The New Monument/Transcript

The complete transcript for The New Monument

Opening Scene
''{Red is sitting in a room next to a wood stove, rubbing his hands. The camera slowly zooms out to reveal a bunch of clothes littering the floor, along with a broom and several other tools in the background.}''

RED GREEN: Y'know, women are usually smarter than men, but when it comes to organizing their clothes, we could teach them a thing or two about how to store your wardrobe. By just throwing it on the floor. {stands up and gestures to the clothes} You always know where everything is, and it saves wear and tear on the linoleum. {picks up a rake} But you know, even the most organized guy could use a little help. So here's what you do: {sticks a piece of duct tape to the handle, then starts winding it sticky side out around the rake} Take some duct tape, and wind it onto a rake handle backwards, eh, so you got the sticky side out on that. Go all the way down to the rake. Then you just throw her on the floor. {drops the rake onto the pile of clothes} Now when you take off your clothes, you'll throw 'em onto the rake handle. Y'know, when you're ready to put on a shirt or a pair of pants, you just step on the end of the rake.

{Red steps on another rake, lifting up the handle with a bunch of clothes attached.}

RED GREEN: Used to call this dressing like a rake.

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Red Green Show! And now, here's the man who's behind the message, behind the 8-ball, behind in the payments, the Big Behind, your host and hero, Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: All right. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the Lodge this week. The town council decided they need a new monument to sit out in front of City Hall there.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah, I'm really glad, too, they decided to get rid of that old rusty tank from the war. That thing smells!

RED GREEN: Well now, Harold, if you have a problem with rusty tanks that smell, this may not be the town for you. Anyway, they put out for tenders on this new monument. I think we got a chance at getting a nod on this deal. {to Harold} Actually, they're hearing all the proposals in the next half-hour, so maybe we should get down there.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah, because you know what? You know what? Because I got a proposal too. {unfolds a sheet of paper} Yeah! Because you know how they're gonna want, like, the monument to signify the lifestyle up here at Possum–

RED GREEN: Lifestyle! The lifestyle thing, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, so look at that. That's my drawing, right? I've got like an entire family in a canoe and they're paddling there, and see the sun shining right on them, eh? And the animals are frolicking in the wood and the babbling brook? waaaAAaaAA! What's your design of?

RED GREEN: Well, we're designing a seventy-foot flag made out of beer cans with a huge unemployment check flying off the top. In fact, I'm gonna make them a deal. If they give us an extra week, we can make it an eighty foot flagpole! C'mon! {heads for the door}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
''{Kevin and Red are sitting around a card table, with Harold between them. Kevin is sitting where Red normally sits.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game, and today's grand prize is for anyone who's ever dreamt of waking up a millionaire: An alarm clock! {holds up a small clock} And playing for this wonderful prize is city slicker turned Possum Laker, Mr. Kevin Black! {picks up the word sign} Mr. Black, you have thirty seconds to get my Uncle Red to say the following word: {turns the sign around to the audience while Red covers his ears} Sushi. Sushi.

KEVIN BLACK: All right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. {puts the sign down} Go!

KEVIN BLACK: Okay, {clears throat} piece of cake.

RED GREEN: Birthday.

KEVIN BLACK: I haven't started yet. {thinking} Umm-umm-umm-umm-mum-mum-mumbly-bumbly...

{Harold starts to lean toward Kevin to give a clue, but snaps back as soon as Kevin starts speaking.}

KEVIN BLACK: Fish.

RED GREEN: Chips.

KEVIN BLACK: Raw fish.

RED GREEN: Bait.

KEVIN BLACK: No. Okay, um... what do you call it when you eat raw fish?

RED GREEN: Insane.

KEVIN BLACK: Uh, okay. A kind of bar.

RED GREEN: Open.

KEVIN BLACK: No, no no, a kind of bar you don't like.

RED GREEN: Oh, cash.

KEVIN BLACK: {pauses} When you go to a Japanese restaurant, what do you eat?

RED GREEN: I don't go to a Japanese restaurant.

KEVIN BLACK: Well, I know you don't, but if you did, what would you eat?

RED GREEN: Pizza.

KEVIN BLACK: They don't serve pizza.

RED GREEN: No, I'd bring it with me.

KEVIN BLACK: They don't let you do that.

RED GREEN: That's why I don't go!

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to his wrist} You're almost out of time, Mr. Black.

