The Treasure Hunt/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold: And now it's time

for "the red green show,"

starring red green!

What? More? Oh. Uh...

"red green show,"

all about nature, wildlife,

and how they can be, uh, killed.

Starring my uncle.

Uh, can't the camera move faster

or something?

Come on, hurry up.

Starring the man of the hour.

Um, uh,

the h-host with the most.

The woodsmen's

woodsman --

or I'd like to say

"the woodsperson"

because I'm trying to

make this show non-sexist.

You know, these guys around

here -- they don't care.

They'd have it as offensive

as it could possibly be.

And it's a full-time job

for me --

thank you, harold.

Sure.

Thank you,

and welcome to the show.

Uh, I got a heck of a show

for you this week.

Uh, we had a treasure hunt

up at the lodge here

and went looking for gold,

but all we found

was fool's gold.

Speaking of which, harold,

come on over here a sec.

Now, harold is my nephew

and the producer/director

of the show,

and, uh, he has this fancy

little whizmo right here.

Yeah, it allows me

to do things like this.

[ keys clacking ]

[ laughs ]

and thank you

very much for noticing.

Well, harold, you're not gonna

need that little whizmo

for a while this week

'cause I got a heck of a story

for the fans here.

Uh, we were all up in the attic

at the lodge

looking for

old man sedgwick.

And, uh, we found an old trunk,

and it had a padlock on it.

And we got the crowbar,

but it just wouldn't come loose.

So we got three or four

10-pound sledges

and we just creamed

the darn thing, you know?

And, uh, well,

when we got inside it,

there was something I guess

that had been made of glass.

It was now just in pieces

and shards and so on.

Uh, got broke somehow,

I guess.

Probably valuable

at some point.

But the interesting thing

here is --

we found a map,

and the map had an "x" on it.

You know what

an "x" is for?

Yes.

Cue up the next segment.

Uh, harold,

"x" is for buried treasure.

Well, it's buried now.

[ laughs ]

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ who is that hiding

in my bedroll? ♪

♪ is it you,

mary brown? ♪

♪ way down where

I can't see you ♪

♪ wanting to go to town ♪

♪ who is that hiding

in my bedroll? ♪

♪ is it someone

on a flirt? ♪

♪ I reach in

and grab you down there ♪

♪ oh, for gosh sakes,

it's just my old shirt ♪

[ laughs ]

this week on,

uh, "handyman corner,"

uh, I'd like to show you

that a toilet is an asset.

You know,

there was a time when, uh,

we'd have an old baby like this,

and we just would throw it

in the middle of the lake.

But now

it's getting to the point

where we got so many fixtures

and appliances

and whatnot out there

that, uh, it's just --

you're risking your prop

every time you do a power turn

around the canoe club.

So it's a lot better

if you come up with

some other use for these things,

and, uh, I've done just that.

Now, the...

[ straining ]

oh.

Um...

The first step on this --

after the hernia -- um...

...What you want to do is --

to get it apart --

is to loosen the bolts of it

on here.

Uh, you got to expect a certain

amount of breakage on these.

Uh, but that

doesn't really matter,

'cause all we're gonna use

is the tank on the back.

So, uh, as you can see,

I've got the back of the tank

separated here,

and, uh, I've attached

these car seat belts.

I was only sitting on them

anyway.

And I've used, uh,

the handyman's secret weapon --

duct tape.

So, now what we have

is your portable

ceramic beverage cooler.

What you do is, uh,

you put some ice in there,

throw in some of your --

some of your favorite beverages,

um, pop the lid on here.

And on a day when you know

you're going with this thing,

you might want to have a couple

of steroids for breakfast.

Put the whole unit

up onto your shoulder.

And, uh, you're on your way.

Now, a lot of guys say you

should use beer for this,

'cause, uh, it ends up

in the toilet anyway.

It might as well start there.

And, you know, when

the ice melts with this baby,

uh, and you want to get rid

of the excess water...

No problem.

[ toilet flushes ]

so, until next time, remember --

if women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ toilet flushes ]

we'll be right back with the

rest of the treasure-hunt story.

Be still,

my trembling heart.

That could be arranged.

You know, harold,

one of the things I enjoy

most about the lodge

is, uh, cooking over a --

over a log fire.

You know, just right out

in the outdoors there.

