Harold's Dilemma/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, one of the

disadvantages of living

in a small town in winter

is you never drive far

enough for your car

heater to warm up.

It almost makes me wish

they'd move the beer store

to port asbestos.

Luckily, the handyman

always has a solution.

Rather than wasting

a whole bunch of gas

warming up your car heater,

I got a better idea --

or at least I should say

a cheaper idea.

I've lined the whole

inside of my coat

with toaster elements.

And I've hooked up this plug

that goes right into the

cigarette lighter.

So in about ten seconds,

I'll be warm as toast.

You could line the inside of

your pants the same way,

but instead of a toaster

you should use a bun warmer.

I recommend you

give this a try.

I guarantee you'll be

the toast of the town.

[ timer bell rings ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

No, no. I appreciate that.

Well, I've had

a pleasant surprise,

and that doesn't

happen all that often

when you're a middle-aged

man in a world

riddled with

full-length mirrors.

You know, when harold

took on the job

as public relations director

for the possum lake area,

I was afraid he was

going to wreck the lodge

just so people

would like it.

But here we are

almost a year later,

and he really hasn't

changed anything.

I mean, that suits me fine.

I find life goes better when

people don't do anything.

Uncle red, I have something

to discuss with you.

Okay, that's fine,

harold.

You know, I was just

telling everybody

how proud I am

of how little

you've accomplished.

[ laughter ]

oh, oh.

I appreciate that.

Of course, city council has a

bit of a different take on it.

Overall, my department is

showing a net loss

of $5,000.

Oh, man, that's

not bad, huh?

Well, they were

hoping for a profit.

They hired me as

a revenue source,

so they're

pretty disappointed.

Well, harold, life is

about disappointment.

You'd know that

if you were married.

Well, now my contract's

up for renewal.

I have to find a way to cover

the $5,000 shortfall.

So I've booked

an appointment with

the bank manager.

Well, there you go.

And don't take any

guff from him, harold.

I mean, you know,

he's there to lend money.

That's his job,

okay.

And there's

other banks.

Like, if he doesn't

offer you something

you like,

you just give him the

big orange and hike

it on outta there.

Okay! Okay!

Good. Good.

'cause I need

you to go with me.

Oh, no, harold, that guy

scares the crap outta me.

No.

Come on!

I'll do all

the talking.

And the lodge is a

big part of the problem.

So I need you to

wear this sports coat,

because it makes a better

professional impression.

I thought you were

just taking this

to the cleaners.

All set.

Let's go.

You want me to take

it to the cleaners

when I'm done?

No.

Why are you so

concerned about my jacket?

Well, every time

I've been to the bank,

somebody ends up

going to the cleaners.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize is a ride-along

in a police cruiser

with one of

possum lake's finest.

Experience the thrills,

the high-speed chases,

the drive-bys and

the drive-thrus.

This is a great prize.

I've been on a couple

of these myself.

Okay, cover your thingys.

Okay, mr. Green,

you've got 30 seconds

to get winston

to say this word...

All right, mike.

And go!

Okay, winston, this is the

opposite of admission.

Subtraction?

Okay, someone who's unaware

of their own weaknesses

or shortcomings

is obviously in...

Politics.

Okay, okay, okay.

If somebody is outta

touch with reality,

they're experiencing...

A beer buzz.

Almost outta time,

mr. Green.

Winston, what was that slogan

you came up with last week?

Remember you came up

with that slogan?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I love sucking septics;

it suits my style.

I'd rather be in sewage

than live in denial.

There we go,

baby!

[ ♪ ]

this is the repair shop

part of the show we call

if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

Joining me today,

dalton humphrey

of humphrey's

everything store.

You got any bargains down

at the store there, dalton?

You betcha, red.

You drop by before

noon on Saturday,

the admission is free.

Do you normally charge

admission to your store?

It's not just a store, red.

I kind of think of it

as a thrift museum.

Oh, yeah, and is this an

artefact from the cheap

crap display?

No, no, that's my

wife's waffle iron.

I was wondering if

you could help

me clean it.

You make waffles out of

petroleum products,

do you?

There's some kind of

melted rubber on here.

Yeah, right.

Well, I wore all the

treads off my work boots,

and I saw that the pattern

on this waffle iron

was the same,

so I figured I could --

you know, I'd just --

start to liquefy

some noxious materials

in your kitchen to save

a few bucks, huh?

Boy, I never thought

of it that way.

Gee, I thought maybe

the budgie just died

of old age.

