Angel/Transcript

The complete transcript for Angel''

Opening Scene
{Outside the lodge, Red walks up past the parked Possum Van, with its driver-side door open.}

RED GREEN: If you've ever driven off the main road to avoid cops or whatever, then you've probably gone by some old farmhouse that had some frantic dog come chasin' after your vehicle. {makes a braking motion, followed by throwing his arms around to simulate swerving} Then you start slowing down or swerving all over the place. That just gives the dog confidence. He thinks he's winning. Well, here's a simple trick to help you avoid the whole situation.

''{Red walks up to the back of the van. A piece of copper pipe is duct-taped to the hitch. The other end of the pipe has a plush toy of a dog stuck in it, hovering in mid-air}''

RED GREEN: Just take a piece of copper pipe, stick it into a toy dog out the back of your vehicle. It's that simple. Just make sure that you stick it into the right end. {walks back up to the driver-side door} When other dogs see that fake dog bouncin' along behind your vehicle, they'll think, "Oh, boy! I can relax for a change. {closes door} This one's covered."

''{Red drives off in the van, the back wheels throwing up dust in the air. The road is pretty rough, as it shakes the pipe sticking out the end of the van. The dog in turn bounces up and down on the pipe as the van drives along.}''

Intro
''{Red enters the lodge, waving to the cheering audience. He holds up both hands to wave the cheering down.}''

RED GREEN: All right, yeah. {rubs hands together} Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Actually, {gestures behind himself with thumb} just had a brush with death. And I don't mean my wife finding out how much I spend on fishing gear either. I'm talkin' about the real thing. {points to the front door} Dalton and I pull into the parking lot, and I hear this loud crack. And I jump out just a maple tree crashes right through the roof of the Possum Van!

{The door opens again and Dalton comes in, rubbing his eyes and his forehead.}

RED GREEN: Oh, boy.

DALTON HUMPHREY: I'm tellin' you, Red, somebody up there was lookin' out for you.

RED GREEN: {to Dalton} Well, whoever's lookin' out for you needs glasses, Dalton. {to camera, pointing to floor} Dalton was bent over, {makes a picking-up motion with his hand} trying to pick a nickel up off the floor. {chuckles; back to Dalton} How are you doin'? You all right?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, everything's copacetic.

RED GREEN: Okay...

DALTON HUMPHREY: {holds up nickel} And I found it.

RED GREEN: All right! {he and Dalton laugh}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, I must have an angel, too, huh?

RED GREEN: Now, what do mean "too"? I don't believe in that stuff.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Really?

RED GREEN: No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You don't believe that there are beings keepin' an eye on where we are and what we're doin' and know exactly what we're thinkin'?

RED GREEN: Yeah, but they're called wives, Dalton. {nods}

DALTON HUMPHREY: So you're tellin' me that you don't believe in the supernatural?

RED GREEN: No, I don't. No, no.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Nothin'? No horoscopes or ghosts or Ouija boards or...

RED GREEN: No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: What's that other thing I'm thinkin' of?

RED GREEN: E.S.P.?

DALTON HUMPHREY: That's it.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} No. No. No.

DALTON HUMPHREY: What about telekinesis? You know, moving things with your mind?

RED GREEN: Well, now, that one, yeah, 'cause one time I saw Buster Hadfield lay on his couch and made his wife move to Port Asbestos. {walks toward front door}

Handyman Corner
''{Red stands outside a shed out beyond the lodge. Next to him is a cast-iron stove. An extension ladder leans against the shed. He points to the open upper floor of the shed.}''

RED GREEN: My wife, Bernice, tells me it would be real nice to have heat in the upper level of the shed here. And when you've been married as long as I have, you accept that your wife's decisions are not only final, they're also relentless. The bottom line is, {gestures toward stove} I gotta figure out a way to get this cast-iron wood stove up to the second floor. {walks up to ladder} I suppose I could horse the unit up onto my back and then carry it up this ladder here. {puts ladder under upper floor opening} But that would be the equivalent of puttin' all my vital organs into a blender. Bein' on a ladder with an extra 150 pounds on my back is the reason middle-aged guys don't elope. But an extension ladder is still a big part of my plan. {pulls on rope on ladder, causing it to extend slightly} See how it goes up when I pull on this rope, here? Remember that. It's a hint.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red drives up in a pickup truck and gets out.}''

RED GREEN: All right, here's another piece of the puzzle: {pulls out a pair of cross-country skis from the trunk} cross-country skis. Every couple of years, some health freak gives me a pair of these. Cross-country skiing is kinda like downhill, but with the fun removed. I'll tell you, if I start cross-country skiing, it's only a matter of time before I'm eatin' broccoli and watchin' the Learning Channel. {hits skis against trunk hood, breaking them in half} Oh, darn, they're broken. {pulls on power winch on front of truck} Oh, here's a key component you're gonna need, too: a power winch, eh? You got one of these on the front of your vehicle? I tell you, if I had a nickel for every drainage ditch, sand trap, or swimming pool this unit has pulled me out of, those darned lawsuits would take care of themselves. All right, these are for pullin' stuff out, but they can also be used for pullin' stuff up.

