The Mt. Rushmore Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

They might carve a statue

of, say, paul bunyan's ox.

They'd rather carve a statue

of themselves,

but they know

nobody will go look at it.

Men would rather live

in reflected glory

than have none at all.

That's why they wear

team jackets.

It's not smart or correct,

but it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

if you're looking for hot dogs

with all the trimmings,

man, have you come

to the right place.

Or how about a little turkey?

That's harold I'm talking about.

Ranger gord --

we're gonna see him.

Ranger's just been out there

a while, hasn't he?

And winston's gonna try

and get a word in.

And now here's a guy

who needs no introduction.

Red: Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And here's a guy

who needs more introduction

that I have the stomach

to give him, my nephew, harold.

Wa-a-a!

[ electronic beeping ]

hello.

Bunch of us sitting around

the lodge last night,

kind of chowing

into the pork and beans,

and we started thinking about

ways we could make money.

We've been doing

an awful lot of that lately.

He means "just sitting around"

and the "pork and beans" part.

That's what they do

a lot of.

[ chuckles ]

yeah, as opposed to the "making

money" and "thinking" part.

Ha!

You know, it occurred to us

that a lot of people

will pay big money

to see those attractions

like, uh, grand canyon

or niagara falls

or even that giant

sleeping giant sleeping giant

giant thing

they got up there.

And you know

what these things are?

These are natural wonders.

So, naturally, we're wondering,

what about rock reef point?

Harold, what do you see when

you look at rock reef point?

A rock...

A reef, and a point.

Harold,

don't use your eyes.

Use your imagination.

Oh.

Okay, well --

oh, all righty.

Well, on a clear summer day, you

know, really late in the day,

sometimes I see

a maruvian space station.

You know,

it's got twin landing pods,

and it's got those

peripheral phaser outposts,

you know, that protect

the microwave transporter base.

And it sits

directly in front

of that computer-enhanced

digitally beta screen thing.

It's a sleeping possum.

That's what it looks like,

harold.

[ laughs ]

whoo! Okay!

I didn't see that!

It looks like

a giant sleeping possum

made out of granite

lying on its back.

Well, where's the legs?

Where are they?

Well, we'll add them on.

We'll make them out of plywood.

How about the head

and the tail?

Same thing, harold.

Doesn't matter.

We've got the body.

That's the tough part.

So, once we get all that stuff

glued on there,

we're gonna advertise it

as "the giant sleeping possum

made out of stone."

why don't you leave it

as it is and advertise it

as "the giant sleeping possum

that was run over by a train"?

[ laughs ]

whoo!

[ keyboard clacking ]

you know, on this job,

I'm always supposed to be

watching out for forest fires.

But once in a while, I've got

this incredible urge to blink.

But I don't.

[ pulley squeaking ]

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ oh, you hear a lot of talk

about spinach and soy ♪

♪ and which one makes

the perfect supper ♪

♪ but when it comes to that,

I'll tell you, boy ♪

♪ you can't beat

peanut butter ♪

♪ easy to cut,

easy to chew, ♪

♪ and never goes

hard as a rock ♪

♪ peanut butter is the one

and only food so good ♪

♪ it made mister ed talk ♪

[ water splashes ]

all right, that special lady

in your life

has got a birthday

coming up,

and you have absolutely

no idea what to get her.

Now, just 'cause

you're close,

that don't mean

she's gonna want

them power tools

that you've been eyeing, eh?

And -- and never,

never, never, never, never

go into a ladies'

clothing store, all right?

'cause you're just gonna end up

buying something

that the manager never thought

she'd sell to anybody

with working eyesight.

You know, like,

guys who hate shopping

should never find themselves

in a women's clothing store, eh?

You're gonna just walk out

with some dress

made out of, like,

carpeting or something, eh?

Or the ugliest see-through

nightie in the world,

full of them, like,

happy-face patches.

And you got to be careful

you don't buy a gift

that she takes

as an insult, you know,

like, say,

a membership to a fitness club

or dance lessons...

Or a face-lift coupon.

I recommend cash, eh?

It's the gift

that keeps on going.

All right, well,

you know what you could do?

Either buy something to eat

or something that dies.

Like a pet.

No, like flowers.

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

'cause, I mean, you know

you're gonna make a mistake,

but with food or flowers,

you know,

there's a life expectancy

there.

You can throw them out.

It's okay.

Whereas when you get one of them

jelly-filled glow-in-the-dark

combination neck massager

and beer cooler

with the built-in digital clock

and replica swiss army knife,

they go on forever.

