Cell Hell/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

Okay, so I'm coming home from

the lodge the other night

and this guy's heading at me

with his high beams on.

So I flick my high beams

a couple of times,

but he keeps drilling

into my eyeballs like

laser surgery.

I couldn't see where

I was going.

Luckily,

nobody was hurt...

Except the

postal system.

I figure that guy didn't

dim his lights

because he wasn't affected

by my puny high beams.

So I'm going to fight fire

with a flame thrower.

I'm going to add these

babies to the possum van.

I got them from the

port asbestos arena.

Now that hockey's

on strike,

all they got going on

is line dancing

and they're afraid

if it's too bright

it'll just look like a bunch

of old, fat people

playing hopscotch.

You just mount those on

a piece of waterproof plywood.

I got this one

just up the road.

Now, these lights take

a while to warm up

so you just leave

them on all the time

and then swing them into

place when you need them.

To do that, I used a himmelman

hinge on the front edge

and mounted the whole unit

on a hockey stick.

The blade hangs

down inside.

All's I have to do

is pull down on it

when some idiot's coming

at me with his high beams.

The bulbs'll swing up,

shoot right at him

helping him

see the light.

Oh sure, the arena lights

are shooting up at the

sky all the time,

but that's not dangerous.

We're nowhere

near the airport.

[ applause]

[ cheers and applause ]

all right.

Thanks very much.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

Appreciate it.

Big, big week up at

the lodge this week.

Harold's been pushing

us all to get these

fancy cellular phones

so I found a deal

and got enough

for everybody.

I don't know if I'm too excited

about having a cell phone,

but I figure if

it gets annoying,

it's small enough that

I can throw it

farther than

my ears can hear.

Uncle red!

Uncle red!

Did the cell phones come?

Is that the cell phones?

Is that the cell phones?

Did the cell phones come?

Is that the cell phones?

Yes, harold, yes.

I wanted to call you

but then of course

I couldn't, could I?

Did you get the

one I wanted?

Yeah, pretty much.

With the caller I.D.

And the call forwarding

and the call waiting

and the personalized ring

and the text messaging

and the video capabilities,

did you get that?

Pretty much, yeah.

Pretty much that, yeah.

Did you not get the

exact make and model

that I specified?

No, I didn't, harold.

Ohhhh!

Harold, 300 dollars

for a phone?

I can get a station wagon

for that kind of money,

and then I wouldn't have

to call anybody,

I'd just drive over.

Do you want to know

what I paid for these

babies, harold?

Nothing.

Zero.

Nice catch.

It's a box of cereal.

Yeah, all different

kinds of cereal.

Every one comes with

a free cell phone inside.

Nut flakes.

You should talk.

You're so naive it's

embarrassing sometimes.

Uncle red, of course

the cell phone's free.

It's the activation fee

and the time rate

that they're going

to charge so much on.

There's going

to be no savings.

I'm not going to activate

my phone, harold.

Instead of using their

cellular towers to

relay my calls,

I'm just going to boost

my phone signal

by using stronger

batteries.

Now let's see, what kind

of cereal should I get?

Well, you have trouble

making outgoing calls,

maybe you should

try the all bran.

It's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

tonight's winner

will receive

a complimentary

dinner for two

at the nurk & fingle pub.

Enjoy traditional

english fare

such as fish 'n' chips,

made with real

english fish,

sausages 'n' chips,

made with real

english sausage;

and shepherd's pie,

made from

real shepherds.

Real english shepherds?

No, german shepherds.

Okay, cover

your ears, ed.

Okay, mr. Green, you've got

30 seconds to get ed frid

to say this word...

Yeah, all right, mike.

Okay, and go!

Okay ed, as an animal

control officer

you know that large

animals are most dangerous

when they're in...

My tent.

Okay, no but

in the spring,

animals are dangerous

because they're in...

... Sane.

You know what,

that's right.

And what makes

them that way?

That's just the way

they are, red.

No, okay, okay.

You can tell if a female

is ready to mate

because she's in...

A singles bar.

No.

