Free Apricots/Transcript

The complete transcript for Free Apricots

Opening Scene
{Red is standing on a bank of grass next to the lake.}

RED GREEN: Did you know you could mow your lawn with a sheet of plywood? {flips the board over onto the next patch of grass} There. Just leave that on there about three days and it'll stop the grass to just the right height, and then you flip her onto the next patch. Cut your mowing time in half! And what're you gonna do with all that time you saved? Well, usually, when you flip the board over, she's covered with grubs and worms. Pick 'em up and go fishing. {walks away}

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's "The Red Green Show"! And now here's the man who knows when to fold 'em. That's why he's in charge of the lawn chairs. Your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green!

''{Red walks in holding an apricot. He waves as the audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Boy, oh boy, big, big accident up at the bridge over Mercury Creek there, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I heard all about it. The truck driver lost control and dumped his entire load.

RED GREEN: Yeah, so did the truck. One of those freak accidents, really. You know, this time of the year, the salmon are trying to jump the rapids there, and he just happened to be going by with his window open.

HAROLD GREEN: {stepping closer to Red} Oh, boy. I hope the driver wasn't hurt.

RED GREEN: No, no, he's gonna be okay. Took a five-pound coho to the Adam's Apple there. {gesturing to his neck} He's in the hospital, but he's gonna be all right, like you say. But he can't talk, y'know, but what a mess, Harold. I mean, there was apricots everywhere!

HAROLD GREEN: Apricots, huh?

RED GREEN: Four hundred cases of them. We're afraid they're gonna go bad, so we put 'em all in Moose Thompson's garage for safekeeping. And I'll tell ya, they're pretty good eatin'. {takes a bite of the apricot}

HAROLD GREEN: You're eating stolen goods?!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: {concerned} Well, how does it taste?

RED GREEN: Well, like an apricot. {takes another bite, then suddenly winces} But you get used to it.

''{Red turns and heads for the door. Harold plays his switcher.}''

The Possum Lodge Word Game
{Harold is standing between Red and Dalton at the card table.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today's grand prize is for anyone who's ever dreamed of taking all their road maps and throwing 'em all away, jumping into a new 4x4 vehicle, driving across this beautiful country of ours. {laughs; pulls out a garbage bag} It's a garbage bag! Go ahead, throw all your road maps right in there, it'll hold up to a hundred road maps! {laughs} All righty, Uncle Red, {Dalton covers his ears} you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Dalton Humphrey to say the following word: {turns word sign around to the audience; word is...} Vegetable. Vegetable.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, all right.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. {sets sign down} Go!

RED GREEN: All right, Dalton, meat and...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Gravy!

RED GREEN: No, uh, meat and gravy and a...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...steak! Big steak!

RED GREEN: No, okay, with a steak, you have...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...bacon?

RED GREEN: No, now, Dalton, bacon is meat, okay? This isn't meat, but it's something you eat.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Hot dog.

RED GREEN: No, all right, no. Meat is protein, right? But corn, carrots and peas is...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...uneaten.

RED GREEN: Okay, all right. You got cauliflower and asparagus, spinach, that is...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...punishment.

HAROLD GREEN: Almost out of time, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Okay, Dalton, Dalton, you know your dad, he never ate a salad, he'd never eat any green stuff his whole– just meat, all right? And after seventy years of eating meat, he's...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...a complete vegetable.

RED GREEN: There we go. {starts ringing the bell while Harold applauds}

Plot Segment 2
''{Red and Harold walk into the Lodge. Red is holding another apricot.}''

HAROLD GREEN: That was the worst case of gluttony I've ever seen since the giant meatball night! Even the sound was disgusting! It was two hundred men slurping on orange goo. You guys gotta stop eating those apricots.

RED GREEN: We– We– We can't, Harold, we just can't. We don't like 'em, but you can't beat the price. {smiles; holds up the apricot} You wanna try one of these, Harold? They're pretty good.

