Curse Of The Mummy/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, car theft is a real

common thing these days,

and they got all kinds of

gadgets to lock your

steering wheel

or sound alarm

or set the car on fire.

It's all supposed

to stop the thief.

Well, it's not working.

I got a better idea.

Get yourself a pretty

good hunk of chain,

a signal light,

and a leg trap

of some kind,

and what you wanna do is set

a reasonable price for

each of these items.

Sell 'em all at

a garage sale.

I figure this

stuff is worth

35 bucks.

Then I take my 35 bills,

and I buy a car like this.

And car theft is

just not gonna happen.

[ cheering and applause ]

might be time for a decaf.

But I do appreciate that.

Look what I found, huh?

Actually the possum lake museum

was having some renovations done

because the building is

older than the exhibits.

So we offered to let them store

their stuff at the lodge.

That's where I got -- I think

this could come in real handy

for keeping guys away

from the beer fridge.

Ceiling fan kind of a --

oh, be careful, red!

What?

It is extremely dangerous

to touch old things

when you don't know

where they've been.

Oh, yeah, is that why

ann marie never holds

your hand?

Well, I am

telling you, red,

that there is a reason that

those artifacts are in museums.

They have sort of

a supernatural power

that transcends

the passage of time.

So does the

lodge chili, dalton.

I'm not

gonna worry --

that's not what

I'm talking about.

Look what I found!

The kids are

gonna love this.

A 2000-year-old

rapper.

[ laughter ]

I call him

mummy dearest.

You guys shouldn't

be foolin' around

with this,

I'm tellin' you.

Well, go ahead.

Tell us.

We're listening.

Yeah, and you've got

this guy's rapt

attention.

Okay, you guys fool around

as much as you want.

I guarantee that this will

come back to haunt you,

because, trust me,

every mummy

comes with a curse.

Wow, what's

his problem?

Unhappy childhood.

He was a mummy's boy.

[ laughter ]

it's time to play the

possum lodge word game.

[ cheers and applause ]

our contestant today

is mr. Mike hamar.

[ applause ]

and he's going to be playing

for this plastic frog

that croaks whenever

you walk in front of it.

[ frog croaking ]

okay, let's just

leave it there.

Okay, now, um,

hide your ears and

plug your eyes.

Okay, now, red.

Yep.

You've got 30 seconds

to get mike hamar

to say this word.

Yeah, all right, ed.

All right.

And go!

Okay, mike,

lawyers are

called to this.

The gates of hades,

to burn in the flames of

eternal damnation?

No.

Okay, let's say you go

into the united states,

and the customs officer

knows you've got a record.

Yeah.

So he won't let

you in.

He blanks your entry.

I wouldn't let him

anywhere near my entry.

Okay.

All right.

Now, mike, mike,

when you get up in the morning

and you look out your window,

what's the first

thing you see?

Bars.

No, no, no, that's not

exactly right.

It's close.

Okay, mike,

it's not bars, but --

gay bars?

No, no.

Gay kung fu bars?

You're almost

outta time, red.

Okay, mike,

when you were a kid,

your mother would

give you a treat.

She'd give you a

chocolate --

gun?

But I didn't

eat it, though.

I used it to rob

one of the big kids.

I got his

candy bar.

[ applause ]

harold.

Uncle red.

What are you doing in

the utility closet?

Checking out the cleaning

supplies, harold.

Uncle red,

that's stealing.

Oh, harold, this is

a big company.

They've got

lots of bucks.

They expect a certain

amount of shrinkage.

It's in the budget.

Well, it's also on

the security camera.

Oh, okay.

No, good.

You know, harold,

I couldn't sleep

at night.

I was worried you were

in a low security

building.

That's good

to know.

Yes, well, there's also a

camera in the closet.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, good.

Good -- good --

good, harold.

That's good to know.

I'm glad I checked

that out.

You know,

uncle red,

I think you

have a misconception

about the relationship

between the employee

and the employer.

I don't actually have

an employer, harold.

Well, that's no

big surprise.

You have your

arm around me.

Well, that's because

I'm trying to be

a friend,

and friends don't let

friends do bad things.

The arm, harold.

Oh, uh --

uncle red,

I work for this company.

This company's tied

to my future.

You know, if you steal

from the company,

well, you're

stealing from me.

What's this

about, harold?

I'm trying

to make a point.

Is this about

the pen set?

No,

the stapler.

Fine.

Thank you.

Did you steal

my pen set too?

