Animals In The Attic/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: And now it's time

for "the red green show,"

being broadcast to you live --

well, okay, not live,

but, well, almost live.

Well, not dead yet.

That's the important thing.

Anyway, we're broadcasting

and fly casting

from possum lodge

here in the northern wilderness

of our great country --

or your country,

or the banks' country, actually.

They probably own most of it.

Anyway, speaking of things

that are owned by the bank,

here's the star of the show

and my uncle, mr. Red green.

Thank you, harold.

Thank you.

Welcome to possum lodge.

Uh, harold here is my

producer/director/announcer/

nuisance on the show.

Give them a taste

of your magic there, harold.

It's hammer time!

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a-a!

I don't go too much for

that electronic crap myself,

but, uh, anything

that eats up time for free

is certainly a welcome addition

to the show.

Actually, things have been

just a little bit tense

up at the lodge,

uh, this week.

Uh, stuff has gone missing,

or stuff has been moved

or even chewed.

Guys are getting

a little bit antsy, you know?

I mean, old man sedgwick said

that, uh, somebody ate

all his pills.

He couldn't remember

if they were m&ms or smarties.

I'd say they definitely

were not smarties.

And moose thompson

was telling me

that somebody's been rummaging,

uh, through his laundry hamper,

or as he calls it, his bed.

You know, I-I'm working

with noel on the investigation.

We're gathering clues.

Oh.

So you're not clueless anymore.

Well, that's a treat.

Noel is actually the, uh,

head of security

up here at the lodge.

It's kind of

a token appointment thing.

It backfires from time to time,

as do most of the lodge members.

You know, I'm hoping

that it's not, like --

like, thieves or vandals

or perverts that, like --

they just come in

and they touch your stuff.

I hate that when people

touch my stuff!

I hate that.

Well, how do you think

the people feel, harold?

Anyway, what do you have

of value? Your retainer?

Well, sometimes people just

come in and they steal stuff.

And maybe they -- you know,

they throw it in the dump.

Why?

The criminal mind, uncle red.

It works in mysterious ways.

Yeah, but at least

it works, harold.

Get on with the show,

will you?

All -- all righty.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, harold, I think

I've seen enough evidence.

Whew!

You know, noel,

if they're not clues

and they are

just mouse droppings,

maybe we should

clean them up.

Harold, you should never disturb

a crime scene.

I may have to dust those

droppings for fingerprints.

You sure have

an interesting job, noel.

Well, if you've finished

examining those mouse droppings,

noel, maybe you'd like

to join me for a quick 18.

He doesn't drink.

Golf, harold -- the greatest

sport ever invented...

Other than sex.

Wa-a-a-a!

You sure wouldn't want to be

below par on that one.

"below par."

you hear what I said, noel?

You get that?

B-below par?

I don't have time

for jokes.

And I don't have time

for golf.

I am on a case.

That's my job, okay?

I don't examine

animal droppings

just for the fun of it,

you know.

Not anymore.

Well, I'm working

while I play, noel.

I work for the department

doing natural-resource work.

You know, the golf course

is a perfect place to, uh...

Collect insect samples.

Well, it's five minutes

to tee-off -- work.

[ clears throat ]

there goes a man

who's taken a mundane job

and really made it

into something.

You know, red,

I'm glad you're here.

We've had a major breach

of security.

Harold, excuse yourself.

Wa-a!

An individual

or possibly a roving gang

have gained access

to the lodge,

and they're

moving things around.

It is a clever ruse.

They're just setting us up

for something to steal.

My recommendation --

red alert,

defcon 1, situation 9.

You mean somebody's

breaking into the lodge

and not taking stuff?

I can live with that.

Thought it was just mice.

Isn't it just mice?

I think it's just mice, 'cause

they leave little droppings

and fur all over the place,

and then they gnaw

on the corner of furniture.

Harold?

Harold!

That's what you're

supposed to think.

It's a diversionary thing.

Oh, yeah.

But I'll tell you

what's really happening here.

The perpetrators

are coming in,

and they're gnawing

on the furniture.

Then they throw down

a handful of droppings

to throw us off the track.

Excuse me.

Attention, everyone.

