Noel's Stag/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold: And now

it's the beginning of our show,

the part where the camera

comes up the hallway

at big expense to us.

But, you know, that's because

of the dolly rental

and things like that, of course.

But it's just an indication

to show you

how much we're willing to do

to put on a good show,

and that's why

we're showing you the hallway.

Anyway, here's the man who pays

for the dolly in every way,

my uncle and the star

of "the red green show" --

mr. Red gre-e-e-e-n!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you,

and welcome to possum lodge.

Harold produces

and directs the show

and everything else

that I don't feel like doing

or think is important

or understand or care about.

I think

it's very important

to the look

and the pace of the show,

especially

the special effects.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

I think that's at least

as helpful as that dolly is.

Speaking of dollies,

our head of security

is getting married.

What? Noel?

Noel is getting married?

[ laughs ]

I didn't even know

he was dating a girl.

Oh, yeah,

it all happened last week.

He and junior singleton

were skinny-dipping

down at suicide rock,

which is pretty gutsy

when you consider the amount

of carnivorous wildlife

that hangs out down there.

Anyway, they were right

in the middle of a dip skinwise,

and a couple of women came by.

And, well, the story

gets a little fuzzy here,

but, uh, it ends up with noel

proposing to one of them.

And the surprise is that

what he proposed was marriage.

Isn't that something,

harold?

Marriage? What? Sorry.

Missed that. Sorry.

I was just saying

noel is engaged.

In what?

In marriage, harold.

Noel is gonna marry

one of those women.

Wa-a-a!

Does that mean junior

is gonna marry the other one?

Well, he's gonna check it

with his present wife,

but I don't think

it looks good.

I was just thinking,

you know what I mean?

If noel can find a woman,

maybe there's hope for me, too.

I mean, if noel could,

I certainly could! Wa-a-a!

Maybe I should go skinny-dipping

for mrs. Right.

Or mr. Snapping turtle.

Uh, noel has had dates before,

but that was usually on dates

with women.

This was totally different.

This one -- belinda,

belinda is her name --

well, belinda actually

didn't mind talking to noel

for a few minutes.

And as far as he's concerned,

that's love.

The lads are a little skeptical,

you know,

of love at first sight,

especially if the first sight

is of noel.

I really don't think

you guys

are in any position

to be judging relationships.

I mean, if you knew anything

about women,

you wouldn't spend half

your life up at this lodge

and the other half

sleeping.

We know how to get along

with women, harold.

It's just tiring.

That's all.

It takes love, understanding,

and sensitivity.

Yeah, right, yeah.

Anyway, noel is gonna tie

the old slipknot next week,

and everybody at the lodge

is invited.

It's kind of exciting,

so a bunch of us all went back

for another skinny dip,

and we decided that junior

is the best man.

So, we're gonna have the wedding

out by the cistern there,

where the mosquitos

are real bad,

and that way the minister

will keep everything

kind of goosing along for us.

Where have they decided

to go on their honeymoon?

They're going to des moines,

iowa, harold.

Yeah, there's a chuck norris

film festival down there.

Kind of a lifelong dream

for noel.

They've already registered

the china pattern with 7-eleven.

I wonder what I should get noel

for his prenuptials.

Well, I think the doctors

will take care of that.

Harold, have you seen

how long the grass is?

No. I've seen

"how green is my valley."

is this, like,

a sequel or something?

I'm talking about the grass

out behind the lodge.

We can't have an unkept lawn

with noel's wedding coming up.

It looks scruffy.

Why don't you go out there

and cut that lawn?

It's a field!

Yes, but it doesn't have to be

a messy field.

I could pay you.

I want $1,000

and a tractor.

Yes, I'm sure you would.

But as lodge treasurer,

I'd have to say, "get real."

look, perhaps one of your

school chums could do it.

Wa-a-a!

No, they hit me every time

I ask them things like that.

Well, then, I'm just

gonna have to go out there

and do it myself.

