Foster Child/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

I think the trick

to a happy life

is to take a boring job

and make it fun.

The exact opposite

to what dr ruth does.

To me taking out the garbage

is the most demeaning

repetitive job

outside of politics.

So I found a way to put

a little zing into it.

All's you need is an extension

ladder and a shovel.

Take your shovel

and dig a hole.

I know digging a hole

is hard to do,

but it's amazing, if you got a

local prospectors club

how fast they'll dig a hole

if you tell 'em there's

gold down there.

And that's all there is to it.

I call it my "cartapult."

sorry I don't have time

to explain that,

but it's garbage day.

[ laughter and applause ]

[ cheering and applause ]

yeah. By golly. Okay.

Thank you very much.

Hey, thank you.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

Big, big week up at

the lodge this week.

Guys had a special presentation

for me last night

to show their appreciation that

I took the job as lodge leader

so they didn't have to.

Best part was they gave me

a fly-in fishing trip

this weekend

up to pilot lodge on

great slave lake.

So I asked 'em,

how can you guys afford

such a great gift?

And apparently, now, there's

an emergency fund in an

old tackle box

under the main dock.

I tell ya, if I'd have

known that was there,

it wouldn't be.

Red!

Red!

I found the emergency fund!

Oh, great.

Open her up.

Take a look!

Maybe there's gold

in here, huh?

Could be.

Could be.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is that maybe

a gold fish?

I don't think so.

Maybe the fish

ate the money.

What's that note

that fell out of

the box there?

There's a note there.

Oh!

What's that?

Looks like a cheque.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Probably somebody took the

money and left an I.O.U.

Can you read it?

No, it's all smudged.

No chit?

Let me see that.

You might want to go and

talk to old man sedgwick

about this.

This is

his stationery.

How do

you know that?

It's parchment.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

today's prize is a 10-minute

snatch and grab shopping spree

at herby's house of pickles.

"herby's, it's not

just a pickle,

"it's an alternate

lifestyle."

playing for today's prize

is mr dwight cardiff of

the port asbestos marina!

[ applause ]

mr cardiff, please cover

your ears, okay.

That's all right.

I just won't listen.

[ laughter ]

okay, uh, mr green,

you've got 30 seconds

to get mr cardiff

to say this word...

And go!

All right.

Okay, dwight.

When somebody gets

everybody else to do

all the work for them,

that person is...

A delegator.

Okay, you know when you

have a day where you do

absolutely nothing?

And you'll say

to your friends,

you know what, I'm having

a real something day.

A real good day.

Okay, dwight, do you know

what a sloth is?

Yeah, I got a guard sloth

at the marina.

It hangs in the tree

and pees on the trespassers.

[ laughter ]

you're almost out

of time, mr green.

Yeah, well, then dwight you'll

be familiar with this

expression...

As something as a sloth.

I'm finding this really

tedious, red.

C'mon, c'mon.

As something as a sloth.

We don't connect

intellectually, red.

This is so easy!

As something as a sloth.

You've said that three times.

Are you gonna think

of another clue

or are you too lazy?

There we go!

[ cheering and applause ]

[ bell ringing ]

have a pickle.

Hi, winston rothschild here.

Next time you find yourself in

a sewage or septic situation

and you hire me

to pump out your tank,

I'm gonna throw in a little

something for the kids...

A toy septic truck!

Hey, bobby,

what do you think

of your new septic truck?

It really sucks.

Let me show you.

Neat, huh?

That was my drink.

That's not all.

Act now and I'll

throw in this

winston rothschild

sewage and septic sucking

service action figure.

What are his powers?

Well, he's,

uh, a sewage and

septic sucking service

action figure.

You know, the

original pokemon.

Where's your drink?

My --

hey, why don't you go run

along and play with that, huh!

Hey, look,

there's barney.

I know it sounds too

good to be true,

but it is!

All I want is your business.

And you get...

One free toy septic truck,

plus the bonus action figure.

But supplies are limited.

So act now before

we get backlogged.

[ applause ]

I hear a lot of people

talking about

how living in the country

isn't as good as living

in the city.