Well, I might be able to get

that off with a screw driver.

How did you wear the

treads off your

work boots?

Well, I finally decided

to build that gazebo

my wife's been

asking for.

So I had to pick up about

a tonne of shingles and

lumber and stuff,

so I just threw it all in the

back of my truck, see?

Oh, that old

pick-up truck?

You finally coughed

up enough money to get the

brakes fixed on that yet?

No, no, that's how I wore

the treads off my shoes.

So can you help

me clean this up?

Yeah, I think she's

pretty good right there.

Oh, that's great.

I wish I could pay you.

Well, why don't you just

give me the waffle iron?

No, no,

I need this.

I'm gonna make

some snow tires.

People sometimes

call me a chump.

They say I'm too

small to handle a dump.

But I can suck up

any size lump.

It's not the length

of the hose,

it's the strength

of the pump.

Don't you hate

driving in winter

when your tires

just sit there and spin?

Oh, sure, it's okay if you're

just driving to school

or work;

but other than that,

it can be a real pain.

So this time on

handyman corner,

I'm gonna show you how

you can convert your car

into a go-anywhere

winter vehicle.

First thing we gotta do is

increase the traction

on the back wheels.

To do that you're

gonna need a man's belt

made out of leather and big

enough to go all the way

around tire.

If you're a

math whiz, now,

what you do is

measure the diameter

and multiply that by pi.

Or you could just get

yourself a couple of moose

thompson's belts.

They're used to

being around a tire,

and I'm sure pie

was involved.

Now, before we mount

the belts onto the wheels,

we need to add

something to them

to give us a lot

more traction.

I suggest cutlery.

You probably have a bunch

of old, used cutlery

around your house.

We're not that

lucky at the lodge.

We have lots of

old cutlery,

but hardly any of

it is used.

Now, you'll notice I attached

all the cutlery on there

using the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

Now all I have to do

is replace the standard

wheels with these babies,

and I'm good to go.

And it's just that easy.

Now you'll be

able to go anywhere,

even if there's a

fork in the road.

Get it?

Oh, and take a

look at this.

To make sure the front wheels

glide along smoothly,

I found a great use

for those old toboggans.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

Lots of crazy stuff happening

on the roads these days.

I mean, you see

the ads on tv,

where they got some yuppie,

weenie in a high-priced

status-mobile

sliding into a corner in a

four-wheel drift,

going about 130.

You think to yourself,

now, who would be stupid

enough to try that?

You go out on the highway,

there's your answer.

I mean, these guys, they're

dipsy-doodling through

the traffic

doing twice the

speed of sense,

turning your relaxing drive

into a teeth grinder.

You know what these goofs are

saying more or less is,

hey, out of the way, sucker.

Make room for

the big fish, huh?

I know the normal reaction

is to teach them a lesson

by driving like

an idiot yourself.

But you might wanna

think that one over.

You know, at that speed,

the road'll be going

by pretty fast

when you look down through

the boards of your k-car.

So instead, I say,

just slow down.

Think about the truth.

That guy that

just blew past you

is trying to make payments

on a $60,000 car.

And he's got to get to work

early so he can get

a promotion

so that next year he can make

payments on an $80,000 car.

I mean, it's like he's

treading water in a saucepan.

He's not gonna drown,

but he's still cooked.

Whereas you, my friend,

have the sweet life.

If you're late for work

nobody cares.

You don't have to

risk your life.

Do you see a promotion

coming your way?

No chance!

So you just sit back,

turn up the radio,

if it still works.

Don't the let the big fish in

the small car bother you.

Right now he's just

the one who got away.

But in the long run, you're

the one who got your way.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

if your home has started to

smell like a barn

and you're 1,000 miles

from the nearest farm,

call before the stink

does any more harm.

Don't wait till it sets

off the smoke alarm.

Dalton:

What a beautiful day.

Red: Yeah, you won't see

another one like today.

Mike:

It's almost like a dream,

except for the

smell of the lake.

Dalton:

Maybe it is a dream.

Mike:

Say, what is that

smell anyway?

Red: Well, it's

either raw sewage

or dead algae

or dalton.

Dalton: You know,

it could be a dream.

Maybe I'm dreaming

and your two aren't real.

Mike: Or maybe I'm dreaming.

This could be my dream.

Except you guys would

be wearing dresses.

Red:

Well, if it was my dream,

I'd have caught

some fish by now,

and I wouldn't

have you two.

I'd have harpo marx

and marcel marceau here.

Mike: I think he wants

us to be quiet.

