The Missile Crisis/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

I like having

a large vehicle.

It makes me feel safer.

I like sitting up

nice and high

so I can see

the cops sooner.

The problem with any of these

vans or s.U.V.S or whatever

is when you go around

a corner they roll over.

I find that inconvenient.

That's because

they're top heavy --

but then, so am I.

So I attached

this landing gear,

from this old airplane

I found somewhere --

it's not important really.

And now, whenever I take

a corner too fast,

the landing gear is going

to stop me from becoming

airborne, see?

But you know

what they say,

actions speak

louder than words.

And I know a lot of you

don't hear too well.

[ cheers and applause ]

thanks very much.

Appreciate it.

It's been a strange week up

at the lodge this week.

Lloyd carson passed away.

Yeah, that's pretty much

the same way we feel.

Lloyd was a weird guy.

He was one of

those military nuts,

always dressed for

combat, you know.

He was married four times.

Maybe that explains it.

I always got along

okay with lloyd,

as long as he'd

taken his medication.

This actually

was lloyd's musket,

but it's ours now.

See, because the bank has

seized his property

because of debts

being owed there,

but they said any lodge

member can go over

and take any piece

of junk they want, eh --

as long as they get

it off the property.

It's fantastic.

Uncle red!

Uncle red!

Oh -- did you

steal that musket

from a dead guy?

Shame on you.

Shame on you.

Harold, it's not stealing

when the bank does it.

It's called meeting your

fiduciary responsibilities.

Oh-ho!

You don't even know the

meaning of that word.

No, responsibility.

Fiduciary?

And fiduciary.

Harold,

all I know is

the bank just wants the

house and the land,

and they told us we can

have anything else we find,

as long as we remove it

from the property.

I still think

it's wrong.

Lloyd was

a weird guy.

You could find all

sorts of dangerous

stuff over there.

You know, maybe you

should come over,

kind of pick around.

You might be able to

find yourself a life.

Red! We got big trouble

over at the carson place.

What?

Well, the water tasted funny,

so we shone a light

down the well,

and you'll never guess what

we saw when we looked

down there.

Stinky peterson?

No. A missile.

A missile, red,

what?

Pointing straight

up at us.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

We're all going to die

and I've never been

with a woman!

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

There's nothing to

worry about, harold.

There's nothing

dangerous going on.

The missile's not

any problem at all.

We'll just hoist her

out of there, no sweat.

Red, it's a missile.

Well, so what?

Those don't just go off.

And now it's time to play

the possum lodge word game.

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner will

receive a coupon

for three tanning sessions

at the port asbestos

leather factory.

Okay, cover your ears.

Red, you have 30 seconds

to get ranger gord

to say this word...

All right, ed.

And... Go.

Okay, gord.

This is something

that's very hot.

Connie stevens.

Okay, okay, there's

an expression,

where there's smoke

there's...

Cheech and chong.

No. Okay, okay, when

you were in your tower

and lightning hit your

forest, what did you get?

Crispy nose hairs?

Okay. No.

This is the one thing

that's destroying all

of our forests.

Yeah. Too much urine.

Almost out of time, red.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, gord, remember

how that forest

burnt to the ground

outside rock creek point?

What happened there?

Yeah, right, the forest

ranger fell asleep...

For a month.

You know,

for a while there,

I thought they were

going to fire him.

Hey! There we go!

[ ♪ ]

winston:

I'm a little hungry.

Red:

Well, there's some sandwiches

in the cooler there, winston.

Winston:

Uh, this smells

a little weird.

How old is this?

Red:

I'm not sure.

When's the last

time we went fishing?

Mike:

Hey, what's the worst

food you guys ever ate?

Red:

Vegetables.

Winston:

No offence, mike,

but for me it had to be

your macaroni surprise.

Mike: Really?

I thought you liked it.

Red:

Surprise.

Mike:

That's nothing.

You guys ever

had prison food?

