Harold's Job/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, these days

everybody wants to save money.

Well here's a real simple way.

Get yourself one of

these wrecking balls

off of a demolition crane.

If you're wondering

how you're gonna do that,

here's a hint.

They don't work weekends.

All right, hang that

from your front fender,

and basically

you're done.

Oh, I know what

you're thinking.

Sure it looks sharp,

but how's that

gonna save me money?

Won't do much for

your gas mileage,

but it'll save you

25% on tires, guaranteed.

[ cheering and applause ]

thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

Oh, yeah,

thank you.

All right.

All right.

Oh, man.

I know -- I know

why you're so excited...

Because this is the very first

show of our new season here.

Harold's running

a bit late.

I think he went to

a birthday party

and probably got his teeth

caught in a piñata.

I'm here.

I'm here.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Sorry I'm late.

Sorry I'm late.

Look at you.

Look at you.

What kind of birthday

party was that, eh?

Did they have a rolex

in your loot bag, huh?

Birthday party?

I wasn't at a birthday party.

I was at a

job interview,

in the city!

You know, you don't

need a job in the city;

you've got a job right

here in the country.

Yeah, I know, but the

college wanted me to go

so they could keep their high

job placement record intact.

Those college people,

they have no idea what

they're talking about.

Yeah, I know.

You just stay

here, harold.

You just graduated.

You don't wanna work

in the city.

You'd have to

live in the city.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, the city!

With its hundreds

of movie theatres,

cabarets,

model train clubs.

What was I thinking?

You just stay

here, harold.

You just graduated

from college.

You've got your whole

life ahead of you,

right here

at possum lake.

Yeah, who knows?

Maybe I'll grow up

and be able to belch

like you guys.

That'd be good, eh?

No, don't, no.

No, I got it.

I've been practicing.

No. No. No.

No, harold, no.

[ coughing ]

it was close.

That was close, though.

Harold.

One day.

Harold.

You have friends

here you know.

I mean, you don't have

a girlfriend yet,

but maybe somebody

new will move in,

who doesn't know you,

and then you'll

have a shot, huh?

We have a great

life here, harold.

A great life.

We have a great

life here.

I'm in no hurry

to go anywhere.

Ah, you didn't

get the job, eh?

Not even close.

[ laughter and applause ]

now everybody knows the best

time to weed your lawn

is between 11:00 a.M.

And 3:00 p.M.,

in the heat of

the noonday sun,

when the weeds are feeling

healthy and full of life.

11:00 to 3:00 is

also prime nap time,

so that makes weeding

right out of the question.

But here's how

you can do both...

You take small jam jars,

and you fill 'em with about

half an inch of gasoline.

Then you place 'em on the lawn

in close proximity to the weeds.

And the heat of the noonday sun

will focus through the glass.

And just when that

weed's feeling perky,

[ explosion ]

it's bye-bye, weed.

[ shattering glass ]

I suggest maybe you wanna

take your nap indoors.

[ glass shattering ]

[ service bell ]

oh.

I'll get that

for you, sir.

All right.

Thanks a lot.

Appreciate it.

Thanks very much.

Fill 'er up, sir?

Uh, no,

you better not.

The gas tank leaks

when she's over halfway.

Five bucks'd

be perfect.

Sure.

Could you turn

off the van, sir?

Okay, but I hope you've

got jumper cables.

Uh, do you know you

have no gas cap on

your tank, here,

just a ball

of duct tape?

Yeah, just stuff that

back in the hole when

you're done there.

That works perfect.

Actually, I lost the regular

gas cap in a poker game.

Right.

Okay.

Is this graffitti

on your van here?

Did somebody vandalize

your vehicle?

Oh, you're talking

about the possum.

A possum did this?

No, no, no.

This is a possum van --

this is a possum van.

Oh, you transport

possums.

No, no, I painted the

van to look like a possum.

This is the official

possum lodge vehicle.

You're new

here, aren't you?

I just started.

I'm a student.

I pump gas and work

part time in the garage.

My name's dale.

I'm pleased

to meet you, dale.

I'm red green.

This here's

wilfred laurier.

Thanks, mr. Green.

All right.

No problem.

What do you know,

it started.

