Talent Show/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold: The excitement

is about to begin,

so get ready to be excited

because --

well, it's gonna happen.

That much I know for sure, so...

Because, believe me you,

I know excitement.

Here he is,

the world's greatest uncle!

Well, okay, well,

as far as I know, anyway.

I mean, as an employer,

he's always compared, but...

Anyway, here's the star

of "the red green show" --

mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

Uh, hello, thank you,

and welcome to the show,

and a very special hello

to all the security guards

out there

who've chosen to watch us

rather than the lobby monitor.

And, hey, should have been up

at the lodge here last night.

We had a little talent show --

you know, just a bunch of us.

Uh, stinky peterson

went first, actually.

What he did was he swallowed air

for about 12 or 13 minutes,

and then he turned around

and belched "macarthur park."

it seems fabulous now,

but we were kind of afraid

to ask for an encore.

Actually, harold and I here

even did a little --

oh, I'm sorry.

I haven't

introduced harold.

Harold,

come on in here a sec.

Harold is producer, director,

and announcer of the show,

plus, we're helping him

get through puberty

in case he loses the map

or anything, you know.

And don't forget this.

[ keys clacking ]

[ laughs ]

I do

all the special effects.

Yeah, harold, I was just telling

them about the talent show.

Yes, I was just reliving

those moments myself.

You know, and it gave me

the motivation and opportunity

to cue up

the next segment.

So, uncle red, why don't we just

skip right on over to that?

And then we can come back to you

dredging up the past later.

You know, I mean,

if there's time.

Well, harold, I wanted to

kind of continue

with what I was saying.

Oh, boy.

Uncle red,

I wish you'd told me that.

Oh, I --

oh, jeepers, I'm sorry.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ there's a funny

little ditty ♪

[ whistles ]

♪ it's called

"the humming song" ♪

[ whistles ]

♪ "the humming song"

is pretty ♪

[ whistles ]

but I don't know it.

This week on, uh,

"handyman corner,"

I'm gonna be talking about vcrs,

which stands for, uh...

Ah, that doesn't matter.

Before I purchased this unit,

uh, I read

all the magazines about it,

and I spoke

to the production personnel

here at "the red green show,"

and, uh, they advised me

to get one of these beta units.

And, uh, even the salesman

at the store said,

"boy, they don't make them

like this anymore."

so, I don't know about you,

but whenever I get a new car

or a lawn mower

or what have you,

I like to just take it apart,

check it out myself,

kind of tune it up for

my own particular requirements,

and I'm gonna do the same

with my beta unit here,

especially since my "rambo" tape

is jammed in there.

I can't seem to get it out.

So I've just got one more screw

to pop off here.

[ drill whirring ]

okay. Ah.

It's set for screwing in,

which doesn't help.

Anyway, this should

pop off of here now.

All right, okay.

Uh, let's see what we got here.

[ sniffs ]

yeah, oh, yeah.

Well, I think, uh...

I think that there is a wire.

And this seems to be some type

of a plastic.

And I guess to get

the actual cassette out,

I'm gonna need to, uh...

[ muttering ]

all right, um...

There seems to be some sort

of a malfunction here,

and I think the only way

to get the cassette out

is to cut it out, and, uh...

I think I have the perfect tool

for that.

[ chain saw buzzing ]

so, uh...

Now what we have

is a movie with an intermission.

But since I got the machine

apart anyway, uh...

Might as well take a --

just that one last look at it

and make sure that...

Everything's all -- yeah, yeah.

Everything...

Everything looks okay.

I don't know what that does,

so...

Might as well take

those out of there.

Keep it simple -- my motto.

And I'll just give her

just a little clean-out here.

[ clattering ]

all right.

That should do it.

It was no big deal, really.

No matter what they make,

a microwave oven or a hair

dryer, anything like that --

if men make it, men can fix it.

So until next time, remember --

if women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Oh, wait,

there's an eject button.

I didn't see that.

We'll be right back

after these messages,

and I'll finish my story.

