New Well/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

[ gunshots, glass shatters ]

harold: You've probably seen

a lot of things,

and, anyway, that's probably

none of my business.

But I bet you've never seen

a television show like this one.

That's because

there's never been

a television show

like this one.

Well, let's hope that's because

no one's ever thought of it

rather than, like, simply they

dismissed the whole concept.

Oh, oh, you know

what would be worse?

They tried it

and no one like it.

[ speaks indistinctly ]

oh, anyway, here's the star

of "the red green show,"

and, incidentally, my uncle,

red green!

Thank you very much.

Uh, welcome to the show.

And, uh, of course,

a special hello

to our group of shut-ins,

uh, at leavenworth.

Uh, good luck

with the parole board.

And, uh, speaking

of parole boards,

come on in here a minute,

harold.

Harold is the producer

and director of the show,

and, uh, also he has

this, uh, fancy machine here

that enables him to move

into other segments of the show

and kind of

keep the pace up

if, you know,

it's getting a bit draggy

or slow or what have you.

Give us a little demo on that

unit there, would you, harold?

Oh, sure.

No sweat.

[ keyboard clacking ]

oh, harold,

I said just a demo.

I'm supposed to tell

my well-digging story.

Well, let's hope the audience

can curb their disappointment.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ when life gets you down

and you can't wait to die ♪

♪ when the slightest contusion

brings a tear to your eye ♪

♪ here's what I do

when things go wrong ♪

♪ I go on my own tv show

and sing a song ♪

♪ oh, well,

at least I'm not a mole ♪

♪ a mole ♪

♪ thank goodness ♪

♪ oh, well ♪

♪ well ♪

♪ at least

I'm not a mole ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ either kind ♪

♪ but one, I'm in a hole,

completely blind ♪

♪ with the other, I'm a blemish

on someone's behind ♪

♪ so put a smile

on that long, long face ♪

♪ un-unless

you're a mole ♪

♪ in which case, I apologize

for this insensitive song ♪

uh, okay, uh, this week

on "handyman corner,"

uh, we're gonna show you

about some of the injuries

that can happen with boating.

Now, you got to be careful.

Uh, you got to wear a hard hat

when you're --

you're fighting dinghies,

you know,

or you got to be careful

tobogganing in canoes and stuff.

Of course, up at the lodge now,

uh, you can get injured

just straddling a boat.

We get a lot of straddling

injuries, uh, up there.

But, uh, one of the things

that people don't talk about

all that much

is, uh --

is a kind of injury you get

when you're winching

a large boat out of the water.

So I thought I'd just show you

today on "the handyman --"

let's just pretend now

that this is the lake.

Uh, it's the same color

as the lake.

And we'll pretend that

this canoe here is a large boat.

First thing you do is you find

the bow of the boat,

which is the front.

They call it the bow.

I don't know why.

But there'll be a ring there.

No, that's -- all right.

All right, this is --

this is the bow here.

And see the ring?

You know, that's, uh --

that's the trouble with canoes.

They -- they look the same way

from both ends.

I had an aunt like that.

This is our trailer.

And, uh, what it's got up here

is this is called the tongue.

Um, I don't know why.

You know, it's slippery.

It's underwater

most of the time, maybe.

Maybe that's it.

I don't know.

But -- and this is what I wanted

to talk to you about.

This is, uh --

this is called a winch.

This is how we get the, uh --

the boat up on the trailer,

but there's a lot of work

involved,

and it's very dangerous

because the thing can break

or it can hurt your arm

or you can just get bored.

So I've got a better way,

a different way

to get that -- that boat

up on the trailer.

All right, what I've done is

installed a 1-ton power winch

into the front seat of the van.

Uh, it's an attractive

installation, I think.

Uh, but the important thing here

is it's wired

into the alternator of the van

and very, very safe here.

A long way

from the action back there,

and there's no effort involved.

This is a control box.

You push the button,

and you winch the boat up there

just as safe and sound

as you please.

[ motor whirring ]

[ metal screeching ]

hello.

Well, uh, of course,

none of this would have happened

if I'd had a spotter.

Anyway, uh, remember --

if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Harold!

We'll be right back

with, uh, more of

the well-digging adventure

for those of you

who enjoy my stories.

Oh, I didn't know

your wife was watching.

Hi, aunt bernice.

"it is autumn.

"500 geese are flying south

"in a giant wedge formation

like a huge piece of pizza,

"shades of mushroom

and pepperoni and anchovies.

"and as they travel,

they drop the toppings

that they don't like."

well, as I, uh, never got

a chance to mention earlier,

uh, big old problem with the

well up at the lodge yesterday

is she wasn't pumping any water,

and, uh, rather than have

to go down there

and, uh, fix the washer

on the foot valve,

uh, we figured it'd be easier

to just dig another well.

