The Hidden Mine/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

[ harold laughs ]

here's the man I call "uncle,"

my uncle, husband to the woman

I call "aunt,"

and favorite and only brother

to the man I call "dad."

here he is -- red green!

Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you.

And, uh, welcome, all of you,

to the show.

Uh, how are you today, harold?

Wa-a-a!

Ever excellent, as always.

Wa-a-a!

Oh, yeah, that's right -- you

don't get sick, do you, harold?

You're more

of a carrier.

I'm not just a carrier.

I'm a laser transporter.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ laughs ]

well, we've been having

a bit of fun, uh,

this week

up at the lodge.

The guys were looking

at some of that, uh,

bungee jumping, you know,

where they, uh, tie a big

jock strap onto your ankle

and heave you off a bridge,

you know?

And then the blood all rushes

to your head,

and you damn near

kill yourself.

It makes you feel young again,

apparently.

You know, actually,

that bungee jumping is not safe,

and it's been banned

in a lot of areas --

cement areas, I think.

Well, of course, we can't

afford the real official, uh,

bungee-jumping gear

or anything.

But junior singleton

got the idea

that if you climb to the top

of a real springy tree,

like a willow something...

And, say, tie your foot off

to the top branch,

and then you just dive,

it's got to be the same effect,

really, you know.

[ laughs ]

you got to be

a pretty good idiot to do that.

Well, thanks for volunteering,

harold.

Uh, but we got a whole lineup

of guys ahead of you.

In fact, uh,

they're waiting for this rope,

so maybe we should, uh,

get on with the show.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Sure, excellent,

because we have

a superiorly excellent show

for you this evening.

Pretty much the same as all

the others, as far as I know.

He has no understanding

of the television business.

[ keyboard clacking ]

obviously.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ I often look back ♪

♪ as I get older ♪

♪ at the fun we had

with murphy's boulder ♪

♪ it was 6 feet across,

must've weighed 9 tons ♪

♪ round and smooth

as a baby's buns ♪

♪ we'd leave messages on it ♪

♪ and lean against it ♪

♪ it was like a friend

who was solid and true ♪

♪ then after dark,

we'd roll it into the lake ♪

♪ and watch boats smack into it

really, really hard ♪

oh, that's good enough.

This week on, uh,

"handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you something

that you can do

with that old wreck of a car

that you may have sitting

out on your front lawn, say,

or perhaps wedged

into the garden shed.

Now, up here at the lodge,

of course,

when a car gets

too dangerous to drive,

we just sell it

to another member.

But what do you do when a car

literally falls to pieces?

Sell it as a kit car?

[ grunts ]

now, a lot of people would,

uh, see this big pile of crap

and figure, "well,

this is no longer

a viable means

of transportation."

but a lot of people are not me.

I look at this stuff...

[ grunts ]

...And I say,

with a little elbow grease

and some imagination,

I can build myself

a free 10-speed bicycle.

Golly, if the motor

hadn't seized up,

I could build a moped.

All right,

the first thing you need

to make yourself

a, uh, two-wheel bicycle,

of course,

is two wheels.

Uh, I got four to choose from,

so I threw

the two ugly ones away,

and I got harold's toothbrush

and cleaned all the roadkill

out of the treads of these.

[ grunts loudly ]

you want to make sure

that there's, uh,

no leaks in these things,

so, uh, what you do

is you take the tire

and just stick her down

into a --

into a bucket of water

and watch for, uh,

the bubbles coming to

the surface, sort of like,

uh, old man sedgwick

in possum lake.

And we just put that down there,

easy as pie.

Uh, it's a little small for...

All right, uh...

Well, we'll assume

there's no leaks there.

Now, I'm gonna need to make

a, uh, frame for the bicycle.

By golly, this will work,

right here.

Exhaust system out of the unit.

This should be...

That should be fine.

Right.

Oh, no wonder gas stations

are so messy.

All right, uh, take a hacksaw,

and you want to start,

uh, hacking this thing up.

