Life Is A Circus/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Red: You ever see

one of these?

It's called a lazy susan.

I don't know

who it's named after,

but she sounds

like my kinda woman.

Now, these things are great

for reaching stuff at

a round table --

I'm gonna need

this table cloth.

But if you've got a narrow

rectangular table,

you're going

to have to dump susan

and go with a

taller skinnier model.

Okay, first thing you

wanna do is lay a ladder

along the length

of your dining room table.

It's always handy

to have one anyway,

in case some of your

guests are social climbers.

[ chuckles ]

okay, you know what

the first "step" is?

This one.

[ chuckles ]

how 'bout

the second "step"?

All right, harold!

I'm gettin' to it.

Okay, now, I cut my tablecloth

into two narrow strips.

Same length as my ladder.

And I attached

the ends together

using the handyman's

secret weapon.

Got the one end around the

bottom rung of the ladder,

and the other end goes right

around this car muffler.

Now, you can use anything you

want, as long as it's

cylindrical,

because when you duct tape

it to a reversible drill,

the whole unit becomes

more than a centerpiece,

it's a conveyor belt.

This isn't just

a lazy susan,

it's an easy flow.

Actually got the idea from

watching all those beer cases

roll along the metal cylinders

over at the beer store.

And they called it

a misspent youth.

So in keeping with

the beer store theme,

I've packed all

my food and condiments

into this two-four.

So hey,

pass the ketchup.

And while you're at it,

pass the mayo, mustard,

relish, salad dressing, salt,

pepper, salsa, jalapeños,

peanut butter, olives,

paprika, steak sauce,

canned gravy, liquid cheese

and malt vinegar.

And when you wanna get those

condiments for your own food,

just switch the

drill to full-speed,

reverse,

and you can get them

back in a hurry.

Okay, uh, it's also

great for picnics.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

All right.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

75th anniversary

of the lodge,

so we're having kind

of a carnival thing.

Stuff like boat rides --

or submarine rides, if you

get one of the older boats.

It's also a

maelstrom year.

Every 25 years, we have these

things called a maelstrom.

It's when lodge members are

allowed to challenge each other

to prove their manhood.

In a maelstrom, you can either

accept the challenge,

or you have to resign

from the lodge.

Probably why our

membership never goes up.

Red! Red!

Yeah?

Wait'll you see this!

Is it a maelstrom thing?

Somebody challenge

your manhood?

No, but I haven't

been home yet.

No, no, this is old man

sedgwick's maelstrom.

He was dared to sell all

his old army memorabilia.

That's a pretty

small challenge.

Well... He's got a

pretty small manhood.

You know what, I got

some great deals, red.

I got a cannon!

I got a real cannon!

Wow!

Yeah, and his

old helmet.

You know, I bet he wore

this on his way to battle.

Yeah,

I bet he did.

I bet he wore these running

shoes on his way out

of battle!

Uncle red! Uncle red!

Dalton, hello.

I have a

fantastic idea.

Harold, you can't

afford a sex change.

Ha, ha, ha.

No, no, no, no.

No, it's a

fantastic idea.

What we do is take all this

stuff from old man sedgwick's

garage sale, right,

and we take that and we

use it to turn our carnival

into a circus!

That's a dumb idea.

Well, we can charge

people more.

I like it.

That's good, dalton,

because everyone

has to pitch in to help.

And you can help

by being the circus clown.

No, no, no.

It's not a request...

It's a maelstrom!

[ red chuckles ]

uncle red,

your maelstrom...

Huh?

[ laughter and applause ]

every circus needs

a bearded lady.

Did you know we

have a cannon, harold?

Yeah, I heard.

Yeah, that's good.

Well, your maelstrom

is to be the human

cannonball.

It's time for

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

wahoo!

Today's winner

receives this coupon

for a free session

at the port asbestos

rhinoplasty

and high colonic centre,

where you can

get a nose job

and a hose a job.

Try it.

You'll breathe easier.

Okay, cover your

thingies, ed.

Uh, mr. Green,

you got 30 seconds

to get ed frid

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

mike.

Okay, and... Go!

Okay, ed, um, this is

something your uncle shears

to make sweaters.

His back.

No, okay -- no.

Uh, ed, where does

wool come from?

Wool-mart?

No, no, uh --

okay, when you see a guy

on tv and he's running

from the law,

you know he's on the...

Board of directors.

Okay, okay,

think, ed.

Mutton.

Jeff.

No, okay, in the bible it

says what will lie down

with the lion?

Dead tourists.

No, okay, this is a person that

some folks actually worship.

If you think of the mountains,

you think of the dalai...

Parton.

You're almost

outta time, mr. Green.

Yeah, uh...

Okay, ed,

this is something you've

heard most of your life.

Mary had a little...

Headache.

No, no, ed.

This is a song.

Oh, you mean like,

who put the bop in

the bop she-bop she-bop?

Or who put the ram in

the rama lama ding dong?

There it is!

When it's your

40th birthday,

you get a house

full of gifts.

When it's your

septic's 40th birthday,

you get a whole

yard full of 'em.

