Floating Church/Transcript

The complete transcript for Floating Church

Opening Words
''{Text appears on screen: "Women enjoy church. Men enjoy Sundays." The sound of a fishing reel unwinding and hitting water is heard, followed by the reel being pulled in, while a man is heard yawning.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"Floating Church" appears} And now, here's the man who is a little bit country, a little bit city, and a great deal of fog, my uncle, your host, {pointing to front door} Red Green! Wahoo!

''{The door opens and Red, enters, all sopping wet. His hat is off, as he is wringing it out while waving to the camera.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, uh... Had a bit of a close call there, but, uh, {gives a thumbs-up} we're okey-dokey now. Stinky Peterson and I were out, just out fishing there, down where the Possum Lodge sewer outlet comes down there, and, uh, both of us looked away at exactly the same moment, and wouldn't you know? Eight million gallons of... whatever comes down there and knocked us out of the boat into the lake. We're okay now.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow! Were you killed?

RED GREEN: {looking down at himself} Do I look like I was killed?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. {Red shakes his head in frustration} Were you scared? I bet you were scared! Did you scream? You must have screamed. Did you scream like... {screams like a little girl while flailing his arms around} Like that? Did you scream like that? Did you scream like "ohhhh"? And then you got water and you go... {makes a gargling sound in his throat} 'Cause some guys– I bet you– Did your life flash before your eyes?

RED GREEN: {staring at Harold, annoyed} It is now!

Title sequence
''{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Red wearing a wetsuit, lying on his back upon a table and trying to shake jelly around inside the suit.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Well, this show's amazing. I'm gonna show you how to make a lifejacket out of jelly.

''{Cut to Ranger Gord giving Red a hug. They then salute each other.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Ranger Gord gets some special badges. Uh, congratulations.

{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game, where contestant Dalton Humphrey is storming around the room in frustration when he is unable to say "Job".}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Dalton looks for the missing word around here: "Job".

{Cut to Harold doing some kind of rap with his hands.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Harold tries... Well, I guess that's rap. Oh, man.

Plot Segment 2
{Red comes out from the basement, drying himself off with a towel.}

RED GREEN: There, that's better.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Uncle Red, you must have been some scared when you saw that wall of water coming at ya. Haw!

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Oh, man, Harold, I'm telling you, I screamed to Stinky. I said, "Stinky, if God gets us out of this one, I'll never miss church again." {lifts up hand} And then I felt this hand lift me up, and I saw a long tunnel with a light at the end, and I was– I was moving towards the light.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, you had an outer-body, near-death experience! Yes! Oh, yes, yes! I heard all about these on the Jojo's Psychic Alliance hotline. Yeah! Oh! You felt– You felt the hand of God, and you saw the gateway to the afterlife!

RED GREEN: No, Harold, I felt the hand of Moose Thompson's hand, and I saw the storm sewer to Possum Lodge. I walked out; I'm fine, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. I can't wait to see you at church.

RED GREEN: What are you talking about, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you said if God saved you, you'd go to church.

RED GREEN: Well, God didn't save me, Moose did.

HAROLD GREEN: Come on, Uncle Red. Moose was merely God's tool.

RED GREEN: Moose is everybody's tool, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head} No, no, no, no, no, no! You promised! You gotta go to church. You gotta go to church. Yeah, you gotta go to church. You gotta go to church. You said! If you don't, you'll turn into a pillar of salt or something! Haw!

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, you do go to church, and look what you turned into. I'll take my chances. {Harold plays his switcher}

The Experts
''{Harold, Red and Dalton Humphrey sit in the lodge around a table. Harold sits in a recliner while Red and Dalton sit in a two-person couch.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! And on this week's Expert portion of the show, we have two experts, one being my uncle, Red, and his good friend, Mr. Dalton Humphrey!

