Back To Nature/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

I don't know about you,

but to me there is

nothing worse

than taking your wife out

for a romantic dinner

on a rainy evening

only to get your arm soaked

when they hand the order

out through

the window to you.

What you need is

a collapsible roof

that attaches to the outside

of your vehicle

and then expands over

to the drive-thru window

like one of those n.A.S.A.

Docking stations,

except this one won't be

used for some useless

science project.

Okay, now, what are

we going to use

for our collapsible

umbilical docking station?

I believe I have

just the thing.

I'm going to use the

bellows off this accordion.

I'm not a big fan

of accordion music.

To me the only difference

between an accordion

and a trampoline

is you take your shoes off

to jump on a trampoline.

If there are any music lovers

out there, you're welcome.

[ cheering and  applause ]

thank you very much

thank you. Appreciate that.

Actually, it's not a great

week to be up at the lodge.

Harold has been promoting

us as tourist friendly,

and now he's rented the whole

place out for the weekend

to these tree-hugging

naturalists.

I mean, it's some kind

of a corporate thing.

They're sending all their

senior people or something.

So now I figure

I've got two choices...

I can either hang

around here

and apologize for

everything I've ever done

and am going to do,

which is just like

being at home,

or I can go fishing.

And I've made my decision.

Uncle red, it's a

beautiful day, isn't it?

[ cheering and applause ]

it's a beautiful day.

A bee-ootiful day.

Something's wrong,

isn't it, harold?

Wrong, no, why does

something have to be wrong?

It is a beautiful day!

Beautiful day.

You messed up,

didn't you?

Messed up?

How did I mess up?

Oh, no.

You messed up.

I didn't mess up!

You're going to get $500

for the use of the

lodge this weekend.

If that's messing up,

then maybe I should just

mess up more often.

Okay, so everything's good

and we're gonna get paid?

'cause this is an

inconvenience, harold.

It's not an inconvenience.

It's business.

See, the lodge had to

find some way to start

generating funds,

so this is what

we're going to do.

An inconvenience.

Being foreclosed on

and going to jail,

that's an inconvenience.

Everything's good.

So everything's good?

Everything's good.

Everything's perfect?

I knew it.

You messed up, didn't you?

It was a typo.

It was just a typo.

That's all.

Well, I was under the

impression that these guests

were senior naturalists.

What?

I was wrong.

Turns our they're

senior naturists.

Well, um --

does that mean?

What the heck

[ laughter and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

today's winner receives

a weekend pass

at the bigamist

arms hotel,

including the

honeymoon suite

and a bed that

sleeps seven.

Okay, dalton,

cover your ears.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton to say

this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And go!

Okay, dalton, this is

something you should feel

when you think

of your wife.

Fear.

No.

No.

Guilt.

Regret.

No, dalton, this is

something positive.

Okay, okay.

Never mind about that.

You see a young couple

kissing under a street light,

you say, they're in...

Heat.

Almost out

of time, red.

Yeah, um,

all right, winston.

Okay, dalton, what is the

point of valentine's day?

Oh, I'm with you 100%

there, red.

I -- you know, I think

this is too tough.

I'd love to.

Do you want to just quit?

There we go!

If yours is the stinkiest

house on the road,

and neighbors fear

your lawn may explode,

me and my truck will

grace your abode.

I may arrive empty-handed,

but I'll sure

leave with a load.

You know, I'm not very smart

when it comes to history

or mathematics

or physics or chemistry

or botany or zoology

or languages or

calculus or home ec.,

but I can tell you one thing.

I know how cars work.

Unless they're new cars or

diesels or metric or

some stupid thing.

But for example,

I know that this...

Is a supercharger.

Right. Good.

That was lucky.

Now, a supercharger

is basically a high

speed air pump

that makes an engine work

better by ramming the

fuel through it.

Okay, I'm not a doctor.

I don't even play

one on television.

But it seems to me

that the human body

is very similar to

an automobile.

You've got your

intake manifold;

you've got

your carburetor;

you've got your engine;

and you've got your

whole exhaust system.

