The Beef Project

One of the local farmers passes away and Junior Singleton inherits from him a prized steer that the men promptly offer to butcher for him.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, That's What Friends Are For, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Adventures With Bill, The Experts

DVD: Red Green Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 1

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: This honestly is one of my favorite episodes of all time, uh, of The Red Green Show, "The Beef Project". I think most of the classic things I remember about it happen in one of the last scenes, where we come in and say that nobody had the nerve to actually kill the– the cow. Moose Thompson asked it to marry him. Nobody could look into those big brown eyes and then nail it with a sledgehammer. And then the other thing about, uh... After that, I can't eat beef anymore; we're having hot dogs. To me, that doesn't get any better, but that– that's really one of my problems.

Intro
{Red is seen fishing on a pier early in the morning.}

RED GREEN: One of the differences between men and women is that men feel they have to dominate things. It's not enough to enjoy nature or a job or even a conversation. Man has to dominate! I think that's why we eat so much meat. I mean, there's domination for you: man against animal; who's gonna eat who. Most men think "vegetarian" is an Indian word meaning "lousy hunter". It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequence
''{The "The New Red Green Show" title sequence plays. Cut to a charred-looking Red holding two burned cords. Smoke is forming in the background.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here are a few scenes from this week's show. Harold tells me all...

''{Cut to Ranger Gord standing outside his fire watchtower. He smiles, then lets out a sob.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...the big shows do this. Y'know, shows like "Laugh-In" or "Carol Burnett".

{Cut to Winston holding up a card advertising his business card.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I know Perkins does this kinda thing.

{Cut to Ben trying to honk a bicycle horn.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I should also mention that we got special guests here, Dave Thomas...

{Cut to Edgar shouting something.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and Graham Greene.

{Cut to Bill ecstatically jumping up and down on a trampoline.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Bill's gonna jump up and down till he hurts himself.

Plot Segment 1
''{The camera pans through the Lodge to Harold. The audience applauds.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And now, here's the man whose career has done for plaid what music videos did for lingerie, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

{Red enters, waving to everyone.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, and here's the man who has done for my TV career what pigs have done airplanes, {gestures toward Harold} my nephew, Harold.

''{Harold plays his switcher. A stuffed bear flies around the screen for a few seconds and Harold pretends to shoot at it.}''

RED GREEN: Got some bad news up at the Lodge this week. Grouchy Radcliffe has passed away.

HAROLD GREEN: {shocked} Oh, no! Oh, I didn't know that! Grouchy's what? I didn't know! Oh, we should do something. We should send flowers or something. No, a card! A card! We should send a card. A sympathy card, yeah! I saw a lovely one the other day. And it had a squished worm on the pavement, you know? And when you open it up, the message inside said... {voice wavering} "Sorry to hear that you hit the road." {wipes his eyes} Isn't that lovely? We could send that! We could send that! We should do something like that! If we did something like that, we should do that. That'd be– What should we do?

RED GREEN: Why don't you try two-minute silence? 'Bout a hundred times. {to audience} It's not that his passing was that unexpected. Grouchy's got to be the oldest farmer in the whole area.

HAROLD GREEN: He was light. He was a very colorful character.

RED GREEN: Especially his language. No, I think he was a lot friendlier than he seemed. He'd stand there on his fence, yelling out obscenities, throwing bricks at people...

HAROLD GREEN: Well, he can be grouchy! You know, that's how he got his name, Grouchy!

RED GREEN: He was, uh, he was difficult.

HAROLD GREEN: Cranky.

RED GREEN: Hard to get along with.

HAROLD GREEN: Obnoxious.

RED GREEN: He was insane.

HAROLD GREEN: I hated him!

RED GREEN: Everyone did, Harold. {back to audience} And the strange thing is that, when Grouchy died, he was very, very rich. And now there's no friends and no relatives to get the inheritance.

HAROLD GREEN: I didn't really hate him. I think "admire" is a better word.

