Bye Bye Bonnie/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, when bernice

makes her homemade applesauce

she picks the apples

one by one,

she peels them,

she chops 'em up,

she boils them,

she purees them,

and then she cans them.

Boy, if I didn't go into the

kitchen for a cold one

during the half-time show,

I wouldn't see

her at all.

So I'm sayin', forget about

picking the apples...

There's a bumper crop.

[ chuckles ]

all these apples falling,

I feel like isaac newton.

He was a genius too.

But I got something that

old isaac newton didn't

even have...

A veterinary collar

junior singleton put

on his golden retriever

so that it wouldn't

paw at its ear infection.

I got a bunch

of fish bowls

and a gas-powered

snowblower.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thanks very much.

Appreciate it.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

Buster hadfield is

selling all his old cars.

He's got a camaro,

a convertible minus the engine,

he's got a toyota corolla

that's only rolled

three times, I believe.

And he's got 5h dodge darts.

Uh -- um -- uh --

uh, can we talk?

I am.

He's got an aerostar,

he's got a windstar,

the most of

a chrysler imperial,

and he's got a

tow truck.

The tow truck

broke down,

which is why he has

to get rid of all

the cars, see?

Are you just

going to ignore me?

So far so good.

I have a

personal issue.

Harold, two words...

Calamine lotion.

[ laughter ]

no, it's

not physical.

Oh, no.

Is it your

girlfriend?

No?

Yes!!!

I saw bonnie driving

around town in another

guy's car.

A guy!

A guy guy.

What guy?

Some guy who wasn't me,

that's all I know.

Good lookin' guy,

well dressed, buff.

I've lost bonnie.

He's also got an

amc javelin there,

and less than 300,000

miles on her,

and all the original

fire damage, I mean,

it's just --

uncle red, are you gonna

help me get bonnie back?

All right, harold,

this is real easy.

What does this guy

have that you don't?

Bonnie!

No, no, no.

A car, harold.

This guy's got

a car.

We're gonna get you

one of buster's cars.

Oh, oh yeah!

Okay, you think

that'll help?

Absolutely guaranteed.

How much money

do you have?

Twenty dollars.

All right, I'll bring

you the change.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize

is this coupon

for a decorative buffet

platter from martha's meats,

featuring paul bunyan

and his parents,

ma and pa bunyan,

all made entirely

out of liver.

We call it

liver and bunyans.

Okay, cover your

thingies, blair.

Mr. Green,

you've got 30 seconds

to get snowmobile guy blair

cobden to say this word...

Yeah,

all right, mike.

And... Go.

Okay, blair, after a

day of snowmobiling

you wanna come

home to your...

Trailer.

No, okay.

Okay, what makes

your heart skip a beat?

The sound

of ice cracking.

No, no, I mean, this is

something romantic,

something that

gets you excited.

A snow machine.

No, blair,

this has extra curves

in all the right places.

A three-seater.

You see pamela anderson

and you say, she's all...

Silicone.

Okay, um, helen reddy

sang a song,

I am something,

hear me roar.

Full of gas?

Uh, okay, you know,

the guys will say

they wish that this person

could be more like a man.

My cousin eric.

Uh, we're almost

out of time, mr. Green.

Okay, okay,

blair, you know,

they say that no man is

complete until he

gets a good...

Helmet.

But you know, I'd trade in a

good helmet for a good woman.

Yeah!

Scrape off your palettes and

strap on your aprons,

because it's time

for harold's hobby house!

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, joining me today

is semi-expert

demolitionist,

mr. Edgar k.B.

Montrose!

[ cheers and applause ]

welcome, edgar.

I understand you brought

a sample of your

work today.

Oh, no, the doctor said

that would clear up

if I just put

the salve on it.

But I have some sculpt-art

today, harold.

It's a combination of

sculpting and painting.

Oh! So I assume you

take some sculpture,

and you just paint it.

Never assume things,

harold.

Like when you see

a doorbell button,

never assume that it's

a doorbell button.

It could be an

explosives detonator.

That one cost me

a finger.

So!

What is sculpt-art?

Oh, it's just the biggest

breakthrough in art since

fingerpainting,

which I had to give up.

How do you start?

Well, you start

with a sculpture.

That's a clock.

Artistic license.

Okay.

And you change that

sculpture into a painting.

[ sniffs ]

that's dynamite.

Well, why,

thank you, harold.

Now, you take a

sculpture like this,

and you transform this

teapot into a t.N.T.-Pot.

[ applause ]

what kind of

charge is that?

Uh, five bucks for you.

And then you put the teapot

into the garbage can.

It doesn't look

like art to me.

Art is in the eye

of the beholder.

That's where I'm afraid

it's gonna end up.

Just a minute.

Okay.

Ahh!

Put it into the can.

This is not safe!

Now, if you put something

heavy on the canvas,

most people will think

that will make the

explosion safer.

[ laughter and applause ]

you know, over the years,

many of my best friends

have been blessed

with sudden good fortune.

And golly, did they ever think

to share any of it with me?

Well, now the

table is turned.

Literally.

