Twinning/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, getting a stump

like this outta your yard

can be as tough as getting

your wife's uncle outta

your spare bedroom.

But here's a solution.

Get a great big beach ball,

like the one I had a minute ago.

Fill her up with helium,

like I did a minute ago.

Then wrap it up with,

oh, say, 3,000 feet of rope.

Then you tie the other end of

the rope to the stump,

way low down near the roots.

Now, depending on

where you live,

you might use more rope;

you might use less.

But I use 3,000 because around

here small planes fly at 2500.

[ sound of airplane flying ]

[ applause ]

[ cheering and applause ]

thank you very much.

Got kind of a special project up

at the lodge this week.

You know they've got this deal

where you can twin

your town or city

with another town or city,

even in another country?

And then you do the switcheroo.

You live in somebody else's

home,

and you see how they live and

what their house smells like.

We figured this would be a great

way to promote the lodge,

so we sent a letter, an

invitation to every

state in america

to see if they had a town or a

city to twin with.

I gotta tell you,

their response so far

has been a little negative.

"over my dead body."

"yeah, that could happen."

"not right now, but call us

back when hell freezes over."

red!

Red, we got a winner.

Or should I say

a twinner?

Wow! You got a city

that said yes?

Oh, no, not just a city.

Really?

Not just a town.

What?

A whole state!

What?

Yeah!

Oh, my gosh!

Try and guess

which one.

Well, it'd have

to be a state like us.

I'd say confusion.

Yes, pretty close.

Pretty close.

It's iowa.

[ cheering and applause ]

wow!

Oh, man, the whole

state of hawaii?

No, I-o-wa.

Iowa.

(disappointed)

oh, that's even better.

Yeah, the way

they explained it to me

is that they had a bunch of

people they felt they could do

without for a couple of weeks,

and I told them there were 50

people doing the exchange.

Well, I'm gonna

go get packed.

Oh, no, I don't

think you should go.

Huh?

No, you're the lodge leader.

I think that it's your job to

stay here and welcome these --

what do you call

people from iowa?

I-o-u-ians?

Well, whatever,

but you know,

you really need to show these

people a good time while

they're here.

Besides, I heard maybe someone

had a little problem the last

time they crossed the border.

Yeah, well, um --

the customs guy and I had

a personality conflict...

I had one, he didn't.

And that led to

an authority problem,

where he had some

and I didn't.

So now I'm denied access

to the u.S. For two years,

so I've either gotta wait it

out or shave my beard off.

I'd wait it out.

[ laughter and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

yesiree.

And today dwight cardiff's

gonna be playing

for a new pair of

running shoes!

Which should pretty

much last a lifetime.

Okay, red, you've 30 seconds to

get dwight to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

dalton.

And go!

Uh, okay, dwight,

use your imagination.

Okay?

If you ever worked hard you

would break out in a...

Rash.

No, no.

This is wet.

It comes out of your body

whenever you do hard

physical labour.

Oh, tears.

Let's say you see a guy

out in the noon day sun

pounding rocks.

And you say, "boy,

he's really working up a..."

cardiac infarction.

All right, let's say you've

got a real good friend asks

you for a favour

and you say, "hey, no..."

chance.

Dalton: Almost outta time, red.

What do you have on

there, dwight?

What's that called?

I dunno.

Activewear?

No, it's a suit.

It's a kind of suit.

Leisure suit?

Last clue, red.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, what do athletes do

in that kind of outfit?

Commercials.

Look, red, I don't

really want the shoes.

Don't sweat it.

There you go.

You got it!

[ cheering and applause ]

it's time for that

portion of the show

where we feature

those three little words

men find so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

And our letter

reads as follows...

"dear experts...

"I have to deliver the eulogy at

an uncle's funeral next week,

"and I don't know what to say.

"he never came to

any family gatherings,

"and none of us

really knew him.

"still, I feel

we owe him something

"because when he died,

he left us each a pretty

good chunk of change.