KEVIN BLACK: You remember the time you were stream fishing in Mercury Creek and you got that soaker?

RED GREEN: Oh yeah.

KEVIN BLACK: You remember the sound your boot made when you were walking home.

RED GREEN: Kind of a szhoo-zhee?

''{Kevin rings the bell a few times and sits back while Harold claps. Red picks up the alarm clock and starts examining it. He then looks toward the camera with a shrug.}''

Plot Segment 2
{Red and Harold walk into the Lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: Red, you guys are always so embarrassing when you're yelling and screaming like that! I told you the town council wasn't going to go for your beer-can sculpture. I told ya!

RED GREEN: Man, I can't believe the one they went with was from those two goofballs.

HAROLD GREEN: They're not goofballs! They're the head of their class at the art college.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy, oh, boy, art college, eh? That really prepares you for life's emergencies, doesn't it? Imagine the captain of the ship getting everybody together and saying, "Okay, she's taking on water, the engines aren't running, and we've lost the radio. Is there an art college graduate here? Maybe do some charcoal sketches for us?"

HAROLD GREEN: Haa-haa-ha-haa! I happen to like art, and I think it's important. And I like their design, too, y'know. It was a stained glass abstract work, and it was all framed in wood and copper, y'know, and it was signifying, y'know, the elemental openness of Possum Lake.

RED GREEN: No, it was signifying the elemental openness of the town council wallet, that's what it was doing.

HAROLD GREEN: No it wasn't! They– no it wasn't! They won that tender fair and square. And all your yelling and screaming and throwing of pocket lint didn't make a bit of difference, did it?

RED GREEN: Well, well, actually, actually it did. Our demonstration forced them to give us compensation for losing.

HAROLD GREEN: Ga– Compensation? What kind of compensation?

RED GREEN: {excited} Oh, Harold, they gave us the old army tank. They gave it to us!

HAROLD GREEN: No, no!

RED GREEN: The whole tank! They gave us the tank, Harold, we got the tank!

HAROLD GREEN: {dumbfounded} Whadda– What do you want that for? That tank doesn't run! It doesn't even move! It's all rusty and full of holes and rodents. It's a piece of junk!

RED GREEN: You just don't get it, do you, Harold, huh? This is about pride of ownership. Pride of ownership. If somebody says to me, "Do you have a tank?", I can say yes.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, but what if they say to ya, "Why do you have a tank?"

RED GREEN: The guys I hang around with never say "why". {heads for the door}

HAROLD GREEN: {looking to the camera} That's true.

Red's Campfire Song
RED GREEN:
 * Oh, you never see a vampire with a full grown beard,
 * Yet a vampire can't see his reflection.
 * So a lack of facial hair is unbelievably weird,
 * 'Cause you'd think shaving would be out of the question.

Handyman Corner
{Red is standing at the hood of a car and starts walking toward the driver's door.}

RED GREEN: If you have a teenager who has his driver's license, there are two things you never want your kid to have in the car, and they're both called accidents. {opens the rear passenger door, revealing the Handyman Corner sign inside} So this week, on Handyman Corner, we're gonna teen-proof the car so nobody's gonna be calling you Grandpa for a while. {shuts the door, then pulls a blowtorch out of the driver's seat} Let's address the main problem right off the bat. {lights the torch} From now on, this back seat is out of bounds. {starts welding the rear door shut}

''{Wipe to a later scene. The rear doors are welded shut. Red is sitting in the front passenger seat and rubs the driver's seat with his hand.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, wait a minute, now. Comfortable front seat like this? Just asking for trouble. Gotta go!

{Red gets out and pulls both front seats out of the car, tossing them away.}

RED GREEN: {winded} All right. I'm thinking, go with something that's purely functional. Not comfortable at all. {pulls a church pew toward the car} I'm thinking church pew, eh? I've never had any fun sitting in one of these. And I'm praying no one else does either. {puts his hands together and bows his head}

''{Wipe to a later scene. The pew is now inside the car where the front seats used to be. Red is sitting on the driver's side, hunched over the steering wheel.}''

