Harold's Leaving

Red has to face the prospect of running the show without Harold.

Cast (In order of Appearance):, , , ,

Transcript
''{Red is standing inside next to a large window. A bird flies into the window and bounces off.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now that's exactly what I'm talking about. How come birds want to get inside the house so bad, eh? I mean, they turn down all that blue sky, the freedom and wide open spaces... Y'know, birds hitting windows is like people getting married. {turns to the window to see another bird fly into it, then turns back to the camera} That was the same bird. Now that kind of logic is impressive, isn't it? Huh? Y'know what I think? I think we need something there to distract them. Something that'll make the birds stop before they even get to the window. I'm thinkin' bird feeder!

''{Red reaches down and picks up a bird feeder, holding it up in front of the window. Immediately, dozens of birds start flying into the window. He sets the feeder down again, and the birds stop.}''

RED GREEN: That should go on the outside. {one more bird hits the window.}

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Red Green Show! Ha ha ha! And now, here's the man who made television what it is today. Your host, your hero, my uncle. {Red starts to walk into the Lodge} The man who brought the Great Outdoors indoors and left a lot of dirty footprints doing it. {Red looks confused, then turns around and walks back out the door} The man who is here now! He's the last of his breed, but certainly not the least of his breed. He's the one who has that vision. Leaders don't have it often, but this leader does, {Red walks back in again, looking even more confused, then heads back out again} especially when he has a half-case of beer or so. The man who natives call "Dances with Duct Tape". A man whose shoes will never be filled, {Red peeks back in from the door again} unless of course he's walking on sand without socks. The man who set out to prove the critics wrong! {Red walks up next to Harold, looking annoyed} The man who set out to prove the major networks wrong, and all their advisors! The man who set out to prove that the- the general viewing audience is wrong! And he went out to prove that the higher educational authorities were wrong, and the mainstream psychiatric profession&mdash;

RED GREEN: {yelling} Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: {startled} Doh! Red Green!

''{The audience cheers, and Red waves flatly, glancing annoyedly at Harold. Harold looks uncomfortable.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. {looks at his watch} Well, we're out of time.

HAROLD GREEN: Sorry for that. I just wanted to give you an introduction with some heat and hype, because, y'know, you really need the momentum.

RED GREEN: Ah-huh? Well, maybe I wouldn't need the momentum if I wasn't carrying all that dead weight. {points at Harold} What do you think about that, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: You going on a diet? {laughs}

RED GREEN: {sarcastically} That's funny.

HAROLD GREEN: {stepping closer to Red} No, I just said that because I was giving you a good introduction because it might be the last one I ever give you, right? You never know! You never know! You never know! So, I thought I'd give you a good introduction, y'know, go out with a bang. Y'know, some energy, some oomph!

RED GREEN: Now Harold, don't you be teasing an old man and getting his hopes up. I already went through that with Viagra. Anyway, where would you be going, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, me? I'm going to University!

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah, you won't have to worry about me any longer. I'm going on for a higher education, getting on my with my life.

RED GREEN: {sarcastically} Yeah yeah yeah yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah yeah yeah yeah!

RED GREEN: {chuckling, still not getting it} Yeah yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! Yeah!

{The Red Green Show logo appears}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game, and joining my Uncle Red today is Mr. Dalton Humphrey of the Humphrey Everything Store. And we're playing for a very special international cuisine-type prize today, wa ha ha!, from Warren's House of Condiments: "Ketchups Of The World!" Yeah, you're gonna like that one.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

{Dalton looks dubious of the prize.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Humphrey to say this word. ''{Dalton covers his ears. Harold brings out a sign and holds it up to the audience}'' Charity. {starts to set the sign down, then picks it up again} Charity.

RED GREEN: All right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {Sets the sign down, then yells in Dalton's ear} Go! {Dalton flinches}

RED GREEN: All right, Dalton, this begins at home.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Bad mood?

RED GREEN: Okay, this is something that you do because it feels good, or maybe it's a tax deduction, eh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Have kids?