Red and winston:

No. Uh-hunh.

Mike:

Well, it is disgusting.

And such tiny portions.

Red:

What's the worst thing

you ever ate, mike?

Mike:

Evidence.

Winston:

I ate grubs once.

Mike:

Why would anyone eat grubs?

Red: Maybe they

were out of crickets.

Winston:

Hey, look, when you're

lost in the woods for days

and you haven't eaten,

grubs start to look

pretty darn good.

Mike:

Oh, okay, well,

that's just human nature.

You never know

what you're capable of

until you're in a

desperate situation.

Like many times

I was forced to steal

simply because people

wouldn't give me their stuff.

Winston:

We all make choices, you know?

Red:

Yup, that we do.

Winston: Anthony anthony says

the quality of your choices

is based on the calibre

of your alternatives.

Red:

Well, yeah, that's why

the sell a lot more ladas

in russia

than they do here.

Mike: It's supply

and demand, really.

Like, when you're

in prison,

the women start

looking better.

Red:

So do the men, I hear.

Winston:

Bernice married you.

I mean, she must have had

some pretty slim pickings.

Red:

Yeah, it was either

me or one of you guys.

Did you know it took

isaac newton over 20 years

to discover gravity?

That's because he

just sat around thinking.

If he was an

active handyman,

he would have hit on

gravity a lot sooner,

especially if he had one of

these extension ladders.

I tell you, an extension

ladder is a dangerous thing.

It's like a fat guy

with tiny feet.

It can tip over about

a million different ways.

So this time on

handyman corner,

we're going to build something

a lot safer than a ladder.

That's right.

An escalator.

Okay, for starters you

wanna take down your

clothesline,

because that's

going to become

part of the drive

mechanism for the unit.

But you're also going

to need a motor.

So to save money there,

I suggest you take the motor

of an existing appliance,

like, say,

maybe a washing machine.

I mean, you already took

down your clothesline.

You're not going to be

doing any laundry.

Okay, I got my drive

unit all in place there.

And wired her up with a

couple of 3-way switches

so I can turn it on and off

from two different places.

You know, like those switches

you have in your house

for when your wife

forgets you're still home

and turns off the basement

light while you're down there

trying to get a sliver

out of your upper thigh.

So I can turn

my escalator on

by pushing the

switch down here

and then turn it off

from the top of the ladder.

I'll tell you why

that's important later.

Okay, now we get

to the tricky part...

The collapsible steps.

I'm going to use

folding chairs on that.

But here, again, you don't

want to go over budget.

So go to the most unpopular

club in your town --

you know, something like

citizens against beer.

They're going to have way

more folding chairs

than they need,

and you can help them

out with that problem.

Okay, but all

I need is the back

and the folding seat there,

so I'm just going to

take a couple of minutes

and hack the

legs off there.

Okay, I've got

my legless chairs

attached to the

clothesline lift system,

and what I wanted to show you

I ended using those skis

that you saw earlier.

I turned them upside down

so the chairs don't

catch on the rungs,

because doing a

handyman project is

like making wieners...

You end up

using everything.

All right, let's give

her a dry run.

Okay, we're almost done,

but I better pick up

the pace a little bit

because I want

to finish this project

before my medical

insurance runs out.

Okay, just had to add

the handrail on there,

and we're ready to go.

Again I saved myself

a few dollars here.

This is just a

garden hose that I split

and then fit it over the

edge of the plywood.

The hose didn't

cost me anything

because my

neighbours are away.

Actually, even the plywood

wasn't that hard to come by.

Okay, that's enough talk.

Time for a little

upward mobility.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should, at least

find you handy.

[ ♪ ]

you know, when a man

gets to a certain age,

he's learned a

thing or two.

I don't mean that

figuratively either.

I'm saying maybe

one, two things tops.

Now, some of

you guys may think

you know more than I'm

giving you credit for,

but you're just mistaking

useless trivia

for actual knowledge.

