Once More To The Well/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

When a guy goes fishin'

it's not enough to catch fish.

You have to catch

the biggest fish;

you have to catch

it right away;

and most importantly,

you have to do it

around people who

aren't catchin' anything.

It's kinda like takin' your

girlfriend to harold's

chess club...

You're rubbin'

it in a little.

Luckily there's a guaranteed

way to catch big fish fast.

Get yourself a can of

this insulating foam.

When you spray this stuff

it expands to 100 times

its normal size.

Those were the

good ol' days, huh?

First thing you wanna do

is tie your fishing line

just under the nozzle.

That way when you cast

the nozzle'll pop off,

and the foam

will shoot out.

But first you gotta

bury the whole thing

inside this shiny

mylar fish balloon.

You can get these

wherever they sell them.

Then you just seal it up

with whatever you've

got around that's handy.

Then you just scrunch

it up real small

so that it looks

like a normal, shiny lure.

[ foam exploding ]

[ applause ]

see ya!

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Take it easy.

Thank you very much.

No, I appreciate that.

Actually got a bit of a problem

up at the lodge this week.

The well ran dry.

The local well guy says

we've got to dig it deeper.

But he wants an arm

and a leg for the job.

We figure we can do it

ourselves for just an arm.

Uncle red! Uncle red!

Okay, all right...

Are you responsible

for this?

No, your

parents are.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

I have bedhead!

There's no water.

How am I supposed to

shampoo, rinse, repeat

and leave in for

two minutes with no water?

Well, I suggest

you go jump in

the lake.

I can't.

I'm allergic.

You're allergic

to water?

Water, no;

possum lake, yes.

Just relax,

harold.

We've got the guys

drilling the well

deeper.

We'll have water

in a couple of days.

Couple of days?

How are we supposed

to stay clean?

Wear more cologne.

Why can't we just

hook up the town water

like everybody

else in the area?

Because then our

taxes will go up.

Plus they'll stick

a meter in there.

Then the guy comes by

once a month to check it,

and he starts

snoopin' around

and before you know it,

we're not allowed to

store our gas cans

in the furnace room.

Red, we're having problems

with the well drilling.

Mike brought this

portable well driller by,

but it's only

got a 35-foot bit,

the well's 40 feet deep,

so mike had to hang

down inside the well

while we held him

by the heels.

My oh my, what

could have gone wrong

with such a well

thought out plan?

Gravity.

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize is this

coupon for music lovers,

which entitles

the winner to receive

four accordions

and a sledge hammer.

No questions asked.

Okay, cover your

thingies, frank.

Mr. Green, you've

got 30 seconds

to get world renowned

hot dog expert frank koepke

to say this word...

Yeah,

all right, mike.

And...

Go!

Um, okay, frank,

um, this is something

that makes people

smile or laugh.

Wieners.

No, uh -- okay, no.

This rhymes with "choke."

smoked wieners.

No, frank, this has

nothing to do with wieners.

K.D. Lang!

[ applause ]

no, no, this is something

that people look forward

to doing around

the water cooler.

They hear this,

then they repeat it.

Who wants a hot dog?

This is something

people say that's funny.

Oh, who wants a

tube steak?

No, this is some --

it seems to be one thing,

then there's a twist,

and it's actually

something else.

A veggie dog.

No, no, no, no.

You know what?

Everyone has a few of these.

Sometimes they're dirty.

Kielbasa.

You're almost

outta time, mr. Green.

Frank, can you stop

thinkin' about wieners?

No, I don't think I can?

Well, you gotta.

There's more to life

than wieners!

Good one.

That's a joke, right?

There we go!

Announcer: Meet cheryl.

She's a computer programmer

who's looking for a good time

and maybe something more.

[ doorbell ]

this is winston,

a septic sucker

who's ready for lovin'.

Let's see how they did.

You look, uh,

lovely tonight.

Mind if I drive?

Winston: You know, my truck's

a very safe vehicle, eh?

No one ever tailgates.

You know, personally,

I don't really care for

mexican food that much.

But boy, is it ever

good for business!

You done with that?

Winston: Hang on.

Oh, yeah, just

wind around here.

So, uh, when was the last time

you had your tank pumped?

What did I say?

Yeah, so I go on

this overflow job, right,

but instead of one toilet

there's like 16 toilets!

And they're

all overflowin' --

well, anyway, uh...

Call you next week.

This is an exotic

car magazine?

A lot of high priced fancy

vehicles in this baby,

I'll tell you.

Ferraris and tiramisus.