RED GREEN: No. Okay, okay, when you put a dollar in the UNICEF box, it's–

DALTON HUMPHREY: –because the kid wouldn't give me change.

RED GREEN: All right, say somebody's begging you for money because they want to get clothing or food or something, and you got not chance of ever seeing anything from it. You would call that...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Family.

RED GREEN: No, how about giving support to the less fortunate? What would that be?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looks confused} Sorry, I'm not familiar with that.

RED GREEN: Oh man. The Salvation Army! That's a place for...

DALTON HUMPHREY: {adjusts his tie} Men's apparel at affordable prices.

HAROLD GREEN: {amused} Almost outta time, Uncle Red. {Dalton gestures frantically} You're not even close, he's not even gonna get it.

RED GREEN: No?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh no, you know why? I'll tell you why. Your clues are bad. Bad! {laughs} Ultra bad.

RED GREEN: Alright, Dalton, remember Susie McClintock agreed to go on that date with Harold?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, charity!

RED GREEN: There we go. {starts ringing the bell, and Dalton cheers while Harold looks chagrined.}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red is playing guitar near a campfire, and Harold is tapping on a gas can.}

RED GREEN:
 * Well have you ever seen a wrinkled dog, covered with creases and folds?
 * Either too much skin or not enough bones, it makes him look tired and old.
 * A wrinkly dog seemed odd to me, kinda dangerous jumpin' a fence.
 * But since I put on a pound or two, extra skin makes a lot more sense.

{Harold imitates a dog howling.}

Plot Segment 2
''{Harold is trying to open a drawer in a desk. After a moment, it suddenly flies out and lands on the floor behind him. Red walks in carrying Harold's audio switcher while Harold turns around to pick up the drawer.}''

RED GREEN: What're you doing, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {startled, spilling the drawer's contents on the desk and floor} What!? Oh, hi! I was just looking for some of my stuff.

RED GREEN: None of your stuff here, Harold. {sets the switcher on the desk, gesturing to the items on the desk} This is all real stuff. This is stuff you use in the real world, not stuff you use in college, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah? Well, I found my lucky pencil. {holds up a pencil}

RED GREEN: {takes the pencil} Oh, no no no, you don't need a pencil, no no no. Pencils are for people who make mistakes, Harold. You can erase a pencil. College boys don't make mistakes, do they, huh? College boys use pens, or those indurable markers, don't they?

HAROLD GREEN: {annoyed} Indelible markers.

RED GREEN: Pardon me?

HAROLD GREEN: {quieter} Indelible markers.

RED GREEN: Yeah. {pauses} Harold, you can't go away to college, and that's it. I'm sorry.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, why not?

RED GREEN: Well, uh... well, who's gonna produce and direct the show, for starters?

HAROLD GREEN: Huh! Well... {shocked} I nev– Oh, I'm sorry, I never even thought of that! I never even ''thought! Ohhhhhh!'' Oh, I just can't take off, can I?

RED GREEN: You can't, sir. You can't walk away from your com– As much as I'd like to see you go, Harold, I just, I just– You can't leave your jobs no matter how bad you were doing 'em. Y'know? {Harold shakes his head} I appreciate it.

HAROLD GREEN: I cannot believe that I didn't think of that! Oh, I'm sorry.

RED GREEN: Fair enough.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, well, whose fault? My fault. Okay.

RED GREEN: Water under the bridge, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I'm s– {stands up, starts slapping his forehead} All right... {picks up his switcher}

RED GREEN: It happens, it happens. Good to have you back, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: What? No, I was just going to say that this button here? {presses a button on the switcher, causing the camera angle to change} That's the one that switches cameras, okay? {presses another button, and the camera angle changes again} That's your sound levels right there. {presses another button, causing a logo of The Red Green Show to appear} That's your graphics.

