The Poker Game/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Here's the man with the spring

in his step

since his pocketwatch exploded

in his pants,

your hero, my uncle, red green!

Whoooo!

Thanks, appreciate it.

(howling)

ooh, red, oooh!

All right.

Thank you very much.

Gonna get the show going

'cause I'm already late for

the monthly poker game.

A bunch of overweight guys,

drinkin' beer, smokin' cigars.

How is

that fun?

Well, you won't be there.

You're all a bunch of shirkers.

You're shirking

your responsibility

by playing poker.

Shirker, shirker,

shirker, shirker!

Sha-a-a-a-ameless shirker!

Shirking your responsibilities,

go play at cards,

indulge in stupid stories full

of exaggeration and innuendo.

You're an awful good guesser.

If that's what being an adult

is about,

I hope

I never grow up.

That could be arranged.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

for gosh sakes,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

(laughing)

(laughing)

the poker game break up early?

You still have

your shirt.

I can't believe it, harold.

I was winning all night.

The last hand, I put

the whole works on the line.

I'm sensing it didn't go well.

It was my favourite game:

"odd man out".

Threes, fives, sevens,

and nines are wild,

plus one-eyed jacks

and the man with the axe.

So I'm sitting there

with 11 queens.

I'm not gonna let on.

Just kinda play it cool.

So stinky bets, I raise,

buster raises, moose folds.

So does the chair

he's sittin' on.

Then stinky raises again,

I raise again, buster calls.

I lay down my 11 queens.

Buster had a full house --

five eights and six nines.

And, uh...

I'm reaching for the pot...

Stinky lays down 12 aces!

Cleaned me right out!

You know, uncle red,

if you played

with fewer wild cards,

you'd have less chance

of someone getting 12 aces.

There were 12

natural aces.

(audience laughing)

uncle red, there's only

four natural aces in a deck,

aren't there?

Well, around that.

I like to take an extra one,

just in case, you know.

Some of the other guys,

maybe...

But there's never more

than five or six extra aces.

If stinky had 12 and there's

only 4, then he brought 8.

Somebody's cheating!

(red): Later on

we'll be doing

a little fruit-picking

with two guys

who are perfect for the job,

bill and harold.

That's a pretty classy-looking

ladder there, but...

The operator is at about

the same level as usual.

This is one of

the old tradtions--

there's no bottom in that.

One of the tradtions

around the lodge is to

forget about

the mechanized-- oh.

Forget about

the mechanized-- ha, ha, ha.

The mechanical equipment

and so on.

'cause it's just

more fun

picking fruit by hand.

It will take a long time

to fill that basket.

It's revenge of the nerds.

There we go.

(laughing)

by golly, eh.

And they say

fruit's not good for ya.

Oh my gosh,

it's watermelon man.

♪ oh, the moon is

a strange shade of yellow ♪

♪ with stripes

of magenta and blue ♪

♪ the clouds are purple

and orange ♪

♪ and the mist smells

like an old shoe ♪

♪ oh, I have

a horrible headache ♪

♪ and I pass out

every minute or two ♪

♪ it's ok to have

a bonfire ♪

♪ but not in

a fibreglass canoe ♪

this is for the big one --

a bench-stop sign

and a coupon for

a free driving lesson!

Uncle red, you have 30 seconds

to get dougie franklin

to say this word...

(quietly): "pet".

"pet".

Ohhhh...

And go.

All right --

dougie?

Yeah!

A dog.

Friend.

No, it's more than a friend.

Family member.

That may very well be.

Ok, how about this -- cat.

Bulldozer!

(audience laughing)

no, no, no,

let's go another way.

When we were young, we wouldn't

make out with girls.

We wouldn't neck with girls.

We would...

... Cry.

No, no, no, no.

The word we used

instead of

"make out" was...

... Lie.

All right, all right.

You get senior citizens,

you know?

And they get lonely --

many doctors will recommend

they get a...

... Lobotomy.

We're almost out of time,

I'm happy to report.

All right,

budgies and parakeets.

These are common household...

... Pe-- pests.

Ohhh!

Ok, you take a pest,

you take the "sss" out.

And what you

have is a...

You got a bladder problem.

