Bad Chili/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold:

Okay, all right, this is it.

We're starting now.

They laughed when we sat down

to play, but we made comedy.

And, boy,

they're not laughing now.

And here's the main reason

for that,

the star of our show and the

best uncle a person ever had --

I don't even care who they are,

he's the best --

the star

of "the red green show,"

mr. Red green!

Okay. It's okay, uncle red.

Come on in.

Uh, thank you, harold.

Especially thank you

to all the viewers

for tuning us in

when there's so much

mindless crap on television.

Speaking of mindless crap,

come on over here

a minute, harold.

Harold is not just

the announcer on the show.

He's also our producer

and director.

He went to school

for that.

What was the name of that

college you went to, harold?

I-I don't know.

I just sort of came in the mail.

But was it ever excellent!

I just wanted you

to know

the show was

in real good hands here.

And, well, harold, maybe you

should explain to the viewers

about this little gizmo

here.

They might think

it's something medical.

[ laughs ] no, no.

This is

a video-effects machine.

It's like

the edgar winter model.

Wa-a-a.

It creates visual effects.

[ keyboard clacking ]

well, harold tells me that

that's the kind of thing

that the, uh, modern viewer

goes for.

And, uh, harold here

knows television,

uh, don't you, harold?

Yeah. Okay.

How would you say

the show's going so far?

Dragging a bit,

in my opinion.

Well, these young people

today,

they're not afraid

to speak their minds.

I like that --

not all the time,

mind you,

like not now.

But, no,

I was gonna tell you

that last night

up at the lodge,

we were making chili,

and we found a running shoe

right in the chili,

which actually makes sense

when you think about it.

We figured it was probably

stinky peterson's shoe

because he likes to get

into the chili pot

and stomp

on the kidney beans.

Otherwise,

they give him gas.

So we don't say "no."

but it wasn't

stinky's, so --

uncle red, oh, sorry, we don't

have time for your story.

Yeah, sorry.

Just go to the next clip.

Just, you know,

go to the next clip.

Well, I think the people

want to find out

what happened

to the running shoe.

We'll tell them later

'cause right now it's boring.

I can hear people

changing their tv channels.

Click! Click! Click! Click!

Click! Click! Click! Click!

You better go

to the next segment.

Click! Click! Click!

Uh, I guess we'll get back

to the story later

and right now go to a film clip

of some kind.

[ keyboard clacking ]

what in the sam hill

was that?

Special effects.

Neat, eh?

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ there once was a fella

that lived around here ♪

♪ he made his own clothes

and brewed his own beer ♪

♪ but the one thing about him

that filled us with dread ♪

♪ was the number of chemicals

he kept in his shed ♪

♪ pesticide bob ♪

♪ pesticide bob ♪

♪ he used whatever

was right for the job ♪

♪ weed killer, rat killer,

rose dust, and mace ♪

♪ he never wore gloves

or a mask on his face ♪

♪ his manner was distant ♪

♪ his outlook was drab ♪

♪ when he died, he smelled

like a chemistry lab ♪

♪ we buried him deep

and made sure they paid us ♪

♪ 'cause his corpse

killed all vegetation ♪

♪ within a 30-mile radius ♪

pesticide bob.

Uh, this week

on "handyman corner,"

I'm gonna take you outside

and show you

how to upgrade your vehicle.

Uh, you know, they just don't

make vans like this anymore.

And if any of you viewers

have one, well, you know why.

Now, I know that, you know,

you fix her up

by doing some bodywork

or maybe finally getting around

to do that ring-and-valve job.

But I think it's a lot more fun

and something you can talk about

at parties, too --

install your own

air conditioner.

[ clears throat ]

now, uh...

I got the idea

to put in air conditioning

when I found

this, uh, air conditioner,

uh, which was sitting on the

sidewalk in front of a house.

And whether it was out there

to go in the garbage

or maybe the people were moving

and just hadn't put it

in the truck yet,

uh, I don't really know.

But...

