Spokesman Red/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

We've all seen

the big airports

with the fancy

remote control hallways

that come out and sit against

the door of the plane

so that you can get in and out

without the rain soaking

your free pretzels.

Well, hey, I'm thinkin',

wouldn't it be great

to have something

like that at home?

So I've attached this

sewer pipe to my porch here

and it can swing around

thanks to the handyman's

secret hinge.

But when it's not in use,

these bungie'll hold her

off to the side,

so that the local residents

can get access to

the front door.

See, I don't do

much air travel,

so this is the

only chance I get.

It's not that I'm afraid of

taking an airplane,

it's more that the travel agent

is afraid of taking my cheque.

But when it gets

to be quittin' time,

and the weary traveller

returns home

from another day of seeking

gainful employment,

his vehicle will push

up against this canadarm,

which will simultaneously

activate the remote control

entranceway.

Something like this.

All right, now, make sure

you go with a brand new

sewer pipe

when you do this because,

I tell ya, the used ones,

just way too slippery.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got a meal to catch.

Oh boy.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

thank you very much.

Appreciate that.

Well, after 30 years of

givin' it a real good try,

I am finally prepared to admit

that it is impossible

for a normal guy

with limited resources

to make an

affordable submarine.

Coincidentally, I am now

selling a 1974 chevy van.

She's only 10 bucks.

If you wanna test drive,

you better bring your

scuba gear.

Uncle red, uncle red!

This is so great,

this is so great.

[ cheers and applause ]

what is it, harold?

Got this letter here.

A major corporation

wants you to do

ads for them.

Oh!

Yeah!

You mean like

be a spokesman?

Spokesperson!

Aw --

get with the times,

uncle red.

You should never identify

anybody by their sex.

Well, you've

proven that, harold.

Anyway... You'd get

endorsement fees

and free samples.

Wow!

Yeah, it's part of a high

profile line of products.

You could be like the

next, uh, martha stewart.

But with dignity.

Yeah, more like

ronald mcdonald.

Yeah!

You know, I can't tell

you what the line

of products are,

because this deal

hasn't been signed yet.

So I can't tell you

the company, okay.

So don't try and get it out

of me coz I can't do that.

That would be unethical.

So don't...

Oh! You're so good!

Okay, I'll tell ya.

Oh, harold, harold!

Can you back off

on the saliva?!

I'm gettin'

swimmer's ear.

Try again.

[ inaudible ]

well, I drive one --

shhh shhh shhh!

Don't! Stop it!

All right, sorry.

You're gonna

ruin everything.

The deal hasn't been signed,

you'll just kill it right off

by doing that.

Don't even.

All right, all right.

Boy...

They want you to

do commercials too.

Ah, geez, harold,

I dunno about that.

All you have

to do is smile.

You see,

there's always a catch.

No, the ad features you

in a hot tub with six models.

Audience: Whooooooooo!

You don't mean like model

airplanes, do you?

No! No, I don't.

No, I don't.

Fashion models,

hired for their looks.

Male models?

No!

Female models.

Female human models?

Yes!

Trust me on this.

When you see these

six healthy, young,

20-something models,

you know, in their...

Thong bikinis...

You're gonna know

they're women.

[ shudders ]

all right.

And all I have

to do is smile?

Well, you might

have to shave too.

No, no no no.

The beard stays

on, harold.

I meant your back.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today's prize is a coupon

from betty's pleasures

and crafts

and pleasure crafts.

Oh, it's a good one too.

A one-year supply

of calendars.

Okay, dalton,

cover your ears.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton to say

this word...

All right, winston.

And go!

Okay, dalton, um,

the opposite of married.

Happy.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Just say the first thing that

comes into your mind, okay?

A guy is no

longer married...

Congratulations!

No, no, no, I'm talking about

like the marriage is over.

He's not married anymore

so now he's...

Broke?

No, no, that's not --

okay, when someone's marriage

is finally, finally over.

