Hindsight Is 20-20/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Announcer: Canada:

Vast, beautiful, unspoiled --

until the red green show.

It began with

one man and an idea.

My wife bernice said,

why don't you and your

buddies up at possum lodge

do something useful

for a change?

All right, now, that's exactly

what I'm talking about.

How come birds wanna get

inside the house so bad, eh?

What, are they tired

of all the blue sky,

all the freedom,

the wide open spaces?

You know, birds hittin'

windows is like people

gettin' married.

That was the same bird.

Now, that kind of logic is

impressive, isn't it?

You know what I think?

I think we need something

there to distract them,

something that will make the

birds stop before they even

get to the window...

I'm thinkin' bird feeder.

[ singing in german ]

announcer: Possum lodge,

a club on the shores

of possum lake,

where men are men and

mother nature is frightened.

Possum lodge, where men still

live by traditional values,

like druids or vikings.

Possum lodge,

the last place on earth

you'd expect to

see on television,

especially on

public television.

You can blame my nephew.

Harold wanted to see

himself on television,

because he wasn't doing so

well in real life, I guess.

But he was even more

useless back then,

so he needed me

to pave the way for him.

I've always found uncle red to

have certain attitudes

that are kind of...

Quaint, in an abrasive,

offensive way.

Sort of politically

incoherent.

But I thought, if I could

capture that on television,

the viewers would

force him to change.

You know, it's easier than

trying to talk to him.

I felt if I could

get some awareness,

some heat, then we could be

bigger than bass masters.

This was the late '70s,

and the next thing I know,

harold has booked me onto some

cheap canadian show called,

"the smiths" or something.

Smith!

I mean, why didn't they

use their real names?

Well, I know why.

I stuck a toy duck on my hat

to make it more entertaining.

I just did that to fit in,

because actors are all

nutso anyway.

He had that ridiculous

rubber duck on his head.

He'd go on "smith & smith"

and sit on a picnic table

and blab away.

Yikes!

Red green here, up at

the old lodger-oni here.

And, uh, you know,

I get a lot of mail,

and, uh, I take a look

at it from time to time.

And, uh, some of the questions

that come up, you know --

a fella asked me,

how, red --

how do you fish

from a canoe, red?

I don't know if that

was his exact words,

but he wanted to know

how you fish from a canoe,

so I thought, you know,

rather than just talk

about it,

I'd put a little

film package together here

that we may be

able to syndicate.

Who knows?

And, uh, just to show you

how to fish from a canoe.

You know, the indians did it,

and I think it's

one of the main reasons

that they ended up giving

this country over to us.

Boring. Slow.

It made mr. Rogers look

like cirque du soleil.

There was a tonne of negative

response from the viewers.

It just clicked.

Apparently they had

never seen so much

viewer mail.

I didn't actually

read any of it.

Didn't wanna get

a swelled head.

People called him fathead.

Clearly they were watching.

Red: The next thing you wanna

do, I think, is untie her.

You know it's hard enough

to paddle a canoe

without dragging that dock

and all them boats behind you.

Announcer: Humble beginnings

that would've gone nowhere

if it wasn't for the dogged

persistence of one person,

one person who wouldn't

take no for an answer,

who was relentless in his

pursuit of his destiny.

I did a power lunch

with some network bigwigs --

well, not "bigwigs,"

but the receptionist

had a little wig,

and I pitched her

my show idea.

And she asked,

is it a sitcom?

And I said, not really.

And she asked,

is it a drama?

And I said, only by mistake.

And she asked,

does it have a romantic lead?

And I laughed so hard

relish came out my nose.

Ha! Ha -- like that.

Next thing you know,

I've got my own series.

Remember that

phone call, harold?

I begged them to let

us have our own show.

I swore that with me

directing and producing

I could make uncle red

entertaining.

They just signed me up,

[snap] just like that.

You hear about these

actors who struggle

to get a break.

Hey, what is

their problem?

The next thing you know

we were into production.

I mean, we had to

write it, cast it,

get sets, props, locations,

sound, crew.

That took the

whole morning.

But that afternoon we

taped our very first show.

Uh, this right

here is a, uh,

a belt sander.

But I wouldn't advise you

to sand your belt with it,

unless you really are

into the celibacy thing.

Anyway, let me show you

how this works

with this little piece of wood

I've got right here.

Uh, that reminds me,

I, uh, wanted to talk

about safety goggles.

Anyway, uh, there's something

else you can do with

the sander.

It's good for

sanding big --

big flat surfaces,

like a door here.

[ coughs ]

now, with the door, the first

thing you have to decide is

which way is

the grain going?

All right.

Uh, the grain is, uh,

going that way.

So, uh, we sand

against the grain.

Now, you hold her level,

hold it nose up,

keep her steady,

and bring her down

onto the door.

[ crash ]

all right. All right.

That's right too.

I forgot.

You have to sand with

the grain.

What we'll do is just,

uh, swing the door around.

All right.

Now, get the sander goin'

and drop her onto the door.

[ crash ]

I'm obviously not going to be

able to finish this job

until I get a

longer work bench.

So, uh, until next time

remember...

If women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ applause ]

it's the part of the

show you like best.

Oh, all right.

So long and thanks

for watching.

Announcer: No one knew

what they were doing,

including the audience.

Critics say they

kept tuning in

because they thought,

"I must not be getting this."

the audience built as

people warned their friends.

Morbid curiosity kept

bringing in new viewers.

Red wanted to do

the whole show himself,

but harold felt

they needed guests.

Harold knew they'd

come a long way

and that a little uncle red

went a long way too.

Guests would

break up the pace,

like speedbumps.

I tried to get

like kevin costner,

russell crowe, george clooney

as guests, you know,

but there were

scheduling problems.

