Mad You Say/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You ever notice how

technology sucks us in

and then ridicules us?

Like back in the '50s,

if you were the first one

to have a tv antenna

on your roof,

you got a lot of respect.

These days, if you're the

last house to have one,

you get a lot

of bird droppings.

You know it's ugly

and you know you're

not using it anymore

'cause now you're on cable

or even better, you're on

your neighbour's cable,

but how do you get

the antenna off there?

You're getting a little

long in the tooth

to be climbing up on the roof

what with the bad knees

and the higher

center of gravity.

But you still

got imagination.

So go down to the wreckers

and get yourself

a steering wheel.

Not just any

steering wheel...

The kind that has the

personal airbag in the middle.

You know the ones where

if you hit a pothole

the bag explodes and breaks

your nose so you don't get hurt.

Now just slide the steering

wheel into a garbage can,

and then aim the whole unit

at the tv aerial.

Now you need a projectile

of some kind.

Here's a hint, don't think

of it as an antenna,

think of it as a headpin.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Well, thank you.

No, no.

I appreciate that.

Big, big week up at

the lodge this week.

I bought a side of beef,

478 pounds of vein-

clogging cholesterol.

Yep.

I bought a whole half a cow

including one horn

and two hooves.

Yeah.

Got it for 38 bucks.

Don't ask, I didn't.

So now we're going

to have a massive cookout,

light a shed on fire,

get a gallon of bbq sauce

and a paint roller

and we're good to go.

Uncle red!

Uncle red!

Uncle red!

What? What? What?

I was downstairs.

I was downstairs.

I was downstairs, right?

I was downstairs.

There's like a cow

in the freezer.

It winked at me.

Harold, it

didn't wink.

It's only got

one eye, okay.

I bought half a cow.

How many times have

I told you,

don't half

a cow, man.

I said half a cow.

I said that.

I said it.

You know how

tongs work, harold?

Yeah, okay,

all right.

I don't know why you need

that much red meat anyway.

You know, being a vegetarian

is much healthier.

Oh yeah, well that cow

was a vegetarian.

How's her health?

You like math,

try these

numbers, okay?

I got that side of pure

beef for 38 bucks, okay?

It'll feed 300 lodge members

at 10 bucks a head.

Okay, that's a $3000 return

on a $38 investment.

I got 2962,

what did you get?

That's close enough.

Okay, all right.

Why, what's

the problem?

Well, I just wondered who

would sell you an entire

side of beef for $38?

Flinty mcclintock.

What!

No, nope, don't make

a big deal out of this.

I might want

to buy more.

Have you ever considered

that perhaps that

the meat is bad?

You know, like it's all

gristly or something?

It's 478 pounds of beef

and it cost $38, harold.

Stop looking for trouble.

So flinty mcclintock,

one of the few successful

entrepreneurs in

the entire area

just didn't know

the value of the meat.

Well, I don't even care.

When I'm happy I don't look

for ways to kill the mood.

So you figure you just

got this great bargain

from flinty

because, hey, sometimes

you should just let

an idiot

do what he

needs to do.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, do what you

need to do then.

[ cheers and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner

receives this coupon

for procrastination

therapy.

Please note that tomorrow's

meeting has been postponed.

All right, mike,

cover your ears.

Red, you've

got 30 seconds

to get mike hamar

to say this word...

All right, winston.

And go!

Okay mike, what do you

call it when you've got

a bunch of guys all

wearing the same uniform?

A chain gang.

Ah, okay, okay.

The nhl, the nfl, the nba

are all made up of what?

Letters.

Yeah, okay, okay.

But all of the

players are on...

Steroids.

Okay.

Mike, you know, when you

were a kid at recess,

you were

picked by a...

Witness.

Okay, okay, okay.

Sometimes the coach will

say to the players,

there's no "I" in...

Potato?

No.

Okay, no.

There's another

expression okay,

"take one for the..."

road!

You guys are almost

out of time here.

I know, mike.

Your brother played semi-pro

football on one of these.

Oh, a weekend pass.

No, I'm talking about

the port asbestos inhalers,

that was his...

Well, I don't

know, mr. Green,

because I never went

to those games.

The stadium was always

teeming with cops.

There we go!

It was in there!

When you first get married

you figure, at last,

I have someone to bring

me drinks and snacks

and whatever I want

whenever I want it.

Then you find out she's

thinking the same thing,

which is why

you have kids.

But then they move out,

and after you

finally admit

that dogs and cats are not

all that trainable,

you're faced with

the big decision...

Give up your dreams

or build a robot.

For my robot I'm going to use

this wireless video camera

that sends a

signal to my tv

so that I can direct the unit

to wherever I want it to go

from the comfort of

my own living room.

I just need to

mount the camera

on something

strong but light.

The exact opposite

of every guy I know.

How easy was that?

Everything else I'll get

from my own back yard...

Or somebody's back yard.

Meet my new

ladder robot,

see-thru-peephole,

and like so many of man's

great inventions,

I had to make a bit

of a compromise here.

