The Compost Heap/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

(applause)

(whooping)

thank you very much.

I'm happy to announce

we had a breakthrough

in our ongoing cash crunch.

We have decided to grow

some of our own food.

Gardening?

That's excellent!

That's way-- oh, that's great.

Gardening shows get

way better ratings

than hunting and fishing shows,

or whatever this is.

Harold, we're not gonna garden.

Men don't garden.

My wife gardens,

my mother gardens.

Men don't garden --

they farm, all right?

It's the same idea,

but you lose more money.

You said you wanted

to save money.

Well, we will, harold.

We listed the food

we spend the most on.

We picked one we're gonna grow.

So, like, fruits

or vegetables or... ?

No.

Beer nuts.

(audience laughing)

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): Ranger gord's gonna do

a little step-dancing for you.

Edgar montrose is working

tirelessly, as usual.

I'm gonna do a little

power-gardening

out behind the lodge.

Good old garth harble's

gonna go out of control.

I cannot believe beer nuts is

the number-one expense.

It isn't, but we d't know

how to grow pizza.

How about something

like radishes or green beans,

something that's easily grown?

We want to grow stuff

that we eat, all right?

Last year, our whole

vegetable budget was $7.00.

We ended up

with a $6.00 surplus.

You can't just plant one thing.

It's not good for the soil.

You gotta rotate your crops.

If that's like

spinning your wheels,

I'm doing that right now.

Say, for instance...

Ok, say I take a leek.

I'd rather you didn't.

No...

(audience laughing)

no, I'm talking

about beans and leeks

and cucumbers.

You gotta rotate

your beans and leeks

and cucumbers.

Why don't you take

a cucumber and rotate it?

(audience laughing)

(applause)

(cheering and whistling)

and they wonder why the young

people are leaving the farm.

(red): Bill's gonna be clearing

land for our garden.

He's got one of these

chipper-shredder units

that takes everything

and shreds and chips it.

That's how they got--

well, the name is

kind of sensible...

Kind of a sensible thing.

I hadn't noticed that he was...

Gotta get those brakes

checked...

(sputtering)

this is edgar montrose.

You know, today's explosives

are more powerful than ever.

For example,

there's a new kind of dynamite

that can blow an entire tree

over...

498, 499...

500.

... Over 500 yards.

Oohhh!

(coughing)

red...

Your daughter

has just brought home

her latest romantic conquest.

Another float in a parade

full of losers.

She's just said those six words

you've been dreading

since she started dating

this doorknob.

"what do you think of him?"

now, be careful.

She is your wife's daughter.

One false word, she could

blow up just like her mother.

Even worse -- she's younger.

She's got more energy.

You know the guy's a deadbeat.

Even your dog doesn't like him.

You can't tell her that.

All right, so, you have to lie,

big time.

You say he's a fine young man.

Say he's outstanding.

Respectable.

Really nice.

Say you want to spend

time with him.

Say you want

to take him fishing.

Or... Or... Or...

Say you want to take him

to lodge meetings!

She'll drop him in a flash.

She can't stand the thought

of telling people

that she's dating

a friend of her father's.

(audience laughing)

(applause and cheering)

♪ oh, there's something

about a camp-fire ♪

♪ that makes us all

feel warm ♪

♪ not just on the outside ♪

♪ but in many

of our internal organs ♪

♪ it helps

true friendships form ♪

♪ oh, there's something

about a camp-fire ♪

♪ the smoke, the smell

are sublime ♪

♪ and it's really, really

manly to burn up a forest ♪

♪ one log at a time ♪

(coughing)

thought I'd use

"handyman corner"

to do a little farming for

all of you who see the sense

in growing your own beer nuts.

The most important part

is picking the ground.

Don't plant

where people park cars,

especially if they've got

leaky gaskets.

Don't plant 'em

near a fire hydrant.

That really affects

the taste of the nuts.

They taste like pistachios.

The deal with nuts is that

the nuts are the seeds

of the nut plants,

so to seed the nut plants,

you gotta plant the nut seeds,

and, of course, vice versa.

First thing you want to do is

dig a hole three inches deep.

Just round that out--

all right, that's fine.

You may need a shovel

to give yourself the leverage.

No shame in that.

Boy, this is tough stuff, here.

(gasping and grunting)

(sniffing)

all right, at this point,

a lot of people would pick

another piece of ground.

But a lot of people

aren't me...

Not that that bothers them.

