Angel/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

If you've ever driven

off the main road

to avoid cops,

or whatever,

then you've probably gone by

some old farmhouse

and had some frantic dog come

chasin' after your vehicle.

Then you start slowing down

or swerving all over the place.

That just gives

the dog confidence.

He thinks he's winning.

Well, here's a simple trick to

help you avoid the whole

situation.

Just take a piece

of copper pipe,

stick it into a toy dog

out the back of your vehicle.

It's that simple.

Just make sure that you stick it

into the right end.

When other dogs see that

fake dog bouncin' along

behind your vehicle,

they'll think,

oh, boy.

I can relax for a change.

This one's covered.

[ applause and cheers ]

all right, yeah.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Actually, just had a

brush with death.

And I don't mean my wife finding

out how much I spend on

fishing gear either.

I'm talkin' about

the real thing.

Dalton and I pull into

the parking lot,

and I hear

this loud crack.

And I jump out

just a maple tree

crashes right through the roof

of the possum van.

Oh, boy.

I'm tellin'

you, red,

somebody up there

was lookin' out for you.

Well, whoever's lookin'

out for you needs

glasses, dalton.

Dalton was bent over

trying to pick a nickel

up off the floor.

How are you doin'?

You all right?

Oh, everything's

copacetic.

And I found it.

I must have an

angel too, huh?

What do mean "too"?

I don't believe in

that stuff.

Really?

No.

You don't believe

that there are beings

keepin' an eye on where

we are and what we're doin'

and know exactly

what we're thinkin'?

Yeah, but they're

called wives.

So you're

tellin' me

that you don't believe

in the supernatural?

No, I don't.

No, no.

No horoscopes or ghosts

or ouija boards --

what's that other

thing I'm thinkin' of?

E.S.P.?

That's it.

No. No. No.

What about

telekinesis,

you know, moving things

with your mind?

Well, now,

that one, yeah,

'cause one time I saw

buster hatfield lay

on his couch

and made his wife

move to port asbestos.

[ laughter ]

it's time to play

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

yes, sir.

And today's prize is an r.V.

Wow!

In this case r.V.

Means red's van.

Hey, wait a minute.

You can't give

away my van.

Just for a day, red.

All right.

It'll need gas.

Playin' for today's prize

is mike hamar.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get mike to say this word...

All right,

dalton.

And go!

Mike, sombody's

chasin' you,

so you're in a...

Stolen car?

Um, okay,

you're in a car,

goin' a little faster

than you should,

and the cops

pull you over,

and they say,

hey, what's the big...

Automatic weapon.

No, let's go back

to your childhood.

Remember you mom would say,

don't eat so fast.

There's no...

Seconds.

All right.

This is an expression.

You're in a long,

slow line at the bank,

and it's no moving

as fast as it should be

'cause the teller's

moving kinda slow,

so you yell,

something up!

Stick 'em.

No.

Time's almost up, red.

Come on, mike.

You gotta do this,

or you won't win the game.

Cheat?

No, no, no, no.

Not cheat, no.

You gotta be quicker,

or you won't get to

drive my van.

Well, actually,

I'd rather walk.

See, I'm kinda

in a hurry.

There we go!

[ bell ringing ]

[ applause ]

here's the keys.

Harold.

Hey, uncle red!

How you doin'?

Good. Good.

I'm on a break.

Great, give you a couple of

minutes to take a look at some

of the stuff I brought you

for your work space, here.

Stuff?

You brought stuff?

Yeah, you know,

just a few momentos

from the lodge.

Oh, well, it's not like I'm

never comin' back up to

the lodge, or anything.

You don't have to bring

stuff down to me 'cause --

that's a big picture,

isn't it?

That's big one, eh?

Yeah!

Isn't that a beauty?

That's of me and you

in our lodge clothing.

Lodge clothing, yeah.

Up at the lodge.

Surrounded by

lodge stuff.

Worth a thousand words,

isn't it?

Yeah.

Couple are comin'

to mind right now.

Good.

Good.

You know,

the problem is --

oh, I do not have

a wall to hang this on.

No problem, harold.

Look at this.

See?

Got a stand on it.

Let's her stand

right up all

on her own.

Oh, that's --

that's --

that's in my

staple zone!

That's where I do

all the stapling.

That's --

that's --

high business stapling

I do there.

I got an idea.

I got an idea.

I know exactly where

I can stuff this.

Really?

Yeah.

Into my scanner,

you see.

And then I'll

scan the image.

It'll go into my computer and

I'll use that as a screen saver.

This is where it'll be.

But, harold,

then you'll only be able to

see it when you're not working.

Well, I don't

do much work.

I do so little work,

it's scary.

Oh, I get it, harold.

