The Beer Project/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Beer Project

Intro
{Red stands fishing by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: If you do an anthropological study of civilizations through history, you'll find that men historically have five basic needs: food, shelter, clothing, sex, and alcoholic beverages. {the title "The Beer Project" is displayed} And sometimes, those last two are reversed. Alcohol is very ceremonial, for toasting at dinner parties, for communion at church, they even drink booze at treaty signings. And when you see the kind of mess the world is in, it's pretty obvious that alcohol is involved somewhere in the negotiations. It just seems that whenever you get men together, you get fermentation. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Buzz looking at a piece of paper while Red stands nearby.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} On today's show...

''{Cut to Red swinging a pickax at a refrigerator. He hits the door of the freezer, where the pickax sticks.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...we're gonna show you how to brew your own beer.

{Cut to Dougie standing in a corner of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We got Dougie Franklin driving his monster truck around.

{Cut to Dalton, smiling and waving.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We get up close and personal with Dalton Humphrey...

''{Cut to Bill, wearing a lot of padding and a face mask, swinging a lacrosse racquet to unstick a lacrosse ball in it, causing it to fly through the air. Red tries to catch the ball with his own lacrosse racquet, but it's too high for him. It hits one of the Possum Van's rear-view mirrors and knocks it off, much to Red's annoyance.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Bill is gonna take a look at lacrosse, which is Canada's national sport, which I'm not.

Plot Segment 1
''{The camera pans through the lodge to Harold. The audience applauds.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And here he is, your hero, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} my uncle, Red Green!

''{Red enters, waving to everyone. Harold applauds and howls.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much! Thank you. And now, here's your antihero, Mr. Anti-Everything, with the exception of ante up, {points to Harold} my nephew, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Don't be jealous.

''{Harold plays his switcher. A monster truck, looking like Dougie's, zooms across the switcher.}''

HAROLD GREEN: I'm an electric magician.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Good. {points to switcher} Saw that thing in half, will ya? {to camera} Bit of a setback this week. The beer store called up and said that if we would pay our tab, they could repave the parking lot and buy a new fleet of trucks. And we kinda twigged onto the idea that perhaps we're spending a little too much money on beer.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I agree. I think everyone should just cut back on their consumption around here.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Cut back? Oh, no, no, we're gonna brew our own beer, Harold. {back to camera} All we need is {holds out left hand and points to fingers with right index finger} pure water, brewer's yeast, hops, barley, sugar and containers to put the beer in. We got everything but the pure water.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, maybe you should start by brewing small amounts. That would limit the size of a potential explosion.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Well, Harold, that's just not the way we do things around here, all right? You know, the ancient Romans brewed beer, Harold. {repeatedly prods Harold with index finger} In fact, every great western civilization brewed beer. Did you know that?

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to himself repeatedly} Yes, I did. {Red nods} And did you know that at some point, every great civilization collapsed? {holds up hands} Connection, perhaps?

RED GREEN: Harold, if it's good enough for Julius Caesar, it's good enough for Possum Lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: Veni, vidi, vomiti. I came, I saw, I ralphed. {plays switcher}

Segue: Dougie Franklin
{Dougie stands in a corner of the lodge.}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: You're watching The Red Green Show, and nobody can stop you!

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by banging two empty beer cans together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, we're out here squashing beer cans
 * In the middle of the night.
 * They go off like tomatoes
 * If the man just hits 'em right.
 * Yes, we love to squash those beer cans,
 * Drive 'em into the ground.
 * We just squashed a can of Perrier.
 * We're obviously getting too close to town.

Meet Your Member
''{Red is seated in a chair in another area of the lodge. Next to him is Dalton Humphrey. They are seated together around a table.}''

RED GREEN: Today on "Meet Your Member", we got the owner of Humphrey's Everything Store, Dalton Humphrey. {Dalton raises his hand briefly} Dalton is actually the only guy at the lodge who has a steady income.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, it's, uh, it's not what you make, it's what you spend there, Red. It's not what you pay, it's what you buy.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right. Maybe we'll just get away from that stuff, and you can tell us a little bit about, say, your family life, your background, growing up, y'know, that kinda thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, I, uh, I grew up very poor. Five kids in a one-room shack. And, uh, none of us had a stitch of clothing, 'cause drapes were cheaper.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh, sure, yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: And, uh, well, the eldest finally got some clothes, and, uh... 'course, I was the youngest, so all I got was hand-me-downs, and... I hated that. I hated it.

