Practical Joke Week/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold:

Okay, it's showtime.

Hang on to your hats,

or, for those of you

with satellite dishes,

uh, your tuques,

because it's time

for the beginning of the start

of the "red green show,"

with a lot of regulars

and a couple of occasionals,

but mostly featuring a man who

spends a lot of times outdoors.

Well,

with very good reason.

So, please welcome the star

of the "red green show"

and my uncle, if I might inject

a personal note at this time,

mr. Red green!

Uh, thank you very much.

Thank you, harold.

And, uh,

welcome to the show.

Especially thank you

for tuning us in,

because without you,

I'd just be talking to a wall...

Which reminds me of a story.

Uh, you know,

last weekend up at the lodge,

stinky peterson was doing

everything in his power

to try to get

old man sedgwick's goat,

uh, not realizing that sedgwick

had given the goat away

to help settle

a card-game dispute

that involved a deck

with seven aces in it.

Excuse me, uncle red?

Well, as your producer/director/

concerned nephew,

it just behooves me

at this time

to mention that the story

you are articulating

somewhat is a yawner, actually,

a slash side issue

of this particularly important

juncture in the program.

Oh, really, harold?

So what do you suggest?

Well, I just --

I was wondering if, uh,

many of the viewers have noticed

this piece of equipment

hanging around

my neck/throat.

It is an electronic

effects machine.

It enables me to do this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ laughs ]

so I can go

to a more interesting segment,

which, you know, has every

opportunity and possibility.

Well, this is my show,

uh, harold,

and we won't go to

the next segment until I say so.

Oh, yeah.

Well, yeah, sure, right.

Oh, sorry.

I -- I misunderstood.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ I've dated young women,

I've danced with old men ♪

♪ I've watered

my horse again ♪

♪ and again and again

and again and again ♪

♪ I've rode in new cars,

I've driven old trucks ♪

♪ but none can compare to

the thrill of shooting ducks ♪

♪ shooting ducks ♪

♪ shooting ducks ♪

♪ blast them

out of the sky ♪

♪ blow them to mincemeat

in the wink of an eye ♪

♪ I love shooting ducks

from deep in the blind ♪

♪ but if I ever actually hit

one, I'd likely change my mind ♪

this week, uh,

in the "handyman corner,"

uh, we're gonna show you some

imaginative and some creative

and, even to a certain extent,

thoughtful things

you can do

with a garage-door opener.

Now, uh, a garage-door opener

is a handy piece of equipment,

but the thing that it does worst

is open garage doors.

So rather than just, uh, take it

and throw it in the lake,

uh, what you should do

is use your imagination

and think

of some other applications

of the garage-door opener.

For example, here, uh, I've

hooked up the garage-door opener

to, uh, the door of the, uh --

well, I guess that's a stove

is really what it is.

And, uh, just imagine now that

I'm sitting in my living room,

uh, watching a football game

on television.

And, uh, I've got something

in the oven, so to speak --

maybe a turkey or roast beef

or raccoon or something.

And I want to

check on the dinner,

but I don't want to

miss the game.

With the garage-door opener,

I can, uh, I can just stay back.

And I've got the binoculars

to kind of check

on how the dinner's going.

So, I'll just show you

how it works.

I just hit this like this.

[ motor whirring ]

and, uh, well,

I wonder how the dinner's doing.

No, it's not ready yet.

All I got to do then

is just turn the unit off.

Just, uh, turn the...

Just turn this unit off.

Then you...

[ metal screeching ]

well, uh, I guess

maybe it is dinnertime.

I like that.

I'm getting hungry.

Time to tie on the old feed bag,

I guess.

Well, how many of you

have dreamed about

having your own, uh, personal

elevator right inside your home?

You can do it, uh,

just like I've done here.

And I've mounted

the garage-door opener, uh,

with the chain going up

through a pulley situation,

and then it, uh,

hooks on to a rope

and comes down

to my, uh, basket, cage,

or, uh, elevator enclosure --

whatever you want to call it.

So, uh, when I want to go up to,

say, the second floor,

uh, do whatever it is

that I do on the second floor,

uh, all I have to do is just aim

the garage-door-opener button,

and, uh, I start...