Dalton: I sensed that.

Mike: What do you

dream about, mr. Green?

Red: A perfect world, mike,

where nobody bothers me.

Dalton: Amen.

Mike: But for nobody

to bother you,

you'd have to be alone.

Dalton: Well, sometimes

a man needs to be alone, mike.

Mike: I know.

It's called solitary.

I just never heard of anybody

dreaming about it before.

Red: Well, no, we don't want

to be alone all the time,

just some of the time.

Dalton: A lot of the time.

Most of the time.

Mike: Not me.

I like to be with people,

interacting, sharing.

Red: You know, mike, when

you steal a person's watch,

that's not called sharing.

Mike: That's been

a harsh lesson for me.

Red: Yeah.

[ applause ]

okay, so we go

down to the bank

to borrow the 5,000

and I was asked

to be there.

Then I was told to sit

quietly and keep my

mouth shut.

That's what you

told me, right?

Everyone in the

bank told you.

Okay,

that's fine.

So I'm sitting there

waiting for harold

trump here

to ask for the 5,000.

You can't just

borrow money.

You have to have

a business plan.

I've never had a

business plan.

You never

ran a business.

Well, this is a

lodge, harold.

This is for the enjoyment

of people like me.

It's not about

making money.

And it's my job

to change that.

I like my job.

I don't wanna lose it

and have to move away again.

That's why I made

the proposal.

Oh, boy, you should've

heard this.

He says we wanna make all

kinds of improvements

to the lodge

so it'll attract tourists

to come up from the city.

Who wants that?

Well, we have a financial

problem, uncle red.

Well, okay, we have a

$5,000 problem, harold.

Why can't we just borrow

against the lodge.

It's gotta be worth

at least five grand.

Well, I'd say closer to 200.

Really?

200,000?

$200?

No.

That's the one.

What are you

talking about, harold?

I mean, the land alone has

got to be worth 50,000.

You don't own

the land, the bank does.

Well, then what are

they worried about?

That doesn't even

make sense.

Uncle red, the only

way out of this is

we have to make

major renovations

and then the lodge can

become a profit centre.

Oh, yeah.

You should've

heard this one.

He hits the bank up

for two million bucks!

I mean, it was the most

insane thing I ever heard.

And then the bank

manager tops him

by saying yes.

Well, he knows a good

investment when

he sees one.

Harold, that's not

a good investment;

that's insanity.

You don't take on a

$2 million debt

to solve a $5,000 problem.

It's the way the

government does it.

[ applause ]

red: Mike and I had kind of

agreed to meet out by

the woods there

and just go have

a little picnic.

And mike pulled up

in a car -- wow!

That is a nice set

of wheels.

That your car, mike?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, he says.

All right, well,

it's his car now, I guess.

I got a little suspicious

when he couldn't figure out

how to open the trunk.

So I said, this is

one of these fancy --

it's the remote deal.

You push the little button

to open the trunk.

Funny he didn't

know that, eh,

with it being his

car and everything?

So he had brought his

stuff for the picnic,

which was about ten of those

boxes of canned stew.

I figured one would do it,

but he wanted

to take them all.

He said he had to hide

them for a while.

So as long as he's carrying

them, I didn't mind.

And he also had brought

a two-wheel dolly

that had kind of a

fresh look to it as well.

But I didn't

ask any questions.

So, uh, away we

go into the woods.

This is a great day,

fantastic day.

It's a beautiful,

beautiful day.

And we got in there,

and I gotta give mike credit.

Things get tough,

but he doesn't quit.

He finds a way to get the job

done one way or another.

So we got the fire going.

I was making a hot dog,

but mike had no can opener.

I didn't have

a can opener on me,

so I said, maybe you

should go back to the car.

And so he's going

to go back to the car,

and I thought, you know,

if you're going to go

back to the car,

you might as well go in the

direction the car is.

That could probably speed

things up somewhat.

And something happened here.

Sometimes you get

into the woods,

and if there's

not a clear trail,

you end up doing

a u-turn.

You know, it's the

kind of thing that

can happen to anybody,

but I don't know how he ended

up coming in the wrong way.

So I said, mike,

you go that way,

and I'll go the way

you were supposed to go

and I'm sure it's

gonna work out fine.

So I come down

through the woods,

and like I say,

it could happen to anybody.

Next thing you know,

I come back.

I don't know if I'm ever

gonna see mike again.

But oh, yeah, there he

is eating my hot dog.

