Skeet Golf/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold:

Is the world going by too fast?

Does your life seem

like a bad movie

and the vcr's

stuck on fast-forward?

It's flashing "12:00,

12:00, 12:00, 12:00"?

Well, it's time to put

your life on pause,

readjust your skew,

reset your counter,

clean your heads.

It's "the red green show."

and here's the man whose life

really is a tv show

on the unmarked tape of reality.

Here he is, my uncle,

and the man

they call red green --

well, because it's his name.

Here he is, red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you, and, uh,

welcome to possum lodge.

Despite, actually, what

my nephew harold here says,

I'm not so much

the star of the show

as I am ringmaster

of the circus.

So, let's, uh,

bring in the clowns.

Harold, say hello.

Okay. Um, hello.

I-I'm harold green.

I'm the, uh, director/producer

of the show. Wa-a-a!

And I do things like this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

ha ha!

It gives the show

that, you know,

professional

and slick look.

Yeah, a lot like his haircut.

And we all have different areas

of expertise

up here at the lodge.

And as ringmaster,

my job is to understand

the workings of the human mind

and see if that

in any way relates

to any of the lodge members.

Because we all have, uh,

all these different interests,

and yet, you know, we do share,

uh, certain things.

We share a love of sports

and the outdoors

and beer and good talk

and women.

Although I think if most

of the members could --

could find a woman, they'd

probably drop everything else.

Actually, uncle red,

you're married,

and you still like sports,

beer, and the outdoors.

Yeah,

but I-I just do that

to keep my marriage fresh,

harold.

Anyway, everybody has

all these different interests,

and -- and nobody

judges anybody, so --

so you don't get judged

yourself.

You know, "let he

who is without stupidity

cast the first insult."

and sometimes the guys

will actually combine

a couple of their interests,

like, uh, say,

beer and the outdoors

or beer and sports

or beer and talk.

Helmut: Pull!

[ thwack ]

bob: Fore!

[ gunshot ]

pull!

[ thwack ]

[ gunshots ]

what was that?

Well, that's, uh -- that's

another, uh, combo out there.

You see, uh, bob drives

the golf balls out,

and then, uh, helmut

blasts them out of the air

with a shotgun shell.

It's called "skeet golf."

how come nobody, like, combines

their interests with mine?

You know,

I-I feel sort of left out.

I have interests, too.

Well, why don't we do that

right now, harold?

You take us into

the next segment with that --

that gizmo of yours,

which is one of your interests,

and then I can go back

to ignoring you,

which is one of mine.

Oh, okay. Great.

Was that an insult?

Not if you have to ask.

Ah, no. Sorry, bill.

Now you took too much

off that leg.

You got to take some more

off the other side.

Bill, bill,

bill, bill, bill!

Can you take it outside?

Thank you.

Helmut: Pull!

Bob: Fore!

[ gunshot ]

good, good.

Been shopping,

huh, glen?

Got some stuff

for the r.V., harold.

Air fresheners.

Whoo!

When it comes to r.V.S,

you're -- what's that phrase?

What's that phrase?

It starts with an "a."

aficionado.

No. Anal-retentive.

That's it.

[ gunshots ]

[ laughter in distance ]

what the hell's

going on out there?

Oh, bob and helmut --

they're playing skeet golf.

Ah. Skeet golf?

Yeah.

Like, bob can't get anybody

to play golf with him, right,

and helmut can't find anybody

to go hunting with him,

so what they do

is bob hits the balls,

and then helmut

blasts them.

And the little pieces --

when they land,

they don't hit people.

Oh.

Helmut: Pull!

Bob: Fore!

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

oh, my god.

That was glass breaking.

My r.V.'s parked --

they've wrecked my r.V.!

No, no. Glen, no.

I'm pretty sure no way,

because they hit them

out towards the lake.

You're okay, really.

Oh.

All right. I'll tell you

what we'll do, helmut.

We'll pretend that --

oh.

[ laughs nervously ]

uh, hi, glen.

Uh, how are you doing today?

Good to see you.

You guys wrecked my r.V.,

didn't you?

Glen, glen,

don't be silly.

No, of course not.

You're being nice to me.

You did!

You wrecked my...

Way to go, helmut!

Me?

You're supposed to

blast the ball

before

it hits the ground.

You hit it backwards,

bob.

The ball actually

went backwards.

I don't mind

shooting them

when you're hooking them

and slicing them in front of me,

but I don't have eyes

in the back of my head.

