The Folk Art Convention/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Bernice thought

it would be nice

to have a concrete bench

somewhere in our yard.

Not here, you know,

but somewhere.

So now she's decided she

wants it on the other

side of the house.

That's where

the sun is.

I'm not quite sure how

sunlight affects concrete.

Maybe if we water it,

it'll grow into a building.

So now my challenge

is to find a way to move it

without spending money or

straining everything

I care about.

Now, I could ask

my friends to help,

but they're going

to want a payback someday.

So instead I'm just going

to use my extension ladder

and this power rv jack.

These things go up and down

at a moment's notice.

Those were the

good ol' days.

I mounted the control

for the power jack inside

so I can raise and lower

the back end of the car,

kind of a high-jacking.

I attached my extension

ladder to the top of the car

with the adjusting rope

hanging down through

the sunroof.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've been called

to the bench.

[ applause ]

[ audience cheering ]

okay.

Easy now.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate it.

Big, big, big week

up at the lodge this week.

They're having

a folk art convention

down at the

community centre.

See this?

This is called folk art.

Actually, this is

a chunk of wood

that fell out of a

tree into a lake somewhere,

got bashed around by the waves

and got washed up on shore.

It was picked up by some

old hippy on his way home

from a joan baez concert.

He throws 29 cents worth

of urethane on it,

sells it at the

flea market for $79.95.

So I'm thinking,

hey, this is a rip-off,

and we're not in on it!

Uncle red!

I found

this in my bed

and now my bed is all

soaking wet.

Oh, sure, blame it

on the driftwood.

Come on, my room stinks

now like the bilge

in stinky

peterson's boat.

Oh, sure, blame it

on the driftwood.

That's art, harold.

This is not art.

I know art.

I got a b+ is art.

This is not art.

This is a piece

of grungy firewood.

And judging by

it's oily coating,

I'd judge it's out

of possum lake.

Yes, all right,

fine.

But once we dry out

and varnish it, harold,

it's going to be worth

a small fortune

at the

folk art convention.

Well, I agree with

the small part.

See this, harold?

People pay real money

for crap like this.

Yeah, well that's a

nice piece of driftwood.

This is a chunk

off of somebody's dock.

You know, harold,

if everybody

had your attitude

there'd by

no singing fish,

no black

velvet paintings,

no "I'm with stupid"

t-shirts.

Is that the kind of world

you want to live in?

Oh, yes.

Just take the driftwood

to your room and let

it dry, will you?

What is the problem

with you?

You know, I'm not putting

it back in my room.

I'm just going to leave it

right here in the stove.

Possum lake water

doesn't dry very easily.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner receives

a one-year,

unlimited movie

movie rental pass

from vern's video castle.

Some conditions apply...

"winner must be over 18.

"rentals are for

two hours only.

"no weekend or

holiday rentals.

"excludes new releases,

recent releases

"or anything

with michael caine."

all right, ed,

cover your ears.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get ed frid to say

this word...

All right, winston.

And go!

Okay, ed,

if your tv reception

is real bad,

you can't see what's

going on, it's...

'cause I don't pay

for the dirty movies.

Okay, no, um.

Say you don't shave

for a couple of days,

then you look...

Incredibly macho.

No.

All right, take

a look at my beard.

You would say

it's a little...

Gay?

Uh...

All right, no.

No.

Okay, you have a kitten.

A kitten

is warm and...

Dangerous.

No, I'm talking about any

animal with soft fur is...

Dangerous.

Ed, not all animals

are dangerous.

Sure, red.

What about

a chipmunk?

Almost out of

time here, red.

Okay, okay, I know.

Something "wuzzy"

was a bear, okay?

Come on, it was

a nursery rhyme.

I can't remember

that far back.

Ever since the raccoon in

the sleeping bag incident,

you know, my memories

of childhood have been

pretty fuzzy.

There we go!

Where has

all the fun gone?

Where has

all the joy gone?

♪ where have all

the flowers gone? ♪

I don't know.

What I know is that

all the hobbies have gone

to harold's hobby house,

where we examine the man

behind the hobby.

In tonight's case,

the man below the hobby --

would you mind

standing up, glen?

It never ends with you,

does it, harold?

Today's guest

is mr. Glen braxton,

of the braxton marina,

which -- well, that is

when it's open of course,

which I believe is every

third Tuesday of the month

without a full moon.

That's correct.

Today, I'd like glen

to explain the connection

between his inner soul

and his hobby.

Glen.

It's a slot car set,

harold.

Interesting...

But what does a

slot car set say to you?

Well, I don't know, I can't

hear it over that shirt.

I'm just trying

to prove a point

that there's a connection,

a correlation

between a man

and his hobby,

a reflection,

sort of.

Well, not

this hobby, no.

It's an old slot car set

I got when I was a kid.

It goes around and

around in circles,

and it's old

and it's slow

and the circuits

are burned out.

I mean, it's nothing

like me at all.

Of course not, no.

I'm just saying that,

you know, well,

maybe you could just

tell us a bit about

the cars.

Maybe their make

and their model.

Okay, well, that's

referred to as

the green one.

That'd be the yellow one,

that one there.

