The Real Estate Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

We're very careful

about making any changes

that are ultimately

not in our best interest.

It's not smart or correct,

but it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

in today's show,

bill is gonna humiliate

everybody from scotland.

I, on the other hand,

am gonna take some old junk and

make a heart-lung machine...

Glen braxton is gonna use me

as a tractor...

And harold and I are gonna

try and have some quiet time,

but he keeps talking.

And now here he is,

the hot pizza pie of television,

the man who delivers

in 30 minutes and it's free,

my uncle, red green!

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

And here's the reason

it's free --

the guy they call

"hold the anchovies,"

my nephew, harold.

And now here's something

that isn't free.

The vacant lot next door is

up for sale again, $30,000.

Of course,

the yammering all starts up

about whether or not

we should buy it.

Oh, why do we want

to buy that eyesore?

It's just a bunch of junky cars,

old fridges,

bald tires,

empty barrels.

Wa-a-a!

[ as bette davis ]

what a dump.

No, that's a recycling center

there, harold.

We need to get access

to all those old

refrigerator compressors

and rusted-out drivetrains to

work on our special projects.

[ normal voice ] well,

what gives you the right

to, you know, trespass

on someone else's property

and steal all

their abandoned junk?

We're the ones who

abandoned it there, harold.

That's kind of like

our storage locker.

If we don't have

the stuff there,

it's gonna be

in your bedroom.

I think buying the lot's

a great idea.

Yeah.

But where are you

gonna get $30,000?

I'm not worried

about the $30,000, harold.

It's the $2,000 down.

Ugh.

It is physically impossible

to drink a five-gallon pail full

of water while lying down.

♪ oh, me and the wife ♪

♪ we're getting a divorce ♪

♪ it wasn't adultery

that set us off course ♪

♪ but keeping it together

was too much of a strain ♪

♪ when we tried to put up

a new tent in the rain ♪

♪ so she finally run off

with a cooler ♪

♪ and I yelled and I cried ♪

♪ for the rest

of our possessions ♪

♪ we'll just have to let

the courts decide ♪

♪ we'll have no problem

reaching a settlement ♪

♪ and we're sure

not gonna fight ♪

♪ over who gets

to keep the tent ♪

okay, it's Thursday night,

and that means meat loaf

and mashed potatoes.

You go through the back door,

and your nose goes on red alert.

Two words flash

through your mind.

"new recipe."

and when you see it

lying there on your plate,

you just know

you're not gonna like it.

Too many vegetables,

too much rice,

and a quick visual scan

reveals very little evidence

of a "meat-like product."

so, what do you do?

She's gonna tell you

that's healthy eating,

and then she's gonna ask

the big one --

"do you like it?"

now, chances are,

rice is a key ingredient

in this new recipe.

Now, this is

to your advantage.

Tell her

about your dark past.

Tell her that eating rice

brings back bad memories

of vietnam,

post-traumatic shock!

Or do what I do --

get up from the table and bolt

into the bathroom,

stay there for two hours,

tell your wife

you're not feeling good,

and go straight to bed.

Yeah, it's early.

Yes, you're hungry.

But you won't have

to eat anything foreign.

Then next Thursday,

make sure you get home early.

Make sure

you're in the kitchen.

You make the meat loaf

and mashed potatoes.

And with any luck,

it'll be a disaster

of such biblical proportions,

she'll spend two hours in

the bathroom not feeling well

and going to bed early.

And then next Thursday,

she'll go back to making

meat loaf and mashed potatoes

the same old way

just to show you up.

[ ducks quacking ]

you know, with this lot

being up for sale next door,

I thought I'd use

"handyman corner"

to prove a point about the value

of having an available part

supply for our various projects.

For example,

this might just look like

a pile of useless crap

to, say, your girlfriend

or your wife or your mother.

But the rest of us know

that this is a tremendous source

of raw material

for anything we wanted to make.

There might be a car in here

that's never been built before

or maybe some kind of

a customized hovercraft or...

Hey, let's build

something useful.

How about a heart-lung machine?

Huh?

The perfect father's day gift

that keeps on giving.

All right, now, what

you're gonna need for that --

you got to go through the pile

and pick out anything

that you could use

to suck, pump, compress,

or blow.

All right, the first thing

you want to do

is lie your patient down

inside the freezer,

get his pulse down

to around zero,

but not too close so there's no

point in going any farther.

