Sedgwick The Tenant/Transcript

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

It's "the new red green show"!

Here's the man

we've been waiting for...

Not godot --

more like "god, no!"

your hero, my uncle, red green!

(applause and cheering)

how you doin'?

All right, thanks.

By golly, huh?

All right.

Take 'er easy, now.

By golly, thanks for comin'.

Big kafuffle this week over

at old man sedgwick's place.

His son showed up

right on his doorstep.

I didn't know he had a son.

Neither did he, harold.

You know, you get old,

you forget things.

Nobody

forgets a son.

I'm trying to forget a nephew.

(giggling)

wow.

Anyway, uh...

Causin' problems over at

old man sedgwick's place.

That son's putting a lot

of strain on the old guy.

How old is he,

exactly?

Don't know for sure.

Our best guess is

he's about 97.

How old's

his son?

I'm talkin' about his son.

(horns honking)

(geese honking)

(quacking)

(red): You're lookin'

at segments

from this particular show,

the main message being,

for gosh sakes,

don't even think

about changing the channel.

To make sense

out of this programme,

you gotta give it

your undivided attention.

You don't wanna go

anywhere near

old man sedgwick's place

now that his son

has moved back in.

Talk about two crabby guys.

I'm walkin' by -- they yell,

"hey, dork, pick a gender!"

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

boy...

That's, uh, that's cruel.

Speaking of cruel,

here's a little taste

of what we got later

when the "adventures with bill"

section--

actually, this is more

than a little taste.

That may be a mist--

that may be a mistake

'cause with bill,

a little taste

is all you ever want.

Right, bill?

Oh!

I rest my case...

And most of my body.

Anyway, what this is

is life is a circus

and... There you go, bill.

I thought this wouldn't be fun.

Ohhh!

Isn't that a shame?

Like I was saying,

a bit of a circus.

Bill wants me

to climb the ladder.

He's gonna do a flying...

A flying wallenda thing.

He's gonna go up, I'll go down,

then I'll catch him.

That's how that's gonna work.

That's the plan, anyway.

That is the plan.

You know how plans go.

I did my part perfectly

but, uh...

Whoa!

I say bill's a little heavy.

We gotta relieve the tension

on the board.

Oh, there's why you're... Ok.

This is a quick-- boy, you got

a lot of stuff in the...

Imagine him going through

the metal detector.

Man, that's-- he's really--

he's packin' iron.

What the heck was that?

It's a power saw?

Piece of flexible hose

on there...

Bunch of valves and...

Boy, oh, boy.

A caulking gun, there,

and still nothing.

Oh, forgot one thing --

a little washer.

Oh, boy!

Boy, he's up there!

I'll get you, bill!

Yeah, I lost you

in the sun, bill.

That's all that was.

More of that later.

♪ oh, I had one whisker

on the end of my nose ♪

♪ and the more I shave it,

the more it grows ♪

♪ I waxed it and stretched it

till it was 14 inches long ♪

♪ and then it was hit

by lightning ♪

♪ and I was forced to rethink

the whole project ♪

this is for the big one --

200 road apples

and a free juicer.

You have 30 seconds

to get mr. Dalton humphrey

of humphrey's everything store

to say this word...

"laugh".

(laughing)

and go.

When your wife tells

a joke, you...

... Cringe.

When I tell a joke, you...

... Don't get it.

(audience laughing)

all right, at the circus,

the clowns make us...

... Angry!

All right, uh...

If somebody comes

into your store

and asks for a discount,

you have

a good...

Discount?!

Don't make me

laugh!

Ok, that's it!

On "handyman corner",

I'll do something

for you people

who always wanted to join

the volunteer fire department

but never have.

Maybe you don't have time,

maybe you can't pass

the physical,

or you don't want to spend

your weekends with the losers

that are attracted

to that type of hobby.

Maybe there's a better way.

Instead of trying to turn

normal citizens into firemen,

how about turning

a normal car into a firetruck?

Haven't we all thrilled

to the sight

of a firetruck roarin'

down the street,

whippin' by you

on the way to a blaze

that you never started

on purpose?

I think electrical appliances

gotta have better warnings

on 'em.

Yeah, uh, ok.

