The Cement Load/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Thank you very much.

We were going through

the "large vehicles

"with oversized engines" trader

and you know something?

We decided that we need

to broaden our interests

a little bit.

Oh, excellent!

I was thinking of starting

a chess club.

You go right ahead, harold.

So the bunch of us

are gonna make an investment.

We're getting ourselves

a submarine.

A submarine.

G-g-gonna get yourselves

a submarine.

Yes, we are, harold.

We've ordered the concrete

for the submarine pen.

We'll charge people money

to take 'em on submarine rides,

maybe find buried treasure,

and generally

get stinkin' rich.

You're halfway there.

All you need

is the "rich" part.

(audience laughing)

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): We got

a jam-packed show.

I'm gonna build a hovercraft.

Ranger gord is gonna cry out

for land whales.

Garth harble's gonna show you

how to control your skunk,

and harold's gonna get

under the covers.

We've ordered lumber

and a ton of concrete

to make the submarine pen.

We're putting money back

into the community.

Providing you pay your bills.

We will when

we start making money.

We'll charge people for rides

like they do at disneyworld.

Take 'em down

to "undersea world".

We'll have scenes

of sunken ships

and mermaids and sharks

and former members

of the teamsters union.

(audience laughing)

you know, you don't

have to spend any money.

Most of your boats

are already submarines.

No, no, no, no.

I'm keeping the budget in mind.

If we can't afford a sub

from russia,

we'll get a steel corn bin

from iowa.

You guys scare me

when you start buying stuff.

Remember that time you bought

that rocket-powered r.V.

Out of that magazine?

Remember what happened

when you started it up?

So what?

It was firecracker day anyway.

Nobody heard any complaints.

We were all deaf for a week!

Hey, that saved my marriage.

(applause)

(red): Oh, boy.

Harold and bill

have a project going.

They wanted me to help.

They had lumber

and harold's gonna sit--

no, harold, watch out.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

I wasn't paying attention.

Didn't notice the board.

They didn't notice

the board was missing.

Ok, now, this is the big one!

For a free hairstyle and mousse

from ed's taxidermy--

that isn't right, is it?

Oh!

It's for a free

any-style hare or moose

from ed's taxidermy.

That's completely different.

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Franklin

to say this word.

Thirty seconds, and go!

All right, uh,

household appliance.

Wide-screen t.V.

With a built-in v.C.R.

No, for cleaning.

Cleaning.

Yeah, cleaning.

Uh... No.

Cleaning, doug.

Cleaning.

It's for cleaning.

Give me another clue.

For cleaning the floor.

Uh, old underwear.

(audience laughing)

a woman uses this

to clean the house.

Air freshener.

This thing sucks stuff up

off the floor.

Oh, a dog.

No, this sucks everything up --

dirt, lint, dust, everything.

A baby?

You're almost out of time,

uncle red.

Your monster truck sucks money

out of your wallet like a...

A vacuum.

There we go.

(applause)

♪ oh, lately ♪

♪ the health-conscious

fanatics have tried ♪

♪ to stop us from eating

anything fried ♪

♪ french fries and onion rings

and bacon and more bacon ♪

lots of bacon.

A lot of bacon in there.

♪ they tell us the grease

will get our heart achin' ♪

♪ but I do believe

they've got it all wrong ♪

♪ without any lubricant,

nothin' runs very long ♪

♪ if you work on an engine,

you'll soon understand ♪

♪ that the whole thing

seizes up ♪

♪ if you've got no oil

in your pan ♪

oh!

He slipped.

Ranger gord?

Ranger gord?

Hi, red.

Gee!

Shhh!

I'm listening

to the sounds of nature.

You hear that?

That's a land whale.

A land whale?

Right, and that's

the eerie song

of the beautiful land whale.

(buzzing)

sounds like a cicada.

Right, cicada, cicada.

I've been up here so long,

I forgot the word.

Cicada, cicada.

That's it.

Oh, listen --

I know that voice.

That's larry the land whale...

Or -- your fancy word --

cicada.

He said, "hey,

is anyone... There?"

beginning to wonder

the same thing myself, gord.

Oh, listen.

That's gerta.

She says, "yes,

and does anyone know

"if ashley has left brett yet?"

ashley has left brett?

