The Beaver Dam

The water in Possum Lake is rising and the cause of this dilemma is a beaver dam.

Cast (in order of Appearance):, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Segments: Red's Handyman Tips, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Dalton's House, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Adventures With Bill, That's What Friends Are For

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 5; The Red Green Show – 2000 Season

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: One of the characters that I have probably the most fun with is Ranger Gord, played by Peter Keleghan. I just– I don't know, he just– he's been too alone for too long and too high in oh so many ways. And in this particular episode, I think we may have gone over the line where, instead of Ranger Gord waking up from a nap, he's actually coming out of hibernation. But we'll probably continue to push the envelope with good ol' Ranger Gord.

Transcript
{Red stands behind a picket fence gate door with a latch on the other side.}

RED GREEN: You know, one of the signs of a true handyman is to figure out how something works and then be able to use that same technology in an entirely new application. For example, this gate. {opens gate and walks through it} I got a spring and I got a latch. {goes over to an eaves-trough full of leaves above a barrel} Now, I know what you're thinking: "How is he gonna use a spring and a latch?" or "How did he get so smart?" or "Why does he walk like that?"

{He holds a string attached to a gate latch attached to the trough.}

RED GREEN: Well, here's your answer. This rope operates the latch, which I got attached to this end of my eaves-trough. {points at other end of eaves-trough with a gate spring on it} I attached the spring way down at the other end of my eaves-trough. Now, if you're sittin' there, baffled, think about somethin' you have to do every year once the leaves fall off all the trees. No, no, not move to Florida. I'm talkin' about cleaning out your eaves-troughs.

''{Red pulls on the string, lifting up the latch. The eaves-trough full of leaves tips down into the barrel. The leaves fall down the trough into the barrel. Then the trough swings back up onto the latch.}''

Intro
''{Red enters the Lodge, waving. The audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you, all right. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Kind of an odd problem up at the Lodge this week. The water in Possum Lake is real high and gettin' higher. It's goin' up about, uh, a foot a day. Mind you, the Lodge never looked better with so much of our crap underwater.

{Mike and Ed enter the Lodge hurriedly.}

MIKE HAMAR: Hey, Mr. Green, we found out what's makin' the lake rise!

ED FRID: There's a big animal infestation problem, Red.

RED GREEN: How can animal infestation make the lake go up, unless they all have serious bladder problems?

MIKE HAMAR: No, they built a big dam across the end of the lake.

ED FRID: That's right! Darn squirrels!

MIKE HAMAR: {to Ed} It's beavers!

ED FRID: No, the beavers have the long, narrow tails and the fangs and, uh, the big hump on the back! At least they do up at the nuclear plant.

MIKE HAMAR: You wouldn't know a beaver if it bit your butt.

ED FRID: I did so!

MIKE HAMAR: See, it's beavers, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: All right...

MIKE HAMAR: They built this big dam so the water can't get out.

RED GREEN: Well, Ed, surely you can just go down there and take the dam apart, can't ya?

ED FRID: I suppose I could if I'd lost my MIND! RED! Those are very dangerous animals!

RED GREEN: They don't actually bite, do they?

ED FRID: No, they gnaw! All the pain of biting, but very, very slow.

RED GREEN: Well, something's gotta be done, that's for sure.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, while they're out gatherin' their trees and their branches during the day, we can break in and take the dam apart without them botherin' us.

ED FRID: Well, they might not be in there, Mike, but they hang around. They lurk, with their big teeth... just lurking and waiting for you to make one slip, then they jump on you and gnaw your face off! But slowly! Very slowly.

RED GREEN: C'mon, Ed, this is Canada's national emblem you're talkin' about.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, Canadians are very proud of the beaver.

ED FRID: Not that proud. It's only on the nickel.

RED GREEN: Okay, you know what? I'm guessing that any animal we've chosen to represent Canada will let us just walk in there and take its home, as long as we call it free trade.

{Red, Ed and Mike all laugh.}

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah?

RED GREEN: Yeah!

{They turn and leave the Lodge.}

MIKE HAMAR: That's a good one.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

{The camera pulls back to reveal Winston standing behind the card table where Red and Ed are seated.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {holding up a gift certificate} Today's winner will receive a gift certificate for a free entree at Felicia's Fondue Palace, home of the world's only blindfolded fondue. Uh, Felicia's regrets that they are not responsible for any superficial face wounds. {to Ed} Okay, Ed, cover your ears. {Ed does so} Red, you have 30 seconds to get Ed Frid here to say this word... {holds up sign displaying the word, which is...} Courage. Courage.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {setting sign down on table} And go!

RED GREEN: Okay, Ed, this is something that you have that gives you confidence.

ED FRID: Electric cattle prod.

RED GREEN: No, okay, people who do dangerous things without even thinking about the risk have this.

ED FRID: A wild sex life!

RED GREEN: No, okay, no. This is something you call on when you know you should get back on the horse.