RED GREEN: And go with something kinda spartan and hard here, maybe Presbyterian or Lutheran. And if your kid complains about slivers, well, I'd say there's been a sin involved. {turns around to point out a fence made of pipes attached to the back of the pew} Oh yeah, and another thing I've applied, I installed all these metal bars here, okay? Block the alternate route to the back seat. {chuckles} And I vote we're taking out this interior light, {picks up a small fluorescent light} and replacing her with this fluorescent unit here. You know how attractive everybody looks under fluorescent lights. {chuckles} Oh, and one last thing. What I've done is I've turned the radio on to the publicly-funded all-news station. {switches on the radio to a talk station} Now I've just gotta make sure nobody can ever change the station. {beats on the radio with a hammer}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is standing behind the car.}''

RED GREEN: All right, this is the one modification I'm most proud of. Now, remember that cheesy excuse, "Sorry, Dad, we ran out of gas?" Remember that, Bernice? {laughs for a second} Not with this baby. No way!

''{Red opens the trunk. The trunk is filled with gas cans connected by hoses.}''

RED GREEN: I got 438 gallons of gas in there. Huh? So those teens will be driving around for so long, they're gonna forget what they're driving around for. {chuckles} And if this happens to put your teen off of any form of transportation forever, well, congratulations! You've exceeded your expectations.

''{Red closes the trunk. The camera focuses on a bumper sticker that reads "If this car's rockin', Call my parents".}''

RED GREEN: So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

Red's Teen Talk
''{Red is sitting on a park bench. A teenage boy is dribbling and shooting a basketball, going back and forth past Red.}''

RED GREEN: Well, I hope you're ready for the world you're gonna have to live in. Yeah. I lost the coin toss last night at the Lodge. Had to go for coffee. {puts up his hands} I don't mind that, no, I don't mind. But I ended up at one of them fancy coffee places there. "Sufficient Grounds", or maybe it was called "Has-Beans" or something. Anyway, I walked up to the "coffee specialist", they call her there. I said "Give me six regular, three double-double, one black with eight sugars, to go." Well, she looks at me like a goat staring at a new fence. "What's a regular?", she says, huh? "What's a regular? This isn't a gas station, mister!" {chuckles} "Well, excuse me! All right, what do you got?" She gives me this list of lattes and mochas and cappucinos. Sounds like the guest list at an Italian wedding. "Well, you know what? Just give me ten cups of something that's sorta like coffee, okay?" So thirty minutes and the entire annual coffee budget later, she hands me like ten little cups {holds his thumbs and index fingers about an inch apart} about that size. How could anything that small be that expensive? And how could anything called Expresso take a half hour? So when I get back to the Lodge, of course, the guys say to me, "What kept ya?" You know what I said? "Progress!" {laughs}

Plot Segment 3
''{Red walks into the Lodge holding a rag. He wipes his hands during much of the conversation.}''

RED GREEN: Well, we got the old army tank towed up to the Lodge. Man, that was a job and a half, I'll tell ya.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, maybe you should have just hired a guy with a crane, y'know. He could have lifted it right onto a flatbed truck and driven it up here.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, and maybe I should have been born a millionaire. Huh? {laughs sarcastically} It's always money with you, isn't it, Harold? Need a tank moved, you pay someone. You need a roof re-shingled, you pay someone. Need underwear, you pay someone. I just don't work that way, Harold. {points dramatically to the floor} We got the tank here, okay? Mind you, it would have been easier if the treads weren't seized up on her. It would have been easier if she didn't weight thirty ton. But a few blown transmissions and a couple of broken chains later, we got her done. {focuses on wiping his hands with the rag}

HAROLD GREEN: Ha! Basically, you just dragged it over? Like a big rock?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow, that's not easy, because there's no direct path from the City Hall to the Lodge.

RED GREEN: There is now.

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} Okay, okay, congratulations, you've got yourself a tank. Now what?

RED GREEN: Well, we've got a lawn ornament that no one will ever steal. We could use it as a storage shed there, or maybe a crock pot. A couple of guys want to sleep overnight in it. That scares me a little.

HAROLD GREEN: I know, I know, I know! Maybe we could use it as a tourist attraction. Y'know, the business could really be used up here at the Lodge. Y'know, but... {laughs nervously} Aw, then again, what kind of tourist would come all the way up here just to see a tank?

RED GREEN: Hey hey! Guys like me!

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} Yeah, you're right, forget it.

