The Group Photo Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

on today's show,

bill and I are gonna do

a tribute to benjamin franklin,

I'm gonna show you

some exercises

and appliances you can wear

to look thinner,

dougie's gonna do something

weird with his face,

and then harold and I

are gonna do a little bit

of stream fishing.

And now here's the reason

we're all here

and you're all there

and everyone else

is everywhere else --

my uncle, red green!

Hi.

Thank you very much.

This week, I got some good news,

I got some bad news.

What's the bad news?

Meet my nephew, harold.

[ keyboard clacking ]

[ engine chugging ]

and now the good news.

This week marks

the 130th anniversary

of the creation

of the spincast fishing reel.

Wow!

And when you stop

to think about it,

every over-fished lake,

river, and stream

owes its present state

to this marvelous invention.

Wa-a-a!

So, the question is,

how are we gonna celebrate

this momentous occasion?

Now, moose thompson

had an idea.

He said, "why don't we put

all the guys' names into a hat

"and you pull a name out

and whoever's name you get,

you go give him a wedgie?"

great idea. Not a lot to do with

the spincasting, but I like it.

Uncle red, how about an evening

of entertainment, then,

with the local

theater company --

the possum players?

No, harold. No, harold.

Not a good idea to get actors

and hunters together...

Especially those actors.

And these hunters.

Instead, we're all gonna meet

in the center of town,

we're gonna hold up

a spincast fishing rod,

buzz is gonna fly over

in his plane

and take

an aerial photograph.

Well, what if

somebody blinks?

Well, we'll retouch

the photograph, harold.

We got to airbrush most

of your teeth out anyway.

[ engine chugging ]

if you can't be

with the plane you love,

love the plane you're with.

[ zither and guitar play ]

♪ oh, we had an earthquake

late last night ♪

♪ it shook the lodge,

and gave us all a fright ♪

♪ night ♪

♪ a fright ♪

♪ hit about 9

on the richter scale ♪

♪ the scale ♪

♪ bounced all the contents

out of the minnow pail ♪

♪ pail ♪

♪ so, we went outside

till the danger passed ♪

♪ 'cause if the lodge goes down,

it'll go down fast ♪

♪ zippity ♪

♪ but it wasn't an earthquake

shakin' the ground ♪

♪ ground ♪

♪ it was a kid in a chevette

with the bass turned up ♪

way beyond

any sensible level.

[ creak! Splash! ]

all right.

Here's the situation.

You've just taken your wife

out for dinner

at one of those lovely

"all-you-can-eat" places.

Which, of course,

is a direct challenge

no real man could refuse.

Absolutely.

You got yourself up.

You're on your way up there

for your ninth plate of beef

without having

a leaf of salad yet.

Your wife turns to you

and says, "hey!

Are you having more meat?!"

what do you say?

You say to her, "honey,

I like the rare part.

"nobody else

is ordering beef,

"so it has fallen on me

"to single-handedly

eat my way right through

into the middle

of that roast."

or you could try,

"people are starving in africa."

that one worked

for my parents.

Oh, that's --

that's going for the jugular.

That's a good one.

Or you could say, uh,

"I'm not just eating meat.

I'm also

having vegetables."

I mean, horseradish

is a vegetable, right, red?

Sure is.

So is gravy, I believe.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

And don't forget salt.

Salt.

You know...

That's right there on

the vegetable list in my book.

Salt, yep.

Or, you know,

worst-case scenario,

if she's still

on your case,

look at her

and give her this face...

And then say,

"it's okay, honey.

I'm not having

any dessert."

[ bounce! Bounce! ]

"for sale -- antique hope chest.

"hope you like it.

Hope it's valuable.

Hope to get $500."

wa-a-a!

Not a hope.

[ ducks quacking ]

now, with everybody

getting ready

for this, uh, aerial photo

for the, uh, commemorating

the invention

of the spincast reel there,

the beauty parlors and

barber shops around possum lodge

are jammed to the eyeballs.

