Not One Fish/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: It's the show they said

that couldn't be done.

Here's the show they said

shouldn't be done.

Here's the show

they said wouldn't be done.

Ha ha!

Here we are, because

they were only obviously right

about the "shouldn't" part.

We're broadcasting

from the north,

the real far north,

where most people don't go.

You know, that really

hard place to get at,

like, on the middle of your back

where you try --

but you can't -- anyway,

that's where we're coming from.

And here's the star of the show,

the man who signs the checks

around here.

And he's in no danger

of getting writer's cramp,

believe me you.

Here he is, the star of the show

and my uncle by birth

and marriage -- in that order --

ladies and gentlemen,

mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you, and,

uh, welcome to possum lodge.

I'm gonna be your, uh, guide

for the mysteries of nature,

like the lodge pole pine tree,

the white-rumped antelope,

and, uh --

and my nephew harold here.

And when people get tired

of that real-nature stuff,

I can just throw in

a little pizzazz.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ laughs ]

why do you do that,

harold?

Well, it's because it says

right on my résumé

that every show, I promise

to deliver a bunch of pizzazz.

I thought

it said "pizzas."

uncle red,

I'm a television producer.

What would I possibly know

about pizzas?

Try looking in the mirror

sometime, harold.

Anyway, we got

a real fun-filled, uh,

show for you this week.

I mean, it looks good on paper.

Then again,

so did harold's résumé.

Actually, we almost

didn't have a show at all

because a bunch of us, uh,

last night got playing "sorry!".

You know that game?

Oh, that's a good game.

I like the game of "sorry!".

That's a great board game,

that one.

I hope they put it out

on computer one day

'cause then

maybe I could play it, too.

No, no. This is

a different "sorry!".

This is

"possum lodge sorry!".

The way that this works is that,

uh, you got to get up

and do something

that you're gonna be sorry for

when you sober up.

Actually, uh,

buster hadfield won

with his, uh,

eggnog nostril shower.

I think what it is, is he takes

down two full bags of milk,

and he actually swallows

the eggs in the shells.

That's what makes it

such a consistent winner.

And once he won that,

we all, of course,

had to go down to the lake

and wash the bits of nog and egg

and the eggnog even

together off of ourselves.

And, well, once we'd finished

belly flopping

our clothes clean,

moose thompson started

a big fire in the den

so we could all get dried off.

In the den?

Uncle red,

there's no fireplace in the den.

No, no. That's --

that's why we almost

didn't have a show.

You set the floor

on fire?!

Is that what that, like,

smoky stench is in here today?

No, no, no. That's from

stinky peterson's long johns.

We used them to put out

the fire.

Stinky was pretty upset

about it.

I-I guess we should have taken

them off him first.

But other than stinky

being burnt to a crisp

and the den being totaled,

it's really no harm done.

So, without further ado,

let's get the show rolling,

harold.

[ keyboard clacking ]

gin. Again?

I hate cards.

You know, harold, golf would be

a perfect game for you.

I could teach you.

Yeah, I guess you got to carry

the 3 this time.

No. Thank you,

though, bob.

I can't throw the clubs

as far as you can.

That's not on purpose.

That's all accidental.

[ chuckles ]

besides,

if I was on the pro circuit,

I could afford better grips.

Well, actually, my time

is very limited right now.

Oh, my career's,

oh, so demanding.

I got to roll up cable,

burn myself on lights --

things to do.

You got 500.

You win again, bill.

You know, harold,

that's why I work for the

department of natural resources.

I'm able to combine my work

with my hobbies.

You know,

if you play your cards right,

I might be able to get you a job

with the department, too.

[ chuckles ]

and leave show business?

[ laughs ]

bob,

look what I caught today.

A basketball hoop?

Possum lake

is devoid of life.

Congratulations, bob.

While you

and your government buddies

were out duffing around

the back nine,

another lake rolled over.

What do you care, right?

Just another water hazard

as far as you're concerned.

You know, doc, you seem to be

carrying a lot of tension.

Maybe if you got outside

and got some fresh air,

maybe a little exercise,

it might do you

the world of good.

You know, harold, when I first

started fishing out here,

why, the fish would jump

right up out of the lake

and jump

at your bootlaces.

[ chuckles ]

you ever see two pickerel

arguing over

who gets caught first?

You know, some days,

we'd catch so many fish

we couldn't haul them all in.

