A Lot Like Christmas/Transcript

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game! Tonight's winner receives {shows off coupon reading "150 BOTOX INJECTIONS" with a plunger to the right of "INJECTIONS" and an old man below the plunger} this coupon for 150 botox injections! This Christmas, kiss your wrinkles goodbye!...if you can still use your lips. {puts coupon down on table} Okay, cover your ears, Dalton. {picks word sign up} Red, you got 30 seconds to get Dalton Humphrey...

{Winston turns the sign around, which reads "Yule".}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...to say this word... "Yule". "Yule".

RED GREEN: All right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {sets sign down on table} And, go!

RED GREEN: Okay, Dalton, this is an old-fashioned word for Christmas.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Humbug.

RED GREEN: Okay, think about this: something-tide.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Lemon fresh?

RED GREEN: Okay, okay. Remember that bald guy who was in the movies, who was a really great actor?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Elmer Fudd.

RED GREEN: Okay, this is a kind of log that people use at Christmas.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Catalog?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, this is something people burn.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Uh, money.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You guys are almost out of time.

RED GREEN: Why do you have such a negative attitude towards the festive season, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, gee, you should come by my house Christmas morning. Then yule see.

RED GREEN: There you go! {rings the bell rapidly while Winston hands coupon to Dalton}

The Experts
{The camera slowly zooms in on Harold.}

HAROLD GREEN: This is the portion of the show where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say:

''{Harold is revealed to be sitting on a chair, with a table in front of it. Next to his chair, Red and Hap are sitting on a car-themed couch.}''

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: Ha, that's true, eh? {picks up a letter} Okay, today's letter goes as follows: {reads letter} "Dear Experts:" La la la. "I am nine years old and all my friends say that Santa Claus does not exist. Is this true, or does he actually exist?"

RED GREEN: Oh, boy, that's a tough one. I don't know if I've ever seen a real Santa Claus. I mean, a fat, obese guy with a white beard pretty much describes every Lodge member.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, Santa's not really obese, Red. He's just overweight. They eat a lot of blubber up there at the North Pole, you know. And it's not just loaded with unsaturated fat, it is unsaturated fat.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you've actually met Santa Claus, Mr. Shaughnessy?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, no, to say I've met him would be pushing it.

RED GREEN: And when Hap starts pushing it, we end up shoving it.

HAROLD GREEN: This viewer's asked a specific question and if we can answer it, we should.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, uh, you know, I don't like to exaggerate, but my run-in with Santa saved the world from nuclear annihilation.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} You asked for this.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: It was Christmas Eve 1963. We were holding at our fail-safe points when word came from the Pentagon that an unidentified aircraft was approaching from the north. They figured it was the leading edge of a massive Russian attack, and we proceeded towards our targets inside the Soviet Union while NORAD got ready to shoot the airplane down. Well, when we opened the bomb-ay doors, we could see that, actually, it was Santa in his sleigh.

RED GREEN: Any alcohol served on that flight, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: You know, Harold, a lot of this stuff is classified information. I may have said too much already.

RED GREEN: Oh, for sure.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, well, um, I would say to this viewer that, um, sometimes, you just have to believe, even though that may be difficult, and I'll tell you this much, I believe in Santa Claus.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I believe in Santa.

RED GREEN: I believe in Santa more than I believe in Hap.

Plot Segment 3
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, everybody has

their own special things

that make it christmas.

For some it's

the spirit of giving

and sharing a special

time with loved ones.

For me it's the tinsel.

And I'll tell you something,

the tinsel manufacturers

are aware of guys like me.

They make us pay

through the nose.

Well, that doesn't strike

me as a very christmasy

attitude.

So I've come up with a way to

shaft those guys big time.

Borrow a paper

shredder from work.

You know, I find

the christmas party

is a great time to sneak

stuff out the back door --

you know, office supplies

or computers or whatever.

Hey, it's christmas, huh?

You know what they say,

the lord helps those

who help themselves.

But we're not gonna

shred paper, oh, no!

We're going to shred a bunch

of these foil potato

chip bags.