[ grunting ]

uh, the deal is there that

with an air conditioner now --

she runs 120 volts,

and the van runs 12 volts.

So, uh, what you need

is a step-up transformer,

which any idiot can make,

and I'll prove it.

Uh...

To make the transformer,

you need

one of these wheel rims.

We have a lot of these

up at the lodge

because the mice just eat

the rubber right off the tires.

And, you know, the droppings,

they'll bounce from here

to hollywood, you know?

Uh, so, what you need to do

is you got to go 12 volts,

120 volts.

So that's the ratio

on the transformer.

So you divide 12 by 20,

and that's, uh...

Uh...

120 divided by 12...

Uh, carry the 4...

[ sniffles ]

10!

10!

Okay, so,

now you got to wrap your wire

around on that ratio of 10.

So you'd put 30 -- uh, 30 coils

on one side and then 10 times...

30 times...Uh...

Damn it.

418.

All right, uh, that only took

a few hours.

Now we, uh, can hook her up

to our power supply.

We got the transformer.

I'll just go around

the front here and, uh...

Hoist this up, and --

oh, there we go.

Run these battery cables.

Uh, hook them onto the battery.

Now, just run the cable --

we'll keep them apart.

Run the cables around here.

You know, this is just

temporary, unless it works.

If you wanted to make

a real fancy installation,

I suppose you could, you know,

go in through the windows

and through the walls and so on.

But that would involve

a lot of hammering.

Okay, so, now what we do

is we hook her up

to the transformer.

This is going

on the small side here.

Oh, for gosh sake.

[ laughs ]

okay, hook that up there.

And we'll...

Oh, perfect, perfect.

Okay.

Now we need to hook

the other side

up to the air conditioner.

Where's the other wire here now?

Here we go.

Yeah, this is to step up

the transformer aspect of it.

Now, a lot of you safety nuts

would probably want to

tape these.

There we go.

Okay.

Now we should be

up to 120 volts.

Just a matter now

of just hoisting

the air conditioner

up into the --

just hoisting her up!

Just hoist her up!

There we go!

[ grunting ]

all right.

At least we're --

these are a heavy unit,

aren't they?

By golly.

Ohh.

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

All right, that's

just got to get up

into the window there now.

[ sniffles ]

[ sighs ]

just wait

for all my body parts

to go back

into their normal shape.

And...

Up onto this.

Up on this.

[ panting ]

up onto this.

[ grunting ]

uhh!

I should have parked on a hill.

Uhh!

[ grunting ]

all right. There.

Now, this is not something

you're gonna be

taking in and out, you know,

on a regular basis.

[ panting ]

all right, now, I just --

ohh!

I didn't think I'd have to wear

the equipment today, but --

get the air conditioner

into the window.

Ohh!

Ohhh!

All right. All right.

A little farther.

It takes a little touch here,

a little --

now, just find the point

just where it balances.

Oh.

[ sniffles ]

all right, well,

ignore that part.

But, other than that,

a h-heck of an idea.

Okay, so, you get the idea.

Until next time,

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

You know, I got enough there

to make a heat pump for the van.

We'll be right back

with the rest of the story

about the mysterious

running shoe

right after

these messages.

And lots

of other things, too,

just in case

you weren't interested

in that running-shoe thing.

Just say.

"it is autumn.

"you see a pile of leaves

"right in the middle

of your front lawn.

"they weren't there yesterday.

"they won't be there tomorrow.

"and so you run and jump

headfirst into the pile.

"and then you remember

what was here yesterday

"and will be here tomorrow --

a fire hydrant."

so, as I was saying,

that wasn't stinky's

running shoe in the chili at all

because, uh, stinky wears

rubber boots

to squash the kidney beans,

and that way it cleans

the bait off of them.

Then we thought, well, maybe

it'd be moose thompson's.

But, no,

'cause the shoe had laces,

and moose does not have

the kind of figure

where he can reach his feet

without help.

