The Strange Ranger

Ranger Gord has suddenly turned up missing from his fire watchtower, and Red and his pals are on the search.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Tricks of the Trade, Adventures With Bill, Red's Advice To Teenagers, The Experts

DVD: The Red Green Show – 1997 Season

Transcript
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, here's the man who pushes the envelope, which is actually a fishing pole that hasn't descended anywhere, your host, your hero, my uncle, Red Green!

''{Red enters the lodge, holding some rope, a flashlight and an air horn. He waves as the audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: All right! By gosh, eh? I got a group here tonight! Well, unfortunately, we got an emergency up at the lodge here this week. One of the lodge members is missing, vanished without a trace, and he's not even married. So that can only mean one thing...

HAROLD GREEN: Alien abduction?

RED GREEN: Oh, no, Harold, no, no. See, if aliens ever come here, you'll be the first one they'll grab.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Cool! {gives two thumbs-up}

RED GREEN: Aw, man. I got fear foul play going on here, because this man hasn't moved more than twenty feet in the last 18 years.

HAROLD GREEN: Not Old Man Sedgewick?

RED GREEN: No, not Old Man Sedgewick is right.

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly} MELVIN DUFFY! Melvin Duffy, right?

RED GREEN: Harold, Melvin Duffy is dead.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you didn't say why he hadn't moved.

RED GREEN: {shakes his head} It's Ranger Gord! Ranger Gord is missing from his tower! We're gonna go look for him as soon as we get the 4x4s all gassed up.

HAROLD GREEN: Everything you guys do is all gassed up. {Red stares} You should be looking for him on foot!

RED GREEN: Oh, where's the fun in that, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: You're searching for somebody; it's not supposed to be fun!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah? Then how come they call it a search party?

{Red turns to leave.}

Title sequence
{The New Red Green Show'' intro plays. Cut to a scene of Red standing amid a pile of various household objects. They are all piled on top of each other haphazardly. They then fall on the ground, clattering and crashing.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} These are...

''{Cut to a shot of Bill looking through a magnifying glass, while Red stands behind him. Bill is looking at a rock. A hot light created by the glass shines on Bill's shoe, which starts to smoke.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...all scenes from this episode of our show. We even got a special surprise for you, a kind of a secret thing going on here.

''{Cut to Red and Harold in the lodge. Standing between them is Ranger Gord, in the Lodge for the very first time. He holds out his arms to Red and Harold and brings them closer to him.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I think you're gonna be really– Oh, my gosh! No, no, don't show them that! Don't let them– We blew it.

Plot Segment 2
''{Red enters the lodge, the front door to which has smoke and dust wafting through it. The sounds of loud engines is heard.}''

RED GREEN: {shouting over the noise} Okay, Harold, I spoke–

{Red suddenly stops and goes back over to the front door and opens it.}

RED GREEN: {making cutting motions with his hand across his throat} Hey, guys? Guys?

''{The noise dies down and Red closes the door. Red then walks back over to Harold.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, Harold, I spoke to all the guys and they're going to let you join the search party, but you can't keep yelling, "Slow down!" And if you fall off the roof-rack, we're not going back for you.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, that sounds fair. I'm in.

RED GREEN: Boy! {rubs his chin} I can't believe Ranger Gord is missing. I went up there, up to the Fire Watchtower 13, and the whole deal had fallen over! It looked like beavers had kinda gnawed on the front legs there, and the whole thing collapsed, and Ranger Gord's gone. Everything's gone: his clothes, his stamp collection, his 8-tracks, the lava lamp, even the disco belt, so this is serious!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no! Uncle Red, oh!

RED GREEN: Yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, I don't– You know– This is gonna be scary even to say, but what if – Haw! – you know, you– {Red nods} I mean, I hate to even think about it, but what if, you know, what happens if–

RED GREEN: {still nodding} Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, the worst-case scenario is that–

RED GREEN: He comes back to the lodge?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah!

RED GREEN: Don't even think about it!

HAROLD GREEN: I know!

RED GREEN: Don't even think about it!

{Red turns and leaves, Harold following.}

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, life is full of mysteries,
 * Things that bother you and me,
 * Like, how come everyone else is overpaid.
 * But the biggest mystery of mice and men
 * That comes up in conversation again and again and again
 * Is, how in the holy blazes are sausages made.
 * Well, they take a little of this and a bit of that,
 * Ground-up hooves and lots of fat,
 * Hide and hair and bone and bark and twig,
 * Veins and arteries, gristles and grit,
 * And they grind it up fine so that it will all fit
 * Crammed up into the exit ramp of a pig.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Possum Lodge Word Game! And this week's grand prize is a hundred assorted treetops from Buzz Sherwood's helicopter rides!