Oh, sure, I'm sure you sit

there in your living room

yelling out the answers to

your favourite tv game show.

You might even get

some of them right.

But I'm talking about applied

wisdom for your golden years

in the off chance that you

actually have golden years.

See, the middle-aged mind is

kind of like a computer --

an old computer,

like maybe a commodore 64.

And you got peanut butter

on the keys

and sneeze marks all

over the screen.

Now, if you don't want that

computer to be declared

obsolete,

I'll tell you what

you got to do.

You got to clear

off some space on the

old hard drive there.

Things like

your wife's birthday,

hey, that's a keeper.

But knowing who wrote the

theme song to mchale's navy,

well, that one can go.

Likewise, I'm sure

there was a time

when it was important

to know who scored

the winning touchdown

in the 1976 superbowl,

how many yards he ran,

that fact that he

slipped in the endzone

because it was

raining that day.

But if that stops you

from remembering

which wires go where when

you're jump starting a car,

or that flammable and

inflammable actually

mean the same thing,

well, you're probably not

going to enjoy any more

superbowls.

So what I'm saying

is lose the trivia,

keep the knowledge.

You may never

be on jeopardy,

but you'll

also never be in it.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in

this together.

When there's no fog in town

except for your patch,

when it gives

you an itch where

you'd rather not scratch,

call rothschild's now,

and I'll be dispatched.

Light up that switchboard,

just don't light a match.

Bring that manhole cover,

will you, harold?

Okay, I think we got that

missile problem all

figured out.

I think we should contact

the u.S. Air force.

You know,

from the cold war.

This could be one

of their missiles.

Well, I'm not going

to be calling the

u.S. Air force.

What do I say?

We've got a missile?

They take

that as a threat,

we're in real trouble.

Well, then contact

the canadian air force.

Harold, it's after six.

He's gone home.

[ applause ]

you have

to call somebody.

Call the bomb squad.

Call the bomb squad.

Just call

somebody, please.

Just relax.

Are you afraid that

we don't know much

about missiles?

I'm afraid you don't

know much about anything.

Just be reasonable.

What's the worse thing

that could happen?

Hmm.

Oh, let's see.

Oh! The missile goes off

and kills everything

in a 50-mile radius!

You don't think?

No, no, no, no.

No, the danger is the

missile going off

unexpectedly.

So the solution is

we got to set the

missile off on purpose.

Yes.

I feel so much better.

Well, and you

should, see?

I figure we're going

to screw the manhole cover

down on top

of the well, okay.

Then we detonate that

puppy right down

inside there.

We put the fish net to lay

down right on top of that

manhole cover there.

I figure the cover's

going to absorb,

I'm guessing,

95% of the energy.

So then the missile

will get all tangled

up in the fish net

and just flop down

beside the well.

Yeah.

Yup. Yup.

And you're serious?

Dead serious.

Let's hope not.

Red:

Walter had asked me to

join him in behind the lodge

to do a little

bit of work on his car.

And one of the

first things I do when

working on a vehicle

is kind of check the oil.

And he hadn't changed

his oil in a while.

So we had a case of oil.

I thought this might

be a good way to start.

So I give him the wrench

and the pan there

and said go down underneath.

Put a piece of plywood down

there and so he keeps his

clothes a little cleaner.

All he's got to do is take

the drain plug off the pan

and get the old oil out,

and we'll put the new oil in.

I'm sure it's the first time

walter had ever done this.

It's kind of rusted on there.

But he finally got the --

get the pan.

The pan, walter, the pan.

There you go.

All right.

So we got her all filled up

and he wrings that out.

And he didn't spill

too much of it really.

Not too bad.

So he gets up and --

when you're doing

your own oil changes,

here's an important --

look for the drain plug.

A lot of times

it'll drop right into the.

There is is there.

See, it's important.

You go put that

back on, walter.

That goes back on.

Away you go.

And we have a big can

we keep for recycled

oil down there.