You're ashamed

of the lodge.

That's what it is,

isn't it?

No.

No, no, no.

No, no.

No, it's just that --

no, what is is that if I look

at this picture all day long,

I'm gonna start

day dreaming.

I'll be fantasizing

about, you know,

maybe if fish could

swim in possum lake.

You know, I'll never

get any work done.

All right.

Okay.

I see where you're

comin' from.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

I guess this here is out

of the question, is it?

Yes, yes, it would.

All right.

My wife, bernice, tells me

it would be real nice

to have heat in the upper

level of the shed, here.

And when you've been married

as long as I have,

you accept that your wife's

decisions are not only final,

they're also relentless.

The bottom line is

I gotta figure out a way

to get this cast-iron wood stove

up to the second floor.

I suppose I could horse

the unit up onto my back

and then carry it

up this ladder here.

But that would be the equivalent

of puttin' all my vital organs

into a blender.

Bein' on a ladder with an extra

150 pounds on my back

is the reason middle-aged

guys don't elope.

But an extension ladder is

still a big part of my plan.

See how it goes up when I pull

on this rope, here?

Remember that.

It's a hint.

All right, here's another

piece of the puzzle.

Cross-country skis.

Every couple of years,

some health freak gives me

a pair of these.

Cross-country skiing is

kinda like downhill,

but with the fun removed.

I'll tell you,

if I start cross-country skiing,

it's only a matter of time

before I'm eatin' broccoli

and watchin'

the learning channel.

Oh, darn,

they're broken.

Oh, here's a key component

you're gonna need too.

A power winch, eh.

You got one of these on the

front of your vehicle?

I tell you, if I had a nickel

for every drainage ditch,

sand trap, or swimming pool

this unit has pulled me out of,

those darned lawsuits would

take care of themselves.

All right, these are

for pullin' stuff out,

but they can also be used

for pullin' stuff up.

Can you say forklift?

Now all I gotta do is hook the

winch here on to the ladder,

and when I hit the power,

up she goes.

Let's giver 'er a go.

Looks like we're

gonna need some ballast.

All right.

That's got it.

This is so much easier than

carrying the stove up there.

So remember,

if the women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I wanna talk to you middle-aged

guys out there for a minute.

You know, there's

an expression,

the apple doesn't fall

too far from the tree.

In human terms

that means,

like father,

like son.

And in most cases,

that's a pretty scary thought.

Especially as you

head toward retirement

and that inevitable moment

when your offspring not

only look like you,

they start lookin' after you.

You don't want them to

be like you, believe me.

You gotta start settin'

a better example right now.

Now, I'm not sayin'

you have to quit bein'

that lazy apathetic guy you've

worked so hard to become,

just not in front

of the kids,

or as I call them,

your future care givers.

You need to come up

with a few moments of

hard work and

responsible behaviour

'cause you want them

to be more responsible,

and you're

runnin' outta time.

Think about it.

You don't want anyone like you

makin' your meals,

drivin' you around,

and supervising your medication.

So you want that

apple to fall

as far away from

the tree as possible,

maybe even roll

down a hill.

Remember, I'm pullin'

for you.

We're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

c'mon in, red.

I am gonna

convince you

that there is such a

thing as psychic power,

and I'm gonna do it

in front of witnesses.

If you could read

my mind, dalton,

you wouldn't even

try this, you know.

Pick a card.

Pick a card.

All right,

I'll pick a card.

Okay,

now stare at it.

Concentrate.

Send a mental picture

of that card to me.

Are you thinkin'

of naked women?

No.

Oh, that must be me.

Okay, concentrate

on that card.

Is it the

three of clubs?

No.

The four of clubs?

No.

It's a club, though.

No.

It's a black card,

is what I mean.

No, it's not.

Oh, let me

see that!

Oh, there it is.

The trouble is, red,

that you don't believe in it.

No, no, no.

I don't believe in it

because it doesn't work.

Did you wanna

see me, mr. Humphrey?

Yeah, mike.

I'm trying to convince red

here the power of the mind,

and think you

can help me

'cause moose thompson said

that you believe in angels.

No, no, no.

Mike believes in angles.

No. No. No.

I have an angel.

He looks out for me.

Kinda keeps

me outta trouble.

There you go.

You see?

That's what

I mean.

Yeah, he lives

up back of my place.

Okay, mike,

let's not go too far.

The angel lives

behind your house?

Yes, sir.

Does he have wings?

Yep.

Mike, I know what

you're trying to do,

but let's think about

what we're sayin' here.

No, no, no, no.

I'm almost convinced.

You know, what would

make it work great,

though?

If you could bring that

angel over where I

could meet him.

That would be

the clincher.

Uh, sorry.

