Flying Blind/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, one of the downsides

of having a vehicle for a while

and perhaps not keeping it

as clean and tidy

as you should have

is that over time,

you can build up an aroma

that is extremely...Odiferous

in nature.

[ sniffs ]

especially on a hot day.

[ wheezes ]

and here's a quick,

easy solution.

'cause when it comes

to a bad smell,

you don't have to clean it out,

you just have to drown it out.

So get the foot pump

off your air mattress,

take the hose off there...

[ pops ]

now, go into your cupboard

and get all those 10-year-old

half-full bottles of aftershave

people used to give you

for your birthday and christmas

until they finally gave up

on making you smell good.

And then just pour them

into the foot pump.

This is the only spice girl

you'll ever get close to --

old spice.

[ tape stretching ]

just stick the foot pump in

the middle of the driver's seat.

Attach the end of the hose

to the rearview mirror.

Now every time

you get in your vehicle,

you'll be pumping out daisies.

[ toots, hisses ]

[ tires screech ]

[ foot pump tooting ]

[ tires screech ]

[ coughing ]

captioning made possible by

acorn media

[ cheers and applause ]

appreciate it.

Appreciate that.

Yeah, big, big week

up at the lodge this week.

I've decided to put on

an air show

featuring old airplanes,

wartime airplanes

from the olden days.

Now, ordinarily,

we'd never be able to afford

to do something like that,

but last week, we got

a big check from the government.

Turns out, there was

a federal rep up here,

and he saw the condition

of the lodge.

He figured we'd been the victims

of a terrorist attack.

So they sent us 5 grand

to tear the place down.

Uncle red!

Yeah?

You know what?

I was thinking.

Maybe you should let me decide

how to spend the $5,000.

Oh, no, no, no, no, harold.

No.

The invention of the computer

is proof

that bad things happen

when nerds have money.

Plus, I've already invested

the 5 grand.

Oh, well, you know,

beer's not an investment.

Harold,

what do people around here

love to watch

flying through the air?

The dukes of hazzard.

They love that.

They do.

Vintage warplanes,

harold.

Bombers and fighters

soaring through the sky

with the original pilots

in the cockpits.

Where are you gonna find

a bunch of old pilots

and vintage airplanes?

Through old man sedgwick.

A couple of the guys went

to school with his grandson.

And I'm not just talking

a flyby, harold.

They do spins and rolls

and even a simulated air strike.

There's one guy,

bomber mckenna --

he dropped more bombs

than anybody in the history

of aviation.

Wow!

Yeah.

Well, okay.

Did he get a medal for that?

No, he got three years

less a day

'cause it was

during peacetime.

Oh.

That's not enough.

I don't know.

See, I don't think an air show's

a very good idea, no.

Harold, I've already sold

over 1,000 tickets.

Wa-a-a!

We got this deal that if you buy

5 tickets or more,

we promise not to crash

on your house.

You know,

that's called marketing.

No,

that's called extortion.

Uncle red, I mean,

do you have any things like,

oh, insurance and permits

to have an air show?

How do you mean?

Per-mits, in-sur-ance.

I-I don't remember.

Ohh!

Oh, all right.

Come on.

Let's go down to city hall.

I know the procedure.

You want me

to do the talking?

No!

I'll do the talking.

You do

the waiting in the van.

It's time for

the possum lodge word game.

Oh.

Today's winner gets this coupon,

good for one free

18th-century musket

courtesy of the canadian

military historical society.

"musket may be recalled

by the canadian armed forces

in event of war."

mike, cover your ears.

Red, you have 30 seconds

to get mike to say

the word "back."

"back."

all right, glen.

Go.

Uh, all right, mike.

This is an expression.

"don't look..."

suspicious.

Okay, no.

If you take something

that's not yours,

you should always

give it...

A couple of days

before you wear it in public.

No.

Okay, okay.

If -- if a friend

double-crosses you,

they stab you in the...

Exercise yard.

No. Okay, okay.

Okay, this is a phrase

you'll hear somebody say.

"take one step forward

and two steps..."

uh, away from the rest

of the lineup.

No, no. Okay.

When you were a kid, you'd go

on a road trip with your dad,

and he'd say,

"climb in the..."

trunk.

No. Okay, okay.

No. Okay.

Arnold schwarzenegger said this.

"I'll be..."

president.

No. Okay, okay.

No, no. Okay.

You see this

at a construction site.

It's a hoe.

Aunt trixie?

We're running out

of time, red.