HAROLD GREEN: No! That's ill-gotten fruit. I'll have no part in the trafficking of hot fruit.

RED GREEN: Oh, c'mon.

HAROLD GREEN: No! No!

RED GREEN: Just a little bite? {starts waving the apricot in front of Harold's face}

HAROLD GREEN: No. No. No, no.

{Harold starts following the apricot with his eyes, then starts making nibbling expressions toward it.}

RED GREEN: Y'know, there's great knowledge in these. Just a little bite. You'll learn something.

{Harold starts making a more concerted effort to catch the apricot with his mouth.}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, maybe just one little bite. {takes apricot}

RED GREEN: One little bite can't hurt ya, eh?

HAROLD GREEN: {takes a bite, then winces} Mmmph! Sour!

RED GREEN: {chuckles} See? See? You didn't know that before, did ya? {laughs and heads to the door}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold clinks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, we got a guy named Shorty O'Toole,
 * Stands about four feet six,
 * With an ugly face and crazy hair,
 * And a personality that's really a fix.
 * But Shorty married a beautiful girl,
 * Who works it all day and night.
 * She could have had any man in town,
 * But apparently she's afraid of heights.

Handyman Corner
{Red closes a door on the Possum Van and walks toward a shed.}

RED GREEN: You know, one of my wife's favorite expressions is, "Get a grip!" At least around me. But y'know, when you think of it, tread wear and tire grip aren't just my wife's concerns. {walks past the Handyman Corner sign} So this week on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you how you can turn regular all-season deep-tread tires into smooth racing slicks {picks up a flamethrower} using this flamethrower. All right, let's jack up the car and get to those tires.

''{Red picks up a stick jack and tries to jack up the car with it. The jack starts cutting into the door and fails to lift the car. After a few minutes, Red stops.}''

RED GREEN: {winded} All right, uh, this jack doesn't seem to be working... all that well, and even if it was, it'll only raise the car up two inches, which is no good to us. We need something that'll raise this unit up to a more workable level. {starts pulling the jack out} You know, like one of those hydraulic jacks that the mechanics have, you know? So that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna build one of those super-duper heavy-duty high-tilting jacks. We'll make the racing slicks another day. {throws the jack offscreen, causing it to crash into something} And at that time, I'll show you how to fix a barbecue.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has set up a lawn chair next to the car and placed a long wood board under the edge of the car and over the chair.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now all we gotta do is just raise the angle on the car there, so your wheels are right at eye level. You don't even have to do any bending. ''{points to head for a second, then starts pushing down on the end of the board. Nothing happens.}'' Boy, even these small cars are still fairly heavy.

''{Red pushes harder on the board, and the chair collapses underneath. Wipe again. This time, Red has placed the board on top of three cement blocks to act as the fulcrum for the lever.}''

RED GREEN: All right, that should do it.

{Red pushes down on the board until his feet come off the ground, but the car still doesn't move.}

RED GREEN: Man, I'm not heavy enough. Wait 'til I tell Bernice!

''{Wipe again. Red is standing by the toolbench.}''

RED GREEN: All right now, we talked this over, and Harold has come up with a theory that if I want to lift the car, my lever's gonna have to be longer.

''{Cut to a shot from overhead Red. The board has had several more boards attached to it with duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: Quite a bit longer. That's where this rope comes in handy. {jumps and grabs a rope attached to the high end of the lever, pulling it down} I just pull down on that, and the car goes up.

''{Red gradually lowers the lever down to the ground. The side of the car lifts off the ground.}''

RED GREEN: {holding the board with his knee} There. Now all I need is something to put on the end of the board to hold her down. {starts patting his knee and looking offscreen} Here, boy! Here, boy! C'mon, c'mon!

