Y2 Cans/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, it's a great feeling

when you can take something

and make it better.

And believe me,

that's a rare thing

for a middle-aged, married

person to be able

to pull off.

But I think

I've done it here.

I've taken this

windshield wiper

and mounted it

on a suction cup.

I've got a lead sinker

attached to the end,

using the handyman's

secret weapon.

Now, we all have

wipers on the front

to keep the

windshield clear.

But wouldn't it be better

if you could see out

all your windows?

Now, you mount these babies

on each of the windows.

They swing up

on the suction cup,

and then the lead sinker

brings them back down.

Now all we need is something

that will make them move.

I know, you've already

guessed it, haven't you?

That's right,

a model train.

I stuck an old ice scraper

across the cow-catcher here

and that'll knock

the wiper handles

every time ol' 49 here

goes rumblin' by.

I also have complete

control over the speed

of my auxiliary wiper system

with this train transformer.

I can set her

from shunting speed

all the way

to full speed ahead.

And I'm running the whole

deal off the car battery,

got it hooked up to the

cigarette lighter here.

I can even do this.

That's my intermittent.

Okay, I think it's time

for my demonstration,

but you're going to have

to use your imaginations

a fair bit here.

Pretend I'm on the highway.

Pretend it's raining.

And pretend

this actually works.

[ applause ]

[ cheering and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Got a bit of a project going

on up at the lodge this week.

Harold wants us to get

rid of all the junk

that's lying around here.

But I say, no, we just

need another shed.

Usually we just

make our own sheds.

We just stand

a bunch of canoes up,

duct tape them together.

And I want to buy one of

those fancy steel sheds

they got on sale down

at the lumber yard.

Now all we gotta do is find a

way to raise the cash.

You know, if those people

would take a cheque,

none of this

would be necessary.

Red, red, I think

I got the answer.

You remember all those cans of

food we put in the basement

for that y2k scare?

Yeah.

Oh, remember that, eh?

The sky is falling.

Okay, well you know,

we could sell these

for some money.

We've got hundreds

of these things.

Well, they haven't got

any labels, dalton.

Oh, all right.

We have the labels.

No, no, no,

we just don't know

which cans they came off.

Well, you know, that

would cut into the

sales potential,

I would think,

dalton.

You leave that to me.

It's marketing, red.

You don't know

much about marketing.

Well, I know a can

of corn is $1.69.

It's shiny, and it's

got a label on it.

So how much would I

pay for a rusty can

of who knows what?

You know a penny

sounds high to me.

Well, that's the thing.

You don't sell the steak.

You sell the sizzle.

Steak and sizzle

come in cans, do they?

Red,

it's a metaphor.

We're going to sell these

grab-bag surprise packages.

It's a lottery, huh!

Oh, so you buy a can.

You're kind of hoping

that it's peas,

but if you're lucky,

it might even be carrots.

Caviar, red.

Is that it?

It could be caviar.

No, no, dalton.

Hang on a second.

If you're going to add

a can of caviar

into the mix,

that's going to cost

you an extra 300 bucks.

You see, I don't have

to provide caviar, red.

I have to provide the

possibility of caviar.

[ laughing maniacally ]

you know, I think

he's looking at the

possibility of jail time.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

and today's winner will

receive one free shoe shine.

Your choice, one right shoe

or one left shoe.

Close your ears, harold.

Okay, red, you've got

30 seconds

to get harold to say

this word...

Yeah,

all right, dalton.

And go!

Okay, harold,

this is something

all men like to have.

Excuses.

No, um, this is

a physical thing.

If you looked at the arms

of most of the guys

at the lodge,

what do you see?

Tattoos.

Scars.

Burnt hair.

Burnt hair!

No. No. No.

Ring it!

This is a

body part, okay?

And moose thompson

has real big ones.

I'm not allowed in

the communal shower.

I don't know.

Yeah, okay.

Time's almost up, red.

You know, uh,

harold,

if women see a real

good looking man

they'll say, "boy, I'd

really like to see his..."

portfolio.

Remember we went to the

steakhouse last week?

And to get your knife through

the beef you had to

use all your...

I don't eat red meat.

I had the mussels.

That's it!

That's it!

[ applause ]

seems like everybody

likes to look wealthy.

