Red's Hot Sauce/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, at my age,

a good long shag

means only one thing...

Carpeting.

And I'll tell you, it's the

ugliest roll in the store.

They thought they'd

never unload it.

So I got it at

a great price.

They're so happy

to get rid of it,

they even lent me this

forklift to take it home.

They must think I'm nuts.

But they're wrong.

I'm not crazy,

I'm lazy.

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thank you very much.

Appreciate that.

Big, big week up

at the lodge this week.

We're all getting ready for the

possum lodge barbeque games.

That's where all the members

bring in their game,

and we barbeque it.

Now, I was supposed to

get the barbeque sauce,

but you know the stuff that

you buy, it's watered down,

it's overpriced,

plus I forgot to get it.

So instead, I went down

in the basement

and mixed up my own.

I call it

red's hot sauce.

Pretty spicy,

I'll tell you.

My slogan is:

Who says men never cry?

It was either that

or wind at my back.

Hey, red, harold's looking

for the barbeque sauce.

He wants that

mild honey mesquite.

No, no, no.

We're going another

way this year, dalton.

Red's hot sauce.

Oh, really!

What's in it?

Uh, mainly ketchup,

but there's some

other stuff.

I got mustard

and jalepeños

and cayenne

and wasabi

oh, ho ho!

And horseradish

in here.

I got some allspice,

I got a secret

ingredient

and one really

moist prune.

Wow!

Geez,

it looks great.

What's the

secret ingredient?

Even I don't know,

to be honest with you!

You know, there was

this can of blue

gooey stuff

at the back of the pantry,

so I, you know --

mind if I

have a taste?

No! No! Not that way.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Here, put a little

on a toothpick

and try that.

Oh! Ha ha!

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Hmm.

Yeah? Yeah?

You know, that prune

gives it a nice --

ah, yeah. Yeah!

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Whoa!

Whoo!

[ sigh ]

that's good.

That's really good!

I'm tellin' you.

Yeah.

Excuse me!

You guys --

[ applause and cheers ]

what's goin' on?

Have you got a

problem or something,

because my loins

are overheating.

I'm here for

the barbeque sauce.

What's this?

That's

barbeque sauce.

That's barbeque sauce?

Very much so.

Okay.

It doesn't look like

mild honey mesquite.

No, no, it's something

a little different.

Very much so.

Harold, you're the one

always complaining that

I never try anything new.

Hm, okay.

What?

Nuthin'.

No, nothing.

It's good.

Go.

Good. Good.

[ shrieking! ]

[ shrieking ]

[ shrieking ]

[ hearty laugh ]

it's time for

the possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today, mr. Dalton humphrey

will be playing for this

gorgeous necklace

from diamond joe's

discount jeweller

and hog fat rendering plant.

"at diamond joe's,

we put pearls before swine."

okay, cover your

ears here, dalton.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton to say

this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

Okay, and... Go!

Okay, dalton,

when two people do battle

and neither one

comes out ahead,

that's called a...

Marriage.

No. No. I'm saying --

this is something

that's a dead heat.

It's a...

Honeymoon.

No. Okay.

Okay, no.

Okay, pretend anne marie

comes home in a bad mood.

Pretend! Ha!

No, okay, but you

wanna make her feel good,

so you turn on the

tap in the bathtub

and you...

Drown myself?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

This is another word for

taking money out of

your bank account.

Heh. Heh.

Taking money out

of my bank account!

That's a good one.

Red, you're almost

outta time.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, dalton, this is a

four-letter word, okay,

but it's part

of another word.

It's something you

pull out in the bedroom.

Yeah.

Oh, my god!

I can't say that!

I gotta withdraw.

There we go.

Grab your cans

and label makers

coz it's time for

harold's hobby house!

[ cheers and applause ]

my first guest today --

my first guest today,

he's a hobbyist,

and he's also the owner

of the local -- the crafts

supply store here in town.

It's the

hot dog hobby shop.

Yeah -- yeah,

he's living his dream.

Please welcome

my first guest,

mr. Frank koepke!

[ cheers and applause ]

welcome, frank.

Thank you, harold.

Some of your

viewers may know me

as that fella who makes

handy household items

using only hot dogs.

Wow!

Now, why hot dogs?

I-it's cheaper

than lumber.

Really?

Coz you see,

I would think that

a 4x8 sheet of wiener

would actually cost

more than plywood.

No!

No?

Not if you buy in bulk

and very close to

the expiry date.

Then you can make

something like this.

It's a

dog food dish

made entirely

out of hot dogs.

Perfect for

wiener dogs.

I love wiener dogs.

Well, I love

the name.

Wiener dogs.

Just, um, frank, um,

wouldn't the dog

just eat the dish?

No.

I don't think so, no.

I do.

I think the dog would

just eat the dish.

Uh, would all

hot dog experts please

raise their hands?

