The Bent Canoe/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold:

The book of genesis says

that god created

heaven and earth in seven days.

Well, every seven days,

we move heaven and earth

to bring you the greatest show

in the history of the universe!

Wa-a-a!

You know,

but we're only mortals,

so this is the result,

basically,

but, you know, considering

the budget and the talent,

it's not bad.

Well, here he is, the most

not baddest guy of them all,

the star

of "the red green show,"

and my uncle --

thanks so very much --

ladies and gentlemen,

mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you and welcome

to possum lodge.

Harold, I notice you have kind

of a biblical theme going there.

Yes, I do,

and it's all leading up

to some nifty creations

from my miracle box here.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

That was a miracle,

wasn't it, uncle red?

I don't think so, harold.

Miracles tend to be

kind of good things.

I would put this in the category

of pestilence and famine.

Well, we had a great week

up at the lodge.

We had the possum lake regatta

going here,

which is a huge boat race.

It's open to all classes

and all lengths and everything.

We probably had about, uh, 45

sailboats, I guess, on the lake

from possum lodges

all over north america

vying for the coveted

windy possum trophy.

I'll tell you,

I haven't seen that much canvas

flapping in the breeze

since they served chili

at the toga party.

But, uh, you know,

I'll tell you,

we won it again.

Moose thompson

and stinky peterson,

uh, came in first place

and defended our unbeaten

winning streak of, uh, one.

Oh, yeah. That was quite

an accomplishment.

They won by taking

the lodge water-skiing towboat

that had, like,

a 400-horsepower outboard on it.

Yeah, all right.

Well, we did have

a few complaints,

but, hey, a loophole

is a loophole.

We may have to tighten up

the rules for next year.

Wa-a-a. And once

you eliminate powerboats,

you might also

want to consider

taking out,

like, boarding parties

and shooting flares

in the competition's sails.

Well, what do you have left,

harold?

Just a bunch of sailboats

racing against each other.

Uncle red,

yachting is not a contact sport.

Well,

then we've improved it.

Anyway, the guys really enjoyed

the regatta.

We did well in everything

except white-water rafting,

finesse docking,

and sportsmanship.

But I'll tell you about that

a little later in the show.

[ birds chirping ]

that was a cue,

laser face.

Oh, sorry.

I was drifting off. I'm back.

Well?

I'm thinking.

I'm thinking.

Harold,

you got any sixes?

[ laughs ] go fish.

Bill, william...

Have any fives?

Whoo-ooh!

[ mumbles indistinctly ]

whoo!

[ laughs ]

well, this game's getting

too rich for me.

I think I'll go for a ride

in the r.V.

Anybody interested?

Anybody want to come along,

go for a little burn

in the curve in the r.V.?

Who's up for it? Huh?

Be a lot of fun.

Who's there?

Who's coming?

Harold?

Bill? Coming?

Helmut, come on.

You want to go for a little run,

don't you?

Red, I know

you're always ready for it.

Well, actually, it's, uh --

what's today?

Oh, yeah. Well, today's the day

I go by myself.

I got to give her

a little solo burn,

do a little lone-wolf thing --

you know, that kind of --

but you guys

have a little fun

playing your little

card game here.

Douglas?

Want to go for a ride

in the r.V.?

No.

Well,

you can't come, anyway.

Douglas, would you

like to play fish?

I don't gamble.

Which is more than I can say

for helmut here.

What?

I just saw the canoe.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

"sorry"?

"sorry"?!

You turned a piece of lodge

equipment into scrap metal,

and you say "sorry"?

I wanted to go

white-water rafting,

and we don't have a raft,

so I took the canoe.

Now we don't have

a canoe.

What did you do -- go through

a hydroelectric plant?!

Hey, stuff happens.

Yes, it does.

Stuff happens.

And then stuff

gets replaced.

Now, you are going to buy us

a new canoe,

and you are forbidden

for three months

to use any lodge equipment,

and you have to have a bath

and a shave!