"any suggestions?"

signed "in the black."

well, I would say you

can say whatever you want.

The guy's not gonna

argue with you.

You know, red, I don't think

you're the right person to

answer this question.

Funerals are a time

for forgiveness

and serious reflection.

Isn't that the way you

do it at the funeral

home, brian?

Not if I can help it.

Planting people

is a tough business.

I mean, all day long you've

got to be straight faced

and sober and serious.

Sober's the hardest.

I guess you gotta just

grab your laughs where

you can get 'em.

Oh, you said it.

We have this one organist,

likes to slip in other songs in

between regular funeral music.

Oh, it is hard to

keep a straight face

when he starts playing

hit the road, jack.

[ laughter ]

you morticians

kill me.

No, that's doctors.

We're just

the clean-up crew.

[ laughter and applause ]

if our um --

if our viewer is

still watching, um --

listen, I don't think you're

gonna get anywhere with

the eulogy.

I think you're on your --

I think you're on your own.

And that's a good thing.

Whoa, no,

I'm sorry.

I got carried away.

Okay,

the eulogy thing.

Well, if you don't know

the guy that well,

it's best to go with our

standard send-off speech,

which, by the way,

is available on our

new gravesite website.

Www.Dead.Com

"ashes to ashes,

dust to dust.

"some guys wear out,

others just rust.

"this one was quiet,

not much to say,

"and he's looking more

laid back than ever today.

"but don't waste

your tears

"it's no time

to grieve.

"we all prefer guests

who know when to leave.

"if he's gone to heaven,

he won't have it so rough.

"and if he's gone

straight to hell,

"you'll meet

again soon enough."

[ cheering and applause ]

I know a lot of you guys

have an old bag at home

that only gets out when

you go play hockey.

I'm talking about

one of these, eh.

And I bet the stuff inside

hasn't seen the light of

day in a while, has it?

If you're like me, the only

time you hit the ice these days

is when you tip your

glass up too high.

So this week on --

[ choking ]

on handyman corner --

I'm gonna show you how

you can turn your old

hockey equipment

into state of the art

fishing gear.

Okay, you start with

the hockey stick itself --

or as I call it now,

the fishing rod.

We're gonna attach

the reel on here

using the right-winger's

secret weapon,

hockey tape.

A person is never

too old to change.

I know what you're thinking.

"get reel."

well, I did.

I used the extra rolls of

hockey tape to finish the job.

What you might wanna do is keep

a goalie mask handy too;

you know, in case you're

fishing out of season

or maybe your rod

has an illegal curve.

Now, I guess we could just stop

with what we've got so far,

but hey, we have a lot more

unused hockey gear still

in the bag,

so I say we take her up

a notch or two

and do our fishing

from a boat.

I've already got a cooler,

one leg for drinks,

the other for bait.

Okay, I've attached the elbow

pads and shin pads

all along the sides

of the boat here

in case I come in here in a

break away and hit the posts.

Then I put all my fishing gear

into the hockey bag,

so I say it's time

to go fishing.

[ laughter and applause ]

I found the seat a bit too

hard in this unit,

so I got out the goalie

equipment and stacked the pads.

That'll also save me from

having any surprises in

the five hole.

Thought about using my

protective cup as a

bobber on that.

Brought back too

many painful memories.

All right, that's enough talk.

Let's do some fishing.

I'm sure I'll catch a fish

in a couple of minutes.

Two minutes, tops.

Two minutes for high sticking.

[ chuckling ]

[ sniffling ]

you know, gump worsley's

real name was lorne.

And it's just that easy.

Remember, if the women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ sound of reel catching ]

oh, man!

Oh, I've got one!

Oh, boy, she's a big one.

She's a big one.

Let me use the net!

Gonna need the net on this.

[ buzzer ]

[ applause ]

I wanna talk to you middle-aged

guys for a minute.