Except with kevin costner,

but we decided to go

with possum lake guys instead.

Kept it local,

like inbreeding.

Yeah, I was gonna get

to that this afternoon.

I was gonna do

that today.

But I got these cottagers

squawking at me like,

fix my boat.

Fix my boat.

Like we're never gonna

have another summer again.

Announcer: One such guest

was glen brackston,

local marina

owner and operator.

Despite his hectic schedule,

he found time

to appear on red's show.

When red first asked me to do

some stuff on the show,

I was pretty excited.

And I said I'd

think about it.

And then a few years

later it occurred to me

that, uh, it'd be a tonne of

free advertising for my marina.

Glen brackston would have to

be the laziest human being

I've ever met.

Most the guys around here

respect him for that.

Well, uh, being

on television,

I mean, you just can't buy

that kind of advertisement.

Well, actually, you can.

It's just it costs money.

And uh, you know,

it takes a little effort.

And effort has always kinda

been a conundrum for me.

So I said to red, yeah, sure,

I'll do your little show.

I figured I'd start off there

and then maybe I'd move up

to bass masters.

It is physically impossible

to drink a five-gallon

pailful of water

while lying down.

Announcer: Like all of the

guests on the red green show,

glen brackston felt

that the secret to acting

was to just be yourself --

if not more so.

Working with glen was like

working with molasses --

or any part

of a mole, really.

As a director, I found mr.

Brackston's energy

rather low key...

Like roadkill.

But the good

thing was, though,

he made uncle red

look energetic,

and that's not easy to do.

Okay, red, ol' buddy.

You wanna wing down there

and grab that thing?

Now, be careful.

Just use your legs.

You don't wanna end up

gettin' a bad back

like I got.

Oh, I don't want

a bad back,

but I wouldn't mind

one like you got.

Well, so much for

free advertisement.

I mean, the show might be a

big hit in iowa or salt lake

city,

but up here at possum lake,

nobody's watchin' it.

I mean, I was

losin' business.

I guess people assume that now

I'm this big shot tv guy

that I'm not gonna devote

the personal attention

to their boat

that I had in the past.

Now, what do I do?

Ease up on the on the

nozzle when I hear

her filling up?

Uh, well,

you can, red,

but, uh, that's if the

owner of the boat's around.

If he's gone, then, uh,

just keep her goin',

because you make a couple

extra bucks every fill-up.

That's a good tip for

you marina operators

out there.

Well, no one

around here watches,

because we can red

live and in person

just by driving

over to the lodge.

So even though

the red green show

made me this

big shot tv guy,

it ended up costing me

300 bucks in lost business.

But I'm a big boy.

I got over it.

He came to me,

demanding $300!

I thought it

was ridiculous.

But what could I do?

Well, harold ended up

giving me the 300 bucks.

[ scoffs ]

you believe that?

What a dufus.

It was great

having glen on the show.

But for some reason we could

never afford a wrap party

until he left.

Bitter? Ah, no. No.

It's all about

moving forward.

Yeah, I got my own show

in development now.

It's a sitcom.

It's like friends.

Uh, except it's

called "glens."

and instead of the three guys

and the three girls,

it's, uh,

me and five girls.

Yeah, we got fox pretty

interested in it.

[ phone ringing ]

glen wasn't

our only guest.

We had some guys

with energy.

At the time there was

this huge demographic

for those who

played golf.

That fat guy wally?

He was republican,

I think.

Demo-graphic.

Anyway, I thought I could

tap into that market

if we had a guest golfer.

Right. Oh, yeah.

There was a guy who worked

for the ministry of the

environment.

He was the only guest

that really scared me.

Red: Hey, bob!

Hi, bob.

Oh, hi, red.

Didn't even hear

you coming,

I'm so caught up

working, you know.

Water testing for

the ministry.

Announcer: As it turned out,

bob stuyvesant was a

complex man,

who had several

unresolved issues.

That was a time in my life

when I had difficulty focusing

you know, o-o-on one hand,

I-I was obsessed

with golf.

And then on the other hand,

I had a job that demanded

35 or 40 hours of

my time per month.

See, I would've thought this

was just an ordinary

golf ball here.

No, that's a

dimpled ergonometer.

Wow!

And this is not

just a putter?

No, that's the perimeters

for the windspeed indicator.

It's a

recalibration wrench.

No kidding.

And you don't just

call that a putt?

No, I'd call

that a birdie.

Bob claimed he worked

for the government,

but I never really

agreed with that.

He got paid by

the government.

But work?

But hey, maybe that's

the way they all are.

I always thought

he was gonna hit me.

And that's no way

to build a relationship.

Well, I've come a long way

since I left the show.

I retired from

my government position

with a full pension.

I love this country.

I never really did get

my golf game under control,

so I became a teaching pro.

You would not believe how

many really bad golfers

are out there.

Wow!

I think bob left the

show when he realized

that none of us were

ever gonna take up golf.

I think he's

an angry man.

Yeah, I blame the

golf on that.

I mean, it takes a lot

of time, it's expensive,

and your head gets

baked in the sun.

I never met a happy

golfer my whole life.

I don't know if I've ever been

happier than I am now.

You know, I look at

someone's golf swing

and I can give

them a few tips,

but basically I know

there's no chance

that they're ever

going to be any good.

And that gives me

great pleasure.

Hhh!

[ splash ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

♪ on a clear summer night ♪

♪ when a warm summer breeze ♪

♪ comes down to the water

and rustles the trees ♪

♪ a bunch of us meet there

and strip to the buff ♪

♪ because boys will be boys

and enough is enough ♪

♪ we go skinny-dipping ♪

skinny-dippin'!

