Magnetic Lake/Transcript

The complete transcript for Magnetic Lake

Title sequence
''{The Red Green Show intro plays. After introducing the characters, the scene cuts to a shot of Harold posing in front of an extremely bright light.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} This is Red Green, and this time around, Harold's gonna pretend he's God...

{Cut to a shot of Bill pushing a boat off from a dock into the lake.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Bill's gonna launch a boat...

{Cut to a shot of a laundry pole spinning, with several seats and stuffed animals attached to it.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'm building a kiddie ride for the back yard.

''{Cut to an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshots appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.}''

Intro
{The camera walks out from a back room and looks at several items before arriving in the main Lodge room, while Harold introduces the show.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now, here's a man who's been called one of Canada's national treasures, your host, my uncle, Mr. Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you. Thank you so much. And hello there, Harold, who is also a national treasure, and if I had my way, would be buried by pirates.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, until that time, let's just let my fingers walk the plank.

''{Harold taps the keyboard on his switcher, but nothing happens. He looks around for a moment.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Nothing happened. {looks at the switcher} My A.D.O. didn't video-flange the image!

RED GREEN: No, and your doo-dingus didn't flip-flop the thingy, there.

HAROLD GREEN: Exactly, yeah, well, yes! My skew is off.

RED GREEN: {looks at the switcher} Hmm... Y'know, there's something I do to our TV at home. Where's the horizontal hold on this thing?

HAROLD GREEN: {points to a part of the switcher} Well, that's that one right there.

RED GREEN: {walks in front of Harold} There? All right, just hold still.

''{Red holds the switcher, then kicks it with his knee. Harold stands still for a moment, hunched over slightly.}''

RED GREEN: {pauses} Huh. That usually works at home. Mind you, we have the Beta. Interesting week up at the Lodge this week. You know, we've done– all the power went off after a big thunderstorm. So the guys all went out and gathered up firewood so that we could keep warm, and when the power came back on, it didn't, y'know! So what happened was, Junior Singleton had cut down a power line pole to use as firewood. So now we're thinking, what else can we use for electricity around here? And we start thinking about Possum Lake. Now Possum Lake has got so much acid in it, it's got lead, cadmium and zinc. Y'know, in a certain way, the lake is like a big battery. So we got thinking and drinking, and out we come with all our jumper cables. We hooked up all our jumper cables to the car batteries, we tried to jump-start Possum Lake. Well, unfortunately, somebody had reversed the polarity on their cables, and something real strange happened, and we ended up magnetizing the whole lake.

{A video clip showing a flyover of Possum Lake suddenly flies into the screen, flips around, then leaves the screen again.}

RED GREEN: Wow, your video effects just arrived, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow, that's like, forty seconds late! ''Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! Woo!''

RED GREEN: Y'know, it might have something to do with Possum Lake. There's a magnetic field around here now. Everybody's watch is running backwards.

HAROLD GREEN: Woo, it's like an episode of The Twilight Zone! {imitates the opening sequence to that show}

RED GREEN: Yeah, or Bewitched.

HAROLD GREEN: {begins imitating the Bewitched intro, dances around a bit}

RED GREEN: Oh, never mind. Anyway, we're all working hard to demagnetize the lake because everybody's belt buckle's pointing north and it's real hard to walk into town. But hopefully none of this will get in the way of the real attraction, the show we have for you tonight. So just bear with us, and please don't adjust your set.

HAROLD GREEN: Especially your channel knob.

RED GREEN: Right. Take us away, Harold.

''{Harold taps the keyboard on his switcher. Again, nothing happens.}''

RED GREEN: Oh boy. {gets in front of Harold and kicks the switcher again} I always wanted to direct!

Red's Campfire Song 1
{Red plays guitar while Harold tries to whistle a blade of grass between his thumbs.}

RED GREEN:
 * When a man can live alone in the woods,
 * With only his wits and a big knife or equivalent,
 * Without the comfort of a home or a job or a friend,
 * Boy that's really something, if he can live there without coming to an end.
 * It fills his heart with so much pride.
 * It's not exactly enjoyable, but it's a lot less humiliating than trying to borrow money.

