Big Guy Little Guy

Red tries to resist Harold's persuasion of him to join a "big guy little guy" club... until he learns that it will include a soapbox derby. So Harold tries to find Red a kid to partner with Red for the race.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Adventures With Bill, Red's Advice To Teenagers

DVD: The Red Green Show – 1997 Season

Transcript
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, here's the man who is a legume in his own time, your host, your hero, but my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks into the lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: {waving the cheering down} All right. All right. Yeah, thank you very much. Appreciate it. {rubs hands together} I was almost late for the show there today. {points thumb behind him} A bunch of kids are blocking the way up at Cardiac Hill.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, they– they were on the sidewalk, weren't they?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Yeah, but I was taking my shortcut, you know? {laughs; back to camera} Yeah, I figure, when I'm driving, everything between the fire hydrants is my territory, you know? {back to Harold} What the heck were those kids doing up there, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, th– those are the little guys! You know, from the "big guy little guy" club?

RED GREEN: Oh.

HAROLD GREEN: It's like where a man volunteers his time to be with a little boy who doesn't have a father available.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, right.

HAROLD GREEN: And I'm their secretary! {smiles} I've asked you to join a million times!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, no. I don't– I can't relate, Harold. I find– I find the young people want to do things fast and often. That's not really my style.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, really? When you think of it, you know, that's part of the challenge, actually, you know? To find common interests and activities to share with a young boy? Yeah! {Red waves dismissively} Well, that's why we're having the soapbox derby.

RED GREEN: {suddenly brightening up} Soapbox derby? Oh, I love that. I love the soapbox derby.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, well, if you were to become a big guy and we found you a little guy, you can be in the derby!

RED GREEN: Well, I don't want to make a big commitment. Maybe I can be a 24-hour big guy.

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} Okay, but I'd have to run your name through a computer.

RED GREEN: How come?

HAROLD GREEN: To find if you've ever been in trouble with the police.

RED GREEN: {suddenly angry} Well, if you're gonna nitpick...! {turns and storms out the lodge door}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a scene in the lodge: Red is holding up a trophy while Harold stumbles around, covered bike pieces. Red waves dismissively.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few scenes from this week's show.

{Cut to Red at Sparky Hoover's radio tower.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We got the usual stuff. Got a new guy there! New guy for you to meet. And of course, you got the...

''{Cut to a butterfly perched on the ball hitch of the Possum Van. Bill brings a butterfly net down on it. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera, but the van then pulls away, with the net still on the hitch and dragging Bill along with it.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...Adventure film. That's usual, and, uh... Oh, don't worry. We're still spinning our wheels here.

{Cut to a car slightly tipped up and its back wheels spinning futilely as Red tries to drive it away.}

Plot Segment 2
''{Harold is looking at a very long strip of paper. Red enters the lodge.}''

RED GREEN: Well, they're getting Cardiac Hill all set for the soapbox derby and everything. They got the bales of straw running down the sides, they got the skin graft unit down at the finish line. {chuckles; looks toward Harold} Well, I see you got the results of your urine test.

HAROLD GREEN: No. {tries to fold up paper} No. This is– This is a list of your, uh, your community infractions. Haw! Very impressive! Oh, yes, indeedy-doody! {folds paper up somewhat and shows it to Red} Look at that, look at that! We got, uh, air pollution, noise pollution, {folds paper over} littering, {folds paper over again} property damage!

RED GREEN: That's not too bad, Harold, there's no fatalities there.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, just one, Mother Nature.

RED GREEN: Why would you care? She's no friend of yours.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} You better be start being nice to me, you know, 'cause I was considering bending the rules to let you in the big guy little guy club. {folds paper in half}

RED GREEN: Yeah, but Harold, I only wanna join if I can get into the soapbox derby, you know.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I know, I know, I know!

RED GREEN: Yeah. All right.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, but we gotta do the pledge.

RED GREEN: Okay.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right.