{The camera pans out to reveal Red and Dougie sitting at the card table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Dougie Franklin to say this word...

''{Dougie covers his ears. Harold pulls out the word sign and shows it to the audience.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Love. Love.

RED GREEN: Yeah, alright.

{Harold sets the sign down.}

HAROLD GREEN: Go, love!

{Dougie stares at Harold for a few seconds and then uncovers his ears.}

RED GREEN: Okay. Alright, when there's someone you can't live without, that's...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: ...a kidney donor.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no. This is what a man and a woman feel between each other.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Gear shift?

RED GREEN: Okay, okay. When a couple kiss and cuddle, okay, they're in...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: ...the back seat.

RED GREEN: No. Um... Passion!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Monster truck!

RED GREEN: No, I mean, you know those romantic songs they have? They're always about...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: ...cars and surfing!

RED GREEN: Alright, alright, Dougie, your heart's pounding...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Okay.

RED GREEN: You're barely touching the ground...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Yeah, yeah?

RED GREEN: You're in...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: ...fourth gear!

RED GREEN: {pauses to think, then brightens up} No, no, okay.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Okay.

RED GREEN: You're with the one you dream about, you're everything, okay? You're in...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: ...my garage.

HAROLD GREEN: Almost out of time, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Aw, Dougie! There's more to life than cars and monster trucks!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Oh, you've never been in love, have you?

RED GREEN: There you go! {rapidly rings the bell to end the game}

Handyman Corner
''{The "Handyman Corner" sign is hanging off the back doors of the Possum Van. Red opens one of the doors from inside and climbs out.}''

RED GREEN: You know, it seems these days that more and more people are taking longer and longer vacations. {closes door; wipes hands together} That's because more and more people are getting the hoist out of their job there, y'know? So you want a holiday cheaply, but you want to go in style. Well, this week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna turn the Possum Van into a palace on wheels.

''{Red looks around in front of him. Scattered around in front of him are several household objects, including several lawn chairs, a bathtub, a refrigerator, a stove with an oven, a washer and a dryer. Red opens up his arms to show off everything.}''

RED GREEN: That's right, all this stuff is gonna go into the van there! We're gonna be traveling in style!

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is lining the inside of the van with carpeting.}''

RED GREEN: All right, we start by laying a remnant carpet in there. We got it from Stinky Peterson. Actually, he owed it to me since his dog was sick. Now, carpeting is something you might overlook, but you know what? The carpeting in there makes it look like your van was customized by a professional customizer, so think customizerly. All right, once you got your wheel-to-wheel carpeting in there, you want to toss in your very favorite recliner rocker. {bends down and lifts up a reclining chair, grunting with effort} You're gonna be pretty tired after a hard day of driving. {puts chair in van} You need something comfortable to sit on, huh? When you're on vacation, spoil yourself. If this recliner is rockin', don't bother knockin'. {chuckles} Or more likely, if it's reclinin', don't bother chimin'. {turns to refrigerator} All right, you're gonna need something to keep your food fresh and your beverages cold. You could buy one of them undersized, overpriced R.V. fridges, but I say why bother when you already own just like this?

''{Red pushes the fridge. It falls over and smashes a lawn chair in the process. Wipe to a later scene. Red pushes the fridge into the van on its side, straining with the effort. He then pushes the now-destroyed lawn chair off to the side with his foot.}''

RED GREEN: {slightly winded; panting} All right now, {points to the various household articles in the area} just add a bed, a microwave, entertainment center there, your clock radio, coupla gas lamps, picnic table, chemical toilet, you're in business.

''{Red takes a hold of the stove with a built-in oven and drags it towards the van. Wipe to a later scene. Red is standing under the household items, now all around him in a big pile, almost burying him under it. He holds some rope.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I'm thinking maybe we need to scale down or scale up or maybe even lose some weight here.

{Red pushes part of the pile, which suddenly collapses around him, crashing and clattering, startling Red.}

RED GREEN: Alright, time for a rethink.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red stands behind the closed Possum Van doors.}''

RED GREEN: Wait 'til you see how I got everything arranged in here. Well, you won't believe how I opened the space up, huh?