Yeah, uh, yeah.

Okay, okay.

Mike, where do they keep

the safe in a bank?

Well, I can't tell you that,

mr. Green,

'cause I might lose my job

as a security officer.

You're a bank security officer?

You got that job?

Yeah. [ chuckles ]

you see, there was

no background check.

There we go!

[ bell dinging ]

yay! Yay!

Welcome to the talking animals

portion of the show,

where local

animal-control officer ed frid

is here

to tell us all about...

I'm gonna take a wild guess

and say...

The bear?

Yes, red.

Yes.

[ chuckles ]

and judging by the fact

that you're not wearing a suit

of armor or wetting your pants,

I'm kind of assuming

this is some kind of

toy stuffed bear or some --

[ bear growls ]

ohh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Whoa, a little jumpy there,

red, eh?

[ chuckles ]

boy,

it really makes me laugh

to see how some people are

afraid of wild animals, huh?

[ chuckles ]

oh, yeah. You're --

you're awful calm there.

You been hypnotized

or tranquilized?

Not me, red.

But he will.

[ chuckles ]

oh.

Ohh, yeah.

I'm not shooting blanks.

I'm shooting tranqs.

Yeah. Ho ho ho.

Yes, sirree, red.

Bears may have

claws and teeth

♪ but I got my dart gun ♪

[ chuckles ]

and I love my dart gun.

[ chuckles ]

can I see that

for a sec, there, ed?

Sure.

Oh, and, uh,

here's a safety tip

for you youngsters

out there.

Uh, whenever you're handing

a firearm

to a school chum

or a teacher, um...

Turn it around so you always

hand them the, uh, grip first.

Yeah, and make sure

the safety's on, right?

Oh, well,

that goes without saying.

I always have the safety on.

[ laughs ]

oh, yeah. Okay.

[ safety clicks ]

[ sighs ]

there we go.

[ chuckles ]

safety --

[ bear growls ]

oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I don't have the gun!

Do you have the gun?!

I don't have the gun.

Do you think the bear

has the gun?

Very much so, yes.

Okay, okay. Don't panic.

Don't panic.

Uh, uh, don't forget.

The safety is still on.

Right.

[ safety clicks ]

ohh!

[ bear growling ]

oh! Oh!

Okay, okay.

If you stand still,

he won't shoot!

[ gunshot ]

[ growling continues ]

oh, it was just a theory.

Okay.

Oh! Oh!

Hey, ed.

You're okay.

There's only one dart

in that gun.

[ sighing ] oh.

[ gunshot ]

oh, god!

Well, uh,

it was just a theory.

[ thud ]

some of you young people

may not know what this is.

Heck, most of you

aren't even watching.

Well, this is a waterwheel

that used to power

the old flour mill

down by mercury creek.

The rushing water would turn

the wheel and grind the wheat.

Mind you,

we don't do it that way anymore.

I'm going back

like six months ago.

But just because something's old

and rotten and smells funny

doesn't mean it's useless.

Hey, that could be

the new lodge slogan.

We're gonna think

outside the box.

Might as well.

You're not gonna do much

thinking once you're in the box.

Everybody's harping now

about emissions

and how global warming is making

the whales sweat to death.

Here we have a source

of free power.

We're just throwing it away.

So, this time

on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna make a car

that runs on water.

I happen to have a car here

that the engine fell out of.

I guess I was just born lucky.

Hold it. Hold it.

Wait a sec.

Engine's still in there.

This project's gonna take

a little longer than I thought.

There we go.

[ tape stretching ]

get yourself a bathtub

that nobody's using...

Maybe from a frat house.

I'm just filling her up here.

It's self-serve.

By the way,

you might want to have

a real loud radio

in the vehicle.

'cause if all you hear is

the water tinkling,

you'll be stopping

at every rest area you come to.

I got a piece of downspout

running from the drain

so I can direct the water,

and this valve controls it.

This is the linkage from

my gas pedal to open the belt,

and I got a bungee on there

to shut it off.

I got her set up

so the water comes down the pipe

and falls onto my waterwheel,

which is hooked

into the transmission.

So, I'll be grinding gears

instead of flour.

And the bathtub holds

about 50 gallons,

so I figure I should get

at least 100 miles

between fill-ups,

even more if it rains.

You people

who live on the west coast

should be able to go for months.

So, there you have it.

I've built a zero-emissions,

fuel-efficient car,

and I've saved the planet

for free.

Now, you're probably thinking

I'll get a nobel prize

for physics, eh?