RED GREEN: Well, I had hand-me-downs; they're not that bad.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, all I had were sisters.

RED GREEN: Make it tough getting a date, I would think.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sure taught me the value of a dollar, I'll bet. Then, of course, I learned how to sew. And I married the girl who taught me how to sew.

RED GREEN: Oh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh yes. Of course, there was a nicer girl who lived across town. I liked her a lot better, but... well, not enough to justify the bus fare.

RED GREEN: Now, uh, now, your daughter. Tell us how she fits into the picture here. You haven't mentioned her yet.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, she's fine.

RED GREEN: Okay.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, she's– she's grown up now.

RED GREEN: Uh-huh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, she spends more on a dress than I spend on a car. Forty dollars on a dress! Can you believe that? Something...

RED GREEN: So she has money, then?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, she has my money.

RED GREEN: Oh!

Handyman Corner
{Red walks into his workshop, where a refrigerator stands.}

RED GREEN: Welcome to Handyman Corner. This week, with the brew-your-own-beer project going on, I thought I'd show you how to make a great addition to any bar, {leans against fridge} whether that bar be in your family room, your office, or your golf cart. You know, two things that you need at a bar is ice and water: water for mixing drinks, and ice to drop into people's shorts or into their hats, depending on where their hangover is. Now, you can buy one of them fancy fridges, got the ice and water dispenser built right in, but those babies are up to 200 bucks. {moves his hands over the fridge to approximate its size} Plus, they may not fit in the same space that you already got. {looks at fridge} For me, I'd have to clean out my fridge and take off all my messages, the phone numbers, the mortgage to my house, my will... So instead of that, I'm gonna show you how you can turn the fridge you got now into an ice-and-water-dispenser machine. All right, first thing you're gonna need for ice water is something for the cold water to flow through. {reaches over to take some garden hose lying behind him, knocking over a hubcap in the process} I'm thinking garden hose. "What's cold about a garden hose?" you're saying as you reach for the channel changer? Well, nothing, until you run it through the freezer. {taps freezer door with hose, then takes a pickax} All right, step one, drill a 3/4-inch hole right in the freezer for the hose to go through.

{Red swings the pickax at the freezer door, and it hits the door, puncturing it, and it sticks there.}

RED GREEN: Perfect.

''{He starts to struggle to pull the pickax off. Wipe to a later scene. The hose is now seen running through the hose, with duct tape covering up the hole around the hose. The fridge is heard humming. He is holding a huge beer glass labeled "BIG SWIG!"}''

RED GREEN: All right, I did the same thing at the back end there, so we got the garden hose going right through the freezer. {takes end of the hose, which has a nozzle on the end} Now, you're gonna want to control the flow and direction of your ice water, so I would say put the nozzle on there like that. Or, if you're a real fun guy, you can throw a sprinkler on there, you know, if your party guests are getting out of hand, like, maybe they want to play charades or something. All right, let's give her a try.

''{Red then squeezes, but nothing comes out, except for a small dribble. Red is perplexed}''

RED GREEN: That's odd.

{He opens up the freezer door, revealing that the hose is a frozen white.}

RED GREEN: Oh, my gosh. All right, there's a problem: she's frozen up solid there. So what we got to do is we got to, uh, put some insulation, I guess, around that hose to stop it from freezing inside there. You can use Styrofoam or fiberglass, but I'm thinking work socks.

{Later, Red is seen covering the hose in covered in socks.}

RED GREEN: All right, uh, luckily, I had holes in the toes, so they just thread right on there. {closes freezer door} Now, to make the ice-maker part of our refrigerator renovation, you're gonna need {takes ice cube tray and cupboard door handle off fridge} an ice cube tray and a cupboard door handle. So, while you go and get those, let's get back to the show for a few minutes. Man, my feet are freezing!

Commercial bumper
{Gord starts coming down the stairs of his watchtower.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Coming up, we got Ranger Gord coming down...

{Red and Harold are seen inside the lodge, where the latter is dialing a number on the phone}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and Harold's gonna teach me the politically correct way to invite people over. Like that's important!

Red's Poetry
{Red is seen wearing a plaid coat as he sits out by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: "Tiny Shoots" by me:


 * Tiny shoots come out of the ground.
 * Crocus and tulips and daffodils rise
 * To a height of 2-1/2 inches and are frozen in time...
 * Not by a late frost, but by an early lawn mower.