''{Red opens the doors and goes through them. The van inside now looks like a nice house.}''

RED GREEN: I never thought for a second that the Possum Van can turn into some– {turns left, walking further into van, looking like a living room, and up a flight of stairs} Oh, watch yourself on the running boards here. But you know, of course, the secret, y'know, when you're doing a project like this, is to place everything so that it uses the space economically, ergonomically and, uh, well, astronomically. {looks to a washing machine and dryer next to him as he goes past} Really, I got the washer here, and the dryer, I got the– the whole unit all... I don't care, it's just... it's unbelievable, isn't it, how much space we're getting out of the van. Yeah. {walks into van/house's kitchen} 'Course, the other thing is the Oriental art of the feng shui, I think, which is often good with the breaded chicken. And then with that, it creates the space, it gives you a flow of it. {looks toward kitchen sink} If you want to talk flow, how about... hot and cold running water and... {points to a tire sticking out of a cupboard} a spare tire right there, eh? I mean, is this cozy or what, eh? {walks off} You can live like a king and take it on the road with you. {walks back into living room} Imagine you're just sitting in here and driving all day long, huh? Now, that's a holiday, that's living.

{Red walks up to the van's steering wheel at one end of the room and sits down at it.}

RED GREEN: And of course, with this unit here, you got all the controls right at your fingertips, huh? {turns on wiper controls; wipers run across window} You got your wipers, you got defrost, {shows off air conditioner in corner} air conditioning, eh? So there you have it, the ultimate motor home. Why don't we take her for a lap around the block and see how she handles. So remember, {looks out window} if the women don't find you handsome...

{Cut to the outside of the Possum Van, with Red leaning his head out the window.}

RED GREEN: ...they should at least find you handy.

''{Red drives off. As it passes by the camera, it is revealed that its back doors are missing. The camera pans past the van and reveals the back doors mounted onto a newly-constructed door frame in front of the doorway to a real house. Suddenly, the camera quickly shifts back over to the back of the Possum Van, without its back doors, as it drives off.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I'm hoping to talk to you older guys about self-improvement. You know these self-help gurus trying to sell you their proven method of how you can be in perfect shape, or totally happy, or the big one: have money for retirement. {shakes head} Hey, don't listen to him. They all have the same basic secret: you gotta work hard. You don't wanna hear that! If you'd have worked hard in the first place, you wouldn't be buying their tapes now. You'd be rich and people'd be buying your tapes! You don't want a sensible plan. You want a shortcut. You don't need the Seven Habits of Effective People. You need the One Quick Cheat of Lazy Goof-offs. Yeah! Oh, yeah! I'll tell you what, you don't want advice. You want a miracle. And I'm guessing you can't buy a miracle from a smiling bald guy on an infomercial. So don't let him suck you in. When he talks about having money for retirement, he means having your money for his retirement! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{Harold stands inside the lodge, holding a walkie-talkie.}

HAROLD GREEN: {speaking into walkie-talkie} Search party, come in! This is Possum Base! Come in, search party! Any sign of Ranger Gord? Over.

''{Harold pushes a button on the walkie-talkie. Chatter is heard on it. Harold looks puzzled and looks around nervously. He tries to stick the walkie-talkie under his arm, but it doesn't silence it. He finally pushes the button again. The chatter stops. He looks toward the camera. The audience laughs.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {speaking into walkie-talkie} Roger. Over and out. {to audience} We're fine. We were just talking who's gonna drive the lead vehicle and stuff. Y'know, guy talk.

''{Harold's lips quiver. Suddenly, the door flies open and Red runs in.}''

RED GREEN: Rope, Harold! We need rope getting out of the gorge, and dynamite, too! {picks up some long yellow rope}

HAROLD GREEN: What, Ranger Gord fell in a gorge?!

RED GREEN: No, no, Buster Hadfield on his ATV. {drapes the rope over his shoulder} He was stupid, showing off with the blindfold. {Harold nods} And Stinky went to get him and they're both down there now.

HAROLD GREEN: Any sign of Ranger Gord?

RED GREEN: {looks up} Who? Oh. No, no, no, I'll tell ya, but if he's anywhere within twenty miles, he's gonna see the smoke.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, that's a good idea. They're using signal flares. {gives a thumbs-up}

RED GREEN: No, no, uh, Stinky's pickup had a touch of spontaneous combustion there, Harold. {shakes his head} Barbecue fell off his tailgate. Those idiots that design trucks and put the gas tank at the back! Y'know, Harold, you maybe wanna help us search here, too. {turns to leave, taking the rope with him}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, I think I'll just stay here and help direct ambulances.