No. No.

Um, see, he's real shy.

Oh, oh, oh.

That's a shame

because you were

so close to a

breakthrough.

Well, maybe I can convince him

to come down to the lodge

meeting tonight,

if you're that convinced

you wanna meet him.

You know, I'm not

a betting man,

but I'd be willing

to put up, say,

ten bucks

that says mike can't get

his angel to show up at

the lodge meeting.

All right, mr. Green,

I'll take that bet,

on one condition.

That you make the same

bet with mr. Humphrey.

That way, when I bring

my angel in,

you'll have to pay us

each ten bucks.

Oh, no,

that's okay, mike.

No, no, mr. Humphrey,

you deserve it.

You stuck by me when

mr. Green wouldn't,

and I think that you

deserve that opportunity

to make some

easy cash.

Yeah, I do too,

dalton.

Okay, gentlemen,

let's see

your money.

Uh, can you lend

me ten bucks?

Red green!

This is amazing.

I was just

thinking about you.

Well, I waved at you

before I come up, gord.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Right.

So what brings

you here?

Well, you gave me a roll

of film to get developed.

Yeah, but that was only

about 20 minutes ago.

That was

last month, gord.

Really?

Yeah.

Time flies.

Do you want these

pictures or not?

Oh, yeah,

great, thanks.

Did you look

at them?

No,

I was afraid to.

Oh, look.

These are great.

Oops.

What's that by

the tree, there, gord?

Is that a bear?

What is that?

No, that's one of

those tall hairy men,

the, uh --

oh, you mean

bigfoot?

Uh, no,

bigfeet, actually.

Both of 'em,

huge.

Yeah, he just trampled the new

flower bed I just made,

crazy rascal.

Well, how do you know

it's a "he" and not a "she"?

Yeah, there's

a better picture.

Oh, yeah,

that's a he.

Yeah, I call him fuzzy,

but his real name is

[ growling ]

you know, gord,

these pictures could be worth

a lot of money, you know.

Nah, nah.

Fuzzy doesn't have any money.

Oh, no, no, no.

I mean c.N.N.

They'd pay money

for these

'cause you've got proof that

the abominable snowman exists.

I wouldn't call

him abominable.

He's more

tough but fair.

No, no, no, gord.

I'm saying if you let me

take these pictures, okay,

and I'll present them

to the right people,

and we would be lookin' at

a fair major amount of

coin to share.

Really?

You know,

if we do that,

I should be the one to all

the talking, you know,

because I am a

professional forest ranger.

Just to maintain

credibility.

Uh, these pictures

aren't that good.

Nah.

Red:

Can you believe this?

Mike had a date.

My mind is agog.

And he's havin' a good

time driving along,

and I guess this girl

didn't know him.

Suddenly he starts

to run out of gas.

And so does the car.

Now he has to do what

all men hate to do,

no, not that.

He has to look

at the gas gauge.

Yeah, it looks

a little dry there.

But look,

this girl knows mike.

Now he comes up

to his next obstacle.

This car, technically,

isn't a car he's had

more than five minutes,

so he doesn't know

where the gas filler is.

This is kind of a tip-off.

Try the other side,

there, mike.

No, I think it's behind

the license plate.

Try the license plate there.

I doubt if it would be --

I doubt it.

I doubt it.

What the --

oh, oh, oh.

This is a magnetic hill

in the possum lake area.

I don't think mike's

familiar with that.

And he's all --

mike, it's an optical illusion

it's a magnetic hill.

No, it's an optical --

watch.

There's nothin' to it.

See?

That's all there

is to that.

But you know you can have

a lot of fun with it, yep.

No, no, no.

You can have a lot of fun.

Come on.

First of all,

we don't want the possum van

to go up there.

Get a little rock there.

Put that in front

of the wheels.

Okay, nothin'

to worry about.

Now we can have some fun.

Come here.

Anything I got that

I wanna roll up that hill?

How about --

try the spare.

Try the spare.

This is great.

Let 'er go.

Let 'er go.

[ laughing ]

wasn't that great?

Up she goes.

There we go.

What else I got in here?

I got more of

those big balls.

You know those

beach ball-type things?

Let's try a few of those.

Dump a few in there.

Dump a few in.

Watch this, mike, eh?

Let 'em go.

You got three of them.

Let 'er rip.

Let 'er rip.

Look at this.

There goes one.

There goes two.

And number three.

Oh, my golly.

You know --

all right, mike.

Let's do the big one, eh?

Let's do the big one, eh?

Let's fire the whole

van up there.

Get the other rock.

Get the other rock.

Take the other rock out.

Watch out.

She'll creep on you.

She'll creep.

She'll creep.

Get away.

Get away.

Get away.

