The Receipt-A-Thon/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold: Get ready

for spine-tingling adventure

from the greatest

outdoorsman show

since "larry of the jungle,"

a show with --

with songs and films

and nudity

and offensive language,

a show even young people

will like.

And here he is, the star

of our show, and my uncle,

through some bizarre case

of mistaken identity,

which happened to lead

to a hasty wedding,

but that's a long story.

Here he is, the most average man

in the world,

the round knob

on the bell curve of life,

the star

of "the red green show,"

mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you,

and welcome to possum lodge.

I'd like to apologize

for, uh, harold's intro.

The only nudity we have here

are our bald spots,

and there's nothing wrong

with our language.

It's the people that use it

that are offensive.

I'm just trying

to add some edge, you know,

some controversy, like I do

with my special-effects unit.

[ keyboard clacking ]

no harm in that.

You know, young people like

to make, uh, more of things

than they really are, you know?

It's -- it's something

I guess they have to do

in order to help them find their

way in life and everything.

I guess it's natural.

But bugs the crap out of me,

I'll tell you.

Anyway, uh, we had

our annual report

from our, uh, lodge treasurer,

uh, douglas.

And, uh -- I, uh, thought it was

pretty well-received,

considering nobody had read it

and -- and nobody listened.

What are you doing,

douglas?

The lodge books.

Oh.

You busy?

Yes, I am.

I know that's hard

for a government employee

to relate to.

Was there

something else?

Oh, yeah. Would you like to play

a game of golf, huh?

Fore! Thwack! Huh?

[ chuckles ]

well, let's see.

I'm very busy

wrapping up the lodge accounts

for the end

of the month.

Mm-hmm.

I have to pay the bills

and write the checks.

And I hate golf.

So...No, I guess not.

Oh, how about you,

harold --

feel like 18?

I am 18.

Come on, guys!

The -- the sun is shining!

It's nice weather!

Doesn't that just shout dimpled

balls and mashie niblicks, huh?

Okay.

How about a-a little game

of golf, a-a mini game?

A game of mini golf?!

No, not for me, bob.

Thank you.

Enjoy yourself,

though.

Well, I-I can't wait all day

for you guys to decide.

Oh, yeah, by the way,

mail came.

That letter's for you.

Well, I'm off to see

if anybody else is interested

in a fore-some.

Boy, I thought

he'd never leave.

I was getting cramps hiding

in the hallway there.

Oh, my god.

W-we're being audited.

T-the lodge

is being audited.

Harold, t-the lodge

is being audited!

Oh, boy! Oh!

What does that mean?

Oh!

Oh, this is the end!

This is it!

Oh, the government is

against us!

Do you know how many people

they have working for them?

We're outnumbered.

We're done for.

Oh!

They're gonna

go over our accounts and --

and find out we didn't pay

enough tax!

Well, how much tax

did we pay, douglas?

None.

Well, that doesn't sound

like enough.

Well, now, don't worry,

fellas.

I've been through this kind

of thing before.

All right. Everybody,

come on over here.

Bill, douglas, harold,

have a seat at the table.

What's this

all about, doc?

I-I don't like this.

Y-you scare me!

Now, don't get your knickers

in a knot, douglas.

Have a seat.

Now, red, I'm gonna need

about a dozen ballpoint pens

and a big wad of paper

and hot water -- lots and lots

of hot water.

No, that's something

entirely different, isn't it?

Or we could make some coffee.

Yeah.

Get the hot water, red.

Well?

Oh, yeah. I'll get

right on that, doc.

Bill, take notes.

Now, harold,

remember that pair of rubber

boots you bought last year

so you could help retrieve

old man sedgwick's teeth

from the swamp?

Vaguely.

That was a business expense,

all right?

Now -- now, what did those

puppies set you back?

$14.99. My mother still

complains about that.

All right. Well, round it off

to an even $100.

Well, he -- he doesn't have

a receipt.

Well, he will,

as soon as red gets back

with the pens and paper.

Now, remember, fellas,

you got to print real nice

so they look official,

all right?

That's illegal!

No. No, he's right.

You're right, douglas.

He's right.

[ chuckles ]

so, does, uh, only the lodge

treasurer go to jail,

or can red

be charged, too,

for not keeping track

of your financial misdeeds?

What about haircuts?

I-I got one

for every lodge meeting.

