The Gun Mishap/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots ]

[ bird squawks ]

harold:

You know, it's been said

that many are called,

but few are chosen.

Well, here at possum lodge,

we have a saying, too --

"many are cold,

but few are frozen."

wa-a-a!

That's because

we're in the hinterlands.

Anyway, but here's

the hinter man himself --

my uncle and the star

of the show --

would it be immodest of me

to say, the costar,

along with yours truly,

of "the red green show,"

my uncle, mr. Red green!

Thank you, harold.

Thank you, and, uh,

welcome to possum lodge.

And by the way, harold,

you're not the costar.

You're the coaster.

Oh.

And a pain in the hinterland.

Harold here is my

producer/director/nephew

on the show.

I'm also

the resident whiz.

And we all enjoy a whiz,

don't we?

I think what harold

is referring to

is that conglomeration

hanging around his neck there

that he uses for doing

all his visual defects.

Like this.

[ keyboard clacking ]

wa-a-a!

That's so harold

can do to your eyes

the same thing

he does for your ears.

Anyway, by golly, the hills are

alive with the sound of shotguns

up at the lodge this week,

'cause it's the opening

of hunting season.

And the lads are all out in the

bush, doing what they do best --

flattening ferns

and draining wineskins.

You know,

uncle red, it's --

I find it hard to fathom

the fact that,

in this enlightened age --

you know, I mean,

the times of animal rights

and antifur lobbyists,

gun control -- that somehow

hunting can still survive.

Well, harold, I'm amazed

that you can survive.

So, in our way,

we all stand in wonder.

I am against hunting.

That is my position.

You're here at the lodge

as a favor to my brother.

That's your position.

So anyway,

everybody's pretty excited

about this hunting thing.

So far, the biggest killing has

been made by murray and dwayne

down at their store.

I mean, they're selling

everything.

They sold old man sedgwick

a really powerful shotgun,

so the bunch of us chipped in

and got him some glasses.

And, uh, stinky peterson --

he got himself a bow and arrow

this year.

But unfortunately, while he was

biting the rubber suction cups

off the tips of the arrows,

moose thompson sat

on his quiver.

They'll both be out

of the hospital Thursday.

But probably the, golly,

the most excited guy

would be noel christmas,

our security guard,

because, ordinarily, noel

is not allowed to carry a gun,

which means he has to use his

personality to defend himself,

which actually starts

more fights than it stops.

Excuse me, uncle red, maybe

we should just keep moving on,

you know, while we still have

a viewer.

Oh, yeah, harold.

No, that's fine, that's fine.

Let's keep it moving.

I'm, uh, kind of anxious

to get hunting myself, so, uh,

we'll try to get this half-hour

done as quickly as we can.

Well, I suppose

anything's possible.

Einstein did prove

that time is relative.

Yeah, I wish he'd proved

that you weren't, harold.

Let's go, let's go.

Yeah, okay.

Uh, I have an emergency

announcement.

Uh, can I have

everyone's attention, please?

Thank you.

Uh, we've had a shooting.

Oh!

[ scoffs ]

well, I'm not impressed

with that, noel.

Grown men out in the middle

of the woods,

shooting defenseless animals --

whoop-de-doo.

There's no announcement

to be made there.

You know what?

You should be ashamed, noel.

Well, actually, uh, you know,

no -- no one shot any animals.

Uh, I shot murray.

Oh.

Well, that's not so bad.

And it seems bill's having

a hard time finding doc render.

Uh, try the kitchen.

Hello, noel.

Who'd you shoot this time?

Murray.

Oh.

Well, that's not so bad.

Uh...

Oh. Oh.

[ chuckles ]

bring him in here.

Does it hurt?

Oh, no, harold.

It's only a bullet!

Noel shot me!

Yeah, we heard.

Oh! Yow! Geez!

[ sarcastically ]

thank you, nurse.

Murray's been shot

in the back!

The lower back --

the really lower back.

But above his legs.

Bill's gone to get

doc render.

I don't need a doctor.

I need a lawyer!

How about a proctologist

with a magnet?

I'm gonna sue you for everything

you have, noel.

Oh, yeah,

I'm gonna own your cherokee.

