It's A Wonderful Red Green Christmas/Transcript

Opening Scene
''{A message reads, "With thanks to CBC North and the people of Yellowknife, NWT". Then the camera fades in on Red, dressed in a jacket, snow boots and wearing skunk-pelt mittens. He shuffles into the scene holding a huge bundle of Christmas-themed lawn ornaments in his arms.}''

RED GREEN: You know, every year, I– I put these decorations out on the lawn at Christmas. This time, I thought I'd be a little more ambitious!

''{Red walks a few more inches, then slips and falls off the roof he was standing on. The ornaments all come crashing down on top of him.}''

Intro
{The Lodge is decorated for Christmas.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's a Wonderful Red Green Christmas! And now, here he is, of course, it's the guy who comes up your roof, my uncle, your host and hero, Red Green!

{Red enters the Lodge wearing a jacket and waves to the audience.}

HAROLD GREEN: All right! That's good!

RED GREEN: Thank you very, very much. Appreciate it, in all the best of the holiday season, to each and every one of you. This is our very first Christmas special. I'd like to apologize, first of all, for being so crass as to take advantage of the whole Christmas thing, and I'd also like to apologize for taking so darn long to think of it!

HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, I really don't think you have to apologize for being insensitive. People have come to expect that of you by now.

RED GREEN: {pointing out Harold} I'm sure you know my nephew, Harold, or as his parents call him, the Ghost of Christmas Past.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} I just think it's so cool! It's so cool, we're getting like a Christmas special! It's so cool! Not a lot of outdoor shows get a Christmas special.

RED GREEN: No, that's right, no. You know, the sports network did a couple: "Trolling for Presents". And the other one was "Frosty the Cold One".

HAROLD GREEN: Well, we're not here to talk about other people's mistakes, we've got lots of our own to show!

RED GREEN: That's right, so you just sit back and lower your standards. You'll have a happier Christmas, and it'll make this a better show!

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today, Mr. Mike Hamar gets to play for the opportunity to go to France! {Mike makes excited gestures} Yes! All expenses are paid. {puts on a sign around his neck, reading "FRANCE"} All you have to do is stick out your thumb. {poses like a hitchhiker} Oh, I know what you're thinking, and yes, the return ticket is included. {flips the sign over to read "HOME", and poses again with his other thumb} All right. Mr. Hamar... {picks up word sign} Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Hamar to say this word...

''{Harold turns the sign around. It displays on it the word "Giving".}''

HAROLD GREEN: "Giving". "Giving".

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {setting sign down on table} Okay, go!

RED GREEN: Uh, all right, Mike, uh, this is something people do at Christmas.

MIKE HAMAR: Argue?

RED GREEN: No, no, no. This is a happy thing, and people do it till it hurts.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, eat!

RED GREEN: Okay. Mike, this is better than just getting...

MIKE HAMAR: Getting... away?

RED GREEN: Okay, you know, they have a saying: "Christmas is the season for..."

MIKE HAMAR: ...lighter sentences.

RED GREEN: Okay, Mike! Okay, Mike. You wrap something up and you give it to somebody. What's that called?

MIKE HAMAR: {ashamed} Selling narcotics.

HAROLD GREEN: {holds up index finger} No! And it's almost out of time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Uh... Oh, I know! I know! There's an expression, okay? "Love is the gift that keeps on..."

MIKE HAMAR: ...requiring medication? My cell mate proved that. He was a very giving person.

RED GREEN: There we go! {rings the bell rapidly while Mike cheers}

Christmas Is... 1
''{Red walks along through a snowy environment, dragging a sled along behind him. He wanders through the woods and down a street past a row of small buildings.}''

RED GREEN: Christmas is, at least where I come from, snow. Apparently, the Inuit people now had 23 different words for snow. They've invented names for every kind of snow you got. They've got building snow, drifting snow, first snow, salty snow, watery snow, even something called beating snow. This got me wondering, how many names for snow do I know? Let's see, there's packing snow, powder snow, slush, sleet, black ice, flurries, whiteouts, dumped on, buried, and boy, it's really coming down. And there's "it's like a skating rink out there, I don't think I'd better head out in this mess, have you got a spare bed and another eggnog handy?" type of snow. Okay, that's only eleven names for snow. I got plenty more, but I can't say them on television, even in Inuit language.

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
{Red walks out into the Lodge basement holding a roll of duct tape.}

RED GREEN: This is the repair shop part of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying." {walks over to a bench with a jumbled pile of Christmas lights on it} Joining us today, we got Hap Shaughnessy. What do you got for us there, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, it's my Christmas lights, Red.

RED GREEN: {looking concerned} Oh, boy. Is this an untangle job, or is this... find-that-one-darn-bulb-that's-burned-out job? 'Cause they're both killers.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Nope, nothin'. {holds up a shredded wire in the pile} A rat chewed the plug off.

RED GREEN: {taking wire; amused} Hap, you don't know how to put a plug on a piece of wire? {starts reaching into the pile}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, but every time I try it, the rat bites. {Something bites Red's hand.}

RED GREEN: {pulling his hand back} Ow! {shakes and holds his hand} Oh. Aw, Hap! He's still in there, that's the main problem.

''{Red gingerly takes the pile of lights and moves it off the edge of the workbench. He shakes it over a trashcan under the workbench.}''

RED GREEN: {shaking the lights} Geez, he's really hanging on there. {shakes some more} You may have to do without Christmas lights, Hap.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, no, can't do that. Gotta hang the lights. I invented them.

RED GREEN: {looking puzzled} You invented Christmas lights?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yep. I only tried to save my platoon. On Christmas Day, we were surrounded, out of ammo, and our sergeant, Sergeant... Pepper... He wanted to surrender, but we were holed up in a light bulb factory, so I got this idea of stringing a whole lot of bulbs together, see, and then plugging them in and out real quick. Flash, flash, flash! And from a distance, it looked as though that was the flash of rifles firing. So I kept flashing the lights, the Germans stayed away, and the very next day, General Montgomery decided to give me the Congressional Medal of Honor.

