Ranger Harold/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, whenever

I go to a tractor pull

or a monster truck rally,

or whatever,

my wife always tries to

balance it out by forcing me

to go to a play

or a ballet or something.

Oh, sure, I try

to weasel out of it,

but you can only pretend to

have appendicitis so many times

before they catch on.

And you know, I'd be fine if

I could just sit quietly

in my chair

and go to sleep while the guys

in the tights are flitting

around the stage

in their swan costumes.

But, man, she's

watching me like a hawk, eh?

To make sure I'm applauding

at all the right spots,

not just when

it's finally over.

So I have to pretend

I'm enjoying it.

And faking enjoyment

is not something men do.

So here's the answer...

Take the windshield wiper

assembly out of your car

during a dry spell.

Then you wanna thread the

wipers through the elbows

of your sports jacket.

Hook the motor up to one of

these clapper switches,

and power the whole unit from

this homemade battery belt.

Make sure you don't get a short

while you're wearing this,

or your goose is cooked

and so are your giblets.

Now, you can see

how natural this looks.

Now, believe it or not,

these are fake arms.

Yeah, they're attached to my

windshield wiper motor.

My real arms come out

through the elbow holes

and rest comfortably

in my pockets,

clutching my car keys.

I've got the

battery belt on

and everything is controlled

by this clapper switch

hanging around my neck.

Now I can just drop off

into a deep sleep

and dream about drag racing,

while romeo and juliet

take two and a half

hours to kill themselves.

And my wife'll think

I'm paying attention,

because any time anyone within

15 feet of me applauds,

so will I.

Here let me show you.

When it looks like I'm asleep,

you guys clap your hands.

[ snoring ]

[ light applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

Ranger gord has turned himself

in for psychiatric evaluation.

It's actually good for him

to be with people again.

Kinda tough on the people.

Meanwhile they've asked for

anybody who would take his place

up at the tower

until he comes back.

Who would be crazy enough

to take on that job?

I'm mean, you'd have to --

uncle red, guess what?

I'm subbing in

for ranger gord.

Harold, now, what would make

you decide to do something

like that?

Well, because...

Sometimes when people

are together for a long

period of time,

sometimes, one of those people

takes the other person

for granted.

Well, I don't mind

you taking me for

granted, harold.

You know, you get

up in that tower,

you're not gonna be

able to play any sports;

you're not gonna be

able to go on any dates;

actually,

you'll be fine.

Well, I do appreciate

you worrying about me.

I'm not worried --

okay, yeah, I always

worry about you, harold.

But that had more to do

with what you are than

where you are.

So it doesn't

matter where I am.

Well, no, I -- no.

I just think you should think

about what it's gonna be like

up there all alone

in the tower.

Well, you should think about

what it's gonna be like

all alone here

at the lodge.

You're absolutely right.

I'll give you a ride.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's prize is dinner for

two at a new medieval

themed restaurant,

his majesty's blowout.

Eat with your hands in

torchlit dark ages splendour,

as horses relieve themselves

within arm's reach.

No cover,

no minimum.

Okay, red, you've got

30 seconds to get ed --

close your ears --

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

dalton.

Okay... Go!

Uh, all right, ed,

when you go to a restaurant,

this is something

special you might order...

Curly fries.

No, no.

Think something á l'orange.

Juice?

Okay. Okay.

This is a bird that is very

popular for people to shoot.

Pigeon.

Ed, it's illegal

to shoot pigeons.

You didn't say "legal,"

you said "popular."

okay, okay, think

of the word "quack"

and a large bill.

Cosmetic surgeon.

Okay, oh, no, no.

This is an animated

character, real wacky.

Donald...

Trump.

No, okay, no.

This is something that you

yell out when you're scared.

It rhymes with "luck."

[ laughter ]

I may have to

disqualify myself.

Time's almost up, red!

Yeah, uh --

okay, ed, no.

This is a delicacy,

peking...

Oh, peking!

