Lady In Red/Transcript

The complete transcript for Lady In Red

Opening Scene
{Red is digging a hole in the middle of a road with a pickax.}

RED GREEN: You know, if you need new hubcaps, just dig a hole. Of course, what's important is where you dig it.

''{Suddenly, Red runs over to the side of the road and ducks down. A car comes down the road and runs over the newly-dug hole. One of the car's hubcaps pops off the wheel and rolls across the road.}''

RED GREEN: {getting back up} That's a good one! I got a couple that match.

''{Red runs after the hubcap, which rolls toward a pile of other hubcaps on the other side of the road. A few big tires also lie in the pile. Red stoops down beside the new hubcap and holds it up to the camera, smiling. Suddenly, another car goes past and also runs over the hole, causing another hubcap to roll towards Red, who takes this hubcap and holds it up to the camera.}''

Intro
''{Red enters the lodge with his head lying on his left shoulder. He waves as the audience cheers.}''

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. {waves down the cheering} Thank you. Appreciate it. Uh, you know, somebody left {gestures behind him with right thumb} a big load of steel drainpipes up by the main road there, and... Uh, probably the Department of Highways or whatever. {moves hand around} They were just lying there, y'know. {makes circling motion with hand} Just a flimsy little chain locked around them there, y'know. {shakes head} It's a shame to see 'em just– just sittin' there, you know? They're heavy, but {makes lifting motion with left hand toward shoulder} if you get 'em up onto your shoulder... {pretends to carry something on his shoulder} you know, you can actually... you can actually carry 'em. I took a couple dozen, and, uh... {gestures behind him} Mike and Dalton pretty much cleaned the place right out.

''{Dalton then enters the lodge, similar to Red, with his head on his shoulder. In this case, it's his right shoulder.}''

RED GREEN: Oh, uh... {Dalton waves to Red} Hey, Dalton. How's the neck?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {slightly pained} Oh, it's pretty sore, y'know. {holds up hand} Oh, a little stiff.

RED GREEN: Yeah. Didn't realize you were left-handed.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. {groans as he touches his back} Boy, that is sore! You know, I had to sleep on the floor last night. Anne-Marie wasn't even home. {groans again}

RED GREEN: Oh. {chuckles}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, I tell ya, though. That little Mike's gonna be hurting today, huh?

RED GREEN: Oh boy, oh boy! I bet he's curled up like a strip of bacon.

''{Red laughs, but it hurts his neck. He clutches at his neck in pain and groans. Then Mike walks into the lodge, upright with no apparent problems to his person.}''

MIKE HAMAR: Hi, guys! What's up? {seeing Red and Dalton in pain} Double lynching? {laughs}

RED GREEN: Geeze, Mike! {pointing at Mike} How come you're not all bent out of shape?

MIKE HAMAR: {holds up index finger} 'Cause I take good care of myself. {crosses arms} Do you know that Possum Lake has a new chiropractor, and I was her first customer?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {surprised} Her?

MIKE HAMAR: {smiles} Oh yeah! Oh my yeah! {giggles} You guys should go down and see her! She did things to my body that are barely legal! {nods}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Wow!

RED GREEN: It's the word "barely" that scares me.

MIKE HAMAR: {shakes head} I said I'd find her some new customers. You guys in or out?

RED GREEN: {waving dismissively} Oh, no, I'm out. {looks away}

DALTON HUMPHREY: My back is, so I'm in.

MIKE HAMAR: Good man! Let's go! {Mike and Dalton turn and head for the front door; Mike then stops and looks at Red} Hey, it's not too late to change your mind, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: No, no, you guys go ahead. I'm fine.

MIKE HAMAR: {looking at Red} Yeah, you look fine.

{Red waves dismissively as Mike and Dalton leave the lodge.}

Segue: Red Green
''{Red continues to rummage through his pile of hubcaps. Suddenly, a policeman walks up behind him. Red sees him and looks around in the pile for a hubcap. He picks one up and shows it to the policeman, who nods and takes it, then walks off. Red then continues to rummage through the pile.}''

Visit With Dalton Humphrey
''{Red and Dalton pull up to Dalton's house in the Possum Van. Ed is in the back seat.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: Got my movies there, Ed?

ED FRID: Oh, yeah, I got 'em right here. {feels around himself and pulls out two videotapes}

RED GREEN: Boy, if that works, I've wasted a fortune on a VCR. {he and Dalton both laugh}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You think Anne-Murray's gonna notice I didn't get any movies that she wanted?

RED GREEN: {suddenly concerned} Well, what movies did she ask for?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {somewhat disgusted} Well, she asked for Steel Magnolias and Beaches.