RED GREEN: Oh... {heads for the door}

New Member Night
''{Red is standing in the basement in front of a bunch of assembled Lodge members. Next to him is Hap and an older man.}''

RED GREEN: All right, settle down, guys. As you know, it's New Member Night, and Hap Shaughnessy has brought a guy in to show us. Can't wait to hear this one.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Glad to see so many of you came here tonight. No doubt you heard that I was gonna nominate Jack Battersby here, and you had to come and see him in person. Well, I can't say as I blame you. To be this close to greatness! Now, of course, I'm used to it. Been around him so long, I guess you could say I'm jaded. But in case– in case you've been hiding under a rock these past twenty years, let me tell you a few things about this man. Forty years ago, Jack and I were bartenders at this club in Liverpool. And– And– And we told the club's manager to hire this band... The Beatles. Now of course, after that, the Fab Four wanted us to manage them. I didn't want to get tied down to one job, and Jack here, he got an offer to be in the movies. And he would have been great. But all the handsome men in Hollywood got together and they blacklisted him. So he's been spending his life bouncing around the world as a freelance gigolo in a part-time spot. Like me! Unfortunately, Jack developed so much charisma, the ladies won't leave him alone! Now you see, I can turn my charisma off and on, like this. {pauses, barely changing his expression} Now see, Jack here, he never mastered the art. So he's always attractive to women. Now that's why he wants to join a Lodge full of men. So the women will leave him alone and he can have some peace and quiet. Right, Jack? Okay, so what do you say?

RED GREEN: {standing up} Okay, guys, Jack here is a friend of Hap's, and seems to have done a lot of stuff, just like Hap. {to Jack} Wanna add anything to this, Jack? {Jack shrugs} Not much of a talker? ''{Jack shakes his head slightly. Excitedly}'' Unlike Hap, he's not much of a talker. What do you say? Aye! {raises his hand along with the rest of the men} Congratulations, Jack. {shakes Jack's hand}

Plot Segment 4
''{Red walks into the Lodge holding a set of jumper cables. Outside, there is a very loud screeching and clanking noise.}''

RED GREEN: {yelling over the noise} Unbelievable! Totally unbelievable! We got the tank running! Listen to this, Harold! {walks back to the door and holds it open for a moment, laughs, then closes the door again}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Uncle Red, why can't you guys just leave things alone? That tank was a passive, dormant ornament. Now it's like a loud, threatening eyesore. Actually, it fits right in now, doesn't it?

RED GREEN: Come on, now, Harold. Just our idea of fun, Harold. Who's gonna get hurt, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: You are.

RED GREEN: Well, then, it's not fun, all right? But if one of the other guys gets hurt and it's not too serious, that's what makes like worth living.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, you see? That's why my generation, why, we're way more mature than your generation concerning, like, common sense and safety...

RED GREEN: Oh, right. Your generation has tattoos on your butt and stove bolts through their noses. Now come on, Harold, go grab your video camera, and we're gonna go capture a special moment here.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha! What special moment?

RED GREEN: Forty-nine Lodge members in a tank, Harold. There will be a special moment! {Heads for the door}

The Experts
{Red, Harold and Earl are sitting around a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show. This is the part of the show where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say: {gestures to the audience}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! That's a truism, isn't it? Joining my Uncle Red in this portion of the show is his best friend in the whole wide room, the owner and proprietor of the live bait shop here in the Possum Lake area, Mr. Earl Battersby.

{Earl makes a "raising the roof" motion to the audience.}

EARL BATTERSBY: Thank you, Harold, and might I add, we have a new drive-thru window to help us serve all your live bait needs.

RED GREEN: Is that working out for you, Earl?

EARL BATTERSBY: Oh yeah, but we've had to go to containers. People feel a little uneasy driving through a school zone with lap full of frogs.

HAROLD GREEN: Really? Okay. {unfolds a letter} Letter goes as follows: "Dear Experts," la la la! "I have a twin brother, and we always seem to know what the other is thinking, especially when we're around good looking {trips on the word} women. Is this a mental condition because we're twins and/or what?  P.S., my brother wants to know too."

EARL BATTERSBY: No, it has nothing to do with twins. Mental telepathy is a power everyone has, but few people exercise it.

HAROLD GREEN: Really? Because I never know what people are thinking.

RED GREEN: I never care what people are thinking.

EARL BATTERSBY: They did a study and they found that thirty percent of people can read other people's minds.

RED GREEN: Can I see this study, Earl?

EARL BATTERSBY: Oh no, I don't have the study. But I heard it from a guy, who heard it from a guy, who heard it from a guy... No, it's true, I've always been able to read people's minds.

