Bear!!!/Transcript

The complete transcript for Bear!!!

Intro
''{"The Red Green Show" intro plays as the characters are introduced. After we introduce the characters, there are a few scenes from the show, followed by a stock footage of a bird flying through the sky at sunset, amid various gunshot sounds.}''

''{The camera pans through a cluttered hallway inside the lodge, on its way to the main lobby. During this time, Harold is heard introducing the show.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Gather 'round your television sets, and make sure they're turned on, because this is the wildest wildlife show on the air! Bringing you thrills, chills, spills, and a really nice view of our hallway right around... now! {giggles} This is the show that dares to be different, only because we can't afford to be the same. And here he is, the man who's the most different of them all, the star of the show and, through a cruel twist of DNA fate, my uncle. Here he is, the legal owner of "The Red Green Show", ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Red Green!

''{By now, the camera has reached the lobby. Red enters through the front door, waving to the audience, who applauds.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you, Harold. Thank you, and, uh, welcome to Possum Lodge. Not fancy, but it's paid for. Uh, we got a good show for you this week. Uh, although, I have no idea what Harold meant by the "thrills, chills, and spills".

HAROLD GREEN: Gee, Uncle Red, I was referring to my directorial digitalizing. That's what gives the show its cutting-edge feel!

''{Harold plays his switcher. A transparent shot of him is shown twisting around against a shot of the Possum Lake area at sunset.}''

RED GREEN: Well, that makes me feel like cutting the edge of your digits, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking down at his switcher} This is state-of-the-art, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, I don't know about art, but I know what I like, and that doesn't even come close. And don't you even come close, either. {to camera} Try to keep that nonsense to a minimum. {looks outside the window briefly} Got a bit of a situation going on at the lodge this week. Uh, we're kind of trapped in the lodge. Uh, nobody can go outside.

HAROLD GREEN: Are we being audited again?

RED GREEN: No, Harold, there's a– there's a bear outside.

HAROLD GREEN: {shocked} A bear?! Like, a real bear?! Like, with claws and fangs and stu– Like, a bear?! A bear?!? Like, what if the bear, like, breaks down the door, like, just mauls us to death for no reason?! We should shoot it! We should shoot it.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Harold, Harold, Harold! You know, despite a lot of misconceptions, of which you are one, bears don't just randomly, you know, maul people and kill them, okay? If the bear comes in here and kills you, it'll be to eat you. But that's not gonna happen, Harold, 'cause it'll sniff you first. {to camera} Now, this all got started when our cook, Eddie, made some honey-raisin muffins, and he put them out on the back porch until they stopped burning.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, so, like, the bear was attracted by the smell of Eddie's cooking?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no. Even bears aren't that hungry. No, I'll tell you what happened. Old Man Sedgewick and Buster Hadfield went down to the store to buy some bear repellant, and Dwayne, y'know, being Dwayne, sold them bear musk by mistake, okay? Now, to a bear, bear musk is like a Madonna video and the Sports Illustrated swimwear issue all rolled into one, okay? So, they came back here, and they sprayed that all over the place, and now what we have is a... is a pretty eager male bear, you know, kind of drooling around the lodge there.

HAROLD GREEN: Wait a second. If they sprayed, like, bear musk all around, he's not sniffing for food.

RED GREEN: Oh, you're probably right. And if he comes in here, {clears throat} he won't be hungry.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, what say we just get rolling with the show, and then we can barricade the door?

RED GREEN: Yeah, good idea, good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

{Red runs toward the door while Harold plays his switcher to trigger the next scene.}

In the Lodge
''{Harold, Helmut and Bill stand behind a card table, staring at the front door. They listen as they hear the sound of the bear grunting.}''

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: See the bear sniffing around Red's van there?

HAROLD GREEN: Uh-huh.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: You see the way he's sniffing the trailer hitch? It must be mating season.

''{The bear growls. Suddenly, they hear the sound of a police siren.}''

HAROLD GREEN: Oh! Here comes Noel in his fuzz mobile!

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Yeah? Does he know about the bear?

HAROLD GREEN: I don't think so. I sure hope he sees it. {laughs} I don't think he does!

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {laughs and points} He doesn't! He doesn't even know about it!