All right, now, you want to take

one of these

windshield-washer units,

which becomes the input to take

the blood out of the victim --

out of the patient -- sorry.

What you want to do is

you want to hook this end

to whichever one of his orifices

gives you the snuggest fit.

And then out of

the windshield-washer pump,

you go into your carburetor,

all right?

And this is where the blood

gets mixed with oxygen.

Now, if it's a fat guy,

you might want to go

with a four-barrel,

maybe put a supercharger

on there.

Another great thing

about the carburetor unit is

it's an ideal place

where you can add medicine

directly into the bloodstream,

be it cortisone

or maybe a medicinal alcohol

like vermouth.

And then out of the carburetor,

you want to go directly

into your water pump.

And then out of the water pump,

you blast the blood back out

of one of these rat hoses,

back into the patient.

It might be hard

finding an orifice that size,

especially if he's cold.

Anyway, get all that stuff

in there.

That takes care of that.

Now you want to deal

with the lung part

of the heart-lung machine.

Okay, for that, you want to take

a funnel like this,

duct-tape that right

all over the patient's face,

maybe put some putty in there

and make it a real good seal.

And then you hook the other end

of the garden hose

up to one of the taps

on the sink.

And then that runs

into the nozzle.

And now you replace

the nozzle with --

well, let's call it a balloon.

That's hooked up

to another hose,

which runs down

into a compressor.

We haven't hooked that up yet.

And what happens is, when the

compressor starts up, you see,

it lets air into the balloon.

[ air hissing ]

and then that releases

back into your patient.

Yeah.

So, I'll put that all in there.

Take the hose out.

Hook her up into our compressor.

And as you can see,

the whole unit is all driven

by a gas lawnmower.

So you don't have to worry

about electricity cutting out

in the middle

of open-heart surgery,

which I would call a setback.

Okay, so -- and another thing,

you might want to do all

your operations outside.

'cause, I'll tell you,

the gas fumes in one of them

small operating theaters...

So, there.

You're all set to go.

All you got to do now is wait

for the surgeon to say,

"okay, we're ready for the

life-support thing to start."

but before I do that,

I just want to remind you,

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

All right, getting the word now.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

Begin life support!

There we -- no.

[ engine sputters ]

ah, the choke.

Yeah.

[ engine sputters ]

[ groans ]

hang on. Hang on.

Maybe it's just out of gas.

Oh. Nope?

Stay tuned as the possum lodge

highland games

come flashing across the screen

and harold fishes for the

meaning of life with no bait.

I wanted to talk to you

young folks there

in the generation "x" or "y"

or whatever it is.

Anyway, I hear a lot of whining

about the fact that

you're not baby boomers

and maybe you missed out

on the '60s.

But I think you should hear

the real story

from someone who was there.

The '60s was not all peace

and love and understanding,

believe me.

Yeah, there were some kids

who practiced free love,

and they went

to the free clinic.

And some of them

tried new stuff,

then they had

their stomachs pumped.

And it's true

the '60s did inspire

some real great protest songs.

But we also had

the partridge family

and the 1910 fruitgum company.

And the women's movement

for the first time

started to get a fair shake

on that.

But they also got

their own cigarette, baby.

And, yeah, I know, we had

a quarter of a million people

show up at woodstock.

But a lot more than that

went overseas to fight.

So the next time somebody tries

to put down your generation

and makes you feel bad

about missing out on the '60s,

just hum back a few bars of

"yummy, yummy, yummy,

I got love in my tummy."

well, the deed is done.

The vacant lot next door

is sold.

Good for you!

Congratulations!

We didn't buy it, harold.

I know.

Good for you!

Congratulations!

Not everybody feels that way.

Moose thompson

and stinky peterson

are screaming at me

for not buying the lot

when we had the chance.

I told them we didn't buy it

'cause nobody else wanted it.

Men only buy things

that other men want.

This is so exciting.

We're gonna have new neighbors!

Are there

any other teenagers?

You know,

are there any --

are there any non-males,

you know?

You know,

like, uh...Babes?

No idea, harold.

The guy

at the land deed office

said it was bought

was a numbered company.

That scares me a little,

'cause when a numbered company

buys a property,

it usually means

it's land developers...

Or baptists.

You know

what we should do?

