The Stool Pigeons/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Stool Pigeons

Intro
''{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}''

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! And now, please help welcome a man who knows all the nuts and bolts, 'cause he's a bit of each himself, your host, your hero, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

{Red enters the lodge, waving, as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: By golly! {gesturing toward Harold} And this here is Harold, my producer and director and nephew.

''{Harold plays his switcher. The screen cuts back and forth between them to several transitional effects. In addition, the color changes briefly and the screen distorts briefly, too.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

HAROLD GREEN: I like to cut, wipe, dolly and zoom squeeze frame!

RED GREEN: Let's hope he's talking about television terms there. Kind of a quiet week up at the lodge this week.

HAROLD GREEN: No! No way, it wasn't! There's lots to talk about, like, crime! And plenty of it, too. Yeah! We got thieves among us, Uncle Red! A-A-And bullies.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, somebody steal your lunch again?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes! And I know who it was, too. Oh, I do, I do. It's Buster Hadfield's kid. What a punk!

RED GREEN: Buster Hadfield's kid? You mean Susie?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, her, she's a punk! Not fair at all!

RED GREEN: Harold, you don't even know it's her. Just because your lunch is missing out of your locker, doesn't mean Susie took it.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I know it was her. I'm walking through the cafeteria, right? And just walking along, and I'm looking for, you know, somebody to let me sit with them. And, all of a sudden, {holds hands out} I got my lunch hanging in my hands, and she walks right up and grabs it and keeps on walking. I mean, what can I do? I couldn't– You can't hit her.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no! Harold! You don't ever hit anyone, because they can hit you back, and you'd fold up like a deck chair.

HAROLD GREEN: I know that. Person's got to do something, though.

RED GREEN: Well...

HAROLD GREEN: Y'know, it's each individual's responsibility to stop crime. That's why I'm going to tell the principal. Haw!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, get an all-points bulletin going there.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah.

RED GREEN: What was in the lunch anyway?

HAROLD GREEN: Three sardine sandwiches and a pomegranate.

RED GREEN: {scratches neck} Well, you better tell the cops to treat her as armed and dangerous. {turns to leave as Harold plays switcher}

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Red, who has accidentally set two refrigerators, duct-taped together, on fire. He runs off.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Got kind of an apocalyptic show for you this week. Uh, got a little bit of fire there.

{Cut to inside the lodge, as Harold enters wearing a different outfit: a Hawaiian shirt, shorts with different stripes on it, and a baseball cap with a stuffed pigeon on top.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} That would be pestilence, I would think, in a big way.

{Cut to Red, who is suddenly sprayed with silly string by Bill.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And we have an assault with a friendly weapon, so stay tuned.

Plot Segment 2
RED GREEN: {hands on hips} Well, y'know, there's a lot of good thing about living in an area like Possum Lake, where everybody knows everybody. You don't get a lot of adultery when everybody is your cousin.

''{Red blinks his eyes repeatedly. The front door opens and Harold runs in, quite upset.}''

HAROLD GREEN: There's no justice!

RED GREEN: What?

HAROLD GREEN: No justice! The system's completely breaking down! There's no protection of individual rights! Oh, no! Crime is running rampant! {suddenly shakes hand in pain} Oww! Okay, you know what happens? I go right into the principal's office, right, to report my– my, uh, lunch theft.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: While I'm in there, someone steals my running shoes!

RED GREEN: It's probably Susie. You need running shoes when the sardines kick in.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you mock this, but this is just the tip of the iceberg, I'm telling you. You know what? In the big cities, right? In the big cities, right? The big cities, right, they've got, like, murders every time, and then there's, like, fires and arson and– and gang wars going on all over the place. It's just a matter of time before it's here in Possum Lake. ''{points and wags his finger at Red} Haw! {nods}'' Yeah, yeah. {gestures outside with his thumb} It's a pressure cooker out there, I'm telling you, and when it blows... BOOM! {throws arms out} Beans everywhere!

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: I will not stand for it, Uncle Red! I will not!

RED GREEN: You know, Harold, you should just kind of relax a little bit, you know. This might just kind of be a hormone build-up that teenagers get when they don't date.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Boy, you've got a good memory.

