Water Slide/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold:

Since the beginning of time,

men have tried to do things

that didn't always make sense

or were seen as pointless and

foolish and really, really dumb.

Well, keeping this tradition

in mind,

we welcome you to a new kind

of television show.

Well, you know, in a way,

well, it may seem like that,

but we're not here to criticize,

and maybe you should consider

the same approach.

It's time

for "the red green show,"

starring my own uncle

since birth, red green!

Thank you very much,

and welcome to the show.

And, uh, thank you

for tuning us in

as you zap through the channels

in hopes of finding

something better on.

Uh, we certainly appreciate

the opportunity.

Yeah, we had a heck of a time

up at the lodge this week.

Uh, we built ourselves

our very own waterslide.

And, you know,

speaking of waterslides,

harold,

come on over here.

Harold is the producer

and director of our show.

They tell me has some sort of

a sense of, uh, production

and also he has this machine

that does things.

Oh, you mean this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

it's a video-effects machine.

It enables me

to go to pretaped segments

if I deem it desirable,

if not essential.

It's a team effort

to do a show like this.

And, actually,

building the waterslide

was a team effort, too.

We all had to dig right in,

pitch in, and work together.

Excuse me, uncle red, you know,

you got to remember sometimes

that a break is just as

important as the work itself.

Now, I realize

you're just about to tell

this wonderful story

about the waterslide,

but as your producer,

I might suggest

that you just sort of go on

to the next segment, right?

And that way,

you can have a break.

Let me show you.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ I've got a terrible headache,

I've had it all day ♪

♪ it throbs, and it pounds,

and it won't go away ♪

♪ I got it from driving

that van of mine ♪

♪ I'm either gonna have to start

wearing a seat belt ♪

♪ or slowing down

for the speed bumps ♪

♪ hmm ♪

♪ hmm ♪

ohh.

Not now.

This week, uh,

in the "handyman corner,"

uh, we're gonna show you

how you can repair

these little, uh, annoying nicks

and cracks

and stone chips and what have

you in your windshield.

They have a new product out now.

It's kind of a liquid glass,

silicone kind of a deal.

Uh, but before we get

to the silicone liquid glass,

there's a few steps

that you have to take.

For example, take the crack

that's in the windshield,

and you have to isolate it

by, uh, punching a hole

at each end of the crack

so that the cracks won't --

won't spread.

All right, uh, now,

what's happened here

is we've -- we've actually

created a few more cracks.

So, uh, we have

to now isolate them

by, uh, putting holes

at the end of those cracks.

Uh, and -- and -- and so on.

All right,

uh, I seem to have all the --

all the cracks isolated

so that the remainder of the

windshield will still be safe.

Uh, now what we do is we, uh --

we take this belt sander

and we have to rough up the

edges of the chips of, uh, glass

so that the silicone

will stick to it.

All right,

I seem to have created,

uh, a bit more

of a problem here,

so we have to kind of abandon

the, uh, silicone liquid-glass

kind of a solution,

and we have to go with another

way to solve our problem

using the handyman's

secret weapon, uh, duct tape.

All right, well, uh,

we put the duct tape

to kind of hold her

in place there.

We just want to tap it in to

make it kind of be watertight.

The rain will get in there

sure as -- sure as heck.

Now, so, uh, there we go.

Uh, clean as a whistle.

No cracks.

Perfect visibility, and, uh,

you get the added benefit

of the fresh air and ventilation

coming at you

while you're driving.

And, uh, any of the downside

of this particular repair job

is more than offset

by my auxiliary windshield.

So, uh, that's how easy it is to

do your own windshield repairs.

I would highly recommend

some sort of safety goggles

when you're breaking the glass,

though.

So, until next time,

remember --

if women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Wait a minute.

They've got a crack in them.

Don't go away.

Uh, I've got a story to finish

and a show to finish.

Uncle red's stories

always finish the show for me.

Wa-a-a!

"it is autumn, Halloween.

"I follow the path

of the pumpkin.

"first, it's a jack-o'-lantern.

"then it's a pumpkin pie.