[ clears throat ]

...I start...

I...

All right, well, obviously,

I have to bolt,

uh, the opener to the floor,

uh, because I guess I weigh --

well, of course

I weigh more than -- well, uh...

Uh...

I'm sure that, uh,

you all get the idea, anyways.

[ chuckles ]

uh, it can work.

And a lot of other ideas.

You're only limited by your own,

uh, imagination.

So, until next time, remember --

uh, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least,

uh, find you handy.

[ metal screeching ]

[ crash ]

don't go away

because I want to tell you

what stinky peterson did

to old man sedgwick.

It's the same thing

that uncle red's stories

do to this show.

[ laughs ]

"it is winter.

"the christmas lights are up.

"they frame the house

in twinkling rainbow colors...

From late December to mid-July."

now, as I was saying, uh,

stinky peterson was determined

to play a practical joke

on old man sedgwick,

and, uh, old man sedgwick was

asleep, uh, by the woodstove.

In fact, he had his legs

wrapped right around it

and his face

up against the chimney.

So, stinky sneaks in there

and he opens up the stove

and he drops in

a box of firecrackers

and puts the lid back on

and he goes into the next room

and then he waits, you know?

And then he comes back in

and he opens up the stove

and he takes

the firecrackers out.

And then he starts a fire.

And then

he puts the firecrackers in

and then he goes into

the next room and then he waits.

Well, after about 10 seconds,

they all go off at once.

Booms and bangs

and roman candles zinging out

through the cracks in the stove,

you know?

But, uh, didn't even wake

old man sedgwick up.

He just --

he lay there with his eyes shut,

big smile on his face

until it was all over,

and then he said,

"how was it for you?"

aw...

[ scoffs ]

...No way, uncle red.

As if.

That couldn't --

didn't happen like that.

Not like that, anyway.

Get out of here.

[ laughs ] no way.

Well, all right,

I was embellishing...

For the good of the show,

harold.

Oh.

Oh, excellent.

Like hype.

Oh, okay, yeah,

all right, okay.

I'm with you on that one.

W-a-a-a-a-a!

What are you doing there,

harold?

I was embellishing...

For the good of the show.

Red: While you and I are

going about our daily business,

uh, there's someone out

looking out over the forest

on our behalf

up in the timberland,

up in the hinterland, and

that man is, uh, ranger gord,

from his perch high atop,

right there in his perch,

in his perch up in the tree,

from his perch,

looking over the forest.

He's doing the job for you

and I, and it's ranger gord.

Wow! Another person!

Yep.

Hi!

How are you, gord?

It's me.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, that's okay.

Beggars can't be choosers.

And you brought a cameraman

and everything.

Oh, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi, folks at home.

How you been?

I'm fine.

I miss you a lot.

All right, all right.

Gord, so, uh, what's new

since we were here last, eh?

What's been going on?

Well, uh...

I found out you can see

the forest for the trees.

Oh, for gosh sakes, huh?

That's it?

And, um...

Well, that's a good thing

to find out.

Oh, yeah, and, uh...

Been learning guitar

by mail.

Oh, really?

I know all

the latest hits.

[ clears throat ]

♪ staying alive,

staying alive ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,

staying... ♪

♪ alive ♪

I'm learning all the songs

I have on 8-track.

Oh, that's great.

That's great.

Well, I guess you got to do

something, you know,

to keep your mind busy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You got to do something.

Otherwise, you'd, uh --

you know, I've been up here

for 13 years -- almost 13 years.

Almost 13 years now.

12 years and, uh...

Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh.

Well, um, I'm sorry.

I can understand that.

[ weeping ]

you know, he's been up here

for, uh, 12 years, and, uh...

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

That's perfectly all right.

But, uh, you know, I'm

not completely alone, red.

Oh. Oh.

I have samantha.

[ chuckles ]

oh, now,

who is samantha?

It's not like a bear

or something, is it?

No. Samantha

is a woman, red.

Oh, for gosh sake.

Good for you, huh?

She has a cabin right over

on that next hill there.

She's out most days sunning

herself in her bathing suit.

This way?

Over here, over here.