Now a lot of guys avoid

looking at these magazines

because they can't stand

seein' things they'll

never have.

That's actually true

for all men's magazines.

But to me, expensive

can still be done cheaply.

That's because

I have imagination.

Now, those million-dollar,

european, high-performance,

fancy boy cars,

they're all red,

stand about yay high,

and they have the engine right

in the middle of the car.

See, the mid engine

balances the car

so she corners better.

Plus if you

smash into anything,

most of the expensive,

high-tech engine parts

will be protected

by your passengers.

I could never afford

one of those babies.

I mean, I had to wait till

payday to buy the magazine.

I can still have

a mid-engine car.

Okay, from the back

of the car to the engine

is exactly...

Around 12'11".

But from the engine

to the front of the car

is only 4'9".

So if I wanna have

the engine in the middle,

I can either move the engine

back around 5 feet,

which would wreak havoc

with my cup holders,

or I could lop 12 feet

off the back end,

but that would force me to

sit on the hood ornament.

So simplest of all,

all's I gotta do

is add 8 feet

to the front end.

Now, if you're doin'

this in metric,

best of luck to you.

Boy, that was

a lot of sawing.

But I've got the new chunk

to stick onto the

front of my vehicle.

The wheels even

turn on this thing.

Safe or what?

Now, I removed the engine and

drive train from the unit.

Well, actually, rust

and gravity removed them.

But I didn't fight it.

I gotta find some way

to flatten this roof down.

Otherwise, it's gonna

look kinda silly.

I'm outta

hacksaw blades, so...

You wanna use a fair whack

of the handyman's

secret weapon on this job.

I would recommend

five large rolls.

If that's too rich for you,

hey, maybe you can't

afford to have

a european-style

mid-engine car.

And for that

finishing touch,

to make this baby

look extra sharp,

put a pizza box

over the wheel wells

to hide where

the tires used to be.

I would recommend you

put a real good primer

on those pizza boxes,

because when

cardboard gets wet,

it loses a lot

of its strength.

Okay... So remember,

if the women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

This isn't an

old junker anymore.

It's a fancy italian

mid-engine junker.

And I'm not red green.

I'm umberto tortellini.

[ crash ]

[ applause ]

I have a shocking revelation

for you men out there.

There are people

who are smarter than you.

For you married guys,

this is probably not the first

time you're hearing this.

See, I've always known there

are smarter people than me.

But the thing that gets me

is how the age of

the smarter people

has changed over

the course of my life.

When I was a kid,

my mind was quick and sharp.

I'd have to go to up five,

maybe even ten years older

to find people

smarter than me.

By the time I hit 40,

the people smarter than me

were all around my own age.

That's when the

trouble started.

My age kept going up,

but the age of people

smarter than me

started goin' down.

It began with

a 25-year-old woman

explaining that

the bank machine

won't allow me

to withdraw cash

from an overdrawn account.

Then a couple

of years later,

it was a 16-year-old

skate boarder pointing out

that the cheap gas

I just put in my tank

was diesel.

Then last week,

a 9-year-old computer whiz

was tellin' me the reason

my monitor doesn't work

is because it's

a microwave oven.

But my stupidity can

be our little secret.

That's because

in most groups

I look like the smart one.

All these wrinkles and scars

from doin' stupid things

have given me the

appearance of great wisdom.

They assume I must

know a lot of stuff.

So all I have to do to come

across as a genius

is to just keep

my mouth shut.

If only I was that smart.

Remember, I'm pullin'

for you.

We're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

well, this is

gettin' serious.

We've given up on

digging the well deeper.

And this is the last

of our drinking water.

I can't bring myself

to buy the bottled stuff,

because after I die,

I'll run into my grandfather,

and he's gonna

give me a lot of grief

about payin' 12 bucks a

gallon for drinking water.

Mind you, if it's heaven,

there's a pretty good chance

that at least one

of us won't be there.

Now, harold wants us to

hook up to the town water,

but we don't

wanna do that.

We're gonna drill

a brand new well.

In fact, we've got one of

those water finding experts

coming over right now.

Hey, red.

Yeah?

All set to go.

Great!

Where's the water-

finding expert guy?

It's mike.

Mike fell down the well

and couldn't find water.

I don't think you

should use an accident

as an opportunity to

pooh-pooh me, mr. Green.

The truth is

when I was in prison,

I became very proficient at

using a divining rod

to locate

underground tunnels.

Give him

a chance, red.

Feels like a waste

of time to me.

Well, you of all people should

be comfortable with that.

Okay, here goes.