That's another $500

right there.

Good, good.

We need harold's zit cream.

How about that?

No!

No, no, no!

No, no, no, no.

I don't want

to go to court

and have to testify

that I have zits.

I don't want judge wapner

knowing that.

Bill's medical expenses,

and the stuff he damages.

So that's a couple hundred

every week, anyway.

Oh, what about, uh,

repairs to the lodge --

uh, you know,

renovations, upgrading,

uh, cleaning expenses,

maintenance costs?

Can't push that one

through.

You're thinking

about this place, are you?

Long shot.

Pushing -- we're gonna get

in trouble with that.

Movie rentals

for the vcr!

That's one!

$50 a week!

$100, $100!

Push it up there.

Okay, 100 bucks a week.

Wait a minute!

We don't have a vcr.

There's a bit

of a loophole.

Yeah.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ dig, dig, dig, boys ♪

♪ make that pickax ring ♪

♪ shovel out

the dirt, boys ♪

♪ make that pickax ring again

a couple more times ♪

♪ oh, dig, dig, dig, boys ♪

♪ work hard,

the big boss say ♪

♪ 'cause we got to get

the septics in and operational ♪

♪ before the men

finish lunch ♪

red: This week in, uh,

"handyman corner,"

we're gonna do a little bit

of concentrating on safety.

You've all heard the expression

"safety first."

actually, at the lodge,

it's more like "safety forced."

but, you know, with the --

with the decay of moral values

in society,

the members all feel they now

have something to live for.

So there's

a whole new, uh, focus there

on the idea of safety.

And this gave me an idea.

You know, the new cars

now have these, uh --

have these air bags that they're

in front of you there.

And, uh, no, I'm not talking

about, like, the little bags

they have in front of you

on the airplane.

So I was thinking, what if you

had a personal air bag --

something you could wear

on your body at all times

for any kind of a front-end

collision or whatever?

And, uh, so, I thought

I might design one of those.

And, of course, the first thing

you're gonna need...

[ clears throat ]

...Is an undershirt.

Uh, an undershirt is usually,

uh, just holding

your own stomach.

But this time, it's gonna be

having something of value.

So you want to seal her off

real good.

You go across the bottom

with, uh, some staples.

You might want to make, uh,

two or three rows of staples

on there.

And, uh, then, uh, once you've

got the staples all in place,

um, you want

to just cover that up

with the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

This is just a safety

precaution, really,

to cover up the staples,

because if any of you have

ever been to the outhouse,

uh, with a magazine,

you know the damage

that staples can do.

I'll finish that off later.

What I want to show you

right now

is the most important part

of the air bag,

which is...

[ clears throat ]

...The air bag.

Nothing runs like a deere,

does it?

This may look to you

like a lawn bag,

but this is gonna save

your life.

What you do is, uh,

open up your shirt

or open up your blouse or --

well, let's just stick

with the shirt now.

We want to pack the bag

in there

just like packing a parachute.

Or there was a movie one time

where I think they said, uh,

"are you packing a parachute,

or are you just glad to see me?"

luckily,

it was just a parachute.

All right,

uh, once that's in place,

uh, you need something

that's gonna --

to fill the bag up,

something to inflate the bag.

And, uh, when you think about

safety, what do you think of?

Fire extinguisher.

Fill that thing up

in two seconds flat.

Now, make sure

you get the co2 kind.

Otherwise, you'll be

picking fire retardant

out of your shorts

for the next 24 years.

Kind of natural and

unobtrusive-looking, isn't it?

And the beauty of it is I can

just be walking down the street,

and, uh, if anything

should start coming towards me

of a full-frontal nature --

uh, perhaps a speeding truck

or what have you --

I just, uh, reach calmly up

over my back -- quickly,

but calmly up over my back --

and, uh, pull the safety pin,

and, uh -- and just release

my personal air bag.

[ coughs ]

uh, it's that simple.

So, remember,

if women don't find you...

[ coughing ]

...Handsome, they should

at least find you handy.

I'm freezing,

and I've blown my bag.

Twist ties?

Twist ties!

Yeah, plenty of those.

$1,000, easily --

big bags.

Is that a spot

over there?

Spots!

Spot remover!

[ indistinct conversation ]

"it is autumn,

thanksgiving weekend.

"friends and family

gather around the tv.

