Go Fish/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Here's one for you...

How many men does it take

to change a light bulb?

Well, it depends

on how handy they are.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

[ whistles and cheers ]

thank you very much.

All right. All right.

No, no, don't think

I don't appreciate that.

Actually it's time for our

annual men's fishing weekend

up here at the lodge.

Catching the fish

is the easy part.

Getting our wives

to let us go,

that's where the

real skill comes in.

So we're telling

them that mike hamar's

got a trial out of town,

and we all have to appear

as character witnesses.

One of the upsides of

having a known felon

as a personal friend.

Yeah?

Uncle red!

[ cheers and applause ]

is it international

women's day or something?

Oh, I wouldn't be

surprised -- why?

Well, all the town's

women are all lined up

like for a demonstration

or something.

I dunno.

Is it mother's day?

You don't know

when mother's day is?

Oh, no.

Sure I do.

No.

Not today, right?

It's, uh --

hey, guys, what are

the wives mad about?

[ cheers and applause ]

you're not supposed

to be here, okay.

You're our excuse

to be able to

go fishing!

That case is put off.

No, no, no,

no, no!

Your case

is postponed;

I'm put off!

Ha! Ha!

That's why the

women are so upset.

♪ they know

you lied ♪

[ women chanting ]

I don't think so.

Conjugal visit?

Is this a

you deserve this.

You lied.

I never lied

to a woman.

I know that, harold.

That's why you're not married.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner will

receive a coupon

for a large bucket

of chicken parts

from stevenson's

pulverized poultry.

Where it's

guaranteed 100% meat,

no beaks!

Mr. Green, you've

got 30 seconds

to get winston to --

cover your ears --

to say this word...

Yeah,

all right, mike.

Oh, okay.

And... Go!

All right, winston,

whenever you start a job,

it's important

that you...

Put on my rubber gloves.

Okay,  okay, but at the

end of the job you...

Hose down my truck?

No. No.

Okay, okay,

when you retire, okay,

you'll be able to say

your career is at a...

Photomat.

That's the

dream, anyway.

You know when a guy

runs a marathon, okay,

this is his

favourite line...

"hey, baby,

I just ran a marathon."

remember last month,

you painted your

bedroom, eh?

You did the whole

thing in a satin...

Bathrobe.

Yeah. All right.

Time, mr. Green.

Almost out of

winston, last Thursday

night you watched

one of those

european boring

films, remember?

You turned it

off halfway through.

What did you miss?

Everything.

I don't speak finnish.

Well,

there we go!

[ bell ringing ]

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪ ]

this week on

talking animals,

local animal control

officer, ed frid, is

going to tell us

all about lobsters.

That's right, red.

Lobsters:

The raccoons of the sea.

Why raccoons, ed?

Well, because they're

both, um, scavengers,

and they b-both

have claws

and d-dark rings

under their eyes.

You ever seen a

lobster up close, ed?

Well, I don't seek 'em out,

if that's what you mean.

Well, no.

I just thought as an

animal control officer --

that what?

That I'd get a lot

of calls from people

who have lobsters

up their chimney?

Or because there's

a rabid lobster running

around at night

killing all the sheep?

[ growling ]

well, you thought wrong.

Ed, I just thought --

I'm telling you,

I have to risk my

life every day.

Do you have any idea

what that's like?

Well, I drive the

possum van, ed, okay?

Can you just show

us the lobster?

Sure. Sure.

Okay.

There's your lobster.

Okay, you happy?

Where'd you catch

these lobsters, ed?

Possum lake.

Well, there's no lobsters

in possum lake.

That's fresh water.

It's not

that fresh.

Okay, these are

crayfish, ed.

You know, I knew you'd

wimp out on me,

so I brought

my own lobster.

What?!

Gotten out.

Well, he must've

probably just under

the table here.

Well, I'm gonna sit

over in this area then.

What? What?

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Oh! He's on

your backside!

Ed, he's on

your backside.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I guess they're

bottom feeders.

[ cheers and applause ]

there are seven wonders

in this world,

and all of them are great.

But be sure to get

your septics pumped,

because you don't

wanna see number eight.

This ever happen to you...

You're driving along,

minding your own business,

and suddenly it

comes to your attention

that you're

completely lost,

you have no clue

where you are,

and like so many other

aspects of your life,

you're on a

dead-end street?

Now, this wouldn't

be a major problem,

if you had room

to turn around.

But unfortunately they don't

always build roads that way

and for sure they don't

build cars that way.

That's because of

this distance right here.

Between the front tire

and the back tire.

That's called

the wheel base.

If you've got a

long wheel base,

you get a real

comfortable ride,

but you gotta go to the

salt flats to turn around.

If you got a

short wheel base,

oh, sure you can turn

around on a dinner plate,

but the ride is like being

on the tilt-a-whirl.

