The New Shirt/Casino/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

D I'm gonna cook

with electricity.

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold: And now

here's the greatest thing

to hit the television industry

since colorization,

the man everybody's

talking about --

and oftentimes

in complimentary terms --

the star of our show,

mr. Red green!

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Thank you very much.

Thanks for tuning us in.

I'm your host, red green.

For the next half-hour,

I'll not only be your host,

but I'll also be your guide

and your translator.

And up at the lodge,

this is what we call a harold.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

And that translates as,

"I'm directing this show

because the star

is my uncle."

thank you.

Been kind of a challenging week

up here at the lodge.

I've been trying to get

a little fundraiser going

for a pet project of mine,

which is namely keeping

the repo man off our backs,

so I thought I'd have

a suggestion box.

And the first suggestion

I got was,

"why don't you make

the suggestion box

a donation box instead?"

uh-huh.

Well, that turned out

to be pretty stupid,

because what they did was

they started donating

suggestions, okay?

And most of them

you could never read

on any television

anywhere.

But then there was

one in there

that struck me

as a real good idea.

Hey, you're wearing

a new shirt.

No, that wasn't it.

It was -- somebody suggested

we have a las vegas style --

what are you wearing

a new shirt for?

What's the matter with

the regular red shirt? What?

Well, it's dirty,

harold.

Anyway, this casino night

seemed like I thought maybe --

what's the matter with

the regular shirt, though?

Where's the other shirt?

It's the regular shirt you wear,

but now, no, where is it?

What?

Well, it's in the laundry,

harold.

Oh, yeah! Ho ho ho!

Yeah, right!

Oh, you got a raise.

You got a raise!

Oh, yeah!

Since when is there extra money

in the show's budget?

There isn't, harold.

There's extra relish

on my shirt.

That's why

it's the laundry.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Okay, yes, all right.

I know exactly what

you're trying to do

by wearing this

fancy-schmancy shirt of yours.

You're trying to add zip

to the show

because you think

my direction is so bad.

That's it, isn't it?

Isn't it?

No, but I like

the sound of that.

So, the casino night

is a definite go.

We're gonna get

everything --

I'm just gonna let you know

that I don't need any of

your cheap gimmicks.

I have

expensive gimmicks.

[ guitar playing, can beating ]

♪ 1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8 ♪

♪ that's a lot of golf balls

to put in your mouth ♪

♪ may make you special

and the envy of your friends ♪

♪ but the main lesson

here ♪

♪ is don't fall asleep

at the driving range ♪

take it.

Ow!

Get that

away from there!

This week on "handyman corner,"

gonna show you how to make

a low-cost, extremely efficient,

lightweight, entirely portable

electric barbecue.

Well, at least portable

in the sense

you can go anywhere

that they have electricity.

I got the idea

from one of these little units.

You ever seen these babies?

This is a little hot dog cooker.

You got a nail

connected to the wire.

You put one in each end

of the wienie,

and you plug her into the wall,

and by the time

bob's your uncle,

you got your wiener burnt

black and silver.

And I'm thinking to myself,

this could work

on almost anything,

'cause the point is

electricity can cook meat,

which any of you know

who've ever stuck your finger

in a wall socket.

But I'm thinking, let's think

a little bigger than that.

Why can't we get electricity

to, say, cook a roast or a...

Not quite sure what that is --

probably a raccoon, I guess.

And all we need, maybe,

is to just get a little more pop

to the electricity.

Not just use your standard

household current,

but maybe have

a step-up transformer

and take her up

from 120 volts

up to -- well,

how does a million sound?

And a transformer's

real easy to build.

It's basically

just two coils of wire.

So, you take a coil of your

normal 14-2 household wire,

as we explained to you

in one of our other episodes,

and you drop a smaller

coil of wire inside,

which you can get out of,

say, an old electric razor

or something of that nature.

And these are darn easy

to come by,

especially while the guys

are out fishing.

So, I'll just pop

the top of this unit.