Call me before you

hit the big 4-uh-oh.

My wife wants me

to be healthier.

So she gave me one

of these woks to cook with.

A few years ago.

Now, I know there are a

lot of really bad wok jokes...

"wok this way"

or "if I could wok that way,

I wouldn't need the frying pan"

or the incredibly juvenile,

"you can tell by

the way I use my wok,

"I'm a ladies man/

no time to talk."

well, see, those are just

the kind of stupid jokes

that harold would do.

I'm above that.

Now, bernice says

if I can heat up some oil

and slice a

few vegetables,

I can make a healthy meal

in about 10 minutes.

Well, heck, I can open

a bag of pork rinds

in a lot less

than 10 minutes.

Okay, the point is

maybe I should give this

healthy cooking a try,

but I'm tellin' you,

cookin' one meal at a time?

I don't think that's

gonna make me healthy.

And my doctor

agrees with me.

He told me I could

use a big wok every day!

See, with this baby,

I can make a whole month's

worth of meals at one time.

It's actually

junior singleton's

old satellite dish.

Or as I call it,

the wok of life.

Okay, she's good and hot.

Now, it's time

to add the oil.

Lots of ways

we can go here...

Canola, olive,

or my personal favourite,

10-w-30.

Golly, a meal that smells

like a stock car race.

[ chuckling ]

these beets were

made for wokking.

[ cat complains ]

now, the key to stir frying is

to stir while you're frying.

I figured that out

myself, actually.

Man, this is getting

pretty hot here.

Oh yeah, and also you don't

wanna scratch your super wok,

so make sure you

use something plastic.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you healthy.

What?

If you see my wife,

tell her

I went for a wok.

[ applause ]

wanna talk to

you older guys out there

about your

athletic ability.

This won't take long.

Now, we all know that

wine improves with age.

But wine doesn't

play hockey.

You're not just

hurting yourself you know.

Every time you

lace up your skates,

you're increasing the

cost of everybody's

medical insurance.

Everyone knows you named

yourself captain of the team

so you wouldn't have to worry

about being picked last.

And you had to get

the biggest locker

so you'd have room

for all your advil.

Are you wondering

if I'm talking to you?

Well, if you're the

oldest guy in the arena,

including

everyone's parents,

that's a clue.

If they ask you to stand still

during the anthem,

so the sound of

your joints cracking

doesn't drown out the p.A.,

these are all signs

that it may be over.

It's time for you

to move on to sports

that are better suited to your

current athletic ability,

like picking onions

out of your salad

or staying up

until nine.

Besides, you need

to save your energy

for the one sport that

lasts a lifetime for

married couples...

Arguing.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

If you wake up every morning to

the sound of birds coughing,

it's time to call

rothschild's.

Well, this carnival thing is a

big hit with everyone

except the people

who are in it.

We got a regular

four-ring circus going.

Three in the tent

and one around possum lake.

Ah, we're good to go,

mr. Green.

Just waiting for the

paint to dry on my booth.

You selli ''

kisses?

Uh, no, the warden

doesn't allow that.

No, I'm guessing people's

age and weight.

Would you care

to have a go?

Oh, he's good.

He's good.

And considerate too.

He whispers the

answers to the women.

Well, isn't

whispering to women

what got you into prison

in the first place?

Just hold still, okay.

Okay... Hmm.

Okay, I would say

you are 58 years old

and you weigh

167 pounds.

Wow! How'd you

do that?

It's on your

driver's license.

[ laughter and applause ]

hey, hey, hey.

What are you doi ''

in the circus?

Oh, uh, I'm doin'

the high wire act.

Isn't that a

little scary?

Oh, not really.

You learn the same skill

as you do in the sewage

business...

Never look down.

[ applause ]

uncle red.

Shouldn't you be

wearing your dress?

Now, there's a question

every man wants to hear.

Well, since I'm all

ready to be shot out

of the cannon,

I think you should

be dressed like the

bearded lady.

You know, unless you wanna

just call the whole thing off.

No, no, no.

I'm good to go.

Why, do you wanna

chicken out?

No!

No, I don't.

No, I don't.

I was just -- I was

thinking of convenience.

That's all,

just convenience.

You know, you wouldn't

have to look silly.

I wouldn't have to die.

No, I think we should

face our fears.

You do, huh?

All right, then I will.

That's exactly what

I'll do!

Here I go.

Wish me luck.

Good luck, harold.

Okay.

Harold, the cannon's

that way.

[ whimpering ]

I know.

Red: We had put our lunch

in a picnic basket

and left her in the barn

because we were doing some

clean-up around the lodge.

And walter, apparently, had

gotten there just a tad early.

And, uh...

Bill and I came in.

We were pretty hungry.

We were kinda looking forward

to the lunch we had packed.

We got in there

and opened up the basket

and were quite surprised

to see that it was

mainly just scraps

and flots and bits

and what have you.

And we inquired as to

walter what had --

he didn't seem to have

a lot of information

in that area.

And then, uh, he finally

surmised that he knows

what it is.