So, I thought I'd take

today's "handyman corner"

and show you how to do

a complete beauty makeover

using stuff you find

right around your house.

All right, uh, let's start

with something for the ladies,

uh, like doing your nails,

for example.

Get yourself a pizza box

like this

and, uh,

trace your hand on there.

And then punch out all

of the fingernail tips there,

and then all you have to do --

this is

a real great time saver --

is you just, uh,

put your hand inside the box,

take some spray paint there,

and just, uh, put that all

on there.

And it doesn't matter how --

you know, how you do it.

[ chuckles ]

I hope the other lodge members

still respect me

with, you know,

painted fingernails.

All right.

Oh, uh, well, you have to

have the back of your hand

against the holes.

This actually looks like I've

been arrested and fingerprinted.

Guys will respect me now

for sure.

But, you know, for you ladies,

there's all kinds of tools

right in the workshop

you can use

for beauty treatments.

Uh, you could, uh,

tweeze your own eyebrows...

[ saw buzzes ]

...Shave your legs...

Lay the makeup in there.

Want pierced ears?

Try a pop riveter.

If you're having trouble

fitting into that dress

that you bought last fall,

you don't need a girdle.

Get yourself

one of these tube socks

and cut the toe out of that,

and just slip that baby

on there.

You'll get a shape that'll get

all kinds of attention.

[ creak! ]

it's coming.

Almost got it.

[ boing! Boing!

Boing! Boing! Boing! ]

come on.

[ boing! Creak! ]

there we go.

And I'll tell you --

you're not just looking good,

you're losing weight,

'cause there's no way

you can eat food

when you're wearing this type

of a unit.

And another thing is,

you want to make sure

your digestive system

is tight as a drum.

All right,

now what about the men?

What can they do to get

themselves kind of gussied up

for a fancy occasion?

Well, basically,

they shave and get a haircut.

I don't even do that.

I don't shave, myself.

But when I have to go somewhere

and look real good,

like, uh, at funeral

of somebody with money,

what I'll do is, uh, cover up

my beard with these, uh...

Flesh-colored bandages.

And I just camouflage the beard.

Man, I look like jay leno.

As far as the haircut goes,

you know, the reason

that a barber can charge you

up to 7 bucks to cut your hair

is 'cause he's learned

how to cut every hair

exactly the same length.

But there's a cheap way

that you can do that at home,

even if your head

isn't bowl-shaped.

Okay, first thing you need

is an old lamp.

Take the cord off of it.

[ electricity crackles ]

and then, uh,

get rid of the lamp

so your wife doesn't ask

any stupid questions.

And then you want to take one

of them light dimmers

and hook that into the middle

of the cord,

and hook that all up,

and I'll show you how that --

[ electricity crackling ]

... Works.

All right,

once you got that hooked up,

plug her in and then attach

the bare ends of the wires

to your earlobes.

Now, when I, uh,

turn on the dimmer here,

the electricity flows

into the head of the victim --

uh, I should say,

"the customer" --

making his hair stand

right up on end,

making it real easy to cut.

You're gonna end up with a fella

who's not only handsome,

but handy.

Watch this.

[ crackle! Whoosh! ]

not quite what I had in mind,

but he's not gonna need

a haircut for a while.

Stay tuned.

Coming up, bill has another

negative experience

with gravity.

And then buzz shows harold

what it's like at boot camp.

I want to talk

to all you middle-aged guys

about how you feel tired

all the time.

I know

what you're going through.

Many's the time I sit

in the living room there,

listening to my wife talk,

and all of a sudden,

my leg will fall asleep.

Or I'll be going

up a flight of stairs

and have to pull over into the

slow lane to let the dog go by.

And he's 17...

Which in dog years is...

Old man sedgwick.

Just seems that,

as the years pile up,

the energy level goes down.