''{Red nods. Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the extension ladder to the front of the pickup truck. He has tied the rope on the ladder to the power winch. The bottom of the ladder has the skis duct-taped to that.}''

RED GREEN: Can you say forklift? Now all I gotta do is hook the winch here on to the ladder, and when I hit the power, up she goes. Let's giver 'er a go.

''{Red gets into the truck again and starts it up. He pulls the truck up in front of the wood stove and places the skis under it. He then turns the power on the winch, causing the forklift to raise up. But when the skis lift up under the stove, it weighs down the front of the truck, while the back of which is lifted into the air. Red stops the truck and gets out, noticing what happened.}''

RED GREEN: Looks like we're gonna need some ballast.

''{Red walks off. Wipe to a later scene. Red has loaded the back of the pickup trunk with heavy objects, including several oil drums, a dryer and tractor tires.}''

RED GREEN: All right, that's got it. {chuckles} This is so much easier than carrying the stove up there. {gets back into truck} So remember... {turns on truck} if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{He turns on the winch power, which causes the forklift to easily raise the wood stove into the air. Once it's at the right height for the upper floor of the shed, Red then gingerly drives the forklift up to the platform by the open door of the upper floor. He then lowers the forklift to set the wood stove down on the platform.}''

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you middle-aged guys out there for a minute. You know, there's an expression: "The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree." Okay, in human terms that means, "Like father, like son." And in most cases, that's a pretty scary thought. Especially as you head towards retirement and that inevitable moment when your offspring not only look like you, they start lookin' after you. You don't want them to be like you, believe me. So you gotta start settin' a better example right now. Now, I'm not sayin' you have to quit bein' that lazy apathetic guy you've worked so hard to become. Just not in front of the kids, or as I call them, your future caregivers. You need to come up with a few moments of hard work and responsible behavior 'cause you want them to be more responsible, and you're runnin' outta time. Think about it. You don't want anyone like you makin' your meals, drivin' you around, and supervising your medication. So you want that apple to fall as far away from the tree as possible. Maybe even roll down a hill! Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together.

Mike's Teen Talk
''{Mike walks through the lodge basement, trying to hold what looks like a huge wrench. He suddenly looks up to spot that he's on camera.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, hey. How are ya? {tries to hide wrench behind his back, then looks at his watch} Oh, right! Uh, it's time for "Mike's Teen Talk".

''{Mike drops the wrench, which hits the ground and shakes it a bit. He walks up to a small table.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Okay. So, um, I know a lot of you young people have trouble telling the truth. Well, the problem is that the truth isn't always that simple, because what might be true for one guy, like, say, you or me, might not be true for some other guys, like, the police, right? Um, I mean... And also, you might be so busy making up your story and rehearsing it for so long and working and working on it that you think it's really the truth, right? And it comes as a complete shock when some eyewitness tells you you're lyin'. This happens to me a lot. So, I like to look for the danger signs that'll show me if I might be telling the truth. Like, if my story is gonna cause a hassle, or if it's gonna get people irritated, or... {holds up index finger} and here's the big giveaway: if it seems a lot more unlikely than the lie I was gonna tell, then it's probably the truth. So, I'd say that if you wanna get yourself into a lot of trouble and have people mad at ya and, uh, callin' you a liar and all that kinda stuff, then, sure, tell the truth! Otherwise, I'd just sorta use the truth as a last resort, right? Like they do in politics. {looks at his watch again} Oh, that's it! {walks off}

Plot Segment 3
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

all right, yeah.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Actually, just had a

brush with death.

And I don't mean my wife finding

out how much I spend on

fishing gear either.

I'm talkin' about

the real thing.

Dalton and I pull into

the parking lot,

and I hear

this loud crack.

And I jump out

just a maple tree

crashes right through the roof

of the possum van.

Oh, boy.

I'm tellin'

you, red,

somebody up there

was lookin' out for you.

Well, whoever's lookin'

out for you needs

glasses, dalton.

Dalton was bent over

trying to pick a nickel

up off the floor.

How are you doin'?

You all right?