So I just go down and

dump the pan in there,

and, well, she got away

from me a little bit.

So, okay.

Good enough.

Now I'm starting

to put the oil --

I put a few quarts

in at this point.

I figure it was --

you know,

for a small engine,

it was really

holding a lot of oil.

So I thought maybe I'd just

check to see how we're doing.

And, uh, real surprise.

I pull it out,

and it's just bone dry.

And, uh, I can

hear oil running.

It's running

down the wood

and right down the hill.

So, you know,

I'm saying to walter,

like what happened

to that drain plug?

And he says, no problem.

I got it right here.

I said, you gotta go

put that in walter.

It's got to go

into the pan.

But now everything

is so darn slippery,

the grass, everything,

that it just virtually takes

off on him and away he goes.

And I try to --

I did my best to save him.

Oh, boy.

So he's okay, but --

now, I'm looking

at the board,

and suddenly I

got a great idea.

Hmm... Yeah...

So what I did was

I mounted the board on kind

of a display / easel thing

'cause to me,

this is an oil painting.

And we had a big

local collector.

He's about 6'5",

and he came over and looked.

He was interested in it,

and we were having kind of

a special feature today.

You could

meet the artist.

And I think we were doing

fine until walter tried

to shake his hand.

Way to go, walter.

Killed another art sale.

[ ♪ ]

okay, now,

this may look like a

romantic candlelight dinner,

but it's not.

For starters,

I'm alone,

so there's no change for

romance or just friends.

So why the candles?

Well, that could be

because the power is out.

My wife's over

at her mother's,

and I'm eating leftover chili

that I warmed up over the

exhaust manifold of

the possum van.

But the big problem is I've

got to get up early in

the morning,

and all I've got is this

electric alarm clock.

Okay, here's where

I get really smart.

You've been waiting a while

for this, haven't you?

This is a battery powered

smoke detector.

And this lever closes

the fireplace damper.

G'night.

[ snoring ]

[ fire alarm buzzing ]

[ hacking cough ]

come on up

here, harold.

Okay.

You should wear these

welding goggles

for safety and

that kind of thing.

No thanks,

harold.

What's with all the

jumper cables?

Well, lloyd never paid

his electrical bill,

so he's got no

power over there.

So we're actually going

to ignite the missile

from possum lodge

mission control.

Right here.

Okay, red. It looks like

it's all systems go.

Okay.

Great. Great.

Harold, you take

this jumper cable.

I want to you to

go that terminal at

the far end there,

because I can't reach

both terminals.

So it takes two guys

to light this candle, baby.

Wow! It's like

the real deal,

like when those two guys

have to turn the keys

at exactly

the same time.

Well, we like to do

everything by the book.

You know that, harold.

This is so cool.

I'm not doing it,

but it's so cool.

Well, fine.

Ed, here.

You do the

honours.

Harold, you do

the countdown, okay?

Okay, okay.

Watch that.

Watch that.

Red: Go!

Harold: All right.

Initiating final countdown

sequence to launch.

10 minutes and counting.

9 minutes

and 59 seconds.

Just start at 10 seconds,

would you, please!

Initiating final revised

countdown to launch.

Ten seconds.

Harold, forget it.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1,

blast off!

We have lift-off!

Oh, baby!

Uncle red!

I don't think the manhole

cover absorbed 95%

of the force.

The manhole

did nothing.

The fish net is going

to do nothing at all,

uncle red.

Oh, yeah, harold?

The fish net caught

in the rafters,

just like I planned.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

You go ahead.

I'll be right down.

And if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

Kind of hoping we can put an

end to our own personal

cold war.

I'm certainly ready

to lay down my arms.

And to rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

everybody take a seat.

We'll begin the meeting

as soon as he arrives.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men,

bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Okay, guys,

well, we got the missile

off of lloyd's property,

but we got a little bit of

repair work to do on the roof.

[ explosion ]

and the lodge itself,

apparently.

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