Oh, man.

There!

Wow! Look!

Golly, that's

convincing.

You have water

on the knee.

It's a medical

condition.

Hey!

So is that!

There's your water,

mr. Green.

It's right down

under that post.

That can't be right.

No, the stick

never lies.

Look down there.

It's maybe 9 or

10 feet down,

but it's there

all right.

But there's an electrical

outlet on that post.

Wouldn't the water

short that out?

No, no,

not a problem.

You sure?

No! No! No!

Red: Kind of an educational

film on tonight's adventure.

Walter was gonna show

harold how to milk a cow.

So, uh, in they go.

And they had a cow there.

A good start.

Harold's a

little tentative.

You know...

It's his first date.

No, harold.

No, no, no, no.

Walter realises he

has to start form scratch.

This is a kind of

a sidemount unit.

Just easy.

Just nice and easy.

Nothing to it.

See, harold doesn't

know how to react.

Hey, walter, you can have a

snack while you're working.

Oh boy!

[ chuckles ]

so, harold --

ah, no, no.

No, harold.

No, no.

You ever heard of

blood from a stone, harold?

So that's not workin'.

Walter realises

he's gonna have to spend

a little more

time teaching harold,

so he just happens to have a

surgical glove in his

pants there.

And he gets that out

and gonna fill that with milk

and use that --

we know, harold.

We know. We know.

Come on. Come on.

He's gonna show him

if he uses the glove,

just to kind of get

a feel for it.

You've gotta be

firm but gentle.

Firm... Watch this now.

Firm... But gentle.

But gentle.

But firm.

Come on now.

You can do it.

Firm but gentle.

Firm -- okay, no, no.

No, no, not that --

oh!

All right, plan "b," the

automatic milking machine.

These things go

onto the unit,

and then, uh, you just

throw the switch

and the vacuum, and it milks

the cow automatically.

This something even

harold could understand.

Harold has an

attention deficit problem,

and of course,

wouldn't you know it,

there was a

fly in the barn.

So it's coming around.

Harold can't ignore that.

So he's flipping --

just forget the --

harold, forget the --

it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter, harold.

Forget the fly.

The fly circles anyway,

right down the chute.

Meanwhile, walter

is turning on the unit.

And those things

have a lot of action.

As harold knows.

You can lose

your brains, harold.

Walter tries to

pull it off.

Uh, when someone's in trouble,

you should just stay away

because you can actually

get hurt yourself...

There like that.

So then he realises,

why don't I just turn

the machine off?

There that shut

off the vacuum,

and now you can take

the unit right off him.

And he should be fine.

Okay. You okay, harold?

Fine? You okay?

You good? You good?

You okay, harold?

Harold?

Don't lie to me.

[ applause ]

as you can see,

we're well into the

well drilling here.

We're already down

about nine feet.

We should hit water

any minute.

Now, we know electricity

and water don't mix.

So we're using

a cordless drill.

Uncle red, I just

wanna go on record

saying I think

this is a big mistake.

Harold, that's exactly

what your dad said in

the delivery room.

No! I'm talking

about putting a well

right inside the lodge.

You're taking

an awful chance.

No, we're not.

The well will be handy here.

The water won't

freeze in the winter.

Harold, this may

be our only chance

to have indoor plumbing.

What if it ends up smelling

like rotten eggs or something?

It'll be just like

a lodge meeting.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

We got it!

We got it!

We got it!

[ cheers and applause ]

let's see what

we've got, harold.

Huh? Hey?

That doesn't smell

like rotten eggs.

Just clean, fresh

spring water.

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Wait! Wait!

I know this taste.

Yes, you do, harold.

It's called crow.

No, it's

called chlorine.

That's chlorinated.

Yeah, you didn't

make a new well.

You hit the

town water main.

What's he

talking about?

Where's

he going?

Who cares?

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa!

[ applause ]

good, harold.

Good. Good.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you guys

go ahead.

I've gotta wait

till my pants dry.

Welcome

to my world.

[ applause ]

okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And the water's back on,

so I'll be able to wash up.

Unfortunately, we still

have that annoying drip.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, guys, have a seat.

Coming to order.

Sit down. Sit down.

Sit down everyone.

Everybody sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

Okay, men, we've just

accidentally hooked up

the town water.

And trying to get an idea what

it's going to cost the lodge.

So I've got a couple of

questions for you here.

How many of you shower

more than once a month?

Well, that figures.

Okay, how many of

you drink the stuff?

I'm talkin' about water.

I think we'll be fine.

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