The Driving Lesson/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Driving Lesson

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, here's the reason God created no-fault insurance, the old fault guy, your hero, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

{Red enter the lodge amid the audience's cheering.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Well, she's a very, very big day for a special young man up here at Possum Lodge. {turns to Harold} Harold, you got a little announcement for us?

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} No.

RED GREEN: {waving Harold over} Oh, come on now. {turns back to camera} He's just a little bit shy there, you know? {chuckles} Yeah, Harold today has gotten his drivin' license, which means {holds up index finger} he's well on his way to becoming a man, because now he has a reason to get a vehicle. And once he gets that vehicle, he will in fact be a man. {beat} Unless it's, like, an '87 Sunbird.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red} Okay, okay, yeah, okay, y'know, yes, I took the driving test. Yes! {giggles} But I had, uh, y'know, some mishaps, some miscues, and property damage.

RED GREEN: {disappointed} Oh, you flunked again?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah.

RED GREEN: {nods} Wh-What happened?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I had the same driving examiner as last time.

RED GREEN: Sure.

HAROLD GREEN: There's only one driving examiner in the Possum Lake area. {exasperated} I should've expected that! She gave me the benefit of the doubt, and that was good, {makes a moving motion with his hand} until I ran over her foot. I didn't signal, you know?

RED GREEN: Yeah, I do know.

HAROLD GREEN: Same foot as last time. She was ticked! Ticked!

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, listen, you gotta get right back up on that horse, you got to go there tomorrow and take the test all over again.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs and shakes head} No! Oh, no! Oh, no. No, I can't do that.

RED GREEN: Why not?

HAROLD GREEN: Well... {holds up index finger} Well, number one... There's various reasons, but number one is that the test car doesn't come back from the auto body shop till next week. So that'll slow me up some. And... And she says I have to take lessons before I can retest.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Oh, Harold, man, nobody in their right mind would give you driving lessons.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} You will? Oh, thank you! Excellent!

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red duct-taping two dryers together. He runs around the two dryers, covering them in duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} What you're looking at now is a bunch of segments from this particular show.

{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress; Dougie is the contestant, and he has to say "Canada".}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} The main message being, "For gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel."

''{Cut to a shot of a car in the Lodge driving up close to the camera. Mike is driving the car. Red is seated beside him and Harold is in the back.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell ya something, if you wanna make sense outta this program...

''{Cut to a shot of Red, Harold and Dalton sitting around a table. Dalton tells Red something, and they both laugh, much to Harold's annoyance.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...you gotta give it your undivided attention.

Plot Segment 2
{Red and Harold enter the lodge, Red looking frustrated and Harold holding a driver's manual.}

RED GREEN: {looking into camera} If any of you out there are driving instructors, I'll tell you right now: you are all underpaid.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at manual} See, Uncle Red, it says right here in the driving manual: "Driver will come to a complete stop "four meters prior to the intersection, creep forward, come to another complete stop, prior to entering said intersection."

RED GREEN: {grabbing manual away from Harold} Harold, there are two kinds of people: those who do things, and those who write manuals. {tears manual pages in half and throws them down} A rolling stop is fine.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} "Rolling stop" doesn't mean "rolling over". {makes a circling motion with his finger} We were around that corner on two wheels!

RED GREEN: Well, the Possum Van only has two good wheels, Harold. Besides, there was nobody coming.

HAROLD GREEN: So you do stop when you see cars coming?

RED GREEN: Yeah... If it's got lights on the roof.

HAROLD GREEN: {shaking head} No, no, no, no, no, no, this isn't gonna work, Uncle Red. If you're gonna teach me to drive, it has to be by proper traffic rules.

RED GREEN: Harold, I've been driving for 35 years. I've never had a problem.

HAROLD GREEN: Ho! No, you haven't, but everyone else on the road with you sure has. Let me put it this way to you: do you want to be on the road driving with people who drive like you?

{Red stares at his nephew as he realizes what he brings up a good point, and then bends down to pick up the torn pieces of the manual.}

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I thought not!

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, my uncle has a dairy farm,
 * A man who likes to putter.
 * He slipped and fell off the roof one day,
 * And landed in the butter.
 * He flipped and flopped for an hour or more,
 * 'Til he was rescued by his wife.
 * She warned him that butter is bad for his health,
 * But he claimed it saved his life.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, this is for the big one! {walks over to the card table where Red and Dougie sit} It's for a water balloon launcher and forty air-sick bags! {Dougie covers his ears} Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get {points to Dougie} Mr. Dougie Franklin to say this word... {holds up sign with word on it} "Canada". "Canada". {Red sways his head in frustration as Harold steps back and points at table} And go! {Dougie takes his fingers out of his ears}

RED GREEN: All right, Dougie!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Yes, sir?

RED GREEN: A country...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {putting his hand over his heart proudly} The United States of America!