(audience laughing)

you know, with monster-truck

drivers,

that's one of our pet peeves.

Ohhh!

What? What?

Congratulations, mr. Franklin!

Last week, for our anniversary,

I gave my wife, bernice,

the entire james bond film

library on videocassette.

Should have seen her face.

Shaken, not stirred.

Later on that evening,

bernice was sleeping upstairs,

snoring like a banshee,

and I was about halfway through

my third... Uh, big film

and I noticed agent 007

strapped on

one of them rocket jet-packs

and just took off -- whoosh! --

Like that.

Just like the time moose

thompson fell off the roof...

Except backwards, you know?

When I saw that jet-pack,

I knew what I had to build

for "handyman corner".

Forget about traffic jams,

parking spaces, and stop signs.

Get yourself a rocket jet-pack.

Here's all you need.

Get a fuel tank --

get some rocket fuel in there.

Get a fuel control valve.

You'll need a fuel igniter and

some kind of a rocket nozzle,

some sort of metal frame

to hold 'er all together,

and, of course, a crash helmet.

You can get this from former

soviet union rocket scientists.

They'll smuggle it out

for a few thousand dollars.

Or you could just look

in your garage.

Personally, I'm leanin'

towards the garage.

Actually, the garage

is leanin' towards me.

(grunting)

ahhh...

There we go, or, as the french

would say, "viola".

All right, first thing

you look at is your fuel tank.

I'm gonna go with

the double tank on this.

I tell ya, me flying up there

17,000 feet,

having to stop for fuel,

that would be... Inconvenient.

You don't see james bond

runnin' out of gas

every half hour,

which is probably how

he gets all those women.

For your hoses

and your rocket nozzle,

just use everything

that comes in the barbecue.

Your 3-2-1 ignition...

You got the barbecue starter

right there.

For your vertical thrust, you

got your burner control knobs.

I guess... Come off

with a wrench of some kind.

You're gonna need

a metal framework

to hold the whole thing

together.

I would use this part

of the unit.

What you wanna do is

form that together

and strap 'er on your back.

You could use seatbelts

for that or heavy rope

or if you wanted

to be real safe...

I recommend the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

Just relax -- take it easy.

You don't have to be

a rocket scientist.

Just like that.

You're ready to take

your equipment and put it on.

You got your fuel lines

attached to your fuel tanks.

They go up, attached in

through your fuel regulators,

and then on

to your rocket nozzles.

What you wanna do there

is just hook them on...

Hook them on the back

of the...

I feel like that guy that makes

all james bond's equipment.

What's his name?

"q" -- yeah,

and his letter's "q", too.

I feel like "q".

I look like "l".

A little spy humour.

Here we go.

There I have my very own

personalized

james bond jet-pack.

Now all I need is

a flying helmet,

or a crash helmet,

as pessimists call it.

For that, I'm gonna use

this unit right here.

Eh? Look at that.

Doesn't that just scream

"safety" and "secret agent"

and "spying" and "danger"?

Just pop that baby on.

Eh? Perfect, isn't it?

I'm the spy who came in

from the coals.

Now we just turn on

our rocket power.

Lost one of my knobs, there.

Here we go.

When I want to take off,

I hit the ignition button.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

I gotta fly!

(explosion)

(grunting)

ahhh...

I see why they have to

keep gettin' new actors

to play james bond.

(coughing)

stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got more.

Want to talk to you guys about

what you should tell your kids

about life.

In my day, fathers didn't talk

that much to their kids.

The only advice my dad gave me

was, "don't slouch like that!"

it wasn't much,

but it meant a lot.

(audience laughing)

you know, I think now

I kinda wish my dad

had given me more advice.

Not that the slouching thing

wasn't really terrific,

but maybe he could have

taught me about career

or money or marriage

or women or relationships,

something along that line.

'course, now it's too late

'cause dad has left us.

He's gone to live in florida.

(laughing)

I was sittin' here, thinking,

"what could I tell people

to tell their youngsters?"

something that would

help them out.

I think of the one thing,

the one piece of advice,

that would have saved me a lot

of grief and time and money.

I know what it is.

Take care of your teeth.

