The Petting Zoo

When the area becomes overrun by animals, Red and his pals try to solve the problem with another hare-brained idea: a petting zoo.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Handyman Corner, Red's Advice To Teenagers, Auto Biography, Adventures With Bill, Red's Poetry, The Experts

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 6

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: Sometimes, when you're working with a smaller budget, you have to just go ahead and do something the only way you know how, not the right way. And in the Handyman Corner in this episode, we put skylights into a van, using old aquariums. I mean, the way to do that properly in this scene would be to use {holds up his hands and shapes them like a window} special glass, handy glass, or whatever they call it, that breaks and nobody gets hurt. We couldn't afford handy glass. Luckily, nobody got hurt, and believe me, it was all luck.

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"The Petting Zoo" appears} And now, here's the man who put the "down" in "down-home" and "town" in "downtown", your hero, my uncle, Red Green! {giggles}

{Red enter the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you. {Harold howls} By golly, thank you very much. Lot of excitement up at the Lodge this week. Junior Singleton found a nest of raccoons under his porch. Stinky Peterson's got a bunch of skunks up in his attic. Been there two or three years, probably. And it looks like Old Man Sedgewick's got a mess of weasels in his bed.

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, weasels in his bed?

RED GREEN: No, but it looks like it. I'm thinking two words: {holds up two fingers} "laundry day", there. Now, you know, to a lot of people, animal infestation is a problem. But to Lodge members, it's an opportunity. {grins}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Yeah, yeah, an opportunity to go hunting out of season!

RED GREEN: No, Harold. Does the term "petting zoo" ring a bell?

HAROLD GREEN: No, but it does sound an alarm.

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red, Harold and Hap all sitting around a table. Hap has his feet on the table. Harold tries to show Red and Hap a letter.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} What you're looking at here is a bunch of segments from this particular show.

{Cut to a shot of Red sticking his head up through an aquarium, glued to the top of a van for a skylight.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} The main message being, "For gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel."

{Cut to a shot of the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress; Buzz is the contestant, and the word is "Breakfast".}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell ya something, if you're gonna try and make sense outta this program,

''{Cut to a shot of a car in the Lodge driving up close to the camera. Dalton is driving the car. Red is seated beside him and Harold is in the back.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...you gotta give it your undivided attention.

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the Lodge, holding a hammer, while Harold tunes his switcher.}

RED GREEN: Well, in about twenty minutes, the Possum Lodge petting zoo will be open for petting. The guys are putting the finishing touches on the animal pen. Buster Hadfield found a bunch of fence just standing in the middle of a field. It's amazing what people leave lying around their property. {grins}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, Uncle Red, y'know, maybe it's just me, maybe it's just me, y'know, but I don't think that raccoons, weasels and skunks are the best choice for a petting zoo. What if somebody gets bitten or sprayed?

RED GREEN: Doesn't matter, Harold, they pay in advance.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay! Okay, well, you remember, when the first accident happens and you get your first lawsuit, you remember it was me who said, "Accidents happen."

RED GREEN: I bet your parents taught you that one, didn't they, Harold? Nobody warned them, did they, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Well, I'll have you know my parents are very fond of me.

RED GREEN: Well, I'm sure they are, Harold, and that's exactly the human instinct we're tapping into with our petting zoo.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, nobody gets to pet me.

RED GREEN: Well, you just haven't met the right woman, Harold. {Harold laughs} Or the right species. {Harold stops laughing and looks shocked}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, hats off to my science teachers.
 * They were absolutely right, after all,
 * 'Cause I just threw a fridge off my roof,
 * And cold air definitely falls.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Today's grand prize is supplied by the Longshot family restaurant: potatoes, vegetables and a leg of fish! {walks over to the card table where Red and Buzz sit} Remember, if it's a good meal, it's a long shot! Okay. Uncle Red, you have 30 seconds to get Buzz Sherwood to say this word... {looking at Buzz} Buzz? {Buzz puts on a pair of headphones} Okie-dokie. The word is... {holds up word sign} "Breakfast". {sets sign down on table, steps back} And go!

