The Elvis Sighting/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

harold: A great person

from history once said,

"truly creative works are never

finished -- they are abandoned."

and since we didn't finish

the show,

it's time to abandon it,

abandon it before it turns wild.

And who better for the job

than a man of wild abandon

and the star of "the red green

show" and my uncle,

because he's my --

he's my father's brother.

That's what makes him my uncle.

Here he is -- mr. Red green!

Thank you very much.

Thank you, everybody.

Welcome to the show.

Thank you, harold.

Not the best introduction

I've ever heard in my life,

but, uh,

uncles can't be choosers.

Sorry, uncle red.

It's -- I'm sorry.

Well, no more than I am,

harold.

By the way, harold here

is not only my nephew.

He's also my producer

and my director.

Yeah,

and I also have control

of this video effective panel

here.

Look at this.

I can do things like that,

and it gives the show a look.

I like to think everything

should have a look.

Well, you get looks everywhere

you go, don't you, harold?

That's my job --

looks, angles, visuals.

Yeah, well, anyway, we got

a great show for you tonight.

We got a lot of film clips,

we got a lot of special guests,

and, uh, I have a great story

about moose thompson and elvis.

Well, why don't we

just get right on with,

like, the video clips

and, of course, the guests?

Well, what about the, uh,

moose thompson and elvis story?

Oh, you know, well,

let's save the best for last.

If there's time.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ there are certain things

you should never do ♪

♪ like don't eat things

that you find on your shoe ♪

♪ don't have a nap

in the middle of the road ♪

♪ and don't ever lick

a toad ♪

♪ don't lick a toad,

don't lick it ♪

♪ you'd be better off

to kick it ♪

or better still,

just leave it alone.

It wasn't bothering you.

No.

♪ don't lick a toad,

don't lick it ♪

♪ just say no to toads ♪

well, I guess you can tell

this is kind of a special day.

Uh, you know, once in a while,

I do like to spend some time,

with uh --

with the youngsters.

And this is something

I think more and more adults,

uh, can do, uh,

or even parents.

You know,

if you're a parent

and you do have a child

and it's not like harold,

uh, you might want to spend

some of your valuable time

with the child --

pays off in spades.

Or a kid down the street,

you know,

or if you get involved

with the big brothers.

Highly recommend that.

And, uh, I'm spending some time

today, uh, with, uh...

Max.

...Max.

And, uh, max has brought

an airplane here.

This is, uh --

this is max's own model plane.

Do you want to --

oh, no, no.

Actually,

you better not touch that.

Uh, what you can do, max --

we're gonna fly

this plane today.

And this is -- well, this is

kind of fun for me, too,

I got to tell you.

Uh, max, why don't you --

you untangle the string.

And, uh,

I'll -- I'll work on the plane.

Get all the junk.

He's got the whole kit here.

He really has.

He's got the whole thing

all set up.

[ clears throat ]

you know, uh, I never had

one of these when I was a kid.

I always wanted one.

Uh, but, of course,

my dad --

he wouldn't -- he wouldn't spend

that bit of time,

and, uh, so it didn't pay off

for him, you know?

And I think in a way --

and here I am spending time

with a young fella,

and look what's happening

for me.

I'm getting, uh -- finally,

I get the thing going with him,

which I always wanted as a kid,

never did get to, and this is...

[ clears throat ]

so you see how it works out.

Want to hurry up, max?

Uh, I haven't got all day.

And, uh, they enjoy it, too,

as much as -- as much as --

I'm gonna get my glove.

Uh...

Uh...

I didn't have my glove,

so I've got the handyman's

secret weapon here,

which we call an a.G. --

Alternate glove.

And what I'm gonna do is,

uh, wrap this around

what's going to be the cut.

And then I'll use this

to actually start the --

how are you --

how are you doing there?

No, no, no.

You're doing it all wrong.

You're doing it all wrong.

You're doing it all wrong.

You're doing it all wrong.

Come on over here.

Start here.

You untangle it there.

There, there, there, there,

there.