''{The audience and Harold applaud. Red and Dalton wave. Harold picks up an envelope and opens it. He takes out a folded letter and unfolds it.}''

HAROLD GREEN: This week's letter goes as follows: "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Dalton} Haw! "–My wife and I are going through a divorce – from each other." {Red looks around, concerned} "How can we equally divide up our stuff when we only have one good piece of furniture?"

RED GREEN: Well, the phrase "chainsaw" comes to mind.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, that's a– that's a tough problem. I know, 'cause about three weeks ago, my wife and I decided we'd be getting divorced.

RED GREEN: {shocked} What?! You and Anne-Marie are getting a divorce, are ya?!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, yeah. She wanted to wait 'til our daughter was twenty, and that happened last month, so after, uh... {sighs} After 14 years of marriage, she, uh, she moved out. Walked right out!

RED GREEN: Wow!

HAROLD GREEN: Sorry to hear that, Mr. Humphrey.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Don't worry about it, Harold. It's all right.

RED GREEN: Hey, Dalton, I'll tell you something: that is her loss. I'll tell ya, you're gonna find out that you're gonna be the lucky one now, 'cause I'll tell you something: most folks around here never liked her. You'd hear 'em saying, y'know, "Boy, oh, boy, how did he end up with that one? He'd be better off without her. She's holding him back." So don't you worry.

DALTON HUMPHREY: I had no idea that folks felt that way.

RED GREEN: Oh, man, I'm telling you, they just couldn't stand the sight of her. When they find out this thing has finally gone kaput, there's gonna be a big celebration, I'm telling you that.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, I wonder how they'll feel when they find out that she's gonna come back after a week and we reconciled, decided we loved each other.

{As Red tries to come up with the best words, Harold leans in close, smiling and listening intently.}

RED GREEN: Well... Just off the top of my head, I... I would imagine they'd be somewhat embarrassed about some of the things they'd said, and I would– I would– I would expect that they would owe you a fairly good-sized apology.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Who was it was saying that stuff?

RED GREEN: Uh, well, to be honest with you, it was mainly Harold.

{Harold reacts in shock and tries to protest.}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold joins in by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * Oh, plants shrivel up when you walk in the room.
 * People pull back when you're near.
 * Animals reel, fall down and go boom,
 * And the reason is perfectly clear.
 * You got halitosis.
 * It's not osmosis.
 * It ain't no bed of roses,
 * It's halitosis.
 * Eyes will water, friends will fall.
 * Halitosis is worse than having no breath at all.

Handyman Corner
''{Outside the lodge, Red holds up some life jackets. He walks up to a table with a pail of water and a bowl of jelly on it.}''

RED GREEN: I'll tell ya, when that wall of water knocked me out of the boat, I realized that the term "life preserver" is just a name, rather than a description of what something actually does, especially if you leave these things out in the weather for twenty years, or use 'em as boat fenders.

''{He tosses the jackets aside into a shed. It shatters some glass upon impact.}''

RED GREEN: So today, I'm gonna show you how to make yourself unsinkable because boys will be boys but that doesn't make them buoy... buoy... Boy, y'know, the things have... {becomes confused and scratches his neck} That was so smart when I thought about it. {walks up to table} Anyway, it doesn't matter. Okay, now, what I got here is a bowl of jelly, and I got a pail of water. What do you suppose I gonna do with these? Remember, this is a family show. All right, I'm gonna take the jelly, okay? Put a... {looks around in confusion} Thought there was a spoon around here. {reaches hand into bowl and takes out some jelly with his bare hands} Oh, well, never mind. Oh, boy... That brings back memories. That was the worst summer job I ever had. {looks up, slightly startled} Oh, sorry. All right, now, I'll drop this in the water, and watch what happens. {drops jelly in pail of water} See? The jelly floats, eh? Like fat. Like the way fat people float. I mean, Moose Thompson floats so high, he could get himself registered as a cruise ship. So the point is, if you pack yourself full of enough jelly, you'll be a floater. {picks up a wetsuit} All right, first thing you gotta do is, get into one of these here drysuits. These things keep out all water and moisture. They also keep it in, so make sure you drop in at the john before you hop into this unit.

