The Food Club/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: And now it's time

for the show

from the great untouched

wilderness.

Well, okay,

so it's a little touched,

but, you know, so are the people

who live up here.

And, well,

don't call it cabin fever.

Call it getting back to nature.

Call it lack of education.

Call it "the red green show."

anyways, here he is,

the man of the hour, the guy --

here he is,

and, well,

he's the greatest human being

who's ever, you know,

given me a steady job.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the head of the lodge,

the star of the show --

mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you and welcome

to the possum lodge.

Our home is your home,

and looks like your home could,

uh, use a good cleaning.

And speaking

of needing a good cleaning,

say hello, harold.

Oh, okay.

Wa-a!

Hello.

[ keyboard clacking ]

that's director talk for,

"I have nothing more to say."

kind of a somber mood, actually,

up at the lodge this week.

Our lodge treasurer, douglas,

has come up a bit short,

uh, this month for, actually,

the 15th month in a row.

I think the problem is

we just don't get a lot of

visitors up here at possum lodge

'cause we're not as well known

as the other lodges

and we're just a little bit

off the beaten path.

And, of course,

the place is a dump.

But, anyway,

with this deficit thing,

douglas is kind of cutting back.

There's no more thirds

at mealtime,

you got to pay extra

for toothpicks,

and he's closed the pool.

Pool?

What -- what pool?

The cesspool, harold.

I'm just saying

I don't think that, you know,

the members

should start to realize

there's no such thing

as a free lunch.

Up here, there's no such thing

as a good lunch.

Douglas is working on that, too.

He's got some kind of a scheme

to save money on our food bills.

Well, maybe

he could just get the members

to take, like,

normal portions.

At least that way,

we could cut back on

the size of the members.

No, no, no, no,

he's got some kind of

a buy-in-bulk food scheme

or something or other.

I mean,

after all, we eat in bulk.

Well, okay.

Well, has anyone ever thought of

actually doing something

to generate money,

like using thought or effort?

You know,

something revolutionary.

Harold,

that machine of yours there,

how much would that be worth

if I sold that

to, say, a television network

or a pawnshop or something?

Nothing.

Well, you know,

next to nothing.

Don't, uncle red, I need my ax.

This thing pays for itself.

Why do they call it

the food club?

Do you got to be a piece of food

to join?

The murray food club

is going to let you

buy your food in bulk,

not this

one-at-a-time stuff.

Yeah, that's right.

What's the point?

It's cheap.

You bet it is.

Wow.

I can't believe

the savings.

Are you sure

you calculated it right?

You try it, einstein.

Dwayne.

My name's dwayne.

I can't wait till eddie

finds out about these savings.

Oh, bill, bill,

have you seen eddie?

[ mumbles ]

well, can you get him?

I'm going to be changing all

of the food he'll be cooking.

[ mumbles ]

make sure that he orders from

the four basic food groups --

dairy, meat, grain,

fruits, vegetables.

That's five.

There's five food groups!

Well, that's why we've got

the murray menu system, okay?

Now, let's just say

that you have ordered

some bacon-flavored

potato chips.

Right? Okay.

Now, the bacon is

from your meat group,

and the potato is

from your vegetable.

Oh.

How about your dairy?

Sour-cream-and-onion

chips.

And your fruits?

Uh, cherry licorice.

Wa-a-a!

His package does have it all.

Oh, yeah.

Any of you guys

got a rag?

Bill just sneezed banana

all over me.

Uncle red, uncle red,

you know what?

The lodge,

we're joining a food club.

Is there a password

to get into that?

Doug:

"savings."

major savings there, red,

major food value.

Oh, you're gonna love me

for this one.

Well, don't get your hopes up,

murray.

You know, I'll probably

just break your heart.

[ yodels ]

[ swedish accent ]

who wants a swedish meatball?

I do!

I do!

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Hmm!

[ squealing ]

well, where's he going?

Sweden.

Uh, no, thanks.

Say, eddie,

murray here

has started up a food club.

Oh.

Now, as lodge treasurer,

I've calculated we could cut

our food costs in half.