RED GREEN: And what movies did you get?

ED FRID: {holding up both tapes proudly} Scarface and The Terminator.

RED GREEN: I think when Al Pacino fires up the chainsaw, she might twig onto it. {Ed nods}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You guys are gonna have to help me here.

ED FRID: Well, you could tell her that the video store was all out. It's possible; there's a lot of other women in the area, eh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, well, what if she phones the video store and finds out that all thirty copies of both movies are still there?

RED GREEN: She can't phone the video store.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Why not?

RED GREEN: Because on your way into the house, you're gonna cut the phone line.

ED FRID: {delighted by the idea} And the cable! {Red nods eagerly} You cut the cable, {holds up tapes} and you walk in with tonight's only entertainment right in your hand! {Dalton excitedly takes the tapes} That's big points, buddy!

DALTON HUMPHREY: That's foolproof, that's foolproof!

RED GREEN: {laughs} Well, it– it's fool-something!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {opening the van door and getting out, holding the tapes} All right, see ya, guys!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Thanks for the tip.

RED GREEN: Alright.

''{Dalton closes the door. Red and Ed wave to Dalton as he walks into the house, passing in front of the van as he does and giving Red and Ed a thumbs-up.}''

ED FRID: Okay. {laughs}

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah.

ED FRID: He's a dead man.

RED GREEN: Yeah, a dead man with no phone or cable.

Handyman Corner
{Red walks along, holding a huge sack of flour in one hand and a bucket of water in the other.}

RED GREEN: You know, I really try to stay away from current trends and fads, and I have been ever since I wore that Nehru jacket to my grade-eight dance. But you gotta give in once in a while or people will think you're behind the times, you know. Like, right now, my wife, Bernice, she wants one of those automatic bread-making machines. I'm saying, "Hey, let's see if this handyman can make our own," eh? {walks up to a washing machine} Make it out of something we already have, something we use only once a week, like maybe an automatic washing machine. {sets sack and bucket down; gestures toward washing machine} It's watertight, {walks behind machine} it has time cycles, it's even got an agitator, so like most of us, it kneads the dough. {chuckles} Y'know, I'll recycle anything. Okay, what you have to do, too, is, you gotta change some of the wording on the control panel. {picks up Black Magic Marker} Like, where it says "heavy duty", that'll be "whole wheat". "Delicate", you switch that to "pastry". And "regular"... {looks up in thought; shrugs} leave that as "regular", I guess. {looks at panel again} And then, over here, where you got "size of load", you wanna change that "D" to an "F", {uses pen to replace "D" in "load" with "F", so it now reads "loaf"} and it's "size of loaf", eh? {lifts up lid} And you can add, y'know, different ingredients in here, so you got all your specialty breads. Like, you could put malt in there, you can have malt bread. A couple of shots of rye, you got rye bread. Hey, it's a washing machine; throw some shorts in there, you got shortbread! {wipes hands together} All right, that's about it, except– except for the heat. {walks over to a pile of toasters on another table} You're gonna need some kind of a source of heat on that, so... {picks up a toaster} I would suggest you take the heating element out of an extra toaster. You got no extra toasters lying around your house? Get married! {looks into toaster} The elements should pop right out of this.

''{Red looks very closely at the toaster. He then sets the toaster down and pushes up on the toaster button on the side. Two black, burnt pieces of toast pop up. Red takes them and looks at them closely. He sniffs them and then tosses them aside. Wipe to a later scene. A montage begins. First, Red struggles to pull out some wiring from the toaster with a pair of needle-nose pliers. He then slams the toaster down on the table repeatedly. Next, he slams the toaster down on the ground, using his pliers. Then, holding the toaster by its electrical cord, he swings the toaster around and continues to slam it down on the table. Finally, Red has removed the toaster elements and duct-taped underneath the lid of the washing machine.}''

RED GREEN: All right, let's make bread!

''{The montage continues. Red picks up the bucket of water and pours it into the washing machine. Next, he takes a brick trowel and uses it scoops up a heap of shortening and dump into the washing machine. He then pours some yeast into the machine, followed by a big handful of baking soda, some of which Red pours into his hand before he drops it in. He then dumps the huge sack of flour into the machine, shaking the sack around as he does so. Flour dust wafts out of the machine as this happens. As Red shakes the sack, some flour falls out on the machine and lands on the ground. Next, all covered in flour, Red takes a huge measuring cup full of brown sugar and pours a small bit of it into the washing machine. He puts the cup aside and closes the lid of the machine. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera and sets the timer. The machine starts humming. It then starts shaking as the spin cycle starts up. Then it stops shaking and then stops humming in that order. A moment later, the lid pops open as the newly-made bread dough rises. A little while later, the toaster elements have turned red and dark as smoke spews out of the washing machine. A timer is heard dinging. The bread has been fully baked nicely. The montage finally ends.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, she's all done.

