Lost Toupee/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold: Okay, you can

just start the camera move

when you hear my voice.

Unless it's already started.

Oh, it has!

It's started!

Oh, should we start this again?

What?

Okay, we'll just cut this part,

then, right?

Okay, okay, okay, we'll do that.

You can look far and wide --

I don't care where you look --

but you're not gonna find anyone

better to host this show

than my uncle, red green,

because his name happens to be

red green,

which is the name of the show,

and he's perfect for the job

because of his name's the same.

Here he is -- red green!

Thank you very much.

Welcome to the show,

and thanks for the opportunity

to make your day.

I'd like to introduce

my producer/director

and also my nephew, harold.

Harold,

come on over here.

Harold also does many

of the varied electronic-video

type effects on the show.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

Like that.

Sorry.

He couldn't get a job

at cable tv.

We had a heck of a time

up at the lodge last night.

Old man sedgwick decided

he was gonna wash his hair.

Or rather, he wanted us

to wash it for him

while he went down to the bingo

in a borrowed hat.

So he just left the toupee

sitting by the front door

wrapped around

a shampoo bottle.

Nobody would touch it.

Uncle red,

how long is this story?

Like, in human years.

Oh, the story

doesn't concern you, harold.

No, no,

but the duration does,

'cause our viewers live

in a fast-paced world,

and they demand

fast-paced television.

Such as?

Such as going

to the next segment, like this.

You'll thank me later.

No, I won't.

I was talking

to the viewers.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ bacon drippings,

bacon drippings ♪

♪ bacon drippings, bacon ♪

♪ if you want to call a song

"bacon drippings" ♪

♪ I'm sorry -- it's been taken ♪

♪ ohhh ♪

excellent. That went better

than I'd hoped.

Red:

This week in "handyman corner,"

we're going to show you

how to make your very own

adjustable bed.

You know,

they say that you spend

about a third of your life

asleep,

even more if you're in school.

So it's important

that you have a comfortable bed

that fits right

to your own contours,

no matter what size

your contours are.

So I'm gonna show you how to

save yourself a lot of money

and make your own

adjustable bed.

What you need, first of all,

is a couple of pieces

of 1/2-inch or 5/8-inch plywood.

This is some scrap lumber

that I found.

Now, what you want to do

is create a hinge

between the two halves,

and you do that using

the handyman's secret weapon...

Duct tape.

All right, well,

you can see here,

I'm just finishing up

the taping for my hinge.

I have this end of the bed

supported by my collectibles,

and on this end,

I have three car jacks.

Three jacks beats two pair.

Now what I do is I just

throw my mattress on there.

And, uh...

I have myself, uh...

A homemade adjustable bed.

Ahh.

You want to talk about comfort.

Well, if that isn't comfort,

I don't know what is.

I can't feel

any part of my back now,

a lot of it is due to this bed.

So there you have it.

That's the trick.

Nothing really particular

or fancy about it,

but it works great.

So, until next time,

remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

We'll be right back,

'cause I know you want to find

out what happened to the toupee.

We can't limit ourselves

to what uncle red knows.

We got a whole half-hour

to fill.

You know, harold,

we got talking the other night,

a bunch of us,

you know, about who we thought

the sexiest woman alive was.

[ laughs ]

you think this way sometimes,

don't you?

Sometimes?

Most of the time.

Yeah? Really, eh?

Who did you say?

Well, doris day.

Oh, she is.

She's very sexy.

You ever see her

in "pillow talk"?

Yes, with rock hudson.

Rock hudson.

And tony randall.

Really?

Yes. In "pillow talk."

and then she drove

some convertible

into a swimming pool

one time.

Oh. Oh, that was the one

with james garner.

You got it mixed up.

You think -- who's your --

doris day.

Doris day.

Still her.

Who do you think?

Carol o'connor.

That's a guy.

Um, carol channing.

Carol channing.

That's a guy, too.

Oh. Um...