Now, your doctor's gonna tell

you it's the hours you keep

or the food you eat

or how much of it

or not getting enough exercise,

plus the fact

that you've put on 75 pounds

since the last time

you did anything.

But I say it's all in your mind.

See, your mind has just

sat there quietly for 40 years,

watching your body do stuff

like, uh, flip over

the handlebars of your bike

or take the fast way down

from the roof...

Or go...

[ pencil snaps ]

...From picking up

too much wallboard.

And your mind is tired

of taking in all that pain.

So, one day,

when your brain is asleep,

like when you're watching reruns

of "matlock" or something,

your mind quietly

tells your muscles

to go to sleep

or cramp up or something.

And that exhaustion

is just self-preservation.

It's that simple.

You should be happy

that your body is too tired

to do the things

that you want to do,

'cause that tiredness

is saving your life.

Remember -- I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Well, this group photograph

we're planning to take

is turning into a portrait

of disaster.

Sometimes, I think

the residents around here

are one chromosome away

from dragging their knuckles

on the ground.

How difficult can it be

to tell them to show up on time

and just stand in the middle

of the street?

Exactly.

All they got to do is stand

there and stare at the sky.

They do it for an eclipse.

And some of the guys are saying,

"bring the plane in low

so you can't see

my bald spot."

and others want us

to delay it for a month

so they can go on a diet,

for gosh sakes.

Plane's gonna be 1,000 feet up.

No one's even gonna notice.

What a bunch of vain idiots.

Wa-a-a!

Says the guy who spent 10 bucks

on acne cream.

I had a flare-up!

Flare-up.

So, I just told the fat ones

to stand under

the grocery-store awning.

Grocery store's got

a new awning?

Well, yeah, see,

the merchants realized

their shops are gonna be

in the picture,

so now they're

fixing their stores up.

Oh, great.

Well, it was until they saw

the advertising potential.

Now the funeral parlor put

a great big sign on the roof --

"coffins --

priced to move."

oh, boy.

The worst was

murray's leisure wear.

10-foot letters --

"men's and ladies' pants,

half off."

[ engine sputters ]

well, what with picture day

coming up,

I thought we'd drop in

and see our resident

bush pilot/aerial photographer,

buzz sherwood.

Hey, buzz.

Yo, red-man,

how are you?!

Good, good, good.

Good to see you.

Hey, haro-o-o-ld!

[ harold grunts ]

[ laughs ]

oh, for crying out loud, harold,

how much can that hurt?

Gotcha.

[ laughs ]

I was asking harold.

So, buzz, uh, you all set

for the picture-taking thing?

Oh, sure. Sure.

Soon as we pass our safety

inspection, we're in business.

What safety inspection?

Oh, man,

the rule makers.

The whole corrupt system,

man --

they just want to tie my feet

to the ground, you know?

They pull these random checks,

right?

So that guys like me make sure

our planes are safe.

"safe"?!

I mean, what is safe?!

It's like,

are we supposed to predict

what's gonna fall off...

Or not?

[ splash! ]

see?! Sheesh!

Well, if they find something

wr-- what am I saying?

When they find something wrong

with the plane,

what happens then?

[ gasps ]

oh, man.

The flight fuzz come down

on you so hard, man.

Well, then

who are we gonna get

to fly over possum lake

and take our picture?

Oh, oh, don't -- don't --

don't panic. Don't panic.

Hey, your buddy buzz

has everything under control,

'cause I've been working

on beauty here.

She's gonna pass,

no problem.

I even caulked up

all them bullet holes.

Well, you missed a whole bunch

right there in the tail section.

Oh, those are --

that's okay.

Those are --

those are going-in holes.

I can say that was, like,

a hunting accident or something.

It's the exit holes

that make them nervous.

And, uh -- and look.

Look what I found.

Look what I found, huh?

Two more bolts

to hold the propeller on.

Now I got four

out of five there.

And -- and these things.

Did you know

these were called flaps?

And...And you're

supposed to oil them?

