Safety Week/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold: It's time again

to turn off your alarm clock,

turn on your vcr,

pull up the chair,

pull down the table,

and get ready for, well,

whatever it is --

I mean, it's fun, I guess.

It's not really exciting.

So, yeah,

get ready for some fun.

It's "the red green show,"

starring the star, the host,

and my uncle, of course,

well, because he's married

to my aunt

and he's my father's brother.

So, here he is now,

my uncle in your house,

mr. Red green.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, harold.

Uh, welcome to the show.

Uh, we decided to have

kind of a safety week

up at the lodge this week

because we're losing so many

fishing days to injuries.

I mean, when you stub your toe

on a cast-iron stove

and then you're jumping

up and down

and you end up falling on it

and grilling your own rear end

on a waffle pan

then putting your head

through the stovepipe,

uh, you know, that might be

funny in hindsight.

But, boy, at the time,

it's darned inconvenient.

So we thought we'd have

ourselves a little safety week

and make the lodge

just a safer place

to work and play

and stub your toe.

Uncle red?

What?!

Are you saying to me I can't

even start an interesting story

without you interrupting?

Well, no, by all means,

if you got an interesting story,

go right ahead.

Please articulate it

for us.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Here's red green

with an interesting story.

Wa-a-a!

So, anyway, we thought

we'd start off safety week

by painting up

some safety slogans.

So, we gave the job

to stinky peterson.

But, unfortunately,

he fell off the ladder

and landed on the paint roller.

Uncle red, this whole

"safety week" thing is --

well, in the business,

we like to call it a drag,

dreary, depressing.

It's just not

for this kind of show.

Why not?

It happened.

Yeah, well, so did world war ii,

but we don't talk about it.

"the red green show"

should be bouncy and alive

with lots of visual effects

like this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

If we're gonna win

the gemini award

for "best show

directed by a nephew,"

we should think

about things like this.

So, why don't you just introduce

the next segment,

and I'll take us into it.

That's all right. I'll keep

the story moving, harold.

I'll just leave out

the part

about moose thompson

and the boathook.

Well, it's not the best segue

I ever heard,

but I guess I could live

with that.

Harold, are you wearing

steel-toed shoes?

No.

Good.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ when I was

just a little lad ♪

♪ my father gave to me ♪

♪ a strange and almost

baffling little toy ♪

♪ that filled my heart

and parts of my lung with glee ♪

♪ I shook it

a couple times ♪

♪ tipped it over

once or twice ♪

♪ and then sort of rattled it

off the old man's shin ♪

♪ could you imagine

my surprise ♪

♪ when it turned out to be

a bottle of gin? ♪

[ hammering ]

this week on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

how to prevent this

that I have in my hand here.

Now, this, uh, is

not a charcoal briquette.

This, uh, is a piece of bread,

uh, the kind of bread that helps

build strong cramps 12 ways.

The reason it looks like this

is because this particular

piece of bread

just spent a little too much

time in this unit right here.

This is the kind of thing

that happens

when people are too cheap

to buy a decent wedding gift.

But today, I'm gonna show you

how to fix a toaster.

Now, the first thing you do

is take something like a fork

or a kitchen knife,

something like that,

stick it down in there

and see if something's

kind of got it jammed in there.

[ electricity crackling ]

all right, well, that's good.

That tells us the power is on.

But I think

we should unplug this. Uh...

All right.

Okay, we get her unplugged

there, and I'll tell you,

it's only one of two things that

would be wrong with a toaster.

Uh, number one -- you got your

pop-tart drippings in there,

and they've seized up

the ejection mechanism,

bunged her all up.

So, what I use for that

is the wd-40,

or what we call

the handyman's liquid wrench.

I mean, this stuff could loosen

the intestines of a warthog

after a cheese dinner.

Fire that down in there and...

Now, the other thing that

could possibly be wrong with it

is that the heat sensor

in the inside of the unit

is stuck in the "on" position

and just needs

some sort of a jarring motion

to kind of loosen that up.

So, hopefully, between the two,

uh, we've got this thing

pretty well squared up.

Uh, why don't

I just plug her back in,

and we'll just give her a try.