Have to tie them all together

in kind of a fish raft

and float the boat in

on the fish.

Wow!

Would that ever be neat

to believe.

Yeah.

You know, doc,

you may think

that there's no fish

in that lake,

but I find it's a lot

like life.

You know, people blame their

bad scores on the golf course.

You know, either

the greens are too rough

or the trees are too hard

or, "what idiot

put the first tee

so close

to the parking lot?"

bob, I've been catching fish

since I was 2 years old.

And if I don't reel in

a slew of trout,

it's 'cause

they're not there!

Possum lake's dead, red.

Bob killed it.

Look,

the lake is fine.

The problem is

that in the past 15 years,

the fish

have gotten smarter

and doc here

hasn't been able to keep pace.

Say, uh, what are you doing

today, uh, red?

Well,

he's not going golfing.

And neither are you,

mister --

not until you get out there

and fix the dead sea.

Yeah?

And who are you to tell me

how to spend my work day?

Oh. Well,

I'm a taxpayer, aren't I?

You are?

Sales tax.

Good enough.

Look, I got to be at work.

I've got a tee-off time.

Yeah, well,

don't be surprised

if your game gets interrupted

by a bunch of angry fishermen!

We can do a lot of damage

with 100 pounds of live bait

and an attitude.

Listen,

if you stop me from golfing,

you will be interfering

with government business!

Well, then I'll interfere away,

mister.

Don't you be touching me --

oh, hi, glen.

Hi, glen.

Listen, uh,

what are you doing today?

I got to go into town

with the rv.

Oh.

Well,

when you're in town,

why don't you buy doc

some fish --

something slow and stupid

that bites at anything.

Sure.

Slow and stupid.

Yeah,

y-you should talk, mister!

You should talk!

Oh, I should,

should I?

[ chuckles ] well, he doesn't

know what kind of a fight

I can put up

when he gets his hooks in me.

[ chuckles ]

you can quote me on that one,

bucko.

"slow and stupid."

so, who wants to go

on a shopping safari?

I got to get some tires.

All-season radials.

Well, we're, uh -- we're pretty

booked up today, uh, glen.

Oh. Are you sure?

I got to get six of them.

You know, I got

the double wheels on the back.

I am.

Yeah.

Might have to get a seventh,

actually.

I maybe need a new spare.

[ chuckles ]

well.

Somebody wants to come

with me,

I might be

able to be talked

into getting

that new seventh tire.

Well, uh, you know, glen,

I think harold might be up

for a tire trip.

Oh?

Yep, yep.

Harold!

Harold:

Yes -- yes, sir?

What are you doing,

son?

"solitaire," sir.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ my daddy

was a poor sharecropper ♪

he cropped things,

and then he shared them.

We were so poor

we couldn't afford windows,

but we had a door that opened

a few inches.

♪ I remember the day

my daddy died ♪

♪ he called me over to his side,

and he said ♪

"who the hell are you?"

that was a disappointment.

Red: This week, uh,

on the "handyman corner,"

I'm gonna show you how you can

turn an old piece of crap,

like this chair,

into a beautiful,

uh, recliner rocker.

You know, to me, anything

that's called a la-z-boy

sounds like my kind

of furniture.

All right, uh, first thing

we have to do is to disconnect,

uh, the back from the seat

right down here.

So we'll -- we'll flop her down.

I guess you could put this

in a vise if you're a purist.

You know,

and we'll just hack this off.

That saw's not very sharp.

We used that one to cut concrete

blocks when we made our wet bar.

I'll just, uh,

switch to the jigsaw.

[ saw whirring ]

there's nothing to it.

[ whirring stops ]

well, there's no --

no blade in that.

Oh, I remember now.

We -- we broke that blade

when we, uh,

made that architect's drafting

table out of an oil tank.

We got lots of power tools here.

No problem.

[ whirring ]

all right, uh, now we got

the back off of here.

Now, uh, why did I do that?

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

We're making

a recliner rocker, yeah.

So we now are gonna reattach,

uh, the back to the seat,

uh, with these hinges.

And done.

So, what we have now

is more of a collapser rocker.

And what we need to do is to,

uh, now install our footrest

that's gonna swing up.

Now, what you want here

is a real nice piece of wood,

something that matches the grain

and the same kind

of general quality

as the rest of the chair.

I couldn't find one.