Wouldn't it be great

if somebody invented

a variable

wheel base car,

long when you're

on a long ride,

short when you're

in a short turn?

Well, don't expect the big

three to come up with

the answer.

That's what

handyman corner's for.

[ tires spinning,

engine revving ]

all you really need

is a boat trailer.

But you wanna take

the winch off there

because you gotta remount

that on your vehicle.

Oh, yeah, and your vehicle

needs to be front-wheel-drive.

That way you can take the

whole rear wheel axle

assembly off there

without hurting

the drive train.

And then, again,

there's no rules there.

You can take that

rear axle off

with whatever technology

is available to you.

Now, a winch is

supposed to be

for pulling a boat

up onto a trailer.

But we're going to use it

for pulling the trailer

down under the car.

That's why had to

take her off there

so I could mount

it on the car

somewhere where I could

get at it easily.

I'm thinking right

here near the sun roof.

The only other

alteration we need

is something to guide

the tongue of the trailer

when it comes up

under the car.

Something to keep

her good and snug.

Loose tongues have a way

of getting guys like me

into trouble.

So I'm thinking something

kinda horseshoe-shaped

that I would hang under

the middle of the bumper.

In fact,

I'm thinking horseshoe.

There's nothing more

horseshoe shaped than that.

[ spitting dust

out of his mouth ]

[ jack creaking ]

[ winch winding ]

okay, all's

I have to do now

is attach my winch cable to

the back end of my trailer.

Then we're ready

to give her a go.

If there are any car

designers watching this,

you may be getting

a few phone calls.

And emergency room doctors,

you may get a

few calls yourself.

Okay, I think it's time

for a demonstration

of the world's first variable

wheel base luxury automobile.

But before I do that,

remember...

If the women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ winch creaking ]

[ metal groaning ]

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪ ]

I wanna talk to

you guys out there

who have run up a few decades

on the old odometer of life

and are way off warranty.

You know, I heard it said

that age is a state of mind.

Well, so is insanity.

Age is a state of body.

Believe me.

In our society

if you're not young,

you're old.

You better get

ready for that.

Some day soon you'll

be riding a bus,

and that pretty young thing

you've been sneaking a peak at

is gonna get up

and offer you her seat.

And you better take it

because when that happens,

you're gonna need one.

Now, don't go nuts and

buy yourself a ferrari

or something.

If you need a car at all,

you wanna get something

conservative and normal.

A ferrari is a

mid-life crisis.

What you need is

a mid-life chrysler.

So I say, just embrace the

autumn of your life.

If you don't,

you'll be riding for a fall.

You may think you're still

basking in the last warm

rays of youth,

but that's either a hot flash

or last night's chili.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you;

we're all in

this together.

[ cheers and applause ]

your backyard smells

like a dinosaur grave.

You get more light headed

with each passing wave.

A guest lit a match

and ignited your lawn.

You've been

going and going,

but we can make it gone.

Looks like the men's

fishing weekend has

hit a snag.

The women have

formed a kind of one-way

blockade around the lodge.

They'll let the

guys come in,

but they're not letting

anybody get out.

Actually, dalton's trying

to run the gauntlet

right now.

It's not much of a gauntlet,

but it's dalton,

so it's not much

of a run either.

Hey, hey,

harold!

Why don't we just

call the police?

I phoned the

sheriff at home,

but his wife won't

let him come to

the telephone.

[ breathing heavily ]

I almost made it.

There were just

too many knitters.

[ laughter and applause ]

I said you shouldn't

lie to them.

You're a real

weiner, harold.

Red, these women

are serious..

You know how all our

vehicles are in their names

so we get better

insurance rates?

Well, word is they're going

to trade in all our

cars and trucks

for some sporty,

little, girly jobs.

Man we better

get out there,

or we'll all

be driving miatas.

Hey! Don't worry, guys!

I've got it all

figured out.

Boy, I wish this

was good news.

We're going to dig

our way to freedom.

They haven't built the

lodge that can hold me.

I've noticed that the basement

walls are pretty spongy.

We should hit

daylight in 24 hours.

Mike, mike, mike,

mike, mike...

Do me a little

favour...

Dig away

from the lake.

[ laughter ]

thank you.

Okay.

This is obviously a

symptom of a long-term

misunderstanding.

Is it so hard for you guys

to admit that you made

a mistake?

To your boss: Fine;

to your friends: Okay;

but when you admit

a mistake to your wife,

and your wife just happens

to be ann marie humphrey,

then that is something

you will regret, harold.

Maybe not today;

maybe not tomorrow;

but some day and for

the rest of your life.

Red green [voiceover]:

Walter had asked me to

meet him out behind the lodge

because he had a

trailer on his car,

and he wanted a little help

backing her into the garage.

So I got -- he wanted me

in the passenger seat,

which kind of surprised me.

And then -- okay.

So I thought, I'll just go

around and get him to

scoot over,

but of course he

didn't wanna scoot over.

