Dalton's Hot Gift/Transcript

The complete transcript for Dalton's Hot Gift

Opening Scene
{Outside the lodge, Red, wearing a big coat, walks past the Possum Van, dragging with him a caddy with a golf bag full of golf clubs on it.}

RED GREEN: You know, people are always surprised to find out that I enjoy a game of golf. I think it's the idea of being outdoors, with lots of wide open spaces and a bag full of assorted weapons. And when it's finally spring after a long, cold winter, well, {chuckles} the itch is pretty unbearable. And the same thing with golf. {walks up to a tarp, covered with junk, tied to a nearby fence} But of course, many of us who have chosen marital bliss as an alternate lifestyle are not free to go golfing until the yard is cleaned up of all the winter flotsam and jetsam.

''{Red takes out a golf club and a tee and stoops down next to the tarp. It has some rope tied to it, with a sock tied to the other end of the rope. He sticks the tee in the ground next to the sock.}''

RED GREEN: Meanwhile, my neighbor, {gestures toward other side of fence} who owns the property on the other side of that fence and is a less sensitive, more chauvinistic kind of a guy, has already teed off, in, oh, so many ways. Here's what I do. {laughs, then gestures toward fence again} Before the winter even came, I tied this tarp to that same fence, and I laid the tarp over my yard to catch all the winter crap. {holds up sock tied to rope} Then I tied this edge up to an old work sock here. {reaches into coat pocket and pulls out golf ball, which he then drops into sock} All I gotta do is drop a golf ball down inside the sock, get her all the way down to the toe. {puts golf ball in sock on tee} And then I just tee her up nice, {takes golf club and stands back up} and suddenly, my rough becomes my neighbor's fairway. {gets into position} Fore!

''{Red swings the golf club at the sock and hits it. The sock drags on the rope as the ball goes over the fence, taking the sock, the rope and the tarp with all the junk on it with it. The junk on the tarp is thrown over onto the other side of the fence. The tarp, now free of the junk, falls back down over Red's side of the fence, while his neighbor's property now has the junk. Smiling with satisfaction, Red walks off, taking his caddy with him.}''

Intro
''{Red enters the lodge, waving. The audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. You know, I appreciate that. Well... {rubs hands together} kind of a disturbing week up at the lodge this week. We've got a bit of a crime wave going on up here. Petty theft, oddball stuff. Like, all of Junior Singleton's lawn ornaments were stolen. He's got a big collection of those fat people bent over. It's a real landmark up here. So now Junior and his wife had to spend the whole day bent over on their front lawn just so people could find their way around!

{The front door opens and Mike runs in hurriedly.}

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, Mr. Green!

RED GREEN: Yeah?

MIKE HAMAR: {running up to Red} Um, uh, uh, we're getting a gift for Dalton...

RED GREEN: Yeah?

MIKE HAMAR: ...and I was wondering if you'd be willing to chip in?

RED GREEN: Well, what's the gift? What's the gift for? And how much is it gonna cost me? {Mike opens his mouth to speak, but Red points to him before he can} Answer the last one first.

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, five bucks.

RED GREEN: All right, go on.

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, well, uh, Dalton's got, like, a big birthday coming up, and we thought we'd get him, like, a special gift.

RED GREEN: Uh-huh...

MIKE HAMAR: Only it's a surprise, so we– we don't want him to know about.

RED GREEN: Yeah, no, I understand the basic concept of a surprise, Mike. Sure, you can put me down for five bucks.

MIKE HAMAR: Ah, gee, thanks a lot, Mr. Green. I got this really great deal on this real special barbecue.

RED GREEN: Uh-huh...

MIKE HAMAR: And if I get twenty guys to cough up five bucks each...

RED GREEN: Yeah?

MIKE HAMAR: ...then we're, uh, we're there!

RED GREEN: Well, how many you got so far?

MIKE HAMAR: Just you.

RED GREEN: Oh. {nods, then points to Mike} What about yourself?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, sure, I'll think about it.

{Just then, Dalton enters the lodge and Mike sees him, becoming slightly anxious.}

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, oh, gotta go. {Red tries to shoo Mike out} Uh, mum's the word, okay?

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay. All right. {chuckles}

{Mike also chuckles as he runs past Dalton and out the door.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {suspiciously} Hey! What's going on?

