Toe The Line/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, leaving the guy in

charge of watching the baby

is always dangerous.

They cry; they whine;

they're always hungry;

and they're too helpless

to take care of themselves.

And it's the same

thing with the baby.

It's a focus thing.

There are very few things

that a guy will stare at.

And if he's married,

there are even fewer.

But one of 'em is whatever

you got under the hood.

For some reason a man

is drawn to an open hood

the same way a moth is

drawn to my sock drawer.

[ baby gurgling/crying ]

those guys don't have

a clue how that

thing works,

but neither one of 'em

wants to be the first

to admit it

by looking away.

[ crying ]

now that my baby-sitters

are in place,

I can go grab

a quick nine holes.

[ siren blasting ]

[ baby crying ]

[ baby crying ]

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Got a bit of a problem

this week up at the lodge.

My wife bernice is in a

line-dancing competition,

and her partner

is buster hadfield.

You know, bernice tells me

that I'm not a very

good dancer.

I always thought that

I was light on my feet,

but she says I'm

pretty heavy on hers, so...

Hi, uncle red.

So what's the favour

that you need?

Hello, harold.

How are you today?

What's the favour?

Can we not exchange

pleasantries,

a little greeting,

is that too much

to ask?

I'm fine.

What's the favour?

[ sigh ]

well, okay.

Do you know what

line dancing is?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's that show you

always make fun of on tv.

You know, you say it

looks like a bunch

of fat losers

stepping

on cockroaches.

No, you know,

that's just my

sense of humour.

Oh, ha!

See, coz I always thought

that humour had to be funny,

so...

Okay, harold,

the point is...

Your aunt bernice has

always been nice to you

when there's been

no reason to, okay.

Well, she has

a problem.

I'm looking at him.

Harold, she's made

it to the finals of the

line dancing competition

but now her partner's

come down with the flu.

Oh, and you want

me to fill in!

Yes!

Am I the first

person you asked?

Absolutely.

Boy, that's very nice.

Thank you.

But I can't.

Ah, c'mon, harold,

everybody else

turned me down!

Hey!!

I dunno how

to line dance!

Any idiot

can line dance.

Is that you

volunteering?

Harold, c'mon, you

gotta do this for me.

I'll owe ya.

You'll owe me huge!

I'll owe

you huge, harold.

Oh, I love this.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize

is a 5% discount

off the regular

$150 ticket price

to the possum lake

historical museum,

where our motto is:

Your value is history.

Okay, cover your

things, uh, ed.

Okay, mr green,

you got 30 seconds

to get animal control

officer, ed frid,

to say this word...

Yeah,

all right, mike.

And go!

Uh, okay, ed,

how would you describe

what you see a lot in

your job as animal

control officer?

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

No, no, no, okay, um...

Okay, no, I'm talking

about like roadkill.

You see a dead raccoon on the

road, what's that called?

Justifiable homicide.

No, okay, okay.

Let's say my income was

$100,000 before expenses,

that would be

my "something" income.

Fabricated income.

Okay, no, okay,

when hollywood

makes a movie,

what do they expect

to be really big?

The...

Oh, implants!

Okay, no, okay.

When you have 12 eggs,

you have a dozen.

But when you have

12 dozen eggs, you have a...

Frat party!

Uh, we're almost

outta time, mr green.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Um, I want you to imagine old

man sedgwick skinny dipping.

What do you see?

Shaved albino weasel?

No, but remember

you ran over a weasel

last year with your lawn mower,

you remember that?

Uh, yeah, actually I

spent a year in therapy

trying to forget.

Thank you, red.

Okay, okay, okay.

When you went to clean it up,

it was just too...

Much work.

I figured, you know,

I'd just wait until the

grass grows over it.

It's in there!

I heard it!

It's in there!

Do you know

what time it is?

Well, unless you're

on scheduled medication,

it really doesn't matter.

Welcome to

harold's hobby house!

Where my guest is bad-guy-

turned-good-guy, mike hamar.

Mike, tell us

about your hobby.

Okay, okay, well...

I used to have a really

great stamp collection

for a  while,

but I decided to give it

back to its legal owner

in return for

a reduced sentence.

So now I like to

collect things that

tell a story.

Old keys.

Oh, okay.

Keys from history.

I like to say,

every key unlocks a story.

Every key

unlocks a heart.

Awwwww!

That's so poetic!

You've got a

very deep soul.

Did you create

that yourself?

I - I read it

on a place mat.

So are these historical

keys, like castles

and dungeons

and famous buildings

and...

Uh, chastity belts?

Uh, yeah, things

like that, yeah.

Except for the

chastity belts,

I decided to donate

those to chastity.

Ha, I think you mean

you donated them

to charity.

No, charity

was her sister.

Actually, she was more

popular because she

gave tax receipts.

Okay...

Well, do you have

any medieval keys, or...

Well, as a

matter of fact,

uh, no.

Do you have any

famous building keys?

