Home Barber Kit/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold: Well, this is the moment

we've all been waiting for.

We're only half an hour away

from the end of the show.

We're getting there.

And here to help us get through

this last 30 minutes

of "the red green show"

is the --

well, is the star

of "the red green show,"

my uncle,

and, well, it's his own show.

That's why it's named "the red

green show," and he hired me.

That's pretty much

why it's called his show,

'cause otherwise,

we'd call it, like, "wilderlike"

or something like that,

but we'll have to stick

to "the red green show"!

Here he is -- red green!

Thank you, harold,

and, uh, welcome to the show.

Thank you for watching.

If you haven't been turned off

by now,

you're probably gonna be able

to tough it through

to the end of the show.

Golly, we had a heck of a time

up at the lodge this week.

Moose thompson, uh, won

one of them home barber kits

at the bingo,

and he wanted to give everybody

a free haircut,

so, golly, we had a heck of

a lot of fun with that.

Old man sedgwick

ended up losing an ear,

you know, but no big deal.

He doesn't use them anyway.

And moose thompson said that

he was only following orders.

How was he supposed to know

that "a little off the side"

only meant hair?

And speaking of

a little off the side,

come over here, harold.

Harold is producer and director

of the show

and the announcer,

as you maybe heard,

unless you were lucky enough

not to be listening,

and he has

a piece of equipment here

that enables him to move us

into the next segment,

you know, if things are boring

or not moving fast enough.

He just hits some buttons there,

and...

Oh, for god sakes, harold.

I tell you, I put us into

the next segment by mistake.

Just get us back here.

Let me finish the story.

Oh, no,

that's -- that's okay.

I want to finish the story.

Here, I'll get it back.

Don't touch it!

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ sleep through the night ♪

♪ up with the sun ♪

♪ snorf down a coffee

and reach for my gun ♪

♪ come to the forest

where all the birds fly ♪

♪ I blow them and blast them

right out of the sky ♪

♪ smell the gunpowder ♪

♪ hear the shots ring ♪

♪ when the ducks start falling,

it'll make your heart sing ♪

♪ hunting is heaven ♪

♪ it's a sport

for real men ♪

♪ and as soon as my wound heals,

I'll go hunting again ♪

this week

in the "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

how to make it a lot safer

to drive at night.

Step number one is you throw

old man sedgwick's truck keys

into the lake.

Step two, you go around

the front of your vehicle

and you count

the number of headlights.

I come up with the number two --

not one of my favorites.

I much prefer the number 10.

Right now we've got

the headlights all attached

with the handyman's

secret weapon -- duct tape --

strong and yet flexible enough

that you can adjust

the headlights,

say, even after

they're in position.

So I can have two

facing the left,

a couple up, a couple down,

a couple to the right,

and the other ones

just to kind of fill in.

I'm gonna see anything

on the road in front of me

with a rig like this.

And even if one or two of them

are burned out,

that's still no real

big problem.

Now, obviously, it's gonna take

a little extra power

to, uh, run a system like this,

so what I do is I run

a ba-battery cable,

jumper-type cable,

battery cables back to the back.

I don't have one long enough,

so I hooked two together,

and that's --

as long as it's outside the car,

I think that's safe enough.

Uh, and take them right through

the windshield,

or where the windshield used

to be, into the backseat area,

and what I have in here

is I got four batteries,

and, uh, they're wired

in parallel with, um --

with coat hangers.

They power

all my extra lighting.

And, uh...

Now, the wife might think

that this is kind of

an ugly-looking rig,

but I got a little surprise for

you that might even satisfy her,

but I doubt it.

Now, what I've got here

is I've mounted a european-style

spoiler on the front,

like you see on your maseratis

and ferraris and isuzus.

And what kind of a world would

this be without duct tape,

I ask you?

I'll shock you --

it's a piece of plywood.

I got a c-clamp on there,

and I got an old

garage-door opener here,

which is gonna raise

and lower the whole unit.

Talk about a spoiler.

So if you guys want to just

throw on your welding goggles

out in front there,

uh, let's give this rig a try.

[ garage-door motor whirring ]

well, if that isn't attractive

and sporty

and stylish

all at the same time,

then, hey, knock me down

and let me get back up again.

