CHEERS ]

When we did the show

in front of a live audience,

it was a combination

of stand-up comedy,

theatre

and television.

And that

live audience,

when we came walking out there

and you could tell --

We never hired an

audience company to

bring us an audience.

We never

had a problem.

Those were people

who wanted to be there.

And the fact that they were

there day in, day out

and tremendously

supportive of us,

and they'd even

laughed at the stuff

that we all knew

was junk, you know.

Like that's good.

That's family.

So we were solid.

Are you all right,

Uncle red?

Well, I don't know,

it's a lot for me

to take in.

It's a lot

for me to put out.

Why are you

here, Harold?

I mean, what happened

to your life, your job

in the city?

I quit that job.

Well, that was a

good job, Harold.

It's going to be hard

to get another job.

I have another job.

Yeah, but you might not

have gotten it, Harold.

I applied for

that job, you know.

Yeah, you all

applied for that job.

That really

helped, thanks.

Yeah, I suppose if they

were looking to hire

somebody like you,

they're not going to

hire somebody like me.

Oh, well,

that's exactly right.

That's exactly right.

That's exactly right.

They were looking for

someone young and dynamic

and with a college degree

who's computer literate

and has some experience

in related fields.

Oh, no, that's

what I'm saying.

But, whereas if they were

looking for someone

middle aged,

opinionated, unemployed

but very good with

a chain saw.

All right, Harold,

that's enough.

We understand.

I'm very happy

to be back.

Great. Great.

about the new job.

Yeah, yeah.

But you know what?

What?

Truth be told,

I missed...

I missed, you know,

everybody.

Well, did you

miss me, Harold?

Did you miss me?

I wasn't even

shooting at you.

Yeah, I did,

I missed you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I missed

you too, Harold.

I think I'm

going to cry.

No, I didn't

miss that, all right.

You know what

the best part is,

we get to work

together again.

How do you

figure that?

Oh, yeah,

that's my proposal,

I'm going to

make my job to do

the promotion and

marketing of Possum Lodge.

We got a

lot work to do.

Wow, Harold.

Yeah.

I mean, you think

Possum Lodge is good

enough to attract visitors?

We got a lot

of work to do.

A lot of people,

when I talk to them

about the Red Green Show,

would say the thing

that got me the most

was those quiet moments

when Red would sit

at his desk

by himself and just talk

to the middle aged guys.

And more people have

said that to me.

And I thought we'd look

at the very first one

that you guys wrote.

From show 86

and the 300th one,

the last one.

Wow! We'll watch

those together.

I want to talk to all you

middle aged guys out there

because I know what

you're going through.

I know what it's like to

wake up two hours before

your body does

or to watch a full head of

old hair swirl down

the shower drain

while a bushel

of new hair

sprouts out of

your nose and your ears.

And at our age you never

know if the call of nature

is going to be a shout,

a whine or a whisper.

You know, going to

the washroom

is like going to

a fireworks display.

You stand there for an

hour and a half waiting

for something to start,

and then once she gets going

there's a lot of oohs and aahs

but you're never really

completely sure when

it's over.

So as we go through

life it's important

that we move from one

phase to the next,

and we have to say

good-bye to the one

so that we can say

hello to the next.

You know,

if I say any more

I'll probably burst into

that song from Titanic.

Anyway, let's just leave it

that it's been a great ride

and every time we hear

the sweet sound

of a strip being torn

off a roll of duct tape,

we'll think of

each other.

Might even smile.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I think the mid-life

thing at the desk

came out of my

unfulfilled desire

to talk directly

one on one to my friends.

I just really didn't

think I was doing that

anywhere else

in the show.

There was always

intervention.

And, you know, I just --

I just have --

I'm the kind of person

that I have some things

that I want to say,

and I want to say

them to you directly

without anybody

editorializing

or commenting or

arguing, you know.

It was my favourite

kind of communication...

one way, you know.

So we started that and once

we got that segment in,

some people

really enjoyed it.

It later led to

a newspaper column

where I'm basically

doing the same thing.

And as far as aiming at time

middle aged men and everything,

well, I don't know

much about anything else.

I might as

well start with --

I really was talking to

myself in those things,

and you happen

to be eavesdropping.

I think what drew people

to The Red Green Show

was they'd see things

that were made up

that were totally insane

but possible.

Ever notice how many boat

trailers are left at the

side of the road

because these little baby

wheels either had a

flat or fell off?

I mean, they're lousy

tires to begin with,

and they're so small

that at 100 clicks

they're spinning

faster than...

something that

spins really fast.

Only a dufus would carry around

a spare for a trailer tire.

Where would you stick the

jack on one of these

babies anyway?

No, sir,

I got a better idea.

I mounted a few of these

high speed fans on the

side of the trailer

and kind of turned it

into a hovercraft.

Once these

things get going,

the unit doesn't even

touch the ground.

How can you

have a flat tire

when you don't

even have a tire?

Makes it a lot easier for

backing down boat ramps too.

Now, the fans all run off the

juice from the alternator,

so as soon as I start

the engine, I'm in business.

You know, I always thought

that the handyman corner

always had a basis

of some fundamental

understanding of physics

and engineering and stuff.

