Damn You Emu

Dalton has started a business raising emus and he persuades Red to help him.

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , , , ,

Segments: The Possum Lodge Word Game, Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Ranger Gord's Educational Films, Red's Handyman Tips, Meet Your Member

DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 3; The Red Green Show – 2000 Season

DVD Commentary by Steve Smith
STEVE SMITH: Those of us who are lucky enough, honestly, to work on "The Red Green Show" manage to combine, I think, three things, three entertainment bits all in one. We're doing a television show, there's a bit of stand-up comedy to it, and it's also live theater. And all of those are happening simultaneously because we do them all in front of a live audience. And whenever those things all combine and kind of work, it's fun for everybody. And I think, in this show, if you look in the last scene, the closing, not the last scene of the show, but the closing scene where we're in the lobby and everything, and all those emus are at the window, you have to imagine all of our stagehand assistants here behind that window with at least one if not two emus on a stick in their hand, pecking the beaks against the window and then turning and facing Ranger Gord's tower and then eventually exiting. I mean, it may look funny the way we shot it, but it would've been way better if we had a camera back there with all these guys walking along. That's just, uh, part of the job experience right here at "The Red Green Show".

Transcript
''{Red stands on the roof of a house at night. This house has a metal chimney sticking out of the roof.}''

RED GREEN: You may not realize it, but if you have indoor plumbing, you got one of these breather pipes somewhere on your roof. It lets the air into the system, which allows the waste water to escape down the drain, but it also allows the sewer gases to escape up into the atmosphere, which pollutes our air, kills the surrounding trees, and disorients passing birds. The solution here is pretty simple, because, fortunately, these gases are flammable. So all it takes is a flick of your BIC to turn an environmental hazard into an Olympic torch, blazing forth in the night to remind us of what has gone before. And what better tribute to the continuum of the human spirit than an elevated stack of flaming methane?

''{Red takes out a lighter and holds it out over the breather. He lights the lighter. A fire spews from the top of the breather. Red makes a saluting motion.}''

The Possum Lodge Word Game
MIKE HAMAR: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

{The camera pulls back to reveal Mike standing behind the card table where Red and Edgar are seated.}

MIKE HAMAR: {holding up a gift certificate} Today's winner will receive this gift certificate to Big Al's Podiatry Clinic. This week, uh, get one bunion removed at the regular price and get the second one... {looks at other side of certificate; uncertain} half off... Um, okay, Edgar, uh, you gotta cover your ears, okay?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, I'll have a tall one, with ice.

''{Mike and Red look confused. Then Mike shrugs.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, uh, Mr. Green, you got thirty seconds to get Edgar to say this word: {holds up sign displaying the word} "Fuse"! "Fuse".

RED GREEN: All right, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: {putting sign on table} And go!

RED GREEN: All right, Edgar, what do you call the thing that catches on fire just before the dynamite explodes?

EDGAR MONTROSE: My truck!

RED GREEN: Okay, you can always tell when somebody has a quick temper, because they have a very short...

EDGAR MONTROSE: ...brother?

RED GREEN: No, Edgar... Okay, candles have wicks, right? But with dynamite, it's different.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, yeah, with dynamite, you don't have to cut the birthday cake after.

MIKE HAMAR: You're almost out of time, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay, Mike. Edgar, if I was gonna light a stick of dynamite, what would I be looking for?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Your running shoes.

RED GREEN: Okay, let's try a scientific thing. If you forcibly join two things together, that's called...

EDGAR MONTROSE: ...a shotgun wedding! {laughs silently; Red is perplexed} Well, it's kinda like an offer you can't refuse!

RED GREEN: There we go! {rings bell to end game as Mike gives Edgar the certificate}

Red's Sage Advice
RED GREEN: You know, guys don't like to ask anybody for help. Women think it's because it makes us look weak, but that's not it. No, guys hate asking friends for help on a project because it means selling yourself into slavery. It's called payback work. If I ask a friend to help me do something smart, like build a winterized garage for my snowmobile, then I'd have go help him do something stupid, like pour a cement pad for his rocket launcher. And why would I want to do that? If I've already finished my project, I don't want to do any more work. But that payback work thing is nagging away in the back of your mind. Just like that relative living in the guest room. No matter what you say or what you do, it will not leave. So you want my advice? You need something that needs to be fixed, hire a professional. If it's not bad enough to need a professional, fix it yourself and it will be. But believe me, you're better paying in cash once than paying in payback work the rest of your life. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Segue: Winston Rothschild
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: When you get the news that your septics have the ooze and it's giving you the blues and getting on you shoes, call me, Winston, and I'll put it back in cruise.

{Winston holds up his business card.}

Ranger Gord's Educational Films
{Ranger Gord is seated in his fire watchtower, next to a film projector.}

RANGER GORD: Hi, folks. You know, I've been working in film for quite some time now, and I function completely on my own without any outside influence whatsoever. Oh, sure, every once in a while, {picks up a packet of papers} I'll pick up and read my psychological evaluation that headquarters did on me, but it's complete garbage. {displays first page of packet} It's entitled "Sociopath of the Forest". It's nonsense. I've been on every trail and path in this woods and there's no such thing. {puts packet down} You know, working as I do, alone, with only limited resources, my films are, by necessity, avant-garde, and, as such, have never been reviewed by any mainstream film critic. If they did, I can just imagine what they'd say: "Yes, bears do go in the woods, and this is what they leave." Well, that's because they don't understand the subtleties that are so much a part of this medium. And that's why I'd rather just let you see them, and if you don't like them, well, fine, that's the end of it. But if you like them, well, heck, why don't you come up here and stay for a year or two, and we can watch them over and over and over and over and over and over and over... Oh, that'd be great. Anyway, here's this week's film. I hope you love it. {starts the projector}

''{The film starts, displaying the titles: "Ranger Gord's Educational Films" and "Written and Directed and Animated and Voices by: Ranger Gord". The film fades to Ranger Gord posing with the title "Starring Ranger Gord! (Me)". The film fades again to a shot of a mountain. The title reads, "Today's episode.....", then "BEFORE THE FIRE". The scene then fades to show Gord standing in front of a gray sky.}''

RANGER GORD: Folks, I hope everyone out there realizes that the best way to fight forest fires is to prevent them from happening in the first place. {shows off green-covered mountain} That's how I plan to save this forest!

Segue: Winston Rothschild 2
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Hi, I'm Winston. Love means never having to see your sewage. Call Rothschild's!

{Winston holds up his business card.}

Inside References

 * Mike was previously featured in a "Meet Your Member" segment in The Owl Project.

Real-World References

 * Red makes multiple references to fast-food franchise Kentucky Fried Chicken, which uses Colonel Sanders as its mascot.