The Storm Damage Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

But it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

on today's show,

harold's going through some

of his normal teenage angst,

bill's got

a little squirrel there

with a real big nut

to deal with,

I'm gonna do some driving

and show you how to find

a parking spot,

even during rush hour.

Anmy uncle, red green!Son

they invented life jackets,

wa-a-a!

Red:

Thank you very much.

And here's the reason

we don't wear life jackets,

my nephew, harold.

[ bear growls ]

hello!

Things are real hectic

up at the lodge this week.

We just got

the weather report in.

Huge storm warning coming

that's gonna blow

all the boathouses flat.

I didn't hear anything

about a storm-warning

effect on the radio.

Well, harold,

we don't listen to the radio

for our weather report.

We get our weather stuff direct

from old man sedgwick's body.

Old man sedgwick's body

can't predict the weather!

Except for maybe a cold front

moving in.

Oh, sure it can, harold.

Stiff neck means snow.

When his left hand cramps up

like that,

it means it'll be a cold, sunny

day, just around freezing.

When his shoulders get sore,

temperature's gonna go up.

This morning,

his hip seized up so bad,

we know

there's a big storm coming.

And judging by the way

he's hunched over,

I think you can expect

a lot of wind.

[ bear growls ]

this is way more entertaining

than staring at a forest.

[ pulley squeaks ]

[ percussion

and guitar playing ]

♪ well, this is a story

about lucy depp ♪

♪ she had a husband

that snored ♪

[ snorts ]

♪ and nothing would stop him

and nothing would help ♪

♪ at least nothing

that lucy could afford ♪

♪ they say you should wake

a snorer up ♪

♪ so that's what lucy did ♪

♪ the good news is,

it stopped his snoring ♪

♪ but lucy

now has 17 kids ♪

[ water gurgles ]

okay, you got a problem

because you got an anniversary

that you think is coming up,

but, in fact, is not coming up.

It has gone by.

It was yesterday.

You pulled a complete blank,

total anemia.

And now you got to be

digging yourself out

'cause, brother,

you are in the deep stuff.

Which, you know, happens to be

my specialty, eh?

So you could say,

"oh, geez.

"I forgot

about our anniversary."

you could say that,

you know,

and you could just lie

a little bit and say,

"oh, well,

that doesn't matter.

You know, maybe she would

forgive you.

She won't.

And why should she?

So here's what you do.

You tell her you've postponed

the anniversary till the weekend

because the special gift

that you got her

won't be delivered

till then.

This is great.

Now you got till the weekend

to get the gift.

Now, if you forget to get her

a gift on the weekend,

you're on your own, bud.

Or plan "b."

plan "b."

you whip out your wallet

and you point to last year's

calendar card.

And you go, "pfft!

There's your problem!

"right day, wrong year.

"looks like next year

we'll just have to celebrate

the anniversary twice."

that might work.

Of course, if it doesn't,

you know,

you might not even

be celebrating

the anniversary

the once.

[ ducks quacking ]

you know, old man sedgwick has

got me thinking about something

that we don't do very well

up here at the lodge --

advertise.

He has the ability to predict

weather with his body,

and he's not making

a thin dime off of it.

If he was that ronco guy,

he'd probably market it

as the popeil pocket pool

weather picker,

but old man sedgwick

refuses to get up off his asset

and advertise.

You got to blow your own horn,

even at his age,

and so do we.

If we want to keep

"the red green show" on the air,

despite the critics and

the ratings and the networks.

We're gonna have to

advertise, too.

Now, I suppose

we could take out an ad

in something

like the new york times

or put the name of the show

on the exposed body parts

of exotic dancers,

but that costs money.

I got a better idea that I stole

from winston rothschild,

the local septic-tank-pumper guy

around here.

Painting your name and/or

product right onto your vehicle.

It's free. It's mobile.

It'll be seen by everybody you

pass, back into, or drive over.

I haven't just stopped at

putting my name on my car here.

No, sir.

I painted her up

just like the possum van,

which is world-famous

in parts of alaska.

I even put some of the handyman

secret roll bar in here

up on the corners.

Well, technically,

this isn't actually my car --

it's buster's --

but I think he'll really like

what I've done with it.

I even put teeth onto the --

onto the front bumper,

just like I got

on the possum van,

and I put the possum

brotherhood crest

up here on the hood

so it'll be spotted

by them traffic helicopters.

But, you know, they tell me

that for somebody to have an ad

sink into them,

they've got to see it 25 times.