All right, now,

this is a good safety tip.

When you're working

with a screwdriver,

don't put the screwdriver --

did you see the way I did that?

Don't ever put the screwdriver

towards you.

I hope you're noticing that,

especially you young kids.

Always have the screwdriver

working away from you.

I'll just pop the top

off this thing.

[ electricity crackles ]

uh, all right, well, I had to

replace the fuse there.

Actually, it was just a penny

that was in there,

and it had melted

right out of there,

so I replaced it with a nickel.

Should last five times as long.

But the good news is

that the whole covering

of the razor melted right off.

So, now I can just lower that

right inside my outer coil.

And when I put this end in,

we're gonna get the million

volts coming right out here.

Now what I have to do

is use something as an electrode

for the thing,

something as --

what do you call them?

Yeah, electrode, yeah.

I'm thinking golf club.

Just got to kind of

break this in half here.

I would say go with

the steel golf club

rather than the wood kind

because the wood doesn't really

conduct electricity

all that well.

Although if you could

get her going, maybe if you got

like 17 bazillion gagillion

volts through it,

could give you a nice

hickory-smoke flavor.

Actually, probably

a bunch of you golfers

who get over 100 all the time

have a whole set

looks like this.

Now what we do is we're gonna

stick an end of this

in each end of our meat,

so to speak,

and wrap our wires around there

and seal her all up

with the handyman's secret

weapon -- duct tape --

and we're gonna have ourselves

a little beef roast.

So, I'll work on that,

get all hooked up there,

and you watch

the rest of the show.

And when I'm all ready,

I'll have you come back,

and we'll put this rig

into action.

This is my favorite part

of the show,

'cause we get to expose

those three little words

that men find so difficult

to say -- "I don't know."

wa-a-a!

And here to prove

that point once again

on "the experts" portion

of the show is my uncle red

and his best friend in the whole

world, mr. Bob stuyvesant,

and mr. Glen braxton.

Here we are.

"dear experts, for our

25th wedding anniversary --

"our silver anniversary --

I bought my wife

"a brand-new shiny silver

socket wrench set.

"my wife

burst into tears.

"at first, I thought

they were tears of joy.

"but since I've been sleeping

on the porch for two weeks now,

"I figure she didn't like

the socket wrench.

"women say they want to be

treated equally with men,

"and I'd love a set like that,

so what's wrong?

What do women

really want?"

all right, uh...

What do women want?

Uh, well, uh, glen,

you're married.

What do you think?

Uh, well, you're married,

too, red.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, but you've got all those

daughters -- seven daughters.

You know a lot more

about women than I do.

Well, a lot of them

are still pretty young.

They're girls, so...

Well, bob, you've been married

six times, right?

Four.

Five, bob.

Oh, yeah, five.

Right, yeah.

"fore" is what you say

when you're playing golf.

Actually, do you know

where yelling "fore!"

originated from?

Well, the scottish,

they used to do a lot of --

excuse me. You're just getting

a little off topic there.

The question is,

what do women really want?

What do women want?

What do women want?

[ sighs ]

well, actually, in reference

to the guy's letter,

I broke a socket wrench

just last week.

You're kidding.

No, no.

How'd that happen?

Well, I was taking

the rear suspension

off this old bus I bought

to turn into an r.V.,

and the torque -- bang! --

Snapped it right in half.

What do women

really want?

Oh, yeah.

Women question.

Women.

What about world peace?

Oh, yeah, I would think so,

yeah.

World peace is good.

Survey says world peace?

World peace.

Actually, I know a guy who broke

a socket wrench once, too.

Get out!

Yeah, he was working

on a snowmobile.

Small world.

What do women

really want?!

When they want something,

those women, what is it?

Okay, well,

we got world peace.

You know, actually,

as a husband

and a father of seven daughters,

as you said,

I know, around our house,

that what the women want

in my house is a new vcr.

Oh, yeah. Oh, oh,

you're on to something there.

