What A Dump/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Oh, man.

I've got a flat tire.

Must've caught a nail.

What a shame.

I was hoping to get

another 20k outta this baby.

Oh, well.

Just have to get the spare.

I think it's one of

those space saver spares.

Yeah, yeah,

there it is.

No, that's a doughnut.

Now what?

A little handyman

ingenuity, that's what.

I could only get two of the

bolts to line up,

so I really had to horse

this baby on here.

I won't be needing

that again anyway.

This baby'll never go flat.

Talk about a steal-belted

radial, huh?

Looks like all those

years of paying road tax

is finally paying off.

[ cheering and applause ]

oh, yeah.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Big, big news up at the lodge

this week.

This time you can chalk one up

for the little guy,

because our local paper,

"the possum lake daily

movement,"

has been running this report for

about a month now

how the city of toronto has run

outta places to put their

garbage,

and they've decided

to dump it all

into an old abandoned quarry

up near port asbestos.

Well, I don't think so.

Red: So is that

any good or what, eh?

We are the man!

Dalton, tell 'em

what we did.

Okay, we went up to the quarry

to protest toronto dumping its

garbage at port asbestos.

And it worked.

They canceled

the project.

Tell 'em why, dalton.

Well, because we gave them

a better alternative.

Yes, we did indeed.

And what was that

better alternative?

They're gonna dump their

garbage right here

at the lodge.

Is that any good?

[ applause ]

now all that high-tone

toronto garbage

is gonna get

delivered right here.

All those b.M.W. Parts.

The unused power tools.

The half assembled

ikea furniture.

We're gonna be sitting

on a gold mine.

Dalton,

ka-ching!

I'm tearing up.

Dalton,

he needs a hug.

It's the possum

lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

and today's prize is

a one-year subscription

to the local paper,

the daily movement.

Believe me, there's no better

way to start a morning.

All right, winston,

cover your ears.

Red, you've got 30 seconds to

get winston to say this word.

All right, dalton.

And go!

Okay, winston, when you

have a car accident,

the first thing you do

with the other driver is

you exchange...

Excuses?

Okay, you drive by somebody's

house and it's on fire.

You think to yourself, boy,

I sure hope that guy has...

Another house.

Okay, you want your family

to be looked after

when you die,

so you buy...

A pitbull?

This is something that

doctors buy a lot of.

Golf balls!

Time's almost up.

Okay, okay, this is

something smart people buy

to protect them

from a disaster.

Oh, a plunger.

You know your self-help guy,

anthony anthony?

What does he have so

that he can make all

those promises?

Liability insurance.

There we go.

[ cheering and applause ]

gord?

Oh, red.

Red green.

Who are all those

people down there?

Oh. They're

friends of mine.

Yeah, I'm just trying to find

them something to munch on.

They're getting

hungry again.

All right. Yeah.

Oh, here we go.

Ah, is that a

good idea, gord?

Oh, it's all right.

They have can openers.

[ laughter ]

[ crashing sound ]

they won't need the

opener for that one.

Carry on!

Have a seat.

What are they doing

down there, gord?

Oh, they're just

enjoying my company.

We're all just

shooting the breeze.

We're just hanging

out together.

No. No. No.

They're not hanging out.

They're chained to

the trees down there.

[ laughter ]

they're environmental

activists.

They're doing their

part to save the trees

from the logging company

that plans to

clear cut this forest.

And each one of

those dedicated individuals

has given me

the key to their freedom,

with explicit instructions

not to unchain them

until I see the logging

company pack up and go home.

Yeah, well they left

a couple of weeks ago.

The loggers are out of here.

Didn't you notice the

bulldozers are gone?

Yeah, I wondered

about that.

Yeah.

They're gone.

I mean, all the

loggers have left.

Yeah. Well, maybe.

Maybe they left.

Maybe they're just hiding.

Had you thought of that?

Gord, you can't have

people chained up to trees

just to keep you company.

Oh, come on.

We're just getting

to know each other.

Besides, one of them

is a w-w-w --

a woman?

Yeah!