RED GREEN: Now, that's incredible, Hap. A Canadian soldier getting an American medal from a British general. {looks perplexed}

Christmas Is... 2
{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is white snow on the trees, and people decorate their stock with Christmas things, and your breath is... well, you can see it, you know, so it's cold. You know, uh... You know what I mean. Look, okay, I guess this isn't very poetic, but sometimes, y'know, it's good just to give out facts about Christmas without embellishment. Just even– even point out for 'em things that are related to Christmas, like trees and presents and snowmen. Older people need a straightforward kind of approach so they understand what's going on around them. It's also good for people who aren't familiar with Christmas, like the Australians. They just wanna know the facts. If you want the facts, come to me. If you want poetry, read a bumper sticker.

Harold's Christmas Countdown
HAROLD GREEN: You know what I hate about Christmastime even more than fruitcake? {pauses} Nothing. I hate fruitcake. I can't-- It gets stuck in your teeth. You know, like... {makes faces} Well, it's like Groundhog Day or something. But a close second– a close second would be, like, waiting for Christmas Day to come, right? 'Cause I love Christmas, {frustrated, jumping up and down} and it TAKES SO LOOONG! Like, for instance, I wish like today was tomorrow, because that would be, like, one day closer to Christmas, but, y'know, it's not gonna happen, 'cause I gotta wait for today to end, and that's gonna be tomorrow sometime, so I've missed it. So what you gotta do is effectively come up with ways to kill time prior to Christmas actually arriving.

{Harold picks up a long chain made out of red and green construction paper.}

HAROLD GREEN: So each year, what I do is, each year, I create a red and green... {stops suddenly; laughs} Red and green, I said! I didn't even notice that before! That's so cool! {picks up one end of the chain, which has a cartoony reindeer head on it} What I do is this... a red and green, paper chain, reindeer, days left, wall-mounted calendar. And all you have to do is, every day that gets closer to Christmas, you just, y'know, tear off a link. {tears off a link at the other end of the chain} La-la, like that. You see? And now you've effectively killed, like, two seconds, right? It's gone, two seconds. Where'd it go? I don't know, it's gone. So now, all I gotta do is wait, like, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 58 seconds before I can tear off another one, kill some more time. {tears off another link} Just tear it right off like that.

{Harold pauses, looking alarmed.}

HAROLD GREEN: I tore off tomorrow. {pauses again, then frustrated} I'm gonna have NOTHING TO DO tomorrow! {hastily starts reattaching the link with scotch tape} You know what? You know what? I can effectively kill time by putting it all back together, you see? That's what I-- That's how I'll effectively kill time the next little while. And you know what's really interesting about all this, is none of this would even matter if I had a girlfriend. {continues fixing the paper link}

Arnie's Christmas Song
''{Arnie is playing a guitar with a splint on his middle finger. The camera slowly pans out to reveal Red blowing across the spout of a gas can and Harold clicking two spoons together.}''

ARNIE DOGAN: {singing}
 * Mama's in the kitchen
 * Butterin' the hog.
 * Dad is in the study
 * Feedin' brandy to the dog.

RED AND HAROLD: Dog.

ARNIE DOGAN:
 * Grandma and her boyfriend
 * Are sleepin' kinda late.
 * Auntie's in the pantry
 * Puttin' on some weight.
 * {brief pause, then loudly} I–

EVERYONE: {wildly}
 * I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
 * I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
 * I LOVE...{scene ends abruptly}

The Experts
{Harold, Red, Mike and Dalton sit around a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Merry Christmas, and welcome to the Expert portion of the show. This is that part of the show we like to examine those three little words that men find so hard to say: {gestures toward the audience}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah! That's what it was exactly! Okay, joining my Uncle Red on the Expert portion of the show today is– {looks toward Mike and Dalton} Whoa! Two experts in the– Okay! Mr. Mike Hamar and Mr. Dalton Humphrey! {the audience cheers as Mike and Dalton wave; Red claps bemusedly} Wow, that's great! Three whole experts! {giggles} Not quite the Three Wise Men, but... {shrugs}

RED GREEN: {gestures toward Harold, who picks up a letter} Well, at least we still got the expectant virgin.

''{Red laughs, and Harold suddenly stops and looks at the camera with a look of annoyance, likely towards his uncle. He then unfolds the letter.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Today's letter goes as follows: {reads letter} "I am eight years old, and a lot of my friends have recently told me there's no such thing as a Santa Claus. Please tell me the truth. Is there a Santa Claus?"

DALTON HUMPHREY: Is there a Santa Claus? What kind of question is that? I mean, you might as well ask, "Does Moose Thompson exist?"

MIKE HAMAR: Or if Mr. Green's wife, Bernice, exists.

RED GREEN: Well, Bernice better exist. Otherwise, I've been letting her parents visit for no good reason.

''{Red, Mike and Dalton look toward Harold. Harold looks perplexedly toward the camera.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, it'd be a terrible world to live in without Santa Claus.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, you know, I think this letter addresses a good point. I never got any presents from Santa when I was a kid, you know? So maybe he doesn't exist.

RED GREEN: Mike, you were a rotten kid. That's why Santa didn't bring you any presents.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {to Mike, accusingly} You stole my bicycle!

MIKE HAMAR: Well, how do you know it was me?

DALTON HUMPHREY: You used to ride back and forth in front of my house, riding it, {waves hand} waving and laughing.

