Possum Day/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, one of the

frustrating aspects

of two or more people

using the same fridge

is that when you go to put

something into it,

there's no more room.

And why?

Because of the vegetables.

Every fridge

has these drawers

that are supposed

to keep vegetables fresh.

How does that work?

I mean, it's not airtight.

There's no

laser gun in there,

killing the germs

and bacteria.

It's no different than

the rest of the fridge.

Anyway, you can't stop

vegetables from going bad.

They were bad to begin with.

But you can't just take 'em

out and throw 'em away,

can you?

Or somebody'd

be very upset.

Somebody who can do

things to you in the night.

And not the things

you were hoping for.

Well, here's a way to get

rid of your vegetables

without laying

a finger on 'em.

I punched a hole in

the back of the fridge.

And I ran this

vacuum cleaner hose

right into my

vegetable drawer.

And I don't mean a normal

household vacuum cleaner.

I'm talkin' heavy industrial.

That baby could suck a

football through a fire hose.

All right, let's get

rid of those vegetables.

Okay, uh, my mistake.

I hooked it up to the output

side of the vacuum cleaner.

[ chuckling ]

oh, boy.

Okay, um, tune in next week

when I show all

you cat lovers

how to make your

own kitty litter.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Yeah, thank you.

I appreciate that.

Boy, we got a big, big idea

this week up at possum lodge.

Instead of having

groundhog day

that predicts

the end of winter,

we're gonna have

possum day, eh,

predicts the end

of summer, see.

So on September 2,

the possum comes

out of his tree.

And if he doesn't

see his shadow,

it means fall it

just around the corner.

If he does see his shadow,

it means we get six

more weeks of summer.

And if he sees harold,

he plays dead.

Uncle red!

Uncle red!

The possum day campaign

is just really taking off.

Really? Great.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The radio station is

going to promote it.

We're getting a big push

in the daily movement.

Oh!

Oh, yes.

So have you got a possum

for us to use there,

harold?

Have you?

Well, it's just --

[ making sucking sound ]

no.

All right, harold.

We're gonna

need a possum.

Well, they're really

hard to catch.

They're not hard to --

they are hard to catch!

They're not

hard to catch!

But you gotta

use your brain.

Oh, really?

Yeah!

See, you gotta

outsmart him, see?

So you say, okay,

what do possums do?

Um, nothing.

Well, I mean, they're pretty

much useless and lazy.

Well, see,

okay.

You use that to

your advantage.

What do things do

when they're useless

and lazy?

They get their own

television show?

[ laughter and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize is a coupon

for 10 minutes of free

long distance service,

courtesy of the

world wrestling foundation.

Why not reach out and

[ deep voice ] crush someone?

Okay, cover

your ears, dalton.

Red, you've 30 seconds to get

dalton to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, dalton,

when you go into the house,

the first thing you say is,

hi, honey, I'm...

Sorry.

No. Okay, there's a song.

I'll be blank

for christmas.

Oh, broke!

Okay, when guys

make their own beer,

what kind of

brew is that?

Skunky.

Okay, think of baseball.

All the players

are trying to go...

On strike.

Okay, dalton,

when you get older,

you may have

to go into a...

Pine box.

Uh, red,

almost outta time.

I know. I know.

Okay, dalton, around here

we have an expression...

Keep the something

fires burning.

Oh, the tire fires!

Yeah, if it wasn't for

that plume of smoke

on the horizon,

I'd never find

my way home.

There we go!

Mike: You guys ever

lie to your wives?

Dalton: Well, that depends.

Mike: On what?

Dalton: On whether

we're gonna lie to you.

You know, mike,

everybody lies to

somebody some time.

Didn't dean martin

sing that?

Mike: Well,

you know what?

You don't have to sell

me on the positive aspects

of lying, mr. Green.

Lying is what got me

to where I am today.

Dalton: Out on bail?

Red: Yeah, okay,

I know lying is wrong.

I only lie when

I have to.

Dalton:

"I only lie when I have to"?

Who'd lie when

they didn't have to?

Red: Hap shaughnessy.

But women lie too.

They just do it

differently than men.

Men and women lie

differently?

Red: Absolutely.

See, women will lie to make

other people feel better;

men lie to make

themselves feel better.

How do you mean?

Well, men lie about

winning, you know,

if they're in a fight,

of even if they're in

an accident.

And they lie

about fishing.

Where'd you

hear that?

I read it somewhere.

You're lying.

Well, sure I am.

See, you knew that.

You knew I was

lying, see?

Men expect men

to lie about stuff.

Yeah, you know what?

It's kinda like

exaggerating.

Like, say you hit your

thumb with a hammer.

Well, it winds up,

by the time you're

finished

that you've duct taped

your arm back on

after a band saw

accident, you know?

Everybody knows

you're lying,

but they still oh and ah

just the same, right.

It's a masculine trait.

Men lie to each other.

Okay, I know that.

But what I'm askin' is do

men lie to their wives?

Dalton: Well, I suppose

it has happened.

I mean, how can you

build a relationship

if you're lying

to each other?

Red:

Oh, no, no, mike.

One you get married,

you're not trying to

build a relationship.

