House Moving/Transcript

The complete transcript for House Moving

Opening Scene
{Red is standing outside next to the Possum Van, holding a can of paint.}

RED GREEN: Let's face it. Men and paint don't mix. Oh, you guys will promise to do the painting. You even go out and buy the paint. But by the time you're actually up the ladder with a brush in hand, everything settles to the bottom of the can. And same with the paint.

''{Cut to the side of the van. Red has duct-taped another can of paint to one of the wheels.}''

RED GREEN: Now, stirring paint is messy, slow, and work. So here's a handy tip: let your car be the mixer! Huh? {slaps the tire a couple of times} Just duct-tape your paint can to the center of your wheel, and then drive around, eh? I tell ya, after a couple of minutes, that baby will pour just like the day she came out of the store. Just make sure the tape is on there nice and tight.

{Cut to a wide shot of the van, which has large white paint streaks radiating outward from the rear wheel.}

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, make sure the lid is on nice and tight, too.

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's "The Red Green Show"! Ha ha ha! And now here's the man who makes it all look so easy and so cheap and so messy and so, here he is, your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: All right, by gosh. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big, big, big, big week up here at the Lodge this week. Harold, you are gonna be so proud of me!

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I would welcome that.

RED GREEN: {pauses} Yeah, actually, what we're doing is we're building a little race track up here for our four-by-fours and our riding mowers, and whatever equipment the guys can sneak home from work, y'know? Stinky Peterson has a forklift that'll do seventy clicks. But now there's this old building right where we want to put the chicane.

HAROLD GREEN: Hey, that's the original Possum Lodge! That's an excellent example of really pioneer board and batten.

RED GREEN: Yeah, now, ordinarily, we'd just flatten that with a backhoe or a wrecking ball or a Moose Thompson. But this time, we're gonna do the politically correct thing. Yeah, as a favor to the local Historical Society, we're actually gonna move the building to a safer spot. Huh? Huh?

HAROLD GREEN: {stepping closer to Red} Ohh, that is great news! That's fantastic! Would you like the name of a company that does that sort of thing? Y'know, that moves old pioneer buildings and things, because they have companies that actually do that sort of thing, y'know. They have the proper equipment and experience and– why do I even bother?

RED GREEN: Yeah, exactly. Harold, come on! You think we're gonna spend five hundred bucks to move a two-dollar building?

HAROLD GREEN: No, of course not. You're gonna spend a lot more than that if you include the medical bills.

RED GREEN: See, that's the thing, eh? You young guys try to solve all your problems by writing a check. Whereas the men of Possum Lodge, we take action with our own hands.

HAROLD GREEN: Ah. That explains the missing fingers.

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, sometimes one is enough. {walks toward the door}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game, and this week, Mr. Mike Hamar is playing for a truly fabulous prize, supplied by the Possum Lake Credit Union! Ha ha ha! The Credit Union's gonna tear up your mortgage free of charge! Repossession's never been so easy! No fees, no fuss, no house. Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds or so {Mike covers his eyes and ears} to get Mike Hamar to say this word: {holds up a sign, quietly} Beverage. Beverage.

RED GREEN: All right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {sets the sign down} Go. {Mike listens intently}

RED GREEN: Uh, Mike, when you have a beer, that's called...

MIKE HAMAR: ...breakfast?

RED GREEN: Okay, let's say you're thirsty, you go down to the 7-Eleven for something cold, that's called...

MIKE HAMAR: ...shoplifting?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, I'm saying, what would you call the drink?

MIKE HAMAR: Evidence.

RED GREEN: Um, I'm just talking about a term for a drink.

MIKE HAMAR: Whiskey!

RED GREEN: No, I mean a generic, generic word for it.

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, potato skin wine.

RED GREEN: You know what generic means, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Cheap.

RED GREEN: Okay, all right, forget the alcohol. Forget alcohol, all right? What do you call a soft drink?

MIKE HAMAR: Mix.

HAROLD GREEN: Almost out of time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah... all right, Mike, in prison, when you get a meal, it always comes with a...

MIKE HAMAR: ...hair in it. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. At least with the food, you can see what it is. But I mean, who knows what's floating around in the beverage.

RED GREEN: Ohhhh! {starts ringing the bell while Harold claps and Mike cheers}

Plot Segment 2
{Red and Harold walk back into the Lodge}

HAROLD GREEN: You can't tear that building down, it's gonna disintegrate! If you're going to move it, you have to move it all intact, in one big piece. Please, call a professional. They have the proper jacks, and they've got a vehicle with over 40 wheels on it.

RED GREEN: Oh, really? Well, guess what, Mr. Flaky-Specks-On-His-Lenses? {Harold tries to clean his glasses} We have a vehicle with 52 wheels.