RED GREEN: {shaking his head} Forget it, Harold. The only guy who has a chance is Junior Singleton. He went out there every day, made friends with Grouchy, did all the chores and everything. I think he's gonna be pretty smart now; he's gonna inherit the whole darn thing.

HAROLD GREEN: I admire Junior. {Red tosses his head, annoyed} He's great.

RED GREEN: You are pathetic, Harold. When I go, you're not getting what I got.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, when you go, I'll have everything I want!

{Harold laughs as he plays his switcher.}

Segue: Ranger Gord
{Ranger Gord is standing outside his tower.}

RANGER GORD: Hi, you're watching The Red Green Show. {suddenly chokes up and sobs} You're lucky!

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by hitting a rusty hook with a spoon.}

RED GREEN:


 * Oh, there's a hole in my tent,
 * And the water's dripping in.
 * It's fallin' on my hat,
 * And drippin' on my chin.
 * Always remember camping lesson number one:
 * If you got bugs in your tent, don't shoot 'em with a gun!

That's What Friends Are For
{Red and Dalton run down into the Lodge basement and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: Alright, alright, alright, you're sittin' at the kitchen table, stirring your coffee, minding your own business. Suddenly, you look up – she's staring right at you!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, you realize your wife's been talking to you and you haven't been paying attention?

RED GREEN: {nods} And here's the camphor: she just said, "Well, what do you think?"

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, she's got the corner. You can't say you weren't listening. You can't say something like, "Oh, geez, I don't know, dear, why don't you decide?" I mean, that's a lame excuse. She'll know you weren't listening, right?

RED GREEN: And she's gonna get mad.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, yeah. The best thing to do in a situation like this: don't look at her.

RED GREEN: No. Once she sees that blank look in your eyes and sees you breathing through your mouth, you're a dead duck.

DALTON HUMPRHEY: Now, the best defense is a good offense. Change the subject right then and there.

RED GREEN: Want to know a great subject? Her! {smiles} Tell her how great she looks. Say, uh, "How long has it been since I've told you how much you've appreciated every little thing you do?"

DALTON HUMPHREY: Or– Or just say, "When was the last time we were out together on a nice evening?"

RED GREEN: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Be careful of that one, that should only be used by a professional.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. The most important thing is to, while you've got her distracted, is to get out of the room fast before she remembers what she was talking about.

RED GREEN: Hopefully, she wasn't paying attention.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, like you.

{They run back up the stairs.}

Handyman Corner
{Red enters his workshop, wheeling in a wheelbarrow full of various car parts.}

RED GREEN: I think you're gonna notice a little sensitivity in this week's Handyman Corner, 'cause with Grouchy Radcliffe passing away and not having any relatives to celebrate or anything, the bunch of us has kicked in various car parts and assorted flotsam and jetsam. We're gonna make Grouchy some kind of a headstone or a mausoleum or something, so that every time we go by the cemetery, we'll be reinforced with the comforting thought that he really is dead.

{Red picks up two car axle stands from the barrow.}

RED GREEN: Now, everything means something with this thing. Uh, for example, these car axle stands, what they will say to us is that, every once in a while, it's a good idea for a man to spend a winter up on blocks.

{Red tosses the axles aside and picks up from the barrow the grill of a radiator.}

RED GREEN: Radiator? That means it's okay to blow off a little steam.

{Red tosses the grill aside and picks two hubcaps from the barrow.}

RED GREEN: Wheel discs? {pauses} Well, they're mainly decorative.

{Red puts the hubcaps back in the barrow and goes over to acetylene tanks.}

RED GREEN: Now we're about to cross the line between being an artisan and being a handyman. {picks up two torches from the tanks} 'Cause I'll tell ya, this project requires as much taste and artistic ability... {proceeds to try and light the torches} ...as it does a big hammer and the attitude to make it effective. And the thing with art is, there's no right way and no wrong way!