Some guys do it with clothes

or cars or jewellery.

Some guys

do it with wives.

Some guys

do it with empties.

To me, there's nothing

that says money

more than having

a riding lawn mower.

So this time,

on handyman corner,

I'm going to show you

how you can build

your own stylish,

and yet extremely

affordable, riding mower.

Okay, all you need

is an eavestrough,

a chunk of two-by-six,

a gas push mower,

a garage door opener,

and, of course,

a toilet plunger.

Step one, you want to put

an extra handle on

your mower there

so you can

swing both ways.

Then you run your two-by-six

right through the two of them.

That becomes the

mounting platform for

your pulling mechanism.

It also doubles

as a seat.

I would say

don't even sand that.

Slivers may hurt a little,

but they sure keep you

from sliding off.

All right, the next thing

you want to do is

take your garage door opener

and your eavestrough

and mount them dead

centre on the two-by-six.

No, let me rephrase that.

The insurance company

doesn't like to hear things

like dead centre,

or bleed the lines,

or I'm gonna use

the big hammer.

You know, every lawng mower

has a little generator in it

to make the

spark plug go.

So I'm using some

of that electricity

to run my

garage door opener.

Probably not exactly

the right voltage,

but I find

with electricity,

you don't have

to be all that close.

Now, when you mount your

garage door opener on there,

make sure you do it

with just one bolt.

That way it

can swing around.

I'll show

you why later.

Okay, now get all the

cable out of the opener

and attach the end of it

to your toilet plunger.

Now all you need is something

to shoot that plunger

out of there.

Gotta be something strong,

but stretchy.

Oh, I know just the --

yeah, um, doctor told

me to wear these.

Said they'd

improve my circulation.

Boy, was he wrong.

When I have them on, women

don't even want to talk to me.

Okay, so I position the

launcher into my rocket silo,

and then I drop my

arrow in there,

aim her all up,

and we're ready

for a demonstration.

I'll show you

how she works.

[ breathing heavily ]

[ mower starting ]

all right, now, we just

take our plunger

and we aim her

at something solid.

Like, say,

a dog house.

Okay, now, of course,

we want to head back

the other way.

So we swing our firing

device all the way around.

We aim at something else.

I'm thinking maybe that

mailbox on the other

side of the street.

[ applause ]

I want to talk to you

older guys out there.

You know, as we age,

the line between "with it,

middle-aged guy,"

and "out-of-it,

hopeless geezer"

starts to blur.

Now, I know there's no way

that you're a geezer,

but maybe some

of your friends

are starting to

show the telltale signs,

start saying things like,

"I remember when they'd

deliver that with a horse."

or, "I see bell bottoms are

coming back in style."

or, "computers make

your brain go soft."

actually, computers do

make your brain go soft,

but it takes a geezer

to notice it.

Not that there's anything

wrong with being a geezer.

I mean, some of the

best lawn ornaments

and clothes peg recipe card

holders are made by geezers.

But I'm just thinking you're

not quite ready to

join the club

where the dues are paid

in balls of old string.

No, sir, you've got years

in the fast lane ahead of you

before you pull off

on the exit to geezerdom.

But what do you do if some of

your friends aren't so lucky?

Well, you do everything you

can to make them feel

like they're still hip

and happening.

If you see them heading off

to the mall in their

bedroom slippers,

you do the same thing.

Just so they won't

feel out of place.

If they show you their

collection of hotel soaps,

you've got to admire it

and show them yours.

And never ever tell them

they've become a geezer.

They might do the same

for you some day.

Maybe they already have.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

Okay, mike.

I'm here. Now what?

Red, you got to figure out

a way to get me out of here.

Red: I assume coming out

the front door is out

of the question.

That's very astute of you.

Red: Mike, how do you get

yourself into these shamozles?

She said her dad would

be away all weekend

and he wasn't coming

home until Monday.

And get this,

he's my parole officer.

Small world, isn't it?

Yeah, small world,

small jail cell.

Yeah, well, that's

where you come in.

Go to the front door

and start talking to him.

And that'll give me the chance

to sneak out the back way.

And I'll meet you

back in the possum van.

Okay.

What am I supposed

to tell him?