''{Red stops, then reaches with his foot to a nearby cement block, dragging it toward him. He puts it on the end of the board and stands up. The car immediately falls back to the ground, sending the cement block flying through the air. The block lands on the car, smashing the windshield and causing the horn to blare. Red tries to talk to the camera, then reaches inside and starts beating on the steering wheel. Wipe again. Red has the board down on the ground again and is stacking several cement blocks on the end.}''

RED GREEN: Y'know, it took us a little while and a whole lot of effort to get all these concrete blocks stacked up here, but y'know, Harold's young. He'll be able to stand up straight in a few days. {a creaking noise can be heard from offscreen} There we go, that should be able to get 'er up high enough, and we can get right at those tires!

''{Red finishes stacking the blocks, then walks over to the car. As he picks up a spider wrench, a crash is heard from offscreen. Cut to the car, which has flipped completely over.}''

RED GREEN: Uh... All right, I just– I just have one word for this: Perfect! And now you can work on all four wheels at once! Rotate the tires, check the brakes, eh? Service the muffler, pick up loose change that fell out of the seats... {the camera pans over the show the car resting on the Handyman Corner sign} This is a brilliant system, eh? {starts loosening lug nuts with the wrench} So long as you don't mind a little warping and rippling in your roof. And I'm sure Buster won't. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy! Let's see them steal this one.

Midlife
RED GREEN: Lemme talk to you older guys about something that's very important to you, that you sometimes take for granted, that you rely on, and that can sustain you in your old age: your tools. Now, we don't always take the best care of our tools, do we? Sometimes we use the wrong tool for the job, like that garden hose I melted when I cleaned out the transformer. Sometimes we leave our tools out in the bad weather, like that rusty drill press that's holding up my front porch. But you know, a– a tool can be a friend, and friendship, in fact, is a tool. It's like a reciprocating saw, because it cuts both ways, doesn't it? I don't know what that means, but I like the sound of it. Yeah, but I'm telling you, if your tool is a friend, you'll have a happy life. If your friend is a tool, you've got a problem. Now, what you wanna do is pick your friends the same way you pick your tools. You wanna look for quality, reliability, and strength. If you treat your tools right, they're gonna be a friend for life, but even better, treat your friends right, and you can borrow their tools! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{Red sits in the Lodge, clutching a bag to his stomach.}

RED GREEN: {looking very sick} Well, we've proven there's such a thing as eating too many apricots. And we've proven that there's such a thing as eating way, way, way, way, way too many apricots. But... every hour a couple more apricots go bad... {gulps} and we're barely halfway through the four hundred cases.

{Harold runs into the Lodge holding an armful of apricots.}

HAROLD GREEN: {excitedly} Uncle Red, I've got an idea! I've got an idea! I've got a great idea! I've got a– {offers an apricot to Red} Would you like an apricot? {Red winces and looks away} No? Okay. 'Cause I got this great idea how we can use up all the apricots! You know what we can do? We can have an apricot festival! That'll be great! {Red is looking progressively sicker} Yeah, and we can have, like, baked goods with apricots, we can have games with apricots, y'know, and the kids can have games too, like "Pin the Tail on the Apricot"! Huh? And apricot batting cages, and apricot milkshakes! Kids love apricot milkshakes. Y'know, and we can have the crowning of, like, the king and queen of the Apricot Festival! {laughs; Red winces more} The prize will go to the couple whose personality and appearance most resembles that of an apricot! {holds an apricot up to Red} Wouldn't that be fun? That'd be fun, huh? And for the men we'd have apricot wrestling! {makes wrestling motions with the apricots} They'd wrestle with all the apricots! That'd be fun, right?

RED GREEN: {looking extremely ill} Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: Yes?

RED GREEN: {quietly} Don't say the word "apricot".