''{Red stares and looks around, somewhat confused. The audience applauds.}''

RED GREEN: You know, the sad thing is, your generation doesn't have a war where they can go off to a foreign country and blow off some steam.

HAROLD GREEN: I'm telling you, I am telling you, it starts with stealing lunches and stealing shoes, and then there's car stealing, and the running numbers. Well, we're not going to take it anymore. We're starting a neighborhood watch! Haw! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! And we're setting up a snitch line, so you can phone in, and you can snitch on people. Yup, we're gonna march up and down the streets, making sure that law and order is preserved in our community.

RED GREEN: Who's this "we"? The "we", who's "we"?

HAROLD GREEN: Me and Tommy Dougal.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, you know Tommy. He's got the bad skin and the motor scooter. Tommy. Yeah, and Chubby Dickson, him, too.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: The three of us.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: There's safety in numbers.

RED GREEN: Yeah. Those are pretty odd numbers. {turns to leave}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Possum Lodge Word Game!

''{Harold laughs. The camera pulls back to Red and Dalton Humphrey sitting at the card table. Harold walks up, holding a bunch of file folders in his hand.}''

HAROLD GREEN: And what's this week's grand prize? Well, if you've ever thought of owning your very own Ford Convertible Mustang, well, then you probably have a lot of sales brochures, and now you can keep those sales brochures organized in these five free file folders! {Red sways his head in annoyance as Harold laughs again} File folders made available by The Home Despot, your home and office supplier. {to Red} Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Dalton Humphrey {drops folders; Dalton covers his ears} to say this word... {picks up word sign and shows it off} "Hand". "Hand". {sets sign down} Go!

RED GREEN: {waves} Yeah, all right. Uh, Dalton, this is something you have two of... {Dalton stares and glances briefly toward Harold in confusion} Okay, no, no, all right. Um... {tries to think} Okay, okay, you go out for a walk with your wife, and you hold...

DALTON HUMPHREY: My temper.

RED GREEN: Okay, okay, your wife is feeling affectionate. She reaches over and takes your...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Wallet.

RED GREEN: All right, let's say your wife is planning a fancy dinner–

DALTON HUMPHREY: K.F.C.!

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} That's good.

RED GREEN: Let's go another way. Okay, when somebody gets angry at somebody, they will hit him with a firm...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Paternity suit!

HAROLD GREEN: You're running out of time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Five fingers...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Five angry drivers!

RED GREEN: {holds up his hand to Dalton; thumb is heavily bandaged} Dalton, what's this?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Liver spots.

RED GREEN: Come on!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {points to Red's bandaged thumb} Hammer injury!

RED GREEN: Right. And why do I have a hammer injury?

DALTON HUMPHREY: One hand doesn't know what the other one is doing!

RED GREEN: There we go!

''{Red leans forward to ring the bell, ending the game. Harold bends down and picks up the folders to give to Dalton. Dalton is confused and looks at the word sign and becomes frustrated when he realizes what the word is. He doesn't see Harold hand out the folders to him at first. But when he does, he takes them.}''

Handyman Corner
''{On a worktable outside the lodge, a microwave is heard beeping as it finishes its cooking time. A Betamax VCR is on top of the microwave. Behind them is the Handyman Corner sign. Red reaches out and pushes a button to open the door. The door springs open and knocks the Handyman Corner sign down on the ground.}''