I figure I'm a man

and this is dirt.

Dirt does not tell me

where to go.

Everybody else does that.

If I've got the plan

to put my seeds here,

it's up to the spot here

to adapt to my plan.

(grunting)

(drill squeaking)

oh!

When the pioneers settled

this great country,

they had to overcome obstacles,

obstacles like famine,

drought, hard ground,

expensive beer nuts.

Did that bother them? No, sir.

They tried to reason

with the problem,

tried to solve it

in a peaceful way,

but eventually,

when push came to shove,

they'd take their beer nut

and they'd shove it

into their customized

b.B/beer nut planter.

Just load 'er in there...

Fire 'er up...

And let nature take its course.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Hey, maybe the people next door

would like to have

a beer nut tree of their own.

That would be neighbourly.

Hey!

Sorry!

Must be vegetarians.

We got some pictures

to show you in "male call".

Our first attempt

at growing our food

was not a complete success.

Had all the equipment.

Had the engines waling away.

Had a road salter there

to spread out the beer nuts.

Winston had hooked up

his septic tank to a zamboni.

That was gonna give us

the fertilizer.

Had a street cleaner

for irrigating the field

but the pressure was so strong,

it washed the whole field away,

right down to the bare asphalt.

You can get topsoil at gracie's

garden centre and video store.

Sure you can,

but it's $30 a bushel.

Beer nuts are only

$25 a bushel.

This is not "economically

viable", all right?

You're gonna

need topsoil.

Maybe if everybody wiped their

boots, you'd get enough.

No, harold, after dark,

we're gonna go to the golf club

with a snow-plough

and a dump-truck.

We're gonna peel back

about five acres

on one of them par fives,

take out a few tons of dirt

and just lay 'er

back down again.

(audience laughing)

I've heard of replacing

your divot--

uncle red, you can't do that.

No harm, there, harold.

It will still be a par five,

just a foot lower.

Nobody will even notice once we

hammer the cup into the green.

You could always make

your own topsoil.

Yeah, it's real easy.

Just get a composter.

You take fruit

and vegetable scraps

and some worms

and bippety-boppety-boop,

you got grade "a" loam.

And it's free.

Free, harold?

Free.

Free?

Free -- "economically viable".

(laughing)

(audience laughing)

too often, a person

forgets about safety,

and far too often,

that person is buzz sherwood.

Yo, red guy!

Harold, I owe you a nuggie.

Come here, harold.

Oh, come on, harold.

Man, a little dab'll do ya.

So, buzz, what is

the safety theme today?

I'm going for a long-distance

endurance flight,

so safety is critical.

Kind of a long-distance

record.

I hold the provincial record

for the biggest

mid-air explosion,

and most flames

in take-off and landing.

You're the only pilot

to ever land on one pontoon.

When did I do that?

Last year, you brought 'er down

in the sewer.

Yeah, but this stunt,

I'm doing on purpose.

Oh! You certainly got

enough stuff out here.

I got everything, man.

I got the lifejackets --

safety first.

Absolutely.

I got extra fuel,

and check this out.

Have you seen these?

They're called "maps".

You look at it and

it's like a little picture

of where you can go.

Names on it

and everything -- cool!

All right, so where

are you going on this flight?

Weather permitting --

you know, safety first --

I'll be up at the crack of noon

and I'm going due east--

no, east is over this way.

Sorry, ok, right.

I'm going due east

to port asbestos--

no, port asbestos, now,

that would be down this way.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Far out! I'm flying in the

direction of port asbestos.

Ok, and then what?

I'm gonna fly to port asbestos

and land, non-stop.

That's only about 20 miles.

That's not gonna be

a long-distance record.

Oh, no, I'm not going

for a world record.

This is, uh...

I'm sort of going

for a personal best here.

(laughing)

oh! Oh! Oh...

(coughing)

this is edgar montrose,

reminding you

that using

just a little extra fuse wire

is worth the expense.

Give me another 30 yards!

It's "male call"!

(applause and cheering)

our letter today comes from fred

from fenelon falls

and he sent us

some photos, harold.

Why don't you read the letter?

Okey-dokey, it goes

as follows... Um...

"these are pictures

from our fishing trip.

"the first one shows

the six of us

"in our fishing outfits,

making silly faces.

"next is our favourite

fishing spot, six stone ridge.

"the third photo

shows our lunch,

"a half-dozen

open-faced sandwiches,

"and finally, two big trout

and four bass."

these are not the clearest

pictures I've seen, harold.