''{Harold presses another button. A video clip slides in from the left, showing Red next to a lake with a boat made out of heating ducts. The clip slides back out again.}''

HAROLD GREEN: That switches the next segment into the next segment. Okay, that's all queued up, that one. {indicates another button} This is your power button, play...

''{Harold presses the button, and a black and white video clip appears, showing Red and Bill standing under a ladder. Bill walks around toward the front of the ladder.}''

HAROLD GREEN: This is stop. {cut back to Harold and Red} There! Huh? Now you're all set to run the show the way you've always wanted to. {sets the switcher down} On your own. All by yourself. {sadly} Yeah, well, because I know you've said that so many times, and it's something you've always been looking forward to. {Red looks unsure about how to respond} And well, I wanted to, I wanted to say, {seriously} that after all these years of being together, I want to thank you very much for putting up with all of my incompetence. {walks out of the room}

AUDIENCE: Awwww...

RED GREEN: Uhhh, um... {looks uncomfortable and confused, picks up the switcher} Uhhhh...

''{Red presses a button on the switcher. A series of sound effects play. The Red Green Show logo slides in from the left, then slides up out of the screen. Behind that, Bill's face appears. Red presses more buttons, causing random squares to flicker on the screen. Then several extremely short video clips play. Red starts banging on the switcher. The screen abruptly switches to a black 3 on a blue background, which counts down to 2 and beeps.}''

Handyman Corner
{Red is sitting in an old recliner next to the lake.}

RED GREEN: If you're the kind of person who would enjoy spending your quality family time out fishing, y'know, by yourself, you're really gonna love the project on this week's Handyman Corner.

''{Cut to a wide shot, showing the Handyman Corner sign sitting next to the chair, along with a circular saw. A boat is visible behind him. Red tries to recline the chair.}''

RED GREEN: Sure, they got comfortable fishing boats, but are any of them as comfortable as your favorite recliner? {chuckles} No sir. {lies all the way back in the recliner} So I say we take some of the comfort out of your home and put 'er out onto the lake. Now, you could just take your favorite chair and stick it into your favorite boat there, but that would be kinda tippy {starts struggling to sit back upright} and probably look foolish. And if there's one thing a handyman has, {struggles more with the chair, then gives up and sits up with the recliner back still down} it's his dignity. {stands up and walks over to a pile of heating ducts} And bruises. So what we're gonna do is, we're gonna mount that chair onto a couple of pontoons we're gonna make out of these {slaps one of the ducts} home heating ducts. Now the first thing you wanna do is to seal up all the openings here. I would suggest, don't go cheap on this. {pulls out a roll of duct tape and peels off a strip} It's your life that's at stake, so use the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {starts laying the duct tape across the opening of one of the ducts}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has covered the openings of several ducts and numbered them. He is currently covering the opening of a duct labeled "13".}''

RED GREEN: You can pick up these ducts pretty cheap down at the hardware store. But if you're like me and don't have the deep pockets, just go down to the basement there and just rip 'em right out of your whole house. You won't need heat this time of year, and might as well be using 'em for something, right? Oh, just be sure that you number them {taps the "13" duct} so you can reinstall them come next winter.

''{Wipe again. Red has assembled the ducts into a long, U-shaped boat with two pontoons connected by two crossbeams. He is adding a last piece of duct tape to one end.}''

RED GREEN: All right, that's got us our catamaran, or ductamaran. {chuckles, gets in front of the boat} Boy oh boy, kind of an emotional moment! Not very often you get to build a whole boat in less than a day. {looks at his watch} Actually, less than an hour. {pushes the boat into the lake and watches it float for a moment} Okay, the hull's seaworthy. Now all we gotta do is add the furniture. Actually, I should say, her hull is seaworthy, eh? Boats are called "she", because they keep men out of the deep stuff.