''{A montage begins as Red tries to get into the wetsuit, legs first. Then he is seen hopping around, still having no luck getting them on. Then he tries to squeeze into one of the sleeves of the wetsuit and knocks over the table with the bowl of jelly and pail of water on it, spilling them on the ground. Finally, he succeeds in getting the wetsuit on him. Winded from his effort, he is clearly gasping for breath.}''

RED GREEN: That wasn't too bad. All right, now all we gotta do is, put the man-sized wetsuit over top. {picks up wetsuit hood} Oh, good.

''{The montage continues as Red struggles to put the upper half of the wetsuit over his top. He starts with the hood, which he tries to pull over his hat. Then he tries to put the sleeves on over his upper half. Then he is seen lying on top of the table, upright again, as he tries to put the upper wetsuit over his legs, grunting vigorously with the effort. But it's no good, as it suddenly snaps out of his grasp like a rubber band and flies offscreen, hitting something made of glass and breaking it. Defeated, Red turns to the camera.}''

RED GREEN: All right, forget the wetsuit. {holds up index finger} I got a better idea.

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red is now wearing a yellow slicker over his wetsuit. He has covered up the ends with duct tape. On the table now are two bags of jelly powder. He is just putting on a little more duct tape and then puts it on the table.}''

RED GREEN: Y'know, a rain suit is water-tight. All you gotta do is just, uh, seal the seams with the duct tape, the cuffs and so on, and, uh... heck, you're as good as making it happen. Now comes the fun part, all right? {takes a bag of jelly powder} What you want to do is get yourself a whole whack of jelly powder. Figure on one cup of powder for every ten pounds of body weight, all right? And, uh, what you want to do is {opens up rain suit} to pull the rain suit away from the dry suit and then you just want to pour the powder in between. And try to pick a flavor of jelly that, uh, matches your skin color, 'cause there may be some leakage here.

''{Red pours some of the jelly powder into his rain suit. The powder wafts out, causing him to cough. Wipe to a later scene. He has finished putting the powder into his rain suit, although some of it has spilled out on the ground. He looks down at the ground to see the pile of wasted powder there.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, maybe I should have put that in there with an insulation blower, but we're on a budget. All right, now, all's you do is add the water. {bends down and takes a garden hose} This is pretty self-explanatory, although it's hard to explain to people passing by.

''{Red sprays the water from the hose into his rain suit. Wipe to a later scene. He is now more bulged out than before.}''

RED GREEN: All right, now, all's you gotta do is, uh, mix the water with the jelly powder.

''{Another montage begins as Red tries to mix the powder with the water. First, Red jumps around in the rain suit, causing the water to slosh around. Next, he lies on top of the table, shaking around there to mix the water further. Then he leans against the table, swaying his body back and forth. Then he jumps around some more. Finally, he squeezes his bulged-out suit, which makes a squeaking sound. The table has been overturned.}''

RED GREEN: There you go. You're set. You're unsinkable. So, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. You'll find me fishing.

''{Red turns and starts walking stiffly, the water and jelly sloshing and squelching. Red laughs.}''

RED GREEN: Do I look sober?

Commercial bumper
{Harold freaks out to a handful of worms being put in his hand by Red and runs around in a panic.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} You can tell a lot about people from how they react to a handful of worms. Stay tuned.

Plot Segment 3
{Red enters the lodge, holding a handful of worms.}

RED GREEN: Well, we're all set to go fishing this Sunday. We're all pretty excited. {waves Harold over} C'mon over, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {coming up} Oh, Uncle Red, I got great news–

RED GREEN: {waving dismissively} No, no, no, no, no, no time for that. Stick your hand out, stick your hand out, stick your hand out. {Harold does so and Red puts worms in it} Those are for you, Harold. You know, you can save money when you buy worms in bulk.