We should act like

the welcome wagon.

We'll take them

over a gift,

and we'll welcome them

to possum lake.

Yeah, all right.

There's a bean casserole

down in the boathouse fridge.

That would be perfect.

That's not a bean casserole.

That's a pail of fish bait.

Well, if they're real fishermen,

they'll know that.

And if they're not,

they shouldn't be here.

What you are watching

could have value some day.

It could be a while.

[ engine sputters,

ekg beeping ]

we're losing him!

Well,

as most of you know,

we're at braxton's marina

with the owner, glen braxton.

He's got this week's

boating tip for us.

I'll tell you what, folks.

You got to take care

of your health.

You know, once that ship sails,

she doesn't come back.

[ chuckles ] I found that out

after two heart attacks.

Is that your

boating tip, glen?

No. No, that's a little

life lesson, red.

All right.

Yeah, today's boating tip

will be how to properly move

a boat on a trailer.

That's what

we're gonna be doing.

So, red, maybe you

could swing your leg

over the tongue there.

Well, don't you have a machine

to do this?

Don't you have, like, a truck

or a tractor?

Or what about your car?

Nope.

All got repo'd.

Oh.

Yeah. Everything.

You know that new guy

that lives next door to you?

Yeah.

He's got a lot

of nice stuff.

Really?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's got a backhoe,

a bobcat,

a brush hog,

front-end loader.

He's got it all.

Wow.

You should make friends

with that guy.

Yeah, I might.

Well, there's another

little life lesson, red --

make friends with people

that can do something for you.

There you go.

Okay, red, old buddy,

you want to lean down there

and grab that thing?

Now, be careful.

Just use your legs, okay?

'cause you don't want to end up

getting a bad back like I got.

Oh, I don't want

a bad back,

but I wouldn't mind one

like you got.

All right.

Lift her up, there.

That's it.

Now, just walk ahead

slowly, red.

[ grunting ]

[ laughs ]

see, red,

you got to pay attention.

You forgot to move

the rock here.

It's not gonna go anywhere

with a rock there.

No.

Here,

let me get it for you.

I was wondering if you were

gonna notice, but you didn't.

Thank's for doing that.

Hope it's not too much trouble.

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, sorry, harold.

You're all right.

Okay, red, let's go.

All righty.

Just stick her over by the shed

there, will you, red?

I got a guy coming to rent it

a little while later.

Well, why don't we put it

in the water, then?

[ laughs ] I just took it out

of the water, red.

Oh, yeah, I can clip the guy

for another hundred bucks or so

by launching his boat.

Oh.

You got to be thinking

in this business, red.

I guess that's why

you're doing so well.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Use your brain.

Save your muscle.

Yeah.

You know, red,

there's a lot of guys

who would have done this

by themselves.

That would be crazy.

Oh, yeah.

Much easier

with the two of us.

[ engine sputters, ekg beeping ]

[ ekg flatlining ]

oh, boy.

Sorry.

Uncle red,

how come older men,

some of them, you know,

they, like,

leave their wives

and start going out

with younger girls?

Because they can.

What?

No, no,

I'm kidding, I guess.

But, you know,

it works both ways, harold.

I hear a lot of older women

are leaving their husbands

and going off

with younger men.

Maybe there's hope

for you.

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah! Wa-a-a!

Unless I get too old

to qualify.

Oh, harold,

with your personality,

you won't be allowed

to get old.

You know,

I read an article

about these younger/older

relationships.

It was called

"may/December romance."

what do they mean by that,

uncle red?

Well, harold,

a lot of times

when a couple's married

a long time,

they only, let's say,

get intimate twice a year --

once at christmas

and once in the spring

when they open up the cottage.

Are you a may/December

kind of person?

Well, that's a little personal,

I think, harold.

But I can answer, I think,

discreetly with two words --

"long weekends."

whoo!

Wa-a-a!

All right.

"long weekend."

[ chuckles ]

what does that mean?

Red: Time for the possum lodge

highland games

on this week's

"adventures with bill."

whoa!

Oh, boy. Wow.

I guess this would be

the opening ceremonies.

Some guys wear their heart

on their sleeve -- not bill.

All right,

this is my opening ceremonies.

Ohh!

You all right, bill?

What he's showing you here --

most of you don't know,

the highland games, of course,

come from scotland.