Forget about it.

Talk about people

who don't return phone calls.

Hey, that's all water

under the bridge.

Or as I call it,

water under the car.

So, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome...

[ gear shifts ]

...They should

at least find you handy.

Oh, oh, oh.

I forgot.

This thing runs on high-test.

[ water splashes ]

there are a few things that

separate men from the animals.

We get to walk upright

and talk to good-looking women.

They get to live in the woods

and eat their young.

On the other hand,

we get to pay income tax,

and they get to lick themselves.

But the main thing we have

that the animals don't

is foresight --

the ability to predict the

long-term outcome of our actions

and change our behavior

accordingly.

[ chuckles ]

truth is, most men don't

start out with much foresight,

and the longer they live,

the less of it they retain.

It's why men have thoughts like,

"why would I stop for gas

when I still have 1/64

of a tank left?"

or, "I'll just leave

this drawer open

while I stick my head into

the cupboard directly below it."

or, "hey, if I feel this good

after two beers,

imagine how good I'll feel

after five."

we know we're gonna pay later,

but we do it anyway.

It's almost like

the guy we are right now

really doesn't like the guy

we will be 10 minutes from now.

And if you're married,

you not only suffer

from your lack of foresight,

you may have to put up

with an annoyed wife

who criticizes you for acting

without thinking

of the consequences.

Well, you just go ahead

and remind her

that she's not much better.

You're not the only one

who said, "I do."

or maybe that's just something

you and I can know

and not mention.

That's called foresight.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Roses are brown,

violets are smothered,

time to call rothschild's

before the whole lawn

is covered.

Man!

We go down to city hall to

get the permit for our air show.

Honest abe here

tells them

we're, like, re-creating

the london blitz.

Well, I think it's always best

to be completely truthful.

I can't wait

till you get married.

Well, you can't pretend

it's a picnic

and have all these antique

planes flying overhead,

dropping bombs

and everything.

I think

somebody might notice.

It's no wonder

we were refused a permit.

Yeah, so, okay.

Now I need a different plan.

See, a true promoter

always figures a way out.

What would p.T. Barnum do

if he lived in possum lake?

Move.

Wait a minute.

[ chuckles ]

oh, no.

What do we have here

in possum lake, harold?

Inbreeding.

We have

a model airplane club.

We'll put on the air show

using model airplanes. Huh?

Oh!

Yeah.

Oh, oh! Oh!

Why didn't I think of that?!

Oh, I know why!

'cause it's ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous.

It's brilliant, harold.

Okay?

People will come

to an air show.

Model planes will fly by

up near the sun

so they're squinting.

They got themselves

an air show.

People see

what they want to see.

Yeah, but what about

what they hear?

Huh?

I mean,

a real plane goes...

[ imitates airplane engine

roaring ]

model airplane goes...

[ imitates model airplane

engine buzzing ]

I don't think

people are that gullible.

Oh, sure they are.

You got engaged.

Oh.

Red: Boy, I wish bill

would stay sitting down.

Anyway, can't do anything

about that now.

We're on our way over

to one of these places

where they have

these rope-ride things.

I don't know what you call them.

But bill's door

was kind of jammed,

so I came to help him, and he...

Well, you know.

He's out. Okay.

No harm done.

No harm done.

Okay, some harm done.

He points something.

There's the --

like the demonstrator guy,

and it's way up on a pole,

and what he does is

he hooks kind of a tether

onto this line,

and then away he goes, and...

I wasn't quite sure

why we're here, but...

Well, I thought,

yeah, okay, that's good.

But bill was really excited

about it and -- ow!

And, uh,

so the fella comes over,

and, uh, for some reason,

he hands me the harness

and the helmet.

I don't know -- no -- what?

What? No.

I don't -- no, no.

They both seem to have

the impression

that I would be

somehow interested

in doing something

along that line, and --

no, I know, bill.

You're so excited.

You know what?

You go 12 times,

and then I'll think about it.

No, he's think--

no, no, I'm saying,

"no, you go."

no, no. Then, okay.

So I got an idea.

So, uh, call heads or tails.

Okay, heads or tails.

Now, bill's got to make

a decision.

That's heads and then...

Now he makes it tails

and then...

Back to heads and then...

Tails, tails.

I see my life passing

in front of my eyes.

So finally I say,

"I don't have a coin anyway.

It doesn't matter."

so...

Now he tries to go up the pole.

Bill, this may not be the pole

that you really want to climb.