Excuse me.

Okay.

Did any of you guys eat these?

Bill? Huh?

I put a full plate of these

on the counter last night,

and this morning,

half of them have been eaten.

Well, they can't have

gotten too far.

Noel, call the hospital.

See if they've had a whole rash

of stomach pumpings.

Well? What are you

gonna do about this?

I mean, you're supposed to be

head of security, noel,

and I don't feel

very secure.

The only thing we have to fear

is fear itself.

I don't think you have any idea

what you're doing.

I think we need

a new head of security.

I got a mind to cite you

for contempt, mister,

and I can do that.

Oh!

It's in the lodge charter --

article 55, amendment "b."

oh, come on. I-I think we ought

to give noel another chance.

Okay, yes, eddie.

Yes, he's small, insignificant,

incompetent, even.

But let's give him

another chance,

'cause then,

when he screws up,

we can really nail him

to the wall, you know?

At least that's fair.

All right.

You have 24 hours.

The way I look at it,

we're looking for one criminal.

Could be armed.

Could be dangerous.

[ sniffs ]

and we can't rule out

insanity.

♪ the knee bone connected

to the head bone ♪

♪ the ankle bone connected

to the wrist bone ♪

♪ the butt bone connected

to the ear bone ♪

♪ it was the worst skateboarding

accident on record ♪

red: This week

in the "handyman corner,"

we're doing another installment

of our series

on how to build fine furniture.

You know, there is

something darn wonderful

about, uh, being able to take

some strips

of unblemished hardwood

and make yourself

a beautiful table

or even take some wrought iron

and weld it into some,

uh, lawn furniture.

Or, uh, grab a couple

of milk crates...

And turn them into

a handy-dandy little bookshelf.

Suddenly, you're part of a long

tradition of fine craftsmen

who've turned, uh, woodworking

or what have you into an art.

But, you know, after your

first project with this, uh,

you might want to try something

a little more ambitious.

I mean, a bookshelf

is okay to look at.

But next thing you know,

you have to buy books,

and, uh, that seems a little

pretentious for a lodge member.

So, this week,

I'm gonna show you

how you can do something

just a tad more ambitious.

[ clattering ]

we're gonna take, uh,

these milk crates here,

and we're gonna make

a foldaway couch bed.

All right. Uh, you build, uh,

two units like this,

3x3, for your sides.

Might want to put some padding

on top of here as an armrest.

And you got the storage bins

in here -- wine rack, beer rack,

even a soft-drink rack,

you know,

if you're one of those.

And you put these things,

uh, around, uh...

Eight crates' worth apart.

Go get your top.

Uh, it's basically the, uh,

the same technique.

Uh, you know,

with the duct tape

and a lot -- lot more racking,

shelving here.

You know, the duct tape

with that silver, chrome look,

you know, kind of looks like

the metal furniture

that's so popular

with the art deco.

And then you...

Put that up on top.

And there's your shape.

All your television, uh, remote

controllers can fit into here.

And, uh, there's our frame done.

Starting to take shape,

isn't it?

Now we're ready to make

the, uh, foldaway seat bed.

Okay. Now, uh, what I've done

is I've, uh, made two units,

3x5 crates each, and

wrapped them all in duct tape.

When you do this, though,

don't skimp on the duct tape.

Whenever I've done a project

and used less than a dozen rolls

of duct tape,

I've never been real proud

of the results.

Anyway, you know,

before you put this together,

you've got one of those

exercise things.

You see the -- the football

players do that kind of --

do that kind of stuff.

I never wanted to play football.

Uh, and now we just

fold her up together.

[ grunts ]

there's our seat.

So, you just, uh, upholster this

now to match your house.

Or if you don't have a house,

uh, get it to match your pants.

If you don't have pants, well,

you have a more interesting life

than I do.

Milk builds strong bones

and strong couches, doesn't it?

Now, you know, of course,

when somebody drops over,

they got a -- they got a place

to sleep, you know?

Uh, you just get up,

and, uh, you whip off the --

whip off the blanket here.

And pull out the seat.

[ grunts ]

I'm sure they'd help you.

Pop her up.

And then,

with the beauty of our hinge...

