The House Raising/Transcript

The complete transcript for The House Raising

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"The House Raising" appears} And now, here's the man who was voted the head of Possum Lodge, 'cause the other body parts were spoken for, your hero, my uncle, Red Green!

''{Harold gestures toward the front door of the lodge, which opens, and Red enters, waving to the cheering audience. Harold dances and grooves in place.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Got some bad news, unfortunately. A bit of a disaster this week at the lodge: Buster Hadfield's house was burned down by his budgie.

HAROLD GREEN: {half-worried} Oh, no! {walks up close to Red} How did that happen? Playing with matches, right?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, you know... Buster lets the little guy out, y'know, from the cage, he lets him fly around, and he eats little bits of potato chips from between the couch cushions, you know? And I guess he got poking around where he shouldn't have, and, uh, before you knew it, he plugged himself into an electrical outlet.

HAROLD GREEN: {shudders} Oh, th-that's awful!

RED GREEN: Yeah, he went up just like a flare, Harold. {raises hand} Fwoop! Didn't even blow a fuse on that one, Harold. And the house burned right to the ground.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, see, that's– that's hardly an accident, Uncle Red, when you guys don't have any smoke detectors, you don't have any fire alarms, no fire safety. Your fire extinguishers are never charged up, or nothin'. It's a wonder there's not more fires around here.

RED GREEN: Didn't even blow a fuse, Harold. That was a dead short.

HAROLD GREEN: Reckless, irresponsible negligence, Uncle Red! Now Buster has no home. {holds up index finger} What did we learn from our most recent disaster?

RED GREEN: Well, we learned that even an adult, fully-grown budgie draws less than fifteen amps.

{Harold throws his head around in exasperation at his uncle's answer and then plays his switcher.}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Bill walking across a high wire while holding a flagpole.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} What you're looking at here is a bunch of segments from this particular show.

''{Cut to a meeting of Men Anonymous in session. Harold steps down from the podium to let Buzz take his place.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} The main message being, "For gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel."

{Cut to Red as he is about to put a door on an outhouse.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'll tell ya something, if you're gonna try and make sense outta this program...

''{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress. Dalton is the contestant and the word is "Wolves".}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...you gotta give it your undivided attention.

Plot Segment 2
''{As Harold tunes his switcher, Red enters the lodge. He has a pencil behind his ear and holds a hammer in one hand and a saw in the other.}''

RED GREEN: Well, around here, people get down, but they don't stay down. We're gonna turn Buster's fire into an opportunity.

HAROLD GREEN: You going into the charcoal business? {giggles}

RED GREEN: No, we're not, Harold. We're gonna do what the pioneers did.

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly excited} You're moving to California?! {runs up to his exasperated uncle} Oh! Oh! Oh! Maybe I can go! Maybe I can meet Spielberg or something! You know, I got this film idea! You know, I got this treatment!

RED GREEN: Well, the treatment's not working, Harold. Now, think back to the pioneers, okay? What did they do when the guy next door's house burned down?

HAROLD GREEN: Move away?

RED GREEN: {shakes head in exasperation} No!

HAROLD GREEN: Keep their own houses wet?

RED GREEN: {shakes head again} Harold, they'd all pitch in and build the guy a new house!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay! Yeah, like– like a barn raising.

RED GREEN: A barn raising!

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah...

RED GREEN: Except this is Buster's house. {beat} No, you know, I think barn raising is a good analogy. Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: You know– You know who does that, is, like, the Amish and the Mennonites.

RED GREEN: Yes, I believe they do, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but instead of having a bunch of deeply devout, religious craftsmen, it's going to be a gang of potbellied drunks.

RED GREEN: Well, I figure it will go a lot faster.

{Red turns to leave and Harold plays his switcher to trigger the next scene.}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}
 * Oh, sometimes I get to thinkin'
 * 'Bout all the mistakes I've made,
 * All the people I've hurt,
 * And all the bills I haven't paid.
 * Sometimes I get to thinkin',
 * I should change and get on the ball.
 * But then I turn on the old TV
 * And I don't get to thinkin' at all.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, this is the big one! {walks over to the card table where Red and Dalton sit, holding the word sign} For a free chiropractic adjustment at Arnie's Autobody Shop! Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds {Dalton covers his ears as Harold gestures toward him} to get Mr. Humphrey of the Humphrey's Everything Store to say this word... {turns sign around to reveal the word, which is...} "Wolves".

