The Satellite Dish

Red installs a satellite dish in the Lodge, causing everyone to become glued to the television set.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Red's Campfire Songs, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, That's What Friends Are For, Red's Handyman Tips, Adventures With Bill, The Experts

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 4

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: You know, people ask me where we get the inspiration for the things in our show. I'm not sure that "inspiration" is the right word. I think "desperation" comes closer. Uh, but it comes from everywhere. I was riding in a friend's car, and he had a little two-year-old... son or daughter or whatever, uh, sitting in one of those seats with {he makes driving motions with his hands} the little things with these make-believe steering wheels and the gear shift and everything. This was back in the days before anyone had a car accident. And, uh, boy, I thought, I, uh, I actually envied the kid; I wanted these things. And I thought even now, if I had to be a passenger in a vehicle, I'd be a lot happier if I had one of those pretend... you know. So then I thought, well, maybe we could exaggerate that and you could have one of those in your house, sitting in your living room. That'd be kind of fun, but then, why would you be driving your car watching TV? Then I thought, if we connect it to the TV somehow, and to the VCR, then there'd be a legitimate reason, and I'd think that your wife would be far less critical of something that is maybe not as attractive as some of the other living room... accessories. Anyway, you try it in your house and see how it goes. Don't call me.

Transcript
''{Text appears on screen: "Women are watching the world. Men are watching television." Channel-changing sound effects are heard.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! It's The New Red Green Show! {"The Satellite Dish" appears} And now, here's a man who brings the outdoors indoors to your door, a man you adore coming through that door, Mr. Red Green! Ha ha!

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, I appreciate it very much. Well, this morning, I was walking around downtown.

HAROLD GREEN: Downtown? Where's downtown? We have— we hardly have a town, let alone a downtown. Where's downtown? Where's that?

RED GREEN: Where the roads cross, Harold, okay? We got a building on each corner. Around here, that's an urban core. So anyway, I'm walking around downtown, got the shock of my life.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah, I meant to tell you, Murray installed a full-length mirror in front of his store. Ha ha!

RED GREEN: I'm talking about what was in the store, Harold. Had a satellite dish in there, for the TV, and I'm thinking to myself, "Boy, you know, if we had one of those up at the Lodge, we could watch outdoor shows from all over the world." Kind of compare our show to theirs. Mind you, I guess that would be like comparing apples and oranges.

HAROLD GREEN: Or apples and a lemon.

RED GREEN: Sounds like sour grapes from the second banana to me, what do you think?

Title sequence
''{The New Red Green Show intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red sitting in a chair with a calf walking in front of him.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} On today's show, we have the usual animals, plus a four-legged one visiting up at the Lodge.

{Cut to a shot of Ranger Gord panicking as fire erupts in a camp stove}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Ranger Gord is watching out for fire again. There's one there, Gord. Better report that.

{Cut to a shot of Red pushing in and pulling out a wire from a car dashboard.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And this here, I really can't explain it, you're just going to have to stay and watch.

Plot Segment 2
HAROLD GREEN: So, Uncle Red, I thought you said you'd never, ever, ever, never, never, ever buy a satellite dish for the Lodge.

RED GREEN: I didn't buy one, Harold. I made one.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, not that patio umbrella that you lined with foil potato chip bags.

RED GREEN: No, Harold, that one blew away one night. Right in the middle of Baywatch. No, no, we got a new one. This one is real solid, made it out of the roof from the top of the corn silo over at Farmer Nash's place.

HAROLD GREEN: The— the roof?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Did— did he give it to you?

RED GREEN: More of a finder's keeper's event.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! We got a satellite dish!

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, we got a great satellite dish.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! Imagine all the stations!

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, we're already getting about a million stations, but now we're going to put a motorized unit on there, so that you can change the aim, you know, from satellite to satellite without leaving the comfort of your TV room.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha, wow, this is great! We can use, like, the satellite to scan the universe for signs of intelligent life.

