Mad About You/Transcript

The complete transcript for Mad About You

Opening Scene
{Red is standing next to a tire swing in a stand of trees.}

RED GREEN: Hey, here's a way to keep the kids out of the house. Just hang an old tire from a tree and tell 'em to go swing in it. Well, that's cheap. I mean that in a good way. But why stop at tires? You have to hang an old car part from a tree and convince 'em it's fun, why stop at tires? {walks over to a windshield hanging from another set of branches} How about– how about a windshield, eh? How about that? {presses his face against the windshield} Kids love pressing their face against it. Look at that. Don't that look great? Kids love that. {quickly wipes the spot on the windshield, then walks over to a hanging car gas tank}} How about this? You know, kids love those Mexican piñatas. Well, how about this {taps the tank} car gas tank, eh? That's a piñata. Take 'em all summer to break this baby open! Unless you get 'er in a three-on-three. {chuckles and walks to a hanging car bumper} Or how about, hang a bumper on there, eh? Kinda give you a nifty teeter-totter swing thing. {moves over to a license plate} All right, or, uh... I have no idea what they'd do with that. But why not go for the whole enchilada, eh? Hang a whole car from a tree!

''{A crash is heard off-camera. Red backs away as a car falls to the ground, pulling a branch down with it.}''

RED GREEN: {runs up to the car} Oh yeah, remind them to wear their seat belts.

Intro
HAROLD GREEN: It's the Red Green Show! Ha ha ha! And now, here he is, the man who beat the odds, even though he's one of them, your host and hero, but he's my uncle, Red Green! Yeah! Yes!

{Red walks into the Lodge holding a large automobile horn wrapped in a paper bag.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you very much! Appreciate it. If there's anybody out there who has a used, heavy-duty 12-volt truck horn, eh? At a reasonable price? I'll tell ya, I'd be interested in that.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, did you burn out the horn on the Possum Van again?

RED GREEN: {opens the bag and looks inside, sending puffs of smoke into the air} Uhh... Y'know, I believe I did, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: You think so, huh? {walks over to Red} That's the fourth horn this year! Maybe you oughta just back off on the horn honking!

RED GREEN: Yeah? Well, maybe you oughta just back off!

HAROLD GREEN: {backs away} Whoa! I'm just saying that horns are used for emergencies. They're not substitutes for turning signals and brakes. {steps closer to Red again} And you shouldn't be bothering our viewers with this, either! You know, you can go down to McClintock's salvage yard. He's got lots of horns. You drive yourself down there and pick up one of his horns.

RED GREEN: Harold, how can I drive without a horn? How are the other drivers gonna know what they're doing wrong?

HAROLD GREEN: Hang your head out the side and just yell at 'em! {chuckles} ''Honk, honk! Hooonnk!''

RED GREEN: Hey! Hey! Hey, why don't you come along? You can be my horn!

HAROLD GREEN: No, I don't wanna– No! I couldn't– When am– How am I gonna know when you wanna honk?

RED GREEN: You'll feel the tingle, you'll be sitting on the wires. C'mon. {drags Harold to the door}

The Possum Lodge Word Game
HAROLD GREEN: It's time to play the Possum Lodge Word Game, and tonight's contestant is Mr. Winston Rothschild, of the Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. And tonight, Mr. Rothschild is playing for the fantastic grand prize of an entire bag of after-dinner mints! Ha ha!

{Harold takes a "mint" from a paper bag and pops it in his mouth, then quickly spits it out and folds up the bag.}

HAROLD GREEN: An entire bag of mothballs. {stands there flicking his tongue and making odd faces for a long moment, then clears his throat} Uncle Red! {makes more faces} You've got thirty seconds to get Mr. Rothschild to say this word: {turns the word sign around} Smell. Smell.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {sets the sign down} Okay, go! {stands back and tries to clean his mouth out with his finger}

RED GREEN: All right, Winston, when you drive your sewage truck into town, the guys all say, "What's that..."

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Worth?

RED GREEN: I'm talking about the thing that makes their eyes water.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {smugly} Oh, yeah... envy.

RED GREEN: Okay, Winston, I know you put a lot of time and effort into your business, right? But sometimes you gotta stop and something the roses.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Fertilize!

RED GREEN: All right, all right, you got five senses. {counts off his fingers} Sight, hearing, taste, touch, and...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Direction!

RED GREEN: Oscar Wilde, he was talking about bagpipes, he said "Thank God there's no..."

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Spit valve!