RED GREEN: No, this... Okay, okay, this is America's largest trading partner...

'''DOUGIE FRANKLIN: The Dallas Cowboys.

RED GREEN: No, no, I... Dougie, I'm talking about the second biggest country in the world...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Oh, it's gotta be Texas!

RED GREEN: No, no! Think country, okay?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: All right, all right, I'm thinking...

RED GREEN: This is a country directly north of America...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Alaska.

RED GREEN: The longest undefended border in the world is between the U.S.A. and...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: France, I believe. {Red hangs his head in frustration} Monsieur. {pronounces it "mon-sewer"}

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Dougie, I was born in this place! Eh?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Home for unwed mothers.

{The audience laughs.}

RED GREEN: I'm talking– I'm talking about where we are right now! {points to the surrounding area in frustration} Where are we, right here?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Oh, oh!

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Uh, Ontariari...

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Manitoulin...

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Um... Nova somethin'.

RED GREEN: {exasperated} No, no, no, those are provinces!

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {equally exasperated} Oh, what's the difference?

HAROLD GREEN: We're out of time. Sorry. Ding-dong!

RED GREEN: {holding up sign reading "Canada" to Dougie} Way to go, Doug.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {pointing at sign, dumbfounded} Oh, that's still a country?!

{The audience laughs and applauds as Red looks around in confusion and Dougie shrugs.}

Handyman Corner
{The Handyman Corner sign is displayed in another area of the lodge as the camera pans past it toward Red, who stands next to a pair of clothes dryers.}

RED GREEN: This week on "Handyman Corner", we're gonna make a little project here that's gonna make you real popular with the kids, and that's for sure. We're gonna build our very own air hockey game! Yeah, you've got two basic principles on that. You got holes, and {makes a raising motion with his hand} you got wind going through them. We've all been there, haven't we? {walks over to the two dryers} All right, first thing you need for this is a couple of dryers. You can pick these up at a garage sale, or if you stay up late at night, you can hoist a couple out of a laundromat. But by golly now, I wouldn't advise that. Sure, the dryers are free, but the quarters to keep them running will eventually break ya. All right, now, what you gotta do with these units is you gotta plug up the exhaust on 'em so that the air will go where you want it to go. And, uh, the vent is in the back here. I would suggest that you plug her up with, say, a ball or a small houseplant. {bends down behind one dryer and comes up holding a huge wad of lint in his hand} Actually, these units already have a fair amount of lint buildup in there, and that'll do the job for us. {bends down again to stick the lint inside the vent, then becomes confused} Somebody must've dried a cat in there. Push these dryers together. {walks over to the other dryer} All right, now, you wanna push these dryers together, {pushes this dryer up against the other dryer} and then keep them together {picks up a roll of duct tape off of one of the dryers} using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

''{Suddenly, Red notices that one of the dryers' doors is ajar. He looks down to notice a sock sticking out of the door.}''

RED GREEN: There's always one, isn't there?

''{Then suddenly, a thought comes to him as he goes over to the second dryer and opens up the door to look inside. He spots a second sock in there that matches the first one. He laughs with delight.}''

RED GREEN: So that's where they go!

{Wipe to a later scene, as Red attaches the two dryers together by wrapping them in duct tape, which he runs around the dryers several times.}

RED GREEN: 'Course, now, hockey is a real physical game, y'know, with the slap shots and the cross-checking, and of course the inevitable fist fights. So make sure you really horse these babies down.

Commercial bumper
''{Red and Harold walk into the lodge. Red is holding a piece of paper in his hand while Harold makes driving motions with his hands.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we've got lots more of it.

Midlife
{Red is cutting a piece of pipe with a hacksaw when he sees he's on camera.}

RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older folks about a little secret that we all share. It's about something called wisdom. You know what? We may not have as much of it as the young people think we do. Now, I know we all know the fastest route to the cottage, and we know the best food and the best music and the best TV shows. That's more a sign of our minds narrowing, not deepening. When I was little, I thought all old people were wise, until they'd open their mouths and started spouting off. Then I'd realize, "What a stupid old coot." So as you get on in years, if you can learn anything, learn to fake wisdom, alright? With silence. If you don't have a knowing brain, fake it with a knowing smile. Because when you nod and smile, people will think, well... {nods and smiles a few times} Exactly. And in extreme cases, you can add a wink and a little chuckle. 'Cause you know wink and you chuckle, you know what that says? Well, that says... {winks and chuckles, while continuing to nod and smile} Remember, I'm pullin' for ya, because, well... {nods, smiles, winks and chuckles again, only to suddenly start coughing}

Auto Biography
''{A car is seen driving through a garage in the lodge, with Mike in the driver's seat, Red seated beside him and Harold seated in the back seat. Mike drives up close to the camera, turning the steering wheel several times. Red braces for the car to crash. Mike stops the car, but not before it bumps into the camera, shaking it briefly. Everyone gets situated in their seats.}''

RED GREEN: All right, uh, welcome to "Auto Biography", where, uh, members of Possum Lodge get to have remembrances of cars gone by. Got Mike Hamar here. Mike's gonna tell us his favorite car of all time. {to Mike} Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: Ah, that's easy, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Yeah...

