Adopt-A-Highway/Transcript

The complete transcript for Adopt-A-Highway

Intro
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show'' is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now here's a man who's forgotten more about rational behavior than he ever knew, your hero! Your host! My uncle! {pointing to Lodge front door} Red Green!

''{Red enters the Lodge and waves to everyone. The audience applauds.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you very much, appreciate it. Big, big week up at the Lodge this week: we had our remote control lawn mower races. Talk about fun, especially for the winner, or as we call him, the guy who still has his toes.

''{Red raises his right foot. His shoe has been cut off at the toe area, exposing his socked toes. Red chuckles.}''

HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, I coulda told ya that wasn't gonna work. {to audience} I coulda told him that wasn't gonna work. {back to Red} Because you know what it is? 'Cause most remote control frequencies, they're all the same, right? So what happens is that makes your lawn mowers go all crazy and wacky like they get. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Was there much personal serious injuries?

RED GREEN: Well... yes and no, Harold. Buster Hadfield escaped with just a trim, but Junior Singleton was pretty well mowed and mulched. Yeah. Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Shouldn't you be down at the hospital extending them your best wishes?

RED GREEN: No, that would be an admission of guilt, Harold. Besides, uh, my presence has been requested at a meeting at a town council. I got some 'splainin' to do.

HAROLD GREEN: You want a ride down?

{Suddenly, they hear the sound of a siren outside.}

RED GREEN: Won't be necessary, Harold, there's my ride now. {turns and leaves}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Red watching Bill trying to uproot a stump using a rope tied to a nearby house, a chain attached to the Possum Van and a hook. Bill tugs on the hook, only to see the house move an inch.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here are a few scenes from this particular show, and, uh... I don't like to hype ya too much, but by golly...

{Cut to Edgar emptying out a bag full of sawdust and splintered wood onto a workbench for Red.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...if this doesn't wanna make you watch this show, then, well...

{Cut to Red taking a bathtub and some pipes out of the back of the Possum Van.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...you obviously have a life.

Plot Segment 2
{Red enters the Lodge, looking pleased.}

RED GREEN: Well, Possum Lodge didn't get off too bad there on the lawn mower fiasco. Town council didn't fine us or anything, they just forced us to adopt a highway. So now we are the proud custodians of the three-mile stretch up at the far end of the lake.

HAROLD GREEN: You adopted Orphan's Bend?

RED GREEN: Yes, we did, Harold, and we got some big, big, big plans for her: we're gonna jack up the speed limit, ban seniors and throw a toll booth in there.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, no, no! You're not supposed to do it like that, Uncle Red. No, no, no. Your job is to keep that piece of the highway clean and safe. Haw! Yeah, like one time, in our junior rangers troop. But one summer, right, we adopted a highway, too, and for the high, entire summer, that was our job. But on the very first day– very first day– very first day, I cleaned up all– more cups and tin cans than anybody else! So for the remainder of the month, I got to clean up the entire highway while everybody else went to the swimming pool!

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, that's not fair.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, I still came. My mum wouldn't let me go to the swimming pool. And you know, everybody flicks their towels and stuff, you know. That could interfere with my ability to... You know.

RED GREEN: Walk?

HAROLD GREEN: {annoyed} No, not walk! {leans in close to his uncle's ear and whispers something in it}

RED GREEN: {shocked} Reproduce?!

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! You know, that can happen; I pray a lot.

RED GREEN: You know, Harold, I'm thinking you can use a little exercise, eh? Why don't you come on up to the highway and help us clean up just for a little while, eh?

HAROLD GREEN: {removing his switcher} Oh, yeah! I can– I can do that! I got some spare time.

RED GREEN: Alright, and when you get up there, Harold, just clean it up as fast as you can, all right? Don't talk to the other guys, all right?

{They both turn and head out the front door.}

HAROLD GREEN: How come?

RED GREEN: 'Cause they'll kill you, Harold.