{Harold howls like a wolf before setting sign down and stepping back.}

HAROLD GREEN: Go! {Dalton uncovers his ears}

RED GREEN: Okay, Dalton. Okay, these are like dogs, only bigger.

DALTON HUMPHREY: My wife's side of the family.

RED GREEN: No. {shakes head} Okay, these are– these are animals, Dalton, okay? They travel in packs.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, that's my wife's side of the family.

RED GREEN: Come on, come on, come on! These are...

DALTON HUMPHREY: What?

RED GREEN: These are like a fox, okay, only bigger. Bigger teeth!

DALTON HUMPHREY: My wife's side of the family!

RED GREEN: {getting exasperated} Not your wife's side of the family, eh?! Now, why do you keep saying that?!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Just feels good, that's all, Red!

RED GREEN: No, no!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Feels good!

RED GREEN: No! Stop it! These are wild animals, they howl at the moon, they eat rats, they travel in groups, and they– they hunt out the weak and the sick.

DALTON HUMPHREY: I'm gonna have to go with my original answer on this!

''{Red looks away in frustration, then drums his fingers, trying to think of something. He finally gets it.}''

RED GREEN: These animals hardly ever hurt humans.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {suddenly nonplussed} Ohhh...

RED GREEN: Yeah.

''{Dalton looks up in thought, trying to figure it out. The audience laughs.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...You're gonna have to give me another clue on that one.

RED GREEN: Describe your wife's side of the family eating...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Wolves.

RED GREEN: There we go!

''{Red leans forward to ring a bell on the table and end the game. Dalton is surprised.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: What?! That was it? {Red nods}

Handyman Corner
{Red walks out from behind the Handyman Corner sign outside the lodge.}

RED GREEN: This week on "Handyman Corner", we're gonna do one of the most common, and yet one of the most difficult handyman projects: we're gonna hang a door. {walks up to a portable outhouse with the door missing} Now, here we have a portable washroom whose door has been ripped off during some kind of a gastronomical emergency. {sees a door leaning away from outhouse} And over here, we have a door. So all we've got to do is get these two together. {takes door and carries it over to outhouse} First thing you gotta do is, make sure that the door is the same size as the hole it's gonna go in. {tries to fit door in, but to no avail} No. No, see? It's a little too tall. {takes a pencil out of pocket} So, we'll just mark her, and... {tries to mark door, but notices no lead on it; looks at pencil} No lead in my pencil. {tosses pencil aside} We've all be there, haven't we? {takes car keys out of pocket} I'll tell ya, car key works just as well. {marks one side of door by scratching it with keys} Mark her up... {marks other side of door} And then cut off the excess.

''{A brief montage begins. Red takes a handsaw and tries to use it to cut the key scratches in the door. He is having difficulty, however, as the door shakes around as he tries to saw it, so he tries to straddle the door, to no avail. Finally, however, he does succeed in cutting off the excess of the door by leaning it against the Possum Van. In finally cutting it off, however, the door accidentally knocks the rearview mirror off. Red then picks up the door.}''

RED GREEN: All right, got our door cut now. All we gotta do is, uh, mark where the hinges go, {starts carrying door over to outhouse} stick them on– {stops suddenly as he notices that he had cut so deep into the door that the hollow interior is now exposed} Oh... All right, now, you see the problem we got here? {feels around cut edge} Um, we've cut down far enough into the door that we're into the hollow section, and that's no good, 'cause we'll get rain and shingles and hornet's nests, anything that falls off the roof. But you know what? {drops door} There's a real simple solution. {turns door over} Flip her over! {leans door against outhouse and takes out car keys again} All right, just, uh, mark where the hinges go, and, uh, stick 'em on there.

''{Red struggles to hold up the door again. Wipe to a later scene. Red has put the door on a worktable. Door hinges are on top as well.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, I've got the, uh, hinge things marked here, and I got to cut these out {holds up door hinge} so the hinges will fit. Now, ordinarily, I would use a chisel for that, but, uh, I don't have a chisel. I mean, I did have a chisel, but I had it for more than a week, so it's more of a screwdriver. That's what happens when you use them as a hammer. So what I'm gonna do is just, uh, actually use the hinge itself. And that way I know I'll have a perfect fit.

''{Red takes a hammer and starts pounding the chisel onto the door to make an imprint. Wipe to a later scene, as he screws the door hinge and a few others into place on the door. Several other hinges lie off to the side.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. All right, now, you might want to have {picks up extra hinges} a couple of extra hinges when you're doing this, just in case. {drops hinges} There we go, we're all set. {picks up door} Just... attach our hinges to our door jamb. {places door over outhouse entrance} Just like this where...