Make sure they're

completely empty first,

but if you're like me,

and I'm pretty sure you are,

that shouldn't

be a problem.

All right, first just

turn on your paper shredder,

and it's beginning to

look a lot like christmas.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

That's great.

You know what...

I feel the same way myself.

We're all pretty excited

here at the lodge too,

because today is

our santa claus parade,

and men just love

being in parades.

You know, you get to

drive a weird vehicle;

you're the centre

of attention;

and you never have to stop

and ask for directions.

You wanted to see me, red?

[ applause ]

yeah, we got the sleigh

all ready to go.

Now we just need you to

rustle up some reindeer

to pull it.

So how many do you think

you're going to need?

Well, who gets to

be santa this year?

Moose thompson.

Oh, moose is a

pretty wide load.

Yeah, we'll need

about 20 reindeer.

Yeah, we're going to

have hide moose from

the reindeer,

because, man, they're,

like, skittish, you know.

Well, you would know, ed.

Okay, I'll be back

in an hour with

the reindeer.

Oh, and I'll need

about 100 guys

to help me get 'em out

of the back of the truck.

A hundred guys?

That's a little

overkill, isn't it?

Red, in the animal

control business,

there is no such

thing as overkill!

[ cheers and applause ]

what do you want?

Well, I heard you

wanted to see me.

No, I didn't.

Never said that.

No? Oh.

I just thought I could help

with the planning of the

parade or something.

You know what?

We got it covered.

Oh.

We're fine.

Oh, good.

Good. Good.

Yep, we're good.

So what sort of things

are santa throwing

out to the kids?

Well, his hand.

He's gonna wave.

No, it's a parade!

Santa has to toss treats

or something out to the kids.

Well, okay, we'll dig up

some old fishing lures.

No, I don't think so, no!

Well, okay,

you know what?

Go see dalton.

Maybe he's got

something in his store

he could give you

to throw to the kids.

Mr. Humphrey?

I sure hope he's in

the christmas spirit.

Oh, sure he

will be.

Just make sure you tell

him it's a tax write-off.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner

receives this coupon

for 150 botox injections.

This christmas kiss

your wrinkles good-bye --

if you can still

use your lips.

Okay, cover your

ears, dalton.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton humphrey

to say this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, dalton, this is an

old-fashioned word

for christmas.

Humbug.

Okay, think about this...

Something tide.

Lemon fresh?

Okay, okay, remember that bald

guy who was in the movies?

He was a really

great actor.

Elmer fudd.

Okay, this is a kind

of log that people

use at christmas.

Catalogue?

No, this is

something people burn.

Uh, money.

You guys are almost

out of time.

Why do you have such

a negative attitude

toward the festive

season, dalton?

Well, gee, you should come by

my house christmas morning.

Then you'll see.

There you go!

[ ♪ ]

this is the repair shop

part of the show

we call, if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

And joining me tonight is

explosives enthusiast

edgar montrose.

What have you got

for us, edgar?

Only one time with

a pitchfork, red.

No, what have you got

for the repair shop?

Oh, nothing to repair.

No, I'm just looking for

some advice on which one

of these gifts

I should give my

eight-year-old nephew.

Well,

the stuffed animal.

On the one hand I could

give him this boring

stuffed toy.

Yeah, that's the one,

the stuffed animal.

Or I could give

him this customized

edgar k. B. Montrose

jack-in-the-box.

Any explosives involved

in there, edgar?

Hopefully.

And what kind of a message

is that saying to the

kids out there?

Well, it teaches them

that life is full of

surprises,

that you just can't make

your problems go away.

But you can make abandoned

vehicles go away!

No, edgar, go with

the stuffed animal.

Oh, all right, I'll give

him the stuffed animal.

But let me show you

the jack-in-the-box.

(hesitates)

yeah, all right.

You like

surprises, red?

Not since that time

I changed a diaper, no.

[ music box playing ]

I love this.

[ music continues ]

no! No! No!

[ applause ]

merry christmas, red.

Oh, man.