RED GREEN: {trying to act nonchalantly, but not doing a good job of it} What? What? Nothing! It's not like it's anybody's birthday or anything.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {confused} I'm talking about theft, Red.

RED GREEN: What?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, somebody broke into my store and took the deluxe barbecue out of the window display. {Red becomes nervous as Dalton shakes his head} Holy smokes, I don't think I'm ever gonna get that back.

RED GREEN: {scratches neck and holds up index finger} Well, now, you just might, Dalton.

{Red heads for the front door as Dalton becomes confused.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: What? {runs after Red} Hey! Come back! Come back here!

The Possum Lodge Word Game
DALTON HUMPHREY: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

''{Dalton makes wild gesticulations. The camera pulls back to reveal Dalton standing behind the card table where Harold and Red are seated. Dalton then holds up a coupon for 12,000 gallons of crude oil.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: And today, the winner will get 12,000 gallons of Bunker C Crude Oil, to be picked up at your convenience! {chuckles, then looks closely at coupon in confusion} The oil is currently floating at the north end of Possum Lake... {suddenly brightens up} Oh, good, good! {to Red} Close your ears. {to Harold} Harold, you have thirty seconds to get your Uncle Red to say this word... {picks up word sign and turns it around to show audience; word is "Celibate"} "Celibate". {covers his mouth while giggling as he realizes what the word is} "Celibate"! {laughs, then tries to regain control of himself as he sets sign} And go!

{Red uncovers his ears.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, okay, Uncle Red, what do you call a person who's never had any form of sexual activity?

RED GREEN: Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {offended} I don't have to be here for this, you know!

RED GREEN: {making a "hurry up" motion with his hand} Alright, c'mon, c'mon!

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all right. Um... No, it's not a name, but it is a descriptive word for someone who doesn't have sex.

RED GREEN: Ugly.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no. This is a part of someone's life when– when they– they're not interested in intimate contact...

RED GREEN: Death?

HAROLD GREEN: No. No. Okay, it's a– it's a decision they make!

RED GREEN: All right.

HAROLD GREEN: A decision they make, and they say, {holds up hands} "No! No! No, no sexual activity for me, please, because I'm..."

RED GREEN: "...married."

{Behind them, Dalton nods in rueful agreement, while the audience cheers.}

HAROLD GREEN:' No. Okay, most religious workers are this...

RED GREEN: Tax exempt?

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} Tax exempt?! Why would you even think tax exempt?!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {twirling his hand in a "hurry up" motion} Time's almost up!

HAROLD GREEN: ''Haw! {grunts in frustration}'' Okay, okay. Uncle Red? Um... Okay, what do you do during trout season to earn extra money?

RED GREEN: Sell bait.

''{With a wry expression on his face, Harold rings the bell to end the game.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {exasperated at the choice of words} Oh, come on!

{While Dalton is protesting to Harold, however, Red defiantly snatches the oil coupon away from Dalton.}

Segue: Winston Rothschild
{Winston stands beside his truck.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: When the fumes have melted your patio chairs 'cause your lawn is a toxic spill, when your breathe it burns all your nostril hairs and makes your pet skunk ill, when your septics have you at the end of your rope, call us, the people with skill. With Rothschild's, you know you always have hope, 'cause we can take it, and we will!

{Winston holds up his business card.}

Handyman Corner
''{Outside the lodge, Red stands in the doorway of a garage. He is trying to cut the doorway springs with bolt cutters.}''

RED GREEN: You know, one of the great frustrations in life is wanting things you can't have, like a cure for a fatal disease or world peace or having your own automatic garage door opener. Well, I've got great news for you. This time, I'm gonna show you how to build your own garage door opener. All you gotta do is, take off these big springs.

''{After much effort, Red succeeds in cutting the springs, and the garage door, with nothing to support it anymore, starts to slam shut. Red, however, tries to hold up the heavy door to explain himself.}''

RED GREEN: These springs hold the door open, but you don't want that. You want the door to stay closed.

''{Suddenly, the door finally slams shut. Red is inside the garage now. He looks at the now-closed garage door, which has some rope tied to one end.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, good. No, that's good. Uh, all right, now, I've attached one end of a chunk of rope to the top of my garage door, so when the rope is pulled, the door will open. {takes some more rope lying on the ground} Okay, next we just need a pulley of some kind... {looks up to see a bike hanging on a rack on the ceiling} Oh, there we go. {spins one of the bike wheels, which has no tire on it, just the rim} I'll just thread the other end of the rope through one of the rims on my old bike, eh? That's the beauty of never throwing anything out: never know when you're gonna need it again. {moves box over under bike} I'll bet Bernice has tried a million times to to get rid of that bike. {stands up on box} She should see this. {calls out} Bernice! Bernice!