[ hums ]

tell them to stand well back.

And say, "bedtime.

Bed--"

hop into bed.

Ahh.

And there you have it.

Fantastic.

So remember -- if women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

I don't think your guest

will be staying any more

than one night, either,

so that's an added bonus.

"it is summer.

A speedboat zooms by.

"the horsepower is 360,

"which is four times

the rating of the boat

and 10 times the I.Q.

Of the driver."

so, anyway, noel's been

questioning all the members

about their whereabouts,

which is kind of dumb,

because these guys

can't remember

where they were 10 minutes ago.

And then he's -- he's dusted the

whole place for fingerprints.

And, of course, there's

fingerprints everywhere.

So, uh, now noel wants to arrest

anyone with fingers.

So far, most of us

have offered him one finger,

so that's a start.

But actually,

his investigation is helping,

because we know that noel

is always wrong,

so whoever he suspects

we can kind of eliminate.

Uncle red, maybe he's

doing it on purpose.

You know,

like reverse psychology?

'cause noel --

I mean, he's trained

in investigational

criminal techniques.

Harold, reading magazines

doesn't make you an expert.

If it did, old man sedgwick

would be a gynecologist.

Now, obviously, uh,

some animal of some kind here

is just -- is rooting around.

And when it can't find food,

it -- it eats eddie's cooking.

Nobody's seen an animal, but you

can tell they've been around.

Yeah, by all the droppings

on the floor.

That's right, harold.

You can get a lot of information

out of a stoolie.

But you don't know how long

they've been there, eh?

I mean, did any of them

look like a date?

Uh, no.

[ laughs ] no!

Huh? Huh?

So anyway,

I-I borrowed harold's camera,

and I kind of snuck around,

and I took some pictures

that I think are gonna solve

this mystery.

You took my camera?

You borrowed my camera?

You didn't even ask me

to use it?

You came in and swiped

it when I wasn't even

looking or something?

I told noel it was stolen.

All you got to do is ask.

You don't got to

steal stuff from me.

I didn't even know you did that.

Don't even do it.

Well, I'm sorry, harold.

I forgot what a whiner you are.

I just hate when people

touch my stuff. I...

So, what's the, uh --

what's the big question?

Well, we're having a problem

at the lodge.

We got a wildlife, uh,

infestation there.

You got a new member?

[ laughing ]

no. Uh, actually, uh,

I took some pictures

of the animal droppings

to show you.

Scat.

Pardon me?

Scat, red.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, no.

No, no, red. No.

That's the scientific term

for animal droppings -- "scat."

you know, like wolf scat,

deer scat, snake scat --

that sort of thing.

Oh, okay.

Makes sense.

Well, I -- you know,

I-I took this picture of it.

Aha! Wow.

Some great backlighting

you got there.

Beautiful composition.

Thank you.

Uh, I really like the choice

of the black-and-white film.

Yeah, well, I guess

I caught its good side.

You know,

you really have a flair

for still-life

photography.

You should, uh, do this

for the government.

You could make top dollar

doing that kind of thing.

Well, uh, thanks, bob.

But, uh, I don't think

excrement photography

would be a real big

career move for me.

Well, think about it.

So, what --

what type of animal

do you think

would leave the...

Oh.

Well, raccoon.

Oh, raccoon. Oh.

Are you sure about that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it's the same scat

that was over, uh,

by the sand trap on the, uh,

11th hole over there.

Okay. So, what do I do to

get rid of a raccoon, uh, bob?

Do you have

a number-2 wood?

You want me to kill a raccoon

with a golf club?

Oh, no. No, you need

a number-2 wood on this hole.

No, it's illegal

to kill raccoons.

Well, tell that to my van.

I have an idea, though.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

After we've played

our game of golf here,

I'll go back

to the office.

I can lend you

a raccoon trap.

What do you think

about that?

Well, sounds all right,

I guess.

Well,

you're very welcome.

Fore!

[ water splashes ]

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Now it's time for one of my

favorite things -- fishing.

Not fishing with bill.

There's a big difference.

But, you know,

I'll fish with anybody.

First thing about bill

you have to notice

is the size of the tackle box.