MIKE HAMAR: {smiles} Oh yeah! {laughs}

RED GREEN: Well, to answer our viewer there, I just like to say that {gestures toward Harold} Harold here exists, so Santa Claus must exist. Otherwise, life isn't fair. {nods and smiles} I'll tell ya, {holds up one hand} Santa Claus exists as surely as Possum Lodge exists. {nods and smiles again}

HAROLD GREEN: I know sometimes it's hard to believe in a chubby guy with a beard, but you'll get used to it. {Red looks toward Harold perplexedly}

Christmas Is... 3
{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is, I guess, sharing, giving something of yourself. Sharing a gift, sharing a meal, sharing some good cheer, maybe even sharing some bad wine. Now, the real intention was probably to share with those less fortunate than me, but those people are always insulted that I think I'm more fortunate than them. Or fortunate at all. So I guess Christmas is the time of year that we feed and invite into our home people who don't need to be fed and have homes of their own. At least, that's what I do. I just focus my generosity on friends and family. That way, there's a better chance of a payback. Or as I call it, sharing.

Red's Christmas Countdown
''{Red walks into the same part of the Lodge where Harold had been standing during his Christmas Countdown segment a while ago. On the table in front of him is a sign that reads "Christmas Countdown". Harold's paper chain is hanging next to the door.}''

RED GREEN: I do a Christmas countdown thing. It's important to me when Christmas is, because the beer stores are closed. But, uh... {picks up part of Harold's paper chain} I don't like the thing that Harold did, the moose with the links and all that stuff. I'm more of a handyman than a crafty goof. I like the idea of the chain link though, so I say, {reaches under the table and picks up a large steel chain} let's use a real chain.

{Red sets the chain down on the table.}

RED GREEN: Sure, maybe it's heavy, and it's oily and dirty and so on. But you don't have to make it. It's already there. {picks up one end} You just hang that on the wall, {sets it down again and picks up a bolt cutter} and get your bolt cutter, and... {opens the bolt cutter and sets puts it on the end of the chain} Every time a day goes by, you just, uh... {starts trying to cut the chain, making no headway} You just, uh... You just--

''{Red struggles with the cutter, then starts pulling down on the handle as hard as he can for a long moment, making faces in the process. The cutter doesn't budge.}''

RED GREEN: {gasps, pauses} I'm finished having my family. {tries again to cut the chain with no success; giving up} All right, well, you get the idea on that. Y'know, when you go with the heavier chain, maybe it would be better if you just kinda let a few days go by. {holding up four links} See, if you let four days go by, then you just cut that link. {grabs the link in question} Then all the days-- That's what you do. Just cut every four days. Or... {picks up the other end of the chain} Y'know, what you could do is just hang it up, and wait for all the days to go by. Then on Christmas morning, first thing you do... {sweeps the chain onto the floor} Take the chain down! That's the handyman way! {walks to the exit}

Red's Poetry 1
{In a darkened corner of the lodge, Red and Harold sit together, reading from a book.}

RED GREEN:
 * 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all around the lodge,
 * Not a vehicle was stirring, not even my Dodge.

HAROLD GREEN:
 * The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
 * In the hopes that they'd stink less if they'd gotten some air.

RED GREEN:
 * The lodge members were nestled collapsed on their beds,
 * While visions of hangovers knocked on their heads.

Harold's Christmas Tips
''{Harold sits behind a table inside the lodge. On the table is a present, wrapped in duct tape.}''

HAROLD GREEN: I want to talk to you young people out there about one of the most important elements of Christmas: the gifts! And I'm not talking about the gifts you get. I'm talking about the ones you're supposed to give, okay? Like, you know, if you're on a limited budget, like I am, you know how difficult it is to spend the amount of money you actually have to the amount of people who are on your list, right? Haw! Yeah? That's hard! And plus, here's a quadrant for ya: how much– how are you gonna know if you spent the same amount of money on the person that you're buying for them that they spent on you? {shrugs and shakes head} You know the way to find out? Find out what they bought ya! {grins and raises eyebrows up and down} And how do you do this, you ask yourself? {giggles} The answer is simplicity itself: tear the house apart when everybody goes out. It's true! Okay, I recommend that you start in the back bedroom closet. Get in there and rifle around, okay? If it's a woman who hides the presents, you know what you do then? You go to rooms where men never go! That's where they hide 'em! These rooms being the laundry room, the pantry, the kitchen. This is excluding the fridge, naturally. {shrugs} Haw! And if you think you're brave enough, look under the kitchen sink. {suddenly looks nervous} Okay, now what happens if you find a present and it's unwrapped? Who's it for? You don't know. Wa-wa-wa! Maybe it's a gift that you kinda asked for and might be something you would want... It's probably yours. You know, 'cause adults have that way of never really grasping the proper present that you wanted. You know, like– like, for instance, you wanted a CD player, but you get, like, a one-slice toaster? You know? {waves hand near head} Adults! You know? Or particularly ugly costume kind of things. You know, like a shirt that's got, like, really puffy sleeves on it, you know, or a sweater with no sleeves? You know? {laughs; points at camera} That's yours. New level problem, okay? What if you find a gift and it's wrapped? {giggles} Okay, now, {puts present in front of him} what I've done is, I brought along an example. This is a gift that my Uncle Red will be giving me this Christmas. So, you get– What you do is you get yourself into a zen-like state, right, to figure it out.

{Harold slowly rolls his eyes upwards and then gets into a zen-like position and starts meditating.}

HAROLD GREEN: {meditating} Howwwww mmmmmmuch is it worth? And then, once you're in that state, you ask yourself a series of questions: can I see through the paper? {looks at present wrapping, all solid brown paper} No. Okay, will one of the seams lift up, that I can just peek in? {lifts up one seam and starts pulling at wrapping, tearing it} Oh! Why is the tape so nice? {paper starts tearing and unwrapping easily} Why does this paper tear so easily? {suddenly stops when he hears the sound of a car approaching and looks around nervously} Do I hear someone pulling up in the driveway? {car door is heard closing; cowers in fear, ducking down} Am I a dead man?!

RED GREEN: {entering the lodge} Harold!

''{Red walks up to Harold, who tries to hide the partially-unwrapped present in his arms. Harold then looks up at his uncle innocently. Red looks around and puts his hands on his hips.}''

RED GREEN: What are you doing?

HAROLD GREEN: Nothing.

RED GREEN: {scratches neck} Did you find...