Remember when you

were 14 years old,

and you went and told

your parents in that real

snotty voice you had

that you were never

gonna turn out like them?

You were never going to

be fat or have a boring job.

And you were going to listen

to jimi hendrix forever.

Remember how surprised you were

when they didn't get mad

or try to get even?

Well, take a look at

yourself right now,

driving that massive gut

home from the

bowling ball factory,

with the radio

playing kenny g. There.

And when you get home your own

kids are gonna tell you

that you are absolutely,

totally out of it.

And just like your parents,

you're not gonna say

anything to them

because you know

you don't have to.

You now realise that parents

don't need to get revenge.

Mother nature will

do it for you.

Oh, yeah.

And I'll tell you

something else...

If she won't,

the police will.

So what you gotta concentrate

on now is your own parents,

who are probably about

a million years old.

I suggest you take the

best care of them you can.

Not so much

because you want to,

but because mother nature

is watching,

and so are your own kids.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ cheering and applause ]

well, our visitors from iowa

started arriving today.

I understand they have

a bit of an accent.

They say 'out' and 'about'

kinda weird.

Other than that, I hope

they're just like the

guys at the lodge;

you know, normal.

Heck, there's only 50 of 'em.

I can keep 50 people

entertained for half an hour.

I've got the ratings

to prove it.

Oh --

oh, dalton I see the

people from iowa are here.

Oh, yeah,

that's them.

They seem fine.

How come they're looking

up in the sky there?

[ laughing ]

I -- I told them the lodge

was named after a possum

that arcs through the sky

every year about this time.

They're watching for it.

[ laughter ]

they're gonna fit

in great up here.

Oh, yeah.

I, uh --

I have some --

something I have

to tell you, red.

Is this personal?

No.

Okay, go ahead.

Uh, this is just

the first wave.

There's 500 of 'em.

What?!

[ laughter ]

they said that if

we send down 50,

that america's got

ten times more people,

so they're gonna

send up 500.

Okay, okay, okay.

That's a load off.

Hey!

Dalton, get back here!

Well, I gotta go.

I'm leaving for

iowa in an hour.

You can't leave me

here with 500 of 'em.

Oh, they won't

bother you.

They're very self-sufficient.

They'll bother me!

I'm the lodge leader.

They'll come to me.

Oh, no, they won't.

These are americans, red.

No, they pay no attention

at all to their leaders.

[ laughter and applause ]

winston rothschild here

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Space, the final frontier;

sewage, the final back tier.

[ applause ]

oh, hey, there,

boys and girls.

I'm just about set with

a brand new animated film.

Hey, I think that my drawings

and characterizations

are getting better and better

all the time, don't you?

Well, heck, if you do, why don't

you write a letter to your local

tv station and tell them?

You know, you might want

to go as far as to say that

ranger gord's animated films are

by far the best part of the

red green show,

and should be a separate and

better show all on their own.

Remember only you can

write a letter like that.

I apparently can't write

a letter like that to

a tv station,

because they always call me

and say they recognize

my handwriting.

Anyway, I'm just

about set here.

Remember, be real.

It's not necessary that you

say the rest of "the red

green show" sucks,

unless you really want to.

Okay, here we go.

Here's your favourite

part of the show.

[ ♪♪ ]

[ ♪ ]

question for you...

Who would win

a race to the moon?

A space alien in

a flying saucer

or myself sitting in

my watchtower?

Is this a trick

question, ranger gord?

Gord, are you nuts?

Red: What's going on here?

Hey, put me down!

Whoa, what are the chances

of that happening?

No time for

math, harold.

To the watchtower!

[ "flying" sounds ]

[ high tech flying sounds ]

engage the sirens,

harold.

[ electronic beeps ]

[ police siren screaming ]

pull over!

Do you realise how

fast you were going?

You were approaching

the speed of light,

my friend.

And school is out.

Aah!

What's this?

Well, harold, looks like this

guy has a license to travel

at any speed

and a license to abduct

small woodland creatures.