Lynn swann?

"it is winter.

"on the front lawn,

a big, round, white figure.

"his nose is a carrot.

His eyes black coal.

"his mouth is a potato.

His ears are sticks.

We have the world's

ugliest postman."

well, anyway, the bunch of us

are sitting around,

staring at

old man sedgwick's toupee

like it was a muskrat that

had gone through the lawnmower.

He was expecting us to wash it,

but nobody was volunteering,

mainly because we couldn't

remember old man sedgwick

ever washing the toupee,

so the disease potential

was way up there.

And it didn't help

when buster hadfield

said he saw it move.

But we couldn't just leave it

lying on the porch,

because the wood

was starting to stain.

Uncle red,

yeah, like, what?

So finally, somebody washed it,

or nobody ever washed it,

and life went back to normal

the way it was before

the incident ever occurred.

Wa-a-a, right?

Thanks for sharing

that great story with us.

Maybe I'll be just be

waiting for that one

to hit the big screen.

[ laughs ]

can we just get on

with the next segment,

in our humble way

of trying to save the show?

So, finally,

stinky peterson figured out

how to wash the darn thing...

The viewers are gone,

uncle red.

They're watching

the next segment.

But they'll be back.

They think the story's over.

Gord: Hello?

Oh, hello!

Mr. Green!

This is such a surprise.

Please, please, come in,

and welcome.

Well, thank you,

ranger gord.

This is kind of important work

that you do up here,

looking after our forests,

and we just like to drop by,

show our appreciation.

Well, thank you.

That's very touching.

Yeah, yeah.

Please excuse the mess.

No, no, that's fine.

I notice you call me

mr. Green.

You don't have to do that.

Just call me red.

It'll be fine.

Oh.

Thank you.

Red.

I feel we're becoming

very close friends.

I like that.

It's warming.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no.

So, gord, how has the forest-

ranger business been lately?

Well, there's a lot of staring

into the woods with this job.

Yeah, yeah.

That's always hectic.

And it's a lot

of responsibility.

Yeah, yeah,

I suppose it is.

You could just look away

for a split second

and miss

a forest fire, huh?

That's right.

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

A split second.

[ clears throat ]

well, maybe not a split second,

you know?

Maybe that would be

a flash fire.

Flash fire. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And one of my other problems

is that when I fall asleep,

I'll use my video camera here at

night, so I'll tape the woods,

and then I can play it

back again the next day.

Oh, so you've been up here

a while, then.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've been up here now for, uh...

[ sobbing ]

I've been up here

for 12 years.

Oh, my.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It hasn't been easy,

you know?

No, no, no.

The last time I went anywhere

was 12 years ago.

Oh, my god.

Yeah.

That was to a

kc & the sunshine band concert.

Oh, my.

I love

kc & the sunshine band.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

How's their career

been doing?

Oh, about the same as yours,

really.

Oh, great.

♪ 'cause that's the way,

uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it ♪

♪ uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ that's the way... ♪

sorry, ranger gord,

but it's getting on in time.

We got to get going.

But thanks a lot for --

why? Why?

You just got here.

No, no, we just got --

well, I got to move on.

No, no, come on, please.

Don't go so fast.

No, no, gord, gord...

[ voice breaking ] don't.

I made sandwiches!

I-I made finger sandwiches.

Maybe we can drop by

another time, eh?

We'll have

the sandwiches then.

Okay. Great.

You're coming back, then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great.

Yeah.

What about tomorrow

at 2:15?

'cause the sandwiches

will keep, I think.

Uh, well, I --

we could try.

Don't want to make

any promises.

Great. Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow, then.

No, no, I said we'll try.

Done.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

you can join in this one.

Oh, excellent.