Oh, uh, okay, how about a

famous ivy league university?

Yale.

That's the lock

company, mike.

I thought you said

these keys tell stories.

Well, they do!

Um, um, okay, um.

Oh, yeah, this is the

key to the liquor store.

And this was the key

to the handcuffs.

Oh, this is the key

to the cop car.

Okay, okay, mike!

These are just keys

you used to commit crimes.

Used to!

Past tense.

That's why I was always

tense in the past.

That key looks

pretty new to me.

And that one and

that one and this o --

that's the key

to my room!

Oh, I may have brought

the wrong bucket here.

No, don't --

that's the key

to my scooter,

and that's the key

to my briefcase.

Mike, I'm gonna

want these back.

So make me an offer.

Okay, I'm offering not

to phone the police.

That's the

key phrase.

[ cheers and applause ]

you ever notice that when you

have a car for a long time

it starts

to look like you?

I've had this convertible

for 30 years.

And by now the top is so

tattered you can see right

through most of it.

And you can't

put a hat on a car.

Oh, sure, I suppose you could

just buy a new convertible top,

if money is no object.

But what if money

is an object,

a huge object?

A huge, mysterious object

that isn't part of your

universe.

Is a guy on a fixed income

not supposed to have

nice things?

Not necessarily.

Every handyman loves that

new duct taped car smell.

But there's a couple of

drawbacks with this solution.

On a windy day, your hair's

going to stick to the

inside of the roof.

And when you go

to put the top down,

it sounds like you bending

over in a rental tux.

[ ripping sound ]

but rather than

get all depressed

and decide the

world is against you,

and start hitting the booze

and writing country songs,

why not use this

as a chance to upgrade?

Because you know, there's

something fancier and

more luxurious

than a convertible.

It's called

a hideaway hard-top,

a removable roof.

Step one:

Go into your garage.

[ clanging and banging ]

or somebody's garage,

and get yourself a

garage door opener.

Okay, next step is

to remove the trunk lid.

It's as easy as pie.

Mind you, I don't bake.

Oh! Hot! Hot!

I decided to duct tape the

garage door opener

onto the hood

rather than weld it

on with the torch.

Just seemed

like a better idea

and I took the rollers

off the garage door

and mounted them on the

sides of my trunk lid.

That way she'll

be able to roll easily

up and down the track.

Now I just hook the cable

onto the front edge here.

Oh, look at that, a rust hole

in exactly the right spot.

Some things are

just meant to be.

And to bring the roof back

when I want to go topless,

I've got a bungee cord running

off the back bumper.

[ canada geese honking ]

uh-oh!

More threatening than rain...

Canada geese.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you in a snazzy car.

You know, as guys get older

they tend to get crankier

and they find that nobody

wants to spend time with them.

This is not

a coincidence.

People would rather bite

into an apple than

an onion, okay.

So don't turn into

a crabby, old dink.

And don't tell me all your

friends are dead.

They're probably just

using that as an excuse.

Now, people may believe

they have no control

over their moods,

but chances are you made

yourself miserable,

so you have to make

yourself happy.

Yeah, I know horrible

stuff happened to you.

A tornado flattened

your house,

somebody left

the fridge door open.

Horrible stuff happens

to everybody.

Look at harold.

But maybe it's

not that horrible.

Sure you got

more aches and pains,

but those will prevent you

from doing things

that can

really hurt you.

Maybe you're an inch or two

shorter than you used to be.

But you've reduced your

chances of being struck

by lightning.

No matter how bad things get

just stop and think,

hey, my pants

aren't on fire.

And smile a lot.

There's only two times

when you shouldn't smile...

When there's a bad smell

and any time your

wife's not smiling.

Often those occur

simultaneously.

So lighten up.

If you don't have a joke,

be a joke.

Look at harold.

The point is you wanna

hear people laughing,

even if it's at

your expense.

You can afford it,

you crabby old dink.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in

this together.

If your fuse panel

causes a brownout,

call an electrician.

If your septics

causes one,

call me.

Well, talk about

havin' a good day.

I got harold to agree

to be bernice's

substitute partner for

the line dancing contest.

So she's happy.

And then I sent him over

there to practice with her,

so I'm happy.

[ wolf whistles

and cheers ]

what are you doi ''

here, harold?

Well, she cancelled

the practice.

What?

Yeah, she's coming down

with the flu.

Oh, she's going

to be okay.

She's just not going

to be able to compete

in the line dance

competition.

Oh... Well, I guess that's

the end of that, eh?

Which is too bad,

coz $1,000 is a

lot of money.

Pardon me?

First prize is $1,000.

Well, w-w-wait

a minute.

We could still compete.

W-w-we?

Who we still?

You and I.

You and I.

You and I

as a couple.

A couple!

Yeah.

Couple of what?

A couple of

winners, harold.

C'mon we can --

we gotta do this, eh?

I'll owe you huge.

You'll owe me

gi-normous!

That's fine.