Well, you can't drive past

somebody 25 times on the highway

without incurring a lot of angry

gestures or possible gunplay.

So I'm saying, why don't

I drive this thing at a pace

where I'll get a rotating

high frequency of venues

in front of my target audience,

which is to say I'm gonna drive

200 laps in a car race.

Announcer: Car number 11,

red green, from possum lodge.

Red: Well, obviously, a lot

of guys have the same idea.

But at least I'll wave.

Maybe then I'll stand out

a little bit from the rest.

Announcer: Green flag is down,

and we are racing!

Red: And away we go.

And the important thing here is,

in the car race,

to get in one

of the outside lanes

so you're out there

where the people can see you,

and just do whatever you can

to draw attention to yourself.

I'm kind of scanning

the audience,

see how many of them

are looking,

reading

"the red green show" sign,

and maybe possibly --

there's the possibility

I took my eyes off the road

a little bit too long,

and I think it's just

buster's car doesn't corner.

Oh, geez.

I stalled her.

Oh, man.

[ engine sputters ]

come on.

Come on, baby.

Come on. Come on.

[ engine turns over ]

there we go. There we go.

And just merge, merge, merge.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

There we go.

Now -- now -- now the dirt --

that's not --

that's not a good thing.

Anyway,

now I'm in the middle lane,

so I'm, uh, being exposed

to an entirely different set

of drivers,

but maybe not so much

to the stands,

and then we carom

back outside -- back outside.

There we go.

Nice move. Nice move.

And that car is looking good,

isn't it?

Glad we washed her.

There's this darn curve again.

And this car just --

oh, buster, for gosh --

I was just --

oh, oh, oh. Stalled her.

[ engine sputters ]

oh, man.

[ engine turns over ]

announcer: Red green, car

number 11, is now in reverse.

He is running

in the wrong direction.

Red: Oh, I thought I'd give them

a little different angle here

so they'd get to see the sign

from both sides.

I'll tell you one thing,

they won't forget me.

I dare you guys to hit me.

I was kidding.

Stay tuned.

Dalton's gonna sell you

one of his precious antiques.

And look --

it's sap time up at the lodge.

I wanted to talk to you younger

viewers out there about guns.

I hear where kids are

carrying guns to high school,

to junior high school,

even to public school,

and these kids are not part

of the school's biathlon team.

Seems that show-and-tell

has given way to

"shoot and ask questions later."

now, I'll admit there's

a certain amount of hunting

that goes on up here

at the lodge,

but it's all legal,

it's in season,

and it's done with all

the safety rules in mind.

And, besides,

nothing ever gets shot,

'cause the animals

have the intellectual edge.

But guns are for sport,

not for school.

I blame the parents.

I think you've got to watch

for the signs

when a kid

has some bad study habits.

For example,

when you got a 9-year-old

going to school

with a semiautomatic weapon,

there's a pretty good chance he

doesn't have his homework done.

I think maybe that's time

for dad to sit down,

have a father/son talk, and give

him the guidance that he needs.

Maybe give him a hug or tell him

how much you care about him.

Start to rebuild

that relationship

that you've let slip away.

Just make sure

he keeps his hands

out where you can see them.

[ rattling ]

well, we are moments away

from the biggest rip-snorting

storm to hit this area

since the one that washed away

possum hill.

Everything around the lodge

of value

has been nailed down, tied down,

bolted down, or buried.

Old man sedgwick's hips

are seized up so bad,

he had to get somebody else

to do his paper route.

Uncle red, I've scanned

the clear blue horizon.

There's not a cloud

in the sky.

The best weather computers

and satellite photos

say there is going to be

no storm. Wa-a!

Even the color radar

on the weather channel

says there's no precipitation

in the area,

and you know television

doesn't lie.

Yeah, right.

Well, junior doesn't agree

with you, harold.

He took all the shingles

off his roof

and put them

down the basement

so he knows where to find them

when the storm's over.

Moose thompson

has boarded up his windows,

and flinty mcclintock even

took down his christmas lights.

See the panic

you're causing?

There is going to be

no storm!

Harold, I'm only gonna

say this once.

If you care about your chickens

as much as you say you do,

I think you'd better

get out there

and tie up that coop

and batten down the hatches.

Wa-a-a! Why?!

Why? Because of some old man

in the woods

with a calcium deficiency

in his hip joints?

[ zap! ]

what's that?

Wasn't me, harold.

Maybe it was the storm.

My chickens.

My chickens!

Forget it, harold.

They're halfway to oz by now.

