The Marine Show Project/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

K it's just man's way

of reaffirming his dominance

over the animal kingdom.

We'll take a killer whale,

plop it into a swimming pool,

and force it to do backflips

through a fiery hoop

just to earn a free lunch.

It's not smart or correct,

but it's one of the things

that makes us what we are.

[ horns honking ]

[ jazz music plays ]

[ geese honking ]

[ ducks quacking ]

[ water splashes ]

the surgeon general

has declared

that smoking

is hazardous to your health.

Stay tuned.

Bill and I are gonna go fishing

in a rubber raft,

which is not completely

successful,

and our old pal buzz sherwood

is gonna say hello to harold.

I always like it when

he hurts harold. [ laughs ] ooh!

And now here he is,

the master of all he surveys,

but only because he's extremely

short-sighted -- ha ha! --

My uncle, mr. Red green!

[ blowing ]

red:

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Yes, it's -- it's --

it's true.

I am short-sighted,

and I can prove that

by hiring him to direct

and produce my show.

I'm harold, and I'm here

and I'm hip and I'm happening.

[ spraying ]

and you're history.

This is gonna be

the last episode

of the "red green show"

as we know it.

How? How? W-what?

We're canceled?

No, we're not canceled,

harold.

It's just that I think

I've got a better idea.

We're not gonna -- we're gonna

change the format a lot.

It's gonna be "red's water

wonderland marine extravaganza."

oh, this is because

junior singleton

took his family to florida,

right?

Oh, harold, he tells me

that the seaworld down there

is just raking

the cash in.

People love to see fish

doing tricks.

Of course,

you've proven that.

So, we're gonna replace you,

harold,

with the killer whales

and the seals

and the porpoises

and the dolphins

and the manatees

and all that kind of stuff.

Well, have you -- have you

got any of these animals yet?

No, but we've got

an aquarium -- possum lake.

And we got a rusted-out van

for the fish to jump through,

and we got a whole bunch of

stuff to balance on their noses.

Yeah, but -- but

you have to have performers.

I mean,

you can't do a show

without talent

in front of the camera.

We have for years.

Did I say, "can't"?

I meant "shouldn't."

[ pulley squeaks ]

♪ oh, the fire in my eyes

could not disguise ♪

♪ how I felt for heather ♪

♪ she held my hand

like I was her man ♪

♪ and said, "zip

our sleeping bags together" ♪

wa-a-a!

♪ well,

I complied in a hurry ♪

♪ but she said,

"wait, you're not worthy" ♪

♪ and all hope of romance

was killed ♪

♪ my love,

she turned her back on ♪

♪ 'cause my bag

was only dacron ♪

♪ whereas hers was the more

expensive goose-down-filled ♪

hoo!

All right, so, you got yourself

splattered across the couch,

watching tv, grazing the dial

with your thumb,

snapping on the remote

like you're sending morse code.

Phase number one.

Your wife says,

"hey, stop flicking around

"like a rabid banshee!

"you're giving the dog

a conniption, eh?

Find a channel

and stick to it!"

and then you answer

that you can't figure out

what you want to watch

until you see everything

that's on,

and you say all of that

without taking your eyes

off the tv screen.

Phase number two.

She suggests the tv guide,

which is what it's for.

Right.

Now you got to tell her

that your glasses

are over on the table

and the tv guide is

up on the back of the toilet.

Phase number three.

She picks up her knitting

or a book or something.

Yeah, and then you find out

what you want to watch --

a comedy, sporting event,

and one of those shows

where guys are shooting people.

And you're gonna watch

all three at once.

Then, all of a sudden,

something really exciting

happens on the comedy, eh,

like hawkeye

finds a date for radar.

Something like that, eh?

Yeah, yeah. So you start

watching that for a while,

and then your wife

starts watching it with you,

but then the commercials

come on,

and you start thumbing your way

onto a better show.

Phase number four.

Your wife gets up,

leaves the room,

finds herself her own tv,

and files for divorce.

What? It could happen!

All right, well,

life is about choices,

and you cannot have

a successful marriage

and a tv remote,

so I say go

for the successful marriage.

Well, unless the playoffs are on

or it's sweeps week.

[ ducks quacking ]

well, with everybody thinking

about our new marine show,

I thought I'd take

"handyman corner,"

show you all how to build

an aquarium,

'cause when you think about it,

what is an aquarium?

