Do As I Do/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

I know they call

it a pasta maker

but at the spaghetti setting

it makes a dandy

paper shredder.

This is handy for stuff

you don't want other

people to read.

Like say that speeding ticket

your wife was unaware of.

The possum van still got it.

But wait, there's more.

Take an ordinary pair

of plain, boring pants.

Adjust the rollers from

spaghetti to rigatoni,

that way the blades don't

cut all the way through

so you can

turn these babies

into stylish corduroy pants.

But wait, there's more.

Every woman loves curly hair

except for women

who have curly hair.

So here's what you do,

dial from rigatoni

to fusilli

and crank yourself

out a curly hairdo.

For women who

like to get kinky.

But here's the best part,

if you get ambitious

or just hungry,

you can actually use the

machine to make lasagna.

[ machine cranking ]

waiter, there's a fly

in my lasagna.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much.

Thank you.

No, no, no.

No, no, thank you.

All right.

I appreciate it.

I appreciate it.

Boy, I really do.

This is a huge day

up here at the lodge.

This show that

you're watching,

at least until you

can find the remote --

this show is our

300th episode.

How about that?

[ cheering ]

you told them

the big news, huh?

What?

You told them

the big news?

Yup, I just did.

I'm a little bit

nervous, actually.

I can't believe

I'm nervous.

You shouldn't

be, harold.

I mean you've done

this 299 times before.

No, no, I'm referring

to the fact

that this is

my wedding day.

I haven't done that

before at all.

No, no, not any part

of it, actually.

You know what, your wedding

will be fine, harold.

I was just saying this

is our 300th episode.

Yeah, yeah, that's

cool, 300, yeah.

You know, in 10-pin bowling,

300 is a perfect game.

You know, if this was

a bowling show --

if this was

a bowling show --

if this was

a bowling show,

you'd be like

the head pin.

Well that would make you

the pin head, I'm thinking.

You know, that's

not a very nice way

to talk to the groom.

Oh well.

You know -- I thought,

especially since

I was going to ask you

to be my best man.

Oh geez, harold.

What does the

best man do?

Does he pay

for anything?

No, no, no.

All you have to

do is show up.

Well that sounds

like a fit.

Where is the

wedding, anyway?

It's at bonnie's church?

The church of the

wholly unnecessary.

It's in the basement

of the welding shop.

Well, you know, suddenly

I have a good feeling

about this wedding, harold.

You know, you get married

in a welding shop

you two will be

together forever.

[ cheers and applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

yeah!

Okay, today's prize

is this coupon

for a large canister

or pure oxygen

from possum lake's

only oxygen bar,

to air is human.

Oxygen, your grandparents

talked about it,

now experience it firsthand.

Okay, cover your

orifices, dalton.

Okay, mr. Green,

you've got 30 seconds

to get dalton humphries

to say this word:

All right, mike.

And go!

Okay, dalton, what do you

call it when it's over?

Marriage.

No, no, no.

I'm talking about you're

at a symphony concert.

What do you

call the ending?

Time to wake up.

Okay, every year

at the end

of the possum lake

fireworks display,

there's a huge...

Insurance claim.

Okay, okay, dalton.

Think big and finish.

Eric the red?

No, okay, no, no.

This is not a person.

Okay, dalton, do you

know what a climax is?

I used to.

We're almost out of

time, mr. Green.

Okay, okay, dalton.

When people see the last

episode of this show,

what will they say?

Oh, finally!

Close enough.

[ bell ringing ]

you know, the creation of

the perpetual motion machine

has been the most

baffling mystery

the world's great scientists

have ever faced.

But then they don't have

to fill out their own taxes.

You look at the famous

authors in these physics books:

Galileo, isaac newton,

dionne warwick...

Oh no, sorry, that's

a psychics book.

And why has their never been

a perpetual motion machine?

Because the great scientists

said it couldn't be done.

But then they also said

a school bus can't be made

amphibious and

flight-worthy.

Okay, that was

a lucky guess.

But this time, I'm going

to prove them wrong.

See, I'm not prejudiced

by previous, so called,

knowledge.