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head} No! {shrugs with one hand while hiding present with the other}

RED GREEN: ...a gift?

HAROLD GREEN: No, I– No.

RED GREEN: Didn't find a gift?

HAROLD GREEN: No, I– No!

''{Red bends down and picks some of the plain brown wrapping paper that Harold tore off the present. He shows it to Harold.}''

RED GREEN: It was wrapped in this kind of paper.

HAROLD GREEN: {gasps, but quickly controls himself} Nope.

RED GREEN: Well, if you do find it, {points to Christmas tree in lodge} put it back under the tree, okay? It's for Bernice. She always peeks at the stuff I get her, {smiles} but I pulled a little trick this year. I put your name on the tag! {turns and leaves}

Handyman Corner
''{Red is standing outside the lodge in a lot with several vehicles and a camper in it. He closes the door to a small SUV with a flat tire and walks toward the camera.}''

RED GREEN: Christmas is a great family time, isn't it? Really brings the relatives together. What a shame that nobody gets on your nerves faster than your loved ones. Somebody says the wrong thing or looks at somebody the wrong way. Next thing you know, everybody's going home with an eye socket full of mashed potatoes. {walks around a boat on a trailer} You know the best way to avoid that? Get yourself a project that gets you out of the house. Y'know, a handyman's Christmas special. How about making a one-horse open sleight from a one-hundred-horse open K? {gestures to a nearby car} K-car, that is. Y'know, the open sleigh really was a pioneer version of the convertible. So the first step is to get the roof right off the unit. Actually, I did that using my garage door.

''{Cut to a shot above the car. The entire top of the car has been sheared off and is sitting behind the car. The garage door behind it is open at about the same height and is visibly damaged. Red walks up to the car.}''

RED GREEN: It's not really as hard as it looks to do that. What you do is, you just come driving out of the garage and accidentally sit on the remote, down with the door, 'cause it just peels it right off... clean, but don't forget to duck. {opens the driver's door} Alright now, we're gonna put an old-fashioned high open sleigh driver's seat into this unit, so all I gotta do is, first of all, get the old seat outta there!

''{Red starts pulling the seat out of the car. Wipe to a later scene. Red has succeeded in pulling the seat out of the car. He tosses it aside.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. {looks down at the floor} Oh, uh, looks like some of the floor came up with the seat, there. {there is a large hole under the steering wheel} That– No, that's a good thing, because we can see right down through the floor when we're driving. That's always handy. Y'know, if you run over somebody, you get a chance to apologize to them as they go by the hole.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red carries a tall bar chair to the car.}''

RED GREEN: We don't actually have any antique sleigh seats, but we do have a lot of tall bar stools. {sets the chair down in the car} The trick is finding an empty one! Especially this time of year. So I'm gonna stick the stool behind the hole, and I'm gonna snug her down there with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. I'll tell ya, the problem, though, is in the cold weather, the duct tape just doesn't stick very well, but here's a trick I learned from my friends up in the Elamites: {removes one hand from mitten} what you do is, you {gestures toward himself} keep the duct tape inside your clothes, next to your skin, and your body heat keeps it sticky. {feels around inside his coat; pulls out something unusual} What the heck is that?

''{Wipe to a later scene. The bar stool has been attached firmly to the floor and the rear seat with several long strips of duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: There, that's perfect. It took me a little while to find the duct tape, because I had forgotten I had changed my underwear. Y'know, the K-car was never actually built for speed, but even this unit has a few more ponies under the hood than we need for our sleigh. {walks around to the front of the car and lifts the hood} What we want is just to have a one-horse unit, so I think I'm gonna have to unharness a few. {pulls off a spark plug wire} We want a one-horse, {pulls a second wire} one-cylinder, {pulls a third wire, leaving just one attached} open sleigh. {laughs and shuts the hood} Gosh, I hope I'm using one of the cylinders that still works.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is trying to light an acetylene torch.}''

RED GREEN: 'Course, the kids are gonna be bugging ya. Y'know, "Where's the horse? Where's the horse?" And rather than make up some dumb politically correct story about some Christmas horse that goes off to university to avoid a life of manual labor, {laughs} instead of that, we're gonna make a horse. {points to the top of the car, which is now leaning up against the garage door} Out of what's left of the roof. Should be a snap to cut a horse shape out of that.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red puts away the torch. Behind him, the car roof is now has a crude horse-shaped cutout in it.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, this turned out great. Look at this thing! {laughs and pulls the horse cutout out of the roof} Oh, baby, yeah! Oh man, that's fantastic!

''{Red laughs some more. The remains of the roof fall forward, revealing an identical outline that has been burned into the garage door. Red comes back to look at the door.}''

RED GREEN: Y'know, if I'd set the torch a little hotter, I could have cut out two horses. {takes the cutout to the front of the car and looks at it closely} You know, kids have great imaginations, don't they? They see castles in clouds, they see faces in turnips. {holds up cutout} They'll see a horse in that. {sets cutout down on the hood and picks up a pneumatic router} All right, now, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna cut a groove into the hood of the K-car so that I can mount the horse in there good and solid.

''{Red starts cutting through the hood. A moment later, the radiator springs a leak and starts spewing coolant off to one side. Red hesitates, then leaves the tool running as he runs away. Wipe to a later scene. Red has mounted the horse cutout to the hood and attached a rope to it. He is tying the ends of the rope to the steering wheel. The engine is running, and Red is now wearing a Santa hat over his usual hat.}''

RED GREEN: Now these are obviously the reins here, which I'm gonna use to steer the unit. I gotta run them through the steering wheel so when I wanna turn, I just pull on the rein, and the steering wheel... It won't be a sharp turn, but I'm guessing people will get out of the way. {climbs up into the bar stool and closes the door} All right, now, what I've done is I cranked the idling way up on her there so I don't have to go near the– near the gas pedal at all. {picks up an odd device made from a radio antenna} And I'm gonna use a riding crop to change gears. Well, it's not a real riding crop, this is a radio aerial, but it's a power unit. Look at this. {operates the device, extending and collapsing the antenna, chuckling} Huh? Isn't that beautiful? Actually, I wanted a real riding crop. I went into the store, I says to the guy, "Are the crops in?" Wouldn't even serve me! All right, so– Oh, I know! One other feature I've added to this thing: I added a couple of those little fake poly– uh, foam, polystyrene, plastic candy canes, got 'em hanging down by the wheels. They look like runners, huh? 'Course, now those are just fake runners, because right now, we're mainly going for looks. And I bet we get a few. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {gestures to the fake horse} On Donner! On Blitzen! On Aries!