You'll need, uh, three 2-foot

lengths and two 3-foot lengths,

so that's three 2's and two 3's,

uh, which is a full house,

I believe.

By golly.

Boy, uh, hacksaws

are fragile things, aren't they?

All right, so, uh,

once you got your pipe cut,

uh, you got enough pieces now

to start building your frame.

You might just want

to file those edges

a little smoother,

especially if you ride a bike

in shorts.

Now, to put

all the pieces together,

you can use stove bolts or, uh,

you could use a welding torch

or you could use --

that's right --

the handyman's secret weapon...

Duct tape.

Got another roll there, harold?

And, uh, there you have it.

And if that isn't a real, uh,

head-turner of a bicycle frame,

I don't know what is.

Now, this muffler

is a dandy place

to hold water

for you long-distance riders

who can't hold your water.

And, uh, you're probably

thinking to yourself,

uh, "what am I gonna use

for pedals?"

ah, here we go, here we go.

How about, uh, window winders?

And then, uh, for a chain,

not much of a -- oh, here we go.

Here we are.

We'll just, uh, run a fan belt,

uh, from the pulley

up to another pulley,

and there we go there.

And as far as, uh,

the gears go and whatever,

uh, cars are full of gears --

gears everywhere in a car.

That's not gonna be a problem.

You see, the secret is...

To make do with what you have.

This is not just re-cycling.

It's bi-cycling.

So, uh, I'll get this

all rigged together,

but it's gonna take

a little while.

Uh, why don't you

go back to the show?

And when I get her all done,

I'll have you come back in here

and...

I get to do

a little showing off.

And now it's

that part of the show

where we expose

the three little words

that men find so hard to say --

"I don't know."

[ laughs ]

and here now is the expert,

my uncle red,

and, of course, his good friend

oh, mr. Hap shaughnessy,

local fisherman and raconteur.

All righty.

"dear, experts,

"there's a guy at work

that drives us all crazy.

"whenever

he tells you something,

"it's so full of lies

and exaggerations

"that you can't believe

any of it.

What's with this guy?"

well, hap, this sounds like

it's more in your area.

Well, it's

a self-confidence problem.

People

who stretch the truth

are generally trying to make

themselves more important

than they really are,

just to make up

for their poor self-image.

That's very insightful.

Yeah, that's what

sigmund "frood" told me.

But the very worst bragger

and boaster that I ever met

was on one of our climbs

up everest.

We had seven attempts.

All of them

were successful.

But you should've

heard this guy

and the stories

that came out of his mouth --

space expedition,

running the two-minute mile,

playing billiards

with the pope.

I happen to know the pope

only plays stripes and solids.

But this guy got to me so much,

I had to leave the tent.

I had to get out of there

and sleep on the glacier.

Better to risk another encounter

with the abominable snowman

than spend any more time

with this man.

Yeah, I know where

you're coming from there, hap.

But, of course,

I didn't expect the avalanche.

350,000 tons of snow

cleaved off of that mountain

and landed

right on my knee.

The bad knee.

I wanted to scream, but some

of the crew was still sleeping,

so I quietly just tried

to dig myself out a bit.

And after a few hours,

I came upon this guy,

the same guy,

lying there unconscious,

his head stuck

in an ice crevice.

And I had

a 7-pound pick with me,

and I could've

chipped him out.

But I couldn't guarantee

he'd still have ears.

Right now, I would envy

someone without ears.

Yeah.

So, I tried

this little trick

that I learned during the war

from de gaulle.

I, uh, I melted the guy

out of there...

With a pot of hot coffee

and a turkey baster.

And, uh, how about

your self-confidence, hap?

You think you have

a poor self-image?

Used to...

Before I was knighted.

Don't ask him, harold.

"it is spring.

"the bears emerge

from hibernation,

"desperate for cohabitation.

"the birds fly home to mate

and nest.

"the salmon return to spawn

and rest.