[ laughter ]

at least I think

she's a woman.

I hope so anyway.

And she listens to me.

You know, she doesn't just

take off in mid-sentence,

unlike some people I know.

Well, she can't take off.

She's chained to a tree.

Yeah, that might

be part of it.

But I also think she finds

my stories extremely engaging.

Bring your keys.

We're going to unchain all

those tree huggers right now.

All right, look, we can

just throw them the keys.

All right.

Throw them the keys.

[ splashing sound ]

oh, darn, they went

in the lake.

Don't worry about it.

I got a chain cutter.

No-o-o!

You know, for most

middle-aged guys,

the best labour-saving device

is a teenager.

There aren't as many

around as there used to be.

Not even kids

of any age, actually.

This abandoned playground is

another indication that

the birth rate's been going

down over the last few years.

I guess this isn't the

only playtime equipment

that's not getting much use.

So instead of whining about

not having a teenager,

which would be taking irony

to a whole new level,

I'm going to take all this

baby boom playgear

and turn it into a dandy

automatic firewood splitter.

[ laughter ]

first, I'll turn this

slide into a chute

to use as a hopper

for the whole unit.

Not much of a

stretch, really.

If you go down this baby with

a pair of shorts on a hot day,

you'll turn into a bit

of a hopper yourself.

All I got to do now is attach

the oil drum onto the slide.

I gotta take the bottom

out of her first.

There's a lucky break.

The bottom's already

rusted out of this unit.

Toxic waste

can be our friend.

You know, if duct tape is the

handyman's best friend,

then the bungee cord has

got to be his golfing buddy.

We'll use a

couple of them here

to make a spring-loaded

trap door on the slide.

It's really a stopper

for the hopper on my chopper.

Now all I got to do is

get the slide high enough

and at the right angle

so that the bars on the

carousel will hit the

hockey stick.

Of course,

you knew that.

Okay, there's my

hopper/feeder.

Now we need the

chopper/splitter.

And for that all

I need to do

is to mount something heavy on

the end of the teeter-totter

and then mount this axe under

the seat facing down like that.

Then when the log comes

round on the carousel,

she'll drop down and

split her right in half.

I suppose I could

have mounted this unit

on there instead of an axe,

but then it wouldn't be

a teeter-totter, would it?

It would be a see-saw.

I'm using a car

engine as my weight.

An old flat-head four

'cause I'm splitting

pine and birch.

But if you're working in oak

or any of the fruit woods,

you might want to go with

a big block hemi or a

diesel on that.

You can see how that much

weight is going to bring

the axe down

harder than a c.E.O.

After a board meeting.

The trick is how do I get

the axe to go back up?

Oh, there we go.

A round-top

picnic table.

Perfect.

They must have known we

were going to do this

when they built it.

Okay, now, as the

carousel goes around,

these arms are going

to lift up the teeter-totter,

raise the axe up into

position to come down

and split the next log.

Remember when this carousel

was just a waste of time

and energy?

Oh, I know.

Some of you handymen are

thinking, "wait a sec, red.

"somebody's still got

to turn on the carousel,

"and that's way

too much work for me."

oh, ye of little faith.

That's why this car

is front-wheel drive.

[ circus music playing ]

[ applause ]

you know, you see

those young guys on tv,

skateboarding down

the freeway,

jumping off of

office buildings

with nothing

to save them

except special sport

sunglasses

and shoes that cost

more than your car.

Watching those idiots

risk their lives

can make us high mileage guys

feel a little stodgy.

Especially if you have to

rest twice walking up

your own driveway.

Well, don't be fooled.

We are every bit

as brave as they are.

How can you compare bungee

jumping off a bridge

with the risk you run every

time you doze off on the couch

in a house full of teenagers?

Think of the times

you deliberately put

yourself in harm's way

just by truthfully answering

your wife's questions.

Do I look fat?

How do you like my new hat?

Why don't you ever

let me drive?

That takes guts;

not much glory.

But at least you don't need

special sunglasses to do it.

These youngsters don't have

half the jam that we have.

