The Sing Along Machine/Transcript

The complete transcript The Sing Along Machine

Intro
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, there are a few scenes from the show, followed by a stock footage of a bird flying through the sky at sunset, amid various gunshot sounds.}''

''{Open to a scene inside the Possum Lodge. Camera slowly pans forward.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And now, it's time to prove that men do not need lives to find desperation, no way, they're loud. And we picked a loud man. Don't you think of the men of Possum Lodge generally? My uncle in particular? He's the leader of the Possum Lodge, and that's only because we weren't— you know, the discouraging lack of turnout on the election day. But anyway, here's the star of The Red Green Show, and that's due mainly to the fact that he has the same name. Anyway, here he is, Mr. Red Green!

RED GREEN: Thank you, Harold. Thank you, and welcome to the Possum Lodge. Please don't judge the show by anything Harold says, or does. He's only my producer and director, because first of all, he's my nephew, and secondly, this is black fly country which really teaches you to put up with just about anything.

HAROLD GREEN: And I'm here to put juice in the show, like this.

''{Harold presses a button, which causes the screen to zoom out and spin around on a red background. Zooms back in.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Hoo ha! Woo!

RED GREEN: We may let them watch a half hour of that. Anyway, things are really hopping up at the lodge this week. Eddie made a special stew. Tasted like a Hungarian galosh.

HAROLD GREEN: You know what I think the problem is. I think Eddie doesn't concentrate on— when he cooks.

RED GREEN: Well, that's it in a nutshell, Harold. And some of that shell. Eddie's mind is somewhere else.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, Broadway. He wants to sing on Broadway.

RED GREEN: Oh, no. I think it's— it's more of the off-Broadway, isn't it Harold? I mean, when he sings it sounds off. I mean, way off Broadway. Maybe the Yukon.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I think we should maybe just get on to the next segment, Uncle Red. Remember that "pacing" thing we talked about at the last production meeting?

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay. So anyway, a bunch of the guys, you know, managed to have a word with Eddie. You know, once the keg of PeptAid kicked in. They were kind of rough on him. Especially Moose Thomson, because Moose, he'd had a whole bag full of stew, and the thing with Moose is, he eats so darn fast, he really doesn't taste anything until he's into the third plateful.

HAROLD GREEN: We're going...

RED GREEN: Uh, yeah, so once Moose had finished, you know, talking to Eddie about his physical appearance, his religious practice, and his ethnic background, Eddie has decided to really back off on the cooking and focus his full attention on the show biz career.

HAROLD GREEN: {swinging back and forth} Woo! We're going!

RED GREEN: Yeah, I'm— I'm done, Harold, go ahead.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh. Oh, uh, uh, okay. All right. All right. {presses button, nothing happens} Didn't do nothing. Okay. {into headset} Larry, Larry, my manual up there? The— {loud, high-pitched noise} Yeah, oh, that's loud! Loud!

{screen zooms out to the Possum Lodge exterior}

HAROLD GREEN: There we go. Ah!

In The Lodge
EDDIE JOHNSON: Okay. Attach air raid siren to truck alternator.

BILL SMITH: Check.

EDDIE JOHNSON: And then, plug unit in.

BILL SMITH: All right.

EDDIE JOHNSON: Bill, you plug it in, and I'll pump up the volume.

HAROLD GREEN: An air raid siren? What&mdash; what is this thing, Eddie?

EDDIE JOHNSON: This is a karaoke machine, Harold. You see, you put the, uh, the tape, with just the music on it right in here, and then you sing along. Very ?

HAROLD GREEN: Wow, I&mdash; surprising. Hey, the Japanese workers are in the factories, singing songs, and they're making all those camcorders?

EDDIE: The Japanese are very powerful in the business. And there's no business like show business, and that's my business, and now I've got a machine that's gonna hone my skills.

{Red walks in behind Eddie.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you've got a cup on it.

EDDIE JOHNSON: I'm going to be on Broadway, Harold, and you are not going to rain on my parade. I'm going to be the next Bobbita

RED GREEN: What does this thing here cost, Eddie?

EDDIE JOHNSON: I–I-I-I got a real deal from Murray, see, he makes these in his basement. Oh, wait till you hear the sound on this thing, Red.

{Eddie stands up and takes the mic.}

EDDIE JOHNSON: Okay, Bill, there's a plug over there behind the stove. Wanna get it?