I think that's

the family of six.

No, I think those are

the six fish, there.

(audience laughing)

what's all that green stuff?

That's... That's moss.

That's the six stones.

That could be the lettuce

on the sandwiches.

Aren't those eyes?

Those are fish-eyes, I think.

No, those are pimentos.

Oh, yeah.

Those are the-- those are the--

oh, no, no, no, no.

Those are the fish.

There's the fish

over here.

Look, two trout,

four bass.

Oh... Why are the trout

wearing running shoes?

All right, well,

thanks for writing, fred.

It looks like you had

a great time on your holiday.

Either that's a dill pickle

or mom needs a nose job.

Ranger gord,

there's a lot more to your job

than just watching

for forest fires.

Gosh, yes, red, infinitely.

If I only had to wait

for fires,

I'd have gone nuts by now.

I also keep track

of the weather.

It's time to take

today's weather report.

If you like, you can watch.

That would be great.

I don't mind.

(clearing throat)

sunny...

Well...

No.

No way -- partly cloudy.

I'd say so, yeah.

And...

... Warm.

Ok, there it is.

You call that in

to the weather office?

No, I just keep them.

I've got 16 years

of weather reports in my tower,

all ready to go.

Ready to go for what?

Whatever.

Oh.

Whatever!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Another important part

of the forest ranger's job

is wildlife management.

It's my job to watch

the species

and to make sure

that any one species

doesn't become too numerous.

If they do,

I have to thin them out.

By killing them, gord?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's necessary

to maintain nature's balance.

I'm very careful, though.

I only try to take out

the elderly or the weak

or the very lonely.

Um, for instance, here.

Let's have a look

at these ants.

You notice

there's way too many of them.

You see that?

So they have to be thinned out.

Here we go.

(yelling)

die! Die! Die! Die!

(yelling)

oh, he-e-e-ere's johnny!

Oh, you think so, huh?

Ahhh!

See that big one there?

(yelling)

die! Die! Die!

(yelling)

like I said, it keeps me sane.

Well, I don't think

you're doing it enough, then.

Ok.

(yelling)

(humming)

the possum lodge composter

has been officially opened.

We're accepting anything

from anyone who wants

to dump something.

We've had scraps of broccoli

and turnip,

but so far, it's mostly tires.

Uncle red, you can't make

topsoil out of tires.

You need plant material.

It's a chemical reaction.

If you have chemicals,

you'll have reactions.

It's sitting there now.

Stinky's gonna bring some

paint cans and some kielbasa.

That should get 'er going.

Life's so simple when you don't

know what you're talking about.

(red): Meanwhile, back at

the chipper and shredder,

we're still trying

to have an adventure.

We used to rent these things,

these units.

They're pretty--

... Pretty expensive.

Well, that will be fine.

It will be covered.

Just get-- ow! Ow!

By golly.

Anyway-- no, bill,

get the hand out.

Get the hand out --

there we go.

Yeah, get the hand--

these units are gas-powered,

with a four-cycle.

You don't need a lot of power.

They really throw

the chips, though.

I would suggest that you...

That you empty the unit,

um, before starting.

You put the branches in,

and look at that thing.

Isn't that beautiful?

Just shred everything up.

They're a good unit.

Those are rocks or stones.

You're gonna-- bill!

Those are gonna fire

out of there!

Oh, my gosh!

Look out! Look out!

I put the van

behind the barn.

What do you got?

No, take it off

the pitchfork, bill.

Take it off the pitchfork.

No, I don't mean that way.

No, bill, that's--

metal fork-- metal--

hang on, hang on, hang on!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Oh, boy!

Ohhhh, man!

All right, bill,

don't ever do--

bill, you're--

come on out of there.

Stop playing in--

don't play in there.

Get out of there.

Out you come, out you come.

One good yank and--

oh! Shoe's come off!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Ohhhh!

You all right, bill?

(groaning)

well, he's shredded,

but he looks pretty chipper.

(laughing)

oh, man.

Stay tuned for an important

lesson on paint fumes.

Whoo!

Ho! Hey! Ow! Hello!

What is that smell?

Whoa

(laughing)

it's great, isn't it?

The old composter's

really starting to hum.

Oh! Argh!

The truck batteries

kind of gave it a jump-start.

I heard an explosion.

How do you make compost

explode?

I never heard

of that before.

