Possum Lake Regatta/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

A cabin

cruiser out of pop bottles.

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold: Wa-a-a!

And here's a man who spends

his whole life outside --

outside the house,

outside the norm,

outside the acceptable rules

of behavior,

that much I know for sure.

Anyway, here he is,

mr. Outside,

re-d-d-d green!

[ cheers and applause ]

whoo!

Thank you.

[ cheers and applause

continue ]

thank you.

Thank you very much.

[ cheers and applause

subside ]

thank you.

Of course, I wouldn't have to be

outside being mr. Outside

if mr. Inside

wasn't here inside.

How are you tonight,

there, mr. Inside?

I'm just peachy,

oh, so peachy.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

Quite a few pits in the peach,

I see.

Well, it's been an interesting

week up at the lodge this week.

Uh, old man sedgwick really

ticked off with moose thompson

because moose had wrecked

his tool shed,

but moose said, "hey, look,

the roof must have been sagging

down pretty low

for me to be able to drive my

car up on top of it like that.

You know, actually, I saw

moose's car up there, you know.

I thought

it was a weather vane.

You know,

with the doors open,

kind of showing

the wind direction.

Well, I mean, we had to figure

out how to get it down,

'cause it's real heavy

and all,

so what we did was

we rolled up all the windows

and then sealed them off

with the bathtub caulking,

and then we filled her

with hydrogen.

And, uh, of course,

this made it light enough,

you know, that two guys

could carry it,

so moose and buster

were carrying the car

up the driveway,

and moose was so excited,

he lit up a cigar,

and, by golly, you know,

hydrogen burns real well.

And when the smoke cleared,

of course, the car was gone.

Stolen?

Don't think so.

We didn't know

where it was either,

to tell you the truth,

you know, until we looked up.

And there it was,

way up in the sky

with moose still hanging on

to the back bumper.

And she's dropping

at 32 feet per second

right down into the middle

of possum lake.

Whoa!

[ laughs ]

wait a second. Whoa.

Wait a sec.

That rusty old car

is gonna pollute the lake.

So will moose, actually.

No, harold, I told you,

we had sealed up

all the holes in the car,

so it just floated

like a fishing bobber.

And so did moose.

Of course, his holes

were sealed up from fear.

Uh, and, uh, you know,

the car looked real interesting

'cause it was kind of --

it was upside down, you know,

and it was fascinating

with the wheels still spinning

and the tires smoldering,

then a sea gull went over

and dropped a treat

through the hole in his muffler.

And, uh, we got the idea

to have our own regatta.

A regatta!

A regatta.

Oh, that's -- well, I mean,

a regatta --

that's like

when all the boats go by, right,

and the people all stand there

in their white suits

and they salute, you know,

from the poop deck.

Wa-a-a!

Yeah, well, we had

the poop deck covered, you know.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ this is a love song

more or less for my wife ♪

♪ she's the best thing ♪

♪ or one of the better things,

anyway ♪

♪ that's happened to me

in my life ♪

♪ I'd say what I am,

I am because of her ♪

♪ but, uh, she wouldn't take

that as a compliment ♪

♪ I find her

to be perfect ♪

or, uh, pretty close in --

in a lot of ways.

But, oh, she could back off

on the criticism.

That wouldn't hurt

at all.

Happy anniversary,

bernice.

Red: This week on, uh,

"handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you some ways

of recycling the old,

uh, plastic pop bottles.

Now, I know they recycle these

into new plastic bottles,

but that's got to be expensive

when you figure

they got to haul them away

in a truck of some kind

and then melt them down

and rinse all the spit

out of them and so on.

And I'm thinking to myself,

"why can't we come up

with a better idea

that can use the pop bottles

where is, as is?"

for example, uh, why don't you

just take a bunch of them

and glue them all over your car?

Down the door panels,

the fenders, the bumpers,

up over the roof.

Not over the windows.

There's a safety tip there.

And then once you got them

glued on,

uh, fill them all up with sand.

And what you have

is your very own portable

shock-absorbing crash barrier.