Count on it.

Unless I get

another attack on ennui.

I don't think you will,

not on payday.

Good point.

You know, uh, harold,

I was reading there,

they got, uh,

these atomic bombs now.

Well, they've had them

for a while.

I was gonna

mention that, yeah.

They won't sell me one.

Well, you got no place

to keep it.

You got to have

an atomic warehouse.

I wouldn't have it

long.

It's not like I could store it

over a winter or anything.

But I'm just trying to

figure out, you know,

exactly

how the bomb works.

Now, an atom,

apparently it's quite small,

and when you break it up,

it goes up big.

Is that it?

Exactly.

It explodes because it gets

away from itself really quick.

It's sort of like

a family reunion.

A family reunion.

Exactly.

Everyone just goes,

"thank you. Bye-bye."

and they leave really quick,

and there's a big

internal combustion.

Okay, but, now,

there's a neutron

and a proton

and an electron.

The electron, I believe,

is ionizing

around the nucleus,

and uh...

Is that it?

Exactly.

That's what I thought.

And then I think

the electron comes in to the --

comes in to the neutron on,

say, like, a Friday night.

Yeah.

And there's a collision there,

and the proton...

Says he didn't see

a thing.

No. Exactly.

He's not gonna say

he saw it.

And now the neutron

is excited.

Yeah.

And, of course,

what happens next is censored.

[ both laugh ]

"it is winter.

"a car drives past,

rushing to somewhere.

"the people inside do not feel

the glow of the winter sun.

"they do not feel the snow

on their tongue

"or the gentle breeze

on their cheeks

"or the huge wave of slush

that covers me from head to foot

"as their car drives past,

on its way to an accident,

if there's any justice."

now, as I was saying,

we're, uh, having a real hoot

with the talent-show thing.

You know, uh, moose thompson did

his version of "dirty dancing"

with a couple of truck tires

and a grease gun,

and then old man sedgwick

played his musical saw,

but he got a little carried away

during the

"flight of the bumblebee"

and ended up cutting the crotch

out of his hip waders.

He wasn't hurt, though.

Close, but no cigar.

Is that it, uncle red?

Is that the end

of the talent-show story?

'cause if it is, we can

just go on to the next segment.

I mean, you know,

if that's it.

No, that's not it, harold. I'll

tell you when it's finished.

Uh-oh.

Jeepers,

I wish you'd told me that

before I pushed this button.

Which button?

Just a sec.

That one.

You did that

on purpose, harold.

Sorry.

I had an attack of ennui.

Gord: Hi, red. [ laughs ]

I thought it was you.

Yeah.

I recognized the sound of

your truck coming up the lane.

Oh, yeah.

I'm just making some tea.

You want some?

Orange pekoe, rabbit's foot,

tree bark, or moose patty?

Well, I think I'll stick

with the orange pekoe.

Okay, great.

I'll give you a hand there.

I'll hold this for you.

This is great.

I'm making tea.

Making tea

for me and red green.

Yeah.

I haven't made tea

in 38 days.

For gosh sake.

Well, you know,

just wanted to have you

tell us

about fire safety,

'cause you're kind of

the expert in that area.

Well, I should be.

I've been up here for 13 years.

Oh, yeah.

13 long, lonely years.

[ sobbing ]

no, no, no, no.

Here.

[ voice breaking ] you know

[sniffles] it wouldn't be so bad

if there was a fire

now and then, you know?

Anything -- a small fire,

a controlled burn,

an unofficial

fireplace log.

I don't care!

Anything!

Oh, you can't mean that,

gord.

[ normal voice ]

no, I guess not.

Oh.

You kidder, huh?

Yeah. [ laughs ]

not when it's been as dry

as it has been, you know.

It hasn't been this dry in the

whole time I've been up here.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's very, very dry.

Do you get a lot

of lightning up here?

Uh, I was wondering about that.

You know, lightning.

Well, uh, yeah,

but it only hits my tower.