Oh, there's a cabin.

Yep.

I don't

see anybody, though.

Oh, here.

She's in that big window

out front.

I don't really know

if her name's samantha.

I just imagine

it's samantha.

Yep.

Just knowing she's there

is comforting, though.

I wonder what

her real name is.

Would it be too much

of a coincidence

if it was samantha, huh?

[ laughs ]

yeah, uh, ranger gord,

that's a log.

What?

Well, I can see the window,

and it looks a bit like a woman,

but, uh, that's a log.

No, it's not.

It's a woman!

No, no, that's a log.

Take a look yourself.

I'm in love

with a fallen log.

Well, gord, uh...

I got to get going.

Hey, listen, really good

to see you again, eh?

Come on!

Stick around for a bit.

Well, uh, maybe another time

we'll stay over, okay?

But not this time.

Oh, come on!

I was gonna have a big barbecue.

I got canned corn

and I got some beans

for a special occasion.

I was gonna invite

samantha over.

I guess there's no point

in inviting samantha over now,

is there?

Well, not unless

you need firewood.

Shut up!

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ there are many fine hobbies

a person can do ♪

♪ like collecting things

you find on your shoe ♪

♪ walking on beads

and dancing with sheep ♪

♪ but the guys and me,

we like to sleep ♪

♪ sleep ♪

♪ sleep

through the night ♪

♪ sleep half the day ♪

♪ all night ♪

♪ lie back and sleep

your whole life away ♪

♪ up in the bunkhouse,

snorin' and worse ♪

♪ but the best sleep of all

is a ride in the hearse ♪

oh, uncle red, perfect.

This is great.

It's mailbag time, okay?

So, you choose

the green chair,

'cause I've already chosen

the white chair.

And I have a letter here.

I'll read it out loud,

and you can answer it, right?

'cause that's what we do

on every segment.

We should continue with that.

I mean, if it's convenient

with you.

Just read the letter, harold,

would you?

Okay, all righty.

That's good. That's a yes.

Okay, "dear red --

ever since my husband retired,

"he's been hanging around

the house getting on my nerves.

"he shuffles around at odds,

complaining and grousing.

"it's driving me nuts.

I can't take much more of this.

Is there any hope for me?"

well, harold, uh, this is

something we've heard before,

where a fella retires

and he can't find enough to do.

Uh, what this woman

has to do

is to find a hobby

for her husband.

You know, something to

keep him kind of

interested and occupied.

I suggest

watching television.

It's educational,

it's entertaining,

and, uh, he can do it

day and night,

uh, even when

they have guests over.

Yeah, but, uncle red,

it's not much of a social

activity, really, is it?

Watching tv's okay

every now and then,

but it's really

not a hobby.

Not like, you know, like stamp

collecting or making cabinets

or producing music videos

for new-wave bands.

You know,

something creative like that.

Don't you think that would

be a better suggestion

at this juncture in time?

Don't you think?

Well, uh, all right, harold.

I did, uh,

hear of this one fella

that, when he retired,

he did something he'd wanted

to do his whole life,

which is, uh, which is

carving statues out of wood

with a chain saw.

Uh, it got him outdoors.

Uh, and he would be

carving them out

of those big tree trunks,

you know, so he was getting

his fresh air,

and it was

a creative thing.

And, uh, plus, carrying around

a 40-pound chain saw

really keeps

the old ticker in shape.

40 pounds?!

Well, you need, uh, the saw

with the 6-foot blade on there

to cut through

the heavier woods.

Yeah, but you can't

even lift one of those.

Well, uh, that doesn't matter.

I'm not retired yet.

Now, he would just carve,

uh, strictly catfish.

But you could do

insects or, uh,

even children

with the large, sad eyes.

Oh, I bet you there's

a good market for that, too.

A huge market.

I bet you that's what happened.

I bet you that's --

I bet you there is.

That's what I think.

I bet you.

Well, the catfish sold well.

Uh, they were about 10 feet

long, uh, made of redwood.

Heck of a lawn ornament.

Uh, you know, they looked like

they were actually feeding

right on the lawn there.