You don't have anything

in the back of your head.

Glen:

No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Oh, god.

Listen to him.

What's with him

and that mobile home, anyway?

You know what he is?

Well, I don't want to say it

in front of harold,

but it starts

with an "a."

anal-retentive?

No, but you're close.

I got to get

some more shells.

Guys been, uh, skeet golfing

again there, bob?

Ah, yes, sir, red.

It's great fun, you know?

Seeing little bits of dimpled

ball rain down over the lake.

You wrecked it!

You wrecked my r.V.!

You've destroyed it!

Is it all smashed up in

little pieces and everything?

Yes.

Wa-a-a! I got to see this!

Neat!

Red,

they smashed my sunroof.

You guys will pay for it.

You guys will replace it,

not me.

I didn't wreck it.

You animals wrecked it.

All right, all right, glen.

We'll replace it.

Same make, same model,

same everything.

Fine.

It's a 24-foot

sea breeze coastliner 2000.

I got the optional v-8 engine,

and I got the plush interior.

What kind of a sunroof

is that?

I think he's talking about

the whole r.V., bob.

Yes. You wrecked it.

You replace it.

Look,

I'll replace the sunroof.

The rest of it

was your mistake.

[ laughs ]

you'll get me a new r.V.,

mister.

I don't think so.

Why don't you go talk to helmut,

get him to replace it?

That's it.

Go yell at helmut.

Oh, yeah. You'd love that,

wouldn't you? Seeing me dead!

You just get me

a new r.V., bob.

Maybe you don't

remember this,

but I'm the natural-resource rep

in this area.

Well, I could close down

that marina of yours.

It's just a big toxic dump

with boats stuck to it.

Fine, bob.

Just get me a new r.V.

Red, I want these guys

suspended from the lodge

until they buy me

a substitute home.

Well, you guys have to bring

that up at the meeting tonight.

I got --

I got some things to do.

Bring your checkbook, pal.

Well, you too, pal.

I ought to go down to that

black hole you call a marina

for a quick inspection.

I can probably come up with

about -- oh, I don't know --

$5,000 worth

of environmental infractions

just at the gas pump!

You owe me a new r.V.,

bob!

♪ lean to the left

and lean to the right ♪

♪ flop on your belly

and shut your eyes tight ♪

♪ hop on your haunches,

jump in the air ♪

♪ it looks to me like that meal

was a little too spicy ♪

red: This week on, uh,

"handyman corner,"

I'm gonna show you

something you can do

with an old fridge

that's lost what it takes

to keep your butter hard.

You know, with an old --

an old fridge like this,

I'll tell you something.

You'd have to pay a scrap dealer

to haul this thing away.

But we're gonna turn it

into something

that no junk dealer

would touch --

a gentleman's armoire.

All right. First thing

we got to do is...

We got to disconnect

the refrigeration unit here.

[ grunting ]

all righty.

Now, we just pry all this stuff

off the back.

But we have

a little problem here.

Uh, there's a gas in this

that's called freon.

Now, this is a gas

that has no smell.

We don't see a lot of that

up at the lodge.

But the problem with it is that,

uh, once this stuff cuts loose,

it goes up,

way up into the atmosphere

and takes out the ono layer

or something like that.

So, uh, we got to be

very careful

and try and capture all the gas

as soon as it escapes.

So, here's what we do.

We just, first of all,

break the seal.

[ gas hissing ]

all right.

Now very -- very quickly...

[ vacuum cleaner whirs ]

you know, if everybody did that,

uh, the earth would be a heck

of a lot better place to live.

I'll tell you that.

Now we're just gonna, uh,

gently remove the --

the pump, uh, unit

on the bottom there.

[ grunts ]

all righty.

My golly, she's really on there.

So, now we got her.

And what do we have to do

to turn it

into a gentleman's armoire?

Diddly squat.

You got your ties

in the door there.

You got a shelf for your shirts.

You got a shelf for your pants.

You got a shelf for other things

you don't like to describe

in public.

You keep your underwear

in the cheese keeper over here.

Keep your, uh, socks

in the vegetable crisper.

Might want to throw a box

of baking soda in there.

You got all your clothes handy

and, uh --

and just right ready

for you to use.

And look what we got up here

in the freezer.

Your very own haber-stashery.

You know, harold says teenagers

like to wear cool clothes.

Well, how much cooler can you be

than to have your clothes

in the fridge?