We were gonna do it by hand,

but then we found the shovel.

We got, uh, stinky peterson

to dig the well

'cause he's the skinniest,

and that way there'd be a lot

less of a hole to work on.

You know what I mean?

Make it easier on everybody.

Stinky had problems, he and

the lodge, but he's like that.

So we did what the -- what

the professional work crews do.

We just kind of sat in a ring

around stinky

and watched him work.

He seemed to enjoy

the encouragement

and it gave him something

to throw the dirt at.

Uncle red, uncle red,

this is such, like,

a great story, right?

You know what I suggest, is

that we come back to it later.

That way, the viewer

won't turn us off

as soon as you're finished

or, even worse,

before you're finished, right?

So let's just roll

to another segment.

[ keyboard clacking ]

uh, no thanks, harold.

I'd rather just kind of carry on

with the story now.

Wa-a-a!

That's a good one.

[ chuckles ]

bob!

Oh, hi, red.

Good to see you.

Yeah,

I figured you'd be out here,

you know,

out on the fairway.

Oh, another day,

another dollar, you know?

That's not the green fee,

is it?

No, no, red.

No, I'm working

for the department today.

Um...Studying cloud patterns,

you know.

See those stratonimbulus

over there?

That's a high pressure

moving in.

Yeah, well,

anyway, uh, bob,

we're thinking about putting

indoor plumbing into the lodge,

and, uh, we got to

put a septic, uh, thing.

We got the form here,

and there's a lot

of paperwork to it,

and I thought, you know,

since you're a member

and you belong to the department

of natural resources,

I thought maybe you could

help me out with this.

Well, uh,

I don't know, red.

You know,

I'm not really, uh...

Into the old septic-tank

approval thing, you know.

Oh, thanks.

No, my department

is, uh, wildlife

and folia-- fol-- fol--

well, you know what I'm saying.

Yeah.

And weather, too, I guess.

Hmm?

Weather?

Oh, yeah, weather.

Weather stuff, yeah, as you say.

And golf, I guess.

And golf?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no.

Not golf.

I do that just for fun.

Yeah,

I'm out here now and then.

Well, it's, uh, about seven days

a week, I think.

Well, I don't know about that.

No, uh, not seven days.

There's some days

I come out here I don't play.

What day?

February 30th, I think.

Hmm.

Whoa, hey,

see over there, red?

Storm clouds brewing

over the ninth hole.

Hey, what do you say you and I

play over to the ninth hole,

a couple of rounds,

see if there's a storm brewing

or something?

No, I can't do that, bob.

Uh, I've already rented

the backhoe

and, you know,

waiting to put the septic in,

and it's actually

costing me money

just standing here

talking to you right now.

Well, 9 holes,

50 minutes.

Well, I don't have 50 minutes,

bob.

I don't even have

any clubs.

Well, I have two sets of clubs

right here.

Yeah.

Two sets of clubs,

bag of balls, bag of tees,

mickey of booze --

complete golf set.

Well,

maybe some other time, bob.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure, red.

Yeah,

always some other time.

Do we have a little time

to do this here?

[ chuckles ]

yep.

Fore!

Oh!

Look at that!

Too much top spin!

I can't even play that!

So, uh, what about this form,

uh, bob?

Can you -- can you help me out

with the form at all?

Oh, right. Yeah.

Look at that.

Well, red, this is pretty

complicated, you know.

Oh, yeah, I know,

that's why I...

Well, this will take me about --

about 50 minutes.

Oh, yeah, and with pulling

those two golf clubs around

and the weather report

I've got to fill out,

well,

it might take me all day.

I got an idea here.

Hmm?

Maybe it is a great day

for golf, huh?

It sure is, red!

[ both laugh ]

that's wonderful!

The department

of natural resources

is really gonna

appreciate this.

Look, tell you what --

let's not count that one, huh?

Hey, you're right.

You just go ahead.

I'll hang on to that.

Yeah,

you hang on to that.

We'll do this, though,

right?

Oh, yeah, we'll get to that.

Don't worry about that at all.

No, sir.

Okay,

watch the top spin, eh?

Top spin,

yeah, got to watch that.

Keep my head down!

Yeah.

That's the key, you know.

Yeah.

Ah, you're gonna have

a good time.

I'll show you what I know, too,

red.

All right.

50 minutes, huh?

Yeah, 50 minutes.

Fore!

Oh, darn!

[ water splashes ]

oh, look at that.

I mean, that's no better

than that one.

Well, you know, I think you may

have overcleaned that ball.

I think you're right.

That's probably it.

Yeah.

I'm gonna give her

a go here.

I just clean those balls way

too much sometimes, you know?

Yeah.

Keep your head down.

Yeah, you might want to keep

yours down, too, there, bob.

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, look at that.