We are the men

of possum lodge, harold.

We're cutting-edge.

(audience laughing)

cutting corners

is more like it!

I saw buster

throwing

a mattress on there.

Composters don't like

mattresses.

Well, he seemed to enjoy it.

"he"?

It's one of the guys now?

Yeah, yeah.

We gave it a name.

We call it ian the composter.

We put the mattress on, and

ian sniffed at it and then...

Remember what happened

to the map of the ponderosa

at the beginning of "bonanza"?

Yeah, little brown spot.

It goes up in flames

and the whole map's in smoke.

Yeah, that's what happened

to the mattress.

Instead of flames,

it was green goo.

That's when the really bad

smell started.

Even stinky peterson

is complaining.

Wouldn't be so bad

if we were upwind.

We are.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

(audience laughing)

we're all set to play

our possum lodge word game

with animal control officer

garth harble.

Just get the word from harold

and show it to the people

at home.

Ahhh...

Say this in 30 seconds or less,

you'll win our grand prize --

a year's supply of laxatives

and a used tuba.

Oh, ok.

You ready to go?

Ok.

Uh... Guidance.

Guidance, guidance, guidance...

Guidance counsellor.

Useless, useless.

No, that squirrel

mauled your arm.

It was out of...

... Its gourd.

No, no -- probably,

but what it lacked was...

Vitamin "c", I would say.

People wear a girdle

because it gives them...

... A rash.

What?

Uh, I've been told.

Almost out of time.

What do you do to animals?

Clean 'em, groom 'em,

curse 'em!

What it says on your truck.

Uh, isuzu!

No, your job name!

Uh, area representative!

What do mean people do

to animals?

Turn 'em into chicken fingers!

Really?

Yeah, apparently.

Ok, what your boss does to you.

Ohhhh! Control!

That's the one!

Boy, that was great.

All right, the important thing

when using solvents is, uh...

Can't remember right now.

(laughing)

oh, that's pretty, isn't it?

Oh, hello!

Uh, yeah, I think it's, um...

Uh, there's something.

Boy, that was a great album.

Ohhh... Ohhhhh...

No, no, I remember --

ventilation.

It's 3:00 in the morning.

She's rolling out of bed

to answer the call o' nature.

She's lived with you

for 15 years

so there's no need

to turn the light on.

And then you hear

that crash and splash

and that shriek.

(audience laughing)

she told you

to leave the seat down.

(audience laughing)

you promised her

you'd leave the seat down.

Guess what.

Seat wasn't down.

Seat wasn't down.

Now she's got a cold porcelain

ring around a warm part of her,

her knees are up to her chin,

and she's stuck.

(audience laughing)

she's the one

sporting a bull's-eye

but you're the one in trouble.

Major deep, so what do you do?

Can't help you there,

little buddy.

You're on your own.

(audience laughing)

(applause)

well, I'll tell ya.

Life is still the same mystery

it's always been.

Well, no,

uncle red,

I'm sorry I was doubting

you guys.

I do not smell

ian the composter,

so you were absolutely right

in what you were doing.

Don't be so sure, harold.

I was wrong -- I'm sorry.

I don't smell ian

so you were right in putting in

those motor windings

and antifreeze and socks.

I was wrong.

The reason you don't smell ian

is because he's gone, harold.

What?

Gone? How's he gone?

He left under his own power

in the night.

He got up,

and you can see the path.

The grass is dead and there's

acid burns in the tree bark.

Uncle red,

what have you created?

That monstrosity's heading

right for town!

Harold, he'll have to cross

mercury creek.

(laughing)

if that doesn't finish him,

the punks

at the video arcade will.

Oh, yeah!

Look at this --

you did all that work, but yet,

♪ you still do not get

your free beer nuts ♪

wrong again,

mr. Overbite.

Somebody

brought over

a 50-gallon drum

of old peanut butter.

We fished that out of the pile.

We'll roll it into balls,

dry it, salt it,

and gobble them down.

Well, isn't that nice?

You'll become

your own little composter.

(possum squeal)

meeting time.

Grab some peanut butter

and start rolling.

Clean your fingernails first.

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming home

after the meeting.

This is a good night

to invite your parents over.

I've seen so many chemical

reactions today,

it would be nice to be

with something inert.

The rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(cheering and whistling)

(possum squeal)

(harold): Ok, stand up.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

The travelling dentist

is coming through town again.

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Boy, this is too much!