Aha!

I think a dog knows

enough not to eat

its serving dish.

Dogs!

Dogs bark at their

own reflections.

They lick places I

can't even say on tv.

It's true. It's true.

I'm pretty sure

I know dogs well enough

that a dog would

eat that dish

and then he'd

lick the floor

and then wash it all down

with a big gulp of

toilet bowl water.

What else do you

have for us, frank?

Well, nothing says

romance like candles.

And you just

can't go wrong

with these all beef

candle sticks.

And the best part is

they're scented.

Is that hickory?

Yes, it is.

I thought so.

It also comes in

barbeque, garlic, cajun

which isn't a flavour,

but it really

impresses the ladies.

Oh, also have something

very special here.

Tada!

Guess who that is.

Sigourney wiener?

No.

Mr. Stupid hot dog head?

I don't know!

You know what,

it's actually my fault,

because I haven't

quite finished it yet.

That's the problem.

It's his fault.

Can't blame me.

When I say

it was my fault,

I was just being polite.

Oh.

Ha! That's me!

We have a wiener.

That's good.

The teenage years

are painful, difficult

and awkward.

And not just

for the parents,

especially if the teens get

interested in hobbies

like knocking over

liquor stores

or beating up the elderly.

And the most

dangerous stuff in life

happens late at night,

which you proved

during their conception.

So the best way to prevent

bad things from happening

is to get your kids to

come home at a decent hour.

To do that you need

something to attract them.

You know, other than the

$5,000 worth of video games

and computer equipment

you bought 'em.

You need a lure,

a teen trap.

See, when a

teenager gets home,

first place he

goes is the fridge.

A fridge door

has magical powers

that draws in

all teenagers.

Maybe it's from the magnets

on there, I dunno.

But the same kid who can't

focus on the blackboard

for 30 seconds

will spend an hour,

bent over,

staring into this baby.

So take that power

and use it...

On the front

of your house.

Now when your kid

is out a night, dancing

or throwing rocks

at traffic or whatever,

he'll remember

this fridge door,

and he'll wanna come runnin'

home to see what's inside.

And here's

an added bonus...

He'll never be able

to sneak into the house.

[ laughter and applause ]

you know, they say

that in a man's life

he'll own at least 10 cars.

Well, maybe not "own",

but at least make payments on.

Guys get different

types of vehicles,

depending on their age

and situation.

At first it's

something sleek and sporty

that says,

I'm single and fast,

and there's no room for a baby

carriage in this unit.

But after a few miles and a

bunch of service centres,

things have changed.

He's not a

sports car anymore.

What was once

sleek and sporty,

is now meek and forty.

He's a minivan.

But he doesn't

call it a minivan.

He calls it

a "magic wagon".

Oh, sure, a rusted out

dumpster on wheels

is a magic wagon.

And dandruff

is fairy dust.

The car you drive is a

mirror of your own vitality.

And have you looked

in that mirror lately?

"objects may appear

older than they are."

not pretty, is it?

Big and slow,

airbags everywhere

and a huge trunk.

But here's the good news.

At this point,

you don't need speed.

You don't have

very far to go,

and you sure don't

need to get there early.

Just relax, take

your foot off the gas,

and do what you spent

your whole life perfecting,

coast.

Remember,

I'm pullin' for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

you think

fear factor's gross,

I eat with these hands!

Well, the barbeque

games were so successful,

we're taking red's hot sauce

to a whole new level.

We're goin' commercial.

But it's not enough

to have a product.

You also have to have

the marketing.

I mean, where would

paul newman salad dressing be

without paul newman?

Or michelin tires without

the big, hairless, french,

albino, marshmallow guy?

Or janet jackson

without the superbowl?

So our marketing gimmick

is our packaging.

It's a water pistol, huh?

Now you can spice

up your steak,

without even getting

out of your lawn chair.

You can shoot

your game twice.

And I got a

new name for it...

Red's Saturday

night special sauce.

If you're goin'

to a party,

make sure

you're packin' heat.

Uncle red! Uncle red!

What is the secret

ingredient in that sauce?

I dunno, harold.

See, that's the

beauty of it.

Nobody knows.

I went up to the university

and took this up to the lab,

and they've

analyzed it, right.

Oh, no, harold,

wait a sec.

The time has come.

It's jet fuel.

Wow!

You cannot

sell that sauce!

People don't like

blowing up.

Okay, first of all,

that's a generalization.

And secondly, we're not

gonna sell it as

barbeque sauce.

We're gonna sell it

as gasoline additive.

We're gonna make

a killing, harold.

Exactly!

Red: We all agreed to meet

out behind the lodge

and fix the picket fence.

And bill and walter

are going to help out.

And I don't know

what the bale of straw --

guys, we're doin'

the picket fence.

No, no, you agreed --

what's the straw --

what's the bale of straw for?