That's very nice, red.

Very, very nice.

Oh, bob, it hit that little

flagpole on the green.

Is there a penalty

for that?

No, we'll bend the rules

just a little bit, uh, red.

All right. All right.

Oh, my goodness.

Looks like it's gonna rain.

Might have to cut the game

short, you know.

Well, whatever.

Uh, my leg's acting up,

too.

[ spoons and guitar playing ]

♪ if I have a big important job

to do ♪

♪ the kind of job

I'd rather not do ♪

♪ I have a little trick,

and I'll teach it to you ♪

♪ to make the job go

boppity-boo, walk away ♪

♪ walk away ♪

♪ leave the damn job

for another day ♪

♪ cut yourself some slack ♪

♪ have a cold one,

have a nap ♪

♪ any job that's urgent will be

there when you get back ♪

♪ just tell your boss you're not

sufficiently motivated ♪

♪ to accept

this particular challenge ♪

♪ anyway,

if it was a good job ♪

♪ there wouldn't be any work

connected to it, would there? ♪

[ film projector clicking ]

ugh!

Red: Can always tell,

uh, when bill drops by,

because you're usually in

a lot of pain.

You always hurt

the one you love,

and bill must be crazy about me.

Anyway, what happened was his

rope was hooked on a tree there.

What he was gonna show us today

was, uh, something about traps

and snares and everything.

He had -- this is, uh, actually,

an official trap.

I think this is for raccoons

or whatever.

You open the one end and then

I think the animal goes in,

and then when he goes in --

but bill is gonna show you how

you could make your own traps.

First of all, he's looking for

tracks of animals.

Oh, he found something.

Yep, yep,

animals have been here.

So this is a good place,

uh, to build a trap.

Now he sticks, uh, three little

sticks in the ground,

and then he wraps

this little line around them.

I don't know whether this is

maybe to hook onto their leg

or --

I wasn't quite sure.

He didn't explain.

Didn't tie that knot real well,

either.

And then, uh, he pulls this

down, and --

ugh!

All right, well, what he needs

is a tree that maybe

has a little more --

a little more spring to it

than that.

And I guess --

well, I guess he did find one.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

So, uh, he pulls this tree down.

We're gonna use this,

and this is gonna be like

the spring to make the --

and this thing really --

they have a lot of pull to them

and took the both of us

with both hands going,

and then he wanted me

to tie the rope on,

but, you know,

to tie the rope on,

I had to let go of the branch,

which meant I wasn't holding

the branch down,

and then it was just --

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh!

[ whimpers ]

so, uh, I thought maybe

he wanted to use this tree now.

We'll never get that one

bent down.

But, no, he had --

no, he had something --

gonna try something else.

Gonna try something else.

Yeah. Yeah.

Now, this one

was really something.

He, uh, put a little knife

in there.

And that, uh, becomes, I believe

they call it the fulcrum.

And then he hooked

that onto a little, uh, twig,

or maybe there was a nail

in that tree

from some sort of

a previous party we'd had,

and then up to, uh, I think

he called that the trigger.

I was getting a little confused

at this point.

He had a loop tied in the rope.

Then he got me

to pick up this log.

I believe it weighed 250 pounds

or so

'cause it was full of water

and stuff.

And now, uh, bill went down

to hook up the leg part.

Now, I was trying to figure out

how this would work, you know.

I guess the idea is that the

animal's supposed to trigger,

and that log -- I couldn't

figure out how the log

would do it, fall, but --

ugh!

It worked.

So then

what he wanted to do was --

this one I thought

was really terrific.

He knocked off all

the little branches and twigs

on this branch

that was sticking out,

and then what he did was, he

took his -- he took his knife,

which is a pretty --

pretty serious instrument there,

and he tied that around,

uh, the end of the branch,

and he tied her on pretty good.

Maybe not quite as good as --

as maybe he should have,

but, um, he had that on there.

And then what he does

is he -- he backs that up,

and, again,

the spring in these trees --

unbelievably green tree,

and a lot of force there.

He was trying to hook it

onto something,

and, you know, with his foot

and then he slipped.

Look out, look out, look out.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

I wasn't real happy with that,

so, uh, I decided to make

kind of a trap all of my own.

I, uh, asked bill just to stand

there, uh, by the tree

and kind of look like bait.

And then, uh, I would --

this is kind of the maple style

of animal trap.

And, uh, the beauty of this

is you don't have to come back

and check it.

See you later, bill.

"it is winter.

"toes are numb from the cold,

like a family of ice cubes

"shivering beside their big,

fat mother.

"frozen toes

screaming in quiet pain,

"but no matter how sore

they get,

I'm not putting them

in my mouth."

well, harold, I guess by now

you've discovered girls, huh?

No,

I didn't discover them.

They've been around

a long time before me.