It's just a glass box

with a big price tag.

So, all you need

is a couple of windows

that are made

into different panes here.

You can usually get these

at your neighbor's house

while he's at work.

And then what you got to do

is scrape the putty off there

so you can get

the windows out.

[ squeaks ]

oh.

Oh, that --

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna use

maybe a propane torch of mine

and just melt the putty

out of there.

Where's that propane --

oh, there it is.

All righty.

[ gas can clangs ]

this should work in no time.

Shouldn't be any problem.

Well, uh...Oh.

Well, I'll just,

uh, get the fire -- fire --

no, I don't --

maybe I'll just --

I'll just let the flame

just burn the putty

out of there, yeah.

Perfect.

[ coughs ]

all right.

Uh, turned out real good there,

and now all's you got to do

is pick up the glass

out of the rubble.

Oh!

[ sizzling ]

all right.

Uh, you always want to let

that glass cool down

when you use this technique.

Now, here's something that

might be of interest to you.

Uh, this is

another handyman's helper.

This is called

silicone caulking.

This stuff's a pliable glue,

and it also holds out water,

so it's perfect

for making an aquarium.

[ coughs ]

[ sputters ]

all right.

Now we're ready to put a little

bit of water in that thing.

You got to let the water get

in there ahead of time so it --

you know, it can kind of sit

in there,

get all the chemicals out of it

before you put the fish

in there.

Oh. Um, all right.

Well, if -- if you should happen

to get a leak of some kind,

don't feel bad about it.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

It's no one's fault, and

the solution is very simple --

more caulking.

There. That should do it.

[ coughs ]

smells like a prehistoric order

of fish and chips in here.

But I bet we got the leak fixed.

[ laughs ]

uh, no.

No, not quite.

Uh, I think this

is gonna take me a little longer

than we -- we had figured on,

so, uh, why don't we get

back to the show

and I'll call you when I'm done?

Stay tuned.

Bill's gonna show you

what happens

when you have a leak

in your inner tube,

and harold's gonna audition

for the marine show.

I want to talk to all

you middle-aged guys out there

who, for whatever reason,

have abandoned your dreams.

Maybe you dreamed

of being an astronaut

and you ended up

as a space cadet.

Maybe you dreamed of being

an award-winning statesman

and you ended up

as a ward of the state.

Or maybe you dreamed of being

an amway salesman and you are.

Whatever the disappointment,

at this point in our lives,

we shouldn't be bitter.

Maybe we set our goals too high.

My personal goal is to set

the land-speed record

in a rocket car that I would

design, engineer, and build,

but in retrospect, I think

that was a bit of a long shot,

especially after I dropped out

of junior high.

As we go into the last half

of our lives,

we got to stay ambitious,

but maybe we should make

our dreams

just a little more

realistic, eh?

Why don't you vow

to go to your grave

with at least one

of your own teeth?

Or maybe you can try to do

something nice

for somebody every day,

even if it's not telling them

what you're really thinking.

I'll tell you something --

I'm gonna keep my dream

no matter how old

and run down I get.

Even if I end up

in a wheelchair,

I'll turn it into

a rocket-powered wheelchair.

So, remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

[ rattling ]

well, red's water wonderland

marine extravaganza

has already booked

its first major star attraction.

Someone from the cast

of "baywatch" in a bikini?

Ohh! I'd like that.

No, harold. Moose thompson got

us a real, live sea creature,

one that already had

his own tv series.

Flipper?

He got flipper?

Oh, I love flipper the dolphin!

Oh, he was so cool!

He saved hundreds of lives

in his show.

[ imitates dolphin chattering ]

oh! Flipper, here, look!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I love flipper the dolphin.

Yes!

No, no. Moose got us

flopper the musical manatee.

Flopper the manatee?

Yes.

Had his own series?

He certainly did, harold.

It was "flopper's ragtime

riverboat revue."

it was on community access

until the community saw it.

Then flopper kind of went

downhill after that.

Went a bit astray on us

but has gone

to the betty ford aquarium.

Got himself all cleaned up,

lost 900 pounds.

He's coming back

in great form,

gonna do the backflips

and jump through hoops

and balance stuff

on his nose.

What about me?

Well, you're a little heavy to

balance on his nose, I mean...