Personally, I'd rather, uh,

give my clothes to sally ann

and throw harold in the fridge.

Actually,

I-I did want to show you

something else

you can do with a fridge.

You can turn a fridge, actually,

into a -- into a fishing boat.

But we are

a little short of time,

so I'm just gonna

say, remember --

if the women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least, uh,

find you handy.

If you want to do

the fishing-boat thing,

you just, uh,

knock off both doors,

flip her over on its back,

put a 20-horse on the back,

throw your bait

into the meat keeper,

and you're gone.

Oh, bill, wow. Great.

Think you got it?

Wa-a!

Three more of these, and you

can open a japanese restaurant.

"it is spring.

"the days are growing longer.

"the nights are growing shorter.

Some of us think

there may be a connection."

well, glen braxton

is still on the warpath

about his r.V.'s sunroof.

Glen blames bob

because, uh, bob's 90 pounds

lighter than helmut,

and, also, golf clubs

don't hurt as much as guns.

Now, bob, on the other hand --

he blames --

he blames helmut,

but not to his face, of course.

And helmut could care less,

which is a pretty popular

attitude up here at the lodge.

But I'll tell you, bob has

really got his dander up.

Well, uncle red, he can use

my special shampoo if he wants.

Smells like rotten eggs,

you know, but it really works.

No, harold, I said,

"he got his dander up," okay?

It means he got angry.

What -- what's a dander?

Is it, like, a body part

I've never heard of?

I don't know what it is,

harold.

It's just something that

goes up when you get angry.

Well, if you don't know

what it is,

how do you know

if it's up or down?

Don't worry, harold.

You'll know.

Anyway, uh,

bob has notified glen

that, uh, the marina is

a class-9 environmental hazard

and a class-10 eyesore.

He went down there

taking samples.

He's got air samples,

water samples, soil samples.

He's ended up -- he impounded

the whole marina,

including glen's r.V.

That was parked inside.

Glen got so darned mad,

he attacked bob

with a boat trailer.

Is this whole situation getting

out of control and/or what?

I hate to see a good friendship

break up 'cause of money.

You know, that's why

I never ask for a raise.

Yeah. Well, this is

a pride thing, harold.

Neither one of these guys

wants to look like a loser.

There's a challenge.

Now it's a question of honor,

okay?

Nobody wants to back down.

Ah! So they're fighting like

two roosters over a hen.

Exactly right, harold.

Wa-a-a!

I knew this whole thing

was about s-e-x.

[ laughs ]

fighting like two roosters.

Wa-a!

I'll bet you that's

what a dander is.

I'll bet you it's that --

like, that red, fleshy thing

that hangs from

a rooster's neck, like that.

That's a dander.

Wa-a! Figured it out.

Dander. Wa-a!

Oh, helmut,

you're down here.

Yeah. Greasing my...Pump.

Boy, I sure envy

you single guys.

You know, helmut, this --

this stupid sunroof argument

has blown

way out of proportion.

Bob and glen

are acting like kids.

Oh. That's terrible.

What would

their moms say?

I know

what my mom would say.

She'd say, "you act civilized

or else." whack!

My mom's a special lady.

Well, she must be, helmut.

She lets you live at home.

Well,

I help with the rent.

You know, the landlord

comes over, and I scare him off.

Life hasn't been easy

for my mom.

You know, first,

I was a difficult birth.

And that's not easy

on a 16-year-old girl.

And then my father -- you know,

he left home when I was 6.

Oh, my gosh.

Where'd he go?

The beer store.

The first time I saw him

get off the couch ever.

And then my mom had to do

everything herself --

clean the place,

order the pizzas.

But she held down

two jobs.

She was a wax jockey

at the car wash

and a human cannonball

at the circus.

She taught herself karate.

This woman's a saint.

Well, it sounds like

she was canonized

by the ringling brothers.

And speaking

of projectiles, helmut,

uh, what about

this sunroof thing?

Well, uh, I guess I could

have a look at it,

but, uh, first, I got to

get the pump running.

Then I said I'd clean out the

eaves troughs on stinky's truck.

Well, I'd just appreciate

if you take a look.

You know what? I think your

mother would appreciate it, too.

Yeah? Really?

Oh, yeah.

I think so, yeah.

Well, I-I'll do it

right now, then, for ma.

Great.

Oh, I'd better

take some tools.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Bill told me

to meet him out in the woods,

but I didn't --

I couldn't --

oh, gosh sakes, huh?

I guess bill had moved.