{He stars to thread the rope through the bike wheel rim, but the box under him suddenly collapses under his weight, and he falls down.}

RED GREEN: Never mind.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is outside the garage again. He pulls the rope around the corner of the garage.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, now, we're getting there. So as soon as anything pulls on the rope... {tugs on the rope, causing the garage door to lift up briefly} the door opens. {releases rope, causing garage door to drop down again} Okay, now all we have to do is run it around something strong and smooth, {spots a steel pole stuck in the ground} and I don't mean a glass of single-malt whiskey. {runs rope around pole} I'm talking about a pole or a fire hydrant or an imbedded missile of some kind. {takes rope to another pole across the driveway and ties rope to it} Then you run the rope across the driveway at about windshield height. That oughta keep the snowmobilers outta there, huh? All right, let's give her a try.

{Having tied the rope nice and taut, Red then gets into a black car with a retractable radio antenna.}

RED GREEN: Okay, now, you wanna get yourself a car with a power antenna. If you don't have one of those, you probably live in a dump that doesn't have a garage anyway. So remember if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

''{Red drives the car into the rope and pushes against the rope. This causes the garage door to open, and Red pulls up inside. The rope has been threaded through the bike wheel rim. Red brings the car into the garage and stops. Then he lowers the antenna, which is pushing against the rope, down into the car. With the antenna fully retracted, the rope snaps away from the car and back outside. The garage door comes down as Red runs up, too late. Red is trapped in the garage again.}''

RED GREEN: {calling out} Bernice!

Midlife
RED GREEN: You know, a lot of us middle-aged guys are pretty rugged. Like, we don't complain if we nail a finger to the workbench, or maybe take a flying tire in the face, even shoot off the occasional toe. But if we get a cold or the flu, we go down like a cheap lawn chair. Now, believe it or not, this is part of the manly art of being manly. You see, most men like to pretend they're indestructible. And it stops them from saying things like, "I can't lift my end of the piano," or "I don't wanna go up on the roof," or "This is the first time I've used an arc welder." You see, it's men like me who can't ask for help that creates most of the problems. That's why we let a cold bring us to our knees. We know a cold is no big deal, but we figure if we can say, "Hey, I need help," when we don't really need help, then maybe we won't have to say, "Hey, I need help," when we really do need help. I'll tell you if middle-aged men could get help without asking for it, there'd be a lot more of us sitting at home feeling better about ourselves and a lot fewer of us sitting in the emergency room trying to come up with an explanation. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Ranger Gord's Educational Films
{Ranger Gord is seated inside his fire watchtower with a film projector next to him.}

RANGER GORD: Oh, hi, everybody, Ranger Gord here. Welcome to the educational portion of the show and the only segment of this program that has any real lasting value in the purest sense. I'm pleased to present another in my series of animated shorts. And you know, being alone in the fire tower for as long as I've been, there's nothing that I like more than animated shorts. {exhales as audience laughs} Trust me. Anyway, today's film is all about being ready. So, are you ready now? No? {sits in awkward silence for an extended period of time and whistles} How about now? Okay, here we go!

''{Gord starts up the projector and makes a shushing motion, indicating to keep quiet. The film starts. The cartoon Ranger Gord's hand pops in and writes out "Ranger Gord Presents". This title then changes to "Ranger Gord's Educational Films". The hand underlines "Educational". A picture of Gord appears in the title. The film then fades to Gord posing with the title "Starring me! Ranger Gord". Fade to a shot of a cartoon sky dotted with clouds. The title reads, "Today's episode..." and then "BE READY". Cut to Ranger Gord peeking out from behind a tree stump. He waves to the camera.}''

RANGER GORD: Today, I'm gonna teach everyone in the world about preparation.

''{Gord runs up to a log over a stream. On the log, Little Red and Little Harold are playing poker. As Gord speaks below, Red and Harold jump up, startled, and knocking the cards and chips into the stream.}''

RANGER GORD: Do you two know what preparation is?