No. I mean, like,

what about me in the new show?

Is there a place where I fit

into the new show?

Oh, sure there is,

harold.

Well, we're gonna need

an audience, aren't we?

[ duck quacking ]

okay, we're back,

and to make our aquarium work,

I had to call in the handyman's

secret weapon...

Duct tape.

I guess we all know she's

gonna be watertight now, huh?

[ laughs ]

well, you're wrong.

All right, we're gonna have to

adapt our initial plan,

and for that, you're gonna need

another sheet of glass

and a piece of tinfoil.

[ sloshing ]

all right, you tape the foil

to the sheet of glass,

and then you tape the glass

onto the top of the aquarium,

and then you just set the angle

of that like a mirror

to wherever you happen to be

sitting in the room,

because, unfortunately,

this is gonna be, really,

your only view of the fish.

On the bright side,

it is showing a certain amount

of respect

for the -- the privacy

of the fish.

So, remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should

at least find you handy.

Oh, boy.

The basin leaks.

Uh, well, I suppose I could put

more caulking on that or --

no, I could throw

this whole unit into a bathtub

or into a dumpster.

[ engine sputters ]

here we are with our resident

bush pilot, buzz sherwood.

How you doing, buzz?

Hey,

it's the big red guy!

[ laughs ]

hey, harold!

How's directing?

Whoa!

[ laughs ]

ohh!

So, buzz, uh, you want to do

some flying today?

Sure, sure,

as long as it doesn't break

any of my new air-safety rules,

like, uh,

rule number one.

Man, I'm not flying

any more lawyers up here.

No way, man.

On these hunting trips, all

the time we're airborne, right,

they go, "buzz, my door

won't close properly"

or "buzz, is the wing

supposed to wobble like that?"

or "buzz, we didn't sign

a release form,

and that makes you

culpable."

I suppose if I knew what that

meant, I'd know how to react.

Buzz, how do you feel

about flying manatees?

Manatees? Is that, like,

those mason or shriner guys?

'cause I flew a fat shriner.

He's got this fez --

no, no, no, no, no --

manatees.

They're kind of like

a fishy mammal,

and there's two of them,

and they're kind of big.

Probably looking

at 2 1/2 tons there.

Oh, that should be

no problem.

I'll bring them in

by the north end of the lake,

away from the cottagers.

But, uh, there are a lot of tall

trees up there, aren't there?

Yeah, but not

by my second pass.

[ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

all right, then.

Tell you what -- moose thompson

will go along with you

to supervise, all right?

Whoa!

[ imitates buzzer ]

moose thompson?

No way, man.

Too much weight.

Now we're bending the needle.

No way. No can do.

Ooh!

You know what we can do?

Oh! Oh! Brill!

What we'll do is we'll get

ranger gord's fire bomber.

Oh, yeah.

The water bomber.

It's a bigger plane,

right?

We'll fill that sucker

full of water.

Them manatees can just, like,

wallow as we cruise them in.

It'll be --

it'll be great.

Is that legal?

Pfft!

All right.

Just, uh --

just don't tell anybody.

I could lose

my pilot's license, right?

Buzz, you don't have

a pilot's license.

Oh, right.

[ laughs ]

[ feedback ]

it's "male call."

[ bell clangs ]

have a letter today

from david of calgary, alberta,

and david asks, "have you

ever tried a mepps syclops?"

oh, yeah. I believe

I drank one of those

when I was in the military.

Boy, you fire down

one of those pups,

it'll last you

a whole three-day pass.

Uncle red, he's talking

about a-a fishing lure.

Oh, yeah, the sy--

oh, yeah.

The syclops, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I know that very well,

very well,

but, you know, you

get into endorsing

fishing lures and so on --

touchy area there, harold.

I mean, I've seen guys

catch fish

with a pair of pants

on a coat hanger.

Wow. Wa-a-a!

How do you catch fish

with a pair of pants?

Well, you go fly-fishing.

But, you know, there are

so many factors there, harold.

There's the time --

time of day, the time of year.

There's the water temperature,

the wind, the age of the fish,

you know, and the real

true fisherman, like myself,

take all of these factors

into consideration.

Yeah.

How many fish would you say

you catch, on average?

Oh, too many to count,

harold.

[ laughs ]

I-I worded that wrong.

I said, "how many

would you say you catch?"

actually, how many

would you really catch?