Oh, everything's

copacetic.

And I found it.

I must have an

angel too, huh?

What do mean "too"?

I don't believe in

that stuff.

Really?

No.

You don't believe

that there are beings

keepin' an eye on where

we are and what we're doin'

and know exactly

what we're thinkin'?

Yeah, but they're

called wives.

So you're

tellin' me

that you don't believe

in the supernatural?

No, I don't.

No, no.

No horoscopes or ghosts

or ouija boards --

what's that other

thing I'm thinkin' of?

E.S.P.?

That's it.

No. No. No.

What about

telekinesis,

you know, moving things

with your mind?

Well, now,

that one, yeah,

'cause one time I saw

buster hatfield lay

on his couch

and made his wife

move to port asbestos.

[ laughter ]

it's time to play

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

yes, sir.

And today's prize is an r.V.

Wow!

In this case r.V.

Means red's van.

Hey, wait a minute.

You can't give

away my van.

Just for a day, red.

All right.

It'll need gas.

Playin' for today's prize

is mike hamar.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get mike to say this word...

All right,

dalton.

And go!

Mike, sombody's

chasin' you,

so you're in a...

Stolen car?

Um, okay,

you're in a car,

goin' a little faster

than you should,

and the cops

pull you over,

and they say,

hey, what's the big...

Automatic weapon.

No, let's go back

to your childhood.

Remember you mom would say,

don't eat so fast.

There's no...

Seconds.

All right.

This is an expression.

You're in a long,

slow line at the bank,

and it's no moving

as fast as it should be

'cause the teller's

moving kinda slow,

so you yell,

something up!

Stick 'em.

No.

Time's almost up, red.

Come on, mike.

You gotta do this,

or you won't win the game.

Cheat?

No, no, no, no.

Not cheat, no.

You gotta be quicker,

or you won't get to

drive my van.

Well, actually,

I'd rather walk.

See, I'm kinda

in a hurry.

There we go!

[ bell ringing ]

[ applause ]

here's the keys.

Harold.

Hey, uncle red!

How you doin'?

Good. Good.

I'm on a break.

Great, give you a couple of

minutes to take a look at some

of the stuff I brought you

for your work space, here.

Stuff?

You brought stuff?

Yeah, you know,

just a few momentos

from the lodge.

Oh, well, it's not like I'm

never comin' back up to

the lodge, or anything.

You don't have to bring

stuff down to me 'cause --

that's a big picture,

isn't it?

That's big one, eh?

Yeah!

Isn't that a beauty?

That's of me and you

in our lodge clothing.

Lodge clothing, yeah.

Up at the lodge.

Surrounded by

lodge stuff.

Worth a thousand words,

isn't it?

Yeah.

Couple are comin'

to mind right now.

Good.

Good.

You know,

the problem is --

oh, I do not have

a wall to hang this on.

No problem, harold.

Look at this.

See?

Got a stand on it.

Let's her stand

right up all

on her own.

Oh, that's --

that's --

that's in my

staple zone!

That's where I do

all the stapling.

That's --

that's --

high business stapling

I do there.

I got an idea.

I got an idea.

I know exactly where

I can stuff this.

Really?

Yeah.

Into my scanner,

you see.

And then I'll

scan the image.

It'll go into my computer and

I'll use that as a screen saver.

This is where it'll be.

But, harold,

then you'll only be able to

see it when you're not working.

Well, I don't

do much work.

I do so little work,

it's scary.

Oh, I get it, harold.

You're ashamed

of the lodge.

That's what it is,

isn't it?

No.

No, no, no.

No, no.

No, it's just that --

no, what is is that if I look

at this picture all day long,

I'm gonna start

day dreaming.

I'll be fantasizing

about, you know,

maybe if fish could

swim in possum lake.

You know, I'll never

get any work done.

All right.

Okay.

I see where you're

comin' from.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

I guess this here is out

of the question, is it?

Yes, yes, it would.

All right.

c'mon in, red.

I am gonna

convince you

that there is such a

thing as psychic power,

and I'm gonna do it

in front of witnesses.

If you could read

my mind, dalton,

you wouldn't even

try this, you know.

Pick a card.

Pick a card.

All right,

I'll pick a card.

Okay,

now stare at it.

Concentrate.

Send a mental picture

of that card to me.

Are you thinkin'

of naked women?

No.

Oh, that must be me.

Okay, concentrate

on that card.

Is it the

three of clubs?

No.

The four of clubs?

No.

It's a club, though.

No.

It's a black card,

is what I mean.

No, it's not.

Oh, let me

see that!

Oh, there it is.