My wife -- my wife

would love a new vcr.

You know, it's a funny thing

that you mention that,

because my last wife,

she had custody

of the tv and the vcr.

That's a theme there.

That's something there.

Yes, sir!

Women want a new vcr.

And world peace.

And no

socket wrenches.

That's it.

"it is autumn.

"trees shed greenery

and stand barren.

"nervous animals scurry about,

glancing skyward.

"warm waters turn cold

as blue steel.

"meanwhile, the rocks sit,

silent, solid.

"rocks are exactly

like my uncle roy...

If they had gas in them."

well, I got her all hooked up

and ready to rip there.

The black wire

brings your electricity in.

Your white wire

takes your electricity out.

And I got the ground wire hooked

up to the meat thermometer.

Now, I ran an extension cord

up from the boathouse

using whatever pieces of wire

I could find,

'cause it's on a separate

circuit down there.

And I upgraded from a nickel in

the fuse right up to a quarter.

So, I think we're ready

to power up and eat like a man.

[ electricity crackling ]

well...Looks like we'll be

having chipped beef.

Not bad.

Little underdone.

Should've used a 6-iron.

Anyway, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Well, by golly,

this casino night

feels like it's gonna

rake in a lot of coin for us.

Everybody's pitching in

to make it feel like

a real las vegas-style thing.

Old man sedgwick says

we should have an aerial circus,

like they do

at that circus circus casino,

so he and moose thompson

are gonna sit up in the rafters

and play frisbee.

I see you're wearing

your new shirt there, huh?

Yeah, I'm wearing

my new shirt, harold.

Would you rather be looking

at relish stains?

That would just remind you

of your complexion.

Wa-a-a-a!

So, what you're

really saying, then,

is, "if harold was

a better producer,

we wouldn't have

this wardrobe problem."

that's what you're saying,

isn't it?

All right.

Oh, I know what --

oh, okay, all right.

This is a midlife crisis,

isn't it?

Okay. Oh. Okay.

[ chuckles ]

I don't want to hear any more

about my shirt, okay, harold?

Now, where was I?

I forget.

Oh, yeah, okay, okay.

We're gonna have our casino

night down in the basement,

and the only thing

that's missing, really,

is a las vegas

show-girl-type thing.

But junior says that he's got

some water balloons left over --

excuse me, uncle red,

just one more thing, though.

Just the one.

Is this about my shirt,

harold?

No, no, no. It's about,

well, menswear in general.

Well, the next person that

mentions anything about my shirt

is gonna get a real close look

at my footwear.

As I was saying, the

casino night is firing along.

We'll be down in the basement,

and yours truly is gonna be

the maître d'

and the pit boss.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Oh, uncle red,

that's such a good idea.

Wasn't that a good idea, folks?

Oh, that's -- oh, boy.

Wa-a-a-a!

About this maître d',

what kind of shirt

are you gonna be wearing?

A pink, low-cut dress

with a feather boa.

What do you think

of that?

I knew it. Midlife crisis.

I knew, I knew.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ I've seen

a million wonders ♪

♪ throughout this

pretty well uneventful life ♪

♪ but I've never seen nothing

that comes as close ♪

♪ or even remotely compares

in any way, shape, or form ♪

♪ to the storm

we had last week ♪

♪ oh, the wind come down

like thunder ♪

♪ the thunder

come down like wind ♪

♪ the rain come down

like chestnuts ♪

♪ and the chestnuts

come down like squirrels ♪

♪ oh, the hailstones

ripped the roof off ♪

♪ and the barn

rolled down the hill ♪

♪ and that's when

the sheep hit the fan ♪

♪ 'cause lightning

hit the silo ♪

♪ and the entire town

was covered with popcorn ♪

red: Well, this week

on "adventures with bill,"

I was making some

of my famous forest stew,

which I make out of things

I find on my shoes.

There's bill.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

That's hot! That's hot!

It's wet, but it's hot.