Really?

You could plan your meals

a year in advance.

We would order

a year's worth of pork,

a year's worth of beans,

and a year's worth of cabbage.

Boy, I'm moving out

that year.

Amen.

That'll be the year

of living dangerously, won't it?

And next year, we could order

a year's worth of chicken,

a year's worth of macaroni,

and a year's worth

of chocolate cake.

Why don't you just take

my boning knife

and plunge it

into my heart?

What would be the savings

in that?

I don't think eddie likes

your food club, murray.

A year of pork?

A year of pork?

Do you have any idea

what a year of pork would do

to my cooking skills?

Think of it

as a challenge, eddie.

Every night,

a new way to cook pork.

Well, yes, then.

Let's see.

The first night,

I could throw it at you.

And then the next night,

I could just stuff it

up your noses.

And the third night,

shish kebabs!

Well...

I will not be dictated to.

I need variety.

I need whimsy.

I have to cook

what mood is in my heart.

So, today, what --

were you mad at the world?

Maybe just sweden.

Well,

what would you rather?

Would you like me to just become

some -- some automatic machine

that churns out

bland tv dinners every night?

[ all murmuring ]

that's it!

I quit! Hmph!

I'm gonna throw in

the apron!

[ grunting ]

here, let me help you,

eddie.

I quit!

You can make

your own damn food!

Forget it!

You're cut off!

Well, the old food club is

working out just great, murray.

See you guys later.

Typical.

You try and save a little money,

and look what happens.

Save money?

According

to my calculations,

it's going to cost the lodge

$38 billion a week.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ a-roving, a-roving ♪

♪ a-roving, a-rove ♪

♪ I'm going to go

a-roving ♪

♪ a-roving, a-rove ♪

♪ a-roving, a-roving ♪

♪ it's gonna be swell ♪

♪ I have no idea

what the hell it is ♪

♪ but I hear it pays

pretty well ♪

[ hammer pounding ]

red: This week

in, uh, "handyman corner,"

we're gonna talk about tools.

And I want to talk specifically

about the most important tool

in your, uh, toolbox,

and that is, uh, your hammer.

You can use a hammer

to fix, uh, anything,

uh, except, uh,

digital watches and china.

Now, the first hammer I want to

talk about is a claw hammer.

If you get yourself

a claw hammer

and it doesn't have

any instructions with it,

it's pretty simple.

You pick up the hammer

and you start hitting things,

and you keep hitting them

until you've built something.

For example, you can use

a claw hammer to hit a nail.

Or you can also use a

claw hammer to put in a screw...

Particularly when your time

is at a premium.

This way you don't have to worry

whether it's a flathead

or a socket head or a phillips

or robertson or anything.

But, you know,

a claw hammer

is not the only kind

of hammer there is.

There's also something called

a ball peen hammer.

You know, it's not as dirty

as it sounds, unfortunately.

And this can be used, also,

to drive in a nail.

Or you can use the other end --

the peen end,

as we call it in the business --

to, uh, do some riveting.

There's a special thing

called a rivet here, and...

Okay, I think this is more

for a metal application.

Or, no, I think

you're supposed to hammer them

from the other side.

Just flip this over

and you round the --

oh, all right.

I've, uh --

I got to pry that board off,

but not with this.

I need my claw hammer for that.

[ thud ]

did I drop that hammer?

Yeah.

Now, where's my claw hammer?

Well, I'm always using hammers,

aren't I?

Well, I'll get the ball peen.

All right, all right.

Well, uh...

I can use something else

as a hammer.

Now, this is a crowbar --

usually used

for prying things apart.

Can also be used, uh,

for those unfortunate times

when you've misplaced the keys

to your house or your car.

It's not only good for prying...

Like that.

It also makes a dandy hammer

itself.

So, you see, almost anything

can be used as a hammer.

For example,

you take a screwdriver.

Why not use a screwdriver

as a hammer?

If you can use a hammer

to drive a screw,

you can use a screwdriver

to hammer.

Take a finishing nail

or something along this line.

Put her in there.