You realise you missed one?

Oh, ahh.

Pop your trunk there, buddy.

Don't worry, guys.

Getting an implant in your neck

is a small price to pay

for a trip into

deep space.

You two are

very fortunate.

[ muffled cries from

harold and red ]

[ muffled cries continue ]

you know, folks, I just

assumed that alien was

doing something wrong,

and that's not right.

Never judge a book

by its cover,

or an alien by

what it's doing.

Ha ha ha.

Bye bye.

[ applause ]

[ no audio ]

here's a tip that

will keep your wife happy

if you're late

at a lodge meeting

or a sporting event

or a police lineup

and you know you're not going

to make it home by curfew.

You know these plug-in timers

have been around for

a few years,

but they've never really

reached their full potential

until now.

Let's say on Friday night coming

up your wife's gonna expect

you home at 10:00,

and you know there's no way

you're gonna get there

before midnight.

No problem.

First of all, one day

when she's not home,

take one of these

tape machines,

and record the sound of your

own back door opening

and closing.

[ sound of door opening

and closing ]

now, you rewind the tape;

you unplug her.

You plug it into one

of these timers.

You set the unit

for 10:00 p.M.

You plug her back in.

Because you know by 10:00,

your wife's gonna be lying

in bed just listening for

the sound of that door.

Now, how many married guys

go straight to bed when

they get home?

Not counting newlyweds,

I'd say zero.

So the next sound she's

listening for

is the tv coming on.

Well, that's where your

second timer comes in.

Turn her on there,

set the channel,

and you set the timer

for a minute later.

Just make sure you've got

the tv set for one of

the sports channels.

If terms of endearment

comes on there,

it's all over.

Otherwise,

it's just that easy.

But remember, this is just for

an occasional emergency.

You do this once too often,

your wife's liable to catch on.

Woman on tape:

Honey, is that you?

[ laughter ]

man, I feel like a

stranger in my own town

with all these iowa

people roaming around.

Mind you, they don't

ask for much,

and we got plenty of that.

[ laughter ]

I kind of like having them

around here, to be

honest with you.

I'm actually not missing

the guys all that much.

I -- I'm not

missing them at all.

Actually, I think I might

even prefer it this way.

[ cheering and applause ]

am I having

an hallucination

of some kind here?

Hello, red.

We'd like to

introduce ourselves.

I'm douglas hudson of the

hudson's everything store,

ames, iowa.

Hi, douglas.

How you doing?

[ applause and laughter ]

and this is mark.

Mark, how are you?

Hello, mr green.

Hey, hey, hey!

And this is hector.

Hey?!

And this is vincent of

the oskaloosa sewage and

septic sucking services.

When you play

poker with me,

a flush beats a

full house.

[ cheering and applause ]

now,

this is spooky.

We really enjoy

your television show.

Oh, well,

thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

You guys from iowa

like comedy, do you?

It's comedy?

[ possum squealing ]

all right,

that's the meeting.

Way you go.

You guys go ahead.

I need a moment here.

Oh, my gosh.

[ cheering and applause ]

no! Go! Go!

[ laughter and applause ]

[ whistling and applause ]

okay, if my wife is watching,

that man is not me!

If I hop into bed tonight,

you better check my

personal I.D.,

and I think you know

what I mean by that!

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

real or fake,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

sit, sit.

Sit down.

Red look-alike: All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Real red: Sit down.

All right, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

Okay, guys, I've got

some great news for you.

I know you're supposed to be

going back to iowa today,

but I know you've already

enjoyed yourselves here.

I've decided to extend

the hospitality.

You're all allowed to stay for

another couple of weeks.

[ silence ]

I'm extending that invitation to

each and every one of you.

Now, if for some oddball reason

somebody does need to get back,

you should probably excuse

yourself from the meeting now

and go upstairs before

the buses leave.

Hey, wait, wait wait, wait!

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