The Stag Party/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Here's the man's man,

a ladies' man,

the man of the people,

man, oh, man!

Your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

(whistling)

thank you!

Thank you very much.

Appreciate it -- thank you.

Welcome to possum lodge,

where civilization meets nature

and nature loses.

Hey, harold.

Guess what we're up to tonight.

Here's a hint.

(audience laughing)

gonna be filling the cracks

in the walls?

Demonstrate how spiders

build their homes?

No.

Gonna be acting stupid

and immature?

Yeah, he got it.

About a month ago,

junior singleton

got engaged -- we were shocked

'cause she's nice.

They've done the shopping

for gifts

and all the fittings

and all that crap.

Finally, tonight,

it all pays off

in the big celebration

every man looks forward to.

No, uncle red, the wedding's

not till

tomorrow.

I'm talking about

the stag party, harold.

Stag party's tonight, ok?

Moose thompson's organizing

the food fight.

Buster hadfield's doing

the dirty tricks.

Old man sedgwick's

marking the cards.

How are you contributing?

I'm not going.

Perfect!

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the in message being,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense out of this,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

(laughing)

(laughing)

well, just a few hours to go

till junior's stag party.

I got all my supplies here.

Hand buzzer, plaster bandages,

ball and chain...

Laxatives that look

like chocolate...

(laughing)

hot gum...

Molasses...

Animal tranquillizer...

Indelible ink...

Whoopee cushion,

whoopee pillow,

whoopee mattress -- whoopee!

Uncle red, uncle red!

I got good news and bad news.

Junior asked me to go

to the stag and I said yes.

What's the good news?

He asked me to get the movies.

He said, "the movies."

I said, "o-kay".

But I have no idea

what he's talking about.

Sure you do -- he's talking

about "the movies".

Ohhhhh!

I don't know.

I went to all the places.

The convenience store, gas bar,

coffee shop, laundromat...

The good movies are gone.

Did you try the video store?

(audience laughing)

ok.

Yeah.

Wahahh, uncle red!

Have I got some hot movies!

Forget it --

none of that stuff.

I have too much respect

for women.

We won't be watching

filthy movies.

Filthy movies?! No, no, no!

These are

war movies.

Oh, right!

"the desert fox"...

"the big red one"...

"buck privates"...

Who are you kiddin', harold?

If you like ukulele music,

change the channel right now!

This is a preview of

the "adventures with bill".

Kind of a hawaiian theme and...

Those leis --

you can't just have one.

That's not gonna work.

That doesn't feel like

"welcome to hawaii".

It's like "welcome

to fire island".

Ohhh! Oh! Ohhh!

All right, all right,

I'll get my own leis,

thank you.

That's something to live by,

right there.

What bill will also do

all through the show,

he'll cook a turkey

in the luau style,

where they dig the hole.

It's a traditional,

ritual thing,

kind of a polynesian thing.

This is part of the dance.

The hands tell the story.

Yeah... Ohhh!

The dirt tells the story.

Ohhhh!

And the shovel usually

ends the story.

Uh... Yeah, anyway,

we like to do

some of the traditional

cooking at the lodge.

This is the hawaiian,

the polynesian, the fiji...

Have they "fiji"d you yet?

No, they haven't cooked...

Never mind.

Bill's digging with-- no, bill,

that's a ukulele.

You don't use that.

I use that --

you use the shovel.

Bill's very creative.

Away you go --

oh, for gosh sakes.

♪ ohhhhh ♪

♪ I know a guy

with a car named sue ♪

♪ he was the butt

of many jokes ♪

♪ he had named his car

after his wife ♪

♪ 'cause it's hard to start

and it smokes ♪

this is the big one!

For the grand prize of keys

to a brand-new bungalow

worth over $200,000!

Oh, baby!

Who donated

that, harold?

The guy who bought

the bungalow.

He got new locks,

so he didn't want these keys.

That's a good keychain.

You can use the keychain.

Uncle red,

you have 30 seconds

to get dalton humphrey

to say this word.

"discuss."

"discuss."

and go!

All right,

dalton.

When you and your wife

disagree about something,

you and she...

... Argue.

No, no yelling, no yelling.

No, you said my wife.

All right, ok,

could be anybody's wife

or girlfriend, or both --

right, harold?

Or, in your case, neither!

Ok, uh...