''{As Red wipes his hands together, Harold suddenly screams his head off at the thought of holding so many worms in his hand. He runs back and forth, shrieking. Red recoils as Harold reaches his hand back out for Red to take them back. Red does so in confusion.}''

RED GREEN: All right, all right, all right, all right. {Harold calms down} Suit yourself, I'll take 'em, that's fine, that's fine.

HAROLD GREEN: You can't go fishing this Sunday; you're gonna be in church.

RED GREEN: {chuckles} Sorry, Harold, but come Sunday, you're gonna find me out on the lake.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, see, that's part of my exciting news. Haw! We're having our very first floating church service this Sunday! {giggles} We're all gonna meet, tie the boats together, and have a service in the middle of the lake.

RED GREEN: Well, I wouldn't mind sitting in a pew if it had a 200-horsepower outboard on the back.

HAROLD GREEN: All righty, so I will see you in church on Sunday. {giggles}

RED GREEN: {putting worms back in Harold's hand} I guess I won't need these, then. {turns to leave}

HAROLD GREEN: {freaking out again} Oh, no! {Red looks over his shoulder, amused at Harold's reaction} Don't! Don't give– {screams}

Visit With Buzz Sherwood
''{Red and Buzz stand on a pier by the edge of the lake. Buzz is wearing a scuba mask, water skis and a parachute pack. He is apparently in pain as he is doubled over.}''

RED GREEN: For those of you looking for somebody on the cutting edge of safety, look no further than Buzz Sherwood.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {putting his hand on Red's shoulder} Hey, chubby Red guy. {looks into camera} And Harold!

RED GREEN: All right, Buzz, let's talk safety, huh?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: All right, let's talk safety. Let's talk to the guys that think they're wimping out when they're saying they're hurt. I say it's okay to say uncle. My aunt taught me that.

RED GREEN: All right, there you go. See, it takes a big man to admit that he needs help.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, yeah! Take me, for example. We're out on the water, horsing around. I've hurt myself. I need to go to the hospital. I'm not too proud to admit it.

RED GREEN: Oh, my gosh! What were you doing?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: We were trying this new thing out. We call it white-water para-air-skiing.

RED GREEN: Wow! Sounds dangerous, Buzz.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Well, we're starting to think so, too.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: See, what you do is, you strap on a pair of skis behind the plane. Tows you out on the lake and up 5,000 feet. {holds up strap release and clicks it a few times} Then you pull this release here, and... and you drop, but not before you pull your para-sail out, and you glide around the lake for a while, and then you release that...

RED GREEN: Yeah...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: ...at 100 feet, and you fall into Mercury Creek rapids.

RED GREEN: Boy, I can't believe a person could get hurt doing something like that.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, go figure, huh? I think it's when I banked off the beaver dam or something. That might have done it. Starting to black out a little bit. I need to go get some x-rays, so... safety first.

RED GREEN: {looking behind Buzz} Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

''{Red reaches behind Buzz and pulls something off of him. Buzz groans as Red pulls it off. It's a log, presumably from the beaver dam that Buzz was talking about.}''

RED GREEN: That might be part of your problem right there.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {looks at log} Oh! {feels around himself and becomes ecstatic} Oh, yeah!

RED GREEN: You all right?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Red, I'm cured! {throws arms out} You cured me! This is great! {calls out} Hey, Bill, fire it up! I'm gonna go again! {the sound of an airplane is heard}

RED GREEN: Whoa!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Safety first! {walks off on water skis}

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: YAHOO!

The Possum Lodge Word Game
{Harold walks up to Red and Dalton at the card table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, this is the big one! It's for the grand cash prize of... {pulls a sock out of his pocket and shakes it; coins are heard clinking inside} about 45 cents or so! {Dalton tries to reach for the money in the sock, but Harold pulls it away} Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to make Mr. Humphrey say this word... {holds up a sign with the word "Job" on it and mouths the word; sets sign down} Go! {snatches up stopwatch}

RED GREEN: All right, Dalton, this is something that your daughter does not have.