I think you're gonna

be surprised.

[ electricity crackling ]

gonna need a couple more

of those units.

All right.

All right. Let's just see

what happens here.

[ clears throat ]

well, she's not burning.

I'll tell you,

she's not even heating up.

So we've done it.

I mean, it's just that easy.

Remember -- until next time,

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ wd-40 spraying ]

we're gonna take

a short break,

and then we'll be

right back

with a lot more info

on the "safety week" thing.

Well, it's not

about the fire extinguisher

in the outhouse, is it?

Well, no, we'll let

old man sedgwick tell that

when he gets

out of intensive care.

"it is summer.

"the sun blazes for hours.

"you lean against a black car

"and then gingerly enter

the variety store

"where you empty a bag of ice

into the seat of your pants.

It's not only refreshing.

It's good sense."

so, anyway, we're really getting

into this "safety week" thing

here at the lodge.

So we thought we'd clear out

all the litter

and junk lying around.

Not counting the furniture,

you know?

But we started picking up

all the crap --

the tree stumps

and the rubber tires

and the hunks of boats,

you know,

and the pieces of plywood

and the tractor radiators

and a lot of the driveshafts

and the muffling equipment

and so on.

At least we got the front

hallway cleared up.

And then moose thompson started

counting up the life jackets,

and we ended with, I think,

seven complete life jackets

and I guess about nine

of what you'd call pieces

of life jackets

that we -- we just

duct-taped them together

and made a flotation ring

for the beer cooler.

That was great,

uncle red.

That was just great,

kept the pace up and everything.

That was fantastic.

Way to go.

Why don't we just move

right along

with the next part

of the show?

Why do you keep

interrupting me, harold?

Because the viewers

want something upbeat.

How about something

beat up?

Whoa, red green.

Yeah.

I thought

I heard a voice.

I hear lots of voices,

but this time it's really you!

Yeah, yeah.

A real, live person.

Yeah.

Great.

Can I touch you?

Yeah, great! You're real!

A real, live person!

So, so, so.

Ranger gord.

Yep.

Guardian of the forest.

How's it going, huh?

How's it going, huh?

How's it going?

[ sobbing ]

oh. Okay.

No problem! No problem!

Good, good. That's great.

[ clears throat ]

[ sobbing continues ]

I could come back

another time

if this is not a good time

for you.

No!

Okay.

Today is the first day

of my 13th year up here.

Oh.

Lucky 13, huh?

Yeah, well,

uh, happy anniversary.

Thanks.

[ sniffling ]

I made a cake

out of bark and moss.

You want a slice?

Uh, well, uh,

maybe later, you know?

How do you keep track

of the days up here, gord?

Well, uh, every day,

I'll get up, and I'll eat

a bowl of canned corn.

And then I'll go over,

and I'll carve a notch

into my tree.

Yeah.

Well,

it used to be a tree,

but I carved so many notches

into it, it fell over.

So, I'll go over, and I'll carve

a notch into my log,

and then...

[ sighs ]

I don't know.

[ sniffling ]

I'll listen to music.

I like music.

I got all the latest hits.

I got seals & crofts.

Oh, yeah.

Lighthouse

and captain & tennille.

Leo sayer there,

I see, too.

Leo sayer, yeah.

Yeah.

I like him.

Yeah, yeah.

And --

good collection.

Oh, yeah,

I got one of these things --

these rubik's boxes

things.

Yeah,

rubik's cube, yeah.

Yeah, I've been

working on this a lot.

I'm pretty good at it.

You know, I can solve one

of these in just over a month.

Can you beat that?

I bet you I'm the fastest

on the face of this earth.

Uh, well, actually, gord,

there are some kids who can

do these in about 10 seconds.

Oh, uncle red, great.

I hope you're

in a good mood this week

'cause the letters are certainly

of a controversial nature.

And I certainly don't want you

to have like a heart attack

or a stroke

or a bowel disorder.

Oh, that's nice of you

to worry, harold.

But that just concerns me

and the people behind me.

Okay, all right.

No problem.

You're the boss,

so I'll just move right along.

Okay, letter number one.