Would have tasted better

if we'd taken out the candle."

so, anyway, as I was saying,

uh, we wanted to build

this waterslide,

and first thing we needed

was the slide part,

and, boy,

those things are expensive.

So, uh, what we did was

we went out at night,

and, uh, we just stole

animal-feed troughs

from farms in the area.

What the heck?

You know, I mean,

animals having a place to eat

is not near as important

as us having fun.

And, besides, them farmers

are all on government subsidies

anyway.

Uncle red, I don't think

you can justify trough theft

by saying it's just for fun,

nor taking a cheap shot

at the poor farmers

of this great country.

It doesn't do much

for your image.

And I'll admit,

I'm disappointed in you, uh-huh,

speaking as your nephew.

It's just a story, harold.

Well...

All right.

We didn't steal

the feed troughs.

We found them on

our own property...Eventually.

And maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe farmers aren't getting

government subsidies.

Maybe the alfalfa crop

paid for those cadillacs.

I don't know.

Anyway, uh, we attached

the troughs all together

using the handyman's

secret weapon -- duct tape --

and then we ran

the chain of troughs

from the roof of the lodge

all the way down to the lake.

Boy, that sounds great,

uncle red.

Way to go.

That sounds like a lot of work.

Break time!

[ keyboard clacking ]

now, why would I want

to take a break now, harold?

Because basically

you're a kind person.

We're out here on location

with, uh, my good buddy,

uh, dougie franklin

right here

and his amazing

monster truck.

Dougie,

how are you today?

I'm, uh -- I'm fine.

Thank you very much.

I'm glad to hear it,

'cause you know, doug,

last time we were here,

doug said he'd take us

for a little spin in the truck,

and, uh, well, we're kind of

excited about it.

So today's the day.

Here we are, doug.

[ clears throat ]

well, last time,

when I made you that offer, red,

I had my license,

and I'm afraid

it's been --

it's been suspended

for a while -- just a while.

Oh, my gosh, dougie,

what happened?

Uh, get a speeding ticket?

Uh, run a red light?

Have an accident?

What was it?

Yeah.

Oh, you had a bad day.

Well, I did.

I was, uh -- I was caught doing

about 60 mile an hour

down the sidewalk.

Took out a red light,

and actually

I took out the pole

that was holding it up

as well,

[sighs]

and I had a slight altercation

with, uh,

a few automotive vehicles.

A few?

Nine of them.

Nine vehicles. Nine cars.

[ speaks indistinctly ]

oh, my gosh.

Was anybody hurt?

Well, that's the --

if there's an upside,

that'd be the upside.

Fortunately,

nobody was hurt.

They was all parked,

all nine of them in a row,

at one of them

bmw dealerships.

"bimmers,"

I think they call them.

Oh, my gosh.

You ran into nine bmws?

No, imelda here,

she doesn't run into nothing.

I ran over nine bmws.

But, fortunately,

uh, god bless her,

I just got a little scratch

on the bottom of my oil pan.

When you're mounting

one of those bmws,

you know, up the side,

the sunroof has a tendency

to flip up on you,

and that's what happened.

Sunroofs come up

and actually --

it's right under there --

scraped my oil pan right up.

Oh, for gosh sakes.

Yeah.

But it's okay.

I hope you're insured

for all this, doug.

Well, I was insured,

uh, but, uh, not anymore.

I called the insurance company,

you know, moments after.

Uh, got a friend's mobile phone

in imelda there.

Called them,

and that insurance salesman,

he was down there

in just a matter --

he must live right nearby.

He was a perky little fellow.

He was right down there,

and a couple of minutes later,

this insurance adjuster,

I think they call them,

he come in tow,

and I guess probably about,

oh, just a matter of minutes

after he was there,

this crowd

started gathering around,

and, uh...You know,

as I said, there's a good side.

You've got to look

on the bright side.

And the bright side

of this

was I got some great publicity

out of it.

And, uh,

I learned something.

You know, everything is --

it's a big experience in this

life, and I learned something.

I learned that,

uh, for example,

them poles

that hold up the stoplights,

they hold up a lot more

than a stoplight.