See, I'm using this radio

antenna for his

extendable arm

but I needed a way for

it to move up and down

and side tde.

I thought there might be

a way to mount the unit

onto a windshield wiper

motor for the up and down

and then to mount

that whole thing

onto another wiper motor

for the side to side.

I'm sure there's

a way to do that,

but I was starting to get

a really bad headache.

So instead I

mounted the antenna

on just one wiper motor

but at kind of an angle

so it goes up and down

and side to side

at the same time.

It does two things at once

but not very well.

Kind of like when

madonna took up acting.

I'm running everything

off a car battery

and I control the wiper motor

and the antenna and the camera

with this

custom controller.

They're actually just

garage door openers

but you'd never know.

Just need a couple more things

to make him completely human

like a fondue fork

for the end of his canadarm

so he can stab things

and a crowbar to guarantee

unrestricted access.

The only job left

is to figure out a

way to make him mobile.

Problem solved.

I got a couple of heavy-duty

radio-controlled toys

and mounted them

as the robot's wheels.

The clothes make him

look almost human...

Like moose thompson.

He can go forwards,

backwards

and I can steer it

which is always helpful.

Heck, if I put one vehicle in

drive and the other in reverse,

I could make him spin

right on the spot.

And thanks to my

video camera,

I can see everything he's

doing right here on my tv

and that's how you make

your very own robot valet.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

And now for

a demonstration,

my cyborg will bring me

a nice, light repast.

This is like one

of those doctors

doing a fancy

surgical procedure.

This is a snackandectomy.

Houston, the

eagle has landed.

[ motors whirring ]

bernice:

Thank you, dear.

I want to talk

to you guys out there

who leave everything

to the last minute.

You know who you are.

By the time you got around

to buying your wife

a birthday present

the only shops open were

the 7-11 and the liquor store.

Remember how upset she was

with the bottle of gin

and the pez dispenser?

I think I know why men leave

things to the last minute...

Sports and movies.

In any professional game,

the closer they get to the

end the longer it takes,

all the time outs and

penalties and commercials.

No sports fan has any idea

of what two minutes left

means in real life.

And to a man, movies are

kind of like being intimate.

The best things

happen at the end.

Until then, there's really

no need to pay much attention.

But in the last

60 seconds of a movie,

the hero bites

through the steel chains,

leg wrestles a dinosaur

and rescues a beautiful maiden

just before she marries

the game show host.

But this procrastination

habit of yours

is making life difficult for

the people you care about

and you should

work on that

but you won't.

So instead, turn

your watch ahead.

And if you're really bad,

turn your calendar ahead.

Remember, I'm

pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

Household appliances

are great,

but when it

comes to sewage,

your hoover

isn't worth a damn.

Well, the beef barbeque

is a sell out,

300 guys,

10 bucks a head.

Boy, some men just

love beef, eh?

Moose thompson asked

for a drumstick.

Uncle red!

Uncle red!

I think you have

a problem here.

Yeah, I know but it wasn't

nice to lock you out.

No, I'm talking about

that cheap beef

you bought from

flinty mcclintock.

I think there may be

something wrong with it.

Why is there always

something wrong

with everything

I do, harold?

Just bad luck, I figure.

I don't --

harold, take a look

at this hamburger, eh.

That's right off

the side of beef.

Look how

perfect that is.

Appearance

isn't important.

Well, of course

you'd say that.

Tell me, what's wrong

with that quarter-pounder.

Have you ever heard

of mad cow disease?

I just got back from

flinty mcclintock's herd.

They don't look right.

Well, you just said

appearance is not

important.

No, but posture is.

Have you ever noticed

those cows?

They can't even

stand up straight.

Maybe that just means

it's lean meat.

No, I saw those cows,

they walk in circles

and they bark.

Uncle red, you know,

I sent a sample

of this meat

off to the lab, okay.

Why don't we just wait

for the results to come back?

Harold, there's nothing

wrong with the meat.

Don't ruin my barbeque.

Oh, nothing wrong

with the meat.

No.

Nothing wrong

with the meat.

No.

Okay, well, then you

eat some yourself.

Well, I will.

I'll do that.

Okay.

I'll take a bite and then

you just see if I get weird.

How will I tell?

[ applause ]

red: Bill and I were

just cleaning up our

campsite there

and packing everything up

into a wheel barrow

and my job was to

put out the fire.

I was just going to kick

some dirt on to the fire --

never good enough

for bill, you know,

mr. Safety's got

a problem --

bill, that's not water,

that's gas.

Don't be pouring that

on the fire.

So he just chucks --

notices starts to pour gas

right into the pile

of dirt over there

and then I carry on packing

things up and he picks up

the can of water

which unfortunately

was also gas.

Throws my bed roll

on top of it.

Thank you very much

for that, bill.

Okay, plan c.

I just ignore bill sometimes,

it's just easier and safer.

He goes into

the shed and gets

I believe some type of

fire extinguisher...