So they risk their lives for a

few seconds in a cheap thrill.

At our age, you and I

risk our lives constantly.

Every time we pick up a

shovel of wet snow

or eat a bacon sandwich

or go to bed

before we're tired.

Remember.

I'll pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

well, our big city garbage

project is moving forward.

We're clearing all our

low-class country junk

off of the lodge property

so we can make room for the

high-quality mega-city garbage.

Red, I found this tie

down by the horseshoe pit.

It was holding up a

leg of a picnic table.

Can I have it?

Uh, no,

but I tell you what.

I'll trade it

for your tie.

You don't need a tie.

You've got a beard.

Hey, did you guys see this

letter from the toronto

sanitation department?

We're going to get

money on this deal.

Let's see that.

How much money?

100 bucks.

Oh, 100 bucks.

I thought you were going

to say a few thousand bucks.

100 bucks

is nothing.

Oh, okay, maybe to

a small-time operator --

to you it's a big deal,

but to an entrepreneur

like myself

that's chicken feed.

No, no, no, no, guys.

We gotta pay them 100 bucks.

What?

100 bucks

is a lot of money.

What do we owe

them money for?

Oh, they say the lodge

is too far from

the highway.

They've gotta bring

the garbage

in smaller trucks

or something.

Oh, mr green, I had my

heart set on that garbage.

It serves an ex-con

right for having a dream.

It's a stinking,

lousy world.

All right.

All right.

You know what?

I bet other cities

have a garbage

problem, too.

Maybe they'd

be interested.

What?

Like new york or reno?

Cleveland!

What?

No, no, I'm

thinking of houston.

Get some of that nasa rocket

garbage up here to the lodge.

We could have some fun

with that, wouldn't we?

That's a great idea.

That would put possum lake

right on the map.

Absolutely.

I can see the headline.

"nasa rocket garbage

lands at possum lodge."

"one small dump for man,

"one giant dump for mankind."

[ laughter ]

welcome to the

experts portion of the show,

where we explore those

three little words

that men find

so hard to say...

Audience: "I don't know."

and joining red today, we have

marina operator --

well, sometimes operator,

dwight cardiff.

[ applause and cheering ]

today's letter

reads as follows...

"dear experts.

I am enclosing a

photo of my new puppy.

"his name is spot.

"I've never owned

a dog before,

"but I know they need

a lot of exercise.

"how often should

I walk spot?"

and it's from adam.

Okay, well, adam,

I would suggest you walk

your puppy after every meal;

otherwise, you're going to

find out why he's called spot.

Okay, adam, I suggest

if you still have

the receipt,

that you return spot

and get yourself

an older dog.

Old dogs don't need

to be walked

because they have no

extra energy in their

systems whatsoever.

Plus they've probably

been fixed,

which accounts for their

lack of interest in

life whatsoever.

[ laughter ]

I guess that's why old

dogs can't turn new tricks.

Learn new tricks.

Better yet, return spot

and make friends with

your neighbour's dog.

That way you still have

a friend to play fetch with,

but you don't have to

feed it or walk it or

clean up after it.

You know, I don't think

adam is going to be taking

his new puppy back, dwight.

Okay, if he insists

on keeping the dog,

then my advice is to prop the

door open with something.

That way he can come

and go as he pleases.

Dogs'll walk themselves

if you let them.

Just remember to

leave his collar off

so nobody knows he's yours.

So you're telling adam

to let spot run around

like a wild animal?

Well, not wild.

Tame but with a lot of

individual discretion.

Well, yeah, but dwight,

if he doesn't have

his collar or tags

he's going to be considered

a stray and just end up

back in the pound.

Then what?

Then adam goes

back down to the pound,

adopts it,

and it's his again.

Have you ever

had a pet, dwight?

I used to

have a snail.

What happened

to it, dwight?

It ran away on me.

[ laughter and applause ]

red: Had a little problem.

Had a hole in the roof

of one of our sheds.

I dunno how it got there,

but, uh, we had to fix that up

I had some shingles

I thought walter was

going to help, but I

don't know where walter is.

Wait a sec.