This is the repair shop

part of the show

we call, if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

Joining us today

is hap shaugnessy.

What have you got

for us there, hap?

Well, this is

a lie detector, red.

It's supposed to light up

and buzz if anybody

tells a lie,

but it seems to go off

sporadically for no reason.

It's not me,

is it?

You not tellin'

the truth?

No, that's

impossible.

[ buzzer ]

seems to be

working fine, hap.

No, no, no,

it isn't.

Watch this.

Watch this.

My name is hap shaugnessy,

and I'm the first man

to swim under both poles,

climb mount fuji,

and land on the moon.

Well, I guess it's

all right now.

No, no, no, no!

I'll take a look

at it here.

Yeah, you might

as well.

Wouldn't hurt

to check it out.

I wish I'd done that with

the front suspension

when I set the

land speed record.

800 miles an hour,

straddling a 747 engine,

strapped to

a grocery cart.

Luckily I was in

the child seat,

so I was facing

backwards when she

went off the track.

You know how grocery carts

always have that

one shaky wheel?

Here's the problem.

You've got a

blown fuse here.

I think I've got

one of these.

I wonder how that

could've happened?

I was running it on

normal house power.

I built my own

thermonuclear generator,

but I'm not gonna start it up

until I'm sure I don't

want a family.

Well, it might've

been a bad fuse.

Maybe you've got a

spike in the line,

or something.

There we go.

There we go.

Give that a try.

Say something.

Say something.

What do you want

me to say?

I don't know what to say.

I never know what to say.

Right after the war,

eisenhower wanted me

to meet churchill.

I'm figuring,

oh, boy --

you know one thing that's

gotten real popular over

the last few years

is gardening.

I don't mean the ordinary

kind of gardening,

where you grow carrots

and tomatoes

and barley and hops.

I'm talking about

the fancy gardens.

You know, with the

exotic plants in them,

the waterfall and the sound

and lights and everything.

So today I'm going

to show you

how to make a cheap yet

impressive centrepiece

for your garden.

Now, I know you could just

wire speakers and lights

all over your yard,

but then the next

thing you know,

you've electrocuted

a groundhog,

and the greenpeacers

are all --

so we're gonna go

another way.

We're gonna use

wind power.

All's you need is

an old bike

and a set of drums.

You can get a full set of

drums pretty cheap.

All you gotta do is

hang around a music store,

until some parent comes in

and buys a set of drums

for their kid.

Just get their address,

wait about a month,

you'll be able to buy

the whole set back

for about ten cents

on the dollar.

All right, now,

the first step is

you wanna turn the bike

into a windmill stand.

You're pretty much on

your own there.

I don't believe

there's a manual for

that particular conversion.

Okay, step two now.

I just gotta mount the base drum

onto the windmill stand.

I've already attached the

unit to the bicycle wheel,

using the handyman's

secret weapon,

duct tape.

But I want you to

notice something here.

I've had to remove the struts

on this on this side

of the bicycle,

which means I've weakened the

structural integrity

of the bike itself,

so I have to

compensate for that

by really horsing down

the axle to the other side.

[ grunting ]

okay, we're just

about done here.

I've, uh, added

a couple of drum sticks.

They're actually hinged to

the rim of the drum.

So as she goes round,

they're gonna hit the

floor tom and then the snare,

and then on the top side,

they slam up against

the base drum.

So I get a down beat

on the base drum,

I get my back beat

on the snare,

I get a funky riff

happening on the floor tom,

all against a steady ride

on the cymbals.

This is not just

a garden ornament,

this is a happening.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Now all we gotta do

is wait for the wind.

[ drum solo playing ]

I wanna talk to you middle-aged

do-it-yourselfers out there.

I know you're the kind of guy

that, when something breaks,

you think it's your right

and your duty

to try to fix it.

Even if it doesn't break,

sometimes you want to just

take something apart to

see how it works

before you'll use it.

And a lot of times,

when you take it apart

to see how it works,

it doesn't.

Okay, I know this is a

key part of your behavior,

it might even be

how you define yourself,

but I'm tellin' you,

there are certain things

that you just shouldn't

fool around with...

A portable

dialysis machine;

somebody else's wife;

anything with one of those

radioactive stickers on it.

I know this is gonna

be hard to hear from me,

but I gotta tell you,

there are certain times

you just gotta say,

I can't fix this, okay?

Don't say it

out loud.

Just put all the parts

of the vcr or the computer

back to where they were --

or as close as you can get 'em.