{As Red continues to try and light the torches, suddenly, the tanks explode, singeing Red and destroying the torch hoses.}

RED GREEN: All right, maybe there still is a wrong way.

''{Red takes off his hat, inside which it's smoking, as is his hair. Red coughs. Wipe to a later scene. Red is putting some duct tape on his new headstone, made out of all the items in the barrow.}''

RED GREEN: I decided to go instead with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. And don't worry about the damage from that acetylene torch. It was a rental. So now what we have is not only an attractive art deco headstone, it's also extremely functional. For example, I installed the turn signals to hook them up to some of the Christmas lights there. {shows off Christmas lights on headstone} And so now the deceased can signal his turn right... {flips lever on stone up; all the Christmas lights on the right side of the stone flash} ...or left... {flips lever down; Christmas on left side flash} ...up or down, you know? But with Grouchy, I think what I'll do is, uh... {flips lever all the way up; all lights on stone flash} ...put the four-way flashers on; keep his options open. Actually, where he's going, he's gonna wish I put in air conditioning. {turns on fan on stone; shows fuzzy dice hanging off stone} Maybe the lucky dice'll make all the difference. {takes out cigarette lighter; bends down by a piece of dashboard in front of stone} You know, when somebody famous dies, like a president or Elvis or something, they always have the eternal flame. So what I've done is I've taken the gas tank out of Grouchy's car and we'll just fire that up. {lights up small opening on dashboard with lighter} Boy, that smells bad. There we go! There's your flame. The eternal part will depend on his gas mileage. {climbs back up; shows ashtray on headstone} And I've also put an ashtray in here just in case Grouchy gets himself cremated. {points to gas nozzle on stone} And I've hooked up the windshield washers down through this gas nozzle. It goes into here and so on... {points to plant on floor below stone} ...and go down and water that plant, because I figured Grouchy's not gonna get a lot of flowers in his personality. Let's see how that looks. {turns on washer; water runs down stone into a pan near plant} There we go. Boy, that brings on a lot of memories for me, how 'bout you? {bends back down by dashboard} Anyway, there's the kind of thing that you can do the next some distant, far-away distant relative of yours passes away. Until then, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Honk if you love inheritances! {honks horn on steering wheel on dashboard twice}

Commercial bumper
{Ben holds up a car horn during a game show.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Speaking of honking, stay tuned for Dave Thomas.

{Cut to a dazed Bill emerging from an old shack with smoke billowing out of it.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And we'll check out and see how Bill's doing in the smokehouse.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I want to talk to all you older guys. I want you to know that you're not alone. I'm one of you. And every week, more and more of us are coming out of the tool room and admitting it. Admitting that we have nothing to say, to anyone, about anything. I know that feeling. Your wife probably understands. You've said it all to her before. You're still with her. You have nothing to add. That's all right. Unfortunately, there are some guys who have nothing to say, but keep talking. If you find yourself ranting about how people are parking their cars on your street, you have nothing to say, stop talking. If you find yourself going on and on about how Jeopardy! is way better than Wheel of Fortune, or how hard these new orange juice cans are to open, or the high price of hammers, you have nothing to say! If you find yourself telling a hilarious story that you read in Reader's Digest, stop talking! No one is listening to you. The person you're talking to has glazed over and is nodding their head, while they make up a grocery list, or plan their winter vacation, or vow never to get as old and boring as you are! So don't just keep talking until you think of something. You may not! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Segue: Winston Rothschild
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Hi, Winston Rothschild here for Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, reminding you... {he holds up his business card on which the slogan and the phone number is displayed} "Don't get hosed somewhere else!" Call 1-800-555-SUCK!

Commercial bumper
{Red is wearing an apron and a helmet and holding a saw.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned. You won't wanna miss what we got planned for the cow.

{Cut to a shot of Edgar talking.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Or our special guest, Graham Greene!