(audience laughing)

yeah, friends come and go,

families come and go,

jobs come and go,

but when you're built

like I am,

you'll use these babies

five, six times a day.

You fellas out there,

take your youngsters aside,

sit them down and say,

"take care of your teeth."

what the heck -- they're not

gonna listen to you anyway.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

(laughing and applause)

harold, look at this.

How many cards in a deck?

Like, a normal deck?

A normal deck of cards.

It depends,

'cause in a euchre deck,

there's less cards, right,

than in a normal deck.

Canasta, there's more cards

than in a normal deck.

That's weird, too, huh?

"old maid", they're bizarre!

They got, like,

the seven of donkeys

and the ace of dragons.

I don't know

what's going on there!

Regular decks sometimes

have two more cards.

There's, like,

an instruction card

and a warranty card

and a blank card.

"it's a blank -- ahhhh!"

fifty-two!

Fifty-two cards.

Regular deck, sure, 52, yeah.

I counted the cards

we played with.

Comes to 94.

Ninety-four?!

That's a lot

of extra jokers.

Yeah, 18 extra.

More or less,

yeah.

That's not counting

these, harold.

Whoa!

Did the card table

come like that?

You came like that,

so I guess anything's possible.

Harold, here's something else.

Stinky happened to be sitting

on this side.

Stinky happened to win

the entire pot.

It's more than a coincidence.

Here's another clue,

uncle red.

These cards are stuck on with

that weird gum stinky chews.

No, that's

his saliva.

Whoa-ah-oh!

Ohhhh!

(siren)

ohhh... Possum 9-1-1!

State your name

and membership number, please!

It's buzz sherwood.

Um, I lost my membership card

but I got a card

from the video store.

All right, that's good enough.

Where you callin' from?

That's just it, red-man.

I don't know where I am --

I'm lost.

Are you in your car

or in your plane?

Let me check.

Ohhh...

Uh... Dingle balls...

Ground's sort of close...

That means he's in his plane.

I'm in a car!

He's in a car?! Wow!

What do you see around there?

Um... Oh! Trees and a hill.

Is that familiar to you guys?

It's hilly and tree-y.

Are there any people around?

I see a guy up ahead.

He's fixing his mailbox.

Oh, man, that's the one

I hit earlier!

I'm going around

in circles, red.

Buzz, keep calm, now.

You'll have to go up

to that guy

and ask him for directions.

Ask... For directions?

How does that work, man?

Don't panic, buzz,

do not panic.

We'll coach you through this.

All right, listen, buzz.

The directions will be

too complicated to remember.

Listen to the first

few things he says

and get an idea of

the direction he's pointing in.

Keep nodding your head until

he says, "you can't miss it."

then just say, "so I was right"

and take off.

(red): Here we are with

"adventures with bill".

I said we weren't going to go

with the mechanized,

but look what we got.

Look at that thing.

This is something

you youngsters

might be interested in.

Bill started as a youngster,

I believe he had the machano

and the lego

and the various other "o's".

And now he's graduated

up the ladder--

we'll not a ladder.

It's a stick boom.

What they find with that is,

as in so many examples

of life,

you mechanize things

and get a machine

that can do the work

of four or five men.

I don't know who the men are

in this case --

not right men.

But you can pick the fruit

not just from the underneath,

but from the sides

and also the top of the tree.

Just grab that

and... All right, all right,

now, in the manual it says

don't grab that lever too hard

because it has a tendency

to come out, and

you're not going to do

a lot of fruit-picking

up in that area.

Try over by the barn.

Oh!

Can you climb--

no he can't.

There we go!

Harold, there's no bottom

in that.

Oh boy, he's up there.

Well, this is another example

of machinery

helping us through life.

I guess it's the end

of his shift.

Got him, harold?

Oh, lost him in the sun.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Ow!

Here's a stuffed cat from

wtvp-47 in peoria.

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

got too much starch

in your shirt?

Got the cheating problem

all straightened out

and I'm all set

for the rematch with stinky.

Just the two of us,

eyeball to eyeball,

winner take all.

Aww, cool!

Yeah, like brett maverick,

frontier gambler, huh?

Or paul newman in "the sting"?

Remember? He played poker

against robert shaw

in the train.