{Harold blows against the grass blade, then starts choking on it and ends up swallowing it.}

Handyman Corner
''{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. Red is standing in front of a shed with a laundry pole propped up against the bench behind him.}''

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you how to make your own amusement park. I got this idea from Harold and his teenage buddies, who go down to the Pine Cone Festival there and pay three bucks each for the privilege of riding around on one of them things that spin in a circle for forty seconds and then they barf up their slush puppy and their cheese dog. And I thought to myself, golly, there's gotta be a cheaper way to have that kind of fun. So today, I'm gonna show you how to make your very own back yard kiddie ride. Now, the first thing you're gonna need is one of them old-fashioned clotheslines. {picks up the laundry pole} I was lucky enough to find this one just sticking out of the ground behind somebody's house. {shrugs and sets the pole down again} Okay, now first thing you need to do is to get yourself a piece of pipe. {picks up a pipe and a sledgehammer} I got an aluminum pipe here, {stands the pipe up on the dirt} and you just set that right where you want the ride to start. And you just tap 'er into the ground.

{Red taps on the pipe a couple of times, then backs up and gets ready to swing.}

RED GREEN: All right, just...

''{Red swings at the pipe. The end of the pipe shatters, sending a couple of pieces flying into the nearby bushes.}''

RED GREEN: Uh, all right. You need another kind of pipe. Maybe, something other than aluminum. {looks around and walks away}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is pounding another pipe deep into the ground.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah, uh, go with your steel on that. The aluminum's not gonna do it. But we're all set.

{Red sets the hammer down and walks back to where he left the laundry pole, passing a piece of bent eaves-trough and a third pipe that has been split five ways from the top.}

RED GREEN: And don't even– don't even think about using eaves-trough. That's... And of course, the plastic drain pipe... out of the question. {picks up the laundry pole} Now we just stick this into our pipe here. {drops the pole into the steel pipe} We're almost ready to start charging three bucks a pop. But we're gonna need something to hang on here for the little kiddies to sit in. {walks to a nearby table and picks up a bucket} Well, for starters, how about a bucket seat? {sets the bucket down, picks up a milk crate} Or, these old milk cartons can be turned into seats, and you can get these for free behind one of them variety stores when they're closed. {sets down the crate} Of course, you know, when I was growing up, {groans and picks up an old tire} we always used tires, so why not use a tire as one of your seats? And that's three of the four corners. {sets the tire down and picks up a potty chair} And for the fourth corner, something a little interesting. Get yourself an old potty seat and hook that on– That'd be kinda dangerous on a windy day.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has attached the four "seats" to the clothesline and placed stuffed animals in each of them. He finishes attaching the milk crate, which has had one side cut out of it.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I used these stuffed animals as representing kids. Crash-test teddies. Got 'em off of Moose's bed. Of course, now we need some sort of power to drive this unit. Now, you could use, say, an old electric drill or a maybe a lawn mower or something, or you could take some bed sheets and make a wind-powered unit.

''{Red gestures to where he has wound a thick blue wire around the shaft of the clothesline. As he talks, the camera traces the wire down the shaft, then over to where it is attached to the hitch on the Possum Van, then back to Red again.}''

RED GREEN: But what I've done is I attached a plastic-covered wire, clothes wire type thing here, and coiled it all around the shaft and then hooked her right up to the back of the Possum Van. If you didn't have a Possum Van, you could hook it up to the back of your car or whatever. And the idea being, of course, that when you drive away, it tends to spin this. And what you could do here is first thing in the morning, you pop your kids into the ride, and then you just fire off to work, and probably by the time you come home, they've stopped spinning. So, just before I give her a try, I want you to remember until next time, of course, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. All right, midway's open.

''{Red walks offscreen. Cut to a shot of the clothesline ride spinning. The tire has fallen off the clothesline. Someone off-camera makes "Whee!" sounds.}''

The Experts
{Harold stands in the Lodge basement beside a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: This is the part of the show where we expose the three little words that men find so difficult to say: "I don't know." {Red and Bob emerge from behind a door in the back and enter into the room} So here to prove that point is my Uncle Red and, of course, his bestest, most best friend, Mr. Bob Stuyvesant.

''{Red and Bob wave. They all sit around the table. Harold picks up a letter.}''

HAROLD GREEN: All righty. Here we go: "Dear Experts, my nephew is coming to stay with me for the summer."

RED GREEN: {to the camera} Well, you certainly have my sympathy. {to Harold} Go on, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: "And I don't really have a lot of habits or activities that would interest a ten-year-old boy. Do you have any suggestions?"

{Pause}

BOB STUYVESANT: I don't think I really understand the question.

RED GREEN: Me neither, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, his nephew is coming to stay, and he wants to make sure that he has fun, so...

RED GREEN, BOB STUYVESANT: {in unison} Right...