HAROLD GREEN: {dramatically} Almost out of time, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: I know, I know, I know... Oh, I know! Remember when you got the contract to pump out all the septics at the Port Asbestos Prune Fair? {Winston nods happily} What did you call that?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: The sweet smell of success.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah! ''{starts ringing the bell. Harold hands the bag of moth balls to Winston.}''

Plot Segment 2
{Red and Harold walk into the Lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: {shouting} I've never been so embarrassed in all my life! That was incredible! You were cutting people off, you drove through intersections, you drove through a ditch just to pass Buster Hadfield! What?

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, I mean, he was going so slow. The speed limit was 60 and he was only doing about 80.

HAROLD GREEN: You know what you got? You know what you got? Road rage. Yeah, you got a bad temper. That ain't normal. I don't– I don't have a bad temper!

RED GREEN: Maybe not, but you're a carrier.

HAROLD GREEN: You need help, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Well, I know. I know that, Harold, and I've tried, but I can't get an institution to take ya. {laughs}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs sarcastically} Yeah, okay, I know, yeah, yeah, we joke around a lot and everything, but you have a serious problem managing your anger. I know all these things because I just finished writing a paper in my psych class, the one in college, and you have all the symptoms of a person who has to learn how to manage their anger. I can help you with that.

RED GREEN: {angrily} I don't need to manage my anger. I need people to stop ticking me off! Why can't people just smarten up!? Give me some space, y'know? How about this: why don't people just stay indoors when I'm driving, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: It's not them, it's you. You can change if you want to.

RED GREEN: You sound like my wife, you know that?

HAROLD GREEN: Y'know, I think we should just go someplace more private and talk about this sort of thing. Y'know, like, what makes you angry? {puts his arm around Red and guides him toward the door}

RED GREEN: {going along} Stupid morons.

HAROLD GREEN: Can you name any stupid morons?

RED GREEN: How much time have you got?

HAROLD GREEN: See, that's your problem, you don't respect other drivers. I mean, they can't all be stupid morons. {opens the door}

RED GREEN: Well, that's what I keep hoping.

{Red walks outside, and Harold looks back at the camera briefly before following.}

Handyman Corner
{Red is standing next to the Possum Van with several broken cane-back chairs nearby.}

RED GREEN: One of the greatest lessons I learned from my mother is that you don't throw something out just because it's useless. She was talking about dad, but I'd like to apply this same principle {pulls another broken chair out of the van} to this old chair. It got broken when Buster Hadfield leaned back on it, not realizing it wasn't a recliner, even though he is.

''{Red sets the chair on top of a stack of other chairs sitting on a workbench. The pile collapses and falls onto the grass.}''

RED GREEN: So this week on Handyman Corner, I'm gonna show you a way to put fancy backs on all of these old chairs. Buster's a bit of a slow learner. {picks up a cane-back chair that isn't broken and sets it on the workbench} This is a style you don't see much of anymore. It's called "caning". Yeah, they used to do a lot of that. The workers would cane the chairs, and the bosses would cane the workers. This is wood here, and they bend that into a shape like that, which to me looks very difficult and extremely time-consuming, which are two no-nos for my kind of handyman. Now, I suppose you could trudge through the woods until you found a tree that has grown in the exact shape of a chair back, but I prefer to use a material a little easier to work with than wood. {picks up a hose} I'm thinking garden hose. {starts gathering up the hose} And yeah, you can cut the hose to the exact lengths that you need, but I prefer to just do kind of a random slice-o-matic thing, and then just {throws the hose down on the ground in a pile} adapt to whatever I get. {slaps his hands together a few times} I love a challenge.

''{Red walks off-screen and starts a lawn-mower, then sets it on top of the hose. Wipe to a later scene: Red has the mower upside-down and still running on top of the workbench. He quickly pulls a segment of garden hose out of the mower.}''

RED GREEN: Yeah, always wear your goggles when you reach into a lawn mower! Safety. {takes several lengths of hose to one of the chairs} Okay, now what you wanna do is take your various pieces of your garden hose, {stands the broken chair up next to the good one, looks quickly between the two chairs} and you wanna recreate the cane-back look exactly, and you wanna attach that on there using the furniture builder's secret weapon... {picks up a roll of duct tape} duct tape. {starts peeling off a length of tape}

''{Wipe to a later scene. Red has "repaired" four cane-back chairs with the garden hose, forming the backs and the back legs of each one. The hose is attached to the wood with duct tape.}''

RED GREEN: All right, we got our basic shape on there, and I'll tell ya, {picks up a sheet of shelf liner} once you attach the vinyl wood grain on there, I defy anybody to tell that from the original. Huh?

