Neither Rain Nor Sleet

Red starts his own postal system.

Cast (In order of Appearance):, , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game; Red's Campfire Songs; Handyman Corner

Transcript
{The camera zooms out from a car door that's been severely dented and scratched.}

RED GREEN: One of the most maddening things in the world is to discover some brain-dead moron has taken his key and come down the side of your vehicle scratching the whole paint job. But here's a cheap, easy way to turn bad news into good news. {starts applying duct tape to the car} Take a little roll of duct tape there, and you can add a little bit of pizzazz to your vehicle while you're covering up the ugly scratch. Now, this scratch is gonna make a dandy racing stripe, but whatever shape the scratch is, you can use duct tape to cover it up.

''{Red moves to the back of the car, where the letters "CK OFF" are visibly spelled in duct tape strips. A shirt covers up whatever is before the C.}''

RED GREEN: It'll be your own little secret. The secret that every handyman knows, which is: Things aren't always what they seem.

''{Red picks up the shirt and walks away, revealing the letters "BA" in "BACK OFF". He then peeks back in.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Red Green Show! Ha ha ha! And now here's the man who once said, "I beg your pardon, I never promised you a Buick." Your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Got a little bit of advice for ya: If you happen to be in the market for a chainsaw, I would suggest that you stay away from the Swanson Prune Pal. I bought one of those... totally useless.

HAROLD GREEN: He used his Prune Pal to saw off the roof of a car.

RED GREEN: Of course, then they try to stiff me on the warranty. But we got over that hurdle.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha! Oh yeah, you sure did! You showed them! Ha ha ha! He lied! Yeah, he said it wouldn't cut? He didn't mention that it wouldn't cut through sheet metal. AaaaaaAA!

RED GREEN: Anyway, the company says they sent me back a refund check about a month ago, and where is it? Well, it's trapped inside our useless postal system. That's where it is.

HAROLD GREEN: Did you even bother to check the mail?

RED GREEN: {annoyed} Harold, I check the mail every day. {Harold puts down his switcher and walks behind Red} Yeah, every letter, I look at everything, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {picks up a pile of mail and holds it up} So I guess these just slipped through the cracks, did they? I mean, look at this, {starts sorting through the mail} you've got a Visa bill, you got a, uh... oh, an electric bill. Gas bill. Tax department. Sheriff's department. Ed McMahon. Ed McMahon. {pauses} Ed McMahon...

RED GREEN: Harold, the letter's not there, all right? I tell ya, the postal system in this country is an embarrassment.

HAROLD GREEN: {picks out a letter} There it is.

RED GREEN: What? {takes the letter} For gosh sake! Well, that's great, Harold, but you know what? The system still stinks, Harold. Y'know? I got a good mind to start my own postal system. {taps the letter}

HAROLD GREEN: {starts laughing, then, sarcastically} You got a good mind. {laughs more}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game, and tonight's contestant will be playing for a free coupon for one of these Dirt Sucker vaccuums.

''{Harold turns on a hand vacuum, which immediately sucks up the coupon. Harold starts to panic, then gets his chin caught in the nozzle. Red yanks the vacuum off of him and turns it off. Harold pauses to regain his composure.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Prizes are inside. Tonight's contestant is Mr. Mike Hamar!

''{Mike waves. Harold exercises and massages his chin for a moment.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Mike Hamar {Mike covers his ears} to say this word: {holds up a sign} Lawn. Lawn.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {sets the sign down} Go! {Mike listens intently}

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, the thing around a house.

MIKE HAMAR: Alarm system?

RED GREEN: No, no, this is flat on the ground, spread out.

MIKE HAMAR: Me getting arrested?

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, you know the place you live in now? What have you got out at the front?

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, tires? A rusty bike? Shopping carts?

RED GREEN: No.

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, a Camaro on cement blocks? A Trans-Am on wooden blocks? A Ford pickup on fire?

RED GREEN:' No, all right, all right. Under the vehicles, what have you got?

MIKE HAMAR: Dogs.

RED GREEN: No no, this is kind of a fuzzy green thing.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, that old sick cat? I think he's got a disease because the dogs won't bite him no more.

RED GREEN: No, I'm saying, under the dogs and the sick cat, you've got what?

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, uh, oh! Uh, Astroturf? Uh, sod?

RED GREEN: Oh, you're so close! Come on, come on!

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, how about some grass?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you're almost out of time, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, you said a bunch of grass, okay? If you have a bunch of grass, you get...

MIKE HAMAR: Two years less a day?

{Harold shakes his head}

Plot Segment 2
{Red walks into the Lodge with a trash can strapped across his shoulder}

RED GREEN: Well, we got our postal service up and running! {chuckles} Yeah, Buster Hadfield was the first one to sign up.

HAROLD GREEN: That's only because the real postal service won't deliver to his house.

RED GREEN: Oh, no, that's right. The mailman said he won't go back there until Buster gets his dog neutered. {chuckles} I tell ya, nothing that comes in the mail is worth that.

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies red by clicking two spoons together}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, Dusty Farnes was a wiry codger,
 * blind in one eye and half lame.
 * People say he was born in a barn
 * and raised in a poker game.
 * One day he tried to drink all the beer in the Lodge.
 * We thought he was only bluffin'.
 * But when he was done, we said "He musta been dry",
 * He said "They don't call me Dusty for nothin'!

Real-World References

 * The multiple letters from Ed McMahon are most likely from Publisher's Clearing House, a company famous for advertising magazine subscriptions via by-mail sweepstakes programs, which usually tell recipients they may have won millions of dollars.

Famous People
The following famous people are mentioned in this episode:
 * Ed McMahon