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, {takes coffee cup out of microwave} I thought I'd show you how your kitchen can almost be as much fun as your workshop. You know, a lot of the famous chefs are men. You know, you see them on TV. You know that guy, uh... Well the fat guy. And that other fella... The loud one, the loud guy. And, uh, there's that– there's that drunk guy. Well, think of all the fat, loud, drunk guys you know. Huh? They could be chefs. And if you like the tools, {closes microwave door} they could double as kitchen utensils: {holds up ice scraper} spatula, {holds up hammer} garlic press, {holds up chainsaw} electric food slicer, {holds up hammer again} walnut crusher, {holds up a pair of pliers} bottle opener, {holds up hammer yet again} stubborn bottle opener, {holds up a pair of screwdrivers} meat skewers, {holds up hammer one more time} meat tenderizer, and so on, you know? But if you're going to use the same tools in the kitchen that you do in the garage, you might want to clean them off first. You don't want food on your car. And if you like power tools, why not have power kitchen appliances, eh? Look what I've done here. See what this is? {taps Betamax on top of microwave} This is my old Betamax. Now, I didn't just throw it in the garbage or give it to my grandma, like most of you do. No, I hooked her up to the microwave. Why? Well, I'll show you. {opens microwave door} When I want to heat up, say, a bowl of my soup here, {puts a bowl of soup on worktable into microwave} I just put her into the microwave, close her up, {closes door} and I just press "play" for a few seconds. {pushes play button on Betamax, turning on microwave} That should get her. {pushes stop button, turning off microwave, then opens up microwave to take out soup} Got a new kind of TV dinner I've got going here. {takes out bowl of soup} That looks good, doesn't it? But maybe some of you like to have your soup even hotter than that? Put her back in, {puts back in microwave and closes door} close her up, and hit the "fast forward" on that. {pushes fast forward button on Betamax, which makes chipmunk-like fast forward sounds} You know, if you have food allergies, you might just want to get a head cleaner tape in there. {pauses briefly} And that should get her.

''{Red pushes the stop button, turning off the fast forward on the Betamax. He opens up the microwave door again. A plume of steam from the soup, now hotter than ever, billows out.}''

RED GREEN: All right. {reaches out to take bowl, but suddenly withdraws in pain} Oh! Boy, that's hot! Well, no problem. {closes door again} We'll just leave it in there and just hit "rewind"; cool her down a little bit. {pushes rewind button on Betamax briefly, then pushes stop again} That should do it.

''{Red opens the door again, but now the bowl of soup is frozen solid. He takes it out and looks at it.}''

RED GREEN: Oh... All right, I-I may have cooled that a little too much. But you get the general idea. {puts bowl back in microwave again} I'll tell you another beauty of this unit here. {closes door} When you want to get the stuff out of the oven, you just hit the "eject" button.

''{Red pushes the eject button. The microwave door flies open and the bowl of soup is flung out. It hits something offscreen, causing someone to yelp.}''

RED GREEN: {calling out} Soup's on, Harold! {looks back into camera} Actually, soup's on Harold. {chuckles; rubs hands together} Okay, this brings me to the next thing for the handyman's kitchen: your oven cleaner/freezer defroster.

''{Red walks up to an oven and a freezer. On top of the oven are a roll of duct tape and a can of oven cleaner.}''

RED GREEN: Now, what you need for that is a can of oven cleaner, roll of duct tape, a dirty oven, and a frosty freezer. Okay, first thing, make sure they're all facing up.

{Red takes the duct tape and cleaner, then knocks over the freezer and oven so that the doors are facing up.}

RED GREEN: Okay, now what you want to do is, {opens freezer door} put your oven cleaner into the freezer. That's right, into the freezer. {sprays cleaner into freezer} That's what I said. You heard me right. Soak her in there real good. Now, what you want to do is, to get your freezer {closes freezer door} up on top of your dirty oven.

''{Red walks around to the side of the freezer and pushes on it, grunting with effort. He tips it up, briefly opening the door in the process.}''

RED GREEN: Who makes these things so darn heavy?

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has placed the freezer on top of the oven.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, this is a very important point: make sure that the door is open on the freezer and on the oven.

''{Red then looks at the freezer and oven and notices that their doors are closed. He becomes frustrated.}''

RED GREEN: Man...!

''{Red pushes the freezer off of the oven. Wipe again. Red has put the freezer on top of the oven again. But this time, he has opened the freezer door and knocked off the oven door so that now both are open in toward one another. He is kneeling down next to the two appliances on top of one another. The roll of duct tape is on top of the freezer.}''

RED GREEN: There we go. {wipes hands together} It kinda looks like they're mating, doesn't it? {gets back up} I guess that's where microwave ovens come from. {takes the roll of duct tape} All right. This is where the duct tape comes in. {shows it off; it's much wider than usual} Have you ever seen duct tape this size? That's the relaxed fit. Okay, what you want to do is, make this completely airtight here. You wanna have a perfect seal. That's why I put the oven cleaner inside the freezer. {pulls off some duct tape} I didn't want to hurt the seal. {amused} I'll have the Greenpeace people after me. {chuckles} Seal... Greenpeace... {chuckles again} Who needs writers?