This is a little event they have

called "tossing the caber."

not to be confused

with "tossing the cookies,"

which we do a lot of

at the lodge.

And this is very --

bill, bill, no, no. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

Oh!

No.

So I put the bungee cord,

one of the other secret weapons

at the lodge, around there.

Now, that'll help.

That'll help.

I think that'll help a lot.

That should keep it right --

you got to -- there we go.

There we go. There we go.

There we go. There we go.

Oh!

Nope.

Drop that down, bill.

There's a train coming.

Attaboy.

Hmm.

All right, I thought this time

if I could help him balance it,

maybe, and give him

a little push,

you know, get him going

in the right direction --

there, that looks better --

ooh, the sign!

Oh!

You know, there's a lot more

to this than meets the eye.

Maybe if he had pants on.

Where'd that go?

End over end.

Bill, bill,

I think it's behind you. Bill.

Oh, yeah.

That's going well.

You can see why scotland

doesn't rule the world.

That's a little horizontal,

bill.

The va-- oh!

Well, now you realize

that you don't have to be

scottish to do this.

You just got to be angry.

I'll take it out, there,

and I think about where

I'd like to toss the caber.

But instead of that,

I throw her up into the air.

Let her go, red!

Oh, that's a beauty.

That is a beauty.

It's over here, bill.

Oh, boy.

And, of course,

for the closing ceremonies,

they have the traditional

highland dancing.

[ humming ]

coming up, dalton humphries

is gonna show us

some valuable antiques,

and you can learn about success

from mr. Suck-sess,

winston rothschild.

Well, this goof who bought

the lot next door

is definitely not

one of the guys.

But you met him.

You liked his backhoe and

his bobcat and his bulldozer.

Harold, you can't judge a man

by his equipment.

He used all that stuff

to clean up the lot.

The nerve!

Got all the trucks in there

and hauled away

all the rest of the junk.

Our entire parts department up

and hauled away.

I know there were two great

snow tires in there.

I'll tell ya, when he towed away

that '74 torino

with the landau roof

hanging down the side,

there wasn't a dry eye

in the lodge.

Then he hooked up a brush hog

and used that to remove

every piece of scrub.

Yeah, sure,

he's got a great view,

but he's taking away everything

worth looking at.

Well, uncle red,

it's his property now.

He can do

what he wants with it.

But there are

community standards, harold.

Is he gonna build

a nice house?

Is he gonna cut the grass

every week?

Is he gonna landscape

the property?

And if so,

how do we stop him?!

We're out here

by the main highway

at humphries

everything store

to get another slant

on these city people

moving up to the country.

And here's our resident

antique specialist,

dalton humphries.

I'm a lifestyle recycler.

All right,

what do you think

of these urban refugees

moving up here, dalton?

You know, I say god bless them,

you know?

Because, red,

the first thing they do

after they put in

their satellite dish

is fill their country homes

with rusty plates,

broken chairs,

and old phones that don't work.

Antiques?

Bingo.

Yeah, I got these

antique magazines here.

Well, now, those are

a good investment, red.

Really?

They're full of antiques.

Yeah.

Yeah, well,

antiques are never old news.

Now,

you get a news magazine,

it's not worth anything

a week later.

Good point.

Look what they got

for sale here.

Uh-huh.

"partially restored

carriage house circa 1840."

now, you have to watch

the language in those ads, red.

Oh.

Yeah,

"partially restored."

that means it's

an unsalvageable money pit

and the owner's

bailing out.

"circa 1840"?

[ laughs ]

see, that was

pre-building code.

You're not gonna

find a lot

of great plumbing

and electrical work back then.

I guess that's why this guy

who bought next to possum lodge

is building

his own house.

Yeah.

And in the process,

raising values of property

all over the area --

even possum lodge.

What's that gonna do

to our taxes?

Oh, nothing good.

No, no.

That's why I recommend anyone

coming from the city --

just buy themselves one

of those big, long trailers

and just park it

somewhere.

Yeah, and then fill it full

of expensive antiques.

[ chuckles ]

amen to that.

[ both laugh ]

welcome.

And today oh "the experts"

portion of the show,

we're being joined

by mr. Winston rothschild.

[ applause ]

all righty, we got a letter,

and it goes as follows.

It's from a person.

"dear experts, I have

a law practice in toronto,

"and my daughter

is also a lawyer.