♪ flop flippin' ♪

♪ when nature's callin' ♪

♪ we go cannon-ballin' ♪

♪ the creek rises,

the spirit soars ♪

♪ and the moon you see

might even be yours ♪

♪ skinny-dippin' ♪

♪ slappin' my butt

on the lake ♪

I wouldn't drink

the water.

Now he tells me.

[ chuckling ]

isn't she a beauty?

You know, there's only two

things that come into

your life once...

True love

and a good used police car.

The red green show has always

had

an intimate relationship

with law enforcement.

Many police officers

are fans of the show,

as are many of their clients.

We get fan letters

from guys in prison.

No women in prison,

just guys.

Yeah, it's when they use

their one phone call

to contact us

that we get a

little concerned.

Yeah, no idea why the show

would appeal to anyone

incarcerated.

Well, maybe it's the

fact that one of our

show regulars

is a career criminal.

Oh, right. Yeah.

And mike, now that you're

out and unsupervised,

tell the people at home

what's the one thing

that keeps you on

the straight and narrow.

Oh, urinalysis.

Announcer: Mike hamar joined

the programme in season four,

after red had taken him

under his wing

as a handyman assistant.

Mr. Green was really the first

person in my whole life

who was willing to look past

all my various faults

and misdemeanors,

and see that I was a quality

person underneath it all.

I really had no idea what

we were gettin' into.

But it beat workin'

with harold.

Before mike, my only experience

with the criminal element

was from people

grabbing my toque

and giving me wedgies.

So the first time

I went to meet him,

I wore tear-away underwear.

They're wedgie-proof.

That's my own idea.

All right, mike,

your mother is married to...

Uh, her job.

Exotic dancing's her life.

Harold: You got the sense

that mike had had a very

different upbringing.

The man who slept

with your mother.

Could you be more specific?

Okay, growing up

with just a mom,

you knew you had a...

Curfew.

Another word for "daddy."

lifer.

All right, mike,

if your wife has kids,

you'll be...

Long gone.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Just like your...

Father.

There we go!

Being around the lodge

all the time has been

good for me.

No question.

It's as dangerous

as prison,

but it's mostly accidents.

And there's a level

of acceptance that is

truly heartwarming.

Plus, with all those guys

around you all the time,

it's very difficult

to get away with anything.

I had decided to

let mike join the lodge,

and we actually did it on the

air in our fifth season.

See, with mike, you always

want lots of witnesses.

He obviously wasn't expecting

anything like that to happen.

That's right, mike.

You're still in your

trial period.

Yeah, I usually don't

do too good at trials.

Well, that's all

behind you now.

Mike has, unfortunately,

spent most of his adult

life behind bars.

Plus, I leaned on a few.

But I think it's been

good for you, don't you,

being around the guys?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, being around

you guys has been great.

I've been seeing the way you

dress and hearing the

way you talk,

and seeing what

you made of yourself.

That's convinced me I've

gotta get more education.

Oh, so you're going back

to school, are you?

Oh, yeah, I got my eye

on a business degree.

I'm gonna take my thesis

in, uh, economics,

and probably do a master's

in international money,

uh, lending.

Wow!

As soon as I get

my grade eight.

Well, mike, we've

been watching you,

and we think you deserve a

little pat on the back.

So, mike, welcome

to possum lodge.

[ applause ]

oh, really!

I'm in?

Yeah.

I'm a member?

Quando omni

flunkus moritati.

This is amazing.

I've never belonged

to nothing legal before.

Do you know what

I'm gonna do, mr. Green?

I'm gonna save up my pay,

and I'm gonna change

my satan tattoo

into a possum.

Well, that's great.

You know what else

I got for you?

In my wallet, I have

your membership card

for the possum lodge.

Really?!

Yeah.

Really?

Oh, you did this for me?

Boy, gee, thanks,

mr. Green.

Oh, it's changed

me for sure.

Like, over the years

I've had accomplices,

co-defendants,

fellow gang members,

but for the first time

I've got friends.

And with friends

you can share,

and no one calls

it squealing

or uses it against

you in a court of law.

My biggest mistake

was my first bank

robbery.

Crime doesn't pay,

does it, mike?

Not the way

I do it.

What went wrong?

Well, first of all,

I couldn't find a mask,

so I had to use

the drive-thru.

And so I wrote a note

to the teller saying,

this is a hold-up.

Then I put the note

in the little tube

and I sent it in.

Did they figure out

it was you?

Well, yeah, because I wrote

it on the back of one

my own cheques.

Were they mad when

they saw the note?

No, they were

laughing.

I wanted them to know

I meant business, right,

so I sent my

gun in with it.

That's the worst

things about mistakes.

Having to explain it

to your wife.

Red: Amen.

Oh, yeah?

Try explaining

to your mother

you got caught

robbing a bank.

Especially when she's

sitting at home waiting

for her cut.

[ ♪ ]

[ ♪ ]

all right.

Let's say you gotta get a pile

of dirt off your front lawn

'cause your in-laws

are comin' over,

and they always

steal your dirt.

All right, now you just wanna

lower down the height

with the height control --

or in this case,

the driver's window.

All right, now, you we just

gotta drop the bucket there

with our sun roof control.

And we just pull in the

drag control on the

passenger window.

And then just raise her up.

And then we can take over to

wherever we wanna dump her.

Is that luxury or what?

Remember: If the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Oh, yeah, we gotta dump

the dirt too.

What we have here is the

cadillac of backhoes.

No, actually, it's the

backhoe of cadillacs.

You wanna really horse

this down good

because, uh, you don't

want this thing coming off

at 3,000 rpm

going through your skull

no chair is worth that --

unless it was --

no, no, not even then.

Announcer: Part innovation,

part hallucination,

the red green show is known

for its eclectic mix of

jerry-rigged fixits

and handyman creations.

