The I.Q. Test/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

The modern car stereo is an

amazing thing, isn't it?

Digital equalization,

super surround sound.

They even have a

detachable face plate

so the sucker who steals your

car can't even enjoy that.

Well, you get the idea.

So I'm thinking,

doesn't it make more sense

if they can't

steal your car at all?

So forget the

detachable stereo;

what you need is a

detachable steering wheel.

And I'm not talking about a

normal steering wheel.

You can't walk around with a

steering wheel in your pocket.

You'll look like a dork.

Instead, get yourself one of

these fold-up vegetable

steamers.

Got this outta

bernice's kitchen.

So not only do I have a

detachable, collapsible

steering wheel,

but I've also

eliminated the risk

of eating steamed

vegetables any time soon.

[ applause ]

how does that compare

with soggy broccoli?

If you ever get

stuck in traffic,

this thing doubles

as a snack bowl.

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you.

You'll all have to

excuse me a minute.

Harold gave me this

test card to fill out.

It's multiple choice,

so it shouldn't

take very long.

I don't pay any attention

to the questions, you know.

You know, if you just mark

the answers in the shape

of the big dipper,

I find I usually pass.

Okay, uncle red,

time's up.

I need the

answer sheet back.

Time's up.

I need the

answer sheet back.

Just a --

just a couple

more and I'm done.

Where are

the questions?

Harold, you know, this is

a face paced society.

No one really cares

about questions.

They just

want answers.

It's an I.Q. Test,

uncle red.

I was hoping to open a

local chapter of mensa,

and I need

suitable candidates.

Would any of this be

necessary if you had

a girlfriend?

That's not the point.

I.Q. Tests are

meaningless, okay?

When a person's smart,

they know they're smart.

Well, just because

you think you're smart

doesn't mean you are.

You think you're lots

of things you're not.

I think you're lots

of things you are.

Well, when we're having

our mensa meetings

don't you be upset because

you're not invited.

You know, even if I was

invited to your egghead club,

I wouldn't be dumb

enough to go.

Well, yeah -- yeah --

I think it's time we start

respecting people for

their intelligence.

Harold, I have a home,

I have a van and all

my fingers.

Around here that

makes me a genius.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner

receives a this coupon

for a free session

at the possum lake

food packaging plant

and beauty centre.

"why go through the pain

and expense of a facelift

"when we can simply

shrink wrap your head?"

okay, cover your

ears there, mike.

Okay, red, you've

got 30 seconds

to get mike hamar

to say this word...

All right, winston.

And... Go!

Okay, mike, if something

isn't crooked, it's...

Outside my experience.

Okay, look, say you

got a coiled up rope

and you unroll

the whole thing.

Now you've made it...

Over the wall!

Okay, if you have

a funny guy,

and there's another guy

who's not funny at all,

he's called the

something man.

Hit man.

No.

Okay, remember when

you were a kid?

Adults would say,

hold your head up,

shoulders back

and stand...

In the lineup.

You guys are

almost outta time.

Okay, okay, okay.

When you're in prison,

you want your

cell mate to be...

Oh! Totally wacko.

Oh, yeah, 'cause then

they'll put him in

a straitjacket.

There we go!

[ ♪ ]

oh, hi there,

boys and girls.

Ranger gord here.

You know, it's really

no surprise

that in a recently published

survey of the world's

best jobs,

forest ranger just snatched

the coveted 257th spot,

right behind telemarketer

and part-time keyboardist

in a jazz fusion quartet.

Why?

Well, it's because

we forest rangers

bear witness to some of the

miracles of modern nature

that you people only

get to see on tv

or some slapdash

educational film.

Speaking of which,

it's time for my latest

educational film.

So sit back and enjoy.

But remember,

my job is not available.

I don't care what the parks

department tells you.

Here we go.

[ ♪ ]

[ ♪♪ ]

hey, everyone.