"the deer come back to rut

and roam.

What I'm saying is,

'hi, honey. I'm home.'"

and, uh, there you have it.

She's, uh,

pretty well all rigged up.

Looking pretty good, isn't it?

Uh, got the horn on here.

I call that the matterhorn

'cause it's a mountain bike.

And I, uh, put reflectors

all over the back and so forth,

so I can do some night riding.

And I've got -- got the light

on the front here.

Remember

the old-fashion generators

you used to have on your bike?

Well, I just --

actually, that one's --

that one is an alternator.

But, uh, she's pretty well

set to go.

That little wind indicator right

under the seat makes sense.

And, uh, let's just

take her for a spin.

[ exhales sharply ]

uh, okay, that muffler's

still a little bit warm.

Got to watch for that.

Uh, I guess

we'd mount her something --

I'll just climb right up.

Um...

All right, well, I got

to tighten a few things up.

Maybe I need another couple

of rolls of duct tape.

Uh, and I'll,

uh -- I'll, uh...

I'll take care of that --

maybe thin out the frame

and what have you and, uh...

And fix her all up,

and I think she'll look

quite a bit different

by the time I do this properly.

I'll just make...

Cut.

And that's all it takes --

that little extra time

and effort,

and I've made this into a, uh,

really a lovely,

uh, 10-speed bike

that, coincidentally, looks

exactly like harold's bike.

That's how good --

good of a job I've done,

right down to the name on it

and even the dents.

It's just amazing.

I'm -- I'm pretty proud of that.

Anyway, remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Harold, we've traded bikes,

by the way.

Harold, harold, harold?

[ crash ]

well, as it turns out,

the, uh, diameter of the tree

and the springiness,

uh, didn't turn out

to be nearly as important

as, say,

the strength of the rope.

Whoa! Whoa, what happened

to the rest of the rope?

Well, uh, a lot of it

is still tangled

around the top of a tree,

and the rest is kind of knotted

around moose's nether regions.

Boy, I --

boy, that must've really hurt

when moose hit the ground 'cause

he's, you know, a big eater.

Yeah, he's

a big faller, too.

He was doing

a swan dive there,

and I believe

he'd be hitting about a mach 4

when he struck pay dirt.

Luckily, he landed on that pile

of scrap iron and bricks

we had left, remember,

when the propane tank went up.

Yeah, so,

that kind of broke his fall.

But, uh, he hit so hard

that he actually cracked

the earth's crust.

Is the planet

gonna be okay?

Oh, it'll --

it'll heal, harold.

But, you know, when we

all stopped laughing and so on,

we went over to him,

and we rolled him over.

And, uh, there was like

an underground cavern there.

A grotto?

Well, he was for a while.

But we looked closer,

and it wasn't just a cavern.

It was --

it was an abandoned mine.

A mine?!

Yeah.

This is excellent!

That's great!

Like a gold mine?

A platinum mine -- platinum?

Could be a diamond mine.

Diamond mine --

we'd be rich.

If we had diamonds,

we'd be rich. Wa-a-a!

It could be a diamond mine.

This is exciting!

Yeah, and to think

it all started

with something as harmless

as tree diving.

[ chuckles ]

go figure.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ there's a secret to survival

that all the woodsmen know ♪

♪ and I'm about to pass it on

to you ♪

♪ never run

when you can walk ♪

♪ never stand

when you can lie ♪

♪ and never lie

with a half truth ♪

♪ or, in fact,

not answering at all will do ♪

red: Well, for, uh, for this

week's "adventures with bill,"

he had invited me

to come down and, uh,

have a little picnic

out behind the lodge,

which I thought --

had some ice-cream cones there.

So, I love ice cream.

But it was a --

it was a beautiful day,

and you know something?

Me on a hot summer day in --

oh, oh.

[ bubbling ]

all right, well, uh,

I don't think I was that late.

Luckily, I had somewhere

to clean my hand off, anyhow.

And some butter there, and...