And, besides,

moose has really not bent over

since his days in the army,

which we hope

is just a coincidence.

Just tell them

whose shoe it is, uncle red,

'cause we're losing them.

Hurry up! Go!

That's, you know,

my opinion.

Well, it was

old man sedgwick's shoe.

Okay, good.

Roll the next insert!

But old man sedgwick

hadn't put it in the chili.

So this is where

the mystery comes in.

I mean, it couldn't have just

crawled in there, or could it?

Ready to roll

the pre-taped insert?

Okay, great. Go.

Go. [ laughs ]

I love the sense of power.

I really do.

See, the thing was

that old man sedgwick

hadn't really seen

the running shoe

since about two years earlier

when he was at the united church

badminton tournament,

and he got into the punch

in a big way,

fell on his racquet, and come

home with a crushed bird.

Uncle red,

I'm not on you anymore.

We're into the next segment --

well into it.

We're out here,

uh, on location

on what they call

a location shoot.

And I got my good friend

dougie franklin here.

And, you know, dougie,

they always say you can judge

a man by the shine on his truck.

I appreciate that, red.

Thank you kindly.

You know, dougie here

has got quite a vehicle,

got a lot of special equipment

on it.

And, doug, I know

a lot of our viewers

would like to hear

about the special equipment.

So, maybe, doug,

you could tell us about

some of the special equipment.

I can do that

for you, red.

Well, we'll start right back

at the top there.

About the only original thing

on this

from the guy who built her

was the windshield.

And then he discovered women,

and that's --

it happens.

It does.

That's how I got the truck.

Yeah.

Anyway,

with the stock windshield --

she's gone now --

we've got beautiful,

heavy-duty suspension

all around, with a quad.

We got -- [ coughs ]

she's got your load levelers,

load lifters, load limiters.

This baby, she's fully loaded

with a quad.

Now, let's just have a quick boo

here at the power plant.

Yeah.

Get to the power plant.

Now, this is what they call

your blueprint big block.

Oh, yeah.

She's a big block

blueprint block...

With a quad.

Oh, yeah.

We got two fuel injectors

in her.

But, actually,

I ripped them out,

and I put in the predator

performance carburetors.

Oh.

And I want to tell you,

I've tuned those suckers up.

They come

with a quad, as well.

And she's had --

she's an aluminum block.

She's got your hemi

bored out to about 600 cube.

Now, I'll tell you, red.

You put your pedal to the metal

on this baby,

your face will whip back

on you there so tight,

you'll look like

one of them women

coming out of one of them

hollywood face-lift clinics.

I'll tell you.

She's got torque, this baby.

What about, uh, the engine?

Did you mention that?

Well, yeah, that was

the block business

with the carburetors.

I think I did, anyway.

Oh, no.

Well, you said the power plant.

Is that the engine?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, legally speaking,

your power plant

has to be your engine.

Oh.

Legally, legally.

But, oh, I'll tell you,

she is street legal as she sits.

Yeah, she'll -- except for,

like, on a one-lane bridge

or a private school,

something like that.

You wouldn't want to

take her in there.

But, oh, she'll move.

She'll do about a ton

in first gear.

Maybe you should

explain that, doug.

A lot of our viewers

maybe don't know what a ton is.

For you folks at home

that don't know what a ton

or never done a ton --

if there is such

a person out there --

a ton, of course,

is a 100 mile an hour.

Now, she'll do 100 mile an hour

in first gear.

Oh, my god.

You bump up to ethylene

or like an aircraft fuel,

this baby will move.

She'll probably do

a ton and a half in first gear.

Actually,

with the predator carburetor,

she'll -- you can actually run

this baby on testosterone.

But, you know, you can't get

the stations to stock it.

They just won't stock it.

Not even the unleaded.

Oh, for god's sake.

You got a lot of money

tied up here, uh, dougie.

Yeah, I do.

What would something

like this run?

Well, you know,

it's funny.

You look at it --

money, dollar signs

pop to your eyes.