Red, I've never been to Spain.

Come on!

I'm sorry.

I'm going to have

to duck this one.

This is the repair shop

part of the show we call,

if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

Joining me today,

we've got local taxi

operator, hap shaughnessy.

What's the

problem, hap?

My dancing shoes.

I got a loose tap.

Yeah, that's always

been my feeling.

You ever see me do

any tap dancing, red?

Every time somebody

asks you a question.

I mean the

old days, m.G.M.

You ever hear of gene kelly

or donald o'connor?

Well, yeah.

I mean, they were real great.

Great and real.

That was all hype.

They were just moving

their feet around

a little.

I'm the one who recorded

all the actual tapping.

So... Made them

sound genuine.

Hap, you make

everyone sound genuine.

All right,

mr. Bojangles.

You're all set.

Let's see you do a

little tap dancing

there, huh?

[ chuckling ]

come on.

Let's see it.

Shoes feel

pretty good.

Just gonna loosen up

the old leg muscles a bit.

[ expert tapping sounds ]

[ applause begins ]

wait a sec.

No, no, no.

Put your foot

up there.

That one right there.

There's a cassette

player here.

Well,

of course it is.

Well, let's see

what's on it.

[ tap dancing sounds ]

well, isn't that the same

routine you just did?

Well, sure it is.

I just recorded it.

[ applause ]

just going over the lodge

expenses from last year.

Apparently we spent 84%

of our hospitality budget

on beer and the

rest on pizza.

I'm telling the guys we gotta

cut down on the cost of pizza.

You're probably thinking,

why don't we just make our own?

Well, that's

not that easy.

You get a bunch of lodge

members in the kitchen

cooking dinner,

now you got that element of

gender ambiguity

that makes a lot of us nervous

about sleeping in a

four-man tent.

So it's better if cook our

pizza in a non-kitchen

environment.

Right now on handyman corner

I'm gonna show you

how to do exactly that,

using something you already

got lying around your house...

I don't mean

your grandfather.

I'm talking about one

of these old record players.

[ coughing ]

one of these older models

with the long spindles

for stacking records on.

Next you need an album

to cook the pizza on that,

preferably something that's

used to lots of cheese.

That's why I went

with william shatner.

Okay, once you

get that on there,

all's you do is take

a pound of pizza dough,

stick that right down

over the spindle.

And you're set to roll.

Now, the beauty

of these old machines,

you get the

78 speed on there.

That way you can get captain

kirk doin' warp speed.

May the centrifugal

force be with you.

Okay, next we use

the same basic principle

to add our tomato sauce

and our pepperoni.

I've actually pre-loaded

the tomato sauce

into this squeezable

ketchup bottle here.

Okay, now, for

our pepperoni,

just take one of these

pepperoni sticks

and drop it down

an old cigar tube.

Now all we have

to do is slice it.

That's why I've got a cigar

cutter mounted on the

bottom end.

Okay, now here

comes the best part.

See, I've taken

this aerosol cheese here

and I've got her hooked up

to this feeder tube.

Now I just attach that to the

underside of my tone arm here,

where my record

needle used to be.

And then I just set

it down to 45 rpm

and let the cheese

play the pizza.

If you like double cheese,

just set her on 33 1/3.

Okay, we're almost

done here.

Now to turn this

baby into an oven,

just duct tape

some old toaster elements

to the underside

of the dust cover.

But if you're one of those

people who likes your

crust extra crispy,

maybe you wanna

go with a cd burner.

Oh, there's a

surefire hit.

And once we slice it,

we'll have

a hit single.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you... Handy.

We haven't just

made a great pizza,

we've set a record.

You know, there's a

period in a man's life

when his body

is a dictatorship.

His brain is

the great dictator,

snapping off orders

and ruling his body

with an iron fist.

Oh, sure, there are

occasional uprisings,

but they don't last long.

Generally the body does

whatever the brain

tells it to do.

But then,

as in history,

the loyal subjects

eventually realise

their leader

doesn't have a clue.