{In frustration, then, Red starts swatting at bugs that swarm around him.}

Segue: Dougie Franklin 2
{Dougie stands in a corner of the lodge.}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {crossing arms} It's very seldom that people like us get a chance to do a television show, and I thank you.

Segue: Dougie Franklin 3
{Dougie stands in a corner of the lodge.}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: If there's any eligible women out there, I'm available. And, uh, I'm happy to announce that I have the only monster truck, and the biggest one in the Possum Lake area. I prefer who are petite, blonde, and, uh, kind of on the slim side, and aren't afraid of loud noises.

Plot Segment 4
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ grunts ]

well, I don't know

what we did wrong,

but our first batch

of homemade beer

did not taste all that great.

Well, uncle red,

did you, like,

boil and sterilize all

the beer vats and beer bottles?

How do you mean?

Well,

you got to boil everything

to make sure all the germs

have been removed.

Well, we wiped them

on our shirts.

Our shirts are clean.

No, I mean,

you got to make sure

the canisters

are perfectly sterile.

Harold, the only thing

perfectly sterile up here

is old man sedgwick.

Besides, how can you boil

a hot tub?

Okay,

but you know what happens

if you get

any one of those unwanted,

nasty, little germs

and bacteria.

Yeah, they end up

producing your show.

[ engine revs ]

very seldom that people like us

get a chance to do a television

show, and, well, thank you.

Red: Ranger gord?

Well, we're up here

at fire tower 13.

But, uh, ranger gord

is obviously not around,

so let's go, harold.

Gord: Red! Red!

Red! Hi!

I thought I missed you!

Wait, wait, wait.

Hi, harold.

Uh, to all you young people

out there, listen up!

I'm gonna be starting, uh,

a nature club up here

for all the young people

of possum lake.

Gonna be called

the possum pack.

So every week you guys

are gonna come up here.

We're gonna be

learning about nature,

and we're gonna have snacks

and juice

and, huh, and, uh,

we're gonna teach you

about the great outdoors,

and you're gonna

be able to earn badges

for passing certain tests.

Well, I think

that's a great idea, gord.

Any time you can pass your kid

off on another adult,

I say go for it.

But actually, gord,

I wanted to ask you

some questions here.

What kind of a degree is it

that you have?

Uh, general arts.

Yeah. All right.

So, we're making

our own beer,

and we need to find a source

of pure spring water.

Sure.

Finding water.

There's something

that the possum pack

could earn a badge for.

Oh, you're gonna have

lots of badges, are you?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

There's a solitaire badge

if you learn how to play five

different games of solitaire.

There's a badge for taking

a long hike on your own

then reflecting.

There's a badge

for cooking for one.

Uh, shadow puppets.

Huh.

Uh, and there's one

for learning how to have

a meaningful conversation

with your echo.

Oh.

What about fires, gord?

That would be

a good badge there,

because fires is gonna be

a big part of their lives

up here at possum lake.

Great idea.

Yeah.

We could have -- you could have

putting out fires in cars.

Good.

Uh, putting out fires

in boats.

Right.

Putting out fires

on rivers.

All right.

Rivers?

Remember last year --

stinky peterson's

leaky boat tank,

gasoline all over the river,

wall of flame 100 feet high,

2 miles long.

You must have seen that.

No.

Oh.

No, I missed it.

Oh.

Of course, it wasn't technically

a forest fire.

You know, it'll come

as no surprise to most of us

that many men in the '90s

do not know how to communicate.

Oh, uncle red.

Okay, please come in.

We're just about to demonstrate

the correct way

to graciously invite someone

over to your house for dinner.

Well, harold,

when a guy wants to

invite somebody over graciously,

he gets his wife to do it.

Yes, but we're gonna change

all that.

Uncle red,

would you call me?

Invite me over to your house

Saturday night.

No.

Why not?

Well, you might come.

Okay, okay. We're pretending.

We're pretending.

[ groans ]

[ cellphone ringing ]

well, aren't you

gonna answer it?

I never answer the phone

on the first ring.

[ ringing continues ]

okay, now I'm getting up,

and I'm walking across.

Hello.

Harold, you doing anything

Saturday night?

Saturday night.

I don't think so.

All right, come on over

for dinner around 7:00.

Excellent.

Can I bring something?

Bye.

And remember,

we're just pretending.

[ dial tone ]

[ cellphone beeps ]

good.

Very good.

That's what we'll call

the completely wrong way.

He didn't even say

who was calling.

He could see

I was talking to him.

You still have to tell a person

who's calling.

