Harold's Leaving/Transcript

The complete transcript for Harold's Leaving

Opening Scene
''{Red is standing indoors next to a large window. A bird flies into the window and bounces off.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now that's exactly what I'm talking about. How come birds want to get inside the house so bad, eh? I mean, they turn down all that blue sky, the freedom and wide open spaces... Y'know, birds hitting windows is like people getting married. {another bird flies into the window} That was the same bird. Now that kind of logic is impressive, isn't it? Huh? Y'know what I think? I think we need something there to distract them. Something that'll make the birds stop before they even get to the window. I'm thinkin' bird feeder!

''{Red reaches down and picks up a bird feeder, holding it up in front of the window. Immediately, dozens of birds start flying into the window. He sets the feeder down again, and the birds stop.}''

RED GREEN: That should go on the outside. {one more bird hits the window.}

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Red Green Show! Ha ha ha! And now, here's the man who made television what it is today. Your host, your hero, my uncle. {Red starts to walk into the Lodge} The man who brought the Great Outdoors indoors and left a lot of dirty footprints doing it. {Red looks confused, then turns around and walks back out the door} The man who is here now! He's the last of his breed, but certainly not the least of his breed. He's the one who has that vision. Leaders don't have it often, but this leader does, {Red walks back in again, looking even more confused, then heads back out again} especially when he has a half-case of beer or so. The man who natives call "Dances with Duct Tape". A man whose shoes will never be filled, {Red peeks in from the door again} unless of course he's walking on sand without socks. The man who set out to prove the critics wrong! {Red walks up next to Harold, looking annoyed} The man who set out to prove the major networks wrong, and all their advisors! The man who set out to prove that the- the general viewing audience is wrong! And he went out to prove that the higher educational authorities were wrong, and the mainstream psychiatric profession&mdash;

RED GREEN: {yelling} Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: {startled} Doh! Red Green!

''{The audience cheers, and Red waves flatly, glancing annoyedly at Harold. Harold looks uncomfortable.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. {looks at his watch} Well, we're out of time.

HAROLD GREEN: Sorry for that. I just wanted to give you an introduction with some heat and hype, because, y'know, you really need the momentum.

RED GREEN: Ah-huh? Well, maybe I wouldn't need the momentum if I wasn't carrying all that dead weight. {points at Harold} What do you think about that, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: You going on a diet? {laughs}

RED GREEN: {sarcastically} That's funny.

HAROLD GREEN: {stepping closer to Red} No, I just said that because I was giving you a good introduction because it might be the last one I ever give you, right? You never know! You never know! You never know! So, I thought I'd give you a good introduction, y'know, go out with a bang. Y'know, some energy, some oomph!

RED GREEN: Now Harold, don't you be teasing an old man and getting his hopes up. I already went through that with Viagra. Anyway, where would you be going, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, me? I'm going to University!

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah, you won't have to worry about me any longer. I'm going on for a higher education, getting on my with my life.

RED GREEN: {sarcastically} Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

RED GREEN: {chuckling, still not getting it} Yeah, yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! Yeah!

{The Red Green Show logo appears}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game, and joining my Uncle Red today is Mr. Dalton Humphrey of the Humphrey Everything Store. And we're playing for a very special international cuisine-type prize today, wa ha ha!, from Warren's House of Condiments: "Ketchups Of The World!" Yeah, you're gonna like that one.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Humphrey to say this word. ''{Dalton covers his ears. Harold brings out a sign and holds it up to the audience}'' Charity. {starts to set the sign down, then picks it up again} Charity.

RED GREEN: All right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {sets the sign down, then yells in Dalton's ear} GO! {Dalton flinches}

RED GREEN: All right, Dalton, this begins at home.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Bad mood?

RED GREEN: Okay, this is something that you do because it feels good, or maybe it's a tax deduction, eh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Have kids?

RED GREEN: No. Okay, okay, when you put a dollar in the UNICEF box, it's–

DALTON HUMPHREY: –because the kid wouldn't give me change.

RED GREEN: All right, say somebody's begging you for money because they want to get clothing or food or something, and you got no chance of ever seeing anything from it. You would call that...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Family.

RED GREEN: No, how about giving support to the less fortunate? What would that be?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looks confused} Sorry, I'm not familiar with that.

RED GREEN: Oh man. The Salvation Army! That's a place for...

DALTON HUMPHREY: {adjusts his tie} Men's apparel at affordable prices.

