The Go Go Bars/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ loud blowing sound ]

you know, some of the newer,

more expensive cars

have a system that

lets the driver know

there's something in his way

when he's backing up.

I guess real wealth means

never having to look in

your rear view mirror.

My level of wealth means

not even having a rear

view mirror.

But I figure,

hey, what the heck?

I can at least act wealthy.

[ engine turning over ]

[ tuba blasts ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate that.

Well, big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

Rumour has it we're going

to get a new bar in town

because right now we

just have the one...

The broken spirit.

There's no competition,

so they got a real attitude.

Get this...

They won't serve you

unless you can pay.

Uncle red!

Uncle red!

[ cheers and applause ]

it's so great.

The bar's in town.

The bar's in town.

The bar's in town.

You know what

it's called?

The go go bar.

I like the sound

of that, harold, eh.

You think bernice

will let me go?

Well, you don't

go to it.

No, you eat it.

It's an energy bar,

go go bar.

Yeah, and they've asked

me to do the marketing

in this area.

Go go bar!

Go go bar!

Go go away,

harold.

Harold, you gotta

hook us up

with some more of

these go go bars.

Oh, yeah, you gotta

get us as many as

you can spare.

I haven't felt this

great my whole life.

Usually the sewage business

just sucks the energy

right outta me.

Well, there's a delivery

coming this afternoon.

I'll have them sent right

over to your places.

Oh, send 'em to the

store, not to my home.

'cause if ann marie spends

the day eating energy bars,

by bedtime I'm

a dead man.

Not a bad way

to go, though, dalton.

You guys even know

what's in these

things?

Well, they're

all natural, red.

Yeah, they got electrolytes

for energy;

ginseng for, uh --

oh!

Memory;

and ginger root

for general health.

Hey! I could be

their mascot.

All hail

general health.

Oh, yeah?

You look more

like major dufus.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner receives this

exciting breath mint gun.

It's perfect for party

guests with halitosis.

Just get 'em laughing,

then nail 'em with a candy

right between the tonsils!

[ applause ]

okay, ed,

cover your ears.

Red, you have 30 seconds

to get ed frid to say

this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, ed,

you know this one.

What do you call

a group of lions?

Trouble.

No, okay, this is

something that a man has

that should never

be taken away from him.

His leg.

No, um...

Okay, ed, you're an effective

animal control officer,

so this brings

you lot of...

Medical attention.

No, okay.

You know what?

This is something that

every person should have.

Oh! An escape route!

Okay, you've heard

a man say,

I may not have

a lot of money,

but at least I've

got my...

Own teeth.

Almost outta time, red.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, ed, what comes

before a fall?

Stepping on a rat.

Stepping on a rat?

Look, it happened, okay?

I don't take any pride in it.

There you go!

[ ♪ ]

oh, hi, everybody.

Ranger gord here

with another one of my

critically acclaimed

animated shorts.

I know what you're

asking yourself...

Which critic gave

me the acclaim?

Oh, well, sorry, folks.

I didn't realise this was

let's call gord's bluff night.

So I made it up.

Big deal.

It's called hype.

Those hollywood big shots

do it all the time.

Oh, yeah, but when

gord does it,

old buddy gord, you gotta cut

him down to size, don't you?

[ heaving sobs ]

anyway, this one's called,

all about the northern lights.

So sit back and enjoy.

Here we go.

[ ♪♪ ]

[ ♪ ]

hey, everyone.

Today I'm going to

teach everyone alive

about the miracle of

the northern lights.

Also known as

the aurora borealis.

Isn't that interesting?

Actually, you're starting

to boreal us already.

Ha! A small joke

from a small man.

Amusingly, ancient people

came up with all kinds

of ridiculous explanations

for the lights,

thinking them animal spirits

or an omen of war.

Of course, now we all

know the real cause.

Oh, electrons from

the solar winds

interacting with the

earth's magnetic field?

Gord:

Very naive, harold.

