The Satellite Dish

Cast (in order of appearance):, , , ,

Transcript
''{Text appears on screen: "Women are watching the world. Men are watching television." Channel-changing sound effects are heard.}''

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! It's The New Red Green Show! {"The Satellite Dish" appears} And now, here's a man who brings the outdoors indoors to your door. A man you adore coming through that door! Mr. Red Green! Ha ha!

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, I appreciate it very much. Well, this morning, I was walking around downtown.

HAROLD GREEN: Downtown? Where's downtown? We have&mdash; we hardly have a town, let alone a downtown. Where's downtown? Where's that?

RED GREEN: Where the roads cross, Harold, okay? We got a building on each corner. Around here, that's an urban core. So anyway, I'm walking around downtown, got the shock of my life.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh yeah, I meant to tell you, Murray installed a full-length mirror in front of his store. Ha ha!

RED GREEN: I'm talking about what was in the store, Harold. Had a satellite dish in there, for the TV, and I'm thinking to myself, "Boy, you know, if we had one of those up at the lodge, we could watch outdoor shows from all over the world." Kind of compare our show to theirs. Mind you, I guess that would be like comparing apples and oranges.

HAROLD GREEN: Or apples and a lemon.

RED GREEN: Sounds like sour grapes from the second banana to me, what do you think?

{intro plays}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} On today's show, we have the usual animals, plus a four-legged one visiting up at the lodge. Ranger Gord is watching out for fire again. There's one there, Gord. Better report that. And this here, I really can't explain it, you're just going to have to stay and watch.

Plot Segment 2
HAROLD GREEN: So, Uncle Red, I thought you said you'd never, ever, ever, never, never, ever buy a satellite dish for the Lodge.

RED GREEN: I didn't buy one, Harold. I made one.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, not that patio umbrella that you lined with foil potato chip bags.

RED GREEN: No, Harold, that one blew away one night. Right in the middle of Baywatch. No, no, we got a new one. This one is real solid, made it out of the roof from the top of the corn silo over at Farmer Nash's place.

HAROLD GREEN: The&mdash; the roof?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Did&mdash; did he give it to you?

RED GREEN: More of a finder's keeper's event.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! We got a satellite dish!

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, we got a great satellite dish.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha! Imagine all the stations!

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, we're already getting about a million stations, but now we're going to put a motorized unit on there, so that you can change the aim, you know, from satellite to satellite without leaving the comfort of your TV room.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha ha, wow, this is great! We can use, like, the satellite to scan the universe for signs of intelligent life.

RED GREEN: Oh, we're not interested in intelligent life. We want television!

{Bill's head moves across the scene, cutting to an Adventures with Bill segment}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Coming up, later on, Bill's going to try&mdash; oh. Bill's going to try a pogo stick. Bill is a man of action. That's what a pogo stick is, all action. Let me tell you something, for every action, there is an equal and opposite {pauses} reaction. And sometimes some water.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: Okay! This is the big one! For a free ice cream cone with any purchase of a scoop of ice cream from the House of Vanilla! All right, Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Stuyvesant to say this word&mdash; {holds up a sign that says "Marriage", mouths the word} Thirty seconds, go!

RED GREEN: All right, Bob, uh, wedding?

BOB Stuyvesant: Divorce.

RED GREEN: Wedlock.

BOB Stuyvesant: Headlock.

RED GREEN: Matrimony.

BOB Stuyvesant: Alimony.

RED GREEN: Now, now, Bob, think. You've had five ex-wives, so you've experienced this five times.

BOB Stuyvesant: {pauses to think} Sex?

Red's Campfire Songs
{Red is playing guitar, Harold is tapping a gas can}

RED GREEN: Oh, there are so many things your head can do,


 * It can see, think, feel, talk, and smell.


 * Your head is the part of your body you should use the most


 * 'Cause it does so many things so darn well.


 * Use your head wisely, clean it, protect it,


 * You can never go wrong.


 * But if you find yourself banging it against the wall for hours and hours on end,


 * There's a pretty good chance you've been married a little bit too long.

Ranger Gord's Watchtower
RED GREEN: Now we get a lot of questions for Ranger Gord up here at Possum Lodge, and unfortunately, the only one I can repeat on television is "Ranger Gord, how many forest fires have you spotted from the tower up here?"

RANGER GORD: Oh, well, Red, do you mean just this year, or altogether?

RED GREEN: No, no, altogether. Yeah, altogether. Yeah.

RANGER GORD: Let's see, uh... {pauses to think}

{Ranger Gord pulls out a notebook.}

RED GREEN: You can just round it off.

RANGER GORD: Yeah, yeah. {looks through notebook} None, actually. Yeah. You want to know the secret of being an effective forest ranger?

RED GREEN: What's that?

RANGER GORD: Coffee.

RED GREEN: Coffee?

RANGER GORD: That's right. And I grind my own blend. Ranger Gord java.

RED GREEN: Wow.

RANGER GORD: It consists of peach pits, acorns, and these coffee plant leaves.

RED GREEN: Oh no, no, Gord, I believe that's poison ivy you got there.

RANGER GORD: Really? Wow, well, it works. It works like the Dickens. One cup of this and I'm up scratching my legs all night. Here, let me mix you up a batch of Ranger Gord java, okay?

RED GREEN: The gas looks kind of high.

RANGER GORD: Oh, that's okay.

{the stove bursts into flames}

RANGER GORD: Fire! Fire! {into radio} Attention! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! This is fire watchtower 13. Fire watchtower 13. We've got a fire! Coordinates: um, where am I?!? I'm up in my tower here. Send the water bomber! With lots of people, okay!

RED GREEN: Gord? Gord? The fire's kind of out here. It's kinda... it's gone. It's done. Pretty much done there.

RANGER GORD: It's out.

RED GREEN: Yep. Yeah.

RANGER GORD: It's a good thing that I was here to spot it. Report it.

RED GREEN: And start it.