You know what I think

the best gift is?

Just spend some quality time

with the little missus.

You know, take them to one

of them classy restaurants

where they got

real metal cutlery.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that'll show her

that you think she's something

special, all right.

Unless she'd prefer

the cash.

[ ducks quacking ]

[ coughs ]

well, with rock reef point

about to become the number-one

tourist spot in the area,

I think it's up to the residents

of possum lake

to make those tourists

feel at home

by taking as much of their money

as possible.

And the best way to do that is

by selling them overpriced food.

So, today

on the "handyman corner,"

I'm gonna show you

how you can make

a portable snack counter.

[ zip! ]

you know today's ubranite --

everything is go, go, go.

So, you want to sell them

anything,

you got to be

on the go yourself.

That's the beauty of this unit

right here.

Alls you need is a piece

of kitchen countertop

and a couple of old seatbelts

that were just wearing a hole in

the back of your pants anyhow,

and you're all set.

Just pick her up,

and you can follow your tourists

down the street

or even into the woods,

preparing food as they check out

the various sites.

Next up, pick yourself up a

bunch of these small appliances,

which you can get

at a yard sale or whatever.

Might get an old toaster

or one of these

hot-air popcorn-popper units

or a camp stove or --

so, you get the idea of it.

Now, if you need electricity

for some of these,

'cause they're

electrical appliances

and they use that type of thing,

what you want to do

is get yourself, uh...

A shopping cart.

Now, a lot of the seniors

use these,

so they're easy to borrow

or whatever.

And what you want to do

is open that up

and, uh, fill that up

with some of the car batteries.

And then you want to cut the,

uh -- cut the handle here

right in half so she'll

thread through your belt loops.

Makes it easier for towing.

Now, to, uh -- to connect all

the appliances onto the counter,

we can drill holes

and bolt them in there,

or we could glue them on

with some sort

of a polymer adhesive there,

but that would probably ruin

the, uh, marble laminate

fake stuff.

So instead, we're gonna use

the handyman's secret weapon,

duct tape.

Well, she's starting

to take shape, isn't she?

Got everything laid out here

just the way I want it.

Got the popcorn maker

there at the end.

I got the toaster next to that.

They're both sitting on top

of my microwave oven there.

That's all plugged into

the batteries, of course.

And I got the camp barbecue --

kind of a neat little thing.

Briquettes are a little scary.

And over on this side,

I got the, uh, deep fryer,

and I got the crepe maker.

I got the donuts there.

I got the drinks.

And I got a little hot plate

over here.

And I got a little,

uh, hot chocolate,

cappuccino or something.

And this here in the tap holes,

something real neat here --

ideal for the condiments.

I just reach down underneath,

give them a squeeze.

Got myself some ketchup.

Want to add

a little mustard to that.

No problem.

Let's fire her up.

No, maybe "fire" is a bad word.

Well, there.

I got her working now,

and I can follow those tourists

anywhere they want to go,

making food for them.

Even if they're not on the go,

they certainly will be

after they eat this stuff.

So, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Here's cooking at you, kid.

Stay tuned

and see what not to do

with one of them

radio-controlled

model airplanes,

and I'm gonna make an ear

bigger than prince charles'.

I want to talk to all you guys

who are just celebrating

your 50th birthday

or just getting over

the hangover.

You'll know

what I'm talking about

when they bring in

the birthday cake

and tell you every candle

represents a decade.

You know,

when you get to midlife,

a lot of times you stop and

reflect on your accomplishments,

your position in the community,

and your career

and your family situation,

and a lot of times

you come to the conclusion

that life stinks

and you really blew it.

But, you know, you got to look

on the bright side.

Actually,

almost everybody's life stinks.

Hardly anybody

gets what they want.

Millionaires

want to be billionaires.

Married guys

want to be playboys.

Playboys want to meet someone

worth marrying.

Maybe you regret not marrying

that first girlfriend

when you were both sweet 16.

But remember -- you're not sweet

16 anymore, and neither is she.

If you passed each other

on the street today,

you'd both be thinking,

"boy, somebody's

really let themselves go."

so, if you're sitting there

thinking that your life is over

and you really blew it,

remember,

your life is only half over

and you only half blew it.

So, get out there

and finish the job.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Well, the project

to turn rock reef point

into a giant sleeping possum

has hit a few snags.

I made the left ear.

Stinky made the right ear.

And moose thompson made a head

out of hollow plywood.