I'll tell you that

right now.

They hold up, uh -- they also

hold up the streetlight.

They hold up

power transformers.

And they also hold up

enough cable there --

enough to power up

the entire downtown core.

I'll tell you that.

And there's one funny thing

I found is it just --

it's like --

it's like a dream,

but I can remember

the funny thing --

you know

them bus shelters?

You hit one of them

at 60 mile an hour,

and when they explode, they make

kind of a poppin' sound.

Just like a bang,

and it was just all over.

The funniest little sound.

It's a weird, weird thing.

You learned a lot.

I did.

You do learn

that there's a downside,

but there's always

an upside.

That's what I'm saying,

I guess.

Best of luck to you,

doug.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate that, red.

Thank you.

Dougie franklin,

uh, a man who's a little wiser.

I am.

Not -- not too much wiser,

but a little wiser.

Well,

you got to take your bumps.

That's what I'm doing here,

sitting on this baby,

and I can't driver her

nowhere.

Nine bmws, eh?

[ sighs ] yeah.

I'll tell you,

I learned something else, too.

People don't like them yuppies

too much.

They were --

they were applauding

when they looked at them things

wrecked.

Yeah.

I guess it just goes to show

you, you drive one of those,

alls you're doing is telling

everybody how much money you got

and how little

everybody else has, you know?

Well, you rose above them,

didn't you?

I certainly did.

I rose above all of them...

And over them

and down the other side.

That's the important part.

That was.

I come out ahead.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ there's a time in the evening

when everything is still ♪

♪ when the moon's doing things

that the sun never will ♪

♪ it's a magical time

that's good for your soul ♪

♪ and someone makes

an incredibly rude noise ♪

♪ and brings you back

to reality ♪

I said I was sorry.

You killed the fire.

Oh, uncle red, I hope

you're ready for today's mail,

because we got

some interesting questions.

Better put on

your thinking cap.

They're really deep,

and we want some deep answers.

All right,

uh, 50 fathoms.

[ laughs ]

50 fathoms.

That's funny.

[ laughs ]

50 fathoms.

That's really funny.

'cause I said

some deep questions,

so you said,

like, a deep answer,

because that's how, like,

they measure the depth of water,

bodies of water,

with fathoms.

[ chuckles ]

50 fathoms. That's --

[ laughs ]

I'm gonna write that down.

Uncle red,

that's one of your better ones.

Fathoms. 50 fathoms.

How do you spell "fathoms"?

Just read the letter,

harold.

I should probably read.

Don't make me kill you.

All right.

Um, letter number one.

"dear red,

what is the meaning of life?"

all right, uh, harold,

I'd like to answer that question

in two parts.

Who knows?

And who cares?

Excellent.

That's --

that's really deep.

That's fantastic.

That's -- that's great.

It's very --

well, what do they say?

It's like,

um, existential.

Who cares?

That's existentialism.

Or is it, uh, alienation --

confusion?

Is it confusion

more so --

next letter, harold.

The next letter.

All righty, here we go.

Letter number two.

"dear red,

do you think we should

teach the bible in school?"

well, harold, as you know, uh,

I read the bible a great deal,

with the amount of time

I spend in motels.

And, uh,

I find that the bible

has a great deal to say

to, uh -- to young people today,

even 20 centuries after --

after it's written.

I think young people

should read the bible,

and they should enjoy it.

It has a lot to teach them,

and it has some tremendous

insights into life.

So, no,

I think you should keep it

out of the school system

altogether.

Excellent.

Direct and to the point.

Wonderful, uncle red.

Okay, letter number three.

"dear red,

sometimes I stand alone

"on the top of a hill

at night

"and stare up at the stars

for hours and hours,

"marveling at their beauty

and complexity.

"and then suddenly I burst

into tears and throw up.

And I wonder --

are we alone in this universe?"

well, I'm not,

but it sounds like you are.

That was --

that was very nice.

It was maybe perhaps

a bit insensitive, granted,

but it was --

it was direct to the viewer.

That's -- that's the important

thing, I suppose.