Say that I sent you with

a message for his daughter,

that I knew she wanted

to go out with me tonight,

but I didn't

think it was right,

so I stayed

home to read my bible.

You expect him

to believe that?

Well, it's

been my experience

that parole officers will

believe pretty well anything.

Red: Okay.

[ knocking ]

yeah, I got a message

for your daughter.

She wanted to

go out with mike,

but he's not going

to be coming.

He's staying home reading

the old testament.

So he won't be

dropping around.

Just wanted

to let you know that.

Okay, fine.

Good night.

And don't forget

to wear your seatbelt.

Mike, are you in here?

How'd it go?

Oh, fine.

Good.

He's not concerned

about his daughter.

He's wondering what

happened to his

television set.

Oh.

Judging by the inventory,

I'd say we may have

overestimated

the consumer demand for

unmarked, rusty food cans.

I think we have problem.

Oh, yeah,

mr. Marketing genius?

Did your sizzle

kind of fizzle?

The ignorance of the

people in this community

can just be extremely

frustrating.

Are you saying

they didn't get excited

about the chance

to buy cheap caviar?

They didn't even

know what caviar was.

Well, did you tell them

it was fish eggs

yes.

In a black, gooey sauce?

Nothing.

And?

No.

No kidding?

I've got

a better idea.

We're going to have

a pot-luck supper down

at the community centre.

We're going to put all

the cans in a big cauldron.

We're going to call it

possum lodge stew.

Charge five bucks a bowl.

How much for the antidote?

No, I think it might

work, you know?

For any ex-con that would

be like a stroll down

memory lane.

Yeah, it's five bucks.

It's all-you-can-eat.

It's a bargain!

For me, I couldn't

eat 50 cents worth.

You know we're

going to make it a fun night.

We're going to open

a thousand cans of food.

Let the chips

fall where they may,

and we're going

to call it...

The night of

a thousand cans!

You know,

night of a thousand

cramps might work better.

Red: A bunch of us were

taking down a pup tent

behind the lodge there.

We'd done our bit.

Kind of left walter to

clean it up, finally.

Odd thing happened.

We had a kind of

a low breeze come in.

I believe it's called

a rising thermal,

and, uh, it took walter up

600 or 700 feet, I believe.

You can't count on thermals,

as most of us know,

but this gave

us a great idea.

We could try parasailing

using the pup tent.

And all we needed -- we

needed some kind of a vehicle

if we could get

something to pull it.

And mike had an idea.

He had just the vehicle

in mind, apparently.

So all we had to do was

talk walter into doing it.

He was quite impressed

being up there,

and we said that

we had a great plan.

And, uh, I didn't realize

mike had a motorcycle.

I guess he had

just picked this one up.

And, uh, very generous.

He was allowing winston

to ride it.

He didn't want to be

on it for a while.

So winston turned

her around,

and all we were going

to do was just hook

walter with a rope.

You're going to really

enjoy this, walter.

You're going to love this.

You're going to have

the time of your life.

Now all we got to do

is attach the other end

to the motorcycle.

There wasn't really anything

we felt was strong

enough on it,

and winston got the idea

that instead of tying

it to the motorcycle,

he's on there so why didn't

we just tie it around

his waist?

Now, we figure, walter,

all you got to do is

just jump.

Just jump.

You'll love this.

It's like an amusement park.

And then we'll -- mike and I

will throw the tent.

All right, let's go.

Now, don't forget,

you gotta jump.

Take her.

Go!

There we go!

Jump.

Jump, walter.

Up you go.

Up you go, walter.

Jump. Jump.

Up you go.

Give her the gun

there, winston.

Give her some --

oh! Oh! Ohh!

All right.

So we checked the manual.

And that's

how they do it.

Oh, okay.

Now, you put walter right

on the back of the

motorcycle,

and, of course,

we're up to let --

to let the sail

go from the top of the van,

to release the sail.

And up he goes!

And that's great.

But we forgot

winston was attached.

Well, now they're

floating up there.

Mike brings the anchor rope.

That was a good idea.

All we gotta do

is anchor them.

That's the

wrong end, mike.

You want to throw

the anchor up there

and hook it to somewhere,

anywhere on them.

And...

Got 'em.

And it's that simple.