RED GREEN: Alright, Buzz. {Buzz removes his headphones} Okay, the first meal of the day is...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: ...lunch!

RED GREEN: No, y'know, I'm talking about, like, when you get up in the morning, y'know–

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Uh, I don't get up in the morning.

RED GREEN: Alright, well, when you get up, y'know, the first thing you eat is...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: ...chip 'n' dip!

RED GREEN: I'm talking bacon and eggs!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Folk singers!

RED GREEN: Folk singers?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yeah, I was in a duet with a girl. We called ourselves "Bacon and Eggs". I was Bacon and she was Eggs. {leans in close} Over easy! {laughs; Red shakes his head}

HAROLD GREEN: Time's almost up, time's almost up!

RED GREEN: Alright, alright, alright, Buzz, on your birthday, your girlfriend brings you something in bed.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {leans in close, surprised} You want me to say that?

RED GREEN: No, no! No, no, okay, alright, alright, alright. Um... {snaps his fingers repeatedly} Um... Um... Think movies! "Something At Tiffany's"...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Drug bust! Yeah, it was a grade-ten graduation, right? We had this great party; we went all night long, and then we said, "Hey, let's sit down and have some breakfast." Then the cops came in–

{Red rings the bell rapidly to end the game.}

HAROLD GREEN: Whoa!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh!

Handyman Corner
{Red walks along outside the Lodge, past a white van with the "Handyman Corner" sign hanging from it.}

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you how to put a skylight in your van. It's gonna beautify the thing, it's gonna increase the value, and make it a lot more fun to drive. {walks up to a worktable covered in various tools} Heck, it's such a great idea, I'm almost tempted to try it on my own van. But who am I kidding? Let's get the bugs out first by doing it on Buster Hadfield's van. {looks at worktable} Okay, you're gonna need a variety of tools here and a pane... {sees a few shattered pieces of pane glass on the table; disappointed} ...of glass. {walks off} Need another pane, Harold!

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is back at the table. He holds up a long power saw. A big window pane lies on the table.}

RED GREEN: Okay, we got our tools and we got our glass. Let's get to work.

''{Red takes the power saw and starts to walk off, but its cord catches on the glass and knocks it on the ground. It shatters. Frustrated, Red puts the tool back on the table and walks off.}''

RED GREEN: Need another pane, Harold.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red holds up a storm window.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, got myself a storm window here. This'll do just fine. What we gotta do is get the putty outta there to get the– {suddenly, two hands reach into frame and pull the window away} Aw, c'mon, Junior! Winter's five months away! {wipes his hands together} Alright, well, we won't worry about the glass right now. We'll punch a hole for our skylight.

''{Red walks off. Wipe to a later scene. Red is now on top of the white van, in the vicinity of the driver's seat area. He has the saw with him.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, I would put the skylight right here over the driver's seat, and of course, before we can use the saw, we're gonna need a pilot hole. {takes a Black Magic Marker and makes a mark on the roof} I would... say put 'er right about there.

''{Red puts the marker down and then stands up on the roof. He picks up a pickax, also on the roof with him, and swings down on the mark on the roof. But he misses the mark and instead punctures another part of the roof with the pick. He removes the pick from the roof.}''

RED GREEN: {looking at newly-made hole} Or there.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is cutting a hole in the roof of the van for the skylight with the saw he has with him. He stops sawing and looks up.}''

RED GREEN: Just double-checking to make sure I'm working on the right van. {looks behind him; sees Possum Van several feet behind van} Yep, it's not mine.

''{Red resumes sawing. Wipe to a later scene. The hole has been completely cut out. Red now has a caulking gun and uses it to run some caulk around the hole.}''

RED GREEN: Alright, there's the hole for our skylight. I'm just laying in a bead of caulking there. You don't want rain dripping down the back of your neck.

''{Red stops laying on the caulk and looks down into the hole, still holding the caulking gun. A few drops of caulk drip off the gun and onto the driver's seat below.}''

RED GREEN: 'Course, guess it won't bother you so much if you first had caulking dripping down the back of your neck. Alright, let's get the glass!