Well, I-it was an accident.

Oh, a-and I should be suing you!

Oh, yeah, I was out

after a squirrel,

and with that, you know, butt of

yours taking up half the forest,

well, my bullet

didn't stand a chance.

What is that, an insult?

Oh, very clever, noel!

You can shoot people

and get off a few zingers!

Oh, I wish I were you.

Well, think of this, murray,

there's a silver lining.

You'll get a medal --

you know,

certainly not a purple heart,

but a real nice,

purple...

You know, if you need me,

I'm just --

I'll be out of your way,

over here. How's that?

Murray, if you die,

do I get the store?

If I die, you die.

That's a pact I made

with the devil.

Really?

Well, you should have discussed

that with me.

I should be consulted on things

that terminate my life!

That's thoughtless!

Don't push it, dwayne!

We've had one shooting already!

Okay, drop your drawers.

The doctor's here.

Not you, dwayne.

Dwayne, could I get a little

privacy here, huh?

Now, it was me who --

who sent bill to get doc.

Don't forget that, murray.

I never saw bill.

I just figured you probably

shot somebody by now.

This might sting

a touch, mur.

Oh! Aah!

Oh, you're gonna pay for this,

noel, trust me!

What are you

looking at?

Oh, nothing.

Oh.

Some head of security!

Oh, you should arrest yourself

for attempted murder!

Oh, bill, bill,

I think I saw doc render

down by the trout pond.

♪ grandma's mustard plaster

could cure most anything ♪

♪ grandma's mustard plaster,

it'd make your eyeballs sting ♪

♪ grandma's mustard plaster,

she used it on her walls ♪

♪ grandma's mustard plaster ♪

♪ the house looked fine,

but it smelled kind of sick ♪

♪ grandma's mustard plaster ♪

red: This week

on "handyman corner,"

we're gonna show you something

that you can do

with your old car hood.

If you're anything like me --

I'm sure it happens

a lot of times --

you're driving down the highway

and bam! --

Your hood just blows right off.

Don't you hate that?

Uh, of course, with me, now,

it's probably my own fault,

because I've been keeping

the hood closed

by using the same piece of duct

tape over and over and over.

But you know, it's worth going

back and getting that car hood,

even if you have to apologize

to the people at the bus stop,

because that car hood

is gonna save you

about 30 bucks come christmas,

because with a little ingenuity,

some elbow grease,

a little bit of use

of the brains here,

you can make yourself

a dandy little toboggan.

[ grunts ]

[ clears throat ]

all right.

Uh, now, first thing

we want to do is, uh,

get the hood ornament off there.

Now, is that a -- a phillips on

there or -- oh, I see it.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, now...

Okay, that's got her.

Now we just flip her over.

[ sighs ]

we got a volkswagen hood,

I guess.

Now, you take this rope and, uh,

just string the rope, uh,

through the front here,

and then you can tie it

to something

or just get the fat kid

to sit on it.

Then, after that, you're --

you're pretty well ready to go.

But, uh, for me, now, uh,

I don't like just sitting

right flat on the hood.

I like to be up a little higher,

you know,

so I can see what's coming,

because there's --

there's nothing worse than,

uh, flying down a farmer's field

and getting hit in the face

with a frozen trail treat.

Okay, so, what we've done is --

in my opinion, anyway -- we have

combined comfort and style.

And we've done it quick

and cheap,

using the handyman's

secret weapon -- duct tape.

I guess the downside would be

that we did pork the front seats

out of the car, but, uh,

you know, you really shouldn't

be driving in winter anyway.

And don't forget --

wear your seat belts.

So, if you'll just excuse me,

I'm gonna do a little

tobogganing.

But until next time,

remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

[ grunting ]

aah!

"it is spring --

"a time to assess the degree

of winter damage.

You go to the basement

and count the empties."

wow, you know,

nobody was very happy about, uh,

moose getting shot

in the backside.

Couple of inches over, it could

have meant the loss of a member.

And even if it had been serious,

it's not like you'd get a trophy

that you'd want to stuff

and hang on your kitchen wall.