You want something with kind of

a plexiglas or a hard handle

that's not gonna mar in any way.

And in she goes.

About the only thing

that I would say

not to use as a hammer

would be something

like a rubber mallet.

I'll show you why.

Now, this is kind of useless,

but it's not completely useless.

Still got a hammer out of it.

The thing is that, uh,

you've got to be

sort of adaptable

and realize that there are

a lot of things

that you can use as a hammer.

If you got a big job to do,

you need a big hammer.

You know, take a big nail.

Just...

You know, with a hammer

that size and a chain saw,

you can build a 20' x 40' deck

in about, uh, 15 minutes.

Not including sanding

and medical attention.

So there you have it.

I mean, the point

of this whole thing is

that almost anything

can be used as a hammer.

There's as many hammers

as there are thumb injuries.

You can use patio stones

or your wife's purse or a rifle.

Anything that you can find,

you can use as a hammer.

So, until next time, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Harold, come back here!

And bring something

I can use as a hammer!

"it is autumn.

"I'm sitting in my duck blind,

blowing on my moose call.

"to me,

it sounds like indigestion.

"to a male moose,

"it makes me sound like

I'm a female moose in heat.

"in about 30 seconds,

he will come charging.

"if my gun jams,

I'll be going out

on possibly the worst date

of my life."

we may have lost eddie

as our cook,

but, uh,

there's a downside, too.

Now somebody else is gonna have

to make the meals around here.

Old man sedgwick

volunteered to make

his world-famous lasagna

for lunch,

but I think

it got to be world-famous

by everybody warning

their friends about it.

Don't forget.

Mt. Vesuvius is world famous

as well.

Actually,

when you eat the lasagna,

you start behaving

like mt. Vesuvius.

It's at the point now

where we almost want

to get eddie back here,

but douglas has insulted him

to the point

that he's really teed off.

He's sitting up in a tree,

throwing pinecones

at anybody who comes near him.

You know, uncle red,

all great chefs are very touchy

about their cuisine.

I mean,

eddie's an artist.

I mean,

his palette is our palates.

Wa-a-a!

That's a good one, eh?

Double "palate."

the way you --

you know --

you know what, though?

You know what?

I don't blame eddie,

because to him,

a dinner table

is like a blank canvas.

Yeah,

and he paints it with oil.

Again,

I still do not blame eddie.

Because you've never had

to survive 12 months of pork.

Well, you never met

my grade-5 teacher, harold.

Anyway,

I think I'll just take a stroll

down to murray's store

and see if I can get

this food club deal

kind of straightened out.

Harold, do that thing

that irritates everybody.

Oh, okay.

♪ I'm a little teapot,

short and stout ♪

♪ here is -- ♪

harold! I meant take us

into the next segment.

Oh. That. Okay.

[ keys clacking ]

ah, red, are we still on track

for the food club?

Yeah, are we going to

make a fortune

like murray says we are?

Well, eddie's still

pretty upset, you know.

He's hiding up a tree,

crying.

Mm.

I was hoping you could alter

the plan in some way

so he'd get a little more

enthused, you know,

'cause he's starting to upset

the squirrels.

Well, I've been thinking

about that,

and I've decided

to expand my menu

to give eddie

a potpourri of menageries

as to what he can cook.

That's french

for "choices."

yeah.

Like name your poison.

Don't help me, dwayne.

Go into the storeroom

and get me a bottle of corn oil

and a bottle

of huile de mais.

Okay.

Now, once eddie sees

the number of choices he has,

oh, he'll be changing

his tune.

[ chuckles ]

can't find 'em.

Oh,

for the love of mike!

They're right in the middle

of the middle shelf there.

If they were a dog,

they'd have bit you.

There they are

right there.

Now, just get me

that one and that one.

Oh, I see them.

I should get a government grant

for letting him work here.

Okay, now, this one here

is your corn oil,

and this is

your huile de mais.

What does that mean?

That's french

for "corn oil."

it's french corn oil.

It's a completely different

taste.

A beaujolais nouveau.

It's the same bottle,

murray.

