The House Raising/Transcript

The complete transcript for The House Raising

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"The House Raising" appears} And now, here's the man who was voted the head of Possum Lodge, 'cause the other body parts were spoken for, your hero, my uncle, Red Green!

''{Harold gestures toward the front door of the lodge, which opens, and Red enters, waving to the cheering audience. Harold dances and grooves in place.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Got some bad news, unfortunately. A bit of a disaster this week at the lodge: Buster Hadfield's house was burned down by his budgie.

HAROLD GREEN: {half-worried} Oh, no! {walks up close to Red} How did that happen? Playing with matches, right?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, you know... Buster lets the little guy out, y'know, from the cage, he lets him fly around, and he eats little bits of potato chips from between the couch cushions, you know? And I guess he got poking around where he shouldn't have, and, uh, before you knew it, he plugged himself into an electrical outlet.

HAROLD GREEN: {shudders} Oh, th-that's awful!

RED GREEN: Yeah, he went up just like a flare, Harold. {raises hand} Fwoop! Didn't even blow a fuse on that one, Harold. And the house burned right to the ground.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, see, that's– that's hardly an accident, Uncle Red, when you guys don't have any smoke detectors, you don't have any fire alarms, no fire safety. Your fire extinguishers are never charged up, or nothin'. It's a wonder there's not more fires around here.

RED GREEN: Didn't even blow a fuse, Harold. That was a dead short.

HAROLD GREEN: Reckless, irresponsible negligence, Uncle Red! Now Buster has no home. {holds up index finger} What did we learn from our most recent disaster?

RED GREEN: Well, we learned that even an adult, fully-grown budgie draws less than fifteen amps.

{Harold throws his head around in exasperation at his uncle's answer and then plays his switcher.}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Bill walking across a high wire while holding a flagpole.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} What you're looking at here is a bunch of segments from this particular show.

''{Cut to a meeting of Men Anonymous in session. Harold steps down from the podium to let Buzz take his place.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} The main message being, "For gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel."

{Cut to Red as he is about to put a door on an outhouse.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell ya something, if you're gonna try and make sense outta this program...

''{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress. Dalton is the contestant and the word is "Wolves".}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...you gotta give it your undivided attention.

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Oh, sometimes I get to thinkin'
 * 'Bout all the mistakes I've made,
 * All the people I've hurt,
 * And all the bills I haven't paid.
 * Sometimes I get to thinkin',
 * I should change and get on the ball.
 * But then I turn on the old TV
 * And I don't get to thinkin' at all.

Commercial bumper
''{A meeting of Men Anonymous is in session. Buzz is standing at the front of the meeting, with Harold standing off to the side.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we got a lot more of it.

Midlife
{Instead of Red, Harold is seen sitting at the desk in the darkened corner of the lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: I wanna talk to you old guys about telling stories that nobody wants to hear. You know, in Hollywood, they actually have a system for telling stories? Say, for instance, you have a movie idea. I've got lots, okay? Okay, but anyway, a professional begins with a concise premise of one or two sentences. Y'know, something like, "A meteorologist and his ex-wife chase tornadoes across the Midwest and {wiggles fingers} a bunch of special effects happen!" ''Haw! {giggles} Now, if people like that, {holds up index finger} and only'' if they like that, you can go on and tell the treatment. And that's like just a little bit longer version; more details. And if they like that, you can go into the full-blown screenplay that lasts for the entire, like, two hours! {laughs} So, you see how they do that? You see, they tell a little bit of the story to see if people are interested. You old guys, you might wanna try that! Next time you go to a mall and you see a bunch of teenagers talking about something really interesting, you know, like the new Alanis Morrisette CD... {gives a double thumbs-up} Rules! So, okay, and, y'know, it reminds you of one of your {makes "air quotes"} "amusing stories", don't launch right into the two-hour version! You know, see if you can get their attention with something like, uh, y'know, {exaggeratedly} "One time I, uh, I had to change a tire in the rain on the way to a wedding." {opens his mouth wide in exaggeration} If you're met with cold stares, don't tell the story! Move on, pitch out another idea! {exaggeratedly again} "Did I tell you kids about the time I stepped in a birthday cake? {opens mouth exaggeratedly again} Dahh!" Now, if they're interested, and I mean, only if they're interested, go on with the little bit longer version. But, y'know, as far as the two-hour version is concerned, trust me, we're willing to wait for the video. Remember, you're on your own. Don't push it.