HAROLD GREEN: {tucks paper behind one suspender} So, okay, put one hand over your heart... {puts his right over his heart; Red does the same with his left} ...and the other one on your wallet... {both place their free hands to their sides} Yeah. And then repeat after me, okay? "I promise to be a big guy to a little guy until the little guy becomes a big guy."

RED GREEN: Alright, I– I promise to be a big guy to a little guy until the end of the race.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, yeah, okay, close enough. Okay. Oh, also– also– also– also– also, there's the club song. You have to do the club song.

RED GREEN: Song?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, it goes– it's like this, you just gotta do this, you gotta go, 'kay... {dancing wildly and rapping} B-B-B-Big guy! B-B-B-Big guy! Look it, don't cry, little guy! I'll be your big, big, big, big, big guy! {crosses his arms in front of him} Okay. Yeah. So, now you go. {pointing to Red} Say it, go! {raps} B-B-B-Big guy!

RED GREEN: Buh-buh-buh-buh?

HAROLD GREEN: {raps and dances} B-B-B-Big guy!

RED GREEN: {trying to rap and dance} B-B-B-Big guy!

HAROLD GREEN: Don't cry, little guy!

RED GREEN: Don't cry...

HAROLD GREEN: I'll be your– I'll be...

RED GREEN: I'll be your– I'll be...

HAROLD GREEN: I'll be your– Not you, me. I'll be–

RED GREEN: I'll be your big guy...

HAROLD GREEN: {raises his arms in the air} Big guy... Big guy...

RED GREEN: Big guy... until–

HAROLD GREEN: {lowers his arms} Little guy...

RED GREEN: {lowers his arms} Little guy...

HAROLD GREEN: {raising his arms up and down} I'll be a big guy, little guy...

RED GREEN: {trying to follow Harold's lead} I'll be a big guy–

HAROLD GREEN: {points to himself} My guy...

RED GREEN: {points to himself} My guy...

HAROLD GREEN: {crosses his arms in front of him} Yo.

RED GREEN: {crosses his arms in front of him} Yo.

''{They both cross their arms in front of them again. The audience applauds.}''

RED GREEN: Was that good enough?

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, I just made the song up. {laughs}

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, my Uncle Joe was a handsome man,
 * With his icy cold blue eyes.
 * But the thing that made him different,
 * My Uncle Joe was covered with flies.
 * Oh, Uncle Joe had lots of flies,
 * Zooming 'round his head.
 * I've seen other things with more flies on 'em,
 * But most of them were dead.
 * Oh, Uncle Joe was a wild, wild man.
 * He'd drink homemade beer by the dozen.
 * Does he act that way because of the flies,
 * Or is it Uncle Joe the one with the buzz on?

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Okie-dokie-doo! {pull back to reveal Red and Mike sitting at the card table} Welcome back to the Possum Lodge Word Game, and this week, Mr. Mike Hamar is playing for a fabulous prize: an entire car alarm system brought to you by the people of Car-Safe!

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, I know those! Those are good ones!

HAROLD GREEN: Remember, Car-Safe stops thieves cold!

MIKE HAMAR: Unless you got a hairpin and a bent knife.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, fine. Uncle Red, you got thirty seconds to get Mike Hamar to say this word...

{Mike covers his eyes as well as his ears while Harold holds up the word sign to show the audience.}

HAROLD GREEN: {saying word on sign} Purchase. Purchase.

RED GREEN: {waving impatiently} All right, all right.

''{Harold sets the sign down on the table and moves a bell in front of Red. Mike removes his hands from his head.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Thirty seconds, and go!

RED GREEN: Alright, Mike, you go into a store, you see something you want and you need, so you...

MIKE HAMAR: Steal?

RED GREEN: Nope.

MIKE HAMAR: Swipe?

RED GREEN: No.

MIKE HAMAR: Grab?

RED GREEN: No.

MIKE HAMAR: Snatch?

RED GREEN: No.

MIKE HAMAR: Boost?

RED GREEN: No!

MIKE HAMAR: Pawn?

RED GREEN: No!

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, holster?

RED GREEN: Mike! Mike, Mike! Okay, for starters, you have money to pay for this thing.

