The Illegal Clubs/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: We invite you and yours

to join us and ours

for the next 30 minutes

on "the red green show"!

You know, time is money,

and this is only half an hour,

but it seems a lot longer,

you know,

so it's really a bargain.

And I love doing this show.

I couldn't do it

without my uncle.

And, well, because he's

the head honcho around here.

That is, until, of course,

he realizes

that he's actually past it,

and that's the day

that I get to take over.

Wa-a-a!

But until that time,

here's the head honcho,

the big guy

with the twinkle in his eye,

and in the twilight

of his career,

the current host

of "the red green show,"

mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you.

Welcome to possum lodge.

That intro made me

feel 20 years younger.

Well, I'm glad to hear

that you feel 50 again.

Wa-a-a!

You need me around here.

'cause without me,

you couldn't do this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

and if I could,

I wouldn't, harold.

Something going on

with bob stuyvesant

this week up at the lodge.

He's real excited

about something or other.

Well,

maybe it's his job.

You know, he works

for natural resources.

Well, what could be exciting

about that, harold,

other than

the government pension?

Well, maybe, just maybe,

he's, like, created

some new oversized vegetable.

No, harold, but I think

your parents may have.

Why are you being

so cruel to me?

What did I ever do to you?

Well, that introduction

comes to mind.

Fair enough.

No, there's only two things

that excite a man --

expensive toys

and real expensive toys.

Now, with bob, I'd say this toy

has something to do with golf

since he happens to be

a golfaholic-amaniac.

You think maybe he bought,

like, a golf course?

Well, if he did, harold,

I'm gonna go work

for natural resources.

Oh, yeah, right.

Too expensive, isn't it?

Well, maybe he bought

a golf ball, you know?

One of those orange ones

with the huge dimples on it.

Could be like that.

Or designer tees.

Maybe got designer tees.

They make designer tees?

They made designer tees,

he probably got those.

Or a megaphone.

Maybe he got a megaphone.

And then he could just yell

"fore" really loud.

You know, like, "fore!"

fore, fore, fore,

fore, fore!

'cause he got, like --

but, yeah, okay,

how is he gonna hold a megaphone

and his clubs?

Yeah.

You know what it could be?

Like, a customized

hat-mounted mini-megaphone

and it automatically dispenses

tees right into the ground!

Bang, bang, bang,

bang, bang!

It's one of those!

That's what he got!

That's so great!

[ laughs ]

harold, maybe you should just go

right into the next segment.

There's already

too much violence on television.

Yeah, okay.

That was good, uncle red,

the way you picked up on that

and kept things moving

and everything.

That's good, you know.

It shows you mellowed.

Shut up, harold.

You slipped back

a little bit there, though.

Hey, bob, that new set of clubs

came in today.

I brought them over.

Oh, that's great news,

murray!

[ chuckles ]

this might be the set

that helps me break par.

Yeah.

Or even break 100.

You've never broken 100?

Well, not on

nine consecutive holes, no.

Okay, bring them in,

dwayne!

Oh, great.

All right,

that'll be $200 plus tax,

and then there's

shipping and handling,

delivery charges from the store

over to here.

Let's just call that

an even $400, huh?

All right.

Will you take a check?

Hmm.

Oh, it's

a government check.

I'm buying these for the

department of natural resources.

Oh.

I use them at work,

you know,

for checking out nature

and stuff.

[ chuckles ]

cash.

Fine. I'm gonna need

a receipt.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

Come on, dw-- oh.

I love the smell

of new clubs.

Smells like victory.

Yeah.

All right, look.

Your receipt is in the pocket

with the tees, okay?

Happy hacking.

Let's go, dwayne.

Thanks, murray.

You're welcome.

Wait a minute.

Well,

these are all woods.

So?

Well,

where are the irons?

Well, who needs irons?

Oh, trust me.

These clubs are gonna bring

your score right down.

Well...

I can't golf

with all drivers.

Have you ever tried golfing

with just drivers?

No.

Huh?

Well, have you ever played

a good game of golf?

No.

Well, then what do you know?

Come on, just try them out.

One round, huh?

Th-- th-- they're all --

they're all drivers!

I mean, there's no irons,

there's not even a putter!

Oh, there's a putter

in here.

Oh, dwayne?

You left the putter

in the back of the truck.

Oh, sorry.

Get yourself another set

of golf clubs, did you, bob?

Bob: Yeah.

Murray's selling me

these miracle clubs.

They're supposed to reduce

my score by half.

Or even to par.

All that with

a money-back guarantee.

Oh, really?