And doesn't that make the food

taste special, huh?

"special's"

a strong word.

It makes it

taste burned.

Well, okay,

there's a little bit of --

there might be some,

uh, carbonization on there,

but that's healthy

for you.

No, it's not.

It gets in your system and it

makes your stomach wall black.

That's why you should cook

in a stove.

No, no, no.

That's carbon.

That's what plants eat --

carbon.

Burned hot dogs?

Think again.

There's no way that a plant's

gonna take the time

to put a hot dog

on a stick.

It would have to tear

its own stem off to do that.

It just wouldn't happen.

That's why they have stoves --

for plants to eat properly.

No, no, no. They don't

have stoves for plants.

Yes, they do.

It's a hothouse.

That's not a stove

for a plant.

Have you ever

been in one?

Well,

at the stag, I was.

What did you say again?

It's a hothouse.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. My mistake.

"it is winter.

"children rush past,

pulling sleds and toboggans.

"shoppers hurry by,

heads bowed against the wind.

"and to each, you call out

a familiar refrain --

'call 911. I've slipped

and broken my back.'"

anyway, uh, just to get back

to this buried-treasure thing,

this was kind of exciting.

We, uh -- we're all up there

in the attic,

and, uh,

we got the treasure map out,

you know, and we pored over it

and we poured around it.

We even poured

some right on it, you know,

and trying to figure out

exactly where the "x" was.

And we figured out

that it was probably

halfway between the lodge

and the old mill down the road.

But, now, the old mill,

of course, uh,

didn't show up on the map

'cause it's less

than 400 years old,

but the lodge was there.

So, anyway, off we go.

We took compasses and maps

and ropes

and, uh, pickaxes and a backhoe.

And, uh, we got there

about 2:00 in the afternoon.

We figured we were right

in the perfect spot

where a pirate

would bury treasure --

right on the top of a hill,

under some trees,

uh, easy to spot, and only

about 500 miles from the sea.

Excuse me, uncle red,

but there's been something

I've been wanting to do

ever since

you started talking.

Well, where are we now,

harold?

I'll draw you a map.

[ laughs ]

red:

Uh, you know, hap,

there is nothing more fun than

fishing with your best friend.

Well, this comes close,

red.

It's a great day --

not too sunny, not too windy.

Oh.

The wind is gonna come up

later...From the southwest.

Ought to get to about 30, 35,

taper off around sundown,

scattered showers overnight.

Sun will rise

at 6:37 tomorrow.

How do you know

all that stuff?

Well, you got to know

how to read the weather

when you're a farmer.

Farmer, hap?

You were a farmer?

Oh, sure.

Back in my 20s.

Bought me a little spread

out west, started a farm.

What did you grow?

Wheat?

[ chuckles ] no.

Rubber.

Anybody can grow wheat.

How many rubber farmers

do you know, red?

Just you.

Well, I bought me

this little piece of land

and, uh,

240 rubber trees from, uh --

where's that country

with the things?

Malaysia?

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I planted these rubber

trees right in the prairies.

Well, hap,

I thought rubber trees

would only grow in a --

in a tropical rainforest.

We had them

in greenhouses.

Big greenhouses attached

to the back of a tire factory.

A blob of rubber

oozes in one end,

and steel-belted, whitewall

radial-bias-ply snow tires

pop out the other.

I was all set

to make my first tire

and turn a little profit

when all my creditors

closed in all at once.

The only rubber that factory

ever produced was my own checks.

Yeah.

Creditors are like

that sometimes.

Well, it gets me when you

can't believe a word they say.

Yeah,

I know the feeling.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ oh, she's full of rust,

and the brakes are shot ♪

♪ the tires are bald,

and she shakes a lot ♪

♪ she burns a lot of oil,

and she's hard on gas ♪

♪ but I got 37 more payments,

so I'll be keeping her ♪

oh, uncle red,

this is so great.

We got such

an excellent letter today.

It's from the yukon.

Yeah, I put the stamp

in my time capsule.

The yukon, eh, harold?

Yeah.

Land of

the midnight sun.

Dogsleds, igloos.

Six months of daylight up there,

you know?

Uh, they got the gold rush

up there

and, uh, polar bears,

penguins.

Quite a place.

Wow. Sounds great.

Whoo!