MIKE HAMAR: Ohhh, oh! {laughs} Ohhh!

RED GREEN: Okay!

MIKE HAMAR: Right!

RED GREEN: Different story, right? So you go into a store and you...

MIKE HAMAR: ...rip off?

RED GREEN: No!

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, pilfer?

RED GREEN: No!

MIKE HAMAR: Filch?

RED GREEN: Mike! Are you not getting this? All right, think of it this way: you have a wallet in your pocket, okay? That wallet is full of money. That wallet is full of credit cards. So you go right up to the counter, and you... {Mike hangs his head guiltily} Mike, you go right up there. {Mike digs into his pants pocket and pulls out a wallet} What you do is you take it and you...

MIKE HAMAR: {holds out wallet to Red} Return it?

''{Red takes the wallet. He suddenly looks into his own pants pocket and sees nothing. He then opens up the wallet and looks into it. The audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Wait a minute, wait a minute! This is fifty bucks short!

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, I had to make a few purchases.

{Harold suddenly rings the bell on the bell, ending the game, while Red still looks into his wallet.}

HAROLD GREEN: The winner! {reaches hand out to Mike} Congratulations! Marvelous! {Mike shakes his hand} Way to go!

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Want to talk to you older guys about something that women do better than us, other than shave their legs, and that is talk. You know, when a guy gets mad, his vocabulary will shift down to the four-letter words: dang, shucks, gosh. You know, and it's even worse when kids aren't around. But when a woman gets ticked off, she comes up with expressions and phrases that would put Shakespeare to shame. Now, scientists tell us that women actually have more space in their brain for verbal skills. But guys, I got the great equalizer, two words that will stop any argument cold in its tracks: "Yes, dear". Oh, yeah, she says a sentence that kinda goes up at the end, two out of three times, "Yes, dear" is the perfect answer. Or you get a long pause... {pauses} in a conversation, you just drop "Yes, dear" right in there. But listen, never use "Yes, dear" if her sentence starts, "You know what your problem is?". {points at camera deliberately} Now, I know some guys prefer total silence as a response, but I don't recommend it, because to have total silence, you have to be all alone, and that's exactly what happens. So "Yes, dear" is bad enough in person. It's much worse over the phone and a lot more expensive through your lawyer. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Red's Advice To Teenagers
''{Red is outside the lodge, wearing a yellow slicker. He bends over a snowplow blade attached to a pickup truck in an open garage.}''

RED GREEN: {standing upright} I want to talk to you teenagers who've played the video games and the computer games, because you may be ready for the ultimate 3D experience. {holds up his arms} It's called reality. Huh? Reality comes with its own hardware. {taps pickup truck hood} And software. {taps snowplow; starts walking} And it's fully compatible with you. {wipes hands together; walks into garage} Now, see, the idea of the game is, {shakes hands around} you work yourself around this place called Earth, hoping that you don't screw up so bad that you embarrass yourself or your friends. Take it from me, it's a lot harder than it sounds. {looks at a green riding mower in garage} Anyway, I thought I'd give you a few tips, maybe help you get to the advanced levels, all right? {walks on} You know all those video characters in the video games, when they get blown to bits, they just kinda bounce right back? {holds up index finger} You don't want to be trying that in reality. {nods} Makes for a short game. {walks up to another snowplow blade attached to another pickup truck} And you know on the video games there, it's easy to recognize the bad guys? {picks up a crowbar} Well, see, now, in reality, sometimes, the bad guys are good and the good guys are bad. So don't be shooting, stabbing or laser-blasting anybody, because you might need their help before the game's over. And of course, now, you can– you can save the video games, can't ya? Try again. Reality doesn't have a save button. Although it does have a little wrinkle called consequences. {walks back over to first snowplow} Reality's a good game. You might want to try it sometime, {bends down in front of snowplow blade} but let me warn ya: it's expensive. {places crowbar over blade}

Real-World References

 * The big guy little guy club that Red tries to enter may be a reference to a real-live similar clubs, such as Big Brothers Big Sisters.