DALTON HUMPHREY: A clue?

RED GREEN: Something she doesn't have. Just think about it.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {slightly annoyed} A life? Money of her own? Ambition? Decent friends? A car? She'd like a car, but I'm not gonna be buying it for her!

RED GREEN: {holds up both hands} That's fine, that's fine...

DALTON HUMPHREY: {getting more agitated} How about some self-esteem, huh? {points to Red} How about the desire to get off that couch once in a while? How about the prospects for a decent husband instead of that Neanderthal she's been dating?! {really agitated now} How about just ONE CLUE about what to do with the rest of her life?! Gah! {gets up from his seat, clearly agitated} HOW ABOUT A JOB?!?

{Suddenly, Dalton having said the word "job", Red leans forward and rings the bell, ending the game.}

HAROLD GREEN: There you go! Congratulations! {hands Dalton the sock with the 45 cents in it} Here's the money! {Dalton stares at the sock, then walks off with it}

Red's Handyman Tips
''{Red holds up a hammer. Several records are stacked on the worktable in front of him.}''

RED GREEN: You know, there are so many uses for the common everyday hammer, you have to list them alphabetically.

{He holds the records and smashes them, one at a time, with his hammer, while saying...}

RED GREEN: "A" for "ABBA", "B" for "Bee Gees", "C" for "Captain and Tenille"...

Plot Segment 4
RED GREEN: {entering the lodge} Well, I'll tell ya, this floating church service got everybody all excited. Stinky Peterson wants {raises arm upright} to stick a canoe up on its end like that so we got a steeple thing pointing out of the lake. And, uh, Junior Singleton said if we poured gasoline over the whole thing there, {spreads arms out in a waving motion} you get kind of the colors, like a– like a stained glass... lake, really, is what it is. {rubs hands together; turns to Harold} Who's the minister at this winding, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, the Reverend Garth – very, very progressive. {nods}

RED GREEN: {confused} The guy with three ex-wives and the live-in girlfriend?

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up to Red} Oh, yeah, yeah! But he's just keeping up with the times. {Red shakes his head} You know, he's the fella– he introduced all the new types of music into the hymn singings.

RED GREEN: Oh, right, right...

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, he did, like– there's folk music he did and heavy metal, and... Oh, remember the rap version of "Amazing Grace"? {makes boombox sounds, then raps} Amazing grace, how sweet thou art, that s-s-s-saved a wretch like me. Yo, mama!

''{Harold crosses his arms as the audience applauds. Red is incredulous, however.}''

RED GREEN: You like rap, do you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah.

RED GREEN: Stick your knuckles out.

{Harold starts to stick his fist out, but then draws it back as he realizes what his uncle is talking about.}

HAROLD GREEN: Hey!

Segue: Buzz Sherwood
{On the dock, Buzz is cleaning the propeller of his plane.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, hey, man, safety first! {gives a thumbs-up} I'm Buzz Sherwood. And you know, if you go flying your plane, don't go chasing birds, okay? 'Cause, like, you might think it's fun, but it's not, it's dangerous, man! And besides, if you hit one, there's only enough for, like, one serving.

Commercial bumper
{Ranger Gord marches up to Red and salutes him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned. It doesn't get any better. Ranger Gord gets a bunch of medals.

Plot Segment 5
{Harold tunes his switcher as Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, our church service out on the lake is turning into {spreads arms wide} a great, big attraction. Guess who's coming. Who is the one person who has made more North American men turn to religion than anybody else?

HAROLD GREEN: Lorena Bobbitt?

RED GREEN: {sways head in annoyance} Oh, Harold, for gosh sakes! The guy at the sporting events! You know, the guy that holds up the sign that says "John 11:13".