Is that what you want?

I hadn't really

thought about it.

Yes, I do, actually.

Okay. Fine. Fine.

Fine.

I'm having a little trouble

getting your nephew

to help me out here, red.

No kidding?

Fine!

Okay, I got noel's stag thing

pretty well set up.

We're having a stag

for noel?

This is the first time

I've heard about it.

How come nobody told me

anything?

Try coming

to the lodge meetings, bob.

That sometimes works.

No, no stags.

No, stags are a pagan ritual,

and I will not be involved.

You go right ahead if you like,

but I will not be there.

Of course, it looks

like I'm not invited, either.

I made this list up of what

we'll need for a major party.

Okay,

the flares are optional,

but I thought

they'd be a nice touch.

And we're gonna have to get

a couple more cases of beer.

My brother is coming.

How's that wedding gift

coming there, bill?

Great.

Don't forget the salami.

So, are we figuring

on holding this wingding

in the lodge, helmut?

No, in the woods --

more washrooms.

I mean, we'll have to come in

for a while

'cause it'll be too dark

to see the stripper.

Stripper?

No, no, no, no, no.

No strippers.

Strippers are sexist

and archaic -- no, no, no.

Do you honestly believe

that the bride is over there,

having a male stripper

at her shower?

Wa-a-a!

Okay, yes, we know she is.

But the point is,

we should be setting an example.

Well, uh, we'll just

turn the other cheek.

[ laughs ]

no, wait.

Harold's right.

Well, there's two words I never

thought I'd say together.

Anyway, we can do

much better than that.

We could have

a civilized stag.

Not a game of golf.

Not a game of golf.

The noel open.

A game of golf.

36 holes of camaraderie,

revelry, jocularity.

Of course,

all proceeds go to noel.

Then later we'll gather

in the pro shop

and sing scottish tunes.

I'm sorry, bob,

this stag is for members only.

Harry lauder

is not coming.

We have to do what members of

possum lodge have always done.

It's tradition.

The party, the beer,

the stripper,

the fistfight,

the drive to the hospital.

It's tradition!

You see,

maybe you don't remember,

but I work

for the natural resources.

If a bunch of lodge members

are gonna be capering about

in the woods,

well, I've got to concern myself

with environmental damage.

Well, the woods

will fare a hell of a lot better

than a golf course will,

I'll tell you that.

Well, it's noel's stag.

Why don't we let him decide?

Are you kidding?

We're talking about noel.

Yeah, you're right.

Who wants to spend

a whole evening

playing ping-pong

and eating yogurt?

Let me know

what you figure out, anyway.

You know, the lodge is

supposed to be a democracy.

Why don't we let

just the majority decide?

We'll have a vote tonight

at the lodge meeting.

What if it's a tie?

We'll let

the stripper vote.

Fine.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Only lodge members can vote.

Unless, of course, one of the

lodge members is the stripper

and he takes

his clothes off.

Wa-a-a-a!

He's not, is he?

♪ oh, the cold, cold rain

comes out of the sky ♪

♪ it lands on things

that were formerly dry ♪

♪ it runs down the roof

and drips from the eaves ♪

♪ and lets you know exactly

where your bald spots are ♪

this week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna talk

about recycling.

If you're like me, uh,

you hate to throw things away --

bits of string or newspapers

or old engines and stuff.

You know, what are you gonna do

with an old engine?

Now, I suppose I could take this

down to the auto wrecker's

or a scrap iron yard or whatever

and get a few dollars for it,

but the hassle of me driving

down there in the truck,

with the cost of gas

being what it is.

And, of course,

I'd have to put this --

actually install this

back into the truck

before I could drive down there.

So, what am I gonna do

with this old engine?

Well, I know

that ordinarily what you'd do

is you'd zip down

to a conservation area

and just dump it into a ravine

or something,

but I'd like to show you

something kind of interesting.

I'm gonna show you

how you can equip your whole

kitchen from one engine.