''{Helmut and Harold both laugh. Just then, Red walks up behind them, holding a drink.}''

RED GREEN: The bear still out there, guys?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah. He's stalking Noel! Neat, eh?

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {amused} Noel doesn't even know it. Look at him dicking around with his siren.

''{Harold giggles. The siren stops, and the bear is heard growling again. Suddenly, Noel screams, presumably at the sight of the bear.}''

RED GREEN: Well, he knows about it now.

HAROLD GREEN: Whoa! {laughs} Wow, he sure can motor!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: He moves pretty good for a dwarf! Where's he going?

RED GREEN: Tool shed?

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {straining for a good look} No, pump house. Oh, it's locked!

{Noel screams again as the bear growls, while the guys inside all laugh.}

RED GREEN: Y'know, I've never seen a man hurdle a barbecue before.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, I gotta go get my camera! This is excellent! {runs into a corner of the lodge}

RED GREEN: {pointing out window} Oh, oh, oh, oh! Look, look! The boathouse is locked.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {laughs} I told him we didn't need all those locks.

RED GREEN: That's right.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Oh, the bear's gaining on him!

RED GREEN: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! {sees Noel run by the window} Here he comes! Here he comes! Here he comes! {waving Noel in} Come on, Noel! Come on! Come on!

''{Noel runs through the front door, as everyone cheers him. He stops for breath and leans against the back of a couch for support.}''

RED GREEN: Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel! {gives Noel a high-five} Yeah! Noel? {Noel grabs drink out of Red's hand and chugs it} Oh, yeah, sure. If you'd like a drink or anything, just help yourself there. I'll get more.

{Red walks off as Noel, panting for breath, takes out his police camcorder and speaks into it.}

NOEL CHRISTMAS: Starship entry, 167d. Investigate the sighting of a bear near the lodge. Light brown in color, approximately fourteen feet tall, definitely male.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {pointing outside} What are you gonna do about it, Noel?

NOEL CHRISTMAS: {stunned} Me?! I– Which– If you're referring– Nothing!

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Well, you're, uh, head of security there. That's why you're dressed like a fire truck, isn't it?

NOEL CHRISTMAS: Look, Helmut, when it starts breaking into a lodge member's car or... swiping cutlery, hey, I'm there for you, buddy.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: The bear's trespassing, Noel.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, actually, Helmut, he's not. We're the ones who are trespassing on his natural habitat. See, because bears were here a long time before us, and they will be here a long time afterwards.

HELMUT WINTEGARDEN: Not if Noel goes out and shoots him.

NOEL CHRISTMAS: {shocked} Wha– {sputters} I'm not allowed to carry a gun.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: You can borrow one of mine.

NOEL CHRISTMAS: I-I'm not even allowed to hold a gun.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Well, why don't you go out and do one of those karate tae-kwon-dork moves you're always talking about, then?

NOEL CHRISTMAS: Look, Helmut, {points outside} that bear's a maintenance problem. You're in charge of maintenance; you get rid of it.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Maintenance? What, is the bear clogging the drains? I must have missed that.

NOEL CHRISTMAS: No, but you are responsible for clearing the paths and the roadways so we can get to the vehicles.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Look, I shovel snow; I rake leaves. Anything that moves, you deal with. {looks aside} Right, Red?

RED GREEN: {holding another drink, standing up from sitting in chair} Oh, no, no. You two guys settle this. But whatever you do, settle it in a hurry, because sometime in the next two weeks, somebody's gonna have to use that outhouse.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {to Noel} You heard him. Go kill that bear, you coward.

NOEL CHRISTMAS: He didn't say that! And don't you call me a coward, mister! Or else, I'll, uh...

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Or else what?

RED GREEN: {pointing to Red after stumbling for words} ...He didn't say I had to kill the bear!

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, okay! I got the camera figured out. All righty. Noel, go outside, and do exactly what you did before, okay? This time I'm ready. {giggles; Noel visibly refuses} Go on!

''{Suddenly, they hear the sound of another vehicle approaching, which gets their attention. They watch and listen intently.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {excited} Oh! It's Murray and Dwayne! Oh, I gotta get my wide-angle lens for this one! {adjusts camera}

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Do they know about the bear?

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles; singsong voice} I don't think so...