No, the lights are actually

the spirit of aurora,

greek goddess of the dawn,

reaching across

the heavens

to communicate with

her one true love...

Me.

Look!

There she is now.

To the horizon line.

Oh, false alarm.

It's just an

out-of-control bonfire.

Come on.

Let's go.

Oh-ahh, maybe you should

put it out, gord.

Do I tell you how to

do your job, harold?

[ thunder clap ]

well, you're in luck.

Rain's taking

care of it.

Yes, but with these

low lying storm clouds,

we'll never see aurora.

Here, you two climb this

surprisingly tall tree

and take a picture of

her to show everyone.

Oh-ahh, she's your

true love, gord.

Why don't, um,

you do it, huh?

Clearly you know nothing

about women, harold.

I'm playing hard to get.

Come on.

Now, do it.

[ thunder clap ]

[ red and harold screaming ]

oh, that was fast.

Let's see the photo.

I think my fillings

have melted.

Hang on.

Storm's clearing.

Oh, forget it, gord.

We can't see the lights.

And even if we could,

it's just a bunch of charged

particles in the atmosphere.

It's not a goddess.

Oh, really, red?

And what

do you call that?

[ choral music ]

[ voice echoing ]

gordon, I've missed you.

Well, I missed

you too, aurora.

Why haven't

you called?

Well, gee, baby, you know,

this is my busy time of year.

Oh, I can't believe

we ever doubted him.

Well, truly,

we are the fools.

That's right.

Thanks for showing up,

doll face.

You really know how

to light up a room, huh?

[ laughing ]

[ ♪♪ ]

[ applause ]

we've all seen

these picket fences

that people think are

quaint and rustic

and give a sense

of easy living

in a relaxed

rural environment.

But let's not forget

the main purpose of a fence

is to keep something in

or something out

or both.

So this time on

handyman corner,

I'm gonna show you how to

turn your picket fence

into a billboard

that'll send a clear

message to your neighbours

and the world in general.

First thing you wanna do is

take the pickets off there.

All you need for that

is a hammer.

And maybe

some wood glue.

Okay, I know I said

wood glue,

but you knew

I was kidding.

Now you wanna remount all

your pickets on there

using just one six-inch

spike in each one

and just held

in one place

so the picket can kind of

pivot from there.

And, yeah, you can use a

smaller nail if you want to.

I prefer the bigger target,

but, hey,

it's your thumb.

Okay, I got all my

pickets mounted on there,

and then I've attached

fishing line to each one.

That's how I control it.

By the way, these are

wooden pickets.

They're not wilson pickets.

Hoo! Hoo!

Good god, y'all!

Ow.

These fishing lines are all

attached to my billboard

control panel.

This is where all

the thinking came in.

That took a while.

Each line is attached

to a ring here,

and when I wanna

form a certain letter,

I just pull that ring down

to the peg across from

that letter,

and that turns my picket

fence into a billboard.

For example, let's say you've

got some new neighbours

moving in next door

and you wanna use

your fence to say hello.

Okay, but then maybe after

they've lived there for

a little while

you find out they like to fool

around with firearms

in the backyard.

Well, that requires

a change of signs.

Oh, wait.

That's not right.

And then when you

finally realise

these are really

not your kind of people,

don't sit on the fence.

Let them know.

And it's just that easy.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ horn honking ]

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪ ]

I want to talk to all

you dads out there

who say stuff

to your kids like,

shoot for the stars

or strive to be number one.

Oh, I know all

you're trying to do

is pour gasoline onto

the soggy kindling of

adolescent ambition,

but are you

helping the kid

or are you just setting him

up for a lifetime of

disappointment?

'cause to have

a real good life

depends more on geometry

than it does on ambition.

See, success to me is

kind of like a pyramid --

it's like your

own body shape.

Kinda got your

little point at the top

and real wide

at the bottom.

And you don't want to get

too many people out there

because, well, it

just doesn't work,

and it's too much

like a government.

And ask yourself

this question,

do you want your kid to

behave the way the guys

at the top do?