I've heard an amusement park

in missouri

bought about 40 of them

and made, uh,

made a huge catfish

merry-go-round.

But, uh, after about

five years of making these,

he'd done

so well with these,

he had enough money to, uh,

buy himself a new chain saw.

Oh! Hey, that's great.

And I bet you that answers

our lady viewer's question.

Yeah, it's a good hobby,

and, uh, if the husband gets

bored with it or something

and he's still getting

on her nerves,

she can just, you know,

use the chain saw on him.

Oh, no, no, uncle red, no.

He's kidding.

Tell her you're kidding,

uncle red.

Don't say things like that.

Tell her you're kidding.

Well, whatever.

He's kidding.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: One of the things, uh,

bill wanted to show you

was how you can survive

in the forest, uh, by fishing.

Uh, even though

you have no equipment,

you can just find things around,

uh, that you can use.

And the first thing

he wants to show you is, uh,

how to do a little spearfishing.

And what you're looking for is,

uh, some sort of a branch

or, uh, a tree limb or --

that one's got

too much of a curve.

You're looking for something

straight.

That's got

too many branches on it.

Oh, now, that looks better.

Oh!

Oh! Oh, boy, oh, boy,

oh, boy, oh, boy.

That smarts. Ooh.

He's okay.

All right, all right.

Don't forget the pole.

All right.

[ crying ]

so, next thing, he's got

to sharpen the end there,

and -- oh, for gosh sake.

Check your knife,

always check your knife for --

see how the water refracts

things, they look bent?

This is what

you got to be careful of

when you're spearfishing.

Oh.

Oh, all right.

Okay, well, that one was --

but you get the idea.

Uh, so, now bill kind of has to

allow for that angle when he --

when he goes for the fish.

I don't know

what that does at all.

I think he's...

There.

I think he's got something.

I think he's got one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, bill's been doing this

a long time.

[ groans ]

[ straining ]

well, sometimes

he knows what he's doing.

Okay.

So, give up

on the spearfishing.

We're gonna try to make

a fishing pole out of this.

And the next thing you need --

well, he needs a line.

Now, bill has

an interesting approach.

He, uh, he uses a thread

right out of his clothes.

Uh, and what he's gonna do is,

uh, I guess put this onto the --

oh, for god's sake.

Uh, put that onto the --

easy there, bill, easy.

Easy, easy, easy, easy,

easy, easy, easy, easy.

All right, all right,

we're okay.

And then -- oh, and look

what he's doing here --

kibitzing around.

That won't work 'cause my

clothes are stapled together.

Uh, he's going --

that bill is a real kidder.

But he's gathering up

the thread.

And I guess he's --

that's probably enough, bill,

don't you think?

Probably enough. Bill? Bill?

Oh, boy.

Oh, god.

All right, he winds that

onto the rod there.

Now what he needs to do

is find some bait,

so he's looking for, uh --

I think he's looking

for a worm here,

looking under rocks.

And nothing there.

What's this?

Worm: Oh.

Oh, my god.

I didn't know --

I wonder why that was --

ouch!

Bill doesn't like putting

the worm on the hook, does he?

Well, god.

[ laughs ]

well, anyway, he's all set.

In he goes.

Throws the bait into the water.

And look at that --

there's a man.

Oh, geez, he's got one.

He's got something there.

He's got something.

Oh, he's -- oh, he's --

wow, it's putting up a fight.

This is a good one.

This is a good one.

Oh, this is great,

this is great.

I like that look

with the pants rolled up.

Careful now, bill. Oh.

Uh, he's all right.

And he hauls her in.

That's a big one.

He's got -- wait a minute.

Oh, for gosh sake.

That'll fit the van.

Then he makes us eat

whatever he catches.

But he's, uh,

happy to share.

More than happy to share,

I think.

"eat it," he says.

"it is winter.

"a little voice says,

'me! Me!'

you're out of windshield-wiper

fluid again."

all right, uh,

at this point,

we'd like to bring the show

to a, uh, to a complete halt

and, uh, give harold

a chance to say a few words.

Harold,

the floor is yours.

Don't mess it up.

[ laughs ]

okay, um,

music videos, right?

