Red and Breakfast/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Everybody loves those

big screen tvs, don't they?

Well, I mean everybody who

prefers sports to, say,

conversation.

The problem is they're

so darned expensive.

What if I could show you

that you could have

a big screen tv

for under $10.00?

Like, say, $9.95.

That's how much it costs for

a set of these castors.

Now you just jam these babies

into the bottom of your

favourite chair.

Might want to put a little

grease on there first,

because if they

squeak at all,

your mother's going to force

you to take a little

castor oil.

Now, you may be sitting

there thinking,

how does a set of castors

get me a big screen tv?

Well, that tells me I have

two things that you

don't have...

Imagination...

And a crooked floor.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate that.

Big, big changes up

at the lodge this week.

You probably noticed how neat

and tidy everything is.

That's because we're not

just a lodge any more.

Harold's also trying to turn

us into a bed and breakfast.

He's calling it the sleepy

possum bed and breakfast.

I don't think

it's gonna work.

I would be very wary

of eating breakfast

at any place that had the

word possum in the name.

[ bell ringing ]

oh, front, front.

Our first guest

has arrived.

Why are you telling

me, harold?

I'm not your front man.

C'mon, uncle red.

If this is

going to work,

we need to have

professional service.

You need to have

professional help.

We don't know anything

about running a bed

and breakfast.

It's easy.

You just have

to like people.

Oh, great.

It's okay. It's okay.

We're going to practice.

I've got

a guinea pig.

Our first guest is

going to be à la maison.

Al who?

A la maison --

mais --

he's staying for free.

Oh, mike.

Bonjour, monsieur.

And welcome to the

possum bed and breakfast.

Your room awaits.

What a dump!

Get my bag!

Oh, boy,

get his bag!

His bag,

get his bag.

His bag.

Okay,

I'll get it.

It's time for

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner receives an

assortment of loose change

from mcginty's

trampoline park

where everything bounces,

including the cheques.

Okay, cover your

thingies, winston.

Okay, mr. Green,

you've got 30 seconds

to get winston to say

this word...

All right, mike.

And... Go!

Okay, winston,

this is something

that you go on,

on a Saturday night.

A pump-out.

Okay, no, this is

when you go out

and you're dressed up,

maybe take some flowers.

Funeral?

No. Okay, no.

If a woman agreed

to go out with you,

that would be

called a...

Miracle.

I know!

You've got a

calendar in your shop.

What's on it?

A picture

of mike's mom.

Almost out of time,

mr. Green.

Okay, winston,

today is the sixth.

You could also

the sixth is...

Oh, my anniversary!

Yeah, it was 12 years ago

today I got my septic truck.

It was a date

with destiny.

There we go!

[ ♪ ]

today on talking

animals,

local animal control

officer, ed frid,

has brought in a

surprise animal for us.

C'mon up here, ed.

Come on. Come on.

Well, okay.

That's right.

What we have here

is the single most

dangerous animal

in the world.

Wow!

Kind of a small

cage, isn't it?

Is this thing any more

dangerous than a crocodile?

Oh, yeah.

More dangerous

than a cobra?

Yeah, I know all

the animals, red.

I don't just make

arbitrary choices

and try to back them up with

outrageous claims, you know?

No. I'm not

saying that --

why don't you try

being an animal

control officer

before you start shooting

off your mouth, huh?

Yeah, maybe after you've

been mauled by a puma.

You ever been

mauled by a puma?

That's not the

point, red!

The point is, at any time,

I could be

mauled by a puma

and dragged

into its cave.

Well, we all

have problems.

I often get dragged

into a mall.

Jokes don't work

in the animal

kingdom, red.

Okay, fine.

Well, why don't you

just show us whatever

you've got here.

Okay, well, that's

what I'm trying to do.

I didn't drag this

dangerous animal

all the way over here

to not show it to you.

So stand back

and, you know, don't

make any sudden moves.

Look out!

Ed, that's a

hamster.

Oh, I know.

You're saying hamsters

are dangerous?

Other animals pick

them up and throw

them at you?

You know,

when I was a child,

I had a hamster.

Mister winklebottom

was very cute.

Okay. I see.

You blame your hamster

for you becoming an

animal control officer.

And isn't it

nice for you

to be able to

put everyone's life

into a nice, neat

little compartment

like that, huh?

So you blame your

hamster for you

becoming an --

okay. Yes. Yes.

Yes! Yes!

And parents, don't get

your children hamsters.

Get them an education.

Get them

an office job.

Get them

a therapist.

Don't you just hate

getting speeding

tickets?

They cost you money.

Makes you late for wherever

it was you were going.

That makes you

speed even more.

Then they nail you again,

and the fines go

higher and higher.

Finally, you lose

your license

and end up spending

30 days in the slammer.

You know, it's almost

enough to make you

want to slow down.

So I got a better idea.