Uh, so I'm gonna use

this barbecue grill.

I got some cup hooks,

uh, mounted underneath

the chair there,

and it will just hang on there.

And, you know,

you might want to scrape,

uh, some of the mong and fat

and grizzle and feathers

off this thing

if you're gonna sit in this

chair in your good pants.

Okay, now what

we need to put on here

is the supports

for our armrests.

[ clears throat ]

these are -- I got a couple

of shelf brackets here.

We, uh, got a shelf

over in the workshop there,

had four brackets on it.

No shelf needs four brackets,

so I took these two off.

I figured they're not

doing anything anyway.

[ crashing ]

well, I guess I might as well

have taken all four.

Ah, don't worry about it.

Spilled paint dries fast.

Okay, now I'm gonna mount

these, uh, supports on here

using the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

All right.

And now the next step,

uh, we add this, uh,

a.B.S. Drainpipe on here.

Kind of a mixed-media project

we got going

with the plastic, the wood,

and the metal,

and what have you,

and, not to mention, the tape.

And these go on here not only

to serve as armrests,

but also as guides

for the mechanism

that's gonna raise and lower

the foot pedal.

And again, we'll use the, uh,

handyman's secret weapon

to attach these, duct tape.

I'm not -- I'm not quite sure

how much of a secret

it is anymore.

Oh, well.

Well, how's it look?

I've run the sash cord

up through my armrest,

connected it to my seat,

uh, lifting leg lifter,

and then up into the,

uh, eyebolts

that I've hooked into the back

of the chair.

And it was just --

it's a fantastic thing.

When you lean back,

up she comes, as we say.

Just, uh, look at that.

Now the easy part --

upholstering her.

I suppose you could --

uh, you could attach this more

permanent with, uh, staples

or, uh, maybe you want to

duct-tape that on there

or maybe put a screw into it

or whatever.

But, uh, I suggest paperclips,

and that way, you can, you know,

take her off

every two or three years,

give her a shake, you know,

get some of the mong

out of it there.

By golly, she's comfortable,

isn't she?

And just, uh -- just think of

the money that you've saved --

money that would have gone

to a furniture company, huh?

Just lean back. Look at that.

Look at that, huh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Uh, money that -- money that can

now go to a chiropractor.

Uh, so remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you lying down.

Got some, uh,

cream soda...

And a lovely

microwave bundt cake.

There you go.

Huh?

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Sure you want to.

Nope.

Come on.

No.

Right out the door.

Here we go.

"it is summer.

"I remember when you could

cruise on the river for free.

"last week, I went,

and it cost me $8,000.

"the river was dried up.

The 8 grand

was for boat repairs."

well, everybody's,

uh, pretty concerned

about the lack of marine life

in, uh, possum lake.

I mean, uh, we drink that water,

we bathe in that water,

so we would kind of like to know

what's killing the fish.

Well,

you did say you bathed in it.

[ chuckles ]

well, you know,

that's a thought.

That's all that is --

just a thought.

You know, one of those

cause-and-effect kind of things.

Harold, you know,

when we bathe in the lake,

it adds a whole bunch

of life-forms.

You know, without the stuff

that washes off us,

the algae would probably

starve to death.

Okay.

I-I never considered that.

I mean, who actually knew

that the lack

of personal hygiene

amongst the lodge members,

would, you know --

would be actually benefiting

the possum lake ecosystem?

Yeah.

That's exactly right, harold.

Anyway, uh, doc render wants bob

to join him in a survey

of the bottom of the lake.

And old man sedgwick has,

uh, turned his pickup truck

into a two-man submarine.

[ chuckles ]

how do you turn a pickup

into a submarine?

Well, you park it too close

to the lake.

Wa-a-a-a!

It rolled in, didn't it?

Yeah, it rolled in.

[ laughs ]

so, who's gonna drive --

bob or doc?

Well, they drew straws,

and the one who got the longest

straw used it as an air hose.

Personally, I don't think

they're gonna go.

Well, we have to go,

uncle red --

right into the next segment.

Dive, harold, dive.

Whoop, whoop,

whoop, whoop!

How you doing, glen?

Hmm? Oh, hi, red.

How's the

marina business going?

Well, you know,

going nuts.

It's, uh,

busy time of the year.

All right.

Uh, glen, I want to talk to you

about the lake.

Take a look

at these tires, red.

Go on and have a good look,

though.

