A Very Merry Red Green Christmas/Transcript

Handyman Corner 1
''{Red stands in the dining room of someone's house behind a table filled with a Christmas dinner. He holds a turkey leg in his hand.}''

RED GREEN: You know, a big part of Christmas has to be the eating. Something comes over people; they just start chowing down like they were stocking up a bomb shelter. But there's also a downside: messing up your house with all those people, and messing up your kitchen cooking all that food. But you know something? {puts turkey leg down on table} There's a better way.

''{Red leaves the dining room. Wipe to a later scene. Red walks out of the house and up to a car parked outside.}''

RED GREEN: All right, the first step is you call up your relatives and tell them that after 43 Christmases of mooching off everyone else, it's finally their turn to have Christmas dinner. {walks up to car's hood and opens it} Oh, sure, they'll probably balk at first. But then you give them the clincher: you'll bring the food. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wait a minute, Red. That still messes up your kitchen." Or "Hey, Red, I don't get it." Or "Boy, I wish I had a pair of pants like those." {holds up hand} But the key to the whole deal is, we're gonna cook Christmas dinner as we drive over there.

''{Red leans in toward the car's engine. Wipe to a later scene. A montage begins, with Red putting various food pieces on the car while explaining, in voiceover narration, what to do. For the purpose of this transcript and to avoid confusion, the script is provided by way of an "Adventures" setup:}''

Segue: Winston Rothschild
{The camera fades in on Winston, who is sitting in the basement on a sleigh full of Christmas presents.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If your stockings aren't the only things that got stuffed this Christmas, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. When there's no room at the inn.

The Possum Lodge Word Game
MIKE HAMAR: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game! {Mike walks up towards the table excitedly.} And today Mr. Edgar Montrose is playing for a {pulls out an eggplant from behind the word sign} giant eggplant from Bernie's Big and Tall Vegetables! This is just an eggplant seed. Uh, Mr. Green, you have 30 seconds to get Mr. Montrose to say this word...

''{Mike picks up the word sign and turns it around. It displays on it the word "Christmas".}''

MIKE HAMAR: "Christmas"! "Christmas"! {puts the word sign down} And go!

RED GREEN: Alright, Edgar! This is most people's favorite holiday.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Firecracker day.

RED GREEN: No, no, people stay home from work and give each other things.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Flu season?

RED GREEN: It's an expression. You know, in French they say "Joyux" Noel. Uh, in English they say Merry...

EDGAR MONTROSE: Queen of Scots.

RED GREEN: You know what? Edgar, you know this okay. This is– What do you call it when you get a treat in your stocking?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Leprosy.

MIKE HAMAR: Almost out of time, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Okay, Edgar, what do you call it when the fat jolly guy comes down your chimney?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, dad lost his key again.

RED GREEN: Oh, come on, Edgar! You know, if you would concentrate, we could get this.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, if ifs and buts was candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.

RED GREEN: There you go! {rings the bell rapidly while Mike hands the eggplant "seed" to Edgar}

Segue: Winston Rothschild 2
{The camera fades in on Winston, still sitting on the same sleigh.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If Jack Frost isn't the only thing nipping at your nose, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. {in a German accent} We're going to pump you out!

Segue: Winston Rothschild 3
{Winston is still sitting on the same sleigh as the last two commercials.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Happy New Year from Winston Rothschild, reminding you if old acquaintances can't be forgot, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. We're Y2K compliant!

Segue: Winston Rothschild 4
{The camera fades in on Winston, still sitting on the same sleigh.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: This is Winston Rothschild from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services reminding you, we'll take plenty of dough in before it starts snowing and Santa's ho ho hoing, 'cause we're sucking, not blowing.

Segue: Winston Rothschild 5
{Winston is still sitting on the same sleigh as the last four commercials.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If the ghosts of Christmas past won't leave the present, time to move into the future, with Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Discounts for vegetarians.