HAROLD GREEN: Vehicle with 52 wheels.

RED GREEN: Yes.

HAROLD GREEN: You do not! What, no, lemme guess, you got the delivery truck from the tire company?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no, go take a look in the parking lot.

HAROLD GREEN: {walks over to the window to look outside} Fifty-two wheels. What kind of vehicle has 52 wheels on it? Ha ha ha! I don't see anything with 52 wheels on it.

RED GREEN: Do you see thirteen pickup trucks?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah– {looks again out the window, then becomes distraught} Oh, no, no! No!

RED GREEN: Come on now, Harold, what we're gonna do is jack the building up with about a hundred car jacks, get 'er up higher than the beds on the pickup trucks, then we'll back seven trucks into the front end and we'll back six trucks into the back end, and we'll drop the building right down so she sits right on the beds. And then away you go. These guys in the front just steer and the guys in the back go in reverse. So... Probably gonna have to coordinate the drivers, so...

HAROLD GREEN: Your ideas... Do they come to you in dreams?

RED GREEN: Harold, it's so simple, okay? We've got the pickups, we've got 52 wheels, and it's like a... it's like a...

HAROLD GREEN: ...like a game of 52 Pickup?

Handyman Corner
{Red is outside next to a tool shed, picking up a spool of blue clothes line and several pulleys.}

RED GREEN: Y'know, a fellow wrote me a letter complaining that we only do projects with cheap, crappy cars, and that's not fair to our affluent viewers who might have a luxury car they want to recycle. {picks up a small garbage can} But we just don't get any suggestions. {picks up a ladder} Well, let me make one thing clear: {struggles to balance the ladder on his shoulder} just because I may take a K-car and turn it into a Zamboni, or a Ford Fairlane and turn it into a lawn tractor, doesn't mean you can't do the same thing with a Bimmer or an Audi or something. Don't let my reality hinder your imagination!

''{Red walks over to an old blue Cadillac and sets the ladder and equipment down in front of it. The Handyman Corner sign is standing just behind the hood on the other side of the car.}''

RED GREEN: So this week, we're gonna do a project using this luxury vehicle, ...

''{Red reaches in the driver's-side window and touches something inside. The power antenna starts to retract.}''

RED GREEN: ...fully equipped with all the bells and whistles, right here on Handyman Corner. {the antenna catches on the sign and causes it to fall over with a crash} And what we're gonna do is we're gonna build something with this vehicle that every luxury car owner only dreams about: a backhoe. Or in this case, a front-hoe. {picks up the ladder and garbage can} All right, you'd better listen up, because I know a lot of you rich people just hire somebody when you have to do something that's either difficult or creative.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has attached the garbage can to the bottom of one side of the ladder with duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now what we need to do is to remove the cross-piece thingy, the do-hickey, {points to the crossbeam keeping the two halves of the ladder together} the thing there that stops the ladder from doing the splits. {picks up a sledgehammer from the nearby tool bench} Now you could take the rivets out of there, but, hey, to affluent people, time is money.

''{Red swings at the crossbeams one at a time. He misses on his first swing, knocks out the first crossbeam on his second swing, misses on the third, and knocks out the other beam on the fourth.}''

RED GREEN: All right, there we go. {swings his arms} Now those legs are free to open right up, close, whatever– We need a way, though, to keep them open. And in my experience, there's only two things that keep legs open: Childbirth, and a Thighmaster. You rich guys may know of another thing. But I'm going with the Thighmaster. {reaches down and picks up a Thighmaster, then starts climbing the ladder.}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red finishes attaching the Thighmaster to the top-inside part of the ladder. He has also attached the free bottom end of the ladder to the front of the car, all with duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: All right, that's our basic whole unit put together there. And I've attached her to the front bumper here. Now comes the fun part. {gets off the ladder} Okay, we need this thing to move in three ways, basically. First of all, {reaches up and grabs the ladder with both hands, lifting the scoop end off the ground} we need this section to move so that the scoop can go right up and over the dirt. Next, we need the ladder itself {compresses the ladder together against the Thighmaster} to squeeze together against the Thighmaster so the scoop can actually pick up the dirt. And lastly, {moves over and manipulates the garbage can scoop} we need the scoop itself to pivot and load and unload the dirt. All right, now to do that, {walks back to the car, indicates the clothes lines and pulleys on the hood} I'm going to use these clothes line bits and clothes line pulleys. I got these free from a neighbor who now has to buy a dryer. All right, I'm gonna hook all this up, and then we'll get to that fun part I spoke of earlier. {climbs on top of the car}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has attached a pulley to the top of the car and is attaching a second one next to the first. He attaches another pulley to the top of the ladder, then begins running clothes line between the ladder and the top of the car. As he pulls on the line, it pulls the garbage can upside-down. Wipe to a later scene. Red is now standing in the car's open sunroof. The ladder-can assembly is complete.}''

RED GREEN: Now you find out why we had to use a luxury car, because many of the high-end power-operated options are actually gonna be used to run our backhoe. For example, the height and the drag of our unit are gonna be run by these cables {indicates two lines going out to the sides of the car} which are attached to our power windows. And the angle of the bucket is controlled by our power sunroof. Here, lemme show you.

