One Man's Garbage/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Thank you very much.

You'll be glad you tuned in

because we have a problem

that you can turn into

an opportunity.

I like that one.

Just the opposite of you,

eh, harold?

(laughing)

anyway,

we've received notice that

we have to clean up the lodge

because these collectables

on the floors and walls

are getting in the way of us

getting things like

fire insurance, life insurance,

and getting from

one room to the other.

Here's where it goes

over the top.

Uncle red's giving you

the opportunity to buy it.

Aren't you thrilled?

I thought you might be.

He's a born salesman.

Watch this, harold.

Give us a call.

Make an offer.

Just dial 555-

"c" for collectable,

"r" for rarity,

"a" for antique,

"p" for peculiarity.

That's 555-crap.

Dial 55...

Operators are standing by.

555-crap.

Give us a call.

Call in now, I guess.

No sense putting it off.

This stuff will just go

like...

555-c.R.A.P.

The phone working, harold?

I don't hear one.

You will in a minute.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): On today's show,

garth has a cougar,

I'll show you how to make

a garbage compacter,

edgar has a problem,

as usual, with dynamite,

and we got recycled gems.

That number is 555-272p.

(telephone ringing)

we have a caller.

Where's the phone, harold?

It's under the junk,

like everything else.

Don't hang up.

Here we go, here we go!

(telephone ringing)

what do you want and

how much you willing to pay?

Huh?

They want you, harold.

Any offer takes him.

Hello, harold green speaking.

Oh, yeah, ok.

It's the garbage collection

agency.

I phoned them to come for

this stuff.

They can't take this.

Pardon me, what?

You're right --

they're refusing it.

Hey, buddy boy, it's my choice

whether you can get it.

You're garbage men.

I say "that's garbage."

you get it.

Are you starting to grasp

the nature of our relationship?

Huh? -- Well fine.

Don't call back.

They hung up on you,

didn't they?

Right after I said

"buddy boy."

(laughing)

(red): Speaking of buddy boy,

here's my buddy boy,

especially the boy part.

He's going to play

frisbee for us today.

Yeah, that's exciting, bill.

Bill can get a frisbee to do

pretty much whatever he wants.

Once in a while I can get

a frisbee to do what I want.

(laughing)

all right, they tell me

this is the big one,

for four hours of aroma therapy

at baxter's beanery.

Harold, you got

around 30 seconds

to get dougie franklin

to say this word.

All right, go.

Your monster

truck is

manly.

All right, if it had a muffler,

it would be less...

Fun?

It's fun and macho

and masculine and manly

because it's...

Made in

america.

(laughing)

well, ok, uh,

but the engine is...

Fully supercharged.

Almost out of time here,

harold.

Oh, ok, all right,

remember that time,

remember that time,

you were peeling out downtown,

the streets were on fire.

Your radio was cranked up.

That's because it was...

My

birthday.

(laughing)

this is edgar montrose

saying that

if you're close enough

to hear the dynamite hissing,

you're too darn close.

♪ oh, the sun

has turned green ♪

♪ the trees are

upside down ♪

♪ everything is shaking ♪

♪ while explosions

continually pound ♪

♪ you cower

in your bedroll ♪

♪ afraid

you're going to die ♪

♪ but it isn't

the end of the world ♪

♪ it's just a really

impressive hangover ♪

(laughing)

now that we've got garbage

building up around the lodge

faster than

it usuly builds up,

I'll show you how to make

your own garbage compacter

using the law of the lever,

which isn't "if you

don't love her, leave her,"

or in stinky peterson's case,

"if you do love her,

leave her."

I'll tell you something.

A lever is kind of like

the mail service.

You've got your first,

second and third class.

Sometimes

it doesn't get there at all.

Now this here,

this is your first class.

And then when you set her up

like this,

like that,

that's your second class.

And this, I believe,

is a third class lever.

And this is a fourth class

two-by-four.

I think I'll leave her.

I'm going to use this ladder

as a lever

in my garbage compacter.

To make that work,

I have to cut a slot

in the side of this oil drum

for the ladder to fit into

and compress the garbage.

To do that,

all I need is a hacksaw.

You might want to have

this side of the drum

facing away from the street,

'cause it's not

that attractive.

Now you load your garbage

in there.

Make yourself a real high stack

because you'll compress this

down so thin

it will slide under

your neighbour's front door.

Now you take your ladder and

stick it on top of the pile,

and line it up so the ladder

will go into the slot.

All you have to do is

apply some downward pressure.

Hmm?

Harold,

is moose thompson around?

All right, I'll use

the next best thing.

(van door opening)

(engine starting)

there's your garbage

compressed to a size

that will fill you with pride.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Ok, maybe I didn't

quite compress it.

I more or less

drove it into the ground.

This is where we have to revert

back to the law of the lever.

If you make a mistake...

Leave 'er.

Buzz lost his plane.

I know where to look.

You guys are trying to look

20 again.

I'm asking as a friend:

Stop doing that, all right?

