The Bachelor Auction/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You ever notice how winding

your window down by hand

makes you look

lower middle class?

Here's a cheap way

to fix that.

First of all, what

you want to do is

get the window winder

right off there.

Throw that away.

Next, get yourself one

of these battery-powered

hand mixer-type units here.

You ever notice on these

how the blades go in

opposite directions?

Remember that.

I'm going to be referring

back to that later on.

These are real cheap,

especially if the blades

are missing.

Okay, now, to wind

the window up,

all I do is stick one

of these blade receptacles

over the window winder shaft.

And then just

hit the button.

And how do I wind it down?

Well, that's where that

reversing direction thing

comes in that I was

referring to earlier.

I just pop that on.

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

Got a bit of a

financial situation

going on at the

lodge this week.

If any of you have

sent in your dues or

made a donation

of any kind,

we didn't get it.

I went down to the bank.

I asked to see the

possum lodge account,

they handed me a

little jar with coins in it.

[ laughing ]

what are you

guys doing here?

We were doing

a little advertising.

Yeah, we were just kind

of hoping, you know,

to tap into the power

of television's exposure

to meet some

foxy ladies.

Oh, man.

Yeah, we've been

having a bit of trouble

meeting the

ladies around here.

That's because

they know you.

I'd like to

help you guys,

but I've got to raise

some cash for the lodge.

Well maybe that's an area

we can help you out

because, I mean, like,

I've got my own sewage and

septic sucking business.

I've been raking it in

pretty good lately, red.

I heard that.

Yeah.

As a matter of fact,

I've got entrepreneur

written all over me.

Well, maybe if you hose it off,

you could get a date.

[ laughter ]

date!

That's it!

A bachelor auction.

A bachelor auction?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You and me and some

of the other fellows

will go into it,

and women will bid for

the right to spend an

evening with us.

Well, I don't know

about doing it for money.

Like, I promised my mom

I'd stay out of

the family business.

No, no, no.

The lodge gets

the money, not us.

Oh, okay.

We get the dates!

Well, what do the

women get out of it?

You might want to

keep that as

a surprise.

Yeah, good point.

Yeah, good plan.

Time to play the

possum lodge word game.

Today's prize

is a coupon for three kisses

at brenda's kissing booth

at the possum lake fall fair.

Brenda's pleased to announce

that the tests came

back negative,

so she's back

in business.

That's brenda's

kissing booth,

kisses one dollar.

Ask about

our other prices.

Red, you've got

30 seconds to get --

harold to get,

that's right --

to get harold

to say this word.

You have 30 seconds

to get harold to

say this word.

And go.

All right, harold.

Yeah.

Okay, for a man, this is

the worst thing to be.

Judgmental.

No, I was thinking

more along the lines of

you know, dork,

moron, goofball.

Oh! Oh!

Your family tree.

That's interesting

coming from one

of the major knotholes

on that tree.

Remember that girl

you went with in college?

What did she call you?

Collect.

No. No. No.

What name did

she call you?

Pooky-pants.

This is going

to take forever.

Chop chop here, red.

You're just about

out of time.

Okay, harold,

guys like you

are referred to as --

the future.

No, no, harold,

this is an insult.

An insult?

Oh, that's different.

I was going

to say geek.

Yeah!

[ bell ringing ]

welcome to

talking animals

with the local

animal control officer

ed frid.

Ed had brought us in

an electric eel today.

C'mon up here, ed.

C'mon, ed.

Okay, sure.

No big deal.

So what do these

electric eels eat,

anyway?

You know,

electric eels

are actually

a species of fish.

But you know,

we call them eels

because --

because --

because they

look like eels.

They're all

smooth and black.

They got the sharp teeth

and the beady eyes, eh?

And they're always looking

like they're up to something,

like they're planning

something behind your back.

Just like an eel.

Okay, now, that's

good information,

but I asked you

what they eat.

Oh, oh, right.

Yeah.

Here's what happens.

A little fish

comes swimming by,

and the electric eel

will electrify the water

all around it.

Like that,

and it eats the little

fish while it's still

in shock.

Oh.

These things

can drop a horse.

Yeah.

Up to 600 volts comes

out of these babies.

Holy smoke.

