He-Man Contest

The Lodge plays host to a He-Man competition.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, Handyman Corner, Red and Harold On Life, Red's Poetry, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Male Call, Adventures With Bill, Harold's Segments

DVD: Red Green – The Infantile Years

Transcript
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, there are clips of the show, followed by an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshots appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.}''

Intro
''{The camera moves through the Lodge from a back room, cluttered with various items, as it goes out into the main room of the Lodge. All the while, Harold introduces the show.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Now time for the show that everybody's talking about! The show that caught the nation's attention and it's top of the critics' list. {low voice} Well, I didn't say which list, so it's really not false advertising, okay? {normal voice} It's "The Red Green Show"! And now, please give a warm welcome for your host with the most, and my uncle, Red Green!

''{By now, the camera has reached the lobby. Red enters through the front door, waving to the audience, who applauds. Harold gives a thumbs-up to him.}''

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Thank you very much, Harold. {to audience} Thank you and, uh, welcome to the show. We got a heck of a show for you this week. Uh, we have a story about– We have a He-Man contest up here at the Lodge, with, uh, first prize being a truss. And then, later on, uh, Wayne Gretzky is gonna drop by.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, uh, he had to cancel?

RED GREEN: What? I thought he was dropping by.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, it's just, you know, it's all tentative on a few things.

RED GREEN: What things?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know, like, if we can get through to him, you know, and he hadn't seen the show, and, uh, you know, just hoping that he knew what he was getting in to. Stuff like just things! Okay? {walks up close to Red}

RED GREEN: {to audience} Well, uh, this here is my nephew, Harold, and, uh, more importantly, my producer and director and, uh, up until now, uh, had been in charge of booking the guests for the show. But, uh, anyway, we've still got Karen Kain coming. We're gonna do some moose hunting–

HAROLD GREEN: {clearing his throat loudly} No. {clearing his throat again} No. No, it's not. Well... Well, let's– let's just– Well, she's not gonna be here, as you might think. You know, like, in person.

RED GREEN: What happened, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know, this and that and those and them and... She's washing her hair. And among other things.

RED GREEN: {sighs} Oh, well, not to worry, I've still got my story about the He-Man contest.

HAROLD GREEN: And we've always got these special effects.

''{Harold plays his switcher. The camera twists the scene around. Harold laughs.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, I'll start with the story, and then we can save the dipsy-doodles for when we're trying to kill dead air.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay. {plays his switcher to trigger the next segment}

RED GREEN: Well, my story isn't dead air, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: I made a judgment call, Uncle Red.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * I have an old wood stove,
 * Belonged to my dad.

HAROLD GREEN: Dad.

RED GREEN:
 * It was the best darn wood stove
 * That he ever had.

HAROLD GREEN: Sure.

RED GREEN:
 * It hisses and cracks
 * And burns things real bad.
 * It belches and smokes,
 * But then, so did my dad.

{Red plays a note on the guitar, which sounds sour.}

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Does this sound in tune to you?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, except when you play it.

Commercial bumper
{Red and Harold stand in the Lodge, looking directly into the camera.}

RED GREEN: We'll be right back after this commercial break with more about the He-Man contest story.

HAROLD GREEN: If you have children, get them out of the room NOW! Just in case! {laughs} I would.

''{Cut back to Red in his stove reclining chair. He hears something crackling.}''

RED GREEN: What's that smell?

The Winter of Our Discount Tent
''{Red sits next to a camping tent in snow, dressed in a heavy parka. He reads from a book.}''

RED GREEN: It is winter. A friend hits you in the face with a snowball. And as it melts, you become aware that he has a new puppy.

Red's Campfire Song 2
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * I'll tell you the story 'bout Lumberjack Mort.
 * He was well over 40, stocky and short.
 * He could clear a whole forest in less than a week.
 * But take away his bulldozer, he'd be up a creek.

The Winter of Our Discount Tent 2
''{Red sits next to a camping tent in snow, dressed in a heavy parka. He reads from a book.}''

RED GREEN: It is winter. My wife snuggles close. "Put a log on the fire," she whispers. I do. It sizzles and pops, it crackles and snaps and fizzles, it shakes and yelps and runs away whimpering. Log? I thought she said, "Dog".

Famous People

 * Near the beginning, Red announces that Wayne Gretzky and Karen Kain would appear on the show, only to learn they canceled.