They recycle the bottles.

You know,

the french are very clever.

They're always thinking.

Imagine that, eh?

Listen, why don't you give eddie

this revised menu?

Show him he can select chicken

or poulet or cucaracha.

That's mexican chicken.

See, he's not limited

in any way.

Well, I'll give it a try.

See you later.

Appreciate it!

Do you know any italian?

Mussolini.

That's my favorite car.

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Well, we thought we'd, uh,

kind of get back to nature

and make things a little simpler

on our adventure with bill

this week.

Bill is gonna show you

just how to climb a tree.

Just that simple.

Ugh!

Pick out a tree

that has branches

just kind of sticking out

so you can...

So you can use the branches

as more or less...

Ohh!

...Steps,

like steps on a ladder.

[ grunts ]

by golly, uh,

maybe this wasn't gonna be

quite as simple as we --

well, no, I think

he's gonna be all right.

He still can -- oh.

And, uh, so, now we're...

Huh! Ow!

Yeah.

You start thinking about

all of the other things you

could be doing with your life,

you know, like, uh,

lying down somewhere.

Like that.

Oh, well.

Time for plan "b."

we'll get the seesaw

and the teeter-totter effect,

and bill is gonna stand

on one end.

I'll climb up the ladder,

and then when I jump down

onto that end,

that end will go down

and his end will go up,

and he'll get up the tree

that way.

Never lost for ideas,

bill and I.

And 1, 2, 3,

and a good old go.

Oh!

Ohh!

[ thud ]

ohh!

Uh, not quite as successful

as we'd planned, but --

all right, all right,

all right, all right.

Plan "c."

I can smell it.

Oh.

Oh, you okay, bill?

Now we got what you call

the golf shoes.

The golf shoes with

your flange niblicks and so on.

They got those spikes

on the bottom,

and what bill is gonna do --

I've never seen

this done before.

He's gonna try and just

dig those into the tree

and just climb right up.

By golly.

By golly,

he's got something here.

And he's getting up there now.

20, 30 feet up.

I c-- I don't --

I don't quite understand.

It has something to do with

the earth's rotation, and, uh...

And, uh, something to do with

helium in his snowmobile --

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Bill, look out, look out,

look out, look out!

Ow!

Right on the foot.

Right on the foot.

Thank you, bill.

You know, harold, you're getting

to that point in your life

where you should

start thinking

of what you're gonna do

for a living, you know.

What --

what do you mean?

Well, think about what you're

gonna do, you know, as a career,

what you're gonna do

the rest of your life.

That's what

I'm talking about.

Well, uncle red,

I-I thought I might stay on

as, you know,

the director/producer

of "the red green show."

I've been doing it

for quite a while now,

and I'm really getting the hang

of it, you know?

And I know I want to stay

with the show,

and I know you want me

to stay with the show, right?

Right?

I assume. Right?

Well, golly.

Uh, golly, harold,

that's a bit of a shock.

Well, of course,

you're kidding around.

I'm talking seriously.

What are you seriously gonna do,

you know, for a living?

What do you think?

I'm serious.

I was gonna do the show.

No, no, no, come on.

Come on.

Quit -- quit joshing me here.

I'm not joshing.

I want to do the show.

Yeah, I know.

Look, I like to kid around,

you know,

and I know you do,

but I don't want to kid around

with this.

I'm not kidding.

I want to do the show.

I want to be straight.

Let's be straight.

I'm straight.

Man to man.

I want to do the show.

No, come on.

Quit kidding around.

I'm not kidding.

Come on.

Come on.

I want to do the show.

I want to do the show!

I want to do the show!

Oh, come on, harold.

Well, I took murray's new

menu options over to show eddie,

and he got so darn upset,

he almost fell out of his tree.

I don't know why eddie gets

so upset about everything.

You can't tell him

that he's fat or he's bald

or he's a crappy actor.

And this food thing.

I mean, what's the big deal?

It's not a matter

of life or death.

Actually,

dinner tonight came close.

Douglas tried to save

a little money

by baking

a relish-and-tuna casserole.

