Whittling Contest/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ glass shatters ]

harold: The time is now.

The place is here.

And, of course, it's b.Y.O.B.

What else when you're

at the red green lodge

for "the red green show,"

starring my uncle

and the renowned raconteur --

well, he's a bit long-winded

for my liking,

but sarah burton wanted way too

much money for what we wanted.

Anyway, the owner

of the red green lodge

and the star

of "the red green show,"

mr. Red green!

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Welcome to the show.

Thank you, harold, for that

interesting introduction.

I surely hope

I can live down to it.

No problem, uncle red.

Why don't you come on

over here a minute, harold?

I'll introduce you.

For those of you who have

never seen the show before,

which is about everybody,

according to the ratings,

harold here is the producer,

director, and also my nephew,

which sort of tells you,

is a bit of a huge favor

involved in the show here.

I think it would only be fair

to also mention

that I control these elaborate

video-effects equipment

that keeps the show

young and hip.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a-a!

I do it to move on

to the next segment,

or if I feel

this current segment

is failing to sustain

the interests

of our ever-increasing

viewer demand...

Yes, not right now,

harold,

because you introduced me

as a raconteur,

and I have to racont a while

before we move on.

Oh, okay.

I'm just gonna play

with my ax a little bit

while you racont,

but I will be listening.

Larry?

You hear me, right?

Okay.

All right, well,

up at the lodge last night,

it was getting late, but we

didn't really want to go to bed,

and there weren't

enough dice for yahtzee,

uh, so we decided to have

a whittling contest.

Uh-huh.

Sorry.

Oh, was that you, larry?

All right, so, we all went out

looking for a piece of wood

that we could carve

into something,

and we said that 11:00

would be the cutoff.

You had to have

your entry in by then,

and first prize would be

that your entry

didn't go into the fire.

Harold, you took us

into the next segment.

Oh, sorry, uncle red.

Larry, don't!

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ jams and jellies

and candies and sweets ♪

♪ nutmeg and easter egg

and assorted meats ♪

♪ chocolates and macaroons and

various unidentified treats ♪

♪ I think it's time

someone washed these sheets ♪

this week on "handyman corner,"

I'm gonna take you outside

and show you

how to change a flat tire.

Everybody gets a flat tire

quite often, actually.

Maybe you got it from, uh,

tailgating one of them

glass-delivery trucks

or maybe you run over an animal

while he was yawning.

I got this one

from old man sedgwick

picking his toenails and

throwing them out the window.

Anyway, uh, the first step here

is to, uh, get the hubcap

off there.

All right, now, uh,

this particular wheel

has been on the truck,

uh, since I bought her new.

And, now, some people say

you should rotate the tires.

I don't really understand that.

I mean, they get rotated

while you're --

I mean, I think some people

just look for work.

But with them being on there

that long,

these nuts are rusted on there

like a cowflap on a waffle iron.

So what we need to do is, uh,

throw in some penetrating oil.

And I say, you know, if you're

gonna put penetrating oil on it,

uh, there's no sense

being skimpy, holding back.

You got to really,

really soak it in there,

and, you know, we like soaking

things, uh, up at the lodge.

I mean, for the price of a can

of this stuff, you know,

it's --

it's very, very cost-effective.

But, uh...

Ohhhh.

I love the smell of this stuff.

You know, and it's starting

to loosen me up a little, too.

Give me a minute.

All right, now.

Okay, maybe I -- maybe I used

a little too much

of the penetrating oil there.

Anyway, now we got to loosen off

the nuts here.

Uh, all right.

All right. That'll do her.

Uh, now I got the tire iron.

Put the tire iron on there.

It's a simple tool,

but it's a useful tool,

like my brother-in-law.

All right.

[ grunting ]

all right.

All right,

what we're finding now

is that the, uh, nuts

on this wheel

are tighter than, say,

the disks on my spine.

So, uh, we got to switch

the law of the lever,

which is, uh --

"it's not working, leave her."

all right, uh...

What I do now is,

uh, stick this pipe on.

Stick this pipe on.

This adds some, uh, leverage,

and I can really, uh --

really horse this down now.

Oh. Really horse her.

Really, really...Horse her down.

All right. It's going.

It's going, going,

going, going, going.

[ grunts ]

well, as confucius say,

"if at first you don't succeed,

switch to power tools."

a power ratchet, rocket winch,

racket wrench, racket wrench,

syringe.

Put that on here, and --

oh! Oh!

All right, just a little...

[ buzzing ]

oh.

Uh, all right.

What we're gonna have to do

is switch to an innovative

alternative

to the normal

tire-changing technology,

and this will require

the handyman's secret weapon --

duct tape.