''{Bill plugs the machine in. Sparks start to fly, and Eddie shakes frantically.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Whoo-hoo-hoo! There's a light show, too!

{Bill claps.}

RED GREEN: Bill, Bill, Bill. ? Looks like Eddie took a big jolt there.

HAROLD GREEN: Why? Was he standing in water?

RED GREEN: No, but I am.

{Murray and Dwayne Woolworth walk in.}

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Hey, Eddie, we got that songbook list for you. What's the matter with him? Singing falsetto?

RED GREEN: No, er, he just got some feedback from your Kamikaze machine there.

DWAYNE: We brought you the ? tracks to Funny Girl, Annie Get Your Gun, and South Pacific. Except for I'm Going To Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair. Murray and I didn't think you wanted that one anyway.

{Two guys walk in.}

DOC RENDOR: Well, you don't have to decide right now. Better get away from him, Dwayne. Might be a goner.

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Or is this his version

of "silent night"?

[ laughter ]

"silent night."

well, I got

my rubber-soled shoes on,

so I guess

I'll discharge him.

Bill, you want to ground that

on the stove?

You know,

with a touch more wire,

we could use him to jump-start

the lawn tractor out back.

All right.

Let her rip.

[ groans ]

♪ don't cry for me,

argentina ♪

[ groans ]

you karaoked me!

[ groans ]

♪ hey, big spender ♪

[ groans ]

I was standing

right there,

and all of a sudden...

[ groans ]

♪ 76 trombones

led the big parade ♪

[ groans ]

...I got

this incredible shock.

Huh? Well, maybe you

hooked it up wrong.

I didn't hook it up wrong.

[ groans ]

♪ how do you solve a problem

like maria? ♪

[ groans ]

you built it wrong.

And you are just darn lucky

that I wasn't hurt or...

[ groans ]

♪ when you're a jet,

you're a jet ♪

[ groans ]

...And suffered

permanent damage.

Are you feeling okay,

eddie?

Yes, red. I'm fine.

[ groans ]

♪ mine ♪

[ groans ]

doc?

Very unusual, red.

Entertaining as hell,

though.

We're just lucky there wasn't a

polka tape in that damn machine.

Amen.

Well, murray,

I think you'd better give eddie

his money back here.

Hey, no. No way.

I --

[ groans ]

♪ I could have danced

all night ♪

♪ I could have danced

all -- ♪

[ groans ]

I don't want my money back.

I just -- I just want

this machine fixed.

I need it

for my career.

Eddie, I-I think,

uh, a cash refund is

enough of a long shot.

Well, see, it --

it wasn't my --

[ groans ]

♪ give me down to there, hair,

shoulder length or longer ♪

[ groans ]

...Money. I kind of borrowed it

from the, uh --

the lodge, uh,

entertainment fund.

Well, you guys better

work this out between you,

but whatever you come up with,

it's got to be entertaining

or -- or profitable

or kill one of you.

You know, with that

electric-shock thing there,

eddie, I thought it was

really entertaining.

You know what? Maybe we could

sell this to alice cooper.

Uh, well, maybe so,

but she better not touch it

till it's fixed.

[ groans ]

♪ chicago, chicago

is my kind of town ♪

♪ is my kind of town ♪

[ groans ]

what?

[ drums and guitar playing ]

♪ don't stick your face

in a hollow log ♪

♪ don't squat on your haunches

in a toxic bog ♪

♪ don't lie faceup

in a cattle field ♪

♪ and don't ever date

a woman named crusher ♪

this week

on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you

how to do some rust-proofing

on your car.

Uh, you know, uh, these days,

uh, with the government putting

so much salt on the roads,

you know,

they end up retaining water,

and then your car

rusts out on you.

So you end up having to do

some bodywork

or some sort

of a defensive mechanism.

Uh, a lot of people

are using fiberglass,

put the fiberglass on the car.

But, uh, that's hard to do,

it's expensive, it smells funny,

and, uh, you can't even

put a fridge magnet

and leave a message for anybody

on your car after that.

Uh, now, moose thompson --

what he done

was he, uh, completely encased

his truck in cement,

uh, which was

kind of a novel approach.

It really cut

into his gas mileage,

but if he's ever in an accident,

he wins.

But, uh, I want to take kind of

a -- kind of a new approach.

I want you to think about this.

Linoleum.

Try putting some linoleum

right on your car.

It's -- it's fairly inexpensive.