I don't like your tone.

You know, douglas,

lots of us dent boats and stuff

from time to time.

Harold: Oh, yeah.

Red, this is not dented.

It's shredded.

It's mangled.

I would have thought you'd been

happy that I was alive.

I am.

It would take a lot longer

to sue your estate for damages.

Now, I'm giving you 24 hours

to come up with the money.

[ beating and guitar playing ]

♪ picking apples,

picking apples ♪

♪ down at nash's farm ♪

♪ I climb up the highest branch

and get a smartin' ♪

♪ and a broken arm ♪

♪ one apple ♪

♪ two apples ♪

♪ three apples ♪

♪ four apples, five ♪

♪ I never knew you could get

that many apples in your mouth ♪

♪ and still be alive ♪

♪ eating apples,

eating apples ♪

♪ some from every tree ♪

♪ the neighbor yells,

hey, those apples have worms ♪

it's okay, so do we!

Wa-a-a!

[ object pounding ]

red: This week

in the "handyman corner"

gonna show you how you can make

do and just use what you have.

For example, I was going

through town the other day,

and I saw a whole bunch

of these, uh, blue boxes

out in front of people's

houses, filled up with tin cans.

And they were just lying there,

you know.

It just made my head spin.

And, of course, to see that many

tin cans, in my mind --

I got the kind of mind

that just starts rolling around

with the ideas.

The first one being to just

grab up the boxes of cans

and throw them into the van.

You know,

nobody stopped me or nothing,

and I got, I would say, maybe 50

or 60 of the boxes

and probably around 8,000 cans,

you know, and, uh...

So I thought we'd just show you

what you can do

with stuff like that, uh...

Now, uh...

Save the boxes for next week.

We're gonna show you how to make

a pontoon boat.

[ box rattling ]

uh, but for this week,

we're gonna show you

what you can do with the cans.

Okay?

Now, I mean, there's all

the obvious stuff, you know --

ashtrays, drinking cups,

soap dishes,

jewelry boxes, eyeglass frames.

Let's see, uh...

Change purse or safety boots

or even portable urinals.

[ clears throat ]

but I'd like to concentrate

on some multi-can projects

you can do

using the handyman's

secret weapon...

[ can rattling ]

...Duct tape.

Okay, so we roll

a bit of this off,

stick it down sticky side up --

sticky side up.

It's an important lesson

in life.

Take two cans

roughly of the same size.

Join them together like so

and just roll it

onto the duct tape with the --

going right around the seam.

Duct tape's fantastic.

You can glue anything

with duct tape.

It'll glue wood to plastic

or metal to glass

or doors to cars.

You just repeat this process

with a third can

I've added on here.

You know,

I wouldn't be surprised

if you can glue pudding to air

with duct tape.

Wouldn't that be something?

Big dollop

of butterscotch pudding

just hanging in your foyer.

Good to see you, mom.

Come on in.

Okay.

There we go.

You're right.

It's a chair leg.

Okay, now, uh,

we need a seat for our chair.

So put down a strip

of duct tape.

Again, sticky side up.

That'll get you through

so much of your adult life.

Put that down there like that,

and then you take the cans --

boy, you know, duct tape

sticks well to fingers, too.

And, uh,

put the cans on the tape

just a couple inches apart.

Just slap them on like that.

Now, these are cans

of approximately the same size,

there again, get creative.

Once you've done that,

you just, uh,

grab the end of the tape,

and you start rolling her up.

You know, uh, I bet every one of

these cans could tell a story.

Don't you? Huh?

I mean, if cans could talk.

Life's funny like that,

isn't it?

I don't know if you'd want cans

to be talking, you know.

What would cans say about you,

do you think?

If cans could actually talk.

Now, you bring that up...

Bring that around.

And, uh, there's a seat

for your chair.

Mind you, you're gonna want

a small can to sit on that.

And there you have it.