No, I mean you're starting

to get interested in girls.

Oh, yeah.

Wa-a-a!

That's putting it mildly.

I'm swimming in hormones.

I'm swimming in them,

uncle red!

I'm drowning in them, and

I don't even know what to do.

Wear a snorkel.

What do you mean?

I'm not really sure.

But don't worry about it,

harold.

You know, there's gonna come

a time pretty soon

when, uh, you're gonna realize

there's a lot more to life

that thinking about sex.

Oh, good.

When does that time come,

uncle red?

Well, uh,

I'm -- I'm told

it's just in those few minutes

before you die.

No one really knows.

I'll be right back

to end the well-digging saga.

And I'll be here

to protect your interests.

Rest easy, compadres.

Wa-a-a!

Uh, we're out here with --

with my good buddy,

uh, dougie franklin

and, uh, what has to be one of

the largest four-wheel vehicles

in this country,

I believe.

Well, that means a lot

coming from you, red.

It really does.

I appreciate that.

But, you know,

she's more than a truck to me.

She's a -- she's a wife.

She's a wife and kids.

A wife, kids, and family,

as well as a job.

She's a wife, kids, family,

a job, and friends.

This is my friend.

This truck's my life.

I couldn't help but notice that

you called her "she," doug.

Uh, why is that?

Well, actually, uh, red,

that's, uh --

that'd be one of

your old navy type of terms.

And, uh, I was in the navy there

for about, uh --

well,

it wasn't really the navy.

It was the naval reserve.

I was in there for about,

uh, three weeks.

Well, it was two and a half.

I just rounded her off some.

Anyway, I'm thinking on changing

the oil right about now

if you want to stick around.

I saw you had the --

I saw you had the hood off.

Yep. Yeah, I did.

Well, you got to do that

to change the oil.

Well, if you could, uh, just

help give me a boost up there,

I'm not as agile

as I used to be.

Just, uh, hold your hand

like that,

and I'll just use that

as like a stepping thing.

And here you go.

Just wipe your hands off.

Don't want to grind

anything into her.

Okay, you ready?

[ grunting ]

yeah, you got her?

Boy, you been working out there,

red?

Okay.

Now,

let's just have a look.

She, uh -- she burn a lot of oil

there, dougie?

Well, red, uh, no,

but, you know, she leaks a bit.

Found that out the other night

when I slept under her.

Do you get a lot of nosebleeds

being up that high there, doug?

You're up there!

[ laughs ]

no, I don't.

Why would you ask that?

Look, do you want to pass me

that oil can?

I'm looking here,

and I think she's down a bit.

She's got a bit of a thirst

on her.

All right,

gonna top her off, huh?

Yes, sir.

You know, to stay on top of

this, it's a full-time job.

Keep her in a1 condition.

It's like them fellers

you see that paint

that golden gate bridge.

You know, they're no sooner

done painting her

and they got to start

all over again, you know?

But, oh, that last

big earthquake,

she's still standing, so you

understand what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Okay, we're just gonna

top her off.

All right.

Fill her up there.

You got to be careful.

You know,

you get oil on here,

and before you know it,

you got a fire.

Which is what we got in

casterville there that one time.

Yeah, I-I read about that.

Well, doug, hey,

best luck to you,

and, gosh,

she's looking great here.

Yeah. No doubt about it.

She is looking good.

Looking real good.

Looking real good.

All right, that's, uh --

that's dougie franklin

and his big, big, big, big,

big, big, big, big truck.

You go a name for her,

uh, dougie?

Yeah, we call her imelda.

Imelda.

God, that's perfect,

isn't it?

All right, harold,

make me sick.

Well, poor old stinky

was out there digging the well,

just digging and digging

and digging a long time.

I mean,

he cut through hydro lines.

He cut through gas lines.

And he came up with a rock there

that was about the size

of moose thompson's head

and about the same weight

and very similar in complexion.

And, uh,

then after about 12 hours,

he says he thought he was gonna

strike water at any moment,

which is a real dumb thing

to say around men

who've been drinking beer

all day.

[ clears throat ]

luckily, their aim was off.

But, uh, around 3:00

in the morning,

I guess it was,

uh, stinky finally hit water.

But when we shone

the flashlight down,

what had happened was

that he'd gone so far off course

that he had gone into

the old well shaft,

so we just threw down

a replacement washer,

and he fixed the foot valve,

and everything was perfect,

so it worked out great, but

stinky wasn't all that pleased,

but, you know,

he has that logic problem thing.

Anyway, if my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home,

but the bridge is out

on the number two side road,

so I may be a little bit later

'cause I have to take

the expressway.

Anyway, thanks again

for watching,

and on behalf of myself

and, uh, harold

and the whole gang

up here at the lodge,

uh, until next time,

keep your stick on the ice.