Red's ideas ignore

traditional styles,

good taste and

the laws of physics.

People think that before you

can accomplish anything

in your life,

you need to have a lot of

education and experience.

I'm living proof of all the

great things that can happen,

even though you might not have

either one of those things.

I learned by doing...

And then by repairing

what I've done.

I have kind of an inborn

curiosity and fearlessness.

I would say that's

the number one reason

I try to do all those things.

The number one reason

we could do those things...

Socialized medicine.

Without a doubt.

Just one last thing,

just to comment on eye

protection.

You know, you only

have two eyes.

Take care of 'em.

Announcer: Whatever the

empowering force,

the ingenuity of the

man cannot be denied.

With a dogged determination,

unlimited naivet,

a yard full of k-cars

and few hundred

rolls of duct tape,

red green has emerged as the

blue collar, retro engineer

of the 21st century.

People always wonder,

how do you think of

those things?

I have no idea.

People always wonder,

what were you thinking?!

He has no idea.

I say it's

a guy thing.

We have no trouble blowing

off a Saturday morning,

converting a hot

water heater into

a one-man sub.

I don't see too many

women doing that.

What my uncle means

is that these are things

that women

choose not to do.

They're certainly every

bit as capable as men are --

if not more so.

Well, harold,

nobody's excluded here.

Possum lodge is opened

to all races, colours,

creeds and sexes.

It's just that

for some reason

women don't seem to

enjoy doing things like

inflating hip waders.

Announcer: The lack of

women on the show

was a stumbling block

in the early years.

In one episode, an actress

was hired to play red's wife

so the programme might get

picked up by a network.

She became the first woman

to appear on the show.

Is it aunt bernice?

What?

[ ♪♪ drum,

cheers and applause ]

stay tuned to

the red green show

for more great fun.

Who are you?

I'm bernice.

That's my

wife's name.

Harold?

She's bernice?

Yes. I am.

And we're going to have

lots of zany adventures,

aren't we, dear?

Well...

If you can clear up

my real wife,

I'm willing

to give it a try.

It was something my agent

thought I should do.

It was an odd

environment for me.

They were all

nice and polite.

But, you know, just...

Strange, like being the only

girl at a high school dance,

only more awkward.

No one I know saw the show,

so you know, it didn't

affect my career.

Um, I no longer

use that agent.

I think laura really

enjoyed the lodge,

and would probably have

loved to be a regular.

I never got that.

Harold doesn't

understand women.

There've been other women

on the television show.

We did a bachelor

auction one time,

which brought me a lot of

interesting fan mail.

And a few seasons ago,

I came up with an idea

of showing behind-the-scenes

television,

with a young, female

programming executive.

It was the original

reality television.

Red: Then last season,

we had a contest winner

who appeared on the

"mr. Possum lake" episode.

She beat you,

didn't she, harold?

Harold:

I was retaining water.

Oh, wait a minute.

I've got buster hadfield's

pyjamas in the back

of the van.

You know, this may

not be a need to know.

No, no, buster

gave 'em to me.

He said they

were bad luck.

I was gonna use

'em as oil rags,

but you could put

'em on, dalton.

Announcer: Some women are

referred to, but never seen,

like red's wife, bernice,

and dalton humphrey's

wife, ann marie.

A few seasons ago, viewers

got to at least hear ann marie

as dalton tried to sneak

in after a late night

at the lodge.

Go right up there

and knock on the door.

Shhh!

Turn your lights off.

Ann marie! Ann marie!

I've locked myself out!

Ann marie: Who is that?

It's me, honey.

It's dalton.

You know, I heard a

noise down on the porch,

a-a-and it woke me up.

When I came out

to investigate,

the door locked behind me.

Ann marie: You are such

a moron, you know that?

Yes, I am.

Ann marie: ,dalton.

Yes, dear.

Coming, dear.

How come you're wearing

buster hadfield's pyjamas?

You know, we don't

all win when we wed.

When they say,

"for better or for worse,"

there's no limit

on how much worse.

Dalton has a rough

go of it at home.

I mean, it's a

tough combination.

Ann marie is

very competitive,

and dalton's a loser.

It's one of those

sad relationships,

you know where the man thinks

the best way to avoid

confrontation

is not to communicate.

So she fills

in the empty spaces.

Dr. Phil could

spend a whole season

working on ann marie

and dalton.

Announcer: ,dalton constantly

reminds everyone at the lodge

that he and his wife don't

have a successful marriage.

It's almost like

therapy for him.

And... Go!

Okay, dalton, um,

the opposite of married.

Happy.

My wife hates

the red green show.

It's not her cup of tea,

as they say.

Actually,

she hates tea too,

it's not

her cup of gin --

ahem --

it's not her thing.

I remember once

there was an emergency,

and I had to stay

overnight with red

in the same bed.

Ann marie found that

particularly offensive.

Dalton.

Yes?

What is that?

[ laughter and applause ]

what is what?

There's something

cold in the bed.

Oh, that's my

tire iron.

You expecting

a flat?

It's for protection.

I don't find you that

attractive, dalton.

And there's no sex.

None on the show, either.

Which is good,

because, you know,

some people are

just a little, um...

Uncomfortable about, uh --

mr. Humphrey,

you have 30 seconds

to get my uncle to

say this -- oh! Ho!

[ trembling ]

whooaa!

Sex?

[ applause ]

red: This boat's like a

wife for you, isn't it, jim?

Red, this boat is

not like a wife.

This boat is here when

I come home every afternoon.

Announcer: There was a failed

marriage in the first season of

the show.

Jimmy mcveigh,

the possum lake mailman,

spent all of his

time and money

restoring a

rotten old boat.

His wife finally

had enough

and sailed off.