Who says it's hard

to make furniture?

Is that not an attractive

aluminum lawn chair?

Just picture yourself sitting

out on that in the sun,

and after you have a few drinks,

you got enough cans

to make yourself a footstool.

[ chair rattles ]

you know, uh...

Something else you can make

with tin cans for the kids.

And I'll tell you.

You get the sound

of a youngster,

and you have them roller-skating

on any kind

of a concrete surface,

and the noise level

gets to the point

where you got to talk to them

with a lot

of sign language there.

But, uh, on the other hand,

you know,

you always know

where your kids are.

I mean,

if that's important to you.

It's, uh...

[ skates rattle ]

what we're talking about here

is really imagination.

You know, that english writer

samuel johnson --

he one time said, uh...

"if it wasn't for imagination,

a man would be just as happy

in the arms of a chambermaid

as he was in a duchess."

[ clears throat ]

he's dead now.

Uh, but, you know, I'm just

trying to use my imagination,

and I'm imagining

to take these tin cans

and make ourselves

an eaves trough.

Huh?

So we take a can like this,

and we just cut the can in half.

All right, that's not going

just quite as well as I planned,

so, uh, why don't we switch over

to the handyman's favorite --

uh, power tools?

[ tin can clanging in distance ]

[ clears throat ]

all right, uh, tin snips, huh?

Cut right through these.

[ inhales deeply, grunting ]

it's just a matter

of using your imagination.

It's like samuel johnson

said to lord chesterfield --

"if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy."

[ clears throat ]

he was horsing around with

lady chesterfield at the time.

Now, poets have an interesting

life, don't they?

Let's give her a go.

[ water trickling ]

ohh.

Excuse me a minute.

[ water trickling continues ]

everything you touch,

you wreck.

I do not.

"it is summer.

"the dog lies motionless

on my front porch.

"this is strange

because I don't have a dog.

"nor do I have a front porch.

Obviously,

one of us is not home."

I tell you, this whole situation

with helmut

and the crumpled canoe

has got the whole lodge buzzing,

you know,

because if douglas

pushes this too far,

it could set

a real dangerous precedent

where people would actually

be held responsible

for things they wrecked.

Well, I don't know.

I think maybe people

should be responsible

for their inabilities.

These self-appointed experts

are dangerous.

I say more power to douglas.

For example, the producer

and director of the show

would be held accountable

for the look and the pace

and, of course,

the audience ratings.

What?

Well...

I do the best

with the talent available.

Well, harold,

we could just replace you

with someone more talented.

Okay, all right.

You know what?

You know what I think?

I think that people like douglas

should be held accountable

for the lack of money

in the lodge treasury.

Wa-a-a!

How about that?

Yeah, yeah. I thought

you'd come around, harold.

Okay, here's what I think.

I think what we should do

is we should --

sorry, uncle red,

there's no time for that,

not if I'm in control of the

pace of the show and everything.

Got to go!

Glen?

Glen?!

Hello, red.

Well...

Oh, no. [ chuckles ]

that's not me, red.

This is me here.

[ chuckling ]

that's just a little decoy

I rigged up

to keep the looters

away from the r.V.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's kind of

a scarecrow thing, you know.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Looks just like me,

don't it?

Doesn't even move.

It's perfect, glen. Huh?

Say, glen, uh,

can you fix a canoe?

Well, uh, let's see.

Well, you're a lodge brother

and all, red, uh...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll have to charge you 10 bucks

for the estimate.

Well, all right.

Yeah, all right.

Come on, take a look-see.

All righty.

[ clears throat ]

[ sniffing ]

now, uh,

what do you think?

Where's the canoe?

Oh, this is it right here.

Has helmut been going over

the falls again?

Yeah, yeah.

Boy, he must know

everything there is to know

about gravity, huh?

So, uh, can you --

can you fix it, glen?

Oh, no.

This is a write-off, red.

Yeah, you might be able to find

an art gallery or something

that might be interested,

but, uh...