ED FRID: Oh, a gentler horse.

RED GREEN: Okay, a person who works with large, dangerous animals requires plenty of...

ED FRID: ...medical attention.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You're almost out of time, Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, I know. {snaps fingers} Okay, Ed, if you stick your head inside a lion's mouth, that takes a lot of...

ED FRID: {disgusted} ...breath mints.

RED GREEN: Come on, I'm talking about bravery!

ED FRID: Bravery kills! We don't encourage that.

RED GREEN: There we go! {rings bell to end game} There we go! {Winston gives Ed the certificate}

Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services
''{Winston steps up to a microphone on a stage in a theater. The screen displays the text, "Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services".}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {into microphone} I'm not a construction worker or a fisherman.

{The screen now displays a picture of an outhouse.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I don't live in the basement of an outhouse. {screen displays a goldfish, a frog and a hamster, in that order} I can't bring back your pet goldfish, frog or hamster. Actually, when I get to him, you wouldn't want him anyway. {screen displays a septic truck} I operate a state-of-the-art septic removal vehicle... {screen displays a honeybee} ...not a honey wagon. {screen displays a jug of drain cleaner next to a drain} I believe an ounce of prevention is worth... {screen displays two men removing sewage} ...3,000 gallons of cure. {screen displays a snake hose} I work with a snake... {screen displays garter snake} ...not a snake! {screen displays a bald-headed man in a suit} Dad, if God had meant for me to be a lawyer, He would've given me more brains and a way better sense of smell.

''{The screen now displays Winston standing outside a building, wearing a graduate's cap over his helmet, and a diploma in his hand. A sign on the building reads, "Congratulations, graduates, Big Ed's Polyseptic Institute, class of '80".}''

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I'm Winston Rothschild, III, and I suck sewage! Thank you.

{Winston steps off the stage.}

Handyman Corner
''{Red stands outside next to the Possum Van, struggling to blow up an inflatable toy. Several deflated toys lie scattered on the ground.}''

RED GREEN: If you have kids in your family, they're eventually gonna come to you with a toy wantin' you to blow it up, and they mean in a good way. {drops toy} You don't wanna be doing that by hand. You could cough up a lung or hyperventilate. You don't want your kids seeing you all dizzy and passin' out this far from New Year's. So this time on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you a quick, easy, effortless way to blow up all these toys.

{Red reaches into the van and pulls out some rubber hose, a tent and a flute.}

RED GREEN: All you need is some rubber hose, an old tent and a flute. Okay, first thing you gotta do is make the tent airtight, which is dangerous if you're campin' with any of the guys up here. We're not gonna be sleeping in this tent.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has covered the tent in red and white checkered cloth and duct-taped them together. A long hose sticks out of the tent.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, I made my tent airtight by laying on the old tablecloths and raincoats on there, and whatever little gap I had, I just filled up with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {goes over to exhaust pipe, to which the other end of the pipe is attached} Now, to fill up the tent, we're gonna use the magic of the internal combustion engine. See, I'm running the exhaust from the Possum Van straight into the tent. {climbs into van} That should fill her up in no time. I wouldn't recommend doing this with a tent you ever plan to use again, 'cause you sleep a long, long time when you're that exhausted.

''{Red chuckles and starts the van, whose exhaust fills up and inflates the tent. Wipe to a later scene. Red removes the large hose from the now-inflated tent.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, that's done. And while I was waiting for the tent to fill up with exhaust, {holds up rubber hose now attached to tent} I hooked up an output hose from my tent through this distribution center. {holds up "distribution center", the flute with hoses sticking out of all the finger holes} Now, I call it a distribution center; the non-handyman type might call that a flute. Then I've run other hoses out of the finger holes into each of my inflatable toys. All I have to do is figure out a way to squeeze the exhaust of the tent through my fluted distribution center and my work here is done. {goes over to a long, wide wooden piece of plywood} And to help me squeeze the tent, as we used to say in high school, all I need is a couple pieces of plywood to lay on top of it as a ramp.

''{Red picks up the plywood and drags it offscreen. Wipe to a later scene. Several pieces of plywood attached to each other by duct tape are placed on the inflated tent as a ramp. Red drives the Possum Van up the ramp and onto the tent. The van weighs down on the tent, which in turn causes the exhaust to run out of the tent through the hose and inflate all of the hose-attached deflated toys strewn about the area. Once all the toys are inflated, Red sticks his head out the passenger window of the van and gives a thumbs-up.}''

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: Wanna talk to you all you guys out there who learned your social skills by watching the WWF. I'm bettin' about now your wife is bugging you to get better manners. That's not a big problem. Manners are not very complicated at all. You want to have good manners? Just take something that you wanna do fast and do it slow. Or say the exact opposite of what you mean. In other words, lie through your teeth so you don't lose 'em. But you won't have to do that for long, because society dictates the rules of etiquette, and as society changes, so do the rules. Remember how rude you were as a kid? Look at the kids today. They're ten times worse! Think how bad it's gonna get in twenty years! No matter how rude you are now, if you live long enough, the masses will work their way down to your level. So the next time your wife criticizes you for slurping your soup, you just say, "Honey, I'm not rude, I'm just ahead of my time." But be polite about it; don't say it out loud. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Dalton's House
''{Red drives the Possum Van up in front of Dalton's house and honks the horn. Dalton pops his head and part of his body out of the front door, looking flustered and waving.}''

ANNE-MARIE HUMPHREY: {offscreen} Who's there, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {calling} Oh, uh, it's nothing, dear, it's Mike and Red, sayin' hello!