{Red moves over to the edge of the van roof with his legs dangling over the end.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, the difference between a handyman and a hobbyist is the – {pushes himself off edge and falls} Whoa! {lands on the ground} – the ability to take someone's hobby and turn it into something handy. {walks over to worktable, which now has an empty aquarium on it} The handy thing is a van skylight. The hobby thing is an aquarium. So find yourself an empty aquarium. Or empty yourself a found aquarium.

''{Red picks up the aquarium. Wipe to a later scene. Red is back on the van roof, with the aquarium. He places it on top of the hole with the caulking around it.}''

RED GREEN: And you know these aquariums come in a bunch of different sizes, so if you got a real fat head, you might want to step up to a 45 gallon.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red falls off the van again and gets up.}''

RED GREEN: And there you have it! Sure, the inside of the van might smell a little fishy, but... it just goes with the upholstery. {climbs into van's driver seat} And the beauty of having a unit like this is, y'know, if you... {stands up in seat so his head is inside aquarium skylight} if you get lost or something, you can just pop right up here and you can look around, or... when you go to the drive-in, you're gonna be up above everybody else. Balcony seating! {gets back down and walks through van} And you know how you always have the kids in the back saying, "Geeze, are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

''{Red makes his way to the back seat of the van, where a second aquarium skylight is duct-taped to the side. Red sticks his head through it.}''

RED GREEN: Well, heck, why not put in a skylight for him, too? Then he can see for himself if he's there yet.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red climbs into the van.}''

RED GREEN: Can't wait to show this to Buster! {laughs; closes door and starts motor} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{Red puts the van into reverse. The van backs up. But the Possum Van is now positioned directly next to the van, way too closely. As the van passes by the Possum Van backwards, the side skylight gets smashed by it. Red stops the van suddenly and looks at his own van, then at the camera with a look of indifference.}''

Commercial bumper
{Bill is cracking several eggs, which contain pantyhose, and dumping them out on a frying pan held by Red.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we got a lot more of it.

Red's Advice To Teenagers
{Red is dressed in a yellow rain slicker and feels around a pile of junk outside the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: {peeking through junk} You know, I want to talk to you kids about something I was thinking about the other day. You know how you're always gettin' your parents to get you this or get you that or buy ya something, pay for a broken window, put up bail, that kind of thing? {walks around to side of pile} You know, that money that you're getting them to spend is not really theirs. It's yours. Or at least it will be one day. It's a little word, it's called inheritance. {grabs a dryer hose} You know that word? That means that someday, when your parents are gone, you're gonna get everything they got: the house, the car, the money. {pulls down hose; wipes hands together} Now, here's the way it works. There's another little phrase. It's called "compounded annually", see? And the way that works is, the bank actually pays your parents not to spend their money. So think about that one. Huh? That way, the money can just sit there and kinda grow and build and everything. How old are your parents? I'm guessing they're old, eh? Forty-five, 50? See, that's old. {walks away from junk pile} So what I'm suggesting is, you kinda pick up the slack now, pay for some things yourself, and let that thing grow and grow and grow, and then, when your parents are gone, you're gonna be up to your neck in cash. {starts walking off, passing by a shed} And then next time, maybe I'll talk to you about a magic piece of paper that explains why you should be nice to your parents. It's called a will.

Plot Segment 3
''{Harold tunes his switcher as Red enters the Lodge, his right hand completely wrapped in heavy bandages. He walks unevenly, panting as he walks.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {amused} So, Uncle Red, how's the petting zoo going?

RED GREEN: Good, fine. We learned a lot.

HAROLD GREEN: What sort of things, for example? Because you're never too old to learn, obviously. {Red stares} And what was today's lesson in the twilight years of your productive era?

RED GREEN: {turns back to camera} Alright, well, first of all, let's recognize how difficult it is to be an entrepreneur when you've got things to deal with like an informed consumer, a truckload of regulations and wild animals with attitude.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red} Uncle Red, y'know, really, you should have that hand looked at, 'cause wild animal bites, they can lead to all sorts of complications.