HAROLD GREEN: {amused} Almost outta time, Uncle Red. {Dalton gestures frantically} You're not even close, he's not even gonna get it.

RED GREEN: No?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh no, you know why? I'll tell you why. Your clues are bad. Bad! {laughs} Ultra bad.

RED GREEN: Alright, Dalton, remember Susie McClintock agreed to go on that date with Harold?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, charity!

RED GREEN: There we go. {starts ringing the bell, and Dalton cheers while Harold looks chagrined.}

Red's Campfire Song
RED GREEN:


 * Well have you ever seen a wrinkled dog, covered with creases and folds?
 * Either too much skin or not enough bones, it makes him look tired and old.
 * A wrinkly dog seemed odd to me, kinda dangerous jumpin' a fence.
 * But since I put on a pound or two, extra skin makes a lot more sense.

{Harold imitates a dog howling.}

Plot Segment 2
''{Harold is trying to open a drawer in a desk. It suddenly flies out and lands on the floor behind him. Red walks in carrying Harold's audio switcher while Harold turns around to pick up the drawer.}''

RED GREEN: What're you doing, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {startled, spilling the drawer's contents on the desk and floor} What!? Oh, hi! I was just looking for some of my stuff.

RED GREEN: None of your stuff here, Harold. {sets the switcher on the desk, gesturing to the items on the desk} This is all real stuff. This is stuff you use in the real world, not stuff you use in college, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah? Well, I found my lucky pencil. {holds up a pencil}

RED GREEN: {takes the pencil} Oh, no no no, you don't need a pencil, no no no. Pencils are for people who make mistakes, Harold. You can erase a pencil. College boys don't make mistakes, do they, huh? College boys use pens, or those indurable markers, don't they?

HAROLD GREEN: {annoyed} Indelible markers.

RED GREEN: Pardon me?

HAROLD GREEN: {quieter} Indelible markers.

RED GREEN: Yeah. {pauses} Harold, you can't go away to college, and that's it. I'm sorry.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, why not?

RED GREEN: Well, uh... well, who's gonna produce and direct the show, for starters?

HAROLD GREEN: Huh! Well... {shocked} I nev– Oh, I'm sorry! I never even thought of that! I never even ''thought! Ohhhhhh!'' Oh, I just can't take off, can I?

RED GREEN: You can't, sir. You can't walk away from your com– As much as I'd like to see you go, Harold, I just, I just– You can't leave your jobs no matter how bad you were doing 'em. Y'know? {Harold shakes his head} I appreciate it.

HAROLD GREEN: I cannot believe that I didn't think of that! Oh, I'm sorry.

RED GREEN: Fair enough.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, well, whose fault? My fault. Okay.

RED GREEN: Water under the bridge, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I'm s– {stands up, starts slapping his forehead} All right... {picks up his switcher}

RED GREEN: It happens, it happens. Good to have you back, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: What? No, I was just going to say that this button here? {presses a button on the switcher, causing the camera angle to change} That's the one that switches cameras, okay? {presses another button, and the camera angle changes again} That's your sound levels right there. {presses another button, causing a logo of The Red Green Show to appear briefly} That's your graphics.

''{Harold presses another button. A video clip slides in from the left, showing Red next to a lake with a boat made out of heating ducts. The clip slides back out again.}''

HAROLD GREEN: That switches the next segment into the next segment. Okay, that's all queued up, that one. {indicates another button} This is your power button, play...

''{Harold presses the button, and a black and white video clip appears, showing Red and Bill standing under a ladder. Bill walks around toward the front of the ladder.}''

HAROLD GREEN: This is stop. {cut back to Harold and Red} There! Huh? Now you're all set to run the show the way you've always wanted to. {sets the switcher down} On your own. All by yourself. {sadly} Yeah, well, because I know you've said that so many times, and it's something you've always been looking forward to. {Red looks unsure about how to respond} And well, I wanted to, I wanted to say, {seriously} that after all these years of being together, I want to thank you very much for putting up with all of my incompetence. {walks out of the room}

AUDIENCE: Awwww...

RED GREEN: Uhhh, um... {looks uncomfortable and confused, picks up the switcher} Uhhhh...