I don't have

a college degree.

I don't even have

a high school diploma.

Heck, if you only add up

the times I was listening,

I may not have any

education at all.

But I got a good imagination

and I know how things work

and I have a wife

who doesn't mind

if I'm out in the

backyard all day.

So all you need is stuff you

probably have lying around.

A gas lawn mower, a downspout,

a car alternator,

45-gallon drum, ceiling fan,

chunk of garden hose

and some corn stalks.

Now you're probably

saying, geez red,

you're using everything

but the kitchen sink.

Well you're wrong.

Okay, I've always

thought I was smart

but this is a whole

different thing.

I'll try to go slow enough

for you to follow it.

I'm pretty excited here.

I replace the blade

of the lawn mower

with a pulley

and I've strung

this drivebelt

over to the pulley

on the alternator.

So when the lawn mower

starts up,

the alternator will generate

enough electricity

to run both the ceiling fan

and the garbage disposal.

Now the ceiling fan

is mounted like this

so when the corn gets as

high as an elephant's eye,

the fan'll poke it's eye

out by lopping off an ear.

Which will make it

fly through the air

and land in the

kitchen sink.

That'll kick on the

garbage disposal

which mulches the corn

and drops it into

our oil drum

where it decomposes and

ferments into ethanol.

Which is better

than gasoline

because it makes your

exhaust smell like popcorn.

Now, obviously, the ethanol

gets siphoned down through

our garden hose

back into the fuel

tank of the lawn mower

and completes

the circle of life.

Now I now most of you

are in total awe

but there's some skeptic

out there wondering,

hey, what about the

downspout, mr. Brainiac?

Well don't forget, this is

a perpetual motion machine

which means, well I

believe the word perpetual

means a long, long time.

You married folks know

what I'm talking about.

The downspout recycles

some of the corn seeds

back into the ground.

And those of you who've

watched this show

for a while

already know this...

The corn just

keeps on coming.

So, there you have it,

the perpetual motion machine,

the ultimate project.

I smell a nobel

which is way different

than smelling a no onions.

The corn just

keeps on coming.

But I can retire happy now.

So remember, if the women

don't find you stunningly

handsome...

They should at least find

you geographically handy.

[ engine failing to start ]

[ applause ]

you know, my wife

says I'm a person

who has a hard time

saying goodbye.

But that depends...

I know people, as soon

as they walk up to me,

I'm itching to say goodbye.

And I don't mean

au revoir, I mean adios.

But the truth is,

when people are friends,

they never really

say goodbye,

they stay in each

other's minds

and every time they

think about them,

they're together again.

I used to think that

every good memory

knocked a hair

out of your head.

So when you see

an old bald guy,

you know he's had

a pretty good life.

I guess the main point

I'm trying to make here

is that the

pattern of life

is such that nothing

lasts forever.

You're not supposed to get

pregnant when you're 72

and nobody over 40 should

ever take their shirt off.

So as we go through life,

it's important that we move

from one phase to the next

and we have to say

goodbye to the one

so that we can say

hello to the next.

You know, if I

say any more,

I'll probably burst into

that song from titanic.

Anyway, let's just leave it

that it's been a great ride

and that every time we hear

the sweet sound of a script

being torn off a

roll of duct tape,

we'll think of each other.

We might even smile.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ applause ]

I've been doing

a little research

on this 300th

episode-thing.

That makes 15 seasons for us

so I've been comparing

that to other shows,

I think we should get

a special emmy or something.

I mean, the other shows,

they ran almost as long

but they were good.

I mean, we're useless

and we're still here.

We're like senators.

Uncle red?

Yeah?

Everything's gone wrong.

My life is ended!

Wow, look at the time,

I've got to go.

Oh, no!

No, you get back here

and you help me

deal with this.

Are you talking

to me like that?

Yes, I am!

I got a little

bit of a problem.

Yes, you do, harold.

The church burned down.

The welding shop was

doing a muffler job

and a huge fire started.

That was brazen.

Even if I got that,

that wouldn't be funny.

We don't have a

place to get married.