"dear red, the possum king --"

that's yourself of course.

"I've been watching your show

for 10 weeks now

"and find it chauvinistic.

"not one of your guests

has been a woman.

Why are there no women

on your show?"

[ sighs ]

oh, harold,

we've been through this

a few times, haven't we?

We've invited --

what would you say? --

Dozens of women

on the show.

And, uh, all we're getting

so far is a "no, thank you."

and, well, I know a lot of women

are not all that interested

in outdoor-sportsman-like

activities.

But we're more than willing

to have them cleaning fish

or doing laundry

in the river,

and all we get is negative,

negative, negative.

So don't blame me.

It's not my fault.

I'm not chauvinistic.

We've done everything

in our power

to expand the show

to include women.

We did that feature

on shopping for shoes.

But nothing's working.

I mean, the women

just are not tuning in.

Well, perhaps,

maybe if we did something

that was more in sync

with women,

like something

with women's issues involved.

Perhaps

then they might tune in.

What do you think?

'cause that's what I think.

Well, what kind of issues,

harold?

Well, okay, for example,

uh, an issue might be

"equal pay for equal work."

there's an issue,

just say.

Well, yeah,

you can say that.

But when a woman

takes a man's job,

she does a better job

because she's trying to

prove a point or something.

So that's not equal work

at all.

Oh, okay. All right,

that's very true, too.

Okay, perhaps

this next letter

can shed some light

on this situation

because it, too,

is of the same nature

due to the preparation work

done by yours truly.

Wa-a-a!

"dear red green,

"what the hell

do women want anyway?

Signed, confused."

I think it's a man.

All right, well,

here again, uh,

you know,

you hate to generalize.

In fact,

I never generalize.

But, uh,

I think the problem

stems from women

being narrow-minded.

I don't think

women are narrow-minded.

I think

you're narrow-minded.

At least

that's what I've absorbed

from your dissertation

thusly far.

Harold, I don't think you

could call me "narrow-minded."

I mean, I pride myself

on being the exact opposite

of narrow-minded.

Fatheaded?

I could buy that.

I could live with that.

Red: In keeping

with safety week this week,

bill wanted to talk

about fire safety.

So he built a little fire there.

Just, you know,

pretend that's a campfire.

And he wanted to do this

kind of like one of those films

they show in the schools,

you know, to show the kids,

you know,

what not to do and so on

without being real dangerous.

So he wanted to pretend

I was asleep.

And he made that himself.

Nice job, bill.

Nice, nice.

He thinks those are s's.

And then he brought

a little fake fire --

god, that hurt.

Ohh!

Whew.

Well, he wasn't talking

about injury safety.

He was talking

about fire safety.

He was trying to

get that thing in there,

and finally he just asked me

to hold it between my legs,

which I wasn't

real excited about.

And then with -- oh, yeah, yeah.

This is the first thing

you can do to put out a fire.

Yikes!

Bill, bill. Bill. Bill.

Hyah!

A lot of pressure.

We get a lot of pressure here

up at the lodge.

So, if you don't have a hose --

what did he go now?

What was it? What was it?

Uh...

Oh, yeah. I remember now.

Yeah.

That was a bucket of water,

I hope.

And this is some of

our beach sand from possum lake.

Oh, oh, oh.

Bill, bill.

Hold it, bill.

Hold it.

Boy, that's tough

on the contact lenses,

let me tell you.

So, next -- oh!

Oh, yeah.

Fire ext-- oh, yeah.

These things --

I think that one had

an extra-heavy charge in it.

Kind of got away on him

a bit there.

Hang on, bill.

Hang on. Hang on.

Ohh!

Look out.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Uh, so, we wouldn't

recommend that one,

especially

when it's in bill's hand.

Now, here's another --

he's gonna put the fire --

jump on it with a blanket.

This is to smother the fire

and just pack it right down

and make sure no oxygen --

unfortunately,

the edge of the blanket

was getting into the real fire.

So bill went and took another

blanket to smother that blanket.

And I think this one had been

soaking in something or other.

Oops.

Yeah, that went up real good.

Yeah.

And then the next thing

you know,

bill had a bit of a surprise.