RED GREEN: Oh, we're not interested in intelligent life. We want television!

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Okay! This is the big one! For a free ice cream cone with any purchase of a scoop of ice cream from the House of Vanilla! All right, Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Stuyvesant to say this word— {holds up a sign that says "Marriage", mouths the word} Thirty seconds, go!

RED GREEN: All right, Bob, uh, wedding?

BOB STUYVESANT: Divorce.

RED GREEN: Wedlock.

BOB STUYVESANT: Headlock.

RED GREEN: Matrimony.

BOB STUYVESANT: Alimony.

RED GREEN: Now, now, Bob, think. You've had five ex-wives, so you've experienced this five times.

BOB STUYVESANT: {pauses to think} Sex?

Red's Campfire Song
{Red is playing guitar, Harold is tapping a gas can}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, there are so many things your head can do,
 * It can see, think, feel, talk, and smell.
 * Your head is the part of your body you should use the most
 * 'Cause it does so many things so darn well.
 * Use your head wisely, clean it, protect it,
 * You can never go wrong.
 * But if you find yourself banging it against the wall for hours and hours on end,
 * There's a pretty good chance you've been married a little bit too long.

Visit With Ranger Gord
RED GREEN: Now we get a lot of questions for Ranger Gord up here at Possum Lodge, and unfortunately, the only one I can repeat on television is, uh... Ranger Gord, how many forest fires have you spotted from the tower up here?

RANGER GORD: Oh, well, Red, do you mean just this year, or altogether?

RED GREEN: No, no, altogether. Yeah, altogether. Yeah.

RANGER GORD: Let's see, uh... {pauses to think, then pulls out a notebook and starts flipping through it}

RED GREEN: You can just round it off.

RANGER GORD: Yeah, yeah. {flips through notebook some more} None, actually. Yeah. You want to know the secret of being an effective forest ranger?

RED GREEN: What's that?

RANGER GORD: Coffee.

RED GREEN: Coffee?

RANGER GORD: That's right. And I grind my own blend. Ranger Gord Java.

RED GREEN: Wow.

RANGER GORD: It consists of peach pits, acorns, and these coffee plant leaves. {holds up a small branch}

RED GREEN: Oh no, no, Gord, I believe that's poison ivy you got there.

RANGER GORD: Really? Wow, well, it works. It works like the Dickens. You know, one cup of this and I'm up scratching my lips all night. Here, let me mix you up a batch of Ranger Gord Java, okay? {turns on a camping stove}

RED GREEN: The gas looks kind of high.

RANGER GORD: Oh, that's okay.

{The stove bursts into flames.}

RANGER GORD: {suddenly panicking} Fire! Fire! {into a nearby radio} Attention! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is Fire Watchtower 13! Fire Watchtower 13! We've got a fire! Coordinates: um, where am I?! I'm up in my tower here. Send the water bomber right away! With lots of people, okay!

RED GREEN: Gord? Gord? The fire's kind of out here. It's kinda... it's gone. It's done. Pretty much done there.

RANGER GORD: {calming down} It's out.

RED GREEN: Yep. Yeah.

RANGER GORD: It's a good thing that I was here to spot it, and report it.

RED GREEN: {dryly} And start it.