[ laughs ]

okay, "dear red -- living up

here in the yukon is great.

"the only problem

is the people from the south

"who stereotype

us northerners.

"they think of the yukon

as the land of the midnight sun

"with everyone on dogsleds,

living in igloos,

"and hunting seals

for six months of daylight.

"tourists ask us

where the gold rush is

"and where they can find

polar bears and penguins.

"what kind of idiot

doesn't know

that penguins are only

in the south pole?"

I-I think the main problem there

is with the foreigners.

You know, they go up north,

and they're expecting to see

snowmobiles and mounties,

you know?

And when's the last time

you saw a mountie, harold?

I don't think I've ever seen

a mountie, you know?

I don't think mountie's

even exist.

How about this, uh,

this viewer?

When's the last time you saw

a mountie, mister, uh --

does he give

his name there?

Yeah, it does.

It's corporal h. Benson

of the royal canadian mounted

police whitehorse detachment.

Uh, okay, sorry, uh --

sorry, corporal benson.

Uh, no offense there.

You guys

are doing a great job,

and, uh, it's

a great canadian tradition,

uh, that you're carrying

on there, you -- you fellas.

And I'll tell you --

I'll tell you one thing,

corporal h. Benson --

if we have to have

one stereotype,

then let it be the --

the canadian mountie

in his bright-red uniform.

I salute you, sir.

Uncle red,

the "h" stands for "helen."

red: We have another, uh,

winter activity we're featuring

on our "adventures with bill"

segment this week.

Uh, this, of course is,

as you can tell, snowshoes.

Now, the first thing you need to

do is to measure the snowshoes.

They're supposed to be --

yeah, that hurt.

I remember that. Yeah.

It's supposed to have something

to do with your height.

Anyway, bill is an absolute

expert on snowshoeing.

He, uh --

I think he's been snowshoeing

ever since he was, uh...Smaller.

So, I was just guessing

how to put them on.

I didn't realize there was a...

There was a, you know,

a better technique.

But then again, like,

bill's been doing it, uh,

doing it for quite a while.

And, uh, I probably should

have paid more attention to him.

Mind you, he did get

my attention there.

But, uh,

I think what happened there --

bill just got fed up with me

not doing it the right way

and just decided he just would,

uh, do it the way

I did it, yeah.

Well, you know,

he's good that way.

You know, he's not --

he's not pushy, you know?

Golly, those are kind

of crossed over each other.

Well, as I say,

he knows what he's --

[ clears throat ]

you know, sometimes,

people are better teachers

than they are at actually, uh --

actually doing the activity,

and I think --

yeah, I think bill kind of

falls into that category

when you're talking about --

when you're talking

about snowshoeing.

Unless this is a technique

that's designed for some

specific, uh, environment.

No, I think

that's just plain wrong.

Uh, one of the most difficult

things, uh, with snowshoeing

is turning around,

'cause they're a lot bigger.

So, I mean, I was just --

again, I was guessing here,

but bill has a really

interesting technique.

[ clears throat ]

you know, if you have a lot

of time on your hands,

I think this is

the right technique to use.

Uh, certainly interesting

to watch.

And, uh, it does scare all

the wildlife away.

There is that aspect.

Now, bill's gonna show you, uh,

several techniques

of turning around.

This one, I thought,

was particularly, uh...

[ clears throat ]

...I guess creative,

for lack of a better word.

[ creak! ]

and there he goes.

Yeah, yeah,

that worked real well.

Now, here's one, too, that,

uh, you know, again,

a little different technique,

but, you know,

if you're creative

and if you have,

uh, a 6-foot staff.

There you go.

And he's right around,

and, uh, away we go.

You know, as I say, for me,

I just would turn

on the snowshoes, but --

he loved this one. He wanted to

try this a few times.

Ooh, uh-oh.

Okay.

Now, here's something

real interesting.

Uh, you can make

your own snowshoes,

uh, out of a set of tires.

Oh, this was kind of --

uh, we always kid bill.

He's kind of a pull-start.

[ chuckles ]

anyway, yeah, you can make --

you put your foot in the tire.

It doesn't even have to be

snow tires, you know?

And then you use rope

to make the webbing for it.

So, we got bill's one leg

in there,

and we got kind of

kibitzing around.

Well, I did.