It's not like I

didn't spend some

time with her.

I mean, I had her up

in that boat once

to help me lift

the engine out.

She was

bloody useless.

Well, it's too bad,

anyway, you know.

It is.

Yeah, it's a shame.

It is.

It's a shame.

It's a tragedy.

I mean, I could've

had that boat in the

bloody water by now.

You know, jimmy and dalton

were kind of the exceptions.

Most of the guys get

along really well

with their wives.

Really? Who?

Well, lots of

'em, harold.

Like?

Well,

bernice and I.

Well, yeah, yeah.

You and aunt bernice,

of course.

Unless you're home.

You know who got along

really well with women?

Buzz.

Buzz never married.

Well, maybe that's

the secret.

Buzz, can I talk

to you a minute?

Buzz!

Ah, man!

Stupid piece

of crap!

Announcer: Legendary

bush pilot, buzz sherwood,

always a high-energy

guest on the show,

lived life like he was

still in high school,

implying that

he'd actually gone.

Wow! Is that me?

All weird and

loud and crazy?

Wow! Is that how

I come across?

Cool!

Buzz was always

a little wired.

I thought he should

give talks to teenagers.

Wouldn't matter

what he'd talk about.

The message would

be the same...

Say no to drugs.

When we did the visits

to buzz on the old shows,

I always worked the camera.

The very first time

we visited him,

he head-butted the lense,

and that kind of set the tone.

My buddies always say, boy,

you must have some

great memories

of working on the show.

I say, no, I don't

remember any of the '90s.

I had a dog.

No, I wanted a dog.

One thing I tell people,

you know, who have done

the 12-step programme

and decided to become a

bush pilot in the north,

you never ever

get repeat customers.

I-I don't know why.

You just don't.

I remember one time

we went to visit him,

uncle red saw him playing

with a radio control

transmitter,

so we figured he had, like,

a new toy or something.

That would've been normal.

That wasn't buzz.

Whose plane

is this?

That's mine.

It's a little wussy

for me, don't you think?

So I ripped the

guts out of it,

and I put it in

my plane beauty.

You mean you're flying

a full-size plane

with radio controls?

[ laughing maniacally ]

whoo!

Here she comes!

Whoa, look at

that beauty!

Man, look at

that turn.

Isn't that cool?

It flies better without

you in it, buzz.

I love to fly.

I always have;

I always will.

But you know,

they got too many rules.

You know, "you've got wheels

on your plane, buzz.

"you're supposed

to land on land.

Or "you got pontoons

on your plane.

"you're supposed

to land on water."

I say, any time

you can land a plane

and you can walk

away from it,

that's a success, man.

[ ♪ ]

[ ♪ ]

we have a pretty broad

membership at the lodge.

Little bit of

everything, really.

I'm saying we also

had some entrepreneurs.

Glen at the marina,

dalton at the

everything store,

arnie dogan, the roofer,

and kevin black was a big

fancy pants developer

from the city.

Winston rothschild,

p.H.B., l.L.X.,

s.O.L., I.O.U.,

d.O.A., v.C.R.,

p.D.Q, q.T.,

and of course,

t.N.A.

Announcer: The most

famous lodge entrepreneur

has to be winston rothschild

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Wait a minute!

You don't have any education.

All you're doin'

is hosting this show.

You're no better than me.

So you're saying we're

both in the sewage

business?

Well, yeah,

but I take it away.

[ applause ]

yeah, I really feel

I've grown my business

since I started

doing the show.

If you take a look at

the progression of my

television commercials,

I started with some

pretty simple stuff.

Winston rothschild here

of rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services.

Call me if you've got a

gusher and can't flush her.

1-800-555-suck.

But now I've taken sewage

to amazing heights.

Announcer: Announcing

a motion picture event

of unprecedented scope

and unparalleled septic

significance.

Winston rothschild iii

in his first dramatic role,

as john toe,

a poor, itinerant

sewage and septic sucking

technician.

I'll be around,

wherever you look,

wherever there's a fight

where some plumber's

cheatin' some poor guy,

I'll be there.

I'll be there in the way a guy

reaches to raise the seat,

or jiggle the handle,

wherever people

flush without thinking,

or walk through their yards

without finding that

soft, mushy spot,

or enjoy the smell

of a sweet summer breeze,

instead of...

Something else.

I'll be there.

Announcer: Coming this summer

to a theatre near you.

Whenever I think about

how well winston has done

against all odds,

I get teary eyed,

especially if

he's upwind of me.

He talks about success

like it's been easy,

but I'm sure there

were plenty of times

when he was pumping

out a septic tank

and thinking things weren't

looking too rosy.

I think it all comes down to

what's inside you.

Oh, sure, when I spend an

entire day sucking out

septic tanks

it's easy for me to focus on

people's dark sides.

But hindsight is not going to

get me to where I plan to go.

It's funny.

I've got a slogan

on my living room wall,

made out of bits and

pieces of exploded hose

that says, "when life

hands you sewage,

"you make lemonade."

I guess I'm just lucky.

Well, some people go through

their entire lives

without really knowing

their true purpose.

But for me, uh, ever since

I was a young boy,

I've known that I was

put on this earth

to suck sewage.

[ chuckles softly ]

oh, sure.

Yeah. Yeah.

Kids used to tease

me a bit.

Uh, they'd say, uh,

winston likes to suck sewage.

Or, uh, there goes winston

the sewage sucker.

Or I also remember

them saying, uh,

hey, winston, why don't

you go suck some sewage?

You know,

that type of thing.

But where are

those kids now?

Well, okay, actually,

a lot of them have done

pretty well for themselves.

But that's not

the point, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I think when folks call me

they know they're

getting a real person.