And he didn't say, you know,

is it a special occasion.

Is it a party?

Is it an anniversary?

It's Saturday night.

The game will be on tv.

Didn't mention that

to me.

The game's always on tv

Saturday night.

Okay, well, he didn't say

if I had to bring anything

like, you know, dessert or

a gift or who's gonna be there.

Casual, formal.

Wa-a-a!

Now I will demonstrate

the correct procedure

for phoning someone.

[ dialing ]

[ telephone buzzes ]

yeah?

Hello, uncle red, it is I,

your nephew harold green.

Who gave you my number?

Very good, thank you.

And how are you today?

Busy.

Oh, isn't that

just wonderful?

Yes, it is a lovely day,

isn't it?

Not really. No.

The reason I'm calling,

uncle red,

is to invite you

over to dinner.

When?

Well, I thought we'd just have

some mutual friends.

When?

Nothing fancy,

of course.

You know, just, like, some

pot-luck dinner kind of thing.

When?

And we'll all sit around.

We'll watch some old slides

of my bus trip to brantford.

When?

Uh, when?

Well, that's Saturday night.

Oh, nope.

Can't do it.

I just invited somebody over

for dinner Saturday night.

Bye.

[ dial tone ]

[ film projector clicking ]

Coming up,

we got dougie franklin

with a personal question,

and buzz sherwood says the

answer is blowing in the wind.

[ gags ]

well, our second batch of beer

didn't really work out

any better than the first.

Can't understand how the romans

could brew beer and we can't.

Maybe we should have

a toga party.

Did you add enough sugar?

I mean,

did you let the beer brew

and ferment for two weeks?

Two weeks?

Who has that kind of time?

Uncle red,

you got to do it.

Well, don't they have

like a minute beer?

Wa-a-a!

Oh, I'm sorry.

You cannot make

a fine-quality lager

with, like, you know,

kool-aid technology.

All right, all right.

Well, we'll try it again.

Actually, this time,

we have a real proper vat

to brew the beer in.

A real beer vat,

one where you can

let the beer brew and ferment

for two weeks?

Okay, not

a real proper vat. No.

But there's a starch factory

up on backbend road.

They got a water tower there

full to the brim

with pure rainwater.

We can mix the beer in there.

And to heat it up?

Well, this is the beauty.

The starch plant

has been condemned.

So we can torch it,

boil the beer.

I'll tell you something.

In two weeks, we're gonna have

15,000 gallons of beer.

We're gonna call it

"arson ale."

oh, uncle red,

that's a really big factory.

What if the fire gets out of

control and starts to spread?

How are you gonna get

the fire out?

Wa-a-a!

With the beer.

Okay, well,

how are you gonna get the beer

from the tower

to where the fire is?

We'll drink it and use

our bodies as fire trucks.

All right,

but watch out for back drafts.

[ engine revs ]

if there's any eligible women

out there, I'm available.

And, uh, I'm happy to announce

I have the only monster truck

and the biggest one

in the possum lake area.

I prefer women

who are petite, blond,

and, uh, kind of

on the slim side

and aren't afraid

of loud noises.

[ duck quacks ]

welcome back.

All right, we're gonna continue

on with the ice-making part

of our refrigeration renovation

thing here,

and like I said before,

you need an ice-cube tray

and a cupboard-door handle.

Now, you take

the cupboard-door handle,

and you mount that to the inside

of the top of the freezer,

way at the back, though,

all right?

Then you hang your ice-cube tray

onto the door handle

with the hook right like that,

exactly, absolutely,

exactly like that.

All right, we got the, uh,

door handle mounted in there,

and I'm gonna hang

the ice-cube tray on that,

and I've, uh,

put some duct tape on here,

sticky side up,

so that I can actually

stick the tray

to the inside of the ceiling

of the freezer.

You know, the possum lodge

members up at rankin inlet

tell me that, uh, duct tape

won't stick when it's frozen.

Well, that's good.

Because what it means is when

the ice cubes are all frozen,

the duct tape's gonna let go,

and the tray will fall back

and rest against the inside

of the back of the freezer.

Now, on the outside of

the back of the freezer,

right where that tray's gonna

be, we mount this paddle.

And we just, uh,

mount it at the bottom

so it's nice and springy.

When you want an ice cube,

you just pull back on the paddle

and let her go.

Thwack --

there we are.

Of course, the ice cube's got to

get out of the freezer somehow,

so what you got to do

is put a hole in the front door,

right directly in front

of where that tray is hanging.