Yeah, all right, I did.

Yeah, he reached for the other

tire, and he kind of fell down.

And, uh, you know,

what I did was --

I thought I'd have

some fun with him,

so I got the tires up

and I thought I just would

just push him down the hill,

you know?

Bill loves this.

Aah!

He really enjoyed this.

And when he spoke to me

from the hospital,

he said, "you know, red,

that was really different."

then he lost

consciousness again.

I think, uh, the best way to

talk to the teenagers of today

is to just be honest with them.

And believe me -- I don't like

doing that any more than you do.

I want to talk about guns.

Now, I know

this is a hunting lodge

and, as you see lots of guns

and animal skins around.

But the truth is that

all of that stuff was here

when we took over the lodge

25 years ago.

To my knowledge,

none of our members

has ever killed an animal

with anything other

than a steel-belted radial.

Oh, yeah, we go hunting,

but we don't take any ammo

and we sure as heck

don't kill anything.

And it's not just because

nobody wants to clean a bear.

The truth is,

we talk a lot about guns,

but we don't really use them.

See, that's the way men are --

a lot of talk, not much action.

Just ask our wives.

Now, the truth hurts, but --

but this is important --

or at least I thought it was

a minute ago.

Well, we won't air this one.

"it is winter.

"the snow is on the rooftops.

"the snow is on the tree.

"the wind blew down my cable.

Now there's snow on my tv."

[ indistinct conversation ]

you know, uh, we get the odd

comment that people are getting,

uh, tired

of hearing me talk,

so we wanted to do something

that would, uh,

reverse that process.

Harold?

Okay, um,

big questions, right?

Okay, we get so caught up

in day-to-day events

like, you know,

eating and sleeping

and roller derby and stuff

that we forget about

the big questions.

Right? Like, big questions,

like...Why?

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

That reminds me

of another big question.

Who?

[ laughs ]

big questions, right?

Well -- well, like, not

physically big questions, right?

Like, hey,

I'm not physically big,

but I'm big philosophically.

Yeah, and my large intestine

is over 10 feet long.

So, you figure out why it takes

so long to go to the bathroom.

Okay,

these are big questions.

And big questions

need big answers, right?

Well...I got them.

I got the big answer.

Aliens.

Yeah, aliens.

We're not alone, no way.

But, you know, I'd really prefer

to talk about this later,

because I don't want to miss

"star trek."

okay, okay.

Well, thank you.

Stay tuned to find out how

the treasure hunt turned out.

Big hint --

we're still doing the show.

Imagine if, uh,

superman ever got into a fight

with anybody, huh?

He's, uh --

he's quite a guy.

He could

take anybody, almost.

Anybody -- not almost --

anybody.

No, almost. Batman.

Batman could take superman

in an instant.

Oh, get out of my face.

I don't even have to

because it's true.

Batman is, like,

phil donahue with an attitude.

Don't say that.

That's not even true.

Batman is way better

than superman.

He has no superpowers.

Yes, he does.

He's got psychological powers

over superman.

Well, how does that compare

with x-ray vision?

Easy. Because he can

just think about stuff.

And while superman's

looking around through walls,

he could sneak up on him

with brain attack.

Oh, yeah? How about

being able to stop bullets?

You know, faster

than a speeding locomotive.

Give me something like that,

right?

Able to jump tall buildings

with a single bound.

He's a bat.

He can hang upside down.

All the blood

would rush to superman's head,

and he'd get foggy

and his x-ray vision

would get all screwed up and --

superman wouldn't

hang upside down.

He just would float beside him

and sting like a bee.

He doesn't have

hover abilities.

He doesn't need

hover abilities.

Yeah, but he can't float

beside him then, see?

And when he's

going so fast --

he has hover -- he has hover --

he has a hover setting.

Oh, he doesn't have

hover setting.

You've never seen his

transmission the way I have.

You're thinking of, uh,

uh, mister america.

He has hover abilities.

Helicopter man.

That's the guy.

Yeah.

Now we're out here

on location

with my good buddy,

uh, dougie franklin.

And, uh, dougie, this is a nice

set of wheels you got here.

Well, red, it ought to be.

It cost me about $18,000.

Well, still, that's, uh --

that's really not that bad

for a truck this big.

No, no, that was

for the wheels, red.