Well get married

here at the lodge.

This has got

to be as nice

as the basement

of a welding shop.

I suppose if we

clean it up a little.

Harold, all you need

to have a wedding

is a minister,

a man and a woman.

In fact, you don't even

need the woman any more.

That's another thing, too.

The minister begged off.

With the fire at the church,

he took the insurance money

and moved to tahiti.

Wow.

Imagine, imagine that,

a man of the cloth.

Well now he's a man

of the loin cloth.

So who's going

to marry you?

Well you know, I did

a little research

and with you

as a lodge leader,

you have the power

to marry people.

You can marry

bonnie and I.

I got to go from

best man to preacher?

That doesn't feel like a

promotion to me, harold.

Why would I want

to do that?

Well, it's a dream assignment

for you uncle red.

You don't have

to do anything

and you get

to be in charge.

Oh, so it's the

exact opposite

of the groom's job.

Ye --

[ applause ]

bill had asked me to join

him behind the lodge.

He said he had

something for me

and you know, it was

the rolling stones

who said, you don't

always get what you want

or something like that.

I wasn't expecting him

to also run over my foot.

I didn't quite know

what was in store for me.

A whole bunch of junk

and he started off

with a stick.

Yeah, yeah, nice to see you.

What's that, why would

I want the stick?

And he's saying,

well this is back

when we did an

adventure way back

and we were looking

for fishing rod --

make our own fishing

rod out of a twig

and he had picked one up

and didn't see that other tree

and I remembered how funny

that had been, you know

and I thought, okay.

A bread knife, I didn't

recognized that either.

Oh yeah, we were looking

for food in the woods

and he were using a butt of

the handle to crack a walnut

and wanted me to

hold the walnuts.

It ended up almost like

a safety film for others.

Again, I certainly saw

the humour in that.

That was a funny moment.

Thank you, bill,

I do recall that.

We're sharing fond

memories, obviously today.

And he's got this rig

for climbing poles

or climbing trees

or whatever with a harness

and the little spikes

that go in your feet.

And he had climbed

a tree back in --

I think the idea is he

was going to top the tree,

go up there with an

axe or a saw or whatever.

Boy, look how

young bill looks.

And he got up to

the top of the tree

and you know, he was getting

a little bit tired there.

And what he didn't notice

was that the tree

had already been

topped earlier

but that didn't matter

because bill had always

been a fan of cartoons.

Away you go, bill.

Away you go.

Well, again,

another high spot.

Very funny, very,

very, very funny.

And then this one...

Oh no, I remember this one,

it was a sumo wrestling --

remember the sumo wrestling

thing you did bill?

Yeah, yeah.

That was a... Boy.

I tell you, that was a tough

ride home on the subway.

You know...

I remember this one.

Remember the skeet

thrower, bill?

It was in the winter

and we were getting --

you were showing me how

the skeet thrower worked.

You handed me the skeet

and you told me to --

I understood it was

to go over there

and pull the string

as fast as you can.

I didn't know you meant

in a few minutes.

That was unfortunate.

Bill doesn't

ve a family.

But by golly, these

memories are flooding back.

Gosh that was enjoyable.

And now, I'm into it now.

So I'm looking for

other stuff --

I remember, oh yeah,

the metal detector.

Remember the metal

detector, bill?

You were searching for

metal in the ground

and then you swept it up

by mistake and caught

it on the van

and the noise was just --

remember how loud that was?

Did that aff --

I'm saying, did that

affect your hearing!?

No, apparently not.

Okay and what else

have we got here.

Oh yeah, the lacrosse.

Remember we did that --

we had kind of a

lacrosse-baseball mix

where bill had

the lacrosse suit on,

he pitched the

lacrosse balls to me

and I hit them

with a baseball bat

and as far as I remember,

nobody got hurt.

Oh no...

Now there's something

we can both laugh at.

[ red laughing ]

oh boy, life is good.

So bill says, okay

it's all coming back.

He's done with it.

He doesn't need any

of this stuff any more.

How come and he

starts to cry.

What's going on?

He's leaving the lodge?

What's going on?