{Red goes out the door, carrying the yellow rope with him.}

Tricks of the Trade
{Red stands in another area of the lodge, directly in front of the camera.}

RED GREEN: Well, here on "Tricks of the Trade", we usually have a guy who's been there, done that. This time, we have a guy who's been caught, done time. {nods} Here's Mike Hamar. Take her away, Mike.

''{Red steps aside. Mike walks up, takes his place and waves.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Thanks, Mr. Green. You know, when people find out I'm an ex-con, they, uh... they always ask me how to avoid gettin' mugged. Hey, I could use the cash; why should I tell you? {laughs and makes exaggerated motions with his body} Aw, gee. I love that type of humor. {gains control of himself} Okay, if you want to avoid getting mugged, the thing to do is stay away from muggers. {shrugs} No, seriously, look.

{Mike steps back several feet and the camera pulls back away from him several feet.}

MIKE HAMAR: If you're far away from a mugger, {makes mugging motions} he can't mug you, right? Right? Now, I don't know about the long arm of the law, {reaches his arm out} but a criminal's arm is only about yea long. {makes mugging motions again} See? Can't reach you. See? {camera pulls up closer to him again while he walks up close} Now, if you're really stupid enough to hang out with a bunch of muggers, you should learn this self-defense move.

''{Mike pulls into his pants pocket and pulls out his wallet. He holds it out in front of him.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Here, take it! {smiles} See? {audience applauds} That's it! You just remember– just remember those three little words, "Here, take it," and you hand over your wallet, and you'll be broke but healthy! {puts wallet back, then waves dismissively} Actually, you know, I wouldn't worry about it at all, because, y'know, the odds against gettin' mugged in a big city are about one in a thousand. So that's like 365 days in a year... {thinking} It, uh... between a thousand... you carry... Well, it works out to be three years, right? So, one day out of every three years, stay home! You'll be fine.

Plot Segment 4
''{Red and Harold enter the lodge, both looking dirty and smoking. Harold wears a shredded life jacket and holding a broken pole. The audience applauds.}''

RED GREEN: I'll tell ya, the, uh... {clears throat} search party for Ranger Gord turned into a rescue party for the other half of the search party. Uh, we've saved all the lives, over half the trucks and most of the hot dogs.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. No sign of Ranger Gord, though.

RED GREEN: No. No, that's...

{Suddenly, the front door opens and in steps Ranger Gord.}

RED GREEN: That's just the way it goes.

''{The audience applauds when Gord enters. He steps up close to Red and Harold. Red glances toward him, but not really notices him. Red waves to the camera.}''

RANGER GORD: Wow!

{Suddenly, Red and Harold turn with a start and see Gord standing right there.}

RANGER GORD: Look at all those people!

HAROLD GREEN: Ranger Gord, we've been looking everywhere for you!

{Gord reaches his arms out and brings Red and Harold close to him, hugging them.}

RED GREEN: Okay! No, no, no, it's okay, it's alright, that's alright!

HAROLD GREEN: {overlapping} Don't– Don't hug me! We thought maybe– Did you go insane from loneliness and ran off or something? We didn't know where you were or nothin'! We were lost, we were lookin' for ya!

RANGER GORD: I'm fine. {lets Red and Harold go}

RED GREEN: {relived} Alright, good.

HAROLD GREEN: Good.

RANGER GORD: No, I called out to you guys in the woods, but you didn't hear me, I guess, over all the engine noise.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah. No, we were– we were looking for you. You know, your tower was tipped right over there. {nods}

HAROLD GREEN: We assumed the worst.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: Oh, yeah. Well, I finally ran out of creamed corn. So I was forced to eat the front two legs of my tower. You know, I couldn't eat the back legs, because they're maple, and as you know, Red, I'm hardwood intolerant.

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} So what, you just– you just walked away, just like that?

RANGER GORD: Well, not exactly. I mean, it's been seventeen years since I last got a paycheck, so I decided to take a stand.

RED GREEN: All right. Yeah.

RANGER GORD: They laid me off. Got me in cutbacks.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah. No, no, there's– there's a lot of that these days.

RANGER GORD: No, this was seventeen years ago when they laid me off. And then the post office lost the letter containing my pink slip. {chuckles} Can you believe that? Can you imagine if the– if the forestry department was run as badly as the post office? Boy, the letters we wouldn't get. {shrugs} Anyways, I'm back in civilization.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Oh, no, you're not. You're at Possum Lodge.