It takes -- sometimes

it takes years.

It's all over.

But that means

you are now legally...

Insane.

No, no.

Your sister-in-law

and her husband,

they were married,

until they got...

Oh hoho, the results

of the paternity test.

Uh, almost

outta time, red.

Okay.

Oh, I know, dalton,

remember that waitress,

lucy down at the tavern.

Oh ho ho ho!

She got...

Caught. Yeah!

And every one of

those guys is divorced!

Welcome to the experts

portion of the programme

where we address

those three little words

that men find

so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

Heehehee!

Okay, and here's

today's letter...

"dear experts...

"I'm thinking about having my

body cryogenically frozen

at my death

"so that I might be revived

in the exciting world

of the future.

"what do you think?"

ah, don't do it.

I mean, you're gonna wake up

with an ice cream headache

that'll knock

your socks off.

Meh, it's not

that bad.

You've had your

head frozen, hap?

You know, that would

explain a lot.

Yeah, I dabbled in cryogenics

when I was at harvard.

Hap, if you went to harvard,

I went to yale.

So did I!

I said "yale,"

not "jail."

I didn't go to harvard.

I was there as a

consultant in cryogenics.

Walt disney was

funding the project

and he wanted me

in on it.

Hap, are you telling us that

walt disney was a personal

friend of yours?

More like a

business partner.

I was the one who

convinced him to go to

four fingers instead

of five on all of his

cartoon characters.

Cut his costs by 20%.

Walt was one of the

first to try cryogenics.

Nobody knows

where the body is.

Oh yeah, he's at the

port asbestos arena...

Disney on ice.

Um, I'm not sure if

I understand what

cryogenics is.

Oh, don't encourage

him, mike!

They stop your heart,

and then they immerse

you in liquid nitrogen,

and then in the future

they bring you back to life

and fix whatever's

wrong with you.

Yeah, like, say,

freezer burn.

So would you advise that it

would be a good thing

for this viewer?

Well, nobody's ever done it,

so we don't have any results.

Could be risky.

Oh, for sure.

Like a couple of years ago

old man sedgwick had

his assets frozen...

Now he walks with a limp.

So I would advise that this

viewer should proceed with

extreme caution.

Well, you're right

there, mike.

It's also, you know,

best to let some

things lie.

That's what we

do with hap!

You ever seen these

automatic coffee makers

that have the timers so you

can wake up to the smell

of fresh coffee?

You know

what I call that?

Nice try.

Coffee's not enough.

You can't just have

coffee for breakfast.

It's the most important

meal of the day.

For a lot of people it's the

last decent meal they'll have

until lunch.

Wouldn't it be better if you

could use the technology of

clocks and timers

to have your whole

breakfast prepared

before you're even awake?

Well, if you

didn't think so,

you probably wouldn't be

watching this show.

Okay, the first thing you

wanna get is another

coffee maker.

I would suggest

you go secondhand.

It's cheaper and we're gonna

pretty much void the

warranty anyway.

Tale the coffee pot

outta there

and replace it

with a small fry pan

and set her right down

on the heading element,

coz that's where we're

gonna do all our cookin'.

But we need the food to get

there at the right time.

And how are

we gonna do that?

Like clockwork.

You can get rid of

the extra coffee pot.

We don't need that anymore.

Too strong for ya?

I had to re-jig

the alarm clock a little bit

so instead of a little hammer

ringin' those bells

that's the cause of so

many broken broken windows.

I took the bells right outta

there and replaced them

with a coupla eggs.

This here is just

an old school ruler

that I was supposed

to use on my geometry,

but instead the teacher

used it on my backside.

And now it becomes the sausage

feeder for my automatic

breakfast machine.

Just gotta put a

counter weight on this end,

which will start the toaster

once the sausages are

in the pan.

A lotta coordination

needed here.

But I think

we're good to go.

I set the coffee maker

and the alarm clock

for 7 a.M.,

and I customized

the cuckoo clock,

so now it'll only

go off at 7.