You're actually guaranteeing

something you sell, murray?

Well, why not?

You know, if it doesn't

work out, I'll take them back.

If it does, I've unloaded

a set of left-handed clubs.

What?

Lefts?!

Well, these are all lefts!

I golf right-handed, murray!

Well, just try it once.

I can't golf backwards!

How could I do this

and expect a half-decent score?!

Have you ever

golfed backwards?

No.

Have you ever had

a half-decent score?

No.

All right.

I guess I'll try them.

I've tried

just about everything else.

That's great.

What could possibly go wrong,

I guess?

That's right.

So, what?

So you take 200 strokes

in 9 holes, huh?

Yeah, well, at least it's

a step in the right direction.

All right,

I'll give them a try.

Good.

When no one else is around.

I don't know.

Might be just crazy enough

to do the trick.

Here's the putter.

Red: Oh, boy.

[ guitar and drums playing ]

♪ they say on the river

where a long time ago ♪

♪ the paddle wheelers would come

steaming to and fro ♪

♪ they'd wave

and they'd whistle ♪

♪ as they headed

for the locks ♪

♪ and they'd plow over

a bunch of swimmers ♪

♪ and wipe out

all the docks ♪

♪ they'd leave arms and legs

and deck chairs in their wake ♪

♪ with that much polluting ♪

♪ no wonder they're banned

from the lake ♪

♪ a long time ago,

in the rivers and... ♪

♪ and the paddle wheelers

and come... ♪

red: This week

in the "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

how you can make

your own cheap transportation.

You know, what with the price

of cars getting up there

where it's,

I believe, well over $500 now,

and even a motorcycle's

gonna cost you $90, eh?

So I say, why not do

what the handyman does?

[ clears throat ]

build yourself a moped.

I picked up this bike

for about 5 bucks

down at the police auction.

If that's too much for you,

you can get one for free

over at the public schools

during nap time,

or as they call it,

history class.

Now...

All you need

is some extra chain,

a couple of rolls of

the handyman's secret weapon,

duct tape,

and something to use as a motor.

I'm gonna use a chain saw,

but you could use

an outboard motor.

Or, if you don't care

about going real slow,

you could use

one of them garage-door openers.

Okay, now, first step is

you got to get the pedals

and the chain --

[ straining ] oh, boy --

off the bike.

[ clears throat ]

okay, now, there's a --

there's a trick to this.

Okay, I don't think

that's the trick.

All righty.

You know, there might be

some kind of a wrench

or something you use on these.

Well...

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Nope.

[ sighs ]

this is gonna have

a lot of miles on it

by the time I'm done.

All right, don't try sawing

that off with a hacksaw.

You'll just ruin

a perfectly good hacksaw blade.

Harold had the right wrench

in his bike kit.

Get that off.

Save these pedals, though,

'cause next week

we're gonna show you

how to make a foot-powered

egg slicer.

[ clanging ]

all right.

Uh, next step is

to get the chain off the saw.

[ groans ]

now, uh,

you'll find there's a...

There's one special link

on the chain

that just comes apart.

And can you pry that open

or you can cut it off with snips

or, uh, if you have

a heavy vehicle at all,

just back right over

the darn thing.

[ cat yowls ]

okay, now we're ready to mount

the engine right onto the bike.

Now...

I was gonna bolt this

onto the frame of the bike,

but I'm not sure

how that would work.

And at this point, I have

no idea what I was thinking of.

So I think what I'll do is

I'll use a few c-clamps

and a little bit more of

the handyman's secret weapon --

duct tape.

And when you put it on,

make sure you snug her up

real good.

You don't want this thing

whipping off between your legs

at 50 miles an hour.

Or maybe you do.

You know.

Duct tape is great stuff,

isn't it?

You can build a house

with this stuff.

Just make sure

you smooth her down good.

Nothing says poor craftsman

like lumpy tape.

Another word of caution to you.

You want to put a little bit

of slack in the chain,

but not too much,

'cause you don't want

that chain flopping around,

whapping into whatever

you've got flopping around.

Okay. It's a real eye-catcher,

isn't it?

Can you imagine driving

through the park in this?

They're gonna see you.

Well, let's give her a go.

[ engine turns over ]

there you have it.

Nothing to it, nothing.

I got nothing.

I forgot to tell you

to be sitting on the bike

when you start it.

Anyway, remember,

till next time --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Oh, by golly,

the texas moped massacre.

[ engine humming ]

"it is winter.

"I shovel my driveway.

The snowplow passes.

"the driver smiles

a wintry smile

"and waves a hand

"as he fills my driveway

with snow again.