''{Red starts whacking the hood with his "riding crop", then tosses it away and grabs at the gear shift, turning the turn signal on accidentally as the car starts moving forward. He struggles with the ropes as the car passes by the camera.}''

Ranger Gord's Christmas Countdown
''{Red and Ranger Gord stand in the lodge behind the "Christmas Countdown" table. A calendar and a bowl are placed on the table.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, we're counting down the days until Christmas, and, uh... {gestures toward Gord} Ranger Gord here. {to Gord} Gord, I understand when you were up in the fire watchtower there for eighteen years...

RANGER GORD: Mm-hmm.

RED GREEN: ...I understand you did the advent calendars with the little tabs and the chocolates inside?

RANGER GORD: Absolutely.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: Well, not chocolate inside, but, uh, treats nonetheless. Forest treats.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah.

RANGER GORD: Yeah, treats out of creatures that dropped in the woods. {Red looks perplexed; to camera} You know, folks, I didn't just do the 25 days before Christmas. I did the entire year! Three hundred and eighty-eight days!

RED GREEN: No, Gord, there's only 365 days in a year.

RANGER GORD: {stares} Three hundred and sixty-five?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: {nods} Okay. All right. Yeah. All right, well, that would explain why, after a couple of years, it was hot and sunny at Christmas and cold and snowy in July.

RED GREEN: {nods} Well, that would explain part of it.

RANGER GORD: Well, anyways, folks, now that I'm back in civilization, I have developed a foolproof, extremely simple way of counting down the days before Christmas that make all other ways seem extremely complex by comparison. Now, all my method involves {picks up a permanent marker} is a simple permanent marker, {holds up calendar} a simple calendar, {gestures toward bowl} and a simple bowl filled with broken pieces of spaghetti and metal shavings, filled to brim with hot, boiling water and stirred very rapidly until it makes a strange noise.

{Long pause as Red stares at Gord.}

RANGER GORD: {holds up index finger} You know what? {clears throat} Let's forget about the bowl right now, {Red nods} because it's not that important. {takes bowl and then pulls back hands} Ow! {shakes hand and then clutches it} Okay. {picks up marker and removes cap} All right, well, here's my method. You simply take the permanent marker, and you cross out all the days between now and Christmas. {crosses out all days on calendar, set on November} Okay? You with me so far? Okay. {sets marker down} Then {picks up eraser} you take the eraser, and you erase the days as they pass.

''{Gord tries to erase the first X he made on the calendar. But the ink is permanent and it doesn't budge. Gord rubs the eraser vigorously on the calendar, but it only slightly fades the X on it. The paper starts crumpling up. Gord stands back up suddenly.}''

RANGER GORD: Okay. Now, as you've probably noticed, a permanent marker is extremely difficult to get out. {Red nods} So you have to rub very vigorously. {continues to rub vigorously, but accidentally tear the calendar page doing so}

RED GREEN: {runs up to stop Gord} Oh, oh, oh! {Gord pulls away; the calendar page is all torn up} All right, all right, so, uh... So now, after you've ripped the calendar, uh, then what?

RANGER GORD: {after a pause} All right, well, after you've ripped the calendar, you decide that you're going to rip out the date instead of using {holds up eraser} the eraser on the permanent marker. Simple, okay?

{Gord starts to rip out the dates on the calendar, one by one, but accidentally tears up the page even further, revealing the next month underneath.}

RED GREEN: {tries to stop Gord} No, okay!

RANGER GORD: {stops} Okay. All right, now that you've ripped out most of the dates, and you've exposed most of January underneath, which really confuses and frustrates you, you, um... {clears throat; suddenly pulls out a matchbook} You take out your matches and set the calendar on fire!

''{Gord pulls out a match and leans in close to the calendar to light the match and burn the calendar. But Red leans in and stops Gord.}''

RED GREEN: {grabs matches and pulls them away} No, no, no!

RANGER GORD: {throws calendar aside} Okay! Well, you get the idea. Have some fun, okay? {holds up index finger} And remember, only 422 more shopping days 'til Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Red's Poetry 2
{Red and Harold continue to read the story.}

HAROLD GREEN:
 * And I in my retainer, and Uncle Red in his cap,
 * Have just crashed on the couch for a post-turkey nap.

RED GREEN:
 * When out on the lawn, there arose such a smell,
 * I dashed to the window to see what the he–

HAROLD GREEN: Heck! Heck!
 * Away to the window, I flew like a flash,
 * Tore open the shutters, which fell off and would smash...

RED GREEN:
 * The moon on the crest of the new-fallen snow
 * Couldn't hide where the septics had all overflowed.
 * When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
 * But a minivan full of women and beer.
 * With a little old driver in vinyl and artificial fleece,
 * I knew in a flash it was my wife Bernice.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older guys about telling the truth. The truth about Santa. You know, some na&iuml;ve kid is going to ask you, "Should I believe in Santa?" Well, you gotta look him straight in the eye and say, "Yes, Harold." Of course you believe in Santa. What's not to believe? Y'know, Santa's a pretty normal, average guy. Spends 99% of his time squirreled away in his workshop, making stuff that's only good enough to give away. I know lots of guys like that. He's got all these little helpers that do all the work. We all have those. Then every Christmas, he loads up way too many gifts and drives all over Kingdom Come delivering them. That sound familiar to you at all? And everywhere he goes, he expects some snacks and a drink? So do I! And when it comes to the choice of doing things the easy way or the hard way, he chooses the hard way every time. Door versus chimney, need I say more? Hey, he's just one of us, eh? Plus he's fat, he's balding, and he wears his long red underwear. That sounds like half the Lodge to me! So when a kid asks you if there's a Santa Claus, say "Heck, yeah! There's probably a couple in your own family!" Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying 2
{Red walks out into the Lodge basement holding a roll of duct tape.}

RED GREEN: Joining me today, we got, uh, Edgar Montrose. {walks up to Edgar standing behind a bench with a snow cannon on it} Merry Christmas, Edgar! Yeah.