I'll get mine.

I'll get mine.

Stand back.

Okay, here she goes.

Here she goes.

Watch this.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh, hey.

How are you?

Oh, right!

It's time for

mike's teen talk.

Okay.

So I know a lot of you

young people have trouble

telling the truth.

Well, the problem is that the

truth isn't always that simple.

'cause what might

be true for one guy,

like, say, you or me,

might not be true

for some other guy;

like, the police.

And also, you might be so busy

making up your story

and rehearsing it for so long

and working and

working on it

that you think it's

really the truth, right?

And it comes as a complete shock

when some eye witness

tells you you're lyin'.

This happens to me a lot.

So I like to look for

the danger signs

that'll show me if I might

be telling the truth.

Like, if my story

is gonna cause a hassle,

or if it's gonna

get people irritated,

or -- and here's

the big giveaway,

if it seems a lot more unlikely

than the lie I was gonna tell,

then it's probably the truth.

So I'd say that if you wanna get

yourself into a lot of trouble

and have people mad at you

and callin' you a liar and all

that kind of stuff,

then, sure,

tell the truth;

otherwise, I'd just sort of use

the truth as a last resort.

Like they do in politics.

Oh, that's it.

So what are you

learnin' in school

these days, dale?

Well, my economics

class is kind of

interesting.

We're doing a

comparison between

guns and butter.

Oh, yeah.

Is that what the

educational system

has come to now?

You gotta go to college

to be able to tell

guns from butter?

Well, you could learn

about it too, mr. Green.

I mean, they've got

adult classes at night,

if you're interested.

I'm not interested.

I'm just trying to

distract you,

so you'll put more gas in

than the five bucks

I'm payin' for.

That'll be $5,

mr. Green.

There you go,

dale.

See you

next time.

Oh, wait a second.

You forgot your coupons.

What?

It's a promotion

we're doin' here

at the station.

It's like money,

but you gotta

spend it here.

So how much are

these coupons worth,

quarter of a tank

of gas or something?

Nine cents.

Nine cents?

Well, you collect 'em.

It adds up.

Well, can you get

me an elastic band,

so I can keep 'em

together at least?

I don't have an

elastic on me.

The convenience store

sells elastics.

You gotta buy 'em a bag

at a time, though.

And how much does a bag

of elastics cost?

I dunno.

Two bucks?

Dale, I'm not gonna spend

two bucks to hold nine

cents together.

Here, you take

'em back.

No, I can't

take 'em.

I hope you don't think

I'm gonna get outta the

van to pick those up.

I don't bend over

to pick up a dime.

And neither

should you, dale.

What are you makin'?

Eight bucks an hour?

Okay, that's

13 cents a minute.

You take the time to

pick up those coupons,

you're losin' money.

There's your

economics.

And drop by the lodge

and bring a baked potato,

and I'll also show you the

difference between guns

and butter.

Well, mike's runnin'

a bit late, if he's

comin' at all.

You don't suppose his

angel whisked him off

to heaven, do you?

If mike could

get into heaven,

that's good news for all

of us, isn't it?

Well, I got things

to do, dalton,

so if you don't mind,

I'll just kinda --

hold it right there,

mr. Green.

That money isn't

your's yet.

Mike, did you

come alone,

or is there an invisible

spirit kinda hovering

around you?

Probably some

on his breath.

No.

No, it took a

lot of coaxing,

but my angel finally

agreed to drop by.

So if you don't mind

handing over the money.

For what?

Some invisible angel

nobody can see or hear?

Hey, angel,

if you're here,

smite me, huh.

Smite me down.

Smite me good.

C'mon in,

franco.

Um, this

is franco.

He's a volunteer with the

possum lake guardian

angel society.

They help guys

like me.

Pleased to

meet you, franco.

I look out

for mike.

We don't want anything

to mess up his parole.

This is mr. Green.

He wanted you

to smite him.

No, no, no.

Just kiddin'.

What have you got

in the take out

food box?

My wings.

[ laughter and applause ]

I think somebody owes mr.

Humphrey and me ten bucks.

Hey, hey.

This guy isn't

technically an angel.

What!

What did you say?

I guess those are

suicide wings.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

You guys gotta go.

You guys gotta go.

Away you go.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

I'll see you

guys later.

So if my wife is watchin',

I'll be comin' straight home

after the meeting,

and I think I'm gonna need a

change of clothes

because I've just been

touched by an angel.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and my best pal, franco,

keep your stick

on the ice.

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com

everybody sit down.

Take a seat.

Everybody sit.

Sit down, everyone.

Okay, everyone sit.

Sit.

Sit down.

All rise!

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Okay, bow your heads

for the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change

if I have to

I guess.

Closed captioning provided by