''{Red puts the pulled-out duct tape on the gap between the freezer and the oven and runs it across there. Wipe to a later scene. Red has covered the freezer and oven with duct tape from top to bottom. He stoops down as he finishes up.}''

RED GREEN: All right, the cautious handyman always uses ten times as much tape as he thinks is necessary. {stands back up} That's funny, eh? Sometimes you look at something, and you can't believe you built that with your own hands. Your parents will know what I'm talking about. All right, now, all you have to do is turn the oven on high, {turns on oven knob} and that's all there is to it, really. {the sound of hissing is heard inside the freezer-oven combo} Now, the way the rig works is the heat of the oven goes up and melts the ice in the freezer, and then the melted ice – or, water, as I like to call it – that mixes with the oven cleaner, and it just flows right down into the oven.

''{Suddenly, the heat and water hiss even louder, and smoke starts to waft out from the gap in between the oven and freezer. Red becomes concerned.}''

RED GREEN: Oh! Okay, duct tape. Okay, don't panic! Just stay calm there. Just get the duct tape off there.

''{Red reaches out to remove the duct tape. But suddenly, he recoils as flames leap from the gap in between the freezer and oven!}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, usually, I would say, "If the women don't find you handsome, they should find at least find you handy," but I'm thinking this week, I'm gonna say... if you can't stand the kitchen, get out of the heat! {runs off as the fire in the freezer-oven combo rages out of control}

Midlife
RED GREEN: I want to talk to you older types about modern art. Now, I know the artist is supposed to suffer for his art, but there's gotta be a limit here. I got dragged out to one of them modern art museums. I hung up my coat, and turns out the coat rack was actually a piece of art symbolizing man's dynamic symmetry. Now, I don't know how man's dynamic symmetry can be symbolized by a nail in a wall, but that apparently means I'm insensitive. They had this other thing, just blotches of paint on canvas. That was supposed to be art, too. They had a big statue made out of bird droppings. And they had a picture of a can of soup. Like, how are we supposed to know if it's good art if we don't even know if it's art? Here's a simple rule I use: if I can do it, it's not art. {nods} Oh, yeah. See, I can finger paint, so that's not art. I can chant, I can stand still, I can sneeze into a piece of paper. None of that stuff is art. So I'm warning you modern artists out there: either you stop doing stuff I can do, or I'll start doing stuff you can do. And then, believe me, everybody's gonna suffer for my art. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{Harold sits at a small desk in the middle of the main room, talking on a phone.}

HAROLD GREEN: Hello, Possum snitch line. Do you want to snitch on someone? {pause} Ha! Excellent! Excellent. All right, who? Who? {another pause; becomes upset} I do not! No, I do not! No! No, no, my mum says I haven't done that since I was nine years old. Well, she would know. She does the laundry. {Red enters the lodge, holding a toolbox} Yeah, okay, and by the way, it's not a crime, it's a condition.

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, I see your snitch line is bringing out the best in people.

HAROLD GREEN: We got some calls. We got some calls. {looks at notepad, on which he had been taking notes} Yeah, we got one from Old Lady Benkman. Her cat has been missing. {pause} Since 1983. Moose Thompson called. Someone stole his Gremlin.

RED GREEN: Mm-hmm...

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, he said if anyone returns it, he'll have them arrested. {looks at notepad again and walks up to Red} Oh, here's an interesting one. Flinty McClintock called.

RED GREEN: Yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: Someone stole his toolbox.

RED GREEN: Oh, really?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah.

RED GREEN: Wow. You know, Harold, I thought you were going to be walking the streets with this, not by the phone here, like JoJo's Psychic Alliance or something or other.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, we are, we are, we are. It's just that Chubby's mom is still working on our crimefighting outfits, you know?