So, it's that easy,

you can do it yourself

if you got the tools

and the know-how.

So, until next time,

remember this --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ engine sputtering ]

don't go away.

I'm sure you want to hear the

end of the haircutting story.

Oh, yeah,

that's a real nail-biter.

For sure.

[ chuckles ]

"it is winter.

"the moonlight bounces off

the icy lake.

"the streetlights bounce off

the icy roads.

"your car bounces off

the icy guardrails.

"your head bounces off

the dashboard.

Your check bounces off the brain

surgeon's reception desk."

well, anyway, getting back

to this haircutting kit

that moose thompson had,

you know, stinky peterson

gets his hair cut

about as often as he washes it,

which works out to about

once every four years.

So the idea

of getting a free haircut

was pretty appealing to him,

even though it meant

that several forms of wildlife

were gonna have to find

a new natural habitat.

So moose, unfortunately,

wasn't interested

in shampooing stinky's hair,

so what he done was

he just combed it straight up

with a garden rake

and then marked a line across

using a "t" square

and a piece of chalk.

But then,

when he went to cut it,

golly, it broke all the blades

in the razor.

So this makes moose pretty mad,

plus, stinky's hair is looking

like a hedge on drugs.

You know, and stinky wanted

his money back, of course,

but then he hadn't paid

anything,

so he said he was willing

to take a check.

Uncle red,

uncle red, look.

I've made my video-device

machine into a time machine.

Well, how does that work,

harold?

Oh, easy.

Watch this, watch this.

Like, I'll set it for five

minutes into the future, right?

To say, like,

when the haircutting story

was over, for instance,

and then push

a couple buttons...

...And presto!

We're into the future.

We're not into the future,

harold.

We're just into

the next segment.

Oh, well.

That's good enough.

Gord: Oh, red green!

Yeah?

This is a surprise.

It's a big surprise!

Yeah.

[ both laugh ]

a real, live human being.

Please, come in.

This is great.

Wipe your feet there.

Oh, sorry, yeah.

Well, ranger gord,

uh, I understand the forest

is real, real dry,

and we popped in because --

I guess the fire danger has got

to be up there now, isn't it?

Oh, it's very dangerous.

It's very, very dry.

It hasn't been this dry since

all the time I've been up here.

And we haven't had rain now

for 23 days,

and even when it did rain

23 days ago,

it only rained

for about two hours.

And 7 days previous to that,

it drizzled for 17, 18 minutes

but nothing

of any consequence.

Maybe half an inch,

3/4 of an inch --

nothing of any consequence.

A little time

previous to that,

it rained for maybe four

or five minutes,

but nothing, nothing really

of any consequence.

It's interesting.

Yeah, it is.

And all the time

I've been up here,

I haven't seen it

this dry.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Everything made out of wood

is shrinking, you know?

I'm sensing that.

I have to retune my autoharp

every day.

Oh, gosh,

you got an autoharp.

I've been working on a medley of

hits by the captain & tennille.

Would you like

to hear me play?

Well, maybe later, you know,

or some other time or something.

[ coughs ]

are they still hot --

the captain & tennille?

Well, you'd have to ask harold

about that.

What I wanted you to do, though,

ranger gord, if you don't mind,

is tell our viewers

about some of the dangers

of your job, fire-watching.

Well, I'd love to, red.

Okay, great.

[ clears throat ]

well, ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

one of the major dangers

in watching a fire

is that if you watch them

too close,

you can burn your eyebrows

right off.

So be very careful there.

Um, now,

the other thing is

if I didn't have

a fire to watch,

in the 12 years

that I've been up here...

Oh, no.

All right.

That's all right.

That's all right.

That's all right.

I didn't realize.

12 years is -- I mean,

don't you take a vacation, gord?

Can't you take a day off

or something in 12 years?

[ crying ] no!

No?

Fire doesn't take

a vacation!

Fire doesn't take

a day off!

[ clears throat ]

well, what about in the winter?

I mean, there's no forest fire

in the winter, you know.

Don't tell me that, red.

Don't tell me

that I didn't have to spend

the last 12 winters

freezing to death up here!

Don't tell me that, red!

