The Movie/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Movie

Intro
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, here's the man who loves the great outdoors, because there's no doorknobs to bang your head on, my uncle, your hero and host, Red Green!

''{Red walks into the lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He holds a video camera in his hand.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. Appreciate it. Took my– Took my wife Bernice out for an anniversary dinner. {nods and smiles}

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah. I heard all about your kitchen fire.

RED GREEN: Well, I tried to surprise Bernice with some home cooking. I almost cooked our home! {somewhat upset} First of all, never flambe a whole goat. {shakes head} And you know what? I think it's the darn cookbooks now. {places index finger and thumb close together} The print– The print is so fine in them, you know? I thought for sure it said, "forty ounces of brandy". You know, I know now you need a much bigger oven to cook an– to cook an entire goat like that. And then the tail got hooked {moves finger around in a circle} into the rotisserie socket there. I wound up with a flaming goat carcass doing about {moves hand around in circle} thirty RPMs in the middle of the kitchen floor! {shakes head}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I guess that's why all parties end up in the kitchen.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Yeah, yeah. Boy, that was a mess, I'll tell ya. {back to camera} But anyway, I decided, to heck with that. I took Bernice out to a movie. What a disappointment! Last time I went, I went to see Chariots of Fire. You know, I expected that to be a remake of Ben-Hur with flamethrowers. And then, in this one here, it was– it was What Dinosaurs Would Do If They Were Around Today.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles, walks up close to Red} I know! I know! I know what they'd do! I know what they'd do! {giggles again} They'd form a lodge and they'd all sit around and wonder why women don't understand them!

RED GREEN: {nods} That's so– There's nothing funny about that.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. Well, they're dinosaurs.

RED GREEN: You know what's not funny about that? Eight bucks! Eight bucks, Harold! And– And the most likable character in the movie was made by a computer and bites peoples' heads off. I mean, how does that happen?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's simple, because Hollywood only cares about young people, because we actually go to the movies. The only time they get your eight bucks is when you set your house on fire with goats!

RED GREEN: You know what? Somebody needs to make a movie for people like me. {holds up camera} And I'm gonna do it myself! {smiles}

HAROLD GREEN: All right! Forrest Gump! {plays switcher while Red turns to leave}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress. Edgar is the contestant and the word is "Unsafe".}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few scenes from this week's episode. That's our game with Edgar.

''{Cut to Red standing outside the lodge next to a radiator. He holds a coffee mug in his hand as he tries to fill it with hot water from the radiator, which is attached to a hot water heater.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I got a heavy-duty cappuccino espresso maker there, and, uh...

''{Cut to Bill and Red holding a long, high-pressure water hose, which they use to wash a car. However, the water pressure knocks off small pieces of the car.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's something else that's really hard to do: a clean show under a lot of pressure.

Plot Segment 2
{Harold tunes his switcher as Red enters the lodge, holding several books in his hand.}

RED GREEN: Well, things are really starting to come together for my movie. No blood and gore, no special effects, no obscene language, and no nudity.

HAROLD GREEN: Well...

AUDIENCE: {sounding disappointed} Awww...

HAROLD GREEN: {to audience} No, no, no, no! I've seen the people around here; nudity would be counterproductive. {to Red} Y'know, Uncle Red, you're gonna need a script, and I myself have written over 38 different screenplays. Ha-ha-haw! Almost selling one to the community access channel. {cringes} Almost! Perhaps I could write your script?

RED GREEN: No, Harold, I don't need a script. {holds up books} That's why I got these. I can use one of these for my script.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, you can't do that. You have to, y'know, pay for the rights and stuff.

RED GREEN: No, I just {moves books around} changed the story a bit, y'know. {opens one book} Like, look at this one here. Like, for instance, take this one... {looks at book} Okay, you got a Southern belle named... {brief pause} Charlotte O'Hara. {Harold looks at book and slowly rolls eyes} She falls in love with... Brett Rutler... in the Civil War. And then Atlanta– no, no, Atlantis falls into the sea, and she makes a dress out of a Venetian blind.