I wave back with my finger."

hi, red.

Bob.

Been on the course,

have you?

The course?

Yeah.

Oh, yes, the course.

Yeah, I went out

for a quick 18.

How did your new

left-handed woods work out?

Oh, well, better

than I expected, you know.

Ask me how much better.

All right,

how much better?

Six under par.

Wa-a-a! No way!

Yeah, 18 holes,

66 strokes.

Whoo!

How did you

manage that?

Well, two birdies, an eagle,

and a hole-in-one on the 5th.

On the dogleg?

On the dogleg.

No one has ever done that

on the course! No one!

Oh, I was great!

Ha ha!

I was great!

You should have seen me!

One stroke, bang,

right onto the green.

I sank a 20-foot putt.

With, you know,

a goalie stick.

By the 12th hole,

I had 40 guys following me

around and applauding.

Applauding me!

An eagle!

Can you believe this?!

Oh, man, oh, man!

Way to go, bob! That's great!

Congratulations!

Those are some miracle clubs

there, bob.

Well, it's not just

the clubs, red.

It was magic.

Serendipity.

It was the greatest day

of my life.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

You'll never have

another game like that again.

I know. I know.

This was the greatest day

of my life.

You know, I could play golf

for another hundred years

and never have a game

like that again, ever.

I mean, this was

the greatest day of my life!

This was it!

It happened!

From now on, it's all...

It's all downhill.

I'll never play a game

like that ever again.

I did it.

I had a dream, and...

Now it's over.

I have nothing left

to live for, do I?

Sure you do, bob,

sure you do.

Well, how can you beat

six under par?

Seven under par?

Sorry.

Sure,

seven under par.

I used to take seven strokes

just for one hole!

I mean, I may improve

just a bit more,

but never like I did today.

Oh, it's all over!

[ crying ]

what am I gonna do now?

Well, you can grab your putter

and take up hockey.

Red: Last week

on "adventures with bill,"

bill said he wanted to do

some fishing.

So I took

the fishing and line down,

but he had something else

totally in mind.

I've never seen one of these.

I heard about them.

It's a kind of a rig that you

don't need a boat to go fishing.

You put these big, huge --

they don't call 'em flippers,

but they look like flippers.

But if they called them

flippers,

they couldn't charge as much.

Put them on your feet,

and then you put the rig

in there.

And he's just showing --

they go on just --

oh, oh.

Well, I guess they don't go on

quite as easy as flippers.

But they come off a lot easier.

Anyway, he's gonna have one

engine instead of two, I guess.

And what you do is,

almost like a diaper thing,

you step into the rig

and it's basically a portable

fishing boat kind of...

No.

Well, oh...

Boy, you don't want to be a fish

looking up at that point.

Okay.

Oh, well, we know where

we're going with this, don't we?

Yeah.

And he lost his tube.

And it's called a float tube.

That's why I say that.

Now, this time,

go in from the ladder

where it's a little bit lower,

and get the one foot in there,

and then try to get the other --

try to put the other foot

in there, too.

No, that's only one.

Bill, that's just one.

Whoa!

No, no, no.

It's amazing you still

want to go fishing after --

now he's gonna just put it on

on the dock

and then just jump in.

But the flipper,

it hooked in between the boards.

He didn't notice that.

I tried to point it out to him,

but he just...

Whoa!

[ gurgling ]

you know,

you pay for not listening.

Anyway, he finally got

into it there,

and he wanted some help,

'cause he had --

you know, something handy around

the dock, like a boat hook,

is such a handy thing.

You never know

what you're gonna use it for.

Now, what I want to do

is hand him all --

'cause there's compartments

in the float tube.

You can put your tackle box

in there and your thermos

and a flashlight.

'cause you don't know how long

he's gonna be out there.

And the bait,

I just kind of threw in there.

I thought it might

keep him awake, you know.

And the fishing rod.

And he's ready to rip.

There's a little apron

on the front

that goes up

to keep everything dry.

And even with the one flipper,

he could get out

to where he wanted to fish,

and hey, look there.

So I thought

I'd just take the boat out

and kind of go out and join him,

you know.

It looked like kind of fun.

Plus, I had brought

my fishing rod, as I said.

And if he caught --

what do you do

with a real big one, anyway?

He wanted me to come on over,

but you know, by golly,

when you get

the 9.9 opened up there,

it kind of raises the bow

a certain extent.

And she wasn't running

real good.

It seemed to me

she was running rich,

and I'm trying to adjust

the mixture on that.

'cause you're running rich,

you're gonna burn a lot of gas.

And...