[ laughs ]

yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I got

the other fire extinguisher.

But you know what's funny?

You never think about reading

the instructions on these things

until you really

are pressed for time, you know?

Plus, I had the french side.

But, uh, we got her.

Yow!

[ coughing ]

well, you know...

Uh, I wanted to do anything

to put myself out for a friend

or put a friend out for himself

or whatever it was.

Uh, I did not read far enough

to see how you turn

the extinguisher off.

So I really had to use

the whole canister on bill.

That wouldn't do

any damage anyway.

Yow!

We're just kibitzing now,

you can see that.

But I was really just trying to

keep bill's mind off the injury.

Aah!

Didn't work.

"it is spring."

[ thunder crashes ]

"me and the boys

spend the entire weekend

"bending the elbow,

"trying to pull-start

the damn lawn mower.

Gord: Anyways,

glad you're here, you know?

'cause it gets pretty lonely,

especially at night.

You can't see anything.

You can't see anything?

No.

What about the moon

and the stars and everything?

[ sobbing ]

I hate them.

I hate them, you know?

They just sit there.

They don't talk.

They're not like having

a friend or anything.

They don't say anything.

No, I guess the moon

can't talk to you

like a friend could,

eh, gord?

No.

No.

They only speak german.

Oh.

I tried to learn

german once.

I sent away for these

"learn german" tapes,

and they sent these back.

What the heck are these?

They don't fit in my 8-track.

Uh, no.

No, I guess they wouldn't.

Well, uh, gord, I'm sorry.

I got to go.

But really good to see you.

You take care of yourself, eh?

No! Please, don't go!

Please!

You've got to see the sunset!

The sunset's great, okay?

The sun will go down, and then

if you yell and scream and beg,

eventually, a thousand hours

later, it'll come up again.

You got to see that.

Uh, well,

I'll tell you what,

next time we'll do that

for sure.

Okay.

I'm here Saturday.

Why don't you come by

Saturday, okay?

We'll have a barbecue

and barbecue up

some canned corn and beans,

and then we'll go look

for my rubik's box

or something, huh?

Well, all right,

we'll see.

Great.

I'll look forward to it.

All right.

See you then.

Okay, take care of yourself.

Bye-bye, gord.

See you Saturday.

2:15 sound okay?

Uh, well, we'll get back

to you on that, okay?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Look forward to it.

Yeah.

See you.

Oh, if you need some twigs,

help yourself, okay?

I've got plenty of twigs.

Yeah, all right.

Take as much

as you want!

All right.

Harold, has your dad

had a chance to talk to you

about, you know,

how your body's changing?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He says I'm a whole head taller

than he was at my age.

Well, I'm talking

about puberty, harold.

Oh. [ laughs ] yeah.

Yeah, we learned

all about that in school.

How do you mean?

Well, now that you're

going through puberty,

your body, well,

it can be a lot more fun.

You know, but there's

a responsibility

that goes with that,

yeah.

You know what

I'm talking about, harold?

No.

I'm talking about something

you can buy in the drugstore.

Oh, contraceptives!

[ laughs ]

yeah, we have one

of those machines

in the boys' washroom

at school.

But it's always broke.

It's fun to think about,

though. [ laughs ]

I'm talking

about deodorant, harold.

I'm talking about

putting stuff under your arms

so people's eyes don't water

when you walk into the room.

I thought you meant --

or into the forest.

You know what I thought

you meant --

yeah,

I know what you thought.

Contraceptives.

I thought --

harold, if you say that word

one more time,

we're not having any more of

these open, honest discussions.

Sorry.

We're gonna take

a little break,

and then we'll be right back

with more about safety week.

Do we need more

about safety week?

Well, you don't want to get

injured, do you, harold?

We're up here

at jimmy mcveigh's place.

And he's working

on this boat here.

He's a postal worker,

but this is his hobby.

He's just gone

to buy a propeller,

and I think he'll be --

I think I hear him

coming right now.

Jimmy? Jimmy?

My boat, my boat.

How did she go? Did you get

the propeller all right?

Did I get

the propeller?