{Red lowers himself into the car, then starts it and begins driving.}

RED GREEN: All right, let's say you've gotta get a pile of dirt off the front lawn because your in-laws are coming over, and they always steal your dirt. {drives up to a pile of dirt} All right, now we just wanna lower down the height with the height control, or in this case, the driver's window. {raises the driver's window, causing the ladder to lower down onto the dirt} Okay, now we just gotta drop the bucket there using our sunroof controls. {opens the sunroof, and the bucket falls onto the dirt} And we just pull in the drag control with the passenger window, and we just raise 'er up. {lowers the passenger window, causing the bucket to move toward the car, scooping a small amount of dirt} And then we can take 'er over where we wanna dump 'er. {backs away from the pile, then drives in a different direction} Is that luxury or what? So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh, yeah, we gotta dump the dirt, too. {closes the sunroof} What we've got here is the Cadillac of backhoes. {the dirt dumps out of the bucket} No, actually, it's the backhoe of Cadillacs. {the bucket lowers toward the ground}

Midlife
RED GREEN: You know, getting older has its upsides, and I don't just mean the senior discount on the laxatives. For example, old codgers can say anything they want to anybody, huh? They can tell the truth to a person right to their face, and that person will smile and pat him on the back and congratulate him for being spunky and full of lies. See, when you reach your golden years, you can stop lying. Now you, you spend your whole life putting a good spin on things, eh? Because you want people to cut you some slack. So you lie. First to your parents, then to your wife, then to your kids. And they kinda got used to it, huh? Your parents didn't really want to know what you were doing to all hours of the night. Your wife doesn't want to know how slimming that dress really is. And your kids don't want to hear how much money is really in their college fund. So you just be patient, just hang on for a few years, and then you can start telling the truth. People will think you're charming or amusing, or maybe they'll just blame the medication. Now, when actually you start being honest, well, that's your decision. By the way, you look great. Have you lost weight? {camera cuts to a different angle and slowly zooms out} Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
''{Harold is standing in the Lodge. Red walks in holding a jack.}''

RED GREEN: Well, we did it! We got that building all jacked up, yes, sir! {laughs} Yep, we got 'er totally jacked up, and it was rough, too, because the one corner was awful spongy there, and the jack didn't even catch until it bit into the eavestrough, for gosh sake. We also got the building sitting right down on the trucks there, seven trucks in the front end, six trucks in the back, and Old Man Sedgewick brought his Gremlin in right in the middle of the unit there. Well, y'know, it was a Gremlin, now it's more of a dolly at this point. But she's all loaded on there, and she's balanced, so, c'mon, Harold! Let's get that baby into town!

HAROLD GREEN: {incredulously} Me? I'm not going! I'm not driving no truck for that! Forget me! Nooo! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No way, Jos&eacute;! Nuh-uh!

RED GREEN: Harold, Harold, we don't need drivers, okay? We need someone to be in charge, okay? Someone to supervise, y'know, to yell out directions, y'know? Forward, backward, right, left, and so on, okay? We need a coordinator. We need you to supervise, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Ahh, oh! {puts down his audio switcher} Suppose it wouldn't hurt to have somebody involved with brains, would it? {grins smugly, then looks at Red skeptically} Hey, wait a minute, you don't mind me running the show, Uncle Red? Because usually you reserve these pushy management jobs for yourself.

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, y'know, I just don't like the heights. That's all.

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses nervously} Heights?

RED GREEN: {starts directing Harold toward the door} Yeah, well, uh, it's only a one-story building, but sitting up there straddling the peak, hanging onto the chimney, that's a job for a younger man.

''{Red puts his arm around Harold's shoulder and guides him toward the door. Harold looks back nervously.}''

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
{Red walks out from behind the stairs in the Lodge basement holding a roll of duct tape.}

RED GREEN: This is the repair portion of the show which we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying". {walks over to a table where Edgar is standing with a broken umbrella} Joining me today is Edgar K.B. Montrose. Edgar is the only dynamite expert in the Possum Lake area, the only one living, anyway.

EDGAR MONTROSE: No, sir, Red, they certainly don't.

RED GREEN: If you call that living. {chuckles} So, what have you got today, Edgar?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, a very loud ringing in my head. {holds his hand up and pauses for a moment} Kinda like that, only louder.