The trouble is, red,

that you don't believe in it.

No, no, no.

I don't believe in it

because it doesn't work.

Did you wanna

see me, mr. Humphrey?

Yeah, mike.

I'm trying to convince red

here the power of the mind,

and think you

can help me

'cause moose thompson said

that you believe in angels.

No, no, no.

Mike believes in angles.

No. No. No.

I have an angel.

He looks out for me.

Kinda keeps

me outta trouble.

There you go.

You see?

That's what

I mean.

Yeah, he lives

up back of my place.

Okay, mike,

let's not go too far.

The angel lives

behind your house?

Yes, sir.

Does he have wings?

Yep.

Mike, I know what

you're trying to do,

but let's think about

what we're sayin' here.

No, no, no, no.

I'm almost convinced.

You know, what would

make it work great,

though?

If you could bring that

angel over where I

could meet him.

That would be

the clincher.

Uh, sorry.

No. No.

Um, see, he's real shy.

Oh, oh, oh.

That's a shame

because you were

so close to a

breakthrough.

Well, maybe I can convince him

to come down to the lodge

meeting tonight,

if you're that convinced

you wanna meet him.

You know, I'm not

a betting man,

but I'd be willing

to put up, say,

ten bucks

that says mike can't get

his angel to show up at

the lodge meeting.

All right, mr. Green,

I'll take that bet,

on one condition.

That you make the same

bet with mr. Humphrey.

That way, when I bring

my angel in,

you'll have to pay us

each ten bucks.

Oh, no,

that's okay, mike.

No, no, mr. Humphrey,

you deserve it.

You stuck by me when

mr. Green wouldn't,

and I think that you

deserve that opportunity

to make some

easy cash.

Yeah, I do too,

dalton.

Okay, gentlemen,

let's see

your money.

Uh, can you lend

me ten bucks?

Red green!

This is amazing.

I was just

thinking about you.

Well, I waved at you

before I come up, gord.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Right.

So what brings

you here?

Well, you gave me a roll

of film to get developed.

Yeah, but that was only

about 20 minutes ago.

That was

last month, gord.

Really?

Yeah.

Time flies.

Do you want these

pictures or not?

Oh, yeah,

great, thanks.

Did you look

at them?

No,

I was afraid to.

Oh, look.

These are great.

Oops.

What's that by

the tree, there, gord?

Is that a bear?

What is that?

No, that's one of

those tall hairy men,

the, uh --

oh, you mean

bigfoot?

Uh, no,

bigfeet, actually.

Both of 'em,

huge.

Yeah, he just trampled the new

flower bed I just made,

crazy rascal.

Well, how do you know

it's a "he" and not a "she"?

Yeah, there's

a better picture.

Oh, yeah,

that's a he.

Yeah, I call him fuzzy,

but his real name is

[ growling ]

you know, gord,

these pictures could be worth

a lot of money, you know.

Nah, nah.

Fuzzy doesn't have any money.

Oh, no, no, no.

I mean c.N.N.

They'd pay money

for these

'cause you've got proof that

the abominable snowman exists.

I wouldn't call

him abominable.

He's more

tough but fair.

No, no, no, gord.

I'm saying if you let me

take these pictures, okay,

and I'll present them

to the right people,

and we would be lookin' at

a fair major amount of

coin to share.

Really?

You know,

if we do that,

I should be the one to all

the talking, you know,

because I am a

professional forest ranger.

Just to maintain

credibility.

Uh, these pictures

aren't that good.

Nah.

Red:

Can you believe this?

Mike had a date.

My mind is agog.

And he's havin' a good

time driving along,

and I guess this girl

didn't know him.

Suddenly he starts

to run out of gas.

And so does the car.

Now he has to do what

all men hate to do,

no, not that.

He has to look

at the gas gauge.

Yeah, it looks

a little dry there.

But look,

this girl knows mike.

Now he comes up

to his next obstacle.

This car, technically,

isn't a car he's had

more than five minutes,

so he doesn't know

where the gas filler is.

This is kind of a tip-off.

Try the other side,

there, mike.

No, I think it's behind

the license plate.

Try the license plate there.

I doubt if it would be --

I doubt it.

I doubt it.

What the --

oh, oh, oh.

This is a magnetic hill

in the possum lake area.

I don't think mike's

familiar with that.

And he's all --

mike, it's an optical illusion

it's a magnetic hill.

No, it's an optical --

watch.

There's nothin' to it.

See?

That's all there

is to that.

But you know you can have

a lot of fun with it, yep.

No, no, no.

You can have a lot of fun.

Come on.

First of all,

we don't want the possum van

to go up there.