It's lightweight. It's durable.

And if you get

into a fender bender, you know,

if you got a decent

cushion floor on there,

it could save your life.

What you do is, uh, take her out

and cut her out in roughly

the shape of the car.

Stick it on with the handyman's

secret weapon -- duct tape.

Oh, this will take you

three or four hours

on a -- on a Saturday or --

or really any -- any day.

I mean, that part's up to you.

But, uh, I think you'll be

quite surprised

and -- and

to a certain extent amazed,

uh, at how it turns out.

Now, I'm, uh, kind of

on a limited budget,

so I did this all with, uh --

with the samples.

But, uh, I suppose

if money's no object,

you would get, you know,

the whole roll of linoleum

in 9x12 or whatever it comes in,

and do it all.

Actually,

I kind of like this look.

And I'm sure

there's people out there,

maybe yuppies or what have you,

that would, uh --

that would want

to do it all in parquet

or, uh, terrazzo tile

of some kind.

But this is just fine for me.

It's, uh -- it's easy as heck

to keep clean, too,

because it's a --

it's a no-wax finish.

You just damp-mop that down,

especially if there's eggs

or what have you on it.

Comes right up,

looks real good.

Myself, personally, I'm gonna --

I'm gonna polish this up.

But that's just a --

that's a pride thing.

That's just something

that I have.

But, uh, if any of you want

to do this with anything,

it's the same technique.

As long as you got the duct tape

and the time,

you can have something

that looks like this

sitting in your driveway.

So, until next time,

remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Beautiful, beautiful thing,

is it not?

"it is autumn.

"one last ride in the boat,

"one last day at the cottage,

"one last drive in the car

through the hills,

and then the repo man

takes it all away."

so, anyway, eddie the cook

wants us to keep

that karaoke machine

since it was bought

with lodge money,

but, you know, it's awful hard

to follow the argument

when he keeps breaking

into rodgers and hammerstein.

I can understand good value

for the money,

but "I am 16, going on 17"?

Anyway, the bunch of us

went down to murray's store

to try to get a refund.

We didn't know whether

to use brute force

or perhaps something

more subtle, like, say,

closing all the windows

and getting stinky peterson

to negotiate a settlement.

Gee, you know, uncle red,

dwayne and murray,

they're both lodge members.

You know,

I really can't see them

intentionally ripping

other lodge members off.

Well, no, no.

I agree with that.

But just to be on the safe side,

moose and helmut

took down a couple of pickaxes

and a zamboni.

That'll get murray's

attention, you know.

Oh, wait a minute.

That's violence.

No, no, that's using violence

as a tool,

and I cannot adhere

to violence in any form.

Oh, harold, if I had

your personality,

I'd be against violence

myself.

Exactly, and I'll bet you

that violence

didn't get you anywhere,

either, did it?

Well, it sort of did.

Well, murray gave you

your money back?

Not yet,

but I'll tell you --

we got an unbelievable price

on work socks.

Wa! Wa-a-a!

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. All right.

Wa-a-a!

Yeah, good deal.

Way to go.

Good work there,

uncle red.

[ chuckles ]

anyway, we may have to go

to binding arbitration

to settle this thing.

What's that?

Well, that's where we tie

murray and dwayne into a chair

and take their teeth out.

That's fair.

Well, doc, I really appreciate

what you did for eddie there.

Took a heck of a jolt,

didn't he, huh?

I'll bet that shows up

on this month's electric bill.

Well, I've seen my share

of electrocutions, red.

Really?

I'd say -- I'd say he took

a peak voltage

of 12 million amps

of r.C.

Wow.

Not a curly hair

left on his body.

Oh? Gee, that seems like

a lot of power, doc.

That seems a little high to me,

12 million amps.

I mean, wouldn't that

kill a man?

Well, no, no, no,

not if you got both feet

on dry ground, red.

Oh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

as long as the part of you

touching the ground

is larger than the surface area

of your own forehead,

you're okay, yeah.

Yeah, I learned that

when I was working

at the generating station.

Oh, yeah, like an

electricity-generating station?

Well, that's the only kind

I ever heard of.

Oh.

Course,

I don't know everything.

I'm kidding.

Yeah, we were the biggest

generating station

in the hemisphere,

yeah --

86 megawatts per day.

Wow.

Yep.

Wow.