[ playing badly ]

you know, everybody likes

music around christmas,

especially if it comes

from something quaint,

like this old pipe organ.

Kind of takes you

back to the olden days

when your ancestors

would maybe sing carols

sitting around a cold fire,

freezing their butts off.

But one thing that hasn't

changed over the years

is the tiresome job of handing

out the christmas presents.

So today on handyman corner

I'm going to combine those

two functions

into a kind of a

yuletide gift-dispensing

pipe organ thing,

because any time you can

build a device that does

two jobs at once

there's a chance you

won't have to do anything.

Now, the only

condition you need

is that everything

has to be wrapped in

a cylindrical shape.

You know, like this

wine bottle

or a sleeve

of tennis balls

or even a rolling pin.

And even if it's

not the right shape,

as long as it will fit inside,

say, one of these

shipping tubes,

it's fine.

Now you just wrap

everything up good and snug.

Smooth down the

outside of her there.

Make sure

they're airtight,

kind of like your sleeping bag

on mexican night.

Okay, now, the pipe

organ runs on air,

so you pump on the

pedals and the air goes

through the pipes.

And that's plenty of

air for making music,

but for our purposes,

we're going to need something

with a little more oomph.

So I've replaced the pedals

with this high-volume

industrial air compressor.

Okay, I'm not too sure

how much pressure I need,

so I'm just gonna

open her up full.

Then I'll just back it off

if something breaks.

Now all we have to do is

match our various sized gifts

with our various

sized pipes.

Then when you

press down on a key,

see, the compressor

will play a note

and fire the gift

out to the recipient.

[ hits note ]

[ glass breaking ]

okay, uh, you might wanna

give them a baseball glove

or a pillow case

to catch it in.

And make sure

grandpa's awake,

or he won't be.

And now, of course,

you're going to be able

to get the music

and the gift giving over

as quickly as possible.

And isn't that what

christmas is all about?

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you hand --

well, by the way, make sure

you pick a piece of music

that hits all

the right notes.

Here we are: It's beginning

to look a lot like christmas.

[ knuckles cracking ]

[ playing haltingly ]

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

oh, hi there,

boys and girls.

You know, I hope they're

still calling you that,

because I've seen some of

your pictures in those

teen magazines,

and -- well, I'm just

not sure anymore.

[ whistle ]

wow!

Anyway, at this

joyous time of year,

I'd like you to start

thinking about those

who are less fortunate

than yourselves...

Me.

While you're at home

all snuggled in your bed,

waiting for santa to

come down the chimney,

I'm up here in my

fire watch tower

making sure there are

no forest fires.

Well, boys and girls,

it's 40° below zero.

I'd kill for a

freakin' forest fire.

But, oh, no.

And there you are at home

all snugly and warm and cozy

singing christmas carols

and eating figgy pudding.

Not me.

I have very little pudding

and absolutely no figgy.

On christmas morning

you'll wake up to gifts

underneath the tree.

Oh, sure, the animals leave

gifts for me underneath

the trees.

But they're very, very

seldom wrapped,

and they're never

the right size.

Now, don't get me wrong,

I'm not looking

for your pity.

I'm just kidding.

I am looking for your pity.

And I'll tel you why...

Because every

once in a while,

you have to stop thinking

about yourselves and realise

that there are people out

there that care about you,

that are doing their level

best to take care of you.

So have a wonderful

holiday season,

but remember:

It's not about you.

It's about me.

Merry christmas.

♪ o'er the hills we go ♪

( voice cracking )

♪ laughing all the way ♪

I was just over at moose

thompson's house,

helping him get into

his santa outfit.

By golly,

he is a large man.

You know, it's

a stretchy material,

so we could actually get

it on over his butt,

but we're going to have

to grease the inside

of the sleigh,

or he'll have to stand

for the whole parade.

Uncle red!

Would you tell mr. Humphrey

that his offering

is no good?

You want me to give you

something free

so that santa can

toss treats to the kids,

and red, there is a

limit to what I can do.

Red:

And what is that

limit, dalton?

Seven cases

of prunes.