Now, everybody with space

between their teeth

likes corn on the cob.

What an interesting way

to hold the corn on the cob

than to take your valves

out of your engine

and thrust them

into the ends of your cob.

And then you can take

the valve cover off the motor,

and this is a handy tray

to hold your butter.

Just roll it in there.

Or you can make it

10w-30 if it's to go.

I don't care where you go.

You're not gonna find a better

frying pan than an air cleaner.

Get your bacon

around the outside there,

do pancakes with a little twist

in them up in the middle.

And then, of course,

it comes with a lid.

Pop that right on.

And you put the wing nut

on her there.

You got yourself

a pressure cooker.

Unbelievable.

Another thing --

kind of interesting.

I don't care where you go,

who you know,

what you see, what you do.

You are not gonna find

a better roasting pan

than the sump pan

off of a motor.

You ever try to ladle the soup

in the kitchen?

It's a real problem.

Makes a big mess

all over the place.

What you do is

take your exhaust manifold,

line up the ports

over the soup bowls,

put the soup

into a pitcher of some kind,

and then you just pour the soup

right up your own tailpipe.

How about that, huh?

See?

And you were gonna

throw this stuff out, huh?

So, until next time,

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

How about some more soup, guys?

Coming right up.

[ glugging ]

oh, nuts, we got the chunky.

"it is autumn.

"time to get the boat

out of the lake.

If only you could remember

where it sank."

so, anyway, everything

is kind of coming together

for the wedding.

Junior singleton's wife

has accepted his apology.

Junior says he could make it

a double-ring ceremony,

where noel and belinda

would get married

and then junior and his wife

could renew their vows.

But his wife's

not too keen on that.

She says she's not sorry

that she married him,

but she's had 10 years

to kind of think it over,

and let's not push it.

You know,

I think weddings

force you

into that sort of thinking.

You reevaluate your marriage

and your life or what have you.

Yeah, and what have you,

harold?

I have my hobbies and my work,

you know, like this.

Oh, you mean if I could find you

a wife, you'd quit?

Oh, no, I'm not into those

prearranged marriage things.

I mean, love and destiny are the

stars which I steer my life by.

Wa-a-a,

I think you're like that.

Oh, yes, I do.

How did you and aunt bernice

meet, uncle red?

Well, she was the only one

who answered the ad.

See, now, I know that's a lie.

I know that.

I know that deep down

you are a happily married man.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, you're right, harold.

Your aunt bernice has made me

what I am today.

Don't ever say that to her,

uncle red.

That could be,

oh, so hurtful.

Uh, douglas, can I ask you

a question here for a minute?

I'm a bit busy

right here, red.

Well, that's okay.

I don't mind.

It's about noel's stag.

I need to ask you about money.

It's always about money,

isn't it, red?

"douglas, can we spare

some money?

"douglas,

can I have some money?

Douglas, how many quarters

in a dollar?"

why do people always bother me

with money problems?

Well, probably because

you're the lodge treasurer.

Well, I'm a treasurer

without a treasure.

I'm sorry, red, the men are just

going to have to pass the hat.

Oh, I don't think so,

douglas.

I mean,

everybody likes noel,

but not enough to actually

cough up some money for him.

Well, how much money

are we wasting here, anyway?

Well, depends what kind of

a stag you're talking about.

Right now, it's either gonna be

a friendly game of golf

or a pagan ceremony

out in the jungle.

Well, a golf tournament

would be more expensive

than a jungle orgy.

Yeah, that's what

we figured, too.

Helmut says he can bring it in

for under 200 bucks,

and that would include

a mirror ball,

uh, fireworks,

a bricklayer's trowel --

that's the gift --

uh, seven cases of beer,

half a dozen carrot sticks,

and a stripper.

Oh, well, you can stop

right there, mister.

I'm not gonna be any part

of a sexist, disgusting

display of female flesh.

It's degrading.

Well, we weren't asking you

to go, douglas.

We just want you

to pay for it.