Yeah, I've got the only metal

for 50 square miles around,

so any lightning that comes down

will go through me.

Right here.

Yeah.

I can't tell you

the number of times

I've had my eyebrows

blown off.

I can't remember anything

before the age of 14.

It's the lightning

that did it, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, could you give our viewers

just kind of a safety thing?

Like, let's say

incident lightning storm.

Is there any kind

of safety thing?

Where should they go

in a lightning storm,

say, for example?

Well, anywhere

but this tower.

Oh, yeah.

And another good

safety tip is,

when you're lighting

a campfire,

make sure you unplug

the electric charcoal starter.

Yeah, yeah.

That's very good.

Okay. Well, uh,

we got to get going, gord,

so, uh, we'll see you

next time around, eh.

You're not going already,

are you?

Come on!

I really have to.

You can't go if you haven't had

your orange pekoe.

I haven't had

my moose patty.

No. Well, maybe

some other time, eh?

Oh, you can't go yet!

Come on!

Well, "where's the fire?"

as we say.

[ laughs ]

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ what do you see

when you look at a tree? ♪

♪ are you scared of the bark

or the way it's all dark? ♪

♪ what do you see

when you look at a tree? ♪

♪ if you see me

standing up to a tree ♪

♪ don't make a sound

till I'm done ♪

uncle red, this is

my favorite part of the show,

where you answer

the viewers' mail,

'cause I get to brush up

on my reading skills,

and it's an inexpensive

production filler.

[ laughs ]

letter number one.

"dear red, we're going moose

hunting soon, and I wondered,

"'how do you treat

a gunshot wound

in an emergency

situation?'"

well,

that's interesting.

I would have thought

any gunshot wound

is an emergency

situation.

Unless maybe you're, uh,

shot by a doctor in a hospital.

Why -- why would a doctor

shoot a patient?

I don't know.

Maybe some kind

of a make-work project.

Let's assume that the gunshot

wound happened in an open field,

if I might interpolate to that

of which the viewer has alluded.

All right,

uh, well, uh, first off,

you have to determine

where the gunshot wound is.

Uh, if it's in the duck

or the deer or the moose,

well,

you don't treat it all,

'cause that's where

it's supposed to be.

But if it's in

one of your hunting companions,

then first thing you have to do

is stanch the flow.

Oh, stanch the flow?

That sounds neat. What's that?

Uh, stop the bleeding.

And then you have to determine,

uh, how bad the wound is.

So, you might say, like,

"how do you feel?" or something?

Yeah, yeah. That's right.

And if he screams, "I'm dying,"

this is not good.

If me mumbles, "I'm dying,"

that's actually worse.

So, next thing

you try to do

is move the patient

if he can be moved.

But if you move him and the leg

doesn't move with the body,

um, then you really

have to rethink

the transportation method.

Right, right.

So, the person and the leg

should move together.

That would be good. I mean,

that would be better, right?

That's much better.

And then what you do is you get

the guy to a hospital,

and then you go right back

to hunting,

because otherwise

you'll lose your nerve.

Oh, lose your nerve for hunting

altogether, you mean?

Give it up.

Yeah.

Yeah. I've seen it

happen to guys.

Oh, that would be tragic.

Well, it's the downside

of getting shot.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Uh, this week

on "adventures with bill,"

uh, he's gonna show you

how to erect, uh...

That's a tent, I guess it is.

You never know when bill reaches

into his pants what he'll find.

[ metal pegs clatter ]

now, this to me is not --

is not a technique that I think

he thought through totally,

'cause those pegs

and everything went --

they went all over the place,

and we were there

for a good two, three days

just finding

the little attachments

that go on the end

of the whirligigs there.

Anyway, I'm holding the peg,

and he's gonna hammer it in,

and I think...

That hammer looks...

Yeah.

Uh, I think bill underestimated

the softness of the ground

at this time of year,

and he drilled that baby down

a foot and a half, two feet.

[ grunting ]

but, uh, you know,

bill solves his own problems...

