New Job In Town/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Have you ever noticed how many

boat trailers are left at the

side of the road,

because these little baby

wheels either had a flat

or fell off?

I mean, they're lousy

tires to begin with,

and they're so small

that at a 100 clicks,

they're spinning

faster than --

something that

spins really fast.

Only a dufus would carry

around a spare for a

trailer tire.

Where would you stick the

jack on one of these

babies, anyway?

No, sir.

I got a better idea.

I mounted a few of these

high-speed fans on the

side of the trailer,

kind of turned it

into a hovercraft.

Once these things get going,

unit doesn't even

touch the ground.

How can you have a flat

when you don't even

have a tire?

Makes it a lot easier for

backing down boat ramps too.

Now, the fans all run off the

juice from the alternator,

so as soon as I start the

engine I'm in business.

[ motor revving ]

[ fans whirring ]

[ applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you.

Yeah. All right.

Appreciate that.

Big, big week up

at the lodge.

Possum lake city council

has finally decided

to start promoting the area,

and they're looking to

hire someone

as a full-time p.R. Person.

Sounds like pretty

easy money to me.

I mean, the possum lake area

pretty much sells itself,

usually short.

And there's something else

that I can tell you.

They've budgeted 50,000 bucks

a year to pay whoever

gets the job.

Not everybody knows that,

but I'm pretty tight

with the mayor.

Actually, most of the time,

the mayor's pretty tight

all on his own,

to be honest with you.

Hey, red, are you still

planning on applying

for the new public

relations job, huh?

Well, I'm thinking

about it, dalton, yeah.

60,000 bucks

a year, ho, ho.

No, no,

that's not right.

It's 50,000.

Well, that's

incorrect, mr. Green.

You see, the mayor's

planning on keeping

10,000 for himself,

so he leaked the wrong

number to a few idiots.

[ laughter ]

so if you go out for

this job, mr. Green,

you have to propose something

for the area that you

will promote.

Oh, yeah,

I know.

I'm all over that, yeah.

I'm suggesting that

they declare possum lake

mosquito capital

of the world.

Every spring we have a

mosquito festival.

You know,

make it a charity thing,

raise money for

the blood bank.

So we're all in it.

We all get sponsors

and you sit in the

bush in your underwear,

and you get

a buck a bite.

What do you think?

You don't wanna

know what I think.

Well, we actually -- we

can't be objective, mr. Green,

because we're both candidates

for that job too.

What?

You guys don't have any ideas.

We got no

ideas for free,

we got plenty of

ideas for money.

Yeah, 60,000 of 'em.

Yeah, and apparently the

applicants will be processed

in the order in which

they are submitted,

so if you'll excuse me --

[ buzzing sound ]

dalton:

No. No. No.

Just a minute

there, guys.

Guys,

out of the way.

[ buzzing sound ]

it's a remote lock.

[ buzzing sound ]

oh, come on!

[ laughter and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheering and applause ]

today's winner will receive

a free styling set

from possum lake's

only hairdressing salon

exclusively for seniors,

hairyatrics.

Okay, mr. Green --

uh, cover your things.

Okay, mr. Green,

you've got 30 seconds

to get winston

to say this word...

Yeah, all right, mike.

All right.

And go!

Okay, winston,

if you didn't have this

you'd be nothing.

A sewage truck.

No, okay, no.

This is not

something you own;

this is a thing inside you

that's made you successful.

Oh, a poor

sense of smell.

[ laughter ]

okay, say you're

watching television,

you see someone like donald

trump and you think,

boy, he must

have a lot of...

Hairspray.

Remember when you

were in high school,

the guidance

counselor would say,

what's your...

Excuse.

This is like a dream.

You gotta have a dream,

and you got have something

to make the dream come true.

Happy talk!

♪ happy talk,

keep talking ♪

mike, mike, mike.

Happy tal --

I was in "south pacific"

in prison.

I've still got

the coconut bra.

[ laughter ]

can we please get back

to the game?

Okay, sorry.

You're almost out

of time, mr. Green.

Gee, I wonder why

there, bojangles!

Okay, winston, how come you're

the only sewage sucker

in the whole

tri-county area?

'cause nobody around

here has any ambition.

There you go!

[ applause and cheering ]

I know my competitors

and what they're about.

They charge too much money,

of that there's no doubt.

So if you want a fair price

give rothschild's a shout.

Don't get sucked in

when you get pumped out.

A lot of good things

about having a dog...