''{Red presses a button on the switcher. A series of sound effects play. The Red Green Show logo slides in from the left, then slides up out of the screen. Behind that, Bill's face appears. Red presses more buttons, causing random squares to flicker on the screen. Then several extremely short video clips play. Red starts banging on the switcher. The screen abruptly switches to a black 3 on a blue background, which counts down to 2 and beeps.}''

Handyman Corner
{Red is sitting in an old recliner next to the lake.}

RED GREEN: If you're the kind of person who would enjoy spending your quality family time out fishing, y'know, by yourself, you're really gonna love the project on this week's Handyman Corner.

''{Cut to a wide shot, showing the Handyman Corner sign sitting next to the chair, along with a circular saw. A boat is visible behind him. Red tries to recline the chair.}''

RED GREEN: Sure, they got comfortable fishing boats, but are any of them as comfortable as your favorite recliner? {chuckles} No sir. {lies all the way back in the recliner} So I say we take some of the comfort out of your home and put 'er out onto the lake. Now, you could just take your favorite chair and stick it into your favorite boat there, but that would be kinda tippy {starts struggling to sit back upright} and probably look foolish. And if there's one thing a handyman has, {struggles more with the chair, then gives up and sits up with the recliner back still down} it's his dignity. {stands up and walks over to a pile of heating ducts} And bruises. So what we're gonna do is, we're gonna mount that chair onto a couple of pontoons we're gonna make out of these {slaps one of the ducts} home heating ducts. Now the first thing you wanna do is to seal up all the openings here. I would suggest, don't go cheap on this. {pulls out a roll of duct tape and peels off a strip} It's your life that's at stake, so use the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {starts laying the duct tape across the opening of one of the ducts}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has covered the openings of several ducts and numbered them. He is currently covering the opening of a duct labeled "13".}''

RED GREEN: You can pick up these ducts pretty cheap down at the hardware store. But if you're like me and don't have the deep pockets, just go down to the basement there and just rip 'em right out of your whole house. You won't need heat this time of year, and might as well be using 'em for something, right? Oh, just be sure that you number them {taps the "13" duct} so you can reinstall them come next winter.

''{Wipe again. Red has assembled the ducts into a long, U-shaped boat with two pontoons connected by two crossbeams. He is adding a last piece of duct tape to one end.}''

RED GREEN: All right, that's got us our catamaran, or ductamaran. {chuckles, gets in front of the boat} Boy oh boy, kind of an emotional moment! Not very often you get to build a whole boat in less than a day. {looks at his watch} Actually, less than an hour. {pushes the boat into the lake and watches it float for a moment} Okay, the hull's seaworthy. Now all we gotta do is add the furniture. Actually, I should say, her hull is seaworthy, eh? Boats are called "she", because they keep men out of the deep stuff.

''{Wipe again. Red sets down a plank with a fish duct-taped to it. The camera pans right to reveal a variety of living room furniture near the boat, including a cabinet with a lamp on it.}''

RED GREEN: Now we got a little more buoyancy than I figured on there, so we can really outfit our boat in style. {walks toward the recliner} Now, one of those has gotta be your recliner, because it's gonna be out in the elements there. Experience tells me to go with one of your heavier man-made fabrics... ''{picks up the cover and sniffs it, then starts coughing violently. He then starts dragging the recliner toward the boat}'' ...because you know the water won't bother it too bad, and if you get bait or fish guts on there, you can just hose it off with a beverage. {coughs} One way or another. {coughing more}

''{Wipe again. The camera zooms out from the fish on the board, to reveal that Red has attached all of his furniture to the boat with duct tape. The recliner is mounted on the back of the boat, facing cabinet and lamp and a number of other items attached to the front end. An outboard motor is mounted between Red's legs and between the pontoons of the boat.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I got all my furniture in place, and I duct-taped her down so she won't be moving. And I mounted an outboard motor here, got 'er hooked on to the footboard of my reclining chair there. And I've gone with a three-and-a-half, or maybe this is even a five, but don't go more than that because you don't wanna be straddling too much horsepower at my age. Oh, and another thing. Make sure you make a visit to the restroom before you leave shore. Unless it's foggy. All right! {rubs his hands together} Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, {starts the motor} they should at least find you handy.

