No-Tell Boatel/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Here's a great idea for

anybody who lives in

a small house.

It's a little

something I call

my spacesaver table.

First thing you do is attach

one edge of the table

to the wall

with a piano hinge.

Now, you can take a hinge

right off a piano,

but be sure you tell

the pianist first

or somebody could

lose a finger.

Next thing you want to do

is remove all the table legs

with either a screwdriver

or a fat person

falling over it.

Then you replace the

front legs with these

toilet plungers

and mount them right

up through the table

as I've done here.

And just like my own legs,

they're not only decorative,

they're also

fully functional

as coasters...

And as snack bowls.

But here's the best part

when you finish dinner

and you need room to

square dance or

gut a moose,

you can easily get

the table out of the way.

And in keeping with my

bathroom plunger motif,

I'm using toilet paper holders

as my handles.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Thank you.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

Thanks to a wave

of unbelievable luck

and my ability

to negotiate,

I am now the proud owner

of the possum lake motel.

It's not just by the bay,

it's by the hour.

Uncle red?

Yeah.

Have you been

borrowing my cds?

Uh, not lately,

the skeet thrower's broken.

No, 'cause bonnie

and I are trying

to pick out music

for our wedding.

Oh yeah, well,

I would suggest

send in the clowns

and who's sorry now.

Ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha!

You know, I heard when

people have nothing

interesting to say

they make stupid jokes.

Well, that's what

your parents did.

You know, harold, if you

and bonnie are looking

for a place to have

your honeymoon,

you might want

to take a look at this.

A quaint little spot

I like to call the

possum lake motel.

I can get you

a corporate rate.

I know the owner.

You bought that dump?

I think the correct term

is congratulations.

Congratulations,

mister dump owner.

I bought the motel

for 800 bucks, harold.

800 bucks for

the entire motel,

lock, stock

and towels.

All the towels,

nobody's ever taken one.

They can't, they're

stuck to the rack.

Why do you want

to buy a motel?

800 bucks for a motel!

I mean, the land value

alone's got to be

50 grand.

That's called

business savvy,

harold.

Yes, yes.

But you didn't buy the land,

just the motel.

What?

Yup.

Excluding all lands.

And it says you got 24 hours

to get rid of the motel

because the land owners

are actually going to build

a new resort.

So instead of them having

to pay thousands of dollars

to have the motel torn down,

they got you to do it for free

and you paid them

800 dollars to do it.

Yeah, that's

business savvy.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's winner

receives this coupon

for a large section

of charred countertop

from what was formerly

crazy bob's house

of fireworks...

In what was formerly

downtown port asbestos.

All right, cover your

ears there, glen.

Red, you got 30 seconds

to get glen braxton

to say this word...

All right, winston.

And go!

Okay, glen, what do you

call it when people workout?

Stupid.

Okay, no, no.

This is a term for sit-ups,

push-ups, jogging...

Death wish.

No, no, no, okay, no.

Glen, what do you do

in a fitness centre?

I don't know.

All right, all right

all right, okay...

What do people do to get

their cardiovascular

system pumping?

Oh, watch the

playboy channel.

Okay, no, okay, okay.

This is something

your doctor told you.

He told you, you need

to get a little more...

Oh, well,

tell my wife that!

Almost outta

time here, red.

Okay, okay.

Glen, when you were a kid

what did you do in gym class?

Oh, I snapped my towel

at the geeks,

there we go!

Welcome to

talking animals

with local animal control

officer, ed frid.

What do you got

in the trap here, ed?

Oh, it's not a

trap, red.

It's a

beekeeper's box.

Oh boy.

There's about a billion

bees in there.

Oh...

So what you got

to ask yourself

is why would anybody

want to keep bees?

Well, for the honey.

For the honey?

Yeah, it's not worth

getting killed over a

waffle topping, red.

Okay, there's two ways

you can deal with bees safely.

One, is kill them all

and push them around

with a long-handled broom.

Or you can smoke 'em

with a smoker.

Oh yeah, oh yeah,

the bees settle right down

with one of these,

don't they?

Yeah,

this is good.

Or better still,

one of these.

Oh boy.

Oh yeah,

oh yeah.

[ red coughing ]

okay, look in the box

and see how docile

the bees are.

Oooh...

[ bee buzzing ]

oh god, he got me.

Whoa!!

Whoa!

Red, you got to get

the stinger out!

Yeah, yeah, all right,

all right.

Good thing he got you

in someplace I don't

mind touching.

Hurry up and get

the stinger out.

Oooowwww!

You know,

back when I was a kid,

long family car trips

were never a problem

for one simple reason...

We were all

afraid of dad.

But times have changed.

Parents today give their kids

respect and freedom

and constant support.

And man, are they

paying the price.

So this time,

on handyman corner,

I'm going to show you

how you can enjoy

a pleasant family car trip

without reverting back

to the pattern

of parental discipline

and behavioral standards

that were apparently

ruining all

of our lives.