Why would he make

the head hollow?

Working from experience,

I guess, harold.

And then stinky attached

a sheet-metal tail

to the end over there,

and then the wind come up,

and we had a real problem.

Yeah, I know!

A big wooden eye went flying

past my bedroom window.

Thought I was in

the twilight zone.

You are, harold.

[ chuckles ]

the whole face went up

and smashed to a million bits

on top of rock reef point,

but the metal tail swung down,

jammed right into the rock face,

and we noticed

what we had there.

We had a rock face

with a giant metal tail

jammed in there

for a nose.

Did you notice who

that looked like, harold?

Oh, yeah, it was amazing.

Yeah.

Looked just like a guy

with no face and no hair

and fake possum tail

for a nose.

Exactly --

john a. Macdonald.

Ronald mcdonald's

brother?

Sir john a. Macdonald,

harold,

the first prime minister

of canada.

Now what we're gonna do

is put another face on

each side of him there.

We can have

a natural formation

like that mount rushmore

they got in the states.

Uncle red,

those faces are carved

into that stone

of mount rushmore.

It's not

a natural formation.

You should talk.

Well, all right, fine.

If they can carve them,

we can carve them.

What we'll do is put some faces

up there of the men

who've made this country

as great as it is, harold.

Oh, great!

The fathers of the confederation

and wayne gretzky!

We're here

at fire tower 13

with the man who stands on guard

for trees, ranger gord.

Thanks a lot

for coming, red.

All right. No problem.

Thanks a lot.

Okay. All right.

Okay. All right.

Come here.

Come here, harold. Come --

where are the rest

of the guys?

Oh, they're up

at rock reef point,

uh, you know,

carving on rocks --

that kind of thing.

I made -- I made

stone-baked pizza for everyone.

Oh, my gosh.

Yep.

Gonna be cooked by high noon.

Wow.

Well, maybe harold and I will

have a piece of that later,

'cause we do want to talk to you

about rocks, you know,

and if you were gonna, say,

do some carving

or maybe make like

a mount rushmore type of thing,

whatever it was

you had in mind.

You guys are making

a mount rushmore?

Well, yeah, but we're doing it

with famous canadians.

Yeah.

That's why

you came to me?

Well, yeah, because we thought,

you know, this rock thing --

okay.

What? What?

All right, I'm gonna be

immortalized in stone, I guess.

No.

[ chuckles ]

gosh.

A man who never abandoned

his post,

a man who never lost faith,

ranger gord,

his head 100 feet high,

solid rock.

Yeah,

that part sounds right.

Okay, well, a lot of the rock

around here is igneous rock.

Oh, yeah.

Part of the canadian shield.

It's granite --

perfect for carving.

And what about the rock

up at rock reef point?

Well, most of that is mica,

sandstone, and limestone.

Wow.

Yeah, it was formed

from the waste of the quarries

that used to be

around here.

Oh, so if you tried to

carve that stuff...

Whoop. Landslide.

Oh, boy, harold,

we got to go.

No.

No, what --

what about the pizza?!

[ splat! ]

red: Ugh!

Ohh.

J-just have some

off your shoe!

It's "male call"!

[ bell ringing ]

whoo!

All right,

we got a letter here.

Here's the first letter.

Oh, it's from neil baron

of mount pearl, newfoundland,

and neil poses

a number of questions.

But the one

that struck my fancy was, uh,

"dear red green, what is your

favorite power tool?"

oh.

That's a --

that's a tough one, neil,

'cause, uh, you know,

they say there's a right tool

for every job --

exception being

harold here.

But you really have to clarify

what the work is

before you can pick

your favorite tool.

For example, you wouldn't

want to build, say,

a dock with a lathe.

Maybe the most versatile tool

would be a good choice --

you know,

like an electric drill.

It has a variety

of applications.

Yeah, okay.

Most definitely an electric

drill would be my choice.

Most definitely.

He's not asking you, harold.

Okay, true enough,

you know.

But I was just --

you know, I'm thinking.

I'm suggesting a, you know,

electric drill as a suggestion.

You know, that's just

what I'm thinking, just,

you know, electric drill.

Well, suddenly,

I'm thinking pile driver.

Now, neil,

there are really, uh,

two components

to your major power tool.

You got the rotational spin,

and you got the forward impact.

Now, there's a thing

called a roto-hammer

or a hammer drill that actually

combines these two forces.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

I saw one of those!

Yeah!

It goes, "whooboom! Whooboom!