♪ don't marry a woman

with stuff between her teeth ♪

♪ her teeth ♪

♪ make sure she flosses above

and beneath ♪

♪ up and down ♪

♪ regular brushing

is the only good way ♪

♪ you don't want to see

what she's eaten that day ♪

♪ not for me, thank you ♪

♪ 'cause whenever she smiles,

it's like a buffet ♪

♪ don't marry a woman ♪

♪ with stuff between

her te-e-e-e-eth ♪

[ laughs ]

excellent, uncle red.

That's excellent.

I just took the letters

out of the mailbag.

I was gonna read them out loud,

and you walk in to answer them.

That's excellent.

This is working really well.

This is fantastic.

This is a very

well-produced program.

I just want to say that

up front,

'cause I truly believe that.

Wa-a-a!

Letter number one.

"dear red green --"

that's excellent. They used

your name and everything.

"my wife and I have been married

for 29 years.

"our sex life was great

for a long time,

"but for the past 28 years,

it's been heavy slogging.

What do you recommend

to revitalize our love life?"

well, harold,

a situation like this,

I kind of recommend that they

use what we call fantasies,

where the husband

and the wife

pretend that they're

different people.

Preferably, people

with a better love life.

For example, now,

he could pretend that he's

a knight in shining armor,

and she could be

the milkmaid.

Oh, or, like, he could be

the parcel-toting mailman,

and she could be

the startled sunbather.

Or you know

what's another good one?

He's the pizza delivery boy,

and she's the divorcee

who lost her coupons.

Or, if they find that

getting repetitive,

they could kind of

mix and match.

He could be the pizza mailman

in shining armor,

and she could be the startled

milkmaid who lost her coupon.

A lot of people say that this is

like cheating, but it's not.

It's a lot safer.

Yeah.

Another suggestion

is that you might want to try,

like, silk underthings

or peekaboo nightgowns.

Yeah.

And if that doesn't work,

then he could get his wife

to wear those.

That's true.

Okay. I've got another letter,

uncle red.

"dear red -- first, do you

believe, as einstein said,

"that god does not play dice

with the universe

"and that all reality

is ultimately knowable,

"or does heisenberg's

uncertainty principle

"and the quark theory prove

"that there are intrinsic

physical limits to resolution

"that prove free will exists

and precludes determinism?

"my second question is,

"when you went trout fishing

on your last show,

"what kind of lure

did you use?"

signed, arthur.

All right, harold.

I'd like to answer the second

question first, if I may.

We used a mepps crazy spooner

on a metal leader

with about a 25-pound test line,

I guess it was.

The crazy spooner is really

the excellent lure for trout,

because it shows up so well

in the fast-moving water.

That lure was given to me,

interestingly enough,

by a female arm-wrestler

at a bar in the yukon.

It was new year's eve 1959

during a boiled-egg-eating

contest.

I was losing the contest

real bad,

and then she just kind of

dropped the lure into my shorts

there and gave me a wedgie.

And I gasped so hard,

I sucked in

about nine more eggs

and won the contest,

winning first prize,

which was

a stuffed muskrat.

And I believe that answers

the first question.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: This week,

on "adventures with bill,"

bill wanted to show you --

oh, there's bill now.

Yeah, yeah.

He wanted to show you

how to build a shelter

using a parachute.

That's a parachute.

I don't think he paid

full retail for that one.

Now, the first job

is to get the parachute to open.

So he's gonna go

up the ladder there.

And he has a lot of fun and --

look out, bill.

Oh.

Maybe that was a bad spot

for the ladder,

you know, in hindsight.

Now we've got another spot.

He's gonna -- he's hoping

that the chute will open

just in this...

It didn't work real well,

you know.

So now he's -- he asked me

if I would sort of,

what we call a manual

disenfoldment technique.

It's a military kind of a move.

And, boy, there's a lot

of material in those.

They're like moose thompson's

pants.

A windy day.

I don't think, you know,

in retrospect,

I wouldn't have tried to do this

on such a high windy...

But then, bill, he said,

"no, no, this is a perfect..."

oh, see, there's...

Well, I didn't want to argue

with him.