Handyman Corner
{Red is standing inside a room of the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: Up at the Lodge, we turn accidents into opportunities, as most of our parents did. So this week on Handyman Corner, I'm starting with an accident. {walks over to a car dashboard and a TV} This is the kind of thing that can happen when you leave your car parked between two railroad tracks and both trains come along at the same time. Now I suppose we could collect up the pieces and put 'em back together again, but the problem there is, the front end is over in Halifax and the back half's in Vancouver. At times like this, you wish you had a smaller country. So instead, I'm gonna take this unit and turn it into something else. Now what are the two favorite things that men love to do most? All right, now since this is a family show, although I'd certainly be frightened to meet that family, we're going to restrict those two choices to driving a car and watching television. Now what if we could combine those two? I'm not talking about just putting a television set into a car, I'm talking about somehow combining the driving experience with watching television. So what I'm going to do is take a little bit of ingenuity, and this piece of garbage here, and a piece of duct tape, {pulls off some duct tape} and a major railroad accident. I'm going to turn this dashboard into a television remote controller. A man-sized zapper. Sound ingenious? {pulls off more duct tape} Sound incredible? {pulls off more duct tape} Sound impossible? {pulls off more duct tape} Who cares? I'm not listening.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red cuts a wire in the dashboard, causing a zapping noise. He then rapidly cuts all of the wires, then starts touching them to his tongue, leaving one there for a few seconds with a big zapping noise. Red touches the steering wheel with a pair of pliers, then jumps back as sparks fly. He then wires up the front of the dashboard, causing more sparks to fly as Red runs away. Red repeatedly pulls a wire in and out of the dash, then hits the front of the dashboard with an axe, cuts it with a chainsaw, and hammers on it with the back side of the axe. Finally, he starts adjusting the controls on the TV.}''

RED GREEN: It's going to work great with our new satellite dish. Let's start her up!

''{Red puts a key in the ignition and holds it for a while. The TV remains off.}''

RED GREEN: Boy, must have flooded it. {the TV turns on} Oh, there we go! There we go! Here she comes! {the TV screen goes black} There she go— {the TV turns on again} There's the— oh, yeah. And I can control the volume on the unit just with my radio knob here. If I want to change channels, I just turn the steering wheel. I can call this "Turner Broadcasting". Course, that's been taken. The beauty is, I don't have to use my turn signals, which I don't use anyway, actually. And I got my panel light dimmer there to control the brightness of the TV. {the TV, which is incidentally showing an episode of "The Red Green Show", brightens up} And if I should spill some stuff on there, maybe bits of pasta or assorted meals or what have you, onto the screen of the TV, I can clean that off, 'cause I got her all hooked up to my washer and wiper control.

''{He turns on the washer and wiper control. The washer sprays onto the screen and the wiper removes the water.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now you can just reach over into your glove compartment, get out your TV guide. You're browsing through that. I'll tell ya something else, you know what's great? The cigarette lighter. You can use that to heat up your coffee with. {pushes on the lighter, which heats up, then he places it into a cup of coffee on a cup holder} There we go, just like that. And the ashtray is the perfect spot to keep any of your favorite snacks. {takes out the glove compartment, which contains some peanuts} Look at that, eh? Look good? {takes some of the peanuts out and put them in his mouth, savoring them} Kind of a smokey flavor. {spits the peanuts out} And when there's nothing on TV, I just switch over to my VCR. {puts the gear shift down} Where I got fast forward... {pushes down on the gas pedal, causing the TV to speed up and play faster} Or I've got freeze frame... {pushes down on the brake, causing the TV to pause} Oh, I gotta watch this. This is my favorite show. {Harold, on the TV, is talking} Oh! {pushes down on the horn, which honks, drowning out what Harold is saying} Here's another feature: I can block out whatever Harold's saying. C'mon, hurry up. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon. {Harold, on the TV, stops talking and Red starts} Yep. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh. {chuckles} I like this part. Oh, I gotta watch that again. Rewind!

{Red pushes the gear shift up, pushes down on the gas pedal and turns the steering wheel, while looking over his shoulder.}

Commercial bumper
{Ranger Gord is seen lying on the ground, looking up at the sky.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Ranger Gord doesn't have his head in the clouds. He's got the clouds in his head. Stay tuned.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: A lot of you guys are asking me, "Red, I'm forty-something, but am I really middle-aged?" I'll tell you what, here's a few signs that'll let you know you may already have lined up for a ticket to geezer city. Have you started putting screws into a glass jar? And I'm not talking about good screws; I mean old rusted bent screws? You know, with the bunged-up slots on them, because it gives you a chance to use your noodle able maker? Have you turned down a hot tub party with attractive naked people so you could stay around the house and putter? Has your underwear gotten all homely and threadbare because there's no chance anybody other than you, your wife and the heart attack emergency unit are ever gonna see it? Well, I'm telling ya, just relax; you're a normal, virile male in the primal life. Middle age is just a state of mind. And if you don't mention the state of my mind, I'll be happy to overlook yours. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the Lodge, carrying various tools.}