Ugh!

And -- oh, oh -- the thing was,

I never did see bill.

And I went way up the lake.

I hope he's okay.

Well, buster hadfield and I

went down to the store

to ask murray

about the stolen clubs.

Of course,

murray denied everything

before we'd even asked.

Dwayne nodded a lot

and then he sold buster

a fishing hat

that he'd made out of a guitar.

Buster has trouble finding hats.

But that small,

round head of his

fit perfectly

into the sound hole.

The neck kind of going

straight out here,

and three strings

under each ear.

He looked like somebody who'd

stood too close to the stage

during a pete townshend

guitar solo.

On the way back to the lodge,

he was doing barre chords

with his comb,

and he got caught

in a crosswind that produced

about the loudest "e" minor 7th

I've ever heard.

Oh, uncle red, excuse me,

but this has very little

or nothing, actually, to do

with bob's midlife crisis

and his golf clubs.

I think your mind

is kind of wandering there.

Well, my mind may wander,

harold,

but at least

it gets out once in a while.

Okay, so, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

The two "e" pegs kind of shot up

buster's nose there --

[ screeching ]

oh, saved by the possum!

It's meeting time.

Come on, uncle red.

Let's get downstairs

and see what's going on.

Yeah, okay, well, I'll just head

down to the lodge meeting here.

We're gonna try and find

a new hobby for bob.

I wonder if he'd like

harold's job.

Excuse me a minute.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

harold: All rise.

Wa-a-a!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Would all members

please remove their hats?

[ guitar strings plucking ]

thank you, buster.

The floor recognizes

noel christmas.

Thank you, red.

Red...

I've got proof

that bob's new clubs are hot.

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

I'm sorry, bob.

I-I couldn't have known.

But remember,

caveat emptor.

Oh, I don't care.

Well, bob, I'm gonna have to

impound those as evidence

and take them down

to the station.

Sorry.

All right, here.

[ indistinct murmuring ]

I want my money back,

though, murray.

Oh, sorry,

no can do, bob.

The goods have been confiscated,

you see.

One more point.

Bob, murray, dwayne,

you're all under arrest

for dealing in stolen goods.

Oh!

What?!

Are you accusing us of knowingly

dealing with stolen goods?!

Wait a minute, I didn't even

know that they were stolen!

Yeah,

he wasn't even there

when the guy who swiped them

came to the store.

I-I mean,

we don't know anything.

We don't know anything.

All right, bob,

you can go free. Go on.

Murray, dwayne,

you're under arrest.

We didn't know

they were stolen!

Now, this guy

just came into the store,

he said he was gonna become

a missionary and work in africa,

and he wanted to sell off his

collection of left-handed clubs

to finance

his missionary work.

And buy a new hat.

He went to africa.

Yeah, he got

a missionary position.

You got any proof?

Huh?

I mean, can anybody here

corroborate this story?

[ indistinct talking ]

well, I think a refund might

refresh my memory, murray.

Oh, huh, well,

how about a half a refund

and a game of golf

with divot brain here?

Well, noel, I was there.

It's all true.

This guy

was going to africa

to convert heathens

and stuff like that.

And murray bought his clubs,

just to help him out.

That's your story.

Well, it is

at this point, yeah.

Fine.

I'll be watching you.

I will be watching you.

Oh, no --

[ crash ]

well, if there's

no other lodge business...

...Then I, uh, call on bob here

to give us

the meeting's entertainment.

I think you got kind of

a new lease on life here, bob.

[ applause ]

well...

Thank you very much, red.

Well, I...

I guess I'm a man

with a purpose again.

I realize

that it was those clubs.

I mean, anyone could get

a six under par score

with those clubs.

Well, I think everybody learned

a little something tonight,

and the beauty of it is

it'll be totally lost on them

by tomorrow morning.

Bob will go back

to being bob.

Murray will go back

to being murray.

Harold will

go back to being harold.

But I'll fix them.

I'll go back to being me.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting tonight,

and buster hadfield

is gonna serenade us

outside the bedroom window

with his hat.

So be sure and have

a few potted plants ready.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

right at the first hole,

I stepped up to the tee,

the first tee,

but I hit this ball,

and I just felt

that right at that moment,

this was not going to be

a regular golf game.

So I had

the ball down there,

and I could feel the energy

coming from the ball,

going right up through my club.

So when I pulled back,

it's not like

I was even playing golf at all.

It was more like I was --

oh, I don't know --

flying or something.

It just seemed much,

much more natural to me.

Anyway, that ball just took off

and arched perfectly

just perpendicular to my body,

arched right...