[ bear growls ]

you know, to most people,

mother nature

is just a quaint fairy tale,

but to native people,

earth mother

is a very real spirit.

To me, she's a big sumac

named gwendolyn.

Red: We're over here

by the main highway

at humphries everything store

to kind of assess the amount

of damage done by the storm,

and it looks to me

like there's been plenty here.

That can't be good news

for our resident curio

and antique collector

dalton humphries.

Dalton, exactly how much damage

did you sustain out here?

Damage? Whoa, not enough for me,

I'll tell you.

Just wish I'd had a chance

to get more furniture

out in the rain.

Well, you lost me there,

dalton.

You know, any antique dealer

worth his salt

knows how to use weather

to his advantage.

Now, take your acid rain,

your toxic rain --

nothing discolors a stain

more evenly

or ages more beautifully.

You can't get texture like this

out of a can.

Oh, so rain is good.

Oh, rain is good, yeah.

Snow is better.

Wow.

There's nothing

like the sense of history

you get with freezing

temperatures

and then a slow thaw.

Look at this thing.

This is money in the bank.

All this flaking paint

just screams "old" to people.

You can't fake this kind

of stuff with a heat gun.

I've tried.

No, no, no.

That's what gives you

the perfect flake job.

Look at that.

So, this is why

the antique dealers

leave all their stuff

outside, right?

Oh, trade secret.

[ both laugh ]

yeah, precipitation.

That's the key, huh?

Yep, precipitation,

and, you know, sun is good, too.

You know, with this --

this thinning ozone layer's

been a real boon

to the antique industry.

Oh, sure. Here, look, look.

Look at this. Look.

How old

would you say this is?

Mid-'40s.

Yeah?

Bought it brand-new

two years ago.

Left it on the roof

of the old tool shed.

Wow.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

$15 turned to $200.

Well,

thank you, dalton.

Always good to know this stuff,

isn't it, folks?

Yeah. Oh, boy.

Looks like it's turning nice.

Maybe we'll get

a heat wave, huh?

Got those chairs over there

just turning like pretzels.

[ spraying ]

how come some guys

are so territorial

about their cars, uncle red?

Territorial, harold?

These are guys,

not timber wolves.

They don't go around marking

their cars with their scent.

Well, at the last

tailgate party, they did.

Okay. Like -- like

junior singleton, right?

Every morning, he's out there,

and he's washing his car.

I mean, at lunch,

he's out there waxing it,

and then right after supper,

he's out there buffing it.

He's rubbing that thing from

top to bottom five times a day.

He's just protecting

his investment, harold.

He's trying to keep

the value up

on what many people consider

to be a classic example

of automotive styling

and engineering.

An '86 omni?

Well, I don't know,

harold.

There's something about a car,

that's all --

the style, the power --

something.

A girl in my class told me

that a man's vehicle

is just a substitute

for his you know what.

That's a good thing,

harold,

'cause lights, mirrors,

and mud flaps

look a lot better on a car,

believe me.

[ squeaking ]

"wooden toboggan," by me.

"when I go tobogganing,

I ride on one that's wood.

"it's faster than aluminum,

and I think fast is good.

"and wood will bend

if you hit rocks,

"not like sleds made of metal.

"and wood makes a good stretcher

for the ride to the hospital."

[ explosion ]

[ clock cuckoos ]

time for "adventures with bill."

bill said he's gonna stop on

the way and get some breakfast.

He, uh, picked up some waffles,

which, uh,

I usually like waffles,

but these ones, I don't know.

They were pretty dried out.

[ cracks ]

yeah. Very dried out,

I'd say, in fact.

But anyway, the idea's --

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

The idea is bill's gonna look

and find some --

not in there, bill.

Bill's gonna look and find

some syrup to put on them,

and he's got this stick,

apparently,

he uses to tap on the trees,

and --

[ clinks ]

oh, one less isn't gonna hurt.

They're definitely dried out.

So, he taps on the tree, and --

that one sounds kind of hollow.

No, no.

And now, this is interesting.

This stump is completely covered

with the syrup.

I guess --

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

So, that stuff is very,

very sticky.

I guess the stuff had all

gone down into the stump.

What's that? What's that?

What?

Oh, oh, oh, for god's sake.

A little squirrel

all stuck to the syrup.

Bill, help him out there.

Get him off that tree.

Get him. There he goes.

There he goes.

Oh, he's fine.

He's fine. He's fine.

Oh, isn't that

a cute little guy?

[ zoom! ]

oh. Well,

there goes your stick, bill.