Another word

for "talk".

Nag.

Dialogue.

Diatribe.

Share ideas.

Complain.

Almost out of time, uncle red.

You want to communicate

in a friendly way.

To give in.

All right, all right.

If your wife wants to nag,

argue, or complain,

she'll say, "honey,

"there's something

we have to..."

... Buy.

(audience laughing)

no, and before

you buy anything,

first,

you would...

... Keel over stone-dead!

I'm not putting one more dime

into that living room!

People expect moth-holes

in plaid drapes.

The case is closed.

I don't want to discuss it!

Hey!

What?

That was the word.

Discuss!

(applause)

(grunting)

what is with

these car companies?

What's the point

in having a gas gauge

if it's not accurate?

When it says "full",

it is full.

I got the wet pants

to prove it.

When it says "empty",

you might have another

50 miles in there,

or, as in the case today,

you might in fact be empty.

This week on "handyman corner",

I'm gonna show you how to make

a cost-effective hot tub.

What does a hot tub have to do

with fuel tanks? Shhh!

I'm gonna make my hot tub

out of an old freezer.

Freezers are meant

to keep things cold.

Since this one doesn't

any more,

I figure, why not use it

to keep things warm?

Let's start

and find out why not.

(grunting)

this won't make a big hot tub,

but with all the s.T.D.'s

and g.S.T.'s and I.O.U.'s

goin' around,

maybe it's time to get back

to those innocent times

when you just played

with yourself in the bathtub.

Some of you are saying, "why

not use the bathtub itself?"

first, don't confuse

me stopping for breath

with a request for suggestions.

And secondly,

with the lid on, you can keep

heat in and bird-treats out.

We got a little light,

which makes it nice for

the romantic late-night dips,

and maybe can help you

find your toupee.

To turn this into a hot tub,

you need a pump

with some hoses on 'er.

I know, you're supposed

to add water.

You're supposed to

put bleach in

to purify the water.

You need to add air to it.

That's if you're building

a real hot tub... I'm not.

This here is a fake,

just a decoy.

I'm just solving

the gas-gauge problem

with the possum van.

We want it to look

like a hot tub

so that visitors will park

nearby without worrying.

What it really is

is our personal gas station.

What we do,

when nobody's looking,

take one end of the hose,

stick that into their gas tank.

You grab your reversible

pump control, press "suck",

and it puts all their gas--

well, not all their gas.

You want to leave some

so they can get

a few miles down the road.

They won't suspect anything.

You might want to

close the lid.

You don't want gas fumes

to give you away.

We've been there, haven't we?

We'll just cut that off.

Then you bring

your own vehicle nearby...

And put the end of the hose

into your vehicle

and then you press the pump

to "blow"

and you actually fill up

your own tank with their gas.

Isn't that beautiful?

By golly! No one's

any the wiser.

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

One more fill-up and

I get a set of dinnerware.

(electricity sparking)

by golly, I'm wrong.

This is a hot tub.

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

Some of you teenagers

are workin' hard at school,

sweating out some slave-labour

job on weekends,

only to have your parents say,

"clean up your room!

"no, you can't have

a motorcycle.

"the police want to talk

to you -- hide that stereo."

you're thinking,

"when does the fun start?

"when does life turn into

a beer commercial?"

where everybody's laughing

and eating

and not working

and not getting fat.

You're thinking you're

the only person not having fun.

The truth is,

for the most part,

everybody's faking it...

Even in the beer commercial.

The laughing and eating

is just those people working.

I'll tell you something.

In my life, I've only found

three things

that were pure fun.

Fishing, belonging

to possum lodge,

and pants

with an elastic waistband.

Well, by golly,

that was some stag last night!

And the women

missed the whole thing.

They were at some stupid shower

for the bride.

It was a lecture on cooking.

They had some guy

named mr. Super-buns.

(laughing)

unbelievable.

Bernice said it was

a real eye-opener.

But, by golly,

we had ourselves--

harold, I didn't see you there.

I left when

the practical jokes started.

I can only take

so many wedgies.

Better to give than receive.

You know,

originally,

we were gonna play tricks

on junior,

'cause he was the groom.

Then some smart-alec yelled,

"get the head usher!"

that was you --

you yelled that.

(laughing)

I had the molasses

and the feathers.

Waste not, want not.