What is that, gord?

They're not particularly

bright animals.

They watch a lot of soaps.

Oh, oh.

(buzzing)

oh, excuse me.

Have to tell them something.

(imitating cicada)

(buzzing stops)

what happened there, gord?

I told them it was 12:30.

Why did that make them shut up?

"the young and the restless"

starts at 12:30.

Oh!

You know, I have to

tell them that every day.

I have to remind them

every day.

They're a little...

Yeah, yeah.

Wonder what makes them go

like that.

Living up here,

I would say, gord.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

You know, the first

consideration

for this submarine ride

we're building

would have to be "fun".

Then comes popularity;

next comes cost,

but eventually

we'll get around to safety.

I'll take this week's

"handyman corner"

to show you how to build

your own rescue boat.

The problem with the boats

up here, though,

is that they're always sinking

or running out of power

or exploding.

We have to take better care

of our boats,

or build a hovercraft.

You can guess which way

I'm leaning.

This old unit here

is gonna become the basis

of my hovercraft.

If you get yourself

a store-bought hovercraft,

they come with a rubber skirt

to keep the air

from blowing away.

If you have

your own rubber skirt,

well, that's your business.

I'm not one to judge.

For me, I'll have to use

whatever I can find

that's rubber and big.

Harold?

I got my rubber stuff

duct-taped

to the gunnels

all the way around.

I suppose some of those items

are not technically rubber

but I'm not technically

a boat-builder so that's a fit.

Alls you have to do is

get your captain's chair

mounted on there

and some source

of a compressed gas

and you can start hovering.

People are gonna sit up

and take notice

when you come down the lake

in this unit...

Especially if you get sideways

going into the rapids.

All I have to do is

pull the trigger

on the fire extinguisher.

The co2 gas goes through

the hole in the hull,

builds up pressure, lifts me

off the ground, and away we go.

Then I control the steering

by leaning,

letting the gas vent this way

or that way.

We've all seen that

done before.

Let's give 'er a try.

Seems like we got

a few too many holes.

I'm gonna have to patch them

with duct tape,

but the two-inch stuff

isn't wide enough.

I got a better idea.

(grunting)

all right, I've turned my boat

into an aluminum hull.

I got my rescue equipment

on board.

Got the flashlight...

And I got my walkie-talkie

safety rescue unit...

And my life-saving ring.

I'm all set to go.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Time to cast off!

(farting noise)

this is

the rescue boat -- help!

Oh, what a tangled web we weave

when first we practise

to deceive.

Want to talk about something

that concerns folks our age.

Oh, yeah -- memory loss.

We've all been there,

frowning in the middle

of a parking lot,

trying to remember

where we parked the car,

or which car did we bring?

Was it the sedan or the wagon?

Do we still have the sedan?

Didn't we buy a van?

(audience laughing)

a lot of us are worried

about losing our memory

because we think we remember

having one.

The truth is, we never did

remember stuff real well.

You remember yourself

being funny

or smart or good-lookin'?

Not only have you lost

your memory,

you've picked up

somebody else's.

But that's a good thing.

It's better to remember things

as being better

than what happened.

Nature does that on purpose.

Otherwise, nobody would have

more than one kid

or get remarried

or keep cheering for

the toronto maple leafs.

(audience): Ohhhh!

So...

If you've forgotten

you're forgetful, forget it.

If you remember one thing,

remember this:

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(applause)

oh, cheer up, harold.

I didn't know a submarine

would be that expensive,

not even a russian one.

Way out of our price range.

Financial constraints

have forced me, unfortunately,

to cancel the entire

submarine project.

Junior's wife had already made

a fake shark.

She'll turn that into

a bean-bag love seat with fins.

(audience laughing)

old man sedgwick has sent back

the mermaid costumes...

Except one.

(audience laughing)

we've cancelled all the lumber

and I got harold to cancel

the 15 truckloads of cement.

I'm gonna do

a boat thing--

uncle red, uh...

You didn't say "cancel

the 15 truckloads of cement."

yes, I did, harold.

No, no, no,

what you said was...

(crying)

oh, I gotta cancel

those truckloads of cement.

Once they get here...

(trucks

backing up)

ohhhh...