{The bear is heard growling, and Murray and Dwayne are heard screaming.}

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Oh, they do now.

{Everyone laughs as Harold looks out through his camera to take pictures.}

NOEL CHRISTMAS: Oh, this is fun! Wow! Hey, was I that fast when I was running?

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Faster, {flaps his hands} only your arms weren't flapping. {Noel laughs}

Red's Campfire Song
{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:
 * As I was walking
 * Through the woods one day,
 * I came upon a swagman
 * Jollying on his way.
 * He said he was waltzing
 * Matilda to a billabong,
 * And he refused to speak English
 * So I nailed him.

Handyman Corner
''{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another area of the lodge, where Red is standing behind his worktable.}''

RED GREEN: This week in Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you how you can, uh, scare off wild animals. For example, bears. You know, uh, bears hardly ever take a swipe at anybody. They're mostly noise and teeth, kinda like Harold. But you know, uh, what you gotta do is, you gotta find a way to scare him off, and what we're gonna make today is called a bear scarer. See, 'cause in the animal kingdom now, a lot of the fights are avoided by one of the animals {holding out both hands} making a big display. You'll see a cat {throws hands up} putting its fur up, you know, or a peacock {makes a whipping motion with his hand} will whip his tail out there, or dogs will snarl, you know, and show their teeth. And, uh, the idea is you make yourself look, uh, real vicious and mean. Or at least hard to swallow. {looks at various items on worktable} So you what you wanna do to-to make our bear scarer, you're gonna need some things. {holds up items, one by one} You're gonna need– You're gonna need some marbles, and you're gonna need some Hawaiian shirts. You're gonna need a backpack, some aluminum tent pegs, you're gonna need, uh, some eyebolts, some sash cord, and, uh, some rubber gloves. And if you're looking for those things, you may be able to find them all in Harold's closet. Now, the first thing I'm gonna show you is, um, {takes a can} how you make the counterweight, uh, noisemaker part of the deal. {holds up can} You take a small can like this, {takes bag of marbles} and you put the marbles into the can. {pours marbles into can, then takes a bigger can, big enough to cover over the smaller can} All right. And then you put the small can upside-down into the big can. {does so quickly, then takes a roll of duct tape} Okay, and then you just cover that over with the handyman's secret weapon. {takes a second big can, which had already been made into a noisemaker of this kind} You make two of those, and there are your noisemakers. {shakes can up and down, causing marbles inside to rattle} They work. Now we're gonna make our visual display. {takes backpack} To do that, we take our backpack, put it into the vice... {shoves tent pegs aside, revealing vice, which he opens to put backpack into it} And we're gonna stick on these eyebolts {takes eyebolts} in the top of the vertical supports.

''{Red sticks one eyebolt into one support. He can't seem to find a second eyebolt, however, and he starts shoving the tent pegs aside trying to find it. Wipe to a later scene. The eyebolts have been attached to the backpack, with the PVC duct-taped to the sides.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, so, once we got our eyebolts on here, we've added the... the pieces of PVC pipe to the side, and we really horsed her down there with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. And again, uh, be generous with the duct tape, you know? Spare the duct tape, spoil the job. All right, now we take, uh, one of our pieces of sash cord, run it through the eyebolt, okay, like this. {does so} The other end, we've again duct-taped to the bottom of one of our tent poles, {puts tent pole inside PVC pipe} and we drop that down inside... inside the PVC pipe. I've done the same thing on the other side. And when we pull the strings... {pulls on strings, causing tent poles in pipes to rise up} Well, I think you can see where we're going with this.

''{Wipe again to a later scene. Red has put the gloves on top of the tent poles. He stuffs the Hawaiian shirts into the backpack.}''

RED GREEN: Now we just finish packing in our, uh, plumage here. Now take the ends of the pull cords and attach them to our noisemakers.

''{Red starts wrapping the cord around one of the noisemakers. Still later, Red now is wearing the backpack on his back. He smiles confidently.}''

RED GREEN: Now I'm out walking through the woods, and I come across a bear or a wolf or Helmut, and I just do what the peacock does.