[ chuckles ]

you know, I remember

at lunchtime,

some of the fellas and I,

we'd, uh...Bungee-jump

off the transformer towers.

Oh, my god.

Oh, you'd be okay.

It was till you got close

to the ground.

Then there'd be

this flash of lightning

arc across

from your sinus cavities

right into

the metal tool shed.

Oh, my god.

Yeah, then

it would rain.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Uh, this week, bill told me

to come out into the woods.

We were gonna talk

about first aid,

how to look after injuries,

which is a good thing.

Now, he's got

about an 80-, 90-pound bag

of first aid

medical equipment there,

so he's really well-equipped.

This is the surgical tape,

and -- oh.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, oh, god, oh, the pain.

You know, the pain goes right

up -- right up your leg.

It goes right

into your back there,

gets into your

central nervous system.

But luckily bill had the

surgical tape right out there.

You want to wrap her up,

and did kind of a nice job.

Little bit of the handyman's

secret weapon

sneaking into another part

of the show here.

Did a nice job,

but the unfortunate part is,

of course, you know,

it was the wrong foot.

Yeah, no, it's not --

it's that.

Ow!

And not only up the backbone,

but the pain gets

right up into your brain,

the cranial section.

Anyway, he got the other foot,

the correct foot,

all wrapped up.

Oh, oh.

Golly.

And, uh...

Now just get me up

into the standing position.

You know, we were gonna pretend.

Oh, gee. You know, the arms

come up there.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, bill.

Sorry. I didn't mean

any of that, you know.

But I was darn glad it happened.

[ bones cracking ]

oh, god!

Don't stand on my foot, bill!

Anyway, if you can get me up

into the --

now this is kind of

the cantilever,

seesaw kind of a --

and I came up,

but, unfortunately,

bill went down.

You know, I really couldn't put

any weight at all on the ankle,

so, uh, bill says to me,

"what you need is some sort

of a crutch there,"

you know, and I didn't have

a crutch in his bag.

But, uh,

he's gonna take a saw --

he's gonna cut me -- he's gonna

try and cut something to --

gonna get a big -- get a branch

or what have you

and maybe -- no, not --

no, bill, that's a little --

that's too -- that's not --

you're not gonna make a --

that's a --

no, that's too --

it's heavy, and it's too big.

No, it's not gonna work.

No, bill.

Ohh! Ooh!

[ grunts ]

all right, so now this required

a little more surgical tape.

Now the pain was running

from my brain down into my foot.

So off -- he comes back

with another branch

he's gonna make into a crutch

'cause it had that little

fork thing,

and that's

what you need there.

And a little high, though.

I don't think manute bol

has a sprained ankle.

Now, bill, don't watch us, bill.

Don't look at the camera.

Bill -- oh.

You know, well, I tried.

Okay, so now I'm using

the surgical tape on his hand.

And now he's got the crutch.

You think I'm gonna try this?

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

Show us how it works, bill.

Ugh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

So now I can just --

oh, sorry.

I'll just tighten --

tighten that up.

That was a sling, again,

out of the bag.

So he's got a hand

and kind of a busted-up arm,

and I've got the head

and the foot thing.

And now we'll get him up here,

just get him up standing now.

You know, bill doesn't look

all that heavy,

but when he starts to rock --

oh, oh, oh, oh!

Sorry. Sorry, bill.

So I got a little more of

the surgical tape, and, uh...

This was turning

into quite a day, really.

We hadn't felt this bad

since new year's day.

So I've become now, you see,

a bit woozy, so I thought I'd...

You know,

this is the fireman's lift,

but, you know,

gravity's a funny thing.

It can shift --

oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh, my back.

Oh, golly.

So, this is something I found

that's darn interesting.

If you get a couple of poles

and you get a couple

of old shirts

out of your laundry hamper,

you can -- what you do is you

put the sleeves on the poles,

over the --

the sleeves of the shirts --

[ chuckles ]

well, I have

a head injury there.

Over the poles,

and what you can make

is you make a stretcher

because once you get the sleeves

on there,

you do up the buttons,

and you got yourself --

you got yourself a stretcher.

But, I'll tell you,

at this point,

I've had enough of bill.

I'm hurting, I'm tired,

I'm hungry.

Ohh!

Well, things happen,

you know.

It's time to go, bill.

He can try some first aid

on himself.

I'm out of here.

And over.

Well, by golly, it's been --

it's been quite a day.