RED GREEN: Oh really? Why don't you read Harold's mind? Shouldn't take long.

EARL BATTERSBY: {pulls out a small piece of paper and a marker} Okay, Harold, I want you to think of a number between one and ten. I will write something on this piece of paper, and we'll see if it's correct.

''{Harold concentrates, seemingly straining for a few moments. Earl stares back at him for a moment.}''

EARL BATTERSBY: All right, okay. All right, I got it.

HAROLD GREEN: {holding his head in pain} Ohhh! Ugh!

EARL BATTERSBY: {hands the paper to Red} Harold, what number were you thinking of?

HAROLD GREEN: The number three. I was gonna pick seven, but then I thought, "No, he'll get me with seven!" So I went to six, y'know, but I thought, "I'm gonna go big at a time like this." So I went up to ten. But y'know, ten's not between one and ten, really, is it?–

RED GREEN: {interrupting} So you picked three, eh, Harold?!

HAROLD GREEN: Basically, yes, I picked three.

EARL BATTERSBY: Okay, Red, what's on the paper?

RED GREEN: Well, this should be good. {unfolds the paper and reads it} Oh. {turns the paper around to show it to the audience} "Correct."

HAROLD GREEN: {astonished} Whoa! {starts clapping} That's... wow!

Plot Segment 5
''{Red and Harold walk into the Lodge, looking dirty and ruffled. Harold is holding a video camera.}''

RED GREEN: {shaking his ears and yelling} Okay, I think we're pretty much back to the way we were at the start of the show. {holds his jaw open for a moment}

HAROLD GREEN: {yelling} TANKS ARE LOUD!

RED GREEN: {yelling at Harold} YOU KNOW WHAT, HAROLD? TANKS ARE LOUD!

HAROLD GREEN: Loud.

RED GREEN: {normally} All right. Harold, why were you inside the tank?

HAROLD GREEN: I wanted to get a POV shot, y'know, what it looked like from inside the tank.

RED GREEN: Yeah, but you're a journalist, Harold, y'know, an observer. You're not supposed to touch things!

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I asked somebody! I said, "What's this button for?" Nobody answered!

RED GREEN: Well, we couldn't hear you, Harold. When you're knocking buildings over, there's a lot of racket going on.

HAROLD GREEN: I wouldn't have touched the button if I knew it was a loaded cannon. I mean, why was the cannon loaded?

RED GREEN: Oh, it wasn't really loaded. Edgar just thought it would be more authentic if we had a thermos full of dynamite dropped into the chamber there, eh?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I mean, what are the odds? What are the odds? What're the odds, y'know, that the cannon would actually fire? What are the odds that it would be aimed at the new town monument? What are the odds?

RED GREEN: I tell ya, glass and copper is no match for an exploding thermos.

HAROLD GREEN: I just feel for those students. They worked so hard on that thing.

RED GREEN: Oh Harold, they're in art college. They love rejection.

HAROLD GREEN: And the legal ramifications. Y'know, I mean, we didn't– we lost them their new monument.

RED GREEN: Y'know what I did? I gave them back the tank, Harold. So everything is gonna be fine. They're not gonna sue us 'cause we don't have anything! {laughs} I love that about us!

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's meeting time, now.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. I'll be down in a minute. {louder} You go ahead.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! {runs for the stairs}

RED GREEN: Tanks are loud! {to the camera} Well, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and... Mission accomplished with the tank thing, so... we had a bit of a D-Day, and I'm hoping that tonight will be D-Night. {to the audience} And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice! {waves and heads for the stairs}

''{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Red walks down the stairs and over to Harold.}''

HAROLD GREEN: You look nice. Oh, sit down! Here he comes! Take your seats everyone! He likes it when everyone's sitting down. Okay, all rise!

{The men all stand up and cross their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone except Harold sits down.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, I was asked to make one announcement. {flatly, without enthusiasm} I'd just like to say I am formally apologizing for firing off the cannon in the tank. I am very ashamed, I had no idea what I was doing, and I take no pleasure in the amount of property damage that I've caused. I would also like to extend my condolences to the art college students who built that beautiful monument that I and I alone destroyed. {pauses, then excitedly} But did you see that baby go down? {the men cheer} That was, boom! I was booming that one! {seriously} But I am sorry...