And just like

an automobile,

it's built for both power

and entertainment.

Okay, but just like a car,

once a guy gets a few

miles on him,

he starts to have problems.

That's because over time

the quantity and types

of material that are

going in here

far exceed the quantity

and types of material

that are coming out here.

This creates a surplus

in this area,

which causes a high blood

pressure situation

up in here.

Now, the doctors are going

to give you all kinds

of treatments

for high blood pressure.

They want you to take pills.

They want you to exercise.

They want you

to lose weight.

Let's be serious.

Oh, no, we need

a better way.

And I'm thinking

supercharger.

Because if a supercharger

can help a car engine by

moving fuel faster,

it should be able

to help a human engine

by moving blood faster.

Just give me a few

minutes to hook this up.

I'll show you

how it works.

By the way,

this isn't real blood.

It's cream soda.

And this is

not a real person.

It's a civil servant.

Okay, I got all my tubes

hooked up to a supercharger,

and I mounted a high-speed

cordless drill on there

to drive the unit.

Taped the whole thing together

using the handyman's secret

weapon, duct tape.

I don't think people

will even notice it.

Of course, now, you don't

want the thing running

all the time.

It's just for emergencies

when your blood pressure

hits a spike,

you know, like when you're

opening a letter from

the government,

or maybe a friend's

husband comes home early.

So what I did is

I attached a switch

to this blood

pressure reader thing,

and that hook up to the

drill and drive the thing,

and then as soon as the blood

pressure gets up to,

say, heart attack range,

the supercharger comes on.

Now, it's not going to

lower your blood pressure,

but it takes the load

off your heart

because the supercharger

is doing most of the work.

I don't really

see a downside here.

So remember, if the women don't

find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ applause ]

oh, I had a

thought last week,

and I want to share with you

before it slips away.

You know when

I was in high school,

the parents and the teachers

always liked the kids

who were self-confident

and self-assured.

You know the ones I mean,

the ones who would talk

to your mom and dad

like they were

their buddies;

or they'd phone over to

your house and if you

weren't there

they'd have a conversation

with whoever answered

the phone.

Parents always like kids

who had those kinds of

people skills.

My mom would say, "boy, that

brian is such a nice kid.

"he's so outgoing."

and employers

felt the same way.

These outgoing kids

became outgoing adults.

They got great jobs.

They did real well, became

leaders in their community,

and good for them.

Oh, yeah.

They made a

contribution to society,

and they were

rewarded for it.

Now, would someone please

tell them to knock it off.

At my age, I don't want

to be around anybody

that outgoing.

I'd much rather spend

time with my friend ed,

who hardly ever

says anything.

And when he does,

it's always important,

stuff like

"that's a cop."

these days, I just don't

want anybody outgoing

bugging me with

their good mood.

I'm old and something

probably hurts.

I'm well aware I'm in

the last third of my life,

and to be honest with you,

I want the time to drag.

So put a sock in it, brian,

I'm going fishing with ed.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in this together.

You just got home and

there's a new dent

in the car.

Yeah.

Put there.

A dent your wife

you're about to go

right off the deep end.

But be careful.

A lot of guys

have drowned

underestimating just

how deep the deep end is.

Yeah, we know you've

never put a dent

in the car.

Other people have.

Like that idiot who

tore your door off

when you left it open to

go in and buy milk.

Or when you got rear-ended

because some goof

never noticed

that you stopped on

the highway to pick up

what you thought

was a dime.

Or when the

engine seized-up

because none of your

friends reminded you

to check the oil.

You know, you take better

care of the care than

your wife does.

But there's no point in

getting all bent out of

shape about a little dent

and then have a head-on

collision at home.

No, don't be the one

trapped in your vehicle.

You may have a big mouth,

but it's not

jaws of life.

No, you just smile and say,

"that's okay, honey."

we know you still

love your car.

Just not enough

to sleep in it.

Okay, I'm trying to do

the right thing here.

I mean, harold

put a lot of work

into marketing the lodge

to these old nudists,

and they don't really

mean any harm, you know.