You know, after a few trips

to murray's store,

we had about as many work socks

as we were ever gonna need.

At that price, who could say no,

even if they were singles?

So you've pretty much

given up

on this refund

for the karaoke thing?

Is that

what you're doing?

Well, you're getting a little

ahead of me here, harold.

Well, that's not

too hard to do.

Think you can see

why nepotism

is the main cause

of heart attacks.

So, murray told dwayne

to fix the machine,

problem there being

that dwayne is not exactly

a rocket scientist.

He's more of a nose cone.

So anyway,

dwayne fixed the machine,

then he plugged it in,

and he ended up getting zapped

worse than eddie.

Wa-a-a! Worse?

Like what?

Is he singing, like,

broadway show tunes, too?

Well, no, harold.

Dwayne had a different tape

in there.

It was lorne greene reading

robert service poetry.

So it's a nice change,

you know,

but I think

we're gonna be able

to straighten up

this refund situation

at tonight's

lodge meeting.

[ screeching ]

oh, there it is.

That's the call of the meeting,

uncle red.

Come on, we got to go.

Well, uh, if you'll just excuse

me for a few minutes here,

I just got to go

down to the meeting,

straighten the whole deal up,

and it won't take too long.

While I'm gone, why don't you

just sit quietly

and discuss your favorite part

of the show so far?

[ indistinct conversations ]

helmut --

everybody sit down.

Shh! Shh!

Sit down.

All right, all rise!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

The floor recognizes

murray woolworth.

Thank you, red.

Well, as you know,

we at murray's pride ourselves

on having the lowest prices

around.

But that also means that refunds

and exchanges

are a long shot, at best.

[ audience murmurs ]

well, even so --

even so --

we have done everything

in our power

to satisfy eddie here,

which led

to an unfortunate injury

sustained by my assistant,

dwayne.

Now, there may even be

brain damage,

but who can tell?

Don't worry about me.

I'm fine now.

[ groans ]

there are

strange things done

'neath the midnight sun

by the men

who moil for gold.

[ groans ]

dwayne has nothing to do

with this.

I want my...

[ groans ]

♪ happy talk, keep talking,

happy talk ♪

[ groans ]

...Money back!

Don't you listen?

Are you hard of hearing?

Aren't you listening?

Don't you listen?

Can you not hear me?

You are not going

to get your...

[ groans ]

on the marge

of lake lebarge,

I cremated

sam mcgee.

[ groans ]

...Money back!

Oh, is that...

[ groans ]

♪ I enjoy being

a girl ♪

[ groans ]

...So!

Look, if you think

that you can...

[ groans ]

sam mcgee came

from tennessee,

where the cotton --

[ groans ]

...Tell me what to do,

well, then let me tell you --

[ indistinct shouting,

electricity crackles ]

[ chuckles nervously ]

well, dwayne.

Well.

All right, sor--

sorry I'm late.

Well, you two have

anything else to say, then?

Uh, no.

No, me neither,

no thoughts.

What?

No thoughts from dwayne?

Well, this day is full

of surprises, isn't it?

What do you suppose

just happened there, doc?

Well, red,

they've either created

what's called

a spark capacitor

and discharged ions

of opposite charges,

which neutralizes the electrical

imbalances of the brain,

or -- or it's real love.

It's too soon to tell,

really.

Well, hope for the best

on that.

Uh, any other

lodge business, bill?

Okay, then I'm

gonna call on doc

to give us

the evening's entertainment.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, fellas!

Well, now, I don't think

I told all you guys

about the time that me

and morey amsterdam

were fly-fishing

on the dead sea.

Yeah, twice.

Well, as we say

up at the lodge,

we don't care how it ends,

as long as it does.

We didn't get our money back,

but any machine

that can electrocute our cook

has to be worth something.

And, you know, seeing eddie

and dwayne perform together,

you get a sense

of why vaudeville died.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I'm in the mood

for something dangerous,

so you might want to invite

your folks over.

Well, anyway, till next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

and, luckily, I was wearing

an aqualung at the time

so I could breathe down there.

I was down there about 40 feet,

cruising along the bottom,

water crystal clear

as far as you can see.

Way up ahead of me,

I noticed there's no fish,

but there was some kind

of a weird kind

of human-shaped thing.

And it's paddling

and kicking.

I look behind me,

and there's more coming

straight at me, as well!

I can see he's got --

hang on there!

Finish this story.

Not a word of it's a lie.