Harold's One And Only/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Ever notice how most

dogs don't understand

the concept "full"?

They just keep eatin'

until they finish

whatever it is

you put in front of them.

That's because the average

canine in dog years

is about the same age

as a middle aged man --

or as we call them:

The buffet years.

Come on, fella.

The question is,

wouldn't it be great

if you could put out a whole

week's worth of dog food

without having to refill

the bowl every day?

The answer's obvious.

Get yourself an old car

with a retractable sunroof.

You can pick these up pretty

cheap from a middle aged

bald guy

with a sunburn

where his hair used to be.

All you need is the roof.

The rest you can

sell as a convertible,

maybe to the

bald guy's wife.

She's probably

lookin' to trade up.

Just dish out a

week's worth of dog food

into that giant salad bowl you

got as a wedding present

and never used.

Once rover's done with it,

you never will.

Just slide the dish

under the sunroof

so the dog can't get at

the food unless the

unit is open.

And sure, yeah, I could

open the sunroof manually,

but I got a better idea.

I've hooked up the on/off

mechanism to this solar

powered calculator.

Oh sure, the solar panel's

pretty small on this unit,

but that's okay,

because once I place her

in this window sill,

she's only gonna

catch the sun from, say,

10:00 to roughly 10:02.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

all right!

Oh, ho, ho!

Okay, thanks very much.

Appreciate it.

Oh, yeah.

Okay then.

You know how we all have

sentences that you never

thought you'd say?

Things like, I'll have

the vegetarian lasagna;

or, it was my fault;

or, not tonight.

Well, here's

another one...

Harold's having

girl problems.

[ audience reacts ]

yeah. Yeah.

Well, harold's got this

girlfriend, bonnie --

you know harold.

He always goes overboard.

And if he goes

overboard with bonnie,

I just wanna make sure he's

wearing a life jacket.

[ cheers and applause ]

what a beautiful day.

Uh-huh, you and bonnie

been necking, harold?

I do not

kiss and tell.

Your face does.

Yeah, you guys should

leave your glassed on

when you're smoochin'.

You could

lose an eye.

Bonnie kisses way better

than any other woman.

How many women

have you kissed?

My mom.

See, that's what

bothers me, harold.

You don't have enough

experience with women.

It bothers me too,

believe me.

See, it's because

you're focussed too

much on bonnie.

You should be

dating other girls.

Ha! That sounds

crazy to me.

You should be

dating other girls,

you never heard

that before?

Yeah, but only from

other girls I've asked out.

No, no, see,

harold,

if you spend

too much time

too soon with bonnie,

well, something

could happen.

You know what

I'm talkin' about?

Every time I'm with her,

I do get a big hint.

Okay. Okay.

All right.

That means you

agree with me.

You guys should

kinda cool it for

a little while.

Now, you wanna

tell her,

or do you want me

to tell her?

No, no, no!

Not you. Not you.

I'll tell her.

I can tell her.

I'll simply say,

bonnie...

I'll tell her.

No, I'll tell her.

I can tell her.

I can tell her.

It's not that big a --

what am

I telling her?

[ applause ]

it's time for

the possum lodge word game.

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's prize is this coupon

for a romantic dinner for two

at the drive-thru window

of the burger barrel.

You'll enjoy

a four-course meal...

Burgers, fries,

onion rings,

and pepto-bismol.

All right, dalton,

cover your ears.

Red, you've got 30 seconds to

get dalton to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Uh, okay, dalton,

you got a ring

and you got two people

fightin' like crazy.

Marriage.

No, uh, no, no.

These are pros,

okay,

and they have gloves,

and they have mouth guards,

and people pay to watch 'em

punch each other out.

Hockey players.

No, no.

Okay, no.

Okay, you got

two guys doin' this.

Two guys goin' like this.

Maraca players?

Almost outta time,

here, red.

Yeah, uh...

Okay, okay.

Dalton, some men

wear briefs;

other men wear...

Well, how would I know?

Wait, how do you know?!

Come on, dalton,

you know this one.

This is like

baggy underwear.

You know, not the

tighty whities you and I wear.

I mean, these are shorts.

Wh-wh --

you mean trunks?

Only boxers

wear trunks!

There we go.

[ applause ]

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This fall 12 women

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Handsome, connected,

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Winston rothschild is...

Because reality sucks.

You know every man has a

mountain of some kind

to face in his life.

If he's a single guy,

the mountain is

probably laundry.

But with the single load

capacity of these machines,

this is an all-day job.

And "all day" and "job"

are two things

I never like to see

in the same sentence.