[ duct tape rips ]

[ grunts ]

what we do is, uh,

we've duct-taped the spare tire

right on to the flat there.

Of course, now, this is only

temporary, unless it works.

So, that's got her done.

Uh, remember,

until the next time --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ engine turns over ]

[ tires screech ]

we'll be right back

with the results

of the whittling contest.

If there's time.

We can only hope.

[ thunder crashes ]

"it is spring.

"the groundhog comes out

of his hole and sees his shadow.

"it is the shadow

of my right front tire.

"that means winter

will last another six weeks,

but not for him."

so, uh, as I was saying earlier,

uh, we had the judging

for the whittling contest

at about 11:00.

Uh, stinky peterson went first.

He held up a tree branch

that he'd carved out

of the coffee table.

Did a heck of a nice job

on it, too.

And old man sedgwick got up, but

he didn't have anything to show

because he thought we'd said

"whistling" contest.

And he was real mad

because he'd gone the whole

evening without eating crackers,

and he had taken his teeth out,

which explained

why moose thompson

couldn't get comfortable

in the naugahyde recliner.

Excuse me, uncle red.

I don't mean to interrupt the

flow of this fascinating story

you're articulating

so well,

but I was just wondering --

I've got a little problem.

Do you know

what this control does?

No, I don't, harold.

It does that.

How you doing, glen?

Hello, red. How'd you like

to take a ride in the rv?

Dolores

is all ready to go.

Dolores?

Are you taking the ex-wife?

No. [ laughs ]

my rv is dolores.

My ex-wife's name's, uh...

Something else.

Anyway, she's all gassed up,

oiled up, washer-fluid up,

battery-acid up --

ready to go.

Oh, my gosh.

Want to get going?

We can just

jump on the road.

No, no. Can't do it.

Can't do it, glen.

I'm kind of tied up

today,

but I need this outboard motor

fixed, you know.

Oh, well, red, uh, geez.

I'm a little busy, red.

Oh, glen,

I'm really strapped.

I need this.

I need this done.

Well, I got a lot

of jobs to do, red.

You're gonna have to

take a number.

Well, all right.

Uh, where's the numbers?

Oh, right. Yeah --

that's the first job I got to do

is find a place

for that rack with the numbers.

Well, uh, maybe you could

just take a quick look-see.

I think it's kind of --

the pull cord, I think,

has come off the wheel.

See, she kind of...

Right. Yeah.

Like that.

Well, a new motor's

gonna cost $1,200, red.

Yeah. Well,

I was just kind of thinking

we'd just get

this one fixed.

We're a little strapped for cash

up at the lodge.

Oh, right. Okay.

Uh, well,

you'd better grab my tools.

Yeah. Okay.

All right.

All right. All right.

Oh, that's not good

for the motor, red.

[ grunts ] okay.

Watch the rv.

Uh, yeah.

Um...

What do you suggest?

Oh, I'll get

an apple box here, red.

Yeah.

That's what we'll do.

Okay, great.

Oh, great.

Oh, thanks a lot.

That's great.

That's super.

That's super.

I'll just get...

Uh...

Pull cord.

Uh...

I thought you were

gonna get my tools.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

All right.

Okay.

Could you grab me a root beer

in there, red?

Yeah, sure.

Boy, if it's not one thing,

it's another in this business.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ if you're happy

and you know it ♪

♪ get up out of your chair

and get in your car ♪

♪ and get the hell away

from here as fast as you can ♪

♪ if you're happy

and you know it ♪

♪ get up out of your chair

and get in your car ♪

♪ out of here ♪

♪ and get the hell away

from here as fast as you can ♪

♪ happy ♪

♪ if you're happy

and you know it ♪

♪ get up

out of your chair ♪

car -- get in!

♪ get in your car ♪

♪ get the hell away from here

as fast as you can ♪

quicker than that,

even.

All right.

That went well.

Oh, uncle red,

this is so great.

It's viewer mail time.

This is my favorite part

of the show,

and many people's, as well,

'cause this has gone

from potential liability

to an obvious highlight

in the program,

to which I attribute

only the fact

that I have added

so many production values,

and everything that's happening

is due to me.

I truly believe that.

Just read the letter,

harold.

I'll just get

right to the letter, I suppose.

See, that's good,

'cause you're helping

with the pacing and stuff.

That's really great that you

remind me of those things.

This letter today

is from quebec.

"dear rouge vert...

"I'm trying to understand

your show,

"but the language

is so confusing.

"could you please

help me?

"tell me the difference

between a mountain lion,

a puma, and a cougar."

well, harold,

basically, the spelling.

Other than that, those three

are all the same animal.

What?