ANNE-MARIE HUMPHREY: Aw, I wish you'd make new friends.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, me, too.

{Dalton runs out to the Possum Van, where Red and Mike are seated.}

RED GREEN: C'mon, Dalton, the fish are waiting!

MIKE HAMAR: Yahoo!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {flustered} Look, I need about ten minutes! I gotta do a little finesse with the ife-way!

RED GREEN: You didn't tell her you were goin', did you, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, look, I was gonna!

RED GREEN: Oh...

DALTON HUMPHREY: It's just that with a woman like Anne-Marie, you really gotta pick your spots!

RED GREEN: Same as fishing.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, we had a guy like that in the slammer, eh? If he didn't like ya, he'd stick his fork in your nose. And if he did like ya, he'd stick your fork in his nose.

RED GREEN: Look, Dalton, if you can't go, just say so.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no! I can go, I can go! Just give me two minutes!

ANNE-MARIE HUMPHREY: {calling from house} Dalton, these dishes aren't gonna wash themselves!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Just two minutes! {runs back into house}

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah...

MIKE HAMAR: Aw, they're so close. It's so nice to see a loving couple like that. You know, my mum never cared where any of my dads were.

RED GREEN: Let's go see if we can speed Dalton up a little bit, Mike, huh?

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, sure!

{Red and Mike get out of the van and head towards the house, but stop when a car suddenly races past them away from the house.}

MIKE HAMAR: Who was that?!

RED GREEN: Well, it looked like Anne-Marie, but... that woman was smiling.

{The men continue toward the house and find Dalton waiting for them.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Okay, let's go. Anne-Marie's got a headache and she's gone off to bed. I'm a free man!

RED GREEN: Okay, Dalton, whatever you say, huh? {they head back to the Possum Van}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, some people are so gullible. They have no idea what's really goin' on! {laughs, while Red and Mike exchange glances}

Red's Handyman Tips
{Red sits next to several empty duct tape rolls.}

RED GREEN: You know, you can often judge a handyman by the number of duct tape rolls he has lying around, especially after a long weekend. The problem, then, is, what do you do with all these cores? Throw 'em out? Burn 'em? Just ignore 'em? No, the real handyman recycles, and he does it in a way that best suits his needs and his lifestyle. Anybody can have a wine cellar.

{Red gestures over to several duct tape rolls stacked on top of each other like a wine cellar, but with beer instead of wine.}

RED GREEN: With these babies, you can have a beer cellar. {gives a thumbs-up}

That's What Friends Are For
{Dalton and Mike run down into the basement and walk up close to the camera.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You've been lettin' on you've been a car expert for years.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah. Whenever a car was on the fritz, people would rely on you to say something like, "Sounds like a clotted manifold."

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, or "Your carburetor's thrown a rocker panel."

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah. But now your sister-in-law's in the market for a used car, and she's counting on you to give it the once-over.

DALTON HUMPHREY: But you don't have a clue, do you?

MIKE HAMAR: Unless that car is under ten feet of water or on fire, you're lost.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. So here's what you do.

MIKE HAMAR: Keep your mouth shut.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. Just stand and listen to the salesman do the work of sellin' the car.

MIKE HAMAR: Keep your mouth shut.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Look like you're doubting every word.

MIKE HAMAR: But keep your mouth shut.

DALTON HUMPHREY: For all he knows, you're a class-A mechanic, waiting to pounce on every nose-puller he can come up with.

MIKE HAMAR: And you've got him on the defensive, and that's just where you want him to be.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Now, he may in fact suspect you're a complete idiot, but he'll never prove it!

MIKE HAMAR: As long as you keep your mouth shut.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah! And don't thank us.

MIKE HAMAR: That's what friends are for.

{They turn and go back upstairs.}

Explanations

 * Winston's line, "I believe an ounce of prevention is worth 3,000 gallons of cure," refers to a quote by Benjamin Franklin: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."
 * When Dalton says, "I gotta do a little finesse with the ife-way!", he speaks Pig Latin. "Ife-way" means "wife".

Real-World References

 * "WWF" are the initials for World Wrestling Federation.

Famous People

 * Red, Mike and Dalton mention the movie The African Queen, starring Humphrey Bogart.
 * In this same scene, Red also mentions RuPaul, an American model and drag queen.