That's it.

They like the guidance.

It's not something

you just want to sit back

and do it

any old which way

because, uh,

this is how they will learn.

This week in "handyman corner,"

uh, we're gonna show you how

to get, uh, more and more uses

out of your, uh, electric drill.

You know, uh, a lot of people

ask me -- "red," they say,

"if I only can afford to buy one

power tool, what should I buy?"

well, now that they've made,

uh, flamethrowers illegal,

I would have to recommend

the power electric drill.

First of all, you can use it,

uh, for drilling.

[ motor whirring ]

you can also it, uh,

to cool down the workshop.

[ motor whirring ]

just, uh, you know,

hang that from the ceiling

with, uh, the handyman's

secret weapon -- duct tape.

Now, they try to sell you

one of those,

uh, fancy, automatic

power screwdriving deals,

and they cost anywhere up to

$7 million or $8 million.

Well, all you need to do

is to get the bit,

which is about $1.49,

and you just put it into

your normal drill.

And it just works

just absolutely fine.

[ motor whirring ]

well, you get the idea.

Now, you know,

they try to sell you

a bunch of attachments for your

drill, but, uh, the truth is,

the attachments really don't

make that much difference.

Uh, the real reason

that the drill works

is through you horsing down

on her

and really putting

some torsion on it.

You can cut a hole with anything

from a toothbrush to car keys

if you -- if you get enough

juice on her, you know?

So, for example, they'll sell

you a real expensive,

uh, saw blade that goes on

your drill.

Well, that's really

not necessary.

Uh, I'll show you right here

how you can cut

a perfectly good line

just using your ordinary drill

with, uh --

with a drill bit in it.

[ motor whirring ]

all right,

you got to be prepared

to give it a little more time

this way,

but you're saving upwards of $5.

Now, here's -- here's something

that you wouldn't ordinarily

think to use a drill for,

and this is what

I'm trying to say,

is that you're only limited

by your own imagination.

And you can deal with that

as you may.

But here's a situation

where you take two wires

that you would want

to strand together

and make some sort of

a braiding pattern.

Just twist them together,

make a neater look

for whatever it is you're --

maybe you're rewiring

your stove or whatever.

Uh, what you do is you put both

ends of the wire in there

and you take your two strands

and you turn on the drill

from a remote setting

and then just slowly walk

towards it while it winds it.

And it's a heck of a rig,

and it's not something

that you'd ordinarily think of

with a drill.

So, why don't we just give

this a -- give this a try?

Uh, all right, boys,

you want to hit the power there?

[ motor whirring ]

there we go.

Just look at that.

All right,

you want to kill that?

Kill that now.

[ clears throat ]

all right, so, uh, if you are

thinking of buying a power tool,

I'd recommend you go out

and get yourself a new drill.

Looks like I'm gonna have to.

Anyway, so, until next time,

remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

We'll be right back with,

uh, more fun in the forest,

more film clips,

and more about moose and elvis.

♪ treat me like a fool ♪

or what, eh?

[ clears throat ]

okay.

I'll start her up.

This is [clears throat]

this is exciting,

but it's very, very dangerous.

You know, maybe it's not

that dangerous.

I'll just wait for that pain

to go down a little bit.

Yeah.

"it is winter.

"the rabbits

grow a warm winter coat.

"the foxes, too,

grow a thick winter coat.

"as do the minks

and the raccoons.

"but we cannot

grow a thick coat.

So we just kill them

and take theirs."

okay, now, I was telling you

about, uh, moose thompson

and elvis.

And moose was down

at the supermarket,

and he told everybody

that he saw the ghost of elvis

in the chinese-food section.

But nobody believed him.

And then he remembered that it

wasn't the chinese-food section.

It was in the delicatessen,

and suddenly, the story had

an eerie ring of truth to it.

Uncle red,

how come you can't talk about,

like, guns n' roses

or new kids on the block,

you know, something that

our younger viewers might like,

not just old people,

you know?

Wa-a-a-a!

It's just a thought.