Thank you, bill.

Thanks for coming out.

Anyway, what bill wanted to do

was show us all

how to make a camp bed.

You know, just when

you don't have a tent

or any of the niceties

of an air mattress.

Get myself dried off.

Man: Hey!

Some of the crew, I guess,

there or another camper.

Anyway, bill -- oh, oh!

Oh, well.

The first thing you do

is you get some little pieces

of brush and so on.

You want to kind of make it

something a little softer

than -- what is that?

Apparently bill

keeps his groundsheet

in his coveralls.

Hmm.

Well...

I don't even

want to think about this,

but we had to get it unrolled.

You get that spread out.

Boy, oh, boy.

Anyway, you get that spread out

over the bits of brush

and everything to keep

the leaves away from you.

The next unit you need there

is -- it's a sleeping bag.

There's the cover.

You throw the c-- oh.

Oh, boy.

Anyway -- oh, well.

So, bill's gonna

unroll the sleeping bag,

but this thing had been

rolled up so long,

it had a lot of tension

built up.

Oh, boy!

That's very strange,

isn't it?

It turns out

it wasn't just the tension.

There was something --

yeah, yeah.

It was a rock. Yeah, it was

a rock inside the bag.

We don't need that near our bed.

So bill, unfortunately,

right over where he had --

and then --

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Then, again, we --

well, bill always claims

that a sleeping bag is kind of

cold when you first get into it.

But this one apparently

was real warm,

and bill's real comfy there.

[ sniffing ]

kind of a funny smell.

Oh.

Well, there's always a good side

of everything.

Now at least I'll be able

to finish making my stew.

[ coughing ]

and now here's something

the young people might like,

'cause I know the older folks

can't stand it.

Awesome, young viewers,

and welcome

to my brand-new show...

[ guitar plays clumsily ]

aah! Aah!

..."gigging to the max"!

Wa-a-a!

Not "jigging to the mast."

who put that?

It's not a show about dancing

on your dad's schooner.

So, you want to be

a rock star, huh?

Well, okay, you haven't

got much of a voice

and you really can't

play an instrument

'cause your band teacher

threw you out of the class?

Okay. No problemo.

Start your own band.

Wa-a-a-a!

All you got to do is hire really

talented people to surround you,

and you still

take all the glory.

That's what my uncle red

does on this show.

Okay, you're gonna need a name.

Names are important,

so something like, um...

"the phlegm."

wa-a-a!

Or "yesterday's implosion."

no, no! This is the one!

This is the one!

This is the one!

"undead boxcars."

oh, yes!

Check, I think.

Okay, now you're gonna need

people to be in the band, right?

You're gonna have to have guys

and [laughs] babes.

All right.

So, what you do

is you go to a place

where they're hiring musicians,

right?

And then you grab the rejects

and you promise them

fame and glory.

Or at least, you know, pop,

chips and dip,

and free rehearsal space and

music lessons and instruments

and a guaranteed weekly salary.

Yes, yes, of course,

this is all a risk,

but you have to pay your dues.

Or should I say,

I have to pay their dues.

Wa-a-a.

[ guitar plays clumsily ]

how do they do that?

I wanted to give some advice

to you teenagers, if I might,

because the adults,

they don't listen anyway.

They're too old to change,

and even if they could,

they're gonna be dead soon,

so what's the point?

And how this happened was harold

wanted to go to a movie in town.

He couldn't decide

whether to see

"buzz saw butchery

on main street, part 9 --

the evisceration"

or a new comedy they got called

"trash my parents' house."

so, instead, I decided

we'd rent a classic film,

watch it at the lodge.

It was "across the pacific,"

starring humphrey bogart

and mary astor,

two great actors

who drank a lot.

When it was over, harold said

he thought it was racist,

sexist, overacted,

with some real corny,

melodramatic dialogue

and some cheesy special effects.

Whereas I thought

it was just boring.