I went down to the bloody marina

to get the propeller,

a thing I ordered

a week ago,

and they had to send

to hong bloody kong for it,

and it's still not in.

One week.

So what did I have to do?

I bought this instead.

What the hell's that?

That's a ceiling fan there, jim.

This is a propeller.

Oh, no.

This is a propeller.

No, that's a ceiling fan.

I know

it's a similar thing.

No, no, no, jimmy.

I don't think

that'll take the pressure --

you know, the stress.

It's spinning

at thousands of rpm.

I don't think that's --

that's not gonna work out,

is it?

Of course it'll work out.

I mean --

well, jimmy,

she's wood, you know?

All the better,

isn't it?

I mean, she's wood.

This is a boat.

I mean, if you put

a metal propeller on,

the bloody thing comes off,

she's gonna sink like a stone.

You put this on,

this falls off,

it's made out of wood,

she's gonna float.

I can pick up the bits

and fix it all over again.

Brilliant. Brilliant.

No trouble at all.

I was thinking

of patenting that, actually.

Well,

I wouldn't go that far.

Now, how are you gonna mount

this on here?

You gonna just bolt that

right onto the boat or --

geez, I never thought of that,

you know?

What I'm gonna

have to do is,

as I said before,

that's my forte.

Yes.

I improvise.

Oh.

And what I'll probably do here

is I'll look around,

see if I can get

a bit of metal, all right?

Yeah, mm-hmm,

yeah, yeah.

Hold on a wee minute.

Let's watch

the master builder

and how he crafts things

just using his imagination.

He's wandering around,

looking at stuff.

Let's see

what he's gonna do.

How is this here?

Well, this --

come on, you bugger!

Come on, now!

I figure I could get

a bit of a tripod support

out of this here --

look.

Uh, I don't think

that's gonna -- that, uh...

[ clears throat ]

what's that?

Well,

that's the cameraman.

That's his tv camera

there.

No, no, no, no -- that thing

underneath the camera.

That thing there.

Oh, that's the tripod.

That's a tripod.

Is that made

out of metal?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Um, uh, jim,

I don't, uh...

[ banging ]

jim.

Well, now,

this is an exciting day.

The first time

in 6 1/2 years

jimmy mcveigh's boat

has a propeller.

This is great.

Indeed. Indeed.

Will you hold onto that

a wee minute, red?

Will you?

Sure, no problem.

We're nearly there

now, boy.

Give us a hammer.

No, no. Jim, you broke

the hammer on the tripod.

Hammer.

Where's a hammer?

What's that?

Give me that.

That's...

So, anyway, by the time we got

everything into the lodge,

all the safety equipment,

we decided to have a fire drill.

See, 'cause what we'd done

is we got one of them

smoke detectors

that sounds like 55 seat-belt

buzzers all going off at once.

And we had put rope ladders

up against

everyone's bedroom window.

And we had some of them

safety lights,

non-explosive things,

and we got some automatic

sprinkler system.

And we hooked the whole works up

into a computer

that moose thompson had made

out of an old clothes-dryer

control panel.

So then what we done

is we all went to bed

and pretended we were asleep.

Not the same bed.

Uh, but, you know,

after a couple of minutes

of pretending to be asleep,

son of a gun, we were asleep.

And then, of course,

the computer catches on fire,

you know?

But luckily now, moose had put

the unit under the cupboard

where we keep all the cans

of insect repellent.

So as the fire got going,

of course, they get hot.

And they start going off

like hand grenades.

I mean, it was like

the vietnam war,

except it smelled better

and there were no mosquitoes.

Well, of course,

that woke us all up.

Everybody's running for safety,

you know?

Old man sedgwick broke his arm

on the rope ladder.

Moose thompson just conked

his head on a safety light.

And stinky almost drowned

from the sprinkler system.

And, of course,

I slept through the whole thing.

But the point is that

now we know the system works.

And, golly, we can all sleep

a little easier.

So, if my wife is watching,

uh, I'm coming right home

after the show,

and I'll walk the dog.

Uncle red?

[ laughs ]

you don't have a dog.

That's code, harold.

Oh.

So, anyway, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and my dog and everybody else

here at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.