Get a little rock there.

Put that in front

of the wheels.

Okay, nothin'

to worry about.

Now we can have some fun.

Come here.

Anything I got that

I wanna roll up that hill?

How about --

try the spare.

Try the spare.

This is great.

Let 'er go.

Let 'er go.

[ laughing ]

wasn't that great?

Up she goes.

There we go.

What else I got in here?

I got more of

those big balls.

You know those

beach ball-type things?

Let's try a few of those.

Dump a few in there.

Dump a few in.

Watch this, mike, eh?

Let 'em go.

You got three of them.

Let 'er rip.

Let 'er rip.

Look at this.

There goes one.

There goes two.

And number three.

Oh, my golly.

You know --

all right, mike.

Let's do the big one, eh?

Let's do the big one, eh?

Let's fire the whole

van up there.

Get the other rock.

Get the other rock.

Take the other rock out.

Watch out.

She'll creep on you.

She'll creep.

She'll creep.

Get away.

Get away.

Get away.

I'll get mine.

I'll get mine.

Stand back.

Okay, here she goes.

Here she goes.

Watch this.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

So what are you

learnin' in school

these days, dale?

Well, my economics

class is kind of

interesting.

We're doing a

comparison between

guns and butter.

Oh, yeah.

Is that what the

educational system

has come to now?

You gotta go to college

to be able to tell

guns from butter?

Well, you could learn

about it too, mr. Green.

I mean, they've got

adult classes at night,

if you're interested.

I'm not interested.

I'm just trying to

distract you,

so you'll put more gas in

than the five bucks

I'm payin' for.

That'll be $5,

mr. Green.

There you go,

dale.

See you

next time.

Oh, wait a second.

You forgot your coupons.

What?

It's a promotion

we're doin' here

at the station.

It's like money,

but you gotta

spend it here.

So how much are

these coupons worth,

quarter of a tank

of gas or something?

Nine cents.

Nine cents?

Well, you collect 'em.

It adds up.

Well, can you get

me an elastic band,

so I can keep 'em

together at least?

I don't have an

elastic on me.

The convenience store

sells elastics.

You gotta buy 'em a bag

at a time, though.

And how much does a bag

of elastics cost?

I dunno.

Two bucks?

Dale, I'm not gonna spend

two bucks to hold nine

cents together.

Here, you take

'em back.

No, I can't

take 'em.

I hope you don't think

I'm gonna get outta the

van to pick those up.

I don't bend over

to pick up a dime.

And neither

should you, dale.

What are you makin'?

Eight bucks an hour?

Okay, that's

13 cents a minute.

You take the time to

pick up those coupons,

you're losin' money.

There's your

economics.

And drop by the lodge

and bring a baked potato,

and I'll also show you the

difference between guns

and butter.

Well, mike's runnin'

a bit late, if he's

comin' at all.

You don't suppose his

angel whisked him off

to heaven, do you?

If mike could

get into heaven,

that's good news for all

of us, isn't it?

Well, I got things

to do, dalton,

so if you don't mind,

I'll just kinda --

hold it right there,

mr. Green.

That money isn't

your's yet.

Mike, did you

come alone,

or is there an invisible

spirit kinda hovering

around you?

Probably some

on his breath.

No.

No, it took a

lot of coaxing,

but my angel finally

agreed to drop by.

So if you don't mind

handing over the money.

For what?

Some invisible angel

nobody can see or hear?

Hey, angel,

if you're here,

smite me, huh.

Smite me down.

Smite me good.

C'mon in,

franco.

Um, this

is franco.

He's a volunteer with the

possum lake guardian

angel society.

They help guys

like me.

Pleased to

meet you, franco.

I look out

for mike.

We don't want anything

to mess up his parole.

This is mr. Green.

He wanted you

to smite him.

No, no, no.

Just kiddin'.

What have you got

in the take out

food box?

My wings.

[ laughter and applause ]

I think somebody owes mr.

Humphrey and me ten bucks.

Hey, hey.

This guy isn't

technically an angel.

What!

What did you say?

I guess those are

suicide wings.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

You guys gotta go.

You guys gotta go.

Away you go.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

I'll see you

guys later.

So if my wife is watchin',

I'll be comin' straight home

after the meeting,

and I think I'm gonna need a

change of clothes

because I've just been

touched by an angel.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and my best pal, franco,

keep your stick

on the ice.

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com

everybody sit down.

Take a seat.

Everybody sit.

Sit down, everyone.

Okay, everyone sit.

Sit.

Sit down.

All rise!

All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Okay, bow your heads

for the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change

if I have to

I guess.

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