Now, first thing

any firetruck's gotta have

is an axe, a shovel,

and a pick.

In a firetruck, they have

this stuff on the outside

so the firefighters

can get to it in an emergency,

like, say, a fire.

We can do the same thing.

You wanna take a drill

and drill holes in your trunk

larger than the handles.

Then they'll be

stickin' right out.

Let's start drillin'.

Don't worry about any damage.

We'll paint this baby

fire-engine red.

Perfect.

You notice how firetrucks

have flashing lights?

Well, so do you.

They're on your eavestrough.

Go pull them down and hook

them up with an extension cord.

Any fire that's farther away

than the length of my cord

is probably none

of my business.

You want to hook them on.

You could use metal clips

or any plastic fasteners,

or, of course, the handyman's

secret weapon, duct tape.

All right,

firetrucks have sirens.

Your horn is a good start, but

for that little extra noise,

you wanna loosen off

your alternator belt

and your fan belt

and your power steering belt

just a little bit.

Then, when you start 'er up,

everybody will hear you comin'!

For extra effect, punch

a few holes in the muffler!

Now, everybody knows

that firetrucks have hoses

so get yourself

a bunch of these hoses on reels

at the hardware store,

or you can borrow one

from somebody

when they're not around.

Attach them on here

with bolts, or weld them on,

or... That's right.

Don't worry if they don't match

'cause we'll paint this

fire-engine red.

Take one end of your hoses

and hook them

into your water pump.

So you don't just have

a firetruck here.

You got a pumper truck.

Every firetruck has to have

a ladder,

a ladder that will go

in any direction...

Because fire happens

in any direction,

and you may park

in any direction.

What you need is some kind

of rotating platform

with an axle down through

the centre of 'er.

Easy to do.

Make sure nobody's sittin'

in the car when you do this.

There we got a ladder

where you can fight fires

in two directions,

and she goes up and down,

just like the units do

on the real firetrucks,

and at a fraction of the cost.

A couple of final details.

You want buckets of sand,

a bit of water,

and you got

your emergency oxygen.

Empty the propane out,

put oxygen in.

I'm not sure how you do that,

but I'm guessing

it's important.

You got your smoke detectors

to let you know

when you're close to the fire.

We're ready for any arsonist.

I'm not sure

what an arsonist is,

but it sounds like something

we have plenty of at the lodge.

(bell ringing)

oh, my gosh, a fire!

All right!

Plug in our lights!

(electricity sparking)

they show up better

at a night fire.

And away we go.

(backfiring)

(steam whistling)

maybe I shouldn't have

disconnected the water pump.

Fire! Fire!

Remember, if the women

don't find you handsome,

they should at least

find you handy.

Don't worry about

the black colour.

We'll paint the whole thing

a beautiful fire-engine red.

Yeah, she's out.

Stay tuned -- whatever this is,

we got lots more of it.

Wanted to talk to you ladies

to help you understand

why we men do what we do.

For example, how we fix

everything with duct tape...

Like, say, putting the mirror

back on the car.

A lot of people would take

the car to a garage.

An hour and 60 bucks later,

it would be fixed and look good

whereas your handyman

takes 10 minutes

and seven cents'

worth of duct tape

and it looks butt-ugly.

Let's take a look at the

reasoning behind the actions.

What car are we talkin' about?

Is this an '81 cordova

with 400,000 miles on it

and a real bad cough?

Why would you spend 60 bucks on

a car you can replace for $50?

Why take an hour

to fix something

that can be done in 10 minutes?

If you put 400,000 miles

on 'er,

you don't owe it

any more of your time.

What's the big deal

about fixin' something

and puttin' it back

into original quality?

Just makes the rest of the car

look bad.

Nothin' worse than a repair job

that outlasts the vehicle.

So I suggest that you ladies,

instead of criticizing

your husband

for slapping on the duct tape,

why not compliment him

for his brain power?

Realize this -- he now has

50 minutes on his hands

and an extra 60 bucks

in his pocket.

Remember, I'm pulling for you.

We're all in this together.

Old man sedgwick's son

has moved in with him.

You can tell by

the furniture on the lawn

and the duct tape

dividing the rooms

that things aren't going

all that well.

Now, what is the worst thing

that could happen?