Now I just have to move the

whole unit to the kitchen.

You're probably wondering why

I didn't just build the thing

in the kitchen.

Well, that's because

you don't know my wife.

I'm not allowed to do

projects in the house

ever since I did that valve job

on the dining room table...

During dinner.

[ clock ticking ]

[ alarm ringing ]

[ cuckoo cuckoo ]

I was listening to

the radio the other day,

and they played our song.

The song they were playing

when bernice and I met.

It's funny how sometimes

a song can define a

relationship, eh?

Like, harold's song is,

alone again.

And dalton and ann marie's

song I believe is

who's sorry now?

But for bernice and I it's

bluebirds over the mountain

by the king... That's right,

ersel hickey.

Remember ersel hickey?

Boy oh boy oh boy.

But the one they played

on the radio just now

was by like

some cover band.

I mean, what is with that?

I mean, it wasn't

ersel hickey at all,

it was just like a no name.

Holy cow.

I mean, bernice and I,

we want the real thing!

Especially when

it comes to hickeys.

What is with these guys?

Why would they redo

a perfectly good song

and do it badly, huh?

I mean, I sometimes

do my own version of stuff.

I might take a couple of ping

pong paddles and weed whacker

and make a ceiling fan

out of 'em,

but by golly, I would never

disrespect a classic

musical rendition

like ersel hickey did

in bluebirds over the mountain.

So if there's any

musicians out there,

for heaven's sakes,

there will never be

another ersel hickey!

Get over it!

Start makin' your

own nostalgia

and keep your cotton pickin'

hands off mine!

Thank you very much.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for ya.

We're all in this together.

Call rothschild's sewage and

septic sucking services

coz one in the can

is worth two in the bush.

Well, I spoke

to my wife bernice

about the hot tub

photo with the models.

She's okay with it as long as

I keep my clothes on.

I said, you know, I can't

control what the women wear

or choose n-not to wear.

If they decide to go

al fresco on this thing,

I mean, I might

see something

that I'm maybe not

supposed to see.

She said, no problem,

but she kept my glasses.

I'm not worried

about that.

I still got

a 20/20 imagination.

Okay, all set

here, uncle red.

All right.

Well, let's just this.

Where do you want me?

Right there

on that stool.

All right. Okay.

All right, just look

into the camera and

smile naturally

if you could

do that for me.

But where are the, uh --

okay, good!

All done.

All done? But where's

the hot tub full of

hunnies, harold?

Uh, in colorado.

C'mon, uncle red.

It's all digital now.

Get with the times.

Everything's right

here in my computer.

What?!

Yup, look at this.

Just move you here...

There you are!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, can I do something

like that with your head?

Oh yeah!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Okay, I'm gonna need a stock

picture of a horse, though.

Rear view.

Hey!

[ chuckling ]

red: A bunch of us going

on a camping trip there.

Had the tent trailer

and just uh --

guess we'll take

this spot.

But we noticed almost

immediately that the tent

trailer seemed to be missing.

And then there's

walter there,

but I don't think

he's got it.

Then a big argument as to who

didn't hook it up properly.

Just relax.

Good news, guys.

Good news, it followed us.

Okay, seemed to have picked

up a few clothes

on the clothesline

and so forth along the way.

But that's a good

spot right there,

so while we're there,

we'll just set her up

right where she is.

That's kinda a neat --

oh, and walter collected

one of those garden gnomes.

Picked up one of those,

he likes those.

Of course, mike and dalton are

anxious to get at the food.

They've been travelling

for over 10 minutes now.

So dalton's helping

mike into the unit.

Then he leans back,

and of course...

Hahaha, I found that --

I didn't find that

funny though!

So I say, get the

heck outta there.

That's not how

it works, guys.

Now, go -- everybody

go to a corner.

Coz there's a leg on each

corner of these units.

They pull out

and they snap down.

They telescope out and they

hold the thing totally level.

Now, do that

with all four.