Dalton:

You're in survival mode.

Oh, yeah, so when she asks

you if that dress looks

too small on her,

you lie.

But that's

perjury!

Lying is

against the law.

Not when it's done

in self-defence!

Amen.

Hey, I got great news.

All-wheel drive and

four-wheel steering

is not just for

the super rich anymore.

Now the super poor

can have it too,

thanks to today's project

on handyman corner.

So I figured between

these two k-cars,

we should be able to make

almost one drivable vehicle.

That's because the k-car has

no real frame to speak of,

and they're

front-wheel drive.

You could say

it's spineless

with a lot of dead weight

at the back end.

It's really the dalton

humphrey of automobiles.

First thing we gotta do is

downsize each of these babies.

It's the exact opposite of

the way they downsize

the government.

We're gonna keep

the part that works.

Don't be shy with the

duct tape on this job.

It's the only thing

holding the unit together.

And there's nothing worse

than nailing a speed bump,

only to have your back end

break off and start

chasin' you.

And there we have the makings

of our four-wheel-drive,

all-wheel-steering vehicle.

And here's an

added bonus...

Stick the back ends

together,

you got yourself a dandy

portable garden shed.

Okay, the big jobs

are all done.

Now we just have

the minor details

of connecting the

two sets of controls.

Okay, now, this took

a bit of brain work,

but I think

I'm okay now.

See, for both cars

to work together,

you've got to get the one

doing the exact opposite

of what the other

one is doing.

Kind of like a marriage.

I've got the steering wheels

hooked together

so that when I turn

this one to the left,

the other one goes

to the right.

[ creaking ]

this baby

turns so sharp,

you gotta back off

on the gas,

or you'll run into yourself.

Same thing with

the turn signals.

I signal right

on my end...

But the real trick

is the gear shift.

I hooked them up so when

I go into drive at my end

it goes into reverse

at the other end.

Oh, sure I got

a couple of problems,

like, I got no trunk,

no brake lights

and no exhaust pipe,

but that's a

small price to pay

to be driving with

cutting edge technology.

So remember, if the

women don't find you...

[ coughing ]

kids always need money

from their parents.

That's fine.

And generally, parents will

always open their wallets

for their offspring

for any request

that doesn't contain

the word "bail."

but you may be

at the point

where they're talking about

a different kind of money.

I mean the inheritance.

The big post-dated cheque.

Well, this is where

I draw the line,

one of the few times

where my advice is...

Shoot the works, baby!

I'm sayin', spend it.

If you can't take it with

you, why pack it?

That leather chair

that massages your back

while it plays

"in a gadda da vidda,"

you go for that!

That pick-up truck

that sits up so high

you can see where you're goin'

half an hour before you

get there,

ring 'er up!

And maybe it's time to

put in that wet bar

beside the pool;

and when that's done,

put in the pool

beside the wet bar.

The point is

whatever you do,

don't feel guilty about it.

You raised those kids,

and you paid for them.

Whatever money

you have now is yours.

And a leftover's

never tasted so sweet.

Remember I'm

pullin' for you.

We're all in this together.

Ladies and gentlemen, we

interrupt "the red green show"

so that I may bring you

the following important

environmental message.

Greetings, campers.

Ranger gord here with another

one of my patented....

Gord: Hey now, here's

a pleasant scene...

A couple of backwoods

doughnut brains

having some fun on

the diving board.

However, what they

might not understand

is that danger in

this sport of "diving,"

if taken to its

extreme level --

I am of course talking

about the terrifying

overlooked sport

of cliff diving.

Now, before any dive is

attempted from a height

of this magnitude,

one must first discern whether

there are any rocks or

other debris

in the landing area.

Well, ho-ho, it's a

good thing harold

pointed out the danger down

there for us, hey, red?

That's another diving tip,

always go with a buddy.

Now, come on, red.

Let's find a safer spot.

Uh, gord, uh --

uh, this is pretty high.

Uh, I mean a guy

could get hurt

on a jump like this.

Gord: Oh, come on, red.

Don't be such a wuss.

Folks, it's a proven fact

that if you play a

sport afraid,

you are more likely

to get injured.

And you don't wanna get

injured, do you, little red?

Uh, no, not really.

Ha! Ha! Good.

[ screaming ]

so remember, kids,

never take a ride on

the wing of a plane,

unless properly

licensed to do so.

It's just common sense,

isn't it?

Well, great news.

We managed to catch

ourselves a possum.

All we had to do was

set the trap upside down.

So now we're in business,

and the possum day thing

is really picking up

a lot of momentum.

Actually, the t.V. Station

up in port asbestos

says they're going

to send a crew down,

unless there's anything

important going on that day.

Or anything

going on that day.

Oh, uncle red!

Oh! There's been a

possum-napping.

Well, that's what

they do, harold.

No. No.

Someone has

kidnapped our possum.

Yeah, we think it's the

guys from caribou lodge.

They're so jealous.

They're jealous

of us?

That's hard to do,

harold.

Well, don't you worry --

don't you worry,

because maybe we don't

have a real possum,

but we still have

our possum mascot!

What?

No. No.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mike, where is

your pride?