Red's Campfire Song
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Oh, the devil challenged Evel Knieval
 * To a contest of impossible jumps.
 * The winner would get a hell of a prize
 * And the loser would take his lumps.
 * Oh, they jumped a canyon, a mountain, and a lake,
 * And a field of hungry boll weevils.
 * And the devil discovered, to his surprise,
 * He was the lesser of two Evels.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game, {pull back to reveal Red and Dalton sitting at card table} and if you love British cars, then you're gonna love tonight's grand prize: {holds up business card} a business card from Flinty's Towing! All right, Uncle Red, you have 30 seconds to get Mr. Dalton Humphrey to say this word...

{Dalton covers his ears while Harold holds up a sign displaying the word "Paranoid".}

HAROLD GREEN: Paranoid. Paranoid.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: {setting sign on table and stepping back} Go! {Dalton uncovers his ears}

RED GREEN: All right, Dalton, persecution complex.

DALTON HUMPHREY: A courthouse.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, that's a prosecution complex. Okay, if you're suspicious of everyone for absolutely no apparent reason, then you would say that's being...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...normal.

RED GREEN: Alright, alright, let's say you're negative, with no contact with reality whatsoever. That would be...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...my daughter.

RED GREEN: Let's go another way on this, Dalton, okay? You got two slippers; that makes a...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...pair.

RED GREEN: Okay, someone bugs you, you get...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...annoyed.

RED GREEN: Put 'em together, put 'em together.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You say someone's stealing my slippers to annoy me? {Red puts his head in his hand in frustration} You know, it's probably my neighbor! You know, because he's trying to get me. He thinks I sneak into his house at night and rearrange his furniture.

RED GREEN: {brightening up} All right, and he thinks that way because he's...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...caught me doing it.

{Red gets annoyed again and waves at Dalton dismissively.}

Handyman Corner
''{The Possum Van drives up at the Handyman Corner sign and stops, knocking it over in the process. Red gets out of the van.}''

RED GREEN: You know how every once in a blue moon, the world gives you credit, huh? {chuckles} Happens to me once every year. You know, on that special garbage day when people can put out anything they want of any size, and the garbage collectors have to take it. {walks around behind van} Well, that's the day everybody wishes they had a van like mine. Take a look at this. Huh? {opens back doors, revealing various pipes, tubs and spigots} Wait till you see here, huh? Bathtubs, showers, nozzles, drains, U-joints. Now, I suppose you could use this stuff to put a guest bathroom in your house. What'll that get ya? Guess! {reaches inside and pulls on a bathtub} I look at this stuff, I see cooking over charcoal! That's right, a "bathecue"!

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red continues to take out various bath pieces from the van. Wipe to still later. Red has assembled the bath pieces so that it looks like a barbecue.}''

RED GREEN: All right, there's our bathecue, huh? One tub for the base, one for the barbecue, and one for the lid. Now all we gotta do is, add a hinge on there so the lid will open up this way. {makes motions of opening a barbecue lid} Okay, we can bolt hinges on there, but that would involve probably nine hours of work, plus stealing a drill. {takes a roll of duct tape and removes some tape} Instead, I recommend the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Wipe to still later. Red has several rolls of duct tape on the lid of the bathecue. He places duct tape on the lid.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. Give her a try here. {opens the lid, dumping all the rolls of duct tape off} I'll tell ya, you raise that up and down a few times, cooking a steak, you're gonna work up an appetite. {feels around} Need something to hold her open. There we go. {picks up a shower curtain rod and uses it to prop the lid open} Shower curtain rod ought to do her. There we go. All right now, what is the most important step when you're building a bathecue? Before you fire her up, {leans into bathecue and pulls out a bath mat} you really want to get the bath mat out of there. Otherwise, you can get yourself a bad case of athlete's food. Okay, now the big question: do we go with gas, or do we go with charcoal? Charcoal's real good, y'know, 'cause when you got her all done, you can just sweep the ashes right down the drain. But today, we're gonna go top drawer; we gonna build a bathecue that's gonna be a gas grill.