You're wearing

the snappy clothes,

you're exercising,

you're dieting,

maybe getting yourself

a $10 haircut.

(laughing)

here's a bulletin.

It's not working.

Stop doing that.

I know what you're thinking.

You've got a career.

You've got a little money.

You know how to talk to women.

You're a man of the world.

Unfortunately,

it's taken 25 years,

a wife and three kids

to get there.

Be honest about

how old you are.

You'll accept it.

Stop looking in mirrors

and buy pants with

elastic waistbands.

If that doesn't make you happy,

look at a picture of yourself

when you were 20.

Look at the hair, the shirt,

the pants, the shoes.

You want to look

like that again?

I didn't think so?

Remember, we're all

in this together.

Hi, I'm edgar montrose.

I'm an expert in explosives.

The only way to become

an expert

is through years of experience

and constant experimentation.

Let's see,

five sticks of dynamite

kept it in the air

for 60 seconds.

Let's try six.

I've pulled off a beauty

this time.

Come on, harold.

Now, the stuff was not selling,

granted.

The garbage men

refused to take it.

Wait till they see

what I throw out for them

during carp season.

Then I called

the waste management people.

They wanted to charge me

to take this away.

But I pulled off a major coup.

He's agreed to let them use

10 acres of lodge property

as a landfill site.

We've got to sort through

the garbage,

put it in containers.

We have to figure out

if the lava lamp is

animal or mineral.

But it's free, harold.

We get rid of this stuff

and it doesn't cost us a cent.

You can't call it

a landfill.

You have to have it certified,

approved, zoned.

It's all done, harold.

Then 10 acres out back,

that's been zoned

a public landfill.

Public?

Public means that

anybody can put stuff there.

I don't think so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes!

Public landfill,

just like public beach.

That means anybody can use it.

Well then, great.

That means we'll get people

coming to the lodge.

Your generation just

doesn't get it, do they?

Nope --

so far so good.

When it comes to safety,

no one is more familiar

with the legal ramifications

than my pal...

Buzz sherwood.

Man, is nothing sacred

any more?

No, I don't think so, buzz.

Where is your airplane?

Somebody ripped it off, man.

They violated my dock,

my space.

Took my one true love.

First jerry garcia,

now this.

Think about it this way.

If they flew off

in your plane,

they probably left

a trail of parts.

Yeah.

So eventually...

Eventually, if he flies it

long enough,

we'll get the whole plane back!

(laughing)

that would be great!

That's good news.

Here's a lesson for you.

Safety also means security.

Yeah, safety, security,

they're like that.

It's the '90's.

It's the '90's,

so watch your stuff.

It's not the '60's any more

where we lived in

peace and brotherhood.

The big man

that ran the government,

he didn't like that.

So they've turned us

against each other.

They've got the police,

and that's the power, man.

We're just droids.

Buzz, buzz!

What, man?

I think I found the plane.

My plane!

Oh, wow, look how clean it is!

You might think about plugging

the holes in the pontoons.

That's a good idea.

And maybe stop flying

through the rifle range.

Oh yeah, ok, yeah, that's good.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Boy, oh boy,

this lodge clean-out

is working better than

anybody expected.

We're finding stuff

we haven't seen in years.

Income tax forms, gum,

old man sedgwick's false teeth.

Actually,

they were with the gum.

The lodge seems bigger now.

I know it's not.

It's the same size.

But it feels bigger 'cause

the stuff is gone, so bigger.

But it seems different,

like, spatially.

You feel the volume?

There's volume in the room.

The same, yet different.

It's bigger, but smaller.

Without being smaller,

it's larger.

That's the way I feel --

that's me.

Your tax dollars are paying

for that education, folks.

The waste disposal company

dumped everything in front

'cause they thought the lodge

was the dump.

There was a lot of good stuff.

I got these slim whitman albums,

a toaster that almost works,

and there must have been

50 egg cartons.

I got a gumby and pokey --

one leg missing.

By the time we took

the good stuff,

there wasn't enough left

to fill a wheelbarrow.

Another truck's pulling up!

We got to make sure

they're not throwing out

any good junk.

If there's any power rangers,

call me!

Go, go!

Oh, hey, man!

I'm buzz sherwood.

If you get to be a pilot,

you can use landmarks

like roads and highways

to steer your plane.

But remember,

stay in the passing lane.

Otherwise the motorists

yell at you.

(laughing)

for all you handymen

who use paintspray cans,

there's an arrow on the top

that tells you which way

the paint will spray.

I would advise

that you look at that

before you start spraying.

That's my suggestion anyway.

Meanwhile back at

the frisbee farm --

oh, thank you, bill.

Bill was firing that frisbee

around.

He knocked the hubcap off.

Put the hubcap

back on the van.

No, the hubcap.

Put that on the...

That's the...

Oh, I see.

All right, ok.

Well, that's...

I'm here, bill.

No, bill, I'm here.

Ah, all right.

Well, you know,

you go out there

for the exercise.

A little afternoon sport.

Here you go, bill.

Here we go.

Hey, nice grab.

Throw her back.

Chuck it in here, baby.