"Friday night,

a basketball game.

"Saturday,

three college football games.

"hockey at night.

"Sunday, four football games,

"some stock-car races,

and a basketball game.

"Monday, five football games,

"the belgian grand prix,

and two hockey games.

We really do have so much

to give thanks for this year."

so, unfortunately, uh,

money problems tend

to ruin friendships,

or whatever it is we have

going for us

up -- up here at the lodge.

And things have kind of

deteriorated to the point

that people are starting

to point fingers at each other

and -- and asking questions

like, uh,

"what color of shoe polish

were you drinking

when you bought that?"

well, you know, uncle red,

there were some

questionable purchases of late.

You know, I'm talking

like the --

the eight slot-car

racetrack set, you know,

minus the transformer

and cars,

the lava lamps,

the wind-powered typewriter,

oh, the backhoe. Wa-a!

What's wrong

with a backhoe, harold?

Uh, nothing,

absolutely nothing,

'cause I forgot that you

purchased that, didn't you?

Wa-a!

It doesn't matter

who bought it, harold.

I mean, a backhoe's either

a smart purchase, or it wasn't.

I say it was.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

yes. Oh, it was.

I'm just saying that, you know,

you could always rent one.

Yeah. Yeah, harold.

You can always rent one.

But if you're renting one

often enough,

it's cheaper to buy

a backhoe.

Exactly.

Yes. Yes, it is.

It's just

the only difference

is that the rental one --

it runs.

Well, yes, and the one that I

bought will run, too, harold,

as soon as those

carburetor parts come in.

Don't forget, that --

that's how I got

such a great price on it.

Wa-a-a! Yes, indeedy, too. You

got an excellent price on it.

You know, I'm just --

I'm just -- some skeptics,

some skeptics,

they might ask themselves, like,

"well, why did they buy

a backhoe that doesn't run,

yet they continue

to rent one that does?"

something.

Well, harold,

you're just --

you're just not gonna

understand this, okay?

It's -- it's that simple --

it's the difference

between capital expenditure

and daily operating cost.

You know, you're never gonna

figure this out, harold.

No. No, it's beyond me.

Hi, bob.

What? Oh.

Hi, red.

How you doing?

Is that my golf -- golf bag

over there?

Oh, sorry.

Not bad, I guess.

I'm doing a little bit of,

uh, ministry work.

No, don't worry about it.

All right.

It's not important.

What you doing here?

Some ministry work.

Uh-huh?

Yes, land survey.

You do that

with a golf ball?

Well, it's the fastest way

to check which way

the, uh --

the green breaks...

Oh, yeah.

...The --

the land breaks here...

The land slopes.

Oh, oh, oh.

That's right.

Yeah.

Oh.

It's, yeah, definitely

a problem.

Yeah.

Yeah, definitely

some lateral movement

in the, uh, substrata.

See how the ball

didn't go in a straight --

it didn't go where you

wanted it to go?

No.

All right, well, bob,

uh, you know, uh,

I guess you heard we're being

audited up at the lodge, eh?

And I just thought maybe you

could, uh, kind of help --

n-not that we want to cook

the books, you know?

But we were thinking,

you know,

with the way you keep your golf

score, we could just --

now, just wait

a minute here.

Now, listen to me, red.

I mean, you can check

my golf scorecards

all the way back to 1973,

and you won't find

one discrepancy.

And those are signed cards.

I signed them myself.

Well, that's good enough

for me, bob.

You know,

it probably didn't affect

the leaderboard

anyway, right?

Are you wondering

about my scoring?

Is that it --

how I score?

Is that -- is -- oh, have you

all been talking about it?

I'll tell you what.

I will put

all of my work aside,

and you and I will play

a game of golf.

I'll start from zero right now.

How about that, huh?

No, no.

No -- no thanks.

Are you sure?

No, that's fine,

that's fine.

What I was thinking, though,

is, you know,

you're the only lodge member

who is with the government.

And I thought you could

kind of explain

what this

auditing process is

and then also maybe give us

some inside tips, you know,

and so on

and what's expected.

Well, I'm with the, uh,

natural resources.

I'm not with revenue.

But I really don't know much

about tax, uh, deductibles

and, you know,

that kind of stuff.

Yeah. No, I don't know

anything about that.

[ laughing ] oh, boy.