Oh, yep.

...And solves them

in his own way.

But, now, what's the deal?

Oh, yeah.

He wanted me to put this tent

up, but it wouldn't reach.

I was just gonna

stretch it up there,

but bill had another plan,

and he's resourceful.

You got to give him that.

[ grunting ]

bill's a lot stronger

than he smells.

Uh, I don't know

what exactly that accomplished,

but it seemed

to make bill happy.

And then the two of us

kind of got into --

and this is not always good,

to be working

at opposite ends of a tent.

[ grunts ]

you need kind of

a communication thing happening.

He's fine. He's fine.

Uh, bill, here --

I got a little suspicious.

This didn't look like

a normal kind of a tent looked,

and I was trying to

do my best to help.

You know, I'm there

as a supporter, really --

and literally, actually,

in this case.

And then --

well, that can happen.

That can happen.

And he's wrestling around

in there,

and, of course, what do you

suppose he comes out with?

[ clears throat ]

the instructions.

And I'm under the --

I'm under the --

I'm under the tent there, bill.

Oh, great, great.

That'll work well.

Bill can get scary on you.

You know, you got to --

oh, he's a happy guy, isn't he?

So, now, since the pole

got a little bent,

he decides he's gonna tie her

to a tree

and kind of prop her up

that way and --

[ crack ]

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Well, I do appreciate that,

bill.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you for including me

in your life.

This is an old indian technique

that bill finally resorted to

for putting up tents.

It's a little tricky,

and you got to smoke a really --

smoke a really weird pipe

before you can do this,

but, uh, you know, I've seen

bill do this a few times,

and I've never been totally

able to figure out, uh,

how the heck he does it,

'cause you have to walk funny

to make it work real well.

Uh, but, uh, this one now.

He said he was gonna do

a real whoop-dee-whooper here,

and look --

throws the lines out.

And if you watch him, he kind of

flops her in the air a bit.

Yeah. Just the belly --

it's kind of a belly flop.

It looks like a big bowl

of jello tent there.

But by golly, she works,

doesn't she?

And, yeah, he's proud of it.

Nice work, bill.

So, he's all set there,

and, uh, got her all set up.

Of course, well, it's time for

me to head back to the lodge,

so I had to say goodbye

to bill there

and "see you next time."

oh, oh, oh, oh.

Sorry, bill.

"it is winter.

"a little rum in your coffee,

"a little whiskey in your tea,

"a little alcohol in the car

windshield-washer fluid --

that should keep everyone

wiped."

you know, we've, uh,

had some, uh, comments

that the show doesn't have

much of an edge to it.

Well, here's somebody edgy.

[ laughs ]

okay. Yeah. Hoo.

I wonder -- I wonder what the

plural to "grilled cheese" is.

Anyway, um, household chores.

Household chores.

The other day, my mom asked me

to clean up my room.

[ laughs ]

yeah. So, anyway, she says,

"harold, go clean up

your room," right?

And I said, "mom, how can you

expect me to clean up my room

"when it was your generation

that destroyed the environment,

"created millions of h-bombs

and m-bombs and a-bombs, huh?

"how about that?

"and drugs

and open manhole covers

"and hatred and greed

and intolerance --

"something which

I personally cannot stand.

"huh, mom?

How can you do that?

You're not seeing any

inconsistencies in this at all?"

[ laughs ]

you know what?

I learned something that day.

Actions speak louder than words.

'cause she just, like,

clouted me, right?

So I raced up to my room, and I

swept everything under the bed.

[ laughs ]

which is okay, 'cause

that's where I keep stuff.

Grilled chews.

Oh, that's neat --

grilled chews. That'd be plural.

Okay. Sorry I was wrong

about that talent-show story.

I know how all excited we are

to hear the end of it,

so come on back

right after these messages.

Can I have

my paycheck now?

Thanks.

It's not signed.

Sorry.

I was having

an attack of ennui.

You know, so many times,

once you get to be an adult,

you forget what it was like

to be, uh...