Okay, a lot

of so-called educators

and a lot of so-called experts

and a lot of so-called parents

think that

there's too much violence

and too much sex

in music videos.

Well, I would like to say

to them --

you know,

if I could say to them.

They're not here,

but I'm saying to them

if they could hear this, no.

So, uh, sorry.

I agree -- I agree that there's

too much violence in videos,

and granted,

that will not make me popular

with a lot of teenagers,

but I'm not popular

with them now,

so like I care or something.

Yeah, take a minute out of

my busy day and make me care.

I don't.

W-a-a-a!

But, anyway, um, as far

as too much sex in videos goes,

I just like to think that --

well, this is my opinion,

and you're welcome

to share it --

that I think there's

no such thing as too much sex.

[ laughs ]

there's that terrible, terrible

thing called too little sex.

Believe me, I know.

It's horrible.

But music is, like, all about

love and romance, right?

And, well, love and romance

is all leading up to sex, right?

And nobody objects

when they play the song

"don't sit under

the apple tree."

well, I object.

It's a stupid song.

I like the message, though.

I haven't forgotten

the story about, uh,

stinky peterson and

old man sedgwick, so stay tuned.

You can see why

it's so hard

for me to make this show

entertaining.

Uh, dave, why don't we try

hitting the ball?

I got a bat here,

and, uh...

Would you like to, uh,

would you like to hit

or would you like to pitch

on that?

Could I hit?

No, no, what I'm saying is, uh,

would you like to hit the ball

or would you like to pitch?

Hit the ball.

Have you ever tried pitching?

It's a lot of fun to pitch.

No, it isn't.

Yeah, I think it is.

I tell you what we'll do.

You know, um,

why don't we flip a coin?

And then however that goes,

we'll decide who hits

and who pitches, okay?

So, you call it

in the air, okay?

Heads.

No.

All right, so, you know,

it's kind of a lesson in life,

I think, for the youngsters

to see that things

don't always go

the way

you want them to go.

There's

a give-and-take.

Back up a bit, dave.

I'm gonna

pitch to myself now,

because otherwise, he's never

gonna give me anything to hit.

All right, dave,

you ready?

Now, get under it.

Where's your helmet?

Oh, never mind.

Okay, here we go.

Just a nice soft one.

Hey, come

and get that, dave?

The thing is here that with

the kid -- they got the energy.

They don't know

what to do with it.

I say to them, "come on out

and play with me,

and then your energy

will get used, believe me."

okay, dave.

You all set?

Yep.

You look kind of tired.

All right.

Now, the thing is there that,

uh, he gets out.

He gets some fresh air. He gets

some exercise of the legs.

They're getting

moved around.

[ breathing heavily ]

mind you, you know, I'm getting

kind of old for this.

Anyway, I get to spend some time

with the young fella,

and he gets to learn, uh,

what growing up is all about.

So, anyway, uh,

stinky peterson

kept playing practical jokes

on old man sedgwick

the whole evening,

but, you know,

the old guy never got riled.

I mean, even after dinner there,

where he was scraping the

shaving cream off of his pie.

He said to stinky,

"you know, stinky,

"if you want to

grow old gracefully,

"you got to find a way

to just accept life

and not get upset about pranks,

you know?"

and stinky

was still mulling that over

when he went to bed

and then found out

that his sheets and his mattress

had been frenched.

But he didn't really notice that

because his pajamas

were so full of itching powder,

you know, and then,

of course, the bed collapsed

and he went right down

through the cutaway floorboards,

bounced off

the naugahyde recliner,

out through the front window,

and headfirst

into the septic tank.

And old man sedgwick yelled down

to the septic tank,

"oh, yeah,

revenge is good, too."

live and learn...

And the doctors say he will.

Anyway, uh,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home,

and I'm bringing another

bunch of flowers tonight.

Uh, I do this

a few times a year

'cause I'm really not too sure

when our anniversary is,

and this way, everybody wins.

So, thanks for watching

the show, and until next time,

on behalf of myself

and harold over here,

uh, and the whole gang

up at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

Gord:

♪ smoke on the water ♪

♪ staying alive, staying alive ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

[ vocalizes

"sunshine of your love" ]