So I figure okay, we need

to add some technology

into this mystery,

so I asked him for his

ittle remote thing there,

and I figuring if I can

honk the car horn --

when you lock 'em,

the horn honks on these.

So we listened for it.

[ horn honking ]

yeah, so we just gotta

walk the way it's coming.

No, that's not gonna --

all right. All right.

All right, it's also got

the remote starter on

the back of it,

so if we start her up,

and if she's in gear at all,

she should start

driving toward us.

And that would be a --

the car should just come --

oh, I didn't see

the tree there.

All right,

all right, that's --

okay, there's going to be

some damage on your new --

oh!

There's gonna be some damage,

and I don't know what

we do now.

Oh, wait a second,

if the car hit the tree,

it means that --

well, this is a brilliant

way to find your way home.

All you kids out there,

just follow the tree

that your house

knocked... Over...

And you'll get back --

anyway, it doesn't matter.

It was as great day,

and mike's car, I'm sure,

will be covered by

somebody's insurance.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

when your septics

need cleaning

because they

smell unkempt --

it happens to everyone,

no one's exempt,

call your friends

at rothschild's.

We hold no contempt.

We'll suck out your sewage

or die in the attempt.

You know, to me the mark

of a true handyman

is to be able to see

what something does

and then use it in a

completely different

application.

For example, they have

this bubbly medicine

for stomach aches

or headaches

or dry heaves

or whatever.

See that?

Goes nuts when

it hits the water.

Kind of like a three-year-old

at at wading pool

that's power you're

looking at there.

And I'm thinking there's

gotta be a better way of

using that power.

How about making a

power canoe?

Just attach a piece of

drain pipe to the side

and run it from above the

gunnels down into the water.

Make sure you

attach it loose

so that you've got

forward and reverse.

Now you just pour the

medicine down the pipe.

It hits the water coming up

and that starts making

the power.

Now all you have to do

is direct that power

so it comes out the

bottom of the pipe.

That's what this

cork is for.

All right,

let's give her a go.

I'm just gonna pour

the medicine into the hole.

Then jam the cork in there

and hold onto the pipe.

Oh, yeah,

one more thing...

Go big or go home.

[ cheers and applause ]

well, I think I got the

financial problem solved.

See, all we really

need is $5,000.

Now, okay, none of the possum

lodge members have that

kind of cash,

but I figured, hey,

why don't we pool our money?

Or maybe a better

way to say it is,

why don't we puddle

our money?

So I figure if I get five

guys to each put up 1,000 --

that's too high.

Okay, 50,000 guys

at a dime each.

That's gonna take forever.

Then I think, okay, 50 guys

at 100 bucks a piece

and that works out to --

well, close enough.

So I got her knocked

right here.

Uncle red,

you wanted to see me?

Absolutely.

I've got great news.

I've solved

the problem.

Here's a cheque

for five grand.

Wow!

I can't accept this.

You can accept it.

It's a loan.

And take your time

paying it back.

That's what we do.

No, no, it's not

a lodge debt.

This is a personal

problem.

It's important to me

that I find a solution.

Harold, we don't like the

solution, okay?

We don't want the lodge to

change, harold, okay?

Everything in

life changes;

we need the lodge to

stay exactly the

way it is.

I understand that.

You understand it?

You borrowed two million

bucks to turn it into

the mosquito hilton.

No, no,

I canceled that loan.

Great!

Well, you use the cheque

so you can keep your job.

(softly)

thank you.

You know, in your own way,

you're saying that

you like me

and that you want

me to stay.

I said that?

And this cheque

means nothing.

That means

way more to me.

I said that?

You know what I did?

You know what I did?

You know what I did?

I'll tell you what I did.

I paid the $5,000

out of my own pocket.

So yes,

I am staying.

Well, good for you,

harold.

You know what?

Good for all of us.

Yeah, you know, I'd rather

make a lower income

if it means I'll

be able to live here.

Good for you.

Is that dumb?

I dunno, but it's

how canada was built.

[ possum squealing ]

yeah, you go ahead.

Meeting time.

I'll be right down.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

harold has abandoned his whole

plan to renovate the lodge.

That's gotta be

great news.

And he actually

paid off a debt,

and that's about

as much radical change

as we can absorb

at one time.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

you keep your

stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down, guys.

Sit down.

That's it.

Have a seat.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change

if I have to, I guess.

Okay, men, I've got

great news.

Harold has actually paid off

the debt all by himself.

So now we don't have to worry

about the bank honouring

this cheque,

even though we post dated it

ten years from now.

Closed captioning performed

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