Okay, the first step in

giving kids their own space

is to divide up the space

so you can still have yours.

I've cut this cardboard

template in the exact

shape of the gap

between the driver and

passenger compartment

in my minivan.

Now, this is just a template

for something stronger.

But don't use plywood

or cinderblock,

you want something

you can see through.

Kids can do bad things

very quietly.

I'm going to use

this plexiglass,

just need a little paint

remover to get the

words off there.

I told abe nobody around

here would pay extra

for a handwash.

I left this

on for the kids.

Now to cut the same shape

out of plexiglass.

Plexiglass

splinters real easy

so I've got a fine saw.

Well, it's not real fine,

but it's fine,

and I cut slowly.

[ rooster crows ]

well, there's two weeks of my

life I'll never get back.

Now, I just put the plexiglass

in place and hold it there,

using the handyman's

secret weapon.

So I'm going

to have a divider,

you know, like they have

in limos or police cars.

I guess the same rules

apply to rich people

as it does

to criminals.

Don't want to treat

anybody unfairly.

Boy, this doesn't fit

as well as I had hoped.

I'll just use

more duct tape.

Oh, no, no.

Wait a minute.

Okay, we're good.

Okay, the next step

is to soundproof

the passenger compartment.

That way, your kids can

listen to their own music

without you constantly

hearing words

that need to be

explained to you.

So how do we get

that soundproof

recording studio décor?

Look what I found

in my shed.

You know, I should probably

get my cholesterol checked.

Okay, let's give it a try.

[ air horn blasts ]

[ no audio ]

hope the kids don't think

I'm egging them on.

[ rooster crows ]

maybe I should have said that

in the soundproof area.

But we're not done yet.

You really don't want

other motorists to see

your kids' faces

and hand gestures.

It's been my experience

that motorcycle gangs

have virtually no sense

of humour.

So to avoid those

confrontations,

we're going to

tint the windows.

Here again, cost is

a consideration,

but if you've got

an old movie theatre

in your town,

go into the storage room

and you'll probably find

3-d glasses.

How about that, huh?

It's functional

and it looks...

Functional.

Your first trip should be

to the 3-d movie at the

drive-in theatre.

That way the kids get

the full effect

and you won't

hear a thing.

So remember,

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Oh, I must have hit

the childproof lock button.

Harold?

Harold!!

Har --

[ no audio ]

you know, sometimes people

will come up and ask me

why I got

into television.

My answer's

always the same...

To foster understanding

between the sexes.

We always get a good chuckle

out of that one.

The truth is I got

into television

because I'm just

like television.

Tv and I were born

around the same time

and with the same

lousy reception.

When tv and I were young,

we were both small,

we saw everything

in black and white

and we spent most of the day

sitting quietly in the corner.

But it wasn't long

before tv hit the cable age

and I hit middle age,

and that's when we

started to grow apart.

We both got wider,

but my viewpoint

got narrower.

The tv got less static,

I got more.

The only thing we had in

common was you could

press our buttons

without even getting

up off the couch.

Now harold tells me

that pretty soon the tv

will also be the computer,

the stereo and the phone,

the hardest working thing

in the house.

Needless to say,

this is where tv

and I part company.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

[ applause ]

sewage is a

pattern of numbers.

Number one,

then number two,

then... Number's up.

You do the math.

Well, I got the

motel problem all

worked out.

[shouting]

I'm trying to pick out

a song for our first dance

for the wedding!

You think, "like a virgin"

is too on the nose?

How about two minutes

of silence, harold?

You can't start a wedding

with two minutes of sil --

I meant right now.

Okay.

Hey red, red, red?

Yeah?

Now that you bought

the possum lake motel,

what happened to the

video surveillance tapes?

Oh no, I've got them all,

they're beta.

Oh, perfect, perfect.

Now, look,

if you find one, um,

from room four

on July 23, 1967,

I'd be very interested

in buying it.

Trying to destroy

the evidence?

No, no.

No, no, no.

I was hoping it might jog

anne-marie's memory.

Well, you're going

to have to hurry

because uncle red

has to tear down that motel

in the next 12 hours.

Well harold,

I have a plan.

Oh no.

Oh yes I do, harold.

Take a look at this.

You've got a houseboat,

you got a house.

What's the difference?

Huh, huh?

You get it?

Get it?

No...

No, we don't.

You turn the house over,

you've got a houseboat.

I turn the motel over,

what have I got?

Shag carpet

on the ceiling?

No, sir.

I have a cruise ship.

Wow!

All I got to do is flip

the motel into the lake.

The roof becomes the hull,

the floor becomes

the flat roof,

I slap a 9.9

on the back there

for some decent

gas mileage.

I turn a motel

into a boat-el.

It's going to be huge!

It's going to be

gigantic!

It's going

to be titanic!

Red:

Winston had got a couple

of those model airplanes

that you wind up,

and sometimes it's hard to

open the packaging on them.

And bill was

going to join them

but bill thought it was

a kayaking day and...