(signals

beeping)

they're here.

There's 15 truckloads

of cement--

I said have a chess club!

Garth harble here,

animal control,

with another feature

on controlling your animals.

And speaking of animals,

come on in here, red.

(laughing)

what happened to your ear?

Oh, nothing serious.

They say chickens can't fly,

but they sure can jump.

Wow.

Ever been pecked in the ear?

Not by a chicken.

Ooh.

You know, red, 19 years,

11 months, and 2 days,

and I'm retired.

Wow!

I'm gonna fax a picture

of my butt to my boss

and he can kiss it.

Today, we're talking

about controlling skunks.

Today, we're talking

about controlling skunks.

I just said that.

All right, go on.

Never try to catch a skunk

with your bare hands.

They've got sharp teeth

and they'll clamp down

on your achilles tendon

and you're there for the day.

You gotta use a trap.

Make sure it's a proper trap.

Don't lasso them or scoop them

into a green garbage bag

or startle them into having

a heart attack.

Boo!

Because they'll just...

That's right,

and trust me -- I know.

That's right.

It's almost impossible

to avoid getting squirted.

(squirting)

see?

So make sure

that it's a proper trap.

A proper trap

will put the tail down.

That pretty much

puts them out of business.

Right, I see.

Then you just

take 'em someplace,

say, like your boss's house,

and let 'em go.

Ok, why don't you tell

our viewers

how can they tell if they have

a skunk around their place?

Really, red?

Yeah, just... Yeah.

Say your nose falls off, red.

I see, yeah.

Look for holes

around the foundation.

Oh, like that there?

Like that hole you got there

by your house, there.

(skunk

panting)

pretty much exactly like that.

Oh!

(skunk

panting)

oh, boy.

Another super day.

(squirting)

hi, ranger gord again.

People ask me,

"does living alone in a forest

for 16 years drive you crazy?"

no, not if you find ways

to keep yourself busy.

(laughing)

fooled ya!

(laughing)

welcome to

harold's handicrafts,

where crafty hands

make "handi-crafts"!

Ok, today,

let's weave a wool blanket.

Wahhh!

Now, if you can tie a knot,

you can weave a wool blanket.

If you can't tie a knot,

you probably majored in film

or something.

Ok, so, uh, first, as always,

step one.

Wah-ha-ha!

You gotta find a stick

and then...

(laughing nervously)

all right.

Yes, and then step two...

You take the wool

and wrap it around the stick.

As I said, you just

tie yourself a knot and...

You tie a knot!

That's the beginning of

the origin of the wool blanket.

Then you can make one of these.

What you do from this point is

you have to tie

all the threads together

in a weave-like pattern.

And then it's, uh...

You just...

Giddyup!

You take them

and you, uh, tie them together

back and forth,

back and forth...

(laughing)

and you're created

your very own wool blanket.

(applause)

(cheering)

just remove the stick

and you've created

a pioneer-like blanket,

from the authentic wool

down to the authentic label.

Oh, boy.

(audience laughing)

that's just a touch

I like to add myself.

The best part is,

you created it yourself.

Quite an accomplishment, if

you just tie wool into a knot.

How about pulling wool

over people's eyes, harold?

(audience laughing)

look, uncle red tried

and he couldn't do it!

Oh, you!

(laughing)

(applause)

well, sure enough, there's

15 cement trucks out there

and they're not full

of concrete.

They're full

of quick-drying concrete.

In two hours,

it's gonna be harder

than moose thompson's forehead.

I went to the drivers.

I said, "we made a mistake.

"you guys can take it back.

"would that be all right?"

I thought they'd be upset,

but they laughed.

Oh, they laughed!

They laughed like that,

so then we laughed.

We laughed, we laughed.

But then we stopped laughing.

But not them.

They kept on laughing

and laughing...

I figured out why.

If we don't take the concrete

and it hardens in those trucks,

we have to pay for the concrete

and new trucks.

A lot of men, when they see

a problem like this,

try to find a solution.

I prefer to figure out

whose fault it is

and then let them

take care of it.

(audience laughing)

hey, handyman,

this here is copper pipe.

You connect that by putting

solder on there with a torch.

Doesn't work so well

with the plastic pipe.