Red's Advice To Teenagers
''{Red emerges from a building labeled "Possum Lodge Bed & Breakfast", wearing a yellow rain slicker. He holds a sheet of plywood.}''

RED GREEN: I'm noticing that you teenage boys are kind of into the fast food, the fast cars and the fast computers, {moves a chair out of his way} whereas the girls are just into fasting, huh? {turns around; plywood sheet is a sign reading "No Trespassing"} Speed's a big issue with you young folks. It seems the faster things go, the happier you are. {walks along} I guess you never heard the story about "The Tortoise and the Hare", eh? 'Cause, to me, {picks up a small wooden cage structure and puts it on a discarded stove} you young guys are kinda like the hare. And us older fellas are more like the tortoise. We don't have the hair anymore. {walks along some more} I'll tell ya, life has taught me one thing, and that's probably all it has, {moves a wheelbarrow aside} is that the faster you go, the more you miss. {walks along again} As you get older, you're gonna realize that we're all pretty much headed for a brick wall. The question is, how hard do you want to hit it? {walks into a garage} Remember, anything worth doing is worth doing slow.

The Experts
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show, that part of the show where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say... {gestures toward audience}

AUDIENCE: {in unison} I DON'T KNOW!

{Harold is revealed to be seated at a table with Red and Dalton Humphrey.}

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} That's so true! {picks up letter} Alright! Alright, joining my uncle Red in the Expert portion of the show this week is his good friend and the owner of Humphrey's Everything Store, {gestures toward Dalton} Mr. Dalton Humphrey! {Dalton waves and nods} Welcome, welcome! {looks at letter} This week's letter goes as follows: {reads} "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Dalton} Haw! {resumes reading} "–My wife and I have been married for 32 years."

RED GREEN: Well, there's very little we can do for you now.

HAROLD GREEN: {holding up a finger} That's– That's n– That's not it. There's– There's more.

RED GREEN: Oh. Oh, okay.

HAROLD GREEN: Just let– Just let me finish here. Okay. {resumes reading} "Recently– Recently, the last of our seven children graduated from high school and moved off to go to McDonald's University. Ever since our last child left, my wife has been in a terrible blue funk. What's her problem?"

RED GREEN: {nodding} No idea. {shakes his head}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Got a (?) here, right? They had seven kids, the kids have gone. Now that the kids have gone, she's upset.

HAROLD GREEN: Yes!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {pointing} The kids come back home?

HAROLD GREEN: {shaking his head} No. No, they're just, y'know, they– they grew up and then they went off to university, so she's alone now with her husband. So...

{Pause}

HAROLD GREEN: She raised the children, y'know, all those years and, y'know, nourished them and fed them and watched them grow, supported them and... they moved out onto university! {Red and Dalton look perplexed} She's alone with a man now, y'know, her husband and they're alone in the house, y'know, and he doesn't understand her moods or her needs of want. Y'know, you can just... It's an empty nest syndrome is what it is, y'know. {Red and Dalton stare} Empty nest syndrome? Y'know, this poor woman's going through a big change in her life!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looks up} Oh! The change! Yeah.

RED GREEN: Oh, yes. No, I know what the change is, I just never heard it being called "empty nest". That's a bit graphic.

''{Another pause. Harold looks surprised. The audience laughs and applauds.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, if you turn the thermostat down, it'll be fine.

HAROLD GREEN: No, see, her children are gone! Her children have moved on! Her life... Y– You don't get it, do you? No, you don't. You don't even get it. You... Aw, you guys should be so ashamed! Don't you get it?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {to Red} What is his problem?

RED GREEN: Puberty.

Trivia

 * This is the first episode in the show in which Ranger Gord appears in some other place besides the fire watchtower.

Inside References

 * Red previously tried to get Dougie to say "Love" as part of the Word Game in Real Estate. This time, however, he wins the game.

Real-World References

 * When Red discusses seeking self-help, he mentions The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey.
 * As Bill pours the unusually large amount of water from his shoe, Red remarks that it is a Water Jordan.
 * When Red talks to teens, he mentions the fable The Tortoise and the Hare.
 * Gord mentions both Smokey the Bear and Elmer the Safety Elephant.

Famous People

 * During the Lodge Meeting at the end, Harold mentions that one of the prizes at Gord's tower is for the best Barry White imitation.