LITTLE RED: Uh, sure, I believe it's that medicine that comes in a tube, isn't it? {laughs}

LITTLE HAROLD: {stares} You know, Uncle Red, not everything Ranger Gord says is just a set-up for a cheap joke. Fwa!

RANGER GORD: {to Red, accidentally slapping Harold in the process} Harold is right, this is no joke. {points at Red} Preparation is the most important thing in life. Well, other than women and dry underwear. {poses proudly and holds up index finger, while Harold rubs himself from being slapped} Anyway, the Boy Scouts have a motto: {clenches fist} "Be ready!"

LITTLE HAROLD: Uhh, I think it's, {shrugs} uh, "Be prepared", I think? Haw.

RANGER GORD: {glancing over his shoulder to Harold} Who cares what you think, Harold? Here, let me show you!

''{Gord runs over to a tree and grabs a hold of it. He pulls with all his might on the tree in trying to pull it out of the ground. He clenches his teeth with the effort, and his shiny muscles are shown tearing at his shirt sleeves. Finally, he succeeds in uprooting the tree, taking the root ball with it. He lifts it over his head in triumph. A "ta-da!" fanfare plays while a heavenly light shines behind him. He then runs back up to Red and Harold, holding the tree. They are awed by what just happened.}''

RANGER GORD: {glancing toward Harold} Are you ready?

LITTLE GORD: {looking away with his arms covering him in defense while perspiring} Uh, I think so.

''{Gord then looks toward Red and whacks him with the tree so hard that it sends him flying. Gord then turns back to Harold.}''

RANGER GORD: I wasn't taking to you. {laughs, while Harold stares in confusion} You see how that works? Follow me.

''{Taking the tree with him, Gord runs up a hill, Harold following behind him. They run up to the edge of a cliff. At that moment, Red falls down and lands on the cliff as well. Gord looks back over his shoulder to spot Red.}''

RANGER GORD: You know, Harold, as a forest ranger, I have to be ready at all times for any emergency. You know, I guess you could say {dramatically raises tree into the air} I'm a super el primo Boy Scout. {laughs}

LITTLE HAROLD: Uh, no, I couldn't say that, no.

{Gord sticks his tongue out at Harold in response.}

RANGER GORD: I know you think forest rangers are only here to protect the environment.

''{Turning toward the edge of the cliff, Gord spins the tree around his head several times, then throws it like a javelin. It flies through the air. It lands on and crushes a pink bunny sniffing around an anthill. Gord then turns back to Red and Harold, holding up his index finger.}''

RANGER GORD: But there's a lot more to it than that.

LITTLE RED: Yeah, you have to also be a weirdo.

RANGER GORD: No, that's not correct. Being a weirdo is completely optional. {holds up index finger} But a forest ranger does need to be ready – for anything!

''{Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes the cliff they're on, causing it to fall. Gord, Red and Harold struggle in mid-air for a few seconds before falling as well through space.}''

LITTLE HAROLD: Fwa! Were you ready for this, Ranger Gord?!

RANGER GORD: Absolutely!

LITTLE RED: Don't tell me the super el primo Boy Scout can fly!

RANGER GORD: Nope, don't need to.

''{Gord pulls on a cord on his belt, which pulls free, releasing a parachute on his person. Gord rockets away from Red and Harold as the parachute opens and slows his descent. Harold looks up at Gord and is aghast.}''

LITTLE HAROLD: {pointing at Gord} Hey! That's not fair! Fwa!

RANGER GORD: You're right.

''{Gord takes out a huge pair of scissors and uses it to cut the strings holding the parachute. He falls away from the parachute and rejoins Red and Harold as they continue falling.}''

LITTLE RED: Now what do we do, Gord?!

RANGER GORD: Well, try this...

''{Gord takes in a deep breath and screams. Red and Harold both scream as well. They finally reach the bottom of the cliff (with a sign next to it reading "WORLD'S TALLEST CLIFF") and crash into the ground, flat and unconscious, with Harold's glasses cracked as well. Gord lands in a river near the canyon with a splash. He pops his head out of the water and shakes the water off of him.}''

RANGER GORD: Whoa!

''{Gord laughs heartily and ducks back down into the water. Gord's hand comes into frame, holding a "The End" sign. The film ends. Cut back to the real-live Gord, who applauds enthusiastically and then turns off the projector.}''

Plot Segment 2
RED GREEN: Well, the crime wave continues. {gestures behind himself with thumb} Moose Thompson had his laundry stolen right off his clothesline. Now, that's gotta be vandalism. There's nobody around here big enough to wear his clothes, unless maybe the circus is in town.