So, the next time

your parents say to you,

"they don't make movies

like they used to,"

don't be upset about that.

I thought it would really help

our casino night

if I invited ranger gord.

Not that we wanted him there

so much, but with his lifestyle,

I figure he's got

a lot of disposable income.

Oh, mr. Green, welcome.

"pretty much the same

as yesterday's report."

come in. I'm just finishing

today's report.

All right.

Listen, would you mind

taking this down with you

to head office

when you go?

Yeah, I can do that, sure.

No problem.

They're supposed to

come by every Friday,

but they haven't been around

in a while.

Don't know why.

I'll take care of that

for you.

Thanks, yeah.

Hey, something really different

about you today.

Yeah, it's my shirt.

No, no, something else.

You've gained

a lot of weight

and gotten all gray

or something?

No, it's just my shirt.

That's the only thing

that's changed about me.

You seem pretty well the same,

though, gord.

Yeah, well, that's what

this job demands --

being the same man

every day,

looking out

over the same forest.

Sameness.

Same, same, same!

Yeah,

staring at the same sun,

looking at the same clouds,

talking to them.

Oh, they change, they change.

That's true, you know?

Thank goodness for the clouds,

or a guy could get lonely.

But I know h.Q.

Is counting on me,

so I'm not

gonna let them down.

Oh, did you check my mailbox

on the way up?

Yeah, yeah,

there's nothing there.

It's okay.

They used to send a paycheck

every couple of months,

but I know how hectic

office work can get.

No problem.

It's not like I can spend it

on anything anyway.

Well, now, that's interesting

that you say that,

because I was just here

to invite you

to come down to the lodge

tonight for casino night.

Oh, no.

Oh, sure, come on.

No, no, no, I couldn't.

Who's gonna look after

the forest?

People are counting on me

to protect them.

And not just

when it's convenient

or when it coordinates

with my social calendar.

No. No, thank you.

Plus the fact that h.Q.

Has never sent an inspector

to visit me in the 16 years

I've been a forest ranger.

What does that tell you?

[ chuckles ]

that they

forgot about you?

No. No, that I'm due --

overdue.

Tonight could be the night.

Tonight.

All right.

Yeah, but thanks anyways.

Come by and visit after, huh?

I'm up all night.

Well, I can only make

suggestions to the fellas.

I don't know.

Great! Be fun, then.

See you a little later.

I can make little snacks

on toast.

Don't make any

till we get here.

Oh, no problem.

What time exactly?

Uh...Not before midnight,

I wouldn't think.

No problem, no problem.

Up all night. All night.

Well,

the casino night --

[ sobbing ]

you're a born leader,

harold.

Casino night is a definite go,

although we almost had to cancel

at the last minute

because stinky peterson

misunderstood the term

"craps table."

do you have to change

where I can see you, harold?

I'll never eat chicken again.

Anyway, the weather

is real good,

so we decided to move

the casino night outdoors.

We got a roulette wheel,

a one-armed bandit,

and a one-legged bartender.

Threw all the beer

into the lake --

or as we call it,

our wet bar.

All we need now

is organized crime

and it'd be

just like las vegas.

[ chuckling ]

[ screeching ]

it's the sound of the possum.

We got a meeting now.

Yeah, you go ahead, harold.

I'll be right there.

I look like you now.

Yeah,

you look terrific.

It's a shame, isn't it?

Anyway, we'll get the meeting

wrapped up in a hurry

so that we can get out there

and start losing money,

which, I suppose,

is the fun of gambling.

"the art of the deal,"

as donald trump would say.

Although I don't think

there is any trump in poker,

and yet he owns a couple

of casinos, so go figure.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

that bleach you gave me

took the relish stains

right out of this shirt

and didn't harm the flannel

at all.

So, everybody else,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

thanks a lot for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

all rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

All right, I got a couple

announcements here.

Old man sedgwick

has asked me to announce

that if anyone

finds a black-and-white cat

that answers

to the name "shriek,"

would they please keep it?