What do you mean by that?

Like, they're in the same family

or something?

'cause they're not

the same animal,

unless, of course, I completely

misunderstood my mammals volume

of the time life

books I got at the I.G.A.

No, those are

the same animal, harold.

See, in english,

we have slang words.

So, we'll say "groundhog"

or we'll call it a gopher.

It's the same animal.

Or a deer, we'll call it a doe,

a stag, or a buck.

Uh, if you have a camel

with one hump,

we call that

a dromedary.

If a camel

has three humps,

we call

the national enquirer.

And, of course,

with a beaver,

we'll call that

a muskrat or a badger,

but they're all

the same animal.

You sure, uncle red?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And another thing

people don't realize

is that a moose and an elk

and a mountain goat,

all three of those are the --

they're the same animal.

And also a woodpecker.

All four of those,

actually, are the same animal.

Oh, no way.

No, that can't possibly be.

I don't even believe that.

No way.

I think there's

a dramatic difference

between a woodpecker

and a mountain goat.

Are you calling me

a liar, harold?

Oh, no, no, no,

uncle red.

No, no.

I wouldn't call you a liar.

Just, you know, you could be

operating under sheer ignorance.

Oh, okay.

That's all right.

[ film projector clicking ]

red:

Something a little different

on the "adventures with bill"

this week.

Uh, bill thought he'd show you

that he's a bit of a sport,

bit of a natural --

well, not really natural

at anything, I guess,

but he thought he'd show you

about water skiing.

You know, I think

maybe cleaning off the dock

uh, might have been...

Well, you know.

Anyway, he gets himself

set up there.

This is the way

he's gonna take off.

A little bit easier.

Now, he wanted to explain to me

the hand signals.

Speed up. Slow down.

Uh, go straight.

Turn left.

I got bored with it.

Anyway, whatever.

And then this stuff,

I'm just...

Anyway, he's all set,

throws the rope in

and gives me the signal,

and I love this part.

I just love

just giving it the gas.

Yeah.

And, oh.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, my.

[ whining ]

[ blows ]

that's a shame.

That's a shame.

So, he puts

some, uh, goalie gloves on

to make it a little easier

on the fingers,

but then I couldn't get

the signal.

Okay. I got it.

Oh, love this part.

Yeah, yeah.

And away we go.

But, look, his ski got jammed

between the boards on the dock

there, and what a shame.

Aaaaah!

Water skiing's

kind of dangerous.

He tried to get a little closer

to the edge this --

well...Oh, oh.

Uh, maybe a little too close.

Now he sits farther back

so he won't --

oh, looks good, looks good,

looks good.

Oh, oh, oh.

Well, I think he's okay.

You okay, bill?

Yeah, yeah.

He's fine. All right.

This was a misunderstanding.

He was, uh, bringing a ski in,

and he gave me the signal

meaning he had the ski,

but I thought -- 'cause I love

this part, you know.

And, oh, boy.

I felt bad.

Yow!

Uh, he's okay, though.

Now he's finally figured he'll

sit on the edge of the dock,

and that way

he can control it better.

Give me then --

this is away we go.

Oh, boy. Love the boat.

Love it.

Uh, what he didn't notice,

I guess, and I didn't either,

was that the rope

was kind of tied around,

and I was kind of busy

driving there,

and I think he just kind of

got ready for a big jolt there.

But it was actually --

oh, oh, ow.

Oh, my goodness.

And, uh, bill's okay, you know.

He's, uh, tied up

for the weekend.

Okay. First we got to flip

the cover off this motor.

Take a little quick look

inside here.

Flip them up.

This here?

That's it.

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. All right.

Okay.

Now we need

the cordless drill.

Oh, that's right here.

And I need the buffing wheel.

[ tools clattering ]

okay.

Now I want you

to slap these together.

Okay.

This just, uh --

it'll go straight here

and clips in?

Is that how she works?

That's it.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Now, can you take that

up to the front

and just buff the bumper

while I, uh,

fix the motor?

You want me to do that?

Well, red, I'm taking time off

from cleaning the rv

to fix your motor.

All right.

All right.

Fair enough.

[ buffer whirring ]

not too hard.

What?

Don't take the paint right off

the bumper -- not too hard.

Oh.

[ buffer whirring ]

how's it going?

Oh, just taking a break.

Letting the lubricants

get to the bolts.

Oh, all right.

I'll just, uh --

I'll just go finish up, then.

Just get underneath.

Can you get underneath?

I like it nice and clean

underneath.

Yeah.

All that road slime

gets up there.

Yeah.

[ buffer whirring ]

[ burps ]

[ whirring stops ]

okay, red.

I'm finished.

Great, great.