I didn't think so.

Instead, give 'em the same

advice that made you the

man you are today...

Shoot for the middle.

I'm telling you,

for most of us,

the middle is where

you want to be,

because in life the odd time

you stumble now and then,

and if you're in the middle,

no matter which way you fall,

you got somebody

to land on.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Sometimes in life,

things start to look grim.

Your septics get filled

to well past their brim.

So call me right now,

and I'll give them a skim,

before a walk on the lawn

turns into a swim.

Well, boy,

I have to admit,

I've turned right around in

this whole energy bar thing.

I've been eating harold's

go go bars here,

and they've got a

real kick to them.

Oh, yeah.

I'll tell ya,

I'm more alert,

and I'm getting

more stuff done.

I'm even listening to

people when they're

talking to me now.

And I've stopped snoring,

actually stopped

sleeping all together.

Uncle red,

have you got a minute?

Well, let me just

check my daytimer.

You have

a daytimer?

Yeah, I'm a busy

guy, harold.

We're making a lot of

changes to the lodge, okay?

Harold:

Okay. All right.

How are

you next July,

say, the 23rd

around 3:15?

Good. Yeah. Fine.

All right, I'll put

you down for 3:15.

I'll have my people

set it up, okay?

You have people now?

Here they are now.

Dalton, want to

meet with harold next

July 23rd at 3:15.

We'll give him

ten minutes, okay?

What do

you got for me?

Okay, did a market

analysis on the

lodge property,

and the condo development

looks like the way to go.

Have you lost

your mind?

Exactly.

Listen to

dalton here.

The commercial sector

is where it's at.

I say we turn this dump

into a mini-mall.

No. No.

How 'bout this, guys...

We put a condo development

on top of a mini-mall?

Ka-ching!

Ka-ching!

Let's meet tonight

on this, okay?

How 'bout 3:00 a.M.?

That way we can check

the canadian dollar

when the london

markets open.

But I'm going to need

some more go go bars.

Me too.

Yes, me too.

Oh, no, no, no.

Wait! Wait!

You guys had better cut

way back on the go go bars.

C'mon. No way

you gotta keep those

go go bars coming,

harold.

I don't have any!

What do you mean?

I don't have any.

It was just a test.

That's all they sent me.

Can't you see what's

happening here?

You guys are addicted

to the go go bars.

No!

No.

No. No.

I can quit any

time I want.

I hope so because there

are no more go go bars.

That's cool.

Fine.

That's all right.

I am okay with it!

I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm good.

Red (voice over):

We have an area out

behind the lodge

that seems to collect a lot

of garbage for some reason.

Once in a while we

got to clean her all up,

and walter and I were back

there trying to get her

cleaned up a little bit

and we had no idea

where the garbage --

dalton had come by

on his way to the dump

in a pickup truck,

and apparently there

is a pothole there,

and we didn't see it --

and this may be

where the garbage --

and of course we didn't

see it come along,

but we just kind of

ignore that and carry on.

But walter noticed that the

board there had a nail in it.

He thought this might come in

handy for picking up papers

and what have you,

so we tried it --

just tried one, you know,

we could probably pick up

four, five or six more

all on the one go.

So that's kind

of smart thinking.

Meanwhile I'm not paying a

whole lot of attention

to what he's doing.

I'm just picking up garbage

and putting it into the bag,

and then he comes

over with the thing

and wants me to hold

the bag for him.

He's going to --

okay, that's fine.

That's fine.

Just do it.

Just do it, walter.

All right, good.

And then he

couldn't get the --

he couldn't actually get

the stick back out of

the thing.

And he couldn't figure out

why it wouldn't come out.

So I had to point out to him

where actually the problem

was coming from.

And I had a pretty good

idea of where it was.

And then oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

You know, it's like so

much of the hotter food.

It's not the hello, but the

good-bye you remember.

So, uh, we just

kept on cleaning it,

but dalton comes

back the other way,

and this time he's

got a garbage can,

and this time it was walter's

turn to have a little fun.