What about that?

What are you talking about,

harold?

Well, these stories

are really good.

It's just

that nobody likes them.

Maybe we should put

a music video in here,

you know, something --

something with some rap.

All right,

give me your knuckles.

No.

I mean like paula abdul,

you know?

She's really good.

Maybe people would like

to hear her

rather than about

moose thompson's hallucinations.

People under 80

would rather hear that, I think.

No, this wasn't a hallucination,

uh, harold.

I mean, elvis could not be

a hallucination, okay?

Oh, yeah?

You don't know.

Maybe something like this

happened.

Did you just cut me off,

harold?

No.

It was a hallucination.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ I hear the sizzle of bacon

on the engine block ♪

♪ I see a handful of hash browns

lyin' in my sock ♪

♪ I watch a stack of pancakes

go rollin' down the dock ♪

♪ breakfast is hell

when the stove blows up ♪

all right.

[ clears throat ]

what we have to do now

is, uh, adjust the motor.

Max, get me the fuel.

Get me the fuel.

It's in the --

get the fuel.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no.

It's -- all right.

Oh, uncle red, great,

excellent.

This is the part of the show

that you like best.

Oh, uh, all right.

Uh, so long

and thanks for watching.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Uncle red,

I meant like "male call,"

the part where we answer

viewer mail.

I got a letter right here.

It's hard to read, though.

It's, like, on colored paper

and crayon.

[ laughs ]

"dear possum,

I really like your show.

"I have all of them

on tape.

"I've watched every one of them

50 tires.

Times -- 50 times."

[ laughs ]

"I think you are very wisp.

Wise."

he thinks you're very wise,

uncle red.

"I'm your biggest far."

what's a far?

Well, that would be, uh -- that

would be a fan, biggest fan.

Looks like "far."

well, it would be "fan."

let me see it.

A lot of times, a small "n"

looks like a small "r."

yeah,

but that's a capital "r."

no, it's "your biggest far."

all right.

Yeah, well, okay,

I've got a far.

That's nice.

I got fans.

I guess far is kind of

a nice change.

Says,

"I want to start a far club."

I think he means

a fan club there, harold.

"I thought a far club

would be nice

since you probably already have

a fan club."

huh!

"to start the far club,

I will need your approval.

Is that okay with you?"

signed, "x."

well, uh, yeah, sure.

I mean, harold,

every star dreams

of having their own far club,

don't they?

How far does he want this

far club to go, do you think?

Probably pretty far.

It's a far club.

Well, the farther, the better,

if you ask me.

Okay, sure,

whoever you are,

go ahead,

start the red green far club.

It says here he wants to call it

the red groin far club.

That's even better.

Okay, the red groin far club.

Perfect.

If any of you viewers

at home

want to become a member of that

beautiful-sounding club, uh --

harold, why don't you just hold

up the return address?

You can get directly in touch

with this guy.

He didn't send one.

Just, like,

a chewed-up wad of gum

and a rock in a plastic bag,

uncle red.

This is quite a country

we got here, harold.

Got to have a license

to buy a gun,

but they'll sell anybody

a stamp.

What kind of gum is it?

Dubble bubble or something.

Well, I'll have that.

You have the rock.

Oh, okay.

Red: We, uh -- we do get winter

in this country,

and, uh, bill and I think that,

uh, well, one of the keys

to make the best of winter

is to get out and enjoy it.

And, actually, you take

activities and [clears throat]

and just do them, you

know, because when

you get going like --

here he is coming down

on a sled,

and, you know, he's having

so darn much fun

that, uh, he really doesn't

notice the cold

or the -- or the -- anything.

There's no -- oh, my god.

But, uh, that's -- that's all

part of the fun, isn't it?

Uh, he's -- he looks all right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we wanted to show you today

how you can have some fun,

uh, with the winter,

and, uh, it doesn't matter

if you don't have any money.

You don't have to join

an expensive ski club

or any --

any such thing as that.

Uh...It helps if you can't read.