And specifically what

is it that you like

about slot cars?

Oh, well, actually,

I control them both

so, you know,

I never lose,

which is good.

And I like that electrical

smell that you can smell.

Yeah, yeah.

And I like that you

don't have to steer them.

You just let 'em go.

Just let 'em go.

That's it.

That's it.

That's it.

The letting go.

What?

Yeah, you like to let

things go, your person.

I don't have a person,

I have a bouvier.

I let her go wherever

it wants, actually.

I have proven

my point.

What?

A man in a rut.

A car in a slot.

A lifetime of

letting things go.

A psychological connection

between a man and his hobby.

Thank you, glen.

So we're done then?

I'm letting you go.

Okay.

[ applause ]

you know, there's a lot

of talk these days

about gas mileage

and engine efficiency

and all that crap.

If you ask me,

the best way to save gas

on a trip is to not go.

But of course,

if you're married,

you have to go.

So what you need is a way

to make trips fun.

Rather than focus

on miles per gallon,

think about

gallons per hour.

'cause to me, burning a lot

of gas for a few minutes

has got to be the same

as burning a little bit

of gas for a whole hour.

Now, this is

a carburetor.

It controls how much gas

goes into the engine.

We're going to increase

the capacity a little

on this unit.

Okay, when you look

inside a carburetor,

you'll see an

open area here

where the gas and air mix

and there's the reservoir

which is a small tank

with a float in it

that opens a valve

and lets the gas flow.

Does that remind

you of something?

The toilet drain's a

little large for the

intake manifold,

but these toilet gaskets

are pretty flexible.

Made out of beeswax.

They're really easy

to work with...

If you're a bee.

I had to increase the

size of the gas line

to my new porcelain

carburetor.

So I went with

3/4" copper.

My wife always says,

go with the flow.

I will.

Now, to control

the whole unit,

I ran a piece of wire

from the flush handle

down through the firewall,

hooked it onto the top edge

of my gas pedal.

So if you find

she's idling too fast,

just jiggle the handle.

Pretty sharp looking,

isn't it?

I call it

a kybo charger.

I just hooked up

the fuel pump

and I'm waiting for the

tank to fill up.

Okay, they say the proof

of the pudding is in

the eating.

Maybe that's not

the best analogy.

Hey, wait a minute,

this is a man's car.

So remember, if women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

And they'll

find me gone.

I read in the paper

about a company

whose stock price

just plunged lower

than pamela

anderson's neckline.

They may even go bust.

Well, naturally, people are

pretty ticked off

but this spokesman guy said

it was merely a necessary,

temporary market adjustment.

This is called p.R.

If you're a shareholder,

it's called b.S.

Personally,

I call it genius.

All of us middle-aged,

married guys need

a crash course

in this kind

of public relations.

Think about it.

Your wife catches you

asleep instead of

mowing the lawn.

That's not a nap,

that's a personal rejuvenation

efficiency enhancement.

Got nailed eyeing another

woman in the supermarket?

You were merely engaged

in benign comparative

product appraisal.

Used your wife's best

china bowl as an ashtray

at your poker game?

Sounds like value-added

asset re-purposing to me.

So let's all give this p.R.

Business some serious thought.

You didn't put the dishwasher

back together wrong,

you restructured it.

You didn't

break the lamp,

you downsized it.

And if you're really

in trouble,

go for the ultimate

public relations ploy...

Honey, I'm an idiot.

No woman can

argue with that.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

If your septics used to remind

you of a field of dreams

but now it's more

like reservoir dogs,

a river runs through it

or I know what you

did last summer...

Call me.

[ chuckling ]

we're close to being ready

for the folk art convention.

This is going

to be huge.

Is that beautiful

or what, huh, huh?

Who wouldn't want

one of these, eh?

And you'll never guess

what it's made out of.

Uncle red?

How come all the lodge

vehicles are missing

their tires?

Tires are a dime

a dozen, harold.

We've turned them into

something a little

more valuable.

A big, ugly eraser?

It's a pony, harold.

It's a pony.

A rubber pony with

100,000 miles on it.

Harold,

this is art.

In fact, it's

steel-belted art.

You know what your

problem is, harold?

You don't have the class

or sophistication

to appreciate highbrow art.

People love these,

harold.

You know what they do?

You know what they do?

They stick 'em

on their lawn,

and they look like...

A fat lady

bending over?

Now, is this your work,

or was it submitted

by the group of seven?

We're going to mass produce

these, harold.

I stack up the plywood,

cut them all at once

with the chain saw,

then I take them down to

the day camp and get the

kids to paint them.

They love them,

harold.

And you know what?

They need to know

about capitalism.

Yeah, I think you need to

know about child labour laws.

C'mon, I cut them in

for a piece of the

action, harold.

Now, c'mon, the folk art

convention starts in

a few minutes

and I need some help

getting these down there.

I've got 200 ponies.

I got 500 fat ladies.

I hope that's enough.

Oh, I think

you're safe.

Red voiceover:

The boys decided to

have an atv race.

First prize is 25 gallons

worth of gas,

which went up in

value every minute.

Bill, you're on the wrong

side of the start line.