I'll tell you,

this should put an end

to those self-righteous

complainers who say

that hunting is one-sided

in favor of the hunters.

I do not know how you can

trivialize such a thing.

No, I guess it won't

silence them.

Well, I'm --

how can you be so flippant

about a serious hunting

accident, uncle red?

I feel you should just be

a little more sensitive

towards the issue.

All right, uh,

we all feel bad that, uh,

murray got shot

in the backside,

and he's got a right

to be angry with noel.

But I don't think he needs

to take it out on the rest of us

by doubling the price

of everything in his store.

Everything?!

Including cherry licorice?!

Oh, yeah, cherry licorice,

pixy stix,

even the sponge toffee,

harold.

[ gulps ]

uncle red,

can I have a raise?

Let me think about that

a minute.

No.

Anyway, uh, yeah,

murray's raised the price

of everything down there.

It's creating

some real problems.

Uh, moose thompson says

that the price of aftershave

has skyrocketed

with, uh, no appreciable

improvement in the taste.

I asked stinky peterson if maybe

the price of deodorant or soap

or toothpaste had gone up,

and, uh, stinky had no idea.

But one thing

I just heard recently

is the price of ammo

is now at the point

where a bullet costs the same

as a side of beef,

which means

we're gonna have to admit

that we hunt just for the fun

of it, which is a no-no,

which means something

has got to give.

Uncle red, instead of maybe

getting a raise,

you think maybe I could just

get, like, paid in pixy stix?

Think about it.

Think about it.

I don't like to question your

medical judgment, there, doc,

but you think we should have

taken murray to the hospital?

Now, red, there's a reason

they call me "doc,"

just like there's a reason

they call you "red."

say, why the hell

do they call you "red" anyway?

No idea.

Well, murray will be fine,

trust me.

Yeah,

but he was shot, doc.

Red, he's got a minor abrasion

on his gluteus minimus.

Sure, he's got some nasty

powder burns on his butt,

but he'll have to go at that on

his own time with a scrub brush.

It was all I could stomach

just to empty that box

of band-aids on him.

He'll be fine.

You know,

I-I once saw a man

get hit by over 100 bullets

and not blink.

[ chuckles ]

yeah, well, dead men

don't blink, doc.

Well, now,

do I look dead, red?

There's no fish here --

not a one.

Are you telling me you were hit

by 100 bullets?

Yeah, yeah.

[ sighs ]

what, somebody drop a box

of them on your foot?

No, no, it was when

I was working as a fireman.

[ chuckles ]

yeah, we got a call

to an ammunition factory.

She was a megafire, red.

[ chuckles ]

flames shooting up into the sky

so high, there were --

there were pigeons flying over,

completely cooked. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And then we got the word

there were children

trapped inside the building.

Oh, yeah, sure, doc.

I mean, who would let children

into an ammunition factory?

Uh, it was a school tour.

Oh, yeah, yeah?

What kind of school is this?

Uh...

Military academy,

I believe.

He's too fast for me,

harold.

So, without any regard for

my personal safety whatsoever,

I ran in...

Yeah.

...Dodging the rockets'

red glare,

the bombs bursting

in the air,

and I led those kids

to safety, red.

Yeah?

Well, the -- the smiles

on those little cherubic faces

and the thanks

from their parents

were more than ample

compensation

for the 100 bullet holes

in my body.

How come I've never seen

any bullet marks

on your body, there, doc?

Well, they're --

they're there, red.

They're just -- you know,

you got to look real close.

They're all over my back --

all over my back.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, they look a lot like,

uh, bad acne scars,

but, uh, they're

the real mccoy, all right.

Yeah, you can't outrun a bullet,

my friend.

[ sighs ]

you think you could

outtalk one?

[ squeaking ]

red: Now it's time to get back

to reality.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh.

It's "adventures with bill."

bill got himself

a little bike, there,

he wanted to fix up.

Oh, the kickstand.

That's not a kickstand anyway.

That's just a pair of pliers.

What a neat idea -- use

the pliers as your kickstand.

You can use the pliers

and just --

want to adjust

the handlebars here

and get them

kind of straightened out.

They were kind of out of whack.