Mind you,

they're about the weight

of a real good ripe watermelon,

so that's gonna cut

into your gas mileage.

But you got to say to yourself,

"hey, what is my life worth?"

and if the answer is more than

two bucks a gallon, go for it.

Any more ideas?

Well, I would think so.

What about just cutting

the bottom

off of one of these bottles?

There are various things

you can do with that.

You got a lovely soup bowl.

Or, uh, to my mind --

call me crazy,

but if that's not

an attractive plant holder,

then, uh, I'm missing

the point of life.

Or, uh, you know,

half a halter top, I suppose.

Or -- I think this is

a darn good little unit here.

Uh, glue a little rim brim

on the end there,

and you got yourself

a little baseball cap

that's the same color

as your hair.

Need a bit of a pea head

for that,

but, uh, just leave her in the

sauna for an extra hour or two.

Uh, one of the interesting

properties of these bottles

is that they are really built

to hold liquid in,

which means that they will

also work real well

for holding liquid out.

So tighten the top up

real good on that,

and cram one of these

into each of the corners

of one of these, uh, pop cases.

And then what you do is

you drag that up your arm

and adjust that to be the size,

the weight, and flappiness

of whatever your triceps are,

and then once you get them

up here,

you flip them up on top,

and they'll just sit up there,

and what you have is an

incredible pair of water wings.

And they're extra safe,

because it's eight completely

separate flotation units,

so even when the kids

are shooting bbs at you,

you're probably gonna be able

to make it to shore.

And, of course, once

you've learned how to swim, uh,

you can just fill them

with iced tea

and cross the english channel.

Or, uh, what you can do

is just, uh, take the one

big two-liter size

and put that inside

your bathing trunks,

and that'll give you as much

flotation as you'll ever need

and probably more attention

than you'll ever want.

If you have a whole bunch

of these cases now,

you could strap them

all together,

make yourself a raft

or a floating dock

or even a great big

plastic island.

Be a real -- real eye-catcher

for the cottagers,

looking out the window,

see that floating by

during one

of the heavier storms.

But, uh, if you're the kind of

guy who's like me,

who has a whole lot of bottles

and has a whole lot of time

and doesn't have the kind of job

where he cares

what people think,

uh, I've got just

the project for you.

A pop-bottle boat.

[ boat whistle blows ]

yo-ho-ho

and a bottle of diet pop.

When your friends see you

in a cabin cruiser like this,

they can only call you

one thing --

popeye!

Mind you, they may have

a few other suggestions.

And, uh, there's something else.

If you do build one of these

of your very own,

uh, you got to expect

to be pulled over a few times

by the marine police.

'cause they'll figure you went

through a fair whack of booze

to use up this much mix.

You know, and some people

just can't help,

uh, looking at a boat like this

and just assuming that alcohol

was involved in some way.

Uh, now, as a bit

of a safety precaution,

when you go to pick

your engine size,

uh, I would not recommend

that you put the inboard engine

in this.

Uh, certainly not a v-8

or not even the big 6.

It's very difficult, to my mind,

to safely attach

a 700-pound engine

to a...Polyethylene pop bottle.

But, uh, that's just my opinion.

You do whatever you want.

Uh, I would suggest

that you power up

with your favorite

carbonated beverage.

You just, uh, shake her up,

put your thumb over the end,

shoot her out the back,

and you got yourself a jet boat.

And when the cruise is all done,

you got enough bottles left

to make yourself a fine bridge.

Now, next week,

we're gonna show you

how to make a boat trailer

out of pop cans.

But until then, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Time for me to cast off!

[ boat whistle blows ]

and now it's the part

of the show

where we expose the three words

men have such a hard time

saying --

"I don't know."

[ laughs ]

and here to prove the point

on "the expert" section

of the show, of course,

is my uncle red and his good

friend, mr. Hap shaughnessy.

Letter number one.

"dear experts, last week,

my husband decided to save money

"by doing some car repairs

himself.

"when he was done,

our car was ruined.

"after they towed our

'64 valiant off to the junkyard,

"I found this --

"I found this

lying in our driveway.