C'mon, you gotta

show me all the steps.

Well, aren't you afraid how

bad you'll look line dancing?

No, I'm afraid how

bad you'll look

in a skirt.

Oh --

red: You know, I never

played socc -- oops.

Never played

soccer as a kid,

so bill and I were supposedly

going to play some soccer.

Kind of ran over

the soccer ball there,

so it may --

he said,

don't worry about it.

He's got another one

in his pants.

I thought he meant

soccer ball.

Wow.

Thank gosh for medicare.

Okay, well, how're we

gonna blow that up, bill?

Ah, no problem.

Okay. Wow.

No, thanks.

You handle the pump

until it dries.

I should'a told bill I was

gonna pull the needle out

because it relieves the

pressure, and --

nah, he's fine.

He's fine.

And you know, the thing

about soccer is

I think you need

to play it as a young man.

I think it may possibly be

a young man's --

it might be a

young man's game.

I think takin' the game up

at 50 is probably kinda dumb.

And you know, it's not

as easy as it looks.

So I had an idea.

I just tried to

help bill up,

or he tried to

help me down --

I'm not sure how that --

I'll just tow you.

So the idea was that I would

duct tape the hockey stick

to the handle of the pump

and we'd get a little

more leverage,

'cause what I wanted to do

was really over-inflate

this ball.

I wanted the balls to be a

little bit larger.

Uh, you know, I may possibly

have overdone it a bit

on the size of the ball.

Now we're both afraid

it's gonna blow,

and it was the

pump that went.

We got a great idea;

we got the ball out there.

And the reason that

we need such a big ball

is that we're not

gonna kick this ball.

It's not soccer,

it's soc-car

now you're talkin'.

All right,

so this is my goal.

I get down to this end,

and here we go!

Down the other end.

And bill reaches

for the trunk button.

And bang!

Up and over.

I go down, and I come out

the back end of the van,

and then he's got

the door goin' good.

And he hit the post!

And then he hits her

again -- shoots her again.

We have very poor

defence on our team.

And he still keeps

hitting that post.

So I come up, and I've got

the hockey stick on the door,

and I give her

a good banger,

and up she goes.

And now he grabs the hood

release and flips

her backwards.

A great shot!

Wow!

And now he spins around.

I'm comin' right at

the darn thing.

Headed straight at him.

Thing goes right under

the hood.

Now, bill, you can't

drive it in!

You gotta punch it in.

Red card! Red card! Red card!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't mind the game,

but the celebration kills you.

No, this isn't some kind of

weird same-sex wedding gift.

It's the hose off

a vacuum cleaner.

I've extended it a bit

coz I'm gonna use it to

depopulate this beehive.

When it comes to

the birds and the bees,

I'll take the

birds any day.

[ crow cawing ]

this vacuum hose will

be like a tiny casino.

The bees won't be able to pass

by without being sucked in.

Now we just add

a little patience.

You know that guy who sang

that waiting is the

hardest part?

He sure wasn't

a lodge member.

[ vacuum continues

sucking ]

ah, there we go.

That was the queen.

Well, mission accomplished.

Or as shakespeare

would say,

hey, you sons of bs,

where's they sting?

You're probably wondering,

what do I do now?

Now that I've got hundreds

of bees inside my

vacuum cleaner.

Well, up at the lodge,

we're environmentally friendly.

We have a catch

and release programme.

[ cheers and applause ]

yep, you are looki ''

at the new possum

lake area

line dancing champions.

Thank goodness there

was no urine test.

That was fun.

That was fun.

I enjoyed being

a girl.

Uh-huh.

Well, it's not a

huge stretch for you.

Speaking of huge.

You owe me huge.

Yes, I do, harold, and

I'm gonna pay you huge.

You know that

$1,000 prize?

Yeah.

I'm gonna give

it to you.

All of it?

All of it.

The whole shebang.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, uncle red.

Ohhhhhhhh!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Oh, that is

so generous.

Yeah, well,

you earned it, harold.

I mean,

you were great.

Great eye contact

with the judges.

Your leg kicks

were incredible.

I mean, you really

sold it.

I did, didn't I?

You liked

the leg kicks?

Yeah.

But you know,

if you ever do

that again,

you might wanna make

another choice

in underwear.

But still, giving me

entire $1,000, uncle red.

You know what?

I'm gonna buy you something

with part of this money.

Okay. Okay.

Well, as it turns out,

it's not

$1,000 cash, okay.

It's $1,000 worth of

line dancing lessons.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead,

tami-sue, I'll be

right down.

[ applause ]

okay, if my

wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And don't worry,

I'm gonna take care of you.

I'm a good enough line dancer

to know where the line is,

even though I may dance

around it a little.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and haroldine

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down!

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change

if I have to...

I guess.

All right, men, apparently

harold has a brief

announcement.

I have been receiving a lot of

unsolicited attention lately.

Yes, the flowers

have been nice,

but I do want to remind you

that I am engaged

and I am a lady.

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