(red): With all that cement

lying around,

we're gonna use this week's

"adventures with bill"

to do something

with some concrete.

Bill's making

a concrete coffee table.

First, he has to make

the form for it.

This is our version

of peter, paul and mary... Oh!

"if I had a headache"...

Oh, you're fine, harold.

Anyway, he wants to cut that--

he's got the electric chainsaw.

I'm a little bit cautious

about--

you safety-conscious people,

here's something not to do.

Don't get on top of the wood

unless you're sure

it can support you.

The blade's digging in.

Harold's wrapped

around the cord.

Away they--

I didn't understand

how this was helping us.

Then I'm thinking maybe

they've changed their mind.

They're gonna build

a theme park

and this is the main ride.

I say, "hey, boys,

ride's over."

I bet you 10 bucks

harold wants to go again.

I'll be up to my elbows

in you-know-what.

(red): We got the form done.

Waiting for bill to come back.

Wow! Well, I'm impressed.

That credit card is working

at the rental store, obviously.

We got the shovels

and cement's gonna come down.

Oh, I see -- ok, ok.

We're gonna get it

with the shovels.

I'm not sure bill's aware

of how the equipment works.

There we go, there we go.

Something's starting to happen.

We're gonna carry it by shovel.

I thought a wheelbarrow...

Well, that's just me.

That's fine, that's fine.

All right, all right.

It's amazing

how heavy that stuff is.

There's a lot of water in that,

and stone and sand and...

Oh, boy, you may want

to slow that...

Just back that off.

Ok, that's fine.

All right, we got it.

We'll get that off.

We're fine -- get that, harold.

Maybe a bigger shovel

might have been a plan.

Oh, boy, can you not--

is there a dimmer?

There's a dimmer right there.

All right, we're fine.

There we go -- bigger shovel.

Bigger shovel -- there we go.

Boy, that is heavy.

And then we got the idea,

kind of a bucket brigade thing.

It's seen in some

of the earlier

"swiss family robinson"

specials.

Oh, boy, harold,

you're supposed to be--

I don't think harold

totally understands the point

of co-operation.

That's obvious every episode.

What's bill doing?

Sorry, bill.

We hadn't noticed that.

We were kind of tied up.

We were dumping the cement

right on...

Apparently right on bill.

You can only watch

so many "I love lucy"'s,

it starts to rub off.

Got our table done.

We heard something

coming from-- we realized...

Oh, by golly!

Bill's stuck inside--

we have cemented bill in--

we cemented-- oh, boy!

Oh, good, that was good.

Yeah, he's fine.

That's great.

Well, there we go.

Bill as a table -- I like it.

Howdy, this is ranger gord,

reminding you

where there's smoke,

there's fire,

and where there's fire,

there's ranger gord,

and where there's ranger gord,

there's...

... Nothing.

There's nobody.

Nothing!

Nothing!

Oh, no!

(can falling over)

oh, my toilet!

Well, who would have thought

you'd have fun with concrete?

Concrete beach,

concrete hedge,

concrete pets...

(audience laughing)

have you finished

that wooden form

to pour your chessboard?

Finished hammering

the last nail

not five minutes ago.

All I gotta do

is pour the concrete.

We saved you

the last truckload.

One truckload's left?

I need six for the chessboard

and three for the players.

I guess we'll have to order

another 15 truckloads

for tomorrow.

I got dibs on the first five.

How did that concrete

skateboard ramp turn out?

Not good, no.

It's hard to get cement

to flow uphill.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh...

(grunting)

ahhh...

What I learned is I should pour

from the top next time.

Yeah.

(possum squeal)

it's meeting time.

Well, you go,

harold.

I'll be down

in 20 minutes.

I ought to be there about then.

Wow.

I'm on my way.

All right,

then, go.

Away you go.

Off you go,

then.

Bang!

Off you go.

Off you go.

Ben johnson

on a seniors' tour.

(laughing and applause)

if my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home

after the meeting.

I'm gonna be bringing

two gas cans of cement.

Gonna have matching headstones.

I'll be no-lead,

you'll be premium.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and...

(possum squeal)

... Flash...

Until we meet again,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(possum squeal)

(harold): Ok, all rise.

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Boy, this is too much!