Do that with

yours there, dalton.

His was kinda

rusted solid there,

so he gave her just a

little too much foot energy.

Okay, great.

Luckily, dalton

always has a plan.

Now, mike's was

really wedged on there,

and it wasn't even

moving with the hammer,

but he figures we're not gonna

use that hammer that much

this weekend, so...

And then walter's corner,

there's nothing there at all.

But then he

spotted the other --

I always wondered what

those things were for.

There we go, perfect.

Okay, now, get all

the clothes off there.

This is one of these

hi-low tent trailers.

You just turn the crank,

and up comes the whole

unit, see?

So stand back, guys,

and just watch this.

So I start cranking --

no, just wait, just wait.

Be patient.

She goes up pretty good.

And, uh, they're tryin' to wait,

but it's just killin' them.

They're tryin' to get at those

sandwiches and what have you.

They just can't

wait the whole time,

so they just start climbing

in before she's gone to

her full elevation.

And of course what happens is

she gets a little tighter

as you get near the top,

and she snaps off right

in my hand...

And the whole

thing collapses.

Well, now the three of

them are trapped in there,

but first of all check to

make sure they're okay.

Yeah, they're fine.

Just get mike out the others

will probably have time

to wriggle there.

No, nah nah, he's kinda

locked in there.

Then I think --

I'm thinking, boy --

yeah, I've got a

cordless drill in the van.

I could hook that up.

I'm showin' the guys.

They're not even inter --

they don't care how I'm

gonna do it,

just do it, just do it!

So I hook her up

to the axle --

then I had her goin'

the wrong way.

Then I just reversed that.

And then away we go.

And dalton go out no problem.

And mike got

outta there okay.

But walter was little

slower, and then --

she came down hard and

I thought if I can wedge

like a paddle in there

that would stop

the drill -- whoa!

And I've never seen a tent

trailer compress this far.

It was just -- but luckily

the cooler seemed all right.

And we just had to

check the sandwiches

yeah, looks good, looks good.

We're good, we're good.

Oh yeah, walter.

Here, have a sandwich.

Happy camping.

Got a bit of a

crooked floor here,

and it's makin' the game

of pool a real challenge.

So I'm trying to level it with

this spirit level

and the do-it-yourselfer's

guide to home improvement.

Okay, now we got

two options.

Either get another

copy of the book,

or get creative.

Let's see what

a real man does.

A true handyman

is like water,

he finds his own level.

[ applause ]

well, now that the whole

photo session is done,

I'm okay to talk

about the deal.

I am now the official

spokesman -- person -- thing --

whatever they call it,

for dodge,

which means I'm

lookin' at a new truck.

And it better

not be digital.

Uncle red! Uncle red!

The proofs are here.

Which is advertising

talk for samples.

Oh yeah, I know.

Is it a shot of

me driving a shiny

new van, harold?

No no, it's just you and

the girls and the hot tub.

Wow!

Are those real,

do you think?

No!

Those teeth are capped.

I don't see any product.

Where's the product?

It's inferred.

It's under the water.

There's a truck in

the hot tub?

A truck?

Why would there

be a truck?

Oh no!

I see your confusion.

Yeah, the company

is pronounced "dodge,"

but it's spelled d-o-j.

They're swedish.

So they

don't make trucks?

No, they make

adult diapers.

[ possum squealing ]

I'm sorry.

It's meeting time.

Yeah, you go

ahead, harold.

But nobody's to find

out about this, okay?

Absolutely.

Okay, great thanks.

[ laughter and applause ]

okay, if my wife is watchin',

I'll be comin' straight home

after the meeting.

I have great news...

Um, the next time we

go to the movies

I'll be able to watch

the whole thing.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

have a seat.

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Sit down over there.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to... I guess.

All right, men, there's probably

been some misinformation

going on about

what's in these boxes.

Actually a special new

product from, uh, sweden,

and it's for very

quick boat repairs.

Hides leaks.

[ ♪ ]