Bill, what's going on?

And a car pulls up and a

beautiful girl gets out

and I realize that bill's

not crying, he's laughing.

Bill has made a better deal.

He's fine.

He's heading off.

This is a nurse!

This is perfect, it's

a match made in heaven.

Bill's going to spend

the rest of his life

with a nurse.

And as one parting shot,

he realizes he's still

got one of the lacrosse

balls in his pocket.

I'll take that over here.

Thank you, bill.

And bill jumps into the car

and says goodbye to everybody

and heads off on the biggest

adventure of his life.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, we're all set

for the nuptials.

Not as big a turnout

as we'd planned but --

you know, as soon

as the wedding

became part of the show,

most of the guests

decided to stay home

and watch it on t.V.

So we'll finally get

some decent ratings.

Oh boy.

You okay, harold, huh?

I think so.

I think so.

I'm okay.

[ applause ]

I'm nervous and I'm good.

You know, I'm not as bad

as I thought I'd be

because I thought I was

going to be pretty bad

but I'm okay

actually, I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm okay.

Good, okay, okay.

Before we have an embarrassing

puddle on the floor,

let's bring the

bride in here.

[ applause ]

[ humming the wedding March ]

all right,

all right, okay.

All right, we're

gathered here together

to celebrate a big occasion

in all of our lives.

Very rarely does

a television show

stay on the air

for 300 episodes.

No, uncle red, uncle red!

Okay, okay.

We're gathered here

to join this woman

and this, I don't know,

this man, I guess

in holy matrimony.

And holy mackerel.

Okay, who has the ring?

Oh, I do.

That's not the ring.

That's my ring.

Oh, oh sorry.

Is it any of these ones?

No, it's not --

that's our ring!

Winston's wearing

our ring.

Where'd you get that?

Someone sold

it to me.

Okay, well never mind.

Harold, you put that

ring on bonnie's finger

and then I want you to

recite all those vows

that you two made

and harold, try

to keep it moving.

Okay.

I'd like to

thank everyone

who helped

shape my life.

I know you

meant well.

The good news is, it

brought me to this point

where I have found

a life partner

and I look forward

to spending

the rest of my

life with her.

Ditto!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Wait a second.

If there's any one

who knows any reason

why these two should

not get married,

he should speak up now.

[ possum squealing ]

it's meeting time.

No, no, no, no.

Harold, that can wait.

All right, so, do the two

of you take each other,

we do!

We do!

We're here,

we do.

Okay, well then,

I now pronounce

you man and wife.

Harold, you may...

Kiss the bride.

[ cheers and applause ]

okay, so, if my

wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting

and after doing all of

these television shows,

I think I'm ready to go

back to live performances.

And to the rest of you --

meeting time, uncle red!

You shouldn't

be here, harold.

Bonnie thought it was

the right thing to do.

I told her, even

though we're married,

I'm still going to want

to come back to the lodge

every now and then.

Well, well, well,

you've turned

into a man.

I hope that's

a compliment.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Here's your

wedding gift.

Wow, that's a big

roll of duct tape.

It is, harold.

I figured you're going

to be married a long time.

And to the rest of you

who've been watching us

all these years,

on behalf of myself

and the married man

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down.

Sit down.

C'mon everybody.

Hurry up, guys, sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Sit down.

Bow your heads for

the revised man's prayer.

I'm a man

but I changed

because I had to

oh well.

[ applause ]

the years that followed

saw a lot of changes

to the lodge members.

Mike hammer became the

police chief of possum lake.

With mike having

a legitimate job,

the crime rate

dropped to zero.

Winston got a job investigating

government corruption.

He knew the territory.

Dalton and anne-marie took

a second chance at happiness

by renewing their vows.

Ed frid became the leader of

the local animal rights group.

Hap shaughnessy told us he'd

been appointed ambassador

to guam.

We hoped it was true.

Edgar k.B. Montrose attempted

to make his own heated recliner

using plastic explosives.

Hasn't been heard from since.

Harold and bonnie were slowly

taking over the community.

In fact, everybody

changed except me.

[ cheers and applause ]