Today I'm going to teach

every man, woman and child

the only sure way to determine

if autumn is about to arrive.

The leaves

change colour?

Oh! Kids go

back to school?

The air gets a

bit nippy?

You're both idiots.

In fact, the only

way to truly know

is to observe

flying squirrel day.

"not unlike groundhog day

in the spring,

"flying squirrel day is

the day the flying squirrel

"emerges from his

hole to see --"

oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

I know! I know!

To see his shadow?

Close, harold.

To see the ghost of

matinee idol, tony curtis.

I don't think

tony curtis is dead, gord.

Don't interrupt the lore.

"when the squirrel

spots mr. Curtis,

"he goes to nest to winter

in his thick lustrous

head of hair."

doesn't tony curtis

wear a toupee?

Well, enough back story.

Let's get started.

The first thing we need

to do is rouse the

flying squirrel.

Gentlemen,

shake this tree.

Oh, look at that,

my badminton shuttlecock.

My bicycle!

Oh, my anvil!

There's not squirrel

in this tree, gord.

I know that.

I just needed some help

getting a few things down.

Actually, the only way to

stir the flying squirrel

is with a mighty

blast of this horn.

[ no sound ]

[ small squeak ]

look!

Up there!

Looks like we've summoned

an entire squadron.

Oh, no.

Run, harold.

They think you're matinee

idol tony curtis!

Well, that's gotta

be a first.

We need to

distract them, red.

Do you see any nuts?

Nothing but.

This is no time

for levity, man!

Scrounge! Scrounge!

Hey, you squirrels,

down here.

Look, it's precious sustenance

for the cold months ahead.

[ horn blasting ]

well, it looks like it's

going to be an early

autumn after all.

So from all of us

to all of you,

[ harold screaming ]

have a nice fall.

[ applause ]

isn't it a pain when you're

driving by yourself

you have to reach out the

other window for something?

Well, what about this...

What if you could be

the driver and the passenger

at the same time?

Would that be

great or what?

So today on

handyman corner,

I'm going to show

you how you can add

dual controls to your car

so you can drive

from the right-hand side.

That way you can be the

passenger in your own car.

Because the passenger

never has to order the lunch

or work the a.T.M. Machine

or blow into

the breathalizer.

Okay, I've got my second

steering wheel in place here.

Actually, I got this

free form moose thompson.

It had ripped out of his car

when he slammed on the breaks.

Guess he gave it...

Now I just need some way

of connecting that one

to the real steering wheel.

I'm thinking of using one of

the inner tubes out of

this bicycle.

You know, this here

is called a kickstand.

Okay, that went

pretty well.

The nap helped.

Now I've got dual controls

and stylish wheel covers.

Just need some way

to hook up the pedals.

Oh.

If there are

kids watching,

you might want to

get them out of the room.

Okay, now, the hockey

sticks are perfect for this

because the blade is strong,

and it's shaped like a pedal.

So now all I gotta

do is attach these to

the floor of my vehicle.

And my real feet

on the fake pedal

is gonna activate the

fake feet on the real pedal.

Now, if your vehicle has the

floor completely rounded

out of her,

you're gonna have to abandon

this project all together.

Instead, you could

build a glass bottomed boat.

Okay, now to hook up the gear

shift and turn signals

and what have you,

I ran a few bungee cords up

over the rear view mirror

down through

the seat belt clips.

No real set rule on that,

because every car is

different, of course.

So you pretty much have to

use your own brain power.

You may wanna allow a fair

extra bit of time there.

Okay, other than that we're

pretty well set here.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Now things like

getting the mail

or parallel parking

are a breeze.

And the dual controls

make this vehicle

an excellent

driver training tool,

as long as you don't forget

who's teaching who.

[ ♪ ]

I wanna talk to

you guys out there

thinking about

changing careers.

Maybe after ten years

of wearing a paper hat

and asking people if

they want fries with that,

hey, maybe it's

time to move on, huh?