And that brings the

great body rebellion --

or as it's also known,

middle age.

I mean, it might

begin slow.

Maybe your stomach starts

refusing delivery

on those midnight

pepperoni pizzas.

Maybe your knees don't want

to go upstairs just now.

Maybe your libido is

mounting an initiative,

but can't find

any volunteers.

That's because you have

a new constitution.

You're not a

dictatorship anymore;

you're a wide open

democracy,

where every muscle, organ,

bone and sinew gets a vote.

Not only is your brain

no longer dictator for life,

but in a few years,

your body parts won't even

be able to agree on anything.

You know what

that leads to...

Bad government,

voter unrest

and saddest of all,

a hanging chad.

Remember

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Harold?

Harold!

Uncle red!

What are you doin'?

You're not

gonna jump, are you?

No!

Here, help me up.

Ooh, soft hands.

You use moisturizer?

That's just weird.

You come in here.

You come in here.

Stop foolin'

around like that.

You're gonna go crazy.

I'm fine, really.

It's just --

but you worry about me?

Well, harold,

I come up here,

you're hanging off

the side of the tower.

No, I'm just adjusting

the television antenna.

This is the highest

point in the area.

I can get like 78 channels.

Well, you know, harold,

television is not --

78 channels?

Yeah, 78.

But harold, don't you miss,

like, human conversation,

someone to talk to?

Um, no, I'm pretty

comfortable.

I mean, there's plenty

of books to read

and lots of

food to eat.

Ranger gord said I could

have anything I want --

except the

canned beans.

He says he uses them

as his alarm clock.

You know what, that's not

normal, harold, okay.

I don't want you turning

out like that, okay?

I'm just fine.

I really am.

But if you miss

me that bad,

you know, you want

me back there,

you need me back there,

I am there.

Well, you know -- I'm just

saying that you're up here

in the tower, okay,

and you can start

losing it, you know.

Like, you could

forget what day it is.

What day is it?

It's Sunday.

No, it isn't.

It's Friday.

Okay, that was a bad example.

I think so.

Okay, what I'm saying is

your sanity's up for grabs

in a situation like this.

Well, I appreciate

your concern,

I really do,

but uncle red,

I am just fine.

All right.

All right. Okay.

Okay, that's all

I needed to hear.

Okay, away you go.

No, I stay here.

You go back down

to the lodge.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Harold, look,

promise me this,

if you find yourself

goin' bonkers,

you just come on home.

Okay.

Okay, great.

Okay.

Uncle red, you might

wanna take the stairs.

Yeah.

[ applause ]

red:

I was trying to recapture my

youth a little bit last week.

Decided to take

a football out.

It's that time of year.

Just toss the football

around the field,

so I fire one over

towards walter.

Never flinched, you know.

Come on, guys,

let's throw a ball around.

Let's throw a ball around.

C'mon, let's throw a ball.

C'mon, guys,

let's throw a ball.

But no, they got

this electric football deal

where the thing vibrates,

and the players --

how can you be more interested

in that than a real game?

Well, suddenly the

power went off on it.

They don't know

what happened there.

Trying the switch.

And, uh, somehow

the wire had got cut.

I had no idea.

No idea.

But I had a better idea.

Let's do something on

a bigger scale so we

can take part --

so here we have our

own electric football game,

using these gas powered

concrete tampers.

That'll give

you the vibration.

Okay, we'll duct tape you

right on to the unit.

And then, you know,

you pull --

now, this is really,

in all fairness --

don't do

this in the house.

But you can get movin' --

the idea is I'd be

the quarterback,

and they would

just kinda move --

okay, get yourselves --

okay, get an arm free.

Okay -- no, no.

Get away from each other.

Get away.

Get away.

Get away.

That's it. All right.

So it looks like

walter's gettin' open,

so I'm gonna

give walter --

okay, walter, okay.

Here it comes.

Here it comes, walter.