What we need is a washer

and dryer large enough

to handle all

the laundry at once,

assuming we won't care about

mixing our whites in

with our colours,

and that's a pretty

safe assumption.

That's why today

I'm going to build

a multi-load

washer dryer.

My laundry's

like cargo,

but I'm gonna use a car

that doesn't go.

Actually, I recommend

a hatchback.

Hey, look, it's the

hatchback of notre dame.

Okay, first thing you wanna do

is remove all the seats

from the vehicle,

using whatever tool

you have handy.

I guess that's me.

You wanna get an even

distribution of water

throughout the wash cycle,

so cover the interior with as

many of these lawn sprinklers

as you can find.

My neighbours all water

their lawns at night,

so getting these sprinklers

is pretty easy.

That's not funny, harold!

Now, this vehicle

has a sunroof.

So she makes an excellent

top loading model.

Just jam all your

clothes in here.

Don't worry about

overloading the machine.

You know, I once saw

15 clowns get out of

a vehicle this size.

Sadly, 16 had gotten in.

But they dedicated

the world record to him.

Why do clown stories

always involve death?

Okay, sock the laundry

detergent in there.

Hey, these things really do

let the 'sunlight' in.

Remember the fab four?

Well, this is

what the fab's for.

Oh, tide's comin' in.

In fact, I'll just --

all right, harold.

All right!

Okay, we got our

sprinklers runnin' there,

and I hooked the hatchback

up to the possum van

with a tow bar.

Then I stuck a concrete block

behind the rear wheel.

That'll allow me

to do a little agitatin'.

I've always been

good at that.

If my van is rockin',

I'm probably bleachin'

my underwear.

Okay, now we have

to drain the washer

before turning it

into a dryer.

That's where the

hatchback comes in handy.

Done.

This floor mat is my

sheet of fabric softener.

Okay, now, for the drying,

I really need to

generate some hot air.

So I turned the

heater on full,

and then I drained the rad.

Then you just

start her up.

And it's just that easy.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

it's time for

the spin cycle.

"dry clean only."

[ applause ]

the other day I'm driving down

the highway there,

and I see a guy nearly

miss his exit.

So he cuts across

five lanes of traffic

to make it to

the other side.

I thought I was going to

end up on the other side too.

The final other side.

The one with

the pearly gates

and my old dog porky,

who got crushed by a

runaway wheel of cheese.

This guy couldn't take

the next exit and come back,

because an extra four minutes

out of his day

was apparently worth more

than the rest of my life.

Then yesterday, I'm at the

express checkout lane

at the supermarket,

and the old guy in front

of me with 97 items

realises he's forgotten

to buy a watermelon.

So he disappears

back into the store

while I stand there thinking

about what he can do

with that watermelon

when he gets back.

The common theme here

is that some of us

seem to have forgotten an

important concept.

And it can be summed up

in two words...

Too late.

Don't ever be afraid

to tell yourself

it's too late

to do something.

Too late is your friend,

because you never know when

your selfishness

might tick off

the wrong person.

Someone with

anger management issues

and a firearm.

Then it could be you in

front of those pearly gates

playing fetch with porky.

Oh, sure, by that

point you're sorry.

Guess what?

Too late.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all

in this together.

[ applause ]

you need a sewage guy

you can grow old with,

because remember,

your sense of smell

is the last thing to go.

Okay, it's been four hours

since harold went over

to tell bonnie

that they're seein'

too much of each other.

By this point they're

probably seein' all

of each other.

Boy, there's

a scary visual.

Come right in.

Come right in.

[ muttering

to each other ]

the two of you might

wanna cut back

on the sugar intake.

Hello, mr. Green.

Hello, bonnie.

Harold and I had

a little talk.

Well, I'm glad

to hear that.

And harold said you have

something you wanted

to tell me.

Let's say I wanna

buy a car,

and the only dealership

in the area is a yugo

dealership.

That means that I'm

gonna end up with

a yugo, right?

I love yugos!

Me too!

I love yugos!

No, no, no.

No, that's

not the point.

You gotta make an

informed decision,

which means you gotta

look at all your

options.

Mm-hmm.

I love yugos!

Bonnie, I think my uncle's

trying to help us

avoid making a mistake.

He's saying maybe we stop

seeing each other for

a little while --

just a little while.

See how it works out.

See if we really

care about each other.

Exactly.

Well, if you say so,

harold.

I mean,

we could try it.

We could stop seeing

each other for like...

An hour.

A day.

A month.

A week.

All right.

Because we don't want

to get together just

out of convenience.

I guess not.

No, because that's what

my aunt bernice did, and...

Red: The boys are out

on a summer's day,

looking for a

different beach.