''{He pulls on the cords, causing the noisemakers to rattle. It also causes the gloves to rise and the tent poles to stick out, revealing the Hawaiian shirts in the style of a peacock's plumage.}''

RED GREEN: Now, if that doesn't get you to the outhouse safely, I don't know what will. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {hears a clicking sound as he turns around} I'm losing my marbles here. {shuffles around, kicking the noisemakers around; chanting} Ooga-chaka, ooga-chaka...

The Winter of Our Discount Tent
''{Red walks up between two snow-covered trees, dressed in a heavy parka. He reads from a book.}''

RED GREEN: It is winter. The bear sleeps. Not alone like me, but with many other bears in some dark den. I bet that doesn't smell too great.

Plot Segment 2
''{Red enters the lodge, holding pieces of his bear scarer from earlier. He drops them on the floor as he walks up close to the camera, clearing his throat.}''

RED GREEN: All right, uh, back to the drawing board. Noel, the security guard, now, he wants somebody else to go out there and shoot the bear, but that's illegal unless the bear is a danger. A-And actually, with the lodge members being all kind of trapped inside here and not being allowed to go on the lake or on the highways, the danger level is-is way down. So, then, Noel says that maybe Helmut should go out and argue with it, 'cause they both speak grunt. But Helmut doesn't want to do that; Helmut wants us all to dig a big tunnel like they did in that movie The Great Escape. Then there was a big argument about who was gonna be Steve McQueen. Then Moose Thompson out there tried to lasso the bear, ended up being trapped up in a pine tree.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, actually, you know, bears aren't that dangerous. I saw a movie downtown the other day, and there was, like, these two brown bears, and they were roaming around a national park. They didn't maul anybody or nothing. Actually, you know, they were more afraid of the people than the people were of them.

RED GREEN: And did they shoot the bears?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no! No, no! See? No. Just Ranger Smith told Yogi and Boo-Boo {as Yogi Bear} to put back those pic-a-nic baskets! {giggles}

RED GREEN: Well, there you go, Harold, eh? Huh? Huh? But our bear isn't hungry, okay? He's smelling musk out there. He's not gonna be satisfied with dinner and a dance.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, he wants– {suggestively} he wants a lady friend.

RED GREEN: Well, we all want lady friends, Harold, but we don't go around drooling and rubbing our rumps up against a tree.

HAROLD GREEN: No. Even I know that one won't work. Well, you know, it might, but it's not the type of girls your parents would approve of.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} No. Right. {turns back to camera} So, anyway, Helmut says that the bear is so desperate for a mate that what we can do is duct-tape together a couple of air mattresses, cover them with some fun-fur seat covers, and then douse the whole thing with musk and throw her out there. That might buy us enough time; we can make a break for my van.

HAROLD GREEN: In the meantime, I'll take us to the next segment, and that'll give us just enough time that I can think of a brilliant plan. {plays his switcher to trigger the next scene}

RED GREEN: This must be a really long segment.

Visit With Murray Woolworth
{Red goes into Murray's Variety Store and meets Dwayne, who runs into the store room in the back.}

DWAYNE: I'll go into the store room and get the stuff!

RED GREEN: How much this gonna cost the lodge?

DWAYNE: Does $15 sound good?

RED GREEN: I'll give you twenty if you take a check.

DWAYNE: Sounds good. {runs back out, holding two items for Red, which he gives to him} Here's the tranquilizer, and here's the bear repellant.

{Red takes the bear repellant and sprays himself with it before handing it back to Dwayne.}

RED GREEN: Let's go. {they both leave}

Conversations With Harold
''{Outside the lodge, Red is working on the engine of the Possum Van, and Harold is helping him by providing tools. He gives Red a wrench.}''

RED GREEN: How's school going this year, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, great! Excellent! Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Best year ever. Oh, yeah, yeah. Football team's even winning. Sure.

RED GREEN: Oh, great. Sounds like you're doing pretty well, then, eh?

HAROLD GREEN: Me? Oh, no. Me, I'm just barely getting by. The school's doing good, though. I thought you were asking about the school. School's doing good. I'm just, you know, struggling by, as always.

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, I would think you'd be real good in school, you know, 'cause you got the glasses, and you're a real Gomer at sports and stuff.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I know. You'd figure, you know. But I'm doing okay in computers and geography. It's my television class.

RED GREEN: Oh.