You know, mr. Green,

if you ever need anybody

to do work on your van,

I'd be happy to take

a look at it for you.

Well, thanks, dale,

but I pretty much do all the

mechanical work on this

baby all by myself.

It's time to play the

possum lodge word game!

[ applause ]

today, mr. Dalton humphrey

from humphrey's

everything store

is going to play for

the grand prize from

sam's shoe store.

A buy-one-shoe-get-

the-other-one-free coupon.

Okay, mr. Humphrey,

cover your ears now.

Mr. Humphrey has 30 seconds

to guess this word.

Yeah,

all right, mike.

Okay,

and go.

All right, dalton,

dinner by candlelight.

Power failure.

You get your wife

a bouquet of flowers.

Oh, apology!

You're feeling

kind of lovey-dovey,

you know, in the mood,

how do you act?

Whiney?

Almost out of

time, mr. Green.

Okay, forget

you and ann.

If your daughter eloped

with that boyfriend of her's,

what kind of a

moment would that be?

It would renew my

faith in the almighty.

That's right.

Because they'd be in love,

wouldn't they, dalton?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Her with the purple hair,

him with the hardware

coming out of his face;

oh, yeah. That

would be a real

romantic novel.

There we go.

There we go.

[ ringing bell ]

every man has a few

things in his life

that he knows he should do,

but he never

quite gets around to.

Now maybe for you,

it's paying your taxes

or visiting a relative

or getting those empty

beer bottles out of the sink.

For me, it's

cleaning out my car.

I try to do it

once every year.

It's been a

pretty good year.

All right.

Now this is a situation

that often faces

the handyman.

Do you just press on

with a hopeless cause,

or do you try to come

up with some creative way

to do the job better,

or do you just go for a nap?

Well, I'm gonna come up

with a better way to do this

'cause I can't be sleeping

on my television show.

That's your job.

All right, I'm thinking

what we gotta do is get

the roof off of there,

and I want to do it with

as little effort as possible.

I have a reputation

to consider.

Okay, now I need to add

a couple of steel channels

on the side.

Here again,

innovation is the key.

Don't know quite

what I'm looking for,

but I'm sure I'll

recognize it when I see it.

Life is a smorgasbord.

Now I know I'm not gonna

find exactly what I want,

so I'm gonna have to adapt.

I need a couple of channels,

you know, sort of

like eavestroughs.

Gotta be something here

that's sorta like an eavestrough

or something I could make into

something like an eavestrough.

Okay, it took a little

extra time and a little

extra imagination,

but we now have the perfect

way to clean out your car.

You don't have

to do any bending.

You don't need a vaccuum,

and it won't kill

a whole afternoon.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Oh, were you wondering how

the car cleaning thing works?

I'll give you three guesses.

I want to talk

to you older guys.

Maybe you're having a tough

time at work or worse still,

maybe you're having

a tough time at home.

I'm talking about

marriage problems.

Maybe you've been married

a long, long time,

even in dog years.

Things are getting a

little stale,and it's hard

to keep that marriage going.

Maybe you're tired of

the same old routine.

Maybe you're tired of making up

new excuses for your behaviour.

Maybe you're even thinking

about moving out and starting

over on your own.

Well, before you do that,

I'd like you to

try something for me.

Go into a private

room in your home.

Maybe the bathroom,

maybe the bedroom,

doesn't matter.

As long as there's a full-length

mirror and you can be alone.

Now lock the door,

take off all of your clothes.

All of them.

Now stand in front

of that mirror and

take a good hard look.

Don't look away.

Do not look away.

Look up.

Look down.

Look under if necessary.

Turn to the side.

Turn to the other side.

Turn right around and

look back over your shoulder

in that mirror.

Take your time.

There's probably lots to see.

Now ask yourself this question,

are you in dating shape?

Think about it.

Is there anything in

that mirror that you'd

like a stranger to see?

I didn't think so.

Now get back out there

and make that marriage work.

And put your clothes on

first and don't take them

off until it's real, real dark.

And remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Well, I tell you.

It sure is good to be back

on television again

because when the show's not on,

I try a lot of this

stuff at home,

and it puts a lot of strain

on the marriage, I tell you.

Oh, excuse me, red.

Oh, you remember

dalton humphrey.