I mean, I've just

learned so much.

And -- like

the control panel.

I put a battery

behind it, right?

And now it looks

like it really works

with lights and everything.

It's just amazing.

So, you think beauty's

gonna pass this thing?

Oh, no problem.

I pumped out the pontoons

and duct-taped the holes.

It's gonna be great.

And that'll

fool the inspectors?

No sweat.

What if they ask you

to fly her?

Oh, well, they never do.

'cause that would mean

they'd have to get in it

and go up with me.

[ laughs ]

[ whoosh! ]

uncle red?

Uncle red,

what's this deficiency in adults

that makes them

want to drink alcohol?

Well, there's no deficiency,

harold.

It's a tradition,

a ritual.

Alcohol is a sign of friendship,

you know, like...

Baptism or installing a new pope

or a playoff game.

Wa-a-a!

Well, personally,

you know,

I-I-I just don't think

it's necessary.

For instance, like,

how come they need, like,

alcohol at, like, a wedding?

How come?

Well, harold,

without alcohol,

a lot of weddings

would never happen.

You know, it's --

it's up to each person

to know his own limit,

you know?

It's -- it's an individual

who makes the decision.

That's all.

Well, I think a lot

of the lodge members

are making bad decisions --

every weekend.

Well, harold,

either they've got a disease

that needs

to be looked after

or maybe they're trying to

escape an unpleasant situation.

Wa-a-a!

I never thought of the lodge

as an unpleasant situation.

Only when you're here,

harold.

Wa-a-a!

Well, don't you worry.

I'm going back home

in a few months.

Want to give us a push there,

harold?

The beer store closes

in an hour.

Time for "adventures with bill."

I've been reading the mail,

so I was out flying a kite,

of course.

And, uh, bill decided to join

me. Isn't that beautiful?

Just such a simple thing

up there, flying away.

It's kind of magical.

And bill's gonna whip out...

Oh, a kite kit.

Yeah, these are great.

Looks like he got

the childproof-lock bag,

which is sensible.

You don't want a kid, you know,

opening up one of those

and playing with a kite.

Luckily, bill has a vasectomy

kit in his other pocket.

[ boing! ]

oh, well, thank you, bill.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, "uh-oh" is right.

Now what?

You got another one of those

kits in your, uh, kit there?

Oh, that's fair enough.

Gonna give me his.

Oh, no, he has got another one.

All right, all right, all right.

Fair enough, fair enough.

So, now, with these, you know,

you got a little bit

of assembly required.

And, of course, we can

put these together

faster than most women

can read the instructions.

Bill's is kind of -- kind of

a wild-looking thing, isn't it?

Mine is norm--

what? Uh, bill?

Aha!

Get up.

Now, that's odd.

The wild --

the wild-looking thing is...

Whoa!

Unbelievable.

But, you know, to me,

the thing about wild kites is

they shouldn't really

be in captivity.

There you go.

Be free. Go, be free.

Ohh!

Fair's fair, bill.

So, we decided

to combine our efforts

and make a super-duper,

triple-triple-decker, 3-story --

yep, it's a beauty,

it's a beauty,

it's a beauty, it's a beauty.

All right, bill, throw her up,

throw her up, throw her up.

Let her go, let her go. Oh.

[ honk! ]

oh. Oh, boy.

Throw her up, throw her up.

Let her go. Let her go.

Oh. Oh.

Gosh, that...

All right, bill, bill, I'll

take care of that one, okay?

Oh, here --

now here's a kite kit.

Look at -- look at all this.

Look at this, look at this,

look at this, look at this.

Huh? What?

Little bit

of over-packaging there.

Oh, I see.

The kit is actually the box

that it comes in.

Well, now, that's smart.

All right.

Boy, this is a beauty.

This is a beauty.

This thing's --

this thing is really gonna fly.

It's gonna fly.

It's gonna...

That's -- think that string's

heavy enough?

All right, all right, all right.

Okay, bill.