Okay, okay, ed,

when you need to get

people to do what you want,

you say, "it's time

to turn up the..."

guilt.

Okay, no, no, okay.

On a cold winter's day,

your furnace pumps out

a lot of...

Smoke.

Okay, there's

an expression,

"get out of the kitchen,

if you can't stand the..."

smell of cauliflower.

We're almost out

of time, mr. Green.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I know, an nba team,

the miami...

Dolphins.

No, no, no, basketball.

The miami basketballs.

Man, ed you're not very good

at this, you know.

Me, your clues suck.

Why should

I take the heat?

There we go!

It's time for harold's

hobby house

where we examine

more than the hobby,

more importantly

the hobbyist.

And tonight's guest

is mr. Edward montrose.

And edgar, I understand

that you are a hobbyist.

Oh no, harold,

I'm presbyterian.

No, I mean a hobby.

You know, what you do

in your spare time.

And I certainly hope it has

nothing to do with explosives

because I know you've

had some bad experiences

with those.

Yeah, well, sometimes

I get carried away.

Sometimes buildings

get carried away.

But not my hobby.

I have a gentle,

creative hobby.

Oh excellent.

Oh, that's perfect.

That's exactly what

I was hoping for.

You know, an example

of a hobby that shows

the balance in one's life.

Gosh, I wish that

was interesting.

I love trains,

harold.

Oh, trains,

and what is it,

specifically,

that you love

about trains?

I love the way

they flatten stuff.

Yes, yes, oh yeah,

like coins and stuff

like coins

and stuff, right?

Oh, tut-tut, harold,

coins are for amateurs.

How about...

A wristwatch?

Now, this is art.

I call it

"'a' train on time."

very rare.

That's cool, edgar.

I also tried

other items...

Like a stapler.

Wow, that's --

that's a stapler.

I tried one without

opening it up

but it was too tall

and tapered,

so when the big

steel wheel hit it,

it shot out like a bullet

right through the windshield

hey, I saw that

on the news!

Yeah?

Uh, everybody's fine

as far as I know.

Oh yeah, yeah...

But edgar, do you

notice any similarities

between your chosen

profession

and the hobby

you've selected?

Oh, yes I do,

harold.

They both take

place outdoors.

Even if I start my

explosive work indoors...

Well, it doesn't

stay there very long.

No, not really.

No, no.

But you know,

I was talking more about

the destructive

component of each.

I find it

very disturbing.

It's a small world, harold,

and it's getting smaller.

I create space.

Edgar, I'm just a little

concerned about the message

we're sending out

to our viewing audience,

you know, particularly

our younger viewers

because you do

dangerous things.

Oh, all right.

All you kids out there,

don't be blowing stuff up,

and don't be

putting things on

the railroad tracks.

It's very dangerous...

Especially if you

stand too close.

You ever seen

these hot rod magazines

with pictures in them

that are supposed to

make you jealous?

Now, there are other kinds

of men's magazines

that have pictures

in them

but they're supposed to

make your wife jealous.

Neither one works,

except for pictures

like this.

Some guy doing

a massive burnout

with smoke pouring

off the tires

really gets my attention.

And if it doesn't,

your testosterone

may be down a quart.

But you need a

high-performance engine

to pull off a

stunt like that.

The only major peeling

I've ever done

involves an unplanned

nap on the beach.

But maybe we can look like

we're peeling rubber,

even though we're not,

'cause when a car does

a massive burnout,

it's not going fast,

it just creeps along

with the tires squealing

and the smoke fuming.

Maybe there's another

way to do that.

I mounted a fire

extinguisher

with the nozzle pointing

down through the floor

right at the wheel.

And I can turn the unit on

from the driver's seat

using that cable.

That'll provide

the smoke.

I didn't even have

to cut a hole in the floor,

as she's rusted out

in exactly the right spot.

Another reason

to buy domestic.

And as for the sound

of the squealing tires,

I've got no pads left

on these brakes

so I just put the

brakes on a little,

and she'll scream like

a parrot sitting on

a jalapeño.