{The audience applauds as Red and Edgar wave.}

RED GREEN: So what do you got for us today?

EDGAR MONTROSE: {nodding} That's right, usually at this time of year. {Red looks perplexed} Well, first off, {hands Red a cylindrically-wrapped present} I have a gift for you, Red.

RED GREEN: {taking present} Sure.

EDGAR MONTROSE: It's a little something I call the Christmas cracker.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

EDGAR MONTROSE: My own idea.

RED GREEN: {examining gift} Oh. {laughs} No, no, no. Edgar, no offense, but, you know, lots of people have had firecrackers.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Yes, but do they use the mercury detonator?

RED GREEN: {suddenly nervously sets cracker on bench} No, that's, uh, that– that's all you. {Edgar nods} Yeah, yeah.

EDGAR MONTROSE: No, Red, I– I'm here {gestures toward snow cannon} because my snow cannon isn't working.

RED GREEN: {taking snow cannon} Snow cannon! Boy, that's, uh, that sounds cute. How's– How's that work?

EDGAR MONTROSE: {bending down under bench} Well, normally, {about to push a button} when you push down here, it sends snow out and sprinkles across the yard.

''{Edgar pushes the button. Suddenly, a blast of white smoke shoots out of the cannon. Red recoils from the shock, dropping the cannon on the table. Edgar looks surprised.}''

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh! {looks offscreen, then down at cannon} Oh, gee, thanks, Red! That's a good repair! Uh, what did you do?

RED GREEN: {rubbing his nose} I made a little adjustment just right now.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, by golly, if there's anything I can do to return the favor...

RED GREEN: Oh, as a matter of fact, you can– I gotta decorate the tree here. {gestures toward a bare Christmas tree in the corner} I gotta decorate the tree, and that's long job. Can you help me out with that, Edgar?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, you're in luck, 'cause today, I got my Howitzer Holiday Special with me. {nods}

RED GREEN: Howitzer Holiday Special? {Edgar nods} That sounds interesting.

EDGAR MONTROSE: {picks up some tinfoil on the workbench} Boy, this baby can tinsel a tree faster than you can call 911. {puts tinfoil inside cannon} You just load it up with some tinfoil... {aims cannon in direction of tree} You take aim... {picks up button} And you fire!

''{Edgar pushes the button. The cannon fires the tinfoil at the tree. The blast shreds the foil as it hits the tree. It is shredded now so that it looks tinsel. Red and Edgar look at the tinfoil-turned-tinsel adorning the Christmas tree.}''

Christmas Is... 4
{Red continues to walk along, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is a yule log. Well, it used to be, anyway. Guys would chop down the biggest tree they can find and haul it home and burn it all through Christmas. That was okay if you had a fireplace the size of a Buick, but a real safety hazard if you convert it to natural gas, I'll tell ya. Today, of course, a yule log is an ice cream roll filled with candied fruit. As you tamp that sucker down on top of the five pounds of turkey, stuffing, potatoes and gravy you ate, and you'll definitely get a burn that'll last through Christmas. Plus, you might not have a choice about converting to natural gas. Just don't stand too close to the fireplace.

Segue: Arnie Dogan
{Arnie, Red and Harold continue to sing Arnie's song with him.}

EVERYONE: {singing wildly}
 * I LOVE CHRISTMAS! {scene ends abruptly}

The Experts 2
''{Harold, Red and Dalton sit around a table. Harold takes out a letter.}''

HAROLD GREEN: All right, on the Expert portion, joining us is Mr. Dalton Humphrey from the Humphrey Everything Store! {gestures toward Dalton}

''{Dalton waves as the audience applauds. Harold opens up the letter.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, and our– and our letter goes as follows: {reads} "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Dalton} La-la-la! {resumes reading} "It's Christmastime once again. Every year, we hear about how Christmas has become too commercial, and we have lost sight of its true meaning. Can you tell me the best way to celebrate Christmas in order to remain true to what it's really all about? Signed, Bewildered."

DALTON HUMPHREY: {as Harold finishes} Okay! {holds up index finger} This one's mine. Sorry to jump in there...

HAROLD GREEN: {overlapping} Okay.

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...but this is something that I'm actually qualified to offer an opinion on.

RED GREEN: Oh boy, here's a first.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. You hate Christmas, Mr. Humphrey! What makes you an expert?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, Harold, you know, every year, I try to come up with excuses to avoid celebrating the darn thing, you know, and I've learned an awful lot about the traditions more than most people, you know, and I'm telling you some of the truths behind the things we do to celebrate Christmas that would curl your hair, Red!

HAROLD GREEN: Whatever that is, now.

RED GREEN: {turns to Harold sharply} Hey, hey, hey!

HAROLD GREEN: {covering his mouth} I'm sorry.

RED GREEN: {back to Dalton, waving hand} So you've been going through all the traditions of Christmas and looking for a loophole, eh, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, now, take your tree, for instance. We will have no tree at our house this year. And I've got a good reason for it.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, it's a sheer waste of trees and the land they're growing on, huh? {nods}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, worse than that, Harold! You know, the decorating of the pine tree didn't start in the Bible, my naive young friend! No, no, it was with the ancient Druids. {nods} Yes, those egg-toting, Stonehenge-building, tree-worshiping {suddenly shouts; leans in close to Red and Harold} PAGANS! {Harold looks slightly startled}

RED GREEN: So, no tree?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {raises hand} No! There was no Scotch pine, there was no extruded aluminum tree at the manger! At least in my holiday edition, it wasn't there.