''{Wipe to a later scene. A hose attached to the bathecue is attached to several propane tanks. Red holds a roll of duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: Isn't that something, huh? {leans into bathecue, which has several shower nozzles attached by pipes sticking up} Here, you got the copper pipes there carrying the gas. We got shower nozzles as burners. All right, now, they're all hooked up to our propane unit here. Buy in bulk, you're gonna save big. Well, I guess it's time to fire her up, or in this case, hit the showers. {turns on one propane tank to get gas going; gas hisses} And I could use an extra coating of duct tape... {places a small piece of duct tape on hose to silence hissing} There we go, there we go! That's fine. I'll tell you another feature of this unit: it's got the electric sparker on it.

''{Red gets up and stands in front of the bathecue. He scrapes his feet against the ground several times, then sticks his finger into the bathecue, which fires up. He quickly brings his finger back. Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped a rack to the bathecue to hold cheese on it.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now I've added a few features to her there. I got the cheese slices all ready to go. You want to limit your guests maybe two slices a piece on that. {points to a shower rack full of three shampoo bottles} And then we got the shower rack with our shampoo bottles, but I've emptied them out. {points to one bottle full of red liquid} Got the ketchup in this one, {points to second bottle full of yellow liquid} put the mustard in this unit, {points to third bottle colored purple} and I got the special bathecue sauce in here. And here's a little extra feature I've added here: {goes over to an attached water tap} a little cold water tap there, hooked it into a cold water shower to kinda deal with the flare-ups, y'know, kinda keep the flames down in there, because I'll tell ya somethin', nothing takes the fire out of your loin chops like a cold shower. All right, you're asking what's cooking? Well, come take a look.

''{Red opens the bathecue lid, revealing different foods being cooked in it: hamburgers on the left, chicken on the right, and several hot dogs hanging on a rod above by shower curtain rings. Red props the lid open with the curtain rod.}''

RED GREEN: Look at that! Is that beautiful or what? You got the hot dogs on there. Over here, of course, we got our chicken. {takes a spatula, removes a burger and puts it on a bun} By golly, I think you know everybody loves a burger, don't they? Either plain or... Hey, let's got first class here and throw a hunk of cheese on there. {puts a slice of cheese on the burger} By golly! {chuckles; takes the shampoo bottle of ketchup and puts it on the burger} We got our condiments in this area here, and I'll tell ya something... {puts the other bun on the burger} you gotta remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {holds up burger} Look at that, there's an American standard.

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Want to take a minute and talk to some of you older fellas out there. Maybe another driver called you a moron. Maybe had a run-in with a bad sales clerk. Maybe an annoying coworker or even a rotten relative. You start asking yourself the question, "Am I totally surrounded by stupid people?" The answer, of course, is, yes. Oh, yeah. You know, you're one of the last smart people in the whole world. Now, kids today don't know near as much as you did when you were their age. Every generation of relatives is denser than the last. Heck, they're not even making dogs as smart as they used to. Oh, yeah. You, sir, are the last outpost of intelligence. So you let them call you an idiot and you let them laugh at you, eh? Who's the guy that got 17 years outta that car, huh? Who's the guy with the greenest lawn on the street? And aren't you the one who got all your Christmas shopping done in July? At a yard sale? So who's the idiot now, eh? Who's the moron now? And if you're as smart as you think you are, you won't answer those questions. Remember, us morons are pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{Harold enters the Lodge, holding a big plastic trash bag.}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} All hail the highwayman, Red Green!

{Red enters, holding a burlap sack, a car hubcap, and an apple.}

RED GREEN: {waving dismissively} Knock it off. No, no, no, no, no, no. He's just goofing around. {to Harold} You can laugh all you want, Harold. {back to audience} I'm telling ya, this... this adopted highway thing, what a gold mine! {shows off sack} I got three bucks in bottles here! I got five hubcaps! {holds up apple} Some kids on the school bus tried to wing an apple at Harold and I caught it! Still got the soft hands.

HAROLD GREEN: I still got the hard head.

RED GREEN: {laughs} What an adventure!

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, that in– You know, that operation out there's supposed to be a clean-up operation, not a scavenger hunt.