MIKE HAMAR: Corvette Stingray.

RED GREEN: Oh boy.

MIKE HAMAR: What a set of wheels. Who could resist a 'vette? Not me.

RED GREEN: {chuckles} No. {nods} That was a beautiful car, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh yeah. I remember the first 'vette I took out for a spin. It was sitting there, parked in front of the convenience store there, and, uh, keys in the ignition there, idling... Man!

RED GREEN: So you didn't actually own the Corvette?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, no, but, uh, you know, for an hour, it was mine. And fast! I mean, she could run– outrun any police cruiser on the road, you know. I mean, that is one great car. Now, I knew guys who used to boost a 'vette, and then they'd sell it for parts. I mean, to me, that is criminal! It's criminal! Cutting up a 'vette, I mean, huh!

HAROLD GREEN: You know, uh, Mr. Hamar, you might wanna remind our viewers that, y'know, car theft of any kind is a bad thing to do. A bad thing to do.

MIKE HAMAR: {realizing} Oh! Oh yeah! Well, oh, yeah, for sure! Um, you know, I love 'vettes, but I now know that a few hours of fun is not worth two to five in minimum security. So I would say if you want a Corvette, buy one.

RED GREEN: Yeah, but they are expensive, though, are they not?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, yeah, they are expensive, yeah, but if you find the right bank, like on a Friday, when they've got a lot of cash...

RED GREEN: {sways head in annoyance, then holds up one hand} Mike, now, remember how that ended?

MIKE HAMAR: {realizing again} Oh yeah, that's right, that's right. Oh, yeah, you're right, Mr. Green. I don't do that no more.

RED GREEN: Oh, okay, good, Mike. Maybe what you need to do, you know, work hard, save your money, build up a credit rating, and you can get yourself your own Corvette. You know, one that you actually own.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, right, and then some loser comes along and swipes it for a joyride? No, thanks. {Red shrugs}

Commercial bumper: Fan contributions
{A slab of stone is displayed with an image of a grinning Harold carved into it.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Thanks to our buddy, Jim Jackson, for this carving of Harold.

Red's Teen Talk
{Red walks around outside the lodge, wearing a yellow slicker and holding an old hand drill.}

RED GREEN: I see a lot of you kids are lookin' for part-time work. I think that's great. Get yourself a little extra money, buy something your parents think is stupid. Unfortunately, you're gonna come face-to-face with a sad fact of life: minimum wage. You're expected to give up all your Friday nights and weekends for a paper hat, French fry basket, and four bucks an hour. If it was up to me, I'd give you five times that much for wearing the dorky uniform. But it's not up to me. Minimum wage is just one of those things life throws at you. It's a door we all pass through. It may be the only door you pass through. So work hard, tough it out. In no time, you'll find you're making twenty, thirty, maybe even forty cents above minimum wage. You'll be on Easy Street!

Plot Segment 5
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Ok, remember that we plugged up

all the exhaust vents.

So now we punch some holes

in the top

so the air will blow up.

Not blow up -- boom.

Blow up -- phhht.

This could take

longer than I thought.

There we go.

Boy, that's a little rougher

than what I...

What you do now, of course, is

you add another layer on that.

Ok, our new surface now

will be pegboard.

You'll probably find a hunk

of this over your work bench.

I never used it all that much

anyhow.

Actually, I dated a girl

named peg board.

She ended up marrying

a real tool.

When you put the pegboard on,

make sure you've got

the smooth side up.

This is what they call

good-one-side.

Come to think of it,

so was the girl I dated.

We got her all set.

I got a jar lid.

That's my puck.

And I got bowls

to hit it with.

The beauty of using a dryer

is you've got the timer.

Even get a buzzer that goes off

when the game's over.

You can be any team.

If you want to be

a european team,

just set her on delicate.

Remember, if women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

It's hockey night in canada.

(crashing)

wow, my first break-away.

that wasn't too bad, harold.

Old lady benkman yelled a lot

but I think those shrubs

were already dead.

Oh, that possum van's big, huh?

Ooh, that's got

some power there, I'll tell ya!

Yeah, yeah.

I meant to tell you.

It will go faster

than seven miles an hour.

I was maintaining

a safe speed limit.

It's not a golf cart.

When you stop for a hitchhiker

and they say, "no, I'm in

a hurry," that's a clue.

As a matter of fact,

if you can smell

your own exhaust, that's nature

saying, "pick up the pace."

ok, that's good, ok.