He had the hook there

hanging from his belt,

and I didn't notice this either,

but this...

I didn't know if it was

part of the plan or what.

And then, well,

the wind took and --

now, at this point,

I'm thinking, you know,

what exactly is bill's plan?

Aah!

To the average person,

that would look like he

might have been out of control.

It's so darn hard

to tell with bill, you know?

Instead of a shelter,

this was more of a mobile home

at this point

that he was encountering.

Yeah, he was getting

quite a ways away.

Look out, look out,

look out, look out!

[ grunts ]

uh...

Now, here,

this part of the plan,

I'm just saying to myself,

"bill..."

ow!

Ohhh.

"is this really necessary?"

aah!

But I guess he was

just picking the right spot

to build the shelter,

because he eventually

brought her to a halt

and finally found a spot that

I guess more suited his liking.

Ahh.

And don't worry about him.

He's fine.

"it is winter.

"my car is safely nestled

in a ditch.

"I stand behind it

and warm my face in the exhaust.

It feels good,

but it makes lunch taste funny."

[ clears throat ]

at this point in the show,

I step out of the limelight

and kind of bring in a lemon.

Um, okay.

All right.

Celebrity profiles.

Okay?

Um, this is a magazine

that teenagers read,

and it's got, like,

celebrity profiles in it.

But they haven't got around

to me yet.

That's weird, eh?

The reason I figure is 'cause

they have no idea who I am.

Which will certainly

delay things,

you know, understandably.

But rather than wait for them

to come to me,

I've decided to do my own

celebrity profile today.

Wa-a-a!

Okay.

All righty, here we go.

Full name -- harold dortman

spooner mepps green.

Cool, eh?

Age -- 18.

Oh, no. Um, 17.

18?

What -- what month is this?

Thursday?

19. I'm 19.

Okay, major turn-ons.

Fast women in loose clothes.

And nintendo.

Wa-a-a!

Major turn-offs --

um...Let's see.

People with tans,

getting beaten up, insincerity,

and, I guess, thermonuclear war

would be pretty turn-off-ish.

Okay.

Um, favorite color.

Wa-a-a!

Dark chocolate brown, for sure.

Yeah, that's so cool.

[ chuckles ]

favorite food --

dark brown chocolate.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

That was cool!

See that?

Two things that match!

That was so cool -- I didn't

even plan that or nothing.

It just -- that was cool.

What a moment we shared.

Okay.

Last book read --

"gravity's rainbow," by...

By thomas pynchon.

No, no, no.

You know what it was?

It was the instructions to

my digital-watch nintendo game.

That was hard, too.

And proudest accomplishment?

Hmm.

Oh, well, that's easy.

Producing this show.

No! No!

Understanding the instructions

to my digital-watch

nintendo game.

Yeah, for sure.

I know we have

some teenagers watching tonight,

'cause maybe the cable's

on the fritz

and this is the only channel

you can get.

But I want to take

this opportunity

to talk to you young people

about the idea of leaving home.

I know there's a lot of appeal

in the idea

of having your own place

where your parents

can't hassle you

about where you got

all those stereos,

where you can have some privacy

to plan bank robberies

or maybe have divorcées up

on p.D. Days.

Before you go moving out,

I want you to think about

how much it must be

costing your parents

to have you live at home,

and how miserable it's making

their lives to have you there,

and it all kind of works out,

doesn't it?

Another you should remember is,

as your parents get older,

they start losing it.

And eventually,

they end up willing everything

to the kid who stayed home

the longest.

[ clears throat ]

make sure it's you.

I'm sure a lot of you want to

find out about the toupee,

and I won't disappoint you.

Yes, he will.

I'm gonna finish the story,

harold.

I know.

Harold, you know,

you can do whatever you want

when it comes

to getting yourself a car

or anything else, really.

It's none

of my business, eh?

Right.

But I would advise you

not to buy anything new.

Go used.

Well, no, if it's used,

that means it's so old.