Throw her up. Throw her up.

There she goes.

Oh, man, look at her go.

Look at her go.

Wow.

Look out, bill.

It's coming back. Bill -- oh.

Oh. Fair enough.

He's fine.

Oh, oh, oh. Up she goes.

Big wind. Big wind.

There she goes.

Lot of lift in her.

That's a 100-foot pine,

and that's a 97-foot pine,

and that's a 107-foot bill.

And now it's a -- oh,

a 100-foot bill, 90, 80, 70, 60.

Okay, that's a sea-level bill

there.

Is he all right?

Oh!

Checking over the kite.

Oh, there he goes.

He's okay.

We'll check his tail later.

[ groans ]

coming up,

we got winston rothschild,

the ultimate hoser,

and harold's gonna show you

how he colored this place mat

from the possum lodge diner.

It looked like that big

group-aerial-photo thing

was gonna be canceled.

We got the date all --

and the time

all nailed down

and everything,

but we got families feuding

with other families,

and they refuse to pose

in the same picture.

I got that covered, uncle red.

I have got that covered.

I have color-coded

the downtown area.

And look at this --

I put the potsons right here

because they don't want to

be near the richardsons,

who I placed strategically

over here, you see?

Now, they're in front

of the sims up here.

'cause you know why?

They hate the tylers.

Right there --

that's the tylers.

But that's okay.

That's gonna be okay

'cause what I've done

is I put us,

the green family,

right in the center of town,

right there at the crosswalk.

Wa-a-a!

And -- and the fredericks --

you know what I've done

with the fredericks?

Put them right there

as a defense.

Ask me why.

Don't, 'cause I'll tell you.

Because what I've done is

I'm protecting the sims

from the tylers, 'cause

if they try to sneak up here

and, you, know

on the flank of the sims --

can't happen 'cause of those

fredericks defense people.

What about the richardsons,

you ask?

I tell you --

they're right here,

and if they try the old

quarterback-sneak play,

what we do is

we reverse our offense

and we meet down here

at the mailbox

right downtown,

right there.

Wa-a-a!

You can just feel the love

in the community, can't you?

[ splat! ]

a lot of people

around possum lake think

this group-photo thing is

a total waste of time and money.

So, I thought we'd talk

to winston rothschild here

to get some of the

entrepreneurial angles

on the project.

Well, you know,

I've got a suggestion,

just off the top

of my hat, eh?

Why don't you take the photo,

laminate it...

And make place mats

out of it?

You know,

like for tables.

Well, I don't know,

winston.

I think an aerial shot

of possum lake's

gonna make it hard

on digestion.

Yeah.

And they'd be tough

to clean.

How do you tell the lake

from the stain?

Well, you know what

my, uh, business guru

and success mentor,

anthony anthony, says, eh?

"you got to seize

every opportunity,

you know,

and increase business."

well, all right, fine.

Well, tell everybody

how you're gonna use

the town-photo opportunity

to increase your business then.

Well, uh, like a lot of folks

owes me money, right?

Yep.

Dan gerlombi

owes me 50 bucks

for a job I done for him

last spring,

and, uh, well,

the keelys still haven't paid up

from last month.

Oh, fine.

Oh,

and there's this big job

for the saint germains

that I done.

I rescued a real expensive piece

of jewelry for them.

I mean, how hung over

do you have to be

to ralph your necklace

right off?

Well, I still

don't understand

how you're gonna get the people

to pay up, winston.

Oh, it's simple.

Uh-huh.

Like, I'm gonna go

to the photo...

Yeah.

...Dressed up

in my work clothes, right?

And when I see somebody

who owes me money,

I'm just gonna go over there

and stand next to them.

[ chuckles ]

exactly.

Yeah. Oh.

And when they pay up,

I'm gonna go over

to my next outstanding account,

eh?

You wouldn't believe

how fast

these folks are gonna

cough up the cash.

Yeah, I'm guessing

you'll get paid in full, huh?