Yeah, sure, you could --

you could call one of those

big, faceless, multi-national

sewage sucking companies,

but you know, it's not

always about who has

the biggest truck.

It's about --

it's about people,

people with, uh,

septic tanks.

If you're having

a problem, uh,

call me!

We'll talk.

I'm here to

lighten your load.

Winston is kinda the

exception around here,

in terms of how lodge

members feel about

their jobs.

A lot of them

hate their jobs.

Ha! I can think

of a few.

Ranger gord never seemed

completely --

what's the word?

Red: Sane?

Harold: Fulfilled with his

employment situation.

And bob stuyvesant never

struck me as a happy worker.

I'm gonna say two

words, harold...

Animal control officer.

That's three words.

I'll use a hyphen.

Garth harble here,

animal control,

with another important tip

on how you control

your animals.

Come on in here, red.

Boy, garth, a bit of

a head injury there.

Chasin' bears in

a cave, were you?

No, red, exactly

the opposite.

Announcer: Garth harble was

possum lake's original

animal control officer.

Plagued with

unfortunate maulings

and animal

related injuries,

he eventually left on

a full medical retirement.

Garth's job was

given to ed frid,

a man who shared garth's

inherent fear of animals.

Ed was siegfried

to garth's roy.

So, uh, what kind

of snake is this?

It's, um --

it's a cobra.

A cobra?

Wow, you brought a cobra?

Yeah. Yeah.

What was

I thinking?

Okay, so can we have

a look at it, ed?

Oh, no. No.

Um, I think we better just

leave it in the basket, yeah.

Oh, no, no.

That's kinda wussy.

Red, this is a

black-necked cobra!

Better known as

a spitting cobra.

Oh, they spit

the poison.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

How far can that

cobra spit the poison?

Farther than this.

Are we safe

here, ed?

Oh, yeah -- as long as

the lid stays on

the basket.

All right.

Uh, ed...

What?

Uh, I think, uh, the lid

came off the basket.

Really?

Um, uh --

wh-wh-what are

you going to do?

I have no plans.

Why don't you put

the lid back on

the basket?

Why don't you

put the lid back

on the basket?

Stand still.

Don't move.

He's s-s-staring

right at me.

J-shh! Don't move!

He's getting

ready to spit.

Oh, so am I!

Or-or-or did

you say "spit"?

Take this

garbage can lid

and put it in

front of your face.

It'll shield you.

Brace yourself.

Oh, I'm all

about education.

Yeah, I wanna

teach the kids

it's not just wolves

and bears we have to fear.

It's ferrets and

badgers and skunks

and pretty much

anything with fur, really.

And if I can steer just one

child away from animals,

or a career in

animal control,

then it's all

been worthwhile.

They say animals

can smell fear.

But with ed, you don't

need to be an animal.

You can smell it,

taste it, feel it.

Heck, most the time he

gets the whole room shaking.

I feel sorry for ed.

He probably thought all

animals were warm and loving,

like girls.

But then they

just turn on you,

call you a dork and tell

everybody you dance

like a kangaroo.

That can hurt a person!

There are many

myths about animals.

Like that whole,

make eye contact

and the animal will know

you're dominant theory.

That's bogus.

Well, I was making eye contact

once with a weasel.

He clawed me with

his back legs!

Eye contact means nothing.

It's claw contact,

tooth contact,

fang contact.

That's what it's

all about.

Announcer:

Barring a fatal attack,

ed frid can look forward

to being the possum lake

animal control officer

for many years to come,

because he has

no other prospects,

and no one wants his job.

I know something

else about possums.

They need air.

No, no, no.

He's fine.

He's just toying with us.

I think you're

going to have to

resuscitate him, ed.

What are you

suggesting, c.P.R.?

No, how about mouth-to-mouth

resuscitation?

Hey, folks, you wanna see

ed perform a miracle

here, huh?

[ cheers and applause ]

come on, ed.

Here you go.

And just small

puffs now.

Don't inflate him.

I don't mind a

guy being successful

or hating his job,

or whatever.

Where I have a

problem is the guy

who just can't find a

way to tell the truth.

Announcer: They say that all

men like to gild the lily.

But hap shaughnessy gilds

the entire compost heap.

You're telling me you

looked after a herd

of tigers?

Oh, it wasn't a big herd,

200 or 300 head.

But it was a handful,

roping and branding them.

It was violent work.

The rodeos were

nothing but a blood bath.

Is it my fault that I've

had a full and varied life?

I guess I could

just sit quietly

and not share my stories.

But who is that helping?

If he would just sit quietly

and not share his stories,

that would be a big help.

I like hap's stories.

With most the

guys around here,

you never know if they're

telling the truth or not.

With hap you know.

Czar nicholas --

or as I used to call him,

grandpa nick.

He hid my mom

in a large

faberg egg.

And, uh, he mailed

her to France.

All right?

She was brought up

in paris.

She even had a short

fling with ernest

hemingway.

So pregnant with me,

she emigrated to canada,

and she started up

a chip wagon in

port asbestos.

I think we owe it

to each other

not to be boring.

If you spend time with me,

you're going to hear things

that'll really make you think.

People can't believe

what I've done in my career.

But as I said, when I

was doing brain surgery,

hey, it's not

rocket science.

When I look back

on my life...

Inventing the laser,

saving the queen,

discovering fire,

dating all those

supermodels,

and the creation

of karaoke,

I think the thing

I'm most proud of is that

whether I've been in space

or at the bottom of the ocean,

I've been true to myself.

Ah, ba-dum-dum-dum.

"dear experts...

"what is the greatest

rock'n'roll band ever?"

easy: R.E.M.

No, no, no, harold.

I'll tell you the greatest

band ever -- canadian band,

the guess who.

I dunno, who?