No, all right, all right,

all right.

[ sobbing ]

gord, I could be wrong.

I could be wrong.

Now let's talk about

something else.

What about at night?

What about at night

and there's a forest fire?

Can you see it?

How do you tell?

How do you detect it?

How can you see it?

What do you do?

Well, if the flames

are big enough,

you'd be able to see it,

wouldn't you?

Oh, no, no, I meant, you know,

if you were asleep.

How would you know there's

a fire if you're asleep?

Sleep?

Yeah, you know,

if you're asleep.

You mean

I could have slept?

Don't tell me that, red,

okay?

Okay, don't --

don't tell me that, red!

Fire doesn't sleep, you know!

Huh?!

I understand, I understand.

All right, all right.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

I have a question for you.

A big fire, sure,

you're gonna see it.

What about a small fire?

How do you detect a small fire?

Oh. [ chuckles ]

oh, okay.

Well, uh...

I've got 400 smoke detectors

hung one breaker

all around here.

Oh.

That's an interesting...

My only problem is dense fog.

The fog will set them off.

Oh.

Anytime there's a dense fog,

the whole forest goes...

[ smoke alarm blares ]

boy, that would be something

to hear, wouldn't it?

Oh, yeah.

All the crickets start mating.

I'll just plug in an 8-track

of the captain & tennille

and drown it out.

Oh. Yeah.

Do you know

that toni tennille

sings in the same key

as a smoke detector?

You don't say.

Well, gord, we got to go.

Really good to see you again.

Take care of yourself.

Oh, no,

you're not going now.

We just have --

no. Please.

Please.

No. No.

I was gonna show you

my bark collection and stuff!

Well, we'll just see that

another time, all right?

Now you take care of yourself.

We'll come back.

No, please, don't go!

Hey, well, uh, why don't

you come back tomorrow?

I'm -- I'm here tomorrow.

Oh, all right, well --

you know,

say, after 11:00,

'cause at 11:00,

I'm scheduled to floss,

but if you want

to come by early,

I'll move it

to another day.

Well, why don't we just play

that by ear, huh, huh?

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Like my autoharp, huh?

Play it by ear?

Oh, you play that by ear,

too.

Yeah, I could, uh --

would you like to hear

"love will keep us together"?

Uh, well,

that would be nice,

but I think we should wait till

the fog rolls in, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ listen to the singing toad

sing his happy song ♪

♪ at the copa ♪

♪ copacabana ♪

♪ the ho-- ♪

sorry.

♪ if you don't hear

the singing toad ♪

♪ he must have sung

too close to the road ♪

copaca-- vroom! Chk!

Ohh! Rarr! Voom!

[ laughs ]

oh! Uncle red,

this is so excellent.

It's "male call" time again,

and I think this is

the best part of the show.

You know,

it just gels together like that.

Just thought out of it

off the top of my head

and -- bang --

it's all fitting together.

This is so great!

Ha!

Oh, yeah, harold,

I smell an emmy.

Oh, ha!

You scared me there, uncle red.

[ chuckles ]

okay, letter number one.

"dear red green,

"last year, I saw every episode

of your show.

"then this year,

we got our tv dial fixed,

"and I've been watching

some other shows.

"and they're all talking about

the environment.

What about you?"

well, harold, one of

the biggest problems we face

is the destruction

of the environment

through the use of cffs...

Or, uh, fc...

Well, really what

they're called, chlorocarbons

or -- or carbo...

Carboflurom.

What's the name of that stuff

they use in the refrigerators?

Oh, sorry?

What?

Sorry, I was making up

a cartoon in my mind.

I was talking about

refrigeration.

What's the name of that stuff

they use in there?

You know, it's in your car

air conditioner.

My car doesn't have

an air conditioner.

Why not?

It's a motorcycle.

I forget what we were

talking about.

Carbofluorons?

Yeah, okay, all right,

so what we have to do

is we got to figure out

a way to make ozone.

Oh, how do you do that?

Well, ozone is produced

whenever there's

an electrical short-circuit.

Remember that time

when we dropped the s.O.S pad

into the hair dryer.

Remember that smell?

Yeah.

Well, that was ozone.

Are you sure?