They could be heating

their cabin

with high-sulphur coal.

Meanwhile, both men are rinsing

their teeth in the pewter jar.

That would create

this symbiotic hydrolysis.

Then there would be

a thermal inversion.

The sulphur ions would collide

with the dental plaque.

That would accelerate

the electrons.

There would be

this massive nuclear reaction!

But, it wouldn't kill them.

But it would render them

absolutely sterile

for the rest of their lives!

(laughing maniacally)

(applause)

I'm writing an episode

of "the outer limits".

Harold, you are an episode

of "the outer limits".

No -- the worst thing

that could happen

is old man sedgwick's

moved out of his cabin

and he's moving into the lodge.

No --

this is 125-year-old lodge.

He has to have permission.

Old man sedgwick said

it was part of

the deal

when he built the place.

You've got to do something.

I'm surprised you're taking

this the way you are.

Well, he's not staying

in my room.

A poem by dylan thomas green.

"the force

that through the green fuse

"drives the flower,

drives my green age,

"that blasts the roots of trees

is my destroyer.

"but this force

cannot wreak the damage

"of a six-pack and

a bucket of curly fries."

(siren)

possum 9-1-1 --

thanks for calling.

State

your membership card number.

Uh...

7-6-5... 3-4-8.

That's dougie franklin.

What's the trouble, dougie?

Red... I'm all alone, red.

Help.

This sounds

serious.

Did you roll the monster truck?

Pinned in the cab again?

It's my mom.

She's... She's out of town

for a week, red.

His mom's

out of town.

I don't

get it.

I do, harold.

When's the last time

you ate proper food, dougie?

I don't know... How... To cook.

Snacks.

I ate a jar of olives, red.

Ok, dougie, what room

are you in right now?

I don't know.

I don't recognize a thing.

All right, that will be

the kitchen.

Go to the cupboard that has

all the cooking supplies in it.

The what?

The

cupboard.

What's that?

It's like

the stove

without all

the controls.

What's that?

It's like the

washing machine!

Oh, speak english, will ya?

All right, dougie,

where do you keep your beer?

Oh, the fridge.

Ok, ok.

Red, everything's gone dark.

Now, take it easy, dougie.

This is red.

Look on the fridge door.

See a lot of magnets there?

Yeah.

Paper.

Smurfs.

Ok, one of those is going to

have a phone number on it.

Call that number,

crawl to the door and wait.

In half an hour

you'll have a pizza.

Thank you, red.

I can't believe my own mother

would try to kill me.

(red): Here we are,

back with

"adventures with bill".

We've been practising

all the time we were away.

I thought

I wouldn't enjoy this.

Bill's going to

try to go right up

and land in that chair

on top of the shed.

You know, attitude is so much

a part of life.

I'm thinking,

"why don't I go with it?

"have some fun with it."

jump, and let bill...

Way you go, way you go.

(laughing)

boy, I love a circus.

A change of plan.

He's gonna start in the chair,

then flip the both of them

onto the roof.

That sounds

very sensible to me.

And away we go.

Oh my gosh.

It seems to have gone

horribly wrong.

Oh well.

(laughing)

I'll get the board

out of the way,

and clean up a little.

There's a chair.

I'll just relax for a second

and wait for bill.

I'm sure he'll be here shortly.

There he is now.

I'll tell you one thing

about bill.

He never ever hurts himself.

Hardly ever.

Here's a duct tape dispenser

that fits on your belt.

Yeah, yeah,

hold your horses.

Old man sedgwick, bedridden --

which is normal for the lodge.

But he's

actually not feeling well.

He's got us running around

getting him lemon, herbal,

camomile tea,

and rubber things

with fluid in them.

And, of course,

"the sports illustrated"

swimsuit edition.

His latest request

is for bran muffins.

(ringing)

harold's just getting a plate!

(ringing)

uncle red,

I couldn't find a clean plate,

so I stole the hubcap

off the possum van.

That baby

was really stuck on there.

You should have taken it

off the driver's side front.

I have that off every week.

Why is that?

That's the wheel

I hit stuff with.

Anyway, take these up to

old man sedgwick, harold.

That's good enough.

It's not too polite taking

muffins up in a hubcap, is it?