Then what you say

real loud is,

boy, this is

a bad design.

I would never have put the

comstater so close to

the pulse regulator.

Then what you wanna do is

go over to the phone --

not the one you fixed,

the other one,

the one that works.

Do yourself a favour

and call a professional.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in

this together.

Red, red,

you know, you shouldn't

be doin' that.

Your little mummy was

an egyptian prince

in 600 b.C.

It says his entire

family was strangled,

and he's vowed

to come back and

return the favour!

Yep.

I told you there was a curse.

This mummy's dangerous!

I've got him

under control, dalton.

Hold it right

there, bandage boy.

[ laughter ]

I give up.

Oh, you know, these people

who work in museums, eh?

They must have

a lot of laughs.

Oh, here's

sir lancelot.

This armour

is great.

I can handle anything

with this stuff on.

Except rain.

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah, you know.

You know, it must've

been really neat,

sort of, living

in the olden days.

You know those days before

neighbourhood watch

and police radios

and stuff.

Mike, I'm just

thinking.

You know you're about

the same body style

as the mu --

you know we could

do a switch

and play a real

trick on dalton.

Huh? Huh?

Okay!

Yeah, but let's not

kill him or anything.

No, no.

No, all right.

No, no, no.

Tell you what.

You get that

armour off.

I've got some old bandages

down in the basement.

We'll just --

you know.

Okay, well, put him

on the workbench

downstairs.

I'm gonna get

me a drink.

Okay, but you can't

drink here.

You have to go to an

all-"knight" tavern.

[ laughter ]

did you like

that one?

[ applause ]

oh, oh, red green.

This is great.

I was wondering when

you'd get here.

Didn't you see me

get out of my van?

Well, yeah, but it's

a lot a steps

for somebody like

you with a --

well, it's great

to see you.

Oh, I've got some

exciting news.

I'm going to be

turning my watchtower

into a small educational

museum of the forest.

You gonna be one of

the exhibits, gord?

No, no, I'm going to be

the museum curator.

Do you know what

that means?

Not in this

case, no.

I'm going to be in charge

of all the exhibits.

Here's my first

museum piece here.

Can you figure out

what this is?

Yeah, that's

poison ivy.

That's right.

That's exactly

what that is.

Oh, here's

another one.

Can you tell me

what this is?

Well, yeah, that's

just a slice of a tree,

showing you the

tree rings there.

That's right.

Now, what can we learn from

this slice of tree,

as you call it?

That you have a chain saw,

which scares me, frankly.

Oh, no, we can learn

far more than that.

Allow me

to educate.

You see this outermost

ring here?

You mean the bark?

That's correct.

Now, I can tell by

looking at this ring

that this is exactly when

this tree was cut down.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

Just by looking at it.

Now, let's move on

to the next five

outermost rings.

I can tell by

looking at these

that all of these years

had something in common.

The summers were

short, cool,

and very,

very lonely.

[ whimpering ]

and if you look

closer, okay,

you can see that there wasn't a

woman here or here or here...

All right, gord.

Ever!

Is it possible that you're

letting your personal

problems affect this?

No, no, I know there's

never been a woman here.

I should know,

I'm the museum curator.

Yeah, okay, gord,

gord, now, it's time

for you to make a

decision here.

If you want to

protect the forest,

you have to live here

in the fire tower;

if you wanna

meet a woman,

you're gonna have

to move into town and

get professional help.

So what's

it gonna be?

Girls or squirrels?

Squirrels.

Just don't let

them bury you, gord.

Red:

Just enjoying

a drink of pop,

waiting for a little help

to move a fridge.

Where are my helpers?

Oh, some golfers may

end up as my helpers,

whether they wanna

be or not.

Hey, dalton.

That's walter.

No, no, no,

not just yet.

I'll give you the ball back,

but you gotta help me.

Just gotta move the fridge,

just down a few steps.

Just a couple

of steps down --

you know, it looks

worse than it is.

I think once we get it --

hey, look, it's not --

we're not going up.

You know.

Everybody grab a corner.

It's not that bad.

Up she goes.

Push her up.

Come on, one, two --

everybody together --

two, three, up.

Everybody up.

Up, up.

Everybody up.

Okay, all right,

all right, all right.

Okay, okay --

yeah.

All right, no,

I should have emptied it.

Okay, all right.

Okay, fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

Don't make a big deal

out of it.

Just take

a minute here.

There we go.