''{Red runs up and touches the lid, several times very lightly and several times pulling back because it is so hot. He finally pushes the lid back fully. He rubs his hands together.}''

RED GREEN: Man! Smells great, doesn't it?

''{Red reaches out to touch the bread, but again pulls his hands back to avoid getting burned. Wipe to a later scene. Red brings out the huge loaf of bread, the size of the washing machine inside, and sets it on the worktable.}''

RED GREEN: Is that a beautiful thing or what? {chuckles; points to washing machine} And to clean out the machine, just run a load of work socks through there. {bends down and picks up a chainsaw} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {looks offscreen} Who wants a sandwich? {starts up chainsaw and brings down on side of bread}

Famous People In Possum Lake History
{Red walks into another room in the lodge, holding a sign.}

RED GREEN: When he was elected, he was the most popular mayor Possum Lake had ever had. He promised to put the town on the map and decrease the unemployment rate. Instead, he put the town in the red and increased the illegitimacy rate.

{Red holds up his sign, which reads, "WANTED FOR MAYOR - HONEST JOHN JONASSEN".}

RED GREEN: He was Honest John Jonassen. He walked into Possum Lake one day, looking to buy a car. He asked us where the local Rolls-Royce dealership was.

''{Cut to a photograph of a family out in front of their house in the woods. Some women are standing around while a few men try to tend to a mule. Nearby is a pile of firewood.}''

RED GREEN: {voiceover} He just couldn't believe that a town with this kind of vibrant energy and cosmopolitan flair wouldn't catch the eye of the Rolls-Royce people. In hindsight, that should've been a tip-off.

{Cut to Hap Shaughnessy on his boat.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, he was a charmer, I'll grant you that. He asked me to help him with Possum Lake's bid for the 1986 Winter Olympics. {shrugs} I didn't know how much help I could be. It'd been years since my last gold medal. In pickling. When I asked how our bid could stand a chance, he flat-out told me he was going to bribe the Olympic officials. He was ahead of his time, really.

''{Hap nods. Cut to Dalton in his store.}''

DALTON HUMPHREY: John also sold timesharing holiday properties down south, right? He would show us these pictures of these beautiful beachfront condos and then he explained that we could swap our places at Possum Lake with somebody who lived in one of these joints. Boy, that guy could sell, you know. He coulda sold Gandhi a Big Mac. {shakes head with uncertainty} We bought into it, and, uh... {shrugs} Two weeks later, he shows up with this family from Florida and says that they're here to timeshare with us for a month now.

{Cut to a photograph of people sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor of a shack and one person sleeping in a bed.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {voiceover} So he goes out to his car, he opens the trunk, and out get five guys with bedrolls. They walk into our living room and they camp out on the floor!

{Cut back to Dalton.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: These people were weird, even for Florida.

''{Dalton nods slowly. Cut to Mike sitting in the backseat of a police car with the door next to him open.}''

MIKE HAMAR: I recognized those guys. They've done time in jail. They were just guys on the lam looking for a place to hide out. I mean, would guys from Florida have no tan? And scurvy? Come on!

''{A policeman walks up and shuts the door next to Mike and gets into the car. Cut back to Red, who is holding a folded piece of paper.}''

RED GREEN: His big scam was Honest John's pyramid scheme. And these weren't pyramid sales. These were real pyramids.

{Cut to the inside of a pyramid.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} John wanted to build pyramids, and then, for five hundred bucks, you could be buried like King Tut.

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: We thought he was on the up-and-up, because he had funding from three levels of government. {shakes head} Well... Listen to me. {holds up and unfolds piece of paper} Then he sold a bunch of us these municipal bonds. {looks at paper} They were made of paper, which was good, because everybody in Possum Lake has a fireplace and an outhouse. {crumples paper and tosses it aside} Honest John Jonassen knew he was in trouble. Nobody could ignore that many eggs smashing up against their house. Then one night, he just disappeared. Nobody knows how. Some say he drowned, trying to swim across Possum Lake with seven hundred pounds of parking meter coins in his pants pockets. We'd have to dredge the lake to know for sure. But we're not gonna go looking for him until we miss him.

''{Red turns and leaves the room. Cut to a closeup of Red's WANTED sign.}''