Get right in there.

They're brand-new tires.

Well, tread looks okay.

Not the tread, red,

the nubs!

You know, the tire nubs,

the little things that stick out

when you get them brand-new

on the side there.

They're like whiskers

or something.

Yeah, yeah.

They're falling off

like I can't believe.

Well, what are you gonna do,

glen?

Go down

to the r.V. Dealership

and cut the nubs off

brand-new tires

and come back here

and glue them onto your tires

every time you want to go

for a ride?

[ laughs ]

what kind of glue would you use

for that, red?

No, I-I'm joking, glen.

How do you mean?

Glen, uh, do you think

there's any fish left

in the lake here?

What, possum lake?

Yeah.

Oh, there's tons of fish

out there still, yeah.

Hmm.

You know, airplane glue.

Airplane glue would do it.

You know, now, doc says

that there's no fish left

in the lake at all.

What is it

with doc and fish?

He's got a fish fixation!

That's not healthy.

No, sir.

You want to go for a ride,

red?

I got to get

some airplane glue.

Uh, no, no.

No, no.

I got to see about getting

the lake restocked with fish.

Well, we'll go to, uh,

the lake-restocking fish place.

Yeah,

where they sell the fish.

Where's that?

I don't know.

But we'll cruise around

till we find one.

No, no, no.

It's okay.

I got to make a couple

of calls first.

I'll --

I'll see you later, glen.

Okay, red, sure.

Yeah.

Whoa, hey.

Tires are made of rubber.

Rubber cement.

Way to go, glen.

Red: And speaking of things

made of rubber,

it's time

for "adventures with bill."

uh, bill had smashed his car

into glen's holding tank there,

and so he was gonna use this to

pretend that his car is on fire

and stuck on the side

of the road

and the various safety --

hmm.

The various, uh,

safety things that you can do

when your car is stuck

on the side of the road.

So he's gonna --

he wants me to pretend

that I've been in an accident

and I'm injured.

You stick your tongue out

when you're injured, apparently.

I didn't know that.

And then he's going to, uh --

he's got some gear here.

He had a bag of something

and a fire extinguisher.

He's gonna take the van

and pretend that, you know,

he's just driving along

and he sees me,

uh, lying there injured.

First thing bill

has to realize...

[ tires screech ]

...Is that "reverse"

starts with an "r."

okay, so,

I'm lying there wondering,

and I look back, and he's coming

30, 40 miles an hour,

and the fire extinguisher

falls down.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Now he can't se--

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I'm gonna lie down.

[ coughs ]

well, that gets rid

of the door problem.

[ tires screech ]

then, uh,

things eventually clear up.

And, uh...

I don't think

this is part of the plan,

but you never know with bill.

[ hollow clanging ]

well, that's working well.

So, uh, plan "b."

what we do now is he gets out

his little bag and, uh --

I don't look too impressed

there, do I?

Anyway, he gets -- what he's got

there are some flares.

And you set these flares up

all around your car

so that people

can see them going,

you know, if it's at night.

I had noticed something

about the flares that he had.

They had a word on there that --

I didn't like the look of that

in a big way.

And it suddenly occurred to bill

that maybe these weren't flares.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

[ groans ]

by golly.

Well,

people will notice you there.

And, uh, looks like the car

has gone to a safer place.

So, anyway, bob and doc

kind of chickened out

on the two-man-sub idea,

but they still wanted to inspect

the bottom of possum lake,

so what they did

was they popped a skylight

into the roof of the toolshed

and then flipped it over

into the lake

to use as a glass-bottom boat.

Old man sedgwick went with them

for luck -- bad.

They got out there

about a half a mile,

and they had so many slugs

and leeches

on the underside

of the skylight,

they couldn't see through it.

So bob and doc got down there,

started tapping

on the plexiglas,

trying to knock those things

off there.

Well, old man sedgwick thought

somebody was knocking

on the door,

so he opened it,

and the whole thing sank.

They managed to swim into shore,

so there was

really no harm done,

other than the fact that

old man sedgwick's pickup truck

now has a toolshed in the back.

You know, uncle red,

I heard that bob and doc --

they're still arguing about

the condition of the lake,

and that bob --

he's got conclusive evidence

that he's gonna bring

to the lodge meeting tonight.

Well,

I hope it's not his wife.

Which one?

He had about five.

Wa-a-a!

I hope it's not one

through four.