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, it can be a bit of both. At least it can now. You know, when we first got up there, the darn place was so clean, there was nothing for us to do.

HAROLD GREEN: Huh! Yeah! So what did they do? What did they do? They take all their garbage out of the vehicles and dump it all over the side of the road!

RED GREEN: Yeah. {chuckles} But what a location! Holy mackerel! There's a lot of advantage when you own your own highway, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: Wah, you do not own the highway.

RED GREEN: Well, I drive like I do. {chuckles} But look at the opportunity here, Harold, eh? Holy smoke! People slow down for Orphan's Bend anyhow. Why not have them stop and shop, eh? We can have a souvenir shop, a hot dog stand, tire retreading there, have the black velvet paintings. This is not just a road, this is a four-lane mall!

HAROLD GREEN: You're supposed to be cleaning up the side of the road, not developing it.

RED GREEN: You gotta think big, Harold! {turns to leave}

HAROLD GREEN: {softly} Well, you guys aren't equipped to think big!

''{Red stops and stares at Harold suspiciously. Harold simply tries to look innocent.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {looking around} What? Who said that? {Red continues to leave} Who would– Who would say that?

Plot Segment 4
''{Harold tunes his switcher as Red enters the Lodge. He looks frustrated.}''

RED GREEN: You know, you try and help your community. Maybe stimulate the local economy, show a little imagination. Where does it get you?

HAROLD GREEN: Trouble at Orphan's Bend?

RED GREEN: {sighs} You know, we got such a great thing going up there, and then somebody goes and complains!

HAROLD GREEN: Really? Well, I heard you guys have so much stuff at the side of the highway, it's down to one lane, huh?

RED GREEN: Harold, we got a tourist attraction going here, eh? {to audience} You know, one time, the mayor said to me, "How come every tourist that stops in Possum Lake has car trouble?" That's because if they didn't have car trouble, they wouldn't stop here. So we finally have a bona-fide reason to stop, everybody's givin' us grief!

HAROLD GREEN: Well, y'know, maybe it's the right idea, just the wrong location. The side of the highway might not be the best place for a theme park.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, it makes so much sense here! {to audience} We got refreshments, we got washrooms, we got this drive-thru midway, we got a big cardboard cutout elephant with a garbage pail hanging from his tail. Cars drive up, you pay a buck, you throw your garbage, you hit Jumbo in the can, and you win a Dust Buster! {back to Harold} I'm telling ya, Harold, like, Orphan's Bend is dangerous; now they slow down. We've actually made it safe!

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, alright, you know what? These are the kinds of things you should be saying to the town council!

RED GREEN: Well, as a matter of fact, I'm gonna go down there in a few minutes, but I'm not gonna let them shut us down, Harold. I want you to meet me in the Possum Van up at Orphan's Bend in a couple of hours. We'll make a roadblock if we have to.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha-ha! Okay! Okay. Would you like me to drop you off downtown on my way?

{Suddenly, they hear the sound of a siren outside.}

RED GREEN: Not necessary, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

''{Red turns and leaves the Lodge. Harold goes back to tuning his switcher.}''

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying
''{Red walks into the workshop, holding a roll of duct tape. He walks over to a worktable where Edgar Montrose stands.}''

RED GREEN: This here's the repair shop part of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying". Edgar Montrose here has brought in somethin' for us to fix. What do you got for us, Edgar?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, no thanks, Red. {picks up chair and puts it on table} My mom wanted her dining room set refinished. Well, I started it, but I was kinda hoping you'd help me finish.

RED GREEN: {taking chair} Well, I'll see what I can do. {examines and feels chair} Well, you got it burned on the side there. What were you doing, using the heat gun on the varnish there, Edgar?

EDGAR MONTROSE: No, that was from the explosion.

RED GREEN: You wanna tell us about that, Edgar?

EDGAR MONTROSE: {pauses} No, Red. Not my proudest moment.