I always thought the show

was not a lack of

intelligence,

it was a waste of

intelligence.

I always found that

to be a higher calling.

I remember being on air

with one of the PBS guys,

I think it might

be Elkhart, Indiana,

somewhere like that

and on air,

we're live and he says,

You know, I've heard people

say this is a stupid show,

What do you

say to that?

I said, well, I've never

had anybody smart tell me

it was a stupid show.

Come on, Harold,

we're ready to go here.

Coming.

I gave up waiting

for Harold there.

He's been in the shower

for seven hours.

We either need

a second bathroom

or a closer tree.

So I said

to heck with it,

and I went up in the Possum

van and picked up Bonnie

on my own.

So as soon as Harold's ready,

we're good to go.

Oh, boy.

[ APPLAUSE ]

Okay, I'm all set.

Should we go

pick up Bonnie?

I've already

done that, Harold.

I can certainly see

what you like about her.

She's out there waiting

in the Possum van

right now.

What?

How rude is that?

We have something we'd

like to ask you together.

All right, fine.

Oh Bonnie,

sweetheart...

Can you come in here

a minute, please?

You have no idea how

to treat a lady, do you?

This is a

mistake, Harold.

[ LAUGHTER

AND APPLAUSE ]

So how do we look?

Like a

perfect couple.

You're going to save

a fortune on mirrors,

Harold.

I'm pretty excited,

know why, know why, know why?

Just had

your first coffee?

No!

This is my first date.

Bonnie,

this is for you.

Oh, Harold,

it's beautiful.

You pin it on me.

Perhaps, Bonnie,

you would like to do

it for yourself...

please.

Okay, okay,

we're good to go.

And what time do you

want me to pick you

guys up?

I usually am asleep

by ten, eh, so...

Mr. Green.

We were wondering if

maybe we could drive

ourselves.

I've got my license.

Well,

I don't know,

I mean, the Possum van

is a pretty big rig.

Uncle Red, Bonnie is a

licensed commercial

truck driver.

Yeah, she drives

an 18 wheeler for

Port Asbestos cartage.

Well, hey, great.

Hey, go for it.

Don't even --

Oh, okay.

I almost saw

up your skirt.

Okay. Okay.

Oh. Oh, okay.

OKAY?!!

All right,

you go have fun.

Don't do anything

I wouldn't do, huh?

[ POSSUM SQUEALING ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

If my wife

is watching,

I will be coming straight

home after the meeting.

Harold has

a girlfriend.

I don't know how

serious they are,

but if they ever get

married and have kids,

it's the end of the

world as we know it.

I got the job as Bonnie

through a writer named Rob

Sheridan who wrote for the show

and is now writing for

Little Mosque,

and he's fantastic.

And I had done a show

called the Sean Cullen Show

where I was a

lunatic nun.

And I think because of my

lunatic nun performance

on the show,

they watched it and immediately

said she could do Bonnie,

she could act like

Harold quite easily.

And that's how it came --

And then they phoned me

and said you got the part,

come in and do it.

So it was

pretty awesome.

You don't -- you rarely,

rarely get a part

before you actually

even audition for it,

but from Rob's amazing

recommendation

to my ridiculous

nun performance,

it all came together.

You got a

big love life,

and what made you guys

decide to give him

a love life?

Well, we knew two years

before the end of the show

that it was going

to wrap up,

so we wanted to complete

as many circles as we could.

And one of them we

had to have Harold

on his own two feet

and settled.

We didn't want

to leave that --

I think there was a

sense that for the

rest of the guys,

they were either

going to be okay

or it was too late.

So we wanted

Harold to be set.

Plus it gave us a really

great through line for the

last couple of seasons

to get him, you know,

dating a girl

and then engaged

and then

the stag and...

Eventually the wedding

on the final night.

So there were a

few reasons why it

really made sense.

Yeah, and it was fun

for you, I'm guessing?

It was terrific because

when they mentioned

that you're going to

have a girlfriend,

and I thought, oh this will

be interesting to see

what choice

they come up with,

who should marry Harold

after all these years,

because I think

in year three or five

they flirted with --

I had a girlfriend.

The tall blond.

Beautiful!

Beautiful girl.

And so then I thought will

they go that route again?

And then when

I met Laurie Elliot,

and she came on

as this female Harold.

And I thought do

I look like that?

Why didn't

somebody stop me?

Okay, we're all set

for the nuptials.

Not as big a turnout

as we had planned,

but, you know, as soon

as the wedding became

part of the show,

most of the guests decided

to stay home and watch

it on tv,

so we'll finally get

some decent ratings.

Oh boy.

You okay, Harold?

I'm nervous,

but I'm good.

I'm not as bad as I

thought I was going to be,

but I'm okay,

actually, I'm good.

Okay. Okay.

Before we have an embarrassing

puddle on the floor,

let's bring the

bride in here.

[ APPLAUSE WHILE WHILE THE

GUYS HUM THE WEDDING MARCH ]

All right. All right.

Okay. Okay.

All right, we're gathered

here together

to celebrate a big occasion

in all of our lives.