{Red drives the boat away from shore and out into the lake, waving back at the camera as he leaves.}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to you guys about your wives' clothes shopping. I don't mean her shopping for her. I mean her shopping for you. Y'know she says "You need something half decent"? Huh? You know what that means: Uncomfortable. Some embarrassing designer outfit that makes you look like a Las Vegas circus monkey. See, that's just her way of saying "You look bad". Oddly, though, you think she looks fine. But how would you know if she looks fine or not? It's not like she encourages you to comparison-shop other women in the looks department. But here's my advice: Go ahead. Get yourself some new clothes. Oh, I know, you'd rather hack off your own leg with dull tin-snips. But here's what you do: Act enthusiastic. Oh yeah. Suggest you go to the highest-end clothing store in town. Huh? And tell her you need some help picking out some fancy new cologne. Something with a sexy name, like "Obsessive", or "Outrage", or "Stud Muffin". See, the fun for her is making you over into something you're not. Improving you. And if she thinks you're enjoying it, that's not an improvement. That'll take the wind out of her sa– Just don't overdo it, or she'll think you're having an affair. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

New Member Night
{Red, Harold and Winston are standing in front of a group of Lodge members, along with a man wearing a checkered shirt and a baseball cap.}

RED GREEN: All right, this is New Member Night, and Winston Rothschild has a fella he's gonna present, see if he may become a new member of Possum Lodge. All right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Thanks, Red. I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce my old friend and fellow Possum Lake entrepreneur, Mitchell Thick. Now, Mitch and I met several years ago, professionally, of course. As you know, I operate Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Mitch here runs Thick's Manure Spreading Limited. Which of course is a division of Back Forty Enterprises. Sure, you've heard the radio ads, "If it's Thick, it's a load off your mind." And talk about trust. Mitch is the only guy here in town that I'll do business with on a handshake. Now I know, I know, I know you're looking at me and saying, "Oh, he's too fancy for us!" But don't let appearances fool you, because under this... snappy shirt, is a man every bit as good as you and me.

RED GREEN: All right, all those in favor of having this guy join the Lodge? {Nobody raises their hand.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And he's got a bass boat that'll hold eight guys!

''{Everyone raises their hands enthusiastically. Winston and Red shake Mitchell's hand and congratulate him.}''

The Experts
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Experts portion of the show, that part of the show where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say: {gestures to the audience}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! True that, eh? Okay, well, joining my Uncle Red on the Experts portion of the show today is a very good friend of his, right out of his tree, Ranger Gord! And our letter today is from a viewer in North Bay, Ontario, and she writes: "Dear Experts," {points to Red and Gord} la la la! "Last year, my husband was camping and got struck by lightning. He's wondering if his memory would be affected, but in fact–"

RANGER GORD: {interrupting, very angry} Oh fiddlesticks! Sticks don't fiddle, that's a– that's fiddlesticks! Take that fiddle and stick it! {more calmly} See, if anything, lightning improves your memory. The brain uses electricity, and lightning is electricity, so there's a lifetime of thinking in one lightning bolt. {angrily} So how can that not improve your memory, huh? Huh!?

HAROLD GREEN: {sits nervously for a moment, staring and pointing at the letter} aaaaAAAaaa! She goes on to say, "In fact, his memory is about the same! But he's noticed a tendency toward violent mood swings." {laughs nervously} "Have any of you outdoorsy people noticed that and can you tell me what to expect from here on in?" {looks expectantly at Gord}

RANGER GORD: ''{sits looking down at the floor distractedly for a moment, then looks back up and notices Red and Harold looking at him. Cheerfully}'' Yes?

RED GREEN: {still flinching slightly} Uhh, so Gord, you're up in the watch tower for eighteen years, so I guess you must have got dinged a couple times by lightning, huh?

RANGER GORD: Oh boy, Red, I tell ya, if I had a buck for every time I had my batteries charged... {laughs}

{Red and Harold exchange glances and laugh.}

RANGER GORD: {angrily} What's that supposed to mean, huh? What's that look about!? What, you think this whole lightning thing is some kind of joke!? Huh!? {stands up and looms over Harold}

HAROLD GREEN: {fearfully} No! No! It's no joke! We're not joking! It's a legitimate letter, it's a legitimate letter!

RANGER GORD: {sits back down, looking happy again} Okay then.

RED GREEN: So, um, would you say that lightning has affected you at all, Gord?

RANGER GORD: Oh, of course it did, Red. It actually improved my personality. I used to be very shy, and I became a forest ranger so I could go up there and meet people and get over my shyness. But I found that after my first lightning strike, it was actually easier to make friends up there.

RED GREEN: Uh, okay, Gord. You were up there all by yourself, you know.