HAROLD GREEN: You know? We're supposed to make a TV show, right, so we each got a $100 budget. So, I made an episode of "The Red Green Show". Remember that extra one we made last fall? That one.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, how'd you do on that, anyway?

HAROLD GREEN: I got a "D"! A "D"! The teacher wanted to know where I spent the other $90.

RED GREEN: And where did you spend it?

HAROLD GREEN: I got this really cool computer game, "Zortex". So cool! So cool! Haw!

Plot Segment 3
''{The lodge members all stand with their backs to one another, all carrying weapons of some kind, to protect themselves from the bear. Bill is wearing a hockey helmet and holding a set of ski poles for weapons. Dwayne backs into the group, holding a patio umbrella.}''

DWAYNE: Okay, I'm ready!

NOEL CHRISTMAS: {holding a snowshoe for a weapon; seeing umbrella} How are you gonna stop a bear with that?

DWAYNE: I stick it down his throat, then open it!

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: {holding a tennis racquet; sarcastically} Oh, yeah, and while the bear's laughing at that, we can all go to the bathroom.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: {wearing a pot for a helmet; holding a baseball bat and a trashcan lid for a shield} Just don't open that in here; it's bad luck.

HAROLD GREEN: {wearing a pith helmet; holding a butterfly net and a fly swatter} Oh, well, please hurry, or we're gonna have even more bad luck!

RED GREEN: {holding a hockey stick and a trashcan lid for a shield} Yeah, he's right. Nature's calling. Who's ready to answer? {everyone cheers} Okay, let's go.

NOEL CHRISTMAS: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Red, I-I'm head of security. I-I should say "Let's go." {beat} Okay, let's go!

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Wait, wait, wait! I-I forgot something! {runs off}

RED GREEN: {groans in frustration} Where's he going?

DWAYNE: He said he forgot something. You guys don't listen.

{Murray then returns, holding a magazine.}

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Reading material!

{Everyone else groans and nod their head.}

NOEL CHRISTMAS: Now, remember, guys, animals can smell fear.

HELMUT WINTERGARDEN: Yeah, they're not the only one.

RED GREEN: Okay, when we get there, alphabetical order.

NOEL CHRISTMAS: Okay.

{Everyone starts walking toward the front door together, everyone's backs to one another.}

RED GREEN: My name's Albert.

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: {holding up racquet} Brian!

RED GREEN: And Allen.

''{The group reaches the front door and open it to go out, groaning from the need to relieve themselves. Cut to the outside of the lodge as the bear is heard growling. Everyone screams and runs back into the lodge, dropping their weapons as they do. Harold is the last to run in, and he closes the door behind him. He whoops in surprise as he clutches at his rear.}''

Plot Segment 4
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Okay. I'm ready.

How are you gonna stop a bear

with that?

I stick it down his throat,

then open it.

Murray: Oh, yeah, and while

the bear's laughing at that,

we can all go

to the bathroom.

Just don't open that in here.

It's bad luck.

Please hurry,

or we're gonna have

even more bad luck.

Yeah, he's right.

Nature's calling.

Who's ready

to answer?

[ all cheer ]

okay, let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa!

Red,

I-I'm head of security.

I-I should say

"let's go."

okay. Let's go.

Wait! Wait! Wait!

I-I forgot something!

Ohh!

Where's he going?

He said

he forgot something.

You guys

don't listen.

Reading material.

[ all speak

indistinctly ]

now, remember, guys,

animals can smell fear.

Yeah, they're not

the only one.

Okay, when we get there,

alphabetical order.

Okay.

My name's albert.

Brian!

And allen.

[ bear growls ]

[ all scream ]

whoo! Whoo!

Well, the can of bear repellant

was a big disappointment.

Dwayne pointed it the wrong way

and sprayed himself in the face,

dropped the can.

The bear ate it.

At least now the bear won't eat

dwayne's face, although I might.

We tried a tranquilizer gun,

but our aim was off,

and we ended up hitting

moose thompson

up in the pine tree.

Uncle red,

how long does it take

for the tranquilizer

to take effect?

Just a little bit longer

than it takes a bear

to maul a person

from head to toe.

Is that just a guess,

uncle red,

or is that what it says

in the instructions?

We can't go on like this

much longer.

I mean, the washroom situation

is getting brutal around here.