[ applause ]

no, no, no.

No, well I went to a

lot of trouble to get these.

Cemetery gates were

locked when I got there.

Oh, man.

I just wanted to come by

and congratulate you.

You're getting your show

back on the air

and you know what I heard,

harold got a job in the city.

No, no, he didn't.

So I was --

I guess you're gonna want be

thinking about replacing him.

You know getting a kind

of a new co-host thing.

Not really, no.

What would that

job pay, roughly?

Roughly, zero.

That's pretty rough.

Yep.

Well, it's based on

performance, though.

I gotcha.

Forget it.

Mike hamar.

You know mike.

[ applause ]

mr. Green, I got

something for you.

I just wanted to thank you for

everything you done for me,

since I got out

of the slammer,

and if you ever need

any extra help around,

you know, on the show this year

now that harold's finally gone,

I'm here for you.

Thank you, mike.

Thank you.

I just brought you

a little gift.

What's that?

It looks like a car key.

Is that a car key?

Yeah, it's an extra

key for your van.

Or, actually, any van.

[ laughter and applause ]

well, red, thanks anyways for

helping me with transporting

the, uh, the -- the, uh,

rabid man-eating

bobcat?

No, red,

not man-eating.

He would never

eat you.

Well, I'll tell

you one thing.

We're lucky we got out

of the van when we did.

I told you we should've

used a cage.

Well, it's not

wide enough.

Red, your van is not

wide enough for

a bobcat cage.

What about your

tranquilizer gun?

I thought that dart would've

knocked him out by now.

Well, uh, it hasn't

kicked in yet.

You wait.

He'll calm

down, all right.

Well, a bit.

And then we can get

back in the van and

finish our trip.

[ animal roaring ]

oh! Oh!

Drive fast.

What?

If we get in the van

and drive fast,

and then he'll be stuck

to the back of the van.

Oh, no, no, no.

You're going to

stand right here.

Like that, all right.

Right?

I'm going to open

these doors, okay.

I'm going to run away.

And then when the

bobcat comes out to

rip your face off,

you nail him with

another dart out of

your tranquilizer gun.

Ready?

All right. Yeah.

We could do that,

but the gun is

empty, red.

Huh?

Well, I used the last

dart on that bobcat.

Oh, man.

Yeah, yeah, this is nothing

more than an airgun.

[ gunshot ]

o-o-oh. O-o-oh.

Oh, oh, great.

Okay, I guess there

was another dart.

I guess there was

another dart in there.

My mistake.

Half dosage.

Half dosage.

Yeah, I should've hit him

with two darts, and I --

I feel a little

tired here, red.

You all right?

I'm gonna take a nap,

just for a little while.

Umm, let me see,

I'm about 200 pounds

so this, uh,

I'll be waking up in

around three or four hours.

Oh, man.

Or, uh, you could

call for help.

Yeah, all right.

Hello, police?

We have a

situation here.

Uh, yeah, I'd like to

report a stolen vehicle.

Oh, red, red,

this is great.

You're just in time for

today's educational film.

I'll come back later.

No. No. No. No.

This is perfect.

It's a new

project of mine.

I make these

films myself.

Oh, boy, this isn't you

and small animals or

anything, is it?

No. No. No. No.

No, those aren't

for company.

No, this is a cartoon.

You know they have cartoons

for adults, you know.

Felix the cat, the jetsons,

that sort of thing.

So you made a cartoon

here have you?

Yeah.

I did all the voices, drew

all the pictures myself.

Wow.

But it's not just

a cartoon.

This -- this

film will teach people

all about different

things in the forest.

Oh, yeah.

This particular one

will teach everyone

about tree holes.

Tree holes?

Yeah.

Sounds riveting.

Yeah.

Here we go.

[♪♪]

well, folks, time to learn

about the dangers of tree holes.

What's a tree

hole, ranger gord?

Well, harold, that's

the common name for

a hole that is in a tree.

But, most people don't

realize that a tree hole

is actually a tree's mouth.

Wow.

I, uh, think you're

wrong about that, gord.

You don't usually make

a lot of sense, you know.

I think you're

way out there.

Ah-h-h!

Now, this particular kind of

tree is called a family tree.