Ah, okay.

That's it.

Away we go.

Everybody grab a corner.

Let's go.

Let's go.

One, two, three,

up she goes there.

And up, up.

Man, oh, man.

Okay, we're doin' good.

We're doin' fine.

Okay.

Oop.

Oh, oh, oh.

O-o-oh!

Oh, geez.

Oh, oh.

Oh, man.

Oh, oh, geez.

Now, walter's a young fella,

doesn't have a girlfriend,

so he has power.

There we go.

All right, look at this.

Take her up.

Take her up.

Sometimes it's easier for one

man to do a job, you know --

he can balance it

and, you know --

he's got what they call

a balanced load.

None of the rest

of us have that.

Take her up.

Get her up where --

okay, okay, now, walter,

set her down on your head.

Set her down right

on your head,

that flat part there.

Well, it'll be flat

in a minute.

There we go.

There we go.

Now bal -- bal --

easy, easy.

Easy, easy, easy.

Use the hand railings.

That's what they're there for

there you go.

There you go.

Hey, where's

my can of pop?

Man, I could really --

anybody seen my pop?

Oh, there it is.

Oh, oh!

All right, now, don't

try this at home, kids.

He's --

watch out --

oh!

O-o-oh!

Oh, my gosh.

Holy cow.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my --

don't worry,

we're comin', walter.

We're comin'.

Oh, oh, oh --

oh!

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Ah, wow.

Well, we got her

down there.

Okay, I'll just

plug that in,

and we can go up and

get the groceries.

And I don't know

where walter got to,

but anyway --

oh, there he is.

Well, you seem

a little chilly.

All right, there's

your golf ball back.

You've earned it.

Thanks, walter.

Oh, hi.

Hey, how are you?

Oh, right, um --

welcome to

mike's teen talk.

Today I wanna talk about

blaming your parents.

It's important

not to do that.

You know, I never blamed

my mom or any of my dads.

They were too busy living

their own lives, you know,

trying to make ends meet

and comin' up with a

believable alibi.

Maybe it's time you grew up

a little bit, eh?

Maybe it's time

you became an adult.

And to do that, you gotta stop

blamin' your parents

and put the blame where it

really belongs...

On the system.

The system

really sucks.

Like, say you pilfer a little

money from your parents.

They might ground

you for a few nights

in your little home, right?

Well, you pilfer some

money from a bank,

and they'll ground you for a

few years in their big house!

Or say you're fed up

with your parents

because they won't let you

borrow their only car.

General motors has

millions of cars,

and they get really upset

if you borrow their's!

And talk about

your parents' rules.

Have you ever seen

the penal code?

Talk about strict!

So I'd stick with

my parents, if I were you.

Sure they're tough,

but at least with

your parents,

you're eligible for

parole when you're 18.

That's it.

Oh, great, eh?

You found

the bandages?

Man, you look

terrific.

You're gonna scare

the crap outta dalton.

This is great.

This is great.

He's comin' now,

so just have some

fun with it.

Red, you wanted

to see me?

Yeah, you know,

dalton,

I've been thinking about

this curse of the

mummy thing.

I think there might

be something to that.

Why?

What --

did something

bad happen?

No, no, no,

nothing happened,

but you know,

you just never know.

Red!

Why take chances?

Red!

What? What?

I think I saw

that mummy move!

See, dalton,

you know,

you get

so carried away.

Why can't you just

go along with --

ah! Red!

Mummy!

The mummy!

You see, this is why

nobody believes you,

because you

overreact.

No don't.

It's alive!

It's alive, red!

What are you

talkin' about?

Ah! Dalton,

do something.

Do something.

All right.

All right.

That's enough, mike.

Go take the

bandages off.

That's all right.

That's good.

Ah!

Dalton, come on.

It's not the mummy.

It's only mike.

Come on,

it's only mike.

We played a

joke on you.

It's only mike.

It's just mike.

That's all it is.

Hey, mike!

Mike!

Yes, mr. Green?

[ applause and laughter ]

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time.

Yeah.

Come on, dalton.

Um, if my wife

is watchin',

uh, I'll be comin' straight

home after the meeting.

I'm hoping you can explain

what just happened here,

unless you think it's better

that I don't know,

like that way you handled the

whole childbirth thing.

Uh, the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your mummy on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com

okay, we gotta start

the meeting.

Sit down.

Everybody sit down.

Sit down.

Sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right, men,

bow your heads for

the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Closed captioning provided by