You don't want

one of these in

the bathtub with you.

No, I wouldn't

advise that.

No.

No, that's not

a good idea.

Don't ever bathe

with electric eels.

Because the

teeth alone --

all right, ed.

Ed, I was joking.

Ed, it was a joke.

Don't --

don't ever joke

about electric eels.

Okay. All right.

Fine. Fine.

So what temperature

do you keep the water

at there for the eel?

Oh, I don't know,

just sort of warm,

I guess.

You okay, ed?

Yeah, I'm good.

Yeah.

I'm good.

Where are we?

You were just

telling the people

about the fish

you brought in here.

Yeah.

Really?

Okay.

Well, as

you can see,

the full-grown

dolphin

loves to

play with people.

Many of them

have their own

television programs.

Like you, ed.

First of all,

I'm not ed.

And that's

not a dolphin.

Yes, it is.

That's flippy the dolphin.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

He loves to

be petted too.

Come here, guy.

No, no, no.

All right, now.

Ed -- ed -- ed.

I think we'll have you

come back another day

with another animal.

How's that?

Sounds good,

flippy.

You know, every

once in awhile

your wife will

let you know that

it's time to get rid

of some of your junk.

You'll know the time

because it starts to get cold.

Your meals are cold,

your bed is cold,

and every time she looks at you

the furnace kicks on.

That's when you know it's time

to clean out the storage shed.

Now, I suppose you could

just throw this stuff

into a ravine, or whatever,

but is that what

a responsible person does?

Not according

to the cops.

No, no, today's handyman

gets rid of his junk

by turning it

into something useful.

Your wife can relate.

It's basically what

she did with you.

All right, let's see

what we've got here.

Chair with no legs;

got a lawn mower

missing the front wheels;

got a chunk of

an extension ladder;

and a kid's bike.

I should be able to

make something out of this.

If at first you

don't succeed,

use more duct tape.

Junk?

I don't see any junk.

I see a top-fuel

elimination rail dragster.

Okay, maybe we don't have

the short block 350 chevy

with the dual quads

and headers on there.

But a lawn mower engine

does one thing

just as good

as any v-8,

it makes a lot of noise,

especially if we

de-install the muffler.

And stick in

a low back pressure

funnel unit in there.

Anyway, the real

secret is the fuel.

I put a gallon of stuff in

left over from junior's stag.

I'm not sure

what it is,

but if it goes through that

engine as fast as it

went through junior,

we'll be looking

at a land speed record.

A chair with no legs

makes a perfect seat,

and a lawn mower handle

makes a perfect steering wheel.

As it's a dragster,

you don't steer it anyway.

I've got all the

controls at my fingertips...

Ignition, throttle

and mulch.

So I'm basically

ready to go.

So remember,

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I've got to burn

some serious rubber.

Never thought I'd see the day

when I'd be talking about

chest implants for men,

but that

day has arrived.

Okay, here's the deal.

Guys are gettin' little plastic

bags full of sea water

implanted into

their chests

so they'll look like

arnold schwarzenegger

without doing

the exercising.

You look like a barracuda,

but you are, in fact,

a jellyfish.

Okay, this is only

asking for trouble.

Like say you're

out on the street,

you're all pumped up

with your new pecks,

some hood grabs

some old lady's purse

and takes off runnin'

right towards you.

Everybody's yellin',

stop him!

Stop him!

'cause you're this

big muscular guy, right?

You gotta do something.

So you step in

front of this thief,

and he runs

right into you.

Blam!

Your implants explode

like eggs on a windshield.

He goes by,

you start chasin' him.

You sound like two

rubber boots full of water.

After about a block,

you drown from

the inside.

So forget the implants.

My grandfather

once told me,

never let your mind write a

cheque that your body isn't

prepared to cash.

Remember, I'm pullin'

for you.

We're all in

this together.

[ cheers and applause ]

well, we gotta

think of some way

of sweetening the pot.

The auction's

tonight,

and so far it's

just mike and me in it.

Oh, man.

[ audience whistling ]

red:

That's a nice suit

you got there, mike.

Well, thanks.

Your tailor expecting

to put on a lot of

weight and height?

Very funny.

It's not custom made.

I got it off the rack,

and I was in kind of a hurry.