But even if you have

just a cardboard box --

probably this is from a dryer

or a washer

or, uh, it might have just been

the doughnuts that we got.

And then into the box, you see.

[ laughs ]

well, that wasn't --

no, you don't want to go down --

you want to go down standing

upright in the -- in the thing,

and bill will show you.

This is a lot of fun,

'cause you really can't see

what you're gonna hit.

Uh, well, that didn't look like

that was bill's top end, was it?

Come on, bill. Come on, up you

go, up you go, up you go.

There he is.

[ laughs ]

well, we jam him down there,

flip him over, and away he go--

well, for darn sake.

[ laughs ]

and here's another inexpensive,

uh, sled you can use.

Uh, this is a garbage-can lid.

And, you know,

they're the plastic...

And that skids on --

and this is something I did.

[ chuckles ] just to, you know,

add another wrinkle.

I thought I'd put him right

into the can.

You know, it's really

where bill belongs

most of the time, anyhow,

you know?

And then this would make it

more exciting for him,

kind of like space mountain

at disney world, you know?

Oh, and he's having a good time.

And, uh, golly, that would make

you dizzy, wouldn't it?

I said, "bill, when you finish,

if you're okay,

just give us the wave,"

you know?

And there it is.

Yeah, yeah, he's fine.

"it is winter.

"when people wave to you

from the warmth of their cars

"or shout 'hello' as they

hurry by with their packages,

"but you can't answer

because your tongue is frozen

to your sleigh."

uh, this is a time

in the show

where we, uh,

just take a minute

out from the entertainment

and the pleasantries

and have a chance just to be

sort of bored out of our minds.

Harold?

[ laughs ]

okay, I'm gonna talk about

your first date.

Okay, many of you, unlike me,

have never been out

on a real date with a girl.

[ laughs ]

with a girl.

Okay, um, first things first,

okay?

Don't -- do not try

and kiss her in the hallway

with her parents there.

Don't.

Second, never make fun of people

who play lotteries

until you've ascertained

if, indeed, she plays lotteries.

And the worst -- whoever thought

this could have happened,

but it's horrible.

Maybe her family makes their

living selling lottery tickets.

And when you get out to the car

and her foot's not inside

the car, don't slam the door.

Don't do that.

Like, don't -- like, maybe you

think it's the seat belt

or something

and you keep slamming it.

It's not.

Don't. It's a leg.

It smarts, according to people

who have been there.

And next, when, um, you go out

to dinner and say --

say you don't have enough money

to cover the bill, okay?

Don't start crying.

Don't. Doesn't help.

Just be really cas

and cool about it, right?

Just say, "you know what?

I don't think I'm gonna have

gravy on my fries."

look at that, right?

You're out of the situation.

Slick, right?

Okay, then, you know what else

you don't do?

Don't go to a german art film.

And do not read the subtitles

to her

until she looks at you

real sweetlike and goes,

"would you shut up?!"

don't do that.

And then finally,

when you're going home

and you're kissing her good

night and she doesn't want to...

Don't ask her why.

Believe me, it hurts.

Thank you.

Don't go away.

We got the end of the moose

and elvis story coming up.

Inquiring minds don't care.

[ laughs ]

give me the fuel there, max.

The fuel.

No, no, no,

no, no, no.

But, you know, you spend

a little time with these kids,

and, uh, before you know it,

uh --

you got to push down on that

while you're turning it.

Can't you read?

Push down.

No, no, push down harder

while you're turning it.

Turn that and push down.

Push down and turn that.

Turn -- push -- push.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Don't knock it over.

You do it. You do it.

I can -- you do it. You do it.

Okay, be careful.

Careful.

Okay, okay, okay.

That's enough.

All right,

all right, all right.

Put the lid on it.

Put the lid on it.

Put the lid on it.

I'm here today with a man

who is living his dream.

By day, he delivers food

for people,

and, uh, on the weekend,

uh, he drives his monster truck

around crushing cars --

my good buddy,

dougie franklin.

Thank you, red.

As the sign says,

I love this truck

and I love the work I do

in it.