"I have always encouraged her

to strive to be the best,

"but she is now doing better

than I am,

and I'm having trouble

dealing with that."

wa-a-a.

"is there anything I can do?"

well, you know,

I've waited my whole life

to give advice to lawyers.

But this one's got me stumped.

How about you, winston?

Well, um, I don't know.

Let's take it

from the daughter's side

of the point of view of the

perspective of the thing, eh?

I mean, this to me

sounds like a classic case

of your pot

calling the kettle "back."

so, what you're saying is

that maybe she's not trying

to surpass him.

Maybe he's just, like,

you know, a lousy lawyer.

Oh! Oh!

Like that district attorney

on "the perry mason" show?

Wa-a-a!

That guy never won a case

ever never.

Well, you know, at least not

ones they televised, you know?

He must have won some

that they didn't show,

because he was on that program

for like 12 seasons, so --

ham burger.

No, it's true.

No, no, no, no, no.

That was his name --

hamilton burger.

Wa-a-a.

You know...

That guy reminded me a lot

of my old man, eh?

Oh, yeah, 'cause my dad

was always winning,

and I was always

ham burger, eh?

I'll never forget,

you know,

he used to say things

to me like,

"hey, winston,

you're useless."

oh, I'm sure he was

probably kidding, you know?

Yeah, it's just like when

uncle red calls me "dull head."

no, no.

No, no, it's not like that.

Actually, you know something,

it was good for me.

Sure, it helped pull myself up

by the bootlickers.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, do I sit,

or do I get off the pot, eh?

And now look at me, eh?

I got the number-one

septic sewage-sucking business

in the whole county.

I am sitting pretty.

Okay.

Um, what we've learned

today, then,

is that it's what you think

of yourself that is important,

and not to let your self-worth

be dictated to you

by your father

or your daughter.

Or your nephew.

Or your uncle.

"worms," by me.

"spring has hit the city.

"there's leaves on every tree,

"and worms festoon

the sidewalks

"as far as the eye can see.

"trampled under boots and heels,

they're flatter than bobby v.

"at the lodge,

the worms are luckier.

They get to go fishing with me."

I'll tell you, real estate

is a complicated business.

The guy next door

just got finished

improving the value

of all our properties,

and now he's put the lot

up for sale.

I'll tell ya,

he must be seeing something

that none of us can see.

Yeah. Possum lodge.

Wa-a-a!

Once he got a clear view what

this place really looked like,

he didn't want

to live beside it.

Suits me fine.

Nature takes care of its own,

harold.

No, but just think of it,

uncle red.

If we clean this place up,

we can really increase

its value.

Yeah, but it will do the same

thing to the lot, harold.

And then the price will be

too high for us to afford.

Well, so what?

You're not gonna buy it anyway.

Only because

we don't have to.

See, if we fix up

the lodge,

then the value of the lot

next door goes up,

then somebody's

gonna want to buy it --

we got to outbid them,

which we can't afford to do,

and we end up

with new neighbors,

which we don't want.

This way,

we don't have to do any work,

we keep the property taxes

real low,

and nobody moves in

next door,

we get a free place to store

all the burned-out equipment.

Name me one thing wrong

with that plan!

Well, it's ugly.

It's an eyesore.

It's an environmental hazard.

And it's illegal.

I said one thing.

Okay, it smells.

Well,

you get used to that.

Real men do.

I said it smells...

Good.

[ screeching ]

oh! Cry of the possum.

It's meeting time, isn't it?

Well, I guess I'll just

go be with the other men.

Wa-a-a!

Somebody should warn them.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be a little bit

late tonight,

'cause we're gonna go over

to the lot there

and throw all

our broken furniture

and a few rusted-out

hot-water tanks.

We got a '75 omni

we're towing over.

Got no doors, no motor in it,

and everything.

We got about 200 army surplus

metal bed frames --

I'll tell you something,

bernice,

we're getting our lives

back here.

And to the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang out here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Got a special presentation

for you tonight.

Winston's got something

so great.

This is great.

Don't go anywhere.

Don't look yet.

Well, you can look now.

Wow.

I got it.

Watch your head.

Red: If you'd like to become

a member of possum lodge

and you got 3 bucks to blow,

you can either mail it to

the address here on the screen

or dial 1-800-ypossum.