He said it had been

in his family for generations,

but I think he meant the tuna.

Man,

that stuff was deadly.

Did you eat that stuff,

harold?

No, but some dropped

on my shoe.

We ended up

with a conga line of guys

giving each other

the heimlich maneuver.

And the potato salad

was actually even worse.

That was jello.

Jello?

White jello, harold?

Yes. We ran out of water,

so I used sour cream.

Well, obviously,

we got to do something

about this meal situation,

and we got to do it soon.

[ screeching ]

uh-oh.

Somebody had seconds.

No, that's the call

of the wild possum.

That means that the meeting

is about to begin, uncle red.

Come on. Let's get down there

and see what's going on.

Well, I hope we get

this thing resolved real fast.

Man does not live by beer alone.

[ screeching continues ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

okay. Oh, sorry.

All rise. All rise.

Up. Up. Up. Up!

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Well, I'm glad to see

that eddie has left

his branch office.

The floor recognizes

douglas hendrychuck.

Thank you, red.

Fellow possums,

thanks to the incredible savings

from murray's food club,

I'm pleased to announce

the financial crisis is over.

[ cheering ]

unfortunately,

that hasn't stopped

one of the lodge members

from sabotaging the food,

as was the case

with tonight's tuna casserole.

I'm not naming

any names.

Well, dwayne and I certainly

appreciate all your business,

not only because

you are fellow lodge members,

but because you are

our friends.

Hear, hear!

And if it weren't

for that fact,

well, we might be tempted

to overcharge you

on all your purchases.

Yeah, we sure do.

Well, the food club may sound

like a good idea, but tell me --

where are you going to store

a year's supply of frozen pork?

[ murmuring ]

our food requires

absolutely no refrigeration.

Oh, yeah!

All you have to do is

feed the pigs and clean the pen.

Shut up.

Pigs?!

The food is still alive?

On the hoof?

Well, I told you.

Oven fresh costs more.

That won't work!

W-we can't have 100 more pigs

running around this lodge.

100 more!

That's a -- that's --

wait a minute.

You better not be including me

in that group.

I'm rather fastidious, actually,

about my personal hygiene.

Shut up, harold.

All righty.

Well, in light of this new

information, fellow possums,

I suggest we resign

from this food club immediately.

[ cheering ]

we'll go back

to the way things were.

Ha!

You won't have a cook.

Fine!

I'll cook.

I made these cookies

for dessert,

and no one sabotaged them.

Try one.

They're quite good, actually.

Here, bill.

Now, listen, there's plenty more

where these came from.

Go ahead.

Dig in.

Hey, these are good.

Come on up, guys.

No! No, no, wait!

No, stop, stop.

I'm sorry.

I can't possibly let you eat

these cookies.

Food prepared by amateurs

is dangerous.

It could kill you.

[ all shouting ]

no, no, no, no, no!

That's it. That's it.

It's settled.

I'm back as the lodge chef.

You need me.

Bob! Bob!

Bob! Bob!

Unscathed.

Sort of.

Red: Watch yourself there,

harold.

Thanks so much.

Well, now that we got eddie back

as our cook,

we're gonna be able

to lose weight, anyway.

Well, if there's

no other business, bill...

No.

Well, I call on murray

and dwayne here

to give us a little bit of magic

for the entertainment.

[ cheers and applause ]

all right,

ladies and gentlemen,

if you will notice,

there is nothing up my sleeve.

Dwayne, the cape.

Well, all's well that ends.

Nobody's real satisfied

with the way things turned out,

but on the other hand,

nobody's angry enough

to do anything except complain,

and that's about as close

as we get to a happy ending.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

And I am a little hungry,

so I would appreciate it

if you didn't put the time lock

on the fridge tonight.

I promise I'll go back

on the diet next year.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

another match,

ladies and gentlemen.

Is it simple, too?

Yes, it's very simple.

There we go.

Oh! Fire!

It's supposed to be

on fire, stupid.

All right.

Here we go.

Abracadabra!

Ala-kaboom!

Uh-oh.