Yeah, definitely some

bad movement there, though.

The whole continent's

in trouble. You know that, eh?

[ film projector clicking ]

red: Well, for our, uh --

our adventure this week,

bill, uh, pulled something

out of his pants

which I thought originally

was, uh, some of them

fishnet pantyhose that he wears

at parties sometimes.

And actually, it was, uh --

it was a hammock

for, uh --

for today's adventure.

Now, the first thing you got

to do is kind of unwind it.

And I think we should have dis--

discussed, you know,

whether we were gonna go

clockwise or counterclockwise.

And then he started --

he lost his patience there.

[ boing! ]

well, it kind of serves you

right, there, bill.

Anyway, we, uh -- look out,

look out, look out, look out.

Oh, no, he's fine.

And we finally kind of --

oh, there.

We switched ends.

Maybe that's what --

that's what made it look --

oh, see that? Okay.

All right, all right.

I see what you mean.

Anyway, we got her, uh --

got her, and then we --

but the trees were just, uh --

golly, I think just

a little too bit,

uh -- yeah, too bit farther,

a little too, uh -- maybe not

quite close enough together

is what I'm trying to say.

But on the other hand, uh,

you know,

if you do use trees

that are just that little bit

extra bit apart,

you get a real good, uh --

a real good tension on the --

on the unit --

uh, maybe a little too much.

I don't know.

[ boing! ]

boy, oh, boy, she's, uh --

she's snug, isn't she?

But bill's, uh -- bill's game,

you know?

And tried -- oh!

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

[ chuckles ]

a hammock's, uh -- there's a lot

to a hammock, you know?

Uh, no wonder...

Aah!

...People are sleeping

in them.

They're so darn tired

from getting into the darn

thing, you know?

[ chuckles ]

so, then we decided to tie

all four corners off.

And this way, uh,

she wouldn't pivot on it.

Still had a bit

of spring to her,

but it wouldn't flip over,

so we had a whole other --

oh, oh, oh, oh, ohh!

Oh, and he's up 50, 60 feet

up there.

So I -- I figure, well, heck,

we're done with the hammock, and

he'll probably just climb down.

Come on down, bill. Come on

down. Come on down, bill.

Not that way, bill.

Not that way.

Bill, bill, bill!

Oh, boy.

[ groans ]

anyway, uh, he's okay.

Hammocks sure are relaxing,

aren't they?

No, no, no, no.

See, I'm not saying anything

about you, uncle red.

I'm just saying

that most men your age

have monstrous

beer guts.

Well, I don't think that's a

major concern of yours, harold.

Well, I'm just saying, you know,

I don't understand it,

'cause in this day and age,

we're more

health-conscious, certainly,

and people are watching

what they're eating and

what they're drinking.

How does that plus that

equal monstrous beer gut?

Well, it's a sign

of maturity.

Maturity? No, no.

A giant sea turtle

lives to be 150.

You don't see

a monstrous beer gut on him.

No, it's not

a sign of maturity.

It's a sign of a 25-year

chugalug contest.

Wa-a-a-a!

You're not in such great

physical shape yourself,

there, harold.

I don't have a --

a beer gut.

You have a pizza face.

That's cruel.

You started it.

Oh, probably

just the beer talking.

Well, we're all done

making up our phony receipts.

We got receipts

for food, entertainment,

ammo, airplanes.

And I'll tell you,

there isn't a scrap of paper

within 40 miles of the lodge,

which has created a bit

of a problem in the outhouse.

Uncle red, have you seen

douglas yet today?

You know, he spent

the entire day downtown

with a really strict-looking guy

from the government.

Wa-a!

Right.

All right. Okay.

Well,

I-I suppose douglas

will explain that

at tonight's lodge meeting.

Anyway, the guys

had so darn much fun

making up all the receipts

that they've kind of decided

to do that

as a -- as a business,

you know,

for other service clubs

or whoever needs phony receipts.

They're gonna call it,

uh, fraud "r" us.

So they've asked the government

to give them a list

of everybody

who's being audited,

and then they'll just start

making calls, you know.

I suppose there's a --

there's a flaw in --

in the reasoning somewhere.

But by golly, I can't spot it.

[ screeching ]

oh, that's it, uncle red --

the squeal of the possum.

The meeting

is about to begin.

I'll be downstairs.