Yeah, but they're

pitted prunes,

so no one's gonna

lose an eye or anything.

Well, don't you have little

airplanes or stuffed toys

to toss out

to the kids?

Well, yes, I do.

I sell them.

That's how I

support myself.

And that's how I'm able

to give things away

for free,

like seven cases

of prunes.

Of course,

if you don't want them...

No, no, no,

we'll take 'em.

All right, I'll leave

'em beside the shed.

Good.

Prunes?

Get over it,

harold, all right?

I got some bad

news, red.

I could only get

four reindeer.

Well, no, that's fine.

That'll get the job done.

Four is fine.

Not with moose thompson

in the sleigh.

In fact, I won't

allow it.

No, no, there's nothing

meaner than reindeer

with a hernia.

Well, what do we

do now, guys?

Well, obviously we have to

find somebody smaller

than moose thompson

but who still looks

like santa claus.

[ laughter ]

red (voice over):

Now, one of the parts of

our santa claus parade float

was going to be our frosty

the snowman display.

So we are keeping

it in the arena,

we didn't

have a lot of snow.

Walter's not good on ice.

That's the problem with --

oh, and he --

but he seems to like to

take winston with him

wherever he goes.

So, uh, winston does not have

the sense of humour that

he really needs.

This is going

to take a while.

All we're trying to do

is get frosty --

no, no, no.

Well, great. Okay.

So now we got

a headless frosty

which means we need

some fresh snow.

So they got

the zamboni there.

I know these things,

what they do is they

scrape the ice,

and all the snow goes

up into a hopper,

and I figured we could use

that as our snow supply,

and then we could make

ourselves a new head

for frosty on there.

Grab a handful of snow.

We're going to make

a new head for frosty.

C'mon get some snow there.

Watch yourself

there, walter.

Walter's a little shaky.

But winston's still carrying

the grudge on walter.

Of course --

that's not so good.

Winston finds

that very funny,

and I'm thinking you know,

try a little of your own --

there we go.

I feel so much better,

and walter's enjoying that.

All you have to do with

walter is threaten him

and down he goes.

But the broom flies

through the air,

and wouldn't you know it,

hits  the controls

on the zamboni,

and she starts

heading towards us.

At this point it's

every man for himself.

Walter's kind of flailing

away on the ice.

Oh, boy, this is not --

oh, boy. Oh, man.

Have a nice

christmas, walter.

Now she grinds to halt,

and I don't know

where he is in this.

First thing we should do

is just open her up

and see in --

oh, he's fine.

So we get walter out of there

and meanwhile winston is

back with the snow,

and he's made himself

a brand new head

and put frosty right back

the way he should be.

But winston figured that

to protect frosty,

apparently if you put

a little coating of water,

it'll freeze it.

Put a nice coating

on it and it won't be

susceptible to damages.

So he's just

gonna do that.

And I'm saying it's not as

smart as it looks, winston.

I believe they use the hot

water in those zambonis,

and, to me, hot water

and snow, it's not

really a good --

no, no, he knows.

He's a professional.

He's good with a hose.

He knows what he's --

now the end comes off.

He's got hot water

going everywhere.

And I got her turned off,

but there's frosty and --

luckily I had a sign handy

that was just perfect

for the occasion.

And it was a great day.

You okay?

Oh, man.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

we all know that christmas

is right around the corner,

which is a time for gifts and

joy and warm family moments.

And they also expect you

to decorate your house

with lights

and mistletoe and wreaths.

Well, here's a quick easy way

to do what you got to do

and still save a few bucks.

Get yourself all the old bows

that your wife has saved

over the years.

And then sprinkle them

into a window box.

My wife's old beaus are

sprinkled all over the county.

And in the second box you want

to pour down a thin layer

of liquid glue.

Got to be something with a

fair amount of adhesive

power to it.

[ grunting ]

this seems perfect.

[ glass breaking ]

guess I might as well

use all of this.

I'm going to have a real

problem getting the top

back on there.

Okay.

Now you take

a spare tire --

everybody has a spare

tire this time of year,

and you roll that through

your glue bath, eh?