{Red takes some duct tape and puts it on the back of the chair.}

RED GREEN: All right. We'll skip it. But here, you can use duct tape. You stick it on the varnish, and you peel it off slow, and she'll just lift right off there.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, no, no, I don't wanna refinish that chair, I just brought it in as a reference. I wanna repair the other three chairs, so they'd match this one, so they're a complete set again.

RED GREEN: Oh, the rest of the dining room set that was maybe hurt by that explosion you don't wanna talk about? {Edgar nods} Yeah, all right. You go get the other chairs. {takes chair off table}

EDGAR MONTROSE: {leaving} Okay.

RED GREEN: All right, but here again, even with repair work, you can use the duct tape on that, 'cause the spindles, sometimes they get loose. You can put that in there.

{As Red talks, Edgar returns and puts a big bag on the table.}

RED GREEN: Or you can do the caning work. Or even if you got tears in the material. Or even if the chair's loose, you can...

''{Red suddenly stops as he sees Edgar dump out the contents of the bag: a huge pile of sawdust and various splintered pieces of wood. The audience laughs. Edgar wipes his hands together.}''

RED GREEN: {pauses} So... are these the other three chairs?

EDGAR MONTROSE: {holds up splintered piece of wood} And the dining room table. {Red takes the splintered wood} Just let me say, in my defense, that chemical paint stripper and nitroglycerin are both clear liquids.

''{Red nods and leaves, waving dismissively. Edgar follows.}''

Plot Segment 5
{Red and Harold enter the Lodge, the former holding a bent steering wheel, the latter with the cardboard elephant over his head and around his neck.}

RED GREEN: Ah, okay, you know what? You're never too old to learn things.

HAROLD GREEN: {incredulously} Are you ever too old to listen? You never listen, so I guess the answer is yes to that one!

RED GREEN: I listen, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, really? Oh, really? Oh, really? Well, did you hear my advice? Haw! Did you– Did you hear the warning of the policemen? Did you hear the horn of the oncoming truck?!

RED GREEN: Oh, okay. Okay, now, this is– this is a good point, all right? For those of you who never paid attention in physics class... a moving object can have a great deal of momentum. You know, for example, a logging truck doing a hundred clicks.

HAROLD GREEN: Yes, yes, that would indeed have more momentum than, say, oh, a parked Possum Van!

RED GREEN: {nods} You know, in fairness, it was only parked until the impact. Now, is that when the logs broke loose, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, it's hard to say. All I know is I haven't had that much bark between my legs since Moose Thompson's Rottweiler went into heat.

RED GREEN: {nods sadly} Well, the concession booths are all wrecked, but the truck was fine because the hot dog buns took most of the hit.

HAROLD GREEN: Boy, is that highway ever a mess, though! Worse than before you guys had even adopted it! You got a lot of clean-up there, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: No, no, I took care of it, Harold. I spoke to the Junior Rangers and I gave them your home number. {chuckles}

{The "Sound of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: {cringes} Meeting time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. I'll be down in a minute. Rest up. ''{Harold, with the elephant around him, goes down into the basement. Red ducks and leans away from the elephant}'' Watch yourself now. {to camera} So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I'm kinda fed up now with Orphan's Bend, liked to try my hand at Wife's Curve. {to the audience} To the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at the Lodge, keep your stick on the ice. {waves and walks down into basement}

''{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting about to start. Harold has already taken his place at the front of the meeting. Red walks down the stairs into the meeting.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Here he comes! Take your seats! Take your seats.

{The men at the meeting all sit down as Red takes his place at the front alongside Harold.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. Okay, all rise.

{The men all stand and put their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits}

HAROLD GREEN: {remaining standing, reading from a clipboard} Okay, first announcement tonight: well, T.G.I.F. Uh, the C.J.T.O.P.Y.S. is meeting A.S.A.P. at the C.A.W. hall, room B. Guest speaker is P.G. Young, B.A., M.A., Ph.D. from I.B.M. in the USA. His topic: the ABCs of MS-DOS. Some S.R.O. tickets are still available, C.O.D. A "Q" and "A" with P.G. is T.B.A. Okay?