Like, you know, in a year.

A lot, harold.

Quite a few.

Ple-- a whole mess of them.

More than 100?

Well, you know, I get pretty

busy with the show and so on.

Yeah.

So, like,

it's less than 100.

Well, it's more than 10.

More than you, harold.

I caught one last year.

All right. We tied.

[ explosion ]

[ film projector clicking ]

red:

Bill had asked me to go fishing.

He said he'd bring the boat.

I don't believe that's

technically a boat, bill.

Oh, oh, oh.

Now all we got to do is load

all the stuff into the boat.

So, it's now later that day.

We're going out fishing.

The fish are probably finished

and are at home

watching one of the soaps.

Anyway, it's fishing.

You got to just kind of

get into a mind-set.

You just relax, kind of wrap

your legs around the cooler,

and go for it.

So, I'm just

trying to enjoy myself,

and the way to do that,

of course,

is to ignore what bill's doing,

which, in this case,

it was a bit of a mistake.

Bill, you're hooked into the,

uh -- the rubber raft there.

[ air hisses ]

oh, yeah.

Later that day...

By golly, those things get heavy

when they're full of water,

as does bill,

as does my hat.

What do you got there --

medical cushion?

What's that for?

What is that, bill?

Is this some sort

of a diversion from fishing?

What's the idea?

What are we doing here?

Oh, there's a bit of an example

of overpackaging, I'd say.

[ blowing ]

all right. So is this show.

What are you doing, bill?

Are you gonna blow that up?

We can't get in there. That's

not big enough for us to --

no matter how much you --

okay, bill. Okay.

Yeah, I know, but, still,

it's not -- nowhere near...

Well, still blowing.

Well, well, well, oh, okay.

All right.

You're right. You're right.

Captain, she's gonna blow.

[ laughs ]

so, that's what

we're gonna use as an --

but I'm not --

I decided not to go.

Bill, I think that's more

of a one-man fishing boat.

Oh, a bit of a nail

coming out of the dock there.

I didn't notice that.

In you go, in you go.

There you are.

Bill, uh, let me get the

equipment for you, all right?

Just get ready.

Here she comes.

What would you like?

Quite a selection here.

Oh. Pardon me.

No, it's all right.

It's all right.

Now we're safe.

There we go.

Couple of tackle boxes.

Life jacket, paddle,

another paddle, pail,

little, uh, bait box,

fishing net.

Got your lure in there

and got your suntan --

oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, boy!

Holy cow!

Bill, you can't troll

at that speed!

Slow down!

Come back, bill!

Oh, no, no! Not this way!

Oh!

There we go.

[ grunts ]

so, are they biting?

Don't you know it's bad luck

to come home

wearing your boat there, bill?

Let me help you

out of that stuff.

[ grunting ]

oh, it's line dancing

at possum lodge.

Stay tuned.

Ranger gord tries to explain

zebra mussels,

and the marine show

loses one of its headliners.

"moose can fly," by me.

"last winter, junior singleton

drove my snowmobile

"a record 49 feet

through the air

"right over our tool shed.

"today moose thompson announced

"that records are made

to be broken,

but with moose, everything

is made to be broken."

[ rattling ]

very, very exciting stuff

now.

Buzz sherwood

and moose thompson

have flown off

to bring in flopper,

and everything's

falling into place.

It's pretty darn exciting.

Got a lot

of other acts, too.

We're gonna start off

with old man sedgwick

and his dancing bass,

and we got junior singleton's

magical minnows,

and then we're having

a medley of songs

from "the little mermaid,"

sung by sally struthers.

Wow!

You really got

old man sedgwick's

dancing bass?

Yes, we did, harold.

And I just booked

smelt boy.

That would be

stinky peterson.

Wow.

You found a smelt costume.

Wa-a-a!

Wasn't necessary, harold.

Anyway, uh, flopper,

of course --

flopper

the musical manatee --

is still gonna be

the star of the show.

Wa-a-a! And they said

variety television is dead.

But, uncle red, who you gonna

get to, uh, direct flopper?

Well, flapper.

That's flopper's sister.

She's his manager,

and she directs

all of his live performances.

Oh. Okay, yeah.

Okay, live, sure,

but, you know,

has she ever directed a network

television show before?