{Pause}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, he wants to make sure that the boy has fun on his summer when he's there.

RED GREEN: Why?

BOB STUYVESANT: Well, I mean, come on. I mean, there's probably hundreds of things that a young lad can do to have fun in the summer. I mean, uh... let's see, there's... {holds up his golf club} Well... well, there's golf. Huh. Golf is great fun.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, he's ten. He might be a little bit small for golf.

BOB STUYVESANT: Okay... mini-golf.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, uh... well, is there any other ideas?

BOB STUYVESANT: Oh, sure. I mean, there must lots of things you can do with a kid, aren't there, Red?

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah.

{Pause}

HAROLD GREEN: ...Could we be a little more specific?

BOB STUYVESANT: You know, my sister, when she used to come at Christmas and bring the kids, I used to play this little game with them called, uh, "Adapt". That, uh, worked out pretty well.

HAROLD GREEN: "Adapt"! Oh, okay. How does that work?

BOB STUYVESANT: Oh, it's easy, really. The adults, they do absolutely anything they want, and the kids have to adapt. You know, it's an old-fashioned, family tradition thing.

RED GREEN: Sounds like an educational game, too, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: I'm guessing you don't have anybody staying with you this summer.

BOB STUYVESANT: No. So far, it's working great.

The Winter of Our Discount Tent
''{Red is sitting on a bench in the snow, dressed in a heavy parka. He opens a book and starts reading.}''

RED GREEN: It is winter. When I was young, we never had fights in hockey. But we also never had helmets, or protective pads, or shields on our skate blades, or smoothed ice. We used broken, splintered sticks and a brick for a puck. And big, hard rocks for the posts. But we never had fights. We didn't need fights!

Visit With Hap Shaughnessy
''{Hap is walking around on his houseboat, which is rigged to a dock. He is dressed almost entirely in alumimum foil and is wearing a small antenna on his head, and he is holding an object wrapped in foil. Red walks up to the houseboat.}''

RED GREEN: Hap? Hap, is that you?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, hi, Red. You like my outfit?

RED GREEN: {hesitating} Yeah, it's... shiny.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, it brings back memories of my days as an astronaut. One small step for Neil Armstrong, a piece of cake for me. {makes a saluting motion toward the sky}

RED GREEN: {to the camera} Astronaut, right. {to Hap} Well, I suppose if it stops the magnetism from bothering you. {climbs onto the boat}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Magnetism? What kind of magnetism is that, Red?

RED GREEN: Well, Hap, the whole lake is magnetized. Didn't you hear about that?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, Buster Hadfield mentioned something about that. But you know that guy and his stories. He's the worst liar I've met since Howard Hughes.

RED GREEN: Yeah. Well, Hap, if you didn't know anything about the magnetism, what's the aluminum foil for?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, it's part of an experiment I'm doing on time travel. But I can't go into details on that now.

RED GREEN: Good, good. None of our outboard motors are working because of that magnet thing. I'm thinking, you've got the diesel engine here, maybe you could give me a ride into town.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Sure. Lemme just ground the boat with my boat hook.

''{Hap picks up a metal pole and sticks it into the lake. A surge of electricity jolts him, causing him to shake and knocking him on his back.}''

RED GREEN: You all right, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, I'm fine. You learn to deal with pain when you're an astronaut. {twitches on the floor}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Hap and Red are inside the houseboat, and Hap unsuccessfully attempts to start it.}''

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Nope. Huh. I'd better try a little trick that Hemingway showed me. {reaches under the dashboard, tries to start the boat again.} Nope. Sorry, Red. This magnetism thing must have messed up my motor. Or I'm out of fuel, or, somebody has sabotaged my boat. I made a lot of enemies when I worked with the C.I.A.

RED GREEN: {gets up and steps out of the boat} Well, thanks anyway, Hap. And good luck with that time travel experiment.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {follows Red out} Yeah, if it works and I go back in time, I'll try to prevent the lake from getting magnetized. You know, with time travel, I can change history and alter the past.

RED GREEN: Oh, you don't need time travel to do that, Hap. {walks away}

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters, covered in various metal objects.}

RED GREEN: Boy, that magnetism in Possum Lake, it's really messing up the electronic equipment and all of our zippers and everything. {to Harold} Harold, touch my finger, will ya?

HAROLD GREEN: No way! I know that trick.

RED GREEN: Harold, I just need you to ground me.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh! Oh, okay! Oh, I got a better– I got some antistatic spray for my switcher. {picks up a can of spray} We'll use that, it's good stuff.