RED GREEN: {scratches neck} So, um... {makes circling motion with hand} how's this whole theory sitting with the rest of the Humphrey clan?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, now, I expect there's gonna be some minor resistance to overcome, {Red nods} but, you know, I believe the common sense will prevail when I explain to them that I'm just trying to protect them from participating in pre-Christian voodoo. No Pagan rituals at our house. No little, red, fat man in a suit. There'll be no mutant reindeers with radioactive noses. You know, those people didn't have stockings. You don't need stocking stuffers!

RED GREEN: {rubs arm} You know, Dalton, I'm not a psychiatrist, but I think you finally have all four wheels off the road. {nods}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Now, now... Now, listen to this, Red. Did you know that the tradition of hanging mistletoe goes back to the ancient Druids, too?

HAROLD GREEN: Are you sure, Mr. Humphrey?

DALTON HUMPHREY: As sure as I am that great music starts fast, then slows down, then speeds up again. {Red nods slowly, then shakes head slightly} That's right! We will be celebrating the true elements of the original Christmas in our house: big turkey dinner with all the trimmings and that's it! {looks smug}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I think you might want to keep some of that mistletoe around. If you're not celebrating or buying anybody gifts, you can kiss your marriage goodbye.

Christmas Is... 5
{Red continues to walk along, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is no surprises. You know the toys will be open by 7AM, causing fights by 9 and broken by 10. You know the kids will be cranky by noon, the in-laws will arrive by 2, and you'll be hiding in the basement by 2:30. You know you'll get fifteen minutes of peace on earth before your brother-in-law finds you sulking behind the furnace. You know you'll have dinner at 4PM when no one's hungry, but they'll all still eat like a chain gang on a day pass. And you know by 10 you'll be reeking of Christmas cheer, shouting at the cops as you try to explain the gunshot holes in your neighbor's lawn ornaments.

Segue: Arnie Dogan
{Arnie, Red and Harold continue to sing Arnie's song with him.}

EVERYONE: {singing wildly}
 * I LOVE CHRISTMAS! {scene ends abruptly}

Red's Poetry 3
{Red and Harold continue to read the story.}

HAROLD GREEN:
 * One old lady had her mouth drawn up like a bow,
 * And the hair on her mole was as white as the snow.

RED GREEN:
 * Another was hammered, a right jolly old elf,
 * And I laughed when she belched, in spite of myself.

HAROLD GREEN:
 * They spoke a few words and went straight to the kitchen,
 * While the guys started waking up, scratchin' and itchin'.

RED GREEN:
 * They brought turkey and sausages, kippers and trout.

HAROLD GREEN:
 * They said, "Have fun, boys, 'cause tonight is ladies' night out!"

RED GREEN:
 * They sprang to the magic wagon, to the horn gave a honk,
 * And away they putt-puttered to go out and get staunt.

HAROLD GREEN:
 * And I heard them exclaim as they drove out of sight,
 * "Happy Christmas to all!"

RED AND HAROLD: {in unison}
 * "Be home early tonight!"

Mike's Christmas Tips
''{In another corner of the lodge, Mike is seen rummaging around through a desk. He looks up to the camera with a look of shock.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Oh! Uh, okay. Uh, I, uh... I, uh... I want to talk to you parents about Christmas. {sits down at desk} The kids really look up to you to make Christmas a special time. And I mean that in a good way. Christmas can be upsetting to the kids. For example, you dads out there, don't come home on Christmas Eve in the back of a squad car. Christmas is a time for family and love. I mean, if you can't afford presents for the kids, they'll understand. Don't go out in the garage and fire off a shotgun and then try to convince the kids that Santa committed suicide. And don't give them a bike that you stole from the kid across the street. You know? You just gotta try and be together at Christmas and try not to get on each other's nerves. Maybe avoid sensitive topics like politics and religion and who owes who money. And even if you're not having a fancy Christmas dinner, you can at least take the pizza out of the box. And dress up festive! Maybe put a shirt on. And put some pants on. You know, that's a gift that keeps on giving. You gotta take this special day to be with your family and your friends and let them know how much you care. Talk to them! Find out about their lives. Really share! I mean, what have you got to lose? There's nothing good on television 'til Boxing Day. Think about it.

Christmas Is... 6
{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is a time to slow down a little, a time to sit down and think back over the year and assess your accomplishments. You may realize that you've accomplished diddly-squat, that a year of your life is gone forever, and what the heck were you thinking? In that case, think about what others have accomplished and feel good for them. Think about people who have done real impressive things over the last year, people who didn't waste a year of their– Okay, okay, you know what? I know, I know. Sit down and watch a lot of Christmas specials on television and don't think at all. The same ones you watched last year. And the year before. And bask in the warm glow of knowing Charlie Brown and Frosty the Snowman and the Grinch who stole Christmas didn't do anything new either.

Dalton and Gord's Christmas Tips
''{Dalton and Ranger Gord stand behind a table in the lodge basement. On the table is a wrapped present and a poinsettia in a pot.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Hello, everyone, I'm Dalton Humphrey, and {gestures toward Gord} right next to me is Ranger Gord, {Gord salutes to the camera} and we have some advice for the Christmas season. Now, {waves hand} my advice will be mostly focused on saving money, whereas Gord's advice here won't be likely focused on anything at all.

RANGER GORD: Hi, everybody, my name is Ranger Gord, and standing next to me is Dalton Humphrey, and we're gonna have some advice–

DALTON HUMPHREY: {holds up index finger, interrupting Gord} Gord? Gord? See, I've already done the introduction. We don't need to do them two times.

RANGER GORD: Good idea.

DALTON HUMPHREY: So...