They say there's

nothing to do,

no fancy restaurants or

crack houses or anything.

Personally, I like living

in the country.

You know, it's a place

where a creative person

can express himself on

a limited budget,

and where the local building

bylaws tend to be

underenforced.

I'll tell you what I'm

talking about.

This here is a dining

tent where you go in there

and enjoy a meal without

the mosquitoes and flies

getting in there.

Or if you like

mosquitoes and flies,

you can take 'em in

there with you

and stop them

from getting out.

Well, today I'm going to turn

this rural dining tent

into a swank urban

revolving restaurant.

First thing I need is

something to use as rollers.

I went with these

four-inch sewer pipes

because that's the size the

road construction crew

was using.

Once I get them all spread out,

I'm gonna need a platform

for my tent to sit on.

I'm gonna use these, uh, sheets

of plywood right here

and, uh, I figured I needed a

16-foot diameter circle,

so I had my dog on

an eight-foot leash

and just let him

run around me.

All I have to do is cut

along the pawprints,

and I've got my platform.

[ roar of laughter

and applause ]

I'm using this fire hydrant as

an anchor for the whole unit.

It's strong,

it's not going anywhere.

I figure it'll come in handy

when I have my kitchen fire.

All I do is lay my boards

over top of these rollers,

and I'm gonna put 'em down

with the road signs facing up.

That way it'll feel like we're

travelling all over the world --

well, all over my world.

Those of you who

studied physics --

you know, at the detention

centre or whatever,

you know that it doesn't take

much power to turn a wheel

as long as the wheel

is big enough,

and you apply the force to

the very outside edge.

So I got a wire brush hooked

into my electric drill here

and got her locked

in the 'on' position.

All I gotta do is plug her in,

and we're in business.

Oh, yeah, one more thing.

Be sure to run

your extension cord

up through the centre

of the unit,

because if you run it

on the outside,

then when the platform turns,

there could be problems.

Okay, we're all ready

for the final step,

adding the restaurant.

I bet they don't have anything

like this in the city.

[ chuckling ]

so remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Let's take this restaurant

for a spin, huh?

Say, wouldn't a drink of water

go good about now?

[ laughter and applause ]

I know something

about middle aged men.

They argue about

absolutely everything.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Middle aged guys can't

let anything drop.

I've seen guys argue

that black was white

until they were

blue in the face.

This is not a good

trait to have

if you're a married person.

If you're fool enough

to argue with your wife,

you better make sure that you

are absolutely right.

You better have a supreme court

judge, a nobel prize winner

and your wife's best friend

on your side first,

because arguing with your wife

is like playing poker.

And the more you dig

in your heels,

the higher the ante.

And the higher the ante,

the lower the uncle.

That means you'll

be sleeping on the couch.

Here's a better way.

Go over to your wife,

look her in the eye and say,

"honey, I'm wrong."

make it sound

like you mean it.

And don't add "I guess"

or "this time"

or "for a change."

go over to her.

Do it now.

You and I can argue

about it later.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

well, it looks like

my fly-in fishing trip

has turned into the

one that got away.

Even if we can prove that it

was old man sedgwick that

took the money,

there's no way he's gonna

come up with 500 bucks.

He can barely come up

with a breath.

Well, you were right, red.

This is old man

sedgwick's I.O.U.

His dog

recognized the scent.

So did we get

our 500 bucks back?

Uh, no.

No, not exactly.

Old man sedgwick said

he gave it to charity.

Yeah, he got a request from the

home for unwed mothers,

so he made a donation.

Are you saying that old

man sedgwick had a child

out of wedlock?

No! No, no.

No, no.

He's trying to

impress his father.

[ laughter ]

but he did it in the

lodge's name because

it was our money,

so now the lodge has a foster

child out there somewhere.

Okay, that's good.

It's always good to

help out a youngster,

even if it means I don't

get to go on my fishing --

but you know, I'm gonna

live another, what,

five years?

Sure.

I'm sure I'll

get another chance.

Yep.

Yeah, I knew you'd

feel that way,

so instead of going on

the fishing trip,

I'm arranging to have

our foster child

come to the lodge to

spend the weekend with you,

you know, seeing that

you're the leader and all.