Okay, well, that's --

that's very good.

Well answered.

Thank you very much, uncle red.

[ chuckles ] fathoms.

[ chuckles ]

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Something a little bit,

uh, different for you

on this "adventure with bill"

this week.

Gonna show you about signaling.

What that thing there is some

sort of a smoke, smog bomb.

Bill, you know, goes just

a little bit too far.

And if you inhale that stuff,

apparently, uh, it can kill you.

However,

these are the chances you take.

And this is a big mirror.

He's gonna --

oh, thank you, bill.

Thank you.

And then he --

you know, this is real bright,

you know, in every way,

and, of course, he --

and now bill can't see

where he's going, and --

[ glass shattering ]

whoa!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Well, you can even signal with

pieces of a mirror, apparently.

But, luckily, we brought

the sunglasses with us.

And here are some other things

you can signal with,

like a lady's hand mirror

and, uh, a butcher knife,

which isn't a bad idea to have

around when bill's there.

Mirror off my van.

This is a little lighter.

And, uh, I guess that's a --

that'd be a frypan there,

and this is a bust of elvis.

You don't have

too many of those,

but they got the silver

sunglasses on him.

You can signal with those.

And, uh, a can of -- oh.

Geez!

I should have said an empty can

is probably better.

Boy, that spaghettio

can really stick to you, huh?

And then there's the whistle.

But -- bill, bill!

[ whistle blows ]

oh, oh, oh, is that loud.

Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Oh.

[ coughing ]

and elvis has left the building.

Now, these are some,

uh, signal flags.

I think you get more signaling

out of what's coming off

his underarms

than you do out of the --

out of the flags.

Bill's a kind of unusual

human being, isn't he?

He can almost fly,

I would think.

His head is light enough.

Oh, oh, oh!

Look, out, look out, look out.

Ah, serves him right.

And then he had something --

I-I kind of liked this.

This is a signal kite.

You put "s.O.S." on it,

and then you send it up,

and I guess a plane flying over

or maybe somebody looking up

into the sky seeing it

knows that, you know,

at the other end of the string

there's somebody in trouble.

Boy, is that ever true.

So he got her up there,

flying up there pretty good.

And, uh, she was going out

1,000, 2,000 feet,

and all of a sudden,

we got a snag,

and it, uh -- the darn thing

had wrapped itself

around the hydro wire.

Anyway, you know --

oh, thank you.

Thank you, bill.

And the idea was -- here's

another method of signaling.

This is a gun.

You shoot four shots in the air.

Universal signal.

Of course, what we didn't

realize was he was shooing

right at the hydro wire

that had the kite on it.

And down she comes, and there's

about 10,000 volts there.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Ow! Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, my golly.

Now here's one that we kind of

stole from the indians,

using a blanket to signal with,

and, uh, the problem here

is bill didn't remember

where the broken glass was.

It's right there, bill.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

But I had some vise grips with

me, so we got that out of there.

Oh!

This won't hurt.

Oh.

So, he went

and got another blanket

and put that over the fire,

and the idea is

you let the blanket kind of sit

on there, let the smoke build up

so that when you release it,

you know, it's gonna give you

a real good puff

that'll go way up into the air.

So we flip her off, and, uh...

Well, it wasn't real successful.

And, of course,

this is because the fire

was, uh, pretty well dead out.

So we got another fire going,

got a real good one going

this time.

Got another blanket,

and, uh, threw that on there,

and, again, you let it kind of

build up underneath.

Uh, maybe we got the fire

just a --

just a tad on the warm side.

Maybe we needed more smoke

and maybe --

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Boy, it's a good thing

bill knows what to do

in an emergency,

'cause he causes a hell

of a lot of them.

"it is winter --

"a time for quiet walks

and peaceful thoughts,

"to stare blankly

at the gentle snowflakes

"as they fall through

the naked trees

and then to slip

and bang your head on the lake."

saw a movie from the video store

the other day.

Oh.

Good one?

Well, it was, uh --

it was great.

It was

a time-traveling thing.