Ugh.

Oh, well.

That's too bad, eh?

Yeah, well...

That'll be 10 bucks, red.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Say, glen, uh,

you know, uh,

instead of paying you the 10,

do you think

I could do something --

you know, maybe clean up

the r.V. Or something

rather than cash,

you know?

Well, you know what?

Yeah.

Actually,

she needs an oil change, red.

So, uh, maybe just

jump under there,

pull out the oil plug.

Uh, let her drain

in the lake, though,

'cause it makes

a hell of a mess right here.

Oh, yeah. All right.

And I'll go get some oil.

Okay.

That's a good idea, red.

Yeah.

[ door opens, closes ]

[ engine turns over ]

hey, red!

[ laughs ]

somebody just took off

in your van.

[ laughs ]

I guess you want one of

my scarecrows now, don't you?

[ chuckling ]

hey, just tell me when you need

the oil, red.

It's right behind you there.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Harold's frisbee

stuck up a tree

gave us a subject for this

week's "adventures with bill."

there he is, uh, all set

to help us get the frisbee down.

Now, first plan is...

Not gonna work.

Plan "b," subsection 4 --

climb a tree that has

no branches on it.

Let's think this through

once in a while, can we, bill?

[ grunting ]

now, when he made that gesture,

I thought he wanted me to do it,

and I thought,

"no, he wants my --"

well, okay, all right.

I -- yeah.

That is what he meant.

All right.

And then this doesn't --

bill's not light.

Aah!

[ thud ]

all right, he's gonna just

knock it down with a stick.

Why didn't he start with this?

Oh, wait. Oh. It's --

he hit it, and it went up.

It actually went up

instead of -- no, god, no.

Ohh.

And it's way up there --

50-, 60-foot tree,

and way, way --

now what do we do, bill?

That bill never gives up,

unfortunately.

So he tied this rope

around himself,

and he's gonna

throw the end of the rope

through the fork in the tree,

and then I'll pull --

I pull down on the rope.

But what happens --

it hit the van,

and then the loop

was a lasso knot

caught around the trailer hitch,

which we didn't notice.

So I started pulling down

on the rope

and trying to pull bill

up the tree,

and what neither one of us

realized

was that harold had decided

to take the van into town

to buy himself a new frisbee.

What he was doing, of course,

was pulling the rope.

[ zip! ]

aah!

[ pop! ]

oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

He went up the tree

and came back down,

and the van's still going.

Aah!

The good news is

[clears throat]

we got the frisbee back.

You okay

with the plug, huh?

Oh.

Beautiful day.

[ insects chirping ]

well, the lodge is kind of

divided into two camps

on this thing with the canoe.

On the one hand, there's people

who think that helmut

shouldn't have to replace

the canoe or even repair it.

They think that anybody

who can turn, actually,

a metal boat inside out --

you know, that's something

to be admired,

even with a little tinge

of fear.

And then in the other camp,

you have the pay-as-you-play

people, which is mainly douglas.

You know, actually,

uncle red,

douglas has convinced

moose thompson to support him.

Wow.

Wonder how he got moose

on his side.

Maybe he removed a thorn

from his paw.

Moose can sway a few votes.

That guy's got fists

like tractors.

Wa-a-a!

I'd change my vote.

Wa-a-a!

You know, if I had one.

You know, this is gonna make

the lads think twice.

I'll tell you.

It might even make you

think once, harold.

How do -- how do you mean?

When it happens,

you'll know.

[ screeching ]

well,

either moose thompson

has just persuaded

his first lodge member,

or that's the call

to a meeting.

No, that's the call

to the meeting, all right.

Come on, uncle red.

Let's get down there

and see what's going on.

I wonder if any of the lodge

members are intimidated.

Wa-a-a!

Well, uh, there's gonna

probably be some nasty language

and some violent threats and a

lot of, uh, crisis and conflict

and all kinds of horrible things

going on down there,

so I really

don't want to miss this.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching continues ]

all rise!