Oh, I might even do better

than that, eh?

People don't count money

too good

when their eyes

are watering, eh?

[ buzz! Buzz! ]

and welcome to "the expert"

portion of the show,

where claiming to be an expert

this week with my uncle, red,

is mr. Dalton humphrey.

Okay,

here's the letter,

and it's from a viewer

in furrow, nova scotia.

Wa-a-a! All right.

Uh, "dear experts,

how can I make sure

that I have enough money

set aside for retirement?"

well, I'll tell you

what I'm doing.

Uh, I'm gonna retire at 65,

so I'm just putting enough money

away to last me,

and I'm -- I'm gonna be fine

as long as I die at 67.

Well, maybe just

never retire.

Yeah, because what you do

is you pick a job

where there's

no mandatory retirement age,

you know, like, say,

um, a politician.

Yeah.

Or a car thief.

Got to -- got to --

got to save for a rainy day.

Yeah, sure.

Maybe that's a better route.

Yeah, okay.

No, you got to save.

Make a sacrifice, you know?

'cause people

want everything.

They want food,

and they want shelter,

and they want clothing.

You know, the thing

you have to remember --

what my old man said.

He said, "you know,

you got to take your income,

"set some aside.

"some you live on.

Then you save

a certain percentage."

I keep it to around 10%.

Well, not everybody

can save 10%, dalton.

No, to live on.

You save 90%

of your income?!

Well, sure.

You know, you have to give up

a few luxuries,

like toothpaste or socks

or stuff like that.

And my daughter, uh,

spends a bit.

$400 for a blouse.

Hmm.

Huh!

$400 for a blouse

for my daughter.

You have a daughter?

I don't even have $400.

[ creak! ]

well, we all showed up

for the aerial photo

just as planned, but...

It didn't go quite as well

as we'd hoped that it would.

Well, you couldn't have asked

for a better day. Wa-a-a!

Could have pushed

for a better pilot, I think.

Buzz's plane

is not really equipped

to fly with all that

aerial-photograph equipment.

Buzz's plane really isn't

equipped to fly, period.

That's very true.

So, he borrowed a plane

from, uh, ranger gord --

one of them

water dive bombers.

So, we're all

standing there,

squinting up at the sun,

smiling.

Buzz comes over,

pulls the wrong lever,

soaks us with 1,200 gallons

of water.

You know, I really didn't mind

getting wet so much.

It was just that red chemical

they added to the water --

it really itches.

It's fire retardant.

Well, we don't

have to worry

about spontaneous

human combustion, anyway.

That was the bad news.

The worse news is buzz

had his finger over the lens.

Complete waste of time.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Did you not see the photo?

Oh, it's cool. It looks great.

There's like 1,000 angry,

screaming people,

you know, all covered in red

liquid, running helter-skelter.

Wa-a-a! Big pink finger,

right in the middle.

That does kind of capture

the spirit of possum lodge.

You know, I figured

what we could do

is sell the picture to one

of those tabloid newspapers.

"giant digit attacks townsfolk,

bleeds on petrified populace."

wa-a-a! Wa-a-a!

They pay big bucks

for pictures like that,

you know, of strange mutants

and aliens and elvis.

Well, I guess your family album

must be worth a fortune, huh?

Oh, no, uncle red. I don't

have that many pictures of you.

[ screeching ]

meeting time.

Wa-a-a!

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I'm bringing you

a little anniversary gift.

I got you that, uh,

spincast fishing reel

I've had my eye on

for a month or so.

I know how much

you like nice things,

and this one's a real beauty.

I'll tell you what --

you wouldn't be embarrassed

to lend this to anyone.

And to the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching.

And on behalf of myself

and captain harold liner,

until next time, keep watching,

and keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Red: If you'd like to become

a member of possum lodge

and you got 3 bucks to blow,

you can either mail it to

the address here on the screen

or dial 1-800-ypossum.