Yeah, I beli--

I-I believe she did the third

season of "who's the boss?"

anyway, they're all arriving

later on today,

and they're gonna warm up

possum lake.

Oh, yeah, but, uncle red,

possum lake is fresh water.

Wa-a-a! Fresh water.

What am I saying?

But, no, it's, like, uh --

it's unsalted, you know,

and manatees

live in saltwater, so...

Well, there's a job

for you on the show.

Really?

Yeah.

Go salt up possum lake.

Wa-a-a!

I love show business!

[ bear growls ]

it's time for the nature-talk

part of the show.

We're here with our good friend

ranger gord.

Hello, civilization.

Yeah.

Anyway, gord is gonna tell us

about something

that actually could put a kibosh

on our whole marine show,

namely zebra mussels.

Thank you very much,

red.

Shall we wait for the rest

of the guys to show up?

No, I wouldn't.

Yeah. Well, you know,

I just thought

that, uh, being

at this fire watchtower

for the last 16 years

without a day off,

they could give me

a half an hour, but --

just tell us about the zebra

mussels, gord, would you?

Yeah. The zebra is a member

of the equine, or horse, family,

and so the zebra's

musculature

is very similar

to that of a horse.

Gord.

Now, the hind legs --

just a minute,

please, red.

The hind legs are

extremely powerful limbs,

and they can propel

the animal

for quite a distance

at a single bound.

Gord, we're not talking

about zebras.

We're talking

about zebra mussels --

you know, those things

like barnacles.

They form

on the bottom of boats.

What?

When did these things

show up -- just now?

Mid-'80s.

The government warned everybody

to look out for them.

I hadn't heard a thing

about it.

The last I got

from head office

was a pamphlet about

a new problem called acid rain.

Might want to watch out

for that one.

Haven't got a thing

from them since, red.

Hmm.

[ crying ]

not even a paycheck!

Oh, but -- but, gord,

think about it this way.

By the time they pay you

that back pay they owe you,

it's gonna triple

the national debt, huh?

National debt?

Yeah. Yeah.

What, the country's

in debt now?

Oh, boy.

[ bear growls ]

[ sloshing ]

well, flopper and flapper

are not gonna be part

of red's water wonderland

marine extravaganza.

But I just salted up

possum lake.

It's like the dead sea

out there...

In more ways than one.

And now the manatees

aren't even coming?

Oh, no, no.

They're here, harold.

Buzz sherwood flew them in

in one of them water bombers

he borrowed from a friend.

Moose thompson

went along for the ride,

and you know how moose

gets nervous around big stars.

Flopper and flapper?

Yeah.

Moose got all excited up there,

and while they were circling,

he pulled the wrong lever,

opened the bomb-bay doors.

I got to tell you,

manatees are not

your natural-born high divers.

Four tons of belly flop.

Oh, no!

Why is it that big stars always

go down in plane wrecks?

Why?

Why?!

They're not dead, harold.

They're just --

well, they're

a different shape now.

Oh. Well,

I-I bet you, you know,

he probably can't balance things

on his nose anymore.

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

He could balance

a piano on there.

It's like

a helicopter pad.

But flopper has decided

to retire from show business,

so I guess we're gonna go back

to the old "red green show"

the way it was.

Oh, so -- so,

who's gonna, like, you know,

produce/direct, uncle red?

Wa-a-a!

Well, I spoke to his sister,

flapper,

but she wanted

too much money.

It's me, isn't it?!

Oh, yes! It's -- oh, it's me!

Wa-a-a-a!

Oh, you --

you will not regret this!

Yes, I do.

Oh!

[ screeching ]

oh, cry of the possum.

Oh, it's meeting time.

Wait till the guys hear.

Wa-a-a!

You go ahead, harold.

I'll be down

when I get dried off.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight home

after the meeting,

and, uh, I'm bringing a picture

of a sea cow autographed.

If you can give that

to your sister.

The resemblance

is unbelievable.

And to the rest of you,

thanks so much for watching.

Until next time,

on behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang

up here at possum lodge,

keep your stick on the ice.

[ screeching ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

all:

Quando omni flunkus, moritati.

We got the new prop in

for the christmas show.

Schindler's christmas list.

If you'd like to become a member

of possum lodge

and you got three bucks to blow,

you can either mail it to

the address here on the screen

or dial 1-800-ypossum.