Can you tell me

what it is?"

wow. Sure.

That's a distributor cap.

Obviously.

Everybody knows that,

don't they, harold?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's a -- that's

a distributor cap right there.

That's what that is.

Obviously. [ chuckles ]

distributor cap.

If only, red.

Lady, this is a prototype

for a top-secret weapon

developed by the pentagon

during the nixon years

called robo-octo--

used -- used to be

written on here.

Robo-octopus

magneto torpedo.

Well, I knew it wasn't

a regular disrupticator cap.

That's a deadly weapon,

harold.

In the water,

all six arms fly out

so it looks

like an octopus.

And all six

highly explosive charges

magnetically

attach themselves

to the hull of the enemy

submarine and explode...

Breaching the hull,

and, uh, sinking the sub.

That's a robo-octo--

...Pus.

...Pus.

Magneto...

Oh, yeah?

Uh, well,

how come the robo-octopus thing

says "valiant"

across here?

Ah, that's just a code name --

valiant.

Oh.

What about the, uh --

what about the spark plug --

or, sorry -- what about

the explosive charges?

"acdelco."

a.C.

A.C.

Antisubmarine charge.

And the "delco"...

Any -- any 5-year-old...

Delco, uh, short

for "delivery container."

antisubmarine-charge

delivery container.

Anyway, they didn't end up

using it.

The pentagon, uh,

doubted that it would work.

Yeah, doubt is a powerful thing,

isn't it, hap?

"it is spring,

"when a young man's fancy

turns to thoughts of love,

"or failing that, lust,

or failing that,

wrestlemania viii."

glen?

Glen, you in there?

Glen:

The marina's open!

Just take whatever you need.

Everything's 100 bucks.

Glen, it's me.

I just need to borrow some rope.

Oh, red.

Uh, just help yourself.

Just leave 100 bucks

on the counter.

What are you doing

to the r.V. Now, glen?

Well, I got to put

one of these gizmos on her.

Another toy, huh?

[ chuckles ]

it's amazing to me

how you find the time

to do all the work

on the r.V.

And, uh, you know,

run the business and everything.

Run a business?

Well, yeah, the marina.

Oh! The marina. Sure.

Sure. The marina. Yeah.

You know

what this is, red?

No.

This here is a motion detector

video-assist parking unit.

Wow.

Yeah.

When I have to back

into a real tight spot.

Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah.

This thing will

help me out.

You know, like, uh, the edge

of the grand canyon.

Oh, yeah.

You know, or going through the

giant redwoods in california.

Yeah.

Or the beer store.

Oh, yeah.

Boy, uh, you have spent a couple

of dollars on her, haven't you?

Oh, yeah.

$7,000, red.

Wow.

That's just

for this thing.

Oh.

Yep.

$20,000,

I figure overall.

Oh, my gosh.

But, you know,

it's worth it.

This thing -- I only paid

500 bucks for it.

And it was a mess

when I got it.

No kidding.

Anyway, uh, glen, I just,

uh, needed the rope

because we're gonna tie

all the boats together

for the regatta,

you know.

Oh, no, you don't want to

do that, red. No, no.

I got a whole bunch

of outboard motors lying around.

Why don't you just, uh,

stick them all in the back?

I'll rent them to you

for 100 bucks.

Well, uh, okay, glen.

Tell you what. Tell you what.

You throw a half-dozen outboards

into the back of the van,

and I'll take them

over to the lodge,

and we'll just, you know,

see who wants what.

Uh, well, you know, red,

I'm real busy

with this video-sys thing.

It's gonna take me

a little while.

So help yourself.

No, no. That's okay.

I can wait.

Well, I never

put one on, red,

so it might take

a couple hours.

You take your time, glen.

[ sighs ]

you, sir,

are the laziest man alive.

Well, glen, coming from you,

that has to be a compliment.

Well, our gonzo regatta

has got everybody going,

and the idea that you can put

a motor on your vessel

has got everybody

pretty excited.

Moose has decided to turn

his car into a paddle-wheeler.

You know, uncle red,

I saw buster hadfield

walking down there,

and he had a really long

extension cord, you know.