Yeah, me too.

Uh, so,

what's the word here?

Well, you see

the cord there?

Yeah.

Take it off,

tie a knot in the end of it,

put it back on the wheel.

Should be fine, ready to go.

Uh, well,

what did you do, glen?

Well, I replaced

the housing,

cleaned out the valves,

and cleaned up

the prop back there.

Well, that was real fast.

That was --

that was incredibly fast.

That was almost

too fast, wasn't it?

Well, can I take you

for a ride now?

No. I think

you just did, glen.

"it is spring.

[ thunder crashes ]

"as I look from my window,

"I see dogs mating

on my front lawn,

"cats mating on the shed roof,

"moose running in the forest.

"I watch, mildly bemused.

Then I go to the workshop

and design a new trailer hitch."

[ clears throat ]

I have a dream.

I have a dream!

Do you know

who said that?

Larry hagman?

[ horseshoe clanks ]

man: Hey, watch it, red!

No. "I have a dream" was said

by martin luther king.

I have a dream, too.

It's a dream

where I'm running down a hall

and I'm naked, you know,

and I'm being chased

by all these people,

people of different creeds

and colors and sexes

and income brackets

and sexual orientations,

and it's huge --

there's a lot of people chasing.

It's like a stadium emptied

on me or something.

Does the story have

a twist ending, harold,

like, you know, for example,

a point?

Oh, yeah.

[ cat yowls ]

yeah. I just think

that people shouldn't be judged

by the color of their skin

or the shade of their skin

or the condition

of their skin.

So my point is, I don't like

being called "zit face."

you're oversensitive, harold.

Yeah, but --

no, because I don't think

you should make fun of pimples,

'cause "acne" is only one letter

different than "acme,"

which is, like, the best,

or one letter more

than the word "ace,"

which is numero uno --

also, the best.

Yeah. Well,

I agree with that, harold.

I think your pimples

are the best I've seen.

Exactly.

[ splash ]

well, it looks like

we won't have time

to get back to

that whittling-contest story.

So, stay tuned.

That's a shame.

Instead, I'm gonna whittle

harold into something useful.

That's a shame.

What did you do

again?

Well, I just -- I had to --

I took this off...

Yeah.

...Cleaned it.

Yeah.

I replaced the housing.

That's

the same housing.

Yeah. Well, no.

I took it off

and then put it back on.

That's what I meant

by replacing.

Why?

Well, 'cause it needed

tightened up.

And then I took the valves,

and so, I cleaned those.

There's no valves

in this motor.

It's a 2-cycle --

no valves.

Oh, well, no.

I meant these here.

I always get valves

and spark plugs all mixed up.

I took them out,

took a little sandpaper,

and put them back in.

You took out

these spark plugs?

That's the one, yeah.

Without taking

the wires off?

Oh, yeah.

That's easy enough to do.

Just give it

a good "oomph" on it.

It comes right out.

And, of course,

when you put them back in,

got to get a hammer.

How much you gonna

charge me for this, glen?

Oh, let's see.

My hourly rate

and, uh, the parts...

I'd like to, uh, say a few words

to you teenagers out there.

I hope I caught you

between music videos.

Now, this is just simple.

Stay in school.

Stay in school.

School gets out at 3:30.

Stay an extra hour.

It's not gonna kill you.

Maybe you can go down

to the library,

open a thick book.

You don't have to read it.

It just makes an impression,

especially if there's hardly

any pictures in it.

Believe me, you're a lot

better off staying in school

than you are going over

to a friend's garage

and making bombs out

of gunpowder and copper pipes.

You're not gonna lose a finger

in the library...

Unless somebody punches you

in the nose.

Stay in school.

Your teachers did,

and they're not doing too bad.

They get the whole summer off.

Stay in school.

So, anyway,

11:00 rolled around,

and it was time

to add up all the votes

for the whittling contest,

and, golly, we had a six-way tie

until we decided that you

couldn't vote for your own,

and then, uh, buster hatfield

come in third.

He had whittled a cane

out of a 60-foot oak tree.

And then, uh, stinky peterson

took second prize

with a dinner plate

that he'd whittled

out of the outhouse door.

Actually, he would have won,

but the food kept falling

through the moon-shaped hole.

But the big guy, moose thompson,

took first prize, uh,

when, in an attempt to carve

a big block of granite,

he had whittled

his whittling knife

into an ice pick.

So, it was a great --

anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'm gonna be coming

straight home after the show,

so, uh, leave the porch light on

if my folks are there,

and I'll just keep circling

the block till they leave.

And if my folks are watching,

uh, see you soon.

Thanks a lot for watching,

and on behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang

up here at the lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.