Why doesn't someone

just go into town

and rent some movies,

you know, like maybe

fellini's "amarcord"

or buñuel's "the discreet charm

of the bourgeoisie"?

And then we can sit

and watch films and eat popcorn.

Boy, uh, douglas,

we're talking about some

pretty modest attention spans

at the lodge.

I don't really think we've got

the subtitles crowd in there.

Well, I'm sorry, red.

I tried to help.

You know, I have to buy

a new toilet seat,

and you're asking me

for stag money.

What would you do?

Well, depends

when you asked me.

What is wrong

with this thing?

Why is it that

the things around here

always just break

and fall apart?

Well, let me

give it a try.

[ engine turns over ]

[ film projector clicking ]

red: For those of you who have

watched our show more than once,

first of all, get help now.

And secondly,

you'll recognize this bit

'cause this is actually part two

of an "adventure with bill"

we did earlier,

where he cut his forehead

with a knife.

This is how to find food

in the woods.

What he's doing here in part two

is he says that there's certain

kinds of trees

that you can just peel

the bark off and chew it.

It's got protein in there,

and it's got ribo...

Ribo...

It's got stuff in it

that's good for you.

Chewy, though.

By golly, it's chewy.

I wouldn't say that it had

a shortage of taste.

It just had a shortage

of good taste.

By golly, she was chewy,

and I thought,

"I think I might have

a better application for this."

[ squishing ]

perfect.

Now, bill looks up the tree

there and sees a nest.

Well, he figured

there's probably gonna be

a couple eggs in there,

so he needs a little boost up.

Ohh!

Bill has put on

a fair bit of weight

since we used to do this

when we were 6 and 7 years old.

His -- his aim

isn't any better, either.

But, uh...

This is taking far too long.

You don't want someone

to come across you in the woods

when you're doing that,

I'll tell you.

Anyway, why didn't we just get

the ladder in the first place?

So, bill sets the ladder up

after hurting me bad,

and I'm gonna hold steady

the ladder for him.

He's gonna go up there.

That's one of them 3-legged

cherry-picking ladders,

I believe.

He's gonna go up and do a little

cherry-picking of his own.

There's an egg right there.

That's a big bird.

Two eggs. Sunny side up.

Ew!

And a strip of bacon.

May not be a bird's nest.

It might actually be a denny's.

Another egg there.

He's doing real --

whoops! Whoops!

Oh! Oh!

Now I get mad

and I pull the ladder over.

Aah!

I was a little embarrassed

about that, but not too bad.

He's all right.

And down the nest comes.

We could have got the eggs

that way, anyway.

Funny how life's fair

sometimes, isn't it?

Perfect.

[ lawn mower running ]

well, apparently, a decision

has been made about noel's stag.

Whatever it is and wherever

it is gonna happen,

it's gonna take place

after the lodge meeting tonight.

You know, the lodge has quite

a history of stags

over the last 100 years.

Actually, old man sedgwick

has been to all of them.

In fact, at his own stag,

he had such a good time,

he actually missed

his wedding day.

Luckily, his bride

ran off with the caterer.

I remember at bill smith's stag,

a whole bunch of us

got up in a tree,

and then helmut cut it down.

And what we thought

was just a social error,

uh, turned out to be

the chain saw backfiring.

We set the tree on fire --

burned us all to the ground.

Uncle red, I do not know

how you can associate

risking life and limb

with a good time.

I mean, whatever happened

to good conversation, dancing,

music, pop, you know,

stuff like that?

Well, harold, it's not enough

to enjoy a party.

You know,

you have to survive a party.

After one of our stags,

50 years of marriage

is a cakewalk.

[ screeching ]

oh, okay.

Well, I guess we should bring

this up at the next meeting.

I'll see you

down there, okay?

All right.

Uh, don't worry.

We're not gonna let 100 years

of tradition go down the drain

just to allow some common sense

to get between us

and a little harmful fun.