The truck cost a lot more.

I mean, it's a lot of truck

there and it's a big one.

And that's why

you got to pay more,

and that kind of makes it

all worthwhile.

Yeah, yeah, she's big.

Actually, how tall --

how tall is this vehicle?

Well, I'll tell you --

I couldn't really give you

the exact height of her,

but, uh, I was out there

on your baseline road...

Yeah.

...Going under

that underpass there,

and I was doing about

80 mile an hour.

Well, so,

she's obviously not any taller

than the bridge

on the baseline road.

Not anymore.

I lost my whole rack

of spotlights I had up the top

and my good whirly light

for accidents.

I lost that sucker,

as well.

But she is big, and she has

to be big for competition.

Yeah.

And, uh...

You take this down

to carterville, don't you?

We done real well

in carterville last year.

We, uh --

we took the, uh,

the "most cars jumped by a

truck" -- by a monster truck --

and we took "most cars crushed

by a monster truck."

we, uh --

we also won the, uh --

the "most severe whiplash

to the driver" award.

We, uh, also got the, uh --

this one I was proud of --

"the highest flame shooting out

of an exhaust stack."

really?

That one

means something to me.

And, uh, the big trophy --

we took the big trophy

of the day, of course, which was

"the largest automotive fire

at an indoor venue."

and I tell you -- to take that

trophy and walk away from it,

you know,

very few people do that.

We were quite proud.

Well, I think

the important thing here

is there is an awful lot more to

this sport than people realize.

Well, that's --

that's true, you know?

And, red, we're hoping, uh --

we're hoping to compete

at the commonwealth

monster truck games.

You're going to the

commonwealth games with this?

Well, we're hoping

to represent canada there,

and, uh, of course,

there will be monster trucks

from australia, nigeria.

They got

the big monster trucks coming

from the bahamas,

pakistan.

Uh, we're real pleased.

I'm hoping

we're gonna do well.

Yeah.

You know, they say that,

uh, this year

at the commonwealth truck pull

and monster truck games,

they're hoping to have

nelson mandela there

as kind of your grand marshal

of the whole event.

Well, god, dougie.

Oh, god.

Hey, well,

good luck to you, you know.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

I'll let you get back to,

you know,

whatever the heck it is

you do here.

And, listen, hey, maybe down

at the commonwealth games,

we'll see you up on the podium

singing the national anthem.

Well, I'll tell you -- I guess

I better learn the words, eh?

[ both laugh ]

if not, I'll maybe get

my horn to play it.

[ both laugh ]

okay, red.

Okay, doug.

[ clears throat ]

all right, harold,

get us out of here.

♪ e-I-e-I-o ♪

no, it's "our home

and native land," doug.

[ laughs ] oh. Sorry, I was

just, uh -- I'll get that down.

Don't you worry about it.

All right.

I will get it down.

All right.

Watch out

for the wheel there.

Yeah.

I just dusted her off.

All right.

So, uh, anyway,

the bunch of us had, you know,

kind of decided where the --

the buried treasure was,

and, uh,

and we started digging.

And, uh, we dug and we dug

and we dug and we dug and we dug

and we dug and we dug and we dug

and then we dug.

And, uh, nothing, you know?

And then, uh,

we all kind of split up

and just started

just digging anywhere, you know,

and doing a lot more digging.

And, uh, still nothing.

And, unfortunately,

what happens with men sometimes

is the frustration,

you know, starts to set in,

and pretty soon,

we're just going around

and whacking trees

with our shovels, you know,

and throwing big clumps of dirt

at each other

and trying to drive over

people's feet with the backhoe.

And then, of course,

the owner of the golf course

called the cops.

Anyway, you know,

uh, we're no richer,

but we're a little wiser.

Like, for instance, we know now

not to dig for buried treasure

at a golf course...

[ clears throat ]

...When it's open.

So, uh, anyway,

if my wife is watching.

Uh, I'm gonna be

a bit late tonight

'cause a bunch of us

are going down to the library.

And, uh, if you notice

the shovel's missing,

don't worry -- I've got it.

All right, anyway,

thank you so much for watching.

And on behalf of myself

and, uh, --

harold, your nephew.

Harold, my nephew --

or close enough.

Uh, and the rest of the gang

up here at the lodge,

you keep your stick on the ice.