That's about the size

of the hole in the --

oh, what was that...

That's a concrete block there

oh, uh, uh --

uh, uh --

we're fine.

We're fine.

Dalton, don't

worry about it.

Oh, there it is.

So I send walter over

for a ladder.

He's going to climb

up on the roof.

Now, that's not the ladder

I would have chosen, walter.

Did you really

think this through?

Walter, go get a

decent-sized ladder.

It's not easy.

Don't get up, dalton.

All right, there you go.

Up you go.

I'll throw the

shingles up to you.

Way you go.

Get up there.

Up you go.

Up you go.

Up you go.

Oh-h-h.

Well, now you've

got a problem.

You can't --

oh, here we go.

There you are.

All right.

He'll get up there,

and I'll just throw

him up the shingles.

Shouldn't be a problem.

Careful now,

it's slippery.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh. Oh!

There they are.

There you go.

All right, so we've got

all the shingles laid out.

Now all he needs is just the

hammer, just hammer them down

oh! Oh, boy.

Dalton's no help.

There you go.

He's put the shingles on so

well, he can't tell where

the hole is.

Oh, no. No. No.

That's right.

No, no, no!

Oh-h-h!

There we go.

Job's done!

Doesn't it bug you when

you're sitting down to

watch a football game

or read the paper

or just to reduce the surplus

of fermented beverages

in your home,

and there's a

knock at the door.

It's never anything

you're interested in.

Some guy selling something

or recruiting you for his cult.

Or that nosy woman

with the court order

to clean up your yard.

Well, here's a quick, easy

way to maintain your privacy.

These things are called

half-bricks.

They're cheap

and they're handy;

especially if you're

half-a-brick short of a load.

You want to cover the whole

front of the house with

these babies.

Just make sure you go right

over the door and everything,

then you're ready for the next

guy who comes a-knocking.

[ laughter and applause ]

well, we had everything

all sorted out.

We agreed to pay toronto 100

bucks for their garbage,

and they guaranteed us

three car parts and 12

appliances in every load.

Well, it was our

only alternative.

All the other cities we

contacted weren't interested.

Except for chernobyl.

So we're all set

to receive the first load.

The guys are all

excited and everything.

And as usual,

the government steps in,

screws up the whole thing.

Red, now, wait.

Let's be fair.

They're trying to

protect the environment.

Yeah, these guys

come in with their

fancy lab coats,

start taking soil

and water samples.

Oh, yeah, they suspected the

lodge property contained

contaminants.

Well, duh!

You're only allowed so

many parts per million

of toxic particles

in your environment.

Apparently, we'd already

hit our quota.

Yeah, so they killed

the deal,

put the kibosh on it.

No more big-city

garbage in our future.

I'm going

to need a moment.

Audience: Ah-h-h.

It gets worse.

They won't even let

us leave our junk

lying around.

They ordered us to

clean up the lodge and

our whole end of the lake.

Audience: Ah-h-h.

You know,

they're trying

to save the planet.

If we do the cleanup then

the lodge and the lake

will be here 100

years from now.

Isn't that important

to you guys?

I don't think so.

No, not really.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time.

You guys go ahead.

Tell everybody

the news.

Do you need a hug?

I don't need --

get out of here!

Not from him, anyway.

Speaking of hugs, if my

wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

You know how you're

always saying that the

city is so far ahead of us

in clothes and coffee shops

and youth crime.

Well, apparently,

when it comes to pollution,

we're smoking them.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

winston: Okay, everybody.

Everybody sit down.

Sit down.

Mike: You gotta sit down.

Dalton: Sit. Sit. Sit.

Mike: Sit down, now.

Winston: All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Okay, guys, bow your heads

for the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Okay, guys, as you know,

we've got to clean up the area.

I'm looking for

the owner of a car.

It's a 1982 pacer wagon.

Didn't know they were that --

okay, this one's brown

with a dirty brown interior.

Okay, uh, the license

number I-m-a-d-v-8.

Okay, teddy,

you've got 24 hours to get

your car out of the bottom

of the lake.

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