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} The sign guy?!

RED GREEN: Yes, sir!

HAROLD GREEN: The sign guy's coming?!

RED GREEN: Yes!

HAROLD GREEN: Will he have a striped wig and everything?

RED GREEN: Yes, sir!

HAROLD GREEN: Wow!

RED GREEN: This is gonna be the biggest thing that ever hit Possum Lake! Wait 'til you see the fireworks: {spreads arms out} Noah's Ark, all done in pinwheels!

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up to Red} Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Uncle Red! I think you guys are missing the point here. Religion's not about putting on a show.

RED GREEN: And that's why they get the lousy turnout, Harold. You know, you add a couple of miracles and a little pizzazz to the service there, you can turn a money-losing venture into a cash cow with international franchise potential!

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly nervous} Oh... I-Is this you speaking in tongues, Uncle Red?

RED GREEN: {grinning} I got religion, Harold! {turns to leave}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Heaven help us. {plays switcher to transition to the next scene}

Visit With Ranger Gord
{Ranger Gord comes down the stairway of his watchtower just as Red walks up.}

RANGER GORD: {ecstatic} Red Green! {laughs, then looks into camera briefly) And Harold! {turns back to Red, rubbing hands together} Guess what? I got a big promotion. {laughs}

RED GREEN: Promotion, Gord?

RANGER GORD: Yes, sir. After sixteen years of being a Forest Ranger grade 3, I'm now being promoted to Forest Ranger Grade 2.

RED GREEN: Well, congratulations to you, Gord! {shakes his hand} By golly, eh?

RANGER GORD: Thanks very much.

RED GREEN: You sure paid your dues, young fella.

RANGER GORD: Oh...

RED GREEN: {points up at watchtower} Sixteen years up here, all alone.

RANGER GORD: Yeah.

RED GREEN: So, where are you gonna be working now, do you think?

RANGER GORD: {gestures toward watchtower} Here. {chuckles}

RED GREEN: Oh... Oh, but I guess you're getting a big raise in pay, huh? {nods}

RANGER GORD: I dunno. I dunno, I haven't had a paycheck in over ten years. {shrugs} It doesn't matter. Anyway, the thing is, I get to decorate my uniform with all these service medals. {reaches into pocket and pulls out some medals} The forestry department must have dropped them off. I found them in a pile over there.

{Gord holds the medals out to Red, who looks at them closely.}

RED GREEN: Uh, those are beer bottle caps, Gord.

RANGER GORD: {laughs} Red, everybody knows you're not allowed to drink beer in the forest.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, what was I thinking?

RANGER GORD: I don't know. {Red shakes his head as Gord holds up one "medal"} Okay, now, this one says "Bud".

RED GREEN: Yeah?

RANGER GORD: Okay, that's for "Buddy of the forest".

RED GREEN: Oh, for gosh sakes.

RANGER GORD: {holds up another "medal") Now, this one says "Fifty". That's for "Fifty years–" {pauses awkwardly} Oh... Oh... "Fifty months of service".

RED GREEN: {nods} Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

RANGER GORD: {digs into pocket again} Oh, I get four of these.

RED GREEN: All right!

RANGER GORD: {takes "medals" out) Two, three, four.

RED GREEN: What do you got there?

RANGER GORD: {holding up more "medals") Now, this one says...

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah?

RANGER GORD: This one says "Lager".

RED GREEN: Yeah?

RANGER GORD: That's for my work protecting the forest against loggers.

RED GREEN: Okay, that will be it, yeah.

RANGER GORD: {softly} I thought "logger" was spelled with an "O".

RED GREEN: Doesn't matter.

RANGER GORD: Okay, great! Um... So, can you stick around for the presentation ceremony?

RED GREEN: {looks into camera} Well, we wouldn't miss it for the world, would we, Harold?

RANGER GORD: Okie-dokie. {salutes}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Gord stands several feet away from Red.}''

RANGER GORD: Ranger... Quick... March! Hup!