And you know

it's a funny thing.

I heard about somebody on the

airplane had a problem with

kind of an airtight fit,

and this is

the same thing.

Walter was going through --

kind of a suction going

on there,

and, uh, can't get it off,

so he comes over to

me for help.

And I had noticed on the

first load of garbage

that came in here

there were some jumper

cables and so --

I thought one handle's

positive, the other

handle's negative,

and then -- I think the

battery still had a

little bit of --

you don't need

a lot of juice

to blow a garbage can off a

guy's hindquarters, usually.

And, okay,

there she goes.

So that worked well.

So, meanwhile,

dalton's got a 2 x 4

and the hubcap comes

right off his wheel.

Well, the 2 --

well it's more of a -

that was more of a 2 x 10.

But when the hubcap hit,

he suddenly realized

this garbage was

coming from the road,

and I notice that

it's dalton's pickup.

That's where all

the garbage is coming from.

So now I got an idea --

and I'm dangerous

when I got an idea.

So we cleaned up

the whole area,

got her all into

one garbage bag.

Got that into

the garbage can.

And I told walter, put that

on the end of the 2 x 10.

And then we'll

each grab an end,

and we'll take

her over to the road.

And what I'm gonna do is

put my end of the

plank right over the

actual pothole

and just kind of stand back

and wait to see what happens.

What we'll do is get dalton

to take his own garbage back.

And to make sure it

never happens again,

I used the hubcap

to fill the pothole.

[ ♪ ]

ever notice with

these small barbeques

that when you run the

flame wide open for a while,

the propane tank

gets all frosty?

I'm sure there's a scientific

explanation for that,

but who cares?

The main issue is how can

we use that situation

to make our lives better?

So let's say you're going to

make yourself a hamburger,

and you'd like to have a

cold drink to go with it.

It can be any kind

of drink you want,

as long as it has the plastic

harness holding all the

cans together.

The fermentation

is optional.

Make a slit in the plastic,

right up the middle.

Then you can

slide the whole unit

over the frosty part

of the propane cylinder.

Put your burger

on there first.

Okay, you want to make sure

every can is touching.

Then you got yourself

an instant cooler.

Now you just leave

her set on high.

And by the time the

burger's hot and tasty,

the drinks'll

be cold and frosty.

[ coughing ]

well, we're all

off the go go bars.

So we're back

to having no energy,

which means nothing's going

to change around here,

which is actually the only

appeal to the whole

possum lake area

when you think about it.

A lot of the guys had trouble

quitting the go go bars

cold turkey,

but not me.

See, the difference is,

I've got a strong mind.

Well, I've got a

pretty strong mind.

Well, I've got a mind.

Well, that's it, uncle red.

This test is over.

So what did you

do with those extra

go go bars I found?

I threw them all into

mercury creek, harold.

See, that's

water pollution.

Not in

mercury creek.

It can handle

a few energy bars.

I've seen it dissolve

a snowmobile.

Well, either way,

I've phoned the company.

I told them their

product is dangerous.

And the list of

ingredients was misleading.

"may contain caffeine"?

It was

pure caffeine!

Really?

You got a go go bar!

You got a go go bar.

No, no,

this is just one

from the original batch

that you gave me, harold.

There's no ingredient

listing on there.

Oh, no, no, no.

Not on the ones

that we gave you.

This is just a placebo.

There's nothing in here

but water, flour and

some flavouring.

Yours were all fake.

You mean all those

changes in me

were just my brain

at work, harold?

See how strong

my mind is?

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time!

Yeah, you go

ahead, harold.

I'll be right down.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming home straight

after the meeting.

Maybe you should wait up.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge.

Keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

everybody sit down.

Here we go.

Everybody sit down.

Sit down.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Okay, men, apparently winston

has some kind of public

service announcement.

Yeah, guys, you're going

to have to be careful

when you're fishing

in mercury creek.

With all the go go

bars in there,

fish are going to be a little

more twitchy for a while.

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