I can pick up the pace.

How were the turns?

Uh, interesting --

I don't think you're letting go

of the steering wheel

soon enough...

Unless you meant to make

the u-turn in the tunnel.

Again, a good point.

I'll try to remember that.

Pick up the pace,

work on the turns...

I got brakes down cold, though.

You slapped the binders on.

The windshield's hard,

isn't it?

How's your head?

I'm gonna have

a lump, yeah.

Ohhh!

We got the van down

off the gazebo.

We can go again if you're sure

which pedal is which now.

I panicked!

I panicked, ok?

It's your fault -- you told me

alphabetical order.

Brakes, gas --

alphabetical order.

I thought you meant

accelerator, brakes!

Even if it is accelerator,

"e" comes after "b"!

Come on,

let's go.

No more driving for me.

I'm gonna concentrate

on the manual.

Your test is

in two hours.

Yeah, I know,

so help me with this one.

"two drivers approach

an unmarked intersection

"at the same time.

"who has the right of way?"

the guy in

the big truck.

No, the guy on the right

always has the right of way.

Unless the other guy

has the big truck.

Check the manual.

Check the

cemetery.

(audience laughing)

Welcome to my favourite portion

of the show,

where we examine those words

men find so hard to say...

(audience):

"I don't know!"

excellent! Way to go!

On the expert portion,

joining my uncle red green

is his best friend

in the whole room,

mr. Dalton

humphrey!

(applause and cheering)

our letter goes, "dear experts,

I want to cook vegetarian

"but meat is all

my husband will eat.

"how can I get him to eat

a balanced diet?"

ahhhh!

You gotta remember there are

two major food groups.

There's meat and there's salt,

so your husband's already

half-way there.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Haven't you forgotten,

like, you know,

dairy and fruits

and vegetables and grains?

We haven't forgotten them.

If you can't say anything good

about something--

amen.

Yeah.

(humphrey): Yeah,

for a healthy,

balanced male diet,

you want to vary

your kinds of meat.

Variety of cuts,

variety of grades,

variety of barbecue sauce.

You know,

around our home,

we will have as many

as 17 different kinds

of meat in a week.

(audience laughing)

17 different kinds of meat?!

(laughing)

what butcher shop

are you goin' to?

You don't need a butcher shop

when you live near the highway.

(laughing and applause)

ohhh...

No, no.

So, uh, you're eatin'

the road-kill, are you, dalton?

We're eating all-natural,

organically raised,

free-range, automotively

processed food products.

So, uh, dalton, like, uh...

How do you cook, you know,

the road-kill thing?

Well, it's not hard.

Most of it's already grilled.

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

but that's gotta be tough.

Some tough

meat, there.

Yeah, some of it's already

been pounded to pemmican

but at the point

of impact, it's always

pretty tender,

and what you want to do is

presentation,

because there's nothing like

presentation--

oh, that's true.

... To enhance the flavour.

What we do,

we'll paint a white line

down the centre

of the dining room table...

And we'll serve our meal

sometimes on a hubcap.

I can just picture

your whole family

bowin' the heads for grace.

"look both ways

before you cross."

eh?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, yeah, but, you know,

sometimes we'll sing

a couple of verses --

"I got my kicks on route 66"!

(laughing)

well, I hope you two clowns

remember you are what you eat.

Well, that's true, harold.

Tell us more

about your vegetables.

(audience laughing)

harold went down

for his drivin' test

so I would think the examiner

will be submitting her

resignation any moment now.

I got it!

I got it, I got it!

I got it -- what's that? It!

I got it, it, it, it!

(audience laughing)

how did it go?

I got it.

Oh.

I got 61% on the written test.

The eye exam was bad,

but I was looking

into the coffee machine.

Can't believe you got your

licence -- congratulations.

Thank you, yeah!

You're a big part of this.

I have you

to thank.

Having a good teacher

can make all the difference.

My third year in grade 9

was a whole new world.

The head driving examiner,

he figured

if I got my licence,

I'd be driving instead of you.

Said it was the lesser

of two evils, and I got it.

(possum squeal)

meeting time, meeting time.

I can't wait to show the guys.

(laughing)

I got it!

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home

after the meeting.

I'm gonna let harold drive me

so you might duct-tape

some tires

to the front of the house...

Wait under the basement stairs

till I give you the all-clear.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and mr. Unsafe-at-any-speed,

and the whole gang up here,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(harold): I got my licence.

I got a licence.

I got a licence.

I'll be driving,

now that I got a licence.

Anybody needs a ride somewhere?

I got my licence.

(red): Harold! Harold!

(harold): I got one of those.

It's no big deal.

Meeting time! Meeting time!

You need a licence

to have a meeting.

(red): Shut up, harold.

(all): Quando omni...

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!