RED GREEN: Oh, boy...

HAROLD GREEN: I'm hoping they're going to use those big drapes in their front window. They're so cool! Yeah! If she uses the drapes, then I can walk up and use our slogan and say, "It's curtains for criminals!"

RED GREEN: Oh, man, Harold. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, don't say it out loud unless you're tired of those teeth.

HAROLD GREEN: I was just gonna go over there now for a fitting, you know. While– Whilst I'm on my way over...

RED GREEN: Yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: ...maybe I can return that toolbox to Flinty for you.

RED GREEN: {holding up toolbox} Oh, this? Oh, is this Flinty's? {looks at toolbox closely} You know, I think so.

HAROLD GREEN: Ohhh!

RED GREEN: {handing toolbox to Harold} Yeah, you know, Harold, thank you, Harold. {Harold takes it} Appreciate it. Appreciate it.

HAROLD GREEN: {scowls at his uncle} You should be ashamed of yourself. {turns to leave}

RED GREEN: Well, I used to be, but since I had you as a nephew, nothing bothers me.

{Red walks over to the phone on Harold's desk and dials a number.}

RED GREEN: Hello, Flinty? Yeah, I think Harold's got your toolbox.

HAROLD GREEN: {running back in, yelling} Uncle Red, I heard that!

{Red holds up his hands defensively.}

RED GREEN: All right, fine. {hangs up}

Plot Segment 4
RED GREEN: Well, Harold, Tommy and Chubby are out there, {gestures behind himself with his thumb} roaming the streets. Amateurs and immatures. I call them The Three Dorkateers. They got the uniforms and everything. It's pretty sad, I've got to tell you. You've got to see...

''{The front door opens, and Harold runs in, wearing his uniform. It consists of a Hawaiian shirt, shorts with different stripes on it, and a baseball cap with a stuffed pigeon on top. The audience laughs and then cheers. Harold shows off his new look to his uncle, who stares, bewildered.}''

RED GREEN: That's, uh... That's– That's quite a look, Harold. {points to pigeon} The bird head is a nice touch. I'm guessing that's the only chick you'll get close to.

HAROLD GREEN: It's not just any bird either. That's a pigeon.

RED GREEN: Oh...

HAROLD GREEN: We call our crime fighting squadron, The Stool Pigeons.

RED GREEN: Stool pigeon? That's a medical term, isn't it, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {scratches neck} No. No, it reminds people to phone the authorities in the event of a criminal act, you know?

RED GREEN: Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, we're really reducing crime. Haw!

RED GREEN: I don't know, Harold. I look at you, I want to commit one.

HAROLD GREEN: You know why? You know why? You know why?

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: {points at Red} Because you were brought up in a violent society.

RED GREEN: Yeah, that's right.

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! Yeah, you're going to have to learn to fight that. And that's what we do, we stool pigeons. We offer people a remedy for, you know, for changing things and getting out there and– and having a nonviolent way of remedying and keeping peace in the society.

RED GREEN: Wow. Harold, do you mind a little advice?

HAROLD GREEN: Not at all. Unlike yourself, I embrace change.

RED GREEN: Good. Go change.

HAROLD GREEN: No, I can't,because me and the other stool pigeons have got to patrol the streets. {makes a swooping motion like a bird} Yeah, we're going to swoop down from the skies and get a drop on crime!

RED GREEN: {pointing to Harold's shoes} Don't get any droppings on your shoes. {turns to leave}

The Experts
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show, that part of the show that we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say...

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs, then gives a double thumbs-up} Way excellent! {takes letter} Okay, all right, joining my Uncle Red on the Expert portion of the show this week is Mr. Winston Rothschild of the Rotshchild Sewage and Septic Sucking Services.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Where are motto is: "If your cup overflows, I'll be there with my hose."

{Red, looking rather disgusted, moves away from Winston a bit.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okey-dokey. {looks at letter} All right, this is our first letter. It's from Edna Kay, and it goes as follows: {reads} "Dear Experts: I want to go on a grand vacation. Should I travel across the sea or somewhere in North America?"