''{But as he tries to fit the door in place, Red notices that the hinges are on the wrong side. He stops and glances toward the camera.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, see what you've done here? You've mounted the hinges on the wrong side. It's going the wrong way, and now the door {pushes on door, which opens in} is going to open in. That's not going to work for a shed this small. Plus, it's real dangerous in a fire. And around the lodge, we have plenty of those. {removes door} You know what? {laughs} Dead easy to fix.

''{He turns the door over, only to find the exposed hollow area from earlier. He becomes concerned.}''

RED GREEN: Not that easy.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has put the hinges on the proper side of the door using a hammer instead of a screwdriver.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, I find it a lot easier to put the screws in with a hammer than it is, y'know, getting all those blisters from a screwdriver. {picks up screwdriver and looks at it closely} Oh, no, that's a chisel. {tosses it aside} All right, so we just take her over now, {picks up door and carries it over to outhouse} and mount her on the... on the side there, and just... {struggles to put hinges in place} horse her in.

''{Red starts hammering the hinges into place. Wipe again. The door is now in place, but the tops are angular.}''

RED GREEN: And she's just that easy. Isn't that a beautiful job? {notices what happened} All right, now, you can make a few... {runs hand along top of door} There's always adjustments with a door. You can cut that off... {looks around} No, that's not gonna work. {suddenly snaps fingers} I got an idea!

''{Red runs into the Possum Van and turns it on. He then drives it up to the outhouse and hits it. Wipe again. The outhouse is now an angular shape from the impact to better match the door. Red opens and shuts the door a few times.}''

RED GREEN: Where there's a van, there's a way. {opens door again and goes inside} Beautiful, beautiful job! So remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. You'll find me in the shed.

''{Red closes the door. Suddenly, however, he starts feeling around inside, as though he had locked himself. The doorknob rattles.}''

RED GREEN: Nope... Ahh!

{The outhouse shakes a bit and finally topples over on its side.}

Commercial bumper
''{A meeting of Men Anonymous is in session. Buzz is standing at the front of the meeting, with Harold standing off to the side.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we got a lot more of it.

Midlife
{Instead of Red, Harold is seen sitting at the desk in the darkened corner of the lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: I wanna talk to you old guys about telling stories that nobody wants to hear. You know, in Hollywood, they actually have a system for telling stories? Say, for instance, you have a movie idea. I've got lots, okay? Okay, but anyway, a professional begins with a concise premise of one or two sentences. Y'know, something like, "A meteorologist and his ex-wife chase tornadoes across the Midwest and {wiggles fingers} a bunch of special effects happen!" ''Haw! {giggles} Now, if people like that, {holds up index finger} and only'' if they like that, you can go on and tell the treatment. And that's like just a little bit longer version; more details. And if they like that, you can go into the full-blown screenplay that lasts for the entire, like, two hours! {laughs} So, you see how they do that? You see, they tell a little bit of the story to see if people are interested. You old guys, you might wanna try that! Next time you go to a mall and you see a bunch of teenagers talking about something really interesting, you know, like the new Alanis Morrisette CD... {gives a double thumbs-up} Rules! So, okay, and, y'know, it reminds you of one of your {makes "air quotes"} "amusing stories", don't launch right into the two-hour version! You know, see if you can get their attention with something like, uh, y'know, {exaggeratedly} "One time I, uh, I had to change a tire in the rain on the way to a wedding." {opens his mouth wide in exaggeration} If you're met with cold stares, don't tell the story! Move on, pitch out another idea! {exaggeratedly again} "Did I tell you kids about the time I stepped in a birthday cake? {opens mouth exaggeratedly again} Dahh!" Now, if they're interested, and I mean, only if they're interested, go on with the little bit longer version. But, y'know, as far as the two-hour version is concerned, trust me, we're willing to wait for the video. Remember, you're on your own. Don't push it.

Plot Segment 3
''{Red and Harold enter the lodge. Red is wearing work gloves and Harold is wearing construction attire, including a hard hat and toolbelt.}''

RED GREEN: Well, two hours ago, Buster's house was a smoldering ruin. Now his new place is up and ready to move in. I'll tell you, when the lodge members come together, there is nothing we can't do.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Big whoop! Oh, yeah, putting up a house! Haw! It was a prefab home. It arrived in a truck, taken off by a crane. {points to Red} All these guys did was sit around in lawn chairs and heckle the poor crane operator. {Red turns and looks at Harold, feeling embarrassed} Guy got so nervous, he didn't even put it on Buster's property!