They had a phone booth,

and the guys who get in it,

in the phone booth, they can

travel to a different time.

Oh,

that sounds excellent!

You ever thought of that?

Ah, getting in a phone booth

and just traveling.

You know,

if you had a time machine,

what if you would have gone,

you know,

and you went like

10 million years

and came right back

to when you were right now,

would it be right now,

or would it be a different now?

It would be the s-- it would be

close to the same now.

It would be really close

to the same now.

How close?

Really close,

but only different.

What time would you go to

if you could time travel?

Uh,

I'd go to around 7:30.

Today, like, in the future

or yesterday or this morning?

There's so many.

I'd have to think about it.

You would have to.

You have to be specific.

Yeah.

But, you know, time flies

when you're having fun.

Or, as we say...Time is fun

when you're having flies.

Get it?

Oh, it's a bait joke.

I'd like apologize

to any of the farmers

who I may have offended,

and, uh,

if you'll forgive me,

uh, I'll tell you the rest

of the waterslide story.

Don't go for it.

It's a trick.

One's still kind of jammed

under there.

Well, that's one of them

small ones.

I think they call them

a 3 series.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're just

a four -- a four-cylinder job.

Kind of sporty-looking,

though.

They are.

They come with, uh --

apparently, you can get

real leather upholstery

in that model.

Although,

uh, if you look at it,

the, uh, glove compartment

is, uh, still shut.

I think the manual

and everything's right in there

like it was brand-new.

I think the keys

are in it, doug.

Oh, I doubt she'll turn over

on you there, red.

I know we, uh, got a lot of

young people watching our show

as some sort of a punishment.

And, uh, I know harold

gets a chance to talk to you,

but, you know, that's more of

a contractual thing

that he insisted on,

not that his segment

has any real value to it.

Now, to my mind,

you need someone a little older,

someone maybe who's been

down the road a time or two

to give you young people

some advice on -- on growing up.

Like maybe you just turned 16,

and, uh, you got

your driver's license,

and you're excited as heck

about that,

and, uh, next thing you know,

you've stolen a car.

Of course, you want to go down

to the high school

and start showing off,

doing the donuts and the figure

eights in the flower beds there

and get her up onto two wheels

and through the front door

of the school

so you can peel rubber

up and down the halls.

I know that sounds like a lot of

fun, but, please, play it smart.

Wear your seat belt.

So, anyway, uh, you got

to picture this waterslide

with all the troughs,

uh, duct-taped together

running from the chimney

all the way down to the lake.

And, god, we were all pretty

excited about it, you know,

so, uh, moose thompson --

he was real rared up.

He stripped down

to his underwear,

and away he goes before

we'd actually had a chance

to put any water on it,

you know.

I mean, all you could hear

was the squealing sound

of moose's skin coming off,

you know,

and, of course,

the rest of us laughed.

And with moose going first,

uh, he soon realized

that the, uh, waterslide

went almost to the water,

but, you know, not quite.

So we put another trough

on the end there,

and we called 911 for moose.

And then, uh, buster and stinky

had a couple of good runs on it,

'cause we had the water going

by then.

But it wasn't fast enough

for old man sedgwick.

So he took off all his clothes,

skivvies and the whole deal,

and, uh, covered himself

with salad oil, right?

Well, we were out

of french dressing.

And, uh, so, I mean, he was

really whipping down there,

and about 2/3 of the way down,

we heard what we hoped

was the sound of him

breaking the sound barrier.

And, uh, he comes out

the end of the waterslide,

skips four times

across the lake,

and, uh, lands in the bonfire

at the girl guides camp.

And, uh, he always makes

a bad first impression, anyway.

We all decided, though, that the

waterslide was too dangerous,

and as luck would have it,

a minute later

it collapsed, anyway.

So, uh, live and learn,

or just live, you know?

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming

straight home tonight,

and, uh, I wouldn't mind a back

scratch if you're not too tired.

Anyway, uh, to the rest of you,

thank you for watching,

and on behalf of myself

and, um...Harold,

uh, and all the rest of the gang

up here at the lodge,

uh, keep your stick on the ice.