They make a great companion;

they'll protect you;

and they make the

mailman think twice

about delivering those bills.

The problem is what do you

do when the dog gets dirty?

No one enjoys

bathing their dog.

You get soaked.

You get scratched.

The dog doesn't

get all that clean.

I suppose you

could get right inside

the bathtub with the dog,

but that's how you end up

on the front page of the

"national enquirer".

Now, I'm thinking, why not

take the technology of an

automatic car wash

and make yourself an

automatic dog wash?

All you need is the standard

lawn and garden stuff

that everybody has

around the house,

and, of course, a couple

of dog houses

so you've got room

to mount all the gear.

Now, I'm going to cut

these dog houses in half

so I can get inside

to work on them.

I suppose I could

just crawl right inside

the darned things,

but after 35 years

of marriage,

I've been in there enough.

I thought I'd show you how

the whole thing works

before I put the two

halves back together here.

Okay, first of all, I've got

my garden hose coming in.

It goes into one of these

"t" connectors here.

Now, on the first leg

of the "t" connector

I'm going out into one of

these outdoor window

washer bottles;

you know, the kind that

hooks onto your hose?

'course, now, I dumped the

window washer fluid

out of there

and replaced that

with dog shampoo.

The dog actually turns

the soap on himself

with this string

I got tied to the trigger

on the machine,

and then the other end,

I got a dog biscuit

hanging there.

I tell you, by the time

he finishes chewing

on that baby,

he'll have worked

himself into a lather.

Now, on the other side

of my "t" connector,

that goes down into the lawn

sprinkler you see there,

and that'll rinse all

the soap off the dog,

plus give him a great under

wash for those hard-to-

get-at places.

Then he just moves

on down the line,

until his head comes up

against the blade of

this hockey stick,

and that turns on my

leaf blower dog dryer.

[ blower whirring ]

okay, let's just get

the pieces back together,

and we're in business.

Okay, I've got the dog wash

blocking the only exit

from the yard.

Now I just need to entice the

dog to come out through it.

Actually, there are only

two things that will

motivate a dog,

and since this

isn't mating season,

I'm going with food.

That's all you need, though,

to make your own dog wash.

So remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

[ water spraying,

dog whining ]

[ dog barking, water spraying,

gears whirring ]

[ applause ]

I wanna talk to you

middle-aged guys with

garages out there.

You know, my wife says

our garage is a mess,

but I don't

agree with her.

Sure, I got some unfinished

projects in there,

parking meter with a dent

in it the same colour

as my truck;

charred pistons from a

four-cycle engine

that turned out to be

a two-cycle engine;

replacement tubes from

that guitar amp

that was repo'd during my solo

at the high school dance.

But that stuff is

completely out of sight --

or at least it would be if

I could get the garage

door to close.

But garage clutter is

not a bad thing.

If you're in the

middle of a mess,

you're in the

middle of history.

Oh, yeah, it's the story of

everything that's happened

in that garage

since the words,

"I'll get to it later"

were first spoken.

And clutter is by far the

easiest organizational

system to learn.

Why, with a clean garage,

you've gotta remember

which cupboard

the tools are in.

With a messy garage they're

right where you can see 'em,

lying there rusting in

the middle of the floor.

And it's amazing

what you can create

just by leaving

stuff lying around.

You take that guy

that invented chia pets.

[ laughter ]

I figure it was a bunch of

broken lawn gnomes

lying there beside

some spilled grass seed

under a leaky roof.

I bet you there's a bunch of

million-dollar projects

right in my garage.

All I gotta do is

sort through the clutter.

I'll get to it later.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

when your back lawn's as

high as an elephant's eye,

when starlings and sparrows

fall from the sky,

it's time to give

rothschild's sewage a try.

We'll dive in your tank

and suck her dry.

Well, didn't get the job,

which is fine.

I don't mind

not getting the job.

But I think

they gave it to mike.

Ah, come on.

I mean, mike's a good

guy and everything,

but the man is a known thief.

Why would you give

a $60,000-a-year job

to a guy who's got

no experience,

no education and no --

I have exactly the same

qualifications,

and I'm older.

I didn't get the

job either, mr. Green.

Oh, mike, I'm

sorry to hear that.

I was really

rooting for you.

[ laughter ]

yeah, I guess dalton

must've got the job.

What a scam, eh?

I mean, he's a

good guy and everything,

but you couldn't

hire a worse person!

Yeah, there's a waste

of money right there.

Dalton is not the

guy for that job.

Dalton's an idiot.