[ laughter ]

boy, this news just gets

better and better, doesn't it?

Yeah, you wouldn't go on

that fishing trip now

even if you could,

would you, huh?

Yeah, as a matter

of fact, I would.

Come on.

Give up a chance to make

a good impression on a kid?

In a heartbeat,

dalton.

Oh, no, that's not

the red green I know.

Well, you're wrong.

You can't fool me, red.

Apparently I can.

[ laughter and applause ]

hi, winston rothschild

here of rothschild's,

the affordable sewage

and septic sucking services.

We'll drain your tank,

not your bank.

[ applause ]

the year is 1913.

Now, if you just woke up

on the couch and heard

me say that,

don't panic.

It's not really 1913,

it's probably still the

same year it was when

you fell asleep.

And now back to the show.

The year is 1913.

Richard nixon is born;

hans geiger introduces the

alpha ray counting device

that bears his name;

scientist h.N. Russell

formulates his theory

of stellar evolution;

and here in possum lake,

diamond jim braden becomes

the first suit manufacturer

to put zippers

into men's pants.

[ laughter ]

things were rough around here

when diamond jim came to town.

Our only factory had

just gone bankrupt.

Humphrey's buggy

whip company had an

unexpected downturn in sales.

My great grandfather

lost everything when

the factory went down...

His job, his income,

a place to sleep.

Then this diamond jim

comes along, right.

He says he's gonna

re-open the factory

and haul everybody back to make

pants with zippers in 'em.

Oh, they all thought

that was a great idea.

Then they got this new

sign for the factory...

"diamond jim's...

"everybody wants

to get into my pants."

I actually have the first

pair of zippered fly pants

that came off

the assembly line.

They put the zipper

in horizontally.

Daring and innovative, yes,

but extremely stupid.

Every major clothing

manufacturer

was going into production

with zipper fly pants,

so diamond jim needed

to think of a solution

and think of it fast.

So he scrapped

the side to side zipper

and went with the

conventional up and down.

But they sewed the

zippers in upside down.

So instead of zipping up,

they zipped down.

Very, very dangerous.

And believe me,

I know dangerous.

Like all sensible

factory owners.

Once diamond jim realised the

company would never make money

he sold it to the workers.

The whole enterprise went

under inside six weeks.

Everyone lost their

shirts in men's pants.

So what was he?

A man of vision,

a bit of a rounder,

a misunderstood genius,

or just a guy who

had trouble with buttons?

Here's to you, diamond jim,

possum lake's high flyer.

[ applause ]

[ huffing

and puffing ]

oh, red!

Red green.

Yeah.

Quel surprise.

Well, it can't be

that big of a surprise.

I just got outta

the van a minute ago.

Yeah, but, I mean,

who knew you'd make it up

the stairs in the same day?

[ laughter ]

you okay here, gord?

Oh, very busy.

Hectic.

Things are nuts around here.

Nuts.

That would've

been my guess.

Just finished my newest

educational feature.

Could be my

best work yet.

Oh, yeah, you still drawing

all the pictures yourself,

making all the

voices yourself?

No, no, I decided I was

spending too much time alone,

so I brought in some other

people to help me

with the work.

Oh, really?

No, just kidding.

[ laughter ]

milkweed?

No, thank you.

[ ♪♪ ]

[ sad music ]

would you look at that?

I just can't believe it.

Well, you know, gord,

for once I think you and I can

actually agree on something.

It's so beautiful.

What?!

You think pollution

is beautiful?

Pollution?

What pollution?

That's the

cloud making factory.

I see you two

need a closer look.

[ screaming ]

hey, where did

you two come from?

(in french accent)

you need zie permit

to be in here, you know.

It's okay, ladies.

They're with me.

Ranger gord!

Ranger gord!

[ giggling ]

I'm just giving

these two numskulls

a quick tour of your

wonderful factory.

As a matter of fact,

the tour is so quick

that it's now over.

Oh, ranger gord, would you let

us send you up in a cloud?

It would be our pleasure.

(in french accent)

oh, please, please, ranger gord.