RANGER GORD: Oh, ohhh no I wasn't. No way. Not in my mind! No, there's a whole bunch of us up there. Great guys. And gals! ''{laughs to himself disturbingly. Harold laughs along with him.}'' Ohhh yeah! Ohhh baby! Yeah, we talk about all kinds of things. Travel, politics, bacon. But you know, I had a job to do, so every time there was a violent lightning storm, I'd stand on top of my tower and hold my lightning rod up high and scare away the lightning.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I don't really know how to answer this lady's question about lightning strikes, other than to suggest maybe, firstly, stay away from forest watching.

RED GREEN: I would say stay away from Ranger Gord.

RANGER GORD: {distractedly} Do you smell bacon?

RED GREEN: That's you.

Plot Segment 3
''{Red and Harold are standing around in the Lodge. Harold is walking toward the door.}''

RED GREEN: Uh, Harold, uh, I think I need you to stay and, uh... y'know, I'm thinking, if you wanna do the show, maybe we can work something out, y'know, some kind of–

HAROLD GREEN: Wha, what about university?

RED GREEN: No, I'm just saying that, if you were desperate, you know, ya had to do the show, maybe we could work around your schedule?

HAROLD GREEN: haha! No no no, that's a good one– I could only stay around if I knew you thought I was good at my job. Y'know, that you needed me and you wanted me to produce and direct. Y'know, I need to hear things like that.

RED GREEN: Well, yeah. Y'know, whatever, I can say that. Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} So...

RED GREEN: So you're staying! That's great!

HAROLD GREEN: {exasperated} What, did I miss something? Did I miss the part where, "Harold, please stay here and don't go to school, come around now and then, we can work around your schedule." Did I miss that? Or maybe better yet, "Harold, go to a university in the area so you can come back more often, because I have no idea what I'm doing! I don't know how to produce and direct the show! I don't know how to put things together! I don't know how to run the machines, I don't know how to make the crew happy! I don't know how to make the guests feel welcome! I don't know what's going on at all, Harold!" Tell me the truth, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Harold, you want the truth?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes!

RED GREEN: You want the truth?

HAROLD GREEN: {emphatically} I want the truth!

RED GREEN: I can't handle the truth!

HAROLD GREEN: {teasing} I know that! I know that! Ha ha!

RED GREEN: Wait a minute! You weren't accepted at any American university, were ya?

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs}

RED GREEN: Were ya?

HAROLD GREEN: {seriously} No.

RED GREEN: Ohhhhh! Well, then this is great, everybody got what they wanted, you're back doing the show, let's go, Harold. Let's wrap 'er up.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh no no, how the, wait, ho, wait there mister man! What about my demands? How about the part where you tell me you wanted me, that I'm good at my job, what about that?

RED GREEN: {pauses} C'mere.

''{Red takes Harold by the shoulder and steps away for a moment. He whispers into Harold's ear for a few seconds, and Harold makes squeaking noises in response. After a moment, the two turn back toward the audience.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {crying} You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that. Those are very special words to me! {leans over and sobs on Red's shoulder for a moment}

RED GREEN: I never thought I'd have to say that, but, heck, if paying him ten bucks a day makes a difference, I say go for it!

HAROLD GREEN: {cheers, continues to cry} Thank you.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's meeting time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, down you go, Harold. You go on, you can tell the guys the bad news, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. {laughs} I'm not gonna tell them about the money, though.

RED GREEN: No no no.

HAROLD GREEN: No, because then they'll want some. {runs for the stairs}

RED GREEN: Yeah. Away you go. Away you go. {to the camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and, you know, honey, if you could figure out a way we could save ten bucks a day... You know, I'd give you five bucks a day, so hey, figure out a way to save fifteen bucks a day, eh? All right. {to audience} And to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and the big nerd on campus, and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. {waves, then heads for the stairs}

''{Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Red walks down the stairs to the front of the room.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Take your seats, take your seats, we're gonna start here in a moment, take your seats. {Red reaches the spot next to Harold} All rise.

{The Lodge members all stand up and cross their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando omni flunkus moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone except Harold sits down}

HAROLD GREEN: {excited} I'm getting paid for the show! {everyone starts waving and yelling at Harold} I'm getting paid, oh yes! I didn't say the money, it's ten bucks! waaahahaa! Who's the money man? I'm the money man! Ha ha!