No, it's not old.

What they've done is they've

found the problems

and they've fixed them

so you don't

have to pay for that.

Well, what if

they didn't fix them?

Maybe they only found them

and left them there

hidden for you.

Well, you're gonna get that

with a new.

Well, that's true.

That's what they say

when you buy a lemon.

You buy a lemon,

and you get the squeeze.

[ laughs ]

and the pits.

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

And then the rind.

Oh, no.

No, you'd have to drive

to germany for that.

We're up here

at jimmy mcveigh's place

to see how he's doing

with his boat restoration.

He's not home yet.

He works at the post office,

kind of finances

the boat thing...

Oh, here he is right now.

Hey, jim,

how are you doing?

What do you want?

How's it going today?

Huh?

If you're

another one of them boys

that are here to complain

about not getting your letters,

you can talk

to the supervisor.

No, jim, jim, it's me.

Oh, how you doing, red?

Doin' fine.

I thought you were one of them

demented nitpickers

that are always complaining

if they don't get every single

bloody issue of --

no, no, no, no.

I just wanted to see

how you're doing on the boat.

'cause you've been working

on this baby for a while,

haven't you?

I have indeed.

Mind you, it has been

a labor of love.

Six and a half years

of it.

Six and a half years.

But now I'm putting on

a big push.

I am hoping to finish her

by this weekend.

Really?

What do you have left

to do on that?

There's not too much left

when you think about it.

Really?

No.

The windshield here.

And the flagpole.

I don't see

an engine back here.

Bit of the engine and the hull

and the cabin.

Yeah, yeah.

What is this here?

This is what you --

this is known as...

Gee, there's a few letters

on the bottom of this here.

Something for me?

This here is known

as tinted lexan.

Lexan.

This stuff here, they say,

is stronger than steel.

For god's sake.

It's absolutely impossible

to cut.

Really?

I mean, geez, I had

a hell of a job getting this,

let me tell you.

Yeah?

Where'd you get it?

I finally had to kick it

out of a phone box.

You took this

out of a phone booth?

I did indeed, yes.

I mean, I phoned up

the phone company.

See, red, I phoned them up,

fair enough,

and I asked them,

"where do you get

all that strong glass

you put in the phone boxes?"

and would they tell me?

[ chuckles ]

not bloody likely.

Oh, god.

So what else could I --

what else could I do?

I had to kick

the bloody thing out.

That's larceny.

No, it's lexan.

I mean, I figured

I didn't steal this stuff.

No?

No, I earned it.

I mean, you try cutting this

stuff here out of a phone box

with cops up and down the road

every 10 minutes.

This is gonna be

one side of the windshield.

That just should do

about perfect.

You know,

the only problem is now

I'm gonna need another bit

for the other side.

You gonna get

some more lexan?

There's a phone box

about a mile down the road.

I'm gonna go down and get

another bit for the windshield.

Oh, I wanted to talk to you

about the boat.

I'll tell you what, red.

Come here.

You wait here till I come back

again with the other windshield,

and here. Look.

I'll tell you

what I'll do.

You have a read

at some of them.

It'll keep you occupied

till I get back, right?

All right.

So anyway, uh, stinky peterson

managed to get old man

sedgwick's toupee washed.

He picked it up

with a pair of barbecue tongs,

dropped it into a minnow pail,

and then he hooked it onto

the anchor of the aluminum boat

and towed it around the lake

for an hour and a half or so.

But then when he pulled

the minnow pail back in,

the toupee was gone.

And old man sedgwick

was pretty mad,

because by now, he was getting

terminal hat head.

But we have a lead

on the hairpiece.

'cause we heard

that a guy up the lake

caught a bass that looked

exactly like howard cosell.

Except it was a smallmouth.

So, if my wife is watching,

I'm gonna come

straight home after the show.

And I'll be picking up

a dozen doughnuts,

and if the traffic's

not too bad,

there may be one left for you.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.