RED GREEN: You know, Harold, when somebody says "Shut up" to you, it's not a piece of advice that you can take or leave. You're supposed to do it.

HAROLD GREEN: I give you advice and you don't take it.

RED GREEN: Well, we're not equals, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: I know, but I don't hold that over you. {giggles}

RED GREEN: Buster's house is exactly where it should be, Harold, and it's thanks to us. We all chipped in, paid for it, and Buster got a great deal.

HAROLD GREEN: A home, huh? It's a houseboat!

RED GREEN: Hey, hey, hey! Come on! Buster's kids got a roof over their head, they a back porch big enough to take an outboard motor, and they got a basement that will never flood.

HAROLD GREEN: It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.

RED GREEN: Hey! Show a little respect here! That's Buster's house you're talking about.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} More like Buster's Ark.

RED GREEN: {puts hands on hips} Well, if it is, Harold, you're not gonna be able to get on it 'cause we'll never find two like you. {turns to leave while Harold smiles smugly at the camera}

Men Anonymous
''{Buzz walks up to the podium at the head of the Men Anonymous meeting. Harold stands off to the side.}''

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Um... Hi, my name's Buzz. I'm a man.

HAROLD GREEN: Hey, Buzz!

RED GREEN AND EVERYONE ELSE: {overlapping} Hi, Buzz.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Um... I acted like a guy yesterday.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: But I really couldn't help myself, right? I mean, she' got this food processor, okay, and it broke! It was stuck on "mince". And– And she said, "Well, I'll have to take that in to the repair shop." I said, "Whoa! Let me fix it!" {holds out hands} She said, "Nope! Thank you. Remember what you did to my TV? Remember what you did to my blow dryer? Remember what you did to my typewriter and my yogurt maker?" I said, "What's the point?" She said, "So..." {holds up hands} I go, "Okay, I won't! I won't touch it." So she left it there on the counter, a broken food processor. How come women do that?! It's broken, man! You gotta take it apart and see what's wrong! You gotta! I didn't touch it. All week, I walked by the food processer. It's taunting me! It's talking to me. It's saying, "I'm broken! You can't touch me! You can't fix me!" {inhales} I wanted to take it. I didn't. One night, I snapped. She went out to bingo and I got my tools out. I took that food processor and I ripped 'er wide open! I-I-I couldn't fix it, you know. But I put it back together and it looked almost exactly the same as it used to. You know... She came home. She took one look at me. She looked at the blender. She said, "You tried to fix it, didn't you?"

HAROLD GREEN: Aww! {Red shakes his head} Wh-What gave you away?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: The duct tape. {Red and Harold both nod}

Red's Poetry
{Red sits by a stream on a tree stump as he reads from a piece of paper.}

RED GREEN: A poem by Alfred, Lord Tennyson... Green:


 * Half a league, half a league,
 * Half a league onward,
 * All in the valley of Death
 * Rode the six hundred.
 * "Forward, the Light Brigade!"
 * "Charge for the guns!" he said.
 * Into the valley of Death
 * Rode the six hundred.
 * Theirs not to make reply,
 * Theirs not to reason why,
 * Theirs but to do and die.
 * Into the jaws of Death,
 * Into the mouth of hell
 * Rode the six hundred.
 * Boy, that was the best pay-per-view WrestleMania!

Commercial bumper: Fan contribution
''{Several painting sticks from Ace Hardware ("The Paintin' Place") are duct-taped together with red- and green-colored duct tape to form a crude picture frame. Inside is the Possum Lodge oath ("QUANDO OMNI FLUNCUS [sic] MORITATI") done in needlepoint.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's the Possum Lodge oath, all done in needlepoint, sent to us by a viewer.

Plot Segment 4
''{Red and Harold enter the lodge. Harold is wagging his finger at his uncle, who looks upset.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {wagging his finger at Red} I told you! I told you, Uncle Red! I said– I said that wasn't Buster's property. I said, "You're building the house on the wrong piece of land!" I said, "Buster's house ends right at the real fence." {singsong voice} I told you! {points at Red}

RED GREEN: Well, why didn't you tell me sooner, Harold, when the truck and the crane were still here and we could do something about moving the house?