Plus, 500 bucks,

well, that's good money.

So, I mean, I've only

got one more day to go,

and I believe I'll

get through this.

I just keep looking at the

floor and thinking

about baseball.

Mr. Green, I need

to talk to you.

Just take it easy,

mike, all right?

I didn't mean to look.

I didn't want to look.

These people are like

my grandparents.

They shouldn't be naked.

They should be on a porch

somewhere, whittling.

Yeah, all right,

but it's only one

more day, all right?

You didn't

see what I saw!

Worse.

Lawn bowling?

Trampoline.

What?

Uncle red,

we got a problem.

What do you mean

we got a problem?

It's about

the 500 dollars.

Seems our guests feel

that we're not

embracing the nudist

lifestyle quite enough.

So tomorrow at noon

they're going to present

the $500 cheque to a

lodge representative.

But that lodge representative

has to be naked.

500 buck naked.

Buck naked?

[ applause ]

I think they

want you to go.

I think we're not

gonna get paid.

Red:

Was out for a

drive in the wagon,

and um, I noticed the

sheriff's car in kind

of a problem.

Looked like he had run her

up on a hump there.

And I was looking for

the sheriff inside,

but it wasn't the sheriff.

It was mike.

So all the more reason

to get her down.

Well, I've got a shovel

in the wagon,

but mike had

another idea.

He has a a different approach

to most things in life.

I don't totally understand

the kind of logic that

mike uses here, but --

anyway I like

having a wagon.

You can get a lot of

stuff into a wagon.

You're pretty much

ready for anything.

You never know when a

sing-song might spring up.

There we go,

there's the shovel.

All right and

get back there.

And fair enough, since mike

had gotten into the problem,

he was more than willing

to actually do the work,

which I

appreciated until --

until he broke the shovel

and then the mirror.

And of course mike always

has another idea

so what he figured he'd do

is he took the chain out

of the trunk there

and went from the back

axle of the cop car

and wrapped her around

the back axle of the wagon.

And he said, "don't worry.

What could possibly

go wrong?"

all right, well,

no, that's good.

Now we definitely have to

get the cop car off

of the hump.

Mike says there's a

concrete block there.

If I could stick the concrete

block, wedge her under

the wheel,

give him some traction,

then he could thrown

it into reverse

and that might just hump

it right off there.

Well, I'll give her a go.

He revs her up,

pops her into reverse,

and it did catch

for a second.

And into the ravine.

Okay, mike, now what?

Well, mike figured we've

still got the chains

between the two

sets of rear ends,

so why don't we put

the wheels up in there?

That'll shoot

the wheels back,

and chain will pull

the unit off the hump.

And I was really too tired

to think of anything else,

so I --

but this time mike didn't

get into the vehicle,

which ultimately

was a great idea.

They kicked off there.

Pulled her off and away --

but she's heading

the ravine, mike.

Do you think perhaps

we should...

Yes, let's...

No, she hit a tree!

We're good.

No, we're good.

Okay.

Everything's fine officer.

Nothing to see here.

Welcome to the experts

portion of the show

where we address those three

little words that men find

so hard to say...

Audience: I don't know!

Excellent.

And joining red today

is lodge member

and local antique,

mr. Dalton humphrey.

That's antique dealer.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry about that.

Today's letter

reads as follows...

"dear experts,

"recently I bought one of

those home barber kits

for my family.

"it works really well,

and we all had a lot

of fun with it.

"my question is can you

recommend a style of hat

"that my whole family could

wear for the next

month or two?"

yeah, okay. I mean hats

can be smart looking,

and this guy

needs something

to make him look smart

at this point, I would say.

We have a fine selection

of hats at humphrey's

everything store.

You know, I don't

personally don't wear hats.

No, you'd have to

go with an onion bag.

You know,

I recommend

the hard-hat.

That way you can combine

style with safety.

Well, see, okay, I have

a problem with that.

See, I don't think people

shouldn't wear hats

they don't honestly use

in their daily life.

Now a hard-hat, well,

that's fine for you, winston,

because there's

a reason for that.