RED GREEN: {looks at his bandaged hand} No, it's not a bite, Harold, I slammed it into the van. I was being chased by one of the animals.

HAROLD GREEN: I saw that, I did! It was a squirrel, was it not? A little tiny one? {softly} Just a baby?

RED GREEN: It had a lot of spunk, Harold. I was afraid it was gonna grab part of my anatomy and bury it for the winter.

HAROLD GREEN: {shaking his head} I warned you, I warned you, I warned you, but you guys never take me seriously.

RED GREEN: No, we don't, Harold. It's saving your life. {back to camera} Anyway, we had a rethink on this. We let all the animals go since they'd escaped through the hole in the fence. So now we got a whole new strategy: the world's first drive-thru petting zoo.

HAROLD GREEN: {stammering} Dri– Drive– Drive-thru?

RED GREEN: Absolutely. We set up a row of mailboxes, got a dog in each one... {Harold nods} You drive up, you flip the lid up, you rub it... {makes motions with his left hand of opening a mailbox lid and making a rubbing motion for several seconds, mumbling as he does so} Just like that.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh. And– And you– And you believe this is gonna be a huge success?

RED GREEN: Well, it'll give the mailman an interesting day!

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! {plays his switcher to trigger the next scene}

Auto Biography
''{A car is seen driving through a garage in the Lodge, with Dalton in the driver's seat, Red seated beside him and Harold seated in the back seat. Dalton drives up close to the camera, turning the steering wheel several times. Red ducks down as it drives up real close, pulling his hat over his head. Dalton stops the car, but not before it bumps into the camera. Dalton cringes and Red rubs his nose.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, lord! {wipes brow}

RED GREEN: Alright, uh, we're fine now. {to camera} Welcome to "Auto Biography", where Possum Lodge get to talk about a very significant automobile in their life. And Dalton Humphrey is here. Dalton's gonna talk about his very first car. {to Dalton} Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah, it was a Chevy 2, Red.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy.

HAROLD GREEN: Excellent.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Blue...

RED GREEN: Oh, boy.

DALTON HUMPHREY: The– The new blue that Smarties come in.

RED GREEN: Oh, fantastic.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, and boy, that car was loaded. It had the AM radio, the heater and the spare tire. Whoa-ho, man! Still smell that leatherette dashboard. {Red nods} Yeah, that was before, you know, they had the airbags, Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, sure.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, when you hit something, {suddenly slaps hand against steering wheel} BANG! Your head would hit that dashboard like a melon! Whoa!

RED GREEN: Yeah?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {crossing arms} Yeah.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. Dad got that car used, you know.

RED GREEN: Oh, he did?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah, and then when he got the new used car, the Strato Chief, he let me have the Chevy 2. Got it at a good price.

RED GREEN: That's excellent.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah.

RED GREEN: Yeah. You know, that's must've charged you too much on that. So, you're an antique dealer. I guess you would say the car was previously enjoyed, then. Is that what you're saying?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no.

RED GREEN: No?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no.

RED GREEN: No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, that, uh, that car was used.

RED GREEN: Oh, I see. {nods}

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, Dad didn't believe in enjoying anything.

RED GREEN: Alright.

DALTON HUMPHREY: He figured, if you enjoyed it, that it would probably have a better chance of getting damaged or worn out and that'd decrease its resale value.

RED GREEN: Oh, I see.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You see? Yeah. Dad would... {suddenly laughs; amused} Dad would sell anything.

RED GREEN: Really?

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know... Oh, it was fun, you know?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: We would come home from school and the fridge would be gone. Or the– Or the couch or our clothes or... my toys would be all gone. {laughs}

RED GREEN: Oh, boy, he sold your clothes?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah! Sure!