I was just hoping

he's not gonna build a boat

with an electric motor,

is he?

Well, actually, buster,

uh, I believe,

is building a boat

out of 35 used mailboxes.

Oh, okay.

Where's he getting those?

Well, let's just say

that, uh, nobody

around possum lake's

gonna be getting any bills

for a while.

And he's gonna power

the unit

with one of them, uh, wet-dry

vacuum shop-vac type things,

which is gonna suck water

in the bow

and blow it

out the stern --

very reminiscent of my great

grandfather on my mother's side.

I don't know why

you're always changing things.

You're forever changing things,

you guys.

Just leave things

the way they are.

You're always so creative.

Wa-a-a!

You got any moving parts

in that gizmo there, harold?

No, I don't.

Little rubber belt?

No, I don't have any.

'cause it looks like --

uncle red, don't!

I don't have any moving parts!

I want to

just look at it.

Don't! Don't!

I have a cold.

I'm just gonna give it to you.

I don't even care.

Happy song.

♪ wear a smile

all the while ♪

♪ and all your friends

will name you ♪

♪ but wear a frown when there's

a bad smell around ♪

♪ or all your friends

will blame you ♪

red: Well, I wasn't really

in much of a mood

for adventure with bill,

but he said there was lunch

in it for me, so...

And not only is this lunch --

yeah, yeah.

Hi, bill --

but a big, juicy steak.

[ scraping ]

ah! Ah! Ooh.

I hate that sound.

Reminds me of grade three,

both years.

So anyway, bill brought

his own secret steak sauce,

and he's gonna put that on --

oh, man!

Obviously a couple of holes in

the side of the jar there, bill.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

I think I'll skip the hot wax.

Man: Hey!

And we're -- oh, oh, oh!

Now what we're gonna do

is we're gonna build ourselves

a little campfire

and cook the steak.

It was a good-looking

piece of meat,

and he's got a --

what do you got there?

Oh, may be

what cut the steak sauce.

He's putting the --

watch --

bill. Bill. Bill.

A little, uh, garnish

on the steak there.

And he cleared a little spot.

And now what he wants to do

is to put a bunch of rocks

around.

It kind of contains the fire,

so we got a few rocks here,

and I'm pitching in.

You know,

there aren't a lot of rocks

around this part of the lodge

'cause, uh, 'cause bill's done

this before, mainly, so, uh...

There's one there. Yeah.

That's kind of a big one, bill.

Watch where you're throwing.

Bill, watch -- bill.

Bill, bill, bill.

There you go.

So he goes

down by the creek there.

A lot of rocks down there.

You know, I heard a story

one time

that you should never use...

Oh!

...Bill for anything.

But you should never use rocks

from out of the water

'cause they got the water

still in them.

Anyway, I'm not gonna worry

about that.

So we, you know, innovation.

Innovation.

We're gonna cook the steak

over the rake.

Now, bill, bill,

that thing's got holes

all around the sides

of it there.

Oh, all right. All right.

All right.

Gonna wrap --

okay, wrap the towel around.

All right, maybe that'll work.

Ugh!

No, apparently not.

No. No.

There was a hole

in the end there, bill.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'll get that sauce

onto the steak anyway.

What do you got?

By gosh, you don't see that

every day of the week.

Thank goodness.

So we're gonna cook up this --

now the river rock is starting

to -- I didn't even notice.

It's starting to hum and sizzle,

and I put the steak over,

and it's starting to rock,

and apparently when these things

build up enough pressure

inside --

[ whistling ]

I don't -- I don't remember much

of what happened after that.

Uh, I remember I kind of came to

in the barn,

and, uh, I came out

and I thought to myself,

"where is that wienie?"

there he is.

And now here's a new idea

for all you young kids who are

forced to watch this stuff.

Hey, it's me,

heavy hip-hop harold

with my brand-new show,

"wrapping with the man."

[ chuckles ]

"wrapping with the man."

[ chuckles ]

okay, I know

there's not supposed to be a "w"

in front of "rapping," okay,

'cause I'm gonna fix that

by next week.