''{Wipe again. Red sets down a plank with a fish duct-taped to it. The camera pans right to reveal a variety of living room furniture near the boat, including a cabinet with a lamp on it.}''

RED GREEN: Now we got a little more buoyancy than I figured on there, so we can really outfit our boat in style. {walks toward the recliner} Now, one of those has gotta be your recliner, because it's gonna be out in the elements there. Experience tells me to go with one of your heavier man-made fabrics... ''{picks up the cover and sniffs it, then starts coughing violently. He then starts dragging the recliner toward the boat} ...because you know the water won't bother it too bad, and if you bait or fish guts on there, you can just hose it off with a beverage. {coughs} One way or another. {coughing more}

''{Wipe again. The camera zooms out from the fish on the board, to reveal that Red has attached all of his furniture to the boat with duct tape. The recliner is mounted on the back of the boat, facing cabinet and lamp and a number of other items attached to the front end. An outboard motor is mounted between Red's legs and between the pontoons of the boat.}''

RED GREEN: All right, I got all my furniture in place, and I duct-taped her down so she won't be moving. And I mounted an outboard motor here, got 'er hooked on to the footboard of my reclining chair there. And I've gone with a three-and-a-half, or maybe this is even a five, but don't go more than that because you don't wanna be straddling too much horsepower at my age. Oh, and another thing. Make sure you make a visit to the restroom before you leave shore. Unless it's foggy. All right! {rubs his hands together} Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, {starts the motor} they should at least find you handy.

{Red drives the boat away from shore and out into the lake, waving back at the camera as he leaves.}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to you guys about your wives' clothes shopping. I don't mean her shopping for her. I mean her shopping for you. Y'know she says "You need something half decent"? Huh? You know what that means: Uncomfortable. Some embarrassing designer outfit that makes you look like a Las Vegas circus monkey. See, that's just her way of saying "You look bad". Oddly, though, you think she looks fine. But how would you know if she looks fine or not? It's not like she encourages you to comparison-shop other women in the looks department. But here's my advice: Go ahead. Get yourself some new clothes. Oh, I know, you'd rather hack off your own leg with dull tin-snips. But here's what you do: Act enthusiastic. Oh yeah. Suggest you go to the highest-end clothing store in town. Huh? And tell her you need some help picking out some fancy new cologne. Something with a sexy name, like "Obsessive", or "Outrage", or "Stud Muffin". See, the fun for her is making you over into something you're not. Improving you. And if she thinks you're enjoying it, that's not an improvement. That'll take the wind out of her sa– Just don't overdo it, or she'll think you're having an affair. {Cut to a wide shot} Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. {goes back to winding his fishing line}

New Member Night
{Red, Harold, Winston are standing in front of a group of Lodge members with a man wearing a checkered shirt and a baseball cap.}

RED GREEN: All right, this is New Member Night, and Winston Rothschild has a fella he's gonna present, see if he may become a new member of Possum Lodge. All right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Thanks, Red. I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce my old friend and fellow Possum Lake entrepreneur, Mitchell Thick. Now, Mitch and I met several years ago, professionally, of course. As you know, I operate Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Mitch here runs Thick's Manure Spreading Limited. Which of course is a division of Back Forty Enterprises. Sure, you've heard the radio ads, "If it's Thick, it's a load off your mind." And talk about trust. Mitch is the only guy here in town that I'll do business with on a handshake. Now I know, I know, I know you're looking at me and saying, "Oh, he's too fancy for us!" But don't let appearances fool you, because under this... snappy shirt, is a man every bit as good as you and me.

RED GREEN: All right, all those in favor of having this guy join the Lodge?

{Nobody raises their hand.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And he's got a bass boat that'll hold eight guys!

''{Everyone raises their hands enthusiastically. Winston and Red shake Mitchell's hand and congratulate him.}''

Explanations

 * UNICEF and The Salvation Army are both well-known charities that provide anonymous donation boxes in common places, such as grocery stores.
 * Viagra is a pharmaceutical targeted at older men, designed to treat erectile dysfunction. Its marketing includes strong implications of an improved sex life.

Fast Forward

 * Red would have to once again figure out how to run his show without Harold at the start of the 1999 Season, when Harold gets a job in the city.