''{The front door of the lodge opens and Mike enters, pushing a barbecue. Red groans.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Hey, Mr. Green! Hey, have a look at this barbecue we're giving to Dalton, eh? {pushes barbecue up in front of Red, who recoils} Is it a beauty or what?

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah.

MIKE HAMAR: And get a load of the price: {holds up index finger} a hundred bucks!

RED GREEN: Yeah...

MIKE HAMAR: Now, how can you beat that?

RED GREEN: No, that's a real steal.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, go on, open it up. Take a look.

RED GREEN: {backing away, hands up} No, no, I don't wanna put my fingerprints on it, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, we wanna– we wanna keep it nice for Dalton, right?

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah...

MIKE HAMAR: Can I hide it in here until Dalton's birthday? Like, he'd never think to look in the lodge for anything, right?

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah... {Mike puts barbecue in corner} You know, Mike, I hate to ask you this, but, um... is that barbecue hot?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah, it goes up to 500 degrees!

RED GREEN: No, that's not what I mean. I mean... did you steal that barbecue?

MIKE HAMAR: {shocked} Mr. Green! What must you think of me?

RED GREEN: We don't have time for that, Mike. Did you steal the barbecue?

MIKE HAMAR: {offended} Absolutely not! And I am disgusted that you would even think such a thing!

RED GREEN: Well, no, I apologize. It's just, y'know, when a guy goes to jail 37 times for theft... well, a person can jump to conclusions.

''{Scowling at Red, Mike starts to leave. As he does so, the door opens again and Dalton comes in. Red runs up in front of where Mike hid the barbecue, trying to hide it from Dalton. As Dalton enters, Red grabs his shoulder and escorts him to the center of the room.}''

RED GREEN: Hey, Dalton, how ya doin'? {chuckles}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, there's still no sign of that missing barbecue.

RED GREEN: Oh, no, no...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, I phoned the police, gave them a complete description.

RED GREEN: Yeah...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, it's got a nice hood on it, enameled green. A little shelf on each side with a burner. It's a beautiful thing.

RED GREEN: {scratches neck} Yeah, I can almost picture it.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. {Red nods} Twelve hundred dollars, Red! Twelve hund– Boy, the guy that's got that is gonna spend a long time in jail!

RED GREEN: Ohh...

{As Red rubs his hands together and looks guilty, Dalton looks toward the corner and spots the barbecue there.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {pointing} What's that?

RED GREEN: {quickly} I dunno. It's not a barbecue if that's what you're thinking.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {walking toward it} No, there's something just weird, not quite right. What– What– What's going–

{Red suddenly runs in front of Dalton and tries to block his way.}

RED GREEN: You know what?

DALTON HUMPHREY: What?

RED GREEN: {trying to escort Dalton to front door} I cleaned. I-I-I cleaned, Dalton, and I painted. That's all wet paint. You don't wanna get any wet paint on you there, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {trying to get a better look} It doesn't look wet, it looks dusty.

RED GREEN: {gently pushing Dalton toward front door} No, that's the color. Dusty brown. It's dusty brown. You know what it is? It's the fumes, the dusty brown paint fumes. {opens door} Remember Dusty Springfield? Wasn't she great, eh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Gee, I loved her.

RED GREEN: {pushing Dalton through door} She's great. Let's go.

Red's Handyman Tips
{Outside the lodge, Red walks up to a small car.}

RED GREEN: I've never been a big fan of small cars. I know they're cheaper on gas and they're easier to park, but you feel like such a weenie driving them. And you can only run into small things without hurting yourself. {steps up to car hood} I'll tell you the worst part about a small car: the horn. No intimidation factor at all. Sounds like somebody stepping on a frog. Here's a better idea...

{Red opens up the hood, revealing a huge number of car horns all wired and duct-taped to the engine.}

RED GREEN: Go down to your local auto wreckers and pick out as many working car horns as you can get your hands on. Then you mount 'em in any open space under the hood here. And believe me, with an engine the size of an electric razor, you're gonna have plenty of room. {closes hood, wipes hands together, and walks over to driver's seat door} The other cars may not see you coming. They may not even care if you're coming. But I promise you one thing: {chuckles and opens door} they'll hear you coming. {gets into car, closes door and starts car up} Just be sure you start her up before you honk the horn. Otherwise, the battery will die faster than a blonde joke at the Miss America Pageant. And it's just that easy. Remember, honk if you hate noise pollution.