I recently became the owner

of a number of highway signs

as the result

of a heavy windstorm

and my own chain saw.

And what did I do

with this good fortune?

How about a dining room table

for people on the go?

Or a tray for serving

drinks to people

who are getting

a little carried away.

Or what if you

like to sit outside?

Or maybe the people

in your family

force you to sit outside.

Well, how about a

highway sign muskoka chair?

But what if

you're not handy?

What do you do then?

Kill yourself I guess.

I'm just kiddin' ya.

No, you can just use the

signs just the way they are.

Put one on the bathroom.

Heck, put one

in the bathroom.

And you can put one

on the bedroom door

and a whole bunch

more inside.

That last one

glows in the dark.

Oh, look, harold's room.

[ applause ]

I wanna talk to the women out

there about something

important.

You may not know this,

but as us guys get on in years,

our needs in

the bedroom change.

It's all part of the

time-space continuum.

We a little more time,

but we need a lot more space.

See, when bernice

and I first married

we slept on a 3/4 bed with

our arms and legs all

tangled up,

like four pounds of worms

in a three-pound can.

After being married

for a couple of years,

we both needed a double.

And then a queen sized,

and now we're

up to a king.

I don't know what's next,

an ace or maybe a joker.

The longer you're together

the bigger the bed.

I think if you're

married long enough

you start sleeping

on the pool cover.

Now, this has nothing to do

with romance or love

or anything they

talk about on oprah.

This is all about two bodies

who start having

a mind of their own,

kicking and twitching

and punching

in the middle of the night.

That's why we

need the huge bed.

So, ladies, the next time

you're wondering

when your husband's

coming to bed

only to realise he's been

lying next to you for

three hours,

trust me, he knows

it's safer for everyone

if he simply admires

you from afar.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in this together.

If you made a deposit

in the stock market

got a big return

and you're rolling in it,

congratulations.

If you made

a deposit at home

got a big return and

you're swimming in it,

call rothschild's.

Man, you try

to help a guy out,

or even a harold out,

where does it get you?

Went to buster hadfield's

used car sale,

bought harold a '74

olds tornado.

I mean,

that's a lot of car.

You'd think harold

would be grateful.

But then you'd think harold

would be a lot of things.

Okay, uncle red,

okay, okay,

I suppose you meant well.

You just didn't

do well.

Harold, where else

are you going to find

a full-size luxury car

for 17 bucks?

True, but see the car --

the point of the car

was to help get bonnie

back into my life.

She's not gonna

get in that thing.

There's a door missing.

It's not her door.

Harold,

if she's uppity,

I can't help you.

Bonnie doesn't

care about cars.

I heard that she went to

port asbestos with her

new boyfriend.

Once she sees the big city,

I'm never going to see

her again.

Well, you need to be

a big city guy yourself.

You need

to dress like --

well, I have no idea,

really.

No, you're right!

I need to become

a metrosexual.

Well, I've always

said --

a what?

Metrosexual, it's a

man who has the most

desirable traits

of both a

man and a woman.

Metrosexual.

If that means

too close to call,

it sure sounds

like you.

I'm gonna get me

a big city look,

and I'm gonna

win bonnie back.

All right, you gonna

take the tornado?

No, I'm in a hurry.

[ applause ]

red: Dalton was having

a little recycling drive,

which means he gets us

to pick up all the crap

and he just kinda pretends.

So I wasn't

too motivated,

and after dalton had picked up

about four things

he decided maybe he'd go

and get himself a coffee.

So yeah,

sure, we'll just --

yeah, we're happy to keep

working on your behalf.

And thank you

for coming out.

Meanwhile, harold comes

out of the shed there,

he said there was some

kind of an animal in there,

and he was all upset and all

excited about something,

so bill said he'd

go check it out.

Can't be too serious.

And I could just smell

a little something.

You know,

we both kind of --

it's funny how you

have almost an instinct

like when

you smell things,

and you almost regress

back into a --

almost like you're

another form.

So bill comes out

and says that

actually what it is,

is there's a skunk.

There's an actual

skunk in the shed.

And, wow,

that's a big fella.

So we just kind of

freeze in place there,

and of course,

what you wanna do

is not be the lead guy.

So I kinda --

I don't mind overspray,

I just don't wanna

take the hit myself.

And I see the can there,

and I think if we can

get the thing into a can --

so we did a

full military assault

on the skunk

with the cans.

And, uh, boy, we came out,

I was pretty sure I

had the thing.

I had her

trapped in there.

Bill thought he had her,

but I could smell it.

I was pretty sure

I had it.

Take a look at this.

Oh.

No, no, no.

Hm, thought I had it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's in there.

Oh, yeah.

Oh. No.

So I go back in

because we've still got

the other can in there.

Oh, I got her for sure.

I can feel it rumbling

around inside the can.

I got her this time.

We're gold.

We're gold.

We got it.

Oh, you can even tell,

it's got that bit of

a stink to it, you know.

Watch this, take a look

at this, bill, see.

See, look.

Oh. No.