But it doesn't matter.

We know there's syrup

in that thing,

so we just take a pipe

with a valve on the end,

and bill drives it in here.

Whoa!

He'll be back, but he won't be

swinging the hammer

with me holding her,

I'll tell you that.

So, I drive her in.

He hangs the bucket on.

You just open the valve

and watch the syrup

just flow, flow.

Oh, my gosh.

Eh, what do we do now, bill?

Well, bill's never short

of an idea.

Not a good idea, but an idea.

He's got the tensor bandage

there for all of his injuries.

He starts unwinding that

off his leg,

and I believe that goes

right up to his armpits.

I'm not gonna help him.

You notice that.

And he starts winding

that around the tree real tight

so there's tension on there.

I'm awful glad people don't walk

along when we're doing this.

They might have some

embarrassing questions for us.

Now he opens up --

oh, my gosh.

Too much pressure!

Too much pressure!

Turn it down, bill!

Turn it down!

Get the waffles!

Get the waffles!

Get the waffles!

Bill, get the waf--

bill, forget your jacket.

Get the waffles!

Might as well

get the syrup on there.

There you go. There you go.

There you go.

And, wow, just

in the nick of time, too.

That's pretty well

drained dirt-dry, I guess.

And there's all the waffles

all done and everything.

Uh, no thanks, bill.

I'll -- I'll feed mine

to the animals.

Stay tuned for special guest

graham greene

in his most explosive role.

Winston rothschild here

for rothschild sewage

and septic sucking services,

where our motto is

"waste not, pump not!"

1-800-555-suck.

[ thunk ]

ha! Okay. I got -- I got a memo

here from, uh, stinky peterson.

It says, "to all members

of possum lodge,

"please stop calling me

'stinky.'

I'm sick of it."

well, good for you, stinky --

uh, mr. Peterson.

Sorry.

Ha!

"my -- my new nickname

is 'aromatic.'"

[ rattling ]

well, now, that was a humdinger.

I love the way the storm

clears the air.

No more paint fumes

or diesel fumes.

Oh, harold, I forgot to ask.

How are your chickens?

[ crying ]

you know as well as I do

they flew the coop!

Luckily,

the coop flew, too.

Well, I found it

nine miles down the highway.

Who says chickens

can't fly, eh, harold?

All the little feathers

were blowing off.

Somersaulted into town!

Now you won't have to

scramble their eggs.

My rhode island red --

rhode island red

caught under a tree!

Little, tiny

chicken mcnuggets.

So...

Yeah, I heard, harold.

That's too bad.

You know, and -- and the tall

pine tree went down,

the big one that's been in town

for so darn long there.

It fell over like a relative

at an open bar.

That's terrible! That tree's

a part of our heritage.

Well, right now

that pine tree

has the highway

completely closed.

Life in possum lake

has ground to a halt.

How can you tell

the difference?

Well, harold, it's given us

the opportunity

to have

a chainsaw party.

6 hours

and 130 decibels from now,

the highway will be open

and everybody will have enough

firewood to last the winter.

Coming, harold?

No. I'm just gonna go look

for my last chicken.

Well, you know, it's probably

under the pine tree,

like in that joke, "why did

the pine tree cross the road?

To get

to the other chicken.'

[ tires screech ]

okay.

Here's one now

from moose thompson.

Moose writes,

"I'm tired of my nickname.

"it makes me sound

big and dumb and stupid.

"so, everyone, stop calling me

moose thompson.

My new nickname

is moose johnson."

[ bear growls ]

we're up here

with our friend ranger gord.

Hi, red.

Hi, everyone.

I miss you.

Okay. All right, gord.

What are you doing today?

Making party

invitations, red,

because I realized

that people aren't showing up

for my get-togethers

here at the fire tower

because of the bland, ordinary

invitations I'm sending out.

Well, it may not be

that big of a factor.

Sure, it is.

Sure, it is.

You know, I mean, because

who doesn't like femo parties

or sleepovers, huh?

So, I thought that,

after the chainsaw party,

we could all come up here

and I could build a big bonfire

and tell the story

about the history

of possum pine.

Boy, they'll be scalping tickets

for that one, won't they?

Oh, yeah.

[ laughs ]

and take a look

at this invitation.

Is that groovy or what?

There's nothing written

on this card.

[ laughs ] gotcha.

See? This is

good camp fun.

Even the kids

can get in on this gag.

It's written

in invisible ink,

and all you need

is some lemon juice

and a matchstick like this.