You hear about the violence

of the sport,

but, to me,

it's with good reason.

You had it coming,

all right?

Ok, what are you doing now?

That's my hubcap.

That was my hubcap.

What are you doing?

Oh, the garbage can lid.

Oh, all right.

Oh man, this guy.

Ok, throw it in here, bill.

No, it's up and...

Oh man, oh dear.

It's a boomerang-type thing.

There you go.

What goes around

comes around, eh?

Put that back on there.

What have you got?

What is it?

What have you got, bill?

What the heck?

Oh, it's one of those little,

what do they call them?

The contact lens.

Ha-ha!

It's a little frisbee to bill.

He fires that in there.

Let her rip.

Let her go.

Boy, that is hard to see,

coming through the sun.

And... I got her!

All right.

Try that, bill.

There you go.

Top that one if you can.

Oh my gosh, he did.

Oh ho ho, by golly.

He caught that

without his glasses on.

Oh, I don't want to

watch that.

Oh, do that in your own home.

Gee.

What's that?

That's a saw blade.

You don't want to be

throwing a saw blade.

Bill, bill.

Oh, bo-bo-bo-bo!

Oh!

What was that?

Look at that.

My hat.

I got off lucky.

A flying saucer the kids use

in the winter.

You can use them

in the summer.

Oh, sorry, bill --

look out!

It's garbage day!

(laughing)

bye.

Stay tuned --

edgar's at the end of his fuse.

This garbage clean-out

is working out great.

We've salvaged so much stuff.

I'm sure we'll get around to

finding a use for it.

I haven't had this much fun

since my dad

wore his rude t-shirt

to parent-teacher night.

There's been 30 loads

dumped out front,

but still the landfill site

is almost empty.

Regular recycling plants,

they take glass,

metal and paper, that's it.

We take everything.

This is going to make

a cool lamp.

The guys stand in the laneway

waiting for the next load.

Most of the stuff they pick off

before they get it

off the truck.

Moose thompson

made a greenhouse

out of toilet seats.

When the sun shines,

he flips them all up.

Buster hadfield made

a couch out of orange rinds.

It's an excellent example

of recycling,

and he'll never have to buy

another air freshener.

We're thinking of expanding

the landfill

to include

all of lodge property.

That way we can take garbage

from all over the world.

You've got to think

internationally.

Possum lodge, head office

to the world's garbage.

That's an exciting vision.

Oh yeah, yeah.

More exciting if

I didn't have a nose.

Well, that can be arranged,

harold.

(explosion)

this is edgar montrose.

Did you know that

fast-burning fuse

looks exactly like

slow-burning fuse?

I didn't.

Garth harble here,

animal control,

with another tip

that could save your life,

or even your carpeting.

Come on in here, red.

Laundry day, garth?

No, red.

Badger day.

(mewing)

oh, oh, easy there, fella.

You got a badger in there?

Either that, red, or

a very underdone hamburger.

(laughing)

that's a good one.

You know, red, badgers are

the punks of the forest.

Oh, pure trouble,

pure trouble.

If you get a badger

in your house,

say goodbye

to anything of value,

unless you can trap him

in a sack like this.

They just freeze up

in the dark.

(mewing)

I think that fella may be

thawing out a bit.

How did you get him

into the bag?

I heard an animal crashing

around in the basement.

I figured that's either

a cougar or a badger.

Cougars don't come down

from the hills,

so it had to be a badger.

I hung a sack

on the basement door.

Within a couple of seconds

I had myself a badger.

He's docile as a kitten now.

Oh!

Garth, there's been some rumours

that cougars have been

coming down from the hills

and killing cows.

No, cougars don't do that.

Well, I think maybe they do.

Unless...

Unless they're rabid.

Ok, ok.

Oh boy.

Another super day.

Oh, oh.

Ohhh!

(red): It doesn't get

any better than this.

I don't think they can see you,

uncle red.

Sorry.

We've decided to keep the crap

and get rid of the insurance.

Turns out it was

a $200 deductible anyway.

We don't get to collect

even if the lodge

burns to the ground.

We'll get anybody who comes here

to sign

a personal damages waiver.

I think it's under the box

of flavour straws, harold.

Ok.

I'll get it later.

I don't understand how landfill

sites can be filling up.

We can't keep

our tiny one full.

It's amazing what people

throw away.

Paper, string,

a perfectly good chia pet.

Acetylene tanks,

air conditioners,

high-voltage transformers.

I guess one man's garbage

is another man's

potentially hazardous

explosion.

They say you can judge

civilizati by its garbage.

I wonder what

future archaeologists

will say about

our civilization.

They'll say it was a big one.

And it smelled cheesy.

(squealing)

meeting time, uncle red.

You go ahead, harold.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be home after the meeting.

I've picked up

something for you.

The stains on this lampshade

go perfectly with

our living room walls.

Cheaper than a coat of paint.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself, harold,

and the gang at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(possum squeal)

(harold): Rise.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(harold): We're having

a beer bottle pledge.

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Boy, this is too much!