And he dropped the bell, and --

and when he bent down

to pick it up,

he had his sleeve caught

in the -- in the handlebar,

which I pointed out to him,

just trying to be safe.

And then...

Oh, my golly.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, my gosh.

And now we were off

to a good start.

Front tire was flat, so bill

figured he'd pump it up.

And pump and pump and pump

and pump, and then just --

oh, oh, oh, oh.

A little too long of a stroke

there, I guess, bill.

Oh, well, no problem.

[ thud ]

oh, sorry.

And he got another pump,

and this is the hand-pump kind

that you can't really extend

quite as much.

Hooks that onto a tire

and just --

now, bill pays too much

attention to the camera,

for my mind,

not enough to the tire.

He had a weak spot there, and

she'd kind of been starting --

oh, my gosh,

she was right there and --

[ explosion ]

oh! Oh! Oh!

Kind of started thinking about

my hernia when I saw that.

Anyway, he got that all done,

and now he's gonna oil up

the chain.

[ horn honks ]

oh, there goes the horn.

Oh, well.

Uh, get that in a minute.

Oil up the chain -- flip her

over and do her upside down.

And, that way, you can

get the wheel spinning

then you get the chain spinning,

and then you can, uh, you know,

just by holding the oil can

in one position,

you can oil the whole chain.

Of course, what was happening

was the oil was catching

on the wheel

and getting thrown pretty well

all over the place.

Well, maybe not

all over the place.

[ whooshing ]

thank you very much, bill.

Well, he got that done,

and he flips her over.

And what he doesn't notice,

of course,

is the chain just falling right

off the bicycle, which...

Whoa!

That would slow you down

a little.

But, uh, he's on it.

He gets the --

gets the chain back on there

and gets her all back into shape

and, uh, puts the horn back on.

I duct-tape the bell on there,

which, uh, you know, holds it,

but it makes it

just a wee little bit...

[ muffled ringing ]

yeah, a little bit quieter

than it would be ordinarily.

And then he still has

the two wrenches, luckily.

So, now they're good enough.

Now look at the streamers

on there.

And he's got the hard hat,

and he's got everything.

Away he goes,

and, boy, he's really --

he can really move

on that thing.

There's oil all over it.

And he's -- he's whistling.

Way to go, bill.

And just whips right by me.

And then the streamers got

caught right up in the tire.

And it's almost --

up and over he goes!

Look out!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, well.

[ squeaking ]

[ horn honks, bill groans ]

"it is spring --

my favorite time of year.

"winter is ice and cold

and shoveling snow

"and cars that won't start.

"summer is baking heat, sunburn,

bugs, and noisy tourists.

"fall is cold and damp,

with leaves to rake

"and everything drying

and freezing up.

"spring only has bugs and rain,

"so it's my favorite

time of year

[clears throat] by default."

[ crickets chirping ]

well, unfortunately,

the situation between murray and

noel has really deteriorated.

Murray's prices are so darn high

in the store

that the lodge members

have all decided to boycott it,

which I put in the "department

of redundancy" department.

The only guy shopping there,

actually, is doc,

because murray lowered

the prices on rubber worms

and fluorescent frogs

in return for doc acting

as murray's lawyer,

which puts them both into one

of those lose-lose situations

that murray and doc

are kind of famous for.

It sure is funny how a shooting

can spoil the mood of a place.

Oh, well, I'm sure we'll get it

all straightened out

at tonight's lodge meeting.

[ screeching ]

oh, uncle red,

that's the call of the meeting.

We have to go now.

Come on, hurry up, okay?

'cause you know how I like

punctuality.

Yeah, and I like

punching you, harold.

Anyway, uh, we'll just go down

to the meeting,

and just hang with us

for a minute, here,

and we'll just clear the air

of any animosity,

and then we can get right back

to hunting.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ screeching continues ]

everybody sit down.

Stinky?

Stinky, get away from there.

We're gonna start.

Okay, all rise, all rise.

Sorry, murray.

All:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

Aah!

Well, sit.

Shut up, harold.

All right.

The floor recognizes

doc render.

Your honor, I call to the stand

as my first witness

dwayne dortman.

What is this,

a courtroom now?

Yes, your honor.