Don't worry if

it's an old tire

because you want to pick up

as much glue as you can,

and the less

tread the better.

Bald is beautiful.

Now you just throw your

glued up tire through

your box of bows.

You know, when you

think about it,

you're running over your

wife's old beaus.

That's gotta be fun, huh?

Whoever thought I'd get

two jokes out of that?

Maybe I didn't.

[ applause ]

there you go.

Got ourselves a pretty

handsome christmas wreath.

I got an idea.

Have yourself a

murray chrysler

and a hyundai new year.

[ applause ]

this is the

portion of the show

where we examine those three

little words that men find

so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know.

That's true, eh?

Okay, today's letter

goes as follows...

"dear experts --"

la la la.

"I am nine years old,

"and all my friends say that

santa claus does not exist.

"is this true or does

he actually exist?"

oh, boy,

that's a tough one.

I don't know if I've ever

seen the real santa claus.

I mean, a jolly, obese guy

with a white beard

pretty much describes

every lodge member.

Well, santa's not

really obese, red.

He's just

overweight.

They eat a lot of blubber up

there at the north pole,

and it's not just loaded

with unsaturated fat,

it is unsaturated fat.

You've actually

met santa claus,

mr. Shaughnessy?

Well, no,

to say I've met him

would be pushing it.

And when hap

starts pushing it,

we end up shovelling it.

This viewer has asked

a specific question,

and if we can

answer it, we should.

Well, harold, you know

I don't like to exaggerate,

but my run-in with santa

saved the world from

nuclear annihilation.

You asked for this.

It was christmas eve, 1963.

We were holding at

our fail-safe points

when word came

from the pentagon

that an unidentified

aircraft was approaching

from the north.

They figured it was

the leading edge of a

massive russian attack,

and we proceeded towards

our targets inside the

soviet union,

while n.O.R.A.D.

Got ready to shoot

their plane down.

Well, when we opened

our bomb bay doors

we could see that it was

actually santa in his sleigh.

Any alcohol served

on that flight?

You know, harold, a lot of

this stuff is classified

information.

I may have said

too much already.

Oh, for sure.

Okay, well, um, I would

say to this viewer

that, um, sometimes you

just have to believe,

even though that

may be difficult.

But I'll tell you this much,

I believe it santa clause.

I believe in

santa.

I believe in santa more

than I believe in hap.

[ applause ]

boy, the snow is really

coming down out there.

Now, we're having the santa

clause parade right after

the lodge meeting.

I'm hoping the reindeer can

find there way out there

through that blizzard.

You know, I think it's

a good thing you being santa.

Maybe it'll rub off.

You know,

you might be right.

I'm already thinking of

jamming something down

your stocking.

Red! Red!

We got a serious problem!

What? Did you see

a mouse of something?

No! The reindeer

ate all the prunes.

Well, ed! Ed!

What are you going to do?

Move my car!

That was seven

cases of prunes.

There's no way I'm standing

in a sleigh behind them.

Maybe you could stand in

the back of the possum van.

We'll open the side door,

and you could still wave

at the kids.

Yeah. Okay.

But I need a chauffeur.

Oh, right.

Who are we gonna get?

Well, harold, if you're

so doggone bright,

won't you drive

my van tonight?

♪ and I'll go

down in history ♪

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time, santa.

Yeah, you go ahead,

rudolph.

I'll be right down.

Good luck

with that nose.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And I wonder if you

could do me a favour,

clean out the fireplace.

I'm dressed as santa,

harold's driving the van,

pretty good chance I'm

going to end up on the

roof somewhere.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself, harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

have yourself

a great christmas,

and keep your

stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

c'mon, you guys. Let's go.

Everybody sit down.

Meeting's coming to order.

Sit down, please. Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red:

Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if a have to, I guess.

Okay, men, listen.

We've got a pretty good

blizzard goin' on out there.

And the reindeer have eaten

a fair whack of prunes.

So you really

want to be careful

there's lots

of things to slip on.

Oh, yeah,

and merry christmas, guys.

C'mon, harold.

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