''{Gord marches a few feet away from Red while making drum sounds. He then stops and turns to his right before marching again for a few feet. He turns and sees a small ledge in front of him.}''

RANGER GORD: Ranger... Small jump! {jumps up on the ledge with both feet} Forward... March! {marches up to another ledge near Red} Ranger... Big jump! {jumps on this ledge, again with both feet} Quick... March! {marches up to Red and salutes him}

RED GREEN: {putting several "medals" on Gord's shirt} Ranger Gord, for service above and beyond the call of duty... {Gord cries tears of joy} and nature... and certainly sanity... Congratulations to you, sir. {shakes hands with Gord}

RANGER GORD: {softly} Thank you. {hugs and salutes Red, who salutes back} Left... Turn! {turns to his left} Quick... March! {marches off, still making drumming sounds}

RED GREEN: {glancing toward camera} I think I deserve a medal for keeping a straight face.

Male Call
{Red and Harold are seated in two chairs in the lodge.}

RED GREEN: It's "Male Call"!

''{Harold picks up a large bell and rings it wildly. Red winces in pain from the ringing and covers his ears.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {taking a letter} Ow! All right, here's our letter this week, and it's from Larry in Michigan And Larry writes: {reads} "Dear Red: Does everyone in Canada speak French?"

RED GREEN: Well, uh, yeah, a lit– a little, you know, or as the French would say, "Un poo." And we all try to speak a little French like that; try to keep the country together. So far, it's not going all that well, actually.

HAROLD GREEN: I wonder why.

RED GREEN: {speaking French poorly} Oui, ce est un gros dommage, un et un mysterio pour "moo-ah". N'est-ce pas-que? {Harold grimaces at his uncle's bad French}

Plot Segment 6
{Red and Harold enter the lodge, sopping wet and their clothes in tatters.}

RED GREEN: We, uh... We had a little rehearsal for our church service out on the lake, and... didn't go just exactly as planned, you know.

HAROLD GREEN: It was a judgment!

RED GREEN: It was an accident, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: A lightning bolt on a clear, sunny day?! I take that as a warning!

RED GREEN: It wasn't a lightning bolt. It was just too many boats too close together with too few bilge pumps and too many leaky gas lines. But the candles, that was stupid. That was stupid. {wipes nose} Mind you, we're all alright. We did have a miracle. Nobody was killed.

HAROLD GREEN: And the explosion parted Possum Lake, just for a second. {to Red} I caught a glimpse of your snowmobile.

{Suddenly, the "Squeal of the Possum" is heard.}

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. I'll be down in a minute. {Harold stumbles around, trying to find basement stairs} It's over there, Harold. {Harold reaches stairs, walking unevenly, as Red turns back to camera} If my wife is watching, I have gained a new respect for religion. I was hoping you could maybe join me. We'd go to church and renew our vows, and on the way home, go to a motel and renew our honeymoon, providing I can renew my medical insurance. {rubs hands together; to audience} And to the rest of ya, thanks so much for watching. On behalf of myself and the Reverend Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, {waves} keep your stick on the ice.

''{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold is at the front of the room, and Red joins him there. They both have cleaned up and wearing intact clothes.}''

HAROLD GREEN: All rise, all rise!

{Everyone stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down, guys.

{Everyone except Harold sits down.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, I just want to announce that Stinky Peterson will be having a family reunion again. Um...

''{Everyone groans. One member even gives a thumbs-down.}''

HAROLD GREEN: He said, "No location decided," but he said, "Don't worry, you'll know where." {sits down}

RED GREEN: Just follow your nose.

{Cut to the show information, showing the phone number and website URL of www.redgreen.com.}

ANNOUNCER: {voiceover} For more information on Red Green and Possum Lodge merchandise, call 1-800-YPOSSUM, or find us on the Internet at www.redgreen.com.