You know, communications is

a big part of bill's stupidity

but he has a more aggressive

approach to opening a package.

Oh, oh, oh...

Never work with a guy

wearing a helmet,

that's the rule there.

So winston hands him

all the parts,

and he's going to take a

look at the instructions,

try to get it right

and everything,

and bill's got the a.D.D.

Kicking in so he's --

he's just kind of doing

what he was to do

and funny how, you know, it's

an idiot-idiot with bill.

There, he's fine so winston

hands him the second --

same approach basically.

Bill is so talented

that he can actually

put the plane together

without all the parts

which I find...

Now, he's looking at winston

and that's too much work

winding up that elastic

so he's thinking,

wait a second,

is there some way

that I can do

a bit of a

shortcut here?

He gets an idea, why doesn't he

take winston's work

and kind of borrow it

for a minute

and he hands it

back to winston.

You can keep winding,

winston.

Meanwhile, bill's plane

is ready to go

so he fires it up there.

And the thing with

those planes is

they set the tail

on a bit of an angle

so they'll do

a big circle around,

and bill probably

should have thought that...

Oh!

And unfortunately, winston,

in his pain jumped up and down

on bill's

airplane and so...

And winston had let his

plane go and it was

going in a circle

the other way,

and you know, you wanna --

the heck with it...

Oh!

And it kind of jammed

right in there.

My golly.

Whoa!

That's two minutes

for slashing, right there.

So now they've got no planes

so bill's got an idea.

He's got the kayak and he's got

the paddles and he thinks,

"wait a sec., maybe we can

take this up a notch."

and they had found a small

tricycle they're using

as the landing gear

and now they just need

an elastic --

oh, there's your elastic,

kind of like a wet suit --

a rubber deal.

And he takes

that onto the prop.,

and then bill hooks

her on to the --

oh, boy!

All right, I don't know

about this.

So bill gets in,

and I'm thinking you know,

you still don't have

any wings do you?

No, there's no wings.

Bill, there's no wings.

Bill... No wings.

Oh no, you're good.

You're good.

Okay, all right.

So winston's wind -- really

putting the tension on there

and getting her done...

Okay, he's going

to let her go,

but he had wound it

the wrong way

which was unfortunate.

You know, it's human nature

to remember things

as being better

than they were,

like say,

your dating years

or this old jukebox.

Oh sure, it was kind of neat

to see the arm swing over,

pick up the record

and then swing across

so that the machine

could play it

and then put it away

when it was done.

Something you could never get

your kids to do.

But the problem was that all

the records everybody liked

got played to much

they got all scratchy.

The only ones that

sounded good were like,

the hanky panky

by jim nabors.

So what do you do when

an old entertainment centre

stops being entertaining?

You do what jim nabors

couldn't do,

you modernize.

All it takes is

a little imagination

and a b.B. Gun,

and I can change this unit

from a jukebox into

a video game.

Actually, you can change

a lot of things

with imagination

and a b.B. Gun,

like, where you'll be living

for the next six months.

Okay, let's see...

Elvis, the beatles,

barry manilow.

Number one

with a bullet.

The bridge and groom

will now have the

first dance.

How did it go?

Did you manage to turn

that flea-bitten motel

of yours

into a cruise ship?

Uhh, pretty much, yeah.

So did you pick out

the songs for your wedding?

Oh yeah, pretty much.

You know,

I was hoping maybe

for a suggestion

maybe something like the wreck

of the edmund fitzgerald?

Well, that's an

odd choice,

isn't it?

Yeah, I just grabbed it

out of the air, you know.

Yeah, you must have,

yeah.

So no problems

at all,

you know like nothing broke,

no personal injuries,

no massive

property damage

due to something happening

you hadn't anticipated

like, say... Gravity?

No, no, no,

it went great.

Oh good.

So I can

go see it, then?

No, no, she's out

on sea trials now

and you know,

a test run.

You know, 'cause bonnie

and I are really interested

in booking a honeymoon

aboard the ship.

Okay, well, okay.

Cruise ships are

really for an older

crowd, you know,

and I think the boat-el

cruise ship is very nice,

but I think

you and bonnie

might enjoy something

a little more exciting.

Like living?

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time,

uncle red.

Yeah, you go ahead.

I'll be down in a minute.

Okay, but everything

went well, though?

It went as well

as could be expected.

I'm sorry.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I learned a lot today.

Okay, maybe

I lost 800 bucks,

but when you flip over

a seedy motel

and you see the stuff

that falls out of that thing,

sure makes you feel a lot

better about your

relationship.

I'm glad the batteries

were all dead.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching

and on behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your

stick on the ice.

[ chrs and applause ]

guys, come on in,

everybody.

Everybody seated.

C'mon guys, sit down.

Everybody

sit down please.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

Okay men, good news.

I have a bunch of used beds,

bathtubs, sinks and toilets

at a very

reasonable price.

If you want to see them,

with the breeze and current,

they should wash onshore

around nine o'clock tomorrow.

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