You know, I mean you either

use it in your work,

or you have a soft

head or something.

But that guy

in the village people,

I don't think so.

So you're saying don't wear

a cowboy hat if you're

not a cowboy.

Well, exactly.

If you're out

there driving cattle

or mending fences, fine.

But eating baked

beans is not enough.

Okay, but, uh, but what

about a beret?

Same deal.

Same deal with a beret.

If you wear a beret

you'd better

either be part of a special

military strike force

or on your way to

a poetry reading.

And if you're both,

you've got some serious

decisions to make

about where your

life is going.

That's a military hat

you're wearing,

isn't it, red?

Yeah, how many years was

it that you served,

again, red?

Uh, well, uh, hey, I've

been married 35 years,

I served

every one of them.

No, no, that's not an

official military assignment.

That's more of a volunteer

civilian position.

Well, okay, okay.

But I've had this hat

a long time, all right?

It's called a

field manoeuvres cap.

I got it during

my dating years,

and I had a few field

manoeuvres, believe me.

Too bad you never

saw active service.

[ laughter and applause ]

I'll tell you the main

problem with doorbells.

They're too darn close

to the house.

You don't get time to

get yourself ready to

answer the door.

This was made very

clear to me last week.

I was on my way

into the shower,

and I was dressed

appropriately for

that assignment.

Suddenly my doorbell rings.

Well, I assumed it was

one of the guys,

and I didn't really

have time to get dressed,

so I just answered

the door alfresco.

Of course, it's not

one of the guys.

It's an older lady

collecting money

for the heart attack

and stroke foundation.

She took one look at me,

and I believe she had

one of each.

So I need something to give

me more time to prepare

for my visitors.

So I'm moving the

doorbell from the door

over here to the driveway.

Now, I just need some

sort of triggering device.

Anyone who's ever driven

a car knows that a pop can

emits a weird kind of weird

gravity to any driver.

You can't see a pop can

without driving over it.

So what I'm going to do is

attach one wire to the tab

and then the other one I've

got a lead sinker on there,

I'm going to drop that

down inside the hole

and I got a wad of the

handyman's secret weapon

to stop the sinker from

hitting the bottom

of the can.

But listen to what happens

when the can moves.

[ doorbell buzzer ]

[ doorbell buzzer ]

but talk is cheap.

Let's have a demonstration.

Better yet,

let's have

a cheap demonstration.

[ doorbell buzzing

incessantly ]

[ doorbell continues

buzzing ]

come on, uncle red.

If you want to see any

of that money you better

get those clothes off.

Harold, can you imagine

somebody tuning

in right now?

What would

they think?

Oh.

O-o-h!

No!

Well, do you want to see

any of that $500 or not?

Well, harold, just a sec.

I have some pride here.

It's hard to put

a price tag on that.

Come one, 30 bucks tops.

Come on.

Just a minute

here, harold.

The nudists said they would

pay a representative

of the lodge

as long as

he was naked.

It doesn't

have to be me.

You're not going

send a dog, are you?

No, no, no.

It's all taken

care of, harold.

Come on

in here, mike.

[ laughter and applause ]

I don't have a good

feeling about this.

Well, he's not

exactly naked.

Well, I've got to wear this.

I'm a non-swimmer.

Hey, they're the ones who

picked the main dock

to do this.

Safety takes precedence

over exhibitionism.

C'mon, mike.

I'll hold the

door for you.

You're a very

brave man, mike.

Thank you,

harold.

Well, here goes

nothing.

[ pop! ]

[ mike screaming ]

[ applause ]

[ possum squealing ]

oh, good.

It's meeting time!

Oh, yeah!

You go ahead, harold.

I'll be down

in a minute.

Okay, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home from the meeting.

And actually I saved you the

embarrassment of showing

the whole world

what you have to look

at every night.

Well, maybe not every night,

but hopefully tonight.

And to the rest of you

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself and

the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ applause ]

dalton: Sit down.

Oh, all rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: All right, bow your

heads for the men's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Want to sit down?

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