You can tell a lot about a man

by the size of his tackle box.

And, of course,

bill doesn't have a box that big

to keep it empty.

He's got his motorcycle helmet.

He's got an old propane tank.

You know, they won't refill

those after 10 years,

but I think bill

just keeps it around.

Kind of an old memory there

of a barbecue.

And he --

and he did find a lure --

one of those little, uh...

Maritime wiggler,

I think that thing's called.

And, uh, I think I dated

one of those, actually.

He's got

a christmas wreath there

and an old lawn sprinkler.

No, that was an action figure.

That's what that --

and there's a crowbar.

That's mine, actually.

I used that to change

a headlight a little while ago.

And then he's got a bobber.

This is a floater.

They're a bobber, floater,

floater, bobber --

whatever you like.

And, uh, this goes

on the fishing line

so that, uh, your lure

and what have you won't, uh --

won't sink too far

into the water.

Just hooks on like that.

No big deal, really.

And now with bill, he wanted

to use not only the lure,

but he wanted to use some, uh --

some bait as well.

So, bait and lure.

Kind of a "blure."

oh, what's that?

I got a nice little bike there.

You know, the dock was getting

a little full,

so what am I gonna do with this?

Ah, problem solved.

So he gets out

an old piece of ham

from one of our

possum lodge reunions.

Uh, late '70s,

I think that one was from.

And he hooks the, uh --

hooks the lure right into that.

And now he's obviously

going for the big fish here.

Lot of weight.

Lot of weight on the line there.

And unfortunately,

what happened -- oh, gosh.

There goes his -- and yanks the

fishing rod right out of his --

and there it goes, and

everything gone to the bottom.

So, that should not --

no, it's not the end of the day,

'cause he's gonna use my stuff.

Terrific idea, bill.

Thank you.

Back into the tackle box

for something else.

[ dog whimpering ]

what? What, what, what?

Oh, for gosh sakes.

Hello, there, little fella.

Nice hockey stick.

What the heck

is going on in here?

And another lure.

Oh, nice one.

And you're gonna put him back?

He gonna be all right

in there, bill?

Got his own, uh --

his own little, uh --

little kennel in there.

He wasn't...In no danger

at all. No, no.

Anyway,

bill puts the other lure,

ties her on there.

A lot of hooks.

Look at the hooks on that thing.

Holy mackerel. That's

a major, major thing there.

And then he's, uh --

look out, look out, look out,

look out, look out, look out.

And he's gonna cast that.

And, of course,

with all those hooks,

it gets kind of --

tangles within itself.

And now he's got to...

Oh, boy.

He's got something

just for that.

Uh, it's a rubber glove.

He always has

a rubber glove handy

for any of the events

that we have at the lodge.

And anyway,

he's gonna cast her out.

And just -- I'm getting

the heck out of the way,

and get bill down the --

that's it.

Get bill down the end there.

I haven't gotten to fish yet,

and I've been there

for some time now.

Mind you, bill's got my rod.

What am I gonna do?

Oh, well, I'll let him have

one more cast,

and then I think --

oh, geez, he got my tack--

bill, my tackle box!

Oh, g-- oh! Oh!

I want my tackle box back, bill.

Get me the -- get --

bring it back.

There we go.

Look out. Ow! Ow!

Geez!

What the heck?

Oh!

Aah!

Oh.

Thank you very much.

And you broke the rod.

Well, what a treat.

[ dog whimpering ]

so, bill, you just pack --

look. Watch.

Be careful, now.

Careful, now. Careful.

Oh, he's fine, he's fine,

he's fine. Yeah.

Yeah. Has his own tackle box

with a guard dog.

Thank you, bill,

for a great day of fishing.

Well, we, uh, rigged up

the raccoon trap.

Put a big wedge of cheese

in there

and stuck her up in the attic.

And in about five minutes,

we caught buster hadfield's arm.

It was still attached,

but the cheese was gone,

so we drove him out to the dump

and let him go.

Junior singleton says

that raccoons sleep all day,

which is gonna make them,

you know, real hard to catch

and also makes them

potential lodge members.

So I guess we're gonna have to

wait until morning.