Commercial bumper: Fan contribution
''{Several painting sticks from Ace Hardware ("The Paintin' Place") are duct-taped together with red- and green-colored duct tape to form a crude picture frame. Inside is the Possum Lodge oath ("QUANDO OMNI FLUNCUS [sic] MORITATI") done in needlepoint.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's the Possum Lodge oath, all done in needlepoint, sent to us by a viewer.

Red's Teen Talk
{Outside the lodge, Red is seen wearing a yellow slicker and tearing through an old dried bush.}

RED GREEN: I wanna tell you teenagers, you're not fooling anybody! Your parents know what you're doing. You think they don't know where you're going? What you're up to? The kind of people you're hanging out with? They know. It was not that long ago, they were doing the same things themselves. They just don't want you to know; otherwise, you'd think less of them. But believe me, they know. Are you with a parent now, huh? You see that grin? {chuckles} They may say they don't know, but they know, and now you know that they know. If they won't admit that you know that they know that they know that you know, ask your grandparents, 'cause they really know. And if they say they don't remember, that just means your parents have bought 'em off somehow, or maybe there's a court order and no one can talk. You know what that means. Your parents were big-time problem teenagers. That's going to increase the slack on your leash by a hundred miles! Believe me, I know!

Plot Segment 5
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Around here, people get down,

but they don't stay down.

We're gonna turn buster's fire

into an opportunity.

You going into

the charcoal business?

No, harold -- we're gonna do

what the pioneers did.

You're moving to california?! --

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Maybe I can meet spielberg.

I got this idea, this treatment.

The treatment's not working.

(laughing)

think back to the pioneers,

ok.

What did they do

when the guy next door's house

burned down?

Keep their own houses wet.

Harold, they'd all pitch in

and build the guy a new house.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, ok,

like a barn raising.

Except this is buster's house.

No, you know, I think

barn raising is a good analogy.

You know who does that is

the amish and the mennonites.

Instead of a bunch of

devout craftsmen,

it's going to be a gang

of drunks.

Well, I figure it will go

a lot faster.

ok, for

a free chiropractic adjustment

at arnie's autobody shop,

uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get mr. Humphrey

to say this word,

"wolves".

Ooooh, go!

Ok, dalton, these are

like dogs, only bigger.

My wife's side of the family.

No.

These are animals, dalton.

They travel in packs.

Yeah, that's my wife's side

of the family.

Come on, come on.

These are like a fox,

only bigger.

Bigger teeth.

My wife's side of the family.

Why do you keep saying that?

Just feels good, that's all!

No, no, stop it.

These are wild animals.

They howl at the moon,

eat rats, travel in groups,

and hunt out

the weak and the sick.

I'm gonna have to go with

my original answer on this.

These animals

hardly ever hurt humans.

Oh.

You're gonna have to give me

another clue on that one.

Describe your wife's side

of the family eating.

Wolves.

That was

it!

This week on

"handyman corner",

we're gonna do one of

the most common,

and yet, one of the most

difficult handyman projects.

We're gonna hang a door.

Here we have

a portable washroom

whose door has been ripped off

during some kind of

a gastronomical emergency.

And over here, we have a door.

So what we've got to do

is get these two together.

First, make sure that the door

is the same size as

the hole it's gotta go in.

No -- a little too tall.

So, we'll just mark her,

and...

No lead in my pencil.

We've all be there,

haven't we?

I'll tell ya,

car key works just as well.

Mark her up...

And then cut off the excess.

All right,

got our door cut now.

All we gotta do

is mark where the hinges go,

stick them on.

Oh.