You can get a way

with speeding

as long as the guy in front

of you is also speeding.

Speeding is the exact opposite

of a wedding night...

You don't want

to be first.

So what you want to do

is get yourself a bunch of

large cardboard boxes,

maybe from a refrigerator

or a thigh-master

or whatever.

Make yourself a fake

car out of it, huh?

Then you can paint it

any colour you want

and then hold it together

with the handyman's

secret weapon,

which also doubles

as chrome.

And gear the

type of car

to your personal

artistic ability...

If you're useless,

make it a russian car;

if you're good,

make it a french car.

The car won't run,

so actually british

is a perfect choice.

Now, this may not look

like a car to you and I,

but luckily, we only

have to fool the cops.

Besides, the car

will be speeding,

so it's going to be

hard to tell.

And the way we're

going to make it speed

is by sitting it on

top of this platform

that I got hooked up on

top of the possum van.

So the car'll be going the

same speed that I do, see?

Only it'll be the

one that gets pulled over.

Okay, now,

the pulling over part,

that's a little tricky.

I got this pushbar secured

to the one end there

so it will pivot

and push the car off.

And this latch holds

it back like a gate

until the time comes.

I just got to decide

what size spring to use

that'll have enough jam to

push the car off there,

but not send her into

the next county.

Now, I'm sure there's a

mathematical formula

for figuring that out,

but I prefer

trial and error.

It's quicker,

it's more fun,

and it's really

one of the upsides

of having

socialized medicine.

Okay, I've decided

to go with

the medium sized

coil spring there.

I've also set

here now though.

And I control

the pushbar

with this high-tech

latch release, eh?

Now when I come

speeding over the hill,

the cops'll wave

the car over.

All's I do is

pull on the string.

They get a load

of cardboard,

and I get out of dodge.

This may be my

smartest idea yet.

Or maybe it's just

too close to call.

Tailgating.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ ♪ ]

I needed something from the

hardware store the other day,

so I asked my wife

if she'd like me

to pick up anything

for her while I was out.

She said,

oh, no, no, no.

I'll go with you.

Okay.

So the next

thing you know,

we're well in to

our second hour

at the mall,

looking for shoes.

Now, there was a

time in our marriage

when I would've

said something negative

about how a man who

only needs drywall screws

ends up giving opinions on

20 or 30 pairs

of sling-back pumps

that all pretty much look

identical to him.

Well, I don't do

that anymore.

No, I just followed

along quietly,

thinking what

a great guy I am

to be shopping

with my wife

and not even

complaining about it.

But apparently

I was wrong.

She took me aside

by the wienie wagon

and pointed out

that my attitude

was destroying the entire

shopping experience.

She said, this is supposed

to be fun, isn't it?

And I nodded instead

of telling the truth.

And then it

hit me, okay.

When you have

a life partner,

it's not enough

to do things with them.

You have to want

to do things with them.

Otherwise it's just

not gonna work.

So it's not enough that

I go shopping with my wife;

I have to want

to shopping with my wife.

I understand that now,

and that's why I signed up

for acting lessons.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

when septics go bad,

it's nobody's fault.

It just means your sewage

has come to a halt.

Call rothschild's.

We'll give it

our full-scale assault.

And unlock the treasure that's

trapped in your vault.

Well, the bed and breakfast

isn't working out so good.

I think harold

may have bitten off

more than he can chew,

even with those teeth.

Uncle red!

Uncle red!

I've gotta go

back into town

and get some more

groceries for mike.

You'd think a guy

who eats his meals

off a tin tray

wouldn't be so

demanding.

Am I supposed

to look after mike

while you're gone?

I'll just be

a few minutes.

I gave him the bell to ring

in case he wants anything.

But I don't think

he'll bother you.

[ bell ringing ]

bye.

Oh, thank you,

harold.

Didn't you hear

me tinkling?

[ laughter ]

I try not to

listen, mike.

What kind of an

establishment is

this anyway?

I thought this was

a four-star hotel.

If you don't get

a longer bath robe,

it'll be four

stars and a moon.

I expect

excellent service,

and I'm gonna stay

here till I get it.

[ bell ringing ]

no! No!

Give me the bell!

Stop being

a dink.

Ah, geez.

It's for your own good.

I mean, this is

an experiment

to see if you've

got what it takes.

And if I enjoy

the experience,

I will inform my friends.

Your friends?

This is a

bed and breakfast,

not a halfway house.

Well, what about harold?

I mean, he's put

his heart and soul

into making this

bed and breakfast work.

At least we should

give a try for him,

don't you think?

Yeah, all right.

But it's a bed

and breakfast, okay?

You go back to bed,

and I'll go make

some breakfast.

Can I have

the bell?

Do you promise

not to ring it?

I swear.

Okay.

You're not

gonna ring it?

Nope.

You better

not ring it.

Better not.

I won't.

I won't.