{Red sits down in one of the chairs, which immediately falls backward.}

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's right, yeah. Yeah, I forgot one thing. {gets up} They're a bit too flimsy, y'know, because very few garden hoses were designed to hold the weight of an adult human. {walks back to the workbench and indicates a couple of buckets and a bag of cement} So what we need to do is we gotta reinforce the unit by filling the hoses with cement.

''{Wipe again. Red is attempting to pour a cup full of cement into one of the lengths of hose.}''

RED GREEN: All right, just kinda pour the cement down the inside of the hose there. I might have to shake her down. {taps the chair on the workbench a few times} Might take a minute or two to slide down there. {taps the chair again} All right, actually, actually, {cleans the end of the hose with a rag} to get the cement down there, what you wanna do is you wanna wipe off the end of the hose length, and you wanna actually blow on it. You wanna– {looks around} Yeah, I'm alone. {picks up the chair and guides the end of the hose to his mouth} Just blow on that.

''{Red sucks in a breath and blows into the hose, then wipes his mouth on his sleeve and smacks his lips. His tongue has turned gray from the cement.}''

RED GREEN: All right, actually, to get the cement down there, she's pretty thick, so you gotta blow really really hard! Okay, here we go.

''{Red blows into the hose again, and cement suddenly explodes out the other end of the hose into the air. Red drops the chair and runs away in surprise. Wipe again: Red is standing next to the completed chairs, rubbing his hands together. He has cement all over his face and shirt.}''

RED GREEN: Okay, and once the cement hardens inside the hose, all you gotta do is, like I said before, is cover them with the vinyl fake wood stuff, and you got yourself a beautiful chair. {gestures to the one good chair} It's every bit as good as the original, and in fact, {gestures to the repaired chairs} these chairs are sturdier, they're stronger... {one of the chairs falls backward} They're heavier. Yeah, well, with the cement in the back, they have a tendency to fall over backwards, so what you could do there is just either bolt them down, or just sit in 'em all day, eh, as if you needed an excuse. So remember, {gets ready to sit down in one of the repaired chairs} if the women don't find you handsome, {the chair falls backward, and Red sits down in the good chair} they should at least find you handy. {the two remaining chairs fall backward simultaneously}

Midlife
RED GREEN: I wanna talk to you older guys who have no war stories. Y'know, you were too young for Korea and too old for Desert Storm. Y'know, you get to a certain age, people really expect you to have a war story. So here's what you do, all right? You take the crappiest event in your life. Maybe a crummy job or a goofy event, how about your first wedding? And you turn that into your war story. {dramatically} "Oh yeah, I was in a war, yeah. The Big One. Gasoline Price War of '69. I'd lied about my age to get a summer job pumping gas at Lloyd's Texaco. Then all Shell broke loose. The Dutchman dropped his price by a nickel. We had to fight back, so we took the big hit and we dropped ours down by six cents. The war was on. Why, we started handing out hot dogs and balloons just to keep the customers. By the end of August, the whole station was under siege. Cars lined up outside, firing off their horns, screaming for free tumblers. And nobody to hold 'em off except me and One-Legged Lloyd. But we did it, and we won, and it made a man out of me. And I guess that explains the stain on my pants." Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3
{Red and Harold are standing next to each other in the Lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay?

RED GREEN: Yep.

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses, then shouting at Red} YOU ARE A NOTHING! {Red cringes nervously} YOU ARE A ZERO! You are less than zero! You are a Zero-o-Matic! You have nothing, you do nothing! You are a NOTHING! You make me sick!

''{Harold spits all over his chest, then coughs and tries to wipe his chest with his hands. He looks around nervously and holding his hands out awkwardly for a moment.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {back to normal} You did really well! I'm very proud of you!

RED GREEN: Yeah, I think I'm– I think I'm over the hump on this.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! So you've been doing your detaching and projecting and transferring exercises? Detaching from the now, projecting into the past, transferring into a positive emotion.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell ya what I did. I'll tell ya what I did. I concentrated, I thought about giving this a go as I was walking around the Lodge. Then I went by your cabin, and I went inside, and I picked up all your stuff, and I detached, projected and transferred it all into the lake! {laughs} Yeah!