You should see the look on

some of these people's faces

when they see this --

this vehicle coming across

their front lawn.

Oh, I'll bet.

It's a wonderful feeling.

And being so high up,

too,

they don't even have to come

downstairs for their dinner.

I can just slip it right through

the second-story window to them.

It's a convenient thing.

But, you know, red, some of

these people, they got nothing.

They got no food.

They got nothing.

It's -- there's something wrong

with a society

when some people have so much

and other people have so little.

I mean, you know, it's like

we got our priorities

screwed up

somewhere along the way.

Oh, that is so true, dougie,

you know?

What would a -- what would

a truck like this cost?

Uh...About $86,000.

$86,000.

That's fully loaded, though.

I-I used to have

a honda civic.

We took her to the tractor-

and truck-pull thing,

but, uh, we didn't fare

very well at all,

so I had to get rid

of it.

Yeah, but, uh, dougie, there is,

uh, a lot more to this sport

than just, uh, lining up

in front of a bunch of old cars

and then, uh,

flying through the air

and then, uh, coming down

and crushing them.

Nope.

No, that's about it.

That'd sum her up

in a nutshell,

I think what the sport's

all about.

But, you know,

if I might just get serious

for just a second, red,

I'd like to talk to you kids

at home.

If you kids at home

have got an oversized truck

with humongo tires

like this,

you don't want to be trying

the stuff that we do.

Leave it

to the professionals,

because you could get into,

like, a, uh...

Things could happen

to your head

and, uh, you could deal

with some head injuries.

Uh, and --

and your head could get, uh --

you can --

you can hurt, uh...

Heads would get injured

there bad.

Did I say that?

I think I did.

Yeah, while you were

speaking there,

I was just wondering

if maybe a seat belt

might be a good idea

in a sport like this.

Oh, oh, yeah, you bet

your bottom dollar on that.

Now, I have a seat belt,

but it's crawled --

it's snuck back here into

the crack of this seat here,

and I can't get at it.

It's been welded

into -- into place.

I can't get at her,

but, you know, it's a safe --

it is a safe sport, red.

I mean,

nobody is gonna get hurt

unless, of course,

they got their face

staring up the barrel

of my exhaust

when I fire this baby up.

Boy,

that will set you free.

I tell you --

there's a story behind that one.

Yep.

Maybe some other time, huh?

Huh?

I never knew toupees

cost so much money,

I'll tell you that

right now.

Well,

that's dougie franklin,

a man who has combined his hobby

and his work

into one huge,

great big gigantic truck here.

Or that they were flammable,

too.

That sucker...Right off.

He was a cue ball.

He was a cue ball.

Unbelievable.

You know, he come in

looking like tom selleck

and he went out

looking like kojak.

So, uh, anyway, uh,

after moose thompson

had seen the ghost of elvis, it

kind of changed his personality,

or I should say

it got him a personality.

Put, uh, rhinestones

all over his plaid shirt

and his hunting vest

and his tent.

And he went around saying,

"thank you very much," you know?

And he bought his mother

a motor home.

He called it greaseland.

You know,

we try to be tolerant of people

for a couple of minutes or so,

but then it got to the point

where he was really

getting on our nerves.

Uh, so we knocked him down,

stepped on his face,

and slandered his name

all over the place.

Now he thinks he's mama cass.

Anyway, uh,

if my wife is watching,

I'm gonna be coming

straight home,

and, uh, I've decided not

to put my hair into a ducktail

'cause I couldn't get the duck

to go for it.

Anyway, uh, on behalf of myself,

uh, and...

Harold.

Yeah, close enough.

And the rest of us

up at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ indistinct conversation ]

[ motor whirring ]

all right, let her go.

Yeah, that's it.

Now, that's flying at its best,

isn't it?

Take this little extra time

and youngsters get to have

some fun and, uh --

is it okay?

Eh, it'll be -- we got some

duct tape in the van there

and whatever.

Golly, I'm thirsty.

Clean that up,

will you, max?