He's right, you know?

Red (voiceover):

You youngsters might

wanna watch this because --

stay away if you see your

dad working on something.

Like I say, walter should

stand off to the side.

But instead --

I was adjusting the choke,

he's gotta get

right down.

And here, again,

you wanna stay back.

So then he gets the idea

maybe he'll pull start it.

Might be a little safer.

Walter's got

the big muscles.

Maybe too many muscles.

Okay, that's not

really helping.

Don't worry.

We've still got the cord.

I'm thinking

another way to go,

rather than pulling

the lawn mower by hand,

is if we could extend

the starter cord

and then attach it to

a bucket full of bricks.

And we live on the edge

of the escarpment there.

That would give her

a good jolt there.

Yeah. Just --

okay, I'm all set.

Yeah, fire her over.

Fire her over.

That should

start her up.

But apparently didn't

have my foot, uh,

held down strong

enough onto the mower,

and then, oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Okay.

Walter, grab the --

grab the lawn mower!

Grab it! Grab it!

Okay, so --

okay. Okay.

We'll try something else.

Walter's up in

the tree with the mower.

Grab the handle

and drop the mower,

and maybe the gravity

will help us that way.

And there she goes!

Uh-oh!

Oh! Oh!

All right. All right.

Yeah, but you know what?

The end justifies the means.

The lawn mower's running,

and boy, it's a little bit

cooler in my hat.

All right, I'll go

fix my hat,

and walter, why don't

you go cut the lawn?

Away you go.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

no, not quite ready

for you yet.

Just go up to the

end of the lake there

and come back.

Just go one time.

Okay? Good.

You know,

if there's one thing

middle aged guys don't do

as quickly as we used to,

it's none of

your business.

But if there's

two things,

the other one is running.

Now, I'm not

a jogger myself,

but if I was,

I'd be looking for some

excuse to run slower.

Oh, no, no, not yet.

Just give me one more.

One more, walter.

Yeah. That'd be great.

That'd be great.

Super. Super. Good.

Okay, uh, these

are ankle weights.

See, when you

have these on,

nobody expects

you to go fast.

The problem with weights is

they tend to have...

Weight.

So what I've done is

I took some of these

kids' water wings,

I blew them up,

and then what I did,

I covered them

with duct tape.

Okay, this is perfect.

Perfect timing, walter.

Great.

Working out great.

Walter's gonna demonstrate

how great this is.

I mean, look at

these babies, eh!

They look like they weigh

about 50 pounds each,

when in fact they're

lighter than air.

Well, no, okay, they're

not lighter than air.

They are air.

I mean, let's not make a

big deal out of it, okay?

It's just an expression

for crying out loud.

Okay, walter,

come on.

Away you go now.

That's great.

Away you go.

Take it easy.

You know, with ankle

weights that size,

you have permission to go

as slow as you want.

Just another

brilliant concept --

[ walter yells,

water splashes ]

oh, man.

[ applause ]

uncle red, we're at the

critical point of our project.

Whether we're going to be a

successful bed and breakfast

comes down to one thing,

and one thing only...

The breakfast.

Are you ready to give

it your best shot?

Well, I'm ready to give

somebody my best shot, harold.

Bonjour!

Bonjour!

Oh, don't you look striking

in that outfit, sir?

Might I ask,

is that a ralph lauren?

Uh, no, it's

a leavenworth.

Very well.

Your seat, sir.

Could I interest

you in a drink?

Freshly squeezed

grapefruit juice.

Oh, excellent choice, sir.

Florida bib ball

and drain 'em!

Grapefruit juice.

Oh. Oh.

There's a seed

in my juice.

There is a seed

in monsieur's juice.

Terribly sorry.

It's never happened before.

Thank you.

I will have the scrambled

eggs on the toast.

Excellent!

Adam and eve on

a raft and wreck 'em!

And I'll have a

low-fat soy cappuccino

with artificial sweetener.

Low-fat soy cap.

Art. Sweet!

Go nuts.

Is something

wrong, sir?

Do you want me

to eat that?

No.

I do.

No! No! No!

No, forget this whole

bed and breakfast project.

I'm cancelling

the whole thing.

Uncle red, you don't

have what it takes for

customer service.

You know, harold,

that may be the

nicest thing

you've ever

said to me.

Well, that's all

very well and good,

but I still think I

should get my money back.

I agree.

He didn't pay

anything!

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you guys go ahead.

I'll be down in a minute.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

I'd much rather be at

your bed and breakfast.

Nobody can compete with your

hospitality and prices,

and that's just

the bed part.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of harold and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

all right, everyone.

Sit down. Have a seat.

Everyone sit down.

Come on, take a seat.

There we go.

Everyone sit.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

All right, men,

the sleepy possum

bed and breakfast

experiment is over.

From now on, if you wanna

have bed and breakfast

with a stranger

steal a car.

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