Whooboom! Whooboom! Whooboom!"

it's got, like, a bit

and a chisel.

Oh, "whooboom!

Whooboom! Whooboom!"

so cool, right?!

No one cares, harold,

what you saw.

So, neil, you get yourself

the big-frame roto-hammer,

take that electric motor

off there,

throw that one

into the lake,

and stick on, say, a slant six

out of a '63 valiant.

Clamp her down with the big

muffler clamps on there,

and I'll tell you,

you got one heck of a power tool

on your hand there, fella.

Be a little hard to handle,

wouldn't it?

Well, you don't have to

run her for long.

And remember --

remember, neil,

let the weight of the tool

do the work, all right?

And, uh, send us a picture

if you try this,

'cause, actually,

I just thought of it right now.

I don't think you should lead

our viewers on like that.

Just a little harmless fun,

harold.

Yeah, well,

what if somebody gets hurt?

Well,

it's harmful fun, then.

What about --

what if somebody sues you?

All right,

an electric drill.

Red: One of my favorite

hobbies today --

model-airplane flying

on "adventures with bill."

took me two years to build

this, uh, particular model

that I have right here,

but bill's -- bill's here now.

Thank you, bill.

Now, you don't want to get upset

sometimes when things happen,

because look

what he's done here.

Look what he's done.

Look what he's done.

He's brought a repla--

an assembly.

I'm thinking, "hey, I didn't

like that old plane anyhow."

all right.

[ chuckles ]

who cares, huh?

[ laughs ]

uh, what? What?

Oh.

Oh, I-I mis-- I guess I --

well, all right. All right.

Anyway, a great plane.

Doesn't matter whose it is, huh?

The thing with a hobby is

it's a great idea of relaxing,

takes your mind

off your worries.

You can go out there and just --

bill takes a turkey baster

out of his jacket,

which makes sense.

And I'm trying to fool around

with the radio control.

It doesn't have the strings

or the wires.

This is one

of these fancy units,

but she doesn't seem to be re--

couple of funnels there

to get the gas in.

He's got her gassed up,

and I'm trying to figure out

what's wrong

with the controller,

and I think

it's the batteries on that.

You know, I think when you leave

the batteries in there

for over seven, eight years,

with the humidity, and --

bill, I think maybe you

were a little premature on --

that was a little premature

starting.

I think you were early

on that one.

I'm trying to show him the bat--

with bill,

anything he doesn't understand,

he licks, which can be

a dangerous, dangerous habit.

Anyway, up she goes,

the plane,

and then she's turned around

and she starts heading

back towards us

and takes off and everything,

and now, like, as they say,

you know, with a hobby,

I think you're getting out

in the outdoors,

you're getting

some exercise there,

and you get to experience,

you know,

some bonding

and spending more time together,

and, you know, it gets the heart

going, gets the blood pumping.

Bill suddenly realizes

what he needs

is another radio controller,

so we got one

in the back of the van there,

and I guess one's

as good as the next.

And he started flicking

that around, and, uh, no, no.

That's not the right -- no.

What the heck?

No.

No, no, get rid -- all right.

All right. No problem.

But as I say,

you get a chance to think

and be innovative and come up

with other solu--

here's another radio controller.

We got tons of them in there.

And this one I think is gonna --

what?

Uh, I don't -- I don't --

that's a -- oh, that's --

he's turned it into a car.

And, uh, as I say,

a hobby can be relaxing

and kind of get

your frustrations out.

Where are you going, bill?

Where are you going?

Where are you going?

Stay tuned while dalton

gives us all the finger

and I experience the loneliness

of the long-distance poet.

Well, the big sculpture project

up at rock reef point

is moving ahead okay.

We find

that when you're doing --

painting a picture

or perhaps doing a sculpture

of a canadian famous person,

you'd better to stay

kind of noncommittal

on who it is until

you see how she turns out.

Boy, by the time you guys are

finished with rock reef point,

it's gonna look like

rock reef speed bump.

That type of rock is very hard

to work with, harold.

We had sir charles tupper

just about completely done,

and then we knocked off

a real important bit,

and now he's

margaret trudeau.

Well, maybe you shouldn't try

doing so many.

You know, just stick

with the one you got

on the very end there.

That looks just like

john diefenbaker.

That's anne murray.

What? Whoo!

Boy, she's let

herself go.

I don't know.

I don't think, uh, works of art

should be this hard.

Are we doing something wrong,

harold?

Oh, yes -- always.

I think you should get

the proper equipment

and the proper materials.