I don't want you to think

this is a show about

wrapping gifts with some guy.

'cause it's not.

It's a show about talking

to -- wa-a-a! -- Policemen.

But I didn't want to

call it that,

because obviously --

very uncool.

Like, when the policemen

go undercover,

we still know it's policemen.

We know it's them.

Do you want to know how to tell?

Okay, I'll tell you

'cause I know.

They got like these great big,

long black shoes, right,

and they got short hair,

neatly trimmed mustaches,

and really good posture.

Yeah.

These are all things

that I think most street gangs

are lacking. Wa-a-a!

So the show is gonna be called

then, "rapping with policemen."

or policewomen.

You know, okay.

Or policewomen.

I'm gonna have to

change that, too.

Okay, so by next week,

it's gonna be called,

um, "rapping with people

of authority."

yeah! That's what

it's gonna be called --

"rapping with people

of authority."

okay, so --

okay, harold.

Noel's out of the shower now.

Needs his uniform back.

No! No! No! No!

Pardon me, harold?

Uh, nothing.

Sorry.

I don't know how much longer

I can go on doing a show

without a budget.

[ slide whistle ]

ready for the possum lake

regatta there, bob?

What?

No, no, red.

I happen to be doing

some work

for the department

of natural resources.

Oh, yeah?

Yes, I'm -- I happen to be

measuring the gravity

of this specific marsh.

Wetlands are an important part

of the ecological chain.

I don't know

if you knew that, red.

Well, I guess

you're done for the day

now that you've drowned

your instruments.

Oh, I have another set

of clubs.

Tools.

Well, uh, what can I do

for you, red?

Remember now, I've got 36 holes

of work ahead of me.

Yeah. Yeah.

[ twang! ]

oh, boy.

Well, uh, actually, bob,

I just wanted to know

if maybe you guys

down at the department

wanted to build a boat

for the regatta.

I thought you could make one

out of, say,

pencils and coffee cups

and those tax forms

you're sending me

every couple of months.

No. Thanks, red.

No time.

Every minute

is precious

when you work

for the civil service.

It's like

a well-oiled machine.

Really?

Most of the guys I meet

are down a quart.

Or their palms are greased.

[ slide whistle ]

[ popping ]

oh, boy.

Hang on to this for me,

will you, red?

Well, bob, you're not gonna be

able to putt

from the top of the tree

there.

What are you handing me

this for?

'cause that

is my favorite club!

Bob! Bob!

Bob: Whoa!

[ splash ]

well, we've had a major rethink

on the possum lake regatta...

Because, uh, mass arrests

tend to dampen the fun

of almost any social event.

Well, I am one person

who's personally glad

that you decided to cancel.

Smart move.

We're not canceling,

harold.

We're just -- we're just gonna

make the boats

not powered, okay?

We've tied them all

to moose's car,

and we're gonna take turns

rowing.

How do you row a car?

The car is upside down,

harold.

You just weld oarlocks

to the rocker panels.

Oh, of course.

Yeah.

And, uh, this way, if we get

stopped by the marine police,

at least moose's boat

is licensed.

Heck, it's got plates.

And, uh, they got --

they've made an arrangement

with some guy

at the end of the regatta

who's gonna buy all the stuff

for scrap iron,

and moose will get

enough money,

he can get himself

a couple of used k-cars.

That's great.

What, like one to drive

and one for a boat?

No, uh, one to drive

and one to give

to old man sedgwick

as a tool shed.

[ screeching ]

oh, that's the cry

of the possum.

That's meeting time.

All right, harold,

you go on ahead.

I'll be right down.

Well, that's about it

for our show,

but if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And, uh,

I found something out --

that combination washer-dryer

that your parents gave us

does not float, all right?

So...

I would say it's probably

not as top-of-the-line

as they pretended it was.

And for the rest of you,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

harold: All rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Just a couple things, guys,

before we get started --

buster hadfield is selling

his snowmobile for 25 bucks.

You can pay him tonight,

pick it up tomorrow.

Make sure you bring

scuba equipment.