I'll -- I'll wait for you

down there.

But you got to hurry,

though, okay?

Okay, harold.

I'll be right down.

Uh, I'll just, uh,

zip down there

and straighten out

the financial situation.

Shouldn't take very long.

And maybe if any of you have got

a financial problem

of your own out there,

uh, you want

some phony receipts,

just drop us a line,

ask for some bogus stuff.

Or we could -- or we could

also sell you a backhoe.

[ indistinct conversations ]

can we get murray to sit down?

We're gonna start now.

Okay. Hold on. Don't sit down.

We're starting.

Oh, rise up.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Sit down.

All right,

first thing on the agenda is,

uh, who forgot

to take the garbage out.

Floor recognizes

doc render.

Thank you, red.

Doc render,

everybody.

Thank you, douglas.

Now, these, uh --

these bags contain, uh,

$9 million

worth of receipts.

I've got a few here

that I-I don't think the

government will accept, fellas.

Uh, this one here is for us

having our colors done.

No good, bill.

Sorry.

Maybe I can get a job

in the prison laundry,

earn five cents

a day.

Red -- red, old buddy,

you'll come and see me

in prison, won't you?

You'll be

in the next cell.

Well, didn't you tell

the tax guys we have receipts?

I even showed them!

[ sobs ]

all he did

was laugh at me!

"ha, ha, ha!"

oh, boy.

Just like that --

"ha, ha, ha!"

he said, "you'd better

start praying."

well...

Hey, wait a second,

that's it -- praying.

We'll declare ourselves

a religion.

Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, those guys

don't pay any tax!

The church

of the possum.

I like that.

I like that.

[ indistinct shouting ]

no, no, no.

Well, I mean, this place is

a little bit of heaven for all

of us, isn't it? Huh, guys?

Well, I don't know.

I don't think taking

the lord's name in vain a lot

necessarily makes us

a religion.

Well, o-okay.

Why don't we declare ourselves

a charity? That'll do.

Okay. All right.

That's better.

Well, that sounds great.

We can have a-a charitable

golf game, huh?

[ indistinct shouting ]

put some thought

into your actions.

We should declare ourselves

a disaster area.

Bartender,

another crème de menthe.

Oh, I know! I know!

This is what my mom does, right?

She's got, like,

credit cards,

and when they get

all full up,

she just gets, like,

new credit cards.

No. The -- the government

doesn't take american express.

That's it! That's it!

We -- we borrow

against our credit cards!

$10,000 divided

by 50 guys is --

$200.

$300.

That's right.

All right.

We're safe!

Now, first thing

tomorrow,

we all hit the bank

and borrow $300.

$200.

$200.

Thank you, red.

I love you! I love you!

We're safe! We're safe!

[ cheering ]

well, if, uh -- if there's --

if there's no other business,

bill, I think --

no, nothing there.

I say whoever feels like it,

get up and entertain us here.

Well, I think

I'm up, red.

I'm gonna show some, uh,

putter tricks, you know?

Well, I'm gonna tell

some jokes!

I'm in a good mood!

I'm feeling great!

Okay, okay.

Um, this guy walks into a bar,

which is strange,

because, uh --

okay, wait a second.

Uh, okay. Two guys --

two guys walk into this bar.

Uh, you can fool some of

the people some of the time,

but government isn't people.

You know, I think

our biggest mistake

was announcing our plans

on national television,

'cause a lot of civil servants

watch this show.

Actually, they tape the show

so they can watch it at work,

and that way, it doesn't cut

into their quality time.

But I suppose honesty

is the best policy,

if you have to have a policy.

So we'll settle our debt

with the government

by just borrowing more money.

Hell, that's what they do.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home,

uh, after the meeting.

Gonna have to stay up late

and go through that, uh,

shoe box full of receipts

in the back of the junk drawer.

And that way, we'll be ready

for the government guy

who's coming over tomorrow.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

I got a million of them!

I got -- okay.

Now, what do you get when you

cross a mink with a kangaroo?

Uh, minkaroo?

No.

Uh, a fur coat

with one pocket.

[ laughs ]

what he said.

What bob said!

Okay, uh, all right,

what's worse?

A demise

of a species.

What's worse, uh, a centipede

with, uh, a sinus cold,

or an elephant

with athlete's feet?

[ laughs ]

uh, the elephant?