To be a kid.

And you really should, I think,

take a little bit of time,

spend some time with a child.

Good for you, good for the kid,

whether it's a neighbor's kid

or maybe a nephew

that's not like harold

or, uh, maybe, you know,

just through a stroke

of bad luck,

you have a kid of your own.

Anyway, today I'm gonna spend

a little bit of time

with one of my good, uh,

childish friends here, uh...

Max.

Max.

Uh, max and I are gonna do

a little one-on-one

on the old basketball,

the old hoops,

the old hitting the slats,

up on the boards,

on the...

Pretty bad-looking asphalt.

So, max, uh...

What we're gonna start with

here is, uh --

see, 'cause I like

to just teach them, too.

I don't want to

just fool around.

This has got

some educational, uh --

maxie, you try

to defend me there,

and now what I'm gonna do

is I'm gonna show you

some of my moves.

Okay, and I'm gonna come in

and go for the basket.

Are you ready?

You ready? Okay.

Okay, okay. Ready?

Time out. Time out.

Yeah.

I'm still out.

Time's still out.

Someone

didn't center this hoop.

Probably harold.

There we go.

All right. All right.

Time's back in.

Okay. Now you try it.

See if you can get by me.

Okay, come on.

Come on. Let's go.

Give it a good shot.

Hey, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Having a good time?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, come on.

Come on in.

Come on. Come on.

Now, see, if there was a ref,

see, that would be illegal.

Get the ball,

will you, max?

You know, the thing is, I can't

tell you how much fun they have.

I just wanted to get max

out of here for a sec

because, you know,

they enjoy it so much,

and they go home,

and they tell all their friends

that they spent some time

with a --

you know, with a television,

uh, personality,

I guess you'd call it.

You want to get that, max?

And to me, it just kind of

makes their day.

Throw it in here.

Throw it in here.

Throw it in here.

No, no. Max.

Uh, put it in my hands, okay?

And they get some exercise.

They're out in the sunshine.

Put it right in here.

Yeah, that's it.

No, no, no.

You're getting closer.

And the young leagues --

max, I'm kind of tired.

One more. Okay.

All right. All right.

Oh.

Go get that.

Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up.

I've got things to do.

But if any of you would like

to spend some time with a child,

go find one, you know?

God bless you.

Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go.

Time out.

[ man clears throat ]

was that sarcasm there?

Well, you know,

I don't like to brag,

no matter how many opportunities

I get to do just that,

but I do have to say that

the highlight of the talent show

had to be harold and I

doing our song,

and I thought it would be

an ideal way

to finish off tonight's show,

to just do a kind of

a repeat performance.

Harold, come on over here.

Do you have a pen?

Yeah. Get over here.

So, uh, thanks a lot

for watching,

and on behalf of harold

and myself

and the whole gang

up at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

And if my wife

is watching,

uh, you might want to fire

the vcr on and catch this.

Put it on that cassette that

I'm building up for dick clark.

Okay. Now,

you got to picture this.

We were about halfway

through the talent show.

Stinky peterson just finished

juggling bowling balls

and he was on his way

to the hospital

and everybody's fighting

over potato chips

and, suddenly,

the music begins.

Both: ♪ mm ♪

♪ I'm coming home,

I've done my time ♪

♪ and I want to know

if my pet ape is fine ♪

♪ it's all in my letter ♪

♪ da da da da, ennui ♪

♪ simple, little words,

all I need to set me free ♪

♪ that I wrote

and told her please ♪

listen to this part.

Listen to this part.

♪ tie a yellow gibbon

around the old oak tree ♪

♪ it's been three long years ♪

♪ how's my pet monkey? ♪

♪ if I don't see

that yellow gibbon ♪

♪ 'round the old oak tree ♪

♪ I'll stay on the truck

and say... ♪

careful here, harold.

Oh, yeah.

♪ and put the blame on me ♪

♪ if I don't see

a yellow gibbon ♪

♪ 'round the old oak tree ♪