Here it -- oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

All right, bill.

Bill, bill, there we go.

No. No. Eh, no.

All right,

walter, here we go.

Walter, oh, oh, oh --

no. No.

Ah, all right, bill.

Here we go.

Bill. Bill.

Manhole!

Bill, manhole!

Okay, that's pretty

good coverage.

All right -- no, no, walter.

Okay, over here.

Over here.

Garbage can.

Garbage can!

Okay, all right.

Okay, go long.

Go long.

Go long!

Go really long.

Go long.

Okay, not that long.

Ah, serves the cop right

for parkin' there.

And he gets up

onto the shed roof.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Put your arm up.

Put your arm up.

Here it comes.

Here it comes.

Oh, man, look at

the arm on that guy.

Unbelievable.

Yeah, lookin' good.

What?

Oh, it's a little weak.

Oh!

And, uh,

here comes the ball.

Are you okay?

Everything okay, walter?

Yeah, he's got her.

He's got her.

Okay, you know what?

We'll give you seven points.

Hey, bill.

Too late, bill.

Bill, bill.

Bill, bill, game over.

Game over.

Bill, game over.

Game over.

You know, it's human nature

to put up barriers

between ourselves

and others.

That's why they have these

little dividers

on the checkout belt

at the supermarket.

'cause I'll tell you,

there is nothing more

embarrassing

than when a tub of cottage

cheese gets mixed in

with a bag of pork fat.

I mean, seriously,

who eats cottage cheese?

Wouldn't it be great if you

could do the same thing

on the highway,

separate yourself from

those moron tailgaters?

Well, you can.

All you have to do

is get yourself

a couple of these

old security gates.

I got these through

the miracle of bad brakes.

And you attach them

to your back bumper,

using the handyman's

secret weapon.

Put a giant grocery

divider between 'em, see.

And you run a rope

over the roof,

down through

the skylight,

so you can control the whole

unit from the driver's seat.

That way the next time the guy

behind you gets too close,

you can just drop your

man-sized grocery divider

to separate the top sirloin

from the hot dogs.

[ horn honking ]

well, harold hasn't been here

for about a week by now,

and I figure he must be going

right 'round the bend,

right 'round it.

Right 'round --

I bet he's round --

I bet he's r-r-round --

you know, I kinda

miss the goof.

I mean, the weird thing is

junior singleton come over,

and I started talkin' to him

the way I talk to harold.

I thought he was

gonna smack me one.

Harold:

Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Oh, here we go.

Yeah, c'mon in,

harold.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Fire. Fire.

Ow. Hot. Hot.

Harold, that

was my dinner.

Smoked turkey.

Well, you should

be more careful.

[deep voice] only you can

prevent turkey fires.

See?

You've gone loopy.

You need to come back

here to the lodge

where you belong.

Pardon me?

I'm saying you need to

get out of that fire

watchtower --

no, no.

You said I needed

to be back at the lodge...

Where I belong!

Oh, no.

I belong!

That's the nicest

thing you've ever

said to me.

But who's gonna take

my job at the fire

watchtower?

See, this is it, eh.

Buster hadfield bought a

truck off of me without

tellin' his wife,

so he needs a place

to go for a little while.

Oh, boy!

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, you wanted me back

here the whole time,

didn't you?

That's why you

burnt the turkey!

Well, you don't

have a phone, harold.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time,

uncle red.

Yeah, all right.

Please don't touch me.

Well, it's just

the nicest thing.

Please don't.

No.

A little bit.

A little touch?

A good touch?

An aura touch.

[ applause ]

if my wife watchin',

I'm really hopin' you

didn't see any of that.

We'll check our

auras later on tonight.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself and loopy

and the rest of the

gang up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, everybody,

sit down.

The meeting's coming to order.

Gotta sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Okay, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

All right, men, I got

good news and I

got bad news.

Uh, harold is back

from the fire tower,

and he hasn't

changed a bit.

Actually, I can't

remember the good news.

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