[ screeching ]

oh, there's the call

of the wild possum.

Come on, uncle red,

let's go lance this boil.

Ha ha!

Harold has the touch of a poet,

doesn't he?

Anyway,

I'll just nip down there --

it should only take a minute --

and I'll either relieve

somebody's embarrassment

or add to it -- whatever seems

in order -- or more fun.

That's what being a leader

is all about.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Uh, the floor recognizes

bob stuyvesant.

Thank you, red.

Well, I've been running

a battery of tests

on the lake water.

I was down at the ministry lab

all afternoon,

and I found that --

uh, well, I was happy to find

that all the water

in possum lake

is fresh, clean, and pure.

[ cheering ]

what in the heck could have

caused that, bob?

Well, nothing, red.

The test that I was doing

shows that the, uh -- the lake

is brimming with marine life.

Yeah, then if people

can't catch fish,

it's because people

can't catch fish.

Well, I took the liberty

of hiring a private laboratory

to run some checks

on the lake myself.

[ chuckles ]

somebody that knows

what they're doing --

a non-golfer.

Possum lake

is totally sterile.

[ murmuring ]

nothing can go

in that water --

not fish, not worms,

not algae.

And what's more,

there are highly toxic levels

of arsenic, palladium,

and mercury.

Oh, yeah?

Let me see this.

Hey, that's the same stuff

I put in my tire wash.

Your what?

My tire wash --

yeah, I-I used it

to get all the germs

and stuff off my tires.

Yeah,

it cleans them right away.

It --

it sterilizes the rubber.

Yeah, it's stuff

I invented myself.

You wouldn't believe some

of the stuff on the road

gets stuck on your tire,

you know?

Are you saying you wash your

tires with this stuff, glen?

Yep.

And then you just rinse it

right into the lake?

Where else, red?

How do you read

this thing?

So possum lake died so you could

have clean whitewalls,

is that it?

Oh, blame me.

Tell me something, bob.

Hmm?

How long do you think

it would take possum lake

to -- to regenerate all the fish

life and everything again?

Well, uh, let's see, uh...

Arsenic, palla-dee-um --

"palladium."

the -- the worst kind.

The mercury -- well,

they're all fairly heavy,

you know, so if the fish

have soaked up

all that stuff and then died,

they've probably gone

to the bottom of the lake.

So it should recover

fairly quickly.

I'd say that the lake will

probably be brimming again

with marine life

in about...Oh, 3,000 years.

Wait, wait, 3,000 years?

That's a long -- 3,000 years?

Well,

that's not very long.

Well, it might not be long

for bob.

He works

for the government.

Now, now, now,

just relax.

The guy that I spoke to

said that, uh,

by seeding the lake

with fingerlings

and plants,

and various bacteria,

well, we could see

the fish coming back

in a couple of months.

[ cheering ]

really?

Yeah.

How does that work?

Now, where do I fish

in the meantime?

Well, I -- I could take you

to where the fish are, doc,

in my r.V.

Oh, yeah?

Like, uh, maybe over

to lake morris, huh?

Well, how about, uh,

the yukon for some salmon?

The yukon! I like the ring

of that! [ laughs ]

I won't even wash the tires

till we get back.

Red: What? What?

Oh, I'm just kidding,

red.

All right, uh, well,

if there's no other

lodge business...

Okay, then I'm gonna call

on glen here

to give us

the evening's entertainment.

[ cheering ]

glen, do you want me to hit

the lights for you?

Yeah, could you get those

on the way out there, red?

Thank you.

"palladium" --

right there.

Harold: These are slides,

are they, glen?

Yes, sir.

Well, I'm sure possum lake

will restock itself gradually.

We'll encourage people to flush

minnows down the toilet,

so that should get

things started.

It's the least we can do,

which is more or less

our specialty.

Anyway, uh,

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

so you might want to set the

electric blanket on "defrost."

so, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

that's the 95 south

right there.

So, uh, where are you

on your way to there?

I'm just going south.

Red, come on, grab a seat.

You didn't miss anything,

red.

This is the 95 south

right here, red.

Going in new England.

I cut out

the other sign there.

Over here?

Yeah, I cut her out.

It was leaning way out,

and I had just one end.

I had to keep

the gas pedal down.

Oh, I'd say 60, 65.

There's a different speed limit

down there, you know.

Harold:

You were breaking the law.