HAROLD GREEN: {somewhat annoyed} That's Gone With the Wind, and everybody's gonna know it!

RED GREEN: Alright, well, I'll tell you what. {holds up index finger} We'll just make a movie about ourselves, Harold: The Red Green Story. The little guy triumphing over very big odds.

HAROLD GREEN: {amused} Don't you mean "the big, odd guy triumphing over very little"?

RED GREEN: Uh, you know, Harold, I'm just thinking, I'm gonna be casting for the part of Harold later today. You might wanna be a little nicer to me.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} I got to audition to play myself?! Who– Who could possibly play me?

RED GREEN: You know Porky Lansford?

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head} Porky Lansford looks nothing like me.

RED GREEN: No, but his wife is a dead-ringer. {smiles, then turns to leave}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by tapping a plastic gas can.}

RED GREEN:
 * Hey, kids, can you turn the music up?
 * Can you play that song a bit louder?
 * Can you pump up the bass and the treble,
 * And increase the output power?
 * Hey, kids, can you turn up the boombox?
 * Can you find louder music to play?
 * 'Cause I've just done a really stupid thing,
 * And I'd rather not hear what my wife has to say.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game! {pull back to reveal Red and Edgar sitting at card table} And this week– this week's grand prize is a beauty. Oh yeah, you'll get a lot out of this. This week's grand prize is for a pair of brass handles and the coffin of your choice from Dempsey's Funeral Home! Dempsey's, where our motto is, "Good grief!" All right. {looks to Red} Uncle Red? Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get local explosives expert, {points to Edgar} this fella here, Mr. Edgar Montrose, {Edgar looks away} to say this word. Edgar, you gotta cover ears. {takes out word sign} Edgar, your ears have to be covered. {Edgar still looks away}

RED GREEN: I think we're okay.

HAROLD GREEN: You think so? All righty.

''{Harold turns the word sign around. It displays on it the word "Unsafe".}''

HAROLD GREEN: The word is... {looks briefly at sign} "Unsafe". "Unsafe".

RED GREEN: Alright, alright...

HAROLD GREEN: {sets sign down} Thirty seconds, and go!

RED GREEN: Okay, Edgar. {Edgar still looks away} Edgar?

HAROLD GREEN: {looks at watch} Go, go! Thirty seconds, go!

RED GREEN: {shakes Edgar's arm to get his attention} Edgar!

EDGAR MONTROSE: {looks at Red, startled} Oh, I'm all ears, Red! {puts hand to ear}

RED GREEN: Yeah, I know. Just no eardrums. Okay, you stand too close to an explosion. That's...

EDGAR MONTROSE: Uh, {looks at his clothes} hard on your clothing.

RED GREEN: No, no, no. Okay, if you just leave dynamite lying around, that would be...

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, handy. {nods}

RED GREEN: Okay, yeah, no, alright. But let's say nutbars and lunatics get a hold of dynamite. Then that would be...

EDGAR MONTROSE: ...Texas.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Okay. {looks up in thought briefly, then holds up index finger} All right. Try this one: you're juggling bottles of nitro. Your clothes are covered in gas. {Edgar nods} Then it's...

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, the weekend!

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, it's almost out of time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: {holds up index finger} Okay, okay, okay, okay! I got seven sticks of lit dynamite in my mouth, my clothes are covered with gas, I'm roaring down the highway on the roof of a car. I would be...

EDGAR MONTROSE: {somewhat offended} ...a copycat! {nods while Red sways his head} Don't be stealing my party tricks, Red! Very unsafe!