HAROLD GREEN: Am I pronouncing it wrong? Apricot. Apricot. {Red quickly runs out of the Lodge, gagging} Apricot. Apricot. Apricot... {continues}

New Member Night
''{Red is standing in the basement in front of a group of gathered Lodge members. Standing next to him are Mike and a tough-looking man wearing suspenders and a plaid shirt. The man has his arms folded.}''

RED GREEN: All right, men, you know it's New Member Night, and Mike Hamar is here. And Mike, as you know, is an ex-con who's done some hard time, and he doesn't appreciate you bringing it up all the time, so, back off on that. So anyway, Mike has a guy he'd like to present as a new member. {looks at the man} I think we can all guess where he met him. {steps away}

MIKE HAMAR: Thank you, Mr. Green. Gentlemen of Possum Lodge, I'd like you to meet an associate of mine, Bugsy Hammerhan. Bugsy's coming off a string of bad luck. Not only was he wrongfully convicted of theft, but he was also unable to sell any of the stuff. Oh, and, uh, he can get us stuff we need from time to time, too, as long as you don't mind getting new stuff that has the serial number filed off. Or in the case of cars, some damage to the steering column. Now, another perk, if Bugsy joins, is that if anything goes missing around here, you pretty much know who has it, right? So, I urge you to go against your instincts and the advice of that parole board and– and let Bugsy join Possum Lodge. Thank you.

RED GREEN: Guys? All those in favor? {nobody raises their hands}

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, another thing is, uh, once Bugsy is a member, with his record, if anything bad ever happens around here, the cops are gonna think it was him and arrest him instead of you!

RED GREEN: {pauses} Aye! ''{raises his hand. The rest of the men follow suit.}'' All right, congratulations, Bugsy, you're part of the Lodge.

Plot Segment 4
''{Red and Harold walk into the Lodge. They walk somewhat stiffly, and Harold is holding his stomach.}''

RED GREEN: Well, I gotta hand it to Harold. That apricot festival was a huge success, there, boy. We, uh, we raised a whack of dough, didn't we, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {pained} Waaa... {hunches over} Ohh, I don't feel good.

RED GREEN: Might have been something you ate.

HAROLD GREEN: Mrs. Thompson's apricot pie sure had a funny taste to it. What was that?

RED GREEN: I think she used the wrong kind of onions. But, uh, anyway, I tell ya, we raised over two hundred dollars on the day.

{There is a firm knock at the door.}

RED GREEN: See who that is, will ya, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. {walks to the door and opens it}

RED GREEN: I tell ya, it's not very often at the Lodge here, y'know, we eat as many apricots as you'd ever want and then some, and we still raised a whack of dough. I mean, it was just a win-win-win all the way down the line. Very rarely at the Lodge we get something that just works out.

HAROLD GREEN: {closes the door and hobbles back to Red} We've sinned! We've sinned! We've sinned! I said we've sinned and you wouldn't listen! We've sinned!

RED GREEN: What? Was that somebody looking for apricots there, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! Oh, yeah! It's the truck driver.

RED GREEN: Uh-oh.

HAROLD GREEN: He wants to talk to you.

RED GREEN: How do you know?

HAROLD GREEN: Got a clenched fist. And he's not just the truck driver, either. He's also the local produce inspector.

RED GREEN: What?!

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, he said those apricots were unfit for human consumption! He was on his way to the hazardous waste dump site when he got in the accident! {hunches over again, looking very sick}

RED GREEN: All right, well... {looks confused} I'll talk to him in a minute. {Harold heads back for the door} Where are you going?

HAROLD GREEN: The hospital! I'm gonna have my apricots removed! {runs out the door}

The Experts
''{Harold, Red and Ranger Gord are sitting around a table. Gord is wearing a pair of sunglasses on his forehead.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show. This is the part of the show where we like to examine those three little words that men find so hard to say:

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} That's a truism, isn't it? {picks up a letter} All righty. Joining my Uncle Red in the Expert portion of the show today is Mother Nature's boyfriend himself, Ranger Gord!