This baby's worth probably

somewhere in the neighborhood

of about $765.26 a month.

You know, that's the monthly

payments, dougie.

I was interested in the actual

full price of the vehicle.

Uh...

Well, you'd have to speak

to the bank about that one.

What I done was I told them

it was a motor home,

and I took out

a 25-year mortgage on her.

And, you know,

by the year 2010, though,

quite a reasonable buyout

on this baby.

Wow, golly, she's almost

big enough to be a motor home.

Yeah, she is.

If she had a toilet,

you know --

oh, she's got a toilet --

back there in the quads, yeah.

The guy who built her

put one in there.

For gosh sake.

Yeah.

Well, I'll stay

up at this end.

Yeah.

Okay.

And, doug, hey, thank you.

Thank you for your time.

Red, god love you.

All right.

Okay, harold.

Hit your buttons.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ my beard is a treasure

I wear on my face ♪

♪ if I need to hide things ♪

♪ it's a pretty good place ♪

♪ if you think having a beard

is a disgrace ♪

♪ then what about lincoln ♪

♪ or santa

or steven spielberg? ♪

♪ not to mention the fact ♪

♪ that I don't have to

get up early to shave ♪

♪ which means

that in my lifetime ♪

♪ I've had about 4,000 hours

more sleep ♪

♪ than most men my age ♪

♪ mmm ♪

oh, uncle red.

This is great.

Answering the letters

this week

is gonna be so easy

and so much fun.

These are the most exciting

and best letters we've ever had.

This is fantastic. This is

really, really good letters.

If I'm any judge

of letters,

which I am,

this is a good letter.

Just read the good letter,

would you, harold?

It's a great letter

I'm gonna read. Okay.

"dear red, congratulations

on your great show.

"the production

and direction is wonderful --

very bergmanesque."

bergmanesque?

We don't have strippers.

No, no, no, uncle red.

Bergmanesque.

That's like ingmar bergman.

He was in "casablanca."

our viewers

don't know that.

Let me see that letter

for a sec.

No. It's all right.

It's okay.

That's your handwriting,

harold.

Why would we be answering

letters written by you, harold?

Have we sunk to that?

Well, we...

We didn't get any mail

this week, uncle red.

Unless you got a letter.

Did you get a letter

or a phone call or anything?

Not that I recall, no.

Oh.

Did you get faxed lately?

Well, I don't think

we have to talk about that

on television, harold.

Boy, they didn't use language

like that in my day.

What's the world coming to?

This whole

"answering the mail" thing

has gone

down the toilet.

Foul language

and fake letters.

Well, I think

answering fake letters

is better than answering

no letters at all.

There's no sense having

an "answering the mail" segment

of a show

if there's no mail to answer.

Wa-a-a.

Why not?

We tell hunting

and fishing stories,

and we never shoot

or catch anything.

Shh!

[ film projector clicking ]

red: This week

on "adventures with bill,"

he wanted to go orienteering,

which is, you know, kind of

walking around with a map.

And I wasn't real interested

in it, you know?

My first reaction was "no."

first of all,

he had the map upside down,

which took away a certain amount

of my confidence.

And, uh, anyway, I just don't

really enjoy that type of thing.

But...I went along with it,

you know?

Whoa!

I decided not to do that.

But, you know, bill seemed

to know what he was doing.

He's got that confidence...

Aah!

...And an air about him

where he seems to be in control

of everything.

Aah!

It kind of makes you want a gun.

Now, what he wanted to do

was he wanted to mark the tree

with a hatchet here

so he'd know where he was.

But the map blew up,

and then, well...

I guess it's okay.

And he's gonna try and take

the hatchet out of the tree.

But...

Well, then he decided that's

a pretty good marker itself,

the head of the ax there.

So then we just started

heading out.

And bill had the canteen.

He had all the equipment

and everything.

He offered me

a little drink of that.

It wasn't bad, either.

The map was getting

a little worse for wear.

But he had that feeling,

and he had the binoculars there.