We did the ushers

and father of the bride.

Then we started working our way

through the crowd.

A party like that

makes you see it's worthwhile

getting married.

What are you gonna do

if the groom isn't there?

We taped it

to stinky's pant-leg.

Not the broom, the groom --

junior's still missing.

No, we stripped him.

We chained him to the dock.

I heard he was getting

some decent nibbles.

No, that

wasn't junior.

You did that

to flinty mcclintock.

No, harold, flinty,

we put into a body cast.

We put him on

a one-way train to...

That might have been junior.

Way to go, uncle red,

way to go!

Wedding's in less than

two hours and there's no groom.

Way to go!

She'll have to marry flinty.

Flinty's wife will be happy

to let somebody else take over.

Yeah, I suppose.

(red): Meanwhile, back with

don ho's evil twin brother,

gung ho...

Ohhhh!

Golly, there's the turkey...

And it's a boy!

By golly... All right.

We've dug the hole.

We had a fire going.

Ok, ok, bill, bill!

All right, we got

the rocks all heated.

Wow, that's hot, that's hot.

You get the rocks,

the hot rocks,

and you put them

into the turkey.

Fire one in, bill.

Here we go... Oh, boy, and...

There we are -- by golly.

If you don't think that's

painful, you ask a turkey.

You drop 'er into the hole

and put the hot rocks

all around the turkey.

Fire 'em in, fire 'em in.

Get 'em in there!

You cover that unit with dirt.

You want to seal that in,

ke a pressure cooker,

in the hawaiian, polynesian,

fiji style of life.

Oh, bill's got

the ukulele to help.

Ok, that's good --

we cover up with dirt.

You want it completely covered

with the dirt of the area.

He's bringing in

the various leaves.

This gives it

kind of the flavouring.

It changes the taste,

apparently.

What have we got next, bill?

Oh... Ah! Car mats

out of a k-car.

And now, we'll be back

when dinner's ready.

Away you go -- oh, man!

So I've devised

a 12-step programme

to help you overcome

this biological imperative.

No more excuses,

no more saying...

(imitating red):

"sorry, it's a guy thing."

I'll throw open the floor

to my uncle red

to start the meeting.

Man!

All right, I'm red

and I'm a man.

(all): Hi, red.

All right, let's do

the "men anonymous" pledge.

I'm a male...

But I can change...

If I have to...

I guess.

Thanks.

(laughing and applause)

let's get started

by sharing our emotions.

Who would like to start

by sharing emotions?

Would someone like

to state their opinion?

Oh, I thought so.

Ok, how about... Dougie?

Ohhhh!

Thank you.

Gentlemen, my name is dougie.

I'm a man.

(all): Hi, dougie.

Gentlemen, last week

was a difficult one for me.

I was tempted

to fall off the wagon

and go right back

into some old bad habits.

The temptation occurred right

in front of the hardware store.

There was a fella there

changing a flat tire

on his pickup truck and...

He was doin' it wrong!

He didn't put his wheel nuts

in the hubcap!

(red): Oh, for

gosh sakes!

I bit my tongue,

and then it occurred to me.

Une piece de resistance

au dougie.

I got my truck.

I parked beside him

where he was changing his tire

and I started changing

one of my tires,

even though it wasn't flat.

I changed that sucker

the right way

so that sorry excuse for a man

would learn!

Way to go,

dougie!

That's the way

to do it!

That's

the stuff!

(red): Dinner had taken

quite a while.

I dozed off in the sun,

but, luckily,

I had left a wake-up call.

There we go, and now

we're set to check out--

dig up our turkey.

Should be cooked to perfection.

Bill's digging with...

Something I hadn't noticed,

and maybe we got lucky.

We don't get lucky often.

You're not worried -- he thinks

we'll get lucky twice

and that never happens.

You all right, bill?

You may have hit a buried--

you hit a wire, bill.

We'll be back

when this rock concert's over.

Oh, boy.

Here's a gift from our friends

at the outback pub in ottawa.

It's a briefcase.

Back at the "oh, wow" luau,

we're digging up the turkey.

You got the turkey? Is it done?

Vegetables?!

How did that happen?

Well, you know,

it is a farmer's field.

Maybe... He must have

planted something.

That's the beauty of the luau.

This will help me see at night,

which is when we'll find

the darn thing.

What have you got?