And the way it works

with these rope things,

you don't actually climb up.

They have, like,

the tether rope,

and it comes down

and hooks onto your harness,

and then you get somebody

to pull down, which would be me,

and that's supposed

to lift you up. Well...

You know what?

There's -- ohh.

All right, I --

but I just didn't --

you know, when you get them

to a certain height,

and you can't get your hands

to go up and over,

and, uh, what am I gonna do?

I...

You know, I'm thinking to myself

there's got to be a better way.

And there is.

So, uh, bill gets up on top

of the little stand there,

and he -- I mean,

I had to admire his courage.

He was...

No, I'm saying I have to admire

your courage, bill.

Oh, I can't watch this.

It just --

come on, bill.

Come on.

Bill, come on, come on.

I'm not coming up there for you.

You might as well go.

You might as well jump.

So finally,

he just gives it a go and...

Doesn't go so good.

He starts heading for the van.

[ crashes ]

oh!

And the tether rope flies up

and hits the high-tension wire.

And, uh, boy, bill has --

has never looked

so electrically charged up

there.

Ohh!

All right.

And that's bill's adventure.

You see a lot of unusual things

in people's bathrooms.

It's fun to look, actually.

But one thing you hardly

ever see is a smoke detector.

I guess it reminds them

of being on a plane.

I don't know.

But to me, that's shortsighted.

Now, you may be thinking,

"I won't be able to hear that

smoke alarm from the bedroom,"

or "where am I gonna smoke

so the kids won't see me now?"

or, "change the channel, honey."

but hey, smoke detectors

are not only sensitive to smoke,

they're also sensitive to steam.

And nothing steams me more

than houseguests taking showers

that are too long, too hot,

and too expensive.

Long, hot, and expensive

are three things

that are never good,

unless you're talking about

one of those late-night movies

on cable.

Here's how to shorten

those showers.

Once you have installed

the smoke detector,

get yourself one of these

sound-activated,

goofy-looking dolls

that dance like old man sedgwick

after he's had

a couple mai tais.

[ tape stretching ]

you know, the santa doll's

a great choice

because most of our houseguests

come at christmas,

making peace on earth

that much harder.

Now, I've asked harold

to take a shower --

a hot shower for a change --

so I can demonstrate

my brilliance.

The steam will trigger

the smoke alarm,

the smoke alarm will trigger

the dancing santa,

and the dancing santa

will trigger harold.

[ water running ]

[ harold humming ]

[ smoke alarm beeping ]

whoo!

[ toilet flushes ]

harold:

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

[ chuckles ]

harold: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ho ho ho.

[ chuckles ]

ooh, ooh, ooh!

Harold:

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

[ model airplane engine

buzzing ]

[ airplane crashes ]

well,

that was a fun day.

That was not my fault,

harold.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Of course not.

You just dive-bombed

1,000 people

with 20 gas-powered

model airplanes.

Everything else

was just bad luck.

Okay.

See, the problem was

that the models looked too tiny

way up in the sky,

so I told the operators

to bring them down low

so they looked like

real planes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They may have overreacted.

Yeah, I think --

I think flying

under the picnic tables

was probably a mistake,

you know.

There were some injuries.

Yeah,

buster hadfield's afraid

he won't be able

to have children.

Yeah.

Hey, lucky for them.

Ooh.

I couldn't believe

how mad everybody got.

Here I am,

trying to entertain people,

and all they could do

is complain

about getting

their clothes shredded.

I mean, who wears good clothes

to an air show anyway?

They just wanted

their money back.

Well, I was very fair,

harold.

I told them a model airplane

is 10% the size of a real plane,

so I gave them 10%

of their money back.

And there was no damage,

harold.

Plus, all 20 planes

have been accounted for.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Just 19 of them, actually.

Ohh!

[ model airplane engine

buzzing ]

whew!

[ screeching ]

meeting time,

uncle red baron.

Well, thank you, stupid.

That's red baron

and snoopy.

I know.

So, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and today I learned

that you should always choose

the real thing over a model.

So, aren't you glad that you

married me instead of a model?

I'll lie if you will.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and snoopy

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

Captioning made possible by

acorn media

[ screeching ]

man: Sit down.

Sit down.

All rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

All: I'm a man...

But I can change...

If I have to...

I guess.

Red: All right, men.

In fairness

to the model airplane club,

I need some volunteers

to help glue all the airplanes

back together.

Now, we're gonna be working

in a well-ventilated area,

which, with you guys,

is never a bad idea.