The Strange Ranger

Ranger Gord has suddenly turned up missing from his fire watchtower, and Red and his pals are on the search.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Tricks of the Trade, Adventures With Bill, Red's Advice To Teenagers, The Experts

DVD: The Red Green Show – 1997 Season

Transcript
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, here's the man who pushes the envelope, which is actually a fishing pole that hasn't descended anywhere, your host, your hero, my uncle, Red Green!

''{Red enters the lodge, holding some rope, a flashlight and an air horn. He waves as the audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: All right! By gosh, eh? I got a group here tonight! Well, unfortunately, we got an emergency up at the lodge here this week. One of the lodge members is missing, vanished without a trace, and he's not even married. So that can only mean one thing...

HAROLD GREEN: Alien abduction?

RED GREEN: Oh, no, Harold, no, no. See, if aliens ever come here, you'll be the first one they'll grab.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Cool! {gives two thumbs-up}

RED GREEN: Aw, man. I got fear foul play going on here, because this man hasn't moved more than twenty feet in the last 18 years.

HAROLD GREEN: Not Old Man Sedgewick?

RED GREEN: No, not Old Man Sedgewick is right.

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly} MELVIN DUFFY! Melvin Duffy, right?

RED GREEN: Harold, Melvin Duffy is dead.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you didn't say why he hadn't moved.

RED GREEN: {shakes his head} It's Ranger Gord! Ranger Gord is missing from his tower! We're gonna go look for him as soon as we get the 4x4s all gassed up.

HAROLD GREEN: Everything you guys do is all gassed up. {Red stares} You should be looking for him on foot!

RED GREEN: Oh, where's the fun in that, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: You're searching for somebody; it's not supposed to be fun!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah? Then how come they call it a search party?

{Red turns to leave.}

Title sequence
{The New Red Green Show'' intro plays. Cut to a scene of Red standing amid a pile of various household objects. They are all piled on top of each other haphazardly. They then fall on the ground, clattering and crashing.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} These are...

''{Cut to a shot of Bill looking through a magnifying glass, while Red stands behind him. Bill is looking at a rock. A hot light created by the glass shines on Bill's shoe, which starts to smoke.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...all scenes from this episode of our show. We even got a special surprise for you, a kind of a secret thing going on here.

''{Cut to Red and Harold in the lodge. Standing between them is Ranger Gord, in the Lodge for the very firs time. He holds out his arms to Red and Harold and brings them closer to him.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I think you're gonna be really– Oh, my gosh! No, no, don't show them that! Don't let them– We blew it.

Plot Segment 2
''{Red enters the lodge, the front door to which has smoke and dust wafting through it. The sounds of loud engines is heard.}''

RED GREEN: {shouting over the noise} Okay, Harold, I spoke–

{Red suddenly stops and goes back over to the front door and opens it.}

RED GREEN: {making cutting motions with his hand across his throat} Hey, guys? Guys?

''{The noise dies down and Red closes the door. Red then walks back over to Harold.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, Harold, I spoke to all the guys and they're going to let you join the search party, but you can't keep yelling, "Slow down!" And if you fall off the roof-rack, we're not going back for you.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, that sounds fair. I'm in.

RED GREEN: Boy! {rubs his chin} I can't believe Ranger Gord is missing. I went up there, up to the Fire Watchtower 13, and the whole deal had fallen over! It looked like beavers had kinda gnawed on the front legs there, and the whole thing collapsed, and Ranger Gord's gone. Everything's gone: his clothes, his stamp collection, his 8-tracks, the lava lamp, even the disco belt, so this is serious!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no! Uncle Red, oh!

RED GREEN: Yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, I don't– You know– This is gonna be scary even to say, but what if – Haw! – you know, you– {Red nods} I mean, I hate to even think about it, but what if, you know, what happens if–

RED GREEN: {still nodding} Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, the worst-case scenario is that–

RED GREEN: He comes back to the lodge?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah!

RED GREEN: Don't even think about it!

HAROLD GREEN: I know!

RED GREEN: Don't even think about it!

{Red turns and leaves, Harold following.}

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, life is full of mysteries,
 * Things that bother you and me,
 * Like, how come everyone else is overpaid.
 * But the biggest mystery of mice and men
 * That comes up in conversation again and again and again
 * Is, how in the holy blazes are sausages made.
 * Well, they take a little of this and a bit of that,
 * Ground-up hooves and lots of fat,
 * Hide and hair and bone and bark and twig,
 * Veins and arteries, gristles and grit,
 * And they grind it up fine so that it will all fit
 * Crammed up into the exit ramp of a pig.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I'm hoping to talk to you older guys about self-improvement. You know these self-help gurus trying to sell you their proven method of how you can be in perfect shape, or totally happy, or the big one: have money for retirement. {shakes head} Hey, don't listen to him. They all have the same basic secret: you gotta work hard. You don't wanna hear that! If you'd have worked hard in the first place, you wouldn't be buying their tapes now. You'd be rich and people'd be buying your tapes! You don't want a sensible plan. You want a shortcut. You don't need the Seven Habits of Effective People. You need the One Quick Cheat of Lazy Goof-offs. Yeah! Oh, yeah! I'll tell you what, you don't want advice. You want a miracle. And I'm guessing you can't buy a miracle from a smiling bald guy on an infomercial. So don't let him suck you in. When he talks about having money for retirement, he means having your money for his retirement! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Red's Advice To Teenagers
''{Red emerges from a building labeled "Possum Lodge Bed & Breakfast", wearing a yellow rain slicker. He holds a sheet of plywood.}''

RED GREEN: I'm noticing that you teenage boys are kind of into the fast food, the fast cars and the fast computers, {moves a chair out of his way} whereas the girls are just into fasting. {turns around; plywood sheet is a sign reading "No Trespassing"} Speed's a big issue with you young folks. It seems the faster things go, the happier you are. {walks along} I guess you never heard the story about "The Tortoise and the Hare", eh? 'Cause, to me, {picks up a small wooden cage structure and puts it on a discarded stove} you young guys are kinda like the hare. And the older fellas are kinda like the tortoise. We don't have the hair anymore. {walks along some more} I'll tell ya, life has taught me one thing, and that's probably all it has, {moves a wheelbarrow aside} is that the faster you go, the more you miss. {walks along again} As you get older, you're gonna realize that we're all pretty much headed for a brick wall. The question is, how hard do you want to hit it? {walks into a garage} Remember, anything worth doing is worth doing slow.

Trivia

 * This is the first episode in the show in which Ranger Gord appears in some other place besides the fire watchtower.

Inside References

 * Red previously tried to get Dougie to say "Love" as part of the Word Game in Real Estate. This time, however, he wins the game.

Real-World References

 * When Red discusses seeking self-help, he mentions The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey.
 * When Red talks to teens, he mentions the fable The Tortoise and the Hare.
 * Gord mentions both Smokey the Bear and Elmer the Safety Elephant.