Okay, so harold

has this idea

that cats don't like to be

sprayed with water,

and he's thinking the skunk

is part of the cat family,

the part that never

bathes, I guess,

and he says to bill,

go with the hose,

and then when you see the

skunk you can just squirt him,

and just signal me,

and he would turn on the tap.

So bill's lookin' around

for the skunk,

and he sees

the board movin',

so okay,

she's comin' up.

So he's, harold,

turn on the tap.

And harold opens

her up full blast.

And bill just

kind of does a blind side,

round the corner --

a little high for a skunk,

I'm thinking, bill.

A little high.

That's more suitable

for a person.

Yeah, no --

all right.

So meanwhile, harold's

wondering where the skunk is,

and all of a sudden the

skunk comes up behind him,

and he jumps -- oh!

You know, they say

when you see a skunk

just to stay

perfectly still.

It doesn't always work.

Wow, that's a rough day.

So now bill's

sneaking around,

he comes up on the skunk,

he's all set,

and he goes to squirt

the darned thing,

but no water comes out,

so now he signals harold,

harold, turn on --

uh-oh.

Harold, quick,

turn on the tap!

Well, harold's lookin'

like new year's day.

Oh!

So he comes up

sneakin' by me

and I grab him and

get him into the bag.

Meanwhile dalton comes

back with his coffee cup.

And where would you --

the can, the paper?

Oh, just chuck that

on the ground, fine.

So dalton's asking

for my bag.

No, you don't

want this, dalton.

Oh, okay.

[ chuckles ]

all right, well,

and the boys come back.

And they're not

smelling too special.

And then dalton

comes wheelin' --

how do you like

your coffee, dalton?

You like it black

with cream on the side?

You know, to me there's

nothing more comforting

than sitting outside

with a newspaper,

especially at

a nudist camp.

But as so often

happens in life,

a little wind

at the wrong time

can really kill the mood.

Luckily,

I have a solution.

Remember aerosol hairspray?

They outlawed this stuff a few

years ago for some reason.

Now it's as hard

to find as the ozone.

I had a few cans

tucked away in a drawer.

But thanks

to my lucky hat

and the blessing

of male pattern baldness,

I don't need it anymore.

This stuff dries stiffer

than buster hadfield's drinks.

It's like viagra for hair.

Hairspray is great.

I don't know what all

the big fuss is about.

And it's just that easy.

Once again science

conquers nature.

[ applause ]

well, talk about

easy come, easy go.

I bought all of

buster's unsold cars,

and there's a whack of 'em.

And then bernice tells me

we got no place to

keep 'em all,

unless we extend

the driveway 200 feet

right through

her vegetable garden,

and I said, okay.

But I misunderstood.

But it's killing me

to take these cars back.

I mean, I paid less for them

than harold's new outfit.

There's something wrong when

you can buy a '72 pacer

for the same price

as a belt.

[ wolf whistles

and cheers ]

it's pretty hard

to walk in leather.

Yeah.

Now I know why

cows move so slow.

So has bonnie seen

your new look yet?

Oh, no, no, no.

But her mother says

she comes back from

port asbestos today,

so I thought I might just

cruise into town

a little later.

Oh, yeah?

You might want to

wait until after dark,

and don't go anywhere

near the legion.

[ car approaches ]

oh, that's

bonnie's car!

That's bonnie's car.

That's bonnie's car.

Oh, you know, what if

she doesn't like this?

What if it's over?

What have I done?

I don't look metrosexual,

I look like a couch.

[ car door slams ]

harold, harold, harold.

If you start sweating,

the leather will shrink,

and you'll

be crushed, okay.

Yeah, okay.

[ knock at door ]

come in!

Okay, now start

singing y.M.C.A.

Red: Oh, man.

Bonnie?!

Harold?!

You look

like j-lo.

You like...

Her too.

Well, this is

my new look.

Well, this is

my new look.

Yeah, well, I heard you're

driving around town

in some guy's car.

Ha, he's my cousin!

He's a

fashion designer.

I asked him to help me

get a new look

for my sweetheart.

Oh, yeah, your

sweetheart, he gets a  --

I'm your sweetheart?

That's me.

Oh! Ha! Ha!

Here I was,

I was all nervous

that you were

leaving me,

so I tried to make

myself more attractive.

Oh, harold, I could

never find you more

attractive!

[ applause ]

I don't want you

to change.

I don't want you

to change either.

Let's go change.

Hey, hey, hey.

You two better not

undress together.

You'll forget

who's who.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time,

harold.

Yeah, right.

Away you go, harold,

it's the meeting.

Oh, yeah, right.

Away you go.

Go on,

away you go.

Harold, harold, harold!

Be careful

on the, um --

[ crash ]

stairs.

Harold: Yeah, right!

Okay.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I'm not going to take the cars

back until tomorrow morning,

so if you wanna take a little

trip down memory lane,

we've got 76 back seats

to choose from.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down, sit down.

Meeting coming to order.

Sit down,

c'mon, sit down.

Everybody, you guys in front,

sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

Okay, men, I've got

400 gallons of gas for sale

at 10¢ a gallon.

Anybody interested?

Boy, nothing turns these

guys on like cheap gas.

They're petro-sexuals.

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