Anyway, uh, what bill

wanted to show us here was,

if you're out in the woods

and you get hungry,

you don't have to have

brought your lunch or anything.

There's --

there's food available

right from the various

plants and trees.

Now, this one here, for example,

some type of a nut.

It's a hard, little, uh, nut.

Might be a type

of a walnut or something.

You just shake the tree.

I thought maybe a kick

might help, but that could --

yeah, yeah,

that worked out well.

Funny how the nuts would just

all come down on the one side,

but I would say the nuts

are attracted to bill.

Anyway, you gather them up

and, uh, put them into your,

uh -- into your...

[ pop! ]

it's kind of fun to do.

I wasn't as hungry as bill.

Now he's got to

break the nuts open,

so he's using the knife,

trying to cut through,

but the shell on these

is quite --

watch your fingers there,

bill.

So, he does this with the back

of the -- ow -- then --

and then, of course,

he wants me to hold it.

Watch her careful.

Now, here we go. Watch this.

Well, here we go.

Up, up, up.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh. Oh, by golly.

[ pop! ]

holy smoke.

Uh, he's, uh --

he's okay, though.

He went up to the van

to get a bandage on that.

And I can -- actually,

it worked quite well.

He just took too much

of a backswing on that one.

And it didn't taste too bad,

either.

Now he thought he'd, uh,

take a little safer approach,

use a hammer on this, which I

think was a little too much.

Oh, oh.

Yeah.

But, uh, I mean, the food value

is still there,

even -- even though the nut

is crushed a little.

This -- that's not

an attractive way to eat.

Ah-choo! [ coughs ]

bless you.

Now, this is, uh -- this is

an interesting wild berry

that grows around the --

around the lodge.

And there's two kinds of this.

One is very sweet and delicious,

and the other is very sour

and -- and I think

will kill you.

And they look identical.

So I think it's mainly -- no.

No, we got the wrong ones.

We got the wrong ones

there, bill.

Bill, wrong ones.

And, of course,

now the frustration.

This happens with men sometimes,

and it just...

I'm not proud of that.

Now, this was, uh,

tried to use some smoke

to get the bees

out of the beehive

so that we can get the honey.

I never knew this before,

but apparently, the smoke, uh --

but I think

you should pay, bill,

a little more attention

to where the...

Uh, bill?

Uh, well, the --

I guess it's toasted honey.

[ groans ]

yeah, bill,

I'll take care of it.

Harold, uh,

have you given any thought

to having children

anytime?

Every night,

I think about it.

No, no,

I mean having children.

Oh. Uh...Well, yeah. I'd like

to have children one day.

Yeah, I think it'd be great.

I'd like to have a child myself.

No. No,

you can't have a child.

Yes, I could do that.

With modern science,

I bet you I could.

You can have a child,

like a child?

Yes, yes. I could be

the first pregnant man.

I could stand behind myself

and -- and support me...

During the birth.

And you -- would you like

to have children?

Uh, not that way.

I don't think there's a

breathing exercise in the world

that could get me

through a delivery.

Oh. It'd be fun

to watch you, though.

You'd make me laugh.

Ha!

Oh, that's important.

Well, I hate to agree

with harold on anything,

you know, but this situation

between bob and glen

actually has gotten out of hand.

After bob impounded

glen's marina

with his r.V. Trapped inside,

glen went over and broke

into bob's office,

which -- which is his locker

at the golf course.

And, well, he stole bob's I.U.D.

Uncle -- uncle red,

I think you mean "I.D."

oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I hope so, yeah.

Well, maybe it was --

maybe it was his I.D.

With an I.O.U. In it.

Uh, anyway, he took his wallet.

And, uh -- and glen went down,

uh, to -- to an r.V. Dealership,

and he used the I.D.

To buy himself a brand-new

30-foot mobile home.

Yeah.

It does sound like I.D.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, uh, glen drove out of

there with -- with his big r.V.

That was bought

by, uh, bob stuyvesant

without him knowing,

of course.

So now bob's account

is about, uh, $50,000 overdrawn,

which is gonna be tough

for him to handle,

even though, you know,

he does make a good living

working part time

for the government.

I thought

he worked full time.

No, no, no.

He's -- he's paid full time,

but he works part time.

The rest of the time,

he golfs.

Anyway,

by the time the bad check

with the fake signature

went "boing,"

the r.V. People

called the cops,

and they came over

and arrested bob and glen,

took them down

to the courthouse.