RED GREEN: Yeah. {picks up the umbrella and looks at it} All right, I guess the umbrella's what you want me to fix here, huh? Oh, that's totaled, Edgar. But what I could do maybe is fix the holes in your hat.

EDGAR MONTROSE: I'm hot?

RED GREEN: Your hat, Edgar. {takes Edgar's hat} You can fix holes in clothing, by the way. If you're not doing needle and thread, you can use the fashion designer's secret weapon, duct tape on that. {starts applying duct tape to the hat} What happened to the umbrella?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh! Uh, the umbrella got wrecked when I pulled Flinty McClintock's tractor out of the mud. Apparently, he thought I had a truck with a winch. But... I don't have a truck with a winch. I have dynamite! So I blew her up outta there. You know, Red, these new tractors they're building nowadays, they're very brittle.

RED GREEN: {puts the duct tape down} All right, Edgar, I've had a bit of a rethink here. I'm not gonna plug up the holes in your hat. {puts the hat back on Edgar's head} I think your brain needs all the air it can get.

Plot Segment 4
''{Red and Harold walk into the Lodge. Harold's shirt hangs loose and his pants are shredded down by the ankles. He walks very stiffly and bow-legged.}''

RED GREEN: {watching Harold} What's wrong with you?

HAROLD GREEN: Shingles.

RED GREEN: Well, the good news is, that old building is out of the way forever.

HAROLD GREEN: Beautiful, old, pioneer log cabin. {makes an exploding motion with his arms} I thought you guys were gonna save history, not make it! I can't believe you didn't call the phone company! When you move a building down the street, where it has telephone lines on both sides, you gotta call the phone company! Because what they do is they take down the phone lines, and once you're past, they put the lines back up.

RED GREEN: Well, we did half their job for them, then, didn't we?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I'm glad I had that chimney to hold on to, at least. I got, like, telephone line burns all over my thighs. Oh, that's another thing, too. Yeah, you gotta phone the power company! What about the power lines?

RED GREEN: Well, no, that was bad.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, that was bad! That was real bad! I mean, what'd you– I suggested that you pre-measure all the bridges on your route to make sure they're all wide enough.

RED GREEN: Yeah, especially that covered bridge.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, that poor old covered bridge. Covered bridge that the Historical Society worked so hard to preserve. {agitated} Well, it's not a covered bridge anymore, is it? Oh, just a bridge now! Bridge surrounded by lumber! You should have pre-measured! Or at least slowed down.

RED GREEN: Yeah. Oh, come on, Harold, we couldn't slow down, because once the power lines set the cabin on fire, we had to pretty much haul it. That's what I'm saying. And the irony there is that we couldn't call in an emergency because the phone lines were down, so we actually had to– we had to drive the fire to the fire station.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, poor old fire station. Fire station that the Historical Society worked so hard to preserve! Fire station stood there for a hundred years taking everything Mother Nature threw at it. Of course, that's not including, you know, a flaming log cabin coming at twice the speed limit!

RED GREEN: I know, I know. But, y'know, in fairness, for a fire station, it was pretty darned flammable. And you know, you know, full marks to Buzz Sherwood, who realized that the fire trucks were actually trapped inside the burning station. So what he did was he filled up his water bomber plane, and he dropped water right onto the fire.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, well, he tried.

RED GREEN: He tried, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: He got the Baptist church. Poor old Baptist church! The one the Historical Society tried so hard to preserve!

RED GREEN: Yeah, that church didn't have a prayer.

HAROLD GREEN: {agitated} Did you learn anything? Any– any little thing? Did you learn anything from all of this?!

RED GREEN: Well, I did, Harold. I think I learned what "ironic" means. Y'know, I never really got it before, but I think I'm there now.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: The Squeal of the Possum. It's meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. I'll be, I'll be down in a...

{Harold turns around for the door with a grunt.}

RED GREEN: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! {reaches for Harold's side and rips a roof shingle off his pants}

HAROLD GREEN: What? What's that, what?

RED GREEN: {hands Harold the shingle} A little bit of history. Away you go. {Harold staggers toward the stairs} Easy, easy! {pauses, then to the camera} Well, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I know I was supposed to call, but boy, I got a dandy excuse! {to the audience} And to the rest of ya, on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. {waves and walks for the stairs}

''{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Red walks up next to Harold.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Everybody sit down! {Red reaches his seat} All right, all rise.

{The men stand up and cross their arms over their chests.}

EVERYBODY: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone but Harold sits down}

HAROLD GREEN: Just a quick announcement from the Historical Society. Due to the fact of all the recent losses to the historical buildings in the area, {glances at Red} seems the Historical Society will be no longer declaring buildings as historical sites. They'll just be labeling them targets as opposed to buildings.