We just finished

a real nice one.

Well, that sounds swell,

doesn't it, boys?

O-o-oh!

A-a-ah!

You sure opened my mind

today, ranger gord.

It's important to realise

that many things aren't

what they seem.

For example, we're a whole

lot higher off the ground

than you might think.

If we fell off this cloud,

we wouldn't hit the ground

for a full two minutes.

Uh, we're not

that high up, gord.

Some people always have

to learn the hard way.

[ laughing ]

[ applause ]

you know, when you get married

you gotta learn to

start paying attention.

At first your wife will

accept your faults,

might even find

them kinda cute.

But eventually she's gonna start

dropping hints like,

"you're disgusting."

next thing you know,

she's packing your

bags for you,

and you weren't even

planning on going anywhere.

So before it gets that far,

I suggest you start taking

her comments seriously;

otherwise, she'll take the

matter into her own hands.

[ laughter and applause ]

you told your buddy

you'd be happy

to help him move all

his stuff on Saturday.

Yeah, but he didn't

tell you that included

his full collection

of wurlitzer organs.

He's got 17 of them.

Too late to

back out now.

But if you start

manhandling them organs,

you're looking at six

months in intensive care.

Here's how to handle it,

easy as pie.

You turn up at his place

all eager and enthusiastic.

And then when he shows

you all his keyboards

and lies about

how light they are,

you act as though you

wanna get right to work.

But your buddy doesn't

know that you've hidden

an empty plastic water

bottle under your shirt.

When you bend over to

pick up that organ...

[ sound of plastic breaking ]

it's gonna pop like five disks

all herniated simultaneously.

You're off the hook.

Now all you have to do

is crawl out to your car.

Oh, and nod good-bye,

as if maybe your arms

aren't working so good.

You might mention that

you probably won't sue,

no matter what

your lawyer advises.

Buddy won't be pulling that

stunt with you again.

Don't thank us.

That's what

friends are for.

Well, this has been

an interesting week.

Started off normal.

Then I won a lifelong

dream fly-in fishing trip,

and, of course,

that was canceled.

And now I can't go

back to normal.

No, no, I'm spending the

weekend babysitting some

kid I never even met.

Red! Red!

Yeah?

Our foster child

is here.

Okay, great.

Send him in.

Come on in, chris!

[ laughter ]

yeah, yeah,

this is crystal.

Crystal, this is

the man I told you about.

Hello, mr sedgwick.

No, no, I'm red.

Call me red.

Yep,

she can see that.

Old man sedgwick made that

donation about 20 years ago.

I always dreamed I would meet

the wonderful strangers

who helped me

when I needed it most.

[ laughter ]

there are very special

people in this lodge.

And you're the leader,

so you must be the most special.

Well, I'm sure that's the

way it is in many lodges,

but --

dalton, dalton!

She's not finished.

Go ahead, crystal.

No, that was

pretty much it.

All right, well,

looks like you and I

will be spending the

weekend together.

So what do you wanna do?

You wanna boat ride?

Or mini-golf?

Whatever you want.

Red, crystal was

too modest to say,

but she brought us

a cheque for $500.

It was the least

I could do.

Well, what do you say

you and I blow that

this weekend?

I'm a special

lodge leader.

I can do anything I want.

Stop kidding around.

We know where you wanna go.

You're going on

a fishing trip!

Oh, no, no.

No, no, no.

I can't go on the fish --

it wouldn't be fair to crystal.

Too late now.

Trip's booked.

Oh, yeah?

Who booked it?

Your wife, bernice.

[ laughter and applause ]

well, then I'm going.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time.

C'mon, crystal.

I'll show you the

rest of the guys.

Great.

Stay close now.

[ applause ]

well, if my wife is watching,

and I'm sure you are,

I think you made the right call

sending me on the fishing trip.

I'd rather catch a big one

than tell a big one.

And then be a big one.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

including crystal,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

crystal, you can sit there.

Oh, all rise.

Red: Uh, crystal can you just

excuse us for a minute, please?

Crystal: Sure.

- Dalton: All rise.

-- Red: There we go.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the men's prayer.

(red speaking alone)

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

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