[ laughter ]

was the store

about to close?

No, it was

about to open.

[ laughter ]

you know, winston,

if mike's gonna be

wearing that to

the auction,

you better spruce

up a little bit;

otherwise, you're not

gonna get any bids.

Oh, winston'll

be fine, dalton.

No matter how

good mike looks,

he's only gonna

go home with

one woman.

Well, we don't

know that.

Mind you, if it was

more than five,

it would be

my personal best.

[ laughter ]

well, I might be able

to give you a run for

your money, pal.

Don't forget I didn't

make it big in the

sewage business

by backing away

from challenges.

Well, you know,

I'm gonna go out

and see if I can't drum up a

couple more bachelors

because I love to see people

I know being humiliated.

[ laughing ]

I think I'm just gonna stand

here and look good.

[ laughter ]

five women, mike?

Uh, yeah,

it was a ladies'

basketball team.

Oh, man.

Did you make to

the playoffs?

No, I fouled out.

[ laughter and applause ]

okay, we're here

to solve a problem

between dalton humphrey

and hap shaughnessy.

Dalton, why don't you

give us your side?

[ sighs ]

that man

is a liar.

Could you be more

specific at all?

I draw your attention

to exhibit "a."

red, could you

please hold that up?

Now, that is a man's

white glove that belongs

to hap shaughnessy.

He claims that it was

originally the property of

none other than

napoleon bonaparte.

He wants to donate it to

the possum lake curio and

natural oddities museum,

and I am the one who has

to authenticate it.

This your glove, hap?

Give it

to me, red.

Let me have

a look.

Yep.

You see?

See that "m" on that tag?

That stands

for main,

and that's

french for hand.

I think that "m"

stands for medium.

I believe that's

french for 42-d.

You see what

I'm sayin', red?

He's lyin' through

his teeth.

There's no way that napoleon

gave him that glove.

Well, that's obvious.

Napoleon died a thousand years

before I was born.

This glove was given to me

by his great grandson,

bob bonaparte.

[ laughter ]

I saved his

life one night

when he came into a

satan's choice meeting

wearing his

mime costume.

I've never been a big

fan of mimes myself.

On the other hand,

they don't talk.

Well, look at

that glove.

It's not antique,

it's brand new!

Yeah, it is in

pretty good shape, hap.

Well,

of course it is.

This was on the hand

that he always kept

inside his jacket.

[ laughter ]

when you think

about it,

napoleon conquered europe

single-handedly.

Red, can't you

do something?

I mean, that glove

belongs to hap,

not napoleon.

I think I can prove it

once and for all.

Look, I rest my case.

Sorry, dalton.

He's got a precedent there.

It the glove doesn't fit,

it belongs to the french twit.

Red:

Uh, young walter

called us up.

Had an emergency

of some kind.

He was stuck,

apparently, somewhere's,

and dalton and I

come up there --

I don't know whether

he was in a tree,

or there's a ravine

close to the road there.

I thought maybe he might have

fallen down the ravine.

May that was --

but, uh, --

no, he wasn't

down there.

That stick had been sittin'

down there for a couple

of weeks.

Don't know where

that was from.

But, uh, dunno where

the heck he is.

Oh, wait a minute.

Uh-oh.

Oh, man.

What?

Just use the --

use the --

bring 'er down

with the controls.

Hit the down --

just bring 'er down

with the control.

Hit the control.

Oh, they're not working.

Oh, the controls

aren't working.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

C'mon.

C'mon, dalton.

Here, boy.

Here, boy.

C'mon, boy.

Here, boy.

All right.

Now we had a special ladder

we got from

the r.K.O. Studios.

These are hard

to come by, believe me.

They're a great unit,

you know.

If you can get ahold of one,

they're unbelievable.

A great system.

But you need that kind of

length when you're goin'

up the --

real heavy, and leverage

is major here.

Get 'er up.

Get 'er up.

I think it's gonna

be just perfect.

Just perfect.

Hang on, walter.

Help's on its way.

Here it comes --

oh, no.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

And down the ravine.

Okay, now, if we can hook

on to one of the levers

or an edge,

anything sticking

out of this --

now, you stand back, walter.

Get back away.

We're gonna try to lasso onto

a piece of the metal,

and we can pull

the whole unit down.