Now, personally, I'd have

picked the rolling stones,

but since I was once

part of their band...

I guess the stones

shouldn't count.

Part of the band?

What'd you do, chauffeur

them around once?

No, played lead guitar

for a few months.

When keith richards

was too ill, you know,

with his, uh...

Didn't the age difference

get in the way at all,

mr. Shaughnessy?

No, they weren't that

much older than me.

Then afterwards, when keith

would go up to his room,

I'd have to take care

of those women that

wanted meet him,

the "gropies".

It was a good job,

though.

350 bucks a night.

I tell you, I would've

paid 'em twice that much.

Oh, wait a minute.

What have we got here?

Oh, for gosh sakes.

A guitar.

Here you go, hap.

Play us a little

rolling stones music.

Are you trying

to embarrass me in

front of my fans, red?

No, just trying to get

a little satisfaction.

Red: You got him, harold?

Oh, lost him in the sun.

Oh, boy.

Well, you've gotta

have her tight.

Gotta pull that tight.

Stupid -- oh!

Announcer: One of the

most popular features on

the red green show

has been the

adventures with bill,

featuring bill smith.

Bill was the original

outdoorsman.

Indoors he causes

too much damage.

Bill felt from

an early age

that a man would be judged by

what he has in his pants.

Of all the characters

of the red green show,

none is more

enigmatic than bill.

The original adventurer,

ever optimistic,

ever resilient,

ever childlike --

in the sense that children

should be seen and not heard.

Bill not talking on the

show is no real

conspiracy.

He just mainly

did the adventures,

and we don't microphones

on the movie camera.

Bill can talk.

That's for sure.

Oh, yeah.

He can talk.

He'll talk to you,

if you want him to.

Do you want him to?

Talk? Oh, I talk

all the time.

Just ask my wife.

Mind you, if you do,

you're on your own,

because she'll give

you an ear full.

My wife could talk

the ears off a potato.

Oh, she's got the

gift of the gab,

with the yackity, yackity,

yackity, yackity, yackity...

So, yes, sir,

I talk all the time.

I say things like,

look out, red!

Or, oh, that'll

leave a mark.

But you never get to

hear any of my witty

rejoinders or my warnings

because red narrates

the whole thing.

You know, to kind of

explain what's going on.

And apologize for

what's going on.

And also for the kids,

to warn them,

don't try this at home

for legal reasons,

which is fine,

but my wife,

she says that sometimes she

thinks red's in love

with the sound

of his own voice,

which to me is

a case of tough love,

because red green's

got that growl

like my three-pack-a-day

aunt clara had

just before she coughed up

her lung and died.

Worst thanksgiving ever.

Put me off stuffing

for a decade.

Still, not her fault.

She was a lovely woman.

Oh! She was a lovely --

aunt clara was a lovely --

not physically lovely.

Physically she was what you

might politely call

someone with a lot

of character.

Unpolitely you'd say

she had her father's looks.

Really, too much

of her father's --

with the facial hair

and everything.

That reminds me.

Did you ever wonder why

some warts and moles

get the hair

growing out of 'em?

Well, I used to wonder too,

until aunt clara said

it's not polite to stare.

[ ♪ ]

[ ♪ ]

welcome to

talking animals

with local animal

control officer, ed frid.

Ed has brought us in

an electric eel today.

Come on.

Come on up here, ed.

Get up here.

Announcer: Over the years,

the red green show

has built a range of

regular segments

that viewers have

come to expect and embrace.

As producer, I knew the key

was to produce a lot of

little segments

that would score with

our target demographic.

It's just way easier

to keep doing the same

thing over and over

than to think of

something new.

It's the same thing

that keeps a lot of

couples together.

Harold: We had this

emergency phone line,

where guys would phone in

with their problems.

We had a segment entitled

"male talk,"

where uncle red and I

would answer viewer mail.

"I am your number

one fan --"

or fur -- or -- fuzz.

"I'm your

number one fuzz.

"I never muss

a simple epilogue.

"I have every epilogue

of the dead bear show

on type.

"my flavorite part

of the snow

"is handyman's coronary.

"m-my waif says her

flavorine part of

the plo-yam

"is adventures with boil.

"she rally licked the

one where boil built

the hand glitter

"and tried to fry it.

"kelp up the

gord walk"

"and yelp your

stake on the ice."

[ laughter ]

"your fried, bleb."

oh, "b.S.,

"bleach cinch me up for

the bossum lounge farclum."

okay, well, uh,

thanks for "rotting," bleb.

Very glad you

"employ" the "shaw."

and I'll certainly

tell "boil" that your "waif"

really licked

ad-wrenchers with boil.

Drop us a line

some time "soup,"

and I'll get my

nephew "herman" here

to singe you and your waif up

to the possum lounge farclum.

Announcer: Although the

male call was emasculated

after the sixth

season of the show,

its function, namely

to allow red to sit down

while doing the show,

was taken over

by the experts

that featured the three

little words men find

so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

Ha! Neither do they.

Announcer: Similarly,

the guys at the lodge

would bring things

in to red to fix

in the repair shop part of

the programme they call...

If it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

Announcer:

A few seasons featured

the men anonymous meetings,

where men would confess

their transgressions.

The only part that survived

was the man's prayer,

which became a regular

part of the closing meeting.

Red: All right, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

All: I'm a man,

but I can change

if I have to,

I guess.

Announcer: And the part of

the show that became the basis

for a weekly newspaper column

and one book so far

is red sitting at his desk,

talking to middle aged men.

As with all parts

of the show,

where he doesn't have

to stand or do anything,

it's red's favourite feature.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

And one of the most

popular segments is

the word game,

where red gives clues to

clueless contestants

about a secret word.

This is what your mother's

got on under her dress.