Very rarely does a television

show stay on the air

for 300 episodes.

Uncle Red,

Uncle Red.

Okay, okay,

okay, okay...

We're gathered here

to join this woman and this,

I don't know,

man, I guess,

in holy matrimony...

[ SHUDDERING

IN ANTICIPATION! ]

RED GREEN:

And holy mackerel.

the ring? has

Oh, I do.

That's not

the ring.

That's my ring!

Oh, oh, sorry.

Is it any of these ones?

No, that's our ring.

Winston's wearing

our ring.

Where did

you get that?

Someone

sold it to me.

RED: Okay, well,

never mind.

Harold, you put that ring

on Bonnie's finger,

and then I want you

to recite all the vows

you two made up, okay?

And, Harold, try to

keep it moving.

I would like to thank

everyone who helped

shape my life,

I know

you meant well.

The good news is it

brought me to this point

where I have found

a life partner

and I look forward to

spending the rest of

my life with her.

Ditto.

Okay, okay, okay.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

If there's anyone

who knows any reason

why these two should

not get married,

he should

speak up now.

[ POSSUM SQUEALING ]

Meeting time.

No, no, Harold,

that can wait, okay?

So do the two of you

take each other --

We do!

We do!

We're here. We do.

We do.

Okay, well then I now

pronounce you man and wife.

Harold, you may...

kiss the bride.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Okay, so if my

wife is watching,

I will be coming straight

home after the meeting

and after doing all of

these televisions shows,

I think I'm ready to go

back to live performances.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

Meeting time,

Uncle Red.

You shouldn't

be here, Harold.

Bonnie thought it was

the right thing to do,

you know, because I told

her even though

we're married,

I'm still going to want to

come back to the lodge

every now and then.

Well, well, well,

you've turned

into a man.

I hope that's a

compliment.

Oh, I almost

forgot,

here's your

wedding gift.

Wow, that's a big roll

of duct tape.

It is, Harold.

I figure you're going

to be married

a long time.

And to the rest of you who

have been watching us

all these years,

on behalf of myself

and the married man

and the whole gang up

here at Possum Lodge...

AS RED:

Keep your

stick on the ice.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

My feelings going

into work every day were,

you know, number one,

I was really glad

to be there,

it was a very pleasant

experience,

but I also didn't want to

disappoint anybody,

and ultimately that's why I

stopped doing the show.

I felt that if I continued

to do the show,

I would start

to disappoint people,

and, you know, my fans first

and then me second,

and I just didn't

want to do that.

The core message of

the Red Green Show

is anything

is possible,

just keep on trying,

you know.

It will work.

It will work.

If it doesn't, well,

don't do it anymore.

It was comedy

and it was funny

and people

enjoy the comedy,

but it was never mean

and it was never dark.

It was always inclusive

and friendly and fun.

For me there's something

childishly delightful

about taking everything

you think you know

and just blowing it

out of the water

and constantly

taking the things

that we're familiar with

and turning them around

until you can -- you know,

we're going to take

a washer and dryer

and turn them

into a lawn roller.

Like not just, oh,

how can we do that,

it's like, why would

you even think of that?

I think sometimes the world

is a little bit upside down.

A lot of times friends of mine

are all upset and in a tizzy

over something that

honestly is meaningless,

they can't do

anything about it,

they have no effect on it,

they're just letting

it bother them.

Then they take some other

things in their life that

are very important,

and they treat them

like they don't matter.

So that to me

is the core message,

like focus on the

things that first of all

are very important to you,

and, secondly, you can

actually do something

about them.

There was always a

great deal of warmth

surrounding the show,

whether we were

out somewhere else

or just even in the studio

just among ourselves,

but there was always --

that's a great word for

the feel of the show,

it's just

always warm.

Trust, everybody trusted

each character in the show.

The characters

were people

that weren't celebrated

in life very often.

They were

welcomed here.

An experience like this

I don't think happens

a lot of times.

The money side of things

was never an issue, honestly.

This was a bunch of people

who got together,

united to do something that

probably didn't have

much of a

chance going in.

They probably didn't really

sit down and evaluate it.

For whatever reason,

something inside them,

you know what, said this is

something I would like

to try to do.

It was like the

old Mickey Rooney

and Judy Garland movies,

you know, my uncle's got

a barn, let's put on a show.

So we had

that going in.

And the fact that

you could draw an

audience to that barn

and they wanted to

come back next week,

it was just like --

it's a miracle.

I mean, you know, when you

get people, first of all,

that agree to do

something together

as like a

common united bond

and then you have other people

gravitating towards it

wanting to support it

and wanting to continue it.

It was a really welcome

environment to say,

you're okay, just be you

and everything will be fine

and it was

always that way.

So that was I think

the magic of the show,

that everybody felt

they could be themselves.

In my experience that just

doesn't happen very often.

This wasn't one of those deals

where one guy comes in

with a vision

and tells everybody what

to do and they do exactly

what he says

and success or

failure all depends on

whether or not

he was correct.

This was absolutely

a joint effort

that paid off,

and it paid off

at a much higher level

than anybody

needed it to.

closed captioning performed

by INTERCAPTION CANADA.