We have a judge, a bailiff,

and 40 jurors.

Excellent!

Now, dwayne, do you promise to

tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth,

so help you god?

Uh, I'll take number 2 --

the whole truth.

Never mind.

Instead, I call the accused

as my next witness --

mr. Noel christmas.

Red:

♪ ba ba ba bum ♪

now, then,

mr. Christmas --

if that is

your real name,

did you or did you not

shoot my client

with malice aforethought

and dire intent?

Uh, I-it was an accident.

Just answer the question,

please.

Uh...Yeah, I did.

[ crowd murmuring ]

okay.

Now I call the victim

to the stand --

mr. Murray woolworth,

owner of the famous store...

Murray's.

Murray,

in your own words,

would you please describe

for the court

just exactly what happened?

He shot my tush.

Hmm.

And why did he do that?

Oh, I don't know.

Think he was jealous

'cause I'm taller than he is!

You're not!

Aha!

Well, now I should like

to call to the stand

my expert medical witness,

doc render.

I object!

You're not a real doctor.

So?

I'm not a real lawyer either.

Now then [clears throat]

doc render [sniffs]

you have examined

the posterior in question?

I have.

And, uh, in your expert

medical opinion,

would you say

that the wound was caused

by deliberate misuse

of a firearm?

Well, it's hard to say.

I, uh, I think --

you think?!

[ scoffing ] you think?

I ask you to consider that

a man's career is at stake here.

Now, ask yourself --

could it have been an accident?

Well, it's hardly

feasible that --

yes or no?!

I, uh...Yes, it --

it could have been an accident.

[ chuckles ]

your honor, I move, then,

that the charges

of attempted murder

be reduced to one of accidental

discharge of a weapon

in a restricted area.

[ sniffs ]

I rest my case.

[ cheers and applause ]

did you just lose this case

for me?

Well, the law

is a funny thing, murray.

That's why I became

a doctor.

Well, you can pay

full price

just like everyone else,

mr. Render.

[ indistinct shouting ]

wait, now, wait, now.

Maybe we can make this

just a little bit fairer.

Noel, why don't you at least pay

for murray's damages?

Hey, that should be enough

for you, shouldn't it?

No.

I think so.

I'm gonna make that motion.

All in favor of that happening,

say "aye."

aye! Aye!

Aye! Aye!

Anybody opposed?

Nay! Nay.

That motion carried.

That's it.

That -- that's it?

Aw.

All right, then. Okay.

I want a new pair of slacks --

$51

a brand-new wallet --

that was real naugahyde -- $49.

I want loss of income -- $90,

a band-aid -- $1.

And a new pair

of underwear.

No, the bullet went through

an already-existing hole.

But I do want pain

and suffering -- $1 million!

[ indistinct shouting ]

yeah, make a list, murray.

Okay, any other business

on the thing there, bill?

Nothing going on?

Okay, let's get noel up here

to entertain us.

[ cheers and applause ]

I think it's only appropriate,

at this time

that, as the head

of lodge security,

we deal with, uh,

safety with firearms.

So I happen to have brought

a rifle up here.

This beauty is loaded,

so I want you all to realize

that this is a dangerous thing.

Well, I thought they could

settle that with a few words,

especially if one of the words

is "money."

and now murray can go

from being 600% overpriced

to back to his usual 300%.

And besides which,

he's got something he can show

his grandchildren,

or at least describe.

Anyway, uh, if my wife

is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and so now would probably

be a good time

to pop my flannel pajamas

into the toaster oven.

If I notice that yours

are in there, too,

I'll treat that as a sign.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ indistinct conversations ]

now, when you pull it up here,

let this snap,

because it'll fire.

But right now -- okay, the gun

is now cocked, okay?

We are ready to kill

at this point.

So, will you hold still

out there

when I'm trying to lecture,

or you're not gonna get

the fine points of this weapon

if you're gonna be jumping

all over!

Okay, now, it's cocked,

it's ready to go.

You aim.

Now, this is important, okay?

Okay, you aim and you --

all right.

So you're looking

down the barrel at the sight,

and you can pretty well

see everybody.

Things moving quickly,

like bob over there, yeah.