Yeah, fire extinguisher

and a little --

one of those small units.

They pack a punch

those little jobs.

Okay, all right, plan d.

A bigger fire extinguisher.

These are the co2.

What they do is they put

carbon dioxide out

and that smothers the fire

by taking all the oxygen

out of the air.

So bill's just going

to do that to --

no, bill, there's a pin.

There's a pin on the unit.

You pull the pin --

yeah.

So now bill took a lungful

of carbon dioxide.

He needs some air

I figure just little --

give him a little bit of air

and he's fine but

the fire's still going.

So where are we now?

Plan e, plan e.

Yeah, all right.

Meanwhile, I'm almost finished

getting the place cleaned up

and ready to go.

He's got some --

okay, baking soda, that's

another fire retardant.

Speaking of retardants.

Nope, didn't do it.

Didn't do it, bill.

So now what are

we going to do?

No no bill.

No, no, bill, no, no.

You're just spreading cinders

all over the place there.

No, we've got to...

Oh good, good call.

There we go.

That's the best use that

coffee ever had, believe me.

All right, plan f, this one

scares me just by the letter.

So bill goes into the shed

and he gets

a couple of shovels.

The idea is we're going

to use the same idea

as kicking the dirt on

but if we get a shovelful...

So he gives me one shovel

and says, you go over there.

Get some dirt from over there.

I'll get dirt from right here.

I think you --

right where the gasoline

had spilled into the... Yeah.

Meanwhile,

just very simple,

I come over with some dry,

clean dirt and just

put it on there.

She's out.

Done.

Everything's cool.

Gone. Done.

Done, bill, done.

See.

If you leave it to a pro,

everything works out.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, here's a predicament

that many of you may

find yourselves in.

Let's say your

mother-in-law's coming over

but wait, there's more.

You don't have a picture

of her on display

or at least not on display

in a way she would appreciate.

The problem is,

you need to have

certain pictures around

when a person comes over

but you don't want to be

subjected to their mug

on a permanent basis.

So here's what you do.

Take a picture

out of the frame,

flip it around

to the other side.

That becomes

your screen.

That screen is for your

hidden slide projector.

So you just fill this up

with whatever pictures

you need for your

family get-togethers

but you also have your own

favourites in there

for when

they're not here.

Which, if you play

your cards right,

is most of the time.

For example, I've got some

slides of bernice's mom

from our trip to the zoo

about a month ago.

I'll just pop

one of those up

and keep peace

in the family.

[ knock at door ]

that's bernice's mom now.

C'mon in, mom.

I got your picture out.

She's going to love this.

[ footsteps approaching ]

[ applause ]

c'mon harold, this is

perfectly good --

this is

perfectly good --

throw it all on!

Get rid of it all!

But it's -- it's --

look at that, it's --

every last bit of it!

You can't trust it.

There you go.

Almost.

All of it.

Perfect.

Can't believe it.

478 pounds

of beef, man...

I put all the meat

on the campfire,

just couldn't serve

it to the people

what with all that

mad cow thing going on

and I gave them

all a refund.

Yeah, only after I told

them all about the problem.

You know, you did

the right thing.

You should do

that more often.

Yeah, maybe I should but

I think you'd miss me.

Well, I'm proud

of you.

You know, even before we

got the test results back,

you know, you did the

right thing and that's

very good.

I could just give

you such a hug.

No, no, harold.

No, no. No!

I'm very proud of you.

Well, you know,

harold, in fairness,

you were the one who

pointed out the problem

and I know sometimes

I can be a little

difficult.

You're impossible.

I know sometimes I can

be a little difficult

but you pushed

through that

and I guess,

in a way --

I mean, a way

of looking at

would be to say,

you know

I'm kind of,

you know,

well -- I'm --

I'm -- I'm --

I'm proud of

you too, harold.

Red,

we're okay!

Is this

a bad time?

No, no, no,

no, no, no.

What do you

mean, we're okay?

The results are back.

It's not

mad cow disease.

No, the feed corn

at the cattlery

was in the

silo too long

and it turned

to alcohol.

The cows were drunk.

Oh no, no, no.

Not drunk,

marinated.

You know

what that means,

we can serve the

beef after all.

Yeah!

Might be a little

too well done.

And too

hard to find.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Why, thank you,

harold

and as always,

it's such a treat

to have you

to tell

me what to do.

You're welcome.

So if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

I did something today

I'd never done before...

I erred on the

side of caution.

That won't be happening

any time soon.

For the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge...

Keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, everybody,

have a seat now.

C'mon, guys.

Guys, c'mon,

take your seats.

Sit down.

Everybody sit

down over there.

C'mon guys,

sit down.

Okay, sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man

but I can change

if I have to

I guess.

Okay, men, the side

of beef blowing up

has made a bit of an impact

into our community.

We figure about 200 pounds

of hamburger hit possum lake

so... The fish may not

be biting for a while

and stinky peterson got

drilled in the face

with a rump roast.

His wife says he

never looked better.

And the dog

comes to him now.

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