The Experts
{Harold, Red and Dalton are sitting around a table in the Lodge.}

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Experts portion of the show. This is the part of the program where we like to examine those three little words that men find so hard to say: {gestures to the audience}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! Ha-ha! Alrighty! Joining my Uncle Red today is Mr. Dalton Humphrey of the Humphrey Everything Store!

DALTON HUMPHREY: We got stuff... {pauses} Maybe buy some...

HAROLD GREEN: Simple, yet simple. Okay! Our viewer in Kansas City writes us today, and they write, "Dear Experts, my friends and their families do things that really bug me. Is it me or what?"

RED GREEN: Sounds like it, yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, no, not necessarily true, y'know. I usually find it's them. But you can force people to change. It's not easy, but you owe it to them.

HAROLD GREEN: Excuse me, Mr. Humphrey. You ever heard of the term "control freak"?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah! My brother-in-law is one of those. {laughs} I'm working on changing him, though. You bet.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, I think you can work as hard as you want to try to change people, but you know, you're gonna spend a lot of time doing that. And the minute you leave the room, they'll slip right back into who they are. Y'know, maybe you should just learn to accept people for who they are and be more forgiving.

RED GREEN: {to the camera} I think he might be talking to you there, Bernice. {smiles and nods at the camera}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know, that is such a cop-out! What kind of father would I be if I didn't remind people to use coasters, and to tuck in the shower curtain, and to load the dishwasher properly? Big plates at the back, bowls on the right, saucers on the left! Imagine the chaos! Huh? And when my daughter goes out with her boyfriend for a drive, what would happen if I didn't yell out, "Drive carefully! Don't have an accident!" What then, huh?

RED GREEN: I've seen him drive. He's a pretty safe driver.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Thank you very much, Red. Thank you very much. So you don't tell me that we shouldn't help out the people around us by pointing out what they're doing wrong.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I'm glad you feel that way. Because I feel that you're too bossy, you stick your nose in where it's not belonged, and you always like to control the–

DALTON HUMPHREY: {interrupting, clearly offended} What!? {stands up} I don't have to take that from you! Excuse me! {storms out of the Lodge, hissing toward Harold as he leaves}

HAROLD GREEN: {sits nervously for a moment} Did I say something wrong?

RED GREEN: I don't think so. He left, didn't he? {laughs}

Visit With Ranger Gord
{Red and Harold are standing in the Lodge basement next to Ranger Gord, who is seated and tightening the string on a guitar, plucking it frequently.}

RED GREEN: Y'know, Ranger Gord asked me if he could come on here and sing a new song about his hobby. Got a new hobby, apparently, and... Y'know, bear in mind we have a whole half-hour to fill, so I'm thinking–

''{A string suddenly snaps on the guitar. Everyone jumps a bit, then Gord starts tightening the next string.}''

RED GREEN: I'm thinking, yeah!

HAROLD GREEN: That's great, Ranger Gord, you're gonna play the guitar. I didn't know you could even play the guitar.

RANGER GORD: {looks up at Harold} Really, Harold? I'm shocked! What about all those times we sat around the campfire singing campfire songs? Remember that? I had a beard and a pot-belly? {imitating Red's voice} Sounded kinda like this? {back to normal} Remember that? {continues tuning the guitar}

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} That was Uncle Red and I.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: Oh yeah, right! Okay. {tightens the string a few more turns, then hands the guitar to Harold, who puts it down} Okay, you know what? Instead of a song, I'm gonna do a poem about my new hobby. {stands up and clears his throat, then, to Red} Not all poems have to rhyme, do they?

RED GREEN: No no, poems don't have to rhyme and they don't have to be dirty, but people prefer it.

RANGER GORD: All right, okay. {drags over a nearby podium}

RED GREEN: What are you doing now?

RANGER GORD: I'm thinking what I'm gonna do is more of a speech about my new hobby. Okay? {starts talking}

HAROLD GREEN: {interrupting} Oh, speeches are great! Speeches are good. It's very brave of you to do a speech. A lot of people don't like to do public speaking, so it's very brave. Go.

RANGER GORD: Really? Why?

HAROLD GREEN: Why? Ho-haww-ho! It's public speaking! You're speaking to the public! They're all watching you. What if you fail? {Gord looks bewildered}

RED GREEN: See what they're doing, eh? They're judging ya.

HAROLD GREEN: Judging you.

RED GREEN: They're judging.

HAROLD GREEN: You. Judging.

RED GREEN: Judging ya.

HAROLD GREEN: You.