RANGER GORD: Saves some time.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {picks up present} Yes, and we don't have a lot of time, so let's move right along, and what we have here is a typical–

RANGER GORD: {raises index finger} You go ahead, I'll go second.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Thank you very much, Gord, yes. {back to camera} What we have here is a typical gift wrapped in a typical Christmas fashion for a typical kid.

RANGER GORD: {looking at Dalton} Weird.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, it's– it's– it's typical. It's not weird, there's nothing weird about this, it's just, uh...

RANGER GORD: No, I'm talking about your hair. {pause} Carry on.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yes, thank you. Now, the point I would like to make is to portray a typical kid ripping into a typical Christmas gift on Christmas morning. {takes a hold of present} And this is the way it would go, something like this: {ecstatically} Oh boy, is this for me? Is this for me?! {grabs present and starts ripping apart the wrapping} Oh boy, I can't wait! I can't wait! I gotta get this open! {unwraps present} Oh boy, look what Santa brought me! Look what Santa brought me! {completely unwraps present} Wow, this is fantastic! Look what I got! WOW! {laughs} Look at that! {laughs again} Wow!

RANGER GORD: Wow. {chuckles} You really cut loose there, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, come to think of it, I sure did. I never opened a gift that way before. Boy, it took me back to the way I used to feel as a kid. Of course, I never really meant to feel like that as a kid, 'cause my dad said if I did, I'd grow up funny, but, uh... {Gord nods} Yeah.

RANGER GORD: Your dad's still alive?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, probably. {back to camera} My point is this: what a waste of wrapping paper. Now, what we have to do is, teach our children how to do this: {bends down and picks up another wrapped present} how to take the tape off the paper so that we save it and use it year after year. This is the way my father taught me. {reaches towards seams of wrapping} Place your finger on the lip of the gift...

RANGER GORD: {interrupting} Uh, Dalton, before you go on, let me just add something to your last point. {clears throat; to camera} Folks, if you happen to get a goldfish for Christmas and the goldfish dies, you can flush it. {holds up potted poinsettia} But if you get a poinsettia and the poinsettia dies, don't flush it, all right? Bad mistake. {pause} Thank you.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Gord? That doesn't add to my point. That doesn't add to any point. Now, listen, it's not your turn yet, 'cause– 'cause I'm not finished. So when it is your turn, then you can do your safety tip, okay?

RANGER GORD: No, it's okay, I've already done it. {salutes to the camera} Thank you. I'm done.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Okay.

RANGER GORD: Oh, that's all the time the time we have. {waves to camera} Good night, everybody! {walks off}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {holding the wrapped present in his hand} No, wait, stop! What was the point of bringing this stuff? It's a waste! It's a waste!

RANGER GORD: {returns and takes Dalton's present} Here, I'll flush it for you.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No! No! {runs after Gord} Gord!

Christmas Is... 7
{Red continues to walk along, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is the sound of bells. Bells on the mittens of children as they throw snowballs at senior citizens. Bells in the church steeple that make you feel even more guilty than usual. Bells on the little brown pony as they tow it in for service. Bells on the street corner charities prying loose change out of tight fists. Bells on your door that ring when unexpected guests bring unexpected gifts and unexpected appetites. Bells on the police dogs as they search my car. Bells on the strip tease dancer as she gives Harold the Christmas to remember. Bells on the ambulance that comes to get him. Bells from the kitchen saying, "Come and get it," and "Will I be there? Oh yeah, with bells on."

Closing
{Red and Harold walk into the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Yeah. That was fun, wasn't it? That, uh, that's pretty much it for our Christmas special. We hope you enjoyed it or some of it, or at least didn't get hurt or didn't get hurt bad anyway.

HAROLD GREEN: I also want to remind people that Christmas is a time of peace and forgiveness. A time to forget about all your petty differences with people and be kind to those {looks toward Red} who are hurtful to you all year long. {back to camera} A time to open up your hearts and express an element of hope and through a gesture of generosity and spirit. And with that in mind, {puts his hand in his coat pocket} Uncle Red, I got you a gift. {pulls out gift and gives it to Red}

RED GREEN: {looking at gift} Oh. Oh, well, thank you, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: You're welcome.

RED GREEN: I appreciate it.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

RED GREEN: {feels around in his coat pocket} Wait a minute. {puts hand in pocket} I got something in my pocket. {pulls out gift of his own} Oh, by golly, it's a gift of some kind, I think, Harold. I wonder who this is for. {shows Harold tag on the gift} What does this say on the tag there?

HAROLD GREEN: {reading} "No refund without sales slip".

RED GREEN: No. {opens up tag} What does that say?

HAROLD GREEN: {reading; suddenly excited} Oh, "To Harold, from Uncle Red"!

RED GREEN: {giving Harold gift} Here you go.

HAROLD GREEN: Thank you!

RED GREEN: {laughs} No problem.

''{Red unwraps his present from Harold. It's an electronic organizer.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {excitedly} You know what it is? You know what it is? You know what it is?

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: It's an electronic organizer! It's really cool! It's like an electric computer, you know? You put all your messages and phone numbers and stuff in there, and it'll electronically remind you.

RED GREEN: {with uncertainty} That's great, Harold. Thank you very much.

HAROLD GREEN: {unwrapping his present from Red} You're welcome very much.

''{Harold completely unwraps his present from Red. It's a roll of duct tape. Red smiles. The audience cheers. Harold looks somewhat perplexed. They both look at Harold's gift.}''

RED GREEN: You know what it is?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

RED GREEN: You're welcome, Harold.

''{Red and Harold stare at each other, at the camera, at their presents and then back at the camera. After a pause, they then quickly give each other their respective gifts.}''

RED GREEN: {waving} Merry Christmas!

HAROLD GREEN: {waving} Merry Christmas, everyone!

RED GREEN: Merry Christmas!

HAROLD GREEN: Merry Christmas!

''{Various people start coming out into the Lodge from the basement and all crowd around Red and Harold. They shake hands with the people and wish them all a merry Christmas.}''