RED GREEN: Well, with this new satellite dish up and running there, we thought we'd motorize her with a couple of garage door openers. {he makes hand motions to interpret what he is saying} You know, kind of spin them around this way. But then I got the idea, why don't we use the garage doors, too; just kinda have them hidden away, then when you want to watch TV, you push a button, she flips up, you know, then the satellite dish is gonna move around and everything, and then you can flip her right back around whenever there's a storm coming or something, you know.

HAROLD GREEN: That's cool! That's really cool. You know what that's like? That's like that show Thunderbirds. That's my most favorite show. Yeah, yeah, 'cause when someone phones International Rescue, right, Mr. Tracy goes, "Thunderbirds, go!" {he dances around and makes silly hand motions to simulate flying} That's so cool. That's a very good show, you know. Oh, and you know, 'cause then, Brains, he's like my most favorite character in the whole show, Brains, he's great, 'cause he'll go, "Launch Thunderbirds!", right? And then, all of a sudden, these secret doors, they just open, right? And out comes this launch pad, and there's this red one, right? It's the first one. And he goes zzzeeww! And he goes! He's gone, right? He's the first one. When he's told to go, he goes, right? So then he goes, "Thunderbird, go!" And the second one goes. He's green, y'know, like a– like a frog or Moose Thompson or something, right? So he goes – zzzeeww! – he's gone, too, right? {Red looks bored} And then "Thunderbird three, go!" And then all of a sudden, the third one, away he goes, Thunderbird three, he's outta there, right? Also, you know what happens? Y'know what happens? Y'know what happens? Y'know what happens? Doors close! Doors close, and then it looks just like an island. Like Gilligan's Island, which is my second most favorite show! It's so cool, right? It is! I like Mary Ann. I like Mary Ann. I do. I like Mary Ann. A lot of people like Ginger. I think she's shallow. I do. She's on a desert island and all she's talking about is, "How do I look?", you know, like that. Yeah, right! Ha, ha, hoo! {he catches his breath} What were we talking about?

RED GREEN: I have no idea, Harold.

Segue: Ranger Gord
{Ranger Gord is lying on the ground near his tower.}

RANGER GORD: Hi, Ranger Gord again, way up here at Fire Watchtower 13. You know, a lot people ask me, "You ever get bored up here?" Well, I say to them, "Hey, how can I ever get bored when I've got my imagination in so many different clouds?" {pointing up toward the sky} Like, look at that one. That one looks like Barbara Bain cutting the lawn. {points up again} Hey, look at that one! That one looks like Raquel Welch sharpening her pencils. {points up again} Ooh, look at that one! That one looks like one of the women from Gilligan's Island. {points up again} Oh, there's a woman smiling at me, and waving!

{The camera pans up to reveal the sky – which is clear and blue and devoid of clouds.}

RANGER GORD: She just has a towel on.

That's What Friends Are For
{Red and Winston enter the room and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: Okay, so let's say you're in real trouble.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Doesn't matter what for.

RED GREEN: Never does.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: No. But whatever the trouble is, we have a few golden rules that all men follow to sort of help ease the squeeze.

RED GREEN: Rules that men have followed for hundreds of years and we're gonna pass them onto you.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yeah. Okay, first of all, don't argue back. It just– it just winds them all up.

RED GREEN: The more you let her blow it all off, the quicker you can get back to your normal routine.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: See, there's nothing that bugs a woman more than someone who disagrees with her.