I'll see you later.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching continues ]

all rise.

Rise up, rise up.

[ clears throat ]

all:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

[ laughs ]

so, is the lucky groom

here?

No, no,

this is perfect.

All right.

All right, the floor recognizes

helmut wintergarden.

Good news, guys.

The stag is on.

[ all cheering ]

I ordered the beer,

and eddie said he's gonna

prepare some food

so we can use it

in the food fight.

Well, actually,

hang on a second.

Just a minute here,

guys.

I've been checking

the fire danger reports,

and the forest

is tinder-dry.

This stag could

turn into a huge inferno.

[ all cheering ]

now, wait a minute.

Now, hang on, hang on.

Now, what do you think

about this?

Why don't we take the stag

and move it

right onto the golf course?

[ booing ]

listen just for a second.

Listen.

The golf course,

it's always watered,

so there's no possibility

there will be a fire.

Come on, just imagine

50 guys out there,

playing golf

in the middle of the night.

I could get those

glow-in-the-dark golf balls

from my friend

at the atomic energy.

Come on. It'll be fun.

[ silence ]

you can bring, uh, all the beer

you want onto the course.

[ cheering ]

why don't we use the balls

that don't glow in the dark?

That'll add a little edge

to the game.

Yeah!

Then afterwards,

we can have a demolition derby

with the golf carts.

I like that!

You know what?

We'll take our shovels.

We'll go up

where all the greens are,

that grass they pay a million

dollars a square inch for,

and we'll just shovel

underneath it, flip it all over!

[ all cheering ]

actually, wait.

Hang on a second.

I think probably having

the party in the forest

would be fine.

No, no, no,

no, no, no!

On the golf course

is great.

'cause you know why?

You know why?

Shut up.

I'll tell you why.

Because what we do,

right,

we go skinny-dipping

in the water hazards, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

And then you know

what else we do?

We get up,

and to dry off,

we roll around

in the sand traps.

Wa-a-a!

Imagine that!

In the sand traps,

rolling around

to get dry in the sand.

I'm not invited,

so it's not, like,

a point or something.

I understand

there's going to be a stripper.

[ whooping, cheering ]

busty belinda bettendorf.

Oh, yeah,

I know her.

When I told noel about her,

he got so excited,

he burst into tears,

ran up to suicide rock.

Wait a sec, wait a sec,

wait a sec.

Belinda bettendorf?

That's -- that's the name

of noel's bride.

Noel's marrying

a stripper?

Huh?! Huh?!

[ laughs ]

I don't know.

He seems to think

that she's a legal secretary.

Well, don't you see?

That's why noel is crying.

He's probably called off

the wedding by now.

She lost her job.

I think douglas is right,

guys.

We've all just been snookered

out of a stag party.

[ all moaning ]

oh, no!

Way to go, noel!

Well, if there's

no other lodge business...

Douglas, give us

some entertainment.

I was never --

it was my first one.

I was gonna be invited

to my first one.

Well, boys, I've got something

special for you today.

I'm going to show you

how to juggle.

Well, of course,

we're all pretty disappointed

about there being no stag.

I guess we're gonna have to

come to terms with that --

you know, that our hopes

and our dreams are dashed.

Our plans were for nothing,

and we've all been kind of

betrayed on some level.

I guess in time

we'll be able to forgive noel.

You know, time heals all wounds

and all that.

But still, you know...

As for noel,

I'm sure that out there

somewhere

is a short, bullheaded,

female correctional officer

who would like to be

mrs. Noel christmas.

Noel christmas --

yeah, that's his name.

Of course, the people

that gave him that name

will be her in-laws.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'm gonna be coming

straight home after the meeting.

And hopefully noel will have had

a chance to return our gift.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

it looks harder than it is.

[ chuckles nervously ]

well, you could even do this

w-with other people.

Bob, why don't you

come up here

and show the boys

how to juggle with two people?

All right.

I guess so.

This is a great thing.

It goes really well at parties.