Okay, they're gonna

do some kind of archery.

What are you doin', bill?

What is that?

He's got a --

wow!

He's got a crossbow

in his pants.

Okay.

Well, I'll just work

on the fence myself.

It's really not

that much of a surprise

to be honest with you.

He's got another

crossbow in his pants!

Holy cow.

So they get all set up.

To me, it's a

maturity thing.

I'd just as soon

do it myself,

without a couple of goofballs

like this working with me.

Okay, yeah, you got

the arrows and everything.

See how I became leader?

So I'm workin' away, tryin'

to clean up the environment

to make this a better

world for all of us,

meanwhile,

they're goofin' around

doin' a kind of

a charlie's angels thing.

Now, the problem

with the crossbows is

they're a

little bit tricky,

especially when you have

no idea what you're doin'.

So bill sticks

an arrow in there,

and of course,

it doesn't shoot.

Now, you kids at home,

don't even think about doin'

what walter's about to do.

This is not how you check --

no, this is not --

this is not a good idea.

No, walter. No.

No, no, no.

Well, as it turns out,

the safety was on.

I see why.

There we go.

We're fine, okay.

Now they're all

set to go,

and, uh -- oops.

Oh, all right. Okay.

Saves money on

a babysitter.

Okay, now, just get

that out of there, walter.

Just yank it out.

There we go.

Okay, now, the thing

with the bale of straw --

I'm not sure it'll stop.

These crossbows

have a --

straight through and...

Nails my hammer.

Of course, these

guys are oblivious,

and they just keep firing.

And the next

thing you know

my paintbrush is jammed

with an arrow through it.

And now they start

coming thick and fast.

They get the

mailbox there

they're starting

to hit the picket fence

with the arrows

coming through,

and the next thing I lose

my bouquet of flowers here.

So I'm thinking

I better get in the van,

get some safety.

They don't even realise

these things are going right

through the bale of straw.

So I'm in the van --

oh, boy!

Okay, but do you think metal

would stop one of these --

not so.

Apparently not so.

So now I'm thinking,

I should probably --

oh, there goes a tire.

I should be fighting

fire with fire at this point.

So I'll use my wheel disks,

get back there.

I decide to make

my own crossbow,

using the

old picket fence.

And there's one arrow

comin' their way.

And here comes

another one.

And then...

Oh!

Wow, now, this is fun.

Oh!

Hey, that's

a touchdown.

If you have to cut your grass

more than three times a week,

call rothschild's.

If your lawn mower

disappears into a sinkhole,

try our emergency number.

Boy, I tell you, this gasoline

additive is a real winner.

Guys care a lot more

about their cars

than they do about

their barbeques.

We changed the packaging;

we got a new name.

I'm callin' it

red's gas attack.

I'm actually gonna play myself

in the tv commercial.

Dalton's just on his

way over here right now

to figure out how

we can do it for free.

But I tell you,

man oh man,

everybody's car

is runnin' great.

They're gettin'

fantastic gas mileage.

The only problem is the exhaust

smells like a sirloin steak.

You know, like a dog'll chase

you for like 90 miles.

When I was sitting

there idling,

fat guys started

circling my vehicle.

[ explosion ]

excuse me a minute.

Oh, boy.

Ahem.

Red, I need

to talk to you.

What explosion?

I didn't hear

anything.

That was my car.

That was my car with your

gasoline treatment in it.

That was the loudest

backfire I've ever heard.

Oh, sure,

it was exciting,

and it smelled

a bit like ribs,

but it blew my engine!

Boy, that

is unfortunate.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Now, what are you

gonna do about it?

Well, uh, how about

a lifetime supply

of the --

no! No!

Uh, well,

okay, I'll replace

your car.

What was it

anyway?

Well, it was an

'82 reliant

with less than

500,000 miles on it.

Okay,

I can get one,

but you'll have to

wait till garbage day.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time!

Yeah. Yeah.

Lighten up,

dalton, okay.

The plan backfired

and so did your car.

But you didn't

get hurt.

Nobody was

following you,

were they?

I don't think so.

I dunno.

Well, see, so there's

no problem.

Away you go.

Go on.

[ laughter and applause ]

uncle red --

that's what you get

for tailgating,

harold.

It's meeting time.

I was an innocent victim in a

barbeque sauce explosion!

You know, harold,

you're not the first

virgin to be burned

at the 'steak'.

Away you go.

[ applause ]

if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting,

and I am out of

the barbeque business,

and hoping maybe you and I can

cook something up later

now that I'm

off the sauce.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, everyone,

have a seat.

Come on, sit down now.

Have a seat.

Everybody sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

Okay, men, it's all over with

the barbeque sauce

and the fuel additive,

because apparently

the stuff blows up.

So I would suggest you get that

out of your gas tank immediately

unless your car is a rental.

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