All right, now, at this point,

we're starting, and he got

some ice cubes, and...

Yes, I see, I see.

I think what bill

is trying to say here

is that the sun melts stuff.

Now, bill, apparently,

was gonna teach me some highly

secret scientific principles,

which is...

Which is how you can make

a refrigerator...

Whoa!

...Out in the woods.

Okay, so, he puts all the stuff

that he wants to keep cool

inside that --

clean off the table.

Oh, my gosh.

And now, that is, like,

a potato bag, burlap bag.

Oh, oh.

Could've been worse. I could've

been standing over there.

And then you thread the rope

up through here.

And, uh,

now, this is real interesting,

'cause what you're gonna do

is you're gonna cover up

all that stuff,

put the thing

right over top of it,

and that keeps it --

now, I figure,

"okay, that's the shade.

You're gonna keep it

in the shade," but no, no.

You hang it up in the trees

so that the animals, I guess,

can't get it and what have you.

And now, to keep it cool,

you need some sort of a --

oh, luckily, he had a pie plate

in his pants there.

And then he just -- ow!

He's using one of my --

how did that -- oh, well.

He's using that

as kind of a wick thing.

And then he puts water

in the plate.

I think it's called

capillary action.

Takes the water

down through the -- oh, oh.

No, no.

That -- that's gravity action.

Anyway, that keeps it cool.

The water evaporated

or something.

I don't know how it works, but,

apparently, it works real well.

Well...

I guess not all that well.

And here's another thing.

This is a bag

that's got holes -- a mesh bag.

He shouldn't have put

his fingers in there.

We're gonna try

and put some of the pop,

the soda in -- oh, oh, oh.

All right.

Well, bill's cooler already,

so it's working.

Now, he puts all the cans

of soda pop in there,

and take them down.

And the idea here is

you tie a rope to it,

and you throw it out into the --

into the lake.

You know, it's cooler

at the bottom and so on.

And, uh,

actually there should be --

there's a couple of fridges

down here, I think.

Oh. Good.

All right, well, I'm gonna --

I'm gonna help him out.

I mean, I understand.

This is not very scientific.

I think the water's cooler

than the air.

It's gonna keep the pop cool.

So I tell bill

to hold onto the rope.

I should've told him --

my fault --

I should've told him to

hold onto the end of the rope.

Whoa!

He's scientific.

He's not smart.

Now we go back,

and we wait for the pop to cool.

And we wait there five, six...

It was probably

around seven seconds, I guess.

And then we decided, you know,

we worked up

a pretty powerful thirst.

So, uh, bill hauls it in.

And, uh,

haul her in there, bill.

Ho, ho, heave, ho.

Ho, heave.

Boy, oh, boy.

That's a scary sight.

Anyway, up she comes, and, uh,

we each get out a can of pop.

Of course, she's been shaken

up pretty good there.

So, uh, I forgot --

bill's getting a big laugh

out of me here

'cause I covered myself

with sticky...

Oh, that's funny,

isn't it, bill?

What?

Yours okay?

Aah!

Now here's something

for young minds

from something

with a small mind.

Yo, welcome

to "hanging with harold,"

a brand-new feature

on "the red green show,"

which I'm sure

is gonna be of interest

to anyone under the age of 80.

Wa-a-a!

[ keyboard clacking ]

okay, nobody tells you

how to be a teenager,

but everybody tells you

how not to be one, right?

Like, "don't leave

your room a mess,"

"don't leave that fridge door

open all night,"

"don't go stealing a car

and go joyriding."

wa-a-a!

That's why kids join gangs,

so they know how to behave --

that and, you know,

to protect them from other

gangs, of course.

Well, okay, well,

if there's gonna be gangs,

why can't there be, like,

good gangs?

Wa-a-a!

How about taking

your switchblade,

applying it to the end

of a stick, pick up litter.

Huh?

[ chuckles ]

instead of drive-by shootings,

we could have, like,

drive-by science classes.