And he handed them --

no, bill. Bill, bill.

Give me the binoc-- yeah.

And then he got back to the map.

And I must admit, I was starting

to lose my confidence.

Then when he asked us

to get our compasses out

and compare them,

they were completely different.

Now I'm starting to really

wonder what I'm in for here.

And so, what we decided to do

is just take half the map each.

And I'd already decided,

uh, what I was gonna do

with the map

and the whole idea really.

I figured I could just find

my way with the compass

and the canteen

and the binoculars and so on.

But bill was going,

I guess, the right way.

And, you know, the funny thing

is, I didn't want to do this.

But, you know,

once I got into it...

Yow!

I guess bill was enjoying

himself, too, you know?

And the compass

was working fine.

And I was making good time.

[ grunting ]

I found the walking

quite pleasant actually.

Nice day, sunny,

and no real underbrush

or anything to worry about.

I was wondering what bill

was doing about this time.

Hyah!

I wasn't real concerned.

I just was -- I was just

curious, that's all.

And I could just take my time.

And, you know, actually, I was

enjoying nature a little bit.

I found out later that bill

was having some problems.

But, you know,

he's a very resilient, you know,

inventive, resourceful

kind of guy.

So it won't bother bill.

And, boy,

it was a nice day there.

The binoculars -- I could

just see where I wanted to go.

Bill was okay.

Yow!

I believe he had

a telescope with him.

So I didn't leave him

completely high and dry.

Yeah, there it is there.

Looks a bit

like a thermos anyway.

But -- ohh!

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Okay, well, lucky

it wasn't his good eye.

I stopped and had a drink,

and, you know, I was really

kind of glad

that I had gone along with it.

I was hoping bill

had something to drink.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh!

Oh, well, bill's not having

a good day, I guess.

But, golly, I was.

I really was.

And that's really

all that mattered at that point.

[ panting ]

bill was starting

to circle a little bit,

which, apparently, is indicative

of someone

pretending to be lost.

You know, he's funny that way.

You know,

if I'd have seen him there,

of course I would have

straightened him out.

But, you know,

a place like that, sometimes --

now, we're starting

to make progress here

'cause bill

eventually comes back to that.

And lucky thing that he'd left

that marking there.

He didn't seem real pleased,

but, to me, it meant

he was at least getting back

where he started,

which is where I was

and just waiting for bill

'cause I wanted to thank him.

I had a heck of a good day.

It's just unfortunate,

but maybe his compass wasn't

up to the quality of mine.

Maybe he didn't pay

the full value for it

or what have you,

bought it used maybe.

But he's just gonna --

no, chuck it away.

Chuck it away.

Throw it away. Toss it.

Gone. Okay.

And something was hurting bill.

There was something he'd sat on.

So I was helping --

well, for goodness sake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was the problem.

So, you might as well just --

I say just have

a little rest, bill.

You deserve it.

Big day.

We'll be right back,

and I'm not even gonna mention

the running shoe in the chili.

[ laughs ]

excellent choice.

So, anyway, after dinner,

a woman come over to the lodge

and told us she's the one

who'd accidentally dropped

the running shoe into the chili.

Apparently, she'd been carrying

the shoe around

for a couple of years

and trying it on every man

she met,

hoping to find a guy

who'd had his hands all over her

at the badminton tournament

and then they'd be able to live

happily ever after.

Well, uh, we knew it

was old man sedgwick's shoe,

so, yeah, we were surprised

as heck when he tried it on

and it didn't fit.

He told us later

that was because

there was a piece of celery

stuck in the toe of his sock.

Uh, see, old man sedgwick

doesn't want to get married.

He wants to just play the field

until they plow him under,

which is fine with us.

I mean, he looks

like a scarecrow anyway.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'm gonna come straight home

after the show,

so I'd like you to leave the

light on over the garbage bags.

I don't want to do that again.

So, anyway, thanks very much

for watching,

and on behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang

up here at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.