And we saved her again.

Perfect.

Oops.

Umm... Umm...

Okay, guys,

I gotta go.

Hey there, gord.

Hang on a second.

I'm picketing here.

I'm gord! I'm bored!

Get used to it!

What's going

on here, gord?

I'm on strike,

red, okay?

You know, power to

the people and all that.

And wouldn't this

work better

if you went down where

people could actually

see you?

Yeah, probably.

But I couldn't bring

myself to leave my post.

Well, this could be a

first in organized labour.

You're your own scab.

[ laughter and applause ]

look, I'm new

at this, okay?

How come your

sign is blank?

I didn't want to be too

specific about my demands.

I just wanted to show

my general displeasure.

Now, there's got to be

something that's

bothering you.

Are you after a raise?

I'd like

to be paid, okay?

Then we can talk

about a raise.

Are you saying you

still have never been paid?

No.

It's a bit

of a sore spot.

To seem greedy.

I don't want

okay, so --

I understand, but

if you could get paid,

that would -- that would

do it for you?

Oh, sure.

And a vacation

would be nice.

A little "me" time.

I always thought it'd be nice

to have st. Patrick's day off.

No. You know, nobody

gets st. Patrick's day,

but you know

what I would say?

Why don't you get the

big vacation stretch

that you have now,

like the time between, say,

christmas and new year's?

Christmas

is a holiday?

You know, gord, I think

you have a decision to make.

I think you have

to get another job,

or you have to keep going this

one and not get paid for it.

Do you know anybody

else that would hire you?

Oh, sure. Yeah.

I have excellent

computer skills.

I've got a

mattel intellivision.

Oh, yeah!

64k of memory,

four colour.

I think they're coming

out with a keyboard too.

Well, you know,

that's exciting.

I don't know, red.

Do you think I should

get a new job?

I would recommend medical

treatment of some kind,

and then just take

it from there, you know?

No. No.

Red, I'm going

to keep this job.

But, gord,

it's terrible hours,

and you don't get paid.

Nobody else in the

world would do that.

That's right, red.

That's what they

call job security.

Okay?

Okay, I gotta go.

See you!

Well, our pot luck dinner

was not a total success.

Well, it wasn't that bad.

Not everybody got sick.

Just the ones

who ate the food.

Luckily, the smell

turned most people off.

You know, they tell me

that some of those trees

will never

have leaves again.

You know I

just don't get it.

Most of those cans

were beans or corn.

What went wrong?

Well, they weren't all

beans or corn, dalton.

That's what went wrong.

Some were floor wax;

some were body filler.

Yeah, well, I think

it was the hand cleaner

oh, man.

That did the real damage.

Turned everybody

into a soap dispenser.

Well, no harm done.

Everybody got their

money back.

No harm done?

We've got no steel shed,

and now we've got

nothing to sell.

Yeah, but there

were no fatalities,

no permanent

injuries.

Around here, that's what

we call no harm done.

Yeah, I suppose.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, mr. Green!

I've got a surprise for you.

No dessert, mike.

I couldn't go there.

No, no, no.

I stacked up all the empty

cans and made a shed

out of them.

Well, my gosh, you know

that's pretty smart.

It's right outside.

Do you want to see it?

Well, let's not kill

my enthusiasm that

fast, okay, mike?

You see there, red?

When we put our minds together

we always solve the problem.

Yeah.

I suppose so.

Hope you didn't

pollute the lake

when you rinsed

those cans out, eh?

Rinse the cans out?

How do you mean?

Well, if you don't

rinse the cans out,

you're going

to attract animals.

Attract animals,

how do you mean?

[ dogs barking ]

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Let's go.

See you later.

[ applause ]

well, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I'll be

coming home hungry.

You know, you always

tell me to watch what I eat.

I couldn't even

look at that dinner.

So I was hoping, maybe later,

we could have a big steak,

and then after we could

have a little sizzle.

And to rest of you,

thanks for watching.

And on behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here at

possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

sit down, guys.

Have a seat.

Down, down, down.

Sit down.

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, bow your

heads for the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Okay, men, we got

a call from the wives.

And any of you who had the

possum lodge stew,

your wives asked you not to

come home for a few days.

[ applause ]

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