So sometimes you gotta do

what you gotta do.

So you know having a

trailer can be difficult.

Like a boat trailer might

have a short reach on it,

or what have you.

And walter just wanted

somebody to either guide him

or teach him a little

bit about it.

But he insisted on taking the

first try on his own.

So he just pulled her up,

and he got from drive

into reverse.

So that impressed me,

but I think the problem

here -- yeah, good luck.

Now, he was --

okay, you're off to a --

okay, that's a bad --

okay, you know what?

My life is too short

for a lot of this.

So, walter,

you just watch,

then what you do on your free

time is none of my business.

So I just bring her

right back in.

I've done a fair bit of this,

so it's not a --

and it's just that easy.

And then there's your keys,

and we're done.

Yep. All right.

Now, what surprised me was

walter just wanted to

give her a try,

like, right away.

He didn't wanna wait.

You know, I think I made

it look to darned easy.

And that was --

no, see, you gotta

use the mirrors.

Don't just --

and then don't --

we're over here.

Oh, okay, so what did I leave

over there that was --

I think there was

some garbage there,

no, wait a minute.

That's where I parked

the van, I think.

Yeah, thank you, walter.

Okay, so now I'm trying

to convince him --

I put some truck

mirrors on there.

Now he can just --

you don't wanna be looking

be looking forward.

You wanna look

into the mirrors.

And take it a

little slower!

No! No! No! No!

Oh!

How was that

possible, walter?

And he says,

"it was in my blind spot."

oh, man!

So then he gets the idea

what needs actually

is more mirrors!

So he's got the

full-length mirror;

he's got the van -- he's got

every mirror from the lodge

he's got duct taped

to the front of car.

Now he's gonna back her up

strictly using the mirrors.

That's gonna

be bright, wow!

There you go.

All right.

Now, just take

it easy, walter.

Just take it --

I got out of there.

And -- uh-oh.

Don't like the look of this.

No, he's all right.

No, no, left.

That's good.

That's good.

All right.

You're good.

Slow down!

Slow down!

Oh, gosh.

No, no, you missed her.

You missed her.

Come on bring her back.

Bring her around.

Bring her around.

Okay, right! Right!

No, left!

Hard left.

Hard left.

Hard left.

There you go.

[ cheers and applause ]

you know they say orange

juice is good for you.

Well, not if you have a

heart attack squeezing it.

And for what?

I can get more juice than

that out of a dead battery.

And speaking of dead batteries

and heart attacks,

what this formula needs is

a little bit more power.

So instead of squeezing

the orange by hand,

get yourself one of

these blood pressure cuffs

stick the orange

down inside that.

You can actually get these

things for free from your

doctor's office.

Some people call

it stealing;

I call it 'payback'

for leaving me alone

in the examination room

with no pants on.

Okay, snug that up

around the orange.

Okay, now, yes, you could

pump that up by hand,

but as I said to you earlier,

I'm looking for

just a little bit

more juice.

[ pump squeaking ]

just the way like it...

Extra pulp.

[ women chanting ]

well, we've hit a bit

of a stalemate here,

which describes most

of our marriages.

The men are still

trying to go fishing,

and the women are

still trying to stop us.

Well, I'm with the

women on this one.

Not a big

surprise, is it?

Why? Why?

Because I'm

sensitive.

Yes. Yes.

You know it doesn't make

you less of a man to be

sensitive, uncle red.

You can afford

to be more sensitive.

Well, you can't afford

to be less of a man.

Hey,

mike's doing great

digging that tunnel.

Boy, you can tell

he's done it before.

Hey! That's my remote!

Look, they took the

batteries out of it.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Look, there's a

note attached.

What's it say?

Well, it's a list

of their demands.

They just want us

to make a suggestion.

Oh, no!

We're scuppered.

Oh! Oh!

Okay! Okay!

All right, how about

maybe you invite the women

to join you on

the fishing trip?

Harold might

be right, dalton.

I still like

the tunnel idea.

Hey, guys,

what?

Bad news.

Oh!

Ew!

I hit the

septic tank.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time!

You guys

go ahead.

You go!

You go,

and I'll follow.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And I would just like

to say I was wrong.

I apologize.

And I'd be very honoured if

you'd accompany me

on the fishing trip.

Something I've

always wanted to do,

but you know what

the other guys are like.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the gang at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

harold: Okay, here he is.

Everybody take your seats.

Take your seats.

We're about to begin.

All rise.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Okay, guys, I've got

some good news for you.

First, the women have

called off the protest,

and we're all

free men again.

[ applause ]

now, in order for

that to happen,

I've invited them

all to join us

on our fishing trip

this weekend.

[ weak applause ]

harold: Okay, I'm alone there.

Here's the surprising

part of it.

They were real pleased

that we asked them to,

but they turned

us down.

[ ch and applause ]

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