But I'll tell you the job

market is tough out there.

If you wanna compete,

you're gonna have to get some

education and training.

I suggest the

correspondence schools

because it's something you

can do in your own home,

in your own pace,

in your own underwear.

You can even play hooky by

mailing in an empty envelope.

But, see, at the

correspondence schools

you can learn a trade,

because you wanna

be certified in something.

Being certifiable

is real important in

the business world.

Yeah, because if you've

got a certificate,

it doesn't matter if you

don't have any experience

or even any idea what it is

you're trying to do,

because when you screw up

your boss'll be able

to blame it on

whoever gave you

the certification.

Kind of like passing

the buck, eh?

You don't wanna be caught

with the hot potato.

You'll be right back asking

people if they want

fries with that.

So get yourself

some training.

And if that doesn't work out,

well, just tell

any prospective employer

that you do everything

red green says,

and that'll prove

you're certifiable.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in

this together.

Announcer: This summer

terror comes to possum lake.

What is that?

And it sucks.

Is it a bus?

No, no,

it's a truck,

a sewage truck!

Who's driving it?

There's nobody

driving it!

Announcer:

Some men are born to sewage.

Others have it

thrust upon them.

If that unit hits deadman's

curve at over 55,

it's gonna be a

blood bath.

Well, some kind of bath.

Announcer: This summer,

winston rothschild faces

every septic professional's

worst nightmare...

The devastating power of

a runaway sewage truck.

I'm goin' in!

Harold:

Oh, come on, uncle red.

We can open

them together.

Come on, I don't believe

you're not interested

in the results

of the I.Q. Test.

♪ come on ♪

harold, there's nothing

in that envelope

that's gonna

change my life.

There's something in my

envelope that's gonna

change my life.

Come on.

Here's yours.

If you have anything,

we're not keeping it.

[ screeching ]

158! 158!

That is so good!

I'm the most gifted.

I'm like two

points away.

Do you know what

that makes me?

I sure do,

harold.

Okay,

it's your turn.

Open yours.

Open yours.

Open yours.

Open yours.

Open yours.

And remember, there's nothing

wrong with being of average

intelligence.

Thank you, harold.

So?

How'd you do?

I dunno.

You tell --

is 160 more

than 158?

No way!

There's like a

mistake or something.

Harold, harold,

there's nothing wrong

with being of average

intelligence.

[ applause ]

you said so

yourself.

These tests are

meaningless.

Yeah, but I said that

back when I was dumb.

[ applause ]

wait!

Red (voice over): Walter asked

us to come out the back.

He had his kite

stuck up a tree.

We were gonna help him.

I didn't actually

see the string.

So now we had

the kite up the tree

with a very short

string on it.

So I figure, you know,

there's a bunch of rocks.

Usually rocks everywhere.

Just pick up a

rock and throw --

be careful where

you go, walter.

There's some rocks

you might trip on there.

Walter's got a

pretty good arm,

but it's not

connected to anything.

And he knocks

the big nest -- oh!

And then the -- oh!

Then the next come

down out of the tree.

Now, walter had an unu --

he thought this was

some kind of transcendental

religious experience.

It's not the

maharishi humphrey.

Then a big bird --

okay, I see.

We're messing around with a

pretty big bird's nest.

I think the best thing,

get the next back up

into the tree.

We don't -- let's not worry

about the kite right now.

So dalton and I came over

to give him a boost up.

Never sure how you

do that with the arms.

Like you hold one wrist --

and we got into a --

we had a bit of

an argument.

Luckily, the possum lodge

oath comes in real

handy there.

Then walter could just --

you wanna get up there.

Just get the nest

back in place,

walter, get the kite

while you're up there.

But the bird starts

coming back

and doesn't quite understand

what we're doing,

and then -- okay, we had

no plan for this.

Boy, they get a lot of

lift out of those wings.

It's almost like they have

a crane or something.