And you don't have to worry

about the brakelights

giving the trick away...

They burned

out years ago.

Got to love domestic.

Okay, maybe doing a fake

peel out isn't exactly honest,

but for men my age,

truth is a last resort.

And the beauty

of this system,

it doesn't wear

out your tires.

[ brakes squealing ]

you know, after

39 years of marriage,

I've learned one thing,

which puts me ahead

of most guys.

If you and your wife want

your marriage to survive

the long haul,

you've got to argue.

I don't mean yelling

and screaming

and acting

like a big baby,

leave that to your

elected representative.

I mean the simple act of

actually telling your spouse

what's bugging you,

rather than laying on

a thick layer of sarcasm.

For instance, instead of

your wife asking you

not to leave your stuff

on the floor, she'll say,

"hey now,

"there's an interesting

place to keep your underwear."

or like instead of asking for

your help with the dishes,

she'll say, "are you sure

you can hear the ball game

"over all this

running water?"

but guys are no better

except men tend to do it with

actions rather than words.

A guy won't say

"I'd rather be golfing

than visiting your mother,"

he'll just carry his

golf bag around on his back

the whole trip.

Hey, do yourself

a favour,

lay off the sarcasm

when you're talking

to your spouse.

You may just find

yourself saying,

gee, red, that was

really good advice...

For once.

Remember,

I'm pulling for you.

We're all

in this together.

Don't put off getting

your septics pumped.

You can pay me now...

Or you can pay me

through the nose later.

[ chuckles ]

I love this cell phone.

I don't have

to remember anything.

If I think of something,

I just phone the person,

tell them right

then and there.

And I'm not really

bothering anybody

'cause I hardly

ever think of anything.

The only problem is

reception is not very good.

It's almost like when they

invented these things

they weren't targeting

markets like possum lake.

[ cell phone rings ]

excuse me.

Hello?

Hello?

Hellooo?

Can you hear me?

Hey, red?

Is that you, winston?

No, red, it's me,

winston!

Hang on a sec.,

you're breaking

up a little bit.

There, that's better.

Red... Red,

where are you?

Good thanks.

Are you

at the lodge?

No, I'm fine,

it was just gas.

Red, listen,

I can't hear you.

I can't hear

you, winston.

So how are those new

cell phones working out?

I tried to call you

but I couldn't get through.

Well then,

they're working perfectly.

Can you hear me now?

How about now?

What?

I said, how about now?

What?

Now?

Can you hear me now?

[ mike falls down stairs ]

ah, ah, ah, ah!

Well, look at

the bright side.

That's the only phone

he's ever had

where he's allowed to

make more than one call.

[ phone vibrating ]

I'm getting a call!

I'm getting a call!

Oh, my gosh.

I thought the ice cream

truck had pulled up.

Hello?

What? What?

What?

What?

What? What?

It's dalton,

I think he said there's

an emergency.

What? Dalton? What?

Okay, okay, yeah.

Okay, I got it.

What was it?

Not sure.

He either said he knows

there's a meeting and

he has to beg off,

or his nose is bleeding

and his leg fell off.

Oh look, look,

he's sending you

a text message.

S - h - I,

don't like where

this is going.

R - t, "shirt."

"shirt on fire."

what?

Shirt's on fire!

Shirt's on fire!

His shirt's on fire!

C'mon uncle red,

let's go!

Let's go!

We'll go out there

and help him.

Yeah, okay,

that's good.

He must be down

at the store.

The whole store could

be burning, you know.

Should we get another

fire extinguisher?

Yeah, yeah.

No, I think

we're good.

Sorry! Sorry,

my bad.

Sorry, my bad!

Red:

Dalton had asked ed and mike

to meet him out

behind the lodge.

He'd put some mats out.

I don't know,

some kind of exercise

or some sort of a spiritual

experience he had...

I wasn't quite

sure what he --

there, it looks more like

a fitness thing

and not a

minute too soon.

But dalton has something going

on under that shirt and I --

you know, you see

stuff like that

and you don't know

whether to comment or --

you figure he's got to be

aware of it, you know.