And they were

just cruisin' along,

and bill was feeding harold,

keeping him happy

in the back seat there.

And they saw a sign that

they had never seen before.

'course they didn't realise

the sign had a little more

to it than that.

So now we're operating

under what we call

false pretenses,

which pretty well describes

their entire lives.

So walter and bill just can't

get out of the car fast enough.

Scramble up and see

what's going on

at the nude beach.

And harold has a little

more common sense

and, you know, fair play.

He says, hey, guys.

Hey, hey, hey.

You gotta be one

to see one.

So now they gotta

make a decision.

Are you gonna or not

or not...

Or... Okay, they're

gonna go for it.

All right.

Decided to pay the price.

Harold has a great idea.

They've got some

toys and so on

they can use to cover up some

of the embarrassing bits.

And the rubber duckie and even

using the cooler there.

And there was one of those

pop-out pup tent things.

And, uh, so walter

grabs a cooler,

and he takes the

bottom out of her

it'll be just

like shorts really.

And bill's got the

rubber duck unit there,

which I believe he

got on prescription.

And of course harold, then,

is left with the tent,

which is one of

these spring jobs.

I think it's going to be large

enough to cover

everything harold's

embarrassed about.

So now next thing you know,

over the hill comes

the three musketeers.

And about now

they realise,

hey wait a minute, this isn't

a nude beach at all.

Those are families.

There's one kid

playin' catch,

and he kinda takes offence

to way they're not dressed,

so he fires -- oh!

Firing rocks at 'em, boy.

Oh, boy!

Oh! There goes another one.

So harold decides to

high-tail it out of there.

Of course, by this time,

the car has been illegally

parked for a while

and has attracted a cop.

Once she sees the way

they're not dressed,

uh, the ticket takes on

a whole new level.

This is not just

gonna be a fine.

This one 's gonna involve taki''

a little trip downtown,

because it's gonna have

to be appearing in court.

Says right on there.

See: "summons

to appear in court."

so bill doesn't doesn't take

this as seriously

as he should have.

He just kinda uses it

as his bathing suit.

And once she got

a glimpse of that,

she changed it to read:

"small claims"!

[ applause ]

[ car chugging ]

you hear that?

That's called run-on.

Old cars do that a lot.

So do old guys.

At both ends.

I've tried everything

to fix it.

Well, everything free,

that is.

But now I've decided to turn

the run-on from a liability

into an asset.

See, when I shut the car off,

it runs for exactly...

[ car stops chugging ]

23 seconds.

I figure that should be

just about perfect.

Okay, got my tent

all rolled up

and mounted on

the roof of the car.

When I pull this rope,

that tent'll drop faster

than the canadian dollar

during a quebec election.

First, I'll shut

the car off,

which means she'll run for

exactly 23 seconds

which is just about

the right amount of time

to inflate my tent.

Or as I call it,

my inflatable garage.

Okay, we're into the fourth

day of bonnie withdrawal.

It's goin' okay.

I mean, it's a one day

at a time thing.

But it's goin' okay.

It's not easy,

believe me.

Okay, uncle red!

Come on, we gotta go!

You said you were going

to take me to the

botanical gardens

so we can see the

forsythia in bloom.

Then we have to go down

to the electronics store,

because I wanna get

a new mp3 player, right.

It's not easy,

believe me.

And of course we have

to go to the library,

but we have to hurry,

because that

closes at 8:00.

We're not going to

the library, harold.

That's all the way

up in port asbestos.

No, we'll go to the

library in possum lake.

We have a library?

Where's that?

Right next to

the liquor store.

No kidding.

Harold!

What's wrong?

I'm not supposed

to see you, bonnie.

What's goin' on?

It's only

four days.

I got a message

from pookie.

He said it was

an emergency.

I thought you

were sick.

Your voice sounded

all scratchy.

No!

Well, I don't know

what that's all about.

Since you're

here anyway,

you two might as well

get back together.

Ah!

[ stammering ]

kisses! Kisses!

Kisses!

[ possum squealing ]

I can't.

I gotta go

to the meeting.

No, no, harold.

You go with bonnie.

Really?

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes, harold.

We'll go to the botanical

gardens first...

I'll get the door.

I'll get the door.

I'll get the door.

[ applause ]

okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting

and I hope I'll find you

in an affectionate mood.

[ as harold ]

'cause it's an emergency!

[ nerdy laugh ]

to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and pookie

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

everybody sit down.

Sit down, everybody.

You gotta sit down.

Hurry up. Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

All right, harold's not

at the meeting tonight,

because I think he's in love.

So let's have

two minutes silence.

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