Well, old man sedgwick

decided to go down

and try to put up bail

for them,

and stinky peterson said he'd

go along as a character witness,

but luckily,

they didn't get to testify.

By the time they got there,

the judge said

that he was gonna drop all

the charges against bob and glen

as long as they could settle the

thing themselves out of court.

So it's the top item of business

at tonight's lodge meeting.

Boy, this pride thing

really is dangerous, isn't it?

Sure is, harold.

You won't catch me doing it.

Pride comes before,

uh...

Something --

something bad.

Oh, by the way, I tried to look

up "dander" in the dictionary.

Oh, yeah?

What'd you find?

I found we could use

a dictionary up here.

[ screeching ]

oh, that's it.

They're calling the meeting.

Oh, this is gonna be great.

The wild possum has screamed!

Uncle red,

let's get downstairs.

Oh, this is gonna be so cool.

He was in jail. Ha ha!

I wonder if he saw

uncle raleigh.

Well, it's amazing

how much intrigue and drama

and excitement we can get

out of a $30 plexiglas sunroof,

isn't it?

Could be worse, though.

We could be at home,

watching this on television.

Sorry, that came out wrong.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all right.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Well, I see, uh, bob and glen

are out of sing sing.

The floor recognizes

bob stuyvesant.

Thank you.

I can't believe

what happened.

I mean, me, a government

official, in jail.

And I'm not even

a politician.

It was horrible.

The cells -- they're --

they're just so small.

There's no room

to practice putting.

I would die in prison.

I would just die.

Prison was fine

for me.

Cell was just like

living in the r.V.

Now, as I understand it,

the judge has told

these two guys

they got to come up with

a settlement of some kind.

Yes.

Well, I got an idea.

Glen, you don't actually

need a new r.V.

You might get a lemon,

or you could get one

with a big scratch.

They come

with big scratches now.

I heard that.

Oh, it's true.

And bob here --

well, it's not his fault

that, uh,

the sunroof got smashed.

You know,

he got a rogue ball.

So, bob, why don't you just

make good on the sunroof,

and everybody will be happy,

and nobody's compromised?

Well,

I-I can live with that.

That's fine for me.

Well, great,

then all we got to do now

is get bob to lift

the injunction on the marina,

and glen here

can open up again.

Well, there's no rush

on that, red.

I want to

get the r.V. Out.

Sure. No problem.

I want to take her

for a run, you know?

She's been sitting around

for a day.

Uh, maybe I could

take you out

to the driving range

tomorrow, bob.

That would be great.

I could drive out

a bucket of balls.

I could drive over

a bucket of balls.

[ laughter ]

yeah, bob. It wasn't

really your fault.

It -- it's that helmut,

that moron.

He couldn't hit

the broadside of a barn.

He -- he is a broadside

of a barn.

'cause he's big.

You know what

my mistake was?

Standing

downwind of him.

He's lucky he didn't shoot

his own head off, that helmut.

Well, it wouldn't

make any difference,

if you know

what I mean.

You guys talking

about me?

Not me.

Bob was, though.

Well, I couldn't fix

the sunroof on your r.V.,

but I found a golf ball.

Oh. That's great.

Why, that's my --

my lucky ball.

Yeah? Good.

[ crunching ]

okay, buster!

How'd you like to step outside!

I'd love to!

Whew! Wa-a-a!

Well, now that

that's taken care of,

I call on bob here to supply

the evening's entertainment.

[ cheers ]

thank you, red.

Well, uh, my fellow brothers,

there's this, uh --

there's this rabbi, this priest,

and this minister.

Well, I guess bob and glen

have to be pretty satisfied

with the way that turned out.

They got to keep their pride

and their teeth.

And they've managed

to stay out of jail,

which, to me, is always worth

a little extra time and effort.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I'm kind of in the mood

for a little two-handed euchre.

Or, failing that,

maybe we could play some cards.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

anyway, anyway, uh,

the rabbi decides eventually

that he's gonna use --

the 5.

5-iron.

5-iron.

Maybe it was a 4-iron.

Putter, wasn't it?

No, he's driving.

Harold: He's driving up

towards the putter?

Will you guys listen

to my story, all right?

Oh, I'm sorry, bob.

Go ahead.

All right. Now, uh --

no, it's not break time yet.

Look, uh -- all right.

Well, he decides

on the 5-iron, okay?

He's using the 5-iron,

and he decides to hit the ball

with a 5-iron.