Just get her up there.

Hook onto something

there, dalton.

Hook onto something.

Yeah, you'll

be all right.

Oh, uh, yeah.

Well, uh,

oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Give 'er a good one!

And, oh, my gosh!

Well, oh!

All right, well,

he's down, you know.

Oh, and he's good.

And he's good.

And he brought

the ladder back.

[ applause ]

[ clock ticking ]

you know, a lot of

the young guys grow up

missin' out learnin'

how to use their hands

because they figure

anything they need

they can just go out and

buy at a store, you know.

Well, I'll tell ya,

it's no kindness to let

a young guy grow up

to be a wuss.

So today we're

gonna spend --

here,

give me that.

We're gonna spend

some quality time

learnin' how

to build a --

what are

we gonna do?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Okay, but what is this?

What do we have here?

What does it

look like?

What -- what -- what --

what is it, huh?

What does that look like?

Don't touch it!

Don't touch it.

You'll break it.

Okay, it's

a birdhouse.

It's a birdhouse.

We're gonna build

a birdhouse.

All right.

Now, the first thing we

wanna do with the birdhouse

is nail this side

onto the bottom.

And I'm gonna need

some help with this.

I'm gonna need some help,

so are you gonna help

old dalton with this?

Are you gonna?

Sure you are!

Okay, you hold that good.

Just hold it anywhere.

No, not there.

No, no, that's not

steady enough.

Just hold it --

no, no, not there!

I told you

not there.

Oh, give that to me.

[ laughing ]

all right, now,

the first thing

we gotta do,

get a nail

started, right?

Get the nail in,

give 'er a little tap or two.

Tap, tap, tap.

Okay, and now we're ready to

line up the bottom.

We'll get a good --

ah!

Oh, boy,

that did hurt.

You don't wanna do that

too often, do you?

Okay, I just showed

you that,

so you can see

what will happen if

you're not careful.

All right?

I think that's enough

wood shop for today.

Go off and --

off you go.

Just don't grow up

to be a wuss!

Bye bye.

Nice boy,

he's just not that handy.

Something you're

born with, I guess.

[ bell ringing ]

oh, man.

Audience:

Wah-o-o-o!

All right.

Settle down.

Sit down,

winston.

Okay.

Welcome to the first

annual possum lodge

bachelor auction.

We're all set to --

oh, all right.

All right.

I've just been

informed that our, uh,

first entry is a bit

of a surprise visitor

and a late entry,

and I don't know who it is.

Bring him in

whoever he is.

Our first bachelor,

come on in.

Audience:

Wah-o-o-o!

[ whistling and applause ]

okay, here

goes nothin'.

Uh, will any of you

give us 50 bucks?

Oh, man.

All right.

How about $100?

How about $200?

That's okay.

No hard feelings.

How about $300?

Okay, let's speed this up

before you ladies regain

your senses.

How about $500?

Sold!

The winner, if we can

call her that,

is this lady right here

in the front row.

Oh, my gosh.

[ applause ]

all right.

Next bachelor.

Winston, do you wanna

stand up here?

Can we start the

bidding off at,

say, $100?

$100?

Okay, how about

50 -- 50 --

you know what,

I'm gonna group

the next two items.

Mike,

get up here.

And, uh, ladies,

you just start the --

anybody give me a --

tell me where I should

start the bidding.

I'll bid $10.

You know, I don't think

anybody's that desperate

for a date, dalton.

It's not a date.

I need help cleanin'

out my warehouse.

Sounds good

to me.

You got 'em both

for 10 bucks.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, there's the meeting.

C'mon, guys.

Yeah, you guys go ahead.

I'll be right down.

If my wife is watchin',

I'll be comin' straight home

after the meetin',

and I'm so glad I stayed

faithful to you over the years.

I tell you, being

married is tough enough.

Dating's even worse.

I can't imagine doin' both.

Hats off to

frank gifford, huh?

To the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself and all

the eligible bachelors up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com.

Everybody sit down.

Everybody sit down.

Take your place.

All rise.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

[ laughter and applause ]

you go ahead.

I'm not here.

I am not here.

You're never here.

All right, men,

bow your heads for

the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Closed captioning provided by