A lot of the guys have been

taking potted plants

up to their room.

Somebody's gonna have to show

a little bravery.

Or stupidity.

Is that you volunteering?

[ screeching ]

boy, that bear

really is in heat.

No, no, no, no. That's the sound

of the wild possum.

The lodge meeting's

about to begin.

Oh. Well, we'll just see

who's the lucky lodge member

who gets to sedate

winnie the pooh.

[ laughs ] I'm sure glad

I'm not a lodge member.

Aren't we all?

Well, they say that a hero

is just a sandwich.

Let's go see

who gets to hold the pickle.

[ screeching ]

[ screeching continues ]

all rise.

All: Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

Sit down.

The floor recognizes

helmut wintergarden.

I would like to know

why noel hasn't done anything

about the bear yet.

Yeah! Why not?

Well, uh, I'm not in charge

of pest control.

My job

is to prevent thefts.

Good point. Yeah.

Well, if you ask me, the bear's

stolen your courage, noel.

Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you go out

and talk to it?

You might find out

it's your uncle or something.

All right,

hold on, hold on.

Look,

it's a well-known fact

that bears are only in heat

for two weeks.

I think we can hold out

that long.

Speak for yourself there,

murray. Right?

Question. Question.

What -- what does, uh,

"in heat" mean?

Right.

Well, harold, uh,

"in heat" means

the bear has more than georgia

on its mind.

[ laughing ]

don't even pretend

to get that.

Not a clue.

See, harold, animals only get

in the mood to mate

for a short period of time

once a year.

Whoo-hoo!

Boy, that'd make it easy,

wouldn't it?

Boy, way more time

for nintendo, right?

Yeah. Huh? Huh?

What?

Shut up, harold.

Anyway, I think we all agree

that it's up to noel or helmut

to do something

about the bear, right?

[ all speak indistinctly ]

let's put it to a vote --

noel or helmut?

Sure. Yeah.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, red, since you're

the lodge leader,

I think maybe red should do

something about the, uh, bear.

Sure.

Somebody should, yep.

Well, I am doing something

about it.

All those in favor of noel

taking care of the bear,

say "aye."

aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye.

All of those in favor of helmut

taking care of the bear,

say "aye."

aye. Aye.

Aye. Aye.

Well, there you go, then,

don't you?

[ laughs ]

I-I-it's a tie.

All righty.

You know what

we're gonna do?

Uncle red will have to make

the deciding vote.

[ cheers and applause ]

well, I'm gonna need some time

to think this over,

so, uh,

so while I'm deciding,

uh, why don't we get murray

and dwayne

to come up here and give us the

evening's entertainment, huh?

[ applause ]

well, what we're gonna do

for you this week, boys,

we're gonna tell you

the story

of goldilocks

and the three bears, all right?

Boy, it's funny

how one scruffy bear

who's looking for love

in all the wrong places

can disrupt so many lives.

[ bear groaning ]

what's that?

Well, love exciting and new,

come aboard.

We're expecting you.

It seems our bear has found

himself a lady friend.

I think we're gonna be able to

go back outside again real soon.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I should be able

to get to my van

and, uh, come home

in about, uh...

Two minutes --

just a guess.

Maybe you can check to see if

you can find our bear-skin rug.

So, until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge

and the bear

and his lady friend,

keep your stick on the ice.

Yes!

Wait, wait.

We're not doing

the bear stuff yet.

Goldilocks.

You're goldilocks.

I want to be the bear.

I know you want to be the bear,

but you'll be the bear later.

Let him be the bear!

All right, be the bear!

We'll turn it around.

Okay, the bear is in the forest

and tired

and comes up to this goldenlock

family's house, okay?

So, anyway, goes up to the door

and knocks on the door --

the bear knocks on the door?

What are you talking about?

It's a fairy tale, and bears

can do anything they want.

How come you're the bear?

Shouldn't you be goldilocks?

Well, he wants to be

the bear.

He's an idiot,

and he wants to be the bear.

That's the way he is.

There's a friend of yours

waiting outside.

There you go, dwayne.

[ all speaking indistinctly ]

away you go!

Away you go!

Wag your tail around

at him!

Away you go.

Away you go.

Can I have his job

at the store?

Most definitely

you can, yes.

Can I have

one of the pups?