HAROLD GREEN: He sold your toys?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, well, you know, it was a good way of teaching kids to look after stuff, because, you know, Dad'd sell the shirt off your back.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sure, yeah, you know, and, uh, taught me that things are just things.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: If you get too attached to them, by gosh, y'know, you'd be crying your entire childhood, wouldn't ya? {laughs}

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, well, that's a good take you're taking on that.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know what? It taught me not to be materialistic.

RED GREEN: Alright.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Not to get attached to furniture or, y'know, books and family photographs... Things just aren't that important, Red.

RED GREEN: Oh, that's right.

HAROLD GREEN: Absolutely. Life lesson right there.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know what? It's the money you make selling things that's important. {nods}

Commercial bumper: Fan contributions
{A teddy bear dressed like Red Green, complete with beard, is displayed.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Special thanks to a lady in Madison, Wisconsin, who sent us this Red Green teddy bear.

Red's Poetry
{Red sits by a stream on a tree stump as he reads from a piece of paper.}

RED GREEN: A poem by T.S. Eliot and R.S. Green:


 * Let us go then, you and I,
 * When the evening is spread out against the sky
 * Like a patient etherized upon a table;
 * Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
 * Because, my friend, life is short,
 * And how many times do you get the chance to drive a snowmobile through a mall?

The Experts
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, it's that time of the show where we examine the three little words that men find so hard to say... {turns to the audience}

HAROLD GREEN, AUDIENCE: {in unison} I DON'T KNOW!

{Harold is revealed to be seated at a table with Red and Hap Shaughnessy.}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Excellent! Okay... Oh, this week, joining us on the Expert part of the show is my Uncle Red and, of course, his best friend, Mr. Hap Shaughnessy. {the audience applauds} Alright. {picks up letter} Today's letter goes as follows: "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Hap} Haw! "–My husband is a nice enough guy in his own way. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be in anyone else's way. Now he's just in the way. When I look at my children, I wonder, how much of a person's appearance, personality and destiny is inherited in their genes?" {looks up}

RED GREEN: None.

HAROLD GREEN: No, none whatsoever. It's a myth.

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: It's a myth, is what it is.

RED GREEN: No, no.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, sure, you can– you can inherit your appearance, but not your destiny. If that can be inherited, why aren't I the king of Russia?

HAROLD GREEN: Absolutely. {shows Hap the letter} I mean, this letter is not written by your wife, is it, Mr. Shaughnessy?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {dismissively} No! You're talking about inheriting my family business as tsar of Russia. C'mon, Red! You've met my mother.

RED GREEN: Yeah, I met her once. She was running a chip wagon in Port Asbestos.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Before that, she was... sole surviving daughter of the Romanov family! Her name was Ann. Ann, short for Anastasia.

HAROLD GREEN: {excited} Oh, oh! We learned this in school! Oh, yeah, yeah! When the Russians came in, y'know, the– the– the Communists, they just took over and they killed the Russian family. The royal family and everything, and they said maybe there's even one daughter still surviving.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: That's right. Tsar Nicholas, or as I used to call him, Grandpa Nick, he hid my mom... in a large Faberge egg. And, uh, a good member– a good member of the family, a good friend of the family, Rasputin, he mailed– he mailed her to France. Eh? And she was brought up in Paris. She even had a short fling with Ernest Hemingway.

HAROLD GREEN: The writer Ernest Hemingway?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {nods} So, pregnant with me, she immigrated to Canada, and she started up a chip wagon in Port Asbestos. {Red looks uncertain} And then she died. She couldn't stand to have Russian dressing on her salad. Brought back too many– too many painful memories.

RED GREEN: Your mother tell you that story, did she, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, every word of it.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, there you are, Harold. Some personality traits are inherited.

Real-World References

 * At one point during the Word Game, Red unsuccessfully tries to get Buzz to say the word in the game by mentioning the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's.
 * Red's poem spoofs "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot.
 * Near the end, Red mentions the title character in the novel Black Beauty.

Famous People

 * Hap claims that his mother is the Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia, his grandfather (and Anastasia's father) is Tsar Nicholas II, and that Rasputin was a good friend of the family.
 * While in France, Anastasia supposedly had a fling with writer Ernest Hemingway.