You see the problem

we got here.

We've cut far enough

into the door

that we're into

the hollow section,

that's no good,

'cause we'll get rain and

shingles and hornet's nests,

anything that falls off --

but, you know,

there's a real simple solution.

Flip her over.

Just mark where the hinges go,

and stick 'em on there.

I've got the hinges marked.

I got to cut these out.

Ordinarily,

I would use a chisel,

but, I don't have a chisel.

I did have a chisel, but

I had it for more than a week,

so it's more of a screwdriver.

That's what happens when

you use them as a hammer.

I'm going to use

the hinge itself.

That way I know

I'll have a perfect fit.

You might want to have a couple

of extra hinges, just in case.

We're all set.

Just... Attach our hinges

to our door jamb,

just like this.

See what you've done here?

You've mounted the hinges

on the wrong side.

Now the door is going to

open in.

That's not going to work.

Plus, real dangerous in a fire.

And around the lodge

we have plenty of those.

You know what?

Dead easy to fix.

Not that easy.

I find it a lot easier to put

the screws in with a hammer

than it is getting

all those blisters

from a screwdriver --

oh, no, that's a chisel.

So just take her over now,

and mount her

on the side there.

And just... Horse her in.

And she's just that easy.

Isn't that a beautiful job?

You can make a few--

there's always adjustments.

You can cut that off --

no, that's not gonna work.

I got an idea.

(engine starting)

where there's a van

there's a way.

Beautiful, beautiful job.

So remember, if women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least find you

handy.

They'll find me in the shed.

(door handle rattling)

ahh.

two hours ago, buster's house

was a smouldering ruin.

Now his new place is ready

to move in.

When the lodge members

come together,

there's nothing we can't do.

Big whoop!

Putting up a house -- waaahh!

It was a pre-fab home.

It arrived in a truck,

taken off by a crane.

All they did was sit around

in lawn chairs

and heckle

the poor crane operator.

Guy got so nervous,

he didn't put it

on buster's property.

(audience laughing)

harold, when somebody

says "shut up",

it's not advice

you can take or leave.

You're supposed to do it.

I give you advice

and you don't take it.

We're not

equals, harold.

I know, but I don't hold that

over you.

(laughing)

buster's house is where

it should be, thanks to us.

We chipped in

and buster got a great deal.

A home, huh?

It's a houseboat.

Hey, hey, come on!

Buster's kids got a roof

over their head,

a back porch big enough

to take an outboard motor,

and a basement

that will never flood.

It's the ugliest thing

I've ever seen.

Show some respect --

that's buster's house.

It's more like

buster's ark.

Well, if it is, harold,

you can't get on it

'cause we'll never find

two like you.

(audience laughing)

um... Hi, my name's buzz.

I'm a man.

(harold):

Hey, buzz!

Hi, buzz.

Um... I acted like a guy

yesterday.

(red): Oh, boy.

I really couldn't

help myself, right?

She's got this food processor

and it broke.

It was stuck on "mince".

She said, "I'll take that

to the repair shop."

I said, "whoa! Let me fix it!"

she said, "no! Thank you.

"remember what you did

to my t.V.?

"remember what you did

to my blow-dryer?

"remember what you did to my

typewriter and yogurt-maker?"

I said, "what's the point?"

she said, "so..."

I said, "I won't touch it."

she left it on the counter,

a broken food processor.

How can women do that?

You gotta take it apart

and see what's wrong!

You gotta!

I didn't touch it.

All week, I walked by.

It's taunting me,

talking to me.

It's saying, "I'm broken --

you can't touch me.

"you can't fix me."

I wanted to take-- I didn't.

One night, I snapped.

She went out to bingo

and I got my tools out.

I took that food processor

and I ripped 'er wide open!

I-I-I couldn't fix it,

you know.

(audience laughing)

but I put it back together

and it looked almost exactly

the same as it used to.

You know... She came home.

She took one look at me.

She looked at the blender.

She said, "you tried

to fix it, didn't you?"

(harold): Aww!

What gave you away?