RED GREEN: No, and that brings us to rule number two: always agree with her, no matter what she says.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yeah. You gotta look her straight in the eye and go, "You know something, dear? You are absolutely right."

RED GREEN: Most of the time, that'll completely disarm them.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: The only trick, though, is, you gotta be humble for at least... an hour afterwards, eh? Otherwise, she'll realize that you're pullin' her chain!

RED GREEN: And that brings us to rule number three: never underestimate a woman, okay? A woman is the most sophisticated, clever, intuitive creature on the face of the earth.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You, on the other hand, are just a man.

Visit With Buzz Sherwood
{Red and Buzz are standing on a pier by the lake.}

RED GREEN: {to camera} I'll tell ya one thing: if you're talkin' safety, you are not talking to Buzz Sherwood. {to Buzz} Hey, Buzz!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Hey, Red man! {playfully punches Red on the shoulder} Whoo! Ha-ha-ha! {Red recoils from the punch; Buzz turns to camera} Hey, Harold, watch this! {camera backs away from him} Oh, oh, oh!

{Red returns, clutching his shoulder.}

RED GREEN: Yeah, thank you. Uh, you got a safety tip for us?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Hey, two words, Red: A.T.V.

RED GREEN: Oh, all right, all right. I know what you're talking about: the all-terrain vehicle.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: That's right, that's right. Now, I've got one, so I know; they are overpowering, they are skitterish, they are hard to stop. Talk about fun. {laughs} Whoa! So be careful, you can get injured.

RED GREEN: You mean, from the tipping over easy or from falling off?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: No, no, it seems to be the brakes. They– they are just totally useless when they're wet. So remember that. Safety first.

RED GREEN: Well, maybe the brakes just need to be adjusted. You have the owner's manual, Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yeah, it's in the compartment under the seat.

RED GREEN: Well, why don't you go get that and we'll see what it says.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Okay!

{Buzz backs away from Red, takes a few steps back away from the edge of the pier, which has visible tire tracks on it and then runs to the edge of the pier.}

RED GREEN: Oh, oh, oh, oh!

{Buzz then jumps off the pier and dives into the lake.}

Plot Segment 4
''{Red enters the Lodge while Harold tunes his switcher. Red is holding a very thick book.}''

RED GREEN: Well, I've hooked up that satellite dish 36 hours ago, and the guys haven't stopped watching TV.

HAROLD GREEN: Y'know, Uncle Red, the average North American person watches six hours of TV a day. You know that? Yeah, I heard that if we didn't watch that much TV, we'd have, like, time to earn six college degrees, maintain five hobbies and be in peak physical condition.

RED GREEN: Wow, is that true? Where'd you hear that, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, some show I was watching.

RED GREEN: I mean, these guys haven't even taken a bathroom break. Junior Singleton's down there, hoppin' from one foot to the other, yelling, "Buy a bowel! Buy a bowel!"

HAROLD GREEN: That– that's "Buy a vowel", Uncle Red; they're watching Wheel of Fortune.

RED GREEN: No, they're watching E.R.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, I'll get 'em out of the TV room. Don't you worry.

RED GREEN: All right, all right. {gives thick book to Harold} I'll tell you what you can do: smack 'em on the head with that if you have to.

HAROLD GREEN: {taking book} A New York City phone book?

RED GREEN: No, no, that's the satellite TV guide.

HAROLD GREEN: {reading through book} Look at all this mindless stuff! Look at that, huh? {suddenly gets excited} Thunderbirds! Thunderbirds! {Red groans} Channel 562! {walks off} That's– I've only seen this one five times. It's...

Red's Handyman Tips
{Red stands behind a cluttered worktable.}

RED GREEN: The safety-smart handyman knows you should always start each new project with a clean workspace.

''{Red grabs his end of the table and lifts it up. The table tips forward, dumping all the stuff on it off and onto the floor. He then lowers the table back down.}''

RED GREEN: Perfect.