Maybe that is a

crane, that bird.

And then he

dropped the nest.

There, walter's got the nest

right back in place.

Perfect.

Bird's gotta be happy now.

The bird's happy.

We're happy.

Nice job.

Nice job, walter.

Take a bow.

Take a bow.

And the bird

I guess is happy

because it dropped walter.

We got you

oh, no. Oh, no.

I guess the wind

took him there.

But he's out in the -- what

we find around the lodge

is if you give to nature,

nature will give back to you.

So we gave walter

a sore back,

and we gave the

bird the nest,

and the bird gave

us the kite.

What a great day.

[ applause ]

[ ♪ ]

you know, when the

weather warms up,

a lot of people like to hang

their laundry outside.

It's cheaper than

using the dryer,

and it's a real nice way to

block out that rusty k-car

you've had up on

blocks since 1985.

The problem with most

clothes lines is the

work involved.

You either have to walk the

length of her as you go,

or you gotta horse the

line around the pulleys.

Wouldn't it be great if you

could move your clothes line

with just a touch

of a button?

Well, yeah.

All it takes

is a little creativity

and your trusty

betamax vcr.

Make that your dusty

betamax vcr.

Okay, I just stuck

an old tape in there

and I wound the other end

around my far pulley

so I could use

it as a clothes line.

And yes, you could

do this with a vhs,

but everybody knows

beta's a lot better, eh?

And you can use

any tape you want.

I thought gone with

the wind was a good choice.

Now, to move my

clothes out,

all I do is press forward.

And when I want the

clothes to come back,

I just hit rewind.

And if I need the clothes

to dry in a hurry,

I go into shuttle mode.

Boy, harold's having

a lot of trouble

dealing with me beating

him on the I.Q. Test.

He may even be acting weird

and not making any sense,

but with harold

you never reall know.

[ laughter and applause ]

(imitating red)

how you doing?

Harold,

you look good.

(imitating red)

thank you. Appreciate it.

Big, big week up at

the lodge this week.

Oh, come on, harold.

What are you doing?

(normal voice)

well, my social

psychology class taught me

people can change

through emulation.

So I'm going to raise my

I.Q. By trying to be

more like you.

Do you realise how

difficult that is,

harold?

Wasn't even that

easy to say.

You can't be me.

Besides, we already

have a me.

What we don't

have is a you.

Ah, you're gonna

miss me that much?

Don't get carried away,

harold, all right.

Well, you have a

higher I.Q. Than I do.

That goes against all

sense of fair play

and logic.

Okay, okay.

Actually, harold,

I don't have a

higher I.Q. Than you.

I switched the results.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like you just opened the

envelopes and switched 'em?

That's what I did.

Then you resealed

the envelopes?

You're onto me.

You couldn't possibly think

you were gonna get away

with that.

Well, you know,

I'm not as smart as you.

And there's nothing

to be ashamed of.

Yeah, thank you,

harold.

[ possum squealing ]

oh, meeting time.

Boy, you're as sharp

as a tack aren't you?

Just keeps coming.

You go ahead.

I'll be down

in a minute.

Okay.

160! 160!

[ applause ]

okay, so if my

wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

Now, I told harold I switched

I.Q. Results with him

and that's how

I beat him.

Now, he's accepted that,

and I'd really appreciate it

if you didn't mention

that I switched

results with you first.

No husband needs an I.Q. Test

to figure out who the

smart one is.

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and the genius harold,

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

everybody sit down.

Sit down, everybody.

Yeah, sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

All right, men, bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to, I guess.

All right men, I understand

harold has a brief

announcement.

Yes, very much so.

Okay, yes, all the

I.Q. Tests are back now,

and we're definitely

going to have

our local chapter of mensa.

Now, the thing is you have to

have a minimum I.Q. Of 150.

So most of you are going

to have work in pairs.

Closed captioning performed

by intercaption canada

www.Intercaption.Com