You might want to do

one of your patented

174-point turns.

Oh, man, oh.

Are you going

to be long?

Okay, and dalton was

the third participant.

He's on like

a riding mower.

Guys, the race started.

Do you want to get

involved with that?

Of course, they got

the much faster --

it takes them about two

seconds to blow by dalton.

They get going so fast

they didn't notice

that the track actually

has a turn in it.

On the other hand,

dalton was well aware

of where he was going,

so he could just

keep poking along.

Get on it, boys.

But we're dealing again

with the powerful machines.

It doesn't take long

to catch up to him,

and they got him right

at the mogul there,

and they hit it good,

maybe a little too good.

Yeah, that's

unfortunate.

And away we go, again.

Now, here again...

I think there's

a left-hand turn --

a left-hand turn --

guys, it's a

left-hand turn.

Oh boy.

Oh, okay.

That's bill.

I guess winston went

right through on his --

yeah, he did,

there he is.

He's back.

And bill -- oh, oww.

All right, bill thought

he'd try fencing.

Yeah, there you go.

And this time they're

getting pretty close

to the finish line.

They blow past dalton

again, no problem.

But then the machine --

I'm getting a little bored

of this at this point.

But their machine's

still acting up,

and bill can't figure out --

and then winston looks

and there's the problem,

you're about

out of gas there.

And then winston starts

doing --

he's actually got

less gas in his.

The thing is, can they

make it to the finish line?

They try humping and bumping

and humping along.

And bill decided he's going

to try and move the

finish line up.

Well, that's just

not acceptable.

So then, winston's going

to grab some of first prize

so they can

finish the race,

and then there's

an argument

and dalton wins

the whole deal.

[ applause ]

isn't it funny how

you can have a document

like a gas bill

or a speeding ticket

or an eviction notice

and it's sitting

right here for weeks,

but as soon as

you go to get it,

it's fallen down

behind the fridge.

And I'm talking about

a real heavy fridge

that's been sitting there

since the delivery guy

brought it,

which is back in the days

when they had delivery guys.

What you need is a way

to roll your fridge

out easily

whenever you need to.

Okay, now sure,

they sell those special

appliance rollers,

but they cost

like ten bucks.

And what is the point

of fixing the fridge

if you can't afford to buy

anything to put into it?

Okay, this gives

me an idea.

Actually lots of ideas.

Okay, let's take

these beer bottles --

no, no, let's empty

these beer bottles --

no, let's get some

empty beer bottles.

You know, we have some

immature vandals around here

who spend the odd

Saturday night

winging beer bottles

at this vacant building.

Shows you how low people

can sink when they don't

have cable.

Nobody knows exactly

who the guys are

but people have

their suspicions.

Hey, there's my glove.

But no, I mean,

well --

oh no, I guess I'm

innocent after all.

The good news is

I'm going to use

this old window frame

and a few empties

to free up my fridge.

See what

I've done here?

Hello, dolly.

This baby'll let me

roll out the fridge

anytime I want.

Problem solved.

And what

did it cost me...

Nothing.

[ crash ]

the word, "pneumonia"

should have a silent

"p" in it.

Your back yard shouldn't.

The folk art convention

ended early.

We had some damage

but luckily it wasn't

a big turnout,

so neither of the

customers was hurt.

It's not over till

the fat lady burns.

You know, those kids

at the day camp

should never have

used oil paint.

Don't blame the kids!

It was your tire ponies!

It wasn't

my tire ponies,

it was the

planning committee.

Our display should have

been a lot closer

to the exit...

And a lot farther

from edgar's homemade

fireworks booth.

And edgar's homemade

fireworks booth

should have been a lot

farther from the

smoking lounge.

Yeah, well, we got the

fireworks under control,

but the tire fire

was another story.

Oh, there was

a lot of damage.

The lady with the

dog-hair mitts,

she lost half

her inventory.

You see those macrame

wall hangings?

They went like pinwheels.

And that lady who had the

375 little candles like that,

you know, like that,

like that?

Now, now...

One big one.

Actually, we would

have lost the whole

community centre

if it wasn't for

my collection of 500

bent over fat ladies.

Yeah, everybody

grabbed them

and tried to smother

the fire with them.

Then once the

fire was out,

they used them to board

up the windows.

I was real

proud of that.

Yeah, and all these women

came in and helped

everybody out.

Well, actually, they saw

all the fat ladies up

against the wall

and thought it was a

weight watchers meeting.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, speaking of

meetings...

Yup, you go ahead, harold.

I'll be right down, okay.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting

and I've given up

on being an artist.

I'm now going to be

an art collector.

So you come out

into the driveway

and I'll let you see

my "van go."

to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself,

harold

and the whole gang

out here at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

everybody sit down.

Sit down.

Everybody, sit down.

C'mon, sit down,

you guys.

You got to sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

All right, men, I've got

some good news for you.

I know we lost a bundle

on the folk art convention,

but I was talking to people

from the canada council,

and I told them that we're not

going to do that anymore,

so they're going to cover

all our expenses.

And as far as

they can remember,

it's the first time they've

ever paid an artist to stop.

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