It's called that because it can

eat a whole family of animals

without feeling full.

What kind of

family though, right?

You have to say what kind of

animal family the tree eats.

Don't interrupt me.

You always bring up points

that don't matter, harold.

Have some respect

for my presentation.

Oh, sorry, gord.

Sorry.

Please forgive me.

If it weren't for, you I'd be

wallowing in ignorance forever.

All of us would be.

Well, that's so true.

So listen up.

Remember, folks, that

it's never safe to put

anything in a tree's mouth.

Well, luckily this tree

is fast asleep,

or it would have

tasted little harold

as soon as I

shoved him in there,

and it would have bit him

right in half.

Ah, gord, what you're

saying is not very logical.

Maybe I can

help you out here.

Well, what did you see in the

tree's mouth, little harold?

Bees.

That's right.

This type of family tree

loves to eat bees.

Now, let's wake up

the tree and tease it.

That way we'll get an

idea of how the family

tree hunts for food.

Good morning!

Wake up!

Why have you disturbed me?

Bad move, tree.

They might have

been ignorant,

but they were

friends of mine.

Whoa,

what's happening?

And remember,

friends don't let

friends get eaten by trees,

without then snapping that

tree off and throwing

it into the sun.

[ applause ]

hey, how are ya?

Oh, right, uh, it's time

for mike's teen talk.

Uh, I've got an idea for

you teenage boys out there.

I think you should

pull your pants up higher.

Like, maybe, up to around,

say, your waistline, you know.

I mean, uh, don't think

I don't appreciate the

value of really baggy clothes.

Believe me, I know the

value of really baggy clothes,

especially when I'm shopping.

But you know, right now

your wallets are hanging down

around the backs of your knees.

Talk about easy

pickings, you know.

Not that you guys carry

too much cash in these things.

And how do you run with

the crotch of your pants

around your knees like that?

I mean, I'd be a dead man if

I couldn't run, you know?

And then there's

your appearance.

I know, all your funny hair and

the rings on your face and stuff

is your way

of standing out.

I know that.

But sometimes standing

out isn't such a good idea.

Like, say, in a police lineup.

Now my advice to you would be

to either move to new guinea,

or try to look like

everybody else right and --

and be just like

them too, only be sneakier.

Hey, you might

even get elected.

That's it.

Where the heck is harold?

I need to talk to him.

Uh, what is

it uncle red?

Away you go.

C'mon.

For pete's sake.

Harold, harold,

harold, come here.

Boy, they look sharp.

The college called.

The company changed

their mind.

They're offering

you the job.

You're kidding!

Oh, oh, that's so great.

That's great.

That's good.

That's good.

Oh, but I'd have to go,

and I couldn't leave you

to do the show alone.

Oh, no, no.

I know that.

I'm just telling you,

that's all.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna stay

here like you,

all your life, right

here at possum lake.

I don't need the hassles

of the big city.

You sure don't.

No, siree.

Harold, you know

what I'm thinking?

I've never had

a clue really.

Just think about

this, okay.

What say you take the job

with the company just for

a laugh to try it out.

Take the job?

Just for a laugh

to try it out.

Yeah, and I'll come down

and visit you at your job,

and we'll make that

a segment in the show.

Oh, I don't know.

You shooting

in the city?

From what I hear,

everybody's shooting

in the city.

And then, once in

a while, you come up

here to the lodge

and be on the

show here.

Okay -- okay let's try it.

Let's give it a shot.

All right good

for you.

I'll tell you

something, harold,

you're not such

a bad guy.

I'll tell you

something, uncle red,

you're not such a

bad guy either.

You know

something else?

You're pretty smart.

You're not such

a bad guy either.

[ applause and laughter ]

oh, meeting time.

I gotta go.

Yeah, all right,

harold.

Well, that's it

for our show,

but be sure to tune in

next time

when I'm going to

make a visit to the

city and visit harold

before he loses

that job of his.

And if my wife is

watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and it looks like

harold has finally

matured and grown up,

but I don't see

it happening to

me any time soon.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching, and

on behalf of myself

and, well, the whole gang

up here at possum lodge

keep your stick on the ice.

Closed captions performed

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all rise. All rise.

Quando omni

flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

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