I thought that was

the kitchen on fire.

No, I mean before that.

Are you sure?

'cause I don't think ozone

has a smell.

Oh, yeah,

ozone has a smell.

Go sniff the back

of a fridge.

No, that's flarbocooluns.

That's like fcf -- fccs f's.

All right, forget that.

What's the name of that stuff

they make styrofoam cups out of?

Styrofoam.

Yeah.

Well, that has cf--

cfffcs.

Are you sure?

I thought that was

the plastic hamburger box

that had flarbocooluns

in it.

No, it's the hamburgers.

Are the french fries okay?

Are the french fries okay,

uncle red?

Yeah.

Yeah, they are, harold.

In fact, I think if you eat

enough french fries,

you actually produce ozone.

Are you sure?

Well, remember the smell

from the hair dryer?

Oh, yeah.

Red: You know, I, uh, think

we could retitle this segment

"kids, don't try this at home."

bill brought us, as you can see,

a snowblower,

and, uh...

You know, it's -- it's something

that's a valuable part

of our equipment list

up here at the lodge,

but it is a piece

of heavy equipment,

and you should respect it.

Uh, the snow goes in there --

bill's giving you

the demo here --

and it comes out here, you know.

I mean, that's clever, isn't it?

I mean,

what else would you assume?

And never put your hands

anywhere...

Well, like what I'm doing.

Never do that, all right,

for starters.

Speaking of starters, bill's

having a little problem there.

Mr. Expert doesn't know you got

to turn the thing on first.

Yeah, yeah,

I'll drink to that, bill.

Anyway, up she goes, and we just

wanted to show you --

actually, bill has

some interesting ideas,

how you can adapt a snowblower

to, you know, really help you

as a tool.

And this is kind of interesting.

I think it's just unfortunate

that we picked garbage day

as the day to try and do this.

And if bill was paying

a little more attention,

that wouldn't have hurt,

either, you know.

But, uh...

Well, they are

a powerful machine.

I got a hint of

what we'd had for dinner

the last couple of weeks

at the lodge.

I-I think that pork

was undercooked.

But on we go, anyway.

What bill really wanted

to show you here was --

this is something kind of

interesting that he thought up.

I didn't completely understand

it at first

because I just saw him tying

the rope onto the snowblower,

and I really was a little bit,

uh --

well, you can see there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he tied the other end

of the rope to a tree.

And you know what he's got

in mind here

is I think this is something

that he may have seen

in a cartoon,

you know,

which he goes to regularly.

And the idea is you start

the snowblower up,

and it winds around the tree,

you see,

and it clears the whole area

without you actually having

to do any work, so...

Do you think that --

well, bill's a bit of a slow

learner, you know, with this --

there we go.

All right. [ clears throat ]

so, anyway, he gets it going,

and the wheels

are turning there around,

and we engage the thrower,

and then what happens

is it's supposed to be winding

around the tree.

And, of course,

every time it goes around,

the rope winds around the tree,

and -- and -- and -- and --

and -- and --

and brings it in

a little bit closer, you see?

Now, our problem was

the knot was just slipping

around the tree,

so what was happening

was the snowblower

wasn't --

wasn't coming any closer.

It just kept going over and over

the same circle.

So bill figured

if he gave it a tug

and tightened the knot

a little tighter...

I guess I should have paid more

attention to what was happening.

He kind of turned it,

and it kind of was --

well, you -- well...

[ clears throat ]

now, this is --

this is real dangerous, I think.

I don't think it's just me,

you know?

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, bill, that's --

that's bill's underwear.

I don't know --

oh.

Snowy wear in there.

What some guys will do to

increase their sperm count.

"it is winter.

"the joints stiffen

as the cold sets in.

"the north wind blows

ice pellets into your eyes.

"you wonder at its brutality

and pointlessness.

Then your mind turns to hockey."

[ clears throat ]

this is the point

in the show

where we give harold a chance

to say what's on his mind.

We got to do something

to kill the time.

Go ahead.

Okay. Ha!

Bullies, okay?

All right, well, you know

who I'm talking about --

those people who beat you up

on the way to school

and the supermarket and church.

Well, I don't think anybody

has the right

to use physical violence

on another human being.