But of course, ed felt

he had to point out

that there was some sort of

an aberration there,

but dalton seemed --

and then they see

what's happening.

This is the

instructor arriving

and boy, things are

looking up, aren't they?

Yeah, the guys look great and

dalton's happy to meet her.

Oh boy, I don't know

if I want to -- oh, okay.

Just -- yeah, okay.

Oh boy,

oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

So apparently what this is

is a yoga lesson.

She's going to get them to be

all flexible and relaxed.

So okay guys,

just do that,

just do that.

Just do --

oh boy, oh boy,

oh boy, oh boy, okay.

All right, let's try

something that you can do.

I say, let's try

lying on our back.

Very good, excellent,

excellent, perfect.

Now, legs up,

over and...

And this is something

the guys found very easy

to watch.

And then up into some kind

of a stand and...

Again, fascinated.

So now this is a flexibility

on the spine

and you turn your head right

around like that and...

Well, they're willing

to meet her halfway,

but that's about it.

And oh, good.

Yes, very good.

And the other side...

And perfect.

Okay, now they move on

to where you work in couples

as they do in yoga,

which is why so many

yoga people have kids.

And so she

sits dalton down.

So ed and mike

have to duplicate

what they're doing,

and that's...

I don't --

I don't think --

you might want to --

well, dalton's suddenly

enjoying the day and...

They lean right back over

on the person

and relax totally

on them and so...

Mike's in for

a rough go here.

Now, this is an

interesting position.

You put your toes together

and then you bring your feet

up in between your arms,

and it's a

very elegant look,

and isn't that great, eh?

Now, that doesn't

go so well --

oh, oh, oh.

This is -- this is almost

like a cirque du soleil thing,

where you get up and support

the weight of your partner,

and she arches her back

and... I don't --

look out.

This is why we have

socialized medicine

in this country.

So they're trying --

can't seem to break them up

and, you know, you do

what you got to do

when you get...

There we go.

Okay, okay.

That's good.

What were you

guys thinking?

Anyway, I guess that

pretty much brought

the yoga lesson

to a close,

and I don't

think you guys

are going to see

her anytime soon.

Just relax.

Well, we rushed over

to dalton's store

'cause we thought

his shirt was on fire,

but it wasn't.

No, see, we thought dalton

typed us a message that said,

"shirt on fire."

whereas, in truth,

he was advertising,

"all shorts, half off."

but it wasn't an

emergency at all.

Well, not until

we got there.

No, no.

And in retrospect,

probably not a good idea

to burst in to a retail

establishment

with your fire extinguisher

going full blast.

Took that one lady customer

over an hour for her

leg to thaw.

Yeah.

But hey, she won't be

catching on fire

anytime soon.

No, so that's good.

And the really

good news is...

I got a new

pair of shorts!

Oh boy.

Aren't they hot?

They're hot!

Not anymore.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time.

Yeah, you go ahead,

harold.

You might want

to slip those on,

may do you

a world of good.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting

and I learned

something this week.

I learned that no matter

what your message is,

you've got to say it

simply and clearly.

I have no plans

for this evening,

there is nothing worth

watching on television,

and I have a tremendous

amount of energy.

[ yelps and applause ]

and no...

I don't feel

like moving furniture.

To the rest of you,

thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge,

keep your

stick on the ice.

[ cheers and applause ]

sit down, everybody!

Everybody sit down!

Sit down, c'mon sit down!

You got to sit down now!

C'mon, sit down!

Sit down!

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads

for the man's prayer.

I'm a man,

but I can change,

if I have to...

I guess.

All right, men,

harold apparently

has something to say.

Harold?

You know, as men,

oftentimes,

you don't communicate

as well as you should

so I was hoping that perhaps,

this side of the room,

all the men would stand...

Just stand.

Now, think of something

personal and important

you'd like to say

to the gentlemen

on this side of the room.

And please do that now.

[ cell phones ringing ]

hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

I can't hear you?

Hello?

Can you hear me?

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