{Red suddenly leans forward and rapidly rings the bell to end the game.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh! {points at Edgar excitedly while Edgar gives a thumbs-up}

Handyman Corner
{Red walks along outside the lodge, holding a small coffee cup on a saucer in his hand.}

RED GREEN: You know, a lot of people these days are drinking the espresso coffee. {holds up small cup} Apparently, this is enough to fill some people up. Not lodge people. {sets cup and saucer down on table and picks up a huge beer mug} This is more what I had in mind. Impresso espresso! {walks up to Handyman Corner sign, holding mug} So this week on Handyman Corner, {walks up to a hot water heater standing nearby, knocking sign over in the process} we're gonna make a man-sized machine to make man-sized espresso out of this, uh, hot water heater here. See, the hot water heater is built to take lots of water and lots of pressure, sort of like the lodge on nickel beer night. {looks at a safety valve on heater} All right, now, you see there? You got a safety valve, right? {picks up hammer} Well, hey, if we were worried about safety, we wouldn't be drinking espresso. {whacks the valve off of heater with hammer} All right, now we just gotta plug up the bunghole there. {places a cork in the hole and taps it into place with hammer} Wow! {smiles} No safety valve! Getting the caffeine rush already. {stoops down next to thermostat on heater} All right, now, down here in this area, you got your thermostat. It's set on high, but {takes a pair of pliers and places them on the thermostat} I'm gonna see if I can't coax that a little bit farther. {squeezes pliers over thermostat and turns them clockwise; rubs hands together eagerly} Oh-ho-ho, baby! {gets back up} All right, while that's heating up now, I'll start working on the filter. We got that unit set for nuclear meltdown, and I'm thinking, paper filter's not gonna do it. {picks up a car radiator off of work table} I'd rather go with a car radiator. It can take the heat and the pressure. {looks at bleeder valve at base of radiator} And I got the bleeder valve here to dispense the coffee. You know what? I think I'm gonna call that a dispensing valve, 'cause when I'm working on a project, I really don't wanna hear the word "bleeder".

''{Wipe to a later scene. The hot water heater is swaying slightly as the top bulges upward. Some tubing is connected from the heater to the car radiator.}''

RED GREEN: {holding the beer mug from earlier} Now, if you like your milk steamed, just check out the tank. There's bound to be a pop rivet on there somewhere.

''{Red reaches out and touches the heater. A sizzling sound is heard and Red quickly withdraws his hand, groaning and shaking it.}''

RED GREEN: Oh! Yes sir, that is hot! All right, our work here is done. Let's, uh, let's have some coffee.

''{Red stoops down next to the dispensing valve on the car radiator and turns it slightly, holding the mug under it. Some espresso pours out through the valve and into the mug.}''

RED GREEN: {laughs} Oh boy! Yep! Oh-ho-ho! Espresso! Oh yeah! All I need now is Juan Valdez and his donkey here.

''{Red then turns off the dispensing valve. He holds the espresso in the mug up to his mouth and takes a sip. He suddenly stops and looks away, gagging slightly.}''

RED GREEN: No, I think the donkey's already been here. {looks at mug and sniffs it} Oh, for gosh– I forgot to put the coffee in! {laughs as he picks up a huge can of coffee} Forgot the coffee! All right, just get the rad tap off of here. {looks away from camera while pulling on tab on radiator, which is stuck} She's rusted on a bit. {strains to remove tab} Oh, here she comes!

''{Suddenly, a blast of hot water spews from the radiator as Red continues to look away from the camera. The blast dies down as Red turns to face the camera, holding the tab in his hand. His face is now all red from the heat. He slowly opens his eyes.}''

RED GREEN: Boy, uh, got a sting to her there! {sets tab town} All right, now, uh, {opens up coffee can and pours coffee into radiator} you could use the gourmet coffee on this, but I think you'll agree, what we're doing to it, you're better off to just go ahead with the cheap stuff. {stops pouring in coffee and puts tab back on radiator} Okay. There we go. {wipes hands together} Should be all set. Let's have some espresso. Got my cream and sugar.