And, you know,

it's oftentimes when people

are doing sculptures,

it's best if those people

know how to, say, sculpt,

like, say, a sculptor.

Harold, you take the fun

out of everything.

No, I take the danger.

That's what I just said.

[ squeaking ]

red:

"my snowmobile" by me.

Roaring along on my snowmobile,

throttle wide open,

zooming over the hills,

sailing down the gullies,

smashing into a hidden rock,

careening through a rail fence,

tearing up a stand of shrubs,

cartwheeling off

the roof of a barn,

and finally coming to rest

26 feet up a pine tree.

Golly, that's 4 feet higher

than last year.

[ zip! ]

red: We're out here

by the main highway

at humphries everything store

to show you people

the art of bartering,

where I'm gonna trade some

of these collectibles and so on

to get myself some tools

that we can use on our sculpture

up at rock reef point.

All righty, dalton,

ready to do some bartering?

Yeah, yeah, I guess.

Yeah.

Okay.

This here belonged

to my grandfather.

Is that worth anything,

do you think?

Well, if it is,

don't tell your kids.

They'll just take the money,

waste it,

and spend it

on something stupid.

Yeah. All right.

Uh, this actually was part of

the original homestead,

you know.

Yeah. Yeah.

I've seen tons of them.

Sold brand-new in 1900

for 30 cents.

And what would it be worth now,

would you think?

30 cents. It's scrap.

Oh.

Of course, I bet my daughter'd

spend 50 bucks on it.

Is she around?

You know, it used to be

people didn't throw money away.

Today's kids just spend it

willy-nilly, and who pays?

The parents!

Not the daughters.

No, sir.

You know that my daughter

took my money and --

and bought two burnt-out cars

and a darn tour bus!

Probably bought them

for scrap iron.

To live in!

Oh.

Yes! Oh, yes!

She and the guy

she's seeing

are gonna weld them together

and live in them.

Without heating,

without lighting,

without a marriage license.

What do you think

of that, red?!

Well, now, when I answer

those kinds of questions,

I either end up

getting punched

or driven home

in a cop car.

Tell you what,

though, dalton --

I could take those vehicles

off your hands.

We'll strip them

for parts.

Like to strip her boyfriend

for parts.

No, I'm thinking we could use

the car parts for our sculpture.

Got to be easier

than carving, right?

I could use the car parts

as parts of the faces.

Like that christo guy does

with the bed sheets.

Yeah? Well, what'll

you give me for them?

Well, I'll give you

everything I brought.

Well, that's

not worth anything.

Well, that's how

barter works.

We're trading things

of equal value here.

It's a deal.

Great.

Actually,

I'm up 30 cents.

[ chuckles ]

[ creaking ]

we came that close

to a huge success

turning rock reef point into

the canadian mount rushmore.

I heard old man sedgwick

got nailed

by a greyhound bus grille.

No, but we came

that close.

Boy, you should have seen it,

harold.

We had car grilles for teeth.

We had trunk lids for ears.

We had headlights for eyes.

And when you waved at it,

they'd flick up

onto the high beams.

There's something odd

about seeing dr. Norman bethune

made out of bricklin parts.

And sir wilfrid laurier looked

like one of the power rangers.

Oh, it was beautiful.

Art, entertainment, and

the history of transportation

all into one attraction.

The only thing we left out

was gravity.

Oh, no. No, no.

Gravity was there.

Yeah, really. Especially.

Boy, I'm telling you.

You know,

we should have attached things

a little more securely.

Duct tape is good,

but it's not that good.

Luckily, nobody was hurt.

Except the beach.

All that scrap metal

all over the place

looked like the cover

to a neil young cd.

Well, that stuff

won't be there long.

The waves really pound in

over there.

You're gonna let that scrap

metal dissolve into possum lake?

Good for it, harold.

It's iron.

Popeye would be real happy

with possum lake.

Yeah, 'cause it looks so much

like "olive oyl."

[ laughs ]

[ screeching ]

oh, it's meeting time,

uncle red.

Yeah, you go ahead, harold.

I'll be down in a little while.

Okay.

If my wife is watching,

I've come to realize

that if you're going to sculpt

the human form,

you have to study

the human form,

so I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I may not know art,

but I know what I like.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

Until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Okay,

we have a presentation.

No, no, don't leave.

Red: If you'd like to become

a member of possum lodge

and you got 3 bucks to blow,

you can either mail it to

the address here on the screen

or dial 1-800-ypossum.