Did you know

the peregrine falcon

flies up to 170 miles per hour?

Wa-a-a!

Imagine the united way gang

versus the unicef way gang

in, like, in a fundraiser.

Huh?

That'd be pretty neat.

Or instead of street fights,

we could have, like,

street theater, right?

Because, remember,

the gang in "west side story,"

they all sang and danced,

didn't they?

♪ when you're a jet ♪

huh? Remember?

[ fingers snapping ]

hey, wrap it up there,

harold.

There's a gang

forming out here.

Oh, excellent!

[ chuckles ]

uh, I don't think

you'll say that

when you see what they did

to your bike.

E-excellent.

Sorry, harold.

I couldn't stop them.

They were big girls.

You know, they say

that the young people

are the future of this country.

Well, I saw

some young people today

hanging out at murray's store.

And from what I can tell,

the future is gonna be bald

on the sides

with a long piece of hair

on top, spit, swear, smoke,

and wear pants that are

five sizes too big for it.

I said to them, "boy,

if you people are the future,

I'm glad I'll be dying soon."

and they seemed pleased

with that themselves.

[ grunts ]

was that

an extra club there, bob?

Oh, hi, red.

No, I was, uh, conducting

an air-density test

for the department

of natural resources.

You see how that, uh,

how that drifted

and then caught a thermal?

It's very important

environmental data stuff.

Oh?

If I can just do the same

test with the ball...

Oh, sorry.

[ exhales deeply ]

oh, bob, bob.

[ grunts ]

bob, bob, bob,

bob, bob, bob, bob.

Here, give me that,

give me that.

The problem is you can't read

the wind-speed thermal stuff

and hit the ball

at the same time.

So -- so I'll do

the easy part.

All right.

Oh, uh, red, uh...

Try -- there's a sand trap

on the left side,

so try and stay

on the right side.

Yeah, all right.

Hmm.

That's...That's right

on the green, red.

Yeah, yeah.

That's good, too.

All right.

Listen, would you --

let me take that.

Would you I'd like to finish

my round for me?

Well, did -- did you get

the wind information

you needed

from the ball there?

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, well,

don't worry about that.

We got 35

more holes to play.

You know, bob,

I wanted to ask you --

do you know anything

about an old mine,

uh, over on the east side

of the lodge,

maybe a long time ago?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they closed that mine

about 50 years ago.

It was an old coal mine.

Oh.

But it never produced enough

coal to pay for itself,

so, of course, they --

they sold it to the government.

Well, everybody and his brother

had a suggestion

about, uh, what to do

with the old mine shaft.

"make it into a garbage dump."

"store nuclear missiles."

"make an underground

skyscraper."

uh, stinky peterson here,

uh, wants to put

an outhouse over it.

"it won't have to move

for 1,000 years."

uncle red, did you happen

to read my suggestion?

No. No,

I haven't yet, harold.

But, boy, we got one --

we got a funny one.

This guy...

[ laughs ]

what an idiot. This guy...

[ laughs ]

this guy -- this guy --

oh, this guy says,

"why don't you use..."

[ laughs ] "...Use

the mine shaft as a..."

[ laughs ]

"...As a time capsule?"

[ laughs ]

oh, man.

Oh, sorry,

harold, sorry.

Well, uh [clears throat]

old man sedgwick, now,

he said

what he would like to do

is he'd like

to mine gasoline.

How --

how would that work?

Well, it wouldn't, harold,

basically.

But it just goes to show

what we already knew,

which is old man sedgwick

doesn't know his gas

from a hole in the ground.

[ screeching ]

oh, uncle red, it's

meeting time, meeting time.

Okay, harold, you go ahead.

I'll be right down.

Okay.

Well, uh, that's about

our show for this time.

So, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And, uh, I think I found

an ideal retirement home

for your parents,

as long as they don't mind

the smell of coal.

And for the rest of you,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

thanks for watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching ]

all rise!

All: Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.