Rats, little rats

in the --

bill goes, no problem.

I happen to have a couple of

traps in my pants.

There we go.

Well, they weren't set.

Wasn't dangerous.

So he grabs some

cheese out of the basket

and sets one down over --

they're a good size --

the rat trap is a

good-sized trap.

It's got a real

good spring on it.

Off an '82 reliant,

I believe.

Then he sets the other --

careful.

Oh! Golly that can sting.

And then he's

dancin' around a bit,

and wouldn't you know,

he clips the other one

with his foot.

Now this is startin'

to hurt him.

And then...

Oh! Oh!

Wait, don't we

have two rakes?

Oh, yeah.

All right,

later that day...

I got the idea

to go to plan "b",

which is one of these

sticky rat pads they have.

We've had this

baby a while.

I figure it works,

and it's it safer.

You just leave

the pad lying out,

and the rat gets kinda --

his feet get stuck in there.

It's dried.

Moisten maybe it'd be okay.

I figure okay,

the technology,

it's a good idea, maybe we'll

just build our own.

Build maybe

a better mousetrap --

or rat trap,

or what have you,

by just pouring

our own adhesive,

glue, what have you,

into some garbage can lids.

This is the strong stuff.

And you take that,

leave those in the barn

just strategically placed,

and they're gonna catch maybe

six, seven, eight, nine,

maybe a thousand rats.

Oh, what happened there?

Uh, they seem to be

preoccupied

with some sort

of nasal adjustment.

And then of course they step

right into the glue

and fall down,

and the lids are

stuck to their feet.

Now, walter didn't

come off too bad,

'cause I got her

off right away.

But you can see the

adhesion quotient there.

But just an extra

few seconds was all it took

for bill's

to set right in.

So I'm thinkin', walter,

go and get the possum van.

I got an idea.

I figure if I could wedge that

lid right into the floor,

like straight

up and down,

and then get walter

to back over him,

what would happen is,

I figured --

I didn't realise he had

so much glue on his feet.

But anyway, he did

eventually get there.

And I just figure,

I'll just clear the area.

Slow down! Slow down!

I didn't realise walter's feet

at this point were stuck.

So I just got

outta there.

And then he was

right over bill,

nails the garbage can lid,

away she goes.

And, uh, you know,

everything's as good as new.

Uh, bill's a little upset,

you know, with the treatment.

And, uh, he gets

into a little bit of

a something with walter,

but walter just keeps

comin' back for more.

Meanwhile, I wasn't

havin' my best day.

Wait a minute!

Don't we have two rakes?

If you're getting

back to nature,

good for you.

If nature's getting

back to you,

good for me.

[ laughter ]

[ wolf whistles

and applause ]

I can't stay.

The carnival

starts any minute,

and when you're

dressed like this,

it's good to keep moving.

[ applause ]

red, dalton and I don't

wanna go through with this.

I mean, when I agreed

to walk the high wire,

I didn't know

it was the one they

run electricity through!

Well, I'm sure they'll

turn the power off.

At least down.

What's your

problem, dalton?

I just don't

feel funny.

I don't know how we

can get out of this.

I mean, it's the

maelstrom.

Well, if any one

of us reneges,

that means we're

not a man, right?

Right.

Which is basically like

saying we're different

from the others.

But if we

all chicken out --

I mean, uh --

uh, rethink the plan --

rethink the plan.

Yeah.

And all of us quit,

then nobody's different,

and nobody has

to resign from the lodge.

Oh, I dunno,

winston.

Oh, mr. Green!

You've got

beautiful legs.

Okay, that's it.

The deal's off.

The maelstrom

doesn't count,

'cause we're all

quittin' at the

same time.

Thank you, red!

Hadn't somebody

better tell harold?

He's already

in the cannon.

Harold! Harold!

[ blast ]

[ crashing on roof ]

[ possum squealing ]

dalton:

Uh, meeting time!

Harold? You okay?

You know, I think

you're fine.

Just, uh, you know,

you're unconscious.

Your body does that, eh,

so it can concentrate

on the healing.

Boy, we learned a lot today,

uh, didn't we, harold?

Like I was wrong about

that maelstrom thing,

uh, harold, you know.

You're already a man.

In fact, you're a

real good man,

and you don't need me forcin'

you to do dumb things,

you know, that really don't

prove anything, so --

uncle red.

Harold?

You thought that

dummy was me.

Force of habit.

Those were

the nicest words

you almost

ever said to me.

Take your hands

off me, harold.

I'm a lady.

I'm just gonna go.

Please do.

Okay, uh, if my

wife is watchin',

I'll be comin' straight

home after the meetin'.

And I'm hopin' to prove that

I'm more of a man than I look.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, everybody sit down.

Sit down everybody.

Sit down in your seats.

Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Okay, now, I've been hearing

some rumours that many of you

are dissatisfied with the way

the lodge executive

handled the whole

maelstrom situation.

I take great

exception to that.

Now, if I could just

get my vice president

and my secretary treasurer

to stand with me,

I think it's pretty obvious

that we've got the

right people for the job.

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