RED GREEN: All right, Edna, I would say stay with North America because you want to be able to drive home. I'll tell you, get into your third week of Czechoslovakian cheeseburgers, you're going to want to slide into the van and head west, baby.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, no, I gotta beg to differentiate with you, Red. Europe is where you want to go. That's where all the history is. That's where she all began.

RED GREEN: Where what all began?

HAROLD GREEN: Western civilization.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: That's right, yeah. Or, more specifically, sewage systems. Oh, yeah, you can still go see and visit the Ancient Roman sewage system; the famous Cloaca Maxima. Oh, yeah, I'll tell you, when you're looking down a toilet drain that was built in 580 B.C., it's almost like you're looking up the back end of your family tree.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know, maybe our viewer would like to go to Europe, you know, to visit museums and castles and see the sites, you know, where the turning points of history actually occurred.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Well, whatever, if that's your thing, you know. But how does that compare with seeing the home of– of Englishman Sir John Harrington, who in 1596 had the only water closet in the entire British Empire?

RED GREEN: Well, I bet he had a lineup, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: You know, well, Edna, I advise you go to Europe and go out and see things that aren't around here.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, for sure. Oh, France! You gotta go to France. Oh, yeah, you've gotta see– You've gotta see the bathroom graffiti in Versailles. Oh, yeah, that's where, in Marie Antoinette's own handwriting, it says, "Let them eat cake, but go easy on the bran muffins." {Red stares and shakes his head}

Plot Segment 5
''{Red and Harold enter the lodge. Harold is wearing his Stool Pigeons uniform, but he is not able to stand up very well, so Red holds his nephew's arm for him to keep him up. Harold and his clothes are all dirty and tattered, too. His glasses are askew and the stuffed pigeon on his helmet is out of alignment.}''

RED GREEN: You know, Harold, sometimes your– your ideas border on a death wish. You know that, eh?

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, those kids didn't mean any harm. They were just having fun. Haw...

RED GREEN: What were you Stool Pigeons doing up by the main highway anyhow?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, we got this call that Old Man Sedgewick was up there kicking stones at passing cars, so we went to check it out.

RED GREEN: What was that about?

HAROLD GREEN: Old Man Sedgewick was up there kicking stones at passing cars. But then these tough guys came along and said they were going to beat us up, and chubby speaks right up, and he says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you guys are just all talk!", which we now know was a mistake to say.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: But then, you know what happened then? Susie came by and she says, "Hey, you toughs! Don't be hitting Harold as hard as the others!" {giggles and smiles} I think she loves me...

RED GREEN: Love hurts, doesn't it, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} Today, yes.

RED GREEN: Yes, yes.

HAROLD GREEN: But you know what's great? You know, I think she just took my lunch to get my attention.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah, she stole it to take my attention.

RED GREEN: Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: And then she stole my heart.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy. Well, if she likes sardines, you might have a chance.

HAROLD GREEN:

{Suddenly, the "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's meeting time.

RED GREEN: {pointing toward basement} Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. I'll be down in a minute. {Harold groans in pain as he turns} Away you go. {Harold runs unevenly down the basement stairs} Take it easy for now. {turns to camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. Looks like Harold may have found a little bit of puppy love, and if it goes any farther than that, I'm gonna tell you right now: I don't want any of the pups. {to audience} To the rest of you, thanks for watching. And on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, {waves} keep your stick on the ice.

''{Red heads down the basement stairs. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold is at the front of the meeting, with everyone standing up. Red comes down the stairs.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, here he comes! Take your seats! He's here! He's here.

{Everyone sits down as Red takes his place at the front of the meeting.}

HAROLD GREEN: All rise.

{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando omni flunkus moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits back down}

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at clipboard} Okay, we just have one announcement tonight. Actually, it's a warning! And it's for all of us. If you're boating at night, watch out for the water ski jump. {beat} Yeah, no, seriously, because Stinky Peterson, he's going to be okay, but he's going to need help getting his boat off the church steeple. {raises hand} So, any volunteers? {no one else raises their hand} You gotta go really fast!