See?

And then you write you out

your invitation.

Oh, for gosh sakes.

See?

This is a far more

interesting invitation.

It's environmentally

friendly,

and it helps people

get into the spirit of the party

before they even get there.

It's true, and it won't stop

with invisible invitations.

I'm guessing you're gonna have

invisible guests, too.

Great. They can meet

all my other invisible friends.

[ tires screech ]

and, finally, there's one

from my uncle red.

"I'm tired of being called

red green.

"from now on, I want to be

called an unpronounceable symbol

that represents the singer

who used to be called prince."

[ buzzing ]

and welcome to "the experts"

portion of the show.

This week, claiming to be

an expert with my uncle red,

is mr. Edgar k.B. Montrose!

[ applause ]

all righty.

This week's letter

is from "butt," montana.

That's pronounced

"butte," harold.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Wa-a-a!

They moved. Now they're living

in butte, montana.

"dear experts, one

of the casement-style windows

"in our dining room

is stuck shut.

What's the best way

to get it sliding again?"

well, you've just probably

painted her shut there.

You got to cut that through with

a razor blade or a sharp knife.

That's pretty

labor-intensive, red.

Maybe the window's stuck

'cause the house is settling.

You see, when a house gets

to be, say, 40 years old,

it settles

and sags and buckles.

I've been there.

You're still there.

Well, in that case,

you take apart

a couple of .22 shells, you see,

and you pour the powder

into the corner of the frame,

and -- swoom! --

You can pop that window

out of there in no time flat.

That -- that sounds

pretty dangerous.

Huh?

Dangerous!

It sounds dangerous!

Oh, no, no, harold.

It's not so dangerous.

For some reason, "dynamite"

is one of those expressions

that scares people,

like, uh -- like "nerve gas."

so, would you blow out

the one window, edgar,

or all the windows?

Well, if you're gonna

take out more than one,

you're further ahead just

to take out the whole house.

15 charges all the way

around the perimeter,

a double right in the middle

of the cellar floor,

and you can make

that 3-bedroom bungalow

get up and do a jig.

Wouldn't our viewer have to

rebuild his whole house, though?

So?

If you plant

your charges properly,

when you blow up your house,

your brick and your wood

and your plumbing

all land

in three separate piles.

[ rattling ]

well, there's nothing

I hate worse

than canceling a chainsaw party.

We just tooted our horns,

put on our hats,

were ready to go there.

Old man sedgwick yells out,

"whoa! The hips are seized up!

"got another storm coming!"

my chickens!

Oh, no! My chickens!

No, no.

Harold, harold, harold!

It was just a false alarm.

Wasn't a storm.

Turns out he has

a medical problem.

Wasn't the weather at all.

Talk about thoughtless.

Well, he ought to think about

having a hip replacement.

Well, that's exactly

what he's doing.

He's over at possum county

hospital right now

having

the hip replacement.

I thought

they would need a donor,

but I guess they're gonna use

a couple of ball joints

out of an old buick

or something.

No, uncle red, they're made out

of plastic with teflon coating.

They're excellent.

My english teacher

had his hips replaced,

and he felt

so much better, you know.

Two weeks later, he went skiing,

broke both his legs.

Well, we don't need

old man sedgwick to feel better.

We need him

to feel weather.

Well, maybe the lodge

can come out of the dark ages

and buy, like,

say, a barometer.

No, we don't need it,

harold.

We're gonna get

old man sedgwick's hips.

The doctor's gonna give them

to us after he takes them out.

We're gonna use them as hinges

on the outhouse door.

Oh! Oh!

And if you go out there

and you pull on the door

and she feels stiff to you,

you know

you're in for stormy weather.

[ screeching ]

oh, it's meeting time,

uncle red.

Oh, oh, that reminds me --

buster hadfield found

a bunch of your chickens

had survived the storm.

They're all wedged

into the soccer net

over at the schoolyard.

Oh, excellent!

My chickens?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my chickens!

If my wife is watching,

I'm gonna be a little bit late

'cause I'm gonna drop by

the hospital

and wish old man sedgwick

the best of luck

with the hip-replacement thing,

and while I'm there,

I might just browse through

the hospital parts department,

you know, for future reference.

And to the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching,

and on behalf

of harold and myself

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

until next time,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all rise. All rise.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Uncle red, we've had a complaint

from peg-leg johnson.

To find out more

about possum lodge merchandise,

call 1-800-ypossum

or check out harold's home page

on the internet,

www.Redgreen.Com.