Tassels.

All right, buzz.

On your birthday,

your girlfriend brings

you something in bed...

You want me

to say what?

No. No. No.

All right, the way you

react to friends

and family.

Defence mechanisms.

Remember that girl

you went with in college?

What did she call you?

Pookie pants.

Okay, mike, this is

something people are afraid

will happen to them

in the shower.

At home or in prison?

At home.

Oh, slip.

We've done a

couple of segments

that really stunk the

joint out, though.

Well... I think

as artists,

you have to fail

every now and then

or otherwise you're

not pushing yourself.

Right.

Remember those segments

you used to do, harold?

Oh, man.

Uncle red asked

me specifically

to come up with my own

segments for the show.

He begged and begged.

I figured, good,

I won't have to work with him.

Something that would

appeal to the younger people

who saw uncle red

as, maybe,

an old man...

Which he is.

And I said fine,

but he gave me no budget.

Uh, this is the

time in the show

where we, uh, take a minute

out from the entertainment

and the pleasantries

and have a chance

to just sort of be

bored out of our minds.

Harold.

Okay, we're gonna talk

about your first date.

Okay, many of you,

unlike me,

have never been out on

a real date with a girl.

Okay, first things first.

Okay, don't -- do not try

and kiss her in the hallway

with her parents there.

Don't.

Second, never make fun

of people who play lotteries

until you've ascertained if

indeed she plays lotteries.

And the worst -- who ever

thought this could've

happened?

It's horrible.

Maybe her family makes

their living selling

lottery tickets.

And when you get

out to the car,

and her foot's

not inside the car,

don't slam the door.

Don't -- like maybe

you think it's a seat belt

and you keep slamming.

It's not, don't.

It's a leg.

It smarts... According to

people who have been there.

And next, when, um,

you go out to dinner,

and say -- say you don't

have enough money to

cover the bill.

Okay... Don't start crying.

Don't do that.

And then finally,

when you're going home

and you're kissing

her good night,

and she doesn't want to,

don't ask her why.

In the early days,

harold was directing and

producing the show

while he was on it.

His secret: A.D.D.,

and a real-time

digital video switcher.

But as he got older

and went to college,

he gained exposure

to another world,

a world that saw him

as an employable asset,

rather than an

embarrassing nephew.

I had been offered a

job in the city.

And I wanted to take it.

But when it came

to the crunch,

I had trouble

breaking it to uncle red.

Oh, but I'd have to go,

and I couldn't leave

you to do the show alone.

Oh, no, no, no.

I know that.

I'm just telling you,

that's all.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna stay here.

Like you, all your life,

right here in possum lake.

I don't need the hassles

of the big city.

You sure don't.

No, siree.

Harold, you know

what I'm thinkin'?

I've never had

a clue, really.

Just think

about this...

What say you take

the job with the company

just for a laugh

and try it out?

Take the job?

Just for a laugh.

Yeah, and then I'll

come down and visit you

at your job, eh,

and we'll make that

a segment in the show.

Oh, I don't know.

You shooting in

the city?

From what I hear,

everybody's shooting

in the city, harold.

And then once

in a while,

you come up here

to the lodge,

and be on the show here.

Okay! Okay!

Let's try it.

Let's give it a shot.

I'll tell you

something, harold,

you're not such

a bad guy.

I'll tell you

something, uncle red,

you're not such

a bad guy either.

You know

something else?

You're pretty smart.

You're not such

a bad guy either.

We had a whole season there

where I would go

and visit harold

at his job in the city.

It was okay,

but I was never

comfortable there,

and I don't think harold was

comfortable having me there.

It was something

that I needed to do.

I needed to prove to myself

that I could cut it in

the real world.

Once I knew that,

I think I was ready to go

back to uncle red's world.

Red: I think you have to

appreciate that

we are two different

people here.

Harold: We have

different interests,

different needs.

I remember in one of our

christmas specials,

we gave each other

gifts at the end.

And I think that pretty much

says it all about our

relationship.

Uncle red,

I've got you a gift.

Oh, well,

thank you, harold.

I appreciate it.

Wait a minute.

I seem to have something

here in my pocket.

Oh, by golly.

It's a gift of some kind.

I wonder who

this is for, huh?

What does it say

on the tag there?

No refund

without sales slip.

Other side.

What does that say?

Oh, to harold,

from uncle red!

There you go.

Thank you.

No problem.

By golly,

this is --

you know what it is?

You know what it is?

No.

It's an electronic

organizer.

It's really cool.

It's like an electric

computer, you know.

You put all your messages

and phone numbers in there,

and it electronically

reminds you.

That's great, harold.

Thank you very much.

Oh, you're welcome

very much.

[ applause and cheers ]

you know what it is?

Yeah!

Thank you.

You're welcome,

harold.

Merry christmas.

Merry christmas,

everyone.

Harold returned full time

on the first

show of our 11th season.

There was this high-paying

marketing job that

came available.

Everyone in the

lodge was goin' for it.

At the end of the show,

when harold came in,

the live audience

went ballistic.

Gentlemen,

I'm pleased to present

the newly appointed director

of public relations

for the county

of possum lake.

[ cheers and applause erupt ]

I think we get along

a lot better now.

I mean, we're giving each

other a little more space.

I think there's

more of a mutual --

it's a maturing thing.

Harold's come

a long way.

Yes, I have...

By comparison.

We've all been

pretty lucky.

And I owe so many thanks

to the viewers

and the people

who make the show

and the television stations

who try to keep us

on the air.

Yes, and I too have a

lot of people to thank

for all the years of good

times that we've been

allowed to have.

Well, you're welcome,

harold.

Keep your stick

on the ice.

Closed captioning performed

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www.Intercaption.Com