I was going to serve them

in a bedpan.

Skip the middle-man.

Tell him if he eats all them,

you'll get him more.

If he eats all these,

I'm not going near him.

Welcome to the portion

of the show

where we examine

those three words

that men find so hard to say.

(audience): I don't know.

Hoo ha!

Joining my uncle red this week

is his best friend

in the whole wide room,

local roofer, arnie dogan.

Hi, arnie.

(applause)

ok, today's letter

goes as follows.

"dear experts,

I enjoy sports like

"shark wrestling and taking

the last doughnut at bingo.

"my girlfriend is afraid

I'll kill myself

"in a way that will void

my life insurance.

"I love taking risks,

but I don't want to lose her.

Well, I'd go with

the girlfriend on this one.

Life is short enough.

You don't want to accelerate

the process.

I don't see it that way.

You got to take chances.

Like we say

in the roofin' business,

"if you don't go to the edge,

she's gonna leak."

all right.

Then you'll end up

with ice build-up.

Ok, that's--

your soffit will sag

and smell funny.

If I didn't take chances

I wouldn't be here today.

That's right, arnie --

you'd be at work.

You mean this.

No -- I'll be back at work

soon as the cast is off

and they remove that extra foot

of eavestroughing.

Ahhh.

I can't believe

you're going back to roofing

after that accident.

Roofing's in my blood.

And vice versa.

Stuff happens,

eh, red.

My dad was a roofer

and so was his dad.

Grampa started

dogan and sons roofing

in 1938, when some woman's

husband come home

forcing grampa to slide out

her bedroom window

and pretend he was

replacing shingles.

Well, it can't be

much of a business.

You've spent more

on medical care

than you ever made on roofing.

You've got to have

something on the side.

Grampa always had

something on the side.

So do I.

Country music.

I've written over

17,000

songs. 17,000

songs.

We should concentrate

on answering this letter.

That's what

I'm doing.

I'm saying pursue your dreams.

If I didn't pursue

my dreams,

how could I have written this?

All right.

♪ I loved her

on the rooftop ♪

♪ but she didn't like

my flashing ♪

♪ she threw my heart

in the downspout ♪

♪ and now I drink a lot ♪

♪ and drive trucks ♪

(applause)

thank you.

I wrote that one last week

in the recovery room.

Next time wait for

the anaesthetic to wear off.

Every once in a while

I come up with an idea

that makes so much sense,

it's irresistible.

You're quitting television?

Pardon me?

Did I say that out loud?

I'm talking about

old man sedgwick.

We had him laid up

in the lodge.

Got his son in his cabin.

Didn't want any part of him.

I'm thinking, "who are

the most obvious people

"to look after

old man sedgwick?"

I know, I know, I know.

I know, I know.

I know who it is.

The victorian order of nurses.

They're well-trained.

They've got their own cars.

They've got cool crests

on the door.

And they're all ladies.

He might even meet somebody.

No, harold, no, no.

I'm talking about

old man sedgwick's parents.

I think his mother's name is

old lady sedgwick

and his dad is

dead man walking sedgwick.

Wow, he's got parents

and they're still alive?

How old are they?

Well, they're old.

She has a tattoo that says

"george washington slept here."

I talked to them.

They weren't interested.

I went to his son and said

"you'd better look after your

old man who is an old man.

"in fact,

his name is old man."

the thought of

that much responsibility

scared him so bad, he went

back where he came from.

Old man sedgwick's

moving back to his cabin?

I get my room back?

Oh, excellent!

That's great.

You might want to wait

till the bed dries.

That's a good point.

(squealing)

meeting time.

Go ahead --

I'll be down in a minute.

If my wife is watching,

I'll be home after the meeting.

This talk of

old man sedgwick and his son,

I got thinking about

having a son.

Then I looked at harold

and the idea just...

Thanks for watching.

On behalf of myself

and harold and the gang,

keep your stick on the ice.

(applause and cheering)

(possum squeal)

ok, all rise.

(all): Quando omni flunkus,

moritati.

To join

possum lodge

or to get

possum lodge

merchandise,

call...

Or

check out

harold's

home page

on the

internet.

Closed captions

premier subtitling inc.

Boy, this is too much!