He was henry gondorf

and he burped really loud.

You know what you need?

A good poker face.

I don't have one.

Bring it here and

let me poke it for you.

How are you gonna beat stinky?

You been taking

poker lessons?

I don't need lessons.

You do,

because--

oh, man!

You were

gonna cheat!

No, harold.

He was gonna cheat!

No, harold.

It's no wonder

my generation's so cynical.

I hope you are very proud

of yourself, young man.

Gotta go,

harold.

You got cards in your pants!

(audience laughing)

looks like a straight flush.

No, no, no,

no, no.

No, harold, no!

Full house.

(audience laughing)

welcome to the expert portion

of the show,

where we examine those words

that men find so difficult.

(audience):

"I don't know!"

ok, joining my uncle red

this week

is his best friend

in the whole room, local roofer

arnie dogan!

(howling)

this week's

letter

goes

as follows.

"dear experts, I have a string

of unsuccessful careers.

"I was a urea formaldehyde

salesman.

"I invested my savings in pogs,

"thinking they could only

increase in value.

"currently, I'm a travel agent

for valujet.

"is the whole world

against me or what?"

before the world's

gonna be against you,

you must meet more people.

Just ask harold.

Hey!

(audience laughing)

in my experience,

the world is never against ya.

In the roofing business,

you only got

three natural enemies --

wind, gravity,

and wet shingles.

How is the leg,

mr. Dogan?

They were gonna put

a steel pin in,

but I already got aluminum

in there

from when I landed on buster

hadfield's t.V. Antenna.

Ohhh.

Nobody at dogan

and sons roofing

complains that

the world's against us.

When my dad dropped 60 feet

onto that ford fairlane,

he was just glad

it was a convertible.

The driver wasn't

too thrilled about it.

No.

Neither was his widow.

Yeah.

It's a healthy attitude.

You're taking responsibility

for life.

That's it, yeah.

I wrote a song about that

for my next c.D.

You didn't

have to!

On the dogan label

from dogan distributing.

The album comes out

when we get

that roofing contract

at the community centre.

(clearing throat)

goes like this...

No, I've heard it.

You haven't heard this one.

This is a special new one.

♪ when you feel like a toad

on the highway of life ♪

♪ and everyone seems like

a steel-belted radial ♪

♪ when you're lyin' there

squished ♪

♪ in an assortment

of body fluids ♪

♪ hey, at least

you left your mark ♪

(laughing and applause)

thank you.

(applause)

well, I can't wait

to see that video.

Oooh!

(harold singing

quietly)

(audience laughing)

the good news

is, whatever goes around,

comes around.

I won back everything I lost

in the poker game.

Shame, shame --

how about your honour?

You lost that

when you decided to cheat.

I was fighting fire with fire.

No, you were fighting fire

with aces in

your underwear.

Shame, shame!

You profited

by deceit.

I didn't profit, harold.

I just broke even,

plus a little bit.

We got a new agreement

on cheating.

You can only bring

five extra cards

and you gotta use them

in one hand.

(possum squeal)

meeting time, uncle red.

Too bad you feel bad

about cheating.

I was gonna give you 10%

of my winnings.

That's all right, I understand.

No, I'm frowning

on it.

I'm frowning --

this is a frown.

10% is very generous of you.

Really?

Yeah, so I don't want

to be rude.

Here you go.

Enjoy.

Toothpicks!

Yeah, toothpicks, yeah.

You're playing

for toothpicks!

I thought you

played for money.

You gotta have money

to play for money.

Toothpicks in your pocket's

a real killer.

Ooh, they're all used!

Man, I was rollin'.

I could have won

stinky's matches, too,

but he's got the wood stove.

Didn't want him to freeze.

You go ahead, harold.

I'll see you later.

Toothpicks!

Don't spend them all

on one mouth!

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home.

If you hear I was cheating,

it was during poker

so don't think about things

to do to a sleeping man

with 12,000 toothpicks.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

(harold): All rise!

Up! Up and at 'em!

(red): Ok.

All right.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down.

I have a happy announcement

for you.

Old man sedgwick, who won

the four cases of whiskey

at christmas, is now

up and around again.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!