HAROLD GREEN: {exasperatedly} I did tell you earlier! I told you the minute you picked the spot! I said, "Buster's property ends at the fence." That's why there is a fence!

RED GREEN: Well, why didn't you say it louder?

HAROLD GREEN: I did say it louder! I said it loud and I said it several times, and you told me to shut up.

RED GREEN: Well, why didn't you persist? Now, you can't stop doing something just 'cause somebody tells you to shut up. You'll never get anywhere!

HAROLD GREEN: If I persist–

RED GREEN: Oh, shut up, Harold! {turns to camera, while Harold flails his arms around in frustration} Well, anyway, we got Buster's house now fifty feet off his property. And, uh, we wanted to pick a good site with a nice view and was a ways up from the smoking ruin of his old place there, and, uh... {nods} Now we gotta move his house. You know, do the old change-of-address thing.

HAROLD GREEN: You're gonna drag that houseboat over fifty feet of rocky, well-treed land?

RED GREEN: Well, we're not stupid, Harold. {Harold stares as the audience laughs} Junior Singleton says if we grease the hill, we can just slide 'er down.

''{Red turns to leave, but stops to notice that Harold is keeping his mouth shut. He makes a dismissive motion with his hands, and Red starts to leave. Harold then starts laughing at the absurdity of Red's idea, and Red turns back to glare at his nephew.}''

Red's Teen Talk
{Outside the lodge, Red is seen wearing a yellow slicker and tearing through an old dried bush.}

RED GREEN: I wanna tell you teenagers, you're not fooling anybody! Your parents know what you're doing. You think they don't know where you're going? What you're up to? The kind of people you're hanging out with? They know. It was not that long ago, they were doing the same things themselves. They just don't want you to know; otherwise, you'd think less of them. But believe me, they know. Are you with a parent now, huh? You see that grin? {chuckles} They may say they don't know, but they know, and now you know that they know. If they won't admit that you know that they know that they know that you know, ask your grandparents, 'cause they really know. And if they say they don't remember, that just means your parents have bought 'em off somehow, or maybe there's a court order and no one can talk. You know what that means. Your parents were big-time problem teenagers. That's going to increase the slack on your leash by a hundred miles! Believe me, I know!

Plot Segment 5
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

it's "male call"!

(audience laughing)

ok.

Our first letter is from

mr. Pea ches in atlanta.

Who?

Mr. Pea ches

in atlanta.

Peaches? Is that the name?

Yeah, pea ches -- hoo-hoo!

"dear red, my brother mat ches

and I are fans of your show."

matches? Her brother's name

is matches?

Who?

Peaches.

Pea ches is a he.

A boy named peaches?!

What parents name their boys

peaches and matches?

Well... Well, let's see.

Their parents' names

are ret ches and bel ches.

Retches

and belches?

Where do these

names come from?

They're southern people --

they included a family photo.

That's the whole ches family.

There's ret and bel,

pea and mat.

Peaches, matches,

retches, and belches.

Sounds like a law firm.

Makes you want to

settle out of court.

Well, good news.

We solved the problem of

buster's new house being built

on somebody else's property.

With a little ingenuity,

we got his house

on the right side

of the boundary line.

You moved that houseboat

over 50 feet?

No, we moved the fence

over 50 feet.

No, uncle red,

you can't do that!

That's someone

else's property.

It's flinty mcclintock's

property -- he didn't mind.

He moved his far fence

45 feet onto moose thompson's.

Then moose moved his fence

over 40 feet

and bob stuyvesant's 35

and so on,

all the way down the line.

Everybody gave up five feet

and got their fence repaired.

That's what neighbours are for.

Wow, that's neat,

uncle red.

That's a real

pioneer spirit.

I am very

impressed.

You may not be.

The last five feet was onto

your parents' property

and your bedroom

was right on the line

so your bedroom is now

on someone else's land

and you are

old man sedgwick's son.

(audience laughing)

(possum squeal)

meeting time.

Are you still

my uncle?

You go down

and say hello to dad.

Ohhhh!

If my wife is watching,

I've had quite a day.

I put out a burning house,

buried a budgie,

replaced a house

with a houseboat,

and re-drew the boundary lines

across the whole community.

You know what?

I deserve a reward.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold sedgwick

and the gang at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(harold): Stand up!

Rise and shine!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): What's on your mind,

harold?

(harold): You know

that commercial, it says

four out of five dentists

recommend sugarless gum?

That 5th dentist is moving here

so you can eat

whatever you want.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!