RANGER GORD: {blows a kiss to the audience} Hello, everyone. It's great to be back in the real world. Or even here.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. Our letter goes like this, and it's addressed to our Experts. It says, "Dear Experts, how are you?"

RANGER GORD: {interrupting} Well, actually, I'm a little upset today, ladies and gentlemen, because I lost my favorite pair of sunglasses, but you know, it's not the end of the world. No way.

HAROLD GREEN: Ranger Gord–

RANGER GORD: That doesn't happen until the year 2015, it's in November, on a Thursday, and it's after lunch, okay? So you can't get too upset when you lose something. The thing is, you have to remember to replace the thing that you lost with something new. And the real tricky part is, you have to remember to replace the same thing with the same thing. In other words, you can't replace an old pair of sunglasses by buying a new waffle iron, okay?

''{Gord nods his head forward, causing his sunglasses to fall in front of his eyes. He looks around for a moment.}''

RANGER GORD: Excuse me, I think a fuse blew! {Red reaches over and takes the sunglasses} Oh, no, it's okay. Someone's got it.

{Red puts the sunglasses in his pocket.}

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses; flatly} Our letter continues... "I was hoping you could analyze a dream for me. I have this recurring dream that I am Ranger Gord."

RANGER GORD: Really? That is very weird, because sometimes I have that same exact dream.

RED GREEN: You– You– You dream you're Ranger Gord?

RANGER GORD: Yeah! Sometimes. Oh, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Are you sure it's a dream, Ranger Gord? Because you have to realize that... you're Ranger Gord...

RANGER GORD: Well, I mean, I think it's a dream. It– It starts off with these really two foxy-looking women. Ohhh, baby! And they're looking at me, smiling, and they start walking right towards me.

RED GREEN: Oh, this is definitely a dream.

HAROLD GREEN: I've had that dream, I've had that dream! I know that dream! I know the– I'm having that dream right now!

RANGER GORD: Really?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes! It's a good dream.

RANGER GORD: Ohhh! They put on snowmobile suits and do the Macarena for four and a half hours. Ohh, baby! {laughs}

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses; slightly disturbed} It's a little different from mine. But at least he's not having nightmares.

RED GREEN: Oh, no, with Ranger Gord, the scary part doesn't start until he wakes up.

Plot Segment 5
{Red and Harold walk into the Lodge holding each other up.}

HAROLD GREEN: This government has to stop cutting funding to hospitals! Three hundred guys and only one stomach pump!

RED GREEN: A lot of the guys didn't even wait for the pump.

HAROLD GREEN: Moose Thompson was in there for over an hour.

RED GREEN: Yeah, they should have switched to the fire hose for him, I think. Y'know, hey, there's good news here. There's no long-term ill effects on anybody, and even the truck driver is off the hook, because we processed all the bad apricots with our own digestive systems.

HAROLD GREEN: And we still have all the profits from the festival.

RED GREEN: Yeah, that'll help pay the fines.

HAROLD GREEN: Fines? What fines?

RED GREEN: Well, there was theft and littering and somebody parked my van in the ambulance spot.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah. Um, you go ahead Harold. I'll be down– Take it easy, I'll be down in a minute. You all right?

HAROLD GREEN: {turns toward the door} Gimme a push.

''{Red pushes Harold. Harold walks to the stairs.}''

RED GREEN: {to the camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I learned a very valuable lesson this week: fruit kills. {to the audience} And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice. {waves and walks to the stairs}

''{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Everyone is slowly sitting down.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, take your seats. We're about to start the meeting. {Red stands next to Harold} All rise.

''{Everyone stands up slowly with a loud groan. They slowly cross their arms over their chests.}''

EVERYONE: {slowly and uncomfortably} Quando... Omni... Flunkus... Moritati...

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone except Harold sits down slowly}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, just one brief announcement. It's from Stinky Peterson. Uh, he would like everyone to please wash off your apricot stones and bring them over to his house, because he's going to be graveling his driveway.