Actually, uncle red,

we caught one about an hour ago.

Yeah, he got all tangled up

in old man sedgwick's truss.

You know,

when he was trying it on,

he thought it was just, like,

his condition acting up.

But, boy, when that tail

popped out -- wa-a! --

That scared him.

So eddie grabbed it

and took it back to the kitchen.

Oh, boy. That's gonna make

a pretty scary roast.

I mean, the gravy --

no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He's gonna make it into a pet.

You see, it seems

it's the only living creature

that enjoys

eddie's cooking.

He's also gonna mention

tonight at the lodge meeting

maybe we can turn him into,

like, the lodge mascot.

[ screeching ]

that's it.

That's meeting time, uncle red.

Come on.

We got to go downstairs.

Hurry up, eh?

Yeah, all right.

This'll just, uh, take me about

a minute to straighten out.

Maybe what we'll do is make

the raccoon head of security

and turn noel

into the lodge pet.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

okay. Everyone get a seat.

Hurry up.

All rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

So, uh, how we doing with this,

uh, raccoon problem, guys?

All right. Floor recognizes

bob stuyvesant.

Well, red, I-I think

that we should probably

send the raccoon

back into the wild.

It's, uh, against the law

to destroy a raccoon, of course,

unless it's rabid.

No!

Uh, d-don't let it go!

It likes it here!

We're friends.

It -- it eats my cooking.

Well, it sounds rabid

to me.

Bob, go do

what you have to do.

No!

You can't kill neddy!

Neddy?

We were gonna become a team --

neddy and eddie.

Animal acts are very big.

It's not that kind

of lodge, eddie.

We were gonna play the palace

in las vegas, like --

like siegfried & roy.

Don't worry.

I'll take care of it, red.

Oh, no!

[ sobs ]

noel,

we have a trespasser.

Yeah. Sure.

I'll take care of it.

I thrive

on this sort of thing.

Noel...

You don't have to kill

the raccoon, okay?

As long as you get it

out of the lodge.

Right.

I'll do that.

W-well, this is

heartless and cruel.

I have never once

asked for a pet.

And now -- and now

I've got something to love,

that'll eat my cooking,

and you want to take it away

from me!

[ rattling ]

wa-a-a!

Watch yourself there,

harold.

Thank you.

Well, you know, eddie, uh,

raccoons carry

a number of parasites

that are harmful to humans.

Oh, you sound

just like my mother!

[ all shouting ]

[ gunshot ]

[ footsteps ]

[ sobs ]

what happened, noel?

He jumped me.

The raccoon jumped me.

Must have been behind the door

or something.

Wrestled the gun

out of my hands.

Fired a warning shot

between my legs and ran out.

Good for you, neddy!

Run!

Be free!

Oh, it was awful.

He had this maniacal look

in his eye...

Between that

little mask of his.

When he ran off,

he was thinking, I'm sure,

"I got to get back

to the forest.

I need real food."

boy, I don't like the idea

of a raccoon

running wild out there

with a loaded gun.

Would you rather have noel

running around with one?

No.

Good point.

All right, well,

now that's out of the way, I --

I think we'll call on eddie

to give us

the evening's entertainment.

And -- and go easy on him.

He's had kind of a rough day.

[ murmuring ]

this is just a little something

that I wrote for -- for neddy,

the kindest fur-covered thing

I have ever known.

You know, uh, one of the reasons

I keep coming back to the lodge

is the faith I have

that, uh, nature's course

is the best course.

That was proved again tonight.

When nature calls,

you'd better listen.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I-I just didn't

have the heart

to get you that raccoon coat.

Uh, besides,

the arms were too short,

and there was four of them.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

♪ for you and your

whole family ♪

hey!

♪ you know, I'd like

to meet your mom ♪

♪ as for you, helmut,

you're lovely and beautiful ♪

and hey!

♪ I looked around my kitchen ♪

♪ and what do you think

I find? ♪

hey!

♪ you might be gone, but you

left a lot of yourself behind ♪

hey!

Okay, if you could all, like --

like, do this?

Everybody, come on, now.

Do the cleaning paw.

Clean your paws.

And hey!

♪ you know

who's all washed up? ♪