''{Red honks the car horn. The myriad horns under the hood give off such a blasting honk that it causes the front bumper to go flying past the camera and the front part of the car in general to fall apart.}''

Plot Segment 3
''{Red stands next to the barbecue with a tarp over it. He holds a paintbrush in his hand. It's covered in yellow paint.}''

RED GEEEN: Mike has put us into a terrible position here. Sure, you know, I'm– I'm glad to get Dalton a birthday gift, but boy, not worth going to jail for, eh? {takes paint bucket away and sets it aside} Not for a lousy barbecue, anyway.

{The front door opens and Mike runs up to Red.}

MIKE HAMAR: Get ready, he's here! Winston's bringing him in!

RED GREEN: All right.

''{Winston brings in Dalton, who runs in excitedly and looks around. He suddenly becomes confused, however, as he can't seem to find what he's looking for.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Where are the exotic dancers?

{Winston sees where the barbecue under the tarp is and pulls it out into the middle of the room.}

MIKE HAMAR: Dalton, we brought you here for a special surprise.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {excited again} Exotic dancers?!

MIKE HAMAR: No. Uh, Dalton, uh, we all know it's your birthday, so we got– we got you a special present.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, even one exotic dancer would be fine.

MIKE HAMAR: {annoyed} Dalton! {turns to Red} Mr. Green, would you do the honors?

RED GREEN: Yeah, sure. {gestures Winston to one side of the barbecue}

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, um, uh... Dalton... uh... uh... we– we got together and, uh, we got this for you. And, uh... And we want to wish you a happy birthday.

''{Red and Winston pull the tarp off the barbecue, but have some trouble because the paint is still wet and sticky. The barbecue is revealed underneath to have been painted a hideous shade of yellow all over.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: {not sure what to make of it} Wow! What is that?

MIKE HAMAR: {pretending to be surprised} I don't know.

RED GREEN: Well, it's, uh, it's a barbecue.

DALTON HUMPHREY: It's a barbecue!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's a yellow barbecue.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, that is so nice! You know what?

RED GREEN: What?

DALTON HUMPHREY: I don't need a barbecue. You remember the one that was stolen from the window of my store?

RED GREEN: Yeah?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, it turns out, {laughs} it was Anne-Marie hid it to give it to me for my birthday!

{Dalton laughs, but Mike frowns heavily at Red.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, it's a beaut, too.

{Suddenly, the "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, uh, meeting time.

RED GREEN: {gesturing everyone towards basement door} Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll be right down.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Okay.

''{Dalton and Winston go down into the basement, but Mike doesn't join them. He is too upset at Red for being so suspicious of him as he continues to glare at him. Red impatiently gestures for Mike to go downstairs. Finally, Mike starts to do so. As he steps into the doorway of the basement, he stops and looks over his shoulder to frown at Red again before leaving. Feeling somewhat ashamed, Red turns to the camera.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, so, uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I was reminded tonight of our dating years, 'cause Mike was looking at me exactly the way your dad used to. {to audience} And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at the lodge, {waves} keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red then goes down into the basement himself. Cut to the basement, where the Lodge Meeting is about to start. Dalton and Winston have taken their places at the front of the meeting.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {waving everyone to sit down} Guys, guys, c'mon, sit down. Come to order.

''{Mike hasn't yet taken his place at the front of the meeting. He is waiting for Red to come down as well, still glowering. Once Red does come down the stairs, they take their places at the front of the meeting. Meanwhile, everyone else has sat down.}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {suddenly rising to his feet} All rise!

{Everyone gets to their feet and everyone crosses their arms over their chests – all except Mike, who is still upset at Red.}

EVERYONE EXCEPT MIKE: Quando omni flunkus moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits down} All right, men, bow your heads for the Man's Prayer.

{Everyone except Mike bows their heads.}

EVERYONE EXCEPT MIKE: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

{Red finally notices that Mike is still frowning at him this whole time, remaining silent.}

RED GREEN: I'm sorry, all right?! {Mike sways his head and rolls his eyes}