You can cut that with tin snips,

of course,

but first of all,

you're gonna need a pilot hole.

Right tool for the right job.

There we go.

Let's test-drive a cocktail.

I took the liberty of, uh,

filling the ice-cube tray up

with water there,

and I duct-taped her

to the inside

of the ceiling of the freezer,

so ice cubes are forming

as we speak.

All righty,

now add a little bit of water.

Oh, don't want to drown it.

Okay, the ice may take

a few minutes here.

So while we're waiting,

I want you to remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ ice rattles ]

oh, there we go.

The ice man cometh.

[ sproing! ]

[ twang! ]

[ whip! ]

[ ricochet! ]

perfect.

Well, we're supposed to be here

to see buzz sherwood

and get some air-safety tips,

but I have no idea where he is.

No.

Whoa!

Yo, red man!

What are you doing here?!

Well, buzz, you're supposed to

be talking to the viewers

about air safety.

Oh, relax, red.

You know me.

I always fly by

the seat of my pants!

This is my schedule.

I guess it's why I'm always

a little behind.

[ laughs ]

yeah, I got nothing on here

about air safety.

I got plane maintenance

and people I have to pick up,

uh, and supplies

I got to deliver.

Oh, yeah, great. Thanks.

I got nothing on here

about air safety.

I would have

written it down.

What the --

[ spitting ]

what's that -- I can't --

I can't read it.

Hold that out for me.

Hold that out for me.

There, what's that --

what's that say?

It says --

I got binoculars

in the van.

"pick up geologist

on far-flung lake."

oh, I should have

done that yesterday.

[ laughs ]

uh, "fuel up the plane."

yeah, yeah.

And "talk to red

about air safety!"

I completely forgot.

Well, you know,

you got me working so hard

water-bombing

that starch plant, right.

Now, I did the hops.

I dumped some hops

in the water tower,

and now I'm gonna --

I'm gonna do the yeast.

Yeah.

So we're laughing.

You know, that's fine.

That's fine.

But, buzz...

Air safety --

right, right. Okay.

Air safety.

[ coughs ]

[ sniffs, coughs ]

rule number one

about flying.

Yeah.

Never ever...

Fly into a tornado...

Yeah.

That's it.

All right, uh,

there you have it.

Uh, thank you so much,

buzz,

for putting the time and effort

into that presentation.

Very much appreciate it.

Thank you.

Hey, no sweat, man!

Good to see you! Bye!

[ laughs ]

[ engine turns over ]

rock 'n' roll!

There you have it.

Buzz sherwood for us.

Hey, you forgot your papers!

Buzz, you forgot your --

[ liquid dripping ]

[ groans ]

well, the homemade beer project

was, I guess, a blowout.

[ laughs ]

I thought you were

trying to make a dry beer.

[ laughs ]

I heard it was raining beer foam

all over rock reef point.

Well,

it started out okay.

I mean, junior singleton mixed

everything up in a wheelbarrow,

and then buzz flew over

in a plane,

dropped her down

into the water tower,

and then we sealed her up snug

and tight down there.

We started the plant on fire.

Everything was going great.

And then she turned into what

I believe they call an inferno.

I knew something was wrong

when I saw the sides of the

tower bulging out into a sphere.

[ laughs ]

and then she blew,

big time.

Old man sedgwick

went kind of strange on us.

He got up, and he said, "I

am death, destroyer of worlds."

and there was

a big shock wave,

knocked us all flat,

shattered all the empties.

When we woke up,

it was real strange.

We all stunk like beer, but

nobody was singing irish songs.

Too bad you missed it,

uncle red.

The best part -- the beer

actually put the fire out.

It was so cool.

You know, but the liquid --

I mean, it instantaneously

vaporized, right.

But there was this huge cloud

of beer gas

wafting over the forest.

Wa-a-a!

Yeah, buster said the animals

were acting real weird.

Birds were falling

out of trees.

Rabbits were having

fistfights.

Bears were belching

trees flat.

[ screeching ]

oh, it's meeting time,

uncle red.

Yeah, you go.

I'll be a little while, harold.

My underwear would set off

a breathalyzer machine.

Right.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And I'll tell you something,

honey.

I am off the air until

probably this time tomorrow.

And for the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching.

Until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise! All right!

Attention!

All: Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

Got big news.

We found a satellite

in the back.

Gonna bring it here.

Set it up. Set it up.

The satellite.

Don't pull it.