Super guy.

Great guy.

Good guy, though.

Well, count me out.

I didn't get it.

Oh, what a shame.

We were really

hoping for you.

Thank you

very much, guys.

Yeah, they wouldn't even

tell me who did get it.

Do you know what I think?

I think the mayor gave

the job to his own wife.

Oh, no, she's already the

regional chairperson.

That's how the

mayor got his job.

[ knock at door ]

I'll get it.

Well, it sounds to me like

somebody's been paid off.

Nah, they wouldn't

take a bribe...

I wouldn't think!

Gentleman,

I'm pleased to present

the newly appointed

director of public relations

for the county

of possum lake.

[ cheering and applause ]

red:

Walter wanted to put a

garden in behind the lodge,

so he got one of the

rototillers there.

Apparently that's cheaper

than buying vegetables.

And the problem was every

time he put 'er into gear

she would stall out

on him there,

so he'd just get 'er going,

he'd put 'er into gear

and she'd stall.

So he got a good idea.

He figured he needs some way

to keep 'er in gear

all the time.

So, uh, he installed the

handyman's secret clutch,

and he's in --

he's just gotta fire it up.

Fire it up, walter.

Let 'er rip.

Let 'er go.

Apparently that's the manual

rototiller technique.

So he opens up the --

and apparently he's

out of --

yeah, he's out of --

not a drop in there.

So he goes to the shed

where we keep the gas can.

You notice I say gas can

and not gas,

because it's empty as well.

There's other -- there's

always a liquid

of some kind,

and most of then

are flammable.

There's a can with

something in it.

Kind of a potluck approach to

internal combustion engines

we use at the lodge,

plus he's not putting

that much in.

How much damage can

he possibly --

I'm pretty sure that's --

whatever that is

I'm pretty sure, uh --

I'm pretty sure that

would burn.

Oh, yeah,

that's flammable.

Now, he's probably tripled

the horse power of the

unit right now,

which he finds out --

so it apparently takes off.

Now, I was just getting

a shovel out of the van,

and I'm not paying too much

attention to what

was going on.

Hello, walter.

And dalton was

putting out --

he loves these little

lawn ornaments.

He's been collecting

these for years,

but, uh, walter had the

theory that if you

broke them down,

you could actually

use them as seeds.

That didn't work

out so good.

Then I was just

putting the shovel away,

and walter decided to

put in a roof garden.

He was up there hacking

away at the shingles,

and, uh, this is not

gonna work out at all,

so I'm gonna -- the best

advice I could give him was,

come on down, walter.

Here we go.

But, by golly, the unit,

she's a good one.

She kept running,

and he wasn't heading

out towards the highway,

so I wasn't too worried.

Then I got this idea,

if we put a ramp up against

the possum van there,

we could steer

him in that way.

He's just going

to go right up,

and then that'll be

kind of a holding --

you gotta let go, walter.

You gotta let go

of the unit.

Take your hands --

let 'er go.

Let 'er go.

Let 'er go, walter.

Oh, okay -- very good.

Uh,the only problem was

the unit didn't actually

stop running.

She's chewing up the seats

in there, turning around,

which we didn't notice,

and before you know it she

starts coming back down

the ramp towards us,

but you know,

as luck would have it,

she ran outta gas,

and so did dalton.

[ applause ]

this is the repair shop

part of the show we call,

if it ain't broke,

you're not trying.

Joining me today is local

marine owner and hammock

enthusiast,

dwight cardiff.

So tell me, dwight,

how are things at the

marina these days?

Oh, been better, red.

We lost part of the

fleet over the weekend.

You're kidding me!

The boats sank?

No. They just kind

of floated away.

Well, you know, dwight,

you're supposed to tie

'em up to the dock.

I'm not big on

bending.

You got

a bad back?

I have no idea.

All right, well, what did you

bring us here today?

Garburetor.

She's jammed.

Well, you didn't have to bring

the whole sink in here,

you know, dwight.

You can actually just take the

garburetor off the bottom.

How would

I do that?

Well, you open the cupboard

doors under the sink,

and then you bend dow --

okay, yeah.

Well, got a pair of

needle nosed pliers here.

See if I can figure

out what's jamming her.

You know, I think I've got a

pair of those at the shop

at the marina.

I'm not sure.

I don't go in there very much.

There we go, huh?

There's your typical

garburetor jam right there.

It's the tab off

a pop can.

See that?

Boy, those pop cans are just

too much work, aren't they?