''{Harold sprays Red with the can, and Red coughs violently. All the metal objects fall off of Red.}''

RED GREEN: Thanks, Harold, and don't ever do that again.

HAROLD GREEN: {shrugs} Okay, Uncle Red. Think maybe we should, like, maybe phone the government, or maybe even somebody who knows something?

RED GREEN: No, we can't, Harold. The phone lines are humming with static. Can't even drive into town, 'cause all the cars are stuck to an old fire hydrant. And that whole mess is being circled by some pretty unhappy dogs, I'll tell ya!

HAROLD GREEN: You know what, Uncle Red? Maybe this is like aliens or something! Could be aliens, and they're planning to land on Possum Lake!

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, if they capture you, make it clear to them that you're not a normal Earth person, okay? There's no telling what they'd do if they thought we were all like you!

{Harold starts tapping the keyboard on his switcher.}

RED GREEN: Oh, no, Harold, don't do that! I'm not finished talking yet.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I know, but it takes forty seconds, you know, because of the magnetism, so...

RED GREEN: Yeah, but I don't– I rea– I don't like a deadline, Harold. I mean, y'know, what do I do now?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, just talk for forty seconds! Or thirty, 'cause, y'know, you and I talked.

RED GREEN: Yeah, alright, okay, thirty seconds. Help me out here, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, well, because of the magnetism, tell 'em how... the aluminum boat's stickin' to the underbelly of the diving board.

RED GREEN: Okay, yeah, the aluminum boat. Yeah– no, no, no, I know! Septic tanks, septic tanks!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh-ho-ho-ho-kay!

RED GREEN: {quickly} Alright, we got a steel septic tank. She's galvanized on there, but she started {shaking his hands back and forth} shakin' back and forth like this, and of course, there's a Sunday school picnic about fifty yards away or something– {gets cut off by the digital effects leading into the next segment}

Red's Campfire Song 2
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * It doesn't really matter how old and tired you grow,
 * You always will remember that first kiss so long ago.

{Harold laughs.}

RED GREEN: {spoken} Who're you kiddin'?
 * {singing} I got my first kiss from Mary Brown.
 * It was lovely and it was sweet.
 * I opened my lips and ate it,
 * Because it was a Halloween treat.
 * One of them brown ones, Harold, with a black and orange wrapper.
 * I tried to pick the best one.
 * 'Cause I figured if I couldn't handle a treat,
 * A trick would be out of the question.

Harold's Segment
''{The camera pans left to where Harold is dancing in front of a TV set in a room of the Lodge. Harold's segment music plays briefly.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Now here's something for kids which does not represent the views or opinions of any intelligent human life form. Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Ha! Okay, um, this next segment is a pilot for a brand new show where– Y'know, I think it's really gonna catch on. Because it's got all the great ingredients. Y'know, it's got action, adventure, excitement, and me! {laughs} It's a show that lets people live their dreams, y'know? It's entitled:

''{Harold strikes a dramatic pose, and an extremely bright stage light turns on behind him, causing him to appear silhouetted in the camera. A title appears, reading "If I Were God".}''

HAROLD GREEN: {dramatically, with an echo} IF I WERE GOD! ''{the light goes out. Harold giggles and rubs his rear for a second}'' All right, so, all you have to do is send in your videos, showing me what you would do if...

''{The light turns back on. Harold strikes another pose.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {dramatic, with echo} ...YOU WERE GOD! {light goes out} Ha ha, whoa! {rubs his rear again} But because it's a pilot, y'know, there's no way you could have sent in your videos yet. So I guess I'm gonna have to do the first one, okay? So here I go, I'm gonna do the first one. Well... {with light and echo} IF I WERE GOD... {light goes out} Ha ha! I'd end all wars, and diseases, and starvation. But I would make sure that everyone has cable.

{Red opens the door behind Harold and walks into the room.}

RED GREEN: Harold? What are you doing in here?

HAROLD GREEN: I'm pretending that... {with light and echo, causing Red to shield his eyes} I WAS GOD! {light goes out}

RED GREEN: {cringing} Well, you can't do that. God doesn't have homework.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, okay, all right, I'm just gonna– I'll do it right now! {sits down at his desk} I wonder what would happen, though, if I were God.

RED GREEN: Well, that would probably put an end to religion.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah.

Visit With Glen Brachston
{Red walks up to Glen washing his R.V. with a hose and a sponge.}

RED GREEN: Boy, Glen! You seem pretty chipper in the face of disaster. The lake is magnetized, or didn't you know?

GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, no, I know, Red. But the R.V. is 60% aluminum, so, y'know, that's nonmagnetic, of course.

RED GREEN: Yeah, and the rest is all Bondo and duct tape. But I was more concerned about your boats and, more importantly, your customers who bought 'em.

GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, yeah. Well, none of the boats are running, Red, so nobody's called to complain yet. {chuckles}

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, the phones aren't working, either.

GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, yeah.

RED GREEN: Well, Glen, I just wondered if you had any idea about what we could do to magnetize the lake. You ever had any experience like that?

GLEN BRACHSTON: Well, you know, Red, I did have a problem with the fridge once in the R.V. It kept sliding back and forth, kept squishing the cat. So I magnetized it.

RED GREEN: Uh-huh...

GLEN BRACHSTON: But then that was no good, so I had to demagnetize it, because the door, I couldn't get it open.

RED GREEN: Oh, gosh! So how did you demagnetize it?

GLEN BRACHSTON: Well, I took a balloon and I rubbed it against my head and then I touched it. {laughs} I'm just pulling your leg, Red. I'm sorry. No, what I did was, I made an electromagnet. And I hooked it up to the R.V. battery, so it was four times 72 amps.

RED GREEN: You know, something like that just might work, Glen.

GLEN BRACHSTON: Well, I hope not, Red, I'm kinda gettin' used to the phone not ringing.

RED GREEN: Oh, Glen, how can you say that? You got a thousand people mad at ya, you can't do any repairs, and you can't sell any boats!

GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah, I know. I blame the economy.

RED GREEN: Yeah, that's rough.

GLEN BRACHSTON: Huh. We've loved them in.

RED GREEN: They take away your initiative.

GLEN BRACHSTON: What are you gonna do?

RED GREEN: What's the point in tryin'?

GLEN BRACHSTON: What are you gonna do, Red?

RED GREEN: Oh, flaming things.

GLEN BRACHSTON: You go down there and bust your hump and what happens? You got no leisure time. You got no time to enjoy anything. No, all I do is work, work, work, work, work, work, work.

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the Lodge, covered once again in various metal objects.}

RED GREEN: Boy, this is inconvenient! Well, we figured out how to demagnetize the lake. What we're gonna do is, we're gonna make a gigantic electromagnet out of the Possum Van. We've wrapped her with, I think, about 500 yards of tinfoil, and we're gonna hot-wire that whole unit into the local power grid, which we can tap into, we figure, 50 trillion megavolts, which I believe gives us somewhere in the range of 500,000 kilowatts, so... Which will be just enough to exactly demagnetize the lake. Or possibly, reverse the earth's polarity and sending the moon hurtling into the sun.

{A faint rumble of thunder is heard and the lights dim slightly.}

RED GREEN: Oh, here we go.

''{Cut to a view of the lake. A bolt of lightning flashes up out of the lake. Cut back to inside the Lodge. The lights return to full brightness. Red is now completely free of metal objects, but the objects are now stuck to Harold.}''

RED GREEN: {impressed, not noticing Harold} Well! That was a total success!

HAROLD GREEN: {through his teeth; muffled, panicked} Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: {looks at Harold} Holy geez, Harold, what're you, the Terminator or the Tin Man?

HAROLD GREEN: {muffled} My retainer got welded to my filling! Haw! I can't talk!

RED GREEN: {grinning broadly} Oh, now, that's a setback, Harold.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: {muffled} Oh, it's meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, Harold. Don't talk with your mouth fused. You go ahead, I'll be right down.

HAROLD GREEN: {muffled} Okay.

{Harold stumbles toward the back stairs.}

RED GREEN: {to the camera} Well, hopefully, the North Pole is back where it should be: where the sun don't shine. And, uh, that's about it for this show, so if my wife is watching, I'll be coming home straight after the meeting. Maybe we can do a test to see if opposites attract. Might help if we were Polish, right? Lodge humor, gotta love it! {to the audience} And to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and Mr. Magneto-Head and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, thanks so much for watching, keep your stick on the ice. {waves and heads for the stairs}

''{Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Bob walks over to the front of the room, followed closely by Red. They stand in between Harold (still with the metal objects over his body), Glen and Dougie Franklin.}''

HAROLD GREEN: All rise!

{Everyone stands up and cross their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. ''{The men sit down. Red and Harold remain standing.} All right, I guess you realize that all the magnetism has gone from the lake and gone somewhere else... {He gestures toward Harold. The men laugh.}''