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

That's a treasure--

there's a--

that's got--

there's value there!

There's captain hook!

What?

Oh, the hooks.

Oh, man!

Still no turkey, huh?

Can't believe it.

Oh, yeah, there's one.

Flinty declined

the opportunity

to marry junior's fiancee.

I suggest that junior show up

for this wedding soon.

I got a fax over my fax-modem.

Junior's on his way --

he's up near kenora.

Why didn't he fax himself

rather than the note?

(laughing)

fax a person

over a fax machine -- whoo!

(laughing)

you just don't get

this modern technology.

The dumbest thing

I've ever heard!

Whoo! Fax a person!

Hello!

Dumb, eh, harold?

'cause they do it

on "star trek".

(audience laughing)

never thought I'd hear harold

say "star trek" is dumb.

No, no! I didn't!

Captain picard, you heard me

not say that, right?

Hello, klingons!

Oh, man!

(audience laughing)

we gotta get

to the church.

The wedding's

in half an hour.

But junior's, like,

five hours away.

Don't get your jockeys

into a jam.

Getting the groom to church

is the best man's job.

You're

the best man.

Oh, man, yeah.

All right, come on.

Why? What?

Nobody says the groom

has to be junior.

Oh, no!!

Harold, it's just

a proxy thing, that's all.

You just say the vows

on junior's behalf.

Just proxy --

it's just words.

Just words.

You take his place

for the wedding.

Let's hope he shows up

before the honeymoon.

Oh, no!!

Come on!

Come on.

We all been there on this one.

You're about to walk in

the house

and then it hits you.

"wasn't I supposed to

do something on the way home?"

you can't remember what it was.

Can't tell her --

you know how she gets.

You gotta jog your memory.

Slip in

the house...

Count

the kids.

If you're short one or two,

maybe you were supposed to

pick them up.

Count the cars in the driveway.

If one's missing, maybe you

were supposed to pick 'er up

at a service station

or on the highway.

If there's too many cars,

you have company.

Maybe you were supposed to

pick up groceries.

Check for a list

she might have slipped you.

If you come up empty,

walk into the house,

say, "honey, I'm home",

give her the big hug.

While her back's turned

to the calendar,

see if there's a birthday

or anniversary written in.

If you don't see anything,

maybe you forgot

to get bread or milk.

She'll call you "stupid"

and laugh at you.

Consider yourself lucky --

you got off easy...

... This time!

(red): This is it --

we're getting close,

'cause bill found a rock.

Get rid of the rock.

I didn't mean that way.

He's got the turkey, though.

By gosh, can you smell that?

Isn't that beautiful!

Wow! What are you doing?

Oh, bill's auditioning

for his puppet show for kids.

Oh, man! Get away from me.

All right, look at that --

look at the table setting.

The presentation is...

Almost nothing.

We need drinks, bill.

Can you handle that?

What have you got?

Oh, a water pipe.

Cheers!

Oh, man! Frightening, isn't it?

(audience laughing)

junior did make it

to the church on time

'cause the ceremony was late.

The guys were hurtin'

from the stag party.

Took 'em forever

to get into the pews.

It was nice, having old man

sedgwick as the ring-boy.

He's got rings -- he's like a

tree, without the intelligence.

Took junior a long time

to get the ring

on the bride's finger

'cause he was covered

in molasses and feathers.

I thought you'd have

washed him a bit.

We thought of hosing him down

but then he'd get married

in his underwear.

The bride thought

she was marrying

big bird.

She won't say that

after the honeymoon.

(possum squeal)

meeting time,

uncle red.

You go ahead, harold.

Remind the guys, we got

a bridal suite to sabotage.

Ok!

I take my responsibilities

seriously.

If my wife is watching,

I'm coming straight home

after the meeting.

With the wedding and romance

and young love and everything,

I was hoping maybe later,

we could have some fun.

The rest of you,

on behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

thanks for watching

and keep your stick on the ice.

(applause)

(possum squeal)

(harold): He's here, he's here!

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

(red): Sit down... Harold?

(harold): Someone ran over

my favourite hat

on the highway.

Would you please wait

until I'm out of it next time?

(laughing)

must have been stinky's car --

there's no tread-marks.

We have another book

coming out --

"red green talks cars:

A love story."

it's available

through possum lodge

and through

your local book retailer.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!