Plot Segment 3
''{Red walks into the Lodge wearing an apron, a helmet and a welding mask, and holding a jigsaw. Harold is eating an apple.}''

RED GREEN: Well, as soon as Junior gets here with Wanda the Wonder Cow, we'll be up to our rump roasts in steak.

HAROLD GREEN: {disgusted} Oh! Oh, now I feel like K.D. Lang!

RED GREEN: Harold, you look like K.D. Lang. {to audience} Anyway, Stinky's bringing the cow over in the back seat of his '69 Cadillac. He's got twice as much leg room there, which is good, 'cause the cow has twice as much leg.

HAROLD GREEN: Stinky's putting a farm animal in the back of his Cadillac?! What about the smell?

RED GREEN: The cow didn't seem to mind. {to audience} So all the guys are bringing different power tools over depending on what kind of meat we're cutting. {holds up jigsaw} I'm using this baby for the delmonicos. We've got a skill saw for the ribs. And we're using a rotor on the filet mignons.

HAROLD GREEN: {disgusted} Oh! Oh, I don't even wanna hear about the hamburger!

RED GREEN: Buster's bringing a rototiller.

HAROLD GREEN: I heard! I heard! Oh! Now I know why people become vegetarians!

RED GREEN: Harold, the cow is not an animal in the wild. It's– It's like a crop. {points to Harold's apple} It's like that apple, all right? This is harvest time, that's all.

HAROLD GREEN: There is no comparison! I mean, I have to murder this apple first before I eat it.

RED GREEN: No, with the steaks, we're doing the humane thing and killing the cow first. {points to Harold's apple} You're eatin' that apple alive!

{Harold gets a sickly expression and pulls the apple away from him, whimpering.}

Harold's Announcements
''{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a notepad.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's an invitation here from Ranger Gord! It's from Ranger Gord. We all know who Ranger Gord is, right? He's been up in that tree watching for fires for the past 16 years over Possum Lake. And, oh, and he's having a pajama party! So, uh... {reading notepad} "I'm having a pajama party. Bring your ABBA albums."

Plot Segment 4
{Red enters the Lodge, feeling depressed.}

RED GREEN: Harold, if the people of this community ever find out what we did in that parking lot to that cow, I will never be able to hold my head up high again.

HAROLD GREEN: {shocked} You actually did it, Uncle Red? You did the whole Texas Chainsaw Massacre thing to that poor little defenseless milk-maker?

RED GREEN: ...We chickened out, Harold, every last one of us. {to audience} There wasn't one guy who could look into those big brown eyes and then nail her with a sledgehammer.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} Oh, excellent!

RED GREEN: Guys were sobbing, they got misty-eyed. At one point, Moose Thompson asked the cow to marry him! This is a dark day for the image of Possum Lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I, for one, am very proud of you, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Don't make it worse, Harold. {to audience} I don't know how many vegetarians there are in this country, but I bet most of them work in slaughterhouses. You know, eatin' meat is like havin' kids. The less you know about it, the more likely you are to go ahead.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I hope you apologize to Wanda, you know, 'cause that cow's had a very stressful day.

RED GREEN: Oh, you can tell that by the back seat of Stinky's Cadillac.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

Explanations

 * The phrase flotsam and jetsam describes discarded odds and ends or any objects found floating or washed ashore.

Trivia

 * This episode marks the first appearances of Dalton Humphrey, Winston Rothschild, Ben Franklin and Edgar K.B. Montrose.

Real-World References

 * During the title sequence, Red mentions Laugh-In and The Carol Burnett Show.
 * Jeopardy! and Wheel of Fortune are both famous television game shows that were both created by Merv Griffin.

Famous People

 * During Handyman Corner, Red mentions Elvis.
 * When Red talks about butchering the cow, Harold says he feels like (and Red tells him he looks like) K.D. Lang.
 * Monet, one of the categories in the game show, refers to Claude Monet, a French Impressionist painter.