Shh!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

[ clears throat ]

the floor recognizes

douglas hendrychuck.

Thank you, red.

Well, everyone,

I have some excellent news.

Aw, great!

I've discovered --

thank you, harold.

I've discovered

why are treasury is empty.

Whoa, that's great.

This is a list

of all the things

that helmut has broken

over the years.

When I totaled what he totaled,

it came to 20,000.

Dollars or things?

Dollars.

[ clears throat ]

10,000 things.

Well,

maybe if I made a list

of all the stuff I've fixed

over the years,

that would come

to 20,000, too.

I think not, helmut.

Half the items on this list,

you wrecked by fixing them.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean, helmut fixes

a lot of things around here --

like the pump.

He fixes the pump,

and we all know how expensive

plumbers are, right?

[ object rattling ]

noo!

[ rattling stops ]

whoo.

Helmut,

you're a menace!

[ clears throat ]

well, now, um,

I feel very strongly,

and, more importantly,

so does moose thompson

over there --

thank you, moose --

that helmut should reimburse

the lodge for damages.

Everybody's surprised you're

going along with this, moose.

If we applied this rule

to you,

you owe us for 7 beds,

100 chairs, and a wall.

Well, actually not, red.

You see,

in order to get moose's support,

I made an immunity deal

with him.

Well, hold it.

Hold it. Hold it.

Let's put some common sense

into this, all right?

This is stupid.

I mean, this is really stupid.

This is dumb.

Look, I make a living

out of fixing things

that you guys broke,

all right?

So if you take that away,

you bankrupt the only marina

on possum lake.

I mean, that's dumb.

That's just stupid.

Well, now, wait a minute.

We'll still need repairs.

It's just now the members

will pay instead of the lodge.

Oh.

So I might get paid?

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Uh, I'm for it.

I'm for it.

No, no.

No, no. Wait now.

Glen has

a very good point here.

No, no, red.

Just forget what I said.

Just move on, red.

That's okay. That's okay.

Now, glen, you see,

if people have to pay for stuff

that they break,

they'll start being careful,

and they'll start

not using stuff, right?

And then there won't be

any damage for you to repair.

Oh, uh, well,

that's actually what I meant.

That sounds like

what I meant.

It was stupid, just dumb,

just stupid.

Now, wait a minute.

You don't

fix anything anyways.

We've got

a 14-foot lapstrake

that's been in for repairs

since 1952.

It'll be ready Tuesday...

Night, uh...

Or Wednesday morning,

early maybe.

Well, why don't we

put this thing to a vote? Huh?

All those in favor of

the members like helmut here

being charged for whatever

they break, say "aye."

aye.

All opposed, say nay.

Nay! Nay!

Nay! Nay!

Sorry, douglas.

[ clears throat ]

well, it -- it was close.

Right.

So if there's no other

lodge business?

Okay, bill,

I'm gonna call on helmut here

to give us the evening's

entertainment.

All right.

Thank you, red.

Thank you.

So, I was

white-water rafting.

I wish I hadn't

brought my mom there

'cause we were going over

the falls,

and it'd come over --

the canoe bent up.

You know, uh, listening

to douglas and helmut

present their cases to the 46

normally slack-jawed individuals

who listen,

in some cases comprehend,

and then cast their votes

as their hearts

and their conscience dictated,

I couldn't help but think

that if we had a tv

and a good football game was on,

none of this

would have happened.

Men are like gas.

They fill the space available.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and I'm feeling kind of

wide awake,

so why don't we

hit the sack early?

So, until next time,

on behalf of harold and myself

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

yeah, so I was like going

like this with my hands,

and I kept on scooping

little kids out of the water.

It's difficult, you know, to

move the boat through the water,

like, with your hands open

like that --

helmut, you're tracking mud

on the carpet there.

Eh!

Anyway...

Anyway...