Mr. Green,

this counts towards

my 100 hours of

community service.

This is not gonna

work, harold.

Okay, how 'bout mike

sneaks back into

caribou lodge

and gets

our possum back?

Yeah, 'cause I look

just like one.

Watch.

Harold:

Have you seen enough?

You're too late.

Red: Kind of an unusual

adventure this time.

Winston had just

finished a day's work,

and as per usual,

he was checking his cash,

and there was a small

crime wave at that moment.

A gun comes in -- this never

happens around here, but...

As it turns out,

just a water gun from walter.

Oh, now winston grabs that

and takes after him.

This is how things start.

And this is a real lesson

of how the world works

with the arms race

and so on.

Winston has the little gun.

He's sneaking up on walter.

A little payback time,

but walter turns around

and he has a

much bigger gun,

and he unloads that on him.

So now winston

grabs that one.

Now he's escalated

her a bit,

so walter's going to take

it up to the next level.

Winston comes around there.

I don't think he's

in the wood pile.

And I don't think he's

in that empty trailer either.

I don't think he's

there or there.

Here he comes, and,

you know, I'm thinkin'

he may have

something for you,

but winston first

of all fires the --

winston's outta water.

Don't worry.

Here's some.

So now we're up

another level.

So now it's gunfight

at the ok corral.

Very good turn out

for a Tuesday.

Oh, walter's takin'

it to another level.

Winston... Hmm.

We've all had days

like that, haven't we?

Oh, boy.

So now winston goes

down to the store

and gets something

real super duper.

Pumps that up.

Oh, yeah, baby.

He's ready to go.

He's goin' nuclear.

What he didn't realize was

that walter had been to

the same store

just before winston and had

gone with the double

extra large.

Lotta water in that thing

as winston's pants

were about to find out.

So now walter's going

to the maximum here.

He's got the backpack

tanks on there,

at the super-howitzer level.

Winston just

has a little gun,

but he doesn't seem

to be worried.

He's actually

waving walter over.

He's ready to take him on.

Walter can't believe it.

You're gonna take me on

with that little thing?

Look at this baby.

I got like a bazooka.

I mean, you are

gonna drown.

You're just gonna drown.

Winston says,

no, no, wait a sec.

It's not the size

of the gun, you know.

Check the hose.

Take a look.

See that? Yup.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, it's not plugged

into the chair, no.

It's not -- oh, boy!

I think this is walter's

way of surrendering.

There you go.

Let her go.

You ever notice

that over the years

your dashboard has changed from

a bunch of dials and gauges

into nothing but

idiot lights.

That can't be a compliment.

And who can remember

what they all mean?

Whenever I look at

that symbol,

I don't know whether I'm

supposed to add oil

or make three wishes.

So I'm gonna make

a few alterations.

First of all, I'm gonna

put in sensible signs.

And I'm also gonna have a way

that I can add fluid

without having to

get out of the car.

Heck, without even

having to stop.

Now, I'm gonna do that by

switching from something

nobody understands...

The cars of today,

to something everybody

understands...

Breakfast.

Okay, first thing you

wanna do is take yourself

half a dozen of these

maple syrup dispensers

that they use in

restaurants.

I would recommend that you

get these from any dimly

lit 24-hour diner.

The key component here, see,

is the spring loaded nozzle

they got on the

top of her there.

Just add a wire

to this baby,

fill it with the

appropriate fluid,

and you're on your way

to happy motoring.

Each of these bottles is

filled with a different

automotive fluid.

And I got them mounted over

each of these filler tubes.

Then I ran all the wires

through the fire wall,

and in keeping with

the breakfast motif,

I attached a picture

onto each wire

that would associate

a fluid deficiency

with a breakfast food.

Now even for your car,

breakfast is the most

important meal of the day.

Okay, here we go.

Oil has got to be grease;

grease, well,

that has to be bacon.

Bring home the bacon.

And if the rad boils over,

well, that's gotta

be coffee.

If the transmission

starts grindin',

that'd be sausages.

And if your engine

starts fryin',

well, that would

be the eggs.

This baby is toast.

Mission accomplished,

mr. Green!

You sure he's

in there, mike?

Oh, yeah.

He's in there,

all right.

Let me see

him, red.

Uncle red! Uncle red!

The guys from

caribou lodge,

they pulled the

old switcheroo.

What are talki ''

about, harold?

The possum,

it's not a possum.

Sure looks like a

possum, doesn't it?

Yeah, looks like a possum,

acts like a possum.

Of course, that's what

you get when you shave

a skunk!

Winston:

What's the problem?

Red: Don't you smell

anything, winston?

Oh, sorry.

I came straight from work.

Is that a new rug?

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time,

uncle red.

Yeah, you guys

go ahead.

I'll be right down.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

I'm gonna have to sleep

in the garage tonight,

even though we didn't

have an argument.

So wait a sec -- the next time

we do have an argument,

I wanna count

this as a credit.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down. Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Okay, men, we're gonna keep

this meeting pretty short,

because a few of us have

to take off all our clothes

and burn 'em.

What's goin' on?

We're changing.

Why?

Because we have to,

I guess.

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