Commercial bumper
{Red is seated inside the Lodge on a couch, next to Dougie Franklin.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We'll be back to finish that when I regain consciousness. Stay tuned.

Plot Segment 5
{Red sits backwards on a chair inside the Lodge, looking bored.}

RED GREEN: Well, 37 hours and countin' since I hooked up the satellite dish. Not one person who's wandered into that TV room has come out alive. I haven't seen that many slack-jawed, dull-eyed, blank expressions since my grade ten class picture. It's so quiet in here, the mice are comin' outta the walls and just joinin' them. It's too quiet. I hate it. Way, way too quiet. {suddenly sees a calf walking up to him} You here to join the Lodge? Eh? {calf stops in front of him} You here to join the Lodge? {calf continues on to the left of the Lodge} Because we can– Oh, the TV room? {points to his right} Yeah, it's that way.

Segue: Buzz Sherwood
''{Buzz and Red crash into the pier, with their heads smashed through it. Buzz then pulls his head out, leaving a dipping dent in the pier.}''

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {groans} I'm okay! I'm okay. Red? Red, you okay, man?

{Red pulls his head out of the pier, also leaving a dipping dent.}

RED GREEN: Jeeze, Buzz! If you're gonna fly like that, get doors on the plane!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Doors. Yeah, doors.

The Experts
''{Harold, Red and Dougie Franklin are sitting in the Lodge around a table. Harold sits in a recliner while Red and Dougie sit in a two-person couch.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! And on this week's Experts portion of the show, we have the experts, my uncle Red and his good friend, Dougie Franklin!

{The audience applauds and Red and Dougie wave to them.}

HAROLD GREEN: {taking out letter} Okay, our first letter goes as follows: {reads letter} Uh, "Dear Experts..." {gestures toward Red and Dougie} Haw! "...Recently, my girlfriend and I were out cruising in my Camaro on our way to a street race when she pulled her scarf off my rear-view mirror and told me it was all over between us." Aw! "The next night, I saw her on the back of some guy's motorcycle. How can I win back the girl of my dreams? Bereft in Boston."

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Well, I'll tell ya, feller, I think if you want her back, this is what you gotta do: you gotta get your vehicle into the shop, you gotta get your rings done and your headers chromed.

RED GREEN: What you're saying is, this romance just needs a little tuneup?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Well, yeah. In a manner of words, yeah. In a way of speakin', I would say, a romance, Red, she's like your internal combustion engine: if you want her to run smooth, you gotta maintain your spark. Now, my advice to Bereft is, check you're timin', gaff your plugs, you may not need that jump-start.

RED GREEN: Well, I– I don't think it's very flattering. People don't want their love life compared to a Slant-6.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: It's an accurate comparison, though, and I think Bereft has just gotta hope that the problem is only the spark, 'cause if it ain't the spark, then it's the gas. We all know how quickly you can kill a romance when you are backfirin' down Lovers Lane!

Inside References

 * Red made a satellite dish by lining a patio umbrella with foil chip bags in the Handyman Corner segment of Cross The Lake Race.
 * Bill pulls a hacksaw and some bungee cords out of his pants.
 * The TV antenna Bill cuts with the saw punctures the Possum Van's front-left tire.
 * On the TV, the episode of "The Red Green Show" shown is Car Pool.

Real-World References

 * Turner Broadcasting System, or TBS, is a prominent cable television network in the United States.
 * Thunderbirds is an English TV show from the mid-1960s, using marionette puppetry for characters.
 * Gilligan's Island is an American TV sitcom involving the misadventures of a two-man crew of a small boat and their five passengers who wind up stranded on a desert island after a storm drives them off their course for a three-hour tour.

Famous People

 * One of the women Ranger Gord claims to see in the clouds is Barbara Bain, who is an actress best known for her role as Cinnamon Carter on Mission: Impossible.
 * Another woman Ranger Gord claims to see in the clouds is Raquel Welch, who is an American actress and winner of the Golden Globe.