''{Red places his coffee mug under the dispensing valve and turns it on. A blast of hot water and coffee spew out into the mug. He then turns the valve off and pulls the mug away quickly.}''

RED GREEN: Oh-ho-ho, man! Well, if that isn't the best coffee you ever tasted, then my name is... Mud. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {takes a sip of his coffee, then suddenly looks around; quickly} I'm gonna paint the shed brown. {throws coffee out of mug behind him, hitting the shed wall}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Wanna talk to you older guys about your busy schedule. I'm guessing you're spending a big part of your day yelling at teenagers to turn the darn music down. Huh? I bet you can't believe it, eh, 'cause twenty, thirty years ago, remember, you used to love to have your music loud, eh? And now, all of a sudden, you can't stand their music that loud. And when you realize your hearing's off forty percent, imagine how loud it really is, huh? {chuckles} But let's be honest here: volume is not the problem. You like some things loud: your car exhaust, Matlock, young women saying how good you look for a man with your lifestyle, eh? {chuckles} The truth is, you don't like the new music loud, 'cause you don't like the new music, period! So stop yelling at the kids to turn the music down. Start yelling at them to turn the darn stuff off! Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this togeth– {suddenly shouting} I SAID, REMEMBER, I'M PULLING FOR YA! WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!

Plot Segment 3
{Red stands in the lodge, holding a movie clapperboard.}

RED GREEN: Auditions, Behind the Beard: The Red Green Story, take one.

''{Red brings the clapstick down hard on the slate. As it makes the clap sound, the slate falls off the clapperboard and on the floor. Red bends down to pick it up. Cut to Harold, posing proudly.}''

HAROLD GREEN: I'm Harold Green, and I'm auditioning for the part of Harold Green.

RED GREEN: Next!

''{Annoyed, Harold leaves. Red, having reassembled his clapperboard, brings down the clapstick again, this time holding the slate in his hand. Cut to Dalton, holding Harold's switcher.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: I'm Dalton Humphrey, and I'm auditioning for the part of Harold Green. {puts on a pair of glasses, then pretends to play the switcher; talking like Harold} Hey, Uncle Red! Watch out! That– Another wild bear's chargin' ya! I'd help, but... I'm a coward! {whoops loudly}

RED GREEN: Next.

''{Dalton gives a thumbs-up. Red brings down the clapstick on the clapperboard slate again. Cut to Winston, wearing a hat like Red's and a fake beard, which is wrapped around his head in an elastic band.}''

RED GREEN: State your name.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Winston Rothschild, and I'm auditioning for the part of Red Green.

''{Winston lets go of the beard he is holding, which snaps against his face. He adjusts his beard briefly, makes a sign of the cross, and then holds up a paper.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {reading paper, talking like Red} "Don't worry, ma'am, saving a hundred orphans is all in a day's work for me. The bashful bachelor of Possum Lake..."

RED GREEN: Next.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {overlapping; still talking like Red} "...Red–"

''{Winston learns that he needs to stop, and he walks off. Red brings down the clapstick on the clapperboard slate again. Cut to Buzz, wearing Red's hat and the fake beard.}''

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {talking like Red} And, uh, you orphans, remember, uh, when you grow up, uh, keep your stick on the ice. {laughs maniacally}

RED GREEN: Next!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {shocked} What?! What?!

''{Buzz walks off. Red brings down the clapstick on the clapperboard slate again. Cut to Hap, wearing Red's hat and the fake beard.}''

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I'm Hap Shaugnessy, and I'm auditioning for the part of Red. {reads from piece of paper in hand} "Don't worry." Uh... {clears throat, then speaks like Red} "Don't worry." Uh... "The pack of rabid wolves are dead." {pauses, perplexed} "It would have been easier if I had had some kind of weapon, but what are a few scars compared to knowing you saved a busload... of orphans?" {stops, perplexed} Oh, come on! Dialog should be believable! It's like when I was with Meryl Streep!

RED GREEN: {quickly} Next!

''{Hap leaves. Red brings down the clapstick on the clapperboard slate again. Cut to Edgar.}''

EDGAR MONTROSE: Huh? Oh, I'm Edgar Montrose, and I'm auditioning for the part of Bernice!

RED GREEN: Next.

''{Perplexed, Edgar walks off. Red brings down the clapstick on the clapperboard slate again. Cut to a crowd of men all standing around.}''

ONE MAN IN CROWD: We're auditioning for the crowd scene!

RED GREEN: Next.

''{The crowd all laugh. Red brings down the clapstick on the clapperboard slate again. Cut to a man and a woman standing together.}''

RED GREEN: Oh– {gets cut off by the sound of a cuckoo}