Actually, the whole can

is in there, dwight.

I know what caused

that, red.

Gravity.

I think the marina's

a gravity hot spot.

Some days I can barely

get out of my chair.

That would be a

milk carton, dwight.

What's going on here?

What are you

trying to say, red?

You think I'm shoving all my

stuff and all my garbage

down the garburetor?

I think you're stuffing --

yes!

You're not

getting this back.

I'm confiscating

the garburetor.

From now on you put your

garbage out on garbage day

like everybody else.

Have you seen the

length of my driveway?

I don't care, dwight.

You're not getting the

garburetor back,

and that is final.

Fine. Fine.

On a completely

unrelated subject,

do you know how to

build a catapult?

Does it bother you when

your wife starts looking

at pictures of fancy

mansions in magazines,

then she looks at

your house,

then she looks at you?

Wouldn't it be great if you

could impress people

with your house?

Now, I don't mean friends

and neighbours.

I'm talking about strangers

that live far, far away.

You have zero chance of

impressing anybody who

actually knows you.

They say a picture says

a thousand words.

Well, how about a picture

that tells a thousand lies?

Find yourself a shot of one

of those fancy mansions

in the magazines.

Take a knife and cut out

where the front door

is on the unit.

Just like that.

Oh, look, I'm home.

Then what you do is find

somebody who can take

a picture for you,

and get them to line that

mansion up just right.

What you'll get is a picture

of you at your front door

that you can proudly send

to relatives overseas,

as long as you're positive

they'll never come

and visit you.

[ laughter and applause ]

are you all right,

uncle red?

Well, harold, it's a

lot for me to take in.

It's a lot

for me to put out.

Why are you here,

harold?

I mean, what happened to

your life, your job

in the city?

I quit that job!

That was a good

job, harold.

It's gonna be hard

to get another job.

I have another job.

Yeah, but you might not

have gotten it, harold.

I applied for

that job, you know?

Yeah, you all

applied for that job.

That really helped.

Thanks.

Yeah, all right, I suppose if

they were lookin' to hire

somebody like you

they're not gonna

hire somebody like me.

Oh, well,

that's exactly right.

That's exactly right.

That's exactly right.

You know, because they were

looking for someone

young and dynamic

with a college degree and

who is computer literate

and has some experience in

related fields, so --

that's what

I'm saying, harold.

Whereas, if they were looking

for someone middle aged,

opinionated and unemployed,

but very good with

a chain saw --

all right, harold.

That's enough!

They understand.

They get it.

Okay, great.

To be back.

I'm very happy

I'm very excited about the

new job and everything.

What?

You know what?

Truth be told,

I missed, uh --

[ no audio ]

I missed, you know,

everybody.

Well, did you --

did you miss me, harold?

Shootin' at you.

I wasn't even

did you miss me?

[ laughter ]

yeah, I did.

I missed you.

Yeah!

Yeah?

Well, I missed

you too, harold.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

[ applause ]

I think I'm

gonna cry.

You know,

I didn't miss that.

You know what

the best part is?

We get to work

together again.

How do you

figure that?

Well,

that's my proposal.

I'm gonna make my job the

promoting and marketing

of possum lodge.

And we got a lotta

work to do!

Yeah.

Wow, harold!

You think possum lodge

is good enough to

attract visitors?

We got a lotta

work to do!

[ possum squealing ]

we still haven't

got that fixed, huh?

It's the meeting

call, harold!

Yeah.

[ applause ]

well, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting.

I did not get

the big $60,000 job,

but harold did,

which is close enough,

because I figure

in the next two weeks

somebody's bound

to kill him.

We'll get the money

sooner or later.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of

myself and harold

and the whole gang up

here at possum lodge,

keep your stick

on the ice.

[ cheering and applause ]

winston: Everybody, sit down.

Sit down.

Dalton: Everybody have a seat.

Winston: Come on, guys.

Come to order.

Dalton: All rise!

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

All right, men, bow your

heads for the men's prayer.

All:

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to,

I guess.

All right, men,

as you can see,

harold is here

with us now,

and he's gonna be hanging

around the lodge a fair bit

because of his

new job and everything.

And I want you each to give

him your full cooperation.

And I'd like to propose

that we welcome harold back

with a big round

of applause.

[ one person clapping ]

now --

now, okay, guys,

now, he went away,

and he did fine,

and I think it's only right

that we welcome him back.

[ feeble clapping ]

okay, um, for those of

you who don't know this,

harold is making

$60,000 a year.

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