The duct tape.

(audience laughing)

"a poem by alfred,

lord tennyson... Green.

"half a league, half a league,

half a league onward,

"all in the valley of death

rode the 600,

"theirs not to make reply,

theirs not to reason why,

"theirs but to do and die.

"into the jaws of death,

"into the mouth of hell,

rode the 600.

"boy, that was the best ever

pay-per-view 'wrestlemania.'"

And then, you know

what happens, he thinks,

"wouldn't it be fun to bounce?"

which he often says

at parties and

he gets going too much

there goes the pole and

the blocks fall and he goes

like a slingshot.

Away you go, bill!

Oh, oh, oh! Oh, boy!

Ohhh!

By golly, now,

that has gotta hurt.

That's why, at the circus,

you pay up-front.

All right, there, bill?

Ohhh...

He'll be on his bike awhile,

I'd say.

I said that wasn't

buster's property.

I said, "you're building

on the wrong land.

"buster's ends at the fence."

I told you!

Why didn't you tell me

when the crane was here

and we could move the house?

I told you when

you picked the spot!

I said, "buster's property ends

at the fence."

why didn't you say it louder?

I did say it louder

and I said it several times.

You told me to shut up.

Why didn't you persist?

You can't stop doing something

just 'cause somebody tells you

to shut up.

If I persist--

oh, shut up, harold.

Well, anyway,

we got buster's house now

50 feet off his property.

We wanted to pick a good site

with a nice view

and a ways up from the smoking

ruin of his old place.

Now we gotta move his house,

do the old change-of-address

thing.

You're gonna drag

that houseboat

over 50 feet of rocky,

well-treed land?

We're not stupid, harold.

(audience laughing)

junior singleton says

if we grease the hill,

we can slide 'er down.

it's "male call"!

(audience laughing)

ok.

Our first letter is from

mr. Pea ches in atlanta.

Who?

Mr. Pea ches

in atlanta.

Peaches? Is that the name?

Yeah, pea ches -- hoo-hoo!

"dear red, my brother mat ches

and I are fans of your show."

matches? Her brother's name

is matches?

Who?

Peaches.

Pea ches is a he.

A boy named peaches?!

What parents name their boys

peaches and matches?

Well... Well, let's see.

Their parents' names

are ret ches and bel ches.

Retches

and belches?

Where do these

names come from?

They're southern people --

they included a family photo.

That's the whole ches family.

There's ret and bel,

pea and mat.

Peaches, matches,

retches, and belches.

Sounds like a law firm.

Makes you want to

settle out of court.

Well, good news.

We solved the problem of

buster's new house being built

on somebody else's property.

With a little ingenuity,

we got his house

on the right side

of the boundary line.

You moved that houseboat

over 50 feet?

No, we moved the fence

over 50 feet.

No, uncle red,

you can't do that!

That's someone

else's property.

It's flinty mcclintock's

property -- he didn't mind.

He moved his far fence

45 feet onto moose thompson's.

Then moose moved his fence

over 40 feet

and bob stuyvesant's 35

and so on,

all the way down the line.

Everybody gave up five feet

and got their fence repaired.

That's what neighbours are for.

Wow, that's neat,

uncle red.

That's a real

pioneer spirit.

I am very

impressed.

You may not be.

The last five feet was onto

your parents' property

and your bedroom

was right on the line

so your bedroom is now

on someone else's land

and you are

old man sedgwick's son.

(audience laughing)

(possum squeal)

meeting time.

Are you still

my uncle?

You go down

and say hello to dad.

Ohhhh!

If my wife is watching,

I've had quite a day.

I put out a burning house,

buried a budgie,

replaced a house

with a houseboat,

and re-drew the boundary lines

across the whole community.

You know what?

I deserve a reward.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold sedgwick

and the gang at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(harold): Stand up!

Rise and shine!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): What's on your mind,

harold?

(harold): You know

that commercial, it says

four out of five dentists

recommend sugarless gum?

That 5th dentist is moving here

so you can eat

whatever you want.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!