RED GREEN: Yeah. They're saying, "Is he interesting or what?" And this is why you get up there and...

HAROLD GREEN: They judge ya.

RED GREEN: They judge ya.

HAROLD GREEN: Just you.

RED GREEN: And sometimes they think you're bad.

HAROLD GREEN: Real bad.

RED GREEN: That's why people get nervous.

HAROLD GREEN: Real nervous.

RED GREEN: Terrible.

HAROLD GREEN: Nervous like...

RED GREEN: Can't talk.

HAROLD GREEN: {making a scary pose} WooOoOOOOOoooOh!!

{Red and Harold stare at Gord, while Gord stares bewildered at the camera for a long moment.}

RANGER GORD: Weird! Anyway, okay, here's my speech! {Red and Harold both look disappointed; clears throat} I collect spiders in my spare time. The end. Okay, I guess there's time for some questions.

Plot Segment 4
RED GREEN: Y'know, every once in a while, I have to admit that Harold does know what he's talking about. This anger management planning he's got me on is working out great. Turns out my problem was I wasn't delegating enough responsibility, so now I got Harold dealing with all the Lodge members, running errands for me. I have never felt better.

HAROLD GREEN: {bursts into the Lodge in a rage; screaming} WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??!! WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT, IS IT LIKE THERE'S A PRIZE FOR BEING THE STUPIDEST IDIOT IN ALL OF POSSUM LAKE?! IS THAT IT?! IS THAT WHAT IT IS?! BECAUSE I'M TELLING YA, IT'S LIKE TRYING TO TALK TO HALLOWEEN PUMPKINS OUT THERE!!! DUUUUHHH!!

RED GREEN: {laughing} So, Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: {trips on the bear-skin rug, then turns and points at it} DON'T YOU GET ON ME!!

RED GREEN: Harold! {laughs again} So, how's it going?

HAROLD GREEN: {angrily} Oh, it's going good! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Moron drivers, idiot salespeople, Lodge members with IQs of like room temperature, maybe! Room temperature Celsius! I look for the light in their eyes, I do, I do look for the light in their eyes! Bulbs burned out!! And it's those little Christmas bulbs too, y'know? One's gone, the whole row is gone! It's awful!

RED GREEN: Y'know, I've never seen you like this.

HAROLD GREEN: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? YOU STARTING ON ME?! YOU STARTING ON ME?!

RED GREEN: No, no, no!

HAROLD GREEN: YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!

RED GREEN: No, no, no, Harold, Harold. I'm just saying you might wanna, y'know, control that. Really. Control the temper. You see what's happened here?

HAROLD GREEN: WHAT!?

RED GREEN: Eh? You spent so much time working on my anger management that you're letting your own anger get out of the cage a little bit. See? Look at how angry you are.

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly calm} You're absolutely right. You are ab– When you're right, you're right. You are absolutely right.

RED GREEN: Well, you know, you can go see somebody about that, Harold, y'know.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I think it's the way everybody treats me.

RED GREEN: Really?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes!

RED GREEN: I don't think so, no. I think it's your looks, your personality, you know what a goof you are.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, if you wouldn't insult me all the time, I wouldn't be so angry.

RED GREEN: I know, but I would, so it's a... {makes a give-or-take gesture}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, no, absolutely.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's meeting time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: All right, Harold, away you go. I'll be down in a minute.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, excellent. {starts for the stairs}

RED GREEN: {chuckles} Don't get mad!

HAROLD GREEN: {cheerfully} About what? {goes down the stairs}

RED GREEN: {chuckles again} Get even. {to the camera} All right, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I learned today that the best way to control anger is to be the boss. But of course, you knew that all along, didn't you? {to the audience} And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. {waves and heads for the stairs}

{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting.}

HAROLD GREEN: {angrily} You don't get– Sit in your designated seats! Or if you don't sit there, you'll be in the wrong pla– {Red stands next to Harold} Okay, all rise.

{The men all cross their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone except Harold sits}

HAROLD GREEN: {angrily} I just got– I got a quick announcement here to make, all right? I've pretty much had it with your personal insults and comments on me, behind my back and in front of my face! AaaaaAAAaa! I know who you are, so we're just gonna settle this right now, okay? I'm gonna give you two choices. A, you can cut me some slack, or number two, we can just go outside and settle it right now!

''{Harold starts walking toward the stairs. The men all stand up and start crowding toward him. Red stops Harold.}''

HAROLD GREEN: {continuing} Because I don't care! I'm not– They're coming, they're doing it!