Well, all right, unless,

of course, like, you're batman

or the police or something.

And I don't mind being attacked

verbally.

That's okay.

You know, I really am getting

used to that.

But I got a walkman, so I don't

even notice much anymore.

[ laughs ]

but when it resorts to fists,

I just have to stop and say,

"enough!"

but usually that doesn't help,

either.

[ chuckles ]

you know, okay, all right, yes.

When I get punched

by some moron,

I can resort to, like,

immature tactics, as well,

like punch him back

or something,

or I could be mature about it

and crumble into a moaning heap.

And then I go home,

and I plot against them,

like ordering 80 pizzas

to their house.

[ laughs ]

see, you have to do that.

You have to use your brains,

or otherwise,

you've sunk to their level.

And they're gonna win 'cause

they got huge, ham-shaped fists.

[ laughs ]

but those hands

are no match for this --

head lice.

We have lots more coming up

for you,

not just

the haircutting story.

Oh, thank god.

[ horn honking ]

uh, we're up here

at jimmy mcveigh's house.

Jimmy's not home from work yet.

Guess they had a heavy day

at the post office.

Wanted to come up here

and see how jimmy's doing

with this old wooden boat

he's fixing up.

Oh, here comes jimmy now.

How'd she go today, jim?

Oh, geez,

what a bloody day!

What happened?

The bloody bag weighs tons!

Can you imagine

all the bloody letters

that they have us taking around

this country?

Well, yeah, but, jim,

you're a letter carrier.

It's not the letters, you know.

It's the magazines.

The damn magazines

must weigh 60 pounds.

I mean, can you imagine swinging

a bag like that on your shoulder

while you're

climbing a fence

with a pit bull tearing the arse

of your trousers?

That is what I call

stress in the workplace.

Absolutely.

But, jim,

don't worry about that now.

You can think about

your boat.

Oh, my god, red,

you're right.

Look at that.

Isn't she a beauty?

Well, she will be someday,

maybe.

I mean, look at the lines!

Look at the craftsmanship!

[ inhales deeply ]

I can nearly smell the sea.

Can't you?

Yeah, it smells like

a big mushroom, really, jim.

That's really beautiful.

You'll never see

a fiberglass boat

looking like that,

will you?

No, that's for sure.

How long -- how long have

you been working on her, jim?

Well, you know,

not that long.

No, no,

about 6 1/2 years or so.

Mind you, I do take

a weekend off once a year

just to go

to the boat show.

Oh, and then, of course, you got

to spend time with the missus.

No, I do not.

Oh?

No,

she's bloody well gone.

Oh, my god.

She's away.

She's left.

She left you?

She did.

She done a bunk.

It was a surprise to me,

too.

No kidding.

I went into the house there

just to get a coat hanger,

you know, to make a hose clamp

for the engine,

and to my amazement, I noticed

all her clothes were gone.

No note or nothing.

Now, there is what you call

loving support, isn't it?

Well, I think you're kind of

to blame, too, jim.

I mean,

you've got to spend

some time

with the little lady, you know?

It's not like I didn't spend

some time with her.

Man, dear, I mean, I had her up

in that boat once

to help me

lift the engine out.

Oh, yeah.

She was bloody useless.

Well,

it's too bad anyway.

It is.

It's a shame.

It is. It's a shame.

It's a tragedy.

I mean, I could have had that

boat in the bloody water by now.

Well,

the, uh, haircutting adventure

kind of eventually

worked itself out.

He got a little bit better

at it, anyway.

I mean, the injury rate

certainly went down

when he stopped doing the sides

and the back

and just concentrated on --

on doing the tops of the head.

Probably the worst job moose did

was when he cut his own hair.

You know, he set up

a bunch of mirrors,

and he had the razor

and some barbecue tongs there.

You know, I never knew

that moose's scalp was pink.

But, uh, we learned something,

though.

You know, we learned

that everything has its place.

Mine is here,

harold's is over there,

and moose's barber kit

is at the bottom of the lake.

So, anyway,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home,

and I'm fine,

but I'll be wearing my hat

for the next six weeks or so.

So, anyway,

thanks for watching the show,

and on behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang

here at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.